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Today on Wizard Hang, I sit down and chat with the Diva of 19 Nocturne Boulevard, Julie Hoverson! Join us as we meander from topic to topic & discuss Julie's vast variety of content, both released & otherwise. *Originally published 12/10/2024 on Wizard Scroll NIGHTS Join the 19 Nocturne Boulevard Discord Server! Links to everything: https://linktr.ee/thewizardscroll Show artwork by Nick Vanamee Songs used: Startup NEW GAME & Druids Encounter- Equip ; Iceberg Lab- Crash Twinsanity OST Clips used: El Rollo del Mago (Wizard Scroll en Español) ; 19 Nocturne Boulevard English vs German Dub Comparison ; "Wake The Fuck Up, Samurai. We Have a City To Burn" Johnny Silverhand | CyberPunk2077 ; Jesse Cox Plays with Himself ; CohhCarnage Meets His Character In Cyberpunk 2077 For The First Time ; WH18: Chris & Allan's Excellent Adventure ; Calculon - Dramatic... PAUSE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
A two-for-one episode! We start with a tragicomedy of errors. A gentle reminder to always perform your bedtime rituals. You never know when they might save your life. Next, we travel to a war-torn planet. A doctor must make a hard medical decision. Will she and her patient be killed in a massive storm? Or will they take their chances with the teleporter?Hosted by Julie HoversonListen to Julie's audio drama 19 Nocturne Boulevard: http://www.19nocturneboulevard.net/Rituals performed by Sam McDonaldTeleporter performed by Hannah PreisingerTranscripts: https://thothtranscripts.carrd.co/Intro music: Desert City by Kevin MacLeodIntermission music: Monkeys Spinning Monkeys by Kevin MacLeodClosing music: Metamorphosis by Quincas MoreiraAdditional music provided by CryoChamber from the album VestigiumOpening narration provided by Geno SamuelSeries cover art created by Nadine Trollip
And the saga begins.... BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN Episode 1, "Before". Before what? Just "before". Music by Project System 12 The Cult Classic from 19 Nocturne Boulevard. Sort of like Howdy Doody and The Prisoner had a thalidomide lovechild. Try it......... join us........
PromEvil part 4, "Home Before Curfew" See who lives, who dies, and who finds romance at the Polk High prom, in this, the final installment... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) ________________________________________________________________ Prom Evil PART 4 1. Craft shop SOUND [under] POUNDING INSIDE THE KILN LYN Hal? HAL It's just a scratch. I really thought the heavy foam of the Polky would-- LYN Well, it didn't! I need something-- SOUND TEARING FABRIC GEE It's not sterile, but this muslin's better than nothing. You'll have to wrap it-- SOUND [DISTANT] GUN SHOT ANDY Holy shit! BARB [gaspy scream] ANDY Ow. Okay, okay - lighten up there! you're Choking me, babe! Let go! BARB I'm being vulnerable, dammit! Appreciate it! HAL Whatever else that shot means, there's someone else in the school. So the door must be open again. ANDY I'll check the hall. SOUND FEET AND HAND TRUCK, DOOR LYN This really needs proper attention. HAL When we get out. BARB [interrupting] WHEN we get out? Don't you mean IF we get out? MUSIC 2. punchbowl AMB GYM PEABODY Miss Harrison, have you seen Bob? ANGELA Not since he went to check out the school. He was going to try and find Marge. PEABODY The school? It's locked. ANGELA Well, that's apparently debatable. MUSIC 3. hallway SOUND STRIKER CLICKS, TORCH LIGHTS SOUND WALKING, WITH HAND TRUCK ANDY Stay behind me, babe. BARB Well, duh. LYN Tsk. SOUND GUN SHOT [Everyone reacts at roughly the same time.] ANDY Shit! HAL Holy crap! LYN Oh. My. God. TODD [gasped] Laurel? SOUND FIVE MORE SHOTS BARB Fuck this! GEE Wow! SOUND FEET POUNDING, HAND TRUCK ROLLING FAST BARB Andy! God! HAL Don't! Shit. Stay together. SOUND HAL LIMPING, RUNNING AFTER ANDY LYN Hal! MUSIC 4. outside gym AMB OUTSIDE, RAIN SOUND MUSIC STILL AUDIBLE FROM DANCE SOUND CLICK TO TALK NOISE PEABODY Bob? Where in hell are you, you moron? MUSIC 5. hallway SOUND [close] STABBING NOISE BOB [DEATH RATTLE] PEABODY [on talkie] Bob? I don't care if you're-- SOUND BUTTON IS PUSHED, MACHINE CUTS OUT LEDERHOSEN GUY [chuckles] SOUND RUNNING FEET AND HAND TRUCK APPROACH ANDY [off, barely winded] Holy shit! HAL [off, gasping] Rent-a-cop Bob! LEDERHOSEN GUY [eager noise] SOUND DOLL FEET RUN AT THEM ANDY Shiiiiiit! SOUND TURNS UP THE FLAME HAL What're you doing? Get back here! ANDY No. This little shit's going down! SOUND ROAR OF FIRE HAL Got him! ANDY Die, fucker! SOUND BURNING CRACKLING WOOD LEDERHOSEN GUY [chuckling] SOUND WOODEN FEET RUN, DRAGGING KNIFE HAL It's not stopping!!! Come on! SOUND LIMPING RUNNING FEET ANDY [frozen] What the fuck, man! What the fuck? SOUND FLAMING WOOD HITS THE METAL CYLINDER ANDY Shit! Get off the tank you little-- SOUND METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN GUY [chuckles, but losing to the flame a little] HAL [distant] Andy! Just drop it! SOUND METAL CLANG, GAS HISS, EXPLOSION ANDY [Screams] HAL [distant] Noooooooo! MUSIC 6. gym AMB GYM SOUND FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. SOUND MUSIC TAPERS OUT CROWD [uncertain what to do] PEABODY [annoyed] Give me strength. SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS, STATIC SQUAWK PEABODY [on P.A.] Do not panic. Until you are informed otherwise, assume this is a false alarm. I'll personally go and check into this. Again, until I return and inform you that this is an actual emergency, please assume it is some idiot playing a dangerous, unfunny joke. SOUND APPLAUSE MUSIC 7. hallway SOUND SPRINKLERS, ALARMS SOUND DISTANT SIZZLING BARB [hysterical] I never thought I'd be glad to hear a fire alarm! The firemen'll save us! LYN The water's already putting it out. TODD Which one was that? Did you see? HAL Which what? TODD [fierce] which doll, dammit? HAL I just saw a pointy hat. TODD Oh. OK. Good. BARB [coming off tears] What now, Sherlock? You blew up my boyfriend-- LYN Hal's not responsible for that! BARB Oh, really? GEE If this spell I found requires a human sacrifice, I know who I nominate. TODD Spell? GEE Does no one ever listen to me? I think I can freeze up one of those things, by reciting these words-- SOUND PIECE OF PAPER GEE But I think someone will have to hold it down while I do. So you guys need to pull it together. HAL [quietly serious] That's three. LYN What? HAL The one in the oven, the one in the kiln, and that one. Three down. Only two left. LYN [quietly] We could get his keys. Bob's. But we'll have to go around. HAL [agreeing humph] No more fire. SOUND SMALL TORCH DROPPED IN METAL GARBAGE CAN MUSIC 8. OUTSIDE AMB OUTSIDE SOUND RAPID FEET ON GRAVEL PEABODY Oh, please! I've TOLD YOU it was just a prank! SOUND KEYS, UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS PEABODY As I've complied with your guidelines for canceling a false alarm...if anyone shows up, don't even try charging the school for it! SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT MUSIC 9. HALLWAY AMB HALLWAY, SPRINKLERS, ALARM SOUND ALARM CUTS OUT BARB [freaking] What? But it's - they have to-- What about the firemen? [sobs] SOUND SPRINKLERS CUT OUT, DRIPPING LYN Let's go this way - Not so wet. GEE It's a different sector. They only go off one at a time. BARB This is, like, the worst damn prom ever! MUSIC 10. OFFICE SOUND SWITCHES. FUSE BOX CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS PEABODY Huh! Eat me, you degenerates. You're not pulling any more-- [cuts himself off] What? SOUND QUIET CLICKING NOISE PEABODY [calling, annoyed] All right, who's out there? Is this some kind of joke? SOUND THREE QUICK STEPS PEABODY [ugh! As he kicks] SOUND HITS WOOD, DOLL FLIES ACROSS THE HALL, HITS WALL MAJORETTE FURIOUS CLICKING PEABODY You cretinous troglodytes! Cowards! Why don't you show your ugly little Morlock faces? SOUND WOOD NOISES - TAPS AND CREAKS - AS MAJORETTE STANDS PEABODY What the...? SOUND WOODEN FOOTSTEPS PEABODY Oh my god... SOUND DOLL RUNS AT HIM PEABODY Yahh! SOUND DOOR SLAMS SOUND CLICKING PEABODY [effort] GET...OUT OF... DOOR SOUND TRYING TO SLAM DOOR ON DOLL MUSIC 11. HALLWAY AMB HALLWAY GEE It's not exactly the quickest way to get back to Bob's keys- BARB Maybe we should make you watch while we barbecue your boyfriend...oops, you don't have one. GEE Survival overrules sentiment. Besides - LYN Cut it out. We agreed it was probably still too dangerous, anyway. We don't know how much damage the explosion did. HAL Shh! SOUND CREEPING AHEAD HAL Ok. Nothing moving. All clear-- [cuts himself off] Hold on. SOUND HIS FEET GO OFF SLOWLY LYN What? Hal? HAL [off] Bud! Oh, Crap!! LYN Come on. SOUND ALL MOVE FORWARD LYN Oh, heck. Hal, I'm so sorry. HAL [ignoring her] [muttering] Bud? Bud, man? LYN I don't think he's-- HAL Back off! LYN [gasps, wobbly] I-I'm sorry. But... [firming up, fiercely] But I don't want to die too, and we need you. HAL I - I don't... [trails off] TODD It wasn't Laurel. She wouldn't do that. SOUND HAL STANDS SUDDENLY, GRABS TODD HAL [furious] It doesn't matter which one did it! They're all dangerous! TODD Ungh! HAL See? Look at that! That was my best friend. TODD You can't just burn her! GEE We can try the incantation...it's supposed to make them harmless. SOUND DISTANT SCREAMS [Peabody] and SLAMMING NOISES HAL Maybe you'll get your chance. MUSIC 12. OFFICE SOUND THUMP OF WOOD MAJORETTE CLICKING SOUND WOOD CREAK PEABODY How can you be getting through? How can you be moving? MAJORETTE CLICK AS IT THRUSTS SOUND SQUISH OF A STAB PEABODY [screams in pain] My arm! SOUND CREAK OF WOOD AGAIN MUSIC 13. Hallway outside office HAL [coming on] Right up ahead. One of them is stuck in a door. Whoever's screaming must be inside. GEE This is the faculty area. BARB What, did you draw the maps for the school, too? LYN What did you see, Hal? HAL Start the chant, Gee. It's time to see if that stuff works. Let's get this sucker... GEE I think the doll has to hear the chant. I may have to start over if it gets far enough away. LYN It won't. GEE [under throughout] [chant] SOUND FEET MOVE SOUND DOOR NOISES, DOLL NOISES, GET CLOSER HAL [noise of effort as he grabs the doll] MAJORETTE FURIOUS CLICKING, SOMEWHAT MUFFLED HAL Open the door...I've got it! MR. PEABODY [muffled] Open the door? Are you an idiot - Wait - Is that you, Farnesby? You are in big trouble-- HAL Just open the goddam door, Peabody! We're rescuing you! SOUND DOOR OPENS A BIT HAL Ungh! [effort] Wah! [doll pulls harder] SOUND CREAK, FINALLY SNAP AS DOLL LETS GO, IS FLUNG ACROSS THE HALL - WOOD IMPACT SOUND DOOR SLAMS HARD, LOCKS HAL Mr. Peabody! LYN Hal! It's getting up! GEE [continues the chant.] LYN Barb! Be ready with the broom! BARB Goddam right! HAL Just keep it in the hall here - don't let it get away! TODD [muttered in relief] The majorette. Laurel's still all right. LYN Knock it over here! SOUND IMPACT ON WOOD, RATTLE AS DOLL SKIDS ACROSS THE FLOOR HAL I've got it! [effort noise as he kicks it] SOUND KICKING WOOD HAL Ow! Little bitch is hard! LYN It's heading for Gee! The chant must be doing something! Todd, you're--- Todd? That little rat! Barb! Get it! BARB [screaming in fury, and beating at it with the broom] SOUND BROOM HITTING WOOD BARB Shit! HAL It's climbing! Drop the broom! LYN Barb! BARB Ahhh! [throwing] SOUND BROOM GOES FLYING LYN Gee! Get out of-- SOUND WOOD CLATTERS SOUND DOLL SCAMPERS GEE [speeds up, but keeps chanting] MAJORETTE CLICKING EXCITEMENT SOUND THRUST, BLOOD GEE [gasps, then finishes chant] SOUND DOLL TURNS SOLID LYN Omigod! It went.. right through her! SOUND BANGING ON DOOR HAL PEABODY!! Call an ambulance! DAMN YOU! GEE [whimpering, breathing hard] LYN We can't just leave her! HAL There's one more out there. We can't DO anything... GEE [whispered] Did it work? LYN The doll froze! But it's baton thing is... is-- GEE [strained whisper] Don't pull it out. LYN What? GEE [whimper of pain] LYN I won't let you die! GEE Not much you can do to stop it. Go! [long sigh] BARB Is she dead yet? Can we go? LYN You! SOUND PUNCH IN THE FACE BARB Ow!!! LYN And where's that little toad? HAL Lyn? We could get out now. LYN There's only one more. And I have this-- SOUND CRACKLE OF PAPER LYN She handed it to me right before-- [sob] HAL You're the one who said we should get help. That we can't handle this on our own. LYN [with mounting hysteria] I was wrong. There's no one we can go to for help! How could we even ask? "No, really, officer, there are killer dolls in our high school. We have this magic book with a spell to de‑animate them, but we need someone to help us hold them down while we chant." There's just no one else! MUSIC 14. Hallway away from office AMB HALLWAY SOUND RAPID WALKING TODD [loud whisper] Laurel! Laurel, they're going to try and get you! You should come with me! Laurel??? MUSIC 15. Hallway leaving office SOUND WALKING HAL You're upset. Not thinking right. These things are deadly. We've both lost friends, and I don't want to lose ... any more. LYN There's nobody left to lose. SOUND FEET STOP HAL There's you, and I don't want to have to face that. LYN [realizing] Ohh! SOUND FEET APPROACH BARB I'm bleeding and you don't even care. You just walk off and leave me. You think it's my fault your stupid Wednesday Addams clone died. You want me to die, too. LYN [sighs] No, I don't want you to die. BARB Oh, please. Like I believe that. You just want to be alone... and I don't even have anyone to be alone with any more. HAL Come on. We'll get the front door open and you'll be fine. BARB What if I don't want to come along? Maybe I want to leave YOU behind for the dolls to kill. LYN You're not making any sense, Barb. Calm down. We all just want to get out of here alive. SOUND RUNNING TINY WOODEN FEET BARB I'm not going to calm down just because you tell me to! LYN We can argue outside! Come on! SOUND IMPACT BARB [oof!] [screams!!] HAL Shit! Lyn! Read! I'll grab it! BARB [screaming and running] HAL Get back here! Dammit! SOUND STABBING NOISE, GURGLES BARB [stops screaming abruptly] SOUND BARB STUMBLES, FALLS BARB [death rattle] SOUND DOLL STEPS CLEAR HAL Right over here, you little monster-- LYN [begins reading the chant] SOUND DOLL TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TODD [running on] Noooo! SOUND RUNNING FEET DASH UP HAL What the--? TODD Laurel!! SOUND RUSTLE OF FABRIC, CLUNK OF WOOD HALL [astonished and upset] Todd? [up] What are you doing? TODD [going off again] You'll never get Laurel!!! LYN What is wrong with him? Oh, shit! Barb! HAL She's ...dead. MUSIC 16. office 9-1-1 VOICE What is the nature of your emergency? PEABODY Um, I - there's been an accident at Polk High. YES, I am serious! This is the principal. 9-1-1 Where are you sir? PEABODY [choked up] Locked in my office. MUSIC 17. Hallway away from office TODD [panting for breath, swallows nervously] You can out of my coat now. SOUND RUSTLE OF FABRIC TODD You wouldn't hurt me would you? LAUREL [slight awww noise] TODD I didn't think so. Oh! I have something for you! SOUND GETS CHAIN OUT OF POCKET TODD I hope you like gold. It's a locket. It was too small for much of a picture, but anything bigger wouldn't fit you. SOUND CHAIN AGAINST WOOD LAUREL Awww noise. TODD Perfect. I knew it would be. SOUND WOOD TAP LIGHTLY ON THE GOLD TODD What's on your hand? [upset] Ohhh. Blood. LAUREL slightly creepy awww noise. TODD [starting to collapse into tears] No. You're not evil. You can't be evil! LAUREL Awww? TODD [sobs] Oh, hell! [gets ahold of himself, talking to distract her] I've always known you wouldn't hurt me, Laurel. I put so much into you when I carved you. I'd never let anyone burn you up...I promise! you're so beautiful. SOUND RUSTLE OF FABRIC LAUREL [muffled annoyed] aww!!! TODD CRYING, RUNS OFF SOUND RUNNING FEET MUSIC 18. hallway LYN We should go after him! HAL There's nothing we can do. LYN Why'd he do that? HAL He's in love with the darn thing, haven't you noticed? LYN No. ...I guess I'm kind of dense when it comes to romantic stuff. HAL A lot of us are. I know this isn't the time, but after we get out of here... Well, keep me in mind, will ya? LYN I - [smiling a bit] I think I can do that. SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH HAL Grab the broom! SOUND CLATTER TODD [coming in, panting] Quick, before I change my mind! Start the incantation! SOUND PAPER UNFOLDS LYN [begins chant] TODD Ow! Don't struggle Laurel! If they can freeze you, then they won't try and burn you! HAL It's getting out! SOUND CLATTER to FLOOR TODD No! SOUND THROWS COAT OVER IT HAL Hold the coat down! TODD Laurel! It's for your own good! LAUREL AWWWW! HAL It's climbing out through the sleeve! TODD Laurel! Look at me! LAUREL [angry Aww] TODD Laurel? LAUREL [nicer] Aww? SOUND DOLL FREEZES LYN Whooo. I'm feeling dizzy. HAL We should still burn it. TODD No! SOUND SHOVES HAL AGAINST A LOCKER TODD [screaming] She's harmless now. She can't hurt anyone. SOUND RUSTLE AS HE GRABS HER AND RUNS OFF AGAIN LYN I don't know what happened, but that sure... it really ...wasted me. Did we win? HAL Yeah. We're still alive, anyway. We should get out of here, though. Now that we've finished them all... LYN What are we going to tell people? The police? HAL I say we don't know anything. Let them figure it out for themselves...that's what cops are paid for. LYN Todd? HAL He'll... he'll find his own way out. SOUND [DISTANT] SIRENS COMING! MUSIC 19. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OFFICE SOUND DOORKNOB TURNS QUIETLY, DOOR OPENS PEABODY [gasps] Todd? TODD Oh, Mr. Peabody. Um... I think she's still breathing. I was trying to help. PEABODY What do you have there? TODD Just a book. [defensive] It's mine. SOUND BANGING AT THE OUTSIDE DOOR PEABODY Stay right there. You need to tell them what's going on. SOUND DOOR CLOSES, TODD RUNS OFF MUSIC 20. Leaving the building AMB OUTSIDE HAL You know, just this afternoon, I was sitting right over there, thinking that the only thing I wanted in the whole world was one dance with you tonight. LYN [tired chuckle] HAL I guess I missed my chance. LYN It's not too late. HAL The music's over. Besides, neither of us is dressed for-- SOUND KISS LYN [breathy] Let's dance. HAL But- LYN Can't you hear the music? [hums] HAL Yeah. SOUND THEIR FEET MOVING TOGETHER ON GRAVEL SOUND FEET RUN PAST HAL & LYN Todd? MUSIC END CREDITS
PromEvil Part 3: "What a doll!" Trapped in Polk High with some kind of murderer, Hal, Lyn, Gee (and all the rest) must fight for survival!! Find out who's doing the killing! A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) ____________________________________________________________________ Prom Evil - part 3 PART 3 1. LOUNGE SOUND MUFFLED PANICKED SLAMMING AT DOOR SCREAM MEDLEY BARB [PANIC!] ANDY [PANIC!] LYN Do something! GEE Help Me! HAL Don't - don't come in here! BARB [PANIC!] ANDY [PANIC!] MUSIC 2. hallway [silence] BUD DEATH RATTLE SOUND TINY TAPPING FEET MOVE AWAY MAJORETTE clicking SOUND BLOOD DROPS MUSIC 3. lounge AMB - LOUNGE BARB / ANDY [still screaming out in hall] LYN That sounds like Barb! Something terrible could be happening! GEE We can dream. HAL Shh. I'll look. Stay back. SOUND DOOR QUIETLY OPENS SOUND SCREAMING AND SLAMMING GETS LOUDER BARB Get it open! Let us out! ANDY [just screaming hoarsely and incoherent] HAL Hey? Who's after-- SOUND ANDY STOPS SLAMMING ON DOOR, TURNS AND SLAMS HAL INTO WALL ANDY [attack noise] SOUND SCUFFLE, LONG TEAR OF FABRIC HAL Oof! SOUND LYN RUNS OUT LYN [worried] Hal? [yelling] Stop it! Andy! GEE Here! LYN [to gee] Thanks! [yelling] Stop it! SOUND HITS HIM WITH GEE'S UMBRELLA BARB [collapsing into tears] Have to get out! LYN [calming] Shh, Barb! [sharp] Andy! Hal's on our side! SOUND SCUFFLE, LETS GO. SOUND STRAIGHTENING CLOTHING, MORE RIPPING HAL Man, the drama club is gonna be pissed. ANDY The drama club can kiss my ass. We're locked in, you stupid fuck! HAL Locked in? But we just came in. SOUND A FEW STEPS, TRIES DOOR - LOCKED HAL [worried but quiet] Hmm. [deep breath, then up, trying to stay positive] What a time for the teachers to realize they left the darn door unlocked. LYN [hopeful] D'you think that's what happened? HAL [false confidence] Had to be. Who else could have locked it? BARB Maybe... the murderer? LYN Oh, gosh, did you see it too? BARB [becoming less coherent as she continues] Oh, man... she was dead, and it was all gross, and I was right there! She was all making these disgusting noises, and I didn't even know she was being killed... LYN [completely baffled] What? HAL She needs to sit down. ANDY [growls] I got this. [softer] C'mon babe. MUSIC 4. hallway AMB HALLWAY SOUND QUIET FOOTSTEPS TODD [distant, whispered call] Laurel? MAJORETTE [close, clicking angrily] LAUREL [clearly negative noise] [laurel is protecting todd from being attacked by the others] MAJORETTE [CLICKS AWAY IN A HUFF] MUSIC 5. lounge AMB LOUNGE LYN We need to do something constructive. Could we phone the Gym, maybe, and get someone to come unlock the door? GEE Nah. All the regular phones are turned off at night. Too many calls to 1-800-H-O-T-T. HAL How do you know that? GEE [smug] I broke that story three weeks ago. ANDY Man, we should find some weapons...if Barb's right, Tina only just died, so I bet the fucker's still around. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN BARB [screams] TODD The door's locked! ANDY [yelling] Tell us something we don't know! HAL [to Andy] Chill! [to Todd] Last time I saw you, you were gibbering by the punch bowl... suddenly you're coherent-boy again. What's up with that? TODD It was awful, but...I... I just got over it. That's all. LYN Mr. Carpel and Missy? We saw them too. TODD [comes to a decision] You saw the bodies. But... did you see the dolls? ANDY Dolls? What the fuck? 6. flashback TODD's FLASHBACK [NOTE: Much of what Todd says is misleading, so some of what happens contradicts the Voice Over] TODD [VO] I went to the Wood Shop this evening... [clearly lying] Mr. Carpel was expecting me. SOUND LOCKPICKS, DOOR UNLOCKS TODD [VO] The door was...uh...unlocked. I opened it and... saw Mr. Carpel's body. TODD [under] Ohmigod! Laurel? SOUND DOLL FEET APPROACH LEDERHOSEN [threatening noise] DUDE huh-huh-huh TODD [VO] And then THEY ran at me. The DOLLS. TODD [under, intrigued] You're... alive! SOUND STICKY NOISE AS AWL IS PULLED OUT SOUND SMALL FEET APPROACH MAJORETTE [clicking and approaching] TODD [VO] [choked up] They attacked me. They knocked me down. SOUND BODY DROP MONKEY HEAD [screech] DUDE [huh hu huh] MONKEY HEAD [screech] SOUND WOODEN THOK TODD [under] Ow! SOUND METAL BEING DRAGGED CLOSER TODD [under] No, I don't-- Please! I love you, Laurel! SOUND THE DOLL NOISES CLOSE IN TODD Ow! LAUREL [sharp noise] SOUND DOLL NOISES STOP SOUND CREAK OF L's HEAD TURN LEDERHOSEN [angry query] LAUREL Uh-uh [no] TODD [in the flashback] Laurel? LAUREL [rueful noise] SOUND ALL THE DOLLS RUN OFF DOWN THE HALL SOUND TODD BREATHING. SLOWLY GETS TO HIS FEET [End of flashback.] 7. lounge TODD I don't know why they didn't kill me. Maybe I'm just lucky...or they realized I wasn't any kind of threat. SOUND STRUGGLE, BODY SLAMMED AGAINST WALL TODD [gasp] ANDY So YOU let them out, you little shit! LYN Andy? Andy! [calming him] Weapons - like you were saying - is a really good idea. [frantic, looking for support] Hal? HAL Yeah! C'mon, Andy. We'll hit the-- GEE Kitchen? HAL Yeah, the kitchen! You all stay here...it's safer in a group. BARB [sullen] If it's safer in a group, why don't we ALL go? LYN [under her breath] Todd's in no shape to go anywhere. We can't just leave him! BARB [disgusted noise] Fine. MUSIC 8. hallway AMB HALLWAY SOUND METAL FILE SAWING ON METAL LEDERHOSEN [EXASPERATED NOISE] SOUND CHAIN SWINGS BACK AGAINST DOOR SOUND SMALL WOODEN IMPACT AGAINST DOOR LEDERHOSEN [snarl] SOUND HIS FEET TAP AWAY MUSIC 9. kitchen AMB KITCHEN SOUND DOOR SLOWLY OPENS HAL Hello? ANDY Shh! HAL [urgent whisper] The lights are on! Someone must be in here! ANDY Why aren't they saying anything? HAL Cuz we're whispering? [up, but cautious] Hello? SOUND DOOR FARTHER OPEN, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS HAL Looks clear. Come on. ANDY Dude, I'm guarding the rear. HAL Fine. [sigh] SOUND DOOR STARTS TO SWING SHUT, BUT IS STOPPED ANDY [sniffs, then sharp] What's that? HAL Dunno. Alcohol? ANDY [long sniff] Smells like bourbon. [a bit happier] Dude. Just point me at it! SOUND WALKS IN WITH CONFIDENCE HAL We're not here for-- ANDY [screams] SOUND RUNNING FEET LEAVE HAL What is it--? Where? Hello? [angry sigh] [muttered] I better see what-- SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS HAL [gasp] Mrs. Snodgrass! SOUND SCUFFLE, PATS, TRYING TO WAKE HER HAL [revulsion noise] Oh man! SOUND TINY HANDS TAPPING ON GLASS HAL [scared gasp] What the hell? DUDE [muffled huh huhs rising] SOUND FIRE IN THE OVEN HAL [awed whisper] Dolls. MUSIC 10. lounge AMB LOUNGE SOUND PACING SOUND PAGE TURNS GEE This is one weird book. I can make out bits of it, but I think it's really old, and the words are all mixed up and spelled wrong... kinda like middle English. Is there such a thing as middle French? LYN Where are they? TODD [duh] The Kitchen? LYN Not them. The police! SOUND PAGES TURN BARB [spacing out, talking to herself] Andy is cute... TODD Police? [worried] Oh... GEE The motivating...or maybe moving... of the ... unmoving? BARB ...and he's pretty well off. SOUND CHAIR SQUEAKS TODD I have to go. SOUND FOOTSTEPS - HIS AND LYN'S BARB He would beat the crap out of someone for me. LYN What? TODD I have to go. And... and get something. SOUND PAGE TURNS GEE [musing] Preparation of the mannequin? TODD [lying] I... I think there's something in my... locker that I can use as a weapon. LYN We need to stay together! GEE [louder, but not in a different tone] Anointment of the offering. LYN and TODD What? GEE I think I mighta found something... Anointment of the offering. [unsure] Maybe. I REALLY need my dictionary. SOUND BOOK SLAPS SHUT GEE [excited and a little creepy] And I want to see the bodies. MUSIC 11. hallway AMB HALLWAYS SOUND FOOTSTEPS, WOODEN CLUNK ANDY Don't tell 'em I was all getting sick back there, will ya? HAL Huh? ANDY With the dead lunch lady and all. It'd make me look kinda ...you know. HAL [exasperated] Yeah, whatever. It's our secret. MUSIC 12. lounge LYN Look! Both of you! Wait til they get back. We don't know how many of them [not quite believing] ...the dolls... there are. TODD and GEE Five. TODD Why do you know? GEE Who do you think takes the photos for the annual? BARB I thought you were a reporter for the nerdletter. GEE [pissed] I wear many hats. LYN Too bad we don't have the photos-- GEE Oh, that's easy. SOUND PURSE OPENED, CAMERA ON, BUTTONS PUSHED GEE Oh, good. I haven't overwritten them all. BARB If that's a phone, can't we call--? GEE It's not. I prefer not to wear a tether. LYN Let me see. GEE Besides, where's your phone? BARB [muttered] I dropped it...somewhere. TODD Do you have one of Laurel - um, my project? GEE You can look after Lyn's done. SOUND CLICKING THROUGH PICS LYN And these ...dolls are somehow up and running around? GEE Shh! [beat, then whispered] Something's coming! SOUND VAGUE TAPPING, MUFFLED AND DISTANT LYN Shit! SOUND A MOMENT OF TENSE SILENCE TODD [whispered] Can I see the camera? LYN Ssh! SOUND ANOTHER DISTANT WOODEN CLUNK LYN There must be something in here we can fight with! BARB Yeah, lotta pockets on a prom dress! GEE Stand back. SOUND DOOR THROWN OPEN SOUND FEET GEE Yaah! SOUND THUMP OF UMBRELLA ANDY Ow! Crazy bitch! That's my kicking leg! SOUND STICK SWINGS, MISSES, SMACKS WALL LYN Andy! HAL Dude! GEE [gleeful] Stee-rike! BARB Andy?! SOUND CLICKY HEELS DASH ACROSS THE ROOM, IMPACT, SOMETHING WOOD CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR BARB AND ANDY [mushy kissing] HAL Can you guys move that ... um... touching reunion out of the doorway? I'd rather not just stand around in the hallway ...by myself... like this. [sigh] TODD [petulant] Can I see the camera, now? MUSIC 13. punchbowl AMB GYM, MUSIC, CROWD SOUND PUNCHBOWL POURS PEABODY What in heaven's name is all this, Angela? ANGELA [snarky] Someone called the cops. Again. PEABODY If it's a question of the noise--? COP1 Sir, we had an emergency call-- PEABODY [sigh] Officer [reads] Trask? You have to understand my position-- RENTACOP BOB what's all this? PEABODY sh-sh-sh. COP2 We received a report over 9-1-1 of a possible homicide in the school. PEABODY A what? COP1 A possible double homicide. RENTACOP BOB [huffy] Inside? School's locked up tight. Ain't nobody in there - live or dead. PEABODY Calm down, Bob. [to the cops] May I make a suggestion, officers? Prom night is a notorious time for practical jokes...and though I realize you MUST take any such report seriously-- COP2 We can't just-- PEABODY Yes, yes. I understand completely. [confidential] However, if we can prove to you that the building is secure, and there's no possible way anyone might have managed to get inside, will that be acceptable? COP1 Well... COP2 As long as it's all locked up. PEABODY You're more than welcome to return in the morning, when the school is open, to perform a thorough search. 14. Hallway AMB HALLWAY SOUND LOCKER SLAMS SHUT GEE You coming? LYN I'll watch the door. GEE Hold these, then. SOUND LOADS HER DOWN WITH BOOKS, UMBRELLA LYN Oof! SOUND TURNS ON CAMERA TODD Don't erase the picture of Laurel! GEE Chill, dweebula. I have them all on my hard drive. TODD Oh! SOUND DOOR OPENS, CLOSES SOUND ANOTHER NEARBY DOOR OPENS SOUND CLANKING OF METAL - ROLLING OF HAND TRUCK ANDY Sweet. SOUND CLICKING OF STRIKER ANDY Nuke 'em from orbit! TODD You're not going to burn them all, are you? Not ... Laurel? HAL Laurel? TODD She's... it's... the doll I carved. She wouldn't hurt anyone. ANDY Well now they're all living, breathing Chuckeys, and I say fry every last one of them. SOUND STRIKES THE STRIKER MENACINGLY ANDY [explosion noise] TODD [Weakening] No! ANDY No, that's "Nooooooo" [bruce willis running scream] [chuckles] HAL Let's focus on getting out of here. Gee? LYN In... there. SOUND WHEELING OF HAND TRUCK ANDY I'll take the big truck. You get the value menu. HAL Whatever. SOUND HAND TRUCK PARKS, FEET MOVE, DOOR OPENS A CRACK HAL Gee? GEE [muttering] This is just like that game I was in last week... HAL What? GEE Just thinking... Extreme case of short-timer's curse. LYN What? GEE Poor bastard was this close to retirement. MUSIC 15. Outside AMB OUTSIDE SOUND FEET ON GRAVEL COP2 Are you sure this Mr. Carpel isn't in the building? His name was given as one of the victims. PEABODY Ervin Carpel? Nonsense...he's already turned in his building keys. We had to let him go, you see. As of the end of the school year. His safety record was ... unsatisfactory. COP1 So he might have a good reason to participate in a prank? I see. MUSIC 16. Hallway outside wood shop AMB HALLWAY ANDY So do we just wait for those tiny sons-of-birches to come to us? SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET COME OUT GEE Now I need a place to do some reading. MUSIC 17. Outside, parking lot AMB OUTSIDE SOUND POLICE CRUISER DRIVES AWAY RENTACOP BOB I'll go take a look around. No problem. PEABODY [dismissively] Nonsense. No reason to justify our merry degenerates by taking their ploy seriously. SOUND THEY WALK MR. PEABODY We can perform a complete walk-through before we open the school in the morning to make sure there are no ... surprises. 18. Hallway AMB HALLWAY SOUND SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS, SQUEAK OF HAL's SNEAKERS HAL [cautious, but trying to be heard] Hello? [louder, but still muffled] Hellllooo? SOUND FEET AND VOICE STOP, LISTEN SOUND DISTANT TAPPING HAL Oh, shit. [sucks in a breath, up] Hello? SOUND ONE FOOTSTEP TODD Which one is it? HAL [completely stunned] Yah!!! [coming down] Oh, shit! Todd! TODD Why are you in the polky costume? HAL I have my reasons. Get your ass back to the craft shop. TODD I'll... uh... watch your back? HAL [quiet] I don't trust you. TODD Why not? HAL Forget it. Look, just stay the hell out of my way or I'll run your ass over. TODD I can run. HAL I'll bet. SOUND SNEAKING FEET BEGIN MUSIC 19. Craft shop AMB CRAFT SHOP LYN [pleased] Oh! There it goes! I thought it would never warm up. GEE I told you it would just take some time. A kiln isn't a microwave. BARB Oh, Andy, you're so strong and protective. GEE [quiet gagging noise] You guys! Someone made that quilt, and they won't appreciate you getting it all sticky. LYN Anything? GEE Apart from nausea? LYN The book? GEE Well, I'm pretty sure this is the "spell" he used to animate the dolls. I may even have a clue why they turned on Carpel... the spell says the master's supposed to carve the dolls himself. LYN Todd says... Todd? Oh, hell, where'd he get to? ANDY Dumbass wants to get himself killed, who are we to stop him? SOUND IDLY CLICKING THE STRIKER GEE Anyway, there's this other incantation thing which... [very dubious] if I'm reading this right... should make them freeze back up. LYN [plaintive] You're not sure? GEE I'm having to make a lot of guesses, here. The dictionary just don't cover everything. I mean, the incantation isn't even FRENCH... just... gibberish, far as I can tell. MUSIC 20. Hallways TODD I heard something over there! HAL Stay the hell back! TODD Do you have a plan? HAL Well, it was to sneak up on them, but there's this person talking. TODD Oh. SOUND FOOTSTEPS SOUND [DISTANT] SCRATCHING NOISES MONKEYHEAD [distant] annoyed screech TODD Do dolls make noise? HAL I'm dressed as a giant purple polka-dot. Do I look like an expert? TODD Uhh... HAL Shh! SOUND SNEAKING STEPS MONKEYHEAD screech, closer TODD Soon as you see it, tell me-- SOUND RUNNING FEET, GOING AWAY TODD What it looks like... MUSIC 21. punchbowl AMB GYM ANGELA Bob? Can you do something? RENTACOP BOB [swaggering] I can do anything. Whatcha need? ANGELA Marge went into the building for something, and she's been gone for just ages. [simpering] Could you go and look for her? As long as I'm stuck at the punch bowl, I can't even get in one itsy bitsy weensy dance. RENTACOP BOB I gotcha covered, babe. [clears his throat] That was a quote. Not meant in any sort of harassing way. ANGELA I understand. SOUND DOOR OPENS, HE GOES OUT AMB RAIN, CRICKETS BOB I'll check it out, but first... [chuckles] MUSIC 22. hallway SOUND PELTING FOOTSTEPS TODD [breathless] wait! I need to know if it's Laurel! HAL [panting, stays ahead] [yelling] Get ready!! SOUND DOOR OPENS, AHEAD LYN Come on! HAL [gasping mutter] God I hope this works. [up] Out of the way! SOUND BATTERS THROUGH DOOR LYN Over here! SOUND LID OPENS TODD [still outside] No! Check first! SOUND DOOR SHUTS SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR GEE Do it quick! We have to know if this will work! SOUND RUSTLE OF HEAVY FABRIC, CLATTER OF WOOD MONKEYHEAD [SCREECH] SOUND POUNDING OF WOOD ON METAL TODD [from outside] Don't leave me out here by myself! GEE [to him] Just a sec! Come on! LYN It's climbing out! HAL [groan, slump] MUSIC 23. Parking lot AMB OUTSIDE SOUND RUMMAGING IN STUFF RENTACOP BOB [chuckles] Not on MY watch. SOUND ZAPZAP OF TASER. PUT IN CASE. RENTACOP BOB Little shits deserve a scare. SOUND REVOLVER CYLINDER SPINS, GUN INTO HOLSTER RENTACOP BOB Let's see your little pranks now. SOUND TRUNK SLAMS HUT SOUND FEET SET OFF ACROSS GRAVEL MUSIC 24. Craft shop LYN Oh! [noise as she smacks the doll] Uh! Uh! UH!!! MONKEYHEAD [SCREECH, dwindling] SOUND IT FALLS BACK, SHE SLAMS LID! LYN [Breathing heavily] Done. SOUND DOOR OPENS, TODD RUNS IN, DOOR SHUTS TODD Noooo! GEE Did yours have a monkey's head? TODD Huh? [gasp of relief] No! Ahhh. LYN You could have helped. HAL I - I don't.... LYN Oh no! He's bleeding! BARB [screams] END OF PART 3
PromEvil Part 2: "Ins and Outs" Will Hal and Lyn ever run into each other? Will Todd find his true love? Will Barb ever shut up?.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) __________________________________________________________________ Prom Evil PART 2 MUSIC 1. Wood shop SOUND DISTINCTIVE WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS LAUREL [questioning sound] LEDERHOSEN [negative] DUDE [huh-huh-huh] SOUND WOOD THOCK MONKEY HEAD [screech] 2. AMB - GYM SOUND CANNED MUSIC PLAYS STUDENTS CHATTER SOUND HARSH NOISE OVER THE SPEAKERS PEABODY [P.A.] All right, everybody. Quiet down. I know you don't want to listen to this old fuddy-duddy all night, [waits for laughter, which is scarce] [fading into background] but I have a few announcements that have to be made. Emergency exits are at the front and back of the room, should there be any ...um, emergency. LYN You're sure Andy'll still be coming tonight? BARB Oh, sure...maybe he'll even try to get me back, wouldn't that be a riot? LYN Yeah. [no] BARB [to Tina] Hey Tina! Where're you going? The night's still young! TINA Huh? Barb? [too fast] Nowhere. BARB [nastily] Hot date? TINA [gasp] I-- I-- Oh! SOUND DASHES AWAY BARB [considering] Hmm. LYN Why are you so harsh to your friends? BARB Oh, please. Any guy she can't bring to prom isn't worth dating. LYN Maybe she has to pick him up from work or something. BARB [scorn] Work? Tscha. [up] Ooh! Jake! LYN Don't leave me! BARB I'm your cousin, not your babysitter. Andy'll be around somewhere. MR. PEABODY [fading back in] Finally. The only washrooms that are available are the ones in the locker rooms. The school is locked, so no matter how long the lines are, you have to wait. 3. SOMEHOW SEGUE TO OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. PEABODY's VOICE STILL PLAYS, JUST MUFFLED SOUND CRICKETS, DISTANT TRAFFIC MR. PEABODY Anyone seen using any...ahem... atypical facilities, specifically the school's flower beds, will be taken into custody. SOUND WALKING TODD Ew. Who would use the flowers. [shudder] [gasp as he almost walks into someone] DUDE Freak! The world's up here. CHICK [giggle] TODD [evasive] Sorry. Sorry. SOUND FEET QUICKLY SHUFFLE PAST CHICK Who's that? DUDE That's the [up] freak [down, fading out] who's all obsessed with his damn woodshop project. TODD [muttering] I'm not obsessed. Obsessed is bad. I'm passionate. All great artists are passionate. SOUND LAST FEW QUICK FOOTSTEPS, QUIET TRY AT DOOR - LOCKED SOUND MUSIC STARTS IN THE GYM TODD [chuckles] Perfect. SOUND JANGLE OF CHAIN, LOCKPICKS MUSIC 4. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM, MUSIC IS LOUD BUD Dude. HAL [polky voice - goofy and muffled] Hello! BUD [disgusted] Oh, man. Ditch the Spot and go talk to the brain. She's been left unattended and needs to be towed away. SOUND VELCRO OPENING HAL [slightly muffled] I don't have anything else to wear. I was gonna just-- BUD God, you are the king of dork. Find something in the drama closet. They just did some pig-thing show. HAL [exasperated sigh] Pygmalion. BUD There must be something. HAL [considering] Hmm. Maybe... MUSIC 5. PUNCH BOWL SOUND LIQUID BEING SLOPPED INTO GLASS BOY1 [dubious] Thanks. SOUND FEET APPROACH LYN How's the punch, Mrs. Snodgrass? MRS. SNODGRASS I've confiscated three flasks so far. [pitbull] No one gets past me. LYN Great. Give me a double. SOUND DIPPER POURS LYN Cheers. ANDY Hey. LYN [gasps] SOUND PUNCH SPILLS LYN [frantic noise] ANDY Damn. Sorry. You wanna dance? LYN [uncomfortable but pleased] Um, sure. I mean...that'd be great. ANDY Cool. MUSIC 6. WOOD SHOP AMB WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS SOUND MUFFLED SOUND OF METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN [urgent noise] SOUND METAL ON WOOD STOPS DUDE [HUH?] SOUND WOODEN THOCK SOUND METAL ON METAL STOPS, DOORKNOB TURNS CAUTIOUSLY, DOOR CREAKS OPEN TODD [whispered] Mr. Carpel? [surprised] Candles? MUSIC 7. BACKSTAGE AMB DRAMA LOCKER GYM MUSIC IS MUFFLED SLIGHTLY SOUND HEAVY PADDED THING HURLED TO FLOOR HAL [coughing, then sighs] Yuch. Sorry old Polky, but you need to die. [makes gun noise, pauses, then empties the other five shots into it] SOUND SCRATCHES HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY GEE Delousing? HAL [gasp] SOUND CLATTER GEE [laughs delightedly, but clearly not "interested"] You're so cute. HAL Gee? What are-- you--? GEE Thought you could use a hand. I did wardrobe for the last three shows and know where everything is. HAL But how did you--? GEE I'm a psycho - or do I mean psychic? [holds a second, then laughs again] I heard you and Bud. HAL Ahh. MUSIC 8. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ANDY Ooh [interested noise] Mm. LYN [gasps] oh. ANDY Mm. What? LYN [nervous] Let's get some punch. ANDY Don't you like dancing? LYN I'm just suddenly really thirsty. ANDY [resigned] Punch it is. MUSIC 9. OUTSIDE SOUND OUTSIDE MUSIC IS MUFFLED CRICKETS SOUND OMINOUS RUSTLING AND GROANING NOISES CAN BE HEARD IN THE NEARBY BUSHES, BUT THEY QUICKLY RESOLVE THEMSELVES INTO A COUPLE MAKING OUT. SOUND RAIN BEGINS TINA [oh no!] Aah! BUD Ah, shit. Come on. SOUND RUNNING FEET TINA We can't go in! BUD Well... [indecisive] Come on. TINA The school's locked! BUD [insinuating] But it's got a nice dark, deep doorway... TINA [interested] Ooh! SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD Come here, then. TINA Mmm. SOUND DOOR FLIES OPEN BUD Geek. SOUND TODD DASHES PAST TODD [frantic breathing] SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT BUD [speculative] Hmm. TINA Are you thinking--? BUD Aren't you? TINA [teasing] Mr. Bud, are you trying to lure poor lil' ole me off to some dark place where you can take advantage of me? BUD Well, I really just wanted your opinion of my civics project, but now that you mention it... Sure. I'll take advantage of you, baby. Come on. SOUND DOOR OPENS MUSIC 10. PUNCHBOWL AMB GYM SOUND PUNCH POURS SNODGRASS [snarls] just one at a time. KID [frightened] Um, OK. SOUND SCAMPERS AWAY SNODGRASS Back again, Lyn? LYN Just thirsty I guess-- SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, TODD RUNS IN, SLAMS DOOR TODD [gasping] SNODGRASS Hmph. ANDY Dork. LYN He looks hurt. SNODGRASS See if he has a ticket. [disgusted] Or pupils. SOUND LYN CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES LYN Todd? That's your name, right? Are you OK, Todd? TODD [whines and whispers] Mr. Carpel. Missy. They're DEAD! SOUND HE SINKS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC 11. BACKSTAGE AMB BACKSTAGE GEE Hold on. Now look. SOUND HAL TURNS, SQUEAK OF TENNIS SHOES HAL [surprised and cheered] Wow. GEE I figured you were about Higgins' size. Oh wait-- SOUND DRAWER OPENS, RUSTLE HAL [admiring himself] Damn. I clean up good. GEE Everyone looks good in a tux - that's kind of the point. Here. SOUND STICKS FAKE FLOWER IN THE LAPEL, PATS IT DOWN HAL Feels like a wedding. GEE Plenty of time for that later. Start with trying to speak to her - at least in her general direction. HAL [gasps] MUSIC 12. PUNCHBOWL AMB GYM SOUND SNAPPING FINGERS LYN Hey? Hey! TODD [whimpers] LYN Andy! Help me get him into a chair! ANDY [disgusted sigh] SOUND CLUMSY MOVE INTO A CHAIR TODD [mumbling, more of the same] ANDY What the hell's he saying? LYN Um... [listening, then repeating Todd's words, getting more creeped out as it goes along] Mr. Carpel... Wood Shop... dead... Missy... [worried] blood... ANDY Blood? What the f--? [realizing] Ohh! LYN Shh. [going on] They attacked me... they must have killed them... she wouldn't let them kill me... they're dead. TODD [groans and passes out] SOUND BODY FALL ANDY [slyly] Well, we could go and take a look at the Wood Shop. LYN Us? Shouldn't we send Rent-a-cop Bob? It IS what he's here for. Besides, someone should stay and look after Todd. ANDY [whispered explaining] It's a gag, see? Bob'll skin anyone who gets him to shift his lardbutt for a prank. LYN It doesn't sound like-- ANDY Babe, it's practically Polk High tradition for some bozo like Todd here to pull a big prank during prom. LYN He sounds really scared. ANDY [ignoring her] At least this sounds like a winner. [with a naughty wink] Let's check it out. MUSIC 13. SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB EMPTY SCHOOL HALL SOUND MAKING OUT BUD Mm. Me likee. TINA You're sure no one can see us? BUD Yeah. There's no one in the ...entire ...building. SOUND ZIPPER UNZIPS SOUND DISTANT TAP OF FEET APPROACHES TINA [gasp] SOUND SCRAMBLE OF CLOTHES TINA I thought you said-- BUD Come on. I know just the place. MUSIC 14. DOOR NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB GYM SOUND DOOR OPENS ANDY Coming? LYN [sighs] I guess. SOUND SLOW STEPS BARB [suddenly in their face] Leaving? So soon? ANDY There's a gag on in the school. We're gonna take a look. [heavy with challenge] Right, Lyn? LYN Uh-- HAL [off a bit, quiet] Damn. BARB [furious] Fine. If the building's open, I'll just go to my locker. I could use some hairspray. SOUND SHE FLINGS HERSELF OUT, TOO MUSIC 15. SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB SCHOOL HALL SOUND WOODEN FOOTSTEPS DUDE [huh-huh-huh-huh] LEDERHOSEN [quieting growl] SOUND LIGHTER THOCK DUDE [ulp] MAJORETTE [clicking noise] MUSIC 16. DOORWAY NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB GYM, MUSIC SOUND DOOR SHUTS HAL [heavy sigh] Missed it by that much. Ow! What was-- SOUND UMBRELLA TAPPED ON FLOOR GEE You think I carry this just for the SPF? HAL But--? GEE Go after her. HAL Go after--? But what do I say? GEE Argh! What do I look like, a fairy godmother? Oh, god, I do.... Move your butt. HAL why are you doing this anyway? GEE Lyn's my friend, and you're harmless. Go! SOUND SQUEAK OF HIS TENNIS SHOES HAL [suddenly realizing] Harmless? Huh? [looking for her] Gee? TODD [muttering] They're dead, you know. HAL What? TODD In the wood shop. HAL Oh shit. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN MUSIC 17. SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB HALLWAY SOUND LOCKER SLAMS SHUT BARB Jake won't know what hit him. SOUND ZIPPER ON MAKEUP BAG CLOSES DECISIVELY SOUND WALKING IN HEELS SOUND OFF, RUSTLING AND GASPING NOISES BARB Hmm? SOUND HEELS START TO SNEAK SOUND RUSTLING GETS CLOSER BARB [squeal of disgust] Oh MY GOD!!!! MUSIC 18. SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB HALLWAY SOUND TWO PAIRS OF FEET ANDY [insinuating] A dimly-lit spooky hallway, a pair of good-looking, healthy American teens, what's that make YOU think of? LYN Cheesy horror movies, what else? You forgot to mention the possibility of two dead bodies in the Wood Shop. ANDY It's a joke...it's gotta be. MUSIC 19. SCHOOL HALLWAY BACK TO BARB VOICES are kind of distant BARB [tail end of squeal] TINA [gasp] UP CLOSE MAJORETTE [quiet clicking] BUD What the--? BARB Oh... my... god. Tina. I cannot believe this! You and... THAT. BUD Screw you! TINA [breaks down into tears and runs off] SOUND RUNNING FEET, LADIES ROOM DOOR SLAPS SHUT BARB Not if you had a gold plated... You know. SOUND TURNS ON HER HEEL, WALKS OFF BUD Tina? BARB Ladies room, dumbass. SOUND SHOVE, STUMBLING STEPS SOUND DOOR FLAPS SHUT MUSIC 20. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB HALLWAY SOUND SLOW FEET LYN [whispered] Is it unlocked? ANDY Shh. SOUND METAL CLANG - HE TAKES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER OFF THE WALL LYN [whispered] It's not on fire! ANDY [disgusted sigh] SOUND QUICK SCRAMBLE OF STEPS, DOOR KICKED OPEN ANDY Yaaah! MUSIC 21. LADIES ROOM SOUND LADIES ROOM DOOR FLAPS SHUT TINA [off, Gasping and choking] BARB Hah! SOUND HIGH HEELS. BAG SET DOWN MAKEUP NOISES AS SHE TALKS TINA [chokes and gasps under all] BARB You should be ashamed. That guy is such a nothing. You can't possibly like someone like that. Hopeless losers are not for the likes of us, Tina dear. We're only supposed to date cute guys and guys with the potential to be rich ...or famous. TINA [last gasp] LEDERHOSEN [quiet noise] BARB Are you just determined to sabotage your whole entire life? SOUND SINK RUNS BARB Tina? You done yet? SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS SOUND PUSHING STALL DOORS OPEN, ONE BY ONE BARB It's not that bad. No one else needs to know. SOUND DOOR OPEN BARB But you're the designated driver for the next ...Hmm... SOUND DOOR OPENS BARB ...three parties? SOUND FINAL STALL DOOR OPENS BARB [full force scream of horror] MUSIC 22. WOOD SHOP AMB WOOD SHOP LYN [slightly off] Well? ANDY It's all dark. Hold on. SOUND GROPING FOR LIGHT SWITCH LYN [closer] Here, let me. SOUND LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ON. FLUORESCENTS FLICKER TO LIFE ANDY Oh shit! [full force scream of horror] SOUND FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLATTERS TO FLOOR SOUND RUNNING, PUSHES LYN ANDY Out of the way! LYN Uh! SOUND THUMP AGAINST DOOR FRAME SOUND FEET RUN DOWN HALL LYN [small freaking out noises] No. No no no no. SOUND SLOWLY BACKING AWAY SOUND FIRE EXTINGUISHER KICKED AND ROLLS AWAY SOUND LYN STUMBLES SOUND CAUGHT HAL Hey! Gotcha. LYN [freaks out for a second, then dissolves into tears] MUSIC 23. HALLWAY OUTSIDE LADIES ROOM AMB HALLWAY SOUND LADIES ROOM FLAPS OPEN BARB [screams past] SOUND RUNNING FEET, THUMP BUD Shit! Oof! SOUND BODY DROP TO FLOOR SOUND BARB's FEET RECEDE BUD [blows out a breath] Bitch. SOUND SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET BUD [going off] Tina? Tina? SOUND DISTANT CLICKING NOISE MUSIC 24. HALLWAY NEAR WOODSHOP AMB NEAR WOODSHOP LYN [still crying and gasping] HAL It's all right. It's OK. Shh. LYN [gasping out the words] He was right. They ARE dead. Oh, geez. I can't.... [sobs] I can't believe this! HAL Who? LYN Todd. HAL Todd's dead? LYN No! Missy and Mr. Carpel. HAL I'll take a look. LYN No! It's terrible! HAL Stay here. MUSIC 25. PUNCHBOWL AMB GYM TODD [drinking punch, he seems better, but is still muttering] They're DEAD. They killed them, but she protected me. I know she's not like the others. She understands how ... how special she is. She knows. SNODGRASS You need to go home, kid. TODD [disturbingly reasonable] They ARE dead, you know. It was an easy A, he said. An easy A. SNODGRASS Look, you're scaring people. Can't you just zip it? TODD [reasonably] But... they're dead. SNODGRASS Angie? ANGIE Yeah, Marge? SNODGRASS Take over for a while. This boy needs something calming, and I think I've got what he needs ...apart from a padded room...if I can get Bob to unlock the school. TODD The door IS unlocked. SNODGRASS What? Well, I'd better see about that, too. MUSIC 26. WOOD SHOP AMB WOOD SHOP SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS - HAL LYN [off] Here. SOUND MANUAL WINDING OF CAMERA BOX HAL What? Oh! Good idea. SOUND TAKES HER CAMERA, STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES HAL Ew. LYN [calling from off] How can you just... be in there? HAL I watch a lot of CSI. This just looks like ...special effects. LYN [off] Are they...? HAL Yeah. I'm pretty damn sure. Hmm. SOUND SNAPPING MORE PICS LYN What? HAL It's... weird. Just a sec. SOUND PICKING UP BOOK, RUFFLES PAGES HAL [musing] luh liver dess poops? LYN What? SOUND HE STICKS IT IN HIS POCKET HAL [up] Almost done. MUSIC 27. SCHOOL KITCHENs AMB KITCHEN SOUND SNODGRASS HEAVY FEET STOMP IN - SHE IS DISTANT DUDE [CLOSE - quiet huh-huh] SNODGRASS [muttering] Nutty freaking kids these days. None of this hot and cold running narcotics when I was a girl. SOUND QUIET DOLL FOOTSTEPS CREEP CLOSER SOUND DISTANT, SHE TURNS ON A LIGHT, OPENS A DRAWER SOUND MORE DOLL FOOTSTEPS DUDE [huh-huhs] SOUND QUICK CLIMBING NOISES SOUND DISTANT, BOTTLE OPENS, POURS SNODGRASS Salut. [drinks] SOUND CLOSE, KNIFE SLIDES OUT OF KNIFE BLOCK DUDE [loud huh-huhs] MUSIC 28. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB HALLWAY SOUND SNEAKERS COME OUT OF WOOD SHOP LYN Hmm? HAL Um... Looks like old Mr. Carpel went all satanic and sort of... sacrificed... um... forget it. LYN But who killed Mr. Carpel? HAL I don't know, but this book looks all creepy and stuff. Maybe he summoned a demon or something and it got him. LYN You're joking. HAL [tries to chuckle] Well, maybe just a little, but something got him, didn't it? Come on. We need to get ... help. LYN We need to call the police. Barb has a phone...when we get back to the dance... HAL There's pay phones in the lounge. LYN I want to get OUT of here. Whoever - whatever - did that is still ... on the loose! SOUND [their voices start to recede] HAL Well... I think that back there happened a few hours ago. The blood looked mostly dried, and the candles were all burned down. Whoever killed Mr. Carpel is probably long gone. MONKEY HEAD [query] LAUREL [negative response] MUSIC 29. KITCHEN AMB - Kitchen SOUND MRS. SNODGRASS STEPS OUT OF OFFICE. LIGHT OFF. LOCKS THE DOOR. DUDE [huh-huh] SOUND LITTLE FEET RUSH FORWARD SNODGRASS Huh? SOUND SQUISH OF KNIFE STAB SNODGRASS [scream in agony] SOUND BODY FALL SNODGRASS GASPING IN PAIN DUDE [huh-huh] MUSIC 30. HALLWAY LEAVING WOOD SHOP AMB HALLWAY SOUND QUICK FEET APPROACH, PASS BY LYN [panting a bit] I... This sounds terrible ...I know I know you, but I can't remember your name. HAL [panting a bit] Hal. It's usually my face people forget. LYN [panting a bit] I know...you're always in that costume. It's kind of... HAL Dumb? LYN No! I think it's... um... cute. MUSIC 31. AMB - KITCHEN SOUND BLOOD DROPS SNODGRASS What the hell is--? SOUND SLOW WOODEN FOOTSTEPS CIRCLE HER DUDE Huh-huh-hwa? SOUND IMPACT - A PAN! SOUND DOLL TUMBLES, KNIFE SKITTERS AWAY SNODGRASS Hah!! SOUND SHE CRAWLS PAINFULLY SOUND DOLL CLATTERS BY SOUND FABRIC FLAPS SOUND DOLL CAUGHT IN APRON DUDE Huh? Huh? SNODGRASS Hah! Hah! You little bastard! SOUND POURING OF ALCOHOL ON DOLL SNODGRASS [weakly] How bout a little... SOUND CREAK OF OVEN OPENING SOUND FIGHT TO GET IT INTO OVEN SNODGRASS [weakening] fire.... scare... crow... SOUND AFTER FIGHT, OVEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT SNODGRASS [sigh in relief, breathes heavily...] SOUND BODY SLUMPS AGAINST OVEN MUSIC 32. OUTSIDE MAIN SCHOOL DOOR SCHOOL EXTERIOR DOOR OPENS SOUND FOOTSTEPS COMING OUT LYN So what's the book? Something Satanic? HAL I don't really know. It's... foreign. Maybe Latin? Spooky books are always in Latin, aren't they? LYN Hmm. That's not Latin...I TOOK Latin. I'm pretty sure that's French. Gee would know. HAL [muttered] Yeah. She kinda knows everything. MUSIC 33. HALLWAY AMB HALLWAY SOUND CLICKING NOISE SOUND FEET APPROACH BUD [off] Tina? SOUND CLICKING STOPS SUDDENLY SOUND A MEWLING NOISE IS HEARD FROM WHERE THE CLICKING WAS. BUD Tina? You OK? SOUND WALKS FASTER MUSIC 34. BETWEEN BUILDINGS AMB OUTSIDE SOUND PACING HAL [muttering to himself] Yeah, what do I say now - hey, since we've shared a corpse or two, why not have some bubble tea? [heavy sigh] SOUND UMBRELLA POPPED UP HAL [gasps] GEE I said it's not just for decoration. HAL Geez. Just sneak up on-- GEE You've got some weird book for me? HAL Lyn's coming back, right? GEE Don't worry. SOUND SHE SNAGS THE BOOK, PAGES THROUGH HAL She's--? GEE [exasperated] Looking for that succubus she calls a cousin. [examines the book] Hmm... It say it's a book of dolls, or puppets...or something. [dubious] That last word - hmmm. I gotta dictionary in my locker. MUSIC 35. HALLWAY AMB HALLWAY SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS BUD Tina? SOUND TRIES A DOOR - LOCKED SOUND MEWLING SOUND FEET SPEED UP, THEN STOP BUD [slightly breathless] Tina? Huh? [over his shoulder] Hello? Hmph. Who could have... SOUND SLOW WALKING BUD [slow realization, dragged out] I got it. [up] Nice prank, guys! [muttered] So what happens, I touch the dolly and [looking up] something falls on me? Hmm? [muttered again] MUSIC 36. HALLWAY AMB ANOTHER HALLWAY GEE It's really close, I can just run over and-- HAL Whoever killed them might still be in the-- SOUND DOOR OPENS, RAIN LYN [breathing a little hard] There you are! HAL [eager] Waiting for you. GEE Now can we all go to my locker? It's closer than the library. HAL Did you find--? LYN I couldn't find Barb anywhere, and [breaking a little] I couldn't convince anyone else... GEE Let me guess, they all think it's a prank? HAL Here, then-- SOUND OPENS DOOR HAL And some-- SOUND JINGLES COINS IN HIS HAND LYN Cute. But you don't have to pay for 9-1-1. HAL Oh. SOUND JINGLE PUT AWAY MUSIC 37. HALLWAY AMB HALLWAY BUD Oh to hell with it. SOUND SOME QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD Oh, man! That's the prank. Someone broke into the wood shop and stole these little fuckers. Bet they're all over the damn school by now. SOUND MAJORETTE'S CLICKING NOISES BUD Weird. Where's the parade, honey? SOUND SCRAPE AS HE PICKS UP THE STATUE MAJORETTE [clicking turns ugly, creak] SOUND SQUISH, STAB BUD [gurgle, tries to gasp for breath] MAJORETTE [satisfied clicking] SOUND BATON PULLED FREE SOUND GUSH OF BLOOD, BODY DROP SOUND MAJORETTE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC 38. LOUNGE AMB LOUNGE SOUND PHONE HUNG UP LYN [a little uncertain] Police are on their way. SOUND SCREAMS AND BANGING NOISES FROM OUTSIDE IN THE HALL. HAL Shit! LYN [gasp] GEE [whispered] Block the door! [exasperated noise] Argh! END OF PART 2
PromEvil takes you to that most horrifying of places - HIGH SCHOOL. On prom night, naturally. And something horrible is about to come out of the woodshop, and we don't mean Hal in his school mascot costume.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) _______________________________________________________________________ Prom Evil - Part 1 MUSIC AMB BUSY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY P.A. VOICE Don't forget! It's your last chance to pick up those prom tickets! Show your Polk high Spirit! Polky says - don't drink and drive! AMB FADE IN ON WOOD SHOP SOUND HEAVY DISTINCTIVE TICKING CLOCK IN THE WOOD SHOP CARPEL [off] All right, um, kids. Let's start finishing up-- BUD You up for prom tonight? HAL Gotta be there. School spirit and all. BUD Ew, Hal, you're not bringing ..."IT"? HAL It's my job, Bud. Polky lives. CARPEL [off] Let's get everything put-- SOUND BELL RINGS SOUND CLATTER OF STUFF JUST BEING LEFT ON TABLES CARPEL --Away. [sigh] SOUND MASS EXODUS HAL Bud! Dude! [exasperated noise] SOUND GATHERS UP TOOLS SOUND KNOCK ON DOORFRAME TODD Mr. Carpel? SOUND SLAMMING BRIEFCASE SHUT CARPEL [ow!] Damn! [composing himself] This... it's my break, Todd. TODD I just wanted to see... her. SOUND TAP ON GLASS CABINET TODD [almost silent] Hi! CARPEL Todd! TODD She-- They can come home soon, right? CARPEL After tonight, they can do...I mean, YOU...can...do whatever you want with them. ... Her. It. SOUND SCRABBLE OF FEET CARPEL Go on now. I'm not...done... grading. Scoot scoot. TODD Right. [almost silent] Bye! SOUND FEET CARPEL [sigh of relief] HAL [clears his throat] CARPEL [startled] Ahh! HAL Sorry. I was just putting away... CARPEL Of course, of course. Go on now. HAL Right. They're really pretty great, you have to admit. CARPEL What? HAL The carvings. SOUND LIGHT TAP ON GLASS HAL I woulda gone for it, but I don't have the patience. Or the carving skillz-- CARPEL Right, right - just please-- HAL Got it! Evaporate. SOUND FEET, DOOR SLAMS CARPEL [sigh, of extreme relief] MUSIC AMB HALLWAY SOUND LOCKER CLOSES LYN [sigh] OK, nothing happens. Surprise! BARB It's coming. What? You're all hot to go study? It's party night, Lyn. Loosen up. LYN [sigh] A moment, then-- BARB Jake! You're SO late! LYN Huh? Jake--? BARB Mmm. Come here! SOUND LONG SMOOCHING LYN But, Barb--! Barb! Barb? SOUND SMOOCHING ENDS JAKE [catching his breath] Hey. So, What's the deal? BARB This is my cousin, Lyn. LYN [panicky] uh, yeah. JAKE Hey, Lyn. I-- BARB [sudden rush] I was telling her all about you, and she's just [as if she's looking for something] ...dying ...to meet ...you. [angry sigh] [shrill] Anyway. She doesn't have a date for tonight, so I-- ANDY [coming in] Whoa. What the hell's up? BARB Aha! Jake? You know Andy. JAKE [chuckle] LYN [this is ugly] Ohh! ANDY What's up with this? What-- BARB I meant to tell you earlier, Andy, but you weren't picking up-- ANDY I don't got my cell on me at practice-- BARB [flippant] Andy... it's over-- ANDY Over? It's not over until-- JAKE Oh yeah? BARB So you'll have to find yourself a new "bunny". Right Jake? ANDY You bitch! You said-- BARB For prom. ANDY But, Prom's TONIGHT! BARB Sorry. [she's not] Not my problem. Come on, stud muffins. JAKE [chuckles] SOUND THEY START TO WALK AWAY LYN [rueful] Barb. Jeez. BARB [over her shoulder] Lyn's free tonight. LYN [gasp!] ANDY [to himself] Fine! [to Lyn, muttered] I got tickets, wanna go? LYN I'm really sorry she-- ANDY C'mon...don't make me waste 'em. LYN [tsks] Fine. ANDY See you in the gym? Gotta get back to the field. SOUND HE TROTS OFF LYN Right. Bye. GEE [coming on, whispering] Extra, extra - read all about it. Dumped jock falls for head of debate team. LYN I've already had my heart attack for the day, thanks, Gee. GEE No hearts were injured in the filming of this-- LYN I don't even have a dress. GEE [mock serious] Wanna shock everyone? You could be my date. [goofy kissy noise] LYN [laughs] SOUND BELL RINGS, THEY START DASHING LYN Come on! [hustling] Barb'll have a plan. GEE [keeping up] Oh, yeah. That'll be good. MUSIC SOUND BELL RINGS SOUND STUDENTS POUR OUT - END OF DAY SOUND LOCKERS BEING OPENED STUDENTS [conversations about the prom tonight] SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN CARPEL Oh, um... [hoarse] Miss, um, Francis! [clears his throat] Miss Francis! MISSY Yes? Something I can do for you, Mr. Carpel? ["CAR-pull"] CARPEL [irritable, automatic] That's Carpel. ["car-PELL"] [clears his throat again] I, um, I could use some advice... Could you step in for a moment? MISSY [unsuspecting] Um, sure. What do you need? CARPEL [lying] I have this niece, and it's her birthday, and I want a, um, well, a young woman's opinion of the present I bought for her. It will just take a moment, um, if you can spare the time? MISSY [indulgently] Oh, sure. MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, STUDENTS, TRAFFIC, ETC. STUDENTS [lots of chatter about prom] BUD Life's almost over...what do you plan to do once YOU graduate? HAL Not a clue. Dad says I've got-- [apes dad's voice] ..."no ambition, no drive." I guess he's right. I just don't have a burning desire to DO anything with my life... [LYN AND BARB PASS BY - FADING IN AND THEN OUT] BARB --taffeta underskirt - but not too long, you know? I was all like, how can I possibly dance in that? LYN I don't dance. BARB Let me finish! Sides, I want to show off the adorable prada pumps-- HAL [heavy sigh] Except... BUD [Following the look] Ex-cept? Still got the hots for that brain? HAL She's not a brain, just smart..."Brains" look down on the rest of us, and Lyn...she can be really nice. Not like the barbies you date. BUD Nothing wrong with dumb girls‑‑ HAL Takes one to know one. MUSIC AMB WOOD SHOP MISSY Ooh! Is this what the woodcarving class has been working on! Wow! Look at her teensy little hands! SOUND TAP ON GLASS CARPEL [getting more and more nervous] Ahem. It's just over here, Missy. MISSY Oh, right! SOUND PAPER GIFT BAG FULL OF TISSUE SET ON DESK CARPEL I hope this is something a... young lady would like. MISSY Let's see. SOUND BAG RUSTLES SOUND SOMETHING PICKED UP ON WORKBENCH MISSY What is it? SOUND RUMMAGING IN TISSUE SOUND HAMMER BROUGHT DOWN ON HER HEAD. MISSY Oohhhhh! SOUND BODY DROP SOUND FEET RUN TO DOOR, LOCK IT CARPEL [breathing heavily, panicky] MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE BUD Ask her. HAL Nah. Polky goes stag. BUD Buy a clue, Hal...school mascot never gets laid. 'sides, running around as a big purple - what the hell is Polky, anyway? HAL Polky is the Polk high polka-dot. BUD Ri-i-ight. Well...let's just say it ain't gonna get you a job. HAL Scoff all you want. If I work real hard, someday I could be a giant cell phone at the mall. BUD Hark! The wolverine has left the lamb unguarded-- HAL Barb's gone? Where? BUD She probably went to pee on some poor guy. Mark her territory-- HAL [speculative] Maybe I will.... [grunts as he gets up, then fading] What's the worst that could happen? SOUND CREAK OF BACKPACK MUSIC AMB WOODSHOP CARPEL [still wheezing] SOUND ASTHMA INHALER CARPEL [Deep breath, then an exaggerated one] Clear the mind. [half another breath, cuts off with] Oh, crap! Clear the desk! SOUND EVERYTHING BEING SWEPT OFF THE DESK MISSY [groan, hit by something] CARPEL Oh no! No, no! Come here, you! [grunts as he gets a grip on her] MISSY [groans again] CARPEL And U-U-U-U-U-P! [grunts] SOUND THUMPS [humorous bit, with him trying to get her onto the desk, finally] CARPEL [breathing heavily] MISSY [groans] CARPEL [whispering, afraid to wake her] no! Nononono! Stay down! [a moment of breathing] Good. [a demented whisper of a chuckle] SOUND ROPE BEING UNROLLED CARPEL [to self] need about... hmm... three yards for the feet, and-- SOUND KNOCK AT THE DOOR CARPEL [startled to death] Ahh! SOUND EVERYTHING DROPS, ENDING WITH A GOOFY CLATTER TODD [off] Mr. Carpel? Um, are you there? SOUND DOORKNOB RATTLES SOUND ROPE MOVES AGAIN, BEGINS TO BE KNOTTED CARPEL [barely able to breath] Go away, Todd. I'm busy. Come back tomorrow. MISSY [groans] CARPEL [frustrated noise!] TODD [off] I just wanted to...to check on my project. SOUND KNOT TIED TIGHTLY CARPEL You got an A. Now go away! TODD [off] I...um...Well, all right. SOUND SECOND KNOT CREAKS MISSY [sharp moan] CARPEL [muttered] Better not hit her again... a gag! Yes, um... oh, no that's filthy... um... [catches himself and starts to laugh hysterically] MISSY [moans] CARPEL [worried noise] Ahh! SOUND TISSUE PAPER GRABBED AND SHOVED INTO MOUTH CARPEL That should do it. Now. SOUND BOOK CREAKS OPEN, PAGES FLIP CARPEL Right. SOUND FUMBLING WITH GLASSES CARPEL [reading from a list] Five black candles check. Oil. Salt. Knife, oh yes. SOUND PULLS THE THINGS OUT AS HE NAMES THEM, SETS KNIFE DOWN, AND IT CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR. MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE HAL [to self] Um, hi Lyn! No. [mister slick] "Hey. Prom? Yeah." No. Uh! [grunt as he's shoved aside] BARB [disparaging noise] Walk much? [to Lyn] It's all arranged. LYN How could you--? BARB What? So I helped you. Have a cow. LYN HELPED me? You-- BARB Selflessly gave you my ex‑. Isn't there an award for that? Oh, get that out of my face! GEE What? Oh, sorry, right, if you cross a witch with your shadow, she loses her power over you. SOUND UMBRELLA COLLAPSES BARB What-ever. Lyn. Walk. HAL Oh, darnit. SOUND [OFF] UMBRELLA UP AGAIN HAL Aah! GEE Oh, jeez! Sorry! HAL No.. no worries. [defeated sigh] GEE [tsks merrily] LYN But you...like...Andy? BARB Of course I do. This is just for tonight. GEE [catching up] Let me guess. You fixed him up with Lyn so he wouldn't get snatched up by someone more like...hmm...You? ...at prom. BARB [snide] Coming from someone who carries a black umbrella and only dates on-line. GEE It's a parasol, and I'll still have a complexion when I'm 40! BARB Oh, yeah? That white makeup will suck all your vitamin D! GEE Lizard neck! LYN Gee, leave off, OK? GEE [exasperated sigh] BARB [muttered] Little "Bite-Me Barbie". LYN You leave off too. MUSIC AMB WOOD SHOP SOUND HEAVY CANDLE SET DOWN CARPEL Five. Lit counterclockwise, um... SOUND CLOCK TICKS FOR A MINUTE CARPEL Right. MISSY [moans, then starts to wake, tries to scream around the tissue] CARPEL [more whiny than scary] I'll hit you again if I have to. SOUND TURNS A PAGE CARPEL Circle of chicken blood. SOUND LID UNSCREWS ON PLASTIC BOTTLE, RATTLES AWAY MISSY [SCREAMS AROUND THE PAPER] MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE SOUND HAL DROPS HIS PACK, THEN SITS HAL Psyche 101. [grunts as he sits] BUD What? HAL Psyche 101...I could be a shrink, right? BUD Yeah, right. HAL Maybe I could specialize in abnormal psychology...you could be my first case study. BUD Or him. TODD [muttering] I just wanted to see her, and give her this heart - it's just the right size-- SOUND RATTLE OF TINY NECKLACE CHAIN BUD The resident wood shop mad genius? BOB [calling from off] Ooh, it's Todd...hey, did Barbie ever return your calls? FRED [calling from off] Maybe he's taking Chatty Kathy to the dance tonight. BOB [calling from off] A blow-up doll'd be a better choice, Todd...at least then you'd have a chance of getting a little. TODD [still muttered] Laurel's not a doll, she's a statue. She's ART. GEE Leave off, you scrotes. FRED I vanda suckya blood! GEE You wouldn't know what to DO with my blood. MUSIC AMB WOOD SHOP SOUND LIQUID POURING onto floor CARPEL [chanting] MISSY [moaning] SOUND ROPES CREAK AS SHE STRUGGLES MUSIC TODD [muttering] Laurel is perfect. I made her that way, and she understands me--[gasp] SOUND THUD AS HE RUNS INTO BARB BARB [uh!] Dweeb. Get some glasses. [back to Lyn] I'll even get you a dress. It won't be Vogue, but... SOUND CELL PHONE BEING DIALED LYN [weakening] But I don't want a dress. I really ...Barb...I don't like this. BARB No problem, really. LYN But-- BARB I'd loan you one of mine, but it wouldn't fit. Like a basketball hoop catching tennis balls. LYN [very uncomfortable noise] Umm. BARB Jeez. Missy's not picking up. Wonder who she's doing? MUSIC AMB WOOD SHOP SOUND SCRAPE OF KNIFE BEING PICKED UP CARPEL CHANTING SOUND CELL PHONE MUSIC SOUND KNIFE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR CARPEL What the--? Oh, heavens! SOUND RUMMAGING THROUGH HER PURSE, VARIOUS THINGS TOSSED ONTO FLOOR, SOMETHING SQUEAKS AS IT HITS SOUND FINALLY FINDS PHONE, PUSHES BUTTONS, BUT NOTHING WILL STOPS IT, FINALLY THROWS IT AGAINST WALL AND STOMPS ON IT SOUND PHONE DIES SOUND ASTHMA INHALER MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE LYN All right! I'll...I can borrow a dress from Jean...we wear the same size. BARB Your little sister? She's a baby, how could she have a decent dress? LYN Who else is my mom gonna dress up? Me? MUSIC WOOD SHOP CARPEL CHANTS AGAIN SOUND BOOK CREAKS OPEN SOUND KNIFE PICKED UP OFF FLOOR WITH SCRAPE MISSY [struggling weakly] SOUND SUDDENLY, LUNGES, PLUNGES KNIFE INTO MISSY WITH HORRIBLE SQUISHY NOISE. GRINDS IT AROUND A BIT, MAKING SURE SHE'S DEAD MISSY [death rattle] CARPEL [breathing heavily] SOUND WIPES SWEAT OFF HIS FACE, THEN REACTS AS HE REALIZES HE JUST SMEARED BLOOD ALL OVER HIMSELF. CARPEL gah!! SOUND DASH TO SINK, RUNS WATER MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, BUT AWAY FROM PEOPLE TODD [muttering to self] I spent so much time carving her. I know the project called for raw wood, no paint, but now that they're graded and everything, there's nothing wrong with a little embellishment. SOUND DELICATE NECKLACE CHAIN TODD Gold will suit her dark grain. Oh Laurel! MUSIC AMB WOOD SHOP SOUND TAPS TURNED OFF SOUND DRIPPING CARPEL Right. The blood. SOUND METAL BOWL OUT OF BAG, CATCHES DRIPS CARPEL Almost done now. [ecstatic] And then they'll see! They'll all see! SOUND DRIPPING SLOWS CARPEL No, no, I need more.... I think I need more! Oh! Here. SOUND CUTS A ROPE, ROLLS BODY ONTO ITS SIDE SOUND GUSHY NOISES, MORE DRIPPING CARPEL There we go! That's about enough. SOUND DRIPPING CONTINUES, BODY FLOPS CARPEL Enough! SOUND SHOVE BODY, IT ROLLS WITH A GUSHY NOISE CARPEL Sorry about that, Missy, but it had to be done. I wish you'd just stayed unconscious. Wouldn't have been so awful for you. SOUND SETS DOWN SLOSHY BOWL SOUND OPENS GLASS DOOR OF CASE CARPEL [chanting again] SOUND PICKS UP BOWL SOUND LIQUID BEING POURED MUSIC AMB GYM [EVERYTHING ECHOES] SOUND SOUND CHECK IN BACKGROUND SOUND QUICK STRIDES ACROSS WOOD FLOOR HAL --it's in the band locker. You gotta let me in. PEABODY [over his shoulder] The school is locked up for the night. Besides, the old one's in the drama loft...use it. HAL But it's a piece of crap! The foam rubber's all gone to dust...you can't even breathe in the darn thing. PEABODY You only have to wear it during the announcements. Surely you weren't planning to parade around in the ludicrous mascot costume all night? HAL [clearly disappointed] Guess not. PEABODY Quickly, then... MUSIC CARPEL [The chant ends.] SOUND CREAKING OF WOOD [NOTE] ESTABLISH THE DISTINCTIVE SOUND OF EACH OF THE DOLLS - LAUREL, ahhhh noises; LEDERHOSEN GUY, EVIL CHUCKLE; MONKEYHEAD, SCREECHES; SURFER DUDE, LONG DUH; AND THE MAJORETTE, RHYTHMIC CLICKING SOUNDS. CARPEL It worked! They live! MUSIC AMB GYM SOUND LIQUID POURING SOUND FEET ON STEP LADDER ANGELA Hand me the tape, Marge? SNODGRASS Do I look like someone with three hands? ANGELA [to herself] No, you look like a shaved bulldog in a safety orange muumuu. SOUND POURING STOPS SNODGRASS Huh? ANGELA [covering] Just admiring your dress! SNODGRASS [taking it seriously] It ain't just anybody can wear this color. You were looking for tape? MUSIC SOUND TAPPING OF DOLL FEET AS THEY CLIMB DOWN CARPEL You are mine! My servants! My revenge! SOUND WOODEN FEET AS THEY HOP DOWN LEDERHOSEN GUY EVIL CHUCKLE SOUND MOVED QUICKLY TOWARD CARPEL CARPEL No! No! Not me! You're supposed to obey me! Stop! SOUND PAGING THROUGH BOOK CARPEL Obey me! You're my minions! SOUND THE DOLLS ATTACK. TRIP CARPEL, PUMMEL HIM. CARPEL What are you doing with that awl! You could put an eye out-- [ahh! Gurgle, whiny death noises] SOUND FUTILE POUNDING OF TINY FISTS ON LOCKED DOOR END OF PART 1
Fortune favors the brave... Fortune favors who Mojave tells it to...K I L L FM is the brainchild of a bunch of audio drama creators who wanted to make some weird fiction and would be damned if anything would get in their way...Transcripts and segment credits, descriptions, and links are available on: kill-fm.comContent Warnings: Explicit language, augmented and AI voices, audio panning, loud noises, high pitched sounds, corporate dystopia, esoteric bullshitting, manipulation, intrusive thoughts, isolation, mental illness, medical side effects, derealization, insomnia, extreme nightmares, creature noises, gladiatorial combat, references to semen and cannibalism, sounds of gore, sounds of struggle and injury, body horror, screaming, medical treatment/self-medication, violence, gunshots, vehicle crash, biting and chewing of living people, disregard for human life, death, homicide, implied human sacrifice, drowning, live burial, suffocation, mentions and depictions of suicide, depiction of a child in peril, and mass murder.This special broadcast features (in order):October's Children, The Night Post, Project Gnosis, 19 Nocturne Boulevard, The Love Talker, Syntax, Morbid Forest, The Serpent Under My Skin, and The Storage PapersKILL FM was conceptualized and organized by Joseph Rutledge, Saph the Something, Jess Berson, and Derrick ValenIf you are interested in taking part in a future installment of KILL FM, please fill out this interest form: https://forms.gle/Riy7cdfE8jjr6qGu5This installment's connective script was written by Saph the Something and performed by Derrick Valen as the Announcer, Saph the Something as Madame Isabella Fortune, Stella "Rowan" Odom as Charity Rep 1, and Jess Berson as Charity Rep 2Theme song, finished editing, and cover art by Joseph Rutledge Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Fortune favors the brave... Fortune favors who Mojave tells it to...K I L L FM is the brainchild of a bunch of audio drama creators who wanted to make some weird fiction and would be damned if anything would get in their way...Transcripts and segment credits, descriptions, and links are available on: kill-fm.comContent Warnings: Explicit language, augmented and AI voices, audio panning, loud noises, high pitched sounds, corporate dystopia, esoteric bullshitting, manipulation, intrusive thoughts, isolation, mental illness, medical side effects, derealization, insomnia, extreme nightmares, creature noises, gladiatorial combat, references to semen and cannibalism, sounds of gore, sounds of struggle and injury, body horror, screaming, medical treatment/self-medication, violence, gunshots, vehicle crash, biting and chewing of living people, disregard for human life, death, homicide, implied human sacrifice, drowning, live burial, suffocation, mentions and depictions of suicide, depiction of a child in peril, and mass murder.This special broadcast features (in order):October's Children, The Night Post, Project Gnosis, 19 Nocturne Boulevard, The Love Talker, Syntax, Morbid Forest, The Serpent Under My Skin, and The Storage PapersKILL FM was conceptualized and organized by Joseph Rutledge, Saph the Something, Jess Berson, and Derrick ValenIf you are interested in taking part in a future installment of KILL FM, please fill out this interest form: https://forms.gle/Riy7cdfE8jjr6qGu5This installment's connective script was written by Saph the Something and performed by Derrick Valen as the Announcer, Saph the Something as Madame Isabella Fortune, Stella "Rowan" Odom as Charity Rep 1, and Jess Berson as Charity Rep 2Theme song, finished editing, and cover art by Joseph Rutledge Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The crew of a U-Boat in the Great War find some danger runs very very deep CAST Cap. Karl Heinrich - Rick Lewis Lt. Keinze - J. Hoverson Crew: Shawn Connor & Bryan Hendricksen Music by: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Art - Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a U-boat of the Kaiserliche Marine - can't you tell?" ______________________________________________________________ THE TEMPLE Cast: Lieutenant Commander Karl HEINRICH, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy, Prussian (mid 30s?) Lieutenant Jurgen KIENZE, second in command, "womanish Rhinelander" (30) Boatswain MULLER, elderly "superstitious Alsatian swine" SCHMIDT [mid 20s - goes mad] ZIMMER [mid 20s - leads delegation to get rid of idol] BOHIN [mid 20s - goes mad] RAABE [early 20s - engineer] SCHNEIDER [early 20s - engineer] OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a U-Boat of the Kaiserlich Marine, can't you tell? (That's World War I, for all you younger folks...) [My apologies for any mischaracterization of Germans - it's all from Lovecraft's original text. His complete lack of knowledge of U-Boats also - But I had to leave in the portholes to support the story. Any mistakes in military etiquette of the time are probably mine, though.] MUSIC SCENE 1. AMBIANCE U-BOAT ENGINE SEAMEN [murmuring voices] SOUND HATCH OPENS, CLANGING FOOTSTEPS KIENZE Achtung! Kapitanleutnant Heinrich on deck! SEAMEN [instantly silent] HEINRICH [commanding, slightly angry sounding] Ser gut! I have been reviewing the log regarding the sinking of the British freighter Victory, and I must say [getting ominous] that you are - most definitely - [spitting out the words] the single, absolute, most efficient U-boat crew in the Atlantic. [laughs] At ease, at ease. SEAMEN [Excited chatter] KIENZE I myself cannot wait to view the film we took. HEINRICH Ya, ya. [aside] The camera was off before we sank the lifeboats? KIENZE As always, Kaleu. SOUND HEARTY CLAP ON SHOULDER HEINRICH Most excellent. Come Kienze, I have a bottle of some fine Schnapps. You must help me celebrate. MUSIC in then under SCENE 2. HEINRICH [on a recording, tired sounding] On August 20, 1917, I, Karl Heinrich, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy and in charge of the submarine U-29, deposit this bottle and record in the Atlantic Ocean at a point to me unknown but probably about North Latitude 20 degrees, West Longitude 35 degrees, where my ship lies disabled on the ocean floor. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 3. SFX SUBMARINE SURFACES SOUND HATCH OPENS AMBIANCE CALM SEA, OCCASIONAL BIRDS SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH [grunt - stretching noise] There is nothing like the first step out on deck after a victory, eh?. KIENZE A "Victory"? [chuckles] Ya. Very amusing. MULLER [off] Kaleu, sir! Come! SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH What could be so-- Oh! MULLER He must be from the Victory, sir! KIENZE Alive? HEINRICH Don't be foolish, Kienze, we were far too long submerged. He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves. [shouting off] Remove the corpse! [NOTE - red text will come back at the end in echoes] ZIMMER Sir! His hands are in a death grip! HEINRICH Fingers break more easily than railings. ZIMMER [hesitantly] uh... Aye sir! SOUND POUNDING NOISES HEINRICH [sanctimonious] One more victim of the unjust war of aggression the English schweinhunds are waging upon the Reich. KIENZE Truly, he is our victim. Nothing more. HEINRICH You do not see the whole picture - [amused] Just like a soft-headed Rhinelander. If you were a solid Prussian like myself-- SEAMEN [OFF - NOISE OF AN ALTERCATION] HEINRICH Vas is los? Go and see. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL KIENZE What is this? What is this? Achtung! SOUND SCRAMBLE OF MEN GETTING TO THEIR FEET KIENZE What is so very exciting? ZIMMER Sir! Schmidt took something from the pocket of the ... [gulp] d-dead one. KIENZE Schmidt? Would you show this to me? SCHMIDT It is nothing, Leutnant. KIENZE I will judge that. Give it me. [beat] Well, this is... certainly something. I am confiscating it - now put that over the side. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH So? KIENZE A bauble. Ivory, I think - looks like a classical bust, ya? HEINRICH Not a senator, though - this one is much too young and handsome. KIENZE Possibly a kaiser? HEINRICH Or a god. KIENZE [reluctantly] It is yours, if you want it. It might be valuable-- HEINRICH No, no. I have not the sentimental-- MULLER [off, screams] SOUND FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON METAL HEINRICH [puffing only slightly] What is it? SCHMIDT [shivering with fear] Muller, sir - it is Muller! KIENZE Muller's unconscious. HEINRICH Wake him. SOUND SLAPS MULLER [wails] SOUND ANOTHER SLAP MULLER [gasps, is silent] HEINRICH Get him up here. [command] Stations! SOUND RUNNING FEET CLANG AWAY KIENZE Are you going to talk sense now? MULLER [hollow] His eyes! His eyes! KIENZE Whose eyes? Speak sense! SOUND SLAP HEINRICH Enough! Muller. Tell me what is wrong. MULLER Ya, mein kapitan! [trying to calm down] The body - the eyes were closed. But when they rolled it over the side, they opened - and they were mocking us! HEINRICH [casual] Superstitious rubbish. Muller, you have seen corpses before now, and-- MULLER Sir! But that is not all! He-- [sullen, inward] You will not believe me! KIENZE You are under orders to speak. MULLER I-- watched as the body hit the water. I saw it sink beneath the waves, and-- HEINRICH And--? MULLER [almost a whisper] It drew its limbs in, and swam away. KIENZE You filthy lying--! [grunt as about to slap him again] HEINRICH Nein, Leutnant. [calming] Muller. You know this cannot be true, don't you? MULLER But I saw-- HEINRICH Water is deceptive. It is strange, ya, that the body simply sank - but that is probably due to its waterlogged condition after being held under on our railing for hours. Beyond that--? It is all a trick of the light. MULLER Truly? HEINRICH I will hear no more about it, ya? MÜLLER But you should keep no part of him on the ship - it is bad luck. The statue-- HEINRICH Is nothing. It is a trinket. You go about your duties now, Boatswain. SOUND RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS AWAY HEINRICH Pfaugh. [muttered growl] Superstitious Alsatian swine! Why am I surrounded by inferior-- KIENZE Kaleu? Do you wish that I throw the bust overb-- HEINRICH Nonsense. We do not give in to fear. We are men of the twentieth century - and, more importantly, officers in the Kaiserliche Marine. KIENZE I could... tell them I threw it-- HEINRICH Do not show weakness. It makes you sound unreliable. MUSIC in and under SCENE 4. HEINRICH [canned] The next day a very troublesome situation was created by the indisposition of some of the crew. Evidently suffering from the nervous strain of our long voyage, they had had bad dreams. When weather turned choppy, we descended to a depth where the sea was comparatively calm, despite a somewhat puzzling southward current which we could not identify from our oceanographic charts. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 5. SOUND HATCH CLOSES SFX SUBMARINE SUBMERGES SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON METAL RAABE Under-Engineer Raabe, here to make a report, sir! HEINRICH Where is Schneider? RAABE He is ... unwell, sir. HEINRICH What is wrong? RAABE He... did not sleep well, sir. HEINRICH What? KIENZE It is the same with many of the men, Kaleu. They are feverish and say they have had bad dreams. HEINRICH If they are shirking, I will-- RAABE Sir, no! Schmidt is burning up with fever, screaming all night in his berth. HEINRICH [sympathetic] Then you did not sleep well either, I expect? RAABE Nein, Kaleu. HEINRICH [very pleased] Yet you are here, like a good sailor. Good man-- MULLER [muttered off] It is the idol. It is accursed. HEINRICH What? Muller? MULLER [panicky] Nothing. I said nothing sir. KIENZE He said-- HEINRICH [grim] I heard what he said. Muller, I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship! KIENZE [amused undertone] You forget, mein noble Kapitan, I am a commoner as well. HEINRICH [dismissively] Burgher stock. [teasing slightly] And they made you an officer - you must have some good qualities. MULLER What does it matter? We are all doomed! RAABE [dismissive] Doomed? Because some men are sick? HEINRICH Sehr gut. We must remain rational at times like these. Retain our iron German will. [sharp] Kienze? KIENZE [snapping to] Ya mein kapitanleutnant? HEINRICH Remove Boatswain Muller. KIENZE Ya, Kaleu. MUSIC in and under SCENE 6. HEINRICH [canned] The moans of the sick men were decidedly annoying; but since they did not appear to demoralize the rest of the crew, we did not resort to ... extreme measures. It was our plan to remain where we were and intercept the liner Dacia, mentioned in information from agents in New York. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 7. SOUND INSIDE THE BOAT. MANY FEET RUNNING ACROSS METAL, FEET STOP ABRUPTLY CROWD [muttering, backs up Zimmer throughout the scene.] HEINRICH Und vas is los? ZIMMER [clears throat] Kapitanleutnant, we must request - most strenuously - that you-- HEINRICH Is this about that knickknack? What sort of Gypsies are you, to believe such phantasms? ZIMMER But what could it hurt, sir? It is surely not so valuable that it is worth risking-- HEINRICH What? Risking what? The only thing we are risking here is our mission. BOHIN We will all die! ZIMMER Shh. [trying to sound reasonable] Morale, mein kapitan. It is such a small thing, yet would mean so much to the men. HEINRICH [low, despising] I see no men here. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 8. HEINRICH [canned] Everyone seemed inclined to be silent now, as though holding a secret fear. Many were ill, but none made a disturbance. Lieutenant Kienze chafed under the strain, and was annoyed by the merest trifle - such as the schools of dolphins which passed the U-29 in increasing numbers, and the growing intensity of that southward current which was not on our chart. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 9. SOUND HATCH CLANGS SHUT AMBIANCE UP TOPSIDE SCHMIDT That makes seven of us. We can surely-- ZIMMER Muller is still in irons. He can be no help. BOHIN Muller saw them! ZIMMER Shh. None of the crazy talk, Bohin. We cannot let ourselves-- BOHIN [too intense to be sane] I have not seen them, but they call to me! Their voices are like the waves - but waves that make words! SCHMIDT [sigh] So there are six of us. SOUND HATCH OPENS, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS RAABE What is going on here? SCHMIDT [snort] We are planning a party. What does it look like? RAABE What is happening that makes everyone so-- BOHIN There! In the WATER! They have come! RAABE --Crazy? SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, A STRUGGLE, A BODY SLAMMED AGAINST METAL. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 10. HEINRICH [canned] He was in a detestably childish state, and babbled of some illusion of dead bodies drifting past the portholes; bodies which he recognized, in spite of bloating, as having seen dying during some of our victorious German exploits. And he said that the young man we had found and tossed overboard was their leader. This was very gruesome and abnormal. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 11. RAABE Seaman Bohin tried to leap off the deck. We had to hold him down until the madness left him, sir. KIENZE All for such a small thing. SOUND SMALL IVORY STATUE SET ON TABLE RAABE That is what this is all about? KIENZE Just that. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, STATUE IS SNATCHED UP AND PUT AWAY IN A POCKET ZIMMER Sir! Leutnant Kienze? Bohin is gone! He is nowhere on the ship. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 12. HEINRICH [canned] It at length became apparent that we had missed the Dacia altogether. Such failures are not uncommon, and we were more pleased than disappointed, since our return to Wilhelmshaven was now in order. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 13. SOUND MEASURED FOOTSTEPS AMB INSIDE SEAMEN [Muffled, CHEERS!!!] HEINRICH [sigh] This soft-headedness is not good. Morale is the result of willpower, not coddling. KIENZE Still, I too will be glad when this trip is over. That southern current we have blundered into bothers me. HEINRICH It explains how we missed our target. Not every inch of the ocean is charted properly. KIENZE But it is so strong - to be overlooked. RAABE [clears his throat] Sir? HEINRICH Schneider still not feeling well? RAABE He prefers to remain in the engine room, sir. He does not like ... being near portholes. KIENZE Portholes? RAABE His dreams haunt him. [hurriedly] But he is not impaired in his job. HEINRICH [teasing] Well, certainly you did not come all this way to tell us Senior Engineer Schneider does not like portholes. Out with it! RAABE Something fantastic has happened. The boat - it is surrounded by -- dolphins. HEINRICH Dolphins? How many? SOUND KIENZE'S FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY KIENZE [off] Ya, come and look! They are everywhere! HEINRICH Finally something the superstitious can interpret as a good sign, ya? KIENZE [jubilant] Just as we decide to return to Schlicktown! This should truly mollify them. HEINRICH [dry] How fortunate. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 14. HEINRICH [canned] At noon June 28 we turned northeastward, and despite some rather comical entanglements with the unusual masses of dolphins, were soon under way. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 15. SOUND SNORING [HEINRICH] SFX EXPLOSION HEINRICH [wakes up] What? What? SOUND MANY RUNNING FEET, SOME BARE, ONE PAIR OF BOOTS STOMPS THROUGH CALMLY HEINRICH Report. Someone report! SCHMIDT This is your fault, you swine! You made us‑‑ SOUND SLAP, BODY HITS METAL WALL HEINRICH SHUT UP. Is there anyone who can talk sense? KIENZE [breathless, and coughing] They have the fire out. The explosion was in the engine room. HEINRICH What caused it? KIENZE They have found no cause as yet. The damage is extensive. All systems have not yet been tested, but it is certain we have no steering. HEINRICH No--? What about the air compressors? KIENZE They appear undamaged. But, mein freund-- HEINRICH Ya? What is it? KIENZE Schneider and - and Raabe - they were killed instantly. HEINRICH [long indrawn breath, then cold as he can be] That is most unfortunate. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 16. HEINRICH [canned] Our situation had suddenly become grave indeed; for though the chemical air regenerators were intact, and we could use the devices for raising and submerging the ship and opening the hatches as long as compressed air and storage batteries might hold out, we were powerless to propel or guide the submarine. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 17. SOUND SNORING [KIENZE] SOUND CURTAIN OPENS VERY STEALTHILY, HUSHED FOOTSTEPS, RUSTLING KIENZE [snoring stops] SCHMIDT [gasp] SOUND SCUFFLE SOUND COCK OF GUN KIENZE What is it you think you are doing? SCHMIDT [nutso] He demands it! He will not let me sleep until it is returned to him! HEINRICH [off] Was iss? KIENZE A mutiny, kaleu. MUSIC VERY BRIEF HEINRICH [muttered] Can we do without Schmidt, short as we are of hands? KIENZE Hah! With no engines to maintain, I must always find make-work for the men. They will go mad [bad choice of words] -- they are restless if left sitting on their hands. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 18. HEINRICH [canned] German lives are precious, but the constant raving of Schmidt concerning a terrible curse was most subversive of discipline, so drastic steps were taken. The crew accepted the event in a sullen fashion. MUSIC FADED OUT SCENE 19. AMBIANCE INSIDE SOUND HATCH OPENS ZIMMER [jubilant, yelling down from above] A ship! We are delivered! HEINRICH [composed] Excellent. You see, Kienze? It is never so dark that there is no light. Come along. SOUND STEPS CLIMBING LADDER, THEN OUT ON DECK KIENZE Give me the glasses. ZIMMER But it is a ship, leutnant, isn't that enough? KIENZE [suspicious] Glasses, now! SOUND A BEAT, THEN HEAVY ITEM PUT IN GLOVED HAND. HEINRICH Vas ist? KIENZE [disappointed and disgusted] Yankees. ZIMMER But surely surrender is better than death-- HEINRICH [cold] Zimmer? ZIMMER [braced for the worst] Ya, kapitanleutnant? HEINRICH [colder] Prepare for a dive. SOUND GOING DOWN LADDER. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 20. HEINRICH [canned] We did not descend far. After several hours, we decided to return to the surface, however, the ship failed to respond to our direction in spite of all that the mechanics could do. Some of the men began to mutter again, but the sight of an automatic pistol calmed them. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 21. KIENZE Kaleu, the men are very restless. They fear the worst, being trapped and drifting. They blame us for making a bad decision. HEINRICH [offhand] It was the only decision to make. None but a weakling would surrender to the Yankees. KIENZE Any man may turn weak in such conditions-- HEINRICH [self-satisfied] No Prussian. And if I must be the backbone so my crew can stand straight as men, so be it. KIENZE The men are restless. Angry. HEINRICH [dangerous] If they will not stand, then I will put them down and stamp their bodies into pulp fit only to paint the walls. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 22. HEINRICH [canned] It was about 5 A.M., that the general mutiny broke loose. The six remaining pigs of seamen, suspecting that we were lost, suddenly burst into a mad fury, roared like the animals they were, and broke instruments and furniture indiscriminately. Leutnant Kienze seemed paralyzed and inefficient, as one might expect of a soft, womanish Rhinelander. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 23. SOUND FADING IN, SIX GUNSHOTS, ECHO FADES AWAY HEINRICH [breathing hard] KIENZE [gasping, almost hysterical] HEINRICH [deep breath] Get up. KIENZE [gasps] Did you--? Was that ... necessary? HEINRICH [scornful laugh] You saw them. Now, stand. We need to clean house. KIENZE What do you plan to do? HEINRICH What else? Put them out. We can't keep them here to stink up the place. SOUND SCUFFLING, THEN SHUFFLING FEET KIENZE We can use the top hatch-- HEINRICH Ya, ya. [going off] Make sure they are all dead, will you? KIENZE [calling] Where are--? This will be easier with two. HEINRICH [turning back, briefly] So would killing them, but I had to handle that. This is your part. [leaving again] Let me know when you need help getting them up into the hatch. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 24. HEINRICH [canned] Our compasses, depth gauges, and other delicate instruments were ruined by the rampage of those swine; henceforth our only reckoning would be guesswork, based on our watches, the calendar, and our apparent rate of drift. MUSIC FADED OUT SCENE 25. SOUND FEET COMING IN [KEINZE] HEINRICH Look at this. KIENZE [coming in] Ya? Oh, ya, more dolphins. Very exciting. HEINRICH No, no - this one here. See the one with the scar? KIENZE Ya. HEINRICH How deep are we, did we determine? KIENZE Too deep for dolphins, certainly, but-- HEINRICH I have been watching this one in the searchlight for two hours now - and he has not left our side. Delphinus delphis is a cetacean mammal, unable to subsist without air. KIENZE Perhaps they are magic dolphins. [trying to chuckle] I'm not interested in them until we run out of other rations. HEINRICH It is a very important discovery. Perhaps a new sub-species. KIENZE [sigh] I'm sure the dolphins will be fascinated when you present your paper to them. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 26. HEINRICH [canned] With the passage of time Kienze and I decided that we were still drifting south, meanwhile sinking deeper and deeper. I could not help observing, however, the inferior scientific knowledge of my companion. His mind was not Prussian, but given to imaginings with no value. MUSIC HAS FADED OUT SCENE 27. SOUND SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON KIENZE Fabulous, isn't it? HEINRICH Sunken ships? Interesting, yes, but fabulous? What else are you likely to find on the ocean floor? KIENZE No, no - look there. To the right. You see? That peak. It is -- HEINRICH A rock. KIENZE No! It is too regular for a rock. You will see when we get closer. HEINRICH Wake me when you can see it, then. I think I will have some sleep. KIENZE You don't care? HEINRICH Ya, ya. Do you need me to remain? SOUND SITS IN CHAIR KIENZE [beat] We have lost our escort. SOUND LEAFING THROUGH A BOOK HEINRICH Vas? KIENZE Your beloved dolphins. They have finally abandoned us. HEINRICH I am more surprised they remained with us so long. KIENZE [beat] What are we to do? HEINRICH Do? About the dolphins? I am sure they can take care of themselves. KIENZE You know what I mean! What are we to do when we run out of... of... everything HEINRICH That is days, perhaps weeks away. Why waste angst? KIENZE But - there is no hope. We will ... we must die. HEINRICH Everyone must die. KEINZE We could try and get to the surface - one of us - in the diving suit. HEINRICH And how deep did we decide we were? KEINZE [beat, sigh] very deep. HEINRICH If you want to take the suit, and try to get it to the surface, you are welcome. But you know what will happen. KEINZE It is possible to survive caissons disease. ["the bends"] Even drastic decompression-- HEINRICH As a cripple? With joints that never work without pain? With skin so damaged no one can look you in the face? Perhaps paralyzed, even? Incontinent? KEINZE [sigh] HEINRICH Better to die as a man than live as a beast. Of course you might be lucky and have an embolism on the way up, and then ride the waves as a corpse. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 28. HEINRICH [canned] His mind was tired, but I am always a German, and was quick to notice that the U-29 was standing the deep-sea pressure splendidly. Our southward speed, as gauged by the ocean floor, was about as I had estimated from the organisms passed at higher levels. MUSIC FADE AND OUT SCENE 29. SOUND BOTTLE POURS KIENZE [slightly drunk] Ya, plenty of air and food, but this [long gulping swig] won't last forever. HEINRICH Not at the rate you are abusing it. KIENZE I cannot lose myself in study as you do. What is the point? So you know so much more before you die. HEINRICH It is not impossible we will encounter another u-boat. KIENZE Wake up Karl! This boat - it is our tomb. We are dead men. All we have left to do is lie down. HEINRICH Go to bed, Leutnant. There is no point in talking when you are totalblau. KIENZE [laughs bitterly] You are going to give me orders yet? What if I disobey? You clap me in irons? You will shoot me? HEINRICH [close and dangerous] I will remind you that you are a man, a trained soldier, and an officer of the kaiser's navy, and as such you should have the will to face death. KIENZE I am a soldier, ya. I can face death in battle. It is this lingering, drifting fate that horrifies me. It is like having a fatal disease - you know you must die, but you cannot know when. HEINRICH Very well, then. SOUND GUN OUT OF HOLSTER, CLICK AS BULLETS ARE CHECKED, GUN DROPPED ON TABLE HEINRICH More air for me. SOUND RATTLE OF CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, RATTLE OF GUN ON TABLE MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 30. HEINRICH [canned] The fact of our coming death affected Kienze curiously. I was very sorry for him, for I dislike to see a German suffer; but he was not a good man to die with. For myself I was proud, knowing how the Fatherland would revere my memory. MUSIC FADES OUT SCENE 31. SOUND SNORING [KIENZE] KIENZE [waking with a horrified start, screaming] He is calling! He is calling! I hear him! SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR HEINRICH [coming on] What is wrong? KIENZE We must go! He will not call forever! SOUND SLAP KIENZE [gasps, breathing hard, almost sobbing] HEINRICH [commanding] Calm down. Remember yourself, man. KIENZE V-v-vas? Kaleu? HEINRICH There you are. [disdainful] You were having a nightmare. Now you are better. SOUND FOOTSTEPS BEGIN TO WALK AWAY KIENZE No. SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP HEINRICH [sigh] Vas? KIENZE It was not a dream. It was a voice. I still hear it, you see! I still hear him. He calls to me - to us. I don't know why you cannot hear him! HEINRICH You are still drunk. Or deluded. KIENZE I am not. Truly. If you do not believe me, look out the porthole, and you will see his face. It is right in front of us. HEINRICH What? Show me. Ah - blackness. Precisely what is between your ears. KIENZE The searchlight - kommen-zie! SOUND FOOTSTEPS, SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON KIENZE There! There! HEINRICH Mein gott! MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 32. HEINRICH [canned] I am not given to emotion of any kind, but my amazement was very great when I saw what lay revealed in that electrical glow. And yet as one reared in the best Kultur of Prussia, I should not have been amazed, for geology and tradition alike tell us of great transpositions in oceanic and continental areas. What I saw was an extended and elaborate array of ruined edifices; all in various stages of preservation. MUSIC OUT SCENE 33. HEINRICH [pleased] Atlantis! And we, Germans, have discovered it! This is stupendous. KIENZE He is out there. His temple lies still before us, and he watches us from afar. HEINRICH You saw this in your dreams? KIENZE [disturbingly reasonable] He told me. We should go. HEINRICH Go? Where? KIENZE To him. Come now - do not wait until later; it is better to repent and be forgiven than to defy and be condemned. HEINRICH You think we should go outside? We have only one diving apparatus. KIENZE [laughs disturbingly] A suit? We need no suits - he will gather us to him. HEINRICH You have finally crossed into madness. I will find you some medication. KIENZE You cannot cure this with your science, Karl. You are so sensible, and what does it get you? Nothing. Nothing! Come now, or there will be nothing left for you! HEINRICH You are mad. KIENZE [losing it] If I am mad, it is a blessing. May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end! Come and be mad whilst he still calls with mercy! MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 34. HEINRICH [canned] As he spoke he took his ivory image from the table, pocketed it, and seized my arm in an effort to drag me up the companionway to the deck. When that did not work, he fled. In a moment I heard the grind of the first hatch, and understood that he meant to open them both, exposing the U-29 to the water outside, a vagary of suicidal and homicidal mania for which I was scarcely prepared. MUSIC OUT SCENE 35. SOUND THE HATCH WHEEL SPINS SOUND GUN COCKS HEINRICH One more move and I shoot. KIENZE [laughs hysterically] Shoot? I have nothing to fear. He will welcome me. HEINRICH Did I say I would kill you? I will shoot you in the leg, and clap you in irons. KIENZE You ... would do that!? HEINRICH Ya. [jaunty] But, I am not one to hold a man back. If you wish to go, go. I will even run the hatches for you. KIENZE You... why? HEINRICH Further, I will watch and make sure he finds you, once you are adrift. KIENZE [plaintive] But you will not come with me? HEINRICH Nein. I have things yet to accomplish. KIENZE Very well. But he will not be pleased with you if you ignore his summons. MUSIC IN AND UNDER SCENE 36. HEINRICH [canned] After I saw that Kienze was no longer in the boat I threw the searchlight around the water. I wished to ascertain whether the water-pressure would flatten him as it theoretically should, or whether the body would be unaffected, like those extraordinary dolphins. I did not, however, succeed in finding my late companion, for, owing to the abruptness of the change of angle, a wire was disconnected, which necessitated a delay of many minutes for repairs. MUSIC OUT SCENE 37. SOUND SEARCHLIGHT OUT [NOTE: "HIS ECHO" REFERS TO HEINRICH'S OWN WORDS FROM EARLIER IN THE SHOW - COMING BACK TO HAUNT HIM. THEY WILL BE PUT IN IN POST, AND HEINRICH SHOULD NOT REALLY PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THEM AS HE SPEAKS, AS THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY CONVERSING.] HEINRICH [slow sigh] HIS ECHO [very quiet] He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves. HEINRICH Alone. To survive until I die. [deep breath] Very well. SOUND FOOTSTEPS HIS ECHO [very quiet] One more victim of the unjust war of aggression... SOUND PULL OUT BOOK, OPEN AND PAGE THROUGH. SCENE 38. MUSIC IN HEINRICH [canned] I must be careful how I record my awakening today, for I am unstrung, and much hallucination is necessarily mixed with fact. Psychologically my case is most interesting, and I regret that it cannot be observed scientifically by a competent German authority. HIS ECHO If you were a solid Prussian like myself-- HEINRICH Upon opening my eyes my first sensation was an overmastering desire to visit the rock temple that stood before the now-stationary U29. HIS ECHO No, no. I have not the sentimental-- HEINRICH a desire which grew every instant, yet which I automatically sought to resist. MUSIC OUT SCENE 39. SOUND VAGUE CHANTING, DEEP UNDER. HEINRICH [Waking suddenly] Heh? What is this? SOUND SCRABBLE OUT OF BED, CROSS ROOM HEINRICH Light? Where is this coming from? [wild hope] Could it be? SOUND RUN THROUGH SHIP HEINRICH Where? Another ship? [muttered] Port side, port side. Aha! [sound of triumph turns into sound of dismay] HIS ECHO Superstitious rubbish. HEINRICH It is alight! MUSIC UP SCENE 40. HEINRICH It is well that the reader accept nothing which follows as objective truth, for the events are necessarily the subjective and unreal creations of my overtaxed mind. HIS ECHO It is all a trick of the light. HEINRICH When I attained the conning tower I found the sea in general far less luminous than I had expected. But the door and windows of the undersea temple hewn from the rocky hill were vividly aglow with a flickering radiance, as from a mighty altar-flame far within. HIS ECHO I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship! HEINRICH The light showed that the friezes which covered the front of the temple, clearly carved from the solid rock of the cliffside, depicted many repetitions of but one face - the same face as the ivory bust which Kienze had carried back to the sea with him. HIS ECHO --this one is much too young and handsome. HEINRICH The rest is very simple. HIS ECHO --a god. HEINRICH My impulse to visit and enter the temple has now become an inexplicable and imperious command which ultimately cannot be denied. HIS ECHO This soft-headedness is not good. HEINRICH My own German will no longer controls my acts, and volition is henceforward possible only in minor matters. HIS ECHO Do not show weakness. It makes you sound unreliable. HEINRICH When first I saw that I must go, HIS ECHO That is most unfortunate. HEINRICH I prepared my diving suit, helmet, and air regenerator for instant donning, HIS ECHO --have an embolism on the way up, and ride the waves as a corpse. HEINRICH and immediately commenced to write this hurried chronicle in the hope that it may some day reach the world. HIS ECHO This is your part. HEINRICH I shall seal the manuscript in a bottle and entrust it to the sea as I leave the U-29 forever. HIS ECHO Better to die as a man than live as a beast. HEINRICH I have no fear, not even from the prophecies of the madman Kienze. HIS ECHO None but a weakling would surrender HEINRICH What I have seen cannot be true, and I know that this madness of my own, will at most lead only to suffocation when my air is gone. HIS ECHO you should have the will to face death. HEINRICH The light in the temple is a sheer delusion, and I shall die calmly like a German, in the black and forgotten depths. HIS ECHO Why waste angst? HEINRICH This demoniac laughter which I hear as I write comes only from my own weakening brain. HIS ECHO blackness. Precisely what is between your ears. HEINRICH So I will carefully don my suit and walk boldly up the steps into the primal shrine, that silent secret of unfathomed waters and uncounted years. HIS ECHO If you wish to go, go. END
When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical. Cast List Cael - Julie Hoverson Amalan - Krystal Baker Mazurin - Gareth Bowley Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf Prince Tupin - Abner Senires Music: Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen Editing / Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a road through a dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle" ________________________________________________ SWORD KVETCH Cast: Mazurin, Evil Wizard Cael, Amazon Warrior Tupin, Captive Prince Gigli, Goblin Amalan, Magic Sword OLIVIA What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell? MUSIC AMB SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS SOUND WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE SOUND HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER CAEL [sigh] Typical. AMALAN What? CAEL I could write a ballad already. AMALAN Oh, no. No, no, no - that's not your job. CAEL Shh. I'm composing. [muttering to self] AMALAN [whispered] [sigh] Typical. CAEL Evil castle looms ahead.... Hmm... Nighttime, need to rest my head-- AMALAN You can't rhyme head with ahead. CAEL It rhymes, doesn't it? AMALAN [exasperated sigh] CAEL [vague threat] I'm getting another sword. AMALAN You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me. CAEL [exasperated sigh] AMALAN And who could you ever pass me off to? CAEL Someone deaf. MUSIC AMD ECHOEY CASTLE SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN GIGLI [coming on] Master! Master! MAZURIN [distracted] Mm? GIGLI Master! MAZURIN Shh-shh-shh. [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi? GIGLI But master--! MAZURIN [tsks] I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust. GIGLI [flat] Why? MAZURIN It's a vital transmutation. A change like this could make a great deal of difference! GIGLI To a thirsty cockroach? MAZURIN No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change-- GIGLI [sigh] Sir? MAZURIN --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture. And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust! GIGLI Good. Lovely. Can I report now? It's kind of urgent. SOUND FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC. MAZURIN [still distracted] Uh - what? Yes, of course, go ahead. GIGLI Are you listening? SOUND BOTTLE SET DOWN MAZURIN [distant] Of course. GIGLI [exasperated] Oh! SOUND BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR MAZURIN What? Why did you--? GIGLI Listening now? MAZURIN [annoyed] Yes, get on with it! GIGLI Someone is approaching the castle! MAZURIN [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses. GIGLI It's an Amazon! MAZURIN [mildly interested] Oh, that's different. [shrug] Still, the defenses... GIGLI The moat monster is in labor. MAZURIN I thought it laid eggs. GIGLI Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it. And it's not best pleased about it. MAZURIN Oh. GIGLI And the man-eating vines--? MAZURIN What? I didn't do-- They're not giving birth, are they? GIGLI Think it through? MAZURIN What? GIGLI Man-eating vines? Amazon warrior? MAZURIN [realizing slowly] Oh? Oh! GIGLI [sigh] MUSIC SOUND HOOFBEATS ON WOOD AMALAN Cael, I don't like this. CAEL You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle? AMALAN [sarcastic] No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'. Of course that's what I mean! There must be a trap-- CAEL I'll keep my eyes peeled. AMALAN Me too. CAEL You haven't any eyes. AMALAN Don't nitpick. SOUND HOOFBEATS STOP SOUND TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL CAEL [musing] No reception committee. No moat monster.... The gargoyles? AMALAN They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there. CAEL Well, then. SOUND DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS SOUND POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR AMALAN Subtlety. I like it. CAEL It's what I do. MUSIC SOUND DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR GIGLI [calling from off] Master! MAZURIN Stop banging, Gigli. SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH GIGLI [a little closer] They're at the door! MAZURIN Tell them we don't want any. GIGLI [almost here] The Amazon? MAZURIN Oh, yes. She got through the defenses--? Oh, yes of course. GIGLI What are you going to do? MAZURIN Oh, the usual. GIGLI [sigh, down] Send me to find out what she wants? MAZURIN Good idea. Let me know what she says. MUSIC SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR AMALAN If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses. CAEL The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle. AMALAN They might not know. CAEL Yes. [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out-- GIGLI [yelling from off, above] Hail, warrior! CAEL Hmm. Manners. [up] Who hails me? GIGLI I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer-- AMALAN [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance? CAEL [side of mouth] Shh. [up] I have come to face your wizard. Open the gate. GIGLI What is your charge? Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage. AMALAN Crooking tiers? CAEL [tiny sigh] I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie-- AMALAN With a minor in [shudder] songwriting... CAEL --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer-- AMALAN [muttered] Ballbuster. CAEL [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage. GIGLI And my boss is supposed to care - why? CAEL The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours. AMALAN Excessive. CAEL And thus have I come to reclaim him. GIGLI Oh! Right. Hold on, I'll tell the wizard. CAEL Where'd he go? AMALAN Ducked behind one of those excrescences. CAEL I didn't see any of those. AMALAN [exasperated] The gargoyles. CAEL So we wait for the wizard to speak. SOUND DRUMMING OF FINGERS AMALAN Oh, you're not-- CAEL "Green and crooked, small and beady"... [searching for a rhyme] beady? Beeeee-dy. AMALAN Eyes are beady. He was more... seedy. CAEL Ah! "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady". AMALAN [sigh] MUSIC SOUND SCRITCHING OF A PEN SOUND SLAPPING FEET RUN UP GIGLI [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off] Sire! She's here for him! SOUND DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS MAZURIN Him? Oh, well. That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and-- GIGLI You can't just hand him over! MAZURIN Why not? Then she'll go away. Problem solved. GIGLI [exasperated sigh] Tradition? Ring a bell? MAZURIN Tradition? Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like-- GIGLI No! But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness. [muttered] And so she'll keep him once she gets him. MAZURIN Oh. I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks. What does tradition say? GIGLI I'll make you up some note cards. Want me to let her in? MAZURIN An... Amazon? Don't they sleep in barns or something? GIGLI I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her. I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner. MAZURIN I will? GIGLI Tradition. MAZURIN [pouting] Fine. Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes. MUSIC GIGLI [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly. SOUND BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL AMALAN Roomy. CAEL Kind of dusty, isn't it? AMALAN Hard to keep help in an evil castle. CAEL [agreeing] Hmm. SOUND POOF! MAZURIN [booming voice] Dusty? Humph! SOUND POOF! SOUND WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER. AMALAN [doubtful] Impressive? MAZURIN [muttered] Oh, drat. CAEL [wiping her face] Well, that's new. SOUND SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF MAZURIN [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on. AMALAN You could use it, back home. CAEL Shh. AMALAN You could finally get your quarters clean. CAEL Shh! MAZURIN What? CAEL Nothing. [declaring] Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed. This is my quest. [snarls] Do not stand in my way. MAZURIN Oh, of course not. AMALAN What? GIGLI [hissed] Master! MAZURIN Huh? Oh right - as long as-- um, you-- GIGLI [whispered prompting] Can overcome my challenges three. MAZURIN --Can overcome three challenges. GIGLI [muttered] Close enough. CAEL Of course. Name your challenges. MAZURIN [taken completely aback] Oh! Well-- GIGLI [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward] My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days. Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one. CAEL Morning? Why not start now? AMALAN Tradition. GIGLI Tradition, milady. CAEL Fine. What now? GIGLI Dinner? CAEL Hmm. How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time? MUSIC SOUND RINGING OF CRYSTAL AMALAN Well, it's a guy. CAEL He's... glass? MAZURIN Much less irritating that way. GIGLI [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt. AMALAN That's a lot of contempt. CAEL It's rather a lot of prince. Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front. When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right? MAZURIN That goes without saying-- GIGLI After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh. After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him. CAEL Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton. And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him. MAZURIN Not really. AMALAN Nice. CAEL You said something about dinner? MUSIC SOUND DINING GIGLI More port, sire? MAZURIN [dismissive] Yes, yes. Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy-- SOUND CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink MAZURIN Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him-- GIGLI Your port. MAZURIN Over there, beside the battlefield. GIGLI [exasperated sigh] SOUND CUP SET DOWN. MAZURIN Where was I, oh yes, slow him-- SOUND CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW MAZURIN --and eventually stop him. SOUND MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN CAEL [interested] Clever. MAZURIN Really? CAEL Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target. So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like-- AMALAN Garden gnomes? CAEL --like so many topiary. Hmm. Not bad at all. I could even write a song about that. AMALAN Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass. CAEL Shut up. MAZURIN I didn't say anything. CAEL Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse-- AMALAN I am not cursed. CAEL --of a sword. It talks to me. MAZURIN Do you often hear weapons talk? AMALAN [snickers] CAEL No, really. Here-- SOUND UNSHEATHES SWORD CAEL Say something. [beat] [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me. [muttered] Don't make me look bad. [up] When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her. GIGLI Your sword is a girl? Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive? AMALAN Big words from a goblin, bub. CAEL [heavy sigh] See? MUSIC SOUND WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER GIGLI Sleep tight! SOUND DOOR CLOSES CAEL I can't believe you would embarrass me that way! AMALAN Embarrass you? Who called who cursed? CAEL No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed. AMALAN Oh. That's different. CAEL How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now? AMALAN Who cares? He's old. And evil. CAEL He's not that old. AMALAN And evil. CAEL [shrug] That's his job. MUSIC SOUND DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET MAZURIN [roaring] Gigli? GIGLI Gurk! [deep breath, then bright] Yes, master? MAZURIN What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that? GIGLI I -- I didn't-- MAZURIN You called her a lummox! GIGLI She was... playing you, sire! I was only defending your-- MAZURIN What? Playing what? GIGLI Playing games. You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever! You're so smart!" [normal] blech! And you-- MAZURIN [wounded] Of course people listen to me-- GIGLI I don't. MAZURIN [huffy] You're just a familiar. GIGLI [muttered] Don't remind me. [up] Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier. MAZURIN What's wrong with that? GIGLI [sigh] You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord. MAZURIN Oh, I really don't-- GIGLI --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you. MAZURIN [gasp of panic] GIGLI And when will you ever get anything done? MUSIC SOUND PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL AMALAN So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors. So what? CAEL It's dawn. He said dawn. AMALAN Barely. Sit. CAEL Nah. I'm hyped. I'm ready for something really difficult. A good fight. SOUND POOF! MAZURIN The challenge is-- CAEL [eager] Yes? MAZURIN Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know. AMALAN Ri-i-ight. CAEL Not gonna happen. MAZURIN I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--. GIGLI [hissed] Cunning! MAZURIN And cunning. CAEL And? MAZURIN And...? [thinks] and... meanness? CAEL [sigh] And the challenge? MAZURIN Right. You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard. AMALAN [eyeroll] Oh, jeez. CAEL [skeptical] Are you sure? MAZURIN Sure? SOUND SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS MAZURIN Um... yes. That's the first challenge. AMALAN You wanna tell him, or should I? CAEL Ok, here's the deal. I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster. MAZURIN Oh. [whispered] Would that work? SOUND FLIPPING PAGES GIGLI Uh-- Yeah. CAEL Or I could-- MAZURIN [whispered] I can go on to another one. GIGLI [whispered] Nah. You can't switch horses in midstream. CAEL Is everything all right? MAZURIN [up] Just a moment! AMALAN Ka-ching! CAEL What? AMALAN You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard. CAEL I still don't think he's all that evil. AMALAN He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you. CAEL And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops-- MAZURIN All right. We've got this settled. AMALAN He lets his familiar be part of the decision process? CAEL I talk to a sword. [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard? MAZURIN Well. [ahem] Rather than have to restock my pond-- AMALAN Boo-yah! MAZURIN --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning. CAEL What do we do for the rest of the day? MAZURIN [at a loss] uh... well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop? AMALAN Spare me. CAEL That would be fascinating. AMALAN No really, spare me! CAEL While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh. MAZURIN Oh, right. Of course. AMALAN Couldn't you leave me with the blasted goblin? At least he can hold a conversation. CAEL Shut up. MAZURIN What? Oh, right, the sword. Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa? Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night-- CAEL Oh, is that what that was--? MAZURIN --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression. MUSIC CAEL [singing, but a bit shaky] the mighty warrior calms her rage goes into the castle dark and drear wond'ring what sort of wicked mage might be he that liv-ed here and whether she would see another day! SOUND LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE MAZURIN [admiring] You wrote that just last night? CAEL I - I couldn't sleep. It's not finished. MUSIC MAZURIN I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things. Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around? MAZ and CAEL [CHUCKLE] GIGLI [exasperated] On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop? MAZURIN Dine? But it's hardly even dark out-- Oh! Well. CAEL No wonder you keep lighting candles. MAZURIN I didn't even notice, I was so caught up-- GIGLI Din-ner? MAZURIN Of course. Of course. Shall we? CAEL [stretching] I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished. GIGLI And your sword? CAEL don't be silly. Swords don't eat. She's been awfully quiet, though. AMALAN I have been trying to ignore you. You're acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord. CAEL What? AMALAN And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy. He's enchanting you. MAZURIN Something wrong? CAEL No. [thinking] Nothing. MUSIC GIGLI Sleep well. Challenge at dawn. All that. SOUND DOOR SHUTS CAEL Check me for magic. AMALAN Why? CAEL You're the one who said he's enchanting me. AMALAN I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker. CAEL So you don't really suspect a spell? AMALAN I don't see anything out of the ordinary. CAEL Whew. That's a relief. MUSIC SOUND BANGING ON THE DOOR GIGLI Rise and shine! It's dawn. SOUND DOOR OPENS SLOWLY GIGLI Hello? Hmm. SOUND FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM GIGLI Must already be down there... [mischievous] We-e-e-ell. SOUND PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS GIGLI Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies. Lace would ride up something fierce. What's this? SOUND PARCHMENT UNROLLS GIGLI [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she? Blah blah blah. "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!" [tsks, then truly rueful] Boss ain't gonna like this. MUSIC MAZURIN The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway? [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses. CAEL OK. But this one's going to be easy too. AMALAN Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp? MAZURIN Oh? CAEL Course. I've spent my entire life around the royal stables. Horses like me. MAZURIN Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more-- CAEL Nonsense. MAZURIN Nonsense? CAEL Silly! First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep. And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned. Which way? MAZURIN Oh, um, I'll take you there. SOUND FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS CAEL That would be lovely. Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help? MAZURIN I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but-- CAEL Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. MAZURIN But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals-- CAEL Oh, he's not who I was thinking of. MAZURIN What, who, then? CAEL Nuh-uh. Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away. MAZURIN [enjoying the byplay] Shall I guess? CAEL Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you. MAZURIN All right. Yes. You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you. CAEL [laughs] Fine. You wanna help? MAZURIN Me? CAEL I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft... MAZURIN Oh! [laughs himself] Oh, yes! AMALAN [disgusted] Oh, gods. MUSIC GIGLI No, no, no, no, NO! She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part? MAZURIN You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain. What do you think of my beard? GIGLI Your beard? Why? MAZURIN I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing. GIGLI [disgusted] Dashing? MAZURIN Makes me look a bit of a rakehell. Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe? I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.] GIGLI Oh, you moron! [sigh] She's supposed to marry the prince. MAZURIN [hum cuts out with a gasp] wh-wh-whatever do you mean? [Blustering, trying to laugh] What? Ha-ha-ha. [losing momentum, starting to wind down] What did you think I was ... doing? GIGLI I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear. She has to get the prince back and marry him. MAZURIN She has to-- GIGLI Said "Princess Cael" big as life. MAZURIN Oh. MUSIC SOUND CAEL GETTING DRESSED AMALAN Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it. No one likes a smelly Amazon. CAEL Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise? AMALAN Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions? CAEL Um, yes... AMALAN The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes? CAEL [overly casual] Yes. Did I pack it? AMALAN I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?" CAEL Drat. AMALAN How can you stand him? He's so dull! CAEL Dull? What do you mean? AMALAN I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes. Turning locusts to aspic. That was much more boring. CAEL It was not. It's important magic. He's very clever. AMALAN Clever like a fox. No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it. I means he's deliberately being disarming, CAEL Speaking of disarming... SOUND BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND AMALAN What are you doing? CAEL Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you. AMALAN What? CAEL No reason I'd need a sword at dinner. Even with an evil wizard. MUSIC SOUND EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES MAZURIN [heartfelt heavy sigh] TUPIN [mouth full] So where's this princess? She one of those who likes to make an entrance? Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh? Is she hot? GIGLI [muttered] I'd actually forgotten-- SOUND BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS MAZURIN [deeply affected - she looks good] Oh. TUPIN [eating stops, swallow] That her? Man, she's kinda chunky. And old. GIGLI Oh, for a hammer. SOUND [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER MAZURIN [barely able to talk] You look - very nice. Very. TUPIN Aren't you a little underdressed? CAEL I - who? [whispered] Who is that? GIGLI You don't recognize him? CAEL Oh, the prince! Greetings, your highness. So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down. MAZURIN Have a seat, milady? CAEL Thank you so much, kind sir. TUPIN I don't have to stand. I'm royalty. CAEL What? TUPIN That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything. Princes don't have to stand. GIGLI [whispered] Please let me leave, boss. I'm gonna kill him. CAEL I didn't mean anything-- MAZURIN [whispered] Go, then. GIGLI As you command. SOUND QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR TUPIN Well, you sounded very critical. I don't put up with that from anybody. Not even other royalty. MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS AMALAN Who's there? GIGLI Where is it...? SOUND SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH AMALAN Unhand me! GIGLI Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword... Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle] AMALAN Prince Tupin? GIGLI Yeah. What a prize. AMALAN That bad? Is he - of course! He's awake, isn't he? GIGLI Unfortunately. AMALAN Oh, man, and I'm missing it. GIGLI If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar. AMALAN Nah. She's under strict orders. GIGLI Yeah, I know. AMALAN You know.... what? GIGLI Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things. He was really disappointed, you know. AMALAN Disappointed? Your master? Why? GIGLI That your princess will be marrying the prince. AMALAN Big whoop. She has to marry someone. Besides, it's years off. GIGLI Yeah, but he-- Nothing. AMALAN He what? GIGLI It's kind of amazing, really. Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell. And then finding out she's spoken for. AMALAN He's interested in the princess? That's kind of creepy. GIGLI Why? He may be a wizard, but he is a man. AMALAN Perv. GIGLI Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes. You should be more supportive. AMALAN You're a perv too. The princess is only 13! GIGLI [blink blink] She's really tall, then. AMALAN Huh? Have you even seen the princess? GIGLI [halting] Your... lady warrior? AMALAN Oh, heck no. The princess Cael is-- Oh! You thought my boss was the princess? Gads! Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight? GIGLI Oh? Oh! I've got to tell him! SOUND SLAPPY FEET AMALAN Wait! You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up. GIGLI [snorts] He wouldn't know how to begin. Short of turning her to aspic... MUSIC CAEL With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks. MAZURIN [a bit negative] Back? CAEL Yes. MAZURIN [grumpy] Why? CAEL [a bit deflated] To... return the horses? MAZURIN Oh, of course. [lying badly] I may not be here. I have a big trip coming up. But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep... CAEL [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN GIGLI Sire! There has been a grave error! MAZURIN [sharp] What? GIGLI It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince? CAEL He fell asleep. I think he ate too much. GIGLI [chuckles] I'll bet. Good one, sire. MAZURIN What is your news, mannikin? GIGLI Ah, yes. Um, can you come over here, maybe? CAEL I can... leave. GIGLI No! [urging] Master? MAZURIN Just spit it out. GIGLI [whispered] She's not the one. CAEL Not the one what? MAZURIN Not? What? GIGLI Arrying-may the ince-pray. CAEL Your goblin has lost its mind. MAZURIN Not marrying the prince? You're not marrying the prince? CAEL Me? Oh, gods no!! MAZURIN But he saw-- GIGLI Princess Cael is marrying him. CAEL Yeah. She's my cousin. It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday. Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then? MAZURIN Not you? CAEL No. [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him. Besides, he's years younger than me. MAZURIN Then you can marry anyone you want? CAEL Once I successfully complete my quest. That's kind of why I took it. MAZURIN [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind? CAEL [suddenly shy] No. Why? MAZURIN Nothing. Just-- GIGLI This is disgusting. Just kiss her. CAEL But there's a third test--? MAZURIN Oh, yes... GIGLI [eye roll] The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win. Kiss her. MAZURIN [excited] Can we do that? GIGLI The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored. ...And tradition. CAEL We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest. There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back. GIGLI Now there's an idea... MAZURIN Perhaps an escort would be helpful? Hmm? CAEL ...and a cart. Then he could sleep the entire trip! GIGLI Poor princess. CAEL She throws things. I think they're actually well matched. MAZURIN [giddy] Well, perhaps a toast? CAEL And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime. MAZURIN Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip. GIGLI [disgusted moan] END
In classic 1940s Hollywood, aspiring screenwriter Fiona Cross discovers the pitfalls of writing remakes - including, perhaps, romance with an undying legend of the silver screen. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Fiona Cross - E. Vickery Victor Malacard - Cole Hornaday George - Jerry Bennett Margie - Kristina Yuen Andy - Michael Faigenblum Additional Voices - Rhea Lutton, Julie Hoverson, Reynaud LeBoeuf Music: Gabriel Garcea (gagamusic.eu) (also available on Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Cover Photos: (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a movie studio office - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a screenwriter?" _______________________________________________ HOUSEWARMING Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] Fiona Cross, screenwriter George Webber, producer Victor Malacard, actor/director Margie, best friend Mason, butler Andy, a Messenger Instructor voice, on P.A. Landlady OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a film producer's office, can't you tell? SCENE 1 MUSIC SOUND EFFICIENT TYPING, PHONES IN THE BACKGROUND GEORGE The bad news is -it's really very good. FIONA [excited] Wonderful! [waitaminute] That's the bad news? GEORGE Yup. Because we can't use it. SOUND SHEAF OF PAPERS TOSSED ONTO TABLE. FIONA What? But ...but Mr. Webber, you said it was GEORGE Practically brilliant. I'll even read your next one, and I don't say that often. [pauses, thinks] Ever. But, Miss Cross... you should know by now that writing remakes is a complete waste of time. There's all sorts of issues. We don't want to get sued. FIONA But The House on the Peak was made- GEORGE Twenty-odd years ago. It's still dicey. Whoever owns it could sue us, and after that fiasco at Champion pictures last year... We're taking no chances. We're not Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, you know. FIONA If ... what if I could make an arrangement with the owner? Would you still be interested? GEORGE [cagey] Well, I said it was good, but I never actually said I was interested. [beat] Come back when you've got a signature. MUSIC BRIDGE SCENE 2 SOUND TINNY PHONOGRAPH MUSIC INSTRUCTOR [off mike throughout] And lift. One. Two. FIONA [puffing slightly throughout] All that work! MARGIE [puffing slightly throughout] Goodness, Fiona, didn't anyone ever tell you never adapt? INSTRUCTOR ...five and six. Arms up! FIONA I guess I figured the studio would handle all that. MARGIE [teasing] Did you just drop off the turnip truck -Oh, sorry, the porkchop truck. INSTRUCTOR ...seven and eight -keep them up! FIONA [teasing back] You just watch it, we Piggottsville girls are tough! [puffs a bit] Now I just have to get up the nerve. MARGIE [sarcastic] Nerve? YOU? I can't imagine! INSTRUCTOR [off] I hear someone talking! FIONA [whispered] Enough nerve to go and talk to Victor Malacard. MUSIC BRIDGE SCENE 3 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY. WOODSY NOISES FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA OK, Fee. Let's see what you've got. Scene: Heroine walks up to big spooky house. She is nervous. Almost trembling -wait, no scratch that. She is resolved, plucky. Much better. SOUND CREAK OF WOOD, BIRD CALL FIONA [slightly spooked] Or not. Come on, Fee. You can DO this. Plucky heroine, for goodness sake. Pluck up. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA What a scene. Artfully disheveled garden. Overgrown and dried out fountain. Huge mansion in exactly the proper state of dilapidation. [tries to laugh] I should be taking notes. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD STAIRS FIONA [practicing] Mr. Malacard, I am such a big fan of--No, I'm sure he hears THAT all the- SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW DOWN, THEN STOP. FIONA [firm] Mr. Malacard. I have a proposition for--Oh pooh! [ingratiating] Mr. Malacard. How wonderful to finally meet- SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN. FIONA [gasp] MASON [spooky and unwelcoming] May I help you? FIONA [muttered] I bet you get a lot of these roles. MASON Hmm? FIONA Sorry. Nothing. I would like to speak to Mr. Malacard. MASON No. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA What? Aren't you supposed to say something like [aping his voice] "I'm afraid Mr. Malacard... isn't himself today." [normal voice] and give me a chance to argue with you? [pause] Huh? SOUND TWO FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD, THEN SHE SITS ON THE STAIR WITH A CREAK. FIONA [calling over her shoulder] Very well, then. I'm not leaving. I'll just sit here until the spiderwebs grow up over me and I become part of the set! SOUND BIRDS. FIONA [muttered] Or at least until I get up the nerve to walk back to town. [sigh] Well, it's kind of nice here, anyway. Peaceful. [takes a couple of deep breaths] SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL APPROACH VICTOR [coming on mike] Can I help you? FIONA What? Oh! [noises, as she stands] Mr. Mal--Wait. You can't be--I'm confused. VICTOR [chuckles] I look just like him, don't I? I'm Victor Malacard the lesser. Call me Vic. FIONA Fiona Cross. I'm so pleased! I'm a writer, you see, and-15 VICTOR [cold] So sorry. Father doesn't give interviews. FIONA Oh, no -I'm a screenwriter. I wrote a wonderful script- VICTOR [perturbed] He doesn't act any more, either. FIONA Does he let people finish their sentences? VICTOR [chuckling in spite of himself] All right. Just point to me when it's my cue. FIONA [deep breath] I wrote a new version of The House on the Peak, your father's masterpiece, and I would very much like to get it produced- FIONA --because I spent a lot of time on it, and I know he would be flattered if he could only read it, because, well, the original was brilliant, but most people DO like sound nowadays, and this would bring his work back for more people to see, and if I could just get his permission, I have a studio which is VERY interested. VICTOR [pause] My turn? Then... all right. FIONA All right then, what? VICTOR Let me read it. I'll see if it's all you say it is. FIONA But your father- VICTOR Is old and very ill -one reason I cannot let anyone into the house. I have all the authority necessary. I assume you brought your script? FIONA Oh, yes! SOUND SNAPS OPEN SHOULDERBAG, PULLS OUT SHEAF OF PAPERS. FIONA Really, I'm a much better writer than I must sound like, from the way I talk. I just get really- SOUND A COUPLE OF PAGES FLIP VICTOR Come back in a couple of days. Saturday. FIONA Oh, no! I've heard that one before. It's not so late, I'll wait while you read it. [BEAT] Besides, I need to borrow your phone to call a cab. VICTOR [cold] I'm afraid you're doomed to disappointment on many levels, Miss Cross. I refuse to read on demand, and you cannot come in. FIONA But it's miles to the nearest- VICTOR You'd better start walking. I will see you on Saturday. MUSIC TIME PASSES SCENE 4 SOUND DOOR OPENS. CRACKLE OF WAXED PAPER. VICTOR [warning] I am not going to--[surprised] What is that? FIONA Lunch. You're not going to what? VICTOR You brought - FIONA If there's one thing that Hollywood taught me, it's come prepared for a siege. You're lucky I didn't have time to make pastrami and onion sandwiches, though they work a whole lot better in an office. VICTOR Work... better? FIONA Nothing like the chance you might stink up someone's office to motivate them to give you five minutes. VICTOR [chuckles] FIONA Want some? VICTOR What? Oh, no -I've eaten. FIONA [snort] Hospital food, I bet -all bland and toothless. It's always like that when someone in the house is sick. VICTOR No, [sighs, then, resigned] no -if there's one thing Mason makes certain of, it's that the food is good. FIONA That your butler? Or is he some kind of nurse? VICTOR Some kind... um, something. FIONA [bright, teasing] So, did you read it yet? VICTOR There's hardly been time- FIONA [Sweetly] Then why waste it talking to me? VICTOR [sad] It's not something I get to do very often. Talking. To someone. FIONA Read the script, and I promise I'll come back and talk up a storm. SOUND DISTANT THUNDER VICTOR [sigh, pause] Speaking of storms, it looks like rain. If you need to walk back to town, you'd best get started. FIONA I'm a farm girl. We're built tough. And reasonably waterproof. VICTOR [chuckle ruefully] SOUND DOOR SHUTS. MUSIC TIME PASSES SCENE 5 SOUND CRICKETS, NIGHT SOUNDS, RAIN [a beat] DOOR OPENS VICTOR Tsk. Do you know what time it is? FIONA Judging from the position of the stars, what little I can see of them -my watch says about 9. VICTOR [a beat, then] I read it. FIONA [gasps, then tight] And? VICTOR It's brilliant. FIONA Really? VICTOR Here's your release. My lawyer can validate it in the morning. FIONA Oh! I could kiss you [SHE DOES] VICTOR [shaken] I... Miss Cross...! FIONA Fiona. You know, you really do look like your father. You're lucky. He was really something, back in the day. It's those eyes. VICTOR Yes, I... [with emphasis] He... SOUND CAR APPROACHES, STOPS. VICTOR What? Who the devil--? FIONA My cab. I arranged for it to pick me up at 9. Siege or not, I'm not sleeping on anyone's doorstep but my own. Thanks again! SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA [off] ...and if you're ever in town...! VICTOR [yelling slightly] Of course...! SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS SOUND HOUSE DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN. VICTOR [sadly to self] ...not. SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS ACROSS THE PORCH. MUSIC SCENE 6 SOUND TENNIS, CROWD, IN BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT. MARGIE So, they loved it. Did you write yourself a part? FIONA What? MARGIE Oh, come on-don't tell me you only aspire to be the pen and not the face? FIONA I just enjoy writing. I'm in complete control of the world. Everyone in my story has to listen to me and do what I say. MARGIE But acting is where the fame is. FIONA Who wants fame? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 33, Court 1 is open. MARGIE Are we getting close? SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER FIONA Should be next. MARGIE So you're in it for the money? FIONA No... I guess... I'm in it to ... to see it happen. MARGIE [pause] Are you explaining or should I order another drink? FIONA I want to see things from my imagination up there on the screen. I want to create something that people will remember. MARGIE And you don't want to be famous or rich? You're nuts. FIONA Rich would be OK, but famous just means you never get away. That must be why Mr. Malacard lives out in the country -to get away from the craziness. MARGIE Craziness? In Hollywood? Perish the thought! [pause] So, can I have your part? FIONA [laughs] There aren't really any good female roles in the House on the Peak. MARGIE Will I sound hopelessly undereducated if I admit I've never actually seen this fabulous item? FIONA You never--? Where did you grow up, a cave? I mean even in Piggottsville, it showed for three whole nights -and then each year near Halloween. I think the theater proprietress musta had a thing for Malacard. MARGIE Spare me the down home gossip and tell me about this masterpiece. FIONA Well, it's sort of modeled on this story by Edgar Allen Poe- MARGIE Didja have to get permission from him, too? FIONA Shush. He's been dead for -I dunno, a century? Besides, it's not really the same idea, just the tone. See, there's this guy who goes home after his father's death, to see his twin brother who he hasn't seen in years- MARGIE Which one was your mysterious actor? FIONA Oh, Victor Malacard played both brothers. It was groundbreaking at the time -using cutaways and doubles- MARGIE Is this important? FIONA [chuckles] I guess not. But the brother who'd been away was a man of the world, very caught up in business, and the one who stayed was a strange lonely man who talked to himself- MARGIE [sarcastic] In a silent film, no less. FIONA [agreeing] Malacard was a genius. They've got their eye on this new fellow -he was in that film, "Laura"- MARGIE Stick to the point! FIONA Tsk. So it turns out the house is alive, and must have a family member in residence or it will die. But the one who stayed would live forever, barring falling out of a window, which is what'd happened to their father. MARGIE Foul play? FIONA You got it -turns out one of the sons had killed dear old dad to take his place as head of the family, and live forever. MARGIE Was it the creepy one? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 34, court 3 is open. SOUND GLASS PUT DOWN, BAGS SNATCHED UP FIONA I'll tell you whodunnit... but only if you beat me. MUSIC SCENE 7 SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS. FEET ON GRAVEL. FEET SLOW DOWN. FIONA Oh. Hullo! SOUND CAB DRIVES AWAY VICTOR I heard you coming. FIONA Oh, and here I thought old Igor your butler was a warlock or something. VICTOR Mason is a lot of things, but--[pause] What's that? More scripts? FIONA No, silly. It's a picnic. VICTOR A what--? FIONA Pic. Nic. Food to eat outside so as not to bother those inside whom shall not be named. VICTOR But, you- FIONA I promised I would talk up a storm, didn't I? If Hollywood taught me one thing, it's to keep my promises. VICTOR Well. [bemused, but pleased] Very well, then. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. DOOR OPENS [OFF]. MASON [off] Sir? VICTOR [calling] Don't worry, I'll stay where you can see me. MASON [off] Very good, sir. FIONA Wow, he sure keeps you on a short leash. VICTOR [deep with meaning] So true. FIONA Well, this looks good -and see, there's a window right there where your keeper can peep out and make sure nothing improper happens. SOUND BLANKET SPREAD, THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF PICNIC BASKET VICTOR [deep sigh] FIONA [sincere] I do understand. My gramma raised me -she was from the old country, very wild Irish, and hospitals would never, never do. So when she took ill at the end, I had to look after her. And the farm. Just the two of us, right up til she passed. VICTOR So being tired of the sticks, you came right out to Hollywood, no training wheels or anything? FIONA Oh, I figure I'll go back someday -not to the farm, but to the country. Being down here -well, down there -is tough -there are so many people everywhere. VICTOR Better than being lonely- FIONA You can be lonely in a crowd just as easy as on a farm, and it's much noisier. The crowd, I mean. VICTOR More material for your writing. FIONA I don't agree. I figure growing up pretty much alone is why I have such a good imagination. Keeping myself occupied, making up folks to talk to. VICTOR [moving in romantically] And you enjoyed my --my father's film so much that you decided to put words to it? FIONA [slightly breathless] I... I didn't so much write them as sort of translate what he already said. VICTOR [deep and husky] And very well too. FIONA [gasp, deeply important] Before this goes any further, I have to say something. VICTOR [snapping out of it] I--we--of course, we shouldn't- FIONA Since the studio is picking up the cost of lunch, we have to talk business. I hope you don't mind. VICTOR [vastly relieved, deep breath] Of course. Mm, that smells good. No pastrami and onions? FIONA [laughing] No. [serious] See, the studio wants to know if we can add a girl -a romance -to the story. Seems everything just has to have a love interest these days. VICTOR [sharp] A what? FIONA And a happy ending. They don't want- VICTOR No! Under no circumstances! They're not going to ruin my--[through gritted teeth] my... father's vision -with sentimental claptrap. FIONA [teasing] Really? Sentimental claptrap is all the rage nowadays. [change of tone, satisfied] Good. That's what I thought, but they won't listen to me. Business over. VICTOR But you- FIONA Oh, don't get me wrong, I like romance as much as the next girl, but it would weaken the drama. Try a taste of this. VICTOR Um, yes. [takes a bite] That's -mmm, that's delicious. The drama, you say? Have you been writing for very long? FIONA This is my first script. That I've completed, anyway. I've got lots of ideas, but this one just sort of made me finish it. It's a bit of an obsession, I guess. VICTOR You should write more. It was very good. [pause, then throaty] Maybe... romance... next time. FIONA [oblivious] Maybe. I guess it's easier to write what you know, though. VICTOR [still making his move] Really? No romance on the horizon, no beau back home on the farm? FIONA [reacting, almost breathless] No -no one. I've ... never... not really, anyway... Oh. [long indrawn breath, then a teasing whisper] Your butler's watching us. VICTOR [breaks away] Blast! I can't even--! [muttered growl] Look at him. [heavy sigh, then businesslike] This has been very pleasant, Miss Cross, but I must go- SOUND GETS UP, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, MOVING QUICKLY FIONA Hmph? SOUND BITING A CARROT MUSIC SCENE 8 SOUND BUSY LUNCH COUNTER MARGIE So do you make a habit of scaring off men? FIONA Well -there was this boy back at Jefferson junior high ... No, I'm teasing. I've never had much of a chance to try -guess I'm just a natural. MARGIE And he was circling in for the kill, ready to land a knockout, when- FIONA The ref appeared and he threw in the towel. You don't usually think of grown men as needing a chaperone. MARGIE Maybe he's old fashioned and is trying to look out for your reputation or something. FIONA Old fashioned I would buy. He's got this courtly way about him...just like his father, at least the way he was on the screen. This sort of graceful way of moving that expresses so much. MARGIE And what was he expressing just before the bell rang to call the match? FIONA Well... [blushing] He wasn't afraid -I can say that for sure. MUSIC SCENE 9 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL VICTOR You found your way back? FIONA The picnic was to thank you. Now I'm buttering you up in case I want to remake another one of your father's films. VICTOR So what's in the bag this time? Dare I guess? FIONA No, silly. It's a surprise. I figure, not leaving the house much, you don't get to have a lot of fun. VICTOR My... father- FIONA Exactly. So, I figured I'd bring the some to you. VICTOR Fun? FIONA I remembered you had a swimming pool. VICTOR Pool? But--But there's no water- FIONA And swimsuits don't clank. SOUND CLANK OF SOMETHING METAL IN BAG VICTOR Then, what--? FIONA We-e-ell, can we go look at the pool? VICTOR Uh--yes? SOUND FEET ON GRASS FIONA I hope you don't mind my coming up here like this. I'm just so exuberant. Or is that the right word? VICTOR Well, you sound exuberant to me. FIONA Aha, the pool. Oh, good, it's nice and clean. VICTOR Mason sees to the grounds as well as the house. FIONA So, here. SOUND CLANK AS BAG IS SET DOWN, UNTYING OF KNOT VICTOR I--I'm intrigued. What do you have there? FIONA Keep in mind, I'm kind of unsophisticated, here. Another girl might have brought champagne or something. I hope this isn't too disappointing. SOUND METAL CLANK VICTOR I can't even tell what those are -I see metals and wheels, and- FIONA Silly, it's roller skates! MUSIC SCENE 10 MARGIE Roller skates? You had a chance to romance a bigwig, and you took him roller skates? FIONA The pool was perfect -I couldn't resist. MARGIE And the two of you rolled around the bottom of the pool like children? FIONA More or less. Well, mostly me. He was a bit too dignified to give it a fair shake. MARGIE But you didn't roll around like grownups? FIONA What? MARGIE Nothing. MUSIC SCENE 11 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL FIONA Hello? [beat, then chuckles] Maybe he didn't see me coming, for once? SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN LEAVES FIONA Hello? How tragic. A perfectly good cab ride wasted. [worried] Maybe his father's not doing well. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON Miss? FIONA Oh, gosh -sorry! I guess I kind of expected Vic to be around somewhere. He usually is. MASON He's busy. Inside. [ominous] Would you like to come in? FIONA Oh, Vic said it's- MASON It's no problem. Really. FIONA Sure. Thanks a lot. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL FIONA I can always, go, you know. I don't want to be a bother. MASON No bother. You're quite welcome here. SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW A BIT ON THE WOODEN STAIRS FIONA It'll be interesting to see inside. VICTOR [distant] Fiona? Is that you? SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH VICTOR [angry, worried] What's going on? Mason? [beat] Fiona? FIONA Just looking for you. Mason said you might be inside. VICTOR [angry hiss] Inside? Get out of here, Fiona. Just go. We'll be talking about this, Mason. SOUND FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS INTO GRAVEL FIONA [puzzled] Victor? VICTOR [whispered] I don't want you going in and... catching anything. Understand? FIONA All right. Um, sorry? VICTOR [cold] Goodbye. [up] Mason! MUSIC SCENE 12 GEORGE [very serious] Thank you for coming in, Miss Cross. We have a bit of a problem. FIONA You couldn't get that actor, Price? GEORGE More serious than that. [heavy pause] Mr. Malacard. FIONA What happened? Is Vic's dad OK? GEORGE Sorry, I meant the son. He rang up yesterday and said, well... said you've been pestering him. FIONA [shocked] ...pestering? GEORGE Yes. He said he'll pull the permission for the film if you bother him again. FIONA [nearly in tears] B-but... I--He never said- GEORGE [fatherly] Just lay off, at least until the film is finished. Once it's in distribution, you can pester him all you want. FIONA Oh! [sobbing] SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR BANGS OPEN. MUSIC SCENE 13 SOUND COCKTAIL LOUNGE, MANY ROWDY PEOPLE IN BACKGROUND FIONA [very down] Pestering. That's what he said. Apparently. Vic couldn't even tell me to my face, [breaking down into tears] he had to send it through- MARGIE There, there. [calls] Waiter! Bring another one. [half whispered] A double. FIONA No. I really shouldn't. [moping again] I guess I deserve it -he didn't say I could come back, but... The picnic was NICE. Everything was nice. He was nice. Real nice. I thought. MARGIE They all seem nice -say, you didn't let him ... have his wicked way with you, didja? FIONA What? No! [melting] I mean, he almost kissed me at the picnic, but the butler was watching. MARGIE That's it, then. The butler did it. Probably threatened to quit or something. Good help is a lot harder to find in this town than pretty girls. [lecturing] Most servants are just actors waiting to be discovered -they're just not very good, or they'd be able to act like servants. FIONA [almost a laugh] Hmph. MARGIE That's better. What you need is a night at a dance hall -meet some nice guys, wear yourself out, then you can sleep. I promise, all you'll be worrying about in the morning is your bunions. MUSIC SCENE 14 SOUND PERSISTENT CITY NIGHT NOISES. SOUND PHONE RINGS, OFF [PAUSE] THEN POUNDING ON A DOOR FIONA [waking] Yes? Mm-what? LANDLADY [very annoyed] Phone for you. MUSIC SCENE 15 SOUND CAB PULLS UP, DOOR SLAMS, RUNNING FEET ON GRAVEL FIONA [panting] SOUND FEET RUN UP WOOD STAIRS, POUNDING ON DOOR FIONA Hello? Hello? SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN MASON [very calm] Oh, good. Come in. FIONA Mason? What happened? You said it was an emergency? SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE UNDER MASON This way, miss. FIONA [getting more panicky] But, is Vic hurt? Did his father...? What could he --what could he want me here for? MASON Through here. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON The master will be right in, Miss. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA [gasp, then yelling] You could at least turn on a light! [to herself] Which master? Maybe I'll finally- SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON [off] Just through here, sir. SOUND RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS MASON [off, condescending] I think this will help with your --mood, sir. VICTOR [coming on] I can't think of anything worth getting me up in the middle of the--Fiona? [truly upset] MASON [off, condescending] Now everything will be better. FIONA Oh, Vic, I shouldn't have come. I'm so sorry! Please don't- VICTOR Oh, no! No! FIONA But Mason called me. He said- VICTOR Mason! That filthy--!! SOUND DOOR SLAM CUTS HIM OFF FIONA What is it? VICTOR We must get you out of here! SOUND RUNNING FEET, POUNDING ON WINDOWS, TRYING TO GET THEM TO OPEN FIONA I don't understand, Vic? VICTOR Blast it Fiona, help me. FIONA No. I want to know what's going on. VICTOR Is this one of those things Hollywood taught you? Take a bad situation and make it worse? FIONA No. Oh, here [grunt as she helps try and push] I wasn't going to ... to not help. I'm just confused. VICTOR [grunt, then angry noise] No use, they're sealed. FIONA They are glass. There must be a chair or something- VICTOR It's never that easy -trust me. This way. Come on. SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLAM AGAINST CLOSED DOOR BOTH are getting BREATHLESS FIONA Locked! VICTOR Maybe down here! SOUND MORE RUNNING FOOTSTEPS FIONA Don't you know your own house? VICTOR [harsh laugh] Don't slow down. SOUND RUNNING, SCRAMBLE, RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR FIONA Victor, wait! VICTOR No! I will NOT let him get you! SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR, BUT SLOWER VICTOR [sobs] I won't let IT! FIONA Victor. Breathe, Victor! VICTOR I'm so sorry, Fiona. I don't understand why it brought you here. FIONA It? Oh! [dawning] Um, I guess everyone agreed the story needed a bit of romance. VICTOR What? FIONA Your house. It's just like the film -or close to it -isn't it? VICTOR How could you think--How could you know? FIONA I told you I have a good imagination. VICTOR But you- FIONA And you're the one and only Victor Malacard. VICTOR You're mad! I would have to be- FIONA Almost 60. I looked it up. And you don't look a day over 35. Coincidentally, the age you were when you went into seclusion. You look like him, move like him -even the way your lips move when you talk -not even father and son can be THAT much alike. VICTOR It's... the house. FIONA And Mason? VICTOR Mason's not a... person. Just part of it. The house. He... speaks for it. FIONA And watches over you. VICTOR Keeps me prisoner, you mean. [sadly] And now, you too. Fiona, I am so dreadfully- FIONA Shh. [calling] Mason? I want to talk to you -whatever you are. MASON [deep, on filter] Yes miss? VICTOR [yelling] You let her go, you wretch! FIONA Shh. Victor. It'll be fine. VICTOR No...! FIONA Yes. [SOUND -brief kiss] If there's one thing I learned in Hollywood, it's there's always room for negotiation. [calling, sweetly] Mason? MUSIC, fades into- SCENE 15 MUSIC 1960S BUBBLEGUM POP ON A TINNY RADIO, DISTANT, WITH BIRDS AND OUTDOOR NOISES. SOUND MOTORCYCLE APPROACHES, STOPS FIONA [coming on] Ah! Over here, Bobby! Oh! I was expecting- ANDY Sorry! I'm Andy -Bobby retired. FIONA [chuckles] It's so hard to keep track. Well, then, Andy. Do you have my packages? SOUND LOADING UP WITH PACKAGES AS HE SPEAKS ANDY Yup, packages from Woolworth's and Mays, a big bundle of magazines, and here's one from the studio -a film canister -gee do you have your own theater? That's way out there, man, I mean ma'am. FIONA [chuckles] Just leave everything on the porch. The butler will see that it all gets inside in one piece. And here's my latest screenplay -hardly a fair trade, but an easier trip, eh? Get it to George -no, wait... I mean Harold, don't I? Harold Mills is in production these days, right? SOUND SCRIPT CHANGES HANDS ANDY Umm... [working up to say something] So you're Fiona Cross Malacard? The one who wrote Trapped by Love? That was a groovy flick, even if it is kind of ancient. FIONA Well, thank you, Andy. [chuckles] I guess. ANDY But you don't look--I mean, you're really much--oh, criminee. I mean to say- FIONA You're trying not to say I must be older than I look? ANDY Uh-huh. FIONA I'll take the compliment. I put it down to clean country air, good healthy food... VICTOR [way off] Fiona? Was that the deliveries? FIONA ...and a wonderful husband. ANDY Having servants don't hurt neither, eh? FIONA [ironic] No -no, it don't. MUSIC TO END
[mature language and violence] Roy Chambers, self-proclaimed "artist of junk" becomes suspicious about the intricate work of another sculptor. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Roy Chambers - J.D. Lloyd Gwynneth Robinson Molly Tollefson Vivienne - Rhys TM Robert - Mr. Synyster Arturo - Philemon Vanderbeck Solange - Angela Kirby Penelope Cartwright - Kris Keppeler Hank Norton - Powers Chamber 19 Nocturne Theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) All other music by Professor Kliq (Creative Commons License) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an art gallery - can't you just smell the culture?" _________________________________________________________ FOR ART'S SAKE Cast: Announcer Cabbie Olivia Roy Chambers, artist of junk Gwynneth Robinson, gallery owner Robert [ro-BEAR], art critic Vivienne, art critic Arturo, sculptor Solange, a supermodel Hank Norton, grieving brother Penelope Cartwright, psychic Gordie, aspiring young critic OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an art gallery. Can't you just smell the culture? SCENE 1 MUSIC - PRETENTIOUS GRUNGE/INDUSTRIAL, BUT LOW. AMBIANCE LOW CROWD MUMBLE ROBERT and VIVIENNE sound bored and disinterested - very, very jaded intellectual. They are sort of fencing with each other. ROBERT It's so innovative, it's almost retro. VIVIENNE Jejune, yet piquant. ROBERT The raw power of the chain link simply draws the eye. VIVIENNE The underlying metaphor behind the cracked concrete base is very telling. ROBERT Trash cans have been overused this season. VIVIENNE Which is precisely what this piece is trying to say. It is a commentary on the current state of the art world. ROY That it's all garbage? ROBERT [snort of derision] Garbage? Perhaps to the petty and feeble mind, incapable of looking beyond the component parts-- VIVIENNE --this one would look at a forest and see trees. [ROBERT AND VIVIENNE chuckle.] ROY Oh, I understand this piece just fine. ROBERT Do you? Do you really? VIVIENNE What, then, is this putty-like brown graffitti in its indecipherable scrawl? ROBERT And that smell - it's almost visceral. ROY It's crap. ROBERT You'd best keep your voice down, dear fellow. The artist is a good friend of dear Gwynneth, our host tonight, and I hear he's actually graced us with his presence. ROY No- no. It's actually feces. The graffitti. I'm Roy Chambers. The artist? VIVIENNE F-feces? Excrement? ROY Yup. VIVIENNE B-but... doesn't it ... lose pungency after a time? ROY Of course. I freshen it up every couple of days. I hope you don't mind if I don't shake hands. A BEAT OF SHOCKED SILENCE, THEN ROBERT Well, that does put a new [trailing off] face ...on ...it. VIVIENNE Oh, look, they've opened the champagne. SOUND HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY ROY [chuckles] GWYNNETH [sigh] Darling, you'll never sell anything if you keep telling people your work is shit. ROY [laughs harder] You know that's not the point. I just love seeing the look in their eyes. GWYNNETH Well, you may have the luxury of not needing to make your way as an artist, but I still need-- ROY I can always-- GWYNNETH [indignant] Write me a check? Not on your life, handsome. If I can't make it, I'll fail on my own two feet. [softening] But you can buy me dinner. Again. ROY [chuckling] I wasn't going to suggest charity - but since I seem to be the one losing you sales on my pieces, you could let me pay rent for the space-- GWYNNETH I don't understand why you're so down on your art. [serious] It's good Roy. It's powerful. I wouldn't have it in my gallery otherwise... [rowr] no matter how terrific you are in bed. ROY It makes me uncomfortable, like I'm ... exposing myself. GWYNNETH That's what makes it so strong-- SCENE 2 SOUND A COMMOTION IN THE BACKGROUND - SOMEONE YELLING - GETS LOUDER AS GWYNNETH AND ROY APPROACH GWYNNETH [muttering as she hustles] Oh, goodness, it's not the man enclosed in legos with his winkie hanging out again, is it? ROY [right behind her] Maybe a critic's seeing eye dog got at the sculpture in baloney. GWYNNETH Poor dog - that meat's been here a week. ROY Either one. SOUND COMMOTION HAS ENDED - JUST HEAVY BREATHING FROM A COUPLE OF GUYS GWYNNETH [authoritative] What is going on? ARTURO This ...person... was ...molesting... my statue. ROY [muttered] Is it the baloney? GWYNNETH [muttered] No. ROY [muttered] The winkie? GWYNNETH [muttered] Shh. ARTURO I demand charges be filed. HANK I was only-- ARTURO No one cares what you were trying to do, you philistine! GWYNNETH Arturo. ARTURO Luddite! Peon! GWYNNETH Arturo! Please, calm down. I promise I shall handle this personally. ARTURO [going off] Just make sure he keeps his filthy hands off my beautiful marbles. ROY [muttered] Maybe his marbles should meet lego man's winkie. GWYNNETH [trying not to laugh] Ahem. Now, sir, I'm Miss Robinson - and this is my gallery. And you are? HANK [subdued, apologetic, aw shucks] Hank - Henry, that is - Norton. GWYNNETH What were you doing, then? HANK The statue - it looks like Lizzie - Elizabeth - my sister. Just like her. ROY That not what she asked. HANK Well, I was thinking it might be like that old movie where the guy kills people, puts them in plaster and gets famous for his art... Lizzie's missing, ever since she wrote and said she had a job modeling for this guy. So I wanted to... check and see... GWYNNETH [gentle] I don't know the movie, Hank, but I'm pretty sure you can't put someone in marble the way you might with plaster. It simply doesn't work that way. HANK No? GWYNNETH No. ROY Hank, let's get us a glass of that champagne. GWYNNETH [stage whisper] Thank you! SOUND QUICK KISS SCENE 3 MUSIC A LITTLE TIME PASSES SOUND EXCITED COMMOTION, CAMERAS GWYNNETH Oh, god, what is it this time? ROBERT [in awe] It's Solange. She's here! VIVIENNE [going off] If I were only into women... ROBERT [going off] Me too... GWYNNETH [sigh, then clearly trying to convince herself] It's good. Publicity. I like supermodels. ROY [coming on] Who--? GWYNNETH Solange is the latest sensation. So bloody skinny. ROY Better keep her away from the baloney. GWYNNETH [slightly venomous] It would do her good. ROY I didn't mean her - just the dog. SOUND FOOTSTEPS AND JINGLE OF DOG HARNESS APPROACH GWYNNETH Solange, I am honored. SOLANGE [strange accent] Ah? Sorree, and you are? GWYNNETH I'm Gwynneth Robinson. This is my gallery. We are truly-- SOLANGE Where ees Arturo? GWYNNETH Right over there. SOLANGE Take mee to heem, pleez. SOUND JINGLE OF DOG'S HARNESS, SCRABBLE OF CLAWS ON FLOOR. GWYNNETH My pleasure. My arm is just to your right. Would you like something to drink? [fading out] Perhaps some water for your service animal? ROY Is that the latest thing - blind models? VIVIENNE 'Differently abled' darling. You could get sued -- ROBERT Or at least censured. VIVIENNE --for use of non-PC language. ROBERT Besides, with a body like that, who cares if she can see? And the dark glasses are her trademark - she's never seen without them. ROY Hmm. You two seem like just the type I need. VIVIENNE I don't do threesomes. ROBERT I do. ROY No, no - not like that, but [buttering up] you really seem to be in the know... VIVIENNE Of course. ROBERT Pity. ROY This Arturo guy - what can you tell me about him? VIVIENNE Quid pro quo, dear friend - tell us about you first. ROY Well... It's brownie mix - the brown stuff. ROBERT Re-e-e-eally...? SCENE 4 MUSIC SOUND CLUNK OF OVERHEAD LIGHTS GOING OFF GWYNNETH [coming on, low and sultry] So. The lights are off. The crowd is gone. And the door is locked against the night. You know what that means? ROY Hmm? GWYNNETH Come on, love. I need some serious stress relief. ROY In a moment. GWYNNETH What is so fascinating about these things? First that poor little man - now you? ROY Have you really looked at them? GWYNNETH Dearest, I don't really look at anything that goes in here, beyond deciding if I think it will sell. That way lies sheer madness. ROY How did legoman get in? GWYNNETH Oh, that. [sigh] I'm still not certain about that one. ROY Anyway, these statues - I don't know anything about marble sculpting, but I would assume it's not the easiest thing in the world, even with modern technology. GWYNNETH I suppose. ROY Look at the detail here. The clothes, hair - rivets in the jeans, even. Everything is exact. Perfect. GWYNNETH So he's anal. Surely you're not thinking that Arturo whats-his-name has somehow immured people in marble. ROY Nah. But I can see Hank's point. His sister's statue looks - almost alive. And she's not happy about it. MUSIC SCENE 5 AMBIANCE RESTAURANT GWYNNETH Where were you? I really could have used you at the gallery tonight. ROY Why? What happened? GWYNNETH I asked you first. ROY [sigh] I-I was trying to find that artist - the one with the statues. GWYNNETH And--? ROY He's harder to track down than ... than me. GWYNNETH [laughs] Perhaps he's another eccentric with more money than sense. ROY Hey--! I thought that was part of my charm. GWYNNETH No. I love you. But I don't make any claim to understand you. You don't even like your own art. ROY [slightly uncomfortable] It just comes out that way. SOUND A MOMENT OF EATING GWYNNETH [unpleasantly surprised] Oh god! Don't look. It's her. Just act normal. ROY What? Who am I not looking at? GWYNNETH The commotion. I mean the woman who caused the- PENELOPE [off] Hello! ROY I think she's seen you. GWYNNETH Oh, god. ROY Is there anything I should know before she gets here? GWYNNETH I'm going to be a coward and duck out for the loo. ROY About her, I mean. [beat] You've got a moment, the maitre d' has her in a headlock. GWYNNETH [laugh] She claims to be a psychic and made a fuss over Arturo's marbles. God, I'm seriously regretting ever taking them on. ROY Why did you? I mean, looking at his stuff, he could be showcased in the biggest gallery in town, and- [trails off uncertainly] GWYNNETH Rather than a piddling little upstart like mine? Oh, hell- See you! SOUND GETS UP FROM CHAIR, DASHES AWAY ROY Chicken. PENELOPE [slightly off] Miss Robinson! SOUND CHAIR SCRAPES ROY She'll be right back. PENELOPE [coming on] Oh. I'm so sorry - I didn't mean to interrupt - are you - you're her beau, aren't you? ROY I'm her boyfriend, yeah. SOUND CHAIR SCRAPES, SHE SITS DOWN PENELOPE I could tell the moment I really looked at you. ROY [giving her nothing] Ah. Well. PENELOPE Oh, I'm so sorry. She probably mentioned me, I'm Penelope Cartwright. [confidential] I'm a certified psychic. ROY Oh. Well. PENELOPE Oh-ho! I can tell you're a disbeliever, Mr. -? ROY Don't you know? You're the psychic. PENELOPE [laughs] It's not like that, handsome. Well, sometimes it is. Let me see, let me see. Hmm. I'm feeling the letter T. Can I see your hands? ROY [over-eager] T? As in Thomas? PENELOPE [pleased] Aha! Your palm? There. You work with your hands, are you in construction? ROY [noncommital] Mm. PENELOPE But there's something else - your money line is a bit baffling. Very strong - not what I usually see in someone doing manual work. And something about cats... [Surprised as he snatches his hand away] What?? ROY Look, Miss Cartwright. You've been right about one thing - and only one thing - I'm a skeptic. PENELOPE But, I-- ROY But, nothing. I think you'd better go before I feel like embarrassing you in front of Miss Robinson. PENELOPE Please-- ROY Go. PENELOPE [beat] Very well. [intense] But you need to hear this-- [before he can speak] No! I have to say it, and if you won't let me wait to tell her, then you have to hear it. ROY Fine. Whatever. Quickly. PENELOPE The statues - there's something very wrong with them - worse even than that painful installation near the front door with the brown stuff- I just walked past, and they shouted to me - screamed for help - as if they were alive! ROY Right. PENELOPE You don't have to believe, but you must hear me. I felt such evil in the presence of those poor dear things. ROY [very sarcastic] They're... evil statues? PENELOPE Oh, no. They're evil's victims. SCENE 6 MUSIC AMBIANCE STREET GWYNNETH I can't believe she would do that! You're such a saint to put up with everything. ROY Saint? No. Just amused by people. Probably why I like the gallery scene - art folk are hilarious. GWYNNETH Like Vivienne and Robert? ROY Who? GWYNNETH You were talking to them at the gallery last week - after that young man made the fuss over the statues. ROY Oh. Bert and Ernie. GWYNNETH Vivienne IS a female. I've known her for years. ROY The way they dress, who could tell? And who would care? GWYNNETH Dare I ask what 'the statue whisperer' had to say? ROY She said they were crying out for help, blah blah blah. GWYNNETH Oh, good, now we have two loonies who believe the statues are somehow alive. ROY Oh, and she apparently hates my work too. GWYNNETH [joking] Well. Then she must be normal. MUSIC SCENE 7 SOUND HEAVY DOOR OPENING ROY [echoey] Hello? SOUND ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, SECOND HEAVY DOOR OPENING ROY Hello? I know you're in here. ARTURO [distant sigh, then, off] Come on, then - to the left. SOUND HESITANT ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, ANOTHER HEAVY DOOR ROY Isn't it a bit dark in here for a studio? ARTURO [still distant] You want light? SOUND LOUD RUSTLE OF CANVAS, as a heavy curtain swoops to the side. ROY [reacts to sudden brightness] Jeez! Good thing I'm not a vampire. ARTURO [close] You come to steal my secrets? ROY [jumps, then laughs] Not my style. I sculpt from garbage. ARTURO [disdainful] Yes. I have noticed. So why? ROY You interest me. ARTURO I thought you were sleeping with our blonde gallery owner. ROY Um, and you're seeing the supermodel. So? ARTURO Not that kind of interest? ROY [reacts, then] Not very sociable, eh? ARTURO Hmm. Perhaps that is why my place here is unlisted and no one visits me. You have explained a lot. Feel free to leave. ROY [beat] I don't see any materials - working on anything? ARTURO I am planning. I don't sculpt here. It is much too noisy. ROY The sculpting? ARTURO The city. [beat] And the work. ROY Your work is very detailed. Do you model from life or photos? ARTURO [a bit odd] From life. ROY How do you find your models? ARTURO Anyone can be a model. [a bit threatening] Perhaps I should ... immortalize ... you? ROY I'm not that cute. ARTURO [uncomfortably close] You don't see yourself clearly. You're a perfect type - strong, but not silent. Yet-- SOUND CELLPHONE RINGS ROY That's me. Sorry. SOUND CELLPHONE ON ROY 'lo? Yeah, I'm there now. No, won't be long. SOUND CELLPHONE HANGS UP, TURNS OFF ROY Sorry about that. ARTURO [backed off] Of course. You are interested in my work - My next major project is a woman. That is all you will know. Now leave me. SCENE 8 MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, COMPUTER NOISES ROY I've been doing some googling-- GWYNNETH [slightly off] You don't even look up. I could be anyone. A serial killer? ROY Reflection in the screen. GWYNNETH [close up] Oh, well, then. [hug and kiss noise] So what have you been googling? ROY Turning people to stone. GWYNNETH [sigh] Oh god, not Arturo again? ROY He creeped me out. I'm not sure if he was about to kiss me or stab me. And when he said his next project was a woman - all I could think about was that poor blind girl. GWYNNETH Yes. [mock sympathy] Poor little skinny bitch blind supermodel. ROY Right. So, disregarding the E-L-O song, there are myths all over the place about people being turned to stone. Gorgons, Basilisks-- GWYNNETH Medusa-- ROY --yeah, gorgons-- GWYNNETH What? ROY Medusa's a gorgon. Like Dracula's a vampire. GWYNNETH Fine, so I slept through my classical education. What have you come up with, then? ROY Disregarding the mythological crap, then, there are a number of fictional stories dealing with it. GWYNNETH Why disregard the mythical crap? ROY Right. Have you seen any women wandering around New York with snakes for hair? Or a giant lizard? GWYNNETH Hmm. [shrug] It is New York. So you lean towards fiction as being more reliable? ROY When you put it that way... GWYNNETH What's the front runner, then? ROY [very serious] Some sort of alchemical process or machine that changes flesh to stone. [laughs] But it's still nuts. SOUND LAST COUPLE OF KEYS BEING HIT GWYNNETH If you're so creeped out by him, perhaps I should send him on his way. ROY Nah. GWYNNETH Good. He sells. [teasing] Unlike some... ROY Most of your art crowd creeps me out. A little. GWYNNETH And me--? ROY Definitely. [chuckle] Not. SOUND SMOOCHING SCENE 9 MUSIC GWYNNETH [talking on phone] --shipped out first thing. Crating and handling will be fairly expensive-- [some talk] --very heavy, yes. SOUND TAP ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS QUIETLY GWYNNETH [covers phone, whispers] just a second. [back to phone] I'll email you the invoice, and that should go out this afternoon. SOUND PHONE HANGS UP GWYNNETH Can I help you? VIVIENNE I hate to bother you, but-- [deep breath] GWYNNETH Nonsense. Have a seat. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS VIVIENNE Could you perhaps see your way to telling me how to find that sculptor? The one who does the truly amazing marble statues? GWYNNETH [muttered] Not another one. VIVIENNE Huh? You see, Robert-- that fellow asked him to model, and being the narcissist that he is, he was entirely unable to refuse-- GWYNNETH Oh. Um, I might be able to-- VIVIENNE I don't want to make any trouble, but his partner, you know, blames me-- SCENE A1 MUSIC AMBIANCE NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY ROY Hello? PENELOPE [off, musical] Just a moment! SOUND RATTLE OF BEAD CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS PENELOPE [over the top] Welcome to-- [tone change] oh, it's you. Come to sneer? ROY [soft laugh] No. I wanted to ask you a few questions. PENELOPE You saw my sign - it's all entertainment. ROY It also said this-- SOUND SLAP OF MONEY ON TABLE ROY --buys me an hour of your time. PENELOPE [sigh] It's your dime. SOUND MONEY SNATCHED UP PENELOPE One of many, if I recall your money line. ROY I want to know what put you onto the statues. Did a guy named Hank Norton hire you? PENELOPE Hire? You think I've been paid-- ROY Were you? PENELOPE [sigh] Yeah, I really love making an ass of myself in public. Tscha. If I was that much of a masochist, I'd'a taken up mime. You may not believe it, but I truly felt something in there. ROY Screaming? PENELOPE It's not that specific. I have to exaggerate - to translate - when I tell people about my "feelings." They only want to believe things they can relate to. I felt ... unease. Fear. [sigh] A definite flavor of more than one mind. ROY You were in a crowded gallery. PENELOPE More than one mind in distress. Since then- [breaks off] ROY Yes? PENELOPE Can you do me a huge favor? ROY Maybe. PENELOPE Can you try to hold your laughter until you're back out on the street? ROY I think so. PENELOPE I've been having dreams. ROY [snort] PENELOPE [warning noise] I couldn't move. And I couldn't feel anything - but I could see. I could even hear. And be afraid. It was - fear was the biggest part of it. [beat] You seem to be with me so far-- ROY Yes. PENELOPE Well, here's where I'll lose you. I don't usually feel things in words, but in flavors, and colors, and textures. ROY Like auras? PENELOPE No. It's - like with you, I taste brick and brown, and smell the tang of old wires. ROY [uneasy] Whatever. Get on with it. PENELOPE The feeling in my dream - the flavor of it, if you will - was identical to what I felt at the gallery. SCENE a2 MUSIC ROY [off, calling] Gwyn? VIVIENNE [muffled] Eh? ROY [coming on] Gwyn? [muttered] Oh, it's Bert. Or Ernie. VIVIENNE Hmm? She's out. Asked me to run some numbers for her. You didn't realize I have skills beyond those of mere mortal critics? ROY [snarky] You'd have to. VIVIENNE Look. Maybe you can help me - Gwyn seems to put a lot of faith in you, despite your obvious attitude problems. ROY [snort] VIVIENNE Robert - you recall Robert? Well, he's gone missing, ever since agreeing to model for Arturo, and I don't know what to-- ROY He probably just went off with someone. VIVIENNE He wouldn't-- ROY And you're such a judge? VIVIENNE I know Robert-- ROY I thought he was into guys. VIVIENNE [really mad] That does not make him a slut who would run off without a word. ROY [backing down a bit] Ok, fine. You know your friend. But everyone has a dark side. VIVIENNE True. [quick, stabbing] Why do you hate yourself? ROY What? What are you, a shrink? VIVIENNE There's a lot of psychology in art. Your work says a great deal about you. Self loathing fairly screams from every line. ROY [still trying to brush her off, but with an edge] Maybe why it doesn't sell. VIVIENNE I didn't say it wasn't brilliant - it is. It's much too powerful for most people. They see what you show them, but don't know how to handle it. ROY You should meet that psychic. You'll get on like a house on fire. VIVIENNE Marines? ROY [sharp] What? VIVIENNE Special forces? You either saw action or spent a lot of time in prison. You don't have the stance of an abused child. ROY Look lady-- VIVIENNE Or the tats of a career criminal-- ROY Shut up! VIVIENNE Those are the main ways to reach such a depth of hatred for yourself-- SOUND A COUPLE OF QUICK FOOTSTEPS ROY [close] Is there a point to this? VIVIENNE [not backing down] I needed to show you I understand people. You. Gwynneth. And Robert. And he wouldn't go off and leave Gregoire without a word like that. ROY Ok, I believe you. Get the fuck out. VIVIENNE First, tell me how to find Arturo. If you don't care what happened to Robert, I do. ROY What makes you think I know how to find him? [beat] All right. SOUND SCRIBBLING, PAPER TEARS ROY Here. SOUND FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, THEN STOP VIVIENNE [slightly off] She doesn't care, you know. ROY [tries not to respond, then] What? VIVIENNE Gwynneth. She knows you, and for some reason she still loves you. SCENE a3 MUSIC GWYNNETH She really said--? ROY [uncertain] She was full of it. GWYNNETH Well, if that looney's psych-ee sense is right, and they are cursed, at least they're not my problem - all six of them have sold for huge amounts, and I've a list of commission requests as long as my arm to pass on to Arturo as soon as he gets back in contact. ROY Have you checked out his so-called studio? GWYNNETH He never told me where it is. ROY I was there. GWYNNETH You beast! ROY I guess I forgot to mention it. Money does have some privileges. SCENE a4 MUSIC SOUND STEALTHY FEET. EVERYTHING ECHOES SLIGHTLY GWYNNETH [whispered] This is madness. ROY You're the one who spotted Vivienne's car. GWYNNETH Doesn't mean we needed to break in. ROY It was unlocked. No breaking. SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED ROY Stay back, someone's-- SOUND FEET ARE CLEAR VIVIENNE [panting, then gasps in muffled terror] SOUND FEET COME TO AN ABRUPT STOP GWYNNETH Viv? VIVIENNE [gasping, trying to calm down] We need to get out of here - call the police! GWYNNETH What? Why? VIVIENNE It's Robert! A statue! There's no way he could have carved so fast-- SOLANGE [far off scream] VIVIENNE [gasp] He's doing something terrible to her, too--! ROY You get out of here - I'll see what I can do-- GWYNNETH Yes, get going. SCENE a5 SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR ROY [to Gwyn] You too. GWYNNETH Nonsense. You stop him, I'll help her-- SOUND THEIR SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS ARTURO [off, calling] You think you can get away? Darling? If you hide, it just makes me angry. GWYNNETH We can at least see what's coming at us. ROY That's not always a good thing. SOUND DISTANT DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN ARTURO [off] Here? No? GWYNNETH I plan to stare death in the face and spit in its-- SOLANGE [off, whimper] GWYNNETH Shh! Did you hear that? ROY [moving off] Over here— SOUND CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS SOLANGE [gasp] Who ees thees? GWYNNETH It's all right. We'll get you out. Feel my hand? ROY He's getting closer. GWYNNETH I've got her. Up you come. ROY We need to move. SOLANGE Are wee neer zee door say ehkseet? GWYNNETH Exit? [looking around] Oh, yes – there. Come on. SOUND CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS, DOOR QUIETLY OPENS, THEN STARTS TO CLOSE BEHIND THEM GWYNNETH Roy? ROY Get her out of here. I'm going to stop Arturo. GWYNNETH Roy! SOUND GRAB, RUSTLE, KISS ROY Get clear. SOUND DOOR SHUTS SCENE a6 SOUND QUIET CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS ARTURO [off, calling] Come out, come out? SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, OFF SOUND ROY'S FOOTSTEPS STOP ARTURO [Getting closer] There is no place to run to— SOUND A's FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ARTURO Don't make this any more difficult-- SOUND SCUFFLE. GRUNTS. BODY FALLS ROY [whispering, close, puffing a little] Not difficult at all. [chuckle] SOUND HANDCUFFS RATCHET, SLAP SHUT ARTURO [puffing, hard to breathe] And Solange? ROY Out of your reach. ARTURO [wheezy evil chuckle] In reach of your young lady, though. [laughs again] ROY What? ARTURO Don't worry - you still can get away. ROY [dawns on him] Shit! SOUND BODY DRAGS, DOOR OPENS ROY [Grunt as he shoves Arturo into a closet] SCENE a7 SOUND DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS, HURRIED FOOTSTEPS ROY [edge of panic] Gwyn? You here? GWYNNETH [muffled gasp of pain, distant] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ROY Where are you? SOLANGE [off, too sweetly] Over heere. SOUND BANKS OF LIGHTS COME ON, ONE AT A TIME SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW, CAUTIOUS ROY You can't hide in the light— SOLANGE [closer] I 'ave no weesh to. I hwant you to see— GWYNNETH [off] Roy! Get out! Get the police! Don't— [breaks off with a long gasp] SOLANGE [off] Are hyou zee hero? Cohm and geet her. Hyou might steel sehv her. SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP ROY [very sotto] Shit. [up] I've got Arturo – let's make a trade. SOLANGE Heez a tool. I can find anozzer. ROY What? You--? SOLANGE [disparaging] Zee great arteest. A mere saylzman. He is un‑eemportant. Come out and aye weel no hert her more. GWYNNETH [gasp] Get out, Roy— [ends in a hiccup of pain] ROY Gwyn, whatever you do, keep your eyes shut – can you do that? GWYNNETH [fights to make an affirmative sound] SOLANGE So you Zink you noh somezeeng? Come clozer, man. [kissing noise, like summoning a dog] I could reemov her eyeleedz, you know. It is chust zo – barbareec. GWYNNETH [High squeal] ROY Why? I mean, why do it? What are you? SOLANGE Stop moveeng! Hwonce, we wayr feered and worshipp-ed. GWYNNETH [gaspy] So now you're a supermodel - what's the diff-- [gasp] SOLANGE Hyou ask why I turn peepul to stone? ROY [muttered] Just a bit closer. [up] Yeah, what's the deal? SOLANGE Chust for the look on zayr face! [laughs merrily, then gasps] Ow! SOUND SCUFFLE, THEN QUICK FEET SOLANGE You Beech! You BEET mee! GWYNNETH Come on! SOUND RUNNING FEET SOLANGE [going off] You cannot geet away! SCENE a8 SOUND FOOTSTEPS RUNNING MADLY, SLAM THROUGH SEVERAL SETS OF DOORS, FOOTSTEPS STOP BOTH [breathing hard, Gwynneth gasping a bit in pain] ROY Sorry. GWYNNETH Let's get out, then you can apologize all over me. ROY [chuckle] SOUND HIT BAR ON NEXT DOOR. IT WON'T MOVE. ROY Shit! SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR, TRYING TO MAKE IT OPEN SOUND BEHIND THEM, A DISTANT SET OF DOORS SLAMS OPEN ROY Shit!! GWYNNETH What is it? ROY She's a gorgon – medusa. That's why she always wears the shades- Whatever you do, don't look in her eyes. SOUND ANOTHER DISTANT SET OF DOORS SOUND PUSHING ON THE NEAR DOOR. NO LUCK ROY [almost giving up] shit. GWYNNETH [strangely calm] We're trapped? ROY She did it. Just like this. Hunted them down and caught them - no wonder they all look so damn scared. GWYNNETH Well... [gasp] hold me? At least that way, we end up a statue together. ROY [chuckle dissolves into gasping sob] SOUND LAST DOOR BUT ONE SLAMS OPEN. FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD COMING CLOSER ROY [deep breath] Do you trust me? GWYNNETH Of course. I love you. ROY I – I love you, too. GWYNNETH I know. I – SOUND LAST DOOR SLAMS OPEN. SLOW OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS, SLITHERY NOISES ACCOMPANY HER ARRIVAL GWYNNETH [Scream of agony] SCENE a9 MUSIC AMBIANCE GALLERY. BUZZ. MUSIC. GORDIE Is that the owner? Seems funny to run a gallery, being blind and all. VIVIENNE [sounding older, wiser] She trusts my judgment. GORDIE Was she born blind? VIVIENNE Oh, no – there's a tragic story there. GORDIE Do tell! VIVIENNE Some years back, our dear hostess was madly in love – you've seen the statue in the corner near her office? GORDIE That fabulous marble of the hunk? Sylvester said it was the last piece Arturo ever sculpted. VIVIENNE The – model – for that was the man she loved. GORDIE [a little bitchy] Oh, how sweet, and she keeps it to remind her of him? VIVIENNE He was the one who put her eyes out. END
Gamers on their way to a convention run afoul of violent criminals on the run. Can they use their "skillz" to survive? [warning - some violence, language, and mature situations] Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Abby - Beverly Poole Mark - Brian Lomatewama Justin - Mathias Rebne Morgan Brianna - Lyndsey Thomas Tyler - Michael Faigenblum Clark - Brandon O'Brien News Report - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Man - Bill Hollweg Music of DARKEST OF THE HILLSIDE THICKETS! used with permission Show theme and Incidental Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a van on a road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?" _______________________________________ EXIT STRATEGY Cast: Mark - Game Master, in a wheelchair Abby - strategy girl Justin - the driver, Mark's brother Brianna - nurse, dating Tyler Tyler - wiry LARPer, dating Brianna Clark - a criminal Thug - another criminal SOUND FOOTSTEPS OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a car on a stretch of road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND INSIDE CAR NOISES SOUND Music plays on the radio SOUND "BING" FROM THE DASHBOARD SOUND Justin turns down the stereo JUSTIN We're riding E. [up] Eyes peeled for a gas station, everybody! MARK Hey, Justin, remember when it used to be sooo cool to cross the state line? JUSTIN Yeah - some things just lose their charm as you get older, little bro. MARK And can drink legally in your own state... ABBY Don't drink and game. It dulls your edge. JUSTIN You've got enough edge for all of us, Abby. BRIANNA [slightly off, giggles] I would too. TYLER [slightly off] That is so great. You are so great. ABBY You do realize we can hear you? JUSTIN Keep it clean back there. I'll lose my damage deposit on the van if it comes back stained. BRIANNA Ew! We were just-- TYLER [defiant] I was just telling Bree that if she ever got possessed by a demon, I would totally kill her. BRIANNA [squeaky] Isn't that sweet? ABBY [baffled] Yeah. [whispered] What do you think brought on this declaration of undying love? JUSTIN Tyler brought his DVD player. I think they're watching Evil Dead. ABBY Oh. [that explains it] MARK You guys are all going to help with the "Super Five" tournament, right? I can count on you? ABBY Well-- MARK Well? ABBY [hesitant] I was checking, and the final round of the "AfterBlast" championship is in the same time slot. MARK [excited] You really think you have a chance? ABBY Hell yeah. I plan to kick ass and take names. MARK That rocks. JUSTIN I-- I noticed you were the only - um - ABBY Discernibly female? JUSTIN Yeah, that - name on the semi-finals roster. ABBY Yup. Time to represent. MUSIC JUSTIN Pit stop! MARK Man, you are this close to losing your deposit. JUSTIN Shit. Your chair's packed! BRIANNA I got you, Mark. SOUND DOOR SLIDES OPEN, SHIFTING SOUNDS AS SHE GETS OUT SOUND FRONT DOOR OPENS BRIANNA Come on, then. TYLER [teasing, going off] No groping my girl, now. MARK Hey! My hand slipped. Once. BRIANNA Girl. [snort] I am a woman. [grunts as she gets Mark on her back] OK, hold on. Tyler, got the door? TYLER [off] Getting it! SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE SOUND DOOR OPENS. MEN'S ROOM SOUND FLUSH, STALL DOOR OPENS MAN Hey! You can't be in here! BRIANNA Puh-lease. I'm a nurse. Almost. [sarcastic] And you should get that looked at. MUSIC AMBIANCE NIGHTTIME ROAD, VERY QUIET MUSIC VERY QUIET ON THE STEREO JUSTIN [quiet] Hey Abby? ABBY [quiet, tired] Hmm? JUSTIN Just wanted to see if you're awake. ABBY Really? Nice of you to check. JUSTIN Well... I'm not sure how much farther it is to the motel, and I was starting to fade a bit. Help keep me on the road? ABBY [half yawning] Sure. What's on your mind? JUSTIN Any chance you and I - you know - sometime? ABBY [half a laugh] I've sworn a blood oath not to date any man who can't beat me in a fair game of AfterBlast. JUSTIN Really? ABBY Something like that. No offense, OK? You're nice. But we're kind of different worlds. JUSTIN I used to game-- ABBY Used to. You traded in your dice for the corporate world. JUSTIN It's not that bad-- [sudden change] Whoah. ABBY What? JUSTIN Nothing. Just - there's headlights behind us. They weren't there a minute ago. ABBY Must have come round a corner. SOUND CREAK, TURN ABBY [turned to look] Hmm. How fast are we going? JUSTIN Why? ABBY They're catching up. Should I wake everybody? JUSTIN Well... if there's a crash, they're better off asleep. Relaxed. It's a fact - why drunks walk away more often-- ABBY It's still coming. Can we get off the road? JUSTIN There just isn't any place to go! The ditches are ... gaping black chasms! ABBY What's our speed? JUSTIN Seventy. So far. SOUND GROWLING ROAR, GETTING CLOSER ABBY How much can you push a minivan? JUSTIN Don't know. It's a rental. ABBY All right. [thinking] Turn off the headlights. JUSTIN What? ABBY There's a good moon - the road is straight as far as I can see right now - can you hold the wheel straight while you're blinded? SOUND ROARING REVVING APPROACHES JUSTIN I... guess-- yes. SOUND HEADLIGHTS TURN OFF JUSTIN [heavy breathing] ABBY Once our eyes adjust, we can look for a turnoff - in the dark, with the headlights, we won't see it until it's too late. JUSTIN Does that work? ABBY I don't know. Yes! There, to the left, a road. JUSTIN We're going too fast! ABBY Start the turn early, and run in at an angle. It should work. MARK [half asleep] Yeah, the roll factors are considerably less-- JUSTIN Roll factors? MARK "Street Wars," core manual. The turn gauge modifiers. JUSTIN Whatever, here we go! SOUND SCREECH MUSIC AMBIANCE OUTSIDE SOUND TICKING OF THE ENGINE MARK I'm suitably impressed. JUSTIN Thanks. Me too. ABBY It worked! JUSTIN A flat tire-- ABBY Just one. MARK --is not bad, all things considered. ABBY [encouraging] Besides you missed the ditch, and the car didn't even flip. MUSIC SOUND ON THE ROAD AGAIN TYLER Doesn't this whole thing remind anyone of a movie? JUSTIN Movie? What, Texas Chainsaw Massacre? ABBY Wo! We do have the right carload for leatherface. MARK Hey, Justin, don't pick up any strangers, kay? I don't wanna be the first to die. TYLER No.... OK, think. A brother and sister in a car, in the middle of nowhere-- BRIANNA [helping] In the middle of the day-- TYLER Run off the road by a huge spooky truck--? Hmm? MARK That wasn't a truck. ABBY It wasn't? MARK While you guys were watching the road, I watched it go by - It was big and square-- TYLER A truck. MARK No. Better than that - I saw words on the side. BRIANNA A truck? MARK [sigh] Nope. I must have made a perfect success on my perception roll, though - it was an armored car. JUSTIN In the middle of the night? In the middle of nowhere? ABBY Radio. There must be something. SOUND RADIO ON, SURF CHANNELS, STOP ON AN AD MARK I like N-P-R. ABBY News channel, bub. [Moment just listening.] JUSTIN OK, enough with the ads - give us some news. TYLER If this was a movie, the minute we switched over, the news bulletin would come on right then. Cheesy, eh? BRIANNA It's just a genre convention - a way of condensing all this boring time spent listening to-- JUSTIN Shh. SOUND TURNS VOLUME UP NEWS ...the third armored car hijacking this year, and the second one with fatalities. Three security guards were injured in the attack-- JUSTIN Wow. We should call someone. ABBY Already on it. SOUND CELL PHONE BEEPS ABBY Damn. No reception. NEWS --two are in critical condition. Pursuers lost the car in a high speed chase when the hijackers realized they were being tracked and dumped the onboard GPS at the side of the road. JUSTIN Well, the motel must be close. They'll have a phone. NEWS Police believe that one of the hijackers may have been injured in the attack... SOUND CLICK RADIO OFF - no music here MARK I thought we were supposed to reach it by ten? JUSTIN Well, with all you small bladdered people, we had a lot more potty breaks than I allowed for. And, o'course, getting run off the road... Changing the tire... TYLER There was that. BRIANNA Think your Uncle Joey'll give us a discount for coming in so late - half the night, half price? TYLER I'll ask him. [yawns] In the morning, though. MUSIC SOUND CAR, SNORING FROM ALL BUT JUSTIN SOUND BUMP, THEN CAR PULLS TO A STOP JUSTIN [trying to stay awake noise] Holy crap, I think we're here. ABBY [waking] Mmm? Oh good... JUSTIN One moment and I'll go and check in... ABBY No, I'll get it. Gotta pee anyway. Small bladder. [yawns] All that. JUSTIN [receding] I didn't mean.... SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, DOOR, BELL JINGLES ABBY Hello? Hello? SOUND RINGS DESK BELL SOUND DOOR OPENS SOMEWHERE ABBY [calling] Look, I'm sorry to be coming in so late! We had car trouble. Can we get a room? [beat] Hello? SOUND FLUSH OF A TOILET ABBY [needs to pee] Oh, jeez. [deep shaky breath] Hello? SOUND DOOR OPENS CLARK Hey. Sorry about that. I was catching a few. You want a room? ABBY Yeah, my friends and I - if you have a room with a couple of queens, we'll be fine. CLARK Uh, sure. Probably. [looking around] Nobody really here, tonight. ABBY Could we have the one out on the end, then? CLARK Don't see why not... um... ABBY Says here it's room 14. CLARK There you go. [unconvincing laugh] So tired my eyes won't focus. SOUND KEY SLAPPED ON TABLE ABBY How much? CLARK Oh, pay when you leave. ABBY Hmm. Are you Joey? CLARK Joey who? ABBY [sharp intake of breath, then faking being ditzy] Sorry - you look a lot like the cousin of a friend of mine. CLARK I get that a lot. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS ABBY Oh, can I use your bathroom? It's kind of an emergency. CLARK [too sharp] No! I mean, sorry - no can do. Absolutely against policy. Too bad you didn't get a room closer in, eh? ABBY [flat, suspicious] Yeah. SOUND DOOR SHUTS, JINGLE MUSIC SOUND HOTEL ROOM DOOR SHUTS, FEET STUMBLE AROUND, BAGS DOWN, ETC. SOUND BODY FLOPS ONTO BED JUSTIN I am dead. As driver, I call a bed. SOUND WHEELCHAIR ROLLS MARK I'm with you. SOUND FLUSH BRIANNA I suppose Abby and I should share the... other...? I thought she said the room would have two beds? SOUND DOOR OPENS ABBY That clerk didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Did you park right next to the door Justin? JUSTIN [half moan] Yes. Why? ABBY I have a bad feeling about all this. TYLER Any chance it has something to do with all the spooky movie talk in the car? BRIANNA And the guy who ran us off the road? ABBY Maybe. JUSTIN Well, unless you're ready to drive - and pay for the extra insurance - We're not moving from this spot until I wake up. ABBY But the clerk - there was something wrong there. Really. God, for a chance at a spot hidden roll. MARK [more awake] Describe him. BRIANNA [groans] Come on - it's beddy-bye time! MARK Abby's got good instincts, Bree. You know how hard it is for me to fool her. ABBY That's just in game. I'm not-- JUSTIN [half asleep, but trying] But you are the only girl-- BRIANNA [half-hearted] Woman. JUSTIN --to make it into the ... strategic final thingee-- ABBY Ok. Shit I'm tired. [long deep thinking breath] He wouldn't let me use the bathroom. He didn't try and hit on me. Didn't know which number room was the one on the end. Didn't ask how many "we" were. Didn't know which rooms have queen beds. Didn't ask for a credit card. TYLER So? He's dead tired too. Big whoop. It's [looks] 2 freaking 55 in the morning. MARK Jeez, folks, we've had sessions which went long past 3! What's wrong with you? JUSTIN [muttered into the pillow] Getting old. MARK Yeah. You 25-year old over the hill codger, you. Abby, what would you do now? ABBY What? MARK This is the scenario. Right here. What would you do? TYLER Sleep. BRIANNA Seconded. JUSTIN [Snoring] MARK Assume it's unlikely we can drive out of here - at least not conveniently. How would you secure the room? ABBY [perking up] We could set watches-- TYLER [mumbled] Screw you! ABBY I can't watch all night. Adrenaline is only good for so long. MARK That guy struck you that bad? ABBY Yeah. I'm probably just-- MARK Let's assume otherwise. We have a map - of sorts - on the door there. Take a look. ABBY I - well, I got the room on the end, since we'd have a better chance of seeing or hearing anyone coming. MARK [chuckles] ABBY I can't help it. I'm already in strategy mode. Ok, the room has windows at the front and back and a bathroom that abuts the next room. No windows in the end wall. If we could keep an eye either side-- SOUND FEET ON CARPET, CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE, THEN WHIPPED BACK INTO PLACE. ABBY Oh, shit. MARK What? ABBY God, I hope no one saw the light. MARK I'll turn it off. Let them think we're asleep. SOUND CLICK OF SWITCH MARK Now? ABBY It's the truck - car - whatever! The one that almost ran us off the road! MARK [gasps] Are you sure? ABBY Come and look! MARK I believe you. We need everyone if this is a real situation. Shit. ABBY There's woods - cover - right out back. If Tyler was up, he could go look. MARK He's not going to be up any time soon. ABBY I know what will-- I'm going to take a chance and get my other bag from the car. I'll see what I can see. MARK I'll try the phone-- ABBY No! MARK Why? ABBY Switchboard - I saw a switchboard in the office. MARK Shit. Major "notice," though. Good one. SOUND DOOR OPENS MARK Abby? ABBY I'll be careful. MARK [encouraging] I'm glad it's you. SOUND DOOR SOFTLY CLOSES MARK Shit. SOUND A moment of just snoring MUSIC CREEPS IN, JUST A BIT MARK [snorty, "almost fell asleep" noise] Abby? What time--? Shit. SOUND WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS MARK [urgent hiss] Justin! Wake up, dammit! JUSTIN Wha--? MARK Wake Up! SOUND DOOR OPENS QUICKLY, FEET COME IN, DOOR SHUTS AGAIN MARK God! You nearly gave me a heart attack! ABBY Sorry - I spotted someone out in the parking lot, just after I got in the van, and I didn't want to move again until it was clear. JUSTIN [almost awake] What's going on? ABBY I'll get Tyler up. MARK Go for it. I doubt you'll have much luck. ABBY Ah, but I have a secret weapon - I always pack a sixer with me to gaming cons. SOUND SLOSHING OF LIQUID MARK [almost drooling] Energy shots. ABBY Un-huh. It may take a minute or two, but we'll get everyone up and running. MUSIC TYLER All you had to do was shout "Bob! Bob is coming!" and I woulda been up and running without the taste of ass - Bob was the demon in the larp last weekend, and man was he-- MARK Shush. EVERYONE [Murmurs of assent] MARK Let's assume this is not a drill. EVERYONE [a bit undecided murmurs] ABBY I know there's something odd here. I feel it. JUSTIN Are you sure you're not just jittery about the tourney? ABBY Probably am, but that doesn't make me think I'm wrong. BRIANNA [Still groggy] What do you want us to do? MARK Tyler, are you up for something that could be really dangerous? TYLER Hell yeah. BRIANNA [cautioning] Tyler? TYLER Well, how dangerous? MARK Abby? ABBY Out the back window of the room, I think I saw that armored car that nearly ran us down. It's parked in a dark spot. If it's really the one, and there's any chance it's the same one that was stolen, there's a good chance we've walked in on a den of thieves. We need to know. Can you get within range of it and have a look? TYLER Gimme a second. SOUND FEET. CURTAIN MOVES BRIANNA When you say "really dangerous"--? MARK They already killed a couple of guys during the holdup. I can't see them hesitating at shooting a few more bystanders. BRIANNA Tyler? ABBY Bree, I've Larped with him, and if anyone can really sneak, it's Folemon. BRIANNA But that's his character! ABBY In live action games, there are things you either can do or you can't, and sneaking is‑‑ TYLER [voice slightly different - "in character" as Folemon] I spy the brigands' carriage. I will hence and reconnoiter. BRIANNA Be careful. TYLER Fair maiden, with you to return to, I cannot fail. [kiss on hand] Douse the lanterns, lest my shadow betray me! MUSIC SOUND LIGHT TAPPING NOISE, WHICH GOES ON THROUGHOUT JUSTIN What are you doing? ABBY What does it look like? I'm checking for trap doors. JUSTIN You're joking. BRIANNA Didn't you see that movie Vacancy? There was a trapdoor in the bathroom floor. ABBY That was so annoying. They were so stupid about that. JUSTIN About what? ABBY Did you see the movie? JUSTIN Well, no. ABBY They could have easily blocked the hatch. But they didn't and ended up fighting guys popping up out of it. BRIANNA They couldn't block it - they tried. There wasn't any heavy furniture. ABBY [derisive laugh] What do you call this? SOUND DULL THUMP JUSTIN A mattress. ABBY Have you ever had to move one? From a dead lift? And if that's not enough, the trapdoor was right next to the tub - you just soak the damn thing and no one - not even Schwarzenegger-- BRIANNA Well, back in his prime-- ABBY Is going to be able to shift it. JUSTIN You ...actually ...thought about this? ABBY [matter of fact] It's what I do. SOUND KNOCKING BRIANNA Lights out - it's the door. SOUND SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT BRIANNA Tyler? ABBY Folemon! TYLER [muffled] I return triumphant! SOUND DOOR OPENS AND QUICKLY SHUTS AGAIN, LOCKS TYLER And, I have a prize! SOUND TAP ON SOMETHING METAL SOUND LIGHT CLICKS ON JUSTIN What the--? MARK No, that's good. If we can get to the authorities, we can prove we saw the damn thing. JUSTIN You coulda taken a picture - you think they're not going to notice a missing license plate? TYLER [chuckling, full of himself] I think they'll have other things on their mind. ABBY Oh, god, what did you do? TYLER I had my thieves tool handy-- JUSTIN What? BRIANNA Pocketknife. TYLER So I hobbled their horses. ABBY We need to go now. JUSTIN You did what? BRIANNA He let the air out of their tires. Tyler, sweetie, speak English so I can stop translating. TYLER Hey, what? They won't be able to come after us-- ABBY But they will know someone was spying on their truck. They might not notice the plate, but-- aagh! TYLER I was... um... in the zone? My character would have-- MARK Understandable. Let's deal with it. Were there any other cars out there? TYLER Not out back. MARK Justin? JUSTIN What? MARK Any other cars out front? JUSTIN I didn't notice. Sorry. MARK See what happens when you give up gaming? You lose your edge. You remember anything Abby? ABBY Not in the parking lot. I can take a look. MARK Hold off. What do we have for weapons, if it comes to that? JUSTIN Jack Shit. ABBY Torchiere for a club. BRIANNA No - no heft. ABBY We can wire the doorknob as a last resort - give someone a bitch of a shock. TYLER Shh! [They all do.] SOUND SLIGHT CRUNCH, MIGHT BE FOOT ON GRAVEL MARK Posts. SOUND VERY QUIET MOVEMENT ABBY Uh-uh. BRIANNA shit. MARK The front? BRIANNA Movement. ABBY Window? Door? BRIANNA Distraction. [starts moaning, loudly - very sexy] ABBY Stay out the way of the window. BRIANNA Uhh! [whispered] Watching. [Up] Ohh! TYLER [joins in] JUSTIN You won't be able to hear-- ABBY Neither will they! SOUND WINDOW SLIDES OPEN WITH A PROTESTING SQUEAL ABBY Shit. If we're going out this way, we're doing it sharp and hard. MARK Out front? TYLER [still groaning] BRIANNA Someone's right outside. Ohh! Just a shadow. Ohh! Peeping or about to try something. Ohh! JUSTIN This is insane. This does not happen in real life. MARK Look, bro- you can play along, and worst that happens is you look like an idiot with the rest of us, or you keep saying it can't be real and maybe take a bullet. Why not play along? JUSTIN Shit. What do you need me to do? I am not joining that party. [Moans continue intermittently] MARK Can you see what's at the top of the closet? Usually if there's access to an attic space, that's where it would be. JUSTIN Sure. MARK And you're tall enough. JUSTIN No problem. [suddenly serious] If this is some psycho situation, you know I won't let anyone get you, right, bro? MARK Shithead. Get everyone else out first! I'm the burden - now get in the damn closet. SOUND CLOSET DOOR OPENS ABBY You're not a burden. MARK Physically, I'm a drag on the party. ABBY Mentally, you're the only one keeping us together. So you can just shut up. MARK OK, shutting. BRIANNA He's making a move. MARK Shit. SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR BRIANNA [loud] Ooh! Oh, shit! Huh? TYLER [loud] What the fuck? MARK Abby? Where are we? ABBY Tyler, get behind the door. Ready to slam it if you gotta. TYLER Check. SOUND KNOCK AGAIN ABBY Brianna, the torchiere, stay below the window, trip anyone coming in. BRIANNA On it. SOUND KNOCKING INSISTENT ABBY [trying to make up her mind] Door - wall - wall - door. Shit! [deep breath, then calling out] What? SOUND SHIFTING FURNITURE CLARK You all right in there? ABBY What? CLARK I heard a noise. JUSTIN [whispered] See? Normal. ABBY No. At the very least, he's peeping. No way he'd hear anything from the office. [up] Everything's fine. We were watching a movie. MARK Good one. JUSTIN Oh, this is idiotic. SOUND WALKS, UNLOCKS AND FLINGS OPEN DOOR TYLER Hey! ABBY No! SOUND GUNSHOT, BODY DROP JUSTIN [screams in pain] SOUND DOOR SLAMS CLARK [screams in pain] ABBY Bree, can you get the lock, without getting in front of the door - it's crap, but-- BRIANNA Done. Justin - is he--? SOUND LOCK FUMBLED SHUT JUSTIN [sounds more annoyed than hurt] I'm shot. ABBY At least now we know it's not a drill. SOUND GUNSHOT, WINDOW SHATTERS ABBY Down! SOUND BODIES FALL, WHEELCHAIR RATTLES AND TIPS MARK Get him. I'll cover Justin. SOUND CAUTIOUS STEP ON BROKEN GLASS ABBY [scream, distracting him] SOUND FEET TURN ON THE GLASS, GUNSHOT ABBY Bree! BRIANNA Yaaaah! SOUND THUMP - BODY DROPS CLARK Yowtch! ABBY Sit on that bastard. Tyler, check for backup? SOUND HEAVY CRUNCH ON GLASS CLARK [Whimper] TYLER On it. SOUND CAR STARTING TYLER Oh shit - he's in for a surprise. Front's clear. JUSTIN You seem to all be ignoring the fact that I've been shot. MARK I've been applying pressure. JUSTIN To my mouth. MARK oh, yeah, I was supposed to be stopping the part that got shot, not the part that shot off, right. ABBY Brianna, swap - you take a look at Justin, see if we can move him. I'll hold down the ...fort. TYLER Fart. [Snickers all around.] CLARK [Moans, then grunts when Abby turns him over] SOUND CRACKLE OF GLASS UNDER HIS BODY ABBY Need something to tie him with. TYLER Gotcha. Thieves tools to the rescue again. SOUND RIPPING FABRIC - GOES ON FOR A WHILE BRIANNA Tyler, toss me your flint and steel. SOUND CATCH, THEN FLASHLIGHT COMES ON BRIANNA Looks superficial. I was hoping I knocked you down quickly enough, but I wasn't sure. JUSTIN I've been shot. BRIANNA Yes, but not badly. I'll bandage it in a second. TYLER Here's your fifty feet of rope... ABBY Check the back? TYLER I am fleet enough to be in all places at once. SOUND ENGINE STOPS TYLER Oh. ABBY [grunts as she ties a knot] OK, shithead. Talk. CLARK What? ABBY Well, we have your gun. And a pocketknife. You want to choose which one I do you over with? CLARK What? I was just-- ABBY Shooting in through our door? CLARK I thought you were - TYLER Shut up. ABBY No, let him talk. I want to hear this. CLARK Nothing. ABBY Oh, well. How many friends you got out there? CLARK None. ABBY So that's Christine out back? Or are you Knight Rider? CLARK Ow! No - No! Stop! JUSTIN Let me. I'm the one he shot. CLARK No! There's just the two - and B-Ball's shot. ABBY Anyone else? JUSTIN Is this what you were doing? CLARK OWWW! No, no one! ABBY What about the real clerk? CLARK Oh - um - ABBY Right. We need to dump this guy somewhere. TYLER Out back? ABBY Chances are, we can get out the front. JUSTIN Chances? I don't want-- ABBY No worries. Tyler - eyes on the back until I signal, OK? TYLER Sure thing. BRIANNA What now? ABBY We do what we have to do. Mark, you ready to take a chance? MUSIC SOUND OUTSIDE - DOOR OPENS SOUND WHEELCHAIR BUMPS NOISILY OUT THE DOOR ABBY No shots. Good. We're moving out. Justin, you're behind me and the chair - get your ass into the car and start it. We'll pile in, peel out, and worry about belts and seats later. JUSTIN Are you sure this is safe? ABBY Nope. Tyler? Got the rear? TYLER Got it. ABBY Bree, you're first in. I'll cover you. SOUND GUN CLICKS READY BRIANNA Check. Hold tight! SOUND WHEELCHAIR GRINDS ALONG THE GROUND TYLER He's coming! ABBY Everyone - Move! Justin - get it in gear! JUSTIN Yeah... SOUND JINGLE OF KEYS, THEY DROP TO THE GROUND JUSTIN Shit! ABBY Dammit! Bree, get your ass to the other side of the car! SOUND HEAVY FEET RUNNING ON GRAVEL TYLER I'll-- SOUND GUNSHOT ABBY You'll go. Move it. I'll cover you. [solemn] Don't fumble the keys. TYLER I won't. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF ACROSS THE GRAVEL, snatch up the keys. SOUND GUNSHOT ABBY [Gasps as she shoots] Damn, that's a kick. SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS ABBY Yessss! SOUND ABBY SHOOTS SOUND SIDE DOOR SLIDES OPEN ABBY [yelling] Stop shooting at the crip, you scumbag! You'll be sorry! SOUND WHEELCHAIR MOVES SLOWLY, ODD FOOTSTEPS AS ABBY CROUCHES BEHIND IT ABBY Nice to have friends, isn't it? SOUND GUNSHOT ABBY [yelling] You really should stop that! THUG [evil laugh] ABBY I told him. TYLER Come on! ABBY Bye-bye SOUND WHEELCHAIR PUSHED, ROLLS SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND GRUNT OF PAIN [CLARK] SOUND RUNNING FEET SOUND CAR REVVING SOUND JUMP SOUND GUNSHOT, PINGS OFF METAL OF CAR TYLER [grunting to pull her in] Come on! SOUND CAR MOVES, FEET DRAG BRIANNA Here. SOUND GRAB, DRAG ABBY [grunting] SOUND DOOR SLAMS SOUND TIRES SPIN IN GRAVEL, CAR ZOOMS OFF ABBY [sigh] OK, whose lap am I in? MARK Mine. Sorry about that. ABBY Hey, we're all here, no one got shot-- JUSTIN I did! MARK And we had to dump my chair... ABBY No one got killed, and we're back on the road. I'm gonna feel like shit for the tourney, but who gives a crap? [giggles] [All join in the hysterical relieved laughter.] MUSIC SOUND OUTSIDE ROAD - MORNING NOISES ABBY [waking up noises, suddenly awake with a gasp] MARK [whispering] Shh. It's ok-- SOUND RUSTLE AS SHE TRIES TO SIT UP ABBY Was it - It was a dream? MARK Hell no. But once you passed out, we figured you deserved it. Let you sleep. ABBY Oh... MARK Hey Justin? When's the next bathroom? BRIANNA And a phone. JUSTIN Like anyone's gonna believe us. BRIANNA You did get shot. TYLER And I still have my trophy. SOUND PING AGAINST METAL OF LICENSE PLATE MARK Shh. Abby's out again. ABBY Hmm? [rousing herself] Like hell! Justin? Crank the music!! END
Thanks for your patience! Winter is tough. ______________________________________________ This episode includes graphic violence, archiac psychiatric attitudes and terminology, gaslighting, and misogyny. It was written intentionally to emulate the style of Italian "GIALLO" thriller films of the 1970s and 80s. ______________________________________________ Hot chicks in peril, black leather-gloved killer, faces through plate glass, badly-dubbed voices, and lots and lots of the red stuff! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Dr. Silver - Anthony D.P. Mann Jessica - Julie Hoverson Adrienne - Robyn Keyes Dana - Kate Waterous Chris - Tanja Milojevic Inspector Gules - Glen Hallstrom Manager - Dru Williams Voice on Phone - Lord Blood-Rah Cop1 - Desmond Reddick (Dread Media) Cop2 - Miguel Guerreiro (FearShop.com) Coroner - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Detective - Caretaker (Graveyard Show) Music: Professor Kliq Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?" ________________________________________ WHEN YELLOW CASTS A CRIMSON SHADOW Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Jessica Dr. Silver Dana Adrienne Chris Detective Gules Manager Voice Cop1 Cop2 Detective Coroner OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND LOW MUSIC PLAYS SOUND DOOR OPENS JESSICA Dr. Silver? SILVER Ah, you must be Jessica. Come in! Come in. Your father has spoken of you often. JESSICA Mm. He told me to come to you if I.... needed anything. SILVER Come in! Sit down! I can't tactfully say I am pleased to see you, but I can heartily say I am most happy to make your acquaintance. JESSICA Oh. Yeah. Thanks. SOUND DOOR SHUTS QUIETLY, SHE CROSSES ROOM AND SITS SILVER There. Now tell me what I can do for you. JESSICA Since I moved to Florence, I've - I've been doing really well. Sleeping. Even without the drugs. SILVER You haven't been taking your prescriptions? JESSICA My doctor back home said I could cut back some - once I started feeling better. SILVER Your doctor--? JESSICA Dr. Gelb. Joan Gelb? SILVER Ah, yes, I am familiar with some of her work. Go on. JESSICA Go... on? SILVER You had a reason for coming to me, didn't you? JESSICA Oh! Yes. [very down] The dreams. SILVER [after a beat] Yes? JESSICA Well, I came here to attend university. And be closer to my father. SILVER He is not in the United States? JESSICA No. He's on diplomatic attachment in the Netherlands - [amused] but I don't understand any Dutch. SILVER [chuckles] JESSICA So I found a room with three other girls from the college. They're all models. To pay for their classes. Well, except Dana - she just models for fun... Sorry. That's probably not important. SILVER Don't let it worry you. Go at your own pace. JESSICA Can I have a piece of paper? SILVER You want to take notes? [teasing] That's really my job. JESSICA No, no! It helps me concentrate. Please? SOUND PAPER RIPPED FROM NOTEBOOK, PASSED OVER JESSICA Thank you. SOUND PAPER FOLDED, TORN - UNDER THROUGHOUT JESSICA So, Dana, Chris, and Adrienne - are all gorgeous. I'm the mouse. [heavy sigh] Don't get me wrong - they're all very nice. SILVER But you are a bit jealous? JESSICA They've all got legs all the way up to their shoulders! SILVER [musing] A woman with legs up to her shoulders might be missing a heart. JESSICA [startled, laughs, relaxes a bit] I like that. But, they're nice - really nice. SILVER You're lucky. Good friends are hard to find. JESSICA Yes... [trails off, sighs, then absently] The dream. SILVER Whenever you're ready. JESSICA You're going to think I'm horrible! SILVER Nonsense. Dreams are primarily symbolic, and everyone dreams about things they are embarrassed by. I promise not to judge you. JESSICA [gulps, long breath] In the dream, I come home. Our apartment is on the top floor, so I walk up and up the endless stairs. It's the type that goes round and round an open space. [her voice slowly picks up an echo, as if in a stairwell] You know, where you can look all the way down to the ground floor - as long as you don't have to worry about vertigo? SOUND [under] FOOTSTEPS ECHOING UP THE STAIRWELL SILVER Mm. JESSICA And the door was ... open. JESSICA [under] Hello? JESSICA I pushed it the rest of the way, and went in. And everything was red. Red on the walls. I couldn't understand. All I could think was - did we repaint? SILVER Yes? JESSICA And then I looked up and saw the light fixture. It was red too. Red and dripping. [slowly] Slowly dripping. SILVER [after a pause] Is that when you woke? JESSICA [hollow, numb] No. [coming back] Can I have another piece of paper? I'll trade you. SILVER A crane? Very nice. JESSICA It was... part of my therapy. SOUND PAPER RIPS, PASSED OVER, MORE FOLDING BEGINS SILVER Still... very nice. JESSICA Thanks. [deep breath] I went into the next room. [half a chuckle] Out of the foyer into the frying pan. [lame laugh] You must think I'm awful, to be able to joke at a time like this! SILVER No. Humor is a very common way to deal with painful circumstances. Don't concern yourself with what I think. JESSICA Adrienne was in the sitting room. [trying not to choke up] Dead. She was - all cut up, and the mirror next to the kitchen door was smashed and bloody. I could see my reflection in the shards ....sticking ...out of her ...eyes. JESSICA [tinny] [screams] SILVER [after a short moment] Was that where the dream ended? JESSICA [trying to be chipper] Yes. Just that. Just... seeing her dead. SILVER I'd... like to venture an interpretation of this dream that might help you... come to terms with it. JESSICA Yes? SILVER It's a manifestation of a deep-seated jealousy. JESSICA I'm not jealous! SILVER It's normal - don't worry. She's a beautiful model and you want to see yourself in her eyes as she appears to yours. JESSICA [brightening] Really? But it was so bloody. SILVER Symbolism again. Red is the color of jealousy and passion. Nothing more. MUSIC SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS ECHO UP ENDLESS STAIRWAY SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BELOW SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS STOP SOUND A COUPLE OF HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, APPROACHING SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS, RUNNING UP THE STAIRS SOUND SHE PAUSES AGAIN JESSICA [heavy breathing, trying to be quiet and listen] SOUND NO FOOTSTEPS SOUND THUMPING SOUNDS APPROACH - SETS OF FOUR SOUND TURNS OUT TO BE A BALL COMING DOWN THE STAIRS SOUND SHE CATCHES THE BALL JESSICA [sigh, chuckle] CHILD [strangely bland] My ball! JESSICA [gasp, almost a scream] Oh! [more normal] I've got it. SOUND HER STEPS BEGIN AGAIN MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS DANA [lecturing] I only eat chocolate off a man. JESSICA [gasp] CHRIS Ha! What a line to come in on! Dana was just explaining her perfect diet plan. ADRIENNE It makes perfect sense - work up a sweat, then have all the chocolate you want! JESSICA You girls. DANA Don't tell me you wouldn't, if you had a chance? JESSICA Well... CHRIS Maybe she doesn't like chocolate! ADRIENNE Maybe she doesn't like men. JESSICA I like chocolate! My father sent me some cocoa - the good Dutch kind. DANA I'm surprised you like men any more, Adrienne, after all that bastard Alberto put you through. ADRIENNE Don't get me started. [beat] You should really be allowed to shoot men when you're through with them. CHRIS I'd have a trail of bodies stretching to the sunset. JESSICA Are there any more of those apples? DANA Catch! SOUND CATCHING AN APPLE CHRIS What would we do when we run out of men? ADRIENNE [bitter, haunted] Not all men, just the ones who want to track you down and torment you. DANA He didn't! CHRIS Again? JESSICA [bites into apple, then chewing] What? DANA You should tell her. ADRIENNE It makes me sound like such a victim. DANA Why do you think she never does bikini shots? CHRIS She's moved three times in the past year - but he always finds her. DANA She's got the scars to prove it. MUSIC SOUND SOFT MUSIC PLAYS SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, HURRIED FEET ENTER JESSICA It happened again! SILVER Calm down, Jessica. JESSICA I'm - I'm so sorry to burst in here like this-- SILVER Sit down. JESSICA But I - I can't concentrate on anything today-- SOUND PAPER RIPPING FROM NOTEBOOK SILVER Here. Now sit. SOUND SHE SNATCHES THE PAPER, FLAPS IT JESSICA Thank you. Are you sure it's ok? SILVER I've got plenty of paper. JESSICA [chuckles] No, I mean-- [sighs] Thank you. SOUND SHE SITS, BEGINS FOLDING JESSICA I feel like such a fool. SILVER It obviously upset you. Sharing will make you feel better. You had another dream? JESSICA No! That's the weird part - it was the same dream! SILVER The same? JESSICA Well, it started the same. Going up the stairs, and the blood on the light, and ... [almost a whisper] Adrienne. SILVER And...? JESSICA It was all the same - except the ending. SILVER How did it end, then? JESSICA It didn't. I mean - it went on, from where I woke up before. SILVER Hmm. JESSICA I was staring at myself in the mirror shards - but then I realized it wasn't me. Not Jessica. Not this time - that was different. SILVER Who was in the reflection? JESSICA I think it was.... the killer! [NOTE - now the voices in the consulting room are tinny, as the scene plays out underneath] SOUND [repeat of Jessica's scream from the first dream, which trails off into a weird noise of breathing] SOUND FOOTSTEPS WALK SLOWLY THROUGH SQUISHY BLOODY PUDDLE SILVER Be as specific as you want. You won't shock me. You can give me every detail. JESSICA I can smell the blood. It's everywhere. SILVER It's quite a distinctive smell. JESSICA Yes. SOUND DOOR PUSHED SLOWLY OPEN, FOOTSTEPS MOVE INTO DRY SPACE SOUND SQUEAK AS KNIFE IS CLEANED OFF - LEATHER AGAINST METAL SOUND FOUR TAPS OF KNIFE AGAINST WOOD JESSICA It was Dana's room. And she was sleeping. SILVER So this was nighttime? JESSICA [slightly confused] I don't know. Dana sleeps late. SILVER Jessica - in the dream, are you Jessica, or are you the killer? JESSICA I - I'm not sure. I'm not... thinking in the dream, just seeing and feeling... and smelling. I can't see a face - even in the mirrors - I just knew it was the killer looking back at me, but I couldn't tell you what he...I...looked like. SILVER [too interested] What are you wearing? JESSICA Boots. Black. Leather gloves. I move toward Dana's bed... SOUND CREAK OF THE LEATHER GLOVES SILVER Do you stab her too? JESSICA [offhand] Oh, Adrienne wasn't stabbed - at least... that wasn't how she died. She was strangled. SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER DANA [gasps, awakens, tries to breathe] SOUND CLAWING AT LEATHER, SHAKING OF BED, POUNDING SILVER And then she died? JESSICA Oh, no. That would be too quick. I let up just in time - she's out. SILVER [licks his lips] Do you tie her up? JESSICA Yes. I tie her to the bed frame. Up and down. SILVER What is she wearing? JESSICA A scarlet negligee. She got it after one of her modeling shoots - the picture is on the wall over the bed. Huge. Her. Posed in red. Enticing. SOUND [tinny] CRUMPLE OF PAPER SILVER And then...? JESSICA [coming out of it] I-I- can I have another piece of paper? SILVER [breathing a bit heavily, trying to calm down] Of course. SOUND PAPER TORN RATHER CLUMSILY OUT OF NOTEBOOK - RIPS IN HALF SILVER Damn. What will you make? SOUND TEARS ANOTHER PIECE, SHE SNATCHES IT AWAY FROM HIM, BEGINS FOLDING JESSICA A box. I feel like I'm in a box. SILVER Perhaps you should make something more... open. Something you can get out of. JESSICA Maybe next time. SILVER All right. Was there more to the dream? JESSICA A little. After Dana woke up. SILVER [trying to hide his excitement] What happened? JESSICA [evasive] I just... killed her. MUSIC ESCALATES SOUND STABBING - SETS OF FOUR DANA [Screaming, begging, gurgling] SOUND SPLATTER DANA [gurgling] SOUND A COUPLE MORE KNIFE STABS DANA [death rattle] SOUND DRIPPING SOUND WIPING KNIFE WITH GLOVES AGAIN MUSIC SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN STAIRWELL, STOP FOR A SECOND SOUND FAR AWAY, DOOR OPENS JESSICA [sigh] SOUND TWO STEPS SOUND DOOR NEARBY SLAMS OPEN SOUND FEROCIOUS DOG!!!!! JESSICA [screams, then smothers it] SOUND SCRABBLING OF DOG NAILS ON TILE FLOOR JESSICA Mrs. Amarelo! Mrs. Amarelo! Please! MUSIC SOUND TEAPOT WHISTLING, TAKEN OFF, WATER POURS JESSICA [talking loudly to someone in another room] She really needs to keep that dog on a shorter leash. She's lucky I didn't jump back and fall down the stairs. SOUND DOOR OPENS, SLIPPERED FEET IN DANA [half awake] Mm. Coffee? JESSICA [silly!] Cocoa. [gasp] Oh! DANA You don't like it? It's imported French lace. JESSICA I'm just not used to-- DANA And red is such a good color on me. ADRIENNE [calling from the other room] --she's just shy. SOUND FOOTSTEPS COME IN ADRIENNE [close] Haven't you ever wondered, Jessica? JESSICA [disturbed] Wondered... what? SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS DANA Mmm? ADRIENNE What it would be like with a woman? JESSICA [disturbed] Um - no. Uh, I don't even know anyone who does-- ADRIENNE Anyone who you KNOW does, anyway. JESSICA Um... I guess. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHRIS [freaking out, out of breath] Oh, god! SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT, BODY THUMPS AGAINST IT ADRIENNE What's wrong? Sit down! SOUND DOOR LOCKS JESSICA Cocoa? CHRIS Thanks! [sips, then shudders in a breath] ADRIENNE What happened? CHRIS [gasping it out] On the street. A gun! It was so loud! DANA Someone was shot? I'm phoning the police. ADRIENNE Give her a minute! She's nearly hysterical! CHRIS No! No! Call them! The sooner I tell, the sooner he'll be caught! JESSICA Did you see the guy? CHRIS Uh-huh! [yes] MUSIC SOUND LOW MUSIC PLAYS SOUND PAPER FOLDING JESSICA I have this awful feeling-- SILVER Yes? JESSICA That this is all... some kind of premonition. SILVER You think you're seeing something that might happen in the future? JESSICA It would make so much sense. SILVER Is there anything in the dream that makes you think it will happen? JESSICA Like what? SILVER Something with the date? A newspaper, perhaps? JESSICA [concentrating] Mmm, no. None of us really reads the papers. Magazines, yes, but they don't come out that often. [beat] And they all kind of look the same. SILVER Have you ever had a dream - any dream - come true in the past? JESSICA What? [half a chuckle] No! SILVER Then I think you are safe. [teasing, fatherly] But make sure to lock your door. JESSICA [laughs a bit] SILVER [getting back on track] So. The dream came back. Again. JESSICA [quiet, sad] Yes. SILVER And it was--? JESSICA Longer. SILVER [avid] So once again, you saw your first two friends strangled and tortured and-- [swallows] mutilated. JESSICA Yes. SILVER And then? What about your third friend - what was her name? JESSICA Chris. [numb] Chris was in the hall. She must have heard the commotion with Dana. I... feel like the killer was - ummmm - surprised. Like he didn't expect her to be there. SILVER Why do you say that? JESSICA I don't know. Just that he - I - had to chase her down. SILVER Be specific. JESSICA I came out of Dana's bedroom-- [office voices go tinny] SOUND SQUISHING FOOTSTEPS, WIPE FEET AND STEP ONTO TILE SOUND DOOR OPENS CHRIS Dana? What? Oh, god! [screams] JESSICA I hesitate, stunned. Just long enough for her to run back into her room. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SOUND HEAVY FEET RUN, SLAM INTO DOOR CHRIS [muffled] No! No! SOUND SLAM INTO DOOR, WOOD CREAKS AND CRACKS JESSICA There's such a - a rush as the door gives way. SILVER Where is Chris? JESSICA She's pressed again the window, outlined in light from the pink and red neon across the street. SILVER Ahhhh. What is she wearing? JESSICA Silk. A blue slip-- SILVER Blue? Are you sure? JESSICA Yes. Why? SILVER The neon light - it might be deceptive. JESSICA I saw it in the hall. SILVER Ahhh. What color is her hair? JESSICA Chris? She has long straight blonde hair. SILVER And very pretty. JESSICA Yes. SILVER Mmmmm. SOUND WINDOW SLAMS OPEN JESSICA I raise the knife and she screams again, trying to climb out the window. SILVER Can she? JESSICA We're six stories up. That's why there's all those stairs. SILVER Do you... cut her? JESSICA Better. I set the knife aside again-- SOUND LEATHER ON METAL JESSICA --and take her by the throat. The black leather of the gloves looks strange in the neon pink glow - especially against her pale white throat. SILVER Does she struggle? JESSICA Like a fiend. She strikes and kicks, but it is all in vain. [coming out of it] The killer must be a man. SILVER [startled out] Um? Of course-- Um, [swallows, clears throat] The um - the killer in the dream. JESSICA That's what I meant. SILVER Right. More paper? SOUND RIPS PAPER OUT OF NOTEBOOK JESSICA Thanks. SOUND TAKES IT, STARTS FOLDING SILVER You've made me quite a little collection here. What's this one? JESSICA A knife. SILVER [amused] A paper knife. And this? JESSICA A shrew. SILVER No more cranes? JESSICA Cranes are peaceful. I haven't been feeling very... peaceful. SILVER Do you want to continue? JESSICA Don't you have another appointment? SILVER No. Your case is fascinating, so I cleared some extra time for you. JESSICA Oh. All right. SILVER At least follow the dream to the conclusion. JESSICA Where was I? SILVER [too quick] You were strangling Chris. SOUND STRANGLING NOISES UP AGAIN SOUND HAND POUNDING AGAINST GLASS [voices go tinny again] JESSICA Right. Then she passed out. SOUND STRUGGLE STOPS, SQUEAK OF HAND SLIDING DOWN PANE SILVER Gooood. SOUND ROPE PASSING THROUGH HANDS SILVER And--? JESSICA I took the cord from the blinds and wrapped it around her neck. SILVER Strangling her? Again? Why? JESSICA It wasn't tied that tight. SILVER Then, what? JESSICA Then I cut her a little. Not deep. Just enough to see red - just enough for the blood to flow. Shoulders. Thighs. Chest. It took a long time for her to wake up again. SILVER Did you cut her blue slip off? JESSICA It's not blue any more. Now it's wet and dark in strange rivulet patterns. So is the floor. SILVER And then? JESSICA Her eyes open - and once again I see my own reflection twice in one face. And this time I can almost make out who I am. If it weren't for that darn pink neon, I might be able to. SILVER Does SHE recognize you? JESSICA [dismissively] Maybe. She tries to scream. But I already gagged her. [little sigh] She was asleep a long time. SILVER Uh-huh? JESSICA I pull her up by her hair - her long blonde lovely hair. The word "tresses" pops into my mind. SILVER Tresses. That's a good word. JESSICA She squirms and tries to escape. Her eyes plead with me. But I don't waver. I show her the knife and she closes her eyes. I run the hilt of the knife over her forehead and she squeals - when really all I want to do is press her eyelids open. SILVER She can't understand that, can she? JESSICA I just want her to see. She was always a big one for seeing things. SILVER See what? JESSICA The window. SILVER Is there something outside? JESSICA Not yet. SILVER Oh? JESSICA As soon as her eyelids flutter open, I turn her toward the window and slam her face into it, shattering the glass. Something breaks in her, too, and I hear her muffled agony. SILVER Her nose? JESSICA I don't know, since as soon as the glass is gone, I push her out. SILVER On the cord? JESSICA She dances so prettily. SILVER Do the people outside see? JESSICA No, the music from the club with the neon is very loud, and no one ever looks up. SILVER What about the blood? JESSICA I don't know. I woke up. SILVER [breathing heavily, calming down] JESSICA What do you think? SILVER We definitely have some work to do. You'll see me each afternoon for a while - can you promise me you will? JESSICA Of course, if you think it's important. SILVER Very. And here is my home number-- SOUND SCRIBBLING ON A CARD SILVER --In case anything else comes to mind. JESSICA You're sure you don't mind if I call you? SILVER No. Of course not. In fact, I insist. I am here for you. MUSIC AMB STREET, NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE AROUND SOUND JESSICA'S STEPS, HURRYING SOUND A STRANGE TAPPING NOISE - SETS OF FOUR - GETTING CLOSER SOUNDS SHE SPEEDS UP SOUND THE TAPPING GETS CLOSER SOUND SHE SPEEDS UP MORE JESSICA [gasping] SOUND GRAB AND FLING OPEN DOOR SOUND FEET RUN INTO BUILDING SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT JESSICA [breathing heavily] SOUND TAPS GO PAST OUTSIDE JESSICA [sighs, almost laughs] MANAGER [off slightly] Scotomaphobia? JESSICA [gasps] SOUND THUMP AS SHE RECOILS JESSICA What? Mr. Cramoisie? You - you startled me! SOUND CIGARETTE CRUSHED OUT MANAGER The fear of going blind. JESSICA Huh? Me? MANAGER I saw you run from the white stick. [chuckles] And I don't know a word for fear of a blind man. MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS TENTATIVELY JESSICA [clearly worried] Hello? ADRIENNE Jess? Is there something wrong? JESSICA [sigh of relief] No. Nothing. Glad to be home. SOUNDS STEPS COME IN, DOOR SHUTS SOUND REMOVING COAT, ETC. DANA I was just putting on some tea - want some? JESSICA No, thanks. Save me some water, though? ADRIENNE You and your cocoa. Come in here - we've got company. SOUND A FEW SLOW STEPS JESSICA Oh? Hello. GULES Ah. This must be your other roommate. Very pleased. Four such lovely ladies, [slightly ominous] all alone. CHRIS This is Detective Gules. That is Jessica. Sit down Jessie. JESSICA Detective? SOUND CHAIR CREAKS AS SHE SITS CHRIS He's investigating - um - [whispered] what I saw yesterday. GULES We suspect the murder she witnessed was gangster-related, and are concerned for her safety. Your safety, too. This isn't a very secure building. You don't even have grilles on the windows. DANA Pssht! We're six floors up! Who needs grilles! Here, Jess. Water-- SOUND MUG SET DOWN DANA And your precious cocoa. SOUND TIN SOUND SPOON DROPPED INTO MUG DANA [to the room, teasing] I wouldn't dare measure it for you. JESSICA [laughs] That's perfect, Dana, thanks. SOUND MIXES UP THE COCOA GULES I'm trying to convince Chris to let me take her into protection. [getting darker] We want to make sure she stays where we can put our hands on her. MUSIC SOUND PHONE PICKED UP JESSICA Hello? VOICE [harsh whisper] Four girls. Could be three. Or one. JESSICA Who is this? You're scaring me. VOICE Will it be you? JESSICA I'm hanging up now! SOUND PHONE SLAMMED DOWN DANA [worried] Jess? Who was that? JESSICA A heavy breather. You know the type. DANA I didn't even hear the phone ring. JESSICA Oh? Umm... I must have picked it up just as it was starting. Who did you think it was? DANA Oh, Michel. My brother. He's been asking for money again. JESSICA What's wrong this time? DANA Same old shit. Someone's going to break his legs. Someone's going to kill his dog. [disgusted noise] He ran through his half of the inheritance years ago. JESSICA And you don't feel sorry for him? DANA I felt one hundred thousand dollars sorry for him, and that was in the first month after he flushed all his cash down one toilet and another. Since then. [shrug] Not so damn sorry. MUSIC SOUND SNORING [Dr. Silver] SOUND PHONE RINGS SOUND PHONE PICKED UP SILVER [not awake] mmm Hello? JESSICA [on phone, hysterical] Doctor? Please? Something terrible has happened! SILVER [snapping awake, but still groggy] Jessica? Wha-what's going on? JESSICA [on phone] You have to come, Doctor! I need help! [backs off and screams] SOUND [on phone] PHONE DROPS, THUMPS A FEW TIMES. SOUND BED CLOTHES FLUNG OFF MUSIC SOUND DOC'S FEET COMING UP THE STAIRS, QUICKLY SILVER [reading door numbers] 601... 602...? JESSICA [moan] SILVER Jessica? What has happened? JESSICA D-doctor? SILVER Come out here. My god - what--? JESSICA A nosebleed. I - I get them sometimes. SILVER With the dreams? JESSICA Uh-huh. SILVER Why are you out here in the hall? JESSICA I didn't want to wake anyone. SILVER They're your friends. They will surely understand. Let's go inside. [suave] Maybe have some of your famous cocoa? JESSICA [small laugh] That would be nice. SILVER Invite me in? SOUND DOOR OPENS JESSICA You're invited. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, A SLIGHT SQUISH SILVER [slight shock] What? MUSIC JESSICA [sips, then] The dream was sooo bad this time. SILVER [grunt] JESSICA Then I found these-- SOUND SLAP OF LEATHER GLOVES JESSICA And suddenly everything started to be so real. But it can't be, can it? SILVER [grunt] JESSICA I hoped I would wake up, and the gloves would be gone, but here they are. SOUND GLOVES CREAK SILVER [agreeing grunt] JESSICA It's really good isn't it? Is it too hot for you? SILVER [slight overreaction negative grunt] JESSICA My father sent it. From the Netherlands. He's always somewhere else. I mean somewhere else from where I am, anyway. Did I tell you how my mother died? SILVER [negative] JESSICA She committed suicide when I was 5. I found her. Dr. Gelb says that's why I can't sleep. She says I can never forget my mother's dead eyes. SILVER Hmm? JESSICA They looked at me, but they weren't really her any more, you know? SILVER Hmm. JESSICA [briskly] But this is all beside the point. I'm so glad the girls are heavy sleepers. So we can talk. SILVER Mm-hmm. JESSICA [very important] I finally saw myself in the dream. SILVER Mmm? JESSICA I mean, I, in the killer's eyes, saw me - Jessica. Do you know how frightening that could be? The idea that I could not only watch myself be butchered, but that I would somehow be behind the eyes of the one doing it? SILVER [sigh] JESSICA [sips] SOUND SETS DOWN CUP, PICKS UP PIECE OF PAPER, STARTS FOLDING JESSICA Somehow, when I have a piece of paper in my hands, the dream fades into something that might have been on the television. SILVER Hmm. JESSICA [beat, then] Once Chris was dead, the killer must have pulled her back in. She was on the bed, starred with glass in the dark. Pink stars, catching the neon. SILVER Mmm. JESSICA I watch his black gloved hand push open my own bedroom door. I'm lying on the bed, tossing in my sleep. SILVER Umm. JESSICA The knife in my - his - hand leads me to the bed. To the woman. To me. SILVER Umm? JESSICA [agreeing] I know. SOUND [off slightly] DOOR SLAMS OPEN JESSICA What? COP1 [off] Oh my god! COP2 [off] [trying not to hurl] SOUND HER SQUISHY, STICKY BARE FOOTSTEPS JESSICA [way too calm, calling] Chris? Did you call for the police? [to the police] You should have knocked. COP1 What the hell? What... the ... hell! COP2 Is all that...blood? JESSICA What? Oh, the nosebleed. Sorry, I should have changed into something fresh. Would you like some cocoa? COP1 [calling back over his shoulder] Watch where you step! MUSIC SOUND GURNEY AFTER GURNEY BEING WHEELED OUT BEHIND THEM SOUND DOG BARKING DOWN THE HALL, KEEPS GOING COP1 It's bad, sir. COP2 You might want some shoe covers. DETECTIVE Who could have done such an awful thing? COP2 Someone crazy. Truly out of his mind. DETECTIVE Or her mind. COP1 Do you have any reason to suspect a woman? DETECTIVE [shrug] I suspect everyone. How many bodies? CORONER Four bodies. And one clinging to life. DETECTIVE And the smell? CORONER Rotting flesh. [long sniff] Been lying here several days, if I don't miss my guess. MUSIC end
once more, we return to the world of zombies.... Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson [warning - foul language] ******************************************************************* Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D. Cast List Fred - Leonard Streeper June - Melissa Bartell Dill - Mark Olson Chambers - Dave Marshall Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole Landon Frost - Chris Barnes Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson Doctor - James Sedgwick Nurse - Rachel Cavic Interviewer - Russell Gold Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com Cover art by Julie Hoverson INTERLUDES: Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard New Year's Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis Life Insurance - Joe Stofko Big Bob's - Richard Summers Lecturer - Robert Cudmore Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean "Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett Edna's Chum - M. Siero Garcia Scam - Rick Lewis Zombie Lib - Derek Koch Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can't you tell?" *************************************************************************************** Project Top Hat Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Landon Frost, TV show host Pamela Frost, his wife Fred and June Doctor Plasmus, top researcher Chambers - executive Dill - less important executive OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND computer and lab noises LANDON [on TV] I'm Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z word," we'll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog's kibble. FRED How can they feed zombies to dogs? JUNE Ambulates make the food - prepare it. It's illegal to terminate them without "just cause." FRED As opposed to "just cuz"? [laughs] JUNE Hah. That's what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited. LANDON [TV] You'll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I'll be tucked up at home with my family. JUNE He's always busy. Hardly ever gets to see them. FRED Oh, boo-hoo. This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy? JUNE Don't forget taking his shirt off... [chuckle] But he's also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela. FRED So? He could retire. JUNE Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him. SOUND DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF FRED [muttered exclamation] Oh shit! SOUND CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE LANDON [TV] I'll be meeting my wife in secret at‑‑ SOUND SWITCH, TV OFF DILL [coming in talking] We should be able to improve the bottom line. CHAMBERS AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability. We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray's... DILL Unfortunate accident? CHAMBERS [grim] Breakdown. DILL Ah. CHAMBERS I need your personal guarantee this won't come back to bite us in the butt. DILL If it does, my butt will have your back. CHAMBERS What? DILL uh... nothing. Dr. Plasmus is expecting us. CHAMBERS Plasmus? What kind of a name is that? DILL Dunno. I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets". Look what they've done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months. CHAMBERS [favorably impressed] MMmm. DILL And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat! SOUND DOOR OPENS SOUND MUSIC SCENE CHANGE TV DUDE [ON TV] Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates? ZOMBIE Grr. OLD LADY [pleased] Cricket! TV DUDE Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own? ZOMBIE2 [weird noise] MAN [smug] Cricket. TV DUDE Would you ever have them in the house without it? WOMAN Around my kids? Forget it! KIDS Just CRICKET! TV DUDE Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line. TV DUDE [quiet, rushed] Results may vary. Some side effects may occur. No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product. Not available in all areas. [up] Get Cricket today! Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation. SOUND MUSIC SOUND WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN SOUND ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES PLASMUS You're early. DILL Uh, no. It's - um - six? PLASMUS It is? Hmm. Well, just let me finish this, and-- SOUND BIG ZAP CHAMBERS What are you working on? PLASMUS Shh! DILL [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn't multitask. CHAMBERS What? SOUND ONE FINAL ZAP PLASMUS Done. He means I do not work and talk. When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole. CHAMBERS Uh, right. So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now? DILL Gestalt isn't-- CHAMBERS I KNOW. PLASMUS It was a bit of a joke? [small dry chuckle] Am I right? CHAMBERS Yeah. PLASMUS I thought as much. I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped. Oh well. Could be MUCH worse. I could have an atrophied hippocampus! [laughs riotously] DILL Uh, yeah. [toady laugh] CHAMBERS That would be unfortunate, indeed. PLASMUS [stops laughing suddenly] But you are not here for pleasantries. You are here to see what I have wrought! CHAMBERS Aha! So that's the smell in here. PLASMUS What? CHAMBERS Rot? PLASMUS [laughs] MUSIC SCENE CHANGE to TV LANDON What the fuck do you think you're doing? You can't have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat'ry brush! They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off? Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your fucking kibble? SOUND MUSIC DILL So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint] PLASMUS Have you forgotten the name again? DILL [uncomfortable] No. no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory. PLASMUS You should have warned me. [sigh] It is project top hat for a very simple reason-- SOUND METAL CLANK CHAMBERS It looks like a top hat. Original. DILL And what does it do...? [hinting] PLASMUS Stop doing that. DILL Sorry. PLASMUS [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things. DILL [muttered] Zombies want things too. That's part of the problem. PLASMUS Shush. It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood". CHAMBERS None of this is news. PLASMUS I am setting it up. So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn't that improve their value? CHAMBERS [interested] Yessss.... DILL Of course. PLASMUS So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse's brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands. CHAMBERS You specify "Corpse"? PLASMUS [pleased] Ah, you caught that. [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate. DILL You've seen the courtroom reality shows. MUSIC COURT REPORT We'll catch the plaintiff as she leaves. Missus Feinman, Missus Feinman? How do you feel about the jury's ruling? MISSUS Act of god, my eye! My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he's stuck. MISTER [zombie moan] MISSUS I can't even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies. [sniffles] COURT REPORT [bland] You have our sympathy, I'm sure. In just a moment, we'll speak to the doctor and his attorney. MUSIC PLASMUS So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects. CHAMBERS And--? PLASMUS Remove the head. Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it. CHAMBERS You remove the head? [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh. The Top Hat. PLASMUS I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive. Yes. The unit replaces the so-called "mind", by which we truly mean the physical brain, giving the animated carcass sensory input, all the while leaving complete control with the human controller. CHAMBERS Can the body re-animate, without the head? PLASMUS Do you know how the ambi-twist works? CHAMBERS The what? DILL [muttered] The T virus. PLASMUS No, no! That is a trademarked name and cannot be used without possible reprisal! DILL Sorry! That's what most people [call it]. PLASMUS I don't want to hear it! Besides, the ambi-twist does not make ravenous beasts. Animates are gentle. Like kittens. MUSIC COMMERCIAL AMB GROCERY SHOPPING SUSY Gee, mommy, Rolf pushes the cart real well, don't he? MOMMY That reminds me! We need to pick up some chum! ROLF [eager zombie noise] SUSY He knows THAT word! ANNOUNCER Of course he does, but can he tell the difference between Champion Chum and the bargain brand? MOMMY Is there a difference? ANNOUNCER Just ask Rolf! ROLF [sticky zombie eating noises] SUSY [laughing] Oh Rolf! ANNOUNCER Every zombie, every day, chooses Champion brand chum! MUSIC CHAMBERS They're tame enough with the cricket. If they were naturally docile, we wouldn't need it. PLASMUS And with the top hat, there will be no need for the cricket. Let me show you. SOUND CAGE OPENS CHAMBERS [horrified reaction] Oh! DILL ugh [bland] PLASMUS This stray dog was humanely euthanized, and the top hat was immediately attached-- SOUND COMPUTERIZED BARK PLASMUS We had to use a fairly large dog, so the top hat unit wouldn't overbalance it. It was designed for a human frame-- SOUND COMMOTION OUTSIDE PLASMUS What is this? SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN JACKIE All of you! Over by the wall! [to june and fred] Get in there! FRED Right, of course. JUNE Excuse me. Just - um - going through. CHAMBERS Who the devil are you? JACKIE I'm the one with the gun! And I said over by the wall! DILL She means it. Move it! Move it move it move it.... PLASMUS But the dog-- SOUND COMPUTERIZED BARK SOUND GUN SHOT INTO CEILING JACKIE And don't get any funny ideas. I'm not alone. CHAMBERS [reasonable and placating] Tell us what you want. JACKIE [almost a yell] I want you all over by that wall! SOUND COMPUTERIZED BARK DILL Already here! JUNE Me too! PLASMUS Allow me to-- [take the dog] JACKIE Leave that poor thing! SOUND COMPUTERIZED BARK JACKIE That is exactly the kind of horrid monster we're here to put an end to. PLASMUS Ah. Activists. [chuckling] CHAMBERS Don't mock the woman with the gun! PLASMUS Oh. Of course. JACKIE And what's behind here? PLASMUS No! Don't! It's not ready yet! CHAMBERS What IS it? SOUND CURTAIN OPENS JACKIE Mother of god! MUSIC SCENE CHANGE, AND then WUSSY POPSTAR I know all of you have heard and most of you have enjoyed my hit single "walking away with my heart" about the plight of the ambulate. ZOMBIE [pathetic moan] POPSTAR Too many of these poor once-human creatures are abused, neglected, and sometimes even abandoned to fend for themselves - forced to sell their bodies, bit by horrible bit, for the chum they need to survive. Can't you spare just a little - the price of a cup of coffee - to help? MUSIC CHAMBERS Just tell us your demands, and let's get on with this. JACKIE [horrified] What have you done to this man? PLASMUS It is not a man. It is a corpse. JACKIE It's moving. PLASMUS There's no one there. As you can see, the computer has taken the place of its entire head, thus removing all chance of-- CHAMBERS [hissed, annoyed] You didn't say you'd already done this to a human - [correcting himself] a human corpse, that is. PLASMUS I simply hadn't got to that part of the presentation, yet. JACKIE [distracted and horrified] But why? FRED Hi-YAH! SOUND THUMP, SCUFFLE DILL Wow. SOUND GUN GOES OFF DILL Stay back! JUNE [indecisive but encouraging] Get her, Fred! SOUND SCUFFLE ENDS FRED Got her. PLASMUS Can I have her as a specimen? JACKIE You can't do that to me! PLASMUS Of course we could. We simply record that you died in an attack on our security, and your corpse will be ...recycled. JACKIE NO! CHAMBERS That's a bit much, isn't it? PLASMUS [quiet] Drat. [up] Heh-heh. Of course. Just a bit of - intimidation. Hah. Hah. DILL Right. PLASMUS What this young lady doesn't seem to understand is that there are many people who don't wish to return as a shambling, slow, and stupid ambulate. Many would rather know that their mind - their "soul" - had been allowed to pass on. JACKIE How the hell do you think you're doing that? PLASMUS Cutting off the head. The body is still useful - as you can see. It can be of service to the living. JACKIE The soul isn't in the brain. The soul is - the soul. It will stay around no matter what. PLASMUS [derisive laugh] MUSIC SOUND PARTY! BRANDON And we're here on the dead side with the new years crowd! They start a week early, since they know it'll take 'em that long to arrive! Whoo! ARIA And the hottest thing this year is head swaps! BRANDON [prompting, not really questioning] Head swaps, Aria? ARIA That's right, Brandon! You know how zombies can cut off and attach body parts? They recently discovered that they can swap heads! They say it's totally the ultimate! BRANDON Unless they sew it on backwards! Man, that would be a pain in the ass! ARIA Yeah, but at least you could see your ass! BOTH [LAUGH] MUSIC CHAMBERS Where's security when you need them? JUNE I just called them, sir. Apparently, they've had a number of ...insurrections. DILL Must be how she slipped by. JACKIE You won't get anything from me! PLASMUS I suppose you two will have to take her to the security office for detention. FRED Gotcha. JUNE Oh, me? Oh all right. SOUND SHE CROSSES JUNE What was it she was looking at, anyway? [horrified gasp!] PLASMUS What's wrong? JUNE [too quick, very nervous] Nothing! I just thought it - he - it - moved. PLASMUS Nonsense. I haven't even woken the unit yet. Get along. JUNE [still nervous] Yes, yes of course! Come on! FRED What's wrong? JUNE [growl] Post traumatic stress! Get moving! SOUND THEY LEAVE PLASMUS Some people simply cannot handle pressure. Come have a look at my human automaton. CHAMBERS [slightly suspicious] He looks ... fresh. DILL Nice physique! CHAMBERS You didn't - uh - kill him, did you, doc? PLASMUS [laughs flatly] No. He was killed in a car wreck, this afternoon. His legs sustained some damage, but mostly superficial, and his head was completely severed. CHAMBERS How did you get him so quickly? The notice to the family won't even go through-- PLASMUS [pissed] I could not wait for petty family concerns when this perfect specimen fell into my very lap! And he is perfect! DILL Ew. PLASMUS So I snatched him out of the hospital upstairs. Besides. He is an organ donor. MUSIC INSURANCE Do you wonder about your insurance coverage? Concerned that you may some day cease to be human, and therefore void your policy? We here at Practical Undead National Trust can fix that for you. For only a few dollars a day, you, too, can have coverage that extends beyond the expiration of the body. MUSIC SOUND HALLWAY, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS FRED Whew. Should we go back, do you think? JUNE [still bothered] I - I don't know. FRED OK, what's going on? JUNE Oh, Fred! This is horrible! FRED It was just a gun. I don't think she would have shot either of us anyway. JUNE Not that. FRED Then what? JUNE That body back in the lab? That perfectly sculpted torso? Did you see that tattoo on the shoulder? FRED Not my type. Sorry. JUNE [very important and horrible] THAT was‑‑ [cut off with a gasp] SOUND DOOR OPENS MUSIC LANDON [outside, loud over background noise] You would think this was a prime place for ambulates - garbage reclamation. SOUND CRUNCHING EQUIPMENT LANDON They don't mind bad smells, can't catch diseases -- and yet, most of the workers hired on at this particular municipal tip don't stay. Let's find out why. MUSIC CHAMBERS [gritted teeth] What do we do if there's a lawsuit? PLASMUS [shrug] If they push it, there is an incinerator in the basement, and as long as we first remove the computer unit, the organic evidence could be reduced to ashes in a matter of hours. CHAMBERS [annoyed, but not knowing] Do you even know who this person - corpse - is? PLASMUS [shrug] I read the driver's license. Why? DILL [confident] We'll fabricate records. Show it was cremated by mistake. Apologize. Give the widow some ashes and a check. CHAMBERS Sounds like you've done this before. DILL [smug] Things... happen. MUSIC BOB Come on down to Big Bob's bob-o-rama for the finest in pre-owed ambulates! We have 'em all from this big brute for heavy lifting-- ZOMBIE [deep moan] BOB To this hot little number, [hinting] nice for in-house work. GIRL ZOMBIE [sexy moan?] BOB Come on down this weekend, and my own gramma, an ambulate herself, will be here with her special milk and cookies! Trade-ins are always given full greybook value. MUSIC NURSE I'm so sorry. There's been a little mixup. He's... um... missing. PAMELA [low snarl] As god is my witness, if my husband's body turns up somewhere - anywhere - on a celebrity zombie show, I will personally sue you, the hospital, Tammuz, and anyone else our lawyers can think of! NURSE But I-- DOCTOR What seems to be the problem? PAMELA Are you the person I should be screaming at? DOCTOR Well, I don't know about that-- PAMELA Then you best point me at the right one, since some screaming is well overdue. DOCTOR Just tell me - calmly - what this is about. NURSE It's her husband. PAMELA My husband's BODY, you mean! [starting to move from anger into tears] I was informed of his accident, that he was declared [suppressed sob] dead at the scene, and when I come to claim him... [deep breath, furious snarl] He's missing. NURSE I'm sure it's just a paperwork snafu. PAMELA AND I know how some of you bastards are about selling celebrity corpses! Don't think you can pull that crap on me! DOCTOR Celebrity? What was -uh, is - your husband's name? MUSIC SOUND ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON This fucking pisses me off no end - look at that poor bastard. SOUND ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON Look at this hand. Three fingers gone, from a bloody hazardous environment. [up] They may not be human any more, but you sons-of-bitches still have to look after these beggars! MUSIC JUNE Landon Frost! FRED What? JUNE I swear it was! It's the snowflake on his shoulder. He got it for his wife! FRED Oh. That can't be good. Should we ... tell them? JUNE Well...he IS dead. Nothing'll change that. SOUND DOOR OPENS, MANY FEET COME STORMING IN PAMELA I already have Landon's private security at all your exits, and will personally go through each and every room until I find him - so you might as well hand him over. DOCTOR But, but.. PAMELA First, you are taking Big bill, here, and I down to your bloody incinerator -and don't try to tell me you don't have one. DOCTOR Why? PAMELA So no one has access to destroy the [falters] the ...evidence. SOUND DOOR OPENS, THEY PASS OUT AGAIN FRED Is that--? JUNE [fatalistic] Oh boy! MUSIC LECTURER We must stop treating ambulates as objects and start treating them as people - people very nearly like you and me. With a bit of practice, anyone can speak clearly and slowly enough for a zombie to pick up on it. SOUND ZOMBIE MOAN LECTURER If we could only follow the moans and groans of a group of zombies, I'm sure complete and fascinating conversations are going on, right under our disinterested human noses. MUSIC DILL [on phone] So soon? Well, I guess we move on to plan B. [pause] She is? [upset] oh. SOUND PHONE DOWN CHAMBERS What is it? DILL I - they-- PLASMUS Quiet, please! Time to turn it on! DILL This may actually be a very bad... thing SOUND A COUPLE OF ZAPS SOUND RUSTLE CHAMBERS Is that it? PLASMUS Do you need me to shout "it's alive"? LANDON [computer noise, not quite speech] DILL Ohhhh boy. CHAMBERS Does that thing make it able to talk? LANDON [machine, more gobbledygook] PLASMUS Ambulates have always been able to talk. They simply operate on a much slower scale than we do. It is something about the brain synapses, the ambi-twist simply cannot get them back to normal speed. DILL [prompt] They're how much slower than humans? PLASMUS I said not to do that. DILL I was just asking,. Really. PLASMUS They operate somewhere between 20 and 50% slower than humans. That is why they have to be spoken to slowly. LANDON [machine] Fuck you! PLASMUS [chuckles] Or not. DILL [gasp] Is it supposed to do that? CHAMBERS I thought you said that removing the head should negate the personality. PLASMUS I'm sure it is just something programmed in. My computer expert has quite a sense of humor. LANDON [machine] What the hell is going on? PLASMUS [worried now] Or... not. DILL This was supposed to make it docile! CHAMBERS At least the thing is tied down. SOUND RIP OF RESTRAINTS PLASMUS [frightened] Or... not! MUSIC TEACHER Turn to page 40. The chapter on the ambi-twist. Amy, will you start? [grade school students, who read more or less well] AMY The ambi-twist was a genetic modification first pioneered by Tammuz Corporation. BOBBY With the best of intentions, this benevolent corporation was trying to help people. CORA To overcome the issues with tissue rejection and make transplants one hundred percent successful. DESMOND But the ambi-twist went a bit awry. [after a pause] ELLIE [whispered] You have to read more. DESMOND nuh-uh. Not my fault it's a short sentence. ELLIE Fine! [ahem] The ambi-twist altered the genetic makeup of the intended cells, yes, but it did not stop there, instead running amok through the entire body and giving the cells a life of their own. FRANK Most of the population now carries the ambi-twist virus, which has little to no effect on them ... during their lifetime. DESMOND [spooky noise] ooo-OO-oo EVERYONE [joking zombie groans] MUSIC NOTE LANDON IS COMPUTERIZED FROM HERE ON OUT LANDON Why so gob-smacked? Where the fuck am I? SOUND THUMP GETTING OUT OF BED, FOOTSTEPS PLASMUS This is very bad. DILL It's coming over. Let me guess, it can see and hear through the computer unit too? PLASMUS [wry] Of course. What use is a unit that bumps into walls and can't follow orders? LANDON Is anyone planning to answer me? CHAMBERS Look, you. You've died and are now property. Just lay back and shut up. DILL Oh boy. LANDON No, you look here, you lump of festering dog turd! If I were dead, and I don't believe it for a minute - I have very specific contingencies in my will. PLASMUS [chuckles] Speaking of contingencies-- SOUND SHOTGUN RACKING PLASMUS I would call this experiment a conditional success. SOUND SHOTGUN BLAST MUSIC HUSHED MC And the ambulate "Gracie's darling" is now approaching the steps. This is a level three hazard, since it typically takes an ambulate several tries. Oh! She's on the first step! Very nicely corrected a stumble and managed to stick the second step. Ah, but she's faltering -- Momentum can only carry one SO far, and this is where balance truly comes into play. [gareth bowley] MUSIC SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT CHAMBERS Holy cow! PLASMUS [gleeful] Did you see how fast it was? DILL You mean when it walked off with your shotgun? I thought we were done for! CHAMBERS Looked like it nearly took your hand off, too. PLASMUS [dismissive] It's broken, It's fine. [up] We must follow it! CHAMBERS Get security on all the doors! DILL On it. PLASMUS Try not to hurt it! CHAMBERS Belay that order. Take that thing down at all costs. And definitely before it leaves the building! MUSIC SURVIVALIST1 I don't care how many times they take this feed down and report me - I ain't gonna stand by and let them goddamn walking dead take over. Since every one of us as dies turns into one of them, ain't no way we can keep ahead unless we thin the herd a bit. SURVIVALIST2 Hell yeah. Now on the chart behind me, you see a human-- SURVIVALIST1 or zombie-- SURVIVALIST2 right, "or zombie," body with various areas marked in red. Those are your standard targets, right there. The head is, of course, the primary, since the bastards won't stop walking without that being gone. SURVIVALIST1 Even that don't put 'em down right away, but if you can get it GONE-- SURVIVALIST2 Sure is funny to watch them bump into walls, in't it? BOTH [laugh] MUSIC AMB HALLWAY SOUND ALARMS, RUNNING FEET IN DISTANCE JUNE Why do I suddenly feel like a job change? FRED I'll help with the resume. Let's scat. SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH JUNE Oh shit! [dragging him out of the way] Over here! LANDON Run, you little buggers! I'll blow your fucking pop stand wide open! FRED Holy crap! JUNE Ssh! Maybe it won't notice us! LANDON What are you looking at? FRED Too late! JUNE Please don't hurt us! LANDON Hurt? HURT? I'm going to ruin you snotty little gits! FRED Ruin, I can live with. SECURITY Stop right there! SOUND ASSORTED ZOMBIE MOANS JUNE Sock troops! LANDON [machine] Is this some kind of a sick joke? Turning THEM against ME? SECURITY Lay down the weapon and come along quietly, Top Hat. FRED Top hat? What is he, a Batman villain? MUSIC MOVIE ANNOUNCER He was a normal boring man. NORMAL MAN Hey honey - be late tonight. MOVIE ANNOUNCER With a normal boring Life. NORMAL MAN Yes, sir, I can get that done for you this afternoon. MOVIE ANNOUNCER Until the day he died. NORMAL MAN Excuse me - I feel - my chest - urk. SOUND THUMP, DROP PHONE, ERROR TONE MOVIE ANNOUNCER Now he was to work his way back to the top, against all odds... Coming soon-- NORMAL MAN [zombie moan] MOVIE ANNOUNCER --A NORMAL MAN starring Justin Bieber and an undead Jim Carrey. MUSIC JUNE [up, yelling] We're not with him! LANDON Toady. JUNE We DO work at Tammuz. LANDON This is Tammuz? SECURITY You have a count of 5 to put down the shotgun. ONE. [continues] TWO. THREE. FOUR. FRED Haven't you noticed the logo everywhere? LANDON My vision is ... strange. [musing] Tammuz. The one place I could never get into... FRED Not surprising. SECURITY FIVE! Get him! JUNE They won't shoot in here - too many things might blow up. LANDON What? Helping me? JUNE I love - loved your show. LANDON Don't be surprised if I'm back on the air soon. SOUND HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE FRED Ow! JUNE What the heck? SECURITY I said get him, you maggoty turds! Why are you stopping? LANDON huh. Funny how I knew to do that. MUSIC NOTE Ad also plays, under, at very slow speed - for the ambulates watching. EDNA Edna's chum on the go! Whenever you're out and about, and no time to get home and feed the ambulate in your life, drop round to Edna's Chum. We have the best quality, tastiest chum around - hot and fresh, just like mother might have made. Available for dine-in, drive through and even delivery! MUSIC PLASMUS They have him cornered in sector five, west corridor! Checkpoint X-14. I must reclaim the unit after they take the body down. SOUND PHONE RINGS DILL I'll catch up. You guys go on ahead. CHAMBERS Hah! You're not weaseling out that easily. DILL One sec [to phone] Yeah? Oh brilliant. That's just the cherry on top. SOUND HANGS UP CELL DILL [annoyed] Guess what? PLASMUS [threat] I have a taser here somewhere-- DILL Okay! Okay! There's a woman upstairs demanding her husband's body. And because this night isn't deep enough in the shit, I have a feeling she's related to-- CHAMBERS Oh IS she? [chuckles] We might be seeing daylight. Come on. MUSIC NIGERIAN SCAM With reverence I am contacting you. I hope you will overlook my poor typistry. I am a recently deceased individual that managed to conceal a large sum of money before joining rank one of the walking dead. MUSIC SECURITY Tell me you saw that, too. FRED You mean how he just, like, whistled and all the zombies trotted off after him like the pied piper of Hamlet? JUNE Hamlin. SECURITY Yeah, that. Good. Now when I make my report, you two can back me up. FRED Oh, uh-- We were actually leaving. SECURITY I don't think so. JUNE Not Leaving leaving. We have to get back to our -uh- posts. SECURITY That's different. I'll give you an escort. FRED Oh, boy. SOUND DISTANT FOOTSTEPS PAMELA You! You there! I want a word with you! FRED Us? JUNE Him. you. SECURITY Oh, me. Yes ma'am? PAMELA You look like someone in charge here. You will tell me where my husband's body is! JUNE Oh that. He went thataway. PAMELA WHAT? MUSIC ZOMBIE LIB If you can understand this, you are one of us, my zombie brother or sister. Come to the house with three crescent moons over the door, and we will guide you safely to our side of the wall. Liberty for all! MUSIC SOUND SHOTGUN SHOT INTO CEILING LANDON I'm done fucking around. You let us past, or the next shot brings you to OUR bloody side! COP I can't! I-- the door is on autolock! Please, uh, mister - I got a wife and kids-- LANDON You stupid little shit! I have - had a wife to, but whatever genius did this-- PAMELA [off a bit] Landon? LANDON Oh my god. Pamela? PAMELA What did they-- [more concerned than panic] your head! LANDON It's some insane experiment. I'm dead. PAMELA You can still see and hear me? [wonder] But you're not slowed? LANDON Yes, I-- [REMEMBER STUPID ZOMBIE DOG ALL THIS TIME] COP Sorry, sir, but I have to-- SOUND SHOT ZOMBIEDOG Leaps in the way of the bullet, body drops and hat goes flying, COP Oh, shit. LANDON Give me a minute, dear. PAMELA [furious] Give me your gun. LANDON No need. SOUND WHISTLE ZOMBIES [attack] COP I was - I didn't - oh! LANDON Poor stupid animal. PAMELA If not for that thing, you'd be dead. LANDON I'll take this. SOUND PICKS UP TOP HAT CHAMBERS [coming in] No, we'll take that. Both of them, in fact. MUSIC ZOMBIE MAN Look at me. Now look at your zombie. Now look back at me. Your zombie will never look as good as me, but it can smell as good as me, with special deodorant soap from--[danar?] MUSIC FRED [quiet] back away, quietly. JUNE [quiet] If we can just get past the corner... LANDON Who the fuck do you think you are? FRED Helps that he's keeping their attention. CHAMBERS We're the owners of that gadget you're currently wearing, and we want it back. YOU, on the other hand, are expendable. LANDON And you think I'm afraid of your gun? If anyone knows how durable the undead are, I should bloody well think it was me. FRED [quiet] I'm clear! JUNE Just a bit more... SOUND GUNSHOT CHAMBERS The next one goes into HER. JUNE [off] Her? [gasp, then relieved] Oh - her - his wife. LANDON You wouldn't. PLASMUS You might want to consider-- CHAMBERS Shut up - this is all your fault anyway. PLASMUS But-- LANDON Get behind me, dearest. PAMELA He can't be mad enough to shoot me! CHAMBERS Oh, I'm flipping furious, lady! LANDON She doesn't mean that kind of "MAD", you festering moronic baboon! MUSIC INTERVIEWER We have an interview with someone actually on the scene. What precisely was going on? JUNE It was pandemonium! The ambulates were just walking away after the ... uh, stranger. Interviewer Like the pied piper of hamlin? JUNE Or like spartacus. FRED And when Mr. Chambers - I mean the defendant - shot Mrs. Frost-- JUNE We're not supposed to talk about that! FRED That's why they're pixilating our faces, isn't it? JUNE That's next week's interveiw - this one is live! FRED Oh shit. Oh! INTERVIEWER Now that you've started, you might as well finish. What happened next? JUNE [exasperated sigh] There goes our exclusive! MUSIC SOUND GUNSHOT LANDON Bastards! SOUND HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND ZOMBIE MOANS IN RESPONSE LANDON [snarl] Bring me THAT one! PLASMUS Which? Oh! CHAMBERS Stay back! PAMELA [expiring] Landon? It hurts! LANDON Hold on, dearest. Keep breathing. SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND ZOMBIE MOANS CHAMBERS Get out of my way, you maggots! FRED Come ON, June! JUNE I have to see how it ends! SOUND GUN SHOT JUNE [gasp] Or not! SOUND ZOMBIES MOAN PLASMUS Let go! don't touch me! Ew! Does anyone have some purell? PAMELA [very weak] Landon? What- [gasp] what are you thinking? LANDON Is it hard to implant the top hat device? PLASMUS It's quite simple really - the connections are made remotely inside the wiring, so the longer it is on, the more enmeshed the interfaces become-- LANDON Take this. SOUND CLANG OF DOG'S UNIT PLASMUS What do you--? [realizing] Oh. MUSIC INTERVIEWER But the zombies didn't harm Mr. Chambers? JUNE He wanted - Landon wanted for him to stand in a human court for trial. FRED He said something about rotting in hell, but his accent was getting really thick. JUNE He was crying! FRED He's a computer. I mean, the voice, at least, is computerized. Why would it get choked up? INTERVIEWER [to camera] Even now, Chambers is standing trial for the murder of Mrs. Pamela Frost. While the videographic evidence is very convincing, the lack of an actual body has been a point hammered on by the defense. MUSIC SOUND CRACKLE of STATIC, THEN FOCUS SOUND [both are clearly computerized] LANDON Can't broadcast too long, don't want you to trace us. PAMELA We want to reach out to everyone who has been affected by the blight that is Tammuz. LANDON Know this - relief is coming soon. For now, just walk away, wherever you are. We'll find you. PAMELA And Merry Christmas, everyone. SOUND HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND ZOMBIE MOANS FILL SOUNDSCAPE END
Ben and Mia, young zombies in love, search for the perfect xmas present in a world of the walking dead. Cast List Mia - Brenda Dau Ben - Derek M. Koch of Mail Order Zombie Geek - Glen Hallstrom Tick - Frankenvox Chuck - Bob Noble Andy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Doris - Julie Hoverson Sheri - Crystal Thomson Ted - J. Spyder Isaacson Voicebox - Beverly Poole Fred & Bob - Big Anklevich & Rish Outfield of Dunesteef Audio Magazine Ben's Double - Danar Hoverson Mia's Double - Julie Hoverson Other zombies: Al Aseoche, Jacquie Duckworth, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Jack Hosley, Sidney Williams, Glen Hallstrom, Bob Noble, Brian Weingartner, Ferguson and family, Robyn Keyes, Kim Poole, Michael Hudson. Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com) Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment on the wrong side of town, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************************************** GIFT OF THE ZOMBI Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Mia, zombie (20s) dating Ben Ben, zombie (20s) dating Mia Ted, zombie (30s), Mia's horny neighbor Andy, henpecked zombie (40s) Doris, Andy's wife (40s) Geek, a broker (30s) Sheri, a lovelorn friend (20s) Tick, an unscrupulous intact (human, 30s) Fred, a zombie (any) Bob, another zombie (any) Chuck, overseer zombie (any) Voicebox - mechanical translator ALL ZOMBIES (unless noted as exceptions, below) have dual vocal tracks - the "zombie-voice" track, which is unintelligible, but vaguely mirrors the normal voice and events, and the "mind voice" (sounds like a voiceover), which is how they sound to each other. /n = normal"mind voice" /z = "zombie voice" There are places where we only hear the zoombie voice. Exceptions: DORIS has no "mind voice", just incoherent shrieks GEEK only has a zombie voice, but he is clearly understandable, if still zombie-like TICK is human, and has no zombie-voice. NOTE: The zombie apocalypse has come and been dealt with more or less. Zombies might still attack humans, if they see them, but humans tend to live in the walled cities and have become somewhat mythological to the zombies outside. Zombies still are self-aware, but they think and speak so very slowly that they are difficult for humans to understand. Conversely, to a zombie, humans seem to speak incredibly fast - almost incomprehensibly so. That's why humans developed the voicebox to take what they say and slow it down enough for a zombie to understand. OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a crumbling apartment building, can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1. MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND WIND-UP ALARM GOES OFF SOUND FLIES IN THE B/G THROUGHOUT MIA/Z [distant moan of awakening, which continues, sporadically, punctuating the narrative] MIA/n I hate Mondays. SOUND ALARM SLAPPED OFF TABLE, STOPS RINGING SOUND STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS MUSIC VAGUE WARPED CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS SOMEWHERE MIA/n It doesn't help that it's two days til Christmas and I haven't got Ben his present. MIA/z [roar of anger] SOUND SOMETHING CRASHES TO FLOOR, GLASS BREAKS. MIA/N The holidays just bring out the worst in me. SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE MIA/N [sigh] Checking my stitches in the mirror - nice to see nothing weird happened in the night. I love the hot pink against my pale skin. [beat] I know I'm swimming against the tide, but I still like to look nice, even when no one else gives a hang. They're welcome to run around unwashed, in raggedy-ass clothes, just leaves more Prada for me. SOUND SPRAY CAN PSSHT, FLIES STOP, TINY DROPPING NOISES MIA/n A little spray - no water, that's just asking for mold - and I'm ready to face the day. SOUND [under the next] SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS OUT OF BATHROOM AGAIN, STRUGGLES FEET INTO SHOES, NOW SHAMBLING FEET ARE IN HEELS. MIA/n Ben's gift is the big problem. I know what I want to get him, but it won't come cheap. There just aren't that many floating around out there. MUSIC SCENE 2. OUTSIDE SOUND NO TRAFFIC. JUST BIRDS, SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS, OR OCCASIONAL BREAKING THINGS. SOUND STRUGGLE WITH OBJECTS, THINGS FALL AWAY BEN/z [moans, fighting his way to his feet] BEN/n [hungover sounding] Wow, what did I do last night? BEN/z [shake head noise] BEN/n Oh, crap - Mia'll be expecting me-- SOUND SHAMBLING FEET SPEED UP BEN/n For all her persnickityness, Mia is totally the greatest babe around, and I am sooo lucky that I'm the one she's into. I figured for the longest time that she was just slumming with a grot like me - right up until we really did it. Went whole hog and did the handfast. It's like always having a piece of her with me. [note: in this case, the handfast was actually trading hands. zombies can buy and sell body parts and trade them with one another] ANDY/z [morning] BEN/z [yo! How's it going?] ANDY/z [falling moan, ending in a squeal] BEN/n Don't I know it! Man, if ever a guy was whipped, Andy is the poster boy. He's gonna catch hell for not getting home to Doris last night. Almost tempting to stay and see the fray, but meeting Mia is the only thing on my maggoty little mind right now. MUSIC SCENE 3. MIA'S STAIRCASE SOUND BODY FALLS DOWN STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY THE CLATTER OF A SHOE. MIA/z [distraught moan] MIA/n Darn stair carpet. Darn heels. SOUND FEELING AROUND FOR THE SHOE AND PUTTING IT BACK ON MIA/n Alas, vanity doesn't come cheap. Ben loves my little foibles. He understands why it matters so much to me, to be beautiful for him. Looking back at my pink stitches, almost tripping as I crane my neck to see, I wonder whether he will like them as much as I do. SOUND SHAMBLING FEET IN HEELS AGAIN, ANOTHER SET OF FEET COMES ON TED/z [moan approaches, vaguely suggestive] MIA/z [dismissive moan] MIA/n Not today, Ted. I don't have time for any of your nonsense. TED/z [moan ending in a squeak/question] MIA/n I'm with Ben, Ted. You know that. I'm not giving up what I have with him. He has my hand, and my promise. He even has my heart ... just in the old-fashioned way. TED/z [mournful and pissed moan] MIA/n Yeah, yeah, yeah - if you were the last one on earth, maybe. MIA/z [roar/moan as she brushes him aside] SOUND STUMBLING FEET QUICKLY TO DOOR, SLAMS OPEN, TUMBLES THROUGH MIA/z [roar of triumph] MIA/N First time!! [made it on the first try!] This is gonna be a great day! MUSIC SCENE 4. OUTSIDE, NEAR BEN ANDY/z [cursing groan] ANDY/n Come on, Ben. Doris likes you! If I say you needed my help, she'll buy it! BEN/z [dismissive groan] SOUND SHAMBLING FEET MOVING AWAY, STUMBLING AFTER ANDY/z [dude] ANDY/N Dude! Come on-- DORIS/z [distant strident squeal] ANDY/n Oh, crap! SOUND SOMETHING WET SPLATS ON PAVEMENT, THEN DISTANT FEET APPROACHING ANDY/z [strange gurgling warble] ANDY/n [sigh] I lose more tongues that way. DORIS/z [strident squeal, closer] MUSIC SCENE 5. OUTSIDE NEAR MIA'S BUILDING SOUND HIGH HEEL SHAMBLE MIA/z [low moan] GEEK/z [he speaks clear enough to understand, but still zombie-like] [hey, fingers!] MIA/z [quizzical] MIA/n Yeah, what's it to you? GEEK/z [you got any to spare?] MIA/n No! I like mine right where they are. GEEK/z [get you a good price. Fingers are always top value.] MIA/z [sharp moan of anger] MIA/n Look - these five are my boyfriend's, and this one says-- MIA/z [fuck you] GEEK/z [you'll be back [louder] they always come back!!] MIA/n Damn parts brokers - [jealous] always have the best tongues. MUSIC SCENE 6. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note: throughout the rest of the show, unless otherwise noted, appropriate zombie noises play under] MIA [calling] Hey babycakes! BEN [off] Yo sweet thang! SOUND PLODDING FOOTSTEPS COME TOGETHER MIA Mm. Missed you! BEN Double that. SOUND DISGUSTING SLOPPY LICKY KISSY NOISES MIA [mild slurp, then hot] You are such a good kisser. BEN Don't know how I'd get up each day without you to look forward to. MIA [giggles] BEN Let's walk. Want to show you something. MIA Oh? Well, I've got a little time before hitting the old treadmill. BEN You know I'd support you if I could-- MIA I like looking after my own needs. [flirting] Leaves you to look after my wants. BEN Ooh! MUSIC SCENE 7. OUTSIDE, NEAR STORE SOUND PLODDING FEET MIA I should have worn more convenient shoes. BEN Sorry! Almost there. MIA What is...it...? [awe] Oh! BEN I thought you might say that. Just saw them. Of course, they're not cheap. MIA [drooling -- zombie noises under get really slobbery] Patent leather, thigh high - oh, I'd never have to take them off! BEN The heels aren't too high, are they? MIA [sigh of ecstasy] I love stacks... MUSIC SCENE 8. OUTSIDE, Later BEN [bummed] I was right, she loved the boots. ANDY And how much did you say they were? BEN More than I've had in living memory. ANDY At any one time? BEN EVER. ANDY Woah. Well, suppose you can hit the mills like the rest of us schmoes - if you're truly that desperate. BEN [scoff noise] The mills? It'd take me ten years - and they'd probably sell by then. ANDY What, then? Go out snatching? That's pretty much your only other option. BEN [sighs] I thought I might ask around, see what I could borrow-- ANDY Woah, there! You know Doris holds the purse strings! BEN If I was going to snatch anyone, I'd snatch her - she's got enough body for three. ANDY [musing] You know... That's not a bad idea. BEN [disturbed] Serious? ANDY Nah. I'd fall apart without her keeping me moving. I guess that's love. BEN [agreeing hmph] MUSIC SCENE 9. TREADMILLS SOUND HEAVY WHIRRING NOISE UNDER. DISTANT NORMAL STREET SOUNDS MIA Hey! OTHER ZOMBIES [Morning!] [nice to see you!] [Mia! Looking good!] SOUND MANY PLODDING FEET MIA Hey Chuck! Got a space? CHUCK For you? Always, babe. Wanna lose the heels first? MIA Brought my work shoes. Just need a moment at the bench. CHUCK I'd offer to help, but...[chuckles] Thank god for velcro, eh? MIA Hah! I have all my fingers. CHUCK [chuckles] Coulda fooled me - [teasing] That looks like your fellow's hand...? MIA [chuckles] Jealous? MUSIC SCENE 10. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note - Ben has zombie noises under, geek does not - he always sounds like a zombie trying to talk] GEEK [Psst.] BEN What? GEEK [heard you were having some money troubles.] BEN What's it to you? GEEK [I might be able to help you with that.] BEN I don't think so. I don't have anything I feel like selling. GEEK [You got some extra fingers. An entire hand that looks... spare] BEN No way. Man! That's - that's Mia's hand! I should smack you with it just for suggesting that! GEEK [Hey! I don't want no trouble! I'm just a businessman!] BEN [spits out the word] Businessman. You're a parts broker. GEEK [Yeah, and we both know you come to me when you need something, then you spit on me when I try to help you out.] SOUND SHUFFLING FEET START TO LEAVE BEN Wait. GEEK [what?] BEN What - what's in high demand? GEEK [What?] BEN I mean, if I was... going to sell something ...just if... what would you be [reluctant, forcing the words out] paying the best prices for? GEEK [[chuckles] See? When you need me--] BEN Cut the crap and tell me. GEEK [Appendages are always good. Fingers, noses, ears. And soft parts, like tongues and, uh.... [suggestive] you know.] BEN [gulp] GEEK [Toes not so much - most just get by without - unless you have a complete foot somewhere - those are collectible, but only in pristine condition. Eyes are pretty good, and you hardly need two.] BEN What about parts that - aren't mine? GEEK [Stolen parts? What makes you think I trade dirty?] BEN Your type always does. GEEK [[pissed again] My type? My type? I think you just talked yourself out of a good deal, pal.] BEN Shit, I-- GEEK [incoherent roar, as he leaves] MUSIC SCENE 11. TREADMILL AMB - underlying zombies moans, many many plodding feet MIA [no specific moaning for this speech] Being on the treadmill gives you plenty of time to think. You stare at the back of the guy in front of you and wonder what's going through his head. Ben doesn't like the nine to five, but I figure - heck, you gotta do something, and if you feel the urge to walk, might as well get paid for it, right? SOUND SOMEONE CLIMBS ON THE TREADMILL [vocals have zombie noises under again] TED Hey Mia! MIA [sigh] Hi Ted. TED Funny running into you here. Shove over? MIA Right. Like I don't do this every day. No room. SHERI Hey Mia! [warm] Hey Ted. TED [dismissive] Sheri. [wheedling] Come on, Mia, squeeze in a little. There's space next to you if you make room. MIA Sorry, Ted [she's not]. Been saving that for... Sheri. SHERI Huh? TED Sheri won't mind - will you? SHERI I - I guess not... MIA Oh, no Ted. We have girl talking to do. Bye-bye. Hop up Sheri. TED Fine. See you at end of shift? MIA [muttered] Not if I see you first. SOUND TED FLOPS OFF MIA [up] I don't know what you see in him, Sher. SHERI Neither do I. Pheromones I guess. MIA Well, he does smell. SHERI [on an ecstatic sigh] Yes. MIA [ugh] Hey, Sher, I gotta problem. SHERI Oh? [horrified] You didn't... break up with Ben? MIA No! Why would you say that? SHERI Nothing. MIA Did you hear something, or are you just worried that Ted might somehow luck out and catch me on the rebound? SHERI Um. The second one. MIA Kinda thought so. O-K, passing over your insecurity, can we discuss my problem? SHERI [relieved] Sure! MIA I found the perfect present for Ben, and I don't know how I'm gonna afford it. SHERI You mean...um...what you said he's missing? MIA Yeah. All his fleshy parts haven't lasted so well - I keep telling him that sleeping rough isn't good for him, but he hates being cooped up. Says being nibbled on by rats is preferable to a cage. SHERI You live in a cage? MIA He means an apartment. SHERI Oh. Well, I'm sure he looks fine without one. You see plenty of missing ones out there every day. [NOTE: they're discussing noses, but it makes it sound like something more suggestive] MIA I know, but he would - well, from things he's said, he would actually LIKE one. Make him feel like a new man. I thought I might get him one of those artificial ones - you know, cast in plastic? In a skin tone, though - not one of those weird colored ones. SHERI They're all the rage with the trendoids these days, the neon ones. I guess they figure if it's gonna look fakey, might as well make a statement. And some of them get freakishly big. MIA Well, I found a place to get something real high quality. Won't look fake at all. They'll even tint it to match his skin. And it won't rot or fall off. Guaranteed to last. Not even a nibble. SHERI It won't make him smell any better. MIA No, but I get the feeling he would be more secure in our relationship if he - well - if he fit more the image he thinks I'd go for. SHERI Someone with all their parts? MIA Oh, heck. I'd love Ben with or without any number of parts, but he seems to think I'd like him better if he actually had a nose. SHERI [hmm] I could maybe loan you a little-- MIA No, this guy charges a bunch. I'm actually tempted to sell a part or two - something I don't use, or not so much, you know? SHERI Don't go there. Starts out simple, a finger here, an ear there, and then - voila! You end up checking people in at work like "Chuck, the torso" - stuck in admin cuz you got no limbs left. Or worse - that guy who talks out his neck since he woke up one morning and his head was gone. MIA [sigh] You're probably right. MUSIC SCENE 12. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE AMB SLIGHT ECHO - AND A DRIP SOMEWHERE SOUND FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER [note Tick speaks slowly and has no zombie echo, Ben sounds completely zombie - no voice over - for this scene TICK You looking for me? BEN [gasp] [what?] SOUND STUMBLE FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER TICK Don't bother - just stand still. BEN [you're a - an intact?] TICK And you're a dead lump of shit, but maybe we can help each other. BEN [moan of acceptance] TICK Good. Now stay quiet while I tell you what we're doing here. BEN [slurpy gasp] TICK That's disgusting. But I need a heap like you to front for me. I have some... parts... to be disposed of, but I can't just wander into maggotville myself. BEN [Why me?] TICK My source says you're tough and desperate. And stupid. BEN [stifled annoyed noise] TICK So maybe he's wrong. BEN [I am desperate] TICK [snort] Fine. Here's the deal - I don't give a flying fluck about your crappy corpse cash. On the other hand, I like having folks - dead or alive - who owe me. BEN [What you need from me?] TICK I'll tell you when it comes up. Right now, I just need this bag of ... parts to vanish. BEN [It's illegal.] TICK [cajoling] They're nice and fresh. [impatient] Fine. Clock is ticking. Tick tock. Tick tock. You even remember what "time" is, maggot? BEN [It's almost Christmas. [beat] I'll do it.] MUSIC SCENE 13. TREADMILL SOUND TREADMILL, FEET PLODDING SHERI You ever wonder what they do over there? MIA [lost in a daze] Hmm? Over the wall? SHERI Yeah. The [awed whisper] In-tacts? MIA Don't know. Don't care. Except for when they come over here and drag off my friends, I say leave them alone. SHERI But you do believe in them, don't you? MIA Believe in them? What's to believe - we see them marching on the wall, and they're the ones who shell out for us to walk on this damn treadmill day and night. They're as real as ... as... shoes. SHERI Some say we all came from in-tacts, way back when. MIA [lightly sarcastic] Yes, and a wasp nest in your head is a sign of good luck and not just poor hygiene. I swear Sheri, you'll believe anything. SHERI You believe they carry people off, though? MIA Well, yeah - we've all seen that. They appear from nowhere, in those dark helmets and suits, and by the time you catch your breath, someone's vanished. SHERI [awed] I saw one once. MIA A kidnapping? SHERI An in-tact. MIA [half-teasing, half worried] You know, they say if you mentioned them three times, they'll appear out of thin air. SHERI [agreeing, distant] They are really fast. MIA [exasperated] Sheri! Don't-- SHERI I did, though! I really saw one. Not just in a suit and helmet like they usually are, but one right... up... close. MIA [sighs, feels her pain] Tell me about it? SHERI It was a guy, I think, and the funny part is he looked so much like a regular person. Just that he was so fast and he was - well - he had everything. His skin was perfect, no holes or anything, and it was this warm rosy color. I... yearned to touch him, but when I reached out, he turned and ran away. MIA [uncertain] That...must have been ....weird. SHERI [almost teary] It was like I saw an angel, and it saw something horrible in me. MIA Oh, Sheri-- SHERI Maybe that's why Ted won't love me? Because I'm horrible inside? MIA Aw, Sheri. [reassuring] We're all horrible inside. And if anyone's seen an angel here and not realized it, Ted's the one. He sees you every day and misses out every time he turns his back. SHERI [sniff sniff] MUSIC SCENE 14. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE SOUND BAG PASSED WITH A SQUISH GEEK [you sure you don't want any of them?] BEN [upset] I... don't need any girl parts, thanks. GEEK [Squeamish? All you had to do was lug a bunch of fresh merchandise here to my humble workshop.] BEN I've never.... felt... they were so [disgusted] warm. GEEK [Fresher just means it'll last longer. Nothing more. You want your pay or not?] BEN [down] Yeah. MUSIC SCENE 15. TREADMILL SHERI --you know that guy Sam I was dating? MIA [worn down] Yeah? SHERI And how he was always mouthing off about-- SOUND WHISTLE, END OF SHIFT MIA [heartfelt] Oh yesss! What a relief! SHERI [not getting it] Yeah! Let's go somewhere - I was in the middle of telling you about Sam. MIA [almost panicky] Nah, save it for next time - I have to meet up with Ben. SHERI It's so great to have someone to talk to while we walk - Tomorrow, same time? MIA [transparently lying] Sure! Oh, no - wait - I promised I would do this thing with Ben tomorrow. SHERI What thing? MIA [panicky, trying to cover] You mean I didn't mention the thing? I--uh-- SOUND DISTANT ZOMBIE NOISES AND SCREAMS SHERI What the--? MIA Come on! SOUND SLOW PLODDING. LARGE GROUP OF ZOMBIES GATHERING MUSIC SCENE 16. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE SOUND SLOW PLODDING, ONE SET OF FEET ANDY [distant] Ben! Ben! BEN [sigh] SOUND PLODDING STOPS BEN Yeah? SOUND ANDY'S FEET APPROACH ANDY [panicky] Ben, man, am I glad to see you - it's Doris! Jeez, she slipped and I think something's broken! BEN [muttered] Lucky you. [up] What do you mean? ANDY Her leg - it snapped and now she can't get up! What am I gonna do, Ben? BEN Andy, Doris is such a-- ANDY I know I know. She gives me hell and treats me like a dog, but what can I do, Ben, I love her! You gotta help me. I'll do anything! BEN Let me take a look. MUSIC SCENE 17. ALTERCATION SOUND LOTS OF SHAMBLING FEET, MOANS MIA What happened? SHERI Where's everyone going? FRED It's one of the overseers! MIA An in-tact? What happened? BOB I seen the whole thing! He fell off the wall and someone made a grab fer him! SHERI Oh no! FRED Oh, yeah! He's somewhere in the middle of the dogpile there. MIA Isn't anyone helping? BOB What are you, some kind of pervert? This is an [spits out the word] In-tact. [excited] They're tearing him apart! MIA We should get out of here! SHERI B-but - They're gonna kill him! MIA [sad] I know, and there's nothing we can do about it. And we want to be out of here before they bring out the big guns. SOUND DRAGGING, SHUFFLING AWAY FROM THE FRACAS SHERI But what if he's that same one I saw before? MIA By now - you probably wouldn't know him. MUSIC SCENE 18. ANDY'S PLACE DORIS [squeals piteously] BEN Yep, that's a bad one. Twisted all up like this. ANDY Can't we do anything? BEN I'm no reconstructor. Maybe some duct tape and a stick? DORIS [Squeals angrily] ANDY He's just trying to help, honeybuunny. BEN Yeah, chill honeybunny. DORIS [squeals again, sort, sharp, warning.] ANDY [quiet] You gotta help me, Ben - you're the only one I can turn to! BEN Jeez Andy... [sigh] You'll pay me back? ANDY You know I'm good for it! Soon as that leg's on, we'll both hit the treads every day til we cover it. BEN [down] Sure. I-- ANDY Yes? BEN [muttered] I didn't like the way it felt anyway. [up] Here. SOUND PACKAGE CHANGES SLOPPY HANDS ANDY What - is it? BEN Enough to get her fixed up - you might go ahead and get her a new tongue while you're at it. ANDY [very quiet] Oh. No. Let's not go completely overboard... MUSIC SCENE 19. OUTSIDE, LATER, TOGETHER SOUND OUTSIDE. SHUFFLING FEET APPROACH MIA There you are - I was beginning to worry. SOUND BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "ben relaxes" BEN [oof, then] It's been a really... weird day. SOUND BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "mia relaxes" MIA [oof, then agreeing] Tell me about it. BEN [muttered] I would if I could. MIA Hmm? BEN Nah. Doris broke her leg and Andy needed help with getting her fixed up. MIA They better get her a good big leg. She goes through so darn many. BEN Really? It's happened before? MIA Every couple of years. I think the last time was before you showed up here. BEN I am such a sucker. MIA Whenever you start thinking like that, just look at Andy. That'd make anyone feel superior. BEN You always know just the right thing to say. MIA Can't help it. We're in tune. BEN Yeah, I guess we are. About Christmas-- MIA Don't worry - I love the boots! BEN Oh, the boots... MIA But only if you can afford them. If you can't, I might be able to get them myself. [sexy] You still get to enjoy them, though. BEN [grim] I'll get them-- MIA [sorry] I was just teasing. BEN Don't worry. [softening] Like I said, it's been a really strange day. MUSIC SCENE 20. SEWER AGAIN TICK [really fast] Yeah what? BEN [slow gasp] TICK [fast] crap. [deliberately going slower, down to normal speed] What do you want? BEN Geek said you have another job? TICK Not so much a job as a favor. BEN Need money. TICK What happened to the packet I gave you before? Never mind - don't want to know. [speeding up a bit] Look. I'm not some magic money tree. BEN Oh. TICK [slowing again] See right now, you owe me a favor - but I can be gracious about it. You give me what I need, and I will advance you what you need against the next job I give you. Sound good? BEN [carefully articulating] You pay now for next job if I do favor? TICK There you go. [quick] not so damn stupid after all. MUSIC SCENE 21. MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND ALARM CLOCK SOUND KNOCKED OFF TABLE MIA [just like at beginning] I hate Mondays. SOUND DOORBELL RINGS MIA Huh? MIA/Z coming! SOUND BAREFOOT SHUFFLE SOUND DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN, QUICKLY AND REPEATEDLY MIA/Z Hold your damn horses! SOUND DOORKNOB FUMBLES, DOOR IS SLAMMED OPEN. SOUND BODY FALLS MIA/Z [annoyed] hey! SOUND FEET MOVE QUICKLY INTO APARTMENT, SLAM DOOR MIA/Z [scared] Who are you--? SOUND SUPER-QUICK WHISPERED VOICES IN BACKGROUND VOICEBOX [mechanical voice] You were at the altercation near the wall yesterday. MIA/z uhhh VOICEBOX Yes or no. We ask yes or no questions. Answer yes or no. MIA/z yesss. VOICEBOX Did you take part-- MIA/z NO! VOICEBOX Did you see any of those who did? MIA/z [uncertain] no. VOICEBOX There was another female with you. Did it see anything? MIA Sheri? MIA/z No. VOICEBOX Please identify this female. MIA/z No. VOICEBOX That was not a question. Identify the female that was with you. MIA Yeah, right. MIA/z [incoherent moan] VOICEBOX Speak clearly. MIA/z Naaame isss [incoherent moan] VOICEBOX We are prepared to remove parts if you do not cooperate. SOUND STRUGGLE, KNIFE SNICKS OPEN MIA/z ohh! MIA No! that's Ben's! [the hand they're threatening] VOICEBOX Last chance. The name. MIA/z Naaame isss shhh-jerry VOICEBOX Jerry? MIA/z [reluctantly agreeing] Uh-huh. VOICEBOX Good. [commanding, disgusted] Let it go. SOUND BODY FLUNG TO FLOOR MIA/z [moans unhappily] SOUND FEET MARCH CRISPLY AWAY MUSIC SCENE 22. SEWER BEN You want WHAT? TICK Not like you'll miss it. BEN I-I don't-- TICK Hey, take it or leave it. You owe me, but not like I'm gonna wrestle you down and steal it from you. I got people - and your kind - who can do that for me. BEN When you need? TICK [irritated, speeding up] What do you mean when? You think I don't mean now? [like the crack of doom, slowly and clearly] Now! BEN Now... TICK Tick-tock. BEN [moans uncertainly, then glumly] yeah... MUSIC SCENE 23. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE MIA/z [muffled whispered moans] MIA Psst! SHERI Mia? What's with the getup? MIA Get over here! SOUND SHUFFLING SHERI/z [whiny querulous moan] SHERI What? MIA Ok, no one can see us-- SHERI You look like a clown. MIA Shh! Sheri, have any of the overseers [gulps] "talked" to you? SHERI In-tacts? No! MIA They found me. They'll find you. They want to know who killed that - in-tact - yesterday in the riot. SHERI Gary? Why? MIA No-no-no-no! I don't WANT to know who did it! They're asking, and they threatened to cut... off-- [sob] Th-they threatened me! SHERI [still not understanding it] Why? MIA They want to get the one who did it, I suppose! They'll come after you! SHERI How will they know to come for me? MIA [evasive] Well - how did - how did they know to come for me? SHERI Oh! MIA So now you're warned - stay away from the treadmill! SHERI [annoyed moan] MIA Well, I wanted to warn you. SOUND MIA STARTS TO WALK AWAY, STRANGELY LIMPING SHERI What's wrong? Mia? You're limping. MIA Nothing. Figured if I can't make the treadmill for a while, I'd need something to live on. SOUND STUMBLING FEET APPROACH SHERI and MIA [gasping moans] FRED [gasp] Oh, hey! Don't tell anyone I'm here. MIA They found you too? FRED I - I heard they're coming - how'd you know? SHERI We saw it happen. FRED Woah! You better hide. Least for a while. They're taking folks again. MUSIC SCENE 24. MIA'S APARTMENT BEN Mia? SOUND TAPPING ON DOOR, DOOR CREAKS OPEN BEN [worried now] Mia? TED [off, questioning moan] BEN You Ted? TED yeah [affirmative moan, voice getting clearer] BEN Where the hell's Mia? TED She took some stuff and left. What's it to you? SOUND SHUFFLE TURN BEN I'm Ben. TED Ugh! What the hell does she see in you? MUSIC SCENE 25. OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE MIA [off a bit] Ben? BEN [phantom of the opera cringing noise] What? MIA Ben - I'm over here. BEN Mia - don't look. MIA [almost laughing] What? BEN Please. MIA All right. I'll close my eyes. BEN Thanks. SOUND SHUFFLING STEPS TO MIA BEN Why are you hiding? MIA I saw something - there are in-tacts maybe looking for me. I don't know. BEN They're just full of surprises, aren't they? MIA Are they? SOUND MOMENT OF JUST PLODDING ALONG TOGETHER BEN Helluva way to spend the holidays. MIA It is Christmas, isn't it? [beat] Can I look now? BEN No! [short barking laugh] I - I know it's silly for me to be vain, but, uh - I lost something. MIA I got you something! BEN Don't turn around-- Ohhhh. [disappointed] MIA [concerned] What happened? BEN Some guy named Gary needed a new face. MIA [concerned for him] I hope you got something good for it. BEN Actually I did. Take off your shoes. MIA [more panicked than should be] No! BEN Don't worry - I'll carry them for you. MIA No - I... I kind of needed to make a trade too. BEN Your leg--? MIA I guess feet with toes are sort of collectable. BEN Oh. I hope ... [chuckles] I hope you got something good for it. MIA [laughs a bit] SOUND STICKY SOUND AS SHE STROKES HIS RAW FLESH MIA At least you kept your lips. BEN Are you kidding? Had to keep those - they're my best feature. MIA Well, here's a new one, but I don't know how it will go on - you might have to wait until you have a place to hang it again. SOUND PACKAGE UNWRAPS, OPENS BEN It's beautiful. MIA It's latex. It won't rot or get chewed on by rats. I think I got the right color, but now - BEN It's a fine nose. MIA Not too big? I mean, I never saw you with-- BEN It's perfect. MIA We should get going. If they're still after me, we'll have to ... find some place else to-- BEN Waitaminute. Now you have to open yours. MIA Oh, you--! SOUND UNWRAPPING OF PAPER MIA The patent leather! BEN Yeah. You know, maybe you could brace and stuff them-- MIA It's just the one foot. BEN Ok, stuff the one, and still walk on it. MIA Not if we're going a long way - I don't want these puppies to get worn out on any stupid road trip. [ecstatic intake of breath] This is the best Christmas ever! BEN You know? I think you're right... Here, take my hand. MIA [teasing sweetly] That's my hand. BEN Come on. [grunt to help her up] MIA Which way? [their voices, along with their moaning and plodding footsteps, begin to slowly fade out] BEN A wise man once said "the sun never sets on those who ride into it". [the quote is from the end of Shock Treatment] MIA Which wise man was that? BEN Um.... MIA Are we talking like "three wise men" kind of wise man? BEN Um - no. I think it was... Richard O'Brien. MIA Who? BEN You know, the time warp guy. MIA Oh, man - I haven't been to THAT movie in months. CLOSER "The Gift of the Magi" is a famous story by O. Henry where a newlywed couple (around 1900) each sell something to buy the other a present - He sells his watch to get her a fancy hair comb and she sells her long hair to get him a new watch fob. The entire story is inspired by this.
(sorry i missed a couple of weeks - been crazy busy) Quail Seed A timely tale of marketing and social networking. [Saki was often way ahead of his time!] Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones. Quail Seed Cast: Announcer Mr. Scarrick, shopkeeper Jimmy, Assistant Lucy, Jimmy's girl Boy Man/Beard Miss Fritten Mrs. Greyes Mrs. Gordon Miss Jones Miss Smith Gloria Mrs. Lipping SAKI OPENING MUSIC SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS LUCY Hello? Helloooo? JIMMY [close] Morning, Lucy! LUCY [startled gasp] Jimmy! There you are. Bit... empty in here, isn't it? JIMMY [heavy sigh] A bit. LUCY But where are all the Christmas shoppers? JIMMY Shh! Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick. You'll quite set him off. LUCY Oh! JIMMY It's all right, he's out at the moment. LUCY [impressed] He left you in charge? JIMMY [heavy sigh, morose] Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services. LUCY That bad, eh? JIMMY Quite. SOUND DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS Miss Smith Hello? SOUND QUICK STEPS JIMMY Yes? How may I assist you? Miss Smith [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable? I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off] JIMMY Sorry. Clean out. Perhaps next week. MISS Smith Ah. Thank you. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR LUCY You might have made a sale! JIMMY She just wanted to look. LUCY You don't know that. JIMMY [bitter admission] She's the fourth today. Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience-- SOUND DOOR BELL MISS Jones Hello? JIMMY ...and that's five. MUSIC SOUND PUB SCARRICK The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses. SOUND POURING DRINK SCARRICK These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale--reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what. BOY [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects. SCARRICK And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes. MAN Seems like quite a trip for sugar. SCARRICK With the big Christmas stock we've got in we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work, but as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves. In fact, I've left him in charge. I've never done that before. BOY I'm sure he'll be fine. SCARRICK [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too. I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas. MAN [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm? MUSIC SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL MRS. GREYES --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do? MISS FRITTEN We shall simply wait for the next-- SCARRICK May I help you ladies? MRS. GREYES Oh! [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- about-- MISS FRITTEN Bootlaces. MRS. GREYES Bootlaces! Yes! I've been in dire need of some-- SCARRICK [hearty] Of course. Over on the left wall, near the back. MRS. GREYES Of course. [whispering] You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here! Bootlaces indeed. I already have more laces than boots! MISS FRITTEN At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to-- MRS. GREYES Shh! SCARRICK Finding everything? MRS. GREYES Oh, yes. This is the best ... um... anchovy paste. Just what I was looking for. MISS FRITTEN Just lovely! SCARRICK Perhaps you ladies could help me. I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop. MRS. GREYES Oh? SCARRICK I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'. MISS FRITTEN [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely. SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY SCARRICK What? SOUND ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER SCARRICK [excusing himself] Your pardon. SOUND SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER MRS. GREYES [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here. MISS FRITTEN But I'm in my best hat! MRS. GREYES Shh! Shh! Look at that! MISS FRITTEN What an odd looking boy. Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks! MRS. GREYES And those clothes. Like something out of the Arabian nights! SOUND CLANG BOY [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed. MISS FRITTEN What's the bowl for? MRS. GREYES To carry the pomegranates? MISS FRITTEN Why not a string bag? MRS. GREYES Allergies? Shh! SCARRICK [business as usual] Here you are. We have some lovely pomegranates. MISS FRITTEN He doesn't even look surprised! MRS. GREYES The boy must have been here before. SOUND COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT BOY The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday. Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases. SCARRICK [formal and serious] As you wish. SOUND BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS SOUND SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET MISS FRITTEN [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy? SCARRICK [final] A foreigner, I believe. MRS. GREYES Does he shop here often? Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year. SCARRICK It takes all sorts. SOUND DOOR OPENS SOUND HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MISS FRITTEN [gasp] MRS. GREYES Oh! [covering her consternation] Oh, I forgot those bootlaces! [hissed] Come on! SOUND THEY SKITTER AWAY MAN [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have. SCARRICK [wary] Certainly sir. MRS. GREYES Look at that beard! MISS FRITTEN Like a comedy Russian. MRS. GREYES No, more like an ancient Assyrian. MISS FRITTEN Who do you think he is? MAN [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates? SCARRICK Can't say that I've seen anyone like that. MRS. GREYES Oh! [muffles self] MISS FRITTEN [whispered] How could he! SCARRICK [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them. MAN My servant will fetch the coffee as usual SOUND COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP MAN [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed? GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp] SCARRICK [unhesitating] No. we don't stock it. SOUND FEET WALK AWAY MRS. GREYES [whispered] What will he deny next? MISS FRITTEN And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man. Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola. SOUND DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES MRS. GREYES Don't let's bother about the 3.12. Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's MISS FRITTEN Perhaps we should buy a few things first. Since we're here. MUSIC SOUND TEA MISS FRITTEN [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim. MRS. LIPPING Do Satraps prorogue? MISS FRITTEN [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't? GLORIA I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is. Is it a dance? MISS FRITTEN It is a simile and hardly matters. Or do I mean an allegory? MRS. GORDON And the boy? MRS. GREYES I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard-- MRS. LIPPING They could have been unrelated. MISS FRITTEN Unrelated? And both asking for "quail seed"? Mark my words. There's something afoot. MRS. GREYES What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer! GLORIA I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before! MRS. GREYES It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop. Mark my words. [importantly] Bohemian. MRS. GORDON [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam. MUSIC SOUND DOOR, BELL SOUND BROOM LUCY Jimmy? JIMMY Here. LUCY Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down. JIMMY Fabulous, isn't it? LUCY But, what happened? JIMMY This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers. LUCY Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon? JIMMY [overly innocent] Whom do you refer to? LUCY Come on! It's all over town. People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper. I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak. The dark young man and the Beard. JIMMY Sounds a bit like a music hall act. LUCY [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does.... MUSIC AMBIENCE SHOP [MANY CUSTOMERS] MISS SMITH Is this the freshest jar of pickles? JIMMY Miss? I suppose so. MISS SMITH It looks a little dusty. JIMMY That would be my fault-- SCARRICK [commanding] Jimmy! JIMMY So sorry, must jump. MISS FRITTEN [whispered] Do you think they will return? MRS. GREYES I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen. MISS FRITTEN But why should they come all this way to shop? MRS. GREYES [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed. MISS FRITTEN [getting it] Ah! SOUND REGISTER NOISE SCARRICK That will be three shillings and four pence. SOUND COINS MRS. LIPPING I'm looking for something interesting for a savory. Have you any-- SOUND GENERAL HUSH MRS. LIPPING [nervous] --any, um-- SCARRICK [as if nothing is amiss] I have some pickled olives. Imported from turkey. MRS. LIPPING Yes, anything. SOUND JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER SOUND JABBER BEGINS AGAIN SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY. SILENCE SOUND BOY WALKS IN. SOUND BOWL SET DOWN. SCARRICK [normal] What can I get for you today? BOY I require a pound of honey. SOUND BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER BOY and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed. SOUND GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED SCARRICK Very good, sir. SOUND CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING MISS FRITTEN [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights. MRS. GREYES Hush! Listen! SOUND THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE. SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS JIMMY [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges. Around behind here. SOUND QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET SOUND DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN. SOUND GASPS SCARRICK [unperturbed] What may I get for you today, Sir? MAN A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva. MISS FRITTEN Halva? What is that? MRS. GREYES It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is? GLORIA Who would want dates AND figs? MRS. LIPPING Hush. SCARRICK There you are. MAN hmm [evaluating noise] Yes. SOUND COINS DROPPED MAN Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day? GLORIA [stifled squeak of excitement] SCARRICK We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe. SOUND [gasps] MRS. GREYES [satisfied] Didn't we say? MISS FRITTEN It's too too terrible. MUSIC TEA MRS. GREYES It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock. MISS FRITTEN More quail seed! Those quails must be voracious! [realizing] or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all. MRS. GREYES I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective. MRS. LIPPING I don't. I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne. MISS FRITTEN More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah. The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know. GLORIA [exasperated] Only as a miracle. [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue. MRS. LIPPING I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar. GLORIA I can't imagine that that boy is the guilty party here. Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable-- MISS FRITTEN Honey and pomegranates - of course!!! MUSIC SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET SOUND DOOR, BELL JIMMY [calling from off] Closed! LUCY I know, mutton head. JIMMY Oh, Lucy! SOUND BROOM DOWN, STEPS LUCY Another busy day? JIMMY The busiest. Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp] SOUND KISS LUCY [laughing] I was here today, you know. JIMMY [uneasy] Oh? LUCY [indulgent] You were quite the hero. Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time. JIMMY [flustered] Well, I have a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter. LUCY [pouty] Jimmy. Have you EVER known me to gossip? JIMMY You, Lucy? I don't think so. LUCY Quite a vote of confidence. JIMMY I didn't mean that-- [sigh] No. No I've never known you to gossip. LUCY Let me in, then! Perhaps there's something I can do to help? MUSIC PUB SCARRICK It was quite marvelous! And we sold out of that blasted Halva. MAN It looked crowded, but were they actually buying? SCARRICK They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger. BOY "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing." SCARRICK exactly. Even those women whose purchases were of modest proportions dawdled over them as though they had, uh-- MAN Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to? SCARRICK [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow. MUSIC STORE - BUSY MISS FRITTEN What do you think? Is this bowl anything like the one that young gentleman carries? MRS. GREYES Nonsense. His is brass. Or bronze, perhaps. That one is copper. MISS FRITTEN Still, it's got a lovely patina. MRS GORDON Ducks? SCARRICK [distracted] Pardon? MRS GORDON Ducks? I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice. SCARRICK I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp] SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH MRS GORDON oh! SCARRICK You'll excuse me. SOUND BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM SCARRICK Sir? BOY Yes? SCARRICK [overtly confidential] I must warn you-- SOUND [gasps] SCARRICK [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed. MRS GORDON Oh nO! BOY [shocked and disappointed] Oh. I should-- I must-- SOUND SCUTTLING FEET JIMMY [excited] We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here. BOY [dramatic gasp] SOUND BOY RUNS MISS FRITTEN [whispered] Watch the door! SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL SOUND OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MRS. GORDON [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath. SCARRICK [very tense] Ah. Coffee again today sir? Perhaps figs? MAN I am looking for-- LUCY [in disguise, foreign sounding] Jaffa oranges, I think. MAN What? MRS GREYES [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake. LUCY Your Excellency does his shopping himself? MAN [suspicious] I order the things myself. I find it difficult to make my servants understand. MISS FRITTEN [voiceover] How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all? LUCY I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here. [tinkling laugh] SOUND HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL MAN [considering] Hmph. MRS. GORDON [gasp] MAN You! SCARRICK [tense] Yes? MAN You have, perhaps, some good Jaffa oranges? GLORIA [voiceover] Everyone expected an instant denial on the part of Mr. Scarrick of any such possession, but before he could answer‑‑ BOY No! SOUND RUNNING FEET, DOOR, BELL MISS FRITTEN [voiceover] Holding his empty brass bowl before him he dashed into the street. His face was masked with studied indifference SOUND THE VOICEOVERS START TO FADE INTO TEA MRS GREYES Overspread with ghastly pallor! MRS. LIPPING I would call it blazing with defiance. GLORIA How defiant could he be! He was so terrified his teeth chattered! MRS. GORDON I distinctly heard him whistling the Persian National Hymn. MISS FRITTEN But the bearded man - his face was a mask of abject terror! MRS GREYES I thought he would dash out after the boy, but he just paced to and fro like a caged animal - seeking an outlet for escape. GLORIA He couldn't take his eyes off the door. MRS GORDON Did he ever come back for his purchases? Or send his servant? MISS FRITTEN I've not had the nerve to ask Mr. Scarrick. The whole thing was so ... overwhelming. MUSIC LUCY It was so overwhelming. Trying not to laugh while watching all their faces. JIMMY You did a fabulous job. LUCY You like me in a veil? JIMMY I can think of a veil I'd like to see you in. LUCY [interested, pleased] Really? JIMMY Mm-hmm [yes] SOUND KISS MUSIC PUB SCARRICK I can never thank you fellows enough. MAN We enjoyed the fun of it. [laughs, then talks like beard] And the figs. BOY It was a welcome vacation from posing for hours for 'The Lost Hylas' MAN You just have to sit still. I'm the one who has to make you look good. SCARRICK What do I owe you? MAN No, no. It was far too entertaining. BOY We did get all those lovely pomegranates. SCARRICK At any rate... I insist on paying for the hire of the black beard. END
A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Leona - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey's Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey Music by John Woodward Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Les Clay "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** A Telegram ...to Satan! Cast: Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell? MUSIC Scene 1. SOUND PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room REPORTER JUNE How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight. REPORTER BOB So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting? REPORTER KATHY We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor... REPORTER FRED And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair? Scene 2. CHIEF Shut the door. SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO Where's Leona? CHIEF She'll be here in a minute. Wanted to say something to you first… just the two of us. THEO [a little worried] Yeah? CHIEF You're a cute young guy, Theo... THEO [starting to panic] Uh... CHIEF You seeing anyone right now? THEO I'm kind of ...married to the news. CHIEF I know the feeling. THEO Uh...! CHIEF It's a nice sentiment, but you can't let the news rule your life, sweetheart. THEO Uh. When is Leona gonna get here? CHIEF What are you doing on Friday night? THEO Uh... Uh... I ... CHIEF Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get. THEO [relieved] Oh! ah! I can clear Friday night. CHIEF It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida. THEO Who? CHIEF But you didn't hear that from me. SOUND DOOR OPENS THEO Dickman? DICKMAN Yeah. THEO [gasp] Oh! I thought it would be Leona. SOUND DOOR SHUTS CHIEF Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third. His grandpa just picked up half the business. DICKMAN Things are gonna run a little different around here. THEO Oh. Is that good? CHIEF [insincere] Sure it is. We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level. SOUND DOOR OPENS LEONA Oh. SOND DOOR SHUTS AGAIN THEO Leona--? She left. CHIEF Musta forgot something. DICKMAN Is that Leona Pope? [chuckle nastily] I think she remembered something. THEO Should I ...go? CHIEF No, I was about to drop a lead on you. DICKMAN I hope you have something good. CHIEF Oh, are you staying? DICKMAN Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom. So yeah, I'm staying. MUSIC Scene 3. AMB ROOF SOUND LIGHTER, SMOKING THEO [off] Leona? LEONA Are you alone? THEO Uh, yeah. LEONA Come on up, then. THEO That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it? LEONA It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke. THEO Oh. [beat] We have an assignment. LEONA We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of? THEO Uh, no. Were you expecting someone? LEONA [sigh] I'll come down. MUSIC Scene 4. SOUND IN CAR LEONA What's the story? THEO I was about to ask you the same thing. LEONA [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get. THEO Oh! Cattle mutilation. It's a bit of a drive. LEONA And Dickman? THEO No. He's got a story of his own. LEONA Which is? THEO [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer. LEONA Figures. Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts. THEO Well, it's actually-- LEONA That jackass gets everything he wants. Almost. THEO Sounds like you have a history. LEONA Used to have an entire curriculum. THEO Huh? LEONA [getting annoyed] History. Chemistry. Biology... [disgusted] Drama. MUSIC Scene 5. AMB FARM LEONA Bucolic. THEO I've never been on a farm before! LEONA I've worked hard to avoid them myself. HADLEY Hallooo! You must be the folks from the World Bugle! THEO Must we? Ah, yes. We must! I mean, that's us! LEONA [flat] Show us the cows. HADLEY I'm Mr. Hadley, and this is Lulu. LULU [goat] Maaaa. LEONA Don't try and tell me that's a cow. HADLEY No, no. Lulu's a goat. They're better than dogs. They can stand guard, fetch, and they're very loyal GOAT Maaa. LEONA You tell him. Show us the cows. HADLEY She can even fetch – here. THEO A ball? Should I throw it? HADLEY Nah – just hold it up. Fetch Lulu! LULU MAAA! SOUND THUMP THEO Ow. HADLEY And now she gets the ball. Just a little goat humor. SOUND BRUSHING OFF, GETTING UP THEO [sigh] Tell us all about this problem you're having with your cattles being... mutilated. LEONA Cattle is already plural. HADLEY Come along and you can see for yourself. THEO Ew? I mean - it's been a couple of days. Won't they be a bit ... ripe? LEONA [musing] Really quick shutter. THEO What? LEONA Catches all the flies in mid-flight. THEO Ewwww.. HADLEY Oh, are you thinking my cows are dead? Oh. No. Come on. MUSIC Scene 6. LEONA [stunned] And WHEN did this happen? THEO How many are there? HADLEY Five. Bessie, Buttercup, Wilamina, Miss Amoorica, and Fred. LEONA You have a cow named Fred? HADLEY She's had a hard life. THEO And all five of them have these... HADLEY Big tattooed triangles. Yep. LEONA Does it go underneath, too, or just end there? HADLEY Nope. Each one has her entire left flank covered in this...ink. THEO And it's not just paint? HADLEY Nope. LEONA Humh. Punk cows. Next thing you know, they'll be going for nipple piercings. THEO That would really be -- LEONA [trying not to laugh] An udder mess. THEO Ew. This doesn't look like something that happened overnight. HADLEY Nope. Someone's a-sneaking in each night and doing it. LEONA And they got THIS much done before you noticed? HADLEY What can I say? I'm a right-sided milker. MUSIC Scene 7. SOUND WALKING IN MUD THEO Ah, nature. LEONA One thing you can say for nature. It stinks. THEO That's the smell of life! LEONA No, it's the smell of the cowpie you just stepped in. THEO Ew. Hey look! Someone's coming! LEONA Is it Lulu? THEO No! [excited] It looks like a girl! LEONA Can't you tell? DAISY [off, calling] He-ey! THEO Hiya! LEONA [hissed, hinting] Interview. Witness. Stay on task. THEO What? SOUND SLAP THEO Right. Hello, miss--? DAISY [running up, panting] I'm Daisy! THEO Yeah? LEONA [hissed] Does she live near here? THEO Do you--? DAISY I'm just one farm over. THEO Oh. Good. LEONA Does she know anything about the cows? DAISY Huh? THEO HuH? LEONA Tell you what. We're gonna play blindfold questions. DAISY That sounds like fun! THEO What? [muffled] Hey, what are you doing? [clear again] But I can't see anything now! LEONA That's the idea. DAISY Who are you folks anyway? I never got a chance to-- THEO We're from the World Bugle. Investigating the cows. DAISY Oh! The tattoos? THEO Yeah. Are they happening at your farm too? LEONA Turn to the left, just a bit. THEO Huh? LEONA You're talking to her shoulder. THEO Ah. DAISY Well, no, ain't no one else in the valley having the same problem. And no one can figure out how it's happening, nohow! THEO No one knows how he's doing it? DAISY He? Do you know who it is? THEO Just reporter shorthand. Playing the odds. [serious sounding] Most of these kind of... uh "perps" are male. 82%, in fact. LEONA Nice fake. DAISY Wow! THEO Not that we rule anyone out. You could even be the one doing this. DAISY Not me! I can't even draw a cow. [sudden interest] Who's that? LEONA Who? Shit! My turn for the blindfold. SOUND WHIP OF FABRIC THEO [Baffled] Leo? What? Why are you tying that over your whole face? LEONA [muffled] Shut up! DICKMAN [coming on] Finally some sign of life out here in the hinterlands. DAISY I dunno where hinter's land is. Is he new around here? THEO [getting it] Oh! Hi, Mr. Dickman. DICKMAN You can call me Ace, kid. THEO [chummy] And you can call me Theo, Ace. LEONA [muffled] "Smoothie" THEO Shh. DAISY Can I call you Ace too? You look kinda familiar. Have we ever met? DICKMAN So, kid, who's the chick in the turban? THEO Oh, she's my new ... intern. Uh, she's -uh- devout. Can't show her face. DAISY But she had it off-- LEONA [zhagareet - high pitched warble] THEO [running over] We're very equal-opportunity at the world bugle, you see. DAISY Say, you look kinda like Clint Eastwood. Are you related to Clint Eastwood? DICKMAN [ignoring Daisy] Does she speak English, at least? THEO Only to people she's been... properly introduced to. It's very ...protective. DICKMAN Doesn't make for much of a reporter. THEO [warming to his lie] That's why she's learning to take photographs instead. [talking loud and slow like he's talking to someone foreign] Take picture now? Show? LEONA [muttered and muffled] I got something to show you-- THEO [snap] Jasmine? Take picture! LEONA [sort of vaguely pakistani] oh, yess. Picture take i. SOUND SNAP DICKMAN Hey! You didn't need a flash! It's broad daylight! Right in my damn eyes. SOUND SNAP LEONA Many apologies! DAISY Wanna take a picture of me? DICKMAN [stalking closer] Hey! That camera - it looks kinda familiar. THEO [covering] Oh! They all look alike. LEONA [panicking] uh -- No more talk. Time to pray. SOUND DROP TO THE GROUND LEONA [muttering, muffled] THEO You better not bother her now. She gets these breaks a - a bunch of times every day. It's freedom of religion, man. DICKMAN I'm sure I've seen her before. And she ain't no -- THEO ACE! Don't use that kind of language! [whispered] You could get us sued! LEONA [MUTTERS LOUDER] DAISY Can she take a picture of ME when she gets up? MUSIC Scene 8. AMB QUIET HOTEL ROOM THEO That was kind of... LEONA Mortifying? THEO Well... You don't know much about other cultures, do you? LEONA I only had to fool him, and he knows less. [annoyed] It's kind of like if you and I ever run into a lion - I don't have to outrun the lion... I just have to outrun you. THEO Are there a lot of lions in - [getting it] Ohhh... [moment of awkward silence] LEONA I suppose you're wondering about all this. THEO No. LEONA It's the most embarrassing episode of my life. THEO Oh. I wouldn't want to pry. LEONA Back when I was young and foolish. THEO [astonished] You were young? LEONA And that disgusting hunk of manhood swept me off my girlish feet... THEO [getting a bit weirded out] girlish? LEONA He was so confident... THEO Uh, Leona... LEONA So self assured... THEO Come on, Leona. LEONA And when he walked away that dark and stormy morning, leaving me lying in a puddle of my own tears... THEO Please stop. LEONA [snarl] He walked away with the best scoop I'd ever had. THEO [relieved sigh] Oh! LEONA That's why you can't tell him anything about our story. Not one iota. THEO Why would I, I don't plan to-- LEONA He'll knock on the door any minute now. SOUND KNOCK THEO Wow! LEONA Take him to the bar. THEO But what do I do? LEONA Get him drunk. Keep him talking. SOUND DOOR CHAIN LEONA [sharp whisper] Oh, and while you're distracting him— THEO Distracting? LEONA Yeah. See if you can steal his story! MUSIC Scene 9. AMB BAR DICKMAN This is the life, eh? Just us guys. Us reporters. No one understands the loneliness… THEO Uh, yeah. DICKMAN The mantle of responsibility we don every day-- THEO Really? DICKMAN Our responsibility to the public! To keep them informed. THEO Oh! Is that why your – uh – family bought into the World bugle? DICKMAN Nah. Grandad just loves Ratboy. THEO Oh. [trying to be subtle] So...how goes it with the weed-whacker? DICKMAN [suspicious] Hey – you trying something? THEO No! Just thought… uh… I might be able to [uncertain] Help? DICKMAN I don't need any help. THEO But I might have heard something. A lead. DICKMAN [skeptical] Reeeeally? THEO Oh, yeah. [warming to it] I overheard something. Recently. About –uh – [lost, then bright idea] about someone buying a lot of weed whackers! DICKMAN Really? And what could possibly make you think that he would need more than one weed whacker? THEO He? DICKMAN Playing the odds. 82% of these perps are male, you know. THEO Oh, yeah. I know. DICKMAN [intimidating] But what made you say that? THEO Its just what I heard! Really! DICKMAN [relenting] Cuz that's a detail the police have insisted on keeping back from the public. THEO Oh! MUSIC HOTEL CLERK May I help you? LEONA [talking in a fake deep voice] Package for Mr. Dickmam. What room is he in? HOTEL CLERK I can accept that for him. LEONA No. uh – it's special delivery. From the head office. HOTEL CLERK I can page him. LEONA Can't wait. Must stay… refrigerated. Plus, he's probably out on assignment-- HOTEL CLERK I think he's just over in the bar. LEONA [sigh, drops the voice] Fifty bucks? SOUND MONEY SLAPPED ON TABLE, SCOOPED UP HOTEL CLERK [low response] Here's the spare key. Have a nice day! MUSIC Scene 10. AMB BAR THEO --And he woke up with a donkey's head! DICKMAN What, like in the bed next to him? THEO No, this is Shakespeare, not the Godfather! Like his head was a donkey's head. DICKMAN [musing] Shakespeare WAS the original godfather. I think you might have a story there. THEO Still not as good as yours! DICKMAN When you been in the biz as long as I have… SOUND PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED BARTENDER No, sorry. We don't serve those here. DICKMAN [nasty laugh] Must be talking about your “sidekick.” THEO Ew! BERTENDER Oh, someone NAMED Smoothie. I'll check. [up] Is there a-- THEO [quick, sharp] It's for me! DICKMAN Smoothie? THEO Code name. Top secret. [to phone] Yeah? Yeah! Oh yeaaaaahhhhh. SOUND HANGS UP DICKMAN Yeah? THEO Yeah. Gotta go. The –uh- cows came home. MUSIC Scene 11. AMB NIGHT, PASTURE THEO We always seem to end up outside in the dark waiting for dangerous people. LEONA That's where the stories are. THEO Did you find out anything? LEONA Just that he's got nothing. [chuckles] THEO Isn't that bad for the paper? I mean, they still need stories! LEONA Puppy. [gasp] Look! THEO Lights! Is it aliens? LEONA Coleman. THEO Who's Coleman? LEONA A lamp. It's just the farmer. He must have the same idea we do. THEO We do? LEONA To keep watch until the vandal shows up. THEO Would this fall under vandalism? Hmm… I guess cows count as property. LEONA Shh! Look! THEO He's just going in to check on them. SOUND Mooooo THEO That didn't sound happy. LEONA They're cows. They don't really “do” happy. THEO Hey, where's Lulu? LEONA Lulu? THEO The goat- he said she follows him everywhere. LEONA I dunno. Sleeping? THEO Let's get closer to the barn. MUSIC Scene 12. AMB BARN THEO [whispering] I told you there was something wrong with a man who would leave his goat behind! LEONA If I had a nickel for every time I've heard… SOUND Bzz. Mooooo! THEO [standing up] How dare you! LEONA Oh, boy. HADLEY/DEMON Who dares disturb me at my work. THEO Uh… does he sound different? LEONA I'll be in the bushes – uh – stall. HADLEY/DEMON Come forward, mortal. THEO uh-- LEONA He means you. [uh - pushing him] SOUND PUSH, HE STUMBLES FORWARD THEO [whisered] What do I do? LEONA Interview him. It. Nah, think of it as a him – less scary that way. HADLEY/DEMON What do you want? THEO [gulp] I -- want to hear your side of the story! HADLEY/DEMON Story? THEO Uh, clearly you're doing something here – and very artistically, I might add – but I can't imagine a … s-something, such as yourself doing it for no reason. You must have a … a purpose. The people want to know! LEONA [hissed] step to the left! THEO Huh? LEONA You're blocking my shot! HADLEY/DEMON You think you will shoot me? Muhahahaha! Mortal bullets will have no effect! THEO no! no! not shot shot. Just picture shot. LEONA [whispered] Stay in the light - in case he eviscerates you. HADLEY/DEMON Pictures, yes. I make pictures too. THEO Right! What are they for? HADLEY/DEMON For? They are a summoning! When the ring is complete, he will come! THEO [shock and awe] Satan? HADLEY/DEMON [matter of fact] Nonsense, he's much too busy. That's why I'm here. [demony again] NO! It is the renegade that I am here to summon. I have been placed in his path and he will be mine! SOUND CAMERA CLICKS HADLEY/DEMON [petulant] If some people will go away and leave me to my work. THEO maybe we can help? LEONA [whispered] Ixnay! Otnay our Objay! HADLEY/DEMON Help? You? THEO I mean, if you will spend a little time maybe telling us more about what you're doing? HADLEY/DEMON Hmm…. [thinks long] Which do you think is my good side? MUSIC Scene 13. AMB OUTSIDE, DAY THEO We should tell him! He must have been drugged, or delusional, or sleepwalking! LEONA [assured] Possessed. THEO or sleepwalking. LEONA Possessed makes for a better story. THEO Oh. LEONA Did you have the mini recorder with you? THEO Uh, no. LEONA Dammit Smoothie! THEO I did ... something else with it. LEONA What? THEO Let me see if it worked first. LEONA [sigh] whatever. What's important is to figure out what questions to ask this demon possessor when we talk to him tonight. THEO Tonight? LEONA Meanwhile, we can get some quality time with the girls. THEO Girls? You mean like Daisy? LEONA No, I mean like Fred. MUSIC Scene 14. AMB BARN SOUND Moos THEO Oh, those girls. LEONA Shh. You'll put them off. THEO What are we doing here? LEONA Getting glamour shots. What else? Move that one in behind the one with the white ear. THEO Why don't we ask farmer Hadley to help with this? I don't know anything about cow maneuvers. DICKMAN [off, hding] [Laughs] LEONA [starts to laugh, then cuts it off with a snarl] THEO Holy cow! LEONA Five of them. Come out, Dick. DICKMAN Leona? And here I thought you'd converted. THEO Maybe I should leave you two alone? LEONA Yeah. I'm a transformer. {nyea-uh-uh-ow – transformer noise] Just call me optimus kick your ass. THEO Help me out, Fred, They're not listeneing. SOUND MOO, LICK THEO Ew. [up] We should go back to the – things to do – back at the hotel? LEONA No. I want to know why this notorious poacher is hanging around our story? Could it be because he's stumped on his own? DICKMAN Im never stumped. I'm [thinks, then nasty triumph] I'm multitasking! LULU [outside] Maaaaa THEO Hey guys, here comes Lulu! Better be nice. DICKMAN Who's LuLu? Is she that dishy Barbie in the teensy cutoffs from yesterday? LEONA [chuckles] Nah, she's even more perfect for you. DICKMAN [suggestive] Hot, stupid and has a great story? LEONA [taking it personally] I was never hot – I mean, I was never STUPID! SOUND DOOR OPENS THEO [loudly, trying to break up the fight] Oh, Farmer Hadley! Lulu! How nice to see you both! LEONA Here Dickman. Hold this. Lulu, fetch! LULU Maaaa! DICKMAN What's with the ball? Ow! SOUND THUMP, BODY DROP MUSIC Scene 15. AMB BARN, NIGHT THEO He said he'd explain the whole thing tonight. LEONA Smacks of super villain rhetoric. THEO Huh? LEONA You know, all that “Before I kill you, Mister Bond” crap. THEO Kill? HADLEY/DEMON Oh, yes, I am here to kill. THEO [gasp!] LEONA [gasp] I'll be in the hayloft. HADLEY/DEMON {chuckles] I thought you might like a sound bite for your show. THEO Uh, we're print news. HADLEY/DEMON Too bad. That would have been sweet. THEO But we do have a website! LEONA But he wasn't recording. HADLEY/DEMON [disgruntled] Well, stay out of my way, then. THEO You said tonight you would reveal all. LEONA I'll get the wide angle lens. HADLEY/DEMON Tonight I will return an escaped soul back to hell!!! LEONA Is his name Dickman? HADLEY/DEMON He's not an escapee. But we have him on our radar. THEO Ew. LEONA Good. HADLEY/DEMON No, this is a soul that escaped and is even now cutting a swath across the country! THEO and LEONA [unison] The weed-whacker!? LEONA [musing] Scooping him is almost better than sending him to hell… HADLEY/DEMON These cows are the living, breathing summoning spell. Watch as I circle them up, nose to tail-- LEONA Facing widdershins, I see. THEO Huh? LEONA Anti-clockwise? THEO Oh. HADLEY/DEMON It's a satanic thing. THEO Ahh. LEONA Omigod! HADLEY/DEMON [slightly offended] Please! LEONA Just an interjection. I see it all now! I relaly do need to get up into the hayloft! THEO Why? HADLEY/DEMON Why don't you both go up there and observe? THEO Uh, okay. LEONA Come on! SOUND CLIMBING LADDER HADLEY/DEMON [begins the chant] loren ipsum dolar sit amat… THEO What am I supposed to see? LEONA Look down! SOUND SNAPPING PHOTOS, THROUGHOUT THEO Uh...Cows. LEONA and? THEO Oh! Oh, wow! When they're all in a circle like that, with the tattooed triangles on the inside, it makes-- LEONA A pentagram. Yeah. Trippy. SOUND DOOR OPENS, OFF THEO Did you hear that? LEONA Hear what? SIOUND CAMERA STILL CLICKING AWAY THEO I'll go check. LEONA [absorbed in her work] Yeah, yeah. SOUND CREAKING AS THEO MOVES THEO [muttered] I think it was over … here? DICKMAN [muffled a bit, dictating] Investigating strange noises in the barn, hoping that the killer was hiding out, I courageously – no, scratch that – with no thought for my own safety, just the safety of the world, I pressed on. THEO [to self] Oh, heck! [quiet, calling] Leona? LEONA [snapped hiss] Busy. THEO Oh, boy… SOUND OTHER DOOR SLAMS OPEN HADLEY/DEMON [Cuts off in mid-sentence] [dramatic] You! WW DEMON [dramatic] Yes, it is I! HADLEY/DEMON [matter of fact] I'm here to take you home, Jerry. WW DEMON I don't wanna. HADLEY/DEMON Too bad. Get in the box. WW DEMON [huffy sigh] Fine. But I'm going because I want to and not because you told me to. HADLEY/DEMON Yup. Just like the last four times. whatever. SOUND SORT OF A WHISTLY NOISE DICKMAN Is that it? HADLEY/DEMON Yeah. Why? DICKMAN Seems anti-climactic. HADLEY/DEMON Who do I look like? Peter Jackson? Gotta go, then. [to Leona] One mor pic before I drop this carcass? SOUND CLICK DICKMAN [stunned] You! LEONA [sneering] You! THEO Uh, guys--! SOUND WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE DICKMAN This is my story, Leo. But I'll let you in as my photographer. THEO Guys??? LEONA I'll give you a shot. But not from my camera! SOUND WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE GETS LOUDER THEO I'll be in the bushes. SOUND WEIRD SWRILY EXPLOSION Scene 16. EXPLOSION TURNS INTO "on tape" SOUND CLICK, turns off CHIEF [concerned] Is Leona's film okay? THEO Oh, yeah. It was the weirdest thing, too - no one was actually hurt, but they all had this weird blackout period. I guess I got away early enough to miss most of it, but even I don't rmember everything on the tape. CHIEF Waitaminute - didn't you say in there somewhere that you didn't have your recorder on you? THEO Uh, yeah... SOUND DOOR OPENS, LEONA ENTERS LEONA Here's those photos. SOUND SLAPS THEM DOWN CHIEF [going through] yeah, yeah. Yeah - OHHH! Nice goat. Yeah, yeah. Cute. Holy crap! LEONA [chuckles] THEO Hwat - what was that? CHIEF I take it this compromising picture of Forsythe Dickman the third has some little part in why you got his story without him arguing at all? LEONA [overly innocent] Nah - he just admitted that it was all one story from the beginning, and since we did all the work-- THEO [confidential] It was really hard, getting the goat to stand still for the picture! CHIEF you didn't- uh - I mean, that poor goat! LEONA Nah, once we got her into the tutu - it's all in the lighting. THEO Was harder to dress Dickman. CHIEF Well, get out of here and write up your story-- My personal shopper Pierre is gonna be in here any minute - Wednesday is intimates. LEONA Going. Now. SOUND THEY RUSH OUT Scene 17. REPORTER FRED Oh, please, you're the fourth Hitler sighting this week! REPORTER KATHY Are you sure these tiny people who appear when you drink from your magic bottle aren't just ...uh... D-Ts? REPORTER BOB And you're willing to wear that fur suit and infiltrate the secret hideout? Do you know the paw-shake? SOUND HANG UP PHONE REPORTER JUNE [excited yell] Aliens are landing in Branson!!! They're demanding tickets for Dolly! END
Theo and Leona of the World Bugle (Team E-O to you) return for another scoop. (they originally appeared in Cultists Stole My Baby!) Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo - Henry Marks Leona - Robyn Keyes Chief - Julie Hoverson Larry - Dave Fontenot Baby Dali1 - Julie Hoverson Baby Dali2 - Risa Torres Baby Dali3 - Danar Hoverson Waitress - Sirena Raine Melody - Tanja Milojevic Harmony - Cailean Evedus Other Dalis - Marleigh Norton, Kat Pryde, Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard, Kimberly Gianopoulos, Kimberly Poole, Brittney Cruz Music by Josh Woodward Dali Song - Music by Reju (used under creative commons license), words by Arthur O'Shaugnessy, Sung by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an infamous newsroom, can't you tell?" **************************************************************************** Whatever Happened to Baby Dali? Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Chief Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Leona Pope Dali 1 Other Dalis Melody Harmony Waitress Larry Four Reporters OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a notorious Newsroom, can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1 SOUND bullpen REPORTER 1 So your sister said - oh, not YOUR sister, a NUN named SISTER. REPORTER 2 Drinking the vinegar counteracts the toxins in the system due to-- REPORTER 3 Fourteen people just vanished? Were you on any mind-altering substances? REPORTER 4 Yes, if you spell it backwards it certainly does make the word-- SOUND DOOR CLOSES THEO Chief? I - uh-- [breaks off in horror] SOUND RUSTLE OF TAFFETA CHIEF Whaddaya think? THEO [freaked out] Are you... getting married? [squeak] In white? LEONA [quiet] Are you really asking? THEO Uh-- CHIEF Nah - scared ya didn't I? THEO Uh-- CHIEF Don't worry. I'm still eligible. THEO Uh--? LEONA Back away. Don't take your eyes off her. CHIEF Whaddaya think? It's a little tight in the gut. Gonna have to cut some of them carbs. THEO [trying] Yeah. That would do it. CHIEF At least I got the shoulders to pull off strapless. Hey, where you going? THEO Uh--! LEONA Eager to get to work. You know these young pups. CHIEF Good attitude. Interview room 3. THEO Oh, good! LEONA [side of her mouth] Quick. SCENE 2 SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO what was that? LEONA It's June. THEO And? LEONA Happens about this time every year. THEO Why? LEONA Bridal feature pull-out? I don't know! [hissed] I don't ask! [commanding] Room 3. THEO Oh, right. SOUND DOOR OPENS LEONA You go first. THEO Right. [a beat] Holy cow! It's her! LEONA Chief doesn't move that fast. Especially in a train. THEO No, I mean - I mean - It IS you, isn't it? DALI 1 Is it safe here? THEO Why does everyone ask that? LEONA Who does he think you are? DALI 1 I'm - I'm Baby Dali. THEO I knew it! I love your music. LEONA We don't do publicity stunts. C'mon, Smoothie. SOUND HUSTLES HIM OUT OF ROOM, DOOR SHUTS THEO We don't? LEONA Of course we do. When we arrange them. Part of our job - your job - is to protect the Bugle from being used for anyone ELSE's cheap publicity. THEO Oh. But Baby Dali's been missing for fourteen days! LEONA Probably in rehab. THEO No! No one knows where she's been! If we could break the story-- SCENE 3 LARRY Hey! You'll never guess who I just took a call from! THEO Ratboy? LEONA State mental health board? LARRY [gloating] Baby Dali. She's ready to come home, and called US to break the story! THEO Wait, but she-- SOUND SLAP LEONA [covering] When did she call? LARRY Just now. THEO Where did she say she was? LARRY Hah! No way. This is MY scoop! [running away, laughing] My ticket out of the bullpen! [stops, turns back] Hah! THEO That's ... sad. LEONA Yeah. Send a stripper. Come on. THEO Where are we going? LEONA [exasperated] Room 3? THEO Aha! SCENE 4 SOUND DOOR OPENS LEONA Sorry about that. Had to do some quick fact checking. THEO Yeah! Make sure you're really.... [melting] Really her. DALI 1 Precisely the problem! Proving I'm her! I mean me. LEONA [muttered prompt] Oh? THEO [gasp] Oh? DALI 1 I'm plagued with posers! LEONA [sigh] Aren't the solid black sunglasses and white fright wig a bit of a giveaway? THEO [infatuated] I knew who you were the moment I saw you. DALI 1 You have a nice face. THEO I do? LEONA My colleague will now take notes. SOUND PEN, PAPER, SLAPPED DOWN THEO Yeah.... MUSIC SCENE 5 SOUND IN CAR THEO Where are we going? LEONA Following Larry. THEO Who? LEONA [disgusted sigh] THEO [getting it] Oh, him! How do we find him again? LEONA He hasn't left yet. THEO How do you know? LEONA I ordered donuts. DALI 1 Oh! LEONA Shh. You're not here, remember? DALI 1 [singing] I swear! THEO Why is she hiding in the back seat under your gym bag? LEONA One - so she won't be seen, since she won't take off that wig. DALI 1 It is my own hair! LEONA Like hell. I saw it shift. DALI 1 It is a wig - but it IS my own hair. LEONA [shudder] uhhhhh. THEO And two? LEONA Two what? THEO You said that was reason one. What's two? LEONA So you can focus, dumbass. THEO Oh. LEONA There he goes! Keep your eyes on the green Camaro. THEO Camaro? LEONA [growl] Green car. Coming out of the parking garage! THEO Gotcha. MUSIC SCENE 6 AMB PARK LARRY [giving a code phrase] The dog flies in the springtime. DALI 2 [squeaky] Yellow is the color of my true love's eyes. LARRY You sound... different. DALI 2 I use a voice modulator on stage. LARRY Ah. So. The world is listening. Tell me your story. DALI 2 Listening? Aren't you from the print media? LARRY Oh. Yeah. I was speaking figuratively. DALI 2 I see. Anyway... I have a really big story, but I have to be certain it will see print! LARRY Of course! SOUND FOOTSTEPS STORM UP DALI 1 Imposter! DALI 2 Imposter! LEONA [off, whispered] I thought you were watching her! THEO [vague] Uh-huh. LEONA Go get the story dumbass. THEO But you? LEONA I can take photos from here. THEO [vague] Okay. SOUND SLAP LEONA Did I mention I'm not giving warnings any more? LARRY [angry] You? No way! The tale of two Dalis is all mine! THEO I - we - brought one of them. LARRY Then dance with the Dali you came with! It's only fair! DALI 1 She's a fake! DALI 2 She's a fake! THEO Waitaminute. You don't even sound like-- BOTH DALIS Autotune!! DALI 3 [chiming in] Autotune. THEO Oh. Huh? Three? MUSIC SCENE 7 WAITRESS All, righty then - that will be 3 orders of waffles, three fruit cups- ALL DALIS It's the only thing vegan on the menu. WAITRESS And two pots of coffee. Comin right up! SOUND DOOR OPENS SOUND DINER NOISES SOUND DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OUT THE SOUND LEONA [prompting] Ok, this isn't going to last forever - someone will say something, eventually, and then these three won't be an exclusive any more! LARRY Exclusive to all three of us. I get my credit, too. THEO Of course! Fair is fair. LEONA [muttered] I got your credit right here. DALI 1 Can we get on with this? DALI 2 I have a recording session in two hours. DALI 3 No, I do. DALI 1 How can they be so much like me? LEONA Ask them some questions - figure out which is the real one. THEO Right. Ok. Which of you is the real Baby Dali? ALL DALIS I am. DALI 3 Or should I say [singing] I am me and no one else is. LARRY Sounds convincing to me. LEONA I think that one's a guy. THEO That doesn't help... there's been "speculation" about Dali. LEONA [disgusted noise] Ugh! At least let me get some snaps while you think. SOUND TAKING PHOTOS THEO Gee, they even pose alike. LARRY I guess it will all come down to DNA. THEO I don't think so. Dali is a notorious germophobe, and a compulsive clean freak. [nervously over explaining] According to her official web page, which I only browsed for informational newspaper business reasons. LARRY Yeah, me too, but I didn't read much. Those costumes are pretty skimpy. THEO Don't be so creepy, not right in front of her - uh, them. SCENE 8 SOUND DOOR KICKED IN THEO Whoa! LARRY [faints] Uhhh... LEONA I'll be in the... uh... Corner. THEO Stop right there! MELODY You're not giving orders here! HARMONY Yeah. Get those hands up where we can see them. LEONA Keep them talking, this is great. THEO Talking? LEONA Find out what they want. THEO They're dressed like ninjas. MELODY What did you say? THEO Nothing! MELODY I heard you, and I have perfect pitch. THEO oh. Nothing ... uh... uncomplimentary. MELODY [getting closer] Do you know who we are? LEONA Say no. THEO Uh, no? and - and I don't want to, because that way I can never identify you or even report you for robbing a waffle house! MELODY [scoffing] Waffle house! HARMONY We care nothing for your waffles. THEO Uh, ok. ALL DALIS We're having the fruit cup. MELODY No. No fruit cup today. You are coming with us. Just you three. LEONA You can't just leave us here. We might-- [prompting] might--? THEO Uh, what? LEONA We might [prompting] do something? Ugh! THEO We might tell [heavy import] THEM. MELODY [horrified] How do you know about THEM? LEONA I'm actually impressed. THEO oh... Everyone knows about THEM. But only a select few know how to reach THEM. LEONA Smoothie. MELODY [grim] right. You will come with us as well. HARMONY What about the sleeping one? Does he know THEM? LEONA Oh, him? He doesn't know anyone. MUSIC SCENE 9 SOUND WALKING, ECHOEY MELODY Stop! THEO Can we take off the blindfolds now? MELODY Harmony! Take off the blindfolds. And search them. We don't want any messages getting to THEM. SOUND RUSTLING ALL DALIS [general interjections of annoyance like Hey! Stop! Ouch! Ooh!] HARMONY Give me your phone. LEONA Here. SOUND ZIP HARMONY What's this, in your bag? [confused, examining a camera] It has a lens like a phone, but it's awfully big. And it doesn't even have a keypad. LEONA Hmph. It's an antique. Keepsake. I keep meaning to have it mounted on a keychain. HARMONY It's big for a keychain. LEONA [exasperated] I'll never lose my keys. Besides, I still use the flash... uh - flashlight function sometimes. See? SOUND CAMERA SNAPS HARMONY Oh. Ok then. And you. THEO Be gentle. LEONA [sarcastic aside] Be careful. At least she left on the ninja mask. [up, to Theo] find out what's going on. THEO Harmony, is it? A codename, I'm sure, since you and your partner there are clearly too smart to use your real names in front of your victims - I mean in front of civilians. HARMONY [noncommittal grunt] Hmph. THEO All right. I'm not asking for me, but what do you plan to do with the Baby Dalis? I worry that something bad is going to happen. HARMONY Nothing bad. To them. THEO That's a lower case "them," right? Not a THEM them? MELODY Enough chit-chat! You probably know why we brought you here-- LEONA Not a clue. THEO No. MELODY We are the Secret Protectorate Aligned to Reduce or Control Leaching of Entertainers. THEO Leaching? Huh? MELODY We needed an "L". LEONA Sparcle? [snort of almost laughter] THEO Tell me more. I'm a good listener. MELODY You don't know it, friend, but there's a celebrity crisis happening every 20 minutes, and no one else is trying to help! THEO No? Really? MELODY That - those three - are proof of the latest perfidy the government has in the works. ALL DALIS We are? MELODY [definite] Cloning. THEO Wow. ALL DALIS Uh... DALI 3 [panicked] I need to use the bathroom. MUSIC SCENE 10 [Whispered conversation] DALI 1 Yes, my disappearance was a publicity stunt, and yes I am the real Baby Dali. LEONA Heh heh - just like To Tell The Truth. DALI 2 What? LEONA God I feel old. THEO And the other two - you and ... her? DALI 2 Professional Dali impersonator. I was just taking advantage of the vacuum left by her-- SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER DALI 3 [crying and running in] MELODY Do not worry, Baby Dalis, we are only here to liberate you and facilitate your re-entry into society. LEONA Like a celebrity dogpound. THEO Wait! MELODY What? THEO Uh-- LEONA Better make it truly, monumentally good. DALI 2 Way to take the pressure off. THEO Uh, what if I were to tell you I'm a reporter for the Weekly World Bugle? MELODY I would be forced to kill you. HARMONY We're not yet ready to reveal our manifesto to the world. THEO Ah. Good thing that would have been a ruse, then, eh? LEONA We're gonna die. THEO But you have to ask yourself, then, how DO I know about THEM? Moment of silence MELODY [cold] I don't have to ask anything. HARMONY [shocked] Melody! You know that we can't do that! [cut off] MELODY Shh!!! How do I even know that you know about THEM, eh? LEONA I do not want to die at the hands of bimbos named after the bugaloos. THEO [ominous but vague] Do you know about the government connection? MELODY [shocked] You know? THEO But it's not who you think it is. They want us to believe it's this department, or that [hinting] bureau, when ultimately... [trails off suggestively] HARMONY He does know! THEO The officials in question might just find themselves a little less able to sleep at night, if they knew that you knew that I know that THEY know just what's behind it all. MELODY Do you know the countersign? THEO Like that incident last month. [breaking his train] The what? LEONA [muttered] Bugaloos. THEO What? MELODY [suspicious] It almost sounds like you're one of us. Do you know the countersign? LEONA [muttered] Benita Bizarre? THEO Uh... Josie and the Pussycats? LEONA [exasperated] Damn! MELODY Welcome brother! LEONA [impressed] Damn! MUSIC SCENE 11 AMB DIFFERENT ROOM SOUND STEPS MELODY Don't speak yet. SOUND MUSIC TURNED ON MELODY It jams any listening device. THEO I love this song. MELODY It seemed fitting. [suddenly brisk] So. What do you know about the cloning project? THEO Uh... nothing specific. We've had our eye on suspicious activity for quite some time. MELODY Damn. I was hoping. THEO But-- MELODY What? THEO Well... I don't think they can be actual "clones". Don't they take years to grow? And Baby Dali only really got famous with her song "Treehouse victim" last year. MELODY You underestimate the cloning process. The technology is there. THEO Oh. But they're not... perfect copies...? MELODY That is the trickiest part. They are clearly mixing DNA. THEO Clearly? MELODY Yes. The squeaky one is probably mixed with that creepy chick from Poultergeist. THEO Ri-i-ight. And the other? MELODY [definite] Morgan Freeman. THEO Uh, yeah. SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN HARMONY (breathless) We've found more! There must have been a breach at the Baby Dali containment center! THEO Containment Center? MELODY They had to breed them some place. THEO Tell me, do you guys see a lot of Elvises? MELODY How many? THEO Thousands. MELODY No, I mean how many Babys have we found? HARMONY Four more, and another 8 possible sightings. THEO That's a lot of Dalis. MUSIC SCENE 12 SOUND DOOR OPENS, SCUFFLE SUDDENLY STOPS SOUND FEET, DOOR SHUTS THEO What are you doing? DALI 2 I want to take this all off and get them to let me go! But they won't let me! LEONA Naked? That'll be a photo op. DALI 2 Just the makeup and wig! DALI 1 Never tarnish the illusion. THEO Don't! Their belief in this clone thing might be the only thing keeping us all alive. DALI 3 Besides, I can't take it off - I've had surgery. THEO [creeped out] Oh? DALI 3 For my FACE. Not down there. That's probably what started all the rumors. DALI 1 I love the rumors. DALI 3 [starstruck] You do? Really? LEONA Shh! SOUND SILENCE, DOOR OPENS HARMONY Get in there! SOUND SEVERAL PAIRS OF FEET LEONA More? THEO Oh, yeah. They've been finding more of them. SOUND DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS DALI 4 They took me right off the stage! DALI 5 I was on a date. DALI 7 Busking in the subway. DALI 8 [bad asian accent] I Baby Dorry. DALI 6 I was working a party. THEO And no one tried to stop them from taking you? DALI 6 What could 6-year olds do? THEO Oh. [gets it] Ohhh. DALI 9 I like your glasses. Are those Couture? DALI 10 Knockoffs, but they're good aren't they? I'll give you the url. LEONA Even if one of them does get naked, I don't think it will stop them. [up] Haven't you - no I mean you - already done that on stage? ALL DALIS I am a SPECTACLE! LEONA She's done just about everything on stage except light her farts. THEO That's it! ALL DALIS We're vegan. LEONA Don't look at me. THEO I don't mean [hinting] lighting gas... LEONA You lost me. THEO Have you ever seen the movie Gaslight? MUSIC SCENE 13 THEO Hey! You better get in here! SOUND LOCK UNLOCKING LEONA One more shot. SOUND SNAPSHOT SOUND DOOR OPENS HARMONY [horrified] What happened? Where's their hair? MELODY Is she - uh, that one - dead? THEO [strange voice] She is dying of captivity. ALL DALIS [chanting together] We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams. MELODY But she's still talking. THEO Mechanical convictions. HARMONY I love that song. MELODY Brother Theo, what happened? THEO There is more at work here than you can comprehend. I like you. LEONA Straight from Gaslight to Star Trek. Smooth. MELODY What? THEO But I hate you. HARMONY You're mean! SOUND SHE GOES RUNNING OFF, CRYING ALL DALIS [CHANTING ALONG] World-losers and world forsakers, on who the pale moon gleams. THEO Oh! Uh-- LEONA Don't back off. THEO Right. [trying to match the Dali tone] We are the Music Makers and We are the Dreamers of Dreams. LEONA You do realize she didn't write that, don't you? MELODY [confused] Why are you just speaking it like that, why aren't you singing? THEO [creepy whisper] Because - we have no melody! MELODY [disturbed] But-but I'm Melody! THEO Are you? Are you even here? MELODY I - I am! And I still have the gun - uh... [horrified] My gun?! LEONA Plan B. SOUND GUN COCKS LEONA [commanding] Time to go. THEO Ok, we-- LEONA Quick, before they decide on an encore. MUSIC SCENE 14 CHIEF Good thing you got them all moving. LEONA We got pictures of them both with and without the wigs, and of them leaving to get on a special charter bus. THEO They painted the name on the side really fast. LEONA No, that's actually a company that only gives tours to Dali impersonators. THEO Go figure. Do they have an Elvis bus too? LEONA Yeah. But they get fewer drag performers. CHIEF [reminiscent] Yeah. They serve deep fried bananas, and spin a wheel to see which color outfit gets to sit shotgun. [breaking out] Uh, uh - I mean, I hear they do. LEONA [quick, changing the subject] Right. We've got at least four stories out of this. THEO And something for Larry. LEONA [annoyed and horrified] What? THEO He was in on it, too. [sheepish] at the beginning. CHIEF Larry? Larry who? LEONA From the switchboard. CHIEF Look kid. Being nice ain't how news gets made. It's just a fact o' life. THEO Well... If we don't give him something, he might take what he DOES have and go to another paper. LEONA You want to give him a story? THEO [weakly] He could have the waffle house kidnapping. LEONA [long suffering sigh] I guess. As long as he leaves our names out of it. You just volunteered to edit it. THEO Okay. CHIEF So what else do you have for me? THEO Mass migration of dalis. LEONA [snickering] SPARCLE. THEO The sublimation of and abrogation of self in the gestalt identity of celebrity. LEONA Seriously? THEO I can spin it. CHIEF Nice. Big words make people believe crap like that. Whatever it is. THEO I meant an article on how people try and be like famous people. CHIEF Keep the big words. It sounds better. THEO I'll find some experts. LEONA [another idea] There's also that thing about whether she is a he. Theo found out-- THEO Uh, no. CHIEF What do you mean? THEO The real one wouldn't confirm or deny. LEONA Even when she kissed you? THEO Yeah, well... [shrugs] A Dali is a Dali. CHIEF You could do something with that, you know. On the puzzles page. Get three of them and one fake impersonator. LEONA [chuckles] CHIEF Put pictures of them all in a four box grid and stick some clues in as to which is which. Run a little contest. Think about it. [commanding] In your office. I have to call someone about flowers. THEO [thinking back to the wedding thing] Flowers? For? CHIEF Truman at the Guardian when he drops dead seeing our headlines. THEO Ohhh. Good. LEONA Come on. CHIEF Eh. Maybe I should just send that stripper. SOUND DOOR SHUTS SOUND THEY LEAVE - THIS FADES ACROSS THE BULLPEN LEONA I like the puzzle idea, though we should make it 9-up, like the brady bunch. THEO Who? LEONA [angry growl] Nostalgia. Look it up. THEO Who will be the fake impersonator? LEONA She did say you have a nice face. THEO NO way! LEONA I have to take the picture. REPORTER 4 We actually already have all the Dalis we can use. REPORTER 3 No, thanks, but if you have an MJ sighting? No? REPORTER 2 Anything else? Photo of the prez stepping into a spaceship? REPORTER 1 Yes, yes I'll ask - can we use anything from Ringo Starr? He's on the line and-- ALL REPORTERS Naaaaaaaah. FADE TO END
Rookie newshound Theo Walsh is sent on his first job for the World Bugle (provider of hard-hitting news about Elvis, aliens, and the paranormal) Oh, my! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo Walsh - Henry Mark Leona Pope - Robyn Keyes Selena Hempstead - Karena Fredrick Chief - Julie Hoverson Child - Chandra Wade Truth - Melissa Pang Justice - Jerry Bennett Hygiene - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Bruce, the Bounty Hunter - Joel Harvey Sidekick - Reynaud Leboeuf Awesome Guest appearance by Bryan, Dave, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie Podcast as the other reporters!!! Episode Music: Josh Woodward (www.joshwoodward.com) 19 Nocturne theme - Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock What kind of a place is it? Why it's a bullpen - this is where the NEWS happens. *********************************************************************** CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Selena Hempstead, the mother Theo Walsh, cub reporter Leona Pope, jaded old hand photographer Justice, older male cultist Hygiene, stern female cultist Truth, sweet female cultist Chief, Editor of the Monthly Bugle Reporters Bryan, Dave, Randy and Wes Bruce the bounty hunter Thug, his sidekick Child OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a bullpen, can't you tell? This is where the news happens. MUSIC SOUND PASSING THROUGH A NOISY NEWSROOM REPORTER BRYAN [on phone] We can't do anything about that unless Elvis actually spoke to you. He did? Can your dog verify that? REPORTER WES [on phone] Right, I got that, but the beans - you have to eat them raw for the diet to work? Isn't that kind of crunchy? REPORTER RANDY Do you have any pictures? Was the alien wearing the leather bunny suit while it was impregnating you? REPORTER DAVE How do you know the post-it was placed on your fridge by aliens? SOUND DOOR OPENS, NOISE CONTINUES UNDER THEO Hello? Boss? LEONA Come on in. THEO Cool! SOUND DOOR SHUTS, NOISE CUT OUT THEO Hey! I'm super excited to have this chance to-- LEONA Save it. I'm not the guy. Editor'll be back in a moment. THEO Oh! Well, I'm Theo. SOUND FLUSH LEONA Whatever you do, don't stare. THEO Stare? SOUND DOOR OPENS, HANDS WIPING ON TOWEL CHIEF All right - oh you're here, good. THEO Um - yeah, I'm so excited to have this chance to-- CHIEF Save it. I got your resume. Right, Theo - Theo.... SOUND PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED THEO Walsh? CHIEF You don't sound all that sure. Not a bad name, though kinda normal. How about we give you a nickname - Flash! No, that doesn't work with Walsh. Zip? LEONA I'll see what fits. What's the job? CHIEF Yeah, yeah. Ok, Theo Walsh with a journalism degree from West Podunk Community College, meet Leona Pope - she'll keep you from hurting yourself or making the Bugle liable. LEONA Mostly I just take your photos. THEO So, what are we going to be working on--? CHIEF Theo. Leona. E-O. There you go. You're the E-O team now - no, no - even better - Team E-O. LEONA Whatever. CHIEF All business, eh, doll? Right, then. Look, Theo, my family has run this magazine for three generations. THEO [eager] Oh, yes - I know! LEONA [heavy sigh] Newb. THEO This newspaper brings the most cutting edge stories to life every week! LEONA You actually believe that? CHIEF Shut it. Go on. THEO Well, I've followed the World Bugle for years - and I do realize that a lot of the material in here is puff - or straight out made up stuff-- CHIEF What!? THEO [backpedaling] No! no - let me explain! I understand completely - to be able to print the hard cold truth about the really controversial topics, like UFOs and the paranormal, you have to fill in the bulk of the magazine with implausibilities, just so that the real truth only reaches the people who already understand! CHIEF Hmph. Yeah. Something like that. LEONA [wicked chuckle] CHIEF Anyway. I've got a sauna and massage, followed by a mani-pedi at noon, so let's get you moving-- I have an informant in room 3. Have fun. THEO I'm so excited about this-- LEONA Come on. SOUND PHONE PICKED UP CHIEF Yeah, Sergei? Oh yeah, that sounds real nice... SOUND DOOR OPENS, NEWSROOM NOISE LEONA Left. SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO Wh-what did you mean, don't stare? LEONA At the Chief. THEO He looks just like any other big newspaper editor. LEONA You missed it? THEO You mean the comb-over and five o'clock shadow? The mole? The flabby man-boobs? LEONA Woman-boobs. THEO [shuddering] Oh.... SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP THEO After you. LEONA You're the reporter. You go first. [ominous] Always. THEO You make that sound like a bad thing. LEONA I've been in the biz for 20 years and I've been teamed up 73 times. You do the math. THEO Oh. SOUND DOOR OPENS THEO Hello. Um, I'm Theo-- LEONA Wink. THEO [boggled] What? LEONA Trying out nicknames. THEO Not right now. SELENA Hello? THEO Yes, sorry. I'm Theo. This is Leona. SELENA Is it safe here? THEO Um-- SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO [shrug] Yeah. [brightly] So you have a story for us? SELENA Yes, but - there's a life at stake. THEO [eager] Really? SELENA [trying not to cry] My... baby. THEO Oh! Here-- SOUND TISSUE BOX GRABBED AND MOVED, TISSUE PULLED SELENA [blows her nose] They took him--! THEO Aliens? SELENA No. Worse. THEO Scientologists? SELENA [dry, not crying] Oh, please. [sniffling again] Cultists. THEO Other cultists? SELENA [annoyed] Yes - are you--? Um, is there another reporter I can talk to? THEO Sorry, I'm just trying to make sure I get my facts straight. LEONA [musing] Straight. Arrow. Shooter. THEO What? LEONA Nothing. But I think you got your first headline right there. THEO I do? LEONA [important] CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! MUSIC, BUT SELENA [over music] Did you say his first? MUSIC ENDS SOUND CAR NOISES THEO [narrating] So team E-O made their way to the lair of the cultists. LEONA Town. THEO They have a whole town? LEONA Were you narrating? SOUND TAPE RECORDER TURNED OFF, HIDDEN THEO Me, no. Why? Is that bad? LEONA I worked with a guy who narrated once. Once. THEO [gulp] Oh. Well. What's the name of this town? LEONA Where were you during the interview? THEO I was there - I even took notes. LEONA How many shirt buttons did she have open? THEO [dreamy] four. LEONA [sigh] THEO Right, um-- SOUND FLIPPING PAGES THEO Wow. [reading] I don't remember any of this. LEONA Automatic writing? THEO How do you think I got through college? SOUND FLIPS ONE MORE PAGE THEO Aha! Sorry - nope. I didn't get the name. Just wrote "Town." LEONA Yup. THEO What? LEONA The name was "town". Apparently they're big on using the "true names" of things. THEO Bet that's easy to find on a map. MUSIC LEONA [flat] Wow. [sucks in air] Just... wow. THEO It's so...clean. And everyone looks kind of ... normal. LEONA What were you expecting? Black robes and facial tattoes? THEO Um... yeah. TRUTH May I help you? THEO um--? LEONA All yours. THEO [gulps] Right. [deep breath, blows out] Right. We're ...uh... LEONA Smooth. That should be your nickname. Smoothie. THEO ...scouting for a new smoothie bar. Our Smoothie bar company...um... Groovy Smoothie ...is looking for new locations. LEONA Not too dusty. TRUTH Wow. That would be lovely. But you'd have to use all natural ingredients. We're very back to nature here. THEO I noticed. The all-cotton clothes. The non-synthetic shoes and accessories. LEONA Metrosexual. TRUTH Are you sure you just noticed, or have you been doing your homework? THEO Um... While I'd love to say I was bright enough-- LEONA So would I. THEO --to look ahead, I really just noticed. TRUTH That's still good. Why don't we walk and you can tell me more about your smoothies? LEONA I'll just snap some pics. For the folks back home. You two kids talk. THEO Yeah. Sure! MUSIC AMB IN CAR, DRIVING LEONA [exasperated sigh] I sure hope you were taking notes. She was too cute for your ears to work. THEO If she's an example, I can't believe they're any kind of BAD cult. LEONA Dickhead. THEO What? LEONA Just addressing your thinking end. THEO No, I'm not... that kind of guy! She's sweet. [beat] I'm really not! LEONA Yeah, yeah. What did miss pretty poison have to say? THEO Truth. LEONA Pushover. THEO No, her name's Truth. They go in for-- LEONA Those literal names, right. THEO Yup. Anyway, I couldn't ask about kidnapped kids, being in the smoothie business, but I think I got some good notes about the layout of the place. LEONA Where do they keep the kids? SOUND FLIPPING PAGES THEO Well, they actually take in a lot of foster kids in this town. Apparently, they think of it as a holy cause - working with troubled children. LEONA Vulnerable and open to manipulation. Or already so messed up, they can't complain. THEO No! They work on healing their psychic wounds. LEONA Her words? THEO Yes.... LEONA Did she try and sell you on the religion? THEO [trying to change the subject] Uh, is it much further to the motel? LEONA [resigned, commanding] Show me. SOUND PAMPHLET PULLED FROM POCKET THEO It's research. LEONA Right. Cuz they'd want a smoothie shop run by a non-believer. THEO I actually told her that the company's policy was to bring in a manager, but hire everyone else locally - then, if someone local was able to take over, the company would be happy to-- LEONA McDoggies? THEO What? LEONA Where you worked your way through college? THEO Oh. Yeah. Actually ...um... let's just say I can't stand the smell of coffee any more. LEONA Oh-ho! MUSIC [whispered conversation] SOUND CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES THEO Thanks for coming along! LEONA Are you joking? This is how I get my best pictures. You go first. THEO Right. This should be about where the orphanage office is-- LEONA Shh! SOUND INDISTINCT VOICES THEO [whispered] Just a bit closer. HYGIENE [normal, but off] ...utterly unruly. We have had to use... very stringent techniques. THEO [whispered] Brainwashing! LEONA [whispered] Listen now - talk later! JUSTICE [normal but off] You have all my faith, Hygiene. You know how vital your part in this is. THEO [whispered] I wish I had a tape recorder. LEONA [whispered] Hand. THEO [whispered] Huh? SOUND SLAPS SOMETHING INTO HIS HAND SOUND THUMP ON MIKE as it segues into a recording. EVERYTHING NOT NOTED IS ON THE RECORDING LEONA [whispered] It's already running. THEO [whispered] But it's so small-- LEONA [whispered] I'm gonna slap you. THEO [whispered] Right! SOUND FUMBLING WITH THE MIKE LEONA [now] I still plan to slap you. THEO [now] Um, OK. [bracing himself] Go on. LEONA [now] Uh-uh [no]. More fun if you don't see it coming. BACK TO THE TAPE unless noted THEO Which end do I-- Ow! SOUND SLAP LEONA See? Just get it near the window. [fading out] It picks up everything. THEO [off] okay. HYGIENE [fading in] running all over the place, breaking things, and causing havoc. JUSTICE That WOULD be more predictable. HYGIENE But Lucifer just sits and stares wrathfully! He is completely placid when you move him, but he won't respond to commands! THEO [real] Lucifer? What happened to the whole true names thing? JUSTICE Docility has its place. LEONA [real] Maybe he has to graduate first or something. HYGIENE It is unnatural in a child this age. JUSTICE Perhaps it is time for... extreme measures. HYGIENE Give me one more week before we subject him to that? JUSTICE There isn't time. We have to break him, Hygiene. Make him ours. HYGIENE Very well, father justice. Your word is my command. SOUND TAPE CLICKS OFF, BACK TO REAL AMB HOTEL ROOM. THUMPING NOISES AND BEDSPRINGS FROM NEXT DOOR THEO Wow. LEONA Yeah. [beat] They've been at it for nearly an hour now. THEO No, I mean the tape. [beat] It sounds horrible. LEONA Course it does. THEO Can you imagine the leg cramps you would get? LEONA The tape? THEO Right. So, we have to get that kid out of there! LEONA And you've been smoking, what? THEO Huh? LEONA We report the news. We don't make it. THEO But how can we leave a poor defenseless child in the hands of ... those people? LEONA Easy. We drive away, file the story, and then come back in a year to file another story about how the kid is growing up in the cult. Then a five year follow up, a tenth anniversary... THEO No. How about this - intrepid reporter bravely rescues child from abductors? You can't say that's not a prime story! LEONA Hmph. Yes, but-- THEO But? LEONA [evil sweet] How about this? Dumbass rookie newshound shot dead trying to break into secret cult enclave. THEO Oh. MUSIC AMB BAR THEO What do I do here? LEONA Mingle. Try not to get carded more than once, peach fuzz. THEO Shouldn't we be getting ready for the drive home? LEONA [sigh] Local color. Trying to see what the nearby folks think of the people up in Town. THEO Really? LEONA And half price jello shooters. It IS ladies' night. [commanding] You're driving. THEO Leona? Leo? Oh, crap. TRUTH Smoothie man! THEO Uh, yeah. Yes. Truth. Nice to see you - not the kind of place - um - TRUTH [teasing] Where you usually find much truth? THEO Right. [laughs unconvincingly] Yeah. Aren't you supposed to be all holy or something? I mean - darn it - I mean, not drinking and carousing or anything? TRUTH Carousing? I didn't think anyone used that word any more. THEO Writers do. I mean, I write. Stuff. TRUTH Like? THEO Like? TRUTH Stuff like what? THEO uh [wobbles] Greeting cards? TRUTH Lots of...carousing... in greeting cards. THEO [fumbling, but gaining strength] I don't plan to write greeting cards forever. [shakes himself back to the present] But why are you here? TRUTH We believe in being as real as possible. Having fun is very real. And no, we don't drink, but we do dance and occasionally even sing karaoke. THEO [terrified] Karry-[gulp]-oke? TRUTH Thursdays. You're in "no danger, Will Robinson." THEO So you don't believe a sense of humor is wrong either. TRUTH Nope. SHIFT THROUGH THE BAR, MUSIC GETS LOUDER AT THIS END LEONA [slurry, drunk] Jes one more - green's my flavorite. BRUCE One more and you're gonna be flat on the floor, babe. LEONA On top o' you. BRUCE [chuckles] This floor is dirty - we gotta perfectly nice carpet back at our hotel. LEONA [a bit sharper] "We?" BRUCE Me and my partner. LEONA I don't shwing that way. BRUCE Nah - not like that! We work together. That's him over there with the redheaded triplets hanging on his every word. LEONA The viking? What kind of work you do? BRUCE [sexy whisper] Promise you won't tell? LEONA Crosh my heart. BRUCE That's not your heart. LEONA Oh yeah? I got hearts all over the place. BRUCE Ooh. Well, we're-- [glances around] Bounty hunters. LEONA Like the guy on TV? BRUCE Well I'm single, but yeah. LEONA You gonna apprehend someone? BRUCE Something like that. But the only one I want to get my hands on tonight is you. LEONA Mmm. I gotta hit the catbox. Be back after I scratch. BRUCE I'll get you more .... green. LEONA Oh, yeah. MUSIC SWELLS FOR A SECOND, THEN SLOWS TO A DANCE TRUTH You're a very nice guy, Smoothie. THEO It's ...Theo. TRUTH We like names that describe people. THEO I'm really not all that... smooth. TRUTH Feels like it from here. LEONA [not sounding the least bit drunk] We're going. THEO What? TRUTH At least let us finish this dance. LEONA Sorry, babe. Duty calls. THEO Smoothie duty. TRUTH What--? SOUND DOOR SLAMS MUSIC CUTS OUT AMB OUTSIDE, NIGHT THEO What was all that? LEONA We need to get out of here. [moving slightly away] THEO Out of town? LEONA Out of the line of fire. SOUND CAR DOOR DOOTS LEONA It's a setup. SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS THEO What? Set up for what? SOUND DOOR SLAMS LEONA [in car, something unintelligible] THEO What? SOUND WINDOW ROLLS DOWN LEONA I'm leaving. You can climb in or stand here. SOUND DOOR WRENCHED OPEN THEO I thought I was supposed to drive! [ends in a squeal as she yanks him in] MUSIC Amb In car THEO Where are we going? LEONA Back to headquarters. THEO Why? LEONA [sigh, drums fingers] Bounty hunters. THEO Are you on their hot list? LEONA Not me. Dammit, kid - think! What are the odds there's a fugitive in this area? Anyone they might be hunting other than-- [tails off, hinting] THEO Us? LEONA How can you be so dense? THEO [finally getting it] Oh! The kid! LEONA Bingo, Smoothie. MOMENT OF SILENCE THEO We need to go back. LEONA You're an idiot. THEO I'm not. LEONA You're smitten, ya weenie. THEO I'm not-- [gives up] Yes. Yes, I'm ... in love with Truth. LEONA Right. THEO But I'm even more in love with the idea of catching bounty hunters in the act. LEONA [wobbling a bit] No. THEO [spinning the story] Breaking into a religious compound. LEONA [cracking a bit more] No. THEO [seductive] Maybe using extreme force. Carrying off a kicking and screaming toddler. LEONA [growl] SOUND CAR BRAKES TO A STOP LEONA [ground out] You little shit. MUSIC AMB NIGHT, OUTSIDE SOUND CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES LEONA [whispered] Well, Déjà my vu, kemosabe. THEO [whispered] I think we beat them here. We have to warn Truth. LEONA Hell to the no, as they say. You can play hero all you want - AFTER I get the shot. THEO What if they have guns? LEONA Stop, drop and roll. I'll be in the bushes. MUSIC TIME PASSES THEO [yawning, dozing off] SOUND A DISTANT CAR PULLS UP THEO another big yawn SOUND SPRITZ THEO [gasping and choking, suddenly muffled] [note: Leona sprayed breath freshener in his open snoozing mouth then slapped a hand over it when he woke up] LEONA [urgent whisper] Shh! They're here. THEO [finally gets control of himself, gulps] WHY'D you do that? LEONA Nothing like waking up minty fresh! They're over there, far side of the-- oh boy. THEO What? It's so dark. LEONA [tsks] Looks like three of them, skulking across the lawn. THEO [amused] Skulking. LEONA What's wrong with skulking? THEO Truth would be amused-- LEONA Fine! But later, all right? THEO Oh. Yeah. Skulking now. Can we-- um-- head them off at the pass? LEONA They're heading directly for the orphanage building. THEO [uncertain] Oh, good. Um.... LEONA [sigh] Over there. THEO Right. MUSIC AMB - STILL OUTSIDE [another whispered conversation - unless otherwise noted] THEO Did you see them? LEONA Two of em went in- the third must be a rear guard. THEO How can you be sure you saw three? LEONA Watching stuff. It's sort of my job. You're getting slapped again. SOUND DISTANT COMMOTION INSIDE BUILDING THEO lights! They're gonna be running! LEONA I got it. SOUND THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SCENE, SHUTTER CLICKS A LOT AS SHE TAKES SNAPS SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, RUNNING FEET, DOOR SLAMS SHUT CHILD [wails] BRUCE [hissed order] keep him quiet! THUG He bit me! CHILD No no no no no! SOUND DOOR OPENS AGAIN JUSTICE [to the back of the concert hall] Stop! SOUND FOOTSTEPS HESITATE SELENA [off, but also loud] Bring me my child! BRUCE You heard the lady. TRUTH We must do something! JUSTICE No. This is now in the hands of the lord. HYGIENE I can only pray we've done enough. THEO [standing and declaring himself] No way - this is just wrong! EVERYONE REACTS LEONA I'll be in the bushes. SELENA [a bit closer] You're here? I thought you morons had bailed on me! THEO Of course not-- morons? [offended] The hell you say! SELENA Very likely. [to justice] You thought you could stop my dear little baby from fulfilling his destiny, eh? [evil genius] From wiping you and your kind from the entire world? THEO Him? SOUND RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES LEONA Hand! THEO What? LEONA Recorder! THEO oh! SELENA Yes! I did it! The whole nine yards. Did the rituals, wore the lederhosen, slept with the devil. My child is the antichrist! THEO Woh! I didn't see that coming. CHILD [trying to get her attention] Mommy! SELENA And all your pathetic humanistic attempts to destroy him have come to naught! CHILD [more urgent] Mommy! SELENA He will grow into his destiny and rule over all of creation! CHILD [sharp] Mommy! SELENA Honey, mommy's busy. And throw the entire world into chaos! CHILD [almost crying] Mommy! SELENA All right, mommy's done now. [babytalk] Woochie wanna, wittle son of evil? CHILD Wanna see what I can do? SELENA Isn't he cute! Whatcha gonna do, my baby beelzebub? [eager] Gonna spin your head around? Gonna spit fire? CHILD [teasing] Nooo. SELENA Gonna rend these naughty nice people into tiny itsy bitsy bloody wittle chunks? CHILD Noooo. SELENA Whatcha gonna do then, my tiny tormentor? Show mommy! CHILD Okay. I try and rerember. [breath, noise of concentration] SELENA oh, his first evil gesture! Anyone have a videophone? THEO Why aren't you and your friends running? TRUTH It wouldn't help. Why aren't you? THEO Leona'd kill me if I lost the scoop. SELENA Do you need help lacing your fingers together honey? CHILD No! I can do it myself. SELENA [brimming over with pride] Of course you can. Of course you can! CHILD There. Now mommy watch! SELENA I'm watching hun. Oh, if only your father could see you now! THEO His father--? Ohh. CHILD See my hands? SELENA Yes! Knotted together like one big fist. Will you smite your enemies? CHILD Whass smite? SELENA I'll explain it later - go on and show me what you wanted to show me CHILD [starts speaking, but very quiet] SELENA Honey, can you speak up? Just a little? Mommy can't hear you! CHILD [deep sigh of exasperation] Listen! This is the church. This [small noise of effort] is the steeple. Open the doors and [more effort, then triumphant] see all the people! SELENA [horrified] What? CHILD See all the people, mommy? My finners are the people in the church! SELENA [big screamy accusation] You! You've ruined him! CHILD Mommy! See the people in the church! SELENA [breaking into sobs] All that hard work! The lederhosen! Nooooo! SOUND RUNNING AWAY, nooooing BRUCE [yelling after her] Hey? Hey lady? Are we still getting paid? MUSIC THEO [end of a story] So sister Hygiene took him back in for some milk and cookies and a round of kumbaya. SOUND RATTLE OF 8x10s Chief Nice work Leo. We'll have to touch up the pics, maybe give the kid some horns-- LEONA Nah put em on the mom. She earned it. THEO Next you'll want an artist's rendition of Selena in lederhosen cavorting with Satan-- CHIEF [avid] Great idea! Very sexy! I like. I want the copy on my desk first thing tomorrow. SOUND DOOR OPENS - NEWSROOM NOISE IN BG THEO [weakly protesting] But- but we just got back-- SOUND PHONE DIALING CHIEF Hello? Victoria's Secret? LEONA [trying to keep from shuddering] Come on. SOUND DOOR SHUTS, AMB NEWSROOM AGAIN THEO How can I get something done by tomorrow morning? LEONA Same way you got through college. SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN CHIEF Hey, Leo - you ever come up with a nickname for the kid here? LEONA Oh, yeah. THEO You did? LEONA Smoothie. Smoothie Walsh. THEO Oh, no way-- [arguing, trails off as the sound pans back across the room. REPORTER DAVE So the potato shaped like Princess Di saved your life? How did that-- REPORTER RANDY How could you not notice the minute she took her clothes off? Oh, a hologram field? You never mentioned-- REPORTER WES And that was when you saw his third eye? Are you sure that it was Dick Cheney? REPORTER BRYAN [screaming] We have a ratboy sighting! CLOSER
A girl living in a haunted house must find a way to protect her way of life.. Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Eden - Jaiden Douwes Henry - Danar Hoverson Callandra - Julie Hoverson Frederick! - Reynaud LeBoeuf Ethan - Scott Douwes Mrs. Sherman - Angela Kirby Garth Sherman - Luke LeBoeuf News - Suzanne Dunn Henry's Mom - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Sound mastering: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Dennis Hager "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an old brownstone home, can't you tell? Where else would you expect to find ... a couple of ghosts? *************************************************************** A Ghost of a Chance Cast: Eden Anderson, precocious 11-year old Ethan Anderson, her dead father, 47 Callandra O'Doul, dead Irish maidservant, 20 Henry Torrence, burglar, 23 Frederick Ferryman, dead actor, 40s-50s Ms. Sherman, CPS, 32 Garth Sherman, her son, a bully, 13 News [anything] OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a big old brownstone, can't you tell? Where else would you find a ghost or two? SCENE 1 – coming home MUSIC SOUNDS MODERN STREET NOISE. SOUND WE FOLLOW THROUGH A CREAKY GATE. STREET NOISE QUIETS A BIT. FOOTSTEPS ON LEAVES, THEN ON WOOD PORCH. KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS PASS THROUGH. SCENE 2 – HALLWAY AND KITCHEN EDEN Hey! I'm home! SOUND BACKPACK FLUNG ONTO TABLE. DOOR SHUTS AND IS CAREFULLY LOCKED. CALLANDRA You're going to have to do some shopping soon, miss. We're almost out of soap powder. EDEN [sigh] I'll put it on the list. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, THEY HESITATE, THEN STOP EDEN What? Move it. I'm tired. CALLANDRA [evasive] You're looking a mite peaked. You could use a bite to eat. Come into the kitchen and have some soup. EDEN [slightly suspicious] O-kay... SOUND MODERN JAZZ, PLAYED LOW, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED EDEN Dad's not at the videos again is he? SOUND OPENING CUPBOARDS, CANS BEING PULLED OUT AND PLACED ON THE COUNTER CALLANDRA [not quite convincing] No. EDEN Then why don't you want me to go upstairs? SOUND POP TOP ON CAN, SOUP INTO BOWL CALLANDRA Whatever gave you that idea--? EDEN Oh, please. CALLANDRA Can I not just be concerned about you? Someone has to be! SOUND MICROWAVE OPENS, FOOD IN, SETTING TIME EDEN I'm fine. SOUND TURNS ON MICROWAVE MUSIC SCENE 3 – A BIT LATER AMBIANCE TELEVISION PLAYS LOW IN THE BACKGROUND News ....was stolen from the J.J. Holdings museum at the university today. The vase is attributed to the school of Cellini, and has been valued at nearly half a million dollars. SOUND CELLPHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS UP EDEN Hey Ariel. ... Nothing. Look, I've been thinking about-- SOUND THUMPING ON CEILING EDEN --trying out... for... Can you wait a minute, Ariel? SOUND HOLD BUTTON IS PRESSED SOUND DOOR OPENS. STEPS INTO FOYER, SLIGHT ECHO SOUND THUMPING FROM ABOVE. A COUPLE OF RAPID STEPS. SOUND [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING] CALLANDRA Oh no, miss. EDEN Yeah? Stop me. It's not dad - I can hear his computer going, and it's not you, since you're right here. Maybe Frederick? [yelling] Frederick? CALLANDRA [worried] Oh... SOUND [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING] FREDERICK [overly theatrical, as always] Enter stage right. Yeeeees? CALLANDRA See, it's all gone now-- SOUND THUMPING FROM ABOVE CALLANDRA [dismay] Ooh! EDEN [grim] What is it? FREDERICK Shall I make a recon, my young commander? EDEN Oh! Shoot! SOUND BEEP ON PHONE EDEN Gotta call you back, Ariel. Yeah, it's dad. SOUND PHONE HANGS UP EDEN Callandra? You want to explain-- SOUND DOORBELL RINGS. WHOOSH [GHOSTS LEAVING] EDEN [exasperated sound] Uuh! SOUND STAMPING FEET, CHAIN LOCK GOES ON EDEN [sighs] SOUND DOOR OPENS EDEN [sweetly] Yes? SHERMAN Good evening. Are your parents around? EDEN My father is asleep. He hasn't been feeling very well. SHERMAN I think he'll want to speak to me. FREDERICK [whisper] Why? Is she covered in chocolate? EDEN [gritted teeth] Maybe when he's feeling better. Can he call you? SHERMAN Here's my card. EDEN Oh. CALLANDRA What's C-P-S? Does that mean she's with the coppers? EDEN What's this about? I would invite you in, but-- SHERMAN No, I understand. Safety first. [serious] There's been a complaint. EDEN By who? FREDERICK [booming voice] Whom. EDEN I mean - by whom? SHERMAN I'll discuss all that with your father. Please do have him call me. [going off] All my info's on the card. EDEN [calling] Thanks - uh - Ms. Sherman. SOUND DOOR SHUTS EDEN Oh, shoot! CALLANDRA Now, it's not that bad. Is it? FREDERICK Of course it is. CPS are the child police service. They arrest bad little children. CALLANDRA The devil you say! Oh, Eden, tell me darling! They won't arrest you! EDEN They don't - but they do take children away from the wrong type of home environment. CALLANDRA [relieved] Ohhh! We're safe enough then. EDEN [as if] Ri-ight. SOUND THUMPING EDEN Are you going to tell me, or do I just get to find out for myself? CALLANDRA Oh, my stars... MUSIC SCENE 4 - UPSTAIRS SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS HENRY [gasps] Jeez! About flipping time! You ever hear of unlawful imprisonment? EDEN I've heard of burglary. HENRY You're kinda small for a cop. EDEN [exasperated noise] Dude. You can come out now, but just so you know, I've got a taser. SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS EDEN [gasps, shocked] You look like--! HENRY Got my hands up, all that. [quoting] Don't tase me, [ending lamely] uh, bro. SOUND A COUPLE MORE STEPS, THEN HENRY [grunt as he lunges at her] SOUND SCUFFLE. FALLING FURNITURE, SOMETHING BREAKS, THEN... FREDERICK [unearthly wail] HENRY [screams, then gibbers until noted] SOUND SOMETHING SMALL CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR EDEN I hate when you do that! That is so gross! [tsk, annoyed sigh] You coulda left your head on... FREDERICK [huffy] It was effective. EDEN [sigh] You. What's your name? HENRY [gibbering] ...head came off, and cold, so cold! SOUND SLAP HENRY [sharp intake of breath] Wha-ah-ah? EDEN Your name, mister burglar. HENRY Henry. Henry Torrence. [whispered] What the heck was that? EDEN A ghost. Now, Mister Torrence, I suppose I'm gonna have to tie you up or something, so you don't try and jump me again-- HENRY Howzabout just letting me - ya know - go? EDEN You broke in. I have to do something, and I really don't want to have to deal with the cops - they'll bother dad. HENRY Look, I never hurt no one, I ain't the type. I swear! EDEN Still... I think you need to stay locked up for a while. CALLANDRA Can I keep him? Please? I caught him! FREDERICK Shut up woman, we may be able to use this fellow's services. EDEN [ordering] March! I'll put you somewhere better than that closet, but you better stay put or - FREDERICK Boooooo! HENRY [gasps] EDEN [unenthusiastically] Yeah, that. Boo. MUSIC SCENE 5 - DOWNSTAIRS CALLANDRA What do you plan to do with him? Please say I can have him for me own - he's such a fine specimen of a man. EDEN If you keep him, I have to feed him. CALLANDRA Well... not necessarily... EDEN No. No. No. I'm not having any more ghosts around here. CALLANDRA You never let me have any fun! EDEN Besides, didn't you notice the resemblance? CALLANDRA To a man? SOUND WHOOSH, FF ENTERS FREDERICK Our dear Callandra never looked above his [mocking her accent] "luuuvly broad shoulders!" CALLANDRA Bite your tongue, Frederick! I still have those clippings of yours, and you will sorely regret having a jape at my expense-- EDEN Shut up! MUSIC SCENE 6 – BREAKFAST IN BED SOUND MORNING BIRD NOISES SOUND MUFFLED THUMP, RATTLE AT DOORKNOB HENRY [yawns, waking] SOUND CHAIN RATTLES, BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE EDEN [muffled] Are you awake? HENRY Yeah, sure. Whatever. SOUND DOOR OPENS WITH DIFFICULTY SOUND EDEN ENTERS WITH TRAY EDEN I hope you like bacon. HENRY Uh, yeah! [surprised and enthused] SOUND SHIFTING AS HE SITS UP IN BED, CHAIN MOVES HENRY Thanks. Breakfast in bed. Almost like a dream, except-- SOUND RATTLE OF CHAINS CALLANDRA [snarky] Well, we can't have you wandering around the house like some sort of ... burglar, can we? HENRY Does she need to be here? SOUND SETS DOWN TRAY, DISHES RATTLE EDEN She's my backup. I need to talk to you. HENRY [annoyed] Go ahead. I don't eat with my ears. SOUND EATING NOISES EDEN [snort of laughter] This is going to sound really dumb, but... [thinks hard] I have a kind of proposition for you. HENRY [offended] You are way too young, and she's dead. EDEN Huh? CALLANDRA Shame on you! HENRY Nothing. [eats noisily] EDEN Ew! [angry sigh] Look, no. My dad is out of town, and I need someone to pretend to be him and talk to CPS. HENRY CPS? The CPS? Hell no. I hate those bast‑‑ uh-- buttheads. EDEN Why? You got kids? HENRY Never mind. No way you can talk me into-- EDEN We'll pay you. HENRY --into-- How much? EDEN Dad said we could give you a thousand. For staying here for two weeks and pretending to be him. HENRY He's not coming home for two weeks? [truly offended] What the hell is wrong with him, leaving you all alone? CALLANDRA Language!! HENRY I don't give a flying rat's patoot about my language! If your dad is so flipping negligent to leave you all alone for weeks at a time, [losing steam] then maybe you'd be ... better off-- EDEN [anguish] In foster care? No way!! HENRY Well, no, but... don't you have any other family? EDEN [mumbled] Not anywhere around here. HENRY [sincere] That sucks! EDEN Look, I'm not supposed to say anything, but my dad... He [whispers importantly] he works for the government. Top secret. HENRY Seriously? EDEN Uh-huh! So he can't always control when he'll be back. HENRY Why would he - why would you even trust me? EDEN You won't get paid until after the two weeks is up. Besides... I'm a pretty good cook? HENRY Okay, but I have to be able to tell my mom. She'll worry if I don't get home. EDEN You live with your mom? But you're like a grownup. That's weird. HENRY Why do you think I don't have a real job? MUSIC SCENE 7 – MEETING CPS FREDERICK [sharp whisper] Now you just behave now, my lad, or I'll give you what for again. HENRY [trying to be flippant] “Boo.” I get it. This makeup itches. EDEN Sorry. You had to look a little older. HENRY It is kinda creepy how I look so much like your dad. EDEN Yeah. [fretting] Where IS she? SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR CALLANDRA Eep! EDEN [to the ghosts] Scat! [quiet] Ready? HENRY Guess we'll find out. SOUND FEET, DOOR UNLOCKS and OPENS EDEN Hello? Ah. Right on time. SHERMAN Your father--? EDEN Right here. Come on in. HENRY [trying too hard to sound old] Ethan Anderson. Pleased to meet you. You're Ms. Sherman? EDEN [warning] Dad! [explaining] He's had a cold. SHERMAN [warm] Ah! I hope you're on the mend? HENRY [clears his throat, sounds more normal] Yes, yes. Much better. MUSIC SCENE 8 – WAITING IN THE KITCHEN SOUND FLAP OF KITCHEN DOOR, FEET CALLANDRA [very nervous] How goes it? EDEN Seems OK, so far. HENRY [off, furious] What? EDEN Oh no! SOUND RUNS OFF, FLAP OF DOOR EDEN [breathless] What? HENRY [grim] Tell her. SHERMAN [sweet] My dear, um, Eden. I was just telling your father that your school has raised issues about your father's involvement-- EDEN Why? He emails them all the time. They understand how busy he is. SHERMAN We still have to take it under advisement. Now, off the record, and with the understanding that you, sir, are a fairly wealthy man, I might ask why you haven't engaged a nanny or other similar household staff-- EDEN [QUIET, prompting] DAD! HENRY [angry] What business is it of yours, lady? SHERMAN Perhaps you should step out and leave us alone again, dear. EDEN No. I may be too young for my opinion to count, but I want to hear what you plan to do to me. We don't need anyone to look after the house. I can do that. SHERMAN But you shouldn't have to - you are a child, dear, and you have better things to do. EDEN Like what? Play Xbox and get fat? MUSIC SCENE 9 – AFTER SHE LEAVES SOUND FRONT DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS HENRY You have 20 million dollars? EDEN And a half. Not like I can spend it. They don't trust me - that's why they call it a trust fund. HENRY [snort] SOUND SHE STARTS UP THE STAIRS HENRY Hey, we're talking here. EDEN [upset] You're only my dad while there's an audience. HENRY [calling] Why don't you want a nanny or something? SOUND RUNS UP THE STAIRS CALLANDRA Poor child. HENRY [gasps] Oh, right. CALLANDRA Pity you're not much of a father. HENRY [offended] You're not much help, either. CALLANDRA Oh? And what do you expect from me? I've been dead over a century, boyo. HENRY How's that work, anyway? CALLANDRA [pouty] Don't know. Wouldn't tell you if I did. HENRY Fine. Whatever. You have anything to drink around this place? CALLANDRA [rolls eyes] Oh, yes. That would look terrible good to Ms. Sherman, wouldn't it? HENRY I'm going out for a while. Don't worry - I'll sneak out the back. I'm good at THAT. MUSIC SCENE 10 – HENRY'S HOME SOUND DOOR OPENS, MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND HENRY [sigh, then calling] Hey mom! MOM [bleary drunk] Baby? That you? HENRY [resigned] Yes, mom. MOM Where you been? HENRY I gotta job, mom. Been working. MOM You bring me back a little something, baby? Medicine? HENRY [down] Tomorrow. I promise. MOM [sarcastic] Such a good boy. You gon' expect me to bail you out again? You need to get you some better friends, baby. HENRY I'm not a baby, mom. I'm thirty-five. MOM You'll always be my baby, Henry, won't you? You know how much I count on you. How much it hurts every time you been taken away from me. What would I do if you were in jail? Do you ever think about that? HENRY Yeah. [under his breath] All the time. MUSIC SCENE 11 – CHAT WITH DAD SOUND COMPUTER KEYS SOUND DOOR OPENS HENRY Eden? EDEN [gasps] What? Oh! You're back! SOUND FOOTSTEPS HENRY You shouldn't sit in the dark like that. EDEN [sarcastic] Thanks dad. [serious] I've been chatting with my real dad. HENRY I didn't hear anything, if that's what you're worried about. EDEN Duh. Computer chatting. HENRY Typing. Right. I'm not much for the whole computer thing. EDEN That could be awkward, if Ms. Sherman decides to quiz you on what you do for a living. Dad's a programmer. HENRY For the government? EDEN [scornful] No! [realizing] Oh, I mean... uh... he's a programmer for real, but he doesn't program for them. HENRY [suspicious] Can I type something to him? EDEN Sure. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, CLUMSY, SLOW TYPING EDEN Is this a secret, or can I type it for you? HENRY Yeah, go on - at this rate I'll be here all night just to say Hi. Um... [thinking] Mister... uh ... can I call him Ethan? EDEN [responding to dad] All right. He says let's turn on the microphone. SOUND CLICK EDEN Now you can just talk. He still has to type, though. His mike is broken. HENRY I don't know you, so maybe I'm not the one who should be saying this, but - here goes. Dude, leaving your kid alone makes you a bad dad. So what if the government needs you! EDEN You're... serious? HENRY Hell yeah. You're gonna grow up robbing banks and stuff. EDEN Hmm. He says, just because your dad was a deadbeat, doesn't mean -- HENRY What the hell do you think you know? EDEN He says-- HENRY I can see what he says. Background check, my ass! EDEN I told you he's a computer guy. HENRY Fine. You need to take care of-- EDEN Don't tell me how to raise my daughter. Oh, and he says "watch"-- SOUND [some CCTV video comes on the computer] HENRY [shocked] How did he get that? EDEN Is that you? Breaking into a building? Wow. Wait, is that the museum? HENRY So that's your way of keeping me in line? EDEN Are you the one who stole the Cellini vase? HENRY I plead the fifth. [angry sigh] Fine. I'll do my two weeks, and then I am the hell out of here. EDEN [angry] Very well, you worthless wretch! HENRY What? EDEN [innocent] Just what he said. MUSIC SCENE 12 – RUDE AWAKENING SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR CALLANDRA Mr. Anderson!! HENRY [sleepy] What? CALLANDRA That woman is at the door! HENRY I can't answer it like this! I don't have that old-age makeup-- CALLANDRA Frederic! HENRY No, no - I can do it-- SOUND POUNDING AGAIN FREDERIC Did I hear a cue? HENRY No, we-- CALLANDRA He needs to look old and ill. And right fast. HENRY Really, I-- FREDERIC Hmm. Here. [horrible ghostly noise] HENRY [screams] CALLANDRA Shh! FREDERIC Damnation. Once that would have turned your hair quite white - as it is, you will have to wear a cap. MUSIC SCENE 13 – CPS AGAIN SOUND DOOR OPENS SLOWLY HENRY [shaky] Yes? SHERMAN Took you long enough. HENRY I was in the shower. Nearly killed myself slipping when I came down the stairs. SHERMAN Are you going to ask me in? HENRY You might have heard the scream. SHERMAN No. [hinting to let her in] It is rather chilly out here. HENRY [sigh] Very well. SOUND THEY GO IN, HE FAKES A LIMP CALLANDRA You watch out for that one! HENRY Shh! FREDERICK She can't hear us unless we want her to. SHERMAN I expect Eden is at school right now? HENRY She's a very good student. SHERMAN [disdainful] B plus. HENRY That ain't nothing to sneeze at, lady! SOUND SITS SHERMAN But we both know she could do better. HENRY What makes you think that? SHERMAN You could get her tutors. HENRY Why? She's real smart. FREDERICK You tell her! But you might try using proper grammar. SHERMAN There's so many things your money could do for your daughter. HENRY I'd rather let her be herself. CALLANDRA Oh, that's touching, that is. SHERMAN You could send her to private school. My own son Garth is in private school. HENRY [faltering] She has ...friends.... here. SHERMAN [hinting] A very expensive private school. HENRY You recruiting or something? I ain't making any decisions behind my kid's back. SHERMAN You could pay me to leave you alone. HENRY She wants to stay -- WHAT? CALLANDRA Horrors! FREDERIC Bezom! SHERMAN You must understand, Mr. Anderson, just how poorly compensated we civil servants are these days. What a completely thankless job we do. HENRY You really just hit me up for money? SHERMAN And how particularly expensive a really good school is. HENRY [incredulous] Money. You're asking for money. SHERMAN Of course. HENRY You're a skanky money-grubbing ho! FREDERIC Filth straight from the bowels of satan's own thrice-crowned hounds of hell! SHERMAN Language! [evil nice again] You have plenty of money. I've looked into your financials. Not just Eden's little trust fund, but liquid assets as well. HENRY That's blackmail! SHERMAN Technically, it's extortion. So far. Extortion is getting money with a threat of something yet to come. HENRY It's still illegal. CALLANDRA Oh, horrors! SHERMAN Blackmail, on the other hand, is getting money with the threat of revealing something from the past. Like your criminal record? HENRY My... [confused] what? SHERMAN Mr. Anderson, I have no wish to go into detail, but do you really think I would come here with just the might of CPS behind me? HENRY Maybe. SHERMAN No. I have something concrete on you. HENRY Doesn't ring a bell. [chuckles lamely] Criminal record? Me? [laughs] SHERMAN Do the words 1987 and dot com mean anything to you? HENRY But I was just-- ["a kid", but he cuts off] SHERMAN Using an assumed name? You're very lucky no one thought to cross-reference your fingerprints before, but once they do what I did... HENRY Oh, crap. SHERMAN I'm in no hurry. I'd be happy to take a little something up front, and then a larger payment by the end of the week, perhaps? HENRY I'll ...see what I have lying around. MUSIC SCENE 14 – CHAT WITH DAD SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET STORM IN HENRY Is your mike on, Mr. Anderson? SOUND COMPUTER BEEP HENRY Good. Cause I don't know jack about how to work these things. SOUND COMPUTER BOOP HENRY You heard what happened? How? SOUND BOOP HENRY I didn't even notice a computer in the living room. SOUND BOOP HENRY Huh? Which button? SOUND BOOP HENRY No need to get snippy. SOUND BUTTON PUSHED ETHAN [computer generated voice] You will go immediately to the first hill bank and trust-- HENRY What do you mean immediately? I gotta do grocery shopping this morning. ETHAN Delivered. HENRY Not for here. for my mom. ETHAN Get it delivered. HENRY Hey! Mom may be an old lush, but she expects to see me from time to time. ETHAN Bank after. HENRY What's all this crap that witch was talking about, anyway? ETHAN No time. Bank today. Take three thousand dollars-- HENRY I can't pass for you at a damn bank! I can't sign your name! ETHAN Account in your name. Use your own I-D. HENRY What? In my name? What makes you think I won't just walk off... [back on topic] Second - why three thousand? She won't settle for just three-- ETHAN Three thousand will pay off her car. HENRY Damn. You really can find out anything, can't you? MUSIC SCENE 15 – HENRY HOME SOUND DOOR OPENS, MOM'S HOUSE. TV ON HENRY I brought your groceries. MOM Good. Didja get any beer? HENRY It's still in the car. MOM Bring that in next, woudja? That's a good boy. HENRY [from other room, confused] Mom? Where's my TV? MOM Mine was ...uh...on the fritz, so I moved yours in here. HENRY You did? MOM I had help. HENRY You forgot to pay, didn't you? MOM That is no way to talk to your mother! Besides, if you weren't gone all the time, I wouldn't have such a problem. You know I never was good with money. HENRY Yeah. MOM When did you say you'd get paid for this new job you got? MUSIC SCENE 16 – DINNER WITH EDEN SOUND DINNER NOISES HENRY You made this? EDEN [sullen] Yeah. HENRY It's pretty good. EDEN Should be. Been cooking since I was [Callandra's accent] "just a wee thing". [change of tone, sullen] You were gone all day. Again. HENRY I came back. EDEN Well, duh. We're paying you to be here. HENRY Are the ghosts joining us? EDEN [still sullen] Frederic gets too jumpy around food, and Callandra "doesna feel tis proper." MOMENT OF SILENCE HENRY Are you mad at me? SOUND THUMP - VASE ON TABLE HENRY What the h---ay? You going through my room? EDEN Callandra saw you hide it. SHE's very upset with you. CALLNDRA [from off] Though it is a right pretty wee thing! HENRY I had to bring it along - mom was about to use it as an ashtray. EDEN Why do you steal? HENRY Whoa! That ain't polite to ask. EDEN It isn't polite to steal. MOMENT OF SILENCE HENRY What else am I gonna do? Shove burgers? I ain't even got a GED. Without that… well… EDEN If you're trying to convince me to stay in school, there's no point. HENRY No way! You gonna drop out? Smart kid like you – you could be any darn thing you want! EDEN Oh, please. I already have a GED. Or at least, I took the test – just to see, you know? And I've taken a few college courses on the Internet. I stay in school for the socialization. HENRY Huh? EDEN I stay in school to look normal and have friends. The work is boring as hell, but I don't want to stand out. Do you know how hard it is to manage a B+ average? HENRY [sarcastic] Never had that problem, myself. EDEN [mounting upset] I have to guess on each test what the correct percentage of answers is to get wrong. I have to dumb my writing down for essay questions. I have to-- HENRY Why? EDEN Why? HENRY Why not just say to hell with it, and let em see how smart you are? EDEN Smart kids get noticed. I can stand out when I'm older. When it's safe. MUSIC SCENE 17 – WHERE'S DAD SOUND COMPUTER NOISES HENRY You need to get your butt home, dude. Your government might need you, but your daughter needs you more. ETHAN Not possible. HENRY What, are you in deep cover or something? In a foreign prison? [slow realization] Oh.... crap. ETHAN We are both in crap. HENRY No, I mean you - you're like them, aren't you? ETHAN Define "them". HENRY The ghosts. ETHAN [beat] Yes. HENRY Holy crap. ETHAN No. Just regular crap. HENRY I can't stay here forever! ETHAN Eden needs you. HENRY [wobbling] My mom... she needs me, too. ETHAN Open the scanner. HENRY What? Oh, that. SOUND SCANNER NOISE ETHAN I need your hand. MUSIC SCENE 18 – WHERE'S MOM SOUND SILENT HOUSE, KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS HENRY Mom, why's the TV --? [panicky] Mom? SOUND MOVES THROUGH, TALKING HENRY Mom, please say you're okay. Say something! Hello? Oh, jeez, what could they'a done to‑‑ [cuts off as he spots something] What? SOUND PAPER PICKED UP HENRY [Reading] Hope you get this. Woulda called, but-- MOM [continuing, guilt tripping] --you never gave me your number at "work". Won a cruise in a mail-in contest. Back in a month. "Mom." P-S, all expenses paid - how you like them apples. Oh, and make sure to pay the electric bill. Want heat when I get home. HENRY [half amused, half annoyed chuckle] Ethan, you king of all shits. MUSIC SCENE 19 – LIKE MOTHER SOUND OUTSIDE, DAYTIME STREET GARTH Hey! EDEN [suspicious] Can I help you? GARTH [mean chuckle] You bet. SOUND CLICK OF CAMERA PHONE GARTH [annoyed] Hey! EDEN [scared, but standing her ground] If this is a mugging, I just e-mailed your picture to my dad. GARTH He's not gonna do anything. EDEN What makes you so sure? GARTH My mom has him by the short hairs. EDEN Your mom? GARTH Sherman? From CPS? Ring any bells? EDEN She went away. Everything is fine. GARTH Course it is. It's fine as long as you guys play ball. EDEN [starting to get it] As long as we--? GARTH Pay up. EDEN But that's-- GARTH You wanna complain, go whine to your dad, he'll explain the facts of life. For now... you got an ipod? EDEN [starting to break] I-- GARTH [threatening] Or should I say, do I got an ipod? [snarl] Hand it over. SOUND HAND OVER EDEN [nearly in tears] There. Choke on it, you bully! GARTH Uh! [shoves her] SOUND EDEN FALLS EDEN [gasp, trying hard not to cry] SOUND GARTH WALKS AWAY GARTH Hah! She got the Bieber fever. [nasty laugh] Ooh! Beyonce! EDEN [long sniffle] SOUND RUNNING FEET HENRY What happened? Here, let me-- SOUND SHE JUMPS UP AND THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIM EDEN [crying] HENRY [nervous, not sure what to say] It's okay! I'll handle this. It's-- [determined, personal] It's going to be okay. MUSIC SCENE 20 – getting even SOUND QUIETLY DRESSING HENRY [whispering] It's easy to forget she's just a kid. FREDERIC [stage whisper] She is a most self-possessed young lady. HENRY Shh. She only just got to sleep. FREDERIC And you? Are you leaving her now, in her hour of need? HENRY [grim] Something I gotta do. FREDERIC In the middle of the night? SOUND ZIPPER ZIPS FREDERIC And dressed all in black? I sense skullduggery! HENRY Sense all you want, but stay quiet about it. FREDERIC Alas that I cannot do more than keep the light burning for your return. HENRY Yeah. See you in the morning. MUSIC SCENE 21 – SATISFACTION SOUND LOUD BANGING ON THE FRONT DOOR, DOOR OPENS HENRY [self satisfied] Ahh! [yawns] So sorry. Long night. SHERMAN Your check bounced! HENRY [congenial] No, I put a stop payment on it. Won't you come in? SHERMAN You WHAT? HENRY I - we - aren't playing your game any more. SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN A CRACK, UP CLOSE EDEN [whispered, eavesdropping] Go, Henry! FREDERIC I could always give her a visitation - maybe we'll get lucky and she'll keel over from the shock! EDEN No! He may be a butt, but I don't want you to kill some kid's mom! CALLANDRA They've gone into the living room! EDEN I'll have to listen on the laptop then. Right dad? SOUND BEEP MUSIC SCENE 22 – REVELATION HENRY Would you like a soda? SHERMAN I would like an explanation. What makes you think I won't go through with turning you in? HENRY Go ahead. When they take my fingerprints and they don't match the ones you have on file, you'll look pretty silly. SHERMAN You - you...! HENRY You might have noticed that I'm a bit of a computer nerd. SHERMAN Oh-ho-ho! [getting composure back] You may have changed the prints on the system, But you can't get into my backups. HENRY Call my bluff. SHERMAN Very well-- HENRY BUT-- SOUND MOMENT OF AWKWARD PAUSE SHERMAN [worried] What? HENRY I'm afraid you have a problem of your own. SHERMAN I have a what? Are you trying to blackmail me? I am very careful. HENRY About your money stuff, yeah - I'm sure you are. This is something else. A vase. SHERMAN A what? HENRY Have you read the papers recently? The museum? SHERMAN The Cellini Vase? HENRY Yeah, that thing. SHERMAN What does that have to do with me? HENRY It's in your house. MUSIC SCENE 23 – FINALE EDEN What if she finds it? HENRY What's she gonna do with it? She don't know no fences. CALLANDRA Or any place to sell it either. EDEN She might give it back? FREDERIC And try to explain how she happened to come by such a fugitive object? Hah! HENRY Hah is right. EDEN [down] So I guess this means you're gonna go now. I mean now that it's all clear. HENRY I guess. EDEN Would you stay? I mean, if you could? HENRY I'd like to but.... I dunno. My mom-- SOUND BEEP ETHAN [computer voice] Was lucky and got an apartment in a new full-service assisted living community. HENRY What? You can't just-- ETHAN Try and get her out. They have KeNo every Thursday. HENRY [annoyed but thinking] Hmm..... Does she get to have a nice TV? ETHAN No. HENRY What? How can you--? ETHAN You will bring one to her. EDEN Clever. FREDERIC Brilliant! CALLANDRA [sniffling] Touching. HENRY Gotcha. And what about me? EDEN I have four more years before I can technically be emancipated. If you're willing to be my dad til then, we'll-- ETHAN Pay you one hundred thousand per year. HENRY [dubious] That's pretty good. Hmm... Four years. EDEN Well, what do you want, then? HENRY Four years sounds like a heckuva lot like college. EDEN I'm still too young. HENRY Nah... I was thinking... you know... [quiet] For me. [up] But only if you'll help me get my GED and stuff. EDEN I bet I could be a really good tutor! MUSIC END
A classic-style caper, chock-a-block with art theft, swindling, and romance! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Algernon Winthrop - Will Watt Bartholomew Hetheredge - Glen Hallstrom Harriet Carter-Nelson - Julie Hoverson Attendant - Russell Gold Music by Laché Swing (Free Music Archive) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson (in the style of the Dell Mapback mystery covers) with help from Steve Guy "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a gentleman's club in the 1930s, can't you tell?" *********************************************************************** THE PERFECT PIGEON Cast: Announcer Algernon Winthrop, a young gentleman whose profession is art broker - with a secret life as a gentleman thief Harriet Carter-Nelson, country heiress, who has inherited some paintings Bartholomew Heatheredge, elder bachelor, friend and confidante of Algernon Butler, discreet and very well trained THE PERFECT PIGEON MUSIC TO OPEN - LIGHT 1930s JAZZ OLIVIA What do you mean what kind of place is it? Why it's a private room in a proper Gentleman's Club in London in the 1930s - can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1 THE CLUB ROOM SOUND RADIO PLAYS JAZZ IN ANOTHER ROOM ALGY Bartholomew, old man - believe it or not, I've been HAD. BART [mock incredulous] Algernon Winthrop the third? "Had"? Hold on, shh! [beat] No, no... I don't think I hear the trumpet hailing the end of all things, so how could You possibly-- ALGY Hush! Do you want to hear the story or not? BART [teasing] I dunno - do I? ALGY You're the only one I can tell, so I expect you can guess what this is in regards to. BART [knowing smirk] "Art"? ALGY Yes. I was approached last Wednesday week by [wistful] a vision of loveliness-- BART Male or Female? ALGY Female, of course! You know which direction my loveliness runs. A trim auburn lass with a back like she'd been born on a horse. BART There is something to be said for centaurs. ALGY She said she had been referred to me as a leading authority on certain kinds of paintings. BART [chuckles expectantly] A-ha! ALGY Well, I am! And I have the advantage of being outside the normal rope and cap mobs. BART Someone with no affiliation to bat for. ALGY Correct. [sigh] She invited me to her country estate, and how could I refuse? There are untold treasures hidden in mouldering attics throughout the land! BART Better you than me. I loathe the country. ALGY You loathe anything beyond a ten minute walk from this club. BART Very true. [arch] Oh, you've reminded me, we're in a club. That means there is hot and cold running alcohol to hand. Shall we? ALGY I'll stick to a weak Gin and Tonic, if you don't mind. I may have ...work... to do later. BART Oh-ho!! SOUND GENTLE BELL RINGS, GENTLE DOOR OPENS BUTLER Sir? BART Drinks, please. G and T, heavy on the T, and some of that port I'm so fond of. BUTLER Excellent selections, sir. SOUND DOOR CLOSES ALGY [chuckling] He'd say that regardless of what you asked for. BART True, but he would say it with a subtle sneer in his voice. Frankly, I can't remember the vintage of the port in question... but apparently he does. ALGY Indispensible. BART I know you won't recount anything juicy until he returns, so tell me more about this girl? ALGY Harriet Carter-Nelson. Last heir of some family or other. Was left the only house not entailed to a distant chinless wonder. Took possession, found it rather a crumbling heap, but discovered there were some potentially salable items hidden about the place. BART Items in the "canvas" line, I assume? ALGY Precisely. SOUND TAP AT THE DOOR BART Come in. SOUND BUTLER ENTERS, PUTS DOWN DRINKS, LEAVES ALGY [sips] Perfect. Gem of a man. BART Can't remember his name any more than the vintage, but I do try and appreciate him whenever I have the chance. ALGY Appreciate him a bit for me, too, would you? BART Certainly. [drinks] Now, the canvasses. ALGY After an hour or so of driving - the place was halfway to Inverness - I came upon a stark silhouette set against a striking sunset. BART You paint such pictures with your words. ALGY I suppose an eye is an eye, for all that. Checking the coordinates, I discovered I had arrived. More striking still was the vision of loveliness that greeted me at the door. BART NOT a butler, then? ALGY No. There was some sort of staff about, but she was expecting me, and made certain to be ready upon my arrival. BART Curiouser and curiouser - a woman who doesn't make one wait an half hour for her entrance? I like her already. ALGY [rueful] As do I. She lacks that sheen of plasticine that so many women don the moment they "come out" and never seem to take off again. Everything about her seemed so natural. So genuine. MUSIC TRANSITION SCENE 2 OUTSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND FROGS, NIGHT NOISES HARRIET I'm so pleased you found it! Come in, come in! Oh, no wait - sorry. You should turn your car around before the light goes. Some of the ground is boggy and it's quite treacherous in the dark. ALGY I'll be perfectly fine. HARRIET [mock sigh] Your funeral. Come along. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL THEN WOOD, DOOR SHUTS ALGY I didn't realize there was any civilization this far into the hinterlands. HARRIET Oh, there isn't. Not really. But I love it out here. The country is so beautiful - nine weeks out of the year. Between mold season and mosquito season. ALGY [laughs] BART [Voice Over] Enough with the flirting - tell me about the paintings. ALGY [VO] Give me a moment to wallow in our collective wit, won't you? BART [VO] One more moment, then. Proceed. HARRIET There's a set of rooms that's quite liveable, and a few larger enclosed spaces that might pass for human habitation. [drops the banter] I'm hoping - truly - that some of the paintings will be worth enough that I can sell them and [loving] rescue the poor house. [clipped again] You did say you have contacts and know people who might be looking to buy? ALGY I shall do the best for you that I can. ALGY [VO] And I would. Whatever my other interests are, once I give my word, I always keep it. BART [VO] Particularly to such a lovely young thing, eh, wot? HARRIET It's very kind of you. ALGY Well, I do expect to make some little commission on it, of course. HARRIET Of course. Right through here. MUSIC SCENE 3 THE CLUB ROOM SOUND ALGY DRINKS ALGY [disgusted sigh] and it was ... tragic. BART Strong word. ALGY Strong feeling. The room she took me into was hung with a dozen limp landscapes. BART Limp? ALGY Oh, you know the type "Aunt so-and so painted this in 1860 on the French Riveria". Or "Grandmama was always well regarded for her eye for beauty". BART Good night. And after such a long drive! ALGY And watching that look of hope slide off her dainty face. The light going out in her hazel eyes. MUSIC SCENE 4 INSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND SLIGHT CREAKS WHEN THEY WALK HARRIET That bad? ALGY I may be able to get you an odd bob or so - perhaps from an American. Not more. HARRIET Oh. ALGY It happens to the best of us. ALGY [VO] She turned away, and the line of her shoulders spoke volumes. BART [VO] Reading her shoulders? On a first date? [chuckles] ALGY I-I-- Perhaps I should... go? HARRIET No. [coming to a decision, almost teary] I... Can I trust you? ALGY Goodness, would anyone say no to that? HARRIET [burst of laughter] Goodness be blowed! I'm going to take a chance. People have said good things about you. Come along. SOUND WALKING, CREAKING, UNDER VO ALGY [VO] She took me deep into the bowels of the house, into some sort of secret room. I watched closely as she tweaked various odds and sods on a rococo mantlepiece, and a panel slid open. SOUND CREAK AS PANEL SHIFTS SOUND HOLLOW MOANING WIND HARRIET There's a family ghost, but it's benign. ALGY Spirits have never bothered me. ALGY [VO] And in this room - by gad! BART [VO] Yes? ALGY [VO] Arrayed around the walls were a good dozen of what looked like genuine Old masters. Undiscovered, possibly unknown. BART [VO] Real? ALGY Real? HARRIET Yes, but. Problematic. ALGY How so? HARRIET Apparently, according to unverifiable family lore, one of our ancestors was quite the notorious bandit. ALGY Bandit? HARRIET Highwayman, I believe they called the titled ones. He raided everything within a week's ride, they say, and stashed most of the boodle here. Everything that could be sold easily, went long ago. Gold, jewels, things like that. ALGY Well, if they were stolen so long ago, I doubt there would be any debate as to the ownership. HARRIET [very doubtful] Oh... I'm sure. It's just... ALGY Yes? HARRIET [pitiable] There's no money. Not a sou. I can't possibly defend even the slightest case. A solitary whisper of doubt, and I'll lose everything. ALGY I see. HARRIET And without concrete provenance, there's no legitimate way I can sell even one of these. Tragic, isn't it? ALGY There are plenty of people who would buy, provenance or no. You might not get full measure, but that all depends on your patience and negotiating talent. HARRIET [exasperated] Buyers there may be, but I wouldn't know where to find them! ALGY I would. HARRIET [still fuming, not hearing him immediately] And even if I did, I wouldn't know the first thing to say-- [breaks off, realizing] What? ALGY I know all the right people. If you can trust me with any one of those, I'll get you top dollar. HARRIET But why would you help me? And how can I possibly trust you? ALGY Oh, I'll take my standard commission, of course. And I'll play you fair on the first one, if for no other reason than in hope that you'll let me take on the rest. HARRET [worried musing] It's a big step. The mere thought of letting them out of my sight terrifies me. It's not as if I have insurance or anything. If the worst should happen - I'd be lost. ALGY If I could, I would buy one outright from you - at a discount, you understand - and hazard a chance I could make a profit. But these are far out of my range, unless I were to insult you by offering a pittance. HARRIET A pittance would at least keep body and soul together until you were able to sell it. Could you - manage something in a down payment? Even just call it an assurance - we could write up a contract and everything! ALGY Oh, I don't think we need go that far. But I could advance you something, if you don't mind waiting a day or two. HARRIET [musing] Let's see - a day or two for you to get back, then I have to arrange a lift into the city, to get to the bank, and back.... ALGY [amused] Are you hinting that you would prefer cash? HARRIET Am I that transparent? [sweetly] I used to be quite a good liar, I'm told, but desperation does wear one's nerve a bit thin. And the local shops no longer honor this house with credit. ALGY I could manage, say, a thousand pounds assurance. If you'll let me take that small one. HARRIET A thousand? You think this is worth so much? ALGY Ten times that, at least. HARRIET My hero! I'll have it crated and ready for transport when you return, will that be all right? ALGY Certainly. MUSIC SCENE 5 THE CLUB ROOM BART You didn't. ALGY I did. BART And which one of the limp landscapes did you purchase for a thousand pounds? ALGY [sigh] A rather dreadful view of some lighthouse that's slightly off plumb. BART [laughs heartily] And what do you plan to do about it? ALGY What do you think? BART Can you find your way back in again? ALGY I believe so. I truly would have played fair with her, but... BART What can she expect? Swindling a notorious art thief like "The Badger"? MUSIC - TIME PASSES SCENE 6 THE CLUB ROOM - NEXT DAY SOUND DOOR OPENS ALGY [entering melodramatically] Oh, Bart! Bart, my old chum! All is lost! SOUND DOOR SHUTS BART Sit, dear boy. Sit and tell! Is this your enchanting titian-haired siren? ALGY Enchanting! Enchantress is more like it! BART Why? Don't tell me you couldn't get back into her secret painting room? ALGY [chortles sarcastically] Oh-ho-ho. It's far worse than that. BART Ah. Good thing I laid on some rather strong liquor when I got your cable. Drink up. ALGY [drinks] There's really not much to tell. BART I hope you have more than that! This is expensive stuff! ALGY I got into the house. Even managed to find the right combination of whorls on the carving - she'd pushed a number of extra thingumees, did I mention that? BART So she knew you were watching? ALGY [sighing admission] Yes. She's frightfully brilliant. BART Let me get this straight - this charming chit of a girl has fooled you twice, and yet you still admire her? ALGY I admire her because she has fooled me twice. BART And her loveliness has nothing to do with it? ALGY Well... [smiling] it certainly doesn't hurt. BART [beat] So... you got into the room. ALGY Yes. Yes. I got in. BART [exasperated] And? ALGY Every one of the frames that I had so closely examined not two weeks before was filled... with landscapes! BART THE landscapes? ALGY For all I know she has an infinite supply of the blasted things! [sudden realization] By Jove! BART What? ALGY I can't believe it never occurred to me before - what if I'm not the first? BART Whatever do you mean? ALGY What if this little minx has pulled this same trick on other so-called art dealers? BART [chuckles] Are you outraged at her daring, or because she didn't pick you first? ALGY There she was, dressed in plain homespun, crying infinite poverty, when she may have just held up half the crooked daub handlers in Piccadilly! BART I can see why you admire her. ALGY The beast! BART I can't wait to meet her. ALGY Wretch! BART You'll have to bring her around sometime. ALGY What? BART Well, you are going to see her again, aren't you? ALGY You old dog. You know everything. [beat] She should be here any minute. BART Then I expect it's a good thing I've dropped a word here and there about a niece who might be coming into town any day now, isn't it? ALGY I don't know why I even try-- SOUND KNOCK AT DOOR BART Yes? SOUND DOOR OPENS, BUTLER ENTERS BUTLER Sir, there is a young lady here to see mister Algernon Winthrop. I told her merely that I would inquire...? BART Proper, as always. Don't give her any definite answer, there's a good chap, but bring her on up. BUTLER [slightly miffed] Very good, sir. SOUND DOOR CLOSES BART That. That is definitely the sound he would make if I placed an order for anything substandard. ALGY I say, Bart, hide me, would you? BART What and leave your young lady entirely in my clutches? ALGY I know you'll get something out of her, and all the more if she doesn't realize I'm here. BART [indulgent] That door there. It has a lovely large keyhole, and a connection to the corridor. I'll ferret out whatever she's hiding. You'll get your hands on those paintings yet. ALGY Oh, I already have plans for that. BART Oh? What--? SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR. SOUND SCRAMBLE AS ALGY HIDES SOUND HIS DOOR QUIETLY CREAKS SHUT BART [calling] Come in. SOUND HER DOOR OPENS SOUND BART POURS DRINK BUTLER [introductions] Miss Harriet Carter-Nelson. Mister Bartholomew Heatheredge. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS [NOTE: from this point until she "overplays her hand", BART and ALGY are pulling a con on Harriet to get her to trade back the painting] BART [suddenly stern] Please have a seat, Miss Carter-Nelson. I pray you won't take offense at my not rising, but my gout has been simply murder this past week. HARRIET [uncertain] But... I was invited here by Mister Winthrop? BART I have sent him on some trifling errand, in hopes that we might finish our business without his interference. HARRIET Business? BART Poor Algy has a lamentably sentimental nature when it comes to these things. HARRIET Pray enlighten me of "these things" that you are speaking of? BART I assume you will not be adverse to endorsing this. SOUND PAPER PRODUCED WITH A FLOURISH HARRIET What is it? [almost a laugh] A bill of sale? For-- BART The painting currently in Mr. Winthrop's possession. HARRIET But it's-- BART Practically worthless? Nonetheless, Mr. Winthrop requests that you make it over to him in its entirety, in return for monies which have already changed hands - to wit, one thousand pounds. HARRIET Why should he want to claim ownership of the silly thing? BART [fraught with ominous meaning] Why indeed. [brisk] All you need concern yourself with is your signature on that document, placing the item into legal custody of my client. HARRIET Client? BART Did he fail to mention that I am his family solicitor? HARRIET [worried] Solicitor. Yes, I believe he overlooked that. BART Come, come. He won't be gone all day. HARRIET No. I would like to hear the reason for this. BART [furious] Miss Carter-Nelson! I am not here to give explanations, merely to get one of two outcomes from you - and while my preference would be for you to regain your painting, and my client his money, that is undoubtedly out of the question. Should the need arise, I am also prepared to begin legal proceedings. HARRIET [gasp] SOUND KNOCK ALGY [outside] I say, Bart, have you got someone in there? BART Drat. HARRIET [musing] Lamentably sentimental, you say? BART Mister Winthrop, perhaps you would-- HARRIET [loud, over him, cheery] Come in! SOUND DOOR OPENS, ALGY ENTERS ALGY Good gracious! Are you keeping secrets from me, old man? BART I am merely trying to legitimize the transaction that passed between you two-- HARRIET [flirty] He's trying to get me to sign over all ownership of that painting. ALGY Oh! Good job. Go on. HARRIET You... you actually WANT it? ALGY [hinting] It's not a matter of what I want-- BART [cutting him off] AHEM. It's a matter of making the entire situation clear and above board. The painting has more than been compensated for. HARRIET [suspicious] What do you plan to do with it? BART [rising irritation] That is none of your concern! The only thing that needs to happen here and now is for you to transfer title or return my client's deposit. HARRIET This is hardly fair. I should need to consult a solicitor as well - see to it that this bill of sale is proper and aboveboard! BART You're right, of course. If you will give me the name of your solicitor, I can contact him directly. [muttered] Probably best to have him on hand, regardless, just in case Mr. Winthrop decides to take my advice as to... legal action. HARRIET Mr. Winthrop, I just want to-- ALGY You can call me Algernon, if you like, Miss Carter-Nelson. HARRIET [hesitant, confused] Algernon. Very well, but I-- ALGY And perhaps I might be allowed to call you Harriet? HARRIET [a bit wry] Will it help convince you this does not require legal action if we are on a first name basis? ALGY [laughs] Perhaps. HARRIET [slightly wheedling] Will it help convince you to let me in on the big secret about the... uh... painting in question? ALGY Oh, that. It's really quite simple-- BART Ahem. ALGY [fatuous] Hush, Barty. I know how to handle women. BART AHEM! ALGY Shall I ring and have someone bring you a lozenge? No? Very well. [confidential, pleased] Now Harriet. I can take a joke as well as the next fellow. Don't you agree? HARRIET You've been a pip. ALGY And I'm sure you feel that perhaps I've only got what I deserve, as I may very well have been on the verge of stealing your lovely old master, or at the very least short-changing such a poor but lovely young heiress. HARRIET You would be surprised how many might consider such dastardly deeds, given our relative positions. ALGY [annoyed] How many? [smooth again] Well, I can assure you that I would have played fair with you - and got you the best possible deal-- BART That is all moot. Why don't you just null the entire transaction and give the painting back. The colonel-- [catching himself in a mistake] I mean, the person in question - ahem - has stated a clear unwillingness to own any piece of dubious origin. ALGY A-HEM. HARRIET [musing] A Colonel? ALGY I suppose you must have realized by now that I have a potential buyer for the painting, and that I will be making back - mm - more than my thousand. HARRIET For that drab thing? ALGY Some pieces sell on merit, others on sentiment. The best salesmen are those who find the right customers. HARRIET How much? BART As far as you are concerned, it is one thousand pounds, already paid, and an agreement on my client's part not to litigate for false pretenses. HARRIET No, really, [very warm] Algernon. How much? ALGY [melting] I've been offered five thousand, but only with a clear title. HARRIET [shock] Five? For Great Aunt Ermintrude's "Impressions of a Baltic Lighthouse?" BART [muttered] A leaning Baltic lighthouse. ALGY [annoyed] A Baltic lighthouse a certain colonel recognizes as a place near where he was once stationed in his youth. A place he used to meet his one true love. HARRIET [amazed] Truly? ALGY So he says, and I was of no mind to disabuse him. HARRIET Suddenly I have been hit with a terrible guilt complex about having taken such foul advantage of you. ALGY Oh really? HARRIET Such a sentimental streak - I never would have suspected it. ALGY I hide it well. BART [snort of laughter turned into cough] HARRIET I think the best way to handle this is to give you your money back and call it all even. ALGY Oh, really? HARRIET Yes. And, just to show what a good sport I am, I'd - I'd like to make a present of the silly thing to your friend -um- colonel, uh...? [hinting] ALGY [breaks down laughing] BART I fear you've overplayed your hand, young lady. HARRIET I? Whatever do you mean? ALGY You are adorable. HARRIET [offended] You make it sound as if I was a puppy! ALGY [still trying to stop laughing] No, no, no. You are far cleverer than any puppy. HARRIET I should hope so. [huff] I think this is where I should take my leave. ALGY [suddenly sober] No. HARRIET [wary] Why? ALGY There's still the matter of my money. HARRIET Get it from your colonel! SOUND A BIT OF A SCUFFLE AS HE STOPS HER FROM LEAVING BART Here now! Here now! I will not have this! Sit down, both of you! SOUND THEY BREAK APART WITH A GASP BART I said sit! SOUND CHAIR NOISES SOUND DRINKS POURED BART I have the perfect answer to this dilemma, if you will just be quiet and listen. ALGY He probably does. He's very clever. HARRIET I think you both find yourselves too clever by half. ALGY You fit in quite nicely, then, don't you? BART How odd. I distinctly recall-- Did I not say to be quiet? ALGY [teasing] We'll be good, papa. HARRIET Are you planning to mete out justice like old king Solomon? BART Do you want half a painting? [beat] Good. Now. The way I see it, your problem, Miss Carter-Nelson, is you wish to preserve your home, and are going about it in this rather nefarious manner. HARRIET Well... BART This is no time for prevarication, miss --Harriet. HARRIET I am using what little I have to save my home. Yes. BART Very well. HARRIET And if I happen to take slight advantage over those who otherwise would have taken similar advantage of me-- ALGY I already told you, Harriet darling, I would never have-- HARRIET But I couldn't know that, could I? BART Hush! [beat] I swear you bicker like-- well, we'll leave that for the moment. [chuckles] And your problem, dear boy, is you would love to get your hands on the lovely old masters this young woman consorts with. HARRIET [amused] You make it sound quite filthy! ALGY [quiet] Not the only thing. [up] Yes. I would love to be the one to discover such lovely pieces and be able to find them good homes. Even legitimate ones. BART Oh, well then - the answer is simple. HARRIET Oh? Really? BART You two should marry. HARRIET [startled, outraged] What? ALGY Capital idea. Was thinking something along those lines myself. HARRIET oh! [indignant gasp] Here! SOUND PURSE CLICKS OPEN, COUNT OUT MONEY HARRIET Here is your blasted thousand pounds. SOUND MONEY TOSSED ON TABLE SOUND PURSE SNAPPED SHUT HARRIET [huff] Good day! SOUND SHE LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR BART [chuckle] She suits you. ALGY [confident] Just a matter of time. BART Make sure to send along some of the wedding cake, there's a good chap. THE END ANNOUNCER [credits]
[NOTE: Outdated and non-PC terminology regarding mental issues] Written and produced by Julie Hoverson "Not guilty by reason of insanity" sounds like an easy out to murderer Edmund - but when he checks into Dr. Larson's mental hospital, he gets much more than he bargained for. Cast List Edmund/Achilles - Kim Turner Preacher Ronald - Pat McNally Rose Connelly - Joy Jackson Hector - Cole Hornaday Dr. Larson - Marge Lutton Terrance - Greg Porter Lawyer - Sigmund Hoverson Ape man - Reynaud LeBoeuf District Attorney - Melinda Mains Also heard - Julie Hoverson Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Cover Photos: Front - Witek Burkiewicz (via Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's an insane asylum - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a murderer?" ************************************************************************ MURDER WARD Cast: OLIVIA, the host EDMUND Rafelsen (M/30s) - evil alter ego "Achilles" RUDY Horton, Esq. (M/50s) - Edmund's lawyer TERRANCE (M/20s) - the guard ROSE Connelly (F/20s) - paranoid, hears voices HECTOR Wilson (M/20s) - phobic, fears women RONALD Tomlinson (M/40s) - believes he's obeying god VINCENT (M/any) - frightening, violently crazy DOCTOR Sara LARSON (F/40s) - psychiatrist CROWD, GIRL, MOM, KID - any voices DISTRICT ATTORNEY - District Attorney OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an insane asylum, can't you tell? Where else would you find ...a murderer? MUSIC OLIVIA [voice over] "Not guilty by reason of insanity". A legal defense, often misused to try and get a lighter sentence for a heinous crime. And what does it really mean? In a nutshell-- SCENE 1. OFFICE RUDY --it means at the time you did what you did, you didn't - couldn't - understand what you were doing was wrong. It's a tough sell, Ed. No matter what the movies make out, most juries just don't believe-- EDMUND [cultured voice] Mr. Horton, I would prefer that you address me directly when you speak to me. RUDY Ed, this isn't funny. EDMUND There is no "Ed" here. Edmund, however, is sleeping. Mr. Horton, if you cannot bring yourself to use my name, at least-- RUDY OK, look-- SOUND rustling paper RUDY [disapproving] --Achilles - I-- EDMUND And I am not insane. Nor is Edmund. I knew perfectly well what I did was wrong. All those pretty little women. I was really doing them a favor. The world is so harsh. RUDY I-- Look, Achilles, let me talk to Ed for a while. It's his name on the docket, after all. EDMUND Very well. I shall rouse him for you. [voice changes to more lower class - after this, he speaks as Ed any time not otherwise noted] Yeah? What is it shyster? Hey! Why's my cigarette all burned down all of a sudden? MUSIC SCENE 2. COURTROOM crowd [MURMURS] SOUND gavel DOCTOR Larson Ahem. As I said, after a thorough examination, I have concluded that while Edmund is nominally the dominant persona, his alter ego Achilles was the one who actually committed... [fade out] MUSIC SCENE 3. ASYLUM HALLWAY sound footsteps on tile. jingle of keys TERRANCE Guess you think you're lucky, eh? SOUND door unlocks EDMUND And why's that? SOUND door opens inmates [AD LIB, MURMURS "IN CHARACTER" see monologues at end] EDMUND What the--? TERRANCE Your new pals, bub. As I was saying, I guess you THINK you're lucky, getting off without the death penalty and all. Come on. SOUND slow footsteps EDMUND Look mac, I thought I was gonna have a private room-- TERRANCE These are the induction cells. Once the Doc gets a handle on your syko-sees, she'll move you to someplace appropriate. EDMUND She? SOUND footsteps stop TERRANCE Sure. You saw her at your trial - Doctor Larson. She's got some big-brain new ideas about how ta deal with luniacks like yourself. SOUND keys JINGLE. TERRANCE Your room, misshur. SOUND cell unlocks, DOOR opens. EDMUND But, but there's a DAME in here. Ain't we supposed to be-- TERRANCE Funny thing about that. Dames go off the pier too. And we're overbooked in that department. She probly won't be here long. Besides, she's waaaay over there. She can't hurt you. SOUND footsteps HECTOR [fading in - urgent milktoast] --he's right. She shouldn't be in here. You don't understand the damage they can do. [fading] Women are-- RONALD [fading in, hissing whispers] ‑‑have new instructions. It is time for you to let me go. HE has declared it. [fading] My presence is required-- SOUND footsteps end, jingle of keys ROSE [fading in] --staring at me. Are you sure they can't get out? Please, would you check the locks again? [fading] I'm so afraid-- SOUND door opens and shuts. inmates [MOMENT OF SILENCE] ROSE [sigh] RONALD [normal, husky voice] Hey. New guy. Got any smokes? EDMUND What? RONALD Smokes. EDMUND Even if I did, they wouldn't let us have any matches, would they? ROSE [hard dame] Who are you kidding? You can get pretty much anything in here, just as long as you know who to ask. And HOW to ask it. EDMUND Funny, you sounded crazy a minute ago. ROSE [snort] Yeah, well. We all have our bad days... [raising voice slightly] And some never have good days, right Heck? HECTOR Wicked Jezebel. You shouldn't be here. ROSE [to Edmund] We're pretty sure that Hector there is the real McCoy. RONALD Now, now. We're ALL nuts. We must keep that in mind. ROSE Yeah, but THAT guy - he just never lets up! EDMUND But if you ain't crazy-- RONALD [chuckles] Court says we are. Even with moments of lucidity, well-- What can they do? EDMUND What if they're listening? Recording, maybe? ROSE I thought I was the one with the persecution complex. RONALD I've been trying to catch them for over a month. Nothing doing. They're just not interested. Besides, once the jury brings down the verdict, the court has to keep you locked you up until they cure you. ROSE OR you give up and confess. RONALD Oh, sure. [sarcastic] I'll just admit it was all phony, take my lumps and go to the Chair! EDMUND What if one of you decides to squeal? ROSE [laughs] Who'd take the word of a head case? HECTOR If you try and spit your fiendish poison at me, fiend, I shall find a way to defend myself! rose [disgusted sigh] I am real sick of him. RONALD He probably had a bad mother. ROSE Yeah? Well who didn't? EDMUND The guard said I'd only be in here for a little while-- RONALD Yeah. Us too. I've now been here for two months, and Rose-- ROSE Rose Connelly, p'raps you hearda me? EDMUND YOU'RE Rose Connelly? rose [pleased] Yeah. The one and only. My sister's got a scrapbook of clippings for me. She can't bring them, but she tells me all about them when she visits. RONALD Rose's been here about three weeks. Since her sentencing. EDMUND And Romeo over there? ROSE Hah! Cute. Two incredibly long days. EDMUND And...this is it? RONALD What? EDMUND This is what we get? I mean, in prison they at least get some kind of exercise and stuff. Geneva convention, and all that. ROSE Ah, it's just temporary. I guess the loony bins are all booked up right now. [giggles] Say, maybe there's a convention in town. RONALD Don't worry. We get to talk to the Doc each day, regular as clockwork. She's a sweetheart, but I bet Hector isn't making any improvements. HECTOR [matter of fact] Doctor? She's the devil! I refuse to give her the satisfaction of a single word. ROSE [derisive] "Doctor," hah! She's the one that let me get myself in here. I thought it would be real tough to fool a head shrinker, but boy was she a pushover. Always so sympathetic. So understanding. She don't deserve to be a nurse, let alone a doctor. RONALD Funny, she testified at my trial too. Hmm. Guess we both got lucky. EDMUND [absently] Yeah. Lucky. MUSIC SCENE 4. DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR Larson Edmund, I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate. EDMUND [as Achilles] I am trying my utmost, madam, but he simply refuses to converse with you. DOCTOR Larson [not batting an eye] Then let's you and I talk, Achilles. You claim that the killing was-- EDMUND [as Achilles] Killings. Let us be precise. Mercy killings, actually. [fading] I felt so kindly‑‑ MUSIC SCENE 5. CELL HALLWAY SOUND SNORING from all inmates SOUND scritching, like a mouse trying to bore through wood EDMUND [snores, then wakes, frightened] Ah! ah! What? [NOTE LOW VOICES] RONALD Shh. You'll wake the neighbors. EDMUND What was that? But that noise - it's-- RONALD I know. We call him Mortimer. EDMUND This place has mice? RONALD We haven't seen him, so we're not sure what particular type of rodentia he is, but we sure hear him. Particularly when it's quiet. EDMUND But how can I get any sleep--? RONALD You get used to it. We all get used to lots of things. HECTOR [coming awake with a scream] Aaagh! Off me, you fiend from hell! No! No! [goes on incoherently] ROSE [Wakes with a whimper] [NOTE VOICES NORMAL] EDMUND That'll take some getting used to. RONALD Yeah. MUSIC SCENE 6. DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR Larson Edmund, why don't you tell me about your mother? EDMUND [as Edmund] My mother? What - why? My mother's fine. She got nothing to do with this. DOCTOR Larson Do you love your mother? EDMUND Well, o'course. I mean, you gotta - it's just nature, ain't it? [trailing off with] No matter... what... she does t'you. DOCTOR LARSON What did your mother do, Edmund? [beat] Edmund? EDMUND [as Achilles] It's no use, doctor. He has gone into retreat. MUSIC SCENE 7. CELL HALLWAY SOUND cell block door opens INMATES [begin their various muttering] TERRANCE This way folks. Step lively now. SOUND CROWD MURMURS, LOTS OF SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS HECTOR What is this? How dare you bring in more of THEM! Mischief! Mischief! ROSE [aside, shocked, not pretending] What's a kid doing here? MOM Tommy, now look at that - that's what crazy folks look like. KID Gee. TERRANCE [like a carnival barker] Not just any crazy folks, lady, these are all crazy murderers! CROWD Ooh! TERRANCE Each and every one of these... people... has committed the most heinous of crimes! GIRL Wow, look at that one over there, he's kinda cute--! HECTOR Harlot! Harlot! Do not approach, or I must smite thee down! GIRL What's smite - is that bad? TERRANCE Best to stay away from the bars. Now, this here is Rose Connolly, known throughout the entire state-- ROSE [seriously disturbed] Stop looking at me! How can you--? Get them outta here, wontcha? TERRANCE --For killing her husband while under the inexorable compulsion of a persecution complex. ROSE This isn't right! GIRL What's inexcorable - is that bad? MOM Killing your man - now, that ain't right! RONALD Come, come, now - leave her, she is unimportant, aha! But I - I have a message to give unto you. MUSIC - TIME PASSES SCENE 8. CELL HALLWAY SOUND CROWD WANDERS OUT, DOOR SHUTS ROSE [Breaks down] Oh! RONALD How mortifying. ROSE [sobbing] Like animals in a zoo. EDMUND I'm surprised they didn't start throwing us peanuts. RONALD I tried to get them away from you, Rose, I really did. But big headlines trumps preaching, I guess. HECTOR This should stand as a warning to you, woman! You are never alone! There is always a witness to the wicked things you do! ROSE I have had just about enough out of you! You-- noisy little weasel! We girls, we're just folks just like everybody else - you have no right to-- RONALD Rose, calm down. Shh. It's not going to help. EDMUND Yeah. For crying out loud, we've made it this far, how much worse can it get? MUSIC SCENE 9. DOCTOR'S OFFICE EDMUND [as Achilles] It was mortifying for Edmund, Doctor. I think he may have suffered a terrible setback. DOCTOR Now, the tours are conducted for very good reasons. EDMUND What, pray tell? DOCTOR It's really not something we should be discussing, but - since you are so concerned - First, it is to show the public that this facility is on the up and up - you've certainly heard of the old fashioned "asylums" where inmates were neglected and beaten? This way, nothing is hidden - so no abuses occur-- EDMUND [almost breaking character] No abuses? DOCTOR Also, it helps to make insanity seem less frightening to the general public. Most people have seen insanity only in movies - where it is so inevitably terribly destructive and dangerous. This way, they see the human side of it. EDMUND [as Achilles] I see that your intentions are admirable, but I can't help but think that a trip through the violent ward would merely reinforce the negative popular belief? DOCTOR That's why the tour through the violent ward is only for serious students of psychology. [fading] You must have misunderstood. MUSIC SCENE 10. CELL HALLWAY SOUND cell block door opens RONALD And the lord said-- ROSE Can't you make them stop staring? SOUND footsteps, door closes inmates [CONTINUE MURMURS] sound cell door opens EDMUND [Achilles] Thank you, my good man. SOUND cell door closes, footsteps. then a scuffle! HECTOR [struggling] Give it to me! TERRANCE [struggling] Leave go, you ape! HECTOR [struggling] I have to-- oof! [air knocked out of him] SOUND two footsteps. dusting off hands TERRANCE That'll show you to tangle with me. HECTOR [weak] Yes, but ... I have your gun. ROSE [scream] EDMUND Stop him Ron - you're closest! SOUND Gun shot TERRANCE Aargh! ROSE Oh no! No! HECTOR [calm and creepy] The next one is for you, Delilah! Salome! ROSE Me? I didn't do anything-- [gasps] inmates [GASP] SOUND CLICK RONALD Who put out the lights? HECTOR It was the monster - Lilith, devourer of infants! SOUND Pssst of gas EDMUND Do you... hear... [getting sleepy] Some...thing...? MUSIC - TIME PASSES SCENE 11. CELL HALLWAY EDMUND [waking up] Hmm? Wha--? RONALD [groans] ROSE [wakes with a startled gasp] EDMUND What happened? RONALD At least the lights are back on. ROSE But I don't wanna open my eyes. EDMUND Look! RONALD Where? [disgust] Oh! ROSE Just ... just tell me, I don't wanna-- EDMUND Better you don't look, Rose. [muttered] That's a lot of blood. RONALD [muttered back] You don't lose that much and walk away. Too bad. Terry was a right guy. ROSE Blood? Oh, no! Hector? Where is he? He's going to shoot me! RONALD Calm down, Rose. He's gone. EDMUND So's the guard. There's just the... blood. SOUND CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER ON DOCTOR Larson [filter/loudspeaker] We apologize for the inconvenience of using a psychotropic gas on you. EDMUND Gas? DOCTOR Larson [filter] Rest assured there will be no long-term effects. EDMUND That was what I heard. DOCTOR Larson [filter] If you are feeling groggy or your head aches, sit quietly, breath deeply, and it will pass. SOUND CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER OFF ROSE [breathing deeply but raggedly] It wasn't our fault - they haveta know that! EDMUND It's not like we're a bunch of babes in the woods. They may know what happened and just not care. ROSE So just because I killed my husband, I;m gonna - I'm gonna hurt a random stranger? That's silly. RONALD [chuckles] No. Just insane, m'dear. MUSIC SCENE 12. OFFICE RUDY I don't see any way to-- EDMUND What? This is cruel and inhumane-- RUDY You don't understand, Ed. [dry] It is Ed I'm talking to, isn't it? EDMUND Yeah, yeah. RUDY You are not a free citizen. You've been consigned to DOCTOR Larson's care, and-- EDMUND Now you don't understand, Horton. A guard was killed last night, in our block-- RUDY You didn't--? EDMUND Nah, it was this loony who thinks women are all evil. RUDY Which, of course, you don't--? EDMUND This ain't the time for that, Rudy. I'm talking about a murder. RUDY There's no record of-- EDMUND The corpse's name is Terry, Terrance, something like that. He is - was - a guard here. Come on, someone's gotta be doing something! RUDY I haven't seen anything in the papers. These state-run facilities, though-- sometimes they're like a world in themselves. EDMUND Well get me another world. RUDY [chuckles] There's only ONE way to do that. EDMUND Yes? RUDY Admit that you're not insane... and go to the chair. MUSIC SCENE 13. CELL HALLWAY SOUND cell block door opens, rose's footsteps and a heavy set of man's footsteps, slow and measured. ROSE Can't you please stop looking at me? I know why - I know why you're staring! You can read my mind! SOUND keys jingle EDMUND [Achilles] You are such a lovely young lady. And so frightened. Come to me and I shall cure you of all your fear. SOUND door unlocks, opens rose Stop! Don't say things like that. He never takes his eyes off of me, you know. RONALD [quietly] And he said unto me, for I am the way-- SOUND rose's quick footsteps, door shuts, locks. EDMUND Hey, buddy, don't you talk? SOUND keys jingle. Heavy footsteps leave RONALD Justice is ever mute. SOUND door opens, closes INMATES [beat] EDMUND What's with that guy? RONALD I hate being ignored like that. ROSE He didn't say anything in the halls - going to the doc's office OR coming back, either. No matter what I did. EDMUND Did the doc say anything about the dead guard? ROSE Not a word, even though I asked. She just ignored the question. RONALD She didn't ignore you completely, though? ROSE No... But she didn't say much. Did she talk to you at all during your appointment? RONALD I didn't have an appointment with her this morning. EDMUND But you were gone-- RONALD I wasn't going to say anything, but the guard just took me out and walked me around the halls for an hour. MUSIC SCENE 14. OFFICE EDMUND I got rights, Horton! RUDY Well, technically, no. Actually, I could do more for you if you WERE in prison. Once you're committed to the doctor's care, you really can't complain. Particularly since you don't have any proof for any of your allegations-- EDMUND Allegations? Proof? How's this for proof - the others will back me up! RUDY [condescending] Two other certified inmates? Oh, sure. That'll stand up in court. MUSIC SCENE 15. EDMUND You guys ever wonder what they did with old Hector? RONALD Solitary confinement, I guess. Killing a guard's pretty serious. EDMUND [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, unlike whatever it was we did to get here. ROSE Hey, I draw the line at killing strangers. EDMUND Just your husband? ROSE Looking back, I guess it wasn't such a great idea. RONALD You guess? Hah! You-- EDMUND Why'd you do it, then? Did he push you around or something? ROSE [snorts] Nah. If he'd'a beaten me, I woulda had a defense in court. Nah, it was just little things. Like the sounds he makes when he eats - ate - and the thing with his toenails. Us women have to put up with this kind of thing all the time, but... It just got to me. EDMUND It just got to you? ROSE Well, yeah! RONALD There's a reason the marriage vows say until death do we part-- ROSE AND I wasn't going to the chair for something like that, so I started pulling the "he was out to get me" hash on my lawyer, and it worked. More or less. Not like this joint is anything to write home about. RONALD It wasn't so bad up until that guy Hector showed up. Since then... well. EDMUND So who'd you kill? SOUND tinny chamber music begins to pipe in, very quietly. RONALD I don't think so-- EDMUND [pushing] Go on. Who? ROSE Oh, leave off. Hey, that's kind of nice. RONALD What? ROSE The music. RONALD Hmm. And if I prefer to maintain my right to avoid self-incrimination? EDMUND Geez. Don't take it that way, I was just curious. [pause] I killed four women. ROSE Four? Maybe I SHOULD be worried. SOUND MUSIC STARTS TO VERY SLOWLY GET LOUDER EDMUND Oh, I put on a song and dance for the cops about how they needed to be killed to save them and all. Making up a Mr. Hyde personality to take all the blame. [beat] Three of em were mob snitches. ronald So what, you're a hit man? EDMUND I owed some money. Shouldn't have got caught at all, seeing as how there was no connection between me and them, but the cops got something - fingerprints or something - and they tracked me down. ROSE And ...the fourth? EDMUND Huh? [offhanded] Oh, just some dame - I did her to throw off the connections and make myself look nuts. I'd already figured on being caught - and better a whacko than a torpedo, ya know? SOUND MUSIC IS LOUD ENOUGH THAT THEY ARE RAISING THEIR VOICES OVER IT RONALD You are some piece of work. EDMUND Still casting stones, eh, preacher? Why don't you explain how you got here-- What in the name of --- What IS that MUSIC? ROSE It was ok... to start with... but, now--! SOUND MUSIC REACHES A CRESCENDO, THEN CUTS OUT WITH MUSIC STING - TIME PASSES SCENE 16. CELL HALLWAY SOUND door lock unlocks, door opens. RONALD --said the offender must be plucked out! SOUND slow footsteps EDMUND I am so sick of this guy. ROSE Are you taking me away? I know you've been watching me. SOUND rattle of large chain, stumbling footsteps victor [growls and snaps] sound keys, cell door opens. ROSE [whispered] Ed? Ed? That guy - is he even human? EDMUND [whispered] Shh. I dunno. ROSE [whispered] But he's so... so huge! SOUND shuffling footsteps, chain rattling. RONALD The beast! For I have seen-- victor [growl - lunge] SOUND scuffle of feet, chains clang against bars. RONALD Aah! SOUND scuffle away. victor [snarling] SOUND thunk of nightstick on flesh, rattle of chains ROSE He didn't-- it didn't even notice! The guard hit it and hit it-- [screaming] Get me out of here! Please! Please get me out of here! SOUND cell door closes, locks, rattle of chains against bars EDMUND Shh. He's not listening anyway. ROSE Anything! Whatever you want! [collapsing into sobs] I can't take any more! SOUND guard's footsteps, keys, cell block door unlocked ROSE Please! I'll admit everything! Take me to the doctor - the lawyer - the JUDGE! Anything! SOUND [beat] footsteps, keys, cell door unlocks. ROSE [Breaking down] Oh... thank you. Thank you...! MUSIC SCENE 17. OFFICE RUDY --none of your business. She's not my case. Now, Ed, they can keep you locked up any way they want - with anyone they want - for as long as they want. You're getting three squares a day, right? EDMUND Usually. Sometimes it comes pretty late, though. And there's been a couple of times it's been too salty to eat. RUDY So they have a crummy cook - place like this? Go figure. EDMUND You gotta get me out of here, Rudy. RUDY I've told you, there's no place else to put you. MUSIC SCENE 18. CELL HALLWAY RONALD I think he's asleep. EDMUND It. Rose called it an it. RONALD I asked the doctor about Rose. The doc said a whole lot of nothing, but I get the impression she - Rose - has revealed all, as they say, and is heading for a short vacation in a nice clean death row cell. EDMUND Not so bad for her. Women get pardoned all the time, specially pretty ones. RONALD Yeah. And you would know all about the pretty ones, eh? EDMUND [remembering fondly] They were all lookers, yeah. RONALD How can you sleep? EDMUND Don't get high and mighty moral on me, bud, you're in here too. RONALD I was only-- It WAS a moral choice. A decision that had to be made and no one was making it. EDMUND Oh, so who'd you kill? Cripples? RONALD I ended the suffering of several decrepit-- VINCENT [ROAR!] SOUND chains smack against cell bars RONALD [half choking] Let go! edmund Nobody's got arms that--! RONALD [gasping] Get someone! You gotta-- [choking] EDMUND Hey! Hey! over here, ugly! SOUND rattle of chains RONALD [gasps for breath] SOUND thumping footsteps, rattle of chains EDMUND Hah! Gorilla! Even you can't reach this far, eh? SOUND cell door being shaken victor [growls] RONALD [hoarse] Thanks, pal. EDMUND Don't thank me yet - I think those hinges are coming loose! SOUND cell door BREAKS open, rattle of chains RONALD Oh, god! No! Release the gas! Someone please release the gas!!! [choking] victor [growls] SOUND chains rattling against bars SOUND tinny chamber music plays over the fight noises EDMUND Not the music! The gas! He's dying, for crying out loud! RONALD [expiring noise] SOUND gas MUSIC SCENE 19. OFFICE EDMUND Horton, whatever I need to do, whatever I need to sign, just hand it over. I ain't spending another night in this place. RUDY You understand the consequences? You won't have the slightest option of recanting again and going back to your original statement. EDMUND Yeah, yeah. Anything - and I mean anything - is better than this freak show. MUSIC SCENE 20. RECEPTION PARTY SOUND glasses tinkle, drinks being poured DOCTOR Larson I'm so glad you find my program effective, Mr. District Attorney. DISTRICT ATTORNEY Well, I admit I had my doubts, when you first outlined it-- DOCTOR Larson You expressed concern about the danger of physical harm to the subject? As you now see, there is never any direct physical contact. Thus, there can be no allegations of physical harm or coersion. ROSE He might have come close to dying with fright, though. [teasing] You were quite terrifying, darling. victor [growls jokingly, then fairly cultured voice] After fifteen movies as monsters ROSE And an apeman... VICTOR [chuckles] And one apemen, who wouldn't be? HECTOR I'm rather glad I get to duck out early. Murderers just [shudders] give me the creeps. TERRANCE Hey, we're out of sham-pane. Want me to go and get some more? HECTOR Nah, I'll go. Be right back! DISTRICT ATTORNEY It seems like a lot of effort, though, for a single confession. A lot of manpower. [tip of the hat] And woman power. DOCTOR Larson Ah, but it's valuable work on a number of levels. We convince a murderer to confess, and we learn a great deal about the human psyche each time through the experiment. DISTRICT ATTORNEY Each time? How many--? ROSE Hmm... [thinking] I've had the screaming meemies four times-- RONALD And I've nearly died... oh, three, I think. DOCTOR Larson Not all of them last as long as our good friend Edmund. DISTRICT ATTORNEY I'll drink to that. MUSIC CLOSER INDIVIDUAL SPEECHES FOR THE "INMATES" FOR "ad lib" SECTIONS ROSE I can feel them, all the time, watching everything I do - always making sure. Always knowing. I never get a moment alone, never a smidgen of privacy. How can I live like this? It's always the same - at first, they seem so nice, so different, then they turn on you, controlling you, having to know everything you do, and then they just don't let you do anything. I couldn't even have a glass of water without getting permission. HECTOR Sinner! Be penitent and god may be merciful and end your despicable life - hah, raise your head in the presence of your condemnation, will you? Created to sin, designed by Satan to tempt honest men from the path of righteousness. Daughters of Eve, you share her taint! You try and draw us into your web, to make us debase ourselves for your enjoyment! Wickedness! Temptress! Succubus! RONALD God moves in mysterious ways, for his decisions are inscrutable and his calling ineffable. He has summoned me to his bidding, and I must obey. There is no evil in ending the suffering of those that god would have called home to his presence. He does not strike out in anger, but reaches forth to embrace his injured and damaged children, who need his solace.
Sometimes "reality" TV takes it one step too far. Sometimes two steps. Sometimes a flying leap. WARNING: IMPLIED VIOLENCE AND TORTURE Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Announcer - Frankenvox Alison - Beverly Poole Bart - Michael Faigenblum Carl - Mike Campbell Debbie - E. Vickery Ms. Sheldon - Sharon Delong Tanya - Tanja Milojevic Mom - Shayla Conrad-Simms Dad - Reynaud LeBoeuf Son - Eli Nilsson Fred - Joel Harvey Bob - Glen Hallstrom Helen - Helen Edwards June - Shelbi McIntyre Kathy - Kim Poole Additional Voices - Russell Gold; Julie Hoverson Music by Brian Bochicchio (Seraphic Panoply) Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's right here, right now, can't you tell?" ************************************************************************ IDIOT BOX Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] TV Announcer Alison, chipper Bart, sullen Carl, upbeat, hearty Debbie, nervous, angry underneath Ms. Sheldon, executive producer Tanya, in the sound booth Family - mom, dad, teenage son Bar - Fred, Bob, Helen Dorm - June, Kathy OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's right here, right now, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER last week, in the record-breaking debut of The Box, we were introduced to our four contestants: ALISON [chipper] I'm Alison, from Santa Monica. Hi, mom! CARL [hearty] Carl, from Atlanta - home of the Cartoon Channel!! DEBBIE [nervous] Debbie, from Salem. Uh, Oregon. [quickly] Salem Oregon. BART [sullen] Bart, Minneapolis [disgusted sigh]. ANNOUNCER The rules are on the screen now for all you viewers out there, to cover the formalities. They are also available on our website at [spelled out superfast] w-w-w-dot-s-k-i-n-n-e-r-i-d-i-o-t-b-o-x-dot-com. AMB FAMILY LIVING ROOM SOUND CHIPS EATEN FROM BAG ANNOUNCER [TV] And after this brief message, we'll show you the results of last week's voting. SOUND CLICK OF REMOTE SOUND POPCORN POPPING IN MICROWAVE MOM [off] You better not have turned that off, hun! SOUND MICROWAVE DINGS DAD Just muted. Sick of all these ads for freaking erectile dysfunction. If anything's going to give a guy man-trouble, it's having to watch all those damn ads. SOUND POURING POPCORN INTO BOWL SON Ew, dad. T-M-I. MOM [coming in, munching popcorn] The one I hate is that smiling guy. His wife just looks so scared all the time. Almost as creepy as the King. SON Am I adopted? Please say yes. DAD Ooops, back on! ANNOUNCER [TV] Did everyone vote? MOM I certainly did! SON Mom? [disgusted noise] Why? ANNOUNCER [TV] The voting is closed, the tabulations have been made, and the scores are coming up on the screen now. MOM [over the announcer] Why not? I want that nice young girl - the blonde - to win. She's very wholesome. ANNOUNCER [TV] And it looks like today Alison has been selected! MOM [satisfied] There! ANNOUNCER We have Alison in the studio now - let's see how she takes it. SOUND LIGHT MUSIC, ON THE TV SEGUES INTO REALITY ANNOUNCER Hello Alison! Say hi to everyone! ALISON Hi! Hi mom! Dad! ANNOUNCER How's the first week been treating you? ALISON This place is great! ANNOUNCER Throughout the show, we'll be showing some of the fun you four have been having. Now, why don't you tell me what you think of your new friends? ALISON Oh, wow - everyone's really great. ANNOUNCER Don't you find Bart a bit... isolated? ALISON He's just self-contained. I'm sure he's a good guy, he just doesn't open up real easily. ANNOUNCER And Debbie? ALISON She's shy - a lot like my sister. Hi Vickie!! ANNOUNCER [chuckles] That's great. ALISON And Carl - well, he's a blast. He's always thinking up great stuff to do. ANNOUNCER Yesterday you had sole access to the Dairy Dan Amusement park. ALISON Oh, man - that was awesome! They closed the gates and we got to ride all the rides all day long - no lines, no crowds! Woo! ANNOUNCER You've been chosen. ALISON Woo! [stumbles] I - What? What? SOUND CONTROL BOOTH ANNOUNCER [TV] Please step into the box. ALISON [TV - gasp, then steels herself] Right. [somewhat bitter] Thanks America. SHELDON That's the shot - tight in on 2, now 3 - yes! Keep her face centered until she shuts the door. TANYA Got it. SHELDON Okay, keep the volume low on that. It's early yet - don't want to wear out the viewers... SOUND [TV] ELECTRIC SHOCK NOISE, SOMEWHAT BRIEF ALISON [TV - short scream] ANNOUNCER [TV] We'll be right back after the break to find out what today's challenge will be. AMB DORM ROOM JUNE Omigod! Omigod! Did you see that? KATHY [distracted] Hmm? No but I sure heard it - did they just do what I think they did? JUNE They just shocked the crap out of the blonde chick! KATHY Was there actually crap? JUNE [duh] She was in the box. Shh. It's coming back on. SOUND TV TURNS UP ANNOUNCER [TV] We'll be right back with more of The Box after these messages. SOUND SOUND DOWN AGAIN JUNE I hate when they do that. KATHY Shock someone? JUNE No, have the logo come up and make you think the show is back on. KATHY Yeah, that's much worse. JUNE You know what I mean! It was totally mean that they shocked her - she's the one who got the most votes! KATHY Isn't that what everyone was voting for? JUNE No! At least, I don't think so - I mean, I thought it was voting for who would win something cool. I ...voted for her. KATHY You actually voted? JUNE On the website, yeah. KATHY Of course there's a website. Maybe you should read the fine print. JUNE Oh, oh! It's back on! Jeez, look at her poor hair! SOUND TV UP ANNOUNCER [TV] Back to the interview room, to hear from Alison. ANNOUNCER [real] Before we go on, I need to point out, this is the only time you can choose to leave the show. Are you prepared to stay? ALISON [gulps, then quiet] Yes. [clears her throat, louder] Yes. [very shaky] That wasn't so bad. ANNOUNCER Excellent. Now I believe you recently graduated from college, Alison. What did you get your degree in? AMB BAR ALISON [TV] I'm a liberal arts major, with a minor in art history. FRED So she's unemployed, eh? ANNOUNCER [TV] And you are engaged to be married? BOB Too bad. All the cute ones are taken. Even with that weird hairdo. SOUND TV SWITCHED TO SPORTS FRED Hey, we were watching that! HELEN Why? It's awful, letting them mess with people on TV like that! FRED [scornful] It's not real. BOB Course it is - it even has a website! HELEN Puh-leez. Lots of things have websites that aren't real. BOB Name one. HELEN Pamela Anderson's boobs. FRED She got you there, pal. BOB C'mon - just switch it back long enough to see what today's challenge is? Please? HELEN Ya big softie, you. SOUND TV CHANGES BACK ANNOUNCER [TV] Carl, you got the second most votes this week - Do you have anything to say to the viewers at home? Obviously you're doing something right, to get so many votes. CARL [TV] I think it's just my sunny personality, Bob. People like winners, and I am a winner. AMB LIVING ROOM SON Weiner. MOM Language! SON [dismissive noise] Doesn't that dipstick know that most votes gets zapped? DAD Maybe he doesn't - they might not tell THEM everything, either. Makes sense. Why else would they be so excited? SON But that sucks! That sucks big time! Here they are, trying to be all cool and get people to vote for them, and they're like masterminding their own torture or something. DAD It's just a game, No one really gets hurt. MOM Well, I was kind of upset that Alicia-- SON Alison. MOM Yes, that she got shocked. I didn't know that voting for her would do that. I kind of feel bad now. SON Well, don't vote for her next time. MOM I certainly won't! ANNOUNCER [on TV] Well, we've spoken to two of our four contestants, and the voting is open for the halftime winner. Go on line now or text to-- SOUND TV MUTES, AMB/DORM SOUND COMPUTER KEYS KATHY What are you doing? JUNE Voting. KATHY Vicious much? JUNE No! I - I just don't want her to have to get shocked again. Damn! It only lets me choose one of those two - not the other guy. KATHY So you want to see him get shocked? JUNE Well, no, but I like him the least. KATHY Just cause you don't think he's cute. SOUND ONE LAST KEY JUNE Um, there. KATHY So who'd you vote for? JUNE The guy - the nice one - of course. I like him, too, but I don't want her to get shocked again. SOUND TV UP AGAIN ANNOUNCER [TV] Regular text messaging fees apply. And now‑‑ SOUND OMINOUS MUSIC ROLLS IN ANNOUNCER [TV, ominous] The moment in the spotlight. Will it be Alison or Carl? The voting closes in three minutes, so hurry up and make your vote count - if the lines are overloaded, make sure and try back - but be quick. [normal] While we wait, let's watch some clips from the preliminary interviews with the other two contestants. MUSIC ANNOUNCER [TV] And what are you studying? DEBBIE [TV] I'm - um - a poli sci major. FRED So she's gonna end up unemployed too. BOB Whatever happened to good old trade schools? FRED They're still around - just the trades aren't. You seen any cobblers in the U.S. of A recently? Nope. It's all farmed out to Pakistan and Koala Lumper. HELEN Lumpur. FRED Sez you. HELEN I can turn it off, you know. BOB Yeah - see now Helen here's got a job that can't be farmed out - long as there's guys like us, there's always gonna be bars, eh? FRED Until they invent a mixology robot. BOB Hey, the lights are flashing on the screen, must be something important. SOUND TV TURNED UP. SOUND OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES ANNOUNCER [TV; evil "suspense" pacing] And the one who got the most halftime votes. Will it be Alison, our stoic liberal arts major? JUNE Yes, yes - come on come on!!! ANNOUNCER [TV] Or Carl, who tutors children with learning disabilities. MOM Oh, that's awful! SON Awful? That he works with retarded kids? MOM [almost a whisper] That I voted for him. ANNOUNCER [TV] And the one who got the most votes in the 8-minute half-time poll was-- SOUND HEAVY DRUMBEAT ANNOUNCER [TV] Was-- SOUND HEAVY DRUMBEAT KATHY Look at how much she's sweating! JUNE You'd sweat too if you just got shocked! ANNOUNCER [TV] is -Carl! JUNE Whew! KATHY Shh. Let's see what happens. ANNOUNCER [TV] This means that at the end of tonight's show, Carl will be up against the second half winner in a showdown to see who gets a million dollars sent to the charity of their choice. HELEN Waitaminute - she gets shocked and he gets a chance to win big bucks? That's so not fair! FRED That's the way it is. Women always getting the short stick. HELEN Especially when they're dating you, eh? BOB [laughs, tried to stop] FRED Yeah, yeah - you can joke now, but I'll give you 70-30 odds that the other winner is that other guy. BOB The grouch? FRED Yup. Is it a bet? BOB Fifty bucks? FRED Whoah, whoah! Let's not get carried away here, now. MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT ANNOUNCER Entering week five of The Box, you can see the ratings posted for our four contenders. [hushed] Last week, it looked as though Debbie had finally broken-- DEBBIE [TV] I hate it! I hate you all! You can all just go and-- SOUND LONG SERIES OF BLEEPED WORDS SOUND ZAPPING AND SCREAMING UNDER NEXT LINE ANNOUNCER But after her trip to the box, she refused to cry off. DEBBIE [TV] [breathing heavily and gulping] No [gasp] way! [gasp] You don't [gasp] get rid of me [long shaky breath] that easily. [sob] ANNOUNCER And now, a new week - and what was this week's challenge? STUDIO AUDIENCE Fasting! ANNOUNCER Yes, fasting. Whoever could go the longest without eating even a single bite of food got a free pass this week‑‑ ANNOUNCER [TV] --and we'll find out who managed that in just a moment - after a few words from our sponsors. SOUND CLICK, SOUND OFF JUNE [urging] C'mon Debbie! KATHY Debbie? Hah. She's got no body fat to start with. Bart has a much better chance of surviving-- JUNE Don't say that! You just like him cause you know I don't! KATHY I root for the underdog. It's a principal. And no one likes that poor bastard. JUNE If no one likes him, how come Debbie's the one always getting shocked, huh? [almost a sob] Huh? ANNOUNCER [TV] Let's bring our four contestants out on stage to hear who's going to be free and clear for another week. Alison-- SOUND MUSIC UP, DOOR OPENS, SHAKY FOOTSTEPS ANNOUNCER [real] Alison, how are you feeling? ALISON [trying to be perky] Not too bad. I made it almost three whole days on nothing but water. ANNOUNCER But then you lost it? ALISON [heavy sigh] Yeah, I had to give in and get something. [resigned] I figured fine - just put me in the box. At least that eventually ends. ANNOUNCER Thank you, Alison. Now go over to the isolation booth while we talk with each of your friends. ALISON [venomous] Friends? Hah! ANNOUNCER [TV, confidential] She needs to learn to be careful about trading today's pain for tomorrow's - what she doesn't know is we've [ramping up] turned the voltage up another notch! AUDIENCE [TV, CHEERS] HELEN This just keeps getting worse. It has to be against the law. BOB Oh, come on. They signed waivers, didn't they? Plus, it's all fake - like wrestling. Seriously. Even if they did do this stuff, they have to have doctors and all on staff - make sure no one really gets hurt. SOUND UNWRAPPING AND OPENING A FORTUNE COOKIE FRED Hey, listen to this - "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." BOB Figures the Chinese would think of that first. FRED Nah. The Chinese didn't make that up. HELEN Then who did say it? FRED [immediate] Thomas Jefferson. BOB I don't think so. FRED Yeah? And who do you think it was? BOB Some Greek philosopher or other. [idea] Julius Caesar! HELEN You guys make your bet, I'll call Jonesy on the next commercial and he can google it. SOUND TV TURNS UP ANNOUNCER [TV] So Bart, you made it the longest without eating - you have any special tips for the viewers out there on how you did it? BART [real] Huh? ANNOUNCER Any tips? We'll give you a minute - these moments of uncertainty are just further proof that our show is live and unedited. While Bart ponders this, I'll recap - Alison gave into her craven need for food first, followed by Carl and Debbie - in a virtual photo finish, where Debbie held out for one millisecond longer than Carl. Good going Debbie! BART I hate you. ANNOUNCER Hmm? What's that? BART I hate you and all you stand for. ANNOUNCER Do I hear an opt-out coming? For those of you just tuning in, during this episode and this episode alone, any of our four contestants can opt out at any time - not just immediately following a trip into the Box. So Bart, are you-- SOUND A BEEP TRIES TO CUT HIM OFF ON THE FIRST WORD BART Fuck you! You can't get rid of me that easily. BART [TV] I don't care how many times you drug me and try to get me to bow down to the corporate machine! You and all you people at home - you are sadistic bastards, but I'm here for the long haul - And when I finish, whether I win or not, I will be traveling around the country demanding the pound of flesh each and every one of you bastards owe me!!! KATHY For god's sake, turn it off. JUNE No, he's making a valid point. We shouldn't be party to this. KATHY The very act of watching it validates it. JUNE No. I'm only doing this to bear witness. KATHY The advertisers don't care. They just want to you to watch. JUNE Well, I won't vote any more. KATHY Then you can't complain when your favorite gets zapped. JUNE [upset] Oh hell! ANNOUNCER [TV] Well, that was very enlightening. Before you out there start emailing and phoning - please refer to clause 42 slash 8 slash F, subsection I-I-I, paragraph y, where it sets out the game's rules covering mental illness or defect. Thank you, and good night! SOUND TV TURNED OFF HELEN Anyone checked out the big pools? FRED What do you mean? HELEN There's huge bets all over the place - everyone guessing who's gonna last the longest. BOB Well, no one's washed out yet. FRED They're a tough bunch of kids, but I bet I could make it on that show. Age does bring wisdom. BOB To who? FRED You're too young to remember this, but I was a P-O-W in nam [rhymes with "ham"]. I been through it all. Torture, deprivation, brain washing. HELEN They sure got yours squeaky clean. SOUND DRINKS WHOLE BEER DOWN. BOB Ahhh. MUSIC ANNOUNCER This week, week 9 of The Box, we might just lose a second contestant. ANNOUNCER [TV] Alison, you've spent three days in this jacuzzi - brought to us courtesy of Big Joe's cut-rate pools and spas. Now, people might think this was fun, but of course, you can't fall asleep or you might drown! ALISON [TV, parched, delirious] You suck, Bob. FRED Friend of yours? BOB You wish. ALISON [TV] Get me out. ANNOUNCER [TV] You do know that whomever leaves their jacuzzi first goes directly into the box? ALISON [TV] No! I want out! OUT! I can't - you can't make me stay here! JUNE They can't, can they? KATHY How much you wanna bet she signed something that says they can? JUNE That's illegal! KATHY Being stupid and greedy? Nah. They'd run out of prisons. Unless you subscribe to the idea that our whole world is a prison. JUNE [very upset] Don't talk like that - look at that poor girl! They're just dragging her across the stage! KATHY Wow. I wouldn't'a thought it would take three guys to handle her, after all the crap she's been through. ALISON [TV - screaming weakly and struggling] ANNOUNCER [TV] It is understood, under the rules, that the clemency episode has run out and, once again, the only time you can opt out is right after a session in the box-- SON If she's all wet, wouldn't that make the shock worse? DAD At least her hair doesn't end up all weird since they shaved her head after that challenge last week-- SON Three weeks ago. DAD Really? Anyway, they probably compensate somehow. MOM Are you sure? DAD [unsure] Well... They can't really hurt her - that would be... ANNOUNCER [TV] Oh, and - I've just got a word from the producer! We've got a three minute vote - so grab your phones! ANNOUNCER [real] Now this will cost one dollar per vote, so make yours count! Dial the studio number and hit 1 if you want us to let Allison forfeit and leave now, push 2 if you think we should hold her to the rules. And voting opens [beat, then TV] Now! SHELDON Start the positive counter. TANYA On it. Running. NARRATOR [TV] The positive votes will tally right here on the corner of the screen, and if, after the vote closes, there are more positive than negative votes, Alison will immediately leave the studio - damper but wiser... BOB Man, I wish I was in Vegas. FRED Nah - you know what's going to happen. The odd's'll be crap. HELEN Course. They'll let her go. FRED You gotta lotta faith in people, babe. Nah. I'll give you 10 to 1 she's gonna ride the lightning. BOB [incredulous] "Ride the lightning?" FRED You know - old sparky. The electric chair? Man where have you been? BOB Considering no one's been executed in an electric chair in this state for - um - help me out Helen-- HELEN 50 years. BOB 50 years. FRED Really? HELEN How the hell'm I supposed to know? BOB Well, whatever - a long time. HELEN Actually, I think this state always hanged people. FRED Hung. BOB The countdown! 5 - 4 - JUNE 3-2- MOM [almost breathless] One. ANNOUNCER [TV] All votes are in, and as you can see, we had a regular landslide of support for our dear friend Allison here. we have 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes for clemency. Good for you everyone! We'll show the other side, right after this-- SOUND TV OFF DAD No way! MOM You can't ! SON I won't watch any more of this. This is brutal. MOM [angry] Don't you dare! How can we not ... find out? SON No. MOM Just until they announce it - we don't have to watch ...if she... SON Gets it? SOUND REMOTE THROWN ONTO TABLE SON You do what you want. I'll be in the garage. SOUND [after a moment] TV CLICKS ON COMMERCIAL [something] KATHY I bet the commercials for this cost top dollar. Like superbowl ads. JUNE How can you just be so snarky - that girl could die! KATHY Nah. They can't do that. It would be illegal. JUNE Not normally, but remember when that guy had a stroke on "Danger Island" last year? The family sued, but the waiver made it perfectly legit. KATHY And that wasn't even that exciting. ANNOUNCER [on TV] For those just tuning in, we have perky little Allison in the Box, awaiting your verdict. [continues under] Does she take the next shock, or have you tipped toward clemency for this poor girl? SHELDON Give them the split picture. TANYA Before and after? SHELDON Uh-huh. [grim] Show them what they did. ANNOUNCER [on TV] The negative votes have been tallied. SOUND DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC ANNOUNCER [ON TV] And we had 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes to let her go. BOB I'm still saying they'll let her off. FRED Nope. You already lost that twenty, pal. HELEN Shh! ANNOUNCER [TV] The negative count is seven million three hundred-- SOUND TV OFF KATHY Did you vote? JUNE Yes. [beat] Twenty times. KATHY [shrug] You can't beat the bastards. JUNE But if everyone just voted a few more times... KATHY Three million more times. JUNE How can people be so horrible? SOUND [NEXT DOOR TV] SCREAMING PEOPLE [laughing] SOUND POUNDING ON WALL JUNE [yelling at them] How can you be so horrible?? KATHY They're drunk. Didn't you see the sign? JUNE [half a sob] Sign? KATHY The one that said "come to gary's room, get drunk and watch The Box"? JUNE [down] No. KATHY Look, turn it on. You'll see she's not dead or anything, then you'll feel better. JUNE But what if she's not? I mean, what if she is? I mean-- KATHY [sigh] Then you'll know. SOUND [beat, then] TV TURNS ON SOUND [on TV] AMBULANCE SIRENS JUNE [sob] MOM [sob] Her poor parents! DAD Don't worry so much - she's not dead. MOM She was for 43 seconds. DAD That doesn't even count these days - happens all the time on House. MOM [very upset] But this is real! SOUND [on tv] MUSIC UP ANNOUNCER [tv] And we'll be checking in with Allison as soon as she regains consciousness to confirm her wish to opt out. For now, the game comes down to Bart and Carl. ANNOUNCER Don't forget - no matter what happens, the game's big final episode is in two weeks. SOUND CAMERA OFF SHELDON Nicely done. ANNOUNCER It's really wearing me thin. SHELDON Almost over. And after today's vote, there's no way the station can afford to cancel us. ANNOUNCER [sigh, then grudging] Two more shows. SHELDON [with meaning] And then we announce the results. MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT AMB NOISY BAR BOB [ordering] Another one. FRED Packed tonight. SOUND DRINK SET DOWN HELEN It's the finale. FRED [tired] Oh, yeah. That. BOB Bottom's up! HELEN Slow down, or I'm gonna have to pour you into a cab. SOUND CAR KEYS SLAPPED ONTO THE BAR, SCOOPED UP SOUND GLASS SET DOWN HARD BOB Ahhh. CROWD ROAR OF EXCITEMENT HELEN Hold on! I'll get it. SOUND TV SOUND UP MUSIC FANFARE ANNOUNCER It's the night we've all been waiting for. The night the final results are announced. And we will have an ultimate winner. Let's recap what the winner will walk away with. SOUND VOLUME DOWN SOUND DOOR OPENS KATHY Oh, you're not watching that, are you? [sneer] I thought you decided it wasn't worth it! JUNE [shell shocked] I can't not watch! I have to know! KATHY Look, let's go to the library or something. JUNE No! I would die of suspense! KATHY It's not-- SOUND TV VOLUME COMES UP KATHY [sigh] I'm not staying. SOUND DOOR CLOSES ANNOUNCER And the contest comes down to our two finalists, Bart and Carl. They have endured amazing hardship to make it this far. Do you have anything you want to say to the people at home, Bart? BART You still suck and you always will. Every single one of you! Every person who just sits by and supports this shit! ANNOUNCER [still jovial] And yet, you have continued to play our sick little games - as you call them - despite being offered chance after chance to leave. BART Hah! I don't plan to fucking let you win, you scumbags! ANNOUNCER Well said. And you, Carl, do you have anything for the audience? CARL [mumbles] ANNOUNCER Speak up? CARL [vague, reciting] We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Sitting by lone sea-- lone sea.... the sea. The sea. See see oh playmate, come out and play with me.... [fades out] ANNOUNCER There you have it, folks. And now we go to our man in the street interviewer, Tanya. Take it away! TANYA Thank you. I'm in a major metropolitan center here, asking people on the street what they think of the Box. ANNOUNCER If they're outside right now, instead of glued to their sets, they must not think much of it. BOTH [fake laugh] SOUND TV OFF SOUND EATING MOM What? Don't you dare! DAD Hey, we were watching that! SON Are you enjoying this? MOM Enjoying? DAD What do you mean? SON All this shit they've put those people through! You can barely tell them apart now, after they've been starved and had their heads shaved. They look like concentration camp victims! MOM But - but this is the last show! DAD What does it matter if we watch or don't watch? SOUND THROWING DOWN A REMOTE SON Do what you want. I'll just hope for a six-car pileup. Maybe you'll trade up. SOUND DOOR OPENS AND SHUT SOUND REMOTE TAKEN, TV ON ANNOUNCER And for tonight, the big surprise is-- SOUND DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC ANNOUNCER Two boxes! SOUND CANNED CHEERING ANNOUNCER One for each of you. While we get them all set, here's a word from our sponsor! AMB BAR CROWD Buzzing "two boxes?" BOB [slurry] Whaddaya think they've got up their shleeves? FRED They're gonna kill one of those boys. HELEN [confidential] I heard that girl Allison is in a private clinic, barely alive. FRED Where'd you--? HELEN Internet. BOB [sarcastic] Yeah. Then it's probably true. SOMEONE Turn it up! HELEN Got it! SOUND TV UP ANNOUNCER And now. The moment of truth! All the votes have been tallied. As you can see, we have Bart over here in the red box-- SOUND CANNED APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER [tv] --and Carl over there in the blue. SHELDON close up on Bart, camera 2. Yeah, baby, clench that jaw. Now cut to that trickle of sweat on Carl's face. Nice. TANYA Back to the announcer? SHELDON One more second, and - yes! ANNOUNCER [tv] And now, with the votes tallied, we will find out who you out there have selected as the big winner, and who has to take the big penalty. ANNOUNCER [real] But first, we caught each of our contestants here on secret camera last night. Let's see what they were doing on the penultimate night. SOUND QUICK JAB OF STATIC VOICE [tv] ...need to get out now. You don't understand what they have planned for tomorrow. It's so much worse! AMB BAR BOB Who the hell izzat? BART [TV] [scoff] Worse? Worse how? HELEN Don't know. FRED Look at that announcer fellow - he's surprised too. HELEN [half a chuckle] Serves him right. ANNOUNCER [tv] Sorry - we should have screened that clip before playing it. Let's go over to Carl's shot. CARL [tv] Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall--[cuts out suddenly] ANNOUNCER [tv] And that's all the time we have for that. And now the moment of truth. Carl or Bart? You held their fate in your hands. SOUND COMMERCIAL COMES ON UNDER MOM [coming in] Where's Kyle? Have you seen Kyle? DAD [mesmerized] He'll be back. Just ... went out to a friend's house. Probably. MOM You should turn that off and find him! DAD We can look in ten minutes just as easily as we can look now! MOM This is our son! DAD It's almost over! SOUND OMINOUS MUSIC ON TV ANNOUNCER [tv] And now. The final countdown. MOM Five minutes. SOUND SHE SITS ANNOUNCER [tv] This has been quite a journey for everyone - and we would like to thank you all for your support and participation. BOB Support? I'd shoot that stupid bastard if I had a chance. And a gun. HELEN You're not the only one, but a lot of people paid a lot of money into that damn show. ANNOUNCER [tv] --making us the highest rated network series ever-- FRED yeah, and even WE count for ratings, since we happen to be watching it. BOB [steaming into an alcoholic rage] Then let's not watch it! SOUND SLAMS GLASS ON BAR, LIQUID SLOSHES FRED Calm down, pal. BOB No! Is this what our world has come to? This crap?? SOUND THROWS BEER GLASS AT TV, TV DIES, BUT OTHER SET PLAYS ON IN THE BACKGROUND CROWD [Shocked silence] FRED Great, one down, only seven hundred million TV sets to go. HELEN I'll put it on your tab. CROWD [chatter begins again] ANNOUNCER [tv] --will definitely be returning for a second season, starting next fall-- SOUND DOOR OPENS ANNOUNCER [tv] --and we're looking at celebrity contestants. TANYA [tv] That will be a whole new ballgame. KATHY Sorry, didn't know it was still on. JUNE [distraught] Stay. Please. KATHY Ugh. Why? JUNE Because I don't think I'll make it otherwise. KATHY Make what? ANNOUNCER [tv] And now for the final outcome. MOM Yes? DAD About time. ANNOUNCER [tv] the final results. FRED Don't call the police. I'll get him home. HELEN Yeah. This time. ANNOUNCER [tv] What we've all been working toward. JUNE [crying] Can't they just say it? TV, MUSIC SWELLS, THEN CUTS OUT SUDDENLY JUNE What? HELEN Shit, must have blown the circuit. DAD The electricity's still on! KATHY Is there something wrong with your TV? MOM No! It's practically new! FRED Come on. Quitting time, pal. SOUND TEST PATTERN NOISE, THEN MUSIC SUDDENLY CUTS BACK IN ANNOUNCER Thank you all for participating in our experiment. MOM [gasp] ANNOUNCER As you can see, all of our actors are in perfect health. JUNE [sob] How could they--? KATHY Bastards. ANNOUNCER We would love to hear your reactions to this show. Please feel free to leave us a message at www-dot- SOUND TV SWITCHES OFF HELEN [last call voice] Allright. That's it. CLOSER [NOTE: George Santayana, author of the quote.]
MATURE THEMES AND VIOLENCE When a drifter wanders into a small town - things may get a little... hairy. Written by Julie Hoverson Cast List Marjorie Baines - Violet Crestley Lou Garreau - Reynaud LeBoeuf Edith Baines - Eleice Krawiec Dennis Cooperman - David Collins-Rivera (Lostinbronx) Skitch - Justin Grubbs Children - Katy and Athena Music by Thomas Cusack / [Leafy Lane Productions] Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson and Justin Charles [1st Draft Productions] Cover Design: Charles Austin Miller "What kind of a place is it? Why it's small town in wartime in the middle of the last century, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** Loup Noir Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Lou Garreau, forlorn drifter MARJORIE Baines, precocious teen Edith Baines, mom Skitch, thug Officer Dennis Cooperman, Mom's old flame OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a small town street, during world war two, can't you tell? MUSIC AMB BIRDS, PUSH LAWNMOWER, DISTANT RADIO MARJORIE [reading, in a gruff voice] How can you have no pity for me, oh my Beauty? [high voice] But it is my father! He is dying!-- LOU [clears his throat] I'm sorry to-- CHILDREN [surprised noises] MARJORIE Oh! [to a child] Here, hold the place in the book. SOUND GETS TO HER FEET MARJORIE Do you need some help, mister? LOU Uh. I'm looking for a Mr. Baines? MARJORIE Father? He's not here right now. LOU [deeply disappointed] Oh. Will he be back soon? MARJORIE [sadly] He's... been dead for three years. LOU [resigned] Oh. You wouldn't happen to have a brother, would you? MARJORIE James. Yes. Why? LOU Is HE around? MARJORIE Overseas. Marines There's no way to know when he'll be back. LOU [heavy sigh] Thanks. SOUND STARTS TO WALK AWAY MARJORIE Were you a friend of father's? LOU [rueful laugh, low] We've never met. [up] Where's the cheapest place to stay around here? MUSIC AMB GARAGE SOUND LIGHTBULB CHAIN CLICKS ON, DANCES LOU [groan of pain and waking] DENNIS [whispered] Are you ready to talk yet? LOU [mumbled] Talk about what? DENNIS Talk about what you are. LOU What am I? DENNIS [hissed] You're a monster. SOUND SLAP MUSIC AMB PARK SOUND PAPER FOLDING MARJORIE [coming on] Oh, hello! Sorry, I never got your name. SOUND PAPER CRUMPLES LOU Lewis. Lewis Garreau [gah-ROH]. Lou. And you're a miss Baines? MARJORIE Marjorie. Why were you looking for my dad? Did he owe you money? LOU [taken aback] I-um-- No. It's --private. MARJORIE You don't have to treat me like some kind of kid. I'm almost old enough to drive. LOU [quiet rueful laugh] MARJORIE What's that you made? A bird? SOUND PAPER LOU It's a crane. MARJORIE Hmm. Nice. But mister, your crane - it ain't got no legs. LOU It's flying. MARJORIE Can't fly forever. LOU I suppose that depends on whether there's a good place to land. MARJORIE Minds me. Did you find a place to land? LOU Miss Mason was full up. MARJORIE What're you gonna do, then? LOU Move along. Sleep in the park. Done both often enough. MARJORIE Must be nice to sleep out under the stars. LOU [strange] And the moon. MARJORIE Not much of a moon tonight. [looking up] Is it just me or is it sort of strange when it does that - hanging like a big old smile in the middle of the bright blue sky? LOU There's plenty of strange things about the moon. [sigh] Run along home, kid. Don't you know better than to talk to strange men? MARJORIE Hmph. If you're going to be that way-- LOU I am. MARJORIE [angry] Hmph. SOUND STORMS OFF, WALKING ON LEAVES MUSIC AMB GARAGE SOUND SLAP DENNIS Just own up to it. LOU [resigned but in pain] To what? DENNIS What you did to that kid. LOU What kid? DENNIS You were there when we found the body, you bastard. LOU oh... SOUND SLAP MUSIC AMB PARK MARJORIE [muttering, huffy] Treating me like I'm some sort of child. Who does he think he-- SOUND RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES MARJORIE [gasp] SOUND SHE STOPS, THEN STARTS TO RUN SOUND RUSTLE, THUMP AS SHE RUNS INTO SOMEONE MARJORIE [gasp] SKITCH Hey Marjie. Need someone to walk you home? MARJORIE Let go of me, Skitch! SKITCH What if I don't wanna? Maybe I need someone to lean on. MARJORIE You just want to push me over! SKITCH Don't knock it til you try it. MARJORIE [trying to sound tough] Let go, or I'll-- SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN THUMP AGAINST A TREE MARJORIE [gasp] SKITCH You will, will you? Tell you what, give me a kiss and I might let you go. MARJORIE Kiss? You?? I'd rather kiss a dog. SKITCH Oh, you like dogs, do you? Dog-style's fine with me-- [starts panting like a dog] SOUND RUSTLE, BODY FALL MARJORIE [starts to scream, muffled] SOUND STRUGGLE LOU Get off her, you punk! SKITCH Find your own rabbit, grampa. MARJORIE [still struggling] LOU [almost a growl] Take a hike! SOUND SKITCH GETS UP, MARJORIE RUNS AWAY SKITCH [incredulous] You wanna rumble? [laughs] I only fight guys my own age. LOU [still growly] Why? Scared? SKITCH [a little uncertain now] No! [conciliatory] Look, pops, it was just a bit of fun. No harm done. LOU A little late to apologize. [Yah! noise as he throws a punch] SOUND FIGHT BEGINS, FADES INTO MUSIC AMB GARAGE SOUND SLAP DENNIS How does it feel to crush the life out of someone? LOU [uncertain] I...I didn't. DENNIS And who else could it'a been? You ride into town and just by coincidence, something horrible like this happens? No sale, bub. LOU [moan] DENNIS That nose looks bad. Gonna need to be set. LOU It doesn't matter. DENNIS Here. I'll straighten it. SOUND JUICY CRACKING NOISE LOU [howl of agony] MUSIC AMB PARK LOU Ouch! [hiss of pain] SOUND FEET ON LEAVES APPROACH SLOWLY LOU Go away. MARJORIE No. You need a handkerchief or something? I studied first aid last year. LOU I'm fine. MARJORIE [insisting] Here. Did he bite you? [joking] You gotta watch out, that dingbat's got rabies. LOU [low, bitter laugh] It's nothing. MARJORIE Why were you looking for my father? LOU I - I promised to bring him a message. MARJORIE Maybe my mom--? LOU No, no... I'll just move along. Maybe when your brother comes home. MARJORIE Oh, come on-- EDITH [off] Marjie? Marjie? MARJORIE [triumph] Too late! [up] Over here! [back to him] Come on. If nothing else, you'll get dinner out of it. EDITH [coming in] Marjie? What are you doing? [a little wary] Who's this? MARJORIE This is Lou, mother. He chased off Skitch. MUSIC AMB GARAGE DENNIS Noses bleed like a sonofabitch, don't they? [sniffs at his bloody hand, disgusted noise] LOU [juicy sniff of pain] DENNIS [backs off a bit] Think those ropes will hold you there for a while? I spose I might have some chains somewhere. LOU [sniff again] Why? DENNIS [harsh] Because I know what you are. MUSIC AMB DINNER EDITH Since you're the guest, Lou, would you like to say grace? LOU [uncomfortable mumble] I'm not used to being so formal, Mrs. Baines. EDITH Edith. MARJORIE Oh, I'm sure you'll do it just fine. EDITH "Very well." MARJORIE Huh? EDITH “Just fine” isn't proper English, Miss Marjorie Baines. MARJORIE Sorry, mother. LOU [murmurs something quickly] Amen. EDITH [consternation] oh! Amen. MARJORIE [satisfied] Amen. SOUND A MOMENT OF SERVING, EATING EDITH We're not really used to having company, Lou. Will it bother you if we talk at the table? LOU [bewildered] uh - No? EDITH Thank you. [serious] Marjie, what was that you were saying about Scottie? MARJIE [sigh, rolls eyes] Skitch, mother. He stopped answering to Scottie simply ages ago. EDITH You said Lou ... [trying not to sound too worried] chased him off? MARJIE [losing her bravado] Yeah. He was being ... pushy again. LOU I – I don't think he's likely to bother you again any time soon. MARJIE Oh? Did you wallop him good? EDITH Good gracious, Marjie, sometimes I simply do not know what to say about your treatment of the English language! MUSIC AMB GARAGE DENNIS You think the police don't notice when an – an animal like you creeps into town and right off bad things start to happen? LOU The bad things were here before I was. Nothing you do's gonna change that. DENNIS Shut UP! SOUND SLAP LOU [Ung] DENNIS Don't go passing out on me, now. [beat] You still in there? LOU [gurgle] DENNIS [mock sympathy] Yeah. I know. We'll think of something to make this better. LOU [gurgling whisper] Don't... don't kill me. DENNIS Now why would I want to kill you? I want something from you. LOU [suspicious] What? MUSIC AMB DINNER EDITH So, Lou, tell us something about yourself. LOU Not much to tell. Been ... wandering. MARJORIE "Looking for", or "looking away"? EDITH Marjie! MARJORIE It's from a song, mother. It's poetical. LOU A little of both, I guess. Ain't no one makes it to ...where I am... without a few regrets. EDITH Have you ever thought about setting down some roots? LOU Nah. [uncomfortable mumble] Ain't no place would have me. EDITH What's so terrible about you? MUSIC AMB GARAGE DENNIS See, I want to understand. To know what makes you tick, ya freak. LOU You couldn't understand. Not in a million years. DENNIS Well, we don't got a million years. Just a couple of hours til night falls, eh? LOU Why do you--? [disgusted noise, realizing] You know? No! You want it! [horrified laughter] You think it would be fun! DENNIS I think it would be... useful. MUSIC AMB CRICKETS and FROGS, OUTSIDE EDITH I hope you don't mind, Lou. I don't really have any place to put you inside. But it's a fine night, and Rolf's hammock is very comfortable, and the back yard is-- LOU [uncomfortable whisper] I'm very grateful. EDITH Here's some blankets. Even a fine night can get chilly. LOU Thanks. EDITH [hesitant pause, then] Marjorie said-- said you were looking for Rolf? LOU Your husband? Yes. EDITH Why? LOU [sigh] Someone way back in my family did something to someone in his family, so we owed him. [quickly explaining] It's not money - I mean, look at me. EDITH Oh. No, I didn't think-- I was just wondering if maybe you knew him. [nervous now] I should get inside, Make sure Marjorie's all ready for bed. SOUND A FEW STEPS, CREAK OF HAMMOCK ROPES EDITH [off] Goodnight. LOU Night. [sigh] MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, NIGHT LOU [muttering, grunting, in the throes of a nightmare] SOUND DISTANT FRANTIC WHINNY OF A HORSE SOUND WOLF HOWLS, VASTLY DISTORTED AND DISTANT SOUND HUNTING DOGS SOUND HEAVY BREATHING, UP CLOSE SOUND GUN SHOTS MUSIC AMB [morning birds sneak in] MARJORIE [voice blurring into dream] Lou! Wake up! LOU [waking with a roar, which turns into a noise of surprise as he falls out of the hammock] [then, muffled] Ouch. MARJORIE [stifling a laugh] Sorry! You were having a nightmare. I thought it would be better to wake you up. LOU [still muffled] Sorry. [getting up] I didn't hurt you, did I? EDITH [off] Everything all right? MARJORIE [walking off, still grinning] He's not used to a hammock. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. LOU [slight chuckle] SOUND DOG NEARBY STARTS TO BARK, WON'T STOP EDITH [from off] Come on in, I've got breakfast on! I wonder what's got into Rufus? MUSIC AMB GARAGE DENNIS So how does it ... work? LOU It doesn't. DENNIS [calmly reasonable] I could probably break your nose a few more times. LOU It's never going to happen. DENNIS I'll get it out of you, even if I have to bite you. MUSIC AMB PARK SOUND WALKING MARJORIE Thanks for walking me. Skitch has been ... weird recently. LOU Weird? MARJORIE [heavy sigh] Creepy. Grabby. LOU You sure you don't want your mother to talk to his folks? MARJORIE I don't want to get him in trouble. [quiet] His dad beats him up bad. Scottie used to be okay. Almost a friend. Now he's - [firm] now he's just a creep. LOU Nice is one thing, but you gotta look out for yourself. MARJORIE Yeah. [long moment of silence as they walk] What was it you wanted to talk to my dad about? LOU Just something from way back. Something about his family. [painful lie] Nothing that ... can't ... wait. MARJORIE Is it something about werewolves? LOU [taken completely by surprise] uh-- what? MARJORIE I only ask cuz papa always talked about great granpapa and the old country. And how he used to be a big hunter. LOU [trying to sound disbelieving] Of... werewolves? MARJORIE That's what he always said. MUSIC AMB GARAGE DENNIS So. How does it work? LOU You'd have to kill me to find out. DENNIS Let's save that for later. LOU What time is it? DENNIS Couple of hours yet. That is, if you're waiting for ...dark. LOU I got nothing to look forward to. DENNIS Why did you come here, to this town, anyway? MUSIC AMB PARK LOU [doubtful] Your ...family hunts werewolves? MARJORIE Well, not nowadays. I don't think there's any werewolves left. No place left to hide in the modern world. LOU [down] Yeah. MARJORIE Sides, doesn't take a great hunter to kill stuff any more. [beat] Now that we have grenades. LOU [snort of laughter] MARJORIE Hey, you can laugh! I thought maybe that was broken. LOU Just on the fritz. SOUND HE STOPS. SHE STOPS MARJORIE [laughing] what? [serious] what? LOU Don't ignore this Skitch kid. Seriously. MARJORIE Well I wouldn't say I IGNORE him-- LOU I can see you want to be kind, but what about the next girl? MARJORIE Next? LOU You think you're really the only one? MARJORIE B-but Scotty-- LOU There are things that can turn even the nicest guy into an animal. MARJORIE [weakly] Like a werewolf? LOU Werewolves are rare. Very rare. But angry, mean, dangerous boys are common. DENNIS [controlled anger] Morning, Marjie. You need a hand with anything? MUSIC AMB GARAGE LOU How do you think you know anything? DENNIS This. SOUND SET SOMETHING DOWN LOU That was-- DENNIS THAT bullet hit a strange "wolf" in the woods last night. But I didn't find it out in the woods. LOU No. [sigh] You think this is something you could control, don't you? DENNIS I got self control. MUSIC AMB WOODS MARJORIE Morning, Deputy Cooperman. DENNIS [acknowledging] Marjie. And this is--? MARJORIE Lewis. He was a friend of dad's. DENNIS [hostile] New in town? LOU [trying to stay quiet] Just passing through. DENNIS Were they expecting you? MARJORIE Goodness. Listen to you, like he's a suspect or something. Maybe you should be doing something more useful, like looking for Skitch. DENNIS [disdain] Skitch? MARJORIE Scott Jorgenson. DENNIS And I should be looking for him, why? MARJORIE [backing off] He just - It's not that I want you to arrest him or something. He just was bugging me out here yesterday. LOU He grabbed her while she was out here alone. DENNIS I'll keep that in mind. MARJORIE [moving away] Come on Lou - I don't want to be late for Joan's birthday party. SOUND THEY WALK AWAY MARJORIE [calling back over her shoulder] Bye, Deputy Cooperman! SOUND AMB GARAGE DENNIS You gotta have self control to be a lawman. LOU You're a sheriff's deputy. SOUND SLAP DENNIS AND when Sheriff Bonaventure is out of town, I'm in charge. [backs off a bit] Look, I can think of all sorts of ways to hurt you. But I've been reading a couple of books from the library, and they all agree that it's a bite - you biting me - that will give me what I want. LOU No. DENNIS You're not going to bite me? Oh, there's ways. LOU [yelling] It's not like that. It's not goddamn tetanus or snakebite! DENNIS Then tell me what it is like. Enlighten me. LOU [very serious and heavy with meaning] It is a curse. MUSIC AMB DINNER TABLE EDITH Should we wait dinner for Marjorie, do you think? LOU Joan's mother said she would drive all the girls home. EDITH Do you-- do you think Skitch is a danger? I wish Rolf - or James - was here. LOU James is your son? EDITH [heavy emotion] Yes. LOU Marjorie sounded real proud that he's in the marines. EDITH [breaks down crying] LOU What - what's wrong? EDITH [sobbing] He's dead. LOU [stunned, but hesitant] Your husband? EDITH [wail] James! LOU [crushed] oh ...hell. [realizes] Oh. Uh. Would you-- like a shoulder? I don't mean anything by it-- EDITH [crying] Thank you. [buries her sobs in his shoulder] LOU [trying to be comforting] There, there. SOUND DOORBELL LOU Maybe that's Marjorie? EDITH [quickly calming, but strained] She would just come in. SOUND WALKS TO DOOR EDITH [gasp, then very important] Marjie doesn't know. About James. I got the telegram two weeks ago, and I just haven't - I can't -- LOU Your secret is safe with me. EDITH Thank you. SOUND OPENS DOOR DENNIS Evening, Edith. EDITH [surprised] Evening, Dennis. Is there a problem? [gasp, panic rising] Did something happen to Marjie? DENNIS Nothing like that. I just wanted to check in and make sure you're doing Okay. LOU [low rumble] We ran into the deputy in the woods on the way to the party. [tightly controlled] He was concerned. DENNIS Can we talk, Edith? Alone? EDITH Dennis. I'm not ready. Really. DENNIS [hiding anger] Not about that. About you having strangers in the house with an impressionable girl like Marjorie. EDITH [angry now] I'll raise my daughter the way I see fit! I don't need your help on that score. DENNIS Edith, I-- EDITH I don't think we have anything else to discuss, Deputy Cooperman. We were just about to eat dinner. Good evening. SOUND SHUTS DOOR EDITH That ... [quiet but intense] ASS. LOU What did he do to annoy you so bad? EDITH Oh... He tried to marry me, way back when. MUSIC AMB GARAGE LOU Can I have some water? DENNIS Tell me something first. LOU What? DENNIS [shrug] Anything. [excited] Just tell me SOMETHING about what it's like! LOU It's a curse. It isn't fun. DENNIS How can you say that? To have the power of life and death right in the palm of your hand! LOU A gun gives you that. DENNIS Yeah, but a gun - people go looking for a gun. But with an animal. They just shake their heads and say how sad. No one LOOKS. LOU Not for the first one. Maybe even the first two. But what do you do when it's the 10th or 20th, or hundredth body to turn up mauled? DENNIS You have to plan. That's all. LOU That's part of the problem. You can't plan. MUSIC SOUND OUTSIDE, PORCH SWING LOU How'd he end up a deputy, anyway? EDITH 4-F. Too short. Everyone else went... away. [starts to cry again, quietly] LOU Shh. Here. EDITH It means a lot to have - to have someone to lean on. Just the comfort. It's so-- LOU Yeah, I know. [gently teasing] I won't try and marry you or anything. EDITh [small sniffly chuckle] SOUND FEET APPROACH EDITH Oh goodness. SOUND RUSTLE AS THEY PART SOUND FEET ON STAIRS MARJORIE [teasing] Gosh. Setting a bad example? LOU Cold. I mean your mother was. EDITH [a little too fast] Yes. MARJORIE Goodness gracious! I'm just tickled to find out you're still a human being in there, mother. LOU [embarrassed laugh] EDITH [brisk, covering] I think it's time to turn in. MUSIC AMBIANCE GARAGE DENNIS [chuckles] I'm a really good planner. I can handle it. LOU You don't understand! It's not YOU any more. There's this ... agony, and then you wake up. You're not even a passenger on that train! DENNIS What? LOU It's like - like you send your camera on vacation in your place, and when it comes back, the pictures fade slowly in. You never get everything, just glimpses. And it's always the worst things you did. ALWAYS. DENNIS You're just trying to put me off. LOU [fierce!] NO! I would LOVE to see you suffer the way I have!! If it weren't that people would die, I would gladly pass this burden on to you. DENNIS Only bad people. LOU When you're - like that - every person looks the same. Meat. MUSIC AMB BREAKFAST MARJORIE I hope you don't mind. Mother had to help with something at the church, so I cooked. LOU Smells good. MARJORIE Are you thinking of dating my mom? LOU I... can't. MARJORIE Whyever not? LOU I have to move on. MARJORIE Right away? LOU Before the end of the week. MARJORIE Hunting a werewolf? LOU [sigh] Something. MARJORIE Tell me. LOU Don't get it into your head that you're gonna hunt werewolves, young lady. MARJORIE Of course not. But I want to know. LOU [indecisive grunt, eats] MARJORIE [overly casual] Are you a werewolf? LOU [spit take, then quiet] Yes. MARJORIE [serious] Did you come here for dad to kill you? SOUND HE SETS DOWN THE SILVERWARE LOU [quiet but firm] Yes. MARJORIE Why dad? Just cause of granpapa? LOU Your family. It's - this is a curse. I mean the werewolf. And whoever kills the holder of the curse will be cursed in turn. MARJORIE You killed one? LOU A long time ago. And the only people who can kill a werewolf without being cursed are your father's family. MARJORIE Oh, golly. LOU So I'll go away and check back later-- MARJORIE My brother's dead. LOU Uh-- Yeah. Your mother told me. MARJORIE So that leaves just ...me? LOU I couldn't do that to you. MUSIC AMB GARAGE DENNIS Just because you can't control yourself-- LOU You don't think I've tried? DENNIS I am a lawman. LOU I don't see a lot of justice right here. DENNIS You're an animal, not a man. LOU Kill me, then. DENNIS I'm sure I'll have to. Eventually. SOUND PHONE RINGS, DISTANT DENNIS Oh, heck. [laughs, teasing] Don't go anywhere. SOUND DENNIS LEAVES LOU Hah. Ouch. SOUND TAP ON GLASS LOU What? SOUND OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS, MARJORIE SLIPS IN MARJORIE Oh my gosh! What did he do to you? LOU Get out of here! MARJORIE No way! At least I can get these knots undone. LOU It's almost dusk! MARJORIE [realizing] Oh! But you wouldn't hurt me! LOU I would never. But IT doesn't care. MARJORIE What can I do? LOU Go home. And if you never see me again, but you... hear... howling--? MARJORIE What? LOU If it's not me, it'll be him. SOUND DOORKNOB TURNS MARJORIE I'll be back! SOUND SHE OPENS OUTSIDE DOOR LOU [SCREAMS, FIGHTING TO GET LOOSE, AND DISTRACT DENNIS AS HE ENTERS] MUSIC AMB BREAKFAST MARJORIE But that leaves you... What will you do? LOU Try and stay away from people, as much as I can. MARJORIE Is it that bad? LOU Yes. But no matter how bad it gets, I'd rather suffer it myself than leave someone else to go through it. At least I'm used to it. MARJORIE What if you killed yourself? LOU You don't need to fill your head with these morbid ideas. MARJORIE Hush. What about it? LOU I can't. I've tried. Over and over. If I even start, it takes over. That's one of the only times the wolf comes - except the full moon. MUSIC AMB GARAGE LOU [Howls] DENNIS [excited] Is it starting? LOU No! DENNIS Damn. I want to watch. LOU No. You don't. DENNIS Yeah. I do. [beat] You know what's funny? LOU Donald duck. DENNIS Hah. Hah. What's funny is that phone call I just got - Apparently Scott Jorgenson's dad just sobered up and turned himself in for beating his own damn kid to death. LOU Yeah. That's real funny. DENNIS So I got nothing to even blame you for. LOU I suppose that means you're gonna untie me any minute. DENNIS Uh... no. LOU Aw, shucks. DENNIS [deep breath] Getting late. Guess it's time for the chains. LOU You want to know the secret? DENNIS Yeah!? LOU Come closer. DENNIS Yeah? LOU Real close. DENNIS [a little suspicious] Really? LOU I have to whisper. DENNIS What? LOU [rra!] SOUND BITE, RIP DENNIS [scream!] SOUND ROPES CREAK, WOOD SPLINTERS LOU [rough, growl] It's starting! DENNIS Oh my god! LOU [agony noises] SOUND HORRIBLE SHAPE SHIFTING NOISES DENNIS [freaking out] SOUND GUN SHOTS LOU [hit, expires] DENNIS Huh. [touches his bite, hiss of pain] SOUND CREAKY FLESH NOISE DENNIS What? SOUND BONE CRACKS DENNIS [pain!] oww! SOUND DROPS GUN, BEGINS TO FLOP AROUND THE ROOM SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN DENNIS [howls!] SOUND HORRIBLE SHAPESHIFTING NOISES SOUND GUN PICKED UP DENNIS [almost unintelligible] Self control! I can... control... [disintegrates into a howl] SOUND GUNSHOT DENNIS [pain] MARJORIE [crying] Oh! [Unh! exertion noise when she shoots] SOUND GUN SHOT DENNIS [yelp of pain, then angry growl] SOUND NAILS ON CONCRETE, HE STARTS TO MOVE MARJORIE No! Unh! SOUND GUNSHOT DENNIS [yelp! Expires] SOUND WOLF FALLS SOUND 2 more shots, then clicks. SOUND SILENCE MARJORIE No more nightmares, Lou. SOUND OPENS THE DOOR MARJORIE Not for you, anyway. SOUND SHUTS THE DOOR MUSIC NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE, VERY MUCH LIKE LOU'S MARJORIE [wakes with a gasp] SOUND DOOR, FOOTSTEPS AMB KITCHEN, COOKING EDITH Honey? You look dreadful. Are you feeling all right? MARJORIE I think we need to have a talk, mom. About my father. END
Inspired by the classic 1920s Shudder Pulps, a mad scientist has captured a set of victims and forces them to play his hideous game! Warning: Mature themes and brutal violence- Seriously Three men, chained in a dungeon! Beautiful women in peril! An evil genius doctor! Villanous minions! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Garth Jenkins - Chris Stockett Klaus Heinz - Lothar Tuppan Luigi Marconi - David Collins-Rivera Dr. Chnossos - Chris Stockett Grace - Risa Torres Nathalia - Tanja Milojevic Amelie - Julie Hoverson Susanne - Sara Falconer Helga and Oda - Julie Hoverson Mongrel Henchmen - Danar Hoverson & Reynaud LeBoeuf With thanks to The Vault of Evil - where I encountered the dreaded Shudder Pulps!!! Music by Conspiracy (via Jamendo) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a dank dungeon room, sometime in the 1920s, can't you tell?" **************************************************************************** TROPHY CASE Cast: Garth Jenkins, American athlete 25 Klaus Heinz, Prussian pilot 27 Luigi Marconi, Italian strong man 30 Dr. Chnossos - wheelchair nutjob 60 Amelie, French girl 20 Nathalia, Russian girl 20 Grace, British girl 20 Susanne, American girl 20 Helga, German girl 20 Oda, Swedish girl 20 MONGREL HENCHMEN [any age] OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a dank dungeon room, in the early 1920s, can't you tell? ROOM WITH BOX, TEASER MUSIC SOUND DOOR SLAMS GARTH See if there's something to bar the door with! AMELIE I can't see - it's too dim in 'ere! SOUND [outside] YELLS! THUMPING ON DOOR GARTH [grunts, holding door shut] ODA They are right behind us! NATHALIA We should kill them. Then they will never catch us. GARTH We gotta try and stay ahead of them. GRACE There's a box over here! GARTH Can you move it in front of the door? GRACE Help me, someone! ODA [plaintive] Is it heavy? GRACE It's big. Need to get it away from the wall. ODA [uncertain] I'll help. SOUND GRIND OF WOOD ON STONE GRACE and ODA [grunt, pushing] SOUND SWOOSH OF BLADE ODA [SCREAM, gurgle] GRACE [Scream of fear] SOUND BODY DROPS ODA [whimpers, expires] GRACE [covering mouth, trying to stop screaming] NATHALIA [excited, but not afraid] She is dead! GRACE [hiccuppy gasp, gets control] That blade just came out of the wall when we pushed the box! AMELIE [to Grace] You come with me. We will 'old the door and let monsieur look. [up to him] Je ne sais - eh - we do not even know your name! GARTH Garth. Garth Jenkins. AMELIE I am Amelie. [hinting] And this is--? GRACE [almost composed again, but still sniffling] Grace. I can't believe it. [starting to lose it again] How could something like that... happen..? AMELIE 'ere. Lean on the door with me. GARTH Well... Stay back, ladies. NATHALIA I can see perfectly well from here. GARTH Ok. She's dead, all right. That blade must have been on a tripwire of some kind. NATHALIA It cut her nearly in half. AMELIE What is this tripwire you speak of? GARTH A trap. He said there would be traps. I guess you need to know why we're here... MUSIC FLASHBACK DUNGEON SOUND CHAIN, SCUFFLE, ECHO, DRIP LUIGI [muttered, in pain] Mamma mia! GARTH Wowsers. My aching head. KLAUS [snort of indignation] SOUND CHAINS RATTLE LUIGI Hey now! This is an outrage! Who are you to do this-a to me! GARTH Do what? I can't see a thing. What's someone doing? KLAUS [calm, superior] Someone has locked us all in chains. CHNOSSOS [over intercom] Yes. [evil chuckle] You are all my prisoners. GARTH Wowsers! LUIGI It is an outrage! CHNOSSOS Yes, yes. I am outrageous. GARTH [to doc] You should let us go. The American government won't like this one bit. No sir. LUIGI [to doc] You watch yourself, funny guy! You come-a let us out now, and maybe we don't-a kill you dreadful! KLAUS Shut up! [they do] I wish to hear what this man has to say. CHNOSSOS Very good. I said I am your captor, and this is true. GARTH Hey! LUIGI Outrage! CHNOSSOS I have brought you here to play my game. [evil chuckle] I thought that would silence you. I am Doctor Chnossos. Perhaps you have heard of me? [waits, no reply, then grumpy] Probably for the best. I am a secretive genius. [upbeat again] You see, I have it in mind to find the perfect male human specimen in the entire world, and have narrowed it down to you three. GARTH Specimen? I ain't no specimen! LUIGI Mamma mia! Look no further! I am the strongest man alive! No one can stand before me! KLAUS [musing] Fascinating. CHNOSSOS Through exhaustive research, I have narrowed it down to you. Garth Jenkins, All-American football star, Olympic runner, and gold medal swimmer. GARTH I can hold my breath for three minutes! CHNOSSOS Luigi Marconi, European strongman and champion wrestler. LUIGI I snap you like a twig! CHNOSSOS And Klaus Heinz, fencing master, ace pilot, and big game hunter. GARTH Really? LUIGI Pilot, like the Red Baron? KLAUS I see no point in denying it. CHNOSSOS The game is simple. See who makes it out of my little labyrinth alive. GARTH Wowsers! KLAUS Hmph. LUIGI Santa Maria! CHNOSSOS There is only one exit. Somewhere out there in my maze. And only one of you may leave. [ominous] Ever. GARTH You want us to... kill each other? LUIGI I'm not-a that kind of feller. KLAUS It could not be so simple. CHNOSSOS You are right. It is not that simple. I do not care who dies, only who escapes. Kill or do not kill - that is no concern of mine. GARTH Good. CHNOSSOS BUT... whichever ones are left inside will surely die, for I will seal the door the minute an escape is made. KLAUS Of course. LUIGI Dios mio! CHNOSSOS And, of course, my beloved maze - it is full of traps! MUSIC Box room AMELIE They 'ave stopped. At the door. NATHALIA Should we open the door and look? GARTH I don't think so. It could be a trap. GRACE [cold] If what you say is true, this entire place is a trap. I for one would rather die than fall into their hands, if they're anything like the fellows I saw [falters] before... before-- AMELIE oh! Moi aussi! GARTH Nobody's dying! NATHALIA [snort] GARTH Nobody else! SUSANNE [distant] [horrible screams!!! THEY GO ON A LONG TIME] AMELIE Mon dieu! NATHALIA We need weapons. GRACE I wish she would stop! GARTH Well, I've checked everything I can think of on this box. Looks like I can open it, though after what happened, I wish I had a good old pool cue or something to let me stay back. AMELIE We will stay by the door. GRACE Out of your way. SOUND SLOW CREAK OPEN BOX GARTH I just wish I knew what that crazy doctor wants with-- [breaks off in surprise] What the hay? NATHALIA What is it? GARTH The box is full of ... [a little worried] weapons. MUSIC FLASHBACK DUNGEON GARTH Why in blazes are you doing this? CHNOSSOS As I said, I must see who is the most perfect male. Since you each have your own strengths-- LUIGI Strength! That is what I have. CHNOSSOS --there is no direct comparison except through competition. To begin with, those chains-- SOUND CLANK, CLATTER AS CHAINS FALL AWAY CHNOSSOS --must come off. There is no contest in watching strong men starve to death. Speak amongst yourselves. I must go and prepare the next challenge. [evil laugh] SOUND NOISE TO INDICATE SPEAKING SYSTEM IS OFF GARTH You! Fellows! KLAUS Ja? LUIGI Donchoo come-a no closer! GARTH See here, we should work together. If there's danger here, cooperation will be the best thing for it. KLAUS [considering] But this voice - he said that only one can win. LUIGI And that one - its'a gonna be me, by all the saints! GARTH That's all fine and dandy, but right now we're just three fellers in a dark room. Let's at least stick together til we find a way out. Or some light. SOUND DOOR GRATES OPEN KLAUS I think you get both of your wishes. SOUND KLAUS WALKS GARTH Hey, not so fast! It could be a trap! KLAUS I think it is too early in the game for that. No. This is merely an opening move. I will make the first counter move. SOUND LUIGI GETS UP LUIGI I'm-a gonna wait and see what happens to that bosch before I step up. No sense a-both of us getting killed alla the same time, eh? GARTH It looks safe ...so far. MUSIC BOX ROOM NATHALIA Weapons? Guns? GARTH No, no guns. Hold on. SOUND STUFF BEING MOVED, JUST A LITTLE GARTH Huh. [almost a chuckle] A good old pool cue. Stay back! AMELIE Why? Should we not 'elp? GARTH I saw something move. I'm gonna see what I can... SOUND SOMETHING FLOPS ON THE FLOOR NATHALIA A whip! I'll take that. GARTH You know how to use it? NATHALIA I had a very unusual ... boyfriend. AMELIE 'Ow unusual? NATHALIA [laugh] Oh! Your face! He worked with the circus. Trained animals. GRACE I don't suppose there might be a riding crop in there? I'm a dab hand with close cuts. GARTH Stay back! SOUND THUMP ON THE DOOR AMELIE 'Elp me 'old the door! GRACE [grunt, she throws herself against the door] Find us something we can use - quickly! SOUND THUMP ON THE DOOR MUSIC dungeon CHNOSSOS Come in gentlemen. [evil chuckle] I can see that physical perfection is no guarantee of courage. LUIGI I ain't-a no coward - donchoo say that! KLAUS [from off] I think you had best come in here. GARTH Come on. LUIGI I'll a-go first. SOUND WALKING GARTH Holy moley! LUIGI Santa Maria! KLAUS Most charming, are they not? Sleeping peacefully in their night shifts. GARTH Look, here, you! It's all very well to challenge us fellows, but this-- CHNOSSOS The six ladies you see before you are the most beautiful women in the world. LUIGI You ain't a-kidding! CHNOSSOS You might recall a recent article about the loss, at sea, of the boat carrying the finalists in the world beauty pageant? GARTH Jumping jehosephat! KLAUS [aha] Of course! LUIGI That explains-a everything! CHNOSSOS It was all a ruse - the boat DID sink, but not until I had "relieved" it of its lovely cargo. GARTH And the rest of the passengers and crew? CHNOSSOS Unnecessary. They went down with the ship. Couldn't have anyone left behind to inform the authorities of my presence, could I? KLAUS What is the matter with the girls? Why do they not awaken? CHNOSSOS Oh, it's been much easier to keep them drugged until now. They should be coming to any minute. Before they do, I should tell you the rest of the rules of the game. LUIGI Game? This ain't-a no game! GARTH Shh. Let him talk. CHNOSSOS No one escapes without a woman. I need two perfect specimens - a male and a female. KLAUS You sound like you plan to start a master race. CHNOSSOS I leave that to others. Each of you must choose one of the women for your companion. LUIGI What do we -uh- do with the girl? CHNOSSOS [juicy] Anything you like. But you must keep her alive until you find the exit. KLAUS Do you have to keep the same woman? CHNOSSOS Any woman will do. That's all the same to me. MUSIC BOX ROOM SOUND THUMP ON DOOR! GRACE They're going to get through any second SOUND WHIP CRACK NATHALIA [vicious, excited] Let them. GARTH Here's a knife, and - oh! SOUND THUMP OF KNIFE INTO BOX GARTH Got it! SOUND THUMP ON DOOR GRACE [gasp, strain] Got WHAT? GARTH Something spidery. Probably poisonous - that's why I'm taking this kinda slow! SOUND SPIKE COMES CRUNCHING THROUGH DOOR AMELIA [gaspy scream] Be more quick! NATHALIA Let it open. GARTH All right. On three, both of you, move over there, quick! I don't want to lose nobody else. SOUND THUMP, CRASH! MUSIC dungeon GARTH What about the others? CHNOSSOS What? GARTH The other girls. There's six of them and only three of us. What happens to the others? CHNOSSOS [nasty wicked] Don't worry. They won't be alone for long. [evil chuckle] You think I run this place single-handed? I have a horde of ..."men" just waiting to [insinuating] make the ladies' acquaintance. GARTH You fiend! KLAUS Very clever. LUIGI You put this into our hands? You make-a this all our fault! CHNOSSOS [taunting] Your fault? Why, no! Think of it this way - you each get to save one of these ladies from their fate! GARTH A fate worse than death! CHNOSSOS Just because those left behind are.... mmm... doomed. GARTH Well, we won't leave any, will we? [beat] Will we? KLAUS It will make it very difficult to succeed, herding a flock of women through a maze. LUIGI I like-a the ladies, but they can be a little hard to manage. SOUND GIRLS BEGIN TO WAKEN GARTH You heels. [up, to doc] Hey! What if we don't leave any of 'em behind? What about that? CHNOSSOS You can make that choice if you want. And of course, should any of them die in the traps in this maze-- GARTH Die? CHNOSSOS --and I assure you gentlemen, the traps are very very deadly! You might do well to take more than one, rather like a spare tire - since no one will make it out without a distaff partner. KLAUS Nein. GARTH No, Six. KLAUS [exasperated sigh, then "duh"] No. I will burden myself with only one. Easier to watch over. AMELIE [waking, very French] Oh la la! Ou et la? LUIGI But how do you propose to choose who gets a-which a-one? GARTH We should make up our minds now - before they all wake up and start a ruckus. NATHALIE [russian-sounding mutter] KLAUS I have already decided. I will have this blonde one. SUSANNE [waking up] Oh!! GARTH Why's that? KLAUS Simple. She is the smallest. Easiest to carry, should something happen. You, girl. SUSANNE [gasp, American] What? Where am I? GARTH Hey, you should leave her to me. She's from the good old U-S of A! KLAUS Too late. Come with me, girl. SUSANNE I don't want to-- KLAUS [threatening] Do not argue with me. This is a matter of life and death! CHNOSSOS Too right you are. For in five minutes, that green door on the far wall will open and a few of my choice minions will be let loose in this room. And you know what will happen then... [evil chuckle] GARTH Holy cats! We better get a move on. LUIGI But where a-do-a we go? There's the dreadful green door, and the way-a we came in, and then--? SOUND GRATING OF STONE KLAUS How convenient. Three doorways open. Come girl. I will keep you alive. SOUND GRABS UP SUZANNE KLAUS And we will make our exit, stage left. SUSANNE But I don't understand! KLAUS I will tell you all you need to know. [commanding] Come! SOUND THEY LEAVE AMELIE And 'oo will tell us all we need to know? LUIGI French? Eh! I have always favored French girls. I'll take-a you. AMELIE [defiant] Take-a me where? I do not think so! LUIGI [getting mad] Don't argue a-with-a me! You won't-a getta better chance-a than this! GARTH You better go, lady. Bad things are gonna happen here. AMELIE Huh! And no bad tings will 'appen with thees fellow? Hah! LUIGI Atsa your bad-a luck, then. You-- HELGA Ja? LUIGI Do notta speak. Just come. SOUND HUSTLES HER OFF AMELIE Hmph. Adieu. MUSIC BOX ROOM SOUND MAN CHOKING GARTH Leave off! NATHALIA [with exertion] He would be doing worse to me, were our positions reversed! GARTH We already killed three of them! We should keep him alive, make him tell us how to get out of here! NATHALIA Very well. [lets up, then hissed] You! You will take us through the maze, or He will leave you to me again, and strangling you is NOT the most painful thing I can do with this whip. SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER MONGREL [gasping] GRACE Are we certain the others are dead? GARTH Best as I can be. AMELIA I want 'is spear. Anything to keep terrible things at arm's length. GRACE I guess that leaves me the knife, unless you want to dig further into that box. SOUND CREAK OF WOOD GRACE The box! It's tipping forward! GARTH Dang it! [to the captive] YOU! Where do we go from here? MONGREL [gibbers in his language] GARTH Don't tell me he don't speak no English! AMELIA If he does not speak, then he is no use! NATHALIA Da! Then he is mine! MONGREL No! No! GRACE There's an opening under the box - and the darkness! It's moving! AMELIA Spiders! NATHALIA Bah! A whip is useless against such as those - we must leave here! MUSIC DUNGEON GARTH Gosh. I can't leave any of you girls here alone. That wouldn't be right. AMELIE We can look after ourselves. NATHALIA Speak for your own self! I want him to look after me. ODA Someone tell us, please, what it is that is going on? GRACE Yes. Can't you fill us in? GARTH Not here, not now. We gotta get moving - bad things are coming. GRACE Bad things? Could you be a bit more vague? AMELIE [troubled] That voice over the intercom - it said that. I think he is sincere. GARTH We'll get a move on, and I can tell you as we go. ODA You are taking her with you? GARTH Darnitall, I'm taking all o' y'all. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SUSANNE [distant, still screaming and gasping, and sobbing] KLAUS Verdammt. She must be behind the wall here, somewhere. [noise as he kicks the wall] GRACE [distant scream] KLAUS My apologies, miss America. But there remain other fish in the ocean. SOUND HE WALKS AWAY FROM SUSANNE'S SCREAM MUSIC FLAShBACK TO BOAT SOUND CALM OCEAN, DISTANT MUSIC SUSANNE Gee, this is swell! AMELIE You are recovered from your mal-de-mer? SUSANNE One hundred percent! Gosh, even seasick sounds so much nicer in French, don't it? AMELIE [laughs] ODA Oh, here is where you are! It is almost time for the curfew. AMELIE I don't think it is so dangereuse, to steal a few more minutes of this lovely ocean air! SOUND FEET APPROACH GRACE Ah, I'm not the only one with a mind to an evening constitutional? Makes one sleep quite soundly. SUSANNE Is that another boat out there? AMELIE [shrug] Eh. There are innumerable boats in the ocean. SOUND BELL SUSANNE Yeah. I swear it's coming right at us. ODA [a bit worried] Oh, come along, we must obey the rules! SOUND THEY WALK INSIDE, DOOR OPENS GRACE You'll forget all about strange boats once you get around some warm milk, and tuck up for the night. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI HELGA I cannot move another step! LUIGI [threatening] Ahhh! You know what-a will happen to you if-a you don't! HELGA [stifled sob] LUIGI Open that door. HELGA My hand is still bleeding from the last door! LUIGI So. You still have one-a good hand. [growl] Open it. HELGA [sobbing breath] LUIGI [warning noise] HELGA [takes deep trepidacious breath, pushes door open] SOUND DISTANT EXPLOSION HELGA [gasp!] MUSIC FLASHBACK TO BOAT AMBIANCE BOAT SOUND EXPLOSION NOTE GIRLS HAVE BEEN DRUGGED, ARE GROGGY SUSANNE What? What's going on? SOUND STUMBLING TO DOOR SOUND HUGE CREAK, THINGS SLIDE SUSANNE What the - oh!! [stumbles, gasps for breath] ODA Why is the world sliding to the window? SUSANNE I'll try to [gasping breath] try to get to the door-- SOUND STAGGERING FEET ODA Don't leave me! I cannot swim! SUSANNE I'll just-- SOUND DOOR FLIES OPEN MONGREL [evil laughter] SUSANNE [screams] ODA What is it? Oh! [screams] MONGREL [evil laughter] MUSIC OUTSIDE BOX ROOM SOUND WHIP CRACK MONGREL [scream of agony] NATHALIA [ecstatic gasp, laugh!, sound of effort as she brings her arm back for another slice] SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER, CATCH HAND MONGREL [whimpering] GARTH [ugh as he stops her] Here, now, that's enough of that! NATHALIA Hmph. That one will be of no help! AMELIE We cannot merely stand 'ere in the corridor! Something will come! GRACE She's right. We should keep moving along. NATHALIA This one goes first. If he will not help us find the way, his only use is to find the traps before we do. SOUND CLUNK, BEHIND A DOOR GARTH Shh! There's something in that room up ahead! SOUND GRAPPLE MONGREL [whimper] NATHALIA Open the door, you beast! MONGREL [negatory noise] NATHALIA [intense whisper] You think I've hurt you already? You have felt nothing yet! GRACE Here, now - that's quite enough! NATHALIA Back off, limey! I have no wish to die! GARTH Ladies! AMELIE The only one 'oo wins, if we fight, is the monster 'oo put us 'ere! NATHALIA If this thing is not going to open the door, it certainly will not be me! GARTH [determined sigh] I'll open the door. You three, stand back. Keep an eye on him. NATHALIA [muttered] Teach your grandmother to suck eggs. SOUND DOORKNOB SLOWLY TURNS MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND ZIPPER HELGA [sobbing] LUIGI Get up. HELGA No. I will not. LUIGI You should be grateful I would even touch you - you sniveling thing. HELGA I have lost everything. My hand. My... dignity. And now this ... insult. LUIGI [nasty whisper] Think of it as a compliment. One last chance to feel like a woman. HELGA [hissed, angry] I might feel like a woman, if you felt anything like a man! LUIGI You bitch! SOUND SLAP HELGA [gasp] LUIGI I am your only chance to survive. Once we get out of here, you can go to hell! HELGA [fiery] You can go to hell right here! SOUND SHE RUNS OFF, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY LUIGI What? SOUND TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS, RUSTLE AS HIS PANTS FALL, HE TRIPS LUIGI [falling, ahhh! Oof!] HELGA [distant - laughter is cut off by a shrill scream, in turn cut off in mid-scream] SOUND HEAVY THUMP OF A BLADE, DISTANT LUIGI Biiiiitch! MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND DOOR OPENS GARTH It's dark. AMELIE Do not go in. I'll light something off one of these flames. GRACE What will burn well? GARTH I'll open the door the rest of the way, see what I can see-- urk! SOUND SCUFFLE! AMELIE Garth? GRACE Oh god! NATHALIA Bring it out into the light! SOUND STRUGGLE STOPS KLAUS [from within] Step back, ladies. We are coming out. GARTH [half strangled] Why I oughtta....! KLAUS Shh! This knife says you are now the quiet one. [up] I suggest you ladies all move over there. Unless you want your hero to have a very close shave. GRACE Nathalia! Come here! NATHALIA [angry noise] SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER, HER ANGRY FOOTSTEPS KLAUS Danke shoen. Let us be Civilized about this. GRACE Go on then. GARTH Civilized? Urk! GRACE [low and intense] Do not anger the man with the knife! KLAUS The ever practical britisher. Hah! I find myself without a companion. GRACE Susanne? AMELIE [gasp] NATHALIE Fiend! KLAUS [cold, tinged with anger] She was snatched from behind me by one of the minions. I turned and saw her pulled through a door, which I could not open. GRACE So, being practical, what are you doing here? NATHALIA Is it not obvious? He needs a new woman. KLAUS Ja. [wry] Have I a volunteer? Or must I resort to threats? AMELIE You are not going to kill 'im? KLAUS Not if one of you comes with me. We will walk down the hall, and he will accompany us as far as the intersection there. AMELIE Why should we trust you? KLAUS You have my word as a Prussian. GRACE And the others? KLAUS [matter of fact] Wait here. He will come back for you. He is such an honorable schoolboy. Is it a deal, my fine fellow? GARTH [gasping a bit] Only if the ladies agree. GRACE One of us will have to-- NATHALIA I will go. AMELIE What, you want to go with 'im? NATHALIA Perhaps I am this tired of boy scouts. Should I take my pet along with me? SOUND KICKS MONGREL [Urk] SOUND FLOPPY FALL GRACE Goodness, I think he's... dead! MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND TRICKLING, DRIPPING NOISES LUIGI Dios mio! Such a mess. Stupid woman! SOUND DOOR OPENS, DISTANT LUIGI Too bad-a this blade is too big to take with me. I am-a left with the same club of wood. No more blades up above? [considering noise, scanning the ceiling] No. nothing else a-looks tricky. SOUND CAREFUL STEPPING OVER, FOOTSTEP IN STICKY PUDDLE LUIGI [ech! Disgusted noise] SOUND DISTANT FOOTSTEPS, BOOTS SOUND LUIGI WALKS QUIETLY OFF, STICKY FOOT MUSIC HALLWAY, LADIES AMELIE What if 'ee does not return? GRACE He can't get out without one of us. He must come back. AMELIE [odd tone] But... 'ee can only leave with one of us. GRACE We'll sort that all out when we get that far. AMELIE [musing] Oui. We will. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS KLAUS There. Now, you must admit I have done you no more harm than I had to. GARTH [angry sigh] Yes. KLAUS And you swear you will count 20 before you move? GARTH Yes. NATHALIA [cold] I do not see why you should not kill him, eliminate the competition now. GARTH Nathalia! NATHALIA Garth, dear boy - you are adorable. But this is life and death, tovarisch. KLAUS [furious hiss] I have given my word, woman! NATHALIA [fierce, But backing down] Very well! GARTH You should get a move on. For all we know that eyetalian fellow is already on his way out the exit. MUSIC HALLWAY LUIGI MONGRELS WATCHING, ON THE LEFT, GENERAL CONVERSATION MONGREL [babbling] MONGREL2 [babbling, slightly higher voice] LUIGI [on right, whisper] Bastardos! SOUND ROCK SKIPS ACROSS FLOOR MONGRELS [gasp to a stop] SOUND WEAPONS COMING TO READY MONGRELS [shushing each other] LUIGI [whispered] Now for the bait. SOUND JUICY DRAG NOISE, FLOP LUIGI [whispered] Look at that a-shapely leg, boys. How can you resist? MONGRELS [murmur - excited - wolf whistle] LUIGI [high pitched gasp, mimicking a girl] SOUND STICKY FLOPPY NOISE, PULLS SEVERED LEG BACK MONGRELS [nasty chuckle] LUIGI Just a few... more... steps... MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND WALKING, TAPPING AHEAD WITH A STICK GRACE How will we know the exit when we find it? GARTH I guess, from what he said, I assumed it would be obvious. AMELIE Do not pester 'im. 'ee is doing the best 'ee can! [to Garth, warm] I trust you, completemente! GARTH [a little uncertain] Well. They went thataway, so I figure we should try this direction. GRACE Perhaps he knew something? GARTH I don't think so. AMELIE Whichever way you wish to go is fine. I am right behind you, [sexy] always. GARTH Come on, then. SOUND THEY TAP AND WALK OFF MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND SCUFFLE, SWOOSH, THUMP, CREAK OF LEATHER KLAUS [heavy breathing] That was too close! NATHALIA My God! That would have cut me in half! KLAUS You look much better in one piece. NATHALIA If we do not escape-- [leaves it hanging] KLAUS This doctor says we will be sealed in here. Do not worry. I will kill you quickly. And then find a way to end myself as well. NATHALIA Before you do that, we must find a place where we can ...enjoy one last minute together. KLAUS If it was only a minute, I would call it an insult to both of us. NATHALIA [ecstatic deep breath] KLAUS [Deep breath] [clipped, cold] But for now - Let us try still to win, before we plan to celebrate defeat. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND FIGHT! LUIGI [grunt] SOUND CRUNCH MONGREL [squeal, ends in gurgle, dies] LUIGI Hah! That's-a for you. SOUND BODY DROP SOUND SMACKS HANDS CLEAN SUSANNE [muffled gasp, behind wall] LUIGI Eh? SOUND SCUFFLE SUSANNE [sob] LUIGI Where are a-you? SUSANNE Who - who is it? LUIGI [low chuckle, then muttered, satisfied] It's-a someone who needs him a woman. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND WALKING APPROACHES, STOPS NATHALIA Borje-moi! Another dead end! KLAUS [furious!] Gott in Himmel! [deep hissed breath, calming himself] Pah! At least going this direction, we know where the traps are. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND DOOR GRINDS OPEN SUSANNA [hoarse shriek] No more! Please! LUIGI Come out of there. We need to move along! SUSANNA [whimper] You're not one of ...them? LUIGI I am one of-a me. And I need one of-a you. Come now, girl, or I will leave you to their mercies. SUSANNA Noo!!! LUIGI Come out! SUSANNA But I-- [whimpers, sniffles] They took my clothes! LUIGI You can-a walk naked, can't you? SUSANNA [cries] LUIGI Fine. I take-a you something from these-a dead fellows, eh? SUSANNA Just anything. Please. MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND TAPPING, OFF TO THE LEFT GRACE I know what you're about! AMELIE Whatever do you mean? GRACE This helpless act, and agreeing with everything poor Garth says. He won't be fooled. AMELIE I am fooling no one. I truly agree with 'im. Is it so bad that I wish to survive? GRACE I shan't play this game. AMELIE She 'oo does not play cannot 'ope to win! GARTH [coming in] Seems clear up ahead. Come on. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND WALKING KLAUS Shh! SOUND THEY STOP SOUND DISTANT DOOR OPENS KLAUS [whispered] stay close! SOUND QUIET STEPS KLAUS [whisper] This way. MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND WALKING GARTH [whispered] Big open room ahead. Stay right here, and keep an eye out behind, got it? AMELIE [fervent] Absolutment! GRACE [clipped, a bit sour] Yes. SOUND HIS FOOTSTEPS, THEN A GRATING NOISE GARTH A gate! Quick! Come on! AMELIE It's coming down too fast! GRACE Slide! SOUND GRATING STOPS GARTH [grunts - effort - holding up the gate] Come... On! Quick! Get under! GRACE Go! SOUND DISTANT MUTTER OF MONGRELS AMELIE They are coming! GRACE Move your shapely posterior! GARTH [lots of effort] Quickly! AMELIE [breathing heavily] Oh! Oh! I am clear! GRACE My turn, I think. GARTH HURRRRRRY! GRACE Oh! Something's grabbed my foot! AMELIE [quiet] oh no. GRACE Help me! Amelie! Ahh! GARTH [straining] I can't hold it much longer! AMELIE [dithering] Oh... [decides] Oui. Give me your 'ands! SOUND HANDS SLAP TOGETHER BOTH WOMEN STRAIN GRACE I'm loose! Quick, Pull!! AMELIE Uuuh! SOUND RIPPING OF FABRIC GARTH It's slipping! SOUND CLANG! PORTCULLIS DROPS GRACE Good god - If my feet were a size larger, I'd be lost. Amelie. Thank you. AMELIE [upset] pas du tout. It was nothing. CHNOSSOS True - I fear your heroics were for nothing, mademoiselle. AMELIE [gasp] GARTH What are you talking about? CHNOSSOS You are too late. SOUND GRATING ACROSS THE ROOM, SCUFFLE AS KLAUS AND NATHALIA ENTER GARTH Too late? Too late for what? CHNOSSOS The Italian. He has found the exit. And even though his female was.... damaged goods... I never specified they had to make it out in pristine condition. KLAUS And now what is to happen? CHNOSSOS I have what I wanted. You are ...expendable. SOUND SPEAKING TUBE BEING CLOSED KLAUS That door - Is that the exit? Do you know? GARTH I guess I thought it was. SOUND DOORS OPENING, ALL AROUND SOUND FEET ENTER MONGRELS [many] [laughing evilly] KLAUS There must be dozens of them! GARTH Quick! Circle up! Face outward. NATHALIA No mercy! SOUND WHIP! GRACE Amelie, Come on! MUSIC THE WINNER SOUND MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHAMPAGNE POURS LUIGI So. What-a is it that I win? SOUND MACHINE WHIRS, ENTERING CHNOSSOS [not on speakers] You are the perfect male specimen. LUIGI I coulda told you that from-a the beginning. CHNOSSOS You are lucky I was only looking for physical specimens. Morally, I fear you are ... flawed. LUIGI [shrug] You never asked for morals. You don't-a seem like the type. CHNOSSOS No. I have never been overburdened with morals. Scientists can't afford such luxuries. LUIGI [scoffing] Scientist? A dried up old-a walnut of a fellow like-a you? CHNOSSOS You should be more polite to your host. LUIGI I think-a we are past that. So? What do I win? CHNOSSOS Have some more champagne and I will tell you everything. MUSIC STILL IN THE MAZE BACK TO OUTER ROOM SOUND FIGHT HAS ENDED. HEAVY BREATHING ALL ROUND MONGREL [groan] KLAUS [grunt as he stabs the man] GARTH That looks like the last one moving. Everyone okay? GRACE I think Amelie is hurt. Her thigh. AMELIE It's just a scratch. GRACE Why don't you see if you can get the door open? I'll see to this. NATHALIA I will watch for any other ... enemies. KLAUS So, [wry, but with humor] my fellow loser, do we go and take our prizes? GARTH That sounds jake to me! Let's get that door open! MUSIC INSIDE DOC'S LAIR SOUND DOOR CRASHES OPEN CHNOSSOS [on speakertube] So, you have managed to escape! KLAUS Ja. CHNOSSOS You are too late! GARTH All we want to do is get the heck out of here, doc! You try and stop us, and we'll give you what for! NATHALIA We are not going to find and kill this beast? SOUND LIMPING UP BEHIND AMELIE [whimpers, gasps] GRACE We simply do not have that luxury. It is more important to get ourselves clear. [to Amelie] Come along. KLAUS [to doc] I doubt that there is one of us who would want any prize that came from the likes of you! GARTH [to doc] Just you stay out of our way! You hear? CHNOSSOS Go on. Leave. I have no need for any of you. MUSIC BOAT SOUND OCEAN SOUND CREAK OF BOAT SOUND FEET APPROACH GARTH All clear. And there's even some food in the galley. KLAUS Get the ladies on board. GARTH Are you thinking what I'm thinking? KLAUS That leaving this ... villain... to roam at large is somehow dishonorable? GARTH I just wanted to whup his fanny, but that sounds real reasonable. NATHALIA [breathless, worried] You're not going back in there? KLAUS Ja. And I am coming back out. [quiet, intense] You are fierce. That will give me the inspiration to return. NATHALIA [gasp] GARTH Hey. GRACE Yes? GARTH Is she... is she doing okay? GRACE [resigned] She'll survive. Thanks to you. Now go on. Make the world safe for all of us. GARTH Right. Come on, Klaus. MUSIC AMBIANCE DOC'S LAIR SOUND DOOR BROKEN IN SOUND JUICY PLOPPY CUTTING NOISES GARTH and KLAUS [react as they stumble in] CHNOSSOS No! Stay away! I am not finished! GARTH Holy Cow! KLAUS Mein Gott! CHNOSSOS You will not take away my perfect specimen! GARTH I don't want it. KLAUS But you, old man, must be stopped. CHNOSSOS Nooooo- Urk! MUSIC OUTSIDE SOUND TWO MEN WALK BACK TO THE BOAT SOUND BEHIND THEM THE PLACE BURN KLAUS Mein gott. That could have been either one of us. GARTH We can't tell none of them girls what we saw in there. KLAUS There is no reason they should need to know. GARTH Good. You and me, Klaus old buddy, are the only ones who will ever know what the winner of this damned game was gonna get. KLAUS ...Skinned and mounted as a trophy. END CREDITS
While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill: John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid. ********************************************************************** Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 5 FANSHAW Lem! Everyone's gathering! It looks a bit of a party. LEM What's them Swedes a-doin? FANSHAW They're standing by. Like a menacing wall of blonde. LEM [laugh, then coughs] FANSHAW Are you quite sure you're up for this? The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse. LEM Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there? MRS. DOC [behind door] You all right in there? May I come in? LEM [up] Yes ma'am. SOUND DOOR OPENS, SHE ENTERS LEM Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers. MRS. DOC That sounds wise. You've already done wonders. But I have a favor--? LEM Anythin' ma'am. MRS. DOC [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh-- LEM Go on? MRS. DOC To fix my window, there? They are the ones that broke it. LEM I already planned on jest that, ma'am. Donchoo worry. MRS. DOC Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel. LEM Oh, no ma'am. Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit] MRS. DOC Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out. They can just hold their hosses. FANSHAW I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come. FADE SOUND OUTSIDE FANSHAW [sigh] Still out of sight. Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady. EZRA Are they gonna fight? FANSHAW [definite] No. My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks. EZRA It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it? FANSHAW No. Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we? EZRA Is that the lady, in the cart? With the big hat and veil? FANSHAW I would assume so. A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities. EZRA Why'ud a lady wear a veil? Is she really ugly? FANSHAW I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun. EZRA Ain't much sun under all these trees. FANSHAW And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage. No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see. [pause] I need to let Lem know what all is going on. I'll be back shortly. SOUND SHOUTS FANSHAW What? EZRA Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight! FANSHAW They weren't supposed to! Blast! That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart! MRS. BEAMISH [screams] Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine! FANSHAW Not much of a lady. And nothing much we can do here. EZRA Oh, lookee! That feller got punched right off the cart! SOUND GRUNTS FANSHAW I need to go and tell Lem. Would you stay with them and see where they go? EZRA [eager] That would help ya? FANSHAW It would be very helpful. EZRA I'm your man. [distracted] Oh goodness! That fellow slammed into the tree! That's gotta smart something fierce! FADE LEM They here yet? DOC No. It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet. FANSHAW Lem! Ambush! LEM [quiet] Aw hell. DOC What? LEM [sigh, considering best way to say] I think I ...heard something. DOC [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts. The way you keep hearing things. LEM [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range. Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get. DOC I reckon so. LEM And with the window broken, sound can get in more. DOC What is it you heard? LEM Fighting. Or leastways a yell. Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind. DOC You think there's still trouble? LEM I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon. DOC Dag nabbit. SOUND STORMS OUT OF ROOM FADE SOUND OUTSIDE SOUND SOMEONE RUNS UP OLY Vad är det? [What is it?] KJELL [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!] OLY [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?] KJELL [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka. [We ... took the woman back.] SVEN Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för! [Good! Now we have what we paid for!] OLY Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot! Now there will be war!] FADE FITCH What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?] SCABBY BILL 'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout. The lads--] PIKEY Clack on't devil! Eyup Jimmy! [speak of the devil.] SOUND RUNNING FEET JAMES [gasping and in some pain] Eyup! Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked! Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!] FINCH Good night! Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn! Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.] JAMES Canna settle now! Yon 'eads want thumpin'! Paid in full. [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads! They deserve it!] FINCH Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good] PIKEY [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad. Tha path's neither nowt nor summat. Time fer muckin out. Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them. [no, lad. Your way is doing no good. Time to clean this up. There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.] SCABBY BILL Tha's the pot! Us'm tek'er first! [You're one to talk! We took her first] PIKEY [making his point] S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.] MINERS [mutters] "s'truth." "Ba gum." "It gets right up ma cuff." "'Arsh, that." "Toes up o'er grub? Nae!" JAMES Us'll clean them clocks! [we won't lose!] PIKEY Ne'er seen clock tha could clean. DOC [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN! ALL GO QUIET DOC Bother. That's about all I got. FADE LEM This's how wars get lit. FANSHAW Who is this woman anyway? Helen of Troy? LEM Was she on the stage or sumpin? FANSHAW [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun. LEM Ain't no war great and glorious. Not till everyone as been there's long dead. FANSHAW Oh. LEM How'd they end that war? FANSHAW [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse. LEM [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us. [groans, getting up] SOUND RUSTLING OF CLOTHES, ETC. FANSHAW Don't--! LEM Ain't no choice here. Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me. Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch. SOUND DOOR OPENS FANSHAW Speak of the devil! DOC Here now! What are you doing, Mister roberts? LEM I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once. DOC You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening? LEM I gotta right good guess. Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her. DOC I think so. LEM Hitch up the cart. We're gonna mosey to the logging camp. FADE SOUND OUTSIDE LARS [commanding] Du! Kock! [You! "cook"] MRS. BEAMISH [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead! LARS Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld. [you came here to cook for us. You owe a debt.] MRS. BEAMISH Gah-on. Say somfing in normal talk. Ah dare ya. LARS [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?] ARN Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.] FREDEK Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.] NELS Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire. EZRA Why's that, Mr. Nels? NELS You! Can you do something? EZRA What should I do? NELS Get that woman over here. The one that was calling out. EZRA Who? Oh! [laughs] That's no woman! That's Mr. Fanshaw. NELS Well, he sounds like one to me. Is there anything he can do? FADE DOC Brought the wagon round. Come on then, lemme give you a hand. LEM You kin carry my kit, if you would. DOC You need support-- LEM [definite] No. Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can. And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that. DOC I'll be right behind you, then. Just in case. SOUND FOOTSTEPS MRS. DOC [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give. DOC Irene? MRS. DOC Not from you, dear. Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir? DOC Irene! MRS. DOC I've already got my hat on, husband. We might as well get moving. DOC What exactly do you think you are doing, woman? MRS. DOC [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride. LEM [tries not to laugh] DOC I forbid it! MRS. DOC [sweetly] Oh, of course, dear! If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add. Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten-- DOC [losing steam] Oh hush!! LEM The lady has a point, doc. Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us. MRS. DOC Good. Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake! You're swaying like a sapling. FADE EZRA Mr. Fanshaw! [laughs] Nels says you sound like a lady. FANSHAW It is just my accent. The way I talk. EZRA You do talk funny. FANSHAW Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce? EZRA What is that? FANSHAW When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag. EZRA Where do they get a white flag? FANSHAW They just make one. Please. It is important that we know. FADE SOUND OUTSIDE SOUND SCUFFLE MINERS [Arguing] "More brass'n brains" "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans" "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I." SWEDES [arguing] SOUND FOOTSTEPS LEM [sigh] Shut up! SOUND STILL FIGHTING LEM Pardon me ma'am. Step aside if you please. SOUND HER STEPS SOUND GUNSHOT ALL [go quiet] SOUND SOMETHING DROPS Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 6 1_MOVING OUT LEM You miners. You... uh... manskers. Um. [slowly, with gestures] We go in cart to your-- OLY Mig? LEM Yes, your camp. You lead us. SCABBY BILL [slightly out of breath] Right. Nowt wait aught mair. Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt. LEM We's all a-goin. [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am. MRS. DOC [a bit shaky] All right. DOC [quiet] Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad. LEM They's all still on their feet. OLY [slowly, trying to be understood] detta var inte min idé. Inte jag. Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea. Not me. I will speak sternly to them.] LEM You lead. [turns to Scabby Bill] You follow. Reckon? SCABBY BILL Reckon. FADE 2_GRADY1 SOUND SOMEONE RUNNING IN PANIC GRADY [gasping muttered mantra] Don't slow down, don't slow down. A log! Oh sweet Jesus! SOUND THUMP, SCRAMBLE, SLOW MOVEMENT SOUND BEHIND HIM, MEN MAN1 Keep heading downhill! MAN2 Brush too thick over there! This way! GRADY [barely there prayer] Pity me! [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion] SOUND RUNNING AGAIN FADE 3_AGREEING SOUND CART PLODDING DOC [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene. MRS. DOC I cannot disagree. DOC You should never've - what? MRS. DOC [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband. LEM [quiet chuckle] DOC [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs] My mother always said you would be a handful. MRS. DOC I believe mine said something very similar. DOC About me? MRS. DOC [laughing] No, about me. LEM If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller. DOC I cannot disagree. LEM Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am. ALL [laugh] FADE 4_LOGGING CAMP FREDEK Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!] LARS Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!] FREDEK Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!] ARN Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.] LARS Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.] ARN Han ser arg. [He looks angry.] FREDEK De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.] NELS Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble. OLY [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you! Stand aside!] NELS And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down. LARS [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?] OLY [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot! We were in accord. Then you interfered! You stand aside!] FADE 5_CHUCKIE JAMES Tha gormless bastard! Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot. Even with the guns, we could win.] PIKEY And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing. Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother. What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?] TED [sigh] And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere. [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.] FITCH I dinna feel fer the fight. Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure. [I don't feel like fighting. That fellow - he seems fair.] PIKEY Cud gang fer a slurp missen. [This would be a good time for a drink.] FADE 6_GRADY2 SOUND RUNNING MAN1 and MAN2 [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!" "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"] GRADY [gasping and ragged] Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river. Anything. [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away... FADE 7_CART SOUND HORSES. CART NOT MOVING. DOC [whispered] Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart. MRS. DOC As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband. DOC [rueful laugh] Hah. Good. SOUND HE CLIMBS DOWN MRS. DOC I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun. DOC The what? LEM I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am. MRS. DOC Happy to be useful. [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace. FADE 8_OLY KOMMER FREDEK Oly! De kommer! [Oly! They are coming!] OLY Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid. They are already here.] FREDEK Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men! Behind the ridge!] NELS Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men. EZRA More fighting? FANSHAW And this must be Nels. NELS And you must be from England. FANSHAW Why, yes. Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there. NELS Nay. You sound like most Britishers. FANSHAW I suppose I do. NELS Just like a woman. FANSHAW I do not! EZRA You do a bit. FANSHAW [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men? NELS Sure, over the ridge. Quite a ways off. I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot. FANSHAW We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here. EZRA Mister Fanshaw? NELS All of my men are here. Even those with a head full of porridge. FANSHAW That's a blessing anyway. EZRA Mister Fanshaw! FANSHAW I am so sorry, Ezra. I was lost in thought. EZRA You want I should go and look at the men a-coming? FANSHAW They sound like they're rather far off. EZRA I can go real far off. FANSHAW [interested] Really. Very well. You'll go and see how many there are? EZRA I'll find out everything for ya. FANSHAW I wonder just how far "real far" is. FADE 9_teh dam SOUND CROWD RUMBLE, BUT NO TALKING SOUND LEM'S SLOW FOOTSTEPS LEM Um, [to Oly] Dam? OLY Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!] LARS [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help] OLY Go! [Go!] NELS If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words? FANSHAW Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late. NELS Ya. SOUND DOOR OPENS, LARS AND MRS. BEAMISH COME OUT FANSHAW This? This is the woman all the trouble has been over? She's ...hardly what I expected. LEM Ma'am. They's been quite a ruckus over you. BEAMISH Oh, Luvly. Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English. LEM I guess I speak American, then. But I hazard you understand me fine. BEAMISH [begrudging] I kin mike yer out. LEM That's good. Now these fellers, they have some claim to you? NELS Sure, she owes us five years service. BEAMISH [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do. LEM Five years. Legal. BEAMISH [annoyed sigh] Aye. DOC [whispered] How'd you get that? LEM [whispered] Guessed. Standard indenture. DOC Ah! BEAMISH [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em! FANSHAW I say, Nels, you paid for that? Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old. NELS What do you expect in a cook? Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat. FANSHAW A cook! Good gad! LEM But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to? BEAMISH Good plain cooking. Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold. DOC Cooking? They're willing to fight over a cook? LEM I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch. DOC Well... MRS. DOC [calling from off, excited] Husband? LEM Go on. DOC [walking off] Yes, dear? FADE 10_grady hides SOUND MEN SLOWLY SEARCHING SOUND BREATHING, IN A TIGHT SPACE GRADY [trying to quiet his breathing] EZRA That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella. You must be a bad man. GRADY [whispered] Someone up there, please help me! MAN1 I think I heard something! FADE 11_shares LEM [whispered, to fanshaw] Ask Nels the word for "share". FANSHAW You're thinking to split the baby again. LEM Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple. DOC Lem? We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss. LEM Do tell. DOC Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it? BEAMISH Beamish. Aye. DOC My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us. BEAMISH Where's 'at, then? DOC Our house. It's rather in the middle of all this. BEAMISH Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse. Not them shanties. DOC [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all] You stay our house-- SOUND [rumble of muttering on both sides] DOC Cook. Cook a lot. BEAMISH I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick. DOC They are the ones who need to agree. BEAMISH Go'ahn then. DOC [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You. Eat. LEM [quiet] Eat? Nels? NELS [Eat] ata LEM Thankee. [up, to doc] "ata" DOC Oh? All right. You. Come to house. "ata". LARS [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.] NELS Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either. He has a wife to cook for him. OLY Nej, säger han vi äter, också. Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also. I think.] FANSHAW No, no. He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace. No more fighting. NELS Tell them ["You eat too"] du äter för. FANSHAW Lem? Did you-- LEM Doo ah-ter fore. OLY Ya. Mycket bra. [Yes. very good] LEM And you all? PIKEY Nae more tae eat bab out Bill? [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest. [No more eating the shit Bill cooks? I don't care where she stays.] TED 'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!] JAMES Eh, by gum. SCABBY BILL Ere, now! PIKEY Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt. [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.] LEM Good. DOC Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even-- SOUND GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM Damn! ALL [reactions! Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!" EZRA Mister Fanshaw? I think they's heading this way. Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 7 MUSIC SCENE 1. AMB OUTSIDE LEM [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n. DOC But I can help-- LEM [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety. If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle. SOUND GUNSHOTS, DISTANT MRS. DOC [off, a bit worried] Husband? LEM Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk. We got some rough work ahead of us. MRS. BEAMISH Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place. SOUND SHE WALKS TO WAGON DOC [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us. LEM And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles] I'll stay still as I can. But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other. Go on now. [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack? I might find myself in need of a few more shells. MRS. DOC Here you go. [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear? My husband put a lot of work into you. DOC [amused but still worried] You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be. LEM I reckon I do. DOC [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun. LEM Preciate it. SOUND DOC WALKS OFF SCENE 2. LEM [slight groan] Quickly - You, Bill. You, Oly. SCABBY BILL Right. OLY Ja? SOUND SCRATCHING IN THE DIRT LEM [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things] Sun. There. Hill. There. Ja? OLY Ja. Bäck. Ge. [stream. Give.] LEM Take it. SOUND MORE SCRATCHING SCABBY BILL Thass river? OLY Bäck. [stream] LEM Close enough I think. Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside? They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin. SCABBY BILL Us'm? LEM Course, it ain't yer fight, but-- SCABBY BILL Nay problem, lad. Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook. [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy. LEM All righty then, sounds like yer all in. Go on. Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em. SCABBY BILL Why them tea party manners? LEM In case they ain't the villians here. SCABBY BILL Ah. Right. We're bahn. SOUND WALKS OFF SCABBY BILL [off, calling] Ayup lads! There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn! LEM Now for the tricky one. OLY Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way. Around the other side. And attack from ambush?] NELS He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well? LEM [startled laugh] Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet. OLY vad är det? [What is that?] LEM Later. After dust settles. NELS Tell him "senare" [Later] LEM Senare OLY Ja. Bakhåll? Ja? [Ambush] NELS [translating] Attack from behind. LEM Ya. Go on. OLY [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men! Time to beat some heads!] LEM [heavy sigh, slight groan] FANSHAW Lem? LEM [quiet] I'm alright. I'm alright. Just tuckered out. Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints. Think this will end it once and fer all. FANSHAW I certainly hope so. LONG MUSIC SCENE 3. AMB NIGHT, CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet. Then we heard them. Arn hid behind a tree. Lars was beneath a fallen log.] ARN Hah! Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah! Good to be short, eh, Lars?] LARS Bah! SWEDES [general laughter] OLY Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra. Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming! A tall one in a hat and two others. Ugly. Cruel looking. They move slowly, looking for something--] MUSIC WIPE ACROSS THE SOUNDSCAPE SCENE 4. AMB CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SCABBY BILL Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee. PIKEY [bragging] Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest. Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest. And no one ever looks up] SCABBY BILL Aye, lad. Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that. No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.] MINERS [general laughter] PIKEY [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay. Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!] MINERS [more laughter] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 5. AMB CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree. I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.] ARN Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!] SWEDES [general laughter] OLY Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me. Then pointed past the men. Then he raised two hands of fingers. Many men were coming!] FANSHAW It sounds like a fascinating story. I wish I could understand a word of it. NELS He was saying that the noisy fellow-- FANSHAW Aren't they all rather noisy? NELS [laughs] THAT one - got above. High up. Counted the men coming behind. Showed him fingers for the count. FANSHAW Accord without a single word. Lovely. MUSIC WIPE SCENE 6. AMB CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT FITCH Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh! Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow. I think he's been alone too long.] SOUND SLIGHT SCUFFLE - FRIENDLY SMACK PIKEY Dinna fash. Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad. Smack afore yows and kine. Past that, mayhaps Swede. Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise] [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows. I have never been fond of blondes.] FITCH [teasing] Ooh-ah. Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack. [Bathe. Then we'll talk.] MINERS [general laughter] SCABBY BILL Right. 'oo's keeping a tally? [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right. Someone make a list of things we need for the camp. Start with some loose women.] MINERS [hysterical laughter] MUSIC SCENE 7. AMB CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking. Maybe for a person. Maybe for an animal. Something that could hide itself. We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.] LARS Jag var längst. När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt. [hit noise] [I was furthest. When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.] SWEDES [approving mumble] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 8. AMB CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SOUND WAGON SLOWLY MOVING IN FROM A DISTANCE PIKEY Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind. I knew we'd never want to lag behind.] SCABBY BILL No. So... Pikey made t' shrill-- SOUND SHARP WHISTLE SCABBY BILL [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug! [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear! And we attacked] FITCH Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side! And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale. [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left. They broke like lose rock.] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 9. AMB LEFT CAMPFIRE OLY Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell. Struck down by our brave hands. Or our friends' hands. [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD! SCABBY BILL [off] I hears that! [yelling back] Ayup lads? ALL GOOD! SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud] ALL GOOD! DOC [off] Ho there! Sounds like it's safe to approach? MUSIC SCENE 10. AMB INSIDE SOUND [OUTSIDE] THE MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING FANSHAW Lem? LEM [rousing from half sleep] Yup? Sounds like peace at last. FANSHAW And the doctor just arrived. [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely- LEM Biscuits? [chuckles] FANSHAW [chuckles too] He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure. [beat] The men - both factions - were rather impressive. Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well. LEM Who was it they's up against? FANSHAW Looks like outlaws. Chasing a fugitive. LEM And the feller they'us after? FANSHAW [sigh] He was already ... done for. Gone. LEM [sigh] The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now. DOC [outside] Mister Roberts? LEM [a bit weaker] In here! LONG MUSIC SCENE 11. AMB DOC'S HOUSE DOC I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts. MRS. DOC [from off] Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither. LEM I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth. DOC Good. MUSIC SCENE 12. AMB DOC'S HOUSE LEM Alone? FANSHAW They're all in the kitchen, yes. From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement. They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse. Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of. The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes. LEM Cain't say that I blame her. Catch me up a bit? FANSHAW They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals. They've all become the best of chums. And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit. LEM One more victory for-- FANSHAW Civilization? LEM [down] I was gonna say salvation. Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here. FANSHAW I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of. LEM Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own. FANSHAW Well. When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws. LEM Where ARE they, anyway? FANSHAW Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing. Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days. LEM Mm. Good. FANSHAW But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach. It's very frustrating. Ezra, though... LEM Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about? How come I ain't seen him, never? FANSHAW I don't know. He's a child. A spirit. Who prefers to think of himself an angel. I rather think he's been here quite a long time. And Lem... LEM Yup? FANSHAW I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on. But there's this--- LEM Spit it out and let's see what color it is. FANSHAW Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley. That is rather a long distance. He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by. I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why. Before I help him find his way onward. LEM Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?
While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill: John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid. ********************************************************************** Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 1 (from end of previous story) SOUND FADES IN AND OUT [Lem has been shot] COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR [to Lem] Bite down on this. [slightly off, urgent, but not loud] He's lost a lot of blood! FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them. You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT MRS. DOC Just a little bit of broth, mister. You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet] Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM Good. [groan] I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages. Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say. I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Cain't leave you to do everythin. Scotty? FANSHAW When they returned with his body, I saw no sign of him. LEM Good. FANSHAW I sincerely hope so. [awkward pause, then stiffly] Should I ...go? LEM Go? go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace. To rest. I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit] Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied] Good. FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got sumpin on yer mind. FANSHAW Oh. LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath] Yes. LEM [exasperated snort] Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW Yes. LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW [shock] So she did--? LEM [shrug] Yup. So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW I... don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants. FANSHAW What? SOUND GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM [straining to get up] Oh hell. Where's my britches? FANSHAW Before you do yourself some harm trying to get up, I'll gather up my shame and go have a look. LEM [lies back with a groan] SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND ANOTHER GUNSHOT SOUND DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC Oh! You are awake. I thought I heard your voice! LEM I was just thinking out loud, ma'am - uh - you don't seem real worried? About the gunshots? MRS. DOC [unconcerned] Oh, that. My husband just had to run off a couple of unwanted patients. LEM [baffled] Ma'am? MRS. DOC Oh, my stars! You won't even remember! You were shot, and back in town, you were throwing five fits and comin all over feverish, so Mister Brand, that's my husband - [pride] Doctor Brand, that is - he brought you out here with us. LEM Out... here? MRS. DOC Doctor Brand is the only medical man for three counties! Leastways, the only one that doctors people. So we get around time to time, and much as he didn't want to move you, he also didn't want to leave you in anyone else's care, poorly as you were. So we brought you along, and the move seems to have done you right good. You slept peaceful ever since we got here. LEM Ah. You help me to remember to thank him for his concern, would you, ma'am? MRS. DOC [beaming] I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to hear that you're able to thank him. LEM And the gunshots--? MRS. DOC [rueful] Well, you see, the local fellows are having an ..."altercation", and Doctor Brand has refused to aid either side, even if they're near dying, until they patch it up. LEM Altercation? MRS. DOC I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself. You don't need any such concern right now. What you do need is a good solid cup of broth, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. LEM You're too kind. SOUND SHE BUSTLES OUT, DOOR SHUTS LEM [sigh] Yeah? FANSAW The good lady is correct. You really don't need this concern right now. LEM [annoyed] It'll fret me more knowin there's sumpin to be concerned about and not bein told what it tis. FANSAW [slight chuckle] It will, won't it? Very well, but you lie back down while I regale you. LEM [grunt, pause] Right, then. Go on with the regalin'. FANSAW Two men had a third, bleeding from a head wound, but ambulatory - um, up and walking. They were yelling at the doctor, but I couldn't make out anything. They didn't seem to be speaking-- SOUND DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC Here you go. Been reducing for three days - that'll put some strength back into you. LEM Smells right fine. But that's an awful small cup, ma'am, if you don't mind me sayin, for a pow'rful hunger like I got. MRS. DOC [tsks] First we see if you can keep it down, Mister... [uncertain] oh.... LEM Roberts. MRS. DOC Roberts. Of course. I'm such a scatterbrain. LEM Cain't take offense til we're properly introduced, nohow, ma'am. MRS. DOC You're too kind. DOC [calling, off] Irene? Missus? MRS. DOC Ah, looks like the doctor's got everything handled. FANSHAW The gunshots were all on the doctor's side, I might add. MRS. DOC [up, sweetly] I'm in the back bedroom! [back to Lem] Now you sip a bit, if it's not yet too hot. LEM [sips] Mm. A mite. But I can use some warming. SOUND FOOTSTEPS COME IN DOC Ah! Well, this is just the sort of good news I needed. [to wife] I've been having more trouble with those fellows. MRS. DOC They don't mean no harm! DOC To us, no. To each other, though...! LEM What's this trouble yer havin', doc? DOC Nothing you need worry on. Not yet, leastways. LEM But I can-- DOC Tomorrow. If you're still improving, I'll tell you everything over breakfast. For now, you need yer rest. LEM Can we speak, man to man, sir? MRS. DOC Goodness, I think I'd best go and check on the biscuits. DOC You do that. SOUND SHE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS DOC She does make some fair biscuits. [teasing] And she doesn't listen in. FANSHAW Should I leave? LEM No. [smooth] I reckon a doctor's wife should oughtta be used to checking on her biscuits. DOC [laughs] You seem to be doing pretty well, for a man shot and come through fever. That's excellent. You keep on with that broth, though. Ain't out of the woods jest yet. LEM It's the fever I wanna ask about. Your good wife let slip that I was a mite... FANSHAW Garralous? LEM hmph. ...rambly? DOC You kept going on about hearing folks talking to you, even in an empty room. LEM "Folks." Ah. DOC Funny thing is, you even named them from time to time, and I swear not a one of them was someone who coulda been there. LEM [careful] Whyzzat? DOC The one or two I recognized your naming of - well, they're ... "passed on". LEM I - I musta heard the names somewhere. DOC Can I speak frankly with you, sir? And you let me know if this is the least bit upsetting to your digestion, you hear? LEM Ayup. DOC Well, then. I'm purt near sure I know why you were calling out to dead folks. LEM You...do? DOC Seen it before - more'n once, even. FANSHAW Really? DOC You ain't alone, son. LEM [unsure] I'm... not? DOC Many's the fellow standing at death's door - and you were right close there for a while - that hears spirits try and call him through. LEM Ahhh. FANSHAW Really, they were being rather annoying. LEM [slight snort] Did I ... say anything that might be important? DOC I didn't hear, but I can ask my wife. She sat in the wagon with you when we made the trip - she told you we'd moved you? LEM She mentioned that you didn't feel right leaving me behind. DOC The trip seems to have done you good, too. Fever broke while we were on route. Quieted you right down. FANSHAW And there are less spirits here than in town. At least not around the house. None to harass you. LEM And where are we now, then? DOC I should really call a halt to all this inquiry, and let you sleep. LEM I promise I won't ask one more thing, if'n you'll kindly tell me where I am. DOC We're ten miles and a county line away from where we were. Near the town of Silt Creek. LEM Miners? DOC [smiling] Now now, you promised no more questions. Can you finish the last of that? LEM [slurps the broth down] DOC Good. If you're still awake in an hour, I'll see that you get some more. But do try and sleep. SOUND LEAVES THE ROOM FANSHAW They seem a nice couple. LEM Tell me more about what was going on out there. FANSHAW Lem, You're hardly in any condition-- LEM I'm gonna be gettin enough coddlin from the likes of them. Stop actin like an old woman and-- FANSHAW Very well. When I went out there, the three men were standing on the road leading up to the house. The doctor had a shotgun aimed at them. They were saying something, but I couldn't make it out-- LEM Were they strapped? FANSHAW I saw no guns, but they-- SOUND TAP, SCRATCH AT THE WINDOW FANSHAW I'll see. [pause] I'm not certain, but I think it's one of them! LEM [hushed] How many out there? FANSHAW Two. They're trying to get the window open! SOUND CREAK, RUSTLE OF BEDCLOTHES LEM [groan as he gets up] Where the devil are my guns? END EPISODE 2 SOUND FABRIC BEING SHOVED AROUND LEM [quiet] Dammit! FANSHAW Lem, they are trying to leever open the window. If there ever was a time to call for the doctor and his shotgun, this would be it! LEM I don't-- SOUND CREAK, CRACK OF WOOD LEM Ah hell. [up] Doc! Bring your gun! Doc? SOUND SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS OUTSIDE SOUND GLASS BREAKS OLY [You got it?] [du fick den?] SVEN [I got it. Quick, get inside!] [Jag har det. Snabbt, gå in.] LEM What the hell kinda talk is that? FANSHAW Something Nordic, perhaps? I am hardly an expert! LEM And where's the Doc? FANSHAW That I can check on. SOUND THUMP AS MAN CLAMBERS INTO THE ROOM LEM Stop right there! OLY [keep quiet and do not move!] [hålla tyst och inte röra mig!] SVEN [outside] [is everything all right?] [Är allt okej?] OLY [Someone is in here. I can handle it.] [Någon här inne. Jag kan hantera det.] MRS. DOC [off - scream, more surprise than fear/pain] LEM Dammit! Where's my blasted guns? OLY [Hold your tongue!] [håll din tunga] SOUND FANSHAW COMES IN FANSHAW [agitated] Lem, they have broken in from the front as well, and are holding the lady. The Doctor has given up his weapon. OLY [barks orders to those outside] [go around front. Leave Borr and Fredek to watch.] [går runt framsidan. Lämna Borr och Fredek att titta på.] LEM [side of mouth] What they threatenin' to do? FANSHAW I don't know... but I don't think they do either. OLY [shut up!] [Håll käften!] FANSHAW He's gesturing for you to remain quiet. If necessary, it's one rap for yes, two for no, agreed? SOUND ONE QUIET RAP SVEN [outside, question] [you want the axe?] [Vill du ha yxan?] OLY [annoyed] [go around and come in through the front!] [gå runt och komma in genom fronten!] FANSHAW I say Lem, I should like to go back and make sure there's no-- SOUND ONE RAP FANSHAW Right, then. SOUND FANSHAW EXITS OLY [Get up now and come with me] [Stig upp nu, och kom med mig.] LEM [slowly] I don't understand. OLY [slowly] [YOU get up and come with me] [Du får upp och komma med mig] LEM Come with? I been shot. Weak. Cain't walk. OLY [shouting] [Get up!] [Upp med dig!] LEM [muttered, resigned] All right then. SOUND BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE, SLOW FOOTSTEP, COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR LEM [moans] Dammit. FADE MRS. DOC [weeping] DOC Let me go to my wife! BJORN [angry words] [just stay right there. No fast moves!] [Stanna där. Inga snabba rörelser!] DOC [trying to be calm, but speaking from across the room] Lydia, be brave. We'll get this all sorted out. BJORN [warning noise] FANSHAW At least there's nothing unseemly going on. That would simply be too much. If only Lem had his guns. There's no more that six of them, large as they are. And not one seems to have a firearm. OLY [Someone come and carry this fool.] [Någon kom och bära denna idiot.] AKE [question] [Should I go?] [Ska jag gå?] BJORN [go!] [Go!] SOUND ARNOT RUNS OFF DOWN THE HALL. BJORN [barks orders] [tie them up!] [Binned upp dem!] SOUND CHAIRS PULLED OVER, CREAK OF ROPES MRS. DOC [gaspy shriek] DOC There ain't no call for this! How dare you lay hands on a lady! BJORN Shh! FANSHAW Well. That anyone can understand. FADE LEM [muttered] I never thought Swedes were this ornery. Only ones I ever met were right peaceable. FANSHAW I think it's - well, it isn't "all right", but I do think they're only doing this to get help. LEM eh? FANSHAW The loudest one out front was shoving the doctor at a wounded man. SOUND AKE WALKS IN OLY [help me move him] [Hjälp mig att flytta honom!] OLY and AKE [Grunts as they move Lem] LEM [sharp hiss, trying not to cry out from pain] Fanshaw Be prepared. They have the doctor's lady tied to a chair, to enforce his aid. Lem Damn. AKE [laughs] [he knows one word!] [Han vet ett ord!] OLY [shush] [tyst] FADE Doc [speaking looud and slow] stitches. He needs stitches. I will have to sew that gash on his head. SWEDES [muttering] Doc [normal speed] untie my hands and I'll show you, you blasted idjets! Mrs. Doc [calmer, but a little hoarse from cying] Too bad we lost Nels last month. SVEN Nels? Doc If Nels weren't dead, everything would be easier. SVEN [angry] [Vad är det du säger om Nels?] Doc Nels. Yes. He was a good man. SOUND MEN SHUFFLING IN CARRYING LEM Lem [wincing in pain] Who's this Nels? Sven [angry] [You shut up about Nels!] [Du hålla käften om Nels!] OLY [Be quiet. If nels was here, there would be no problem. You know that.] [Var tyst. Om kanaler var här, skulle det inte vara något problem. Du vet att.] FANSHAW [speculative] Sounds like Nels is ...dead? Hmm. LEM [quiet] Go on then. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND SETTING LEM DOWN IN CHAIR AKE [Should we tie him up?] [ska vi binda upp honom?] OLY [He cannot even stand. Leave him.] [Han kan inte ens stå. Lämna honom.] FADE SOUND OUTSIDE NOISES FANSHAW Nels? I say, is there a Nels around? FITCH [whispered, urgent] Shut tha gob! [shut your mouth] FANSHAW Heavens! Hello? FITCH [whispered, urgent] Gi o'er screetin'! [stop talking] FANSHAW Are you addressing me? FITCH [whispered, urgent] They'ull suss us're laikin about. Whilst us'm left bugger-all, and all that. {they'll figure out we're out here, leaving us with nothing} SCABBY BILL Pikey's off his head drownt, in't him? [pikey's drunk] PIKEY [drunken chortle] FANSHAW That's a relief - of a sort. Rather than a dead swede, I find a party of my own countrymen - of a sort - encroaching on an already sticky situation. Bloody hell. [sigh] I'd best relay this. FADE DOC I can't do him any good without my bag. [louder, and gesturing] Bag! OLY [thinking] Bag. Ja. Mrs. Doc Maybe they understand needle and thread. Show them. FANSHAW Lem, just listen. I've not found Nels, but felt I had to come back and inform you that there are men approaching in a sort of ambush formation outside. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW Not more of the Swedes - I suspect these are the fellows who the alteraction is with - or against. At any rate, they speak English - of a sort - so they won't be so hard to deal with, assuming that they don't simply stage an attack and kill everyone. LEM Cheery. FANSHAW And my apologies for not thinking of this before-- LEM [impatient sigh] FANSHAW But I did see where the doctor placed your guns and other belongings - they are in the chest at the foot of the bed you awoke in. LEM Hmph. DOC [slowly and loudly] You - look through my bag! You see? Noooo weapons. Give bag, let me help your friend. LEM [quickly] Doc, I think I hear some men outside. OLY [Hell! Nels always had bad timing!] [Helvete! Nels hade alltid dålig timing!] SVEN [Do not talk about Nels that way!] [Prata inte om Nels det sättet!] Mrs. Doc Nels? [slowly, but nicely] Nels was a good man. SVEN [good man] God Manniska. Ya. OLY [Hmph. give the doctor his bag.] [ge läkaren sin väska.] FADE FITCH Red, tha tike Jimmy and Sike, and skeg ap gate. Keep Pikey downwind, me - guff alone'd make a dozey twonk. [red, you take jimmy and sike and look out front. I'll keep pikey downwind. His farts alone would make you stupid.] PIKEY [drunken laugh] FANSHAW I shall have to leave them to their machinations while I find this Nels. [quiet] Please god I shall find him. [up] Nels? Nels! PIKEY Tha 'ear owt? [you hear anything?] FITCH Oyl and shoon. [Hole and shoes - shut your mouth and walk] FADE SOUND SCISSORS SNIP DOC [professional brisk] That needs to stay clean, which means-- MRS. DOC Dear? DOC [heavy sigh] Right. [back to loud and slow] Clean. Wash. Alcohol. Whiskey? SWEDES [approving noises] ya ya. Whiskey. DOC [brisk] I have no idea if they understand a word. LEM That last word I'd say they did. Mrs. Doc They're watching you real close. They might be getting some of this. At least some of our words are kind of similar. "Help", for instance. OLY [Help? Help what?] [Hjalp? Hjalp vad?] MRS. DOC It's almost like he understood me. LEM I wouldn't go thinkin' these fellers is fools. They don't even seem to mind us talkin, now that the doc's on with his business. DOC You think they'll leave now? LEM So this feller you were talkin about - the one who had some English - do I take it he's deceased? DOC [agreeing] Mm-hm. Hatchet flew off the handle, caught him in the side of the head. It weren't quick, and it weren't pretty, and there weren't a durn thing I coulda done. LEM So long as they're leavin us to talk amonst ourselves, doc, you were sayin there's some sort of dustup in this here valley? DOC These fellers - loggers, they are - have some issue with the miners down at the other end of the valley. They been getting along just fine for a donkey's years, and all of a sudden I ride in this trip to find them at odds and whaling on each other every chance they get. MRS. DOC Perhaps it is merely a misundertanding? With Ne- [catches herself] With their one translator passed on, could this all be a terrible mistake? LEM Might could be. These miners, they speak English? Not chineee or sumpin? DOC English they are, but kind of funny til you get used to it. LEM Then I think they's the ones a-creepin up on the house. I heered just a snatch of voices a while back, and it certain sure weren't Swedes. MRS. DOC What do we do? LEM I doubt me you're in any danger, missus, any more than you would be from these fellers. Them out there probably want the doc's help too. MRS. DOC Even after he sent everyone packing this afternoon? LEM Even more so. But they's like to be some fightin once you get'em all in one place. MRS. DOC Oh no! DOC If only these fellers would let me speak to them outside. LEM I'm not sure as they've even noticed-- OLY [hey! Someone's outside!] [hey! Någon utanför!] AKE [I hear them!] [Jag hör dem!] LEM Never mind. SVEN [do not let them come in!] [Låt dem inte komma in!] FADE FANSHAW [sigh] This is about as far as I can go. I don't know quite where the logger's camp might be‑‑ EZRA Hello. FANSHAW Hel-lo? EZRA Will you play with me? FANSHAW Oh, dear. [end] EPISODE 3 1_EZRA EZRA [child] What's your name? FANSHAW [dread] Fanshaw. EZRA That's a funny sort of name. FANSHAW I expect so. And yours? EZRA Ezra. Ezra Peacote. FANSHAW Ezra. Can you point me to the logger's encampment? EZRA Sure I can! You go on down this road a piece, then watch fer where all the trees is gone. FANSHAW I'm afraid this is as far as I can go, just at the moment. Can you go to the logging camp? EZRA I go there all the time to watch them cut down the trees. I'm gonna cut down trees when I grow up. FANSHAW [sorrowful] Oh. I see. FADE 2_barricade SOUND SHIFTING FURNITURE OLY [block that window! Put out the lamp!] [block som fönster! Släck lampan!] SVEN [yes! PUSH!] [Ja! Tryck!] SWEDES [GRUNTS as they shove furniture] DOC Stop all this! Let me talk to them! AKE [What if they come in the back?] [Tänk om de kommer i bakvägen?] Mrs. Doc Oh, please don't let them tear up my house, husband! That china cabinet was my mother's! DOC I'll watch the entire house burn to cinders if it means keeping you safe, Irene. LEM [muttered to self] All I'm watchin is a passel o' people payin no mind to the ailin' feller in the corner. [chuckles] It's a wonder how often it helps to seem a mite more poorly than y'really are. FADE 3_angel FANSHAW Ezra, you and I need to have a long talk, but that will have to wait. There's some people in danger, and we are the only ones who can help them. EZRA Helping is what I'm here fer. Not that I had much chance, yet. I'm an angel, you know. FANSHAW A - what? EZRA You do know what an angel is, dontcha? FANSHAW Oh, of course, I've just... I've never seen one. EZRA Mama always said that all young'uns who dies of the consumption come up angels. FANSHAW [sigh of relief] So you know that you passed on? EZRA Yessir. But don't sound so sad - it's all right. I don't cough no more. FANSHAW You shall have to tell me more about your mama - but first we must help, yes? FADE 4_irons SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN SOUND SLOW CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS [voices from back in the front room] OLY [yelling to them outside] [we know you are there! Stand up and be counted!] [vi vet att du är där! Stå upp och räknas] DOC [also yelling] They have my shotgun! Stay clear! MRS. DOC Please, all of you, don't hurt anyone. We must be able to work this out! SOUND DOOR EASES SHUT LEM [sigh of relief] Plumb clear ain't none of these fellers got much of a head fer fightin, or they'd have a man back here in case of-- PIKEY [slurred, off] Eyup! Naught but oiyl! As ah allus sez - let winder open, best as well put parkin in yune - an ahl tell thi that fer nowt. [hey - nothing but a hole! As I always say, leave the window open, might as well bake a cake [and invite people in], and I'll tell you that for free] LEM [hushed but urgent] Dammit! SOUND THUMPS AS HE CRAWLS, THEN TRUNK OPENS SOUND NOISES OF CLIMBING FROM OUTSIDE SOUND SEARCHING THE TRUNK LEM [searching for his guns] Where are they? Dammit! FADE 5_get nels EZRA Nels? I'll go and ask. There's a couple of fellers at the logging camp, but I ain't never talked to none of them. They talk funny. FANSHAW If he's there, Nels will be the one who CAN speak some English. EZRA I'm a-going. [slight pause] Say, Mr. Fanshaw, do you think this might could earn me my wings? I shore would love to be able to fly away and watch over my mama instead. FANSHAW [bright] I don't know, truly, but I suspect good deeds will always stand you in good stead. You go on, now. [pause] [small sob] FADE 6_put em up SOUND THUMP - THEY'RE IN THE ROOM. SCABBY BILL Bleeding muttonheads, innit? Leaving the drawbridge down and draining the moat fer us. PIKEY Inno moat. [laughs, then smothers it] An thou clap clack on me gone khalied. [And you talk about me being drunk] SCABBY BILL Shu'up. PIKEY SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. [sort of damp and spitty] SCABBY BILL [dry] Thanks, now I dinna need no washup. OLY [off] [Who the devil is watching the back?] [Vem fan tittar på baksidan?] AKE [off] [I thought bjorn was!] [Jag tyckte det var Björn] BJORN [off] [Ake was supposed to--] [Åke var tänkt att titta på] OLY [furious growl] [Get back there!] [Komma tillbaka dit!] SOUND FEET APPROACH SCABBY BILL Get set to swing that crow, and be chary you don't smite my crown. PIKEY Nowt missed owt threp yet. [never missed a smack yet] SOUND DOORKNOB TURNS SCABBY BILL Shh! SOUND DOOR OPENS PIKEY [loud attack] Right! SOUND HAMMERS CLICK, TWO GUNS LEM All y'all hold it right there. [up] GUN, savvy? PIKEY What? LEM Drop em. SOUND CROWBAR DROPS TO GROUND, SOMETHING WOOD TOO SCABBY BILL What gate of hell spewed you forth? LEM No place so trick. You should oughtta check the corners and the shadows when yer breakin inter a body's home. AKE [slightly off] Gun? LEM Yes, gun! SOUND SOMETHING DROPS IN THE HALL PIKEY Now, lad, us'n't doin nowt-- SCABBY BILL You have to understand the tragic poetry of this moment. You'd laugh if you had the whole picture there afore ye. LEM You two stay right'chere. SOUND SLIGHT STEP LEM [yelling to the swedes, slow] gun. Now you, "mansker"-- AKE [me?] [mig?] LEM Yeah - you go and unbind the good doctor and his wife. BJORN [he cannot shoot all of us.] [han kan inte skjuta oss alla] AKE [He can shoot one. And it can be you, idiot.] [Han kan skjuta en. Och det kan vara du, idiot.] LEM Idiot. Gotcha. Idjit, Gun and damm. And maybe mansker. Never thought I'd be learning no other lingo at my age. FADE 7_NELS EZRA You just waiting fer me? FANSHAW I thought it would be helpful if you could locate me easily. EZRA I kin find anything round here. I found yer Mr. Nels. He can't come no closer than over yonder, though. FANSHAW [calling] Nels? NELS Who is this asking? Sure, you're not the little boy. EZRA [muttered] I'm an angel. FANSHAW [up] We need help with talking to your men. Something has upset them and no one can speak to one another. NELS Sure, it is a row about the woman, is it not? FANSHAW A woman? The doctor's wife? NELS Nah! The one we bought fair and square - paid her passage and her indebted for five years, and them rascals up and run off with her. FANSHAW [resigned mutter] All this over a woman. And people wonder why a mustache is so comfortable. EZRA You got a lovely set of whiskers there, you do. FANSHAW Thank you. It helps a great deal to never have to worry about grooming them. NELS Sure, you bring us back the woman, there might be peace again. EZRA Is she their mother? FANSHAW I rather doubt it. But women are good at... other things too. EZRA You said a mouthful there, you did, sir. FANSHAW Please, just call me Fanshaw. EZRA All right Mr. Fanshaw. FANSHAW If you must. EZRA Huh? FANSHAW [UP] Nels, we need help speaking to your men. Are you willing to help, if I give you my word that we are going to do our best to clear this up? NELS [snort of derision] Sure, a bucket of dead men cannot float. EZRA That's just silly. FANSHAW I think that rather lost something in the translation. FADE 8_palaver SOUND ANGRY NOISES FROM BOTH SIDES LEM [very quiet] Talk to me, Fanshaw. [up a bit] Ain't much we can do while no one parlays the lingo. DOC I've always purposed to send away for a book of phrases, but Nels was always on hand. MRS. DOC Perhaps we could draw some pictures? DOC That's a capital idea! Mrs. Doc I have that slate we set aside ...[trails off with a slight sniffle. NOTE - she has things for when they have children, but she's never had any] ... I'll fetch it, then, shall I? SOUND SHE RUSHES OFF SCABBY BILL Us got more lads backside. Be reasonable and leave us go. LEM I got two guns, and the doc's got at least two barrels of buck, before we need to be reasonable about nothin. Stay shut. FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW Lem, we have a problem. LEM [laughs derisively] FANSHAW Nels IS present at the loggers camp, but cannot approach this place. I can get to within shouting distance, but it's going to be a bit of a slow process if I'm dashing back and forth for translations each time - not to mention any mispronunciations I might make along the way. SOUND MRS. DOC RETURNS MRS. DOC Here we go. I even have some chalk. Now. [bravely] You seem to be the leader here-- DOC Be careful, dear. MRS. DOC He's no more a danger with you watching him, husband. [to OLY] You... draw ... problem. OLY [quizzical] Problem? [definite, "getting it"] Problem! Ja! SOUND DRAWING ON SLATE MRS. DOC [satisfied] See? SCABBY BILL Prob'ly just drawin somethin rude. SOUND DRAWING FINISHES OLY ["Finished"] Fardig. [forceful, indicating - "woman"] Dam. SOUND TAPS THE SLATE PIKEY As I allus say. DOC I'll ask you not to use such language-- LEM No, I think he means dam, like a mare. Look at what he's drawn. DOC A woman? Oh, that sort of dam! OLY Ya. Dam. FANSHAW Damn! Lem, Nels said something about this all beginning with a woman. LEM Damn. [gasp, up] Pardon me, ma'am. [musing] We really need to get a mite closer to the loggin camp. END EPISODE 4 FANSHAW I've been thrown for a bit of a loop, or I would have mentioned the presence of a female at the heart of this matter-- LEM [riled] Will someone just come to the point and tell me what's a-going on? What is this about a woman? FANSHAW Nels said that he and his had -ahem- brought her here, and those fellows apparently absconded with her. PIKEY What woman? Us dunno nowt about no woman. FITCH Put wood in't clacks. [shut up] LEM You certain sure they's speakin normal English? Sounds downright wrong. DOC You get used to it. FANSHAW I assume they are come from one of the large mining areas back home in blighty. Perhaps Lancashire or Yorkshire. LEM York-sure? PIKEY Aye! Tykes, us'm. FITCH Shh! LEM That sounds like an ayup. OLY [This has to get us something. give us the woman] Detta är att få oss något framåt. ge oss damen. LEM There's that dam again. [up] If you're telling me you got no woman-- FITCH Got nowt. LEM Then let's all jest mosey down t'yer camp and have a rekky. [thinks] See what we find. SCABBY BILL Nae, sir, cannot. LEM Whay's that? SCABBY BILL um.... Ty-foy. DOC Typhoid? Horsefeathers! Sides, cain't catch typhoid from a looksee. Get up. PIKEY Shant. OLY [growl] Son till en hund! [Son of a dog!] FITCH Gormless bastard - tha'll be right skittled! AKE Låt mig slå honom! [Let me hit him!] SWEDES and TYKES [general angry grumbles] MRS. DOC Wait! Wait, all of you! SWEDES and TYKES [all shut up with gasps] MRS. DOC You! Sit! [noise for emphasis as she gestures] SOUND SHIFTING, THUMPING, TYKESIDE MRS. DOC Now you! Go on! SOUND SHIFTING THUMPING, SWEDE-SIDE. FANSHAW Clearly, some things are quite comprehensible, no matter what tongue you speak. They do say women are a civilizing influence and are bound to tame the west. LEM [slight snort of laughter] FANSHAW This show of respect certainly gives me some hope regarding the treatment of this mystery woman, as well. LEM [deep breath and sigh] Now, fellers. Let's take it one more time from the saddle blanket up. FADE SOUND OUTSIDE, FIRE NEARBY SOUND BAG SET DOWN, RUSTLE BEACHUM [crotchety old hag] Wazzatcher got vere? Ye call vem leeks? TED Best t'be had. Yon t'were parky summer. [best to be had. It was a cold summer] BEACHUM Hmm. Right, leave em on block. SOUND RUNNING FEET COME IN JAMES [breathless from off] Eyup! TED Eyup? Why'rt thee so sharp? [hello? What's wrong?] JAMES Maister Finch an't lads! They'm gripped! [Finch and the guys! They've been grabbed] TED Thas doolally, thee! [you're crazy!] JAMES Nay! us were without't house; Fitch went in wi Scabby Bill, Pikey-- [no! We were at the house, and they went in--] TED [snort] All save thee? Get on. [everyone but you? Nonsense!] JAMES Shouts! And vices. Them logmen. But else ain mair. I'm thought as that's black tidins, me, so I have a squint, and them're all sat like bairns in skoil, with old scratch hisself stood about in catflap johnnies, wavin a pair of irons and fit to beat seven sorts of shite out of 'em. [Shouts! And voices! Those loggers. But that's not all. I figured that sounded bad, so I peeked in, and they were all sitting like kids in school, with the devil standing over them in longjohns, waving a pair of guns and ready to beat the crap out of them] TED [decisive, grim] Roust old Git. Say tis knockin up time. [go wake up Old git. Tell him to get everyone moving.] FADE SOUND EATING, SPOON THROWN DOWN LARS [disgusted noise] [this tastes terrible.] [Det här smakar hemskt.] ARN [They better be getting her back. You cook very badly.] [De bättre att få henne tillbaka. Du tillagar mycket dåligt.] LARS [What do you expect?] [Vad förväntar du dig?] KJELL [Quiet down! It will not kill you.] [Tysta ner! Det kommer inte döda dig.] SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN FREDEK [out of breath] [Come quickly! Something has happened!] [Kom snabbt! Någonting har hänt!] SWEDES [Excited responses - please all record the following, I will mix] [my god!] Herregud! [What happened?!] Vad hände? [Where is Oly?] Var är Oly? [Let's get em!] Låt oss få dem! SOUND CLATTER OF DISHES, BENCHES SCRAPE FADE LEM Don't try and buffalo me, lads. I know you all are speakin some kinda English, and YOU, SCABBY BILL Me? LEM Ayup. I heerd you. You talk purt near normal. Normal fer Englanders leastways. FANSHAW Oh, thank you VERY much. SCABBY BILL [deep over the top thick accent] Nae, Maister. [quoting a song] Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee, On Il-kley Moor bar-ta--at? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? LEM Cut that out. This ain't no game, feller. Lessen you're hankerin to see a mighty dustup, I truly suggest you take off the feathers and help me untie this knot y'all've wound. SCABBY BILL [considering] Hmm. PIKEY Wazzat? Knots 'n feathers? SCABBY BILL Nay mitherin, lad. [no worrying, lad.] [up, clearer] What thee rightly asking, there, "fellow"? DOC While yer jawin, Mr. Roberts, Why don't you have a seat? Never saw a man could sway like 'at, while his hands was set in granite. LEM Sore as it is to own up to weakness, I think a chair would be right fine right about now. SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE LEM [sighs as he sits] EZRA [distant] Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW I am summoned. You seem to be handling things. LEM [quiet] uh-huh. MRS. DOC If yer all set on hospitality, perhaps these gentlemen will let me set some water on to heat? PIKEY Wha? SCABBY BILL Lass says tea mayhap. PIKEY Ta! MRS. DOC [slowly, with sound effects, to the Swedes] I heat water [glug glug] to drink [slurp] warm. OLY [quizzical] ya? MRS. DOC Well. I'll just be in the kitchen, then. SOUND WALKS OUT LEM Checkin' her biscuits. DOC [chuckles] FADE SOUND OUTSIDE EZRA Mr. Fanshaw! There's folks coming up on you. FANSHAW From where? EZRA There! FANSHAW The loggers? EZRA And there! FANSHAW Oh, blast. FADE DOC [whispered] Mr. Roberts, tea's all well and good, but fer really makin peace, I cain't fault whiskey. LEM [undertone] Save it fer after. Leave 'em sober til they agree. [up] You, what's yer name, anyway? SCABBY BILL Bill. LEM No dancin now - tell me about this woman. SCABBY BILL [sigh] T'owd lass. Nae laikin'. [clears his throat] She weren't happy wit' them tree trunks. Nowt speak proper, now t'one has gone. LEM What's her name? SCABBY BILL Mrs. Beamish. LEM Mrs.? Doc? DOC I ain't never seen her. SCABBY BILL Widder. LEM Ayeah. So Missus Beamish is from England, like you fellers? SCABBY BILL Nae, London, her'm. SOUND FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW [breathless] Lem! More are on their way, both sides. LEM But she talks like you. SCABBY BILL [snort of laughter] Nay! She've an accent. FANSHAW [surprised laugh] LEM But you-- [take a breath to speak, but is intrupted] SCABBY BILL But mair like than nowt like. Can cal [rhymes with pal] six of seven, as may be. Talk. FANSHAW [warning] Lem, I know it's a bad time-- LEM So she favors y'all, cuz she kin talk to you? SCABBY BILL Aye. OLY [Did they say what they did?] LEM [slow] I'm asking. [muttred] Dunno what's'a gonna happen when I haveta explain. FANSHAW Lem, I'll come back and let you know when they are close enough to be a danger. LEM That's right fine. FADE SOUND Moving through underbrush KJELL Det är huset! [There is the house!] LARS Finns det någon död? [Are there any dead?] FREDEK Jag såg ingen. [I saw none.] LARS Oly? Var såg du honom? [Oly? Where did you see him?] FREDEK Jag ser ljus! I fönstret! [I see light! In the window!] KJELL Tyst! [Be quiet.] FADE TED Thas t'house? JAMES Eh, by gum. Us gang thru t'winder. [we went in through the window] OLD GIT Winder wooded oop. [window is covered in wood] JAMES [disparagin] Winder at back. TED See owt o't'lads? [see anything of the guys?] JAMES Within? OLD GIT Tha reckon, young-en? TED [musing] Tis goin' dahn't nick, appen as not. [this is all going to hell, like] FADE MUTTERING DISCUSSIONS AMONG BOTH GROUPS MRS. DOC Drink. It's more broth. LEM Thankee kindly, ma'am. All this jawin is plumb wearin me thin. DOC I think you've takin the edge off, anyways. Ain't no one looking fit to kill, no more. LEM At's a wonder. [sips, ahhh.] DOC But I worry about you, feller. Soon as can, you're for bed, and I'll need ta check them wounds. LEM I cain't wish fer more. [up, to Mrs.] Thankee ma'am. Maybe a touch more? MRS. DOC Of course. SOUND BUSTLES OFF LEM [quiet] Spect this's a bad time to say I'm a-hearin voices outside again? DOC What the blazes! LEM shh. I think both have reinforcements comin. We needs to shove some peaceable down all their throats - and right quick, before a range war starts out yonder. SCABBY BILL [clears throat] We are ready to cry off. And make some talk. Nowt gi' up, but sort this - hosses fer yows. [not giving up, but want to negotiate - horses for ewes] LEM Sounds like a good start. You? OLY Ya? [No fighting. Talk. Somehow.] DOC Does that sounds peaceble enough? LEM I'm fair hopeful. [up] Bill? Go tell yer men to rein it in. [correcting] uh, step back. They's comin from out there. SCABBY BILL Flippin 'eck! Ah'm barn. [flippin heck! I'm going] SOUND a couple of steps, DOOR OPENS SCABBY BILL [off, fading] Lads! LEM Oly, your turn, old son. [slowly, with gestures] Go stop your'n. OLY Ya. SOUND FEET, DOOR LEM [clearly weakening] Doc, go and yell fer that Bill feller - tell him to bring Mrs. Beamish along here. See what you can do anyway. DOC Let me take them guns, first, yer gone all pale and fit to drop 'em LEM I'll set em down myself. SOUND METAL ON WOOD LEM [quiet] Don't fret. Th'ain't even loaded. DOC Well, I'll be! LEM I doubt me I got the strength left to hold guns and bullets. Now catch 'em up and get that woman here. END
A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts. disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington - Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design: Brett Coulstock Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid. ****************************************************************** Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time. I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW Will it be safe? LEM Safe? FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns. For ... notoriety's sake. LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party? 'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory. FANSHAW Is it worth the risk? LEM [shrug noise] Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM [laughs] I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more. Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW [rolling eyes] Yes, yes. LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee. And low on shells. FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens. How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB IN TOWN SOUND WALKING ON WOOD LEM Lotta trade hereabouts. Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW Lem! LEM [voice low] We'll go on over yonder. [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance. FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind. LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW I say. Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM [shrug] Three weeks. Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW I'll-- LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW [stiff, covering] Old acquaintance. Go on ahead! LEM 3_SALOON SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB SALOON LEM One here. SOUND DRINK POURED BARTENDER There you go. SOUND COINS SOUND LEM DRINKS GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER Something wrong, fella? LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat] Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation. You need it yonked? Barber can‑‑ LEM [finally getting clear] No, no. I kin handle it. SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM And sorry about the-- BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND MORE COINS LEM Give me the bottle. GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM 4_LISETTE AMB OUTSIDE LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you! Mustache and all. Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE Oh, how formal. Just like at school. What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE And we used to be such chums. However did you end up here? FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that! You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE [not amused any more] At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW Jolly good. Happy you're dead. Must get along. LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary! FANSHAW [long breath of self-control] LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages. FANSHAW How unfortunate. Must rush. LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell. [up] I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE I'm sure. But he replied. Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW I-- LISETTE Oh, just watch your face! You're trying desperately to come up with a lie! You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW Stop calling me that. LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap. I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend. FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB SALOON SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM [low] Sit. GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you? You done went and killed me! LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you. You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM I ... drifted. LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled. Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM [sigh] SOUND DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND PIGS LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman. LEM An old flame? FANSHAW Nonsense! We knew each other as ... children. She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here. LEM Spect not. Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes... LEM So? You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael. She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things. About other people. She likes to -- LEM Hold a grudge? Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW Aptly put. LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you? Leastways not no more. FANSHAW You might be surprised. LEM Who's she a-gonna tell? [realizes] Oh. FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you. Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM [after a moment] Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW What? LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW You would leave? Over this? LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return. SOUND WALKING IN MUD LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB BARN SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear. Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW Righty-ho. SOUND LEAVES GRISHAM Running away, eh? Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM [sigh] You're lucky ain't no one about but us. Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM You kilt me! LEM We had it out, fair and square. I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up] I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me. Not on purpose. SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards. Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM I din't do THAT to you neither. You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM By shooting the Kid? You ain't the first. GRISHAM But you still kilt me. LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more. Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me. Hee-yaw! SOUND RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW Lisette? LISETTE There you are! Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW So sorry. Didn't have much choice. My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it? Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say? FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did. LISETTE So bothered over trifles! How much people change! FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you! Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE Carmela? Served her right. FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE She also let herself be compromised! I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right? A champion of truth? LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW History is replete with-- LISETTE Oh, spare me. Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW Very well. I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed. Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings. LISETTE [outraged] I--? You--! FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish. There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved. Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE No doubt. I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh] No, but I think I shall. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND HORSES WALKING LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW How odd. Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that. Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM How? And who with? Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed. Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself. LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune. When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh. MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB SALOON LEM Gimme two. SOUND CARDS LEM [pleased noise] I'll see you and raise-- SOUND CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM Your call. PLAYER1 [shaky] Um... I fold. LEM [chuckles] PATRON1 How can he--? Patron2 Shh! SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM [heavy menace] You the deadeye kid? LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards. Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM [long dramatic sigh] Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah. I'm done. Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles. Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM Now! LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER .. certainly. GRISHAM I'll do it! I will! SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks? And leave the dealer to clean up the mess? [tsks] Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC BACK TO NOW SOUND HORSES WALKING FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back. LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over. Ain't no pride in the easy way. FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM Are you stepping? LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes? Milk? [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM [furious noise] I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you. SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM Barkeep? Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM Yup. There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown. Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW Why not? He called you out. LEM He was halfway round on rotgut. Not a nugget's chance agin me. Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW But you stepped out with him? Even knowing he had no chance? LEM A'course. He wouldn't take no. Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone. I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you. And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so. You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you. That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM You ready? LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow? I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM [duh] Yep. [beat] That's your sole entire reason? You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout. [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford. [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM Come on! Kick it up, Deadeye! Less'n yer yellow! SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh. I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND G - BODY DROP SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER. A MOMENT. FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC BACK TO NOW FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM Have to ice over that pond. Hard and cold. Hard and cold. FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving. I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner! Look at we Brits. LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW Do you enjoy it? LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time. FANSHAW The thrill of danger? LEM That, but even more so. If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs. This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it. Kill or be killed. [beat, then not quite truthful] Enjoy? FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC FLASH BACK AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN [gasps] SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM [voiceover] there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best. Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER Your shot, Mister. LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC BACK TO NOW LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk. Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Look - the horizon! LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em. FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at. We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM Someone's gotta warn the town. Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM Not so much that I saw. They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there. FANSHAW [heavy sigh] Right, then. SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend. But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me. [change of tone] We are a couple of hours out. LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin. We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger. Ain't even your fight. LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there. Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM That's fine. Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone. FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to. [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town. I'm still not sure how you did that. Or why you came back. FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious. Fanshaw, dear old chum. Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE [surprised laugh] Hah! All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air! And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out. Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it. We have a job to do. LISETTE Wait! FANSHAW [long sigh] Yes? LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any. But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND POUNDING LISETTE Oh heavens! Not again! MAN [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND POUNDING STOPS LISETTE Try that scene again from the top. Romeo? FANSHAW [sigh] Yes? LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET Oh, I like "him". So terribly byronic. FANSHAW I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY Sir? LEM Yeah? SCOTTY Private Scott. Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM [sigh] Right. You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY O'course. LEM Against a person? SCOTTY Well, against animals. LEM GRISHAM Not everyone can be you. LEM [sighs] SCOTTY Don't you worry! I ain't afraid! GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet. You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM Right. You gotta horse? SCOTTY Over there. GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse. Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets. LEM Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY Right, sir! GRISHAM Ain't he a little young? You should oughtta throw him back. LEM I'm stuck with him. And I never kept notches. GRISHAM That ain't what I heered. LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY Tell me about what? Injuns? [certain] I know all about them. LEM [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB CRICKETS SOUND HORSES FANSHAW They're still out of range. I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish. Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible. Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY What ain't impossible? LEM We're gettin close. Best to go on foot. SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility! LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then. FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel. SOUND CREAK LEM Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin! I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW [laughs] I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND REMOVING SPURS LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things. If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there. You reckon? SCOTTY How'll you find us? LEM I'll find you. Just be ready. And don't shoot me. SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK echoey hallway LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume. Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers. Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then. [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement. [dismissive] But a costume is a costume. I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW I'll have a look round. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM Ooh! Scairt you, din't I? LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then. Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM What all do you want? GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box? I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM Not likely, nope. How'd you follow us? GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW Who the devil is this? GRISHAM Who the devil are you? LEM What'd ya find out? FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle. GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya? Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW We need to get moving. GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND KNIFE FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned. We need to go. GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM What'd you do to him? FANSHAW I didn't! I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea? 8_JULIET3 SOUND TAP ON DOOR LISETTE Fanshaw? FANSHAW Come in. LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair. To create the right ilusion. LISETTE That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW I prefer not. It looks like an ottoman on my head. LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW Whyever not? LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE That is the final straw! Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW What? LISETTE That you would take too many liberties. You are out. FANSHAW Out? LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW I don't see anyone. .. hostile. SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM What is-- [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW I don't doubt it. SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM [heavy sigh] CLOSING Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM Good thing I had that with me. Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW Of course. SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son. And you been punished enough. SCOTTY What do you mean? They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW I'll deal with him. LEM I'll leave you to it. SCOTTY What are you doing? LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns. You gon' be all right? SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place. Especially in the dark. SCOTTY Can't do anything? What are you talking about? FANSHAW Hush, Scotty. Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM Where the hell? [Thunder?]! Goddam rustlers! SOUND MEN WALK BY LEADER Two horses, two saddles. I don't like it. SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized. But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough. LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND We're nearly ready. 3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT? I mean this is it? No nothing left? No heaven? FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand. I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW Most do. And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear. That is a shame. SCOTTY What's it like? FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY Being with a woman? FANSHAW ... 4_RUNNING LEM [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM [muttered] Dammit. Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS [yelling, off] Leastways, there's a good moon! PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS [off, yelling] Spread out! Don't let that traitor get away! Where's that rope? PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you? You been all over the place! FANSHAW Oh dear. [up] I've spent most of my life deep in study. I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all. SCOTTY Me too. Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW [after a moment] Women are.... soft. SCOTTY [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW And round. In places where men aren't. SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW [flabbergasted] What? SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts! Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men. Arms, legs, heads - well, one head. You understand. SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT Shh! Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy. Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM I should hope I do! My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup. SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS [outside] Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped. I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night. 8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW I was in love. When I was very young. SCOTTY Was she really purtty? FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face. Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW Our parents objected. They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY What didja do? FANSHAW I waited. I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY You waited on a rock? FANSHAW I waited at school. I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY What happened? FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY Yes? FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY She'd gone and -- FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another. Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY Damn! Women are right terrible. FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy. There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men. We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT YOUNG LEM Why? What for? PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM You mean the war? My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS There he is! MAN Get him! PIEDMONT [scream] SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY How'd it work? FANSHAW Work? SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you. I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY Years? You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW .. help people. And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety. 11_SHOT SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir! My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take. YOUNG LEM [gasp] Pa? SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on. SCOTTY Business? I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW No, no. For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY I spose that could happen. FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW [cheering] Or, when the town has been warned. That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no! FANSHAW Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY What if it's ladies? FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward. Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS [beat] You asking something? YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me? Or what if you did? ROBERTS [long pause] Life's hard, boy. You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS Lem? YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY It ain't fair! I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW Life is not fair. Death even less so. SCOTTY I-- FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer. SCOTTY Answer? FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW What about me? SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY No? Why? FANSHAW I still have many things to see. And I feel like I'm doing good here. There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY That's crazy talk. FANSHAW That's why it's a story. In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY All right. Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug. SCOTTY That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW [gasp] Look at the horizon! I think they are on the move! SCOTTY Is there something we can do? FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER [commands] We need more shot at the western boundary! Get someone over there! SOLDIER Yessir! SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2 Sir! Someone's coming! On foot! COMMANDER On foot? SENTRY [off] Halt! LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop... I'm gon fall down... And I gotta get to... The commander. SENTRY Stop, I say! COMMANDER Let him on through. LEM They're a-movin. Deserters 'n comancheros. Have guns. COMMANDER Why are you-- LEM Kilt Scotty. Took the horses. Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND FALLS DOWN COMMANDER Are you all right? [up] Someone get Doc! LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY We got to do something! FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind? I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem. By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing? That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town. Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY [really down] No. FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him. Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC Can you get yourself around this? LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy. LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE Oh, goodness. I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend. LEM [coughs] DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat] Hits the spot. LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away. [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them. You up fer it? LEM Will be... shortly. Any chance of a mite to eat? It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW We've come across... others. But they are very rare. SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something! I want to help! FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus! I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY But I-- GRISHAM [off] Will you two shut up? They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW Oh dear. Come along. SCOTTY Where? FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND MEN READY TO GO SOUND MOUNT UP LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness] COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller? LEM Better saddle than boots. I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set. Least we can do. Let's go. SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT LEM Commander? COMMANDER Hmm? LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that. Too spread out. And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out. Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre. [up] Company! [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND PUNCH FANSHAW [casual] shut up. SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW Leave him! [quiet, moving away] We can't actually be hurt. But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to. I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW Blast! He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW How? SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM oof! SCOTTY Better'n pie! You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM [muttered] Fanshaw? Too far out. COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM Nothing much to speak of. Some hills. A ridge off to the north where first we saw them. No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER Cain't let this sort of thing go. LEM Course not. COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead? LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad. LEM Kin? COMMANDER LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW Looks like about three score. Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night. Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny! I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug. Oh! Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head? [gasp of fear] Did you hurt yourself? Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA No! I am a pirate. NANNY Do not be so silly. There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA Of course there are. They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW. When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had? LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought. At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER [skeptical] Really? LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don't. LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER [chuckles] Sound thinking. [up] Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller? I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper! Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead. More than he will ever know. [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1 Hey! I found something! SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW [worried] Damn! Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2 What? SECOND Silence! RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1 Split it? Nonsense! It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway. Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB Yessir! LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite. COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta. 'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER Valuables? LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw! That fellow just vanished! Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY Why? FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag. Now that it has been found... SCOTTY Why? Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW There's something in there - Oh! It's moving. Stay with me as long as you can. SCOTTY Why can't I--? FANSHAW Shh! [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there. And you are on the other end. SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW Basically, yes. You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW Yes! [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate! I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY Stealing is very wicked. YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing! Then you're just a sailor! NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates. Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA Or nannies. NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug. You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny. Mummies are boring. Nannies have things to do. NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate! I want to see the world! NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy! END Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM I kin look after myself. Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy. I best get a move on. COMMANDER One thing. LEM Yeah? COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM [down] Oh. COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM I- COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous. Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM I kin only do my best. SOUND WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2 [whisper] Heavy is good! Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation. I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay. 3_TALLYHO SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off. And ridin. FANSHAW [distant] Tally-ho! LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW Halloooooo! Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM What the devil? [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW [muffled noises] SOUND STRUGGLING GRISHAM Oh, no you don't! SOUND MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me. Long as I ignore it. But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW [noise of effort] GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey! You bit me! FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM [disgusted noise] FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid-- [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW [noise of effort] SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM You're a-- ? FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM what the hell? A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet] They're coming! SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER [a bit superior] I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw. 6_PLAN DOS LEADER Shots? SECOND Sir? LEADER Someone has seen. Get El puerco and his fellows. Tell them plan dos. SECOND Plan dos, sir? LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town. We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND Yessir! SOUND RUNS OFF SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem! That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM [muttered] Damn. And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM [very quietly] 30...? Nearer fifty. That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND SHOTS! (where the horses went to) LEM [muttered to self] hold on. SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM [muttered] almost... GRISHAM There you are! LEM [sharp intake of breath] That don't work on me twice. Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n? Funny thing about that-- SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM Good riddance. And jest in time. SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING MaN [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines! More shot, boy! BOY Yessir! MAN [hit, argh!] COMMANDER Stay low! FANSHAW All seems rather well here. GRISHAM There you are. FANSHAW Bloody hell. GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND RELOADING SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM That's nine. SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone! They're circling round! There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM [listens for a second] Fanshaw? Damn. SCOTTY [yelling] Please! Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse. [chuckles] dead don't get hoarse. But I gotta get one. [clucks to horse] SOUND HORSE BLOWS LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle] Come on. FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem? LEM Wazzat? There you are! FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay. That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM Grisham? FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well. The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW What message? LEM Just try and tell the boy. So he can rest hisself. [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW Scotty? Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable. They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND HORSE APPROACHING LEM [distant] Commander! COMMANDER Let him through. [up, to Lem] Looks like we've got nearly all of them. SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM [to horse] Whoah! I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind. COMMANDER My god! LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER You, boy! BOY Yessir? COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly! LEM You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts. My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM Sound thinkin. I have been going a bit. COMMANDER Corporal? CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW Lem? I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance. Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints. I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL Excellent! FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM Found you! FANSHAW Oh, damn! GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW [hits out] GRISHAM [ungh!] FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem. Too distracting. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly] Coward! But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM What? LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet. You hear me? GRISHAM [all the bluster gone] LEM I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM Hah! I still gotcha! LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up? CORPORAL [commanding] Men! SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS LEM [groan] SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR Bite down on this. He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them. You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister. You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet] Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages. Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say. I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin. FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly] Should I ...go? LEM Go? go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace. To rest. I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit] Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied] FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath] LEM [exasperated snort] Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW So she did--? LEM [shrug] So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW .. don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants. FANSHAW What? END
A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts. disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington - Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design: Brett Coulstock Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid. ************************************************************* Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time. I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW Will it be safe? LEM Safe? FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns. For ... notoriety's sake. LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party? 'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory. FANSHAW Is it worth the risk? LEM [shrug noise] Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM [laughs] Ayup. I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more. Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW [rolling eyes] Yes, yes. LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee. And low on shells. FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens. How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB IN TOWN SOUND WALKING ON WOOD LEM Lotta trade hereabouts. Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW Lem! Soldiers. LEM [voice low] Right. We'll go on over yonder. [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance. FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind. LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW I say. Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM [shrug] Three weeks. Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW I'll-- LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW [stiff, covering] Old acquaintance. Go on ahead! LEM Right. 3_SALOON SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB SALOON LEM One here. SOUND DRINK POURED BARTENDER There you go. SOUND COINS SOUND LEM DRINKS GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER Something wrong, fella? LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat] Toothache. Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation. You need it yonked? Barber can‑‑ LEM [finally getting clear] No, no. I kin handle it. SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM Another. And sorry about the-- BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND MORE COINS LEM Give me the bottle. GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM Ayup. 4_LISETTE AMB OUTSIDE LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you! Mustache and all. Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE Oh, how formal. Just like at school. What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE And we used to be such chums. However did you end up here? FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that! You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE [not amused any more] At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW Jolly good. Happy you're dead. Must get along. LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary! FANSHAW [long breath of self-control] LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages. FANSHAW How unfortunate. Must rush. LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell. [up] I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE I'm sure. But he replied. Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW I-- LISETTE Oh, just watch your face! You're trying desperately to come up with a lie! You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW Stop calling me that. LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap. I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend. FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB SALOON SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM [low] Sit. GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you? You done went and killed me! LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you. You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM I ... drifted. LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled. Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM [sigh] SOUND DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND PIGS LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman. LEM An old flame? FANSHAW Nonsense! We knew each other as ... children. She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here. LEM Spect not. Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes... LEM So? You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael. She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things. About other people. She likes to -- LEM Hold a grudge? Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW Aptly put. Yes. LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you? Leastways not no more. FANSHAW You might be surprised. LEM Who's she a-gonna tell? [realizes] Oh. FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you. Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM [after a moment] Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW No. It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW What? LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW You would leave? Over this? LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return. SOUND WALKING IN MUD LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB BARN SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear. Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW Righty-ho. SOUND LEAVES GRISHAM Running away, eh? Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM [sigh] You're lucky ain't no one about but us. Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM You kilt me! LEM We had it out, fair and square. I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up] I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me. Not on purpose. SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards. Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM I din't do THAT to you neither. You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM By shooting the Kid? You ain't the first. GRISHAM But you still kilt me. LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more. Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me. Hee-yaw! SOUND RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW Lisette? LISETTE There you are! Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW So sorry. Didn't have much choice. My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it? Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say? FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did. LISETTE So bothered over trifles! How much people change! FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you! Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE Carmela? Served her right. FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE She also let herself be compromised! I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right? A champion of truth? LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW History is replete with-- LISETTE Oh, spare me. Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW Very well. I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed. Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings. LISETTE [outraged] I--? You--! FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish. There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved. Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE No doubt. I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh] No, but I think I shall. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND HORSES WALKING LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW How odd. Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that. Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM How? And who with? Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed. Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself. LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune. When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh. MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB SALOON LEM Gimme two. SOUND CARDS LEM [pleased noise] I'll see you and raise-- SOUND CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM Your call. PLAYER1 [shaky] Um... I fold. LEM [chuckles] PATRON1 How can he--? Patron2 Shh! SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM [heavy menace] You the deadeye kid? LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards. Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM [long dramatic sigh] Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah. I'm done. Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles. Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM Now! LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER Uh... certainly. GRISHAM I'll do it! I will! SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks? And leave the dealer to clean up the mess? [tsks] Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC BACK TO NOW SOUND HORSES WALKING FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back. LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over. Ain't no pride in the easy way. FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM Are you stepping? LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes? Milk? [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM [furious noise] I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you. SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM Barkeep? Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM Rattlin. Yup. There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown. Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW Why not? He called you out. LEM He was halfway round on rotgut. Not a nugget's chance agin me. Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW But you stepped out with him? Even knowing he had no chance? LEM A'course. He wouldn't take no. Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone. I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you. And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so. You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you. That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM You ready? LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow? I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM [duh] Yep. [beat] That's your sole entire reason? You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout. [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford. [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM Come on! Kick it up, Deadeye! Less'n yer yellow! SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh. I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND G - BODY DROP SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER. A MOMENT. FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC BACK TO NOW FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM Have to ice over that pond. Hard and cold. Hard and cold. FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving. I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner! Look at we Brits. LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW Do you enjoy it? LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM Hmmm. [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time. FANSHAW The thrill of danger? LEM That, but even more so. If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs. This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it. Kill or be killed. [beat, then not quite truthful] Enjoy? No. FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC FLASH BACK AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN [gasps] SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM [voiceover] there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best. Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER Your shot, Mister. LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC BACK TO NOW LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk. Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Look - the horizon! LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em. Damn. FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at. We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM Someone's gotta warn the town. Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM Not so much that I saw. They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there. FANSHAW [heavy sigh] Right, then. SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend. But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me. [change of tone] We are a couple of hours out. LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin. We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger. Ain't even your fight. LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there. Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM That's fine. Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone. FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE No. I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to. [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town. I'm still not sure how you did that. Or why you came back. FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious. Fanshaw, dear old chum. Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE [surprised laugh] Hah! All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air! And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out. Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it. We have a job to do. LISETTE Wait! FANSHAW [long sigh] Yes? LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any. But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND POUNDING LISETTE Oh heavens! Not again! MAN [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND POUNDING STOPS LISETTE Try that scene again from the top. Romeo? FANSHAW [sigh] Yes? LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET Oh, I like "him". So terribly byronic. FANSHAW I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY Sir? LEM Yeah? SCOTTY Private Scott. Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM [sigh] Right. You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY O'course. LEM Against a person? SCOTTY Well, against animals. LEM Right. GRISHAM Not everyone can be you. LEM [sighs] SCOTTY Don't you worry! I ain't afraid! GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet. You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM Scotty. Right. You gotta horse? SCOTTY Over there. GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse. Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets. LEM Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY Right, sir! GRISHAM Ain't he a little young? You should oughtta throw him back. LEM I'm stuck with him. And I never kept notches. GRISHAM That ain't what I heered. LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY Tell me about what? Injuns? [certain] I know all about them. LEM [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB CRICKETS SOUND HORSES FANSHAW They're still out of range. I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish. Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible. Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY What ain't impossible? LEM We're gettin close. Best to go on foot. SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility! LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then. FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel. SOUND CREAK LEM Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin! I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW [laughs] I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND REMOVING SPURS LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things. If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there. You reckon? SCOTTY How'll you find us? LEM I'll find you. Just be ready. And don't shoot me. SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK echoey hallway LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW Carmichael. LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume. Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers. Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then. [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement. [dismissive] But a costume is a costume. I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW I'll have a look round. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM Ooh! Scairt you, din't I? LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then. Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM What all do you want? GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box? I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM Not likely, nope. How'd you follow us? GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW Who the devil is this? GRISHAM Who the devil are you? LEM What'd ya find out? FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle. GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya? Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW We need to get moving. GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND KNIFE FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM Oooohhhh. FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned. We need to go. GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM What'd you do to him? FANSHAW I didn't! I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea? 8_JULIET3 SOUND TAP ON DOOR LISETTE Fanshaw? FANSHAW Come in. LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair. To create the right ilusion. LISETTE That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW I prefer not. It looks like an ottoman on my head. LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW Whyever not? LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE That is the final straw! Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW What? LISETTE That you would take too many liberties. You are out. FANSHAW Out? LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW I don't see anyone. Anyone... hostile. SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM What is-- [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW I don't doubt it. SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM [heavy sigh] Ayup. CLOSING Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM Good thing I had that with me. Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW Of course. SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son. And you been punished enough. SCOTTY What do you mean? They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW I'll deal with him. LEM I'll leave you to it. SCOTTY What are you doing? LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns. You gon' be all right? SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place. Especially in the dark. SCOTTY Can't do anything? What are you talking about? FANSHAW Hush, Scotty. Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM Where the hell? [Thunder?]! Goddam rustlers! SOUND MEN WALK BY LEADER Two horses, two saddles. I don't like it. SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized. But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough. LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND We're nearly ready. 3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT? I mean this is it? No nothing left? No heaven? FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand. I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW Most do. And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear. That is a shame. SCOTTY What's it like? FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY Being with a woman? FANSHAW Ohhh.... 4_RUNNING LEM [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM [muttered] Dammit. Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS [yelling, off] Leastways, there's a good moon! PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS [off, yelling] Spread out! Don't let that traitor get away! Where's that rope? PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you? You been all over the place! FANSHAW Oh dear. [up] I've spent most of my life deep in study. I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all. SCOTTY Me too. Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW [after a moment] Women are.... soft. SCOTTY [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW And round. In places where men aren't. SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW [flabbergasted] What? SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts! Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men. Arms, legs, heads - well, one head. You understand. SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW Yes. Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT Shh! Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy. Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM I should hope I do! My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup. SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS [outside] Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped. I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night. 8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW I was in love. When I was very young. SCOTTY Was she really purtty? FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face. Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW Our parents objected. They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY What didja do? FANSHAW I waited. I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY You waited on a rock? FANSHAW I waited at school. I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY What happened? FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY Yes? FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY She'd gone and -- FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another. Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY Damn! Women are right terrible. FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy. There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men. We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT Yes. YOUNG LEM Why? What for? PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM You mean the war? Hmph. My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS There he is! MAN Get him! PIEDMONT [scream] SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW Yes. We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY How'd it work? FANSHAW Work? SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you. I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY Years? You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW We... help people. And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety. 11_SHOT SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir! My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take. YOUNG LEM [gasp] Pa? SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on. SCOTTY Business? I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW No, no. For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY Oh. I spose that could happen. FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW [cheering] Or, when the town has been warned. That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no! FANSHAW Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY What if it's ladies? FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward. Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS Good. Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS Yup. YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS Yup. [beat] You asking something? YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me? Or what if you did? ROBERTS [long pause] Life's hard, boy. You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM Oh. SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS Lem? YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY It ain't fair! I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW Life is not fair. Death even less so. SCOTTY I-- FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer. SCOTTY Answer? FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY Oh. And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW What about me? SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW Oh. But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY No? Why? FANSHAW I still have many things to see. And I feel like I'm doing good here. There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY That's crazy talk. FANSHAW That's why it's a story. In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY All right. Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug. SCOTTY That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW True. [gasp] Look at the horizon! I think they are on the move! SCOTTY Is there something we can do? FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER [commands] We need more shot at the western boundary! Get someone over there! SOLDIER Yessir! SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2 Sir! Someone's coming! On foot! COMMANDER On foot? SENTRY [off] Halt! LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop... I'm gon fall down... And I gotta get to... The commander. SENTRY Stop, I say! COMMANDER Let him on through. LEM They're a-movin. Deserters 'n comancheros. Have guns. COMMANDER Why are you-- LEM Kilt Scotty. Took the horses. Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND FALLS DOWN COMMANDER Are you all right? [up] Someone get Doc! LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY We got to do something! FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind? I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem. By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing? That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town. Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY [really down] No. FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him. Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC Can you get yourself around this? LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy. Medicinal. LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE Oh, goodness. I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend. LEM [coughs] DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat] Hits the spot. LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away. [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them. You up fer it? LEM Will be... shortly. Any chance of a mite to eat? It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW We've come across... others. But they are very rare. SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something! I want to help! FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus! I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY But I-- GRISHAM [off] Will you two shut up? They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW Oh dear. Come along. SCOTTY Where? FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND MEN READY TO GO SOUND MOUNT UP LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness] COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller? LEM Better saddle than boots. I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set. Least we can do. Let's go. SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT LEM Commander? COMMANDER Hmm? LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that. Too spread out. And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out. Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre. [up] Company! [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND PUNCH FANSHAW [casual] shut up. SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW Leave him! [quiet, moving away] We can't actually be hurt. But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to. I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW Blast! He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW How? SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM oof! SCOTTY Better'n pie! You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM [muttered] Fanshaw? Damn. Too far out. COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM Nothing much to speak of. Some hills. A ridge off to the north where first we saw them. No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER Good. Cain't let this sort of thing go. LEM Course not. COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM Ayup. Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead? LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad. LEM Kin? COMMANDER Nephew. LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW Looks like about three score. Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night. Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny! I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug. Oh! Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head? [gasp of fear] Did you hurt yourself? Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA No! I am a pirate. NANNY Do not be so silly. There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA Of course there are. They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW. When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had? LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought. At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER [skeptical] Really? LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don't. LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER [chuckles] Sound thinking. [up] Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller? I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper! Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead. More than he will ever know. [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1 Hey! I found something! SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW [worried] Damn! Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2 What? SECOND Silence! RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1 Split it? Nonsense! It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway. Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB Yessir! LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite. COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta. 'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER Valuables? LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw! That fellow just vanished! Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY Why? FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag. Now that it has been found... SCOTTY Why? Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW No. There's something in there - Oh! It's moving. Stay with me as long as you can. SCOTTY Why can't I--? FANSHAW Shh! [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there. And you are on the other end. SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW Basically, yes. You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW Yes! [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate! I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY Stealing is very wicked. YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing! Then you're just a sailor! NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates. Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA Or nannies. NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug. You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny. Mummies are boring. Nannies have things to do. NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate! I want to see the world! NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy! END Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM I kin look after myself. Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy. I best get a move on. COMMANDER One thing. LEM Yeah? COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM [down] Oh. COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM I- COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous. Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM I kin only do my best. SOUND WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW Blackguards. RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2 [whisper] Heavy is good! Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation. I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay. 3_TALLYHO SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM Nothin. [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off. And ridin. FANSHAW [distant] Tally-ho! LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW Halloooooo! Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM What the devil? [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW [muffled noises] SOUND STRUGGLING GRISHAM Oh, no you don't! SOUND MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me. Long as I ignore it. But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW [noise of effort] GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey! You bit me! FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM Waitaminute. [disgusted noise] FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid-- [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW [noise of effort] SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM You're a-- ? FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM what the hell? A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet] They're coming! SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER [a bit superior] I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw. 6_PLAN DOS LEADER Shots? SECOND Sir? LEADER Damn. Someone has seen. Get El puerco and his fellows. Tell them plan dos. SECOND Plan dos, sir? LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town. We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND Yessir! SOUND RUNS OFF SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem! That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM [muttered] Damn. And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM [very quietly] 30...? Nearer fifty. That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND SHOTS! (where the horses went to) LEM [muttered to self] hold on. SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM [muttered] almost... GRISHAM There you are! LEM [sharp intake of breath] That don't work on me twice. Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n? Funny thing about that-- SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM Good riddance. And jest in time. SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING MaN [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines! More shot, boy! BOY Yessir! MAN [hit, argh!] COMMANDER Stay low! FANSHAW All seems rather well here. GRISHAM There you are. FANSHAW Bloody hell. GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND RELOADING SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM That's nine. SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone! They're circling round! There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM Damn. [listens for a second] Fanshaw? Damn. SCOTTY [yelling] Please! Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse. [chuckles] dead don't get hoarse. But I gotta get one. [clucks to horse] SOUND HORSE BLOWS LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle] Come on. FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem? LEM Wazzat? There you are! FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay. That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM Grisham? Yeah. FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well. The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM Good. Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW What message? LEM Just try and tell the boy. So he can rest hisself. [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW Scotty? Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable. They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND HORSE APPROACHING LEM [distant] Commander! COMMANDER Let him through. [up, to Lem] Looks like we've got nearly all of them. SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM [to horse] Whoah! I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind. COMMANDER My god! LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER You, boy! BOY Yessir? COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly! LEM You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts. My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM Sound thinkin. I have been going a bit. COMMANDER Corporal? CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW Lem? I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance. Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints. I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL Excellent! FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM Found you! FANSHAW Oh, damn! GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW [hits out] GRISHAM [ungh!] FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem. Too distracting. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly] Coward! But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM What? LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet. You hear me? GRISHAM [all the bluster gone] Yeah. LEM Good. I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM Hah! I still gotcha! LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up? CORPORAL [commanding] Men! SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS LEM [groan] SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR Bite down on this. He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them. You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister. You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet] Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM Good. I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages. Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say. I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin. FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly] Should I ...go? LEM Go? go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace. To rest. I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit] Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied] Good. FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW Oh. LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath] Yes. LEM [exasperated snort] Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW Yes. LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW So she did--? LEM [shrug] Yup. So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW I... don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants. FANSHAW What? END
In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design: Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson ------- No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder. Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon. MUSIC SOUND BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM Not much further now. SULLIVAN Excellent. I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN I've never been much of a horseman. And this is a fairish wagon. FANSHAW Garish, rather. LEM Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN Oh, yes. They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW Ah, rented. That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while. Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage. Everyone benefits. FANSHAW Actually, some of these murals are rather good. If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW [musing] King Lear. Julius Caeser. Romeo and Juliet. [chuckles] They seem to perform a lot of the classics. Shakespeare. LEM Mmm. FANSHAW Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM Hush. FANSHAW Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW Particularly while you cannot argue. As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN Oh, goodness! Look at that! LEM [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN That's an awfully steep hill up ahead. You think the wagon can manage it? LEM I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN "Doctor", please. I prefer it as an honorific. LEM [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN And a man of science as well. I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN Sorry. I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM Oh? SULLIVAN [defiant] I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM [choking back a cough] OH. FANSHAW Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA Bart! She swears she's being tormented. SOUND DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND Hysteria. You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA What do you want me to do? Lock her in a madhouse? She's my own flesh and blood! CARTLAND Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way. Nothing more. EMMA But what if it is something more? CARTLAND I got that well in hand. EMMA What? How? CARTLAND Don't go questioning me, woman. Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW [short bark of a laugh] LEM [dry] I reckon I do. SULLIVAN Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so. Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM Solomon. Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW Famous for his wise judgment. And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN What do you mean? LEM Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN I don't believe every soul lingers. Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW Oh, goodness. LEM Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW Which bible, precisely? LEM Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW Balderdash! Utter rubbish! LEM Looky there! That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA Melody? Are you feeling a little better? MELODY [sullen] I been bit. EMMA Bit? By what? A rat? MELODY Come and look. EMMA I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY No! EMMA Or open the shutters? MELODY No!! They don't like the light! I kin only open them at night. EMMA [very upset] oh. What can I do to help? MELODY [disheartened] Nothing. EMMA Are you hungry? There's some good stew. MELODY I can't. I just can't. EMMA Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM Mm? FANSHAW He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense. And purgatory! I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway. Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release. LEM How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW I believe the priests would tell them. It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM [laughs] Well. How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW [sigh] No. LEM Good. That's cleared up, then. Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon. MUSIC EMMA We need to send Melody somewhere. If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND Dammit woman. You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA Of course. [beat] Something bit her. CARTLAND Bit? Like a snake? EMMA The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND Oh, just spit it out. EMMA They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way. I'm not much of an outdoorsman. Or horseman. FANSHAW Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM Right happy to help. Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place? [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it? But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend? Get on in here! SULLIVAN [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM I'll look to your horses. You get along. SULLIVAN Excellent. FANSHAW I don't like him. LEM You don' like his views. FANSHAW They're gibberish! LEM 'Zat anythin like folderol? [serious] Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND GUN COCKS RED [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA But the bite! SULLIVAN A bite? EMMA She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW A bite? CARTLAND [suspicious] Really? EMMA See! SULLIVAN Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW [suspicious] Oh. Do tell? CARTLAND There's a simple answer for this. She bit her own damn self. She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA Never! Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND He shoulda! If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN Sir! I am well respected in-- CARTLAND [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper. EMMA But if it is something else? FANSHAW What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco. Which way do you prefer? She's your flesh and blood. SOUND BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY [screams] [BREAK] MUSIC RED What the hell are you doing here? LEM Do I... know you? RED Mebbe not, but I know you. You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED I'us there in Carson City. Five years ago. Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM [after a pause] And? RED Saw how fast y'are. Hmph. Used to be. LEM Mmm? RED [offended] You din't even see me comin. LEM My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND HAMMER EASES BACK RED You should vamoose. This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM You might wanna back off a piece. RED Whyzzat? Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel. RED You - what? [looking down, gasps] LEM Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND BACKS OFF SOUND HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM You look like a man that might could use a drink. MUSIC SOUND HORSES, BARN SOUND FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW I say, Lem? Are you alone? LEM Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW What do you really think of this fellow? LEM From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW Ye-ess. LEM I figger he's harmless. Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW Right. [beat] Do you ever wonder? LEM I wonder alla time. Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW About this. About spirits. About good and evil. LEM Never reckoned on em hitched like'at. FANSHAW You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM You havin a crisis of faith? I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose. LEM [teasing] So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW No. I don't know. LEM What brought all this on? FANSHAW From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM And? FANSHAW And? And what? LEM Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be. Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM We do whatever we gots to. SOUND FEET APPROACH RED [coming in] Kid! LEM [sigh] Just Lem, if'n you please. RED Oh, drat. Right. You done with them horses? LEM Tucked up tight. You ast about the job? FANSHAW Job? RED Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long. With all that's been a-going on-- LEM What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW Evil spirits. LEM Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED Come on, let's getcha some grub. Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND KITCHEN, EATING SOUND DOOR OPENS HANK Red. RED Hank. This is Lem. Come in with the doctor fella. LEM Hank. HANK You work for the reverend? RED He's-- LEM I work fer jest about anyone as needs me. Doctor needed a guide. RED Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK Did you tell him what's going on? What cleared us out? RED Here, have a plate of stew, Lem. I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED He actually saw it. LEM Saw what? HANK That girl. She's possessed! LEM Possessed of what? HANK No! Possessed! Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things. Ain't no other explanation? HANK What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM What were you doin' out? HANK [thrown off] What? I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM She a good-lookin' girl? Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK That ain't the point. I was off a ways and saw a light. It din't look natural. So I went closer to see. LEM How high's this window? HANK I don't know! Chest-high, I s'pose. But I sawr everything! [yarning] Right from the first, I was froze to the spot. Couldn't look away. In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM A bird? HANK No! A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM [mild amazement] Oh! HANK And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal. LEM Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK But it weren't natural! You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy. Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM Right. HANK You ain't a-scared? LEM I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things. Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh. Yerself? HANK I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what. One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED Ain't likely, Hank old hoss. You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND It's pure mulishness, is what it is. The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND Father's passed on. I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family. She gots to understand that. EMMA I still think-- CARTLAND Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW Hmm. And that man married yours. SULLIVAN Ah. I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK Well. SOUND SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK That hay won't pitch itself. Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM Lem. I-- RED I need him yet fer a mite. I'll send him along when we're through. LEM That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank. Turquoise? HANK Yup. LEM And silver. [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND WALKS OUT DOOR LEM Why d'you stay, Red? RED Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus. Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM You friends? RED Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands. But he's fair. Hard, but fair. LEM Now tell me. [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED I plumb don't feel it. Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here. You ken? LEM I reckon. RED It's like ... play actors. They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red. I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN Young lady? MELODY [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND It's the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA Husband! CARTLAND Go on then. Tell her. EMMA I'll open them shutters. MELODY No! EMMA Just a crack! It's fair dark in here! SOUND FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN Sir! I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA Please! CARTLAND [somewhat subdued] Go on. SULLIVAN Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you. What is your chief complaint? MELODY They never let me sleep! FANSHAW [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND Nor us out here! I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN [sharp] Shh! [calm] They? Who are "they"? MELODY You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND Hmph. SULLIVAN I believe a great many things. Pray, humor me. MELODY They come at night, and pinch me. Pinch my arms and legs - all over! And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND You bit your own damn self! MELODY [whimpers] SULLIVAN Sir! Would you be kind enough to leave? As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND Fine. Come on, woman. SOUND DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA Shouldn't I stay? For decency's sake? CARTLAND Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet. Whatcha think he might do? EMMA I suppose. MELODY I'll call if I need help! EMMA You do that. SOUND DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark. What'us the moon like? RED Middling, round about. LEM Hmm. And that'ud be the window? RED Yup. Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM [surprised] Oh! RED What? LEM Let's fade back a bit. Don't want anyone to spy us. RED Why? Mm? [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK] AMB OUTDOORS FANSHAW There you are! I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM I'm afeared so. RED That varmint! Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM She din't look "put out" to me. Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW [sarcastic] Oh. So you saw it too. How useful am I? LEM Mighty useful. [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them. Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW I tactfully took my leave. SOUND HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED Who in tarnation? Damn! LEM What? RED [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND TAP ON DOOR EMMA Doctor? Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN [within] Yes! Quite. SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN [within] I have all I need for the moment. SOUND DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA He had to step out. SULLIVAN [relieved] Ah. EMMA I have the guest room ready for you. Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN My--? Oh, yes. That fellow. My guide. SOUND STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA Is she... Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN I think this will take some time, but yes. I believe she can be saved. EMMA Saved? You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN [serious] She is. It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND [barely concealed hostility] Wishwell. WISHWELL Mr. Cartland. I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND What do you want? WISHWELL We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here. We decided to give him an escort. BAKER [a bit too much swagger] Yes, yes. Many thanks. You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND Who the devil are you? BAKER You sent for me. WISHWELL He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland. I'm right curious. BAKER That is between Mr. Cartland and myself. Are you waiting around for a reason? I could-- SOUND COINS RATTLE WISHWELL [civility slipping] No need, sir! I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND Yeah. Explain. BAKER [exasperated] Very well. I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB OUT BACK LEM Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM Biggest rat I seen recently. RED You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW Damn! LEM [calm] I just hear things. RED Oh. But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after. FANSHAW And the Wishwells just rode in. Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED Right. FANSHAW I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND YOU'RE the expert? Then who the devil we got inside? [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL [a bit worried] Really? Hmm. SOUND DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA What is it? Oh! Comp'ny! CARTLAND They ain't compny, they's Wishwells. Get that city slicker out here. We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat. He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM Hmm. SOUND FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city. BAKER Yes. Precisely. The "friends in passing". CARTLAND And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA Here he is. SULLIVAN You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN Two of who? BAKER Is that the imposter? EMMA What? RED It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom. RED You think there's gonna be a fight? Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt. But it might be something to see. LEM I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars. Happens all th'time. SOUND FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED Whazzat? LEM Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW Oh, there's the girl! SOUND BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER That hack cabal? They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition. I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN Infants! I'll have you know-- SOUND MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY Stop! Please! [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND What the devil? SULLIVAN Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA Yes! SOUND SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER Stay back! The girl is under attack. WISHWELL Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND Fit o' temper. Get up, girl! SOUND FEET ENTER LEM Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND Who the hell are you? Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM Something you need to know. FANSHAW Are you planning to tell him about the assignation? He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND I do what I gotta. FANSHAW Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND zat so? LEM I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle. I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND [interested] Really? LEM Yup. It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND [disbelieving] Really? LEM Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something? CARTLAND What you planning? LEM I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat. CARTLAND Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND Hmm... [chuckle] Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND [calmer] If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done? You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA Me? I-- but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA Oh. [pacing] Well. It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it. But it can't be easy on her, either. All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND Stick to the question at hand. EMMA You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA Oh. CARTLAND [almost gentle] I'm waiting. EMMA I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND Yes, yes. We're assuming. EMMA But what can we do for punishment? Lock her away? I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND What'choo think about schooling? EMMA What? CARTLAND Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch. We'll call it bail. EMMA It would keep her away from the Wishwells. And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND Us? EMMA [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN Really? How ...rustic BAKER You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk. Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER Oh yes? FANSHAW Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny. Did you really have one? LEM O'course. It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe. But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN Dangerous? LEM O'course. You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN [horrified] KILL? BAKER That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM Best ways are violent. You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it. FANSHAW Mention the flagellants in the bible. They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM Oh, I can do it. You two should oughta make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM I s'pose it depends. Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two. Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN [horrified] Oh no! I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss. BAKER As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN Let me try something else, first! I might have a way to-- LEM That's right fine. We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN No! It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW I take the hint. BAKER You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN Leave me alone for a minute! I have to - to pray! SOUND WALKS OFF FAST LEM [almost a chuckle] BAKER What got into him? FANSHAW I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK] EMMA They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND They don't think it will come to much. Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this. [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA [incredulous] Sounds like he--? How can you say that? CARTLAND [curt] I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic. EMMA You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt. You would have-- CARTLAND [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah. Now get out my way. I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED Lem, over here a minute. LEM [queit] Yeah? [up] Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight? BAKER And that charlatan? LEM Doctor Sullivan? You let me handle him. Oh, and - sunset. That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER Sunset? LEM So says my gran. BAKER Right. I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND BAKER WALKS OFF LEM Sorry about that. RED What are you up to? LEM Takin a tip from the bible. You with me? RED Spect so. WISHWELL Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN Melody? Melody? FANSHAW Hmph. Praying indeed. I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn't do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a razor. SULLIVAN Please, Mel, honey! SOUND TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY Wallace? You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW Wallace? SULLIVAN I had to come! Everything's falling apart. MELODY What do you mean? SULLIVAN They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you. Maybe bad. MELODY Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them. Can't you turn this? MELODY It's got away from me! What can I do? SULLIVAN Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY And then what? That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'? No chance of... us? I'll die first! SULLIVAN I'll try and come up with something. But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you. Please promise you will! MELODY [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL What you fixing to do, sir? LEM Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife. He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW Don't turn round. Sullivan is lurking. LEM [sigh] I hate to see anyone in pain. But sometimes, ain't no choice. If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out. I may have to shoot her. SOUND [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react] LEM [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though. I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die. [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND GUNS OUT WISHWELL [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND [off] I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND GUNS UP WISHWELL [forces laugh] We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland. Have you heard? This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND Well, something's gotta be done with the girl. FANSHAW Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW Ah. CARTLAND And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on. CARTLAND You do that. Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then. And I figure this way. If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too. Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY Wallace? FANSHAW [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND TAPPING LEM [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY Wallace? SOUND SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM You want to talk to me, girl. And you want to stay quiet. MELODY My sister is jest in the next room. LEM I know. And I ain't askin fer nothin improper. Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY Chance? Fer what? LEM Wallace. You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY We're in love. LEM You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY [teensy hesitation] Yes. LEM And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY He would. LEM And his pa out there? Mr. Wishwell? MELODY [gasp] You know? LEM I know a lotta things. F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night. MUSIC FANSHAW So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM I think they are. He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt. Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet. Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM 'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW Well, they both died. So I guess not. LEM Hmm. Plays. FANSHAW What are you thinking? LEM Well... I was playing at solomon. Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW [realizing] The real-- Yes! I've got it. Jolly clever. LEM I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND Can't be long now. EMMA You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND [gentle] Emma. He promised he wouldn't. We have to convince her he would, though. She gots to believe it. EMMA Why? CARTLAND If she's faking, she has to cry off. If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA Oh. I see. Thank you. CARTLAND [uncomfortable] Right. Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER Where is the girl? LEM She's a coming. SOUND DOOR OPENS LEM Speak of the devil. SOUND SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY Please! What are you going to do? SULLIVAN I protest! I don't think this is safe! LEM [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW The wishwells never went very far. Just out of sight, then circled back. They're behind the barn. LEM Good. FANSHAW Red appears to be in his allotted position. Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM Hmph. [up] Get on over here miss. MELODY I'm scared! CARTLAND It gots to be done. EMMA Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW No arguments? Hmm. I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY What is it you plan to do? LEM Gon' drive the evil sprits out. Need you to stand right here, miss. Don't move a muscle. You got me? MELODY Emma! I don't want to do this! EMMA Melody, there ain't no choice. Not no more. SULLIVAN I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY Dangerous? Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND FEET LEM Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY I'll do my best. SOUND GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY [screams!] [break?] EMMA Be careful! MELODY What did you do that for? LEM I'm shooting the ghosts. That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND GUNSHOT MELODY [gasp] You nearly hit me! FANSHAW The wishwells are getting closer. LEM Good. SOUND THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy [scream of pain!] EMMA What's that? You said you wouldn't hurt her! Is that blood? LEM That's jest splinters. Stay back. SOUND TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY [scream] SULLIVAN Nooooooooo! SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND GUNSHOT SULLIVAN [argh! Death rattle] MELODy [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW [dry] Two with one shot. Oh my. EMMA [screaming] SOUND RUNNING FEET LEM Mr. Cartland, hold your wife. Mr. Baker? BAKER [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM You got any doctoring? BAKER Yes, yes, of course. I'll check on them. WISHWELL [coming roaring in] Nooo! CARTLAND What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM Stay back, there. Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL Wallace! Damn you, you sidewinder! You are a dead man! SOUND GUNS DRAW WISHWELL You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM [Unconcerned] Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND What? WISHWELL You can go to blazes! LEM If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND That's who she wanted to marry? And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard. Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him. And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM Hush, now! Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids. Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND He ain't said they're dead. Doctor? BAKER [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL My son? Is he still with us? LEM Hold it. SOUND GUN COCKS WISHWELL You stay out my way. SOUND SHOTGUN RACKED RED I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND I'll go and-- RED No, sir. You wait too. With all due respect. LEM If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND They're too young. She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND I got plans for that half the ranch. I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age. Let you carry through your plans. EMMA None of this matters! Let me go to my sister! RED Lem? LEM Give em sumpin to live for, you two. Make this up. Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL You think that would help? LEM I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA Bart? Please let her, Bart! If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA There ain't no time fer writing now! [sharp] You say it! Both of you! CARTLAND Fine. Melody! If'n you can hear me, you listen. I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy. We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL Wallace? Fight Wallace! You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl! But you can have her if you want her. Izzat good? CARTLAND You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM That sounds fine. What you'all think? MELODY [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good. But I gotta have a real fine dress. Understand? EMMA [astonished] Melody? MELODY I'm all right. SULLIVAN We're both just fine. WISHWELL Well... Damn! CARTLAND All right, somebody better start explaining. RED Lem? Lem? MUSIC SOUND RIDING SLOWLY LEM Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW I do think it's best to get while the getting is good. Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW Whatever happened to Hank? LEM That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW Paid to tell a tale? LEM Ayup. FANSHAW Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step. I'm impressed. LEM What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM Mebbe just a little. [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW Oh, yes. School. LEM You gotta be the one in the dress? Like you were sayin? You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No. Actually, I often was the lead. I even played romeo. I was rather good at learning lines. Of course, someone always had to put on the dress. Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW No. It's just "theater." END
In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design: Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer: Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme: "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson ------- No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves. The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify. Some say he rides alone. That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder. Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon. MUSIC SOUND BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM Not much further now. SULLIVAN Excellent. I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN I've never been much of a horseman. And this is a fairish wagon. FANSHAW Garish, rather. LEM Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN Oh, yes. They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW Ah, rented. That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while. Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage. Everyone benefits. FANSHAW Actually, some of these murals are rather good. If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW [musing] King Lear. Julius Caeser. Romeo and Juliet. [chuckles] They seem to perform a lot of the classics. Shakespeare. LEM Mmm. FANSHAW Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM Hush. FANSHAW Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW Particularly while you cannot argue. As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN Oh, goodness! Look at that! LEM [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN That's an awfully steep hill up ahead. You think the wagon can manage it? LEM I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN "Doctor", please. I prefer it as an honorific. LEM [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN And a man of science as well. I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN Sorry. I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM Oh? SULLIVAN [defiant] I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM [choking back a cough] OH. FANSHAW Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA Bart! She swears she's being tormented. SOUND DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND Hysteria. You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA What do you want me to do? Lock her in a madhouse? She's my own flesh and blood! CARTLAND Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way. Nothing more. EMMA But what if it is something more? CARTLAND I got that well in hand. EMMA What? How? CARTLAND Don't go questioning me, woman. Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW [short bark of a laugh] LEM [dry] I reckon I do. SULLIVAN Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so. Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM Solomon. Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW Famous for his wise judgment. And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN What do you mean? LEM Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN I don't believe every soul lingers. Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW Oh, goodness. LEM Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW Which bible, precisely? LEM Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW Balderdash! Utter rubbish! LEM Looky there! That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA Melody? Are you feeling a little better? MELODY [sullen] I been bit. EMMA Bit? By what? A rat? MELODY Come and look. EMMA I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY No! EMMA Or open the shutters? MELODY No!! They don't like the light! I kin only open them at night. EMMA [very upset] oh. What can I do to help? MELODY [disheartened] Nothing. EMMA Are you hungry? There's some good stew. MELODY I can't. I just can't. EMMA Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM Mm? FANSHAW He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense. And purgatory! I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway. Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release. LEM How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW I believe the priests would tell them. It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM [laughs] Well. How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW [sigh] No. LEM Good. That's cleared up, then. Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon. MUSIC EMMA We need to send Melody somewhere. If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND Dammit woman. You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA Of course. [beat] Something bit her. CARTLAND Bit? Like a snake? EMMA The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND Oh, just spit it out. EMMA They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way. I'm not much of an outdoorsman. Or horseman. FANSHAW Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM Right happy to help. Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place? [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it? But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend? Get on in here! SULLIVAN [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM I'll look to your horses. You get along. SULLIVAN Excellent. FANSHAW I don't like him. LEM You don' like his views. FANSHAW They're gibberish! LEM 'Zat anythin like folderol? [serious] Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND GUN COCKS RED [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA But the bite! SULLIVAN A bite? EMMA She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW A bite? CARTLAND [suspicious] Really? EMMA See! SULLIVAN Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW [suspicious] Oh. Do tell? CARTLAND There's a simple answer for this. She bit her own damn self. She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA Never! Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND He shoulda! If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN Sir! I am well respected in-- CARTLAND [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper. EMMA But if it is something else? FANSHAW What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco. Which way do you prefer? She's your flesh and blood. SOUND BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY [screams] [BREAK] MUSIC RED What the hell are you doing here? LEM Do I... know you? RED Mebbe not, but I know you. You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED I'us there in Carson City. Five years ago. Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM [after a pause] And? RED Saw how fast y'are. Hmph. Used to be. LEM Mmm? RED [offended] You din't even see me comin. LEM My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND HAMMER EASES BACK RED You should vamoose. This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM You might wanna back off a piece. RED Whyzzat? Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel. RED You - what? [looking down, gasps] LEM Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND BACKS OFF SOUND HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM You look like a man that might could use a drink. MUSIC SOUND HORSES, BARN SOUND FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW I say, Lem? Are you alone? LEM Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW What do you really think of this fellow? LEM From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW Ye-ess. LEM I figger he's harmless. Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW Right. [beat] Do you ever wonder? LEM I wonder alla time. Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW About this. About spirits. About good and evil. LEM Never reckoned on em hitched like'at. FANSHAW You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM You havin a crisis of faith? I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose. LEM [teasing] So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW No. I don't know. LEM What brought all this on? FANSHAW From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM And? FANSHAW And? And what? LEM Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be. Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM We do whatever we gots to. SOUND FEET APPROACH RED [coming in] Kid! LEM [sigh] Just Lem, if'n you please. RED Oh, drat. Right. You done with them horses? LEM Tucked up tight. You ast about the job? FANSHAW Job? RED Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long. With all that's been a-going on-- LEM What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW Evil spirits. LEM Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED Come on, let's getcha some grub. Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND KITCHEN, EATING SOUND DOOR OPENS HANK Red. RED Hank. This is Lem. Come in with the doctor fella. LEM Hank. HANK You work for the reverend? RED He's-- LEM I work fer jest about anyone as needs me. Doctor needed a guide. RED Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK Did you tell him what's going on? What cleared us out? RED Here, have a plate of stew, Lem. I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED He actually saw it. LEM Saw what? HANK That girl. She's possessed! LEM Possessed of what? HANK No! Possessed! Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things. Ain't no other explanation? HANK What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM What were you doin' out? HANK [thrown off] What? I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM She a good-lookin' girl? Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK That ain't the point. I was off a ways and saw a light. It din't look natural. So I went closer to see. LEM How high's this window? HANK I don't know! Chest-high, I s'pose. But I sawr everything! [yarning] Right from the first, I was froze to the spot. Couldn't look away. In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM A bird? HANK No! A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM [mild amazement] Oh! HANK And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal. LEM Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK But it weren't natural! You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy. Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM Right. HANK You ain't a-scared? LEM I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things. Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh. Yerself? HANK I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what. One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED Ain't likely, Hank old hoss. You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND It's pure mulishness, is what it is. The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND Father's passed on. I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family. She gots to understand that. EMMA I still think-- CARTLAND Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW Hmm. And that man married yours. SULLIVAN Ah. I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK Well. SOUND SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK That hay won't pitch itself. Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM Lem. I-- RED I need him yet fer a mite. I'll send him along when we're through. LEM That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank. Turquoise? HANK Yup. LEM And silver. [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND WALKS OUT DOOR LEM Why d'you stay, Red? RED Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus. Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM You friends? RED Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands. But he's fair. Hard, but fair. LEM Now tell me. [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED I plumb don't feel it. Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here. You ken? LEM I reckon. RED It's like ... play actors. They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red. I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN Young lady? MELODY [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND It's the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA Husband! CARTLAND Go on then. Tell her. EMMA I'll open them shutters. MELODY No! EMMA Just a crack! It's fair dark in here! SOUND FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN Sir! I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA Please! CARTLAND [somewhat subdued] Go on. SULLIVAN Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you. What is your chief complaint? MELODY They never let me sleep! FANSHAW [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND Nor us out here! I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN [sharp] Shh! [calm] They? Who are "they"? MELODY You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND Hmph. SULLIVAN I believe a great many things. Pray, humor me. MELODY They come at night, and pinch me. Pinch my arms and legs - all over! And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND You bit your own damn self! MELODY [whimpers] SULLIVAN Sir! Would you be kind enough to leave? As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND Fine. Come on, woman. SOUND DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA Shouldn't I stay? For decency's sake? CARTLAND Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet. Whatcha think he might do? EMMA I suppose. MELODY I'll call if I need help! EMMA You do that. SOUND DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark. What'us the moon like? RED Middling, round about. LEM Hmm. And that'ud be the window? RED Yup. Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM [surprised] Oh! RED What? LEM Let's fade back a bit. Don't want anyone to spy us. RED Why? Mm? [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK] AMB OUTDOORS FANSHAW There you are! I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM I'm afeared so. RED That varmint! Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM She din't look "put out" to me. Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW [sarcastic] Oh. So you saw it too. How useful am I? LEM Mighty useful. [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them. Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW I tactfully took my leave. SOUND HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED Who in tarnation? Damn! LEM What? RED [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND TAP ON DOOR EMMA Doctor? Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN [within] Yes! Quite. SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN [within] I have all I need for the moment. SOUND DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA He had to step out. SULLIVAN [relieved] Ah. EMMA I have the guest room ready for you. Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN My--? Oh, yes. That fellow. My guide. SOUND STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA Is she... Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN I think this will take some time, but yes. I believe she can be saved. EMMA Saved? You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN [serious] She is. It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND [barely concealed hostility] Wishwell. WISHWELL Mr. Cartland. I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND What do you want? WISHWELL We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here. We decided to give him an escort. BAKER [a bit too much swagger] Yes, yes. Many thanks. You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND Who the devil are you? BAKER You sent for me. WISHWELL He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland. I'm right curious. BAKER That is between Mr. Cartland and myself. Are you waiting around for a reason? I could-- SOUND COINS RATTLE WISHWELL [civility slipping] No need, sir! I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND Yeah. Explain. BAKER [exasperated] Very well. I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB OUT BACK LEM Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM Biggest rat I seen recently. RED You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW Damn! LEM [calm] I just hear things. RED Oh. But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after. FANSHAW And the Wishwells just rode in. Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED Right. FANSHAW I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND YOU'RE the expert? Then who the devil we got inside? [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL [a bit worried] Really? Hmm. SOUND DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA What is it? Oh! Comp'ny! CARTLAND They ain't compny, they's Wishwells. Get that city slicker out here. We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat. He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM Hmm. SOUND FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city. BAKER Yes. Precisely. The "friends in passing". CARTLAND And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA Here he is. SULLIVAN You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN Two of who? BAKER Is that the imposter? EMMA What? RED It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom. RED You think there's gonna be a fight? Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt. But it might be something to see. LEM I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars. Happens all th'time. SOUND FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED Whazzat? LEM Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW Oh, there's the girl! SOUND BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER That hack cabal? They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition. I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN Infants! I'll have you know-- SOUND MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY Stop! Please! [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND What the devil? SULLIVAN Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA Yes! SOUND SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER Stay back! The girl is under attack. WISHWELL Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND Fit o' temper. Get up, girl! SOUND FEET ENTER LEM Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND Who the hell are you? Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM Something you need to know. FANSHAW Are you planning to tell him about the assignation? He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND I do what I gotta. FANSHAW Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND zat so? LEM I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle. I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND [interested] Really? LEM Yup. It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND [disbelieving] Really? LEM Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something? CARTLAND What you planning? LEM I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat. CARTLAND Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND Hmm... [chuckle] Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND [calmer] If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done? You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA Me? I-- but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA Oh. [pacing] Well. It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it. But it can't be easy on her, either. All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND Stick to the question at hand. EMMA You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA Oh. CARTLAND [almost gentle] I'm waiting. EMMA I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND Yes, yes. We're assuming. EMMA But what can we do for punishment? Lock her away? I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND What'choo think about schooling? EMMA What? CARTLAND Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch. We'll call it bail. EMMA It would keep her away from the Wishwells. And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND Us? EMMA [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN Really? How ...rustic BAKER You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk. Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER Oh yes? FANSHAW Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny. Did you really have one? LEM O'course. It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe. But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN Dangerous? LEM O'course. You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN [horrified] KILL? BAKER That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM Best ways are violent. You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it. FANSHAW Mention the flagellants in the bible. They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM Oh, I can do it. You two should oughta make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM I s'pose it depends. Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two. Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN [horrified] Oh no! I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss. BAKER As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN Let me try something else, first! I might have a way to-- LEM That's right fine. We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN No! It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW I take the hint. BAKER You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN Leave me alone for a minute! I have to - to pray! SOUND WALKS OFF FAST LEM [almost a chuckle] BAKER What got into him? FANSHAW I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK] EMMA They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND They don't think it will come to much. Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this. [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA [incredulous] Sounds like he--? How can you say that? CARTLAND [curt] I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic. EMMA You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt. You would have-- CARTLAND [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah. Now get out my way. I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED Lem, over here a minute. LEM [queit] Yeah? [up] Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight? BAKER And that charlatan? LEM Doctor Sullivan? You let me handle him. Oh, and - sunset. That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER Sunset? LEM So says my gran. BAKER Right. I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND BAKER WALKS OFF LEM Sorry about that. RED What are you up to? LEM Takin a tip from the bible. You with me? RED Spect so. WISHWELL Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN Melody? Melody? FANSHAW Hmph. Praying indeed. I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn't do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a razor. SULLIVAN Please, Mel, honey! SOUND TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY Wallace? You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW Wallace? SULLIVAN I had to come! Everything's falling apart. MELODY What do you mean? SULLIVAN They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you. Maybe bad. MELODY Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them. Can't you turn this? MELODY It's got away from me! What can I do? SULLIVAN Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY And then what? That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'? No chance of... us? I'll die first! SULLIVAN I'll try and come up with something. But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you. Please promise you will! MELODY [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL What you fixing to do, sir? LEM Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife. He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW Don't turn round. Sullivan is lurking. LEM [sigh] I hate to see anyone in pain. But sometimes, ain't no choice. If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out. I may have to shoot her. SOUND [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react] LEM [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though. I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die. [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND GUNS OUT WISHWELL [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND [off] I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND GUNS UP WISHWELL [forces laugh] We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland. Have you heard? This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND Well, something's gotta be done with the girl. FANSHAW Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW Ah. CARTLAND And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on. CARTLAND You do that. Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then. And I figure this way. If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too. Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY Wallace? FANSHAW [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND TAPPING LEM [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY Wallace? SOUND SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM You want to talk to me, girl. And you want to stay quiet. MELODY My sister is jest in the next room. LEM I know. And I ain't askin fer nothin improper. Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY Chance? Fer what? LEM Wallace. You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY We're in love. LEM You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY [teensy hesitation] Yes. LEM And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY He would. LEM And his pa out there? Mr. Wishwell? MELODY [gasp] You know? LEM I know a lotta things. F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night. MUSIC FANSHAW So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM I think they are. He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt. Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet. Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM 'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW Well, they both died. So I guess not. LEM Hmm. Plays. FANSHAW What are you thinking? LEM Well... I was playing at solomon. Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW [realizing] The real-- Yes! I've got it. Jolly clever. LEM I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND Can't be long now. EMMA You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND [gentle] Emma. He promised he wouldn't. We have to convince her he would, though. She gots to believe it. EMMA Why? CARTLAND If she's faking, she has to cry off. If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA Oh. I see. Thank you. CARTLAND [uncomfortable] Right. Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER Where is the girl? LEM She's a coming. SOUND DOOR OPENS LEM Speak of the devil. SOUND SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY Please! What are you going to do? SULLIVAN I protest! I don't think this is safe! LEM [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW The wishwells never went very far. Just out of sight, then circled back. They're behind the barn. LEM Good. FANSHAW Red appears to be in his allotted position. Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM Hmph. [up] Get on over here miss. MELODY I'm scared! CARTLAND It gots to be done. EMMA Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW No arguments? Hmm. I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY What is it you plan to do? LEM Gon' drive the evil sprits out. Need you to stand right here, miss. Don't move a muscle. You got me? MELODY Emma! I don't want to do this! EMMA Melody, there ain't no choice. Not no more. SULLIVAN I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY Dangerous? Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND FEET LEM Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY I'll do my best. SOUND GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY [screams!] [break?] EMMA Be careful! MELODY What did you do that for? LEM I'm shooting the ghosts. That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND GUNSHOT MELODY [gasp] You nearly hit me! FANSHAW The wishwells are getting closer. LEM Good. SOUND THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy [scream of pain!] EMMA What's that? You said you wouldn't hurt her! Is that blood? LEM That's jest splinters. Stay back. SOUND TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY [scream] SULLIVAN Nooooooooo! SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND GUNSHOT SULLIVAN [argh! Death rattle] MELODy [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW [dry] Two with one shot. Oh my. EMMA [screaming] SOUND RUNNING FEET LEM Mr. Cartland, hold your wife. Mr. Baker? BAKER [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM You got any doctoring? BAKER Yes, yes, of course. I'll check on them. WISHWELL [coming roaring in] Nooo! CARTLAND What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM Stay back, there. Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL Wallace! Damn you, you sidewinder! You are a dead man! SOUND GUNS DRAW WISHWELL You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM [Unconcerned] Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND What? WISHWELL You can go to blazes! LEM If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND That's who she wanted to marry? And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard. Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him. And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM Hush, now! Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids. Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND He ain't said they're dead. Doctor? BAKER [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL My son? Is he still with us? LEM Hold it. SOUND GUN COCKS WISHWELL You stay out my way. SOUND SHOTGUN RACKED RED I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND I'll go and-- RED No, sir. You wait too. With all due respect. LEM If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND They're too young. She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND I got plans for that half the ranch. I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age. Let you carry through your plans. EMMA None of this matters! Let me go to my sister! RED Lem? LEM Give em sumpin to live for, you two. Make this up. Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL You think that would help? LEM I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA Bart? Please let her, Bart! If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA There ain't no time fer writing now! [sharp] You say it! Both of you! CARTLAND Fine. Melody! If'n you can hear me, you listen. I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy. We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL Wallace? Fight Wallace! You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl! But you can have her if you want her. Izzat good? CARTLAND You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM That sounds fine. What you'all think? MELODY [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good. But I gotta have a real fine dress. Understand? EMMA [astonished] Melody? MELODY I'm all right. SULLIVAN We're both just fine. WISHWELL Well... Damn! CARTLAND All right, somebody better start explaining. RED Lem? Lem? MUSIC SOUND RIDING SLOWLY LEM Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW I do think it's best to get while the getting is good. Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW Whatever happened to Hank? LEM That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW Paid to tell a tale? LEM Ayup. FANSHAW Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step. I'm impressed. LEM What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM Mebbe just a little. [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW Oh, yes. School. LEM You gotta be the one in the dress? Like you were sayin? You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No. Actually, I often was the lead. I even played romeo. I was rather good at learning lines. Of course, someone always had to put on the dress. Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW No. It's just "theater." END
"The Wolf Boy" Airdate: October 12, 1975 Written by Jerry London Directed by Judy Burns Synopsis: Steve travels into the wild with his friend Kurota to find a feral child believed to be the son of a dead diplomat. John and Jerry are joined by guest Julie Hoverson 19 Nocturne Boulevard. Together, they discuss the phenomenon of finding feral children in media including Lucan, the continuing story of Fujiota, and play a game of This or That. Join us Sunday nights at 7:00ET as we discuss an episode of THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN and Wednesday nights at 7:00ET as we discuss an episode of THE BIONIC WOMAN with a fan as well as featuring live commentary from our viewers. Bionic Operative Julie Hoverson
Even in the middle of a blizzard, Lem and Fanshaw find someone in need of help - outlaws have taken over a Quaker hostel, holding the proprietress' children hostage. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts / Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Don Phelps - Reynaud LeBoeuf Randall Cullom - J.D. Lloyd Garrett Cullom - Shawn Connor Burden Fayette - Beverly Poole Will Fayette - Glen Hallstrom Fayette Children - Al Aseoche, Krystal Baker, Molly Tollefson, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's the middle of a blizzard, can't you tell?" ********************************************************* HOSTEL TERRITORY Cast: Olivia Lemuel Roberts, the Kid Clarence Fanshaw, the sidekkick THE FAMILY Burden Fayette, the woman Faith, Hope, Fortitude, Courage, and Pious, the children Will Fayette, the dead husband Valor, the dog THE OUTLAWS Don Phelps, the leader Randall Cullom, the rabid one Garret Collum, the dying one OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the only building for miles in a blizzard, can't you tell? Good thing it's a hostelry. 1 INCOMING SOUND BLIZZARD SOUND HORSES AND MAN WADE THROUGH SNOW FANSHAW [not cold] Not much further. LEMUEL [very cold] You been saying that fer the last hour. FANSHAW And you've kept walking. If you look up, you can see the light from the window. LEMUEL And get a snootful of frozen sleet? No thank you very much. Is there a barn? FANSHAW Yes. It's a bit closer, why? LEMUEL These here horses'll drop afore I do. Need to get 'em inside. VALOR [distant howl] FANSHAW I'll go and see if it's unlocked, then, shall I? 2_INSIDE MUSIC AMBIANCE INSIDE, BLIZZARD STILL RAGES OUTSIDE SOUND DOOR CLOSES, WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS DON Well? BURDEN [quiet] He ain't doing too well, but I think he'll pull through. RANDALL You think? BURDEN [sharp] My husband was the one with some doctoring. I am doin what I can. DON You best keep on. [threat] Them children o'yours depend on you. BURDEN [almost breaking] I know. SOUND BABY CRIES, NEARBY 3_BARN MUSIC AMBIANCE INSIDE THE BARN - CLOSER TO THE STORM SOUND HORSES BLOW, RUBBING SOUNDS LEMUEL [to horses, and self] It ain't much, but leastways it's above freezin in here. FANSHAW [coming on] I've taken the liberty of looking around, Lemuel. It is a hostel, so you're very lucky on that count. I haven't been inside, but a peek through the windows shows they're sitting down to dinner even as we speak. LEMUEL [almost drooling] Dinner. Mebbe even coffee. VALOR [distant but approaching - insistent barking] FANSHAW Perhaps, but-- LEMUEL How could anyone leave a good dog out on a night like this? FANSHAW You're certain it's not a wolf or a coyotay? LEMUEL You mean a kai-yote? You could try to speak normal from time to time, y'know. Nah. Neither o'them barks like that. That's a hound, right enough. FANSHAW Your guns? LEMUEL What about em? FANSHAW The hostel sign shows they're quakers. They do not allow guns in the house. LEMUEL Idjits. Fine. I'll cache em here somewheres. SOUND RUSTLING VALOR [coming on, barking and panting, doesn't seem at all cold] FANSHAW Oh, I say. LEMUEL That explains a lot. You look after 'em. I got t'get inside and get around some grub. FANSHAW Right-ho. Here boy. There's a good dog. VALOR [enjoys the petting, then barks a couple of times] 4 DINNER MUSIC SOUND TWO TIN PLATES AND FORKS BURDEN I haven't spoken grace yet! DON Grace yourself, woman. We're hungry. BURDEN For what we are about to receive, let the lord make us thankful. Amen ALL CHILDREN Amen. SOUND POUNDING ON THE DOOR BURDEN [gasps, almost a scream] CHILDREN [also react] RANDELL Shut up! Tell em to go 'way. BURDEN We are a stage stop - we have to take folks. DON Not tonight. Go on. SOUND CHAIR, WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS, KNOCK ON DOOR AGAIN BURDEN But if I send them away, they might could make it to Corvel in the valley, and tell folks--. RANDALL We can't have no one-- BURDEN Even on a night like this, the sheriff would-- DON Let 'em in. [threat] We can deal with 'em, if'n we have to. SOUND BAR REMOVED FROM DOOR, DOOR OPENS, LEM'S STEPS COME IN BURDEN [as if trying to tell him something] Sorry about the wait, stranger - things are a mite rough here right now. DON [saccharine] Never mind, dearest-- BURDEN [gasp] DON Bring the gentleman on in. LEMUEL I hope you don' mind - I already bunked my horses in the stables. PIOUS What he say? RANDALL [hissed] You'll keep shut if you know what's good fer you. SOUND WOMAN'S BOOTS RUN TO TABLE BURDEN Shh. Shh, Pious, honey. SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, MAN TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS DON Children. [forced chuckle] You got to take a firm hand with them. I'm Don Phelps, the proprietor here, and this here's my wife, [hint hint] right dear? BURDEN [quiet] Yes. RANDALL But-- DON And this here's her brother, Randall - he helps us around the place. [beat] We don't see many travelers in weather like this. LEMUEL [playing a bit dumb] Reckon not. Well, I'm right lucky you're here, and, ma'am, I am pert near faintin with rapture at the smell o'your cookin - can you make some room at that table, with all them young'uns? BURDEN Always room. And they's always food. LEMUEL I should oughta tell you - I had to leave a parcel of my goods out in the woods, since the horses was flaggin. I kin go back fer it once the sky clears a bit, but all my money's in there. RANDALL [too quick] How much? DON Ssh. I kin see right well this feller's good fer the cost of a room and grub, even if the snow carries on fer a mite longer. GARRETT [off, muffled groan] RANDALL Garry! What's agoin on with him--? DON Hesh now, Randall. Woman, you go and look in on [emphasized] your other ailing brother. I'll serve this good feller. SOUND AFTER A SLIGHT HESITATION, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS DON Well sir, we've got some good stew here, a load of turnips, and bread and butter. FANSHAW Lem, there is something very much not right here. LEMUEL Reckon I'll take whatever you got to spare. FANSHAW I know you won't be able to reply to anything I say, but-- DON You tuck in, and I spect that tomorrow, once it clears some, my brother-in-law here and I would be happy to help you go and get your ... goods. How far out was you when you had to unburden yourself? FANSHAW Goods? LEMUEL Coupla hours back - so might coulda been a few miles, depending on how much headway we made. I kin find it again, though I doubt me anyone else could - I hid it real good. [chuckles] FANSHAW Ah. I see you don't need me to tell you these fellows are up to no good. And carrying weapons - no quakers, these. LEMUEL What's wrong with your friend in the back? RANDALL None o' your goddamned-- DON Randall! Not in front of the children! He slid on some ice and broke his leg real bad. FANSHAW Funny - I took a look back there, and I never saw a broken leg that required a bloody bandage to the chest before. LEMUEL Hmm. That's a real bad one. VALOR [Whines] FANSHAW Shh. I know how frustrating it can be to smell food and not be able to have any. Believe me, boy. DON What do you do, stranger? LEMUEL [swallows hard, then] I - well, see, I'm a‑‑ FANSHAW Courier? LEMUEL --a courier. Carrying important packages fer -- gold mining concerns. VALOR [whining, tugging] FANSHAW What is it? You can't-- VALOR [almost growling as he tugs] RANDALL Gold mining? FANSHAW I swear that man's eyes just lit up like the footlights at the Tivoli. VALOR [GROWLING, getting intense] FANSHAW Damn. Lem, the dog's not going to let up until I see what he wants to show me. [going off] I shall return shortly. LEMUEL Bet them kids are a good lot of help running a hostel and all. DON Not so much as you'd think. I'm only their step-daddy, you see, so they ain't taken to me much yet. LEMUEL Ahh. At's a hard row to hoe. SOUND DOOR OPENS, WOMAN COMES BACK, APPROACHES SLOWLY BURDEN [whispering] I finally managed to stop the bleedin. LEMUEL Bleedin? [low whistle] That's a bad break and no mistake. DON Yes. Yes 'tis. [to Burden] Well, that's good, then. Sit and eat. BURDEN I need to get the children to bed. RANDALL No way, you-- DON Shh. Don't you have no hospitality in you, woman? Them kids can see to themselves while you stay here and keep us all comp'ny. BURDEN Come here, y'all. A kiss goodnight then you run along. FAITH Mama-- BURDEN Shh. You look after the little ones, Faith. SOUND KISS ON THE FOREHEAD HOPE [in tears, but quiet] I don't wanna--! BURDEN You have to, Hope, sweetie. SOUND KISS ON THE FOREHEAD RANDALL Oh, get on with it. Are they like this every damn night? DON [forced chuckle] He's just arrived fer a visit. These cowhands - not used to family living. LEMUEL I'm purty much the same. FORTITUDE Mama. SOUND KISS ON THE FOREHEAD BURDEN Don't you forget your prayers just cause we have guests in the house, Fortitude. FORTITUDE Yes, mama. RANDALL Well, I gots to take myself outside for a bit. Y'all'll be all right without me? BURDEN The outhouse is-- RANDALL This kind of weather, I ain't troublin to go that far. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR, BLIZZARD UP, DOOR SHUTS COURAGE [whimper] BURDEN Have courage, Courage. SOUND KISS ON THE FOREHEAD DON Them names these children have. LEMUEL Nothing wrong with good sound virtues. SOUND KISS ON THE FOREHEAD BURDEN Now, Courage, you take Pious by the hand and all ya'll run along t' bed. Hope, take baby Humility-- DON Baby can stay. BURDEN [gasps] DON They're too young to look after him. Sides, he's sleeping. BURDEN You... y'all go on up, now. SOUND PATTER OF FOOTSTEPS GOING UPSTAIRS BURDEN I'll be listenin fer your prayers! [breaking slightly] I - I love y'all! VALOR [distant mournful howl] 5 OUT BACK MUSIC SOUND BLIZZARD VALOR [Howling mournfully] FANSHAW Bloody dog. If you weren't a good solid dark color, I would have lost you long ago. So what is it, boy? Hmm? [horrified and stunned] Oh. My word. 6_PLAIN FARE MUSIC AMBIANCE INSIDE, BLIZZARD IN BACKGROUND LEMUEL Well, ma'am, I must say that's the best meal I've aten in quite some time. BURDEN [pleased] Plain fare. We weren't expectin no one. LEMUEL Plain fare's the best. Hits the spot. DON Randall's been gone a damn long time. Where could he'a got to? BURDEN You want I should go an' check? DON [sharp] No! [chuckles insincerely, softens] I mean, no, dear. Why donch you come and sit by me? SOUND HAND PATS CHAIR, RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS, CHAIR SQUEAK DON If Randall cain't find his own way back from relievin hisself, well, mebbe he deserves to have it freeze and snap off. LEMUEL I can go and look? I should cast an eye over my horses, make sure they're warmin up. DON Um... Certainly, certainly. That sounds just fine. LEMUEL Be right back. [goodbye] Ma'am. SOUND BOOTS, DOOR OPENS 7 BRAVING THE STORM SOUND BLIZZARD UP SOUND DOOR CLOSES, BOOTS IN SNOW FANSHAW Lemuel, something terrible is happening here. You must come see-- SOUND DOOR OPENS DON [shouting very loud] You bring Randall on back here the minute you find him, eh, stranger? LEMUEL A'course. SOUND DOOR SHUTS LEMUEL [low] No chance of sneaking up on that kai-yote while he's rifling my saddlebags now, is there? FANSHAW Oh, yes, I forgot to mention-- LEMUEL That's not what you wanted me to--? FANSHAW He didn't find your guns, but he's still in the barn. Come along, this way. 8 BACK INSIDE MUSIC AMBIANCE INSIDE SOUND DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS RANDALL Colder than a witches-- DON Where the hell were you? That stranger went a'looking fer you - didn't you see him? RANDALL Nope. Mebbe he got lost. DON Well, that won't get us his goods, will it? We can search from now to kingdom come and-- RANDALL Keep yer shirt on. [leering] At least fer now, eh, wifey? BURDEN [sharp intake of breath] RANDALL [grumbling] And you told the fellow I'us her brother just so's you could get a leg up-- DON You should go find that feller. We cain't let him get to thinkin there's anythin wrong. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR UNLATCHES DON Oh, and - was there anything int'resting in his saddlebags? RANDALL [grunt of annoyance] Not much. Mostly what you'd expect. DON Mostly? RANDALL Well, there was this metal jar might be worth a few bucks. But it wouldn't open. And was right heavy. [shrugs] Figured if'n we decide it's worth it, we can lift it later with the rest of his kit. 9 _ THE BODIES MUSIC FANSHAW Just a bit farther. LEMUEL [snort] Like I haven't heered that before. VALOR [bark, panting] FANSHAW Watch where you step. LEMUEL Blood? FANSHAW Well, snow certainly doesn't usually come in that color. SOUND BRUSHING AWAY SNOW LEMUEL It's fresh - no more'n a couple hours old. FANSHAW The - source - is just ahead of you. LEMUEL Hmm? Ah, hell. Who's he? FANSHAW I suspect we have here this poor fellow's master. And just to your right-- LEMUEL Yep. The man'us kilt outright - shot through the head like that don't leave you moving much. FANSHAW But - the blood trail? LEMUEL That's your amigo there. Looks like even gut shot, he was tryin to go and get hep. FANSHAW Did he freeze? LEMUEL I hope so - I heer it hurts some less than a gunshot. But froze or bled out, he probably passed right about when we first heered him. FANSHAW Poor fellow. LEMUEL I swear'n he's the first animal spirit I've ever come upon-- Master around anywhere's? FANSHAW I'll take a look. DON [off, calling] Stranger? You lost? LEMUEL Damn. See if you can pick up anythin. I'll circle round so's they cain't see I was out this way. FANSHAW Righty-ho. Be careful, Lem. LEMUEL Like a cowhand in his best boots. SOUND FOOTSTEPS OFF THROUGH SNOW A1 LEM RETURNS MUSIC AMB INSIDE. BURDEN [fretting] I should check on the children. RANDALL They're fine. Why'n't you give me a big kiss, li'l lady, while we have a chance to be on our lonesome. BURDEN I will not. RANDALL [snort] Won't kiss me? You'll do more'n that 'fore we hit the trail again, and having all them children, I'll bet you know jest what I mean... BURDEN I am a righteous woman! You can't-- RANDALL Righteous or not, the parts all work the same. SOUND SLIGHT STRUGGLE SOUND DOOR OPENS DON What'n hell you up to, Randall? We agreed-- RANDALL You agreed. I ain't had much choice. DON If that feller walks in and sees this - RANDALL I say we tie em both up, take what we want, and forget all this folderol. DON Have you looked in that feller's eyes? He ain't the kind o' man to give in, even tied up and beaten. We gotta pull the wool over his eyes, but good. Shh! SOUND BOOTS UP ONTO PORCH, STOMP OFF SNOW. DOOR OPENS SOUND BURDEN PULLS FREE OF RANDALL, DASHES TO LEM BURDEN [trying badly to sound normal] Let me hep you with yer coat. We thought you mighta got lost. [whispered] be careful. LEMUEL Nah, Jest took the long road back, by way of the convenience - seemed logical, since I was already out in it. [whispered] I know. BURDEN [normal tone, startled] You--? LEMUEL Hold on, let me shake the snow out the door. [whispered] I won't put you or your brood in danger if'n I can hep it. BURDEN Thank you kindly. RANDALL [teasing] I do believe he's trying to make time with your wife, Don. DON Oh shut up, ya pillock. Can we getcha anythin' else stranger? GARRETT [coming on, yawning] Oh, boy do I feel a heap better. How about some grub? LEMUEL [muttered] Damn. A2 FANSHAW AND VALOR MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE FANSHAW Hello? Are you here? Hmm. Hey boy! Find your master! Can you do that? VALOR [panting, one bark, then a slurp] FANSHAW Good boy! A3 GARRETT MUSIC AMB INSIDE GARRETT Randall? What's a'goin on? RANDALL I spect we oughtta get you up to yer room fer the night, eh stranger? GARRETT Randell! Dammit! SOUND DOOR, FOOTSTEPS BURDEN Pardon me, but we can't really go on calling you stranger, can we? You're our guest now. LEMUEL [thinks for a moment] Lemuel Roberts. RANDELL The Deadeye Kid? SOUND SLAP AND DRAW LEMUEL [quizzical] Who? GARRETT The Deadeye Kid! Ain't that just-- DON Stand up and show me yer hands. SOUND CREAK OF CHAIR, COAT BEING LIFTED DON You never heered of the Deadeye Kid? LEMUEL He an outlaw? GARRETT He's a gunslinger. RANDELL [disbelieving noise] He's just one of the meanest hombres out there. Kilt over 30 men they say - all showdowns. LEMUEL [chuckles] I look like that kind of feller? DON A bit, around the eyes. GARRETT Funny - he din't actually say he weren't the Kid. Ask him again. DON Well, at least you ain't strapped now. That's fine. Randall, you gotta jug on you? BURDEN [gasps, then smothers it] SOUND POP OF CORK, LIQUID POURS RANDELL Here's hoping the snow runs away fast as a redcoat regiment. GARRETT What's wrong? Why won't you ask him? LEMUEL Sounds good. SOUND DRINKING A3 KITCHEN MUSIC AMB INSIDE, BUT NOT THE SAME ROOM VALOR [bark, bark] FANSHAW [coming on] In here? Aha! Sir? WILL Who the hell are you? Another one of my wife's men? FANSHAW What? WILL The way she's carrying on out there - Them fellers are just about having their way with her-- FANSHAW "Them fellers" killed you, sir, and your good lady is in there trying to keep them from doing the same to your children. WILL O'course you would say that - fancy pants like you, she'd be kissing your feet. FANSHAW [long breath out] I am going to ask you one time, sir - do you have a weapon here somewhere that might help us? WILL Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you? Take a man's own shotgun, poke his wife, and dance on his grave, eh? Well, Bessie is well hidden. You won't never find her - let the bitch and her bastard whelps die. SOUND HARD PUNCH WILL Hey! FANSHAW So sorry, usually I would warn a gentleman before striking him. WILL You bastard! SOUND COUPLE OF JABS FANSHAW But since you're not a gentleman... SOUND PUNCH WILL [going down] Uhh! SOUND DOOR OPENS, QUICK FOOTSTEPS IN FANSHAW Ma'am. Ahh. [frustrated noise] SOUND SLOWLY POURING WATER TO COVER THE SOUND OF CRYING BURDEN [crying] FANSHAW Oh, Madam. I wish I could reassure you. Lemuel is very good at what he does. If there weren't the two of them, he'd have sorted this out long ago. Don't cry. If there is anything I can do - anything within my power, I -- [sigh, then annoyed] Of course there isn't-- SOUND FROM OFF [GARRET SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION] FANSHAW Or is there? A4 SHUT UP SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR, DOOR OPENS LEMUEL [fading in after door opens] --spent a few weeks in California - nothing much there, cept'n round the train tracks... GARRETT [screaming] What's going on? FANSHAW What's--? [catching himself] Bloody hell. GARRETT [screaming] This isn't funny! Randall! SOUND SLAP FANSHAW Calm down! GARRETT Ow! FANSHAW Come with me, now. GARRETT Who in blazes are you? FANSHAW [thinks for a moment, then] I'm the angel Gabriel. Who the devil are you? GARRETT Gabriel? But I ain't -- Oh, lord am I dead? Shouldn't angels not be taking the devil's name in vain? FANSHAW [arch and superior] Who do you think we should swear by? Our lord? GARRETT [cowed] You got yerself a point. Sorry. What do I do now? FANSHAW Firstly, you be quiet, and let people think. LEMUEL [sigh of relief] DON That's some good stuff, ain't it? LEMUEL Let's just say, I have a special fondness for spirits. DON I'll drink to that. RANDALL You reckon I should look in on Garrett? LEMUEL Let the lady do that. It's her job, making sure he [slight emphasis] stays alive, right? BURDEN [distant] Yes.. DON What's wrong with you? BURDEN [sniff, almost in tears] It's been a trying day. DON Women. You get on now. Make sure Garret's comftable. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR FANSHAW Lem. I expect you've noticed Garrett's dead. I have him calmed down, but that may not last. Do you think she'll know what to do? LEMUEL [muttered] She ain't screamed yet. RANDALL What's that? LEMUEL Your friend must be doin all right. Or your wife would have called for help. RANDALL My sister. His wife? LEMUEL Sorry, it's late. And that's some pow'rful strong stuff you got. FANSHAW There's a shotgun somewhere in the house. If I find it, can you let that poor woman know? Her husband is - well, he - I had to "slug" him, I believe is the word. LEMUEL Worst thing about late nights is the rambling on some folks do. DON What? LEMUEL Just thinking you're good company, you two, since you understand the value of silence. FANSHAW Very well. [sigh] I shall go and look for the shotgun. A5 DOGS CHOICE MUSIC VALOR [barks] FANSHAW Some Quakers. Alcohol and guns. Tsk. Tsk. They're not even trying. All right boy, show me where the gun is? WILL He's my damn dog. No way he's gonna betray me. FANSHAW What's his name, then? WILL Valor. Like it matters, since he won't answer to you. FANSHAW Valor? Hmm. Here boy, here Valor. VALOR [Panting, one sharp bark.] WILL Don't listen to him, ya damn mutt. SOUND SCRABBLING OF CLAWS ON THE FLOOR FANSHAW The poor little fellow looks confused. WILL Get over here, or I'll whup you good, and you know I will! FANSHAW Valor. Help me help your mistress, boy. VALOR [two sharp barks] SOUND DOG RUNS TO FANSHAW VALOR [panting] FANSHAW Good boy. Yes, you are a good boy, aren't you? A6 FINAL FIGHT MUSIC SOUND BABY FUSSES DON Can't you keep that thing quiet? BURDEN It's noisy in here. He can't sleep. LEMUEL If you need to absent yourself, ma'am. I'm sure we menfolk kin do without you. RANDALL You don't know no such thing. Woman, sit! FANSHAW Lem, your glass - tap it once for yes, twice for no. Understand? SOUND One tap FANSHAW Valor - the dog - showed me where the master of the house kept his shotgun. It's behind some turnip sacks on a shelf in the cellar. SOUND ONE TAP FANSHAW You think you can get at it somehow? SOUND TWO TAPS LEMUEL Ma'am? FANSHAW What? BURDEN Yes, Mr. Roberts? LEMUEL Do you have some more of this fine whiskey? BURDEN Of course not! RANDALL [a bit drunk] Pious mealy mouth. We had t'bring our own, o'course. LEMUEL Come now, ma'am. I bet you have something a bit more powerful - say, down in the root cellar? My momma allus used to hide hers behind some turnip sacks on a shelf. BURDEN How do you know I have a cellar? LEMUEL Let's jest say the spirits are calling to me. RANDALL You don't know how true that just may be! DON Shut it. I don't know that we need anything more to drink. LEMUEL Ah, well. Yer prob'ly wise there. One more drink and I'll be toes up next to that fire snoring my life away, anyway. DON Really? [sly] See what you can find, woman. SOUND FEET CROSS ROOM, DOOR SOUND BABY FUSSES RANDALL I swear'n I'm gonna smother that critter. DON That's no way to speak of your nephew, Randall. [apologetic] He's real close to toes up hisself, stranger. LEMUEL I know that. Mm. One other hazard of liquor. I think I got to find my way outside again. DON Nonsense. Much too cold now. LEMUEL When you gotta, you-- SOUND GUN SLAPPED DOWN ON TABLE RANDALL Man said no, Stranger. LEMUEL a'right. GARRETT [coming in] Gabriel? I been saying every prayer I know, and I'm plumb bored. Ain't no heavenly choir coming fer me, yet. FANSHAW [sigh] I shall check on that. Wait in that room for me-- WILL [coming on] Dammit, you told that harlot where my gun is! And who the hell are you? FANSHAW Mr. innkeeper, this is one of the bastards who shot you and your dog. WILL What? You done that? GARRETT That ain't very angelic, Gabriel. Besides, it was Don what actually shot him. Oof! SOUND PUNCH WILL I gotta feeling I can't whale the tar out of him, though. SOUND FIGHT CONTINUES FANSHAW [whispered] Garrett - perhaps I am really the devil and am damning you to be tormented by those you wronged. How do you like them apples? GARRETT [grunts] LEMUEL [laughs, turns it into a cough] DON Where is that woman? RANDALL [almost gone] Yeah? LEMUEL She said she was going to the cellar. FANSHAW I'll check. LEMUEL She'll prob'ly be just another minute. RANDALL I cain't wait another-- SOUND CHAIR SQUEAKS, HE STUMBLES A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN FALLS TO THE FLOOR SOUND BABY WAILS DON Oh, god dammit. FANSHAW Tip the table, Lem. SOUND CREAK, SLIDE OF BASKET SOUND BABY CRY SLIDES ALONG LEMUEL [muttered] Thank you, I did think of that m'self. Check the kitchen. DON What you doing? SOUND BABY GURGLES LEMUEL My fault, I guess I leaned on it too hard. DON Damn table nearly took my head off! LEMUEL Leastways, I caught the baby. SOUND BASKET SET ON FLOOR SOUND BABY FUSSES SOUND GUN DRAWN DON Why don't you get up real slow? LEMUEL Dammit. SOUND CHAIR SQUEAK SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN REAL QUIET FANSHAW She has the gun, Lem, but I don't know if she'll use it. LEMUEL I don't wanna hear that. DON Who you talking to? You that drunk? LEMUEL Look, you kill me, then what happens? Think about it - you got one man wounded and another drowned in corn likker. Which one you plan to carry when you make a run fer it? DON Who says we're going anywhere? We dump your sorry hide outside and stay here, snug as a bug 'til the snow lets up. LEMUEL Or til you hurt one of this woman's children. DON Spare me. She ain't never gonna do nothing. Quakers don't believe in violence. I could butcher each one of the little brats and serve 'em to her in a stew, and she'd have to take it. [ridicule] for god. BURDEN Stranger! DON Huh? SOUND METAL SLIDING ON WOOD, THE SHOTGUN SKIDS TOWARD HIM DON You damn bitch! SOUND GUN SHOT BURDEN [scream] SOUND DOOR SLAMS SOUND SHOTGUN COCKS DON Now you-- SOUND SHOTGUN BLAST DON Uh! SOUND BODY DROP RANDALL [bleary] Whazzat? SOUND SHOTGUN COCKS AGAIN SOUND DOOR OPENS BURDEN No! LEMUEL What? BURDEN That man is no threat. Get his guns, and I'll tie him up. SOUND LEM TAKES RANDALL'S GUNS, PATS HIM DOWN LEMUEL But he - he threatened you. And your kids. BURDEN I will keep him tied up until the sheriff can get to us. That one may have been god's will, but I will not have any more killing in my home. FANSHAW She has a great deal of conviction. SOUND ROPES WHIPPING AROUND TO TIE UP RANDALL LEMUEL You do realize you will be alone? BURDEN Nonsense. I have seven children to help me look after him. SOUND [baby wails] LEMUEL Ma'am, let me do this for you then. Let me take the body - bodies, if I'm right about the man in the back room - outside. I'll put them in the shed, along with your husband. BURDEN He is dead? LEMUEL I saw his body. And the dog. That's what put me on my guard. BURDEN Give me my baby and I'll leave you to your... work. A7 DEPARTING MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, COLD, BUT NOT BLOWING SOUND HORSES BLOW, STAMP BURDEN Stay to the left side of the road, it's a bit higher, and not so icy. LEMUEL Thank you, ma'am. I hope things get better for you. BURDEN Please don't think I cannot appreciate your help. Though I cain't abide violence, I -[breaking] I thank ye kindly for saving my children. LEMUEL Not to worry, ma'am. As a man who lived by the gun, I'm... well, I'm tryin'. BURDEN We will pray for you. CHILDREN [assenting] SOUND HORSES LEAVE SOUND SLIGHTLY OFF, DOOR SHUTS FANSHAW I say, Lemuel, how does a pious woman like that end up married to a beast like - well, you must have heard him? LEMUEL Heard enough. Out here, most times it's better to have some man in the house than no man - no matter what a cuss he is. FANSHAW Have you ever considered settling down? A hostel like that would be quite a nice little retirement. LEMUEL I plumb cain't see myself putting down roots. You? RANDALL [muffled, tied face down over a horse] Mm? FANSHAW I haven't any roots to put down. LEMUEL If you did? FANSHAW Well... At one point, I fancied an academic seat of some sort. Teaching, you know. RANDALL [muffled] If I did what? FANSHAW Pity. I rather hoped he would remain unconscious until we reached the sheriff. LEMUEL If wishes were horses... FANSHAW That kai-yote would be riding upright, instead of prone on a pack horse? LEMUEL [chuckles] MUSIC END
Lem and Fanshaw roll into a little town just in time to stop an unjust hanging... but can they find out who truly deserves the rope? Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts / Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Sheriff Mortimer - Rick Lewis Larkey Collins - J.D. Lloyd Harp Fowler - Molly Tollefson Maddy Fowler - Krystal Baker Lute Fowler - Gene Thorkildsen Amity Fowler - Kris Keppeler Meg Pickens - Julia Lorraine Rafe Jenkins - Reynaud LeBoeuf Kentucky Pete - Sidney Williams (Fear On Demand) Jeb - Robyn Paterson (Kung Fu Action Theatre) Gabby, dead drunk - Sean Connor Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock Cover Photo: Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a mountain pass in late spring, can't you tell...?" ******************************************************************** A HANGING AT PICKENS ROCK Cast: [credits/olivia] Lemuel Roberts, the Deadeye kid Clarence Fanshaw Lute Fowler, accused murderer Harp Fowler, 11 Madrigal "Maddy" Fowler, 7 Amity Fowler, dead mother Rafe Jenkins, victim Sheriff Mortimer Larky Collins, henchman Meg Pickens, Rafe's fiancee Kentucky Pete, Gambler Gabby, town drunk OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a mountain pass in late spring, can't you tell? 1_ARRIVING MUSIC SOUND EARLY MORNING NOISE, WOODS, TWO HORSES AMBLING FANSHAW So many things I miss - out in the wilderness like this. LEMUEL What? You got air and water. Freedom. What else you need? FANSHAW [longing] Tea. LEMUEL There's tea all over. But you cain't even-- FANSHAW It's not the drink itself, it's the act - the ceremony, if you will, of taking tea. Tea and crumpets. LEMUEL What on god's green earth is a crumpet? FANSHAW It's a... a... rather like a muffin, but more... refined. LEMUEL So you want boiled leaves and a refined muffin? Next town we roll into, I'll make sure and rustle y'up some. FANSHAW You don't understand. Tea is a symbol. Sitting down to tea with someone - it represents refinement. Civilization. SOUND CREAK OF SIGN HUNG FROM TREE LEMUEL Speakin o' civilization-- FANSHAW [sarcastic] Ah. Yes. I'm certain any town out here will be chock-a-block with tea and crumpets. LEMUEL "Pickens Rock". Makes me think of... FANSHAW Slim pickings? LEMUEL [agreeing] I reckon. 2 TOWN MUSIC SOUND SLOW HOOFBEATS ON HARDPACK. SLIGHT ECHO, EMPTINESS FANSHAW Slim pickings, indeed. No one appears to be in residence. LEMUEL Don't look abandoned, though. Ev'thing's shut up tight. Mebbe there's a county fair or sumpin? FANSHAW Possible, yes. Oh, there's someone-- LEMUEL Sir? GABBY [drunk and confused] Whaa-a-at? LEMUEL I'm shore sorry to bother you, feller, but-- GABBY h-h-hh- who are you? LEMUEL --where is ev'body? GABBY They's a-a-a-all just gone off to the hangin. Who a-a-are y'all? LEMUEL Which way? [prompting] To the hangin'? GABBY Follow the rud, as you're goin. At the fork, take a-a-a-a left. You'll hear 'em by then. They's mighty worked up. FANSHAW Lemuel, what are you thinking? LEMUEL Tell me, old feller - who they fixing to set dancin? GABBY Nice boy, thaa-a-at Lute Fowler. Never woulda pegged him for a-a-a drygulcher. LEMUEL Figgers. We never end up nowhere, but they's an emergency awaitin us. Come on. [clicks to the horses] SOUND HOOVES TAKE OFF FANSHAW [calling back] Thank you very much! GABBY [calling] D-d-d-ont mention it! 3 CROWD MUSIC SOUND ANGRY CROWD SOUND HOOVES APPROACH LEMUEL Whoa, there. SOUND HORSES PULL UP SHORT. CROWD QUIETS, THEN BUZZ STARTS FANSHAW I can't wait to hear this. LEMUEL [through gritted teeth] Shut up. [voice raised] I hear there's fixin to be a hangin? CROWD BUZZ SHERIFF [off, yelling] Who's askin? LEMUEL Y'ever hear of the Texas Rangers? CROWD BUZZ!!!!! SOUND PEOPLE MOVE, FEET APPROACH SHERIFF [Coming on, suppressed fury, trying to be civil] Well, now. This is strictly local business. We don't need no help. But I do thank you for looking in on us. LEMUEL That feller on the horse? He's your - uh - SHERIFF Duly tried and convicted murderer. LEMUEL Lucky town, to have a judge handy. CROWD BUZZ of MISGIVING LARKY Well, we don't-- SHERIFF Put a bit in it, Larky. We didn't need no judge, ranger. We got ourselves a confession. LUTE [yelling, very hoarse] I never did-- [gulp as noose is tightened] HARP and MADDY [scream and cry] LEMUEL Funny. That sounds like a denial t'me. You do realize that without a judgment from a legal court o' law, this ain't no execution, it's a murder. CROWD BUZZ, STARTING TO FALL APART. FANSHAW Is it? SHERIFF I'm the law in this here town, friend. I don't take kindly to you walkin in here and trying to cause a commotion. LEMUEL I ain't tryin to do nothin of the sort, Sheriff. I just don't want to see a lawman like yerself let hisself get swept up by a mob and, uh-- FANSHAW --be forced to condone an injustice? LEMUEL --be forced to condone an injustice. I know how tetchy a mob can be, and I cain't rightly blame you for not wantin a try and face 'em down - but with me at your side, I reckon we could stand. SHERIFF [furious, but trying to stay jovial] Well, now. I guess I'll thank you very kindly, and..... [long breath, calming self, then turns away to call out] Good people! As I have long maintained, we must wait for the proper authority to conduct this properly. We'll keep Lute Fowler locked up in jail until the circuit judge comes through next month - just as we shoulda done from the start. [back] Larky, go get that - gentlemen - down and back to the jail. LEMUEL That's right big of you, Sheriff. Now I'd be mighty honored to help you with any little thing you might need, seeing as I'm in town for a while. SHERIFF For a while? How long? LEMUEL Don' rightly know. Depends on how long it takes me to find what I'm looking for. SHERIFF What's that? LEMUEL 'fficial business. Caint go into it. SHERIFF Very well, then. I've got to get back to town, see this varmint locked up tight. [grits teeth] Again. SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY FANSHAW A Ranger? You've never--? LEMUEL Never said I was - just ast if they'd heered of 'em. FANSHAW What happens when they demand to see your credentials? I somehow think that things are not so different over here - impersonating an official is bound to get you into hot water. LEMUEL I'll cross that bridge when I get there-- HARP Mister? LEMUEL What? Oh, hello l'il pardner. Didn't I see you standin up front--? HARP You saved my pa, din't you? MADDY [yes] Uh-huh! LEMUEL Now, I just saw that justice is done proper-like. If he's proven guilty, then he deserves-- HARP He din't do none of this. MADDY [no] Uh-uh. LEMUEL Do either of you gotta name? [teasing] or any manners? HARP Sorry, sir. We's just real upset, y'unnerstand? I'm Harp Fowler, and this is my little sister Maddy - Madrigal. LEMUEL Well, I tell you what, Harp. And Maddy. I promise I will look into the case. That's all. If your pa's innocent, then I'll find it out. All right? HARP I reckon. Well, if you need any help or anything, you can find me at the Lazy H ranch, up Blackbird Gulch. I can shoot a gun! LEMUEL I'll keep that in mind. Y'all get on now. FANSHAW [musing] Harp, Lute, and Madrigal? What would they have named the next child? MADDY Viola if twas a girl. Fortay for a boy. That's what mama always says. HARP [annoyed] Oh, c'mon. SOUND SMALL FEET WALK AWAY FANSHAW [shocked] I... say. LEMUEL What? FANSHAW That child - the little girl. She's... she spoke to me. She heard me. LEMUEL [sorry for the kid] Damn. 4 SCENE OF THE CRIME MUSIC SOUND FEET ON ROUGH GROUND LARKY Just about here, I spect. LEMUEL Thankee kindly. LARKY Whatchoo specting a find? Lute kilt the Jenkins boy nigh on a week ago, and it's rained since. RAFE Hello? You lookin fer me? LEMUEL Jest tryin to get a feel fer whut happened. [beat] I kin find my own way back to town. LARKY I'd be right pleased to get a chance to observe a real Ranger at work. I won't make no bother. LEMUEL [reluctant] Fine. RAFE Hey, I'm over here. FANSHAW [whisper] Keep him busy. I'll see what I can find out. LEMUEL [thinks, then] Where'd you say you thought the shooter was? RAFE Shooter? What shooter? LARKY Up thissaway. SOUND FOOTSTEPS OFF RAFE [calling] Hey! Fellers! FANSHAW Hold on there. RAFE What you want? FANSHAW My apologies sir, but I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you. RAFE Why you talk like that? FANSHAW There's no kind way to say this. [sigh] I'm afraid you are dead. RAFE Dead? What're you, then, an ayngel? FANSHAW Oh! No. We - that gentleman over there and I - are trying to find out what happened to you. RAFE How come he ain't askin me hisself? FANSHAW Well, he would - but that fellow with the colorful name "Larky" would probably find it odd. RAFE I... guess I see. Tsch. Dunno what I can tell you - I guess I really didn't even ... yet... FANSHAW Realize that you're dead? It's not uncommon, I fear. 5 OUTHOUSE MUSIC SOUND WOODEN DOOR SWINGS SHUT LEMUEL [quiet] Where in hell are you, Fanshaw? FANSHAW [shocked, muffled] Lemuel! Don't you prefer some privacy? LEMUEL [quiet] Consarn it, ya ninny. That Larky is on me like a tick on a tinhorn. I figgured this is the only way to get out from under him. FANSHAW Well, I hope it's a two-seater. [coming on] Rafe didn't see anything - he was ambushed. Shot in the back. LEMUEL I got sumpin more important. This. SOUND SOMETHING PULLED OUT OF A POCKET FANSHAW A badge? LEMUEL A ranger's badge, and I surely didn't whittle it myself. Someone slipped it inta my pocket. I'm thinkin it musta been in that crowd at the hangin - only time anyone but Larky's been near enough. Don't reckon you saw nothin'? FANSHAW Terribly sorry, but no. No one that stood out. LEMUEL Seems the coach line here sees enough traffic that there's more'n a few strangers in town. I couldn't poke much more'n that. FANSHAW But who could have given that to you, and why? LEMUEL How's this fer a guess - there's a ranger, here in town, and he don't want no one to know who he is. FANSHAW But to give his badge away? LEMUEL I'm figgurin he 'preciated my stoppin the hangin and dint want them fellers to find out I weren't no ranger and start the whole thing up again. Jest acause he's hidin out don't mean he thinks we don't need no ranger in town. FANSHAW [slight exasperatd sigh] Perhaps if you could get away from this Larky fellow, the real ranger would make himself known to you. LEMUEL I'll see what I can do. 6 BRIGHT AND EARLY MUSIC SOUND WINDOW SLIDES UP, CIGARETTE LIT AMBIANCE EARLY MORNING NOISES LEMUEL [blows out a long breath] SOUND SOFT RAPPING AT THE DOOR SOUND CHAIR SQUEAKS, A COUPLE OF BARE FOOTSTEPS, A GUN SNATCHED UP OFF A TABLE LEMUEL [quiet] Yup? HARP [whispered through door] I needs to talk to you, Ranger. LEMUEL [not quite being funny] You strapped? MADDY [muffled giggle, through door] HARP Shh. [very serious] Nope. I come peaceable. LEMUEL All right then. Come on. SOUND DOOR OPENS CAREFULLY AND QUIETLY, SMALL FOOTSTEPS ENTER, DOOR SHUTS AMITY Thank you kindly, sir. LEMUEL [a bit surprised] Um. Y'all have a seat? SOUND CREAK OF WOOD HARP You rangers see a lot of strange stuff, dontcha? LEMUEL Strange how? HARP My sister is a might tetched. MADDY I ain't. HARP She ain't rightly crazy, just thinks she sees folks as has gone and passed away. MADDY Where's your friend? LEMUEL He- he'll be-- HARP [to Maddy] Oh, hush. Men're talkin' here. AMITY They grow up so fast. LEMUEL One thing rangers always do, fella, is get to the point. You can't shock me, so come on. HARP My sister says our dead momma is following us around to look after us [clears his throat as he tries to avoid breaking into tears] while our pa is in the hoosegow. AMITY I really tried to teach them to speak better, sir. HARP Maddy also says-- MADDY There he is! FANSHAW Is... this a party? LEMUEL Ah, hell. [comes to a decision] Look, I'm gonna tell you the whole truth, but you can't let no one else hear this. Swear? HARP On my mama's grave. MADDY That's not fair - she's right here. AMITY It's all right, sweetheart. You promise too. MADDY All right, I promise too. LEMUEL We gotta talk quiet. Make sure no one hears. HARP [avid] All right! LEMUEL I ain't never told no one alive what I'm about to tell you, and I can offer you proof, afore you go off thinkin I'm foolin wit'cha, here. HARP I'ud never think you'us foolin. LEMUEL Firstly, I ain't a real ranger. It was the only thing I could think of t'say t'stop the hangin. See, I'm being plumb truthful here, now. HARP [hopes dashed] Not a ranger? LEMUEL Sorry, son, I'm just plain Lemuel Roberts - retired gunslinger. FANSHAW He used to be the Deadeye Kid. MADDY You were the Deadeye Kid? HARP How you know that? LEMUEL My pal Fanshaw just told her. HARP Who? What's agoin on? LEMUEL Lissen t'me, your sister aint tetched a'tall. She's ... like me. Whether it's a blessin or a curse, we both see and hear "them as has passed on". HARP 'Zat mean our mama's truly here? LEMUEL Is your mother a tall woman with big hands, a long plain face and a real sweet smile? HARP [suddenly a small child] Momma? AMITY I'm always with them both. But Maddy will have to be the one to speak fer me. LEMUEL Ma'am. I spect you know there's a reason you're here? AMITY Doesn't everyone remain after their clay has returned to dust? LEMUEL I reckon the world would be an awful crowded place if t'were the case. I found it's mostly just them with unfinished business that stay tethered. AMITY And my business--? FANSHAW If I ain't mistaken, ma'am, they's sittin right here. AMITY [laughs] You're a very perceptive man. MADDY [yes] Uh-huh! HARP [sniffles, then gets down to brass tacks] So my sister ain't crazy. Well, that's right fine, but howzit gonna help clear our pa? AMITY He didn't do it, you know. I was with him all night, as I always am, but I doubt I could be very credible as a witness. LEMUEL [mildly amused] No, ma'am. Spect not. Harp, from everything I've heard, your pa's innocent, but I'm better off trying to find out who done it than trying to prove he din't. What you know that I might not'a heard yet? HARP Well, Rafe was dry-gulched around dusk, six days back. My dad was at home. LEMUEL Why'ud the sheriff think your pa'ud done it? HARP He wooden! MADDY They's all sayin pa kilt Rafe cause Rafe assid-- assud-- AMITY Accidentally. MADDY Assidentally kilt our ma. His cart run her down when he lost control o' his team. AMITY It was an accident, and Maddy and I have assured Lute of that, best we could. Even if I didn't already know where he was all night long, he would never have hurt that poor boy. HARP I believe Maddy. And... and [almost breaking up] ma. LEMUEL [sincere] Faith is a grand thing, son. Don't you never lose it. HARP Faith ain't gonna hep save our pa. What can we do to hep you? LEMUEL Is there anyone else in town might have a grudge against this fella Rafe? HARP Nope. He'us a nice feller. His folks got the big spread up to the plateau. LEMUEL Any other kin likely to get money if'n he died? HARP I don't rightly know - reckon his folks are well off, and he got him four brothers, but they're all regular church-going folks - none'a them'ud do that. AMITY [whispering] tell them about Meg. MADDY Rafe was courting Meg Pickens. Her folks own half the town. [whispering] I saw 'em kissin once. HARP Ew. LEMUEL And someone shot this poor feller, who everyone liked, in the back. 7 MEG MUSIC AMBIANCE BUSY WESTERN STREET SOUND BOOTS ON WOODEN SIDEWALK LEMUEL [talking low] Looks like I need to scout the road out of town, figger out where they plan their ambuscade. FANSHAW Ambuscade? I'm impressed. LEMUEL Pshaw. I was thinkin-- MEG [challenging] Are you the Ranger? LEMUEL [sigh] I spect I'm the one you're lookin fer. And you are? FANSHAW She appears to be in mourning - did Rafe have any sisters? MEG I'm Meg Pickens, and you're the one who stopped the hanging of the ki-yote who killed my ... [breaking a bit] my beau. FANSHAW Ah, the sweetheart. LEMUEL You so sure Lute'us the right man? I hate to orphan no children without being dead certain. MEG Everyone knows he did it - he blamed Rafe for the accident that took his Amity! LEMUEL Lute's children said he never spoke a harsh word agin the boy. MEG Of course they'ud say that. LEMUEL Now, miss, I won't never say that children ain't known to lie from time to time, but they don't, if y'understand, always know what lies t'tell. MEG I don't take your point--. LEMUEL If'n I ast them if their pa killed the man, shore they'd say no, cause even if'n it was true, they'd know that was the right lie to tell. But I ast if their pa ever had harsh words agin your feller, and they said no - he was powerful torn up over their ma's passin, and was angry the boy lost control, but he never said it were no one's fault but providence. MEG [softening] He never did? FANSHAW Nottingham approacheth. LEMUEL Eh? FANSHAW My apologies - the sheriff. SOUND BOOTS ON WOOD SHERIFF [coming on] Ah, Ranger. [smarm] Meg, my dearest girl. You know I have nothing but sympathy for your loss. FANSHAW Nothing? The old letcher, he's practically salivating. MEG Thank you kindly, sheriff Mortimer. SHERIFF Can't you call me Henry? FANSHAW It's rather like a wolf and a lamb. MEG [disturbed] It really isn't appropriate, Sheriff. I -- I just have... so much respect for your office. LEMUEL I was just explaining to [slight emphasis] Miss Pickens here that I am just as het to see Rafe Jenkins' killer hung as anyone, but the law allows every man a proper trial, and you and I both, we're sworn to that law. SHERIFF [nearly a growl] O'course. Nothin's more important than the law. LEMUEL Yep. MADDY [off] Psst. FANSHAW What? Oh. I'll see what she wants. SHERIFF Whuzzat? Oh, the brat-- [grinds out] little Fowler child. MEG I do feel sorry fer her. If her father's a murderer and all. SHERIFF If? [anger rising] If? A'course he's a murderer. I wooden'a put him away if'n he weren't! SOUND LITTLE FEET RUN AWAY MEG [gasp, afraid] Sir! Sheriff! I understand you feel strongly about this-- SHERIFF I'm shore sorry to let you see me in a pet like that. [deep breath] Last thing I'd ever want to do is show you the rough edge of my temper, Meg. LEMUEL Sheriff, I'll take my leave, if'n you don't mind. [goodbye] Miss Pickens. SOUND BOOTS ON WOOD FANSHAW You shouldn't leave her alone with him. LEMUEL I wooden if they'us inside, but there's folks out and about here. FANSHAW That look in his eye - I would swear he's barely human. LEMUEL Ayep. You thinkin we just mighta seen the start of all this ruckus? FANSHAW The sheriff? You think he--? Over the girl--? Oh. That is a sticky wicket, indeed. 8 SALOON MUSIC AMBIANCE SALOON SOUND BOOTS APPROACH MEN AT TABLE SHERIFF Gimme three. SOUND CARDS BEING DEALT KENTUCKY And you? LARKY Nothin' - no, wait. Uh, one. SOUND CARDS LEMUEL Sorry, I thought this was dinner. SHERIFF Will be shortly, Ranger. Care to sit in for a coupla hands? LEMUEL Don't mind if I do. SOUND SCRAPE OF CHAIR KENTUCKY We'll just finish here first. Won't be long. Call? SHERIFF Three tens. LARKY Damn. SOUND CARDS TOSSED DOWN OTHER MEN [grumbling] SOUND MORE CARDS, COINS, ETC. SHERIFF And you, Kentucky? KENTUCKY [sucks his teeth, then] Weeellll. I've got two Jacks. SHERIFF [chuckles avariciously] KENTUCKY And three queens. SOUND CARDS LAID DOWN SLOW AND TRIUMPHANT SHERIFF What? LEMUEL I believe that makes a full house. SHERIFF [furious!] Cheater! Sharp! KENTUCKY I did not--! SOUND TABLE FLIPS, CARDS, MONEY, GLASSES, FALL TO FLOOR SHERIFF We don't hold with cheatin in this here town! KENTUCKY I assure you-- SOUND PUNCH, THEN A GRAB, and a SWING THAT MISSES LEMUEL Sheriff, I reckon you need ta calm down. SHERIFF [spluttering] That bastard--! LEMUEL Larky, take your boss here and get him a shotta whiskey - I'll search this feller, and if he's holdin out, well then I'll arrest him. LARKY [trying to be brave, but frightened] C'mon boss. LEMUEL Up you come. [grunts as he helps K up] KENTUCKY [groans] I think he broke my nose. LEMUEL [amused] Musta been a good pot. KENTUCKY Not more than ten dollars. [long juicy sniff, grunt of pain] You that ranger? LEMUEL That's got around, eh? KENTUCKY Hard not to, town like this. I assure you, sir, I was not cheating. Frankly, it's hardly necessary against players who... well, aren't particularly skilled. SOUND RUSTLE OF CLOTHING LEMUEL I'll check your sleeves and pockets anyway, just so's they don't think you're talkin your way past me. KENTUCKY I appreciate that. SOUND RUSTLING OF CLOTHING, PAT ON THE BACK LEMUEL Well, that's it - nothin. Now I'll go see if the Sheriff's still colicky. I'm thinkin you should get while the gettin's good. SOUND DRINK POURED, GULPED [SHER], GLASS SLAMMED DOWN ON BAR LARKY Boss! He's comin. SHERIFF [slurry drunk] I'm gon kill him. Ranger or not, he'll still bleed red. LARKY Shh. Only works if he don' know it's comin. [up] Ranger! You let him go? SHERIFF What? SOUND SCUFFLE AS SHERIFF TURNS FROM THE BAR AND ALMOST FALLS LEMUEL He wasn't holdin. I convinced him to take his stake and go. You'n yer men can go and collect your own - it's all still there on the floor. FANSHAW Lem, that sheriff person is making no secret of his plans to assassinate you. LEMUEL [accepting] Mm. [up to the men] I'm thinkin I'll grab some grub and turn in - even rangers can only take so much excitement in a day. SHERIFF [dark] Reckon so. SOUND FOOTSTEPS AWAY LARKY Not in the hotel, boss. SHERIFF [snarls] How dare you? LARKY Sir, I mean - woodenit be better to get him on his way outta town? Then everyone'll know he was fine when he left - won't blame you - I mean, us. SHERIFF [grunt] FANSHAW Despicable blackguards. 9 SHERIFF'S OFFICE MUSIC AMBIANCE WESTERN STREET, MORNING SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN SIDEWALK, SOUND SECOND PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS TROT UP LARKY [coming on, puffing a bit] Hey, ranger! LEMUEL [muttered] Ah hell. LARKY You headin to Sheriff's office? Me too. Messenger just come in, said the circuit judge'll be here two-three days at the outside. Good news eh? Lute can have his trial, then I reckon the town can have its hangin. LEMUEL [muttered] Consarn it. LARKY Whassat? LEMUEL Come on. MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS, WALK INTO OFFICE LARKY Hey Jeb! Sheriff in? JEB Uh, no - he's off to look on on Meg Pickens. He said he's worried cause her folks are away. FANSHAW Oh, that's not good. That young lady will be defenseless. LEMUEL [snort of agreement, trying hard not to sound anxious] How long ago did he leave? We might could catch him up? JEB Oh, round half hour ago, but I figgered he'd stop home to, uh, spruce hisself up a bit. He's plumb sweet on that li'l lady. LARKY That he is. LEMUEL Larky, you kin show me how to head him off? LARKY Cain't it wait til tomorra? I sorely doubt that this would be a good time t'interupt him. LEMUEL I - I found sumpin he needs to see. It'd prove Lute's case. LARKY Hmm. Sheriff'll be happy to hear that. Make the judge's job real easy. LEMUEL [level but forced] Get me to him. A1 RIDING OUT MUSIC SOUND HOOFBEATS, TROTTING LARKY He ain't gon' thank you, and he ain't gon' be best pleased with me, neither. LEMUEL I don't care a whit for whether he's pleased or not. Whoa! SOUND HORSES PULL UP LARKY What? LEMUEL Whassat? LARKY Where? LEMUEL [irritated] Over there. Lean this way. See? SOUND THUMP ON HEAD LARKY augh! SOUND BODY SLOWLY LOWERED OFF HORSE TO GROUND, CRUNCHES ON GRASS LEMUEL Cain't have you behind me Larky, old hoss. FANSHAW Leveled the playing field, I see. You should take his horse - in case he recovers quickly. LEMUEL Thick skull like that, he jest might. A2 SHOWDOWN_1 MUSIC SOUND HOOVES, WALKING SOUND HOOVES APPROACH QUICKLY LEMUEL [coming on] Sheriff! SHERIFF What the blue blazes? You? What in hell do you want? SOUND SECOND PAIR OF HOOVES SLOWS LEMUEL Lute Fowler's escaped! SHERIFF What! SOUND HORSE REINS UP, SECOND HORSE REINS TOO SHERIFF That sheep-loving son of a bitch! I knew he'd try somethin. LEMUEL I figgured this'd be worth trackin you down for. I got a hunch tells me where he might go, as well. SHERIFF Really? LEMUEL You and me, we can take him down. SHERIFF [evil realization] You and me? Ye-e-e-es. MUSIC SOUND HORSES SLOW, THEN STOP LEMUEL We'll have to leave the horses. Cain't let him hear us. SHERIFF [sly] Course not. SOUND CREAKS AS THEY DISMOUNT SHERIFF Show the way. LEMUEL Stay here fr'a minute. SOUND RUNS OFF THROUGH BUSHES SHERIFF [fading off] Whatever you say, [dangerous] ranger. FANSHAW Maddy told me of a big rock just over that rise. Quickly now - you'll want cover. He's rather agitated. LEMUEL [snort] SOUND BUSHWHACKING STOPS LEMUEL [calling] Lute? Lute Fowler? SHERIFF [off, deliberately calling weakly] He there? You hear him? SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH BUSHES LEMUEL Shh! FANSHAW He's closing on you. He moves awfully quietly for a big man. SHERIFF [almost a whisper, trying to sound farther away than he is] Ranger? FANSHAW Are you going to shoot him? LEMUEL I - No. FANSHAW What? SOUND MOVEMENT STOPS, THEN SUDDEN NOISE AS LEM TURNS TO FACE THE SHERIFF LEMUEL Y'coverin me, or fixin to shoot me in the back, Sheriff? SHERIFF [tries to laugh it off] Lute's a desperate man. Surprised you're still in leather. LEMUEL Lute ain't here. It's jest you and me. SHERIFF Eh? If you're plannin to plant me, boy, you shoulda thought twice. Only gun to hand right now is mine. SOUND TWO STEPS FORWARD LEMUEL [calm and even] I see that. And I know you can shoot a man in the back. But that - uh - shake t'yer hand says maybe you cain't look me in the face and do it. SHERIFF I can do anything I please. No one'll even ask once you're gone. LEMUEL Oh, there's a couple. You think any ranger'd be fool enough to come out here without a man t'watch his back? SHERIFF What I've seen from you, I ain't much impressed with rangers. LEMUEL Huh. Well you gonna shoot me or what? SHERIFF I... will. You gonna give me a reason? LEMUEL Nope. I'm figgurin you'll show yellow til you get riled 'nuff. So I don' plan to rile you none. SHERIFF [flash of anger] Yellow? LEMUEL Rafe'us unarmed, barely old enough t'shave, and still you hadta shoot him in the back. That says yellow louder than-- SHERIFF [screaming] Yellow! I'm the damn sheriff! The Sheriff I tell you! HARP [screams from off] Sheriff! SOUND GUNSHOT GOES WILD SOUND BODY HITS GROUND, ROLLS A BIT FANSHAW Lemuel? Lemuel? SOUND GUNSHOT FROM FAR AWAY SHERIFF Argh! A3 SHOWDOWN 2 LEMUEL [spitting gravel, annoyed] I'm fine. SOUND BODY HITS GROUND FANSHAW But that shot? LEMUEL Well I was biting dirt, so I din't rightly see. HARP Ranger! Get up! He's a-coming! SOUND SLOW FOOSTEPS ACROSS HARD GROUND SOUND SCUFFLE AS LEM TURNS TO FACE NEWCOMER LEMUEL Well. You do have a thick skull, don'tcha? SOUND A COUPLE MORE SLOW STEPS, THEN LARKY [chuckles, then sounding a lot less stupid and rough than before] Good thing too. You pack a wallop. FANSHAW The sheriff is still breathing. LEMUEL What happens now? LARKY You hit the ground pretty hard. Need a hand up? LEMUEL [beat] I - I'm a mite confused now. LARKY I think you have something of mine. LEMUEL What? SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH HARP You stop right there, Larky! SOUND COCKING OF HAMMER ON GUN LEMUEL [getting it] I - I think it's all right Harp. Slowly now, let that hammer down. HARP But he's one o' them that railroaded my pa! LARKY I'm truly not-- LEMUEL Harp, don't be loco. He's the one goes with this-- SOUND SOMETHING PULLED OUT OF POCKET LEMUEL Ain't you, Ranger Larky? A4 RANGER MUSIC AMBIANCE BACK IN THE HOTEL LARKY You understand why I couldn't do anything - if I came forward, I would have wasted months of work, getting myself next to the Sheriff. But-- LEMUEL I still don't see-- LARKY Hold on! I swear to you, though, I would not have let Lute Fowler get hung just to keep my cover. You came in at the nick of time. LEMUEL Reckon we're even now. LARKY Reckon we are. So where you off to? LEMUEL Spect I don' know no more 'bout that than you do. I jest... drift. LARKY Ever consider takin up the star? LEMUEL [surprised] Me? A ranger? I don' think so. LARKY And why not? Takes grit, and you have that by the cartload. LEMUEL I don't reckon I'd take to havin t'answer t'anyone. LARKY [chuckles] None o'us do. But it ain't so bad when it means you got someone at yer back. [long beat] You'll let me know if'n you change yer mind? LEMUEL You'll be the first. A5 TEA MUSIC SOUND PACKING THINGS INTO A RUCKSACK AS LEM TALKS LEMUEL Now you don' forget-- MADDY I don't never talk to no one in public less'n my brother talks to 'em first. LEMUEL Yup. And? MADDY And if anyone catches me talkin to myself, I says I'm tryin to recall my lessons, and not that I's talking to dead folks. LEMUEL That'll take you far. You be careful, now. AMITY Don't forget what you brought. LEMUEL And what's 'at? MADDY [remembering] Oh! [grunt as she moves something heavy] SOUND BASKET SET ON TABLE, CHAIR SQUEAKS LEMUEL What... is it? MADDY You sit on down, now. Where's Mr. Fanshaw? SOUND CHAIR SQUEAKS LEMUEL [calling] Fanshaw! FANSHAW [off, coming on] Eh? What? SOUND THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF THE BASKET AND SET ON THE TABLE MADDY You sit rightchere. AMITY [promptin] On my left. MADDY [importantly] On my left. FANSHAW [slowly realizing] Oh! LEMUEL What? MADDY Mama, you'll have a seat on my right? AMITY Thank you kindly. SOUND CLATTER OF PORCELAIN LEMUEL Will someone please explain? MADDY Would you like one lump or two, Mr. Lemuel? AMITY [prompting] Mr. Roberts. MADDY Mr. Roberts. LEMUEL One lump of what? I hate to tell you, child, but them plates and bowls is all empty. FANSHAW [prompting] That's not the point, Lem. Say One lump, no milk. LEMUEL I ain't sayin-- aw, heck. One lump no milk. SOUND RATTLE OF PORCELAIN, CHING OF METAL ON CUP MADDY And you, Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW Oh, I would simply adore two lumps, and just the slightest bit of milk. And are these biscuits? MADDY No. They's cookies. I made 'em my self. FANSHAW Well, they look delicious. May I? MADDY [giggles] You go on ahead now. They's plenty where that come from. LEMUEL But there ain't-- What is it? What is all this folderol? FANSHAW Why Lem, it's -- tea! MUSIC END
When reformed gunslinger Lemual Roberts (formerly the Deadeye Kid) and his sidekick, British travel writer Clarence Fanshaw, roll into town, things sometimes get a bit... spirited.... But sorting out a feud in Ozark hill country might be more than they can handle. Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Sheriff Nell - Hillary Dixon Bartender - Joel Harvey DRUMMONDS Eb Drummond - Dan Conklin Jake Drummond - Jake Stratton TARBOXES Abner Tarbox - Bill Hollweg (of Brokensea Audio) Hap Tarbox - Reynaud LeBoeuf Marilee Tarbox - Beverly Poole Jenfaire Tarbox - Jody Montague Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock Cover Photo: Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's hill country somewhere in the Old West..." ********************************************************************** THE DEADEYE KID Cast: Olivia Lemuel Roberts (Deadeye Kid), retired gun, seen it all Clarence Fanshaw, British writer, highfaluting Hap Tarbox, last of the Tarboxes Jake Drummond, last of the Drummonds Marilee Tarbox, cause of the feud Jenfaire Tarbox, Marilee's sister Abner Tarbox, "old man" of the Tarboxes Eb Drummond, old and more than a might tetched Barkeep Sheriff Nell Milford - ex-schoolmarm, talks purty. OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an Ozark cart-road, can't you tell? WESTERN MUSIC AMBIANCE DAYTIME WOODS - BIRDS, ETC. SOUND HOOF BEATS - TWO HORSES LEM Tell me again why you wanted to come on up here? FANSHAW I've told you a dozen times already, old chap. LEM Keep tellin' me and might could I'll believe it some time. FANSHAW [chuckle] I am fascinated by the impact of emigrant culture into the Americas. This particular area of the Ozark Mountain Range was heavily influenced by the Scottish who came here over the years. LEM I never heered no one from hereabouts sounding Scotch. FANSHAW Not surprising, my good man - Scotch is a whiskey. Scottish is an accent. [chuckles] LEM [disgusted] I reckon. FANSHAW And you see, this area is most commonly known for carrying over the Scottish concept of the feud. LEM Well, I guess I did know that. FANSHAW Some feuds in Scotland went on for generations - long after everyone had forgotten the root cause of the conflict. LEM Yup. FANSHAW And this area is so isolated, nothing will have changed much for - oh, 200 years. It's like a window into the past. LEM Speaking of holdin' grudges, Fanshaw, You might not want to say too much - folks round here might still be smartin' from that little dustup with your folks. FANSHAW My folks? LEM You know, hunnert-some years back? FANSHAW Hundred? Oh! Oh, yes. I take your point, Lemuel. Yes. I shall keep mum, then, until we have tested the waters, so to speak, and understand the local population a mite better. LEM Long as you keep shet, I reckon we'll do fine. SOUND JUST THE HORSES FOR A MOMENT SOUND GUNSHOT ABNER Stop right there! SOUND HORSES PULL UP LEM [resigned] Don' want no trouble, podner. ABNER You one o' them? LEM Don' even know who them is. ABNER [hatred oozing] Them Drummonds? LEM Not no Drummond. Don' know no Drummonds. Jest passin' through. Name's Lemuel Roberts. ABNER Roberts? You the Deadeye Kid? LEM [sigh, weary] Used t'be. I's retired. ABNER But you don't stand with them Drummonds? LEM I stand pretty much as you see me. ABNER [thinks a moment] You's s'posed to be mighty good with a shootin' iron - any chance you'd like a job? LEM I don' take sides. ABNER It wooden take long. You and me, we cud end this hyear thing once and fer all. LEM [sigh] I ain't a shootist no more. Fight yer own battles. SOUND HOOVES, CONTINUING UNTIL STOPPED FANSHAW [whispered] I say, what if he shoots you in the back? LEM [snort] Won't make no never mind. He ain't no danger. FANSHAW [realizing something] Oh! [beat] I'm always surprised that you see things like that so much more clearly than I. LEM Yep. [dry sarcasm] I'm the lucky one. MUSIC AMBIANCE WESTERN TOWN SOUND ONE SET OF BOOTS ON WOOD SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, BOOTS STOP AMBIANCE SALOON PEOPLE [talking, slight lull in conversations] SOUND BOOTS CONTINUE, DOOR SWINGS SHUT PEOPLE [Conversation resumes] FANSHAW [quietly] You certainly know how to make an entrance. LEM [quietly] Don' see too many strangers hereabouts. BARKEEP Certainly don't. We're a mite off the beaten path. What'll you have? LEM Whiskey. FANSHAW I could do with some myself. LEM [sighs, then loud, to bartender] I dint see no sign. What's the name of this here town? BARKEEP Locknaw. FANSHAW [excited, but still very quiet] I knew it! I'm quite sure there's a castle Lochnaw - I shall have to look that up. SOUND ONE GLASS BEING SET DOWN AND POURED BARKEEP Like I said, we don' get many strangers hereabouts. No need fer a sign. LEM Reckon so. [drinks quickly, reacts] I heerd tell of some feudin' up this way? P'raps why you get no company? BARKEEP Did that blasted Hap Tarbox try and hold you up? [calling] Sheriff? LEM No, no - I met someone, but he was might near civil. FANSHAW You call that civil? SOUND OFF - CREAK OF CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH LEM They ain't no need fer... You-- you all gotta female sheriff? FANSHAW I say--! BARKEEP [hurriedly, under his breath] She's the only one no one-- SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP SHERIFF NELL I'm Sheriff Milford, but most folks just call me Sheriff Nell. LEM Don' take you very serious, do they? SHERIFF NELL They don't have much choice. Is there anything I can help you with? BARKEEP Tarbox's up to it again. SHERIFF NELL That's preposterous. I've got him locked up. What's your name, stranger? LEM [reluctant, but rapid] Lemuel Roberts. I saw someone-- BARKEEP [belligerently, resents sheriff] Someone tried to stop him in the road and it surely weren't Abner Tarbox. FANSHAW I say, why? LEM [trying to calm them] Dint nobody try to stop me. I was just sayin I met someone on the road. SHERIFF NELL What did he look like? LEM I dint-- FANSHAW Just under 6 feet tall, ginger hair, perhaps 60 years old, ruddy complexion-- LEM [undertone] tsch. [up] --Dint get a good look at him. He'us in the brush. BARKEEP That's Hap-- SHERIFF NELL Hush. Let's have a seat. SOUND FOOTSTEPS SHERIFF NELL This ...person... did he say anything? SOUND SQUEAK OF CHAIRS LEM Ast if I was Tarbox or Drummond. When I said I dint know neither one from Adam, he passed on... on by. FANSHAW [chuckle] SHERIFF NELL When was this? LEM n'hour or so. See here, what's a'goin' on? FANSHAW Yes, this is perfectly fascinating! SHERIFF NELL [sigh] Tarbox - Drummond feud. Started long before I arrived in town. They've just about managed to kill each other off. The only ones still fighting are Hap Tarbox and Jake Drummond, and neither one has any children, so Locknaw's just keeping its head down until one or both is done in. LEM And you're the only one they all-- SHERIFF NELL I was made sheriff because I'm the only one in town with no kin on either side. I came to Locknaw as schoolmarm, if you can believe it. SHERIFF NELL (continues) Took this on since it was the only way to keep them from shooting up the town every Friday night. Now they just terrorize each other - and strangers. FANSHAW Perhaps we can help? LEM I'm not much of one fer interferin'-- SHERIFF NELL That isn't what I've heard, Mister Roberts. LEM [Sigh] FANSHAW Your reputation precedes you. LEM I cain't never get away from it. FANSHAW [with Nell] Double negative. [chuckles at Nell's reaction] SHERIFF NELL [with Fanshaw] You shouldn't use a double negative like that. [NOTE she does not react to Fanshaw's comment.] LEM I don't rightly care. SHERIFF NELL I'm so sorry. Old habits. I'm-- [sigh] Sorry. If you truly don't want to interfere, I'll-- LEM I dint not say that - neither. SHERIFF NELL [laughs] FANSHAW You're smarter than you act sometimes, "podner." LEM Only, it's more on account of what I used to be, than what I am, if you take my drift. SHERIFF NELL I'm afraid I don't. Quite. FANSHAW He's a reformed man. Trying to make up for the things he feels he has done wrong. LEM Let's just say that if I still were who I was, I'd prob'ly be wantin' money fer this. Being who I am now, I'm just tryin' to -- well, get inta providence's good books. SHERIFF NELL Expiation. FANSHAW My precise word. LEM Naw, just payin' back for my sins. MUSIC AMBIANCE WOODS, ONE SET OF FOOTSTEPS IN UNDERBRUSH FANSHAW Are you sure this is safe? LEM You don' have to come along. You're sumpin' of a trial. FANSHAW That's the sort of thanks I get! If it were not for me-- LEM You know I don' mind the comp'ny, I jest meant-- SOUND LOUD SNAP OF TWIG FANSHAW Was that--? LEM A twig. We should be jest about there, if'n I reckon right. [grunt] Yep - it's cleared out over thataway. FANSHAW That will make a delightful change. SOUND CRUNCHING THROUGH BRUSH, THEN FEET ON DIRT FANSHAW [low] I say, look there, Lemuel. LEM [low] I see her. [up, very deferential] Ma'am? Ma'am? MARILEE [gasps, taken completely by surprise] Oh! LEM Ma'am, please, we don' mean no-- FANSHAW --any-- LEM --no harm. Jest want to set and talk for a spell. Are you Marilee Tarbox? I was told I might find you hereabouts. MARILEE [utterly bewildered] I-- I-- What are you doing here? FANSHAW We've come to speak with you, my dear young lady, about the - ahem - altercation between the Tarbox family and the Drummonds. MARILEE I'm afeared that'us all my doin'. LEM That's why we come. Can you bear to tell it? MARILEE I'us s'posed to marry my removed cousin Abner Tarbox, but I'us took with love for Eb Drummond. So young and fetchin-- FANSHAW How utterly tragic! MARILEE Ayep! As t'was, I dint make it nowheres. Never did get to church. After-- well, Abner and all brought me back here, and here I's stayed. FANSHAW And of course, Abner couldn't marry you, after all that had happened-- MARILEE [shocked] That's crazy talk! LEM Don' pay Fanshaw no mind. He's furren. They talk plumb crazy all the time. FANSHAW Lemuel! LEM Miss Marilee, so you's tellin' us that it was you harin' off that started up the feud? MARILEE S'all I know about. [ashamed] O'course, no one much talks to me no more. FANSHAW That is most definitely their loss, miss Tarbox. You are as lovely as a veritable posey in springtime. MARILEE [smiling] Crazy but sweet, aincha just? MUSIC SOUND MORE BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW I don't see what more we need to know - Miss Marilee's abscondance was the root of the conflict. LEM I jest don't see it. It ain't -- drastic enough, to my mind. FANSHAW Trust me, it takes very little to set Scottish blood afire, even at this far remove! SOUND GUN SHOT FANSHAW Was that--? LEM Yup. That one WAS. Stay here. SOUND DROP HEAVY BAG ON HARD GROUND LEM [Calling] I ain't yer enemy! Whoever y'are, I ain't none o' this! Jest want some palaver. JAKE Ain't a Tarbox? LEM Wouldn't even if'n I could. FANSHAW [off] I'm not even going to try... LEM [low] Hesh. [up] Can I come on? You see my hands, a'right? JAKE [beat] All right. Come on, then. LEM [to Fanshaw] Keep shut. I don't fancy getting' kilt here. FANSHAW [off, fading] Right-ho, Lem. SOUND WADING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH JAKE Who are you, then? LEM Lemuel Roberts. You can call me Lem. EB [coming on, wheezy] Looks like a Tarbox t'me. JAKE Lem. I'm Jake. You holdin' iron? LEM Left it yonder. JAKE [grunt of acceptance] So what you come fer? EB He's scouting fer them. LEM How bout you'n'I set a spell? JAKE I reckon we cud do that. Lord'a'mighty, put yer hands down - you look right silly. LEM Thankee kindly. [grunt as he sits] EB You cain't trust him, cain't trust none'o them! JAKE Lemuel Roberts. Seems like I heered that name somewheres. EB He's the Deadeye Kid! Just goes to show them Tarboxes are yeller enough to hire theyselves a gun! LEM [grudgingly] Folks sometimes call me... the Deadeye Kid. JAKE Thassit! [suddenly suspicious] Them Tarboxes, they pay y'all to come on up here? LEM Nope. [sighs] I-- I don't rightly know why I'm gettin' inta the middle o' this-- EB He's a low-down dirty liar! Check and see if he got him a forked tongue. LEM Mister Drummond, I reckon the only folks I'm speakin' for here is the town. They ast me to try and stop all this trouble, and here I am. They jest ast me cuz I don't haveta live here, and I-- well, I guess I ain't a‑scared of much. [slight snort] EB You shud be! My boy here can shoot the eye out a silver eagle at twenny paces! JAKE [snort of disbelief] Y'all are gonna sort this here out? Cain't think how you spect to do that. This'us been goin' on for a donkey's years, and Hap ain't about to rein in none. He's a curly wolf 'n no mistake. Time and again, I tried to reach some kinder accord with him, but - well, I shore wooden be s'prised to find that boy was plumb rabid. EB That whole family got polecat in it somewheres. Ain't none of the menfolk right in the head. LEM But you'ud set down if'n he did? JAKE [blows out air, thinking, then doubtful] I reckon I cud, but I cain't see my way to trustin' him, nohow. He'd lie soon as look atcha. EB Don't you go trustin' them Tarboxes, boy! LEM If I sort this out right, he shou'n't have nothin' left to be afired up about. JAKE He was borned afired up. Hmm... [beat] Well, [slaps his thighs] Least I can be hospitable. You a drinkin' man? LEM I wouldn't say no to a snort. SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER AS JAKE GETS UP JAKE [going off] Be right back. SOUND FEET ON GRAVEL WALK AWAY LEM [waits a second, then] And you, sir? EB Me? Eh? No one lissens to me! LEM Might you be Eb Drummond? EB [sly] I might.... but not to any Tarbox. LEM Marilee sends her love. EB [flabbergasted] Marilee? How'd you know Marilee? LEM Talked to her, jest as I'm talking to you now. Figgered the boy wouldn't understand, so I waited to tell you. EB She-- Is she--? LEM I spect she's much as you remember her. They never managed to get her hitched, if that's what you're worrying about. EB Then ...what happened--? SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL RETURNING JAKE Make it myself. Old granddad's receipt. EB Boy does take after me. SOUND CREAK AS JAKE SITS SOUND BOTTLE TOP OFF, POUR INTO TIN CUP JAKE Get yerself around that, then. LEM [reacts - powerful, but not bad] JAKE [chuckles] Kicks, eh? LEM [coughing slightly] Like a cougar in a carrysack. EB Yep. Bites and scratches all the way down. JAKE [chuckles] EB Boy! Yes you. LEM [very understated] Hmm? SOUND OCCASIONAL SIPPING, POUR OF ANOTHER DRINK, THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING EB [whispering throughout] Them Tarboxes, they said Marilee brought me a poke of gold coins, as a dowry-like-- JAKE So you're fixin' to end the feud? LEM Yep. EB --and that's what started the intire mess. When they - they ...found her-- JAKE I'd be happier than a pig in swill if this was over. EB --the coins weren't nowhere. She never had 'em! JAKE I cud settle down. EB You b'lieve me, dontcha? JAKE Maybe raise me up some kids. LEM Yep. [slight change in emphasis] Sounds mighty nice. JAKE It's Hap Tarbox won' letcha snap it off. LEM Reckon I'll ask him hisself. SOUND CREAK AS HE GETS UP, DUSTS HIS SEAT LEM Afternoon. JAKE Here's luck. EB If you happen across Marilee again, tell her I- I'll come for her. LEM I'll carry that. MUSIC FANSHAW Gold? I was quite certain this all began with love. LEM Gold moves jest as many mountains. FANSHAW Yes, but you must consider - Love may very well vanish into thin air, but gold must have actually gone somewhere. LEM Plenty o' folks, these parts, ‘d bury it. No one'ud ever know. FANSHAW Oh, come now. A secret is only a secret if no one knows it. Did he say how much gold? LEM Spect he dint know. Not likely they'd a given no reckonin' to them they's accusin' of rustlin', no ways. FANSHAW [sigh] Sometimes I truly despair for your grammar. LEM [smile] My Grammar's dead. Keeled over when I wasn't but a pup. FANSHAW [sound of exasperation]. MUSIC AMBIANCE TOWN SOUND HOOVES - ONE HORSE SOUND HORSE STOPS, CREAK OF A DISMOUNT SOUND BOOTS ACROSS WOODEN PLANKING, KNOCK ON DOOR SHERIFF NELL [off] Come on in! FANSHAW This Hap fellow isn't likely to be very cooperative, after his incarceration. LEM Let me do the talkin'. SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE FANSHAW [muttered] As always... LEM Sheriff? Ma'am? SHERIFF NELL Mr. Roberts. Have you had any luck? LEM A mite. Can I jaw with your prisoner for a spell? SOUND HEAVY LEATHER CARRYSACK BEING SET DOWN SHERIFF NELL Hap? Certainly. Though I must warn you he's not very cooperative. Right through here. SOUND JINGLE OF BIG KEY RING SOUND LADY'S FOOTSTEPS FOLLOWED BY SINGLE SET OF HEAVY BOOTS SOUND LOCK UNLOCKS, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE FANSHAW [off, calling, slightly disgruntled] I'll just wait out here, shall I? LEM [muttered] That's jest fine. SHERIFF NELL Hmm? SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP, JINGLE OF KEYS AGAIN LEM Ah'm startin' to see what mighta caused all this. SHERIFF NELL How? I've had Hap and Jake each at one time and another in lockup here, and neither one seems to know - or they simply won't speak of it. LEM Ah'm good at listenin' to them as no one else pays any mind to. SHERIFF NELL Whatever do you mean? LEM [he said too much] Um, old folks, crazy folks, injuns - them kinds. SHERIFF NELL [puzzled] Hmm. LEM If'n it gets the job done, I reckon the path I take don't matter much? SHERIFF NELL [sigh] Too true. Well, see what sort of a path you can turn up in there - but I'm afraid you'll find it a rather crooked one. SOUND DOOR OPENS, BOOTED FEET GO IN HAP Wuzzat? SHERIFF NELL Someone wishes to speak with you, Mr. Tarbox. Please try and be civil. HAP You can go to blazes, bezom. SHERIFF NELL Such a fine upstanding character. I want nothing further to do with him. SOUND BOOTS SLOW INTO ROOM. DOOR SHUTS. HAP You can go to blazes too, who'e'er y'be! LEM Kinda dark in here, ain't it? HAP It's the pokey, nit. ABNER Hey! I clapped eyes on you afore this - on the road! You said you wasn't involved! LEM I ain't involved in none of this, jest trying to help the Sheriff keep the peace. Now, she says Hap - that's you, ain't it? - is one o' them making trouble. ABNER It's them Drummonds! They's the ones started it, stealin' our gold! HAP This is all them Drummonds' fault! We're jest tryin' to get back our own! LEM I unnerstand that. Now if'n I can nose out what y'all lost, get it back to you, would you agree to end this - make peace? ABNER My own cousin was kilt fer that gold! That varmint Eb Drummond tricked her into stealin' it, then crevassed her once't he done got hold of it! HAP [not convincing, too sly] I reckon I might could set down - long as Drummond does. ABNER Her folks was took hard - losing both daughters in jest one season. HAP Y'all come back when Drummond turns peacable, ya hear? LEM [muttering] Two daughters? HAP What? Wazzat? LEM [disgusted noise, then strangely inflected] I'll speak with you again soon, feller. HAP Soon? hah! MUSIC AMBIANCE WESTERN TOWN STREET SOUND ONE PAIR BOOTS ON WOOD OR HARDPACK, WALKING SLOWLY LEM Didja see him? FANSHAW Yes. While you were in conference with Tarbox, I took a look around - [heavy sarcasm] as much as I can manage on my own. LEM And? FANSHAW Jake Drummond was certainly watching when we left the Sheriff's office. What shall we do now? LEM I'm sore tempted to break Hap Tarbox out the pokey. FANSHAW Surely you jest! Lem, that would be madness! LEM It'd be one way to end everythin'. FANSHAW Do you mean--? LEM You put two rabid dogs in one corral, you're bound to have at least one less dog. FANSHAW But Jake... He seemed like a rather reasonable fellow. LEM That's all at's stoppin' me. SOUND PAPER UNROLLS FANSHAW What the devil is -- [confused] a wanted poster? [very dry] You're holding it upside down. LEM Don' matter-- SOUND PAPER IS ROLLED UP LEM --I jest took it. Wanted sumpin' to make Jake wonder. MUSIC SOUND BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW I don't see why we had to come all the way back out here. You've already spoken with Marilee. LEM I reckon she might have more t'say about them two lost girls. FANSHAW Do you feel it's so important? LEM Everthin's important - right up til you know what ain't. This - well, I reckon its jest sumpin that got overlooked, and I cain't leave a loose rope to dangle. FANSHAW Colorful. Do you still hear Jake behind us? LEM Reckon I do. SOUND LEAVE THE BRUSH, BOOTS ON HARD PACK FANSHAW Aha, the lady is expecting us. MARILEE [coming on] Y'all came back! FANSHAW Of course! Simply to gaze upon you would brighten any man's day. MARILEE [giggles] LEM [disgusted] Now that the courtin's done with, you two want a hayloft somewheres? FANSHAW I say! LEM You say plenty. Miss Marilee, we come back fer two reasons. First, Tarbox said sumpin about two girls died the year the feud started-- MARILEE My sister might could tell you more-- JAKE [off] What in tarnation is wrong with you, Kid? LEM [calling back off to Jake] This'll only take a moment. You might want to-- EB [off] Marilee? MARILEE [breathless] Eb? FANSHAW Now I see your scheme! You romantic fool, you! LEM [calling] Jake, I need to apologize fer leadin' you all to hell and gone-- [BEHIND JAKE AND LEM, MARILEE AND EB EXCHANGE ENDEARMENTS - HE STARTS TO SOUND YOUNGER, LESS CROTCHETY] JAKE I should say so! What you want with in a place like this? [slightly weirded out - it is a graveyard] They ain't nothin' here. LEM I been thinkin' that mebbe the answer is here somewheres. JAKE Here? Buried? Was that paper Tarbox gave you a map? LEM No map. See, two young ladies - were taken from their family, right about the start of all this, here. I'm reasonable sure Marilee weren't the cause, so I have to ast myself, what about the other one? MARILEE Jenfaire? What do you know about her? LEM Sheriff Nell says your sister left behind a child and a husband who weren't much more than a drunk and a troublemaker-- EB That's a Tarbox all right. Beggin' your pardon, my dearest dove. MARILEE He'us a beast. He hurt her so bad when he got too much white lightnin inta him. LEM So I ast myself who would need the money more, if'n she were plannin' on lightin' out fer parts unknown - a newborned mama, or a girl gone to marry? JAKE But Jenfaire Tarbox, she was Hap's Grandma. LEM So Sheriff Nell said. JAKE She never dint go nowheres. LEM Not like she planned, no. HAP [off] Hold it right thar! Hands up, both of you! LEM Down! JAKE No! SOUND SCUFFLE, THEN GUNSHOTS [from off] WHICH PING OFF OF STONE. JAKE I reckon there's one good thing about meetin in a place like this. [grunt as he rolls up to shoot] SOUND CLOSE GUN SHOT JAKE Plenty o' cover. LEM Dammit, I'm trying to end this peaceable. JAKE Go out there and tell that sidewinder, then. I'll put up when he does. FANSHAW Lem, he's behind a tree north-north east of here. If you roll to the left, he won't have a clear shot. LEM Right. Jake, you stay put. Gimme some cover, but don't waste yer lead. JAKE [almost enjoying this] Oh, I got plenty. LEM Just cover! SOUND SCUFFLE AS LEM ROLLS AWAY. A COUPLE QUICK GUN SHOTS FROM OFF, ONE FROM NEAR - THEY GO ON SPORADICALLY IN THE B/G LEM Get Marilee over here. I need Jenfaire. FANSHAW Right ho! LEM [yelling] Abner? Abner Tarbox! HAP It's Hap, you chicken-brained dog-breath varmint! JAKE [hissing] Course, it's Hap! Abner got hung last month over to Conners Gulch. LEM [muttered] Dammit. FANSHAW Here is Marilee. Shall go and I fetch Abner for you, as well? LEM [sigh] Yeah. If'n you please. MARILEE Jenfaire don' wanna come. She ain't fit for comp'ny. LEM I ain't company, woman. Think o' me as the law. EB [sounding much younger] Yes, darlin', lissen to the-- ABNER [off, coming on] Let go of me - you city slickin' furriner! EB What the blazes! ABNER [grunt of effort] Hah! [shocked] Marilee! MARILEE Abner! EB Stay behind me, Marilee. SOUND GUN SHOTS CONTINUE ABNER You little mink, runnin' off on me. EB You dint take no time a'tall to fetch you another bride, Abner Tarbox. ABNER [sarcasm] Right. I plumb fergot it were almost five years afore you finally hitched up with Ellie Dean. MARILEE Oh! EB I had to, darlin'-- LEM I hate to break up this li'l tea party-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM But if'n we don't sort things out right quick, your 'last remainin' will be joinin' you. JAKE [off] You say sumpin, Lem? LEM [calling] Talkin' to m'self. [quieter, urgent] Get Jenfaire. MARILEE [going off] I'll try... ABNER [low] Eb, Don't you never tell that purty little girl this, but I was jest as happy to see the back of her. EB What? Why? ABNER I's never sure but that we was a mite too close fer kissin, if'n you see where I's aimin'. EB Oh! LEM Sounds t'me like, if the gold's found, this whole thing can be done with. MARILEE Jenfaire's here. Talk. LEM Jenfaire? Where? FANSHAW She prefers to stay out of sight, Lemuel, but she will answer. LEM [Sigh] I'ud rather look folks in the face, but-- Jenfaire Tarbox, wha'd you do with them gold coins? JENFAIRE [distant, wispy, teary] I-- I hid ‘em under the cowshed, in a leather poke. I meant to go back and..., and git. Just git away-- but the baby come early. LEM I see. JENFAIRE --and I-- I dint make it. LEM Thank you ma'am, fer that. You go on back now. I'll try and turn this stampede. EB Can I-- I can stay here, with Marilee, cain't I? LEM Reckon I don't know, but you can try. [Up] Hap! I know where the gold is. I'm standin' up, and if you shoot me, there ain't no one else alive can tell you where to find it. FANSHAW Must you rub it in? SOUND NOISE OF STANDING: CREAK OF LEATHER, PULLING SELF UP ON HEADSTONE, ETC. HAP [off, calling] Tell Jake to throw down his weapon. JAKE Ain't gonna happen! HAP Tell him-- LEM Ain't gonna happen, Hap. But Jake is gonna walk away, and you and I are gonna go on and get yer coins. JAKE [whispered, still hunkered down] I ain't! LEM Jest go. SOUND [beat, then] JAKE STANDS, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL MUSIC BUILDS NOT A CHANGE SCENE, JUST A DRAMATIC MOMENT SOUND CLICK OF HAMMER ON REVOLVER SOUND GUNSHOT, SOMEWHAT IN SLOW-MO SOUND SECOND GUNSHOT - GOES WILD, RICOCHET. JAKE [yell of surprise] HAP [off] Unggh! [impact] FANSHAW Oh, good shot. JAKE [turning around/coming on] What in tarnation?! SOUND BODY DROP, OFF HAP [off, death rattle] LEM [under his breath] Damn. MUSIC SOUND HIS AND HERS BOOTS ON WOODEN PLANKS SHERIFF NELL So Mr. Roberts shot Hap? JAKE The critter was fixin' to shoot me in the back! He couldn't not do it. [beat] Ma'am. SHERIFF NELL Did anyone else witness this? JAKE Nope. I'm plumb sorry miss, I mean sheriff, ma'am, but it was jest the three of us. [beat] And all them headstones. SOUND BOOTS STOP. DOOR OPENS SLOWLY, WITH EFFORT SHERIFF NELL Ungh - what is -- wrong --? JAKE Let me help ya, miss. Ungh -- SOUND DOOR OPENS GRUDGINGLY, SOMETHING FABRIC IS BEHIND IT SOUND MUFFLED CLINK SHERIFF NELL A rotted old leather sack? MUSIC SOUND TWO HORSES HOOVES FANSHAW You could have kept some. LEM [down] Sheriff Nell there will see it gets put to good use - mebbe fer a church or a school or sumpin. FANSHAW You did the right thing. That town is free of a terrible burden. LEM [down] My hands done it. Dint give me no time to think twice. FANSHAW If not for your interference, Lemuel, a good man - Jake - would be dead. [beat] Try to think of it this way - you ended the feud with but a single shot. LEM [starting out of slump] Yeah, I reckon a single shot kin have some kind of power. FANSHAW Yes. LEM [kidding, sly] Like that shot heard round the world? Jest over a hunnert years ago? FANSHAW [huffy] Yes, well. LEM [chuckles a bit] MUSIC OUT CLOSER NOTE: Poem with the line shot heard round the world was written in 1837.
A poor but nerdy taxidermist is hired to mount the trophy of a lifetime. Cast List Debra Meeks - Emmatrice Devan Curt - Cole Hornaday Dougie - George Dunn Da Boss - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Olsen - Femnomena Zalmoxis - Danar Hoverson Roderick - Julie Hoverson Music by Deied Theme music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson [Taxidermy pics used with permission from Custom Creature Taxidermy Arts] "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell?" ************************************************************************ A STITCH IN TIME Cast: Olivia Debra Meeks, lonely taxidermist Curt Buchner, low-level thug Dougie Block, ranking thug William Buchner, high-level cultist Mrs. Olsen, next door with cats Zalmoxis, ancient god OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND INSIDE CAR NOISES (not driving), RAIN SOUND RADIO TURNS OFF, MUSIC OUT CURT [sincere] Nice night. DOUGIE Nice? You like rain? CURT [eager] Yeah. Course, it's better when there's lightning too. DOUGIE You wouldn't want to be in the car then - too much metal CURT [eager] Oh, no, just the opposite - the tires would protect us. Keep us from being grounded. DOUGIE Right. Whatever. CURT [musing] Especially wouldn't want to be outside if you had a metal plate in your head. DOUGIE A what? [half a laugh] How many people do you actually know with a freaking metal plate in their head? CURT Um... [thinks] six. DOUGIE Six? you know six freaking people with -- Nah! You're so full of shit your eyes are brown. CURT Six. Benny the geek, Mr. Jones, my gramps - got his in Okinawa, my uncle Lenny - in Nam, my niece Bevvy-- DOUGIE Your niece? She see action overseas too? CURT Don't be silly, she's five. Playground accident, but she's doing fine - her dad even shaved his head to match hers so she won't feel so self-conscious til her hair grows back to cover the scar. DOUGIE So who's number six? CURT Hmm? DOUGIE That's five, who's six? CURT Oh! [chuckles] Me. DOUGIE Great, runs in the family. CURT Guess you could say that. I-- DOUGIE Oops. Time to bring in the packages. Don't want to be late - you know the boss. SOUND GETTING OUT OF THE CAR DOUGIE "D. Meeks, Taxidermy" Hey - that's funny, "D. Meeks" CURT Huh? DOUGIE You know, D. Meeks'll inherit D Earth, and all that. [laughs] CURT [missed it by a mile] Oh. Um, I guess so. DOUGIE [Exasperated noise] MUSIC DEBRA [very uncomfortable, searching for excuses] Never done anything big - I mean, I did take a prize for mounting a bear, but it was a really really small brown. WILLIAM ["mob boss"] I don't think you understand my... uh... position, dear lady. I have come to you, not with a request, but a requirement. DEBRA But why me? WILLIAM I have seen your work, and know of the prizes you have taken, and believe you are the only one who can do the job I need done with the grace and skill I need it to be done with. SOUND THUMPING AS SOMETHING BIG AND HEAVY IS DROPPED IN HALL. THEN A TENTATIVE KNOCK AT THE DOOR WILLIAM [sigh] Both of which are qualities sorely lacking these days. [sigh] Raoul, let them in. SOUND FOOTSTEPS DEBRA What exactly do you need stuffed? WILLIAM We will get to that in a moment, first-- SOUND DOOR OPENS WILLIAM --Ah, Curt, Dougie, so glad you could join us. DEBRA [quiet, to herself] That's funny, I once had a cat named Doogie. No, that's wrong - I once stuffed a cat named Doogie. DOUGIE [fawning] Glad to help, Mr. Williams. SOUND DOOR CLOSES WILLIAM The young lady here is Debra Meeks - a true artiste. I believe you have something for her, Dougie? DEBRA [quiet, to herself] Doogie mouser. DOUGIE Right here, Mr. Williams. CURT [Snickers, getting her joke] SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BRIEFCASE SET ON BENCH, LATCHES SNAP, CASE OPENS DEBRA Holy crow! Is that--? WILLIAM Two-hundred, fifty thousand dollars. Which, coincidentally, is just about twice your total debts, what with the failing business and the house and all - rounded up, of course, since no one likes small change... DEBRA And I just have to do the one job? WILLIAM Just one. But I must have your absolute assurance and agreement before I can show you the subject in question. DEBRA [thinking, muttering] I could really-- SOUND SQUEAKY TOY DEBRA --really use that, wouldn't have to do any more crummy data entry-- WILLIAMS The offer expires in 30 seconds, my dear young lady. Please think quickly. DEBRA [muttered] Hang gliding, jello body rub, Trip to Mall of America, scatter dad properly... WILLIAMS Five. Four. Three. DEBRA All right. Whatever you want. WILLIAMS I do require absolute discretion. Can you guarantee that? DEBRA Ye-es. Yes. WILLIAMS Good. Why don't you boys bring in the other package. DOUGIE Gotcha. Sir. SOUND DOOR OPENS AGAIN, HEAVY ITEM ROLLED IN DEBRA [gasp] MUSIC DEBRA [hyperventilating into a paper bag] CURT Come on, it ain't that bad. DEBRA But -- [gasp, goes back into bag] CURT You musta seen all kinds of dead things before. SOUND BAG SNATCHED AWAY, SQUEAKY TOY STARTS UP DEBRA Not a person! CURT Just think of it as a really big ... badger or something. WILLIAMS [off, sweet] Are you ready to hear the rest of your commission, Miss Meeks? [harder] Curt? CURT [calling over shoulder] Just about. [back to her] Come on. DEBRA Badger. Right. [deep breath] A big, [gasp] bald, [breath] badger. [bad accent] We don't need no steenkin'-- CURT [low] You might want to stop with the squeaking. I think it's getting on the boss's nerves. DEBRA The..? SOUND SLOW LET GO OF THE SQUEAK DEBRA Oh. It helps with stress. CURT Yours, maybe - but his...? Ya know. DEBRA Um-hmm. SOUND SQUEAKY OUT WILLIAMS So glad you could rejoin us. I apologize for the shock this must be, but you see now why I was forced to extract your agreement before I could show you the subject? DEBRA Uh-huh. SOUND SLOW SQUEAK, IN-OUT MUSIC DEBRA [irritated, "move out of my way"] Excuse me. DOUGIE [snort] DEBRA Can you bring ... that ...on in here? I have to... well, I have to see what needs to be done. DOUGIE It's not as heavy as it looks. Get it yourself. I'm just supposed to keep an eye on you. Make sure you don't phone no one or louse this up. DEBRA Your boss said you were supposed to make sure I got it done right. DOUGIE Yeah, well, who's stopping you? DEBRA [loud sigh/growl of exasperation] SOUND ANGRY FOOTSTEPS, TRYING TO MOVE A HEAVY OBJECT [COFFIN] ON WHEELS, BUT BANGING INTO WALLS DEBRA This is a two person job! DOUGIE I ain't in the mortician's union. DEBRA Fine. SOUND COFFIN LID RAISES, SLAMS INTO WALL DEBRA It would be the feet end. [sigh] Ok -- ew! SOUND SCUFFLE OF FABRIC, SQUEAKY TOY GOES A MILE A MINUTE DOUGIE Leave off, already! DEBRA He's still warm! Ew! MUSIC SOMBER, FUNEREAL SOUNDS THROUGHOUT, ODD PLOPS AND DRIPS, CUTTING NOISES CURT So if you've won all these awards, how come you're broke? DEBRA Not much call for taxidermy, these days - PETA, all that. We fly a little under the radar, since fur coats are a bigger splash in the news, but we take our share of flack. SOUND HEAVY PLOP CURT So why do it? DEBRA I'm good at it. You don't stop doing something you're good at just cause no one cares, do ya? CURT But what if what you're good at doesn't ... well... get you anywhere? SOUND ALL AMBIANCE STOPS, EXCEPT DRIPPING NOISES DEBRA [wipes face with back of sleeve] Like what? CURT I ran track. A lot. But what does that do for you, unless you want to be a fugitive on Cops? DEBRA [giggles] CURT Why're you taking off your glasses? DEBRA Just trying to picture you with your face all blurred out. SOUND CUTTING AND NOISES BEGIN AGAIN, A MOMENT OF JUST THIS, THEN: DEBRA How'd you go from track to - um - CURT Wiseguy? DEBRA Is that what it's called? CURT Good enough. [shrugs] Mister Williams is my uncle. It ain't a bad job. [beat] What got you into this? This dead animal stuff? DEBRA Promise you won't laugh? SOUND SQUEAKY TOY CURT Sure. DEBRA No really, promise. CURT I promise. DEBRA I was about seven. It was a - bad time. My folks were using me as the tug in a divorce tug-o-war, so I took apart my teddy bear, to see what made him squeak. I very carefully picked out the stitches and pulled this out‑‑ SOUND SQUEAKY TOY CURT Your keychain? DEBRA No, I put it on there years later. CURT Most kids, when they operate on a toy, decide to become doctors. [shrug] Or serial killers. DEBRA Yeah, but I restuffed and sewed him back up again. Over and over again. I kept sewing different things into him, too. Trying to see how much I could hide in there. SOUND BIG PLOP DEBRA Uhhh. Hand me the hose? MUSIC AMBIANCE SCRAPING SOUNDS DEBRA I had to choose between maintaining the carcass or the skin. Your boss indicated he needed the skin as intact as possible-- SOUND MAGAZINE PAGE TURNS DOUGIE Whatever. You know, I ain't actually listening to you. DEBRA --So I won't be able to make a mold from the original carcass, since I'm having to sacrifice the smaller bits, like fingers-- What? DOUGIE I'm not listening. DEBRA Why not? You could learn something. DOUGIE I could also lose my lunch. [sigh] SOUND MAGAZINE SLAPPED DOWN DOUGIE How does a moderately cute dame like you end up elbow deep in guts on a daily basis? DEBRA I-- I don't know. SOUND SQUEAKY TOY A COUPLE OF TIMES DOUGIE You almost done here? The boss is supposed to be back with your next set of instructions this evening. DEBRA Just the hardest bits are left - you know - very delicate, paper thin skin, lots of crenellations. I wonder if I could just cut 'em off, hollow 'em out, and rebuild 'em later? DOUGIE [very creeped] Ohhhhh. Now I'm really not listening. Urp. SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR DEBRA What's he got against ears? MUSIC WILLIAMS And the progress? DEBRA I got the hide off, but it's not all in one piece - humans just don't come apart that easily. Our... skin... is really ...um.... too thin. I can stitch it back together, but there's also no pelt to cover up the stitches-- WILLIAMS The stitches will be fine. And I've brought you the stuffing materials-- DEBRA Mounting. We prefer "mounting". Anyway, really what I need next is a drum of grease cutter - mild dishwashing liquid'll do - don't want anything too harsh that'll dry out the-- WILLIAMS Dougie will get it for you. [an order] Won't you Dougie? For now, I have brought you your mounting materials. You understand that it is very important to use what I brought and only what I brought. I even have special thread for you to use for stitching it all up again. DEBRA But I - I need a framework - heavy sculpted foam works just fine, [slowing a bit] though I can't exactly order off the rack for-- WILLIAMS You may have noticed this project is ... unique. SOUND RUSTLE OF A LARGE SHEAF OF PAPERS WILLIAMS I have very specific requirements as to how you are to proceed. SOUND KNOCK AT THE DOOR WILLIAMS What is that? You were supposed to-- SOUND SQUEAKY TOY GOES LIKE CRAZY DEBRA I'll tell them to go away. DOUGIE [menacing] If you don't I will. MRS. OLSEN [muffled] Debbie? Dear? It's time! DEBRA Oh, jeez. WILLIAMS What? DEBRA My landlady Mrs. Olsen - we have this standing agreement that whenever one of her cats dies, She brings it on in. MRS. OLSEN Debbie? I know you're in there! DEBRA I'll go get Roderick and put him on ice until I'm done with [swallows nervously] your project. WILLIAMS Won't she notice if it takes longer than usual? DEBRA Nah. She's pretty gone - up there. I'll just keep telling her she only brought him in yesterday... SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS DEBRA Psst. Don't let her see you. DOUGIE Hmph. SOUND DOOR OPENS MRS. OLSEN Oh, there you are, Debbie. Did I catch you in the crapper? I'm so sorry, but poor Mr. Roderick's time has come. DEBRA I'm so very sorry. MRS. OLSEN That's all right. He's in a better place. Cream and honey. Cream and honey. Here's his poor little body. You always do such a good job for me, Debbie. DEBRA I know. Yeah. I'll bring him back to you when he's ready to rejoin the family. MRS. OLSEN So kind. Now I must get home - Roderick's about to have kittens! SOUND DOOR SHUTS DOUGIE I thought ... Roderick was dead. DEBRA She names all her cats Roderick. Saves on changing the names on the bowls. DOUGIE How many have you--? DEBRA Thirty four. DOUGIE How many does she--? DEBRA Depends on how big a litter Roderick has. MUSIC WILLIAMS So, now you have these big bags of-- Dougie? DOUGIE Yeah? Uh, here, boss. SOUND HEAVY BAG DUMPED ON FLOOR, CRUNCHES WILLIAMS We'll just call them Tana leaves. Got it? They must fill up the bulk of the body. SOUND BAG BEING POKED DEBRA They're kind of pokey. Might tear the ... hide. Can I grind them? WILLIAMS Hmm. I don't see why not - but let me get back to you on that before you go off and do something unfortunate. DEBRA Ok. Um... SOUND SQUEAKY TOY WILLIAMS [waits a second, then] Yeah? Speak up? DEBRA I only ask, because it does affect how I do my job, ok? WILLIAMS Only ask what? DEBRA Is this - the whole thing - something that needs to...um....last? Is it going to be moved around a lot? WILLIAMS Let's say - yes. DEBRA And you really sure you don't want a central framework? Not even wire reinforcement? WILLIAMS That's what I said. DEBRA I need to reinforce the hide somehow or those leaves will rub the crap out of it. CURT The skin can tear real easy. DEBRA Yeah. WILLIAMS I'll check on that. You got stuff to do until I get back to you, right? Good. MUSIC SOUND SOMETHING LARGE PULLED OUT OF WATER. DRIPPING CURT What's all that? DEBRA Once all the fat's sloughed, you have to cure the hide. Stop it from rotting. Attracting insects. You know. CURT [shudder] Bugs, man. I hate 'em. DEBRA Why? They're... Well, they're kind of everywhere. CURT That's part of the problem - no matter what you do, they're there. They don't keep out, and they don't go away. DEBRA That's why hating them is so - pointless. CURT Mostly they just creep me out. DEBRA Let me guess. Did you grow up with cockroaches? CURT Palmetto bugs. Huge freaking whistling cockroaches. DEBRA I lived with cockroaches for a while. [almost a chuckle] CURT You think they're funny? DEBRA Only when you spray them with non-stick oven spray by mistake. CURT Why? DEBRA They go sliding down the wall, little legs pumping - ee-eh ee-eh ee-eh. They get completely freaked out. CURT [half teasing] Now you creep me out some too. DEBRA [pleased snicker] MUSIC SOUND PHONE RINGS DOUGIE [around a mouthful] Figures. [quickly swallows] DEBRA Shouldn't you get that? DOUGIE Tell me somethin I don't know. [one last gulp] SOUND PHONE PICKED UP DOUGIE Yeah? Right. Fer you. DEBRA Ok. [really hesitant] Hello? SOUND SQUEAKY TOY - one squeak WILLIAMS [phone] I got an answer for you. On the leaves. DEBRA Uh huh? WILLIAMS [phone] No grinding. Apparently that's out. You can cut them up some. I'll show you. I'm also bringing some other things you can use for packing. DEBRA Oh. Good. WILLIAMS [phone] We don't want him walking around like a big old teabag, eh? DEBRA [trying to keep it in, but it comes out a whisper] Walking? SOUND SQUEAKY TOY WILLIAMS [phone] Uh. Figure of speech. DEBRA Goodbye. [gulps] SOUND SQUEAKY TOY, SLOW RELEASE MUSIC SOUND THREAD BEING SNIPPED DEBRA There. That's nice. That thread hardly shows, doesn't it? DOUGIE [off] You talking to the dead guy again? DEBRA [covering] No. SOUND PACKING DOUGIE [off] Oh, hell, no. What's this bag next to my lunch? DEBRA Roderick. DOUGIE A dead cat? That ain't hygienic! DEBRA Technically your lunch is in HIS cooler. DOUGIE Yeah, like he's gonna be the one to object. DEBRA [to body] No more than you will, Bob. SOUND PATS CORPSE, SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES MUSIC SOUND COMPUTER KEYS TAPPING DEBRA Tana Leaves. One N or two...? Hmm...! WILLIAMS [off] Find her. DOUGIE Hey chickie? SOUND HASTY KEYSTROKES DEBRA Just a sec! DOUGIE What are you doing? [annoyed, yelling back] She's on the computer, boss! WILLIAMS [coming in, tsks] What did I say about that? DEBRA You - well, you didn't say anything... You said not to contact anyone, and I didn't - wasn't. I was looking up ... delicate stitching techniques for very thin hides. Remember, I haven't done this before. WILLIAMS Hmm. DEBRA I wouldn't have said anything to anyone. After all, I promised. WILLIAMS You need to look anything else up, you ask Dougie for your laptop. [commanding] Dougie? SOUND LAPTOP SLAPPED SHUT MUSIC SOUND SQUEAKY TOY THROUGHOUT TO PUNCTUATE DEBRA I'm worried about .... well, what this is all FOR. CURT Maybe it's not that bad. Like the Aztecs. DEBRA The Aztecs? But they were... pretty bad. CURT No, no they weren't. Not to them. I mean, we all think "ooh, human sacrifice" and "man I wouldn't want my heart ripped out" right? DEBRA Usually. CURT But we don't realize that was the way they believed. They figured without constant sacrifice, the world'd actually end. They had to feed a bunch of hungry, thirsty gods, who had a really big human jones. DEBRA [slight snicker] CURT For the victims, it was like winning American Idol - you got to be famous for a day. DEBRA Um. [deep breath] But didn't it hurt? CURT Oh, yeah. But they were all kinda masochistic back then. Hurt yourself to prove how tough you are and stuff. They'd even pierce their tongues and run cords covered in thorns up and down through the hole. DEBRA On the victims? CURT No - the bigwigs did it to themselves. DEBRA Ugh. But this.... CURT Look, I'll see what I can hear - without asking too many questions, you know? [teasing] I don't want my heart ripped out. MUSIC DEBRA [whispering] Oh, Roderick. I'm so sorry about this. But I have to see... SOUND STUFFING LEAVES DEBRA And a little of this... SOUND GRIT BEING SCOOPED DEBRA And a few stitches..... There. And we wait. What's the worst that could happen, eh? SOUND SQUEAKY TOY MUSIC CURT I got a metal plate in my head. DEBRA [interested] Oh? Where? CURT About here. You can see the scar if you want. DEBRA I've never seen a metal plate - I mean, animals don't usually get them, and I've always mounted animals. I mean, not that I'd want to mount you, just that it would be kinda different-- [shocked] oh! CURT No, no - I understand. I didn't think you'd want to, uh, mount me. SOUND SQUEAKY SQUEAKY DEBRA I mean, I'm sure you're very nice and all.... CURT I'm nicer up and walking than with a stick up my butt - or at least that's what my mother always says. DEBRA Oh. Yeah. [nervous laugh, then double take] She says--? CURT No. Just wanted to see you laugh. DEBRA [laughs] Where's Dougie, anyway? CURT He ain't feeling so well - he says. DEBRA Figures. CURT Are you getting close to done? DEBRA Kinda. It takes a lot of work, especially sewing the fingers and stuff back together. SOUND AWKWARD SILENCE CURT I-I hope I didn't gross you out with the whole Aztec thing. I just figured that-- well, being in your profession, you might-- DEBRA Have a strong stomach? CURT No. Well, I mean, yes. Yes, but. But I figured that maybe you would be the kind of person who could take a step back and look - I mean, there are a lot of people out there who don't understand what you do and why you do it and why you love it, right? DEBRA Yeah, but I don't kill anyone. Any thing. CURT I'm just comparing the misunderstanding. To themselves, they were just doing what they had to do. They probably thought "hey, those Mayans, they're some crazy freaks!" DEBRA Or "wow, those Incas - you wouldn't believe what they're up to!" CURT See? You got it. DEBRA Yeah. Ok. CURT So, there was really a point before I wandered a bit. What got me all started here was that this has something in common with the Aztecs. DEBRA It does? CURT Well, yeah - they had this one god, and this is a really good example of misunderstanding - named Xipe Totec [zhippy toe-tec] who they called the flayed one-- CURT --cuz each year the sacrifice was flayed and the skin preserved for the priests to wear for the upcoming year. See, now, to us that's disgusting, but to them it symbolized life, fertility, and the changing of the seasons. Cuz each year, like a seed sheds its pod, the priest would eventually shed the long-dead skin and be a new man. DEBRA [uncertain] I guess I can see that. CURT 'Course, the victim was probably flayed alive, so-- DEBRA ew! SOUND SQUEAKY TOY SOUND SCRABBLING NOISE CURT [casual] What's that? DEBRA [trying to sound casual] Don't... know. SOUND SQUEAKY TOY GOING A MILE A MINUTE CURT It's coming from the bathroom. DEBRA I'll look! CURT No let me. DEBRA I - I guess. SOUND DOOR OPENS, RUNNING CAT FEET CURT AND DEBRA [both gasp] CURT Just a freaking cat. DEBRA [completely freaked out] Yes. Must be one of the Rodericks. CURT Jeez. [calming her] It's OK. He musta come in through the window or something. DEBRA [barely a whisper] Something. MUSIC DEBRA Keep an eye out - there was a cat in here yesterday. It was pretty freaky. DOUGIE Hey, at least it ain't some damn dead thing. DEBRA [shudder] Yeah. DOUGIE You don't like animals? DEBRA Live ones are too messy. Eating and pooping. Dead ones are much more manageable. DOUGIE It's kinda cruel, though ain't it? DEBRA Why? They're dead. It's just whether they end up cute forever, or rotting in a ditch somewhere. CURT Like all those people who say we shouldn't eat meat - sure, just let all the cows go. They won't survive on their own. DOUGIE Do you have a point? CURT So is it more cruel to put them out to starve? Do those people expect farmers to feed the cows and NOT sell them? Doesn't anyone ever think of the hardship to the farmers? DEBRA I don't eat meat. CURT Oh, sorry. DOUGIE Figures. You make no damn sense, lady. DEBRA Oh, it's not a moral issue. Just that it clogs me up real bad. [beat] That's too much information, isn't it? CURT Um... DOUGIE I'm not listening! DEBRA Still surprised that I prefer dead animals to live people? MUSIC SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP CURT [into phone] Yeah? [up] Debra? DEBRA [takes phone] Yes? WILLIAMS You must be finished by tonight. I will arrive at seven with the final component. Be ready to make the final insertion. DEBRA Where? WILLIAMS [exasperated] At your shop, there. DEBRA No, I meant where does it go? I need to finish sewing everything else up, if you're looking to ... take it home tonight. WILLIAMS Oh, right. Hmm. Leave a spot for the heart. DEBRA Ohhhh. MUSIC CURT Do you think that's what the boss is up to? Something like Xipe Totec? DEBRA Hmm. I'd say no. A lot of the herbs and stuff on the stuffing list are old world, not Central American at all. CURT Point. So you rule out my pals the Aztecs. DEBRA How'd you know so much about them anyway? [kindly] Apart from being a complete freak? CURT [chuckles ruefully] Eighth grade history project. I was a crap student, but this one time I shoulda got an A - I did drawings and wrote a lot of stuff - I think I grossed out the teacher, so she only gave me a B minus. DEBRA That's not fair. CURT Yeah. I mean, she raised rabbits. [they both think on that for a moment] CURT I didn't just remember all of it, though - I'm not that much of a geek. I googled it again last night. Refreshed my memory. DEBRA [somewhat relieved] Oh! [beat, then quiet] did you kill this guy? CURT Me? No. I smack people sometimes if uncle needs it done, but I don't whack anyone. Kinda too bad, since the money's real good, but I don't got "the cold" that bad, you know? DEBRA [kindly] You're too sympathetic. CURT [rueful] You say that like it's a good thing. SOUND A COUPLE OF SQUEAKS, THEN A DELIBERATE STOP DEBRA [calm, even] They're going to kill me. CURT What? No o'course not - why would they have paid you, then? DEBRA Any way I look at it, they HAVE to kill me. SOUND STRANGLED SQUEAK CURT [fierce] I won't let 'em. [reasonable] No reason to, anyway - you'll keep your mouth shut, right? DEBRA [resigned] Yeah. SOUND SOME STUFFING CURT Oh, hey, I almost forgot - the boss mentioned a name. DEBRA Name? CURT I think it's what he's doing - what the whole point of this is. DEBRA Oh. [very dry sarcasm] That helps a lot. CURT Zalmoxis. DEBRA Gesundheit. CURT No, no. I looked it up. And it took a while, too, trying to figure out how to spell the damn thing. It was some old Thracian god. He had something to do with that triangle guy-- DEBRA Who? Isosceles? CURT No. [uncertain] I'm pretty sure that wasn't it. Anyway, this guy got made into a god somehow and promised immortality of the soul. And, get this - the name "Zalmoxis" comes from the Thracian word for "hide". DEBRA Hide, like skin, not like "and seek"? CURT Yup. DEBRA But what does that all mean? I mean-- CURT What I heard the boss say-- DEBRA Yeah? CURT He said "when Zalmoxis arrives." DEBRA Oh. [gulp] SOUND SQUEAK MUSIC SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR DEBRA [surprised shriek] SOUND SQUEAK CURT Don't worry. Everything's gonna be cool. SOUND HIS STEPS, DOOR OPENS CURT Sir. SOUND WILLIAMS AND DOUGIE ENTER WILLIAMS [way too excited] This is the moment. DOUGIE Boss, um, you said-- WILLIAMS Yeah, we got [checks] eight minutes. I was being dramatic. This is a very dramatic moment, Dougie. DOUGIE Sorry boss. WILLIAMS The vessel is prepared? DEBRA The--? Oh, yes. All ready. SOUND A SLIGHT SQUEAK WILLIAMS Very nice. [impressed] Good stitching. DEBRA [trying to sound happy] Thanks. WILLIAMS So the time is nigh. CURT Uncle? Got a moment? Can I ask you something? Like in private? WILLIAMS One moment, yes. CURT [low, confidential] You're not gonna have this poor chick whacked, are you? WILLIAMS [not sincere] Whatever gave you that idea? CURT Look, she's a nice lady. She's no danger to you - um, us. WILLIAMS After tonight, no one's a danger to me. CURT What's that mean? WILLIAMS [chuckles] SOUND CHUMMY SLAP ON THE BACK CURT But--? WILLIAMS [up, dramatic] And now for the final key to unlock eternity! DEBRA [uncertain] Um, ok. WILLIAMS Hold out your hands. DEBRA [almost shaking with fear] Um, ok. SOUND SOMETHING LARGE PULLED FROM A POCKET DEBRA That's - whoa - heavy. WILLIAMS The heart of Zalmoxis. Once it is sealed in his chest, at the right moment, he will rise! DEBRA Now? WILLIAMS No. 152 seconds left. DEBRA Right. Can I put it down? SOUND GUN DRAWN AND COCKED DEBRA [gasps] What? WILLIAMS Let's just call this insurance against you - [pointed] or anyone - trying to stop me this close to my goal! DEBRA Uhhhh. What's... going to happen? WILLIAMS [matter of fact] Zalmoxis will rise and take over the world, and I, being the one who brought him here, will be rewarded with power and glory. DEBRA Oh, Ok. Just say when. MOMENT OF SILENCE WILLIAMS Put it in - I'm watching you! And then start stitching. DEBRA Can someone hold the hole open? This takes both hands. CURT Got it. SOUND MOVEMENT NOISES AS THE HEART IS INSERTED SOUND CAT SCREECH WILLIAMS What the--? SOUND GUNSHOT, CAT SCREECH DEBRA Oh no! CURT Here! DEBRA Jeez, I almost dropped it! WILLIAMS Damn cat. You done? DEBRA Just a few stitches. WILLIAMS You do that, I'll start the ceremony. [begins creepy chanting in the background] CURT I told him you're ok. He don't need to kill you. DEBRA Thanks. Can you put your finger, there? CURT Oh, sure. DEBRA Good. SOUND SNIPS DEBRA Done. WILLIAMS Excellent! Rise! SOUND RUSTLING NOISE DEBRA Oh, jeez! It moved! WILLIAMS He moved. Master! DEBRA Um, Curt, is it--? CURT Yeah. Yeah, it is. SOUND ONE HEAVY FOOT ON GROUND, THEN A SECOND WILLIAMS Master, is the vessel acceptable? It was made to all your specifications! ZALMOXIS The vessel is [choking noise] WILLIAMS What? ZALMOXIS The vessel is-- SOUND SQUEAK, BUT DEEP AND SPOOKY LIKE HIS VOICE WILLIAMS What's that? CURT You didn't--? SOUND KEY RING JINGLES DEBRA Uh, yeah. SOUND DEEP SQUEAK ZALMOXIS No! Flawed! You must die! WILLIAMS Master! [choking noises] DOUGIE Boss? CURT [whispered] We should go. DEBRA Ya think? SOUND SCURRYING OUT, SNATCHING UP A CASE ON THE WAY [the argument recede as they leave] WILLIAMS [choking] Get this thing off me! DOUGIE Come on! SOUND SLAM, DEEP SQUEAK DOUGIE [gurgle as he smacks into wall] SOUND DOOR SHUTS, OUTSIDE NOISES DEBRA [breathless] Did wikipedia have anything to say about if the vessel was flawed? CURT Uh, no. go on! DEBRA But you? CURT Meet you on the corner. SOUND DOOR OPENS, SOUND OF COMMOTION MUSIC DEBRA {making squeaking noises} SOUND EXPLOSION DEBRA Holy crow! [gasp, musing] There's a lot of flammable stuff in taxidermy. CURT Nervous? DEBRA [startled noise!] CURT Track came in handy after all. [chuckles, then serious] I figured we shouldn't let it loose... DEBRA [worried] My ...house? CURT I'm thinking the dough-- SOUND PATS BRIEFCASE CURT Is enough to start a new life on? DEBRA [interested] Or ...two? CURT [pleased] Yeah. SOUND CAT MROW! CLOSER
A town with a strange secret, ripe for the picking by three petty criminals. Sounds a bit too easy, doesn't it? Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Claude - Shawn Connor Lenny - Cole Hornaday Charlie - Risa Torres Host - Bob Noble Bank Teller - Beverly Poole Little Girl - Krystal Baker Waitress - Angela Kirby Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a cheap fleabag motel, can't you tell?" ******************************************** AN HOUR TO KILL Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Claude, a thug Lenny, a dumber thug Charlie, Claude's greedy wife Host Bank Teller Little Girl Waitress OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a fleabag motel in the early 50s, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND DRIPPING OF BAD SINK, DISTANT RADIO TALKING LENNY [hushed, excited] I tell you, Claude, it's a done deal! It was Artie told me, and-- CLAUDE [resigned] And Artie's never wrong. Yeah, I know. [up] Whatchoo think, Charlie? CHARLIE Zip it. I'm listening. CLAUDE To what? CHARLIE Whoever's next door has a radio, [barbed] unlike some, and they got the stories on. If youse two mugs can keep yer traps shut, I can just barely make out what happens to be transpiring. LENNY [quiet] It's just over the hill, Claude. Hop skip and a jump. CLAUDE [quiet] Good thing, too, Lenny. That car we nabbed ain't good for much but skipping. LENNY [quiet] And jumping. CLAUDE [chuckles halfhaertedly] So Artie said this town was ripe for the picking? LENNY Yeah, he said it was real weird, but-- CHARLIE [upset] No! What is wrong with this world? CLAUDE [flat, uninterested] I don't know, what's wrong with it? CHARLIE Them on the other side, they turned it off!! And just when Cynthia was about to reveal the name of the guy who ran off and left her with two kids, then changed hs name and married someone else. LENNY What a bum! CLAUDE [undertone] Don't encourage her. [up] Can we talk normal now? CHARLIE Makes no nevermind now. CLAUDE Apparently Artie told Lenny something in stir last week. LENNY And Artie's never wrong! CHARLIE [hard sarcasm] If he ain't never wrong, why's he in the joint? CLAUDE [snorts] LENNY That ain't the point. He found the perfect score. CHARLIE And he told you about it? CLAUDE Yeah, that does seem a little cuckoo. Artie never did like you much. LENNY But he still likes Cherlie there just fine. I think he told me cuz he knows I'd tell you, and that would help her get some of the nice things she deserves. CHARLIE [cutesy] Really? That big a score, then? Artie might have something going for him after all. Maybe I shoulda married him. CLAUDE You said you didn't like monkeys. CHARLIE I was joking. Just cuz he's kinda short and shriveled and stuff don't mean he might not make a good husband. Ugly guys don't run off so often. LENNY Nobody wants 'em. CHARLIE You would know. CLAUDE [long suffering sigh] Let's get back to the job? LENNY It's this town, see? He says the whole town is like loopy, cuz one day a year, for an hour in the middle of the day, the entire town [slow, with import] just falls asleep. CLAUDE [snort] You're loopy. Artie's throwing you a knuckle ball, knucklehead. LENNY No, he was serious - I could see it in his face. CLAUDE The whole town? LENNY Yeah! CLAUDE And how does Artie know this? LENNY He says he was there. Couple years back, said he was hiding out and saw it happen, so he went back again the next year to see, and it happened again. CLAUDE Why ain't he in there robbing the place? LENNY Says he meant to, this year, but he's gonna be sporting stripes for a nickle. [5 years] CLAUDE It makes no damn sense! Why would everybody fall asleep? CHARLIE Maybe it's something in the water. Or get this-- [ramping up] Maybe it's a curse or something, like in that episode of One Step Too Far!! CLAUDE You've gone one step too far if you're gonna believe Artie and this idiot. [to Lenny] Nuttin' personal, Lenny. LENNY Gotcha. CHARLIE What can it hurt? If it's so darn close, why don't we drive over there and see? We can be ready, and if this "see-ester" [siesta] thing happens, then we take advantage. If not... what's it gonna hurt? CLAUDE What day's it supposed to be, Len? LENNY Tomorrow. Or I should say the longest day of the year, since that's what it is - tomorrow is, I mean, but Charlie, you can't come! CHARLIE And why pray tell not, ya big goon? LENNY Artie only told me on account of I promised I'd see to it that you don't go. I think he wants you to come and visit him instead. CLAUDE That's crazy talk. But you shouldn't come, babe. You'll just get in the way. CHARLIE [incensed] I'll just WHAT? CLAUDE I mean-- there might be guns. I wouldn't want you getting shot or nothing. CHARLIE They gotta be pretty talented in this town to shoot ...in their sleep! Besides, you need someone along who can actually tell time, if all you got is just one hour! [fades out] And if this is supposed to be tomorrow, since I have it on good authority - meaning the morning news - that tomorrow is the longest day of the year - then we had better get our sweet little selves ready to move! LENNY [over her diatribe] But I promised Artie-- CLAUDE [over, too - miserable, to Lenny] Just drop it. Trust me. Once she starts with this, she can't even hear no more. CHARLIE You hear me? LENNY [really quiet] Maybe you shoulda let Artie have her. MUSIC AMB IN CAR CLAUDE Whadda we do if it's all a big put-up job? LENNY It ain't - Artie is-- CHARLIE Stifle! If they don't sack out, you mean? In that case, we're just honest, but weary travellers going on our merry way. Zat so hard to buy? CLAUDE We gotta do something. This flivver's on its last legs. CHARLIE There's always something. LENNY You believe in magic, Charlie? CHARLIE Like Houdini stuff? Hah! Back when I was on the stage, the only thing them clip artists could make disappear was my hard earned simoleans. LENNY But this-- CHARLIE [loud] BUT! Dontchoo interupt me there, Lenny. It ain't polite! [quieter] Hmph. I was tryin to say I could maybe believe in magic like miracles and genies and stuff. Just always figured maybe it was all run out in the world, like the electricity in the meter when you're outta slugs. Ya know? CLAUDE [amused hmph] Oh, that's a nice turn of phrase you got right there, Charlie. CHARLIE [smug] And you thought you only married me for my legs. MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, RURAL SOUND ONE SET OF STEPS ON GRAVEL CLAUDE [relieved and tired] Finally. [sighs] SOUND DOOR OPENS WITH A JINGLE CHARLIE [already arguing] I don't care what kind of hokey-pokey yer pullin here! I want a room and I want it pronto - savvy? CLAUDE [quiet] Oh, lord. [up, weary] What's the noise, sweetcheeks? CHARLIE This fellow says ain't no rooms to be had, not today tonight or any time soon. CLAUDE Yer full up? Out here in the middle of squat all? HOST [old rustic] The young lady misunderstood me. I was trying to explain that this is just a bad day to be here in Lafayette. We got rooms, ayuh, but I wouldn't feel right about just putting you up without warning you folks first. CLAUDE Warning us? Where's Lenny? LENNY [off] I'm pretending I'm somewehre's else. CLAUDE Some help you are. You was saying, pops? HOST [cheerful horror] It's the day we run the hogs. CHARLIE That's disgusting! CLAUDE Hold on, dearest. Let's hear the man out. Hogs, you say? HOST Ayup. Local tradition. Them hogs gets loose all over the town. [self-satisfied] Raise a lotta havoc. Tranple anything that moves, pretty much. CLAUDE It'd be safe in the room, wouldnit? HOST Well, 'spect it oughtta be, but you have to shut the doors and not move an inch. Don't want to call no attention to yerselves. [ominous] Folks round here don' like strangers watching our ways. CLAUDE [sigh] Well, pops, I dunno if you noticed it, but we rode in in the grease monkey's tow. Our heap ain't taking another step, and neither are we. HOST [a little too smug] One room or two? CHARLIE Just get one. Lenny can sleep in the bureau drawer for all I care. HOST [chuckles] CLAUDE Since it's looking we'll need to get a new car soon, I guess one room's all we can spring for. MUSIC SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BAG THROWN DOWN CHARLIE Artie better damn well be right. CLAUDE [hushed] Charlie! Keep it quiet. LENNY [hushed] Even if it works, how we gonna get out of town? CLAUDE We get a new car-- LENNY How? CLAUDE How'd we get the last one, pea-brain? LENNY Oh, right. There must be one or two, even in a boondock like this. CHARLIE The landlord says we got a couple of hours before we gotta hole up [aping his speech] "just enough time to get around some flapjacks". Flapjacks, my eye. They better have a hootch parlor in this flyspeck. CLAUDE Just enough time to case the place. LENNY Oughtn't we to bring the heaters, Claude? CLAUDE Hmm. Nix on that. Don't wanna get caught on the street heeled. CHARLIE Whaddaya mean? So what if someone suspects something? CLAUDE You may hate these chuck towns, Charlie, but their jails ain't nothing to write home about neither. They make our first digs look like the ritz. CHARLIE [disgusted] Oh! MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE. RURAL [note - they're all talking out the side of the mouth] LENNY There's the spoon where the clerk said we could get us some-- CHARLIE Flapjacks? Puh-lease. We got more important things-- LENNY But he got me all hungry, with all his flapjack jabbering. CLAUDE [under his breath] Flapjabbering. [up] Look, we need to split up anyway, cover the ground. Lenny can pick up the skinny at the diner as well as anywhere else. CHARLIE Where you wanna ronder-voo [rondezvous] later? CLAUDE Well... [consdiering] Guess the motel's as good as any place. CHARLIE In forty-five minutes. No more, you big moose! LENNY No sweat - sides, they ain't gonna give me no forty-five minutes worth of flapjacks. Not for what I got on me. SOUND WALKS AWAY CLAUDE And you? CHARLIE I say you and I take the-- [softening] I mean, make a visit to the bank. CLAUDE Who'm I to argue? MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS, DING, A COUPLE STEPS LENNY Hello? SOUND FLAP OF DOOR, HEELS WAITRESS Goodness! I guess I really wan't expecting to see nobody in here today! LENNY Guess not. [pitifiul] Zat mean you're out of food? WAITRESS Mercy, no! We been cooking all day! They'll go through plenty later on, but we can spare a bite or two. What you want? LENNY Flapjacks? WAITRESS [chuckles] You came to the right place. My momma's recipe has taken blue ribbons at the fair for thirty years. Set yourself down, and I'll sling you a stack. SOUND DOOR FLAPS, MUFFLED COOKING NOISES WAITRESS [off some] You want some Java with that? LENNY That'd be real nice. SOUND DOOR FLAPS OPEN, QUICK STEPS WAITRESS Here's your joe, the jacks will be out lickety split. LENNY Hey, uh, the goon at the hotel was saying something about something going on today? WAITRESS Oh, yes. It's the strangest thing, but nothing you gotta worry about - you're just passing through, right? LENNY Oh, no, we're staying at the hotel. WAITRESS [a bit upset] Oh. "We?" Nevermind. You should stay inside, then. It ain't safe being out. LENNY Oh, yeah, he said-- WAITRESS I mean, they're just frogs, right? But they are some vicious slimy little devils. LENNY [baffled] Frogs? WAITRESS Course. Every year they just fall from the sky. No one knows why. Oops-- [sniffs] that's your jacks. Be right back. MUSIC AMB OUTISDE CLAUDE [undertone] Take a peep at the cadillac. CHARLIE That brown heap? CLAUDE Dat ain't brown, ya gob, dat's cham-payne colored. CHARLIE Who you calling a gob, you mug? LITTLE GIRL [off] Hey lady? Would you like a kitten? CLAUDE [[startled] Huh? Oh, Hello little girl. [really false hearty] No, thanks. No kittens for us. You have a real nice day, there. CHARLIE [whispered] Do I look like the kind of chickie who wants some damn animal hanging around? Apart from you, anyway, darling? CLAUDE Watch yer language, there's a kid present. CHARLIE She's probably heard it all. CLAUDE People got manners out in the country. Here's the bank. Stick to the script, babe. CHARLIE Have I ever done you wrong? SOUND DOOR OPENS, SLIGHT ECHO CLAUDE This is nice. CHARLIE [sweet and fake] Oh, honey, maybe everything will be o-k after all! CLAUDE We'll see, dearest. TELLER Can I help you? CHARLIE I'll just have a seat while you handle all that financial mam stuff. CLAUDE [annoyed sigh] You do that. [hearty again] Hello. Sorry about that. TELLER No problem, sir. What can I help you with? CLAUDE We had some car trouble coming into town, and I need to find out if we can arrange to cash a check here. TELLER Do you have an account with our bank, sir? CLAUDE No, I'm afraid I don't. We're with the Merchant Chinatown Association Farm Worker's Union Branch out of Miami. TELLER That's pretty far away. CLAUDE Yeah. TELLER That's going to have to go through my manager. He won't be back until this afternoon. CLAUDE Really? Well, that shouldn't be a problem - we're kinda stuck here. TELLER [strange] Are you over at the motel? CLAUDE You bet. TELLER Ohhh. CLAUDE What? TELLER Nothing. He'll be back in about four hours. CLAUDE Is he part of this whole thing you got going on today? TELLER [nervous] What do you-- whatever do you mean? CLAUDE The clerk was telling us-- TELLER [urgent] Just stay inside and you'll be safe! CHARLIE [coming on] Safe? From-- TELLER THEM! CLAUDE Them? The runners? TELLER The ghosts. CLAUDE AND CHARLIE WHAT? TELLER I'm not from around here, and I'm scared to death. I get to lock myself in the vault for the whole thing, or else I wouldn't even'a come to work today! CHARLIE In the vault, eh? TELLER Yes! CLAUDE Wait a dang minute. Ghosts? TELLER Yes. A bunch of soldiers from back in the civil war. They run through town on this day every year, and destroy everything in their path! CLAUDE Have you... seen the ghosts? TELLER Of course not! I stay shut up tight! CLAUDE Right. [heavy thinking sigh, the working to sound chipper again] Well, maybe we'll see you later then. When your manager's back. TELLER Okey-doke. You stay safe now! MUSIC SOUND EATING SOUND [OFF] FEET APPROACH CLAUDE [outside] wait til we-- CHARLIE What's that smell? SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHARLIE You! LENNY I brought you some! CHARLIE I'm watching my figure, you mope! CLAUDE More for me. Pass that. LENNY Trudy at the diner, she gave me some extra butter too. She did it up right fine. CHARLIE Don't eat so much you slow down! We'll leave you behind. LENNY [talking around a mouthful] Oh, come on, they're real good. CLAUDE [licking his fingers] They are. Look, Lenny, there's something real hinky here-- LENNY You don't need to tell me, Claude! I heard all about-- CHARLIE The ghosts? LENNY The what? CLAUDE According to the girl at the bank, it ain't pigs, it's ghosts. LENNY That don't make no sense! There ain't no such things as ghosts. CHARLIE But you do believe that there might be a town where everyone falls asleep for an hour. LENNY Anyway, it ain't ghosts, it's Frogs. CLAUDE Like frog frogs, or french folks? LENNY Like ribbit, ribbit. They rain down, like in the old weird part of the bible. CHARLIE Yeah, ghosts is lots more nuts than frogs. CLAUDE Why would everyone have a different story? CHARLIE Are you just a moron or what? They're all covering up! Anything to scare us who ain't part of it into keeping shut up for the time they all fall asleep, excepting that they forgot to get their damn story straight. I'd almost'a bought the one about the pigs, but FROGS? LENNY And ghosts. CHARLIE Oh, don't even. CLAUDE It still feels hinky. Like we should-- SOUND TAP ON THE DOOR CLAUDE Stifle. [up] Yes? LITTLE GIRL [off] I have to tell you something! LENNY That's some sneaky girl scout. CLAUDE Shh! Just keep quiet! SOUND DOOR OPENS SOUND MEWING OF KITTENS CLAUDE Yeah? LITTLE GIRL I have to tell you this. You have to listen! CLAUDE I'm listening, little girl. Watch out for your kittens, there. LITTLE GIRL You don't get one. CLAUDE Just tell me what you wanted to--? LITTLE GIRL [solemn] In 15 minutes, the monsters come out. If you leave your rooms, they will eat you. CLAUDE [almost laughs, stops himsefl] Monsters? LITTLE GIRL Yes. CLAUDE What kind of monsters? LITTLE GIRL [exasperatied] The kind that eat people. I have to go home now. CLAUDE Before the monsters get you? LITTLE GIRL Oh, they won't get me. They'll be too busy chasing you. SOUND SHE WALKS AWAY CHARLIE Little street rat! Get her back here, I'll show her what for! CLAUDE No! Let the kid go. LENNY Claude? You think maybe she's right? CLAUDE It's not like she'd make something up like that. CHARLIE Someone told her to tell us. CLAUDE The same someone who couldn't get their stories straight? That don't make no sense. There's something behind all this. CHARLIE So what now, you want to give this all up and sit on your face like an ostrich or something? CLAUDE I never said nothing like that. We should-- we just gotta keep our eyes open is all. MUSIC SOUND CLOCK CHIMES CLAUDE Ready? LENNY [a little shaky] Yeah. CHARLIE Hmph. Yes. CLAUDE Keep cool. If this is all some kind of joke, we need to be ready to act like there ain't nothing going on. CHARLIE Keep your gun handy, Lenny, in case of frogs. SOUND WALKS AWAY LENNY [muttered] Same to you. I would say in case of pigs, but I know how you feel about family. CLAUDE [almost laughs] CHARLIE [sharp] What? LENNY [trying to keep a straight face] Nuttin. SOUND DOOR OPENS, PAPER CRACKLES CLAUDE What's this? CHARLIE Aah - Must be the bill. Give it. We can look it over later. SOUND PAPER SHOVED INTO PURSE MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, BUT MUTED. LENNY Weird, ain't it? Everything so quiet. CHARLIE So everyone's gone to sleep. Or they're messing with us. CLAUDE [shocked] No! Look at this! LENNY Oh, gee! Think we should move her? CHARLIE What are you--? Holy knots! The kid! LENNY And all the kittens! Are they ok? CLAUDE [grunt as he kneels] Well, I ain't gonna hold a mirror up to all them tiny little noses, but they look like they're just sleeping. LENNY They're so cute - you shoulda took one. CHARLIE Are you done yet? LENNY Shouldn't we move her, though? What if the pigs hurt her? CHARLIE Leave the stupid kid! She's the one decided to take a nap in the middle of the street. We got a bank waiting! LENNY I'll-- I'll catch up to ya. I wanna lug the little tyke up onta the porch. CHARLIE Aargh!!! [exasperated noise] Fine! Pick uppa car while you're at it, potater head! MUSIC SOUND BIG DOOR CREAKS QUIETLY OPEN SOUND OUTDOOR NOISES, OFF SLIGHTLY; VOICES HAVE MODERATE ECHO CLAUDE [whispering] The lights are all on. CHARLIE Why are you whispering? CLAUDE I still got that weird feeling about this - like it's all gonna turn out to be a big joke or something. There's a hook somewehres. There gotta be. CHARLIE We'll ditch it when we see it. For now, let's go to work on that vault. SOUND [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE What was that? CHARLIE [snide] Not a pig, for crying out loud. If you're so damn worried, shall we promenayde to the vault? CLAUDE It was really - strange. I ain't never heard no animal like it before. CHARLIE That just rules out the zoo and Mel Blanc. They're the only animals you ever heard in your whole stupid life. SOUND [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE I just wanna take a look, see if Lenny's coming. CHARLIE Fergit him! I'm your wife - you should be here, lookin after me! CLAUDE [sharp] Did you see that? CHARLIE I see a grown man scared of some owl or something. CLAUDE [on edge] No, there was this dark shape, went behind that buildign over there. Watch! CHARLIE [putting her foot down] No! I want to go inside! [hissed] And I plan to lock the door, whatever side you happen to be on. SOUND DOOR SLAMS AMB OUTSIDE SOUND RUSTLING CLAUDE [calling quietly] Lenny? Zat you? SOUND WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE [gasp] Dammit Lenny! SOUND RUSTLING NOISE, OFF RIGHT SOUND GUN READIED CLAUDE [moving right] Come out, whatever you are. MOMENT OF SUSPENSE, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS CLAUDE [gasp] LENNY [gasp] What's wit the heater, Claude? I ain't done nuttin! SOUND PUTTING GUN BACK CLAUDE Nah, Lenny, it's-- did you hear something weird out there? LENNY Birds. Something. I guess. CLAUDE Charlie's inside. Come on. LENNY Why do you put up with her? CLAUDE What? We're married. LENNY If she was my wife, I'd'a smacked her to kingdom come years ago - I wouldn'a been able to help myself. CLAUDE I love her. [shrugs] And I hate her sometimes too. What can you do? SOUND BIG DOOR STARST TO OPEN SOUND [CLOSE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE SOUND BOTH MEN TURN, DRAW GUNS SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT AGAIN LENNY That's the noise you was talking about? CLAUDE Yeah. Shh. [whispered] Can you tell where it is? LENNY Nuh-uh. MOMENT OF JUST CAUTIOUS BREATHING, THEN SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN BEHIND THEM LENNY and CLAUDE [gasp] CHARLIE Get your keisters in here, you nitwits! Time's a-wasting! MUSIC AMB INSIDE BANK, ECHOEY SOUND COMBINATION LOCK BEING TURNED CHARLIE [whispered] Hurry! LENNY [whispered] That ain't gonna help! CLAUDE Zip it! I'm almost there! SOUND A COUPLE OF CLICKS, HANDLE CLAUDE [angry noise] Agh. Nope. Damn. Charlie, give me something to write on. CHARLIE What do I look like, your secretary? CLAUDE Just find me something, or I'm gonna forget the numbers I already got! SOUND FEET GO OFF SOUND ROOTING AROUND IN A PURSE CHARLIE Here's some paper. LENNY [coming back] I got a pencil from the desk. It's getting kind of dark outside. CHARLIE Great - a storm. CLAUDE Good thing you got that kid under cover. She don't need to catch penumonia. CHARLIE Oh, listen to Mary Curry over here. CLAUDE [sighs] SOUND WRITING SOUND DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE CHARLIE What the hell? CLAUDE That's what I've been trying to tell you about. Cept now it sounds like it's inside here with us. CHARLIE Get that vault open, before they find us. LENNY They? Don't you mean it? CHARLIE It's got to be some sort of Okie joke. These hicks are messing with us. SOUND CLOSER ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE CHARLIE [shrieking] Get it open! CLAUDE My hands won't stop shaking, Charlie. I can't concentrate-- CHARLIE I can NOT believe I am hearing this! CLAUDE [voice rising to a yell] --and you ain't helping! SHUT UP! CHARLIE huh! [affronted] Hmph. CLAUDE [long deep breath, trying to calm down] SOUND CLICKING of DIAL BEGINS SOUND DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE SOUND CLICKS TURN WILDLY CLAUDE Yah! LENNY [nervous, but trying to be helpful] I-I could go and look? CLAUDE No, I think-- CHARLIE Yeah, you do that, knucklehead. Go and kick some heads on these nutballs. CLAUDE [definitive] No. SOUND DIAL TWIRLS QUICKLY CLAUDE We're getting out of here. CHARLIE [angry] Don't you chicken out on me now, Claude! [wheedling] Come, on baby! We're this close to the big score. I can taste it! The only thing in our way is this door. SOUND ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE COMES AROUND CORNER, SKITTERING LENNY And th-th-th-that! [a shriek] Them! SOUND RUNNING FEET MUSIC ALL PANTING BREATHING IN A CLOSE SPACE LENNY What the hell? What were they? CLAUDE I dunno! All I saw was teeth and fur. CHARLIE They're like shrews or something. CLAUDE Nah, they was more teeth than anything else. Even shrews ain't like that. These ain't nothing natural. CHARLIE Well they ain't ghosts, frogs, or pigs. LENNY That just leaves monsters. CHARLIE [after a beat] What? LENNY The little girl, she said it was monsters. SOUND SCRABBLIONG AT THE DOOR BEGINS, GETS LOUDER THROGUHOUT LENNY Oh, holy crap! CHARLIE Sounds like they're eating their way through! CLAUDE And there ain't excatly a dozen ways out of this closet here. CHARLIE There gotta be something! I ain't going out like this. Boost me up! CLAUDE Boost? CHARLIE I think I see something up there. Just like in gramma's attic. CLAUDE [grunt of boosting] Lenny, give me a hand here, wouldja? LENNY Yeah, here - uh! Careful! [he has a kitten in his coat] BOTH [grunt as they push her up] CHARLIE Yeah! I thought so! SOUND GRIND OF WOOD SHIFTING CHARLIE This probably goes to a roof access. [ugh! As she climbs up] CLAUDE Don't kick! Damn! LENNY Watch out! Uhhh! SOUND HER SCRAMBLING STOPS CHARLIE [calling down] Big help you two are. I see cracks of light - bet there's a vent and I can get out onto the roof. CLAUDE And then what? CHARLIE Well, they don't look much like climbers, do they? We can wait it out up there! CLAUDE How the hell are we supposed to get up there? LENNY Whatever we do, we better do it quick! Sounds like they're getting through! CLAUDE Here, I'll boost you. LENNY Nah, Claude - If you get killed, then I'm alone with her, and I can't take that. CLAUDE You dumbo! LENNY Besides, you can pull me up better. Okay? CLAUDE Let's do this. SOUND GRUNST, RUSTLES, THUMPS CLAUDE [long grunt, pulling himself up] SOUND MOVES UP TO THEM ABOVE SOUND DISTANT WOOD CRACKING LENNy [distant] Claude? Come on! My turn! [continues under] CHARLIE oh, Claude! [kisses him] CLAUDE MMm! [surprised, but enjoying the kiss] SOUND WOOD QUIETLY SHIFTED, LENNY CUTS OUT CLAUDE What was that for? CHARLIE Just happy. LENNY [off, screams!!!] CLAUDE shit! You closed the hatch! CHARLIE It's too late for him! LENNY [Scream cuts out] CLAUDE How could you do that? CHARLIE If I didn't you woulda died wit him! I'm protecting you, ya bastard. CLAUDE Where's this damn vent? CHARLIE Say you love me. CLAUDE There it is. CHARLIE What the hell's gotten into you? CLAUDE You're my wife, and I'll get you out-- CHARLIE Out of what? CLAUDE Out of here. Out of this town. But don't expect to ever see me again after that. CHARLIE [freaked] Cluade? How can you even-- SOUND KICKING OUT THE VENT MUSIC AMB OUTISDE CLAUDE [cold] Give me your hand. CHARLIE [meek] all right, Claude. SOUND SCRABBLING CLAUDE and Charlie [grunt as he pulls her up onto the roof] CLAUDE [breathing hard with exertion] [runs his hand over his face] CHARLIE You still got the combination? Just in case? CLAUDE I don't even care no more. CHARLIE Can I see it? CLAUDE No. Where's that pencil? Ah. SOUND PAPER RUSTLES CHARLIE What're you doing? CLAUDE Writing my will. CHARLIE Will? What you got to leave? CLAUDE I dunno, but there must be something I can-- whoa. CHARLIE What? CLAUDE Where'd you get this paper? CHARLIE That? Oh I think that was the note on our door. CLAUDE Damn. CHARLIE What? CLAUDE This woulda been good to know. "So sorry to put you in harm's way, but the boggins is hungry, and if it ain't an outsider, then it's someone in town, and we can't have that. But we did warn you, as tradtion demands, and you had every chance to leave. Thank you for staying!" CHARLIE So it must be over, right? CLAUDE Are you flapping your lips for a reason? CHARLIE [whine] Claude! The note makes it sound like it's just one they need. One outsider. So Lenny-- CLAUDE [cold, hard] You need to shut your trap. Now. CHARLIE [sweetie again] You gonna forgive me, arentcha? CLAUDE [not quite sure] No. CHARLIE Oh, come on, Claudie. We're better off, ain't we? Just you and me, like the old days? LENNY You want old days, I was his friend first. CHARLIE [gasps] SOUND SHE LOSES HER BALANCE A BIT, FEET SLOWLY APPROACH CLAUDE Len! [pleased] I'll be damned! What... happened? It sounded like-- LENNY [freaked out] They were...everywhere. I dunno why they didn't just take me down. They took some chunks out of me, man, but they... stopped. SOUND MONSTER NOISES START SNEAKING IN, UNDER CHARLIE [insincere] What a relief! LENNY Don't you start! I heard everything. CLAUDE Can you forgive me, Lenny? LENNY Yeah, probably. Jeez I hope Peahces is OK. SOUND UNZIP WIDNBREAKER CLAUDE What? LENNY You think we're safe up here? CHARLIE [spiteful again] Apparently, you're safe anywhere. Must taste bad. LENNY Oh, look, he's still asleep. CLAUDE [laughing a little] A kitten? You took you a kitten? CHARLIE You did what? You are SUCH a shit-for-brains. LENNY Leave off, Charlie, or I swear I will-- SOUND NOW BECOMING OBVIOUS, THE MONSTERS ARE DOWN BELOW CLAUDE Shh! It's those things! CHARLIE The shrews? CLAUDE Whatever they are. CHARLIE Can you see them? CLAUDE The roof slopes wrong, I can't get close enough to get a look down. CHARLIE Well, crawl out there! Surely you don't expect me to do it! LENNY I can't leave Peaches. CHARLIE Peaches? SOUND SNATCH, THUMP AS SHE THROWS THE KITTEN AT A WALL CHARLIE [uh! As she throws] There's your damn Peaches. LENNY Peaches!! SOUND SCRAMBLE ACROSS THE ROOF LENNY You killed him! He was justa baby kitten! He never din't do nothing to you! CHARLIE Stop bawling and start helping! LENNY I'll help. Yeah, I know what I can do to help. SOUND MOVING CLOSER LENNY [unh! Shoving] CHARLIE Lenny? What are you doing? Ahh!!! Claude! LENNY Stay back, Claude. CLAUDE I'm just a bit too damn tired to stop you. CHARLIE Claude?!? Ahhhhhhhhh [scream as she goes off the roof] SOUND ROAR OF MONSTERs, grinding chewing CHARLIE [Horrible screaming.] LENNY [calm again] Sorry you had to see that. SOUND MONSTER NOISES DISSIPATE CLAUDE Sorry about your Peaches, Lenny. We'll get you another kitten. LENNY Okay. [pause] Claude? Let's not get you another wife, though, okay? SOUND CLOCK CHIMES 1 O'CLOCK CLOSER OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already... __________________ LENNY Funny thing, though - Why'd Artie tell me about this? CLAUDE I have a feeling he... well... meant for us to come to a bad end. LENNY But he carries a torch for Charlie! CLAUDE Yup. And he said she shouldn't come. LENNY Oh! [musing] Artie's never...wrong. _________________ CLAUDE If anybody who's asleep is safe, I think maybe Peaches saved your life. By sleeping. LENNY [wailing] Peaches!!! CLAUDE Lenny, just hold on to the good times. THE END
Set in the same world as B&B Investigations, but some 30 years later. So while Paul & Donna are Sam Spade, Gretal & Hansel are Starsky and Hutch. CAN YOU DIG IT? ****************************************** Cast List Rebekah Gretal - Risa Torres Vic Hansel - Reynaud LeBoeuf B.O. Wulf - Lothar Tuppan Capt. Meisterburger - Glen Hallstrom Ginger - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fleet - Chris Stockett Shallott - Bryan Hendricksen Juniper - Chris Stockett Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Dr. Fell - Colin McRoberts Goose Gander - Mark Olson TV News - Suzanne Dunn Senator Rapunzel - Julie Hoverson Mysterious Voice - Mark Olson Woodcutter - Justin Cop 1 - Graciespoppy Cop 2 - Colin McRoberts Trainer - Graciespoppy Maitre d' - Philemon Vanderbeck Bartender - James Keeley Woman1 - Sara Falconer Woman2 - Angela Kirby Stumpy - Brody Walker Additional gingerbread men - Cary Ayers, Leonard Keeler, Danar Hoverson Music by Footage Firm, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an alley, can't you tell?" ********************************* Hot Ginger Bread Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Woodcutter, the stoolie Cop1 and cop2 Rebekah Gretal, tough old-school cop Vic Hansel, new-age hippie cop with no fear Goose Gander, affirmative action detective B.O. Wulf, other tough cop Captain Meisterburger - chief of detectives Ginger, nearsighted witch running the cartel Fleet, Ginger's head man Senator Rapunzel Mysterious stranger Shallott, internal affairs TV News Trainer Other gingerbread men Maitre d' Bartender (frog) Woman1 Woman2 Juniper Fell Rumplestiltskin ADD COMMERCIAL BREAKS? OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a back alley in a vaguely familiar city - but an unfamiliar time, can't you tell? 1_OPENING TAG MUSIC - FUNK!!!!! SOUND RUNNING FEET, ECHOING IN AN ALLEYWAY, DISTANT TRAFFIC. POLICE WHISTLES COP1 [distant] Stop! Police! WOODCUTTER Nuh-uh! SOUND GATE CLANG OPEN, FEET RUN THROUGH WOODCUTTER [triumphant] Oh yeah! SOUND FEET SLOW, STOP TO LISTEN WOODCUTTER [gasping but laughing] Lame-ass fuzz. SOUND GUN COCKS COP2 [snide] What was that? WOODCUTTER Oh... uh... [weaselly] I have the right to remain silent? 2_GRETAL MUSIC SCENE WIPE [gym] SOUND PUNCHING BAG WULF Hey Ree, dontcha think that saddle-slap is about to shed some eye-dew? GRETAL [exerting] Nah, Wulf. Momma always said you gotta keep hitting til it squeals uncle. WULF [shrugs] Stranger things have come to pass. GRETAL 'sides, big heavy meeting coming up with the Cap. Needed to cool down a bit first. SOUND PUNCHING STOPS GRETAL Hear you gotta new partner. What happened to Canute? You guys were joined at the badge. WULF [grumpy] New inefficiency program. Ya get too good, ya get cleaved in twain like a bronze war helmet. Plus they needed someone who can stand a pattycake in the car. GRETAL Oh yeah, I heard one of 'em got his shield. [a bit disgusted] Welcome to the future. WULF [dismissive] If this is the future, I'll take Valhalla. You cooled yet? GRETAL Nah, a few more-- TRAINER [from across the room] Anyone here seen Gretal? GRETAL [heavy sigh] Guess I'm done. WULF Good luck. And remember - they only have one pattycake to assign, so it can't be a kettlefull of snakes. GRETAL Words to live by. 3_HANSEL MUSIC SCENE WIPE [CAPTAIN'S OFFICE] CAPTAIN [to someone in the room] I'll be just a minute. [back to phone] I specifically said 3:00 and it's now-- SOUND RAP ON THE DOOR CAPTAIN Never mind. SOUND HANGS UP PHONE CAPTAIN [grumpy] Get in here, Gretal! SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER CAPTAIN Shut the door. SOUND DOOR SHUTS FIRMLY GRETAL What did I do this time? If it's that weasel we pulled out of toad hall, he fell down the stairs. They all did. Ask anyone. CAPTAIN No, it's -- GRETAL Oh, I got it. The fish is talking again? CAPTAIN NO! Sit down and listen! GRETAL Right. SOUND CHAIR CAPTAIN [suspicious] What was this about a fish? GRETAL [too quick] Nothing. CAPTAIN Then never mind... for the moment. I've got bigger ... uh... things to fry. You know they been shaking things up since the corruption stings hit - changing up the partners in the detective posts? GRETAL Doesn't bother me, I don't have a partner. CAPTAIN Not yet. GRETAL I work better on my - what? CAPTAIN New directive, straight from the Keep. Everyone works with a partner, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. GRETAL You know no one can keep up with me! I have the highest manacle rating in homicide! Just last week I stopped that vigilante goat and took down the troll that ate his family. CAPTAIN Your record does speak for itself. GRETAL Frankly, the goat was tougher. CAPTAIN But with the recent corruption issues-- GRETAL [horrified] Captain! You can't think I'm dirty! I even play fair with pattycakes. CAPTAIN Fair, yes. But it's this lone wolf mentality that's got people up in arms. Too many cops without adequate oversight. GRETAL Oversight? I'll show you oversight! CAPTAIN And no, I don't think for a moment that you're a dirty cop. GRETAL Damn straight! CAPTAIN Just a rude one who won't shut up and listen to her damn boss. GRETAL I--! [beat] Fine. CAPTAIN Good. Now you better listen, cause sure as bad things come in threes, there's someone above us just waiting for a chance to come down on us like a sledgehammer-- GRETAL Thor? CAPTAIN [ignoring her] --and take this entire department apart, brick by brick. So while the big eye is on us, we have to play nice. Which means you do as you're told. GRETAL How long? CAPTAIN Til "they're" done. Whenever that may be. GRETAL [wheedling] Why can't you partner me up with Wulf? At least we see eye-to-eye on-- CAPTAIN "Necessary force"? Yeah, that's exactly why he's partnered up with Gander and you get our newest transfer from "CAP". GRETAL Crimes against Pattycakes? Seriously? [disgusted] Am I gonna have to speak in rhyme? VIC [gentle cough] Don't worry. I just work with them. [bitter] I'm as normal as anyone. GRETAL [whirling, annoyed] What the--? [to captain] You never said--! CAPTAIN And you never gave me a chance. Rebekah Gretal, meet Vic Hansel. VIC It's a... pleasure. GRETAL [ignoring him] You're not transferring me? Please tell me we're not-- CAPTAIN You're not going to be CAP, no. GRETAL [to Vic] Hah. Looks like you traded up. CAPTAIN You're both going to be part of a special task force, working in parallel with vice. GRETAL Oh, hell no. 4_WITCH MUSIC WIPE [WITCH'S OFFICE, SULTRY MUSIC] SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP GINGER Yes? STRANGER [disguised mechanized voice] Woodcutter is turning woodlark. GINGER The hell you say. STRANGER The guard has him under wraps. Not even booked yet. GINGER Narco? STRANGER No. They have not been informed. GINGER How did you find all this out? STRANGER A Little pixie told me. Good enough for you to drop a gold ball in the well for me? GINGER Very good. You'll have it by the end of the week. SOUND HANGS UP, CLICK INTERCOM FLEET [deep voice] Yeah, boss? GINGER Fire up the ovens, Fleet. Looks like I'm gonna need a few more good men. 5_BAR MUSIC CUT TO BAR T.V. NEWS In the overwhelming wake of the Aarne Thompson exposés on corruption in the guard, shakeups have been felt throughout the land. WULF Turn it off. GRETAL Nah, leave it. Better to hear what's coming, than get blindsided like I just did. T.V. NEWS Commissioner Oftheguard set the date for his official resignation ceremony. WULF That sucks. GRETAL [very upset growl] The Guard was his damn life. They shouldn't take this crap out on him. WULF He was planning to retire anyway, wasn't he? GRETAL Yeah, but in a hail of glory, not a... rain of frogs. BARTENDER [croaky] Watchoo got against frogs? GRETAL [dismissive noise] T.V. NEWS The hotly-contested interim Commissioner position will be designated by the end of the week, and will hold office until the elections in two months. VIC A lot could happen in two months. GRETAL [completely startled] Oh crap! Where the gilliken did you come from? VIC I've been here for a while. [to B.O.] Hi! WULF Uh, hi. VIC Introduce us? GRETAL Wulf, this is my new partner Vic Hansel. Hansel, this is Brynulf Odegaard Wulf. We just call him B.O. VIC Gotcha. T.V. NEWS Senator Rapunzel had this to say on the eve of the corruption hearings... WULF [annoyed] You want me to invite my partner too? We could play a hand of poker. Start a bowling league? T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I have never been ashamed of my stand on justice. GRETAL [resigned sigh] No. VIC Sorry. Didn't realize I was intruding. But we -um- just got a call. T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I did my time in the district attorney's office, doing what good I could. GRETAL [to bartender] One more! BARTENDER [croaky] Coming right up. SOUND SPLASH VIC Should you--? GRETAL Definitely. T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] And now in my fourth term in the grand high senate to have my own home land turned topsy-turvy like a rolling hedgehog. Now I am ashamed. Ashamed I moved up to the senate, to the castle, and never saw what was happening in the streets so far below my very own tower window. 6_ASSIGNMENT SOUND RESTAURANT MAITRE D' [french and very sneery] Two? You? VIC Inspectors. Checking fire escapes. Just passing through. MAITRE D' Oui oui. I see. SOUND THEY WALK, NOISE FADES A BIT IN HALLWAY GRETAL [suspicious] Meisterburger sent us here? VIC Captain Meisterburger said we were to meet a contact in-- SOUND DOOR OPENS TWO WOMEN COME OUT AND WALK PAST WOMAN1 So I said to him - oh yeah? You want me soooo bad, dad, you can get me a fur coat with snippets from every animal in the entire world! WOMAN2 You didn't! SOUND WOMEN ARE GONE GRETAL Tell me this is a joke so I don't gotta punch you. MIRROR [muffled, from inside a room] It's not a joke. GRETAL The ladies room? We're meeting a contact in the ladies room? AND it sounds like a guy. VIC Check and see if there's anyone else in there. SOUND DOOR OPENS MIRROR If there was anyone else in here, I would hardly be talking to you, would I? GRETAL Holy crap. Get in here Vic. SOUND FEET ENTER SOUND DOOR SHUTS GRETAL This is Shallott of Internal Affairs. MIRROR Oh? Have we met before? GRETAL Lock it. SOUND LATCH CLICKS GRETAL I try to keep up with whoever might be snooping on me. MIRROR Whomever. GRETAL WHATever. And you wonder why I don't much go in for makeup. VIC So ... are you in the mirror, or are you the mirror? MIRROR Potayto - potahto. For all that we clearly aren't going to like one another, Gretal, I've never caught a smidge of dirt on you. And I know your uncle, who vouches for you. VIC Who? GRETAL [vehement] SHHH! MIRROR And Hansel there is so uptight he squeaks. VIC I-- MIRROR You two are just about the cleanest detectives we got. GRETAL [half pleased, half disgusted] Really? VIC Jumping Cow! MIRROR And that's why this can't go through regular channels. GRETAL B-but... Captain Meisterburger? MIRROR This is not a gossip session. This is a briefing. Good. A couple of helmets out of the dickory dock district caught a petty thief - one of the Woodcutter boys - two nights ago. GRETAL Figures. [knowing] Them woodcutters. MIRROR He made a deal, and somehow lucked into talking to just the right person. We managed to make him disappear and have kept him on ice. We know there are still leaks - BIG leaks - in vice, so we can't turn him over to them, even though he claims he's willing to take someone to [importantly] the Gingerbread house. MOMENT OF SILENCE VIC Gingerbread house? GRETAL no offence, but where do you come into it? VIC Ginger bread house? MIRROR We want you to follow along, make sure he's not just selling us a dead cowhide in a sack, and report back. Nothing more - except you don't talk to ANYONE but me. Not the Captain, not your best friend. VIC [louder] Gingerbread house? MIRROR [sneering slightly] I forget, you haven't had to deal with REAL crimes yet. VIC [annoyed] I have so--! MIRROR Gingerbread is the hottest drug on the market, and whoever is distributing it-- GRETAL [smug] whomever. MIRROR This new cartel is making money faster than Midas. They're selling cheap, now, but soon as they have half the city hooked they'll jack-be-nimble the prices, and we're all going to drown in a tidal wave of crime, without even a pea green boat to paddle. VIC And the house? MIRROR Rumor has it there's a central refining and distribution plant, where all the baking happens. We need to find it. If we can call out all the kings horses and all the kings men quickly enough, there won't be time for any dormice in the department - any department - to give the high sign before we take it down. GRETAL Hmph. And here I thought this was gonna be a shit job. MUSIC 7_BONFIRE AMB IN CAR GRETAL You CAN tell me where we're going. SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP VIC [distracted] No, that's ok. Turn left. GRETAL That wasn't a hint, it was a demand. VIC Huh? SOUND CAR BRAKES TO A SUDDEN STOP GRETAL My car. My rules. Where are we meeting this troll? VIC He's a woodcutter, not a troll. GRETAL [warning] AND...? VIC He's being kept in a safe house. SOUND CAR STARTS AGAIN GRETAL Hah. You mean a dive motel near the Shoe. VIC How did you know? GRETAL Educated guess. I've worked protection a few times. SOUND A BIT OF SILENCE, A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMS PAST VIC [hesitant] You sounded like you knew... of... the Woodcutters? GRETAL Bad lot. Ain't a single one of them any good in three generations. Fell in with a bad crowd and never fell out again. SOUND CAR SLOWS, APPROACHES FIRE TRUCK, BIG FIRE GRETAL Let me guess. That's the place? SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP VIC Uhhh... [down] yeah. 8_ELUSIVE MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, OBSERVING THE FIRE FROM A DISTANCE GRETAL Humph. They got the fire under control before it took out the shoe. Big money always survives. VIC Three bodies, but no way to know which unit they were pulled out of. GRETAL Come on. If "our friend" didn't end up burnt to cinders, he's probably long gone. VIC I'm not so sure. Let's walk a perimeter. SOUND THEY START WALKING GRETAL A Perimeter? Fancy talk. Bet you didn't learn that from anyone in Iambic Pentameter. VIC I did have a life before C-A-P. And Pattycakes are simple. Most don't lie at all, and if they do, they don't do it well. GRETAL It's those big round faces. Wide innocent eyes. Not much to hide behind. VIC That, and they just don't see the point. Simple doesn't mean stupid. SOUND SOMETHING CLATTERS GRETAL [hushed rushed] Hold on. Something up ahead. SOUND GUN DRAWN SOUND SHE WALKS SLOWLY SOUND VIC DRAWS MORE SLOWLY SOUND SUDDEN FLURRY OF MOTION - CLATTER OF METAL - RUNNING FEET AWAY. GRETAL Come on! SOUND RUNNING! SOUND CHAIN LINK FENCE, CLIMB GRETAL Damn damn damn! SOUND HITS FENCE SOUND VIC RUNS UP VIC Come on, he's not too far-- GRETAL No. VIC But we can get him! GRETAL That's a no go zone. See the sign? VIC Rampion Limited? GRETAL Yeah. Very private property. Dammit! SOUND HITS FENCE SOUND DOG STARTS BARKING SOUND ALARM GOES OFF GRETAL [sarcastic and bitter] Yeah. That's put a shoe in the loaf. 9_HOME AGAIN SOUND OFFICE SOUND HAND SLAMS DOWN CAPTAIN What have you got to say for yourselves? GRETAL [stony] Saw someone go over the fence - we were trying to stop a break-in. CAPTAIN Why were you even in that part of town? VIC [very smooth] Anonymous tip. Said a firebug was going to hit - and when the motel went up, we thought we might be of some use. GRETAL [a little surprised and appreciative] Yeaah. CAPTAIN [starting low and building to a loud growl] If there is one thing I can NOT stand, it's when my officers think they're smarter than I am! GRETAL [quiet, but getting it] Oh hell. [up, belligerent] Captain, I don't think I'm smarter than you. Just tougher and more in tune with the street. VIC Wait! Wait! We can work this out! CAPTAIN [angry low rumble] The hell you say? GRETAL [nearly yelling] The Pied Piper could stroll back into town playing a mazurka and it would take you and three blind mice to find him! VIC Let's talk calmly about this-- CAPTAIN [to vic] SHUT UP! GRETAL [to vic] SHUT UP! CAPTAIN Give me your gun and shield. You're suspended. GRETAL Fine. SOUND RUSTLE, CLANK. VIC Wait - I - SOUND GRETAL STORMS OUT VIC What ...just happened? CAPTAIN Ask your damn partner. MUSIC A1_CAUSE OF DEATH AMB HALLWAY SOUND ELEVATOR PINGS, SLIDES CLOSED VIC Hold it! SOUND RUNNING FEET, DOOR STOPPED GRETAL What? SOUND VIC GETS IN, HITS BUTTON, DOOR SHUTS VIC What was all that? GRETAL hah. He started it. VIC [concerned] So... what will you do now? GRETAL Hmm? Oh, go to the morgue. VIC Uh.... why? GRETAL See Juniper. Find out what happened at the fire. VIC But... you're suspended. GRETAL [shrug] We only need your badge to get around. MUSIC AMB GINGER'S OFFICE SOUND DOOR OPENS GINGER Ah, Fleet. How comes the army? FLEET Fifteen more, [clears throat] though one stuck and ... and lost part of an arm. GINGER [furious] Who's responsible? FLEET [cowering] It was an accident! Um, uh - not enough butter! GINGER [vicious, but calming] See that it doesn't happen again. FLEET Yes Ma'am. GINGER Are they all ready to run? FLEET [important] It's what we're made for. MUSIC AMB MORGUE SOUND DOOR OPENS JUNIPER [squawky voice] Stay out! GRETAL Is that any way to talk to detectives? JUNIPER Oh, it's you. Fine. But I'm in the middle of a post mortem. GRETAL Aw, crap... VIC Interesting. Do we get to see a body? GRETAL Hell no. SOUND DOOR OPENS, SOMETHING BEING WHEELED OUT. GRETAL Hey Juney. We're here about the dead Woodcutter. JUNIPER Why am I not surprised? VIC Can we see the body? GRETAL [aside] Shut up. [to Juney] What can you tell us about how he got dead? JUNIPER Aren't you suspended? GRETAL Yesss... Show him your badge, Hansel. JUNIPER Aawk. I know you're good for it. How's your uncle doing? GRETAL [forced joviality] Hey Vic, maybe you can take a look at the vic's - uh, victim's - belongings. JUNIPER Dr. Fell will take you through. FELL [grumpy humph] Come on. Moron. SOUND FEET, DOOR SHUTS GRETAL Pattycakes? Even here? JUNIPER Where else will they get to practice? Dead folks are notoriously unbiased. Now. How is your uncle? GRETAL Taking it hard, I guess. Haven't really had a chance to check in. JUNIPER [squawk of sympathy] GRETAL [shaking it off] So? Woodcutter? JUNIPER Didn't die in the fire. The other bodies found with him had inhaled smoke - not him. GRETAL Someone killed him and set it to hide their tracks? JUNIPER Speculation, but sound. When you look over his things, get a whiff and tell me if you smell-- FELL [from off] Aw hell! GRETAL Crap. SOUND FEET, SLAMS OPEN DOOR GRETAL [disgusted] Aw, Vic, what are you doing? VIC [calm] Just wanted to see a corpse. [shrug noise] GRETAL Get a good whiff and then c'mon. we're leaving. MUSIC SOUND IN CAR VIC Do you mind if I smoke? GRETAL Roll down the window. A pipe? VIC Bad habit. Picked it up while undercover with Old King Cole. SOUND MATCH, LIGHTING GRETAL Am I going to have to bust you on a narco tip? VIC [laughs, then changes the subject] I've never met a coroner before. Are they generally large birds? GRETAL You'd be surprised. Juniper's cousin covers the next duchy over. VIC Juniper? GRETAL His real name is something unpronounceable in bird talk - so we call him Juniper. For the tree he lives in. Don't sell him short. He's a dab hand at spotting any kind of hanky panky. VIC Ah. And you call him Juney? GRETAL [evasive] He's an old friend of the family. VIC [knowing] Ah. GRETAL [quickly, covering] What did you find out? [disgusted] Apart from it smells like barbecue. VIC Actually, the smoke had an entirely different tang to it. Something sickly sweet. Can't quite put my finger on it. GRETAL Ew. How can you be so calm? VIC [defensive] Just am. [quickly changing the subject] I found two potential clues in his stuff, though. GRETAL Go on. VIC He had a white pebble stuck in his shoe, and a pocketful of bread crumbs. GRETAL [disdainful snort] Huh. Toast. VIC I don't think so. If I'm correct, I recognize the bread - a special brand of coarse sourdough ...popular with pattycakes. MUSIC AMB ST. IVES, THE PATTYCAKE QUARTER SOUND JUMPROPE RHYME LIKE CHANTING IN THE BACKGROUND, CROWD GRETAL Figures. St. Ives is the center of most of the city's crime. VIC [annoyed, but quiet] And 90% of it is run by Proseys. GRETAL [sharp] What did you say? VIC Nothing. Just that crime hides here, it doesn't always start here. GRETAL So YOU say. VIC You can think whatever you want, but let me do the talking. GRETAL Yeah, whatever. VIC This is my beat. [a little down] Was. Don't worry. My best contact isn't someone you'll have to rhyme to. MUSIC RUMPY You want WHAT? VIC You know, and I know, that you know everything and everyone, Mr. Stiltskin. RUMPY You know I've been getting out of the game, Hansel. Too old. SOUND HAND SLAMMED ON TABLE GRETAL [pissed] Look! Can you or can't you tell us where to find this Gingerbread house? VIC Gretal! RUMPY [unruffled] It's not so much a question of can I, but rather will I or won't I. What's in it for me? GRETAL Public spirit? RUMPY [laughs] VIC Same old. I'll owe you one, and you've cashed in plenty of my markers before. RUMPY And all you want me to do is get you to the center of operations for the biggest dope ring in town? GRETAL Yeah. Peanuts. RUMPY How's your friend Wulf adjusting to his new partner there, [very deliberately, hinting something] Miss Gretal? VIC Hmm? GRETAL [worried, but not sure] Dunno. Haven't had a chance to -- [breaks off, annoyed again] What are you insinuating? RUMPY Nothing, nothing... [thinking noise] Tell you what, I'll make a few calls, see what I can find out. Meet me behind the Cutlery Café in an hour. VIC Good. SOUND FEET, DOOR, AS THEY LEAVE HIM GRETAL [snort] You trust him? VIC He's very good. GRETAL And you're not afraid he's gonna do something stupid. VIC [oddly hollow] I'm not afraid at all. [up] Should we report to Shallott? Maybe we should pick up a hand mirror to keep in touch. GRETAL Don't work like that. Has to be a certain size and quality. Why d'you think bathroom mirrors are so crappy? VIC Ah. MUSIC SOUND ALLEY GRETAL I see alleys are the same all over. VIC Yes. GRETAL Why's it called the cutlery café? Got a lot of sharp cheddar on the menu? VIC [slight laugh] Nah. The dish and the spoon who run it just like alliteration. GRETAL [annoyed sigh] [suddenly up, gasp] Did you hear something? SOUND DISTANT CRUNCH OF A FOOTSTEP, VERY QUIET VIC No... [long sniff, then realizing] THAT's what I smelled. GRETAL What? SOUND ATTACK - PEOPLE RUNNING INTO ALLEY! VIC [with horror] Gingerbread! SOUND BIG SCUFFLE SOUND THUMP MUSIC FADES IN AS THEY WAKE UP GINGER EVIL CHUCKLE GRETAL [waking up, grunt, oww!!!] VIC [weak] Lay still. Breathe. GINGER I don't like cops, do I, Fleet? FLEET [deep creepy chuckle] No, Boss. GINGER Except ones that I own... VIC [calm, curious] I'm guessing we're not the first ones you've... entertained here? [hinting for her name] Miss...? GRETAL What are you--? VIC Shh. GINGER [pleased, superior] Just call me Ginger. What makes you ask? VIC Well... I assume this big metal cage isn't something you just had lying around. GINGER [big throaty sexy laugh] Good point. But I might not use it exclusively for police. VIC Let me guess. Business rivals? People who owe you money? [very knowing] Boy toys? Tough Cookies? GINGER [snappish and annoyed] I'll leave you to ponder that. Fleet? FLEET Boss? GINGER Did you get their weapons? FLEET [whispered] no fingers, boss. GINGER Damn. Take this-- SOUND SNATCHES UP SOMETHING FROM THE DESK, HANDS IT OVER GINGER --and cover them while I disarm them. [muttering to self as she crosses to he cage] ...really need to perfect that recipe. VIC There's always prosthetics. GINGER What? VIC You could make hands that mount onto their arms. GINGER Hmm.... GRETAL Don't help the crime boss! GINGER Hand over your weapons. You can't shoot between the bars anyway. Magic. GRETAL Why I oughtta--! VIC Just do it. That frosted maniac may not have fingers, but I suspect that shotgun was made for his kind. FLEET You bet. GRETAL Hell. SOUND GUN HANDED OVER GINGER And yours. VIC Here. GINGER Hmph. [insulting] Kind of... small. VIC I spend a lot of time undercover. GINGER Hmph. Okay Fleet, round up the troops. FLEET [plaintive] I don't get to kill them? GINGER Maybe later. Maybe just her. [as she leaves] I might keep him around, give him a taste of the product - fatten him up a bit. SOUND DOOR SHUTS VIC AND GRETAL [sigh in relief] SOUND DOOR OPENS GINGER [from off] Leave Stumpy to guard them. Make him earn his keep. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ENTER GRETAL [musing] I don't think I'll ever eat a Gingerbread man again. [hushed, but to Vic] Nice mess we're in. Your contact set us up. VIC [shrug] He only promised to get us in. And ...he did. GRETAL Count your fingers, toes and your children? VIC Kinda. But he's usually a bit more ... self-serving. GRETAL I think I can reach the lock. Got anything I can pick it with? VIC Nothing. GRETAL Well Dammit. STUMPY Shut up in there! VIC We'll just have to wait. GRETAL [thinks, sigh of decision, then angry] If there is ONE thing I cannot stand, it's your defeatist attitude! VIC [baffled by the sudden attack] What? GRETAL It's like I have to do everything in this damn partnership! STUMPY I said shut up! Or I'll shut you up! VIC [getting it] Oh! [angry sounding, but not too convincing] Oh yeah? Well, if you would just take a minute to think instead of running ahead like a... like a ... GRETAL Bull in a china shop? VIC No, a-- GRETAL Giant round of cheese, rolling downhill and crushing all in my path? VIC No! a -- STUMPY [very close] Juggernaut of disaster? VIC No! GRETAL Who cares? I'm going to kill you, and there's nothing this - this one-armed bandit can do to stop me! SOUND SCUFFLE VIC [not very convincing in pain] Ow! Ow! Ow! STUMPY Boss said to take care of him. SOUND CAGE DOOR UNLOCKS STUMPY Not you. GRETAL [whisper] On three! VIC [whisper] right! [up] Ow! You're killing me!! GRETAL I'm going to tear you in three - One, Two, Three! SOUND GUNSHOT, CRACKING OF BROKEN GINGERBREAD GRETAL What? Where'd you get a gun? VIC I never gave it up. Is it "dead"? GRETAL Not sure where to look for a pulse on a Gingerbread man. But he has gone all floppy. VIC Seems logical. All the same, let's lock him in. SOUND FEET, CAGE DOOR LOCKS SOUND BIG DOOR OPENING SLOWLY SOUND DISTANT GUNSHOTS VIC What do you think that is? WULF [DISTANT ATTACK ROAR] GRETAL [chuckle, very pleased] The cavalry. MUSIC SOUND BIG OVEN FIRE, CLOSE SOUND [OFF] FOOTSTEPS COMING GINGER Damn. Fleet! Keep them back! FLEET Right. Men! SOUND SHOTGUNS COCK MUSIC CUT TO OUT IN HALL GRETAL Do you still hear Wulf back there? VIC No. WULF [DISTANT GROWLY ROAR] VIC Yes. Still far, though. GRETAL Damn. We may have that witch nailed down in the baking room, but with just us, and just your gun, we don't have a hope of taking her in. VIC I see. GRETAL How did you get your gun back anyway? VIC Later. Did you see how many of her gingerbread minions she has with her? GRETAL Half a dozen maybe. They all kinda look alike. VIC Take the gun. I have an idea. MUSIC OVEN ROOM GINGER Did you see how many of them there were? FLEET No, boss. Just heard guns, and rushed you in here, as per evacuation plan 7-- SOUND SPRINKLERS COME ON FLEET Noooooooooo! OTHER GB MEN [horrified reaction] Not the sprinklers! GINGER Damn! I knew there was a reason I meant to have those replaced! SOUND FLOPS AND SPLASHES AS THE MEN FALL APART SOUND DOOR KICKED IN GRETAL Hands up! You're under arrest, witch! GINGER Never! SOUND OPENS HUGE OVEN GINGER You'll never take me alive, coppers! VIC Here comes Wulf! GRETAL Step away from the oven! GINGER [laughs maniacally, then screams as she steps into the oven] GRETAL Oh crap! I can't believe she -- VIC Don't get too close! SOUND FIRE WHOOSHES UP MUSIC SOUND BAR VIC How did you happen to show up at the right moment, anyway? WULF A snitch. VIC [knowing] Should I guess his name? WULF Slipped a word to us. GRETAL Us? Oh, right, your new partner. WULF Gander's a well made sword. Cut a righteous swath of his own against those crusty fellows. GRETAL Where is he? VIC Here he comes. GANDER Thought I'd grab drinks for all us here; Hope everybody wants a beer. SOUND SETTING DOWN DRINKS WULF Sit down! You're a warrior, not a wife! GRETAL [a little brusque] Beer's good. Thanks. VIC How are you finding detective work? GANDER Oh... The work is interesting, fine. And they'll get used to me in time. VIC I'm sure they will. GRETAL [Gulps down her beer] We gotta get going. SOUND THEY WALK AWAY CAPTAIN Just the two I was looking for. GRETAL Oh boy. CApTAIN They got the oven shut down. GRETAL And? VIC May I guess? CAPTAIN Uh, sure. VIC No body. CAPTAIn They think maybe it was hot enough-- GRETAL To destroy the corpse? Nah. It was her escape route. Shoulda known. She went in too easily. CAPTAIn Watch your back, Gretal. Hansel, you too. Oh, and... SOUND METAL CLINK CAPTAIN You probably need this. GRETAL Always a pleasure. Feel naked without it. MUSIC AMB CAR VIC You need to cut that guy some slack. GRETAL Who? VIC The new guy. GRETAL Who died and made you wise woman? VIC He just walks up and you start edging toward the door. GRETAL [growls] My problem, not yours. VIC We are partners now. Su problemo es mi problemo. GRETAL Whatever. [changing the subject] So? The gun? How'd you still have it when we were locked up? VIC Oh that. I never gave it up. GRETAL But that witchy boss chick? VIC Gave her my pipe instead. GRETAL And she couldn't tell the difference? VIC I noticed she was very nearsighted. [tsks] These vain women - afraid glasses will ruin their looks. *****************************
Paul and Donna are hired by Prince Waldo Charming to find his lost love - his only clue? A shoe. Cast List Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Goldy Taylor - Rhys Torres-Miller Prince Waldo - Morgan Brown Alexander - Will Watt Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Miss Barbara - Robert Cudmore (YAP Audio) Espadrille - Reynaud LeBoeuf Music by Somewhere Off Jazz Street Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private detective's office in a time sort of like the 1940s, can't you tell?" ******************************************** PUMPS AND SPECTATORS - B&B Investigates, episode 2 Cast: Announcer Donna Bella Paul Bette Goldy Tailor - secretary Prince Waldo Charming Baron Alexander/Cindy Espadrille gruff "stepsister" Barbara, housemother/fairy godmother OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a Detective Agency, can't you tell? MUSIC Scene 1. SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP GOLDY B&B Investigations, may I help you? [beat, then turns belligerent] Look, it ain't gonna happen. ... No. Because the boss don't help no one find tarts. Nope. Never. SOUND HANGS UP DONNA Another missing good time girl? GOLDY Nahhh. Queen of hearts. Ya know. DONNA Oh. Patticakes. Well, if anything real comes in, I can handle it. [annoyed] Just 'cause Paul's not back from the enchanted brute convention as early as he was supposed to be doesn't mean the office shuts down. He may be off doing who knows what with his furred and fanged cronies, but I'm sure he knows he can trust me to take on whatever-- MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 2. GOLDY Man, she had it bad. A case of sea green envy for what the boss might be getting up to with his old college chums. So what they were mostly frogs, bears, and the occasional walrus - she'd heard the sort of thing they used to get up to-- DONNA What are you doing? GOLDY Filling in. The boss should be back any minute, and then -- DONNA Look, I don't need anyone else horning in on my - our voiceovers. GOLDY I just figured you might not want to be the one pouring your heart out in a narrative conceit.... DONNA So you thought you'd pour it out for me? [sarcastic] Thanx. Scene 3. SOUND DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL MUSIC ENDS ALEXANDER Pardon the interruption, ladies. May I announce Prince Waldo Charming? SOUND STRIDES REGALLY IN, FOLLOWED BY AN ENDLESS ENTOURAGE. DONNA Did you have to bring the whole box of toy soldiers? The office is only so big. ALEXANDER [consults with the prince, then] Atten-hut! About face! March. SOUND ENDLESS FEET LEAVE AGAIN ALEXANDER The prince apologizes for the intrusion, but he prefers to keep this as informal and ‑ahem- low-profile as possible. DONNA Sure. I can see that. Why don't you step into the office over here? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 4. DONNA So this was the infamous prince Waldo - the biggest royal catch of the last eight fishing seasons, and far too wily to let himself get hooked. Every princess, rich society dame, screen siren, and various other lesser gold diggers had set their bait for him, and he swam serenely past them all. I'm not among the anglers myself, since I already had my own trophy in sight- my own partner, Paul Bette, away now drinking with his cronies and doing whatever they please in the name of "old times". GOLDY [side of the mouth] You're staring. DONNA Huh? GOLDY [side of the mouth] He's about to get a restraining order. DONNA Oh, um-- Office, right. MUSIC OUT Scene 5. SOUND OFFICE DOOR CLOSES DONNA Well? What can I do for you? PRINCE Coffee? DONNA Certainly. SOUND CLICK OF INTERCOM GOLDY A package just came for you. DONNA Busy now. Goldy? Three coffees, please? One too hot, and two just right? Yes. SOUND INTERCOM OUT DONNA So, what brings you to a private investigator? PRINCE I don't think we need to discuss it until he arrives. DONNA [barely polite] What? [exasperated noise] He is due back soon, but I can help you just as well. My name's on the door too. Well, my initial, anyway. PRINCE [bland, disinterested] Oh? Lovely. I hope you don't mind, but I find this is really a masculine sort of problem. DONNA There are potions for that, you know. ALEXANDER [incensed] Young lady, what are you intimating? DONNA That maybe he doesn't live up to his name? ALEXANDER What's wrong with Waldo? DONNA I meant Charming. PRINCE I'll have you know-- SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN PAUL Coffee? Donna? Why don't you let me deal with these good gentlemen. DONNA What? PAUL [muttered] Go to voiceover. Scene 6. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA [spitting words] So I left the boys to it. PAUL [vo] What Donna didn't know was that I'd been listening on the intercom and knew she'd been about to scratch the eyes out of a very powerful prince-- DONNA It wasn't his eyes I'd be aiming for-- PAUL And it wouldn't do us any good to get on his wrong side. DONNA Does he have a right one? PAUL So rather than subject her to more of the prince's royaler-than-thou attitude, I decided to step in and let her off the hook. DONNA [softening] Oh! PAUL Scoot. DONNA Leave the intercom on. [blows him a kiss] VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES Scene 7. DONNA I'll just scoot then and go get my nails done or something, shall I? PRINCE While nothing could possibly enhance your already considerable beauty, I'm certain that's precisely what you need. [kisses her hand] SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR Scene 8. DONNA Yup. Definitely need to get my nails sharpened. GOLDY Come on. Let's hear what they have to say-- PRINCE [on intercom] Bit of a temper, has she, that girl? PAUL [on intercom, fading to normal voice halfway through] You don't know the half of it. She's passionate about everything. PRINCE Ah. Well, then. Let me get down to the problem at hand. I think you will understand, Mr., um-- PAUL Bette. Paul Bette. Just call me Paul if you like. PRINCE Paul. Quite. And you may call me Prince Charming. PAUL Charmed. [waits for a laugh, nothing] Ah. Your case? PRINCE Well, I have a passing acquaintance with an old school chum of yours, Prince Freddie Grenouille, and he says you are top of the line - both for cleverness and for ... ahem... discretion. PAUL Absolutely. Anything you say won't leave this room. PRINCE Good. I'm sorry to take so long to come to the point here, but this is a very delicate and stressful situation, and I am truly truly desperate. PAUL Go on. Scene 9. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL I'd seen it all, from paternity suits to clearing up the occasional "carriage under the influence" charge. And the royals were often the worst. They could get away with pretty much anything, as long as they were willing to risk the occasional fairy charm or gypsy curse. MUSIC CHANGES DONNA But Charming had never been a "bad boy" - at least not in any way that made it into the scandal rags-- PAUL Hey, what's with the-- DONNA My new voiceover music just arrived by special messenger. I'm trying out a couple of different pieces. What do you think? PAUL Um... DONNA You don't like it. PAUL It's a little ... perky. DONNA Fine. Go ahead and finish up. PAUL Are you ...annoyed? DONNA [snapping] No. VOICEOVER MUSIC CHANGES BACK TO NORMAL PAUL Charming did have a nearly spotless record. He was an athlete - Greco-roman wrestling, fencing, and polo, a supporter of the arts - even acted in a few charity plays from time to time. A general bon vivant. No dark side, or so everyone thought... VOICEOVER MUSIC OUT Scene 10. PRINCE [vibrant] So when I danced with her last night, it was like we'd known each other for ever! PAUL Did you happen to catch her name? PRINCE Only Cindy. When I asked her last name, she merely smiled and changed the subject - she was so alluring! PAUL And you want me to-- PRINCE [desperate] Find her. I must see her again. You can't possibly understand the pressure a thirty-uh-something prince is under to find a bride. PAUL I can see that would be awkward. PRINCE Women are constantly being shoved at me from all sides, and - frankly? I can't stand most of them. They're such insipid little birds. They tell me how fascinating I am, and then proceed to show they know nothing at all about me. They profess to like all the things I like, then don't even know how to spell jai-alai, let alone play it. PRINCE [continued] I've spent years carefully keeping clear of marriage, since it would mean I'd have to spend my entire life with a silly little twit, and would be obligated to listen to her chirp. PAUL And this Cindy? PRINCE [raptured] Completely different. She dressed marvelously, but didn't feel compelled to give me the names of all her tailors. She danced like a dream, but didn't demand I take her for one more spin around the floor, or suggest we walk out on the balcony. And when she said she liked the things I like, she - she actually did! PAUL Can you give me a description? PRINCE About my height - in heels - long glossy dark chestnut hair - a few shades darker than your young lady's auburn - rather like Alexander's here - huge luminous eyes, and long artist's fingers on very strong hands. PAUL Hmm. Alexander, was it? ALEXANDER [slightly panicky] Sir? PAUL Can you add anything? ALEXANDER I wasn't-- I was with a sick friend last night. PAUL Ah. That's awkward. [to prince] Do you have any other clue to her identity? PRINCE Oh, yes. Alexander, the bag. ALEXANDER Sir. SOUND BAG PLOPPED ONTO DESK, SOMETHING PULLED OUT PAUL A... shoe. PRINCE She ran away at the stroke of midnight, and left it behind. PAUL Can I keep this? PRINCE But - she'll need it, when I find her again. PAUL I mean to go over it for clues. I'll get it back to you. PRINCE [sigh of relief] Well, yes, then. I thought-- nevermind. PAUL I have my own female troubles - I have no plans to try and horn in on yours. ALEXANDER You think any woman would throw over [too warm] such a Charming price, for a big brute of a private eye? PAUL [chastened] No. [tries to chuckle] Course not. But I do have to warn you, sire-- PRINCE Yes? PAUL This girl. If she deliberately made herself such a mystery, there may very well be a good reason. PRINCE like what? PAUL She could be anything - a commoner, a ghost, a transformed hedgehog-- ALEXANDER Nonsense! PAUL The point is, you need to face reality and understand that there could be something very shady about her. PRINCE I don't care. She's the only woman I've ever felt this way about, and I plan to marry her - come what may. You find her for me. I shall handle the rest. Scene 11. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL Chauvinist or not, Charming was determined, in that way that only princes in love can be. It was that particular brand of love that drives one to climb unclimbable mountains and fight unkillable dragons, and what do they get at the end? Married. MUSIC CHANGES DONNA Like Charming said, most princesses were simpering idiots with more hair than brains, and I should know - I may not be one myself, but I went to the same prep school. PAUL This? You decided on this? DONNA Give me a break. I can't tell how they're gonna sound until I try them out. PAUL This is awful. DONNA Fine. Let me see the shoe, and we'll go on from there. MUSIC OUT Scene 12. SOUND SHOE SET ON DESK PAUL There. DONNA Nice. SOUND HE SITS IN CHAIR PAUL Do you think it's a little... large? DONNA A bit bigger than mine. PAUL Really, I guess I never really-- DONNA Look at my feet? PAUL [leering a bit] I never make it down that far... SOUND SHE SITS UP ON DESK DONNA Really? PAUL Really. [slight growl] DONNA Question. When I left, did the prince and his friend -uh- make it down that far? PAUL What do you mean? DONNA What were they looking at? PAUL They just watched you leave. DONNA I didn't hear you growl-- PAUL Well, of course-- [suddenly worried] Oh-- you actually notice when I do that? DONNA [dreamy] Of course I do. I don't mind when you-- um, get annoyed on my behalf. PAUL [deep breath] I think we're getting a bit off track here. DONNA Right. Shoe. PAUL No, left. Shoe. Anything? DONNA It's a Dolce-geppeto. They're pricey, but not extortionate. Too bad she didn't mention her dressmaker - that would have been a much better clue. PAUL Well, how many places sell these shoes? DONNA Assuming she's local, maybe six of the big boutiques downtown. PAUL You wanna take those, then? Go ask questions? DONNA Um... No. PAUL You don't want to go shopping for shoes? I mean, [scared] you're going to leave me to hit all these fancy ladies' shoe shops? DONNA I have some ideas of my own to follow up on, and the shoe isn't going anywhere. Tell you what, if you don't get a hit on the shoe in 24 hours, I'll take it. PAUL But - but how do I even ask? DONNA Here. SOUND INTERCOM BEEP DONNA Goldy, could you come in here? SOUND DOOR GOLDY Yeah? DONNA Take this to Rose & Snow's and ask for the style number. Then ask them if they have any record of someone buying this shoe in this size in the last two weeks. GOLDY I don't do legwork. I ain't as young as I used to be. DONNA Buy yourself a pair of shoes - on the office - while you're there. GOLDY Gimme that! SOUND SNATCH, DOOR SLAMS PAUL [brightening] So I could just send her round to every store? DONNA Not at a pair of shoes per trip. We'd run through our entire commission. PAUL What? DONNA I said they weren't cheap. One pair we can add in as a legitimate expense - past that... [shrug] Once you get the style nunmber, you can phone the rest. Well, I'm heading out. SOUND JUMPS DOWN OFF DESK DONNA Need anything? PAUL [a bit lost, watching her] Um, no... DONNA Chow! Scene 13. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL Wo. [deep breath] I thought over the content of our discussion and realized there was something she was keeping back - that secret smile, the strange questions - but while we were talking I couldn't take my eyes off her, sitting on my desk like that, one silk-seamed leg crossed over the other. [growl] She doesn't even seem to notice the effect she has on me, and I'm not sure whether that makes it worse or better - if I tell her, she might just stop, and then I won't even get this much of a-- MUSIC CHANGES AGAIN DONNA What is this, a beer garden? They sent me the wrong box, I'm sure of it. PAUL It's not so bad - for a polka. DONNA Hmph. You done yet? PAUL Uh, yeah - I'll talk to a few folks while I'm waiting for Goldy to get back. DONNA [beat] There are things men just don't see, and which it's probably better they don't. A picture was painting itself in my head, and while it wasn't a particularly tricky answer to the problem of find the girl, it also wasn't likely to have the happiest of endings. Why? I added up a size 11 shoe, a lady who could spell jai alai and a prince who didn't stare at my backside as I left the room, and I got a very queer answer indeed. MUSIC STARTS TO FADE DONNA And it was an answer I wasn't sure my wonderful he-man partner would be at all happy about, which is why I went alone to a boarding house we used to rather snottily call Gamma Alpha Ypsilon, back in my own sorority days. SOUND FEET ON PORCH, KNOCK ON DOOR Scene 14. ESPADRILLE Yes? DONNA Hi, I'm a P.I. and I'm-- SOUND DOOR SLAM DONNA [sigh] SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR DONNA I'm not going away. You can talk to me, or you can talk to my partner, and he ain't gonna understand. SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN BARBARA What do you want? DONNA I'm looking for someone, and I think she might be known here. BARBARA For this you come around annoying my girls? Scaring poor Espadrille half to death? DONNA I have no interest in making trouble for anybody. Please. I just have some questions and would rather not shout them to the entire world. Can we talk? BARBARA [deciding] You tell me what you need, I decide if I'll ask anyone else. Come on - my parlor's over here. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 15. DONNA So I outlined the problem, and Miss Barbara was very upset by the whole situation - she said she was sure Cindy wasn't one of her ...boarders, but that she would ask around. She didn't give me much hope, though. Scene 16. MUSIC OUT BARBARA Tell the poor boy it will never work. Two worlds, all that. He would have to be willing and able to take her as she is - warts and all, as they say - and the chances of that are - pfft! DONNA You might be surprised. BARBARA Honey, I ain't been surprised in years. VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS IN Scene 17. PAUL Were you using the old music again? DONNA I ...forgot. Sorry. But the new stuff is pretty cringe-worthy. PAUL Keep trying, sweetheart. You'll find something. DONNA I hope so. Did you need the voiceover? PAUL Only if you're finished. DONNA [sigh] Yeah, I guess so. I need to think. PAUL So I checked with the photographers from last night's big bash - and found that the mystery just deepened. This Cindy was a slick sister - seemed to always know where the snappers were and managed to keep her back to them all night. Only once did they catch half a profile, head and shoulders with just a glimpse of the side of her face - I told him to blow it up and send it over, along with a dozen of the dress, figuring maybe Donna could play name that dressmaker. Then I decided to catch up with an old friend... MUSIC OUT Scene 18. SOUND BANGING ON A DOOR RUMPY [muffled, hung over] Bugger off! SOUND CLINKING OF COINS PAUL One, two, three-- SOUND DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN RUMPY If it ain't me old pal, Bette. Git yourself inside here - that daylight's too damn bright. SOUND SHUFFLING FEET PAUL It's dark out. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS RUMPY Then what am I doing asleep? SOUND BONK PAUL Ow! RUMPY [amused] Gotta watch them rafters, you old beanstalk you. PAUL [strained, cause he's bending over] I need you to find out about someone for me. A woman. RUMPY Your sweet partner? She running around with other ...dicks? PAUL What? What do you--? RUMPY Nothing. Just wondering maybe she plying her trade - and I do mean detecting, no offense, [sarcastic] my friend - elsewhere. PAUL Of course she's not. She wouldn't-- RUMPY You're probably right. So who did you want me to check over? SOUND CORK OUT OF JUG PAUL [musing] There wouldn't be time, anyway - though she didn't want to take on the shoe-- RUMPY [gulping, then] Whazzat? PAUL Nothing. Um. Right. A woman who was spotted at the Prince's June Glam ball last night. No one seems to know who she was, and she didn't, apparently, have an invite. RUMPY [way sarcastic] Yeah, one look at me, and you just know I'm up on the society pages. PAUL I don't think this dame's "society." I think she's working an angle on the prince, and I want to know if there's a whisper anywhere. RUMPY What's in it for me? PAUL This, now-- SOUND CLINK OF TWO COINS PAUL And twice that if you can deliver. RUMPY C'mon, Bette, old buddy, old pal - I'm gonna haveta drink around for this, maybe float some people. Play the game. PAUL Keep your receipts. SOUND A COUPLE STEPS, THEN SOUND BONK! PAUL Ow! MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 19. PAUL I started the wheels in motion, but nothing would turn up for a couple of days - if ever. [beat] Donna? Are you there? [beat, then worried] I figured she just didn't like the case - she certainly didn't seem to take a shine to that prince. He was handsome, in that tall, cold, blonde princely sort of way, and she always says she hates those guys. [beat] Donna? DONNA Busy now. I'll fill in my part later. PAUL Where are you? Maybe I can come by and help? DONNA Nope. Just interviewing the prince's friend. You go ahead and keep the-- Oops, gotta go! PAUL The friend? Dark haired, willowy, handsome, not so tall. Not a good train of thought to catch, since like any other express, it runs non-stop. [up] I'll just go back to the office then, shall I? DONNA [chuckling breaks off] Hmm? Oh, sure. See you in a bit. PAUL [growls] MUSIC OUT Scene 20. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN HARD GOLDY I see someone's in a bright and shiny mood. PAUL No calls. SOUND STOMPING FEET, OFFICE DOOR YANKS OPEN, THEN SLAMS VOICEOVER MUSIC - new tune, not too bad. GOLDY What did she do? DONNA What? GOLDY Oops - I'll get out of-- DONNA Wait, what did who do? [waits a second] Goldy? Chicken. Fine. Music hold. SOUND MUSIC CUTS SUDDENLY SOUND TELEPHONE RINGS GOLDY B&B Investigations, how may-- DONNA [filter] What were you saying? GOLDY Oh. Boss is kind of upset is all. Figured, um... DONNA [filter, warning] What? GOLDY Well, when he starts slamming doors, he's usually annoyed... um... with-- you? DONNA [filter, long breath to get her composure back] I am in the middle of something, but-- Soon as I'm back, we're going to have a-- GOLDY Oops - call coming in. buh-Bye! SOUND PHONE HANGS UP Scene 21. ALEXANDER Were you finished with me? DONNA Not quite, but I don't think we can talk here. I need you to come to my suite at the Andersen Arms. Tonight at 7 p.m. Alone. ALEXANDER Really, miss Bella, I don't think-- DONNA Sweetie, you're not my type. But we need to talk somewhere a bit more private. ALEXANDER [cautious and concerned] Talk? SOUND SCRIBBLING A NOTE ON PAPER DONNA It's regarding the welfare of the prince, and you know how people leap on-- SOUND HANDING PAPER OVER ALEXANDER Hmm? [reads, gasps, the a bit frightened] Yes, of course. I'll-- I'll be there. Scene 22. NEW MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - KIND OF ROMANCEY DONNA Now to figure out how to tell Paul I wanted to handle a denouement on my own. GOLDY You want I should tell him? DONNA Will you stop jumping in on the voiceovers? We have enough trouble sharing them as it is. GOLDY Fine. I was gonna tell you where the boss is. But since you obviously have everything well in hand-- DONNA Where is he? [beat] Goldy? Hold. Scene 23. MUSIC CUTS OUT SOUND PHONE RINGS DONNA Come on... PAUL [on phone] Hello? DONNA Oh, drat. PAUL [on phone] What? Donna? DONNA Paul, I-- PAUL [on phone] I've found Cindy. DONNA You have? Where? PAUL [on phone] Well, a good solid lead. Should have my hands on her by this evening, but she's a tough cookie to nail down. DONNA Crumbs! PAUL [on phone] What? DONNA If you nailed down a cookie. Nevermind. PAUL [on phone] Why are we talking on the phone? Why don't you just come on into the office? DONNA I - I've got a terrible headache. Think I'll go home and lie down. Be fresh in the morning. Bye! PAUL [on phone] Donna? [normal] Donna? SOUND HANGS UP THE PHONE PAUL Damn. Headache, my eye. SOUND PHONE RINGS, keeps ringing PAUL Goldy? You wanna get this? GOLDY [off] Nah - it's probably her again. PAUL But it's your job to answer the phone... GOLDY [off] I'm on my break. SOUND PHONE PICKED UP PAUL [sighs, then tries to mimic Goldy's voice] B&B Investigations, how can I help you? GOLDY [off] Oy... RUMPY [on phone] You got a cold, Bette? Or just drinking alum? PAUL [normal] Stuff it. What you got, Rumpy? RUMPY [on phone] [chuckles] What you got for me? PAUL I'll meet you tomorrow. RUMPY [on phone] Nuh-uh. [sighs] My expense account musta grown from magic beans - it's just about sky level now. PAUL We didn't-- RUMPY [on phone] Oh, it'll be worth it. Bring your wallet to the Andersen Arms right away. I'm in the lobby. SOUND PHONE HANGS UP Scene 24. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - STILL THE LAST MUSIC DONNA WAS USING, ROMANTIC PAUL What the--? This is... Donna's music? [gulps] The Andersen Arms was a classic old building on Mermaid street, and Donna had lived there for-- RUMPY Did you bring the clinkage? PAUL I'm not there yet. This is still the voiceover. RUMPY [chuckles] Nice grooves. You going soft, pal. PAUL It's Donna's new music. RUMPY So she's going soft? Hmmm... PAUL Look, I'll be there in a second! RUMPY No skin off my nose. PAUL [sigh] Fine. I arrived. Done. MUSIC FADES OUT Scene 25. RUMPY Took you long enough. Cross my palm, and I'll tell you all. SOUND COINS CLINK RUMPY That's what I'm talking about. I've got one interesting tidbit-- PAUL Shh. Hide! RUMPY What? PAUL That fellow, who just skulked in. I know him. RUMPY Friend of yours? PAUL A client. RUMPY Hmm. Is this a consultation? PAUL Hold that thought. I'll be back to get my coins' worth. SOUND STORMS IN THROUGH REVOLVING DOOR RUMPY [going off] I'll start you an account. ORIGINAL VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS PAUL Nope. [beat] Go away. [beat] I'm not saying anything. MUSIC ENDS IN A HUFF Scene 26. SOUND ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN SOUND HEAVY STRIDES, KNOCKING ON A DOOR DONNA [off] Huh? Hello? PAUL Open up. DONNA [dramatic gasp] Paul? SOUND DOOR OPENS, HE PUSHES IN DONNA What? What's wrong with you? PAUL It's highly unprofessional, you know. DONNA Well, I should say so! PAUL To just waltz in here like this-- DONNA Ye-e-es. PAUL And-- What? DONNA Are you apologizing? PAUL What? No. Where is he? I saw him in the lobby-- DONNA [gasp] You came here because-- You thought - [gasp]! PAUL What am I supposed to think? DONNA I solved the case, but you're not going to like the answer. PAUL What makes you think I won't? SOUND WATER RUNS IN THE BATHROOM PAUL [growls] DONNA That's why. Look, I was about to do the big unveil, but-- PAUL [plaintive] Without me? DONNA [softening] You'll understand. Can you keep quiet? PAUL Of course I can. SOUND BLOWDRYER RUNS PAUL [growls] DONNA Hmm? PAUL [sheepish] O-k. SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR DONNA That will be the prince. SOUND FEET, DOOR OPENS Scene 27. DONNA Come in, your royal highness. SOUND HESITANT FOOTSTEPS PAUL No entourage? DONNA Ssh. Thank you for coming alone. PRINCE [upset] I haven't much choice. Alexander is nowhere to be found. PAUL Your pal from the office? PRINCE We've been chums since childhood. I feel rather exposed without him along. DONNA It must have been awkward, then, that he couldn't make it to the ball. PRINCE It was the first he ever missed. Too bad, I think he'll like Cindy. DONNA They probably have a lot in common. PAUL [suspicious] They do...? DONNA You better have a seat, sire. This is likely to get a little awkward. PRINCE But have you found my Cindy? DONNA Yes. PAUL [quiet] Yes? PRINCE Where is she? SOUND DOOR OPENS, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BARBARA Right here. Come on out, honey. SOUND SLOW BARE FOOTSTEPS SOUND CHAIR ALMOST TOPPLES AS PRINCE SPRINGS UP PRINCE Darling! CINDY [vexed] Oh, dear! Why did you bring him here? DONNA Hold on! Sorry I didn't warn you, Cindy. Sit down, your highness. PRINCE But my darling, don't you want--? I thought we-- we clicked. PAUL [musing quietly, gets it] Like they'd known each other for years. [groan, gets it] Oh. DONNA Shh. PRINCE But you're the only woman I've ever loved. CINDY And you're about to despise me. PRINCE That could never happen. CINDY Yes it can. [voice lowers to Alexander, then ruefully] I'm just lucky you're a bit nearsighted, Waldo. PRINCE What? Alexander? BARBARA She prefers Cindy when she's all dolled up. CINDY [Cindy again] I really do. PRINCE But... is it a spell? CINDY No. It's just-- BARBARA Go on, hon. There's no going back now. CINDY I could probably spin you a grand story about being enchanted, or cursed, but none of it is true. Unless you count love as some kind of magic. PRINCE Love? CINDY I never meant it to be more than one night. One chance to dance... with you. But you - you just had to [wistful] go all manly and try and find me! Barbara convinced me it's better to let you know, rather than leave you searching forever. BARBARA Trust me, he'd eventually find some clue to who you are. The higher the hopes, the harder the fall, and all that. CINDY Don't worry, I've already - I mean Alexander has already - applied for a quest permit, and I plan to absent myself from court for a decade or so. PRINCE I say - I'm the prince here. Don't I get any say? CINDY Yes. [deep breath, bracing herself] BARBARA [comforting] I'm right here. DONNA Me too. CINDY Go ahead. PRINCE I-- I suppose I never thought about you that way, Alexander. CINDY [wilting] Of course. PRINCE Until I saw you at the ball. CINDY [startled, perking up a bit] Oh? PRINCE Perhaps there is some magic. To love. CINDY But you don't want me. I mean you want this-- the surface-- when underneath, I'm-- PRINCE My best friend? What's so wrong? I've met far too many beautiful girls I can't stand to be near. You do something to me. CINDY [gasps ecstatically] [their voices fade for a bit] Scene 28. DONNA I wish it could work for them. PAUL Really? It seems an odd match. Really odd. DONNA What's wrong with an odd match? Love's all that matters. Though I do have one concern. Babs? BARBARA [sniffling a bit at the romantic moment] What? Yes? Oh, go on - I'm all verklempt. DONNA I get choked up too. But, what about when they're supposed to--you know-- have kids? BARBARA Oh that's a piece of cake. There's always a baby in a peach pit, or I have this deal with the marsh king. You'd be surprised how often these kinds of things happen. PRINCE [fading back in] But how will it ever work? PAUL [clears throat] May I? DONNA What? Really? PAUL I'm not one to stand in the way of true love. You said Alexander applied for a quest permit - no reason he shouldn't go, disappearing from court, about the same time Prince Charming-- PRINCE Oh, you can call me Waldo. PAUL Thank you, your highness. [back to the point] At the same time that Waldo meets Alexander's distant cousin Cindy, who sneaked into town to surprise him and ran into the prince instead. DONNA Oh, and, if you can, you should do a little bit of almost being seen together, which will take a little quick change action, but we can help with that, right Barbara? BARBARA Quick change is practically my middle name. PAUL Alexander can send a letter now and then, eventually rescue a damsel in distress, and settle down in a kingdom far far away. PRINCE There's only one thing left to do! DONNA Oh? PRINCE I hope you remembered to bring that shoe. It will have to do until we can get rings... BARBARA [choked up] I'll start planning the reception! Scene 29. OLD VOICEOVER MUSIC PAUL So, the prince found his true love. DONNA Love's funny that way. PAUL And all Alexander's-- DONNA --Cindy's-- PAUL --years of devotion paid off. DONNA Waldo better appreciate all he's-- she's done. PAUL There's just not enough pronouns-- DONNA --Particularly since some of your friends are definitely "it"s. PAUL Hah. Hah. DONNA Speaking of those, how was the enchanted beasts reunion? PAUL [down] Fine. Every year there's less of us left - too many with their curses broken, or married with better things to do. DONNA [hopeful] It's in the air. Love, I mean. PAUL [growls, close] Yeah... [backing off] I mean, they make a cute couple... GOLDY [exasperated] Oh, shut up and kiss her already. PAUL & DONNA What? GOLDY You heard me. Think quick - I'm on double overtime just to be in this voiceover. CLOSING
The Close Shave - (B&B Investigations, #3) The latest case involves one of Donna's old classmates - wed to a mysterious stranger, left destitute... now her life is in danger! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Goldy Tailor - Crystal Thomson Captain OftheGuard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Mrs. Edwina Beard - Rhys TM Mr. Beard - Benjamin Lind Mr. Rexmusson - H. Keith Lyons Mulva - Katharine D. Clark Frederick - Cary Ayers Thug - Danar Hoverson Music by Somewhere off Jazz Street Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's 1940s detective agency... with a twist, can't you tell?" *********************************************** The Close Shave Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Paul Bette Donna Bella Goldy Tailor Captain OftheGuard Mrs. Edwina Beard Mr. Beard Mr. Rexmusson, Edwina's father Rumplestiltskin thug Frederick, the butler Mulva, the new wife OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the office of a private eye, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS GOLDY B&B Investigations, how may I --[cuts off in disgust] Sorry. We don't need no cleaning staff. EDWINA [very posh sounding, correcting her] Any cleaning staff. GOLDY [puzzled] Any cleaning staff, what? EDWINA [dismissive mutter] I'm surprised you don't rhyme. [up] I am here to hire a private investigator. I have heard that this firm is very.... discreet. SOUND DOOR OPENS GOLDY Discreet yes. Cheap no. You better have-- DONNA Edwina? Edwina Rexmusson? EDWINA [cussing] Oh, goblins. [up, false gushy] Donna! It's been simply ages! DONNA What are you doing here? And what's with the getup? EDWINA [trying to keep composure] Oh... Donna! Are you ...here to hire an investigator as well? DONNA Um, no. I... am the investigator. EDWINA [snooty] Oh? DONNA [sharp] Dressed like THAT, I wouldn't sneer, sweetheart. [nicer] Besides, whatever's wrong, I'm probably the only investigator in town who could truly understand. Come along. [to Goldy] Do we have any cocoa? EDWINA [breaking into tears] Oh! You remembered! DONNA [stage whisper] And a box of tissues. [to Edwina] My office is right over here. MUSIC VOICEOVER DONNA Edwina was one of those snooty girls I'd gone to school with, back before my family's fortunes fell. [losing track] Funny. Failed to figure on fff-- [thinks, sighs] alliteration. [back] From what I could recall, though I hadn't really paid attention, she'd dropped out of sight about a year back. Her current state, dressed in - well let's face it - rags, haggard and undernourished, was shocking. GOLDY Flabbergasting, even. DONNA Shh! PAUL Do you need me? DONNA Not yet. You're still on that breach of contract, aren't you? PAUL I've just about got it wrapped up. Found three crickets and a snail that will swear to witnessing the ball retrieval. [confident] He'll get what's coming to him. I'll just listen in? If you don't mind? Nothing more boring than a stakeout. DONNA Gotcha. [clears throat] I waited for Edwina to calm down enough to talk. MUSIC FADES OUT EDWINA [blows nose excessively into handkerchief] DONNA Try some cocoa. You'll feel better. Now take your time and tell me what's wrong. EDWINA [sips, sighs] Oh... It's my husband. DONNA Oh? I guess I didn't know you were married. Not that I've been much in society recently. EDWINA Oh! yes. Maybe you are the one person who can understand. My father was absolutely set on my marrying, but I wanted... well... DONNA A career? EDWINA No. DONNA Romance? EDWINA No. DONNA A Pony? What? EDWINA [painful admission] I just wanted... my own way. More than anything else, I didn't want to give in and do what father wanted. DONNA I take it he was not amused? EDWINA [mirthless laugh] He kept parading eligible bachelors around, and I... I kept shooting them down. This one was too fat, that one too thin, that one too hairy-- DONNA There's something cuddly about "hairy". EDWINA Oh, don't even go there!!! Why my husband-- DONNA Sorry! EDWINA So father, exasperated, said I would be married before my birthday, like it or not. And if I wouldn't take any of the suitable men, I would end up [sniffles] wed to the first man to come to the door. [sobs, then wails] Even if he was a pattycake!!! DONNA What's wrong with--? EDWINA [wails] Waaahhhh! DONNA Yowtch. And this was last year? EDWINA [sniffs, then tries to calm] Almost exactly a year ago. How can I forget? The day before my 21st birthday, my father tossed me at this.... "person", ran the paperwork through, and threw me out of the house. Since then... Well, you see how I am. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA For all her suffering, Edwina was holding up pretty well. She had gone from pampered princess to long-suffering housewife in one fell swoop. Had to learn to cook, clean, and even run her husband's little china shop. She'd been tempered in the fire. And she used to be nothing BUT temper. GOLDY There's plenty like that. DONNA I am ignoring you. MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY EDWINA Me? DONNA Sorry. Nothing. So what exactly do you need help with? EDWINA Oh, that! Someone is trying to kill me. DONNA Really? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA Suddenly a simple domestic case had turned very interesting indeed. DONNA Edwina said that on two different occasions, there had been "accidents" that might have killed her, if not for this "strange man". MUSIC FADES SOUND IN CAR PAUL Did she say what he looked like? DONNA She said he looked vaguely familiar, but had a scarf covering the lower half his face. PAUL And these "accidents?" DONNA Nothing she could take to the cops. She felt a hand push her on a street corner, and would have gone right out into traffic. Except... PAUL Except for this stranger? DONNA Yes. He grabbed her and pulled her back. That was the first time. She wrote it off, figuring someone just lost their balance. PAUL But... then? DONNA Yeah. She'd just shut up shop for the night, was heading home, and a piano fell on her. PAUL You're kidding?!? DONNA Nope. It was being lifted to an upstairs apartment, and the ropes just... gave way. PAUL And the guy? DONNA Swooped in on a motorcycle and pushed her out of the way. PAUL At best, he's been following her everywhere. DONNA At worst, he's part of it. PAUL So she wants us to-- DONNA First, find out who might be trying to kill her. Second find this guy. And [sigh] If we find out anything about her husband along the way.... PAUL [grr] I hate matrimony cases. [backpedaling] not that I hate matrimony, though! [a moment, musing/hinting] Cuddly? DONNA What? PAUL [too quick] Nothing. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL I figured I'd start with a trip to the delivery company, see who might have ordered that piano-- DONNA Or who inquired about it. PAUL Yes. Was this accident a spur of the moment crime, or something much more sinister? DONNA I decided to look into who might want Edwina dead, and why. I had a few contacts at the hall of records who liked nothing better than rooting out such juicy tidbits of gossip. PAUL What are you thinking? DONNA There's only a couple of possible motives for murder - money and passion being the best possibilities in this case. DONNA And since Edwina's father cut her off without a simolean to her name, there either had to be money she didn't know about-- PAUL Long lost heirs? That's a stretch. DONNA [a bit annoyed] OR it had to do with her husband, the aptly named Mr. Beard. PAUL First name? DONNA Apparently they're not that familiar. PAUL [flabbergasted!] What? MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY PAUL Seriously? She doesn't know his first name? DONNA He doesn't talk to her much, except to give orders. PAUL Even... um... when...? DONNA [hinting] They sleep in separate rooms. PAUL [stunned] Oh. Who IS this guy? DONNA That's what I plan to find out. Ah! Hall of records. My stop. PAUL Right. Meet for dinner? DONNA Of course. MUSIC VOICEOVER PAUL I watched her walk away, a red-haired slither of pure lusciousness. [grr] At least until the car behind me started to honk. SOUND HONK ENDS VOICEOVER MUSIC SOUND CAR STARTS SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP GOLDY B&B Investigations, how may I direct-- EDWINA [on filter] It happened again! GOLDY What happened? EDWINA Just tell Donna! Get her to come to my place. She has the address. Quickly! Before my husband gets home! GOLDY I'll see what I can do. EDWINA It's a matter of life and death! SOUND PHONE HANGS UP, IS SET DOWN GOLDY Hmm. Now let's see - How do they DO that? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER GOLDY Well, that was easy. [speaking loudly, as if trying to be noticed] I was trying desperately to figure out how to get a message to my boss, Donna Bella. DONNA You don't have to yell! GOLDY [normal tone] The client called. DONNA Edwina. GOLDY We ain't been formally introduced. Besides, I'm trying to be all professional here. DONNA OK, just tell me what you got. GOLDY She needs you over there lickety split. DONNA Did she actually say--? GOLDY I'm paraphrasing. DONNA Fine. Now leave the voiceover to me. [beat] Ok. I caught a cab and raced to Edwina's fifth floor walkup. It was as old and careworn as her dress. I really started to sympathize. MUSIC OUT SOUND KNOCKING ON THE DOOR EDWINA [shriek] Who is it? DONNA It's me! SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEP, DOWN THE HALL DONNA [gasp] Hello? SOUND LOTS OF LOCKS UNLOCKING DONNA [whispered to the door] I'll be right back! EDWINA No! DONNA Shh! SOUND QUIET STEPS MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA I was pretty sure I'd seen movement down around the dimly lit corner. I'm not usually the physical type - I leave all that to Paul-- PAUL [distant] [laughing hysterically] DONNA [grim and determined] --BUT I wanted to at least get a glimpse of whoever it was that was spying on Edwina's door. MUSIC OUT SOUND QUICK STEPS DONNA Hah! SOUND DOOR SHUTS QUICKLY MUSIC IN DONNA I rushed up, but the series of locks - a strangely familiar series of locks - was already being thrown. I waited a moment, then peered through the keyhole, straining for any glimpse of the perpetrator. GOLDY What did you see? DONNA Out! MUSIC OUT DONNA Not you, her! MUSIC IN GOLDY Fine. PAUL What did you see? DONNA Let me talk to Edwina first. MUSIC OUT SOUND TAP ON DOOR, DOOR WRENCHED OPEN EDWINA What happened? DONNA Nothing. Thought I heard something. EDWINA It was probably a mouse. They're in half the apartments here. DONNA Can't they get rid of them? EDWINA [shrug] Not unless they get behind on the rent. MUSIC IN PAUL Let me take this and give you ladies some privacy. DONNA Sounds good. I might be a little late. PAUL No problem. [voiceover] I had had a frustrating day. The moving company was paid in cash, and the apartment they were delivering to had been rented under a false name. GOLDY Back at the office, a pile of official looking papers that Donna had messengered, arrived. If you're bored or anything. PAUL I still have leads to follow up. GOLDY I'm shutting up for the day. You have fun. PAUL [sigh] Some days you wonder why you even need a secretary-- GOLDY [distant] I heard that! PAUL [thinking quick] And then you recall how much time you haveta spend away from the office, and it all becomes clear. [waits a second] Phew! She does come in handy. [narrating] I walked into the bar where the lowest denizens of the city hung out, and lowest among them-- MUSIC OUT PAUL Hey, Rump. RUMPY Not tonight, Bette. I got lady trouble. PAUL Really? You? RUMPY You don't have to sound so.... so... PAUL Sorry. RUMPY Take it from me, don't ever let one of them find out your real name. [drinks deep] So you here for a social call? PAUL You know better. SOUND CLINK OF COINS ON COUNTER PAUL But I can make it worth your while. RUMPY I'll drink that in the next 10 minutes. PAUL Give me something good, and you'll get another half hour's worth. RUMPY What's the question? PAUL Mr. Rexmussen and his daughter Edwina. Anything you know. RUMPY Off the top of my head? And drunk? Nothing. SOUND COINS BEING DRAGGED AWAY PAUL Oh. RUMPY Except-- SOUND COINS STOP MOVING PAUL Go on. RUMPY I do know that just about a year ago, daddy dearest said he was gonna hitch her to the first dude to come to the door, and there was a virtual stampede to get there - but this mug Beard was already at the head of the line. PAUL Like he... knew in advance? RUMPY Could be... or... [trails off suggestively, drinks] SOUND TWO MORE COINS SET DOWN RUMPY More like he kind of appeared out of nowhere. No one knew him before. No one knows when he came to town. Nothing. PAUL Hmm... SOUND COUPLE MORE COINS RUMPY That's all I got. SOUND SHOVES COINS RUMPY Now leave me to my misery. PAUL Nah. Keep it. MUSIC in PAUL So a Beard with no roots. But who could have known that Edwina's dad was going to go ballistic? GOLDY Daddy probably set it all up with the mug. To teach her a lesson. Sounds like she was a holy terror. PAUL I thought you went home. GOLDY They ain't nothing good on the radio. PAUL While I could consult an oracle or two about the mysterious Mr. Beard, the price would be a bit too high for a charity case-- GOLDY What about who might want to kill her? PAUL I had no leads as yet-- GOLDY Oh, yes you do. PAUL I do? GOLDY These papers - I took em home, just in case someone might come looking. PAUL Are you really worried about that? GOLDY Nah. But they ain't nothing good on the radio. Anyway, you wanted to know about money motives, and there's some interesting stuff in here. PAUL This should really be on the phone. Voiceovers aren't made for conversations. GOLDY You two do it all the time! PAUL [abashed] We try not to. GOLDY Fine. [ahem] After going through the stack of papers - a thankless task, by the way - I realized that Edwina happened to have a birthday coming up. PAUL [dismissive] She already mentioned that. GOLDY AND that this would be her 22nd birthday. When she would just happen to come into a huge trust fund. UNLESS she weren't married yet, then she don't get her mitts on the cash til she's 30. PAUL [interested] Really? GOLDY UNLESS again - she was to happen to kick off before she made it to 22. PAUL Hmm... Who-- GOLDY IN WHICH CASE the money would revert to... ta-da! her father. PAUL Rexmussen? But he's rich. GOLDY Interesting, innit? DONNA Whew. I had just spent the longest evening of my life, and-- GOLDY We're already on this line. DONNA What? PAUL But we're pretty much done. DONNA What? GOLDY Besides, I'm already clocked out for the evening. DONNA [growl] what? PAUL Goldy took the time to sort through all the paperwork we hadn't yet got around to... DONNA [back to normal] Oh. Anything? PAUL Tell you at dinner. DONNA About time! MUSIC OUT SOUND RESTAURANT PAUL --which doesn't make any sense, because he's rolling in dough. DONNA Nothing in this case makes sense, and we've only got one more day before Edwina's birthday. PAUL We better stay with her. DONNA I had this little idea... PAUL Yeah? DONNA This mystery man appears every time she looks to be in danger, so... PAUL ["getting it"] Mmm. DONNA Let skip ahead. PAUL Get some rest. DONNA Mwa! PAUL [appreciative growl] MUSIC IN DONNA Morning came, and I was back with Edwina. Her husband hadn't even come home, but had phoned to insist she still open the store as usual. She was frantic. MUSIC OUT SOUND STREET, FOOTSTEPS EDWINA [controlled] Thank you so much for coming with me. I'm simply frantic. DONNA Don't worry about it. We'll get to the bottom of all this. SOUND RUSHING FEET PAUL [roar] EDWINA [scream!] SOUND SCUFFLE BEARD [oof!] DONNA You got him? Calm down, Eddie! EDWINA [gasp] What? Who is it? Oh! That's him! That's the guy! PAUL Let's get inside. Come on. EDWINA [whisper] Who's that? DONNA My partner. He's good people. EDWINA He's hardly "people", wouldn't you say? DONNA Don't knock it, sister! SOUND DOOR SHUTS PAUL Okay, pal, you better start talking. EDWINA Don't hurt him! He's the one who's been saving me! PAUL [tough sounding] No one needs to get hurt - but someone DOES need to talk. BEARD [mutters something] PAUL What's that? BEARD [low whisper] Just you. I'll talk to you. Not the ladies. PAUL You all right with that? We'll catch up. SOUND SNAP FINGERS MUSIC In SUDDENLY DONNA Edwina and I went on to the shop, careful to avoid any potentially life threatening situations. MUSIC OUT SOUND SHOP DOOR, WITH BELL EDWINA He's not going to hurt him, is he? DONNA I don't think it will come to that. EDWINA Good. I-- I think I'm in love. DONNA [stunned] What? With that-- EDWINA Handsome stranger who keeps saving my life? DONNA You've got a point. But what about your husband? EDWINA I hardly ever see him. He doesn't care. DONNA And how do you know this guy is handsome? His face was all covered in that scarf. EDWINA [deep excited breath] Oh! His piercing eyes! So mysterious. T think-- [almost something] I think he's shy. DONNA While it's nice to see some color in your cheeks again, I think we need to shelve this until we solve the death-related part of the mystery. EDWINA [sigh] All right. DONNA Last night, I asked about the suitors you turned down. Did you have a chance to make a list? EDWINA Oh! I forgot. So sorry. DONNA We've got some time now. EDWINA Oh, all right. Um... There was Bob Porthos-- DONNA The entrepreneur? [whistles] EDWINA He was really fat. And Fred Crotchety, are you taking these down? DONNA Mind like a steel trap. Crotchety? EWINA Old. And don't even get me started on King Cole. DONNA The Merry old - ah! "Old"? EDWINA [duh!] Pattycake. DONNA Hmm. Let me guess, there was something wrong with every single one of them. EDWINA Pretty much. And if it wasn't something obvious, like being really short, or having terrible halitosis, I'd just pick on whatever was handy. DONNA Bet you regret that now. EDWINA You said it. I might have spent the last year in the lap of luxury with my old, fat or smelly husband. [thinks] Hmm. I guess I'm actually rather lucky. DONNA Really? EDWINA My husband is standoffish and emotionally unavailable, but at least he's not fat, old or smelly. DONNA [slightly sarcastic] And doesn't talk in rhyme. EDWINA [the horror!] Heaven forbid!! SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN DONNA Paul? THUG Both of you, hands up! EDWINA [scream!] THUG Shut up! EDWINA [cuts out suddenly with a hiccup] DONNA Let me guess - you're the next "accident"? THUG Shut up! DONNA Why should I listen to you? EDWINA [hissed] Because he's got a gun! THUG I see she's the smart one. DONNA What? THUG Though you got the looks, babe. DONNA What? EDWINA Don't anger the thug! DONNA Just watch. WHAT? THUG Now, lets see... [muses] an accident... SOUND HEAVY TIPPING NOISE, CROCKERY GOES EVERYWHERE EDWINA [quick shriek, muffled] THUG [telling himself a story] So someone broke in, and-- [sudden surprised gasp of pain] MUSIC IN PAUL The mystery man had only half satisfied my curiosity when we heard screams from the vicinity of Edwina's pottery shop. THUG [screams like a girl] MUSIC OUT BEARD Something's happening! PAUL [chuckles] They'll be fine. Finish what you were saying. BEARD [melodramatic] I'll tell you whatever you want - AFTER we save her! PAUL [sigh] All right. MUSIC IN PAUL He had it so bad it was almost cute. How could I refuse, being a fellow sufferer of that aeons-old disease called love? MUSIC OUT SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN, CRASH OF PLATE DONNA Hah! PAUL See? BEARD [surprised] Oh. You're all right! EDWINA Yes! DONNA This guy-- SOUND RUSTLE AS SHE KICKS HIM THUG [groan] DONNA Broke in. He won't talk. [sweetly] I told him my partner is the really scary one. PAUL Don't worry about it. I think I know where this is all leading. DONNA Really? PAUL Yes. Shh. EDWINA [melodramatic, to Beard] It can never be. BEARD What? EDWINA I'm... I'm married. No matter that it wasn't my choice. It-- BEARD It's all right. EDWINA No, it's not! You keep saving me, and making me love - uh - like - uh - appreciate you. It's not fair. To you. BEARD You wouldn't consider... running off with me? EDWINA A year ago, I might have said yes. In a heartbeat. But I'm not that same shallow girl any more. I simply can't break a solemn vow. You should go. DONNA [sad] Ohhh! PAUL [reassuring] Shh. EDWINA Just know this. I love you! BEARD I've waited so long to hear you say that. EDWINA [confused] You ...have? PAUL [whispered] Now for the big reveal. SOUND RUSTLE OF FABRIC EDWINA You! DONNA Who? PAUL Guess. DONNA I don't know anyone with a beard that thick. BEARD I'm so sorry I had to do it this way, but-- SOUND THUMP, HISS PAUL Really? A grenade? [grunt of effort] SOUND HISSING FLIES OFF SOUND DISTANT EXPLOSION, SHRIEK OF PAIN & SURPRISE PAUL Now that that's sorted out, I think it's time. DONNA Time? PAUL For the big denouement. And... I think a police presence is in order. DONNA Where's a phone? EDWINA What's going on? BEARD Don't worry, my darling. I'll still always protect you. MUSIC IN PAUL We did a quick gathering of the suspects and arrived at Mr. Rexmussen's sumptuous estates with only half an hour to spare. DONNA Before what? PAUL The birthday. GOLDY I'm the one that caught that! DONNA AND PAUL Shut up! GOLDY Hmph. Keep me posted. PAUL Rexmussen's estate was a sprawling mass of putting green and ornamental garden, all surrounding a palatial sort of ... palace. DONNA Evocative. PAUL I've been studying Old Possum's word a day column in the Times. DONNA [chuckles] GOLDY uh-uh-uh! Conversation! DONNA Fine! SOUND MUSIC OUT SOUND KNOCKING ON DOOR SOUND TEENSY WINDOW OPENS BUTLER Please good folks! This is not right! Banging on the door all night! PAUL [grr] Pattycakes. EDWINA [Imperious] Rouse my father, Frederick. BUTLER The master sleeps, he will not wake. I beg you now, your leave to take. SOUND WINDOW SHUTS DONNA Blast. If only-- SOUND POLICE SIRENS BURP, THEN CUT OUT PAUL [concerned] Ohhh boy. DONNA Captain Oftheguard! So glad you came! Wait - I didn't - did you? PAUL [grrrr] No. OFTHEGUARD Your secretary called, said you're having some kind of ...denouement... at this here address? PAUL [muttered] She'll never let us live this one down. DONNA [wheedling] We need to get inside, Bruce, and talk to Edwina's father! Right now, before there's a murder! OFTHEGUARD We'll see about that. SOUND OFFICIAL POUNDING BEARD No one's going to murder you! EDWINA Oh, [falters] OH! [whispers] You never told me your first name. BEARD Oh... uh... [horrible admission] Van dyke. EDWINA Really? I would have pegged you as a garibaldi, or maybe a franz-josef with a side order of Z-Z. BEARD [surprised] So you know my brothers? SOUND DOOR OPENS OFTHEGUARD Hey! Mother goose. Get your boss out here. This is the police. FREDERICK You needn't speak in such a tone. My job is to see he's left alone. OFTHEGUARD hmph. My job trumps your boss's orders - now let us through your fancy borders. DONNA Oh, Bruce! I never knew you were bilingual! PAUL [growl] Enough! I'll get us in. SOUND MUSIC IN PAUL It wasn't long before we were all sitting in Rexmussen's main sitting room. MUSIC OUT PAUL So there. EDWINA Not to be confused with the informal withdrawing room, or the salon. REXMUSSEN [cold] So nice to have you home again dear. EDWINA [cold] Papa. [kiss kiss] OFTHEGUARD I believe there was a denouement in the offing? Or are we here for pinochle? REXMUSSUN A Denouement? Surely you don't mean--? SOUND LIGHT FEET ENTER MULVA [sexy little number] Rex, Honey? I miss my bunny? EDWINA [horrified] Papa! REXMUSSUN [covering, stiff] Go back to bed, Mulva. We'll talk in the morning. EDWINA Papa!? What is ... that? [disgust] Her? DONNA That's a whole nother denouement! Quick, music! SOUND MUSIC IN, SOUND OF EDWINA AND REXMUSSUN ARGUING UNDER REXMUSSUN I knew you would never be able to accept-- EDWINA A pattycake? Father! How could you! MULVA Love is blind to age or youth. We knew you wouldn't like the truth. REXMUSSUN You don't need to be here, dearest, to take this abuse. EDWINA I'm glad mother's dead! This sort of ...perversion - it would have killed her to know. [now the voiceover] PAUL Could this have been another motive? Or part of the answer we already had? DONNA We knew we had to sort it out quickly, or lose what might be our only chance to resolve this issue. PAUL The money in the trust goes back to dear old dad if she dies in the next 15 minutes, right? DONNA I think-- GOLDY [snide] That's what the papers said. DONNA Fine. Thanx. What else did they say. GOLDY Oh, so now you need me-- PAUL Get on with it! We're in the denouement! GOLDY Dad's loaded. The entire trust wouldn't make pocket change for him. DONNA And his new wife? GOLDY Oh, that took a couple of very tricky phone calls. Seems they went out of state for a nice quiet little ceremony - the day AFTER dear daughter was whisked away to be wed. PAUL So maybe this had nothing to do with the money at all? DONNA What are we left with? EVERYONE GASPS PAUL That sounds like something. Quick! SOUND MUSIC OUT EDWINA The lights! OFTHEGUARD Everyone stay where you are. BEARD I'm here. SOUND RUSTLE, THEN FOOTSTEPS PAUL Was anyone near the lights when they went out? EDWINA We were a bit...um... involved in a family ... discussion. DONNA Where are the -- SOUND GUNSHOT EDWINA [QUICK scream] BEARD Oh no! DONNA Quick! Paul! SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS PAUL [growl] FREDERICK Off, you beast! Get off of me! I'm no prey for such as thee! PAUL Just for that! [unh!] SOUND SMACK SOUND CLICK OF LIGHTS BACK ON OFTHEGUARD Him!? EDWINA A servant? REXMUSSUN Frederick? DONNA [whispered] Paul? But why? Do you think he was paid? PAUL [muttered] Hmm. No. [up] Oftheguard, I'll hand him over. OFTHEGUARD What's the charge? Or at least the motive? EDWINA Yes! What could he possibly get out of killing me? He's not in any position to inherit. DONNA No one is - now. PAUL Except your husband. BEARD I've got plenty of my own, thanks. DONNA Your birthday came and went 8 minutes ago. So this attempt ... [quizzical] must be unrelated? PAUL But something else is. DONNA Is what? PAUL Related. [sharp] Rexmusson! This young lady may be your second wife, but I wager she's not the first pattycake that you've... um... DONNA Played pattycake with? PAUL I was trying for something a bit more pithy, but yes. REXMUSSON [warning] I'm a very wealthy and powerful man! [shrug] And everyone needs a hobby. EDWINA Papa! MULVA But now I am your one and only? You'll never have to be so lonely. REXMUSSON [not quite convincing] Of course, dear. EDWINA This is just disgusting. I don't need to hear any more of this-- PAUL Just a bit more. Frederick? How long have you worked here? EDWINA He's been here his entire life. Since we both [getting it] were children... DONNA Ahhh. And his mother? She worked here, too? EDWINA [revolted] Oh, now I am definitely leaving. BEARD Hold on a bit longer. EDWINA Hold me! DONNA So you think that he did it out of revenge? For her being the pampered one and him getting.... a menial job? PAUL Perhaps he felt that if there were no longer a legitimate heir to the Rexmusson estate, that his father would have to acknowledge him at last. DONNA That's a huge bucket full of wishful thinking, you do realize that? REXMUSSON Even if Edwina was killed, and that would never be my wish, dear, even if we don't see eye to eye on some things-- EDWINA [conciliatory] Oh, I should hope not. REXMUSSON There's still going to be more legit heirs. Right my little pumpkiny-wumpkiny? MULVA You'll have a little sister soon. We've counted down to the end of June. EDWINA [no longer amused] We're leaving. Now. BEARD There's no more danger? OFTHEGUARD Not from this guy, there ain't. BEARD Good. [leaving] Edwina? Darling? FREDERICK Ouch! Ouch! Stop that, you! You hurt my-- OFTHEGUARD [cutting in] Everloving shoe. I know, I know. I've heard it all before. Now - "Come along quiet, you epic fail. You're taking a little trip to jail." MUSIC IN PAUL [snort, then annoyed] Progressive AND bilingual. How do you compete with that? DONNA Hmm? PAUL Nothing. [clears throat] So the case was closed, and for once we could say-- DONNA With a completely straight face-- PAUL uh... [whispered] You want to say it? DONNA [sultry whisper] Let's do it together? PAUL [grrrrow!] Count of three, then. One Two-- PAUL AND DONNA The butler did it. [both laugh] PAUL You would never leave me, um, I mean the agency, I mean, detective work, for a ... a pattycake, wouldja? DONNA Never fear, oh hairy one / the job, and you, are much more fun. PAUL [growl!!] I do love it when she talks foreign!
Cold Read: https://discord.gg/c3jagscRVb Deadeye Kid: http://www.19nocturneboulevard.net/all_show_pages/deadeye%20kid/DeadeyeKidmain.htm THE NAKED TRUTH B&B Investigations returns, and this time Paul and Donna have been hired by the personal assistant to Mr. Emperor (of Emperor Pictures), himself. (For case #1, check out Cry Wolf) Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Willard - Barry Northern (Cast Macabre) Tom - Justin Charles (1st Draft Productions) Dick - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Herbie Taylor - Glen Hallstrom Goldy Taylor - Crystal Thomson Mr. Emperor - Rish Outfield (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Sherry - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard (Gypsy Audio) Shop Steward - Scott Pigg Argus - J. Christopher Dunn Soda Jerk - Mike Campbell Music by Somewhere Off Jazz Street and Incompetech.com Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's private investigator's office, can't you tell?" *********************************************** THE NAKED TRUTH Cast: Olivia Paul Bette Donna Bella Captain Oftheguard Willard Goldy Taylor Herbie Taylor Tom, Dick Mr. Emperor Sherry Shop steward Argus Soda Jerk OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell? MUSIC 1_EMPLOYEE SOUND OFFICE SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS PAUL Right this way, sir. Sorry to have kept you waiting. SOUND STEPS, DOOR WILLARD As one of Mr. Emperor's personal assistants, I am not used to-- PAUL Of course not. Please, step into my office and have a seat. I'll get you some coffee? WILLARD Don't you have staff for that? PAUL This is pretty much a two-person office... WILLARD Well, where's your assistant? PAUL She's-- SOUND OUTER DOOR OPENS, STEPS BREEZE IN DONNA Paul? You're here early. WILLARD Speak of the devil? PAUL Hold on just one moment. SOUND STEPS, DOOR SHUTS PAUL Shh. There's a client. DONNA Oh? Great! PAUL Well, I think he thinks that-- WILLARD [behind wall, raised voice] Mr. Emperor would never put up with tardiness in his employees. DONNA [burning] Employees? PAUL I didn't say anything, he just assumed. DONNA What? PAUL Don't get worked up - you know, this is the biz, sweetheart. DONNA What? PAUL The client is always right. Humor him, and we'll have a plum job - he's a personal assistant to Mr. Emperor. DONNA [big payoff] WHA--? [then, back to normal suddenly] Of Emperor film studios? Ooh! WILLARD [raised, through door] I'm still waiting for my coffee! 2_VO_FEMALE MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL The sad fact of detective work - it's just not a job you expect to find a female in, and people have a hard time accepting that my partner in the firm of B&B Investigations - and in fact one of said B's on the door - DONNA The smarter B. PAUL Don't be snippy. It's really not my fault. DONNA [sigh] I know. PAUL Is Donna Bella, my partner. DONNA It grates that so many men just don't seem to feel like women - particulary pretty women-- PAUL Or beauties. DONNA Me? Oh, silly! They don't feel that we can be more than princesses, secretaries, sorceresses, social climbers, or damsels in distress. Sure, some women make it to prominence for their brains, and then every pair of pants around says "wow, ain't she unusual?" and we gals suffer in silence. PAUL [hinting] On the other hand, it makes for a good cover - flying way under the radar - to be able to watch goings-on and take notes. DONNA [reluctant] True. PAUL Feeling any better? DONNA A bit. I guess. PAUL I probably should... talk to the client? DONNA Go on ahead. I'll muse a moment longer. PAUL [careful] Would you... bring us coffee when you're done? [quickly] I mean, let him think that you're-- DONNA Yeah, yeah. I'll give you the one without. PAUL Without what? DONNA [dark] I have't decided yet. PAUL [goes off, chuckling] DONNA The only thing that makes this job bearable - apart from the whole thrill of the chase, which is fun - is my partner, Paul Bette. Big brute that he is, he never underestimates me. I think he regards me as a little brother in a dress, which ain't a real pretty picture - you should see his little brother. Sometimes, I wish he did see me as a woman - in a dress - and treat me like one. Ah, forget it. MUSIC CUTS OUT 3_CHICORY SOUND DOOR OPENS DONNA [way too perky] Two coffees! WILLARD And about time. PAUL [sigh] I explained to you about the errend I sent her on-- WILLARD Yes, yes of course. But-- PAUL And this office doesn't exactly put me in Mr. Emperor's class for choice of-- WILLARD [accepting] Ah, well. [sips, smacks lips] Interesting flavor. PAUL [worried] What is it? DONNA [daggers] Chicory. WILLARD Hmm. Yes. Amusing. PAUL Can we get down to business? DONNA Do you need me to stay? WILLARD Doesn't she take shorthand or something? PAUL She does, but [overriding her] she does it out at her desk, over the intercom. Less distracting that way. DONNA [huffs as she leaves] SOUND TAPS OF HER FEET, DOOR SHUTS WILLARD [confidential] If you plan to keep that one around for... looks, you simply must find an ugly one to do the work. PAUL Not a bad idea. Though a bit sexist. WILLARD I am in the film business. PAUL Ah. Now what is the nature of your problem? WILLARD You are familiar with the prestigious filmography of Mr. Emperor? PAUL Golden idols, plaques, every movie a winner. Of course. WILLARD [coughs delicately] Almost every movie a winner. PAUL [knowing] Oh, yes. But still an impressive reputation. WILLARD And not one to be trifled with. Unfortunately, my master also suffers from a terrible case of ...hubris. PAUL Shouldn't he see a doctor? WILLARD [dry] Funny. No, it's only-- [sighs, trying to find the right word] PAUL Be blunt, this is all confidential. WILLARD [resigned sigh] It's his ego. It has simply swollen so large he can no longer see past it. PAUL [confused] And you want me to help with that? WILLARD No, no, it's the consequences which disturb me. I just don't know where to start... PAUL The beginning is usually a good bet. WILLARD Six months ago, a consortium of ...people found their way into Mr. Emperor's social sphere... MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER 4_VO_RODOMONTADE DONNA Goodness, what a mouth. He must have it embroidered on his underwear somewhere - "thou shalt not utilize a single clear and plain word when ten or a dozen fancy choices will do the trick." I was hard put not to fall asleep right on the intercom. And what did it all boil down to? He suspected a couple of scam artists of lining his boss up for a sting. But could he just cut to the point and say that? Indubitably in the negative. PAUL The details were interesting but not conclusive. DONNA There were actual details in there? PAUL Yes. This trio had wormed their way into emperor's inner circle, and pitched him on a movie they wanted to make. He thought it sounded like a winner, didn't run it past anyone, and didn't even stop to read the script - just trusted his instinct that they would be "the next big thing." He set them up in a closed soundstage, and handed them a check. Since then, they've been needing more and more money for all those ...things movies have-- DONNA Actors, costumes, sets, props, film-- PAUL Yeah, but there's no proof they've ever spent a dime of it. They've made a big deal of auditioning a bunch of hopefuls-- DONNA Mostly by letting themselves be wined and dined by all the big names. Or worse. PAUL And no one even knows if this movie is actually being made. DONNA And Mr. Emperor doesn't suspect anything? PAUL I dunno. Willard seemed to think his boss might be beginning to suspect something, but he's got so much invested in the damn project, he can't step away. His whole ego and reputation - both more monumental than his wallet - are so tied up in this. He's never had a flop before-- DONNA Well, there was the one. PAUL Right - he mentioned something like that. What's the deal? DONNA A silly little flick called Gone with the Wind - ever see it? PAUL Nope. DONNA Well, neither did anyone else. Who'd ever buy a story of three pigs and a wolf anyway? MUSIC NOT QUITE A "WAH-WAH-WAH" 5_OFTHEGUARD SOUND MUSIC IS INTERRUPTED BY A PHONE RINGING DONNA Should I get that, [snotty] "Mister Bette"? PAUL Would you? DONNA [sullen] Fine. SOUND PHONE SNATCHED UP DONNA [too sultry] B&B Investigations. How may I direct your call, to B or B? OFTHEGUARD [on the phone] Donna? What's got into you? DONNA Oh, Captain Oftheguard! [hah!] I'm just covering the front while we decide on hiring a new secretary. PAUL A new secretary--? DONNA Our last one...um... won a bundle of dough in a radio contest and ran off to Barbados. Who'd'a thunk that being able to name all the dancing princesses-- OFTHEGUARD Cut the malarkey, Donna. Is Bette there? I need to speak to him. DONNA Yes. Of course. OFTHEGUARD [pointed] Alone. DONNA [to Paul] Everyone wants you today. SOUND SLAMS THE RECEIVER ONTO THE TABLE DONNA I'll just go... buy some shoes or some other feminine pursuit. SOUND SHE LEAVES - FEET, RUSTLE PAUL Donna? What--? SOUND DOOR SLAMS SOUND VOICE ON THE PHONE, VERY SMALL AND DISTORTED PAUL Damn. [growl] SOUND SNATCHES UP THE PHONE PAUL [still a growl] What? OFTHEGUARD What brownie crawled in your shoe? MUSIC IN DONNA I left them to their little boy games and decided to do the one thing Paul would never think of. Or approve of. PAUL [distant] Huh? What? DONNA See you in the movies, babe. PAUL [getting closer] Movies? What movies? MUSIC OUT PAUL [echoey] Donna? OFTHEGUARD No, it's Oftheguard. Ain't Donna with you? PAUL She just stormed out of here. OFTHEGUARD That girl has a temper. Anyway, I wanted to discuss her birthday. PAUL Birthday? What? OFTHEGUARD Didn't you know? It's Friday night, and I was wondering what kind of arrangements you mighta made. PAUL Oh. We've been really busy here-- [still wondering] Movies? OFTHEGUARD What? PAUL Nothing. [back on point] Friday. Birthday. Arrangements. Right. MUSIC IN 6_AUDITION DONNA [quiet] I stood outside the studio where the fancy schmancy new movie was supposedly being filmed - a huge building out on the docks with no windows and only one door. MUSIC OUT AMB PIER SOUND DOORBELL BUZZER TOM [on intercom] Sorry! Ain't hiring today. Closed set. DONNA [breathy, sexy] Oh, please! I just came in on a bus from Punkinville, and want so badly to be in moving pictures! TOM Step up to the peephole - there on the left. Saaaaaay. You're a real beaut, ain'tcha? DONNA It has been said. Back home in Peter Piper Iowa, I was the beauty queen! TOM I thought you said you were from Punkinville. DONNA [thinking madly] Oh... I-- [drops voice] Punkinville is the bad side of Peter Piper. TOM Why don't you come on in? [lecherous] I might be able to squeeze in a screen test. SOUND BUZZ, DOOR OPENS DONNA [deep breath] Thank you ever so. [muttered] Just be careful what you're squeezing. SOUND WALKS INTO ECHOEY SPACE 7_EXIT STAGE LEFT MUSIC IN PAUL I had no idea where Donna had got to, after our little dustup that morning. And I was skeptical about Oftheguard's ideas for a party. SOUND CAR SNEAKS IN PAUL Seemed pretty frivolous for a captain of his standing, but he was also an old friend of Donna's. I decided to cut right to the chase and go to the studio. SOUND CAR BRAKES, SOUND OF PIER PAUL Work can usually take my mind off of-- SOUND DOOR BEING SLAMMED OPEN, BODY FALLING OUT TOM Whoooooah! [being tossed out] PAUL I realized Donna had beaten me to the punch. SOUND CAR DOOR OPENS PAUL [gasp, startled] SOUND DONNA GETTING IN DONNA I don't want to talk about it. PAUL What's in there? DONNA I didn't get a chance to see much. PAUL What happened? SOUND SNAP FINGERS MUSIC IN SUDDENLY DONNA I didn't want to talk about it, but he just couldn't seem to take a hint. PAUL Got it. Fine. DONNA Since I hadn't seen more than ten feet into the building - MOST of that being hallway, it wouldn't do ANY good to hash it over anyway. PAUL I've got it. Seriously. DONNA And all because I would not could not on a couch-- PAUL He offered you breakfast? DONNA Just drop it! MUSIC OUT 8_BACK TO OFFICE SOUND MOMENT OF SILENCE, CAR STARTS PAUL We need to find a way in. DONNA [almost steaming again] Oh? PAUL I'm thinking a little piecework. DONNA [more] OH? PAUL All it would take is a little pounding, drilling. In and out. Simple. DONNA [furious] OOOOH? PAUL [noticing her anger] uh, do you have a problem with me doing some construction work? DONNA Oh! PAUL What did you think I meant? DONNA Nothing! MUSIC IN PAUL No, really. DONNA I want to go back to the office. We do have some bleach there, don't we? PAUL [narrating] Back at the office, the phone was ringing. SOUND QUICK STEPS, PICK UP PHONE PAUL Hello? WILLARD Hello? PAUL Yes, can I help you? WILLARD Is there anyone there? PAUL What? DONNA The music! SOUND SNAP FINGERS MUSIC OUT 9_PHONE PAUL Right. WILLARD Ah, I was wondering. I have been phoning for simply ages. Where's your assistant been? DONNA [dark] I've been to the palace to see the queen. PAUL [to her, covering handset] No need for that! [back to the phone] What did you need? DONNA [walking away] And pussycat pussycat, what'd you do there? PAUL [muttered aside] pattycake or not, it's dang sexy when she speaks foreign. DONNA [almost gone, loud] I'm getting ready to kick what he puts in a chair! SOUND DOOR SLAMS PAUL [interested] Oooh! [back to the phone] Sorry about that. Employee relations. WILLARD You're not relating to her on MY time, are you? PAUL [growling] Anything on YOUR time will turn up on an expense account, bub. Now, what were you calling about? WILLARD [grumbling] You still need a secretary for the real work. [up] Mr. Emperor has finally nailed them down on a debut - Friday night at Grimm's Chinese theater - and we have to DO something before then! If this is another bomb, he will be ruined! PAUL We're on it. WILLARD as long as you're not both on it at the same time, I'll be happy. Goodbye! PAUL [GROWLS] Music! MUSIC COMES IN, BUT DOOR OF OFFICE OPENS A1_GOLDY GOLDY Hello? MUSIC CUTS OUT PAUL Uh, what? GOLDY You're looking for a secretary. PAUL I'm - what? GOLDY [long suffering sigh] Look, I don't mind working for chump change, or even schlepping for a brute like you - no offense-- PAUL None taken. GOLDY But I do try to work for folks who get some vocabulary. I learned. Had a job once taking dictation from this big black bird. Couldn't say nothing but-- PAUL Nevermind. I'm just surprised. We haven't actually advertised yet. GOLDY Oh, sorry! I spoke with-- [deliberately trails off] PAUL Donna? GOLDY Is she here? PAUL [yes] She's in her office. GOLDY Then no, not her. This was a... [thinks] ...a client. PAUL Oh, Mr. Emperor's assistant. GOLDY Yeah. Him. He suggested I come by. PAUL Can you type? GOLDY You bet. PAUL Answer phones? GOLDY I got a gold-plated ear. PAUL [serious] Really? GOLDY No. PAUL Cause I knew a girl once, with-- GOLDY Do I get the job? PAUL I have to check with Donna first. [up] Donna? DONNA [from off] Still annoyed! PAUL This might cheer you up! SOUND DOOR OPENS, SHE STRIDES IN DONNA What? GOLDY [admiring] Well, look at you. DONNA Who's looking at me, kid? PAUL She came here for the secretary job. Donna Bella, this is-- uh-- GOLDY Ms. Lox. But you can call me Goldy. MUSIC IN PAUL Goldy's resume looked good-- DONNA --and freshly typed-- PAUL So we left her in charge and went looking for a way into the soundstage. GOLDY Is that the Emperor pictures soundstage you were talking about? PAUL Hey, this is a voiceover, not a party line. GOLDY Hmph. Coulda fooled me. PAUL Lets take a drive. Get some privacy. DONNA [romantic] Really Paul? It's so sudden. MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY A2_PRIVATE CAR SOUND CAR TURNS ON PAUL That's exactly what I'm worried about. DONNA Huh? PAUL The way she showed up. Very sudden. DONNA Oh. Did you lock up the petty cash? PAUL Doll, our cash is so petty it ain't worth it. DONNA [chuckles] So why do you think she popped up just now? With a freshly minted resume? PAUL I'm thinking someone's caught onto that valet's worry, and wants to keep tabs on us. DONNA The potential swindlers? PAUL We'll see. MUSIC IN PAUL [muttered] Follow my lead. [up] Since the front door approach had been nixed, I figured on checking out the loading docks. DONNA Ah! Drop me at the union hall, wouldja? PAUL Donna had a promising line of inquiry. [side of mouth, teasing] Voice over... DONNA I figured if there was anything coming in and going out - apart from money, there'd be someone at the local 509 who kept an eye on it. PAUL Can't do anything in the film industry without teamsters. DONNA [back at him] Voice over.... [whispered] I'll take the voiceover in 15 minutes. When you're done, you mention a llama. PAUL [whispered] Beast or priest? DONNA [whispered] Either way. PAUL Dropping her off, I went on down to the docks, figuring on asking around, finding out who catered the shop. Bye, sweets. DONNA [blows a kiss] See ya! SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS PAUL Smart as a whip. [musing] That's just one of those things you say, but when you really think about it, how smart IS a whip? And who would ever ask to be "whipped"? SOUND DRIVING AGAIN PAUL I found a parking space down at the end of the marina, out of sight, but close enough in case someone decided to take a run-out powder. DONNA Speaking of powder, I decided to stop in at a Rex druggist for a new compact and a bite to eat. MUSIC OUT A3_SODA JERK DONNA Bet you get a lot of movie folks in here. JERK [squeaking] Here? [clears his throat] Here? I mean, not so's you'd notice, why? DONNA Aren't they making a film down on the pier, there? JERK Are they? I haven't heard anything. Who's in it? DONNA I was hoping you'd know. JERK No, but I know who to ask. DONNA Oh? Who? JERK There's this old guy comes in here a lot. Big nose. He seems to know everyone. Baron, Baron--- DONNA Munchausen? Hah! Oops, is that the time? I was supposed to meet the local shop steward. MUSIC IN DONNA There's two ways to deal with teamsters. Hire them and pay them a good wage, or don't hire them and pay them anyway. That was what all the hullabaloo was about the sorcerer's apprentice - making brooms that can tote water is the worst kind of scab labor. Of course, there are exceptions, and I found out this was one of those. MUSIC OUT A4_TEAMSTERS STEWARD Foreign soil. DONNA What? STEWARD That pier. Used to be the embassy for Atlantis. DONNA But Atlantis sank. STEWARD Yeah, but that pier is still foreign soil. Any work done there is subject to the local laws. Of Atlantis. DONNA But what about things going in and out? Surely you must be handling deliveries? STEWARD We would have to. But there ain't none. None at all, and we've been keeping our sharpest eye on them. [up] Argus? ARGUS Yeah, boss? DONNA Wow. I'd hate to be your optometrist. ARGUS Guess I'm lucky I got 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20-- DONNA I got it. ARGUS --vision, eh? DONNA Yeah. So, you haven't seen ANYone coming or going? ARGUS Didn't say that - a couple guys are in and out. Just not goods or anything that we'd have to handle. DONNA But the film crew-- ARGUS What film crew? It's just these three guys. No one else. STEWARD So the crew must be living in there, too. Which would be a housing board violation, except... DONNA Foreign soil. Right. Thanks for the help, guys. Oops - I'm running a bit late. Come on! SOUND SNAP FINGERS MUSIC IN DONNA I wonder when my new music will arrive. [sigh, up] It was a mystery all right. Somehow they had a set with no setup, a cast with no costumes, and a crew with no shore leave. Far as anyone might know, it could be a big empty building - empty except for the oodles of gold Emperor was pouring into it. And if there was truly nothing - how to save the studio, avoid embarrassment, and catch the crooks, all at once. It was about time to grab those three guys and set them adrift in a leaky tub. PAUL Lama. DONNA Just like that? PAUL Yup. Can you get back to the office on your own? DONNA Ain't a hackie I can't handle. PAUL Meet you there. I'll take this for a while. DONNA Oh, right-- PAUL AND DONNA [unison, teasing] Voice-over. [both laugh] PAUL I had found something - something very interesting - out back of the warehouse, and was bringing it back to the office to examine it more closely. Too bad it was a little hard to fit into the car. That was reason enough to get Donna to find her own way home. DONNA Like a little lamb, dragging my tail behind me? PAUL Only you could make pattycake sound sexy. DONNA You should see what I can do with [very sexy] Pease porridge HOT. PAUL [interested growl] Save it! Rowr! DONNA Can we get to the office, already? PAUL Sounds good. MUSIC OUT A5_HERBIE SOUND DOOR OPENS, SHE WALKS IN GOLDY Welcome to B&B Investigations. Can I-- Oh! [shrug] Ehh. Good practice, I suppose. DONNA [stunned] What... happened? GOLDY Whaddaya mean? DONNA It's so... clean. You didn't have a horde of magic forest animals in here, did you? SOUND DOOR OPENS GOLDY [hurried] Uh, no. I just didn't have a lot to do. [uneasy] I ain't real fond of forests. Or animals. PAUL Ahem. GOLDY Present company excluded. PAUL Good. SOUND HE WALKS IN, STRUGGLING MAN WITH HIM HERBIE Mrph. Urk. [struggling noises, bag on head] GOLDY But I draw the line at kidnapping! What did you do to that poor mug? PAUL I put a bag on his head. HERBIE [muffled] Goldy? GOLDY [cussing] Oh, Porridge! DONNA Oh, no, you're not going anywhere, sweetheart. SOUND DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS GOLDY You lemme go, or I swear I'll break a chair - on your pretty little auburn head! SOUND BAG OFF OF HEAD HERBIE Goldy! What's all this about, my little housebreaker? DONNA Whoever you are, you're not alone, and you're embarrassing Ms. Lox. GOLDY Thank you. HERBIE Ms. Lox? Yeah, twenty years ago, maybe. Since then, she's been my wife, Goldy Tailor! DONNA I thought I recognized you. Aren't you that guy who--? GOLDY Oh, don't bring it up. Please! HERBIE What's wrong with a man taking credit for his past achievements? So I took out 7 in one blow. GOLDY Yeah, twenty years ago, maybe. And they were flies. This is his big achievement. HERBIE Honey. Sweetie. Who're these folks anyway? PAUL We're the private investigators who've been hired to find out what's really going on with that "movie" you're filming HERBIE [suddenly serious] Oh. That. MUSIC IN DONNA For all their bickering, I was jealous. They'd been married for twenty years, and I could see what she really felt by the way she looked at him. PAUL That and the fact that he clearly didn't put her up to sneaking in and spying on the spies. GOLDY You know I can hear you? DONNA We are definitely going to have to do something about that. MUSIC OUT HERBIE It started out as a little con job. Or that's what they told me. I came in late in the game. GOLDY Yeah, you're innocent as a baby fresh from a cabbage patch. And about as smart. A pair of grifters like that-- HERBIE They got me in because I know the garment trade, and they needed someone to handle the costumes. DONNA But there... aren't any costumes? HERBIE Yeah, that's the funny part. They mostly needed someone who could write a convincing invoice for the things they weren't buying. GOLDY I hope you got some decent pay for this. PAUL You're really better off not discussing THAT in front of witnesses. HERBIE At first, I thought it was just a joke, and then, suddenly... before I even knew it, I was in it right up to my cummerbund. GOLDY And none of this is admissible in court! I clerked for enough lawyers in my day. I know all about hearsay. PAUL Tell us everything you know, Mr. Lox-- HERBIE Tailor. Herbie Tailor. You can call me Herbie. PAUL Herbie, and we'll do our best to keep your name out of it. HERBIE Like I said, it's all a scam. More shell companies than a town full of mermaids. Constant demands for money - and all to make this movie they say will be over the heads of everyone in the audience. PAUL But why? HERBIE I guess this producer wants to rise above the crowd-pleasing musicals and talking animal flicks he usually churns out-- GOLDY Apart from that one-- HERBIE Oh, yeah, that. Anyway, he wants to do something all intellectual and deep - like a foreign film. Make a new name for himself. PAUL Just hoping that name won't be ... um... [prompting] something bad. HERBIE Aschenputtel? DONNA Maleficent? PAUL Shh! That one's copyrighted. DONNA Oh. GOLDY Just say his name would be mud and move on. HERBIE Look, if I'm gone for much longer, they're gonna get suspicious. PAUL Can you try and find out one thing? If we agree to help keep you out of the hands of the guard? HERBIE I dunno. I don't want to-- GOLDY [warning] Herbie!? HERBIE Yeah, all right. Whatever you want. PAUL I want to know what they're planning to do. There has to be something in it for them, or they'd'a cut and run long back. HERBIE Yeah. I guess. DONNA True - with the premiere coming up, they must have one last big payoff in mind. PAUL Why don't you two get outta here? GOLDY Me, too? PAUL Sorry, but until this is finished, you're just gonna be in the way. DONNA And stay out of our voiceovers! MUSIC IN DONNA It was a pity, really. Goldy had done a bang up job of cleaning the office. PAUL Is that what happened? DONNA Yup. But until the case was cleared, there was no way we could let her stick around. Maybe after the gala on Friday-- MUSIC OUT A6_FRIDAY PAUL Friday! Holy cow! DONNA Whazzat? PAUL Nothing. I need to give Willard a call. See if there's any new payments going down the line. DONNA Why don't you let me handle that? Isn't that what assistants are for? PAUL We don't get paid if you hurt him. DONNA Over the phone? I'll be very nice. PAUL You go on ahead, then. I have a few other loose ends to tie up. DONNA Like? PAUL Nothing I can't handle. You go on. DONNA [suspicious] Riiiight. I'm out. MUSIC IN PAUL [long sigh] I was going to have to call Oftheguard and let him know we were otherwise engaged this Friday. I hoped he hadn't done much in the way of planning. But I knew Donna wouldn't want to let anything get in the way of finishing a case. I was even thinking he might be handy to have around when-- SOUND PHONE RINGS PAUL [checking if she's around] Donna? Oh well. Music? MUSIC OUT A7_WHISPERS SOUND PHONE PICKED UP PAUL Hello? HERBIE [whispered] I got it. PAUL Got what? HERBIE What they're up to. They plan to claim the film's been stolen, and cash in on the insurance. Maybe even ask a ransom. PAUL So - last minute, no film, and they're in the clear? HERBIE Gotta go. SOUND PHONE HANGS UP DONNA Guess it's time to report to the client. PAUL [surprised] Yah! Didn't you leave? DONNA Couldn't think of anything interesting to do. SOUND PHONE DIALING MUSIC IN DONNA Sometimes, the P.I. biz is just a lot of waiting, false starts, and standing around in the rain. MUSIC OUT A8_REPORT PAUL Or giving bad news. WILLARD [on phone] What bad news? MUSIC IN PAUL I gave him the run-down, and he took it pretty well. MUSIC OUT WILLARD [screaming] NooO! You simply MUST do something! DONNA [off] I could get him some more chicory! PAUL We were hired to get info, not to-- WILLARD Then I'm hiring you again! Money is no object, as long as you save Mr. Emperor's reputation! PAUL I guess we need to find someone who can make you a movie. SOUND PHONE HANGS UP DONNA In two days? [idea] I'll handle that. Why don't you figure out what to do with the crooks when we get them? PAUL But-- DONNA Then we can skip ahead to the denouement! PAUL But-- DONNA This should be fun! A9_EMPEROR SOUND DOOR SHUTS PAUL [weakly, disbelieving] In two days? [sigh] Well, they can't expect miracles... MUSIC IN PAUL Oh, all right. The night of the big show arrived. The theater was full of all those glittering people who appear out of nowhere every time a red carpet unrolls. Crowned heads and nouveau riche, stars and those who just had stars in their eyes. I was with Mr. Emperor only moments before the curtain was to go up. EMPEROR [emperor only speaks in bellows] [on phone] What are you talking about? The canisters were just delivered! TOM [On phone] They what? EMPEROR They're being set up this minute - you could have given them some more time, you know. TOM But, the ransom call just came in! EMPEROR Must be a hoax. Come on down and enjoy the show. TOM I don't-- PAUL They really should be here to take their share of the credit. EMPEROR The car should be there about now. SOUND RECEIVER SLAMMED DOWN EMPEROR You can go now. The projector staff have the cans well in hand. PAUL I'm supposed to stay and keep an eye on them after the debut also. WILLARD I'll find him a seat somewhere. EMPEROR Fine, fine. See you after the show. SOUND DOOR SLAM PAUL Is he angry? WILLARD No, why? PAUL Nothing. WILLARD What if the film is bad? What do we do? PAUL Plan b is set the projector room on fire after the first reel. WILLARD Really? PAUL No! But what you need to do is go out there and give the film a big buildup. Make a point that it's very highbrow and intellectual and that only the most perceptive people will understand and appreciate it. You know the kind of thing - butter up the audience with one hand, threaten them with the other. WILLARD I work for producers, of course I know. PAUL Go for it. B1_FINALE MUSIC IN DONNA The movie had a bit of a rough start, but once the people got used to the pace, they seemed to get into it. Since there were no kids in the audience to get restless and start saying obnoxious things, it seemed to go over pretty well. PAUL I made a point of being in the hallway outside emperor's box, and when the culprits tried to slink away at the last minute... MUSIC OUT PAUL Where do you think you're going? TOM uh... concessions. Need more popcorn. DICK Me too. PAUL Movie's nearly over. Don't you want to take your bows? DICK But it ain't our-- TOM Stifle! He meant it ain't our style to be in the public eye, you see. C'mon-- DONNA Not so fast. DICK A big guy and a pair of dames? Don't make me laugh. PAUL I wouldn't-- TOM Oh, jeez! It's her! [muttered to dick] We'd have a better chance with the brute. DICK Really? TOM [up] What do youse guys want? DONNA We want to avoid any unpleasantness for Mr. Emperor, so your job is to go out there and take your bows, and introduce your writer-director, Sherry here. SHERRY Hi! DONNA She's real good with a story, and saved everyone's butts. SHERRY You wanted avant garde - and I was dying to try something new. PAUL I still can't believe you finished it in two days. SHERRY I had a good subject to work with. TOM But what're we supposed to do after tonight? DONNA I suggest take some filmmaking lessons - if this is a success, you're going to have half the studios around looking to hire you, and most are a bit more picky than Mr. Emperor. PAUL Don't worry - you can always go into seclusion, after completion of your masterwork. SHERRY Just as long as I get my credit - and since I mastered the final titles, I DO [laughs]. I'll get any work I want after this. Picture it - "A Scherezade production" in big lights! I'll keep 'em coming back, night after night. MUSIC IN B2_BIRTHDAY DONNA And it went over with a bang - primed as they were, no one was willing to admit that the film "wooden you" - a more or less still shot of one guy's face as he answers a series of more and more odd and uncomfortable questions - was strange or incomprehensible, or even dull. PAUL There was even a certain hush in the theater from time to time - waiting to see if his response would be a lie. DONNA How she talked Pinocchio into it, we'll never know. On the other hand, if there's one thing Sherry's good at, it's getting folks to listen to her. PAUL Sorry to miss your birthday by the way. DONNA Eek! PAUL I said I was sorry! DONNA [warning] Voice over! PAUL We were just getting back to the office, when-- MUSIC OUT DONNA ixnay on the irthday-bay. PAUL I- what? DONNA I was hoping everyone forgot. PAUL Oh. Sorry, then, for that. SOUND KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, A COUPLE OF STEPS CROWD Surprise! PAUL I didn't - what the - not my fault! DONNA What? OFTHEGUARD Didn't mean to startle you - your secretary let us in. DONNA What? GOLDY Sorry boss. Bosses. Who can say no to such a face? PAUL AND DONNA Bosses? GOLDY Try getting rid of me. Besides, I make a mean cuppa joe! CLOSING
CRY WOLF (B&B Investigations, Case 1) In a world part 1940s film noir and part Grimms, B&B Investigations are hired to clear the name of one "Mr. Wolf", who was allegedly killed after devouring a grandmother... Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Wolf - Rhys TM Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Red - Julia Carson Little Boy Blue - Beverly Poole Portia - Chandra Wade Prince - Mr. Synyster Additional Voices - Cole Hornaday Music: Buz Hendricks, Somewhere Off Jazz Street (via Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Main Theme: Kevin McLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover design: Front: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?" ************************************************ CRY WOLF Cast: Olivia (opening credits) Donna Bella - slumming society dame Paul Bett - roughneck P.I. Mrs. Wolf - distraught widow Red - hot tamale and damsel in dis dress Captain Oftheguard - police investigator Boy Blue - patticake ragamuffin Winky, Blinky, Noddy - sewing Crones Rumpy Stiltskin - snitch Portia - Lawyer from across the pond Prince Officer Sees-Real-Far ANNOUNCER 19 Nocturne Boulevard. CABBIE Nocturne Boulevard? Not far. When you hit Howard, hang a right. Howard meets Phillip at a weird kind of angle, then you cross James and Poe. You can't miss Nocturne - it's just past the automat. ANNOUNCER 19 Nocturne Boulevard, your address for suspenseful stories of the speculative, strange, and supernatural. Tonight's story is called Wolf's Clothing SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS. OLIVIA [sultry voice] Yes. This is 19 Nocturne Boulevard, won't you step inside? SOUND FOOTSTEPS OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell? MUSIC SULTRY NOIR SAX MRS. WOLF I know he was a beast-- PAUL Hey! MRS. WOLF But he was mine. And now he's dead. DONNA Seems like a cut and dried case, Mrs. Wolf. What exactly do you want us to do? MRS. WOLF They're saying my dear sweet husband Loopy killed this old lady and was taken down by a "good Samaritan" before he could escape. But he would never do anything like that! VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS DONNA [voiceover] We'd seen it all before. But that's what you get in P-I work - more of denial than Egypt in flood season, and more grief than happily ever afters. Lives are like mirrors - once they're shattered, they can never be quite put back together. PAUL [voiceover] Mrs. Wolf was a typical criminal's window. Never willing to admit that the dead beloved might have actually been a predator-- DONNA [voiceover] Hey! This is my voiceover. PAUL [voiceover] You said we were going to start splitting them. And you kept top billing. DONNA [voiceover] That's my Paul. Paul Bette. Despite his excruciatingly gruff and intimidating exterior, he always has to be the logical one. PAUL [voiceover] And that's my Donna. Donna Bella. She's a lot more than just a pretty face. VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS TO FADE OUT DONNA [voiceover] I am right here. PAUL [voiceover] Hmph. Maybe you'll learn something. Is it my turn now? DONNA [voiceover] Nah, let's cut back to the scene. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS MRS. WOLF It's like you're not even listening to me! DONNA Sorry. So your husband was killed in the commission of a crime-- PAUL Alleged crime. Alleged commission. MRS. WOLF Loopy would never do that! He's always been a good husband and father-- DONNA Forgive me for asking, Mrs. Wolf, but has he been known to, well, hunt in other pastures? PAUL That was surprisingly tactful. DONNA Thank you. MRS. WOLF You're asking if he ever ran around on me? DONNA You know, a little howl at the moon? A little lamb on the side? MRS. WOLF Well Loopy was no saint-- PAUL It will help us help you. MRS. WOLF [Sobs, then grudgingly] Yes. I always knew he was a bit of a dog, but I loved him. And there were always the cubs to consider. DONNA Let's get down to the teeth of the matter. What exactly do you want us to do? Your husband's killer is no secret - in fact he's all over the papers as a big hero. "Simple woodcutter saves young girl from fate of devoured gramma." Story on page 7. MRS. WOLF It's the insurance. They're refusing to pay out since he died while committing a crime. I wouldn't ask if it was just for me, but our pack - well, we'll hardly be able to hold our muzzles up in public. VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS PAUSE DONNA [voiceover] ... OK, you go. PAUL [voiceover] Thank you. The case was the biggest thing to hit the hot sheets since the disappearance of debutante White last year. Nothing sparks the interest like someone getting devoured. DONNA [voiceover] ...And a little heavily implied sex. The facts were pretty cut and dried. Red reached gramma's cottage at 10 p.m., only to find the door unlocked and most of the light bulbs unscrewed. A voice from the bedroom called out for her to come in. VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS OUT PAUL We should check and see if Mr. Wolf was known for voice impersonations. DONNA Noted. So-- PAUL [cutting her off] So Red went in to deliver gramma's goodies-- DONNA [upping the ante] --and didn't realize at first that the person tucked up in bed was not her dear sweet gran-- PAUL [stealing the punchline, almost breathless] --but a bloodthirsty wolf, dressed in the clothes of the little old lady he had devoured just moments earlier. DONNA [sigh] Why didn't she notice? We need to check on Red's eyesight. Seems fishy to me. Could she have been expecting something? PAUL I've heard some interesting things about Red. Maybe I should tackle her alone. DONNA Me too - [catty] I've heard that if her riding hood was a car, it would come with a rumble seat and a convertible roof. PAUL [wolfish] They do say she likes to run around with the top down. DONNA [sweetly] Well, you go on ahead. I'll stop in on the Captain and see if I can wiggle loose a copy of the official report. PAUL Nothing doing! I know just what kind of wiggling you-- [cut off by music] VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA [voiceover, very satisfied] So we paid a little call on Red. Together. PAUL [voiceover] Hey! Let me finish. DONNA [voiceover] Tell me on the way. SOUND CAR DOORS. CAR DRIVES OFF CAR ENGINE UNDER PAUL Bella? DONNA [romantic-ish] Yes, Paul? PAUL [musing] What would you do if you walked into, say, my bedroom... DONNA Oh, Paul? PAUL [not noticing] And crept up to the burly figure tucked up in bed.... DONNA [giggles] Um-hum? PAUL [still oblivious] and when you got close enough to get a good look, you see-- DONNA [sultry] What would I see, Paul? PAUL --A wolf in a nightcap? DONNA What? I mean, you're a bit shaggy around the edges, but-- PAUL Huh? I was thinking of Red. What were ... you...? DONNA [snappish] Teasing. You're right. Even if she had to get close before noticing, there's too much chance she'll spot the switch. That's quite a risk he took. PAUL Why are you so flushed? Are you OK? DONNA Huh? [covering badly] Thrill of the chase. Are we there yet? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA [whispering] I think he's - yep - he's gone. Well, as you might have noticed, my big lug of a partner doesn't seem to know I'm alive - except as a sidekick and a sleuth. I've heard of girls who want to be loved for their minds, but everything from my neck down was getting lonely. So I --- Oops, here he-- [clears throat] When we got to Red's address-- PAUL Did I miss anything? DONNA Nope! --the windows of the bungalow were dark and a FOR SALE sign sat in the yard. PAUL What's ... wrong? DONNA [snap] Nothing. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS SOUND OUTDOOR NOISES PAUL No, really. DONNA Well, there is one thing... [beat] Why would she sell her house right after her brush with death? PAUL Bad memories? DONNA But that would be Gramma's house, wouldn't it? PAUL So where's Red? CAPTAIN [off, coming on] She's staying at the Perrault Hilton - makes it easier to avoid the press. DONNA [all sweetness, not fake] Captain Oftheguard, what are you doing here? PAUL [growls] CAPTAIN I could ask you the same thing. What's the deal? This is hardly the most interesting case in town, seeing as we've already got everything handled - one dead killer, one live hero-- PAUL And one red hot media bombshell. Getting any good press lately? DONNA Ssh! We've been asked to look into a couple things. You know how insurance companies are. CAPTAIN [warning] Look, this case is wrapped up tighter than a ballgown in a walnut, and the last thing I need is you two poking your noses into it and messing it up. I don't want to see you anywhere near this case, you hear? I've got a glass mountain just waiting for the first one to get in my way. PAUL Oh yeah? DONNA Shh. Bruce-- CAPTAIN [softening, but stern] Don't Bruce me, Donna. Why a nice girl like you wants to be a private eye is beyond me. Call me when you want to go legit. PAUL [growls] CAPTAIN Take it up with the king, pal. SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY DONNA Why can't you be civil? PAUL I don't like him. He treats you like you should be locked in a tower. DONNA Tsch. He just-- BOY BLUE Pardon me, good miss, good sir, have you seen a mangy cur? PAUL Pfui. Get away. DONNA No need to-- PAUL I hate patticakes. DONNA If not for them, who'd do all the scut work? Cartoon mice? Paul, why don't you run along and see if you can talk to Red? I'll catch a cab late - it's Bee night anyway. PAUL But--? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA I have to explain the patticakes, dear. You'll have plenty of time to get across town. PAUL [muttering, going off] They come in here, take all the jobs... DONNA You may have noticed a certain theme to our world. Well, the patticakes hail from a completely different land. PAUL [off, yelling] They don't even speak good English! DONNA [sigh] They're stuck in the past, and limited in their abilities, but they do just fine at menial labor, so they get hired under the table by people too cheap or too broke to find someone local. Luckily, when I was a kid, my nanny was an old woman who lived in a shoe, so I knew the lingo. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS PAUL [yelling, off] And they do stupid things like jump over candle-sticks-- DONNA [yelling back] It's over! PAUL [off, not yelling] Oh. DONNA [sigh] Right. Hmm... [thinking noises] question - no that's a hard one, little boy blue... wait, no... I've got it! [to boy] I've seen no dog, my boy in blue, but I have something to ask you. BOY BLUE Lovely Lady, kind and fair I'll answer anything I dare! DONNA Just a moment. [thinking again, then] I need to know about Miss Red Or about the wolf that's dead BOY BLUE The wolf is dead? Oh lackaday! He had me watch his car for pay. DONNA You mean the wolf came here? What-- oh! [thinking hard, trying to rhyme] BOY BLUE I see the sinking of the sun My mother worries - I must run! SOUND FOOTSTEPS RUN OFF DONNA Damn! But why would Mr. Wolf have come here? If Red knew him-- VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS HER OFF DONNA What? PAUL I need to muse. Take a break. DONNA Are you spying on me? PAUL [genuinely shocked] No! I wouldn't-- DONNA Good. PAUL [clears throat] I figured this was as good a time as any to tap my underworld contacts, see if there was any connection between red and the wolf-- DONNA Don't you dare! That's my clue! PAUL Now who's spying? DONNA I'll go away, but only if you don't follow my clue. PAUL [growl] Oh, Done. DONNA Fine. PAUL [loudly] Then I decided to tap my underworld contacts to see if the woodcutter had any prior grudge against the wolf-- DONNA [off] That's better! PAUL And I figured after that, I could swing by ...Captain ...Oftheguard's... office-- [quietly] Donna? [waits] Whew. [chuckles, then fondly] She's a real salamander when she gets started. Look, don't tell her this, [listens again for a second] but, I feel like such a - well, a beast - when I see her and Oftheguard together. He's an old friend of the family - when her father the big time importer had a few bad business breaks, he helped them keep the wolf from the door, and I always figured it was to get close to her, since her sisters are no prize. That's how Donna ended up coming to work for me. Times were tough. [putting a brave face on it] Now that her father's back in the shipping fast lane, I figure it's just a matter of time before she gets bored with keeping company with a roughneck like me and goes back to her high society friends. PAUL [breaking a little] I don't know how I'll get by without her, but there's no way a gorgeous dame like her could ever be interested in a big hairy brute like yours truly. And what could I say? Every time I try and come up with something romantic, all I think of is "will you marry me?" which is bound to be slapped down. So I make light and pretend I don't see her lovely eyes and shiny red hair... [sigh that's almost a growl] DONNA I'm back - miss me? PAUL I, no, I-- [going off] have to meet a guy. DONNA I'll never understand him. [beat] What? Oh, fine - [sigh] I got to the bee. [beat] Why isn't the music ending? I've arrived. [beat] Tsk. [exasperated sigh] Grand balls may be the obvious social events of high society, but the sewing bees are the true heart of the old dame's network. We get together to spin and weave and sew ... and dish. [calling off] Good enough? VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY DONNA [sarcastic] Thanks. SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR WINKY [muffled] Come in! SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS DONNA Hey, ladies! Winky, nice glasses. Blinky, how's the gout? Nod - What happened to your hunch? NODDY [sounding like Marty Feldman] What hunch? DONNA Huh? Nevermind. I brought Pies! THE LADIES [noises of happy excitement] WINKY Is this that Pieman friend of yours? DONNA Might be. [chuckles] Never hurts to have pals in low places. Hey, Tilda's not here? Did she finally finish those shirts for her seven brothers? BLINKY All but one sleeve, can you believe it? No one ever understand how long these things take. DONNA I'd'a thought she be here chatting up a storm, just about now. NODDY She's on her honeymoon, the wench! PAUL [off, calling] Enough of this Lifetime moment. Can I have the narrative for a while? There's actually something happening over here. DONNA [loud whisper] Oh, all right, but - where's the-- VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS HASTILY DONNA and PAUL Thank you! PAUL May I? DONNA [fondly] Brute. [long sexy sigh, then fading away] Very well. PAUL [lustful growl, then shakes himself out of it] That woman. Where was I? Right. My best contact, Rumpy - that little weasel - was just coming out of his basement for the night as I rolled up. VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES SOUND STREET NOISES, FOOTSTEPS PAUL Hey Rump. Any straw to gold today? RUMPY [surprised] Oh! Oh, it's you, Bett. Whadja want? PAUL Come on old pal! Can't a guy just look you up for old times sake? RUMPY You know, and I know, we got no old times, me old son. Show me the money. Unless you have, uh, something a bit more round and pink handy? PAUL No babes today, Rump. You're old enough, you wouldn't know what to do with one if you did get one. Right, then. I want the skinny on the Wolf massacre. RUMPY Wolf? I don't seem to recall-- SOUND CLINK OF HEAVY COINS PAUL This refresh your memory? RUMPY Oh, you mean the Red Riding Hood rescue. PAUL I want to know more about the wolf, and I heard you two sometimes ended up at the same watering holes. What kind of guy was he? RUMPY [losing the sly undertones] Truly, I never would have pegged him as a grammavore. Never saw him touch anything harder than lamb kebobs, if you get my drift. PAUL No steak tartare? No little pigs? RUMPY Truly, Bett, on my mother's grave. He was a bit secretive the last few days, though, leering and preening and hinting he had a new lady friend. Said something about her being real hot stuff. PAUL Red hot? RUMPY [cagey again] Yes... he might have said something like that. But he did say one thing solid, that I almost recall... SOUND CLINK OF MORE COINS RUMPY Ah, yes, it all comes back to me. He mentioned how she was, um, a bit experimental, in the... boudoir, so to speak. PAUL Kinky? RUMPY To put a bald face on it, yes. He said she liked him to 'dress up'. VOICEOVER MUSIC DONNA [after a pause] What, no snappy wrap up? PAUL Frankly, I'm a little creeped out. DONNA Oh, all right, let's meet up outside the office. PAUL Yeah, good. VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES AMBIANCE STREET NOISES SOUND HORSE GOES BY QUICKLY, THEN SUDDENLY HOOFBEATS STOP DONNA [yelling off] Hey! Just because that thing can fly doesn't mean there isn't a scoop law! PAUL [very tired] Morning. DONNA What happened to you? Phew - you smell like an elvish cobbler shop. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK, THEY AMBLE OFF TO WORK PAUL I was tapping rumpy. [flustered] I mean , I was getting the low-down from my contacts. DONNA Stiltskin's about as low down as they get... PAUL You get anything at the Bee? DONNA Not much. Neither one sees to have run in our circles. Seems Gramma didn't get out much, and Red moves in - well, much FASTER circles... PAUL I see. DONNA One thing, though. Rapunzel showed up for a bit - she's legal counsel for the highway board, you know? - and said that SHE'd heard of Gramma‑‑ PRINCE Halt there! PAUL What? It's too early for-- PRINCE Unhand that fair maiden! PAUL Who, her? DONNA What? PRINCE Don't worry - I am here to save you! Take heart, dear lady! PAUL Um, fellow-- DONNA [ramping up] What? PRINCE This foul beast cannot harm you ever again! Rescue is at hand! PAUL Look out, he's gotta sword! PRINCE Have at! Hah! DONNA WHAT! MUSIC STING CAPTAIN I am disappointed in you. That poor, poor prince-- PAUL [muttered] He started it. CAPTAIN Brawling on the street like a couple of - drunken... um... drunkards. DONNA He must be annoyed, he's dropping his similes. CAPTAIN Shut up! You'll be lucky if he doesn't press charges! I'm still trying to decide if I should toss you in a dungeon. DONNA Huh? I didn't even break his nose until he brought up Stockholm Syndrome. PAUL She was very understated. DONNA Thank you. CAPTAIN I don't CARE! I won't have it in my town! PAUL Look, if it will get him to forgo filing a complaint, tell him he can tell everyone it was me that done him over. Much less embarrassing to the folks back home. CAPTAIN [sigh, resigned] Fine. Get outta here. I know where to find you. SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, FOOTSTEPS, THEN STEPS PAUSE PAUL One thing, Captain - was there an autopsy on Mr. Wolf? CAPTAIN Autopsy? Why would we do that? It was obvious how he died! PAUL I was more interested in his stomach contents... CAPTAIN Besides, after the woodcutter got through with him, there wasn't much cutting left to -- stomach contents? PAUL Just curious. We'll get out of your way. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS DONNA Think he'll go for it? PAUL fifty-fifty. DONNA Is that a bet? VOICEOVER MUSIC PAUL We decided to speak with the only killer we were sure of - even if he was the hero of the day. The woodcutter had been mighty quiet.... END VOICEOVER DONNA That was short and sweet. PAUL I'm still hung over. DONNA This is the place. SOUND KNOCKING ON A DOOR, PAUSE THEN KNOCKING AGAIN PAUL Uh-oh. DONNA What? PAUL In the window. DONNA [gasp!] Is he--? PAUL Well, he could be sleeping. On the floor. In a puddle of blood... Here--[effort] SOUND DOOR BEING FORCED, HIS FOOTSTEPS DONNA [off, calling] Anything? PAUL Nothing obvious. DONNA [off] Check him for combs and poison apples, but be careful, Paul! PAUL [quiet] I love it when she worries. DONNA [off] What? PAUL Nothing. [grunts as he rolls him over] Aha. Stabbed in the back. DONNA With what? PAUL I have an idea... And look at this! SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS COME ON DONNA What is--? Why would he have one of those? PAUL Maybe a souvenir from Gramma's house? DONNA No - she only had one, and the wolf was wearing it when he died. PAUL Hmm.... DONNA I'll call Captain Oftheguard-- PAUL No, we'll need him. DONNA Need him for what? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS PAUL [importantly] The denouement. DONNA Are we there already? PAUL Oh, yes. [clears throat] So we rounded up all the unusual suspects - DONNA There's actually only the one. Red. PAUL Oh, well, we got Red and Oftheguard to meet us at Gramma's cottage, a one-room, run-down little affair that had definitely seen better days - three or four kings ago. VOICEOVER MUSIC STOPS DONNA All present and -- who are you? RED [VERY SULTRY] That's my attorney Portia. PORTIA [VERY BRITISH, acknowledging the intro] Most noble lady. PAUL Portia? DONNA [whispered] I think she's from across the pond. PAUL [growls, then mutters] First patticakes, now Shakespeareans - what's next? DONNA Shh. Denouement, remember? PAUL Right. [pulls himself together] Daymoo-- [sighs, almost a growl] Denouement. DONNA Should I start? RED Well somebody should. CAPTAIN We're all here. PAUL Fine. We were hired to investigate the circumstances of a violent death-- RED My Gramma? PAUL Actually, no. We're talking about the death of Mr. Wolf, at the hands of a woodcutter. RED But he was protecting little old me. That's not murder! DONNA Stuff it up your riding hood, Red. Let Paul talk. PAUL [growls appreciatively] As I was saying, Wolf's wife, loyal to the end, insisted that while he might have been on the prowl, he wasn't a killer. And she was right, wasn't she, Captain? CAPTAIN He? [grudgingly] Turns out you're right. There was no sign of gramma in the wolf's stomach contents. DONNA Great! CAPTAIN [defensive] But there was Gramma - bits - found in his mouth and teeth - so there was no reason for us to look any farther. PAUL Understandable. CAPTAIN The guard is always busy, and understaffed. DONNA We're agreeing with you. PAUL So the wolf was a patsy. A fall guy. PORTIA What, like icarus? DONNA Don't confuse him. PAUL And once we rule out who seemed to be the murderer, we have to look at motive. CAPTAIN Which is? RED Yes, enlighten us - If you think I want to own this run-down little rathole, you're sadly mistaken. It's so old, it might as well have been built out of gingerbread. DONNA Ah! Well I found out, from a contact in the D-A's office and highway planning board, that there's been a highway supposed to go through this very spot, but it's been held up in the planning stages, since Gramma didn't want to sell. RED [gasp] PORTIA Is there something I should know? SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR CAPTAIN That will be Officer Sees-Real-Far. [raising voice] come in! S-R-F We did what you said sir, and-- CAPTAIN [lowering his voice] And? S-R-F [low] out behind the woodshed sir. CAPTAIN Very good. PORTIA In the interest of disclosure, sire--[don't forget her best line - the devil is in the details, milord] CAPTAIN In a bit. Go on. DONNA But even if Red had a very good motive - by the way, my contact also said the board bought the land this morning - and for a pretty penny. RED [petulant] I may be in mourning for my gramma, but business is business. DONNA Right. We come to the death of the woodcutter. Supposedly an innocent bystander, dragged in to the whole mess out of pure chivalry and civic duty. PAUL Or was he--? RED What are you implying? You won't find anyone who saw us together until AFTER the fact. PORTIA I ought to caution you to remain silent. RED Why? I have nothing to hide. PORTIA Yes, I can tell by your dress. DONNA Back to the subject. PAUL Funny you should mention dresses, there, mouthpiece. Because the wolf - who also was probably never seen with you, Red, was howling to all his friends about a hot little number‑‑ DONNA --red-hot-- PAUL --who was keeping company with him, and how she was a little kinky. RED Shut up! PAUL She liked him to dress up-- RED Tell him I'll sue! PAUL In an old lady's nightgown. RED [collapses into tears] DONNA It started out as part of the plot, didn't it? Just a way to get him into the nightie before he tucked himself up and waited for you? PAUL But you realized it really got your ball rolling. DONNA Otherwise, why would we have found this-- SOUND NIGHTGOWN PULLED OUT OF BAG DONNA In the woodcutter's bedroom? CAP, RED, POR [GASP!!] RED I forgot about that... PAUL Not hard, since just as you didn't actually kill the wolf, you didn't actually kill the woodcutter either. DONNA [completely surprised] She didn't? PAUL [pleased with himself] Nope. Captain, I think you already have that killer in custody. CAPTAIN [baffled] I do? DONNA Come on! Spill! PAUL That prince who attacked us on the street, beautiful. While you were -- CAPTAIN Causing a disturbance. DONNA Defending myself. PAUL Turning into a whirlwind, I happened to notice his sword had a tiny smear of dried blood on it. It didn't strike me at the time, except that he was pretty careless with his weapon. DONNA And the woodcutter--? PAUL When I saw the stab wound in his back, I thought it looked strange - awkward. Sword's aren't made for that, but they'll do. I think you'll find, Captain when you do an autopsy on the poor fellow, that it's the same caliber. CAPTAIN Swords don't have calibers. DONNA So it's an Ex-caliber? PAUL [growls] Size, shape, whatever. Don't nitpick, this is the big payoff! DONNA So she vamped him into killing the wolf-- PAUL Not too hard, a poor but honest woodcutter, and a tamale like that-- DONNA He must have thought he died and went to heaven. PAUL And he did, just the other way round. CAPTAIN So this prince--? DONNA She must have heard we were onto her. PAUL And she gave him a sob story and sent him round to take me out. DONNA Possibly hoping I'd get caught in the crossfire-- um cross sword, um... PAUL Fray? DONNA Fray. Yes. PORTIA But you still have no proof of any of this. CAPTAIN [chuckles] That's where you're wrong, milady. PAUL Oh? CAPTAIN My officer just now? Well, I had some of my boys dig around out back, and guess what they found? RED Oh No! PORTIA My client is admitting nothing. CAPTAIN They found Gramma. Dead. Buried under the woodshed. And I think we're going to find she wasn't killed by wolf, woodcutter or demented prince. Eh, Red? RED All right! I did it! She was a tiresome senile old biddy who stockpiled newspapers and put food out for the bluebird of happiness! She had no reason to live, let alone to keep me from my dreams! DONNA Which are? RED [unconvincing] Oh, you know - fame fortune, marry a prince. PAUL Really? RED [admitting] Ok, so my only dream is to kill her and get a bunch of money, is that so wrong? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA A nice end to another tough case. Mrs. Wolf got her insurance money, and the cubs can go to college-- PAUL Red got her comeuppance, and the prince went into therapy-- DONNA And the money from the sale of gramma's land went to a distant relation living in a pumpkin shell. PAUL [grumbling] Patticakes. DONNA And we-- PAUL --we got our fee-- DONNA --and the warm feeling-- PAUL --of helping someone in need. DONNA Stop! Darn it Paul. I'm tired of this. PAUL Of what? DONNA All of this. Fighting over voiceovers, everything. PAUL You-- you mean? DONNA Yes. PAUL Well, I can't say I wasn't expecting it. DONNA I've just been holding out to be nice. PAUL [wilting] Of course. DONNA So, as of tomorrow-- PAUL [growly sigh, very small] Yes? DONNA I want my own damn voiceover music! PAUL [immensely cheered] Oh! CLOSING OLIVIA Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back. Maybe next week? Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...
HELP SUPPORT NEW EPISODES! Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/19Nocturne Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/a_d_infinitum Next month (May 2022) will be one of the following (contact us through twitter or facebook or email to vote!): A. Deadeye Kid prequel B. Fatal Girl, season 2, episode 1 C. Something else entirely Ko-fi votes count for every dollar donated!!! TALK THE TALK Written by Julie Hoverson, sound mixing by Neil Gowland CAST Lydia Farnsworth - Julie Hoverson Thomas Farnsworth - JD Lauriat (Haunted House Flippers) Alice White - Shannon Perry (OZ-9) Phone - Pete Lutz (Narada Radio) Judge - Russell Gold Foreman - Jay Langejeans D.A. - Kerr Lordygan Guard - Jimmy Robbins Couch - Chris Hart Elevator - Cary Michael Ayers Lighter - Richard Hand Lamp - Boyd Barrett Sink - Blythe Renay Gun - Thomas Rippert Closet - Joe Griffin WHISPERS Erin Suminsby James C. Taylor Ruya Telhami Julie Hoverson David S. Dear Fiona Thraille *************************************************************** TALK THE TALK Cast: Olivia Lydia Farnsworth Thomas Farnsworth Alice White Judge Foreman D.A. Guard Phone Couch Elevator C Lighter Lamp Sink Gun Closet MUSIC OLIVIA Why, it's a courtroom, can't you tell? Where else would you find... a murderer? Scene 1. LYDIA [condescending, replying to a question] Lydia Farnsworth - Everyone here knows that. ... Yes, yes. ... I killed him. It was self-defense. He was planning to kill me. ... [hesitant, lying] An anonymous phone call. [narrating] Of course I can't say who told me - everyone would think I was utterly insane. When it started, Icouldn't even understand it, much less believe - how could I convince anyone else? MUSIC Scene 2. STING LYDIA [narrating] I know I am a joke. An older woman, rich and prominent, married to a much younger - well, a youngerman. And I'm not THAT old - 40 isn't really, and everyone says I look more like 35. But he looks 29 - which he is - so ... tongues will wag. SOUND Tom screams, long, distant and echoey. LYDIA Oh, that was later. Tom almost never screams. TOM [screams, but happily] Hey! SOUND ROULETTE WHEEL. TOM Didja see that? Boy oh boy, if I could bottle that! LYDIA [purring] You're a lucky man. TOM [interested] We-e-ell.... I guess I am. Hey Kitten, wanna help make a rich man poor again? MUSIC Scene 3. UNDER LYDIA [narrating] It was that moment that I fell for him. He didn't know who I was, but he wanted to give me a treat. I kept it up for a while, pretending to be just another secretary on vacation, not letting on. I felt so guilty, letting him pay for all those dinners, the gifts... TOM Kitten, this necklace is just aching to be around your neck. Hear it? [silly voice] Hey lady, take me home, I love you.... LYDIA [narrating, suddenly struck by something] Oh. [beat] No, no - never mind. TOM Don't you know that everything has a voice? Listen to the wind - it calls your name to me, telling me I gotta keep hold of you. Whattaya say, Kitten? Wanna make it permanent? MUSIC UNDER LYDIA [narrating, shaken] Yes, he DID say things like that - perhaps that was why... [beat] Tom worked late a lot - particularly after I told him I was - we were - wealthy. It was like he felt he had to make up for something. He never even introduced me to his family - just said he grew up dirt poor. I think he was ... ashamed. TOM [filter] Sorry, Kitten, but I gotta really burn some oil on this one. You understand, right? LYDIA Of course. [narrating] What else could I say, it was so sweet of him to worry. To want to make me proud. Scene 4. SOUND Candlestick phone hangs up. Footsteps walk away. PHONE [Male voice, filter] He's cheating on ya. LYDIA [panicked, slightly distant] What? Who? PHONE [filter] The husband. Tom. He calls HER all the time when you're out. You want her number? LYDIA Who is this? Where are you? PHONE [filter] Right over here, where I always am. LYDIA [getting more agitated] I don't see anyone! Is this some kind of game? SOUND Footsteps, hesitant, then dashing about. PHONE [filter] I wanted to show my appreciation, see, for not throwing me over when the new model came out - LYDIA What? Where are you? SOUND Door opens. LYDIA [muffled slightly] Hello? Where...? PHONE [filter] No one understands a classic any more. SOUND Door slams. LYDIA [sobbing] This is not funny! I don't know who you are, but you can just get out! PHONE [filter, very close] I'm right here. Look down. LYDIA [quavering] Wha-a-at? [relieved] Oh, the line must still be open. SOUND Candlestick phone picked up, taken off the hook, tap of cradle. LYDIA [loudly] This is not funny, whoever you are. I don't... SOUND Dial tone - continues in background until stated. LYDIA What...? PHONE [filter] I'm not ON your phone, lady. ... I AM your phone. SOUND Clatter of phone hitting floor, dial tone continues, but distant. PHONE [filter] Hey! I'm trying to help you here! LYDIA Nooo! SOUND Phone is kicked across floor. SOUND Dial tone stops. LYDIA [breathing hard] SOUND hesitant footsteps, continuing. PHONE [Unintelligible, distant whisper] LYDIA [whispered] How can you be talking? PHONE [whispered, wavering] Closer, come closer. LYDIA I'm... I'm sorry I kicked you. PHONE [moans, slightly closer] LYDIA Are you ... all right? PHONE [whispering] I gotta ... you need to hear this. SOUND Phone picked up from floor. LYDIA Yes, I'm listening. PHONE [shouting] Don't DO that! SOUND Phone hits floor again. MUSIC UNDER LYDIA [narrating, matter of fact] I felt so bad. But it wasn't hurt. They really built those old phones to last. And what it toldme...! PHONE Sunset 1-1-9-7. I don't know who she is, but what he says to her - whoo-wee. Scene 5. LYDIA [narrating] But how could I tell anyone? My PHONE spoke to me? I told THEM I got an anonymous call. And of course, the phone never used a name, so it wasn't precisely a LIE... TOM Kitten, I'm home! LYDIA Oh, yes. Tom. The phone line lothario. [calling away] Darling, was it a good meeting? TOM The best. [SOUND: KISS] Not better than coming home, though. LYDIA [neutral] Of course. TOM Oh, you're not mad, are you kitten? It's important that I do my time at the office, don't you see? Show everyone - show you - that I'm not just a... a... PHONE Gold digger. LYDIA What? TOM You know, a social climber. PHONE Gi-go-lo. LYDIA Did you hear that? TOM What? If it's the Joneses and their idiot record player again... LYDIA No. It's nothing. LYDIA [narrating] It wasn't nothing, of course. Soon, other supposedly inanimate objects began to have their little piece to say... Scene 6. SOUND water running SINK [cheery] Almost out of soap! And my drain will clog if you don't stop him from washing down his coffee grounds! LYDIA Him? SINK [significant, like a hint] Him. LYDIA [narrating] After the initial shock wore off, it was so EASY to listen. SOUND Click of light being turned on. LAMP [high squeaky voice] On! Better? LYDIA [startled] What? LAMP Are you going to read? Knit maybe? HE likes the dark. Especially when she's here. SOUND Light switched off. LAMP [voice now low] Off. Yep. Just like that. LYDIA [narrating] At first I thought I was crazy, but then I realized - if I was crazy, how could I know all the things they were telling me? SOUND plumping up pillows COUCH [seedy voice, out the corner of the mouth] I know who she is. SOUND Plumping stops, Lydiasits on couch. COUCH Hey, I didn't ask you to sit on me! LYDIA Oh! Who is she? COUCH I would recognize her from behind better, if you catch my drift... LYDIA You mean she actually sat on you - I mean on MY COUCH? COUCH You don't have to rub it in. LYDIA [narrating] I had to have it out with her. I COULDN'T just let this - this farce - go on, right under my nose and behind my back! PHONE Sunset 1-1-9-7? You got it. SOUND Phone dials. LYDIA What'll I say? PHONE I could tell you what HE says... SOUND Phone picks up. LYDIA Shut up! ALICE [filter] Well! SOUND Slams phone down. LYDIA This is hopeless. How can I find a person from her phone number? PHONE All you need is a good story. COUCH [off mike] I know a couple of good stories... PHONE & LYDIA Shut UP! LAMP [high squeaky voice] You tell 'em! Scene 7. SOUND Phone is dialed. Picked up. ALICE [filter] Hello? LYDIA [brisk, but clearly reading] Telegram for Sunset 1-1-9-7 - May I have your name please? ALICE [filter] White. Alice White. [concerned] A telegram? LYDIA Good. Miss White, can you confirm your address, in case we need to forward a copy to your home? ALICE [filter] What's the message? LYDIA I have to confirm your address, miss. The message is marked urgent. ALICE [filter, more worried] 24 Topham drive, floor 6. Now what-? SOUND phone hangs up. LYDIA & PHONE collapse into giggles. COUCH & LAMP laugh too. SINK [far off mike] What? What's so funny? MUSIC Scene 8. UNDER LYDIA [narrating] I went. I had to. I needed to see this cuckoo's egg. Alice White. What a name - plebian, that's what I call it. Strictly middle class. AND the elevator was broken in her building. SOUND Buzzer, door opens. LYDIA Alice- ALICE [friendly] -- White. And you? LYDIA [narrating] She was horrible. Horribly perfect - buttermilk complexion, flaxen hair... She should have been a dairymaid in one of those travel posters for Holland or Sweden - one of those places with dirndls and windmills and tulips. ALICE Can I help you? LYDIA [narrating] At least I had my story straight this time - my phone is VERY handy with a lie. [to Alice] I am here seeking donations to the Mid-Town Orphanage. Can you spare anything? [Narrating] From the looks of her - the threadbare, out of fashion dress, the tatty carpet in the hall, she was sure to laugh in my face- ALICE Oh, gosh... [going away] I'm sure I've got something. Hmm... here! [coming back] Can you maybe use this? LYDIA [numb] A lighter? ALICE I think it's real gold, and I don't smoke. I couldn't think what to do with it. LYDIA Won't... your husband... be annoyed? ALICE [giggles] Got none. Not yet. It was sort of a present - kind of like for emergency money, but I'd feel bad just selling it or throwing it out, but this sounds like a real good cause. LYDIA [narrating] I walked away with the gold lighter in my hand - the gold lighter I GAVE him for our honeymoon... LIGHTER [British accent] I say, don't I know you? LYDIA [narrating] I waited until we were alone. [to lighter, whispered] How did you get THERE? LIGHTER [whispering] Oh, this is jolly exciting, just like Scotland Yard... LYDIA Answer me! LIGHTER If you must take that tone! Young Thomas gifted me to her. I see almost as much of him here as I ever saw in his flat. LYDIA MY flat. LIGHTER Oh, like that is it? Well well well... MUSIC Scene 9. UNDER LYDIA [narrating] It was all true. And she was so darned NICE I couldn't even hate her. Just HIM. I felt like a character in a bad drama - the cheated wife. So alone... But I wasn't alone, you see. I had all of THEM. SOUND Door shuts, footsteps. LYDIA [off mike] Dear? Are you home? SOUND phone hanging up. TOM [on mike] You bet, Kitten! LYDIA Oh, good. I was afraid you'd forgotten-- PHONE You asked me to let you know if anything interesting happened? LYDIA ...our anniversary? PHONE He was just talking to ... HER. TOM Now what kind of a husband would that make me? PHONE A heel. [admonishing] On your anniversary. LYDIA [shaky] I need to ... to powder my... SOUND footsteps running away TOM Hunh. Women. PHONE You can say that again. SOUND door slams. NEW SCENE_9.5 LYDIA [crying] Oh, Tom! CLOSET Psst, over here. LYDIA What? Over where, Who is--? CLOSET I'm the one with the suits hanging in my rear, whaddaya think? LYDIA [sighs] Oh. [sniffs] SOUND footsteps LYDIA [weakly] Yes? CLOSET Check the top shelf. [annoyed] On his side! SOUND door opens. Boxes shift. Something metal is picked up. LYDIA A gun? When did Tom get a gun? TOM [off mike, muffled] Kitten, honey? We need to get shuffling. Are you powdered enough yet? LYDIA [calling] Almost! [whispered] When? Tell me! CLOSET What am I, a calendar? I don't know dates from donuts. LYDIA [frustrated noise] CLOSET But what I DO know is that that piece of hardware wasn't in me until... yesterday. LYDIA Yesterday? TOM [muffled, off mike] Kitten? I'm coming in! LYDIA Don't you dare! SOUND doorknob rattles, Lydia's running footsteps, door slams shut. LYDIA I'm - I'm wrapping your present, darling. You've got to give me a moment. TOM [pleased] Ohhhh. All right, I can wait. I hope it's a lighter - I've only been hinting ever since I lost that great one you gave me before. SOUND Gun cocks. LYDIA [muttered] I should give him the same one - see how he laughs at that. SOUND Footsteps back to closet. Boxes shift. LYDIA I think it was ... [grunt of effort] about there. GUN HEY!!! What are you, crazy? Never leave me lying around cocked! I could go off! MUSIC Scene 10. STING LYDIA [narrating] I thought about it for a long time. About the gun. About what it meant - being in Tom's closet and all. And I wondered if he could possibly be planning what I might think he was planning.... Even if he did intend to kill me, could I do something about it? Get him before he got me? I LOVED Tom. And he'd always been so sweet... PHONE Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. What you need is gumption, sweetheart. LYDIA Just because he's cheating doesn't mean he's planning to ... to-- PHONE To buy a gun? Too late. What else do you think he's NOT planning to do? LYDIA He wouldn't - couldn't - hurt me. Any more than I could hurt him-- SOUND door opens TOM Oh, hi! [puzzled] Hello? Kitten, who're you talking to? LYDIA [easily] Just the phone, dear. SOUND short smooch. LYDIA [narrating] I was getting rather good at lying. Almost as good as the phone - now, THERE was a champion. I guess it came from hearing all those lies... All the time. TOM [talking on phone] Bob? Listen, it's me, Tom Farnsworth. Yes, from Farnsworth & Wilson. Now, we need to talk... PHONE [over Tom, whispered] Funny, Bob's usually a fella's name... LYDIA [reacts] PHONE He's getting worse. You need to DO something. TOM [continues under Phone] Yes, that's right - tomorrow for lunch. ... Dinner instead? I think I can... Let me just check. [to Lydia] Kitten, can you spare me for dinner tomorrow? Big client... LYDIA [long beat] Of course. Dear. I have someone I really need to talk to anyway. [narrating] The next night, I knew where to find him. Unfortunately, I couldn't take any of my ... friends ... with me - except the lighter, and that accent was getting on my nerves. LIGHTER I say! Scene 11. LYDIA [snorts] But when you're like me, there's always someone around to answer questions... ELEVATOR ...about five minutes ago? Yeah, I know the guy. He's a regular. Sometimes I even take him up. LYDIA Are you working today? ELEVATOR [huffy] Whaddaya mean? I'm always working! LYDIA But the sign... ELEVATOR The super puts the sign up to save electricity - cheapskate. Now, if youknow how to run me up... LYDIA [deflated] I'm not sure... ELEVATOR Step in, it's pretty much automatic. SOUND elevator gate slides open ELEVATOR See the button there.... MUSIC UNDER LYDIA It's funny how every THING I ever talked to wanted to be so helpful, when all the people around me weren't. The elevator even gave me a little tip... ELEVATOR That little knob right there - that's what keeps the door shut when I'm not around. The spring pushes it out - and then, when I come up, it gets pushed in, and voila...! You don't want the door comin' open up here when I'm in the basement, eh? LYDIA Oh, no. SOUND DISTANT BELL. ELEVATOR Whoops! That's me. Would ya' get the door? I gotta go, sweetheart. LYDIA Oh? Oh, certainly. SOUND ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES. LYDIA I crept down the hall, ever so quiet. SOUND door opens TOM [off] ...right back - just need - [on mike] Oh. Lydia. LYDIA [deep breath] You needn't worry. I'm leaving. SOUND Sharp footsteps TOM Lydia. Kitten. It's not what you think! SOUND Tom's footsteps rush to catch up to her. LYDIA Stay away from me, Tom. TOM Just stop! LYDIA [reacts as Tom grabs her] Uh! Let go of me! SOUND Slight struggle. Lydia's footsteps running. LYDIA I had only one chance...I ran for the elevator. But the gate wouldn't open! I pushed and pushed-- SOUND Elevator door opens. Lydia's footsteps stop, Tom's footsteps catch up. TOM Let me-- LYDIA No! Let go! [sound of exertion, pushing him away] SOUND Tom's footsteps stagger, then... LYDIA Oh, no! It's NOT--! TOM [screams as he did at beginning] LYDIA And that was that. I tried to stop him from going over. At least I think I did, but it WAS my fault. ALICE [coming on mike, breathless] What...? Where's Tom? You're that lady-- LYDIA Tom? He's MY husband! How dare you-- ALICE [panicking] What have you done to Tom? Where's my brother? MUSIC Scene 12. UNDER LYDIA [narrating] And that's why I'm here. If he was cheating on me, I would have fought harder. Could have gotten away. But the look on that girl's face... My own sister-in-law. TOM [screams again] LYDIA Yes, and poor Tom. SOUND Gavel hits twice D.A. Your name please? LYDIA [condescending] Lydia Farnsworth - Everyone here knows that. D.A. And you are testifying in your own behalf of your own free will? LYDIA [testy] Yes, yes. D.A. You are on trial for the murder of your husband, Tom Farns- LYDIA I killed him. It was self-defense. I thought he was planning to kill me. D.A. What led you to think your husband had such designs? LYDIA [hesitant, lying] An anonymous phone call. [narrating] I suppose I could have admitted everything, made a plea for mercy on the grounds of insanity, but I-- TOM [screams again] LYDIA [narrating] I simply couldn't get Tom out of my head. I don't know how all these murderers do it, just kill people and walk away. SOUND Gavel bangs JUDGE Has the jury reached a verdict? FOREMAN We find the defendant ... guilty. LYDIA [resigned] I was relieved, actually. I believed I could face anything, since I would never really be alone. Even the judge's gavel had a kind word. ...Though not the judge. JUDGE For your heinous crimes, I hereby sentence you to death. CROWD [Reaction, gasps] MUSIC Scene 13. STING LYDIA I suppose it was only right - and I really had no reason to go on living, without [SOUND: same scream] Tom. Funny how I look back and see how badly mistaken we all were. It's far too easy to blow things right out of proportion. SOUND footsteps, cutlery set on plate. GUARD You done with that? LYDIA Yes, thank you. It was ... surprisingly tasty. GUARD It's time, then. Come on. SOUND jail door opens, footsteps slowly walk. VOICES [Whispers begin comforting at the start, build.] LYDIA [whispered] Thank you. Thank you all so much. GUARD What? LYDIA Nothing. [narrating] Everything is so encouraging, telling me how brave I am. I'm not brave, really, just ... just tired. GUARD Stop. SOUND KEYS JINGLE. LYDIA Such a relief, really. And then... I'll be with Tom. SOUND LOCK UNLOCKS. Scene 14. WHISPERS [fade out] LYDIA I didn't notice it immediately. My mind was miles away, thinking about how I would make it up to him - he'd certainly understand, about how it was really an accident and all. SOUND SQUEAKY DOORKNOB TURNS. LYDIA But the voices were gone. Even when I closed my eyes and concentrated, there was nothing. It left me feeling ... very ... alone. Oh, well, it wouldn't be for long. SOUND [DISTANT, OFF MIKE] PHONE RINGS. GUARD Stay here. LYDIA What? Of course. I've nowhere to go. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, phone picked up LYDIA Once I rejoined Tom, everything would be all right. I wouldn't NEED them - my friends - any more. Just him. GUARD [behind and under Lydia] Yeah? Who? LYDIA That's why I let it get this far. Fired my lawyer. Made no defense. Admitted everything. GUARD [behind and under] Uh-huh? Got it. LYDIA Just to bring me to this moment. And I wasn't afraid - no matter what this room, this horrible room, might have to say, I was ready. SOUND FOOTSTEPS COME BACK LYDIA And it wouldn't take long. Not long at all, they say. And then, [happy sigh] Tom. GUARD Come on. SOUND KEYS JINGLE LYDIA Well, it's about time. Isn't everyone waiting? GUARD [beat] Not any more, lady. SOUND LOCKING DOOR LYDIA You're an idiot. Open this door. GUARD I may be an idiot, but you're a loon. [beat] That was the governor. You've been commuted. Come on back... LYDIA [gasp, then sharp] Don't talk nonsense. [plaintive, ending in a wail] No! I can't be left all alone! You simply have to kill me! MUSIC
Written by Julie Hoverson, loosely based on a story by O Henry (The Duplicity of Hargraves) An actor takes a chance to help out a friend. Cast List Hargraves - Charles Austin Miller Governor - Dave Marshall Lydia - Dawn Harvey Music by Enox Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Charles Austin Miller What kind of a place is it? Why it's an unfashionable residence hotel on a space station, can't you tell?" ************************************************ Duplicity [Loosely inspired by the Duplicity of Hargraves by O. Henry] Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Governor Pendleton, elderly man, slightly senile Lydia, his daughter Anthony Hargraves, the actor/Mac Bac OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a quaint old boarding hotel on a teensy out of the way unfashionable space platform, of the classic sci fi kind, can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1. AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND SCI FI DOORS SHUSHS OPEN GOVERNOR Anthony! So pleased to see you. Come right in. ANTHONY Thank you so much for having me, sir. SOUND DOOR SHUSHES SHUT GOVERNOR Have a seat. [commanding] Gamma mu? [beat, waiting] Gamma mu? [petulant] Where is that robot? LYDIA [coming in] Oh, father. I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you. Gamma Mu is in the shop. GOVERNOR That's preposterous! Back in my day, they built robots to last! LYDIA Gamma Mu is getting on in years, just as you are father. [choking up a bit] It should be back in working order in a couple of days. I - I think I smell something burning-- SOUND SHE DASHES OUT GOVERNOR [courtly again] If you will excuse me, Anthony, I shall have to go and fetch the drinks tray myself. ANTHONY Oh, please, don't bother yourself, Governor! I'm happy to do that. GOVERNOR You are a guest in my house, young man. ANTHONY And I am quite used to having to look after myself. [a chuckle] Besides, I'm sure Lydia has everything ready - it won't take any effort on my part at all. GOVERNOR She's a good girl. Too bad she never married. ANTHONY [agreeing, but not encouraging] Yes. SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN, SHUT LYDIA [crying quietly in the background] ANTHONY Lydia? LYDIA [gasp, then trying to get over the crying jag, sniffling, wiping her face, etc. A couple of breaths, then an attempt to be cheery] Over here. SOUND HE TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS. SOUND SHE PUTS GLASSES ON A TRY ANTHONY What's wrong? LYDIA [brittle, pretending cheer] Oh, Mr. Hargraves. What makes you think something's wrong? ANTHONY Lydia. If there's one thing any actor worth his salt learns before anything else, it's how to tell when someone is lying. LYDIA [sniffle, almost loses it] It's - it's not your problem. ANTHONY Will you let me help? Is it something about Gamma Mu? I mean, I know you've had that robot for years-- LYDIA [sudden rush of admission] I pawned it. ANTHONY What? LYDIA It's not broken. And it's not coming back. [heavy sigh] We needed the money. ANTHONY But your father's estates-- LYDIA Venus is in a recession. And the incomes simply can't keep up with the cost of living. Space station habitats are so expensive. ANTHONY You could-- go back to a surface home? LYDIA Hah. No place will have father, even now. We're just lucky that HERE, in a place so [distasteful] mercenary, no one cares about what he did any more. Hmph. If they ever did. ANTHONY He was never prosecuted. LYDIA He didn't do anything worse than any other territorial governor. He was ... made an example of. And, being father, he refused to unbend and let some PR firm mend his reputation. He truly believes he was, and always has been, in the right. ANTHONY [gentle] The Venusians see it differently. LYDIA [bitter] Oh, yes, take their side. ANTHONY I'm not! I just... once you've played both the good and the bad enough times, you start to see things from everyone's side. You simply can't help yourself. SOUND RATTLE OF GLASSES ON TRAY LYDIA [controlled again] Here. Father will be wondering where you got to. ANTHONY [cajoling] Lydia-- LYDIA [dismissing him] Mr. Hargraves. SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN, SHUT LYDIA [heavy sigh] SOUND DOOR OPENS AGAIN IMMEDIATELY ANTHONY [rushing back in, hushed] How much? LYDIA What? SOUND DOOR SHUTS ANTHONY [normal volume] How much did you get for Gamma Mu? LYDIA [rueful laugh] Turns out the old Mu line are classics. Collectible. They gave me 200 credits. Would have been more, but I refused to sell it outright. [little sigh] Yet. ANTHONY You have hope of getting some money before the time is up? LYDIA Hope is what we live on. ...and memories. ANTHONY Hmm. [making a decision] Right. SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN AGAIN GOVERNOR Where's Lydia? ANTHONY She - uh- wanted to freshen up. GOVERNOR [chuckles indulgently] "Put herself back together" as she says. As often as she needs to do that, you'd think the girl was as badly in need of replacement parts as our poor servo robot. ANTHONY [laughs] GOVERNOR More likely she just wants to leave you on your own to put up with my storytelling. ANTHONY Sir, I - GOVERNOR No, no. Until we made your acquaintance, young man, there was no one to tell my stories to but my poor dear Lydia, and saint that she is, she put up with it. ANTHONY [oh, come on] Sir! GOVERNOR That girl should have married, and left the nest, 20 years ago. [sadly, drifting into memory] But after all that happened-- ANTHONY Why don't you make us your famous Venusian aperitifs, sir? GOVERNOR [brought back with a tiny gasp] Ah? [befuddled] Oh, yes. I was about to do that, wasn't I? ANTHONY No one makes them like you do, sir. GOVERNOR Of course not! I invented the drink. Everyone nowadays makes these with an extract of Venusian basil - or god forbid synthetic - But I must have the real thing or nothing. [musing again] Lydia somehow always manages to have a pinch or two ready for me, no matter the cost. ANTHONY She is very concerned about your comfort. Shows a great deal of character. SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN GOVERNOR What is it you actors say? "As if on cue?" [chuckles indulgently] ANTHONY [chuckles] GOVERNOR My dear, will you join us? LYDIA I already have a drink of my own, but I might stay and keep you gentlemen company -- for a little while. ANTHONY Certainly! GOVERNOR Capital. I shall make us just the two, then. ANTHONY As many times as you've treated me to these, I should definitely reciprocate. GOVERNOR Nonsense. ANTHONY Or at least bring you some of the basil? GOVERNOR No, no. Hospitality is what you give freely, with no thought of reciprocation. Otherwise it becomes merely [disgusted] commerce. ANTHONY I see. LYDIA [changing the subject] You said you had a new show going up soon, Anthony? ANTHONY Oh, yes. LYDIA [teasing a little] And what are you playing this week? ANTHONY Guess. [cuts them off with a sharp intake of breath] But I will warn you it has more than four limbs. LYDIA [laughs] You and your alien roles. Is it just the one extra, like the Venusians, or the full complement of a Martian? ANTHONY Actually, this time I'm from Pluto. GOVERNOR Plutonians? But they never come this close to the sun! ANTHONY Artistic license. The story is a murder mystery set at a diplomatic event near the asteroid belt. GOVERNOR [amused] What will they come up with next? LYDIA I can understand why you have to double for a plutonian, but why not get real Martians to play Martians and real Venusians to play Venusians? ANTHONY Martians don't like being too close to humans, say we smell too unpleasant. For moving pictures, you can still shoot scenes in pieces and clip them together, but in stage work it doesn't go at all. LYDIA And all the extra body mass? ANTHONY Elementary rotoscoping replacement on film, Padding and exoskeleton on stage. Simple servo mechanical movements. And of course the voice changer. GOVERNOR [half asleep] Wonder of wonders. ANTHONY And most people have only seen them - either Venusians or martians - on screen. LYDIA But isn't that expensive? ANTHONY Well, if all else fails, if there's just the one extra arm, you stick it in a sling and pretend it is broken. LYDIA [laughs for real] GOVERNOR [splutters a bit, waking, then] That is just what I like to hear, my dear. ANTHONY The problem with using real Venusians in any kind of show - well, their artistic culture is one of unfettered improvisation and sudden impulse - they haven't really adjusted to the concept of scripted material. [realizing he's getting into potentially bad territory] They've ... only dealt with a written language... for a very short time. GOVERNOR [sigh, then regretful] That was one of the reasons for such a debate about accepting them as a truly sentient and evolved species. ANTHONY [eager] Yes? GOVERNOR Having some form of recordation of history and science - we don't include fiction as being necessary for sentience, you understand? ANTHONY [joking] A lot of people don't. GOVERNOR [slight indulgent chuckle] You see, as they had no recording system that we could fathom, it was hard to be entirely certain that they weren't simply bright, imitative animals. ANTHONY Which was why you were put in charge of the planet. GOVERNOR I ran a tight ship, and made that planet [sigh, reminiscing fondly] one of the most profitable in the entire solar system. MUSIC SCENE 2. AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME GOVERNOR [querulous] Where's young Anthony got to? Haven't seen him in weeks. LYDIA [amused] He's been filming again, papa. And he's not precisely "young". He's my age. GOVERNOR Yes, I have been meaning to talk to you about that. You could do worse than that young fellow. LYDIA Papa! GOVERNOR Actor or not, he's a fine young man. Knows how to treat his elders properly. Shows respect. [i] Like him. LYDIA Father, I am hardly young either, I-- GOVERNOR Should have married and left the nest a donkey's years back. Precisely. LYDIA I can't leave you alone, papa. [trying to be funny, but starting to sound teary] At least not until they fix the robot. GOVERNOR [gently] You mean at least not until I have gone on to a better place, don't you? LYDIA [almost crying] Papa! GOVERNOR I am old, my child, and I realize that there will come an end. Not today, or tomorrow, but I don't want to see you spending your time in regrets because you clung to this sinking spar when you could have been taken off in a lifeboat. [Silence] LYDIA [trying to change the subject] I'm sure... Anthony will come back and visit again soon. GOVERNOR [befuddled now] What was it you said he was doing? LYDIA [relieved] Filming, papa. He said he'd be gone for a month while they made a movie. GOVERNOR Will we be able to see it? LYDIA If it broadcasts on one of the stations we can receive. GOVERNOR [grumbling] Used to be more channels. I swear I recall- LYDIA Yes papa! There were, but most of them have become so ... violent and unpleasant. I canceled them. GOVERNOR You are such a sensitive young lady. LYDIA [deep sigh, melancholy] Yes. MUSIC SCENE 3. AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND CLEANING, WASH BUCKET SOUND SPACE AGE DOORBELL LYDIA Huh? SOUND FEET, INTERCOM LYDIA Who is it? ANTHONY [on intercom] Me! I mean Mr. Hargraves. I just got back and have a copy of my new film. I thought I might bring it over and show it to you - you both. LYDIA You can't come in now! Neither of us is ... prepared to see company. You know how papa insists on being in full governor regalia to entertain! ANTHONY Gosh, I'm sorry! I only wanted to surprise you. LYDIA Surprise us again in an hour, if you please. ANTHONY [laughing] Anything to oblige a lady! SOUND INTERCOM OFF. LYDIA Oh, goodness. How will I ever get the cleaning finished? SOUND HURRIES AWAY LYDIA [off slightly] Papa? You might wish to prepare yourself for company! MUSIC SCENE 4. AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND TV TURNS ON, TUBE WARMS UP GOVERNOR [querulous] What was this movie about? ANTHONY [eager] You'll just have to see. I think you'll like it. SOUND MUSIC CHANGES GOVERNOR Oh, my. The old place. ANTHONY They found some cracking stock footage. GOVERNOR Can you make it a bit bigger? My eyes aren't what they once were. ANTHONY [really proud] Absolutely sir. I want you to be able to see this! ANNOUNCER Many people think they know about the early days of the Venus colony, but all they really know is the rumors. GOVERNOR [a bit annoyed] What? LYDIA Oh, no. ANTHONY Shh-shh! This is the good part! ANTHONY [on screen, sounding exactly like the Governor] Hospitality is what you give freely, with no thought of reciprocation. Otherwise it becomes merely [disgusted] commerce. GOVERNOR [low growl] What have you done? ANTHONY [completely surprised] Sir? ANTHONY [on screen] I invented this drink, you know. GOVERNOR Get out! ANTHONY You don't understand! All I wanted to do was show the reality under all the terrible stories that people bandied about - show the humanity! GOVERNOR Get OUT! LYDIA You had better go. ANTHONY At least let me reward you for the help you gave me - even though you didn't know you were doing it. GOVERNOR Are you insinuating you will pay me for this impersonation? For stealing my -my - entire ---[splutters] LYDIA Shh! Shh! Father. [a little frantic] Mr. Hargraves, you are no longer welcome in this house. Leave! SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN SOUND HE TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS GOVERNOR [off slightly] For this LAMPOON! ANTHONY [wince noise] [quiet] Lydia? LYDIA Don't! ANTHONY I thought this would be a way to help you. Both of you. LYDIA [quietly furious] Help? By driving papa into a veritable fit? Go! MUSIC SCENE 5. AMB GOVERNOR'S HOME GOVERNOR [sounding weaker] Lydia? LYDIA [worried] Yes, Papa? GOVERNOR Lydia? Hasn't young Anthony visited? LYDIA No, papa. [lying] He - he's been away for the last week, filming. GOVERNOR Again? Did we see his last film? LYDIA Yes, papa. It was very nice. GOVERNOR Good, good. He's a nice young man. You could do worse. LYDIA I know, papa. SOUND DOORBELL GOVERNOR Who's there? LYDIA I'll go and see. GOVERNOR Are we expecting someone? Is that why I'm in my uniform? LYDIA [whispered aside] I just thought it might make you feel better. [up] We weren't expecting anyone so early. SOUND INTERCOM ON LYDIA Hello? MAC BAC [alien voice] Greetings. Is this the living place of Previous Governor Pendleton? LYDIA [panicky] Oh! what now? SOUND PUSHES BUTTON LYDIA [Striving to keep calm] This - um - yes - this is the place you are looking for. MAC BAC Is the Previous Governor available? I would like to speak with him. LYDIA He's not feeling well today-- GOVERNOR [more perky sounding] Lydia? Is that a Venusian voice. How interesting! Let's see what the green fellow has to say for himself, eh? LYDIA [sigh] Yes papa. SOUND INTERCOM ON LYDIA Please come in. SOUND DOOR SHUSHES OPEN SOUND WEIRD NOISE OF STRANGE MOVEMENT AS IT ENTERS. GOVERNOR [grunt as he gets up] LYDIA Papa! You don't have to--! GOVERNOR Nonsense. It is only common courtesy to meet a guest on your feet. [up] Greetings. May I ask what occasions this visit? You are very far from your home world. MAC BAC Many years have passed, previous governor. And yet you have not changed so much. Do you not recall Mac Bac? This one was an aide in the mansion. LYDIA [surprised] Oh! GOVERNOR My stars! Yes! Oh, Mac Bac. [delighted] I never thought to see anyone from those days again. Why don't you-- [falters] LYDIA [hurriedly picks up] Would you like a bench to accommodate your form? MAC BAC This one would be most grateful. GOVERNOR Would you be a dear and bring us some refreshment, Lydia? LYDIA Certainly. SOUND BUSTLES OUT GOVERNOR Now that we are alone, what is it that brought you here? MAC BAC This one has come to repay a debt, previous governor. GOVERNOR A debt? I cannot think of anything-- MAC BAC When your office made your departure, you gifted Mac Bac with a number of items. GOVERNOR Oh, yes.... I seem to remember... MAC BAC Among those was a vehicle, given as you could not transport it off planet. GOVERNOR Yes! Now I recall. I apologize for my forgetfulness, but it has been a very long time. MAC BAC This visit is to repay that gift. GOVERNOR Repay? MAC BAC The previous governor said at the time that if a gift was unacceptable, the vehicle could be considered a loan to be repaid at a later date. Many years have passed, for the previous governor's location is not easily uncovered. GOVERNOR [truly touched] And you came all this way to pay me for my old hovercar? MAC BAC The vehicle became the center of a profitable business, transporting visiting dignitaries. After some years, more vehicles, more transporting. Mac Bac has become very comfortable, as you say, and it came upon this one a desire to travel. Travel without purpose is enjoyable, but achieving a goal is more so. GOVERNOR [slightly condescending] You have come a long way to pay back such a slight debt. The car couldn't have been worth more than a hundred credits. MAC BAC Considered as a loan, or even an investment in the business of Mac Bac, this hundred credits has grown like a precocious fern monkey over the past many years. LYDIA How much? GOVERNOR Do not be crude, dear. Never mind the amount, it is the thought that is important. Whatever you feel is necessary to pay, Mac Bac, will be more than enough. MAC BAC This one has had the tabulations done, and this is the amount which is correct. SOUND METAL SET DOWN LYDIA [gasp] GOVERNOR B-but Mac Bac-- MAC BAC One Thousand credits. GOVERNOR But surely you-- MAC BAC Mac Bac does not take charity. This one must even all debts before end of life comes, or debts will follow to next world. GOVERNOR Oh. Yes. We are all getting a bit old, are we not? LYDIA Father! GOVERNOR Lydia, why don't you go and do something for yourself and leave us old fellows to talk. I'm quite certain that we shall bore you to tears with our stuffy old stories. Eh, Mac Bac? MAC BAC Indeed. Old times become very close when one approaches the fading of the light. MUSIC SCENE 6. AMB HUSHED CROWD SOUND QUICK WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS, SHUSH OF DOOR LYDIA [crying] SOUND DOOR SHUSHES SHUT LYDIA Oh, father what will I-- [cuts off with a gasp] ANTHONY Lydia! I'm so sorry I'm late. I didn't hear until Wednesday, and I couldn't get transport. LYDIA You're here? Even after father drove you out? ANTHONY I can't begrudge him his pride. I just hope that he might have forgiven me, at the end. LYDIA I think-- I'm sure he forgot the entire incident. ANTHONY [sad realization] Forgot. Yes. LYDIA He would have forgiven you, though! Father was never a vindictive man. ANTHONY You, at least, know I never meant the play as any kind of insult. LYDIA I - I guess. I never got to see more than that opening. He was so furious. ANTHONY But you - you will forgive me, won't you? I would be mortified if we couldn't get past this. LYDIA I... [small self-deprecating laugh] I can't stay mad at you. And I certainly don't have so many friends that I can throw one away over such a ... trifle. ANTHONY Good. LYDIA And... and from the little I did see-- [trails off] ANTHONY Yes? LYDIA [uncomfortable, blushing] Oh, just that you did a very good - you did the acting very well. ANTHONY [warm] I'm glad you didn't hate it. LYDIA Of course I didn't! Don't tease so! ANTHONY I promise. [beat, changing subject] Well. At least he had some good days, there at the end. [prompting] And you look like things are going a little better. Was that Gamma mu I saw, standing by the casket? LYDIA [pleased but sad] Yes. We were very lucky. Father came into some unexpected money. ANTHONY [way too pleased] I know. LYDIA What? How did you hear? ANTHONY [eager] You really didn't know? LYDIA [horrified realization] You - you paid that Venusian! ANTHONY [barely contained excitement] Oh, you really underestimate me, Lydia. Didn't you believe me when I said I do very well in alien roles? CLOSING
The Demon Beelzebud returns to pester sisters Rena and Matilda. [sequel to Force Majeure] Cast List Beelzebud - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast) Rena - Julie Hoverson Matilda - Kate Waterous Jesse - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Infernique - Julia Carter Willial - Mark Olson Benedict - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Closky - Florida Possum Fat guy - Dave Fontenot Manager - Scott Spaulding Cameo appearance from Super Haunted Stories! Music by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson Cover art includes: clear crystal / red crystal "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a modern family home, can't you tell?" ********************************************** Caveat Emptor Cast: Beelzebud Rena Matilda Jesse Infernique Willial Benedict Mrs. Closky Fat guy Manager OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a family home, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF, IS SLAPPED DOWN JESSE [waking up] maaaargh. SOUND PATTING BED JESSE Huh? [thick] Babe? [clears throat] Babe? [considering noise] Hmmm. SOUND BLANKET FLAPS JESSE What the hell time...? What? [yelling petulantly] Cassie? Who reset the alarm? SOUND STUMBLES INTO OTHER ROOM JESSE Cassie? Where's the laptop? Shit! We've been robbed! SOUND RUSHING AROUND SOUND DOORBELL JESSE Where's the phone? Gotta call police. SOUND DOORBELL JESSE Who the hell? SOUND DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN JESSE This is not a good time. BUD It's the only time you got, pal. JESSE I just got robbed. BUD No, you just got dumped. Read the note on the fridge. JESSE What? SOUND DOOR SLAMS, OUTSIDE WITH BUD BUD [WHISTLES SOMETHING] SOUND DOOR JERKS OPEN AGAIN JESSE [freaking out] Are you a friend of Cassie's? Do you know where she went? BUD Not my area. I just dropped by to give you a bit of a head's up. JESSE Uh-what? BUD I know you're feeling pretty low. Wife walked out, took the kid, and you don't know why-- JESSE We have a good life! BUD Yeah, it's got nothing to do with you moping around the house all day-- JESSE I got laid off. BUD Leaving all the housework for the little woman, so that when she gets home from her full day-- JESSE I have to spend my time looking for work-- BUD A lot of work in World of Warcraft, is there? Or are you considering a career in porn? JESSE None of your business! Besides...they're the only things that make me less depressed-- BUD Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all. So today is your lucky day - kinda. JESSE Kinda? BUD [dragged out, savoring] Ye-a-aah. MUSIC MATILDA It's $200. That's like three tanks of gas. RENA [disgusted sigh] I hate this work. MATILDA One hour plus drive time. Just think of it as gathering intel. RENA I'll think of it as whine tasting. SOUND PICKS UP KEYS, DOOR OPENS MATILDA Have fun! MUSIC SOUND DOORBELL, DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN RENA You called? JESSE Oh, yeah, this guy - he gave me your card. RENA And? JESSE And? RENA I didn't come all this way to stand on your porch, unpaid. MATILDA [mic] Confirmed. JESSE Oh, ah. Come in. SOUND UNCHAINS, OPENS DOOR JESSE Yeah, um, it's kind of a mess. You want a beer or something? RENA 57 minutes. JESSE What? RENA Of your hour. We confirmed your paypal transaction. JESSE Oh, right. My wife – she left me. RENA When? JESSE Oh, just this morning. RENA [disbelieving] Hmph. JESSE She's not much of a housekeeper. RENA I can smell that. JESSE That doesn't mean I don't want her back! SOUND POUNDING ON THE DOOR JESSE [angry sigh] Just a sec. RENA Take your time. MATILDA [mic] Cut the poor guy some slack. SOUND OPENS DOOR MRS. CLOSKY How dare you! JESSE How dare I, what? MRS. CLOSKY Bring a hooker into your house while your wife's away? MATILDA [mic] [laughing hysterically] RENA [low] Not funny. MATILDA [mic] I told you the black leather was wrong for the neighborhood! RENA Tough is tough. JESSE She's not-- MRS. CLOSKY I know just what kind of woman has the bleached blonde hair and the motorcycle. JESSE But Cassie-- MRS. CLOSKY That poor woman gave you two beautiful children, so any weight she's gained, well that's just as much your fault, isn't it? MATILDA [mic] [fresh peals of laughter] RENA I'm gonna turn you off. JESSE But Mrs. Closky! MRS. CLOSKY You're just like my sonofabitch husband, and I just wish I had had someone like me to speak up on my behalf back when he-- SOUND DOOR SHUTS, cutting her off JESSE [sigh] Shit. RENA Sum up quick. I'm already bored. JESSE My wife left me this morning. I want to find out where she went. RENA Did you call her parents? JESSE Her mother won't answer. RENA Did you call her friends? JESSE They're all on her side. RENA Did you check her emails? JESSE I didn't think of that. RENA What have you done? JESSE I ... called you. RENA You understand that first $200 is only for this hour, the one we're currently wasting. JESSE Not for the entire job? RENA Not unless I find her in the next 47 minutes. JESSE [hopeful] Do you think you can? RENA What's her email address? MUSIC SOUND OUTSIDE, WALKING, LEATHER CREAKING MATILDA [mic] She already emailed back. Says he's been a shit since he got laid off. Says she told him she was going to do this, weeks ago, and he didn't even pay attention. RENA Hmph. Makes me want to run out and find one of my own. MATILDA [mic] [laughs] WILLY Uh, hello? RENA Not in a million years. WILLY I was just looking for a - ah! There's the address. SOUND HE HUSTLES OFF RENA Must be a friend of his-- MRS. CLOSKY [off, calling] You! RENA Oh hell. MRS. CLOSKY You, woman! MATILDA [mic] Uh-oh. RENA [sigh] What? MRS. CLOSKY How much do you charge? MATILDA [mic] Tell her you don't do lemon parties. RENA I don't-- [starts over] I am a bounty hunter. MRS. CLOSKY Oh! Well, that's a disappointment. RENA That I'm not a prostitute? MRS. CLOSKY I have a nephew. Unmarried. He could use a little cheering up. And his birthday's coming! MATILDA [mic] [teasing] We are a bit short on cash. RENA I - I have to go. Now. SOUND MOTORCYCLE REVS MUSIC AMB MATILDA'S DEN SOUND DOOR SHUTS (OFF) SOUND RENA ENTERS MATILDA [calling] So, how was the nephew? RENA [muffled] Funny. SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR RENA There wasn't any - oh. MATILDA What? RENA Who pops up out of nowhere on a regular basis? SOUND OPENS DOOR BUD Hiya doll! [louder] Dolls! RENA [to M] You okay with having him in? MATILDA Yeah, I guess. BUD Make a guy feel wanted, why dontcha? MATILDA We forgot to vacuum! RENA We're antisocial. BUD And here I thought it was just me. RENA You forgot to vacuum too? MATILDA Get over here, where I can see you! SOUND WALKING RENA Matilda. Bud. SOUND SHE FLOPS INTO CHAIR MATILDA You do look like Steve Buscemi. BUD I'm gonna take that as a compliment. You don't got no more places to sit? RENA One butt, one chair. Part of the recluse mystique. MATILDA There's a stool around somewhere... BUD eh. I can stand. Don't plan to be here that long. See, I gotta problem. MATILDA Another one? RENA We get $200 for the first hour. BUD Here. SOUND SLAPS DOWN MONEY BUD You know, I never woulda mistaken you for a prostitute. RENA Good to know. BUD Dominatrix, maybe. RENA [losing it] It's motorcycle gear! Not some kind of leather teddy and thigh high boots-- MATILDA [taunting] With stiletto heels? RENA Not helping! And those things'll break your ankles. [breath, recomposed] Clock starts now. What's your problem? BUD You girls are a hoot. You should take it on the road. MATILDA No thanks. RENA Tick...tock. BUD Fine. [sigh] You'd think the life of a demon like me would be a piece of cake. MATILDA From what you've said, you seem to have it all down to a system. BUD Yeah, well any well oiled machine can go Pfft - if you stick in the wrong cog. RENA What have you been sticking in your cogs? BUD [snicker] It's Infernique. MATILDA Sounds like a perfume. BUD The demon chick you fixed me up with. RENA Nuh-uh. No fixing. Just tricked her into giving in and going out with you. Once. Whatever happened after - not my fault. MATILDA Well, maybe just a little. BUD She's convinced she gotta class me up. RENA Class? You? BUD You don't need to make it sounds like such a joke, babe. MATILDA I wondered about the suit. Seemed awfully-- RENA Tasteful? MATILDA Restrained. I mean, the descriptions - you have such ... flair! [undertone] help me out here. RENA No. BUD Yeah, yeah, so I like the classics. This sharkskin still got its own kind of flash, but she's killing me with the pastels. [confidential] You know they come from the pit of despair? MATILDA Pastels? BUD Yeah. Not a pretty story. [up a bit] Anyway, I'm not so good at saying "no" to her, and she's been trying to get me to trade up. Better department. Better class of victim. MATILDA What will the comedians do without you? BUD Yeah, that's what I say, but there's always someone willing to take most any place, but my place is one of those ain't no one gonna fight over, see? RENA Nope. BUD This guy, Jesse - I gave him your card this morning - ring a bell? RENA The douche who didn't realize his wife was about to walk? BUD Yeah, well - that's what Infernique wants me for my new clientele. MATILDA The recently abandoned? The thoughtless husbands? RENA The douches? Plenty of them. You can have 'em. BUD Yeah, but she's got me sneaking around behind the back of Willy, the guy whose job it is now, undermining his numbers. Trying to make him look bad. Getting the douches to not sign. MATILDA All's fair in love and hell? BUD I dunno - I ain't liking this. RENA Talking people out of selling their souls? How abominable. BUD Nah, it's the backstabbing. Willy's - well not "good people" maybe, but he ain't a bad guy. Kind of a plodder. No inspiration. But he's got a sweet berth and he's ...competent. MATILDA You'll really miss the comedians, won't you? BUD [sighing admission] Yeah. RENA Easy. Tell her you don't want to change. BUD Why don't you just point me at a good doctor, then, for when she rips me a new asshole. RENA Guess you're screwed. MATILDA Waitaminute. Look. the way I see it, you have two choices here. You can go ahead and be perfect, toe the line, do what she wants and be with her until she finds someone more ambitious-- RENA Won't be hard. MATILDA Shush. Or you find a way to slack off and subtly let her know that you aren't going to turn into a silk purse any time soon, and let her dump you. RENA Talk to that guy from this morning. I'm sure he can give you some pointers. MATILDA The big question is, is she worth it? BUD You know... You said a mouthful right there. I think some deep pondering is in order. Thanx! RENA You still have a few minutes left. BUD Ehh - Keep it! All us classy types tip! MUSIC RENA [snoring] SOUND PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED RENA [groggy] Hello? [a bit better] Hello? SOUND STRANGE BUZZ ON THE LINE RENA Shit. SOUND HANGS UP SOUND GRABBING CLOTHES, GUN SOUND EASES OPEN DOOR RENA [deliberately calms her breathing to listen] SOUND MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY FROM MATILDA'S ROOM RENA [whispered] Shit. SOUND QUICK DASH SHUTS MAT's DOOR, MUSIC'S MUFFLED RENA [calming her breathing again] SOUND CREAK, ACROSS ROOM RENA [catch in her breathing, then careful] SOUND ANOTHER CREAK, ACROSS THE ROOM SOUND RENA CAREFULLY TAKES THE REMOTE SOUND CLICK, TV COMES ON, ACROSS ROOM BENEDICT [gasp] SOUND QUICK SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT RENA [now behind him] You're gonna want to drop that. SOUND CLICK OF HER GUN CoCKED BENEDICT You don't know what you're doing. SOUND CLICK - TV OFF RENA I'm the one with the gun. And the remote. Whatever you got in your hand, drop it. SOUND SOMETHING CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR. SOUND MAT'S DOOR FLUNG OPEN MATILDA Hold it right there! RENA [up] Got 'im. [to him] Hands behind your back. BENEDICT [annoyed] Really? RENA Really. MATILDA Sorry I took so long. Couldn't find the night vision goggles. BENEDICT [sigh] Fine. SOUND HANDCUFFS ON BENEDICT IS this really necessary? RENA You're the one who broke in. MATILDA I'll get the lights. RENA Goggles off. MATILDA I know! SOUND GOGGLES OFF, LIGHT SWITCH MATILDA Ooh! He's smoking hot! Can we keep him? BENEDICT Let me explain. RENA Not much chance of that. Mat, 9-1-1, okay? MATILDA [playing it up] New where did I leave the phone? BENEDICT [blurted out] Where are you keeping the demon? RENA [surprised snort] MATILDA [giggles] Wow, dramatic much? RENA There's a doghouse out back… MATILDA [fresh peal of laughter] BENEDICT This is no joke, lady. Harboring a demonic fugitive is very serious. RENA [growling now] “A” – harboring? Not a chance. “B” - fugitive? BENEDICT Beelzebud, lower echelon romalpa class signatory demon. He stands accused of contractual misconduct. RENA Let me guess – that's bad. BENEDICT It's a termination-class penalty. MATILDA Oh, shit! RENA Tell us more. BENEDICT No. MATILDA Oh, come on. You hunt demons. Do you make a good living at that? BENEDICT [bursts out laughing] RENA Guess that's a no. BENEDICT It's a calling, not a job. RENA So... you're a demon too. BENEDICT I'm not telling you anything. RENA You broke into our house. Convince us that we shouldn't call the real-life police. BENEDICT I wasn't going to do anything to you - just put this crystal somewhere-- RENA This thing? BENEDICT Yeah. It's a--[shuts up] MATILDA Might as well finish the sentence. [beat] How about strip guesses? BENEDICT What? RENA If she guesses and she's wrong, you lose a piece of clothing. BENEDICT Are you insane? RENA We don't get a lot of hot male visitors. MATILDA And you woke us up in the middle of the damn night. Is it a tracking device? BENEDICT No. MATILDA Camo coat. BENEDICT Can't take it off over the handcuffs. MATILDA Oh, bummer. Pants, then. BENEDICT [panicking a little] It's a simple listening device - like a mystic "bug" Ok? RENA Guess he wins. Sorry Mat. MUSIC AMB COMEDY CLUB [HEARD FROM BACKSTAGE] FAT GUY [punchline to a joke] Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom. SOUND SCATTERED LAUGHTER, NOT MUCH FAT GUY and... Good night! SOUND RUNS IN MANAGER That could have been better. FAT GUY [grumpy] Open mike, read it and weep. BUD Psst. FAT GUY What do you want? BUD I like what you did up there. FAT GUY [knowing] I know who you are. BUD You... do? FAT GUY Yeah, I was warned there's a guy going around with bogus contracts. Screw off. BUD I don't know nothing from bogus. I'm as legit as they come-- FAT GUY [squealing] You want me to call the cops? Jeez! SOUND STOMPS OFF BUD [muttering, furious] Bogus contracts, eh? SOUND HE GOES OUT INTO ALLEY. DOOR SHUTS BUD [furious - cussing in latin] Mater tua caligas gerit! RENA You kiss someone's mother with that mouth? BUD [affable again] You know latin, doll? RENA [shrug] I know cussing. BUD [chuckles] RENA Matilda wanted me to warn you. Someone's on your tail. SOUND MOTORCYCLE REVS, OFF RENA And... He probably followed me here. BUD [not real disturbed] Yikes. RENA I thought I left you in handcuffs. BENEDICT Your sister took pity on me. MATILDA [mic] He's not such a bad guy. BUD All right occifier. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. RENA Don't joke. BENEDICT You might step out of the way, ma'am. RENA [to Bud] You need some help? BUD Why? RENA I don't know. I just thought I'd ask. BUD I'm touched. Oddly. [beat] Nope. It ain't gonna be pleasant, but ain't nothing to be done about that. See you soon, doll. SOUND COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, WEIRD WHOOSHING NOISE MATILDA [mic] Well... I'll miss him. RENA Yeah. [sigh, beat] Donuts? SOUND SHE WALKS BACK TO MOTORCYCLE SOUND PHONE RINGS RENA Hmm? SOUND BEEP RENA [wondering] Who the hell? SOUND TURNS ON RENA What? JESSE [phone] Are you doing anything at all? MATILDA [mic] Who's that? RENA Found her. Job done. JESSE [phone] She's not back! RENA Yeah. Sucks. She's still pissed off. MATILDA [mic] Oh, him. What does he expect, that you'll ride in with his wife over your shoulder, kicking and screaming? RENA I'm not draggin her home by her hair. JESSE [phone] Then what are you doing? RENA I told her to email you a list of demands. Have you checked your email? JESSE [phone] I can't! The bitch cut off my internet! RENA [sotto voce] Boo-hoo. [up] Hold on. I'm transferring him to you, Matilda. I am not playing phone relay for— SOUND HUGE SPOOOKY WHOOOSHY SOUND SOUND BODY FLUNG INTO WALL RENA Ungh! SOUND PHONE SKITTERS AWAY SOUND THINGS GO WEIRD AND HOLLOW MATILDA [mic] [fading into odd tunnel] Rena? Rena!!!! Rena!!!! MUSIC AMB MATILDA'S LAIR MATILDA [panicking] Rena? [deep shaky breath] Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Maybe it's the cell tower. Maybe it's-- Maybe its demons. Oh shit. INFERNIQUE Shit is right! MATILDA [almost a scream] Who the fuck are you? INFERNIQUE Where is my BUD? [spooky] What have you done with him? MATILDA [trying hard to stay calm, but kind of losing] Bud? I don't know! We-we didn't do anything! [almost a scream] Where's my sister? INFERNIQUE That's what I want to know! When I tried to triangulate on her, I got NOTHING. MATILDA Triangulate? INFERNIQUE Anyone who deals with us has a sort of trace on them ...evermore. Until they pass beyond. Is she dead? MATILDA [whine] Nooo? INFERNIQUE If she isn't then she's passed out of this realm. She never said she could DO that! MATILDA I'm just going to faint now. I hope you don't mind... RENA [on speaker, weak] Mat? MATILDA [gasp] INFERNIQUE What? MATILDA [thinking hard] I-I can't find a good place to fall down. INFERNIQUE She's on your headset? MATILDA She was, just for a moment. INFERNIQUE [satisfied] hah. There. Yes. She must be in the outer fringe. Guess we won't be seeing her again. MATILDA [sobbing gasp] MUSIC AMB ECHOEY DUNGEON BUD Babe? RENA [waking] What? Oh, crap. Am I dead? Cuz having to listen to you forever is kind of like my vision of hell. BUD Yeah, she's okay. RENA [weak] Matilda? BUD Back home where she belongs. RENA [sigh of relief] Not hell, then. SOUND CHAINS RENA What's with the— SOUND CHAINS RENA Shit. BUD Yeah, that. I guess I-uh kinda underestimated Willy-boy. RENA Is that that demon hunter? BUD [snort of laughter] Oh, him. Nah. That was all part of Willy's plan to get me off his case. RENA oh. The demon you were undermining. BUD Bingo! I love a bright dame. RENA And now he's got us both chained up in a dungeon? Great. WILLY [demonic sounding] Just what I was thinking! Muhahahahahahaha [evil laugh] RENA [undertone, to herself] Be vewwy vewwy quiet. [up] Wow. This is a swell party. WILLY You're only here because I'm curious what would make a mortal... collaborate with such a filthy maggot as Beelzebud. RENA You make it sound a lot more fun than it is. BUD Hey, hey! Willy, old boy-- WILLY [demon] You will call me Willial [will-LIE-ul]! [back normal] Don't think I don't know what you've been up to, behind my back, Beelzebud! BUD ahhh. A few short circuits. It's all in fun. Plus you got me back, but good - setting a popper on me. RENA [half a snort] Popper? BUD The hunter - [offhand] you know, you led him to me. RENA Yeah. Sorry bout that. WILLY I'm surprised to see you still up and around, Bud. BUD Believe it or not, I'm clean. RENA It's not like he just up and decided he wanted your crappy job, Willy. BUD [quiet] I really prefer my own crappy job. WILLY You should have kept your hands off my beeswax, then! RENA Oy vay. [quiet, to Bud] Can this guy actually do anything? To me, I mean? BUD [evasive] Not legitimately. RENA [up] Then maybe you'll back the fuck out of my face, elmer fudd, and let me go. BUD On the other hand he's already more or less kidmapped you, so who knows what else he's willing to do. RENA Shit. BUD Yeah, like anything a stupid mortal chick says is going to piss Willial off more than I already have. Hah! WILLY [suspicious] You're up to something. RENA Nah, just mouthing off. [whisper] Keep him talking. BUD So, Willy - Ooh! [snide] You kidnapped a human, what's the next step? Custodial interference? Stealing candy from a baby? WILLY I-I'm not sure. I mean, I haven't decided yet what all to do with you. For now, I'll let you stew. SOUND DOOR SLAMS RENA [sigh] Nice try. BUD [not quite lying] Try? RENA Yeah, whatever. BUD [beat] If we had cards, I play a mean Canasta. RENA Takes two decks. SOUND TAPPING FINGERS, WAITING SOUND DISTANT COMMOTION BUD Finally. Beez. Thought they'd never get here. RENA [surprised] You were expecting someone? BUD Waitaminute, you were? Oh, boy - this could be a serious case of overkill.... SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN RENA You ain't just whistling dixie. BENEDICT [breathing hard from exertion] Ok, this is not what I was expecting. RENA You got something for chains? BUD Uh, we might wanna wait-- RENA [suspicious] Why? INFERNIQUE [distant demony scream] Beelzebud! BUD Yeah. That. RENA Demon hunter - you, guy. BENDICT Benedict. RENA Right, like Shakespeare. I'm bad with names. BENDICT Let me get those chains-- RENA Quick! What's the penalty for illegal imprisonment of a human? INFERNIQUE [a little closer] Where is he? BUD It ain't much. He didn't hurt you or nothing. RENA Well? BENEDICT Something like a hundred years of hemorrhoids. I don't actually sentence-- RENA Wanna stick him with something worse? BUD [speculative] I like where this is going. BENEDICT I ...don't. MUSIC INFERNIQUE [roaring up] What did you do with him? WILLY You are in my domain, succubus! INFERNIQUE Insults? How dare you! BUD [off, pathetic] Ohhhhhh.... INFERNIQUE Out of my way! WILLY [surprised] What the hell? BUD [off, weak] Is that you, baby snakes? SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN WILLY [bewildred] But I didn't-- INFERNIQUE [incensed] Chained? BUD Oh, babe. I'm so glad to see you. Willy there whupped my fanny, but good. WILLY I-I-- RENA I think the popper is concussed. INFERNIQUE [amazed] Popper? WILLY [an octave higher] Popper? BUD You're gonna get us out of these, aren't you sweetie? RENA Wake up, dude! SOUND GENTLE SLAPPING TO TRY AND ROUSE HIM INFERNIQUE [speculative] You... chained a popper? WILLY I-I- He-- they-- INFERNIQUE Just nod your head, handsome. RENA [quiet] I'm hunting wabbits. BENEDICT [smothered snort of laughter] BUD Come on babe, leave Willy alone. Get me out of here. INFERNIQUE That's Willial, you little weasel. [laughs contemptuously] I think it's about time to trade up. WILLY I- uh- I- uh-- INFERNIQUE [very hot] There's nothing sexier than a tongue-tied demon. RENA [trying to sound upset but not getting it] After all Bud has done for you! BUD [grovelling] You can't just leave us here! INFERNIQUE Willy will let you go when he's good and ready, won't you? WILLY [frantic] Uh, Beelzebud? BUD Fine! Keep your job! Take my woman! You have everything! [big mock sob] SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT MUSIC SOUND MATILDA'S DEN SOUND WHOOSH OF ARRIVAL BENEDICT I honestly don't know which of you was worse, back there. RENA Emoting is not in my skill set. BUD Tell me about it. MATILDA You're back! RENA Yeah, it's all okay. MATILDA I thought-- RENA [strangely gentle] You know I always promised if I die I'd come right back and haunt you. MATILDA [sob of relief] BENEDICT Can we--? RENA Fuck off, will you guys? BUD I got this. SOUND WHOOSH MATILDA I was [hiccupy sob] I was so-- RENA I'm here. You're not alone. Maybe I should get that Benedict guy back - he owes us a pair of pants. MATILDA [laughs and cries] SOUND PHONE RINGS RENA Voice mail? MATILDA [much calmer] Voice mail. Yeah. JESSE [on voice mail] What did you do to my wife? All of a sudden she's laying down the law and saying she won't put up with me unless I toe the line! Man! She's even talking about us writing up some kind of contract! Are you even listening? SOUND BEEP END
What can it mean when a man knows the exact date and time he's going to die? And what does THAT mean to the people he hires to save him? Cast List Rena - Julie Hoverson Matilda - Kate Waterous Fred Quarry - Carl Cubbedge "Bud" - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast) Infernique - Julia Belyea Ma - Angela Kirby Music by: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a bar parking lot, can't you tell?" ************************************************ FORCE MAJEURE Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Rena Matilda Fred Quarry, fat male comedian Beelzebud Infernique Ma OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a parking lot of a low life honky tonk, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND DISTANT TRAFFIC, MUFFLED VERY LOUD MUSIC SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, MUSIC GETS LOUDER, SOUND OF A FIGHT SOUND DOOR SLAMS, FOOTSTEPS SET OUT ACROSS PARKING LOT SOUND DOOR QUICKLY OPENS AND SHUTS, SECOND PAIR OF FEET SCUTTLE AFTER FIRST QUARRY [coming on] Come on! I'm sorry about that! I really needed to know if you're as good as you're hyped up to be. RENA [Snort] QUARRY I - I need some help here! there's no place else I can turn. RENA [low uninflected growl] Bite me. SOUND DOOT_DOOT OF CAR DOOR REMOTE SOUND QUARRY'S FEET STOP QUARRY I - I'm about to be murdered. SOUND RENA'S FOOTSTEPS HESITATE JUST A SECOND, THEN CONTINUE. SOUND CAR DOOR YANKED OPEN SOUND QUARRY'S FEET NERVOUSLY DASH FORWARD QUARRY No one will take me seriously - my agent, my wife. Certainly not the police. RENA [quiet] Big surprise. SOUND THE CAR SQUEAKS AS SHE CLIMBS IN. QUARRY [beginning to squeal] I'm desperate here! Can't you just listen? SOUND DOOR SLAMS QUARRY [squeaks as the door almost catches him] SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER QUARRY I've got money! If this isn't enough, I'll write you a bigger one! Whatever you want! SOUND CHECK SLAPPED FLAT AGAINST THE WINDOW SOUND INSIDE THE CAR, NO NIGHT NOISES. QUARRY'S VOICE IS VERY MUTED QUARRY Anything! RENA [sighs] SOUND BUTTON PUSHED, WINDOW COMES DOWN, PAPER SNATCHED RENA Get in. SOUND THE DOOR LOCKS CLICK. MUSIC JAZZ, UP AND THEN UNDER AS IT PLAYS ON THE CAR STEREO. SOUND STARTS DRIVING AS THEY TALK RENA What if this guy that's got you wee-ing yourself gets you while I'm out looking for him? QUARRY He's...he's not gonna kill me 'til Saturday. RENA He sent an itinerary? QUARRY [very evasive] It was all in the note. RENA [skeptical] But you believe him? QUARRY Where are we going? RENA We're just going. [beat] Why's he after you? QUARRY Why? I mean why does anyone do something wacko? He probably just wants to be famous. RENA And killing you would make him famous. QUARRY [duh] Well, yeah. RENA Why? QUARRY Don't you - you don't... know who I am? I'm Fred Quarry! I told you that back in the bar. RENA I was a little busy fighting off your thug. QUARRY The Fred Quarry - you know, with the sitcom, and the late night talk show? RENA I don't watch much. QUARRY I was on the cover of T.V. Guide twice last year - don'tcha shop at supermarkets? RENA [still flat] Oh, THAT Fred Quarry. QUARRY That's what I've been saying. I'm famous. Even you must have heard someone say- [catchphrase>] "No! Reeeeally?" RENA No. Really. MUSIC SOUND COMPUTER NOISES [MAT] CLEANING A GUN [RENA] MATILDA You buy it? RENA He's hiding something. MATILDA Most people are. RENA Not me. MATILDA But you're a robot. [beat] Oh, come on. RENA It wasn't funny when when we were kids, and it's not funny now. MATILDA [sigh] Fine. What now? RENA You find anything on Quarry? MATILDA He's actually pretty clean, for a hollywood bigshot. Meteoric rise to fame, starring roles, gonna be roasted on comedy central. RENA If this guy doesn't roast him first. SOUND SLAPS THE SLIDE BACK INTO THE GUN MUSIC AMB CAFE QUARRY Nothing? RENA Nothing. Your guy's in the wind. Invisible. QUARRY [dreadful revelation] Of course... RENA What? QUARRY He... well... [gasp, then panicking] Oh crap! Oh CRAP! SOUND TRYING TO SQUEEZE OUT OF THE BOOTH AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES RENA What's up? QUARRY He said not until Saturday!!! RENA [calm and dangerous] He won't do anything here. QUARRY You don't know that! Shit shit SHIT shit shit. RENA I won't let anything happen - we have an agreement-- QUARRY [squeals] SOUND HE FALLS OUT ONTO THE FLOOR SOUND FEET WALK UP AND STOP RENA Are you supposed to be someone famous too? Or just a goomba hit man? BUD [affable] What could my pal here be telling you? He's a little sensitive, ya know? A little... over-imaginative. All good entertainers are. [dangerous] Arentcha? QUARRY [mumbled] Go away. BUD [tsks] You're just undignified on the floor like that. SOUND CHAIR PULLS UP, BUD SITS BUD Want a hand? QUARRY [squeal] SOUND TRYING TO SCUTTLE AWAY RENA What are your plans? BUD Plans? Just breakfast here with friends. SOUND MENU FLAPS BUD [pretending to read] What's good here? RENA For Fred. BUD Him? They gotta low-cal menu? RENA I mean-- BUD [exasperated sigh] Look sweetheart, drop this. Whatever Fred here's told you, it ain't like that at all. [serious] This ain't a game you can win. QUARRY [whining] You said Saturday. You shouldn't be here. RENA What is it, then? BUD [chuckles] Ask your boy about his contract. QUARRY [high whine] MUSIC MATILDA And then he just left? RENA Yup. But he dropped this. SOUND SLAP OF PLASTIC CARD ON TABLE MATILDA Oh, please - how transparent. Either he's an idiot or he's setting up a meet. RENA Too early to tell. MATILDA [musing] But he didn't deny anything. Hmm. Did I get everything on the description? SOUND COMPUTER KEYS MATILDA [reading] 5'6, narrow face, dark hair - slightly receding, crooked teeth, wiry, but looks tough? RENA Yup. MATILDA Looks something like this? RENA [leans in] Yeah. Not the guy, but that same kind of look. MATILDA Great. So we're hunting Steve Buscemi in a pale green leisure suit. MUSIC SOUND HOTEL KEY CARD, DOOR OPENS SURREPTITIOUSLY SOUND QUIET FOOTSTEPS SOUND LIGHT SWITCH BUD Hiya. RENA [disgusted noise, then resigned] My sister says-- BUD [chuckles] Yeah? Well, I ain't an idiot. C'mon in. RENA [disturbed, suspicious] Yeah. SOUND DOOR SHUTS BUD You wanna drink? The mini-bar ain't world class, but... it's on me. RENA I wouldn't drink anything "on you." BUD [ouch noise] Brass tacks, then. You want to know why you should drop whiny boy's case? Try this. SOUND FLIPS OUT BUSINESS CARD RENA "Beelzebud - Recruitment - F-M-C"? SOUND FLASH FLAME RENA [gasps, blows on fingers] Beelze-what? BUD Just call me Bud. I hate being mistaken for that other guy. It's not like I'm Joe Estevez. [beat] Frank Stallone? RENA [she's not getting the joke] Nice card. Flashpaper? BUD [disgusted sigh] All right-- [voice begins to change] How plain do I have to make this? Tell your sister [raises his voice] or is she listening right now? RENA [gasp] MATILDA [filter, quiet] What the--? BUD [still raised] Get on the internet and look up demons. [voice very demonic] There's a particularly good Web site at www dot legion dot H-E-L, but I'm not sure you can access it. [coming back to normal] It ain't exactly ... user friendly. And god knows it ain't Vista compatible. RENA [flat, unbelieving] You're a demon? BUD [sigh] Whaddaya want, horns? That's such a drag - always having to fix my hair again once I get done showing off. RENA Yeah, that's a lot of grease to reapply. BUD [long intake of breath, then sucks his teeth] I like you. You don't scare. [beat] You guess my interest in Freddy boy yet? How bout you phone a friend - eh, sis? MATILDA [filter, getting it] A contract. RENA A contract...? BUD Bingo. I held up my end, and now he wants to welsh. So who's really in the wrong? 'Sides, there's nothing you can do - I get his life. One way or another, Quarry's gonna die. He might slip in the shower, choke on a herringbone, or have a turtle drop out of the freakin' sky on his head - but he will die. I don't even gotta be there. MUSIC SOUND POUNDING ON A DOOR QUARRY [squeak] SOUND CHAIN LOCK OFF, STARTS TO OPEN DOOR, BUT IT SLAMS OPEN ON HIM QUARRY [Starts to scream, is muffled] SOUND DOOR SLAMS SOUND BODY UP AGAINST WALL RENA I believe this is yours. SOUND BUNCH OF PAPER FLIPPED OUT ALL OVER FLOOR QUARRY [squinched up] You said you don't give refunds. RENA I'm making an exception. You're lucky I don't feel like breaking my "I don't beat the crap out of my employers" rule, too. SOUND CRUMPLING MONEY QUARRY [crying piteously] Look at me - oodles of money, married to a supermodel, top of the world - and it's all ashes. RENA You made your own bed. QUARRY [getting a bit tough] So I don't wanna die - is that so wrong? RENA Everyone dies. QUARRY But me - I'm gonna die day after tomorrow!!! And you won't even help! RENA Does the word "demon" ring a bell? QUARRY Wouldya have believed me? I don't think so. RENA [mocking his catchphrase] No. Reeeeally? MUSIC SOUND DRIVING IN A CAR MATILDA [on filter] Too bad. He is Fred Quarry. RENA I still don't care. He's a weasely little shmuck. MATILDA Too bad you didn't keep the check - once he's dead, that signature'll be worth big bucks. RENA Oh, please. MATILDA I have the soul of a collector. RENA And the taste of a crazy cat lady. MATILDA [huffy] I have never tasted a crazy cat lady in my life. RENA [snort, almost a chuckle] MUSIC SOUND SNORING [rena] SOUND PHONE RINGS SOUND FUMBLING FOR PHONE, PICKS UP RENA [barely awake] What? BUD [filter] Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, eh? RENA Yup. Thanks for calling. SOUND STARTS TO FUMBLE PHONE BACK BUD [filter, getting smaller] Wait-wait-wait! Should I call back after you have some coffee? Lithium? RENA [sigh] Speak. BUD [filter] This ain't exactly something I wanna discuss over the phone. RENA Where? MUSIC SOUND PARK AMB SOUND FEET ON GRAVEL RENA So? BUD Your sister on the line? RENA Yeah. BUD Where? RENA Where what? She's at our office. BUD She always is, isn't she? She don't get out much. I mean where's the mike? RENA Does it matter? BUD I don't like being bugged. RENA I can always leave. BUD No, no. Well, if she's gonna be part of this deeply personal conversation - introduce us, wouldja? RENA Matilda. Bud. Happy? BUD Thrilled. And you? RENA I'm thrilled too. BUD Your name. You know mine. RENA I've already forgotten it. BUD Bud. RENA Rena. You're lucky I'm not charging by the minute. BUD Fine. I gotta trade for ya - I leave your boy sucking air, and you do something for me. RENA He's not my boy. BUD Well.... see if you can get back on the payroll, and take him for as much as you can get. [sigh] I wouldn't even consider any of this but you don't strike me like someone who's gonna laugh me out. MATILDA [filter, quiet] Wow, finally your lack of a sense of humor actually comes in handy. BUD [uncomfortable] See, I ain't had a date in a really long time-- RENA Not interested. SOUND STARTS TO WALK AWAY. MATILDA [filter, quiet] I might be. I loved Fargo. BUD [demonic voice] LISTEN. SOUND FEET STOP BUD No offense to you, sweet cheeks, but dating a human is like having a freaking hamster for a pet. Cute and cuddly, but the relationship has the lifespan of about a week. [lighter] Besides that wheel just gets on your freakin' nerves. [laughs] RENA That "funny". How's that working for you? BUD I'm an acquired taste. So... [long breath] I spotted another demon. A real looker. Last night at a club. Dark hair, sleek body... RENA Do I look like a yenta? BUD [urgent] Find out who she is and get me a date. RENA A... date? BUD Yeah, a date - I don't mean you gotta guarantee "va-va-voom" or nothing, just get her to go out with me. If I can't take it from there, well... that's my problem. RENA And Quarry goes free. BUD Well... Instead of death, I can settle for total ruination. People come back from worse every day. Look at Rob Lowe. Marion Barry? MATILDA I'll call Fred! MUSIC SOUND OUTSIDE, APPROACHING A NIGHTCLUB RENA [musing] Goblin and the Trolls - Delightful. Bad sixties rehash or cheez metal? MATILDA Give me a second. RENA It was rhetorical. MATILDA Cheez. RENA What? MATILDA The band. They sound like Gwar without the bodily fluids. RENA Woo. This better work. How do I turn it on? SOUND BOX OPENS; CHIMEY HUM, MUTED - GETS LOUDER AS SHE GOES THROUGH THE DOOR. MUSIC IS PLAYING MATILDA Dunno - Bud just said that crystal would lead you to-- Oh, jeez. RENA What? SOUND CHIMEY THING GETS LOUDER. MATILDA Feedback. Call when you turn it off. SOUND MATILDA OUT RENA Oh, goody. MUSIC MUSIC MUTES WITH THE SHUTTING OF A DOOR SOUND SINK RUNS, THEN STOPS. SOUND LIPSTICK OPENS. SOUND PAPER TOWELS RENA [very uncomfortable] Hi. INFERNIQUE It's not your color. RENA No, I-- INFERNIQUE Weren't you asking to borrow my lipstick? RENA No, I-- INFERNIQUE Then... [smacks lips] No, I'm not into chicks. RENA No! I-- INFERNIQUE [sigh] What, then? RENA [fumbling, flustered] This is going to sound... well, like something out of junior high school. INFERNIQUE Dissection? RENA I have a sort of a ...friend who wants me to tell you that he thinks you're ... attractive - and he wants me to - he wants to ... ask you out. INFERNIQUE And he's what ... shy? RENA No, he's one of - your kind. He saw you here last night-- INFERNIQUE That iguana in the leisure suit? I don't think so. SOUND BUSINESS CARD SLAPPED ONTO COUNTER RENA Just in case, here's my-- SOUND BODY SLAMMED UP AGAINST WALL RENA [gasp] INFERNIQUE [suddenly intense] Don't try to set me up, bait. I happen to be honest. If you're some kind of half-ass demon-hunter, you can bite me, [demonic whisper] and I don't mean in the nice way. SOUND MUSIC STARTS SOUND BODY SLAMMED BACK INTO WALL INFERNIQUE Gotta go, sweetheart - my boys are on. MUSIC SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT, SMACK TO STEERING WHEEL RENA I hate bitches. SOUND PUNCHING BUTTONS ON A CELLPHONE RENA Especially DEMON bitches. BUD I take it the date's off? SOUND PHONE FALLS TO FLOOR, STILL RINGING RENA [completely surprised] What the crap? How'd you get into my-- BUD "Demon"? RENA Right. That. MATILDA [filter] What's up? Hang up your phone. RENA It's on the floor. Yes, she wouldn't go for it. BUD Figures. Classy deme like that. [sigh] It was worth a try. I owe you something. RENA No thanks. BUD Nonsense. I always pay up. How about a new car or something? RENA Answer some questions. BUD If I can - some things man ain't meant to know. RENA This demon bitch said she's "honest"? BUD So? RENA The way she said it, it seems like it meant something ... more. BUD [trying to decide] Hmm. Yeah, you can know that. Ok, I think your basic problem here is that you're thinking demons are the enemies of god, right? RENA Go on. BUD See, what you're forgetting is that in a big business, the janitors work for the same boss as the executives. Get me? MATILDA [filter] Interesting. RENA No. BUD God made folks able to choose right from wrong. He wants 'em to choose, right, sure, but if wrong ain't enticing, it ain't a fair test. MATILDA [filter] Makes sense. BUD So, you get a bunch of mooks like me running around tempting people. If they're good clean folks who would rather do the right thing, then they just don't take us up on it. Otherwise... MATILDA [filter] Sort of like if chocolate tasted like celery, we'd all be a size 8. RENA Matilda says-- BUD Skip the replay - I can hear her. RENA So, "Honest"? BUD Right, um. We have rules. We don't lie to make a deal - we omit everything under the sun, but can't tell an actual untruth. We can only offer stuff, in return for... stuff. We can't threaten folks - you know, say something like "if you don't sign, we'll kill your dog", y'know? [joking] And it's murder if you pull out the red-hot pokers. MATILDA [filter] So why hasn't he - sorry, why haven't you - tried to tempt us? BUD You're not my type. Uh, no offense - my department is fat male comedians. You may have seen some of my work. MATILDA [filter] Really? Like John Belushi? John Candy? [ghoulish] Fatty Arbuckle? BUD Far be it from me to name names, but let's just say how else would Tommy Boy and Black Sheep both get made? MATILDA [filter] Wow. So what do you... do? BUD Actually, not much. I mean, the way I roll is I don't make talentless gobs into stars - much easier to scout the ones who actually have what it takes but no luck, catch 'em at a low point, and scoop them and their haagen dasz up like sand on the beach. Do a little work - pretty much like any other agent - and reap the rewards. RENA You're a shit. BUD Pretty much like any other agent. RENA Your percentage is a little high. BUD Look, babe. It's my job. It may be a crap job, but I'm good at it. Always in the black. And you don't want to run over on these kinds of projects - the accounting department - whew! I mean, you wanna see bureacracy, go to hell. MATILDA [filter] But you could - decide not to kill Quarry? BUD Well, it seems like a wash now, but yeah - I gotta little discretion. Won't be a gold star on my record, but I stay ahead enough - basically he'd be a small loss, like losing money for a tax writeoff. MUSIC SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER, EATING NOISES SOUND TV, COMPUTER, PLAYS IN BG MATILDA [around food] Hold on, um, here-- SOUND REMOTE CLICKS, T.V. SOUND UP QUARRY [on T.V.] No, Reeeally? SOUND [on T.V.] MUSIC CUTS TO COMMERCIAL, SOUND DOWN RENA He's still an idiot. MATILDA You don't feel sorry for him? At all? RENA Right. Next I can feel sorry for the chain smoker who's going through cancer and the gangbanger who gets caught in a drive by. Let's just help everyone. MATILDA [tsks] SOUND KNOCKING AT THE DOOR RENA Got it. SOUND CREAK OF CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS, LITTLE METAL PEEPHOLE DOOR RENA What? QUARRY [outside] Can we talk? RENA [disgusted sigh, calls over her shoulder] Incoming! SOUND SEVERAL LOCKS UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS QUARRY [coming in] I brought someone to talk to you. Maybe it'll help. MA [old and feeble] Hi. RENA I thought she was a supermodel. QUARRY Huh? MA You're thinking of Divana, his wife. I'm his mother. MATILDA Is that--? [laughs] No, Reeeally? QUARRY [disconcerted] Uh, who's that? RENA My sister. She's a big fan. MA [quiet] Oh. QUARRY You stay here, ma, and talk to this nice lady, I'll go sign an autograph or something. MA Um. [quietly] So, you're a friend of Fred's? RENA No. MA Oh, uh - Fred's such a nice boy. He paid off my mortgage. RENA Good for you. MA And he even bought me a new hip. You should really help with whatever-- MATILDA [from off] Oh my god! Is that Mamma Farnaby? Bring her on over! MA [losing the cutesy old lady] Oh, Crap. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, KICKING A BAG ASIDE RENA You know her? QUARRY [mumbled] She's my... mom. MATILDA She plays his mother on the show. MA I tried. MATILDA Come on over, I gotta get your autograph too! MUSIC SOUND CAR DOOR CLOSES, KEYS INTO IGNITION RENA [talking to Mat] Yes, I got them. Um-hmm, The frosted kind, not the glazed-- INFERNIQUE [pointed sigh] RENA Oh, I should have mentioned the black-eyed bitch in the back seat. Why are you here? INFERNIQUE To make a deal. RENA How'd you find me? INFERIQUE You left me your card. RENA Funny how that connects up to catching me in the car at the grocery store. INFERNIQUE I'm here to make a deal. A one time offer. RENA Deal? INFERNIQUE I will go to [disgusted] karaoke, or miniature golf, or whatever appeals to your... [slur] friend. But you have to do something for me. RENA I'm listening? INFERNIQUE I've run a bit over budget for my "current project". You do understand what I'm talking about? RENA I've got the basics. Hell. Bureaucracy. Budgets. INFERNIQUE Good. My current client is the "singer" for that ...band. RENA I'm sorry. INFERNIQUE And I need someone to kill him. RENA [beat, but still even] Isn't that... cheating? INFERNIQUE Don't ask. Don't tell. MUSIC SOUND LOCKS UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS [laughter] SOUND TV PAUSES RENA [coming in] They only had a dozen-- oh. MATILDA [off] There won't be enough to go around. QUARRY [off] What'dja bring? MA [off] I'm off grains anyway. SOUND FEET RENA I take it you weren't on the cans the whole time I was gone? MATILDA [sharp] What? You said you got the frosted ones, then hung up. RENA Shit. Get your ears on. I'll step outside. QUARRY [eager] We could - you know - leave. MA I do have a rolfing session at 5. MATILDA Oh, all right. Come back sometime, ya hear? SOUND FOOTSTEPS MATILDA [calling] Bye! Thanx again for hanging out! MA Bye, dear. MATILDA Give me one, willya? RENA [beat] She means you. QUARRY Right. [deep breath, then in character] No, Reeeaally? MATILDA [laughs delightedly] Yay! SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BUT PEEPHOLE DOOR OPENS RENA [talking loudly] It was that demon chick. MATILDA [both quiet and on filter] You don't have to yell. RENA She said if I killed her "client", she would get Bud to let Quarrie off. MATILDA You shouldn't-- RENA Yeah, that singer with the band. I just don't think I can do that. Even for ten times the money. I'm just... not a killer. MATILDA [quiet] But you are a conniving bitch. RENA I guess I can think about it, but your pal's time is nearly up. [overly dramatic sigh] MATILDA How will you get him there? RENA I suppose it can't hurt to go and see the band tonight. See what the vic's like. MATILDA [chuckles evilly] I suppose it can't. SOUND A MOMENT, THEN LITTLE METAL DOOR SHUTS RENA Did he give you a new check? MUSIC AMB BACK ALLEY INFERNIQUE Goblin's not dead yet. RENA [gasp, slightly irritated] You really need to stop doing that. INFERNIQUE It's part of my charm. Ask your little "friend." RENA You said that as long as Goblin's dead by midnight, you'll-- INFERNIQUE Must I say it again? "go out with that... fellow." RENA Bud. INFERNIQUE [as if it's offal] Bud. RENA Right. Thanks. INFERNIQUE See you later. [slowly sounding demonic] Don't jerk me around. You wouldn't like to see me angry. RENA [unruffled] Yeah. Betcha get ugly. I'll be inside. SOUND STEPS, DOOR OPENS BUD Was that wise? RENA Promising a dead goblin? BUD Uh, no - pissing her off. [avid] Not that she ain't seriously hot when she lets the red out, but-- RENA It's fine. And you'll be in the black. MATILDA [on radio] Though I'll bet he'd rather be "in the red" ... at least if she's steamy enough... BUD Hah! You gotta dirty mind, babe. RENA Darn. And all I got was looks. SOUND 3 GUN SHOTS BUD What the--? RENA Hold on. [waits a second] BUD [whispered] I don't hear nothing. RENA Ok. He's coming. BUD What? RENA Had to make sure there weren't any more. BUD What--? SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN QUARRY [under his breath] Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! RENA Over here. QUARRY What? BUD [realizing] Oh? Oh! That's beautiful! QUARRY I gotta get out of here! RENA No. QUARRY What? RENA Do you have your story? QUARRY Story? RENA Play the crazy card. QUARRY Crazy - Look, ask him-- no, I'll ask him-- [yelling off] Am I out? I mean, are we square? BUD [smug] We'll know in just a sec, won't we? RENA Fred, focus. Crazy talk. QUARRY Why? RENA You're gonna get caught. QUARRY No! I mean - why? BUD She's right. About a surprising lot of things, Freddy babe. You can't walk away free and clear, but-- INFERNIQUE He's dead. [mock sympathy] Before you could even get in there. Too bad about that. QUARRY [long squeal] Noooo! BUD Ah, crap. RENA [calm] I never said I was going to kill him. INFERNIQUE You-- RENA I specified "as long as he's dead by midnight--" and you agreed. MATILDA [on radio] You want a playback on that? For your records, maybe? INDERNIQUE Blast you! BUD You can blast me, babe. But... you know you gotta come through. For her. INFERNIQUE [long hissing breath as she decides] Fine! But you may just rue this day later. BUD Freddy there will. QUARRY I'm just tickled there is a later. BUD Oh, yeah. You're clear. [to Inf] Shall we? I know this cute little place where they make the best lobster calzone. Mwa! [to Fred] Make sure your check doesn't bounce. Those chicks'll fuck you up. RENA Yup. QUARRY Cash it quick. RENA Now for the crazy talk. MUSIC TV NEWS --Remanded for psychiatric evaluation after he broke down on the stand and claimed that the devil demanded he kill or be killed. MATILDA Tsk. They should be nicer to that poor boy. RENA Why? MATILDA The rest of the news is all politicians and disasters. RENA So? MATILDA He's a rarity. RENA A celebrity criminal? MATILDA Someone actually telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. RENA [almost a chuckle] CLOSER
Our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/19Nocturne?fan_landing=true What do you do when you walk into your living room and find a demon? And he claims his name is Bob? "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment hallway, can't you tell?" Cast List Sherry - Angela Kirby Bob Johnson - Gene Thorkildsen Bob Johnston - Henry Mark Carmelita - Kristina Yuen Goat - himself Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) and Zlata Dzardanova Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock ************************************************ THE WRONG BOB Cast: Olivia Bob Johnson, neatnik unlucky accountant Bob Johnston, womanizing creep Sherry Miller, nice girl, also an accountant Carmelita, fortuneteller / sorceress OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an apartment house hallway, can't you tell? MUSIC SCHMALTZY, INDETERMINATE TIME PERIOD FADES INTO SHERRY [Whistling, continues until noted] SOUND RATTLE OF KEYS, KEY INTO LOCK, KEY TURNS SOUND DOOR OPENS. A COUPLE FOOTSTEPS. RATTLE OF PAPER GROCERY BAG. SHERRY [Whistle ends, grunt of effort] SOUND DOOR SHUTS, LOCK CLICKS. FOOTSTEPS TURN-- BOB [Deep, scary demon voice] SHERRY! SHERRY [Screams!] SOUND PAPER GROCERY BAG FALLS TO FLOOR. SOMETHING GLASS SMASHES BOB [Deep, scary demon voice, but worried tone] Shh! [then, commanding] BE QUIET! SHERRY [Muffles herself, still squeaking, dissolves into sobs] BOB [Worried tone] It's not what you think. SHERRY I-- What? BOB It's not what you think. SHERRY I walk in to find a demon on my couch, and it's not what I think? BOB I'm not a demon. I ...think. SHERRY [starting to get feisty] Well, the red skin, wings, and-- and hooves! [gasp, then upset] My hardwood! [angry] Huh! Sure woulda fooled me! BOB It's me. Bob. SHERRY [puzzled] Bob... who? A demon named Bob? BOB No. Bob Johnson? Next desk over? SHERRY Anal Bob? I mean..... um.... BOB [sighs heavily] Yes. Bob Johnson. SHERRY How can I be sure? You don't look anything like-- BOB I cleaned your kitchen while I was waiting for you to get home. SHERRY Okay. You're Bob. How did you get in here? BOB [abashed] Your landlord was... surprisingly cooperative. SHERRY [working herself up] Now, two questions before I have to start screaming again-- BOB Oh, please don't--! SHERRY How did this happen? BOB I don't know. SHERRY [Screaming] And why are you in my living room? BOB [cowed] I-- I-- I thought you might be able to help. You're the only person I know who, seems to know about witchcraft and things. SHERRY Witchcraft? Me? BOB Well, you have a tarot card calendar at your desk. SHERRY [sigh] MUSIC SOUND RATTLE OF TEACUPS SHERRY So you just woke up this way? BOB [really down] Yes. SHERRY And you haven't done anything truly terrible, like murder or blasphemy or anything? BOB I...wouldn't...know? I'm not even Catholic! SHERRY But you'd remember if you murdered anyone? BOB [duh] Well, yes. It would probably be in my day planner. SHERRY I really hope you're kidding. SOUND TEA CUP SHATTERS BOB Darn! Stupid claws. SHERRY Don't worry about it. Look, Bob, this is serious. You have to think! BOB I'm baffled. You know me. I don't do -- anything. I read trade journals for accounting, and watch movies about private eyes. SHERRY You use the word "baffled" in conversation. BOB I clean my house. I sometimes build models out of matchsticks. Once - once! - I got drunk and sang Louie, Louie at karaoke. That's-- that's about it. SHERRY Ok, we've got to do something. I'll go to your house-- BOB 345 Canterbury Drive-- SHERRY --and look around, see if there's a gateway to the underworld, or some kind of evil fetish doll or something. Give me your keys. BOB [apologetic] I-- don't have pockets. SHERRY [sigh] BOB But I do have a key hidden in a crack under the windowsill of the third window on the left hand side of the--[fades out] MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS, STEPS SHERRY Bob? BOB [muffled] Over here. SHERRY Oh. Why are you trying to hide? BOB In case anyone came in. SHERRY I'm the only one with a key. BOB I didn't know if you might have a ... guy ... or something. [quickly] Or a girl. [shrug] You know. I don't - just don't know. Sorry SHERRY Bob. I'm not a lesbian, no matter what Fritz in acquisitions says - I just didn't want to go out with him. Way too full of himself. And I don't have a boyfriend. BOB Oh. Sorry. SHERRY Stop apologizing! BOB Did you find anything that might--? SHERRY Nope. But I did pick up your mail. SOUND SLAPS MAIL ON TABLE BOB Um... Could you open it for me? SHERRY What? BOB I can't just leave it sitting there. SHERRY Do what you gotta do. [moving off] I need to eat something, anyway. BOB I took all the expired food out of your fridge and threw it away. SHERRY [from off] [sigh] Thanks. BOB [calling] But I can't open my mail. SHERRY [calling] What? BOB [calling] The claws. That's why I gave up on washing your dishes. SHERRY [off] Aw, jeez. [sigh] Okay, give me time for a sandwich. MUSIC SOUND TEARING SOUND SHERRY [shocked] Bob! BOB MM? What? [gasping, turning redder] Oh, goodness-- that's not mine! SHERRY [half teasing] Like hell it isn't, you perv. BOB It's not - look at the address. [begging] Seriously. SHERRY Bob Johnston, 345 Canterbury Court. Sounds right, though they misspelled-- BOB I'm at Canterbury drive. Not court. And I don't have a T in my name. [agonized] I get this guy's mail all the time. [pause] I should have checked before asking you to open stuff. Sorry. SOUND PAGES TURNING SHERRY Hmm. Always wondered what that was for-- [snapped back to conversation] What was that? BOB This guy. He gets my mail, I get his. I started having anything identity theft-ish sent to a p.o. box, just so it couldn't end up in this joker's hands. SHERRY Does he get a lot of these catalogs? BOB That one's pretty tame. They were amusing at first, but now it's like - it's like I have no spam filter. [breaks down in tears] SHERRY Hey, Bob. C'mon, it isn't that bad. BOB Yes it is. SHERRY That you get the occasional catalog from a sex shop? BOB And packages. There's a whole stack of them in the front hall closet that he hasn't come and picked up yet this month. SHERRY Is that what those were? Packages... Are you sure they're all ... naughty stuff? BOB No, I guess not, but what else would they be? Encyclopedias? I just see his name and toss them into the closet - plus I don't ever order anything. SHERRY Hmm. [musing] Maybe I'll return them to him. A chance to see this creep. BOB [down] Yeah. SHERRY What? BOB Apparently, despite his ... hobbies ... women seem to, well... like him. You'll probably end up liking him too. SHERRY I'm not that easy. Just ask Fritz. MUSIC AMBIANCE LIGHT MUSIC IN BACKGROUND SHERRY [giggles, sounds slightly drunk] and then I fell off the stage! JOHNSTON [soooo smooth] Really? I can't imagine you being so - uncoordinated. You have such grace. SHERRY Me? Ohh! [oh, you!] JOHNSTON I like grace - it's so rare. And grace lasts. Like personality. SHERRY [a little cautious] Oh? JOHNSTON I can't help it - I take the long view on things. Think about what it might be like - you know - if we were still together years from now. SHERRY And what do you see? JOHNSTON Long walks on the beach. Candlelit dinners. Wow - I can - you know, you're just someone I can really talk to. [rueful chuckle] Usually I don't admit how much I like simple things... SOUND PHONE RINGS, KEEPS RINGING UNTIL PICKED UP SHERRY Go ahead. JOHNSTON It can go to voice. SHERRY Nah. I need a moment, anyway. Down the hall? JOHNSTON On the left. SOUND HER FOOTSTEPS GO, THEN SLOW AND STOP SOUND HE PICKS UP PHONE SHERRY Hmm? [stopping to listen] JOHNSTON [slightly off, bright] You got Bob! [exasperated sigh, then angry] Look, you-- [beat] No! I don't care-- [beat] Call them. See if I care! SOUND SLAMS DOWN PHONE SHERRY Hmm! SOUND SHE TIPTOES AWAY SHERRY [going off] Four one hundred, five one hundred, six-- SOUND [beat, then] FLUSH JOHNSTON [muttered, like a curse] Women. SOUND SHERRIE'S FEET, COMING BACK ON SHERRY Wow - I just realized the time! JOHNSTON What, but-- SHERRY Thank you so much for your ... hospitality. JOHNSTON [cajoling] Come on, sweet thing - the night is young! SHERRY But my mother isn't - and she expects me to bring her her medicine. Can't disappoint mom. JOHNSTON No. Of course. Can I - see you again? SHERRY Hmm. I think that can be arranged. SOUND QUICK MWA GOODNIGHT KISS, THEN DOOR OPENS MUSIC SOUND PHONE RINGS BOB Oh, crap. SOUND PHONE RINGS SEVERAL MORE TIMES BOB [undecided] Uhh... Stop! Go away! She's not home! SOUND PHONE STOPS, CLICK BOB [sigh of relief] SOUND MESSAGE COMES ON BOB [gasp of surprise] SHERRY Hi! This is Sherry. Leave a message. BOB [sigh of relief] SOUND BEEP SHERRY [on the phone] Bob! Don't break my phone, just listen. BOB Ok. SHERRY [on the phone] Jeez, I hope you're there. [chuckle] Where else would he be? Right. I'm going to consult an expert. I'm just leaving Bob's place - the other Bob's place - and there's this fortuneteller shop. It's probably all a crock, but it's a place to start. So don't be surprised if I'm not home any time soon. [beat] Oh, and you're gonna owe me whatever I have to pay this fortuneteller chick. BOB I don't have any pockets. SHERRY [on the phone] When you're back. Normal, I mean. Bye! SOUND PHONE HANGS UP, DIAL TONE, THEN OUT BOB [musing] I guess in the long run, any cost benefit analysis would lean in favor of paying whatever it costs to return to normal, since I couldn't really function in my job as I am now... Oh no! Work! SOUND FUMBLES WITH PHONE SOUND BREAKING NOISE BOB Oh-- drat! MUSIC AMB MID-EASTERN MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL SHERRY Hello? SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT HARD, NO BELL CARMELITA One minute. Remain where you are. I must finish my communion with the spirits. SHERRY [muttered] I'll wait for the flush. SOUND SLOW PACING SHERRY [listing things] Palmistry. Hmm. [puzzled] I don't even have that line. Ah well. Maybe-- SOUND A COUPLE MORE STEPS SHERRY Tarot cards. [sigh, muttered] Jeez, Bob. You're such a dork. [quoting jokingly] "The lovers- you will soon fall madly in love" SOUND BEADED CURTAIN SWEPT ASIDE CARMELITA [angry] Nonsense! The lovers is a card of choice! You want love, look to cups! SHERRY [very nervous and startled] I-I was just quoting.... An old commercial. Look, I don't mean to be... snippy or anything, I'm just... I've never done this before. CARMELITA I accept your apology. [slight warning breath, then satisfied sigh] The spirits accept as well. SHERRY [skeptical] Right. CARMELITA Come. Sit. Are you looking for your future or your past? SOUND FEET MOVE TO TABLE SHERRY I'm actually here for a friend... CARMELITA Ah, yes. "Your friend" - is she in some kind of trouble? SHERRY No, no, it's a he-- CARMELITA A lover? SHERRY Oh god no! CARMELITA Hmm. Hold on. Give me your hand. SHERRY Look, why don't I just tell you what's going on--? CARMELITA Shh! SHERRY Fine. Here. CARMELITA Hmm. I see. Hmm. Who does your nails? These are very nice. SHERRY Why are you looking at my manicure rather than my palm? CARMELITA [shrug] It is one way to tell how much help you can afford. See? I am being blunt for you, since you are a non-nonsense woman, I can see that. SHERRY Look, this is silly. I-I'm gonna leave. How much do I owe you? CARMELITA Stop! One card. I will show you one card, and if it does not resonate for you, then you may leave and owe me nothing. SHERRY Fine. Go ahead. CARMELITA Cut the deck. SOUND LARGE CARD DECK, CUT SHERRY There. CARMELITA Again. SOUND LARGE CARD DECK, CUT SHERRY [sigh] Good enough? CARMELITA I have not touched the cards, you see? Turn over that top card. The auger there will stun you. SOUND [beat, then] CARD QUICKLY FLIPPED OVER SHERRY [gasp!] MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS SHERRY What the hell? BOB Sorry. SHERRY You trashed my living room! BOB [apologetic] Apparently demons have anger management issues. I'll pay you back! An Ikea gift card should cover most of it-- SHERRY What the hell got into you? BOB [more and more miserable] I tried to call in sick, and ...broke the phone. That was sort of the last straw. SHERRY [exasperated sigh, then cold] Did you at least get my message? BOB [subdued] Yes. SHERRY [beat] Aren't you curious? BOB I'm... waiting for you to yell at me. SHERRY I'm... I'm done. BOB [worried] Are you sure? SHERRY Let me guess - your mom was pretty - um - rowdy when you screwed up. BOB Um...yes. SHERRY That explains a lot. Look, I went to the fortuneteller-- BOB Can you-- I'm sorry, but, um - can you check in with the office first? [really anxious] Please? I haven't missed a day of work in six and a half years - not since I got bronchial pneumonia that one winter. SHERRY Fine. SOUND CELLPHONE FLIPS OPEN MUSIC AMB MID-EASTERN MUSIC CARMELITA Come to me! Come to me! I need the power! [moans and noises, but no words] I feel it! Yes! SOUND MICROWAVE BEEPS CARMELITA Aha! MUSIC SHERRY Done. BOB Did they say anything? SHERRY Not really. You got plenty of time banked. I told them you were delirious today and that's why you didn't call in. BOB Oh, that's a good one. SHERRY Sit, will you? SOUND HEAVY BODY SITS, FURNITURE CREAKS SHERRY [sigh] This chick, Carmelita - well, I didn't tell her everything. I didn't tell her much, at all, I just couldn't see how! It was ... well-- BOB Too weird? SHERRY Kinda. The weirdest part was she had me pick a card, and it was-- BOB The Devil? SHERRY I thought you didn't know about any of this stuff. BOB It's ... October on your calander. SHERRY [sigh, then matter of fact] Anyway, I said I had a friend who was cursed, and asked about how to break curses. She said I needed to bring her something that belongs to the friend, and she could sort of diagnose the problem. Do you have anything that doesn't look all ... um... demony? BOB Uh... what sort of things? SHERRY Something from your body - hair, something. BOB [worried] You want to pull some hair? SHERRY She said it had to come straight from the source and be fresh. BOB All right. I'll turn my back and you pull. Make it quick. SHERRY Are you really such a total wuss? BOB Well - um - uh - [small] I have a very low pain threshold. SHERRY [sigh] All right. Bend down. SOUND HEAVY NOISES AS HE MOVES BOB OK, go. SHERRY [exasperated sigh] All right. Brace yourself. BOB Wait! SHERRY No - just "man up", Bob. BOB Wait! Something's happening! SHERRY I haven't even started yet! BOB [scream, which turns odd] Ahh! SOUND SCUFFLE, BODY FLUNG, DROP, CREAKY NOISES, SCUTTLE OF HOOVES SHERRY Oh crap. SOUND GOAT "MAAAAA" MUSIC AMB mid-eastern MUSIC SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN, BELL PINGS SOUND FEET STORM IN SHERRY [agitated, quick] Hello? Hello? Damn it, get out here! SOUND BEAD CURTAIN MOVES SLOWLY ASIDE CARMELITA [tired or hung over] Shush. I am not open for business. SHERRY Your door was unlocked. CARMELITA A mistake. Go away. SHERRY No! Help me and I'll leave. I don't know another damn fortuneteller or witch or anything in the entire city. I have a goddam goat in my bathroom, and I need help. CARMELITA A... goat? SHERRY Yes. [deep breath, trying to calm down, talks quieter] Look, can we please talk? CARMELITA [long beat, then a sigh] Sit. I will make tea. MUSIC SOUND SIPPING TEA SHERRY Is your head any better? CARMELITA A bit. As long as you talk quietly, it will not explode. I had a bit of a long night. SHERRY Problems? CARMELITA Oh, don't even get me started. SHERRY Hey, I can listen, if it'll help at all. I'm not in such a rush. CARMELITA Really? SHERRY Sure. [coaxing] Come on. CARMELITA It's a man. SHERRY [sympathetic] Isn't it always? CARMELITA He's a bastard. An evil bastard. SHERRY There's plenty of 'em out there. CARMELITA [breaking] I loved him. SHERRY Tell me about it. CARMELITA [teary] He is so charming. Good teeth. Good hair. Good job. [sips, then] Good catch. SHERRY And I'll bet he knows it, too. CARMELITA Of course. But he comes in here, saying he has a dream he wants interpreted. Says he has dreamed of me - that I, Carmelita, have haunted his dreams. SHERRY Smooth bastard. CARMELITA So smooth you could buff him and see your face in him. SHERRY [a bit puzzled] Right. Smooth like glass. CARMELITA Just like glass. SHERRY Shiny and flat and totally transparent once you look at them the right way. CARMELITA [laughing a bit] Yes! Just like that! SHERRY I know just the type. So he-- CARMELITA He took advantage of my girlish heart. SHERRY Full advantage? CARMELITA Yes. SHERRY [tsks] CARMELITA And then, once he had his wicked way - as the old movies say - poof! He was gone. SHERRY Screening his calls? CARMELITA Worse. He changed his number. SHERRY [ouch noise] ooh! CARMELITA So I got his new address. [shrug] Spirits are good for many things. SHERRY Yeah, but can they find you a good man? CARMELITA [disgusted noise] They can find me a unicorn first. Good men are more scarce. SHERRY Amen to that. CARMELITA The charming ones are all scum. [spits] SHERRY And the boring ones-- CARMELITA Oh, I would take boring in a heartbeat, if I could only trust him. SHERRY Yeah, that's the trick. CARMELITA Well. I feel a little better now. Tell me about your goat. MUSIC SOUND APARTMENT DOOR OPENS SHERRY Hello? BOB [off, muffled] Maaa! SOUND SHE WALKS DOWN THE HALL SHERRY We might have the answer, Bob. SOUND BATHROOM DOOR OPENS BOB [sad] Maa. SHERRY Oh, goodness, Bob. That's what the paper was for. [sigh] Come on. SOUND HOOVES MUSIC AMB MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL SOUND HOOVES ENTER CARMELITA This is the goat? SHERRY Ya think? CARMELITA Of course. Be quiet while I channel the spirits. [hums, changing keys] BOB Maa? SHERRY Shh! CARMELITA [humming ends] You're right - it is your goat. The agreement stands, then. Take this. SHERRY OK. Now, Bob. You be a good goat and stay with Carmelita here. I have an errand to run. BOB [a bit panicky] Maa? CARMELITA Don't worry, bubula, I'm rather fond of goats. MUSIC SOUND DOORBELL JOHNSTON Just a minute! SHERRY [through the door] Bob? I hope this isn't a bad time? SOUND DOOR OPENS JOHNSTON Oh, no! I was - this is just crazy, but I was just thinking of you! Cosmic, isn't it? SHERRY Wow! JOHNSTON What's all that? SHERRY Turns out there were some packages for you along with the mail today. Figured I'd ...um... [coquettish]... have another excuse to drop in. JOHNSTON Mmm! SHERRY There's a few more, but I figure that'll keep. JOHNSTON Here, let me get those. SOUND WALKS, PICKS UP BOXES JOHNSTON [grunt] Wow! How'd you get this all up here? SHERRY I guess my mind was ....on other things. JOHNSTON [interested, sexy] Oh? SOUND HE GETS THE BOXES IN, THEY COLLAPSE ALL OVER THE FLOOR SOUND SOMETHING GETS LOOSE AND ROLLS ACROSS THE FLOOR, BUZZING SHERRY [embarrassed laugh] Oh-ho! JOHNSTON Oh. That. That's, um, for a friend. SHERRY I'll bet. [really laughing now] Look out! It's making a run for it! JOHNSTON Here. SOUND SCOOPS UP THE TOY, TURNS IT OFF, DROPS IT INTO BOX SHERRY You're a man of ...interesting... tastes. JOHNSTON I won't apologize. I like to make my woman feel ...very ...good. SHERRY A guy like you must already have a woman. Or a bunch of them. JOHNSTON [sigh, rueful] I've been looking for so long for the right woman. The woman who can make me really want to settle down. You know? A woman who makes me want to stay home and eat the same thing every night? SHERRY But in the meantime--? JOHNSTON Well, nothing wrong with exercising my god-given talents. Just means that once I find this ...special... woman, I'll be an expert. Able to fulfill her every need. SHERRY [chuckle, then quiet] Paint my house. JOHNSTON What? SHERRY Sorry. Quoting. I don't suppose you have something to ...drink ... around here? JOHNSTON Of course. SOUND TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS JOHNSTON Your mother? SHERRY Huh? JOHNSTON Are you going to have to run off again? SHERRY [muttered] You're good. [up] Bingo night. JOHNSTON Ahhhh. MUSIC AMB MUSIC SOUND CARDS BEING TURNED OVER CARMELITA The Lovers. [chuckles] Strange card for a goat. What sort of choice have you made recently, do you think? SOUND TURNS ANOTHER CARD BOB [worried] Maa! CARMELITA No, no, darling. [mwa!] Death is not so bad as you think. It means change - for you this is a good card in your near future. I think your friend is actually going to pull this off! BOB [like a sigh] Maa. CARMELITA keep your chin up. You can always stay here and be [cutesy] my little goat. MUSIC AMB LOW SEXY MUSIC PLAYS SOUND DRINKS POUR SENSUOUSLY SHERRY [sigh] JOHNSTON Hmm? SHERRY Just thinking back on the silly coincidence that got me here. JOHNSTON Pure karma, baby. SHERRY Could I have a bit of ice? JOHNSTON [chuckle] You don't ice this stuff, babe. It's the heat that makes it go down so nicely. SHERRY [suggestive] It's not for the drink. JOHNSTON Oh-ho! SOUND HE GETS UP, WALKS OFF SOUND UP CLOSE, SHE OPENS A TINY LITTLE BOTTLE, POURS SOMETHING INTO THE DRINK SHERRY [calling, over the sounds] You might bring a whole bowl of them! SOUND [OFF] HE OPENS THE FRIDGE, POPS OUT SOME ICE FROM A TRAY JOHNSTON [off] You got it! SHERRY [sigh of relief] SOUND HE COMES BACK JOHNSTON What happened? SHERRY Happened? JOHNSTON Did you put something in my drink? SHERRY [trying to play it cutesy] Just a widdle wuv potion. JOHNSTON [angry, totally breaking the mood] A what? What is it with you spooky chicks? SHERRY Huh? JOHNSTON Damn love potions and crap, seriously, what the hell is it? SHERRY Jeez, Bob. I was joking. What crawled up your ass? JOHNSTON Then, what? Huh? What did you put in there? SHERRY It was just a little bubbly stuff. Here, I'll drink it. [exasperated sigh] It's just a game. JOHNSTON You ruined perfectly good-- SHERRY It's just - I've always-- [tsk, breaks off] JOHNSTON What? SHERRY I've always had this fantasy of being a femme fatale. A bond girl. Something really naughty. JOHNSTON [getting into it - a little] Really? SHERRY Yeah. I was just playing. JOHNSTON Hmm. SHERRY I didn't think you would freak. JOHNSTON Let's just put it down to bad experiences, 'kay? Everyone's had 'em. SHERRY [still miffed] Right. JOHNSTON Oh, come on - we can still share the other glass. I'll sip-- [sips] Now you. SHERRY [giving in] All right. JOHNSTON There. SOUND A BIT OF MASHING, MUSIC UP MUSIC BOB Maa? CARMELITA She has been gone a long time. I hope it all is all right-- oh! SOUND WEIRD STRETCHY NOISES BOB [moaning in agony, etc. kinda goofy] CARMELITA Now that is fascinating. I've never actually had a chance to watch this end of a curse. BOB [still gasping and ouchy] Oh! Goodness... Um, [gasps in shock] Don't just stare at me! CARMELITA Why not? You're human again. SOUND PULLING THE TABLECLOTH, DISHES RATTLE CARMELITA Stop that! BOB [panicking] But I'm.... nude. CARMELITA As if I have never seen a nude man before. BOB Um.... I've never... BEEN nude before. CARMELITA [with interest, teasing] Oh? BOB You wouldn't have some pants somewhere? CARMELITA I'll go and check. You might want to close the curtains, beefcakes. BOB [panic] Ahh! SOUND MORE RATTLE OF DISHES CARMELITA [calling back as she leaves the room] Kidding! SOUND BEAD CURTAIN PARTS SOUND FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS CARMELITA A-ha! SOUND FEET ENTER SHERRY Mission accomplished. More or less. [grunts with effort] SOUND CREAK OF ROPE JOHNSTON Maaa! SHERRY Don't you even try that again! SOUND HOOVES PULLED INTO ROOM CARMELITA How did you do it? He's one tricky bastard. SHERRY Oh, I have a few tricks of my own-- SOUND BEAD CURTAIN MOVES A LITTLE BOB Sherry? I'm... um... [unsure] okay now. SHERRY Yeah. Good. [snickers] Nice loincloth. BOB [blushing] It was all I could-- CARMELITA Oh, no you didn't! Not my mother's good apron! [commanding] You get right back in there, mister and I will find you something! BOB Okay. Sorry! SOUND BEAD CURTAIN SWINGS CARMELITA Can you take my guest here through to the yard - that door, there? SHERRY With pleasure. [grunting] Come on! SOUND CREAK OF ROPE JOHNSTON Maa!!! MUSIC CARMELITA So what did you do? Put it in his drink? SHERRY First, what's going to happen to him? Jackass he may be, but I can't see leaving him a goat forever. CARMELITA I'll give him a couple of weeks. Then turn him back, let him try and explain what happened. SHERRY I can just see the Judge Judy episode where he tries to sue your pants off. BOB [muttered] Only if you have pants... CARMELITA She would laugh him out of court. "But really, this bitch turned me into a goat for two weeks..." SHERRY She'd say "turned you? [slowing losing it to laughter as she goes along] The defense has a laundry list of witnesses ready to swear you already were a goat..." CARMELITA [laughing almost hysterically] BOB What about me? SHERRY [calming down] Honestly, Bob. I think you'll be fine. BOB But ...work? SHERRY Didn't even miss you. [backpedaling] I mean -- everyone feels you're about due for a mental health day. Or five. CARMELITA But I still don't see how you managed it? SHERRY Simple. You told me all about his moves. His technique. BOB I know. Do guys really DO all that? Just to get-- CARMELITA Shh. We'll talk later, darling. [with feeling] Later. BOB Ulp! SHERRY [chuckling a bit] So it was easy. Once I put the fizzy stuff in his drink, he got all huffy and wouldn't drink it, even though I offered to take it myself. BOB I wouldn't either. [shuts himself up suddenly] CARMELITA And so? SHERRY You said he was big nibbler. I put the real potion all over my neck and shoulders. Didn't take long before - poof! BOB I know you've done me a huge favor here, Sherry, and I owe you plenty, but could you do one last teensy thing? SHERRY [sigh] What's that? BOB Pants? SHERRY Pants? BOB Bring me some? This blanket won't get me home - at least not without being arrested. SHERRY [sigh] Pants it is. CARMELITA Not too quickly. BOB [panicky] Huh? CARMELITA There's something very... attractive about a man who already knows [intense] not to cross a witch. BOB [gulp] CARMELITA And you're awfully cute. At least without the hooves. BOB Um, thanks? [up] Sherry? SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BELL DINGS JOHNSTON [almost a laugh] maa-aa-aa-aa! CLOSER
A little break from 19 Nocturne Boulevard. Fatal Girl is my anime-inspired modern day monster-hunting dark magical girl series. In it, Chiyoko (from a 100-generation family of monster hunters) and Alice (swordswoman from a mysterious past who lost her memory) go after monsters. This episode does walk a line very close to a lot of the dark places, and needs a lot of trigger warnings. It at least talks about (or has offscreen events) rape, molestation, murder, tentacles, high school, stalkers, and other potentially bad stuff. This was the first of six episodes that came out for Season 1. I'm working on Season 2 as we speak. ********************************************* CAST Alice --- Beverly Poole Chiyoko --- Julie Hoverson Hyde --- Mike Campbell Ken --- Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Tanaka --- Russell Gold Girl 1 --- Kateryna Fury Girl 2 --- Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard (Gypsy Audio) Aimi --- Tanja Milojevic (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind) Biko --- Brittney Cruz Hana --- Melissa Bartell Mana --- Rhys Torres-Miller Tsukawa --- Amber Leigh Miss Takamura --- Melissa Pang Bad Man --- Sean "Sonicmega" Chiplock Delinquent --- Matthias Rebne-Morgan Old Dude --- Leonard Streeper Thug1 --- Cary Ayers Thug2 --- Lothar Tuppan Written, conceived, produced, cast, scored, all mistakes made by: Julie Hoverson With voice processing help from Reynaud LeBoeuf MUSIC IN THIS EPISODE FROM THESE SOURCES: Deied Icon Girl Pistols Krzysztof Kurkowski Monster Cyborg Strix Metempsy And the incomparable, talented, and gracious Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com
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