Podcast appearances and mentions of doug abrams

Do your relationships tend to develop at a romantic comedy pace, only to get messy fast and fall apart dramatically? If you've struggled to find sustainable, lasting love, then this episode is for you. Learn about common pacing pitfalls that prevent couples from building stable partnerships, including red flags such as love bombing, how pacing can help you work skillfully with the “addiction” of love, and what to do when your pacing doesn't match your partner's.Key Takeaways00:00 - Intro02:38 - What is pacing in dating? And why should we care?19:23 - How can we pace the development of a new relationship for long-term success?36:43 - What are signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?50:11 - What if your pacing doesn't match your partner's pacing?Resources and linksFor full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcastEp. 1 - You Aren't Crazy, Dating is Hard (Especially for Anxious Folx)Ep. 2 - What to look for in a long-term partnerEight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.Natalie Lue's blog Baggage Reclaim

Are you buying into the myth that love should just magically work? Forget fairy tales—real, lasting love takes effort, communication, and intention. In this episode, Charles and Dan break down the final chapter of The Man's Guide to Women and uncover the science-backed secrets to making relationships last.We dive into:✅ The essential ingredient for a strong relationship: Trust✅ Why conflict avoidance is ruining your connection✅ The biggest myths about love (and how they set you up for failure)✅ Small, daily habits to affair-proof your relationship✅ The six-second kiss—does it really work?

Berry takes us on a journey into the mind of Doug Abrams on this recent episode of "Wisdom and Action". "‘Summer of grass fires': Authorities warn of increased fire risk"; "On the Benefits of Changing One's Mind in Public": "Biden races to Trump-proof his climate legacy"; "Where the trees once stood"; "Despite Likely Setback for Climate Action With This Year's Election, New Climate Champions Set to Enter Congress"; "How to Think About Climate and Environmental Policies During a Second Trump Administration"; "Reckoning With Climate Anxiety in the Wake of the US Election"; "Will Trump's Re-Election Threaten Global Climate Progress Ahead of COP29 Talks?"; "ClimateActNow"; "Scientists are wary and uncertain as Trump returns to power"; "A Movement of Many"; "Cop29 could change the financial climate for the world's wealthy polluters"; "Global boiling, mass flooding and Trump: 10 big talking points for Cop29"; "We can prepare for hurricanes, heatwaves and flooding – but only if we are bold at Cop29"; "The Australians who sounded the climate alarm 55 years ago: ‘I'm surprised others didn't take it as seriously'"; "In the Eye of the Storm: TV Meteorologists Talk Climate".

Are you tired of finding yourself in toxic relationships, Dear Listener? Wondering how to break the cycle and find someone who truly complements you? Then this episode is tailor-made for you! Join us as we introduce a practical 5-step process that you can use to finally find healthy, lasting love.We begin with an overview of the four keys to avoiding toxic relationships, then delve into the crucial practice of mindfully assessing compatibility. Learn how to conduct compatibility experiments that quickly clarify your relationship's health. Jessica and Josh share personal anecdotes and practical tips to illustrate how fear-based dating practices lead to high-conflict relationships and what you can do instead.By the end of this episode, you'll be equipped with a five-step process that is invaluable in avoiding toxic relationships and mindfully evaluating your potential partners. From clarifying your relationship vision to assessing the data collected from compatibility experiments, you'll gain the tools to create a loving, secure partnership.Key Takeaways00:00 - Intro01:45 - How do I stop getting into toxic relationships?05:58 - Mindfully assessing compatibility13:19 - Fear-based dating vs. mindfully assessing compatibility24:26 - The five steps to mindfully assessing compatibilityResources and linksFor full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcastDisentangling from Emotionally Immature People by Lindsay C. GibsonEp. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term PartnerWhat to Look for in Partner free guideEight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.Ep. 12 - Dating While Healing From TraumaEp. 4 - How pacing can help you find love that lastsBig Talk and Heart-Opening Questions: Conversation Tips for Shy Introverts Who Can't Seem to Find an LTRHave a question or comment? Email us at podcast@relationshipcenter.com. We love hearing from you!If you'd like to work with one of the talented clinicians on our team, go to relationshipcenter.com/apply-now to apply for a free 30-minute consultation.To get a monthly email with our best content, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter.If something in this episode touched you, will you share it with a friend? That helps us reach more sweet humans like you.Lastly, we'd love it if you would...

Navigating Conflict and Embracing VulnerabilityIn this special Mens Health Month episode, I'm joined by John Flanagan, an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and certified Gottman therapist. Today, we're focusing on important aspects of men's mental health.We break down myths about men and emotional expression, explore the importance of creating supportive environments, and share practical advice on how to talk about feelings. We also explore how conflict can strengthen relationships and why validation is key to effective communication.Key PointsDebunking Myths about Men's EmotionsJohn challenges the idea that men struggle to talk about their feelings: "I think men are very capable of engaging in conversations about what's going on in their world and inside them. It's not about a genetic flaw; it's about creating environments that encourage such conversations."Creating Supportive EnvironmentsWe discuss how to foster spaces that encourage men to share their emotions and feel safe doing so.The Role of ValidationUnderstanding how to validate someone's feelings without agreeing with them: "You can validate and be connected or be right and be alone. Validation is about acknowledging the person's experience."Conflict as a ToolDiscover how conflict can help you understand your partner better and strengthen your relationship.Practical AdviceGet actionable tips on fostering better communication and emotional expression, including the use of open-ended questions and creating safe spaces for emotional conversations.Repairing RelationshipsLearn why making repairs after conflicts is crucial and how to do it effectively.Community SupportExplore ways to find support in your community, even outside of therapy.Featured Quotes"I think men are very capable of engaging in conversations about what's going on in their world and inside them. It's not about a genetic flaw; it's about creating environments that encourage such conversations."John Flanagan"You can validate and be connected or be right and be alone. Validation is about acknowledging the person's experience."About your guest John has an extensive history working with and supporting individuals and couples since completing his Bachelor of Social Work in 1988 and later a Masters in Gestalt Therapy and certification in Gottman Couples Therapy.John is one of the first two Certified Gottman Couple Therapists in Australia - and only two Australians to hold the title of Certified Gottman Couple Therapist, Advanced Clinical Trainer and Consultant. Not only does John provide the accredited training for all of the Gottman Levels in Australia, he also facilitates many other trainings to professionals, key note speaking to groups as well as being a co author of '365 Simple Ideas to Improve your Relationship'John regularly has clients seek his services from all around the world.ResourcesGottman card deck app - on smartphoneBooks 7 principles to make marriage work by John Gottman8 Dates bookJohn Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD. Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams, MDCome as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life Emily NagoskiFight Right How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman...

Two Truths and Three Lies About Hope and HumanityACE Festival Keynote featuring Douglas Abrams, one of the authors of The Book of Hope, EMU’s 2023-24 Common Read.  In a world that seems so troubled, how do we hold on to hope? New York Times-bestselling author Doug Abrams will examine this most sought-after and least-understood element of human nature.....

"Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love"

In this NCAJ Legends interview, recorded during the NCAJ Convention 2022 as part of its 60th anniversary celebration, host John McCabe interviews Doug Abrams, NCAJ Past President and a partner in the firm of Abrams & Abrams, P.A. in Raleigh, North Carolina. Doug highlights NCAJ's commitment to protecting the ‘ordinary people' and implementing a fair system. We learn of Doug's competitive spirit and love for his work, driven by a genuine concern for his clients' well-being. Doug recounts stories from his career, including exposing falsified documents and proving negligence in a crane accident case. Doug also shares the importance of his family and the growth and financial stability of NCAJ. Doug dreams of a future where NCAJ continues to advocate for justice and contributes to a positive impact on North Carolina's legal system.

On this episode of Mission Chats we are joined by Doug Abrams, founder and executive director of Casa de Mariposa. Casa de Mariposa exists to minister the love of Jesus Christ to women experiencing unintended pregnancy in the Albuquerque Metro Area by providing for their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs in a residential setting.For more information about Casa de Mariposa visit www.casademariposa.org or call (505) 358-5341. If you or someone you know needs resources or support for an unexpected pregnancy please visit: Casa de Mariposa | www.casademariposa.org | (505) 358-5341CareNet Pregnancy Center | www.care-net.org | (877) 791-5475 toll-free For more information about First Baptist Church of West Albuquerque visit www.fbcwa.org.

Do your relationships tend to develop at a romantic comedy pace, only to get messy fast and fall apart dramatically? If you've struggled to find sustainable, lasting love, then this episode is for you. Learn about common pacing pitfalls that prevent couples from building stable partnerships, including red flags such as love bombing, how pacing can help you work skillfully with the “addiction” of love, and what to do when your pacing doesn't match your partner's.Key Takeaways00:00 - Intro02:15 - What is pacing in dating? And why should we care?19:00 - How can we pace the development of a new relationship for long-term success?36:20 - What are signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?49:50 - What if your pacing doesn't match your partner's pacing?Resources and linksFor full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcastEpisode 1: You aren't crazy, dating is hard (especially for anxious folx)Episode 2: What to look for in a long-term partnerEight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman PhD, Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.Natalie Lue's blog Baggage ReclaimLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even a short review helps other people find the show!Looking for some help finding your person? Visit relationshipcenter.com

This week we talk about the take-aways from spending time with the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, plus weird junk finds. Because why not? Filmmaker Peggy Callahan spent a lot of time listening to spiritual leaders while working with author Doug Abrams who co-authored The Book of Joy. She wrote for the Today Show, “Their message is needed now more than ever. We're heading into the “most wonderful time of the year” and yet so many people are struggling. We're wrestling with how to bring “joy to the world” when life is wrought with stress and challenges.” They also created “Mission: JOY — Finding Happiness in Troubled Times,”a documentary. DOG TIP FOR LIFE! There's nothing wrong with loving your stuff. - Pogie the puppy. SHOUT OUT! The music we've clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here's a link to that and the artist's website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It's “Summer Spliff” by Broke For Free. WE HAVE EXTRA CONTENT ALL ABOUT LIVING HAPPY OVER HERE! It's pretty awesome. AND we have a writing tips podcast called WRITE BETTER NOW! We have a podcast, LOVING THE STRANGE, which we stream live on Carrie's Facebook and Twitter and YouTube on Fridays. Her Facebook and Twitter handles are all carriejonesbooks or carriejonesbook. But she also has extra cool content focused on writing tips here. Carrie is reading one of her poems every week on CARRIE DOES POEMS. And there you go! Whew! That's a lot! LINKS WE REFERENCE https://markets.businessinsider.com/news/stocks/it-s-back-1-800-got-junk-s-list-of-weird-junk-finds-in-2022-1031969251 https://www.today.com/life/essay-life/dalai-lama-archbishop-tutu-joy-rcna60757 https://www.king5.com/article/news/local/washington-company-discovers-famous-shipwreck-150-years-later/281-cc813e7f-2fa1-487e-a721-55f81296a3c7

This week we talk about the take-aways from spending time with the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, plus weird junk finds. Because why not? Filmmaker Peggy Callahan spent a lot of time listening to spiritual leaders while working with author Doug Abrams who co-authored The Book of Joy. She wrote for the Today Show, “Their message is needed now more than ever. We're heading into the “most wonderful time of the year” and yet so many people are struggling. We're wrestling with how to bring “joy to the world” when life is wrought with stress and challenges.” They also created “Mission: JOY — Finding Happiness in Troubled Times,”a documentary. DOG TIP FOR LIFE! There's nothing wrong with loving your stuff. – Pogie the puppy. SHOUT OUT! The music we've clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here's a link to that and the artist's website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It's “Summer Spliff” by Broke For Free. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/carriejonesbooks/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/carriejonesbooks/support

Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams is a family-practice physician who is also board-certified in holistic medicine. She is the founder and medical director of Santa Cruz Integrative Medicine and Chi Center, where she specializes in holistic approaches to health and sexuality. Rachel has authored and co-authored 5 marvelous books including “The Multi-Orgasmic Woman,” “The Man's Guide to Women,” “BodyWise,” and “Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,” the latter co-authored with John Gottman, his spouse Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Rachel's own husband, the writer and editor Doug Abrams. What happens when such a highly accomplished human takes a sabbatical? https://www.doctorrachel.com/ (https://www.doctorrachel.com/)

Instead of a cross-country road trip, this summer we took our kids to https://drdianahill.us3.list-manage.com/track/click?u=86ab210c1763ef650dd68ed6e&id=232e569aa0&e=663becdf54 (Plum Village,) a Buddhist monastery in southwest France founded by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen Master. Faced with https://drdianahill.us3.list-manage.com/track/click?u=86ab210c1763ef650dd68ed6e&id=083fb7433c&e=663becdf54 (pandemic stress), we were on screens too much, taxed by relentless to-dos, and felt increasingly dissatisfied. Teetering on https://drdianahill.us3.list-manage.com/track/click?u=86ab210c1763ef650dd68ed6e&id=c56047d172&e=663becdf54 (parental burn-out), we were craving peace, time away from devices, and strategies to handle increasingly uncertain times. It's a stretch to sign up 9-year-old and 12-year-old boys for a week of mindful walking, silent meals, and sitting meditation. We were willing to take the leap if it could reconnect us and help us find our grounding as a family again. In this episode, I share with you 6 lessons and related practices helping us to restore our homeostasis and how you can try them at home. About Dr. Diana Hillhttps://drdianahill.com/ (Diana Hill, Ph.D.) is a clinical psychologist, speaker, and co-author ofhttps://drdianahill.com/book/ ( )https://drdianahill.com/book/ (ACT Daily Journal: Get unstuck and live fully with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.) Diana encourages clients to let go ofhttps://drdianahill.com/striving-thriving-summit/ ( )https://drdianahill.com/striving-thriving-summit/ (unhealthy striving) and build psychological flexibility so that they can live more meaningful and fulfilling lives. Diana blogs forhttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/striving-thriving ( )https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/striving-thriving (Psychology Today), is on the clinical advisory board ofhttp://lightfully.com/ ( )http://lightfully.com/ (Lightfully Behavioral Health), and is a guest teacher at InsightLA, Mindful Heart Programs, PESI and Praxis CE. Go tohttps://drdianahill.com/ ( )https://drdianahill.com/ (drdianahill.com) or her channels onhttps://www.instagram.com/drdianahill/ ( )https://www.instagram.com/drdianahill/ (Instagram),https://www.facebook.com/drdianahill/ ( )https://www.facebook.com/drdianahill/ (Facebook),https://twitter.com/drdianahill ( )https://twitter.com/drdianahill (Twitter),http://youtube.com/drdianahill ( )http://youtube.com/drdianahill (YouTube) (@drdianahill) to learn more..  Key TakeawaysLesson 1: I Have Arrived I am Home Lesson 2: Happiness Is Here and Now Lesson 3: There's No Need To Hurry Lesson 4: Are You Sure? Lesson 5: Let Your Work Be A Gift Of Service Lesson 6. Your Future Is Today Relevant Resources Mentionedhttps://drdianahill.com/extras/ (Download Your Daily Practice for Episode 32 to get practices related to each lesson above ) https://www.thefilmcollaborative.org/fiscalsponsorship/projects/missionjoy (Mission Joy) Movie by Doug Abrams about the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu https://plumvillage.org/#filter=.region-na (About Plum Village) https://sevengoodthings.com/five-contemplations-by-thich-nhat-hanh/ (The 5 Contemplations of Eating) https://drdianahill.com/striving-thriving-summit-2022/ (Sign up for the Free From Striving To Thriving 2.0 Summit launching this October 21-22!) https://drdianahill.com/captivate-podcast/overcome-overeating-using-behavioral-neuroscience-with-dr-judson-brewer/ (YLIP episode on Eating with Jud Brewer) https://drdianahill.com/events/ (Join Diana at an upcoming events) https://drdianahill.com/reset-and-restore-retreat/ (Reserve your spot with Diana for Retreat in Costa Rica in 2023)! Thank you for listening to Your Life in Process! If you have any questions or feedback you can contact me by email at podcast@yourlifeinprocess.com, leave me an audio message at (805) 457-2776, or message me on Instagram @drdianahill and remember when you become psychologically flexible, you become free. Stay tuned...

KathyDan and Jess enjoy a fun exploration into dating. They discuss the red and green flags in relationships, share some funny dating stories, and look at how we have to be our best selves first to truly be ready for a healthy relationship. The team wraps it up by answering some listener questions in the Asked and Answered segment about ADHD and nicotine as well as music as a form of therapy.*********************************************************The National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-7233 or SMS: Text START to 88788The Novel Cure: From Abandonment to Zestlessness: 751 Books to Cure What Ails You by:Ella Berthoudhttps://amzn.to/3C1ukE0Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love By: by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D. https://amzn.t/3zQJFEHThe Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships By: John Gottman https://amzn.to/3C3klOCThe Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy (The Seven Days Series) ( available for Pre-order) by  John Gottman Ph.D. & Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D.  https://amzn.to/3drZ5rF ********************************************************* Have a question for our Asked and Answered Segment? Email Us!AskUs@spillingthetheratea.comFollow us on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/spillingthetherateapodcastFollow us on Facebook!https://www.facebook.com/Spilling-the-Thera-Tea-103883072393873/ ********************************************************* DISCLAIMER: This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not replace the advice you may be receiving from a licensed therapist.This podcast and website represents the opinions of KathyDan Moore, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Co-Host Jess Lowe, and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be taken as medical advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions.Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own. While we make every effort to ensure that the information we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors.Privacy is of utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect patient confidentiality.This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony.  No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website.In no way does listening, reading, emailing or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship.If you find any errors in any of the content of  these podcasts or blogs, please send a message to kdandjess@spillingthetheratea.com. For sponsor inquiries, please email: kdandjess@spillingthetheratea.comPodcast Music by:  Lemon Music Studio

Are you experiencing emotional and physical depletion from parenting? It has been a long haul in the pandemic and you are not alone. Close to half of the parents reported being burned out. In this episode of Your Life In Process, Diana and Julie Bogart discuss strategies for how to navigate away from burnout and towards an imaginative and psychologically flexible parenting style that aligns with your values. Psychological flexibility allows you to stay connected with your values as a parent and engaged with your children.  About Julie BogartJulie Bogart is known for her common sense parenting and education advice. She's the author of the beloved book The Brave Learner, which has brought joy and freedom to countless home educators. Her online coaching community, Brave Learner Home, the Brave Writer podcast, and Julie's popular Instagram account are lifelines for tens of thousands of weary parents all over the world. Julie's also the creator of the award-winning, innovative online writing program called Brave Writer, now 22 years old, serving 191 countries. She home-educated her five children who are globe-trotting adults. Today, Julie lives in Cincinnati, Ohio, and can be found sipping a cup of tea while planning her next visit to one of her lifelong-learning kids. Key TakeawaysRoll with your child's emotional experience and be in wonder. Spark and allow their imagination. Remembering yourself outside of being a parent with nourishment. You are not meant to do parenting alone. Share and connect with others.  Slow down and savor the moments in your parenting life. Take in your moments of success into your nervous system. Relevant Resources Mentionedhttps://drdianahill.com/extras/ (Download your Daily Practice for Episode 13 Here) Read https://raisingcriticalthinkers.com/ (Raising Critical Thinkers) Website Learning Platform: https://bravewriter.com/ (Brave Writer) Follow Julie on https://z-p42.www.instagram.com/juliebravewriter/?hl=en-gb (Instagram: JulieBraveWriter) https://thebravelearner.com/ (Read The Brave Learner) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/brave-writer/id523508661 (Listen to Julie Bogart's Podcast) Read https://celadonbooks.com/book/the-book-of-hope/ (Doug Abrams & Jane Goodall: The Book of Hope)  https://drdianahill.com/ (Learn More about Dr. Diana Hill) https://drdianahill.com/events/ (Diana's upcoming events) Thank you to my team Craig Schneider, Angela Stubbs, Ashley Hiatt, Abby Diehl, and to our sponsor https://lightfully.com/ (Lightfully Behavioral Health) for making this podcast possible. Thank you to Benjamin Gould of https://bellandbranch.com/ (Bell & Branch) for your beautiful music. Stay tuned for my next episode on YLIP with Dr. Nedra Tawwab on Setting Boundaries. Episode Segments[00:00] Introduction [01:25] Meet Julie Bogart [02:23] Sponsor: Lightfully Behavioral Health [03:32] What is Parental Burnout? [07:46] Changing Expectations [11:35] Cognitive Flexibility and Critical Thinking [18:30] Critical Thinking and Kids [22:45] Imagination and Problem Solving [29:58] Raising Critical Thinkers in the Digital Age [33:57] The Washing The Water Bottle Test For Burnout [35:12] Ideas for Burned-out Parents [42:23] Julie's Take on Your Life in Process [48:51] Takeaways [49:50] Your Daily Practice [52:28] Connect With The Podcast

This week's conversation is with Doug Abrams, an author and truth hunter.Doug is committed to helping catalyze the next evolutionary stage of our global culture – and he's worked with some incredible human beings along the way.He co-wrote The Book of Joy with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, he's worked with Stephen Hawking on his last book, the global bestseller Brief Answers to the Big Questions, and has had the privilege of working with other Nobel Laureates including Nelson Mandela, Jody Williams, and Elizabeth Blackburn. Doug is also devoted to spreading the importance of conservation and fighting climate change.He co-wrote his newest book, The Book of Hope: A Survival Guide for Trying Times, with Jane Goodall. In this urgent book they explore, through intimate and thought-provoking dialogue, one of the most sought after and least understood elements of human nature: hope. What we hope that you take from this conversation is a recalibration - to reconnect with that part inside of you that sees the good, hopes for a better future, and works towards it every day.----Please support our partners!We're able to keep growing and creating content for YOU because of their support. We believe in their mission and would appreciate you supporting them in return!!To take advantage of deals from our partners, head to http://www.findingmastery.net/partners where you'll find all discount links and codes mentioned in the podcast. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

As we grapple with a global pandemic, experiential climate change, mass species extinction, and many other dire calamities—it can feel like the world has lost its moral center. But every solution begins with hope—the antidote to what ails us.Famed primatologist, climate activist, and global icon Jane Goodall has devoted her life to better understanding our natural world and preserving its majesty. As one can expect, the 87-year-old has some thoughts about our enduring climate crisis—thoughts that don't revolve around cynicism, anger or pessimism—but instead are all about hope. A hope that is fierce. A hope underscored by action, empathy, and optimism.How can someone who has studied the climate crisis for the better part of her life maintain such a positive disposition in the face of humanity's self-destructive trajectory? What does hope even mean? And why is it desperately incumbent upon all of us to cultivate hope as a strategy to best evolve as humans and a global community?Today's guest Douglas Abrams wanted answers to these questions. Needed answers. So he sought out Jane and spent countless curious hours with her, culminating in the Book of Hope, a beautiful and intimate look into the heart and mind of a woman who has truly revolutionized how we view the world around us.Returning for his second appearance on the show, Douglas is a literary agent, editor, author, and former Stanford classmate.He initially joined the podcast back in February 2017 (RRP 274) to discuss the first in his Global Icon series of books, The Book of Joy—an instant New York Times bestseller that beautifully synthesizes a series of conversations between Douglas, The Dalai Lama and Bishop Desmond Tutu on the nature of human happiness and suffering.A continuation of our former conversation, today, we pivot from joy to focus on hope. Hope as an antidote to helplessness. Hope as our greatest strength. And hope as the foundation upon which all solutions emerge.It's also a conversation about the importance of empathy. Meeting resistance with patience. Obstinate grace. And what it means to completely devote yourself to what's right.But mostly, this is a discussion about what we can all learn from Jane Goodall's example. Why it's incumbent upon all of us to shoulder an urgent but hopeful responsibility for the future of our planet. And how to best lead by example.To read more, click here. You can also watch it all go down on YouTube. And as always, the podcast streams wild and free on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Douglas is an impressive intellect and a charming, curious conversation partner. I always leave time spent with him better than before. My hope is that this exchange will impact you similarly.Peace + Plants, See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

#therichsolution #dougabrams #bookofhopeJoin Gwen Rich and her new guest today at 10:00am CT on Mojo50 Radio. Doug Abrams, internationally-bestselling author with Jane Goodall, the world's most famous living naturalist wrote “The Book of Hope”. The book touches on vital questions including: How do we stay hopeful when everything seems hopeless? How do we cultivate hope in our children? Listen @ 10:00am CT on:www.mojo50.comiHeart RadioiTunesApple

Lisa is solo today.  Her guest is Douglas Abrams who talks about the book he did with Jane Goodall, The Book of Hope: A Survival Guide for Trying Times.Doug Abrams is a multiple New York Times-bestselling author as well as an editor, literary agent, and film producer who is committed to helping catalyze the next evolutionary stage of our global culture. He co-wrote "The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World" with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and "The Book of Hope: A Survival Guide for Trying Times" with Jane Goodall. He has coauthored many bestselling non-fiction books and has has written two novels, "The Lost Diary of Don Juan" and "Eye of the Whale", which together have been translated into over thirty languages.  Doug is the Founder and President of Idea Architects, a creative book and media company helping visionaries to create a wiser, healthier, and more just world.  As a literary agent and editor, he has also worked with Bryan Stevenson on his #1 New York Times bestseller "Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption" and Stephen Hawking on his last book, the globalbestseller "Brief Answers to the Big Questions."  He has had the privilege of working with many great thought leaders, visionary scientists, and humanitarians including Nobel Laureates Nelson Mandela, Jody Williams, and Elizabeth Blackburn.  Doug has also worked with Desmond Tutu as his coauthor, editor, and literary agent for almost two decades.  Dialogue is key to Doug's work, and he believes that genius is a collaborative process. His goal is to bring people together in a cultural conversation through books and media that transform lives and ultimately the world.  Books and films he has developed have been credited with convincing then-President Bill Clinton to stop the genocide in Kosovo (THE BRIDGE BETRAYED), for launching the modern anti-slavery movement (DISPOSSIBLE PEOPLE), and for helping to expand a mass incarceration reform movement (JUST MERCY, a book and film starring Michael B. Jordan and Jamie Foxx). Throughout all of his wide-ranging projects, Doug aspires to help build a prism through which life-changing conversations and experiences can be created and nourished.  He has had the privilege of interviewing global heroes and icons including Jimmy Carter, Bono, Carlos Santana, Richard Branson, and many others.   He was also on the founding team of JustGive.org, a philanthropy website that has pioneered new forms of giving and been responsible for giving over half a billion dollars to charity. He lives with his wife, Rachel, an integrative family physician, author, and lifelong conversation partner. He has three grown children, Jesse, Kayla, and Eliana.Book description: **THE INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER**In a world that seems so troubled, how do we hold on to hope?Looking at the headlines—the worsening climate crisis, a global pandemic, loss of biodiversity, political upheaval—it can be hard to feel optimistic. And yet hope has never been more desperately needed.In this urgent book, Jane Goodall, the world's most famous living naturalist, and Douglas Abrams, the internationally bestselling co-author of The Book of Joy, explore through intimate and thought-provoking dialogue one of the most sought after and least understood elements of human nature: hope. In The Book of Hope, Jane focuses on her "Four Reasons for Hope": The Amazing Human Intellect, The Resilience of Nature, The Power of Young People, and The Indomitable Human Spirit.Drawing on decades of work that has helped expand our understanding of what it means to be human and what we all need to do to help build a better world, The Book of Hope touches on vital questions, including: How do we stay hopeful when everything seems hopeless? How do we cultivate hope in our ch

Ashley Zuberi, yoga teacher, author, and former teammate of Team Productive Flourishing, joins Charlie on the show to discuss how we can reframe yoga, spiritual practices, and mindfulness so that we can integrate them into our days and make them work for us. Spiritual practices and philosophy are best suited to help us live our actual lives more fully rather than trying to create an ideal version of ourselves. Charlie and Ashley discuss how spirituality shows up in our day-to-day life and why it will always be a work in progress.Key Takeaways:[2:40] For many people, doing yoga, and cultivating a meditation or mindfulness practice are on their to-do list. Yet, people struggle with actually starting and maintaining these practices. Ashley addresses why people can get stuck before beginning.[5:29] Creating a meditation or yoga or spiritual practice is hard, and it's because it requires experimentation where people are looking for someone to tell them what to do.[7:03] One way to approach these practices is by integrating these practices into our lives in a more practical way. Ashley outlines how this plays out in her own life.[8:34] Charlie reflects on how his relationship with yoga has changed since 2020. Yoga is much more than just practicing poses. In its original form, yoga was a meditation practice![12:58] It can be just as, if not more, helpful to do shorter periods of yoga more frequently rather than longer sessions at larger intervals. What has happened is the assimilation and co-opting of other traditions into a Western paradigm.[15:40] A lot of what drives our actions is being more efficient and doing things more as efficiently as possible. However, that's not the goal in a spiritual practice.[17:54] Even hugs can be a part of your yoga practice if you are tuning into the present moment and practicing presence.[21:46] Spirituality is what happens in the moment and not just what happens in the special containers we create for them.[23:12] Charlie and Ashley discuss what it means to truly be able to show up as your full self at work, particularly now with COVID-19 and working from home.[25:29] COVID-19 has had some negative impacts on this generation of children, but looking beyond the arbitrary constructs and structures, we can see some other benefits like children seeing their parents at work, and parents being able to spend more time with their kids.[26:28] Charlie explains more about different types of reality, the objective, subjective, and interest objective, and how this ties into spiritual practices.[30:01] Our understanding of what yoga is evolves and changes with time. Charlie and Ashley share what it means for each of them and how it influences how they show up in the world.[34:33] What are some steps we can take to move forward from this conversation and start our spiritual practice?[43:55] Each of us has our own challenges and struggles with our spiritual practice. What is Ashley feeling most challenged by now?[48:50] Ashley invites you to try something today that helps you find more peace.Mentioned in This Episode:Productive FlourishingStart Finishing: How to Go from Idea to Done, by Charlie GilkeyAshley ZuberiEight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by John M. Gottman, Doug Abrams, Julie Gottman, Rachel Carlton AbramsThe Mom ProjectSapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Noah Harari

#therichsolution #dougabrams #bookofhopeJoin Gwen Rich and her new guest today at 10:00am CT on Mojo50 Radio. Doug Abrams, internationally-bestselling author with Jane Goodall, the world's most famous living naturalist wrote “The Book of Hope”. The book touches on vital questions including: How do we stay hopeful when everything seems hopeless? How do we cultivate hope in our children? Listen @ 10:00am CT on:www.mojo50.comiHeart RadioiTunesApple

Thank God for HOPE. Doug Abrams and Idea Architects have given us another dose of inspiration. Your book club is going to love The Book of Hope. Thanks for listening.

This Needs To Be Read: The Book of Hope by Jane Goodall and Douglas Abrams In the very timely book - THE BOOK OF HOPE - JANE GOODALL (the world's most famous living naturalist) and DOUG ABRAMS (internationally-bestselling author whose co-authors include the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu) - explore one of the most sought after and least understood elements of human nature: HOPE! The book serves as an extraordinary exploration of our very nature as human beings and offers a compelling path forward to create hope in our own lives and in the world. Pick up a copy of this book wherever books are sold. Local is ideal! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/tntbsmedia/message

10-26-2021 Doug Abrams

We were hungry for more from some of our favorite episodes of "Do You Take This Man?" These are the deleted scenes from episodes with Will & James, Chris & Clay, Marcelino & Edwin, Samuel Anthony, and Bryan & Chris. Included are questions from Sam's two favorite ways to get people talking about relationships: Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (John M. Gottman, Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams, Julie L Schwartz) and the New York Times 36 Questions that Lead to Love (Daniel Jones). --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/doyoutakethismanpodcast/support

Recently, I have been recommending the book "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations For A Lifetime Of Love" by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams. Since the last two podcast episodes have been referring to the importance of connecting and dating in relationship, I thought it would be valuable to share this book with you.  (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:  How being curious and interested in and with your partner will support a lifetime of learning, intimacy and vitality with your partner.  The importance of seeing love as a practice. What threatens commitment and trust in relationship and how to built trust together.  How conflict is inevitable in every relationship, and understanding the real goal of conflict. Learning the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems.  What helps partners create a great sex life together.  Understanding the essential role of play and adventure in your relationship, so that you can keep things fresh and exciting.    "Vulnerability creates trust, and trust is the oxygen your relationship needs to breathe." by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams.   Mentioned:  Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love ERP 227: How To Date Your Significant Other - An Interview with Dr. Bill Harley ERP 228: How To See Relationship As A Spiritual Teacher - An Interview With Allana Pratt Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com     If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.   

Doug Abrams is back to talk about his time with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Learn the pillars of joy. James Nestor can teach us how to breathe better. As we pray "I can't breathe" is never repeated. xo Kacey www.kacey.co

A limited series from the book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love., by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D. About the book: Strengthen and deepen your love with a fun, ingenious program of eight life-changing conversations—on essential topics such as money, sex, and trust—from two of the world’s leading marriage researchers and clinicians. Navigating the challenges of long-term commitment takes effort—and it just got simpler, with this empowering, step-by-step guide to communicating about the things that matter most to you and your partner. Drawing on forty years of research from their world-famous Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman invite couples on eight fun, easy, and profoundly rewarding dates, each one focused on a make-or-break issue: trust, conflict, sex, money, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams. Interactive activities and prompts provide motivation to stay open, stay curious, and, most of all, stay talking to each other. And the range—from the four skills you need for intimate conversation (including Put Into Words What You Are Feeling) to tips on being honest about your needs, while also validating your partner’s own emotions—will resonate, whether you’re newly together or a longtime couple looking to fortify your bond. You will discover (or rediscover) your partner like never before—and be able to realize your hopes and dreams for the love you desire and deserve. Show Notes: This date is about understanding and managing conflict 2:20 Date 2 intro 3:43 Types of conflict

When you’re in the middle of a challenging situation, it can feel like your life is over. But in retrospect, those difficulties—and how we respond to them—can help us get closer to who we’re destined to be. And if you’re doing it right, the tough times will deepen your bonds with the people who really matter and give rise to a new vision for your life. On this episode of Destined to Be, we’re sharing Mallory’s journey as an entrepreneur, wife and mother, describing how each of her businesses have focused on helping people change their lives for the better. You’ll find out about her upper-middle-class upbringing in a close-knit, entrepreneurial family and discover how her childhood shaped her identity as an overachiever. We also explore what inspired Mallory to help women succeed, first as a certified personal trainer and then as a leader in the world of network marketing. Listen in as Mallory gets real about her difficult experience with pregnancy and postpartum depression and learn how we design our own destiny as a couple, leveraging challenges to strengthen our connection and build a vision for the future. Key Takeaways Mallory’s upper-middle-class upbringing in an entrepreneurial family How Mallory’s childhood shaped her identity as an overachiever How Mallory’s DUI turned into the best thing to happen to her What inspired Mallory to become a certified personal trainer How Mallory’s Zumba studio became such a big part of her identity Mallory’s difficult experience with pregnancy + postpartum depression Why Mallory decided to start doing fitness competitions When we started to design our own destiny as a couple and family Mallory’s insight on leveraging challenges to create connection + vision Why you don’t have to internalize what other people think of you How Mallory helped women succeed as a leader in network marketing Connect with Jeremiah & Mallory Destined to Be Jeremiah on LinkedIn Jeremiah on Facebook Jeremiah on Instagram Mallory on Instagram Resources Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman PhD, Julie Schwartz Gottman PhD, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams MD Books by Gabrielle Bernstein The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz

A limited series from the book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love., by John Gottman Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D. About the book: Strengthen and deepen your love with a fun, ingenious program of eight life-changing conversations—on essential topics such as money, sex, and trust—from two of the world’s leading marriage researchers and clinicians. Navigating the challenges of long-term commitment takes effort—and it just got simpler, with this empowering, step-by-step guide to communicating about the things that matter most to you and your partner. Drawing on forty years of research from their world-famous Love Lab, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman invite couples on eight fun, easy, and profoundly rewarding dates, each one focused on a make-or-break issue: trust, conflict, sex, money, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams. Interactive activities and prompts provide motivation to stay open, stay curious, and, most of all, stay talking to each other. And the range—from the four skills you need for intimate conversation (including Put Into Words What You Are Feeling) to tips on being honest about your needs, while also validating your partner’s own emotions—will resonate, whether you’re newly together or a longtime couple looking to fortify your bond. You will discover (or rediscover) your partner like never before—and be able to realize your hopes and dreams for the love you desire and deserve. Show Notes: 2:16 - the start of the date 2:38 First question about your parents' commitment/lack of commitment to each other and how it affects us

New Year, new X-couple! Rogue & Remy start as an impossible flirtation but eventually transform into one of the most popular pairings within the marvelous merry mutant family. Was their romance destined, or did it take a whole lot of painful communication to make it work? We begin where all stories should, in the beginning, witnessing their first awkward triflings, their first disastrous date, and the second one that sealed the deal. We dive systematically into the heyday of the 90s comic scene by hopping around a seemingly random batch of adjectiveless X-Men comics. To aid us in our conversation, because we're no experts, are the relationship gurus Drs. John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. We found that their book "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" had plenty to say about the cat and mouse antics between Rogue and Gambit, and will easily serve as the backbone for this month's batch of episodes. Issues covered in this episode: X-Men Vol. 2 No. 3 - 4, X-Men Vol. 2 No. 8, and X-Men Vol. 2 No. 24. Be sure to follow the podcast on Instagram and Twitter @CBCCPodcast, and you can follow the hosts @MouthDork and @sidewalksiren.

In this episode, MC and Emily discuss:  Sex in the news - a new study on aging and sexuality; the role of doctors in the sexual health of aging patients; menopause and orgasms at 50+; and the time MC brought a bunch of sex toys to her Mom's retirement home.  Eight Dates - the incredible book by world-famous Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman; the importance of curiosity; and creative ways of finding alone time when you've got kids. Community questions - Working through erectile challenges Let's hook you up; Honeymoon Playbook by Marie-Claire Thauvette Relationship Bliss Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, Dr. Doug Abrams, and Dr. Rachel Carlton Want to submit a community question? Comments? Concerns? Send them our way at thepassionperspective@gmail.com. 

How can we experience joy when there is so much suffering? Doug Abrams, co-author of the New York Times Best Seller, The Book of Joy, along side Nobel Peace Prize Laureates, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, sits down with Maria to answer questions like this. Doug discusses the lessons he learned first hand from his time with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, who have survived more than fifty years of exile and oppression, and yet despite their hardships—or, as they would say, because of them—are two of the most joyful people on the planet. Doug is an author, editor, and literary agent who has written books with Desmond Tutu for over a decade. His books have been credited with convincing then-President Bill Clinton to stop genocide and for launching the modern anti-slavery movement. He is also the founder of Idea Architects, a book and media company that works with visionary authors to create a wiser, healthier, and more just world. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

In today’s episode, Amy digs deep with Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, voted the “Best Doctor” in Santa Cruz County for 9 years running. After graduating Phi Beta Kappa from Stanford University, Rachel received her MD from UC San Francisco and a master’s degree in holistic health from UC Berkeley. Board certified in family medicine and integrative medicine, she refers to herself lovingly in this episode as an “integrative weirdo doctor.” At her award-winning integrative medicine clinic in Santa Cruz, Dr. Abrams treats many of the world’s most influential people. Rachel is happily married to her fellow author and husband Doug Abrams and the mother of three fabulous young adults. Listen on to find out how Rachel thinks we’re in a cultural crisis and why relationships and connection are the answer. You’ll also learn a bit of neuroscience that explains how all living beings have a connection to each other and a connection to nature. We’ll talk about her new books BodyWise and Eight Dates, with guides to essential conversations on topics like money, sex, family, and dreams, and finally, we’ll learn what in the world “naked Shabbat” is.   You’ll finish this episode feeling inspired to connect deeply with yourself, with others, and with the earth. As humans, social relationships are integral to our social health and holistic wellness, and we may just be in a cultural crisis. Let’s discuss how the human animal has evolved and how we can stay well in our modern tech-centric society.

What if you could have eight powerful dates that could totally transform the most important aspects of your relationship with your partner? Whether you’re in a new relationship and trying to figure out if someone’s right for you, or have been with your partner for decades and trying to figure out if your partner is STILL right for you, today’s conversation will help jump-start your curiosity and lead you into deep connection with your partner. This week, our guests are John & Julie Gottman, the founders of The Gottman Institute. They are the co-authors, along with Doug Abrams and Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, of the new book "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love". World-renowned researchers and clinical psychologists, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. They have published over 200 academic journal articles and written 46 books that have sold over a million copies in more than a dozen languages. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are – thank you!), this week’s episode is being sponsored by 2 amazing companies. This week’s episode is sponsored by Blinkist. Blinkist is the only app that takes the best key takeaways and the need-to-know information from thousands of nonfiction books and condenses them down into just 15 minutes that you can read or listen to. Go to Blinkist.com/ALIVE to start your free 7-day trial. This episode is also sponsored by Native Deodorant. Their products are filled with ingredients you can find in nature like coconut oil, which is an antimicrobial, shea butter to moisturize, and tapioca starch to absorb wetness. They don’t ever test on animals, they don’t use aluminum or any other scary chemical ingredients, and they’re so confident that you’ll like their deodorant that they offer free shipping - and returns. For 20% off your first purchase, visit http://www.nativedeodorant.com/alive and use promo code ALIVE during checkout. Resources: Visit John & Julie Gottman’s website to learn more about their work. Find out more about John & Julie Gottman’s new book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Buy the Eight Dates book on Amazon. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/gottman4 to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with John and Julie Gottman. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello, and welcome to another episode of 'Relationship Alive'. This is your host, Neil Sattin. One of the most important things that you can do for your relationship is something that we've talked about occasionally here on the show, which is to have a date night with your partner, to have something regular that's on the calendar, that's about connecting, and honoring your relationship. And yet, there's more to it potentially than that. Certainly, there's something good for just the regularity and the dedication, but what if you want to actually enhance your connection, enhance your understanding of your partner, and have a series of dates that actually leads you to someplace deeper, someplace more connected, and someplace that really gives you something to offer each other in terms of how you share your futures together. So, it's not just more of the same, but it's a springboard to something even more rich in your connection. Neil Sattin: In order to find out more, we have the pleasure today of being joined by Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, and also Dr. John Gottman, who are the co-authors, along with Doug Abrams and Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, of the new book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. They are here today to talk about this book and explore exactly why it's so important to come together with your partner with some intention to understand each other more deeply, and not just for the purpose of bringing out the ways that you're the same, but in particular, coming to understand your differences. And we're going to get more into that in a moment. As usual, we will have a detailed transcript of this episode. In order to download it, you can visit neilsattin.com/gottman4, that's Gottman and the number 4. And you can also just text the word "Passion" to the number 33444, and follow the instructions, and that will also get you to a page where you can download the transcript for this week's episode with the Gottmans. So I think that's a good enough start. Without further ado, John and Julie Gottman, thank you so much for joining me today here on 'Relationship Alive'. John Gottman: Thank you, Neil. Julie Gottman: Thanks, Neil. It's great to be here. Neil Sattin: And we were chatting briefly before we got started. Julie, it's especially a pleasure to have you here. We've gotten to listen to John ramble on here and there, but it's nice to have you both here together. And I'm looking forward to hearing more about your connection, and I know that my audience is really excited to learn from the two of you together. Julie Gottman: Oh, thanks so much, Neil. That's really kind of you. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah. So, let's start with maybe a softball question, which is, where was this book born from, the "Eight Dates", which each cover such an important area of relationship, and a way to steer into knowing your partner more deeply? Julie Gottman: Well, initially, what happened is that we were privileged to be part of a think tank about relationships, and how to really support relationships nationwide. And we met our friends, Doug and Dr. Rachel Abrams at this think tank. And together, we were talking about how can we really help to deepen connection with couples through a book that would really give people a fun way to connect with one another, give them different types of dates, different kinds of opportunities to really get to know each other better, whether at the beginning of a relationship, or all the way towards the end of a relationship in age, any way we can enhance their connection, deepen their connection, so that people really keep up with who the other person is, how they're changing, how they're evolving over time. And so, the four of us together sat and talked for days on end, recording everything, including our own personal dating experience, which was kind of hilarious, especially before we met each other. And really sharing stories, as well as, what kind of dates would particularly be great for relationships. And then we decided to do some research about it. So we crafted 12 dates and recruited 300 people... John Gottman: 300 couples. Julie Gottman: 300 couples. John Gottman: Yeah. Julie Gottman: Thanks love, he's always accurate with the numbers. To take these dates and see what they thought about the dates, to really experience them. And then we recorded their conversations, the dates that they had, and we learned that out of the 12, several of them were complete duds, they were terrible, people were completely bored, they ended the conversation after two and a half minutes, and then they went to the movies. But there were eight dates that, in particular, people really loved, and we created the book from those. Neil Sattin: Great, great. Yeah, and we're going to get into the stellar dates in a minute, but I'm curious, do you remember what any of those duds were? John Gottman: We had one date that was just about work, and how people felt about work, and that was pretty boring. Neil Sattin: Right. John Gottman: We had to really re-shape that date and change it. And by the way, we had... 37% of the couples of the 300 couples were brand new relationships, and so the dates were really very important for people in very new relationships to find out who they were dating and see if that relationship had any potential. But the overwhelming majority were couples who've been in relationships for some time, and they found it really did enhance the quality of their intimacy. Neil Sattin: Yeah, what I really love about this book, among many things, was that it feels like, in many respects, it's a crash course in curiosity. And so, whether you're in the initial stages of a relationship where you can kind of throw curiosity to the wind, it can sometimes feel like, you're on that dopamine-fueled high of just enjoying everything about your partner, or if you're 20 years into a relationship and you feel like you just know everything there is to know about your partner. I love the way that this book gives people a structure to actually support deeper questions, and to discover how there may be these places where they actually don't know each other, in the case of a long-term relationship. Or yeah, I love that model for new people who are getting to know each other, to really have an opportunity to flesh things out before they're deep, deep down the rabbit hole. John Gottman: Right. Julie Gottman: Yeah. You know, when you think about some of your earliest dates, oftentimes they are so awkward. Everybody's on your best behavior, you've spent maybe six weeks planning what you're going to wear, and you meet each other, you're nervous, you're awkward, you're anxious, and that can last for a while, several dates in perhaps. So, people aren't quite sure how to proceed in getting to know each other, and what aspects should they get to know about in terms of this individual when they're considering the possibility of having a long-term relationship. So, what we really wanted to do was to help people with clear ideas about what fun things they could do in the setting of the date, and then give them, again, these very particular questions to discuss together. And it's not an interrogation, we don't have the big shining light in the parking space as they were answering these questions. Instead, it's really people discussing them together and sharing at a deeper level what their values are, what their history is, what their needs are a bit. Nothing that makes them over the top vulnerable, but something more about where they really live inside, as opposed to the more superficial aspects that people tend to focus on in the beginning. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I'm... And I noticed that you started... Like, date number one is with trust and commitment. John Gottman: Right. Neil Sattin: And obviously this is an important topic in a long-term relationship, and it's one that I thought was curious, it wasn't... There wasn't much of a warm-up there. It's like, here we are talking about these deep things, and particularly for a long-term couple, they're probably at a place, I would guess, where there have been a lot of assumptions about trust and commitment, there have potentially been betrayals of some sort, hopefully just minor ones. But I'm curious if you can set the stage for that conversation in a way that really helps keep people safe as they have the trust and commitment conversation? Julie Gottman: God, that's a wonderful question, Neil. Well, first of all, what we really understand about relationships after learning about relationships for over 40 years, is that the one question that people have with their partners is, "Can I trust you?" That is one of the most important questions. That's what they're focused on, really, right from the beginning. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Julie Gottman: And so, shoot, why not start where people really live, right? Neil Sattin: Yeah. Julie Gottman: And so, that was part of our decision. And in terms of staying safe, we're not asking, "Are you going to commit to me? Are you going to be somebody I can trust?" It's not about that. It's more, "How did your parents show that there was trust between them if in fact there was? Or if there was a lack of it, how did you see that? How did you witness that? What does trust mean to you? Is it important to you? Is it not? Is commitment important to you? Is it not? What makes it important to you?" So again, you're talking a little bit more in the abstract about people's history that doesn't necessarily involve maybe some mistakes they've made. They're talking about what they witnessed in their own life, what they experienced in their own life. And sharing that with one another, so that each partner can just kinda get a snapshot of, "Do we both think about trust and commitment in the same way or do we think about it very, very differently? And if so, does it make sense for us to proceed in our relationship?" John Gottman: Yeah, that date, Neil, turned out to be the most powerful date of all the eight. And couples liked it the most too. So, one of the things that we did was, we had some webinars with the couples in our sample, and they could ask questions and give us feedback. And that date was really, really... It went deep. It was very powerful. And they were able to talk about other relationships they'd seen where people had violated trust, and where people had really demonstrated that they weren't quite committed to the relationship, and the other person didn't know that. So they could talk about how to avoid disasters about trust, how to avoid future disasters of commitment. And what had been the history in the relationship of that, showing that they were trustworthy, that they were committed. So it turned out to be a really fascinating sort of conversations that people had. And I don't think anybody felt alienated in that date from one another. They felt actually reassured and safer with their partner after this date. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah. And I want to just point out to our listeners that your book does a great job also of setting the stage not only for the date itself but also for someone to ask themselves these questions first. So there's a certain amount of self-exploration that you do before you're out on the date, so that you already are starting to get your own perspective on this, and can bring that to your partner. John Gottman: Right. Julie Gottman: Yeah, that's one of the beautiful things that I really love about this book. You know, as we all experience, Neil, we are so caught up in the minutiae of our daily lives, and running from task, to task, to task. Sometimes paying attention to the news, sometimes not, sometimes trying not to. And at the same time, do we give ourselves those hours of really looking in the mirror and saying, "Who am I now? How has experience changed me? What are my values now? What do I believe now?" And so, in a way, it's... As you pointed out, the book really gives the opportunity to meditate on who we are as individuals, so that when we do come together in a date to share that, we can do so with more clarity, and maybe humor too. [laughter] John Gottman: Yeah. I want to mention, there was a study done at UCLA by the Sloan Center, and they put microphones and cameras in couples homes, and they studied 30 dual-career couples in Los Angeles, and they had young children. And their wives had really become kind of an infinite to-do list, and they never went out on dates, they spent less than 10% of every evening in the same room with one another, and they talked to one another an average of 35 minutes a week. Neil Sattin: Wow. John Gottman: All that conversation was about, who's going to do what when. But they never had a date that was a romantic date, that really built on intimacy. So they basically were carrying on with life and work and really ignoring their relationship. Neil Sattin: I'm wondering if you could speak to that a little bit on a personal level in term... Because both of you are very active in your careers and have... You had a family together. How have you managed honoring that commitment to date night? And is that something you had all along or was it just kind of discovery along the way, and you were like, "We better do that. It's working for everyone else, we should do that too."? Or, how have you negotiated and navigated that for yourselves? Julie Gottman: Well, one of the things that we used to do when we were living in Seattle, where we are not currently, but we used to not have all that much money. John was a professor, I was a clinical psychologist, private practice, and we were spending money on schooling for our child. And so we discovered the most beautiful hotel lobby in all of Seattle. There was this great hotel, and it had this gorgeous stone fireplace, dark lighting, beautiful soft couches, and we would go on our date night, commandeer a couch and not let anybody else sit there, and we would order one glass of wine, and we would pretend we were guests in the hotel. And we would sit and talk for hours and ask each other these big open-ended questions, similar to the ones that we address in the dates. And John would always bring a yellow notepad to take notes about what I said, which was always a worry because it meant it was definitely going to show up in the book later on. And so, it was kind of like, "Oh my God, I better watch my wording here." So those were our initial dates, which were really, really fabulous. And now, with our busy lives, we are talking all the time because we work together, we are talking on planes as we travel somewhere, we're talking over dinner, we're talking about work, we're talking about the news, we're talking constantly. So... John Gottman: Yeah, but tell them about our annual honeymoon. Julie Gottman: And our annual honeymoon, okay. So, we found that because our schedule is so erratic, it's really, really, hard to have a weekly date, we don't have a schedule like that, because we're always somewhere doing something. So, when our daughter was about eight years old, she went away to camp for three weeks for the first year during the summer and did so every year after that for a while. And we decided, "Hey, she can go to camp, let's go to camp, too." So, we decided to take ourselves to camp, which was specifically this beautiful B&B up in Canada, on one of the islands close to Vancouver BC, called Salt Spring Island. And we would go there for about 10 days and do nothing but talk, we would just talk. And we called it our annual honeymoon, and we've been doing it ever since, every year. John Gottman: We bring our kayak. Julie Gottman: Yup. John Gottman: And we ask each other three questions: What did you hate about last year? What did you love about last year? And what do you want next year to be like? And then we talk about that for 10 days, and really evaluate the year, and then make plans about how next year will be different. Julie Gottman: And the reason we always go to the same B&B, it's been 20 years now, is that there's a restaurant in this little town that serves schnitzel, which is John's favorite. And we have schnitzel every single night for 10 nights. [laughter] It's not only the annual honeymoon but the annual schnitzel fest. [laughter] Neil Sattin: That's good. Well, it's schnitzel every night, and then maybe the rest of the nights of the year you get to indulge in other delights as well. John Gottman: Right. [laughter] Neil Sattin: Well, I did want to mention that Maine has some lovely places to kayak. So, if you're ever in this neck of the woods, make sure you bring your kayak with you. Julie Gottman: Yeah, we would love that. John Gottman: Yeah. And Rachel and Doug also found that, when Rachel was in medical school and doing her residency, that date night was just absolutely essential for maintaining the relationship, and not ignoring it, not making it the last thing on a very long to-do list. So, they kept passion and romance alive that way, and also the emotional connection. So, date night has been important for all four of us. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and I like the idea, too. When I envision Doug and Rachel's story, which they talk about in the book, and I love that, that we get a window into your lives together. I think that's... Maybe we'll even talk about that a little bit. I think it's so curious for everyone, right? Where they're like, "Well, they have all the answers, but what's their life really like? Are they really doing all this stuff?" So, it's helpful to hear. And I also like this idea that if you've prioritized it, and you've shown in so many ways how important it is, families with young kids, families who are... A relationship who's getting older, and why it's important to honor each other that way, and the connection that way. Yeah, I can imagine people triangulating, and just being like, "Alright. This is important, we're committed to how important it is. And this is the one hour that we have in a week where we can find ourselves in the same place, at the same time, without all those other responsibilities," and being willing to be committed in that way, to the process with each other. Neil Sattin: I realize we haven't gone really beyond that trusting commitment chapter in our conversation, but I'm also thinking about... You mentioned the anecdote of John working with a couple who he has this realization that they were never even really committed to each other, they'd always had a foot out the door. And when they got that reflected back at them, that became an opportunity for them to reflect on what commitment really was. And as much as they thought they were committed, were they truly committed to each other? Which is probably one reason why that first date is so powerful for people. John Gottman: Yeah. Julie Gottman: Exactly. John Gottman: Yeah, that couple, every time they had an argument or things got stressful, they were each thinking, "I can do better than my partner." They were thinking about their exit strategy, rather than, "What can I do to get closer and more committed? How can I get past this period? It's stressful." Neil Sattin: Yeah, I think you mentioned that as a harbinger of doom in not your classic Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, but the negative comparisons, and how the impact that that has. Can you talk about that a little bit, so that our listeners understand what that means? Julie Gottman: Sure. There was a fabulous researcher who studied the antecedents to betrayal. What is it that led up to people having affairs? And what she discovered is that, in particular, an individual in a relationship would always be comparing his or her partner to some better alternative, another person who they thought was better than the partner they currently have. And we call that a "negative comparison," or a "negative comp". And we found in our own research that when people continually make those negative comparisons, always finding their partner wanting, always seeing the negative side of their partner, rather than being grateful and cherishing what their partner does provide for them, then that often leads to crossing the lines into developing relationships with someone else, perhaps beginning with a friendship, and then perhaps deepening into a possible betrayal, whether it's an emotional affair or a physical affair, or both. And so, the whole idea of not making negative comparisons with your partner and someone else, but instead trying to see the good in what your partner is, who they are, what they do give you, what they are beautiful in, is a way to really keep the relationship stable, keep the relationship loving, warm, really a treasure for you. John Gottman: And another thing that this researcher, her name is Caryl Rusbult, R-U-S-B-U-L-T, Caryl Rusbult found was that when conflict happens, these couples, instead of giving voice to their complaints and talking about their needs, they'd talk to somebody else about how miserable they were in the relationship, and confide in someone else, not in their partner. And so, part of what this book talks about is, one of the dates is about how to deal with conflict. And the other thing about the book is that it tries to teach the skills of managing conflict well in the relationship, and having intimate conversations. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, I'm wondering... Just a quick little footnote on the negative comps; is that an intervention that you suggest? So, if I'm someone who notices, "Oh, I do that all the time, I'm always thinking, 'Oh, if I just were with so-and-so, or, the grass is greener.'" And I could even see that being a bit of an addiction for people. And I'm using that term loosely, but that kind of like, "Oh, I could just escape this, and... " What is a way that... John Gottman: Yeah, it's kind of a mind... Neil Sattin: Go ahead. John Gottman: It's kind of a mindset. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Julie Gottman: There are two things that need to be changed with a couple where that's going on. One is that the individual who's making the negative comps needs to be thinking about what do they need that is not being met in the relationship, and bring that up with their partner, not talk to somebody else, as John mentioned, but to bring it up with their partner. To really think about, "Okay, what's missing for me, what is it that I'm feeling? Am I feeling lonely? Am I feeling starved for affection? Am I feeling criticized, or put down all the time?" What is it that they need? And taking their need, and expressing it in a positive way. We call this "Expressing a positive need." Which means if something feels bad, flip it on its head, to think, "Okay, what do I want in place of that negative thing?" For example, if you feel criticized all the time, "I would love to hear appreciations from you. I would love to hear some compliments from you about how funny I am, or how I look, or what a great human being I am," in general of course. So, flipping that need on its head and giving a positive need to it. What is it you do need, rather than don't want or need? That's one thing. Julie Gottman: The other thing is looking at your partner with different eyes. And this, again, takes a whole mental shift. What is my partner doing right? Not, what are they always doing wrong, but what are they doing right? For example, John and I have been together for 32 years, and every single morning he makes me coffee. Anybody who makes me coffee is my hero. [laughter] Julie Gottman: for life upon life. And so, John has been doing that every single morning, and he makes the best coffee in the world. And so, I always thank him every morning for making coffee, seeing the good. I could take it for granted and say nothing, but that's not helpful in a relationship. And I do appreciate it. John Gottman: Hey, you do. Julie Gottman: Right. John Gottman: Well, you can think about the fundamental problem in relationships is that we are actually attracted to people who are very different from us. And that's why the dating websites are really... Have a broken system of match-making. Because they're matching people and saying, "If you date somebody who is just like you, you're going to really like each other." But it really doesn't work. Okay, Cupid, for example, will pair 50,000 people, and 200 marriages result from that pairing. So, they're 96% ineffective for people to meet who like each other. So, it turns out, we really like people who are not like us. We don't want our clone. And then, when we're attracted to this person, we have this asymmetry. But that we have to act as a couple, we have to create symmetry. And the worst way to do that is to try to get your partner to be like you, to try to criticize your partner for not being like you. And that's the fundamental problem in relationships, that's not the way to do it. Really, you have to accept your partner for who they are. And they are different and cherish those differences. Julie, for example, is very different from me. She was a downhill skiing racer in college, she went downhill 50 miles an hour. Her idea, her dream was to go to Mt. Everest base camp, number two with 10 other women. And I'm very different, my dream was to study differential equations. [laughter] John Gottman: I sit in my chair to do that. And so, she's an athlete and an explorer, and I'm just the opposite. I call myself an indoors man. [laughter] John Gottman: So, we have these really big differences. But the ways in which she's different from me, really are quite wonderful, and I love them and cherish them. And if she, on the other hand, said, "What's wrong with you, why can't you have more of a sense of adventure like me?", then she'd be trying to turn me into her, which really doesn't work. And if she was successful in turning me into her, she wouldn't be attracted to me. Julie Gottman: And the other side of that is that John has failed miserably in trying to make me either a mathematician or a physicist. [chuckle] Julie Gottman: We accept each other's differences. I do listen to John when he describes some latest discovery in physics and math. I try desperately to understand. I don't, but I nod my head. And so... [chuckle] John Gottman: But you actually do understand a lot. Julie Gottman: Okay. So we make it work. We make it work. Neil Sattin: I want to point out that at the back of your book, you have lots of great suggestions for people to help them identify ways they actually do cherish their partner. So, if you're listening and thinking, "Well, I've kinda lost touch with that." Or, "It's just like I can appreciate them for the same old thing. I've been appreciating their coffee making for 32 years, but I'm not sure what else to appreciate." Then, it can be helpful to have some prompts in that regard, to help you reflect upon all the different ways that your partner shows up for you. I'm wondering if you could talk a little bit about... Because this is another, in a way, a pre-requisite for the book, although I have a feeling that as you go through each of the dates, you will cultivate this as well. And the question is making the mental shift around developing understanding, and embracing your differences, the way you were just talking about, versus that sense of judging your partner's differences. It's one thing to say, "Listen to your partner without judging them," and then it can be a totally different thing to actually put that into practice. Julie Gottman: Right. So, you're asking how do you work on accepting your partner's differences, yeah? Neil Sattin: Yeah, what is that... Well, I think I'm just highlighting it for one thing, because it's so key to how to have these conversations, I think, is just to realize like, "I'm just trying to understand this person who's sitting across from me, or next to me." Julie Gottman: That's really a wonderful question. We have a particular way of people doing that, which is, first of all, asking each other things like, "What's the history in your family about that particular characteristic or value that you have. Where does that come from for you? What's the background to that that led you to either value this particular way of being, or has led you to love this particular dream?" So, asking about background is important. Also, asking things like, "Well, what does it mean to you to have this particular passion, or this particular love, or this particular characteristic? Is there some underlying purpose to living by this value? What does it mean to you?" So, you're carving out kind of a subterranean region, where you're discussing both more personal history, that may be good, maybe not so good, as well as the more existential piece of who you are, how you've arrived at some particular set of values or characteristics that have meaning and purpose for you. Julie Gottman: Now, the other thing though, is that there's always going to be either lifestyle preferences, or just personality characteristics that you don't know where they come from, they don't have particular meaning. But they are who your partner is. And so it's not necessarily that you're going to absolutely love and cherish those differences, they might drive you crazy. John and I have characteristics like that. He calls himself "Charmingly sloppy," and I'm obsessively neat, a little OCD. [laughter] Julie Gottman: Okay, so that's a big difference, right? So I'm not going to adore the fact that there might be piles of books everywhere. However, however, you create almost ways of coping with those differences that are not necessarily conflict, they're simply, "Okay John, it's been four weeks. I'm now at risk of my life when I make the bed because the pile books next to the bed is so high that I may trip over them and be buried in an avalanche. So, can you please move the books?" It kinda looks like that. So you accept those differences in each other and cherish the ones that really have some purpose and meaning to them. Neil Sattin: Yes, in the very second date night that you talk about is how you work with conflict. John Gottman: Exactly. Neil Sattin: And probably no chance, it's not just a total happenstance that that comes second after trust and commitment. Julie Gottman: [chuckle] Yes, indeed. Because that is what most couples struggled with. We are a culture that has a lot of trouble expressing emotion. We've all been taught that, for example, it's not okay for men to express fear, sorrow, vulnerability, anxiety, fine for them to express anger, but the more vulnerable emotions, not so much. And women are taught that they're horrible human beings, with the B word, if they express anger. So, how then do you have conflicts where there are these constraints and fences around what you express or don't express? So, what we believe is that it's incredibly important for people to express all of their emotions, whether it's anger, or sorrow, or frustration. But that chapter, in particular, really focuses on how do you express those emotions, especially if they're negative ones, and how do you respond to them with empathy when you hear them, rather than just defensiveness, which takes you down the wrong path. That's that chapter. John Gottman: Yeah. We learned that behind every one of these negative emotions, there is a longing, and in that longing, there is a need and a recipe for solving the conflict. So, we have blueprints that we can offer that make conflict really constructive, so it doesn't alienate people, it actually brings them closer together, and creates that understanding that you mentioned earlier. Neil Sattin: Yeah. That reminds me of, I think, it's the 'Dreams within Conflict' exercise that we've mentioned here on the show before, and I think, if it's okay with the two of you, I'll offer it here as well, that if you download the transcript for this episode, we can also include that 'Dreams within Conflict' exercise, which touches, maybe not ironically, two of the dates. It touches that conflict piece, but also the very last date is all focused on your dreams, and what you aspire to as individuals. And it just feels like such a powerful addition, because I want everyone to know who's listening, it's not all trust and commitment, and addressing conflict. You get those out of the way, the very next one is being able to talk about sex and intimacy. And in there is play, and fun, and how you foster that in your relationship, too. So yeah, go ahead. Julie Gottman: Right. So, a lot of people think that "Well, if you solve all of your conflicts, your relationship is going to be just dandy." But we found in our research that that really wasn't true, that you do have to focus on how do you create a more positive experience in the relationship. We all work so darn hard that we forget how important fun is, how important play is, how important a sensitive venture is. And the fact that we can share those with each other is part of the wonder, the beauty, of having a terrific committed relationship. You've got a playmate, you've got somebody you can do all of that with. You can have wonderful sex, you can have intimacy, but you have to be able to talk about what it is that you love, what brings a sense of adventure and fun to you, ways that you would prefer to have an intimate connection. How do you want to do that? What's going to feel great for you? So, it's very important to be talking about all of that as well. That's part of this book. Neil Sattin: Yeah. And I love, too, how because the focus is on developing that shared understanding with that, as opposed to trying to make your partner like you or trying to just figure them out so you can get past all your conflicts somehow, I think what it actually does is it opens up this huge resource for you, of energy, and ways that you can bring more variety and connection into your life. Like each of these dates strikes me as a seed for so many different other experiences that could come from that understanding that you're building with your partner. Julie Gottman: Exactly. That's a lovely way to say it. Neil Sattin: I'm wondering if, and you can say no, you can pass on this question if you like, but I'm wondering if you'd each be willing to share what you think the most valuable skill for you has been in your relationship. What is the thing that... And I'm sure there's more than one thing, but when you think about what being together for 32 years has been like, what has been something that you fall back on, something that not only is reliable for you in terms of helping you in your connection, but also you've had to maybe revisit it again and again, as like being reminded like, "Oh yeah, this is something I'm working on, and I have to bring that attention to my own work and growth in order to make this connection work."? Julie Gottman: I love that question. I'll start, yeah? [chuckle] John Gottman: Yeah, go ahead. Julie Gottman: Okay. So, I think what I've had to work on the most is kindness, without question. Kindness, and keeping in my mind a fixed picture of who my husband is. So, I'm a person who really reacts quickly to things, impulsively to things, I would have been a great emergency doc. [laughter] Julie Gottman: You have a response to stuff, and can respond well, or perhaps not so well. And so, I've really had to work on my tone of voice, what words I use, patience, and remembering that... I've had this vision... I'm going to embarrass John now, Neil. Neil Sattin: Uh oh. Julie Gottman: But, yeah. But I really see John as a genius. You can't say anything. And when you are living with somebody with the kind of mind that he has, then there's going to be unbelievable gifts that you get to share as that person shares their ideas, shares their creativity. And all of those gifts I have been privileged to experience with John. And so, when he's not perfect, when he doesn't clean the counter the way I want him to, see, there's the OCD, the books pile up or whatever, it's like, "Okay, he's writing a grant," or, "Okay, he's working on a book, and he's completely immersed in that." "Okay, he gets up at 3 O'clock in the morning because he's just had an idea come to him, and he's gotta go write it down, and he's going to wake me up with a flashlight in my face." [laughter] Julie Gottman: That's the way it is. And again, the privilege and the honor of living with somebody with whom I will never, ever be bored, ever, is such a gift, that add the little stuff as trivial. And so, I keep that impression and image of who John is in my mind as a fixed picture, and remember the gifts of that, and try like crazy to be kind and to be patient. And believe me, I do not succeed a lot of the time, but... And thank God he's patient with me. [laughter] Neil Sattin: Thank you for your honesty about that, Julie. Julie Gottman: [chuckle] Right. You're welcome. John Gottman: Well, my big problem is defensiveness. And I have to learn over and over again that when Julie is feeling something very strongly, it's time for the world to stop, and me to listen without being defensive, even if she's disappointed in me, or angry with me, or I've done something to upset her. And I do a lot of things that are thoughtless, and often I ignore her because I'm so involved in a paper I'm writing or something like that. And when I concentrate, a lot of times I don't hear her calling my name even, because I really literally don't hear it. So I do things that really hurt her, and I need to listen. And for me, that's very hard, because the first thing I'm thinking is, "Why is she so negative? Just appreciate everything I do, and just come to me when she's really happy." So I had to learn when she's upset about something, the world needs to stop, and I need to listen without being defensive, and try to understand what she's feeling. And usually, when I can do that, it rapidly diffuses the situation. She feels listened to and understood. Even if I'd hurt her, we can repair the relationship and figure out what to do. So that's my constant struggle, I think. Neil Sattin: And do you have a particular way that you remind yourself of that when you feel the defensiveness coming on? John Gottman: I carry a notebook in my back pocket, and I take it out and I take out my pen, and I tell her, "Okay, I'm listening. Slow down, let me write down everything you're saying." And as I'm writing, I get less defensive. I'm thinking, "Boy, why does she have to go into that? What's wrong with this woman?" And then, as I'm writing, I go, "Well, that's a good point." [chuckle] John Gottman: "Yeah, she's right there." And pretty soon I'm really paying attention and listening. So, for me, having that notebook and writing down what she says, and slowing her down, really helps me to be less defensive. Neil Sattin: I love that. And that really reminds me too of your dates together and the notebook that comes along on the dates. So I could see it kind of being a little reminder of like, "Right, we have a connection that transcends this whatever-it-is that's causing conflict right now." John Gottman: Yeah. I probably have about 400 notebooks that I've filled in the 32 years we've been together. [laughter] And they're all piled on my bureau. Julie Gottman: And I'm going to burn them. [laughter] Neil Sattin: Won't that be a lovely ritual for the two of you. [laughter] Neil Sattin: Well, John and Julie, it's been such a treat to have you here with us today on 'Relationship Alive'. Your new book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, is so rich, and I think obviously has a lot to offer couples, no matter where they're at in a relationship. And I think, even if you're single, going through the prep work questions would be really helpful as a way of just understanding who you are and how you operate in a relationship. If you want to get more information about the book, there's a website that is devoted to the "Eight Dates" book, which is eight, the number eight, datesbook.com. You can also visit gottman.com to find out more about Julie and John's work, the work they're doing through the Gottman Institute. And they're going to be on a book tour to support the "Eight Dates" book, traveling all over the country, so you may be able to catch them in your community. And I definitely encourage you, if they're anywhere nearby, go check them out. You'll have a chance to ask questions, I'm sure. And as you can tell, they're delightful people. So I encourage you to go and find them when they're in your neck of the woods. Neil Sattin: Other than that, if you want the transcript to today's episode, neilsattin.com/gottman4. And as you might get, that's because we've had John on a few times before, so you can go to Gottman, Gottman2, Gottman3, and you can get your dose of Gottman, and it's so sweet, Julie, to have you here with us as well. I've loved your contribution today in this conversation. Thank you so much both for joining us, and I look forward to having you here again on 'Relationship Alive'. Julie Gottman: Thank you so much, Neil. It was really fun. Thank you. John Gottman: Yeah. Neil Sattin: Great. Julie Gottman: Okay.  

In this week's episode you will learn about:  ⦾ Choosing to find joy and love during these uncertain times ⦾ Spreading love despite enduring tragedy ⦾ Why joy is a state of being more so than an emotion ⦾ Healing wounds through honesty and truth

How to use the Book Of Joy Journal, a companion piece to The Book of Joy with author Doug Abrams.What You'll Learn in this Episode: The one thing you can do today to make your life better. How to use The Book of Joy Journal. The eight pillars of joy. Why you should set your intention for the day. His favorite tip for happiness. How we can show more compassion for one another. More from The Book of Joy Journal. Connect with Doug Supercharge your brain and reverse memory loss, pick up a copy of Memory Rescue today. - sponsor  Share the Show! If you enjoyed this show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help us tremendously in getting the word out and raising the visibility of the show. Sponsor:Supercharge your brain and reverse memory loss, pick up a copy of Memory Rescue today.

How to use the Book Of Joy Journal, a companion piece to The Book of Joy with author Doug Abrams.What You’ll Learn in this Episode: The one thing you can do today to make your life better. How to use The Book of Joy Journal. The eight pillars of joy. Why you should set your intention for the day. His favorite tip for happiness. How we can show more compassion for one another. More from The Book of Joy Journal. Connect with Doug Supercharge your brain and reverse memory loss, pick up a copy of Memory Rescue today. - sponsor  Share the Show! If you enjoyed this show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help us tremendously in getting the word out and raising the visibility of the show. Sponsor:Supercharge your brain and reverse memory loss, pick up a copy of Memory Rescue today.

How to live a life of joy in the face of adversity, the eight pillars of joy, and the importance of looking beyond yourself with author Doug Abrams.What You'll Learn in this Episode: The four fundamentals of human emotions. Setting a daily intention. The eight pillars of joy. How to live a life of joy in the face of adversity. Simple tips for happiness. Insights from The Book of Joy. (try for free on audible using code "whichwayislife") High Five Highlights: With all this joy, Doug, what brings you joy in everyday life? Doing cool stuff with the people I love. If we learn one lesson from this book, what would it be? Look beyond yourself and don't turn away from the sorrow; embrace it and learn from it. Of the techniques and traditions that these men use what is your favorite? Meditation and self-reflection. Taking the time to go inward, know your own mind and heart. So many shootings, road rage incidents and fights broadcast on Facebook, how can we show more understanding and compassion towards one another? So much of the negative news we see is an aberration; understand that it is the exception. For most people on earth, there is a lot of love and compassion and caring. When we shift that recognition, we can be a part of that tidal wave of compassion and kindness and connect with others and go beyond ourselves. This recent election has made many uneasy. How do we find joy in a time of such uncertainty in America? Have that wider perspective. This is not the be-all and end-all. Get engaged and be purposeful; let's use this time in our country's history to make our republic better, to make our society better in a way that helps everyone, and remember our humanity. We all want the same thing... we want more joy and love and happiness despite our different views. Connect with DougShare the Show! If you enjoyed this show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help us tremendously in getting the word out and raising the visibility of the show. Sponsors: audible.com - get a FREE audiobook download and 30 day free trial at www.audibletrial.com/whichwayislifeReal Salt - Is Your Salt Real?

How to live a life of joy in the face of adversity, the eight pillars of joy, and the importance of looking beyond yourself with author Doug Abrams.What You’ll Learn in this Episode: The four fundamentals of human emotions. Setting a daily intention. The eight pillars of joy. How to live a life of joy in the face of adversity. Simple tips for happiness. Insights from The Book of Joy. (try for free on audible using code "whichwayislife") High Five Highlights: With all this joy, Doug, what brings you joy in everyday life? Doing cool stuff with the people I love. If we learn one lesson from this book, what would it be? Look beyond yourself and don’t turn away from the sorrow; embrace it and learn from it. Of the techniques and traditions that these men use what is your favorite? Meditation and self-reflection. Taking the time to go inward, know your own mind and heart. So many shootings, road rage incidents and fights broadcast on Facebook, how can we show more understanding and compassion towards one another? So much of the negative news we see is an aberration; understand that it is the exception. For most people on earth, there is a lot of love and compassion and caring. When we shift that recognition, we can be a part of that tidal wave of compassion and kindness and connect with others and go beyond ourselves. This recent election has made many uneasy. How do we find joy in a time of such uncertainty in America? Have that wider perspective. This is not the be-all and end-all. Get engaged and be purposeful; let’s use this time in our country’s history to make our republic better, to make our society better in a way that helps everyone, and remember our humanity. We all want the same thing... we want more joy and love and happiness despite our different views. Connect with DougShare the Show! If you enjoyed this show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help us tremendously in getting the word out and raising the visibility of the show. Sponsors: audible.com - get a FREE audiobook download and 30 day free trial at www.audibletrial.com/whichwayislifeReal Salt - Is Your Salt Real?

Joy and narcissism are the two topics explored on The Halli Casser-Jayne Show. Joining Halli at her table is Doug Abrams the co-author of THE BOOK OF JOY, LASTING HAPPINESS IN A CHANGING WORLD written with His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. And Dr. Craig Malkin author of RETHINKING NARCISSISM, THE BAD AND SURPRISINGLY GOOD ABOUT FEELING SPECIAL.Imagine: Two spiritual giants, Nobel Peace Prize Laureate His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Five days. One timeless question: How do we find joy in the face of life's inevitable suffering? The moderator: Douglas Abrams friend, author, editor, and literary agent. The occasion: The celebration of his Holiness's eightieth birthday. The place: the Dalia Lama's home in Dharamsala, India. The year: 2015 -- the conversations catalogued by long-time friend and now available in the New York Times bestselling book THE BOOK OF JOY. Douglas Abrams, author, editor, and literary agent is the founder and president of Idea Architects, a creative book and media agency helping visionaries to create a wiser, healthier, and more just world. He is also the co-founder with Pam Omidyar and Desmond Tutu of HumanJourney.com, a public benefit company working to share life-changing and world-changing ideas. In the age of President Donald Trump, the word narcissism is thrown around a lot, the President's detractors labeling him the King of Narcissism. But what is narcissism? Is being labeled a narcissist always a bad thing? We reach back into our archives to bring you an important conversation with Dr. Craig Malkin, author of RETHINKING NARCISSISM, THE BAD AND SURPRISINGLY GOOD ABOUT FEELING SPECIAL. Dr. Malkin—author, clinical psychologist, and Instructor of Psychology for Harvard Medical School —offers a radically new model for understanding what he asserts is an often misused term. With two decades of experience helping individuals, couples, and families, Malkin's articles, advice and insights have appeared in Psychology Today, Marie Claire, Women's and Men's Health Magazines, Huffington Post and more. He's been a featured commentator on NPR and Fox news. For more information visit https://goo.gl/z3RDyA

How to live a life of joy in the face of adversity, the eight pillars of joy, and the importance of looking beyond yourself with author Doug Abrams.What You'll Learn in this Episode: The four fundamentals of human emotions. Setting a daily intention. The eight pillars of joy. How to live a life of joy in the face of adversity. Simple tips for happiness. Insights from The Book of Joy. (try for free on audible using code "whichwayislife") High Five Highlights: With all this joy, Doug, what brings you joy in everyday life? Doing cool stuff with the people I love. If we learn one lesson from this book, what would it be? Look beyond yourself and don't turn away from the sorrow; embrace it and learn from it. Of the techniques and traditions that these men use what is your favorite? Meditation and self-reflection. Taking the time to go inward, know your own mind and heart. So many shootings, road rage incidents and fights broadcast on Facebook, how can we show more understanding and compassion towards one another? So much of the negative news we see is an aberration; understand that it is the exception. For most people on earth, there is a lot of love and compassion and caring. When we shift that recognition, we can be a part of that tidal wave of compassion and kindness and connect with others and go beyond ourselves. This recent election has made many uneasy. How do we find joy in a time of such uncertainty in America? Have that wider perspective. This is not the be-all and end-all. Get engaged and be purposeful; let's use this time in our country's history to make our republic better, to make our society better in a way that helps everyone, and remember our humanity. We all want the same thing... we want more joy and love and happiness despite our different views. Connect with DougShare the Show! If you enjoyed this show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help us tremendously in getting the word out and raising the visibility of the show. Sponsors: audible.com - get a FREE audiobook download and 30 day free trial at www.audibletrial.com/whichwayislifeReal Salt - Is Your Salt Real?

How to live a life of joy in the face of adversity, the eight pillars of joy, and the importance of looking beyond yourself with author Doug Abrams.What You’ll Learn in this Episode: The four fundamentals of human emotions. Setting a daily intention. The eight pillars of joy. How to live a life of joy in the face of adversity. Simple tips for happiness. Insights from The Book of Joy. (try for free on audible using code "whichwayislife") High Five Highlights: With all this joy, Doug, what brings you joy in everyday life? Doing cool stuff with the people I love. If we learn one lesson from this book, what would it be? Look beyond yourself and don’t turn away from the sorrow; embrace it and learn from it. Of the techniques and traditions that these men use what is your favorite? Meditation and self-reflection. Taking the time to go inward, know your own mind and heart. So many shootings, road rage incidents and fights broadcast on Facebook, how can we show more understanding and compassion towards one another? So much of the negative news we see is an aberration; understand that it is the exception. For most people on earth, there is a lot of love and compassion and caring. When we shift that recognition, we can be a part of that tidal wave of compassion and kindness and connect with others and go beyond ourselves. This recent election has made many uneasy. How do we find joy in a time of such uncertainty in America? Have that wider perspective. This is not the be-all and end-all. Get engaged and be purposeful; let’s use this time in our country’s history to make our republic better, to make our society better in a way that helps everyone, and remember our humanity. We all want the same thing... we want more joy and love and happiness despite our different views. Connect with DougShare the Show! If you enjoyed this show, please rate it on iTunes and write a brief review. That would help us tremendously in getting the word out and raising the visibility of the show. Sponsors: audible.com - get a FREE audiobook download and 30 day free trial at www.audibletrial.com/whichwayislifeReal Salt - Is Your Salt Real?

*What happened when the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu got together for a buddy weekend? Joy. The Book of Joy was compiled by Doug Abrams who was asked to tag along on this historic visit between 2 old friends. *It's been 20 years since Dr. Peter J Dadamo rose to fame with Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type. Today, he says, the work is more relevant than ever. *Shari Brown has found happening reading from 3 sacred scriptures. Listen in and hear her simple wisdom. Namaste, Kacey