Apocrypals

Open your ears to hear, Theophiloi! Your humble Sons of Thunder are back in style with a return to the show and to Canon Bible, just in time to kick off your Approximate Week celebrations! As promised, we're back with an in-depth look at 1 Chronicles, and while that may be the most boring part of the entire thing, we're doing our best to make it interesting. Or possibly to tear it down and debunk it, depending on who you ask.  Topics of discussion: Benito's academic qualifications, a review from Chris's mom, a dubious number of Eisner awards, true facts about Benito's secret catholic Bible college seminary past, a bad baby name, These Uncircumcised Men, Jasho Beam!, All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Gadites, a rare instance of the Apocrypals working blue, the interesting peculiarities of God manifesting physically in the mortal world, a special chair that Chris doesn't know about, Joyeuse, a downgrade from Wack to Weird, My Brother, My Bread, And Goliath. Hymnal: "He-Man" by Ludacris, "Take A Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church  (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Apocrypals is usually edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown, but Chris did this one. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17 

It's 2024, Theophiloi, and a new year means new friends for your humble sons of thunder! This time, we're chatting to Dr. Justin Sledge about Biblical esoterica and Qabalah, and you know what that means: we finally find out if Promethea or Persona 5 is a more accurate depiction of real-world theology. It turns out Sephiroth ain't just a dude with a big sword and some deep-rooted issues with his mom. Who knew? (Justin did. That's why he's here.) Find out more about Justin and his work at https://www.youtube.com/esotericachannel Topics of Discussion: A Froggy Fresh Christmas; New Bible Drop; Forbidden coneys; the 36th Chamber of Qabalah; The messiah's hype man; Sixty pages on three words; The art of harmonisation; Pugilists of faith; Schrodinger's Gnosticism; Running for the deep, mystical border; God's Hulk (complimentary); The hedge against cultural imperialism; The Twelve (derogatory). Hymnal: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17 

You know, theophiloi, the topic of trauma in Bible might not seem like something that would lead most people to an extensive discussion of James "Logan" "Wolverine" "Patch" "Lucky Jim" Howlett, but, well, you know how we are. In this special installment of our Multipals series, we're joined by Dr. Alexiana Fry for a delightful discussion that is wide-ranging even by our standards. Join us as we travel from Copenhagen (or "C'pnhawghw," apparently), to the Princess Bar in Madripoor and all points between with the author of Trauma Talks in the Hebrew Bible! Topics of Discussion: The Patch Eras Tour, the Text of Terror, Cortado and Toast, Taco Bell (not a sponsor but ABSOLUTELY COULD BE), the Big Oh No, the juiciest fictional goss, the reprint of the origin of Jebus, cover for rippin', imminent domain: middle seat edition, the two types of yoga (regular and non-wrestler), words of power, Shrek and trauma, #GlorificationofMartyrdom, Boober and the Second Death. Hymnal: "Friends Forever" by Puffy AmiYumi, "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

Happy Halloween, The-AHHH!-philoi! As is our tradition here on the show, we're spending the spookiest day of the year looking at texts involving haints and saints! Sort of! We're pushing the definition of "texts" and "haints" to their absolute limits by watching the 2014 evangelical horror (?) film (?), The Lock-In, in which a supervised slumber party at church becomes an existential nightmare due to the presence of a haunted adult magazine.  No, really. That's what the movie is about.  Topics of Discussion: Sex is Wacko (But Not Right Now For Teens), an empty field with fire and Danhausen, Benito: a lonely fan of corn, a bonus review of Journey to Hell (2022), Vegeta's cool shirt, approved uses of oils, puppet ministries, Nick's Mom/Atom Bomb, the purple box as metaphor, the Jared Leto of Christian Horror, the most adult magazines, The Apocrypals Solve Theodicy... Again!, a second "What the Frick?"  Hymnal: "Monster Smash" By Altégo Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

You there, Theophiloi! What day is to-day? Wait, what? OCTOBER?! Well, I guess we did miss it, then, and the spirits took their sweet time teaching us the true meaning of Approximate Week. Oh well, time is an illusion and regular publishing schedules are a prison. Either way, we're back with a brand new episode covering the Didache and talking about our mutual birthsday!  Topics of Discussion:  In Burger King as in life, an X-Change of Swords, the Holy Spirit guides you to ol' Deuts, RIP to a One, everyone should be having fun, Sigma Scripture, great news for chihuahuas, Magic Arts & Filthy Talking: Together Again, the Pepsi of Baptism, making a meal of the Eucharist, …You might be a False Prophet.  Hymnal: "Come With Me" By Sean "Didache" Combs Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

Don't worry, Theophiloi! You still have some time to leave coffee out for a werewolf and decorate your anti-arousal thorn bush for Approximate Week (observed). We're bumping back our celebrations to once again bring you a Chill Hangout Sesh with some of our multipals! This time, it's the oft-mentioned Drs. Janet Spittler and Tony Burke, a pair of experts in New Testament Apocrypha that I personally mostly just ask about Wolverine from the X-Men. Topics of Discussion: NASCAR: it really works!™, the noncanon canon, Just Some Gospels, a few apocalypses is plenty of apocalypses, the Comically Extended Death of the Herods, Johnnys Thunderson and Bapto, Jesus and the first chain letter, Jeezey and the Bandit II, Bible Team-Up #1-7, Toxic Mark Gospels_Manual_V9_Revised_Final.pdf, a consensus of one (onesensus), remembering the yellow guy from cartoons. Hymnal: "Hand on the Needle" by Brent Hagerman. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

Do you wanna party, Theophiloi? I sure hope so, because the Multipals series continues with another of our rowdy friends: Anne Thériault (from Ontario), who joins us to talk about her work writing about St. Dymphna and the podcast And Also Some Women, focusing on the women of the Bible. Sadly, I don't believe we get around to talking about a certain saint who called down lightning and completely wrecked some blood-thirsty seals, but to be fair, you already have a podcast for that. She also talks about her favorite episodes of this show, because look, we all need to be cheered up these days and I'm no exception. Topics of Discussion: Bilingual wordplay, going full youth pastor, French Canadian cursing that won't violate our Clean tag, go transubstantiate yourself, the bagel culture war, a bad history thing, the fruit circle of Hell. the Lady Saint Hydra, Hugh Grant's secret name, The boarders of Geel, the greater part of a skeleton, just saying -isms, most is excellent, Composite Mary-Man. Hymnal: "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" by Bocephus. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

Don't be jealous, dear Theophiloi; just because we have some new friends doesn't mean we still don't love you just as much! In this episode, we're talking to another luminary of Biblical TikTok, Aaron Higashi! And look: I'll read the Didache eventually. I've just got a lot on my plate right now, and we have to find out what the Biblical scholarly consensus is on Wolverine's best costume! Check out Aaron's TikTok at: https://www.tiktok.com/@abhbible Topics of Discussion: A Handsomest-Man-off, OnlyPostles (dang it we should've called it OnlyPals), theatres of study, a new grudge (Huey Lewis riff), careers in Bible and other dreams, the best kind of sword, objectively dope sky wizards, doing violence to the text, super-turbonerds, superstars of theology, Send Benito To The Moon For Ever, prying meaning and joy from the jaws of life. Hymnal: "We''re Gonna Be Friends" by the White Stripes. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17      

Hello, friends and neighbors, and welcome (uh, back?) to a brand new sub-series: Multipals! In these episodes, we're going to be sitting down with guests to talk about Bible and, most likely, Wolverine from the X-Men. To kick things off, we've got the Main Dude of Bible Studies TikTok, Dr. Dan McClellan, here to talk to us about how he tries to clear up misconceptions about the Bible and theology, and why it's very important to wear a t-shirt with Lobo or Venom on it while you're at it. That's right, y'all: we finally found someone else who likes to talk about Bible and will admit to being really into Todd McFarlane's Spawn.  Make sure to check out Dan at https://www.maklelan.org/ and on TikTok @maklelan!  Topics of Discussion: Beard guidelines vs. Beard Law, the battle against misinformation, snakes (literal), a weird rock, the new hotness in being wrong, God's wife, a record number of tetragrammatons, Disciple Babies, Crisis On Infinite Sources, Inserting the Ark (not like that), adjusting the lens of your theology, a divisive binary concerning Uncanny X-Men #268, so-and-so go on Apo. Hymnal: "Deep Fried Frenz" by MF DOOM Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

Look, Thephiloi, you don't actually have to skip this one (it's actually one of my personal favorites, tbqh) but I'm gonna warn you up front: we were in a PRETTY SILLY MOOD when we were recording this one. Come for the discussion of Hosea's prophecies of ruin for the iniquitous and faithless houses of Israel and also how much he just really hates his own wife, stay for our extended discussion of that one ghost from Ghostbusters, a film they showed to children on television. Topics of Discussion: A child's pronunciation, what is (and more importantly is not) a Christmas song, the issue of royal turnover, the opposite of boredom, the days of the balls, the original middle panel, the sin of raisin cakes, two kinds of wine, that one ghost, a hungry prophet, a silly dove move, advice for the Memphis Grizzlies. Hymnal: "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus, "Chiquitita" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church  (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17      

You there, Theophiloi, what day is to-day? What? It's mid-November? Well, we keep the spirit of Halloween in our hearts year round on this podcast, so we're going ahead with our annual tradition of Haints 'n' Saints with a second pair of stories starring Rabbi Israel ben Eliezer, the Master of the Good Name! Join us as the Besht Around takes on an evil antisemite with an army of dinosaurs and Ninth House Bone Monsters and then turns his attention to a somewhat low-key intervention in a swamp monster murder plot. And don't worry: it ain't a real cat. Topics of Discussion: Jack Black's latest star turn, being a Dune Guy, Adrian Brody being surprisingly ripped, the origins of the piñata, Fire-Lions and Figer-tires, loose bones, microwaves that make monsters, the final boss is hogs, why it's good to know The Name, purifying yourself in the waters of lake Minnetonka, writing your sins on the driveway, beware of the Sin Blob, don't anger a body of water, Denny O'Neill is defensive, David Blaine: Professional Liar, Orphan Orange and other wild Otter Pop Lore. Hymnal: "What's New Pussycat" by Tom Jones, "Toccata in D Minor" by Richard Elliot Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

Welcome to Season 2 of Apocrypals, dear Theophiloi! You know, like how every podcast does 103 regular episodes and then takes an extremely planned break of several months before returning, refreshed and renewed? It happens all the time, and it's honestly weird that you haven't heard of it. Anyway, what better way to celebrate our return than with 2 Kings, a book that is more wildly violent than every Mortal Kombat put together. Join us for a story that has multiple people exploding, our second instance of a dude being whisked up to Heaven to hang out with God, and of course, the infamous Biblical murder bears. You're 39 in the hole, Elisha.  Topics of Discussion: A series of unfortunate events (no, really), Chris's brand-new Bible tattoo (no, REALLY), a bad look, bird poop economics, a death scene that leaves a truly perplexing quantity of body parts behind, a bold statement that might anger the "woke mob," Zedekiah's Bad Day, the Tingler.  Hymnal: "Two Kings" by Tenacious D, "Mamma Mia" by by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church  (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

No spoilers, Theophiloi. It's our birthday we're covering a text that listeners have been requesting for five years.  Hymnal: "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry, "The Winner Takes It All" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church  (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

And what more can I say, Theophiloi? By faith, we recorded a podcast about the Epistle to the Hebrews, which some dweeb thought was written by Mr. Paul even though it doesn't start with a lengthy introduction about how Paul wrote it. We tackle a mostly yikesless text that pretty much recaps the entire Book up to this point by summing up the Justice League of the Bible!  Topics of discussion: The Worldwide Weather Wreport, the Mꙮratꙮrium, why you should give me personally $316, Messiah (lv. 81) vs. Uriel (lv. 81) and Michael (lv. 87), Dracula, a galaxy brain take on which religion is correct, Esau getting Ethered. Hymnal: "Justice League Unlimited" by Michael McCuistion, "The Winner Takes It All" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church  (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

I suspect, dear Theophiloi, that there is no stepfather in all history more overshadowed than poor Joseph, the humble carpenter whose competition for his Son's affection was in fact the Almighty God. It's a pretty rough role to fill — especially when the kid you're raising keeps using holy ghost powers to murder and/or resurrect your neighbors' kids — but the tradeoff is a long life in which one is never sick or has a toothache. Turns out that baby aspirin ain't no joke. Listen in as we discuss the history of Jesus's put-upon  Topics of Discussion: Persona 5 (again), Ma and Pa Kent, the many terrible ways in which Jesus refers to his Earth parents, the Bowtie Fallacy, A. Wife, Herod's Evil, Enoch & Elijah & Tabitha & an Australian Woman. Hymnal: "Common People" by Pulp, "Gimme Gimme Gimme" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

The Book of Job is famously one of history's biggest bummers, Theophiloi, so in this episode, we're going with something that always brings us joy: women fighting dragons. It's Martha of Bethany and Margaret of Antioch, two blessed saints with adventures worthy of the airbrushed side of a custom van! Topics of Discussion: A review of a bad review, a review of Chris's mom, Martha Wayne's pearls, the Stone Cold Stunner, the Tarasque (CR 30).  Hymnal: "Through the Fire and Flames" by DragonForce, "SOS" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17     Note: Chris's audio is choppy in some spots due to a recording problem, it is not the fault of editorial Deacon Lucas Brown.  

Have you ever wondered why bad things happen to good people, Theophiloi? Well, we've found the answer in the Book of Job, a literary classic and/or utter failure, and it's pretty simple: God's indifference is indistinguishable from God's wrath. That's... kind of a weird idea to show up in Bible, though, so join us as we spend an hour unpacking it along with the long-suffering title character and the Creator of the Hippopotamus. Topics of Discussion: (sigh) the weather, Benito's patreon which I want to make clear does not support Chris (but is still worth it), hiring an editor for the show, the Inverse Pascal's Wager, Old Man Elohim, interchangeable children, chaos dragons, dinosaurs in the creation museum. Hymnal: "When I Needed You" by Canadian superstar Carly Rae Jepsen from the critically acclaimed 2015 album Emotion, "Chiquitita" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

No man  knoweth the hour or the day, Theophiloi, but our 100th episode is at hand! In celebration of our centennial, we take on one of our most requested texts: the recently discovered Gospel of Judas! Join us as we settle the argument about Judas Iscariot once and for all. Is He Man or Monster or…. is he both?    Topics of Discussion: The Crime Bible, Who Picked Acts?, Irenaeus of Lyon, GEORGE CLOONEY IS LEARNING COPTIC, Jesus L-ing HAO (PGFE), a joke that I literally forgot the meaning of between recording the show and editing it, One Punch Man's friend, the one tiny fact of the world that Chris has actually influenced, the One Above All, spoilers for Persona 5, Apocryphoes.    Hymnal: “100 Days, 100 Nights” by Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)   Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

You've heard of Solomon, right, Theophiloi? The king so wise that he once threatened to cut a baby in half? Well, if you were looking for more examples of this famous wisdom, we have some bad news for you: it sure as heck ain't in Bible. Instead, we get a lot about decorative gourds and a little about bathing in blood in One Kings as we kick off a new year on the show! Topics of Discussion: A busy start to 2022 TYOOL, the Queen's DBZ phase, a hot political take,  “The Big Game,” a really fun thing listeners do about Benito pronouncing Hebrew that is just so fun for us, a human slanket, a comic that really s*cks, Solomon's extremely cool chair, Ahab (Earth-616). Hymnal: “King of Kings” by Mötorhead, “Take A Chance on Me” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.

We suspect, Theophiloi, that it has been as much of A Year for you as it has been for your humble Sons of Thunder, so please forgive us for skipping the lengthy and intense reading we would've done for Hanukkah in favor of going right to a much easier Christmas episode to finish out the year. We're diving back into the shallow pool that is Jack Chick's hateful ouvre with three “classic” holiday themed tracts: The Missing Day, Holy Night, and Humbug! They're real bad! Topics of Discussion: The similarities between the Fifth Book of Maccabees and House (197   7, dir. Nobuhiko Obayashi), a Biscuit-based scam, the Strasbourg of the Midwest, a gift exchange, a wild reaction to chicken wings, Purebred Hoss Cat Energy, Home Alone, PCP, Boston nonsense, Bob Cratchit's NFTs, setting an old tomato. Hymnal: "Christmastime is Here" by Vince Guaraldi Trio, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

Quick, Theophiloi! Name your favorite Apostle! Okay, good, now we know who among you cannot be trusted, because anyone who said Andrew is a liar. My dude is boring as all h*ck except for the part where Andrew's friend goes completely John Wick on a bunch of dudes who are trying to recreate the cover to Uncanny X-Men #251. That might not sound very appealing, but… well, it's a good show anyway. Promise. Topics of Discussion: The importance of being furnace, vampires fighting each other and why we're not talking about that, The Discourse,  the Parricide Bag, a vehicle, doesthedoggetbadeintoadryandbarrenplaceandhurtnomanuntilthelastday.com, playing the miracle hits, Chris still being mad about blog comments from like  13 (!) years ago, Adamantis, the best name, triangles, the nicest time to pray, Stratocles, the worst possible typo. Hymnal: “X-Men” by Ron Wasserman, “Winner Takes It All” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.   Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

Happy Halloween, FIENDS and NeighBOOs! It's the spookiest time of year, and to get in the SPIRIT, we're reading about how the Master of The Good Name and founder of Hassidic Judaism fought a werewolf and then out-lawyered a ghost in front of God Himself. No, really. It's exactly as rad as it sounds. Topics of Discussion: AHH!BBA, a spooky film recommendation, the RAMBAM, the RADR, etc, the Appalachians of Dracula, Barovia, a very suspect ingredient, a ghost murderer who has a pretty good point actually.  Hymnal: “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” by Tracy Morgan, “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett  Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

I don't want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had promised afore by His prophets in the holy scriptures), I could probably do a better job than whoever it was who wrote this one and then pretended to dig it up from under his basement. That said, this bit of apocryphanfic does give us one of the most influential depictions of Hell, making it perfect for the season of Haints 'n' Saints. Plus: Math! Topics of Discussion: Squid Game: It's Not Splatoon™, Midnight Mass, Heck Houses and Judgment Houses, sins that upset rivers, a joke about sins from Benito that is itself a sin, Panther Noise, God's Footstool, the worst time to monitor sins, Heaven rivers, the Josta Street Team, Teekl (the cat), the ungodliness of warp drive, pitchforks. Hymnal: “The World is Falling” by The Woggles, “Bloody Tears” by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/c/JonnyMusicChannel/) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Work with me here, Theophiloi: It sure is late July 2021, and that means it's time for us to celebrate the feast day of Jesus's Second-Favorite Mary, depending on who you ask! We're rolling through a hagiography of Mary Mags so dubious that even Jacobus de Voragine says part of it is definitely made up, and considering that dude's wack standards, that's saying something. Plus, a very special guest Saint who definitely exists because some history dude would not admit that he didn't recognize a statue of Jesus.  Topics of Discussion: Chris's move, Dave Seville's truly reprehensible parenting, the nature of the word “bridge,”  Just Tryin' To Get Through in 5782, the nature of the word “Gruenies,” the etymology of Mary (fake), the etymology of Mary (real), antagonyms, the seven canonical hours, The Feet. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17. Hymnal: “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner, “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Martijn Koetsier (https://www.youtube.com/c/Organ4everyone)  

Blessed are your hosts, Theophiloi! It's been a while, yes, but we're back just in time for our mutual birthday, with a look at an apocryphal text that goes from zero to complete buck wild in the span of about one paragraph. Get ready for some real Bee Attitudes and join us in this episode as we find out how Joseph — the Old Testament one with the coat, not Jesus's stepdad — met his very tall, very mean wife.  Topics of Discussion: Donald Duckin' into an avuncular age, who's the Scrooge/Georgia/Ryan/Taylor and who's the Donald/Karen/Shane/Phoebe?, Apocrypha for Beginners by Brandon W. Hawk, fancasting for Aseneth, some good cat names, BDSM, a story about Balder the Brave. Hymnal: “A Bee Without Its Sting” by the Go! Team, “Bad Romance” by Mad Organist (https://youtu.be/a9mgZqO4bgc) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

I think you'll agree, Theophiloi, that while texts containing actual stories about things like 12' werewolf saints and angel jacuzzis are nice, the real action here on our goodtime comedy podcast is in non-narrative, fragmented gnostic texts about how good is not good, evil is not evil, Jesus is made of bread, and also he had French babies. We're diving once more into the geometry that inspired the Da Vinci Code (and, you know, the whole thing about Merovingian kings) as we read through the Gospel of Philip and the Gospel of Mary Magdalene! Or what's left of them, at least.   Topics of Discussion: Christmas in July, Death & Taxes,  Persona 5 (again), an actual Blessed Voltron Mary,  Jesus is Clothes, a pretty crucial missing four pages, Johnny Ace, Jesus is Bread, a sound clip from the Da Vinky Code that I'm sorry to say I will definitely be getting some mileage out of, Professor X, a very good joke, a heck of a guess about some kisses, the most amazing paragraph Benito has ever read on Wikipedia.   Hymnal: “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Starr,  “Aria of the Soul” by RokutakeForte ( https://www.youtube.com/c/RokutakeForte/ ) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

CONTENT WARNING: This episode contains discussion of sexual assault with regards to the story of Amnon and Tamar, beginning right after the ad break and ending at 26:00. If I had to rank them, Theophiloi, I'd say that the most wildly violent pieces of media I have ever taken in through the eyeballs are Doom 2016, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, and the Second Book of Samuel. Unlike the first two, this one's not all fun, but we do eventually get to the point where it goes full-on Looney Tunes.    Topics of Discussion: Apocrypals X/Y, the Correctional Confessional, the immediately canceled TV show “Kings” which apparently enough people remember that they were surprised we didn't talk about it, Jonadab, handshakes: bad, ZADOK THE PRIEST, summer fruit, the hilarious death of Absolom, Benito claiming that Bible makes narrative sense like he hasn't been here for the past 89 episodes, double good news???, the Super-Dictionary, Goliath II: Back In The Habit, Halloween Havoc 1995 (I.Y.K.Y.K.), the Hushathite, an example of how well Benito has come to know Chris over the past three years. Hymnal: “Stuck In the Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel, “Opening Music + Title Screen” by Jonny Music   Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

If you told me three years ago, Theophiloi, that the most famous king in Bible was not in the book called “Kings” but was instead in the part named after a dude who is neither present nor alive for the entire thing, I would've been real salty about it. Fortunately,, what it lacks in its title character, Sammy Deuce more than makes up for in sheer violence. It's so much that we had to split it into two, because much like the Mountain Goats, King David and his boys are getting into knives. Topics of Discussion: Clive Barker (which would be a good name for a dog), the Apostles as dogs aka the Puppostles, both kinds of “DC Talk” that you hear on this show, one of my many questions about Persona 5,  strength measured in lions, the Field of Blades, an extremely β move, curse options, Rimmon the Beerothite, David's crime-solving micro-sleeps, the climactic and mind-blowing end of the Philistines, a Biblical Sexy Lamp and alleged divorcée, the Neck Verse.   Hymnal: “Backstabbers” by the O'Jays, “Voulez-Vous,” by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3HfDh6zydM7Im4alq282hA )        Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

You may be wondering, Theophiloi, how we could possibly talk for over 90 minutes about 1 Samuel, which contains one of the Bible stories that literally everyone knows. And yes, you almost certainly know about David and Goliath, but do you know about David's vast collection of foreskins? Or the part where the King of Israel does necromancy with the mom from Bewitched? Or that sweet sweet groundhoney? If you do, well, listen anyway, there's good jokes in this one and we’re going back to our favorite metaphorical bar.   Topics of Discussion: The New Neo-Normal, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers, BrotherMania, Benito's shocking and world-shattering opinion of "Unchained Melody," an innocuous phrase that I do not enjoy saying, Nazarites, a truly sick burn on ol' Howie Lovecraft, Dagon's door rules, the secret 11th Plague, sub-par goldsmithing, an indeterminate number of melted faces, Castlevania II,  Doeg the Edomite, a technique for identifying men that shows that quite frankly they have always been terrible, Carl Dean, To Da Dome, Goliath Facts, the Secret Chord Moratorium.      Hymnal: "Holding Out For a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler, "The Great Atomic Power" by the Louvin Brothers   Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246   Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

We weren't kidding, Theophiloi. We actually did a full-length commentary track for The Da Vinci Code (2006, Dir. Ron Howard). Did you know this movie is almost two and a half hours long? Because we didn't when we decided to do this. That is merely one of many shocking revelations that you can unravel along with us in this parasocial hangout sesh... OR IS IT? Topics of Discussion: Listen, I'm not going to lie to you here, we talk about a LOT of stuff in this one, about 30% of which is related to the movie that's playing in the background. At one point we just stone cold talked about Spider-Man's costume for five minutes. You knew what this podcast was when you downloaded it. Hymnal: "Mona Lisa" by Jerry Lee Lewis Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

We're finishing up our third anniversary special this week, Theophiloi, and the sheer weirdness of Enoch's new career has gotten vast enough to fill a myriad of parasangs. You might've thought you were prepared for everything we're going to see in this, but can anyone truly be prepared for SATAN STORMWIND, the sensational character find of the 2nd Century? It's the Dark Souls of apocrypha as these one two princes of podcasting get through 3noch 2: A Little Bit Louder Now. Topics of Discussion: Adventuring as low-quality nuns, Dom vs. Metatron (Dometatron), Lords of Dread and Captains of Fear, the best way to view the Lord ;), a comparison of the Holy One (Blessed be He) to Shaft from Youngblood that sets os off on a lengthy diversion about the Rob, an unprecedented Triple Devil Drop, technical difficulties, portals to the punch dimension, Chris making himself laugh with the dumbest running gag we've ever done, Enoch's definitive number of genders, the alphabet of sins. Hymnal: "Party Up" by DMX, "Party Up" by Jammin' on the Ivories (https://www.youtube.com/c/HipHopPiano/). RIP DMX Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

Do me a favor, Theophiloi. Take a moment and write down the number of eyes, wings, and faces, that you think angels have, bearing in mind that you listen to this show and we know you know that two, two, and one are not the correct answers to that question. Now look at that number and understand that according to 3noch, you are almost certainly underestimating how wild we're going to get in this episode. It's our third Apocryphersary, and we're finally tackling the infamously brain-melting Third Enoch! Topics of discussion: Calling Benito from Target, a very challenging church sign, Chris's ongoing attempts to become milkshake buddies with YouTube content creator Jacob Geller, a quick hit of our hatred for Bob Kane, a truly wild secret identity, God Robins, Negenoch, Parasangs, the grossest thing I've left in the show instead of cutting out, forgetting the Power Stone for a long minute, Watchamacallits, Saphiriel H Who Killeth, the different ways to interpret the phrase "full of eyes." Hymnal: "Angeleyes" by ABBA, "Angeleyes" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

As it is written in the Book of Ecclesiastes, Theophiloi: futility. Utter futility. That's what we get from trying to influence the farce that is Lent Madness to get our pick, St. Dunstan, all the way to the end of that sham of a tournament. In the time between deciding on him and recording this episode, our holy boy is already out, despite doing some real Hellboy stuff to the Devil his own self. Find out more in this week's episode, which is neither farce nor sham! Sometimes! Topics of Discussion: St. Joseph's Day, the best possible Die Hard sequel, Jacobus de Voragine's strange attitude towards names, a true momacle, a bunch of people with extremely ninth century royalty names that I'm not going to write down, an attempted callout for my need to do occupy myself while I record these pdocasts, animæ, a light bit of lit crit, bad meter. Hymnal: "Running With The Devil" by Van Halen, "Jump" by BusinessPug (https://youtu.be/X20rr5sA-Ow) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

You know, Theophiloi, my wife, she's a really big fan of these saints these days, so I was wondering if you could help me out here. I've been trying to get through the life of of St. Columba, but there's just a couple things I don't understand. See, this thing, I've been going through it, and it's 87 pages long, and I just can't seem to figure out why a podcaster would choose such a long document to read for a show about Ireland's third most popular saint. It just seemed a little peculiar is all. I thought maybe he'd want to read something that didn't start off with a bunch of prophecies about dinner guests that only got around to sea monsters and such until about halfway through. [Benito (Robert Culp) nervously adjusts his tie and offers an explanation.] Ah, of course sir, that explains it, thank you, I'll leave you to your books there, I appreciate the time. Oh, just one more thing: if that was the story of a saint fighting the Loch Ness Monster, then why was it only two paragraphs? Topics of Discussion: A brief sojourn into the life of Philip of Macedon's favorite son, the farce that is Lent Madness, an FHO joke for all the Toddheads out there, Oingus, miracles of dubious intent, a two-hander of a blessing, Cronan of Munstermen, Deathrib (Kilmore), a dirty puddle, milk miracles, THE ABSOLUTE WORST WIZARD BATTLE THAT I ALMOST HAD TO CUT OUT CAUSE IT'S NASTY, Manus Dextera, a lengthy diversion about "Lethal" Larry Hama. Hymnal: "When Doves Cry" by Prince, "Fountain of Dreams" by Jonny Music (https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

We have had some points of contention, Theophiloi, but up to this point, it's mostly been about Benito's bizarre and upsetting taste in candy. This time, though, a strong candidate for the worst book we've read so far threatens to tear the show apart as a genuine undercurrent of resentment flows over how boring the second half of Jubilees is. Don't let that stop you from listening to the show, though! We promise there are some good jokes in here somewhere! Topics of discussion: burrito distractions, Carman RIP, flaming desserts and Jubilees of various types, Reverse Benjamin Button Disease, Perversity Enmity and Room, Benito making a joke that makes me legit furious, Warp Whistling past some rough stuff, Foghorn Lord of Dreams, Jahziel, some Tony Hawk jokes I should've kept in my back pocket. Hymnal: "Holy Calamity by Handsome Boy Modeling School, "Guile's Theme" by Sonya Belousova (https://www.youtube.com/c/playerpiano/) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

As you are well aware, Theophiloi, the Book of Genesis is the foundational text of not only multiple major religions, but arguably most of Western literature in general. That said, we can all agree that there's at least one major flaw: it does not contain as many half-angel cannibal giants as any of us would like. Fortunately, we have the Book of Mega Drive here to help out by adding an entirely new villain and glossing over some of the more important things of which you might've heard. #ReleaseTheJubileesCut! Topics of discussion: A complete bonus hagiography of St. Valentine, Anno Mundi vs. Antemeridian, Midrashic Impulse, wisdom and prudence, the watchaaaaahhhs, God forgetting about sharks and bears, Noah getting cold smoked out with the Lord, a Diamond Dave drop that gets Benito for a full thirty seconds, the true nature of demons. Hymnal: "One-Winged Angel" by Nobuo Uematsu, "One-Winged Angel" by Grissini Project (https://www.youtube.com/c/GrissiniProject1/featured) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that Mr. Paul is at it again, Theophiloi... maybe. In this episode, your humble Sons of Thunder dive into Ephesians, a brief slice of Bible that is relatively (RELATIVELY) chill, to the point where there's doubt over whether the New Testament's grumpiest boy actually wrote it. Don't worry, though: there's still plenty to get mad at. It's the best and worst of our least favorite first-century saint! Topics of discussion: Joe Biden's large adult Bible, 30 Coins, the Feast of the Ass (A REAL THING), In The Appalachian Footsteps of Paul, the Prince of the Power of the Air, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it humblebrag about Bible translations, Chris's called shot for a great joke, actively heckling the Apostle Paul, an F.H.O. reference to the other JC, the three great works of the Western canon, Rando. Hymnal: "The Imposter" by Elvis Costello and the Attractions, "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

CONTENT WARNING: The text covered in this episode contains a scene of sexual assault, discussed starting at 1:38:00. Happy Gentile New Year, Theophiloi! Like Merle Haggard, we have made it through December, and we're treating ourselves to what is probably the rawest book in Bible — which unfortunately includes what Luke T. Harrington has called the most depraved passage in the whole book. What better to greet 2021 than with that sort of up-and-down rollercoaster ride of history? Samson! Jael! Gideon! Do you dare gaze into the fists of THESE Judges? Topics of Discussion: Christmas presents from listeners, the difficulty of Medieval artists in depicting literally any animal, our new Discord server, the usefulness of thumbs, Jebus, worshipping the Baals, a truly humiliating death scene, the etymology of "cowpoke," the Bible scene that almost passes the Bechdel Test, Gideon, a sexy (???) fig tree, BNRA, the first Spring Break, the Texan Shibboleth, structural liontegrity. Hymnal: "Pretty Savage" by BLACKPINK, "Gouge Away" by Jammin' on the Ivories (https://www.youtube.com/c/HipHopPiano/) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! We've wrapped up the show for the year, but before we get to these last few days of kicking back with a nice hot chocolate and a cup of coffee for St. Lucy, we're inviting you to join us for our Christmastime gift exchange. Plus: a very, very short apocryphal text about Baby Jesus bustin' up rocks!

Happy Holidays, Theophiloi! It's our favorite time of the year, and that means we're once again reading the story about how an angel came down to herald the birth of a child whose divine nature would be revealed by a dove, and who would gather a group of followers and perform many wondrous miracles: the Blessed Voltron Mary. Yeah, apparently the whole "be not afraid" stuff happened to her first, but don't worry. Jesus gets his own unique adventures in taming lions, sittin' on a sunbeam, and being worshipped by straight up literal dragons in this, the wildest and least canonical infancy gospel of all. It's the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, courtesy of Brandon W. Hawk and the Early Christian Apocrypha series! Topics of discussion: A rabbinical endorsement of our mozzarella stick tradition from The RaDR, a lifetime supply of pencils, Kayfabe Matthew, the relatability of Mary, the delight of the afternoon in Bethlehem, the hideous dogs of antiquity, Robert Animacorpus, the Starbucks in Nazareth, the angels Grubhubiel and Doordashiel, Mary's Womanly Experience, buying makeup at Tasepiphorus, the eternal reward for trees and cars, Jesus got ups, the worst thing I have ever read in my life. Hymnal: "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love, "Donner and Blitzen" by Rob Halford. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

Chag samaeach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah time once again, and for 5781, we're diving back into the dynasty of God's resisters with MACCABEES — and this time, it's about family. Join us as we go through some truly grotesque and graphic descriptions of torture in what is essentially Green Eggs & Ham meets Hostel. It's... maybe not the best way to celebrate a gift-giving holiday, but, well, we didn't write it. Also: Olive Garden, stop reading. Applebee's.... hello. Topics of Discussion: the pandemic vs the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (which was actually quite good), Benito's trip to the hospital, a series of jokes to remind you of exactly where we grew up, a balanced evaluation of Seneca the Younger, "Jews" vs. "Hebrews" in South Carolina, angel horses, catapults, the dopest last words of all time, the gross and grisly death of Antiochus, a review of our SJW politics. Hymnal: "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams Jr., "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Organ4Everyone (https://www.youtube.com/c/Organ4everyone/featured) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.  

Advent continues apace, Theophiloi, and we're celebrating with two of the most famous and popular lady saints, St. Barbara and St. Catherine! Babs and Cathy are here to visit total ruination upon the devil (who, sadly, does not actually appear in these stories) using explosions of various sizes. I'm not gonna lie, it gets a little grim, but c'mon. You know how most saints became saints by now, right? Topics of discussion: Quibbling with Martinmas, Advent Saint Tradition Power Rankings, the Tetrarchy, the long tradition of Catha Fabula, the disappointment of Porphyrius, briefly listing the cast of Hades (2020), the benefits of doing things with incontinence, horrible things described like Looney Tunes. Hymnal: "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" by Limp Bizkit, "Hey Ya" by the Jakob Singers (https://www.youtube.com/user/jakobsingers/featured) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17.

If you thought the Song of Solomon was going to be a tough one for us to get through with our "Clean" tag intact, Theophiloi, brace yourselves for the Life of St. Martin. With a translation that almost has to be purposefully nasty, we're kicking off Advent with the 100% true and factual story of Martin of Tours, the saint who cured the sick, raised the dead, and ruined at least one funeral. Plus: the Devil! Like... a lot of the Devil! Topics of Discussion: Things we will have done for Halloween, Benito's obituary for Chris, Sulpitius Severus and his enduring fan-fiction, the difference between soldiers and monks, a bishop whose name briefly turns this into an Abbot & Costello skit, the funniest line to ever appear in an actual hagiography, our obituary editorial cartoons, the invocation of Bofa, measuring demons in Marys Magadalene, the benevolent devotion of St. Martin. Hymnal: "Martin" by Steve Keitt, "Welcome to the Jungle" by the Hungarian Coverist (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkHR1ZZ1bsYNkFBv1qkjQ1A) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Psalm 12:8.  

Happy Halloween, DRACULA-philoi, and pre-SCARE to have your sins counted as we descend once more into HELL! Specifically the Hell described in the Apocalypse of Simon "The Rock" Peter, in which everyone's favorite teen apostle describes the many punishments that await sinners of varying quality in the afterlife. Let BOO-nito SCREAM-o and CRYPTS Sims (should've thought of that one for the show) guide you on a harrowing journey full of ironic punishments and laser babies. THRILLER EYES! Topics of Discussion: The Halloweenicity of the Phantom Zone, Halloween Carols, the spookiest Batman villains, seasonally appropriate video games, #FigContent, the Third Jewish Revolt, apocryphal subtweets, a debate over acceptable obscurity in our references, Curt Connors (The Lizard) (and What He Did), very specific apocalypse imagery, blasphememes, God's intense dislike for Avatar (2009), milksnakes, a Gravitron of Wizards, Teenage Mutant Ninja Angels, karate history, tiny pitchforks. Hymnal: "Into The Fire" by Dokken , "Thriller" by Jonny Music ( https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel/featured ) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Nahum 3:17.

If you've ever read Bible and thought "hey, this is great but I wish it had dudes just unleashing straight metaphorical fire on workers of iniquity," then allow your humble Sons of Thunder to introduce you to Micah and Nahum. What these two prophets lack in verbosity, they more than make up for in sheer scorching anger. Just wait'll you get to Nahum 3:19, Theophiloi. It's wild. (Note: There's a stretch in this episode where Chris sounds like he's recording over a CB radio. It gets better after about ten minutes. Apologies, Romans 3:23.) Topics of discussion: Halloweason begins, an understandable confusion of two saints, The Elder Scrolls V: 5kyrim, some deep cut comics references just in case anyone was starting with this episode and needed a good reason to not continue, yet another reference to the Power Team, new Holy Ghost powers to impress the kids, God's wife, the Raw Bible Verse spreadsheet. Hymnal "Tramp the Dirt Down" by Elvis Costello, "Lay All Your Love On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Mark 12:40.  

Happy New Year, Theophiloi! That's right, it's Rosh Hashanah time, and we are 100% Done In 5781™. Also done? Joshua, whose journey to become the second Moses is going to take him down the path of mass murders and detailed land allotments, which is basically what the entire Old Testament is if you really get down to it. Get ready to break down the walls and Be Courageous, because we've got some neck-steppin' to do! It's the podcast that you can still hear, even to this day. Topics of Discussion: A quarantine update, confusing t-shirts, the Nine Worthies, a time before VeggieTales, Rahab vs Rahab, the Four Most Beautiful Women in the World, JeriShow, the Battle of Ai (Ai Ai Ai), a clutch reference from the HCSB, a joke that made my wife just FURIOUS, Dan's inheritance, the source of the vast majority of modern Christian wall art, politics! Hymnal "Break The Walls Down (Chris Jericho)" by Jim Johnston, "Run Away With Me" by Sunny Choi (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCppVe5NioL7fAHEflYGeYgA) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Mark 12:40.  

One half of your humble Sons of Thunder is joining you from real-for-real quarantine, dear Theophiloi, but that won't stop us from griping our way through our first canonical New Testament book of this calendar year. What might stop us is Mr. Paul in prime form, declaring himself to know more about Jesus than anyone on Earth or in Heaven, but we try to get through it in an episode that could perhaps best be described as "adversarial." On the other hand, we do find out that the Bible says gender is fake. Topics of discussion: Benito in quarantine (Quarantenito), angels v saints, Murder Bears Moonshine and Mayhem, the Circumcision Party, that meme with Hannibal Buress, a Christlike attitude towards metaphors, the many problems associated with a too-tight foreskin, fruit of the spirit. Hymnal: "Do Just What I Say" by the Woggles, "Fernando" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3HfDh6zydM7Im4alq282hA) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17.

If you seek birthdays, Theophiloi, prepare for war — the War Scroll, that is! As we celebrate the Approximate Week between our two personal nativities, we dive into the Dead Sea Scrolls for the first time to find out all about the best of seven series between the Sons of Light and the Sons of Darkness. Please note that these Sons of Light are not, like, half-angels or whatever, but they do write some extremely dope things on their swords. Topics of Discussion: Hobby Lobby being duped into becoming a literal Indiana Jones villain, Zydeco: the music of the Saducees, Alexander the Great, trumpets of ambush, trumpets of skambush, the strange acronyms of Forged In Fire Knife Expert Doug Marcaida, eternal slaughter, Dwayne "Cephas" Johnson. Hymnal: "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes, "Seven Nation Army" by the Hungarian Coverist ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkHR1ZZ1bsYNkFBv1qkjQ1A ) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17.  

Having trouble sleeping, Theophiloi? Well here's an evangelion for you: this episode covers a letter written by the most boring person to ever cover a miracle. Get ready for intense table measurements, detailed MapQuest directions to Judea circa 250 BCE, and some day one philosophy class nonsense. It's the thrilling story of the Septuagint and the curse upon those who would alter it, which is mentioned maybe once in a document that is roughly eight thousand pages long. Topics of Discussion: the sexy and sad holidays in the month of Av, the Screechowlnado, the Screechnado, Aristeas: Boring Threat or Lying Menace?, the exact number of books that existed 2,200 years ago, sexy ducks, Δεεζ and βοφα, the Sep2agint, Jesi, some dubious information about how weasels get down, some more dubious information about dealing with night terrors. Hymnal: "Brick By Boring Brick" by Paramore , "Sandstorm" by Jonny Music ( https://www.youtube.com/user/JonnyMusicChannel/featured ) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 1:17. (Note: an earlier version of this episode had a Problematic Theme Song. Thanks for letting us know!)

Under normal circumstances, Theophiloi, ladytype saints tend to become so by not having any adult fun at all and then calling Jesus lightning down on man-eating seals or exploding and teleporting their way out of a tower. For Episode Nice, however, we're covering two women who took things in the opposite direction by having all the adult fun they possibly could and then chilling out once they were finished. Believe it or not, they have way more agency in their stories than you might expect, even if the events are related by a couple of boring monks. No, not us, the weirdos who wrote this stuff down back in King Arthur times. Topics of discussion: St. Swithin's Day and (sigh) the weather, VI/IX (iucundum), Mary Magadalene: 1st Century Space Kook, Marvin of Antioch, the All-Might of suffering in the desert, the mortification of the Desert Father Spike, a very judgy use of force field technology, a better show called Apocrypals, a not-so-clean joke that made Benito laugh so hard I had to cut out a coughing fit, some stuff about Doctor Who that I almost cut out because I just do not care. Hymnal: "Baker Street" by Gerry Rafferty, "Trap City Mass Choir Part II" by Kevin Johnson Jr. (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBjLwXQgI0O-3JqaRqn9ccQ) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.  

Welcome to your Not-So-Dirty Thirties, Theophiloi! For as it is written, in the New Jerusalem, we will all be at the age where it's time to start thinking about getting an IRA, and realizing that we can't stay up drinking like we used to do... forever. This is one of the many strange things we learn in our set of three dubiously Johannine Apocalypses brought to us by New Testament Apocrypha Vol. 2, brought to us by translators Rick Brannan, Rebecca Draughon, Jeannie Sellick, Janet E. Spittler, Chance E. Bonar, Tony Burke, and Slavomir Čéplö. Join us as we learn about the church's many metaphorical body parts and witness a world-shattering kick from an angel. Plus: a truly wonderful etymology. Topics of Discussion: (Heavy Sigh) the weather, JesusFAQS, a joke for the olds, our Obama-Era Bodies, concerns about Benjamin Harrison's corpse, candles (to smell), blue scents, seals (the boring kind), vegetable-based signs of Armageddon, a comprehensive physical description of the Antichrist, the Regulation of John, a large rock and a quick debate about terminal velocity, the Seven-Mouthed Pit of Punishment, Lord Fallsworth, Lord Fairfax, Righteous John and Just John, candles (to eat). Hymnal: "River Deep, Mountain High" by Tina Turner, "Edge of Glory," by Jonatas Andrade (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf7gfrO6HfG8d_Ti5fCrchA) Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.