Members of the world's first Professional Game Show Team discuss strategy, etiquette and how to be the best at every game show imaginable by any means necessary.
*stumbles out of a cave squinting into the light of day* How long has it been? What year is it?? The new Pope is from Chicago?!?! Wow, we sure have a lot to catch up on, but lets start with the most important thing. Game shows have somehow found yet another way to confuse and dissapoint us. Just when we think we have seen it all, Mr. Beast - the modern day equivilant of a wealthy emperor who throws money at the poor for his amusement - has created a game show where he basically throws money at the poor for his amusement. It's time to force ourselves to learn about Gen Z's favorite exploitative stunt based content creator, and find a way to exploit his game show for our own gain. Zach has proudly never seen Squid Game, Jared insists that satire is dead, and Adam wants the new pope to eat a sloppy hot dog. Talking Points Include: Our Longest Unintentional Break, New Chicago Pope, Who Knows Most About Mr. Beast, No Bathroom Breaks, Take the 4th Bribe, Beast Crust, Carl Knows Nothing
We've been doing a lot of newer, shinier, well polished game shows lately. Now depending on who you ask, that could be a good thing or a bad thing. Sure, modern day streaming services offer a sort of quality guarantee with the programs they include - but only on YouTube will you be able to find a VHS quality recording of Ahmad Rashad and a Roman Centurion hosting a word jumble themed game show at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. So now that we know that that existed, there's nothing left for us to do but rob them blind. Zach does a live word jumble, Jared rekindles our old obsession, and Adam is marveled by slot machine themes. Talking Points Include: Big Dog Fever, Pine Wood Derby, Iditarod Wishes, Centurion of the Week, Ziggy Game Show, Jurassic Park Slots, Dino Racing, Rejected Addams Family Names, Casino Martial Law
Hello dear listeners! We're back after a longer than usual holiday hiatus, and this episode you're in for a real treat. Oh, no it isn't a good game show. Statistically those don't actually exist. No, this episode we are going to rage out on the set of beloved sitcom Friends and break everything in Monica's apartment. Isn't that just such a better idea than actually trying to win this game show? We think so too. Zach met himself from the future, Jared soft launches a new segment about local goverenment, and Adam asserts that there are statistically zero good game shows. Talking Points Include: Santa's Vacation Schedule, Municipal Roundup, The Adam Experience, Gunter Took Our Jobs, Joey is The Frasier of Friends, Squatters Rights in Monica's Apartment, The Bazinga Boys
Happy Holiday everyone! We truly hope that you and the friends and family that you spend this time of the year with are happy and healthy - celebrating the true meaning of the holidays. But maybe you are not... Maybe you're celebrating with someone who has lost sight of the reason for the season. Someone who needs their statis quo disrupted in order to appreciate what they really have. If that's the case, you better watch out, because there's a new holiday icon in town. A real, tangible pig who would love nothing more than to absolutely decimate your misguided holiday celebration. Keep an eye out for slop on your stoop - for it heralds the coming of the one and only Yule Hog. Zach misunderstands the vampires' curse, Jared introduces a new original holiday character, and Adam reasserts his jaded view on fireworks. Talking Points Include: A Personal Jacob Marley, Polar Bear Self Defense, Slop on the Stoop, Pandemic Vibes, Angry Birds Game Show, 1/4 of July, Dracula Can't Have Cheese, Christmas Rocket Applications, We Blast Off Again
Well folks, we've once again gone straight from Snake Day into the winter holiday celebrations, but thats just how the holiday calander shakes out sometimes. But let's not let that proximity get in the way of us fully diving into the holiday season with the most sickeningly Christmas steeped game show we may have ever done. Thats right, a Christmas themed competition game show produced BY Hallmark, FOR the Hallmark channel, with the prize being a STARING ROLL in a Hallmark Christmas movie. If you weren't in the Christmas spirit before, you best bet your baubles that you're about to be! Zach becomes Quasimodo, Jared lives truthfully under imaginary circumstances, and Adam leans into living alone. Talking Points Include: Our Most Popular Topic, The Harry Potter Attractiveness Scale, No Skinny Hagrids, The Eddie Episodes, Nothing but a Guitar, Ten of One Man, Yet Another Barbra Jean Appearance, An Intense Feedback Loop, Finding our Ember of Interest, Is it Cookie?
It may be because we have had to watch seven of these movies, seven years in a row. It may be because we put it off for so long that we had to watch it during Thanksgiving instead of in October. It may just be the way the series goes. But this may truly have been the worst Saw movie we have experienced so far. Not only that, but at this point the traps are so avoidable we don't even have to spend much time strategizing. That way we have more time to misremember the plots of all the previous movies and complain about how we hate the one we just watched. And isn't that really what you come here for? Zach predicts Scrooge will be involved, Jared predicts piranhas will be involved, and Adam isn't allowed to predict because he's seen the movie already. Talking Points Include: Toad vs Cartman vs Jay Leno, An Extremely Late Snake Day Celebration, Jokes We Could Have Told, Attempting to Remember Saw Lore, Story and Trap Predictions, Cary Elwes' Lawsuit, A Clumsy Recap, Tobin Bell the Cool Teen, The True Alpha Male, Jigsaw Gets Woke, Our Future With Saw
Welcome back to another installment in our Snake With Big Teeth 2024 celebration. This time we watched a game show where literally nothing happens. Like, truly... nothing. So get ready for an episode that is half discussing the extended universe of Sonic the Hedgehog and half discussing Shakespeare's timeless classic Hamlet. Do we blur the lines between those two worlds? You'll have to listen to find out! (But I mean, yeah. Of course we do.) Zach liked Ghost Whisperer for the plot, Jared adds a new Haunted House Rule™, and Adam is definitely Tails. Talking Points Include: What Happened To Knuckles, Halloween Costumes, Fifteen Minutes of Silence, Top Ghost Complaints, Return of Jared's Haunted House Rules, All of Les Mis, A Chance to Shoot Our Spec Script, It Can't Be Happy's Place, Hamlet Live Commentary
The Traitors - It's a hit new reality game show. Not just that, at it's core it is a classic party game we have all played. Call it mafia, call it werewolf - everyone knows it and everyone thinks they're good at it. But what have people forgotten? That's right, the classic 1997 film Mouse Hunt. Against all odds that mouse comes out on top, and when everyone else forgets, we harvest top notch strategy to implement at Alan Cumming's stately Scottish castle. Zach has new finger bling, Jared still really wants to celebrate the solstices, and Adam is angry about reality stars. Talking Points Include: The Wedding Finger, Fighting Frollo, Snake With Big Teeth, How Many Saws are Left, The Oldest Party Game, Yearning for a Thick Werewolf, The Don't Ask Don't Tell Strategy, The Mouse Hunt Strategy, Dentist Cam
Sometimes game shows are just easy to cheat at. Like, truly so easy that it would be more difficult to not do so. Like, I'm serious guys, there would be absolutely no chance that anyone invovled in the game show would be able to catch us, let alone prove that we had cheated. This one's an absolute gimmie. But dammit if we're not gonna basically ignore that fact entirely and come up with a convoluted way of getting Santa to pose as our dad instead. Zach insists he knows intimite secrets about Santa, Jared lets us into his mind palace, and Adam has an encounter that leaves him a changed man. Talking Points Include: An Endorsement From Young Sheldon, Bachelor Party Recap, Spike TV's Dark Desires, Defining a Band, Dissapointing Informed Delivery, Smokey The Slut, An Inception Break, Santa X FDR, Mr. The Penguin, Jared's Mind Bench
There are numerous ways we could approach a game show where we have to run around searching for illustrations of wacky characters. We could create a bunch of our own illustrations and sneak them into the lineup. We could mark the answers with invisible ink you can only see under a blacklight. Hell, we could just study with flashcards. But don't work, Zach is just gonna win this one for us. Haven't you heard? He's really good at finding things. Just trust him. Zach is an older 29, Jared is the oldest 29 , and Adam is the youngest 29. Talking Points Include: The Oldest Age There Is, Snowden vs Assange, The Anatomy of Slimer, The Coolest Names, A 31 Year Old 17 Year Old, S**t Mysteries, The Principals' Punishment, Our New OCs, Adult Scavenger Hunts
There are two things we've learned from the sales of modern art in recent years. The first is a piece of art is only as valuable as the amount a buyer is willing to pay for it. The second is if someone takes a bite out of the art it's value skyrockets. With that knowledge - we're about to make one lucky 8 year old an extremely sought after artist. Zach thinks modern kids are just little adults, Jared has thoughts about The Emperor's New Clothes, and Adam searches for a game show that will make him feel. Talking Points Include: Reba's Return to TV, PewDiePie the Kaiju, TaterTot vs Young Sheldon, Summer of Summers, Guernica Cake, Kids Know Broccoli, Naming Mythical Creatures, Benefits of Eating Gold, The President's New Clothes, Art Stunts
Maybe it's because we're busy and our minds are cluttered. Maybe it's because we haven't recorded in a while and we're out of practice. Maybe it's because this game really is just that basic and easy and doesn't deserve our full brand of shenanigans. Regardless, this one we're just gonna win. No real plan necessary. Now let's get back to pitching our brand new talk show to Game Show Network - sponsored by FanDuel, ChapStick, and Hot Tubs. Zach uses chapstick in a unique way, Jared wants Optimus Prime to go solo, and Adam gets way too hung up on thumbs. Talking Points Include: This Story Has a Story, Zach's New Audio-Ruining Prop, The Gold Bond Challenge, Wiping East to West, Timothy Goggins, Our GSN Talk Show Pitch, Holographic Performers, Ryan Hospital, Show Me Your Thumbs
On a modern game show it can be easy to become distracted by all the sleek prizes, the flashy gimmicks, and the sometimes charismatic hosts. This time we can't let those distractions deter us. Sure, we could maybe make it out of this one with a bunch of money and prizes to take home, but the real prize is hidden in plain sight - on a flash drive hanging around Damon Wayans Jr's neck. Thats right, Scary Movie 7. The world needs to see it. Zach took a vacation for the first time ever, Jared thinks we've become jaded, and Adam has an amazing record as a matchmaker. Talking Points Include: ProCo Vacation, Bergeron Boys, A Bone Saw Type Antagonist, Secrets of Nic Cage's Haunted House, Suits Clips, Bartering at Safelife, At Home Services, The Whole World's The Cage, Scary Movie 7
Blake Shelton is out here making a game show that is basically a commercial for his Nashville bar, where the booze is always flowing and the vibes are great. Well the Professional Contestants are gonna call you on that one, Blake. Be careful what you wish for because by the time we're done, your bar is gonna look like the aftermath of a Project X and your comically large medals will be nowhere to be seen. Zach's favorite bar game is "Get double crossed by that scary guy in the cave," Jared's favorite bar game is "Fake your death and show up at your own funeral," and Adam's favorite bar game is "Carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain." Talking Points Include: Road House '24, Ron DeSantis vs Public Libraries, Pointless Scoring System, Mark Cuban the BeatBox Guy, Slap The Bag 2.0, Slippery Stairs, Don't Piss Off Gwen, Most Likely to Drink On Set
Ok, we get it. Maybe we can't just climb into an aquarium and expect to automatically win a bunch of random chance games against some fish. But what if we make ourselves really tiny first? And what if one of us is scuba certified? And what if we get an octopus involved? It probably still wont work, yeah, WE KNOW. At least eating the other contestants isn't explicitly off the table this time. Zach is tickled by the idea of a fish naming another fish, Jared reminds everyone that he is scuba certified, and Adam can't imagine Godzilla running. Talking Points Include: All Hail The King, Godzilla Plus One, Getting Called Out Via Mail, A Televised Screen Saver, Mr. Limpet's Diplomatic Immunity, Dexterous Lips, Feeding Frenzy Friday, A Reverse Shawshank, Two Little Jareds
We love the Queer Eye guys. The things they do to change peoples' lives for the better is pretty great. But if you ask us, it's time for a change. This time, the strong man, the bearded lady, the lion tamer, the clowns, and the ring leader are coming to town. They're here to tell you that you have a gross body and shoot you out of a cannon. All things just keep getting better! Zach is afraid of corn specifically, Jared would pay money to see Joe Biden get shot out of a cannon, and Adam is certified to operate heavy machinery. Talking Points Include: Forklift Certification, Corn of the Corn, Fish Center, A Severe Lack of Fluff, Anti-Host, True False or Something Else, Fixing the Winter Warlock's Gross Body, The Yassification of William H Basset
Shaquille O'Neal is a man who thinks highly of himself. So much so that he created a television show dedicated to him challenging the world's best individuals in every field to competitions in their area of expertise. He rarely, if ever emerges victorious, but we still think he needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Watch out Shaq, The Professional Contestants are about to give you a taste of your own medicine. Zach will beat Shaq in an acting competition, Jared will beat Shaq in a graduate school competetion, and Adam will beat Shaq in a DJing competition. Talking Points Include: Inside Inside The NBA, St. Patricks Plans, Corned Beef Confusion, Tough Love, EDM Subgenres, The Crimes of Penn Jillette, An Educational Program, Channeling Shaq Energy, Roku Game Genie, A State Farm Identity Crisis
When it comes to music trivia, it's safe to say we know a thing or two, and we know more than just current pop music. For example, did you know that way back when the pop charts first started, the first song to top two charts simultaniously was the mega hit "Banging Hot Rocks?" It was number one on both Cave Man Hits and Top Iguana Tracks. The more you know, huh? Zach has never seen a Minion, Jared knows more than one Chumbawamba song, and Adam knowingly burned a CD full of bad songs. Talking Points Include: The Future of Young Sheldon, Gru Is The Dad, One Big Tom Sawyer, Rock Smash, Randy Jackson and The Doofuses, DJ Charles Xavier, Iguana, Beating Mario Twice, Chumbas Drink Free, Bangin Hot Rocks
We here at Professional Contestants aren't exactly what you would call entrepreneurs. We don't claim to be amazing at identifying products with potential and investing in them. But if we have learned anything from reality tv show judges like Mark Cuban, Simon Cowell, and Gordon Ramsay, it's that being mean to the person presenting to us will definitely get us somewhere. Good thing this game show is much more like a realilty show than it is like actual investing. Zach made a globally recognised NCAA PowerPoint, Jared is your go to guy to take a dive, and Adam used to be super into infomercials. Talking Points Include: Talking Points Include: The Big Long Most Dangerous Game, Podcast Betting, NFL Field Day, Tarzan F*** Tarzan, Our Best Risky Buys, Aspirational Eggs, Mark Cuban Tooth Necklace, It's Mean But It Works
If you had to convince someone that you were an expert in something, what would it be? Something broad like "musicians?" Maybe something very specific like "Celebrities on The Simpsons?" What about something unapproachable like "The Golden Age of The Ottoman Empire?"All good ideas, but our tastes lay more along the lines of "That Witch Who Cursed Me and Turned Me Into a Frog." Will you kiss us and make us a prince? Zach is an expert in Magnum, P.I., Jared is an expert in The New Deal, and Adam is an expert in Spongebob Characters. Talking Points Include: New Year Resolutions, SkyHook Revisited, Oink Yoinkers, What Are Nails, An Expert In Kicking Your Ass, Weaponized Double Entendre, What's In My Pocket, Not While I'm Pouring
When you have been creating game show strategies as long as we have, you begin to realize that sometimes its best to play to your strengths. But who would have thought that one of our strengths would be a deep knowledge of the powers associated with The Flash, including how to give someone those powers? As it turns out, it's quite easy to become a Flash. So easy in fact, that even the founding fathers were doing it. Zach reasserts his love for when people fall down, Jared knows a whole lot about Flash, and Adam deosn't believe in Ben Franklin's exploits. Talking Points Include: Yoink Me Sky Daddy, Jackass Origins, YouTube Game Show Archives, How Big is Piglett, Flowers for Flash, Ben Franklin's Delusional Schemes, Dont Touch My AllSpark
Let me start this off by admitting that we have made a mistake. When finding game shows to watch for this podcast we tend to avoid ones that are just trivia questions and ones that are already specifically comedic. Folks, this one is both. However, it does have one unique thing going for it. All the questions are about current events. And sure, we may not keep up with pop culture too closely, but what if we, ourselves, were able to create the 36 biggest headlines of the year? It would sure make remembering them a lot easier. Zach hotboxes his body with farts, Jared has the high score on Sneak King, and Adam adjudicates acceptible double hat scenarios. Talking Points Include: High Fantasy, Our New King of Sleep, Brittish Purge, Hat on a Hat, Osmosis Jones, Nose Farts, Five Good Dunks, Twelve Disguises Each, Royal Family What If
Wow everyone. We are truly getting a once in a lifetime experience with this game show. The chance to be at Disney World, in the Magic Kingdom, after hours. Just us and our friend Mickey Mouse and OH NO SOME EVIL QUEENS?!? Everyone! Quick! Focus on stopping these bad queens from stealing all of the holiday magic from the world! Don't worry about where Mickey is or what he is putting in his car. He is MICKEY after all, he's allowed to be doing that. Zach thought Disney owned the United Kingdom, Jared needs to clarify that this goat is NOT Rob Lowe, and Adam insists Mickey can go anywhere. Talking Points Include: Creating an Anti-Sex Villian, The Scratisphere, Milf-eficent, Is Santa Christian, Disney Adults, A Magic Kingdom Heist, Illicit Memorabilia, Mickey Is Allowed
Every year, Scout Elves appear in the homes of children to watch them, determine if they're naughty or nice, and report back to Santa. At least that's what parents want them to think. We three full grown Professional Contestants know better, and we also know how to leverage the same tactics against our opponents in this "sweet making" competition. You better watch out, you bette not cry, because this elf is a saint and your sins WILL be judged. Zach is confounded by Catholicism, Jared got Grinched, and Adam really hates these elves. Talking Points Include: Christmas Caper Turned Holiday Heist, Sweet Makers, The Elfs' Arbitrary Rules, Throat Blessings, Saint Dog, Saint Elf, Saint Julian Assange
For years, game show producers have been asking the same question over and over: How can I make a boring game interesting for people to watch on television. Like Bingo, for example. Can it make a good game show? As it turns out, no. But if you make it colorful, musical, bilingual, and add a charming host and some salsa dancers you sure can come close. Zach had a perverse Spotify Wrapped, Jared didn't know people could play multiple instruments, and Adam wants Raven Simone in Smash Brothers. Talking Points Include: A Big Captain Jack Year, Sad Movie Talk, Kong In Charge, Game Shows Oompa Loompas, TikTok Live, Grinch Turned Off Body Cam, The Monty Hall Problem, Cheating At Bingo, Groundhog Day Meets National Treasure
Happy belated Snake Day everyone! We once again will be celebrating the only way we know how, by submitting ourselves to the next horrible installment of the Saw franchise. Will Zach pay enough attention to remember the plot of the movie at all? Will Jared be unnecessarily mean to Tobin Bell's performance? Will Adam be able to hide the fact that he actually likes these movies a little bit? Tune in to our sixth installment to find out! Zach skipped part of the movie, Jared has some Oogie Boogie related questions, and Adam remembers the extended plot of Saw way too well. Talking Points Include: A 4DX Experience, Attempting to Summarize Saw, Tobin Bell's Masked Singer, Trap By Trap Breakdown, The Dog Pound, Saw is Becoming Predictable, Jigsaw Family Feud, Importance of Flexibility, A Meta Saw Finale
Picture this. Halloween night is quickly approaching. You are hard at work getting together your costume and want to make sure you have the best possible plans to show it off. You're struggling to find the right event, and then you get the email. You're invited. Frankenstein's birthday. DM for address. What would you do to make it to that party? Answer: absolutely anything. Zach trusts Fester to go get ice, Jared pushes for a Frasier reboot with Dracula, and Adam wants watermellon. Talking Points Include: I Want Watermellon, Mail Corner, Mr. Peabody's March To The Sea, Creepy House/PeePee House, Mount Rushmore of Spooky Figures, Come for Frankenstein Stay for Fester, Frank's Place, Can I Be Frank?, Frankenstein's Presidential Pardon
I think it's safe to say that many CEOs of big companies have daddy issues, and if Inception has taught us anything, it's that by exploiting those daddy issues, you can get said CEO to give up their company. All we need to do is adapt it for our situation. Get rid of all the dream stuff, add a hyper realistic puppet of Jim Henson, maybe a little bit of Leo Dicaprio in a bear suit to boot, and before you know it we'll be the puppet master CEOs of Jim Henson's Creature Shop! Zach insists the Hardy Boys will lead us to victory, Jared thinks Banksy is Gonzo, and Adam wants to do an Ernie. Talking Points Include: Real No Water Emergen-C, Veto Veto Veto, Enjoying The Spooky Season, We Love Puppeteers, First Idea Worst Idea, The First Ever Inside Kiss, Henson Inception, An Exclusive Reveal of Banksy's Identity, The Muppets Do A Manhattan Project
We have once again returned, dear listener, to the time of the year where we celebrate all of the scariest things that game shows have to offer. This year we have definitely stepped it up a notch, because what's scarier than ghosts, skeletons, zombies, or any other traditional Halloween monster? Being naked in the jungle with a stranger for 21 days, of course. Zach wants to King Louie, Jared wants to Shere Kahn, and Adam wants to Kaa. Talking Points Include: Stop On In For A Broom, Bathe For This, A Dora Style Map, Go Go Gadget Corkscrew Dick, The Blade Cave, Jane Goodall's Moving Company, Lo-fi Kaa
Time of death, approximately 7:34 pm. I saw the carnage right there on the television screen. What was once a beautiful intact word had been all jumbled up into a mess of letters, almost unrecognisable from it's original form. But don't you worry, The Unjumblers are on the case. We're gonna find whoever jumbled up these poor words and bring them to justice. Zach has some great Mario Lopez jokes, Jared wants to avoid jury duty, and Adam hates looping TikToks. Talking Points Include: Swarming The Capital, Bees Your Honor, Now Thats What I Call Scootie, Wordle The Game Show, This Meeting Could Have Been A Quibi, Dada for the Digital Age, The Unjumblers, Riddle Me This, Between The Lions
I think we can all agree that one of the worst places for unexpected shenanigans to occur is on an airplane, ESPECIALLY one that is mid flight. So leave it to our old pal Mark L. Walberg to do that exact thing via a game show that should be a crime against humanity. Well, if he can do it, so can we. Our game show's rules are much simpler though: give us $500 or Jared will make the one bathroom on this plane absolutely unusable. Zach dislikes TSA PreCheck, Jared is capable of ruining an airplane bathroom, and Adam's sleep paralsys demon is Lori Lightfoot. Talking Points Include: An Incident in Adam's Bed, Trapping the Meatball Man, Game Show Terrorism, Airplane Etiquette, TSA PreCheck, Sky Law, Give Us The Money, Chili's Three, 2 Fast 2 Dunkin
Picture this. You're feeling cozy. Like, REALLY cozy. Like, on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, watching your favorite tv show on a cold day cozy. But you're hungry. Like, REALLY hungry. Suddenly, the smell of chocolate chip pancakes wafts in from the other room. Are you getting up to eat those pancakes? Thats right, we know you are. And that's why you'll never beat Jared's world record for coziest boy. Zach is going for the world record in tv shows memorized, Jared is going for the world record in coziest boy, and Adam is going for the world record in Tetris using a drum set as a controller. Talking Points Include: Carmella Creeper Joins The Family, Our Personal Cereal Monster Mash, World Record Flops, Believe It Or Not, Records We Can Break, The Cozyayashi Maru, Binge Scorping, Because I Ate A Hawk
Look, not only is this game show uninteresting, but it is also incredibly easy to win. We had to address it eventually, you know our vow! So in lieu of actually talking about this game show, prepare yourself for an hour or so of bits about the moon landing, Anthony Fauci, and Phantom of the Opera X Mad TV. And if you don't think its funny, you're not allowed to cancel us - because it was improv and those are the rules. Zach can't be paid to watch bad improv, Jared has ten minutes of pre Covid Fauci jokes, and Adam insists everyone should have a favorite pen. Talking Points Include: Back to School, F Word Allowance, The Return of June, Neil Armstrong's Post Moon Career, How to Get a Nickname, Anthony "Ant Bully" Fauci, Don't Be Mad if This Isn't Funny, Peanut Butter Mistrial, Gender Neutral Phantom, If I Dropped It
Let's play Balderdash. The topic is 'Ways to make sure someone is telling the truth.' There's truth serum. There's polygraph tests. There's the birthday wish of a child with a pure heart. Two of these are fake, and one is real. I'll give you a second to think... but it's pretty obvious, right? We agree. Now we just need to figure out how to get Young Sheldon to make a Liar Liar birthday wish for us. Zach thinks Kendrick Lamar eats chalk, Jared will fight Kenickie, and Adam won't accept the existance of truth serum. Talking Points Include: Climbing to Lollapalooza, The Shemar Moore Insitiute for Shirtless Crime Solving, Club Cracker Barrel, The Next Pure Soul, Using Our Hall Passes, The Russos of Hazzard, Prime Time Birthday Wish
Please join us in rememberance of this day. For once we have concocted a plan that not only makes sense, but also has a high chance of actually working. All we need is some hydrophobic material and a bunch of Hollywood studio quality squib rigs, Oh, and if the body scanner registers any metal in Jared's pants, don't worry about that. He won that medal honestly at the county fair. Zach creates a new rule of robotics, Jared has a medal for his prize winning hog, and Adam can't commiserate with Magnum P.I. Talking Points Include: Grimace Christ Superstar, Magnum P.I. Fancast, High School Swim Class, Drinking at the Hotel Bar, Ocean City USA, High Slime Ratings, Mr. Clean's False Advertising, Ducks Can't Get Wet, Robot Camera Crew, Lie To Me Makes a Comeback
On most television show sets, if an unexpected vehicle suddenly started driving around, you could rightfully expect production to halt until the issue is resolved. It is chaotic, unscripted, and quite simply a safety hazard. BUT... it is Boston Tony's last day, and he has a hard out at 5pm. It would really be a shame if he had to leave before we called wrap and could properly celebrate. Keep those cameras rolling! We've got a deadline to meet! Zach has strong feelings on the portrayal of Hercule Poirot, Jared has been a blessing on six continents, and Adam finds a new favorite catch phrase. Talking Points Include: Kenneth's New Detective Movie, Sherlock's Think Fighting, Sand Clock, Waiting for Disco, Poetry Space Jam, Vehicles You Can Drink In, Boston Tony Saves the Day
They just don't make kids game shows like they used to... but should they? After some market research, our studies show that kids just don't like slime anymore. However, is this because we just aren't giving them enough of it? In this paper, The Professional Contestants aim to explore how the type and amount of slime used in childrens' entertainment programming directly corresponds to how cringe the slime is perceived. Zach is more imaginative than any child, Jared has a strict criteria for proper slime, and Adam humbles himself before the Las Vegas Ali Talking Points Inlcude: The Big Mysterious Sphere, Humpty's Prowess, Rocky Uses Protection, The Wisdom of Summers, The Right Amount of Slime, Slime Ratings, Tubby Custard, Eating Play-Doh, The Superior Building Toy, 3D Mouth Printer
As sure as the days grow longer and the temperature creeps higher, the Summer of Summers will return to the feed of the Professional Contestants. Once again we find ourselves facing a game show made for childen, that we as grown men are extremely capable of winning. We just need to place our intelect into something that can actually participate in the game. Something like a Boy Bot. A Boisterous Boy Bot. And if he isn't Bashful then he'll Bash the competition. We're sorry. Zach openly dislikes Ryan Seacrest, Jared dreams up a wonderful Itallian story on the spot, and Adam purports to be a maze expert. Talking Points Include: The Summer of Summers, Summer Vibes, Perpetual Consenters, Which Candy Land Character Are You, A Low Slime Rating, Muddy Pokemon Maze, Wheel of Fortune Current Events, Buongiorni the Fruit Vendor, A Non-Bashful Boisterous Boy Bot
Every great spicy wing eating competition consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge." The chef shows you something extremely spicy: a hot wing doused in bright red sauce. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed really, truly, spicy. But of course... it always is. The second act is called "The Turn." The consumer then takes the wing and eats the entire thing. Now you're looking for the discomfort... and you'll find it, because of course this hot sauce is absurd. You want to see them sweat. You want to hear the hiccups. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because eating something spicy isn't enough; you have to keep it down. That's why every spicy wing eating competition has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige." Zach explains his bumpy tongue, Jared will not accept Melissa McCarthy as his Ursula, and Adam once ate spicy wings for medicinal purposes. Talking Points Include: Talking Points Include: The DJ Stylings of Diesel, Flame Protected Milkshakes, Potentially Unnecssary Paramedics, Dirt Identifying Tongue, Picasso's Wing Period, The Prestige Spoilers, The Spiciest Sauce We've Ever Eaten, Wing Bearers
The fog rolls in. The engines rev. You wait in anticipation for the life sized Hot Wheel of your dreams to drive out onto the stage. Slowly, it emerges... Pete Davidson. Sure, you may be dissapointed at first, but this boy is about to transform into either a car or a monkey. Either way, we think that is a good enough idea to earn us $25,000. Anyway, go see Transformers: Monkey Business - only in theaters. Zach owns too many Hot Wheels, Jared loves the tiny Japaneese trucks, and Adam is incensed by the Transformers marketing campaign. Talking Points Include: Alcoholic Sunny D Taste Test, Our Foo Fighters Collaboration, Talents for the Queen, Terry Crews Does a Lot of Nothing, Spoiler Alert, Snape Poops His Pants, The Pinewood Derby, Transformers: Monkey Business, Pete Davidson The Car
Who among us can truly claim to know the innerworkings of a centaur. There has to be some stuff going on in there that we humans cannot even fathom. However, we don't have to understand it to know that those guys would be great at jousting. Horse and man, together as one, cannot be stopped. Now all we have to do is find a witch to turn Jared into one. Zach searches for a local witch, Jared is going to stop half-way through his Animorph, and Adam is Speckles The Horse. Talking Points Include: Losing the Derby, Centaur Anatomy, The Top Model Barn, A Knight's Tale is Real, Horse Memories, Don't Get Tobiased, Horse Potion, A New Bad Pokemon
Masterclass. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Famous experts in their field teach online classes to whoever wants to pay to recieve the knowledge. But why not take it one step further? Let these experts work together to teach entirely new crossover subjects. For example, Clarinet Songs to Gamble To on a Cattle Drive: by Kenny Rodgers, Kenny Loggins, and Kenny G. Or, How to Convince a Canadian Game Show Host You're An Immortal Eldritch God Who Has Seen All of History: by Wishbone, Encino Man, and The Observers from Fringe. Zach is stuck in the sound mixer, Jared is the last place mother's boy, and Adam was fooled by Fringe in 2009. Talking Points Include: A Mother's Day Masterclass, Not Enough Hacker, Top Gun: Moo-verick, Christ Time, Wishbone's Time Travel, Man Made Caves, A Three Pronged Attack, Our Historical Trademark Pose, Hang In There Baby
You don't have to be married to play along with a "Newlywed Game" type of competition. You don't even have to be dating. You could just be two friends who know a lot about each other and want to test that knowledge. Hell, you could both be Batman and all of your answers are just about how you have Alfred do everything for you. Whats that? Did I lose you on that one? Doesn't matter, now give me my iPod shuffle and get these spaghetti stains out of my bat suit. Zach dreams up a new Luther Vandross single, , Jared got passed over for the moon expedition, and Adam quizzes Zach and Jared in The Newlywed Game. Talking Points Include: A is for Armstrong, Cameos for Space Travel, Earn Every Kiss, 90s Taco Bell Ass, Baby Bear The Cook, GruelHaus, The Dracula Response, Whatever Alfred Gives Us
Not all game shows are kooky, over the top, wild rides, ok? We love a silly show as much as you do, but we did make an oath to conquer EVERY game show, and that includes the ones that are just charades. Like, seriously. This one is just charades. But just because this show is entirely a bad party game, that doesn't mean we can't get the newly crowned King of England and some monster trucks involved. Zach wants hot dogs at his coronation, Jared wants a suckling pig at his coronation, and Adam wants a water slide at his coronation. Talking Points Include: The Capn's 60th, Jimathor Buckets, Squantum Lipa, Dirty Nasty Water Foul, Honey I Shrunk The King, Operation Golden Orb, Coronation Cookout With Katy Perry, The Fattest Rabbit Wins, Monster Chuck
As usual, in this episode we go on quite a few tangents involving tornados, curds and whey, chili five ways, etc. However, this time I want to really make sure you all understand that those silly side bars do not detract from the severity of the situation that Jared finds himself in. He really needs your help, PLEASE give him the answers to this game show. His aunt has the Gom Jabbar held right up to his neck. She has killed before, and she WILL kill again! Zach believes he can eat a gargantuan amount of cottage cheese, Jared doubts the perseverance of fast food chili, and Adam edits out all of the moos. Talking Points Include: Our Cool Stunts, Genuine Cows in the Studio, Midwest Tornado Culture, A Modern Miss Muffet, Oh Yeah We've Got Chili, A Two Toilet Dunkie, The Ganja Bar, I Space Believe It's Not Butter
We, the Professional Contestants, have taken an oath to find a way to win every game show ever. You know this. We know this. Yet somehow we still find ourselves blindsided by the occasional very bad, very old, very cursed by a mummy game show. You would think we'd have learned by now. Why am I bringing this up now? No reason... Anyway, here's Haggis Baggis. Zach wins the Best Joke of the Podcast award, Jared finds Albert Einstein to be entertaining, and Adam delves into some Norse history. Talking Points Include: Hanukkah Speedrun, Fish Math, Git-R-Done In Alaska, The Game Show Mummy Curse, Haggis Baggis Etymology, We Don't Know George Burns, Old People Chicken Dinner Preview
We here at Professional Contestants are on the cutting edge of technology, infrastructure, and innovation. Through our unique outlook on the world, we are able to dream up concepts that others' minds are unable to achieve. Now... yes this one does happen to just be a 300 mile long toaster, but we really think it's gonna change the world! Zach explains why comedy is funny, Jared really loves a Mr. Peanut joke, and Adam comes up with a groundbreaking new mode of transportation. Talking Points Include: Three Exotic Trips, Humanity Runs on Dunkin, Bergeron-ing Comedians, Designing the Next Great Vehicle, Conveyor Belt Pirates, It's A Bagel Cooker!, Doula Breathing, What We WONT Do to Win, eBaum's World Lives
I KNOW we say this often but this game show really could be solved with a Rumpelstiltskin themed plan! Then again it could be a Macduff plan. Or a Little Man plan. Or a Rip Van Winkle plan. Or even a secret twins plan. You're confused, I get it, but this mistake of a game show requires some real lateral thinking if we are gonna steal $10,000 from a newborn baby. Zach poorly describes how a c section works, Jared eagerly awaits the return of the woolly mammoth, and Adam gets a phone call. Talking Points Include: Sauna Techniques, An Emergency Phone Call, Old Man Fantasys, Ambush Game Shows, Financially Literate Tarzan, The TLC Show Game, Kate vs. Kramer, A Rumpelstiltskin Situation, A Rip Van Winkle Situation, A Little Man Situation
Listen up everyone! Don't be alarmed, but we are going to do some sins in this one. Nothing too crazy - just the fun ones. It's ok, sometimes it's necessary to do bad things in order to, in the long run, do good things... like win money on a game show. That's what life is really all about, right? Zach is great at guessing the seven heavenly virtues, Jared wants a Mamma Mia, and Adam pretends to know what poppers are. Talking Points Include: Finding Meaning in Our Dreams, Last Minute Officiant, The Sin Bin, Renaming Planets, Snake Drugs, Doing All the Fun Sins, The Seven Opposite Sins
Once a year you may find yourself looking at the sky and you'll notice that all the stars have gone. Well that's because they're all down here with us... but they're at the Golden Globes or the Oscars or something. They're DEFINITELY not at this boring basement house party that the USA Network filmed and called a game show. But with a little help from these three party boys, we just may be able to make this party a hit. Zach won a regional community theatre award, Jared claims he ate an olive, and Adam hasn't seen East of Eden. Talking Points Include: The Stars Are Here With Us, The Jackie Chan Award, Click Clack Moo, Basement Party Vibes, Brad Pitt Eats The Train, Ice Sculpture Party Logistics, Wordle With The Taliban, Casey Kasem Got bin Laden, Cajun Shrek
Welcome to our holiday episode! No, it isn't late - we just maintain that the holiday season continues through Epiphany, meaning we just like to make jokes about the three wise men. Anyway, whatever holiday you are celebrating this winter, join us for discussion on gift wrapping etiquette, how we must stop James Cameron, and somehow... even MORE Harry Potter bits. Zach tracks the episode's PG rating, Jared establishes some new gift wrapping rules, and Adam ruins the magic of a montage. Talking Points Include: Avatar Watch, The Uncanny Trench, The Gifs of the Magi, More Harry Potter Jokes, Novelty Gift Wrapping, Bags vs Wrapping, Rocky is in Sonic Now, Master Splinter Causes Drama, Capitalist Performance Art
© 2020-2025 Ivy Podcast Discovery LLC
