livingfullywithdrkathymccoy's podcast

Are you unlucky in love? Stuck in disappointing, chaotic or just plain bad relationships over and over again? Why does this happen? The answers may lie in your distant past. In this episode,Dr. McCoy discusses this link to your past and ways to break the pattern of bad romantic relationships in your life.

How do you know if your love is lopsided? What can you live with? What can you let go? What has become intolerable? And what are you going to do about all of this? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how to know you're in an unequal relationship and what to do -- when to hope and when to let go.

Making the decision to stay or go can be one of the hardest you face -- even with a deeply unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses some reasons that people choose to stay in unhappy relationships and the reasons some leave -- and how to make a decision that feels right for you.

What do you do when the worst happens? What can you do when there's nothing to be done? How can you survive a tragic loss? In this episode, Dr. McCoy shares a moment in her own life when everything changed -- and yet life went on. She offers comfort and words of hope for those grieving major, terrible losses in their lives.

Do you need an electronic reminder to prompt you to be kind and thoughtful to loved ones? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses our increased dependance on electronics to see if we're sleeping well, moving enough or to find our favorite music. Why not an app for kindness? She suggests that, in addition to relying on our devices, we can tap into our own emotional resources to find ways to please, surprise and enhance our relationships with those we love. 

Why would anyone get therapy? This is still a frequent question many ask even though attitudes towards psychotherapy have evolved over the years from disapproval to more acceptance of professional help. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses instances where someone might benefit from therapy, how to find a therapist and how to make sure a particular therapist might be the right one for you.

Feeling alone in a relationship can be uniquely painful. Sometimes it happens when our fantasies of constant, intense love and happiness clash with reality. Sometimes it happens as the result of life transitions and busy schedules. And sometimes it signals serious problems. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses relationship loneliness, why it happens and what to do to reconnect and reclaim your love and intimacy.

It's not easy, especially for women, to say "No" when they want or need to. Social expectations are that a woman will always say "Yes" to a request. Refusing to go along with another's agenda and living authentically can be a challenge. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the power and importance of saying "No" and how to express your feelings in ways that others can hear and accept while avoiding negativity.

You may be blindsided or it may not be a surprise at all when your child comes out to you as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or non-binary. You may feel a confusing array of emotions -- from fear of their being hurt or marginalized to grief that his, her or their life may be quite different from the one you dreamed or you may feel mostly love and wonder how to best communicate that in this vulnerable moment. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the importance of your love and support at this time and how to deal with your feelings even as you embrace your child.

Coming to terms with the invisibility of aging can be a challenge, especially if you've been noted in your youth for your physical beauty. But there are advantages to evolving into another phase of your life -- and being noticed for other things -- such as kindness, wisdom or strength of character. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the challenges and rewards of discovering the special beauty to be found with quiet acceptance of the passage of time.

Mismatched sexual desire is not uncommon and can cause a lot of pain between partners. In this episode, Dr. McCoy suggests questions to ask yourself about possible causes and conditions behind your dueling libidos and offers a number of suggestions for communication, compromise and true intimacy.

We have very special bonds with our pets, often considering them important members of the family. But many people who don't have the experience of loving a companion animal may show little understanding or empathy when we're dealing with the loss of a beloved pet and that can complicate our grief. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the psychology behind the bonds we share with our animals and how to handle the grief process, finding the support and the comfort we need during a very painful time.

There may come a time in our lives when our possessions cease to be a comfort and start to become an obstacle to growth, to relationships, to happiness and even to health. Compulsive hoarding is not uncommon and, of course, it occurs on a continuum -- from a bit of unsightly clutter to an uninhabitable home. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses hoarding behavior, what it is and why it happens and how to begin to help a loved one who is a hoarder. She illustrates the challenges with a story about a dear friend whose possessions are limiting his options as his health deteriorates. She also talks about how all of us, hoarders or not, need to reorder our priorities as well as our possessions as we age.

What lessons in love can we learn from the college admissions scandal that has been grabbing headlines in recent months? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the importance of allowing our children to experience the consequences of their choices and actions, to get experience in facing disappointment and going on. Helicopter and steamroller parents who seek to protect their children from disappointment and smooth their way in life may be doing their children no favors. Parental counsel and support for their children's dreams are certainly important. But most important of all are the lessons parents can teach their children by example -- to become good, kind and caring people.

What do we do when dreams don't come true? When we do the best we can and still it isn't enough to achieve a treasured goal? In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about the importance of embracing failure as part of the fabric of our lives. Fear of failure can immobile us and make success impossible. Learning to live with failures and imperfections can help us to learn, to grow and to discover new possibilities in our lives.

Women's lives are busier than ever today. In these frantic and divisive times, kindness, caring and building a healthy lifestyle are especially important for our well-being. In this episode, Dr. McCoy interviews Susan Spencer, the editor in chief of Woman's Day Magazine, about how women can bring more kindness, better self care and heart healthy habits into their daily lives.

What is it like to be childless -- whether by choice or circumstance?  In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the assumptions we make about childless people -- about their reasons, their motives, their character and their lives -- and why these assumptions often may not to be true. She looks at the reasons some of us are childless and how, nevertheless, those without children can make warm and loving connections with the next generation.

What's the one worst thing you can do while in conflict with your spouse? Silent withdrawal. It can be an aggressive, angry silence or a conflict adverse retreat from discussion. Either way, it can preclude a resolution and drive you apart. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how to overcome your disinclination to engage in difficult discussions in ways that can resolve issues and bring you closer.

There comes a time in life when mortality ceases to become an abstraction and is a daily reality -- as friends pass away, as we reach ages our parents never lived to see. Our health in later life is often a matter of genetic luck and, increasingly of personal responsibility as we seek healthy lifestyles to prolong the healthy years of our lives. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the importance of taking responsibility for our health, of saying and doing what we most want with those we love and of savoring each day of good health.

Losing the delicious feeling of being in love is a common hazard in long relationships. How can you rediscover each other and the love that seems to have faded in the routines of daily living? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses specific things you can do to warm your connection and bring new life to a relationship grown tired.

Today, this minute, you can bring light to another's darkness, warmth to their isolation, making a loving connection across the years and the miles. In this episode, Dr. McCoy suggests some of the people you might choose to remember and contact, even if they're not reachable by social media or email. These contacts, these sweet remembrances, don't have to take a lot of time -- and they can mean so very much to another.

Celebrities rule, sometimes quite literally, in our society and for those of us who are not famous, an encounter with a celebrity can be a memorable experience. It can be a fun story to tell, a meh moment or a less than pleasant experience one hopes to forget. In some rare instances, an encounter with a celebrity can be a life-changing event. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the lessons she has learned through celebrity encounters over the years. These lessons include: the importance of not make assumptions about another's life, not rushing to judgment about another's character, learning to make up one's own mind about an issue instead of taking a celebrity's word for it, realizing that celebrities, like the rest of us, aren't always what they seem but are much more fascinating and complex than any label -- just like us, that for some celebrities, an ordinary moment is a luxury and that kindness and compassion can make a crucial difference in another's life, whether or not celebrity is ever part of the equation.

Estrangement from an adult child can be a uniquely painful and lonely experience. In researching her recent book "We Don't Talk Anymore", Dr. McCoy discovered some surprising facts about such estrangements that she shares with listeners in this episode. She emphasizes that reconnecting with an estranged loved one can mean understanding why this is happening, why parents often need to be the first to extend an olive branch and how to begin to make peace with each other.

Are we more connected to the world and less with each other? What can you do when you and those you love spend more time staring at an electronic screen than seeing each other? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses tech addiction and ways to establish warm connections with those we love.

In moments of loneliness or nostalgia for the sweetness and passion of youth, do you find yourself thinking of a long-ago love and wondering what it might be like to have a second chance together? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the fantasy versus the reality of rediscovering a long-ago love and what it might take to give your love story a new and happy direction.

Have you tried to show your love for your adult child by unasked for advice or motherly truth-telling? And your son or daughter reacts with anger or quiet distancing? In this episode, Dr. McCoy suggests ways to be helpful without hurting, supportive without smothering. She talks about how to say difficult things in a way your adult child can hear them -- and when keeping quiet is the best way to show your love.

Too many times, as Emily lamented in Thorton WIlder's "Our Town", we don't see family and friends fully, truly, with love and appreciation, every, every minute. But when we do truly see and know each other in new ways, it can be a joy. In this episode, Dr. McCoy shares such an experience from her own life, hoping that this will inspire the listener to stop and see and truly cherish the family and friends who bless their lives.

Gray divorce has doubled in the past 30 years with most happening in the wake of a life transition like an empty nest. Waiting until the kids are grown helps them feel less upset about the divorce and mostly affluent people risk a divorce in their later years. These are some things everyone "knows" about gray divorce. But recent studies have found that reality can be quite different. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses some new discoveries about the prevalence of gray divorce, the reasons behind it and the impact this may have on adult children and on the former spouses as they build new lives in their later years.

Dr. McCoy wishes everyone a happy holiday season and announces that her podcast will be taking a brief holiday hiatus.

What can you do when you and a loved one differ on politics or religion? Despite the fact that so many in our country are divided on these and other aspects of our lives, disagreement doesn't have to be hateful, demeaning or dismissive. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses five ways you can disagree and still be united in your love and devotion to each other.

What is life really like in an over-55, active adult community? In this episode, Dr. McCoy responds to a listener's request for the pros and cons of such communities and how to make the decision whether to move to one or stay put in retirement.

What makes the difference between a love relationship that lasts and one that falters? There are many factors, of course, but tender loving care in maintaining a relationship can be a key to its thriving through the years. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses specific steps you can take to make your love relationship or a loving friendship grow stronger through the years.

What do you do when a friendship starts to change? How do you know if it's toxic -- and what can you do if it is? Is walking away your best or only option? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the signs that you may be in a toxic friendship, what to do and when to walk away.

What do you do when you love your partner but aren't feeling quite so "in love" anymore. Does this mean that it's time to move on or that you're reaching a new level of intimacy? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the differences between feeling in love and loving your partner as is day after day. While some lament the passing of that relationship phase of delight and fantasy and hope, she points out that truly loving another can be much better than any fantasies.

Why are so many people in tears as they watch the Fred Rogers documentary "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" Perhaps some of the tears come from the realization of how much we need to learn in this age of divisiveness and distractions. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the essential life lessons we can learn from examining the life of this gentle, loving man.

The joy of finding new love after being widowed or divorced can be tempered by conflict with adult children. They may resent the newcomer, be fearful of how they will fit into your new life, have a strong attachment to the way things were. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses what to do when your new happiness puts you at odds with your adult children and how to make peace.

It's a natural cycle of life, but sometimes catches us by surprise: the time when we turn to the babies of our youth for advice, comfort and support as we feel an autumn chill. As we reach midlife and beyond, we begin to pass the torch to the next generation. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the emotional aspects of this transition, the challenges and the joys, with her own examples and inviting listeners to share their own.

Like earthquake fault lines, relationship fault lines lie submerged in deep but largely unexpressed feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment, distrust and disillusionment. In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about how these can be a threat to relationships and how to prevent these from happening.

Experiencing the loss of peers is a particularly poignant part of midlife and beyond. With some of these special people, we lose not only a treasured friend but also a part of our own history. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses this difficult aspect of aging and pays a special tribute to Susan Ann Protter, her long-time literary agent and a singular force of nature, who passed away recently.

This episode is a review of the book "Prayer Wasn't Enough: A Convent Memoir" by Dee Ready. While obviously Catholic in nature, this book may be of interest to a larger audience as a coming of age story. It is a story with which so many of us can identify: dreaming a youthful dream that doesn't turn out quite the way one had hoped. We've all experienced that. Sometimes the dream can become a nightmare. Dee Ready's story traces her path from youthful idealism to disappointment, anguish and with time, mental illness. It also explores her road back to health and healing.

These days, whenever one of you says "I love you!" does it sound a little rote, a little stale? Are there other things you can say that will give renewed emphasis to your feelings of love and help your partner, life companion or dear friend feel even more cherished? In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about five alternatives to "I love you" that can bring extra caring, safety, intimacy and joy to your relationship.

Want to improve your relationship? Start feeling closer to your spouse? Many people think that making things better means the other person changing or hammering out agreements together. Sometimes, though, quiet, subtle changes you make in your own behavior without big announcements can make a significant difference. In this episode, Dr. McCoy describes five quiet strategies for making a difference in your life together.

In this special edition of "Living Fully", Dr. McCoy discusses suicide: what to do if someone you love is depressed, even suicidal, or how to help yourself in the wake of a loved one's suicide.

We all live with ghosts of the past -- whether from childhood experiences, trauma or abuse or from the impact of unhappy relationships later on in life. These can impact our lives in many ways from our self-image to our ability to connect and commit to others. In this episode, Dr. McCoy talks about how to overcome or learn to live with these ghosts from the past, how to reconcile our past with our present and find new beginnings.

Love and intimacy are not constant but recurring between times of distance or the busyness of everyday life. And too many couples panic when their ardor seems to cool and wonder if this means they don't belong together. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the natural cycles and rhythms of an intimate relationship, how not to panic during times of distance and appreciate anew falling in love again ...and again.

As we age, some of us develop the habit of checking out the obituary page in the local newspaper. At first, we might look primarily at the ages and, when noted, cause of death. As the ages become uncomfortably close to our own, we may find ourselves reading about another's life and, in some instances, finding unexpected inspiration. In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses a particularly inspiring obituary she read recently -- for Velma Elizabeth Coffin Kwart, M.D. -- Dr. Beth for short -- who had a fascinating life as a surgeon, a mother, a wife, a delightful friend. She defied gender limitations of her day, spent a lifetime as a doctor serving the underserved -- Native American populations in Alaska and Arizona -- and shared her love of music with the community, with friends and family. Despite the losses of aging, she lived with gusto and grace all of her 95 years. Dr. McCoy notes how Dr. Beth is an inspiration to all in terms of surviving and thriving through loss of loved ones, loss of heath, and finding new ways to be engaged with life in all the transitions we face through the years. She observes that, however long we have on this earth, we always have a choice. We can choose to grumble, complain and demand or we can remain fully engaged with loved ones and with life. We can choose to live with love, enthusiasm and emotional generosity through every precious day.

Most people crunch numbers and seek out financial advisors in their pre-retirement years. Many dream of relocating to a warmer climate and closer community where living might be less expensive. But what about the emotional aspects of your new life? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the realities of retirement and how important it is to examine your priorities, your plans to replace your job with new passions and interests. She talks about the phases of retirement: the honeymoon phase, the settling in phase and, finally, the time when you find yourself living with new limitations. It's possible to live fully and with joy in every phase, especially if you have planned for growth, involvement, giving back and finding pleasure in your retirement years.

What do you do when an adult child makes an unreasonable demand for your money, your time or other resources and threatens estrangement, no contact with grandchildren or even suicide if you don't comply? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses how to deal with such emotional blackmail in ways that can benefit your children, grandchildren and your own pocketbook and peace of mind.

In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses the importance of mindfulness in our lives, taking time to notice small, special moments that can add immeasurably to our daily joy.

Do you have the blended/extended family holiday blues that are most common when those you love most may not love each other? In this episode, Dr. McCoy discusses what to do when holiday celebrations of family togetherness are minefields for discord, disrespect, conflict and rejection. She discusses ways you can help to make more enjoyable family gatherings happen.    

We all have our own thoughts and dreams about what it might mean to live our bliss. In this episode, Dr. McCoy tells the story of Marta Beckett, the Broadway dancer from New York who became the legendary Ballerina of Death Valley. She had long dreamed of having her own one-woman show on a permanent stage and found her bliss when a flat tire stopped her and her husband in Death Valley. While getting the tire fixed, she discovered an abandoned building that she envisioned as a theatre -- and the rest is legend. What is your dream? Your idea of bliss? Dr. McCoy discusses the obstacles we often find in living our bliss and how to overcome these.