Mr. Fitxit

If I've written an episode description, I've written it 33 times. Why in the name of a Jeopardy contestant's HOA meeting would anyone ever say, “if I told you once I told you a thousand times”???? What a bogus If/Then statement. Pretty sure MS Excel would give you a big fat #VALUE! Or #REF! for that….Speaking of which, was that MS Excel joke “nerdy”???I'm def fed up with jock-nerds who are all nerdy about jock things. Bro… I watch SPEEDRUN videos of KIDS playing NINTENDO 64 games when I can't sleep and I probably clean n jerk more than you AND I just ran 10 miles yesterday…. And I'm NOT a nerd about Jock bullshimt!!! Hey… I don't want anyone to think we meant to imply Kenny G isn't creative. How could he not be.Have y'all ever made a tin foil canoe?Seems less wasteful than those “structures” Ms. F was making and gettin last place but still going to Orlando to WASTE MORE FOOD AND GLUE IT TOGETHER!!!! At least no one could have EATEN a FOIL CANOE FULL OF WASHERS IN A KIDDIE POOL IN AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PARKING LOT!!!!!!!Love,Mr. & Ms. F

ZAIREEKA! Honestly y'all … I've read nerd ass critics say it's terrible but I'll tell ya….. you and your friends get your pupils dilated AF and get a 50 pound Dell laptop from 2001 and someone's old boom box… and some other CD players from eBay or whatever …. And boyyyy I'll tell ya… it's cool for a few minutes. But I'm happy to have done it a few times.Hey… seriously tho… why are grownass adults going around telling ppl but not telling them they're just blasting off into their wives' vags? “We're trying to get pregnant.” Ummmmmmmm ok? Thanks for sharing I guess? Thanks for putting this image in my head? It was awkward enough before you shared this information to a room full of people who don't want to hear this…. Although I seem to be the only one whose brain goes there? Get outta here that's BULLSHHHIMT. Hey… what kind of idiot store manager (or whoever decides where to put fruity pebbles cereal bars in which aisles at stores) decides to put one kind of fruity pebble cereal bar in the aisle with crap like vitamins n “protein cookies” and another kind of fruity pebbles cereal bar in an aisle like 200 feet away from the other fruity pebble cereal bars? Sometimes I think I'm an idiot… but I'm relieved and also further upset when I notice there's people doing better off than I am making stupid decisions like this.I thought this episode was gonna be boring but holy crap it's the best one yet. Let's drive slowly over some pedestrians while blaring the quad citiy DJs yall WOO ooo WOOOOO!!!!!LoveMr. & Ms. F

Does Maryland even have fingers? I thought it did... I don't know I briefly looked at a map after this and it looked mega different than the last time I saw Maryland on a map. Weird.Does eternity depend on your size? But your size only matters when you have something of a different size to compare it to.... right? Does that matter when Mr. F snaps and the sound wave from his fingers travels 3 and a half meters across the room to Ms. F? What about the microscopic things floating in the air between Mr. and Ms. F??? Does the sound wave obliterate those things or pick them up along the way? And do those things even have brains or something that can even comprehend what is happening? Do those things know what language is? Do they need to understand our language or can they perceive on some other level. Ay yi yi. What a stupid STUPID name for some kind of triad of fitness-ey things. Sounds more like a game involving a tumbling tower of rectangular blocks than a place to get strong and healthy or whatever. Screw that.And how bout that name of that crossword puzzle creator? Give it up for Cubby and trying to imitate a WD-40 can. This is the best episode ever so far.Please listen with headphones. Or in a car or wherever FINE. And share with your friends. We love you.

Wow didn't even realize we'd done 30. HOO freakin RAY.Doesn't it feel like Gatorade Frost just came out not that long ago? Weird.Who the hell does Mississippi think they are? Ole Miss???????? I guess if your state is that horrible maybe you have to make yourselves stand out somehow. Maybe some would say that's what we do with this show. But does it even stand out? Maybe it sits down to stand up. Have you ever heard that song where he screams that? I have. It rocks so hard.Hey… can you believe we never got a picture when Brian and I had an entire wall of our apartment dedicated to local sex offenders? Brian if you're reading this and I haven't texted you yet… lemme know if you have a picture… or kept the map. HE SERIOUSLY DREW THE MAP!!! Of Chicago!!!! TO SCALE (I think.)If you have ideas on how to spell that “word” at the end, let us know. My brain is convinced it knows the answer but I've been wrong about many things a lot of times. That's the thing about people who think they are never wrong… they're wrong A LOT and you CAN'T TRUST THEM.  But y'all can trust me. Even tho I just told you I'm wrong a lot.

Hey..Have you ever made hash browns from scratch before?Have you ever been wearing red pants with the fly open and have any bits and/or pieces sticking out in the middle of class?Hey... aren't you glad you weren't born with that thing in your brain that makes you decide one day to murder your family and get a documentary made about you???But what if you have that thing and just don't know it yet????? That'd be the freakin' WORST!!!!!Also... why would a person... who later gets shot in the face and kidney (with a gun) ... decide to do THAT to a BAT???????Hopefully someone out there can answer our questions about why planes can't just turn like cars... and also answer the age old question...WHERE DOES VINEGAR COME FROM?????????????Thanks for listening.Please meat Jim & Bob and us at [Texas (Road{house})] to throw shit all over the floor.We love you.

Wow can you figure out why there'd be a pic of Martin Mull on the cover of this one????? That can be a little game for "y'all" to figure out. Wow. That's cool. What's not cool is the kid from the Nirvana cover doing that thing he did. I can/can't believe it.This is probably the greatest episode ever.But we must have faith that future ones will continue to get better... so much better, in fact, that we look back at this one and say, "wow... that song during the capillaries part SUCKED." Well that's your opinion, young man. And you're an IDIOT.Hey does this show count as ASMR?? I think it might actually. I'm going to tag it with that. I think these are probably best listened to with headphones/ear goggles anyway. Sitting at your desk at a job you hate with co-workers who are willing to just get fat and do nothing but their dumb job 10-12 hours a day not including the hour and a half part in the morning where you're just filled with despair making coffee ....plus the commute time to and from.....  and then just watch sports at night time and say things to you the next day like, "did you see the game?" or "hey you look like that one fighter... the Irish guy" ... pretty cool we humans decided upon this system and to just do that for our short time on this planet.Not me though... nooooo sir... I'm recording PODCASTS and turning things Ms. F says about freaking PENISES into sooooongs man!That story about Ozzy Osbourne pretty much sums up my entire life I think.Please tell your friends about our songs about penises and also our songs about capillaries.We love you.

I'm going to start shortening the titles of these things. Titles are nice... not just "things that the episode is about" yknow? And it's not like this episode ISN'T about headbutting kids in first grade anyway.....yknow?We finally get to the see-el-eye-tee-oh-are-eye-ess Clippers submissions this week. Sheesh it's about time. Did y'all know that cool fact about paper and folding things in half? Wow. Remember ... you can't judge a book by it's cover unless it's a self help book. Can you imagine actually reading / finishing a non fiction book?  Wow.I have made 2 to 4 websites in my day... but probs none as good as that first one we talk about in this one. Really wish / am glad it's not still there.Really happy they contacted JOZVEJCORP about making the music for the "Penguins and Skeletons" video game.Keep lis'n'n'Love you.

Wow what a fun episode.Don't you think someone should be able to win the whole Olympics? And if you were to retroactively turn a pseudo “conversation” about Malört  into a pseudo “song,” wouldn't you also make it in 11/4 time? Oh you don't know anything about music theory? Neither do I. But I know how to count to 11 boy do I ever. And boy have I ever been learning how to say things about horses and bread in Portuguese on a popular language teaching-you-how-to-speak-it app. What a hoot.We love you.

Twelve is a solid number of eps per season YKNOW??????!Plus I do feel we are in a NEW ERA of the show… so it feels right to have a NEW STARTING POINT or sumthin.I KNOW that the Z-word we refer to is ACTUALLY just someone who MAKES the stuff, not necessarily a CONNOISSEUR of the stuff but let's “be real”… if you're gonna make the stuff, you “should” be a CONNOISSEUR of the stuff…. AND VICE VERSA FREAKIN PROBABLY!!!?PS our “editing team” cut out an entire 6+ minutes from this about picking your own line at the grocery store vs getting into a separate pre-line with your fellow shoppers so you all have the best chance of getting the best available line. Ms. F had NO IDEA what I was talking about and it was STUPID… but I'm sure “y'all” would back ME up on that anyway right??????!And I KNOW it's EASY to “make fun of” prescription drug commercials BUT WTF is that side effect for your Type 2 diabetes pill, JARDIANCE®️?????PS I don't think we'll ACTUALLY talk about the Olympics every week bc they're over now (I think?) and we didn't even watch em.MAYBE WE WILL THO!WATER POLO LOOKS LIKE GYM CLASS! Keep listening… TELL YOUR FRIENDS!SEND @MRFITXIT YOUR WINNIFRED CLEO SUBMISSIONS!!!We LOVE YOU!!!C-L-I-T-O-R-iiiii-S….C-L-i-P….P-E-R-S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!C-L-I-T-O-R-iiiii-S….C-L-i-P….P-E-R-S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh ohhhhhhhhh have you ever used THAT as a substitute for freakin' toilet paper? I was once like you. But now I'm like me because I have.Ms. F has a nice little theme now... it sounds like a video game rhythmic ceremonial ritual in a field with horns or somethin' IMHO.... or maybe even a song from Winnifred Cleo and her li'l pink button band.. but that's for Y'ALL to decide ANYway.Imagine going into your work room in the basement where your kid has been having recurring dreams about in which a monster pops out of at the end and catches your kid at the top of the basement stairs before he wakes up and you look in the corner by the water heater and find two soaking wet blonde wigs and then pick em up and realize they're soaked in freakin' piss.And speaking of that... can you imagine that happening to your turquoise binder / Trapper Keeper-esque thing? WOW.Ay yi yi.... Please submit your Winnifred Cleo ideas. Our li'l clapping/singing piece at the end happened COMPLETELY ORGANICALLY. Wow can you believe it? Winnifred is in the air and was meant to be. Keep listening.Love you.   

Hope you all have been watching / have watched the John Stamos BASKETBALL SHOW ! WOW I can't even believe it. As I type this, I already know what the whole first season meant for Johnny Stay-Mo to be a DAD. Dallas Police can't pull MR. F over in his LUXURY SEDAN hell no!Wow I didn't know THAT was why raspberries had that hole in 'em. Still don't know why they have pubes tho!Do you like the new theme song variation? Expect some more of those!Thanks for the BIG FLOPPY submissions!Stick around to learn our next fake band! REAL EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE!!!!

Whoa we were on such a roll and now here we are like a month-and-a-quarter later or somethin' finally gettin' this next one out. Ah well.Are you supposed to say, “I could care less,” or, “I couldn't care less,” when talking about if you want to hear us talk about anyway vs. anyways aGAIN this week????What ever happened to that Cinnamon Toast Crunch shrimp tail assh0le?Is vanilla even white? Pretty sure vanilla beans are dark brown as hell.Can you believe Ms. F's old car was leaking and there was water all over the damn place? And that she traded it in for the same damn car?  VROOM VROOM!!!PS I had to go on a deep innernet search to find the music from the adult film I saw in 5th grade. But I found it. Please appreciate that… And all the music in this one. EXPECT MORE AND MORE MUSIC IN FUTURE EPISODES!!!No more BIG FLOPPY submissions necessary. We ALREADY RECORDED episode 23!!!DON'T WORRY!!!!REAL EXCITED ABOUT OUR NEXT FAKE BAND/ MuSICAL ACT!Tune in next week or WHENBEBVER it POSTs!TTYS/L/IAMAAQ (in a month and a quarter [but hopefully sooner ])

Episode 21 wow we're finally old enough to drink.Maybe you saw the video of me running out in a dress during a hail and lightning storm to move my car into the garage. Maybe you didn't! It's on Instrogam tho so whatever. Maybe I actually will venmo y'all if you can send a story similar to that one I describe involving dangly ones. Even if you don't have the same bits & pieces, I'm sure it's relatable.... maybe more relatabler TBHh. Hope you idiots appreciate the musical element of this show. I certainly don't view it... or ANY of this show... as a "waste of time."Please tell your friends about us. Thank you Please continue with your Big Floppy submissions. 

Wow the time is finally here to read our GRUNDLE CRUNCH submissions. But not before we talk about LASERDISCS and a certain type of bed that weren’t unpopular in Mr. F’s house growing up. And speaking of houses we grew up in... how bout those GHOST STORIES we share??? I don’t know about you but I got chills up and down my grundle when I heard those in my ear goggles. EERIE AF! But seriously... imagine a ghost actually changing clothes to go haunt people. Or an eternity in the outfit you died in???? GET REAL, MS. F!!!! YOU KNOW GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS NAKED!!!!!!

Wow... you still have time for Grundle Crunch submissions. Sheesh I mean we went on a road trip and spent a week in West Texas, y'all... you can imagine how one could get behind. Or actually you probably can't. YOU don't know what it's like to have a damn podcast in which you release episodes whenever the hell you want do you... DO YOU!!!? Wow how many times does my voice crack in this episode? Maybe because I was trying not to awaken any Marriott Courtyard guests idk...Would you want to actually eat a platter of grundle?The more I think about it, the more I'd like to.

Wow this is the first time it isn't just one moron talking non stop and / or abruptly yelling in Spanish for several minutes. Can you imagine being called THAT as a 3 year old? Or is it all made up? Thanks for everyone's fake album/song titles for TAMPON SLAP. Next time (or the time after that) we will read everyone's submissions for the fake band GRUNDLE CRUNCH. This is the longest one yet... It might take you 3-4 V or A Steams to get through it. KLILY.

5 days of some whacko ice and no power and then 70 degrees? What IS this place???? Imagine not chewing a burrito. Or going to a bowling alley....

How is football still a thing? How much does it cost to become a manager at Panera freakin' Bread Co.????? Y Santiago... tu peinado esta loco....

Happy New Year. Welp.... Cobra Kai is over... now what? Y’all ever get swooped by a crow? Y’all know I ran 50k last year and got also into champagne? If you ever got a spare 75 hours of time in your day, Mr. F def suggests making duck pastrami.

WOW... Merry Christmas even if you are reading this in July. Do bananas even have juice? I know I certainly wouldn't mind a B/P/A Steam. Gotta go though... making some good ass potatoes. Maybe we'll talk about those next time. Potatoes are THE BEST!!!!!!!

Wow ok... a new episode. It seemed too obvious to talk about 2020 and covid and shit on the first one back after a while. We won't not talk about those things soon... DON'T YOU WORRY! Everyone's homework is to find out what the F a volt is!????????????

Remember when CrossFit fired the CF Games media team but somehow the same f-ing morons covered the event? Holy shit why do people (including myself) watch this horseshit every year? And If I’m ever in a position where I have to order mannequins for my business, you can bet your smooth plastic bulge that Jozvej, Corp. is gettin’ em with nipples. Let @mrfitxit know if you have questions or you need guidance becoming stronger / fitter or you want music, videos, etc created. The 17th fittest old man on Earth is available and is good at everything he cares about. Love, John (CEO and founder of Jozvej, Corp. [Est. 2012])

Damn man like 4 hours into living in my new town and I sprain my freakin' ankle fallin' from a freakin' warehouse ceiling. Hopefully I can jump out of planes again soon. Buuuuuut sheesh idk freakin' when. Don't you think we should have a new national anthem with every president? What do you think Donny Boy's song would be? If he was cool at all he'd pick somethin' like the 1979 Euro disco hit "Moskau" by German pop band Dschinghis Khan. Annnnnd new podcast with @livbanch in the works. We live together now and bullshit in the living room into microphones. We also have been bingeing on "Cheers" episodes on Netflix.Thanks for all the kind words some of you (not enough of you) have said about the Mr. Fitxit Podcast. Contact @mrfitxit if you want any of my services... fitness coaching, podcast music, real good videos, etc. Love,John

Damn the longest episode yet. I also burp once on accident. That shit is not cool. But what do you expect when I'm pounding STRAWBERRY GUAVA SELTZER during this shit?

HOLY SHIT! Am I back? Who's to say! But I sure have plenty more to talk about. I said it'd be every week... maybe every month though for this one month stretch. Have you ever jumped your ass out of a plane? I was once like you!

Damn man I guess it’s been a few weeks. It’s time to give back and start buying coffee and breakfast sandwiches for strangers. And to not ignore group texts. Why am I sick tho? Four Old Man workouts in one day’ll do it to you I guess.... laying in bed sneezing and shit.... that’s horseshit.

Gosh the I R S is the best service there is y’know? Im really lookin forward to VIRTUAL SHOVELING this year in the CrossFit Masters Online Qualifier. This is seriously the best episode yet tho for real. I love you.

Hopefully you enjoy these wonderful episodes with ear goggles on. I pay extra so you can enjoy this shit in stereo and boy howdy am I gonna take advantage of it, mister!Have you ever folded your clothes like Marie “The Condo” Kondo? Yeah have fun with the nice crease(s) you get down the front of your t shirts... lookin like an asshole when you try to eat burgers on brioche buns with your loser friends. Keep listening.I love you.

There’s two kinds of people in the world.... the person I saw ask for a wet tortilla rolled into her burrito this past weekend.... and then there’s the rest of us. Do you know the best way to release anger while in the gym? Mr. Fitxit does. Listen to this bullshit to find out mmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmm...

Wow the CF Open is over already. I think your young 35 year old boy made top 200 on PLANET EARTH noooo problem. Hey what about these dweeches (dweebs+douches) who give “thumbs down” to YouTube vids? Listen to us make fun of them a little/lot. And learn how to endure “panic” while being trapped in a rower in a workout. .....and realizing this is all just a waste of time ......and it is worthless to try..... and why are you even doing this.... this hurts... you’ll prob die alonecough ahem.... errr... learn how we deal with panic. There’s some shit about Socrates too.

Man I sure love eggs. Don't you? What do you like better... with potatoes or with a bagel? The correct answer is C: either is awesome as long as I have ketchup.

Don't you love the new trend of people making up their own exercises? You probably do if you're a fitness nerd like these people. And that's cool. Too bad I'm cool and pretend to do Rubik's Cubes.

And WHO is Mr. Fitxit... and maybe more importantly... WHY is Mr. Fitxit. I can’t remember if I answered these questions or not. All we/ I/ he know(s) is that there’s some bullshit out there in the fitness world that should be made fun of. And yeah.... I know if you go to the CF Games website there are numbers on the leaderboard... but WOULD we have been able to complain about the app for 7-12 minutes if we just said that? And wtf the app should be the best... what is this... 1997? Only geriatrics use the World Wide Web. I’m a hip, young 35 year old boy who uses apps, man.