Podcasts about Amish Mafia

In today's Normal World, Dave Landau, Angela, and Matt McClowry—filling in for 1/4 Black Garrett—tackle the absurdity of the news. Canada moves to ban Pornhub over Trump's trade policies. Tracy Morgan's courtside vomiting incident and Walmart settlement spark debate, while war stories from the Syracuse Funny Bone resurface, featuring entourages crammed into green rooms, surreal Ed Bassmaster shows, and hecklers critiquing Amish Mafia jokes before shows devolve into motorboat contests. The hypocrisy of the Climate Summit is on full display as the Amazon rainforest is bulldozed for a highway built exclusively for world leaders. Bill Gates, private jets, and AI's insatiable water consumption raise fresh concerns. AI-generated comedy flops, while outdated industry figures get roasted. The episode closes with a UK mayor found dead in a crack house, naked in a camping chair—leaving behind a legacy that's both shocking and strangely fitting. This episode of Normal World features comedians Derek Richards, Matt McClowry and special guest Stephen Henry. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Cáel deals with wounds, lies and the clash of cultures.In 25 parts, edited from the works of FinalStand.Listen and subscribe to the ► Podcast at Connected..“The words 'I love you' inspires joy, relief and terror.”I missed my entry to the infirmary. I was returned to clarity by the two female attendants. The younger went straight to cutting my left pants leg off while the oldest Amazon I'd seen to date began an excellent rendition of 'beef' inspector while pretending to be a physician. It was almost hilarious when she looked to Sydney, addressing her in Old Kingdom Hittite."Was he being disciplined, or did he do something stupid?""I did something stupid," I griped. "I showed up to work today." Since it was their native tongue, both of the medical attendants' eyes bugged out."He volunteered to help Aya of Epona with her archery lessons by letting her shoot at a fruit out of his hand," Sydney related."This; this isn't a wound caused by a practice arrow," the physician observed."No, that was from Leona of Marda. She attempted to kill him. When Leona threatened his controller, he presented himself for slaughter," Sydney clarified. "Hayden stopped Leona, Leona disobeyed and we need to plan Leona's funerary arrangements now.""How did you come to speak our language?" the junior attendant asked. The tone of her voice and the look in her eyes was chilling and sensual at the same time. It was chilling because of the transformation she went through as I went from a piece of equipment to a close approximation of a human being in her eyes. I was getting tired."Erotic poetry," I humored her. "I had a lover some time ago; a scholar; who wanted to share Old Kingdom Hittite; Amazon love poetry and songs in the voices of their creators. I know multiple languages no longer spoken."#Your eyes are stolen from the waterfalls descending from the highest mountains##Your hair robbed from the threads of the night sky##Your body is shaped by the Mother Rivers##Your beauty is the gift of the Goddess who knows both tears and love#I recited it in the original Chaldean Babylonian. They were all staring at me, so I translated it into Hittite. It didn't flow as smoothly."What language was that in?" the security guard inquired."Chaldean Babylonian. It is a love poem from a prince to his dead wife," I answered."It was nice, even eloquent," Sydney remarked."Wow," I sighed. "It is tragic to think not a single woman in this room has ever been romanced.""I am pretty sure every woman in this room has been with a man before," the security guard countered."After sex, what did the two of you talk about?" I regarded her."That's not what we use men for," the doctor spoke up while she began examining my wound. Pain. "We use artificial insemination and surrogates for procreation. Beyond directing them in our physical stimulation, there is no need to talk to men.""Oh," I mused sadly. "That makes sense and is richly rewarding to know. If I was more like the rest of you, I'd be laughing. Unfortunately, I have a heart and compassion, so I'll pity you all instead." The doctor didn't take my honestly well. "Ow! Good bedside; Ow!; manner there, Doc.""We don't need your pity," the security guard threatened."Sure, but then I've not bred myself into extinction out of fear of cuddling either," I grinned. "Treating men like livestock makes sense; if you are evil. You refused to allow yourselves to get attached to any male so it would be easier to kill us when our time came.""Tread carefully," Sydney cautioned me."Okay Sydney. Since you are the only female present capable of having offspring, I'll be good," I got in my parting shot. By the silence in the room, I had hit the nail on the head. "I apologize for disturbing you ladies. I'll be a good male and keep my mouth shut."That declaration didn't last long. Apparently pain-killers were not part of their medical credo. When I asked, the doctor implied I wasn't hurt nearly enough; in other words, not being amputated or decapitated. I asked if being castrated would earn me a hammer to the head. They smiled. They thought I was a funny guy once more. It was the whole 'laugh at death' mystique again.This tender, motherly moment was punctuated by the doctor's application of the staple gun (instead of stitches) to both entry and exit wounds. Sydney offered to give me something to bite down on. I insisted on sharing my pain as I screamed my lungs out during the torturous procedure."I thought you were a tough guy," the security guard sneered."And not screaming would have made me tough? Bitch, those are some fucked-up priorities. Screaming meant I didn't jolt when she was stapling my wounds shut. I've been stabbed and stitched enough to know that much," I glared.The assistant had been walking her hands over my body during the process."You have been stabbed fourteen times," she muttered."You missed the one on the right foot," I corrected."You've been stabbed fifteen times? What do you do?" Sydney wondered."I date women. You are a surprisingly dangerous breed, even without the extreme training you ladies possess," I confessed. "To be concise, I have the bad habit of dating women and their friends, acquaintances, and even family members; usually without their knowledge. It always ends badly; thus the wounds.""You betray the women you sleep with?" the doctor stared."We could banter terms and expectations about, but essentially 'yes', I do," I sighed."You seemed like such a well-behaved male," the security guard looked confused."Huh? What does my love of sex have to do with my demeanor?" I mused."I've never beat a lover, or forced myself on a woman. If you want to hold my lack of forthrightness against me, please remember you are part of a secret society that embraces kidnapping, rape and slaughter as daily practices," I smiled. "Comparatively, me not telling one woman that I'm dating her neighbor is small potatoes.""We do what we do out of necessity," the doctor insisted."That flimsy excuse is about as useful as 'you wouldn't understand; you aren't a woman/amazon/nutty-nut bar," I shook my head. "I give up. Your society has equaled, if not exceeded, every inhuman deed men have ever committed.""Congratulations; you have become crueler and more depraved than your enemies," I lauded them."Because of your ignorance, I will let that outburst go unpunished," Sydney stated. I wised up and shut up.My shirt was returned and they had to synch a large towel around my waist because my jeans were ruined and they didn't have scrubs in my size. They gave me my bloody dockers too. Sydney walked me to the front entrance. By the looks of the women we passed they knew something had happened, if not the precise nature.Security's opportunity to 'get me' on the way out was stymied by Caitlyn  and  family, Desiree, Tigger, and Buffy hanging around. The moment Aya saw me, she called out my name and came running. The only thing worse than the pain of her impacting me would have been the look on her face if I warded her off. I caught her in my arms and lifted her up."Cáel," she exclaimed. "Does it hurt?" I kept lifting her until I blew loudly on her belly."Does that hurt?" I teased her."No," she giggled."Then I'm fine. Really now, I've been hurt worse by a splinter from a toothpick," I exaggerated for her."You are lying to me," Aya shook her finger in my face."The lesson being 'don't lie to winners'," I sighed."Yep," Aya mimicked me. "Is our date for tonight still going to happen?""Oh; Aya, I can't," I groaned. "I've got three smoking hot babes coming over tonight.""Don't make me punch you," Europa play-threatened. She and Loraine had sneaked up on me while I was entertaining Aya."I don't know," Loraine gave a cautious laugh. "I like being called a smoking hot babe.""Aya, I really like you, but do you always have to drag those two around with you?" I wiggled Aya up in the air. "It's kind of creepy." She giggled."Those are my sisters, Silly," she snickered. "They will be your daughters one day too.""Time for us to go," Caitlyn intervened. As she ushered her children away, she shot me a look over my shoulder that strongly suggested she wanted to play house. Desiree moved to within a meter of me and looked me up and down."You are an idiot," she remarked, turned and left. I looked to Buffy."I'm your ride," Buffy snorted. I hobbled to her."I'm glad you are okay," Tigger waved then followed Desiree out."Thanks for a great time," I looked over my shoulder at the Amazons. "As soon as my blood supply has replenished, I'll be sure to come back and play some more."We were in the car, exiting Doebridge when Buffy finally spoke."Why do you keep thinking you can keep getting away with talking like;” she was glaring at me. "Oh Goddess; you really are laughing at death. You really believe you are going to die, don't you?""Absolutely. The moment they started chanting I realized it was unlikely I'd get out of this experience alive," I admitted."Why are you holding us to the 78 day rule?" she asked."Recall what I said about backbone, Buffy?" I reminded her."I am attached to the lifestyle I've created and I'm not going to change it to scrape out a few more days of existence," I grinned. "I hold Havenstone to that countdown because I would do it if I thought I was going to be okay." A few more minutes passed. I tried to cut the radio on. Buffy kept cutting it off. I was getting sick of it and my annoyance was showing."Did you really tell the whole dome that you would sleep with me first?" she whispered."Of course," I replied. "I said that was my intention at work and I mean to keep to it.""What about Hayden?" she asked."Well, unless you agree to a three-way, I think this is going to be an issue we'll have to work around," I shrugged."I'm not even sure I like you," Buffy mumbled. "I want you. I am not sure I like you, though.""Buffy, that's fine," I murmured. I unbuckled my seatbelt and began twisting around in my seat. My thigh was killing me, but I was a man on a mission. I put my head in Buffy's lap, gazing up at her."What are you doing?" she grinned."Annoying you; taking advantage of you; take your pick," I smiled. We drove for a while.

Meet AmishZed an ex member of the Amish Mafia looking to turn his life around. He uses his horse powered PC to stream and edit videos of hisy favorite video game DayZ. Most of the videos are PvP or adventure style but he has been dipping his toe into making guide videos for the new players joining since 1.0 https://www.youtube.com/c/amishzed https://www.twitch.tv/amishzed https://twitter.com/AmishZed  @AmishZed   @DayZDevTeam  --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/tarducks-podcast/support

Rob and Lonzo talk LIV Tour, Amish Mafia, and National Signing Day

Episode 058: of the American Grown Podcast in the Colortech Creative Solutions studios with Erik Soulliard Filmmaker & Owner of Annubis Productions. Erik stopped by the studio today to share his story from working in a closet at CBS broadcasting in New York to owning his own production company.In this episode Erik goes in depth about his move from little old Lebanon to the BIG APPLE. Getting used to the hustle & bustle came as a shock compared to small-town USA. He lived through some tragic historical events while working in the city. After those events Erik & his wife Nancy had their fill of the big city and returned home to start a family. Once home he continued to pursue his acting, directing & producing career. If you're into thriller/horror movies, the Amish Mafia & a bts look at the movie making industry this episode is for you.-To learn more about Annubis Productions click here: https://www.annubisproductions.com-#ad this episode is brought to you by Triggered 22. Support a local veteran and help spread awareness for PTSD & #22aday.-#ad this episode is brought to you by Colortech Creative Solutions. Colortech Creative Solutions takes your creative projects from visualization to realization since 1980 while keeping your budget in mind.-Engage with us on Social media: IG- https://www.instagram.com/americangrownpodcast/ FB-https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100077655465940 or visits us at https://rss.com/podcasts/americangrownpodcast/

A blizzard, flickering power, stretch limos, and the biggest scavenger hunt ever… the 2Thicc and Reckless Crew are talking all things @bee_sports Shipshewana Card Fest! Manny scooped up a pretty big auto, Jeremy was cooking, and Courtney's scavenger hunt absolutely crushed. We also learned all about the Amish Mafia which we had no idea existed…. We hope you enjoy your hobby release.

This week, the MennoBrarians chat with Dirk Eitzen, professor of Media Studies at Franklin & Marshall College, and author of the newly released book, Fooling with The Amish: Amish Mafia, Entertaining Fakery, and the Evolution of Reality TV.  We chat about Amish Mafia, media literacy, Amish romance, social gossip, and the connections between all of these. We return frequently to questions around media lies / distortions of truth, and what harm (if any) these cause to the Amish, and to the media consumers. Order the book here, from  John Hopkins University PressDirk isn't on social media,  no links to promote!We always love hearing from listeners! You can reach us at plainwrongpod at gmail.com, or on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. If you want to help support the podcast financially, please consider joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/plainwrongpod or buying merch at TeePublic Follow us: Twitter: https://twitter.com/plainwrongpod Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/plainwrongpod/ Website: http://plainwrongpod.com/ “Just Plain Wrong” is produced, written and edited by Erin Milanese, Abby Nafziger and Matilda Yoder. Our intro music is played by Erin, and the outro by Miriam Augsburger. Both are "arrangements" of the Doxology from the Mennonite Hymnal. Logo design by Ida Yoder Short. Canva design (used for Social Media posts in Season 4 and following) by Abigail Adams.

We are back for week two of Angeline's picks, she chose Nathan For You and we watched Episode 1 on HBO Max and also the Dumb Starbucks episode.  Did Josh like this pick better than last week's?  We then go on to discuss loose buttholes, Metamucil, Christmas driving conditions, the Amish Mafia, Lucy Lawless, whether or not Angeline's rectum is inflamed and Josh's panty raid.Be sure to follow us on all social media @icbympodcast and if you would like to leave us a question or comment, please visit our website at www.icbympodcast.com

Cáel deals with wounds, lies and the clash of cultures.By FinalStand. Listen and subscribe to the podcast at Steamy Stories.The words ‘I love you’ inspires joy, relief and terror.I missed my entry to the infirmary. I was returned to clarity by the two female attendants. The younger went straight to cutting my left pants leg off while the oldest Amazon I’d seen to date began an excellent rendition of 'beef’ inspector while pretending to be a physician. It was almost hilarious when she looked to Sydney, addressing her in Old Kingdom Hittite.“Was he being disciplined, or did he do something stupid?”“I did something stupid,” I griped. “I showed up to work today.” Since it was their native tongue, both of the medical attendants’ eyes bugged out.“He volunteered to help Aya of Epona with her archery lessons by letting her shoot at a fruit out of his hand,” Sydney related.“This…this isn’t a wound caused by a practice arrow,” the physician observed.“No, that was from Leona of Marda. She attempted to kill him. When Leona threatened his controller, he presented himself for slaughter,” Sydney clarified. “Hayden stopped Leona, Leona disobeyed and we need to plan Leona’s funerary arrangements now.”“How did you come to speak our language?” the junior attendant asked. The tone of her voice and the look in her eyes was chilling and sensual at the same time. It was chilling because of the transformation she went through as I went from a piece of equipment to a close approximation of a human being in her eyes. I was getting tired.“Erotic poetry,” I humored her. “I had a lover some time ago - a scholar - who wanted to share Old King…Amazon love poetry and songs in the voices of their creators. I know multiple languages no longer spoken.”#Your eyes are stolen from the waterfalls descending from the highest mountains##Your hair robbed from the threads of the night sky##Your body is shaped by the Mother Rivers##Your beauty is the gift of the Goddess who knows both tears and love#I recited it in the original Chaldean Babylonian. They were all staring at me, so I translated it into Hittite. It didn’t flow as smoothly.“What language was that in?” the security guard inquired.“Chaldean Babylonian. It is a love poem from a prince to his dead wife,” I answered.“It was nice, even eloquent,” Sydney remarked.“Wow,” I sighed. “It is tragic to think not a single woman in this room has ever been romanced.”“I am pretty sure every woman in this room has been with a man before,” the security guard countered.“After sex, what did the two of you talk about?” I regarded her.“That’s not what we use men for,” the doctor spoke up while she began examining my wound. Pain. “We use artificial insemination and surrogates for procreation. Beyond directing them in our physical stimulation, there is no need to talk to men.”“Oh,” I mused sadly. “That makes sense and is richly rewarding to know. If I was more like the rest of you, I’d be laughing. Unfortunately, I have a heart and compassion, so I’ll pity you all instead.” The doctor didn’t take my honestly well. “Ow! Good bedside - Ow! - manner there, Doc.”“We don’t need your pity,” the security guard threatened.“Sure, but then I’ve not bred myself into extinction out of fear of cuddling either,” I grinned. “Treating men like livestock makes sense - if you are evil. You refused to allow yourselves to get attached to any male so it would be easier to kill us when our time came.”“Tread carefully,” Sydney cautioned me.“Okay Sydney. Since you are the only female present capable of having offspring, I’ll be good,” I got in my parting shot. By the silence in the room, I had hit the nail on the head. “I apologize for disturbing you ladies. I’ll be a good male and keep my mouth shut.”That declaration didn’t last long. Apparently pain-killers were not part of their medical credo. When I asked, the doctor implied I wasn’t hurt nearly enough - in other words, not being amputated or decapitated. I asked if being castrated would earn me a hammer to the head. They smiled. They thought I was a funny guy once more. It was the whole 'laugh at death’ mystique again.This tender, motherly moment was punctuated by the doctor’s application of the staple gun (instead of stitches) to both entry and exit wounds. Sydney offered to give me something to bite down on. I insisted on sharing my pain as I screamed my lungs out during the torturous procedure.“I thought you were a tough guy,” the security guard sneered.“And not screaming would have made me tough? Bitch, those are some fucked-up priorities. Screaming meant I didn’t jolt when she was stapling my wounds shut. I’ve been stabbed and stitched enough to know that much,” I glared.The assistant had been walking her hands over my body during the process.“You have been stabbed fourteen times,” she muttered.“You missed the one on the right foot,” I corrected.“You’ve been stabbed fifteen times? What do you do?” Sydney wondered.“I date women. You are a surprisingly dangerous breed, even without the extreme training you ladies possess,” I confessed. “To be concise, I have the bad habit of dating women and their friends, acquaintances, and even family members - usually without their knowledge. It always ends badly - thus the wounds.”“You betray the women you sleep with?” the doctor stared.“We could banter terms and expectations about, but essentially 'yes’, I do,” I sighed.“You seemed like such a well-behaved male,” the security guard looked confused.“Huh? What does my love of sex have to do with my demeanor?” I mused.“I’ve never beat a lover, or forced myself on a woman. If you want to hold my lack of forthrightness against me, please remember you are part of a secret society that embraces kidnapping, rape and slaughter as daily practices,” I smiled. “Comparatively, me not telling one woman that I’m dating her neighbor is small potatoes.”“We do what we do out of necessity,” the doctor insisted.“That flimsy excuse is about as useful as 'you wouldn’t understand; you aren’t a woman/amazon/nutty-nut bar,” I shook my head. “I give up. Your society has equaled, if not exceeded, every inhuman deed men have ever committed.”“Congratulations; you have become crueler and more depraved than your enemies,” I lauded them.“Because of your ignorance, I will let that outburst go unpunished,” Sydney stated. I wised up and shut up.My shirt was returned and they had to synch a large towel around my waist because my jeans were ruined and they didn’t have scrubs in my size. They gave me my bloody dockers too. Sydney walked me to the front entrance. By the looks of the women we passed they knew something had happened, if not the precise nature.Security’s opportunity to 'get me’ on the way out was stymied by Caitlyn & family, Desiree, Tigger, and Buffy hanging around. The moment Aya saw me, she called out my name and came running. The only thing worse than the pain of her impacting me would have been the look on her face if I warded her off. I caught her in my arms and lifted her up.“Cáel,” she exclaimed. “Does it hurt?” I kept lifting her until I blew loudly on her belly.“Does that hurt?” I teased her.“No,” she giggled.“Then I’m fine. Really now, I’ve been hurt worse by a splinter from a toothpick,” I exaggerated for her.“You are lying to me,” Aya shook her finger in my face.“The lesson being 'don’t lie to winners’,” I sighed.“Yep,” Aya mimicked me. “Is our date for tonight still going to happen?”“Oh…Aya, I can’t,” I groaned. “I’ve got three smoking hot babes coming over tonight.”“Don’t make me punch you,” Europa play-threatened. She and Loraine had sneaked up on me while I was entertaining Aya.“I don’t know,” Loraine gave a cautious laugh. “I like being called a smoking hot babe.”“Aya, I really like you, but do you always have to drag those two around with you?” I wiggled Aya up in the air. “It’s kind of creepy.” She giggled.“Those are my sisters, Silly,” she snickered. “They will be your daughters one day too.”“Time for us to go,” Caitlyn intervened. As she ushered her children away, she shot me a look over my shoulder that strongly suggested she wanted to play house. Desiree moved to within a meter of me and looked me up and down.“You are an idiot,” she remarked, turned and left. I looked to Buffy.“I’m your ride,” Buffy snorted. I hobbled to her.“I’m glad you are okay,” Tigger waved then followed Desiree out.“Thanks for a great time,” I looked over my shoulder at the Amazons. “As soon as my blood supply has replenished, I’ll be sure to come back and play some more.”We were in the car, exiting Doebridge when Buffy finally spoke.“Why do you keep thinking you can keep getting away with talking like…” she was glaring at me. “Oh Goddess…you really are laughing at death. You really believe you are going to die, don’t you?”“Absolutely. The moment they started chanting I realized it was unlikely I’d get out of this experience alive,” I admitted.“Why are you holding us to the 78 day rule?” she asked.“Recall what I said about backbone, Buffy?” I reminded her.“I am attached to the lifestyle I’ve created and I’m not going to change it to scrape out a few more days of existence,” I grinned. “I hold Havenstone to that countdown because I would do it if I thought I was going to be okay.” A few more minutes passed. I tried to cut the radio on. Buffy kept cutting it off. I was getting sick of it and my annoyance was showing.“Did you really tell the whole dome that you would sleep with me first?” she whispered.“Of course,” I replied. “I said that was my intention at work and I mean to keep to it.”“What about Hayden?” she asked.“Well, unless you agree to a three-way, I think this is going to be an issue we’ll have to work around,” I shrugged.“I’m not even sure I like you,” Buffy mumbled. “I want you. I am not sure I like you, though.”“Buffy, that’s fine,” I murmured. I unbuckled my seatbelt and began twisting around in my seat. My thigh was killing me, but I was a man on a mission. I put my head in Buffy’s lap, gazing up at her.“What are you doing?” she grinned.“Annoying you - taking advantage of you - take your pick,” I smiled. We drove for a while.“What are you thinking about?” Buffy gazed upon me warmly.“Picturing you in different colors and cuts of panties,” I told her. Buffy frowned then returned her focus to the road.“What is your favorite?” she inquired a few seconds later.“I’m torn,” I confessed. “I never seen you semi-nude so I have to do some imagining. How do black hipster lace panties sound?”“Not a thong?” I had her attention again.“Nah. You are like a chocolate covered cherry, Buffy,” I explained. “Those panties would be like the sweet sugar before you bite into the cherry. It tantalizes with the promise of something even better.” Silence for over ten minutes.“I hate you,” she gulped. She expressed that by tenderly stroking my face and hair.I drifted off to sleep shortly afterwards. It was the combination of lack of movement and the city’s static that brought me back. We were parked somewhere, Buffy gazing down at me with something that might have been confused with affection.“We are home,” she whispered. “Your home. I need to take you to your apartment.”On the third landing we took a breather. Being wrapped up by Buffy, I took a moment to whisper in her hear.#Your eyes are a molten river of gold, promising riches and a fiery death# I sang to her softly in Old Kingdom Hittite. It was original poetry.“What was that?” she smiled.“I’m not sure I can tell you,” I stifled a yawn. “This whole translation thing wasn’t explained to me. I can tell you it was a line of a love poem I created only for you.”“Oh…could you repeat it?” So I repeated it, quietly - this was still a secret language - on each landing until Buffy felt she got it right.Odette answered the door - oh joy. Buffy turned brittle angry while Odette drank in the whole scene.“Who is this?” Buffy snapped.“This is Odette. Odette, this if Buffy, one of my bosses.”“Buffy, Odette is the woman who brings solace to my nights, drives off the pains of the day and comforts me in the first lights of the morning with a smile and a word,” I said by way of introductions. I didn’t call her my girlfriend and still kept her happy.“Oh God, Cáel, what happened to you?” Odette worried.“An important life lesson,” I frowned. “Lawn darts and jello shots don’t mix.” I knew this to be true as I had something similar to this happen to a good friend. Since he was hit by a woman neither one of us 'was sleeping/had been sleeping’ with, we assumed she was intoxicated. We took him to the hospital then I fucked her in the parking lot.Later she, me and the victim had a three-way to ease her regrets. The next four three-ways were just because. Unfortunately, his girlfriend wasn’t as forgiving. Back in the hospital parking lot, once we knew he’d be okay, I fucked his girlfriend too. Yes, I am morally irreprehensible.“What really happened?” Odette fretted as she helped Buffy get me to the sofa.“He cheated on me so I marked him as my territory,” Buffy snarled.“But he’s your employee,” Odette gasped. “Isn’t that immoral?”“Immoral? Child, men exist solely to pleasure women and carry heavy things,” Buffy grumbled.“Carry heavy things…” Odette mused. “He’s carrying something heavy all the time,” she snickered.“I hate you,” Buffy snapped. I wasn’t sure who that was aimed at.“Why - wait, he’s not having sex with you, is he?” Odette sounded surprised. “Wow, you are really missing out.” Buffy gave off her nearly subsonic jaguar growl. “I haven’t had too much experience,” Odette blithely continued on, “but - Wow - I’m having orgasmic tremors up to eight hours after every nightlong sex session with Cáel. It’s wild.”Buffy grabbed my hair and twisted things until I was looking into her blazing hate/lust-filled eyes.“Monday morning - seven o'clock - you’re mine,” she growled. She turned to leave.“What? No good-bye hug?” I pleaded hopefully. I received a deep animalistic noise and a door slammed in our faces.“Odette, is there any way I could convince you for some 'intensive care’ sex?” I gave her puppy-dog eyes. Odette responded by helping me off the sofa and aiming us toward the bedroom. There was a loud pounding on the door.“Odette, stay here. She’s violently unstable,” I cautioned my buddy. I hobbled to the portal.“I want my hug,” Buffy glared as I opened the door.“Fine. Remember, this is purely platonic,” I kept it cool. “Now put your hands behind your back.”“What? No, I won’t,” she snarled.“Buffy, I’m sort of fragile right now and you are a big bully,” I cautioned her. Buffy’s whole body trembled. Had she spontaneously developed heat ray vision, my brain would have been incinerated on the spot. Buffy finally linked her hand behind her back. I gently pressed my body against hers, brushing her hair behind her shoulders then tilting her jaw up.“I don’t like making you unhappy, or disappointing you, Buffy,” I whispered. “I apologize.” I didn’t kiss her. That was technically against the rules. Slow, persistent puffs of breath played along her shoulder, neck ears, cheeks and forehead in lieu of my forbidden kiss. Buffy’s vexation at the lack of oral contact faded as the hot, moist sensations of my exhalations upon her flesh played out.She quickly caught on that she could tilt her neck around to offer up places she found especially enticing, eventually leading me to her cleavage.“Have a nice weekend,” I told her when I was done.“78 days…Cáel. 78 days,” Buffy’s eyes shone like solar flares of lust. She left.The door shut, I turned around and Odette gave me a horny, beseeching lament. She’d been masturbating while I had been not-kissing Buffy.“I need you,” she moaned. I limped her way.“I’m not sure…” I got out before she overwhelmed me.“I’ll help,” she squealed. She dragged me across the room before tossing me on my new bed. Hmmm…new sheets…and the room looked really clean…sex. Odette would hurt me, make amends then try even harder to make me happy. It wasn’t my best experience with sex, but far from my worst.For example: don’t let yourself get tied down when you suspect your bedmate is unhappy with you because she’s found out you’ve also been doing her friend. At least make sure her friend isn’t at home and in on the revenge too. Don’t apologize, beg for mercy, or say you love them. No, take your lumps like a man, admit you are lower than low, and that you deserve whatever they deem appropriate.A terrifying first night. The next two were among the best I ever had…until the next weekend.Odette helped me clean up and changed the sheets all by herself. She was a wonderful girl and I hoped she’d meet somebody who appreciated her and wasn’t like me. Odette informed me that Timothy and Nikita would be showing up around 4 pm.Timothy had also told her he and I had a double date tomorrow night so she promised to call me Monday to see how I was doing…and whatever. With a wink, Odette also passed along that Timothy claimed all the toys in my room were his, except for the bondage suspension gear - which was untried - hint, hint.Wait a second - wasn’t this the same girl who thought a lone dildo was pressing the sexual envelope on Thursday? I kissed Odette and sent her on her way. I noticed the Nerf gun. I contemplated hiding the damn annoyance then I realized he’d only shoot/throw something harder. I decided to wear my Havenstone t-shirt (one size too small) that came with my recruitment packet and some gym shorts because jeans and the wrapping on my thigh didn’t mesh.Nikita showed up first and a bit early. Maybe she was trying to catch me shooing another girl out the door. I didn’t ask.“Hey Nikita,” I greeted her with a kiss.“Hey Cáel - what happened!” she gasped, taking in my bandaging. I had thought about my response.“I was at an archery range this morning and was shot,” I related.“Did you report this?” she began her interrogation.“My insurance will cover this and 'no’, there is no police incident report,” I answered.“Why not?” she glared.“I work for the Amish Mafia, Nikita. If I talk to the cops, you are going to be looking for me under the next barn raising,” I joked. Nikita was not amused in the slightest.“We need to take care of this,” she demanded.“How about this - someone tried to murder me this morning. Not a single person I was with raised a finger to save me,” I exhaled.“I didn’t die for a few reasons. One is the three girls coming over here tonight. Another is that a few women find me charming enough to keep me around. Lastly, they know that I know I’m a corpse if I make a break for it,” I explained. “Now, I’d truly prefer you think I’m making this shit up to sound insane, or trying to impress you.”“You are not…insane, or making that shit up,” she muttered. “I still can’t date a criminal.”“Barring carrying an unauthorized firearm loaded with blanks, I’ve been good,” I grinned.“That’s a crime,” Nikita groaned then pressed into me. “Why do I put up with you?”“You are most likely the best woman I’ll ever meet?” I offered. She hugged me.“I’d say that you are only saying that to get into my pants except you’re desperately trying to not get into my pants,” she sighed. “How do I fix this?”“Fix? I’m not sure this can be fixed. If you want to help, remind me love is stronger than hate, no one is irredeemable, and people can change for the better,” I murmured.“I’ll try,” she gently and repeatedly kissed my shirt-covered chest. “I think you joke too much yet you’re terribly honest. When you said you had a 'plethora of bizarre knowledge, I laugh at danger and have an incessant desire to learn’ you weren’t kidding. I should have run out the door right then.”“I agree. I know you are normally smarter than this - staying with me,” I nodded.“You are not getting rid of me that easily,” Nikita went to her tippy-toes and kissed me on the lips. That’s right. I was not a stoner who liked to toke on the weekends. No, I was part of a massive criminal conspiracy that was involved in various malfeasances more often associated with The Hague than the FBI, or Interpol.Basically I was the opposite kind of man Nikita thought she wanted. I was verbally evasive, romantically unreliable, unethical and criminally involved. She wasn’t blind to my flaws, she was reevaluating her desires. Beyond the sex, which promised to be epic, she felt I was brave and compassionate, honest and caring; a lover who laughed at death.In her distant future, sitting on the sofa, watching TV, while her socially acceptable, ethical and reliable husband was on the computer and her children were asleep in bed, I was the type of man she would recall with a sensual curve to her lips and the fondest of erotic memories. She might even wonder if they’d ever find all my body parts, or the person, or persons, who finally did me in.In the short term that meant more sex for me. I knew I was trying to not have sex spoil my relations with Nikita. I was going to move mountains to keep this love affair on track. If I wasn’t nailing her by next Saturday, a good bet would be that the world had ended. This lack of sex was killing me. With my stress level skyrocketing, my libido was threatening to slip its leash.I’d already scoped out three dozen spots at Havenstone for some quick nookie. It wasn’t intentional. My perception automatically cataloged every place I went to on how safely, quietly, and comfortable having sex there would be. I don’t think most people appreciate how much restraint I showed by not screwing Katrina in her bathroom, Buffy on that bed, and Buffy and Helena in any number of places.The elevators…oh God, the elevators. I’d had sex with a total stranger riding an elevator in the Sears Tower. Every few seconds, we kept punching buttons for higher floors. Watching her greet her husband and two young daughters getting out of the lift was enchanting. I never considered the wife to be cheating though.She wasn’t leaving her family; she was indulging in a fantasy. That helped me through lunch. After all, I was there to catch up with a high school buddy and his sister…and her husband…and two daughters - whoops. In retrospect, I was probably drawn to her because she looked like her/his mother. Mom was kind of hot and freaky too.The lesson there was never go upstairs to take a shower and change, leaving me alone with your mother unless you want her to have a secret smile when you return. She was divorced so there was no moral quandary. Further rumination was forestalled by Timothy’s keys jingling in the door and coming in.“Brother, she’s still got her clothes on,” Timothy mocked me. “You are losing your touch.”“We are not having sex,” I protested.“We are not…this weekend,” Nikita blushed slightly. “Next week though…”“I’m holding out for next Saturday,” I informed them. Nikita hip-nudged me and I winced.“Oh, I’m sorry, Cáel,” Nikita steadied me.“Cáel, what the hell happened to you?” Timothy tilted over to see past Nikita and look over my bandaged thigh, which was now bleeding. Oh, come on. Don’t tell me 'girl on top’ sex voids the 'don’t engage in any strenuous activity for 48 hours’ warning?“Someone tried to murder him,” Nikita spoke for me.“Any lady I’ve met, a jealous lover, or some totally unrelated woman I haven’t encountered yet?” Timothy was less than sympathetic.“Why do you assume I was shot by a woman, or that it was even my fault?” I groaned.“In Atlantic City, the odds of you being mauled by a woman you’ve pissed off is considered a sure thing,” Timothy chuckled.“Crazy woman, you’ve never met her and I seriously doubt you ever will,” I told him. “She’d have shot my nuts off but she had these ridiculously large double-D breasts that got in…Ow!” I yelped as Nikita finger-stabbed one of my nerve clusters.“Come on, Nikita,” Timothy teased. “If Cáel doesn’t notice a woman’s breast size, check him for a pulse, or a concussion.”“Eyes front, Mister,” Nikita demanded. “If you’re looking anywhere it had better be at me.”“Wait a second,” I protested. “You are supposed to be my love slave.” Nikita smirked.“Who is the boss?” she patted my swelling cock through my shorts and talked to it. “Who’s the boss?” pat, pat, “That’s good boy,” she cooed. “He knows who the boss is,” Nikita smiled at me. What could I say? My cock was the Lying Son of a Bitch of all Lying Sons of Bitches. It lied to everybody, me included.The only thing it didn’t lie about was being horny, which was more like a continuous state of being for the damned thing anyway. I could have grappled her breasts, petted her kitty, and/or groaped her ass. It pays to know your date/target/victim (depending on how polite you want to be).My hands cupped her jaw with my fingers tickling her ears.“Are these lips mine?” I whispered before kissing her with only a tantalizing tip of the tongue. “Are these my lips,” I continued on and on.“Yes,” Nikita sighed happily, finally submitting.“Nikita, I’m about to shoot our boy,” Timothy muttered. “Let’s avoid a friendly fire episode.” Timothy went for his Nerf gun, I went for the kitchenette, or would have if Nikita hadn’t stopped me.“Oh, come on,” I pleaded.“No,” Nikita smiled, “I don’t know what you did, but I’m sure you deserve it.” Wack - Nerf hit.“Fine,” I muttered. “Since I’m clearly not getting any sympathy, why don’t we go get the car now?”“I’ll go get the girls, Cáel,” Nikita suggested. “You should stay off your feet.”“Trust me, that will not work,” I said. Thankfully, no one contested me on that. They took one look at the blood soaking through my bandages and cut me some slack.Getting the rental car was interesting. I had to convince Nikita her personal vehicle wouldn’t cut it in our destination neighborhood. Halfway to the pick-up, something dangerous occurred to me.“Desiree, I need to warn Caitlyn I’m bringing over a lady with a gun,” I made a panicky call to the boss most likely know Caitlyn’s number.“Who?” she snapped.“NYPD Patrolwoman Nikita Kutuzov,” I supplied the name.“You are an idiot,” Desiree stated then hung up.“What was that all about?” Nikita stared suspiciously…again.“The family we are going to is security conscious to the level they will want to verify you are who you say you are,” I explained. They weren’t likely to kill her, or us. Caitlyn simply wouldn’t let me in, or let the girls out, which would be a sucky thing to explain if the opportunity to even see the girls ever arose again.“Do I need to inform my precinct that I’m stopping by this house?” Nikita questioned me.“I wouldn’t think so,” I said. “I also wouldn’t have thought I’d be shot with an arrow this morning either. Do what you think is best.” Nikita called in her itinerary. Once we made it to the children’s place, she insisted helping me to the door. Caitlyn answered with the kids closely behind her, luggage in hand.“Ladies, this is Officer Nikita Kutuzov of the NYPD. She will be our chaperone for the night,” I introduced my companion.“Cáel,” Caitlyn asked after she pulled me into a side room, “who is this woman?”“She is the daughter of the desk sergeant I met at the police station last Monday night/early Tuesday morning when Desiree and I showed up to get Marilyn,” I informed her.“I’ve dated her two times - no sex - and we are getting along okay,” I added.“No sex?” Caitlyn purred. “Saving yourself up for something?” I looked over my shoulder and saw three faces peaking in.“Please stop taunting me, Caitlyn,” I murmured. “The children are watching and I have to get going.” She pressed up against me, gave me a wink then returned me to the hallway.“Children, behave and I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon,” Caitlyn smiled. “Cáel - Daddy, have a good time.” Aya was as happy as a clam, Europa was amused, Loraine was a bit sullen and Nikita was stiff as a board. The presence of Nikita, the outsider, kept conversation to a minimum on the ride over. Europa broke the silence as we entered my building.“Gosh Cáel, you are poor,” she noted.“That’s rude,” was Nikita’s rebuttal.“What do you know about Cáel,” Loraine boiled over with anger. Nikita turned on her.“I know you are the reason I’m here, Loraine,” Nikita locked eyes with her. “You are pretty so I’m here to make sure he behaves.”“She doesn’t want him to behave,” Europa teased. Loraine shot Europa an evil look.“I want Cáel to be our Daddy,” Aya piped up. “So does Mommy.”“I had that impression too,” Nikita’s smile to me was frosty.“Well, I plan to be single for at least three more years,” I declared.“Great!” Loraine exulted.“Good luck with that,” Europa mocked me.“I can wait that long,” Aya added.“It will be a miracle if you live that long,” muttered Nikita.“Cáel was shot saving my life today - me and my family,” Aya got out.“Aya - no!” snapped Loraine. “We are not to talk about it.”“I’m a police officer, you can tell me,” Nikita tried to corner Aya.“She is a, (then she used a dead word,” Loraine stated.It was Old Kingdom Hittite for 'masked ghost’. 'Ghost’ could also mean 'evil spirit’. I postulated that was the Amazon term for non-Amazonian women.“What does that mean?” Nikita scanned the group.“It means we are not going to talk about it, concentrating on having a good night instead. Okay?” I stressed.Nikita backed off, we made it to my place and made the introductions with Timothy. Once they got past the fact that he was gay - their problem was not with homosexuality; it was with males wasting their sexual potential not making babies - they thought he was wonderful. My roommate caught me flat-footed when he reminded the girls that they should wear their pj’s on a sleep over.Off they raced into the bedroom, dragging a reluctant Nikita along, to get changed.“Dude,” I said in a hushed voice. “What have I ever done to you?”“Nothing,” he snickered, “I’m being petty.” He went off to change as well. I was already in a t-shirt and shorts. I really didn’t need to change.Nikita’s countenance was one of fury etched in stone. It appeared that Amazonian sleepwear consisted of a beige half-vest, panties and a short, short skirt. It was somewhat endearing on Aya. I wasn’t going to go there with Europa. My brain was having none of that avoidance with Loraine though. God, she was scrumptious…and so very out of bounds.Nikita was in a plaid sleeping shirt than came down to her knees. I was trying to keep it together when Timothy came out in black boy-shorts.“Wow, Nikita. I had a shirt like that…when I was ten. You make it look…” he ended up laughing. The look Nikita gave Timothy was blistering.Aya came up to one side, knelt on the sofa where I was sitting, and hugged my head to her bosom. Europa plopped down on the other side. Loraine hopped into my lap.“Oh…is that your…?” Loraine gasped.“That’s his nothing!” Nikita yanked Loraine off my lap, “that you need to know about at your tender age.”“What is wrong with you people?” Nikita complained.“Don’t look at me. I’ve been sitting on the sofa the entire time,” I waved off responsibility.“We are not ashamed of our bodies,” Loraine shot back. “Don’t take out the fact that you aren’t pretty as me, my sisters, or our Cáel.”“Cáel, don’t tell me you find this manner of dress acceptable?” Nikita glared.“If they are comfortable with it, who am I to complain?” I shrugged.“She’s nine!” Nikita pointed at Aya who smiled back.“Damn Nikita, trust me a bit, why don’t ya? I am well aware of women’s ages,” I sighed.“Do you want me to dress like they do?” she stared accusingly.“That would be pretty nice,” I smiled letting my lust sneak through.“Hold on,” Timothy grinned. I was in trouble. “When I helped Cáel move in I saw he had a huge box full of women’s clothes - not in his size. He’s not a cross dresser.”Gee - thanks Timothy, you right bastard.“What is a cross dresser?” Aya piped up. I groaned.“A cross dresser is a man who dresses up like a woman,” Nikita provided. “A Drag Queen is a man who dresses up like a famous woman/actress/singer. A transvestite is a man who dresses like a woman because they want to be a woman.”“Have you ever dressed like a woman, Cáel?” Europe inquired.“Yeah,” I grinned. “I did a burlesque review one year and dressed up like a pole dancer at a friend’s bachelorette party.”“Really?” Loraine and Nikita both perked up.“What’s are pole dancers and what’s burlesque?” Aya mused.“Hmmm…I was in a burlesque troupe for a South Sudan relief charity event,” I recited. “Burlesque dancers were really racy clothing - kind of like what you have on right now, Aya. I was a pole dancer at my friend’s bachelorette party because I owed her for some past mistakes.”“Aya, pole dancers where bikini style clothing and do erotic acrobatics with a ceiling to floor pole, thus pole dancing,” I explained.“Can we see you do that?” Loraine and Europa closed in. “Sometime soon?”“Past mistakes?” Nikita glared.“Yes, past mistakes,” I sighed. “I slept with her, her best friend, her mother and her younger sister. She stabbed me here,” I pointed to a faded scar on my left triceps. “We hooked up again later, but things didn’t work out that time either,” I pointed to the scar on my foot.“You didn’t have her arrested? Worse, you took her back so she could stab you again?” Nikita shook her head negatively.“I was the one who made her angry,” I shrugged, “plus the sex was passionate.”“Those are scars of sexual animus,” Loraine purred. “You must be tremendously delectable to incite such a reaction.” She gave off her own predatory rumblings.“Loraine, the man cheated on these women. This is not what you look for in a sex partner,” Nikita lectured.“What do you mean?” Europa looked Nikita’s way. “I want a man that other women desire. It makes the conflict and resulting conquest all the more praiseworthy.”“You are thirteen,” the policewoman reminded Europa. “You don’t need to be thinking about men, especially treating men like conquests.”Timothy came out of my room with a large cardboard packing box - full of clothes - women’s clothes.“What the?” Nikita blanched. Europa and Loraine swarmed the goodies while Aya snuggled in tighter to my side.“I’ve never heard my Mother, or Aunts, talk about a male the way they talk about you,” Aya whispered into my ear in Old Kingdom Hittite. “They really like you - as a person.”“You referred to Desiree as your Aunt today,” I quietly spoke. “Is that the first time you’ve acknowledged her as family."No; I did it once before when I was six and Momma was very angry. Grandmother Sylvia was the Heir to House Epona when she ran away,” Aya informed me. “All of this happened before I was born. Great-grandmother was very angry with her sisters and Momma. When they brought Aunt Desiree back, they were all wanted to kill Desiree except Aunt Katrina.”“Katrina fought and killed Great-grandmother so Desiree was allowed to live. The other women still won’t call Desiree 'aunt’ or 'sister’ though,” Aya finished.“You did,” I reminded Aya.“I’m not going to make it, am I Cáel?” Aya suddenly looked so small and vulnerable. “I know you will honest with me.”I wasn’t sure where the honest part came from.“Why do you think you won’t make your trial in three years?” I inquired. I wanted to know where she stood mentally.“I’m small and weak. My mind gets excited and confused too easily. It took a man risking his life for me to make me concentrate hard enough to hit the target this morning. I’m not going to make it,” she moaped.“You do realize you are asking for sympathy from the only male inside Havenstone who speaks your lingo and everyone will know by Monday,” I tweaked her nose. “I’ve been beaten up, shot with an arrow, faced numerous death threats as well as enslavement plus being stun-gunned half to death and given a truth serum that set my body on fire - figuratively speaking - all in my first week.”“Your life expectancy is under three years, Aya, but mine is at 77 days and counting down,” I gave her a weak grin. “I’m not going to feel sorry for you. Aya has a dozen people who love and support her - me included. She’s a winner. Me? All I’ve got is a whiny munchkin with delusions of self-pity. That would be you, in case you missed it.” Aya hugged me.“That’s why I love you,” she whispered into my ear. “You are really my friend. You turn my mistakes into victories, Cáel. You treat me like you would any other nine-year old girl.”“Cáel Nyilas, what is all this?” Nikita glared at me. She was holding up a bundle of women’s undergarments.“Clean underwear of the female variety,” I grinned broadly.“Wow,” Loraine exclaimed. “There is not much to this one at all,” she held up a lacy white thong. “Do you want to see me wearing this…and a smile?” she invited me with her eyes.“Actually Loraine, those are Timothy’s,” I lied. She looked poleaxed.“Bro, those wouldn’t hide my balls, much less my dick,” Timothy laughed.“Guys!” snapped Nikita. “Try to remember this is a teenage girl sleep-over, not a frat party.”“Nikita, calm down,” Europa tapped the cop’s shoulder. “I think we’ve all seen a naked man before, unless you haven’t. Why don’t you try some of these on? Some are in your size.”“Women don’t put on other women’s underwear,” Nikita stated. “It is unsanitary.”“But he washed them,” Europa countered.“That’s not the point,” Nikita groaned.“Well, I’m going to try some on and see how Cael likes them,” Loraine proclaimed.“Me too!” Europa stood up.“Me three!” Aya tried to jump up but I held her at my side.“No you don’t,” I tickled her. “You need to stay here with me on the sofa to make sure I behave and Officer Nikita doesn’t have to shoot me.”Aya stayed with me; Loraine and Europa grabbed up some of the clothes and fled to my bedroom, pursued hotly by Nikita. Timothy settled in on the other side of Aya.“Hey there,” he rumbled. “You are as cute as Cáel said you were.”“Thank you,” Aya gave her warmest smile to him. “You have really big muscles.”“I work out a lot and eat children for breakfast to stay in shape,” he teased.“Bad children taste better with ketchup,” Aya chirped without missing a beat.“Do you have any eighteen year old, or older, brothers as cute as you?” Timothy rustled Aya’s hair.“We don’t have brothers,” Aya informed him. Timothy shot me an inquisitive look. My visual response indicated he should wait for an explanation later. We opted to tickle Aya instead then Timothy followed that with airplane spins and we ended up doing Aya-tosses. Yes, we tossed the future of House Epona, squealing, across the length of our living room, caught her then threw her back.The ladies came out of my room. Loraine was flabbergasted, Europa was jealous and Nikita was livid. They were also all wearing various pieces of flimsy female attire. You see, when a woman dumps you in a screaming fit, they take their coats, pants and shoes - it gets cold in New Hampshire.The often forget shorts, pajamas, panties, bras and light shirts. This resulted in my 'collection’ of women’s things to be biased toward bedroom/house casual attire.“Me next!” Europa begged.“Put her down right now!” Nikita demanded.“Cáel, I’m scared,” Loraine faux-sniffled. “Hold me.” That would have been bad in all kinds of ways. Loraine had picked up a cotton candy colored bra and panty set - from a nice girl - liked to walk around my room in just that and the matching pair of 6 inch heels…which were also in the box.“No!” Nikita grabbed Loraine’s bra strap to impede her progress. Europa slipped past Nikita right as Timothy was putting the exhilarated Aya down. For a child handled like glass most of her life, I could tell the thrill of our roughhousing was reaching deep into Aya’s heart. She didn’t know that she was still being treated differently than other nine year-olds because being something new was good enough.From my point of view, I was a good boy. I stopped and gawked at Nikita. Sure, she was wearing forest green boy shorts and matching sports bra, but this was as naked as I’d ever seen her. Her body was pale white unlike Loraine’s, which had a faint tan. This did two thing; disappointed Loraine and caused Nikita a terrible conflict of emotions.Oh, I was still a pig who mostly thought of women as sex objects - but she was the current subject of my porcine desires so I was suddenly more acceptable, or at least, forgivable. My reaction had an unexpected benefit. Nikita remembered that she was here to be a chaperone, not a den mother.“Loraine, if he drooled at you like that, he knows I would shoot him,” she tapped the younger woman.“But I’m wearing less,” Loraine turned around to face Nikita. Now Nikita was the 'worldly’ woman lecturing the one blossoming into womanhood - Thank God!Women ganging up on you isn’t always a bad thing and them fighting over you isn’t always a good thing. If they fight over you, the winner may still hold you responsible for what happened = no sex. When they settle those issues internally, they are more likely to ignore your flaws to get what they want, namely your attention and body.Anybody who thinks girls don’t want sex as much as a guy has never been shoved into a dark closet with a female total stranger. If you aren’t quick, she’ll have your cock in her mouth before you can get under her bra - just saying.“Sometimes you get more out of teasing a man than showing him too much,” Nikita taught Loraine.“What do you think?” Loraine turned back to me.“What? Huh? I think you two are two too many,” I gulped. “I’m going to stand in front of the freezer for a bit.” Loraine grinned then turned and shared a special look with Nikita - metamorphosis complete. They were now women, neither Amazon nor outsider.“No you don’t,” Europa insisted. “I want to take an 'Aya’ flight,” she referred to Timothy and me tossing Aya across the admittedly small living room. Timothy easily hefted a giggling Europa up in an arm curl.“We can do this,” Timothy grinned at me. “She’s light enough.”Timothy knew how much weight he regularly lifted and how that rated against my slightly lesser bench press. I took his word for it that I could catch a thrown Europa with only one good leg. The doorbell rang and a stillness seized the room.“Timothy, take Europa to the kitchen,” I hissed. “Loraine, Aya - to the bedroom. Nikita - gun.” People scrambled. Once they were done, I began to stump to the door. The bell rang again because I was taking a while and the person at the door was impatient. I looked out the peephole and what I saw chilled me. Not opening the door wasn’t an option - double negative - ugh.“Hello Elsa,” I glared. She had two buddies, all from the Security Detail. “What can I do for you?”“This is a spot inspection on the Ruger girls,” she informed me.“I didn’t receive any notification of this,” I narrowed my gaze.“That’s why it’s called a spot inspection, you idiot,” Elsa sneered.“Well, that’s not going to happen,” I took a deep breath. “Anything else I can 'not’ do for you?”“Don’t you recall what I said when we met the first time at Katrina’s office?” Elsa smirked.“Since my death will be rapidly followed by yours, I’ll accept the trade,” I grinned.Elsa tried to look past me.“The woman has a gun?” Elsa wondered.“She’s a police officer with a submitted itinerary,” I smiled. “Is there anything else you need to know?”“I will see the girls,” Elsa insisted.“Elsa, here are your options. You can storm the room and you and your team will most likely die. You can leave. Or, you can strip down under my watchful eye. If I am satisfied you have no weapons, you, and you alone, can come in and see the girls. How’s that?”“You don’t dictate conditions to me,” Elsa hissed.“You do what you like. This door closes in ten seconds,” I shrugged.“Girls! Present yourself,” Elsa commanded in Old Kingdom Hittite.“No!” Aya shouted back a second later in the same tongue. “And leave my Daddy alone.”I heard a drawer open in the kitchen.“The knives are in the bloc on the counter,” I heard Timothy give Europa directions. It must have been her looking for a weapon.“Loraine,” Elsa snapped, “stop this madness.”“Elsa, Officer Nikita and me are arguing if I can use her back up-piece, or not,” Loraine responded. “Elsa, I have known and respected you all of my life. If you kill Officer Nikita, I will pick up her weapon and shoot you. Cáel is only doing what a Father would do for his offspring - defending us.”“How about this?” Europa, out of sight in the kitchenette, showed Timothy something.“Utility knife - good choice,” Timothy remarked.“What have you done to these girls?” Elsa seethed.“I…I can’t say anything that would make a damn bit of difference to you, Elsa. You are willfully blind and I’m too hurt and tired to give a damn anymore.”“3…2…1…” I counted down.“Fine, I’ll submit to a search,” Elsa grumbled. Oh, this was going to be fun. This wasn’t what I had purposed. It didn’t matter. She was here to see me, not the kids. I knew that look. I didn’t even ask to take off her clothes. I started, she looked absolutely outraged and she was also juicy enough to slake any man’s, or lesbian’s, thirst.The two other security types started out angry then slowly evolved into a guarded curiosity.“Is this really necessary?” Elsa groused as I took off her belt. I showed her the garrote I found in the folds of the leather accessory. She refused to be apologetic in the least. Beyond the obvious weapons, she had the garrote, 8 small knives and a back-up pistol holstered at the small of her back.Feeling inside Elsa’s bra earned me three dirty looks. I wasn’t actually looking for weapons. Her tits looked nice, so I copped a free feel. I’m a pig. Running my hands around inside her panties earned me a death warrant, no doubt. I kept Elsa’s arousal to myself. Sticking a finger inside her didn’t count as a violation of my 77 day deadline because…I’d make up something later.“Come on,” I beckoned Elsa to follow me. She reached down to pick up her clothes. “No you don’t,’ I insisted. "I can’t be sure I missed something sown into the fabric so you come as you are.” This wasn’t done out of concern for the girls’ safety. This was done because Elsa looked even hotter in her aqua French cut panties and matching sports bra. Oink.Only when I pushed the door open did Elsa and company realize I’d never closed the portal fully. Contrary to the evidence, I wasn’t suicidal. If something had gone bad in the hallway, I was planning to throw my body inside and pray for Nikita to provide me cover fire so I could crawl to the kitchenette.Once we were inside, I shut and deadbolt-locked the door. Nikita and Timothy peeked out first.“You go Bro,” Timothy chuckled. “She’s not here five minutes and you have her out of her clothes. My faith in you is renewed.” Nikita’s reaction was a bit different.“Did you search inside her bra and panties too?” was her icy insinuation of my pig-atude.“Yes he did,” Elsa snarled at Nikita. Oh, this would be a real bitch-fest. I was 'saved’ by the appearance of the three girls. Elsa’s gaze wandered from Loraine to Europa to me. “What is the meaning of this?” That had to be about the lingerie.“Yeah,” Nikita glared at me too. “That’s what I asked him.”“These are his trophies from some of his female conquests,” Lo

Cáel deals with wounds, lies and the clash of cultures.By FinalStand. Listen and subscribe to the podcast at Steamy Stories.The words ‘I love you’ inspires joy, relief and terror.I missed my entry to the infirmary. I was returned to clarity by the two female attendants. The younger went straight to cutting my left pants leg off while the oldest Amazon I’d seen to date began an excellent rendition of 'beef’ inspector while pretending to be a physician. It was almost hilarious when she looked to Sydney, addressing her in Old Kingdom Hittite.“Was he being disciplined, or did he do something stupid?”“I did something stupid,” I griped. “I showed up to work today.” Since it was their native tongue, both of the medical attendants’ eyes bugged out.“He volunteered to help Aya of Epona with her archery lessons by letting her shoot at a fruit out of his hand,” Sydney related.“This…this isn’t a wound caused by a practice arrow,” the physician observed.“No, that was from Leona of Marda. She attempted to kill him. When Leona threatened his controller, he presented himself for slaughter,” Sydney clarified. “Hayden stopped Leona, Leona disobeyed and we need to plan Leona’s funerary arrangements now.”“How did you come to speak our language?” the junior attendant asked. The tone of her voice and the look in her eyes was chilling and sensual at the same time. It was chilling because of the transformation she went through as I went from a piece of equipment to a close approximation of a human being in her eyes. I was getting tired.“Erotic poetry,” I humored her. “I had a lover some time ago - a scholar - who wanted to share Old King…Amazon love poetry and songs in the voices of their creators. I know multiple languages no longer spoken.”#Your eyes are stolen from the waterfalls descending from the highest mountains##Your hair robbed from the threads of the night sky##Your body is shaped by the Mother Rivers##Your beauty is the gift of the Goddess who knows both tears and love#I recited it in the original Chaldean Babylonian. They were all staring at me, so I translated it into Hittite. It didn’t flow as smoothly.“What language was that in?” the security guard inquired.“Chaldean Babylonian. It is a love poem from a prince to his dead wife,” I answered.“It was nice, even eloquent,” Sydney remarked.“Wow,” I sighed. “It is tragic to think not a single woman in this room has ever been romanced.”“I am pretty sure every woman in this room has been with a man before,” the security guard countered.“After sex, what did the two of you talk about?” I regarded her.“That’s not what we use men for,” the doctor spoke up while she began examining my wound. Pain. “We use artificial insemination and surrogates for procreation. Beyond directing them in our physical stimulation, there is no need to talk to men.”“Oh,” I mused sadly. “That makes sense and is richly rewarding to know. If I was more like the rest of you, I’d be laughing. Unfortunately, I have a heart and compassion, so I’ll pity you all instead.” The doctor didn’t take my honestly well. “Ow! Good bedside - Ow! - manner there, Doc.”“We don’t need your pity,” the security guard threatened.“Sure, but then I’ve not bred myself into extinction out of fear of cuddling either,” I grinned. “Treating men like livestock makes sense - if you are evil. You refused to allow yourselves to get attached to any male so it would be easier to kill us when our time came.”“Tread carefully,” Sydney cautioned me.“Okay Sydney. Since you are the only female present capable of having offspring, I’ll be good,” I got in my parting shot. By the silence in the room, I had hit the nail on the head. “I apologize for disturbing you ladies. I’ll be a good male and keep my mouth shut.”That declaration didn’t last long. Apparently pain-killers were not part of their medical credo. When I asked, the doctor implied I wasn’t hurt nearly enough - in other words, not being amputated or decapitated. I asked if being castrated would earn me a hammer to the head. They smiled. They thought I was a funny guy once more. It was the whole 'laugh at death’ mystique again.This tender, motherly moment was punctuated by the doctor’s application of the staple gun (instead of stitches) to both entry and exit wounds. Sydney offered to give me something to bite down on. I insisted on sharing my pain as I screamed my lungs out during the torturous procedure.“I thought you were a tough guy,” the security guard sneered.“And not screaming would have made me tough? Bitch, those are some fucked-up priorities. Screaming meant I didn’t jolt when she was stapling my wounds shut. I’ve been stabbed and stitched enough to know that much,” I glared.The assistant had been walking her hands over my body during the process.“You have been stabbed fourteen times,” she muttered.“You missed the one on the right foot,” I corrected.“You’ve been stabbed fifteen times? What do you do?” Sydney wondered.“I date women. You are a surprisingly dangerous breed, even without the extreme training you ladies possess,” I confessed. “To be concise, I have the bad habit of dating women and their friends, acquaintances, and even family members - usually without their knowledge. It always ends badly - thus the wounds.”“You betray the women you sleep with?” the doctor stared.“We could banter terms and expectations about, but essentially 'yes’, I do,” I sighed.“You seemed like such a well-behaved male,” the security guard looked confused.“Huh? What does my love of sex have to do with my demeanor?” I mused.“I’ve never beat a lover, or forced myself on a woman. If you want to hold my lack of forthrightness against me, please remember you are part of a secret society that embraces kidnapping, rape and slaughter as daily practices,” I smiled. “Comparatively, me not telling one woman that I’m dating her neighbor is small potatoes.”“We do what we do out of necessity,” the doctor insisted.“That flimsy excuse is about as useful as 'you wouldn’t understand; you aren’t a woman/amazon/nutty-nut bar,” I shook my head. “I give up. Your society has equaled, if not exceeded, every inhuman deed men have ever committed.”“Congratulations; you have become crueler and more depraved than your enemies,” I lauded them.“Because of your ignorance, I will let that outburst go unpunished,” Sydney stated. I wised up and shut up.My shirt was returned and they had to synch a large towel around my waist because my jeans were ruined and they didn’t have scrubs in my size. They gave me my bloody dockers too. Sydney walked me to the front entrance. By the looks of the women we passed they knew something had happened, if not the precise nature.Security’s opportunity to 'get me’ on the way out was stymied by Caitlyn & family, Desiree, Tigger, and Buffy hanging around. The moment Aya saw me, she called out my name and came running. The only thing worse than the pain of her impacting me would have been the look on her face if I warded her off. I caught her in my arms and lifted her up.“Cáel,” she exclaimed. “Does it hurt?” I kept lifting her until I blew loudly on her belly.“Does that hurt?” I teased her.“No,” she giggled.“Then I’m fine. Really now, I’ve been hurt worse by a splinter from a toothpick,” I exaggerated for her.“You are lying to me,” Aya shook her finger in my face.“The lesson being 'don’t lie to winners’,” I sighed.“Yep,” Aya mimicked me. “Is our date for tonight still going to happen?”“Oh…Aya, I can’t,” I groaned. “I’ve got three smoking hot babes coming over tonight.”“Don’t make me punch you,” Europa play-threatened. She and Loraine had sneaked up on me while I was entertaining Aya.“I don’t know,” Loraine gave a cautious laugh. “I like being called a smoking hot babe.”“Aya, I really like you, but do you always have to drag those two around with you?” I wiggled Aya up in the air. “It’s kind of creepy.” She giggled.“Those are my sisters, Silly,” she snickered. “They will be your daughters one day too.”“Time for us to go,” Caitlyn intervened. As she ushered her children away, she shot me a look over my shoulder that strongly suggested she wanted to play house. Desiree moved to within a meter of me and looked me up and down.“You are an idiot,” she remarked, turned and left. I looked to Buffy.“I’m your ride,” Buffy snorted. I hobbled to her.“I’m glad you are okay,” Tigger waved then followed Desiree out.“Thanks for a great time,” I looked over my shoulder at the Amazons. “As soon as my blood supply has replenished, I’ll be sure to come back and play some more.”We were in the car, exiting Doebridge when Buffy finally spoke.“Why do you keep thinking you can keep getting away with talking like…” she was glaring at me. “Oh Goddess…you really are laughing at death. You really believe you are going to die, don’t you?”“Absolutely. The moment they started chanting I realized it was unlikely I’d get out of this experience alive,” I admitted.“Why are you holding us to the 78 day rule?” she asked.“Recall what I said about backbone, Buffy?” I reminded her.“I am attached to the lifestyle I’ve created and I’m not going to change it to scrape out a few more days of existence,” I grinned. “I hold Havenstone to that countdown because I would do it if I thought I was going to be okay.” A few more minutes passed. I tried to cut the radio on. Buffy kept cutting it off. I was getting sick of it and my annoyance was showing.“Did you really tell the whole dome that you would sleep with me first?” she whispered.“Of course,” I replied. “I said that was my intention at work and I mean to keep to it.”“What about Hayden?” she asked.“Well, unless you agree to a three-way, I think this is going to be an issue we’ll have to work around,” I shrugged.“I’m not even sure I like you,” Buffy mumbled. “I want you. I am not sure I like you, though.”“Buffy, that’s fine,” I murmured. I unbuckled my seatbelt and began twisting around in my seat. My thigh was killing me, but I was a man on a mission. I put my head in Buffy’s lap, gazing up at her.“What are you doing?” she grinned.“Annoying you - taking advantage of you - take your pick,” I smiled. We drove for a while.“What are you thinking about?” Buffy gazed upon me warmly.“Picturing you in different colors and cuts of panties,” I told her. Buffy frowned then returned her focus to the road.“What is your favorite?” she inquired a few seconds later.“I’m torn,” I confessed. “I never seen you semi-nude so I have to do some imagining. How do black hipster lace panties sound?”“Not a thong?” I had her attention again.“Nah. You are like a chocolate covered cherry, Buffy,” I explained. “Those panties would be like the sweet sugar before you bite into the cherry. It tantalizes with the promise of something even better.” Silence for over ten minutes.“I hate you,” she gulped. She expressed that by tenderly stroking my face and hair.I drifted off to sleep shortly afterwards. It was the combination of lack of movement and the city’s static that brought me back. We were parked somewhere, Buffy gazing down at me with something that might have been confused with affection.“We are home,” she whispered. “Your home. I need to take you to your apartment.”On the third landing we took a breather. Being wrapped up by Buffy, I took a moment to whisper in her hear.#Your eyes are a molten river of gold, promising riches and a fiery death# I sang to her softly in Old Kingdom Hittite. It was original poetry.“What was that?” she smiled.“I’m not sure I can tell you,” I stifled a yawn. “This whole translation thing wasn’t explained to me. I can tell you it was a line of a love poem I created only for you.”“Oh…could you repeat it?” So I repeated it, quietly - this was still a secret language - on each landing until Buffy felt she got it right.Odette answered the door - oh joy. Buffy turned brittle angry while Odette drank in the whole scene.“Who is this?” Buffy snapped.“This is Odette. Odette, this if Buffy, one of my bosses.”“Buffy, Odette is the woman who brings solace to my nights, drives off the pains of the day and comforts me in the first lights of the morning with a smile and a word,” I said by way of introductions. I didn’t call her my girlfriend and still kept her happy.“Oh God, Cáel, what happened to you?” Odette worried.“An important life lesson,” I frowned. “Lawn darts and jello shots don’t mix.” I knew this to be true as I had something similar to this happen to a good friend. Since he was hit by a woman neither one of us 'was sleeping/had been sleeping’ with, we assumed she was intoxicated. We took him to the hospital then I fucked her in the parking lot.Later she, me and the victim had a three-way to ease her regrets. The next four three-ways were just because. Unfortunately, his girlfriend wasn’t as forgiving. Back in the hospital parking lot, once we knew he’d be okay, I fucked his girlfriend too. Yes, I am morally irreprehensible.“What really happened?” Odette fretted as she helped Buffy get me to the sofa.“He cheated on me so I marked him as my territory,” Buffy snarled.“But he’s your employee,” Odette gasped. “Isn’t that immoral?”“Immoral? Child, men exist solely to pleasure women and carry heavy things,” Buffy grumbled.“Carry heavy things…” Odette mused. “He’s carrying something heavy all the time,” she snickered.“I hate you,” Buffy snapped. I wasn’t sure who that was aimed at.“Why - wait, he’s not having sex with you, is he?” Odette sounded surprised. “Wow, you are really missing out.” Buffy gave off her nearly subsonic jaguar growl. “I haven’t had too much experience,” Odette blithely continued on, “but - Wow - I’m having orgasmic tremors up to eight hours after every nightlong sex session with Cáel. It’s wild.”Buffy grabbed my hair and twisted things until I was looking into her blazing hate/lust-filled eyes.“Monday morning - seven o'clock - you’re mine,” she growled. She turned to leave.“What? No good-bye hug?” I pleaded hopefully. I received a deep animalistic noise and a door slammed in our faces.“Odette, is there any way I could convince you for some 'intensive care’ sex?” I gave her puppy-dog eyes. Odette responded by helping me off the sofa and aiming us toward the bedroom. There was a loud pounding on the door.“Odette, stay here. She’s violently unstable,” I cautioned my buddy. I hobbled to the portal.“I want my hug,” Buffy glared as I opened the door.“Fine. Remember, this is purely platonic,” I kept it cool. “Now put your hands behind your back.”“What? No, I won’t,” she snarled.“Buffy, I’m sort of fragile right now and you are a big bully,” I cautioned her. Buffy’s whole body trembled. Had she spontaneously developed heat ray vision, my brain would have been incinerated on the spot. Buffy finally linked her hand behind her back. I gently pressed my body against hers, brushing her hair behind her shoulders then tilting her jaw up.“I don’t like making you unhappy, or disappointing you, Buffy,” I whispered. “I apologize.” I didn’t kiss her. That was technically against the rules. Slow, persistent puffs of breath played along her shoulder, neck ears, cheeks and forehead in lieu of my forbidden kiss. Buffy’s vexation at the lack of oral contact faded as the hot, moist sensations of my exhalations upon her flesh played out.She quickly caught on that she could tilt her neck around to offer up places she found especially enticing, eventually leading me to her cleavage.“Have a nice weekend,” I told her when I was done.“78 days…Cáel. 78 days,” Buffy’s eyes shone like solar flares of lust. She left.The door shut, I turned around and Odette gave me a horny, beseeching lament. She’d been masturbating while I had been not-kissing Buffy.“I need you,” she moaned. I limped her way.“I’m not sure…” I got out before she overwhelmed me.“I’ll help,” she squealed. She dragged me across the room before tossing me on my new bed. Hmmm…new sheets…and the room looked really clean…sex. Odette would hurt me, make amends then try even harder to make me happy. It wasn’t my best experience with sex, but far from my worst.For example: don’t let yourself get tied down when you suspect your bedmate is unhappy with you because she’s found out you’ve also been doing her friend. At least make sure her friend isn’t at home and in on the revenge too. Don’t apologize, beg for mercy, or say you love them. No, take your lumps like a man, admit you are lower than low, and that you deserve whatever they deem appropriate.A terrifying first night. The next two were among the best I ever had…until the next weekend.Odette helped me clean up and changed the sheets all by herself. She was a wonderful girl and I hoped she’d meet somebody who appreciated her and wasn’t like me. Odette informed me that Timothy and Nikita would be showing up around 4 pm.Timothy had also told her he and I had a double date tomorrow night so she promised to call me Monday to see how I was doing…and whatever. With a wink, Odette also passed along that Timothy claimed all the toys in my room were his, except for the bondage suspension gear - which was untried - hint, hint.Wait a second - wasn’t this the same girl who thought a lone dildo was pressing the sexual envelope on Thursday? I kissed Odette and sent her on her way. I noticed the Nerf gun. I contemplated hiding the damn annoyance then I realized he’d only shoot/throw something harder. I decided to wear my Havenstone t-shirt (one size too small) that came with my recruitment packet and some gym shorts because jeans and the wrapping on my thigh didn’t mesh.Nikita showed up first and a bit early. Maybe she was trying to catch me shooing another girl out the door. I didn’t ask.“Hey Nikita,” I greeted her with a kiss.“Hey Cáel - what happened!” she gasped, taking in my bandaging. I had thought about my response.“I was at an archery range this morning and was shot,” I related.“Did you report this?” she began her interrogation.“My insurance will cover this and 'no’, there is no police incident report,” I answered.“Why not?” she glared.“I work for the Amish Mafia, Nikita. If I talk to the cops, you are going to be looking for me under the next barn raising,” I joked. Nikita was not amused in the slightest.“We need to take care of this,” she demanded.“How about this - someone tried to murder me this morning. Not a single person I was with raised a finger to save me,” I exhaled.“I didn’t die for a few reasons. One is the three girls coming over here tonight. Another is that a few women find me charming enough to keep me around. Lastly, they know that I know I’m a corpse if I make a break for it,” I explained. “Now, I’d truly prefer you think I’m making this shit up to sound insane, or trying to impress you.”“You are not…insane, or making that shit up,” she muttered. “I still can’t date a criminal.”“Barring carrying an unauthorized firearm loaded with blanks, I’ve been good,” I grinned.“That’s a crime,” Nikita groaned then pressed into me. “Why do I put up with you?”“You are most likely the best woman I’ll ever meet?” I offered. She hugged me.“I’d say that you are only saying that to get into my pants except you’re desperately trying to not get into my pants,” she sighed. “How do I fix this?”“Fix? I’m not sure this can be fixed. If you want to help, remind me love is stronger than hate, no one is irredeemable, and people can change for the better,” I murmured.“I’ll try,” she gently and repeatedly kissed my shirt-covered chest. “I think you joke too much yet you’re terribly honest. When you said you had a 'plethora of bizarre knowledge, I laugh at danger and have an incessant desire to learn’ you weren’t kidding. I should have run out the door right then.”“I agree. I know you are normally smarter than this - staying with me,” I nodded.“You are not getting rid of me that easily,” Nikita went to her tippy-toes and kissed me on the lips. That’s right. I was not a stoner who liked to toke on the weekends. No, I was part of a massive criminal conspiracy that was involved in various malfeasances more often associated with The Hague than the FBI, or Interpol.Basically I was the opposite kind of man Nikita thought she wanted. I was verbally evasive, romantically unreliable, unethical and criminally involved. She wasn’t blind to my flaws, she was reevaluating her desires. Beyond the sex, which promised to be epic, she felt I was brave and compassionate, honest and caring; a lover who laughed at death.In her distant future, sitting on the sofa, watching TV, while her socially acceptable, ethical and reliable husband was on the computer and her children were asleep in bed, I was the type of man she would recall with a sensual curve to her lips and the fondest of erotic memories. She might even wonder if they’d ever find all my body parts, or the person, or persons, who finally did me in.In the short term that meant more sex for me. I knew I was trying to not have sex spoil my relations with Nikita. I was going to move mountains to keep this love affair on track. If I wasn’t nailing her by next Saturday, a good bet would be that the world had ended. This lack of sex was killing me. With my stress level skyrocketing, my libido was threatening to slip its leash.I’d already scoped out three dozen spots at Havenstone for some quick nookie. It wasn’t intentional. My perception automatically cataloged every place I went to on how safely, quietly, and comfortable having sex there would be. I don’t think most people appreciate how much restraint I showed by not screwing Katrina in her bathroom, Buffy on that bed, and Buffy and Helena in any number of places.The elevators…oh God, the elevators. I’d had sex with a total stranger riding an elevator in the Sears Tower. Every few seconds, we kept punching buttons for higher floors. Watching her greet her husband and two young daughters getting out of the lift was enchanting. I never considered the wife to be cheating though.She wasn’t leaving her family; she was indulging in a fantasy. That helped me through lunch. After all, I was there to catch up with a high school buddy and his sister…and her husband…and two daughters - whoops. In retrospect, I was probably drawn to her because she looked like her/his mother. Mom was kind of hot and freaky too.The lesson there was never go upstairs to take a shower and change, leaving me alone with your mother unless you want her to have a secret smile when you return. She was divorced so there was no moral quandary. Further rumination was forestalled by Timothy’s keys jingling in the door and coming in.“Brother, she’s still got her clothes on,” Timothy mocked me. “You are losing your touch.”“We are not having sex,” I protested.“We are not…this weekend,” Nikita blushed slightly. “Next week though…”“I’m holding out for next Saturday,” I informed them. Nikita hip-nudged me and I winced.“Oh, I’m sorry, Cáel,” Nikita steadied me.“Cáel, what the hell happened to you?” Timothy tilted over to see past Nikita and look over my bandaged thigh, which was now bleeding. Oh, come on. Don’t tell me 'girl on top’ sex voids the 'don’t engage in any strenuous activity for 48 hours’ warning?“Someone tried to murder him,” Nikita spoke for me.“Any lady I’ve met, a jealous lover, or some totally unrelated woman I haven’t encountered yet?” Timothy was less than sympathetic.“Why do you assume I was shot by a woman, or that it was even my fault?” I groaned.“In Atlantic City, the odds of you being mauled by a woman you’ve pissed off is considered a sure thing,” Timothy chuckled.“Crazy woman, you’ve never met her and I seriously doubt you ever will,” I told him. “She’d have shot my nuts off but she had these ridiculously large double-D breasts that got in…Ow!” I yelped as Nikita finger-stabbed one of my nerve clusters.“Come on, Nikita,” Timothy teased. “If Cáel doesn’t notice a woman’s breast size, check him for a pulse, or a concussion.”“Eyes front, Mister,” Nikita demanded. “If you’re looking anywhere it had better be at me.”“Wait a second,” I protested. “You are supposed to be my love slave.” Nikita smirked.“Who is the boss?” she patted my swelling cock through my shorts and talked to it. “Who’s the boss?” pat, pat, “That’s good boy,” she cooed. “He knows who the boss is,” Nikita smiled at me. What could I say? My cock was the Lying Son of a Bitch of all Lying Sons of Bitches. It lied to everybody, me included.The only thing it didn’t lie about was being horny, which was more like a continuous state of being for the damned thing anyway. I could have grappled her breasts, petted her kitty, and/or groaped her ass. It pays to know your date/target/victim (depending on how polite you want to be).My hands cupped her jaw with my fingers tickling her ears.“Are these lips mine?” I whispered before kissing her with only a tantalizing tip of the tongue. “Are these my lips,” I continued on and on.“Yes,” Nikita sighed happily, finally submitting.“Nikita, I’m about to shoot our boy,” Timothy muttered. “Let’s avoid a friendly fire episode.” Timothy went for his Nerf gun, I went for the kitchenette, or would have if Nikita hadn’t stopped me.“Oh, come on,” I pleaded.“No,” Nikita smiled, “I don’t know what you did, but I’m sure you deserve it.” Wack - Nerf hit.“Fine,” I muttered. “Since I’m clearly not getting any sympathy, why don’t we go get the car now?”“I’ll go get the girls, Cáel,” Nikita suggested. “You should stay off your feet.”“Trust me, that will not work,” I said. Thankfully, no one contested me on that. They took one look at the blood soaking through my bandages and cut me some slack.Getting the rental car was interesting. I had to convince Nikita her personal vehicle wouldn’t cut it in our destination neighborhood. Halfway to the pick-up, something dangerous occurred to me.“Desiree, I need to warn Caitlyn I’m bringing over a lady with a gun,” I made a panicky call to the boss most likely know Caitlyn’s number.“Who?” she snapped.“NYPD Patrolwoman Nikita Kutuzov,” I supplied the name.“You are an idiot,” Desiree stated then hung up.“What was that all about?” Nikita stared suspiciously…again.“The family we are going to is security conscious to the level they will want to verify you are who you say you are,” I explained. They weren’t likely to kill her, or us. Caitlyn simply wouldn’t let me in, or let the girls out, which would be a sucky thing to explain if the opportunity to even see the girls ever arose again.“Do I need to inform my precinct that I’m stopping by this house?” Nikita questioned me.“I wouldn’t think so,” I said. “I also wouldn’t have thought I’d be shot with an arrow this morning either. Do what you think is best.” Nikita called in her itinerary. Once we made it to the children’s place, she insisted helping me to the door. Caitlyn answered with the kids closely behind her, luggage in hand.“Ladies, this is Officer Nikita Kutuzov of the NYPD. She will be our chaperone for the night,” I introduced my companion.“Cáel,” Caitlyn asked after she pulled me into a side room, “who is this woman?”“She is the daughter of the desk sergeant I met at the police station last Monday night/early Tuesday morning when Desiree and I showed up to get Marilyn,” I informed her.“I’ve dated her two times - no sex - and we are getting along okay,” I added.“No sex?” Caitlyn purred. “Saving yourself up for something?” I looked over my shoulder and saw three faces peaking in.“Please stop taunting me, Caitlyn,” I murmured. “The children are watching and I have to get going.” She pressed up against me, gave me a wink then returned me to the hallway.“Children, behave and I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon,” Caitlyn smiled. “Cáel - Daddy, have a good time.” Aya was as happy as a clam, Europa was amused, Loraine was a bit sullen and Nikita was stiff as a board. The presence of Nikita, the outsider, kept conversation to a minimum on the ride over. Europa broke the silence as we entered my building.“Gosh Cáel, you are poor,” she noted.“That’s rude,” was Nikita’s rebuttal.“What do you know about Cáel,” Loraine boiled over with anger. Nikita turned on her.“I know you are the reason I’m here, Loraine,” Nikita locked eyes with her. “You are pretty so I’m here to make sure he behaves.”“She doesn’t want him to behave,” Europa teased. Loraine shot Europa an evil look.“I want Cáel to be our Daddy,” Aya piped up. “So does Mommy.”“I had that impression too,” Nikita’s smile to me was frosty.“Well, I plan to be single for at least three more years,” I declared.“Great!” Loraine exulted.“Good luck with that,” Europa mocked me.“I can wait that long,” Aya added.“It will be a miracle if you live that long,” muttered Nikita.“Cáel was shot saving my life today - me and my family,” Aya got out.“Aya - no!” snapped Loraine. “We are not to talk about it.”“I’m a police officer, you can tell me,” Nikita tried to corner Aya.“She is a, (then she used a dead word,” Loraine stated.It was Old Kingdom Hittite for 'masked ghost’. 'Ghost’ could also mean 'evil spirit’. I postulated that was the Amazon term for non-Amazonian women.“What does that mean?” Nikita scanned the group.“It means we are not going to talk about it, concentrating on having a good night instead. Okay?” I stressed.Nikita backed off, we made it to my place and made the introductions with Timothy. Once they got past the fact that he was gay - their problem was not with homosexuality; it was with males wasting their sexual potential not making babies - they thought he was wonderful. My roommate caught me flat-footed when he reminded the girls that they should wear their pj’s on a sleep over.Off they raced into the bedroom, dragging a reluctant Nikita along, to get changed.“Dude,” I said in a hushed voice. “What have I ever done to you?”“Nothing,” he snickered, “I’m being petty.” He went off to change as well. I was already in a t-shirt and shorts. I really didn’t need to change.Nikita’s countenance was one of fury etched in stone. It appeared that Amazonian sleepwear consisted of a beige half-vest, panties and a short, short skirt. It was somewhat endearing on Aya. I wasn’t going to go there with Europa. My brain was having none of that avoidance with Loraine though. God, she was scrumptious…and so very out of bounds.Nikita was in a plaid sleeping shirt than came down to her knees. I was trying to keep it together when Timothy came out in black boy-shorts.“Wow, Nikita. I had a shirt like that…when I was ten. You make it look…” he ended up laughing. The look Nikita gave Timothy was blistering.Aya came up to one side, knelt on the sofa where I was sitting, and hugged my head to her bosom. Europa plopped down on the other side. Loraine hopped into my lap.“Oh…is that your…?” Loraine gasped.“That’s his nothing!” Nikita yanked Loraine off my lap, “that you need to know about at your tender age.”“What is wrong with you people?” Nikita complained.“Don’t look at me. I’ve been sitting on the sofa the entire time,” I waved off responsibility.“We are not ashamed of our bodies,” Loraine shot back. “Don’t take out the fact that you aren’t pretty as me, my sisters, or our Cáel.”“Cáel, don’t tell me you find this manner of dress acceptable?” Nikita glared.“If they are comfortable with it, who am I to complain?” I shrugged.“She’s nine!” Nikita pointed at Aya who smiled back.“Damn Nikita, trust me a bit, why don’t ya? I am well aware of women’s ages,” I sighed.“Do you want me to dress like they do?” she stared accusingly.“That would be pretty nice,” I smiled letting my lust sneak through.“Hold on,” Timothy grinned. I was in trouble. “When I helped Cáel move in I saw he had a huge box full of women’s clothes - not in his size. He’s not a cross dresser.”Gee - thanks Timothy, you right bastard.“What is a cross dresser?” Aya piped up. I groaned.“A cross dresser is a man who dresses up like a woman,” Nikita provided. “A Drag Queen is a man who dresses up like a famous woman/actress/singer. A transvestite is a man who dresses like a woman because they want to be a woman.”“Have you ever dressed like a woman, Cáel?” Europe inquired.“Yeah,” I grinned. “I did a burlesque review one year and dressed up like a pole dancer at a friend’s bachelorette party.”“Really?” Loraine and Nikita both perked up.“What’s are pole dancers and what’s burlesque?” Aya mused.“Hmmm…I was in a burlesque troupe for a South Sudan relief charity event,” I recited. “Burlesque dancers were really racy clothing - kind of like what you have on right now, Aya. I was a pole dancer at my friend’s bachelorette party because I owed her for some past mistakes.”“Aya, pole dancers where bikini style clothing and do erotic acrobatics with a ceiling to floor pole, thus pole dancing,” I explained.“Can we see you do that?” Loraine and Europa closed in. “Sometime soon?”“Past mistakes?” Nikita glared.“Yes, past mistakes,” I sighed. “I slept with her, her best friend, her mother and her younger sister. She stabbed me here,” I pointed to a faded scar on my left triceps. “We hooked up again later, but things didn’t work out that time either,” I pointed to the scar on my foot.“You didn’t have her arrested? Worse, you took her back so she could stab you again?” Nikita shook her head negatively.“I was the one who made her angry,” I shrugged, “plus the sex was passionate.”“Those are scars of sexual animus,” Loraine purred. “You must be tremendously delectable to incite such a reaction.” She gave off her own predatory rumblings.“Loraine, the man cheated on these women. This is not what you look for in a sex partner,” Nikita lectured.“What do you mean?” Europa looked Nikita’s way. “I want a man that other women desire. It makes the conflict and resulting conquest all the more praiseworthy.”“You are thirteen,” the policewoman reminded Europa. “You don’t need to be thinking about men, especially treating men like conquests.”Timothy came out of my room with a large cardboard packing box - full of clothes - women’s clothes.“What the?” Nikita blanched. Europa and Loraine swarmed the goodies while Aya snuggled in tighter to my side.“I’ve never heard my Mother, or Aunts, talk about a male the way they talk about you,” Aya whispered into my ear in Old Kingdom Hittite. “They really like you - as a person.”“You referred to Desiree as your Aunt today,” I quietly spoke. “Is that the first time you’ve acknowledged her as family."No; I did it once before when I was six and Momma was very angry. Grandmother Sylvia was the Heir to House Epona when she ran away,” Aya informed me. “All of this happened before I was born. Great-grandmother was very angry with her sisters and Momma. When they brought Aunt Desiree back, they were all wanted to kill Desiree except Aunt Katrina.”“Katrina fought and killed Great-grandmother so Desiree was allowed to live. The other women still won’t call Desiree 'aunt’ or 'sister’ though,” Aya finished.“You did,” I reminded Aya.“I’m not going to make it, am I Cáel?” Aya suddenly looked so small and vulnerable. “I know you will honest with me.”I wasn’t sure where the honest part came from.“Why do you think you won’t make your trial in three years?” I inquired. I wanted to know where she stood mentally.“I’m small and weak. My mind gets excited and confused too easily. It took a man risking his life for me to make me concentrate hard enough to hit the target this morning. I’m not going to make it,” she moaped.“You do realize you are asking for sympathy from the only male inside Havenstone who speaks your lingo and everyone will know by Monday,” I tweaked her nose. “I’ve been beaten up, shot with an arrow, faced numerous death threats as well as enslavement plus being stun-gunned half to death and given a truth serum that set my body on fire - figuratively speaking - all in my first week.”“Your life expectancy is under three years, Aya, but mine is at 77 days and counting down,” I gave her a weak grin. “I’m not going to feel sorry for you. Aya has a dozen people who love and support her - me included. She’s a winner. Me? All I’ve got is a whiny munchkin with delusions of self-pity. That would be you, in case you missed it.” Aya hugged me.“That’s why I love you,” she whispered into my ear. “You are really my friend. You turn my mistakes into victories, Cáel. You treat me like you would any other nine-year old girl.”“Cáel Nyilas, what is all this?” Nikita glared at me. She was holding up a bundle of women’s undergarments.“Clean underwear of the female variety,” I grinned broadly.“Wow,” Loraine exclaimed. “There is not much to this one at all,” she held up a lacy white thong. “Do you want to see me wearing this…and a smile?” she invited me with her eyes.“Actually Loraine, those are Timothy’s,” I lied. She looked poleaxed.“Bro, those wouldn’t hide my balls, much less my dick,” Timothy laughed.“Guys!” snapped Nikita. “Try to remember this is a teenage girl sleep-over, not a frat party.”“Nikita, calm down,” Europa tapped the cop’s shoulder. “I think we’ve all seen a naked man before, unless you haven’t. Why don’t you try some of these on? Some are in your size.”“Women don’t put on other women’s underwear,” Nikita stated. “It is unsanitary.”“But he washed them,” Europa countered.“That’s not the point,” Nikita groaned.“Well, I’m going to try some on and see how Cael likes them,” Loraine proclaimed.“Me too!” Europa stood up.“Me three!” Aya tried to jump up but I held her at my side.“No you don’t,” I tickled her. “You need to stay here with me on the sofa to make sure I behave and Officer Nikita doesn’t have to shoot me.”Aya stayed with me; Loraine and Europa grabbed up some of the clothes and fled to my bedroom, pursued hotly by Nikita. Timothy settled in on the other side of Aya.“Hey there,” he rumbled. “You are as cute as Cáel said you were.”“Thank you,” Aya gave her warmest smile to him. “You have really big muscles.”“I work out a lot and eat children for breakfast to stay in shape,” he teased.“Bad children taste better with ketchup,” Aya chirped without missing a beat.“Do you have any eighteen year old, or older, brothers as cute as you?” Timothy rustled Aya’s hair.“We don’t have brothers,” Aya informed him. Timothy shot me an inquisitive look. My visual response indicated he should wait for an explanation later. We opted to tickle Aya instead then Timothy followed that with airplane spins and we ended up doing Aya-tosses. Yes, we tossed the future of House Epona, squealing, across the length of our living room, caught her then threw her back.The ladies came out of my room. Loraine was flabbergasted, Europa was jealous and Nikita was livid. They were also all wearing various pieces of flimsy female attire. You see, when a woman dumps you in a screaming fit, they take their coats, pants and shoes - it gets cold in New Hampshire.The often forget shorts, pajamas, panties, bras and light shirts. This resulted in my 'collection’ of women’s things to be biased toward bedroom/house casual attire.“Me next!” Europa begged.“Put her down right now!” Nikita demanded.“Cáel, I’m scared,” Loraine faux-sniffled. “Hold me.” That would have been bad in all kinds of ways. Loraine had picked up a cotton candy colored bra and panty set - from a nice girl - liked to walk around my room in just that and the matching pair of 6 inch heels…which were also in the box.“No!” Nikita grabbed Loraine’s bra strap to impede her progress. Europa slipped past Nikita right as Timothy was putting the exhilarated Aya down. For a child handled like glass most of her life, I could tell the thrill of our roughhousing was reaching deep into Aya’s heart. She didn’t know that she was still being treated differently than other nine year-olds because being something new was good enough.From my point of view, I was a good boy. I stopped and gawked at Nikita. Sure, she was wearing forest green boy shorts and matching sports bra, but this was as naked as I’d ever seen her. Her body was pale white unlike Loraine’s, which had a faint tan. This did two thing; disappointed Loraine and caused Nikita a terrible conflict of emotions.Oh, I was still a pig who mostly thought of women as sex objects - but she was the current subject of my porcine desires so I was suddenly more acceptable, or at least, forgivable. My reaction had an unexpected benefit. Nikita remembered that she was here to be a chaperone, not a den mother.“Loraine, if he drooled at you like that, he knows I would shoot him,” she tapped the younger woman.“But I’m wearing less,” Loraine turned around to face Nikita. Now Nikita was the 'worldly’ woman lecturing the one blossoming into womanhood - Thank God!Women ganging up on you isn’t always a bad thing and them fighting over you isn’t always a good thing. If they fight over you, the winner may still hold you responsible for what happened = no sex. When they settle those issues internally, they are more likely to ignore your flaws to get what they want, namely your attention and body.Anybody who thinks girls don’t want sex as much as a guy has never been shoved into a dark closet with a female total stranger. If you aren’t quick, she’ll have your cock in her mouth before you can get under her bra - just saying.“Sometimes you get more out of teasing a man than showing him too much,” Nikita taught Loraine.“What do you think?” Loraine turned back to me.“What? Huh? I think you two are two too many,” I gulped. “I’m going to stand in front of the freezer for a bit.” Loraine grinned then turned and shared a special look with Nikita - metamorphosis complete. They were now women, neither Amazon nor outsider.“No you don’t,” Europa insisted. “I want to take an 'Aya’ flight,” she referred to Timothy and me tossing Aya across the admittedly small living room. Timothy easily hefted a giggling Europa up in an arm curl.“We can do this,” Timothy grinned at me. “She’s light enough.”Timothy knew how much weight he regularly lifted and how that rated against my slightly lesser bench press. I took his word for it that I could catch a thrown Europa with only one good leg. The doorbell rang and a stillness seized the room.“Timothy, take Europa to the kitchen,” I hissed. “Loraine, Aya - to the bedroom. Nikita - gun.” People scrambled. Once they were done, I began to stump to the door. The bell rang again because I was taking a while and the person at the door was impatient. I looked out the peephole and what I saw chilled me. Not opening the door wasn’t an option - double negative - ugh.“Hello Elsa,” I glared. She had two buddies, all from the Security Detail. “What can I do for you?”“This is a spot inspection on the Ruger girls,” she informed me.“I didn’t receive any notification of this,” I narrowed my gaze.“That’s why it’s called a spot inspection, you idiot,” Elsa sneered.“Well, that’s not going to happen,” I took a deep breath. “Anything else I can 'not’ do for you?”“Don’t you recall what I said when we met the first time at Katrina’s office?” Elsa smirked.“Since my death will be rapidly followed by yours, I’ll accept the trade,” I grinned.Elsa tried to look past me.“The woman has a gun?” Elsa wondered.“She’s a police officer with a submitted itinerary,” I smiled. “Is there anything else you need to know?”“I will see the girls,” Elsa insisted.“Elsa, here are your options. You can storm the room and you and your team will most likely die. You can leave. Or, you can strip down under my watchful eye. If I am satisfied you have no weapons, you, and you alone, can come in and see the girls. How’s that?”“You don’t dictate conditions to me,” Elsa hissed.“You do what you like. This door closes in ten seconds,” I shrugged.“Girls! Present yourself,” Elsa commanded in Old Kingdom Hittite.“No!” Aya shouted back a second later in the same tongue. “And leave my Daddy alone.”I heard a drawer open in the kitchen.“The knives are in the bloc on the counter,” I heard Timothy give Europa directions. It must have been her looking for a weapon.“Loraine,” Elsa snapped, “stop this madness.”“Elsa, Officer Nikita and me are arguing if I can use her back up-piece, or not,” Loraine responded. “Elsa, I have known and respected you all of my life. If you kill Officer Nikita, I will pick up her weapon and shoot you. Cáel is only doing what a Father would do for his offspring - defending us.”“How about this?” Europa, out of sight in the kitchenette, showed Timothy something.“Utility knife - good choice,” Timothy remarked.“What have you done to these girls?” Elsa seethed.“I…I can’t say anything that would make a damn bit of difference to you, Elsa. You are willfully blind and I’m too hurt and tired to give a damn anymore.”“3…2…1…” I counted down.“Fine, I’ll submit to a search,” Elsa grumbled. Oh, this was going to be fun. This wasn’t what I had purposed. It didn’t matter. She was here to see me, not the kids. I knew that look. I didn’t even ask to take off her clothes. I started, she looked absolutely outraged and she was also juicy enough to slake any man’s, or lesbian’s, thirst.The two other security types started out angry then slowly evolved into a guarded curiosity.“Is this really necessary?” Elsa groused as I took off her belt. I showed her the garrote I found in the folds of the leather accessory. She refused to be apologetic in the least. Beyond the obvious weapons, she had the garrote, 8 small knives and a back-up pistol holstered at the small of her back.Feeling inside Elsa’s bra earned me three dirty looks. I wasn’t actually looking for weapons. Her tits looked nice, so I copped a free feel. I’m a pig. Running my hands around inside her panties earned me a death warrant, no doubt. I kept Elsa’s arousal to myself. Sticking a finger inside her didn’t count as a violation of my 77 day deadline because…I’d make up something later.“Come on,” I beckoned Elsa to follow me. She reached down to pick up her clothes. “No you don’t,’ I insisted. "I can’t be sure I missed something sown into the fabric so you come as you are.” This wasn’t done out of concern for the girls’ safety. This was done because Elsa looked even hotter in her aqua French cut panties and matching sports bra. Oink.Only when I pushed the door open did Elsa and company realize I’d never closed the portal fully. Contrary to the evidence, I wasn’t suicidal. If something had gone bad in the hallway, I was planning to throw my body inside and pray for Nikita to provide me cover fire so I could crawl to the kitchenette.Once we were inside, I shut and deadbolt-locked the door. Nikita and Timothy peeked out first.“You go Bro,” Timothy chuckled. “She’s not here five minutes and you have her out of her clothes. My faith in you is renewed.” Nikita’s reaction was a bit different.“Did you search inside her bra and panties too?” was her icy insinuation of my pig-atude.“Yes he did,” Elsa snarled at Nikita. Oh, this would be a real bitch-fest. I was 'saved’ by the appearance of the three girls. Elsa’s gaze wandered from Loraine to Europa to me. “What is the meaning of this?” That had to be about the lingerie.“Yeah,” Nikita glared at me too. “That’s what I asked him.”“These are his trophies from some of his female conquests,” Lo

Kyrie, Masturbation, Amish Mafia. You know, the usual.... Enjoy!

This week the boys take on Amish Mafia, Things they wish were invented already, and then Multiverse of Madness.

Biden's executive order on crypto, Sparky talks about his run in with the Amish, and more on today's episode of Beer and Bitcoin!

Janesh Rahlan ponies up and learns about the Amish Mafia, while Mike learns an unique perspective on big Americans and together they give advice to a lady who loves cats more then her fiancé.    Janesh has performed at Cobb's Comedy Club, San Francisco Punch Line, Chicago Laugh Factory and various comedy clubs across the United States. I have opened for Rex Navarette and Mark Ellis, and was also selected to perform at San Francisco Sketchfest. I produce a weekly show called "Mission Bay Bay"    The Hell Ya Podcast hosted by Mikel Nordstrom will be giving questionable advice every single week. With the help of a diffrent very funny guests every week we will solve all the problems one problem at a time. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mikelnordstrom/  https://www.instagram.com/thehellyapodcast/ https://www.mikelnordstrom.com/    

It's just Logan and Rebel this week. They get started with coyote hunting, flat tires, Amish Mafia, Two at a Time Bourbon Review of West Bottoms Whiskey, Red Dirt Recommendations   For the full episode click here

Secret alien black magic...and the Amish Mafia. It's Fried Cabbage!

Jesica Kirson stand up show... Big pussy energy... Katie hurts herself spazzing out... Some guys wouldn't look half bad if they just took a bath... Does the smell of hummus with extra garlic turn anyone on??? Katie is now more active on Instagram, so she says... Very specific dating sites... Gluten free dating app... Mullet passions dating... The Fugates, blue family of Kentucky... Herpes Fish, dating for people with herpes... Amish Dating... The Amish Mafia? Is that still a thing??? Katie's PPOTW - SC in overalls??? Dinosaur fossil showed that this dinosaur had a cloaca... New service that helps people manipulate your loved one using AI... Episode of "Rule 34"... Rabbit Head butt plug now available for even non magicians... Tip for taking photos over the holidays... Giving your date a wheel of cheese... Sexual World Records... World's largest pussy... The most children birthed by a single woman... The longest cumshot... Are gummy blow job tooth covers dangerous... Some things people were having sex with, that got them arrested... What are the rules concerning the world's largest gangbang??? Is that a butt plug or a grenade in your luggage... Some strange things people have traded for sex... How much for a daily blow job every day for the rest of my life.

On this episode of the world famous Sofa King Podcast, we look at the Amish. This uniquely American religious sect is most common in Pennsylvania but found throughout the Midwest. They famously avoid all technology, including electricity and the cell phone, but even down to running faucets for their baths. One thing they are famous for is a rite of passage called a Rumspringa. It allows teens to experience the world and get their freak on, partying, drinking, and doing things the church forbids. Once that is done, they get baptized in the local Amish church and leave the heathen world behind. From barn raising to the Ordnung laws and the truth of the Amish Mafia, this one has it all!   Visit Our Sources https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amish https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plain_people https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5455572 https://www.history101.com/amish-facts/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m64X1hMCJoE https://www.washingtonpost.com/religion/2019/03/13/more-us-catholics-are-considering-leaving-church-over-sex-abuse-crisis-poll-says/ https://www.npr.org/2014/08/24/342474911/a-growing-backlash-against-amish-exploitation-in-pennsylvania https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URprZKBJa9g Meet the Amish 1 of 4 - First experience on an aeroplane - YouTube

Mike opens the show speaking about how they are recently into a show about the AmishMike finds a new show, Amish Mafia and discusses it.They are amazed how Amish people manage and control their family.Mike and Torya then share an interesting idea about the show.Torya shares the next show that they will watch is Extreme Sisters.And how they went down the rabbit hole of Amish shows.Torya ends the show by saying how she wants to go to an Amish country and try their pie

We welcome television producer and writer Eric Evangelista to first help us look over the unscripted television that left an impression on us in our Retro Roundtable. We look at shows like American Pickers, Average Joe, Impractical Jokers, and many more. Let us know your picks on Facebook and Twitter! Then we talk with Eric about his production company, Hot Snakes Media, as well as all the shows that they've produced. Deaf U, Pig Royalty, Breaking Amish, Return To Amish, and Amish Mafia are just a few of the many projects to be produced by Hot Snakes. If you own a television then you've seen his work. Check out more at HotSnakesMedia.com! @HotSnakesMedia CannedAirPodcast.com @CannedAirPod @Canned_Air If you'd like to show your support, you can either visit our Patreon page at Patreon.com/CannedAirPod or you can leave us a review on iTunes! Thanks for listening! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Series Finale rejects modern technology and society when they cover the last episode of the very real, totally unscripted reality show Amish Mafia. Zach is fascinated with the Amish people and how they don't pay income tax, Jack wonders how many Amish it would take to shun someone who was over 400 lbs and John Paul's mic has some scratchiness at the start of the show. Zach talks about when he was part of a society of religious folx who declared that marriage ended at death and would NOT continue into the afterlife, Jack talked about his time with a Canadian prophet with a large penis, and John Paul talked about when he went undercover Amish to root out illegal streaming. In a primative roleplay Lebanon Levi propositions Merlin's wife for sex because her huge size reminds him of modern society when Caleb arrives and is clumsy with a bucket of bull semen. Caleb ends up grabbing a gun to kill Levi when Bill Clinton arrives right on schedule.

NEWS The new trend of making different versions of the same song Focurite Group acquires legendary synth manufacture Sequential Circuits GUEST Composer and music licensing expert Michael Elsner Master Music Licensing Michael Elsner started playing sessions for a multitude of television, album and film projects, which eventually led to his own music appearing on TV and film as well.  As a songwriter and composer, his songs have been placed in over 180 individual television series, accounting for over 800 individual episodes. Some of these include American Idol, The Voice, Amish Mafia, Cold Case, EXTRA, The Sing-Off, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Hannah Montana, and High School Musical 2. He’s also composed music for commercials for Audi, Mazda, Skechers and Verizon, as well as trailers for Cinderella (Disney), Ocean's 8, Narcos, Sneaky Pete, and Better Call Saul. Michael has taken his knowledge and experience of music licensing and created the Master Music Licensing Program, which provides a first-hand look on how to obtain sync placements in film and television. During the interview we spoke about growing up in Woodstock, making the jump to writing for television, the 4 step process to licensing, and much more. On the intro I’ll take a look at singles that won’t die, and Focusrite acquiring Sequential Circuits. var podscribeEmbedVars = { epGuid: 'https://bobbyoinnercircle.com/?p=2833', rssUrl: 'https://bobbyoinnercircle.com/feed/podcast/', backgroundColor: 'white', font: undefined, fontColor: undefined, speakerFontColor: undefined, height: '600px', showEditButton: false, showSpeakers: true, showTimestamps: true };

On the very first episode of CJ's Phone, CJ and Taylor talk to Alan Beiler from Amish Mafia. He gives us a unique behinds the scenes look at the show and the Amish lifestyle, and much more! Check out MBNnetwork.com for all the shows on the network, all the ways to listen, browse our merch shop and more! We are sponsored by Eunomia CBD! Go to www.eunomiaCBD.com and use our promo code for free shipping, free stuff and 20% off your order! Go to www.patreon.com/mbnnetwork for exclusive extras including bonus episodes, giveaways and more!

The Legends of the Amish Mafia and the Legacy of The ProdfatherResearched & Written by Fiama Mastrangelo @my.name.means.flameSourcesShank, M. (2012) 'Amish Mafia' is a Shameful, Unrealistic Portrayal of Plain People. Washington PostLa rosa, E. (2013) 8 Hilarious Reasons Why "Amish Mafia" Is Fake. BuzzfeedMikkelson, D. (2015) Is 'Amish Mafia' Real? Snopes.comShare, M. (2014) The Orthodox Hit Squad. GQU.S. Attorney's Office (2015) Orthodox Jewish Rabbi Sentenced to More Than Three Years in Prison for Role in Conspiracy to Violently Extort Divorce Consent from Reluctant Husband. FBI.gov--- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/appSupport this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tdahpodcast/support

Having grown up as a member of the Amish community, Esther Schmucker experienced struggles and bouts of physical and emotional abuse. After giving birth to her abuser’s child at the age of 15 and later staring on The Discovery Channel’s show, Amish Mafia, Esther found her calling by helping others through Voices of Hope as well as writing a book titled “Healing in Heels.”

Everyone has heard the stuff that makes your favorite movies and shows jump off the screen. They're called stingers, stagers, whooshes, bass drops, jingles, drones, pads, and many other funny names.   Hardly anyone ever thinks that someone actually gets paid to come up with them.   ****Watch this episode and subscribe to the podcast!   Michael Elsner got his start in Woodstock, New York. Not surprisingly, being raised there tuned his mind to the making of music in various forms and ways.   Fast forward to today, Michael has played on sessions for a multitude of television, album and film projects. His solo release "Stained Voodoo" took home the award for Instrumental Album of the Year at the LA Music Awards. He has performed on and co-produced many virtual instrument and loop libraries.   What many people like to learn from Michael is the art of music licensing. As a songwriter and producer, his songs have been placed in various movies, television shows, and DVDs, some of which include American Idol, The Voice, Amish Mafia, Cold Case, EXTRA, The Sing-Off, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Hannah Montana, and High School Musical 2. He's written and produced commercials for Audi, Mazda and Skechers.   Licensing his music catalog to TV shows, Films, Commercials, Video Games, and Film/Game Trailers has been a central part of his career for the last 14 years. With over 2000 placements to his name, Michael has shared the process that he's used to generate those placements.   Rich, Jim and Michael also discuss:   - Movie trailer music   - Being of service and not being a narcissist   - Tension beds   - Making a producer's job easier   - Star Wars end scene without music   - Licensing music is easier than one may think   Follow Michael: www.michaelelsner.com @mikeelsner   The Rich Redmond Show is about all things music, motivation and success. Candid conversations with musicians, actors, comedians, authors and thought leaders about their lives and the stories that shaped them. Rich Redmond is the longtime drummer with Jason Aldean and many other veteran musicians and artists. Rich is also an actor, speaker, author, producer and educator. Rich has been heard on thousands of songs, over 23 of which have been #1 hits! Rich can also be seen in several films and TV shows and has also written an Amazon Best-Selling book, "CRASH! Course for Success: 5 Ways to Supercharge Your Personal and Professional Life" currently available at: https://www.amazon.com/CRASH-Course-Success-S…/…/ref=sr_1_1…   Follow Rich: @richredmond www.richredmond.com   Jim McCarthy is the quintessential Blue Collar Voice Guy. Honing his craft since 1996 with radio stations in Illinois, South Carolina, Connecticut, New York, Las Vegas and Nashville, Jim has voiced well over 10,000 pieces since and garnered an ear for audio production which he now uses for various podcasts, commercials and promos. Jim is also an accomplished video producer, content creator, writer and overall entrepreneur.   Follow Jim: @jimmccarthy www.jimmccarthyvoiceovers.com

Just For Laughs festival: Dan SoderLive from the Just For Laughs festival we welcome, from The Bonfire Podcast, SHOtime's Billions and Comedy Central, the HILARIOUS, Dan Soder. We talk about our poop situations, why you should use a squatty potty, the recipe of becoming a comedian, and how to date your sibling. Such a FUN episode!Thanks to our amazing sponsors: Absolute Xtractswww.ABX.org*Use code "JESSIMAE" at checkout for 15% of your entire order of any ABX products @ www.EAZE.com For all things Dan:www.DanSoder.comFor all things Jessimae:www.Jessimae.com

6/14/2019 - Archive Friday - Zakk Wylde Interview - Amish Mafia

Episode: 05 Guest: Madi Bachman Date: 07/19/2018

We're about to flax on y'all. We've joined the Amish Mafia with the help of our friend Beau, and this episode finds us raising cain, barns, hell, and crops. Did I miss anything? Learn how to swear in Catalan, find out if your Black-eyed Susans are actually weeds, get your tingle on with some ASMR tortilla-chip play, and acquire some very good Harry Potter weed puns for your next Bible study.

You can get a bee in your bonnet over anything. We do. After all, this is Things We Find Annoying. In this inaugural episode of TWFA, hosts Lori Feldman and Frank Roche cover a wide range of niblicky topics, play the song There's a Bee in My Bonnet, Hello! and basically find everything annoying -- including the intro. Here's a list of annoying topics and when they boiled up: EPISODE 1 03:10    People who say JIF for GIF 04:46    Bad nicknames 06:28    Mouth noises 07:50    Tuneless humming 11:17    People who chew with their mouth open 12:20    Gluten in communion wafers 15:08    Sniffers 16:58    Jim Carrey and Robin Williams 22:56    Stand-up comedians who aren’t funny 23:41    Window seats on airplanes when an engine explodes 25:06    William Shatner 25:59    Throat clearers 28:43    Jersey Shore 30:18    IRS website crash 32:16    Confession booths on reality shows 33:37    Amish Mafia and Mob Wives 34:58    Fran Drescher 36:26    People who attack their computer keyboard 37:50    Seat hogs on the train 43:24 .  People getting WiFi for FB Live during an airplane emergency 45:18    Frank and Lori come to an annoying conclusion 46:28    Wrapping up TWFA 48:22    END   Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Stitcher | TuneIn   Music in this episode: There's a Bee in my Bonnet, Hello! by Nutmeg is licensed under a Attribution-NonCommercial License. Music sourced from Free Music Archive.

Hey guys! Sorry it's been longer than usual but I finally got a new episode of Another Tangent today! In this one we discuss the oh so happy ending of The Mist, whether or not Bobba Fett is evil, I go on a rant about Amish Mafia was a beautiful show and then we end with sort of talking about our kinks. Please rate, review and subscribe! Hit us up on twitter @QuashPodcast https://soundcloud.com/quashpodcast https://www.facebook.com/QuashPodcast/

Today on the podcast: kick- ass producer Eric Evangalista – co-founder of Hot Snakes Media who’s best known for creating the hit shows AMISH MAFIA and BREAKING AMISH. Eric and his wife Shannon own Hot Snakes together and their new show RETURN TO AMISH premieres July 10th on TLC @9pm. He tells me how he […]

Dan and Eric talk about winter weather, Antarctica, Pope Francis, Nelson Mandela, sign language, shopping induced suicide, viral stories, shootings, snooze alarms, TSA, iPhone, Android, Xbox One, Best Buy, Lions, fantasy football, The Hobbit, Peter Jackson, Godzilla, Daemon, iPad, Kindle, Hannibal, Manhunter, AHS, Almost Human, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Amish Mafia, and Oldboiy.

Guests Ian Moffitt and Matt Trebacz. Breaking Dead, Spartans vs Zombies, Amish Mafia and The Breeders

Guests Ian Moffitt and Matt Trebacz. Breaking Dead, Spartans vs Zombies, Amish Mafia and The Breeders

The Duo overcomes recording issues to bring you an episode where they do bad impressions, say good-bye to the Pope, talk reality TV, and rate some videogames.

Is your favorite celebrity "not dead"? Is that video of the kid dying of cancer looking for postcards real? Just how real is the reality show "Amish Mafia"? Tired of the "this baby needs 1000 Facebook likes"? ShyRosalind presents the top internet hoaxes, and speaks her mind on things happening in the world.

23 : YO SAID THAT - Roll Tide The YST Fam, We Discuss BCS National Championship, Kobe/Howard fight, Melo/Garnett scuffle, NBA roundup, Dallas Cowboys fall, RG3 Knee, AP vs Manning, Ray Lewis, MLB HOF Voting from Steroid Era, Lance Armstrong reportedly,The Amish Mafia, Shawty Lo Reality show. Intro song : Wiz Khalifa - Remember You (feat. The Weeknd) Outro song :lupe_fiasco-battle_scars_(with_guy_sebastian) Img : http://www.sicovers.com Twitter : @YSTFam Facebook : www.facebook.com/yosaidthat Facebook :www.facebook.com/yo said that Sports talk Google+ : Yo Said That

We talk about Arrested Development, Breast Cancer awareness, adult sand boxes, No to Qwickster, domestic abuse laws repealed, Yahtzee and violence, family googles how to kill someone, Amish crime, a site to rate your exes, yogurt crime, E. Coli and cell phones, fat and flying, sit down to pee?, prison bans porn, Rob Liefeld, mimes as traffic cops, zombie movie accident confuses rescue workers, The Avengers trailer, Steve Jobs dying, and our review of Apple's new iOS 5. Please subscribe, review and rate us! facebook.com/saltylanguage salty-language.tumblr.com