Smash Fiction

Merry Cagemas, gentle listeners, and welcome to the seventh annual Cage Match, presented by the largely (but not entirely) defunct Smash Fiction podcast! Four Nicolas Cage characters are set to do battle for the title of World Heavyweight Cage, and these particular Cages are among the most wretched and tragic in the notoriously eccentric actor's oeuvre! Has Kit finally found a Cage worthy of their strange devotion in the form of Johnny from Zandalee? Is Miles' somehow even more nihilistic interpretation of Pig enough to turn a chef into a champion? Can Claire actually remember what happened in Prisoners of the Ghostland? And will MeganBob fall from grace in defense of Seth from City of Angels, or soar to new heights on gilded wings? Or, you know, just start shipping everyone? Special guest judge Kris Newton presides as the SmashFic crew comes together once again to celebrate friendship, good cheer, and of course, bullshit. Cage bless us, every one!

Good news everyone! There are more Hard Choices episodes waiting for you right now on the Hard Choices feed! You should be able to locate it on all the podcatchers. Here's the one for Apple, if that's your bag! If you have any troubles locating Hard Choices in your podcatcher, just hit me up @meganbobness on Twitter or in the Smash Fiction Fan Faction on Facebook. There's also a Patreon if you want even more and you want it now!  Now, if you're Hard Choices curious, but not sure if it's for you, give this a quick listen because I'm going to try and pitch you on why it's worth a shot.  You're great and I'm so dang grateful for all of your support! 

Boners assemble! It's time to rank the fuckability of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the team of Claire, Kit, and Dan Mulkerin, along with MeganBob, are ready to romance one of the most expansive franchises in modern history. In their quest to find the median of fuckability, you'll learn more about robot sex than you ever thought you'd need to know, more about our hosts than ever before, and perhaps an answer to the question of just how exactly does the Hulk smash. So, grab your best spandex outfit and climb aboard the helicarrier for a ride that you'll never forget.  Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

The second installment of Hard Choices is on the viewscreen and it’s a doozy. Join Miles Schneiderman and Ensign MeganBob, along with special guests Sharon Schneiderman and Kris Newton, as they beam aboard the USS Horny to bone where no podcast has dared to bone before. The show sets a course to discover the median of fuckability in the 90s Star Trek universe and learns a lot about our crew members along the way. So, put on your best jumpsuit and head to the holodeck for some quality hot takes on the Star Trek characters you grew up with.  Music from Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/soundroll/funk-me License code: PY3X4XBA59ZDUAVZ https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/funky-junk License code: KIXMIV9S2VDVUHLW https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-gentleman License code: UWXG3BXPCASTYIHY https://uppbeat.io/t/all-good-folks/lets-get-it License code: MGTNINNDEXYJBAZQ https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/high-life License code: GE9B1XIV9R1VKMML https://uppbeat.io/t/doug-organ/boogie-time License code: QOVELAYOE1SDZQ4Y https://uppbeat.io/t/hey-pluto/the-brighton-bop License code: VWDJ4C60GOAIPACW

Welcome to Smash Fiction Presents: Hard Choices, a podcast appearing approximately whenever the mood strikes and guaranteed to explore new vistas of horniness! In this episode, Miles Schneiderman, Kit Mulkerin, MeganBob, and special guest Katrina Ehrnman-Newton rank the fuckability of 21 notable Lord of the Rings characters in an attempt to uncover who is the median most fuckable character in the LOTR universe. Turn down the torchlight, stuff your pipe with the finest weed in the Southfarthing, and get ready for some big feelings (the ones that really matter) in this sensual journey that Tolkien would absolutely never have approved of. Music and sound credit to: "Long Road Ahead", "Light Sting", "Der Kleber Sting," "Hero Theme," "In The West" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.filmmusic.io) License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

It's been awhile, old friend, but Smash Fiction could never let go of that most sacred of holiday traditions, the Cagemas match. Gather around and let us spin you a tale of some Cages, a Cage Match arena, a man named Ebenezer, and the spirit of Cagemas that lives within us all.  In this episode, Dan gives Spider Man Noir from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse an opening argument that demands a standing ovation and Kit spills all the Alpaca dad knowledge on Nathan Gardner from Color Out of Space. But can Miles use his future sight to bring Cris Johnson from Next to victory? Can Liz make a hard left into Star Wars to secure a win for Wylie from Jiu Jitsu? Will MeganBob ever give us the recipe for a Cage Match winner while telling us all about Behmen von Bleibruck from Season of the Witch?  Claire takes the reins in this Smash Fiction reunion show for the ages, so grab a warm drink and settle in for the Sixth Annual Cagemas Match! 

Back when we recorded the fiftieth and final episode of Extraordinary League, Claire prepared one of her Mordin songs just in case we introduced ourselves at the beginning, going with a riff on the main theme from the opera "Maria and Draco" from the game Final Fantasy VI. We ended up not doing the usual type of intro for League episode 50, but we decided we didn't want Claire's effort going to waste. Now that the bonus content has been added to the feed, this seemed like a fitting note to go out on. We love you, ohana!

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for November 2019. The original description follows: WARNING: This episode contains massive spoilers for both Jurassic World and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom! Happy (American) Thanksgiving, friends! If you've been interacting with us on social media or just listening to some of our recent episodes, you know that Miles has been exceptionally busy with real-life stuff lately. However, even major life changes aren't enough to stop everyone's favorite curmudgeon from sharing his thoughts about stuff, particularly stuff voted on by our Patrons! He and Claire sat down to continue the conversation teased in a recent Smash Fiction episode: what's the deal with 2015's Jurassic World? Seriously though, what IS the deal with this movie? Is it a dumb, corporate action movie, or a SATIRE of a dumb, corporate action movie? Is there any intelligent, artistic DNA in this story, or has it been too overwhelmingly spliced with crap? And what does this film have to do with a piece of 1960s installation art? Tune in to find out, and as always, thanks for helping to support the show!

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for August 2019. The original description follows: So this is probably going to be the final bonus episode of Extraordinary League on this feed, and I wanted to make sure that we went out strong. I wanted to tie up the loose threads from the previous Patreon bonus episodes, but I also wanted to make sure that this session had plenty of opportunities for antics and character-based fun. And, as always, the character votes that our $5+ Patrons turned in meant that we were dealing with possibly the weirdest group of League I've ever had to deal with. I quickly realized during play that we were dealing with something special. Each of the players came to the table with an unusual degree of enthusiasm and commitment, and approached the adventure with glee and an overwhelming desire to have fun. You'll hear plenty of moments where one or more players are incapacitated by laughter, and even after I spent many hours editing this final cut, I still find myself laughing out loud at many points. League has been a labor of love for me over these last few years, and this is definitely a high point for me. I hope you all enjoy. -Dan

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for July 2019. The original description follows: So I really wanted this song to turn out super country but then I started going through effects for my keyboard and guitar and...I got lost in space.  So. Many. Synthesizers.  For inspiration, I basically just listened to Mordin vs. Spock and ctrl + F'd our episode summaries for the word "space."  There was a lot of material.  My lyrics make no sense just like my Space Judge persona.  Also, the inexplicable train whistle.  Why...   For the actual music writing side of it, this song has a LOT of tracks.  Two vocal tracks, four guitar tracks, one drum track, and three synth tracks.  Space is pretty big so the song needed to be too!  The more I think about it, this song goes through a billion different genres.  My voice and acoustic guitar are desperately screaming "THIS IS COUNTRY" but everything else screams "THIS IS A ROCK CONCERT IN SPACE" and honestly, I think I am OK with that and I hope you are too.   -Liz   Lyrics:   *Space Judge*   I am the Space Judge, And I cross all worlds in search of the dumb. My favorite thing to argue about, is how I would punch you out. *Ah shit I'm supposed to be the judge, dammit!*   You'll see me coming from outer space, to render judgment in a case, No matter who it is or what they are, But they all should be set in space.   Space fights, space jokes Space plights, space blokes I wish my car was a battlestar 'cause I could go so far off the deep end INTO SPACE.   *Space Judge, I am the Space Judge*   *Train whistle*   Yeah, that was my ship's horn, be jealous.   My other hosts have judged from space, and they kept up my lightning pace.   But I am the Space Judge. It's where I get my fix, And play my greatest tricks. Don't worry, just trust me, it won't be that bad.   Maybe.

After recording Smash Fiction episode 139 (The Shadow vs. The Phantom vs. Darkman vs. Dick Tracy), Claire, Dan, MeganBob, and Miles decided to have a brief but in-depth conversation about the experience of watching some of the weirdest films to emerge from the 90s. Enjoy this rare chance to listen to our hosts not scream at each other as we chat about bizarre characters, unfortunate creative decisions, and--strangest of all--stuff we actually kind of liked about these movies. As a side note, at one point Claire shares a video link with us so we can watch a pretty perplexing ad from the era. Here's the link if you'd like to watch along with us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZO-Gf2_J4s

Sometimes when we have to take a break mid-recording, magical things happen. In this case we were treated to an impromptu piece of live theater courtesy of Liz and a host of dragon sound effects. Gather round for a tale of dragons, divisible hearts, Draco Malfoy, and how cool gold is!

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for May 2019. The original description follows: Okay, this show is now officially called "Miles Has Feelings," so you probably think you know what you're getting into, but guys... Miles has so many feelings about NBC's sci-fi sitcom The Good Place, it's not even funny. Miles loves this show. And not in a half-trolling "I think this movie is deeper than it appears" way like Sucker Punch, or a novelty act "hey look, I like a video game way like VTM: Bloodlines. This is the real deal. Miles fell in love with The Good Place like you fall in love with another person, and the honeymoon period is far from over. So what do you do when you feel this deeply for something you truly love? Talk about it with MeganBob, of course! Miles and Bob begin this bonus episode with a spoiler-free section aimed at those of you who haven't seen the show yet, in hopes of convincing you that you should rectify that immediately. Then it's time to dive headfirst into plot recaps, character arcs, and themes in an effort to unpack what, exactly, makes The Good Place so good. Along the way, they explore the new subgenre of hopepunk, discuss the difference between individual responsibility and systemic consequences, examine the show's focus on moral philosophy, interrogate its attitude toward gender, racial, and sexual identities, and explain why humans are fundamentally good while basically blaming all the bad stuff in the world on capitalism. So, you know, heads up if that's not your thing. Don't worry, though, there are also jokes! Mostly jokes from The Good Place! Enjoy! -Miles

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for March 2019. The original description follows: So here’s a fun opening story…  The first thing I recorded for this song was the bass line.  I then picked up my sax to play in order to figure out what key I had played the bass line in.  Well, I actually couldn’t figure it out.  No note or scale was matching up with what I had played, it sounded terrible!  Of course, I then realized, I HADN’T TUNED MY BASS.  I turned on the tuner and lo and behold, I was 20 cents flat.  That’s enough to be its own unique note.  I had already written the entire bass line and promptly forgot how to play it.  My fix was to literally tune all my instruments to 20 cents flat!  It somehow worked and my sax was matching up.  Unfortunately, I had picked an extremely difficult key for an Eb instrument (which is what an alto sax is).  It ended up being in the key of B, which has 5 sharps for the sax.  Plus I was adding additional accidentals (other sharps and flats) to give the song a jazzy feel.  Ok, that’s enough music theory. This was quite a challenging song to write.  I’ve played tons of jazz music in my lifetime but have actually never wrote/recorded a song.  Instruments included are alto sax, guitar, bass, drums, and my lovely voice.  This would essentially be a small combo jazz group.  Some combos have three “horns” (i.e. trumpet, sax, clarinet, etc.) so this is definitely a small one.  Jazz groups always have a bass, usually drums, and then some type of “comping” instrument (i.e. guitar or piano, one or the other, not usually both).  Guitar or piano generally provide chords for the horn to play off of but as you can hear, at some points I just followed the vocal line with the guitar, giving it almost a rock type feel.  Jazz is the progenitor of most modern music so I thought it was fitting.  Here I am talking about music theory again, sorry! Onto the actual League content of the song, I tried to make this a string of consciousness for Dante remembering the League’s various exploits.  There really is no rhyme or reason to the song and I tried to make it seem like scattered thoughts.  Of course, the song revolves around the events that Dante thought were cool (Corolla frames) or annoying (like Lace being a better distraction than him in the fight against Cthulhu).  As I was listening to episodes, I came across a line that absolutely made me laugh: Luna asking if we were very likely or mostly likely to die.  I had to incorporate it as it could have easily been a Dante type question.  Then, there is the title…  Shout out to my friend Evan Staves for this title immediately popping up in his head and helping me get my groove started.  That made me just have to comment on the fact that yeah, I forget my swords and guns exist.  Ultimately, Dante is happy to be involved with the League and loves the new friends he has made. -Liz What’s the Name of That Sword Again?   Welcome to the Castle Club Name’s Dante Drummer, hit it Yeah… I’m gonna tell you about some of my friends They’re called the League And it’s gonna be their stories Actually, it’s mostly gonna be about me Feels like just yesterday, I joined the League It’s been a fun time, with no reason or rhyme Except I kinda lost my arm This is the only job where I wonder If I’m very likely or mostly likely to die Sometimes people ask me to use my sword, but I don’t! However… Luckily we’ve beat a bunch of Phyrexia I don’t really use my swords or my guns much But I do remember the Corolla It was a good car…frame Once, we stopped Dracula Because I stole his cool ass cape And everyone else got there too late They were still clapping at my performance at that play Dante saves the day!  Yes I did.  Without my swords and guns people But y’all are pretty cool too, anyways… Think about all the cool things that we’ve done Except I got upstaged by a dino driving on the run At least we beat Cthulhu Then one time we got famous for playing rock without a clue And too bad our only reward was a green slime Stitch fu Manchu So thank you friends for the good and bad Your double taps and your portal guns, take me to my favorite danger zone Is he bothering you over there?  No?  Ok great.

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for February 2019. The original description follows: Man oh man, I never know what sort of team we'll end up with when we do these bonus episodes, but the $5+ Patrons never fail to make some really interesting choices. As usual, I didn't decide on the central concept of this episode until I saw what characters everyone was going to be playing. In this case, I wanted to give our stealth- and social-centric characters plenty of opportunities to be sneaky and manipulative, so I came up with a scenario that would lead them away from taking a forceful and direct route, at least at first. Most of the PCs were pretty straightforward to design. The ones that gave me issues were Austin Powers and Esmé Squalor. In the case of Austin Powers, I felt like it was important to give him abilities beyond just being a James Bond clone--I eventually came up with the Mojo mechanic, which allowed him to weaponize his catchphrase. In the case of Esmé, both Claire and I wanted to make sure that she could at least handle herself in combat. Claire eventually came up with the idea of giving her a clothing-based weapon from another setting--we tossed a number of ideas back and forth before settling on the Dresspheres from Final Fantasy X-2. It felt very appropriate to essentially tie her combat abilities to being able to change clothes rapidly. This was a fun episode to record and I hope it's a fun episode to listen to! -Dan

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for December 2018. The original description follows: Those of you $5+ patrons who get our monthly bonus content poll must have been surprised when Miles gave you a list of media he liked... and one of them was a video game! That's right, Miles is (briefly) putting aside his role as everyone's favorite curmudgeon to gush about the 2004 computer role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines. He's joined by Dan, who has played the game, and Kit, who has not, and the three hosts have fun chatting about the video game, the tabletop RPG, and the wonderful, terrible World of Darkness as a whole. There are some light spoilers for Bloodlines in this episode, but if you're interested in playing the game, our discussion should hopefully only whet your appetite for a genuinely great, if not perfect, cult classic of a game. Let us know what you think!

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for September 2018. The original description follows: Thank you to everyone for allowing me to finally use one of my two ukuleles and a harmonica in an actual meaningful context. This song truly is a tribute to my fellow podcasters in how much I enjoy playing League with them and how interesting it can be solving problems with characters who approach things very differently. This song is also a great way for me to ask for Kit's forgiveness regarding a certain episode (listen to Surprise Party 3, you'll understand). In terms of instrumentation chosen, you are listening to a ukulele, a standard size harmonica, a palm-muted electric bass, a Jamaican hand drum, my vocals, and Kit's lovely Stitch statements. It is me playing everything except Kit's voice. I used my condenser microphone for everything except the bass, which I just plugged straight into my audio interface. Just so you know, I was using pots and pans for percussion at first but it sounded so loud and ridiculous, I had to take it out. -Liz Lyrics: Did you know What family means in Hawaiian? Well I didn't know Until Stitch came along Ohana means family Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten ...stupidhead And then this motley crew Went and stepped on through To become ohana How would we have known That Stitch doesn't like whipped cream That Luna just wanted to have a pet 'Cause she's sick of you assholes That Mordin clearly likes to watch the world burn Incinerate it all That Nico really likes to read that one weird book That Dante probably doesn't know what ohana means Hint, it's family And you know what Just like a real family We certainly have some problems Dante cares too much about his muscles And Nico has some homicidal urges Mordin sometimes wishes he could stay in his lab And Stitch has an issue with, SHINY... LET ME EAT IT And Luna is, wait, yeah I don't have anything for this one One big League family That everyone can see! Saving the universe One world at a time If we weren't together we wouldn't be ohana

Didn't feel right, not putting out a supercut of the last stretch of episodes on August 1st. Happy anniversary!

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for July 2018. The original description follows: So I'd been wanting to do something a bit different with this month's bonus League episode and eventually settled on doing a plot a la the movie The Hangover, in which a group of people wake up, discover that they've lost all memory of the night before, and have to retrace their steps in order to figure out what happened. And then I got the results of the $5 Patreon poll and saw the characters that you wanted the hosts to play. Skeletor? Janet from The Good Place? Freaking Optimus Prime?! How was I supposed to do a memory loss plot with characters like that? This was probably the single most difficult session of League I've ever had to write, but in the end I found it very fulfilling and tons of fun to do. I hope that you all do too. Thanks for your support! -Dan Additional music this episode is "Noise Attack" and "Exhilarate" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License. http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for June 2018. The original description follows: Miles' June bonus content is a little late, but better late than never! Unless you happen to be Claire Mulkerin, of course. In that case, you would have chosen the "never" option in a heartbeat if it meant never, ever having to re-watch Zack Snyder's much-maligned 2011 film, Sucker Punch. Unfortunately for Claire, Miles really likes Sucker Punch, and now they have to TALK ABOUT IT. What is Sucker Punch, anyway? What does it mean? Why can't Claire see past the violence, the implied violence, the lack of characterization, the inconsistent acting, the dubiously-constructed dialogue, and the shoddy action sequences to whatever the hell it is that Miles sees beneath, and finds fascinating? Fortunately, you support our work with your hard-earned money, so you get to find out! How's that for a sucker punch? -Miles

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for April 2018. The original description follows: It's that time again. Instead of Smash Fiction's usual brand of yelling and making lowbrow dick jokes, Itchy Brains is a time for having deep philosophical conversations about art and making highbrow dick jokes. This time I'm joined by MeganBob and Kit, and we're experimenting with the format a bit: whereas last time we centered our discussion around a single topic, this time we're centering it on a single work of art, "The Shape of Water." How does "Shape of Water" manage to be erotic without perpetuating the immoral qualities of pornography at its worst? How can you make an accurate period piece without endorsing the pervasive problematic attitudes of that time? What is "coding" and how has fiction used it to associate villains and monsters with certain real world marginalized groups? Would it have been more or less hot if we had seen that fish dick? Damn, didn't even make it to the end of the description this time... I think I have a problem. -Claire The music used in the episode is "Blip Stream" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License. http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for March 2018. The original description follows: I think it's safe to say that writing this song has been an exploration of Skeletor's sensitive and emotional, yet still very evil, side. Based on how many times he's utterly failed over the years, he's finally turned to a classical music piece to maybe make a name for himself, but even then, still can't escape He-Man. When I started out with writing this song, I was torn between writing a bombastic, dissonant piece or a more somber, emotional one. I basically attempted to combine all of those feelings into this twisted, classical amalgamation. I started out with samples of all the hosts' most terrifying Skeletor laughs and some extremely dissonant piano... and then, because I'm Liz Logan, thought it would be a great idea to go from evil (what you would expect) to something unexpected, i.e. pleasant sounding. Then, I wanted the end of the song to be Skeletor's mental snare and bass-driven march to actually completing something for once. Bravo! -Liz LYRICS for "Skeletor Symphony No. 1" No one cares for me, No one seems to see That I'm so powerful That I even impress myself. I like to feel evil. I live to be bad. You're a loser Skeletor! He-Man, you boob! Everything I do Is for the sake of evil! Too bad I'm surrounded by dolts and halfwits and brainless idiots Who couldn't even beat a motley group of gnomes Skeletor is love! Evil You poor metal munching morons And this is how it ends, With Skeletor triumphant, at last!

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for January 2018. The original description follows: Thanks to your continued support, I am... proud?... to bring you the latest bonus episode of Extraordinary League! It all started with a simple question I posed to myself: what would happen if a bunch of League characters got on a train? The answer ended up involving a lot more improvisation, sky pirates, and ghosts than you might initially think. I'm so grateful to all of you for making this possible--I hope you have as much fun listening to to it as we had making it. -Dan

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for December 2017. The original description follows: Welcome to another bonus episode featuring your favorite curmudgeonly Smash Fiction host ranting about something he hates! This time around, you folks voted for something that most other people hate, too--the Star Wars prequels. Dan Mulkerin joins me for a discussion on all things that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, with emphasis on how, why, and to what degree Episodes 1-3 sucked. From Jesus analogues to death by loss of willpower to inexplicable hostility toward sand, the prequels don't stand a chance against us. After all, we have the high ground. -Miles

This episode originally aired on Patreon as a public bonus episode in November 2017. The original description follows: Since we try to keep our episodes around an hour long, sometimes Miles has to leave a lot of side talk on the cutting room floor. But sometimes that side talk is just a little too...flavorful. Enjoy this free-for-all pre-show bonus snippet from our Thor/Wonder Woman episode, but beware. It's a little spicy.

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for October 2017. The original description follows: Hey folks. This month our bonus content is gonna be part of a possible series that I'm calling "Itchy Brains," where for once in our miserable lives, we yell a little less and think a little more. Each episode, we address some sort of concept in creativity by discussing how it has been applied for good or for ill in your favorite art, then guess what! We also talk about how the principles that we discuss can be used when you make works of art of your own. This time, me and Dan and Kit are talking about "Unanswered Questions" through the examples of Steven Universe and Shadow of the Colossus. Why are there five gems on that door? What's a Dormin? What am gem? Why eating lizards make climb good? WARNING: If you listen to this episode, you'll never have an excuse to write terrible exposition again! Let us know what you think and if you're interested in hearing more! -Claire

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for September 2017. The original description follows: Oh man, where to start with this bizarre song. As decided by many of you, I was tasked with writing a song about Dante's aversion to clothing. Honestly, I couldn't have been happier, so good job! In League, Dante really likes to tear his clothes off. I don't know how or why I came up with this character convention but it happened for better or worse. It's worked so far in game so it's probably here to stay. Anyways, for the lyrics, I had to incorporate some fun events where the clothes tearing actually worked (sort of). During the fight with Dracula, Dante tore off his clothes and successfully stole his cape! During the League's stay in Westeros, there was a "romantic" rendezvous between Dante and Mordin, which, you guessed it! Involved Dante striking a bare ass pose. For the music, I knew I had to do something strange. For the intro, I tried to emulate Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" because I figured Dante probably thinks that is how people view him, the egomaniac! For the rest of the song, I tried to emulate Devil May Cry's hard rock soundtracks. I knew it had to be loud and crazy and full of distortion. Thank you for listening. -Liz LYRICS for "A Body of Art...Work" Oh my God, have you seen Dante? His abs are like, so defined. Oh my God, how do you know that? Oh my God, how do you know that? Because he never wears a shirt silly! Because he never wears a shirt silly! Why would you want to hide it? Don't you want to find it? I'm basically beautiful, And I've got a beard, that's important. Things, kilts, footie pajamas, red coat, white shirt, black pants, big boots, I hate it all! That's right, you heard me, I hate it all! This is getting too long now and I don't know what to say anymore, LET'S GO! TEAR IT OFF! I've tried tank tops, I've tried coats and pants and those sweet ass boots. Try a sock? I think not. Nothing quite compares to that wind up my derriere! And it looks really nice, I mean, I've been told that before, I believe it, uh anyways uh, moving on. No one can resist my super good looking nakedness. So why wear clothes, when I can strike a bare ass pose? You cannot stop it, I know you like it, don't be ashamed because I cannot blame you. I'm going to do my part, because my body is pure art! TEAR IT OFF! My power is increased, when my clothing is deceased. Go ask Dracula. My shining chest, is just the best. Go ask Mordana. I can't really talk well, but I'm really good at tearing shit off. Clothes just suck a bunch, and I'd rather wear my lunch...ABLES! Oh my God, Dante.

This episode originally aired on Patreon as a public bonus episode in September 2017. The original description follows: During some behind-the-scenes silliness, Space Jam came up in a random discussion (because of course it did). Kit requested that Miles isolate this clip of Liz and Bob's combined awesomeness to turn into an alert tone for her phone. Miles did the thing. And it was good. Now we leave it here for all to enjoy and use for whatever space and hoop needs you may have.

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for August 2017. The original description follows: We asked you what you wanted in the crosshairs of my neverending hatred, and the majority of you chose Terminator 2: Judgment Day, a film considered by many to be a legitimately great movie and considered by me to be kind of a pile of crap. The question of why I dislike Terminator 2 has been floating around the Smash Fiction oeuvre for a while now, and now the answer lies before you! But this bonus episode isn't just me ranting! Our very own Colin Mulkerin joined me moments after exiting a theatrical screening of Terminator 2, and what you're about to hear is our in-depth conversation about the film, from shaky time travel continuity to surprisingly awesome 1991 special effects to James Cameron's inexplicable love of turning horror movies into action movies. Please enjoy, and thank you so much for your support! -Miles

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for July 2017. The original description follows: Well, you did it. We sent out a poll at the beginning of the month to see which characters you'd like our hosts to play, and boy howdy did you respond. I just want to say that I claim zero responsibility for what ended up happening when this particular combination of characters was put together. Seriously though, this episode ended up being extremely fun. Listen in to find out what happens when a ragtag group of League rejects is pulled in to defend a helpless Eternian town from a group of dangerous raiders... and sets out to figure out what's really going on. Speeches are given. Weapons are dropped. The Cheats are kicked. One of the characters spends about half of the episode running around naked. It's kind of great. -Dan

Everyone loves an encore, right? Book, music, and lyrics by Claire Mulkerin, with assistance from Miles Schneiderman, Kit Mulkerin, Dan Mulkerin, Liz Logan, and Meganbob.

If you're hurting for some more Smash Fiction content, we have a blast from the past for you! Cast your mind to Phoenix, Arizona, back to the halcyon days of 2018, where Miles, Sharon, and Matias hosted a Surprise Party panel! Listen as three unwitting volunteers find themselves drawing characters from sources like Ben 10, Akira, Warhammer 40,000, Gravity Falls, and a surprising number of actual living people, and then send their parties on an epic quest for real, physical prizes! It's fun for the whole family! Presuming, of course, your family is a bunch of nerds.

Our heroes say goodbye. Music from https://filmmusic.io "Motherlode" and "District Four" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com). License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Additional music and sounds from tabletopaudio.com

This is it: the final, climactic end of the Smash Fiction saga! As we prepare to draw the curtain on this story, we gather together for one final, over-the-top contest of strength, wits, and bullshit. We've seen fifty characters rise to victory over the course of season 3, but only one of them will ascend to the truly elevated status of SMASH BASH champion! The show may be coming to a close, but we have plenty of plans for the future, so make sure you stick around till the end of the episode to hear what to expect from us very soon. Thank you for such an amazing ride! Theme song is from https://filmmusic.io - "Hitman" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com). License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

The Smash Fiction saga comes to a climactic finish with our final match! That Tome of Eternal Darkness is up to its old tricks, and with its current hamburger-obsessed host proving to be a bit lackluster, the book stretches its dark tendrils across time and space in search of more fertile minds to corrupt. What it finds are three Jedi at the height of their respective powers. All three want to destroy the book... but none are willing to trust the tome's destruction to a lesser Force user. Rafael Medina joins us once more as we ask: Will Revenge of the Sith-era Obi-Wan's training, experience, and command of the high ground lead him to success? Will Rise of Skywalker-era Rey prove that these other two should stay in the past where they belong? Or will Return of the Jedi-era Luke Skywalker go down to Tosche Station to pick up the power converters... of victory?

It all comes down to this. Additional music from https://filmmusic.io - "Take a Chance" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com). License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

Sometimes the holidays come and go and you still haven't gotten everything on your wishlist. Somehow, no one noticed your specific requests for bad accents and worse puns. Well, fret no more, because we're sending off 2019 in style with the final episode of Ship Wrecked! That's right, we've gathered together four of the nastiest characters from fiction in an effort to see if any of them are capable of finding true love. Can characters from Final Fantasy, Steven Universe, Call of Duty, and the works of Dr. Seuss navigate both the pitfalls of relationships and the challenges put forth by our capricious host? Come for the shipping, stay for the unexpected plot developments! Additional sound effects from sydneyturner.com and from youtube.com/watch?v=U34MegCHlig.

It's that time of year once again, listeners: time for the fifth annual Cage Match! That's right, we have a collection of characters from across Nicolas Cage's filmography gathered together in the squared circle for a no-holds-barred fight to the finish. Will The Rock's Stanley Goodspeed avoid the flaming trolley car of defeat? Can Terence McDonagh of Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans put enough drugs into his system to alchemically transform himself into a winner? Can Sean Archer succeed where his Face/Off costar Castor Troy failed? And what the hell is Joe Majors from Between Worlds doing here anyway?

Are you looking for gardening guidance but can’t stand the vague, wishy-washy answers to your plant problems? Are you sick and tired of advice from people you wouldn’t trust to peel an orange, much less fertilize an orchid? Well you're in luck, because it is I, Skeletor, here casting pods at you. If you know anything about my work, and you should, it's that I am the sworn enemy of He-Man and the rightful Master of the Universe! What you may not know is that I'm also the rightful master of gardening! Overwatering? Underwatering? Not sure how to water your plants? NOT ON MY WATCH. Garden Plots with Skeletor is a scheme, I mean podcast, that will save your plants from your black-thumbed buffoonery and will turn you into… well, it will not turn you a Master of the Universe, but it will make you a less incompetent gardener! With my commands, your backyard will flourish, your window boxes will blossom, and you’ll finally get that cool ‘urban jungle’ look that people keep talking about. Most importantly, you won’t disappoint me, which is something I assure you you would be wise to avoid. Subscribe to Garden Plots with Skeletor wherever you get your podcasts. Garden Plots with Skeletor! Scheming to keep your greens… green.

In the year 2183, a discovery is made that will shake interstellar society to its core and change the face of the galaxy forever. With the fate of humanity itself hanging in the balance, what we need now more than ever... is a group of seemingly random fictional characters! That's right, Surprise Party warps in for one last mission as we tackle the seminal sci-fi video game Mass Effect! Join us as characters from ThunderCats, Animorphs, Fire Emblem, and many other fictional properties load their M-8 Avengers, check the alignment on the Mako, and board the Normandy for a morally-charged galactic adventure! Which fictional character will Dan leave to die on Virmire? Which characters will Meganbob ship into having a steamy cutscene together? Can any of Kit's characters even use a gun? There's only one way to find out!

There's multitalented characters and then there's multitalented characters. In this match, we compare the most overqualified contestants possible for our Polymathlete Decathlon. No other podcast has the brilliance, the vision, the madness to bring together Mario of video game fame, Barbie of plastic toy fame, and Buckaroo Banzai of cult classic film fame. You'd think by episode 148 we've already reached the heights of weirdness we're capable of, but this episode proves that there's no upper limit to our insanity.  Listen as Claire dives deep into the vast back catalog of Mario media, Liz calls reality into question (more than once), and MeganBob drives a taxi for a bit. Stay strapped in for one of the most out of the box rounds of rebuttals we've ever had.

Despite all their planning and preparation, the League find themselves on the back foot as the Doom Star reaches completion. All that's left now is a last-ditch attempt to try and destroy it before the Father of Machines uses it to conquer the multiverse once and for all. Will the combined might of the Extraordinary League be enough to break Phyrexia's ultimate weapon, or will our heroes find themselves... doomed? Stitch builds a pepperoni effigy; Luna reaches out with her feelings; Archer has one more for the road; and Mordin learns from the best. Thanks again to Mr. Jumbo for this episode's intro music! Check out more of his works at youtube.com/jumboguitarist.

The fourth and final Smash Fiction elemental free-for-all hits like an avalanche as three terrakinetics throw down for supremacy! The dragon Deathwing looks to celebrate his previous conquests and set the stage for his next glorious victory by staging a tournament of earth-users. Three magic portals later, he has his competitors: Toph Beifong from Avatar: The Last Airbender, Alex Louis Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist, and Terra of the Teen Titans from DC Comics! Which dirt-flinging powerhouse will win the favor of Deathwing the Destroyer? And more importantly, can Claire, Dan, and Kit survive that most earth-shattering of threats: a Liz Logan lightning round?!

You know how some movies become so widely-seen and are so influential that they become an unavoidable part of everyday life? The kinds of movies that you just HAVE to see? Well that's what we have for you in the lab today. It was inevitable, really. I mean, not only do we have characters from Ponyo, Transformers, There Will Be Blood, and The Muppets, but we also have podcaster (and lead character designer from Archer) Shannon Manor lending her talents to the episode! You HAVE to listen to this one. Otherwise how are you going to get all the jokes about goats, future ties, and close-up magic that all the cool kids are telling?

Boy, that Parker luck really is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? When the Daily Bugle's most mediocre photographer gets sent to Gotham City to capture some images of the psychological hospital and prison known as Arkham Asylum, he ends up at ground zero for a huge breakout of superpowered psychopaths. This may not, strictly speaking, be a job for Spider-Man... but he's the only person who could possibly take on the many supervillains that are now running free through the asylum's darkened hallways. Will Spider-Man catch these criminals just like flies, or will the combined forces of Harley Quinn, the Scarecrow, Killer Croc, Bane, Poison Ivy, and the Joker have the last laugh? We have neither the great power nor the great responsibility to tackle this issue on our own. Fortunately we managed to rope in author, podcaster, and superhero scholar Joshua Unruh to break down comics' greatest rogues' gallery! Join us as Claire employs some psychological warfare of her own, Dan tries VERY HARD to be objective, Meganbob sexualizes the asylum itself, and Miles takes a bow in his final episode as a judge!

While the rest of the League work to prepare for the final battle against Doom and his forces, Mordin takes a small group to a different world in search of the final gemstone to defeat Phyrexia. They'll soon find, however, that this is a dangerous world, that the Phyrexians are not far behind, and that, even in the remote parts of the multiverse, they can always find a familiar face. Mordin tries on an old look; Sombra really needs to be nerfed; Titania gives out some questionable boons; Elijah Snow fights fire without fire; and Skeletor battles the fearsome branch troll. Special thanks to both Mr. Jumbo for the intro music (youtube.com/jumboguitarist) and to Sound Makers for the special character theme halfway through the episode (youtube.com/bobthesheep22)!

Smash Fiction has always been about answering the oldest questions, and on this final episode of Smashtoberfest, we answer one of the oldest: Which Death is the best Death? It's a Death-Off, you might call it. Or maybe a Death Match. A Death Fight. A Death Conflict. A War of Deaths. A High-Tension Situation Between Deaths. A Deathybrook. I don't know, maybe there's some other, more marketable term for this kind of thing that could conceivably become popular on a platform like YouTube, but I'm sure I don't know what it is. Anyway, when the afterlife suddenly has an opening at the position of psychopomp, four fictional Deaths arrive to apply for the job. Death from Discworld writes out his application in all caps; Death from Sandman shows up for her interview in an outfit so outlandishly gothy that only she could possibly pull it off; Death from Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey is ready to show off a wide range of gaming skills; and nobody from Afterlife Resources is quite prepared when it's time to meet Joe Black. Which Death will successfully demonstrate their skill at transitioning souls to the next life and snag the gig with the biggest scythe (not to mention some sweet benefits)? Sharon Schneiderman returns to help us find out in an episode that, with no adult supervision in sight, rapidly descends into ridiculous chaos, never to recover. Also, Liz Logan outsources her argument, MeganBob demands softnessfaction, and Miles bullshits his last.

Welcome back to Ship Wrecked, and do we have a show for you! It's an episode of firsts: not only does Miles join the cast, but so does our special guest Spike from the Phantom Heights podcast! And of course, because it's the time of year that we call Smashtoberfest, we try our hand at an extra-spooky episode of Ship Wrecked. Will our contestants--a businessman, a madman, an arachnid princess, and the literal devil--find love with each other? Come to think of it, with Halloween right around the corner, will any of them survive the terrors to come? And, because it's Smashtoberfest, we also make use of music from https://filmmusic.io, "The Dread" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com). License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

Welcome, dear listeners, to The Last Smashtoberfest! To kick off our final month of horror-inspired content, aka "just a flimsy excuse to make Halloween jokes in silly voices," we have a pair of video game vampires at each other's throats! When the nameless world of Dark Souls requires an undead hero to find the Kiln of the First Flame, it's clearly a job for Raziel, wielder of the Soul Reaver and longtime nemesis lover frenemy of the vampire Kain! The time-traveling savior of Nosgoth might have to take possession of a random corpse every time he gets killed by the notoriously bad-ass monsters of Dark Souls, but that's nothing when you've already arranged your own resurrection or whatever. Soul Reaver is a hell of a drug, y'all. What matters is, he's up to the task. Unfortunately, Raziel isn't the only deathless abomination wandering these parts. Alucard, hero of Castlevania and winner of Spelling Your Dad's Name Backwards as an Act of Rebellion Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year award three years running, is also here, and also eager to prove that he can conquer Dark Souls. Which gothic vampire boi will get the job done first and make their way to the Kiln, and the narratively impressive moral quandary that lies inside? Liz Logan breaks out her signature opening argument moves, Claire has a complicated history with Soul Reaver, and Alucard moons everybody. Plus, a brand new Smashtoberfest intro from Miles and Sharon that is simultaneously a labor of love and DEEPLY stupid. Thanks as always to Kevin MacLeod for the song we used, which is called "The Dread." Welcome to the end times!

With Doom's sinister plot drawing ever-closer to completion, the League know that they have to take any opportunity they can to strike out at the metallic despot. It's no wonder, then, that when Doom's secret time platform is discovered on the volcanic world of Mustafar, the League send five of their most dangerous members to destroy it. Will these heroes strike a telling blow against the lord of Phyrexia, or will they and their mission burn to ash? Squirrel Girl puts her degree to work; Amethyst tries some identity theft; Brock Samson charges into danger; Godzilla points out the folly of Doom; and Dante is deeply unqualified for a leadership position. Special thanks to both Mr. Jumbo for the intro music (youtube.com/jumboguitarist) and to Megaraptor for the final song before the credits (https://www.youtube.com/MultiPetriS)!

This podcast is contentious by nature, but if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that humans suck and animals are way cooler and more interesting in every way. At least, we all agree on that when Kit is running Surprise Party and everyone wants her to award them the most points! It's a jungle out there in Smash Metafiction, and when Claire, Liz, and Miles all find themselves in the care of a human dumpus who, while undeniably shitty, doesn't deserve to get torn apart by Shere Khan, it's up to them to gather a group of animal protectors to ensure the hopeless little bastard gets safely back to the Man Village. On a related note, smash the animated patriarchy. But getting this kid home alive isn't the easiest thing in the world when hypnotic snakes, militaristic elephants, and pyromaniac monkey kings are all standing in your way. Which team of vaguely defined taxonomies will prove to have the Char(acter) Necessities? With our version of the Jungle Book downloaded and ready to hit your headphones, you're just the touch of a play button away from learning the answers and making all the other apes want to be like you!