The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not.
content: Jan 11, 2023 Video (MP4): 20230111 - The Sleepless Moons Audio (MP3): 20230111 - The Sleepless Moons It’s an older, original song but it still checks out 🚀 definitely share this with your friends 👽 I am ready to go back to outer space. It’s my place, recognize the faces, the foreign shapes. I know the people of my race. And you are catching there at home plate and I’m clear off in left field. Not at the second stupid base waiting to make a double play. I’m out in orbit waving goodbye as I rocket far away. Rain delay. Too much dumb, damn static in our game. Can’t hear the signals, too much atmosphere. Houston, we have a problem: I’m burning up here. Arm’s singed to rubber. Bottom of the ninth and I’m patrolling Pluto. The only way to win… Lover, you just never knew what it was like to kick around in my shoes, sleep with my childhood rules learned in Sun, Sunday school. And I won’t count the sleepless moons I tried to appeal them for you. The shoes are broken in, the fans have gone. The laces are long, the currents are strong and I could drown in my freezing swimming, swimming pool. Behind in the count. Risky day for lift off, stars dealigned. Three balls and two strikes, zero gravity. Jammed comms, windshield cracked from your impact. Who’s that in the dugout? Guess I struck out. Broken hearts hemisphere. Tears in space… #diariespodcast #diariesvideo mitch · Jan 11, 2023 at 11:05 pm i love it! especially the end when you’re spinning around in the chair 😁🔭 your singing voice sounds very different from your speaking voice. if you didn’t tell me i might not have guessed it was you $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 11, 2023 at 11:07 pm I think that’s why it’s so hard for me to hear my singing voice played back to me. It sounds like a completely different person. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; mitch · Jan 11, 2023 at 11:08 pm i agree, but i don’t think it sounds bad at all $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 11, 2023 at 11:08 pm Thanks $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Jan 13, 2023 at 12:13 am Love the viddy. washed out color looks cool $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Hater McGhray · Jan 13, 2023 at 3:31 pm It’s great! I love it, great guitar riff. Very catchy And of course I love your weirdo freaky video $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 14, 2023 at 9:14 am Thanks! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jul 25, 2018 · podcast: Jul 15, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180725 - In this icecapade parade (or life became balanced) Video (MP4): 20180725 - In this icecapade parade (or life became balanced) Wherein fate is for people who have given up, part 3 of 3. I’m going to jump right in because this story is already long enough in my head. And it’s taken far too long to write. I’ve grown weary of fate and all that it doesn’t have to offer. I’m ready for closure. So there’s this lady I kinda work with, helping with a project of hers. I get the feeling she got a few dysfunctional nuances about her. Most likely some anger management issues stoked by a little low self-esteem. My heart goes out to her every now and then, when I see her socially wobbling. My own self-esteem has been a struggle for more of my life than I’d like to admit. So sometimes I want to give her a shoulder to lean on until she can find her balance. Watching people wrestle with and within themselves is heartbreaking. But. When she turns and looks directly at me inflamed, raises her voice, then all bets are off and I stop caring if she’s a suffering human being. She kinda likes to fight. There’s an overly aggressive drive in her of sorts. One of her nuances. And when we argue it’s paramount that she wins. And that everybody knows she’s right. All along. Even if all evidence and witnesses are saying that she’s wrong. I’m not interested in being right in the here and now. Or fighting. And she seems to need to do both. But fighting to be right is a fight no one will ever win. Everyone goes away a loser. I cover up and brace for impact most days. What else am I to do when she comes charging in, other than take a defensive stance, preparing to fend off her oncoming assault? The answer is to pray, of course, to stay plugged into the cosmos so I’m walking a spiritual path before getting into the boxing ring. Pray beforehand for guidance rather than praying afterward for help. Prevent rather than correct kinda thing. But it’s like, fuck I don’t want to have to do spiritual pushups each and every time prior to seeing this lady. I don’t ask the cosmos for guidance before I hang out with Sara or Maggie. When I’m with them everything just is. There’s no drama or stress. We hold hands out of love. We don’t take jabs at each other because the greater good of our relationship is more overall important than any one person. That’s how you both win. Okay, so this is the point in the show where things get more specific. Up until now I’ve just been setting the stage for you avid readers. Over the past few months she started taking a keen interest in my daily well being. Hourly well being as it came to be. Between 9 and 10 AM she would send me a message and ask me how I was doing. And then I would say something like, “I’m doing good, working on your project.” I always tried to be professional and polite but I’m not going to engage more than superficially with someone whose goal is to be right. Fuck that. And then she got in the habit of sending me another message, around maybe 11:30 AM. Again, she would ask me how I was doing and I would respond that I was doing good. In my head I would say, “I’m doing just as good as when you asked me an hour ago.” But wait, peeps! There’s more. She started messaging me in the afternoon, too. I shit you not, this happened almost every workday. Three to four, “How you doing? How’s it going? All good?” type of messages. It didn’t really even feel like she wanted to know how I was doing. Sometimes it felt like she thought she was being cool, doing finger guns, master of the universe shit. Maybe she didn’t have anything better to do. Maybe it felt good for her to ask caring questions, take an interest in another human being because up until then she never really had. Humans are complex creatures and our relationships with them can take place on many levels. It’s not always this factor that’s coming into play. Or that factor. Sometimes it’s a combination of both. Sometimes it’s a third factor. Pour in a quart of passive-aggressive and you have a milkshake most people don’t wanna talk to. I don’t know her ingredients, well her propellant exactly. Why she kept bugging me because I’m sure it was obvious by now that it was getting on my nerves. All of them. Even the baby nerves just born were shouting, “Oh hell no. Not this drivel again.” It got to the point where I wouldn't even respond to most of her messages. I would answer the first one of the day but then ignore any that came after that. At work I don’t transplant hearts or build rockets but what I do does take brain power. And then every time she would message me it’d interrupt what I was doing, totally break my train of thought. Think of it like a mechanic under a car with someone routinely coming in the garage asking silly questions. Sooner or later the mechanic is gonna roll out from under the car and say, “I’m fucking working here, you dumbass.” And I’m a big boy at work. I’ve been doing my job for a long time and if I need help or have questions, I ask. My ego is pretty much non-existent in the workplace. I’ve mostly learned my lessons and what happens when said ego gets too big. I just want to do a good job at work and then go home. One morning I counted how many times she messaged me how I was doing. Three times that particular day. Before 10 AM. Jesus Christ Almighty. This is when, in this icecapade parade, I quit even acknowledging that she sent any of them. Where’s my socket wrench? I’m gonna smack somebody upside the head. And you guys know my go-to for people who get on my nerves. I write them off. Somewhere in this story I was bitching to Sara about all of this and she said maybe she’s worried, because I was being short with her, and that’s why she kept asking how I was doing. And then I thought, “Good. She should be worried because she’s really pissing me off.” And yeah, I did write her off a long time ago. It was easy and called for. Totally appropriate as far as I could tell. Monkey throwing poop at you, you best move along. Because they’re gonna keep lobbing their shit. However, working with someone every day, even remotely, that you’ve written off is an exercise in agony. I don’t like shutting down. I don’t like being cut off from the sunlight and that’s how I feel when I build walls to keep people out. Loving you critters and having you love me is what makes the world go ‘round. Anyways, there’s all the fruity spiritual stuff and then there’s real life. In any corporate world there’ll be bitches clawing their way to the top. And sometimes scratching you in the face because their childhoods sucked. Because they’ve never dealt with why they have that low self-esteem. Sometimes I get the feeling some people don’t even know that they do. It’s kinda like when the woman on NPR said, “I never knew I had anxiety. I just knew I needed another cigarette.” I settled into the fact, that this endless stream of comms, and the ring fights to be right are just how it’s going to be with this lady. A spinning airlock door I wasn’t going to get out of until our paths led us far and away from each other. Because people don’t change and my spiritual skills only have so much mileage. My patience for morons is only so high. And then I’d been thinking about fate way too much this past summer. Because it’s been in the back of my mind and under my skin since forever. Sometimes it feels like I’m doomed. Sometimes it’s easier to just give in and give up to the melancholy than to keep disobeying gravity and fighting fights with people I’ll never win either. So I prayed and put this big ball of bullshit into the cosmos’ hands. And then I didn’t feel any better. Nothing changed. The “how you doing” messages kept coming. And we still kept boxing. I’m not a big fan of how I’ve felt throughout this whole story. Dysfunction was normal for the better part of my life and since I started looking for fruity enlightenment, bad behaviors don’t feel right any more. They feel yucky. I don’t like being at odds with people. Because I think too much, I was thinking one night that maybe Sara was right. Because she’s way more compassionate than I am. Compassion in her DNA. So maybe that low self-esteem underneath was what was triggering that lady’s barrage of “all good?” messages. It’s obviously what’s behind her need to be right. People who’re okay with themselves don’t need to prove anything to anybody. And then I was reading something that Pema wrote in her book[1]When Things Fall Apart ... Compassionate action is a practice, one of the most advanced. There’s nothing more advanced than relating with others. So maybe the message lady was anxious by my lack of acknowledgement, by my lack of participation in she and I’s conversations. If someone was all but ignoring me I’d probably be worried that I’d done something that hurt them. And without self-analysis it’s easy to fall into the trap of never looking at what I myself am doing. The real story here isn’t about the lady though. Or our fights. Or even our messages. It’s about me. I kinda sorta believe that we sit in the same grade until we’re ready to move onto the next one. And that can suck when we feel like we’re repeating the same lesson over and over again. It’s pretty easy for me to shut down and run away. Never legitimately learn from whatever assignment is on my desk. But then I never grow. I’m stuck eating the same leaves, day in and day out. So I needed to do something about and in my dealings with this lady. Just for me. Regardless of what else happened. Sara also said that the lady and I were caught in a “dysfunctional, infinite loop.” When it becomes all too evident that my self-defeating patterns are running the show, I can’t live with them anymore. Because I don’t like feeling stuck. Knowing that I am stuck. I want to be a bigger person, be a better man than I was a year ago. Be bigger than the guy who was treading water in useless swimming metaphors. And then I was thinking a thought that wasn’t my own. One of those thoughts that wasn’t my idea, one that doesn’t come to me by default ... People deserve your full attention. I’d wrote about that topic not long ago but only in reference to people I care about. It had nothing to do with, nor had I any intention of applying that to people I’d written off. So then the next morning when the first “how you doing” message popped up, I concentrated 100% on the conversation. I stopped multitasking, shut off the headphone music, and even turned away from my desk so as not to be distracted. I didn’t do anything but directly engage in the conversation, focused solely on what she was saying. It can be difficult for me to do the opposite of what I’m accustomed to doing, even more so when other people are behaving badly. But I did it anyway. I took a step in the right direction and let the god within take me where I needed to go spiritually. I acted like I cared about her and her feelings. Because she was human. A whole human being. I tried to be as loving and accepting with her as I am with my friends. At first she seemed a little wary, a little unsure about getting my full participation but within a few minutes she was completely gung-ho to be gabbing. It felt like both of us came out of that spinning airlock. Life became balanced. The wheels were no longer in motion and the runaway train stopped and let us both off. People want to feel a part of. They want to feel accepted, that they count. Looking past their shortcomings isn’t always easy but it is possible when I do some real soul searching and look at the world from a cosmic perspective. Get out of the minute details and look at life from afar. Stop using my magnifying glass to scrutinize someone else’s most annoying traits. When our morning message conversation was over, I felt better and I hope that she left the conversation feeling good about it, too. I think she did as she lightened up on sending as many messages from then on. Maybe my attitude change had a positive impact on her attitude. It doesn’t matter, though, because I felt good about me. I can talk spiritual truths all day long but when I live the change I want to see in the world I get to stand in the sunlight once again. The loop no longer exists. I can move around in life and not live behind the walls I’m too good at building. Because when I build walls they keep everything out, not just the certain someones I’m not getting along with. Every now and then I’ll still get more “how you doing” messages than I’d like and I can still get pretty frustrated with her. On my worst days I’ll again flat out ignore her and her bullshit for sure. On my best days I’m confident in who I am and what I believe and engaging in the fight provides little interest and little value. Confidence is a bonus point from humility. It lets us walk with our heads held high. It lets us move forward because everything we do will be okay no matter what. And when I do feel like I’m entering that dysfunctional loop, mostly it’s plain as day and that awareness makes it easier to take a step back. Do I really wanna get in that ring again? Not really. The cosmos will heal us, teach us when we’re ready and receptive. At the end of the day do you know what I really hate? Being full of loathing. Look toward the future and assume it’ll be dreadful. “Hate” because when one’s heart has been touched by love, the doom and gloom from yesterday sit in piss unappealing. Fate is for people who have given up. After living with a predetermined future for this long and having concrete examples to the contrary, I can say that I no longer see it as valid cosmic force. I have plenty of my own real life evidence that says the opposite. Personal experience is always what changes my mind. And really, I’ve found the future to be mostly irrelevant. We live in this very second and what we do this very moment is all that matters. That’s where the change takes place. That’s where miracles happen. That’s where we decide how our lives will be today. The cosmic now. If we do our best work in the here and now then when we look back, our memories will be wonderful. #fatedebate #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Sara got me that book because her heart is that big. ↑ Momma J · Jul 25, 2018 at 4:44 pm WOW $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jul 25, 2018 at 5:12 pm I’m assuming that’s a good “wow” 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Momma J · Jul 25, 2018 at 5:50 pm YES! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jul 25, 2018 at 9:11 pm Good 🤩 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Shawneemicks · Jan 16, 2019 at 11:05 am Awesome insights my man $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 16, 2019 at 9:06 pm Thank you! It was a long fought battle that mostly turned out okay in the end. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! 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content: Jul 12, 2018 · podcast: Jul 13, 2021 Video (MP4): 20180712 - Treading water (or unfasten your seatbelts) Audio (MP3): 20180712 - Treading water (or unfasten your seatbelts) Wherein fate has limits, part 2 of 3. Toward the end of my drinking it was like treading water. Never going anywhere, not having any fun, just struggling to do the bare minimum to stay afloat. A soggy, pathetic, emotional mess. I was well past my reckless youth, going out and getting into trouble, wrecking cars, being thrown in jail. Well past the padded room I chased an orderly out of with a safety pin. It was just me, the liquor, and myself. Paddling in a sea of cold air in a dark, damp basement. I’m going to mix and match reality and imagination. Analogies and metaphors. Because that’s what you do when you’re me. So to continue with the useless swimming metaphor, I would watch people up on the beach barbecuing, playing frisbee, soaking up sun rays. My family was there, too. And there I was, what felt like miles away, growing physically tired of the repetitive stokes. And miserably alone. Really though, everybody was only a few feet away, just up and around the stairs. A few years ago I used this same metaphor but in that story there was an anchor and a chain weighing me down. In the years since first writing of it I’ve change my mind. That rusty chain implied an external force that had me moored. But that’s not true. It was only me and my inner turmoil that kept me treading water on the futon. Every now and then my ex-wife would tell me that I needed to come in from the water, be with them up on the beach. Sit with them. But I never listened. I couldn’t hear what she was saying over the water and my splashing. It was all too loud. It was all but impossible to listen. I couldn’t focus when I was drunk. My head sunburnt with hellfire hangovers. My eyes closed after my favorite sunglasses were washed away. I would often think to myself, this is it. I’m not gonna die from exploding diving tanks in a fiery crash. I’m just going to be stuck here treading water, corroding over the decades. Because I can swim against the tides all I want but there’s no escape from the thrashing whirlpool, the sticky tarpit of fate. And then maybe one day when I don’t have any strength left I’d just slip away. Lethally injected with alcoholic strychnine. In yet another metaphor. Poor me. Anyways, one day in between waves (or days depending on your makeup) I’m spying my family up on the beach and then she starts packing up the car. I cried out in panicked silence as my insides unfroze. “Holy shit she’s really gonna leave. She’s not playing around this time. The trunk is open and she’s actually putting the picnic basket and shit in there.” And then I freaked. Swam to shore like a true Olympian. Like a flock of sharks were nipping at my toes. Whatever cosmic harpoon that had me tethered to myself had finally been cut. When I reached the sand and the shore and the safety of solid ground, dear lord, the panic didn’t stop. It multiplied. In color. I hadn’t done the whole sober living thing since 152nd Street. And I sucked at it. So I ran up and down the beach like my hair was on fire in a full blown, year-plus-long panic attack. Being out of the water and on my feet was messy. My eyes needed to adjust, my fingers needed to dry out. I needed to catch my breath. And then I got a new futon. Because the old one had been torpedoed to death. With bullshit. So I guess my point to this story is that when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, we will swim for our lives. Fate be damned. #alcoholism #fatedebate #diariespodcast Momma J · Jul 12, 2018 at 2:13 pm So glad you made the choice to swim $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jul 12, 2018 at 2:31 pm Me, too! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Sammons · Jul 13, 2018 at 12:39 am Me too! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jul 8, 2018 · podcast: Jul 8, 2021 Video (MP4): 20180708 - You cannot unbutton this jacket Audio (MP3): 20180708 - You cannot unbutton this jacket Wherein fate is a miserable state, part 1 of 3. Rivers want to roll downhill. You can put a dam up and stop their flow but their destination won’t change. They all dump into the sea. And eventually your dam will give out and then you or somebody else will build another dam but yet, still the river flows downhill. With all man’s technological marvel, water is what it is. That’s abstract and non-personal but also a good pre-game show. Because then there was that one time we were leaving a neighborhood Christmas party. As I’m walking down the sidewalk with family in tow, I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I saw it coming like a slow motion horror flick. Time slowed to a near stand still and the whole audience screamed, “don’t go down there!!” But then I kept going toward certain doom anyway and gravity did its thing. There’s nothing you can do about gravity. It’s the Terminator that can’t be talked to or reasoned with. It will always be there. Pulling you down. Because that’s what it does. Gravity has only one job and it never fails. It never quits. Even though I tried to be as careful as I could I still went crashing down on the frozen, slippery sidewalk. In front of the everybody. Just as they all knew I would. I felt as if everybody but me expected me to fall. Because I had it coming. It was in my cards. That’s how I see fate. A piece of shit gravitational, cosmic force and it’s coming for you. It won’t let you down and does exactly what it’s supposed to do. Good luck cheating it. Because you won’t. Nobody can. Fate’s never been anything good to me. Never thought of fate as having a positive outcome. Maybe that’s my true nature of pessimism shining through regardless of how many pictures of sunsets and flowers I take. Underneath the cosmic candy coating is a thread, not vindictive, but menancing inevitable. A distant dead end terminal that's only getting closer. And then I’m riding the runaway train. That’s going to derail when it smashes into the concrete wall of fate. And I’m the engineer who can’t do anything but watch in horror. Feel the momentum and the chugging that keeps me off balance as I’m unwillingly whisked away to the last stop. I can only know that the crash is coming. It’s for certain. It’s just fate. There’s no getting off and there’s no stopping the wheels. They’ve always been in motion. The engine’s supercharged and the brakes are out. Fate’s seatbelts are fastened and I can struggle all I like but too bad, I’m stuck in this seat. Along the same lines, the calendar says biblical armageddon up ahead, around the bend. And there ain’t shit anybody can do. History’s already been written and the words read rapture. And I’ve never been good with religion. So I’m fucked. I’ve never measured up anyway and according to fate, I never will. It’s already been decided. The scripture’s ink is dry and red. One cannot unwrite or undo fate. There’s no redos and you only get one shot. Plus you didn’t even draw the arrow or take the aim. Just like time, fate wants to happen. In the sci-fi shows I watch where the characters time travel they generally have this as a central and understood theme: changing the course of history is all for naught. Because even if they do something different, events happen anyway. The end result is still now and will always be the same. And if possibly, on the off chance, someone does alter the timeline to cheat and beat fate then the cosmos is pissed and things far worse unfold. Nice try. But no. My interest in time travel, physics, and the like is not because I want to unlock the mysteries of the universe, but because I want to unlock the door, disengage the bolt that holds my fate in place. To feel confident that one day I’ll walk past the ice without falling. Unfortunately what I feel[1] now is that I can struggle all I want, swim against the tides but there’s no escape from the thrashing whirlpool, the sticky tarpit of fate. I’m stuck with this black and bleak outcome forever. What I want long term is irrelevant. Fate is unavoidable. It’s determined. Of course when I rewind to the Christmas icecapade it’s true that I’d been alcoholic drinking in the hours before I fell. But how many alcoholics are doomed, feel doomed to their intoxicated fate? I doubt if it’s their idea. No alcoholic ever said, “I’d like to spend my life in isolation and despair, hurt all the people I ever loved and cared about. Give up my sense of humanity and devo to an incoherent mess, too drunk to even wonder what went wrong but burdened with emotional suffering and a liquor that keeps flowing like a feast, a celebration to the gods." The last six months or so that I was drinking, well that’s just the way it was going to be. That it had to be. And there was zero I could do about it. Chained to a stupor on the futon, watching black-and-white movies where the monsters were just off screen and coming for you. The shot focusing on the terror building in the B-movie bystanders as the monsters off camera were moving closer. And closer. And closer. Fate’s a death sentence and nobody wants to die. But you have to. Fate is seriously a haunted undertone and undertow my whole life. The current insists without compromise that you will go where it wants you to go. Even if you drown. Fate’s food coloring that’s stained my soul despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise. And karma’s got nothing on fate either because, even if you’re good, you’ll still crash your bike. Because that’s what was meant to happen all along. Because fate overrules destiny. We’re all just peons squeaking protests over in the corner of our garage. Don’t take this all as my argument in favor of fate. I’m not a big fan of the concept. But this is how I feel when I take an honest look. Since Halloween. Look at the evidence. How many people have you known that went off on a life tangent that didn’t make any sense? That was horribly self-destructive but then they kept going anyway? That was just their fate. Sure, people can be stubborn and human in the things they do but self-preservation seems like it’d win out over all else. But it doesn’t. Seems to me that we’re being forcibly led (dragged) by something much bigger. And for a flock of humans that finality isn’t good. And again, they don’t have a say in the matter. They don’t have a choice. Magnetized to choices they don’t wanna make. But back to Halloween. In the 1978 movie there’s a scene where the main character, Laurie, is day dreaming in high school. Preoccupied with her own thoughts. The teacher is droning on and slowly her voice begins to fade. And then Carpenter’s eerie piano kicks in and Laurie sees the bogeyman outside, standing obvious, behind a car. His time is not now but he wants her to know that it’s coming. And then Laurie is snapped back to class when the teacher tells her to “answer the question.” Laurie quickly obliges with what seems to be an answer she knew all along, with an answer she had physically witnessed a split second before. ...Samuels felt that fate was like a natural element. Like earth, air, fire, and water. Her teachers agrees. That’s right, Samuels definitely personified fate. In Samuels’ writing fate is unmovable, like a mountain. It stands where man passes away. Fate never changes. The end. #allislost #fatedebate #diariespodcast It’s a feeling, not a belief. Intellect tells me I’m being silly with this, but feelings tell me things are real. ↑ Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jul 9, 2018 · podcast: Jul 6, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180709 - Within a 10 block radius So this past weekend I pulled into the gas station to get some supplies. It’s the weekend and it’s sunny so the gas station is plum full of cars. I pull up close to the building in an empty spot. It wasn’t an official parking spot but gas stations are free-for-alls when they’re busy. One guy had even parked right in front of entrance to the gas station so whatever. I go in and get my supplies, wait in line for 10 minutes while Aunt Loretta picks out her Powerball numbers. My favorite thing. Also, before I say anymore, don’t make this about you. Because it’s not. I come back out, get in my truck, and am getting ready to leave when a guy, a big dude, tries to squeeze in between my truck and the gas station. Of course he could’ve easily walked around on the other side but no, he chose to squeeze through the narrow corridor between my truck and the station. There wasn’t even a sidewalk there for crying out loud. Well, there was but nobody could walk on it with the ice machine, firewood, stacks of blue washer fluids taking all the walkway real estate. So I’m sitting there close enough to literally touch him as he shimmies by. About a foot past my driver side window he starts shaking his head in what I can only assume to be judgmental disbelief that I had the ABSOLUTE NERVE to park where I did. Shit like that gets on my nerves like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t do well when people judge me for situations they put themselves in to begin with. Like I’m somehow at fault because he couldn't squeeze his 600 pound life through the two foot gap I left. So then I yell out in all of my spiritual glory, “FUCK YOU” loud enough for anybody within a 10 block radius to hear. He doesn’t turn around but instead continues toward the gas station door. And then I realize that wasn’t another of my finest moments. PS- I want to stress that I see this as something along the lines of me going into the Big and Tall stores and then shaking my head because nothing on the racks is in my size. #socialproblems #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Jul 9, 2018 at 7:44 pm “I’d rather see a sermon…” 😎🤣 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jul 9, 2018 at 10:40 pm “The eye’s a better pupil” $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Jul 9, 2018 at 10:41 pm I’m watching this little kid sing The Black Crowes Hard To Handle. She’s gonna break the internet. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jul 9, 2018 at 10:44 pm Kids’ll do that. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Jul 9, 2018 at 10:44 pm Did you see her? Search 13 y.o. singing Black Croes $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jul 9, 2018 at 10:57 pm This one? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gPHVLxm8U-0 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Jul 9, 2018 at 10:57 pm Yep but a different song. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jun 25, 2018 · podcast: Jun 18, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180625 - Post mortem, Bourdain The thing that I had a hard time wrapping my mind around with Anthony Bourdain's suicide is that I kept thinking he was supposed to be above all of that. I wanted not to be surprised but I really was. I felt let down at first regardless of what I said. I don’t have the kind of heroes or as many of them as I did when I was a teenager but Bourdain may have been the closest thing I had to a celebrity hero as a grown-up. From the time he was a teenager, through his 20s and 30s, on into his 40s and 50s, and then even in his 60s I admired and respected his different phases and who he ended up as a human being. With his death I kept thinking annoyed, “you don’t give up.” When people lose their hope it can sometimes rub off on us. There’s nothing good enough out there to look forward to kinda thing. When the future’s not bright and the struggles of everyday are too much then what’s the point? I never saw Bourdain as wondering what the point was though. Or running out of hope. But then again I only saw what made it into his TV shows. Kinda sucks that real-life heroes are only humans, too. #anthonybourdain #allislost #diariespodcast fleming · Jun 25, 2018 at 10:42 am I loved Bourdain, too, watched him throughout the years, and always thought he had such sad eyes, like he was carrying the weight of the world. After periodically reading he suffered from depression, alcoholism and heroin addiction, this sadness made sense to me. I also read he had relapsed with the heroin and that broke my heart, but I understand when the last vestiges of hope are gone and the pain is so overwhelming, death seems to be the only option for relief. I am so sad he is gone, but will never…as some will say…will never call him a coward or selfish. Imagine the pain he must have suffered to resort to suicide, and feel only loss and sympathy. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; DeeDee · Jun 25, 2018 at 11:15 am I luv him too! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; elongdo · Jun 25, 2018 at 11:51 am He keeps showing up in my dreams but I am not sure what he is there to teach me. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jun 25, 2018 at 4:53 pm Well, my take is that I know you you’re a traveler and I know that you love good food so my guess would be that you’re to write a cookbook. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; elongdo · Jun 27, 2018 at 12:34 am Anthony Hopkins made an appearance last night so I am leaning away from cookbook. #truestory #benadryl $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; elaineorr · Jun 25, 2018 at 11:56 am Maybe what we learn is that when we ask someone how they are they they say, “Having a bad day,” or even “so-so,” we need to ask, “What’s going on with you?” or “How can I help?” $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; prokop · Jun 25, 2018 at 4:44 pm I felt the same. It’s just so sad. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jun 22, 2018 · podcast: Jun 16, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180622 - Unless I'm a celebrity gardener Not long ago I was reading an article wherein the author said that people aren’t going to care about what you’re doing. Like if I plant a wonderful garden people aren’t going to come from miles around to see it. They won’t throw flowers and shower me with attention. Unless I’m a celebrity gardener, nobody will care. How the author believed it did work was like this: if I care about you and your garden then you in turn will care about me and my garden. Of course there’s no black and white rule that you can apply to all people or all situations but I do think there’s a lot to be said for me caring about you and you reciprocating. All the people that subscribe to my magazine, I’ve established relationships with them. Showed a true interest in them as human beings. And not because I want them to subscribe but because I legitimately care about them and their lives. Because people can smell a rat. I don’t want to go off on a ratty tangent but I do know that my life is much bigger, much more meaningful when I get to experience another person’s sorrow and happiness. And as a bonus I get to have people care about me and my pursuits. Humans are special. Valuable creatures. If I want to be treated as such then I better do my part. It’s not always easy to stop and listen to what people are saying when we have plates in the air spinning but what I’ve found is that being there for another’s triumphants becomes so much more fulfilling than experiencing mine own. Okay, I’d like to think myself all that and a bag of chips but I’m not that spiritual. I don’t fully engage all the time with everyone else’s wins. However, when I do life is pretty good. Another's joy will lift up my soul and foster my own creativity. My struggles aren’t that impossible and my plates don’t spin nearly as fast. And if the china falls, whatever. #relationships #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Karly · Jun 22, 2018 at 9:58 am You had me until that last line. Replace “whatever” with primal scream and all out panic….and then I’m back in. Lol $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jun 22, 2018 at 10:18 am That’s funny. I like to use examples like breaking china because they make me uncomfortable with the thought of them actually happening. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jun 13, 2018 · podcast: Jun 10, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180613 - I fucked this up I set up an auto-renew feature on a client’s website not long ago so members could check a box and have their member account renewed each year. It’s a win-win for the client and the member since neither would need to do anything. The client would collect their membership dues and the member would have uninterrupted access to the site. Hurray! However. When the first member selected the option their credit card was charged twice. And then of course it happened to the second member. After each duplicate charge I thoroughly reviewed my code to see what was going wrong and for the life of me I couldn’t figure it out. I was even tempted to just disable the feature and not tell anybody. But that wouldn’t be the right thing to do even if it did solve the problem from my end. I ended up telling the website to send me emails anytime anything happened with the auto-renewals. This morning I got up after only sleeping six or so hours and I saw a handful of emails from the site. Of course the latest member had two charges on their credit card. Again. It’s one thing to screw something up and look like an idiot. It’s something else to look like an idiot and bill a client’s member an extra $125. When I’m tired I don’t have much patience. I’m easily frustrated and it doesn’t take long for me to give up on life. And maybe yell at the cat because she wants her breakfast. But often times giving up is exactly what we’re supposed to do. When we can't see the flowers for the leaves. Let go and stop trying to fix and manage and control things that we’re not suppose to. Let go of the mess we’ve made of things. Being full of imperfection, it’s a given that we’ll screw things up. And it’s totally cool to say “I made a huge mess and I need help cleaning it up.” So then after I was at my wit’s end and I remembered I need to give up in life, I prayed. I asked the cosmos for help and guidance in fixing a huge problem I created. After we let go we’re set free. Free to see things how they really are. Clarity won’t come when I’m frustrated and unhinged. It comes when I have a clear mind and a positive outlook. When I’m anchored to a spiritual rock. I need to find harmony inside and out if I want to move forward when I’m stuck. Society won’t often reward us for admitting defeat or being vulnerable or saying I fucked this up. Especially in the corporate/business world. But when I am those things regardless of my circumstances or environment, I’m rewarded with tranquility and contentment on the cosmic scale. Sometimes I even get a steel blue striped donut. Anyways, here’s the email conversation I had with the client after I went to work and spent less than half an hour on finding and fixing the auto renewals bug. Hi CLIENT, I deeply regret to say that these duplicate charges have been my fault. After reviewing all the code again this morning I see that PayPal lets you set the recurring charge amount and then also an initial charge amount for auto renewals. I had set an initial charge because I misunderstood PayPal’s documentation to mean that would be the first charge. In any account I’ve removed the initial charge amount and I’m really hoping, crossing my fingers it puts this issue to bed once and for all. Again, my most humble apologies for the headaches. Well I am glad to hear you found the solution to the issue. No worries, at least it is taken care of. Thanks, CLIENT PS- Most people won’t argue with you when you admit you’re wrong or made a mistake. They just want to get on with their life, too. PS2- After I wrote this I was looking around work for a photo to go with it. And then I went outside for a few minutes because it's sunny and I like sunny. The cosmos gifted me with the perfect image. Serendipity, peeps. #photos #flowers #advancedsoul #diariespodcast edox · Jun 13, 2018 at 12:52 pm Wish I could like this more then once. Well said. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jun 13, 2018 at 1:03 pm Thanks! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; fleming · Jun 13, 2018 at 1:43 pm Good job! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jun 13, 2018 at 2:01 pm Thanks! At the end of the day I just want to do a good job at work. And have snacks while I’m there. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jun 20, 2018 · podcast: Jun 8, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180620 - Red faced robot So I have this thing that I’ve been doing ever since I was a teenager. It’s not a healthy thing and I’ve struggled to let go of it ever since I stopped drinking. Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it until after I’ve already done it. In the last several weeks I realized just how bad the behavior is. How it takes me out of the moment and distracts me from all that I have and all that's truly important. So I've paying attention in life and seek not to put myself in the situations that prompt my bad behavior in the first place. And I pray for graceful nudges to keep me on the right spiritual path. Me being who I am, it's all too easy for me to wander off on a self-seeking tangent. And I’m proud to say that I’ve done fairly well at not doing it. What is it you may be wondering? That is another very good question but it doesn’t matter. Anyways, what really sparked my attention to this behavior is that I had somebody do the same thing to me recently. After I’d been doing my best not to do it. And it didn’t feel good. It was a real eye-opener of just how bad it can be when you’re on the receiving end. Karma defined if you will. And then in related news, what the real story is, is when Sara told me that she didn’t believe in karma. The notion that karma is false hasn't left since. Maybe karma is dogma, a made up law to keep people in line for fear of cosmic reprisal. And then I thought that Sara's most likely a spiritual revolutionary. Karma keeps me out of the moment, keeps me waiting for yesterday's falling dominoes to finally catch up and knock me down in the present. It feeds my suspicion and keeps me thinking that I don't deserve nice things. Because of the bad things I've done. Karma also gives us a reason "why" and typically that's never important. To our internal struggles. What is important is me being the best me that I can be. In the here and now. #photos #robots #advancedsoul 🤔 #diariespodcast Momma J · Jun 20, 2018 at 10:14 am Please tell us what Behavior you are referring to!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jun 20, 2018 at 10:17 am Irrelevant :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Jun 20, 2018 at 10:18 am It doesn’t matter. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Momma J · Jun 20, 2018 at 10:19 am Not irrelevant to me, your mother! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Momma J · Jun 20, 2018 at 10:20 am Hi Jimi - it matters to me, his mother! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Jun 20, 2018 at 10:28 am Ok. We’re both pretty sure it wasn’t anything monstrous. I doubt he’s capable of anything our imaginations can conjure. I’m on your side, Jeanie. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Hater McGhray · Jun 20, 2018 at 10:31 am What did you do to those dolls? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; heather · Jun 20, 2018 at 2:13 pm I bet it’s picking your nose $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jun 20, 2018 at 5:04 pm Close $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: May 17, 2018 · podcast: Jun 4, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180517 - Route around the struggles I talk about my dentist now and then because he and his staff are part of my life. And I talk about what’s going on that's had some kind of impact on me. Granted, sometimes I talk about shit that doesn’t have an impact but whatever. So anyways awhile back my dentist said he wanted me to use a water flosser to get below the gum line. I brush my teeth and use floss picks because that’s what I do but obviously if he said I should use the Waterpik® then what I do is not enough. Mostly I’m open to other people’s ideas. I’ve learned that I don’t have all the answers so I picked one up on Amazon and then after I got it, I tried it a few times but always ended up making a huge mess. The pick would be spraying all over the mirror, all over the walls. Water would be in my eyes and ears. The cats would be floating by on their inner tubes. I’m not even kidding. It was like I had a firehose in my mouth and all that turned into too much chaos for me to deal with. Right before bed is when I’ve always brushed my teeth and having a waterpark in my bathroom when I’m winding down the day is not something I have the patience for. And then of course every time I go to see my dentist he’d ask me if I’d been using the Waterpik and I’d be like, “well kinda sorta, not really.” A couple of times he’d be kind stern and on my case[1] and that never sits well with me. I seem to have an aversion to people bossing me around. If someone tells me to do something then my standard response is “no, I don’t think so.” And then of course we got cheated in the teeth department. I mean really, sharks get new teeth all the time and here I am stuck with the same teeth I've had since I was 10. That’s bullshit. But sharks are beside the point. The last time I went to see my dentist we had our typical conversation about the Waterpik and I was fully expecting the hand of judgement to come crashing down. But this time was different. He said that he’d personally just made it part of his routine. He wasn’t telling me something that I needed to do but was instead telling me something he had done for himself. And I do better when I hear things phrased like that. I admire and respect my dentist so if that’s what he had done, make it part of his routine, then that’s what I wanted to do, too. I just needed to figure out how. How without my next Amazon purchase being a scuba suit. Here's the real story: when I became open to the idea of change it quietly occurred to me that I could brush my teeth and use the Waterpik firehose earlier in the day. Instead of right before bed when I’m tired and just want to go to sleep. So now I brush my teeth, use my Waterpik, gargle with peroxide mix, and all that razzle-dazzle right when I get home from work. Instead of fighting against something that wasn’t working I found a different way that would work. If I'm frustrated then that’s a sign that I need to "pause, pray, and proceed." Take a step back and solve whatever problem by another means. Even with something as simple as all of this.[2] And then this whole affair became all too easy. It’s part of my daily routine now. Using the Waterpik after work I wasn’t tired and had the patience to figure out how to actually use it without turning my bathroom into a carwash. I still brush my teeth right before bed, too, so now I’m up to brushing 2-3 times a day. I'm practically a dentist myself. I’m pretty grateful that I can be flexible today. That I can let go of the rigidity of this is how I do things because this is how I’ve always done them. Dogma is bullshit. Even more so when I enforce or inflict it upon myself. If I want what I've always had then all I need to do is what I’ve always done. But if I want something more maybe I should try something new. Also, if you need a dentist mine is great. His whole staff is awesome. Well, one of the younger techs is kinda bossy so I don't pay much mind to her. #photos #advancedsoul #dental #diariespodcast As he should be because it’s his job to take care of me when I’m not taking care of myself. ↑ It’s funny that I struggle with the trivial things probably way more than the complex guys. I think that’s because I go into “I don’t wanna deal with this insignificant bullshit. I got other shit to do” mode. ↑ jimi hindrance experience · May 17, 2018 at 10:06 am Dogma is bullshit. May I quote you? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 17, 2018 at 11:17 am Yep. I use your “peace out, death to dogmas” all the time. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tism · May 17, 2018 at 10:07 am I got a thumbs up from my hygienist this week so your story really hits home. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 17, 2018 at 11:19 am It’s a good feeling to get a thumbs up from them guys. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · May 17, 2018 at 10:14 am This belongs on that other page but: I have been to the Dentist with whisky on my breath and the whisky wasn’t the best part of that show. I can’t believe he let me drive home. I’m not a fan of suing someone for over-serving me so I don’t hold a grudge but I also don’t go to that dentist anymore. Life has been…forgiving is an accurate word. So far. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; N.Norton · May 17, 2018 at 11:17 am I was looking for a new dentist and btw that little button on the handle of the water pic stops the flow of water til you release it $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 17, 2018 at 11:20 am Yep, I learned how to man-handle the water pick. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 17, 2018 at 11:20 am https://www.facebook.com/allaboutyoudentalcare/ $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; N.Norton · May 17, 2018 at 1:24 pm That is a hilarious Priceless name for a business $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 17, 2018 at 1:40 pm It’s a keeper $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: May 29, 2018 · podcast: Jun 2, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180529 - Speaking of consequences and desperation Alcoholics can related to this. I’m not sure if others will... But one of the things that made it so easy for me to continue drinking was that I never had any real consequences. I never was in jail for more than a day or so, the bank never threatened to take my house. My jobs were always more than supportive and somehow I still have all my fingers and toes. It’s not that I didn’t think about the consequences. I could think about them all day long, but if it were in my head that I was gonna drink, there was simply no stopping me. I didn’t resist at all. There was no debate, no trying to convince myself it was the wrong thing to do. I never tried to talk myself out of it. All of that internal yammering was too painful and willpower is nonexistent when I’m drinking. It was easier to just give in, give up, quit fighting a fight I’d never win. Even just the “knowing” that I was going to drink gave me instant relief. Like pouring water over an Alka-Seltzer tablet. That immediate, fizzy, bubbly chemical reaction — that’s the uplifting, scientific relief I felt whenever I gave in to alcoholism. A counselor told me once that I should “play the tape all the way through,” meaning that before I started drinking to stop and think about what would happen from start to finish. Erm. That’s not how alcoholics do. We don’t have forethought before drinking or willpower when drinking. Consequences are irrelevant. We only see the next drink and never the dominoes falling down afterward. Seriously, when it comes to drinking my thought process is this: I’m gonna get drunk and I don’t care what happens. My house burns down? Good, now I won’t have to pay the mortgage and will have one less responsibility. That may sound ludicrous but that’s the kind of disconnect I’m talking about here. Yeah, life could taunt me with blackouts, jails, whatever but none of it mattered once the drink was on or even the decision to drink was made. I was at peace and nothing could touch me. ... And then there was that one time I walked into the liquor store door. Like I walked up to and in to the door. And then bounced backward off the glass because it was the exit and it automatically opened for people leaving. I’d like to say that it was a simple mistake but really I was pretty much lit from head to toe. The whole door wobbled and complained during our encounter. I’d also like to say that I was filled with shame but any embarrassment was muffled by my drunkenness. Because drunkenness is like a wet blanket over the fire, a soggy forcefield that keeps the inferno of reality from being real. So after solving the automatic door riddle and making it inside, two cashiers and a customer were staring at me with slight alarm. I ignored their stares and made straight for my aisle, as fast as I could while maintaining my composure and balance. Only momentum kept me walking in a semi-straight line. And then back at the checkout aisle one cashier was still around. He was an older, taller guy wearing concern on his face. Like he wanted to say something, to ask me if I was okay because I obviously wasn’t. I wasn’t fit to be walking let alone driving. But he didn’t say anything. I’m sure it was because working in a liquor store he’d seen the likes of my kind before and learned the last thing you wanna do is confront an alcoholic when they’re drunk and after more. That’s like poking a bear after his honey. I don’t remember what I bought from the liquor store that day, only that I made an ass out of myself and was too drunk to know it at the time. Anyways, see: no consequences. I have a grab bag full of stories just like this where there weren’t any consequences for my actions. Almost always nothing happened other than I got drunk. I was rarely even scolded. ... But wait. There were consequences even if I didn’t think about them. Even if alcoholism kept me out of touch with them. There was the perpetual guilt so harsh that I would cringe, close my eyes, and hang my head. Soaked in regret for the constant humiliation I handed out to my ex-wife and then following it up with gift-wrapped sorries and promises that I’d do better. I tried to be a good person when I was sober, had all the right morals and so on, but drinking drowned them all. Suffocated every shred of decency. I’d be doing and saying things I would never do sober. After five or so drinks I would be uncontrollably careless. I’m an alcoholic so I’d have twice that and then the real fun would start. I’d say things to people that I didn’t mean, completely smashed, flirting with other women, right in front of my ex-wife. Passing out at a friend’s party at 8pm because my party had started at 8am. Then I’d wake up plumb full of shame, anxiety through the roof. Should I say something to that dude? Do I owe that girl an apology? Most of the time I wouldn’t say anything at all with the hope that they’d just forget. But you commit enough crimes and people stop forgetting, shit stops blowing over. People start looking at you differently. And then I’d start drinking all over again as soon as I could and it was like magic. All the guilt and shame would be washed down the drain like dirty bathwater. Alcoholics have mastered tuning out the guilt when we’re turning the drunk dial to 11. … I drank to get drunk from the time I was 15. The last few years I did try really, really hard, though, to keep myself in check, to keep myself from doing stupid shit. But that never happened. I’d stumble around the house, fall into shit, make jokes that weren’t funny. I absolutely hated feeling embarrassed the next morning. All I wanted was to drink, feel that drunken serenity and not make an ass of myself. Lubricated but not falling over if you will. That’s not something I can do though. My drinking always led me to a black hole I couldn’t pull myself out of. And there was that piper to be paid. I read something years ago about civilizations that’s always stuck with me, or it might’ve been on a documentary on TV or whatever.[1] It was about one of those cities that set up shop at the base of a volcano. And of course the volcano blew its top because that’s what volcanos do. People were running around with their asses on fire and all that shit. But guess what? That’s exactly what the civilization needed, a major catastrophe to make them change. It took a volcano spewing lava all over their whole damn city before they decided to move. … It wasn’t until my ex-wife said that I’d “taken it too far last Christmas” on a Sunday afternoon that I experienced my own desperation, that smashed my cherry, fizzy glass of Alka-Seltzer into a thousand shards. She didn’t say anything more than that but that was enough. She had been on her phone with someone else and I saw a look detachment from her that I’d never seen before. A broken heart set free. She had let go and moved on. The panic and fear overtook me that afternoon. I was sure that she was going to leave with Maggie, that she had found someone else, that she’d never come back from that day emotionally. The terror was endless, the horrifying possibilities and outcomes laid out before my eyes rattled me to the core. Shook my bones and instilled a fear of rejection in me that I hadn’t felt for a long time. What I felt in one word was despair. Tony calls it the “gift of desperation.” … There’s times when we see things off in the distance and they don’t mean much. We don’t pay much attention to them. Because they’re way, way over there. And then there’s other times when things are right in front of us and everything is all too real. We take those times seriously. There comes a time when we, as alcoholics, know it’s time to stop. We turn a corner and everything changes. The desperation moves us along. I played dangerous games, took incredible risks and lost. The consequences caught up to me. People went away and then I was sitting on the floor in an empty bedroom a couple of weeks past Valentine’s Day. Sitting with nothing but my own thoughts and cat hair tumbleweeds. Maybe it’s obvious now that nothing, I mean nothing could plug my jug other than desperation. I’d fritter about and be sober for a day or two, a week here and there. But for longer spells, I really needed to be punched hard in the soul. I needed to wreck my car and not be able to drive away. Well, that never really happened. I always totaled the cars but you get my point. I had to be filled with desperation from head to toe to fundamentally change, to get to that “soul shift” point. Where I didn’t want to drink any more because the pain of staying the same was greater than the pain of change. As it goes. And then the good news to counter my sad is that if I, as an alcoholic, continued to drink like I did, continued living at the feet of a volcano, when I least expected it the volcano would erupt and my alcohol fantasy land would collapse. … So why did I write all of this since I’m so far removed from it in the here and now? I don’t know. A few paragraphs from this were originally in an email I sent to a friend a few years back and I needed to put it out there to the cosmos. If you’re an alcoholic, struggling with despair, you’re not alone. There's a way out. #alcoholism #diariespodcast Listen in life for spiritual clues. The truth is out there. ↑ Momma J · May 29, 2018 at 3:36 pm Were you ever drunk in front of me? If you were, I didn’t know it! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 29, 2018 at 3:42 pm I doubt it. You’d have known. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; debbie · May 29, 2018 at 4:33 pm Thank you for sharing this. I just sent it to someone who needs help! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 29, 2018 at 4:54 pm Awesome! I wrote it for the people out there in despair. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Cowan · May 29, 2018 at 5:39 pm Very well stated $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 29, 2018 at 6:49 pm Thanks! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · May 29, 2018 at 7:15 pm “€œBecause drunkenness is like a wet blanket over the fire, a soggy forcefield that keeps the inferno of reality from being real.” Beautifully said. Captures that feeling, that state dead on! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jewel · May 29, 2018 at 8:51 pm Alcoholics don’t play the tape through by choice. You quit drinking, so at some point you must have actually decided to stop and think before you took a drink. Good choice!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; domo vitek · May 29, 2018 at 10:08 pm This is so poignant and true. Bullseye! I found myself in every word. Thank you for sharing $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; elaineorr · May 29, 2018 at 10:22 pm Well put. Thanks. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Mitchell · May 29, 2018 at 10:59 pm Very insightful I needed to read that thank you for sharing $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Wilkins · May 29, 2018 at 11:27 pm You have always been an old soul….even when you were young. You had the fortitude and the gift for seeing the outcome of your life if you remained in the direction you were heading. That gift enabled you to make decisions that prevented years of misery…..you never experienced too many bad things from your drinking……”yet”…..when you quit…. I assure you that if you would have kept using for long enough you would have experienced every one of them. I’ve seen people say I came into Alcoholics Anonymous too early, I didn’t suffer enough before I came in I had to go back out and try it again. The big book talks about going out and try and control drinking, it says if you can do it, then go right ahead, cuz you are not one of us. No, definitely not one of us if you can control you’re drinking. I remember an old saying I heard in Alcoholics Anonymous one time. They said I didn’t stop at Alcoholics Anonymous because it was the prettiest house on the street, I stopped because it was the last house on the street. That hit home with me because I tried everything, to be able to continue to drink, as I wanted to prove that it wasn’t the alcohol I had a problem with it was everybody else who was bothering me. You know there’s another saying in Alcoholics Anonymous. At first I took a drink, and then the drink took a drink, and then the drink took me. That’s how I describe my alcoholism. Thank God we don’t have to live that way anymore, is another great saying from alcoholics anonymous that I use quite often. :-) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Botsford · May 30, 2018 at 9:35 am What Kelly & Vanessa said! Well done my friend. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Apr 16, 2018 · podcast: May 27, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180416 - Brushing my teeth while driving I think what annoys me most about driving on Randall Road is that the speed limit is 45 mph but with the sheer amount of daytime traffic and number of stoplights by the Commons, I never get to actually go 45. See, if I can just get around these other cars I can enjoy the Road Warrior speeds as posted by the Illinois Department of Transportation. Or whoever makes up the speed limits. But no, I’m stuck not even going half that. Like when I'm waiting behind the lady in Walgreens on State Street who's fighting with the cashier about which M&M varieties are buy-one, get-one free. No wait, it’s more like when I turned into the pasta aisle at Super Target on the east side of St. Charles to grab a jar of Newman’s Own Marinara but then there’s this dude and his cart blocking ALL THE SAUCES as he tries to pick out which Bertolli to buy. Just get the Tomato & Basil and let people move on with their lives. I can see my favorite red sauce. There on the other side of his cart. It’s almost within my grasp but I just can’t quite get to it. But it’s right there. Just a few feet away. But no, I don’t get to have my non-chunky pasta sauce nor do I get to drive the maximum speed limit on this north-south county highway. Because I can’t have nice things. And yes, lady driving next to me: I am brushing my teeth while driving. I’m on my way to the dentist. #photos #nicethings #trafficnews #randallroad #diariespodcast myrna · Apr 16, 2018 at 7:39 pm You’re a good brusher! 😉 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 16, 2018 at 7:57 pm I do my best 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; klaurindabrey · Apr 16, 2018 at 8:09 pm I do it all the time bro! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 16, 2018 at 9:14 pm Haha! Ok good. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Mar 9, 2018 · podcast: May 25, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180309 - Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FM7MFYoylVs Peeps, here’s your batman-with-his-fists Friday jam. I know I’ve said this before but I absolutely hated songs like this in another life. Jams like this would come on when I was a teenager or in my 20s and I'd turn that shit off. I was pretty dumb and pretty snotty when it came to music. But I guess more than that I’d never felt the magic with another person they were singing in their ballads. My gut reaction was then to always condemn their melodies. Fuck them guys like Coldplay. And then after my first divorce I learned that being alone was my choice. It wasn’t fate or destiny. It was my shitty attitude. So in the here-and-now I know what they’re talking about. I’ve felt something “just like this” and it changed everything. If you never have felt a love song then don’t worry. That feeling’s out there. It may be just around the corner. A person you may or may not know is waiting, is looking for you, too. But first don’t be an all around jerk. Throw away your bullshit and open yourself up to nonfictional fairy tales. There’s a love song with your name on it. Somebody’s holding out for a magical adventure. Just with you. Make sure you’re ready for them. And then hold their hand when you run away together. #musicvideos #thechainsmokers #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Mar 10, 2018 · podcast: May 23, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180310 - Reassuring our fellow humans The scene is a parking lot. An elderly woman is walking up ahead of me as I’m driving. She looks fragile, defenseless, and unsure. She sees my truck and a look of terror comes across her face. While it’s not a monster my Dakota is still 4000 pounds of machine. I slow way down as I go around her. I wave and give her friendly smile. She looks relieved and waves back. She’s still smiling in my rearview mirror as I go around a corner and loose sight of her. Reassuring our fellow humans, even strangers, is one of the best things ever. And it costs nothing. #beagoodperson #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: May 5, 2018 · podcast: May 13, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180505 - You can't dump that there For whatever reason the Chicago Tribune left newspapers on my sidewalk for three days in a row. I like that because reading the paper from start to finish broadens my horizons. I come across articles and the like that I wouldn’t have sought out on my own. Like this particular Dear Abby-ish piece about a couple that was having a fundraiser with the funds coming from a cash bar. Another couple had shown up with their own wine and proceeded to drink out in the yard or something. So then the columnist’s advice was to just bluntly ask them about it. “Daisy and Tom, we found a pile of wine bottles on the lawn near your car, and I think they came from you and your guests. What’s up with that?” The thing I like most about this was the such few words the columnist offered to the person who wrote in. It wasn’t War and Peace, it was two sentences. Here’s what you did that upset me. Why did you do that? When I have something to say to someone about something they’ve done I can get nervous. And when I get nervous I can talk too much. And talking too much dilutes and pollutes what I’m trying to say. Those extra words make the conversation harder than it needs to be. Emotionally tip-toeing around the subject can put me on the defensive with an aggressive person. It can give them the upper hand since the spotlight is on me and my nervousness instead of on them for what they did in the first place. Confrontation isn’t easy for passive people like me. I regularly deal with a guy who’s consistently combative, who’s in it to win. Well, he’s in it to be right. At all costs. Whenever he gets a chance to be “right” he stomps the gas, squeals and smokes his tires, and barrels ahead full throttle. He swerves all over the road with pure emotional adrenaline fueling his words and actions. I’m not a fan of funny cars so I do my best to diffuse those situations with objective facts. Because I don’t care about being right anymore. I care about having great relationships with people. If I’m wrong, so be it. Me saying that I’m wrong let’s me have those phenomenal relationships. Me saying that I’m right when I’m obviously not only makes us both lose. But back to my point. Me calling people out has never been my strong suit. I don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable. I want other people to feel safe and I want to feel safe as well. And then the cosmos goes and puts me in situations that make me uncomfortable, to teach me things I need to learn. And often it seems as if those same lessons come up again and again until I do get comfortable with them. The good news is that when I need to confront someone, I don’t need to minimize or maximize what they've actually done. I just need to be clear, concise, and direct. Just like the columnist suggested. It made me feel good reading her article, too, to be reminded again that this struggle is real for a lot of people and not just me. In related news: when I’m done writing what I try to do is go back and take out all the bullshit, all the fluff[1] that gets in the way of what I’m trying to say. Because I over complicate. I want to talk about this and then I want to talk about that and then there’s this other thing that I want to say. Really though, it’s about condensing what I’m trying to say so people understand. Confrontation is in the same realm. What is it that I need to say? Once I figure that out then all that’s left for me to do is say it. I tell this Microsoft story now and then because it gave me a little spiritual insight. It changed everything. One afternoon I overheard a conversation between a sales guy and his boss. The salesman had had a hard conversation with a customer and it frazzled him. He was still upset when replaying the conversation to his boss. The boss said to him plain and simple, “you need to take the emotion out of it.” Now that’s in the true spirit of detachment. I don’t have to get all emotional about things. I make situations worse when I do. I only need to take a minute to regain my composure. Then simply state the obvious. It doesn’t hurt for me to first say a little prayer either. Tapping into the universe will give me all the strength and courage I need in hard situations. Moving from someone who’s anxious to someone who’s confident has a lot to do with me just getting fundamentally okay. My past can hold me back in the present so letting go of my garbage from yesterday frees me up to be fully present and able today. It frees me up to confront roaring lions and noisy drag racers. But still… I’m only human. So yesterday I got a little cranky with one of my neighbors. There’s a retention pond behind our houses and she’s gotten in the habit of dumping her lawn refuse under one of the retention pond's trees. And then when I look out my back window or am in my backyard, I see a big pile of her yard garbage. I don’t get how people can be so selfish and it pisses me off to no end when that spills over onto me. What is it with these people? It’s always me, me, me. It’s like the other neighbor and her little barking dog. Why does she let him be outside barking all the time? Anyway, yesterday the first neighbor and her wheelbarrow of yard bullshit were headed over to the retention pond. It was the first time I’d literally caught her in the act. When she saw me, she and her wheelbarrow did a 180 back toward her yard. I pointed to the spot she’s been dumping and said borderline belligerently, “you can’t dump that there.” Oops. I came across more aggressive than I would’ve liked. Definitely had some punch in my words. Too many times seeing her trash pile, though, and then I was blurting belligerence before I knew it. And that’s where I went wrong in yesterday’s confrontation. I shouldn’t let emotion build up until it comes spewing out. Most importantly, I should never be an asshole when confronting someone. I need to “take the emotion out of it” first. It’s true that sometimes people need to get a little feeling in their scolding. Seems like it motivates them a smidge more when they know what they’ve done has really gotten on someone’s nerves or hurt their feelings. But still, everybody is human and even though some are selfish, most people are walking around as clueless as me. What I should’ve done (long ago) is simply knocked on her door and said, “Your yard debris belongs in refuse bags and not under that tree. Please don’t dump it there anymore.” Yeah, that looks good on paper but I don’t know if I’m that spiritually advanced. Going to someone’s house is a nice idea and all but most likely something I’ll never do.[2] I’m not that guy. I’ll never be able to bench press 200 pounds either because that’s not the kind of personality that I have. But even if I never get to be the guy who walks up and confronts a neighbor assertively after the fact, just knowing that’s the loving and true way to handle those situations, makes me a bigger person. Just “knowing” even if we’re not capable of always “doing” puts us on the right spiritual path. And I’ve had above average success confronting people when I just make my point in a loving manner. I’m grateful that the people in my life aren’t jerks, don’t mean to be an asshole anymore than I do. Believe it or not the majority of people are receptive to hearing that they’ve made a mistake. And then they feel bad just as I do, just as we’re all supposed to when we screw up. Dropping the ball is all part of being human. It’s how we learn and grow and become better people, become more than who we’ve always been. #relationships #advancedsoul #protip #diariespodcast Originally there were two more paragraphs in this about the funny car guy. It was a tangent that I didn’t need to be off on though so they got the axe. ↑ I put a sign by her refuse pile instead so everybody knows that it's not a dump. ↑ jimi hindrance experience · May 6, 2018 at 9:40 am Obi moments. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 6, 2018 at 10:20 am The Force will be with you. Always. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Mitchell · May 6, 2018 at 3:46 pm That was really insightful I needed read that $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 6, 2018 at 4:02 pm Glad you liked it! It’s been a struggle my whole life $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Mitchell · May 6, 2018 at 6:23 pm I actually have the same issue myself reading this I thought you were describing my life $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: May 3, 2018 · podcast: May 11, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180503 - Karma doesn't torture us While I was sitting with my nicotine withdrawal earlier, I was saying my morning prayers, asking god to take my nicotine addiction away, take all the pain and discomfort. And then I started to get crabby because these withdrawals have been going on for well over a month. Fucking Greg. And then I kind of scolded myself, “God’s got nothing to do with this.” My nicotine withdrawal is the consequence of decades of smoking. My smoking. No amount of praying is going to take that physical pain away. Sure, the cosmos can give us everything we need to make it through our struggles but we still have to deal with any bullshit that we've created. And then I think, “haven’t I suffered with this enough?” And then I think again, “no, karma is fair and balanced.” Karma doesn’t torture us. We do. Sometimes I think that I struggle more than I should, though. I can and do make life harder than it needs to be. I'm just not good at it. I know how to make crazy. Because it's my go to. And then I was thinking of what Scott Peck wrote in the late 70s: Life is difficult. Nothing else stood out in The Road Less Traveled more to me than that. Not that I’m on the same cosmic level as him but I think it would’ve been more appropriate to say that “life is balanced.” He may have wrote that, too, but I don’t remember. Sure, life is hard and full of struggles but it’s absolutely magnificent, too. Just living can be frustrating, disappointing, aggravating but it’s also fulfilling, magical, and surreally spectacular. So what to do when I’m annoyed with myself and the mess I’ve made? When there’s nothing left for me to do on my end? I stop thinking about me and my horrors and look around to see what else is going on. What’s good happening in the cosmos? Because even when the sky is gray and the air rainy, the world is beautifully overflowing with sweet Jesus goodness. It’s got flowers and everything. #photos #flowers #advancedsoul #diariespodcast fiatlux423 · May 3, 2018 at 10:38 am “Fucking Greg” is the new “Thanks Obama.” $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 3, 2018 at 10:39 am Yep. I even say it when I’m by myself. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Hater McGhray · May 3, 2018 at 11:07 am Haha yep! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 3, 2018 at 3:23 pm It’s got a nice ring to it $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · May 3, 2018 at 5:53 pm Who’s Greg? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 3, 2018 at 6:20 pm Who is Greg you might ask? That is a very good question. Greg is Norwegian. A simple man with locks of gold and a mustache to match. Muscles toned and tanned to a reddish brown. The women adore him and his fanny pack of Caesar spiced croutons. His wit is quick and his axe is sharp yet his heart is as pure as the Newfoundland snow. He often can be seen wearing only but knee-high leather boots, the best Corinthian leather generally saved for the gods. His ranch dressing is spicy but palatable, chivey yet smooth. If you listen closely you might just hear him sing a little ditty about Jack and Diane on a warm summer night. There’ll be a twinkle in his eye and a dab of parmesan on his lip. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · May 3, 2018 at 6:44 pm Greg sounds like a fine man. Where does he hang out? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; fiatlux423 · May 3, 2018 at 6:52 pm Greg may seem like a real cool guy, until you get to know him. He ruins everything. Fucking Greg. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · May 4, 2018 at 2:28 am A dab’ll do ya. Do ya real good. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; debbie · May 3, 2018 at 10:39 am Thanks for sharing!!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 3, 2018 at 10:40 am Yep! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · May 3, 2018 at 5:54 pm Nicely said. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 3, 2018 at 5:55 pm Thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · May 3, 2018 at 6:31 pm I don’t know if this visual will be an encouragement that you are on the right path, but it showed a pretty clear picture to me. https://www.facebook.com/shelley.ann22/posts/10213811608661975 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 3, 2018 at 6:31 pm I can’t watch anymore!!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · May 3, 2018 at 6:43 pm Sorry! I hope that didn’t offend you. I had just never seen it presented so clearly before. On another note, who is missing their healthy lungs??? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 3, 2018 at 7:09 pm Nope, no offense taken. It’s just grizzly 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · May 3, 2018 at 7:09 pm It is awful. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · May 4, 2018 at 2:46 am He’ll wrip your lungs out Jim! —-Warren Zevon $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; JJ · May 3, 2018 at 7:50 pm My exes name is Greg… fucking Greg! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Dan G · May 4, 2018 at 1:18 am We admitted we were powerless over nicotine and that our lives were unmanageable. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Maybe the patch is the pain. God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. 25 years ago I threw my cigarettes in the river and asked God for help. When I felt like smoking I said to myself “but I don’t smoke anymore”. I felt good about giving up smoking because I was powerless. It took almost a week, but it’s been gone ever since then. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · May 4, 2018 at 4:29 pm It’d be nice if it were that easy for everybody $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Apr 27, 2018 · podcast: May 6, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180427 - Miracles are seen in light I fall short in life. That’s not a judgment call or me being hard on myself. It just is. I’m just another guy wandering around aimlessly doing my best…and sometimes doing my least. Struggling to maintain that non-mistake-making state only makes my life harder. Letting that struggle go gave me so much more free time to enjoy life and the company of my fellow humans. Well, I guess I never really expected myself to be perfect but I was pretty good at torturing myself when I did screw up. I wouldn’t let that shit go for whatever reason. Constantly feeling bad about myself is all bullshit, though. I make mistakes and then I feel bad about them for the appropriate amount of time and then I move on. Letting ourselves be human brings our stress levels down. Our bodies will thank us. Our souls will thank us, too, and so will our peeps. People will love being with us when we’re not ruminating over something dumb that happened a week ago. … Okay, so that’s all fine and good. I’ve made peace with all that. Made peace with making mistakes. But the thing is, if I’m intolerant of another person when they come up short, either every day or once in a blue moon, then I’m just an asshole. 😊 #advancedsoul #forgiveness #diariespodcast fleming · Apr 27, 2018 at 9:51 am Again, this hits home….ESPECIALLY the last sentence! Thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 27, 2018 at 10:21 am You are most welcome! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Apr 28, 2018 at 3:07 am Thank you. I don’t always comment but I know you don’t take that personal. Love these affirmations. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 28, 2018 at 1:08 pm Nope, it’s hard for me to take things person these days. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 28, 2018 at 1:09 pm Also, SGC wrote the words in the picture. Maybe 13 or 14 years ago. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; marney0160 · May 5, 2018 at 9:53 am Love it! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Apr 25, 2018 · podcast: May 4, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180425 - We, as parents, make mistakes Maggie had a little scare yesterday. She had gotten off the school bus and was walking the minute walk back to our house down the alley. Some dude was also walking down the alley behind her and that didn’t sit well with her. I generally get home 15 to 20 minutes after she does and it’s not that big of a deal for her to walk home and spend that time by herself. Anyways, after I got back to the house we talk about what happened for a little bit, about the dude, and reviewed all the things you can do in a situation when strangers are following you. Be loud, be visible, make noise, make sure the whole world knows what’s up. It’s the same thing that animals do when they’re nervous and it works pretty well for them. It also sounded like the guy may have just been walking 30 feet or so behind her, just going in the same direction. I’m not trying to minimize the situation but I know for myself when I panic, things aren’t truly what they seem. I got freaked out and freaked myself out several times as a kid when I was in situations very similar to hers. I can still freak myself out now as a grownup. So anyways, here’s the real story. Last night when I was saying good night to her I thought of something else to say around the whole stranger-danger topic. I started talking about it and then immediately thought that it probably wasn’t a good idea at bedtime. I quickly changed the subject and we talked about something else for a few minutes. I was kind of hoping she’d forget about the whole. But people who're more on the nervous side, they don’t forget. This morning before school I said to her, “Last night I brought the dude up again and then realized that I shouldn’t have considering what time it was. I hope that it wasn’t on your mind as you were going to sleep. What is it?” She said that it was for a little bit. I then told her I was sorry and that was the wrong thing for me to do, wrong thing for me to say. She nodded a little bit, absorbing what I’d just said. And then we got on with our day. It’s important for me to be humble, for me to be human, failings and all, as a parent in front of Maggie. It’s okay for our kids to know that we as parents make mistakes. And more importantly, it’s good for them to hear us own it, too. Our kids will model their behavior after ours. Who they become as adults is directly influenced by who we are to them as parents. And lastly, it’s crucial for me to ask direct questions if I’m worried that I’ve made a mistake. Like I asked Maggie if what I said had kept her up the night before. I could’ve just said that I hoped our bedtime talk wasn’t on her mind too much while she was going to sleep and left it at that. But that’s not good enough. I needed to ask her point blank if it was. If I wouldn’t have asked her it would’ve left her alone with her feelings. That those uncomfortable feelings were hers to deal with. I wouldn't have taken full responsibility for my part in causing them. And feelings like those need to be talked about, they need to be acknowledged by the person who was indeed at fault. If I’m not 100% sure if I’ve done something wrong, I need to find out. Because that’s part of owning what I’ve done. I need to take the initiative and shouldn’t wait for somebody to tell me that I've hurt their feelings. Most of the time I’m pretty sure they won’t. #maggie #amendments #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Karly · Apr 25, 2018 at 10:46 am I’m glad she was aware of her surroundings. Also, surrounding area police stations will often hold annual free self defense classes. I know St Charles just had 2 in April and Dekalb has them on occasion. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Karly · Apr 25, 2018 at 10:47 am Correction…i think it was Naperville that just had theirs $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 25, 2018 at 11:14 am That’s not a bad idea. She was in martial arts a few years back but a basic refresher is always a good idea. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; fleming · Apr 25, 2018 at 11:03 am So happy Maggie is safe! We just had an attempted child abduction yesterday morning at a bus stop…kids were smart and ran, but so terrifying! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 25, 2018 at 11:16 am That’s crazy! What the eff is wrong with people? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; fleming · Apr 25, 2018 at 12:15 pm They’re eff’d up!!! Oh…and thank you sooo much for sending me your publications…I thoroughly enjoyed them!!!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 25, 2018 at 1:55 pm You are most welcome! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; landerl · Apr 25, 2018 at 11:42 am Super glad she’s safe. And you are an awesome parent! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 25, 2018 at 11:47 am Thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; marney0160 · Apr 25, 2018 at 12:26 pm Ditto with what Linda said! And Kelly’s idea is a good one. Your advice about being loud and visible is spot on, too! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 25, 2018 at 1:57 pm Thanks!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Momma J · Apr 25, 2018 at 1:32 pm A fine job of parenting! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 25, 2018 at 1:56 pm Why thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Momma J · Apr 25, 2018 at 2:23 pm You’re welcome and well deserved! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jenkins_arts · Apr 25, 2018 at 5:00 pm Self-defense classes. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; debbie · Apr 25, 2018 at 5:50 pm FYI $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; heylinda · Apr 25, 2018 at 8:41 pm Our girls sound similar. Keep reminding her to trust her gut. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; elaineorr · Apr 25, 2018 at 10:11 pm You’re a good daddy. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 26, 2018 at 8:34 am Thank you!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Ryan Waters · Apr 28, 2018 at 1:16 am Smart girl and she’s lucky to have a Dad she trusts and reaches out to! You done good!!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 28, 2018 at 1:04 pm Thank you!! And I believe she does trust me a little. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Apr 20, 2018 · podcast: Apr 30, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180420 - A little dog and wild carrots Let me first say that I’m an animal lover as much as the next Dr. Doolittle. It’s rare that I meet a dog or cat and they don’t end up liking me sooner or later. I think mostly that’s because I don’t care if they like me or not. However, the neighbor’s dog and myself, we don’t get along. He barks at me from his yard every time I’m outside in my yard. Or when I’m walking to or from my garage. Bark, bark, bark. Obviously he’s got the short man complex. I’ve tried making friends with him. I’ve tried explaining to him that I’ve lived here longer than he has and that gives me seniority. And on my very worst days I’ll blow my megaphone at him when he so much as lets out a whimper. So anyways, a little while ago I was out tending my yard and little Napoleon was in his house so all was right with the world. The neighborhood people were also out walking their dogs up and down the alley as they do. And every time they did I heard him barking from inside his house. I was thinking to myself how annoyed I get just even hearing him bark every now and then. Can imagine the horror of actually living with him relentlessly barking all the eff’ing time? I thought so. I could only giggle quietly to myself. In other news, does anybody know what kind of plant these are? Some of the taproots are almost as big as carrots. It looks kinda like a dainty fern and it’s soft as a feather. It’s also decided to take over the world. Well, take over my backyard anyway. Update: they're Queen Anne's Lace. Apparently a couple of summers ago I did, in fact, let them take over the world. #photos #homeimprovement #diariespodcast sveagrabarek · Apr 20, 2018 at 8:48 pm Queen Annes lace. They’re bastards. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 20, 2018 at 8:54 pm Oh yeah! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; sveagrabarek · Apr 20, 2018 at 8:59 pm They’re excellent for anger management. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Lisette · Apr 20, 2018 at 9:30 pm They look like mandrake from the Harry Potter movies $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 20, 2018 at 10:14 pm Apparently a couple of summers ago I did, in fact, let the Queen Anne’s Lace aka wild carrots take over the world. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; angeline35 · Apr 21, 2018 at 10:09 am I don’t have the issue with the Queen Annes Lace, however I do have the issue of the non-stop barking from the neighbor’s dog. It is a small dog that I could quite easily drop kick through the air across the yard and into never never land. ( I would never have such evil thoughts wink wink) Its very frustrating because during the warmer months I spend the majority of my time at home outside working in my backyard. I have done everything from ignoring the animal, attempting to bribe it (I almost got bitten), throwing small sticks to distract it, to messaging the offending neighbor via messenger, Other people in the neighborhood have called the police and reported them. This worked for them because now the dog is no longer allowed in the front yard only the back which is where I hang out. None of these methods work for me and finally one night last week I screamed “SHUT THE FUCK UP” and low and behold the neighbor appeared immediately and brought the offending animal inside. Finally a method that works. I will continue to do this until it doesn’t. Funny thing is she locked the dog in the basement last night where it barked incessantly but at a tolerable level for me. Not so tolerable for her however because I could hear her cussing inside the house. Tee hee motherfucker :) Love you Travy funny how we have similar problems eh :) - AJC $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Apr 13, 2018 · podcast: Apr 28, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180413 - It's all really great news Well over half the conversations I have are all words. Personal and professional. All reading and responding. I want to say there is no voice in them but each author has their own in black and white. It’s still all words though. Nothing verbal. The only emotions are the ones I assign based on how I know the sender. I try hard to read everything personal I get as really great news. At the very least I try not to assume those words sent to me and meant for me are negative. When I get a text or an email I take the words literally unless I know the other person is joking. I’ve said most of that before. Playing games complicates life and I want less complication. Words can be tricky, though. I do my best when I get a suspect message to pause and see the sender as a whole human being. Just take a minute before I get trigger-finger happy with a response. That pause helps defuse any bomb I think I might be holding. Believe it or not I’ve misread and misunderstood words before and then jumped to nasty conclusions and ended up looking like an ass. My point is that I do my best to imagine the sender sending cheery communications and that in turn keeps me on positive path when I reply. ... In somewhat related news, Biz Stone (one of the founders of Twitter) said[1] a few years back that he was “operating under the assumption” that everybody liked him. I enjoyed reading that because for much of my life I assumed that at least half of everyone was out to get me.[2] Treating people as if they liked me and as if I liked them did wonders for my relationships. Watch someone’s face light up when you tell[3] them that you’re excited to see them. After I altered my interactions with people, they in turn started treating me with love and respect. They started being excited to see me as well. And I got to let go of pretty much all of my paranoia. It’s always good for me to remember that “acting as if” can and will fundamentally change who I am. And also that I’m never going to be able to “will” away paranoia and friends. I need to find a positive behavior to practice instead of trying to force myself to give up a negative one. ... And so then what started me writing this correspondence to you guys is this other guy I traded work emails with for years. And because I knew he could be a jerk in person I assumed most of what he wrote to be jerky as well. The communications were an exercise in combat. Mental conflicts that were simply exhausting. I ended up dreading each time I got a notification ding. Now some time has passed and I’ve gotten a little separation and I wonder what our conversations would’ve been like if I just pretended that everything he wrote came from a good place. I’m 99% sure that it didn’t just because I knew how he could be back that, but every now and then I “pontificate” how the dynamics would’ve change if I would’ve simply changed my point of view. Read and responded to everything he sent like we were working toward the same goal. Maybe even that his words were “really great news.” If instead of seeing him as hostile, I just saw him as a person who liked me. If instead of reading his words as angry, I read them as happy. Regardless of his intent. I was hesitant to do that when I had the chance. Even though I think it’s a worthy cause, I also think there’s a damn good chance I’d have just come across as sarcastic or snide. It’s too late for me to have a better relationship with that guy now but it’s not too late for me to interpret every new email or message I get as simply delightful. What if I operate under the assumption that all communications I get are good? 🤔 What if I operate under the assumption that all people are good by default? 🤔 Well, let’s not get too crazy here. #relationships #advancedsoul #diariespodcast theguardian.com/technology/../biz-stone-twitter ↑ Well, that’s not true. It was more that I simply didn’t trust them. ↑ Mean it, too. Don’t just say it. ↑ Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Mar 27, 2018 · podcast: Apr 22, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180327 - A peer in the revolution And then there was that one time when myself and two older friends were drinking and carrying on, using too many drugs, and just driving around out in the country. And then they decided they wanted to rob a house. Being younger I went along with their plans because that’s what I usually did. Everybody I knew, everybody that I got high with in the early 90s was older. Sometimes a lot older. And I went along with them because a- it was generally fun being up to no good and b- I liked that they invited me along. Even if I was always somebody’s little brother. I wanted in, I wanted to be part of the adventure. I wanted to be part of a revolution but there was none around. Being up to no good was as close as I could get in rural Iowa to being a revolutionary. The two I was with that particular night were a couple and I was just along for the ride. Sometimes I would end up in the backseat of somebody’s car and that was totally fine by me. Going anywhere, doing anything, getting high and not being me. When we got to the house, for whatever reason the lady decided to park in the driveway. It didn’t strike me as odd at first since we were out in the middle of nowhere and it was well past midnight. And I was lit. As we sat there in the dark, they immediately started bickering about how we were going to actually break into the house. Basement window? Backdoor? Garage? After we sat there for 10 or 15 minutes the reality of the situation started became all too apparent. There I was manning the backseat of a beatdown car in the driveway of a house we were about to rob while two methheads couldn’t agree on the best way in. I could see this adventure playing out only one way. And it involved me going to jail. Again. But this time it wouldn’t be for something trivial like public intox. Playing it cool, I leaned up and put my arms on their bench seat and said, “this is a bad idea.” They were drug addicts so much more than me, way worse than I ever was. Robbing the house was gonna give them drug money and I certainly didn’t think they’d pay much attention to my meager protest. I was always somebody’s little brother after all. But in the few moments that followed my B&E objection they changed their mind. A glimmer of reasonable moonlight broke through their teeth grinding addiction. And then she started the car. And we then left. As ridiculous as this story is, it’s also one of the few times where I felt like an equal among that group of people. I felt like that my voice not only counted but was it taken seriously and then acted on. I felt like a peer in the revolution. #photos #rebellion #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Mar 13, 2018 · podcast: Apr 20, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180313 - Why are these people standing so close to me? For much of my life I’ve been internally combustible and physically uncomfortable. I felt ill and under and unequipped just being human. Even trying to be human. Too much shit gurgling in my stomach. Never ending mallet beating my heart. Intestines put on backwards and inside out. My thoughts whirling and jerking back and forth by some restless, mechanical bull. I’m melodramatic, I know. But when I found drugs and alcohol as a teenager that fixed me, that calmed the bomb and made life tolerable, comfortable. The whole reason why I drank as much and as hard as I did was because drinking brought me relief. And not only that but it took me to a place of adventure, a place I was fond of, a place without restraints. A feeling inside and out that nothing mattered, nothing could touch me, and I just didn’t give a fuck. If it was sunny outside then that was perfect and if it were raining then that was fucking awesome, too. Of course being alcoholic there always comes a point where the watered down solution becomes a problem in itself. Becomes more of a problem than the anxiety I was trying to do away with. And then when I did stop drinking the pressures of everyday life were back. More painful than ever. I didn’t have many skills to deal with them and oh boy, did the mechanical bull launch full throttle again. The first year and two I was sober I felt the craziest that I ever had my whole life. Like every nerve in my body was exposed, every sight a cause for alarm. Am I going to be able to drive all the way home? I can’t even fucking think straight. And every sound twice as loud. Why is everyone talking through a megaphone? In related news, it feels like there’s been ringing in my ears since I was nine. Freshly sober my anxiety would have me up at 4:30 in the morning, pounding down the coffees. Other times I’d be up well past midnight, smoking cigarette[1] after cigarette. Day and night making my combustion worse by not sleeping and pumping more toxins into my system. In the here-and-now, even well into sobriety, when I’m uncomfortable my go-to reaction is to fix how I feel. Reach for cigarettes that aren’t there. Look for something outside of me to soothe the unrest within. Something, anything to take away the worry, the doubt, the paranoia. Unplug the melodramatic bull. After I got back into 12-step recovery one of the most valuable tools that I learned was the cosmic pause. To take an interlude. To stop. For a moment. To breathe. And also to learn how to feel my feelings, especially the uncomfortable ones. I’m sure I’ve quoted Tony before when he said, “those that make it are the ones who learn how to be uncomfortable.” My last divorce was certainly uncomfortable and plenty difficult for everybody involved. Every time I would get a text message from my ex-wife my heart would race and I felt like I was holding a bomb. My hands would shake as I was pummeled with nervous, dizzy emotion. And it would all happen in an instant. Maybe kinda like a panic attack. :) Then of course I would immediately read/react/reply, and the text messages would explode with overflowing wells of anger. Puke and shit everywhere. It was the same story with my first ex-wife except we’d actually be calling each other all frenzy-like since cell phones weren’t an everyday thing. And then somewhere along the way the cosmos gave me some insight. I didn’t have to respond to someone’s messages[2] right away. I didn’t even have to read them right when my phone popped up an alert. Hell, I didn’t have to read them at all if I didn’t want to. Fucking spiritual revelation. When I get in those kind of tense situations where I’m feeling nervous or unsure I do my best to simply pause. Accept that whatever I’m feeling is how I’m supposed to be feeling at that very moment. And then say a little prayer, sometimes a big one, and ask the cosmos for direction. I breathe out and imagine I’m exhaling the anxiety. Blow it out like the smoke that used to give me so much comfort. On a side note, imagine taking a drag off a cigarette and then never blowing out the smoke. That choking feeling, that suffocation is how I feel when I only hold on to my emotions and don’t process them. Anyways, absolutely not doing anything when I’m in a mess is almost always the right thing to do. I’m not good at reacting under pressure. Even more so when there’s barbed history. I usually make the situation worse if I act on that first impulse. I can easily freak out and go some place emotionally I don’t like being. So I pause and ride my emotional, mechanical bull until it powers down. Afterward the feelings subside, if not pass altogether, and then I’m able to make sound decisions with a clear mind. My solution is always divine. No amount of material things will ever fix me.[3] I need to reconnect with the cosmic spirit if I want peace. By letting the cosmos care for and guide me I don’t have to take on the burden of trying to fix myself, trying to manage my anxiety. Control whatever situation I’m in or even control how I’m feeling. I can just let go and know that the answers will come so long as I allow myself to be a complete human being. With uncomfortable feelings and all. And back to that “holding a bomb” feeling. The funny thing is I know now most of that was pretty much all about me. My gears grinding and circuits working overtime. My heart would beat so fast and there I was the one holding the mallet. Mechanical bull up in my head, glaring eyes of red, snorting steam they said. I can’t speak for my ex-wives or anybody else but it wouldn’t surprise me if both felt just as nervous as I did when they reached out to me. My behaviors and responses were unpredictable. At best. And divorces are messy, too. Emotions high. Feelings hurt. That in itself is reason enough for anybody to slow way the fuck down. Most of my messages in the here-and-now are light and nonchalant. I’m overall calm. I don’t feel the mechanical bull winding up and bashing me around when certain people message me. I do my best to stay consistently plugged into the cosmos and walk that spiritual path. When I am and when I do, I’m not as eager to race ahead and react to fear, perceived or not.[4] If I stay ahead of the anxiety game I’m less likely to lose when it’s time to play. When I’m plugged in nothing can touch me either. I’m on that spiritual journey and get a text message bomb, then it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. Other people can behave badly and I don’t give a fuck. And that feeling of being okay is what I was after the whole time I was drinking. I was trying to get okay. I just made the mistake of using man-made fixes. Physically uncomfortable and internally combustible. Life doesn’t have to be that way. More importantly, life’s not supposed to be like that. I needed a better way to live. My solution has been always divine but there were things that I could certainly do. So when I stopped chugging coffees after 8 pm was when I started closing my eyes and falling asleep come bedtime. When I stopped taking things so damn personal, when I stopped seeing people as threats was when I finally was able to relax and life wasn’t so loud anymore. When I stopped analyzing and scrutinizing every detail and started trusting in the greater good of my fellow humans was when l started building meaningful, long term relationships. When I stopped worrying about getting hurt was when I was finally able to love you guys. When I stopped using quick fixes for the major problems was when I started to heal. And then when I realized that most of what I thought was important in life was irrelevant, when I finally let everything go was when I was finally set free. #anxiety #alcoholism #advancedsoul #diariespodcast “I never knew I had anxiety. I just knew I needed another cigarette.” I don’t know who said that on NPR but I was all like “YES” when I heard it. ↑ Text-based conversation is possibly one of the worst things that has happened to modern communication. It lets people write things that they would never get away with saying to another person face-to-face. ↑ Just to throw this out there, some people need medication. I’m not saying that everybody can get by on a spiritual solution alone. But for me much of my anxiety was driven by how I lived my life. ↑ “...we are our very worst selves in fear. We are the most dangerous to ourselves and to each other.” -Brené Brown ↑ Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Mar 22, 2018 · podcast: Apr 15, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180322 - Memories are what make places feel like home When I was a kid living in a little town in Iowa, our neighborhood, our street, our house they all felt like home to me. I always felt secure, always felt like I belonged. My life was feature complete on that block. I’m sure it was because that house on Allison Avenue in Ottumwa was the only place I’d ever lived, the only home I’d ever known. That street just a single block long was the center of my whole universe. A group of us kids would ride our bikes over to Mowery, maybe around McKinley, always down the Johnson ramp, and across Albia Road to Dairy Queen. Sometimes Pamida instead. If that name doesn’t ring a bell, think department store akin to K-mart. And my mom made dinner every night and when I sat down to eat with her, my dad, and sister nothing was ever missing. The dinner table always felt full. Since then I’ve lived in more places than I can count. Lived on both coasts and in plenty of places in between. The only time I feel that same sense of home I did as a kid is when Maggie and I are out riding our bikes. I don’t know what it is about fixed-gears and neighborhood streets but they ring a bicycle bell with my emotions. I’m taken back to Allison, taken back to something much more than simple deja-vu. It sounds corny but it feels as if my spirit transcends space and time and part of me is there on the avenue again. And yes, I absolutely feel a sense of family when Maggie and I are eating dinner but then again something is always missing. I feel a separation, a loss. I feel incomplete. Because my mom, dad, and sister aren’t there. On Allison we always ate in the kitchen because we didn’t have a dining room. Maggie and I have a dining room now but we always eat in the kitchen. Because kitchens feel more like home. I wonder if my mom felt the same way, missing her mom and dad, longing for her brothers when she was making us dinner in Ottumwa. Remembering the times around her kitchen table with her childhood family out on the farm just south of town. I wonder if I feel like my dad did when he was making dinner for Angie and I. When we were a little bit older and the three of us lived together on Casper. And I also wonder if Maggie will feel the same after she grows up, when she’s making dinner for her kids. Remember that one year she and I watched every episode of Lost while we ate the dinner I made for us. “You can’t go home” the book title famously says. I’ve driven down Allison Avenue a few times as an adult, wanting to revisit the old neighborhood and all. I was hoping to feel something each time I went, recapture a little childhood magic but I only felt a distant connection to a fading past. And what's more, I felt out of place. That neighborhood isn’t mine anymore. My memories from the 70s are so much more powerful than actually being there. Part of me wishes I could go back but I’d have to time travel I suppose. [...school night interlude, including showers and homework...] I had a minor revelation after getting my earlier thoughts out in the open and letting them simmer for a bit. I almost always write to process something and what I’ve found tonight is that memories are what make places feel like home. Maggie learned to ride her bike behind our garage in the alley. We were out there for a couple of hours and she was so close. So close, so many times but it just wasn’t happening. She was wearing down and I wanted her to keep trying. She and I both knew she almost had it. There’ll be a certain electricity when you’re on the verge of becoming more than what you have been. When you’re on the verge of flying to greater heights. And then she got enough momentum. She let go and trusted her body. She found her balance. And then she was off riding two wheels by herself. Fixed-gear bike, too. Because they’re bad ass. Mom and I in the Allison kitchen, July 1978. Coors all the way. Me with my bike in front of the Allison house, June 1980. Fixed-gear and banana seat. Yeah man. #photos #mommaj #bikes #diariespodcast Irene · Mar 23, 2019 at 8:37 am What a guy!! What a writer! What a beautiful tribute to your parents!!! ❤️ $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Mar 20, 2018 · podcast: Apr 13, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180320 - Not caring what other people think Abstract I think all that jive about “not caring what other people think” is mostly bullshit. Exhibit A When I puff out my chest and chant the “I don’t care what they think“ mantra, it feels like I’m just giving myself a free pass to act like an asshole. And really I’m probably doing something I shouldn’t be doing or just did something I shouldn’t have done. Like that time you all know and love when I went into Jewel at quarter to eight in the morning with bloodshot eyes, looking like I’d only slept for a few hours. Because I had. And then walked up to the checkout lady with 2 pints of beer in my basket, all standoffish. Temperamental and dramatic and inwardly screaming, “Judge me all you want. I don’t give a fuck!” Yeah, that was just a cover up for the shame I felt for buying beer before the day had even started. It had nothing to do with legitimately not caring about what the lady in Jewel thought. When the “I don’t give a fuck what they think” comes out of my mouth or I’m all emotionally rambunctious up in my head most likely I’m up to no good. In one way or another. Maybe I haven’t actually done anything yet. Maybe my motives aren’t in the right place or my emotions aren’t pure. Whatever it is something is off. I’m not trying to sound preachy but whatever. I probably am. Exhibit B I don’t care what the neighbors think about the pink Christmas lights hanging in my kitchen window year round. However, this example of “not caring” never crossed my mind until I started exploring this apathetic path. If you will. I never thought about what they think let alone bothered to care what they think. I honestly didn’t think about the pink lights because I honestly don’t care. That’s when “not caring” is not bullshit: when I have zero thought and zero emotional investment. Truly not worrying about what people think of me and the things I like, that all comes from a place of calm and confidence and not one of bolstered and shouting egos. Not one of loud arrogance. I do what I want and so long as I’m not stepping on someone else’s toes then I don’t give a fuck. Don’t give a fuck enough to not even think about giving a fuck. If that makes sense. Exhibit C I do care what people think about me. I care about my family and friends’ opinions because what they think is important. It counts. It matters. If my friends think I’m being an asshole or if a stranger looks at me like I’m being a jerk, there’s something wrong with what I’m doing. Like if I say something in front of a server at a restaurant and an honest-to-god worried look comes across their face then I have wonder to myself, “Oh. I shouldn’t have said that. Maybe I shouldn’t say that again.”[1] Being a jerk is something I’m never trying to do these days but I’m only human and sometimes I don’t realize I’m being an ass. This is why what other people think is important. I look for guidance from the people that I trust in my life when I’m uncertain. I look to and count on my peers calling me out because I’m so wrapped up in me most of the time that I have a hard time seeing what’s going on. More importantly what’s going wrong. If I have something in my teeth I know that somebody will tell me. Man, is hearing that rough, too. Saying it isn’t any fun either. Being either person in that situation can be uncomfortable. And then of course Maggie showed me how to handle all of that. A few weeks ago I told her that something was in her teeth after dinner. She said “thank you” and then went and got a toothpick.[2] That’s the end of the story. And also an excellent example of what “not caring” is really all about. This might sound self-deprecating but I fucked up a good chunk of my life because I didn’t care what people close to me thought and I just did whatever I wanted. That didn’t work out so well. Hence two divorces. In the here and now I pay close attention to what people near and dear to me say. When people give me their feedback I do my best to listen and take it seriously. If they say that I’m fucking up then I probably am. And then I do my best to course correct. Because I don’t want to fuck up my life anymore. Also, and this is important: I look for the good in people and automatically assume that when they give me feedback it’s coming from a good place.[3] I don’t take what my friends say as an attack. Why the hell would my friends attack me? Friends don’t attack. Opening myself up to criticism, taking that with as much grace and humility as I can muster, and then appreciating the growing bond with that other person is a big part of the meaning of life to me. Friendships will absolutely flourish when I allow myself to be a whole human being in front of my friends. And even more, when my friends see that I took their suggestions, they’ll know that they count to me. They’ll get to be somebody, too. Our friendship will be balanced. Equal parts them and equal parts me. I don’t know about you guys but I admire and respect the hell out of my friends and family. I care deeply about them and their opinions. I legitimately do care what they think about me. Exhibit D And the last thing I want to say about this whole “not caring what people think” bullshit is that most people don’t think about me. At all. Because I’m not that important. If I’m out in public chances are other people don’t even see me. And that's not because I'm a ninja. One more thing. I've never written an “abstract” before. #advancedsoul #zerofucksgiven #diariespodcast Well my first reaction is “what the fuck are you looking at?“ because I’m me. ↑ Life doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. I’ll never understand why we as adults make life so hard. ↑ Sara clued me in to that. “Coming from a good place” are her words, not mine. ↑ Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Aug 10, 2017 · podcast: Apr 9, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20170810 - Seeking colorful Christian martyr to repel repeated Jehovahs Witness I have a sign but they keep coming back. I need you to intimidate them, get them away from my doorbell, and off my porch. For good. For permanently. I want you to make them feel like the Hindus did when holy-roller Robertson said they were all demonic. I need you to channel that Christian snobbery. That elitism those grade school girls threw at me when I was just a kid. When they told me I was going to hell. Because I wasn’t saved. And they most certainly were going to heaven. Because they were. They were gonna see their grandparents and everything. 😞 Anyways… Yes, you can and should shock them with the wonders of the United Nations, and the allures of provocative dress, and the miracles of blood transfusions. No, you cannot literally shock them with anything. That means no tasers. Realistically...real electricity is out of the question. Just fry them with your egotistical, religious superiority. Make fun of the number 1914. Continue with belittlement of their public preachings, their doctrines, their holy translations. I’ll have 3-4 mint Watch Tower mini-magazines. They’re reprints but they won’t know. Rip them in half like the Jesus muscle men do who impress each other by tearing up bibles. For the kids, ya know. If you can do it with your teeth and biceps, kudos my friend. Maybe tell them how much better your religious views are than theirs. Stuff like that. You don’t need to back this up with facts — remember it’s all about attitude and condemnation. Judgement is now and forever has been your ally. You’ll be standing behind my glass front door so you should be loud. Be a little freak show or whatever. Think: TELEVANGELICAL. That slap the forehead with the palm and be healed in the name of Jesus, that’s your tone. Bring the self-proclaimed doomsday. Bring a script or ad-lib, either is fine but you won’t be allowed to actually hold the script. It’d diminish your performance for gods sake. Don’t break the glass, either. I don’t wanna be mopping up sanctified blood before Halloween. I’ll have a tackle box loaded with eyeshadow and lipstick if you’d like to go for a Tammy Faye look. I’m in the midst of an eBay bidding war for an authentic Bakker replica wig. I’m on a limited budget so don’t hold your breath. You can, however, hold your breath for up to two minutes before Jehovah's arrival. For psychotic-comedic effect. Don’t pass out. If you do, I’ll simply roll you out on to the porch and who knows what will happen when the restorationists get here. But check this out: I’ll have a white Megaphone Speaker PA Bullhorn with fresh batteries standing by if you need it for your final push. If you bite, lick, or drool on it — you buy it. Don't do it. I'm not even kidding. This isn’t funny, holy wars never are, but it is a paying gig. $25 up front and $25 after you’ve sent them scampering back to Warwick. I’ll watch for them in my neighborhood and Snapchat you when I see a short sleeve and tie with a backpack. You’ll hustle on over and come in through the back because rumor has it they spook easily and can smell opposition. Yes, there’ll be a short audition when you come for the initial deposit. I reserve the right to capture your performance with my iPhone's camera. No, it won’t be uploaded to the YouTube unless you're into that. Serious inquires only. Don't contact me if you can't recite the goriest parts of Jobs’ plague. Bonus: if you convert them to Christianity the wig and tackle box are yours. You can also put a sign in my front yard come December, one of them “Jesus is the reason for the season" guys. 🎄 If you’re a Jehovah’s Witness, I’m sorry it’s came to this. I’ve run out of options. #helpwanted #religiousnews #bullhorn #diariespodcast tcr! · Aug 11, 2017 at 8:06 am $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Aug 18, 2017 at 8:32 am $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Mar 6, 2018 · podcast: Apr 7, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180306 - When others are behaving badly It’s easy to be of the mindset that how people behave is their business and I shouldn’t let it affect me. But that’s a level of spiritual enlightenment most likely I’ll never reach. Setting such a high bar for myself always makes me feel like I’m coming up short. I shouldn’t go around expecting myself to be more than I actually am, do more than I actually can. When I try and stop things from bugging me I tend to act/react twice as bad. The situation tends to ratchet up because I’m suppressing natural emotion. Not allowing myself to feel all of god’s given emotions is the never the right thing to do. Not long ago I was pretty agitated with somebody and I’m sure it showed. But I don’t give a fuck. People throw tantrums and I’ll scoff in their general direction. I think the real goal in situations like this, when others are behaving badly is to strive for simply not acting badly myself. Morons will always get on my nerves. I’m not immune to another’s stupidity but if I mind my proverbial Ps and Qs all will be right in the cosmos. And when all is said and done I a- get to experience all my emotions, good or bad and b- don’t have any fences to mend. Then I get on with my life. In related news... acting tough, walking around with your chest puffed out just makes you look like an asshole. #advancedsoul #protip #relationships #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Apr 3, 2021 Video (MP4): 20210401 - Cosmic Journey (2021 soundtrack) Audio (MP3): 20210401 - Cosmic Journey (2021 soundtrack) Continuing with the black and white musical theme, I spent a couple months of this portion of the pandemic adding electronic music to a trimmed down 1936 Russian space opera movie. If you like stop animation and CCCP rockets and ambient techno beats, this is for you. In the year 1946, the Soviet space program is undergoing turmoil. Professor Sedikh, who is planning to lead the first manned exploration to the Moon, is denounced by his rival Professor Karin as being too old and too mentally unstable for the mission. This journey clocks in around 12 minutes 33 seconds and sure, listening to the audio-only version is grand, it's not as grand as the video-and-audio coupling. The music more closely follows the movie scenes whereas with my previous black and white work I wrote the music first and adapted the footage to the melodies. Note: the film appears to have various name, hence the various link titles. Cosmic Journey (1936) - YouTube Cosmic Journey (1936) - IMDb Cosmic Voyage - Wikipedia Space Flight (1935 film) intertitles I’ve also been growing my beard so I can build and fly my own space rocket #128. 🔭 🎹 🚀 #fromrussia #cosmos #diariespodcast #diariesvideo Michael Hoenes · Apr 4, 2021 at 10:56 am That’s really cool 😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 4, 2021 at 11:58 am Thank you so much! 🪐 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Apr 4, 2021 at 1:02 pm The music with that space crew just waiting to brought to life in glorious B&W. 😎 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 4, 2021 at 1:58 pm Thanks! Took a couple months to put it together 🎹 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; chambers · Apr 23, 2021 at 8:14 am This is a lot of fun, it makes me feel like I’m playing a video game but I have no control $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; chambers · Apr 23, 2021 at 8:15 am this must be what my little brother felt like when I gave him the second controller and told him “you can be Tails” $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Apr 23, 2021 at 8:16 am Haha! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Mar 6, 2018 · podcast: Apr 1, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180306 - Moments of belligerence Friends. Family. Total strangers. I don’t consider himself an arrogant person. One evening, however, when I was running “who do I have to blow” late, I was pulled over. You may have heard this policeman story before. It was many years ago so don’t get too excited. Anyways, when the officer walked up to my driver’s side window, I flicked my cigarette down toward his lazily shined shoes. I didn’t consciously do this, had no intention of being jerky, no intention of premeditated arrogance. It just happened. I got a ticket for “disposing of flammable materials from a vehicle” that day. I never paid it. We all have moments of belligerence I suppose. And then there was that one time in high school when I was walking home by myself. A guy I was friends with drove past in his little red VW. I gave him the bird as he went by. Again, I don’t know why I did. It just happened. When I saw him the next day at school he asked me why I had flipped him off. Feeling somewhat on the spot and held accountable for what I’d done, I told him it was because I was walking and he was not. He then said to me, “you should’ve asked me for a ride” in a gentle, veritable kinda way. Instead of ratcheting the conversation up with more arrogance, he extended his hand in friendship. Bill was a legitimately good guy. A better person than I was at the time for sure. We weren’t close friends but I still considered him my friend. And knowing Bill made me want to be somebody like him. Helped me realize that it’s okay to not only ask for what I need but also for what I want, what I’d like. Because friends do things for each other. Just because they’re friends. Being a jerk by default never did me any favors. Granted in high school I didn’t really know how to do any better but in the here-and-now I’m grateful for those little interactions that helped me learn. In that brief conversation before class started, Bill taught me that conflicts can be short circuited with friendly compassion. I regret not getting to know more people in high school. I was too wrapped up in me and my chaos to make that happen. But looking back now as I drive to work, I’m sure there was a whole lot more Breakfast Club there that I didn’t even know about. I’m in the math club, uh, the Latin, and the physics club... physics club. #confessional #trafficnews #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Feb 21, 2018 · podcast: Mar 30, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180221 - Communal cigarette larceny So one time when I was “quit smoking” I was headed up to see my dentist in Elgin. Don’t ask me for a referral. He’s long since retired and is probably off riding a mule in the Grand Canyon these days. He actually rode a mule there once. A mule by the name of Travis. I heard that story every time I went to see him. Anyway, whatever stop smoking aid I was using that day wasn’t working. I had a little panic attack and that quickly turned into full blown, terror frenzy. I stopped and charged into the nearest gas station, drooling at the mouth, doing sign language, knocking over kids and racks of maps. After I got a pack of cigarettes in my hands, I tore into them like a bear after honey, ripping open a beehive regardless of consequences.[1] I had one in my mouth before even getting outside the gas station. I lit one up in the cool Autumn air and felt the fabulous serenity now. The world made sense. The radio station tuned in. I was a little light headed but the pleasure sensors were firing on all 12 cylinders. A few minutes later as the smoking cigarette was winding down, the self-disgust was winding up. That “smoking again” love/hate kinda thing. Shaking my head I stubbed the cigarette out and headed back up toward that mule riding dentist. Driving along Highway 31 and the smoking guilt got to be too much. I remembered what a client had said to me once. You’re a vegetarian but you smoke??[2] I stopped at another gas station and threw the pack of 19 cigarettes in the closest garbage can. Then I roared away in the Cube like a bear shot in the neck with a goat tranquilizer. [...Interlude of tooth song and dance...] While driving back home the fiery nicotine addiction kicked back in. My body was withdrawing and my mind going berserk. When I get in this spot, frantic desperation will kick my ass every single time. Yes, of course, I did stop back at that second gas station and did dug the 19 pack back outta the trash.[3] I was literally digging in the garbage can. Of a public place. In broad daylight. In a smoke finding delirium. With my mouth half numb from all the dentistry prodding and poking. People were looking at me like I was a red-assed baboon, masturbating[4] at the zoo while baring his teeth as a warning. Keep the children away from him! If you’ve ever committed this act of communal cigarette larceny you’re not alone. Peeps, that’s the end of this story. Happy Wednesday! #smokersunite #socialproblems #diariespodcast Please note: a bear’s thick coat protects them from being stung. They have little consequence for their actions. ↑ It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of disappointment. ↑ Addicts know no shame. Nicotine is one of the most powerful drugs, chemicals, bitches I’ve ever encountered. ↑ Please note: I was fully dressed. ↑ Monohon · Feb 21, 2018 at 1:25 pm I have radiation therapy I don’t want to be one of those older then I am Fuckers still smoking I start on the 27th! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 21, 2018 at 2:41 pm Good luck!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jenkins_arts · Feb 21, 2018 at 1:31 pm Nicotine is at the top of the list of addictive drugs. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 21, 2018 at 2:41 pm I believe it. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; JJ · Feb 21, 2018 at 5:26 pm Hmmmmm?!. I was just talking to someone this afternoon @ how I quit. How weird? My phone ( or you ) must be listening to me again. 😂 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Feb 22, 2018 at 4:43 am He eavesdrops on everybody! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Feb 22, 2018 at 4:40 am I know people who quit shooting meth and quit drinking whisky who can’t quit smoking. Oddly enough, I don’t have first hand experience with this drug. I never met a drug I didn’t like with the exception of tobacco. I must be allergic to it. Another…See More $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 8:53 am I remember Goth Sean Penn but I don’t remember the tobacco interlude. I’ll have to research. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 8:54 am Smoking is definitely an ash-y, cough-y type of love affair. Talking (and smelling) like Tom Waits is a requirement. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Feb 22, 2018 · podcast: Mar 26, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180222 - Alarm clock crazy, no thanks Denny's circa Dec 22, 2017 Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.— Step 2 of Alcoholics Anonymous The drug and alcohol treatment center I went to in the early 90s was 12-step based. Their treatment plan was to have patients complete the first five steps in order to graduate. When working Step Two, we spent a good chunk of time making lists of how and why we were insane. Those lists were easy to make but in the here-and-now I kinda think they missed the point. The point of this step isn’t to review what we’ve done in order to convince ourselves that we have a drug or alcohol problem, that in fact we were insane. Insanity is fairly obvious when you’re ready to stop. I’ve felt insane in my fingertips. The Second Step is about finding something bigger that we can believe in to “restore us to sanity” with “restore” being the keyword in the latter half of the step. I’m not here to define insanity. That’s looking at the problem and keeps me stuck. I have plenty of them “and then one time” stories along the lines of… on Christmas Eve when the family and I were all decorating the tree, I would sneak down to the basement every so often and take a big pull off my whiskey bottle. And then before the night was over my ex-wife was saying to me teary-eyed, “are you drunk?” Crazy, I know it all too well. I’m much more interested in looking for hope now, in reinstalling some sanity now that my jugs are plugged. And pay attention to this: it’s not “will restore” but “could restore.” We have to let that power in. The good news is that I was sane when I was a little kid. Children are pure, they’re untainted. They aren’t born with judgement or resentment or anxiety. Through a higher power’s help I was able to find my way back to a sound mind, a stable way of living as a grownup. Anxiety free more often than not. … And then there was that one time not long ago when I was having dinner by myself at Denny’s. Looking around the restaurant, there I was the only person flying solo. Eating alone isn’t my favorite thing to do but whatever. I mostly have self-assurance. I generally have peace. I can be by myself in public. I have my phone. I have the whole Internet. On one of the social medias I saw a picture of my ex-wife. With her boyfriend. And they were smiling at each other. And there I was sitting by myself. At one point in my career that was a recipe for emotional overload. But get this: by no choice of my own, I was honestly happy for them. Because I could see they had something going on between them that she and I hadn’t had for a long time. Happy because I always wanted the very best for her and looking at that picture I knew the “very best” wasn’t me. She had found it with someone else. Because I had closure, because I had walked through that breakup’s phenomenal pain, I could be sincerely happy for them in the here and now. Even though I was alone with my fork and knife, a power greater than me had served me up some sanity. One time several years ago I woke her up at 6:00 in the morning because I had lost my mind and I needed to tell her that she had played a part in all of that. This alcoholic had gone crazy when he first sobered up. Life was staring me straight in the face like a loaded gun. Waking her up before the sun was even shining was me embracing and exercising insanity in my daily life. Spilling it onto her life. Moving from that kind of early morning, alarm clock crazy to being truly happy for her at Denny’s, that’s being restored to sanity. And not by my own doing. How and when does that restoration happen? How does one move from alarm clock crazy to genuine happiness for another? With failed marriages and sour breakups time is always key factor. I needed some distance, needed some room for my mind to breathe, to detach from the things that were making me crazy. It was hard not to see only darkness when I was living in darkness. Before I could detach and let go, though, I needed to feel all those feelings. Those scary ones I’d kept locked up in me, down in the basement. I can’t move on from something if I’ve never dealt with it, never processed the madness. Hence moral inventory and amendments. So the simple and yet hard answer is that we’re restored to sanity by working the steps. It’s really that simple. And go to meetings. And talk with our sponsor, too. As Jerry said not long ago, “and then the pay off is peace.” I had peace that night at Denny’s. Peace for me and peace with her. After I let go, after I came to believe, I found out that that peace was what I had always wanted. #lettherebehope #relationships #twelvesteps #diariespodcast keamoose · Feb 22, 2018 at 11:09 am Have you heard this one? I don’t know if you like Johnny Cash, but I think the lyrics will mean something to you. https://youtu.be/Cb2uhocXl2A $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 1:42 pm I’m about 50/50 with my Cash likings but that one was pretty good. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Feb 22, 2018 at 11:04 pm I just looked up the origin of the song, and apparently he wrote it in rehab, so I guess that explains why the wording is so similar to step 2. 🤔 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 7:17 am Yep, I got that feeling. Nothing wrong with being heavily inspired though… 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Feb 23, 2018 at 8:08 am Oh, I didn’t mean to imply there was anything wrong with that. I just never realized what the song was about until yesterday. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 8:47 am Ah gotcha… I think the “🤔” threw me off. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Feb 23, 2018 at 9:02 am Ah, my bad. I meant it like “I am thinking about this new information”. 🙂 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 11:40 am All good! The steps have been engrained in me since maybe 1982 so whenever I see the phrase “came to believe” that’s where my mind automatically goes. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Feb 23, 2018 at 11:49 am Ah, see for me it’s all new, so your posts are creating all sorts of new mental connections between existing information and artworks I previously didn’t realize were related. I mean, much like learning anything else new, it gets all connected up with the old stuff and changes how you see it. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tism · Feb 22, 2018 at 11:13 am Thanks for sharing t. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 11:50 am Thanks for reading 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Monohon · Feb 22, 2018 at 11:32 am I know you probably hate hearing this but Though I didn’t know you that long you always seemed to be a little brother to me and I’m so glad you are doing so well! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 11:51 am Yep, you always were a good older brother! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; ubelievewhat · Feb 22, 2018 at 12:03 pm Thanks for the words. Man, I feel like I needed to hear this. Really powerful. As someone who struggles with life, and working my fourth now. I think I’m starting to get it, or “peak behind the curtain” so to speak. To me it wasn’t the booze or the substance, it was within me all along. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 2:15 pm Yep, totally me that was causing my own suffering. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; ubelievewhat · Feb 23, 2018 at 6:42 am Well, i mean i dont know the context of your situation or you. But I just know how it all relates back to me. I tried to live without a program-AA or otherwise. It didnt do me any favors. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 8:23 am Yep, I totally get what you’re saying. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · Feb 22, 2018 at 1:28 pm Fantastic! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 1:36 pm Thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; eamor · Feb 22, 2018 at 3:51 pm Oh man this is beautiful written. It oozes serenity and peace. I can literally feel that moment. Thanks for sharing. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 8:24 am Thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; AHeien82 · Feb 22, 2018 at 4:19 pm Thank you for sharing that, it sounds like you have kept your sobriety strong in the face of adversity! I’ve always taken point with the word insanity in recovery, because I think that it has a connotation of mental disease. I know my actions while drinking could have been considered insane by the standard “Doing the same thing, expecting different results” but when I got to the second step like yourself, I was looking more for inspiration in moving towards a higher power instead of dredging up my insane actions and using them to look outside myself. Maybe that’s just my ego, wanting to avoid looking at my character defects, but I think that is pretty well covered in the fourth step, haha. Thanks again! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 8:29 am Yep, I think we’re trained to look for the negative. It’s familiar and comfortable. My sponsor used to remind me of the quote that’s along the lines of, “we won’t find the light by endlessly researching the dark.” $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Myexisacheatingwhore · Feb 22, 2018 at 4:41 pm Damn. I really really really needed this. Damn. Thank you. As someone just coming out of that dark forest of ruined past relationships, trekking through it and feeling every painful second was worth it. The personal growth I have gained, the insight, was worth it. It wasn’t fun though, and at certain points I thought I was permanently broken and fucked. I was emotionally insane and obsessive. Living in the past and concocting grandiose plans for the future. It’s still hard sometimes, but giving it all over to my higher power, whatever that may be, has very likely saved my life. My life is not what I ever thought it would be, and not even want I want it to be, but damn I’m grateful I made out of that forest. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 8:24 am > but damn I’m grateful I made out of that forest For sure. My recovery isn’t so much all the wonderful things I have now. It’s more about all the horrible things I don’t. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Mona · Feb 22, 2018 at 6:52 pm Great explanation of how it works. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 22, 2018 at 11:15 pm Thanks!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; sunshinefiend · Feb 23, 2018 at 12:17 am Thank so much for that. I recently relapsed after some length of recovery & I am just baffled at how much I bypassed in my foundation steps. I was so desperate and broken when I came in, I was convinced that my horror stories are what made me need this program. With very fresh eyes I can see your point here and I really needed to hear it tonight. Thanks $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 8:28 am You are most welcome! Also, I was sober for a couple of years before I found out the hard way I didn’t have a real belief in a higher power. The good news is that after abandoning myself to God and working the steps I’ve been healed and made whole. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; marney0160 · Feb 23, 2018 at 9:54 pm I love the stuff you write!! 💗 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 23, 2018 at 11:02 pm Thanks! You’re the best! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jlcrawford · Feb 24, 2018 at 8:21 am Nicely stated. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 24, 2018 at 9:07 am Thanks! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; lisa8 · Feb 24, 2018 at 10:25 pm The God that shines thru you is THE BOMB my friend. Awesome share💓💓💓💓 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Kelly K · Feb 24, 2018 at 10:52 pm I miss you lisa8! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; lisa8 · Feb 24, 2018 at 11:06 pm I miss you too girl!! 💓💓💓💓 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; cc19 · Feb 26, 2018 at 9:28 am Beautiful truth, thank you for sharing this. And now every time I see a Denny’s… $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 26, 2018 at 9:36 am Thank you!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; MAW · Aug 30, 2020 at 11:31 pm The Sunday Grapevine meeting in Eugene OR, 5pm PT, would like to know what “alarm clock crazy” is. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Aug 30, 2020 at 11:33 pm I used the phrase “alarm clock crazy” to describe the kind of crazy that would make me wake up my ex-wife at 6 in the morning. Like that I was her alarm clock that day. 🙂 Does that make sense? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; MAW · Aug 30, 2020 at 11:33 pm Yes. That does. Thank you. Good story — you were today’s meeting $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Aug 30, 2020 at 11:34 pm You are most welcome! Oh wow, that’s so awesome! I feel completely blessed. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; MAW · Aug 30, 2020 at 11:34 pm I’m glad to “meet” you. I’m from the McHenry area $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Aug 30, 2020 at 11:35 pm I lived in Portland, Oregon for about six years in the 2000s. Now I live in a Chicago suburb, so I’m not familiar with your area. But nice to meet you as well! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; MAW · Aug 30, 2020 at 11:36 pm Have a good night $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Aug 30, 2020 at 11:36 pm You, too! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! 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content: Feb 12, 2018 · podcast: Mar 24, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180212 - Nobody can fuck with you Remember that one time when you were younger? When nobody could fuck with you? Because everything had fallen into place. Because all the dots connected. Maybe your best friend was there. It doesn’t matter who you were with or how or when you got there. But that was it. That was the moment when you rose above the bullshit and realized you were more than what you had always felt. It was like your soul fucking exploded, that you had a force field around you, and fucking nothing could get through. That time still exists. Right now. Look around. No matter what, nobody can fuck with you. Not that dude on your right. Or that lady on your left. That lion that’s about to eat you? Fuck him. He can’t do shit to you either. Because that’s who you are. You’re un-fuckable with. That’s a thing. That’s your thing. Somebody fuck with you yesterday? Fuck ‘em. It won’t happen again. Because nobody can fuck with you now. Not today, not tomorrow. From here on out remember that, know that. Feel that. Be that. It’s who you are. Nobody can fuck with you. #advancedsoul #jettrails #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:07 pm Thankies! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:09 pm Yep $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Momma J · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:16 pm What happened that brought you to this conclusion/ realization? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:21 pm Not sure. Sometimes a thought comes outta the blue and then before I know it, there’s a micro-manifesto up on Facebook. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Monohon · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:20 pm We have to meet again you and your family! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:22 pm For sure! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Monohon · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:22 pm Maybe this spring or summer! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Momma J · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:25 pm Count Me In! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Monohon · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:32 pm Just have to find the time I know I didn’t know you all that long but still have great memories of you all including Angie, Travie and Jeanie! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Monohon · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:27 pm Because everything you say is like a revelation funny profound and makes me feel good! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Monohon · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:33 pm Will talk to you all soon okay? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; fivewayrack · Feb 12, 2018 at 1:51 pm Damn straight! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Ryan Waters · Feb 13, 2018 at 9:11 am Thanks for this…. I need it today! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 13, 2018 at 9:44 am You are most welcome! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Feb 17, 2018 · podcast: Mar 19, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180217 - Ye old anti-climatic climax There’s an Italian mobster that lives up the street from me. He looks Italian but maybe he’s Greek. I’ve never talked to him but we’ve exchanged waves at the communal mailbox. I have a theory that he’s in the witness protection program although I don’t have proof to back that up. After seeing him mow his lawn I suspect he doesn’t like egg noodles and ketchup. His daughter is Egyptian. Well, one year for Halloween she was dressed up as a pharaoh so I don’t know if that actually qualifies her as being a true Egyptian. Anyway, this morning we both left for work at roughly the same time. He followed me out of our neighborhood, down Division Street, up along the Fox River, across the Prairie Street bridge, and then… He turned north on 1st Street toward Blue Goose[1] and I continued west on Prairie. During our minor caravan I thought for sure he was tailing me. He probably was. Maybe there’s a hit out on me, I don’t know. Maybe he wanted to wait until we were side-by-side and then give me a manila envelope with crop forecasts for orange juice. But he didn’t. And that avid readers, is the end of the story. Ye old anti-climatic climax. But wait, the real story is that sometimes we can be going down a certain path, have a good feeling that something extraordinary is about to happen. And then the story ends. That lottery ticket ends up in the trash with all the others. We don’t get a leg up on the frozen OJ market and live out our lives on a tropical beach. Okay fine, I can get sucked into the “what I have is not enough” and more[2] as much as the next Clarence Beeks or that there’s something missing and only if I could get the right hair cut then I’d be truly blessed. However, to be truly and fundamentally happy in this very moment, we’ll never go wrong with simply appreciating what we have. Plus, we can always take action to make things happen rather than plodding along waiting for the universe to hand us our next winning lottery ticket. When I do win the cosmic lottery it feels unlike anything else, the clouds have parted and the heavens rain magic down upon me. Flashy, life changing miracles only make me want more of them. They promote the good feeling that there’s something more to life than just “this.” But really, enjoying the simple miracle of what’s right in front of me pays overall higher dividends. It’s sustainable, too, something I can do every day regardless if I’m driving to work or tying my shoes. Granted, driving the same route to work can get more than mundane and maybe that’s why I tend to day dream. But my point is that it’s not very often our cosmic path takes a life changing turn. Life just continues on as it always has and we’re only left with what we’ve always had. But there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes our courses don’t need corrected. What we have now is enough.[3] In related news, on my way to work the only parking lot I see that’s consistently plowed is the liquor store on the corner of Prairie and 14th Street. Your call if that’s fortuity. #advancedsoul #missedconnections #bluegoose #diariespodcast Somehow Blue Goose generally works its way into my local stories. I don’t know why. It’s not on purpose as I don’t have a paid shoutout gig with the neighborhood grocery store. Maybe it’s simply because it’s the friendliest store in town. ↑ As an example: Doing more, more, more ↑ Or is it? Who doesn’t want a fairy tale? ↑ Joey Joann · Feb 17, 2018 at 11:57 am Paul Lencioni is great! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Christ of Larsen · Feb 17, 2018 at 12:23 pm Your a great writer $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 17, 2018 at 1:01 pm Thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; JJ · Feb 17, 2018 at 12:27 pm Yes! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Paul Lencioni · Feb 17, 2018 at 1:57 pm Holy bananas! You are one of my new favorite people! You get it! Thanks for the commercial - but more so, thanks for your great writing and for leading the ideas that can help shape a more beautiful world. - Paul, BG CEO $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 17, 2018 at 2:37 pm Aww, thanks! Just doing my part. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; dan mackey · Feb 17, 2018 at 3:56 pm I’m going with you’ve seen the movie trading places at least once. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 17, 2018 at 4:15 pm Yep. One of the best 80s movies. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Sanders · Feb 17, 2018 at 6:33 pm I know that dude. He’s from Moldova $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 17, 2018 at 10:03 pm He looks more Mediterranean to me. But I won’t rule anything out. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Sanders · Feb 18, 2018 at 9:43 pm Looks can be deceiving, I’ve heard. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 19, 2018 at 7:41 am True. His daughter was wearing one of them striped nemes once and I mistook her for an Egyptian monarch. However, unless you live in my neighborhood we may be talking different people. WAIT. I see where this is headed. What do you know about the OJ forecast? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Mary Kay · Feb 17, 2018 at 11:10 pm Went on many shopping trips to Blue Goose as a kid, remember when a customer backed up into a another car in the parking lot and pushed it into the river! The staff was always beyond amazing, personable, and helpful and my mom knew the manager by name. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Mary Kay · Feb 17, 2018 at 11:11 pm And your story was a wonderful slice of life!!!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 18, 2018 at 9:02 am Wow, pushed it right into the river! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 18, 2018 at 9:02 am And thank you! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Mary Kay · Feb 18, 2018 at 11:34 am LOVE LOVE LOVE reading your posts!!!! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Jamie J · Feb 18, 2018 at 7:15 pm $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Feb 19, 2018 at 1:23 pm I don’t get the Clarence Beeks reference. I googled him and remember the character but I don’t understand his significance. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 19, 2018 at 1:28 pm In Trading Places, Clarence was the guy giving the orange crop forecast to Winthorpe and Valentine in the dark parking garage. It was a covert operation of course. His character was also always in it for himself. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 19, 2018 at 1:32 pm Okay, referencing Beeks was a bit of a stretch. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Feb 10, 2018 · podcast: Mar 17, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180210 - Mostly it just makes you feel worse And then there was that one time when one of my brothers called me out of the blue. I hadn’t talked to him in close to three years and we were just catching up, talking about a whole lot of nothing. And then without warning or skipping a beat or barely pausing for a breath, he asked me if, when we all lived together, if I had slept with his girlfriend. Oh 😬 I wasn’t taken completely off guard as I stood in the kitchen with the phone up to my ear. I knew that this day was coming but still, somethings you can never truly prepare for. I hesitated for a moment and then said “yes” and that I was sorry. Relationships are sacred and I played a part in destroying one of his. I didn’t really want to say anything to him, own that dreadful behavior but I confessed because he deserved an honest answer. He deserved me being accountable to him right then and there. Plus, lying makes me crazy and being honest keeps me sane. After he heard my confession he kinda acted like it wasn’t a big deal but I could tell that his feelings were hurt. Getting confirmation for something you knew all along was true often doesn’t make you feel any better. Mostly it just makes you feel worse. You maybe wondering why I hadn’t made my amends to him sooner. I have a fairly simple answer. It had been over 10 years since the three of us had lived together and I had only seen him one time since, maybe in 1999. Just in passing really. There are certain subjects where one needs to wait until the time is right. Carelessly blurting out secrets of this magnitude can be just as reckless and as hurtful as whatever crime has been committed. And yeah, I could’ve called or written him a letter since we lived in different states but I wanted to talk with him face-to-face. I felt he deserve that, that physical closeness. I wanted him to see the real remorse and regret in my eyes, the pain in my heart for what I had done to him, the pain I had caused. So when he called in 2002 and asked me point blank, I knew it was time. After I came clean my brother and I’s conversation didn’t last much longer. Hanging up the phone I was filled with sadness, didn’t feel I had his forgiveness. There had only been an admission. I had admired and looked up to him for much of my life. When we were kids he had never really treated me as an equal. Older brothers generally don’t, but when he had invited me to come live with them I felt that had all changed. Like I was one of his peers. And then I had let him down. Well, more than that. I had broken his heart. My ex-wife was in the next room and she had heard most of our phone call. She could tell that I was rattled when she came into the kitchen. I told her what the scoop was, what I had done. She was supportive and understanding, said all the things one should say…but I always wondered how much of those few moments had changed her perception of me. Anyways, another decade and more have passed and I’ve let most of my guilt go. I pray that god heals him in time just as god has healed me as well. I hope he finds his peace but also know he has his own share of demons in the basement to deal with. And most of them have nothing to do with me. I’ve only talked to him one other time since that particular phone call, sometime in 2011 I think. He called me from a payphone drunk and obnoxious, yelling at people passing him by on the street. I was embarrassed for him. And it’s hard for me to admire him anymore. Even more so when between rants he angrily said to me, “What, are you too good to talk to me anymore?” I ended that conversation by hanging up on him. Part of being restored to sanity means realizing I don’t have to tolerate abuse from someone in the present just because I hurt them in the past. Mostly, I do feel as if I have peace with my brother now. I’ve came to terms with my part in all of it. And I did the only thing I could do in a grim situation like that: be direct, honest, and sincere. And yes, what goes around comes around. #confessional #relationships #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Feb 2, 2018 · podcast: Mar 11, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180202 - Communication, off the top of my head Kidding aside, I mean what I say when I talk and write to people. I try to be clear when I'm kidding but sometimes they don’t get it. Then I feel bad. Sometimes it’s understood when I’m joking but generally it isn’t with people I don’t know. I do my best to be honest and direct. When something’s important I try to keep it short and to the point. Getting wordy can and usually does add confusion. Sometimes I dance around a subject because I’m nervous. Worried about another’s reaction. Hopefully I’ll get there, get at what I’m trying to say. When it’s obvious the other person is nervous I try to be patient and understanding. I don’t like being in their shoes anymore than they do. Kidding aside again, I also take what other people say at face value and steer clear of reading more into it than I should. I don’t look for subliminal messages or other clues. I’m not Indiana Jones over here. I try to keep the paranoia on the shelf. It’s better for me not to be polishing my delusions and let them get dusty instead. However, sometimes I take what somebody said the wrong way and then spend too much time up in my head. Then I act differently, change my behaviors and my attitudes toward them. And then later I find out that I was being just a little bit too neurotic and then feel like an ass. Sometimes I just don’t like the response I get from people. Sometimes it hurts my feelings. People aren’t always going to shower me with goodwill and compliments. I need to hear both “yes” and “no” to be a complete human being. More often than not what another is saying is apparent. But maybe not. Sometimes I don’t understand exactly what they mean. Then I ask questions so I can. Sometimes people expect me to read between the lines. I’m not good at that. “I was dropping hints!” Well, okay but I’m dense. It’s too easy to make assumptions and make mistakes. My longstanding, most prominent fiascos have miscommunication swirling around in there somewhere. This isn’t directed at anyone because that would render pretty much everything I just wrote as false. When I write things like this it’s to help clarify things for me. Set goals, set bars that I want to reach. Outline the plan of who I want to be. Once I learned that I need to be less of a mind reader and more of a good communicator, my relationships got 100% better. I freed up so much more time to enjoy them rather than trying to win, rather than trying to figure everything out. #advancedsoul #relationships #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Feb 3, 2018 at 2:04 pm Jacob wrestled the demon… $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Feb 3, 2018 at 2:06 pm This is a quote from a U2 song but they’re referencing the old testament about a guy who wrestled his demons and ultimately won out over them. Fight the good fight and you’ll inspire everybody. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Feb 4, 2018 at 10:07 am Thought demons are of the worst variety. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jan 23, 2018 · podcast: Mar 9, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180123 - Why I never answer my cell phone A few years back someone by the name of Floyd inadvertently gave my cell number to his insurance agent. And then that domino’ed into my number getting on every insurance company’s call list. I’ve tried being nice to them, tried asking them to put me on their DO NOT call list. I’ve tried being mean, tried being funny, tried all sorts of things to get them to just stop. I even told them for a while that Floyd was dead and didn’t need insurance anymore. But once you get on any kind of insurance call or mailing list, you’re screwed. You might as well throw your phone in a dumpster, shave your head, and go live the monkeys. It won’t matter that you’re not Floyd. They’ll find you and call you from Troy, NY and from Arlington, MA and from La Grange, IL and from even from La Habra, CA. Same goes for car dealerships. I get about five emails a week asking if I want to renew the manufacturer’s warranty for the Nissan Cube I bought in 2011. They’ll even throw in a free oil change. I don’t even own the Cube anymore. Last sales guy that called me, I told him that Cube was the biggest piece of shit I’d ever owned. Please note: this is why I never answer my cell phone. Even if the caller ID says that you’re in my contacts, I won’t believe it. One time an incoming call came up with my mom’s number and it turned out to be Jaclyn Smith. Okay, that’s a lie but man, did you guys ever watch her in Charlie's Angels? Never mind, Jaclyn has nothing to do with Floyd. I looked up Floyd once on my lunch break. I can’t remember his last name but I do remember that he is/was a doctor. Dr. Floyd. Probably watching Netflix and filing out a GEICO car insurance quote and then typo’ed his cell number. That’s the kinda thing that happens when all your appointments get filled for the day and you throw a fit. I don’t know if Dr. Floyd is still alive or not. He’s dead to me. Him and the insurance he rode in on. Anyways, below is a script I tend to use if I’m feeling feisty and an unknown caller rings me for Floyd. Season to taste but use your best southern goofball accent: “Floyd? Well no, Floyd can’t come to the phone right now. He’s over in county lockup. He’s framed a course. He didn’t steal those 12 quarts a syrup like Randy said. He knew about Randy’s plan ahead a time but jus knowin’ don’t make ya a maple thief! I don’t really blame ol’ Randy for wanting to steal all that syrup. Boy, I do like that, that syrup from the Walmart.” If the caller is still with me I continue with: “Well hell, ya probably jus wanna talk with Floyd. If ya got a pen I can give you his address over at county. What was your name again? Ya sound familiar. Were ya at the Earlville Country Club last weekend?” PS- If I go off on a Charlie's Angels tangent for a few days, this is why. PS×2- instagram.com/helloitsjaclyn/ #doctorfloyd #missedconnections #diariespodcast tcr! · Jan 23, 2018 at 3:46 pm Looks like Floyd is looking to expand his doctoral operations out west 🤔 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jan 28, 2018 · podcast: Mar 5, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180128 - Holidays come once a year In the mid 2000s I made and hung this sign in our kitchen. Because I’m an asshole. I never really think (or have thought) about anybody else. Like if I have four hours of no responsibility I will sit and play video games for four hours. I won’t call anybody, I won’t go see anybody. I’ll just do my own thing.[1] And it’s not like that hate people or whatever. I honestly just don’t think about them when I'm full of me. Sure, when I was a kid, teenager, 20 something I would call people and wander over to their houses because I wanted to see them. But everything was just based around what I wanted to do. It wasn’t up until a few years ago when I started thinking outside of just “my box.” And trust me I still don’t always think outside of me all the time or by default. Isolating from other people really kicked in when I got married. I would just hang out with my ex-wife and the girls. My life’s dynamic changed from being single and stealing wheelchairs to being a homebody.[2] But still even being a husband and a dad, most of what I did at home was centered around me and what I wanted to do. Okay, not all of it but if I didn’t have anything to be responsible for I was off doing my own thing or finding something on TV that I wanted to watch. Here’s a good example. After the girls were in bed I never said to my ex-wife, “Let’s watch show X because I know you like that one.” Sure, I would watch her shows but the thing is: it was never my idea. I never said to the girls, “let’s go eat at restaurant X because that’s your mom’s favorite place.” Fine, it would be my idea if it was Mother’s Day but that’s a bunch of shit. It’s the days that aren’t holidays, the days that aren’t special — those are the ones count. It was even more horrible when I was drinking. “I’m gonna go get donuts for us this morning.” That was really code for “I’m hungover and going to the liquor store. And after I’ve took 2-3 healthy shots just to mute the fires of hell, I’ll bring back a box of random donuts.” Brief aside. Spiritual? Humble? Me? You’d be humble if you were me, too. If you wanted to make breakfast for your family, because you’d changed, because you realized sitting by yourself in “your box” was kinda lonely — and then nobody was home. No, I’m not coming down on myself or feeling like I fucked everything up. I’ve came to terms with falling down in life. It’s more like after reading Mark Manson’s article[3] on loss I was doing some self-evaluation. It’s good for me to do spot checks on my behaviors lest I go down to the basement in the morning and then come back up when it’s dark. And didn’t even know the sun had came and went. Maybe it’s just how men are wired, too. Hunting, gathering, and gaming in the basement while the women are nesting and making dinner for the family. I never made dinner for the family when I was married. Well, I used to make pies every Sunday night but it wasn’t because I was making banana cream for us as a family to enjoy. I was making it because I like pies, like making pies, and like eating said pies. But seriously though. Sometimes Maggie’s with her mom for the weekend and I’m home alone and then because I’m real good at thinking, I think about stuff. A lot. And again, not in the self-deprecating kinda way but more in the “here’s my part in a series of blundering events and moving forward I’d rather not repeat ye blunderings.” And yes, life can still be all about me. It’s my life and I have things I want to do, shows I want to watch, ad nauseam but my takeaway after my last great loss is that other people are what counts. Messaging someone, asking if I can come over just to see them, just to hang out, well that gives me a good feeling that finishing the next level in my video game never did. Because I know I’m doing it for them and not for me. Because I want to. Because fellow humans are sacred. #photos #confessional #relationships #diariespodcast Jimi said to me once, “you’re too good at being alone.” ↑ I’m not complaining. Most days I don’t have the energy to go out after dark these days. ↑ I didn’t read it in its entirety because as he said, “it’s a monster of an article.” ↑ marney0160 · Jan 28, 2018 at 9:11 pm Wow. Great stuff. I guess I’m guilty of the same thing. So the next time a friend who’s interested in seeing a great home that’s having an Open House says he’ll go whenever I am ready cuz he’s been home hibernating (isolating) all day, I’ll get out of myself and my isolating ways, be intune with the moment and join him. You’re exactly right humans are sacred. Namaste my friend! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 28, 2018 at 9:44 pm Nah, it’s all good. I totally get the not wanting to do much after work thing. 😊 But we should go the next time they have an open house. And bring your EMF reader thing. There’s got to be something supernatural lurking. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; marney0160 · Jan 29, 2018 at 5:23 pm Sounds like a great plan! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 30, 2018 at 3:46 pm 👻👍 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 30, 2018 at 5:25 pm Maggie and I would also like to see your instrument collection. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jan 4, 2018 · podcast: Mar 3, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180104 - Speaking of REO Speedwagon And then there was that one time (yesterday) that I was thinking pretty much everyone I meet and know in the here and now aren’t dicks. It’s a big shift in my perspective. When I was younger I used to believe that most people were assholes but then as I was thinking more yesterday, I realized my thoughts had changed. For the better. More than likely I just remembered the assholes, too, that they made more of an impression on me. Because they were obnoxious. And I was real good at that whole focusing on the negative instead of the positive thing. Over and over again. Your 90s heroes, Bush, sang “I’m addicted to bullshit” way back when. I can relate to that. “Addicted” is a pretty strong word but bullshit was what I knew. Anyways, along the same lines, we find what we’re looking for and having a clearer mind at the moment, I can honestly say that the people I encounter now are decent, caring human beings. Doing their best to make the world a better place. Doing more than they have to in life. Not that they go full-tilt, Mother Teresa kinda shit, but they do just a little bit more than required. Just a little bump extra. And that’s what makes all the difference in people’s lives. Going full-tilt can burn me out. It’s better if I just do a little bit more, be a little bit more each day. In the same song Bush also sang “it’s all the little things that kill.” But wait, the little things can make the world pretty awesome, too. Another big part to all of this is the people I hang out with. Not too many unsavory types these days. Regardless of what the magnet says, “like” can and also attract “like.” I’m grateful for my friends, you guys. Just knowing all of you makes me a better person. And to quote that same song one final time, “bigger you give, bigger you get.” I wanna be big today and all of you help me get there. Watching you give, inspires me to. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02K82uw4lio #advancedsoul #musicvideos #bush #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Dec 30, 2017 · podcast: Mar 2, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171230 - So long as I continue to do it I'm overly fond of how they worded all of AA's Twelve Steps.Case in point: the 11th Step. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.-- Step 11 of Alcoholics Anonymous It doesn’t say that we pray in the morning and meditate in the afternoon or whatever. It says that we continued to seek, it doesn’t say when or where or how. The reason they didn’t put it on a schedule is because some people might work the third shift. It’s really that simple. It’s not up to me to assume that everybody else’s life is just like mine and they need to work the steps just as I do. Sometimes I kneel when I pray. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes my prayers last five seconds and sometimes they’re extended. Sometimes all my heart and soul are in them. Sometimes I’m just mouthing the words. That’s okay. Because I’m praying. I never sit Indian style with my hands on my knees and meditate either. That doesn’t work for me. I either end up falling asleep or thinking about something nonsensical. And the point of meditation for me is to quiet my mind. To listen. To not to have all the crazy monkey chatter going on. Just shut it all down and let my thoughts come and go as they please. The only way that I can do that for long is to have some meaningless, mind-numbing task to do. Maybe I’ll meditate when I’m folding laundry or doing dishes or cutting the grass or just riding my bike. It doesn’t matter. However I do it is fine so long as I continue to do it. "Continue" and "sought" are the first two keywords in the 11th Step. Only seeking God’s will when I pray is also important. One of my most often prayers in early recovery was: “God, I don’t care what happens just help me accept it.” Prayers for me don’t work. Prayers for God’s will do. They keep me focused. They keep me out of what I want and in what’s really important. And after I pray I meditate. Sometimes only for a moment, sometimes more. I put myself out there and I need to be open to the cosmos sending something back. God speaks to us. Directly. It took me a long time to let go of the notion that God is separate from us. That God’s somewhere else, far away. But I don’t believe that God is anymore. I believe that God is here. Right here. Right now. With me, with each of us. In this very room. Or wherever you’re reading this. Quiet your mind and feel the presence. We’re never alone. Tune out the static. It’s irrelevant. Embrace the peace. You deserve it. PS- The plant in the picture is an amaryllis. I got it from Trader Joe's. #advancedsoul #twelvesteps #diariespodcast JayJayFrench · Dec 30, 2017 at 12:26 pm I live mindfully and try to do the next right thing. It keeps me on the right path. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Anonymous · Dec 30, 2017 at 1:23 pm Here’s a step 11 worksheet I use every day check it out. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Dec 31, 2017 at 8:22 am I like that! With the Big Book quotes, it really helps clarify what I should be seek. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Anonymous · Dec 31, 2017 at 4:26 pm I use that and it helps me tremendously it’s right out of the big book $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Anonymous · Dec 30, 2017 at 5:44 pm That’s it! I pray to be made aware of my higher power’s will, not mine. Before it was praying for my will, a new job, to better my situation etc. Now I pray for guidance of his will for me and the power to carry that will out. Because it’s important for us to remember, we aren’t in charge, we tried that and it failed miserably! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Dec 31, 2017 at 8:20 am Yep, when I’m in charge I make a mess of my life. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; wanttopushbutton · Dec 30, 2017 at 6:30 pm awesome - thank you. I especially like the “God is here. Right here. Right now” part. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; lifesStruggles · Dec 31, 2017 at 10:46 am What is step 1 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 1, 2018 at 11:17 am I’m not sure if you’re being serious or not 🤔 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; lifesStruggles · Jan 1, 2018 at 11:23 am I’m 49 years old and don’t feel much like playing lol , so yes I was serious. I had a nice person send me a link to the book. I am reading the doctors message now. On day 3 ….pretty proud. Trying to find ways to entertain my brain. I usually can’t sleep when I don’t drink, so took something to help last night. Just hoping not to get as emotional as I was yesterday. So far I’m not. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; hankthesmallcat · Jan 3, 2018 at 8:19 pm You definitely don’t have to say anything. Remember, it’s an anonymous program and “what you hear here, who you see here, let it stay here” (read in every meeting I’ve been to). Do you have a computer? Go to InTheRooms.org and do a video meeting. All you have to have is google chrome (easily downloadable). What about a Big Book? You can read that in the privacy of your own home! Day 6 coming up! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Dec 16, 2017 · podcast: Feb 25, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171216 - Sun glows in the mirrors As I lay here in bed before I get up to make coffee I was enjoying the morning glow. Sometimes I’ll get just a glimmer of something in life and think, “I want more of that!” But then I’ll sit around and wait for the universe to give it to me. And then before I know it the glow is gone and I’m sad that I missed out. Sure, I’m blessed with many things in life but often times I need to get up and open the curtain if I want to stand in the sunlight. The sun is coming up, peeps. And it’s shining just for you. 🌞 #photos #sunrise #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jan 21, 2018 · podcast: Feb 23, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180121 - Grace for others I would guess there’s been 5-10 relationships I’ve had with people where I've written them off. And I’m not talking about small relationships either. These are like personal relationships that have lasted for years. And I wrote these people off because I had hurt them or they had hurt me and then it just went back-and-forth like some fucked up game of spiteful volleyball. Then usually there came a point where I’d had enough, where I was done with it. It didn’t matter if I would see them every day or not. The relationship was sour as far as I was concerned. Even if they tried to make it better I was like, “Fuck you and your goodwill. That bridge is burnt.” Writing people off has just always been my go-to thing. People don’t change. They generally just keep being the assholes that they’ve always been. So there’s somebody in my life now that I’d written off as well. Too many spiked volleyballs and I was tired of getting hit in the face with synthetic leather by some ass who needed to be right at all costs. Deep down to my toes didn’t care anymore. And I’m sure it was obvious to him. I don’t want to come across as arrogant and say that he was all in the wrong but as far as I’m concerned he was. There’s some dysfunctional humans populating the planet. And plenty of them commit wrong over and over again. Not long back Sara gave me the seeds of seeing him as a human, faults and all. But I wasn’t there yet. I was holding on to my hurt and frustration because I wasn’t done with it. We were still on opposite sides of the net and I hate sand in my sandals. We can’t force acceptance. It comes on its own. Generally after I’m finished processing and have washed my feet. So in my interactions with him in the here-and-now I can see that he’s trying to be a better person, get beyond his own shortcomings, his own downfalls and the like. Being who I am, or who I can be, up until this point I was like “good for you” with all the mental sarcasm you can imagine. I’m suspicious by default, been burned^10 by the man holding flowers the day after he smacked you with a switch. Minor tangent that plays a part in all of this: I’ve been keeping all of my email since 2002. I like history. I like nostalgia. And I’ve had some powerful, healing conversation over that medium. For whatever reason yesterday I was reading an email Jimi sent me in 2012. It said something along the lines of his missing ingredient had been forgiveness. I’ve written about forgiveness before. It’s no secret that it’s powerful medicine for the sick, salted soul. I can come across as all holy and spiritual…but make no mistake, I haven’t mastered anything. After learning how intolerant I can be I’m sure the monks would kick me out before nightfall. Alexa, play Somewhat Damaged by NIN. Volume a billion. Okay, so here’s the real story... Yesterday, early evening the written-off guy left me a voicemail. I listened to it and immediately went into “I’m not taking time to even knowledge this” mode. Silent, bitter disgust in all its glory. But then this morning what Jimi had wrote via email was still lingering in my thoughts. It struck a chord this time. Unlike it did back in 2012. So earlier today, without putting too much thought into it because I think way too much, I sent my antagonist a follow up email. I answered his questions and even made a little joke. On the weekend. When I usually like my alone time to be all about me and my pursuits. Grace has been gifted to me by the cosmos. Numerous times. I believe it’d be good for me to regift as well. And now I feel good, feel spiritual, feel burdenless. Like the feeling when you carry six bags of groceries in from the car and finally set them down on the kitchen floor. What a relief not to be lugging all that around any more. I feel hopeful, feel positive. I don’t feel like anything is missing. In the cosmic sense of things. I feel like I’m doing my part in the bigger picture. If I’m not doing my part then I ain’t shit. And I hope he feels good, too, after reading my reply email. If people are making a legitimate effort, consistently, if I can see that they are honestly trying to leave their volleyball days behind then they deserve more than simply being held in contempt. Forever. I can see him as human, faults and all, just as Sara had reminded me I ought to. It’s easy to do the right thing when the sailing is smooth and the waters are calm. It’s much harder to live up to my spiritual potential when life’s complicated and messy. It’s harder when you’ve always been at war with machine X. But it is possible. If I’m willing. If I seek a spiritual path. If I’m open to walking one. #advancedsoul #forgiveness #grace #diariespodcast fleming · Jan 21, 2018 at 10:40 am Wow! It’s scary how much our minds work alike! I’ve always considered myself a “runner”…from 3 marriages, family and friends who have “done me wrong”. You have stated it so much more eloquently than I, but basically the same emotion and consequence. I want you to know I am actually learning “stuff” from you and want to thank you! I enjoy how your quirky mind works! And it sounds like Sara is VERY good for you! ♥️ $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 10:59 am I’m glad that my words are helping you in your journeys. I think that’s a big part of why we’re here. Not on Facebook, but in the bigger sense. And yep, Sara makes me a better person. :) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; klaurindabrey · Jan 21, 2018 at 7:09 pm That’s cool you embrace that Travis! Our partners and other frienship relationships should bring out the best version of ourselves. I hope and pray that when the cosmos align 😊, I will find that relationship too. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 9:29 pm You wil! The cosmos is just picking out the right relationship for you. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; klaurindabrey · Jan 22, 2018 at 2:32 pm Thank you so much for that Travis! You’re writings, pieces are wonderful. Writing has served a great purpose in my life as well. Thank you again! My best to Sarah! ! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 22, 2018 at 8:03 pm You are most welcome! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; gutierrez · Jan 21, 2018 at 11:11 am The great game of volleyball has been besmirched. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 11:19 am Haha! I hated volleyball when they forced me to play it in high school so I guess it’s a good metaphor for me. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Walker · Jan 21, 2018 at 2:37 pm I really needed to hear/read this today. People dont change most likey will just keep on being the assholes that they are. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 4:39 pm I need to hear it often as well 😉 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Jan 22, 2018 at 1:10 am I’ve kept most correspsondence since before that. I also read old emails for inspiration and refresher courses. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 22, 2018 at 8:35 am For sure! Email (besides work) has always been more about personal correspondence akin to the letters I used to write to my peeps in the 80s and 90s. Believe it or not, letters from SGC in Wichita were one of the highlights of going to visit my dad (PGC) after my parents divorced. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Jan 16, 2018 · podcast: Feb 18, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20180116 - I've always been at war with machine X I can only feel hurt and blame someone else for so long. And after that time is over I have to either say something or let it go. I don’t have the right to hold onto my hurt for years if I’m not gonna do anything about it. Not doing anything other than hurting, well, it’s not fair to the other person and it’s definitely not fair to me. Living with that hurt keeps me from being the best me that I can be. That hurt stands in the way of all of my relationships. There’s a lot to be said for saying something out loud. When things are up in my head I can’t make sense of them. My thoughts are like a whirlpool or tornado. Or both. They’re just going around and around and they don’t make any sense. My emotions are all muddy and I can’t get the clarity to know up from down. I don’t sit with things very long in the here-and-now because I’ve learned that life lesson. That I’m only going to be hurting myself and most likely innocent bystanders by not speaking up. Also, I never write something in hopes that someone else will read it. That misses the point of everything I just wrote. Just go talk to him → #protip #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Momma J · Jan 16, 2018 at 7:38 pm You are a deep thinker. You think about things that I don’t even think to think about! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 16, 2018 at 7:53 pm And it’s never my idea to think of them. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Monohon · Jan 17, 2018 at 12:14 pm I wish you only peace and happiness you have a great family and what seems like a great life look to the future and try not to dwell on the past I know it’s hard but you can do this if you ever need to talk contact me on messenger for my phone number! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 17, 2018 at 7:47 pm Thank you!! This was actually something I wrote 2-3 months ago but didn’t feel like posting it at the time! But that you, you’ve always been a good guy, a good friend. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Ryan Waters · Jan 18, 2018 at 1:37 pm Oh my! I really just need to say “ditto and thanks, Travis- I really needed to read and ponder your words!” $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Jan 19, 2018 at 9:51 am Thank you! And happy Friday! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Dec 6, 2017 · podcast: Feb 16, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171206 - Almost two years have past Not long after my ex-wife moved out I couldn’t stand to be in the house alone in the morning. Like after Maggie went to school the stillness was unbearable. I couldn’t wait to leave to go to work. Now that almost two years have past I’m sitting in the family room, just watched Maggie get on the school bus, and physically I’m in the same place but emotionally I’m a 1,000,000 miles away. I’ve made the house my own, got rid of furniture, replaced it with new things, and now I’m okay just being here by myself in the morning. In fact, I really don’t want to go to work this morning. I’d rather sit and dink around with the Christmas lights than drive my work desk. Anyways, we make it through the hard times. Let go of what once was and embrace what now is. The pain of the present becomes the fading memories of yesterday. If we do the right things for the right reasons, when all is said and done we’ll be okay. #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Dec 21, 2017 · podcast: Feb 12, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171221 - I can be a fruity butterfly If you're not familiar with AA's Twelve Steps, don't worry none. Just follow along and you'll get the gist. When I worked Step One I was in horrible, emotional pain. Nightmarish pain that’d wake me up at night. Day in and day out pain unlike anything I’d felt in my life. And that pain was with me up until after I’d worked my Fifth Step. Then after Step Seven I started to really feel that peace, that everything was gonna be okay. That overwhelming and underlying good feeling that comes from walking a spiritual path. When I started making my Eighth Step list I wasn’t motivated by pain so much anymore to finish the steps. I was motivated because I wanted something more than what I’d always had in life. I wanted more of the happiness that I’d been given. I was still willing to do whatever it took to stay sober but the willingness came from a different place. For maybe half of my life I’ve been unhappy. Discontent with how my life was going, what I was doing. Sitting where I do now I know that unhappiness is on me. Sure, I was just doing what I knew how to do but I’d made myself miserable. I wanted something more from life and I knew that making the Eighth Step list and making my Ninth Step amends would help change fundamentally who I was. I’m passive in life and stepping outside of myself, going beyond my limitations was something I knew I could do. And it all started with asking god for help. And being willing, of course. ... So when I got home from work today I tried to take a nap but I just couldn’t rest for whatever reason. I went downstairs and the cats were yelling because their food bowl wasn’t full enough. Then the robot vacuum tangled itself up in the Christmas tree skirt and was about to tumble down the stairs. With not getting a nap and the cats and the vacuum, I was losing my patience. Ugh. Plus, I hadn’t had dinner yet. So then I’m eating cereal and trying to read my meditation books, snap me out of whatever funk I’m in. I picked up the first one and rolled my eyes. Ya, I know about that. I picked up the second one and was like, “fuck I’ve read all of this before.” I felt like the disgruntled person that I’d been most of my life. Restless, frustrated, and overall just discontent. When I picked up the third one it’s about a caterpillar on a leaf. YES. It sounded a straightforward bell, something simple that I could latch onto. A concept without complex thoughts and overly wordy spiritual truths. So the caterpillar spends much of his life eating the same leaves, day in and day out. But then something happens and it grows into something more, it turns into a butterfly. It can fly wherever it wants, sample the sweet nectar from a whole world of flowers. It’s not limited to the leaves that it’s always had. It’s been graced with a newly found freedom. It got me thinking that I can eat the same leaves I always have. I can have my same life. I can be constantly frustrated and throwing my hands up in the air. Or I can let go and do something different. Be something different. I can be a fruity butterfly. I got on my knees afterward and prayed, asked God for help, help me live that better kind of life. That I know about. After I said my prayers the cats came over, trying to love on me. And then I gave them some love back. Life’s just not about me. When I get outside of myself and do for others, life takes on a new meaning. One that feels full. Even though I’ve been sober I still need to pray for willingness, still need to pray for help. It’s that old saying that “just because I got sober doesn’t mean I get to stay sober.” Sometimes the dysfunction kicks in and I just want to give up, hide from my responsibilities, and not deal with life. But really I don’t want that life anymore though. I’m willing to do whatever it takes just like I became willing to make my amends. I want my life to have meaning, to have purpose. I want it to be big. Cosmically big. Butterfly big. #advancedsoul #twelvesteps #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Nov 30, 2017 · podcast: Feb 10, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171130 - PechaKucha Night (cont) In follow up to tonight's earlier PechaKucha Night in Batavia This lady was eating popcorn with complete disregard for public safety I was sitting in a room full of people that obviously have the same kind of interests that I do. But I didn’t know anybody. So I did the next rational thing which is to get on my phone, post on Facebook, and visit the event website. For some reason I had it in the back of my mind this was all related to anime or Pokémon or something.[1] I was quite wrong. It’s more akin to TED Talks but it gives everyone a chance to present. “Great!” I thought non-sarcastically. I read more from the FAQ. This Q/A stood out: Is PechaKucha Night a social network? We believe there is nothing social about online social networks, so get out from behind your screen and get to a live event, with real people, real communication… Oh. So there I was at a live event, reading from the event website that I should put down my phone and socialize. This is a tricky scenario for me. I don’t do well in groups of people, even more so when I don’t know the humans. It’s part of the story when I relapsed. I want to hang out with other like-minded people but group settings make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Overstimulated. Like I’m in a swimming pool and there’s constant splashing. And too many people talking. And I have water in my ears. And there’s beach balls flying around. And I’m trying to keep myself from drowning. Maybe it’s not exactly like that but it’s close. Drinking makes social gatherings easier. It lubes the conversations with people I don’t know. It feels like I’m wearing a life jacket when I drink. It takes the edge off. And I have too many edges. Too much shame and too many bullies when I was a kid or something. I doubt if I’ll ever feel confident or at ease in public. And then also drinking makes me feel normal around other people. Like I fit in then. I’m part of a tribe that I’ve never belonged to. When I relapsed I was in a similar situation, a venue serving alcohol, surrounded by creative people enjoying themselves. And I was out of place. Without social skills. I didn’t know how to swim. And then I got a drink. And then the pool party wasn’t that hard. It wasn’t really a pool party but you get the analogy. And then that one drink last for ten years. But I wanted to be at tonight’s PechaKucha event, wanted to get to know people in the area other than those in recovery. Not that there’s anything wrong with the latter but I also have a magnetic attraction to another set of people, ones who are artistically passionate. Because we’re similar. Same expressive wavelength. The art makers and art lovers. I’ve got something to say creatively, just as they do. When I read the “get out from behind your screen” line I knew that I was doing it wrong. So I put my phone away and walked over to the greeter who had taken my money when I came in. I asked her how I could get one of the name badges some people were wearing. The lady told me those people were either helping out with the event or presenting that night. I asked her what time would I get to present. Because when I feel awkward I make jokes. She smiled and told me that I needed to fill out a form and maybe I could present at the next event in February. That was good enough. I then saw Jaime and his wife across the room. He had invited me so I was happy to see him. And he wasn’t with a group of people. I hate when I feel like I’m standing on the perimeter, waiting for my turn to talk. I won’t even bother with that anymore. Anyways Jaime, his wife, and I had a nice chat about the event and then meditation which was kinda surprising. But cool. Then the presentations got underway. I left the event a little early to go to a 12 step meeting. I enjoyed myself at PechaKucha, got a dose of artistic socializing but it’s important for me to remember that if I hang around non-alcoholics too much there’s a good chance I’ll start to think that I’m non-alcoholic as well. But I’m not. When I drink at social gatherings I continue drinking afterward at home. On a Thursday night, well past my bedtime. And then when non-alcoholics are having their morning coffee I’m having a morning drink. So I guess my takeaway for the night is that it’s important for me to get out. Replenish my artistic well. If I sit at home I’ll have nothing to write about, nothing to talk about. Other than my sad songs from yesterday. Well that’s not completely true but you get the point. And finally social skills are like any other. I won’t be good at them unless I practice. Put myself out there. Go outside. (Albert gasp). #pechakucha #socialproblems #alcoholism #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Maybe because I was pronouncing PechaKucha like Pikachu. That little yellow guy with the black tipped ears. ↑ jimi hindrance experience · Dec 8, 2017 at 2:45 am thank you t. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Dec 9, 2017 at 7:23 am Yep 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Nov 5, 2017 · podcast: Feb 2, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171105 - I only saw her rage Last night I heard an Al-Anon speaker say that she was very angry with her husband while he was drinking. But really she was scared. Scared for a variety of reasons, if he was going to really hurt himself, and so on. When I was drinking my ex-wife was also very angry. The kind of anger where it felt like I couldn’t do anything right. And I took that very personal because, to me, it just seemed like she was constantly upset with what I was doing and what I wasn’t doing. It really struck a chord with me, what the speaker said yesterday. Looking back now I can see that my ex-wife was also most likely scared. And frustrated. And hurt. I wish I could’ve seen through to her fear at the time. Seen her hurt instead of her aggravation. Seen her loneliness instead of her judgment. I feel sad that I only saw her madness and didn’t or couldn’t see what was underneath. After I’ve moved on and things have passed, it’s easier for me to have an objective look on what was really going on. But in the moment it’s too hard to detach from the then and there, even more so when emotions are high. We've all heard that anger is just a cover up but I only see the rage when it's directed at me. I started to tear up listening to the speaker because I felt like if I would’ve seen my ex-wife as simply being hurt and scared I would’ve done things differently when we were married. Instead of reacting defiantly to her anger, I would’ve tried to react lovingly to her pain. #alcoholism #relationships #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Nov 7, 2017 at 12:11 am i was just thinking about this today. thankies for the share. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Nov 8, 2017 at 7:22 am I think I might think about it a little more often. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Nov 20, 2017 · podcast: Jan 28, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171120 - I really did paint my couch Well, not all of it. And of course it didn’t go completely according to plan. Maggie and I were going to be gone all weekend and I had a time window of about 30 minutes on Friday to do my thing. I wanted to do it in that particular window, too, so the cushions could be drying until I got back home on Sunday afternoon. When I brought them back in yesterday I wasn’t tickled. There’s a certain elation that I like to feel when a project is done and with the pink cushions I felt none. But I was a smidge hopeful they’d grow on me after I got them back on the couch. But they didn’t. The paint was still damp, probably because the temperature has been colder, freezing at night, and so on. And the garage doesn’t have any air flow either. No breeze, no circulation. And no sun light. So the cushions went out into the yard where I was hoping they’d de-fumigate in the afternoon sun and fresh air. After the sun went down I brought them back in. Still not dry after their four hour sun bath. And still fumey. Maggie noted that it look liked somebody was murdered on our couch, that I could’ve just washed them to try and get the stains out. That’s not how I do things though. There’s this emotional drive, this overwhelming urge to put my stamp on all my stuff. I can’t help it. And what’s more: when I was painting them I was in a hurry, just trying to cover up the stains. Too much function and barely a drop of form. I didn’t have whimsy fun on my mind nor was I creatively expressing myself. I ran out of fabric paint in a matter of minutes so I resorted to using regular pink spray paint. Because I was gonna get them done in my time allowance. I was determined, focused, and intent. Tunneling down a path and there was no changing course. And they looked like it when all was said and done, too. But I knew there was something to Maggie’s thought of putting them in the wash. It might tame them a bit. I’m not above listening to another’s feedback and if there’s something there, if it feels right I’ll act on it. So off the cushion covers came and down to the laundry room we went. Now normally when I’m being artistic and fancy, I pause and ask the cosmos for guidance. I do this because I fuck shit up when I do it on my own. Seriously. Even when it comes painting or sculpting or any kind of building, I need to channel the universe’s energy and the like. And back on Friday I was the boss, rushing through the sofa makeover like I was hosing down prisoners. Anyways, I Spray ‘n Wash®'ed where the stains were, set the washer to whites, added a splash of bleach to the soap, and then waited for the second round of results. And I’ll be damned if most of the paint didn’t come out along with all of the stains. The covers were 90% perfect. “Did the spray paint really come out in the wash?” you ask. Yes, almost all of it really did and I suspect it was because the paint wasn’t completely dry and the fabric itself is like a linen, canvas material and not like a cotton t-shirt. Later when I was talking with Sara, she said that the fabric may have been sprayed with a stain-resister, too. Which makes perfect sense. I washed them one more time to lighten them a bit more and then they were good to go. So there ya have it. The couch is as exactly as I want it to look. It’s clean with a hint of color just like Albert’s socks. Maybe a little more subdued that I originally planned but more often than not if I let the cosmos be my guide, things will turn out better than I could’ve ever imagined. Be it relationships or careers or spray painting your couch. There's still one ink stain from a pen on the left but I can live with that for the time being. #photos #homeimprovement #pinkcouch #advancedsoul #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Dec 8, 2017 at 3:01 am Albert’s socks. GOD DAM I SAID GOD DAM! I enjoyed Albert’s socks at least as much as Uma enjoyed the go-juice she hoovered off the bathroom sink. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Dec 8, 2017 at 3:03 am https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2_vbou3kxE $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Dec 9, 2017 at 7:25 am Uma’s the coolest! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Nov 11, 2017 · podcast: Jan 26, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171111 - Can I spray paint my couch? Well, I guess there’s nothing that would actually stop me but what are the pros and cons? The ebbs and flows? The ups and downs of such a Jackson Pollock maneuver? Granted he used brushes and had more of a splatter/drip/drop technique with the reds and the blues and the blacks. Also, in his most delightful biographical movie, starring Ed Harris, Pollock did in fact urinate in someone’s fireplace. Which of course I would never do. But still, this isn’t the kind of painting operation your average Home Goods shopper thinks about, let alone strongly considers. So back to the couch makeover. Before answering, know beforehand I’m not intending to cover the whole couch with spray paint, only accenting the three seat cushions. I was thinking more along the lines of background emphasis, similar to this I'm a Mess t-shirt that I made. You maybe wondering what kind of fabric the couch has. That is a very good question. It’s a soft linen fabric, white in color. It’s a bit lighter than cream but not a bright white either. It’s lost it’s luster and is kinda drab. I’m not a big fan of drab. I like color. There’s also stains here and there because kids and I’d like to reverse that with some, possibly pink, artistic flare. Throughout my life adventures I’ve never spray painted such a fabric. Or a couch. Do you think this material is absorbent enough to hold the spray paint? Will the drying time be less than a day? See, I actually do want to use the couch again at some point and don’t want it taking up space as a nonfunctional art piece. I really don’t want to be wearing it. Also, how long might the cushions smell like paint? I’d rather them not be fuming up the place well into the new year. Thanksgiving is coming up and all and I’d like any and all vapors to have vanished by then. Even though no one‘s coming to my house for Thanksgiving, my cats will be home and I don’t want them high as kitty kites, glossy eyes, silver mouths, that whole bit. I want to avoid them getting hooked on and huffing spray paint, stealing it from the neighbors, and/or whatever the hoodlum alleycats are doing these days. I also don’t want them dead. You maybe wondering if I’ve inhaled too much paint exhaust as well. I can answer, honestly, that I have not. I simply live alone with my daughter and that affords me the freedom to explore whatever whimsy comes to mind. I have, however, learned throughout my various adventures not to rush into things such as this without first seeking expert upholstery and medical advice beforehand. Thoughts? #homeimprovement #helpwanted #pinkcouch #diariespodcast keamoose · Nov 12, 2017 at 1:09 am They make a paint specifically for this purpose: https://www.michaels.com/fabric-spray-paint/M10117037.html?dwvar_M10117037_color=Glitter $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Nov 12, 2017 at 8:37 am Perfect! I was ready to use the same paint that I used on your shirt. 🎨 😉 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Nov 12, 2017 at 9:35 am I haven’t tried it, but I suspect the fabric paint will give a better result for a high-wear area like a couch. You don’t want the paint coming off on people’s clothes. Also it comes in glitter colours, so it’s win-win. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Nov 12, 2017 at 9:39 am Ooh. You know what else you could do? Sharpie makes a set of fabric markers. You could illustrate your couch. Just test first, because the ink bleeds a bit on some fabrics. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Nov 12, 2017 at 11:13 am Yep, I used fabric markers on your shirt for the lettering. They’re one of the best things ever invented. I ordered this paint earlier this morning so we’ll see how it does as a base. Maybe I’ll bust out the sharpies for some focal points 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Nov 12, 2017 at 11:24 am Can’t go wrong with “Brite Pink”. Except maybe on a spelling test. 🤔 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Nov 12, 2017 at 5:15 pm I was kinda thinking about Rainbow Brite when I was checking out. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Nov 15, 2017 · podcast: Jan 22, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171115 - Each and every single target Sometimes I’m driving along, got something on my mind. And then I get the feeling that whatever I'm thinking about, well, I think that I should be worried about it. And then I start thinking, “why the hell am I not having a panic attack?” Like this is some serious shit Why am I not freaking out? People could figuratively die. Even more than that, what will people think of me if this goes south? This could confirm that I am indeed “not enough.” And then I think that I shouldn't worry, that everything will be okay and things will work out. And then I second-guess myself, like maybe I’m being cocky. And then I think maybe this is just how regular people live. They don’t race to work in a state of terror, needing to make sure whatever is causing them panic, the trembling, is fixed and fine. It feels kinda nice not to live in a constant hysterical state. Even more so when I’m driving. I’ve had most of my panic attacks in the car. Because there was nothing that I could do. In that moment. I was helpless. Had to sit with my emotions. Feel all the bumpers. There was no escape. Anyways, I don’t have to live with my heart racing. It’s pretty awesome not to. And even if life does melt down, I can be okay. Even if my silvery, steel ball needs to slam each and every target before going down the drain. #advancedsoul #lettherebehope #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Dec 8, 2017 at 4:19 am Gonna get me a little oblivion, baby Try to keep myself away from me —-Counting Crows $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Oct 26, 2017 · podcast: Jan 19, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171026 - Super Target has Blue Diamonds One time my brother ate a whole bag of walnuts. And my mom was furious. She still talks about it to this day even though said feeding happened sometime in the 80s. Apparently the walnuts were a gift to my mom from my grandpa during one of his nation-wide adventures. I think they came from out west but nobody knows for sure since he was known to disappear for weeks on end during his “fishing trips.” One time grandpa bought a whole everglade forest or something in Florida. On a whim. I had always hoped to see it someday, to see if the elusive feathered-bigfoot-alligator was a real thing. But that never happened because the older I got, the less swamp sounded like fun. I see I’ve drifted off on a tangent. The above paragraph is neither here nor there to this post. It is not in a fox. It is not in a box. It is not in a boat. It is not in a moat. Anyways, my mom had planned to make these nutted brownies[1] with the supposedly delicious western walnuts. Alas, she was forced to make brownies sans nuts. And seriously, chances are 92% that if I (or anyone else) ever mention walnuts to her, even in the casualest of conversations, her face will still flush with the fury of a baker betrayed. Now then… I would like to make restitution on behalf of my walnut-eating brother[2] (and his 80s afro) to my mom and get her a new bag of walnuts. No, I don’t have to do this but I’m sure my mom’s face would also flush if she ever knew about one of the times I [redacted]. Therefore I’ve taken it upon myself to try and fix this little piece of history. Will it work, beloved and devoted readers? Well, that’s where you come in: where is the best place to get the best walnuts around town? I’m not looking for the best price, I’m looking for the best nut. Chopped or otherwise. Not ground though. Who the hell can do anything with ground walnuts this late in the season? Certainly not me. And not more than a pound. I’m not stalking up for seed apocalypse here. Also, be aware: any answers that start with “Super Target has Blue Diamonds” will be publicly mocked. #helpwanted #diariespodcast Is that what you call them? Nutted brownies? Or brownies with nuts? You pick. ↑ You maybe asking yourself why he ate a whole bag of walnuts. I wondered myself when I was but a boy. The only thing I can come up with is that he smoked one of his doobies and that put the hunger in bones. ↑ Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
content: Oct 17, 2017 · podcast: Jan 14, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171017 - There's a gentleman we'll call Gary So we all know that our phones are a huge part of our lives. We take them pretty much every where. They say that they’re generally the first thing we look at in the morning and the last thing we look at before going to sleep. However, I’ve came across a situation where another’s phone usage has me bepuzzled and I wanted to get the worldly consensus. Yes, I realize that virtually all people will be looking at this post on their phones, and yes, that may skew the results but I acknowledge this and will persist. There’s a gentleman we’ll call Gary. I doubt if the gentleman is actually named Gary but he very well could be. If so, it’s purely coincidental. Also, this man is not your friend or relative named Gary. No, I don’t know your uncle Gary or your boss Gary. Finally, I don’t have any friends that go by Gary. Which is why I chose this name. Well, I actually chose it because after Bruce Wayne retired along came a Batman named Gary[1] of all things. I was rather disappointed that the writers chose “Gary” because it does not compare to the power that comes from saying an almighty name such as “Bruce.” Also, if your name is Gary I’m sorry but you cannot be Batman. Anyways, back to the man I have aliased Gary. I’ll get right to it… Gary was watching a movie trailer in the public restroom at work a few moments ago. He was hidden within the stall but his phone did indeed bellow with the cellos and sing with the strings and pound with the pianos, and all in such a way that I knew whatever action-packed movie Gary was previewing was gonna be good. I felt a smidge frantic because I hadn’t anything but the movie music to go on. How in the world would I find this movie in Fandango later? Shazam was obviously out of the question. But once the audible excitement of whatever film Gary was trailering had worn off, I felt disheartened, disenfranchised, disengaged, dis and more dis. Almost like I’d shared a moment with Gary that, not only I shouldn’t have, but also that I didn’t really want to. Sure, I get sucked into movie magic as much as the next Doug…but once I was washing my hands firmly back in reality, I knew beyond a doubt that I don’t want to have any kind of moments with Gary in a public restroom. Ever again. With public restrooms I think people should get in and get out. And more importantly: let strangers get in and out as well. If you’re going to watch the YouTubes or whatever at least keep your phone on silent so you don’t suck others in. Better still, don’t make any sounds at all. Don’t grunt, gasp, or sigh. If possible, hold your breathe. Remain mysterious. Elusive. Don’t give the other guests any clues as to who you are or what you’re doing. You could very well be Bruce Wayne or Selina Kyle. Use your anonymity to your advantage! Okay, so I’m not like everybody. I don’t like making noises or chit-chatting with strangers while visiting the communal washrooms. If you do, that’s fine. I won’t judge. To each their own. You got the right to do your business. So my question… Since Gary was watching and listening to his phone in the restroom, publicly filling the airwaves with theatrical music for all, would it have been appropriate for me to say, “Sounds pretty good, what movie is that?” #socialproblems #movienews #publicrestroom #diariespodcast Editor's note: there wasn't a Batman named Gary. Terry was his name. I've gone too far to change it now. ↑ Punque70 · Oct 17, 2017 at 6:21 pm You had me at Batman. I am not sure how it is in men’s rooms, I am not a shy person, but I would not ask. It’s almost as if you are in a privacy bubble when you are in a closed stall. I would be able to ask for tissue of course, not that I don’t check first to be certain. If your curiosity is insatiable, the worse that could happen is Gary/Terry/Batman telling you to mind your own beeswax. All this being said if someone tried to make eye contact through the crack in the door, I am not above yelling at them to take a picture, but I digress. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; jimi hindrance experience · Oct 17, 2017 at 7:34 pm Yes. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Oct 18, 2017 at 2:56 pm This is all great, but my favourite part is that after you’ve said Gary 1000 times it turns out Batman’s name was actually Terry. I say you could have asked, BUT there’s a good chance it would have led him to engage you in conversation, which you probably wouldn’t enjoy. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Oct 18, 2017 at 3:09 pm I know! I spent like an hour yesterday searching for a Batman named “Gary” on Wikipedia. Subconsciously I was probably thinking that he looked like a Gary though. Manly type that does what he wants. When he wants. Most likely a car salesman. “You’re going to buy this car or else I’ll throw you in the trunk and then you’ll realize how dumb you are, laying in a trunk, with no car, like a moron.” In related news… I was practicing reading my podcast last night at the dinner table while Maggie was doing her homework. Every time I said “Gary” her eyes would roll. There came a point when all parties agreed I should read quietly to myself. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Oct 18, 2017 at 3:24 pm Funny, the only Gary I know is a tall, thin, 60-ish civil engineer with a ponytail who bikes to work and runs marathons. I also had a high school physics teacher with a small mustache and elbow patches named Geary (pronounced Gary). He erased the chalkboard row by row, walking all the way across like a dot matrix printer. So I guess, we have very different images of “Gary-ism”. I’m concerned about Maggie having eyestrain after all those Gary’s. Did she eventually have to lay down with a cool wet washcloth over her eyes? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Oct 18, 2017 at 3:26 pm BTW, “searching for a Batman named Gary” would make an excellent tagline for SOMETHING. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Oct 19, 2017 at 7:09 am “Searching for a Batman named Gary” — I think it’d also make an excellent personal ad on craigslist.org. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Oct 19, 2017 at 10:41 am Yes, it would, though I don’t know why a millionaire crimefighter would reply to an ad on Craigslist. You’d likely get a lot more replies from guys sitting in their parents’ basements wearing plastic capes than from genuine Batmen. Batmans? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Oct 20, 2017 at 12:17 pm I kinda like “batmen” as it gives them a sense of camaraderie although “batmans” sounds more inline with the DC universe. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Oct 20, 2017 at 12:33 pm I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I preferred “batmen” over “batmans”, but I think that’s it. I’ve also been advised by tism that “batsman” is right out, as it’s a cricket term… the plural of which is “batsmen”. I’m unreasonably annoyed by “batsmen”; it’s like some kind of double plural. Like there should be at least 3 or 4 of them. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; tcr! · Oct 21, 2017 at 9:04 am There should definitely be more than two batsmen and definitely more than four batsmens. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; keamoose · Oct 21, 2017 at 10:40 am Batsmens! 🤣 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true; Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? 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content: Oct 13, 2017 · podcast: Jan 11, 2021 Audio (MP3): 20171013 - They deserve it When I was drinking I would hurt people, because that’s what I did when I was drinking, and then I would feel bad and avoid them. Sometimes go out of my way not to see them. And then when the day came around that I did, I would hang my head in shame and hope that they had forgotten. My guilt would pile up like garbage. The trash can would be overflowing, shit falling on the floor, and I’d just ignore it. But then I’d walk by the guilty trash pile and step on something and it’d stick to my shoe and I’d be like... "Dude just get off" And that’s how I lived. We talk in 12 step meetings about how the steps change us, make us better people. How they awaken our spirits. And with that I was thinking about Steps 8 and 9 recently and the cool thing about working them is that years later when I have something to do, amends to be made, or whatever I know that there is freedom after I walk through it. After I sweep up and take out my trash I’ll feel better. “Freedom from bondage of self” as it’s written. The first time I was making my list, preparing to make those amends and so on, I had all kinds of anxiety and fear because I’d never done something like that before. Not something that monumental anyways. I didn’t have much experience with facing not only what I had done but also facing the other person. I didn’t know what was going to happen or how it was all gonna work out. So many unknowns. And unknowns are scary. Plus, I felt bad for what I’d done that led me to the person’s door in the first place. People in the meetings said it was going to be okay and I knew that it was going to be okay just from earlier step work. But right then it wasn’t okay. Because I hadn’t made them. I was still living with the burden of my trash heap. So in the here and now, because I went through the whole amends process, became willing, and knocked on people’s doors, I know there’s good stuff on the other side. I can rely on my past experience of taking action. I have that benefit now. The steps not only clear away the “wreckage of the past” but also give us the skills to live a clean life moving forward. Steps 8 and 9 are “training for Step 10” as John recently said. Walking around with something on my mind, something that I need to do it really bothers me in the here and now. After having a clear conscience and knowing what a blue sky feels like, whenever my conscience isn’t clear it grinds on my emotional gears. It’s like life comes to a halt. It interferes with my relationship with god, with the cosmos, with you guys. Today, I don’t have to walk around a trash pile. I know what to do. I can reach out to whoever now and be done with it. I won’t have to wonder if someone’s still mad or hurt because I can take responsibility for what I did. I can simply say “I was being an ass. And I’m sorry.“ It can really be that simple. Then all that burden, all that discord, it goes away. Doing that kinda thing is how come I’m happy today. It’s how I get to live my life fully in the present. Not looking back, not feeling bad, but enjoying everything this very moment has to offer. There’ll be no fucking trash on the floor. Also, just knowing that a relationship can be repaired or set back on track is a wonderful feeling. Just knowing that it will no longer be an obstacle, that I don’t have to avoid someone or not look them in the eye. Just knowing it’s gonna be okay gives me hope, gives me relief, gives me the motivation to clean it up. And it will also make the other person’s day just that much better. They can have and share in that same freedom, in that same closure. They deserve it more than I do. I’ll never forget the look on his face after I said, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.” His eyes teared up the same as mine as we shared that moment, as we both let go of a shard of glass that was holding us back. That was keeping us from having the best relationship possible. We shared in that release. I’ll doubt if you’ll find something better than that. #alcoholism #twelvesteps #relationships #diariespodcast Add a comment! Got 30 seconds? Take the super duper, quick and easy podcast survey! Please. 😊 Love the show? Make a donation! Because you're the best. 💖 tcrbang.com · Instagram · Facebook · YouTube View original
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