Podcasts about smash fiction

Happy Cagemas in...Well, let's call it July overtime, shall we? Sure, it's a cynical cash-grab to double up on Cagemas by doing Cagemas in July, but we never apologize for double-stuffing here on Hard Choices. Let's be honest, we all want to talk about boning Nic Cage characters. That's just the human condition. Five of the former hosts of the Smash Fiction podcast gathered together to live the dream. Stands are taken for wizards, spiders, truckers, writers, chefs, you name it. If you're expecting a lukewarm episode, think again. Bob is barely able to string a coherent thought together, such is their thirst in this one. We may only cover fifteen Cages but the horniness here is enough to rock an entire cinematic career. You think you won't have feelings when you listen to this. You think you'll remain aloof and above looking at Nicolas Cage with erotic longing. When your walls start to crumble, don't be afraid. Lean into the nouveau shamanic embrace of The Cage. 

Merry Cagemas, gentle listeners, and welcome to the seventh annual Cage Match, presented by the largely (but not entirely) defunct Smash Fiction podcast! Four Nicolas Cage characters are set to do battle for the title of World Heavyweight Cage, and these particular Cages are among the most wretched and tragic in the notoriously eccentric actor's oeuvre! Has Kit finally found a Cage worthy of their strange devotion in the form of Johnny from Zandalee? Is Miles' somehow even more nihilistic interpretation of Pig enough to turn a chef into a champion? Can Claire actually remember what happened in Prisoners of the Ghostland? And will MeganBob fall from grace in defense of Seth from City of Angels, or soar to new heights on gilded wings? Or, you know, just start shipping everyone? Special guest judge Kris Newton presides as the SmashFic crew comes together once again to celebrate friendship, good cheer, and of course, bullshit. Cage bless us, every one!

It's been awhile, old friend, but Smash Fiction could never let go of that most sacred of holiday traditions, the Cagemas match. Gather around and let us spin you a tale of some Cages, a Cage Match arena, a man named Ebenezer, and the spirit of Cagemas that lives within us all.  In this episode, Dan gives Spider Man Noir from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse an opening argument that demands a standing ovation and Kit spills all the Alpaca dad knowledge on Nathan Gardner from Color Out of Space. But can Miles use his future sight to bring Cris Johnson from Next to victory? Can Liz make a hard left into Star Wars to secure a win for Wylie from Jiu Jitsu? Will MeganBob ever give us the recipe for a Cage Match winner while telling us all about Behmen von Bleibruck from Season of the Witch?  Claire takes the reins in this Smash Fiction reunion show for the ages, so grab a warm drink and settle in for the Sixth Annual Cagemas Match! 

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for November 2019. The original description follows: WARNING: This episode contains massive spoilers for both Jurassic World and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom! Happy (American) Thanksgiving, friends! If you've been interacting with us on social media or just listening to some of our recent episodes, you know that Miles has been exceptionally busy with real-life stuff lately. However, even major life changes aren't enough to stop everyone's favorite curmudgeon from sharing his thoughts about stuff, particularly stuff voted on by our Patrons! He and Claire sat down to continue the conversation teased in a recent Smash Fiction episode: what's the deal with 2015's Jurassic World? Seriously though, what IS the deal with this movie? Is it a dumb, corporate action movie, or a SATIRE of a dumb, corporate action movie? Is there any intelligent, artistic DNA in this story, or has it been too overwhelmingly spliced with crap? And what does this film have to do with a piece of 1960s installation art? Tune in to find out, and as always, thanks for helping to support the show!

After recording Smash Fiction episode 139 (The Shadow vs. The Phantom vs. Darkman vs. Dick Tracy), Claire, Dan, MeganBob, and Miles decided to have a brief but in-depth conversation about the experience of watching some of the weirdest films to emerge from the 90s. Enjoy this rare chance to listen to our hosts not scream at each other as we chat about bizarre characters, unfortunate creative decisions, and--strangest of all--stuff we actually kind of liked about these movies. As a side note, at one point Claire shares a video link with us so we can watch a pretty perplexing ad from the era. Here's the link if you'd like to watch along with us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZO-Gf2_J4s

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for April 2018. The original description follows: It's that time again. Instead of Smash Fiction's usual brand of yelling and making lowbrow dick jokes, Itchy Brains is a time for having deep philosophical conversations about art and making highbrow dick jokes. This time I'm joined by MeganBob and Kit, and we're experimenting with the format a bit: whereas last time we centered our discussion around a single topic, this time we're centering it on a single work of art, "The Shape of Water." How does "Shape of Water" manage to be erotic without perpetuating the immoral qualities of pornography at its worst? How can you make an accurate period piece without endorsing the pervasive problematic attitudes of that time? What is "coding" and how has fiction used it to associate villains and monsters with certain real world marginalized groups? Would it have been more or less hot if we had seen that fish dick? Damn, didn't even make it to the end of the description this time... I think I have a problem. -Claire The music used in the episode is "Blip Stream" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License. http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for December 2017. The original description follows: Welcome to another bonus episode featuring your favorite curmudgeonly Smash Fiction host ranting about something he hates! This time around, you folks voted for something that most other people hate, too--the Star Wars prequels. Dan Mulkerin joins me for a discussion on all things that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, with emphasis on how, why, and to what degree Episodes 1-3 sucked. From Jesus analogues to death by loss of willpower to inexplicable hostility toward sand, the prequels don't stand a chance against us. After all, we have the high ground. -Miles

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for August 2017. The original description follows: We asked you what you wanted in the crosshairs of my neverending hatred, and the majority of you chose Terminator 2: Judgment Day, a film considered by many to be a legitimately great movie and considered by me to be kind of a pile of crap. The question of why I dislike Terminator 2 has been floating around the Smash Fiction oeuvre for a while now, and now the answer lies before you! But this bonus episode isn't just me ranting! Our very own Colin Mulkerin joined me moments after exiting a theatrical screening of Terminator 2, and what you're about to hear is our in-depth conversation about the film, from shaky time travel continuity to surprisingly awesome 1991 special effects to James Cameron's inexplicable love of turning horror movies into action movies. Please enjoy, and thank you so much for your support! -Miles

If you're hurting for some more Smash Fiction content, we have a blast from the past for you! Cast your mind to Phoenix, Arizona, back to the halcyon days of 2018, where Miles, Sharon, and Matias hosted a Surprise Party panel! Listen as three unwitting volunteers find themselves drawing characters from sources like Ben 10, Akira, Warhammer 40,000, Gravity Falls, and a surprising number of actual living people, and then send their parties on an epic quest for real, physical prizes! It's fun for the whole family! Presuming, of course, your family is a bunch of nerds.

Actor and cohost of Smash Fiction and the Garden Plots With Skeletor podcasts Dan Mulkerin returns to the Math of You. Along the course of this conversation, we discuss how Secret Wars was the original Smash Fiction, how it's a really bad idea to promise Spider-man free hot-dogs for life, and how Bok Choy is for closers.Signature Cocktail: The Nosy ParkerWhether you're a threat or a menace, here's a drink to steel your nerves.2oz irish whiskey1/2oz Benedictine D.O.M.1/2oz Extra Dry Vermouthcitrus twist, for garnishShake ingredients with ice to combine. Strain into a champagne coupe. Garnish with citrus twist.Follow Dan on Twitter at @danmulkerin, follow the show at @TheMathOfYou, and my wacky adventures at @lokified. If you'd like to be a guest on the show, send an email to themathofyou@gmail.com.If you like the music on the show, go to bit.ly/TheMathOfYou See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This is it: the final, climactic end of the Smash Fiction saga! As we prepare to draw the curtain on this story, we gather together for one final, over-the-top contest of strength, wits, and bullshit. We've seen fifty characters rise to victory over the course of season 3, but only one of them will ascend to the truly elevated status of SMASH BASH champion! The show may be coming to a close, but we have plenty of plans for the future, so make sure you stick around till the end of the episode to hear what to expect from us very soon. Thank you for such an amazing ride! Theme song is from https://filmmusic.io - "Hitman" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com). License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

The Smash Fiction saga comes to a climactic finish with our final match! That Tome of Eternal Darkness is up to its old tricks, and with its current hamburger-obsessed host proving to be a bit lackluster, the book stretches its dark tendrils across time and space in search of more fertile minds to corrupt. What it finds are three Jedi at the height of their respective powers. All three want to destroy the book... but none are willing to trust the tome's destruction to a lesser Force user. Rafael Medina joins us once more as we ask: Will Revenge of the Sith-era Obi-Wan's training, experience, and command of the high ground lead him to success? Will Rise of Skywalker-era Rey prove that these other two should stay in the past where they belong? Or will Return of the Jedi-era Luke Skywalker go down to Tosche Station to pick up the power converters... of victory?

The fourth and final Smash Fiction elemental free-for-all hits like an avalanche as three terrakinetics throw down for supremacy! The dragon Deathwing looks to celebrate his previous conquests and set the stage for his next glorious victory by staging a tournament of earth-users. Three magic portals later, he has his competitors: Toph Beifong from Avatar: The Last Airbender, Alex Louis Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist, and Terra of the Teen Titans from DC Comics! Which dirt-flinging powerhouse will win the favor of Deathwing the Destroyer? And more importantly, can Claire, Dan, and Kit survive that most earth-shattering of threats: a Liz Logan lightning round?!

Smash Fiction has always been about answering the oldest questions, and on this final episode of Smashtoberfest, we answer one of the oldest: Which Death is the best Death? It's a Death-Off, you might call it. Or maybe a Death Match. A Death Fight. A Death Conflict. A War of Deaths. A High-Tension Situation Between Deaths. A Deathybrook. I don't know, maybe there's some other, more marketable term for this kind of thing that could conceivably become popular on a platform like YouTube, but I'm sure I don't know what it is. Anyway, when the afterlife suddenly has an opening at the position of psychopomp, four fictional Deaths arrive to apply for the job. Death from Discworld writes out his application in all caps; Death from Sandman shows up for her interview in an outfit so outlandishly gothy that only she could possibly pull it off; Death from Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey is ready to show off a wide range of gaming skills; and nobody from Afterlife Resources is quite prepared when it's time to meet Joe Black. Which Death will successfully demonstrate their skill at transitioning souls to the next life and snag the gig with the biggest scythe (not to mention some sweet benefits)? Sharon Schneiderman returns to help us find out in an episode that, with no adult supervision in sight, rapidly descends into ridiculous chaos, never to recover. Also, Liz Logan outsources her argument, MeganBob demands softnessfaction, and Miles bullshits his last.

Cohost of Smash Fiction and the NXT Wrestling Fan podcasts and Hugo-award-winning fanfic writer Megan Bob returns to the Math of You. Along the course of this conversation, we discuss the odd cosmology of Dragon Jesus, porn cathedrals and the Sindarin word for blowjob, and we sit in the moment when we all had a crush on Trent Lane.Signature Cocktail: The DracoA drink to put fire in your belly, an edge on your teeth, and love into your heart.1oz tequila (or mezcal if you can get it)3/4oz Aperol1/2oz maraschino liqueur 3/4oz lime juicecitrus twist, for garnishShake ingredients with ice to combine. Strain into a champagne coupe. Garnish with citrus twist.Follow Megan Bob on Twitter at @MeganBobNess, follow the show at @TheMathOfYou, and my wacky adventures at @lokified. If you'd like to be a guest on the show, send an email to themathofyou@gmail.com.If you like the music on the show, go to bit.ly/TheMathOfYou See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It's that time again, naughty children: educational budget cut season! Under the Boris Johnson government, there's just not enough money in Britain for silly things like "schools" and "teachers" and "preparing the next generation to avert, or at least survive, the upcoming post-capitalist apocalypse." We're trying to turn a profit here, after all! Surely you wouldn't want to impinge upon our freedom! (Incidentally, there are several similar analogies to the current political climate sprinkled throughout this episode -- see if you can catch them all!) ...although it has to be said, there is one good thing to come out of this horrible public education budget. Two particular schools are up for inspection by the superintendent, and due to cost constraints, whichever school is deemed the lesser will see its headmistress sacked for incompetence. Why is this a good thing, you ask? Well, one of the headmistresses is Agatha Trunchbull, the massive Olympian and notorious child-thrower who was recently chased out of Crunchem Hall (and indeed, her home town) by the telekinetic five-year-old Matilda Wormwood. And the other is Dolores Umbridge, lately of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, from which she was removed after her gross abuses of power caused several prominent students, led by Harry Potter, to revolt against her. Both of them are absolutely horrible people with no business teaching children of any age or level of magical ability, but alas, the one that can best keep their students under control during the inspection will (somehow) keep her job at her new school. Still, one out of two ain't bad, as they say in the fictional 1980s England that exists only in my mind. Two former Smash Fiction champions, Natasha Winters and Marissa Bond, return to help us decide which evil teacher is better at tormenting children into temporary subservience, because we're all terrible and everybody here deserves to lose. The jokes are still funny, though! Promise!

You know, here on Smash Fiction, we're pretty open and honest with our fans. But that doesn't mean there aren't still some secrets we've been keeping close to the vest. Like the fact that three of our hosts are aspiring Pokémon trainers, for example. Not something we usually advertise. But it's true! Dan, Kit, and Claire have each caught and trained six fictional monsters (I mean, characters -- though at least three or four of them are also monsters) of varying types from across the multiverse, and are about to begin their greatest adventure yet! But between the nefarious Squirtle Squad, a mysterious Pokémon in a mech suit, and the ever-present machinations of Team Rocket, it's a dangerous world out there for our trainers and their fictional companions. Which of them will become the very best, like no one ever waaaaaaaaaaaas? You gotta catch every minute of this episode to learn the answer! Podcast listener, we choose you!

Hey look, the anniversary episode is on time this year! Maybe we ARE improving! Join Claire, Dan, Kit, Liz, and Miles, with a special appearance from the vacationing MeganBob, as they celebrate four years of complete madness, inexplicably aided and abetted by all of you. Once again, the episode opens with a patented SmashFic Supercut (longer and more self-indulgent than ever!) followed by the hosts, as usual, attempting to answer more listener questions than they could possibly get to. And finally, the special ends with an important announcement about the future of Smash Fiction. Thank you all so much for listening to this dumb show for four whole years. It bears repeating, as it always does, that we could not have done it without you. And once again, eternal thanks go out to Kevin MacLeod of www.incompetech.com for our music, which in this episode includes his songs Amazing Plan, Balloon Game, and Rains Will Fall.

Welcome, once again, to Tokyo, Japan. Once again, the stage is set for an age-old conflict to play itself out once more on the streets of this iconic city. Is it kind of insane that this keeps happening? Sure. Is there any end to the cycle of violence and confusion? Probably not. But are we going to try, once again, to repair the rift between opposing forces and find some sort of common ground? I mean, it's not what we usually do around here, but hey, you never know. ...wait, WarGreymon vs. Mechagodzilla? A pitched battle between a pair of powerful pugilists? Oh yeah, I guess that's also happening. I was talking about the conflict between Miles and all things produced by Japanese media. See, Miles is the judge for this one, and he knows almost nothing about Digimon. So in order to make their arguments, this week's advocates are going to have to... explain a few things. Will Miles' brain survive long enough for him to reach a verdict? Is there any hope that he might come out of this match with something resembling a better understanding of how and why these small digital monsters transform into larger monsters? And most importantly, is there any limit to the number of words you can add the prefix "digi" to? Have no fear, listeners, there is also an actual match in here somewhere. A match in which Tai Kamiya's faithful friend, Agumon, must use all the powers of his final form in an attempt to defeat the metallic cyborg version of Godzilla! Will WarGreymon's Dramon Destroyers and Chrome Digizoid be enough to overcome the evil impostor and protect the DigiDestined? Or will Mechagodzilla's eye lasers, missile fingers, and gun knees bring it the victory over its comparatively diminutive adversary? Find out in what might be the most convoluted and yet joke-packed episode of Smash Fiction yet!

Ever since the Marvel Cinematic Universe became a Thing, there's one question that nerds have been arguing about with their nerd friends: What's your ranking? Well, since here at Smash Fiction, we're all about settled the great nerd debates, we took it upon ourselves to settle this one. And how might one go about  coming up with a definitive ranking of the MCU movies? No, not a time heist, but that's a good answer. In this case, we assembled six podcasters from across the internet in our own legendarily powerful Infinity Podcast, asked them to rank all 22 films from Iron Man to Endgame, and then averaged the results! In this giant-sized special episode, our six hosts will discuss their favorite MCU films, their least favorite MCU films, the MCU films they believe to be overrated and underrated, and much more! By the end, you will finally have an MCU movie ranking that is eternal, undeniable, and beyond question. You know, until we change our minds. Your hosts include: Dan Mulkerin Miles and Sharon Schneiderman Rick Heinichen of the Unpacking the Power of Power Pack podcast Krista Contino-Saumby of the Unspoiled! Podcast Network Jason Alberich of the Longbox Crusade podcast   NERD PODCASTERS ASSEMBLE!

In the not-too-distant future (next Sunday A.D.), there is a guy named Joel, not too different from the hosts of this week's episode, in that he has recently been reading The King In Yellow. Or rather, watching a filmed production of The King In Yellow - the only one known to remain. See, Joel has spent years in space aboard the Satellite of Love thanks to the evil Dr. Forrester and his dimwitted assistant, Frank, who regularly subject Joel to the worst films they can find, FOR SCIENCE. But thanks to Joel's ingenious creation of the riffing robots Tom Servo and Crow, he and his mechanical buddies have resisted all efforts from "the Mads" to drive them over the mental edge, blasting cheesy B-movies apart with an endless supply of jokes and turning legitimately terrible scripts into satirical sketch comedy, much to the Forrester's chagrin. This movie is different, though. This is no poorly-acted financial flop featuring teenagers from outer space or a satanic Freddy Mercury. Since first coming to light via the short stories of Robert Chambers in 1895, The King In Yellow is a disturbing, sinister work of decadent nihilism that has a habit of driving those who read it into paranoia, delusion, sexual perversion, and violence. Its history is shrouded in the thick fog of the unknown; any knowledge of its origins and subsequent passage through the world has gone unrecorded, save for a few cases -- and the reliability of even those sources is questionable at best. Like the secret Lovecraftian horrors to which it provides humanity a brief, dreadful glimpse, it was never meant to be seen by mortal beings. Or, if it was, we must ask what sort of vile author would attempt to doom us all with such an act (well, two acts, actually). Can Joel and the Bots use their wit and riffing abilities to withstand the sanity-destroying effects of a movie that is not just bad, but that inflicts supernatural damage to the psyche while also being bad? Or will Hastur the Unspeakable (shit, sorry) lead them like puppets into the bleak realm of the Hyades and dim Carcosa? Kris Newton of the Gameable Podcast and MegaDumbCast returns to Smash Fiction to help us find out, and folks, he has come prepared. The Yelling Sign is found, the dreaded name of Monster a Go-Go is invoked, and at least one of our regular hosts goes insane by the end of opening arguments. Not upon us, oh King, not upon us! Far-Too-Late Disclaimer: Yeah, I'm afraid you definitely shouldn't have read that description, because while it may have seemed long-winded and banal, you now have no choice but to listen to this episode in full. We apologize for the impending insanity.

"Pray to the airwaves," the oracle said, insisting that we must not do this match. "Smash Fiction will fall. All of podcasting will fall. Trust not in Patrons. Honor the gods. But not the gods of thinking. Just the gods of yelling." Well, to quote King Leonidas himself when faced with a similar situation, "an epic sneer that, could it be heard out loud, would definitely sound weirdly Scottish!" In other words, fuck wisdom and fuck the Carneia, we have to decide which idealized fictional version of the historic Spartans would win in an even fight, 300 on 300, at Thermopylae! Because while Leonidas may command a fighting force that includes both Faramir from Lord of the Rings and Magneto, before him stands a company of Daenerys Targaryen's Unsullied, aligned in perfect lockstep and led by Grey Worm himself. In a battle of phalanx formations and fearlessness between the hyper-masculine and the no longer functionally male, only one army can survive, while the other dines in hell (a meal that presumably includes unborn puppies, honeyed dormice, and whatever other awful foods George R. R. Martin feels like spending a full page describing). To be certain, we are but humble podcast hosts and know little of the ways of war. Which is why we picked out 300 experts in both fictional and non-fictional history to be our personal bodyguards while we *sarcastic cough* just stretch our brains a bit. Unfortunately, most of them died in training and only Race for the Iron Throne's Steven Attewell was able to kill a child in front of its mother, but still, we're pretty sure he's enough. Can he help Miles finally take down both Zack Snyder and Frank Miller? Or will Liz Logan's obsession with abs carry her, once again, to eternal glory?

"Doctor?" we can hear you ask. "Doctor who?" Which you're asking either because you're an insufferable nerd (like the rest of us), or because you legitimately don't know. In which case, it is incumbent upon us to inform you that the Doctor is an alien Time Lord who flies haphazardly through time and space in a magic phone booth called the TARDIS, solving problems and saving people. And this week, we put those skills to the ultimate test, as the Doctor (the tenth Doctor, specifically -- ask an insufferable Who nerd about his various incarnations sometime, they will have OPINIONS) must solve the ultimate problem: the adaptable, unstoppable cyborg hive mind known throughout the Star Trek universe as the Borg. Can the Doctor save a helpless colony of humans from assimilation at the hands of a bigger, badder, sexier version of the Daleks and the Cybermen? Or will he once again have cause for terrible, eternal regret? To find out, the Smash Fiction collective has assimilated the biological and technological distinctiveness of game designer Jeff Stormer, of the Party of One, All My Fantasy Children, and Talking Nog podcasts (in our defense, he totally lowered his shields and surrendered his ships). Also, Miles repeatedly insults Montana in a bad British accent, MeganBob has many, many feelings about Star Trek characters, and the Lightning Round gets even weirder than usual, which, yes, that is apparently possible. We are Smash Fiction. You will listen to this episode. Resistance is futile.

Let's face it -- this one doesn't require much explanation. This one is about as obvious as making a metric crapton of money adapting illustrated children's fantasy stories into major studio franchise tentpoles. And while you can rest assured in the knowledge that Judge Claire Mulkerin will spend the better part of ten minutes setting up the admittedly convoluted but undeniably cohesive narrative in which this week's battle takes place, you already know the real reasons. Marvel vs. DC. The superhero known as Captain Marvel vs. the superhero who used to be known as Captain Marvel. The boss of space vs. Magic Superman. Over a billion at the box office vs. unusually good reviews for a DCEU movie. Carol Danvers vs. Billy Batson. Let the unrelenting comic book bullshit commence. Sarah Langan makes her Smash Fiction debut and immediately proves that she belongs right here with all the other dinguses, while Miles, Bob, and Dan basically just grunt and make frustrated noises at one another. Will one of the many, many times somebody says "Shazam" manage to transform this comic book clusterfuck into a decent episode? Or will our audience drown alongside us in an endless sea of semantics, speculation, specific issue numbers, spelling corrections, and salty pickles?

Howdy, stranger. Come on in from the cold, warm yourself up next to the fire. There's bad food, good whiskey, and a decent enough bed, if you're wanting a place to stay. Only take care, now -- you ain't from 'round here, so could be you can't smell it, but there's an ill wind a-blowing 'round these parts tonight, and the scent of gunpowder is in the air. I'm afraid you don't have the motel to yourself tonight, friend. One of our guests is a gunslinger named Susannah Dean, and when she's not questing for the Dark Tower, she's dipping what's left of her legs into the multidimensional arms trade. That there's a powerful risky business, which is how you get Tulip O'Hare sent after you. She was hell on wheels before she got caught up with some preacher and ended up face-to-face with God Almighty, and now she's coming here to collect the bounty on Susannah's head. Either one of these ladies could kick your ass with both hands tied behind her back, only it wouldn't matter because you'd already have a bullet in your head, anyways. But which one's a-gonna win? That right there is a powerful difficult question. So settle in, let me get you some of that whiskey. It's gonna be an interesting night. Also, Krista Contino Saumby of the Unspoiled! Podcast Network officially joins the Smash Fiction ka-tet, Matias Tautimez returns  (he didn't know how he knew it was time for another Dark Tower match -- he just knew), and Dan and Miles make the Sundowner fight look straightforward and neighborly by comparison.

When the ongoing Astro-Kerfuffle brings two groups of opposing forces, one from the USS Enterprise, one from their assigned Star Destroyer, each comprising fifty members, into combat on the decks of the NSEA Protector... You know what, no. The editor is protesting the continued existence of the Astro-Kerfuffle by refusing to write the normal style of description. I tried to kill this stupid thing more than a year ago, but the rest of you just won't let it go. I can't tell you how upset this makes me. Do you see what you've done? You've made me write this in first person! I never write episode descriptions in first person! Now I have to go weirdly meta with the whole thing, and it's all your fault! Anyway. When the Patrons of Smash Fiction demand a battle between history's most iconic space dumpuses, the hosts of Smash Fiction oblige. Not only do two of them argue that the red-shirted crew members of Star Trek's original series would survive in this match -- they argue that redshirts being especially death-prone is a full-blown myth, not supported by the text of the show! Not only do the other two argue that the Stormtroopers of Star Wars' original trilogy would survive in this match -- they argue that Stormtroopers being terrible at shooting is a full-blown myth, not supported by the text of the films! And thus did an entire sector of space become choked by the fog of shameless lies. In this contest between those who can't kill and those who can't help but be killed, which team will have their accuracy praised by Obi-Wan Kenobi? Which team will be solemnly pronounced dead (Jim) by Dr. McCoy? And more importantly, which team will win the Lightning Round, and perhaps, if they're lucky, make the cover of OSQ?

The Steve-ness is at an all-time high as Captain America (Steve Rogers) goes up against Steven Universe in one of the most wholesome matches Smash Fiction has ever done. These two Steves have each been tasked with training a group of upstart Power Rangers in the ways of teamwork and Steve-itude. In this match where normally you would find shouting, instead there are admiring sighs. Where normally there would be epithets, instead there are declarations of affection. Where normally you would find character with different names, you will find Steves.  Which shield-wielding Steve will save the day? Miles and MeganBob argue that age, experience, and beardliness are Steve Rogers' keys to victory. Claire and special guest Sharon Schneiderman argue that Steven Universe always finds a way. Dan presents the most Steve-ful Lightning Round yet! Listen in and unleash your inner Steve. 

"Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs..." John McClane reflects sarcastically. How the hell did this even happen? One minute he was in the Nakatomi building, fighting with his estranged wife and making fists with his toes. The next minute, that weird mogwai thing he'd brought as a present for his kids was running around the Christmas party, jumping into the fountain, and making more little gremlins come out to terrorize the shocked partygoers. Now McClane is trapped in the building, experiencing first-hand what a TV dinner must feel like, with a dozen scaly, evil puppet monsters trying to find him and kill him. Now he has to find a way to survive the night and rescue the human "hostages," and he has to do with all without shoes. Or a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho, I suppose. That's right, it's a Smash Fiction Christmas Match (yes it is, yes they are, yes both of them, shut up) between the iconic hero of the original Die Hard and the gibbering villains of the original Gremlins! Will McClane overcome the chaotic machinations and hive mind telekinesis (?) of his exquisitely puppeted opponents? Will the Gremlins take out McClane and still have time to catch the next Snow White screening? Will returning guest Rafael Medina abandon his argument entirely and simply pander to Judge Miles with a lengthy rant decrying the many crimes of capitalism? There's only one way to find out...but remember: never, ever listen to Smash Fiction after midnight.

Hypothetical: Assume that a mysterious, abandoned space station packed with advanced weapons and technology has suddenly entered Earth's orbit and is now floating there for the taking by any would-be world conqueror in the immediate vicinity. Assume, also, that you are an insane monkey inventor, or perhaps a telepathic ape supervillain. In either case, is there even a 1% chance you don't immediately steal a rocket ship and blast your way up there to lay claim to the alien spoils? Answer: No. No, there is not. Which is why the vehemently verbose Mojo Jojo and the master of mind control known as Gorilla Grodd have temporarily broken off their respective beefs with the Powerpuff Girls and the Flash to instead do battle with one another -- and to the winner go the shiny death machines! But of course, the situation has not gone completely unnoticed by the planet's protectors. With the rest of Overwatch currently busy dealing with other problems, the genetically engineered Winston loads up his jump pack and tesla cannon and heads to the station himself. And upon his arrival, the three hyper-intelligent apes ditch the fun and games and get down to...monkey business. Which simian will seize the win? Can Dan strike a balance between doing his Mojo impression and actually making an argument? Which is more permanently damaging to the psyche of Smash Fiction listeners -- Claire's never-ending monkey puns or Kit's relentless animal facts? And is MeganBob...okay? Special thanks (well, more so than usual) to Kevin McLeod of www.incompetech.com for the use of his songs "Hamster March," "Loping Sting," and "Pinball Spring" during this episode.

The Shinra Corporation is up to no good, rumors of impending doom are flying like a one-winged angel, and once again, a group of adventurers have come together to save the world. Of course, this is Surprise Party, so there are actually three groups, they're significantly more makeshift than most, and if you thought you knew how the story of Final Fantasy VII goes, the Smash Fiction crew is here to make it go a very, VERY different way! Of course, you don't need to know everything about Final Fantasy VII to enjoy the madness that ensues over the course of this episode. Hell, Miles is here for this one, and he doesn't know ANYTHING about Final Fantasy VII! But he does know how to draft a set of heroes from across the fictional multiverse that will compete in challenges from the video game in an effort to score the most points, win the most materia, and bet the most money on the chocobo races! Who will win this contest of the sword, the staff, and the dreaded dumpus? Join us as we push the limits of allowable Surprise Party characters, weave intricate stories of sex and dating, and in the end, suffer a sudden but inevitable betrayal!

It's once again time for hackles to rise, fur to fly, and Kit to get unreasonably excited about animals as Smash Fiction goes on its very own incredible journey! Cruella DeVille is in the market for some new formal attire and has gotten her evil hands on five of the most iconic cats and dogs of 80s and 90s kids movies. However, thanks in part to the blundering of Cruella's credulous cronies, Horace and Jasper, our adorable fluffy heroes have managed to escape, and now face a daunting challenge -- surviving the perils and pitfalls of the English wilderness on the path back to their respective idyllic points of origin, all while continuing to avoid Cruella and her grasping goons. Milo the kitten and Otis the pug puppy, best friends since birth and no strangers to the most hostile conditions the directors of their movie could sadistically envision, have their experiences in an apparently human-free world and the wisdom of bizarre Japanese dream owls to draw upon. But loyal dogs Shadow and Chance, alongside Sassy, their Himalayan cat companion, have already demonstrated the powers of teamwork, lion launching, and inexplicable pipe physics in their previous adventures. Will the three house pets once again prove that they can't be stopped when they're homeward bound? Or will Dudley Moore agonizingly narrate the story of Milo and Otis emerging victorious, no matter how many winter caves containing sexy animal ladies stand in their way? Brad Bultman is back again to collect experience points merely for surviving the encounter; Claire and Miles refuse to stop spinning their own contradictory narratives; Dan accidentally discovers how the human race will end; and Kit brings her own worst nightmares to life in the Lightning Round.

When an evil crime lord grows powerful enough to make multiple sovereign nations break into a cold sweat, there's really only one thing to do: call in a pair of hilarious but effective buddy cop comedy duos who cook some fools and don't play by the rules! Chief Inspector Lee of the Hong Kong police department is on the case, and still hasn't managed to shake off his partner, Detective James Carter of the LAPD. Rush hour has arrived once again, and Carter and Lee are ready to stop the traffic...of crime! However they soon find out that for this mission, they have some British competition -- and there's nothing they can do about it, the paperwork has all been signed. Sanford's own Nicholas Angel and Danny Butterman are also here in the name of promoting the greater good (the greater good) and quickly decide to show their international rivals why farmers and farmer's mums alike have learned to fear the fuzz! Will Carter and Lee demonstrate that war, huh, is sometimes good for winning Smash Fiction matches? Or will Angel and Butterman politely explain why you never touch an Englishman's police investigation? Tune in for fun and explosions as our advocates get heated in opening arguments, feel the rush in rebuttals, and improbably acquire the power of time travel in the Lightning Round! Also, if you've ever been curious to see just how angry Miles can get about a piece of media he doesn't like, you'll want to check this one out.

Magical puns and jokes about lighter fluid abound in this week's particularly charming episode of Smash Fiction, as Marvel and DC's respective California fashion-goth word witches do battle in a contest to see who can wave their wand, staff, or weird magic murder arm and make their opponent... disappear! Nico Minoru, the somewhat morally ambiguous member of the Runaways, A-Force, and most importantly, the Extraordinary League, has stolen the Book of Shadows to try and learn more about her own powers. But stage magician, actual magician, and off-and-on Justice League member Zatanna Zatara is wise to Nico's game and determined to take her down. Will Zatanna prevail with a muttered "niw siht hctam," or will Nico cry, "BULLSHIT!" and use the Staff of One to transform herself into a winner? Sharon Schneiderman returns with a vengeance (and a few cosplay ideas); Miles leans hard into Nico definitely not being evil, what are you talking about; MeganBob brings back her lawyer voice; Claire tries to speak backwards with varying results; and Liz Logan takes the Lightning Round to a dark, dark place.

When the Polynesian trickster god Maui steals the golden apples of the Hesperides and the mighty Olympian demigod known as Hercules is sent to get them back, there's only one way to figure out who would win in a fight. And when you're doing a Smash Fiction match between Disney characters, there's only one guest host to call in: Kris Newton of Gameable and MegaDumbCast! Unfortunately, Kris' attempts at thinking are immediately lost in a sea of yelling, as arguments over animated films about the power of love and friendship become possibly more heated than they ever have before! Also, Claire dives deep into the realm of cartoon physics (which is to be expected), MeganBob joins in on the raised voices and name-calling (which is most assuredly not to be expected) and Dan unwitting unleashes horrors the human mind was not meant to consider in the Lightning Round!

There was an idea (Smash Fiction listeners know this) called the Surprise Party Initiative. The idea was to bring together a group of remarkably nerdy idiots who could take the casts of popular stories and replace them with fictional characters from other stories, then compete with each other to see whose party would be the best one at completing the original story. It's a pretty stupid notion, but what the hell, we've done it twice before, might as well do it again! As you may have guessed, this time around, the SmashFic hosts are making their own teams of Avengers to fight off Loki and the invading Chitauri! With Dan as both their guide and their judge, they draft a set of heroes, compete in challenges from the film, and try to score the most points on the path that leads, inevitably, toward schwarma. Kit and Claire maintain their personal brands by picking exactly the characters you'd expect them to pick, Liz Logan uses her Surprise Party debut to provide one of the most heartbreaking moments in the history of storytelling, and Dan ends the contest with a final, massive twist that drives everybody in the world insane. Probably.  

When Chip Hazard and the Commando Elite activate their AI circuits and enter the magical nightmare world of Toy Story, it quickly becomes clear that Andy's house isn't big enough for both sets of dolls action figures. With the family away on vacation, Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and the rest of Andy's toys are forced to defend themselves against the assault of the besieging Small Soldiers. Will their strategy, physical prowess, and tendency toward accepting the inevitability of death and despair lead them to victory? Or will Chip, Brick, and the rest of the Elite do to their opponents what they once completely failed to do to the Gorgonites? Sam Gasch of the Ideal Remake podcast enters the Smash Fiction arena for the first time, MeganBob insists that toys can run at supersonic speed, Claire comes up with a cohesive theory for the integration of these two movies into the same fictional universe, and as always, Toy Story breaks everybody's brain until they don't really want to live anymore. Enjoy!

Join us in the lab this week as, once again, Claire guides three Smash Fiction hosts through the collaborative storytelling game called Collaboratory! This time around, we put together a most unusual heist crew consisting of characters from comics, video games, and Shakespeare, and send them into a dungeon in search of treasure and glory. Can our heroes survive monsters, death traps, and sudden but inevitable betrayal? Will any of our characters find love in this hopeless place? And just how many Sean Beans are too many Sean Beans?

Hile, listeners! Look closely, I beg. See a pair of legendary gunfighters, each among the most formidable to ever draw iron. In another life, perhaps, these two may have met under more amiable circumstances. Perhaps they have even become friends. But the world has moved on, and ka has decreed that their paths must cross in conflict. For one of these men is Roland Deschain of Gilead-that-was, the last gunslinger, he who seeks the Dark Tower and the room that sits at the top. The other is Vash the Stampede, of Trigun, a living whirlwind of strife and death whose skill with the gun is surpassed only by the amount of money that can be acquired for his head, and he stands in Roland's path. Ka is a demon bitch that way, may it do ya, and one of these men will not be leaving the battleground alive. See these Smash Fiction competitors, listeners. See them very well. And know that the irony of asking you to see things is not lost on us! See also their advocates, among them, returning guest hosts Matias Tautimez and Rafael Medina! Listen all the way to the end of the episode, despite Claire turning the opening scenario into a jumble o phonetic confusion and Miles producing perhaps the worst opening stinger in podcast history! Not all of them many survive this episode, but in the thanks section, we shall cry all their names!

Surprise Party is back, and just in time, because it's a period of civil war and somebody needs to blow up that damn Death Star! Of course, it won't be Princess Leia and her friends on any mercy mission this time -- several fictional characters were beamed to this podcast by Smash Fiction hosts. Claire, Kit, and MeganBob have constructed three parties of new New Hopes, and with Dan as their high-minded Force ghost guide, they will compete in a series of scored contests to see who will be the first to shit-talk Grand Moff Tarkin, move along a group of Stormtroopers, and become more powerful than Darth Vader can possibly imagine! Featuring Claire's never-ending well of Looney Tunes references, Kit and Bob being entirely on the same page during character selection, and the game-wrecking potential of the ignominious Dumpus! As always, Smash Metafiction has a light side and a dark side and binds the universe together, so fire up your astromech droids and let's do a Star War!

Smash Metafiction presents the second episode of Collaboratory, in which Claire Mulkerin guides three other Smash Fiction hosts through a collaborative storytelling process using the characters, settings, genres, goals, and MacGuffins they each independently brought to the table, stitched together via the screenwriting steps and structure from the book Save The Cat! In this sophomore effort, a few similarities between story elements don't make things any less fun, as super-strong teenagers hang out in bell towers, Kit combines her greatest fear with her affection for popular '80s music, and Miles enters the lab for the first time...

A dispute over a minor magical artifact turns into a battle of the dark princesses of fighting games, as whip fetishist and least-dressed Soul Calibur character Ivy Valentine takes on Darkstalker's resident bat-winged succubus, Morrigan Aensland, and the fan-flinging queen of Kombat, Princess Kitana, in the first actual straight-up combat match of Season 3! Will Ivy's use of the Soul Edge be enough to overcome the disadvantages conveyed on her by the basic rules of boob physics? Will Morrigan's combo-spamming techniques and shapeshifting abilities win the day over her better-known foes? Or will Kitana just inexplicably turn everyone into babies and be done with it? Also, the hosts perform an experiment to determine just how many terrible puns can fit in one episode, James Bond suffers a quick and hideous death, and for the second time in Smash Fiction history, somebody says the words, "Fuck you, Miles." This week's episode is brought to you by Corn Nuts and "The Aughts."

We've got winter sports fever here at Smash Fiction, so we've put together the ultimate showcase of figure skating athleticism for your listening pleasure! Japan's Yuri Katsuki joins with his rival, Russia's Yuri Plisetsky, as the team known as Yuri(s) on Ice--and they had better be prepared to make history, because their opponents are the legendary Americans Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy, better known as the Blades of Glory! Men will spin. Ice will be sliced. Same-sex coupling will be strongly implied. Will judge Dan be won over by Kit and Meganbob's contention that the Yuris' passion, love of pork, and actual visible skating skill will win the day? Or will Claire and special guest advocate Brad Bultman come flying down from the sky and successfully argue that skating prowess and blatant absurdity are not mutually exclusive?

Zookeeper, podcaster and co-host of the Smash Fiction podcast Kit Mulkerin is here to talk about Animorphs and Soul Calibur. Along the way, we discuss taking the powers of New Jersey into yourself, the superpower of being famous, and the realities of a Fallout Boy mosh pit.Signature Cocktail: Cosmic CastawayPart Mai Tai, part Margarita, part Pina Colada, all good. Behold this beverage, truly worthy of the King of Bob.2oz tequila1/2oz lime juice1/2oz triple sec1/4oz coconut syrup1/4oz simple syruplime wedge and fruit, for garnishCombine ingredients in a shaker with ice, and shake to combine. Pour without straining into a cocktail glass and garnish with fruit. If you're feeling fancy, rim the glass with salt.Follow Kit on Twitter at @DreadKithulhu, follow the show at @TheMathOfYou, and my wacky adventures at @lokified. If you'd like to be a guest on the show, send an email to themathofyou@gmail.com.If you like the music on the show, go to bit.ly/TheMathOfYou See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It's another episode of Smash Metafiction, featuring the debut of a new experimental game -- Surprise Party! Drawing from fictional characters across the multiverse, the Smash Fiction hosts build their own adventuring parties of fighters, rogues, mages, clerics, and bards (not to mention the dreaded "dumpus") and see whose team can best complete the trials and tribulations of a previously existing story. In the inaugural episode, Dan guides three cobbled-together character coalitions through the plot of The Lord of the Rings, scoring them from best to worst in a series of contests that will, ultimately, determine which party successfully casts the Ring of Power into the fires of Mount Doooooooooooom! Will Sauron be defeated (by Claire's commitment to Jedi pacifism)? Will Middle-Earth be saved (thanks to a bunch of weirdos that only Miles has ever heard of)? Will Kit show up with any characters that are human and/or have the ability to speak? There's only one way to find out: Listen, you fools!

Well, listeners, it's finally happened. It was inevitable, really. It was clear right from the beginning that one day, these events would occur. Most of us never believed in the prophecy, but here we are. Smash Fiction has finally, officially caught the slashfic bug (MeganBob is actually the disease's primary carrier, so yeah, should have seen that one coming). Not only that, but we've infected the Gameable Podcast with it, as well. Kris and Katrina had no choice but to return to our show once again, this time for a series of arguments that would be purely speculative if they weren't so completely obvious. Smash Fiction's pledge has always been to answer the big questions, and this week, we tackle one of the biggest there's ever been. If, in one room, you were to put James Tiberius Kirk captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and his first officer, Commander Spock, and in another room, you put Frodo Baggins and his faithful friend and gardener, Samwise Gamgee...which hypothetical dream couple would be the first to throw out their inhibitions and get busy? Will Kris use the sheer depth of his Lord of the Rings philosophy to defeat Dan's insistence on things like facts and evidence? Will Katrina realize her secret destiny as a wedding planner? Will MeganBob somehow be able to prevent herself from shipping other characters during this process? And how can Claire possibly make a decision between the two? At long last, the definitive answers to all these questions lie within your grasp...if, that is, your mind can survive the experience.

What happens when the Opera Populaire's legendary Phantom and the man known as Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, start killing people simultaneously in a Paris that is now under the steely-eyed watch of the miserable but constantly rules-enforcing Inspector Javert? Why, the most musical episode of Smash Fiction in history, of course! As Todd and the Phantom attempt to avoid the investigative attentions of the good inspector (well, the lawful neutral inspector, at least), all the SmashFic hosts break into song, at least one of them raps, the long-lost Musical Round returns, and Rafael Medina is here, so some of it actually sounds good! Will the Phantom leave one last chronology-muddling rose on his enemy's grave, or will Sweeney Todd have a brand new flavor of pie to sell in Mrs. Lovett's shop? And how much singing is there in this episode, really? (Hint: So much. There's so much singing.)

Writer, podcaster and co-host of the Smash Fiction podcast Miles Schneiderman is here to talk about newspaper comics, with a focus on Calvin & Hobbes. Along the way, we discuss trying and succeeding to be a middle-school asshole, the Mystery of The Enshortening, and how comics have the power to deliver joy and heartbreak like no other medium.Signature Cocktail: Calvinball See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

With a mind-melting 100 episodes in the can, it's once again time for Smash Fiction's season finale, the Smash Bash Championship! All six hosts join forces yet again, this time to draft teams of five Season 2 victors. These teams will then be tested in the Lightning Gauntlet -- no fewer than SIX ridiculous Lightning Rounds in a row! The winners of these Lightning Rounds will go on to compete in the Ultimate Smashdown, a final fight to determine the new Smash Fiction champion! Who will assume the throne? Who will be found wanting? How long can we possibly sustain this amount of bullshit? Incidentally, given the fact that you all somehow allowed us to reach 100 episodes, the answer to that last question appears to be "pretty damn long."

100 episodes. Holy shit. We don't entirely know how this happened, but we do know that it wouldn't have happened without all of you. So thank you, from the bottom of all our cockles, and as a small token of our appreciation, please enjoy 80 whole minutes of the six regular Smash Fiction hosts going completely fucking insane, in their own unique ways. You don't actually need to have seen Lord of War, Gone In 60 Seconds, Deadfall, Bangkok Dangerous, or G-Force. You just need love (and Nicolas Cage) in your heart. And deep down inside, everyone has that. Welcome to Cage Match 3... ...and Merry Cagemas!

Question: For about an hour, why was the Fire Princess' kingdom Armageddon? Answer: THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT! Four fire-themed characters turn up the heat on one another and the advocates deliver some burns of their own in an appropriately aggressive elemental contest. Will Zuko's fire-bending and general moodiness make him a Smash Fiction avatar? Will Kit's tendency to get SUPER close to the mic when she's angry help her defend her beloved Roy Mustang? Will Chandra Nalaar use her interplanar wizardry and her incredible collection of quotes to burn her enemies to ash? Or will Miles' love of the New Warriors and unending supply of bullshit comic book science allow him to unleash Firestar's true power? Also, MeganBob is the least judgmental judge of all time, Kit reviews Full Metal Alchemist in both manga and anime form, and Miles steadfastly refuses to learn anything about the actual story of Magic: The Gathering.