Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Do you ever feel like your parenting is completely off track from where you want it to be? You promise yourself you won't yell, then find yourself yelling at your kids before breakfast. You intend to be patient and present, but end up getting distracted by your phone, or snapping at your child. This disconnect between your parenting intentions and reality can leave you feeling guilty, ashamed, and afraid that you're passing on intergenerational trauma despite your best efforts. In this episode, we reveal the origins of our harsh inner critic and how cultural expectations set parents up for struggle. You'll discover practical reparenting techniques, step-by-step self-compassion exercises, and how recognizing your emotional triggers can transform your parenting journey. This isn't about perfect parenting - it's about healing your own childhood wounds through a process called reparenting, so you can break intergenerational patterns and build the connection with your child you've always wanted. Questions This Episode Will AnswerHow can I identify and manage my emotional triggers in parenting?Emotional triggers often originate from unhealed childhood experiences. Notice when you have outsized reactions to your child's behavior—these point to areas needing healing. The episode offers a self-compassion exercise to help you treat yourself with the same kindness that you treat others. Creating space between trigger and reaction allows you to respond intentionally rather than reactively. How does my inner critic affect my ability to parent effectively?Your inner critic—which is often a voice of your parent/caregiver—triggers shame spirals that make it harder to parent effectively. It damages your relationship with yourself and teaches your children to develop their own harsh inner critics. Through reparenting, you can recognize this voice isn't truly yours, but one you absorbed from your environment. Learning to quiet this voice creates space for authentic connection with your child and breaks intergenerational trauma patterns. What is reparenting and how can it help my relationship with my child?Reparenting is giving yourself what your parents couldn't provide during your childhood. It involves a five-step process: becoming aware of your patterns, accepting them without judgment, validating your childhood experiences, reframing your beliefs, and taking action to reinforce new patterns. When you heal your own emotional wounds through reparenting, you become more capable of meeting your child's needs without being triggered. How do I break intergenerational trauma patterns in my parenting?Breaking intergenerational trauma starts with awareness of the patterns you inherited. Practice self-compassion exercises when triggered rather than self-criticism. Use the reparenting process to heal your own childhood wounds. Find supportive community to help you recognize when old patterns emerge. Each time you respond differently to your child than your parents did to you, you're disrupting the cycle of intergenerational trauma. Can self-compassion exercises really help when I'm triggered with my kids?Yes, self-compassion exercises are powerful tools for managing parenting triggers. Dr. Susan Pollak's three-step self-compassion exercise can create the mental space needed to respond differently: acknowledge the difficulty ("This is hard"), remember your common humanity ("Other parents struggle with this too"), and offer yourself...

Are you tired of facing family challenges alone? In this powerful episode, we witness the transformative journey of two parents who discovered that joining a parenting support group can change everything at home. Parenting wasn't meant to be a solo journey. When sleep deprivation, communication struggles with partners, and children's big emotions become overwhelming family challenges, the right parenting support group makes all the difference. This episode shows how connecting with a supportive parenting community helped transform 45-minute tantrums into 10-minute conversations, restore sleep after years of exhaustion, and address family communication challenges in ways that parenting books alone never could. Now, more than ever, we need each other. In this re-released episode from two years ago, you'll hear authentic stories that will inspire you to find your own parenting support group and experience the profound changes that happen when parents help each other overcome family challenges. Questions This Episode Will Answer How can I find a parenting support group when I don't have family nearby? Distance from extended family doesn't mean you must face family challenges alone. This episode demonstrates how intentional parenting support groups can provide even more targeted help than your actual family. You'll learn how to connect with parents who share your values and family challenges, not just parents who happen to live close to you. These parenting support groups create meaningful connections that provide practical help, emotional support, and accountability. How do I find a parenting support group with members who won't judge me? Finding non-judgmental parenting support begins with seeking communities built on mutual understanding rather than competition. This episode shows how specialized parenting support groups create safe spaces where you can share family challenges honestly - even showing up in tears or looking completely exhausted - without fear of judgment. Can a parenting support group really help with my child's emotional outbursts? Yes! When parents learn tools like radical listening through supportive parenting groups, children's emotional regulation challenges improve dramatically. This episode demonstrates how one parent reduced tantrum duration from 45 minutes to just 10 minutes by applying techniques learned in her parenting support group. How do I balance everyone's needs when family challenges leave me exhausted? Meeting everyone's needs begins with recognizing your own. This episode reveals how a parenting support group provides permission to prioritize self-care (especially sleep) as the foundation for better addressing your family challenges, including your children's and partner's needs. Can a parenting support group help with partner communication challenges? Absolutely. You'll hear how a parenting support group helped identify and address difficult family communication patterns where one partner was agreeing to things they didn't want just to end discussions. Now the partners have an effective framework for honestly communicating about family challenges and needs. What's more valuable for addressing family challenges - parenting courses or a parenting support group? While quality parenting information matters, this episode reveals how the combination of both creates the most powerful approach to family challenges. You'll hear how structured parenting support groups help you actually implement tools you learn, rather than just collecting more information about family challenges. What You'll Learn in This Episode Practical ways to find and build your own parenting support group How parenting support groups transform...

Most parents believe praise is an essential tool for raising confident, well-behaved children. We've been told to "catch them being good" and "focus on the positive." But what if our well-intentioned praise is actually functioning as a subtle form of control? What if praise isn't just celebrating who our children are, but secretly shaping them into who we—or society—want them to become? In this episode, we'll examine how praise affects children's self-concept, motivation, and behavior. We'll explore research on praise's effects, reflect on our own experiences with praise growing up, and draw on philosophical ideas to understand praise as a tool of power that teaches children to internalize social norms and regulate their own behavior. We'll also learn new tools to create more authentic relationships with our children and helping them develop true autonomy. Click here to download the list of 55 Ways to Support, Encourage, and Celebrate Your Child Without PraiseQuestions This Episode Will AnswerIs praise harmful to children?Praise can function as a form of control, establishing a conditional relationship where your approval depends on your child's actions. The underlying message becomes: "I'm excited about you when you do what I want." This contradicts what children need to flourish: unconditional love and acceptance for who they are, not what they do. What's the difference between praise and appreciation?Praise is evaluative language that judges a person's actions or character as "good" or "bad." Appreciation focuses on the impact someone's actions had on you personally. For example, instead of "good job setting the table," try "Thank you for setting the table—I really appreciate not having to do it myself." Does praise help motivate children?Research on praise's effects is mixed. Some studies suggest rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, while others indicate they can help establish habits. The more important question isn't whether praise works to change behavior in the short term, but what it teaches children about themselves and their worth in the long term. How does praise affect a child's development?Praise can create dependency on external validation. Many adults who received substantial praise as children become reluctant to attempt things they aren't already good at for fear of not receiving praise or worse, receiving criticism. This is often where perfectionism emerges—not from high standards but from fear that without perfection, they won't be valued or loved. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeYou'll discover what praise actually is and recognize when you might be praising your child without realizing it. Praise includes evaluative language like "good job," "you're so smart," or "I'm proud of you," and is typically given with the intention of encouraging children to repeat behaviors. You'll explore how praise functions as more than just emotional encouragement—it operates as a form of social control. When we praise children for certain behaviors, we're teaching them what society values and expects, defining what's "normal" and desirable. You'll understand how children internalize our surveillance through praise. They begin monitoring themselves according to external standards rather than developing their own internal value system. You'll learn practical alternatives to praise, including genuine appreciation that acknowledges specific actions and their impact, curiosity...

Is your child's refusal to listen driving you CRAZY? You're not alone! In this transformative episode, mom-of-three Chrystal reveals how she went from constant power struggles to peaceful cooperation without sacrificing authority. Discover the exact approach that works when "because I said so" fails. Stop the exhausting battles TODAY and create the respectful relationship you've always wanted with your child. Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why won't my child listen to me? Children resist when their needs aren't being met. Understanding what's beneath the "not listening" transforms power struggles into opportunities for connection and cooperation. How do I get my child to listen without threatening or bribing? Focus on identifying both your needs and your child's needs, then problem-solve together to find solutions that work for everyone. This creates willing cooperation rather than reluctant compliance. Will my child ever listen the first time I ask? Yes! When children know that you'll try to meet their needs as well as your own, they become MUCH more willing to collaborate with you. The path to first-time listening isn't through control but through connection. Am I creating an entitled child by not demanding immediate compliance? Actually, the opposite is true. Children raised with respectful problem-solving develop stronger empathy, better boundary recognition, and more social skills than those raised with strict obedience requirements. How do I handle emergencies when I need immediate compliance? Create a foundation of trust by respecting autonomy in non-emergency situations. When true emergencies arise, children who trust you will respond to your urgency because they know you don't overuse your authority. What You'll Learn In This Episode: The powerful shift from control-based parenting to needs-based problem-solving Why resistance is a signal that needs attention, not defiance that needs punishment How to identify your real non-negotiables versus situations where flexibility serves everyone Practical examples of problem-solving conversations that create willing cooperation The critical difference between limits (changing someone's behavior) and boundaries (what you're willing to do) How to teach children about healthy boundaries by respecting theirs Why "stop means stop" and "no means no" are essential teachings (and how to get your child to respect your 'stop' and 'no') How to recognize when you're getting triggered by your child's "not listening" The surprising truth about how respectful parenting creates more socially capable children Why one intentional parent can make all the difference, even without perfect partner alignment If you're thinking "but my child NEEDS to learn to listen," this episode directly addresses how this approach creates MORE compliance in situations that truly matter. Ready to transform your daily battles into peaceful cooperation? I'd love to help you take the next step in our FREE Setting Loving and Effective Limits masterclass on May 15 at 10 AM Pacific. Click the image below to sign up. Jump to highlights 00:45 Introduction of today's episode 02:00 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 06:12 Chrystal's experience in the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop 07:46 Saying NO to our child isn't necessarily the right answer 08:48 Challenges that Chrystal had as someone who was brought up in a religious family 11:44 How...

Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting in disguise? This episode reveals a powerful framework for meeting both your needs and your child's, creating cooperation without sacrificing connection. Is gentle parenting the same as permissive parenting? No, gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parenting focuses on meeting both the child's and the parent's needs with respect and empathy. Permissive parenting prioritizes the child's desires without setting appropriate boundaries or considering the parent's needs. Parents can be gentle without being permissive by understanding and meeting their own needs, as well as their child's needs. Why don't logical consequences and offering limited choices always work? Logical consequences and offering limited choices don't always work because they are often strategies to control a child's behavior rather than addressing the underlying needs driving that behavior. When a child is acting out, they may be seeking connection, autonomy, or have other unmet needs. Logical consequences and choices don't meet these needs, so the behavior continues. How can I set effective limits without sliding into permissiveness? To set effective limits without becoming permissive, understand that your needs matter just as much as your child's. Identify the underlying need you're currently trying to meet with a limit, and identify strategies that honor both your needs and your child's. This prevents you from prioritizing the child's desires while neglecting your own needs, which is characteristic of permissive parenting. What's the difference between a natural consequence and a logical consequence? A natural consequence is what naturally occurs as a result of an action such as touching a hot stove and getting burned. A logical consequence is an action that a parent takes as a result of an action, such as taking away screen time because a child didn't do what they were told. How can I meet both my needs and my child's needs in challenging situations? Meeting both your needs and your child's needs starts with identifying the underlying needs driving the behavior in challenging situations. If a child is stalling at bedtime, they may need connection. A parent can meet this need by spending time with the child before bed, reading an extra book, or engaging in a quiet activity together. This could the child's need for connection, while also meeting the parent's need for the child to go to bed at a reasonable time. What's the underlying cause of my child's resistance to everyday routines? The underlying cause of a child's resistance to everyday routines is often an unmet need. For example, resistance to putting on shoes may stem from a need for autonomy (if the child wants to do it themselves), or connection (if they want you to do it for them). By recognizing the need, you can find ways to involve the child in the process, such as letting them choose which shoes to wear, giving them a sense of control and making the routine more cooperative. Is there an alternative to the four traditional parenting styles? Yes, there are alternatives to the four traditional parenting styles (neglectful, authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative). Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the styles, also found a 'harmonious' method where parents consider the child's ideas as just as important as their own, which sounds a lot like Gentle Parenting - but she decided not to research it further! What you'll learn in this episode In this episode, we challenge the common misconception that gentle, respectful parenting is the same as permissive parenting.

"How can we get on the same page about discipline?" is one of the most common questions parents face. Before having kids, most couples never realize how different family backgrounds, experiences, and parenting beliefs will collide into seemingly unbridgeable differences. This episode explores practical tools to navigate these differences, from de-escalating tense moments to having productive conversations that honor both parents' needs while creating consistency for your children. Questions this episode will answer Why do my partner and I have such different approaches to discipline? Your differing approaches likely stem from your own childhood experiences, family values, and what you're trying to "fix" from your upbringing. You might also have different core needs you're trying to meet — one parent might prioritize structure and predictability while another focuses on emotional connection. Understanding these differences is key to finding common ground rather than seeing your partner as "wrong." How do I handle it when my partner disciplines our child in a way I don't agree with? When your partner uses a disciplinary approach you disagree with, jumping in to defend the kids often escalates the situation. Instead, try a de-escalation approach: help everyone regulate with your calm presence, validate each person's feelings, and offer a simple solution that gives everyone an out while preserving dignity. Save deeper discussions for later when kids aren't present. How can I talk to my partner about discipline without starting a fight? Approach conversations without judgment by framing the discussion around shared goals ("Can we talk about what we want to do when the kids don't listen?") rather than criticizing their approach ("You're too harsh with the kids"). The episode offers 10 indirect questions to help you understand the origins of your partner's beliefs about discipline. What if my partner thinks gentle parenting "doesn't work"? If your partner is using your imperfect moments as "evidence" that your approach doesn't work, start with self-compassion. We look at how to use tools like The Feedback Process to explore your different ideas and find ways to move forward together. How can we create a consistent approach that respects both our parenting styles? Start by understanding what's driving each of your approaches rather than just focusing on behaviors. When you identify the underlying needs you're both trying to meet—whether it's creating structure, ensuring emotional connection, or teaching responsibility—you'll often find common ground. The episode provides indirect questions you can use to understand how your childhood experiences have shaped your parenting values. Then you can work together to determine what success looks like for both of you, examine what actually happens with different approaches, and create hybrid solutions that honor each person's core values while giving your children the consistency they need. What you'll learn in this episode How to use self-compassion when parenting differences arise Self-compassion is essential when navigating differences in discipline approaches with your partner. Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows self-compassion includes self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification. Practice treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend when you make mistakes or struggle to align with your partner. The de-escalation approach for heated discipline moments Instead of undermining your partner in the moment, learn to de-escalate by helping everyone regulate, validating all feelings without taking sides, and offering simple solutions that preserve dignity....

Have you ever shared an observation with your partner or child, only to watch them immediately become defensive or shut down? You meant well, but somehow your words landed as criticism instead of the helpful insight you intended. In this episode, we explore The Feedback Process framework with Joellen Killion, examining how we can transform our family communications. When we participate in the feedback process effectively, we create conversations that family members can actually hear—conversations that lead to lasting positive change rather than defensiveness and resistance.   Questions this episode will answer Why do our attempts to share observations with family members often lead to defensiveness? What's the difference between criticism and participating in the feedback process? How can we frame our observations so they're received as helpful rather than hurtful? What specific language patterns help family members stay open to what we're sharing? How can we create feedback conversations that strengthen relationships instead of damaging them? How does shifting from "waiting to respond" to "truly listening" transform the entire feedback dynamic? How can we teach children to participate in the feedback process constructively?   What you'll learn in this episode The key components of The Feedback Process framework and how they transform family communications Practical techniques to share observations without triggering defensiveness in your partner or children Specific language patterns that help feedback recipients stay open to what you're sharing How to recognize when feedback isn't being received and what to do about it The crucial difference between criticism and constructive feedback Ways to create a family culture where feedback strengthens relationships rather than damaging them How participating in the feedback process builds emotional intelligence in children Practical examples of transforming common family conflicts through effective feedback conversations This episode provides practical tools to break cycles of criticism and defensiveness, creating space for authentic communication that leads to positive change in your family relationships. Joellen Killion's book The Feedback Process (Affiliate link) Other episodes mentioned 212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see in your family 209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner 102: From confusion and conflict to confident parenting Jump to highlights 00:57 Introduction of today's guest 04:17 Key distinction between the traditional feedback that we usually practice and the feedback process 09:50 When we encourage our partners, children, and siblings to express their views and desires, we acknowledge that we don't have authority over them. True connection comes from understanding what others want, sharing our perspective, and finding mutual agreement. 14:55 When parents define success differently, navigate this by exploring each other's underlying values without judgment, sharing your perspective, finding common ground, and experimenting with compromises that honor both viewpoints while meeting your child's needs. 20:52 Create space for productive dialogue by focusing on the agreement versus the action, and inviting...

What exactly is validation? Dr. Fleck defines it as communication that demonstrates you are mindful, understand, and empathize with another person's experience, thereby accepting it as valid. In this illuminating conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck, author the book Validation, we explore the powerful concept of validation and how it can transform your relationship with your child. Dr. Fleck is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University. After the conversation with Dr. Fleck, I provide my own perspective on the third part of her book. While I found the first two parts on validation techniques extremely valuable and immediately applicable, I share some concerns about using validation as a tool for changing children's behavior. I explore the ethical considerations of consent-based relationships with children and offer an alternative approach focused on understanding needs rather than modifying behavior. The conversation gives you an overview of the very useful validation framework, while the conclusion honors my commitment to respectful, needs-based parenting approaches that maintain children's autonomy and inner experience. Questions this episode will answer How do I validate my child's feelings when they're having a meltdown? Does validating my child's emotions make tantrums worse or last longer? What should I say when my child is upset about something that seems trivial? How can I tell the difference between validating feelings versus validating bad behavior? What are the most effective words to use when validating my child's emotions? How does validation help my child develop emotional regulation skills? What happens if I've been unintentionally invalidating my child's feelings? Is it possible to validate feelings while still setting necessary boundaries? What simple validation techniques can I start using today with my child? What you'll learn in this episode Simple, practical phrases to validate your child's feelings during difficult moments How to respond when your child is upset about something that seems small (like a broken cracker) The step-by-step validation ladder you can use with children of all ages Why saying "You're OK!" actually makes tantrums worse and what to say instead How validation helps your child develop emotional regulation skills faster Easy mindfulness techniques to stay calm when your child is emotional Specific examples of validation for common parenting challenges How to validate feelings while still maintaining important boundaries Ways to repair your relationship if you've been unintentionally invalidating The connection between childhood validation and long-term mental health Whether you're dealing with tantrums, big emotions, difficult conversations, or just want to build a stronger connection with your child, the validation techniques shared in this episode provide a foundation for healthier relationships and emotional well-being. Dr. Fleck's book Validation: how the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life (Affiliate link) Jump to highlights 00:57 Introducing today's episode and guest speaker 04:06 Definition of validation by Dr. Caroline Fleck 04:38 Importance of validation...

Challenge conventional wisdom about "tough love" with evidence-based approaches that prioritize connection over compliance and control. In this episode, we explore how to prepare children for the real world without sacrificing their authentic selves. Drawing on research about food habits, screen time, social expectations, and discipline approaches, this discussion offers balanced strategies that prioritize connection over control. You'll learn how to guide children through external pressures while helping them develop critical thinking skills and maintaining their inherent wisdom. Questions this episode will answer How can I help my child navigate a world of hyper-palatable foods without creating unhealthy food relationships? What's the evidence about screen time and video games, and how can I approach them constructively? How do social systems pressure children to conform to limiting gender roles and expectations? Is traditional discipline truly preparing children for the "real world," or is there a better approach? How can I honor my child's authentic self while still giving them tools to succeed? What you'll learn in this episode The truth about BMI measurements and research on body size that contradicts common assumptions How the Division of Responsibility model can transform mealtime struggles Why video games don't increase violence and may offer surprising benefits Practical ways to help children develop critical thinking about media messages How to identify the unmet needs behind challenging behavior The concept of "traumatic invalidation" and its impact on children's development Step-by-step approaches to build children's self-regulation around screen time How to create meaningful conversations about problematic messages in children's books Ways to validate children while preparing them for life's challenges This episode offers a thoughtful examination of the tensions between societal pressures and children's innate wisdom, providing practical guidance for parents navigating these complex territories. Rather than offering quick fixes, we focus on building connection as the foundation for helping children develop resilience and discernment. Other episodes mentioned 007: Help! My toddler won't eat vegetables 140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon 142: Division of Responsibility with Ellyn Satter 218: What children learn from video games 106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting (Part 1) 050: How to raise emotionally healthy boys 083: White privilege in parenting: What it is & what to do about it 238:...

What truly matters in a baby's first year? This episode explores the top five things parents should focus on, helping you set priorities with confidence. Questions this episode will answer: How much influence do parents really have on their child's development? What parenting practices actually make a long-term difference? Should you be worried about hitting developmental milestones on time? How can you support your baby's emotional well-being from day one? What are the best ways to foster a strong parent-child bond? What you'll learn in this episode: Parenting advice changes constantly, often reflecting shifts in culture and scientific understanding. In this episode, we take a research-backed approach to uncover what truly matters in your baby's first year—and what doesn't. The Myth of the Perfect Parent: Learn why the definition of “good parenting” has evolved and how cultural expectations influence parenting choices. Nature vs. Nurture: Discover the surprising role genetics and socioeconomic factors play in shaping a child's future. The Truth About Developmental Milestones: Understand why comparing your child to others can be misleading—and what really matters for long-term success. Helping Your Baby Feel Secure: Explore the key elements of emotional safety and how they support healthy development. Building a Strong Parent-Child Connection: Learn practical strategies to foster trust, communication, and bonding with your baby. Making Parenting Easier: Get clarity on what's actually worth stressing about—spoiler: fancy baby gear isn't on the list. Join us as we use our values to understand how to get parenting right from the start for your baby and family. If you're ready to dive even deeper into these ideas and get hands-on guidance in your parenting journey, our Right From The Start course that I run with Hannah & Kelty of Upbringing is here to help. It's designed to give you the confidence and tools to support your baby's emotional well-being, strengthen your bond, and parent with intention—right from the start. You'll get access to nine modules of content on topics like supporting baby's sleep, feeding with confidence, and supporting a strong sibling relationship. You'll also learn how to meet your own needs - because you're a whole person with needs, not just your baby's parent. Right From The Start is available anytime, and you get access to a group coaching call once a

Feeling Overwhelmed by Parenting Stress? You're Not Alone. If you're exhausted, stretched too thin, and struggling with the stress of parenting, you're not the only one. Many parents—especially mothers—find themselves running on empty, constantly trying to meet everyone's needs while their own go unnoticed. Parenting stress can leave you feeling frustrated, drained, and even angry at your kids, whom you love so much. In this episode, we're unpacking why parenting can feel like too much and what we can do about it. We'll explore the hidden pressures that push parents toward burnout, the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, and small shifts that can help you feel more supported, more present, and less overwhelmed by the daily stress of parenting. Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why does parenting feel so much harder than I expected? Is it normal to feel resentful or emotionally drained from the stress of parenting? Am I an angry parent? Is this just who I am? How can I take care of myself when my kids need me all the time? Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries or ask for help? What small, doable changes can I make to feel more balanced and present? You'll Learn: Why so many parents feel like they're drowning—and why it's not your fault What's really behind that constant exhaustion and frustration Practical ways to lighten the load without adding more to your to-do list How small mindset shifts can make parenting feel less overwhelming How to recognize when parenting stress is turning you into an angry parent—and what to do about it This isn't about striving for perfection or forcing yourself to do more. It's about finding simple, meaningful ways to care for yourself while still showing up for your family. Parental Burnout

Struggling to get your child to open up? Discover 8 key reasons kids resist sharing their feelings—and actionable strategies to create real connection. Why Your Child Won't Open Up—and What You Can Do As parents, we deeply want to support our children, but when we ask, “What's wrong?” and get silence or resistance in return, it can feel frustrating and confusing. Why won't they just tell us what's going on? Whether your child is too young to articulate their emotions, brushes off your questions, or reacts with defiance, you're not alone. In this episode of Your Parenting Mojo, we explore the real reasons children struggle to express their feelings and how we, as parents, might unintentionally make it harder for them to share. You'll learn practical, connection-based strategies to shift these dynamics, helping your child feel safe enough to open up—without forcing the conversation. The episode builds on the ideas in my book Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World. Questions This Episode Will Answer: Why does my child shut down when I ask about their feelings? How can I encourage my child to express emotions—even if they can't or don't speak? Could how I talk to them make them less likely to share? How should I respond when they say, “I don't care” or “Stop talking like that”? How can I build long-term trust so they confide in me more? What common parenting habits discourage open communication without us realizing it? What strategies can I use to make problem-solving conversations feel safe and collaborative? What You'll Learn in This Episode 8 key reasons why kids resist sharing their emotions. How to recognize when your child wants to open up but doesn't know how. The hidden impact of parenting focused on getting the child to behave correctly—and how to shift toward emotional connection. How to reframe conversations so your child knows you see, know, and love them for who they really are. Actionable tools to help your child feel safe expressing their emotions. Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn't where you want it to be because: you're feeling triggered a lot by your kids' behavior... they're not willing to share how they're feeling with you because they're afraid of your reaction... they think you'll just try to get THEM to change... ... then the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you. Sign up for the workshop now . Special pricing to celebrate our 10th anniversary: only $147! Click...

How to heal the anger in your relationship with your spouse Parent Laurie was doing really well when she had two kids. She had been with her partner for a long time, she had just achieved her first managerial role at work, and things were going great - so they thought it would be a good time to add a third child. Then: Pandemic. Two kids under three. Oldest child started school and had problems that were diagnosed as ADHD and Autism. Navigating all the appointments and calls from school took so much time that Laurie dropped down to part-time work, so her salary would no longer cover the cost of childcare. She quit her job and became a stay-at-home parent. The Anger Begins Then the anger and rage began. Laurie had always had anger throughout her whole life, and thought she knew how to handle it - but this rage was a different story. It felt like she wasn't in control, which is the complete opposite of how she wanted to show up as a parent and as a partner - so she felt deeply ashamed of it. Her husband Jordan bore the brunt of it - for big issues and small. They had a mouse problem...and one day he left Goldfish crackers out. Laurie was like the villainous octopus witch Ursula from The Little Mermaid who wanted to tear everything down - to tear HIM down. The Impact of Anger on Laurie's Kids Of course her kids heard all of this. Not long after his diagnosis, her oldest son had given a presentation to his class about his family, and he introduced Laurie by saying: "No matter what happens, my Mom is calm and unflappable and she can handle it." It was Laurie's parenting dream come true, since she didn't grow up in a calm house. Laurie felt so ashamed that she wasn't the calm center of the family anymore, and that her kids were afraid of her. Where the Anger Comes From Then she started to learn the sources of her triggered feelings from waaay back in that not-so-calm household. She also learned that getting her husband to change his behavior was not the answer - even though she very much wanted it to be the answer! She started to heal from the hurts she's experienced, and has learned how to sit with her rage without making it her husband's fault. And from there, she's begun to feel the rage less often.

Children's threats: What they mean and how to respond "If you don't give me a lollipop, I won't be your friend anymore.”  Said to a sibling: “If you don't come and sit down, I'll take your toy.”  “If you don't give me candy before dinner, I'll hit you.” Has your child made threats like this (or worse ones) when things don't go their way? Whether it's yelling, “I'll never be your friend again!” or threatening to hurt you, hearing these words can stop you in your tracks. Why do our kids say things like this? Where do they even get the idea to use threats, when we've never said anything like this to them and we don't think they've heard it from screen time either? In this week's episode we'll dig deeply into these questions, and learn how to respond both in the moment the threat has happened - as well as what to do to reduce future threats. You'll hear: A step-by-step strategy to deal with a real-life example - from the parent whose child said "If you don't lie down with me I will shatter your eyeballs!" The phrases we use with our kids that might unintentionally encourage this kind of behavior Specific, practical tools to use in the moment - and long before tensions escalate Are you ready to turn these tough moments into opportunities for deeper connection? Tune in to the episode today. And what happens to you when your child threatens you? Do you lose your mind? Do you freak out that you might be raising a child who needs help to defuse violent tendencies, and then yell at them because their threats are SO INAPPROPRIATE? Hopefully this episode reassures you that that isn't the case. But that may not eliminate your triggered feelings - because these don't always respond to logic. If you know you need help with your triggers but don't know what to do, come to the FREE Why You're So Angry With Your Child's Age-Appropriate Behavior - and What To Do About It (without stuffing down your feelings and pretending that you aren't angry) masterclass. Finally understand the causes of your triggered feelings and find out how to feel angry less often - in just 36 minutes. Watch the recording anytime it's convenient for you, then join me for a FREE LIVE Q&A session and coaching from 10-11:30am Pacific on Thursday February 6. (We'll send you a recording in case you can't attend - although you have to be there to get your questions answered and win great prizes!) Click the banner below to learn more and sign up. Other episodes mentioned: SYPM 013: Triggered all the time to emotional safety 232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers Jump to highlights: 03:03 Introduction of Reddit post about a child threatening his parent 19:27 The child listens but doesn't do what they're told 36:21 Recognizing the signals 42:42 Recognize the background stress [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]  Adrian  00:03 Adrian, Hi, I'm Adrien in suburban Chicagoland, and this is Your Parenting Mojo with Jen Lumanlan. Jen is working on a series of episodes based on the challenges you are...

The Problem with Time Outs: Why They Fail, and What to Do Instead Recently, in Part 1 of this two-part mini-series, we began looking at a question from listener Melissa:  "Can time-outs ever have a place in a respectful parenting approach?  (And if not, what else am I supposed to do when my kid looks me in the eye and does something he knows he's not supposed to do?)"  That episode looked at the academic research on the effectiveness of time-outs, what else might account for the research that finds them ‘effective,' and whether time-outs might harm children even if the research says they don't. Today's episode builds on Part 1 by exploring why time outs often fail to address misbehavior effectively - and may harm parent-child relationships. Key points include: We often don't understand the distinction between misbehavior and emotional distress: Researchers agree that we should use time-outs when children misbehave, but not when they're emotionally distressed.  But what if we aren't as good at telling the difference between those two states as we think we are? Understanding why children do things we tell them not to do: We look specifically at what Melissa's 3 ½-year-old son is doing - things like poking her face, throwing a toy when she's told him not to, and dropping food on the floor during dinner, as well as pulling his sister's hair, and hitting/kicking her. How alternatives to time out are even more effective: Even in controlled lab settings, compliance after time-outs often doesn't exceed 60%.  We'll meet parent Kendra, whose child had an Oppositional Defiant Disorder diagnosis that she no longer believes is true now she's using the tools we discuss in this episode. Drawing on research and these real-life stories, this episode offers actionable insights for parents who want effective alternatives to time-outs. Whether you're dealing with boundary-testing toddlers or older children's challenging behaviors, this episode provides tools to help you deal with your child's misbehavior by creating empathy and trust, rather than disconnection and resentment. Love what you're learning? Support the show and help us keep delivering insightful episodes like this one!

Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here's what the research says Pediatricians and researchers commonly recommend that parents use time outs when kids misbehave.  Time outs are promoted as an effective, evidence-based parenting strategy - although the real reason they're so highly recommended is that they cause less damage to children than hitting. But if we're already using respectful/gentle parenting strategies most of the time, could there be any benefit to adding time outs when our children don't comply with more gentle methods? This episode delves into the research on: Which children and families researchers think time outs are effective for (it's not the same group of children who are usually study participants!); The precise time out script that has been shown to be effective (and why it works); Whether time outs harm children or not (this is one of the biggest controversies in the Gentle Parenting world) If you've heard that time out is an effective strategy to gain children's cooperation but weren't sure whether it fits with your Gentle Parenting approach, this episode will help you to decide for yourself whether it's a good fit for you and your family. Other episodes mentioned: Episode 231: How to support baby's development after a Wonder Week Episode 230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here's what the research says Episode 154: Authoritative is not the best parenting style Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part II Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real? Jump to highlights: 00:03 - Introduction 10:23 - Historical context and research on timeouts 17:26 - Critical analysis of timeout research 28:36 - Effective implementation of timeouts 33:59 - Challenges and limitations of timeouts 41:49 - Jen's personal experiences and emotional impact 49:29 - Alternative perspectives and values

What Dog Trainers Know That You Don't! Ever felt stuck figuring out how to respond to your child's challenging behavior? What if the key lies in techniques used by master dog trainers? In this episode, we explore how strategies designed to nurture trust and communication with dogs can revolutionize the way we parent. From co-regulation to building a culture of consent, you'll learn actionable steps to create a harmonious home environment. What you'll learn: Read dogs' non-verbal cues to prevent bites - and how reading your child's can prevent meltdowns. Never yell at dogs—and what they do to get cooperation instead. Calm anxious dogs—the same technique can reduce your child's tantrums. Build trust and gain consent with dogs—which can also strengthen your relationship with your child. Stay calm under pressure—their strategies can help you navigate parenting stress as well. This episode ties together the science of behavior with empathy to show that parenting doesn't have to mean power struggles. By understanding your child's needs (just like dog trainers learn to understand their dogs), you'll build a connection that lasts a lifetime. Don't miss out on this unique perspective on parenting! Love what you're learning? Support the show and help us keep delivering insightful episodes like this one!

Expert strategies for baby's growth and development beyond Wonder Weeks In Part 2 of our Wonder Weeks series, we're exploring how to support your baby's development once a Wonder Week has passed. Is there a predictable schedule to follow, or is your baby's crying tied to something unique? In this episode, we'll dive into: ✨ What research says about crying and developmental stages. ✨ The cultural influences behind parenting decisions and baby care. ✨ Strategies to support your baby through challenging times, Wonder Week or not. ✨ Ways to handle stress and ensure both you and your baby thrive. Whether your baby follows the Wonder Weeks timeline or forges their own path, this episode equips you with the insights and tools you need to nurture their growth. Ready to start your parenting journey with confidence? Click below to explore Right From The Start and prepare for a smoother, more empowered first year with your baby! Book mentioned in this episode: The Wonder Weeks by Dr. Frans  Plooij and Hetty van de Rijt Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias by Virginia Mendez Mentioned Episodes Episode 230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here's what the research says Episode 138: Most of What You Know About Attachment is Probably Wrong Episode 72: What is RIE? Episode 084: The science of RIE Episode 173: Why we shouldn't read the Your X-Year-Old child books anymore Episode 137: Psychological Flexibility through ACT with Dr. Diana Hill Episode 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid? Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real? Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part II Episode 031: Parenting beyond pink and blue Episode 017: Don't bother trying to increase your child's self-esteem Episode 061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype? Jump to Highlights

The Science of Why Babies Cry More and What Parents Need to Know You may have noticed that your baby sometimes seems calm and relaxed…and then goes through a ‘fussy' phase, where they seem to cry no matter what you do.  Do these fussy phases happen on a predictable schedule?  Is it predictable for all babies…and for all parents? In this episode, we dive into the research behind the theory of the Wonder Weeks, as described in the books and app. This popular concept suggests that all babies experience predictable periods of fussiness in preparation for going through developmental ‘leaps,' but the science behind it may be much more limited than you expect. We break down the available research, explain why babies might cry more at certain stages, and help parents understand the truth about these so-called Wonder Weeks. What topics do we cover? How Wonder Weeks became a popular theory What actual research says about baby crying phases Ways to support your baby during fussy times, whether or not Wonder Weeks apply By the end, you'll feel more informed about why babies cry and have a clearer idea of whether Wonder Weeks is a useful tool for understanding your baby's needs. If you're expecting a baby or have a child under the age of one, you're likely feeling a mix of excitement and overwhelm. The Right From The Start course is designed to give you the tools and confidence you need to navigate those early months with ease. Whether it's sleep, feeding, play, or your baby's development, this course offers evidence-based guidance that helps you understand your baby's needs during key stages, including those fussy "Wonder Weeks" moments. In the Right From The Start course, you'll learn exactly how to support your baby during these challenging times, and how to create a secure, loving environment that nurtures their growth at every stage. What you'll get from Right From The Start: Practical advice for sleep, feeding, and developmental milestones—especially during those Wonder Weeks! Insights into how your baby's brain develops, and what's really going on during those early (and sometimes challenging) months. Tools for managing routine activities like diapering, dressing, and communication, with strategies that align with your baby's natural development.Beyond the knowledge, you'll also gain access to a supportive community of parents who are navigating the same challenges, so you never have to feel alone. Ready to get started? Click the image below to learn more about Right From The Start and get notified when enrollment reopens. Prepare for a smoother, more confident journey through your baby's first year! Episodes Mentioned: SYPM 016: Getting it right from the start with a new baby  Episode 138: Most of What You Know About Attachment is Probably Wrong Episode 72: What is RIE? Episode 084: The science of RIE Episode 173: Why we shouldn't read the Your X-Year-Old child books anymore Episode 137: Psychological Flexibility through ACT with Dr. Diana Hill

Chances are, if you're thinking of listening to this podcast episode, the 2024 election didn't go the way you hoped it would. A lot of people are feeling scared right now. I've heard some people wanting to fight, while others want to hunker down. I've had both of those feelings myself over the last few weeks. I don't usually wade into current events. My brain needs time to process and digest and preferably take in a lot of peer-reviewed research before I can decide what I think. I tried to do something different in this episode: I did read a lot, but I only took notes and then spoke mostly extemporaneously. And now you've seen the length of this episode you'll know why I don't do that very often. In this episode we will help you answer questions like: How do our values shape political views and actions? How can we make sense of the way that liberals and conservatives prioritize different values? Is it possible that liberals haven't been truly honest about how we live our values? What kinds of actions can we take to create true belonging so we don't have to grasp at power? How can we create true belonging in our families, to live our values honestly and completely? I hope you find this thought-provoking and useful as we all start to think about the ways we can move forward - and keep everyone safe. These are the graphs mentioned on this episode: Episode Mentioned: https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/ineverthoughtofitthatway/ https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/othering/ https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/equitableoutcomes/ Jump to highlights: 3:50 References to Dr. John Powell's and Dr. Jonathan Haidt's work, particularly The Righteous Mind, exploring political views. 4:45 Explanation of Haidt's five moral foundations and their impact on political perspectives. 7:00 Comparison of liberal and conservative priorities around moral foundations. 8:36 Discussion on care, fairness, loyalty, authority, and sanctity in policies. 10:46 Exploration of government intervention, wealth redistribution, immigration, and in-group loyalty. 13:06 Discussion on understanding and addressing the underlying needs of both groups. 17:46 Examples of Social Security and the GI Bill's exclusionary practices. 19:16 Discussion of economic disparities and the call for fair, inclusive policies. 22:38 References to sociologist Arlie Hochschild's work on the economic story behind Trump's support. 24:00 Examination of cultural and economic factors influencing Trump's voter base. 28:50 Examples of identity threats leading to group cohesion. 32:30 Advocacy for listening to Trump voters to understand...

Welcome back to Your Parenting Mojo! Today, we're diving into a topic that many parents may face but rarely talk about openly: navigating menopause while raising young kids. If you've been wondering how to balance parenting with the changes menopause brings, this episode is for you. In our first interview on Menstrual Cycle Awareness, we explored how menstruation impacts our lives. Today, we're thrilled to welcome back our wonderful guests, Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, for a second interview focusing on menopause. Alexandra Pope, Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a pioneer in menstruality education and awareness. With over 30 years of experience, Alexandra believes that each stage of the menstrual journey—from the first period to menopause and beyond—holds a unique power. Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, also Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a psychotherapist and menstrual cycle educator. She is passionate about helping people understand and honor their natural rhythms, using menstrual cycle awareness as a tool for self-care and empowerment. In this interview, they'll share their insights on embracing menopause as a time of empowerment rather than something to simply endure. They introduce us to their concept of “Wild Power,” a strength that arises from understanding and honoring your body's natural rhythms through every stage of life. Why Menopause Matters in Parenting Many parents have kids a bit later in life, which means we may find ourselves dealing with perimenopause—when our body starts preparing for menopause—right when we're also raising children. This experience can bring challenges, like feeling more tired or dealing with mood changes, but it also offers us new ways to grow and find our inner strength. Alexandra and Sjanie show us how we can be more understanding and open with ourselves and others as we go through this time of change. What You'll Learn in This Episode: What is Menopause? Alexandra and Sjanie explain what menopause and perimenopause are and how these natural changes affect us physically and emotionally. The Wild Power Within: Discover how your unique energy can be a guiding force in both your personal life and in parenting. Tools to Support Yourself: Simple ways to be kinder to yourself, balance rest with activity, and embrace each phase with a sense of discovery. Reconnecting with Yourself: Learn how you can stay grounded and connected to your inner self as you navigate the ups and downs of menopause. Listen in to this powerful conversation that might just change the way you think about parenting—and about yourself. Alexandra and Sjanie's books (Affiliate Links): Wild power: Discover the magic of your menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power Wise power: Discover the liberating power of menopause to awaken authority, purpose and belonging Episodes mentioned: 222: How to cultivate Menstrual Cycle Awareness Jump to highlights: 00:03 Introducing today's episode and featured guests 00:52 Understanding Menopause and Its Stages 03:02 Introduction to menopause terminology: perimenopause, menopause, post-menopause 05:34 Phases compared to seasons, each with unique...

In our last conversation with Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett [Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1] a couple of weeks ago we looked at her theory of where emotions originate. This has important implications for things like: How our 'body budgets' affect our feelings How we make meaning from our feelings so our internal experience makes sense That we don't always understand other people's feelings very well! The introduction to the theory plus the conversation plus the take-home messages would have made for an unwieldy episode, so I split it in half. Today we conclude the conversation with Dr. Barrett and I also offer some thoughts about things I think are really important from across the two episodes, including: What we can do with the information our feelings give us How long we should support children in feeling their feelings (given that they don't always mean what we think they mean!) and when we should help them move on Some tools we can use to re-regulate in difficult moments with our kids Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's Books (Affiliate Links) How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain Other episodes mentioned 129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids Jump to Highlights 00:59 Introducing today's episode and featured guests 05:01 People in chaotic or uncertain situations, like poverty or neurodivergence, face greater challenges due to the increased stress on their body budgets. 18:02 Understanding and managing personal needs as a parent, along with emotional flexibility, can lead to more effective responses to children. 23:46 Parents need to balance their own feelings with their children's by asking if their kids want empathy or help. They should remember that every interaction is a chance to teach kids how to manage their emotions. 31:07 Parents can view their empathy for their children as a sign of competence, balancing their own needs with their child's emotions. 34:22 Jen draws conclusions from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's research on emotions, highlighting how parents can use this understanding to empower their children in navigating feelings and enhancing emotional literacy. References Barrett, L. F., Adolphs, R., Marsella, S., Martinez, A. M., & Pollak, S. D. (2019). Emotional expressions reconsidered: Challenges to inferring emotion from human facial movements. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 20, 1–68. Barrett, L.F. (2012). Emotions are real. Emotion 12(3), 413-429.

Have you ever wondered where our emotions come from? Do you think that if you look at a person's face, you can have a pretty good idea of how they're feeling? But at the same time, do your child's feelings seem mysterious to you, like you can't figure them out? Listener Akiko introduced me to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's theory of where our emotions come from, and I found it fascinating. It presents compelling evidence that the ways we've thought about emotions up to now may be entirely wrong. We might think we can match a specific arrangement of facial features (like a scowl) with a particular emotion (like anger), but not everyone scowls when they're angry and people also scowl when they aren't angry. We tend to infer characteristics about our child from things like their tone, so we might hear a 'snarky' tone and think: "My child doesn't respect me," when actually they're feeling hurt because their need for consideration hasn't been met. And sometimes there isn't a deep psychological reason why they're having big emotions...sometimes it's a challenge in balancing what Dr. Barrett calls their 'body budget' (and some of our big emotions come from challenges in balancing our body budgets as well). Dr. Barrett is the author of over 275 peer-reviewed articles on the topic of emotions and is among the top 0.1% of cited scientists in the world, so it was a real honor to speak with her about how our emotions are made...and what this means for: How we make meaning out of our emotions (which is critical to understanding the trauma we've experienced) How we talk with kids about emotions ("You hit Johnny and now he's feeling sad" might not be the best way to do this); What to do with big emotional expressions that seem to 'come out of nowhere' - which actually happens fairly rarely. This episode opens with me defining Dr. Barrett's theory of emotions so we didn't have to waste 20 minutes of our precious hour together to do that. I also wanted to share my thoughts on the implications of these ideas for our families and the episode would have been too long so I split it in half. In this episode you'll hear the introduction to the theory, half of the conversation with Dr. Barrett, and my thoughts on what we've heard so far. In an upcoming episode we'll hear the second half of the interview as well as my overarching take-aways from across the two episodes. And just a reminder that if you're having your own big emotional reactions in response to your child's difficult (but age-appropriate) behavior, there are real reasons for that. We discuss meaning-making in the conversation with Dr. Barrett: in the Taming Your Triggers workshop we focus heavily on making meaning out of your experience. Whether you've experienced trauma and need help seeing the connections between your experiences and your triggered feelings towards your children, or if you need help with your body budgeting today, in Taming Your Triggers we'll help you to: Feel triggered less often; Find ways to meet your needs - and your child's needs - on a much more regular basis; Learn how to repair effectively with your child on the (far fewer!) occasions when things didn't go the way you would have hoped. Sign up now, and we'll get started on Monday October 14 - so we can finish in time for you to actually enjoy the holidays this year. Enrollment closes very soon! You'll get a short module of content once a week for 10 weeks, along with some homework to help you put the ideas into practice. You'll get to learn with a group of amazing parents who want to create this kind of shift in their own families as well, and with all the support you need from me. Click the image below to join me in Taming Your Triggers! Dr. Lisa Feldman...

I know it can be really (really) difficult to bridge the gap between being the kind of parent we want to be, and the kind of parent we're able to be in the moments when our kids do things we find difficult. We might know that we want our kids to receive a message of unconditional love and acceptance, but when they do something like hitting their sibling and we respond: "Why would you DO that?!", or handle them roughly, or even spank them, that the message they are receiving may not be one of unconditional love and acceptance. Parent Jody joined the Parenting Membership and in the moments when he was able to stay regulated, the new tools helped him to navigate his kids' behavior more effectively. But when he got triggered by something like sibling hitting (because seeing a child get hit is triggering when you were hit as a child), then he would default back to what he called "autopilot parenting," and he would yell at his kids, shame them, and spank them - just like his parents had done to him. So he signed up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and in just a few weeks, Jody started to share his 'wins.'

There are several books available on mom rage by now.  They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they've said and done to their children. They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms' mental health.  (Yes to all of those things, obviously.) There are far fewer books that try to make connections between our experiences and why it's happening, and that actually make practical suggestions for concrete practices we can try to cope with our rage more effectively right now - along with a sense of hope that we could actually make these policy changes happen in our lifetimes. Minna Dubin's book Mom Rage (which I found out about because our local Berkeley newspaper covered both of our books when they were published!) does all of those things. I read it and liked it and started recommending it when relevant topics came up on coaching calls in the Parenting Membership, and parent Katie fell in love with it. Katie didn't even think the term ‘mom rage' applied to her - but when she read the descriptions of raging moms, she found herself (mentally) shouting: “YES!  That's ME!”. I'm so grateful that both Minna and Katie could join me for this deep conversation on where Mom Rage comes from, and what we can do about it. We'll do some shame-busting work together so you can know that you aren't alone in experiencing rage, and that you don't have to be alone in addressing it either. If you experience Mom Rage and know you need help, I'd love...

Today's episode comes from listener who submitted an emotional voicemail on the Ask Jen a Question button on the Your Parenting Mojo homepage, which boils down to: Am I damaging my child? The messages you can leave are limited to two minutes in length, so we get just a taste of what the parent is struggling with: a difficult relationship with their neurodivergent son, because he triggers the parent and then the parent feels triggered again by the guilt and shame that some of the challenges the son is facing might be the parent's fault. In this episode I walk though neuropsychologist R. Douglas Fields' LIFEMORTS framework of rage triggers - because if we understand the kinds of things that trigger us, we can avoid some of those triggers entirely and then see the rest of them coming and resource ourselves before they arrive. I link these rage triggers with broader social issues that we may be carrying in the backs of our minds without even realizing it, and the energy it takes to constantly manage our thoughts about these issues is energy we don't have to spend meeting our children's needs - or our needs. I also offer a set of three steps you can use to help you navigate triggering situations with your children more effectively. If you see that your relationship with your child isn't where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child... Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated... Feel guilt and/or shame about how they're experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them... ...the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you.

I know that when you start using new parenting tools, things don't always go according to plan. Your kids don't say what you think they will, or maybe you perceive that their behavior is just kind of crappy, or maybe your partner isn't on board with your ideas. In this episode I address what to do about all of these challenges, as well as how to use the tools I work with to address difficult topics like children wanting ever more snack foods, ever more screen time, and refusing to go to school. We hear from parents who have managed to address tricky challenges - including a child with a skin condition who must take a bath daily and who was successfully extending the dinner/running around/reading books process until bedtime was delayed as well. Once the child's parents came to see what needs the child was trying to meet, bath time suddenly wasn't a problem anymore. I share some realizations that parents have had about their place in the world as they've engaged with my work and how I plan to shift the ways I talk about these issues moving forward. I also invite you to celebrate with my book Parenting Beyond Power's first birthday by baking (or buying) some cupcakes! One of many parents' favorite ideas in the book was the feelings and needs cupcakes, which makes it easy to visualize your most common feelings and needs. We've made some flags you can print and use with your children to identify your (and their) feelings and needs. Share them on social media and be invited to a group coaching call with me later in September, and stick them to the fridge as a reminder of how to connect with your kids - and yourself! Finally, a couple of invitations. The

This episode was...unplanned. :-) A couple of months ago I interviewed Dr. Louise Newson on the topic of menopause. Dr. Newson is a medical doctor and focused very heavily on Hormone Replacement Therapy as a treatment that everyone who menstruates should at least consider, and I knew I wanted to do an episode with someone who doesn't hold that belief as well. I found Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer of The Red School, and really appreciated their book Wise Power. As I usually do before recording an interview I read their other co-authored book Wild Power, and I realized there was a 'missing' episode on the topic of Menstrual Cycle Awareness. We can't really talk about being aware of the changes that are happening to our bodies during menopause if we don't know what has happened to our bodies throughout our menstruating years. When I read Wild Power I felt a deep sense of sadness that I was just discovering this now, as my own years of menstruation wind down - but also a deep sense of hope that I can help Carys develop a much closer relationship with her own body than I had with mine. We'll answer questions like: What phases does my body go through each month? How can I start becoming more aware of these phases through Menstrual Cycle Awareness? How can I align my activities with my energy levels, creativity, and arousal - even in the real world, which wants me to go-go-go all the time? How is my inner critic aligned with my cycle, and how can I use its knowledge to help me? How can I navigate Menstrual Cycle Awareness if I've had a difficult relationship with my periods and with fertility? I'd encourage you to listen to this episode if: You menstruate and want to better understand how menstruation affects your life You're raising a child who will menstruate and want to prepare them to feel 'at home' in their bodies You love someone who menstruates and want to be better attuned to them You're raising a child who will never menstruate, but you want them to appreciate menstruation and know how to effectively support people who menstruate. In other words, everyone will get something out of this episode! ...

How comfortable do you feel speaking up about something your child's school needs? Have you noticed that some parents seem to feel more comfortable speaking up than others? Have you ever noticed that sometimes rules and policies in school don't seem to be applied evenly to all students, while squeaky wheels who raise issues that concern them and their children tend to get addressed? If you have, and you'd like to understand more about what you're seeing and know what to do about it, then this episode is for you. My guest for this episode is Allyson Criner Brown, an award-winning equity practitioner, trainer, and scholar who has worked at the intersections of pre-K-12 education, family, and community engagement, environmental justice, and local government. I also have a co-interviewer joining me, parent Cassie Gardener Manjikian, who asked for this episode after she noticed that the everyday actions she was seeing in her school weren't matching up with the school's (and district's) own goals and plans. In the episode, we answer questions like: What are the valuable ways that parents contribute to their children's learning, even if they never volunteer in the classroom? What kinds of social challenges happen in schools, and how do these affect our kids? How can I advocate for changes if the Principal doesn't seem interested? What kinds of tools can we use with teachers and parents if people are on board with doing things differently but just don't know what to do or how to do it? If I'm the kind of parent who is never going to join the PTA, what role can I play? We all have an important role to play in creating the schools our children deserve - this episode will help you to find yours.

A few months ago my daughter had a routine checkup at the doctor, who asked how much screen time she gets in a day (which is more than typical recommendations but way less time than children spend sitting in school). The doctor told her (but really she told me): “You should get more exercise.” Carys isn't a team sports kind of person.  She doesn't love hiking, and she only really likes biking when friends are with us. Something about the ‘get more exercise' advice didn't sit quite right with me, but I couldn't put my finger on why. Then I found Katy Bowman's work and suddenly it all made sense. Katy points out that movement and exercise are not the same thing. Even if we aren't getting enough exercise, what we need far more than exercise is movement. In this episode, we discuss questions like: What, exactly, is movement? What does it mean for our children to move…and how about us? How do we get more of it when our days are already so full?  (I know I thought that, but I've found ways to incorporate a daily stretching routine without taking any time away from anything else I do.  We discuss how in the episode!) What children learn through movement

What your child is learning in school isn't enough The things your child is learning in school are not the things that are most likely to lead to their success in the future. Who could have predicted the shifts we've seen since Chat GPT-3 was released to the public in November 2022? While AI still has its bugs, it won't be long before these bugs are squashed. We're going to be using more and more technology in our lives - and our children are going to need different skills to navigate it than we've used in our careers. The 56 foundational skills for future success A report from consulting firm McKinsey's research arm described 56 foundational skills that will help people thrive in the future of work. Eleven of these skills are related to digital fluency and citizenship, software use and development, and understanding digital systems. The other 44 skills have nothing to do with digital knowledge or capabilities. These...

Thanks to those of you who completed the recent survey on how I can serve you better, some changes are coming to the YPM world!   While most respondents said they loved the length of the episodes because they appreciate how much detail we can get into in that time, a number of people said they had trouble finding the time to listen to longer episodes, as well as share them with others. Our long episodes aren't going anywhere; I love being able to truly understand an issue and have deep conversations with experts. But I hear you that it can be hard to find an hour to listen! That's why I'm going to start creating summary episodes.  This first one summarizes the last two episodes on the topic of video games - both the conversation with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin, and my narrated episode on what children learn from video games. You'll get my take-home ideas from both episodes in less than 12 minutes! If you're starting to see the deep learning that children are doing while they're playing video games and want to support them in having more of these kinds of experiences…but without using screens all the time, the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher workshop will help you. We'll help you learn how to use your child's questions and your observations about their interests to support them in deep, intrinsically motivated learning. You'll learn: Learn how to use your child's interests as a jumping off point for deep, self-driven learning Show (to yourself and others!) that your child is engaged in complex, multi-faceted learning Reimagine what learning looks like (it can be exciting and fun, and not something you have to bribe your child to do!) Understand your values about learning so you can do activities that are aligned with those values Be and believe you can be your child's best teacher - whether or not your child is in school We'll get started next Wednesday, so click the banner and sign up now! Jump to Highlights 01:26 Introducing today's episode 02:06 Balancing kids' screen time is a gradual process of sharing responsibility and making adjustments based on their abilities. 03:35 Children are drawn to video games because they meet needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness. 03:54 There is no strong evidence that video games cause violence.  05:27 Children can learn about cultural issues like misogyny and violence from video games and other media.  07:19 Video games allow children to actively engage in learning by exploring unique systems and strategies, similar to real scientific thinking. 08:41 Children develop creativity and persistence through video games. 09:18 Invitation to the free You Are Your Child's Best Teacher...

Last week, parent Nicole and I talked with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin about the challenges we can have when our kids love video games. [insert link to previous episode] I had also hoped to ask Ash a lot of questions about what children learn from video games but we completely ran out of time, so I spent a fun day reading 10 books on the topic at the University of New Mexico library (non-students can't check out books!). I wanted to know a lot more about: Why do children find video games so attractive?  And can we use that information to make the transitions away from screen time easier - as well as support their off-screen learning? Even if video games don't lead children to violence, are they picking up ideas that aren't aligned with our values? What useful skills are our children learning from video games, and how is this different from school-based learning? If you want to learn how to support your child's learning even more effectively than video games do, come and join me for the FREE You Are Your Child's Best Teacher workshop. We'll start together on Wednesday August 7 - you'll get a short email on each of the five following weekdays with an idea to consider and a short homework to think about, write about, or do with your child. The weekend in the middle of the workshop offers an ideal opportunity for you to begin your child's first Learning Exploration where they are leading the process rather than you! Sign-up for the FREE workshop is available now:

Video games can be tough. Our kids enjoy them so much…but can't tear their eyes away from them when time's up without a meltdown. Some games, like Fortnite and Roblox, can be really violent, and aren't our kids learning bad messages when they play? Plus even if they aren't playing something violent, they aren't really learning anything beneficial, right? In this episode with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin and co-interviewer parent Nicole, we talk about common struggles parents have with kids who are playing games, including: How to address dysregulation at the end of screen time How to ‘scaffold' the child's ability to manage their own screen time The links between screen time and intrinsic motivation Why we can feel OK using screen time to give ourselves a break How to model appropriate screen time use in front of our children If summer is rolling on by and you've seen your kids do a lot of playing (whether that's video games or not) and not a lot of activities that look like learning, I'd love to see you in the FREE You Are Your Child's Best Teacher workshop that's coming up soon. We'll start together on Wednesday August 7, 2024 - you'll get a short email on each of the five following weekdays with an idea to consider and a short homework to think about, write about, or do with your child. The weekend in the middle of the workshop offers an ideal opportunity for you to begin your child's first Learning Exploration where they are leading the process rather than you! Sign-up for the FREE workshop now: Jump to Highlights 01:50

How do I know if I'm perimenopausal?A few months ago a member in the Parenting Membership shared a whole bunch of symptoms she'd had, from fatigue to rage to dry eyes. She'd been on a four year journey to figure out what was going on before finding out that she was in perimenopause, and wanted to save other members from the same experience she'd had.That sparked a huge discussion in the community, with other members wondering whether the symptoms they were experiencing were also related to menopause - and whether this was going to be yet another thing they were going to have to educate their doctors about to get appropriate treatment.In this episode we answer questions about: What roles do hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone play in our bodies? What is menopause, and what is perimenopause? What are some of the most common symptoms of perimenopause? (Hint - it isn't hot flashes) What are the benefits of Hormone Replacement Therapy, and who should consider it? Is HRT dangerous? What impacts does culture have on the experience of menopause?In our next episode on this topic we'll look at a non-medical, holistic approach to menopause. Dr. Newson's booksPreparing for the perimenopause and menopauseMenopause: All you need to know in one concise manualThe Definitive Guide to the Perimenopause and Menopause Jump to Highlights01:26 Introducing the topic and featured guest for this episode03:48 Hormones play a crucial role in menstruation.08:28 Dr. Newson explores the definitions and challenges of menopause and perimenopause, emphasizing the wide-ranging symptoms and long-term health implications associated with hormonal changes.12:10 Dr. Newson discusses recognizing perimenopause symptoms amid busy lifestyles and the importance of early awareness, regardless of age variability in menopausal onset.16:05 Dr. Newson explains how hormonal birth control can obscure natural hormone patterns, potentially leading to misunderstood symptoms like mood changes and reduced energy.18:26 Women face challenges in receiving timely diagnosis and treatment for perimenopause and menopause symptoms, underscoring disparities in healthcare and the importance of seeking medical help despite societal barriers.22:46 Hot flashes, often associated with menopause, are not the most prevalent or severe symptom. They result from brain disruptions and vary widely among individuals, with many experiencing cognitive and psychological symptoms instead.27:28 Perimenopause and menopause often bring cognitive symptoms like memory lapses, tied to hormonal shifts that impact brain function, yet frequently disregarded in medical care and treatment.33:41 Hormone replacement therapy has been found to be effective in managing menopausal symptoms and offering potential long-term health benefits, despite past concerns about risks associated with older synthetic hormone studies.44:47 Hormone...

Does your child have big emotional blow-ups in social situations? Are they a wallflower who doesn't know how to make friends? Do they struggle to understand when it's appropriate to interrupt, tell the truth, and follow the rules vs. let things go? I've been interested in neurodivergence for a while - I'm hoping to do an episode soon on parenting with ADHD, and in the course of research for that a parent in the Parenting Membership recommended the book Why Will No-One Play With Me. The book is designed to help parents teach their children social skills - and I do think it has some useful ideas in it, but there are some pretty big caveats. This episode takes a look at the broader set of research on teaching children social skills to ask whether we CAN do it and if we can, whether we SHOULD do it and if we should, what kinds of tools should we use? The popular Social Stories method? Role plays? Peer coaching? This episode answers questions like: What types of teaching are likely to be beneficial? How can we teach social skills to Autistic children and children with ADHD, as well as neurotypical children?...

Want to know how my autism self-diagnosis has affected my relationship with my husband? (I will apologize to autistic listeners here as an ableist perspective is still something we're working on, and he also uses some outdated terminology probably from an old book he's started twice - but not yet finished - on supporting partners with Asperger's Syndrome.) Curious about whether he identifies as Filipino-American... or not? And how his perspective on race differs from mine? Want to hear how he sent a chicken up into space...and then found out what the two pink lines of a pregnancy test mean? Last year, when we were coming up on our 200th podcast episode, I asked my husband Alvin if he would be willing to record a podcast episode. I had envisioned listeners asking the questions and him answering - but he wanted me to join as well! One of the first things we learned was that Alvin cannot be succinct. (Well, technically speaking, this was not a new lesson for me - and interviewer Iris had tried really hard to prepare him for succinctness by asking for his 'elevator pitch' - but he just couldn't do it!) So we ended up cutting the episode when it was already over an hour and we hadn't covered half of the questions listeners had submitted...and interviewers Iris and Corrine graciously agreed to return for a Part 2. So here it is! Other episodes mentioned 175: I'll be me; can you be you? 200: Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!) Jump to Highlights 01:22  Introducing this episode 04:28  Alvin talks about how...

Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child? Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen? And do bribes ("If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time...") feel just as awful? But what other choice do you have? Your kids don't listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help? That's what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her. (Houri's doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and punishment systems.) She wasn't ready to believe that abandoning the tools she'd been trained in would create a better outcome, when she measured her success as a parent by whether she got immediate compliance from her children. She ended up not completely abandoning these tools - because they still fit within her vision and values for her family (her vision is a bit different from mine, which is OK! The important thing is that she is living in alignment with hervalues!). But Houri's relationship with her children is profoundly different today than it was a couple of years ago. Her children have deep insight into their feelings and needs, and most of the time they're able to find ways to meet all of their needs. She no longer uses her power over them to get their immediate compliance - and that doesn't mean she gets walked all over either. Houri sees that this approach has built a deep reservoir of trust in their relationship - but occasionally a parent will slip, and will force the children to do something they aren't ready for. When you hear Houri describe how her daughter punished her husband for forcing an injection before she was ready, you might never look at your own child's misbehavior the same way again. You'll even find a new way to approach the age-old struggle of tooth brushing in this conversation that gets Houri's childrens' teeth brushed every morning without a fight! If you'd like to ditch the rewards and punishments (and also know that the teeth will still get brushed!) then I'd love to help you make that happen. You'll get: A new module of content every month Access to an amazing community of supportive parents, in what they've described as "the least judgmental corner of the internet" Answers to your questions in the community, via a video, or a 1:1 consult for especially thorny issues (recorded to share with the community; there's a library of these available for you to watch as well) Group coaching calls where I'll coach you live on your specific challenges (or you can lurk if you prefer...) ACTion groups: Up to five parents and an experienced peer coach meet weekly to help you plan how you'll achieve your vision A 20 minute 1:1 call with community manager Denise right after you sign up, so she can direct you to the resources that will help you most! It's gentle parenting that's also gentle on you (and isn't permissive!). Enrollment is only open for a few more days, until midnight Pacific on Wednesday May 15, 2024. We have sliding scale pricing and a 100% money back guarantee. Click the image below to learn more. Other episodes mentioned:

Here's a little thought exercise: think back to what you were doing this time last year, right around Mother's Day (in the U.S...I know it has already passed in other places!). What kinds of things were your children doing that were really endearing? What kinds of things were they doing that drove you up the wall? What kinds of fights (resistance, back-talk, stalling, tantrums, etc.) were you having with them a year ago? Are you still having those same fights now (or variations on them)? Do you wish you weren't still having those fights? That you could get out of the endless cycle of trying an idea you saw on Instagram, seeing a small change, and backsliding to where you were before? Do you have all the tools you need so that a year from now you can look back and know, without any shadow of a doubt, that things are different now? Today I'm going to introduce you to several parents who have made exactly this shift, and a framework you can use to make it for yourself.

Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people? Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"? When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person? If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame. Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee. That's not to say that Dee never struggles - far from it. But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of 'right'-ness about her. If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met. How did this happen? What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don't experience shame? In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us. If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you're ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you'll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership. We don't just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!). We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives. Enrollment opens in just a few days, on Wednesday May 5th - click here to learn more about the membership.

Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them? And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well. In this episode I'll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes...and in that time, they've become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives. If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I'd love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met. Enrollment opens very soon, between May 5-15. And if you'd like to get just a little taste for how the membership works then I'd love to see you in the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop. You can take the FlexPath option anytime for just $7, or join me for the FREE Guided Path option where you'll get one module of content every day for eight days starting this Wednesday April 24th. You'll meet an awesome community of parents whose approach to parenting is aligned with yours, and you can add five group coaching calls with me for just $37, which is the cheapest rate you'll find parenting coaching anywhere. We'll start to develop the same kind of community that you'll hear about in this episode. Jump to Highlights 01:43 Introducing today's episode 03:19 The Parenting Membership features ACTion groups that meet weekly, offering valuable support and insights into effective parenting strategies.  04:50 The ACTion Group is about parents coming together weekly to share their parenting progress, challenges, and goals in a supportive and accountable environment. 19:21 The ACTion Group's collaborative problem-solving and support for parent Rachel's challenge with her son were showcased, emphasizing a collective effort in addressing parenting difficulties. 26:54 The ACTion Group supports Beth in addressing her holiday break challenge and need for rest, fostering solutions and self-awareness. 33:13 The ACTion Group helps Peju integrate changes by realizing the importance of apologizing to her son and holding herself accountable to her family values. 39:40 The Action Group explored Jody's challenges with his parents, highlighting the shift towards acceptance instead of forgiveness, leading to a...

Do you ever fight with your partner? Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting? (Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.) And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula: Child misbehaves. Parent A gets overwhelmed, criticizes the child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help. Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this is contempt. Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They're being defensive. Parent B stonewalls - they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue. Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve. If your fights look like this, I'm here to let you know that there is hope! Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training. The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple's therapy. Drs. John & Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - you saw all of them in the example above. How many of the Horsemen show up in your fights? (Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive. Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.) If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today's episode will show you how to do that.

Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see? When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today... When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it... When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)... When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging 'reminders' from you... Wouldn't it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you're asking without you having to ask again??? But here's the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: "I don't care why you don't want to do this thing; I just want you to do it." If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it 'emotional abuse.' So why do we do it to our children? Because it seems like we don't have another option to get through the day. We actually have many other options; it's just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance. In today's episode, I'll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them). And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the FREE Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop. We get started on the content on Wednesday April 24 but when you join early you can come and ask me your questions in our private community, get extra Live sessions, and extra chances to win cool prizes. Click the image below to learn more and sign up! Other episodes mentioned:182: How to get frustrating behaviors to stop193: You don't have to believe everything you think200: Ask Alvin Anything Part 1Jump to Highlights:00:52Introducing today's topic02:32Invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop11:08The number 3 reason why setting limits is so hard 12:58The importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding in parent-child interactions, highlighting scenarios where setting limits may not always be the most effective solution25:04The number 2 reason why it's hard to set limits 26:02Setting limits and respecting a child's autonomy, advocating for a

Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen!

It can be really hard to see what's happening in our struggles with our children. They refuse to go to bed at bedtime; we're at home alone all day with a baby who doesn't like being put down, and our older child who is now being aggressive, and there's no time for us to even take a shower, and maybe it seems like everyone around us is judging our parenting choices. In this very different episode you're going to hear from parents who are in exactly these kinds of situations, and who joined me for a group coaching call to talk through them. We worked through a role play with one parent, Meagan, and then we saw how the same process could apply to lots of other different kinds of situations. Several of the parents who joined the call were kind enough to record messages after the call letting me know how the experience was for them, and with their permission I've included these recordings in the episode as well. So if you're struggling to find your groove as a parent; if you're struggling to find yourself, this episode will help. And if you'd like to join coaching calls with me that are just like this one, I'd invite you to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop that's coming up very soon. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. You can enroll in the Setting Limits workshop with our Guided Path, receiving one email per day for 10 days starting Wednesday, April 24th (with the weekend off in the middle). It's completely free to get the content and access to our private online community, although the content does expire at the end of the workshop for the free version. For just $37 you can upgrade to the Full Experience, where you can revisit the content whenever you like, and also get five group coaching calls with me over the 10 days, and those calls will look very much like the call you're about to listen to or watch in this episode. Click the banner to learn more:

I have to admit, I'm a bit scared to say it… The P-word… “Patriarchy.”(Phew!  I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear. I've spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over. There's some sadness there for me, for sure. Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well.  And that's not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life. I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood.  He said ‘no,' and ended the conversation.  She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn't know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn't even realize he's missing it.” We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there's not a lot we can do about it.  After all, isn't the man the one who really needs to change? Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she'd been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life.  We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is! Iris and I discuss: The power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn't possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women's pregnancies in the United States as well right now too...) How she sees herself catering to her husband's needs - adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even if she preferred something different; perceiving that he expects her to do more than half of the household, even though neither of them works for income; Patriarchal messages that are being passed on to her daughter about the value of marriage, children, and meeting men's needs. Even though she's no longer in the Philippines, Iris still sees patriarchy in her relationship with her husband and daughter. She even sees how it hurts her husband, who is looked down upon in our culture because he doesn't present in a typically 'masculine' way. She shares the practices she's using to pass on different messages to her daughter about a woman's role in a family and in the world. But I don't think we should only have these kinds of conversations with our daughters.  We should also talk with our boys about their feelings, and encourage them to fully experience their pain, hurt, and joy, and teach them that it's OK to care about other people and not be an island that feels no pain and never cries.

Sara has always tried really hard to not just be a good parent, but a really good parent. The best parent. (When I coached her and her partner recently to create some content for the Parenting Membership that you'll hear more about in a few weeks, her partner said to her: You hold everyone else to a high standard. You hold yourself to a higher standard.) Sara put a lot of pressure on herself, and this was even harder because she she didn't have the most amazing parental role models. They often fought in front of Sara and her sibling (with insults and name calling a regular part of the mix), and they didn't repair afterward. The difficult communication between parents extended to the children as well - Sara started to fight back when she was spanked, which escalated to physical fights as she got older. If she tried to talk with her Mom about previous incidents then her Mom would make out that she was the victim, while her Dad would whiz her down to Baskin Robbins for ice cream to win back her love. Sara withdrew, stopped sharing anything with her parents and isolated herself in her room - devouring books and the all the things on the early days of the internet. So when she became a parent, it's not surprising she felt triggered! Conflict abounded! Conflict with her partner, and with her children - she knew how she WANTED to navigate it (in a way that modeled healthy conflict for her children), but how could she do that when she had no idea how? We talk about conflict in this episode, and we also talk about needs. It turns out that Sara had needs (who knew!) and when she started to identify and meet them, the magic happened. Spending time doing things for herself, to meet her need for creativity, created time to spend with her husband and children. ...

Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience. It was a beautiful event (eventually we'll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Candada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat. This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn't know it was going to be an episode beforehand - I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode. I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn't able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode. I've also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily - click the button below to download it.

Listener Roberta submitted a question recently on YourParentingMojo.com/question: What does the research say are the decisions that really matter in parenting? That question immediately got my brain churning about what could be included, and how we would decide what to include, and how much of what's included could actually be research-based. The episode begins with a look at some of the major categories of factors that impact our children's development that we may not have as much control over, because we have to acknowledge these before we can look at what we do impact. Then I look at some of the things we do control but I think we can pretty safely stop worrying about them. The impact that each of these things has is likely to be so tiny as to individually meaningless. Finally, I count down my list of the top 5 things that I think impact children's development.

My mom died when I was 10, and for a while people in our small village would look at my sister and me as if we were 'special' in some weird way. By the time I was a young adult that was just one of a stew of difficult experiences I'd had, and I also realized: my stuff is not special. By that age, most people are carrying around some kind of trauma. But so what? Does it matter? If our mental health is good enough, does it help to wallow around in all the stuff that's in the past? In this episode we talk with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, who has pioneered the connections between these kinds of Adverse Childhood Experiences and medical care for children, as well as Jackie Thu-Huong Wong, Executive Director of First 5 California. We'll learn: What is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE); How ACEs can influence not only our physical but our mental health as well; What we know about the protective effects of relationships with caring adults Dr. Burke Harris' opinions of the 'best' authoritative parenting style; A new feature in our episodes: mild, medium, and spicy options for parents who want to dip their toe into the water on this topic, or dive more deeply. Taming Your Triggers Still feeling uncertain about the impact of childhood experiences on your parenting journey? If you need more help, the Taming Your Triggers Workshop is here for you. Discover why you react strongly to your child's behavior, heal past hurts that trigger your feelings, and develop skills to understand and meet your needs-- AND your child's needs. Let's transform your parenting journey from frustration to confidence! Join the waitlist and we'll notify you as soon as we reopen.   Episode mentioned 148: Is spanking a child really so bad? Jump to Highlights 01:26 Introducing today's topic and guests 04:20 Clarifying the concept of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and their origin 06:37 Discussing how Dr. Burke Harris's research expanded the...

When Carys was about three, I forced a dropper of antibiotics into her mouth to just get her to take it, so she would start to feel better. We were both tired and hangry and I didn't see another path forward, when she was refusing something that I knew would help her. What other choice did I have? My husband did see another path when he arrived home later that evening, and before she went to bed she willingly took a full dose of the medicine. These kinds of situations come up often in parenting: where we're trying to get our child to do something, perhaps even for their own health and safety, and they refuse. It can seem like the only path forward is to force them against their will - after all, we are doing this for their own good, right? But what if there was another way to make these things happen that met your child's needs for autonomy over their own bodies, and also met your needs for peace and ease and harmony and protection of their health and safety? ...