Precarious

Forgiveness, to forgive. Why is it so hard to do? Is it that we think we are condoning the person's behavior if we forgive the person? What do we gain by not forgiving? What do we lose by not forgiving?We lose a great deal when we hang on to resentments. Science shows it's bad for our health- physical and mental.In this episode of Precarious, I explore forgiveness: its definition and and give an example of "how to" forgive.Why this topic? As I get closer to dying, society gives the message that part of gettting my affairs in order is to ask for forgiveness as well as forgive others.PS - I turn 57 on July 28th. I didn't think I'd live this long once I was diagnosed with cancer back in 2013. Life if full of surprises.

What is Awe? When is the last time you experienced it? Even I questioned whether it is considered an emotion? It is an emotion that absolutely can improve our quality of life. Yet, it takes paying attention and being open to it.In this episode of Precarious, I reference Dacher Keltner's book, AWE. The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life. He outlines 8 sources of AWE and how we can access this beautiful emotion.As my life comes to an end, I have experienced more moments of AWE than I have in my life time. It's not too late to expreince more AWE in your life right now.

Susie Steiner, a writer for the Guardian, published an article about a nurse who documented the top regrets of the dying.She wrtites, "Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom."I would love to hear from you. Join the conversation. If you were to die soon, would you have any of these regrets? Do you currently have any of these regrets?email me: leah@leahbarrett.com

It can be lonely in the podcast land. I'll admit that having a one-way conversation has its advantages. And, facing my mortality can be lonely at times. So, I've decided to invite you into the conversation. In this short episode, I pose a number of questions about life and death and living and dying. I realize this can be a difficult topic, so be gentle with yourself if you feel uncomfortable. Email your responses to: leah@leahbarrett.comI look forward to hearing from you.

The chidren's book, The Velveteen Rabbit, was first published just over 100 years ago. The book is packed with life lessons or least encurages the reader to go inward and explore what it means to be REAL in this world that rewards us for being something we are not. I'm finding that illness and eventual death is a beautiful pathway to becoming real. In this episode of the podcast, I explore this connection. When you are stripped of your armour, you are left naked and vulnerable. The Skin Horse explains this process of becoming REAL to the Velveteen Rabbit. I see the parallel process in living in a body that is growing weak and moving closer to death. What might seem scary (and it is at times), is actualy a beautiful evolution of becoming through love.

I've struggled for a long time attaching my value to my health. This struggle has been amplified these past 9 + years since I was diagnosed with cancer. The emotion that comes up strongly is shame. Shame and guilt are cousins in the emotional world. Guilt means "I did something wrong" while Shame means "I am wrong". How many of us carry this message? I'd be curious to know. I unpack some of my thoughts about this concept.Friendship can be protective shield against adopting the shame indentity. I'm not talking about the number of friends you have. It truly comes down to the quality of these relationships. There are all types of friendships which meet a varity of our needs. I explore the types of friendships that help us witness who we really are in this world and how this can help us guard against adlopting the messages that our culture dishes out which is so painful and damaging when you are living with a chronic illness or injury.

I've been receiving a newly FDA-approved drug since December. My hope has been to give my body the chance to see if the disease responds to treatment in order to improve my quality of life. As it turns out, this treatment has been very difficut for me to tolerate. It's brought into question so much for me. Every day I wake up feeling grateful to be alive. Everyday I look for the beauty.In this episode of the podcast, I share a story of a beautifull moment I had with one of my nurses as I was receiving supportive care on a very difficult day. These moments fill my heart. We landed on that in the end, "kindness matters".In the last half of the episode, I'm excited to announce a new project. It's called the Precarious Project. It's a companion to the podcast and an invitation to share how life's precarious moments have impacted you. You can find details on the website: www.theprecariousproject.com The goal is to create community around life's precarious nature.

Every wonder what its like to work in cancer care? As a nurse? How it affects that individual? How it changes her/him? I do. You'd think I'd have those questions answered living with cancer for almost 10 years. Nope. All of my heath care providers show up professionally with appropriate boundaries. Sitting down with Monica, one of my oncology nurses, and having the opportunity to ask her all of these questions was eye-opening. You will love her honesty and transparency. She brings her humanness with her. I left the conversation feeling like I was in the presence of one of the purest forms of love and it was contagious.

I have decided to come clean and let you in on how my path towards death has evolved. I admit, I was purposely not disclosing some information. And, in this episode I lay the foundation for my rationale - or at least I explore my rationale. I'm at a crossroads. And, yes, I return to the concept of suffering becasue it's one of my measuring sticks. I ask all of us to visit our relationship with it: what does it mean to you? How do you mange it? Do you try to avoid it? Embrace it? Someplace in the middle? Suffering doesn't necessarily mean "bad". If not, then how do we live with it has humans?Join me in this BONUS episode. I am sharing my precarious life decisions in real-time. If that's not an act of vulnerability, I don't know what is.

Here's another BONUS episode of the Precarious podcast. I'm tossing these out there as I feel moved to share with you an "audio journal" version of my experiences living and dying. I guess you could say I'm letting you in to my inner workings as I travel down this path.These audio journals are not meant to replace the original Precarious podcast format. I do plan to interview guests as long as I am feelng well enough and can recruit guests to interview.In this episode, I share my reactions to a Mary Oliver Essay titled "the Bird". This is a magical story at every level: the original story she wrote, my story, the serendipity of the intersection of these stories. Boundless beauty wrapped in hope.

In this episode of BONUS EPISODE of Precarious, I share my experiences about how my not knowing how much time I have left to live has beautfully transformed my relationship with time for the better. I have a different relationship with time. Cancer has made that clear to me. Have you thought about your relationship with time? How do you view time? Do you chase it? Lose it? Wish you had more of it? Wish you were better at mastering it? Listen to the language we use around the concept of time and you realize that we have made time a commodity. There are entire industries based on helping you learn skills to better use your time. Only humans would take time and make it a business venture. We have sadly veered off course.

I met Jeff Eagan a couple of years ago. He is a physical therapist specializing in oncology. What does that mean? Research demonstrates that moving your body and exercising through cancer treatment decreases fatigue, increases mood and improves quality of life. Over the years, Jeff and his colleagues have built an incredible program which has blossemed into a community of people living with cancer "working out" together. What he didn't ancticipate is the healing goes above and beyond rehabing the body. This community of people living with cancer is really Rehab for the Soul. Listen to us swap stories of love, connection, and mutual support that falls into it's own category of "magic".

I've been living with cancer (ovarian and breast and now ovarian) for nine years. I've been grateful to have periods of life with out active disease. Now - I'm approaching the end of my life. If someone told me that I would live nine years beyond the day I was first diagnosed, I would not have believed them. It's hard to capture all that I have learned about myself, others and what it means to be human through facing my death by living my life. But, in this episode, I try my best to share this "wisdom" with you. There is nothing special about me. I happened to be diagnosed with a terminal illness, like so many and others who have experienced trauma and tragedy. It's my hope that you gain some of these insights without having the terminal diagnosis. I believe it's possible. Give it a try.

I've stopped treatment for my cancer. And, honestly, didn't plan on recording another podcast mostly because I did't think I'd still be alive. In this episode of the Precarious podcast, I took advantage of my "aliveness" and sat down with my dear friend, Michelle Faris. She has shown up for me in ways that bring tears to my eyes: such acts of beauty. I wanted to capture an organic conversation and share this with you. Over this past month, we have explored all sorts of topics revolving around my illness and imminent death. Don't be frightened to listen. This conversation is filled with hope, love and peace. I'd go as far to say it's an optimistic take on how we face our final act as humans.

I love sitting down with Skye C Cleary because I love philosophers and especially female philosophers! This was a treat for me. Not only is Skye a philosopher, she is an author - her most recent book "How to be Authentic. Simone de Beauvoir and the Quest for Fulfillment". She also teaches at Columbia University and the City University of New York. I could go on and on about her achievements. But, what I want you to know is that our conversation revolved around a well-known existential female philosopher (Simone de Beauvoir) and how her beliefs are relevant today. What is fulfillment? What does it mean to be authentic? What is happiness? How does our impending death inform us about the lives we lead? How do women perceive these concepts and major milestones in life differently from men?

I recorded this episode in mid-September and am just releasing it now (my cancer/treatment got in the way).Cissy White is a writer, speaker and advocate all things trauma. She is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse and abandonment and has created a platform to raise awareness of the devastating lingering impacts resulting in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).A few years ago, Cissy was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer - something we share in common. She has taken her passion for advocacy for healing the shame that comes with our trauma and talks about how she is harnessing this as she moves through treatment for cancer. She admitted that it feels easier to live with the PTSD from cancer than it does from childhood sexual abuse. What I most appreciate about Cissy is her optimism in the power of healing in the midst of struggle.

What if this is as good as it gets? What if our best days are behind us? I think about this often as I'm constantly adjusting my definition of what it means to be fulfilled, successful, or even happy (I'd settle for content). Join me as I explore the benefits of accepting what is and what shows up in our lives. There is a down side to perpetually striving to be better than good. And ,if this sounds depressing, it's not. It might actually provide relief.

Dr Keith Kahn-Harris has been living with Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) since his early twenties. He acknowledges that he is privileged in that he was able through support of his family to complete his graduate studies and become a professor, researcher and writer. Despite his accomplishments, he continues to strive to balance his chronic illness and live his full life. I was intrigued by an article he published in The Guardian: "I gave up hope of a cure for my chronic condition. And it's made me happier than ever before." We talk about the idea of hope - when it is helpful and when it is hurtful. Maybe leaning into accepting what is may be more helpful than hoping for something that will never be.

Joe Sooch is 29 years old and has been living with Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva (FOP) is a very rare genetic connective tissue disorder characterized by the abnormal development of bone in areas of the body where bone is not normally present such as the ligaments, tendons, and skeletal muscles. He has lost 95% of his mobility and relies on others to help him with daily functions. But, talking to him, you wouldn't know it. He has a way of living with this disease that puts it in the background which is impressive given how this has physically shaped his life. And, this is not living in denial. He very much lives in his reality. He just doesn't let the illness overshadow what's important to him. We talk about relationships, sex, podcasting and living a full and big life. Joe left a huge impression on me. I'm a better person for it.

Forrest Gump famously said "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are gonna get." True. And, I've been thinking about how life is like a tube of toothpaste. That full tube of toothpaste feels endless and abundant. It's only when you come to the end of the tube do you treat those few remaining drops as if they are a precious commodity - not to be wasted. In this episode of the precarious podcast I encourage us to reflect on our relationship with time. How do we measure it? How much time makes a long life? Is that even the question to be asking? To quote Seneca, the Roman Philosopher, "Life is not short...it is long if we know how to use it." Kind of like how we use a tube of toothpaste.

I did something irrational and some may say a bit reckless. It wasn't planned. I adopted a feral kitty! My original plan was to sign up as a foster volunteer for one of our local animal shelters. I should have known better. My first attempt at fostering failed. And, I'm happy to report that I'm in love! Connecting with animals is one of my greatest joys and top on my list of how I take care of myself which got me thinking about the concept of self-care. I talk about this all of the time with my clients, so much so, I feel like it has lost its sense of meaning. In this episode, I share some thoughts about "Self-Care" - What is it? Why do we resist doing it? And, I give some tips to make self-care less complicated and more accessible.

Danielle Glick is a survivor of multiple traumas: domestic violence, emotional abuse, and a suicide attempt (just to name a few), and now cancer. She describes cancer as the hardest thing she has ever endured, which came as a surprise to her. We share a common profession: mental health. We talk about how hard stuff can break us, break us open. It teaches us to prioritize the important things and people. And, mostly, it clarifies our reason for staying alive.Danielle Glick is a licensed therapist (LPCA, CADC) specializing in dual diagnosis and medical trauma. She is also a doctoral student, recently having completed her first year toward her PsyD (Doctorate in Clinical Psychology).Early in 2020 she started not feeling well and shortly after the COVID-19 shut down would find that she had cervical cancer that was spreading to her uterus. Danielle is a natural advocate having volunteered with "This Is My Brave" & NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Health). So it was no surprise when she decided to use her experience of living with cancer to help others in a similar position.

Strangely, I recorded this episode right before I experienced a bit of a medical emergency and ended up in the hospital. So, it seems a be prophetic. Allowing others to take care of me is one of my greatest challenges. It feels like I'm jumping off a cliff hoping that the net will appear while having little confidence that it will actually show up. It's a struggle for many of us. In this episode, I explore what it would be like if we believed that we are "here" to help each other, to support each other and in essence "walk each other home".

It was a treat to sit down with my brother, Jason Barrett. I was curious about how his time serving in the Marine Corps affected him. Believe it or not, we had not ever really talked about it. He shares stories of facing his fears, witnessing death, informing loved ones of their son or daughter's untimely death and how all of this has shaped his perspective on life. What shines through is Jason's commitment to making this precious and precarious life count.Jason joined the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo team in December 2020, moving from Colorado in the United States of America to take on the role. Jason joined the Tattoo with over 10 years' experience in the hospitality industry and has held various Chief Executive and Management roles in the US.Prior to this, Jason had a distinguished career in the United States Marine Corps. He served 20 years as an infantry officer where he held leadership positions, teaching leadership as well as being involved in high-level strategic planning. Jason retired from the Marine Corps as Lieutenant Colonel in 2010 having led over 1,000 marines with $150 million in assets.Notably, during his time with the military, Jason served in both Iraq and Afghanistan and has written procedures for managing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for the Marine Corps.

This is a very special episode of the Precarious Podcast. I feel like I met my soulmate in all things uncertain and precarious. Her name is Kimberly Warner. She is a filmmaker. In 2015 she developed cervicogenic vertigo and Mal de Débarquement Syndrome or MdDS that manifests as a constant perception of rocking, bobbing and swaying. After searching for treatments/cures and coming up empty, she had to accept her reality. She turned to her craft of filmmaking as a way to connect with others who are in the community of the "Unfixed".These are the stories of humans who are saying “yes” - the ones who believe their worth lives in the nexus of pain, uncertainty, gratitude and purpose. Through exploring these stories I hope to uncover insights and universal truths that can encourage us all to live more fully and radically Unfixed.

Lately, I've been thinking about the concept of "our potential". It's not uncommon to hear someone remark about living up to "one's potential" or the opposite - not living up to "one's potential". This notion of fulfilling our potential feels like one of the rules of life, an expectation that we are burdened with at birth. Cancer and facing my mortality have forced me to look at this through a very different lens and for that I am grateful.

After watching his mom succumb to Huntington's Disease, a rare genetic neurological disorder with no treatment and no cure, Seth, at age 20, decided to see if he carried the gene. The test results came back positive. He shares what it's like to live with this knowledge and how he tries to balance holding onto hope for a different future with accepting the brutal reality of his situation. In the meantime, he is not waiting around for treatment of a cure for HD. He is pushing the needle forward and advocating for others like himself. He is a gift to humans.

There is so much I appreciate about Dr. Moyez Jiwa. What stands out the most is that he cares deeply about the "patient" experience. I was recently a guest for the second time on the "Health Design" podcast which he hosts. He is also the author of "The Art of Doctoring" and editor and chief of the "Journal Health Design". Moyez believes that we can change outcomes in healthcare today by focusing on how we communicate which is why he gave me a platform to talk about what it's like to live with a terminal illness. I am grateful to him for shining a light on the healing power of doctor-patient relationships and encouraging all of us to lean in, listen and learn.Moyez Jiwa graduated in medicine from Trinity College Dublin (complete with an Irish accent), he trained as a family physician in Scotland, with postgraduate qualifications from Nottingham and Sheffield Universities , UK. He now works as the Associate Dean at the Melbourne Clinical School, University of Notre Dame Australia.

Arthur C. Brooks. If you looked at his accomplishments you would assume he knows the secret to success: best-selling author (12 books), Harvard Business School Professor, acclaimed public speaker and creator of How to Build a Life column for The Atlantic. In his latest book, From Strength to Strength, he challenges us to rethink the definition of success. Through his research and personal exploration, he encourages us focus on what really matters in the end. Listen in on this deeply personal conversation.

Eric and I share a love of pushing our physical and mental limits. It's how we met - our common love of athletic endeavors. And, now we share the challenge to face life-threatening diagnoses. In the past three years, Eric was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, a congenital heart condition and most recently Parkinson's Disease. We give credit to and gratitude for our athletic experiences setting us up to face the biggest challenges of our lives. And, although, it's bittersweet, "we aren't done yet".

Like many college students, Chad joined a fraternity. He experienced the time-honored ritual of hazing. As a college junior, he challenged his fraternity chapter's culture of hazing and found himself fearing for his safety. This set his future path in motion. Chad left the experience consumed by the idea that organizations can ignite, rather than inhibit, the growth and individual potential of every one of their members. He has used this precarious experience to become a leader in the field of hazing prevention.In graduate school, Chad conducted and published an original research study on perceptions of hazing, which led him to serve as President of the Board of Directors for the non-profit organization HazingPrevention.Org. In 2007, Chad was named an Anti-Hazing Hero by HazingPrevention.Org, and in 2010, he received one of two awards that year for Outstanding Greek Life Professionals by the Fraternity Information & Programming Group (FIPG).

I love talking with Joe Fusaro. We sit down and reflect on this past year and how our unique struggles (Joe living with Bipolar I and Schizoaffective Disorder and me living with cancer) have similar challenges. Living with chronic and life-threatening illness is both exhausting and exhilarating, lonely and connecting, and awe-inspiring and awful. We talk about what we have learned about ourselves and how to take this wisdom into the new year.

Eight years ago today I was diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer. I didn't think I would live to see this day. Nor did I have any idea that I would also be diagnosed with stage 3C triple-negative breast cancer and recurrent ovarian cancer. In many ways, I am grateful to not have a crystal ball. If I had known what I was about to face and endure, I would have crumbled under the weight of grief and worry. I am a different person than I was when I was first diagnosed and yet very much the same. I am proud of who I have become.

I'm in the thick of my latest existential crisis. Cancer will do that. Noticed how I said "latest". Over the years I have tried to make sense of me, my life, others and the world I live in. It's also part of my job to hold space for my clients to do the same. As I have struggled, I see them struggle to "figure it out". In this episode, I ponder the idea that maybe there isn't a moral to our life story. The more we try to do "the work" to better understand ourselves only to feel like we have failed can't be good, right? Instead, maybe it's best to cut ourselves some slack and remember that there isn't a finish line for self-actualization.

Even though it's been an exceptionally beautiful Fall season this time in Colorado, I can't help but feel the familiar dread that washes over me as the leaves start to turn colors and the temperatures begin to cool. It was this time almost eight years ago that marks the beginning of my life with cancer. I'm having what's called an Anniversary Reaction: a normal grief response around the date of a traumatic event. In this episode, I talk about Anniversary Reactions, what they are and how to cope with them. I also explore how the Pandemic has created the potential for some of us to experience extended and recurrent trauma responses given the duration of this epidemic.

The Turley family are the epitome of Grit. Doug Turley lived with ALS also known as Lou Gehrigs Disease for fourteen years way beyond what the doctors had predicted. I sit down with his wife, Becky, and son, Ian in this episode of the Precarious podcast. Their story is a story of grit which is defined as having courage, passion and persistence in the face of adversity. After interviewing them, I'd like to think that some of their grit has rubbed off on me. At the very least, it has given me a lot to think about.

Have you ever felt that someone touched your soul? And, as a result of your meeting, left it just a little fuller? That's exactly how I felt after talking with Laura Pritchett. She is a writer, an award-winning author, a lover of all things nature and an advocate for it's survival. We talk about how the core themes in her work are stories of the precarity of life. Laura shares her own precarious story and how this prompted her writing, "Making Friends with Death: A Field Guide to your Impeding Last Breath". This conversation came just at the right time for me. Connecting with the natural world has become a big part of my healing: physically, emotionally and spiritually. Laura Pritchett is a mere mortal who will someday die—and she's doing a little better with that fact now! She's also the author of nine books. She began her writing journey with the short story collection Hell's Bottom, Colorado, which won the PEN USA Award for Fiction and the Milkweed National Fiction Prize. This was followed by the novels Sky Bridge, Stars Go Blue, Red Lightning, and The Blue Hour. Her novels have received starred reviews from Booklist, Publisher's Weekly, and School Library Journal, and The Blue Hour was listed as one of the “Top 5 books that will make you think about what it is to be human” by PBS and made the Booklist Editor's Choice for 2017. She also has two nonfiction books: Great Colorado Bear Stories and Making Friends with Death: A Field Guide to Your Impending Last Breath. She's also involved with environmental issues, and is the editor of three anthologies about conservation: Pulse of the River, Home Land, and Going Green: True Tales from Gleaners, Scavengers, and Dumpster Divers. Her essays and short stories have appeared in The Sun, The New York Times, Salon, High Country News, The Millions, Pinch, The Normal School, Publisher's Weekly, Brain, Child, and many others. She directs the MFA in Nature Writing at Western Colorado University

Sometimes I think living is harder than dying. At least that's what I've been struggling with since I completed another course of IV chemotherapy. Metaphorically speaking, living means staying open in the face of fear. Living means staying engaged in the midst of overwhelm. It's a courageous act to stay present when life feels like it's one big "sufferfest". Here's to every single one of you who are enduring some version of pain at this moment. You are my hero.

I sit down with Laurel Braitman - well, she is actually phoning in from the Alaskan wilderness! What an amazing human. Laurel Braitman PhD is a New York Times bestselling author, historian and anthropologist of science. She is the first Writer-in-Residence and the Director of Writing and Storytelling at the Medicine & the Muse Program at the Stanford University School of Medicine where she is helping medical students and physicians communicate more meaningfully--for themselves and their patients. She holds a PhD in Science, Technology and Society from MIT, is a Senior TED Fellow and a 2019 National Geographic Explorer. Her last book, Animal Madness, was a NYT bestseller and has been translated into eight languages. Her next book House of the Heart, (forthcoming, Simon & Schuster) is about growing up, mortality and how we might live with the perspective of a terminal disease without the dire prognosis. Her work has been featured on the BBC, NPR, Good Morning America and Al Jazeera. Her stories have appeared in The Guardian, on Radiolab, in The Wall Street Journal, Wired, National Geographic and other publications.Laurel and I connected easily and instantly. Listen in as we talk about her work and soon to be published book about growing up with a father facing a dire prognosis and how this shaped the way she lives her life.

I'm inviting you into a very personal and intimate experience. I am releasing my most recent counseling session that I had with Dr. BJ Miller, Palliative Care Specialist and Founder of Mettle Health. BJ Miller was actually one of my first guests on the Precarious Podcast. Little did I know that only a few months later, I'd hear those dread words, "Cancer is back". I reached out to him immediately and haven't looked back. What you will hear is an unedited glimpse into my current experiences of living with advanced cancer - my fears, my struggles, my hopes and my desires and how BJ helps me walk this tightrope. Come, be a fly on the wall. It's a rare opportunity to be invited into such a sacred space.

Here's Part 2 of my conversation with Joe. We talk about playing it safe versus taking risks with our hearts. We ask the question, "Do we have to experience pain first hand in order to learn and grow?". And, my 20-something year old cat, Buster, makes an appearance!