Bipolar Inquiry

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI'm having trouble with lifestyle design right now. And people are starting to notice. Namely, my family, because I'm living with them. And I'm feeling like, I just don't have freedom of movement. So if I read something or write something, and I feel energy to maybe create a video or something, I don't have the space and quiet in order to do that. There's a TV going on the other side of my wall, or there's people walking overhead. And I'm finding, I'm really sensitive to all of that right now. And so it's a challenge. And I just feel partly like, being away for so long. And then coming back, I really just want to get into being able to create what I want to create. Because I couldn't necessarily do that. while I was away, and also I did get to create what I wanted to create while I was away, I ended up coming off my meds. So to be back, and then just sort of sit and vegetate isn't resonating with me. And I find it hard to read or think if there's a TV going on the other side of the wall. So I'm attempting to cohabit. But it's really challenging. And it's only temporary until I go back to the other place or whatever. But even for now, it's challenging. So it's making me ponder some things that I've read about stoicism after watching a talk by Tim Ferriss. And there's a guy I think his name's Jamie holiday, and he wrote a book. Or at least a chapter in a book called the obstacle is the way oh my gosh, it's a hummingbird. I don't know if you saw the hummingbird. But that was really exciting. So it feels like an obstacle in my living situation. That's temporary. But it also was teaching me what I can live with and what I can't. So when I go to my next place, I have to keep in mind that I can't necessarily live in a hollow apartment building where there's going to be TV noises on every wall. And I'm just feeling more comfortable in general in nature, in California was just full of nature and beauty. And I had a small space for my personal space of living. But when I went outdoors, it was just like being in a park was like living in a small room in a park. Whereas living in a small room, in a basement of a house is feeling quite stifling in a way. It's good, because I will get out of the house. And that that's a good thing to do while the weather is still nice because it's going to get really, really rainy and cold within a relatively short period of time. So in terms of the obstacle is the way I'm seeing my living situation as an obstacle, but it's also allowing me to question how to design my life moving forward. And even something as simple as getting that battery pack is really helpful. So that helps with being able to be out and about and mobile. So it feels good to keep moving. And perhaps part of what feels stifling is that I can't just talk to myself when I want to. Because there are people around and they don't know that part of it. I didn't say that. I talk myself on video. So I need quiet and I need to be able to think and I need space. And this leaf is really cute. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI'm going to try and remember what I want to talk about. Yesterday, I did some more of the Muse meditations, I did a couple of them. And I did it later at night. So I noticed that I was able to stay in the neutral or calm space. For most of the time, I only spent three seconds in an active brain state. They have three categories active, neutral, and calm. And I was neutral or calm for about half the time. So this app is showing that my brain is actually quite calm. And I'll show those results I earned. I think I earned 13 birds, I can't remember, I'm not looking at the picture right now. But I will show the picture. And I got more complaints than usual. And then, after I did that first time, I tried it again, because I wanted to see what would happen if I was looking at my computer and typing on my computer when I first started just for comparison. So I did that. And I noticed that the app was giving me really stormy weather sound. So I knew that my brain was likely active. So I didn't want to waste the whole session. So then I just sat in the calm space. And notice that my brain went into the con. So I will show that just to compare that. Yeah, if my eyes are open, I'm looking at the computer, my brain is active. But if I close my eyes, and I'm calm, then my brain calms down. And then for the next challenge, they want me to do a seven minute meditation. So I will do that tonight. It's getting late, so it's quieter. That's a better time to do it. Because otherwise, any little noise could potentially distract my brain. And then I was looking at the Muse monitor app. And then I noticed for the first time that I could actually take a landscape screenshot of the data that it was showing me. And so when I did that, I actually noticed there was another line. So in the vertical screenshot, it just shows 40 hertz and 56 hertz. So I remember when I showed that once I guesstimated, one of my little amplitude bars in gamma at about 53 hertz. But when I actually took the landscape screenshot, I noticed that that bar that I was wondering about was about two thirds the way between 48 and 56, which means that that band actually was 54 hertz. It wasn't 53 hertz. And so I googled 54 hertz, and I came across this YouTube video. And it's called 54 hertz, Ascension frequency. binaural beats synchronicity with sacred geometry, quantum string 432 hertz, and it shows a little calculation underneath the video. It shows 432 hertz divided by eight octaves. And it says 54 hertz being the fundamental frequency of the quantum string, in this primordial by neuro beats sound template. And then it gives a bunch of other information. So it's calling 54 hertz, the fundamental frequency, and something about an ascension frequency. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI'm definitely feeling more blocked as the days go on. I think it's a good idea to get out of the house. I feel this discontent, like just living in a room in a basement suite. And waiting for some kind of security isn't good enough. And yesterday, I watched a TED talk by Tim Ferriss called why it's important to map your fears or something about fear setting. Why fear setting is more important than goal setting. And I recommend that for sure. And I'll probably listen to it again, and attempt to map some of my fears, because there's definitely some fear preventing action right now. And after watching that, I felt like inaction is more costly than action, even if there is some fear there. So I think I'm just going to start some kind of business even though I don't know what I'm doing. Because the cost of that would just be perhaps, the waste of money involved in the process of setting it up, which isn't that much, I don't think. And I could learn a lot along the way. And I also made a playlist today called Omni polar consciousness. And I think I'll add videos there that I watch and that I feel like are good to watch again, for myself or maybe for other people, because a lot of people say some really good stuff. So why repeat what they say obviously wouldn't repeat what they say I might extrapolate a little bit on what they say. But I don't want to do too much of that because I also came across a website called daily stoic, calm. And I came across this website because Tim Ferriss talked about stoicism. And I know the word stoic, but I'd never really heard of stoicism so I looked it up. And it's interesting, because it says that it's more about action than words. So to me, it's a sign that I need to get more with action than with all these words. And I think I'll still say words, but there needs to be action. So forget about all the words that I'm typing up for later. And just say words, but related to the actions I'm doing now, what I'm saying is, I created too many words to actually catch up with it.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So I don't know how I'm going to deal with this TV noise. Today is officially two months off medications. And I'm feeling pretty good. But right now is the time I have warned myself about which is PMS time. So I'm feeling a little bit like how am I going to get through these next months, living in a small room with a TV going on the other side of the wall. And I haven't been exposed TV in many months. And I'd forgotten how much I dislike hearing it going on and on through the wall. And a lot of it's bad news. And there's just stuff that I don't want to hear all the time. It really bothers my nervous system. But it seems like I have a little bit of space from that right now. So I'm going to talk to myself. And yeah, two months off meds. Not sure how I'm going to do this next while I just don't really have open space to just talk to myself whenever I want unless I figure something out. A little less conversation a little more action. All this aggravation and satisfaction in me. That's what the lyrics say online. I didn't know satisfaction was a word. And I don't know if that's what is said in the song, but it's what it says online. Right now I'm struggling with what action to take. I maybe just want to keep talking to myself. And that's the action I want to take. Which isn't really action, but I don't know what else to do. I feel kind of trapped. And I need to slowly get in tune with a new epigesturetics matrix. My epigesturetics matrix from California is now gone. And I'm feeling it. It was different to just walk outside in nature and so much quiet so much darkness so much beauty. So it's taking some adjusting for sure. And I don't know if I will be able to adjust, I might need to find a way to get my own space sooner than I was planning. And I forgot to include my first grocery shopping video, trying to get some healthy food, whether or not I spend time making that healthy food is another story. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHThere is something however, though, and I don't talk about this too too much I don't think but the real I don't want to say the real but there's something to thought to the fact that bots kill us. And it's not my thoughts killing me. It's, there's this thoughts fear of all these means. And they're tied into our physiology and they're going through our nervous system and causing emotions and, and then we need something to relieve those emotions. So we react and we try to do something to, to get rid of it. And I feel like maybe sometimes I have a bit of an easier time because I did work quite a bit before I was ever labeled who have a clear and quiet mind. And it's not always that way. But I don't have any commentary going on in my mind and my brain on a regular basis, at least. And I'm wondering if that meditation headband will help me show that in some way, like, if thoughts are correlated with beta, and then I do that meditation band, even when I'm alert, and there's no beta waves or very little, then it might be able to show that to some extent, or to show what brainwaves can be possible during a waking and alert state, yet not have this hyper vigilance of thought going on all the time. So when I do have a torrent of thoughts, in something like a so called psychosis, it's very intense. But that's not there all the time. So I don't have to spend every day reacting to it or trying to pacify it. It's only when it is there. Every it seems like six to eight months. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHAs a transconscious person with acquired highly sensitive person hood, I really like traveling by train. I just wait on the platform, I just hopped on the train. No arriving two or three hours early. No security checks. No waiting for the airplane to take off, which I don't like no getting on this tiny little airplane that's going to be flying up 30,000 feet in the air. And I can do it. I don't mind it. But when I have the time, I just like to go nice and slow. And there's lots of leg room. It's gonna be a very nice ride. I downloaded some movies from Netflix. And I subscribe to a 30 day trial of Kindle unlimited. And I bought a book called 1000. Number 1000 by Rama jesh or something. And so read some of that. And I have access to Veronica to galva book or whatever her name is through the Kindle unlimited. So I might read some of that, I might try and organize some of my notes. So when I go home, I can talk about them. And I got some snacks for the train. I was thinking I might fast on the train. But I don't want to stress my body out any more than just the transition back home. And hardy nutritional said don't do anything that can be too shocking to the body. So I'll just continue to eat junk. And I also got this two of them and a bunch of these raw revolution bars. I'm pretty sure this is my favorite brand of bar. But they changed the packaging and they no longer sell it where I'm from. And they didn't have the flavor that I really liked, which was cinnamon raisin it basically tastes like a cinnamon bun, but it was a raw vegan bar. So I grabbed some of these. And I got one of this kind. And I have some water. Because snacks on the train are kind of expensive. It's around $5 for a bag of chips and water. And for some reason I feel really thirsty on the train. I drink a lot of water. And last time on the way down, I brought a bunch of food bars. But then I was craving salt and I didn't have any chips. So So this time I'm prepared. I got myself I got my sweet, I got my juice, I got my water. And now it's just a matter of if I can carry all of this I will have to get off the train and board the bus to Canada and then get off the train with all my stuff at the border. And that's going to be heavy. And that'll be all she wrote. So I'm on my way back and in less than a couple days I'll know if I will have done it. If I will have gone to California and reach my dream of getting back and also reaching the dream of tapering off meds and seeing how that integration period goes. I really hope it all goes more than smoothly. The train is coming. Which is tempting. This guy needs to be read to pharmacy. You told them at a table with my medicine you told me to take you to take them with the menial. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI came across a tweet this morning by crest, B, D. And they were talking about a new study that's coming out, or that they're starting on bipolar disorder, titled, do ambitious, and exploratory behaviors drive creativity in bipolar disorder in search of a mechanism. So they're searching for a mechanism of creativity, in bipolar disorder, in order to better support people's strengths or be more strengths based in somebody's recovery. And that sounds lovely. But I kind of wonder, is there a mechanism to creativity? Or is it that we're so mechanized as a humanity, not as one person with bipolar disorder or whatever, but it's sort of flabbergasting for someone to have something called an illness, a mental illness yet have this gift, this real capacity for creativity. So maybe by discovering a mechanism, they can support people in their recovery. But I don't know. If creativity can be mechanized, or if it's something that I'm not sure what I'm saying, but we're so mechanized as human beings, into functioning in society. And so many of us have lost our creativity throughout our lives. If we're even in touch with it at all, though, we likely were as children. And since creativity is so repressed and under expressed, because we're so mechanized as human beings, it's overexpressed in a few individuals, relatively few. And then they're said to have this mental illness called bipolar disorder yet, how is somebody with such a disorder? Such a defect, such an illness to be so wonderfully creative at times? So what is that all about? What is the mechanism? What in my mind? We were all wonderfully and perfectly creative as children, before we were mechanized. And then, as a mechanized adult, we look at people who have broken out of this mechanism or, or temporarily break out of this mechanism and are restored to natural, innate creativity and say, Well, what is the mechanism? When perhaps we need to look at the mechanisms that prevent us all from being that creative. It just seems to be the state of amnesia, and it's all that we forget how we came here as human beings, and it says, Do ambitious and exploratory behaviors drive this creativity. Well, we had ambitious and exploratory behaviors as children. And why don't we all have ambitious and exploratory behaviors, and if we all did, maybe a few relatively few wouldn't need to overcompensate for this because we are one consciousness. So if there's a natural capacity in humanity as a whole that is not unfolding and manifesting and expressing as that energy of creativity, then it's going to break through in some, because our brain is so full of mechanisms that block the creativity. creativity, creative, energy, nervous system, create, functioning, bipolar disorder, mechanism, problems, people, bipolar, glimpse, structure, learning, moving, explore, ego, mechanized, life, driveSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI'm definitely feeling this extrapolative tension, this tension to extrapolate. And that happened because I've been getting some synchronistic emails in my inbox. And I'm sure all of us have experienced this. But it's nice to have the subtle synchronicities from the universe, these subtle messages in disguise of benign emails from people that are on their mailing list. And today, I was listening to something because I got an email from Dabney Alex, and I'm on her mailing list, as she was the woman who organized the shades of awakening summit, online summit on mental health in 2015. And I listened to all of it, and it was really good. And I did talk to her once on the phone. And I wanted to utilize some of her services to try and start something. But then I ended up in the hospital. And then that was my really bad hospitalization. So anyways, I didn't, but I read her email. And before I get into that, because I'm really, really not into linear logical order at all. I just want to share that I was editing my last video and I talked a lot about reaching my dream of being back in California. And I didn't even mention because I'm that forgetful that I reached my hugest dream of all which is to be medication free. And to be even more nonlinear. Two weeks today, I will be home from California, because I'm taking the train. So it'll take about two days on the train. So two weeks from now, today, I will be waking up at home. And so yeah, the biggest dream was really to taper off these meds. And I've been able to accomplish that. And I think that I feel a lot of the changes. And I could talk about the changes and I have along the way. But perhaps just going through this year, it's easier to see the changes. And maybe now that I'm off the meds, it's going to be easier to be the change that I wish to be as Gandhi might say. And so the messages I've been getting to my inbox are interesting because they're all about sort of speaking up. And Dabney shared that she listened to this Ted Radio Hour about speaking up. And so I read her article and how the first woman in that podcast she speaks up about being queer in a country where basically, you could be tortured for that. And so it's just interesting, because at some point, I will want to share and I'm seeing that maybe I'll want to unfold some of this movement towards sharing because it is challenging, and I could actually go out there and get someone to help me figure out what to share what not to share, when to share, why to share, why not to share, etc, etc. Or I could just really unfold that for myself, which is something I've been doing all along is just unfolding things for myself and, and moving into that understanding. Yet at the same time, we're all connected so people send messages to each other and whatever salient we can pick up on. talk, share, unfold, acceptable behavior, ted radio hour, feel, speaking, meaning, email, unacceptable, dream, dabney, moving, messages, understanding, salient, helpful, framed, extrapolate, powerfulSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHAnd then I said something to myself on video that scared me. It actually created this visceral fear response. And I could feel this fear energy just pouring out of my, my chakra I don't know, the belly one, what's that called? Like the power center, not the heart, the navel or something. And it was so intense. And then it sort of spread down my legs and through my whole body. And I just felt so afraid. And it was so obvious that I had made my nervous system weak. And what I said on video actually deleted. I was like, I can't say that. Because it felt like a premonition and felt like a prophecy or it felt like inviting that into my experience or increasing the likelihood of it being a possibility or maybe it is actually going to happen. And so just by seeing it and saying Oh, but I'm okay with that. And then seeing my body's response, it was almost like I'm not okay with that. And I don't know if I'm not okay with saying that. I'm not okay with having that as a premonition or a possibility. Or that that's going to happen in this life or that it happened in a past life. This is where fear can open up. This sort of nonlinear interpretation is happening now. It was just something I said that made me afraid, but it made me afraid of something in the future or something of the past possibly, and I don't know which. entropy, fear, nervous system, naproxen, vitamin c, feel, cramps, energy, pain, broke, nutritionals, transferred, move, understanding, gesture, chaos, processing, bit, release, bodySupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHAnd I just got a phone call from my brain twin, and found out that for the last two weeks, he hasn't had his independence. He's in the psych ward. And I don't really know the American system very well, but something about a 15 day hold, and then 30 day hold possibly after that. And more even I don't know. So I'm going to go down and visit him next week, and also drop off the electric car that he lent me. And I'm just sort of wondering what can be done to start to create some of these medication free respite centers, because without them, we just get funneled into the mental health system, and he's getting injected with medications. And it's pretty hard to taper off that when one is having people inject things into someone. I had control over my medications, and I was able to taper off of them. But if I was being injected, and someone's driving me there to get my injection and things like that, or I'm in the hospital getting injected, it's pretty hard to make a self directed choice to not be on them. So I really don't know what to do. And maybe I can kind of hope that sharing some of this journey I've been through has shown a little bit that there is a need for those sorts of things because I was able to stay out of the psych ward in January because I had all the wonderful relationships at the clubhouse. And they sort of acted as a one day temporary respite for me to gather myself enough to go and stay with my family and just sort of medicate myself with extra Seroquel without having to go to the hospital and be re traumatized by that. And maybe get a doctor that would drug me up on something that I didn't want. But this way, I was able to just take extra Seroquel for a week or so and then go about my life. And then I managed to get to California because of that. Whereas that crisis happened on something like January 23. clubhouse, respite, medications, system, create, talk, psych, week, drugs, california, relationships, seroquel, support, hospital, center, stay, supportive, dialogue, people, wardSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI'm at the beach and that lady, right? by those crows, hind me right there. That lady there, she's completely white hair, gray hair, she must be 65 or 70, at least. And she's just got her little body surfing board or whatever they're called. And she's just playing in the waves. And it's just one of the most enlightening things to watch. There she goes, again, to catch another wave right there. I did take a video, I might include it. I don't like to include videos of people. But this is just a beautiful example of play and being in nature. And there she is. So she just dove in. And then she gets back up. Well, the wave kind of crashes against her. She's still just going, she says, Oh, she knows these waves. Well, there's a woman over there. white hair. She's just out in waves and watch what she does. I want to do that. I'm here at the beach today, because I only have two more weeks after this to just play and have fun. So I'm going to focus more on that. pms, medications, nervous system, people, feeling, beach, stronger, nutritionals, doses, horses, meds, naproxen, waves, cramps, quarter, test, called, extrapolations, mountain, consciousnessSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHBecause I'm seeing a few things. And I'm not sure if they're true, but I'm seeing that hitting the ceiling, or really getting to the edge of beyond one's previous perceptions, really, pushing the boundaries of what has been perceptible to this particular individual can cause one to really bottom out. And it's happened to me numerous times before, and the bottoming out is usually some kind of crisis and that energetic, scary feeling in my heart. So yesterday, I was tired, I took a nap. And today, I was tired, too. And I was trying to nap and I was laying down and my brain was sort of active still, but I was partly asleep, and my brain really saw that we are the world or as Krishnamurti says, I am the world and the world is me. And my body got just a tiny bit freaked out like, ah, like, what do I do with that? What do I do with seeing that, because the brain is used to operating based on I am the ego, and the ego is me. So there's a little bit of fear, because how does one operate in this world based on one mode of operation and, and then start to see this other mode, and that mode gets warped into something that is not really what it is. And I've had a lot of insights into that today. And I don't know, if I really want to go into them. I've also had an insight into how this is sort of like sea sickness. But instead of SCA s E. Not that it's a sickness, I just thought using the word seasickness is kind of funny, because one is almost made ill by how much one can see. And I'm not talking about ill in terms of mental illness, but it's just difficult to know how to navigate when one feels like they see a lot more than what we're conditioned to see. So in saying that, I feel like I've been talking about embodying versus just having dialogue, which is sort of more of a mental activity. And going from seeing to being so a lot of my energy going through my brain is diverted to perception and actually seeing into things and seeing more and unfolding things and then talking about it, and I've sort of made myself not one dimensional, but that is the main way that this other energy is being utilized to perceive. But if I could see that, maybe I've seen enough. And I think that's what happens sometimes when I hit the ceiling is I've seen enough and the brain sort of reacts by retracting back down to quite a low level of consciousness, which happens in a way because what one sees when one sees too much can be scary, it can really show the brain how all of this works. brain, talking, feel, perception, moving, krill oil, nutritionals, technology, singing, body, embodying, energy, sing, wanting, thinking, writing, bought, world, rest, possibilitiesSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHToday marks the one year mark of talking to myself in self dialog, yay, celebrate. And I didn't even call it self dialog when I started self dialog, I just started talking to myself. And I feel like this next year could be about self embodiment. And not just self dialogue, though, through self dialogue, I was able to embody certain things, getting to California coming off medications, and I feel this will be more of an embodiment, because that energy will perhaps create a certain embodiment that's different from embodying someone attempting to get out of this forced embodiment of being in that other paradigm, I don't even want to say the words anymore. You know what I'm talking about. So the self embodiment includes self dialogue, but it's a little bit of something more. And it could be something more because the energy can move freely through this body and express itself. So the expression will be different when it's no longer expressing through those things that I was taking. And so it's a completely different expression could be something totally new. And when I was in my first map consciousness, state of multi dimensional intelligence and getting the download and the blueprint of my life, I connected with different things that didn't include the journey that I was then thrust into after. So I'm wondering if this will sort of put me back on that trajectory of over six years ago. And it's still the same trajectory, but it's different. And things aren't linear anyway. So it's just about a different level of consciousness. And through time, even going through that old paradigm that I was a part of, it's still helped me slowly to embody this, especially through this process of self dialogue this last year. So I really don't know what I'm going to talk about this year, or speak as speak as this energy that's not impeded by chemicals. I've talked about healing and altruism and lifestyle design. And I really don't know what it's going to be about. Because with how I was talking to myself, before I wanted my life to be about coming off those chemicals, and, and going to California. create, energy, creation, talking, blueprint, system, embody, video, life, voice, convince, nervous system, process, speak, dialogue, feel, translated, part, chemicals, consciousnessSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI'm making a really quick video because I'm about to go out. But I don't know if I will have time the rest of the day. And I want to at least say some of us today, because it's the 18th. And then Tomorrow's the 19th, which are my last two days to really talk about mental health. And I still will, because I feel like things have become more embodied this last week ish. So to me that definitely goes first compared to just talking to myself and making words with myself. And I just finished watching the fly whisperer clip. And I didn't put any commentary in there, because I'm actually talking in nature and talking to the flies, and the commentary is already in there. And it's interesting that I say, I wouldn't hurt a fly yet. After that experience with the flies A month later, I was diagnosed with bipolar, which kind of pins one into a category of potentially dangerous, and I still feel now that I wouldn't hurt a fly, I shared a video of a fly drinking out of my eye. And that's pretty weird and crazy. But that's kind of what I am, I am definitely a crazy person, I don't think I'm a mentally ill person. But I'm a crazy person. And when the flies kept flying in my head, it felt like perhaps in that state, the light in my eyes was just as strong as the light of the sun or different things. And they also flew at the camera of the phone. So it has something to do with this witnessing and this and this light, something or other. And interestingly enough, while I was watching the fly video, there was a fly on my thumb while I was walking along watching it. And then it was sitting on my phone. And then I was looking at it. And just at that moment, a hummingbird flew right in front of me like right there. And it hovered there. And I looked at it with astonishment and awe. And I put my finger out like this for him to land. And when I did, he didn't immediately fly away. But he didn't land either, unfortunately, but he stayed there. And then he flew away. And I've never had one that close to me. And so obviously fly right up to me. And I found it interesting that I was watching the video I made six years ago that at the time, right after watching it, I felt like there was some power to order like I was just in this powerful state where people and animals sort of get along and there's a different communication going on. Apart from the regular dialogue of Oh, that's a gross housefly, let's kill it. It was something completely different.fly, talking, state, feel, people, magic, hummingbird, person, consciousness, energy, read, watching, higher levels, perception, dialogue, extrapolations, video, diagnosed, month, prolongedSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI have about half an hour until my bus comes, I could go all the way the end of the trail, but then I would probably miss the bus. So I stopped here. And so yeah, I'll do a bit of a video. I called hardy nutritionals today and told them about the anxiety I was having over the weekend. And they said, that's pretty normal. And they said, I could take more of the vitamin C. So today, I'm planning on taking three, at least, and I could go up more, it's kind of expensive. But they said it's only temporary, so maybe for a couple of weeks or a couple of months. So to me that's worth it. And then they told me to read this document they have on their website about things that can limit the process. And I read through it. And the stuff that can apply to me is that I do like to go rollerblading. And I was planning to start that sprinting a few times a week thing. But exercise can actually speed up the detox process and give more stuff side effects of coming off the meds. So I still chose to go rollerblading today, because it's sort of a Goldilocks day, just right for rollerblading, not too hot. And it's actually going to get really hot here in the next few days. And not too cold. And it was actually kind of cold and rainy over the weekend. So I wanted to take this opportunity. But I did sort of just stroll more, I didn't really skate too much a lot of its downhill. So I just sort of coasted and enjoyed myself. And I noticed that I didn't have any of that anxiety feeling. So that feeling could also be from sitting in front of the computer too much. I probably spent eight hours a day on the weekend in front of the screen between editing and making videos. And it felt good to get that all done. But I'm noticing that being indoors might not be good. And they said getting too much sun can be something that makes a person have more withdrawal effects, because of how it speeds up the detox process by heating up your body. And who knows maybe all that vitamin D goes into action trying to detox things as well. So I did spend a few hours in the sun on Friday. And I think I did the Sprint's that morning, and then I was in front of a screen. And so that could have all contributed to filling some of that anxiety. So I think the vitamin C, they also said drink more water and I could definitely drink more water, the water here in California is kind of gross compared to where I'm from. So yeah. And another thing that was in that document was menstrual cycle. And I was talking to myself about how I could really feel my PMS this last time now that I'm off the meds and it kind of coincided with the exact same time I stopped taking the meds. So I'm going to ask them about that next time I talked to them because it says take an extra dose of four vitamins for a week before or something. So I'm going to ask them for clarification about that, because I could probably use that. And they have another product, which is greens and probiotics, which I might ask them about. And also inositol, which they said is good for anxiety in that document. So I'm going to ask about that. If I'm going to be on hardy nutritional stuff, I may as well keep to their products and go all out with their products. Well, I'm deciding to do that not really muck around, not really say oh, well, I don't really have money for that I don't really need it, just try and make this process as smooth as possible. And that document I read said, people can have withdrawal effects for months or even a couple of years after coming off. So I think I need to keep that in mind and really reframe anything that I experience as a withdrawal effect and not a symptom of mental illness. clinicians, peer support, meds, read, support, system, talked, mental health, clinical, withdrawal effectsSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHI've had a note to myself about the law of least action in the mix of things for a while. And I first heard about that in a talk by Peter Russell, not Russell Peters, but Peter Russell, who I believe is some kind of physicist, and he studied consciousness. And his talk called the primacy of consciousness, which you can watch on SPR word calm, is really good. And he talks about the law of least action. And I don't remember what that is exactly. But I just saw now that in an extrapolation to mental health, it seems like the law of least action has something to do with ending one's life. So it takes the least amount of action to just end one's life and to not have to act ever again, not have to do anything ever again, and to take the fastest action, the least action to end the suffering. And so I feel like getting caught in that program to end one's life sometimes is a law of least action. And how can one not be caught in those memes that makes one feel like one needs to act that out and, and end this existence? And, and could there be another least action, which is when one can perceive something and understand it, and create more information and energy, so much more energy, to the powers of 10 more energy, when one can really perceive and understand something consciousness can access, so when then has a lot of energy. And so one can do a lot with that energy. So then one wouldn't fall into that vortex of the law of least action of consciousness, which might end the conscious existence of a particular organism. I don't know if that makes any sense, or if it matters, but I just saw that now. I feel like I should stop talking. But I'm going to keep going for a while. Maybe I'll just read. Work is force times mass times distance, the force is the energy of thought, or the energy of the infinity of the moment. The force of the moment, the moment is when we meet the moment and say, instead of having an immediate answer of words intersecting the moment, it feels like bipolar, when the process is still being processed by the ego, or within the ego framework of right wrong, good, bad, reward punishment. And the past. When we dis identify from that, it becomes a choiceless richness, we're overlaying the choice of good and bad over it. the right values can emerge instead of what are conditioned programs call right and wrong. All this takes attention. If we aren't attending, the ego will classify it with its binary code. choice. lessness is a quantum code that decodes the unknown possibilities, and is really about seeing the subtle words make things manifest, they make things things. gaia, brain, consciousness, energy, create, perception, structures, feel, dialogical, ego, thought, identified, action, meaning, edited, society, map, wordsenergy, create, mitochondria, mania, body, consciousness, state, process, thinking, move, bit, medications, energetics, feel, gravity, mental health, editing, translated, mitochondrial, oxygenconsciousness, perception, energizing, energy, movement, create, energetics, talking, feel, language, brain, thinking, commercial break, experience, word, moving, dimension, thoughts, reality, alignmentSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I have a lot to talk about with myself. And I'm feeling some anxiety. And it's been a week since I took any psych meds. And so yay, one week celebration. And last night, I had a bit of this feeling in my heart, which could be called anxiety. But it really feels like now that I'm off the meds, and I'm sort of out of this mental patient paradigm, just a little baby step outside of it really. I can feel energies coming back from before I wasn't relabeled and diagnosed over six years ago. So it's as if taking the meds and being defined as a mental patient, shifted my focus to that and, and being on the meds and being in that paradigm sort of made me forget about a lot of my problems. And so now that I've sort of gone through that main problem of getting outside the mental health paradigm, it feels like these energies are coming back and saying, Oh, yeah, remember all these problems that you had before you had this even bear problem of having a label and being given meds, which the meds do translate a lot of the other old problems into just symptoms of mental illness. And I feel like a lot of those problems actually, before being labeled get translated into sort of behaviors or so called symptoms, which lead one to get diagnosed with a mental illness, which then leads one to begin medications, which sort of gets rid of the symptoms, but it also gets rid of the problems that were leading to the symptoms by dragging the symptoms. So I'm seeing this mechanism. And I'm hoping that I can stay ahead of it. Because I can feel that there's going to be things that I really have to deal with. And if I can't deal with them, I might end up having to take a pill. So I have my coherence breathing as something I could do if this. This feeling in my heart doesn't subside. people, feel, meds, energy, mental illness, consciousness, colon hydrotherapy, labeled, translated, fat, months, create, called, lead, dialogue, mental health, medication, mitochondria, helping, patientconsciousness, meaning, translated, attention, altruism, energy, people, feel, talking, thinking, create, mental illness, histamine, direct, karma, direction, mental health, language, called, dialoguecreate, energy, consciousness, brain, moment, meanings, thinking, move, words, people, feel, context, produces, perception, act, ego, jarring, translated, information, mental healthSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I had a dream that I was talking quite sternly with the psychiatrist who overmedicated me last April. I remember that I don't really remember what I was saying. But I might have had some pretty strong words. And I don't remember that I was being rude, I was just quite upset with the way I was treated. And along those same lines, in a way, this webinar was about the antidote to a lot of this. A lot of what I've talked about with myself and self dialogue in terms of the system, and troubles and problems in the system, would largely be eliminated. If what they were talking about in this webinar was implemented on a wide scale. The trouble is, it's implemented on a very, very tiny scale in the United States. And they were talking about it. And without further ado, the webinar was on self directed funding in mental health, and they already have it in some other health care sectors in the United States. 1.1 million people are using self directed funding, meaning there's a certain amount of funding one would get, if one had a certain struggle or a diagnosis or, or what have you, and then the person with the help of a broker can create a plan and, and put funding towards what one would like to participate with in terms of how they're going to get better. And that could be almost anything. And they didn't talk too much about examples of what that might look like. But they did in the webinar. It's a Mental Health Commission of Canada webinar, it'll probably be on their website soon. And there is a website called self directed mental health.org. self directed, direction, people, webinar, funding, direct, talking, person, support, mental health, goals, psychiatrist, recovery, seroquel, services, happening, helping, create, medication, clinicianself directed, talking, mania, funding, embody, goals, mental health, people, direction, energy, dialogue, moving, directing, feel, system, create, consciousness, medication, meds, changepeople, meaning, consciousness, feel, state, society, reality, talking, mental illness, moment, experience, mania, brain, bridging, person, pull, higher, ego, point, bridgeSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Last night, I had a really good sleep, I started to feel kind of sleepy and I was laying in bed. And I actually fell asleep shortly after 930. And I took the six amino acid caps, as well as a Benadryl and slept through the whole night, didn't even wake up to go pee. And I slept about 10 hours. And I really needed that sleep after the weekend. So I'm feeling a lot better. And it feels good to have fallen asleep for the first time. Pretty naturally, after being completely off my segments, Saturday night was the first night off, and Sunday was the second. And both those nights were kind of difficult, and I had to take a second Benadryl. And I had a friend here, which made it a little bit more difficult. But back to my usual, cozy routine, and I just took one, Benadryl and fell asleep quite easily. It seems like there's a window of falling asleep between 830 to 1030, that it's good for me to just sort of stay calm and relaxed and ready to go to sleep when I'm ready. So I will be extra careful with that. And I made some notes yesterday after I finished editing my video about new elements to have dialogue about. And one of them is how I've talked myself out of the mental health system. And now I need to perhaps talk myself out of going back into it or talk to myself to stay out of it. So I could get complacent with the dialogue with myself and figure that I can just keep going and not really have to talk to myself now that I'm out of the system. But the thing is that the usual context of mental health is all around me. And the usual context of society that can actually be quite, I don't like the word triggering, but provoking for some of these other elements, because I find that I'm quite sensitive. So if I can at least have some conversation with myself almost every day in a way that it seems that I want to, then that could provide some of the energy to be able to keep my head above the clouds. medications, meds, brain, support, bipolar disorder, energy, dialogue, people, transcending, consciousness, mental illness, mental health, label, system, bipolar, informed consent, medicated, talking, feel, nutrientslife, moving, mental illness, people, meds, stigmatize, extrapolations, medication, moment, system, micronutrients, talking, brain, mental health, labeled, creating, experiences, process, bandwidth, adeptyoda, talking, trauma, video, psychiatrists, mental illness, feel, transitioning, edit, chose, medication, bumblebee, treatment, experience, energy, translate, medicated, force, insect, partSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Today, I feel kind of tired and grumpy. And I was wondering if it's something to do with a second night in a row of taking just 1/8 of my medications. But on second thought, it probably has more to do with PMS. So I think I'm just a little bit early today. And so it wasn't really good timing to watch a webinar put on by the Mental Health Commission of Canada, on social enterprise. And it was called social enterprises, an innovative approach to creating employment opportunities for people with mental illnesses. And they are panel of speakers. And they were people who had social enterprises and employed people with mental illnesses, and other people who run different kinds of enters social enterprises that actually were integrated with clinical services, like reporting to the clinician about things. And I thought that was a bit weird. Again, it's sort of warped into something that is being done to us. I don't know anyway, I think social enterprises are great. And I think it was just more PMS, hearing the way that some of them were talking. One person said, Oh, sometimes we pair a healthy person up with a person with mental illness. Like, what? How can someone judge who's healthy and who's not. And it's just lame to say that, and it really bothered me to hear the way they were talking about people. So it was actually a good reminder for me to remember how people who work in the system or in any kind of framework where they're saying, Oh, these people over here have illnesses, and we over here are healthy. It just really bothers me. And it just rubbed me the wrong way. people, create, functioning, social enterprise, drugged, society, manic, medication, potential, talking, recovery, mental health, mental illness, function, life, consciousness, brain, possibilities, ego, energymeanings, symptoms, thought, suppress, drug, side effects, transforming, understand, brain, sleep, understanding, hovered, flew, meaningful, nutritionals, order, trauma, medication, pill, processmeds, videos, talking, vitamin c, jarring, continue, month, pms, people, mistakes, conversation, brain, put, longer, medications, experiences, feel, watching, hardy, nightfeel, sleep, nutritionals, friend, asleep, energy, insomnia, phone, hardy, wake, charger, stress, minutes, bed, caps, fall, feeling, chest strap, meds, tomorrowSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I woke up at some point because I thought I heard a knock at my door. And I just heard like one knock like knock, but maybe a couple other faint knocks. But the one knock woke me up. And it was sort of similar to how that scary heart energy wakes me up. But I didn't feel afraid. But I woke up and as soon as I woke up, then I could hear the Krishnamurti talk that I was listening to. And right at that moment, he was talking about telepathy and being able to read people's thoughts and how when the body becomes extremely sensitive, we can get connected to those types of powers and psychic powers and things like that. But he is one to also say that it's important not to get caught up in those things. Because it's kind of like playing with a children's toy. You can just get stuck in that. And there's something that could be even beyond all that. Like by focusing on one thing, if I could often read people's thoughts, and then I decided to devote my whole life to that I wouldn't be accessing the richness which might include reading people's thoughts every now and then. And then a whole dynamic thing of other aspects the rest of the time. And I don't know if that's what he's saying exactlyextrapolation, movie, brain, sensation, feel, truman show, thought, woke, create, powers, synchronicity, people, consciousness, krishnamurti, watching, krishna, read, hallucination, called, nutritionalstruman show, feel, consciousness, ego, belief, constricts, sing, universe, insight, changing, terms, unrestricted, mental illness, celebrities, experience, structure, form, create, brain, entertainmentbrain, ego, possibilities, thought, memory, talking, movies, state, produces, frontal cortex, phone, buy, video, making, mania, information, narrowing, reading, gigabytes, structuremoment, nutritionals, lithium, memory, brain, created, ego, story, creative, dialogue, flies, consciousness, mimetic, energy, mania, emp, recall, process, person, labeledSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I've definitely talked to myself about a lot of different perspectives outside the tradition of the mental health system and psychiatry. And you mentioned social contact theory. I don't know what that is. And he said something about new dialogues and new insights. And that's what I've been doing with myself because partly because the system doesn't listen, I used to work in the system. And then I put a complaint into the system about my experience got a kind of blocked reply. Nothing's gonna change based on just sending in complaints here and there. So that's one of the reasons why I just talked to myself because nobody else is going to listen or has time to listen, or wants to listen or can listen or has the capability of listening because all they can hear is what they've been trained through their expensive schooling, to believe and And so many things. So I just talked to myself. And maybe nobody will ever listen to anything that I've said. And that doesn't matter because the process fulfills its own purpose, whether anyone ever listens or not. And last night, I realized that when this energy comes in and map consciousness, it's trying to get us embodied. So that's why it's more of just a movement of thought, in the brain, and living in those movements of thought, but we start living in the movements of the body. And that's part of the reason why we feel like we don't have control, because usually we're living in the movements of the thoughtsmoment, brain, consciousness, people, energy, nutritionals, feel, clinicians, talked, hallucinations, thoughts, dialogue, delusions, night, creates, perception, learning, medication, map, actingperception, energy, talking, salient, ego, people, insight, language, move, consciousness, create, structure, brain, synergy, part, mimetic, speak, feel, synergistic, unfoldSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I think there's an energy that is creating that kind of mutation in the brain. So there's an energy that feeds us, after we're born, to start creating that, and then one day, it'll probably be wired in the genetics. So we just are born with that worldview. And I wrote down another question, what would compassion do? What is compassion? And it seems like we take meds partly to stop the feeling of urgent danger. Yet, if the brain is operating at the level of thought, it technically is in urgent danger. And we all are. But when we go to those other states, we actually feel it. Or we go above where we feel safe and wonderful. And like, we're part of the infinity. And when our brain comes back down into the level of thought, we realize that it's a scary place. For real, like a felt sense of it. It seems we need genes to process the poisonous medium of thought, and not be poisoned by it. And I think beauty is the antidote, which is of a different quality, it's a different brain quality altogether. So can we go through those thoughts, structures and transform and then no longer contribute to that chaos. When we get pathologized, and labeled and put on meds, we continue to contribute to that chaos of the world? Well, not intentionally, but we'd sort of get sucked back into it, when the process was trying to transform us into a place of a different quality. And that quality would help to transform humanity in some way. But if we're not able to transform and be of that quality, and try apps try to find ways to make all this meaning and do something meaningful. Krishnamurti says you must give your life to understand your life. And to me, that sounds a little bit like if we're operating just based on thought. We think we understand we think we know things. And we're not in a state where we're actually enquiring into things and wondering and not knowing. So can we put perception first, can we put it ahead of thinking, and thus thinking that we know and I feel like there's a language to mania...mania, consciousness, brain, state, world, energy, thought, programs, feel, information, people, probable, quantum, oxytocin, create, meaning, language, person, partly, talkingego, energy, meaningful, brain, meaning, feel, state, mania, night, structures, bits, people, vitamin c, thought, asleep, hacking, hacked, thoughts, falling, wordsthought, consciousness, gaia, david bohm, process, feel, meaning, nature, proprioception, part, map, perception, insight, nonlocality, translated, work, happening, speak, words, energymania, people, thinking, moving, consciousness, energy, feel, insight, state, mannerisms, beauty, dimension, bodhisattva, brain, process, dialogue, point, flamboyant, manic, meaningSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

brain, gamma waves, perception, capability, thought, moment, beta waves, state, consciousness, present moment, medication, energy, mania, negative, empathy, attentionvideos, meds, audios, feeling, organized, youtube, california, coming, iphone, medication, june, tunes, extract, talking, created, rescue, point, upload, update, milestonemania, language, david bohm, worldview, perception, consciousness, thought, brain, fragmentary, irrelevance, structure, transform, unrestricted, order, changing, meaninglanguage, mania, perceptions, vitamin c, brain, linguistic relativity, worldview, months, hospitalized, tapering, sleep, hypothesisAnd he touched on gamma waves and how it was something about there's more waves and more light and more information. And gamma waves are 25 to 100 hertz, with typically being around 40 hertz. And he said, they may be implicated in creating the unity of conscious perception, the binding problem and he talked about the formation of ideas, linguistic processing, which I think is what I've talked about related to language creation and He also said there's various types of learning involved in gamma waves. And I've said this is a hyper learning state when we go into mass consciousness. And it's associated with bursts of insight, compassion and high level of information, processing and inspiration. And then it was interesting, I remember him saying, but I'm not going to go into that. And then he will focus more on the beta waves and how to maybe meditate to change the beta waves when I feel like if the gamma waves come in, they naturally deal with and put the beta waves in the right place. So it was interesting that he didn't want to go to that level. Maybe it's just time constraints. But I feel like a lot of what is out there that's supposed to be helpful is based on that level of cognition and beta waves and the me and all that. When if we had that gamma waves, that unity of conscious perception, maybe that would erase the other problems. But when we're operating from beta and trying to fix beta from beta, it's like a vicious loop that we can never get out of. And I think so called mania and map consciousness is related to gamma. And it's just that our brains aren't used to operating with gamma waves. And those gamma waves come in, and they're reorganizing the brain. And that could actually be the energy that's reorganizing and restructuring the brain, in order for the brain to be able to operate with those frequencies. But there's sort of new frequencies that we're accessing. Again, it's seeing and walking in a different world could just be a matter of these gamma waves that could be everywhere. ever present, that our brains just don't really have the brain cells to access, it's like having a radio station that's not in the range of the radio dial, you wouldn't be able to access it. And I wonder if General Semantics, or English prime, or a prime can help to release some of this beta energy block, the beta energy is blocking the gamma energy. And it's a way of speaking that avoids the verb to be. So instead of saying this is that you say this seems to be that at this moment, so it's interesting to look it up? And I think it would help a little bit to utilize that to some extent. Because as soon as we say this is that most of the time and no longer is that or never was that to begin with. But if we approach it with some apprehension and some tentativeness in our observations, then it's less something. So what is the intelligent use of language? Or how does intelligence use language? Are these gamma brainwaves related more to intelligence? And what kind of language does that produce? Not just in words, but in actions? Does intelligence use language to create more language? And does intelligence only use language in the moment where necessary related to the moment and in this way, the brain is not being constantly activated in the domain of memory. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

people, process, thinking, tapering, chatter, altruism, home, feel, talk, brain, meds, listening, bipolar, conversation, part, nutritionals, reacting, act, society, insightsbrain, energy, mania, programs, brain cells, beauty, society, thought, creates, talk, vibration, universe, life, writing, information, distracted, distraction, moving, values, livingmania, consciousness, talking, signs, bipolar, bit, audio, brain, coherence, supernova, happening, moment, energy, superhuman, thoughts, feeling, feel, autonomic nervous system, manic, homebrain, energy, structures, cognition, narrative, embodied, embodiment, thought, consciousness, thoughts, mania, bipolar, people, relates, map, book, feel, words, touch, bitAnd it seems we live in anticipation and not participation. Because we're always projecting what we're anticipating. And so we're participating with our own projections, but not actually what is I'm wondering when I go home, if I can improvise my life. I wonder if we can get to a place where life distracts us from the programs of society. And I think that's kind of what mania is, What magic is, is when we're so in tune with life, that we're distracted from the programs of society. And that's sort of what distraction is, it's sort of not paying attention to what we're told, we should be paying attention to what we're programmed to pay attention to. And then our own life energy moves us away from that which we're programmed and conditioned towards. And mania is just an exaggeration of this. So instead of working on something, and then being distracted, so called distracted for a couple of seconds, and then going back to it. It's like being distracted, and then distracted and distracted. But really, it's not really distraction, it's moving towards life, and moving with the life energy that we are. And when that first starts happening, it's kind of haphazard, because we've moved so far along a trajectory of programming. And the thing with the life energy too, is it's not necessarily purposeful. And it's not necessarily goal oriented in terms of what we've been programmed to do. I think there's value in so called distraction in that we're moving off the track that we've been pushed into by the pressures of our conditioning. And bomb mentioned that the values of society act so quickly that we feel like we've chosen something. But really, it's always our programming, and the values of society that we've been conditioned in. So there's an illusion, of freedom of choice. And these programs have power because of the values assigned to the programs. But we don't see the actual real value of beauty right in front of us. And it seems like there's no longer advantages to going along with all the prejudices of society in the community. And our nervous systems can no longer handle it. And in so called mania, it's like we're auditioning and interviewing for the universe, to work with the universe, and for the universe, and as the universe. And I'm not sure if I'll release this content as a supernova, just release it all at once. And I'm not sure if anyone's done videos that way, just releasing them all at the same time. It's a content supernova. And we can't play games with someone yesterday. But that's what we're doing by playing with our thoughts. We're playing with the things of yesterday, thoughts are playing the game of yesterday. And our nervous system is supposed to be a translator of light and information and energy. And not just a looper of thought. But the loop of thought is interfering with the clear translation. And if we can't translate the information, we can't transform. And I feel like language is a gift. It's a privilege and not a right. And we need to be careful how we use it. And something's wrong with the brain organ and that is not translating beauty. The sense of beauty is turned off. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So I've been avoiding making a video all day, and I'm not quite sure why. I'm not sure if my few days of feeling good are subsiding today, and I'm transitioning into the week or so worth of kind of blindness. And I'll call hardy nutritionals on Monday and see what they think about the way it's going. I ended up just watching a YouTube video of the top 200 songs, in terms of views on YouTube. And I stared at that for probably two hours. And so yeah, I've just been kind of staring at the screen, which is something I don't usually do. But I definitely allow myself to whenever that's what seems to be good for my brain. And speaking of looking at the screen, but in a more productive way. Today, I watched Katie motorhomes documentary called emerging proud. It was released today. And I think she had an event in the UK. And there were events held in certain places around the world, and the documentary was premiered. And so happy emerging proud day. I'm not sure if it's an annual thing. And I thought it was very good, I thought it was very well done. And the way she did it was from clips that people either sent in about their stories of spiritual emergence. I don't use that term, very often I use my own term as map consciousness, to indicate so called mania and psychosis, but also meaning action potential or a lot of different things. And also that it's sort of like unmapped territory, it's something that we're exploring in consciousness. But anyways, spiritual emergence is another term or spiritual emergency. And I could try to use that more often. Because it's not good to keep saying so called mania and psychosis. I don't know why I say that. I think it's to delineate between the good and the not as good parts of the process. And in the video, they talked about dark night of the soul or shadow, as opposed to so called psychosis. And maybe, when I continue to go through this process of coming off meds, if I have to go through some of the elements that are not yet finished, perhaps I can work on reframing those and not thinking of them in terms of psychosis, which I already don't, it's just right now, I think, handy to actually make videos talking about some of the common language, because if I only use uncommon terms, then people might not know what the heck I'm talking about. And by weaving them both in together, hopefully, eventually, through conversation and knowing what we're talking about, we can create our own language, that we don't have to use any of those terms at all. And those terms weren't used at all, barely in the whole documentary, which was nice. And I thought that the selection of clips was very good. And it gave a lot of different examples of the depth and breadth of the experience, the possibilities, and I noticed some of the language that I use with myself in there. One person near the end was talking about how this has something to do with the evolution of humanity. And I've talked about that. And there were a few other things that people mentioned that were really clear to me that we speak a lot of the same language inside and how we would talk about it, if we started talking about it more might just be kind of self evident. One person might say something and then the other person might be like, Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. That's a good way to describe it. Let's talk about it in that way, or it's not about what anway, actually, it's talking about it in in lots of different ways, and not just talking about it, but what language the process wants to create and how that process wants us to relate. So I thought it was very well done. And I actually made it into the film in the credits. Let's see if you can pick me out. And some of my story is going to be in the book that goes with the film. And I haven't seen that yet. So it's on Vimeo, I think that's how you pronounce it. And it's called emerging proud. And it's definitely worth a watch. And I think there's quite a bit going on in that movement. And when I go home, I do want to get more involved somehow and not be such a chicken. And hopefully that goes along with being able to taper off these meds. That would be awesome. If when I went home, I was off the meds and I could speak from that. And things were just roses and butterflies for the rest of my life. While I'm not expecting that, but there's been three films released lately, which one is Katie mo Trump's emerging crowd. Another is healing voices. And another is crazy wise. And I think the cost of production is probably Katie motorhomes the least healing voices the middle and crazy wise, the most expensive but I actually enjoyed Katie's documentary. A bit more than crazy wise and I enjoyed hearing voices more than crazy wise. And I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps because crazy wise focuses mainly on the Shin monic interpretation and and I'm not sure it seemed It was nice to hear from a lot of different people in Katy motorhomes. Film because it gives a little bit more weight to these things happening in people than just having two people shown or three people shown. I'm not sure I just I thought it was I thought it was really good. And I like all of them. Anybody who releases a film with this kind of information. It's super awesome. And somebody even mentioned Krishna Murty in the emerging proud documentary just kind of in passing, but I thought that was kind of cool, because he's one of the people that I have studied over the years. And one thing I've talked about, but I don't really emphasize, but possibly could more is the fact that it's a healing process. And I don't talk about that very much. And when somebody said that in the film, it made me think about what I was talking about with the change in myelination in bipolar mentioned by Patricia Luis and I was thinking about how it's almost like the brain is sending more myelin up there in order to help heal that area of the brain, kind of like inflammation in any other part of our body. When we have an injury of some kind. It will get somewhat inflamed and that's part of the healing process. And it seems like the brain has a similar mechanism but with the myelin because it doesn't have the same inflammatory process in the rest of the tissue of the body. So to me, it seems like infla myelination, so it's this inflammatory process in the brain. Almost, but it's part of the brain's healing process when these psychological things happen. So, when this energy comes in to sort of sort out some of these psychological things happening, it is also changing the structure of the brain. Because our thoughts and everything are tied up in the brain cells, and Krishna Murty would say that thought is a material process. So, when all of that is going on overdrive and, and also, it's chaotic, and it's reorganizing. It makes sense in a way that there would be some kind of change in the brain cells and maybe sending myelin up to the prefrontal cortex and also to the lateral ventricles as a way of preparing the brain for reorganization. And that's part of healing too. When we have an injury, say we sprained her ankle, it has to heal, it has to reorganize, it has to recycle some of the old broken tissue and, and create new tissue and, and buffer the process in the meantime, and I have a feeling that's partly what's happening in the brain, it's inflow, myelination, it's not just brain disease, or D, myelination, it's reorganization. And if the brain is doing this, it must have some intelligence behind it. If we sprained her ankle, we don't try to stop the healing process, we might do things to to keep the inflammation from getting too out of control, mainly for our own pain tolerance. And I do a lot of talking to myself. And I frame it in the context of talking to myself, because while there's a few reasons. One is that there are things I want to talk to you. And I'm not sure if anybody wants to talk about it with me. So I talked to myself. And also I talked to myself, because some of the things I say, aren't necessarily correct. And that's a way to say them anyway, without having someone filter what I would say, because they think I'm not saying what is correct or factual. And the other thing too, is, I'm just talking to myself. So if I ever share this, and people listen, they're just listening to me talking to myself, I'm not telling anybody what to do. I'm not recommending anything, I'm not promoting anything, I'm not doing anything except having conversation with myself. And so and that's a lot because I have no idea what to do or. And so all I can really do right now is talk to myself. And the thing with mental health is that right now, it's framed as this big medical problem. So nobody should be listening to anybody but professionals about what's happening because it's this disease, and I'm trying to talk about it like, it's something completely different. And if people understood it as not a disease, not a medical problem at all, which is probably quite a few years away from being the truth, then we could just talk about this and not have to worry about if we're interfering with somebody's medical record, or, or professional help we, we divert all this to the professionals and and it talks a lot about that in the book on our own, by Judy Chamberlain, which is a really good book, I just finished reading it. And it's kind of scary how the same stuff that was going on in the mid 70s is still going on today with maybe fancier names and a little bit dressed up with the word recovery and things like that, but we're still transformed into chronic mental patients. And I don't see myself as a mental patient. And right now I am technically in the category of chronic mental patient. And my real goal is to get myself out of being in that category of chronic mental patient by not having any participation with any of the services that have to do with medical stuff. So that would be medications, psychiatrists, etc. The psychosocial stuff, the stuff to do with daily living, I would still participate with because people need that, if they're in crisis in life or struggling, people need those kinds of services and help. And hopefully one day, I won't need that, either, or I'll be able to support people in some way to transition out of the system, my real goal is to transition out of the system. So it shows that it can be done. So then people who might want the same have some proof in a way that it can be done. And I won't stop until I do it, or die trying. So that's kind of where I'm at. And then my goal would be to help people transition out of being a chronic mental patient, because we died 25 years less statistically, on average, from the studies. So why not put a little bit of time and energy in terms of years, trying to get out of it, and then we might actually, by virtue of doing that, live 25 years longer. So it could be worth the pain and effort, or the scary backs of trying to decouple from this very powerful story that we've been told. And I would think it's a really good story if people that I know and read about and myself, just took the pills and lived happily ever after till we're 85 like everyone else. But that's not how it goes, we're still suffering, we're still struggling with still hell. It's not science, it's it's experimentation, and it's still happening on us. And so I hope I can get off these drugs, I don't know if I can, it's, it's not the easiest thing. And yeah, that's my little thing right now. This is to myself, and I'm in no way shape, or form, trying to tell anybody what to do with their own life. People want to take pills, take pills, I've taken pills, they can be helpful sometimes. But that's why I don't want to participate with that. If that system could guarantee that it wouldn't steal 25 years from my life, then maybe I would be a little bit more excited about participating with it. But I'm not. And then the next thing would be to prevent the next generation from being turned into chronic mental patients. And a lot of that has to do with the context with which each one of us perceives these types of experience. And if we're able to receive people with love, and care and patience, and time, and safety, while they transition through this, instead of passing them over to the authorities who will then track them for life. Now, if anybody doesn't want this to happen to their children, or their nieces or nephews or friends, kids, then it's time to start thinking about this differently. And again, I'm not telling anybody what to think. I'm just talking to myself at length. And I'll probably just continue to talk to myself, because, as far as I know, I'm the only one that wants to hear all of this. And one of the benefits of getting a label could be that it actually makes us easier to find each other. So however many people are labeled with bipolar one, you are officially part of my neural tribe. Our brains work in similar ways. So take away all the disease, the illness, all of that our brains are undergoing the same energetic process. So we are officially a neuro tribe. So pick a different term. And we're similar brain casts, just like there's different races, different bodies, different skin colors, there's different brain types. Look at the autism brain type. Now there's some people go through this brain transition later in life. And it's not just to change our brains, but it's also to help change the world even if it's only ever so slightly. And people aren't seeing the positive sides of our, of our brains and our potentials. And maybe we're not seeing it either. And it part of the reason is because we're not having a conversation in different ways. So yeah, when I get home, I'm going to start up some kind of group. And, and a lot of different stuff, because I have lots of ideas, and I've talked about them. But I can't do them all by myself. So we each other, and just creating a narrow tribe, and framing it in the ways that resonates more with our hearts than with what we were told. And a lot of these experiences we have that are kind of strange. They can be lived. But they're difficult to explain. When we explain them, they sound impossible, but we experienced them. So in that way they are possible. And what I'm trying to get at is, a lot of what I've talked about with myself is talking about the experiences or things related to that, or explaining some of the experiences a little bit. But that's not the same as living the experiences. So maybe one day when we're fully a neural tribe, we're not even talking about explaining experiences to each other. Like I had this experience, I had that experience. This means this means that about the experiences, but actually living that experience together. It feels like we go into different dimensions sometimes. Now imagine if we actually do go into a different dimension together, and we're just living there together. And we're not explaining these incongruent experiences or one person, I want to experience another person, another experience, another person, another experience, all those experiences separately point to some strange stuff going on. But imagine we actually lived in those experiences together, and then it wasn't strange. And then that's just how it is. And it became sort of invisible, because reality works in different ways than we think, for sure. And the more of us that get together on that, the more that will be brought into manifestation, not just individually, but collectively. Just like, reason must have been this thing that was emerging and individuals, and then people got together and two people are talking in that way. And then all of a sudden, it spreads more and more and more. And then that level of experience, living that experience is just the way it's lived. people no longer explain reason, is just assumed that people are operating in some kind of reasonable way, even I say reasonable, and a lot of it's probably still not that reasonable. But we assume that that's the way it is without even assuming that's the way it is, it's just like air is just there. So in the same way, some of these strange experiences might one day just be like air, they won't be strange. And I feel one of the reasons that hasn't happened is because we're labeled as defective and, and pretty much forced into isolation. We're not talking about these things. And somebody in the documentary said, this is what's happening to me. And the only reason I mentioned that is my brain immediately thought, this process is what's happening to the me, not me, or you or her or him, or they or them. It's happening to the me, we each have a me. And this energy is trying to break up the me. In general, it's trying to break up that way of relating and having this personal ego dominate. Because the world can no longer sustain that way of viewing the world that can no longer sustain that perspective. So comes in and breaks up this perspective. And so it's not personal. It's not. This is what's happening to me. This is what's happening to the me all over the world. And the me makes certain things happen, the me has created this society as it's designed with the family system and, and, and success and progress and hierarchies and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this energy makes something else happen, this energy that breaks up the me, if that was able to be fully integrated and transformed, the brain would create a different world, because it's a different operating system. So in that way, it's important to end the me anything we can do to end the me in between so called crises will help that process because that process is trying to break up the me. So whatever that looks like, and also, somebody mentioned something about having an observing presence, well, these certain belief structures can come and try and operate. And in a way that's sort of what happens is we're observing these belief structures passing by and they're scary, and then sometimes they actually take hold of us, and then we act based on that belief structure. So I could have a thought that aliens are coming to invade, and I can have an observing presence of that. And it's terrifying. But if it actually takes hold of me, well, then maybe I run down into the basement and hide under the bed and, and, and start yelling out prayers or something like that. So I feel it's important to observe the beliefs, which is part of the me structure because they try and come in and operate and, and just watch them go by. And this happened to me when I was in crisis in January. As I was walking to go lay down and rest I had taken some Seroquel, there was some crazy things going on in my brain, I can remember something about aliens, terrifying stuff, but I was just walking, and then I just laid down and I just would rest and let it all happen. And, and not actually let it take hold and part of the thing was, if there's not much of a me there, the belief doesn't have much to cling on to and and anchor on to, to start to operate. so that there can be fear but not a me that's afraid in a way so. So can we operate with no beliefs and can we operate with no me and Krishna Murty talks at great length about ending self centred activity and if we don't do it, if we don't use some of our life energy to do that, this energy comes in and does it anyway. And I think I've talked about how the fear a lot of times is the me trying to end and when the me tries to end the me associates that with I must be dying. But really it's just the thought structures trying to come to an end and it's definitely challenging and I feel that I may again have to face death actually go through this ego death and it's really scary and I usually take Seroquel but I don't want to take that crap again. So we will seeI picked some oranges. I don't know if they're totally right. But I feel like something has shifted like, it's now the days where I usually start going downhill a bit. But I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like, I'm not sure. And my friend and I were driving back from beach to the beach today. And there was a Chevy Volt in front of us. And I thought to myself, wonder if I would ever drive one of those or buy one of those? Or what are the benefits of those cars. And then I talked to my friend, my brain twin. And he was saying that he could run me a car for a while. And lo and behold, it's a Chevy Volt. So that was kind of weird randomness, because I talked to him earlier today. And then he said, Can I call you back in 10 minutes. And then he didn't call me back. Then I went to the beach, they came back from the beach. And I saw that Chevy Volt. And they told me about the Chevy Bolt. So it's an interesting sequence of events. I want to use my remaining time in California to get into shape. Because I've gained a few pounds as I got here. And my belly is kind of big. So I'm going to try to do the walking on the road thing. I have a new goal to try to master this thing. So far, not so good. It's kind of hard. I can do about one and a half steps. It's kind of fun, though, to work on a new skill. If I go back home and I can walk across this, I may have accomplished something for now. Done my practice for the day. So by tomorrow, I might have a vehicle to use, I might be able to make the most of my time here. Maybe I'll treat the remaining two months or so more like a vacation and treat myself more and I am feeling better. And I haven't started to have those sort of downhill days. I'm going to call hardy nutritionals on Monday, which is in two days and check in with them and they'll probably tell me to just keep going at the same dose. I might do a few days on oranges only because California has lots of oranges And I slept in today until like 10. One thing I'm doing is always sleeping a lot if I have the chance. So sleep party nutritionals maybe I'll start to eat just a little healthier and get a little bit more physically active with that balance string and a con want to learn to do handstand. But I think I need to lose a couple pounds before learning because that bodyweight will be more ideal for trying to stand on my hands. Lately, I've been feeling kind of excited about the prospect of going home and being off my meds and being just in a lot better shape and better place than I was when I got here because it was a bit dicey before I came here, and then it got dicey here. And it seems I'm slowly working my way out of that. And I'm grateful for the fresh air, I'm grateful for the silence, I'm grateful for the sound of all the birds and I'm noticing the beauty and the movement of life again. So I think my body's happy with the drugs coming out of my system. I want to go home, I would love to get an infrared sauna at some point to help pull all the drugs out of my system. So just a bit more of a check in. I'm definitely feeling more energy. And I think that it could be a sign of getting over some kind of hump in the process. Maybe because I've had more days in a row that have been good than usual. So that's a good sign and I'm feeling energetic. Like I want to do things and learn and so that's good. And I was reading a little bit of David boms book wholeness and the implicit order, there was just some part of it that I want to read to myself. On page 53, he's giving an example of a radio, and how, if it feeds back upon itself, it just creates a bunch of noise. But if it tunes in with the radio wave, which is something outside of itself, then it produces the sound that is beyond its own structure. It's beyond just the radio and the antenna, but its product of tuning into the wave. And then he says, one might then suggest that, in intelligent perception, the brain and nervous system respond directly to an order in the universal and unknown flux, that cannot be reduced to anything that could be defined in terms of knowable structures. And to me, that's the realm of map we're tuning in to something else. And he says, intelligence and material process of thus a single origin, which is ultimately the unknown totality of universal flux. In a certain sense, this implies that what have been commonly called Mind and Matter are abstractions from the universal flux, that both are to be regarded as different and relatively autonomous orders within the one whole movement. It is thought responding to intelligent perception, which is capable of bringing about an overall harmony, or fitting between Mind and Matter. Because just before that, he said, What then is the relationship of intelligence to thought? Briefly, one can say that when thought functions on its own, it is mechanical and not intelligent, because it imposes its own, generally irrelevant and unsuitable order, drawn from memory. Thought is, however, capable of responding not only from memory, but also from the unconditioned perception of intelligence that can see in each case, whether or not a particular line of thought is relevant and fitting. And if I think about that, really deeply, that's a lot to do with what I'm talking about with this map. domain. And on page 56, he says, what is required here, then is not an explanation, that would give us some knowledge of the relationship of thought and thing, or of thought and reality as a whole. Rather, what is needed is an act of understanding, in which we see the totality as an actual process that, when carried out properly, tends to bring about a harmonious and orderly overall action, incorporating both thought and what is thought about an in a single movement, in which analysis into separate parts, he thought and thing has no meaning. And I was thinking about how I was talking to myself recently about how would we live if we weren't just sitting there explaining things to each other. But if we acted as if we understood, And to me, that's what happens when we're in so called mania, when we're in map consciousness, at least for part of the time. We're acting with understanding. We're not explaining our actions and we're not explaining our perceptions, but we're acting with understanding. It's only later when we're misunderstood. That we have to do all this explaining I feel there's something way beyond even this, trying to explain things to each other. Try To explain things to people who don't understand, there's the living of it, because explaining things is already too late. It's already happened, it's already past. But if we can even draw up the need to explain and just live in that, and act with understanding within ourselves. And that is related to how I talk about, when you're really clear with perception, you can understand something, you don't even have to do all this research or this or that you just look at it, and you understand. So when he says, rather, what is needed is an act of understanding. And I feel like in that state, we see the totality as an actual process, and that we're an integral part of that process, no explanation needed. And when we're really in harmony with that, we're riding that wave, that wave of perception and understanding, without having to retrospect without having to think about an explain. So I thought those were two Cool Bits that I wanted to read to myself. And I have a few points that I'll talk about. to round out the video, I made a note that thought is partly what destroys the brain and causes it to break down because of its repetitious and mechanical nature. And I was thinking about this in terms of what Patricia Louise wrote about how the neurons are over firing in the prefrontal cortex, and the neurons break down. They pretty much fray at the ends. And so in that way, we're thinking a lot in that state. And there's a lot of different thoughts. It's like thought on overdrive, and it's destroying the nerves. And in that way, thought actually breaks down thought. So what can destroy thought but thought, so by the brain activating this hybrid thinking process, it's kind of breaking down the structures of thought in the brain. So I feel like the more thoughts in bipolar are actually to break down the machinery of thought, which seems to be what's happening in the neurons at the neuron level. And sort of like, if you want to break a machine, you overrun the machine, you wear it out. Otherwise, how would that really get broken up? Because if we're always in so called normal thought, consciousness, that's not going to break up and we feel like oh, well, everything's fine. But overall, things aren't fine. At the level of humanity, with regards to thought, and it's related to that thing I read by David Bohm, how thought operating on its own, just from memory is machine like, and it's not really correlated to reality. So it's not harmonious. And so then tons of thoughts would definitely not be harmonious, and it just breaks down the machine. So it could actually be part of the intelligence of the process. It's like the brain trying to destroy that part of the brain. Because the brain sees that it is not needed to that same extent that it was before. And as part of the whole thing that there's always chaos before there is any kind of new structure or evolution. And regarding the brain, sending myelin to the prefrontal cortex and how I was talking about, it's kind of like the equivalent of inflammation. And there's inflammation is caused by thought, so overthinking, and, and too many thoughts. And it's not that a me is thinking these thoughts. It's just happening. And so that overthinking, in so called mania, and psychosis actually causes this brain breakdown and causes the inflammation in the brain. It's like the wrong energy going through the brain. So it's like thought, and the me and society is actually what causes the brain to break down because it's the energy of all that. So thought me in society, thought the me and society causes brain inflammation and it causes it to break down. And I feel like the brain is a learner like how cholesterol shows up in arteries when There's plaque formation. And it's not necessarily high cholesterol that causes hardening of the arteries. But cholesterol shows up in a way to kind of protect the arteries, just like the myelin shows up to protect the brain. But unless the underlying cause is addressed, and I feel like in the brain is the wrong energy, it's the energy of thought in the me. Unless that is a trust, then the problem is going to continue. And it's interesting that she said that these w m h is also are in the hippocampus. And I think that was to do with the myelin going there too. And apparently, the hippocampus is where new neurons are birthed. So it's interesting that that happens in the process. And it could be that new neurons are being birthed at a faster rate. So I see this, again, as a sign that it could be brain metamorphosis. And she also talked about how the pineal gland absorbs light and helps to regulate sleep and wake with melatonin or serotonin secretion. And I'm pretty sure those substances are converted into DMT, which is dimethyl tryptamine, which is the bliss hormone or something. But I was thinking that the pineal gland might have something to do with the stuff I talked about before of how, when the light of perception hits our clear mind screen, then we produce the correct response. And interestingly enough, she talks about how the pineal gland hardens because of fluoride. And a lot of water sources are fluoridated. And to me, it's a way to keep our perception narrow, it's to calcify our pineal gland, so we can't really see. So our vision is unclear. So it's interesting how it's interesting how she mentioned it. And I feel like, if it's not clear, we can't turn light into meaning. So I feel like fluoride is anti meaning. And I heard once that I think it's always based on fluoride. So it's definitely a darling substance. And I was thinking about some of the traits we gained through map consciousness. And they're actually brain traits. So one of them is making meaning dialogue, perception in the moment and action. And unless we continue to use these faculties, we lose them, that saying, use it or lose it, I think it applies to these new traits as well. And that's why I talk about harvest practice and body. And. And I feel like if we lose it, and our brain goes back to sort of how it was, yet, there's some kind of energy that wants to come in and break it up. So our brain operates in new ways. By going back to the old ways, that's actually inviting the process to start up again. Whereas if we're able to stay with some of these trades, then maybe we'll allow the energy to come in gently instead of really forcefully. And I listened to a video by Andrew Sol. And he has some really good information on health and mental health as well in terms of vitamins and mega doses. And he mentioned taking tryptophan from cashews, or just taking it, as well as taking lots of vitamin C, and also niacin. And I'm taking hardy nutritionals right now, so I won't introduce those other things, but I'm pretty sure with hardy nutritionals, you can take extra vitamins. But it's not good to take extra minerals, because it's in a certain balance. Don't quote me on that. But I'm just saying that to remind myself at some point to maybe start taking some more vitamin C, and I am eating a lot of oranges. So that could be good for vitamin C. And one important point he made was that some people are nutrient deficient, but other people are nutrient dependent. So a dependency would mean having to take it all the time. So maybe there is a mutation in one of our genetic pathways where we can make certain nutrients so we have to take it in excess And maybe larger amounts than other people would. And so I feel like, if this hearty nutritional thing works, I'll be on it indefinitely. And they said as much, they said, it's not a cure. And in that way, it makes me feel like a person is pretty much dependent on these nutrients to stay sane. And I think that's a fair deal. I wrote down something about words of reason, and how it was related to seeing things for oneself, as opposed to maybe having faith based perceptions. And in a way, it was a logic of the self, seeing for oneself, and then accumulating facts and knowledge around being able to understand or, or reason something or learn. And by accumulating, we actually created this separate self, and we collected facts. And that was logical for the time being. But now, now we're seeing something else we're not seeing for oneself as in the ego me we're seeing for Gaia, we're seeing beyond ourselves, because there's a selective pressure for us to do so. In terms of the totality of, of the planet. So perception selects for traits, perception creates genes. And that is based on Dr. Bruce Lipton's work. So I feel like by proceeding beyond ourselves, we're starting to create the right genetics in the brain to be able to continue to do so in order to be able to continue the species of human being. So the self was okay before, but now we have 9 billion selves, and it's just not sustainable to see that way. Doesn't mean it's not sustainable to keep growing at this rate, that might not necessarily be true, we might be able to continue to grow as a population at the same rate, but we can't continue to see the same way and grow at that rate. So the environment, the energy of the environment, and what's happening in the totality, the totality of the cosmos is like a computer, it can compute exactly what's going on, everywhere at once, or in just one point. Each point is like a computation that implies every other point. So it knows what we're doing and knows what's happening. And then that energy creates the environment and the environment creates the pressure on us to see what's really happening and not just see what's happening for, for ourself. And so Gaia is creating a selective pressure for the brain to mutate. And I listened to a talk by somebody who was talking about evolutionary biology, and they were talking about how nature and evolution and, and, and animals and things, they mutate at the last second, nothing happens in advance, we don't change in advance of the necessity of the change. So I think this relates to what I've talked about with how something will shift really quickly. And then the brains that are adapted for this new way of seeing will actually be the ones that survive. So the point was that, that evolution never does anything in advance. And I wrote down that there's something that sees and creates the mutation. And I think I've talked about this before how, however much we're consciously perceiving, there's still the subconscious calculation that's going on all the time. So even if we're ignoring things, we're still picking up on it to a certain extent. And there's something that sees, and that's a subconscious thing, and that's also collective. So we're all walking around picking up all this different information in our perceptual field. And the bit that we pay attention to is related to the me, but something else is seeing the rest. There's something else that we all share. And it's calculating and in that way, we'll know exactly what to do and how to change things when it's necessary. And so it's life as a whole that sees the need. So when a bird gets a longer beak to adapt to the conditions of What buget needs to eat in the bark of a tree. It's not that the actual bird the personal bird sees that it needs to mutate, it's actually the whole energy of that species and, and, and Gaia that sees that it needs to change a bird in order for the bird to survive, and probably does so at the last second to save that particular species. And it's not the ones don't die out, they do for sure. But so there's something that sees the bird is dying off because it's big is not long enough, through the bird's eyes, of course, and, and it filters into the collective calculation of everything. So it's life itself. Life itself is part of the design and the designer and the designed, there's no separation. So it's not even that the me sees that the brain needs to mutate. It's something else that sees that. So yeah, that's it for today. I will check in tomorrow to see if I'm still feeling good. And of course, I need to be aware of feeling too good. So I will talk to hardy nutritionals about that on Monday. And ask about being careful of that too.So I don't know if it's illegal to make videos while I was driving. I haven't googled that yet. But I think we're allowed to talk while driving. And I'm just talking to myself so doesn't seem problematic. The only trouble is I can't use the GPS and I have no idea where I'm going. So this morning I finally got a reply about the complaint letter I put in about my psych wards day of April 2016. And, as expected, it wasn't quite satisfactory. They talked about how it was okay for me to be on Seroquel because I was on Seroquel before in previous hospitalizations. Well, in previous hospitalizations, I was on quick release, Seroquel, maximum, maybe 100 milligrams a day, because they have the 25 milligram tablets. And this time, the doctor put me on slow release and was tapering me up to 800 milligrams a day. So my complaint wasn't Seroquel. It was the type of Seroquel and putting me on such a high dose that I was intended to be on it for a long period of time. They don't put you on 800 milligrams just to be on it for a week. So the other doctor put me on those small tablets and I was off of them. By the time I left the psych ward, eight to 10 days later, I wasn't going to be off of the Seroquel at 800 milligrams, when I left, I was going to be drugged up like a zombie. So they completely missed the point on that one. And there were other points in there too. And maybe I'll talk about them later. But for the most part reading, it just made me feel a little bit angry. Because they didn't really get it. But at the same time, I'm not surprised because they haven't been through that. So they don't know. And it's their medical training. So they think, Oh, this is just fine. But I know from my own experience, it's not fine. And it just made me actually more resolved to come off these medications and say sayanora to that whole system. And so I'll probably reply to somebody and say, that's not really satisfactory, but I didn't really expect anything satisfactory. So whatever. The best I can do is get myself off these drugs and and that would be the biggest win and then be able to say, Hey, I'm not taking this crap anymore. And maybe help people see that they can do the same if they want to. So that's the biggest important thing right now. It's coming off the meds and I met up with my brain twin yesterday. And he was saying to me that I should release my videos because I have a lot of good content. And I could be helping people by releasing them. But I don't know if that's true. I don't know if this is gonna help anyone. But I feel like it will help someone if I'm able to come off the meds. And I don't necessarily want to put it out there until I'm off the meds and speaking from that point, or have failed to come off the meds and something rather but I just need a little more time. But the good news is that I spoke to hardy nutritionals this morning, and I told them that last night I had a bit of trouble sleeping in that I woke up partway through the night and I was half asleep half awake, but I couldn't quite wake up to maybe get up and go pee but then I was just laying there for what felt like hours. And then somebody commented this morning that I look tired. So that was last night and the night before. For when I was falling asleep, I felt again, like I was too far into sleep yet not really sleeping. And I was aware that there was some scary afraid of death stuff going on some of the stuff that might wake me up, and I would feel scared and, and have that sort of energetic terrified reaction. And and so I told them about that. And they said that I had a few good days more so than before. And I haven't really gone into the bad days, but I've had two nights that aren't the best sleeps. So they suggested that I go down another eighth of my medication, and maybe now is a good time to start trying to go down in the dosage amount faster. So I also ordered a product they have called central in Manos, or something like that. And she said that might help with sleep. So that should be here by Wednesday. And I'm going to start taking that and seeing how that helps with sleep, and then also going down in the 1/8 dosage. So tonight, when I take my dosage of medication, I'll officially be one half way there. So one half of the way off the medications, which is great news. And I feel more like I want to really do this because of that letter, and how annoying it is just to have everything that I said pretty much denied because it is best practice. And that is a pretty crappy practice, I'm sorry to say. And so if I can come off these drugs, that would be the best way. Instead of trying to fight that system, just transcend it just end the trance of that system. And so that's the plan now is to go down and ate the medication. And then on Wednesday, when it gets the amino acid product, I'll start taking that. And they said when I call on Friday, I might do another one eight reduction, so I might be starting to come off the medications a little bit quicker. And the other cool thing is that tonight with the first night, I don't take any Seroquel, I've been taking 1/8 of a chunk of a pill for a little while. And now tonight, I'm not going to take any circle, I'm going to take half a trazadone and 300 milligrams of lithium. And it hasn't been too bad. And hopefully it continues that way. And hopefully that other product helps. I'm really going with this hardy nutritionals process right now. Whatever they recommend that I should get, I'm going to do it because I'm just committed to this process. And talking with them really helps they say things about how other people experience these sleep things when coming off the medication. And that's a little bit part of the process. And it wasn't even that bad. It's just something that I noticed and then by telling them that they're saying, Okay, well, we're going to reduce your medications by another eight. So that's cool. And the letter was crap. I could have written it myself, because it's just I don't know. So I'll do a little bit of a car review in here. This Chevy Volt is actually quite nice to drive. I've driven somebodies Honda Accord here and it was not the greatest but it was a bit older. And then I drove a Dodge Dart I think when I had a rental car, and it was okay, but it wasn't the greatest. I didn't love it. But this Chevy Volt is quite nice. It has good acceleration and good handling the seats a little hard but I feel quite supported. And I haven't tried out charging the battery yet because I ran out of battery. It runs 33 miles on electricity before it converts over to gas. So I'm going to try to charge this thing every night and then have 33 miles a day of driving maybe and just drive for free. So I've just done a little bit of a loop here, because I'm supposed to be meeting my friend again, because when he got this car, they were supposed to put new tires on for him, but they didn't. And so he asked to take this thing to get new tires. Or I could drive it to get new tires, but he said he would. So I didn't have to drive so far. He's in a little bit of the magic zone right now. And I feel like By the way, I was talking with him yesterday, I was probably a buzzkill, for sure. So hopefully, I can be a bit more supportive, and perhaps, walk a little bit in his world too, because maybe he'll bring out some of the magic in me. And yeah, the trouble with my magic state is a lot of times tips over into so called psychosis, which can be really scary and my life is at risk. When that happens. If I never had my life at risk, if I just stayed in mania or whatever, then then who knows, but and I asked her the nutritionals if the nutrients helped to prevent mania, and they said yes, because I don't want to go too high either. Because if I get too high than they could perhaps have a depression or something and, and depression is awful. 1230 I better give my magic friend a call and see what is going on. So now that I have a car, I can go more to the hot springs. I can do a couple more hikes. I did this hike before the one where I ran through the clouds. I kind of like that one because it's a fire road and it's quite wide. So I don't feel like a snake is going to jump out at me or or bears are going to be running around. That's one of the reasons why I don't really like to hike by myself is wildlife fear of wildlife. So yeah, lots of action happening. And and I started reading the book stealing fire by Steven Kotler and Jamie Weil. And it's interesting so far, I've been picking out points to extrapolate Of course. And one thing I don't love is how they glorify things like war and navy seals and things. It seems like they glorify that, but they talk about other things too, but they started off with that. Maybe just start off with a bang, but I wish they would leave that part out. When they mentioned how it costs $500,000 to train a navy seal, it's kind of scary. that much money is put into training one person to be an elite killing machine. And that doesn't even count them all the equipment and the all the other war machines. But anyways, I won't go on about that. Peace, love and butterflies. This is kind of a fun road two drives very squiggly. This car is also very quiet. Right now I'm using the gasoline mode. And I'm pretty sure I could talk to myself without using this little speaker headphone and it would be just fine. I might stop off at a viewpoint here. Call my brain twin So I didn't manage to run into my brain twin, but I spent some time with my brain twins friend, and I got some honey, sage, honey, it's really good. And it's in the shape of a bear. So that is definitely a score, definitely worth the drive. And I took a bit of a video yesterday about my journey to walk the slack line. And I didn't do any today because it's a bit rainy, so it'd be muddy and dirty to fall off that slack line. So I will do it when I can, but I will share my progress on that too. They too. I'll try some more later. And the other thing I want to do is do the ceremony of reducing my medications. So changing the amounts I take each day. So I'll show you my setup. So this is very scientific. I have used an empty capsule of a different supplement to have my 150 milligrams of lithium. So there's 75 approximately in here and 75 in here. So those are all 70 fives. So this is a 300 and this is 75 and now I'm down to 300. So I don't need to take the 75 so I can save that for when I have to go down 75 milligrams, I'll be on a 150 and one of these, I think that will be the next level down. So I don't need those. But they're actually valuable because I need to always decrease in 75 milligram dose doses and so those are for next round. And then they don't need the little chunk of Seroquel anymore. So that goes with the little Seroquel chunks. And then this is the little piece of this looks like Seroquel. This is my little chunk of trazadone so trazadone chunks go there. That looks like some kind of mixture. So I will just Donate that to the floor. So now I'm off the Seroquel, and I'm off there a little chunk extra of trazadone. So now each day, I'm just on this What does that and so I can pack up the Seroquel. And that looks like it's missing a bit. So I'll replace that with one. That's actually a half. And so now this is what it looks like for tonight, and I take the Benadryl as well. So that's my setup. And then I'll take one Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday, Thursday. And then by Friday, I might actually have to reduce and do a 150 plus a 75. And not use the three hundreds, and I don't have a ton of 150s left. So I might start having the three hundreds for the 150 and use the 150 halfs, the 75. So that's my little setup, and get this little dust out of here, don't want to take that extra stuff. And so we will see how that goes today. Tonight, I just want to add in and point out that I left for California, three months ago today. So tomorrow, it'll be three months since I got here. And tonight will be the first night I don't have to take any Seroquel since I had to start taking it about two months ago or something like that. And so that's a big deal. And in five days, it will be 11 months of self dialogue. May 20 is the first anniversary of 11 months and June 20 will be the first anniversary of one year. But I said that September 11 was the time that I started doing this more consistently, because I only did videos on four occasions from June 20 to September 11, or something like that. But then after that I really got into the process. So it's possible by the one year mark, June 20. At this rate, I'll actually be off of my medications. So my goal, if I had a goal was to talk myself out of the system. And if I'm able to do that, by that date, I will have officially talked myself out of the system in a year. And then on September 11, around that time, that would be enough time to see if it has fully taken root in being able to stay off the medications for several months. So I'm not sure when I will share this. But I think there was another milestone I wanted to share. But I forget. So I'm starting to read a book called The man who wasn't there. And I've been reading the first chapter on cold heart syndrome, which is basically a person expressing that they're dead, even though they're not. And they're talking about a man who is saying that he's brain dead. And they did some scans of his brain. And there are certain areas of his brain related to the self that were really underactive. And they weren't saying that this means this is the cause, but they did show it in that person. And there's not a lot of people who get this kind of phenomenon happening. But I was reading it and thinking this person is convinced and saying I'm brain dead, I'm brain dead. In a way. They're kind of right, certain areas of their brain aren't functioning optimally and the parts related to the feeling of self. Because this book is about the feeling of self. So what I'm thinking is that this person is actually giving voice to that brain state. So they're focusing on how a person is saying that they're dead when they're not. And what does this mean about the self, but to me in a way, it's almost like the brain talking. And I've talked about before how we don't know how to make sense of some of these sensations we feel, whether it's hypersensitivity to our environment and other people. And it's possible that our own brain can speak through us at times when it needs some kind of help. And to me, it's a person speaking as that brain state, just as somebody who is in so called psychosis, might be saying strange things. But they might be speaking about things related to being sensitive to the environment, but they don't know how to put it into words. So they're saying something, but a lot of it is lost in translation. And again, we don't understand that language. So we're focused on what's wrong with the person. When the person is saying, I'm brain dead. It might be the brains way of giving voice to something that needs some kind of support. And a person saying something strange and so called psychosis might be actually pointing out something in society that is bothering them or needs to change. But then we put it all on the person and say, well, what's wrong with you? I just thought of something about the self. I feel like the self is the way the brain fires because of conditioning. It's the way we've been conditioned to perceive the world. So it's been conditioned to fire and for us to see the world the dominant way. But it's not the only way to see the world and the brain definitely needs to see the world in new ways. The human brain needs to see the world in new ways. If it is to continue in this world.So in my complaint letter I thoroughly outlined that I did not want to be on Seroquel xR, and they put me on it anyway. And they tapered me up to 500 milligrams a day and they're intending to go up to 800 milligrams a day. One before if I was in the psych ward, they gave me Seroquel quick release, which are just 25 milligram pills. And I don't think they ever gave me more than two or three at a time, usually maximum two. So if it's two or three times a day or something like that, that's maximum 150 milligrams. And I was off the circle by the time I left the psych ward, or two days after, which is maximum 10 days. And I was in the hospital and on Seroquel for 33 days, plus another month to finish tapering off of it in the community. Because I was tapered up to 500 milligrams of this Seroquel before I was able to switch doctors and then she tapered me off. Because she listened to me was the first doctor refused to listen to me in not putting me on that stuff in the first place. And then I said consult with this other doctor, they know what to do to help me. They wouldn't do that. So regarding the circle thing, they put one prescribe Seroquel when you did not want to receive his medication. The doctor prescribed this medication as you had previously been on Seroquel without documented ill effect. Other anti psychotics had caused side effects and therefore not prescribed. And that's not even that wasn't even the point regarding not being transferred to the doctor that I know right away. They say the admitting psychiatrist keeps you unless there's a compelling reason to do otherwise. Well, in my mind, I gave some compelling reasons the other doctor knew how to help me. She told me twice before. And for some reason, this wasn't good enough. And they did sort of address it. They said your concern regarding not being listened to regarding your treatment and what had worked in the past. We sincerely apologize that this was your experience during your care with Dr. x, we value the voice of the patient and want to incorporate this whenever possible. And I asked what if Advanced Directives would be valued. And it says where possible advanced directives and representational agreements will be followed in cases where an individual is admitted and voluntarily under the Mental Health Act. And the psychiatric presentation warranted, the psychiatric components in an advanced directive or representational agreement may not be followed as expressed. So that is the news about getting that document written up, as it won't necessarily be listened to. So note to self never go to the psych ward. And it says, Do people have a choice of the psychiatrists they see when they go to the Ipu? And it says they see the admitting psychiatrist and it says this is our current practice which can be reviewed in the future? Well, I think some of these practices need to be under review, or just have a completely different practice. So yeah, they kind of addressed it when they said didn't listen to regarding what helped in the past. And but not completely because the point was missed that I was drugged up with the intention of being drugged up for the long term with a doctor that didn't even know me, but was just gonna put me on this completely different trajectory that she decided after knowing me for 10 minutes and alter my life. And I knew otherwise and they didn't listen. So I would not put myself in that place ever again, to be I don't know. I really hope this coming off medication thing works because and not just coming off and kind of staying stable and quiet but having some energy and some, some mental strength to change some of these things because it's total crap. And it talks about how I had to call conflict of interest to have the doctor switch And I was admitted on April 5, and I was switched on April 7. But the damage was already done within two days, I was already on 500 milligrams of Seroquel slow release. And then I didn't even ask to be tapered off of it right away, I might have waited a day or so. So within three days, there was so much work to do to come off of that crap and so much scary stuff. In the meantime, it was so scary and terrifying. So I don't know. Maybe it's not just that, maybe it's just something that had to happen. But I guess part of it is not having to go through that kind of thing again. So between driving around with this car stuff and this letter, things have been a little bit stressful. So I need to also relax. So maybe I'll do a little bit of editing and see where I'm at. I have three books on the go right now. So I have some other stuff to cover, I actually have four books on the go. I'm reading wholeness in the implicit order, the man who wasn't their journey to excellence by Carlos caste and NIDA, and stealing fire, by Steven Kotler and Jamie wheel. And I'm just waiting for my brain twin to get here. So maybe I'll just talk about just the little more things. In the book stealing fire. There was a line that says the upper range of human experience. And that made me extrapolate that some of these altered states that often end up being deemed mental illness are also the upper range of human experience. And they were talking about SEAL training, Navy SEAL training, and how it is a filtration system in terms of finding the right people to be trained for that position. And that made me think of how map, how transconsciousness, how altered states in a way, is a filtration system. It's almost filtering who can stand in those states. It's putting our consciousness into a different state and seeing who will filter through. So in a way, it could it be that evolution is partly a filter, not really a selection. There's nothing there doing the selecting. There's no ultimate thing selecting this or that as evolution goes on. But in a way, it's a filter. It's filtering the organisms through the environment. And as the environment changes, the filter changes for who goes through in terms of different organisms. And the human brain in a way needs to change in order to filter through not just this environment, but in order to create a new environment that will be sustainable for human brains. So I feel like in a way, map consciousness is training by Gaia and the universe to adapt to these new brain states that are necessary. It's almost like there's so many different experiences and altered states happening, just like there's a lot of different mutations happening and a lot of different things. But not all of them go somewhere. But something will go somewhere eventually. So in a way, it's not a test, either. It's a filter. It's like waves crashing ashore. It's like a tide. Our brains go into these altered states and these non ordinary states, and then we we come back like a wave like the tide coming in. So our brains go into those states and go into those states. But we eventually do come ashore. And they talked about how in Google, they were looking for a CEO and they gave him a Navy SEAL like test to find the right CEO for Google quite a few years ago now. And I think the universe is testing our brains in a way to and selecting for wisdom. And remember Dr. Alberto patella doe said, nature selects for wisdom. So I think it puts us in these wisdom states, these states beyond just logic and reason, to start to try to select for that wisdom. And by getting with those states and seeing and creating with that, we can And create what that wisdom is trying to create. It's definitely not trying to create mental patients, but that's what human beings who don't have that wisdom or any understanding, turn us into. And so in a way the masses are the environment. So we as brains that go into these non ordinary states are these wisdom harvesting, meaning harvesting states have to bring back enough meaning to change how the masses respond to us. And that's in a way because they are the environment that we're received by when we're coming back. The wave is on the ebb. There's the ebb and the flow. And when we're on the app, or in danger of being captured by the masses. So just as people are testing who can be navy seals, the universe is testing who can carry this meaning into some kind of something, I don't know what and it's also seeing if life can trust us. Life is trying to see if it can trust us. And they talked about str, which has four qualities of non ordinary states, which was selflessness, timelessness, effortlessness, and richness. And I've talked about richness in terms of meaning, there's this inner richness, when there is no time, and there is no self as the me, and there's no effort. And so on away our state is usually so ordinary, I turned around, and I say, our state is usually so ordinary, and mediocre, because we have a self, or we feel a self where we operate from a self. We're always putting in a lot of effort. And we think in terms of time of being better. So in a way, the self and time and effort are all the same thing. I feel like Krishnamurti would say those are all the same thing. Because it's the me that makes effort to be better. So the me is the effort. There's no me aside from the effort. There's no self, aside from effort and time. Well, effort implies time because it takes time to change or to get better, no richness. So they talk about selfless, effortless, timeless, and richness. So the rich ness is the only one that isn't less because it's self less timeless, effortless. So if you subtract itself and time and effort, then there's richness. So if there's richness, in a way, there's no self and there's no time and there's no effort. So I think richness equals negative self minus effort minus time. But those three things are all the same in a way. So if you can rid yourself have any of those things then you may come upon the richness. states are so ordinary because we've been conditioned to have a self, make effort, live by time, feel rich. And I feel like the self is a manifestation of society. It's what we need to navigate society. So what would be a manifestation of Gaia? When we think about the sphere of society is very narrow compared to the sphere of Gaia. So society being lost in that denies the richness of Gaia To be continued.So last night, my brain twin didn't arrive until 1130. And then we're talking for about an hour. So I think I went to bed around 1230. But I definitely remember having that heart pounding thing happen, and the fear and the fear of death. And it's, it's scary. And I still fall asleep, though. And that was without Seroquel. And then I had to wake up at seven, so, or 730. So I didn't get the longest sleep. And so falling asleep has been a little bit dicey these last three nights. For the first night, I was falling asleep, then the second night it was staying asleep. And then the third night it was falling asleep again. So the hearty nutritional stuff is supposed to come tomorrow, and it probably won't come until evening. And so they said take two, three times a day. And then at some point, I'll just take six before bed. So tonight won't be included in that. So we'll see how tonight goes. And then tomorrow is a little bit of a day with the essential amino acids. And then Thursday, we'll be able to do the full amounts. And I'm saying this because I'm hoping that it helps. Because if it doesn't, that might be a sign that I should head home

So I haven't done a video in about a week. And I haven't been feeling that good emotionally. I've been in some conflict and not really handling myself very well. And I let a lot of things build up over time and just wasn't me expressing myself throughout even though I can talk to myself. for hours and hours, sometimes I'm not the greatest at talking to others in terms of setting up certain boundaries. It could be my training as a peer, just wanting to be open and accepting a very thing specially considering that I have needed that from people at times. And a lot of different factors, but I'm, I'm learning about that. I don't feel happy. I had those couple of good days. And then I was taking some notes and stuff, and then I just haven't had a good week at all. And I think I'm really missing my family and my community. And not feeling I'm not feeling lonely. I don't know how I'm feeling I'm feeling like maybe I would rather be with my family and my community then in California. When before I left, I was thinking I think I'd rather be in California than with my family and community. And it could just be that I've maxed myself out. But it's not just that because I've been struggling here because of what I was talking about before having that mini crisis and having to take Seroquel so many of the days here. I've just been going through like a zombie and that's not how I thought I would have to go through my days here. I thought I would have at least six months until my next crisis and it was a total of something like a month. And then I was taking Seroquel and then I went to LA and did ecpr and so I started trying to take less Seroquel and then it was hard to get off the Seroquel. I went from full to have to try to go off of Seroquel completely. And the Hardy nutritionals people said those were too big of jumps. But now I've been on Seroquel. I'm taking a quarter now. So that would be seven, seven and a half milligrams. But I've been taking it go going on two months. And I think just the totality of everything, taking the circle for two months having that crisis and having to go through much of it by myself and just drop dragged myself through it. And now doing the hearty nutritional thing, which I'm guessing is going to make me feel in different ways at different times. And some stuffs gonna want to come out perhaps that has just been kept at bay by the medications. And also I'm used to interacting with people in the mental health community where there's a lot of understanding and care and all these different things. Whereas right now I'm in the real world, which doesn't necessarily have that context. And so instead of operating within an amongst that context and with people who understand that and who are going through similar things. So there's this mutual support by virtue of just going through it and not even really have having to say things and explain it. I feel like I almost have to explain myself somewhat. not totally, I just, I feel like I understand that I'm not in that context. So I have to be more wary because I could be. I could be misunderstood, or, I don't know, it's hard to explain, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but and just not having people that know me where other people back home, know me and I don't have to feel like I'm I feel kind of like things that I do could easily have more points against me than for me or something. Whereas in my community, I feel like, there's little chance of things going wrong. And if they do, it's not really going to affect anything, because I've been there quite a long time. People know me. I've supported people people have supported me, it's just very reciprocal and mutual. And I find just in talking to myself, now I've speaking a lot of the language of peer support. And so I like the way that kind of community is, is set up. I feel like here some people know about my diagnosis and label. So if I do struggle and voice things, then they could be interpreted as something to do with my label, because they don't know me enough to know. And nothing terrible has happened. It's more. I'm just, I'm just struggling in the scenario I'm in now, and and it's one thing to struggle. But it's another thing to struggle for two months and feel like, well, maybe this struggle would be less. If I was at home, if I would have known that I would have needed to take Seroquel while I was down here, I don't think I would have come down here. I was planning on just bringing a couple of circles, just in case, because I really didn't think anything was gonna happen. But I brought a whole bottle. And I've had to take it every day for the last two months. And so it's been somewhat of a struggle on my own dealing with these things, having to pretend that I'm doing better than I am around others and just go about what I need to do in a day. And I think it's just the time is just feeling like I want to go home and I feel like maybe I should I wanted to stay down here because there's another course I want to take in July. But I don't know. And I really wish I had a car down here. It's difficult to get around and and I haven't done a reduction of my meds for a while. So I will talk to her nutritionals on Monday, I hope and maybe they'll say to go down in my medications because I've been bleeding in between menstrual cycles, and that might be too much information. But that pretty much has never happened. And I wonder if it has something to do with the micronutrients and balancing hormones or something like that. So I only say that because I could be kind of hormonal when I'm not supposed to be or something. I just feel disorganized and disorientated and not knowing what I should be doing and kind of like not in a good healthy routine and I'm tired of not having any money to have healthy food. I feel like there's no point in trying to be kind of healthy. Maybe there is but I'd rather just be not healthy and say money, then sort of kind of be healthy ish and spend more money. And I don't know what I'm saying. But next week, I'm going to try to do some more rollerblading. And and hopefully, if they say go down a quarter of a dose on my medications, maybe that'll help somewhat. Maybe I'll ask if I should take more of their supplement. I don't really care what it takes. If it takes taking more to to jumpstart my brain, then that's what it takes. And I'll see if maybe I should go down to 1/8 of a Seroquel. But one thing's for sure. When I'm in a place of some anger and some sadness and some grief. And, and my mind is occupied with avoidance strategies and so many things, it's definitely not an insight. There's no insight, there's no beauty. It's just self preservation and self protection, I guess I would like to leave California on a positive note. And better than when I got here, not necessarily worse, right now, I've probably gained 10 or 15 pounds. And I'm feeling more like keeping to myself and being social. And. And so I was wondering before I came here, if just being outside the mental health paradigm would help in terms of being able to transcend it? And I'm not sure if that's true or not. I feel like that's my community. I went through those experiences, and I can't change that. And so how can I utilize them? And I'm glad I watched that Steve pavlina video about how he said, when you get criticism or something, you can just not reply, or you can reply with a smiley face or whatever you want. Because I didn't reply to that email that upset me a couple of weeks ago and time in my day decided by others in terms of my activities. And I'm learning that just being here because so my day is somewhat structured. And I don't mind it, actually, but I'm seeing what things in my life. I don't like control, like food. There's some parts of the food process here. It kind of reminds me of being in a psych ward. And so before I met that person, so it's hard for me to think and abstract and conceptualize and plan what I would want to eat for the week. And actually, when I was back home, I was praying for dinner, and maybe a little snack during the day. And so it wasn't super healthy, but it also I wasn't eating a lot and I was staying slender and I was also doing quite a bit of self dialogues was feeling Here, I find it difficult to find a place to do self dialog, that there's any privacy besides my room, unless I was just out talking to myself and not really caring if anyone saw. And that might be the case, but I have my notebook and stuff. So it looks kind of silly or awkward to be looking at a notebook and then looking at a phone and, and also it's really hot. And being outside, it sort of makes the phone really hard and the battery die really quickly. And there's other variables. So I don't know what I'll decide to do. But I feel like if I don't get myself together, I might just somehow sabotage the rest of my time here. Because I am supposed to stay for six months. It was sort of a six month commitment. Instead of a commitment to a psych ward. It's a six month commitment. And it's actually quite difficult as a person, commit to something for six months and, and do different stuff and blahdy blahdy blah. Especially when I've been struggling and having to take extra meds and in certain jobs I've had, I wouldn't be able to take time off or think I've talked about how any time I've had to take Seroquel. I usually am off work those days. If I'm working in peer support, I I take the time off if I had my medical office job, I took time off. Actually I actually the whole time I worked there, I was fine. And I think because it was so happy and, and social and fun. So there's something about balancing this fun thing, and I'm not sure. But if I really have to go back, I will go back. I guess I can't expect it to be roses. Coming off segments. I actually saw a web page for a new respite center or home or homes that are going to be opening in San Francisco called gnosis something. And apparently gnosis means knowing what the heart. It's gnosis retreat centers, and Dr. Michael cornwalls involved in the project, as well as a bunch of people who worked under Artie Lange, when he was alive. And so the centers and the homes there based on the work of Artie Lange. And I've read Artie Lange's book, the politics of experience, and its total genius. I started reading it again. So I could highlight sections because I figured out how to do that. So hopefully I will get it together. And hopefully I will at least get somewhat back into self dialogue. Because it could help a little bit and even if I don't get that much self dialogue in it's good to do a video and talk about some of the more difficult days to because there will be difficult days in this process of coming off these meds and, and wanting to document some of that I want ice cream.It's a random rainy day here. And this morning, I got a text from my brain twin, and he's coming up here to visit. So could be interesting to see if we can do some brainstorming. And he has some pretty good ideas about some stuff. So again, it would be awesome to be able to collaborate and not just be having insights and talking about them. And I think it might also help to motivate me a little bit because right now I feel a bit like, I'm not really helping myself out right now. So I'm trying to come off the meds, but I'm not eating healthy and having a good healthy routine. And I'm not really helping others. So I feel a little bit like, what am I doing? So if we can do some collaborating him and I then maybe my brain will be more motivated and a bit more happy in terms of that, because right now, I'm nearly halfway through my time in California, and I've only gone downhill, even though it's not really that much downhill. It's just more so certain aspects of my life are missing. Like, I was wondering, would it be like to be away from mental health. And since him, and I talk about mental health stuff, it's a way to re engage that area with more than just myself. Because perhaps the stuff I'm talking about is becoming more and more abstract. And I don't even know because I haven't talked about any of it in a week. And I don't know what else to talk about. But maybe I'll go get a snack. I'm outside, and it's a rare rainstorm. But I'm just sitting on the ground reminds me of home to rainy place. And I met up with my friend today. But he didn't stay long. I thought we'd have more time to chat. And he's doing some cool stuff. He got he's hopefully getting himself an RV and living in a mobile way. And I think that's really cool. It's something that I would be interested in doing. At least partly, maybe living with my family and then having a mobile home instead of trying to get my own home, at least right away. And you have some other ideas that I won't talk about yet because we didn't get to talk enough, but I feel a little bit reinspired to get my butt in gear. And I was just watching a little bit of an Elan musk talk and, or interviews I guess, and a bit of a program on him and it's pretty amazing what one person can do. And he said something about how part of why he does what he does is to create things that will make the future better. So those things being created might make somebody wake up and be like, that'll be so cool when that exists because somebody is making it happen. And I wonder what that might be for me to do. The rain is already stopping. And then I just started watching a bit of a Steve pavlina video, he's up today 24 of his water fast. And I've been eating so unhealthy. And my friend said he might actually be able to lend me a vehicle so that might help and tomorrow Hopefully I'm going to go rollerblading. And I'll probably take a video of that. But I feel like I could work more on my blog and but I'm wondering what the most powerful thing would be to do. I could go back and watch some of my old videos to see if I can remember what the heck I was talking about. Or maybe I've maxed out on talking about stuff, and that's why my brain is not responding so much to it. It's sort of adapted to that, though I haven't been doing it to the same extent. So maybe I'll try some more self dialogue and see if maybe that type of process wants to be finished with and move on to something new. I just made this pastor does doesn't even taste good. I want ice cream. But I don't have any. I don't have a car so I can't go get any. I'd have to walk an hour and 15 minutes to get ice cream each way. And it's 648 there's no possibility of ice cream.Today I slept in till 11am. Definitely oversleeping. And I'm hoping to talk to hardy nutritionals today and get confirmation that perhaps I should reduce my meds by another 75 milligrams, which is 1/8. And today I remember to put mascara on both eyes. So I think I might be a little bit ahead of the game, but maybe not because I slept in till 11. And I went to sleep at like 930 or 10. I'm having a feeling that this struggle might continue. And it's not that bad. But it's annoying given the fact that I'm in California and wanting to have some fun. And speaking of fun, I'm thinking I'm going to go rollerblading today. And maybe I'll take some video of that. I remember years and years ago, about three or four days a week, I would go to this one place and just rollerblade all day and lay in the sun and not really do anything. And that was a day well spent. And now I feel like I'm not sure what a day well spent is my brain have no memory are problems with memory. So I'm feeling like I want to do something useful, but at the same time, my brain doesn't necessarily want to cooperate. So we'll see how rollerblading goes today. I'm just getting ready to skate down this hill. And it doesn't look like much of a hill, but it's still long so and I've never done it before. But this is sort of the road to the beach before I just started on the trail because I had a rental car but and I bought myself a helmet because I'll be on the road. And this is sort of roller bipolar, I think I feel like I need to try on some new avatars besides the series self dialog. Maybe that one has worn itself out. And I'm definitely feeling on the depressed side. So we'll see how this goes with getting out and doing something. I just ate a big lunch and I'm feeling like eating ice cream every day. But I don't have access to ice cream. Maybe today I'll be able to find some ice cream. So I'm curious how fast as hell we'll feel made it down the hill. Love the street canopy of trees. So it took me 40 minutes to get to the trail from where I was between walking and skating. So I just got the go ahead from hardy nutritionals to go down to 1/8 of a Seroquel from one quarter and 375 milligrams of lithium from 450 and 1/8 less of the trazadone. So that's the next dosage for a while. And then after the next reduction. I'll actually be off half of my medications which is a pretty good milestone. So I would like to feel a little bit better but I don't actually feel that bad. I Just feel kind of blah and numb. And they said that the anti psychotic is a bit of a depressant. So doing the 1/8 reduction might help a bit. So I'm looking to so I'm looking forward to see how I feel. And I think upping the physical activity will help even if I'm kind of lazy and I don't really feel like it. Yeah, I'm not that fun Hill again. Here we go. That's the money shot. wins against me today. Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. feel like I can be a little bit more daring with a helmet on. Go figure. always obey the signs. Like caution. So we've made it to the ocean find us anymore so beautiful over there.So I found this poor little mouse on a mouse trap I'm gonna attempt to get him off the trap but I don't know how well that's gonna work but it's worth a try because I can't watch this little guy suffer serious stuff such as baby oil but I don't have any so that's what I have is coconut oil spray might be stuck to my glove now though. Now it looks like it can't move because he's got his goop all over him so I might just kind of give him a little coconut oil bath like this and just all over sleeping is exhausted. He's getting a little more feisty. He's getting that sticky stuff off. Okay fine. Okay, no no lasting Just putting in getting oily so we didn't have that sticky stuff on him. Oh how can you kill this? Oh baby sorry that you're out Wally clean yourself off somewhere might be hard to see him in the light but I think he's happy to be free kind of exhausted covered in coconut oil or two just rocking them a little bit. Tell them it's okay pretty much sleeping knows how many hours he was trapped on that glue, struggling evening everybody keeping them warm to you got to make sure you can walk around okay and he's not getting stuck to anything. Give him a little bit of food must have been the most exhausting thing ever. I'm pretty sure he's sleeping. I can feel him twitching How you doing? Should I try and tell you a little bit areas got a lot of a thing to do. Found a little place to rest. Cody's cleaning up his hand putting the glue off He's trying to clean up some glue but he's just too tired. Honestly bringing the most something to eat. Think he's depressed. I think you need a bath. Starting to look nice and furry again. Want to make sure you're nice and clean your coconut oil and glue all over you. Yo, that was stressful. Moshi it's kind of an honor from the universe to hold an innocent creature in my hands and it falls asleep or even loosen my grip and it just crawled right back in to the towel and went to sleep. It's just so cute. Now that he's cleaned off, he needs to dry off. He needs to have more sleep. Nice to have some food and then have find a place to let him go. Thank you for keeping warm I'm awake. Picked up and then he was kind of awake and then just wanted to go back in again. It's not ready to come out yet yes as though had tucked in there and doesn't want to come out. He's awake. See you're running around a bit. Make sure you're strong second chance at life once on the ad before you goI've noticed I feel a little bit non social feel kind of blow around people like I don't know what to say. Or maybe I don't want to say anything. So maybe it's good to just talk to myself. So I at least have some kind of conversation. And I'm just reminding myself to be somewhat gentle on myself, because I am coming up with every day. And that's my main objective right now. Because if I can do that, if I can be off my medications, then that's huge. So that's the number one thing, and I'll probably spend another two and a half months in California. So I'm over halfway now, for sure. So I'm just going to do self dialogue, even though really out of the flow of it. So when I say map consciousness to myself, I'm talking about mania and psychosis. And that's how I created that acronym, Ania, and psychosis. But I like to create other possible words to go with that acronym. And I created one, meaning action potential. So the nervous system gets fired up with meaning. And when nerves fire, it's based on something called action potential, which is something to do with the difference of charge between the outer and the inner membrane, and then the charge travels along the nerve based on that. But in mob consciousness, it's an action potential of meaning. So the nerves aren't firing around me and the ego process, but around a different seeing meaning and making meaning and sharing meaning process. So meaning action potential. So the nerves are fired up with meaning and the meaning comes through the human nervous system, we actually are able to harvest the meaning by virtue of having the human body apparatus. So part of the self dialogue process is not waiting self dialogue, before I came to California, it was just a natural unfolding process that I did. And now I'm doing it to see if I can get back into that mind state. But also, I have the sense that I just want to talk about these things that I write down and catch up in a way, so I'm trying to catch up. So it's not really. So it's possible, it's not coming across in the same way, but it doesn't matter. Because this is more like brainstorming, than really picking out the bits that have the most meaning in a way. If I ever do share any of this and, and people in the mental health community or labeled people watch this, maybe certain ideas will catch on and certain other ones won't. And people might want to talk about certain things and other things. No. So this is more, creating a lot of different stuff, and not really placing value on it according to what I think is valuable to share. If I write it down, I most likely share it. And it's the opposite of what a lot of so called content creators, do they they really craft it and they really hone it down. And this makes it kind of funny and interesting because there'll be so much of it, that it'll be kind of random to see what happens instead of really some kind of intentional thing that I'm hoping for some kind of outcome. So I'm going to focus on coming off medication, self dialog, and rollerblading as well. And at some point, when I get over this ice cream craving phase, then perhaps I will start eating somewhat healthy. And maybe even these months away, eating healthy won't be my focus at all and I'll go back home and I'll need to get into shape and then I will share that process. SAS of losing quite a few pounds very quickly, I got a new program called g force visualizer. And when I started watching the visualizer, because it goes with iTunes, I had the sense that whoever wrote the program, the program code looks nothing like what this visualizer actually does. It's all these awesome visualizations going along with the music, but the actual coding for the program, if we read that, and looked at that, and had a book of that, it would be completely uninteresting to us. So there's this programming language run through a computer creates this visualization. And in a way, it's feels like this language that we're looking for the fundamental, whatever of the universe is so different from what that creates. That language run through the human body creates this whole world, as we change the shape of the planet as human beings. Yet, we're looking for something that if we found it probably would be completely uninteresting, and, and jibberish, and we're trying to find this beautiful, elegant thing. But without the actual apparatus without say, the human body, or some kind of life. There the language is, is useless. And it probably would just look like coding in a book, it would look like the, just like with the music on the visualizer, you get this really cool visualization, to watch and enjoy. But the code alone or without the music without the life, it's just not that interesting. It's just a bunch of coding. And I really want to connect with people that share some of these meanings, or share in the meaning making process and unfolding meaning. One thing I'm learning about being here is that it's actually a little bit difficult to exist for a long period of time among people who don't share the context of having some sort of mental health crisis, because I find that there's a much higher chance to talk to people that just speak the same language. And before some kind of crisis, oftentimes, we have a meet. And often in map consciousness or so called mania, we connect with a meaning more state. So we're making more meanings, we're seeing more meanings, and a lot of them. And I feel if more of us were connected to more meanings and making more meanings, we wouldn't need people going into crises to more of this meaning more, or if life was more meaning more, we say meaningful, but I like meaning more. And when our senses are all activated, we begin to create laughter. So when I go home, I might want to focus on laughter, and health. When I was watching a talk, a couple of weeks ago, there was a group of people and somebody said, on their slide something something something and I will give an example of this in five minutes. And just the way they said that everybody laughed, everybody got it yet. It wasn't even funny, but it was and it was so subtle, but most people laughed. And that fascinates me because everybody has to get this thing at the same time. And it's funny how that many people found it funny. I don't know. It's, it's bizarre. And I used to do a lot involving laughter. And I've barely done any in the self dialog, which is kind of crazy. And I'm hoping that I'll get some of the serious stuff out of my system and move on to something different, this could just be the very beginning. And map consciousness is energy that's like a lubricant. It lubricates gestures. it loosens us up. It lubricates the stale, constricted ego and gives us access to more degrees of freedom. So in a way A personal crisis is like ego, lubricant. And I wonder if some of these memes might help to set some of my friends free, free to at least begin to make meaning, again for oneself. And seeing that making meaning for oneself, has nothing to do with right and wrong. And I probably talked about how map unlocks hidden potential, but then it seems to at some point retreat. And I wonder what will allow that map consciousness to unfold without retreating? And I think the answer is love. Because love has to hold and behold the somewhat craziness for a while. And I wrote down that the environment is the agent outside the brain that causes these phenomena. And I don't know what I was referring to. But I think I was referring to how somebody was talking about out of body experiences where people will actually be out of their body and looking at their body, from in front of them or beside them. And they're trying to artificially recreate this by probing people's brains in laboratories, and I think they have done it. And so they're saying, Well, if you can poke the brain, and it happens, it's just a phenomena of the brain. But then I wrote down the environment causes these phenomenon in a way. Some people have this out of body experience when say, they're in a car accident or something. So it might be a folded up potential in the brain, but it unfolds when necessary. If somebody needs to view their body from outside the body, in some kind of experience where the body is experiencing really extreme trauma in a car accident, well, then that's when it happens, that's when the brain unfolds to create that possibility. So just because one can poke a brain, and that happens, probably every potential thing is folded up in the brain. And if you find the right place to poke, it'll happen but the universe can poke us to, it can be the thing that causes that phenomenon to unfold, and everything is folded up in the brain. And just because we can poke it doesn't mean that there's not a congruent actuality, in reality where those things happen. Just because it is in the brain doesn't mean that that's what causes it or that's what it's used for. And that energy of map consciousness moved me into a different reality. So it's one thing to be outside the body looking at oneself, but it's another to be in the body, but in a different reality, overlapping with the one that everyone shares. So there's so many different things that the brain can create, and reality with the brain. acting together, I was thinking about thought, and how I feel like thought circulates in our brain, because we're not learning. So when we're seeing and learning we're not thinking about, but we're in direct contact. So when we're not learning, it's almost like the brain is dead in a way. And when it's dead, the thoughts sort of swirl around the dead tissue. Kind of like how ants will swarm around a dead insect on the ground. It's because dead if it was alive, the ants wouldn't swarm around. So I feel like thought feeds on dead or inactive brain tissue. Or it's a phenomenon that arises when the brain isn't moving continuously with the present moment. It's as if we move through the universe, and the brain moves as we move through the universe instead of moving in opposition, which means brains not moving quietly with the moment. And then thoughts start because the brain isn't with the moment. And when there are thoughts, the brain isn't with the moment. So it's sort of a reciprocal relationship. And so the brain isn't really living and thought It isn't a living thing. So it's an appearance of living. So when we're caught in thoughts, we appear to be living, but our brain isn't really living so. So we look like we're living and we are living in a sense, but the brain isn't living our, our bodies are going through reality much like animals would. But what's interesting, I feel like there's a new evolutionary phenomenon, instead of natural selection is called manic selection. So a manic brain would select for different meanings, then the ones that have been brought into predominance in society. And if enough manic brains can move into that as a reality, then that would shift reality as manic selection. I feel like manic eyes change natural selection, because manic eyes perceive differently and select for different meanings and things. And when we're in that mode of perception, we actually get to the edge of reality, the edge of perceptible reality, because we see reality based on our conditioning and the stories that we're told. So if we go to a place where we're seeing different stories of how things could work, we eventually bump up against the end of the world in a way. And we often feel like it is a doomsday place. But really, it could actually kind of be the end of the world in terms of the story, we get to the end of the story in the trajectory of the consensus world, and it conflicts with the meanings that we're able to see and make with manic perception and manic eyes. And so it feels like we're at the end of the world. But really, we couldn't be at also the beginning of this other world, which has different meanings, which could actually just be a co creative world, realizing that we're creating the world with how we perceive and act and moving forward with the right meanings, which we have to continue to perceive moment to moment by really being in contact with this living thing that we are. And I feel that's part of thought as the brain is not in contact with itself. And the other morning I was sleeping in and I could feel and see my brain trying to work things out. It's sort of like when you can work on a problem subconsciously, but usually we're not aware. But sometimes we can be aware of we're half asleep or half dreaming or whatever. And I had the sense that it's not that I'm trying to figure stuff out, as in this me. But the human brain is trying to figure something out the human brain, we all have the same human brain, drop the conditioning, drop the memories, we have the same human brain and is trying to figure stuff out. But we have all this conditioning and memories overtop of it, which is messing up its processing of, of life. And I could just really see that the brain, I was there sort of aware, but I wasn't doing it. The brain was trying to figure something out or wonder about something or calculate something. And it was really interesting to watch. And realize that this has nothing to do with me. And I feel like we have gotten to the edge of reality. I feel like when we connect with those new meanings, or the meaning making process itself, and we see all these old meanings as meaningless. It really feels scary because we're so invested in it. And it feels like death to to let go of that. And I think it's hard for most of us to let go. And somebody mentioned the work of Daniel Dennett and I think he talks about memes. And he said that language undergoes natural selection. I think his work probably relates to this process somehow, but I haven't read it. It's impossible to read everybody's work. But I feel like the language of us, Mannix is being suppressed by the unnatural selection of the pathologizing process. So there's this unnatural selection of language because we go into this language making language, creating, playing with language, unfolding new meaning state. And we're told that it's a meaningless mental illness, and to not really go into it or think about it, it's just symptoms. And so to me, there is this language trying to arise through us as human beings, because we need new forms of communication of the world isn't going to go to hell. And so using the language, not as me, is being suppressed. And we need to learn how to communicate, not as the me because that's what happens when we go into that state, we don't really have a me as much. So it's difficult to navigate. So we need to create new language and meanings together, that creates that herd immunity against psychiatry. And I feel like meaning can come through us and we don't need a me, the me is what blocks meaning. So there's no need for a self. So in a way, the self dialog is actually selfless dialogue or no self dialogue, because if I'm only thinking in terms of the me, I wouldn't be able to say 90% of this stuff, because that's probably the proportion that isn't directly related to me. And I think that's part of the reason why I find it difficult to converse, is that most conversations are based on me and it's sometimes difficult to talk that way. If I was to talk about my knee, I would probably talk about coming off medications and things like that. And it's not a conversation I want to have with people right now.The property of the brain? Well, it's not new. But it's something beyond just the usual thought, consciousness. And I wonder, how do we create this emergent property of the brain, a lot of money is spent suppressing it, when people go into so called mania and psychosis, and then there's the people on the other end that are trying to help people learn how to get into flow states, and charging the money for it. And how do we create it? How might people who go into those states of consciousness and don't necessarily want to create created and surf that wave of consciousness? I think part of it has something to do with discontent, in that, when we go into the so called recovery process, we're told in a way, what values of society we are to re ascribe to and to work towards fitting into that, like getting a job, or volunteering or living on one's own and things like that. But can we see what we saw in those states of consciousness and what might work better for us and move towards that, and even allow those states of consciousness to come back. And if we're creating in alignment with that, then maybe that energy is served and surfed, and we don't have to feel turf. And I wrote down that words can direct our attention, in that we can think, focus on our breathing, and then we focus on our breathing, or attention can direct words. So if we're aware of the vast visual field, and we have so called choiceless, awareness, then that choiceless, ness picks that thing, and we might speak based on that. So in that way, attention directs the words instead of words, directing attention. And someone mentioned that the brain is blind to itself. So we can't feel our own brain. Or we can't see our own brain, the brain can't see itself. But in a way, in map consciousness, the brain is seeing itself, it's seeing all the activities that it does and what those activities are doing. And that's one of the reasons why in math consciousness, we get freaked out because we can see what the brain is doing and what it does. Whereas Usually, the brain is oblivious to how its activities in such things like thought, are actually participating with reality and, and changing it in a way or having effects. Even as much as directing our perception of where we're looking, because we're judging something. So it has an effect. And then we think that's just how it is. And we don't sense that it's having an effect. We just think that's me, that's, that's my life. That's how it is. But when map consciousness comes in, there's this layer of awareness of seeing what those processes are doing. And then it gets scary. Because we think, Well, I'm not even in control. It's just happening. But that's the same thing that's happening all the time. We just don't have that awareness of it. We don't have the ability to see what it's doing. So map consciousness shows us. It gives us that ability to perceive what all the minds mechanisms are doing in terms of thinking, thoughts, words and actions and how it's directing that end. What that's creating, and it's scary. And usually, in mania, we have a time of freedom from that whole process when we feel quite free and fluid and when the separation again, dissipates in that now we don't feel the self as the self. We just feel it as what is and Then. And in the talks I was listening to, there's a lot of talk about control. We want to control things. And why do we want to control versus play or be artful? We can think of playing the game of life or controlling the game of life. And controlling isn't really a good game. Why do we live life so much to control? And someone mentioned that, it's important to have no goals to have no mind wandering, I think it was Thomas metzinger. And then we have contact with the moment when we have no goals. So I'm glad that there's no goal with this self dialog process. And could be one of the reasons why I'm finding it difficult to start any other kind of process, because everything else seems like a goal. like writing something or, or almost anything. And I don't know, if my brain works on goals. I feel like part of this process is learning what faculties of the brain are diminishing, like goals and memory and things like that, and, and really going into losing those instead of trying to hold on and maybe have some kind of feeling that perhaps it's bad, to lose those perhaps if it's really lost, if goals are really lost, if memories really lost, maybe there's some other factor that comes in that is infinitely more interesting. And I feel like I talked before about how Thomas metzinger said that the self model ends when it becomes opaque, meaning it's seen as a model. But then the question is, well, who is sees this, who sees this as a model, then there's got to be some other level of seeing. And I think this is what I was talking about a little bit when I was talking about map, and how you can see the machinery of thought and what it's doing. And it's scary. It's scary to that level of seeing that sees this, there is seeing that can see this. And it has nothing to do with this self. And I think that's part of the map consciousness is it has nothing to do with the self. It requires a breaking down of the self. And the self has no role in whether or not it's going to break down. So there's nothing we can really do. We can just watch, there's a witness, there's a witness. So yeah, in mob consciousness, the map, the perception, sees the self as a model. And a dangerous one sees what that self model is doing. I'm jumping all over the place, because I've become quite disorganized with the process. think that if somebody was really patient, they could reorganize all the videos into some kind of semi coherent story. But it goes all over the place as it is, and it's not supposed to be linear. And that's probably how the universe works, too. But we just don't know it because we're so stuck in linearity until we go into something like map consciousness, and then we understand how it's not, or at least experience that we don't quite understand how that's possible. But it is, and the brain makes it possible. So to do with how we see the workings of thought, in map consciousness in that way, we're more identified with the witness. There is a witness that is witnessing all of this. But we become identified with thought and think that's what we are, and think it's real. And we don't see it for the machinery that it is. We don't see thought because we think it's the me and when we go into consciousness, there's a witness That's witnessing this me process. So we see that we're not that. But then we feel out of control in a way because thought is normally operating and controlling us. Yet we think we have control. But when we're in mob consciousness, we see we don't have any control that that mechanism is a controlling mechanism, and it's out of control. And so the brain sees the thought process. So there is another element beyond thought. And we're waking up to that other element in map consciousness. But in a way, that energy isn't strong enough in the collective to really cause the thought structure to just fully diffuse and dissolve. So map consciousness, in a way is a process of dis identification. It shows that life is in control, life starts to be in control and not thought, and life starts to be lived through us instead of thought, living through us. So it's life energy, living through us instead of thought energy. And in a way life isn't in control. Life is life. We wouldn't say life is in control of ants, answer life. But for some reason, we have thought in control of us. And perception, that witness is always in contact with that reality beyond thought, there's always that witness there. But we're not. While we live out our lives in suppose it free well, until the witness comes in and witnesses what this so called free will is doing. And that witness element is part of us. And we see it too, and it freaks us out. And I wrote down, life can't be controlled by a program. So in a way, thought is the programming language, which we pass between each other, and perpetuate. So we breed thought, and it's a programming language, which isn't life. And life can't be programmed, yet, if thought is sort of using us, and life overall can be programmed, life will turn against us. And in a way, that's part of what map consciousness is doing, it's turning against the thought programs. And that's why I don't buy into recovery. Because so much of it is, let's shove people back into the valleys of society, that conditioning of society when mob consciousness saw the dangers of all of that. So if there's an element of the brain, that's all the dangers of that yet, we're always moving back towards that, because we're being told to the brain is always going to eventually get scared. And someone in one of that talks that theoretical knowledge does not change, deep consciousness. And when I heard that, I was thinking, map consciousness does change, deep consciousness, we're all trying to find something that will change, deep consciousness, and a lot of us come into contact with that. But we're basically robbed of that process. And we're giving wrong interpretations and me to fear it in this culture. And actually feel like this is the start of the peer potential project. I've talked about that. And this is my meaning action potential. It's the action of the meanings that I've made through this process and in reference to this process, and hoping that others will do the same. And I was thinking about how it's just a world of different meanings. So one is in a state of seeing different meanings, clashing with a world of old meanings, and it's difficult to balance both. And then we usually fall back into the old meanings and have to take medication to suppress the new meanings. And I feel like there's no self there's just wrong meanings or ascribing meanings to a center or self or how most of the meanings we make are in reference to a self that isn't there or isn't real. So of course, it feels meaningless. And then we're we're making meaning without reference to a self It's full of meaning. But that's not the way the world works. That's not the algorithm of the world. Imagine if what was valued, had something to do with meaning, as opposed to the values of today that are causing such tragedies in the world. And I feel like the mental health system changes the map self model, into a self model of mental illness. And self dialog works to change that self model into perhaps a meaning making self model. And part of what makes map scary is when one can see the mechanisms of one's own thoughts, and what they're doing. One can now read what other people are thinking and doing, because it's so machine like, and it becomes really scary. And I feel like the self is manufactured. It's more an entity of commercial as commercialism. And so can we unmanufactured itself by continually making meaning without reference to the self. I feel like in a way, if we're able to share context and make meaning, beyond right and wrong, we in a way share oneself, if we're just passing the meanings between us and sharing and having dialogue, not about me, and you and this person in that, but just about meaning in general. Then it's just oneself, there's no actual center there. And I wrote down that map, changes our perceptual hierarchy. It makes salient different things. So maybe, pleasure was top of the hierarchy before and it changes to seeing living things in the moment, and really being there with living things. For example, and there was mention of rationality and reason and how it wasn't around in the dark ages. So in a way, there were the Dark Ages, and then all of a sudden, it developed that the brain had this capacity for rationality and reason. And then that was treated as the top capacity, the most valued thing. But in a way, right now we're in Dark Ages again, in other ways. And there could be a new capacity in the brain trying to come in, beyond rationality and reason. And I think this is part of what's happening in map consciousness, is that energy and consciousness is experimenting with bringing other perspectives and ways of understanding and, and using the brain. It's being used by thought and suppose it rationality and reason and look at the world. So it's a dark age, for sure. And I think something else is trying to come in. And who knows if rationality and reason didn't arise, and kind of this strange way that at first seemed kind of irrational. Maybe when that first came in, people thought, what the heck everyone that had, say, faith in religions and things, thought rationality and reason was evil. And in the same way, it seems like rational, reasonable people think this new energy that's coming in, they're not even seeing it that way. Is, is bad. But it's something different. It's something new. And it doesn't exist in the majority, just like I'm sure rationality and reason didn't exist in the majority of brains at first. But now, people are raised in rationality and reason. Whereas maybe that was something that was acquired later on in life. So we'll just like now, people are growing up in rationality and reason. And then they lose their minds and appear to be crazy or something. But really, this could be rationality and reason, breaking down in a way. Just like maybe people back in the day were raised in some kind of religious consciousness and then they He saw that, hey, these things that people are saying to me these beliefs people are giving to me don't make sense. And if I do these certain experiments, I can show some sort of rationality and reason against those things. Well, the brain and map consciousness for people who have experienced it could say, from their own experience, whoa, there's something beyond rationality and reason like holy crap, and know from personal experience. But how do you talk about that, which is beyond rationality and reason to those who are rational and reasonable, and how you talk about something beyond in that other language of rationality and reason, because it doesn't make sense, according to that. But people would likely say that these brain states are something less than rationality and reason. And I don't think that's true. Maybe it's just to bring new light to rationality and reason and not necessarily get rid of it, there's still a place for that for sure. And a lot of map consciousness has to do with less emphasis on the autobiographical self. And I feel that's part of why I have trouble socially is that I'm not that interested in the autobiographical self. And the self, in a way is an appearance. And I wonder if there were five people who got together who had no self, if something else would arise, sort of an emergent property of five people with no self, I feel like the energy of my consciousness in one person eventually leads to a person being diagnosed as crazy, because there could be at some point of five people around somebody who's in that consciousness, looking at that person saying, Wow, you seem crazy, I wouldn't take you to the psych ward. Whereas if that person in mad consciousness managed to be around five people, or four others, like themself, that energy might find some kind of coherence and create another type of human that can only happen if there's five people in that state. And I think that's part of the problem of mob consciousness as most people go through it in isolation. Whereas if there were five people in it, together, passing the meaning together, and really thinking together, not as a me as a self, but as just one entity, then that would have a ripple effect. But when we're isolated like this, and even using our energy to, say, fight, psychiatry, or the system, which is one thing, but it's detracting us and distracting us from what this energy is trying to do. And if that energy can do that thing, whatever it is, we don't know, because it would take five people in that space to do that thing, then there would be no need to fight psychiatry, because it would be like the proof of the reason, like when reason became self evident, right now that energy, whatever it's trying to do, it's not self evident, because there has to be five no selves, to make it self evident, are evident to themselves and spread the no self perspective. So just like we have an appearance of our self, within our consciousness, there might be an appearance of something else completely a totally different faculty, a totally different algorithm, a totally different transparent model. Right now we have the self transparent model, or the transparent self model. So there might be a transparent, non self model. But it might actually need the space of several people working together to maintain that energy and almost create a protective sphere. And it could almost be like a puzzle. It's not complete until you have a certain number of pieces. And this energy might need a certain number of people to really take hold Because it goes with the fact that it's not a personal thing has nothing to do with me. It's not for personal. Suppose it enlightenment or anything like that it's something to do with humanity as a whole. So the self is an appearance of the movement of thought. So thought wasn't moving, if it was still, if it was, in a zero state, there would be no self. So what is there in a movement of this energy, of map consciousness, when it's moving through not just one brain, but through five brains than what appears. And in a way map consciousness releases us from the wrong meaning, we've attached to the self, which isn't really there. And, and then we're in the flow of meaning and not the flow of thought, which creates the self. So the flow of meaning creates something other than itself. I think it creates a living being who wants to connect, it's back to that altruism, of seeing that we're all one. And not just in words, but actually. And the human brain wants us to get with the right meanings. So people who go into the meaning making state are attempting to get in alignment with the right meanings, and bring those back. So actually, the next age could be the age of meaning. It was the age of reason, and rationality. And now, we need some meaning behind this rationality, because there's a lot of rational things that are meaningless or are destructive. And in a way, it's hard to survive going into that meaning making domain because we come back down to this level of reason in order to bring back the meaning. But unfortunately, we are infused with wrong meaning and seen as crazy when really, we've connected to that next level of meaning. And when we come back down to the level of reason, we seem a little bit crazy, because we're saying meanings that have not yet taken hold of this meaningless, irrational world. I think that's really important. The meaning versus the reason. And I feel like wrong, meaning destroys the brain. All the thoughts in our head that are pretty meaningless. Cause the brain to shrivel up. It's not really flowing. It's not flowing with meaning that's flowing with thought. And that's repeating. And this is the human brain talking. The human brain speaks a language of meaning right now it speaks a meaningless language and it needs meaning. Think about how, when people in their life often it's because they don't have a reason to live. So they're saying, well, I need a reason. But they can't find any reason. Because there's no reason that can be good enough for a life to be good. And one might say, well, life is meaningless. Well, we need some kind of meaning. We need meaning and we don't if we add one meaning and might be enough, and I don't think there could be any reason that would be good enough. We need meaning, not reason. I don't think that made sense. But it kind of made sense in my brain. And that's all that matters.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So it's interesting how much difference a couple days can make. I feel like something shifted in a good way. And I don't know if it was doing some self dialogue the other night two nights ago I didn't do any yesterday I ended up going to the hot springs. And I also haven't had any Cinnamon Toast in three days. And I've been doing bulletproof coffee and I've been sleeping a bit better. And I've gone down to one quarter of a Seroquel. I was on a quarter before but it's hard to cut them into exact pieces so I was on bigger pieces. So they were more than a quarter was probably more like a third. So now I've been on a quarter for a day or two and still taking the Hardy nutritionals so I'm not sure what's making the most difference but I think all of it together is making a little bit of a difference. This morning I rescued some mice. They were just on the floor and they were just babies they didn't even run away. And I I'll include a bit of the footage. All the kids little whiskers are touching. And then after lunch, I just came outside because it was raining. And just started taking pictures with my macro lens of some of the flowers and some of the flowers with water droplets on them. Because usually here it's not raining so it was a different scenery. And to me, that feels like my brain shifted back into noticing beauty. And I was talking a lot about that. And then I sort of stopped the self dialogue process, and then seemed to get worse, I don't know, I haven't really watched those videos to see for sure. But it feels like stopping that self dialogue in the dialogue with nature wasn't necessarily a good idea. And then as soon as I started having self dialog again, and then I go outside, I just naturally start looking at the different flowers and how there's water on them and, and looking outward and looking at the beauty again. So that was an interesting experiment without trying to really do an experiment, I thought I was just going to stop the dialogue process, because just talking about stuff didn't really seem it seemed like not a good use of time, or, like I was saying the same thing over and over again, without knowing it. Whether or not that's true, I think it seems like just keeping my brain in that dialogue state is important, because as soon as I put myself back into it by just sort of doing some self dialogue, in a very uninspired way. But as soon as I did 20 minutes of self dialog, then all of a sudden, I was writing down new insights, that maybe not new, but they feel new. So I think the point is to stay in that process of having insights. And one might be thinking, Oh, well, that seems old. But it's still new at that moment. So keeping the brain in that state of newness is the important part. And I can see how that goes on in actual life. It's like, going into another dimension altogether. I feel, not 100% better, per se. But I feel like my brain is just in another dimension. It's not in that dimension, that I allowed it to recede into, which is all about ego me and coming off medications. And I wasn't even trying to make it about that. But it's more like, by not engaging this other part of the brain than the natural momentum of the brain is to go back to ego consciousness. It's like, this passive state, it's like this inactive state, this habitual state. And if one isn't actively aware and present, and putting one's energy into perceiving in the moment, and having insight in the moment, maybe writing them down, then it's difficult to stay in that state. And that might be one of the ways that a person who goes into map consciousness or transconsciousness, or an omni polar brain can stay in these other places, which is a place of perception, it's a place of higher awareness, and higher just in terms of being of a different quality, and dimension than the ego. And this makes sense with all the stuff I was talking about regarding how coming down from AB consciousness, we have to go through the ego process in those lower states of consciousness. And that sort of reconnects us to consensus. Well, there can be a mini version of that. When one is an experiencing highs and lows of emotions, one can still be experiencing different areas of the spectrum of consciousness, just by virtue of how one's perceptual apparatus is functioning. Is it functioning in association with relating everything to this illusory me ego? Or is it just seeing the beauty in the moment and recording it's almost like being a scientist or a researcher or philosopher of the moment? Not Oh, I go too much. Job nine to five, and then I do this work, but it's like work in daily life always working to perceive the actual end and recorded and sort of make it known in a way. Because there's definitely a richness there. Whereas when I was in the other state, there was no richness. So I'll keep capturing beauty, I'll probably forget again at some point. Because the thing is that when one isn't rooted firmly in the ego state, and I don't seem to be, and I don't even know if that's true, per se. See, I forgot what I was saying. But one seems to forget what one is even doing, because it's a non doing state that does something without a Dewar's. So it's kind of almost like starting again all the time. Because there's no entity there, there's no image to accumulate more images and, and sort of fill the brain up with memory. One needs to forget everything in order to see things afresh. And then they feel really rich. Instead of needing more and more and more, the richness of perception can pick out something rich each moment in any moment, and it's not an accumulation. So even if I think I'm trying to do something with the self dialogues, I really am not. And I feel like now I see for sure that this self dialog is important to keep my brain in that state, if I was in a place where I was having lots of dialogue, then maybe I wouldn't need to intentionally have dialogue with myself to put myself in that state of dialogue. Because as soon as my brain is in this state of dialogue with myself, it's then in dialogue with nature, and with daily life. And that's often how we feel when we're in so called mania is we can just talk to anybody, we can talk about anything in the moment, and doesn't matter what it is, we don't necessarily have an agenda. And that could be part of the trouble that at some point, in mania, we feel like we have an agenda, or we have a mission, or we have to do something or there's something special we're supposed to do. And that actually creates this sort of manic ego. But if the whole part about trying to do something, the motive, which is the ego can be dropped, then maybe it's something altogether different. Because that energy isn't trying to do anything in particular. And when we try to use that energy to do something in particular, that's the ego because it's picking out something from memory. So if we don't keep score, if we don't think I did this good thing, and now I'm going to do that good thing. And now I'm going to do that good thing. If it's just dropped in each moment, and it doesn't accumulate. It might not get out of hand. Because motive is from the past. And perception does not require motive. And it actually can only happen if there is no motive because a motive is a projection. And it's going to interfere with direct perception. It's saying like I know what to do with this moment. Which is the ego So it could be helpful for us, Mannix to see this mechanism that distorts what that energy is trying to do. It wants to see. And the moment will tell us what to do with that energy, which might not have anything to do with any prior moment. So instead of doing with the ego projects, we do what vision sees in the moment, and then not ascribe that to me. Because if we use that energy, which is pretty powerful, to create more of an image of ourselves to puff up a bigger me, then that might be part of what causes us to fall so hard. Cuz in normal ego consciousness, we kind of go up, we go down, we go up, we go down. And it's manageable in our emotional states. But if we go into manic consciousness, and use that energy to create a bigger me, even if we think we're doing that, to help the world, it's going to be a bigger and harder fall. So maybe helping the world is not trying to help it at all. We don't see what we're doing. And that's what's creating problems in the world. And by just trying to do more, do something different, it's still part of that pattern of trying to do something when that energy wants us to see what we're doing, and see something else. So for now, I probably can just have dialogue with myself. and not worry about the repetition. But just seeing that this process of making half an hour or an hour video a day, keeps my brain in that state. And it's like exercising that if I don't do a certain exercise, ever, and then one day I do it way beyond my capacity, it's going to hurt. Whereas if I do little bit day, by day, by day, it just keeps that going. It's almost like cardiovascular exercise for different areas of the brain. It's putting oxygen and blood supply in an area of the brain that is activated when one has dialogue. Which who knows where that is exactly, but I feel like it definitely keeps the circulation going in certain part of the brain. And, and having insights and writing them down, that creates circulation in a certain part of the brain. So what's really important is this insight, this intelligence that can have insight that has nothing to do with the ego. And all of our brains have that capacity. And I don't even know if that's what this is exactly. It seems to take on a life of its own when I go back into that. And maybe because I've done it enough, it's it's available, like learning to ride a bike and then not riding a bike for 10 or 20 years and then being able to just get on the bike and do it and that sort of like having that dialogue blueprint in the brain. So it's important to keep that conversation going from the other state. This state of insight the state of die I log this other form of learning and intelligence. And I can see that the trouble with getting labeled and drugged is it really turns off that capacity. And that capacity is what we gained through the states and sort of lose the very thing that we gained, which was our brain really being on and open to learning and seeing could really see clearly and then to have that blocked and taken away. It's almost like having our eyes taken out in a way. So there could be a way to reactivate that dialogue, intelligence state in the brain. Just by having dialogue with oneself and with other people. I feel like this is something the world wants us to do is have this conversation and have this dialogue about what this energy is trying to bring about. Right now, it's seen as personal mental illness, but I don't see it that way. I see it in the evolution of consciousness framework. And I experienced being in those lower states and the ego states and of me and and it wasn't energetic, it was heavy, it was awful. And that again shows me that that's the product of those states of consciousness. And these are explanations and these aren't beliefs, their meanings, their possibilities, their memes, their dialogical DNA. It's experiential Omni polar poetry. I think part of this other way of living that Krishna Murty talks about is this dialogical state of consciousness. It's a different way of speaking and seeing and perceiving and acting. And I think that's what that energy is trying to bring in when people go into map consciousness. It allows the brain to see these other possibilities and capabilities and capacities. Not the me to see it the brain. So I can see when that ego state isn't in operation. It's something else altogether.Sometimes there's a torrent of water. Sometimes there's nothing. I'm still feeling pretty good. qualitatively different, for sure. And I didn't mention yesterday that it was my birthday, I totally forgot. And it was so nice to not spend a birthday in the psych ward. Remember last year I was taken out for dinner by family members and we went to a restaurant and then had some dessert, I had some kind of pie or something. And after I ate the pie, my gums went numb. And I felt like I was somebody who was self medicating with some kind of illegal drug. That numb feeling on the gums people can get I just had this sense. And I had the sense that I had overindulged, and I was afraid, and I didn't quite feel like myself. It was kind of scary. So I wasn't altogether better at that point. But I was still on that medication that made me feel worse. So I'm not surprised. rocks on the wall to hang from. It's really interesting, because I wanted to find a tree to hang from just to improve my grip strength a little bit and arm strength and stretch my joints a little bit and gravity. I'm heavy. And a couple hours ago, my first day after turning 35 I found a gray hair. It's right. There it is. suit. I see. But that's there's got to be more. But that's, that's the first one that I've officially found. So I'm officially aging, which I was already but now those things are going to be popping up like mad. A few years ago, I decided to stop dyeing my hair because it wasn't gray. So I may as well just not color it. And now, I will again start to color it at some point. So I've been having a few insights and writing it down. Unlike the however many days prior. We're not engaging in that process. It just sort of stops. But the good thing is it can just be started up again. And I'm not sure if that's what helped to shift me. But I really think that's part of it. I was thinking about how this process allows us again to come up with our own perceptions. Like we might in childhood, we might see something and give voice to something about how we perceive it. And it's not necessarily true, but it's part of learning and it's fun. So can we come up with our own perceptions and that energy of mania or maybe I'll start calling it magic. It's an energy that allows us to come up with new perceptions or have new perceptions and then give voice to them or not give voice to them. And possibly part of it is starting to learn what to give voice to and what not to. So we might have a perception but it might not be something that is good to give voice to And Either way, it's not necessarily good to attach any of them to the me, the perception is rich, because it's an absence of the me. So instead of having this ego sense through which we sense it, interpret everything that is decreased. And we're in touch with all of our senses. At the same time, which isn't just five senses, it's every cell in our body has a sense. So we can be in communication with that to some extent. And the thing is, when that sense communicates with us, whether it's a cell or all ourselves are certain sense, this information, when we sense it, there's some kind of organization that happens that gives voice to something, so we can give voice to it. Or we can use it to identify and create more of a me ego structure. If I feel like I thought of that, or I came up with that, there's this ego sense that strengthened, but when it's just words, like it's just giving voice to something that was seen or perceived or felt, it's giving voice to all those other senses, as opposed to just the opinions and the judgments and everything that one has absorbed and remembered throughout life. So instead of speaking as a memory, we're speaking as perceptions and senses in the moment. And at first, that's very intense. But over time, we can learn to understand that more. So every time this flux and flow and, and changing energy of consciousness happens, we can learn, and it could be some kind of accelerated learning, because it's like being immersed in it, and there's no escape. Whereas if it was just this gradual, little thing, then the ego was comfortable with the gradual learning, because it can only gradually absorb so much information and, and collected around the center of the me. And that's this slow process of sound retrieval. Now, when we're in touch with the light of perception, that light of all the senses, combining together will then produce sound maybe, or produce action, it will produce something that is adequate for the moment, because it is the impression of the moment not sound being projected out to meet the information, which is light information, but all the senses, but it blocks all those senses by meeting it with the ego partiality, meeting life with our partialities. So in a way, the mental health system is the perception of police. It is some kind of intervention that comes in and stops this learning process of learning in the moment as the moment and being in touch with all of our senses, and, and pushes us back to the limited perception of the ego. I feel like part of the trouble is that during this transition period, where one is in partial ego and partial holistic sensing is that the holistic senses get translated into the ego. Because that's the language we speak, inside and outside. So then it's kind of muddled up. And that could be another benefit of self dialog is just speaking as these perceptions and not really muddling in the ego. So then, if the energy intensifies, then we have a bit more sense of, of what's happening, or we can understand those translations. When I had that terrifying energy, wake me up as I was falling asleep about a month ago, when I jumped out of bed. I had this faint sense of oh my gosh, I have to kill myself or oh my gosh, I'm gonna hurt myself. Even though I wasn't actually in that behavior pattern, I wasn't going to do that. But it was just this very faint, like a memory of that pattern related to that terror, but not strong enough to actually make me do anything just kind of noticed that it did make me take a Seroquel to make sure it stopped. And perhaps I could have waited it out and seeing if it just stopped on its own. But I didn't do that yet. But that might be the next step. And because when I had the full blown crisis in January, and I said, Well, the next step is to try to get it before it turns full blown. And I think I might have done that this time. So the next step, it's almost like a step backwards, because it's actually allowing to see if it's going to go full blown, which maybe I already know the answer, because I've already had it happen that way, a few times. But the difference would be maybe just going through it, and allowing it and then not taking the pill to see what happens. Which could be kind of scary. And I feel there's something with this whole fear thing. Like the fear that fear that terror of death is the ego being afraid. But it's not the ego being afraid it is the ego. So it's that coming back in or that trying to leave, I don't really know. Or if I can be with that fear and just watch the ego shrivel away. Kind of like that last scene in Fight Club when when the guy shoots himself in the face to kill his alter ego. And he's staring right at the alter ego. While he does that. And then the alter ego dies, it's sort of like using the light of attention and perception. To watch it just sort of implode upon itself and not take the body with it. Because it kind of is this energy that tries to take the body with it when it dies. So I am reducing my medications. Today, I will take another 75 milligram reduction of lithium. And so I'll be on 450 and I'll reduce the Seroquel. Well, I'll keep going with a quarter Seroquel and then reduce the trazadone tomorrow night by another eighth swell beyond three quarters of a pill of trazadone. And last three days, I'm feeling so much better, just less drugged. I think those drugs, they just create this state that goes along with one's posture and one's facial expressions and everything or lack thereof. And it's kind of scary. It definitely is this chemical prison, it's like this. It's like the ego tries to die to some respect and maybe just sort of atrophy and have these other senses come in. And it feels intense. Because it's new. It's something that we haven't really sensed since we were children. So already feel more freed up. And maybe it's partly because consciousness knows that these drugs are going to be on their way out of my system, hopefully. And the thing is, if it leads to some kind of crisis, I might just go through it without the meds. Because I've been on the meds and these crisis events still happen. So if I come off the meds and they haven't like, whatever, who cares? It's the same thing. I guess the only thing is that I could go into possibly being more up and down and set instead of being sort of stable. But how stable is it really if I keep having these distressing events? So yeah, I don't know if I said but the mental health system is the perception police. If we had different people who were in dialogue with us when We go into these meaning making states and hyper learning states and new perceptions and giving voice to something that is beyond us. And learning how to do that. Not getting back to the voice of the ego, which is the suffering and the struggling in the pain. This other voice is other perception is trying to break that. And that's partly why I've been in dialogue with myself to create this context. And I didn't really realize it. But this dialogue process is part of what that energy in the brain wants to create, it wants us to be in dialogue with everyone all the time, wondering, questioning, not thinking, knowing, judging opinions, which are all from the past, they're all from other people, and then we read something and then we're like, well, that's a good opinion, I'm going to hold on to that. We don't form anything of our own. And part of this perception process is forming something original and of our own, which isn't of our own, because it's actually a perception from the totality that we all share. So it's not even our own. It's the voice of guy, the voice of humanity, the voice of nature. And when that first starts, we first tried to learn that language, we sound like the equivalent of children who know English, but are speaking kind of gibberish. But eventually, through reading life and daily life, it starts to come together. Because we've been using language wrongly. And then when that breaks up, and we're starting to attempt to use language in a different way, not even really knowing what the right way is. Because if we knew what the right way is, we would do it. So it has to break up the old to bring in the new but in the meantime, we're at risk of being diagnosed with some kind of mental illness. And I think that's partly the reason why I feel like it's important to have dialogue with each other, and help each other to speak this other language, not just about, Oh, these are my symptoms, and this and that, but the meanings and perceptions that we have to help each other. Learn this voice reversal process, giving voice to what we see and sense and feel and perceive in the moment. And not the past interpretation of a small fragment of what it can see that is made salient from its conditioning. Why does the human brain collect sound. And I feel like if there isn't sound all crowded up in there, and the light comes in, and information, and, and the energy, and it's clear, and It impresses upon all of our senses. There's a computation that gives voice to something else. And it seems like it really does collect sound, because when we're in magic, when we're in my consciousness, transconsciousness and Omni polarity, we are spitting out bits, like they're coming out of our brain like popcorn. And so we're seeing some of that old stuff. And that's getting mixed in with the new stuff of perception. So we're not mentally ill or learning a new language, we're learning how to use language instead of be used by it. And I wrote down an insight. And I, again, don't know if it's true, just came into my mind. It's not that we get rid of the ego, because really who's going to get rid of it, the ego can't get rid of the ego. It's that the light of perception moves faster than the speed of sound of the ego. So the ego is going at the speed of sound like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if that light of actual perception of the present moment, hits our being, it's going to break down some of those sound structures because that perception is going to inject another voice. So if I'm going, blah, blah, blah, circles in my head with sound, and all of a sudden for some reason, I see something beautiful. And I look and even something like oh that's so beautiful comes to my head. That is a voice of the present moment. And that just inserted some sound from light of perception and information and created that and if I was walking With a friend, I might say, Look, that's so beautiful. So now I just pointed out something the perception picked up. And if our thought structures are very strong, then it's likely we won't even notice the beauty. And it's all around in every moment. And that is part of what brings out that structure of sound going on about the me that isn't even there. So we put all of our energy into that. And it's a waste, because it's nothing the birds like to fly through here. So when that light gets through those little spaces between the sounds of our thoughts and we see something that creates space for a voice of something else. And that can happen in an instant. And I think that's part of what happens in map consciousness is there's more of that space. And I feel like that energy that comes in, creates that space in the brain. Because the sounds and the thoughts are wasting the energy of the brain, and diverting into the prefrontal cortex and dopamine. But this energy that comes in has nothing to do with us. It's not personal. And it helps us to see life non personally, which is beauty, which is there, it's has nothing to do with me. But when all we can hear is the me, we can't be with that beauty, which is everywhere. And part of the main problem of the world I feel is that we're okay with sacrificing beauty. For the me. cut down the trees, we'll do all these things. And we can't even see the beauty of not even just the one tree or whatever, but the whole process of it. And in destroying that beauty, I actually feel and there's no way to prove this. That that is part of what creates more thoughts because thoughts aren't personal either, we just sort of pick up on them like, like antenna, people are thinking thoughts, and everyone has their own private mixture of thoughts. And I feel like the more nature's destroyed. If a trees cut down, it sends out more bad thoughts to human beings, because we're actually not separate. They've done studies where people walk in a room and chop up a plant in front of other plants. And then the same person comes back later. And the plants have some kind of electro or physiological reaction of some kind that they can measure. So when they're scared like that, we're scared. So if the plants are scared, if they can pick up on our fear, we can pick up on there. And there's a lot more plants out there than there are human beings. So we're wondering why all this chaos is happening like this. And it's because we're not separate from this, literally. And life is all the same language. we as human beings might speak English or Spanish or Japanese or whatever. But underneath that, those words that we've described meaning is the language life of gaiac consciousness of Gaia of the cosmos, that allowed language to evolve. So in the energy of Gaia, is all these languages that we created or whatever happened. But that came out of the total language. So we speak this partial language to human beings. But there's a total language from what you came and if, if we can't look at nature and under Stan that which we might be able to put a tiny fraction of that into English, and then maybe be able to communicate a little bit of that understanding. But even being able to communicate a little bit of the understanding isn't the language of Gaia, we could never get to the bottom of it. And we're translating it all into our language. So we have the language, English. But if we see a tree and translate that into paper, now we have translated that tree into human being, or human using human functioning. So we're transforming this whole complexity, this whole language, this whole gesture, this holistic life, entity into human being, or translating it into that, so it will retaliate with its own language, which is no earthquakes or whatever it can use to destroy human beings. And I don't think that it wants to destroy us, we're all the same, but it's just talking back, it's just saying hello. So we can see beyond the tricks of sound, the tricks of sound that produced this light image, engaging us. But as, as sunlight of the actual gets through that, as it gets through and creates this holistic perception, we give voice to something or we understand something, it breaks up all this light, cage misunderstanding of light and sound holograph phonic interference. And I've also seen that seeing and perceiving, give energy. understanding and learning and being with the moment, give energy. And I feel to just speaking as this other voice just using one's voice, not for personal interest in personal functioning, personal gain, the language of human using. It's a different language, it's the language of perceiving and wondering. And if we could speak this language, we wouldn't feel the need for all this mindless entertainment to shut up the ego because we'd always be learning from what is in the moment. And the voice we hear in our head is self talk, as they call it. When self dialog is self discovery, discovering things. Understanding learning, that repetitious thing is not that it's not understanding, it's not learning. He gets in the way. And I think this way of speaking, actually wakes up the brain and wakes up the brain by talking to it. Not having repeating tapes in it, brain is pretty much asleep. Just like we fall asleep at night watching TV while we fall asleep during the day, watching our inner TV, because it's on repeat, and we've seen it a million times. I think it wakes up the brain to perceive because it's meant for perception and not repetitious. yester sound deception. What a difference a few days can make my brain feels so much more fluid. I just made a pumpkin coconut banana smoothie with chia seeds and cinnamon.And then the magic forest water still running up here and see if I can find a pool to dip into think there's a call at the end. This is it. Oh yeah. This is why I feel so good. That's 30 degrees here and I practically ran the rest of the way. So this feels good. Soon, these schools will dry up here, so I have to take the opportunity. While I have the chance, while nature allows me to enjoy her beauty match magic. So I don't know if you can hear me because of the waterfall. I think listening to the waterfall is actually more important. But I walked all the way up here, it probably took about 45 minutes uphill, and around the end of it I was running. So I definitely have more energy. And I talked to the Hardy nutritionals people yesterday, and they said, wait until I feel kind of blah like that again before I reduce my meds. So I thought they said once a week, but they said keep going at the same dose until I again feel kind of overmedicated. And now I really know what that feels like because I was totally and then I just reduced by an eighth and I felt better so I guess that took the pressure off. So good. Yesterday I went to the hot springs again and sat in the hot springs and then went in the river and then sat in the hot springs and when the river that hot and cold therapy is as wonderful especially when it can be between a hot spring and natural hot spring and and a river much better than just changing the temperature in the shower. So I feel so lucky to be and one of the most beautiful places on earth. So it is possible it is possible for people with labels with diagnoses with these people, these professionals giving limitations and saying how life is going to be or how life might be. Or even now saying oh it could be pretty good. Well it can be really awesome. And right now my life is going between really awesome and really awesome place but not feeling super awesome in my body. But I at least feel hopeful that one day the two will match up that my body will feel good and the place I'm at will feel good as well. Maybe my body can feel even better than the place I'm at and pass that on and share that energy like it was when I was first in map consciousness might be time to dunk my head It's just me in the bugs. I was watching a video by Steve pavlina. He's doing a 30 day video series. Yesterday was 10 months of this video series. But I'm thinking of changing the anniversary date from June 20 have that as sort of like a kind of anniversary date. But when I looked, I really started making videos consistently when it was September 11. So I think that's more of like the consistent video day anniversary. And June 20th is sort of when I was doing a couple days here and there and doing numerous videos a day, but only on like four or five occasions within that first three months. So I'm gonna think of it as two different anniversary dates really. So June 20, will be a bit of a milestone and then September 11. So if you have a label, you too can be sitting in a river pool in paradise. And even if I'm here, and one day, I'm not thriving like this, that's okay, too. But at least to attempt to thrive is important to me. And I was thinking about how I needed safety and then self care and then attempting to thrive. So creating those safety plans and those safety gestures and safety devices and safety items that are a cue to me that I'm safe and that I'll be able to keep myself safe no matter what happens, say for myself, say from a psych ward say from psychiatry, even though I still use medications. I do so at my own discretion, not at somebody pumping them into me without my consent. And even against my consent, which I'm not okay with I'd rather risk the other things then. And work harder at keeping myself safe and allowing others to pretend to keep me safe. But really a lot of it is like torture. And they mean well and that makes it scary because they mean well and it's not okay. So I'm thinking of putting appear life coaching part on my blog, just to see what happens, see if people reach out and want to have a conversation just to do something. I've often thought that we as peers need some life coaches and people to help us get in touch with our potential not just get by, and not just drug ourselves and know when to drug ourselves and know when to drug ourselves more. No one we can take less drugs and I know like it's just so limiting and lame. And I think by focusing on Some of these other aspects, then it'll make life meaningful to the point where it's easier to manage those parts that do still need to be managed for now, until we can kind of shake off the chains. Maybe not all of us can shake off the chains, but the more of us that can, the more it shows it's possible, the more other people will attempt to thrive and shake off those shackles, this chemical prison. The water fleas are kind of cute. They're like bouncing around and chasing each other. So if anything, I want to help people bring out their potential. And I don't know if I do. The video by Steve pavlina was talking about when thinking about your purpose, think about the social aspect of it, who do you want to be in contact with. And I really love being friends with my peers. But I don't know if I actually want to work with them. In terms of charging money. I don't know if you saw the water fleas getting it on. Cancer I've ever seen that before. So the thing is kind of to test it out if I like working with people and just asking for gifts and kinds or something like that. And I also want to start the pure potential project, I think, as a social enterprise, to bring out potential so working with people and working together with people, and I really don't know what I'm doing, but I feel like something's got to get started. While I don't really feel like something's got to get started, but I'm feeling slightly inspired. Maybe it's that extra energy. Maybe it's coming off just a tiny bit of medications. I don't know. And I did make some notes and I'll talk about them when I'm not by this waterfall. As beautiful as it is. So yeah, maybe I could start talking more positive to actual people I've just been talking to myself but you could say anything's possible. Share your visions, we can live our dreams. Maybe don't share them with your clinician and your psychiatrist but share them with your peers and people who have the ears to listen. Oh and there are some dragon flies. I don't know if you can see but one has its but on the other ones head. Talk about head butting. So these videos are for myself and if anyone sees them to maybe be slightly inspired to make meaning and context for oneself again and and restore one's care for oneself. paradise. Map consciousness is dialogue and dialogue is unfolding meaning and we unfold meaning in that state, our brains are connecting with dialogue and wanting to share meaning with each other instead of be divided from each other based on ideals and beliefs. These altered brain states are part of the solution to the problem and it's made into a problem. The problem is lack of meaning and the brain goes into a meaning making state due to the lack of meaning or having one's meaning shattered. So I'm out of the pool now and ready to run back. Apparently, I have to watch out for rattlesnakes. pretty rare, but possible. There's a lot of Bidi bugs in here to see those things bite. Since I have some energy, I'm going to try to get outside more and just get in the habit of going for a quick walk or hike. Because I want that to translate when I do finally go back home. I want to be habituated to the outdoors and then not just stay inside, make an effort to go out and find somewhere beautiful to walk or hike. And also not be afraid because nature can be scary. But the more I spend time in it, the more I will not be afraid. can feel the bugs biting me everywhere. They're not very nice. The birth sounds so magical. Get off me. Well, I guess I should go. Let's run down the hill together.So I haven't talked to myself in a few days. And the last time I did, I was on a trail and in some nice pools and saying, live your dreams and all that fancy stuff. And the next day, I think it was, I slept 13 hours that night. And then when I woke up at like, 1115 I had something to eat. And then I was so tired, I went back to bed. And I slept for like three hours. And then I stayed in bed all day, I just didn't even feel like getting up. And since I felt so bad, I took 1/8 less of all my meds. And then the next day I woke up and I again slept like 12 hours, and then went back to bed and had a nap for like three hours. And then I just didn't get out of bed. And both days, I only ate breakfast. So I'm feeling less bloated. But I'm feeling still a little bit tired, but not really it's a weird feeling. And I feel really clear yet not really energetic and social or happy. I feel kind of like blah. So it seems like this will be a bit of a roller coaster ride. I've been on the Hardy nutritionals for a month now. And I'm guessing it's a bit of a rocky road. If I think about a few weeks ago, when I was feeling super drugged. I'm not feeling worse than that I'm just feeling different. And then yesterday before I fell asleep, when I was in bed around six o'clock, I noticed that I was starting to have sciatica, like pain. And it woke me up a couple times through the night and it made it hard to fall asleep because I couldn't get comfortable, there was no way that I could lay that would make this pain go away. And it's still with me today. And laying down doesn't help sitting isn't help standing might help a little bit. So I went for a walk even though I'm feeling a bit tired. And I'm just sitting here and sitting and it's not very comfortable to sit and the bugs here I got like so many bug bites I was so itchy my hands, my arms, my face. I think I just got another one there. And they put me on my face there and here and so he and in terms of self dialog, I again got disconnected with the process. And I don't think that's good. I was gonna do some yesterday when I was feeling crappy just to show how crappy I was feeling and see if it would have some kind of transformative effect, but I just didn't even get to it. Yeah, I would start talking about stuff now but I just am in a lot of pain. I found a nice big tree to sit in. This feels more comfortable actually. still hurts a bit but something about this tree. I don't even know where to begin with self dialog. Maybe sitting in a tree heals all maybe I'll just read something I wrote who knows why and just get it going. Perception fishes for new memes Meaning. Perception is meaning sees something understands a process. And the meme unfolds and can be spoken languages and folded in our brains, like a flower. Perception is a flower. Just like how our memes of memories are folded in our emotions. talks about that before. When we emote, this unfolds the old story. This was an efficient way to store stories and instructions on what to do if we have a certain emotion, because we perceive something, a certain story, something that we make salient with that emotion, which is slightly different between people, then it also tells us what to do. So in the past, maybe this was handy. If we felt fear, and we saw a certain pattern, we'd have a certain response. And this was efficient to know what to do quickly. And I feel like right now we're homo, a modus, free emotions, and we could be hormone receptors. So that's an important one, because it's seeing a pattern of how something is in nature and then the perception of that holistically unfolds the language of speaking that. So we can give voice to it. And we we sort of hear it as a subtle impression on the inside. And I wrote down matter is not solid, it responds to consciousness. How do we approach matter? So, Dr. David Bohm said something about how nature will respond to us, depending on how we approach it, so matter will respond to us depending on how we approach it as well. And we approach it as if it's solid. And can we approach it as consciousness as opposed to ego thing? selves? And I feel like the level of consciousness is part of what determines how matter will respond to us. And can we paint and mold the universe with consciousness? I think that's actually one of the benefits of self dialogue is that it raises one's level of consciousness, one's vibration. Because one is speaking from a different voice, in a way. So it seems like map consciousness is learning how to paint the universe with consciousness. and paint the universe with us and through us. But usually, it goes too far makes a mess. And we ended up just bladder painting. I feel like there's a certain level of trying to figure things out. In life in science, when it could be more a matter of figuring in learning how to create learning how to figure into it. What we need is sound screen, which is the light of awareness. The light of awareness is faster than sound. So again, in a way, stop the sound. And I was thinking about how instead of using I am, we could use today am now Here am I just skip the eye and stop speaking in terms of this center, that's not there. So setting A tree definitely helps the pain is not as much. Who woulda thunkI woke up a bit early, I set my alarm an hour early without really realizing it. I'm having my hearty nutritionals I've been on it for over a month now. And I'm feeling less drugged. But I'm not quite feeling any level of happiness which is okay for now could be just not being around the people I care about as well. To I'm seeing that's really important. So that definitely wasn't something that's included in the glide Park experiment. Having people around me that I care about my care about the people around me that I meet here, but it's not the same as knowing people for a lifetime or six years. I'm still itchy from bug bites. And I don't know if I talked about this sciatica pain I was having yesterday was so bad. I had to walk the whole day I couldn't sit down. Even at night, I was just pacing around walking because I couldn't really sit down and feel comfortable. I remember when I first went raw vegan about seven years ago, I just cold turkey Ravi and dead and My legs hurt for several days, my quads were burning. So it could be something to do with releasing toxins. Maybe some of the drugs are coming out of my nervous system. I had those two days of just laying down. It could have been from laying down. So now I'm on 450 milligrams lithium, three quarters of a three quarters of a 50 milligram, trazadone and 25 milligrams of Seroquel. So I do have to remember that this is my main goal right now is to see if I can come off these drugs. And this is a good environment for that. Though, again, it feels like I'm wasting some of the environment because I'm just not up to my usual self, my usual medicated stable self. So I hope that this doesn't destabilize me. And I was watching one of Steve Pavillion his videos on receiving criticism, and I got sort of it wasn't really a critical email. But it was kind of strange. And I don't know if I want to talk about it, because I don't want to talk about other people too much. But it's sort of threw me off. Like what the f. Maybe if I talk about insights, my brain will feel a little bit better. It was interesting that I was watching the Steve pavlina videos, and then I got that email. And then I watched a video of his on accepting criticism or something like that. And he had another one about creating value. And I got my first donation on my website, even though it was a friend of a friend. So it's kind of cheating. But it was still very nice. And I was thinking of donating to that person who emailed me just to be like, Thank you and goodbye. But I'm thinking to myself, why should I even do that? But anyways, maybe I'll talk about it later. And I wrote down thought is a gesture that becomes a trait at least historically. Now, it's a trait that we all have that we don't really question because initially it was just this movement of sound that gave some kind of pointer. But now what it's pointing to is all confused and it's pointing to the me which is an illusion. And I feel like intelligence and love our emergent properties of humanity, which is what we are behind the me. We're all the same We all have that same love. Right now we all have the same thinking going on. And it's from a pool of thinking, and it's not really personal yet we take it personally. So the trouble is more so taking it personally and making a meal out of it, then thought itself, the movement of intelligence and love will use that when necessary. And to me, words are how symbols of the mind come out of the brain and become relational. And we're relating based on these symbols and words. When love isn't a word, it would create different gestures and movements and traits, which could only happen if there was no movement happening and thought, just a little fly on me. Wonder if he sees me. Wonder what I look like to him? I think that moment was a moment of love and intelligence. Just really being with nature. And Dr. Daniel Siegel back to him. talks about brain electrochemical energy flow, energy flow with symbolic value. So we have this flow going on this electrochemical flow and it's producing symbols of symbolic value. Now what if we were to perceive in the light coming in, actually changes the electrochemical flow and changes the value of those symbols makes them less valuable because we can actually perceive in the moment. And he said electrochemical flow has information of symbols. And to me this sounds a little bit like what I was talking about with how the molecules of emotion, those chemicals actually carry with them the holographic information about what it is that caused us to react to that pattern. So in a way, it contains the interference pattern of everything that could trigger that emotion, and that emotion wants to be triggered. So it's going to actually have many degrees of variability to what can be triggered by that. And the light of insight actually changes that whole electrochemical process. Because if we saw things now, if we perceived now we wouldn't emote so much. And those emotions and making those peptides and neuropeptides. And enzymes are wasting our energy, protecting the grand holographic image that we have of ourselves. So I was like, we have this big holographic image and all the emotions are in different places on it. representing different parts of the patterns of what we can be triggered by I feel map consciousness is emerging to the level of love to be an action of love by the universe. An agent of the movement of love. I've had the sensation a few times. When I wake up in the psych ward, it's like when I opened my eyes, everything materializes around me it doesn't feel like it was there. It feels like it comes out of nothingness. That's happened in the psych ward a couple times. And when I'm in that state, I know who's coming in the door. It's really strange. Maybe that's related to how some people say the universe is in me. And in that way, it could be that matter is an emergent property of the mind of consciousness. It's almost like a death of the me into consciousness into nothingness. Thought as me dies into consciousness. Dr. Daniel Siegel said emergent properties are mathematically ascertained aspects of reality. If this love and this intelligence is an emergent property of reality, how does one measure that? I don't think one can. I feel like one can be the measure of that, by their state in daily life, like communing with nature, or with the flies. And he said, the movement of clouds cannot be explained by a single hydrogen and oxygen atom, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. And I think this movement of love and intelligence, it's nothing to do with one single person has to do with everything moving together. So I wonder if there's something that grows connection to this love and intelligence. I narrowed down that matters, how the mind animates itself, or how consciousness animates itself. And it's something that helps us navigate consciousness. But it's not the only thing. It seems like it's not good enough anymore because the world is at risk. So this other movement comes in and moves matter in ways that seem implausible and not according to the laws of physics, but only some people see it. But in a way, the laws of physics are structured, to kind of keep us comfortable. We can understand how things work somewhat predictably and not live in fear. When they start working in different ways, we start to get kind of scared, like in dreams. But that can happen, in actuality for some people. So I don't really think they're that fixed. And that's something that might happen in math consciousness is one can't rely on the laws of physics. It's perhaps that one relies on the laws of love. So then things don't necessarily take time things don't necessarily move at this slow linear speed that we're used to. If somebody was living in the laws of love, maybe they would meet somebody that is the perfect person to collaborate with them on something. And it seems like thought feeds on itself and has some kind of momentum. I feel like love feeds. doesn't feed on but I'm not sure. And I think it was Dr. Daniel Siegel. That said relation relationships are the sharing of energy and information flow. So we'll see how today goesI'm sitting here feeling like I got my ass kicked by the universe of the sciatica pain down the backs of my legs. And it's hard to get comfortable. Today sitting is kind of okay yesterday, I couldn't even sit. I spent the whole day in motion walking. And now I kind of have cramps in my calves. So I'm hoping this strange pain will be gone soon. I made a video this morning, and I really can't even remember if I talked about it. My memory sucks. And my motivation isn't good, partly because I'm in such pain. And I have bug bites on my ankles. And so they're swollen. And it's yellow over. So this is kind of a lesson in when you picture this beautiful scenario that you're going to. There's always something and not saying is regrettable, right? Anything, but it's just still. It has its own challenges. And I just want to lay down and rest. But I can't. I don't know if it's because I rested too long. And now I have this pain when I lay down, it intensifies. And I'm definitely feeling less happy unless social. And last week, I actually had a surge of feeling happiness and socialists. And I don't know if it's because I'm again in that overmedicated spot. But I did do a 75 milligram reduction of lithium and an eight reduction of trazadone on Saturday. So that would be Saturday night, Sunday night. So only two nights ago. So I don't think really Now is the time to do another one. But hopefully I will speak to them on Thursday. And find out if this leg pain thing is anything they've heard about. I almost feel like the drugs are leaving my nerves. And I think I said that already. But I don't even remember. So I'm wondering if doing a little bit more self dialogue is something to at least keep my brain engaged. I wrote down How does one stay elevated. And to use the word elevated and levitated instead of leap. leaping is not a good word to use in the whole so called mania and psychosis context. And I was wondering if a device could be created to mitigate people's voices. There's something called polyphonic sound. And it's really interesting, if you look it up and find sound Globes, and listen with stereo headphones, it actually sounds like a person is behind you in a certain place, by law in your head. So it's not just stereo, it's actually polyphonic. And it uses how the brain works to process sound. So in that way, one could almost use that to create positive voices or almost neutralize the voice that one has, if somebody like I hear a voice coming from here, and it says this, maybe there could be something created, or one has something that sort of neutralizes that or mitigates it or has some kind of balancing effect. I don't know if it's possible, but I just thought it was interesting. Because I saw this invention for these noise cancelling earplugs that you put them in your ears, and then it gets rid of all the sound coming in because it can actually like cancel it out. Well, apparently our ears actually emit sound just a little bit. So maybe there could be something that we're hearing that it's the sound emitting and the volumes turned up and somehow that could be medicated. I don't know how it all works, but it's just something I thought of. So good voices. And I also wonder if this sound that we have MIT from our ears, this has something to do with intuition. Or if it's the subtle sound that we can hear in insight, I really don't know. Just wondering. And I wonder if some of these messages will mitigate and balance some of the not so good messages out there about people's brains. Maybe it'll amplify these memes and amplify this consciousness. I was wondering if a different term for mental illness could be mental newness, because a lot of times it's something new. So it's scary. And even if it is something old, it's presented in a new way, or it doesn't seem like it's under our control. And in a way, all mental is mental illusions, their programs and abstractions? Can we illuminate this instead of illusions? Can we illuminate with that impersonal light of consciousness? And I found something written by J. Krishnamurti, that sounds a little bit like epigesturetics. He says, then the question arises, whether you can live in daily life without any control. Without any comparison, which does not mean you do what you like, but actually to live without a single direction, which is without control. This demands a skill in action, which is an art to be learned. And, in the very learning of it, is its own discipline. You don't impose a discipline upon it. The very observation of how to live without control itself, brings its own order. Do it and you will see how extraordinarily simple it is. That's from the 2016 Krishna Murty, bulletin number 90, page nine. And I think that's part of what map consciousness is initiating is for us to learn how to live without control, which is thought coming in to direct the energy of our life. And that's just pure life energy. And we have to be very quick and perceptive to act correctly. And usually, we mess it up. And then we end up hospitalized, but there could be a way to learn this art of action of so yeah, I'm not sure what I was saying I was distracted by a very loud when nice. That was probably an aircraft. Can we learn to act in accordance with the universe with the cosmos, which takes learning and practice in daily life, which is sort of like harvest practice and body. And some of us already gestured our way to the top. But then we fell out of it. So in a way, maybe we don't have the strength in some of the higher gestures really embedded into our neurology to be able to stay there. But we have the blueprint in a way, so we can be more aware of what is correct and what's not correct. I think part of it is that we see a lot of things in daily life that aren't correct, and not not good. And then we sort of take it on ourselves. And then we react. And we don't know what to do with all that's going on in the world. And part of that would be maybe almost having like an epigesturetics support group to start to learn these gestures, and relearn the gestures that the universe wanted us to gesture. And be in alignment with that and get feedback from the universe. So we're actually getting real feedback from the universe when we're in alignment with that. I think I started going downhill a little bit when I was writing and writing and writing and not able to keep up. And then I just sort of gave up on the process. Maybe I can't give up on this process because in a way, it's my job. It's a job without direction. It's a job without motive. It's a job. Without reward and punishment, it's just talking to myself and seeing what happens. And Krishnamurti also says, be a light to yourself, don't accept other people's inner authority or spiritual authority, find out for yourself. And it seems to me that perception is under the influence of thought. thought could be more intoxicating and sedating than any kind of alcohol or drug. It directs what to make salient. And I think a lot of times, in so called mania, we say what's real, and people don't really want to go there. Because they don't know how to go there either. We none of us really know what to do. And I really don't know what to do anymore. I've want to build a rest bed, I want to do this and that, and I don't even know and I can't even remember. So how am I going to do stuff when I can't remember jack squat? And I was thinking about how our homes make us individuals. If we didn't own stuff, how would we organize ourselves as human beings? I feel like sometimes homeless people might attempt to live this way. Not owning stuff. But it's to the detriment of the safety of their physical bodies. So how do we get there embodied? And how do we get there, sheltered with food and clothing? for everybody. And I think I talked about how it seems that things I say, are met with skepticism. I feel like I was speaking from a level of beauty and perception. I don't know for sure. But it was definitely met with strong comments or reactions. One person saying that's not true. And I just was just saying something like, very casually, and I was like, Whoa, and, and other things like that. And in a way, it feels like this flower, kind of shriveled up, sort of it was like, there's a flower with perfume. And Krishna Murthy uses that analogy. And then people just start coming, ripping the petals off of it. And, and so it's just not the same. I just feel a little bit de energized. But it could also be conserving energy and waiting for another situation to release it. It's almost like that other dimension tries to speak through someone. And then when it's met with a certain approach of somewhat anger and things, it's kind of shuffles back, and and then one is left with sort of this ego that's kind of blank, like the, and I feel like that's what happens in map consciousness where like, he Yay, like, everything's beautiful look at the universe and be like, No, it's not. No, it's not No, it's not. And at first, it's okay, but then after a certain period of time, it's de energizing. And I really don't know if that's true, but it's just interesting to me that that voice isn't always there. And I can see how someone might have that voice beaten down and, and also, when that happens, and that voice is trying to come in. And the ego is also kind of getting a bit messed up in the process. Because it has to in order for that other voice to come in, when can be left kind of this shell that could easily be interpreted as mentally ill or kind of dull or because when you don't have that ego voice so strong and and that other voice isn't listened to. Then what is there And people can't listen I don't think with the operating system of thought. And I wrote down a question Why is the me What's happening? So I will keep myself posted on this pain, these bytes and all that kind of stuff that's kind of beautiful.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I found a somewhat quiet spot. And I'm earthing. And I was thinking about how talking so much about all of this related to mental health is really to learn about it, just to be free of it, not to keep talking about it forever, to be free of it and be that other kind of human being that I've experienced myself to be. And that really requires looking without condemnation, but really wondering, to figure out how it all works. And in order to learn about it, if one calls it good or bad, it prevents learning. And I was thinking about how it's important to be free of fear, because it's the fear that drives us to seek help from the mental health system. And to me, that exacerbates things more than necessary. And it could take a good amount of practice and wondering and tweaking to find a way to make it so one can avoid the mental health system. So I wanted to take a second and read a quote by Krishna merde. I feel like what he points to, has something to do with mob consciousness. And I'm not saying it's totally equivalent, but he says, I think man has come to a point where he feels that one must have a new mind, a new quality of mind. I mean by mind, the activities of the brain consciousness, sensory perception and intelligence. Is it possible before man destroys themselves completely, to bring about a new mind? Is it possible for human beings to bring about a totally different category, or dimension of the mind. And to me, I feel like math consciousness is consciousnesses attempt to bring about this new dimension and category in the mind. And it's not really working so easily as people at the level of thought, consciousness, transform it into something else. Sort of capture those minds and convert that process back into a process dominated by thought and thinking about oneself and one's own problems, and making it into a me mental illness. So maybe it's already happening. It's just a matter of people supporting people to journey through it. Maybe nothing else needs to be done except for that. Just having more compassion while people go through this process without dragging them back into believing that they have a mental illness. And he says also, when you put away something false, the mind becomes lighter. And the mean is false. And when we put that away, we become lighter, we become more energetic. And he describes something interesting, he says, discard everything that is false, which is everything that thought has put together. Then the mind has no illusion. And he talks about reading the book of oneself. And he says, I began with the first chapter which says, Be aware of your senses. And the next chapter says, human beings have their partial senses, exaggerating one sense and denying the others. The third chapter says, See all the senses can operate. That means there is no center of a particular sensory operation, and the fourth chapter, and so on and so on. I'm not going to read the book for you read it and explore it so much with what he points to is talking about map consciousness and I feel like he had a transformation experience he definitely did. But luckily, he was held and kept safe by so many people who didn't think that anything that was happening was wrong. Plus, it was 100 years ago now, so there wasn't really that paradigm so much. So I'm starting to read more Krishna Murty stuff again, instead of focusing on mental health, and I have done a lot of writing, but I feel not so compelled to go to it. It's like that process could go on forever. And I don't know if I want to keep fueling that. Just because it can go on forever doesn't mean that I should feel like to go on forever. And I could change my mind and get right back into it very soon. But for now, I'm not sure how much of my notes I'll go over. I remember reading through some of it just to see if there was anything I really wanted to say. And I wrote down that thought in a way is yesterday sound at sound of yesterday. And something I realized today was that I was watching a talk by Krishna Murthy. And he was talking about how we live very mechanically in the thought, programs basically. And I feel like these thought programs are in our brain. And they're soundscapes in there yester sound. And I feel like the sound is actually blocking the energy of our heart. So our heart is love. And we all have a heartbeat, we all have that love. But it's being blocked by this cage of yester sound. And I feel like when that breaks open, it's just living according to love and not this mechanical thought programs. And so I wonder if I can live according to love, and I was seeing a lot more beauty lately, but that seems to have decreased somewhat, I'm not sure why I think it could be because I've been taking this Seroquel for longer than I've wanted to mainly to get myself to ecpr which is in a couple days. So after that, I will stop taking the circle. I'm kind of tired of needing to drag myself to stay in this sort of limited form. And today, I met somebody who wrote a book on her journal of being a psych nurse. And it had several stories about her connecting with patients on the psych unit that she worked on. And I read the whole thing in one sitting. And then I told her and she's like, wow, that was quick. And I said, well, it's my genre. And it's interesting, because I'm pretty sure in a video yesterday or the day before I said to myself that I feel like I want to do something just to put myself in that mode of mental health. And then it just came up in conversation that she wrote this book, and she happened to have a copy. And she gave it to me to read and I read it and it was quite touching is very much exactly in alignment with ecpr. So I feel like it could be a synchronicity in a way. And I told her that I have a label and she was surprised that I wear the bracelet with my label on it and I explained why. Even though I was almost thinking well, it would be good to not have that immediately as how I would be helped, possibly but whatever. And these last couple days I've had a bit of doubt on the self dialogue process in general. Not the process but possibly about sharing Or I feel it's important to always be dropping the meanings that I make. So I make all these meanings to have a different context. But it's important not to cling on to any of them. The greatest moment of the day was saving a little beetle from a spiderweb, I saw him walking in circles because his leg was attached to a spiderweb. This little guy stuck on spider web. And I saved him with a stick. And I don't know how many people take the trouble of saving insects, but his little life will live on as it's meant to. Speaking of which, that's really good timing, there's a fly on my head. And I can't remember if yesterday I talked about how a blue bird nearly landed on my hand, I would hold it out like this. And he might have thought there was food, but he attempted to land twice, and there was no food. So that could have been why he didn't land. But I'm going to try and see if one day he'll land just for the sake of love, not for the sake of food. Because I haven't fed this bird because it's not the greatest to feed wild birds. And I haven't yet attached my grasshopper takeoff video or my feet relaxing video. So yeah, I feel like something shifted these last few days. And it could be taking this Eric Well, it could be taking the Hardy nutritionals or both. And I feel a bit more calm. In terms of doing the self dialogue, I just want to really enjoy being in California. And I don't want to be doing two hours of self dialog day. So maybe I'll keep it more to a journal of what's happening in terms of this hardy nutritionals process. And seeing if I can be off the Seroquel in California, seeing how long I'll be able to stay in California. I am hoping mid July at least. And maybe mid August, but we'll see how it goes. Because I may just have to go home and and come off these medications and up the Hardy nutritionals or something. I'm not gonna stay down here and take circle every day. I feel like my job is partly to stay sane in an insane world. And I was watching a video by Simon Sinek and I didn't wash the whole thing because he started talking again about navy seals, like he likes to do and I just don't think promoting killing is my thing. So using that as an example of high performance is, I don't know just a little bit it shouldn't be Just so yeah, anyway. But he did say that a tip for something along moving towards your spark or something is, as long as what you're doing isn't getting in the way of what other people want. Are you getting what you want getting in the way with what other people want. So this self dialog is good because this doesn't prevent anyone from getting help from psychiatry, if that's what they want. It's just creating other contexts to help myself, avoid psychiatry, get through it when I do have to access that, hopefully transcend psychiatry, and and also, maybe one day move this whole process into a realm that isn't a medical problem. Right now it's turned into a medical problem, anything can be turned into a medical problem. But yeah, part of this shift, I think, is something to do with just remaining kind of quiet and seeing what other layers just need to fall away. And this is a good place to do it, just because I'm in California somewhere quiet. It's just going into this sort of healing mode, I think. Maybe healing some of the stuff that has more, has more of an opportunity to heal in this quiet, beautiful place, instead of just self dialogue, self dialogue, writing down insights all the time. Because the thing with that process is when I decided to go back into it, it will definitely just reignite. That's not something that one loses. So knowing that I can kind of turn off that faculty and and just be for a while. Like today I was sitting outside and I was very content with just listening to the flies buzzing around, land on leaves and play Chase. And as two of them would fly by me about four inches apart. I swear I could hear where the producers of Star Wars got their inspiration for all their aircraft flying through space in those fighting scenes like war. And today, I saw a lizard that just the way the sun was hitting the side of his abdomen. There was a rainbow on his skin, and it must have just been the perfect angle for me to see that and it's probably like that on all of them all the time. But he was really absorbing all the colors of the light, not just the heat of the sun. And I took a video of a lizard that I put my toe near and he wouldn't move. I was kind of cool. That infinity of nature is always there to connect with it any moment. And I heard somebody talking about accents. And then sometimes words, like my brain have a hint of something regarding my consciousness, but I was thinking of mania as a sort of accent of a different language. Just like there can be many different kinds of English accents. One could be accented with mania, and speak in a little bit different way, like some people say that gay people speak in a way that is gay. And that's sort of a stereotype that may or may not be true. And people may or may not want to ascribe to but there could be, at some point, just a manic accent. In that if we're able to prune the process and remain somewhat functional, we might just have an accent of mania instead of this thing that psychiatry would like to call a mood disorder. I think we're moody because we're reacting to society. And we're calling it out to the detriment of ourselves. So in my consciousness, the me isn't doing well, but the mind is just fine. What other layers of this me can fall away, because I'm in a safe place where I don't really need those defenses right now. I'm not working in mental health, I'm not needing to get all up in arms about stuff. So can I release that and practice abiding in this other state, and bring that back when I go back home versus being so charged by things? And I really don't know. But I have been sitting quietly and meditating many nights, and I don't think it's necessary, per se, but I could, in a way help to calm my nervous system. And I did call this sort of glad Park thing in a way. So this would be an ideal scenario. And that in that ideal environment, permeate my biology and my nervous system and and see what happens, if there can be some healing there. And that might show more than talking about stuff in circles, to be able to abide in that calmness and take that back. So I will talk about a few things. But I'm seeing now as I'm talking about it, the value of perhaps just calming down with it all. Maybe that calmness will help to ground some of that manic energy if it comes when I eventually journey off these medications. And it's the gesture of the mind to reach out and touch us. And I really feel like it's breaking up these mechanized thought structures, and we're actually learning how to be human beings without these mechanical actions. And I wonder how to really bring in the love and the compassion and to have that animate and to be really grounded in that and not reactive even when it comes to mental health stuff. Like, can I bring acpr back home without even needing it? Can I use this time to heal. And there's another thing that Krishnamurti said in a video that really struck me with what I've been talking about with language and stuff was the observer creates the linguistic difference between the observer and the thing observed. And he talks a lot about being with fear and facing fear. And I think that by taking Seroquel, I definitely don't face the fear. And I'm not with the fear, I Medicaid it away. And he also talks about authority. And I feel like when I go to the psych ward, it's like, using that authority to save me because I can't face the fear. And I really don't know, I haven't gotten into that. But the fear will need to be faced. And maybe it's not fear at all. Maybe it's just this strong physiological reaction that I interpret as fear so I don't allow it to run its course. And Krishnamurti talks about a non mechanical way of living. And he says, the way we live now is very mechanical. And I know from the felt sense of mob consciousness, that it's definitely not a mechanical state is breaking out of that mechanized way of being and being totally fluid and flowing with the moment. And I just wonder why that can't be maintained. Why can't that effortlessness be maintained? And then when we go back down to the level of mechanization, it feels so difficult. It feels like so much more effort, and that effortlessness requires sensitivity and intelligence. But the trouble is, there's too much noise in this world to live that way and be that sensitive.So this is my rental car. So I'm getting packed up for my trip to LA. It looks like I am going to make it to ecpr. I'm going to leave tomorrow morning at 6am. But this is some of the stuff on packing and some of the stuff I carry with me always down here. I always carry my phone charger, because I'm making videos or editing them or so many different things on the phone. So I don't like to run out of charge. And sometimes, depending on what I'm doing on my phone, it can run out pretty quick. And I always have my headphones and an extra charge for my phone separate. And I love my little macro lens. It's super awesome. And I like to capture small little things being cool. And I'm always carrying with me my zap straps, I have to because I can strap one roll my wrist and one around an object and tie them together and be quite secure. Or I can use just one and tie it around my wrist. And then there's just enough Seroquel to knock me out cold as well as to trazadone as well. If I ever get in the position where I just want to knock myself out and and lay there. It's total emergency never had to use it. But I find it helps me feel safe. And this is like a little towel a little travel pal. I always forget to use it. I haven't ever put myself in the habit of using it. If there's oranges around my wad an orange peeler, a little mini knife. I used to eat avocado, so I'd open it with a knife and then eat it with this mini spoon. But I don't think I'll bring these or this. But I do have in my bag. He may or may not want your own little plastic fish. I will have a bathtub at the hotel. So I might want to bring this probably not. I'll put it in the to go pile. And my love was probably well, maybe I will bring this. And I always have chapstick with me. So these are always with me. And my rental car keys probably only need to bring one and a water bottle. Somebody gave this to me. So one thing I didn't bring with me to California and I hadn't bought one yet. And then somebody gave one to me and it's for hot and cold. So that's awesome synchronicity. And I always carry a hankie cuz I have a runny nose, so bad. So I use this when I can. And so like chapstick and hanky are like the most important things in the whole thing, and then probably the charger. And then probably the lens. Well, this is always going to be with me since I've had a bit of struggle. And last night, I did okay on the half circle and one trazadone as well as lithium. And I will do that when I'm in LA as well and have my passport in case I need it. And my wallet with some money and credit cards and ID and stuff. And then this is my hardy nutritionals for the time, I'll be away for three times a day. And this is the book that I read that I told you about. It makes me a little bit inspired to write a book and just create a little something of information about what it's like to stay in a psych ward or something like that. And earplugs I wear those every night. And this is really important. Super important squeaky fart buddy. Probably won't bring that to the workshop though. But it might help if I was supporting somebody and they're talking their distress, I would just go there we go. That's the motion. I won this prize. Very awesome. So anyway, and have some snacks. You know, have some coffee. annex and close my, my medication which I'll probably just take enough, I'm not going to take all that and my new notebook. So I was listening to a talk. And I haven't listened to all of it but it was by Matthew Federici, and he was talking about some studies where people with the best outcomes that our patients are mindfully non adherent. And I love that term. And it definitely describes me and it's describes what I was trying to be when I was in the psych ward. Last year, I was trying to be mindfully non adherent. But unfortunately, that doesn't always work in the psych ward when a person is certified and has no say whatsoever, unless the doctor actually happens to listen, which didn't happen in my instance. And he said, it's the highest level of self advocacy. When somebody has a belief system, and they speak up about treatments they would or would not want. And it has actually been studied. So it's not something just made up. And I heard somebody before, say they read a study that people who were non compliant actually did better in the long term. which just shows we know best. And we know what's best for ourselves and what resonates and what doesn't. So yes, mindful non adherence. And I'm really hoping that ecpr helps with that sort of approach, and gives more space for mindful non adherence, because there's more other types of support. So one can further the range of one's mindful non adherence. So I'm going to bring this book tomorrow just maybe to show people or I'm not sure what will happen. But I'm spending the day looking at some stuff to just get back into that mode, somewhat. I stole my blue feather. And tonight, I'm going to go to a full moon meditation at this meditation place. And the full moon time tonight is exactly 9:09pm, where I am, and the ceremony or the meditation is from 730 to eat 30 or something. So wonderful get to be up there, while it's the actual full moon. And another part of the significance of this is that it's full moon in Aries. And probably because it's the Aries time of the year. And the thing for me is that I am an Aries. My birthday is in a week. So it's really cool to be able to go to this full moon, meditation, whether it's wishes of peace for the world. Whereas last year at this time, not only was I not in California, I was in carcere rated in a psych ward. So it's amazing to one year later be living my dream. not perfectly because I'm taking some Seroquel to get by right now. And probably taking it even more because I'm not at home with my network of support, but I'm here partly to heal and partly to move towards facilitating bringing more of a network of support to my hometown. ecpr is not yet in my country. And it would be amazing to be able to bring it so I'll be talking more about that I think because by this time tomorrow, probably have an idea about if I'm going to do that. And I probably will even if I'm not quite certain because who knows what we'll expand out of it. But it's pretty amazing. Because this time last year, I wasn't sure if I was going to turn 34. Part of that whole people who die at 33 like Kurt Cobain and other celebrities, even though I wasn't thinking of myself as a celebrity, I was just thinking, I really don't know if I'm going to make it to 34. I almost ran away from the hospital one of the days and who knows what would have happened to me if I would have done that, because they probably would have locked me up in isolation and things. But it was so terrifying to get through. Even when I decided not to run away, it was just the scariest 33 days of my life. And this time last year, that's what was happening. I spent my birthday in the psych ward. And previous days, I voted in the psych ward, done some weird things in the psych ward. And it seems like this year, I won't celebrate my birthday in the psych ward. And I'm not in this place where I'm thinking that I don't know if I'm going to live another day. Whether it's by my own hand, or it was just the most terrifying thing. If you've been through it, you know what I'm talking about. It's so scary, and it was made worse by the medication. And that's why I will never go back of my own volition. I will never go back there on my own two feet. And this is a blessing in disguise, because this will make me extra diligent. And it has made me extra diligent. Another thing I want to do with this car, and I'm not sure if I will, uh, depends on how I feel being away for a night in LA for ecpr. But I'm thinking about driving to Vegas for one night to see Celine Dion. And the reason is, because when I was first hospitalized and diagnosed when I was out of the hospital, I spent a lot of time just watching her videos, her world tour video, and then her live in Boston video. For some reason I was just completely untrained. And just watching her saying and also be silly with people on her tour. And everything just really helped me it was very grounding. And I don't know why Celine Dion, it just sort of was something that I found very calming. And because of that, I've wanted to go and see her in Vegas. And I tried to in 2014 I think it was, but she actually ended up canceling her show. But I went to Vegas anyway, but I didn't see her. And my sister is going to be kind of mad at me. But I'm not going to tell her because she would definitely be mad that I'm going without her. And I am too but the thing is that the way things are with my brain, I never know if I'm going to get back to the states again. I don't know if when I go back and I get back into advocacy and mental health somewhat if my brain might freak out and I might end up who knows, like I really don't know how much longer I'm going to live I could live another 50 years I could live another two days I really don't know. So knowing that I kind of want to go it's a five hour drive. And I really like driving more so than flying. So I'm wanting to go and we'll see how it goes if I do end up making the trip and I will tell her later and it just feels like somewhat of a completion in a way of going and seeing her and honoring that energy seeing her live and I don't really create that many goals per se but that was one that created just as one of those bucket list things but I don't want it to be a bucket list thing. I want it to be a an acknowledgement of of the The journey of making it from a place of sitting there hopeless, watching her and feeling somewhat calm to being able to go and see her live in Vegas. And another thing I'm realizing with this, putting less attention into the self dialog of insights is that it's moving towards that embodied thing I was talking about, but I sort of ignored in favor of continuing to just talk about abstractions is helpful context. But I could create that forever. And that might be to the detriment of my physical body. And I feel like I need to be strong, I need to be strong for the journey ahead, the next part of the journey in being embodied in such a way that it might help others to know if I end up coming off my medication, it might help others if I bring the CPR back home, and and I feel like in order to do that, I need to be physically and mentally strong. And I'm somewhat mentally strong and in navigating, if I do feel the stress for myself, but I don't know if I'm mentally strong to face some of the stuff that might be some of these unanticipated consequences of that which I feel this energy to do. developing some of that equanimity that Tom Wooten talks about, and, and having a physically strong body right now I feel out of shape and slightly overweight. And that's not really good for going back and trying to do what it is I want to do, to sort of feel my best in my body and be mentally and physically strong would be the most beneficial. So if someone told myself that, after my birthday, I'm going to put some more effort into eating healthy and, and getting into some form of shape. And perhaps I'll share more of that as opposed to this whole abstracting stuff, though, I do want to look through it and make sure I didn't miss anything really good. I've been looking at it and seeing that there's a lot of stuff that I see that I've already talked about, or it's just not that interesting, maybe it wasn't the time when I wrote it down. And that could be one thing is just writing stuff down and then taking pictures of the pages and sharing it on my blog. I think part of the reason to do that is that some of the stuff that I say sounds like it could be from somebody else, maybe I don't know, but just showing, showing the process a little bit showing that there's this other source of information that we connect to as people who are bipolar. And that's part of what this is to is just to show what it's like to have a bipolar brain, and maybe other people will resonate with it somewhat. And it might show ways to actually harness the process in a way so it doesn't get out of hand and and take on a life of its own and then take away from one's life. Because I've been in spaces where I write stuff down and I literally feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack that was years ago. So as a process and and that was part of the process was to share that there's something else happening and it's not just this meaningless mental illness and it's something that one can have a relationship with, one can have a relationship with this other information coming through. And this process to me shows that relationship somewhat. And shows that it doesn't really have to even mean anything. It's just like, in a way, one could See oneself as almost having this addiction to this other information that we're not making up ourselves. It's not really an addiction, but I'm just saying, there's this urge, there's this urgency, there's something there, there's this energy that drives us to write this stuff down. And we write it down, it doesn't even feel like our own yet, when we read it, we have this desire in a way to make some sense out of it. And maybe it doesn't really make any sense. Maybe part of it is just to have that relationship with it. So the energy doesn't make us feel like we want to explode in a way. If we can write and listen to ourselves, then maybe we don't feel so much like oh, I need somebody to listen to me, I need to change the world. Maybe it's just changing one's own world, but having some sort of relationship with this information, these insights, this other way of seeing these visions. And maybe the what to do with it will come about one day. Because I pretty much establish with myself that it's an unending unlimited process. And now instead of it taking me over and running my life, which it hasn't, for a long time, I can sort of tap into it and turn it on if I want, and then turn it off. Sort of like we can close our eyes, if we don't want to see is like turning that sense off. And I really do feel like it's this other dimension of the human mind. And even Krishnamurti said that in his quote, and to me, it's just incredible that he says those things yet. To me, it's so obvious that this other dimension of the mind is trying to boot up. But the trouble is, there's more people in the world that this is not happening to. And when they see this happening to people, they get scared. And they do something that messes up the process, instead of just remaining curious and open and unconditionally loving. And that's all stuff that's part of ecpr. So to me, ecpr could even be providing space. For those brains, who have this flowering of their brain happening, goes through the process and see what happens, nobody knows what happens, not even the people who are going through it. And we don't know what happens when we provide space for a lot of people to have this dimension of their brain open up instead of closing it off. And I don't think that has been done at all, because even with what is being done right now, that's considered good. And it has some value is still filtering and warping people's brains back into fitting into society as if society is the gold standard. And I don't think it is, I think there's a gold standard opening up in our brains that we have not even begun to scratch the surface of what it can do. And providing safety, psychological safety is one thing, but when I move into something beyond that, I really want to support people to really move into their magic move into their superhuman capabilities. Which we don't even know what that is. But we really have to provide the space and love for that to happen. The human brain really needs this space and love and non judgmental ness, or it's, I don't know what's gonna happen. Well, things are already happening, we're just not really making the connection and people want. Because the human brain only thinks about itself. It doesn't think about the human brain as a whole of humanity. And other entities that are conscious, and it's just, it's just a Gong Show, really. And in saying that I need to transform myself into my superhero, superhuman version of myself, which might not look very much different. And partly, one of the promises I made when I was still in the map conscious state the very first time I was so intense, I felt like I was dying. I felt like I was in a coffin. I could hear people at my funeral. But I was laying there next to a friend, and I immediately just jumped up and I thought I said out loud, I stand up for my niece. And I sensed in myself that I need to be the best I can be for my nieces and other innocent young children who At this point, don't stand a chance in life, even if they get the best of what life has to offer. If I'm alive and something happens to somebody that I care about, I would not let this happen to them what's happened to me? I would not, I would know better. And so I feel like this whole thing is done, like this way of treating people is done. It's going to be made obsolete. So the real question has nothing to do with mental health. And Krishna Marie's quote, again, is, is it possible for human beings to bring about a totally different dimension, or category of the mind. And I really feel like this is already happening. The mind the, the totality, Gaia, is putting people into these states to energetically animate us in this different way to bring about this other dimension. But unfortunately, it wears out and then the way it's received as a person is falling out of it prevents it from taking hold, because really what that needs, what that seed brain who's going through that transformation needs is unconditional love and space. And something else will happen then if someone's judged and labeled, obviously, it makes if somebody is judged and labeled by some kind of professional, what is their trajectory versus this other way? And it really is an act of faith by people who don't know what's happening for to be that supportive and trust that something good is going to happen. Can we go from labels to loveSome days with me the last rays of waves it's 844. And I don't know if I'll be up here until 909, when it's exactly full. I don't think I've ever been to a group meditation like this before. guy was talking about Christ and the Christ ification of many. And I feel like my consciousness is that it's calibrating us for that. Christ ification energy. And it's interesting how so many people who go into that state, often at some point, connect with a feeling of being Christ. And I think it's an advantage to have that calibration happen. Because if all of a sudden a massive amount of that energy does come in, and there is a Christ, suffocation of many, the people have already tasted it, or gonna understand it more. Blah, blah, blah. And he also talked about receiving a higher spiritual imprint, which to me sounds like the blueprint, a map consciousness. I feel like there could be a school of philosophy of map consciousness of people who actually experientially touch these realities that are pointed to so many different wisdom traditions. But when they come back from that they sound like crazy people. If that state that they're pointing to was just like the state we're in now. It wouldn't be anything different. So wouldn't be that which they're pointing to. When we're in that state, we're actually pointing to it. But it just appears kind of wonky. better move towards my car. So it's just hitting nine or nine now. So the full moon is officially full. Still, no, no, no. This is the full moon. So I'm ready to go to ecpr and La. I have an hour and a half drive at least, but I'm leaving extra time just in case. Let's see if the traffic is as bad as said to be. And I have my breakfast ready. I'm not going to drink any fluids because I don't want to have to pay. If I would have been doing better, I would have booked a hostel and stayed for a couple of nights. But since I'm not feeling the greatest, I'm only going for one night. I'm laying here in my weirdest hotel room ever in a kind of creepy area of LA. And I did the first day of ecpr today and I feel really good about the training information even though it might not seem like it because I'm really tired. I woke up super early to drive to LA which took about two and a half hours and then I was in training all day. And now I'm in my weird hotel room. This is what it looks like. And there's like the weirdest little kitchen thing that I think it's all mine. But it's so weird, I don't even want to go out there. Not sure if anyone else has access to this weird kitchen. And then there's a balcony, which I think is shared, and I don't want to go out there either. And I am supposed to go for dinner with the trainers, which I really want to do. It's a great opportunity to get to know them. Find out more about what they're doing. Look, it's my toes. And I'm going for dinner with the facilitators. So I feel like I need to study up a little bit. Get my mind in the right orientation. Like, what am I doing here again, what is my passion in this area. During the training, I had this idea to create my own class, but not really a class, but something about alternatives and options. And I created a document about that. Maybe I'll talk about it some other time. But it's about creating a safety first. And it's whatever works for the person. So for me, I have advanced directives, sabse, draps, servqual, things like that. And then also creating connection and, and then moving towards thriving, and have a bunch of stuff written down. But I was also thinking it'd be cool to set it up to helps have people co create that. And others have done that too. That's how rap was created. I'm pretty sure ecpr had an element of that in it too. And I don't know what the difference with what I'm envisioning is, but I think it's a little bit of having a person understand that they're really purposefully going to attempt to thrive. Attempt thriving, instead of just getting by. And it's great to have emotional CPR on the times of distress. And it's great to have wrap plans. I remember talking about creating a Wham plan, which is more about thriving. I don't really know what I'm talking about, because I'm tired, but and I think I do need to create some kind of social enterprise. With me being the first social enterprise person in the social enterprise. And they talked about learning through participation. Well, I need to continue learning through just continuing to create this stuff. And I feel like in my consciousness, we go from sharing gestures of mania, all that energy and all those gestures. And when the energy runs out, we actually need gestures of love and unconditional regard, in order to gain some of that energy back that we lost by sharing it all away. We try to share it and when people don't play back with us, then it's lost. And I wrote down that I'm not trying to do anything. We are meaning the collection of all of us as a narrow tribe, we're all trying to do something. But when we try to do it separately, it's not as powerful as if we were to get together and dial dialogue and play in order to see what it is that we're trying to create. And also awakening that dimension in the brain. So the Potential project came back to mind again. And I've been wanting to think of a word for positive triggers. And I realized that it could be energizers things that are energizing, because we're taught to be aware of our triggers. But I'm curious about energizers. And what spurs us into being in the energized state where we're sharing energy and connecting and reaching out and caring. So hopefully, dinner goes well, and I'll be able to share stuff. And who knows what will happen. I'm here with Dr. Daniel Fisher, who talked about psychosis as a monologue. And it's really cool to be heading in this direction. In my big, weird hotel room, this little ladder of mine, I'm gonna let it shine This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little ladder, man, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. That song popped in my head. So I figured I would just sing it. Songs pop in my head, sometimes, like they do for all of us. But often, there's nothing going on in my head. And then a faint song comes in. I have the sense that as this dialogue goes on, and a more embodied in actually creating something alongside with this process of self dialogue. Hopefully I'll smile more. Before I started working in peer support, two years ago, I worked at a medical office. And I was always smiling and laughing, and joking around, and being loving and caring, and I really was thriving. And then and then I got involved in mental health, working in mental health, and I lost that. But I think that's what I want back the most is that joy. And being able to laugh at myself, again, so much of the self dialogue I feel will come across as very serious. But if I was embodying my mania, I wouldn't be serious at all. And I also feel that before I can share any of that context that I created, I kind of have to live it. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of words. So I need to move towards embodying my mania and be firmly rooted in that before sharing this process of self dialog as something beneficial to help one embody one's mania. I did the harvest phase for sure. And now practice part of practices taking this class in LA, just going forward. And I have the car for another number of days after I go back to where I'm staying and I'm probably going to drive to Vegas now that's definitely something a manic would do. Drive to Vegas for one night to see Celine Dion. So that's definitely concrete action embodied. It's not just abstractions. So those would be things that show this embodying the mania. And I feel like as a person who goes into altered states I don't really have I don't really have a bucket list because my life is not really in entirely my own, I don't always have a say over what happens to me. And I don't know how much longer I get to live or how much longer I get to live the way I want to. So I feel like a bucket list almost implies you have this whole bucket of things you want to do. But I guess it's because it's the things you want to do before you kick the bucket. And I don't know where that saying came from kick the bucket. But I feel like it could be something around attempting thriving list that doesn't have a good ring to it, though, could be called like a crazy days list. Something you would do if you're crazy, but also something you would do before you go crazy again, because you don't know if you'll get a chance to. So you better do it. Now, it's almost the opposite of a bucket list where one day we'll get to it, it's like we have to do it now. And that's something we feel in mania too is we have to do it right now. But can we still have that feeling yet not be manic. The point of all this, too, is embodying one's mania, and thriving, as one would win in the state of mania. Without the state of mania, which I've talked about before, it's important to practice these thriving gestures when we're not actually thriving, when we're sort of even not just spending the even time waiting for the next crisis to happen. or doing the things we would do if we're waiting for the next crisis time to happen. And not really taking advantage of those times where we're even. And we actually can do stuff. Because a lot of what rap talks about is wellness tools to make you feel better when you're not feeling good. All the sections except for one or based on when you're not doing well. And there's seven sections and one is about maintaining Daly. And then if you're not doing well, and you're doing worse and you're doing worse, well what about when you're not just maintaining, but when you're in this space where you can put some energy towards thriving. We don't even talk about thriving in this genre of living as a labeled person. And I think it's time for that to change. And I can't remember if I share it, I created this love to experience project have people come in and have fun experiences, who've been labeled and just have a chance to come in and have fun, like improv and stand up comedy and practice of play and a voice coach to connect to one's voice. So important, because we lose our voice we lose our communication. So that's why I'm determined to create this safety. So then, when one attempts to thrive and maybe comes down from that, because they've shared all their gestures and sort of run out of juice. It could almost be a juice list or maybe just an energy list. Things that one will do with one's energy when one has some energy and what one wants to put one's energy into and it's probably something that is going to give one energy I feel this is kind of mapping new territory to purposefully be manic without being manic and I don't think manic or mania is a bad word actually really liked those words. They're just energy people use them for different things. Like super sales will be called mania like price Oh mania or something. So it's usually positive connotations. And even manic I like to say, Man, I see man and the letter I in the letter C. Meaning man, I as n eyes and see seeing or see the speed of light. So there's a lot of good stuff in there. I will continue my report later from my weird hotel room. I'll be kind of happy when it's tomorrow. And I'm across the street and my car is parked outside the building and I'm no longer at this hotel and I don't have to sleep in this town again. I don't usually think that way but I don't love being alone in creepy hotels. So I made it through the night at my creepy hotel. I went for dinner with Dr. Fisher and Maria and had a good chat. And then I go back to the hotel and I talked to my friend on the phone for a while and then we got on to some cool stuff about ideas after talking about some of our challenges, which is cool, and I was laughing my butt off from what we thought we might try to create. So I'm here with my coffee waiting for day two vsepr don't have to go back to the hotel because I'll be driving back to my spot tonight. And I got a tip to try Benadryl for sleep. So I will pick some of that up and try that for tapering off the Seroquel basically just not taking the circle anymore only been taking half. So I reached my goal. I got myself to ecpr and who knows what's next statue over there. I think that could be the inspiration for avatar to ground. Pretty sure that's where they got the inspiration. And I got this little Dave's buttermilk bar from my hotel continental breakfast. So I'm gonna see what that's all about.So I'm back from LA. And back in the peace and quiet. And the beauty. My hair is a bit messy because I was driving with the windows down. And Google Maps took me a different way, I guess, because it was a bit faster, and it was very beautiful. And it was just nice to see all the green in the hills and the trees and stuff that I couldn't really look at very closely because I was driving. And the CPR training was really good. And the group was great. I learned a lot about facilitating. And I learned a bit about the people who are involved in this movement to make ecpr more available. And for me experiencing that it just felt very natural, like, that's the way things should be. So in my mind, it wasn't this amazing thing, because it was just like, well, this is how it should be. Even though it is an amazing thing. It's hard to really say what I'm trying to describe. But after the training, I also felt kind of like I had less hope in a way because this ecpr training isn't cheap. And it's sort of beyond my control to get that kind of funding to start that sort of movement, at least is partly beyond my control. Whereas something like going out for a walk is within my control. So I started thinking about that. And I started thinking about how there's no answers, really. I keep searching for answers, and there are no answers. And even if this isn't answer, it's not something that I have complete control over. I can't just go back home and just be like, yeah, we're just going to run a group because it costs money. And I just feel like the recovery movement, even though it's new, it's already old. I want something like a rediscovery and recreation movement, rediscovering the energy when connected with rediscovering lost parts of oneself, recreating oneself daily. I just feel a sense of what can I really do? What do I really have the power to do. And so I feel like going through a few of my documents and just editing them and editing out everything that is outside of my direct power. Like if I want to get healthier, I can eat healthier food, that's something I can do. But if I want to have ecpr as a group at home, I don't have the direct power to do it. I thought I did. But they were saying it needs a sponsored agency and blah, blah and stuff that I don't have that position to offer. I'm still going to move towards seeing if I can help if I can do some presentations on a CPR and get people to hopefully pick it up. But I have to also make sure to focus on the things that I do have power to do a power to do self dialog. I power to go to Vegas, I have power to start eating healthier and getting some exercise because I really haven't been doing that. Simple things. I feel like for finding the dimensions that I want to work through me not necessarily work on but what do I want to work through me. And so part of it is thinking back to some of the stuff I talked about myself with which I don't remember if I tried to just think of it and summarize it. I don't think I could but perhaps things Come to me. I know laughter is important. And altruism, which I haven't really connected with fully at all. And I guess I feel like there's just not that many people in the world I connect with my friend who were going to share brains and get creative, I really connect with him. And I connect with my family, because they're my family. And other people, for sure. I guess I feel sad that many of us who have been labeled, are sort of medicated into mediocrity and medicated into a shorter lifespan. And, and I find it sad. I find it sad to hear people talking of such simple things and painful things. It's almost like keeping one's life so simple, because life has been so painful. And that's just really sad to me. And and I don't even want to wait for an ecpr movement for people to be thriving. I just I don't know, I don't even know what I'm trying to say or what I'm feeling. But I talked today with them about how I'm sort of walking a fine line staying down here in California, because I have to take this half a circle to sleep, and I've been taking it longer than I would ever want to just to get to ecpr. So tonight, I'm not going to take the half circle, and I'm gonna see if I sleep. I didn't stop and get the Benadryl and maybe I should have, but I'll take the circle if I can't sleep. But if I can good. I'm just tired of relying on these medications. And I talked about that. And I'm taking the Hardy nutritionals. I don't know if it'll work. So it's just I don't know, and I don't have a lot of energy. And I just don't feel the greatest. I was thinking that labeled Lives Matter people with labels and diagnoses that whether they're correct or not. And then the people trying to help and support them are burning out. And it's just, it's all messed up. And and when I watched that talk by Matthew Federici, he mentioned, too, that people can move beyond needing service and needing medication. And that people shouldn't be told that they're going to need this stuff for life. And he also mentioned something interesting. That reminds me of exactly what I'm doing with this process of self dialogue. He said, new dialogues emerge out of new eyes, different perspectives than the traditional perspective. And what I've been talking about is many different perspectives than the traditional perspective, as I've seen from my numerous perspectives, because part of what happens through meta consciousness is the ability to take perspectives and see from many different perspectives. And I think he said new dialogues and new insights, he either said that, or I just wrote it down and even say, crisis defined with a mental health label. So implying that it doesn't necessarily have to be defined in that way. And I really feel like people who are advocates yet still connected to the system. They know a lot more and they're just holding back. They're only saying so much because they know they can only say so much. And they say quite a bit beyond what the system would think. So they're providing valuable insight, but I still think they hold back So perhaps the more of us who have more contacts and more perspectives and more of a voice, a stronger voice, then people who are in the position of advocates can actually speak up even more, because there's more evidence. It's, it's the people speaking up, or the evidence, that's going to be the biggest evidence. So yeah, I've talked about a lot of different possibilities in these dialogues from the very beginning talking about creating respite, I'd love to create a respite where people that get labeled get to help homeless people, because people that get labeled often connect to altruism, and then that way they could help homeless people and then be altruistic, and then feel better about themselves and put their newly acquired sensation and orientation in their brain to use instead of just trying to bend it back to the old egoic way of being. And then when that starts to happen, it starts to get bent back, a person seems even more egoic because they're not liking this. This shift back from the way that they were growing. So so those are like dream size projects, that again, I don't have the power to carry out on my own. And then there's things like, I'm going to create something just to remind myself of what is within my control, and what can I move towards in terms of being superhuman to be able to help people with their magic. I don't want to help people with mental illness. I want to bring about this totally different dimension in the human mind, this other category, to category beyond categorization, and haven't been in touch with it for a long time. So for the scary aspects of it, and I want to re invite it into my life. But I feel like I need to be prepared to live that energy. live with that energy. Live as itI sit here and I really don't know how I feel. ecpr was all about connecting with and talking about feelings. And I say I feel a lot, but generally I don't share feelings, partly because a lot of them are suppressed by the medications. Last night, I definitely felt something. I went to sleep without taking the half a Seroquel. And at some point during the process of falling asleep, my heart did that thing where it sped up and was beating really fast and strong, and I was terrified. And this time, it actually didn't wake me up right away. And I remember just laying there with this intense fear of death. Like I don't want to die one day, or I don't want to die right now. It actually seemed different than last time. Last time, a few weeks ago, it felt like that sensation of panic where I thought I was going to kill myself, like I have to kill myself, but I don't want to. And this time it was different. It was a different experience of that death terror. It really felt like I really don't want to die one day. Yet at the same time, I fear that when I do die, it'll be by my own hand. So it's kind of paradoxical that I would have that intense. Not wanting to die one day yet, fearing dying by my own hand. That's quite something I don't know what it is. But so when I did wake up after probably like 20 seconds, I took the half a Seroquel last time it was different. It woke me up immediately because I jumped up feeling like I might actually do something to end my life. But it's always about getting to my safety plan. Before I do that before I feel I need to do that. And I always do. So once I got my zap strap. And once I took the Seroquel, I felt fine, not fine, but I went to sleep. So this time it was a different flavor of death. And I have to remind myself that it could just be psychological death, then part of my psyche dies. It creates a bodily reaction just like if I think of something scary, my body's gonna react even if I'm sitting right here. And we're doing that to ourselves all the time. We're thinking things and our body's reacting. So it makes sense that if the psyche is dying, there's a bodily reaction. And if I wasn't here in California, I might actually see what that turns into without taking the Seroquel and I talked about getting Benadryl and I didn't get Benadryl. So today I did because of that reaction to it. And I talked to the people at hardy nutritionals and they said, it's better to go off it. Bye going down to a quarter and then going down to an eighth. So I feel tired and I feel out of shape and I feel like I'm not eating healthy. When I got here I was at least eating okay ish and under eating a bit and I was slender, which I prefer that, especially when I'm taking medications so my body can deal with all the toxins of the medication. And I feel a little bit like going home. And then I realized that I wouldn't be able to sit outside I wouldn't have access to this. expansive nature doesn't mean that I won't go home. It's just I'm a bit conflicted. I'm not really feeling that great mentally. So I'm getting through the days but not in the greatest fashion, I'm kind of blurred out and the days are a blur and I i've talked recently about things like super humaneness. And it's like I'm wanting to talk myself into those possibilities yet at the same time. Aside from being in the psych ward, I'm not in the greatest place right now. And it almost seems like when I go to those far off possibilities, by speaking about them. It feels like I crash even more after that. So it's difficult to know what to do. I feel like I need to focus on doing nothing and getting healthy and I keep talking about this, but I just ate a bunch of chips with some kind of dip. I just feel so lazy when it comes to that stuff. So I'm supposed to go down on my medication 1/8 at a time for the next eight weeks. So right now is me not doing the greatest but not doing terrible either. I wonder if I'll stay here for the weeks and do that process at the same time or what will happen. Anything could really happen right now I could end up going home tomorrow. Or I could end up staying till mid August. I miss my family I miss my community of people is beautiful here. But it's also beautiful just to have a community of people that one cares about. I really care about my community. Here there's a community of beauty and there's a few people around but but not a lot. And I've talked about before how I do best when I'm around people. So here I have sun, I have nature. I have wildlife and insects. tried to save one of your brothers earlier from the road, but I just kept walking. They were very determined to walk across the path. And now I sit down and there's one of you on me. Oh, you're looking away. Right now there's four butterflies doing a dance. That's beautiful. And the other thing about the death thing. Krishnamurti talks a lot about death. And I feel like I could just go through it somehow. They're so cute or they go What I'm thinking of is that we all die at some point. Yet, we're so worried about this life when we're living it. We're all gonna die. So it doesn't really matter. And I'm not saying that in the sense of do nothing or it doesn't matter. So just be mean. It's more just the fact of it all and. And I've also been thinking about reward and punishment. And when I was thinking about how we've all been forced into mediocrity, I'm not sure why I would care if people have something negative to say about what I'm sharing. When most people just have mediocre minds. And I'm not saying that I don't, and I do too. But why would I care? What a mediocre mind who can't really grasp this? has to say about it? Why am I not more concerned about if it might be helpful to somebody? Why am I so afraid? And there's people out there that are courageous, they'll just share and say what they want to say and share their message. And and if somebody says something about it, they just aren't concerned. Even if somebody does say something, they forget about it the next day, they go on with their lives. So in a way that people that might benefit will put more energy towards it than the people that would not. I guess it's partly because what I have to say sounds like it's against psychiatry. And part of it is it's against the way it's delivered. Yeah, at the same time, I feel like I still utilize psychiatry stuff, and maybe I will have to in the future. So I guess it's difficult, because I want to be strong and have transcended it yet. I'm in this place where I feel on the tipping point of being in some major distress. Another thing I've been thinking about a little bit is that if I feel like I'm in distress, or I'm afraid of death, or whatever it is, it's it's a common human experience. It's not just me, it's not mine. Maybe I'm feeling that and experiencing that, but it's not mine. It's, it's from somewhere. It's just part of the collective and part of mine as well. To feel like I'm struggling Well, we are struggling, we're all struggling. I guess I just hope in eight weeks I'll have come off some of this medication, I'll feel better. It's probably better to do it here. Otherwise, I'll be just sitting at home in somebody's basement. Maybe it would be beneficial if I just spent all my time sitting outside doing nothing. Because it's something that I wouldn't be able to do if I was back home. And at this point, I don't know if I'm gonna go see Celine Dion. I have this rental car for four or five more days and that's what happens. I have these plans, but then a lot of times it just becomes a waste because I'm not even feeling like I can use Lies it sucks to not be able to trust that one can just do what one wants to do when one wants to do it. That little butterfly over there so cute. He looks like he is this little fluffy body and he's flapping his wings up and down like measuring the wind or something and waiting for his friends to come along so you can join their dance and see now I'm off self dialog yet. I feel like I'm doing worse than when I was on that and talking on feeling some kind of urge to do so. And then I forget so yeah, death reward and punishment. And I wrote a bit of my story for Katie motorhomes emerging proud campaign for the blog, and I think I'm gonna give word for to go ahead and publish it. I wanted her to wait until after I got to ecpr even though I'm feeling kind of low and not clean. I almost feel like I don't care anymore. But I do care. But it's I'm not. I'm tired of caring about worrying. My family, I'll see the story and they might worry or I don't know, I just I don't know. Okay. Usually you would run away by now. Did you get hurt? Yeah, right. Good luck. And then I was reading a talk by Krishna Reddy. And he was talking about how we always wait for this pressure before we do anything. And I was thinking a bit about math consciousness when we're in it. We have this pressure of the universe making us act. And then when we're not in that anymore. It reminds me a bit of harvest practice and body. Can we do those things without the pressure being applied? And then yet, it seems like this other pressure is happening for me where it's something building up and then leading to this thing happening at night where it feels like dying. And being afraid of that. Maybe it'll just pass maybe I can just let it pass. Why do I have to be afraid of that? And what's causing that pressure to build up is being in California and just sort of doing whatever causing a different kind of pressure to build up Maybe the butterflies now. Maybe I could just ask what's the cause of this pressure butterfly. He left. His friends flew by and he left his back. Oh, oh. I have no idea if I caught that on camera. But if I do go back, I think I'm gonna buy a stand up paddleboard and just spend time on the water. But it's not water season there yet. So, maybe last year or day, maybe last year, another month, maybe two, maybe three. Somehow I need to take an interest in this body. Think I'm going to quit drinking coffee to start maybe I'll just sit out here and start doing some of that self dialogue. At least it's something even if it's just for my own entertainment not doing anything altruistic right now. Maybe releasing this blog article be good. Start some conversation. Dr. Fisher was talking about how relationships heal. yet here I have a couple relationships but they're new and it's not like home so I came down here and it's beautiful in so many things but I don't have my relationships which are the strongest and most important thing. We some learning relationships are important. So tonight, I really hope that I sleep better with that Benadryl and I'll take a quarter of a Seroquel and the trazadone and see what happens. Maybe it's good that some of this is coming out, but just little by little. I think I just want my energy back. Life is more challenging when one doesn't have energy.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So I'm going back to an old notebook. So things are kind of out of order. But that's not what matters. The process is just about giving voice to insights and things that I see not necessarily putting them in logical order, because putting them in logical order doesn't leave much room for the new creative expression that might come through in sharing that bit. But for starters, last night, I reduced the trazadone by one half, so I took one and a half tries known and I'd have a Seroquel, I want to start taking the half Seroquel, but I don't have a pill cutter. So I might have to get one of those or really just try to cut it in half. And I'm still taking the Hardy nutritionals daily. So where I left off in my old notebook was talking about the body is a perceptual apparatus, and it's also a holographic net. So it's sort of clinging on to the images, it's recording, and associating those images with the past. So I wonder if we can be free from the holographic net, and not record with it not try to find new images to associate with all images. And I actually think that this is partially what builds up for people who have a tendency towards map consciousness. And when this recording isn't going on in map consciousness, the mind sort of touches reality instead of reality being touched by the images, and thus not really meeting reality at all. So the mind moves when the images Don't move. And then the mind moves through us and animates us. And none of this is really true. It's just playing with ideas and thoughts and insights. I feel like the old holograms resonate with the new incoming information and only pick out bits that are similar to it. So it blocks new information and only looks for similar information. And maybe the brain sees this as some type of efficiency, because it's calculating whether or not what it's meeting will serve its purposes. But his purposes have been programmed. So we're meeting life with the purpose as ever programs. And so not really meeting it at all. The net of thought is holographic. And the me is this interference pattern that's interfering with all the new information coming towards us. It interferes with life with actual life. And it seems like human beings are caught in this prison and this net of holographic light and sound. And I feel when this process stops the matter of the brain then speaks life life as its met. And our choosing mechanism RS decision mechanism is part of this net, we're choosing with our net and grabbing those bits of reality. And when we think we send out holograms, when can we stop adding to this collective recording that we all share? And I made up a word holograph phonic. So it's sort of this light and sound and as part of the image making process through which we meet life. And it seems like the universe has created a creature that can harmonize with life with his gestures and words or destroy it. We're the only creature that can really choose to be in disharmony in a way. It's like we can pick an avocado and eat it. Or we can just cut down the tree in terms of First there was the word. It seems like that's choice and we can choose to use the word for destruction or harmonizing. And I had this thought that there are lots of other planets that supported life at some point, and the life eventually developed words and language. And then there was the choice to harmonize with the language or to use it for destruction. And if life chose to use it for destruction, it eventually would destroy the very life that created the language. Language evolved from life from living things. And then the language when used to destroy, eventually destroys life itself. So I had this thought that maybe there are a lot of planets that had life, but they destroyed it. And so it's no longer there. And I remember Alan Watts has a video on YouTube describing how he imagined that life could evolve to destroy itself. And then it would, and I can't remember if he said it in his video, or, or if I thought of this, but I don't know, I can't remember if I did. But if we blow ourselves up, for example, DNA would go reeling through the universe, and it would kind of see the planet somewhere with life, eventually, life would be created somewhere else on the suitable planet, then the DNA got to and then might get too many planets, but only one might actually evolve life. So humanity, evolve, evolving, as it does, with language eventually uses the language and the intellect to blow itself up. But then that seeds, other planets with DNA and life. And maybe that's how life spreads throughout the universe, sort of like one planet than the next planet than the next. So there's always another planet. And in terms of questioning the prior assumption, we never question that which makes assumption happen, which is thought, which is language, which is our accumulated information, we accumulate information, and then we can't see life. And life will tell us different information. And I think this whole thought part is key in terms of being able to transform somewhat, because when the energy the increased energy comes in, it amps up whatever's there. So if there's too many thoughts, it's going to have to deal with thoughts from the outside. So dealing with that, plus personal thoughts, or making those extra thoughts personal, and personalizing them, makes it more difficult. And movement is part of communication. And that's along with the epigesturetics. But even the lizards here, they do push ups to communicate with each other. So communication is not just words. And when we're in my consciousness, we're in connection with that total movement of communication. And in a way, when we start to move towards the so called psychosis end of things. It's a movement, and it's a communication of some kind. And I wonder if it's also about needing help, or we need to help each other, when we're in the map conscious state, to stay in that state and not move out of it towards the structures of thought and society that would pathologize us. And meaning is a language, it's a living language. And life itself is the meaning of life. When I was thinking again, how important it is to not be attached to any perceptions, or insights. And that's part of myself, dialogue is not just thinking of a couple of things, writing them in a book and then and then clinging on to them, like there's something special, when none of this is special. And one day, I really hope to be able to face that real terrifying fear and just look at it and be with it. It's sort of like this internal death that happens, but somehow haven't been able to move through it. And we as people who go through map consciousness, we look like we have a disorder when the brain is deconditioning itself, from the order of society's conditioning, to the order of life itself. And I'm reading a book called on our own by Judy Chamberlain. And it was written in the 70s. And I can't believe it because it's so pertinent and relevant today. But she mentioned building up the confidence and self esteem of all the people involved in the work. And we as people who go into my consciousness definitely have work to do to understand the states and also, for the world. We all connected with having a sense that we need to do something to help the world. And Krishna already said I am the world and the world has me. And I feel personally like I connected with that feeling state in the state of so called mania. And one feels completely responsible for the whole world. But then one gets sort of crushed by that because it's hard to do on one's own. So I hope that if I share this one day, that other context, whether it's one thing or 10 things, or no things are not even the things but just the process itself helps to just build a little bit of confidence. or understanding, I don't know what it is. And she's so forward thinking she said, even a person who struggles to successfully maintain his or her own way of thinking, like I've been doing here, can be damaged by this form of psychological assault. So even if somebody goes through a system, and they don't think, Oh, I'm defective, and diseased, it's still damaging, to be told that and to go through the experiences of indoctrination into believing that. And I wrote down that I saw a little tiny fly. And he actually had little wings on his head. And I don't know if they actually flapped, but he was sitting there, with two little wings on his head. And he flies and he flies quite chaotically. But I've never seen a fly with like these extra wing appendages to help with their chaotic flight path. And he was cleaning his wings was really cute. And I started reading my writings from six years ago, before I was diagnosed with anything. And it was interesting, because a lot of it's the same that I talk about now. It's like, I knew certain things, and had certain visions before I was ever diagnosed with anything. And then the diagnosis was like, no, that stuff didn't mean anything. Yet, six years later, I'm getting in touch with that and saying the same things. So it's from that same place that one gets in touch with, and what happens when I speak nature, and infinity, and not thought and limitation. And one thing I wrote six years ago, is that that language is alive and always there. So I had a sense of this other language of this other communication of being in touch with something else that speaks through me. And I feel like map and so called psychosis is an attempt to destroy the old language, even though sometimes it destroys the person. But if one can just deny that kind of language, and move towards the other, and I don't mean just, that sounds like an oversimplification. But part of it is purging this old language from the nervous system. And when that happens, we see how scary and detrimental it is. And it's important to see it and observe it and not get attached to it or run from it just really be with it. Which there's no real paradigm for supporting people through what if more people spoke this language of nothingness. And it seems like all symptoms are seeing or hearing something beyond thought, or hearing something that's kind of off to see the awfulness of it all. And I wrote this blurb here and not just read it for the sake of hearing myself say it. Sound implies movement, like hearing something hit the ground. It was an orange falling out of a tree, one might look to find out or just know from previous experience, thus not feel the need to look. That's what that does. It saying what we know from previous experience. Thus, we think we don't have to look. We think we don't have to pay attention. This is partly adaptive, we learned so we don't have to put our energy of attention on something like a humming noise of a fan. We eventually don't hear it at all. Because our thoughts go on constantly. And we mistake that for reality. We have turned our attention down on reality. Just like if we have a rope and whip it in a circle. It appears as a circle, but it is a line a rope. Our circular thoughts may make it seem like there's someone swinging the rope, thinking the thoughts, I think there could be a perception theory of suppose a mental illness, our perception is changing, kind of like how our eyesight can change over time. And eventually we need glasses, or this change in perception is more radical. And it actually increases our ability to perceive. But we generally don't think about acquiring such abilities partway through life. So what have you seen? And what do you see? So I wonder, why do we no longer smell that the sound of thought is dangerous? The sounds of thought fade into the background, just like the smell that we no longer smell? Because it's determined not to be dangerous? Why does the computer brain make the sensitivity of the brain the sensitivity to life, fade into the background? And I sit here in 98%, nature and 2% human constructs? Why do most of us live in 98% human constructs, and then we wonder why we go crazy. And I remember in my consciousness, feeling like I could steer the whole world with my gestures, my movements, my actions. And at some point, this became scary because it was a huge responsibility. And I felt like I no longer knew what I was doing. I think part of the trouble is in trying to do something, when really we aren't the Dewar in that state at all. And I think that the sound of thought is partly the sluggishness, it's the energy drainer. In my consciousness, our brains work at the speed of light. And I wrote down that power over, creates memes words and sounds for people to believe. Whereas power with relieves people of the believer and puts people in contact with the perceiver. And I was thinking about how science wants to predict stuff. And even our ego wants to predict stuff it wants to predict what to do. And in my consciousness, sometimes we can predict, and prophesize things and see the future, because the mind is a scientific instrument in itself, and it's access the quantum state. But it makes the little predictions of science seem ridiculous in a way, because the brain itself can see way beyond it. So that kind of game is over just by this new capacity of the brain. It's a different order of operation altogether. And in David Baum's book wholeness and the implicit order, he calls the new mode of language he is playing with the real mode, which is a flowing mode of language. And that resonates with me, because I had a lot of language flowing out of me. And it's almost like a map consciousness, one gets in touch with a flowing mode of language, not as trying to create one, but just as one is in that state. There is language and new language and new perceptions flowing out of that person. So perhaps, that kind of state naturally greats that flowing language versus trying to create a flowing language from a state of not being in the flow. And I feel like the way we use language now is Newtonian. And when science is discovering quantum physics, we need a language to match those discoveries to make that come into existence. Because the discovery of it didn't create that it was already there. But in order for us to see that we need to speak in a way that makes it possible. And David Bohm says a few things that are cool in his book wholeness and the implicate order. He said, nature will respond in accordance with the theory with which it is approached. And I feel like human nature will respond in accordance with the theory with which it's approached. So if somebody is approached by somebody who's just thinking that they're going to put a mental illness label on somebody, then human nature will respond accordingly. So the way a vulnerable person is approached is very important. And can we approach nature as beauty with beauty. And I feel like the brain is shifting towards beauty. And the mind is unlimited. But the body is limited. And I'm wondering if this is part of the reason why I need to keep a lid on consciousness. And David Bohm said, theories as ways of looking modes of perception, guides to perception. They're not separate substances. Even with self dialogue, I'm sharing so many things that overlap, contradict, add, subtract, yet each one is a way of looking. And I wrote, I seem to be a way of looking that constantly changes. That creates a new insight. And can the brain guide perception to see beauty? Or can perception create beauty in the brain. And these are all different ways of looking at one reality. And that's part of the point of self dialogue is just to look at reality in different ways. Look at experience in different ways, not in terms of right, wrong, good, bad, better, worse. And I wrote, nature is made of a substance called beauty. But we're so busy looking for truth, that we can't see it. And we've turned beauty into pleasure. So we're looking for pleasure instead of looking at beauty in the moment. And what happens when the mind moves faster than the speed of light, then consciousness leaves the body travels. And Boehm also said, The undivided wholeness and flowing movement. To me that sounds somewhat like map consciousness, not just the words, but the actual felt sense of the truth of that. And he talks about the word formative. And I feel like human beings are formative and we can form language and be formative in our communication. And human consciousness has a relative stability and autonomy, which is the body. And he defines formative cause as an ordered and structured inner movement that is essential to what things are. And I feel like map consciousness in a way is a formative cause. It causes new language causes inside it causes reaching out, causes responsibility, action, new gestures. And this energy as it's doing that is changing the DNA. It's changing the muscles, it's changing everything, and it's forming new meaning. It's getting the body to see new meaning. And not claim to those meanings But see, meaning moment to moment, new meaning moment to moment.Just had a fortuitous event, somebody wants to lend me their car for a week. And I haven't driven in six weeks. One thing though, is being on extra Seroquel, that's not great. So maybe tonight, I will cut it down to half a Seroquel and one and a half trazadone. But now I feel like I need to do some planning of what I can do for the next week with a vehicle. So hopefully I can do some self dialogue, but also some embodied self dialogue and embodied mania. So how would I live for a week in California with a car Stay tuned. So that changes the landscape of things a little bit, as I will be able to further map the landscape around here. And it will be fun to drive because I do like driving. And I haven't in a while. And another thing too is that a bit of my story is going to be in the emerging proud book that is coming out in about six weeks. And it's safe to talk about it because it's not out yet. But it will be by the time I released this. And Katie asked for a two line blurb to the readers for hope and inspiration. And I wrote down our brains are resilient, neuro plastic and quantum with infinite capacity to learn, unfold and create. We've seen and touch possibilities yet to be made manifest. So hold these visions in your heart so that the minds of the many might be touched and see the possible world to. So I have a few notes on my computer. And I'm not planning to sit inside often to be able to read off my computer and talk about it. So I'll get right to it. I made up a word. I was thinking about how dialogue in a way is kind of like improv. But just a conversational improv in a way, whereas improv is more embodied. But I created the word die and prologue, which is a combination of dialogue and improv. And I wonder if that can be brought into embodied mania. So it's not just an improv and just playful, but there's some form of communion and dialogue happening at the same time, I feel it's possible to see people's possible selves. When I was able to look at people and see them light up and become their flamboyant animated version of themselves, their dye improv a log version of themselves. We are all there underneath the encasing of thought and societal structures. In a way this other language comes out of our eyes and heart, we can actually see that which we want to say from a new perception. And it seems life energy is turned into a thought, which has no basis in actuality, it's from the past. And perhaps because it has no basis. In reality, it can't really touch reality. So it has to turn back in on itself. And it's like this cycle keeps going because something is trying to meet reality but nothing ever does. If it's from thought, words can't meet life. So they go back in circles. And life energy created by life goes out to infinity and it actually changes the pattern of the hole ever so slightly, whereas thought is repetitious and doesn't change the hole. And it seems like thought as the me is false integration. The me Can't integrate into the hole because it has no relationship to the hole. So instead of integration we get repetition. The brain is being used as a repetition device, instead of actually integrating and creating can we approach life with beauty? flow is a flow of beauty. Can our gestures and actions move with the algorithm of beauty? Can each step we take be artful. And if we approach with beauty, the thing doesn't matter the thing we approach. What matters is that we approach with beauty and in that we have some relationship to it. And it seems like mob consciousness is an exercise in beauty, exercising us in the field of beauty, and exercising our beauty, muscle gestures, and our beauty neurology. I wonder if there's genes for this beauty? Can we reach out as beauty. So I don't like reading stuff. But when I write longer blurbs, kind of have to read it. So I think this is in response to what Dr. Daniel Siegel said, at the end of his neuroscience talk. On the neuroscience summit, he said something like we are nature. And I wrote to say we are nature, intellectually, without a felt sense of it. And sensitivity to it, is meaningless. And if we are to integrate nature, we must understand our relationship to it. If we have no direct understanding, it is not integrated in our brain. It's just a word, a concept, an abstraction. When the mind uses the brain to start integrating nature, the immensity can short circuit the brain circuitry. And this is exactly what is needed. To short circuit the me. When we get a glimpse of our relationship to the immensity, it starts a never ending unfolding of understanding of meaning of our relationship to nature. And as it this is eternity. So it's scary to fall out of eternity, and be involved back into the limitations of society. This impose limitation is a pressure on the brain. It's difficult not to go crazy. But as the understanding deepens, the immensity crowds out the me circuits in the brain. We just need enough money to take care of the body, the brain space and fluidity opens up. So this deepening understanding takes over the brain as perception. Now you see as the mind, interesting, I'm talking to myself. So now the brain is a relational organ, playing the music of relationship as that we can speak as the relationship to nature. And all of reality, then we don't need science as science is due to the separating ourselves from nature. With the way we use language, meeting nature and relationship with our preconceived notions of language structures, which divide us up from being indirect contact, the sound is the barrier. And the sound barrier we project prevents contact, contact and relationship with nature allows us to speak as that relationship as the moment. And I wonder about the math of this. Not that I know much about math, but I'm seeing a few variables that can go together to create something and I don't really know what that is yet, but see if something happens. Again, as a crazy person, I can pretend that my brain might be able to come up with some math stuff. It's possible or see willing possibility. I want to be defective in reference to this defective society, the mind installed a new value system, which has nothing to do with education and society. And I feel like beauty becomes the fuel. Beauty is the fuel. See willing possibility, beauty fuel. And I was reading David Baum's book, wholeness in the implicit order. And he talks about a word vida eight. I think it's five, eight, and I'll talk about it again later if I don't get this correct. But he was saying that it means to see and to understand at the same time to perceive and to understand, not just to see something, but to really understand and have a felt sense of have that thing like to understand and to see. And to have an insight is probably similar. So to have an insight is to understand something in a moment like, aha, Eureka. And so in the same way one could ask, see inciting possibility, does one see into the possibility of that insight, not just receiving it in terms of No, that doesn't agree with my belief systems, and my opinions that I've been told and sold and programmed to think about. And the cool thing about C as well as C in physics is the speed of light. So in the word C as an s, e, is also C, for light, and one needs to really see the light without the interference of previous sound structures, in order to have an insight. And so if I say, See inciting possibility, one might say, no see, and sounding and possibility. So that is admitting that one's internal sounds are getting in the way of seeing the insight that one is declaring as an insight is not coming from past knowledge, but it's actually something that is seen in the moment. And all that word stuff with the see inciting bit. All the bit extra. I just made up now. And I'm only saying that to say that new insights can come up, even though I have a bit of a list here of things that I wanted to talk about. And that's why I like writing down the small point form things. And not these big long things is because I can talk about things. And if I write down a big thing that I have to just read it and I don't like that. When I'm reading it, I'm sort of just reading it to read it, and usually not much else comes up into consciousness. And so we have beauty is the fuel. Beauty is the field. And I do feel in a way that my job is to harvest these insights, insights from Beauty, to give voice to the beauty that is all around as part of giving voice to the voiceless, which requires mirror neurons and empathy and silence. It seems like my brain can harvest insights and perceptions because it has a direct relationship with the mind with reality. And this is not anything special. It's how we're designed to be we're not designed to be programmed robots. Because this mind is something we all share. We use the brain in service of personal pleasure. But when we strip away all the personal stuff, we have the same brain in mind. And that's what Krishna Murty talks about is the human brain. If we were all of a sudden blank slates, we would just be the same human brain with the same kind of capabilities. And I was actually thinking today when I was thinking about how I've been, you know, struggling lately or something, and had to take the extra medication. But if I put it in the context of I am the world and the world has me while the world is struggling. So if I say I'm struggling, it makes it seem like my personal struggles, but the world is struggling. So even if it seems like I'm in a scenario where I shouldn't be struggling, then just to put it in a broader context because I feel like I've connected with that oneness where it's all one and felt so amazing and ecstatic. Well, one can feel anything in between when one is connected to the oneness. It's not all lollipops and cotton candy. So I'm going to try that a little bit when I'm struggling and kind of have the sense that the world is struggling and I'm picking up on it. And I haven't been struggling I just feel kind of drugged a little bit because I've been taking extra medication. And like I said, the main goal right now is to get to emotional CPR. So how do we translate this beauty? By giving voice To her by talking about it by talking as it by talking with it by looking at it by being with it, by smelling it by touching it by tasting it, by being in complete wonder of it, by understanding it wholly, partly. And I wrote down that one of my heart races like that when I'm falling asleep, it's like some sounds and thoughts are coming in to process. And it's scary because usually I'm not really connected up with that stuff. But I feel like sometimes some of it tries to filter through me like, like a drain almost. And map consciousness is vision correction, towards quantum vision and having a quantum brain, the quantum world already exists, scientists are just touching on it, but it actually exists as a state of existence as a state of the brain. Why don't we have access to that brain state is partially because the people who go into that brain state are pathologized, and accredited another word, instead of agreeing, which is sort of what you said, agrees with my opinions in my past programs, are seeing is seeing something that someone saying something new, and meeting that instead of judging and, and making opinions about it, as somebody is talking to us see, one has to be open, and say, I don't know and be willing to find out. And I think nature has some hands in it. For example, when there's a loud thunder, we can't hear ourselves think it's too loud. And also, it might scare us into not thinking for that moment. And in that moment, that a person isn't thinking, the moment before that there's often lightning, which is electrons and energy. So it's like nature sends all this energy down to the Earth's surface, and then has a loud sound that quiets the human mind for a moment. And even seeing the lightning can quiet the mind for a moment. And all the thinking energy and sound energy of people, if you were to add it all up and, and play that sound over a period of time, it would probably sound like a really, really loud thunder, if you took everybody's thoughts, which is 50,000 thoughts a day, all of that sound together, one person times two times 10 times a million, times a billion, it will be so loud. So in a way, the collective thinking of the moment is being erased with the thunder. And also we have to pay attention to nature. And we have to change our actions, because of nature, when we can be changing our actions because of nature, as in going towards the beauty of it. And another thing too, that I do for sure, is rely on the gestures of others, to remind me to do things. So I do things more visually. So somebody drinks water, I might drink water, too, because I'm not thinking Oh, I should drink water. But if I see someone else do it, I can mirror that. So I'm remember making a word for that. When I was in the state before I was even diagnosed, I called it a sea minder, because we've talked about reminding people of something. But somebody sometimes can do something that makes us reminded to do something, but it's really a C minor instead of someone say, don't forget to do this. And the importance of that is just acknowledging that we learn from others, we even somebody giving somebody, a smile can be a sea minder to remind us to actually smile at people. And so that's how the gestures spread, they spread by mirror neurons and see minders. And there's probably an epigenetic component to that too. And we could also say, I mirror you to say, I am copying you and I'm copying something good that you're doing or that I need to do to as a human being, it's a common thing. So it's part of the trust of the world that hints out there will remind us to do the things we need to do. And one day I'm hoping to maybe go completely calendar lis and just wander right now I have reminders in my calendar and stuff because otherwise I forget to do stuff. So I think I told the story about how when I was in the hospital that bad time I've seen this pattern of light for probably 15 years. And I've always kind of wondered about it, but I could see the pattern of light on the grass. And each time it lit up, there was an ant there, like the end came out of the light. But it made me realize that that light is the movement of life. It's sort of like the flower of life, possibly. And that is the algorithm of beauty. I saw more of that yesterday, it was really windy. And I also see this sort of fluorescent, green and purple everywhere. And it's really hard to explain with this weird pattern, and I don't see it all the time. But I can see it more in the dark. And it was dark outside, but I could still see the trees moving. And the way the lighting was the trees as they swayed in the wind. They disappeared into darkness. And then they came out of this darkness. And it was just so apparent to me that it's this pattern of emptiness that really holds the material. And it's impossible to explain. But it was just so fascinating to watch it seriously disappear, and re materialize. And it was actually supported by all these strings of purple and green light. I see the purple light more when it's dark in the green light more when it's white. And I've seen this all for like 14 years, which actually makes me feel like this whole process of the change of perception has been going on for a lot longer than even this whole mental illness diagnosis thing. So yeah, and there's this other thing that I see, these are all like, bits of the biology of perception behind perception that we usually can't see. But for some reason I had this thing happen where all of a sudden, I could see it. And it was before that chronic fatigue thing that I had. And I wrote down that thought is a type of dizziness of not looking at the now and giving voice to it. Language is not required most of the time. Maybe language was originally from Beauty originally had a rose from Beauty. And then somehow we managed to turn it ugly. So I might make another video I'm not sure. Tomorrow morning, I will plan some things to do with this car. So maybe I will have some other scenery besides the corner of my little room. And out looking for an eagle or Hawk feather. It was really windy last night, so I just had a feeling that I might find one. Like one would just magically blow somewhere. did find bear poop. This is baby bear. This is mama bear. And they found something else of interest. I don't know where it is. But I didn't find a feather. But I'm wondering if I will at some point. But I just wanted to make a quick video because this is definitely something a man could do is just be out for a walk and then divert to where one feels there might be an eagle feather or Hawk feather. I don't see that other thing. Oh, there it is. I think this looks like some kind of shoulder blade. Some kind of animal. thing that's cool about relaxed perception is that if it's in the field of vision and one isn't looking for that needle in the haystack, peripheral vision will pick it up. So one doesn't really have to try to look for anything. So we'll see how long it takes my brain to find it without trying to find it. Because I may not go out again, looking for it purposefully. Seems like it's sort of like setting. I don't want to say an intention, but maybe a possibility. intention sounds very willful or is possibility invites the participation of the whole universeIt's April Fool's Day. And last night, I was able to reduce the Seroquel by half. And I tried to do that several days ago and it didn't work, I had to take the other half. But this time, I fell asleep with half a Seroquel, one and a half trazadone and the usual lithium, I'm still doing the Hardy nutritionals and I'm feeling pretty good. still feeling a little slow and sluggish. But today, I actually got a lot done emails and things that I haven't really kept up on. So I felt very productive. And tomorrow, I will have access to a vehicle. So I'm actually going to have mobility and be able to go around I want to go to the hot springs and I really don't know what else I really don't like the bugs that come alive when I have my light on. So I'm going to keep this short and I realized that I've taken this much notes most of which I haven't talked about with myself yet. That's a lot pile up. But when I focus is going out and about staying well and getting to ecpr and then after that maybe focusing on eating a little bit healthier because I'm just eating a lot of carbs and not really putting much effort into my health. And I would talk to myself more right now but I really don't want all those bugs to come out. They come out. I don't know where they live but they just appear out of nowhere at nighttime when the light is on. And there might be those q ones with the wings on their head. But I still don't want them all over the place. Good night I'm here at the beach as a free bipolar person. Peter plane in San you can be free to if you believe in your magic powers and then the possibility of possibility and not just believe but the beauty and train. Let beauty animate you Is this a beautiful universe Talk to you later.So I haven't really been doing much self dialog lately, partly because I've been attempting to catch up on other things. But partly, I think it's because I'm still on a little bit of Seroquel. And I remember from last time how, even when I was on one half, I think I did a video at the park, where I was saying, I have no idea what to even say. And then that night, I didn't take any and then the next day, I felt very talkative again. So I'm still taking half of a Seroquel, which I have for the last three days. And I'll continue to take half for a few more days just to make sure that it doesn't come up again, because of how I'm in California, and also how I want to get ecpr. So I'd rather have a clear head at ecpr. But leading up to that if I can just get myself to sleep and all that stuff, then it's good. And when I go off the Seroquel, if I finish coming off of it, then that means that I was able to take it quick enough to stop it from happening. And there was only a two month space between the last one and this one. So hopefully it doesn't happen every two months. And there's a chance I could run out of trazadone because I'm taking more than I usually do. So there's a lot of different factors that would lead me to go home early, but it's looking like I'll get a CPR. And hopefully I'll get past mid May and hopefully I'll get to the end of July. Hopefully with this hardy nutritionals I'll be able to go off the trazadone because I have gone for long periods of time, not being on trazadone at all. And today I was feeling kind of tired. And I'm not sure if I'm starting to experience that. overmedication effect that the hearty nutritionals can do. And tomorrow will actually be the one year since I was hospitalized when it wasn't good. That was a year ago tomorrow. And then I was in there for 19 days. And in a step down for two weeks. So 33 days. So starting tomorrow, this time last year, I was in the scariest situation ever. And it's awesome that a year later, I'm in California, living my dream, stumbling a little bit but still doing it and having a good time. The most difficult thing really is having a routine of feeding myself because it's so beautiful that taking care of oneself is an afterthought. I kind of miss straightening my hair. And maybe that's it. And I'm kind of skipping all over the place in my notebook. Trying to go back to where I left off somewhat. And just talk about some of the stuff could be good to still talk about it even when I'm a little bit drugged. To even just show the difference between drugs self dialog and not drugged. So here it goes. I've been thinking about language a lot. But not really because I'm drugged out. So I've been thinking about much but seems like I was thinking about language and writing stuff down at some point and I feel Like our brains are cultured and raised on thought, in that we hear people, when we're developing speak about the me and the past, and the future. So we learn those language structures. And we're, we're cultured in that we're cultured in the language of me, by a bunch of me speaking about the me. And this is structured in language with subject, object verb. And I wonder if we can create a present moment language and be cultured in that, where we don't meet each other with our past. But we meet each other with what is present. And not just what's happening inside as, and that's what's present. But what is actually there in the moment. perception of the actual and in that way, we're not divided because we're meeting with what we all share, which is everything around us, except for our physical bodies. And I wonder if the brain wants to be present or not, because it seems like it's always running away with thought wanting to be somewhere else, and all that kind of stuff. But maybe it does that because we're not speaking as the present. So the me always wants to be somewhere else. But the me isn't, the brain is just this construct over the brain. Perhaps the brain actually wants to be present, but the me can't be. Because the me is sort of this foreign entity in the brain that warps it away from just seeing and being in speaking as the present moment. And I wonder if the brain is trying to create a culture of presence. And not just culture, as in society, but actually, presence is what is the true culture of the brain for the brain to grow. It needs to see and be in the present to actually grow and change neuro plastically. Otherwise, it's not really changing and quality at all. So something else grows when we're present. The brain wants to be whole, but it's the me that divides it up. And I think the language we speak inside is dopamine dopa me. And I think we speak dopamine, English, it's English, that gets us a hit of dopamine, the way we use our words, externally, the way we use our words, internally, we use that language to get dopamine is tied into the dopamine reflex. So it's English that produces dopamine. And I wonder if there's English, that produces oxytocin. And really, to share and feel connected, when in a way needs to be present. So part of that could be oxytocin. And it could be a reason why someone in my consciousness has a lot of oxytocin traits. And I think the brain is trying to actually create a state even beyond oxytocin, which is beauty. And I think I've seen that dimension somewhat. And I read the study related to that, and I can't really remember what it is when it made me think something about that. But anyway, I'll get back to that some other time. And I was thinking about how some people do a stream of consciousness writing where they just write and write and write and write and write. And don't think and in a way can we have a stream of conscious ness seeing where we just see and see it See, without thinking. And when we see in that way, it produces sound, different sound other than thinking and that sound might actually be something other than dopamine, English. So perception creates a different way of using English. Not in service of the me. And service of the moment. And can we look as the moment, which is not a seeking state, when we're looking as the me, then we're seeking we're seeking, we're looking for something when we're looking as the me. But when we look as the moment we are that which we were looking for, so we just look. And I was thinking about cameras and how cameras capture and translate beauty. And if there was an image already on the lens of the camera, it would actually interfere with it, taking a beautiful picture. And when we project images and sounds as our thoughts, it's in the way of our lens. And another part of the camera analogy is that the camera doesn't talk about itself, it just captures and translates beauty. And those pictures are worth 1000 words. So when we can see with clear perception and take a full video moment to moment of the totality. We can choose with each frame 1000 different words to say about it. So can we create a language of the moment culture instead of a language of thought and the me and the past? That's kind of like improv in a way because an improv you can't really just talk about the me You have to really play on the moment. One can only play in the moment, one can't play yesterday. So it's not really a fun game to always be talking about past stories and problems and things. So part of this language of the moment would definitely be play. I think mania is just the language of the moment. We're definitely very embodied in the moment through a lot of it. So where are the words are coming from or from a different place? Different Dimension in a way. And we speak different from that other dimension. And when we first get in contact with that in mind consciousness, we can sound rather silly because we say everything unfiltered. And we don't question how we use thought inside our head. It's always think better thoughts, more powerful thoughts? affirmations, we don't question thinking in our head at all. So there's language inside our head and is pre formed, going around in circles. And this pre forming is part of the programming. We've been programmed to pre form our words before we say them, but then they're always coming from that place in the past. And so we perform according to our conditioning, there's an undefined, narrator and speaker. And I feel like all emotions are of the past if we recognize them as fear. When we have the fearful emotion, there'll be something from the past giving us a reason to be afraid. And I feel like emotions have a holographic quality in that the emotional molecule actually stores the information of what it is that we're emoting about. So it's not just fear, but the reason that we should feel fear, the little story, the image, the past event. And I feel like this is kind of how emotions, put the brake on map consciousness and bring one back down. Because when one is in the mania side of things, it's very rich and ecstatic and fluxing and flowing. And then all of a sudden, an emotion comes in, and it's almost like a brake pedal, because before it was like this flow of different richness that is hard to define, and then as soon as it's like, fear from the past coming in, it almost grabs that energy of mania and pulls it down. So I feel like this could be the brake system from a person being in map consciousness for too long. So they're not able to maintain that state and turn it into a trade or a stage. And something short circuits and the emotions coming in like that as part of it. So in so called psychosis, there's a lot of fear. And if somebody was in a high state, and goes into fear, they're going to be in a low state quite quickly. So they're almost like, anchors, like you've gone too far into that state, or been too long into that state. And sort of burnt out energetically. And there could be things that we do in that state that lead us to also burn that out. And the emotion in the story when it comes in, like the fear the, or whatever it is, it's the me that tries to tether us back to the limited self. Again, putting the brakes on, it all of a sudden, reminds us who we were, when, in mania, we're sort of something totally different. And changing all the time. We're really with the moment and then the emotion comes in and sort of puts us not in just the moment, but in the whole context of our stored memories over time. That in mania, we forget about, and when we forget about them, we have all this energy. And then when they come back in, it pulls us down. And I'm not saying this is how it is or how it's bad for one and good for the other. I'm just saying it's interesting to think about. And I think emotions keep us separate from the world are helped to keep us separate, because it reinforces the me, which is a separative movement. And if we don't have that blocking us, we're sensitive and empathetic. And using our mirror neuron system, not our emotional system, our emotional system is chemical. And the chemicals come in and produce holograms as well. Whereas if we are just with our mirror neuron system, it's based on light, the light of perception, and sound as well, but actually receiving the whole impression of sound and light on our mirror and being able to make the calculation of responding adequately without thinking about it. It's a different calculation, you almost Watch yourself act, sort of like an emergency situation, when you see something, and you just act. You see what needs to be done right away, you just act. It's kind of like that. So the me and the emotions block the mirror neurons, because the emotions are chemicals and holograms, whereas the quantum mirror is just light of perception and sound coming in not inner sound blocking the sound coming in. And so it receives the whole quantum impression. And they're saying, the universe is quantum. Well, the fabric is quantum and we move as that fabric and with that fabric and change that fabric because we are the possibility makers. And I was thinking that the quantum is a psychoactive substance. And so it's perception. When we see clearly, it changes our brain, it changes our brain chemistry. Just like in mania, our perception is so clear, and we're so sensitive. And it's psychoactive. We're not taking anything but it's actually psychoactive it's acting on our brains to perceive so clearly an act, action and epigesturetics is psychoactive and it rewrites the DNA. So it's sort of Geno active as well. Seeing new renews the brain. And I think we who go into map consciousness, being valued and understood for our unique contribution that we're still waiting to be able to make would be psychoactive. for us and for the people that might listen, it would heal the way we're looked at. And the way a lot of people look at themselves. It will heal the way we look together and the way we speak together and it will heal A lot of things because people who go into mass consciousness do come back with a lot of meaning and perspective, more so than they might have ever realized because they've never been invited to think about it, or consider it, or it's dormant or atrophied because of lack of use. Like one has to use one's gifts when one gets acquainted with those gifts, so we don't use them, then they kind of shrivel up. But I feel like soft dialogue and context and meaning making and talking with each other might provide the hydration, the nutrition, the resonance, the energy to to reawaken these gifts that we have. The light that we have to meet coming out of other people's eyes, depletes us. And I think we need a quantum language, we need a lot of different ways to use language than just past present future. Me, you I, we they, there are so many more ways to, to think about language, whether it's speaking as the present moment, speaking as perception speaking, as quantum speaking as possibilities, or even a language for when two people realize that they can think together on things that they're actually not to separate minds and brains. And I think the way that we use words, actually creates mental illnesses, with the labeling, of course, but even just the way we use language throughout our lives, great separation and loneliness and division and competition and coercion and every form of thing that's against the human nervous system. It's a culture of words, as in the nutrition of the words is, is off. It's weakening us weakens our nervous system, and we're all repeating all of this and then we're not animating ourselves as our most beautiful selves, because we don't have that language of beauty as the nutrition running through our nervous systems and, and in the thoughts fear and soundscapes. And I feel like the me language, the current way language is used limits neuroplasticity, for sure. And it's reverberating through our nervous system and keeping us limited and we're not animated by the universe. And I think this is the major thing, the energies and going through our nerves properly. So one of the things would be to use language differently. And if we think we have a mental illness, then we stop thinking. We stopped wondering, and we were born to wonder. And I wonder if we can go beyond personal separative emotions to empathy and from molecules of emotion to the quantum mirror. an impersonal screen that calculates the lightened sound. So it's a light of perception state, not a material state. So the light and sound hits the mirror and we act, but we don't go through this intermediary state of emoting and thinkingSo last night I was sort of slowly and clumsily doing some self dialogue on older things I'd written down. And then when I was editing it, I often have things pop up in awareness that I want to write down. And then I noticed that some of it was getting a little bit tipping towards the hole going too far with extrapolations that scare my brain because they're sort of like prophecy or premonition, or I'm not sure what they are. But so then, after that, I was thinking to myself, I don't know, maybe I should just not do any self dialog until after ecpr. Because I don't want to freak my brain out. It's a week away, and I want to get there. And so I sort of settled with that and thinking that, well, if I do some, I'll just give a little bit of update of how I'm doing with taking the hearty nutritional supplement and things like that. And then today, I wrote down so much, and it wasn't anything scary. So I was thinking, well, maybe it would be good to actually do some self dialogue on the new stuff. And see how that feels. Because I think there's a bit more energy behind it when the context from which it was written is still kind of there. And I don't know if that's true, for sure. But I just thought, well, maybe I'll talk about some of these things I wrote down today. Even though I told myself, I wouldn't talk about anything, doesn't mean I can't write stuff down. But again, this process can also lead to freaking one's brain out a little bit. But I think that's part of extending the comfort zone of this whole process. Because when one is seeing possibilities, one can see scary possibilities, too. And I thought of a funny one, yesterday, and I wrote down that map consciousness is kind of like Nervous System cleaning. It's cleaning out all the thought structures and programs, or maybe not all of them, but some of them. And so just like one one queens ones colon and does an enema or something, he might look in the toilet. And notice that there are some pretty nasty looking stuff there. And in the same way, my consciousness is cleansing out these old bad structures and holograms that when they're cleansed out of the nervous system, we have to look at them, unfortunately, and they can sort of really scare us in a way because we're looking at them and, and what the mind is imagining feels like it's happening. So it's almost like there's this thought plaque matrix that needs to be cleaned out of the nervous system. And this thought plaque matrix of sound, in a way, is a plaque around the brain cells. And just like the colon can have a mucoid plaque of accumulated stuff. throughout life, it seems like the brain cells can accumulate thoughts and holograms and things that no longer serve us to actually absorb the proper nutrition of light perception of the moment. It's, we're not really hydrating with these new perceptions, because all the old stuff is encasing all the brain cells. And it's like this thought sound vibrations around the brain cells in the brain cells can't respond to new light, sound information. And then, in responding actually create appropriate action and response due to the correct impression. But the scary thing I wrote and I wrote a little Yikes. And I remember last time, when I started to have to take a Seroquel a couple of weeks ago, the video before my brain wouldn't fall asleep. I was saying, Oh, I thought of this scary thing, but it didn't scare me. But I still my brain got scared the next night. So I don't know if talking about this will be bad. I just don't want to scare my brain seems so sensitive. Like it just wants to sit with beautiful things. So to talk about things that aren't beauty gets a little bit scared and wants to run away from that. I was thinking about how we've been programmed to pre form our words, preform our sentences before we say them and while people are talking So we're programmed, and they're not even our words, they're coming from this collective matrix of sound scapes and sound programs that we've collected over time to respond, or react as our knee structure. So it's a bunch of recordings. And then I was thinking about how in science, they say, stuff happens in our brain. Before we do it, and before we're even conscious that we're going to do it. So something happens in the brain. And then we think that we're going to do that thing. So we think we thought the thing, and then that's why we did it. But it already happened in the brain before we were consciously aware that we thought it. So they're saying, like, Is there a free will. But so in a way, the program is responding for us. And it's using our brain and our neurology to respond. And it's already created the response before we know it, and we think that we thought it, but we're being thinked, our brains are being used. Science thinks it's this interesting phenomenon. But really, our brains are being used by these programs. And we're speaking as these programs. So again, it's more like language viruses. And so when we go beyond the program, and map consciousness, we can see these programs. And I feel like when we go beyond the programs, and we're living in beauty, and spontaneity, and all these other rich human dimensions, when we start to fall out of that, because we lose the energy of that. It's one of the ways that we react so violently, to, again, being dipped into thought, is that when we're in those clear spaces of perception, and everything's beautiful, we're very vulnerable and sensitive, and we're acting in the moment based on the beauty that we're perceiving. But when we start to run out of that energy of beauty, and we start to see the ugliness, we react very violently to this ugliness that society has created. So there's some beauty and when we're walking in so called mania, we're sort of seeing that and augmenting that. And it's creating the perception of that is creating new brain cells for that. So that's the blueprint. But it loses steam, I think partially because it's something that needs to be walked out with other people, is not something that is supposed to be a personal phenomenon, it's actually the opposite of that. But if one is only in it by oneself, at some point, it's bound to become something that seems personal. So I think there's definitely an importance in not making it personal. And one way to do that is to be there with someone else. And I was actually thinking today, it would be cool to create a house and live with people who can access this and actually live in a different way, and support each other in this non individualism and not allowing each other to make it into this personal energy and this personal thing, because it's, it's not and I think, going into it alone, is has a higher chance of making it personal. And I don't know if that's true, per se. I don't think that's true for everybody. I think some people manage to go through it and, and sort of a Biden an enlightened state. But I think for people who go on to map consciousness, and then are labeled as mental illness, to go back there safely, we might need each other somewhat. And I don't know if that's true, but it could be another experiment to create a house where people live together like that. Not necessarily a healing house, but just a living house. Do you want to create a respite center, but that would be a little bit different, maybe. So it just kind of freaked out my brain to really see holy crap. Like, we're basically just picking from this pool of recordings. And it's coming up as a reaction. Before we even know it, and it's like living through us. And no wonder after coming down from that consciousness, we're so in opposition to that because it's so fake. I feel like we get triggered out of mania by things that remind us of me. Or things that kind of hurt or past traumas or people being traumatized. And eventually, that vulnerability that is seeing the beauty in acting in the moment is turned back into some of one of the levels of thought, and it's usually not a good one, because the person is very vulnerable, and so can be pushed down to the lowest places in society, because they have no protection of this ego structure. And that's why I feel a family can be a trigger for this too, because family thinks that they know who we are. And when our brain mutates, and we're not really that same me, they can almost cause the mutation to reverse and go back to who we were before. And, and we don't want to go back to that. And then we act out in ways or whatever you want to call it. And then it's seen as symptoms of a mental illness, but really staying at the level of the means a mental illness and, and trying to transcend it with all the pressures of societies is, is a challenge. And that's why I think that it could be helpful to have more people supporting each other to keep these societal structures at bay. So in mania, so called mania brain, the state of seeing and acting, and it can take us on quite a journey and quite a tangent in relationship to one's current trajectory of life. And one can go on a tangent and then go 180 degrees the other way and perpendicular and all over the place. There's no reference to I should be doing this. And it's this time, so I should be doing that which is all functional societal programming, which has a certain place for sure. But with all that extra energy, one totally ignores those things. So we're seeing an acting in mania. And it also happens in so called psychosis, seeing and acting. And one when it goes back to the level of thought and sees the danger of any kind of thought structure, one acts and it is according to that level, which is usually fear, or anger, or all these different levels of the emotions. Actually, if you look at Dr. David Hawkins, scale of consciousness, all these lower levels, below the level of 200 are sort of the emotional reactions that can happen. And that's the level of consciousness. Whereas at the higher levels, then one acts in a different way. So I feel like mania is above the dimension of thought. It's like having one's head above the clouds, and then one dips back into thought, one is seeing seeing an acting, but based on scary stuff, all the thought structures are scary. And one sees when one goes above the level of thought, and dips back in, one sees everything as an emergency. Because above the level in mania, one seeing an acting, seeing and acting, and when we're in an emergency situation, a regular cautiousness person definitely goes into seeing an acting, but one is in seeing and acting when one is in map consciousness. So when one is in the level of thoughts in map consciousness, one sees the emergency of that, and people can see a prophesize where it's going to head if people keep operating at the level of thought. And it's absolutely terrifying and, and one's brain in a higher energy state, then in the level of thought, can extrapolate and associate all kinds of possibilities from this big matrix of thought structures. When one goes up to the level of mania and comes back down, one sees that the current level of society is an emergency situation. And that's where I don't want my brain to go right now. And I was thinking, I'm wondering if ecpr will be a psychoactive substance, that level of compassion that has healed me when that person came to me in the psych ward and, and just listened and with her energy. I think that space is one of the biggest healers and love and compassion are psychoactive substances, or psychoactive energies. And then another freaky thing thing I thought of was, what if language was a privilege. And if it was used wrongly, it could be taken away. Just like law, if you break the law, then someone might be punished. And this isn't even in terms of actual reward and punishment, it's just do we really have freedom of speech or freedom to use language however we want, and how we've used it, has created a lot of suffering and everything. And to me, it's just interesting that now it seems like language is a privilege, or not everybody is able to acquire language. So there's something to this whole, what are we doing with language? And and what is that doing to us, and what does that doing to the next generation, we have to think about humanity as a being as a totality together, not all these separate individuals. And we're actually weakened by the way we use language, the me and, and success and worry and stress, we're actually using language to weaken us. What's really destroying us is language and how we use that against ourselves and each other. And I think language and words could be seen as nutrition. And we need so much more nutrition to balance off all the stress we impose upon ourselves through these programs. And, and they've been imposed upon us through how we're raised and educated and, and the value systems were given and unwritten, over the natural value systems that are innate in our nervous system if it wasn't overwritten. And there's a current of language, there's a language scape. And I feel there's a wellspring of insight that can be given voice to in the moment. And this is a different way to use language, and to allow language to flow through us. So it's a current of insight language, which is something new. It's new in the moment without accumulating, and we become a voice of insight, which is wisdom in a way. And when this wisdom and insights which happens in the brain at first, it's kind of nonsensical, but it can be pruned. It's almost like an explosion of learning every second. And we need to prune our brain, every second, not just, oh, I grew up, I developed I prune my brain, I filled my brain with knowledge. And that

Last night, I again took to Seroquel to go to sleep. And I didn't go to sleep until like one o'clock because I was up editing all the videos I made when I was totally dulled out. Yet somehow I managed to make five videos. And then when I was editing, I took notes. I thought I would just be dull and be able to just edit things and not really see anything else that I wanted to say. But that didn't happen to be true. So maybe my body's adapting to being dulled out a little bit, I don't know. So it's interesting, since I was able to prevent this from going into any full blown crisis, which I'll never know if it was going to. But I stopped it earlier than last time. Unless this was just a warning sign, and then there's bigger and worse stuff to come. I don't know, I hope that's not the case. So hopefully, I've gotten to a point where I can modulate this and regulate this experience of this process happening. And I feel like if I was able to be supported through it, I might be able to just have my consciousness die back and then come out of it. Okay, but I can't really chance that right now. Maybe that would be a cool thing to make videos about. In the future when I have a supported environment, if possible. It might be kind of scary, but it would be interesting in a way to see what it's like when consciousness dies into itself. And sometimes I get this sense that this happens, because I was supposed to die years ago, and I sort of escaped death. I'm not sure how it works. That's not something I want to consider thinking about right now. And two days ago, I forgot to mention that it was nine months of self dialog. And also, it was the 200th video on that list of videos. So 200 videos in nine months. Right now, where am I at? I'm just really feeling like I want to get to emotional CPR, I booked a hotel room I booked a rental car. And I'm having this sense that it's one of those things where I get to the upper limit of how far I can go. And and then have to sort of start again. And I'm kind of realizing what I'm saying that that I'm not sure what that AI is trying to accomplish. Maybe the I can only go so far. And then the rest is up to something else. Or consciousness goes that far and then has to come back and start again, like dying a number of times in life. It's like wiping the brain clean. But then there is some sense of memory of self. And it might not even be stored in the brain. It might just be stored in the body or stored as knowing that there's some kind of recognition of who one is. I don't even know where to begin in terms of talking about my notes. I took 25 pages of notes between last night and today. And it's strange because often, when I have an insight into something, it feels like wow. Not like that's it or anything. But it just keeps going. It just keeps going and going and going. Like I could talk to myself, forever. And I was listening to an interview, or a talk with Dr. Daniel Siegel today on a neuroscience online summit. And it was very fascinating talk. I really like his work. And I made a bunch of notes and extrapolations that I want to talk about. But one thing he said at the end of the interview was that we are nature and we are each other. So I always find it fascinating when people say these things. That is something, someone who is in so called mania or psychosis might say, and they're saying it from an actual felt sense. experience that they're touching and tasting in that moment. Yet, if that person is different than usual, and having other traits of certain so called symptoms, then they're called mentally ill and really to, to me, it seems like their mind and their brain is touching something beyond. And people will say those things intellectually. And they're saying them based on maybe physics or, or different scientific theories that Oh, yes, there's this oneness, or maybe they've, or maybe they've had a tiny taste of it. But some of us have been immersed in it. And since we're not used to that mode of operating, it can't last as it is right now. And then when we come back, we're like fried. And instead of being cared for, we're called mentally ill. And it's just a bit bothersome that. All these amazing researchers aren't quite piecing this together. And a lot of times, I think it's because they've never been there. They're researching this state. And these places, and these physiological things, and neuroplasticity, and all these things. But they've never been in that state where all cylinders are firing in all areas at the same time. And, and what that's like, and I just want to say, for the sake, talking to myself sake, that he was mentioning stuff about integration and how integration is linking the differentiated areas of say, the brain, and how people in bipolar disorder. They're having a problem with those linkages. And so they're not integrated, and they're not integrating. And I would say that there's something more to that. And I don't know for sure, but I have the sense that if the brain is catapulted into a different dimension, one that is based on oneness, and all these other principles and laws of life that we don't operate on, on a daily basis. If that consciousness is a consciousness of we and I'm not separate, and I don't feel myself separate at all, then to me, it makes sense that that brain would become disintegrated in terms of the me and the separate self. So the current supposedly integrated state of the brain is of this self sufficient individual ego and that's the vantage point. So if somebody goes into this world of oneness, and synchronicity the brain is trying to integrate into something else. And it fails when it comes back down. And then people have regular consciousness say, oh, you're, you're bipolar or you're schizophrenic or something. The brain doesn't want to integrate into this society. The current integration and healthy brain is healthy in the context of this unhealthy society. So to me, what he's saying with that doesn't quite make sense. I think that if one of those supposed disintegrated brains, was invited into dialogue, and to actually share their perspective of what it's like to go to that other world, to have that brain state, then in talking with people who haven't been there, there might be some common ground. And there'll be an integration between people that have been there and people who haven't. And that would bridge both brains to be able to integrate up to a different level of seeing and being that isn't necessarily completely all the other world. But it's not just this one. And people would love to have those conversations, but any of those conversations are always being received as this is pathological. Yet, an integrated brain in this current level of consciousness, or a somewhat a little bit higher can say, oh, we're one and we're one with nature? Well, we sure are. And I've felt that and I've been that. And maybe back here, when the brain comes back here, it's blown apart in disappointment, that other people can't see it and feel it too. And be there too, with that person. So the brain has to come back here and it basically falls apart. And then it's all recovery back into integrating into this crummy society. So there's a little bit something missing there. And he mentioned that some researchers found that things like bipolar and schizophrenia, demonstrated impaired integration. And I think that when we go into map consciousness, and transconsciousness, our brain goes into a state of integrating with the whole as the whole. So we're integrating nature. We're actually becoming one with nature, and we are one with nature. And to be one with nature. The current integration circuits have to disintegrate. So I feel like we have a brain state that is integrated when it's in that level of consciousness. But we'll never be measured when we're in those levels of consciousness. Because how can a person who's not in that level of consciousness even see what's happening there? And he also said, What's important is that every mechanism of regulation that we could look for, we couldn't find a single piece of evidence to go against the following statement, that neural integration is the essential mechanism beneath the regulation of anything we could look for. And I wonder, what about what you can't look for. And I do agree that neural integration is key. But what I'm wondering is that, in that state of say, so called mania, something else is being integrated beyond. So somebody is in a very high state hyper learning, very active doing things and like a kid again, that's changing the brain in lots of ways, and then when we come back to regular consciousness, the brain seems disintegrated. Well, it's actually just become non adaptive to the current structure of society, which is actually the point of map consciousness to see a better world that's existing right now, which is a different brain, state and brain traits. And we could have those brain states and traits if they weren't received as crazy. It's difficult to put into words the flavor of what I'm feeling about that. It's like going to this other state Southern world and knowing that one's brain is now adapted for that world. And when it comes back to this world, it's difficult to operate. It's like walking in poison. So why would the brain want to reintegrate into this poison world and being okay with it, because it's not okay in comparison with what we've seen. So our brain has gone beyond integration. It's disintegrated to the me. And everything in recovery is to get this me back and functional and integrated. To move about as an individual and society, well, maybe there's a higher level of organization. And I've been there. But it seems that the brain is not quite completely adapted to that world. And it's definitely not wanting to reintegrate into this world. So it's in this mode of balancing between the two. And we go up to the other world, just enough to allow the mind to create that world through us. And we come down to this world, just enough to let the mind continue to create this world, this crappy world that we all share. Because if the brains really went up to that other world, the lower world would fall apart. So really, were the links to this other world. We've already seen, and it's one already, not intellectually, but actually. So we're, in a way, the neuro plastic humans that are reaching into that other world with our brains, and it's pulling us up there. But we fall back down and we need some compassion, not being said that we're defective, and we can't integrate. We're holding the two worlds together. Because if it gets to a point, where the mind no longer wants to hold the two worlds together, the so called integrated world of people walking around feeling like they're separate, is going to implode. It doesn't take much to disintegrate and a supposedly integrated mind, just like was mentioned with the open system and then nonlinear and the tendency towards chaos. Well, that's what happens to people who go into altered states like mania and psychosis. The only difference is that when that happens, on a mass scale, people who have already gone there will be used to it. And then all the so called integrated people won't be so in my mind, the integrated people need to learn from these so called dysfunctional disintegrated people. They're dysfunctional because they're half walking in a world of oneness. And they're tripping over this crappy society. And yes, we are nature. And when we destroyed too much of the differentiated, complex nature that holds everything together, it will release a terror of thoughts so awful, that we won't know what hit us. Because we're destroying nature's complexity, and diversity. I shouldn't say stuff like this, but I can see how easily it would happen. Thought is supposed to be a helpful tool for human beings to share energy and information flow, to create, to celebrate and to preserve complexity and diversity of the Gaia sphere. Not just humans. But now we've used it to own things and create these means the separate me's. And these means that want to cling and accumulate things while people starve, and diversity gets destroyed. And we wonder why kids are being born with brains that can't integrate any of this shit, because none of it's worth integrating. And we've hit a critical point where the diversity of nature has been destroyed too much to the point where now, unfortunately, consciousness can even enter the human body properly. The energy and information flow of thought and knowledge can enter the human brain, our most prized possession, now children can't even absorb it. So what value is it? So if the mind uses the brain to create itself, the mind sees through the brain and sees through the eyes. And it doesn't like what it sees. It's trying to get humans to see things beyond just the me and personal thought complexes. The mind sees what's happening to the whole mind, to the whole manifest mind, the unmanifest mind sees the manifest mind and modifies the body to gesture in a different way to act upon the mind to regulate it. The brain must disintegrate from the me in order to integrate nature and relationship. If one doesn't become a nature mystic, seeing the beauty and value of nature, he will attempt suicide. Well, I think that's enough angry messages for one day. I don't need to get myself all worked up. But it's okay. Because I can just poison my brain into being some semblance of myself or so integrated into the world of thought of me my knowledge, my there's my that. We don't know there's another faculty of the brain beyond that, which is intelligence. Thought is the intellect but it's not intelligence, and intelligence integrate something else. And maybe intelligence is what disintegrates. The so called normal integration of the brain that is actually just neurotic. We're disintegrated from nature. And if the mind uses the brain to create itself, it's going to use thought to destroy the me. And the me is just thought. But the trouble is that when thought tries to destroy the me and one is strongly tied to that, when might think that they need to end their life. And I think map consciousness is the energy of integrating the mind. And people who go into map consciousness need to be supported to integrate the mind. And one way we can help integrate the mind is to talk about experiences of the mind. And he talked about a definition of energy. He said, the movement from possibility to actuality through a series of probabilities. And I wrote down that's what mania is. Everything feels possible and that becomes actual through a series of probabilities. But the trouble is that when one is in that state of possibility, and moving it into actuality, as time goes on, the probability increases that one will be called insane. Because a person in that state appears crazy to the mechanical mind. So there needs to be some kind of dialogue with mechanical minds to understand this life, process of the mind, and let it know that it's not pathological, and that it needs to be supported. Because it's actually an integration beyond the current integration. But it's being held back by the current level of integration that thinks that it's healthy. That other world is moved by love and how do we increase the probability of getting to that world moved by love and not by thought? Where we move with the world as the world and not as an abstractionAnd then Dr. Daniel Siegel, who I think is a genius, but has never been in the map conscious state. In a way, I guess I would like to integrate, and link. I respect everything he's graded. But I would like to create a differentiation and linkage to include other perspectives of so called bipolar and schizophrenia as just mental illnesses. When I feel like we have gone beyond even what he has created in his research, and then when we come back, it's like a burnt out light bulb with sort of fried our circuits, but and he said, that knowing of consciousness may come when the energy position is in this plane of possibility. So I feel like he's saying awarenesses and possibility, well, that's what happens in map consciousness, we are very aware of possibility and that so much as possible, it's a shift from thought to possibility. And then he said, in the plane of possibility, you reach down into infinity, time disappears. And it's a state that's basically the same for all of us, which is like oneness. And really, with what he's saying, he could have a label of a mental illness. Yet, because he's a researcher, he can get away with it. But if somebody else came and said those things and said, I actually experienced that, then they'd likely just get a label of a mental illness. So I just find it very contradictory to say certain things intellectually, you have people who are saying it experientially, are getting labeled. And it makes sense that if somebody goes into that state, or time disappears, it feels infinite. There's possibilities, there synchronicity, the brain is going to change. And maybe it changes to such an extent that when it comes back down from the state, it's disintegrated. It's like putting 100 watts through a 50 watt bulb. And he talks about practicing states to become traits. And I think I talked about that before. And it's the same with mania. One can practice the manic state, even if they're not in that state for those gestures to become traits. And then, when it's actually tied into the neurology of the body in the brain, then one can handle that energy when it comes back again. And he mentioned how Einstein said that the self is an optical delusion of consciousness. Well, that's definitely so. But I've been to the place where it's not an optical delusion, that the self is an optical delusion, it's experienced that there is no self. Actually, I think that when a person goes there, their brain totally changes. And then when they come back from that state, when their brain sort of loses the energy and isn't able to maintain that state anymore, because it's not practiced. It's something new. Then when one comes back, one doesn't really speak the language in the way that it's spoken here, and then they sound odd. And then, because they're not talking properly, they are diagnosed with something. And then he said, other people are us. The planet is an extension of our body. Now, that all sounds very psychotic to me, yet, I know what he's saying is true. Because I've felt it. I feel like if he was to take a group of people labeled with bipolar and say, all these fascinating statements, people would say, yeah, so that's Yeah, that's true. yet nobody will listen to the suppose of crazy people and they say stuff like that. I think crazy people could come up with a lot of interesting stuff that wouldn't take 20 years of research. Because when we're in that state of oneness, we are the researcher, we can just see it with our own eyes. So really, people who go into those ultra states and get labeled are actually researchers of the mind, the mind sent us to that other dimension to see it an experience and feel it and bring that information back. And those insights back, but those insights are called symptoms. Or how we feel when we're being re acclimated to this linear and logical reality that we supposedly live in here. We're supposed to be helping them, because they exist in the level of thought, and we went into the mind and intelligence. But we keep quiet, because that's the compassionate thing to do. And he said, Be an integrator find chaos and rigidity. And there's a lot of that defined in the mental health system. So maybe I'm a mental health integrator. And he mentioned that we're telling kids a lethal lie, that the self is a separate thing. And yet, the same kids who bought that lie, who somehow 15 or 20, or 25 years later, see that it was a lie, and go into the no self state, are pulled back to themselves, by society in the mental health system. So there's those of us who do see through the lie. But then we're given another lie that were mentally ill for seeing it. And he mentioned an example of right and left brain not being integrated. And he said, why not give people an opportunity to see their living with half a brain. And I feel like people who go into map consciousness can help. Other people see that they're not living with their whole brain and their intelligence, and their wakefulness activated, we're not living with our full potential of our brain. Nevermind this half brain, left, right. And all these other ways to integrate the brain. I feel like the mind can integrate the brain in a second. It can push the brain into that other world. And I feel like mania is a journey into being more integrated with go along this path that the mind pushes us along, and we become more and more not the me. And when we become not me, and we have no protection of the me, we rely on other people and the world. When that happens, relying on people and the world, with the world as it is, one can't last in that state. So when does get collapsed back into an ego, the protection goes back up. And when it does, it's really scary. It feels like death, it feels like dying from that innocence of not having this me self, to having that reinstalled painfully. So look outward, have insight and be born into the real world. And I wonder if we can strengthen the manic circuits, the manic sense areas of the brain, I feel like that functionality is something beyond anything that has been really defined. And it's probably undefinable. And as soon as one tries to define it, it's gone. Because the one that tries to define something is defined and how can the defined define the undefinable It's impossible. And I've been thinking about science and how the gold standard is really to repeat an experiment and have it verified by other people are so obsessed with repetition and memory and, and, and proving and stuff. When, if we drop that what is there there's an ever changing flux and flow of a perception. And when it's clear, and not muddied by the second guessing and wanting repetition and proof of something that can never be repeated. Then there's just living I feel like we all have our brain trained in terms of science, like, we have this objective observation. And that we can repeat things. But by thinking that way, it makes it seem like there is objective observation. And that things can be repeated. So we're actually confirming that by setting up science that way, when if we didn't think that way. Maybe it wouldn't be true. All right, what I'm trying to say, in a way is that we're so muddied up with so many things that we think we need to verify and repeat things, for it to be true. But if we were truly clear, and one and connected with intelligence, we would see it with our own eyes. We wouldn't have to look elsewhere for verification of something. We would live in possibilities. We would live as energy and possibility not wanting to confirm stuff for what are more obsessed with repetition, then just rhythm. When we can see rhythm and relationship, then we flow with it, we don't mechanically repeat stuff. But turned ourselves into robots of thought, and we're trying to break out of that the mind is trying to break us out of that. We're in this invisible cage of sounds reverberating through our nervous system and controlling us when we think that because we can sort of steer a little bit with thought that we're living. And somebody asked a question about, he had nine levels of integration. And the last one was kindness. And they said, if you just do kindness, won't it sort of integrate all those lower levels? Something towards that effect? And he said, Yes. And I was thinking about how in mania, we're very altruistic and kind. And I think the traits of mania integrate the brain in so many ways, without having to practice it becomes part of daily life. And daily life integrates the brain, through the gestures, and all those things that I've talked about. thinking there's a me there that's going to be integrating stuff is counterproductive. Because, above all, that there's the no self, state. So why reinforce this meeting? There could be some value, but I think it's just limited. And I think actually, the real integration is, with a lot of the manic traits of wanting to dance and saying and being spontaneous without trying is just how one is one celebrating like we did as children. And that's the really integrated state that's not mechanical, it's living. The integration is trying to break down the mechanical illness. So being playful, and the manic traits I think, would integrate beyond, and he mentioned the word neural perception. So I made up a word, my perception, which is mmap map perception Which is mind action potential or mind action possibilities. The mind has a certain action potential, it potentially ate certain actions and gestures and playfulness that is something way beyond practice. There's no one there to practice is just is just your state. And in Ken Wilber terms it would be about making that state a stage. And that's why embodying one's mania is important. Again, our brains aren't integrating because it integrated into something else. All of those structures in the brain that integrate memory or integrate this or integrate that they're all structures of a me they're all structures of a scarred human being. kids aren't born with those all filled up with memories and junk. And when one is in mania, one doesn't need that information. And so it just blows apart. And then we come back from that state and we're not allowed to talk about it. We'd love to talk about all of our experiences if we weren't being looked at with the pathological lens. And the only way for a brain that is disintegrated from returning from mob consciousness, to integrate is unconditional love and not judgment, because unconditional love and oneness is what the brain is now attuned to. So people regular consciousness people can show that and be that then allows the brain that safety, to share what it needs to share in order to have dialogue with regular consciousness people in order to allow them to see that other world that all their years of science is a very slow process compared to what would happen if people just listened to people gone there. And listening to people who have gone there is no rocket science. Just takes listening and care and attention.So I just got my bottle of hearty nutritional supplements in the mail. And it's a really big bottle. And I'm just about to take the first one, it's evening time. And the first three doses, you just take one and then the next day, you take two and blah, blah, blah, up to four at a time, three times a day. And they were saying that in about three weeks, I might need to reduce some medication, but it varies depending on the person. So I need to watch out for side effects of medication because the stuff could make me have side effects as the medications become unnecessary. And I was really hoping to do this at home when I was back home, but I'm experiencing things and I'm slowing it down with extra medication. Last night, I took to Seroquel. And I was laying there for a while. And I couldn't quite fall asleep. And interestingly enough, I felt this energy kind of at my root chakra area. And it felt like it was kind of swirling around. And I had this sense that it was that Kundalini energy they talk about. And it just started moving around. And I thought to myself, Oh, no, you don't like not now. And so I took another Seroquel. So I have a feeling that since the process this time didn't really start and then get medicated, it just sort of barely got initiated. And I took medication knowing that I don't want it to go into full force. But it feels like it's still wanting to go to some kind of peak, but I'm not letting it. And I'm not sure what the result will be. Because I don't feel kind of like last time and other times I've gone to the hospital where it's basically gone into full blown, whatever you want to call it. Crisis distress, so called psychosis, whatever, PTSD. But this time I stopped it. So in a way, it's good. It's like a next step where I haven't let it get out of hand, I've put the handle on it. But in a way, when it gets out of hand, it sort of comes to a peak and then plateaus and then drops off. But I feel like I'm in the space where I'm preventing the peak. And I've never really been there before, except for maybe preventing little peaks, building up to the big peak where, basically I guess what happens is I lose control. And not that I'm out of control, because I'm actually in control. But there's an element inside, whether it's scary stuff inside that I'm not in control of and it's just sort of there and running its course and it's terrifying. And I just don't want to get into that absolutely terrified state. But in a way, I feel like if I keep just stopping it, I'm gonna have to continue to drag myself. But maybe with the help of these supplements, I won't need to do that. So again, even though I've experienced crisis five times this one is somewhat different. And again, I thought that I would have a good five and a half to six months before anything started. So here I am, in California, in the exact scenario that my family was afraid of, and I didn't think would happen. But luckily I can keep myself safe. I haven't really told anyone and there's no one really to tell too much too. But I've told one of my friends back home and they are prepared to come and escort me home. But I really want I get to ecpr. In April, I booked a hotel for one night to go to the class. And I just really want to get a sense of if it's going to be helpful. And it's interesting because I found myself in a situation where I really wish I was surrounded by people who know this emotional CPR. And and I wish I just wish I could let go of this energy. And let it do what it needs to do. I feel like this time, I almost wish I could just go into that terrifying this and, and because once it starts, then it comes to an end after a couple of days, and then I'm okay. But this time I seem to have stopped it from happening. And now I know it's still there. It's not like, Okay, got to the worst point. And now it's only gonna get better. I'm just afraid that it's still gonna come out. And that, I guess I'll have to go through it somewhat alone. And interestingly enough, after my last crisis that I got through without my family and community, so wonderfully, I said, Maybe next time, I'll just do it by myself and not tell anyone. And now I'm in the situation where I might end up having to do that. So I've been wearing my heart rate monitor. And I'll wear it to sleep to see if my heart rate speeds up, because that's what happens. And I'm not really afraid of it for myself, I'm just afraid of it for the situation that I'm in. And I I did sort of say to myself that if there was any sign of anything, I would make my way home right away. And so even in staying here, these two more days, so far I've gone against that, that just don't want to I don't really want to cut it short. So I really I'm just so hopeful that this supplement helps me because if it doesn't, I might just have to go home or continue to really drag myself with Seroquel. Which is fine, but it's difficult to get through the day. And again, it feels like I'm trying to stop the thing from happening versus just get through the fallout. And it feels kind of scary because of that. So I guess if I can get through the next couple of weeks and go to ecpr if I have to go home after that, I guess I have to but the thing is too is that I could allow myself to go into that state and just get over it and take a week to get over it. And then just continue on. I just feels like Time is running out. Like I'm trying to hold myself up against a force that I'm not sure what it is and I just really hope this stuff helps. And I was always thinking that it would be cool to document coming off medications. But I didn't know I'd be forced into a scenario of doing it. Of a sort of desperation and I have my and I have my zap strap kit I've been carrying with me with extra Seroquel and that way I can always Secure myself to something. And I have my medical ID bracelet that I'm wearing. And I just really hope this doesn't turn into one of those stories that I end up not making it. And then my videos are discovered. And then people are like, wow, too bad we didn't have more helpful services for people to get through this stuff. I really want to get through it and be able to help people because the medications are helpful, but they're also not helpful. There's like the tiniest little caterpillar I've ever seen. See it. I was thinking today if there was just going from looking at hummingbirds to looking at the next thing to the next thing. Infinite delights outwardly, we'd never have this experience of inward anything. Like the tiny caterpillar. I didn't know. I didn't know caterpillars could be that small. Today is a hummingbird really close he was flying and drinking out of all the little flowers. There's so much beauty. I feel like I need to practice some of the things I've talked about, like posture and things like that, to make sure that I don't get crushed by this. Gonna go so I'm gonna take one of these pills. And, and that's the thing I get so confused. I forgot I could take more trazadone instead of more Seroquel. And so tonight, I'm going to take more trazadone to try and get a good sleep and keep this energy at bay. And I was even thinking that I wish that I could have a retreat with Shawn Blackwell because I think after the Kundalini thing happens, there's holotropic breathwork that happens naturally. I actually remember that sort of what happened the very first time it was like this energy that made me pretty much collapse and just lay there and breathe. And it's kind of a scary process to lay there and breathe like that. So bottoms up good documentation. It does work. feel better already. He's getting stuck in my knuckle here. thinks it's one of his friends. Do you feel Caterpillar I see you were so tiny Okay from my buddy tiny Caterpillar in his natural environmentSo I found a quiet batch here, out in nature, somewhat protected from the wind. And I've been meaning to do a bunch of self dialogue, because I've written a lot in the last while. But it seems my attention gets called to things like beauty and nature. Like yesterday, I was making the video and then this tiny Caterpillar caught my attention. And it was so cute. And I spent at least half an hour with it. And then I spent an hour editing the video I took. So an hour of my time of that day was taken up by this tiny Caterpillar, and I felt like I could have spent even more time with that caterpillar. And I hear something walking this way. And I just want to make sure it's not a bear or something. So stand here for a second. But then today, just as I found my little spot here, I sat down, and that's the spot. And I looked at the tree, and there's a bunch of ants and I thought, Oh, well, that'd be cool to film with my macro lens. So I did. And then I put it away. And I looked back. And with my regular eyes, I could see that the ads, little bombs were having light shine through it, they were looking transparent. And I thought, Oh, it must just be the way the sun is shining. And so I was wondering if I could capture that. And so I started to capture that and it looked kind of like the light was shining through it. And that was what was happening. But then I realized that they were actually lighting up their bomb, and changing the color from a gradient to totally lit to totally dark. And they were communicating with each other. And I've never heard about ants communicating in this way, though. It's likely that people who study ants know this. And so I recorded them rhythmically lighting up their bombs to communicate to each other and also colliding with each other and and there was definite, intricate communication going on there. And it was just so beautiful and fascinating. And I recorded it. I don't know how well it captured it. That's the thing that it seems like the brain gets drawn more and more into beauty. I wouldn't say drawn more and more into it that makes it sound like it's a distraction. Whereas really what is all around us is infinite beauty of nature and even of humanity partially. And then there's this tiny little fragment that is the unbeautiful ways that humanity is programmed itself to act out of these beliefs and scarcity and everything. One thing that's not scarce is the beauty of nature. But we've turned our attention away from that, in favor of things like technology. And I'm not against technology. I'm not against anything. But all I'm trying to say is there is this infinite beauty that the concept of scarcity doesn't exist. And that's an infinity available at each moment. But we've been hypnotized into turning our attention away from that. And it's not just about frolicking and beauty all day long. That's not what I'm saying. But it's almost like our brains are so out of tune with it, that we can't even tune into it at all. I was the fact that I was able to spot this tiny Caterpillar on my leg without even really seeing it or looking at it closely. I just said it out loud, is that a tiny Caterpillar, and then I had to look. Whereas if I would have just seen this little black thing moving, I would have thought it was a disgusting little bug and, and flicked it off or something. But I don't find any bugs disgusting, necessarily. But so it seems like part of this thing is going in and out of beauty. And I think when the perception of enough, beauty is channeled through the nervous system, through actually seeing it, and being with it, and witnessing it, and being in wonder of it, I think that's part of what might spur this distress, because the nervous system is more attuned to beauty. So it then has the sense to release more of the Holograms stored in the nervous system and brain. And that can be distressing. And it's not a conscious process. It's almost like when we absorb enough beauty subconsciously, or subjectively, then we're processing some of the non beauty through us. And the thing is, oftentimes, when we're in distress, we're met with moving towards being psychiatrist, and going back into society and the systems that aren't beauty. But when we're in the beauty, we feel it and we know it, and we don't know how to speak that to those who don't see and feel it. And then we can actually get quite distressed because we're going back into societal programs. And not just for us as an A me that wants to be here loving the beauty and all that it's as a system of humanity. Just like the answer communicating something by flashing their bums, people are communicating by flashing in distress and it's not about the me the answer and talking about me, they're they're communicating as a whole. And so we're not communicating as a whole of humanity. And so people that go into beauty, when they're coming back, because you can't really remain there, because not everybody's there. Then we're walking towards psychiatry, instead of being received non judgmentally, to be able to process some of that pain. And it might not even be a matter of people who go into that consciousness being like, I have all the messages for you, society. And now listen to me, it would be even just more being able to be supported through processing those energies, because we're processing those energies for the whole. And maybe it isn't even a matter of one is better than the other, it's just a matter of some people are really processing it and feeling it and, and sensitive to these other energies and frequencies and sounds and, and noise and everything. And really people who are doing that should be honored for their ability to process some of this stuff, and kind of keep quiet about it and let people who don't sense this goes about their life and their business and whatever they want to do. It would be wonderful if one day, people who went through these processes were seen more as having a unique place in society to really be able to sense things and supporting a person to learn that language. Because again, that language isn't even about us as people who go into that state and them as people who don't, we don't need everybody to go into that state all the time. But it is a unique brain state. I feel it is a unique neural tribe. And the fact that there's a lot of research going on about all these different altered states of consciousness, but people who go there Cuz they're sensitive to things. Their whole being is just sensitive. It's not like you can make your being sensitive, you can't say, okay, no be sensitive, no, just the universe makes some people sensitive, in order to process some of these things and also support society in being able to move towards other meanings such as beauty, then just these mechanized things like technology. And that's the thing, it's going from a living state, which is very feeling and alive and embodied to being chemicalized. Back into this mechanized way of being. And it seems like one is just this living state, and the other is this sort of robotic state. And that robotic state is necessary. And it's not necessarily bad. We have to be so called robotic in certain ways when we drive a vehicle and we learn, but we've become robotic, and how we drive our consciousness. And then the people who go into those states where all sudden they're released from that robotic control consciousness that, that contrived consistency, while they're pathologists and says something's wrong with your brain, when really, we've just been released from that consistent program that we all believe in, in society. So anyways, I, I'm really having a sense of these things, and I, I have different senses of things all day long, but it's hard to really capture all of it. It seems like there's a world where we're moved by consciousness, itself, and then a world where we're moved by thought and everything in between. But that isn't something living, but it has control of our living energy. And when that control is released, it takes a while to actually adapt to it. It's like the next adaptation. It's like natural selection. And not all of us who go into those states of consciousness make it and yesterday, when I was editing the video, I was noticing how drugged I loved and how bloated my face looked and probably looks still kind of bloated, for sure. But I think that those extra medications sort of slow down one's voice and it's even in the facial structures and how it sort of inflames and bloats the face and and this morning, I took another one something over there. I took another one tablet of the Hardy nutritionals and then for lunch, I took another one. And at dinnertime I will take two and I'm feeling better today. I'm feeling not as much like something is being held in. So hopefully that could mean that I'm on the mend. And that blocking it was a good idea. It was definitely a good idea but I'm hoping that the blocking didn't make it so I'm going to have to constantly block something versus when it gets to the peak gets somewhat out of control that I know that it's just tapering off. So between feeling better today that's a good sign. Last night I took one Seroquel and two trazadone instead of the night before I took half a Sarah have a trazadone and three Seroquel. Somehow my brain just didn't quite compute what to do. So I will definitely keep going with that. And I wore my heart rate monitor and I'll show you what it looks like when I'm falling asleep. And I don't have the comparisons to the nights before when I was actually really in more distress because I wasn't wearing it. But wearing it actually feels like somewhat of a security I don't know why, even though it's not really going to do anything, but maybe it's almost a gesture of saying to my heart, okay, I'm going to pay attention to you. I know that you're stressed. I'm going to manageI want to start by juxtaposing the philosophy of the recovery scenario with a quote by J. Krishnamurti, which is, it's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. So to me, recovery is about adjusting back into this profoundly sick society. When I think in my consciousness, there is a discovery of many things to move away from, as well as a lot of other things that one could say, to actually support the society having more meaning. Because the brain goes into the hyper meaning state, and is able to harvest a lot of meanings that people can't usually see. I just remembered something I remembered last night. I had this voice. But it wasn't really sound. But I sort of heard and felt this thing, telling me to just have fun with it. Because writing all these things down and then making videos, sometimes I get behind. There's no real purpose to it. But I've sort of set up a purpose somewhat of catching up, as opposed to just having fun with this process of self dialog. And it's not like it hasn't been fun. And I'm not like trying to actually do anything except talk to myself, and see what happens. It's just a tiny shift to remember to have fun with it and not be whatever, I don't know, I don't think I was anything. But I just when I heard that. I was like, Oh, yeah, I am having fun. But there's always room for more fun. And I wrote down that the body is being used to project images. And with that we relate. So we're communicating based on these images we project. And we're not communicating based on calculating the gestures and the movements of the moment of what someone's saying, as a movement, as how they move is how they stand. And when we're projecting the Holograms, when we're meeting the world through this holographic projection, we can't actually see what's there to calculate. So if I was so stuck on making self dialog that day, I probably wouldn't have even seen that little caterpillar. But it got picked up by my beauty perception apparatus. My beauty sense, it's probably another sense, that is just so atrophied. Whereas It seems that my mind if something's within the field of consciousness, that is beautiful. It will naturally select that. So I think this map consciousness is actually a process where we're looking as beauty at beauty, and selecting for that. I think we just have so many areas of the brain and things that haven't even been discovered, because we're not perceiving in that way, we're not being in that way. So those areas of the brain would not be activated epigenetically, an epi gesture radically. I think the body is afraid of holograms. Because in a way, we're afraid our holographic image of ourselves will get damaged. And even when I go into those states of distress, there's a little bit of thought energy and some kind of energy and it could be the holographic energy of memories or, or, or prophecies or, or whatever hallucinations or delusions, whatever you want to call them. And the body reacts in fear. Because we're used to reacting in fear of these holograms that we're projecting ourselves. So I think there's just subconscious holographic projection crap left in my body and I think that's what gets breathed out. Holla tropically. And maybe when that's gone consciousness, in its purest form, re enters the body and can see through the brain. And with what Dr. Daniel Siegel was saying about the brain being integrated and in regular people Not in people with mental illness or something, the regular brain is trying to be integrated with thought. It works based on the fuel of thought. Whereas a brain of somebody who's labeled with something like bipolar or schizophrenia, is trying to integrate insight. They're trying to integrate infinity, which is beauty, actually, it's the beauty of the moment. But the beauty is negated when thought structures come in, and try to grasp onto a little piece and say that it knows what it is. So we're missing out on this infinity. So yes, their brain has disintegrated from thought of me, and my memories, and, and my stories, and all these things that are supposed to get integrated into this society as it is believing in these separate me selves and the importance of our own little stories. All of that becomes actually meaningless when somebody goes into map consciousness. But it's very hard for the brain to stay there. And actually, it's possible that part of the brain does stay there and people who go there now exist in superposition states have multiple realities simultaneously. So So if some major rearrangement of the entire universe happened, because it's all based on consciousness, consciousness is fundamental, not matter. One has a piece of consciousness in multiple dimensions, like, one left a light body version of themselves in the dimension of beauty and consciousness, and then, and then fell back into regular consciousness and then got labeled in this material reality, and came back here to help actually help people level up to that level of consciousness that is in a world of beauty. And, you know, part of it could be that some people just don't exist there. And some people do. And, yeah, it's this whole, we're all one consciousness, multiple bodies, as we walk there together, yet people don't see it, certain people die, and people are going to die anyway. So we wouldn't really notice that that's what's happening, we wouldn't really notice that certain people see it, and then they go there. And there's lots to that. And I don't want to get all crazy on you, though, I could say that stuff all day long, because I've seen it. But it's really irrelevant. what's relevant now is, is receiving people who are in distress with unconditional love, and helping homeless people because they are there in that other dimension. But here in this dimension, their brain is so disintegrated, that they can't move. But if they were given some love, and unconditional notice, a lot of them would actually be quite saintly, but they just are so saintly, in a way that and so compassionate, that they'll just sit there and, and wait for somebody to recognize this. And, and, and die waiting. And this whole matter world is actually way too dense for their consciousness, and they can't even move, barely, just enough to do a few things in a day. And then they have to take drugs or something to to increase the fluidity of their body to be able to move around. And then people think that they're just mentally ill and stuff. But they kind of ventured into that consciousness a little bit too quickly, without everyone else. And, and they're sort of the test in a way that will we look at them and say, you know, you're loved as a member of humanity. And here, we will support you to not just come back into this society, but they might actually have some really good messages for us to hear. But I get off track. And I say this because I can see what they're doing, I can extrapolate my experience to their experience. And I can see different trajectories of my own life and where they might go and, and they might already be there. And I'm not really sure which one I'll end up in. And that's kind of up to the progress of everybody and not even progress, but just how people choose to see this. Like certain people in the world have been recognized as having high level of consciousness and people see that and they're able to maintain that high level. Whereas if somebody is seen as just having a mental illness, well, that way of seeing that person, that consciousness is going to keep them there. It's all about perception, and we're sensitive to the light coming out of other people's eyes. It's almost like we know how we're being looked at And then we play the role. Because if we do anything else, then we're just seen as more crazy. So it's life energy integrating through the brain, life, integrating life, not integrating thoughts. And the me, that doesn't really have much to do with life, and thought energies in circles, whereas life energy is infinity. If there was a way to put these dis integrated brains, these so called mentally ill brains, in paradise in a world of beauty, they would probably all of a sudden be completely fine. And actually, I remember the very first time this all happened to me, I was talking with the psychologist and I was not doing well at all. And then, as soon as I went outside, I felt completely different. I felt like I could be out there all day. It was almost like I was free. But then as soon as I went back home, I didn't feel well, again, I felt like I was back in the energy of the structures. And I hope I do okay, when I go back home, is actually might be really important to actually get myself quite strong in my brain before I go back home, even if it's in a month or two months or four months. Look, know, when making noise. You're not a bear? Well, he's pretty cute. So yeah, our brains are disintegrated because we're in the wrong environment. And it's a sign that it's just the wrong environment, in general, because anybody can have an integrated brain and then it can disintegrate. The energy of an infinity is much greater than the energy of thought. And the glue that holds thoughts together to form this illusion of me. separation is an illusion. So it won't really hold together. In my mind, the mind is trying to create new traits. So the mind uses the brain to create itself. And the mind can create the brain. It can change the molecules in the brain, it can have an effect on the brain, it can make the brain grow new structures or change its structure. It's trying to create the trade of seeing the meaning of beauty. Because if we don't do this, we're gonna destroy the planet. What are you doing? Oh, he's cute. One of them's never hung out with me this long before. I actually thought of revision of what Dr. Daniel Siegel said. He says, the mind uses the brain to create itself. I feel like the mind changes the brain to create itself is changing the brain towards beauty. And I think this is what happens with the hyper neuroplasticity. And the brain growth induced by perception of beauty. It grows the brain in areas to perceive more beauty. And one day people will be more attracted to beauty than non beauty and technology right now we're all attracted to technology. And he said the mind can change molecules while the mind can turn on genes and things and and that's probably what it's doing. It's making epigenetic changes to the brain such that it produces some of the neurotransmitters such as DMT and blah, blah, blah, and all the flow chemicals. This can be turned on by mind and consciousness. And each time it happens, each time it creates that brain state, it's exercising that brain state. So it'll eventually become a trade. So I think those manic traits are very important to actually practice because I feel they can be created through gesture. But in the mind in desperation that we're not gesturing in these ways, and reaching out in these ways, makes it so we're animated to do so by changing our brains. And if we do it ourselves, the mind doesn't have to do this. And I was talking about superposition states. And I know, I have several other superposition states where I exist in other realities simultaneously. And myself dialogue in a ways making this mind as this person, relational, and maybe other people can relate to some of it. Because it's not really personal thing. And in a way, the mind is trying to make us more relational, by animating us in ways that make us more relational in terms of saying hi and smiling and being joyful, and dancing and singing and being spontaneous, and all these things that in our regular daily life, we wish we could be, some people get the blueprint for another brain. And then the mind is compassionate in that it gives us the opportunity to walk there ourselves with our material body, but we have to gesture ourselves there. There's really something about this reaching out and how we reach out and just reaching out, not reaching out with a certain motive, but just the way we reach out. And he spoke about linking the differentiated parts of a complex system and how we're complex systems, where we're actually trying to link the differentiated parts as in other human beings, other minds, nature, these are part of consciousness, these are part of the mind. But we're actually in the way we're integrated. Now. We're disintegrated from most of the mind for most of what we are. So I just feel that there's certain aspects that are missed a little bit when one hasn't necessarily gone beyond the current limitations of the brain. Because one then doesn't have that vantage point. And then the people that do have that vantage point, are put at disadvantage, by the way they're treated and seen and received. So is it impaired integration and bipolar and things? Or are we trying to integrate something else, I feel like beauty is trying to integrate into our mind, and trying to integrate our mind and brain. And seeing beauty and, and just being able to understand nature by just looking at it is a different form of intelligence. If we all had that we wouldn't need science, science is all about manipulating variables to find some kind of useful thing that we can manipulate further to control something. But when we understand things, we understand the beauty and the intelligence and the elegance of it. We don't destroy it, we let it because we know it has its proper place. And plus, it's fun to just go around and learning about nature from its source. Being able to see beauty and understand nature, or just be with nature, I don't know if it's understanding it or have some kind of communication or communion with it is is the most incredible thing. It's better than any TV show that we have. And I wonder I've asked the question, does nature exist? If we're not looking, and when we're not looking and loving and paying attention to it? It what starts to disappear? Peekaboo Peekaboo. So yeah, impaired integration in bipolar is definitely, in my mind, a limitation of perspective of a mind who's never taken multiple perspectives or infinite perspectives or actually felt like they were a bird or an all these other experiences that are somewhat disembodied, but actually give consciousness, an algorithm by wish to calculate something else, which is the beauty of things and the interrelatedness and the interconnectedness. And it's like an education beyond any other. That gives one the perspective that is so needed right now, to be able to see through other perspective students know just looking at something that it's valuable, and it's unique and it's special, and it's a differentiated part. And by perceiving it and understanding it and seeing its beauty, that is the link That links it. So the more we look at stuff and realize its uniqueness and value and have a conversation with it, and not just cut it in and scrape it and squash it and throw it, then we're differentiating, and linking the whole mind every single thing in nature to ourselves. And that's what's happening in the bipolar brain, just one of the things, there's a lot of things, it's quite unlimited. But I feel a lot of the value of the bipolar brain is squashed. When a person who said Well, you're mentally ill, you're defective, you have to take medications forever. The thing I feel partly is happening for me is I can take medications to doll certain aspects, like the thoughts coming back in or whatever it is, or, or some of the systemic crap that is difficult to be sensitized to, but is becoming less powerful, and being able to actually dolmio completely to where the intelligence is not operating. So it's like getting more strong after walking around with a lead body suit on and one needs to do that when one is living more in the field of consciousness and less in the field of thought. But in the field of consciousness, one is very open and sensitive, and has to be in order to perceive this way. So one can become more subject to everything in the field of thought, which most people's nervous systems are attuned to, and, and see as the normal fuel. But when one is sensitive, and the beauty is the fuel, then thought, energy becomes poison. And one has to poison oneself, to be less sensitive, to not experience that stuff. We're all one consciousness, and it's related to the brain stuff. And I can understand somewhat, what's happening to people who are labeled as mental illness, what's happening with homeless people, and what's happening with autism. It's when you look at it from the perspective of the human brain, not my brain and my ego and my thoughts in me, but the whole brain and, and the function of the human brain, what it's doing and where it's moving towards. And you can see how certain brains get diverted along certain tracks. And you can see, if you think about it as the evolution of humanity and how it's evolving, you can see why these poor children are being born with brains that won't accept the thought programs. More and more of us are becoming allergic to thought programs, and the mechanical nature of it. The planet cannot withstand having more humans on it with these mechanical thought programs and operation. And I don't think the kids with autism are doomed. I actually feel like they just need a different medium. They need different timeframe. They need a lot of beauty, a lot, a lot, a lot of love. And again, well we love them. We love them. Do we love the homeless people? Do we love the people who get altered states and then come back to this reality and then are pathologized how are we receiving these people? How is the system of thought receiving people who don't seem to be able to acclimate to this mechanical system of thought? I got through nearly one page of 30Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I wanted to set in that corner there, because lizards are here first. Guess I've just said somewhere else. So the lizards moved. So I took their spot. And I just met a really friendly bunny rabbit. And some butterflies on a hike I went on today that was probably about four hours. So I'm a little bit tired. And I was thinking about flow as choiceless awareness when I was on the hike, because of what Jamie wheel and Steven Kotler talk about, if somebody is like falling to their death, and they managed to save their life. And their reaction time and their calculation of things, is faster to the point where they're able to save their life somehow. And basically, they're saying it's faster than conscious choice. What is conscious choice, it's a bunch of programs overlaid over our senses. So instead of sensing and acting, we're enacting this so called conscious choice. And so they're studying how it's easier to get into flow in these states, where the body is put under sort of extreme circumstances. And in those extreme circumstances, there's no point in choosing with those programs that we've been conditioned into seeing through. So it's a bunch of conditioning, that is the thing that we think chooses. And all of that is the accumulated me programs and, and knowledge, so we're choosing through our knowledge. And that knowledge is overlaid over our senses. So we're not sensing things holistically and acting with our senses without thinking. And so what I'm saying is that, to me, it sounds like what Krishnamurti talks about with choiceless awareness. And what that means, in a way is that there's no programming, they're doing the calculating, which is the choosing. So if, if there's no one there choosing, then what is choosing? Well, what is choosing when one is falling to one's death, and managers. Without thinking, like, basically, the person is falling in Gravity faster than thinking. So gravity, the speed of gravity, and falling in Gravity is faster than thinking, we can't think and decide, oh, I'm gonna put my hand here and I'm gonna put my hand there, and I'm gonna do this and that something else comes in. So something else is choosing something else is moving us and animating us. When we're falling at the speed, that gravity induces on us. And I feel like in a way, consciousness itself chooses, but it's not really choosing. So an ego mi program might choose between a bit or B bit. Whereas when there's no programming they're choosing then there's infinite bits available. And the conscious will or the me or the ego is choosing between very limited amount of bits, that it's been programmed into choosing between. And so I was thinking about how, while walking down the mountain, down the switchbacks that when we walk And we're going down a mountain we fall. So we're not actually walking as much as falling in gravity. But we're able to control that with our legs. And in the same way, we might think we're choosing to move our legs, but we're just moving our legs and gravity's helping. So there's this sort of play between the two, there's this dance. And I feel like we also have a field of consciousness. And the programming prevents us from falling in the field of consciousness. Whereas if we were just falling in the field of consciousness, that field of consciousness, in combination with it, impressing upon all of our senses holistically would animate us, and that would allow us to act without choosing. So much of our movement anyway, we don't choose to do but it's sort of partly gravity and partly us. So I think there's this other element, this field of consciousness that in a way, in map consciousness, we're falling in the field of consciousness. Without the programs in the way, the programs are kind of the net, the parachute that allow us to sail through life and give us time to like, make these decisions and things when another parachute is a false structure. So the reason I'm saying this is because it demystifies it in a way, not just these few words about it. But to act like it's some big mystifying thing that we need to be falling out of the sky in order to go into is making it seem like it's something so on unattainable. I feel like the field of consciousness. It doesn't choose that makes it sound. The field of consciousness animates us. So just like walking down a hill in the field of gravity, the field of gravity is helping to animate us. So the field of consciousness when it interacts with our body, and all of our senses, animates us. But there's this tension of our programs that constricts us, and actually keeps our animation very limited and fragmented. According to very few programs, it would be like being in a video game and having very few moves that one can do on the controller. It's like the difference between the original Nintendo system and Sony PlayStation, the latest one, there's just so much more that one can do. So the original controller would be like the choices, the programming that we have now. And we're being controlled by the programming as opposed to the totality of the mind and the field of consciousness and the universe. I can see this stuff so subtly and clearly. It's fascinating. It's like studying the animation of the mind. And I'm wondering if the self dialogue about all of this is seeing all those subtle nuances of it. To learn that language, and then it's like progressive training of seeing and perception Because the first experience of map consciousness is so intense, but then as one explores the subtle nuances of mapping consciousness itself. If one is seeing it that way all the time in daily life, then it's not like being blind one day, and then having full vision, the next. It's having that vision every day. And then it just seems normal. And again, I still haven't come off my medications or anything. But I'm hoping to do that when I get back home. I'm not sure what the language is. But I also feel like it's the language of, of beauty. Because beauty isn't human abstractions and programs. It's not the way we've been trained to see. But it's everything else. So one way to see beyond it would be just to see when one is seeing something that is a human construct. And I wonder if words can be used in service of beauty. I think that must have been how they originally came about a sense of awe and wonder. But now they're being used to divide up and fragment the beauty. At which point, it's no longer beautiful. And perhaps we need to speak that language, again, in order for the human brain to allow human consciousness to fully inhabited again, in terms of the upcoming generation. And we have all these words running through our nervous system like static like noise. And we don't have words and perception of beauty running through our nervous system. And our nervous system is designed to perceive beauty. So if we want to get back to its original function and design, then learning that language is important. I was saying to someone that if you ever see me kind of just standing there and walking in circles, maybe that I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for the next thing to catch my attention. Someone to walk up and say, Hey, you want to do this? Or do you want to do that? It really is just like wandering with love, like that shirt that I have. And I feel like the mental health system could be a type of holding pattern for people, it's holding them in that pattern. But we can also start to transform into wandering with love. And wandering with love in a way is like allowing the field of consciousness to move us an understanding that it will catch us just like our legs will catch us each step we take down a mountain. Right now we don't use all our senses. We just use our me sense, which is our programming. We filter everything through the me and we make choices based on that. Can we allow our senses to be in the field of consciousness and start to awaken our senses holistically and move us as The moment just like we move with gravity, what can we gravitate towards? With consciousness? What can we conscious Tate towards? So part of it is learning the language of perception, perception action in the field of consciousness. And partly why things can get a little bit dicey is when we're in the field of consciousness in lower levels. And a lot of times we act accordingly, we act out that level. And I feel it's important to sort of protect oneself from that. Because we become more like ping pong balls, then having these programs of control. We could even imagine that everything we think and imagine if we projected it out of our eyeballs, and that energy of those images and sounds actually has force in terms of making something happen. It's an active agent. So what is the light coming out of one's eyes? Is it good images or bad images? And beyond that, what about no images, because the image we're projecting from our eyes is the choice we're making. we're choosing to extract that information from reality, which is usually based on old information. And so not projecting any images and being choiceless li aware is a qualitative difference. And then anything is possible because our perception is clean and consciousness itself. That energy field of consciousness can animate us towards that which the mind would want us to create. And these images that we make are our partiality. And they make life partial. And we're re experiencing from these old partialities. And it's actually a limiter. The light and sound we project from ourselves limits all of the information out there. And I don't know what I don't know to what extent that is necessary. It seems to be necessary. actually feel like the consciousness animating us versus choice from programs. It gestures us, it acts through us, as us. And through those actions. We move towards something else then. Our programs which is actually moving away from life. It's contracting away from life. It's contracting away from actually meeting the mind. And when the mind and the human beingness meet. And there's no me as this mediator. Then the mind is what moves us consciousness And then anything becomes possible. And I feel like in a way, with these crisis events that seem to happen, it's like going as far along as one can, on that particular path of the mind animating oneself. And then one gets to the limit and it becomes fearful. And it's a type of death in a way. I feel like one could be dying to alternate realities. Because one sprain is in the quantum state. And then when one goes far enough along that path, certain realities have to die. But one experiences that as something terrifying. And one might even have to experience that extreme terror in order to sort of save other people from experiencing that. Because there's so much terror out there that people are not experiencing, because they're using certain means to get through it. And there's nothing wrong with that, per se, but it's not resolving those energies, they have to be resolved some way. In consciousness. I don't quite know how that works in terms of this whole mechanism of terrifying pneus. I feel like we could gesture ourselves quantum. I wonder what kind of lifestyle design would facilitate being open to possibility and, and moving in possibility as possibility. Instead of moving in programs as programs, and I've already had that sensation in my consciousness, I'm just wondering why it seems to for burnout. And somebody once said to me, of higher level of consciousness, don't push let it come to you. Not really sure what that means. But I feel like it partly means that it doesn't take time. So it doesn't matter if I sit here in the same spot for 10 years. And then if I got up and I was moving in possibility, whatever was meant to be created, could be created very quickly. Or it could be created the same way if I got up and did that now. So it doesn't really matter. In terms of time, and it's already here, it's a matter of really just going for it, I guess. Whatever that is. And I feel I'll take some time to figure that out. Maybe I'll continue to wander after this.I was reading a bit of a book by Krishna Murty called fire in the mind. And there was a bit in there about listening. He said, Those who are passionate to find out who want to hear will listen, not to me. And then he said, it's in the air. And I think that's the subtle hearing of insight and seeing of insight. And I sort of realized that seeing in that way is harvesting insight and giving voice to it. Seeing those subtle things, I can see what I'm saying. But it's hard to really put words to it. And then I also realized in a way, I'm harvesting my mania right now, even though I'm not in the state of mania, I feel like I'm doing everything I would be doing. If I was really manic, but I don't feel manic. So I guess I'm embodying my mania. But I'm also talking about stuff. And I'm taking pictures of my notebooks and posting it on my blog at a later date. And that's something I would totally do, if I was just really manic, I would think, Wow, this is so profound, I need to share it. And I'm not even thinking it's so profound, I need to share it, I'm just sharing it for the heck of it. To really not have any build up of anything, partially, because I just forget. So I can't even really think of accumulating stuff and then waiting and then sharing it later has to be done right away or not at all. And that's kind of part of how the mind works in the process. So it's just going according to a different an edited process. And that's the thing, too, is when one gets into that state of consciousness, it's an unedited state, there's no pre forming of words and planning what to say. So just really getting with that in every aspect of life. Not thinking anything is worth clinging on to for later. So I'm wondering if I'm in that higher energy state, but not feeling it. And I talked about in earlier videos, how the neurology grows in ways to be able to contain and harness that energy and not be overpowered by it, because there's more nerve tracks for that. And I don't even know if that's true, but it seems to have some kind of truth to it. So I'm doing these actions that I would do if I was really manic, but I'm not. So in a way, I'm just living that way, congruent with what that energy would animate me to do. beyond my suppose of control, but the thing is, once I have the nerves for that energy to animate me in that way, it doesn't feel like I'm out of control. Because it's not energy beyond that, which my nerves can handle. If you know what I mean. So in a way, if I was surfing a wave that was bigger than the one I'd ever surfed before, I might feel like I'm gonna fall or I'm out of control. Whereas if I have served that same size wave a million times, it's gonna feel natural. So it's the same thing with serving consciousness, that wave of consciousness, energy comes in, and the nerves have to get used to moving in those ways. And that consciousness can come in and take over any one of us. So really being able to move with the wave Consciousness is imperative. Because if a big wave comes in and takes over even more people, it's going to be really chaotic. So the more we can move towards embodying those gestures and ways of being, the better. And I had the sense that choice is a program choice itself. And that is the fundamental program. Whereas when that program is gone, then there's just the census on adulthood. by choice. And I feel like what that consciousness is, is the unknown in a way, so we have to be fully able to sense the unknown, and act accordingly, instead of being always projecting our programs, and then acting based on that. And one can have access to that energy and be acting and acting and acting with the unknown, and then get to a point where it's beyond the comfort zone of the nervous system. And it gets freaked out and turns back. And I wrote down, there is a possible world filled with love. If we were all filled with love, if we're all moved by love, what kind of world with that great. And I feel like the real app of reality is epigesturetics. Every move we make is recorded in the fabric of reality and moves us towards a certain possibility, we can choose a different action. The next moment, if we're always acting, based on the movement of love, that doesn't take time to figure that one out. So we can immediately changed our path. And I feel like our gestures harvest and uncover that world of love. As we move as love, it's like our bodies are painting that into actuality. It's kind of like carving a sculpture. And as we move in the fabric of love as love that sculpt us as well, it's sculpture, neurology, and our body. It's like a game of love. And our body is quantum it has quantum effects, it makes things possible. It creates, and it has a certain range of motion, and gestures. The music of love can play through us. gestures, and words are the notes of the quantum body instrument. Can we go from seeing problems to seeing possibility? And we've been turned into thought processors instead of quantum processors, possibility craters, and our thought process creates a vortex of sound that keeps us separate from the flow of life. And, and that listening that hearing. We can't hear that subtleness when we're listening to our own thoughts, we're giving voice to the past so we can't give voice to the moment. And we've superimposed our thought process over life process. And I wonder if freedom is from the pre formulation of words. And I want to say again that Krishnamurti said that meditation is unpremeditated art. So nothing premeditated, nothing going on in terms of cognition. And I feel like that's a similar way to saying, harvest practice, embody or practice one's mania in a way, it becomes an art form. So in a way, it's the art of mania. And maybe that's part of math consciousness is the art of living. There's no formula for living and if one puts a formula After living, then that's not living. Because formulas aren't alive. And human beings, and other living things aren't alive. And I don't think we live in reality, we live in mi ality. And I wonder if our language can be our fruit. A plentiful harvest that we share the fruit humans produce is language. And right now we're not really making fruit with it, we're making weeds and weed killer can our language be of insight and create vision. And I wrote down a peer, as in one peer, and to peer as in two people. But what I was looking at was a peer is what appears and to peer is to look deeply into. So a peer to peer is what appears to look deeply into. And I was thinking about that in terms of my brain, buddy, and wondering what we'll end up talking about, we might talk about our experiences. And there could be commonality there. And it might show in a way that we speak the same language, a language of seeing an experience and seeing beyond experience, and what it possibly means and harvesting the fruit of language differently and sharing it. I wonder if so called psychosis is fear leaving the system, or fears of leaving the system of thought, because there's some suppose it safety in that it could be fear of change, fear of transformation, fear of breaking out of the chrysalis seems like a bit of a tide, this energy comes in this consciousness and animates us, and then it goes out. And then when it goes out, all the things on the sea floor are exposed. So they have to be adapted to when there's no consciousness, and when there's a lot of consciousness. So in a way, we have to be kind of like barnacles. And our vision gets written over by programs in the structure of thought, like the mental health system, we speak in a different way. And we're speaking a little bit out there and not quite making sense because we're learning a new language of perception. And so afterwards, we learn the language of pathologizing ourselves. But it would be cool to still keep learning this language of perception and being animated by consciousness. That's kind of like when you're a kid. And around one parent, you know, you can be goofy and around the other parent, you know, you have to be serious. It's sort of like, realizing that we're being subject to certain authoritative structures or not. And I was thinking about falling in gravity and how the body takes over and the senses take over in order to save our life. And I was thinking that the speed of consciousness is kind of like, the speed of falling in gravity. It's way faster than thinking. So again, it's just the brain operating at a faster speed. And it's a speed faster than thinking. So when we think that we are thinking process, then it can be scary, because we think we're out of control. But really, it's just faster processing. And then the slow processing of thinking is afraid. And that it's sort of like if somebody falls in Gravity, and they managed to save themselves somehow. They're not and they realize it was quicker than the speed of thought. They didn't have to think about it. They would just be happy that they managed to save their life that and in that way, when the consciousness comes in, it's happening to save life in a way because it's life energy itself, this time. Consciousness. And thought, is delay. It's dividing up life. And so sometimes we fall in consciousness. And then after it happens, we're all thinking and stuff like, Oh, this means I'm ill or something. But it could have been some other mechanism of healing and helping the brain and life and the field of the universe. It's a faster processing. And again, since thought can never be faster than that process of consciousness, we can never really think about it and encapsulated, so there's no real point. So when it's over to say, that means it's all this mental illness and stuff that could never capture what actually happened. Or even after something like a terrifying so called psychosis, just forget about it. And so when we're in that map conscious state, we're being pulled by strings, kind of like puppets of the environment, puppets of perception. Right now, we're puppets of thought, are puppets of the past. But we could actually be puppets of the universe. The word puppet is kind of funny. So being a puppet of the universe is like being fully alive. Whereas being puppets of thought, is just being a biological robot. And this choice process is very binary. It's good or bad. Whereas the consciousness is animation. It's multi dimensional animation, being animated by the sights, the perceptions, the insights, the sounds, the feeling, the smells, everything all at once. So the quantum is a computation of animation. And thought is a contraction of this animation. It tones down the animation by toning the nervous system with sounds. And I feel like we're animated by gravity and consciousness. Just like we can fall in Gravity, we can fall in consciousness. And we don't actually fall in consciousness, but it's the faster speed that is faster than thought, that renders thought obsolete. And then that's when we're flowing with consciousness. And consciousness is related to gravity, because our thoughts contract our nervous system and our muscles and change our center of gravity, and it changes our degrees of freedom in motion and how we gesture in actuality. So, less thoughts mean, less gravity means more consciousness, and more action and more degrees of freedom in gesture, which gestures in these other realities. And these thought, sounds, images through our nervous system, prevent clarity of perception, that is needed for the fluidity of action and learning. And I say learning because this perception is its own learning process and we learn to move as consciousness and as the moment fluidly as opposed to moving. According to Richard programs, it's actually learning how to be alive in a way. Learning how to move in the field of consciousness, learning how to dance as loveI feel like the mind of humanity, the total mind is trying to free us from the thought that was necessary. But the mind of humanity is testing whether it can release us from those programs, and trust us to perceive and act as love. And it feels powerful. And so when we get in touch with that power, do we share it? Or do we use it against people? Would we use it to hurt? Or would we use it to help. And I feel one of the measures of this is how we act towards nature. So can we look at another creature doesn't matter where it is on the totem pole, and look with love, and respect and admiration for the part that it plays in the whole. And when we do that, it's registered in that creature. It's registered in the mind of the collective of that creature. And that creature knows, just like how today I was sitting, and a lizard just came up right beside me, and then ran over my shoes that I had taken off and put beside me, and then started sending himself. And seems like we all have thought, parachutes. In order to slow down, moving in the field of love as love. We're attached to our me, we don't understand what would be acting if we didn't have this parachute of thoughts. We can fall in love, but we can't fall in Gravity, we can fall in consciousness. I think part of my test was years ago when I made that video with the flies. And I was in awe of these flies. And in a way, it could have been my invitation into these perceptions, and starting to make sense of them backwards and forwards at the same time. And I said in the video, I wouldn't hurt a fly. And one way to get into flow is to look at nature beyond human constructs, and not look at the separate thing and name it but actually see its inter relatedness and be curious about what it does with its time and it's life energy. I wonder if we can let beauty run through our nervous system, run through us, run as us and animate us are meant to be the most beautiful creatures on earth, with the ability to appreciate beauty, to look at it, and also to make more of it. But we're using our beautiful instrument to destroy beauty. And we don't realize we're destroying ourselves. I was happy to find that quote, in the Krishna Murty book that says, when we destroy nature, we destroy ourselves. Because I had that sense a long time ago. So beauty is the fuel. Truth is perception. And love is action. But all those could be interchanged. And I remember Krishnamurti saying that, that beauty is indestructible. Think the indestructible element is that beauty. That's always there. I feel like thought is a holding pattern. It's holding so many human beings in a pattern. And really, we want to be released from that pattern. And the me is a pattern. And I feel like our senses become a quantum sense. We sense possibilities. We see relationships. And that's where we learn. I was editing a video and I was watching myself and While watching myself, it was the first time I really had this sense that I could see that I'm speaking what I'm seeing. Because I was going on and on for like 10 minutes. And as I was saying more and more, I was actually speaking from what I was seeing. And I'm always doing that. But it was the first time I actually could see myself seeing as I was speaking. And I probably could before but it was the first time I was really aware that I was really following what I was seeing, as I was saying it because it was the first time I was hearing it, since I said it, because I say things from nothing. But I really had this extra sense of seeing what I was saying. And maybe that's good in terms of if somebody watches this one day, if one can actually see what i'm saying, When I'm saying it, or see that I'm saying what I'm seeing not saying stuff from pre formed thoughts in my brain, because that's really, the whole point of it is to be able to see and say for yourself, or listen and say listen to these subtle things in the air. Really, we just want to be in touch with that voice and give voice to that. Because it's infinite. I wonder what happens when love loses control. Seems like thought is trying to control this love. It's afraid of it. I feel like what we project out of our eyes, the light and sound limits possibility. It's premature collapsing of the wavefunction. We don't allow all the information to penetrate our being and then make the quantum calculation and respond with our full being. We respond according to the programs and images that we're projecting. So it's like that light coming out of us. And that sound coming out of us that is invisible to others is meeting and breaking up all the information, light and sound coming towards us. And so it's chopping up all the information. So one can receive the whole impression on the clear mind screen and collapse the wave function. And I feel like it's actually that's part of what creation is, is is having that correct information clearly. impress upon one and then responding creatively. One can respond in many possible ways. So it's not necessarily one correct response. But it's definitely likely actually all correct responses doesn't matter what you do, really. But when one is choosing between programs, it can never be a correct response because it's old. And it's it's gone out to meet the information coming in and and impinged upon it and impeded it. So, one is even getting any of the information. So So when all the information is collected in a quantum way. One has the degrees of freedom to respond in many possible ways. And the thing is that when one is in touch with that, one does even really know oneself what one is going to say or do exactly. And in that way one is kind of entertained by oneself because everything is surprising even what one does, because it's not coming from past programs. So if I even think about my day to day, I didn't really plan anything. It was a day of complete possibility. The past is collapsing. The present is impinging upon the present. Or it's actually making it so we can't collapse wave functions. Because there's a hologram in the way. After my hike today, I caught back and everything seemed brighter. Even the kitchen, it just seemed so bright. And there was an orange and I picked it up. And it seemed so bright. And I was thinking about how beauty is related to color. So when things seem more beautiful and vibrant, it must have some kind of association to the quality of the nervous system. And it's sort of a measure of where one's at. If one can be in awe of an orange. When one is seeing oranges all day long for for several weeks, then that's the different quality beyond the things as they are are the things that we would normally measure them as like this is an orange, big deal. And I think there could be a diligence in consciousness to keep the programs in abeyance. And I feel like consciousness is when we are really awake. So there's a sleep state, which is sort of like glow. And then there's a programmed state which is kind of like no as in knowing things acting based on previous knowing and also an O as and just saying no to the living, whatever one is encountering and the awake state which is flow. So glow, no and flow. I hope to create perceivers seers people who can see meaning and unfold that. Can we be masters of mania, of the wave of consciousness, can we serve that wave? Can we be moved by celebrating possibilities instead of conflict and problems? And I feel like medicating changes our voice from possibilities to problems, from the movement of consciousness and the mind to the movement of thought and programs.I was thinking about today how it's quite safe to flow here where I am. It's safe to be a ping pong ball and just bounce around doing whatever, because whatever it is, that I run into, will be something safe and beautiful and have a harmless quality. And I was wondering, if I take that same movement of this brain and nervous system out into society, that it doesn't really translate well, and one can run into fearful things, and respond quite strongly or want to retract quite strongly. And when one is moving around, sort of randomly, one can start to accumulate a sense of unsafety. And then feel like it's actually safer to retreat to the programs of thought and society, and move around based on those. In a way I feel like so called psychosis is the fear of being alone outside the programs. So if there were more of us outside the programs, we wouldn't be alone outside the programs, and it wouldn't be so easy to get afraid. And I was thinking about awareness and how we need to be aware in order to make an art out of our life. We can't be unaware because unawareness is defaulting to the programs. And beauty is our full self. And I feel like I can see beauty in nature. And sometimes I have a hard time seeing it in humanity. But I remember being able to look at people and change people into their beautiful self, a self that I don't even feel they were aware was contained within their being. But I think looking with those kind of eyes, changes people. I wonder how to do that. I sort of had a sense of wondering about the possibilities of the human brain, because in that state of so called mania, there was this in touchiness with those possibilities, but not really understanding how they worked. And it could actually be just the seeing possibilities and collapsing the wavefunction around that. But the trouble is, one eventually sees scary possibilities and sees one moving towards that. And it's scary. So one retreats. So moving between perceiving in problems and perceiving and possibility is a dance and a flux that maybe we have to get used to until the brain is more settled in that seeing of possibilities. Because when the brain is in that state, it's actually creating those possibilities that it sees, because we're usually seeing thoughts and a very limited reality based on that. So it's almost like the brain being comfortable with infinity. And can we glimpse people into wakefulness. And when we first get in touch with my consciousness, it feels like we're out of control because it's faster processing. And thought, tries to come in and resume control. And when it can't, then we see that we're not our thoughts or there's a power beyond our thoughts. And I feel like the nerves have to release the sluggishness of the thought programs. And I talked before about random DICOM provisions. I made up this exercise thing where you stick weights and go weights and wrist weights on into Sort of spin around and, and in a way, bring space into the body. But I think map consciousness and so called mania is a type of random de contraventions of the universe. The universe gives us synchronicity, and all these different things, but they're actually deprogramming language and gestures, to see that there's other forces at play, and for the opportunity to play with them. And I sort of just saw that when one has access to all those powers, oftentimes it gets used for oneself. And when one comes back when realizes that the point of power extra energy is to give it to others, because if only one person has power, then it's usually used as power over others. But it can be used as energy to share with others, so they have it too. So the nervous system is learning to act faster. It's like the nerves want to act a certain speed. But then thoughts are getting in the way. It's almost like how elite athletes have mental blocks. Sometimes they're overthinking things, and they're actually not playing as well as they can. Like they're really close to the championship point. And they play really poorly in the last part, because they're overthinking things. They're thinking about the result. They're not just playing and this state is actually not about results, or goals or anything like that, at all. So as soon as one wants to use something for a result, or particular thing, then the power is gone. And then all of a sudden, I came up with this crazy theory, that thought is an illness that has infected the human nervous system. Consciousness is trying to heal us of this. It's trying to purge the programs and the thoughts. And map consciousness is a ti programming language. And just as we wouldn't listen to two songs at the same time, why would we listen to our me voice? And then we can't hear the universe. Me is the noise that prevents hearing the universe. And I wonder why did our nervous system get infected with sound? I wonder if it's human percept to deficiency virus. The sound is inner sound, blocks our perception. And there was thinking about the term ESP or extrasensory perception, and how in map consciousness we get in touch with quantum sensory perception q SP, when I wrote that thing about being infected with sound viruses, I got freaked out because I had some premonition like extrapolations from it. And then I realized that if we're infected by a language virus, or a sound virus, then it's mainly a problem of how we use language, or how language uses us. But really, if this is what it's partially about, then it's helpful. We've been taken over by the sound of our own voice. And when we see that we can use our voice in creative ways, and also to give voice to beauty. And that's not a goal. It's not something to do in the next 10 years or to attain it's something that can be done now and can only be done now. There's no goal in beauty. We can't make beauty into a goal. And if we saw this beauty and spoke as that we wouldn't think in terms of goals.Two nights ago, I was trying to fall asleep and I couldn't fall asleep. And then I felt like I was going into this vast emptiness. It was almost like I could feel myself. Looking into the unknown, the void consciousness itself, I could see the patterns and the play of light. And it felt like that play of energy was the energy that created all things. And it could create anything. I saw a big fish swimming. But it was like the energy pattern of the fish. And I had the sense that the fish could just easily be created from the energy because the pattern is there. And in a way, all the molecules and biology is a result of that pattern. So it might look like all this complicated evolution has to happen. But really, all of that complexity rests upon the pattern when it's manifest. And then I just felt like my consciousness or consciousness was trying to leave my body and travel all over the place and And when that happens, it feels like it can start to feel scary. My heart was pounding and then I was feeling pretty terrified, and I got up and I grabbed a Seroquel. And I took it. And I also put my zap strap beside my bed, and then I unlocked the door. And I also grabbed my phone and the charger. So that's sort of my little safety plan. Because I know if I had my phone, then I can call for help. If the doors unlocked, someone can get in. If I have my zap strap, I can secure myself if I no longer feel safe. And the odd thing was that as soon as I took the Seroquel, it went away. Like it wasn't like oh, I have to wait 10 minutes for it to kick in. It was just taking it, it stopped. And then I eventually had to take another one to fall asleep. I couldn't quite fall asleep with just one. But it was interesting because when I got up and I was scared, I could hear and feel this very faint sense of what I will just call right now the suicide program. Having this sense that being that terrified, meant that I had to end my life because it was just too scary. And I feel like I've talked about this before where when the consciousness is coming back to the body. It's scary. So consciousness goes on this journey is seeing all these things the formless realm and then nothing is and then I wonder if it's partly that it becomes scary. So consciousness goes back to the body. And one of the things that gets you to go back is taking a pill or maybe even just the gesture of taking a pill it doesn't even have to kick in that that pattern of getting up and taking a pill is like saying Okay, that's enough of that. And the thing too is that I'm in California and I can't afford to be hospitalized and I don't have my family here to support me and things like that. And part of me feels like since that happened maybe I should just go home but I'm going to see how it is. I'm going to continue to take the Seroquel and I took to that first night and last night I had to take three I took one convulsive took another one couldn't fall asleep. took another one and then I fell asleep. So today I definitely feel drugged up. It's almost like having a poison. My brain cells, so consciousness doesn't come in and just take over so much. I wonder why consciousness wants to leave my body, maybe I'm not taking good enough care of my body, maybe I'm not putting enough care into my body. I used to put a lot of care into my body. That was one of the main things I did. And now I don't really do that at all. I'll go to the kitchen and just grab chips to eat or ice cream or whatever's there, I'm not really paying attention to taking care of myself. Whereas before, I would probably spend four hours a day just taking care of myself. And I don't know if that's true, but maybe my body needs that gesture. And I was reading a book last night wholeness in the implicit order by David Bohm. And it's really interesting. And it talks about our use of language and changing our use of language to a different structure. So there's not all this emphasis on division. And I didn't really get through that chapter yet, but I tried to read it today, and I can't even focus. So part of me feels like when I've seen too much, or my brain is too active, it gets to this place where consciousness is even like leaving this body to gather more information from other places than what's immediately perceptible. And then when it starts to do that, it's almost like my brain consciousness is going too far beyond the skill set of my brain or the collective brain. Or it's gone too far outside the collective level of consciousness. And it needs to come back. So taking a pill isn't necessarily saying that my brain is diseased, it's almost too fluid. It's so fluid that it kind of goes beyond itself. And and I think that some people can probably master that, and maybe I will at some point, but I haven't so far, I haven't been able to keep going in it. And I don't see maybe there's no point in going into it like that, because the unknown is infinite. And once the brain goes into the unknown, it's in the infinite and the body is finite. So the body would get afraid of the brain going on into infinity, because if it goes too far, it can almost want to stay there in infinity, just traveling around choice lessly, powerfully, fluidly, and, and I've talked about the adjacent light body, and I feel like one day we'll actually all live as light bodies. So when we do the fluidity of consciousness and the fluidity of the body will be in alignment, and it won't matter if consciousness goes off. But right now, since we're in these material bodies, it does matter. And the fact that I'm in California, I have to be extra careful. So it's kind of difficult because I don't have anyone to talk to. And if I do then maybe I don't want to freak people out. And forgive me if I'm talking kind of like well, blah, blah. I feel like I can't really enunciate things properly. My mouth is like slow and slow down. My whole physiology is poisoned and slowed down. And I'm okay with that. I think my whole being just needs to rest and so I also Talk to the people from hardy nutritionals. And they sell a micronutrient supplement that's good for people who have these kinds of concerns. And oftentimes, people can come off their medication. And I'm not planning to come off my medication on purpose, but I will likely start that settlement somewhat, because it might actually help with some of these things I'm experiencing, I feel like if it helps somebody was, say, so called psychosis. And it's giving the brain the right nutrition to not have consciousness come in and push the brain into altered state experiences. And it might be actually the right nutrition for perception, to be able to just perceive and not be flung into the whims of those perceptions. And I wonder about this, because I think there's actually something to the fact that so many people get thrust into this process of consciousness animating us and sort of being these calling birds calling out the fact that something's wrong with society structure. And that's why people are going into these other states of consciousness. And I remember a quote, I think her name was Emily Levine, and it was in her TED talk about trixter. And I want to go back to it actually, because she talked about something like, at the end of her talk, she said something like, Don't go too far into beauty. Because you have to be able to meet your audience. And I feel like my brain has just gone too far into beauty. It's too beautiful here. And my brain does this when it's starting to thrive. And so in a way, since society is not designed for thriving in the very fabric of the brain needs to be poisoned, in order to sort of come back down to the resonance of what's really there collectively. Because as Krishnamurti says that I am the world and the world is me. And I do sense this very strongly. Sometimes. I don't, I don't know, I just, I really want to be able to stay here to go to emotional CPR in early April. If I can get to that point. At least that would be great. But I do want to stay here longer. But I do have to be so careful. And if I ended up going back early. I just I just don't know what to do with myself. Because if this little blip was kind of a bit of a so called crisis that's only two months, I thought I would have easily five months at least without a sign of anything, especially being in such a beautiful place. So to have it come on after two months, in this beautiful place, is kind of freaky. And now I'm carrying my zap strap and my Seroquel with me, Everywhere I go, and my phone and my charger just actually be extra safe. And it seems to really help and work. Like as soon as I have those items, I just feel like I can't hurt myself. So it's almost like the brain is scared back to the body. Or the mind is scared back to the body and then part of it is that it's scary. But I also feel safe. So I'm gonna keep taking the Seroquel every day for at least a week. Maybe two, like I did before. But the differences this time it's after two months. But it wasn't a full blown crisis. Like it wasn't Like, last time, it was maybe like before last time, I had a little tiny so called panic attack. And I took out Seroquel, and I didn't need it. And I kept not taking it for a couple of weeks. And then eventually, I needed to take it and go through a full crisis. So I'm wondering if this time I did the thing that I keep saying to myself, I mean to do which is take it at the first sign, instead of being like, okay, I'll ride out this wave, alright, of this wave, and then not taking it. So this time being in the scenario that I'm in where I can't risk going into a full blown crisis, I took it sooner. So maybe I'll have to take it for two weeks, every two months, or something, I don't know. But it just makes me slow and not able to read and, and makes it harder to do some of the tasks that I need to do. But I just really feel like I do need that psychological safety to just come off these meds and, and be healthy. And I just really wish there was a supportive community for that. And there are but it's just a few and far between. So I might lay here and make some videos, and because it doesn't require very much reading is just talking. But I remember last time, not having the urge to make videos at all. So that might happen again. But I could at least catch up on some of the things that I've written. And I was even thinking today about how these videos are good in a way because one day, I could just die, I could just kill myself and it could just be over. And at least by creating this daily without waiting to accumulate some kind of special protocol or how to which I don't really think is possible, then just sort of an acknowledgement of the moment and and maybe putting some of that language out there. Re languaging and playing with language. And that's the thing with a crazy wise Town Hall. They're saying how should we frame this instead of the mental illness paradigm and how do you frame infinity. We're trying to frame something that can be framed. It's this process that No words can ever capture. It's a process of life. I'll talk more about that later. So he had two weeks of dullness. But I'm starting to see that I just have to poison myself back. poisoned my brain so it can't see so much so it can process so much information. So it doesn't get lost in so much beauty. It's almost like learning to ride a horse and taking Seroquel it's like pulling on the reins like whoa, slow down. I can't go that fast. Again, it's not so much about anything. It's not about something. It's not speaking about mental illness or anything. Or speaking about spiritual emergency. It's speaking as the Spirit. So we're trying to speak about the spiritual emergency or mental illness but It's more a matter of what we're speaking as, are we speaking as human beings? Or are we speaking as human beings? The emergence process itself is to disintegrate the me. So if we speak about the me, we're actually reinforcing the me. We need to speak as that which we experienced. But as experience now, each moment, so so we could look back and, and feel how we spoke before feel the quality of where we were speaking from. We were speaking from our experiences in the moment. And so it's not about thinking about those experiences, it's about continuing to speak as the moment and you can't frame that. There's no frame for that. And so all of this dialogue I've had with myself, it's not really a me speaking, and how I feel it. Through the emergence process, we emerge into being just a human being perceiving in the moment, free of stories. So no story can tell adequately anything about that place in us where we speak from. Really, it's about speaking the story of the moment, or the perception of the moment each moment. That stories about that. There's no that there. I don't know if I'm making any sense. And I am curious about this using language differently thing that David Bohm is going to talk about in his book. I feel like just speaking, as the moment is using language differently, whether we use old ways of structuring sentences or not, it's just a different quality of where the words are coming from. Because just to learn different ways of speaking, it will actually change consciousness, eventually to because it's changing the perspective and how we see by saying, I have no idea. Again, the forgetfulness is interesting. And that's part of being scared back into regular consciousness and taking drugs to feel that taking medication, I mean, it's like taking medication to feel again, separate. But interestingly enough, the other end is that consciousness tries to separate itself from the brain and leave the body. I'd love to be able to be supported to just not medicate myself during that and see what happens.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I had an insight that psych meds in a way are artificial thought. Because the process that is induced by the universe, on the brain is actually something that's beyond thought, which makes up the personal self. It's non personal. And it's a non personal process that gets rid of some of that personal stuff, or all of it temporarily. And we're temporarily disoriented. But in a way, taking psych meds after as a way to maintain an artificial self, a functional center. It's to prevent that universal process from happening. Which makes us somewhat disidentify from our personal selves and act nonpersonally. But the structure of society as it is, doesn't know how to respond to people that are acting in this non personal way. And it eventually gets to a place where that non personal person is feared. And then that non personal person responds to that fear. And then it looks like that person has a personal problem. When really, it's a non personal problem. It's a problem of how to be in this society in this non person state. And I was thinking about how we speak the language of thought and relationship of memory past and the personal self. And I was wondering if one can speak the language of insight, and Gaia an insight into nature. And just keep speaking that language. It's a different way of relating. It's relating one's perceptions. Not relating based on past images. I'm also wondering if I can share some of my insights to myself during the day and self dialog instead of writing them down or saving them for later. We'll see. I was thinking about the concept of healing. And how we need healing because we're not playing and how mania is failed attempts at play. And treatment is to trick us back into the old tricks of societies meaningless meanings. Its remaining our remaining process. And I wonder if we were on our original childlike trajectory, would we need healing? And I wrote down, we don't need supervision, we have supervision. As in Super space vision, and I've been thinking about communication. So I haven't really unfolded what I'm thinking about it in particular, even though all of this is communication. And I looked up the term nature mysticism. And I think that describes reading nature and giving voice to nature and understanding and learning from nature. And I was listening to a talk about spiritual emergency and how the Brazilian spirit has paradigm feels like sometimes it's suppressed mediumship meaning the spiritual emergency or so called psychosis is a result of suppress mediumship or maybe not A way to say that as being highly sensitive and not using those gifts, but in terms of suppress mediumship, I was thinking, to play with those words I was thinking, we are the medium ship, or we are the mediums, ship. And by that I mean the medium is life. And we are the vehicle of that life. So we are the medium ship. Not just that we have medium ship, but we are the mediums ship, and we're not really using that ship. wisely, it would be like having a ship on the sea, or actually trying to put a car on the sea, it's the wrong ship, for that medium. We are the vehicle of human life, and we are using that life wrongly. And then we need healing. And then we need mediums to help us heal. When really the medium is life. And we're just not translating that life with our vehicle of the life that we're given. If we use a ship to try and drive through the sand, it's going to need healing, it's going to need fixing. But if the ship is in the right medium, we don't need any kind of healing or any kind of medium ship, we have the wrong meanings. And then we need healing from wrong meanings. If we weren't programmed with wrong meanings, we wouldn't need healing. And all that really needs healing is perception. Because if we can see we can make meaning. Not Be healed from bad meanings just to have new program meanings superimposed over old, obsolete meanings that only has a limited value. We only need perception moment to moment to see what things really mean. And moment to moment, to make sense with our senses are not able to make sense with our senses, because we're not sensing with our senses. We're superimposing thoughts, structures, and that blocks are senses. Because our senses are blocked, we can't make meaning. And because we can't make meaning we need healing. And I feel like I want to unfold further this whole notion of insight and insight perception and intelligence are closely related. If one can have insight, that means one has perception. And perception is utilized by intelligence. But I feel like insight is a D programming language, whereas thought structures or programs. And I thought of an interesting term, profoundly crazy, because I'm a crazy person yet. Maybe I'm saying some things that are profound, but maybe not. But anyway, it's more of a play on words that I'm profoundly crazy. Whether or not anything that I say has any kind of profundity. Maybe it has pro fun in it. As in for having fun. Duty. And I was thinking about thought, and how we feel like thought is actually healthy, except when it gets too extreme. We feel like it's okay if we have so called healthy thought. And it's sort of like playing in a stream and thinking, Oh, this is fun playing in a stream. But if it's a raging river, then it's too scary. But it's all the same stuff. And a stream can turn into a raging river through the powers of the universe. I feel like insight when one has perception and insight, it produces high quality sound and not the noise of the ego. And I was thinking about how when the ego voice inside is turned up. Then more of our brain capacity is on that. So our vision is turned down. But when the sound inside the interpretation, the map thought inside is turned down. Then our eyes naturally have to be more watchful because it's like putting a blindfold on the ears. The noise is turned down inside. On what we think is happening. And when that happens, we need to turn up our visual capacity to see what is actually happening in order to respond, because we're not responding in accordance with our programming. And I was thinking about when we hear sound on the outside, and we don't know what it is, we look around to see what it is, and we try to figure it out, get all the sounds that we have playing inside of our head are actually the opposite. They're all the things that we think we've already figured out. So the whole thought sound structure is something figuring that it has things figured out. And it tries to figure into the picture. And there are literally image sound figures in the moving picture of reality that has little to do with reality, but are figuring that they've figured it out. It's like this energy that figures it's figured stuff out. So it doesn't really have to look. Maybe it's lazy eyes. And so these sounds prevent listening with our eyes and ears. And with our whole being in the present moment, because these thoughts and sounds are a movement away from the present moment. That current light of the present moment is a current of learning delight. Learning is light, and light as perception. Can we stream learning instead of streaming thought, can we stream the mind they talk about live streaming on the internet and thought is dead streaming is streaming old dead information through our brains. Thought is dead streaming, superimposing the old over the ever new present moment. It's actually a limiter. It's limiting the energy of consciousness, light and the mind and perception, insight and intelligence. I feel like there is a switch for neurogenesis that has something to do with light and sound. So when our brains are in sound, and in light, dominant when we are playing with light and sound in our consciousness, but it's old, recycled, light and sound from memory. It's in a way recycling the brain cells. And I feel like this switch to neurogenesis is when the light comes in. And there's perception. And that alters the brain and helps it to grow. So it's this switch where instead of creating images with the sound of our thoughts, we're producing the sound of our voice in the moment, with the light coming in of perception. I feel like there could be a genetic switch there. Because Dr. Bruce Lipton talks about how perception changes, genetics. So that could even be at this cellular and DNA level, or even at the organismal level of actually perceiving with one's eyes.Last night, I read a tweet that said something about how observing a number of trees and shrubs and birds can improve mental health. And they did a study where they counted like the number of birds and varieties and things like that, that people would see. And if it affected their mental health. And it showed a positive benefit. And I was thinking, well, I like why do we need science? Like, why are scientists doing science on these like, totally obvious things? Why not just give the money to the people in the study. So they can actually go out and maybe get a bird? instead of studying the obvious. It's so ridiculous. And I had an insight into insight and sharing. Feeling like just by sharing insight, it will maybe provide insight into what it's like to see if I see and speak as that which I see. As opposed to just the me. And in this way, I'm learning a new language. And using language, in terms of perception, which is seeing in the moment, as opposed to thought and past me, constructs. And I remember when I first went into so called mania, six years ago, I was trying to create new words and new language. So I think that was actually part of the process was this instinct to create a new language based on the way my brain was now working. And maybe by speaking in that way, in that new language, which isn't necessarily different from English, but it's using English differently instead of English using us. And that would reinforce that way of seeing and communicating in the brain. So it's the brain wanting to communicate in a different way, based on seeing connections. And I was watching Krishna Murray's talk with Dr. David Bohm, called the future of humanity. And Krishna Murthy mentioned that thought dominates our relationships are that thought has become dominant in human relationships. And I was thinking to myself, well, what else could be come dominant in human relationships, and that might be speaking as insight, or speaking based on insights and perceptions. And again, it's this reversal switch of neurogenesis using the light of perception to create sound, and then doing that together and thinking together. And I had a conversation with one of my friends today. And it seems that we're going to be attempting to play with some ideas and just see what happens. And after our three hour conversation, I, I had this sense that he and I have the same brain. Like we're able to talk that way for that long because we have the same brain. Because I was in a dialogue the other day, and I raised the question. And I don't even know if I said this to myself. That if we all left all our past conditioning at the door, and we were all a clean slate, adult brain. What would we talk about? What would that conversation and dialogue look like? And in that way, I feel like his brain and my brain are pretty congruent. It's almost like, even though our brains aren't entirely conditioning free. We have these same values through our experiences, and I feel like our brains have been transformed and transmuted in the same ways. So we had a conversation and figured out that we can go about this process of being co creative, and just seeing what happens. And I think that's cool because it's a way to have dialogue with another person. To put certain things into play, because it's not just about talking about how a manic brain works, and reframing and creating that context for the manic brain to see itself as just find the way it is. But then also putting the manic brain to work. So it's one way for to see how it works. And it's another way for it to go to work. So we're going to go to work together. And we're going to go to work in the manic way. And which is just infinite and chaotic. And it's almost like this new generating ideas and putting the ideas together. And putting our brains together and seeing what happens. And it's possible that nothing will happen. And it's possible that something will happen. But we can't even really know what that is. And it might take a while for it to kind of get going. Or could I have no idea how it's going to go. But what I'm saying is I was even, I was even saying to him that even in talking with myself, I have to look at the page and then say my idea and then talk for a while and then go to the next. But in conversation with him, we talked for three hours non stop, and there was no pausing to look at a notebook. So there's no editing. So the process of talking to oneself isn't as powerful as putting one's brain together with another. Even just in creating dialogue and conversation, it's more natural, because we can just pass that energy back and forth. And he gave me permission to talk about this to myself. And I want to talk about it here and there. Because it's sort of the next iteration of the conversation is having that conversation with somebody else. And not just about the context I've created for myself, which I can't remember anyways. But what can we create when we both have brains have similar context. And I think that it's one thing to want to heal, and it's another thing to be creative. And then the concept of healing loses its meaning. And I was thinking about even my journey to want to come off meds, if I'm being called creative and able to design a life exactly how I would envision or even an alignment with the vision that I was shown and given the blueprint of in mania, then maybe that is the healing and then the need to basically coming off meds might be easier when I'm living a life that is in alignment with that vision. And the chances of me creating that vision are higher if I'm in alignment with somebody else. And I think I already talked about how psychoactive drugs in a way are a way to keep the psyche and thought, in order when the process of map consciousness is actually something beyond thought. So it's like, taking those drugs is like, artificial thought. Whereas the process of map consciousness is introducing a new form of intelligence. It's not really new, but it's new to most of us. And so it's an artificial self. And I think that's pretty similar to what I talked about with the chemical ego band aid. And I wrote down that the amount of healing we need is inversely proportional to the amount of play and laughter we have. And playing with ideas and being creative. I feel like I feel like that goes along with play. It's a creative play. Because this process, we're going to start doesn't really have a motive and it can go anywhere. So, if it turns into something creative, or business ask, it will almost be like business for manic brains. Because so many of us are thought to be non functional or having a different culture. functioning. But really, it's just that the way our brains function is not being seen. And only we can see it, those of us who experience it. So we'll be playing not just with these ideas, but playing with how we might be able to create stuff. And I feel like insight and perception and intelligence is antivirus software. So again, thought, his mind viruses, our own voice turned against ourself, and insight and perception when we see something, and we understand it changes those structures, so changes the thought and language viruses. And it's a different language. It's a deep programming language. And I also had an insight when I was falling asleep. And I actually got up and wrote it down, because I had one or two, the nights before, and I didn't write them down, and I don't remember them. And I remember feeling like, I like that one, I want to keep it. So I wrote down that if the brain is not seeing meaning, it makes up stories. So it's always making up stories about me, and, and the past and all these things. But if it's seeing meaning, it doesn't need to make up stories. Because it's hearing the language of the actual now, the meaning in the now the relationships, the relatedness. And I had the sense of that, because for some reason, I felt a little story coming into my brain about something. And I sort of just saw this relationship between meaning and stories. Stories are like past content, mixed together and rearranged, and blah, blah, blah, whereas meaning, those stories need to be quiet if we're going to see anything meaningful, because stories are seen as meaning but they're all dead meanings. Or as if we're seeing meanings in the present, which is an ever flowing of all, that doesn't feel like all because it's always just flowing, then our brain isn't going to make up stories. So to go with my co creative project with my friend, I need to see if I can get my brain back into idea mode, and how I want to share those ideas with him. And I feel like I talk about the way my brain works, to use the brain in order to see. So seeing how the brain works, the brain can see if the brain can see how it works, you can then see beyond just how it works, it can see how the universe works because the universe works on the same rules as the brain because the brain is that which we perceive the universe with. And the brain is learning this language of how to talk about how it works. In order to learn another language altogether. It's translating the brain to be primarily this sound resonating device into a device of perceiving the light and giving voice to it. And when we can do that together, we can see the same thing together, we can talk about the same thing, we can unfold the same thing, which is our vision. I have some other notes. But I don't even know if I talked about them. I wrote down that. We try to be good at remembering. But we need to be good at forgetting, forgetting all the stuff that's in our mind. So something else can arise. Because when the brain is quiet, it can respond to the whole field of the mind. And I was talking to somebody and it was interesting, because we're talking about how sound and sight go together and touch and gesture and movement. It's all this holistic thing that we separate the senses like they're these separate things, but really, they're not. By looking at somebody's mouth while they're talking. We can understand what they're saying better. So the movement of their mouth is part of the communication. So in that same way when we're perceiving holistically we're perceiving so many dimensions of the whole field. I was thinking about how sights become sound. Because I came out of a building and I looked up and I saw something I think maybe the moon or something and I said almost out loud, look at that. And I was saying it as if somebody was with me. And in a way, perception seeing something so beautiful. There's this response to give voice to it and share that. Nobody was with me. But I said, look at that. Not just, oh, would you look at that to myself. But look at that. So this perception wants to share the perception and see something together. At the same time, I think there might be a direct correlation and inverse relationship between thought and insight. And as one goes into my consciousness, one has more access to insight, the language of insight, hyper perception, and it's especially energizing and foreign the first time. But one, as one goes into those states more often gets used to that language. And I don't mean language as in just words, but the whole energy field of it, impressing upon our body, mind nervous system, and all of our senses, starts to attune us to that medium. Just like, if we practice going in cold water, we'll get used to being in cold water, and it won't really feel that cold. So it's being acclimated to those higher states or those other states. And then they don't necessarily even feel like higher states, they just feel like natural states that we have access to, just like one can train to run a marathon and have access to that state, physically. But one can also choose to walk. So and walking and running a marathon aren't necessarily better than each other is just different abilities to use one's physicality, in lots of different dimensions of what it means to be human. So it's just these other human dimensions that we might think are strange, because people don't exercise in those domains. They just fear them. That would be like being afraid of a marathon runner, because we can't run a marathon. And I might have said this one too, I need to keep track better of what I'm doing. Because now I'm writing stuff in notebooks. Because if I'm out and about, then I can just look at the notebook instead of having my laptop with my notes. But I wrote, we don't have enough random access memory, when we're accessing memories, randomly. Or even, we think we are this random access memory, this ram on the computer. But usually, there's only several gigabytes of RAM, accessing memory, but the hard drive is comparatively massive. And we can be the hard drive when we just stay in the whole field of information. And then the random accessor becomes the universal process of perception, the light coming towards us the information coming into us. I feel like we are Miss hearing and miss seeing the universe. And we don't hear the universe because we hear the me saying it's versus and I really think I said this stuff, but I don't actually know for sure. And that's the trouble with for me trying to create anything beyond just talking to myself is that I don't have any memory very vague. And I was thinking about Dr. Daniel Siegel, how he says the mind uses the brain to create itself. And when I thought about that, I sort of had this sense. I am the mind. Or when when this identifies from the ego self then one is the mind. There's no i to be the mind. It's just mind. And there was one other thing I saw this wiki article about this. Juana Maria of these islands off the coast of California. Someone told me about it. And then I read her wiki story. And it said something like she was living on this island for 18 years by herself. And then they brought her to the coast. And seven weeks later, she was dead. And they said seven weeks Slater's, she was dead from these diseases. And I was thinking to myself, no, she was in this beautiful paradise and adapted to that. And then she was brought into this toxic society. And seven weeks later she was dead. To me, it was more of an illustration of that, not that she had some kind of illness, she probably had no immunity to the diseases of society, and she wasn't adapted to that at all. And she quickly died. I just made me think of people diagnosed with mental illnesses and how, in a way, our consciousness goes to paradise. And then we come back to this world with everyone else. It's like, we go to this island of Paradise in our mind, that's also here. But our consciousness goes there. And then when our consciousness comes back here, and nearly dies, and I wrote down, make sense of the senses. And then we don't have to make sense, we just sense and I was thinking about this language that it seems my brain is learning to speak. And I wonder if I speak nature. I'm starting to learn the language of this land. The different Bird sounds, the hummingbirds, the lizards, sound of oranges falling. It goes on. When one is perceiving that and learning the language of that movement, and those sounds and those sights and those smells, what else is there and I was reading something by Krishna Murty, and, and he said, if one could be educated to discover the factors that produce order, it would have a great significance. And I have a feeling that has something to do with this language. It's the language of the order of nature, our relationship to it, and that includes us. And I opened a book, and randomly it opened to this page that said, and it was a quote by Krishna Murty, and it was the only quote on the page. It just said, when you destroy nature, you destroy yourself. And I'm pretty sure I talked to myself about how we are nature. So in speaking the language of nature. And speaking as nature, we're actually speaking as ourself. And I actually feel like, people go into map consciousness, sometimes they connect with nature and, and the pain of nature because its nature trying to communicate with us through us at a distance, because it feels that we're disconnecting from it. And that's destroying it. But it's translated into stuff against ourselves eventually, because we are destroying nature. So we're destroying ourselves. within it seems like our thoughts are destroying us. But that's one way that probably nature can destroy us is with our thoughts against ourselves. But it's just nature doing it. It's the whole of everything. There's no separation. That being said, it could happen that if it reaches a point where nature's getting destroyed too quickly. There could just be mass confusion in human beings at some point. To the point where there's more people that are supposedly crazy than sane. I feel like it would be cool to unfold some of this order. Part of that order would be seeing something for oneself. So seeing something directly versus being told and then remembering and then conforming to that as a pattern. When you can see directly for yourself. You don't need patterns, you don't need habits. There might be things that appear sort of habitual to others, but they're not necessary. We need sensitivity freedom to see And to see the relationships between things. And there's an expansiveness in that.It's 9am. And it's already really warm. And it's nice in the shade. Though I do want to get some sun time in for sure. This morning, I was again listening to the birds. And this one particular spot that there's quite the symphony of birds and a lizard. He's looking right at the sun. And there was this one particular bird song. And I don't know the kinds of birds and what they sing, but it was just so detailed and beautiful, I could just sense that they were really talking to each other. Because one would sing the song and then the other and it was quite complex in terms of the notes and, and the tempo and. And I could hear these little birds chirping, like maybe the mom bird was singing to her baby so they could learn the song themselves. And how her singing the song would almost create the brain cells, those little babies needed in order to sing the song when they grow up. Because I don't think they practice and then get the song wrong, I think they just sing it when they do sing it. So it must be in their brain somehow. But I almost started to tear up just because it's so beautiful. And then I could hear the bees buzzing, it sounded like a faint swarm all around me. But really, it's just so silent that the space is there for the bee buzzing frequency. And even when I was hearing all the birds, I had this sense that all the birds are here together. So they need to have their own song and occupy their own frequency, not just even occupying their own space and time in space and time, but having that frequency for their song. And in the same way, I feel like map consciousness is a different frequency for humans to start singing a different song, giving voice to something different. I just love the sound of the hummingbirds. They sound like little machines like I don't know if you can hear that. Just sounds like a little squeaky mechanical part. But it's this tiny little bird sitting there looking for his friends. And I took a video of the bees buzzing and I've taken a couple other clips of things, and maybe I'll share some of them throughout. Because part of it is learning to speak the language of beauty and nature. And I feel like we could speak a language of beauty just among human beings. But maybe it's easier to learn that language around nature. And I just had this insight that consciousness holds us up in gravity. So at night time we go to sleep. And it's like our consciousness has set just like the sunsets. It's still there. It's just sort of set beyond the horizon. So when our consciousness sets, it's this inner darkness where we're not really conscious, and we go to sleep and we're no longer holding ourselves up in gravity. So consciousness in a way is anti gravity. And gravity has an effect on matter. But I'm not sure if it has an effect on light. So in this conversion of matter into light through perception, perhaps gravity has less of an effect. And the other thing with the BS is I heard this loud be buzzing. And I'm going to let the crow have his time on the video. And I will occupy my own space and let him crow in between because that's fine. But the bee It was such a loud bee and I looked over and it was a big Bumblebee And it was like 30 feet away. Yet I could hear this thing. Like it was right beside me. And again, that's the silence. And I feel like the same thing can happen with silence and consciousness, then one can sense things a lot more strongly, even if they're far away different energies and vibrations, and perceptions. What do you want? And I realized last night that now might be a good time to go through my old original manic notes for some of my strange ideas. Since my friend and I are going to be playing with strange ideas, not all of them strange, but just playing with ideas together in this manic creative way and and see what happens. It's sort of like what happens when two people that have been labeled with stuff, put their brains together in knowing that their brains have something that they want to unfold and create not knowing exactly what that is, and seeing what happens. So I have been unfolding and creating this self dialogue with myself. And now what do I create with somebody else, which is something beyond just talking to myself about reframes about map consciousness and transconsciousness that as a certain value, but then understand map consciousness and transconsciousness. For what? It's one thing to create the context is the next thing to be embodied as creating with an understanding of that context. Hey, that was funny. I went Hey, and the purpose Hey, that's enough to make a video here. What is this bird understand that I'm trying to make a video? I'm trying to talk to myself. I listened to the birds all morning. And I'm done listening to the birds. Yeah, no, I don't care. Why don't you make like a bunny and be quiet bird. It seems like he's applying the principle of if you're lost. If you've lost your mom, stay put, don't move she will find you cannot go with anyone else. So he's just sitting there calling out. He is he's lost the radius of awareness because I've noticed that so many of these birds they call to each other back and forth. And the bird closest to me calls out and then I can hear a bird far far away. And they seem to stay within earshot of each other. Who knows if their hearing is more or less sensitive but Hummingbird Yeah, I don't know if this bird is gonna give me my silent external space. I remember now talking about finding dialogue partners as a kind of dating in a way. Wanting to share that space and time but not necessarily physical space. And it seems like I found a co creative brain We'll be supporting each other in our co creation, not just trying to help each other with symptoms and things. So in that way, we're acknowledging the original process and how the brain enters a creative hyper learning state. And going with that, as opposed to trying to fix our symptoms. Yet we both have this understanding that our brains might possibly go into hyperspace hyperspeed. But we'll be able to support each other in that. Again, it's about just create, it's the process, it's not about what it's not about a goal. It's not about a particular thing, because that narrows it down, part of it will possibly be showing the process of getting into a supported creative process. And it could be like being parallel quantum processors. In a way, we might need to gather more brains, but I'm not sure the other brains would really have to get it. Because we were talking to each other about how we've known each other for a year and a half. We've been having long conversations here and there throughout. So because of that, we have established trust and understand that we share the same values. I even said to him, that I wouldn't even care if he took all my ideas. They're not even my ideas. And then if he just took them all and stopped talking to me, I would only care that he stopped talking to me, but not about the ideas. Because in this process, there's an understanding that ideas are unlimited, and we can't carry them all out on our own. Nor do we want to, there's ones we don't want to even do, but maybe somebody else does. So I talked about this before how in business, a person will get one idea and I'll work 20 years on it. Whereas people with these types of brains that go into the creative stage, get 1000 ideas in a day, yet can't do anything with them. So there's this idea about the scarcity of ideas. And in a way ideas might be a new currency, and exchange, and then people that carry them out. can do so the ones that want to. So we sort of unfolded something, but who knows what will happen with it. And there'll be just part of this self dialogue by itself dialoguing about co creation, possibly. And even in myself dialogues, I've talked about things that I want to create. So it's possible that that will be made more possible throughout this co creative process, I can sort of see that it's a process of making things possible. And I had an insight I've been saying that our own voice gets turned against ourselves. But then I also realized that our own voice is ourself. It creates the ego, self and the me it's just our own voice repeating in our head. And when we see that, that's not anything at all, then it loses its strength. And I mentioned that map consciousness is a deep programming language. And I talked before about how it seems like this whole process where the brain can have altered states of consciousness is a failsafe so the brain which is a living thing, can't get programmed into machine like action and we already have but it ensures that we can't ultimately get programmed into machine like action and the D programming language is life itself. So thoughts are mechanical machinery that get us to act based on programs. And life itself is the D programming language, the energy of life and living in chaos and complexity and change and flux and flow. And also actually just seeing nature and understanding the language of nature will be programmers from being so identified with this me self that we think is so important. So life itself cannot be written over by words. And words are constructs and things we use to judge and categorize things. But by is not actually according to human categories, those categories can be somewhat useful and beneficial, but they can also be very destructive. Yet words, which are very limited and categories and human abstractions and concepts cannot write over life, life created those words. So life would not have within itself the allowance for words, which is a very small subset of life, to destroy life. So life allowed words and language to evolve, but now, it seems like that has been used to to much detriment. And so we're having people born not able to acquire language, or something like that. Words can be used to point out life's artful relatedness. Or it can be used for division. And we each have an inner dictator, it's dictating with words, what we should see and categorize and judge and, and those are all programs were moving according to, and there are no dictators, it's just thought. So I saw that very clearly last night when I was getting ready to go to sleep. And that one almost freaked me out. When I see those things that are, they can be warped in a kind of scary way. Because I feel like in so called psychosis is thought it's it's all of that energy. And it's, it nearly destroys a single person. But if one is able to see through that and, and get through it, maybe one day, one can just brush those words off one sleeve and understand that those words cannot destroy the life that one is. So even if those words are going on in the mind and consciousness, trying to get the organism to destroy itself, if one just plays there and surrenders, it can't do that words cannot destroy life. And so in learning this language of relatedness and insight, when one sees that relatedness and that we are nature, one doesn't destroy nature, and then nature starts to respond to us again. So Hummingbird I don't know if you saw that. Post. So cool. I've never won. I've never seen one in the middle of the air like that. So hopefully you saw that. Apparently, in a couple of weeks, there'll be a lot of hummingbirds here and I'll try and get some video. I feel like seeing hummingbirds heals the brain. Such a miraculous being. And the other day I heard a siren for the first time. And it was actually because I was outside walking and I was listening to some of my video. audios I've only listened to a couple and I heard a siren from the video audio. And I was like whoa, I didn't heard an ambulance or fire truck in three weeks. And I was thinking about how getting used to cold water turns off the shivering response and how getting used to manic consciousness or even just a flux and flow and consciousness turns off the the behaviors that we need to prune out response so just like if one first jumps in a freezing cold pool of water, they're going to jump out in a big reaction. So, when one gets used to this flux and flow of consciousness, this sensitivity and one starts to understand what one is sensitive to. That one doesn't have such a on off reaction like move towards a runaway, one can start to be with it and understand the richness of that and understand that staying with it will give an unfolding flowering of information. Because we're so used to with our ego judgments. Good, bad, right? Wrong, yes, no desire pain. It's just so on or off. So when we first get in touch with this richness that isn't about on or off, yes or no, we still have that response. And so we can have so called behavior problems. When it's not that it's just, we're learning how to be with that richness with the old pattern behaviors that were used to have fight or flight or good or bad or, oh, yes, that suits my little fancy that I've been programmed to be attuned to or not.Last night, I woke up, because I had a tickle in my throat, while I hadn't quite fallen asleep yet. And at the same time, I had this heart pounding, and sort of fear and sort of like this subtle fear of death at the same time, and it was really interesting. And I felt like writing down that death is a tickle in the back of the throat while falling asleep and getting used to it. It just felt like a very quick and subtle dying. But in a way, it could be good. Because getting used to that daily depth, as opposed to waiting for that big one to accumulate every six and a half to eight and a half months as it is, from my internal process, it seems. Maybe it would be better to have just a small daily one than waiting for that big one. And I was talking in my last video about getting used to the cold turns off the shiver reflex. And I wonder if getting used to map consciousness or mania or higher states and fluxing states might turn off the shiver of psychosis. And interestingly enough, when I've had so called psychosis, I usually do have a shiver response. And I also had a bit of a sense that that time when my consciousness left my body and went into a bird, and I was flying all over the place. And then it went into other things as well. But I had this thought that maybe my consciousness went into the bird to fly everywhere, and see what's happening from a perspective of a bird. So in a way, I had this bird's eye view of the world, even though I don't remember seeing it, I just remember being the bird. And the sensations of that. But I had the sense that the mind is trying to see through the brain, the one mind that makes up everything, the one consciousness, it sees through the birds it sees through brains. The brain is sort of the physical apparatus that allows the mind to see itself and all aspects of itself. So by being a bird temporarily, consciousness was able to have a bird's eye view. And it seems that humanity has its own images of me. And its own individual needs and desires and goals apart from the mind. And that actually blocks the mind from seeing itself. And it blocks the human from seeing itself as everything else, as connected and related and an aspect of the all. So I feel like in that experience, in a way my consciousness died to this body temporarily left my body and went into a higher consciousness than even being a human being, which is a bird, which maybe isn't even higher consciousness, per se, it's just as a different way of seeing. One can see further what's happening in the world. Like a bird must kind of know there's something wrong when there's not enough trees for it to have a proper community of its own species and other bird species, etc. So the mind wants to see through the human brain, because the mind is seeing through the brain full of its own stuff full of its own memories and experiences, which have nothing to do with nature. And we are nature. And it doesn't mean there's no place for human constructs, but by seeing through the mind, the human constructs would likely take their natural place because right now they're more expensive. Turning, like cancer, cancer destroys the body and humanity is destroying its body which is Earth, Earth is our real body. Without the earth, we wouldn't have bodies. Maybe that's what's missing in terms of planets being inhabited is that consciousness has to imbue the planet with consciousness in order for life, to arise from that consciousness. And it's possible that other planets could have life on it, and we might be looking right at it, and we would still not be able to see it. Because we look at our planet, and we can't even really fully be with the life that's on our planet, we can't really sense it. So if we can't fully sense the life here, how would we be able to sense the life on another planet if we can't sense the life of a bird here? And its importance? How would we even have the sensitivity to even sense other forms of life, we can't even see what's right in front of us, we can only see our own constructs. And so if we're looking for our own constructs on other planets, which have nothing to do with life, then we're never going to find it. For some reason, A Course in Miracles popped into my head. And I was thinking that map consciousness is sort of like a course in magic, which is similar to miracles. And I was also thinking that it's sort of like magic coursing through the body. It's sort of a course and being animated by that magic, which is just life. It's being animated by life as opposed to thought structures and patterns. It's being animated by the moment. And in a way, it's a different obstacle course. So normal consciousness has its ego thought structures as the obstacle course. It's trying to get past the obstacles that it itself has imposed upon itself. And by doing that, it creates the self. It's not a very interesting game does a tiny spider on my phone, doing the obstacle is the ego. And the only real thing to do is just see past it. And that shouldn't be that difficult, because it's just the sort of illusion of thoughts and sounds, and images. Just look at a real something and you're seeing past it, looking without the word about the thing that one is looking at. And it could be that the obstacle of the game, I don't know if that's how you say that the objective of the game. And it could be that the objective of the game is to live a life without the obstacle of the obstacle maker. I feel like if we're sensitive to these things, then life is rich, and we are rich, and we are richness. It's not just about the nine senses, or five senses, depending on how you look at it. They all melt together, and then they're flux and flow creates this infinite richness of sensing. So the five senses become sensitivity. And we speak is that sensitivity. It's not just about hearing and touch. It's understanding the whole language of all the senses together. And when we do that, we can actually understand the language of the sense impressions that we're getting in the moment. And speaking as that we've narrowed life down to a few desires, wants goals. So we have this very limited band of goals and desires. And we make life about seeking out that which could be an infant decimally small amount of the richness available in reality and in life. So we're looking for a needle in a haystack because we have this very selective thing that we're looking for. But if we're just looking that which we're looking at, impresses upon our sensitivity, and gives us the sense of richness, moment to moment. Not richness because of a certain thing. It's just a richness of being alive. But most of us don't feel alive because we're looking for a needle in a haystack. And we've been told that once we find that needle, we're going to be happy when happiness is being sensitive to the richness of the moment, because it's so infinite. It's so infinite. Like yesterday, I was talking to my friend for three hours, and I was on the phone, but I noticed this pink blade of grass. And I kind of meant to take a picture of it. But I forgot. And then when I got back to inside, I thought, Oh, I want to take a picture of that pink blade of grass. And I was telling someone about when I was manic I was being all creative, the very first time with knickknacks. And then I told him about, oh, I need to take a picture of a pink blade of grass. And he said you're still the same as that just in a different way. So it's still being sensitive to the relationships of things, just in a different context. And it's still very rich, but it's not as energizing as at first was because it was just such a new state to be in. And I still don't know what my consciousness would be like if I wasn't taking lithium, which seems to sort of keep me slow down to some extent, weighted down by that heavy metal still attached to the earth. So just to notice a pink blade of grass. And that's the richness, the richness is of perception. And then it's always changing, there's always something new and different. And that's, again, the richness, instead of always looking for the same kind of thing. When we're not looking for anything, infinite kinds of things can impress upon our sensitivities, and speak to us in a different language, it's the language of sensitivity, it's the language of life, instead of the language of me and what I want, what we might want is for there to be no me. And in this non wanting state, we have everything. But in a way, it's hard to believe that that's true. Because if we watch TV, we see people with things and drama and all that and we think well that's what happiness is. Because it's on TV and it's entertaining. And the people on TV must be happy because they're on TV and bla bla like it goes on like that. A show that just showed someone sitting there and then noticing a pink blade of grass. And then going over and taking a picture of it would not be entertaining. Yet to the one who's able to be in that state. It's infinitely rich in such ways that one would never watch TV. I was watching a TED talk by someone named Aaron banach. And he was talking about how to be happy by not being your best self. And that resonates for sure because I've talked about the importance of being one's best self, or that we get in touch with it in mania, but I also feel like I haven't yet re joined with that best self that I was But I also have the sense that I don't care, it doesn't matter. So I'm not yet that version of myself, and maybe I never will be, maybe it'll be something different and better. And it's not even about better or worse, it's just about having that blueprint of how to be as a human being fully living in the moment. Yet, it's important to actually not always be living fully in the moment because one is around people that aren't living fully in the moment. So one has to sort of default to programs where those are necessary. And that's part of the process of intelligence as well. It's important for me to sort of default to the program of mental patients somewhat, when I'm talking to psychiatrists not be like, Oh, I'm living in the moment, let's go for coffee, like, they would just think I'm crazy. So. But he said, we can't describe feelings. So going for happiness, when we can't describe it is kind of off. And I was thinking that with the sensitivity, when we're not thinking all the time, when we're just sensitive, we can't describe that sensitivity. It's a richness that we feel, and, and sense and perceive. And we can give voice to some of it, we can't fully describe it. So this richness, then may be talking about can't really describe it. Because if I tried to describe each rich moment, that would be impossible. But one knows when one's connected to it. So one might no one one's happy, but can't really describe that one knows when one is sensitive, but can't really describe that. And when we first get connected to that sensitivity, we try to describe it in terms of the me. And we try to describe it in terms of desire, and pleasure, pain. And all these ways. We're used to describing things yet that doesn't describe the richness, but that's the only language we know. So what I'm saying is even to learn the language of sensitivity, doesn't mean that a person can fully unfold, the richness and sensitivity of each moment, that's impossible. So it's a language of the senses. It's the language of sensitivity, not just the senses. It's not just I hear this, I see this. It's a sensitivity that is infinite within itself. And we talk about the sixth sense. It's kind of like the sixth sense. But the sixth sense is an infinite sense. It's sensing it's when all the senses, combined plus the sixth sense. So the six senses or I've even heard the nine senses. So it could be the 10th sense. They all meld together in their fluxing. So sometimes for active or infinite or active and, and it's such a flow that you can't separate those things. And then you can't separate yourself from the sensitivity that you are you can't separate yourself from from nature. I feel like this sensitivity is the richness. And he drew a little diagram where he showed happening. Thought, feeling behavior. So then he was talking about controlling one's thoughts, which that's probably one of the most common notions in terms of happiness is control your thoughts. And Krishna Murty would say that thinker is the thought. So it's just thought controlling thought there is no separate me in there controlling the thought because the me is thought and trying to control it actually creates the me because it's the center entity made up of thought I might have just ate a bug I don't know. So I drew another diagram and I don't know if it's true. And it's just for fun to sort of compare it. I wrote happening. sensitivity, per se perception, action. And the reason it goes like that is because one needs sensitivity. Otherwise one isn't going to have true perception. One is going to have deception and thought is actually deception. And he gave an example of if a train and now announcement starts and says the train is going to be laid. Then there's a thought interpretation of that Now one could hear the train is going to be late while looking at a flower pot that is on the platform and have no reaction at all to the fact that the train is going to be late. So what I'm saying is, if there's sensitivity, one could be sensitive says something else other than this announcement. And you know, thoughts in our brain in a way are just announcements, and we're paying attention to them. And then we're judging our own announcements in our brain, our own thoughts, who's judging that like, it doesn't, there's no who there is just this high. It's just this associative process. And these associations create the me because everything in the brain is associating everything to the me in relation to me and what that means for me and my day, and my efficiency, and blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, there's flowers and trees and beautiful things that one could be looking at. So what I'm saying is people don't question thought itself. And there can only be sensitivity when the brain is completely silent and quiet. Obviously, if one is going to have this richness of sensitivity of all the senses, holistically receiving everything, there can't be noise, a sound going on, that's going to mess up that algorithm, of the beauty of the flux of the richness of sensitivity. And it's just this algorithm of Me, me, me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it has nothing to do with anything. So I don't think thinking better thoughts, to feel better feelings, to behave better is anything to do with happiness. Happiness, if there is such a thing as just seeing things clearly, of course, people can be happy when they're living according to their own associative deceptions. And that process is creating the illusion of the separate me. And it's not like there's no being or entity there. But that entity, that sensitivity is being blocked by the sounds of the me, which is thought going around in circles. So that's Association, whereas when one is sensitive, the brain is more on the extrapolative holographic quantum processing state, we try to moderate feelings with thoughts. And to me feelings are the result of thinking a similar thought many times, and that sort of gets congealed into a feeling complex. So then, when one thinks that thought, again, by picking out that bit of information from the infinity in front of oneself, then one has that feeling again, and one's just addicted to that feeling. And when one is addicted to personal feelings, one cannot be sensitive. To the entire universe, one's only sensitive to oneself, the me, which isn't even real, it's just sounds about past experiences. And in a way, if we didn't have those sounds about past experiences, saying that that's actually important, we'd probably just all walk off into the forest. So it's one of the things holding us to this crummy societal structure that we've all created to imprison each other with. I'm going to go back to the hummingbirds.I just, I just witnessed the course thing about Woodpecker. picking on a roof, I'm thinking, why would it pick on a roof. But I hear a woodpecker so far away picking on a roof. And if he was just packing on a tree, that sound would not travel that far. It's like they have a cell phone. Because they're not just backing on trees, they're able to pack on metal structures that humans have created, and stay in contact at further distances. Last night, I was editing my videos. And then I noticed a 32nd clip that I had added after my last video, and I don't usually do that. But I didn't add it into the video. So instead, I was listening to an audio by Krishnamurti and David Bohm. And it was really rare. I'm not even sure if anyone else has listened to it in many years. But the exact thing that Krishnamurti says on that audio tape, it's a cassette tape, I'm using a Discman took me a while to find one that works. And it doesn't even have a rewind button. It's only as fast forward. But Krishnamurti is talking about the nothingness. And how there's nothing inward, he's saying there's no inner. There's only outer, even the brain is outer the, if there are any thoughts there outer. And it seems kind of paradoxical to some of the things he says like the inward revolution and turning inward versus turning for entertainment. But I only realized that paradox this morning. But what was interesting to me is, had I added in that clip, I would have listened to it and then listened to the Krishna Murty talk and maybe not really noticed, but I just finished listening to the Krishna Murty thing. And then I just somehow happened to watch that clip that I made. And I was saying the same thing. I'll put it in here, the magic animation of the universe and creation, and not the inner machinations of blank. And I say blank, because it's nothing. There's nothing there. There's no thing inside us. There's no me inside us. And I find that's what happens is that it's always a reversal of things like something happens, and then it's not confirmed afterwards. But just the ordering of things. I'm not sure how that works. But I just thought it was pretty interesting. Because when I was listening to the Krishnamurti stuff, I was thinking I've never quite heard him say things this way before. Yet I had just said that same thing earlier that day, in self dialog, not by planning to say it, but just actually came out spontaneously. And perhaps that doesn't mean anything at all, except that there's this connection to truth as opposed to speaking from the ego. Perhaps when one speaks as the moment there's always some relevance to truth, whatever that is, I don't even know what the word truth means. A lot of people talk about it, but it's not really one that resonates with me. Maybe because It sounds so static. And I don't really see anything as static. Even though Krishnamurti says, truth is a living thing. There's no truth. But there is a truth. It's just this living thing and being with that living thing, and living as that living thing, yet even that sounds like duality, it sounds like there's a separation, and there's no separation. So that's what he's talking about with the inner nothing is that then there's no separation, if there's an inner something, then there's automatically a separation. So yeah, I was just really struck by the fact that I heard something of Krishnamurti that I hadn't really heard before, and it was something subtly profound. And then I watched myself say it, and I had said it earlier that day, in a similar way, yet, it didn't feel subtly profound coming out of my mouth. grieving, hearing it from myself, I was just noting that it was very similar. And perhaps, we're pointing to the same thing. And the thing of that is that anyone has access to it, or no one has access to it. Sort of like we need to be nobody in order to access it, then who's the one accessing it? It's so paradoxical, it's impossible to put into words, because when one speaks words, another listening assumes there's this separation, they're speaking the words. And that separation is trying to impose something upon the other separation, but the non separation is trying to speak about the non separation. So that the other who was in even other sees, or there is a seeing, there is no separation. And there's nobody that can do that. There. So trying to see is, again, a goal or a desire, which negates the whole thing. So that needs to be negated and see how the language is just circular one can talk in circles all day long. And interestingly enough, that's what we do in our head with our ego. And we're kind of seeking for that which sees, and when one sees one can speak in circles, but from nothingness, as opposed to from ego thought, if we were to share our thoughts in our head, we could probably only speak for a few minutes, if we shared all the prominent thoughts in our head that we have on a daily basis. But if we speak is nothing then we can speak for hours, or not speak for hours, it doesn't really matter. And I have no idea if that's true, it's just a subtleness. And one has to be nothing in order to sense that subtleness and make sense of that subtleness. Even yesterday, in my video, when I was editing it, I noticed that that crow finally was quiet. And he was quiet because all of a sudden another CRO was calling in the distance. And then there was a different call. And then when the CRO that was close to me heard his friend, he had a different sound. And it was like, yeah, you found me. There you are. And it was so cool. Just to see that in the background. And I missed that one I was talking. So in talking, we miss things. I was talking to myself and self dialog, and I missed that rejoining of the crows. And how much do we miss in actuality, when we're talking to ourself in our head, but we don't see that as actually deleting most of the information. We see that as talking about the information we're receiving. Anyway, I don't know if anyone has seen that experiment. There's a video that if you look, it's about watching people pass the basketball around. And maybe I'll put the link below this video. I don't generally do that. But just count how many times the person passes the basketball. And focus on seeing if you can get the right number of passes between the people in the video. It's pretty difficult. So keep your eye on the ball. And then the next video, maybe I'll talk about the results. And this isn't new I saw this years ago, but it's just sort of illustrating this again. And I'll make more of a video later. I'm going to go have some breakfast.I was just at a dialog and I had this sense to come in dialogue with myself about some insights I might have had. And it seems like the wind wants to talk to me too. And the spot is nice and shady. It's really warm. And I do like the warm. But it doesn't go well with technology, my phone feels like it's gonna explode, because it's so hot. Plus, the sun shines in my face, or it's shining in the screen. Blah, blah, blah. And we were talking about social responsibility, and sort of some of the debacles in the world right now. And there was this. I'm not sure I don't generally talk about dialogues I have. Because generally, I don't have dialogues with other people, but myself. So I'm not sure if I want to give the context of the dialogue or just the insight that I had. But I'm sensing that I came up with a question what happens when we don't see any problems? Because there's the whole idea about problems out in society, and what can we do about them. But if we meet another person with the background of the problems of society, we're not really meeting that other person. And if our awareness is focused on the promise of society, then that will prevent action in the moment, because we're not responding to the moment or responding to the program's of societal problems we've been trained to respond to through media. And when we have that, in our awareness, there's no way we can act fully adequately in the moment. So what happens when we don't see any problems. And that's not to say there aren't any problems. But if we're meeting the moment with past problems, we can't meet the moment and solve a problem in the moment that's actually there. We can't even see that problem, if there is one. So Krishna Murty would say the brain has to be free of all problems in order to solve problems. So if our brain is full of problems, and we meet the moment, we can't solve anything. And I wrote down that problems are just words. So I could be thinking about the words of the problems of society right now. That's just a bunch of words, and what's actual as what's right in front of me. And I think I want to go through some of it quickly, because there's so much of it, and I don't want to be editing videos too much. Maybe one a day not too. And I was thinking about thoughts and how, when our thoughts are continuously going, they lead us to sleep, just like TV noise when we're falling asleep. It'll make us go to sleep for a lot of people. Whereas if we're just about asleep, and somebody comes in the room and turns the TV on, it's gonna wake us up. So I was thinking that when there's more space between thoughts, than arising, thoughts might actually have more of a waking up effect. But when they are droning on constantly and repeating, then they actually just lowest asleep. And I was only thinking about that in terms of maybe thought appeared in evolution or in the consciousness of human beings as a warning system. And there was some element of being able to predict and think about things. But it has taken on a life of its own and established that there's this me thinking, when really, it could just be thoughts arising in consciousness that have some value if they're spaced apart. But if there's no space, it drones on. And then we're actually asleep while we're awake. Because that thought stuff is going on and our attention is on it. So we actually feel like we are awake because it is supposed to wake us up in a way. Not not supposed to supposed to. But Originally, it was to, perhaps help keep us alert. Just like somebody coming in and turning on the TV right when we're about to fall asleep. It would wake us up it'd be a jolt, but it's no longer a jolt because it's just one after another after an Another, so perhaps thought with lots of space with no thinker, so there's no problem with thought innately. But to think there's somebody thinking the thoughts. And that happens when there's no space between the thoughts. Because the non space, the constant drone creates this illusion of a thinker. Wh

So I'm on the train to California. On the way to live in my dream. I guess I'm already living the dream because I'm already in California. A little bit nervous crossing the border, I only had one hour sleep because I couldn't sleep. And so it was pretty rough, I was feeling bad about leaving. Now that I'm over the border, and I'm actually in California on the train, I feel good. And last night, I slept probably five or six hours, so it wasn't too bad. Considering I was sleeping on a train. I've taken this trip twice before. So I already knew that I liked the train ride, very relaxing. I'm in seat number one in the very back car, very back of the train. For right now I'm in the observation car and I just got a coffee. And I'm just wondering. And I'm just wondering if I'll ever stop wandering. I was feeling like, I was feeling like, I didn't want to leave my family and friends. But now that I've left, I feel good. Not that I won't miss people, I definitely will. But I feel like I made the right choice. And I packed up my place. And it's still there for me. But I don't know if we'll be gone a couple months or more than a couple of months. And I was talking in my last video about whether I'll be continuing to talk about mental health. And on the way down, I was reading the book on dialogue by David Boehm brought my noble character to talk about stuff, maybe I'll go get it after. But he was talking about dialogue. And he was actually talking about how important it is to have dialogue. And even if there's two different factions of a group, it's important for them to have dialogue. And if you can't have dialogue with them, perhaps some dialogue about them, not about them in opposition, but in about what one feels their meanings are. And it sort of made me think about my views on this whole mental health thing versus views of the mental illness paradigm. And I don't think they're totally mutually exclusive for them. The other thing he said was, if you can't do either if you can't have a dialogue with the other group or with yourself with your group about the concerns of the other group, and just have dialogue with yourself. And I thought that was really interesting, because that's what I've been doing since pretty much a year now actually. Because I made a couple of videos before I was hospitalized last year. And I was talking very lucidly and coherently and then I was hospitalized. And I've been listening to what I was talking about in June, after I was hospitalized last year in July, and oddly enough, I don't really mention too much about what happened. I think I was just too traumatized to say much about it. Though I didn't listen to two of them. So I might have talked about it more in the other videos, but I'm finding myself still having my brain go to mental health because actually think is the same phenomenon of consciousness of these changes in consciousness is just a change in consciousness. That happens to be called mental illness. Because the other side of that change can be terrifying. Then it's turned into this lifelong, terrifying personal problem. And I've already talked about that a million times. I'm hoping to continue to have dialogue about it with myself in new ways. I made some notes on what he was saying and that's all dialogue book. And even in the few videos I've watched of my own. I was surprised I was even talking about people acting as a whole organism together, which is the whole teal organization thing, which is something that I just discovered. So I guess the concepts are already out there. People have already already discovered these things matter of perhaps just having dialogue. So I'm really hoping to be able to participate in dialogues. And not always refer to mental health stuff. But I might be, I might be thinking a bit in terms of mental health stuff in my mind, but maybe I can translate it as I speak to I don't know. The other thing I have to be careful of is that where I'm going, I don't know, if they have a lot of Wi Fi, or what I'm trying to say is I can't make gigabytes full of video and have them upload to the cloud, I might have to get an external hard drive. The one I was gonna bring, broke, has all my pictures on it, so tough to figure that one out. So I should be careful not to make my videos too long, so they don't get stuck in the cloud or things like that just be really quick, and concise. For now. I just wanted to do a video showing that on my way to living the dream, I don't really feel excited because it just feels natural, just feels right. Maybe that's one of the reasons why we get kind of excited, so called psychosis in a not so good way, because just things don't feel right. This world doesn't feel right. And I don't know how to make it feel right. But this is embodiment here. All the stuff I was talking about. And even in my first videos that I was listening to, before I took that job, that extra job. I was saying I don't know if I should work in mental health. And I was even saying I quit my other job in mental health, which I actually did end up taking back. So this is me putting mental health for a number of months, though I might still be having it on the brain. There's just a lot of garbage along the train route with garbage, old factory stuff, old industry that probably was active 10 or 20 years ago. So just within 10 or 20 years, things are just a big heaping mess of garbage. Whereas if the land was living in 10, or 20 years be flourishing. Anyway. So yeah, I'm not sure how much I get so many videos or if I want to, I think that I will, I think that I want to continue with self dialogue. Maybe some people will be willing to dialogue, on video together, because I do know that leading up to leaving, I was just really missing people. And when I was around people, I felt I felt fine. When I was just by myself, I didn't feel fine. And it's not an insecurity thing. Because I actually do really enjoy my own company. I think it's just part of how we're wired as human beings to be around people in dialogue, in friendship in community. And that's the thing about recovery. It's always Well, once you get your own place and you have your own little individual space and blah, blah, blah, these definitions of society will then you're recovered. Well. That doesn't always work long term for people. We're actually wired to be with other people. And not just in a romantic way with family and having our own family. That's one way to go about it, but it's not the only waySupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Welcome, welcome. And I want to say, today is world Suicide Prevention Day. And this topic is close to me, because I did lose a family member to suicide as well as I've been very close to it myself a few times because of dissociation, and having one part of me witnessing and observing another part of me, in the act of getting close to ending my own life. So the part that was watching didn't want that to happen. And then there was another part that was an acting that was getting closer and closer to it happening. And this other part of me felt very helpless. And yeah, somebody close to me did and their life, and I've had experiences and feelings where I didn't want my life to go on. But then it passes and it gets to a place again, where I enjoy living my life. So I just want to say, keep going and keep, keep trying, you never know when you'll get to a place where you really feel like you just want to live forever. And and another thing that's been happening recently is that I feel kind of conflicted about what's going on in my life and in the world. And I talked about with myself before how I wanted to, to step away from the mental health paradigm and get into a paradigm that I feel that my experiences that have been called bipolar have been pointing to, it could be said, that is sort of like another dimension or otherworldly in a way. And I was feeling like that. It's almost as if that magic world is more real, than this reality that we're all in right now, or most of us are in there could be other people that are here with us, but not really living in experiencing the consensus and mainstream world that that we are, and they might not even be able to sense it, they might not be able to sense that anything negative is going on or affecting the people of the world right now. And I do feel that part of the experience of bipolar, at least as I've experienced it is that I have a sense of that other world where everything, not everything, but things are generally operating on a different algorithm. different values, different ethics, different morals, different laws of physics, different consciousness, where it's not based on division, but it's based on oneness. And I feel like I was there. And I feel like I know I was there. I'm aware of it. And I feel like I know that now I'm back here where I'm sensing the mainstream troubles of the world. And I said to myself quite a while ago now that it seems like we're living in a mass psychosis. And I'm not the only one to say that. I came across YouTube channel called Academy of ideas. And, and they're talking about today's times as as a mass psychosis. But I thought to myself, and I said it to myself long before I discovered that channel and that video. So it was another one of those experiences where it kind of gets confirmed afterwards. Maybe if I said it out loud, my phone heard me then it's more likely than it will that it will be in the algorithm. And that could be or in the YouTube feed the algorithm for my YouTube feed, but that could actually be a benefit of saying something out loud. A lot of people I don't know what percentage but certain amount of people would think that the listening capacity of the phone is the detriment. But it could also be that it is a helpful thing because if we're saying something out loud to ourselves or someone else then that confirmation will show up in our YouTube feed. But then of course that can be that can be calm. formation bias. And something that I'm looking into and researching for the second book that I'm writing is confirmation bias or cognitive biases in general. And there are a lot of them. And the word bias is a bit biased towards negative i think we think of a bias as a negative thing. But of course, it's not all negative. And we have these biases. And there's probably a lot of scientific studies as to why we have these biases in general, partly to conserve energy, and to help us in making decisions faster than if we had to consider all the data separately. Or consider all separately, each time we made a decision like imagine we had to do that, we'd have to go back to the beginning of time of human psychological evolution, and perceptual evolution in order to figure things out, and that just would take too long, it would take that entire time that it took to get to that place. So it's a time saver to have these cognitive biases. But I'm curious about them in the book that I'm going to be writing. Because I feel that some of our biases change our cognitive biases, they change in mania, or in different parts of the bipolar spectrum or process. And by looking at the biases that have been researched, we can get clues into what's happening for us, in that we can just read about the bias, and then extrapolate it to our experiences. So for example, there's something called the fundamental attribution error, and says, we judge others on their personality or fundamental character, but we judge ourselves on the situation. So if something happens, we will say that, for another person will say that it's a character flaw, but for us, we'll say, well, it was because of this. And because of that, in our life situation that that happened, it wasn't a character flaw. And that is just one example of a cognitive bias. And then to go with that, there's something called the self serving bias where our failures are situational. So again, we just got to kind of blame the situation, but our successes are because of our personal responsibility. And, you know, in a way, we can say that in mania, our our successes are because of mania, and the situation of mania rather than, you know, our personality as we are an ego, or it could be because of our our manic personality. So we cannot we can say it's mania as a situation or mania as like a personality trait or an alter ego in a way. And also, there's something called in group favoritism, where we favor who are in our in group, as opposed to an outgroup. And for me, when I thought about this one, I was thinking about something that I'm going to be pointing out in all three of the books that I'm writing is that in a way, we need to as people who go into manic consciousness, get into this idea of in group favoritism, we need to use it to our advantage and favor the people who are also manic who, you know, maybe we've met other people in a mental health center or something. But if it's in a mental illness paradigm framework, we just sort of keep this division in place. Whereas if we see that we're in this group of people who sometimes have certain qualities and characteristics and we can channel those together, when we do have them as a sort of in group, then this in group favoritism can be used as an advantage. Right now, or in group favoritism is more about advocating for acceptance of our illness from people on the outside of our group, and also, you know, not being stigmatized, and there's definitely a place for that. But, again, for me that allows us to forget some of the positives. And I think that if we also have an in group and we favor the positives, there's a lot more that can come about there. And we might be able to anchor in some of those positives as well, instead of anchoring in the negatives, and sort of, in a state of grief and and victimhood, and of course, there's a place for that, too, there's no problem with that. But there's a lot more that we can do with what we are not as much encouraged to look at, which are the positives. And the bandwagon effect is that it's another cognitive bias. And it's the ideas fads and beliefs grow as more people adopt them. And again, that can be seen as not so good, it can be seen as a negative thing. But I do feel that people who experience mania, we do need to create a bandwagon of more people banding together that have that and being able to capture some of the ideas and beliefs and and work them out and integrate them. Because if we're not on a bandwagon together, we're in it separately. And we're like these dots that go up into mania, and then we fall out separately. But if we're we band together, then we can create more of a ripple effect. And I don't know if this is true. It probably has been done in some domains, like in resisting stigma or trying to bring that down from for instance, I see a lot of great people on Instagram advocating in that way. And I started to post funny memes of mania. And some other people, I noticed they're doing the same. So they might have already been doing that. And I just didn't see until I started doing it. And the algorithm showed me more of what's happening. So but that's kind of how it works, too, right? Like we all have our own online presence. However smaller, bigger if we have. If we're just sort of using these as information sources, the more that we do certain things online, the more we'll experience that and that will create a collective effect as well. And there's another cognitive bias, which is groupthink. And so due to a desire for conformity and harmony in the group, we make irrational decisions often to minimize conflict. Well, I think an example of this could be the decision to focus mainly on defending mental illness and stigma and things like that. It's a type of group thing. And I think we can equally focus on a group thing based on the positives that we experience and looking into harvesting those things. So I think that instead of having groupthink in one way, which is encouraged, we can start to group think or think together in another way. And all also a false consensus, cognitive biases, we believe more people agree with us than is actually the case. And actually, don't. I do think that a lot more people agree with me then? Then I think so I do think that more people will agree with me. But I don't know if that is the case or not, because I haven't really encountered that many people. So I could be totally off base here. No, when I see things like speaking and focusing mostly on the stigma aspect of mental illness, maybe I'm off base by saying hey, like, let's put some of our energy in another direction. And I do think I fall into this curse of knowledge. cognitive bias, where once I know something, I think that everyone else does too. And yeah, I think I think that, which kind of contradicts what I said about the false consensus, but I think that most people who have experienced mania already know that, that maybe the world works in a different way that maybe there is a different way to live life. That may be the reality we think is real is not as real as the one that we experience in mania, I do feel that a lot more people know that. Because if I've experienced it that way, then maybe others have to. But then after the fact of the living experience, we're told to experience it or recontextualize, or experience in a totally different way. And it's a complete shift in how it might have felt. And so another example of a cognitive bias is the spotlight effect. We overestimate how much people are paying attention to our behavior and appearance. And we probably feel that in mania, for sure, like that one gets amplified. So there's a lot more cognitive biases, here, and then some of them shift. So there's one, the status quo bias, we tend to prefer things to stay the same. changes from the baseline are considered to be a loss. So this is a bias. I think that totally changes in mania, we don't necessarily prefer things to stay the same. mania is a challenge of the status quo at the very core of our being, and it ripples out from there. And so that would naturally change as we as we go about our day. So that's just an example of some of the things I'm going to be looking into for the second book. And there's a lot more as well. And, for example, this one, I'm going to talk more about different human potential lenses to go with mania. And some of them include comparing mania to the flow state, as well as looking at it from a purpose, base, or teleology versus ideology, which is a cause. So most of it focuses from the illness paradigm on the cause, and not the purpose of it. So it could be the purposes healing. It could be the purpose is to find new meaning in life that could be the purpose is to derail a certain path that we're on. So we take another path could be the purpose is to save us from a path that would ultimately lead to our demise. But when we just say, Oh, it's a mental illness, then we miss out on those types of possibilities. And there's definitely a lot to do with synchronicity and mania. And I find when I'm trying to research stuff, or when I'm having ideas into aspects of this, that sometimes I think I miss a big chunk, like I miss a big chunk about synchronicity, like most of it is quite synchronistic in mania. At least it was for me. And so it's almost like, how do you talk about air? Like, how do you write a chapter on air? And or water, you know, as it pertains to daily life, it's just sort of like it's the background, it's part of the fundamental nature. So it's hard to tease it out unless you actually live it and breathe it and drink it. So I was a little bit like that. For me when I wrote a couple sections in the first book about mania. It's like, it's so subjective, and it's so unique. I think a lot of the underlying fundamentals and principles are similar, but everyone's experience as in the details is unique. But then, yeah, the way it works, or the physics of it, or the the story behind it is there are common themes. And and there are common insights and perceptions about the inner workings and the secrets of the universe, which we can distill and, and obtain just by living fully and they feel new because before we were sort of living a mechanical life like a cookie cutter life, when we all of a sudden start living, the opposite of the cookie cutter life like the life that is us and designed for us. Then and created by us, then all of a sudden, we can start to ascertain all these unique bits about reality. And, and I do feel that it's possible that one day that people won't ever be derailed from that, they'll have that connection to that unique path that they came here to beyond from the beginning to the end. And so it won't be like figuring out the secrets of the universe and having them as concepts in mind, especially when we come back to Earth in a way, as we mostly know it, then we have these thoughts about how things were different and how reality was different and how kind of the laws of physics, the laws of nature, the laws of the universe, the laws of human social interaction are different. But I don't think we would have that juxtaposition if we were continually on that path. And, you know, maybe that sounds a little bit idealistic. And in my experience, and in my kind of theorizing, I do have the concept of the adjacent light body, which is the version that is sort of just like one Planck length away in terms of vibration from now, or many, maybe many. But we can kind of, that's the version of ourselves that was never moved off the original trajectory. And, and so the experiences in that trajectory are slightly different. And so I think it's possible in mania, that we take a little small quantum leap into that other being ness. And that's why all of a sudden, we have all these powers and, and strengths and talents and gifts that we never had before, while we had them, and we would have had them from the very beginning, and they're always there. And we can shift into that. And we do shifted into that and mania. And it's a very small jump, but it's a very big jump at the same time. And it's hard to come back, like there's a very big resistance to coming back. But one must come back in order to actually be coherent and, and congruent with the reality that most of us are in. And so so that's why it's hard again to talk about synchronicity and, and mania. And it's more interesting to talk about the fundamental principles are the underlying patterns, as well as how they relate to some of these patterns they've observed in the frontlines of science, as well as human potential. And so, you know, I also talk about mania and bipolar, comparing it to embodied cognition. And if you wonder what that is, it's, it's popularized by the work of Amy Cuddy and the power poses. And it goes much beyond that in mania, and you know, power posing is kind of like preschool and mania is like, you're in Mensa, and you have five PhDs, but without ever having them. So that's sort of how you know the society, we live in it. It's already proven that it dumbs us down. You know, it's, it deprives us of oxygen and deprives us of so many things. And, and because of that, we're kind of all in this suppressed and oppressed state. And if that wouldn't have happened, you know, quote, we'd be somewhere else altogether altogether. And so I also talk about comparing it to Dr. nirn Berg's work around being a hero, right, like everyday hero, and he's the one that did the Stanford prison experiments, more also extrapolating it to the self esteem prophecy, and sort of like selective attention and the salience networks in the brain as well as near death experiences. So and more. There's a lot more to do with that. And you know, it's all it's kind of just like a fun game to write about it. It's not meant to be proven. It's sort of like okay, I saw this reality with my own eyes, and now I have certain thoughts about it, and lo and behold a lot of what other people are saying who may or may not have touched this other reality, but they're deducing it from their experiments and things that they're doing completely correlate with mania. And so I feel like if we can do that, all of a sudden, we can get a huge upgrade in our software download of reality. And then when we join together, and the thing is, I'm pretty sure we don't even have to join together physically, in terms of being in the same room, or even being aware of each other's existence, per se. It's something that we can do silently. And that's the beauty of it. Because otherwise, it wouldn't work, right. Like it wouldn't work to change human consciousness through the ways that we try to change it right now. And it would probably happen pretty quick. Just like with an individual mania, like right now we're in a collective psychosis, we need a collective mania. That's really what we need. And I think that what with what's happening right now in the world, it's, it's to make us be against each other, right? And that's not going to work. And so that's why I feel like if there's this small group of us, who kind of know how these other principles work, and we, we put them to use, and we put them to work, not even by trying, like, it doesn't work by trying, right, it doesn't work by drawing, anything that we try is within the realm of what we've already tried. So we have to not try and try to not try. And I think, yeah, I really do think that what I felt, and maybe what you felt amania, there's some kind of mission behind this is, is, is true. And I think it's visible more now than ever, it's really obvious. And if you go through all the dialogues I ever had with myself. And if I did, I know I've said more than once that there'll be a point where the world gets divided, and there'll be sort of like, a sort of higher vibe and a lower vibe. And I just felt like that was true. And I actually felt like I went into the higher vibe in mania already. And it kind of was already always divided. But you know, the people and the beings in the higher realm that I went into, briefly, or Yeah, relatively briefly, they're always just kind of chillin, gracefully, humbly waiting for us to catch on. Right, they can't try, they can't try to convince us, they can't, they never tried to convince me, I could tell that they saw me and they interacted with me and everything, but they, they didn't try to convince me of anything. So I'm not trying to convince anyone, as well. But I do feel it's time to be a bit of a bridge, you know, it's time to be a bit of a bridge and, and bridging with language. And language is the focus of the third book that I am writing. And that one's gonna take a little bit longer. But there are definitely some really interesting points worth pondering. And again, it's, it's about re framing and recontextualizing what we experienced, what we're told our experiences meant, and what they could actually mean. And then if they actually mean something else, which could be something that I've said or something that, that you've thought, and if I say something that you've thought or close to it gets, it gives your brain permission just to relax into that, which you already know. And you already experienced for yourself, and then there's no effort, right? So from that, yeah, I don't know. Again, it is world Suicide Prevention Day. And I'm, it's really hard to believe that one of my loved ones went away because I thought it would be me you know, I thought I would be taken away by some kind of force that was just pulling me but it It hasn't happened yet. And I don't want it to happen. So I just really hope that if you need help reach out for the help that's available. Now, it's not the best help. But it's, it's the main help that we have. And it's better than, it's better than nothing. Sometimes it can feel like, It's worse than nothing. I've been there. But get getting through that suffering is really, if you get through it, when you get through it, I'm not gonna say it, but when you get through it, you've really processed it, you've really done the world a favor by processing that and, and feeling all of that with every fiber of your body. And it really, once you've experienced it like that, it it takes some of it away from the world, you know, again, if I'm suffering that much, or you are, it means that somebody else isn't. And, you know, that could be like a really weird belief or something. But from my experiences, I've had many experiences that have shown that to me directly to be true, that I can even tell myself, you know, I'm processing this for me, for somebody else, I don't maybe I don't even know who they are. And because I'm feeling a disproportionate amount of pain to anything that's happening in this moment now. So it has some of it's related to some other moment, right, some other moment that wasn't processed. And so it's important just to, you know, keep your body safe and, and seek help. And don't let that suffering trick you into ending the body before the suffering ends. And because it will end there is a mercy. There is a grace, and I don't think it's religious, I think it's, it's scientific. It's, it's quantum physical. And so you can do it just stay on this journey and stay on Earth, you've come back, you come back from the high states, to the low states in order to share a message and there is some kind of mission. And we all feel it, right? If we all if we all feel it, those of us who go into hypomania, does that mean it's a sign of illness? Or do does it mean it's a sign that there is some kind of mis mission, there is some kind of message, we just need to figure it out? It's a big job to figure out the mission of the universe, or one of them, right? Because there's many missions in many different movements and many different organizations. Why can people who experience mania have a mission of some kind together, that has different elements and facets? Many people form organizations, and I'm not saying we need an organization, but many people form organizations and movements around something they experienced. So why can't we we fall into a vulnerable state and often a depression or a psychosis or both. And so that vulnerable state is time to heal. But doesn't mean to forget about mission like, it just means we need to rest and heal. And, and, and ponder and, and figure out what it is. That's how I feel. And it doesn't even have to be a big rah rah thing. Like, it can be a personal thing, where we're figuring out our experiences and recontextualizing them, and talking to ourselves about them. And writing about them with ourselves and seeing what else the universe gives us to process and to look at with our gaze. You know, when we're looking with that gaze, and it's not through the ego process, we are directly looking as the universe. And that is a feedback that changes the algorithm of the universe. So it's very important that we process this stuff. You know, maybe sometimes we write down something in a bit of a frenzy, like channeling, and we never look at it again. Well, we have to look at it because the universe doesn't even know what it wrote down until we let look at it. And we don't either. And then we realize that we are the universe so many, many layers there. I hope there was something for you. Lots and lots of stuff coming out. And I will be starting up a bit of a mailing list for more so until the next time we speak, stay safe, stay positive and and explore your human potential.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

There's five days left until I leave for California. I'm feeling like it's kind of like bipolar Meets World. I'm hoping to go for quite a few months. And when I get back, I was thinking that maybe I'll continue to wander a little bit, I'm not sure. When I get back, I want to bring ecpr here. And I also want to come continue with a low stress lifestyle in order to maybe come off my medications, I don't know. And perhaps with the help of EMP, or q 96, which is pretty much the same product, just called different names. And I got an email from the truehope people today, and they make that product. And there was a study done on their product. And I didn't read the study, but I read the abstract. And it said that I had 15 months of taking MP, as well as medication for psychosis. People that took the MP as well as the medication, got to reduce their meds a bit and also experienced less symptoms. And there wasn't really a difference until the 15 month point. And then there was even more of a difference and a benefit at 24 months. And I don't know how much they were taking and what medication they were taking and blah, blah, blah. But I will only been taking this EMP one a day for a month and a half. So I have a ways to go before it has an effect. At least with the protocol they used that I don't know. But I do know somebody who sells q 96. And they emailed me yesterday, and I had emailed them a while ago. But they finally got back to me yesterday. And I could have called them today, but I didn't. So maybe I will tomorrow and have a conversation because they might know a little bit about using it to come off lithium. And they did mention that usually, a person has to come off lithium very quickly when taking higher doses of EMP. So that's not something I'll do right now, because I'm leaving in five days. But when I get back, it's definitely one of my goals. And I had a crisis recently while taking lithium. So trying to come off of it. Maybe I'll have a crisis. But I have, I have the many way while taking it. So maybe it's not really benefiting me anymore. I don't know, we'll see. But for now, today, I picked up my lithium for my trip. So lot of lithium. And I was thinking about if I'm able to come off lithium one day, it would be a fun little ritual to go up to house ion springs, which is a lithium spring has a high level of lithium and dump the little capsules, open them up and then just dump them into the spring because we don't want to waste the lithium. And it'd be kind of fun to just give it back to the earth where it belongs and absorb it in proper doses by sitting in the spring. And so today I was doing some packing pretty much just throwing stuff in a corner. And I have to decide what to take. And I'm trying to decide which pair of rollerblades to take with me. I could take with me, my my hip nose gates, they're a little bit heavier. They have this fancy thing where you can take the blade off, I won't take it off but you can actually take off the wheels and then walk around. And considering that I'm not driving. These might be handy to have to actually skate around and maybe pick up something to eat and be able to do that very conveniently. Or I could take my kind of stylish K two skates, they have some really good bearings in them, some pretty good wheels. So I have to think about that. The hypno skates are also easier to pack, because I can take the wheels off, and then squash them in my bag a lot easier. And if I was driving down, I would take my mini trampoline and jump on the trampoline on the beach. But I'm not, I really feel like I have to mentally prepare for this change because I won't be working in mental health. Maybe I'll be talking about something totally different in my videos, I won't be connected with my community, I won't be connected with my family. And I feel a little bit afraid. But I also have this feeling that once I get there and see the sun and the beach and get settled that I'll feel perfectly fine. So I have five more days. And I feel like I need around a day total for packing and moving stuff around in my place in case it gets rented out. And tomorrow, I'm going to go spend time at the clubhouse hopefully all day. See people I really feel like I miss people right now. Don't really like being alone. And I want to spend a day with my family. So that's two days. Probably a full day for just last minute stuff. And then I have two more days of time. Today I did a bunch of laundry. I got a few things from the grocery store and got a coffee from Tim Hortons so I could roll up the rim, but I didn't win. And I need one more sticker for my McDonald's coffee card. And I saw a McDonald's cup on the road when I was driving. I thought it was funny because if I would have pulled over there was probably a sticker on it. But I didn't. Because it was sort of in the middle of the road. And that would have been really weird. But I thought there it is, there's my sticker. And I have to decide if I'm going to bring things like my hairdryer and my hair straightener. Or if I'm going to go curly while I'm down there. And if I'm going to bring my vitamins or just buy them when I'm down there. I think I'm going to go for packing lighter. And I've been writing in this notebook, but I've been writing stuff and I feel weird about crossing the border with it. So I'm gonna bring a blank notebook. And hopefully I remember to go back to this notebook when I get home. Or maybe it won't matter by then I feel sort of like, with my forgetfulness, being away for an extended period of time. I'll come back and I'll just forget everything. And maybe I'll feel kind of lost and and that could be a good thing. I was thinking about how do you really cool too. When I do get a place to live, make part of it appear center of some kind. Because I have a lot of different things and stuff and I kind of want to share them. So be cool to make it a library with different resources and other things where people can come and that way. It's like starting a little community or something. Because I've also thought about living with roommates or I'm not sure what to do because the trouble is, I'm vegetarian and I don't like the smell of cooking meat all the time. And so I am a little bit picky those ways and so it might be difficult to have something like that but and then I do want to work on the peer respite or the Dream Center stuff. I just feel like I'm gonna forget everything. But I guess that's what's cool about talking about stuff on video is that I've talked about it with myself already. Maybe this next phase, or this next bit is about looking for that which I've talked about, instead of sitting here talking about it, living it out. And I really hope I can trust that. Because right now, I have this comfy little place, and I don't like noise. But technically, I could move my comfy little place to another comfy little place and continue to be comfy. I guess I worry that when I come back, I'll just create this comfy little place again, and I looked over at the clock and next week, at this time, exactly 555 on Thursday evening, next week, I'll be in California getting off the train at my store, I want to step off the train life is going to be totally different. And that place is definitely higher energy level. So I think they'll automatically be at this higher resonance. And here's the abstract that paper was talking about. adjunctive treatment of psychotic disorders with micronutrients. I typed up a document of alternatives and options talking about safety, and respite and groups and different things. And I hope to work towards creating some of that when I get back. But maybe I won't even feel like I resonate with mental health anymore, I'm not sure. And when I go to California, I hope I don't have so much mental health on the brain, I hope that I can release that and just, just be and I wonder if I'll get a chance to have conversations with myself or fob having enough conversations with others. And also, I don't know if we'll have to make audio instead of video because I don't know what the Wi Fi is like down there. I have pretty fast Wi Fi for uploading these and transferring them and things like that. So we'll see what it is that I can do when I'm down there might have to make shorter videos, and longer audios, or just shorter videos. I'm not sure I was making more notes after my last video. So maybe I'll talk a little bit about them. I was talking about how when the brain switches to perception mode instead of remembering mode, thought mode, it's running on light. Light is the fuel and light is the nutrition as opposed to sound, old sounds. Which is all brain cells vibrating and resonating together. On the brain cells run on light, new light. Then the brain cells grow and then they produce new sound and the new sound is in order to share that light with others or make it so others might be able to see that too or see that way too. Or see not really see that per se but just see for themselves because once the seeing for oneself process begins and never ends. And then a person doesn't need self help books and all that because one can see. And the ego is a soundscape of brain degeneration mainly Because it's stuck in old sound, so it's not growing with the new light that's coming in to be perceived. I feel like when we are in touch with perception, we speak as the brain and as perception, instead of as ego thought, and all the games of all those sounds that we've been programmed with. And I'm wondering what sounds can be created, so that other people can create their own sounds, new sounds, the sound of seeing. And in that way, seeing and listening are the same thing. They're both frequency and vibration. So we see light, and it's faster. So it's like this flash of insight. And then it takes a little bit of time for the words to form kind of like when we see lightning. And then we have to wait a little bit for the thunder and the thunder is just not one loud boom, it's usually some crackles. And it's sort of unfolding. It's almost like a sentence. It's not just one letter. So it's the mathematics of light. byte produces sound when we see its visual mimetics. And I was thinking about how if we produce healthy sound based on perception, instead of having these old stale sounds in our head. And if we produce healthy light, as in the light coming out of our eye, which is clear, which is not judging, but open and receiving, which it needs to be in order to actually produce these sounds just like lightning, the light hits our eyes, and then the words form like thunder, and then we can roll them out. And we don't have access to this world of light this insight, if we have these old, stale sounds in our mind, because the light coming in wants to produce new sound. But if it's clogged up with old sound, there's no space for this new sound to arise. we're so busy, reading recombining old abstractions that we don't have space for the new sound. And it's sort of an epi perception, it's perceiving. Whereas perceiving through the ego is sort of like endo perception, because we're perceiving just what's percolating inside. And I've often wondered, if there were less human beings on the planet, and the earth started restoring itself? How would the animals come back? The ones that are extinct, and it came to me that we're actually consciousness around which matter organizes itself. So the consciousness of those beings of those creatures is still around. But there's no environment for them to live, it was destroyed. So then they can't actually come back. But if the environment was such that they could, they would likely re materialize and be there. I don't know if that's true. But it gave me some hope that that could be possible, because I imagined that one day that Earth will regenerate. And how will those animals come back because the animals are needed just as much as the environment. And consciousness organizes matter, and it gestures matter, and it moves matter. And I was pondering about if consciousness, each organism has a certain amount of consciousness, whether it's a fly or human. And a human consciousness comes with a certain amount of matter. So we all share the same amount of matter each, but it could be additive. And so when one person passes on, that consciousness goes on to the next so that matters never destroyed, as in physics, but now that there's way too many humans on the planet. The consciousness has weakened in a way and it's not taking hold in the brains the same way. Because of that, And then if a person is born, say, artistic, it's almost like they come with less matter because they're going to be moving less in the world. They, they live in this very narrow sphere of physical reality, because of their limited ability, supposedly, apparently to us to function. So in a way, they almost have less matter. This is not scientific at all. And the thing too, is that as less consciousness is in the other elements, or other creatures of the guys fear, and more of it goes to humans. it narrows that too, because of the fact that the diversity is lessening, so there's not the proper balance. So human consciousness is not taking hold, because it's actually there's just way too many of us. And so they experience less of this world of matter because of their inability to communicate, and they can't communicate because they don't have the same level of consciousness embodied. And consciousness is communication. And we're not in communication with Gaia, we're just mainly in communication with our own thought games. And in terms of the non judgement, can we look with equal light at equal light, we all have the same light in our eyes. And I was also thinking about how the brain is a mirror. And so what do we want to see in that mirror? And so if we're being altruistic, we're activating our mirror neurons, and we're seeing that in the mirror of our brain. And that could be why that's one of the fastest ways to be happy is to do something for other people.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I've had some indications from the universe lately that perhaps more people like me want to have these types of reframing perspectives, conversations. I heard Brent seal share a poem and talk about what if people with mental illnesses have special powers, etc. And then I saw a gentleman in distress, who's also labeled. And he was talking about how he has a lot of empathy. And he feels things deeply. And that's one of the reasons why he was struggling. And he doesn't like how other people were being treated. So again, more empathy. And another individual I spoke with, shared that they no longer want to be on medication and are tapering off but also have to take steps in order to have a very stress free and gentle lifestyle for an extended period of time in order to make sure that successful. And they talked about reading about the side effects and experiencing side effects. And I also had a conversation where a person brought up the question, and my more than my label. And that just broke my heart, because we're so often forced to identify so strongly with our label that we lose touch with the other elements of ourselves. And there's infinite elements other than that label. And I feel that the label often misinterprets things. It'll call things symptoms of illness, when really, it could be a sign of transformation or a sign that a person has extreme empathy. And some of us acquire this high sensitivity. And then we're seeing and perceiving and feeling things that we've never felt before. And we don't understand that language. And I feel like because we don't understand what we're perceiving what we're seeing and what we're feeling. Which when it's empathy is actually a lot to do with the other, feeling what the other is feeling or sensing what they're feeling, or being able to read them so clearly that we're feeling what they're feeling. But when we don't know that this is what is happening, I feel like we get thoughts in our head that don't make sense or attack ourselves, and lead to things like depression, because when we're seeing something, and we're so used to identifying with our thoughts and our ego thought process, and that can be so called normal and healthy. Though I question that. If we start sensing more and more of the other, yet, we only know how to think in terms of ourselves. When we're sensing the pain, or the feelings, or more information of the other or the situation. extrapolating if we still are strongly identified with our ego thinking process, that ego thinking process can actually become more irrational or more in congruent because we're seeing things and feeling things of the other. But we only have the language of me. So when we see and experience and feel things of the other, but we only have the language of me. The language of me gets the volume turned up and it becomes more painful. So What I'm trying to say is if somebody is in pain and struggling and an empath can sense that, but they don't even know they're sensing that, or even if they do know they're sensing it, they feel powerless to be able to help that person or support that person, it's going to be turned into potentially thoughts about oneself attacking oneself. So if I see somebody in pain, I might think it's my fault. They're in pain, when really, I'm just feeling that they're in pain. And I feel so compassionate, and empathetic, that I don't know what to do about that. And the only thing I can do is turn that into a thought about myself to attack myself to sort of be congruent with the pain that I'm sensing. And then it's hard to not think that something is wrong with me that it's thinking these thoughts. And I'm not saying this is what happens for me, per se. But I've just been seeing this a little bit because in my effort to create different perspectives for myself and self dialog and different ways to think about it and see it and ponder it. I see that more when I see other people like me who have been labeled and pathologize. So I don't actually see them as having anything wrong with them at all. But the thing is, since we don't know how to act, based on these high sensitivities, we have to turn it against ourself, in order to put a barrier up against the action that we want to do maybe, or is the only way to really, it's the only action we know how to take is to turn it against ourselves, because we usually turn a lot of things against ourselves. And a lot of times people are judging other people. But if they've, what if someone's got in touch with their empathy, and they're not judging, but they're feeling. Now, instead of having judgments, we're having judgments against ourselves, because we're not actively judging, we're feeling. But since we have this inner judge going on all the time, those feelings of others, for others with others, again, get turned against ourselves. Because again, the ego is our own voice attacking ourselves. So if we have so called regular ego consciousness, and we're walking around, kind of, in our own ego world, and pretty much blind to the feelings of others, mostly, especially because we're judging them all the time, we're not really reading others, we're judging others. we're projecting onto them instead of really receiving them. Now when we start to receive a person, and not judge, what, how, what do we even do with that information. And if we don't have a language for communicating that, we don't even have the language for understanding that we are one consciousness and we're one humanity. What I'm saying is when we sense that extra information, that extra energy, that feeling with our hearts, it again gets turned against us in our own voice. It's our own voice turned against ourselves. And then that poor person who's an empath, and I only say poor, because unfortunately, we don't understand it fully. We don't create the space through which people have that consciousness can also thrive. These people have to, I feel their arms start turning their voice against themselves even more in order to protect them from what it is they're seeing, because they're feeling so much. So it's easier just to attack oneself with one's own thoughts, then continue to feel that so strongly, even though a person still would continue to feel that very strongly. And if a person is sensing someone else's pain, and there's nothing they feel they can do, or maybe they don't even know that's what they're sensing, then they start to blame themselves for that other person's pain, mainly because they don't know what they can do to help them and they partially blame themselves because they see that we're all one. So if someone else is in pain, then it's partly Everyone else's fault. So we're responsible for each other. And what I'm saying is that also a person, if they start to have these perceptions of sensitivity, and then they're thinking things that are, are creating a disturbance in themselves and then creating it. So they, the person, the empath is perceived as having some kind of mental health difficulty, well, then that person starts to isolate, which will sort of protect the person from their perceptions, their sensitivities. And so I was thinking about how complicated and interesting that is. But also, in terms of well, what to do with these perspectives, if anything, and I think part of it would be, I'm wondering, and I don't really know, what can we do with these empathetic and sensitive perceptions. And that's another thing people who've been labeled often are empaths, very sensitive. And then they're so sensitive. And we only have this language of me ego that as we walk around perceiving things, we can only think about it in relation to the ego. And then that gets confusing and, and, and painful. And then, you know, there can be depression and anxiety and all these things, which are other thoughts. But how can we change and create a language of this high sensitivity to realize that we are very sensitive, and we're feeling these things? In order to not maybe take it on ourselves and think it's our own problem? When really we're sensing some of the problems in the situations that we're in, in daily life? And how is it that we can act differently? to, to change that in terms of if I'm feeling someone's pain? Can I hold a space of compassion for that person? Instead of taking it on myself? Can I look with compassion and non judgment and unconditional love, and that look is part of the healing? How we look at people, which is one of the things that I've been thinking about a lot. And that might be one of the only things we can do is look at it differently, and look at ourselves differently and see that when we're feeling things, it's not necessarily a symptom of mental illness. But it's almost a mystery. It's almost a puzzle, what is it that I'm really feeling, it probably has nothing to do with me and my own suppose in personal problems, because part of the empath process is that we're not so identified with our own pain, but that opens us up to being sensitive to the others pain, which is necessary for some of us to be able to do this in order to create a different world. But instead of being in touch with that sensitivity, and utilizing the gift of that, to help inform the change in the world, we take the sensitivity to be a mental illness and our own problem, and then hideaway, and we're not using our gifts to help the world. And that's actually one of the things we want to do as empaths is be altruistic because altruism implies that we're all one. And when we're empaths, we see that we're one consciousness, because we can feel other things besides just our own self. And we can feel it by seeing it. All we have to do is just look. So again, it's about clear perception and clear vision. But when we see something, and it's kind of painful, we can turn that into painful thoughts against ourselves, and that can eventually end up really crushing us. And someone told me that they were told they'll never get better, and they're going to be like this forever, and they'll always have this problem. And I was thinking to myself, why would any doctor say that that's the rudest thing. 20 years from now, or 10 years from now, that is not going to be the case and we need to start are talking in terms of how we would ideally envision it to be. And part of what I see is people seeing that they've actually become connected with some of their gifts, which is a different way of perceiving and acting and feeling. And it's actually being more in touch with other dimensions of our inner being of humanity. And we're medicated out of this high sensitivity instead of being facilitated to, to utilize it. And that could be a ways away before it's actually really recognized and utilize, but I feel like, we can at least start talking to each other about these other ways. We want to think about ourselves and see ourselves other than the label. When this person told me that, they were wondering if they were anything more than their labels. It just really broke my heart. And it really hit me in that all the stuff that I've been talking about with myself or myself, to strengthen in my own neurology and being that that we are more than our label, or label can be a little slice of the pie that is useful in getting certain supports, as those are the only supports available through the mainstream system and, but not actually really buying into that story, because it's just a story. And unfortunately, it's told to us by authority figures, doctors and professionals who have all this education. And so we can tend to believe them. It's like, a really bad no CBOE effect. And, and it's fine if people want to really believe that about themselves, if that's the most helpful and useful, but from my experience, just interacting with my peers and talking with different people. I just feel like I see so much. That shows me that what I've been talking about with myself, has a lot of validity, especially. Especially, especially regarding and I don't want to say especially because that almost makes it sound like what I'm going to say next is the thing, and there's no one thing. There's so much. But I see these individuals with labels as very empathetic, very sensitive beings. And I know some people that have labels and talk to them. But I just find it interesting that lately, conversation conversations are happening that are some of the elements of things I've been talking about with myself, but I'm not starting them. And so when that happens, it makes me really feel like people who've experienced this do want to think about themselves differently and do want to talk about themselves differently. And if we think and talk about ourselves differently with each other at least, and still have the label stuff, where necessary. They will potentially be able to unfold something different for ourselves. And so that's the thing with is empathy and this altruism. I feel like we need to be altruistic together and I've talked about this before. How Being altruistic, right away sort of acknowledges the space that a person entered into. So to make that part of the healing process is powerful, because a lot of people are trying to get in touch with that when they go through this transconscious experience. And I feel that people that feel these extreme anxieties and depressions and things, it's possible, they're just feeling so much more than themselves. And so, when that happens, we want to do something about the anxiety, but what we really want to do is actually do something to help the world. And I'm not saying that in every case, that is how it is. But I'm just feeling like a lot of this so called mental illness is just getting in touch the fact that we're all one consciousness. And when we're when we're in touch with that. We're not perceiving based on separation, whether we are aware of it or not, we're perceiving so much more than what our ego band of consciousness would allow us to perceive. And when we do, we get overwhelmed. And then it's turned into our own problem to deal with, like our own ego problem, when the problem is the ego and the fact that we want to cooperate. We're designed to be altruistic, we're designed to have meaning and purpose in life. And if everybody on the planet had a completely different meaning, and a completely different purpose, we wouldn't be able to get along at all. What I'm trying to say is that part of the meaning and the purpose is just to be helpful and participate and cooperate and be involved together. And that's why I don't like the whole idea of personal growth, because I feel like if we grow in cooperation, and in world centricity and altruism, will naturally grow personally, in a way, but we actually need to learn how to grow together, and how to connect together, not all of us doing our own little personal things. And so with transconsciousness, I talked about having access to that world centric consciousness, as well as one's ego consciousness, while the world centric consciousness is the part we all share, so when we have access to that, we all share that. So if we're in touch with that, as people that are labeled, if we communicate at that level, because we can communicate with each other, what's your diagnosis, what's yours, what's your symptoms, what's mine, or we can talk at the empathetic transconscious altruistic level that we've already seen, and are in touch with. And when we're talking from that perspective, we're speaking the same language, which is a heart centered language of clear perception, recognizing patterns and seeing the pain of other people. So labeled people I feel, feel deeply but don't know how to act based on that, because we're used to acting based on the sound of our ego voice moving us around, usually in congruent with what's going on. But when we get in touch with that empathy, and that empathetic perception. Society is not designed to act based on that soundscape. And it creates a different soundscape. And I feel like when we're sort of in between trying to decouple from the soundscapes of our ego and other soundscapes are coming in, they can be so called delusions and hallucinations. But that's only temporary to really show that we're decoupling from the other mode of existing I won't even say seeing because I think we don't really see in that state. And when we start to see we start to feel more because we can see what is happening. We can see someone's posture, we can see the look on somebody's face. We can read it. But if we don't know what we're reading, the soundscape inside can be even more confusing and incongruent. And part of the trouble is to we're not voicing that. So if we never give voice to that, it may end up just getting more and more muddled over time. And so I could see somebody and see their pain and see the pattern of have their whole way of gesturing and being and feel that pain and not know, that's what I'm sensing, and then maybe think thoughts about myself, and then feel anxious or, or something. Or I could see that and look with compassion and understanding and unconditional love and know that I'm feeling that person's pain, and just holding that. And that might create a different soundscape or might just be silent. Or I could see that. And if I was to a different point, maybe that would create the soundscape of me going up and talking to that person, or saying hi, or some other kind of gesture. So what I'm trying to say is, if I'm unaware that I'm perceiving empathetically, I probably have some odd soundscapes in my head. Because I'm not because I'm seeing with that language, but I not translate. But I'm not translating that into some kind of gesture, or, or word. Or I could see that and seeing that translates into instant action. And if we see that we don't act, or hold with compassion, or whatever it is that we can do in that moment. The inaction of not doing when we're feeling that gets turned into something that we have to process at a later time. Or perhaps if a person is very empathetic, but they don't really understand that or realize that they're walking by everything, feeling at all, not doing anything, and then feeling bad. And that's translated into bad thoughts against themselves, because they're not doing anything about what they're seeing and feeling. And I'm not saying people have to do something. But that's part of what I talked about with mania, you get to this place where you have to act. You can't delay, there is only now. And so it can be kind of dangerous, because you will act based on what you perceive is needed in the moment, not thinking about tomorrow, and then not even noticing what's happening right in front of you. So I almost feel like part of the conversation is just talking to other empaths to other highly sensitive people to other altruists, who see that we're one consciousness, which doesn't mean Oh, I have to fix the world. It just means that what I see what I feel what I perceive, isn't just to do with little me. So part of it would be a conversation around how do we dissipate some of this energy of perception into action. And part of it too, is if somebody is labeled with a mental illness and told that they're never going to get better, and they have this personal problem. When in self dialogue or in conversation, one might come to an understanding of themselves as an empath, as a healer as a highly sensitive person. If a person thinks I have this mental illness, they're just going to continue to walk by and, and not interact because they see themselves as some kind of deficient person who shouldn't interact with people that much and keep one's head down. Whereas if one sees Actually, I'm more of an empath, I'm a healer, I'm a sensitive person, I feel things deeply. Then one might actually start to interact in a way that's different. might actually be good to share the gifts of that empathy. Because people that are in pain actually might need some of the gifts of that empathy which could just be to listen or to say hi or to smile and ignore another human being. And if a person just thinks that I'm having mental illness and self stigmatizes, they're not going to reach out in those ways, when part of this transformation process could be actually giving us the sense and the feeling inside, so we can begin to reach out in different ways. And that's why I've also said that, it could be that we're here to help them. And that's why I feel like the next part for me, after all this self dialog is to be more in connection with embodied altruism, I've said embodied mania, but it's embodied empathy. And even for myself, being a part of the mental health system and different aspects of the system that I don't agree with so much, and other aspects that I absolutely love and want to be a part of forever. I realized today that I haven't really shared my gifts. I haven't really talked about myself in the way that I would want to really have sort of kept a lot of it quiet. But I feel like I'm getting to a place where I feel more ready to actually say, No, I have some gifts. And I'm sure a lot of other people do too. And they're just not saying anything. And maybe the gifts are medicated away. But even if they are people might have a sense of Yeah, I did feel that way at one point or another. And I can't say what other people's experiences are. But I feel like since that transconscious dimension is, is shared that if we've had a taste of it, that we can talk about it in a similar way. And so I'm having hints that this conversation wants to happen. And not only that, I feel it needs to happen, because to me, it's sort of unacceptable, that my friends and peers are thinking about themselves and in terms of their labels and stigmatizing themselves in that way. Not just because that is painful, but because it's robbing that person of seeing their gifts and seeing their capacities. And that if a person was able to connect more with their gifts and capacities, the part that feels like a mental illness might start to wither away. And I don't think it's gonna wither away by just medicating, medicating, medicating, or just trying to survive or by buying in so much to that story is going to wither away by starting to connect with those dimensions that we connected with in those other states of consciousness by being able to do it in a conscious way, and unfold it in a conscious way. And in an intentional way, for the best of all. The thing is that the professionals don't have time to listen to us in this way and actually learn a lot about our diversity and complexity. They just listened for certain symptoms, and then slap labels on us and then tell us that that's our label, which gets us to forget and stop thinking about all those other aspects. Maybe there's 10 bad symptoms, but maybe there's 1000 good elements. And so by focusing on those bad symptoms, we're suppressing the good elements. Whereas if we focus on the good elements, maybe those bad symptoms go away, because those bad symptoms could just be bits of the transition to getting in touch with that other dimension those other dimensions. And the problem is that the system wants us to go back to the one dimensional ego perception That's not the way that the evolution of consciousness is going. So pills can't suppress the evolution of consciousness forever. And we'll stop stigmatizing ourselves when we connect with our gifts and see that we have value and something to contribute. And by having those conversations with each other, at least, because we can give each other that time and we can be a witness to each other. We can create that context through which to see ourselves differently. And when that happens, we want self stigmatize. And we'll be too busy doing that to even care that much about the fact that we were labeled. We can outgrow that without having to fight it. If we outgrow it. There's no need to fight. But if we waste our energy fighting, then we won't be able to grow. When we're in fight or flight, we can't do growth and repair. So I feel like if through our conversations, we can switch to growth and repair. We won't need to fight or flightSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Here I am again. And this will be part of a longer episode, which is up to date real time of what is happening now in 2021. As season three, and season two, if it's not clear is conversations that I had with myself years ago, starting in 2016. And going until 2019. So I think it went around three and a half years. And then things changed. And I haven't really been talking to myself. And at times, I've wanted to get back into it, but it hasn't really happened. And so this is another attempt to get back into it. Partly because it seems like the new information, funnel or channel or download has slowed down a little bit. And I'm not sure why that is. And I don't think it's really a problem. But I do find myself as I was speaking about the other day, craving altered states. And that has taken the form of drinking a bit of beer or drinking a bit of vodka, not getting really, really drunk or anything because I'm not interested in being hung over. But enough to kind of alter consciousness. And at the same time. Alcohol is a depressant. So I don't really think that's the exact effect that I'm wanting. But then other things are psychoactive and could lead to psychosis or something. And I do think I was sharing that. years ago, when I was talking to myself one time I decided to have a drink, and it made me really go kind of nuts. So then I just didn't drink. And I haven't been drinking. And I'm not recommending it or anything. But I'm wondering if it's because I've been stable for quite a long time. Now it's been since mid 2019. So that's about two years, just over two years. I remember I was hospitalized in 2019. And right after that, I made a couple dialogues with myself, but then I didn't continue. And then I stopped. And it took a few months after that it was April took a few months, before I started being able to do things and sort of be in the linear world, I was depressed for a few months, because I had gone into a big time mania, if you want to call it that for quite a while. And so I knew I was going to pay the price. And I was I was kind of okay with that. But at the same time, it was hard for me to go and get help. And I even wanted help I wanted help from the system at that point. But it was hard to to get there. Because I had you know, some thoughts of not wanting to go there and some thoughts of being able to maybe get through it myself. But at the same time, I knew it wasn't going to be possible. I just I gone too far. And I knew I had yet it was still hard to get help. And I finally was able to. And since then, I I spent that summer pretty depressed and not being able to function. And then when I came out of it, I was able to do things and go about life. I was doing some food delivery driving, which I quite enjoyed because I like to drive, it's fun. And then I went back to California for a short trip. And then I came back and then I started working in the mental health system again, in a different capacity. And before that, I went to Hawaii for a month. And then that's when you know the whole world changed. Soon as I got back. That's when everything started to change. And since things were shut down, I decided and I had already decided to start working on a book. So that was about About a year and a half ago now, and I'm at the point now where I'm getting close to being finished. And that being said, it's not perfect. And I don't think it's going to be perfect. I had somebody beta read the book, and they said that it stands out because they had read quite a few psychology type books, I don't, it's not really a psychology book. But they said, my book stands out. They also said that it's pretty intense, the tone is intense. I don't know if that's the tone in my self dialogues with myself, or what, but I was thinking about that comment about the intense tone, because the reader recommended that I have an editor kind of look at the tone when they look at it. And at the same time, I'm wondering, I don't know, if somebody could get the intense tone out of there, I don't know if it needs to get out of there. Because this information is pretty intense. Because a lot of it's sort of new or weird, or mind boggling, or unbelievable or impossible. And there's a lot of it. And not only that I've sort of filtered down from like this much information, like huge amount of information down to what's into this first book that I'm writing. And the writing process has been quite different than I can imagine. Or I've even read that people recommend how you write a book, like you write an outline, and then you sort of write your points. And then you have your sort of intro and outro line relating to the next chapter. It hasn't been like that at all. Because I wrote out pages upon pages of big stack of paper, like three or four inches thick. And then from that, I went through everything that I wrote, and I typed it into a document. And I think at first I put it into a loose categories. And then I had to basically each time each iteration of editing, transfer it from one document to the next and sort of leave the ones behind that I didn't want to go with and I probably had to go through like 10 iterations of that, then I had to not only that, once they had gone into the headings, I had to stick them in order, some kind of order. And then I had to like, kind of link them together and make points that were sort of linear, one after another somewhat, I guess I didn't have to write it like that. But it seemed to work out. But I think the editing process of the book in a way has mirrored somewhat what it's like to have access to extra information, because of bipolar consciousness, or transconsciousness, which is, you know, there's these bits that don't necessarily fit together are linked together. And there's a certain amount of signal, which, which is way less than the amount of noise of the overall information. And so trimming it down from finding the signal from the noise, and then, you know, there's a lot in the signal that's meaningful. And then it's not necessarily significant other people. So I've tried to include that which is significant to others in their journey. And maybe I'm completely wrong, I don't even know. And I might have been talking about this last time, so I won't go into too much. But it seems like the next book that I'm writing is going to go together in much the same way because it's just more categories that aren't fitting in the first book. And then I have to go through and put all the points there. They're sort of in a, an order of some kind and expand upon them and make them full sentences and things like that. So it's quite arduous. I'm feeling I'm starting the second one because what I've discovered is that it's quite helpful to ask for help from people on Fiverr. And so far, I've really liked what people have done. And I had somebody create a podcast intro like a speaking bit, as well as music and the person put the music with the different person put the music with the spoken part. I had someone beta read my book, I had someone find some references. Because I found with writing the book, I just got to this point where I just didn't even want to look at it anymore. And so I figured why not just see if somebody does bibliographies. So I had someone do a test section, and it was pretty good. So then I had them do some research on some of them sections that I hadn't done yet. And then lastly, now they're doing the complete bibliography, which should be done in the next 10 days. And I think it's about I think it's about 140, citations, or references. And I don't know, I think it's helpful to have some references, I think it should be good. And then at the same time, someone else is helping me create a book title, I have some ideas, but this person will create a few other options just to see. And once that's done, I will have someone create a cover based on the title. I had someone create a book description that I need to tweak a little bit, but I thought it was really good. I couldn't write something like that Not even close. And I will once the references are done, I'll have somebody go through and edit it. And after that, I'll get someone to do the book design. And I think a lot of people can get way with not doing these extra bits. But I think it's been a really fun lesson in outsourcing. And it'd be really cool one day to have a crew of people, whether on Fiverr, or another platform that are able to symbolize that they are part of the bipolar crew. And that way we can utilize each other with these overlapping skills. And the book itself, I started to talk about it last time I was talking but I ran out of time. And the working title that I have right now, before getting that person's advice is it's too long, but it's I don't even know if this was the one but finding and creating meaning in bipolar mania, breaking the taboo of potential and mania through philosophizing. re-uncovery re gaming and harvesting special messages to crowd out pathological ideas. Now, it'll be less than that for sure. But that's generally the idea is introducing this. rearranging of the word Ria, recovery, however you want to call it and calling it re uncovering because a lot of what we come upon our knowledge that we gather in the state of mania is lost, because for one, we're told that it's meaningless, we're told that was from an illness. And also, after it's over, it takes some time to realize it's like a hangover, really, the brain had been working so hard for so long. And it takes a bit of time to, to let it settle and get back to processing. Mainstream reality. It's really a different world to process. So So I talked about kind of gamifying bipolar or gamifying mania, as like an overarching thing. I sort of thought about that and put it in the intro after though it's not really peppered through the book, like maybe it should be. But at the same time, I don't think I have to keep repeating Oh, this is part of gamification. This is part of gamification. It's just sort of all re gamifying it, which means creating a different game like right now we get gamified into being mental patients. And I think that we, if we, if we look at it differently, we can potentially gamify it into something else. And in a way, mania is Is the universe's attempt to gamify you and your life. I'm pretty sure I said that before too, but it's worth repeating. And I talked about the possibility of using the word transconsciousness. For bipolar because our consciousness is trans. It's like we have this mainstream consciousness. And then sometimes we go into this manic consciousness. And then you know, some people might say, well, we also have this depressed consciousness or a state of psychosis, which is a different consciousness as well. So you know, it could be an omni consciousness, it doesn't have to be transconscious. But that seems to roll off the tongue quite easily. And so part of that is also re-uncovery is part of the game, right? So the game is to re uncover mania in retrospect, but it's also to bring that into daily life, and then sort of close the gap between daily life when we bring a little bit of mania in there and mania, the state. So when we stay away, and we stay in fear, the the gap stays so big, but I think we can kind of close the gap. And that's yet to be seen, even for myself, because like I said, I'm not anti psychiatry, I do take medications, though, it seems like my consciousness is sort of like, Okay, it's time for another journey of some sort. But yeah, and then I talked about how to use the book, because, you know, we're going to go on a journey of making meaning out of, out of our experiences, and out of the information that came to us. And now I don't know about you, but for me, a lot of it felt really meaningful. And it's not really any particular bit of information. It's more so the state of being able to sense and alchemize and integrate and create meaning on the go. It's like a spontaneity of meaning instead of how we usually experience life as sort of mundane and repetitive and, and that's what our, our thinking mind says that life's about. But the the manic mind is different. And so, you know, part of it too, is to give ourselves permission to, to think differently about it, because we've been told like the way to approach it and perceive it and think about it. And, you know, like, it's an illness. And I'm not saying it's not an illness, I just feel that identifying so strongly with that sort of inflates it into something, a bigger part of our life than it needs to be. If we choose that we'd like it to our life to be other than that. And so yeah, giving ourselves permission, and breaking the taboo. It's taboo to be like, yeah, I'm this magical creature, like, I know what Christ Consciousness is like, like, I had a taste of it. It was amazing. When I had that taste, I thought I was Jesus. Like, obviously, I'm not Jesus. But maybe that's how Jesus felt, you know, and just being okay with saying that, and owning that. But also then letting it go and letting the next thing come in to play. Because if we start to hold too strongly, then it can create stories and we can believe the stories and belief is, is a real, it's a real hurdle. made really is and we'll talk more about that later. But I'm hoping this book has a lot of surprises, a lot of resonance where, where you might feel like, wow, I experienced that same thing, or that same feeling or a very similar event, but just different sort of details. And I feel like this really lends weight to the ethics we're perceiving in consciousness in that state as well as how the world works, how communication works, that not everything is physical and Newtonian and we're experiencing that and seeing manifestation play out. By those rules and laws, which are different, slightly different, at least from what it is that we think. And and for some reason, these traits are, are seen as basically threatening right to the status quo. And that is partly why, you know, we are asked upon intake like, Oh, are you seeing special messages? Like, are you seeing that, you know, you might be special and and the world might be able to specifically bring the things that you want into your life through processes that are faster than physical laws that we know. And if somebody is kind of like, yes, or you know, then they don't want us to be able to do that, you know, who was they? I don't know, that question is bigger now than ever. Not sure what that is, but it doesn't really matter, right? Doesn't matter, we don't have to know that. And that's the thing, it's more about going back towards what it is that we discovered. And then it sort of got lost, because you know, when somebody returns from space travel, I'm sure the first thing they they don't just like, go back to their regular routine and go for a run and do everything they used to do. No, they have to, their body has to recover for a while. So the same way, like we recover our body and some things after it happens. And then when we're feeling better, we can go back and look at some of those things that happen if we can remember. And even if we can't, if we can remember some things, then we can have those sort of spark awareness of some of the other things. And yeah, it's just kind of moving away from you know, it's all a meaningless mental illness, the only meaning is this chemical imbalance in your brain. And then from that it negates everything that happened for whatever period of time whether it was a day in our, in my case, that the first time two months. That's, it was nice to know that to make it sort of stopped. But you know, the medications usually don't even make it stop forever, can't can't stop that impulse of the universe forever. So, you know, I shared a little bit of my story of, you know, when I first found out about the word bipolar in my life, and then ended up with a diagnosis myself, and how, you know, in mania, we have more access to meaning. And we don't have all the words to describe it, we don't have the words to describe it in the state, when we're trying to communicate to ourself or others, we don't have all the words to communicate it after the fact. Or when we're being apprehended. Like we just don't have the language. So not only that, if we even did have the language, that language doesn't fully represent. That which we're trying to point to. So in a way, mania is a solution to the state of meaningless because meaninglessness because it feels so meaningful, it feels subjectively meaningful. And in a way that ego thought patterns are almost like saying, This is the objective way of what the world means. And it's sort of going around in circles trying to justify that that is what the world means in life means and it doesn't really mean that. That's sort of what we're told it means. And we've never been taught to make our own meaning, and figure out what something means for ourselves and create it for ourselves. And that being okay. It's more about like, what's the answer? And so, you know, in a way we haven't, we haven't realized our potential. And so when we see that, okay, yeah, maybe it was meaningful and it was subjectively meaningful to me and objectively in how life unfolded at that time. Yeah, not everything was great. Probably pissed some people off for sure because I wasn't being myself as they Know It. So it's not perfect. And I don't know if it ever will be. It's not meant to be a state of perfection. It's more of an improvisation. And that's how we can bring some new energy and information into the world. So now all that we said, okay, it's meaningful. Now we have permission, if we want to break that taboo and talk about the meaning for ourselves. And I talk about, just talk about it with yourself. Like, I talked about it with myself for those three years. And when I did talk about it with myself, I had most of the things that I wanted to happen in my life come true. And I'm pretty sure that everything that I was hoping for, has come true from what I said up to this point now. So what I was talking about, and maybe not feeling so great about is healed. It's healed. And also, now there's some new stuff for sure. But that's why I want to get back to talking with myself. Because I feel that that is one of the main ways that things can manifest because that's the way the universe is going to hear me. It doesn't really hear me the same way. I don't think it hears me like, it's interesting, because I think maybe the universe doesn't really hear us when we're thinking as much it can, but it's it's more quiet. It's more powerful when we say it out loud, for sure. And you know, sometimes we we think that other people can hear our thoughts. And you know, the universe can too, but I don't think it's as powerful. So, you know, I talked about in the book as well, I just go on about like, how many is a good word, except in the case of like, say bipolar mania, or, you know, others certain manias, but for the most part, it's indicating like energy and motivation and different things. So I think we can reclaim the word mania in bipolar mania as positive, if we want to create it that way for it to be that way for ourselves. And the more of us who choose to do that for ourselves, the more that creates that within consciousness. So human consciousness, I feel like the more of us that do this process, the more of us who can build sort of a manic consciousness in a way and a bridge to mania from the regular world. Because, you know, if, if there were no negatives in it in, in certain ways, like the Fallout, anyone would want to be in that state, that's what people are chasing when they're taking drugs, or, you know, so many things, they're chasing that state, and then we get it in mania. And then we're sort of chased out of it, or forced to swallow pills chased with a glass of water. So and that's to stay out of it, right. And then everyone else is trying to get into it. So there's people that go into it, that fall out of it, and there's fall out. And it's like, you know, natural or unprovoked as far as like, taking something exotic honestly, or from the outside. And, you know, in a way, where we get punished for it while everyone else goes home and sort of tries to get into that state, or tries to get into an altered state of consciousness of some sort. So yeah, just going back into it retrospectively, after we've given ourselves permission to think that it's meaningful, and after giving ourselves permission to you know, glorify it in a way because now we're saying, okay, you know, there's some good there, and I want to go back and look at it, and I want to go back and sort of glorify the good parts, because a lot of it was a lot of information. A lot of it was noise, but there was some golden nuggets in there. And probably a lot more than we knew. And even if there weren't that many, maybe now knowing that there could be golden nuggets, we can have a different perspective and and maybe a little little less fear when it comes on and And of course, in the book, I do talk about the medical mental health system, a little clinic critical you sometimes, clinically, I don't think that's the word. And it's probably a little, little harsh sounding, but it's hard to make it sound peachy, or like a warm apple pie, it's, I don't know, it's if you've been through the system. I don't know, maybe I've been influenced by what other people say, as well and hearing bad experiences of other people. But I really haven't had that many bad experiences. You know, being stuck on medications and being dependent on them is a bad experience. But it's a common one. And so I think that it's been great in a way, but it's been great in the way that I'm able to do this, which is fine information that I want to harvest and harness and share from my journey and experiences. And if you take everything that I say in the book, and will say in future books, and have said in all my dialogues, maybe other people have said it somewhere else, maybe some people haven't said certain things. But, you know, it's, it just means that to me, it means that mania is a meaningful experience worth looking at, just like all the different areas of study out there. It's like a whole new area of study. But there's a lived experience area of study that people who haven't lived the experience can't do. And people in mania or who experienced mania, and people with bipolar diagnosis, they get studied for all different things, you know, inject with this fecal microbial transplants, trans cranial magnetic stimulation, probably that one where they stick the light into your brain, you know, all these different things. But how many people are out there studying this, and I think there's a lot more than is obvious. But since it's sort of seen as a thing that is not meant to be glorified, it's just awful stuff, then, you know, people don't share it, or they don't talk about what they're doing. Like I've been doing this in some way, shape, or form, looking into alternatives. Since 2014. And I've, in my research and everything, you know, I've seen people who say, Oh, this happened to me in 2015, or this has happened to me in 2013. And they've already like published a book, they've already created a course, they've already done something really awesome. So I'm looking forward to making a contribution myself, because more and more of us, hopefully, will be able to do that faster and faster, until that gap is just zero, where, you know, the experience itself is the contribution and people can see and experience people in mania as giving something giving some kind of energies from some other dimension or place that is being channeled into the material world and is like a gift. And you know, people generally think, you know, gurus or this or that who are able to maintain a certain meditation or consciousness for 20 years, then people will be like, wow, like this is somebody to be respected and followed and read, like, we need to get down to, you know, like the Instagram level of these types of things where, you know, in life, in reality, someone can give you a manic gift in the moment, and it might just be 20 seconds, and that's gone. And then, you know, the person who's manic might even transform into someone who's a little bit annoyed or something. And that's okay. And there's still that gift that right? No need to sit and ponder and everything because part of the point is that deep perception action that can happen in that type of state. So that's more of the end goal, rather than rather than sitting in writing books about it is one of the goals I guess. It's not really a goal. But it's more like one of the facets because there are many fascinating facets to this. Like, yeah, I've written a book, there's information in it, but it's really not the thing, like the thing is something, it's a different phenomena altogether. And I think it's possible and, and we can see if we can make possible, right? This is the time of possibilities with all the technology, you know, even though we experience life Newtonian, now I can be anywhere in the world via video. So that's sort of like a quantum thing, in a way, because it's instantaneous, pretty much, pretty close to instantaneous. And yeah, so critiquing the mental mental health system, it's in there, it's peppered throughout, I'm pretty sure by the second book, it won't really be in there at all, because it's more about the potential and the possibilities and applying manic consciousness or transconsciousness, to other human potential frameworks, not all of them, but a select few. And then that way, it sort of provides a greater context. And we can say, yeah, that sort of sort of an aspect of manic consciousness, this isn't and sort of build another consciousness for ourselves. And by doing that, we sort of slowly push other frameworks to the outside. And I think there are other people in the world who have already done this, and they sort of live in a different framework of consciousness than the one that we come back to after mania is over. So yeah, I critique it. I talk about, you know, if we're trying to change this, the psych system, like, what are the pros and cons of that? And of course, like, Well, for me, at least, if there's an opportunity to do something that might change it a bit. Sure, that's fine. But there's other people who think changing it is sort of feeding the beast, if it's, if it's a beast, it's a beast. And my book is more positive or critical or intense. But it's not about it's not about depression. There are some chapters on some experiences that might be called psychosis that were also felt as spiritual and scary. At the same time, so. So yeah, I apologize in advance if it sounds like and that's the thing by by being programmed so much with the word stigma and the word, you know, oh, people don't recognize that I have an illness and, and it's not me, it's the illness. Then as soon as somebody starts saying something about the positives, it's like saying that we're, like, I'm ignoring the negatives. I'm not like, I'm not trying to, I'm just, there's only so many pages in a book. And there's so many books out there. Probably not even enough about the depressive side of bipolar, or, you know, anyone's journey through bipolar, like all of that is useful information. And I do share some of mine. But again, it just doesn't dwell there, because I'm trying to cover another part that doesn't get enough. Justice. And, you know, we could ask, Well, does the does mania justify the the fallout? And what happens? And I don't know, maybe not, but maybe it can, if we see it differently? I still think in my experience that it does, because it's brought a lot of meaning to my life, and maybe most of it is philosophizing. But I don't think so because I experienced the manifest results often, and not as often lately. But that's fine. It's not something that needs to be counted or anything like that. So you know, like, I haven't found a five leaf clover in a while. So what but yeah, so it's not totally about that suffering aspect. And, you know, I do I have a screen, are there benefits to mental emotional crisis. I'm not the first person to say this, you know, I'm not creating a wheel here from scratch, or being the first to say that, so there's a lot of people who talk about some of the benefits and trauma. So someone can say there's benefits and trauma. I don't know how someone can't say there's benefits amania because there are and it just sucks. Assets followed by psychosis, maybe in a depression, usually, and then it's very hard to get back there, or look at that. And also, if we're told not to look into it, it doesn't expand, like the, the context doesn't expand as much as if we start to look into it. And, and, and it'll talk to us, you know, it'll talk and share more. That's the beauty of it. And it's about creating, being able to create our own information and our own consciousness. And when we can do that, it's amazing. And so there's other people who are critical of the mental health system. And I go into that a little bit related to how I created the word re uncovering re-uncovery, because we're re uncovering what we uncovered in mania. And so also talking about neuro diversity, and saying that maybe we as bipolar people are on that sort of spectrum, being neuro diverse. But you know, life or human society doesn't like when people change rapidly is that thing, they don't think that that should be possible, or desirable, because you know, how you can't predict people that way. And then it's kind of scary, right? And if we get scared, we does kind of freeze. So. Yeah. And then I shared a bit about when I discovered that I wasn't the only one who thought that mania had a spiritual aspect. And, you know, spirituality is a big part of it. But, you know, 10 years later, for me, I don't even think about the word spiritual, ever. So that's why I went towards more like meaning. And, you know, because if we're thinking, Oh, that spiritual, it detracts from the actual meaning or the actual message that's trying to be conveyed. And can also, when we call when we label it, something, it sort of shrinks into that. And it's like, well, I already know what that is. So you don't have to show me more. And we don't want to do that is if we're going to re uncover things. And, and also, a big part of it is re languaging. So I create quite a few new terms or put out there bunch of Neo loge isms, which means new word. And I think we're really good at this as bipolar people. And I think it's a gift and a talent. And I don't know about a talent, but it's a gift. And we can learn to use it. Many people use it by doing poetry and art and, and wrap. And that's awesome. And I think we can also get it into other areas, many other areas. Because, you know, if you can create new language while I won't go there right now, but so I talked about the self dialogue process, which I have with myself, I don't even like the word self, really, because part of this book, I question whether the self really exists as we think it. And again, that questioning goes back hundreds of years anyway. But you know, when mania if you're all of a sudden, one person, a different person. And five seconds ago, you were this person, like, how can you think that there's a consistent self? I don't want to say that I don't want to say how can you think but it questions? What is the self? Is there consistent person personality self, or is trying to stay consistent to that part of the trouble of the world, because we're always trying to keep up how we're supposed to be in certain situations, and we don't end up being how we would naturally be. And we're doing it for our sake and the sake of other people, and then that just creates this whole, you know, world that is like that. And then so as soon as somebody is being spontaneous, people don't like it. Well, we just don't have practice. That's all and we don't have permission to do That. And then if we do end up going into a state where we just can't help it, we can't help but not pretend, then, you know, we could be locked away, and medicated for life. So you know, what is a dangerous, it's a dangerous game to show yourself, to show yourself yourself without any control over that process happening. It's like a mutated awakening. And so yeah, some of this stuff, I, you know, I bring in a little bit of science here and there. But you know, if there's something that I didn't quote, it's because I probably just made it up myself. And if somebody else said it, I just didn't know. And plus, I say a lot of things, and I can't, I can't put a reference for everything, I'm having somebody decide, I picked out a lot of the references, and then having someone pick out the rest. So yeah, I go, this part, this part I go into about, you know, the self thought, the false self, all that, like, it's kind of uncomfortable to talk about, because there's so many books out there that are really good on the subject, like, so many in so many great thinkers. So. So I don't want to pretend that I know what I'm talking about as that much. But I'm trying to just sort of make a point. Because I think we, as people who experienced bipolar mania, we are told these things. So for some people, this will be like old news, like, yeah, I've heard about the ego. I've read the power of now, blah, blah, blah. And then other people will be like, what the heck, like, of course, I have a self and all that. And then, you know. So there'll be just very things and I'm just trying to share a little bits that seem to stick through those 10 iterations I told you about. So it's not meant to be perfect. And it's not meant to be like perfectly scientific. And, yeah, again, like, does it does the self exist? And what about other aspects of the mind? And, you know, how do we sort of disengage the self? Or can we, and then I go kind of into a section on mania, but it's not very great, because it's like, all this content in a way is from mania. And it's sort of to build a bridge from mania to the mainstream world. But it's not so much about like, a story about mania, or all the different things in mania, like it's sort of subjective to the person. So the specifics of mania are not really as interesting. So I kind of just got a list of sort of metaphors of mania, and, you know, the supersensitivity of mania, because again, in the next book, I'll be talking about mania related to other human potential thought lines. So yeah, I'm not trying to really talk about it so much on its own. So I think I could have done a better job of this area, but it didn't really happen. And then, you know, the last part I talked about, from the first time I went from mania to psychosis, and, you know, sort of different views of psychosis and crisis, and you know, feeling like going crazy. And then I just go into a few other things about, you know, I guess in a way, it's part of depression, where there's could be anger, pain, just not forgetting about the physical world. And then I talk about a few hints for navigating the next cycle, which there's tons out there. A lot of people have so much great information. This is just a few bits. So you No one can think of this book as like, Oh, it's trying to be like this big complete message. Which isn't exactly right. Or it's like these bits. It's like food for building a bridge to mania or sparking your re-uncovery process if that's what you wish to do. And yeah, it's not meant to be like this is how it is or anything. It's just kind of like ideas and putting certain things out there. And I went on Spotify and I looked up in the podcast section, I looked up the word bipolar and I found a lot of different parts. broadcasts and people that started them over the years and start sharing them. And then they just stopped like they didn't keep going. So I'm just had one episode or a few. But there were about 14 or so that were still still active. And none of them seemed completely similar to what, what I'm doing. But there was one that was had a few topics that maybe are something that I've touched on. So yeah, I just hope more people get out there and, and talk and share and hoping to create a new conversation. And yeah, I, I need to wrap it up for now. But I'll come back. And this was helpful to just talk a little bit about what I've been writing about. And, you know, I don't know if a book is the best medium, so I'll try to get it out there and other forms. Because sometimes it's hard to read, I find it hard to read, sometimes even now just it's challenging. So I will get it out there and other forums as well. And I hope that it's enjoyable, and I will try my best to talk to myself more. And I listened to what I was saying about, you know, in my journey from my documented bipolar journey of three years, and talking with myself and being able to live all my dreams, even though they weren't like huge dreams, but they're pretty big for me. And I'm just about to head off to California and that journey. So that was that was amazing in many ways. And I hope that you enjoyed hearing a little bit about the book. Stay tuned and I will talk soon.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I think it's a nine or eight on Seroquel. And I'm at the park. As you can see. It's interesting, I not only feel like I don't have anything to say, I also don't even feel like making videos, which is something I've been doing for seven or eight months. So to me, it's interesting how 10 days on a little bit of circle has kind of destroyed my motivation. And again, I think it's okay right now. Because I need to take a break from overthinking things and do more of just getting stuff done. So today, so far, I was organizing my kitchen and taking out some of the items that I wouldn't want someone else using. So I did quite a bit of that. And then I just sort of felt done with it. Like I needed to get outside for a while. So here I am. I am starting to feel excited about California since yesterday. excited for a change of scenery. And I still have quite a few things to do before I go so long as I do a couple of things per day. I should be ready to go in the nick of time. I have to decide how I'm going to get there. I have to get insurance and all that stuff. So maybe I'll make another video later when I'm at home. What if I don't this is a short one. So maybe I'll combine it with if I say anything tomorrow and the next day. Couple things about today. Again, my brain isn't super thinkI but that's a good thing. And last night was the first night I took half of this Seroquel instead of a whole one. And I took a whole one every day for probably 12 days. So the 13th night I took half. And I'll take half again tonight. And then after that I will perhaps try without the Seroquel to go to sleep. Because I've been sleeping just fine. And every night I've been doing some coherence breathing with my heart rate monitor, chest strap and the app as well as soaking my feet with Epsom salts. Sort of a little ritual I've developed and it seems to make me feel calm and just go to sleep. And I usually drink mugwort tea out of a nice mug. And I actually grow mugwort out in the yard. Because when I was in Santa Barbara six years ago, somebody gave me a mugwort leaf and he said put this under your pillow you'll have nice dreams. And so I took it and I went back to the hostel that night and I did put it under my pillow. I when I was falling asleep as soon as I sort of fell asleep I felt myself going through a time mark it was like like it was like the weirdest thing out of a movie like warp drive or hyperspeed or lightspeed being engaged in a spaceship and sort of having that sensation to of accelerating like that. And I'm pretty quickly just jerked awake, like oh my gosh, what the hell? And then I thought that was strange, but then I put my head back down. And when I did it did the same thing when I started to fall asleep. Just want to, like you felt like I was in a spaceship accelerating. And so again, I just jerked awake, like what the hell. So I took the mug wart leaf out from under my pillow and just placed it beside the bed and didn't want to participate in that. And then, oddly enough when I got home and I was, at that point, kind of manic, and I was going to this organic grocery store in an adjacent city, and the lady there was this cute Asian lady. And she was trying to sell me this green powder stuff for for a tea. And she was trying to tell me what it's called. And but she was saying it in a way that I couldn't understand the way she was pronouncing it. And I think she eventually wrote it down. And she wrote down MK Ward, and I was like, What the hell. So I bought the T. And it might have been that time or another time I went there that she told me she has more plants. Or it's kind of like a weed really. And she said that she would give me some, if I called her on her cell phone. So I did and she did end up giving me the plants. And I planted it in a bunch of different locations around the property. And it's kind of funny, because this one place, I planted it between the two houses. There's like a row of muck Ward like two feet wide by 15 feet long. Right now it's all dead and dried up because it's winter time. But it comes back every year. And then I planted it behind the house. big long, same thing of motherboard, and then all in the front yard. It kind of takes over. But last year, I think it was I harvested a bunch of it and dried it and kept it for tea. And so long story short, I have my own record tea. I want to move I should be sure to take some mug work with me. So my word tea mug word story. taking half a Seroquel. I also in the mail, got my medical ID. So I've got PTSD and bipolar one. I don't know if you can see that. And then on the back my name and my medication and then see iPhone medical ID because iPhone has a feature to put your medical ID in there. So it's on the emergency call screen. So I have more information in my iPhone medical idea talk about my advanced directive, my representation agreement, where those are on my phone in case I forget. And I also say remind me to take a Seroquel PRN if I'm scared and confused. And bunch of stuff like that and my contacts. And so I have this for my trip. I may or may not wear it. But I decided to buy it either way. And I also cleaned my car a little bit, even though it looks like I might not be driving. My car's really old. And so I actually today booked a train ticket because I've taken the train there twice before very long trip 30 plus hours, but I find it quite nice and relaxing. So it was cheap to was like 125 bucks, whereas a flight would be about 250. And the train the benefit of the train is that I can cancel less than 20% fee. Whereas if I book a plane ticket, I can't change it. And there are a few things that might cause me to need to leave a little bit later. So I think this was the best thing to do right now. I feel good about that. And I can always cancel it and fly if I want or it If I ended up getting a new car or something, which is pretty unlikely, then I can always decide to drive. And driving would be a lot more expensive though, I might decide to buy a cheap car down there temporarily find out if I can do that if I can insure it, I don't know how that works. So I can take the insurance off my car and put it as storage insurance possibly save some money that way. And I also looked into a little bit of stuff around subletting my place, because I might be able to get a little bit of money from that. Even though I don't own this place, and most of it I wouldn't get I would just get a little bit because it's my furniture and stuff, but could be helpful. So still lots to do. still lots to think about and I'm thinking about a few other things as well.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

seroquel, people, psych ward, feel, medication, clubhouse, talk, brain, worse, mania, hospital, terrifying, vaccines, chaos, experience, video, state, suffering, point, induceIt's been nine days since I've talked to myself in this way. And I probably could have talked to myself a little bit sooner but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. The day after I made my last video I went into full PTSD, flash flashbacks, and and usually I would be talking about psychosis. But it was different this time, it was more like a flashback. It's like I could hear what I was saying to myself when I was unconscious. And I won't go into the details of that, because I feel I'm still in fragile state. Usually, when I go into a crisis of some kind, I, I dissociate and I just sort of sit there and I feel like I'm a homeless person. I don't feel like myself. This time was different. I definitely felt like I was me. And I was at home and I was getting ready for the day and I was gonna make some videos. And then go out for the day because I was feeling a little bit sensitive. And I was actually watching a little bit of my videos from the 10 days prior to that video, and I was actually talking about an experience where I woke up scared and then just waited it out. And I talked about maybe taking a Seroquel, PRN. But I didn't and and then it just gets to a point where I just am in a place where I just lost and terrified. And I remember the days before I was watching a program online about vaccines, and I think I talked about it a little bit. But there was this one scene where there's little boy was smacking himself in the head. And when I get into that state of sensitivity, I feel one with everything. And to see that it just really hit me it was like, Oh my god, what are we doing to the children. And I don't mean just with vaccines, whether they're good or bad, who really knows. I feel like it's more of a gesture of thinking we know more about biology, Gaia, ecology, human health, then nature itself. But anyways, I felt strongly that I could actually hear the boy trying to say, my brain, my brain, like it's in my brain. And like, and he was actually trying to communicate even though he just looks like he's flailing around, that gesture is still communicating something. And what it how I felt when I saw that I just I just I I felt like oh, it just the immensity of it. I can't, I can't describe it. Whether it was caused by a vaccine or some something else, genetics environment, is still communicating something these kids, when they get transformed into that, however, that happens, it's still communicating something. And these poor children. But I don't want to think about that right now. And kind of what that showed me is it's very difficult for me to take in information from the outside. And I already researched the vaccine stuff years ago, and I decided it's not for me. I feel like I'm sensitive to it. And I actually feel like some of my troubles could be even leftover mercury in my brain because I received the first round of hepatitis B vaccinations when I was in grade six. So there was definitely mercury in that. And I feel like it can have a delayed reaction. It can be in the Brain kind of dormant. And then if there's some kind of trauma or stress, then it gets, it gets activated somehow. But that's mainly what I'm thinking about really. I do feel like I need to get back to taking better care of my body putting more nutrition in it, though, it doesn't really seem to matter that much. Because I was doing really well health wise when I've had my first so called relapse two years ago. And so this one I just had, I managed to finish getting dressed and and get myself to the mental health clubhouse I'm a part of and talk to someone there and then take a Seroquel calm down a bit, and then somebody gave me a ride to where some of my family lives. And I laid in a bed and had the most intense, internal chaotic suffering I've ever experienced in my brain. It was so painful, and it was it was so out there, what was going on and and each time I woke up, I took another Seroquel, hoping that it would make it better. I don't know if it makes it better, or if it makes it worse. And by making it worse, it makes it better by making it kind of quicker, I don't know, since so far looks like I'm able to avoid the psych ward. I am curious about testing next time taking less of it and just writing it out, though, I think it knocks me out as opposed to maybe being awake through whatever chaos is going on internally. So it seems to be helpful. Again, I'm in favor of it while it's needed. And then not every day when it's not needed. Because even if I take it every day, when it's not needed, it probably is gonna happen again. So I don't see, I don't see the point, it doesn't really prevent it from happening, though it does seem to help me get through it. So I spent a week with family in the first two days I just laid in bed. And then I think the third day I got up for half a day. And then the rest of the days I was up most of the day. So I really only had two days of really intense suffering. And then a couple other nights were a little bit scary. Even last night, I'm still taking the Seroquel each night. Even last night, I remember waking up and feeling kind of scared, but kind of forgetting. And that's the thing it kind of makes you forget, which I think is necessary. Because it's really, really terrifying. And I'll probably unfold more of it as I talk to myself, even though I'm not necessarily going to talk to myself about what I did experience internally because that would be classified as so called hallucination and delusion. I could think of it as possible futures and they could be futures that exist hundreds of years from now or possibly never they're just possibilities because the brain goes into this possibility state and and that's why I feel like for me it's important to not fight it. Not flee from it, not add extra fear to it. But just freeze and just lay there and wait it out. Because if I was to get up and walk around while that is going on, it would not be congruent with anything. It's only congruent with laying in bed and feeling completely terrible. Like this inner chaos is happening and and it seems this inner chaos is just something that's within me and and it's terrifying. It's it's absolutely horrific. I remember as the memory of what was going on in my brain was fading. I remember trying to remember, but then thinking God I don't want I don't want to remember that. Like, please just reset for my mind. And so it did get erased and it definitely feels like a type of death like an inner death. And it's sort of like during an earthquake. Generally we don't want to be running around while the earthquake is happening. We want to stay still or move a few feet to find a safe place to park ourselves while it earthquake. happens and waited out. So this inner turmoil, this chaos, this post traumatic stress reaction or in whatever it is, or psychosis or whatever you want to call it, it's terrifying. And so just getting to a place where I could just wait it out, wait for that inner earthquake to finish. Because had I tried to stay up and about in reality too long I probably would have been funneled to the psych ward. And I was lucky to be able to drive myself to the mental health clubhouse. And I did get to express some of my fears and things that were going on at that time. Some of which I remember I remember talking about Jesus a lot. And in that state, I do connect with that paradigm somewhat. Because I try to explain how it was that I was able to get myself out of a bad situation. Sometimes my brain is like, what was Jesus, he came in and sort of took over your body and walked you on over there. And then so if I follow that line of supposed logic, and I might have been talking about this before, I don't even know. I don't know if it's great to talk about but then after the fact, the fact that I was saved, kind of all my life to Jesus in a way. And I'm not a Christian, by any stretch, but when I get into that state of oneness, sometimes I get in connection with that, because I could go around saying, Jesus saved me and a lot more people would understand that then I have a mental illness, and I have psychosis and things like that. And if I follow the line of Jesus, I didn't mean someone that was very Jesus like, and I talked about how he made me write down, create this Dream Center where people that are homeless can go to heal and have their dignity restored, and then connect with meaningful work. And so I feel like I'm supposed to do that, or at least try. And so that connects me with embodying my mania. If I go back and truly harvest my mania, that was one of the experiences that is harvestable. And and that would be connecting with my altruism. Notice how much noisier it is now that the snow has melted. I really feel like that was an act of divine intervention to put the snow air for over a month, so it'd be nice and quiet. I remember when I was in my first mania, I thought I could control the weather. Maybe the weather does intervene for us sometimes. The SATs an optimistic way of looking at it. Giving thanks for the snow for the peace and quiet that it provided. So yeah, I have a lot to say, because it's been 10 days. And so much has happened. And I wish I was able to make videos during the process. But I just didn't think that it was good to talk about stuff while I was in the process. And maybe next time it happens. I will or at least try to this time I didn't want to because well, usually I'm in the psych ward and I can't really make videos. I can once I get to the point where I can go outside on passes. But this time, since I was with my family, I just didn't really want to make videos about it. But perhaps next time I can at least somewhat The point of this video here is to show that nine days later, I'm back on my feet. And that crisis was just as bad as the one I experienced last year where I ended up in the psych ward and different care units for 33 days. So this time, zero days, a couple calls to my clinician. And I see my doctor today and I just want to be like, how do you explain that? How do you explain that with some unconditional love? Person centeredness not being directed to the hospital, because I didn't want to go was telling the people at the clubhouse. I don't want to go the hospital because of what happened last time. So the blessing of the last time being so bad was sort of that this time, I didn't want to go. Whereas had that not happened, I probably would have been like, yeah, I'm in the state where I need to go to the hospital. So these amazing people were able to keep me safe and somewhat calm, and they're so caring and wonderful. And, and trauma informed if you want to call it that. But I have relationships with these wonderful people. And and that was what saved me. And I'm so grateful, I just words can't really describe. Words can't describe because, you know, they get me out of the psych ward, and they helped me stay out of it. And that could be a big turning point. As not like I it's not like it was any easier. It wasn't. But it wasn't made worse. There wasn't a layer of trauma added by being put in a psych ward and pathologized. My family was very helpful to they just brought me some Moringa powder in juice just checked on me but didn't really pry too much into what I was going through, which was very helpful and, and I didn't feel judgmental eyes and feel anything but care. And it really was such a stark contrast to what I experienced last time. And I actually have a phone call about what I experienced in April, soon, anytime. And I'm really concerned about this whole I intragenic illness thing that I heard the term actually couple of months ago. And then I heard Dr. Kelly Brogan talk about it on her interview on the vaccines revealed program, so it wasn't actually related to vaccines, but she was just talking about how she realized by giving people medications. If she didn't really explain to them that it'd be really hard to come off of these medications. If they were on it for a certain period of time, meaning the medications were going to induce symptoms they didn't have before they started taking the medication, then she wasn't truly giving informed consent. Now she actually helps people come off their medications. And since she's really knowledgeable that coming off of them is actually quite difficult. And then usually that difficulty is translated into Oh, you need your medications. But really, she talks about how the body adapts, and then it seems like we need it. But really, we're just adapted. So I wonder how much of mine is that or I even feel like for me from the very beginning it was I estrogenic because the first medication I was put on olanzapine made me really worse. Maybe better for a little bit but then it made me worse after a month and made me really, really, really suffer. And it wasn't till I went back to the psych ward and was taken off of it. I felt better. So that kind of medication just doesn't do well with me. And it never has. But I feel like since I was put on at first, it made me seem like I was so unwell it turned me into a chronic patient because I showed how I looked in a different video, I was all puffy and big and. And that was basically a mental patient. And since then I've been recovering from being turned into that, which only took two and a half months to turn me into that. But it's taken five and a half years to get to this point. And I'm still on medications and stuff. And I'm not saying that it's all that because I'm also the type of person that doesn't really regret stuff in that I'm always learning. So I've learned a lot to this point. So by having that first bad experience, and then having a so called relapse three and a half years later, that was good, it was quick, in and out of the psych ward, and then another relapse That was quick in another psych ward, and then go to the psych ward and be treated in a way that was similar to the very first time. Even actually, after the very first time, I went back to the psych ward, and I insisted not to be put on antipsychotics, and the doctor listened to me, put me on an antidepressant. And I was on a combination of medication that I was okay with. And from there, I was able to take steps towards getting better. And I had a really good time along the way. So I don't regret that. So for me personally, I actually don't regret if there was any suffering induced by doctors, because I've learned a lot. I've learned what works for me, I've learned what doesn't work for me, I'm continuing to learn maybe one day I'll be able to learn my way out of having to take anything, or maybe not. Because I definitely have been through stuff and done stuff to myself that maybe I need to be medicated. So I don't even know, I think there's a lot I need to embody, before I can take this crutch of medication off. Because when that comes out of my system, it's going to make me feel worse. Before I feel better, and I need to be in a place where I'm strong enough to feel that worst sness if that's a word and cope with that, as well as go on with life. So I would say one thing is financial. Another thing is having a quiet environment to live in being connected with my friends. So it's not something that can be taken lightly. It's something very serious. And part of it too is by doing those things. It's lifestyle design. It's designing my life in a way that is in alignment with what wellness is for me, and it's different for everybody. So I know for me right now, if I was just to go off medication wouldn't be a good idea. Especially after just having a crisis and and it was really, really terrifying. And I'm still here. And sometimes I just have to feel like if I was meant to be dead, I would be dead already because that sure feels like chaotic elements trying to destroy my life. But it could be that it's trying to destroy something else. Like all the things that I saw and talked about, it gets to the point of being too much. So it almost goes to this extreme of too much and then fizzles out like an explosion, and it requires a few days of just resting to allow the brain to just get back to square one. Get back to basics and To me still feels afraid, more so than other times. But maybe not. That's hard to say. I'm only taking one Seroquel fast release at night. And since I do remember waking up afraid, I might try and take two. Because I do want to get back to baseline, I don't want to still be kind of afraid, though I feel like since this time, it felt more like PTSD than psychosis. Maybe that fear will just kind of be there. Now because it was more, it was more real in that it felt like it had more to do with me and my own experience in life, versus just dissociating and feeling like a homeless person. Maybe as a way to psychologically escape from that which I did not want to arise in consciousness as the equivalent fear and suffering that I actually have of my own. It's just translated into, I'm afraid because I'm feeling like a homeless person on the street. And there's a lot more to that there, I almost feel like homeless people are enlightened, and they sit there waiting to rescue those that need rescuing by their consciousness sort of being a mirror of the person in need. So we actually feel like we have to help the homeless people, but they're actually helping us when we just don't understand how. Basically, they're kind of like God in disguise. And we, we don't realize that and part of it is that if they were able to kind of stand up and talk to us, they might be talking about God and other things, and we just dismiss them. But that's all they can do is just sit there and then maybe talk about God if somebody engages them. But they're doing the same thing. They're sitting down and shutting up and freezing because because that's all they can do. But we don't know what they're experiencing, and consciousness and we all share the same consciousness. So it's quite complex. They're waiting for an angel to come and rescue them. So I feel like I need to go see the Dream Center equivalent in Calvary. And also go see Patch Adams because if I create this Dream Center, it has to be kind of like a Patch Adams place where everyone is equal. Whether it's the janitor, or the doctor or whatever. And even having people that are there in the Dream Center, starting to connect with their altruism right away, you know, feeling useful helping out. So it has to be I'm not sure. And I was thinking that it's more like people and space. It's not a system. It's just space, and people and what people bring to the space and the space that people create around them. And I already have a good example of this from the clubhouse. I've talked about mental health and been critical of things in the system. For the clubhouse model, I've never seen anything that I would think twice about because it's just beautiful, beautiful people, interacting with people beautifully treating people beautifully. It's It's wonderful and I really feel like I owe my life to that place. I went there after my second hospitalization after I had to be taken off that medication and was able to build a pretty good life. And I still go there and it's the people. So again, I can't be critical of my journey because I wouldn't change a thing though I would change stuff for the next generation of people who have to experience these services, because it can be quite painful and there can be a lot of harm. That people that are quite well meaning in the system are inducing. And they don't see that they're doing it. So there's so much to talk about, I haven't made a video and so long, but I made some notes in my book. And it's, it's all for me to remember what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. When I was watching my videos, I was thinking this is a good process. But I also need to talk myself into embodied mania, which is, which is pretty much just making sure I'm showered and ready in the morning and just showing up. It was Bell, let's talk day, yesterday, and I was at the clubhouse all day and had some really good conversations with people. And I just loved that place. I feel like how they helped me last week, sort of like how the Dream Center would help people to take them in and not label them just care for them. And I feel like I only live to that place. And I'm still intending to go to California. And if I do go I hope I can have some space and some silence to just come back and and do the best I can for other people. And I think I'll be able to serve people better without labeling them and judging them. Then I could by participating in the paradigm that is bent on that. And that's why I really do like the clubhouse because they don't ask about diagnosis. It's really just a community of people of wonderful people that are misunderstood. And the people that receive them unconditionally, non judgmentally. And so it's just beautiful. You can't tell the workers apart from the people who go to the clubhouse and and that's so important. So I'm really happy that I was able to make that doctor and the system obsolete. For myself, at least this time. That's English prime. This time, not saying go on never happened or have to go to hospital. I'm just saying this time. I was able to just lay there, freeze waited out and not allow my inner chaos and turmoil and pain and suffering to flower into the whole hoopla around going to the hospital. I'm not saying that that's a good idea to not go to the hospital. It's definitely the best out there right now. I'm just saying that it is possible to get to the point where one can avoid it with enough support. Even I've talked about my SAP strap when I wasn't quite ready to leave and I was starting to feel very terrified. I thought about my zap strap and I thought, should I just fasten myself here now. And I felt like get to the clubhouse, get to the clubhouse get to the clubhouse. And so knowing that I had that option made it so I could get to the clubhouse. So it's not just a matter of Oh, I don't need to go to the hospital. There's a lot involved in that. That means abstract by my bed I have a few Seroquel. And so I'm ready any time. And as long as I grab my phone I always have a charger cord beside my bed, then I can lay there myself as long as I want and then call for help. And maybe next time, that's what I'll do. I'll just lay there and wait it out myself and then call for somebody to release me when when I'm ready. I'm not sure that would sort of be the next level is doing it without anybody's help. And also another thing I could do is take Seroquel earlier maybe to avoid that from coming on. I was talking about it in my video on the fourth or the seventh. And then it was the 18th that things went down. So I wonder if next time I can prevent it from really going that deep. Right now I'm on Seroquel daily, and I'm not sure how long they'll take it I have a feeling that I might have to take it a little bit longer because of the different flavor of this crisis. I don't know. Usually I would still be on it like twice or three times a day right now. I've only been taking it at night for several days. And I don't know if that's quite enough. But the thing is, I want to be able to drive and stuff like that. So so we'll see what happens but lots to talk about with this. And I'm really looking forward to not talking about mental health after this week or so, because there's still because there's still a few things that I have to deal with. So yeah, this is not meant to say stay out of the hospital. It's just for me, I'd like to make that kind of care and treatment obsolete. putting myself in the path of being put turn alizedpeople, experiencing, talking, crisis, brain, psych ward, dream, feel, mania, embodied, day, clubhouse, mental health, ward, treated, psych, gestures, life, person, altruismI feel like it's a countdown until my next crisis. That seems to happen every six to eight and a half months, I was able to stretch it out to eight and a half months this time, because the next longest was eight months. And it was a couple days after the new year that I was sort of celebrating gay. I haven't had a crisis in over eight months, which was the longest time without a crisis. And then I just had a crisis that started nine days ago. And already, seemingly mostly through it, even though I am still taking a circle at night. And I'm hoping to be able to stop that by two weeks maximum, so that would be five more days. But we'll see. I really liked how this time I could administer my own medication during crisis. And I wasn't in the hospital. So I could almost od on it, if I chose to, which I wasn't really intending to do, or not take any of it or just take one a day instead of maybe three a day if I was in the hospital, so I liked that. Yet, the crisis was more intense in my brain, that one night, and I must feel more afraid of it because it's the fourth time it's happened. And it seems to happen every six to eight and a half months. So I really feel like I just have a countdown until the next one. And I wonder if there's anything I can do to prevent it from happening. And one thing I am doing, which I have been talking about is to no longer work in mental health, at least in the part of the system that I find, for me, at least, at times, does more harm than good. There's other areas of the system that do work really well. The ones that are more relationship based and psychosocial based. And that's really what saved me from having to go to the psych ward was the relationships at the clubhouse, so I will be no longer working in mental health. But there are still a few things that I need to do over the next couple of weeks to tie up some loose ends. And I hope they don't bother me too much. It's interesting how crisis sort of erases my memory. I don't really remember what I was talking about. I remember talking about like brain growth and all this stuff. And I'm sort of thinking, I don't know if it's good to actually grow one's brain in isolation, whether that's part of the process or not. And even with embodied mania, if it's not relational, then it can get out of hand. Because even if one is able to grow one's perspective, to be able to see more and more and understand more and, and read between the lines of reality, it gets to the point where one's brain is almost like one with reality. And when it's one with reality, one loses one's individual ego identity. And when that happens, it's hard to operate in society. And when one sees so much and then sees too much of things that are maybe interesting and good. One can also see things that one might not want to see which is partly what the egos job is is to block those things that we're not ready to look at and ready to see yet. And medication can help with that as well. And I also feel like the state of shame is dangerous for sure. So I got myself into a place of shame yet a strong perception of things. And I saw way too much. And then my brain almost has to go to seeing way, way, way too much possible futures and then basically get, like fried by aliens from outer space or something. And then, and then just come back to like, whoa, whoa, like that was the scariest movie I've ever seen that I had to experience inside me instead of on a television screen. It was absolutely terrifying and so scary that I can't even really remember it. And I don't want to actually, it was unbelievable. And that's probably why it's easy to forget, because it's very hard to believe. So. So I'll just kind of forget about that stuff for now. And move on to embodying mania. And today, I went to the clubhouse. And I was there most of the day, because one way to stay embodied is to be around other bodies. So embodying one's mania isn't just about embodying one's mania, but making it relational, which I think I was talking about a long, long time ago. And also, by making it relational, it makes it more embodied because you're embodied as that version of yourself, and then you're relating in that way, which mirrors it to other people, which mirrors it back to you, and you're interacting in that way. So even now, after having those terrifying experiences, and going through that process, I'm not wanting to go and relate about that stuff, because it's not. That's actually the stuff I experienced, actually, it was not worth harvesting. And it seems that those seeds just died into oblivion, and I can't even remember them. So it's not something that I can reflect on and be like, well, I want to harvest that the experience was more harvestable in terms of very near to ideal scenario, from me being able to stay out of the psych ward, as opposed to being funneled into the system, I can almost see myself as the seed getting myself to the clubhouse and then getting myself to my family with their health. As opposed to being this person who walks toward the psych ward, and the ambulance and the police or whoever would be interacting with me in that whole scenario. Didn't happen, I didn't unfold that as what flowered in front of me, I was able to avoid that. And that's taken years to be able to do it takes relationships and trust and, and friendships and family and prs ends and quiet and surrender and just laying there and waiting out whatever it is that wants to implode in my brain. And and it was kind of nice to not have to explain what I was experiencing inside to professionals because they'd be writing it down and then using that as justification for changing my meds or, or putting me through some new kind of rigmarole. Whereas I just gave myself extra meds and just laid there and I didn't have to talk about it. Or say how bad it is for them to decide if I'm worthy of being in the psych ward or not. And all of that that happens because usually if I go I have to explain it to one person, and then another person and then another person, and then they decide and then I wait and then I get into the psych ward. And there's this whole long process. And I didn't have to repeat any of that stuff. I did talk about some of what I was experiencing to the people at the clubhouse. And it was more just having a conversation about it as opposed to having them gather that information in terms of treatment and diagnosis and things like that. So it was quite ideal. And again, I'm very grateful. And I do actually feel like unconditional love heals all, my family was unconditionally loving this time, not that they weren't before. But before they funneled me to the psych ward, that's all they knew how to do. But somehow, this time, I was able to get there. And they were able to care for me for a couple of days. And, and then I was sort of back to myself to some degree. And even though I was very much in a state of panic, PTSD, trauma, terror, everything, I was still able to remain watchful about what it was that people were doing to me and how they were treating me. And I just remember, seeing, like, Wow, this is amazing. They're doing exactly what I need. And I don't even have to say anything. And I feel like, I feel like somehow, by talking to myself so much about this stuff, that almost created that in the fabric of reality somehow, or the fabric of my reality. Because we're talking so much about how I had a bad experience in the psych ward, I really knew in my heart and brain cells in neurology, that I didn't want to go to the psych ward. And the people that I was talking to, they also knew that I didn't want to go. So they didn't just immediately put me in that direction. They were able to use their skills that they had, as well as the fact that we have a relationship and, and connection and, and mutual respect and understanding and, and use those factors, those inner human dimension factors, to keep me feeling calm and save, and, and listen to me and understand me and, and just provide that space, and it just shows the hearts of those people. It's just amazing. And I just wish that people like me could be treated that way without having to have the relationships. What I mean is a person could go to the psych ward and be treated that kind be treated as if we are all friends. be treated with unconditional love, even though a person might be saying and experiencing things that are seemingly strange. Seeing that it's temporary, and somebody can really get back on their feet very quickly if they're treated with compassion and care, more so than if they're treated with paternalism eyes, and, and, and that kind of treatment that we all react badly to. Whether we're unwell mentally, emotionally, physically or not, nobody likes to be told what to do. People like to be collaborated with and listened to. And so I don't understand why that just can't be the norm. So yeah, I was watching the whole time with the part of me that was completely lucid, because there's still a large part of me that is very lucid during those times and and I just felt very grateful that I was being treated exactly how I would ask, and maybe that's part of what I created in the fabric of my reality and in my neurology by talking to myself because like I said, this time was more of a flashback than a dissociation and by having a flashback, I was still me having a flashback versus just sitting there dissociated and terrified. So perhaps by talking to myself, I was able to get myself into a state where I could talk about some of that and also remain myself and I think I even said that in a video a long, long time ago, that my problem is that I need to kid Darcy, which is a Spanish word for to remain myself. I think to remain oneself. So I was able to remain myself, partly because I knew I had this app strap. And I was able to finish getting ready and drive myself to the clubhouse, which is about 1520 minutes away. And getting there. They diverted me from the hospital as well to my family, and my family was able to watch out for me. And they didn't look at me in a fearful way, mainly to because I know now that if there's scary stuff going on inside, that it's not happening on the outside. So it's something that I have to go through myself. And I've talked a lot about a lot of it and how it could be this and could be that and so many different reframes. I don't even know if what I experienced this time in my brain even fits any of the reframes that have said it was very strong and powerful. And, and so many things, it's it was just like, a death. And I was basically ready to die if I needed to. And so what I'm saying that is I didn't try to engage my family and getting them to talk with me about the stuff. They're not mental health people, they're not counselors, the stuff I was experiencing inside was, was not congruent with their reality. So when I got to the place where they were to stay with them, I wasn't like, let's start talking about these aliens wrapping my brain. No, I just went to bed lay down, was experiencing hell inside. But I was just laying there quietly and taking extra circle and trying to get some sleep and, and it went on for a day. And, and then bits and pieces after that. So by me just surrendering to the crap, I had to go through myself, which I would have probably talked somewhat about if I ended up in the hospital because I have to justify why I'm there. I'm experiencing this and that and the next thing. So by avoiding the hospital, I don't even have to talk about some of these awful things that were going on in my brain. And and that could have been partly why they just sort of disappeared into oblivion is because I didn't talk about them. Whereas if I would have been up and about in the psych ward, and maybe writing about stuff or, or having to talk to nurses about what I was experiencing. Maybe that would have given some kind of remembrance to it. But I just let it all wither away. And maybe that's why it was a lot faster to I didn't really engage it. So there is something to not engaging some of it. Especially if one wants to remain outside the psych ward, I chose to just surrender lay down, ready to have my brain dissolve and dive if necessary. And that didn't happen. Though, I probably killed a lot of brain cells by taking Seroquel. And when I talked about the brain growth thing for I think certain medications actually make the brain shrink. They say the mental illness makes the brain shrink. But I think most people that are diagnosed with a mental illness are probably on some kind of brain shrinking med. So they never really take that into consideration. And even if they do control for it, it's probably manipulated in some way to make it like oh, it's not the meds, it's just the brain shrinking, which maybe it is maybe the brain actually needs to shrink somewhat after growing to such a point of seeing and experiencing so much internally that it's a bit too much. And I think to that, again, it's important to be embodied. embodied mania, have the gestures going share the energy to create those neural networks of sharing and gesturing in those ways. So it's actually embedded in the organism, not just as a blueprint in the brain. And I was spending too much time by myself. I was at home a lot, the weather was bad, I made a lot of videos with myself. And I think that was a good foundation, because I actually think that a lot of what I was talking about with myself, helped actually create this more ideal crisis situation that just happened. And now for the embodied mania part, instead of just harvesting, instead of just talking about it, the embodied part is actually something I need to work on now. And one way to be embodied is be out around people. Because one is also relational. So by making one's body visible to other bodies, one's body is kind of more real, in a way, because other bodies, which are almost like cameras are seeing you are seeing me. And so when I was, well, for three and a half years before my first so called relapse, I lived in a supportive housing building. And the clubhouse was downstairs. So I was always, always always around people being seen by people and seeing people and saying hi, and smiling, just the gestures of being alive and being human. And then I worked for a chiropractor. And so I was always around people again, at least five days a week, seeing lots of people that would come into the office. And I lived alone for a year and a half that time. And then I ended up back in the hospital. I had gone off my meds with the help of my doctor. But then after that I had the parasport job where I'm not really around as many people. And so I think that being around people is one way to stay embodied. So that's what I did today. And another way would be, go to the driving range, hit some golf balls, go snowboarding. These are things I can't necessarily afford right now. But I think having a few different activities that are using my body and not being so much in my mind and not talking so much about abstracting about harvesting mania and thinking about the way the brain works, I need to start to think about how the body works and not just think about it, but actually just use my body. And sitting here on the couch making videos is not really a good use of my body, I don't think so I still want to make videos, but it's important for me to actually just be in my body, especially after a crisis where there's all these weird thoughts going on. Less thinking and more. More moving and and interacting with people is going to be important. I think in the summer, I'm going to buy a stand up paddleboard, and then that's a way to go out and just be on the water. And so I realized that I need to actually start living my dream, or I'm going to keep reliving my nightmare, as in psychosis, or PTSD. So I need to tie up the loose ends with the mental health thing. I'm still going to go to California and see how long I'll be there. Hopefully, I can still make some videos. And I'm hoping to get trained in ecpr while I'm in California, and also wanting to go see Celine Dion. For some reason, after my first mental health crisis, I would just watch a lot of her music videos and her different DVDs like her world tour one and then she had a different one of her concert in Boston and she's just such a beautiful and integris person that it just really helped me to watch her. And then luckily I met a beautiful and integris person to just be my mentor in real life. But I feel like I want to see Celine Dion Live in Vegas. And I did go to Vegas to see her, but then she had canceled her show. So I did go, but didn't get to see her. And since I had this latest crisis, I missed out on a bunch of hours at work, too. And so it seems like my funds are just hard to come by, they're hard to come by in mental health. So when I get back, I'll probably get a job, maybe working for a chiropractor again, or something like that. Something that's just fun, and not requiring a lot of seeing things that could be somewhat dramatic. And I'm still going to bring ecpr here in September or October or something like that. So I'll be working on that while I'm gone. So that's part of my dream. And also, I'd like to learn something kind of musical like, like electronic music production, I used to do a little bit of that. And maybe singing. And I also want to take a trip to the Dream Center in Calgary, and a trip to see Patch Adams and take a course with him. Because I feel like if there's some kind of Dream Center created to help people, it needs to be somewhat like Patch Adams, equality. And I probably talked about that in my last video, I think. So I wonder how many of my dreams gonna make come true in the next eight months. And we'll embodying that and, and experiencing that prevent the next crisis. I don't know if it will. But by not working in mental health and replacing that with dreams, it could be a good step, and it could at least be more fun. And when I think about it, I was able to be very well for three and a half years. So there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to again, somehow, I was also thinking that I could go back and watch my videos and try to extract the key concepts because that way I could actually embody them. So I could work towards embodying some of the stuff I was talking about and actually test it out. Or I might just go about being more embodied and see what comes out of that. So one thing is altruism. I do have some food that I want to give out to homeless people. So I could do that one day, I was thinking of doing a 30 day altruism challenge, making sure I get to do something altruistic each day. The trouble is those that I don't want to get hyper sensitized to traumatic things right now. So exposing myself to people that are suffering right now might be really difficult to see. I need to be a little bit stronger. I think I think I need to get this mental health stuff off my plate, because the whole thing about what I'm sharing in terms of mental health is that a lot of times people are very traumatized. And it's made worse by the way they're treated. So that trauma is not taken into account. So if I'm still talking about that stuff, it might be difficult to actually go out and see people suffering at this moment. So by staying out of the psych ward, I feel like I just accomplished the psychological equivalent of the four minute mile. Before Roger Bannister ran the four minute mile most people thought it was impossible for human beings to do. And before I would have thought it was impossible for me to stay out of the psych ward if I had a full blown crisis, so called psychosis. But I just actually pulled off a four day crisis. Without the Ipu. I also need to find more laughter again, somehow I used to laugh all the time laughing, being ridiculous all the time. Mental Health just isn't that funny yet. I thought of a saying May your dream unfold the dream of humanity and of course more nature would be great. I also thought of making a budget for things like the stand up paddleboard and, and seeing Celine Dion and, and just going for it. I don't really have very much money right now, but I have a lot of credit. And I sort of wonder if I just started going for my dreams, regardless of cost, within reason. And also started up that social purpose business, if I would be able to sort of get to this place where I am able to pay for the things I want to do, because what I mainly want to do is learn and if I travel somewhere, it would be to learn like to go see patch items. That's what interests me the most is just learning. And then also having it created so that some of the profit goes towards the Dream Center. And even if the Dream Center wasn't a building to start, like an actual full out, building, I feel like individual people can be dream centers, they can activate their dream center and become a space to help others activate their dream center. And that would sort of be in alignment with the peer potential project that I talked about. And I don't even remember all that stuff I talked about. But I do need to go back in terms of those projects, as well as just embodying mania. And being in my body and less in my head. And if I'm in my head, do so with other people in terms of conversation and dialogue. So even though I still have quite a bit of stuff written down in terms of the direction I was going before, I feel it's important to put that on hold because I could go that way. infinitely, I think. Now, I feel like it's important to embody all this self dialogue I've had so not just embody my mania, but embody the self dialogue, because so much of what I was talking about, from harvesting mania, and just thinking about the brain and everything. That was all harvested from self dialog, and like I said, most of it I just came up with in the moment. It wasn't actually something I wrote down. So I wrote down something I thought of and then when I was talking about it with myself, thought of something else. And I could do that infinitely. But what I'm saying is, I harvested the mania but I'm also harvesting myself dialog or I need to go back and harvest myself dialog and put the key concepts together for myself in order to create my life as a dreamscape. So maybe the only way to escape mental health is to have one's life as a dreamscape. And sometimes I think of the concept of escape velocity. And I feel like we could have dreamscape velocity, I need to be going at the speed of my dreams or moving towards that dream. And that's what the velocity is, is. It's where it's either going away from one's dreams or going towards one's dreams. And so I think it's important to do that. And that's what I need to be committed to from now on or I'll just end up being committed to the psych ward again. So hopefully, some good stuff comes out of it. I hope to be able to be embodied and to unfold my dream which is really to see other people who have gone through similar things to myself be able to transcend and transform and live the life of their dreams and have their visions that they probably had. And find people who have a similar vision because this Dream Center project isn't going to come together by just me. And I'm lucky that I know that I do have people in my life that would support that. And it's interesting because I could say, Oh, I'm building the Dream Center, because Shane told me to who Shane, I don't know, some homeless man. But I've met once. And that sounds kind of crazy. And it is kind of crazy in a way, but it's something a crazy person would try and do. And I think a person has to be pretty crazy to actually think they can change this world and to attempt to, but I feel like if I don't attempt to change this world, make it better for the next generation. Then I'll probably be attempting to end my life again, at some point. So I feel like I've died several times, I don't really have much to lose. And so some of this embodied stuff is actually gestures to myself gestures to myself that I'm going to remain in this body. So I managed to remain myself. khadar say, How do I remain this body? How do I, how do I walk out life as this body without having it in congruent with what's going on in my brain to the point that I just have to lay down for a couple of days, to be able to be revived? me say one out of five people has a crisis like this, or some kind of challenge. And so I want to help a billion people. And I feel like I need to repay my karmic debt to the universe. So these CPR, I want to work in prevention, preventing people from getting a label. And also people that do have labels preventing them from being re traumatized by the system. And also perhaps getting them to a point where they might be able to heal from their label and actually recover from the system not necessarily recovered from mental illness, because a lot of it is it genic and caused by the very treatments that are there to supposedly help and some of them are helpful some of the time. But some of the time, it's not helpful and makes things worse. And that's the part that is not cool to me. So yeah, I feel part of it, though, is get connected to your altruism right away. If you felt that altruistic sense in you. And you felt so much suffering and pain, it's probably because you were connecting with your altruistic sense. And you're really feeling the situation's that you were seeing, and maybe all the situations related to that situation you were seeing that you never realized that you didn't really see before in the past, so it's not just the pain of that situation, but all the ones that we missed along the way, because we're busy thinking about something else. And so it can be very painful. But I feel if we can get connected to our altruism right away, then that would be in alignment with what the process is trying to connect us with the fact that we're all one consciousness. So when we're seeing with that one consciousness, we see and feel what it is we're seeing, because we have that in our neurology or mirror neurons, in order for us to be able to respond adequately to situations for not blocking it off with our mental mentalization. So anyway, if I'm not able to go out and be altruistic yet, because of sensitivity of vision, acquired highly sensitive person hood, then I might just make small donations to different charities online, or something that I can do that won't hurt my heart too much. I was speaking to a woman who said that in the native culture, a crisis like a hat is actually called a snake bite because it slows us down gets us to reflect on what we've experienced lately. And and we sort of shed a skin and it's interesting because I've talked about brain metamorphosis or brain chrysalis and and yeahSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So I've been having some interesting insights lately. I don't know if they're insights, but I feel like I'm in a slightly superimposed state where I can see many possible futures for myself. And that's happened before. But I feel slowed down in the, if I see a certain possibility, and it's kind of scary, I don't necessarily get scared. And in that way, it seems my brain keeps calculating different possibilities. And then it also goes back into past experiences and past superpositions. And, and ways that it feels like I've quantum jump to different realities. And how the process of so called psychosis is trying to resolve some of those. And I've been in the position of nearly taking my life a couple of times, but not wanting to, and managing to keep my body safe. From that possible future, in which I don't exist. He had a talking about that, I feel like if I go back to certain events in my past, that that's where the split was, there were several futures where I didn't exist. And I sort of had to transport my way out of there, somehow, and go to a different reality where I existed. And I wandered there for a while. And I went to the USA, and then when I came back, I realized I was in a reality where I didn't necessarily exist, even though it seemed like I did to me. I'm on that trajectory, wear itself out and I was close to ending my life. I was diagnosed with a mental illness, to sort of explain away all the weirdness. And I'm wondering to myself, if I almost need the mental illness right now. Because if weird stuff happens, I'll just be told, oh, that was your mental illness and medicated. And it could be the same thing it could be that I understand it's a bit of a different process. But that's not the understanding of society. So I can still go about the process of accepting the treatment. That sort of allows me to read material materialize or reconnect with my body. Because it's almost like consciousness becomes disembodied. And when that happens, it can appear to die and other people's realities. In my reality, it becomes another episode mental illness. Which is sort of like dying several times throughout life. Instead of really being concentrated in one's ego self. When one gets to places beyond the ego self. One might leave the body or could even be that could even be true that for each of us, that When some kind of trajectory of our life ended, we get some sort of medical problem to explain it away. It's really complex. And this is the first time that I feel I've been able to really look at this without immediately acting, and then rushing towards a scary trajectory that puts me into a state of psychosis, where it's too confusing. And then people come and sort of rescue my body medicate me to slow my brain down. So then consciousness doesn't sort of go flying off into another dimension where I might continue to exist, I don't know. But I don't necessarily exist with the people that I care about now. In saying that, I can use the medications to sort of modulate consciousness myself, instead of getting help from the medical system, I have a slight sense that this could get me in trouble, in that, I might feel like I'm handling things like I do. I feel not great, but I feel strong. And I feel like that trajectory of doing it that way, might lead to the story of, Oh, she seemed fine. We never suspected anything. And then I'm found not living. In that reality, at least. And that's the thing, it's more a matter of, I kind of want to stay here with the people that I care about, I don't want to go off into some other dimension. I'm not saying that's necessarily true, but or It feels like, since I no longer necessarily buy into the mental illness trajectory to keep me here in my body. Something else might happen, where maybe there's some kind of accident, my memories erased. And after we learn who the people I love are supposed to go to California, and I feel like stuff has come up from my past that might almost feel like I'm running away from that. To go to California, when I was planning to go already. So I'm wondering if the level of consciousness will be okay to go to California by the time that comes or, or if it'll be like escaping. I also feel like I could get harmed or killed on the way to California or something to bring me back to my family again. And I feel like I'm coming back. It's not like I'm going away forever. I'm just going away for a couple of months. I'll be back. Part of me feels like in order for me to stay with them in the same reality. They have to continue to see me as mentally ill. So things will keep happening to make it seem like a mentally ill. And that could be one of the reasons why usually when I have a so called relapse of psychosis, I'm actually quite engaged in doing a lot of different things involved in a lot of different things. It's like consciousness has expanded to a certain point and it's the roof and then when it hits the roof, it just flies back down to the lowest level again. And I feel like this time the level of consciousness I experienced, perhaps hit the roof in terms of reality, as opposed to just inner stuff. What I've unfolded as my life apparently getting a good position and peer support work. It's sort of the height of sort of recovery, plus career and everything and in the mental illness paradigm. And having created that, in reality, I decided, Okay, it's time to take that apart, because I don't resonate with this paradigm. And maybe I need to resonate with it a little bit in terms of needing some of the services a little bit still. But I just don't want to immerse myself in that paradigm where people are seen that way. Yet I struggle a bit because it's, it's, it causes a lot more suffering by the same time. I don't know, it's, it's confusing. I don't, I don't understand. And this is where sometimes I get stuck is what to do, because I don't know what's right and what's good. So even to say that psychiatry is fully bad is doesn't feel congruent, because in a way, me being labeled with a mental illness has saved me in a way because I feel like otherwise, I could have been dead by now. Because the mental illness thing is the only way people understand how people can exist in a quantum state. It's really strange, I don't know, I'm not sure. I guess part of it is if a person goes into a quantum state, and it's confusing, because it is. And they get afraid, and then they go along that line of fear. They're going to be running away from their self, and then be caught and medicated. So part of it is not being afraid of that state and understanding that it's a death. But life continues. And people that go into those states have to die in a way so others can continue to live. So a person who gets medicated by psychiatry, or they're sort of shut up from all the stuff they can see and might say otherwise. But this allows them to reintegrate back into society and nothing has to change. So it's one thing for scientists for physicists to talk about quantum jumping in quantum states. But it's another thing for a person who has actually jumped through multiple realities and could actually come back and tell the stories of it. And be like, Oh, you're actually dead in a different reality and blah, blah, blah. People will just be like, What are you talking about? I need to get some better cough candies. I also feel there's an alternate reality where I wake up from a coma. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this stuff, because I might mess up the future. Possible collapse with those wave functions? I don't know. Who cares? It seems like I'm doomed and not doomed. Either way. Maybe the less afraid I am of being doomed. The less doomed I am. Seems like the most difficult thing is to stay embodied. No might have said that before. Might need to take up something physical and stop all this mentalization not all of it but might be good to talk to people more But also feels like it's time to move towards the past that I was running away from the past that I escaped from, and why did I escape? I feel confused. But now I feel like when something enters my mind, it makes sense. But it sort of contradicts with something else that enters my mind next. So it's confusing. I feel like life operates based on synchronicity. That sort of quantum, and it's, it's life subprocessor in the process of life. Most of us operate in the realm of thought. There's something going on with the ability for us to communicate with each other. Seems this quantum process wants to communicate. But do others want to see quantum Lee it's almost like the rest of the reality is sort of a machine. In a way, people that are diagnosed with a mental illness are the people who are scapegoats. Because if they share their experience, then it was sort of make reality as we know it fall apart. I was certain to watch a video on YouTube called the mechanics of consciousness or consciousness mechanics. And it was interesting because it actually was talking about the Planck length, and how it's sort of like frames per second, which is something I said the other day. Usually, when I say something, I find the evidence for it later, versus just looking at something and hearing it and believing it in terms of what others are saying. But they were showing this plank, sphere thing. And they were showing how the Planck length is there's a space, that's the smallest space. And I was actually thinking that the space between two photons or whatever they are, is actually the space between the mind and the brain. And I have no idea if that's true. But then I was sort of thinking about how in the space is consciousness, so there's a level of consciousness. And then there's a space, which is the gap, the action potential that the mind has on the brain. And I was thinking about it in terms of how Dr. Daniel Siegel says the mind uses the brain to create itself. So depending on one's level of consciousness, the mind unfolds that reality in the brain. So it's not just mind and brain, it's the level of consciousness. And with bipolar, one can go up and down the levels of consciousness quite rapidly. And then that unfolds different realities for that consciousness as opposed to being stable in one level of consciousness, which is perceived as one's ego self. And then, some of that got me thinking about how there's movies about in the future, everyone will be very drone like, and if there are any people that are actually alive, they have to conform and pretend because if they step out a line will be obvious that they're not one of the drones and then they'll turn them into the drone or something. And I almost feel like that now I almost feel like even though I was critical of some of the things Tom Wooten was saying about acting in order in order to appease reality. In a way, I can see the logic of that now because I'm feeling low, though, I know if I go around talking about this lowness people will perceive me as not doing well, and then that'll be projected onto me, and then it'll just funnel me closer to being drugged again. So in order to not Get more drugged, not get more punished for being in different states of consciousness and not appearing as this continuous ego version of me. I have to pretend, in a way it feels like pretending. And maybe there's a way to not feel like it's pretending. I haven't figured that out. Because again, I don't want to remain in this victim mentality. Have you experienced a lot of suffering? Whether it's past karma, collective past collective consciousness, I know that I can take it. And I have because I was talking about before how lately it's been more this physical sensation that I've been having the last month. There's been some thought stuff. But it's not like this extreme physical se anxiety, that turns into this extreme fear thought. And then that leads me to feel like I have to take some kind of action towards that fear. It's more, say constant, so called anxiety, kind of low. But no thought forms associated with it, really. And so now I feel like some of the thought forms are coming out because it's gotten to a place in consciousness where I feel shame. So some of that is coming up. But it's coming up more in terms of, well, how do I want to move forward with this? And I could feel like Oh, the first thing that comes to mind, I'll just go with that. But I'm just waiting for it to really unfold for me. Because if I can't turn it into some kind of good, that is possible that consciousness will decide well, there's no point in going on. And I do want to stay here with my family and my friend feels like it's one thing to share all this stuff about brain growth and and it's another thing to share what makes the brain shrink in fear to the point where some brains do and their own life. And I've experienced that in in so called psychosis, but I've also experienced that in actual life. And I don't want other people that have to experience that. I really don't know. I have no idea. Remember when things first happened, I really didn't know. So I decided to run away and then I was diagnosed with a mental illness. And in a way it's bought me time. Time to build a good life where I feel connected and supported because I didn't feel that then I didn't feel like I had the strength. So maybe I saw that I do I don't know. I don't knowSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

consciousness, brain, ego, perception, feel, people, bipolar, future, thought, power, world, higher levels, reality, gravity, bird, sensitive, near death experienceThis morning, I did some trE, trauma release exercise. And then after I was done, I was laying there. And so I decided or it occurred to me to try to do a backbend, to just lift myself up backwards. And I remember trying, maybe a year ago or something, and I couldn't do it. Whereas I could do it two years ago, when I was in manic consciousness, and I was on the swimmer side as well. When I tried a year ago, I tried to lift myself up, and I couldn't. And so I tried this morning, and I totally could, and I will insert the picture here. So yeah, talk about power poses. Amy Cuddy talks about power poses, I wonder if she studied the back bend. How many people can do one, I couldn't even do one when I was a kid. So it just goes to show that as the ego loses its hold as consciousness is freed up from matter from gravity, from being inflexible, it becomes more flexible, the body becomes more flexible, and it becomes stronger too. Our own thoughts weaken our body. I watched a clip by Neil Hill born. And it's a three minute clip of him using the spoken word, and it's sort of like bipolar poetry, and he's talking about bipolar, different aspects of it. And he talks about how he seen the future, and different things like that. And it's quite good. But really many of the things he said are kind of delusional, if you think about it, he says he's seen the future, What is he talking about, whereas a person that has experienced transconsciousness, bipolar consciousness, that consciousness has seen the future in a way because consciousness is non local, it can kind of go anywhere, when it is freed up from the matter of the brain, from the circuits of the brain from the ego scar tissue. And it was also interesting about he talked about how he sees the future kind of like gravity, where we're all coming together as one. And it's interesting that he talks about gravity, because I've felt some kind of change in gravity in the process. And I feel like there's a change in the center of gravity, there's a change in the center of consciousness. And this is part of this co creative process that's unfolding. And in a way, I feel like, if now is eternity, and we're all here, there's certain number of people at higher states of consciousness. And they exist in a different world, because they're relating and communicating in a different way, they might actually occupy the same physical space, but other people at lower levels of consciousness are never going to come into communication with them, because they don't resonate with that. So in a way, there are different worlds, even though it's the same space time. And our own world is within our consciousness. And our consciousness has to be in that particular level of consciousness in order to interact with those people at that level. So in a way, going into my consciousness and higher levels, one is seeing and interacting at a different level, which seems like a future world, but it's actually a world that's happening now. It's just that our consciousness level isn't at the point where we're unfolding and experiencing that reality as now for us. So it's future for us, but that actual reality is reality for some people. And so then we fall down to prior levels of consciousness. Sometimes, the momentum of the fall, makes us dip into lower levels, ones that we don't necessarily occupy on a daily basis, but it definitely recalibrates us to the fact of the existence of those levels. And it shows us what happens when we exist in those levels of consciousness. And part of our prevailing level of consciousness is actually our family or friends our whole life. So that's why being at higher levels and then coming back down to one's life situation and no longer operating in that higher reality. That other reality if Feels like death. And it also feels awful. And it also feels like a hangover. Coming back to one's regular, monotonous Life is like a hangover. And then a lot of us once we've gone to those other realities in consciousness, same place and time, it's just a different level of consciousness. When we come back to this level of consciousness, this stuff seems pretty meaningless and crappy. And so it's difficult to actually get back into it. So it's difficult for people to recover back into buying into the crap that they used to buy into, because at higher levels of consciousness, that crap is no longer has any value. So since we come back down, we still have that sense that this has no value. But at the same time, we're in a reality that values that, and then is trying to get us to recover back into valuing that which we temporarily transcended. And so it's again, important to design one's life, to end the trance of being stuck in this level of consciousness. And it's also the morphogenetic field of the society that one lives in. Because that level of there's a certain level of consciousness that created this society. And so when we go off into map consciousness, we're no longer participating in the reality that we've created for ourselves, the mechanical habitual one, we feel free, and we feel like we're in this free reality, because our consciousness is free. But then we fall back down into the prevailing level of consciousness, but it's still did something. A change in consciousness is probably one of the only actions because it's a change in consciousness, and one affects the consciousness of the many, because it's all on consciousness. being filtered through us as bodies, we're like filters of consciousness. And our brain filters consciousness through our thoughts. But if we are not blinded by our thoughts, then we actually can see clearly. And when we can see clearly, we learn and when we learn, our consciousness level goes up. If we're seeing the same thing all the time, we're stuck in the same level of consciousness. So I also liked his spoken word thing, because it shows that he has a gift, he has talents, he's using language in a different way. He's using it in a creative way. He's become a bipolar poet. He's not repeating linear past memories. He's, he's putting, he's translating some of his perceptions into transformative communication. And that's part of what we need to learn as transconscious individuals, well, how do we translate what we see into something that is some form of communication, that will allow other people to see the same thing, not necessarily the same thing, but maybe see that they don't see. So if he can stand there for three and a half minutes and spout off brilliant poetry, not just saying a few words and repeating them for three and a half minutes, but actually very creative structures of language. And very intentional and very, he had to see that in order to create that to say. So it was a creative perception that created that. So that creative perception might allow others to see that it's a creative perception. Nevermind, if they can't see exactly what he's saying, never mind, if they can't see the future, they can maybe see that he saw the future. So that maybe makes them see that seeing something else is possible. So there's so many levels to that, and so many layers, and it's just, it's pretty beautiful. So it's wonderful, that he's able to express things that way enabled. In order to show his brain hasn't gotten duller, his brain hasn't gotten more effective. If anything, he sees way too much. If he can see the future, he's seeing too much. And it might only be too much because other people don't see it too. And I was thinking about how when people make small talk about the weather, in a way, it's a way for us to talk showing that we're seeing the same thing the same time. Like Oh, is it rainy today? Yes, yes, it is. Oh, hasn't it been horrible lately? Yes, yes, it has been. So we're seeing the same thing at the same time and in that way, we form a connection. Now can we take That sort of small talk scenario of seeing the same thing at the same time and apply that to higher levels of perception. Like, can somebody see that somebody might be able to see the future. And if we can see that, then we're not necessarily going to label and pathologize that person, because we might say, well, I can't right now. But I can see that others might be able to make sense, I can understand that. So seeing as the only action, the act of perception, if we don't see something, we can't act on it. And perception acts on the brain. And if something doesn't act on our brain, it's not acting on us at all. So in terms of saying things that are out there, because he said he can see the future? Well, I've seen the future to kind of forget, and that's part of seeing the futures is forgetting about it. Because if you're seeing it all the time, well, then it's, it's difficult to operate. And if you see the future, and then you try and make it something to memorize, well, then you're making it into a pattern, and then you're back in ego consciousness. So perception might be in the moment. Now, it might be something seemingly futuristic. It's important to forget all of them. Because soon as you cling to something, there's a stuckness. It's clinging to the ego. The very act of clinging creates the ego. The clinger is what is clung to. So I feel bipolar is actually learning to walk in both worlds, the world of thought, the world of consciousness, filtered through thought, and the world of consciousness, sensitivity of direct perception and action. There's the world that thought creates, which is the prevailing level of consciousness. And then there's the world that consciousness creates through direct perception. If we were to directly perceive now and to infinity, we would all work together like ants and create something different. And that would be sort of the gravity of what he was talking about, pulling us all together as one, to be one we need to be cooperating to be one consciousness, sort of like when the field of consciousness meets the field of gravity, without being warped by thought, without being warped by sound. It's actually this warping, the sound barrier of the ego that makes us feel like we're separate, makes us feel like we're separate things because it's judging things instead of observing things. And thought is a distortion of the past. I feel like map consciousness is actually shedding of the past, it's brain molting, I feel like there actually is a metamorphosis in the brain, a mutation and part of the brain actually molds or it could melt and become more fluid. Because the brain is made out of fat, and it's very fluid. And it could just be a change in fluidity of the brain cell membranes, and the brain cells themselves. And when it is fluid like that, it actually molds. So the ego dyeing process, when it feels like we're dying, we're actually experiencing a re hardening of the brain. And the ego structures are coming back into play and we realize that we're going back into prison. And again, people with mob consciousness or gifted people, we're just getting acquainted with our gifts. As we learn to walk in both worlds. Yesterday, I was feeling tired, and I was feeling tired for a few days. And I figured that maybe if I watch a few hours of TV, it'll give my brain a chance to be in passive mode, and to rest up a little bit. Being in transconsciousness. In sensitive perception, the brain gets tired. And I was thinking about how normal waking consciousness is like being half asleep. Whereas map consciousness is being fully awake. So if I watch TV, that's something that normal consciousness does. And it puts them even more asleep. It's probably like three quarters asleep. But I feel like it put me half asleep, because I was just passively watching this thing in my focal vision. And so it blocks perception and block sensitivity. So that was almost a way for my brain to sleep for a while to get some rest, I in a totally worked. I was watching the show called The Oh a, on a friend's recommendation, and it's interesting because it's about near death experiences. And I feel like if near death experiences replaced by map consciousness, or psychosis, they're talking about almost the same thing. Because a person has a death experience, or they actually die and they come back. And they're saying, they come back with gifts and more personal sort of transconsciousness, they come back with gifts, just like a person with near death experience. They come back and they almost died and take some time to recover. They probably just don't spring up, like, Oh, I'm ready to get back to life tomorrow. So in a way, I feel like map consciousness is also a near death experience. Once one comes out of it, it's just no longer near death experience. And it's it's trying to scramble and destroy the ego structures in order for a person to come back to this world and be different in the world. There's a part in the show where she swallows a bird hole. And then that sort of gives her a power. When she's in this death experience. I thought it was interesting, because the very first time I was in math, consciousness, and I decided to move towards death. Because I handcuff myself somewhere, so I would stay still, because I thought I was going to jump off the balcony. Interestingly enough, I didn't jump. And when I lay down, the first thing I experienced was being a bird flying south. So it's almost like maybe part of me did jump, and became the bird. But since I didn't jump, I became the bird anyway. And I remember actually laying there and all I could feel was that my mouth was like going like this. And I was actually making a tweeting sound. But I don't know if I just heard that in my mind, or if that was coming out of my mouth, but I could feel my mouth moving. So I was this bird flying south and then consciousness, my consciousness went into being a homeless person laying on the side of the street. And then I felt this angel tried to take me but and it felt like this big white light. And it felt so warm and loving. And they tried to take me but I was handcuffed to the balcony. So I remember I was I was feeling like I was being lifted up. But then it pulled even though I was still laying there, but I remember the feeling that sensation and then feeling like darn I have to stay here because I'm handcuffed. And then when my parents when my family came in the morning and found me and they flipped me over I felt like I felt like I was dead but I felt like I was at the scene of a car accident. And I was dying at the scene of a car accident and they had just come to my side and I never opened my eyes that whole time. Except for one time when I looked at my arm and I saw blood all over it. But I just closed my eyes. That was the only time I opened my eyes and and then when I when they finally grabbed me they won the pyramid came, they squash my finger and I winced. And then I knew I was alive. But I was surprised, because when I think about it, now I feel like my consciousness or consciousness left my body for sure. So even though my body was still physically alive, I was kind of technically dead in a way because it was, it was almost like it was trying to leave my body, it did leave my body went to a bird, it went to a homeless person, it went to having risks that were bleeding or something I don't know. And went to being at a scene of a car accident and went all these places. And then it came back to my body. I'm seeing some stuff that I shouldn't really talk about right now. But there's something around indestructibility. So most of us are communicating from our past. mob consciousness gives us access to future communication, which is seeing the new, which is sort of like seeing the future in a way because it's something new. It's bringing the new into the present moment, as opposed to the old, which is the past. So it's a different movement. Just as gravity is a force that pulls us together, I feel like consciousness is a force that pulls us together to our level of consciousness is what pulls whatever into our reality through the resonance of that consciousness. So more and more people resonating at that level is what is going to pull that possible future into the present moment. People are afraid of consciousness, because they're afraid of the power of the human brain. It's very powerful. And I'm wondering, I've read that our ears emit sound. And I wonder if people who go into my consciousness can actually hear this without hearing it, or read that energy as part of being able to read the pattern of somebody. So in that way, it could be one of the ways that we can tell when people are being judgmental and negative and, and it makes us feel kind of sick to our stomach. And the power of the human brain requires sensitivity, which requires ego lessness. And so these powers of the human brain can't be used for personal gain, they can be used for evil, because that which is evil is the ego. And if it's there, you can't be that sensitive, and you can't be that powerful. So it could perhaps be the only way to power is to selflessly want other people to see their power. Which is their power to see. Which has nothing to do with me and my ego. And nothing to do with the other person in their ego. Feel like the heart can actually pick up on the sound coming out of other people's ears, possibly. So the heart beats, and then the pattern of the sound coming out of the person's ear is picked up by the heart when it pings back. This morning, I had to email somebody and I was thinking, Oh, I could just leave them a message. But then I realized, if I left them a message, they would have to write stuff down. So if I email them, they don't have to write stuff down. And then from there, I was imagining what if we lived in a world where we couldn't write stuff down, or we couldn't put stuff in our calendar or we couldn't record things in general. In that world, it would be advantageous to be super perceptive and sensitive in the moment to know how to just act moment. moment, if we couldn't record anything, if we couldn't remember anything beyond our working memory, like the seven bits of information or something, we would really have to be sensitive and know how to read people. And then you might think, Well, you'd have to remember stuff in order to be sensitive to stuff. But it's not necessarily true. Because we would evolve the sensitivity of perception and understanding at the same time. Because if I have to remember this detail, and that detail and that detail, I'm projecting those details onto the moment, and I'm not actually seeing the moment. So that's the very point where the whole projecting memories onto the moment. It's about judging things in order to act in instead of seeing things and acting. If I want to turn on my kettle, I just look at it and press the button. I don't have to judge the kettle in order to understand the kettle. But we project our judgments on to things and then we don't understand it. Because the judgment is from the past. So by clogging ourselves up with memories and programs where we've programmed ourselves out of being in touch with the present moment, we're seeing our past knowledge as the 50%. And so mania isn't attention to the present moment, 100%. And that's why people have a bad memory. I remember actually turning on the kettle and then letting it boil dry, because I forgot about it. Because I was on to the next thing. I actually like to have things in view, I don't like closed cupboards and things like that, because if I can't see it, I'm not going to remember it. Because my brain works more on intention. It sees something and then it knows to do it, instead of thinking about what it needs to do. So this morning, I was getting ready. And then I just looked at my hands, I didn't think I'm going to look at my hands. I just looked at them. And I noticed my nails were long, so I cut them. So when the brain relies on to do lists, and, and plans and everything. It's so busy looking at its plans, its abstractions about life, that it doesn't see life. And so relies on plans. So I stopped making to do lists. Probably about six months ago, I used to have daily to do, I do have some in my calendar on my computer because I need to at least keep track of appointments and things. And I do have tasks that I need to do. But I used to put things on my to do list like cut nails, there's quite a few things that I've been able to just export to perception. Just wait until I see it and notice it and then do it. So when I saw that my nails were long, I could have walked over and put it on a to do list cut nails. But I sort of put it in my mind that I'll cut my nails when I'm straightening my hair. And the way I remembered was actually to move my nail clippers from their storage place to on my sink where I get ready. So that way, I gave myself a visual reminder of what I needed to do. If I want to move that I might have forgot. This might seem trivial. But when we start to use our visual field to remind us instead of abstract words and computers, then we get our brain more tuned to starting to look in to the present moment. But that was like half an hour later. And I didn't forget I did cut my nails. But if I would have forgotten I would have seen it again some other time. So things that we can see. We don't necessarily have to put on to do lists. That's one way to untrain the brain from to do lists is to actually leave some things up to perception to notice physicallySupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So as official, I think this might now officially be the longest. I've managed to stay out of the psych ward over eight months. Yet at the same time, today, I've been having some signs that I might want to Abort mission, meaning my brain seems to be going into further reaches of its growth that seemed too far outside. Even the context that I'm wanting to create right now. And the other day I talked about, well, maybe I will share some of the weird stuff too. And oddly enough, since I've said that some of the weird stuff has been coming through me. And I might share some of it just to give examples of things that I don't necessarily want to go further along the lines of their thoughts and perceptions that may or may not be true. They might be true in some other context. But if I go into that, then I'm alienating myself too much from the context that I'm creating, which is already beyond how consensus reality would would program us to see things and think about things. So Abort mission would equate to taking Seroquel PRN, when I was showering today, I felt a little bit fearful. And it's not because I was showering. It's just I was fearful. But one of my clues is, if I'm feeling fearful while I'm showering, while I'm kind of cornered, and then it's a clue that I could dissociate and disconnect and go into a terrified state where all I can do is sit there and wait for help. That's happened numerous times. So I don't want to get to that point, because that would likely mean I need to call for help. And then I would be hospitalized. And that's the very thing I'm trying to avoid. And I'm wrapping up some things with working in mental health, and I'm finding it difficult, some writing a few things. And I'm writing from the vantage point I've created for myself through self dialog and not through the vantage point of me and my mental illness. Which, before I never really believed, but I still humor that kind of language. So it's it feels difficult in a way because I feel alone in this context. And then I don't want my brain to start creating context that is just so out there. For example, I had something come to me around the whole Ascended Masters thing, and I don't even think about that. But it was like, Oh, the Ascended Masters can kind of take us over when we get to a certain level of consciousness because we're no longer our ego. So then what are we? Well, maybe we're the Ascended Masters, whatever that means. So, you know, well, that's lovely. But at the same time, I still I still would like to have some semblance of ego self for myself, because if I obviously didn't identify with being some kind of Ascended Master, then I might not even speak as myself and then my family will be confused, and probably scared. And then that's of no value because then I'll likely be pathologized as as as not feeling well or something. So I don't know if so, Some of those things are like these little clues. But then you just walk around and smile and nod at that sort of thing. And it also told me something like, I donated my body to science as in the science that I'm engaged in, in terms of seeing and the science of the heart. So it's almost like at a certain point, I'm no longer me. And some other aspect of consciousness takes me over. And then it's like, well, I've donated my body to science, which can be interpreted in a scary way, like being afraid of death, or it can be interpreted as some other element of consciousness is taking me over. Like I'm being erased, or almost, I'm erasing myself through this context creation. So it could even be the ego fearing that, because the ego fears its own death, but my ego has died several times. And it's always terrifying. But then there's some semblance of it left, when I get medicated back to reality. So if I don't want to totally lose contact with who I was, perhaps I need to take a Seroquel to slow the process down. Like I said, it likely slows down this brain growth it, it creates a state of hypoxia in the brain, and perhaps allows the oxygen to be diverted back to the ego process. Because I feel like when the ego feels like it's dying, it's because those dopamine circuits are being starved of blood and oxygen. So it's not actually dying, but it feels like we're dying, because that's what happens when we die is that that ego thing dies first. So we feel like, Oh, I'm dying. But that can happen during life, because that's the thing that dies, it can die numerous times during life. And each time it does. Part of it is sort of molded from us. It's like the ego is something that we're supposed to mold. Continuously, the old skin and the old thoughts and the old ways in in favor of new perception. So my new perceptual process has gotten a little bit out there, which happens, it does happen. And now I'm wondering, am I able to consciously stop that from happening? Or can I consciously do it through taking medication. Because if I end up in the psych ward, I'm going to get medicated anyway, extra medicated. So these next couple of days, I have to be extra watchful. And I just wanted to talk about it to myself, because this is part of the process. This is part of the learning process. part of the learning process could be learning to prune one's own insights. Because that very first time in manic consciousness, there were tons of them. And a good portion were definitely nonsensical. So right now, I'm in a state of learning where I'm able to speak to myself to process some of it. But I'm getting to a point where some of them are maybe things I want to prune out. Maybe they have some element of truth, 100 years in the future, or for 10,000 years in the past, who knows where it's coming from. So it might just be something that I want to consciously prune and not put any energy into that. Because if I decided to go with that possibility, I'm devote my energy towards that. Assuming that Ascended Master consciousness is going to take over my body. That is going to be very alienating if I actually take that as a belief. So why do we take anything as a belief, there's no real difference of taking that as a belief or taking. I am ugly as a belief, it's the same thing. So again, the importance of not believing anything that I say, or any insights that come to me, they're just ponderings and wonderings, and musings. And that's part of what the brain can Do and to be able to laugh at that, instead of taking seriously could be important. I have no idea I've gotten to this point right now where I'm just like, I don't know, no clue. And that's part of the Abort mission is if I dug myself out through medication, just sort of forgetting most of what I said, and starting back from the ego again, which is the starting point. How do you make the butterfly back into a caterpillar? reverse metamorphosis. I went ice skating yesterday. And I was sort of struck by watching a woman try to skate with one of those little helper things that you hang on to. And she couldn't skate at all. Never skated before, probably. And I've skated for quite a few years, so I can skate quite well. And I was thinking about how she's learning to travel on a new medium, the ice surface with skates on. And now if we saw that person, and we thought they were walking on the ground, we might actually think they were disabled in some way. But really, it's just about learning to walk on a new medium, or learning to skate. Just like in map consciousness is learning to walk with a different consciousness, learning to walk with a different medium in a different medium. And so when one falls flat on their face, we think that they're disabled, which just means they fell, because they're learning to walk in that medium. And a person can get up again, with a smile on their face, and, and try again, or one can get frustrated and give up and never try again. And to me, falling out of that higher consciousness is, like falling, if you're learning to ice skate. It's about how we choose to learn. After that, do we choose to learn with a smile on our face and, and wonder and try and celebrate the small gains that we make? Or do we put up a fuss and give up and being medicated and told that we're disabled for life is the equivalent of somebody else telling us to give up and to stop learning, and to not learn about what it was that we just experienced. And it's one thing to try and learn about it. So if I was learning to ice skate, and I fell on my face, I could go read a book on how to ice skate. Or I could try, keep trying to escape. And I could take lessons with somebody who knows. So I think the universe is trying to teach us something else to walk in a different way to move about space and time in a different way. And just like that woman trying to skate, she doesn't have the neural pathways for that balance. She doesn't have the neural pathways to move effortlessly. On that medium, just like we don't have the neural pathways to move effortlessly in that consciousness. But we have to practice and, and I feel like me, doing this self dialogue is the equivalent of what they talk about with visualization, how they say if somebody's shooting hoops for basketball, or, or just visualizing shooting hoops. When they get together after practicing either in their mind or for real. They both do just as well. So for me talking to myself about all this, I feel like it's the equivalent of shooting hoops in my mind. I'm practicing shooting hoops with the universe. In my mind, I'm talking with myself about a different context than the ego context. If I was just talking about the ego context, I will be talking about my past and I'll be talking about my patterns and I'd be talking about different aspects of personality and things like that. And would only be interesting to a very limited extent. And it's not actually going to grow my brain cells, it's just going to be accessing old memory files that are stored in my brain that are just clogging up my brain that every time I reactivate them, they're just continuing to clog up my brain, it'd be more useful to see that that has no value. Or at least that has very limited value. And might actually be valuable in terms of self dialog to remember some memories from the past in order to stay anchored as this person that I think that I am. Because if I started to think I'm not me, that's just gonna get me in trouble. And they're gonna be life while you have to be you. So we're going to medicate you so you think you're you again. And that might have some kind of validity, I really don't know. So point being. When I've learned enough about my own brain, it's possible that I don't need to go to the psych ward because I can do to myself, what they would do in the psych ward was just just give Seroquel quick release for 10 days. If I'm aware and imagine if all of us could get to this point, we wouldn't need psych wards. I think this is sort of the stage that Tom Wooten talks about when he talks about getting to the freedom stage of bipolar, having bipolar in order and being in the freedom stage where we can really be aware of our states and and modify them if need be, or remain in them and remain in order mainly in order to not alert the public and family that something's up because their interventions are going to be worse than the interventions we can give to ourselves if we're at that phase of awareness. I don't know if that's what his ideas behind it are but not just that but it does prevent a lot of unnecessary suffering of of the person in question as well as family members to see a person in a state and feeling like they're out of control and and needing other Whoa. I just got really dizzy and I've never had that happen before. total head rush man self dialog grows my brain. I don't know if I've grown it too much right now. did take some extra niacin and Thea Nene and glycine just to keep me calm. I have been taking more vitamin C and the one EMP every day so it could be something with the EMP too I guess the main point is to not get freaked out about it. Maybe it was the Ascended Masters One thing I know for sure is I don't like the smell of my pants. I did a load of laundry and I think I put too much in it, and and so it didn't really rinse properly, I don't think. So that might have caused it to smell kind of funny when I dried it. I don't know if that's the case, but I might have to change them before I go out. I could be dizzy too, because I've been eating a bit less food lately, because I haven't been as hungry. This is me trying to find some kind of logical explanation for that, that might have been one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced. After skating yesterday, to my friends, and I were looking at this mural, and it was his carved mural, and it was kind of strange. And then one of them's had can't figure out what that is and the top left corner. And it was this weird looking thing. And I said, it's a rock with a wave crashing on it. It's an ogopogo wearing a costume, I came up with like 10 guesses really quick. And then we kind of laughed it off. And then we're looking at the mural more, and then I looked back. And then I noticed right below this weird blob that we were trying to decipher was a train. And so it was actually the smoke of the train. And I laughed, and I was thinking about how it's funny because if we don't look at the whole picture, we can really wonder what something is about. But then when we look at the whole picture makes sense. have to look at the whole picture. Not just that bits of information. If we don't look at the whole picture of what we're talking about doesn't make any sense. So that could be the thing about consciousness as well as we're talking about stuff, we're not really making sense, because we haven't yet seen the whole picture. And sometimes when we get to the end, where we can see the whole picture we realize we don't want to see at all. And I guess that's what the ego is for us, blocking us from seeing what's really happening. Here's another here's another extrapolation I'd rather not entertain, though it could be entertaining, it could make a good movie, I had the sense that we were here as human beings on planet Earth, as animals as human animals, and then aliens, sent thoughts through the universe to infect our brains. And then through that, we're able to build the society as we have. But really, we're actually building this society and all these structures for the aliens. So then they eventually come here and just kill us all. And they live in everything that we built. Sort of like how some insects do that. They just, they're parasitic. And they, they, they use whatever in order to build something for them. And then they just take it over. Again, good movie script, not something that I want to devote my life to. And it's not just that we play the notes of the saxophone. It's how we play them. So I could say, the world is unconditional love. Or I can say the world is unconditional love. I feel like I'm having a growth spurt into the mind. And the mind is using the brain to create itself. The mind is using the brain to create the mind. So it has to create the brain cells in order for that to happen. So it's brain cell growth. I feel like lithium might provide some kind of capacitance for this because it's positively charged and the energy going through the brain in terms of electricity is electrons are negative charge. And I've read that lithium causes the brain to grow, the gray matter to grow and I had a weird insight about that, that likely the people who are taking lithium, who they study, their brains are already growing. So they study them, and they say it's the lithium. But in my theory, the brain growth process has been initiated by the Universe by consciousness, by natural selection by the universe needing people to actually use the rest of their brains besides their ego, prefrontal cortex. And so their brains already growing. And then they're diagnosed with bipolar or something. And given lithium, then their brains are studied and said, to grow, because lithium made it grow. Now, they might have done some kind of controls to prove that, by maybe other people's brains were growing, as well. But maybe they were on different medication that suppress the brain growth. So I don't really care to look into the studies because that's, that would take too much time. I just sort of thought of reversing what they say, lithium causes the brain to grow. People who get put on lithium, likely had this brain growth process initiated. And that's why they went into my consciousness and then were diagnosed as defective. How can they be defective when their brains are growing, but it's attributed to the lithium? Oh, what a miracle. I don't know about that. Because the truehope product, the EMP, their studies have shown that that their product helps the brain to grow to so maybe again, their products being taken by people who, who their brains are growing, but they did on rats, actually. So it's hard to say with that, maybe their product actually does make the brain grow and lithium. Maybe it does, too, who knows. But it could also be that the brain wants to grow. So if it's given some kind of positive charge mineral, whether it's lithium, or whether it's all the spectrum of minerals and the truehope product, it's going to grow because it needs that, that charge in order to grow those brain cells. And it needs the charge to be distributed through the whole brain. So that stuff probably goes to other areas of the brain, which then can divert electricity there plus negatively charged oxygen, and actually get those brain cells to grow. And I was thinking about how creating lots of new brain cells through the vibration of one's voice talking to oneself. seeing something new, and giving it a voice could almost be a buffer in a way to some of the other stuff. So I've had a few weird thoughts lately. But since I've created so much other context, it's difficult for my brain to go off on that tangent without having the buffer of other brain cells with lots of other contexts. So if I had a few weird thoughts, and I didn't have the context that I've created for myself, I might think, oh, what's my mental illness, oh, and then I get scared. And then that would make it worse. And then the next fearful thought would come in the next and the next and the next. But I've been able to sort of be like, Oh, that's not actually something that I want to go down the path of, just like, I wouldn't want to go down the path of being medicated, or pathologized again. And so the context helps with that again, too, because it doesn't allow my brain to get caught in that story that I've been told about myself. And just like, right now, here, there's a lot of snow on the ground. So what actually stops the sound, it's not so noisy from the traffic because it's buffering that the buffer of all the context of brain cells that I might have created for myself, prevents the noise of other people's stories and interpretations coming in to infect my brain. It's buffered with probably a lot more glial cells. And so I can't get stuck in any other neuronal tracks of thought patterns that society would infect me with. And if I don't have the buffer of all that extra sound cells in my brain of all these other things that I've talked to myself about, if some other thought comes in, it's going to sound a lot louder, because it's like this hollow brain with nothing and if something comes in hangs around, it's like, Whoa, that's so disturbing. Whereas if I have all this other context, it'll just be a slight whisper. And it'll just be like, oh, whatever. So I feel like the brain is trying to grow out of the ego, and is trying to grow out of fear as well. I feel like that could be why people have loud voices in their head. Because it's just one thought coming from somewhere else, apparently, and it's just bouncing around in the brain. And we've never been taught to engage ourselves in really wondering what that's all about. And some people have started to do that. And as they do, and as they develop more and more understanding for themselves about how they choose to understand it, or how other people have helped them to understand it. Those voices aren't as loud. I don't know if that means not as loud in volume, or they're just not taken as seriously. Because there's other understanding and context to hold those painful bits or disturbing bits. It's not like there's never going to be anything disturbing. But it'll be less disturbing if one has really engaged one's own brain around it. And it wants us to pay attention to something other than our ego voice, whether it's a voice as somebody else's voice, or just seeing something and having an insight. It's a different voice than the ego. And it can be just showing us that we're not our ego because if we were, we wouldn't be able to have thoughts and someone else's voice or things like that in our head. The mind is bigger than the brain, the mind is the entire field of what's available, and we can't see all of it. So the mind is helping us to move into seeing more of the mind...brain, consciousness, anti psychotics, process, labeled, mental illness, heart, sudden, ego, abstracting, blind spot, life, pattern, perceive, glimpse, order, person, bipolar disorder, feel, wonderingextrapolation, brain, anti psychotics, creating, feel, people, happening, antipsychotics, joke, brain cells, wisdom, talking, voice, listening, picture, blind spot, mania, part, meaning, personSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

I love tuner 528 hertz, I wonder if we can see 520 hertz, we can see sound if we can see the sound of love. Or if we can see love and speak love through direct perception. No idea. I feel like self dialog is real science. We think science is working for 10 years on one paper that most people can't understand. Whereas if we can speak with ourselves and develop direct perception of things, we don't really need science. There's a different type of science called science as c, e, y, E, and C. It's the science of the eyes of seeing, of seeing clearly and we can also hypothesize, also spelt with a Y e. It's a way of humanizing information within oneself, versus how we try to absorb things mechanically, and turn ourselves into mechanisms through scientific facts. There's the facts, we can see with our own eyes, if we're not blinded by our mechanized thought process. I skimmed through an article by Dr. mercola. And he's talking about the importance of movement. And I talked about this before, he talks about a lot because it's one of his main things as movement. And he says that if we're not moving, there's BDNF in the brain, which is bone, neuro trophic factor or something like that. And if we're moving, there's actually something in the brain. They discovered through rat studies called noggin. So noggin makes the brain cells grow, whereas BNF makes the brain atrophy. So he's saying exercise is actually important for brain growth. And it's interesting, because if we're sedentary, we're going to have more BNF in our body, we're going to grow more bone tissue, because our bones actually start to fuse together when we're not moving. And if we're sitting with our head forward, all day long, and we're not moving, it's going to fuse. So it makes sense that we have this bone generation factor in our blood if we're sedentary. But it's in our blood. So it's also in the blood in our brain. So in that way, being sedentary actually makes our brain atrophy just because we're not moving. So in movement, we're able to produce more brain cells, but I actually feel partly it's due to the fact there's more circulation. So when we're sedentary, there's no circulation, we grow bonds. Whereas if we're moving, we don't need those extra bone supports, because we're fluid, we're dynamic, we're meant to move. And I also extrapolate this to actually how our brain cells move. So if we're thinking the same repetitive thoughts, 60,000 thoughts a day, there might only be 100 thoughts on repeat, we're doing the equivalent of remaining stationary in our mind, because we're stationary within those 100 thoughts. So how I relate this as to when I've talked about how the ego is actually scar tissue, it's actually thoughts, we keep repeating, repeating, repeating and it forms scar tissue. And we have very limited movement in terms of where our brain can go in order to think and see because we're only seeing and thinking along the lines of our repetitive thoughts. So to me, exercise would increase movement, which increases blood flow, which allows the brain to grow. So that's physical exercise. I feel it's just as critical to actually be able to move the brain cells in many different ways. Not just In the 100 thoughts that the brain thinks, those few thoughts that we've used to clog up the ram of our pre frontal cortex, and it's just going over and over, the brain has lost its fluidity, it's become rigid, rigid in its thinking. And it's not even thinking it's just going along the same tracks that it's laid down through conditioning. And we see something, we remember it, we repeat it, repeat it, repeat it, whatever it is that we repeat in our own voice, becomes this habitual thought track, that prevents us from seeing other things, it prevents us from seeing. And so what I'm saying is that seeing perception, seeing something new, is a different movement that grows the brain, it actually provides oxygen to some other area of the brain, because we just saw something. Even Dr. Bruce Lipton says, perception, rights, genetics, so seeing something is going to change something genetically in the brain to to create different brain cells to create different neurons. So we're either moved by our conditioning, through a very limited habit track, and then we think, oh, we need to create a few more habits. Or we don't have those habits of thought. And we can see clearly, everything. And when we can see clearly everything that everything is recreated and mirrored in our brain cells. And when our brain cells are growing, we have energy, we're learning we're engaged. And that is joy, love, beauty, happiness. So the real thing is actually being able to see something new, and see something new to see with new eyes. It's not about doing anything, it's about seeing with new eyes, because I could say, well, I'm going to do this, and this is my plan. These are the seven steps to this habit. And then I do that, and that actually puts blinders on. Or I see the falseness of that process. And just see and perceive in the present moment. If we walk in a distorted way, and we continue to walk that way, for the next 30 years, we're going to be stuck, that way, we're going to be scarred that way, we're going to be distorted that way. Whereas if we move dynamically, and we're always moving infinitely differently, through the full range of motions of our body as a human being within the field of gravity, and understanding that field of gravity that we're in, our bodies are going to continue to be dynamic and fluid, they're not going to fuse. So same thing with thinking the same thoughts all the time, the brain fuses and congeals. And then we are very limited in the way that we can move about in the field of thought, in the field of consciousness, I feel the new game is actually to grow our brain cells to work out our brain cells, and to make that also embodied. So growing our brain cells could include things like seeing something new, it could include getting more oxygen, by being in the forest, for example, seeing nature, which is more beautiful than looking at a screen all the time doing things that get the oxygen to the brain. I feel like ego thoughts actually starve the whole brain of oxygen, it sends it all to the prefrontal cortex, and forms these scar tissues of neurons in their abstracting about the same thing all the time, and just living in those abstractions and not seeing reality. And reality is the whole brain, it's reflected in the whole brain. So we have to see with our whole brain, not just our abstractions about reality, and part of how we make it embodied is by having conversation and communication with other people. And the epigesturetics and the endo mimetics and the epi mimetics and making Weems so making the oxytocin through the inner human dimensions because the oxytocin is what actually we have the love feeling in the brain and then we get it also in the body, whereas dopamine is just in the brain, from what I've read so far. And the oxytocin makes us want to gesture with our body, it makes us want to reach out and continue. It's a different reward. It's a reward of connection as opposed to dopamine. Which is a reward of disconnection. And then we get more and more and more disconnected. And then we walk to a path where we're so scarred by our own thinking process, and we take ourselves to be that, that some of us end our lives. I feel like the ego kills itself when the brain is that starved of oxygen that it can't see anything else, it's not oxygenating, the rest of the brain, it can't see anything else but itself and its obstruction. And, and it goes so far into that, that that's all it can see. And it sees the meaninglessness of it. And then that's the end. If a person can see beauty, they're not going to end their life. If a person can feel love, and these are things to do with oxytocin, and connection, and earthing connecting with the earth, and sunshine also gets the blood flowing, I'm seeing a lot about this whole blood flow thing. Almost like what we see is where the blood flow is directed in the brain. We're only seeing our abstractions, it's, it's to, directed to the prefrontal cortex. And then we say we use 5% of our brain because all of the blood supply is going to this, this abstracting process, this distracting process, it's distracting the blood flow from the rest of the brain. And then no wonder there's all these neuro degenerative diseases now where the brain is basically shriveling up, it's not getting any nutrition. Even the movie, What the Bleep Do we know, which was years ago, said that we become addicted to our emotions in our body. And then we have more receptors for those emotions than we do nutrients. So we're so busy giving the cells those emotions, that that is taking up the capacity to actually absorb the nutrition because there's more receptors for the emotion than the actual molecules of nutrition. And I think the same thing happens in the brain with dopamine, everything's going to that reflex. So the rest of the brain isn't being nourished. The body down regulates everything in favor of this dopamine because the brain is a perceptual apparatus, but we're only perceiving things that are giving the reward of dopamine, and then the rest of the brain, there's no energy going there. And so through this dopamine process, which eventually becomes dopa meaningless, for me, seeing the meaninglessness of it all, sometimes ends itself through destroying the body. The brain has been destroyed. So the body gets destroyed, too. I wrote something down, I wrote down that perception, which is light, and minerals or frequencies of light, leads to movement in the brain, which leads to blood flow, which leads to oxygen, which leads to energy. So perception is what unfolds life. And we don't even see what we're doing to ourselves. So why do we think we can see what the cosmos is doing? And sometimes were released from seeing through that ego me process. And we can kind of see what the cosmos is doing is pretty amazing. And the cosmos is playing with life and we're destroying it. And I think about again, what would have Manik do? What would I do if I had nothing to do? And I was thinking about, at some point, doing an experiment where I go out and I just have nothing to do I just leave the house, and then just go based on intuition for the whole day. Because that's something that a manic would do. Because normally we follow our thought processes and our habits. So if those are the things that are obstructing us in a lot of ways. How can I just go out and just be like a manic person wouldn't just sort of follow one's heart. And the thing with that is, is that we have to actually pay attention. We have to pay attention to our heart We have to pay attention to what we're perceiving. And in a way, this is a way to deprogram our movement, in the field of gravity in space and time has become mechanical based on our program thoughts. And then we don't see anything. So if we go out without habit, we're looking for life. We actually have to respond to life and see that life creates life and that we are alive. And I can use an app to track where I go. Kind of like how those studies, track cats and where they go at night. Let perception move you. That could be a fundamental thing, like perception move you I don't know. And activating this other voice, this voice of intelligence, as opposed to the voice of the ego, which is words turned against us. Being able to utilize words to create the brain to create brain cells, as opposed to create scar tissue in the brain, through repetition. And even though repetition builds muscles, in the field of gravity, repeating thoughts in the field of consciousness, actually, limits neural connections. muscle cells are designed to get stronger, whereas brain cells are designed to get more complex. So if we're repeating, we're actually going against complexity. And gratitude probably increases blood flow to the brain. Right now, the highest quality for watching and recording things is 4k. And I had this thought that right now we're actually playing in C squared, light, the speed of light squared, times mass, or love, as Einstein said, we're playing c squared, which is the holographic process we're playing in the light of the sun meets the light of our eyes, the light of our consciousness, what do we watch? And c squared is more important than having the best 4k TV? What do we create and c squared? How do we arise and c squared? How do we make our brain grow within c squared, I feel like relationship heals in that it brings in another see it brings in another light of consciousness. So it depends how that person is shining, the light of their consciousness will actually change you. If somebody is judging you, you can tell especially in math consciousness, whereas if they're being unconditionally loving, you can also tell and it changes your life. In mania, we often become very graceful, or more fluid, we're more flexible, we're stronger, we move differently. And I feel like it's because that energy in our brain isn't being directed to the prefrontal cortex, it's not being directed to the ego, or when it's not being directed there. All of a sudden, we shift to being this very dynamic and fluid version of ourselves. And it doesn't take time, it's just a matter of shift in awareness. So map consciousness is a shift in awareness, it's a shift in perception. We're not perceiving through that limited energy of the ego structure. And when we are perceiving through that, that is what contracts our body and condenses it and gets us moving as we would as our ego version of ourselves. So it's actually just a matter of energy flow. It's a matter of perception, which changes the flow of energy. So it's a matter of changing how we look. changing how we see with our eyes. And it's just a matter of seeing something new, which doesn't seem that difficult, making a new connection, making a new connection. That's what extrapolation is. So today, when I read that mercola article, I probably only read a few sentences. And when I did, I extrapolated. And so that might be more important than actually sitting and reading the whole long article, and trying to absorb what they're saying. His thinking of something new about what they're saying, and maybe just reading a sentence or two. And not worrying about whether it's right or wrong. Because right or wrong, reward and punishment, that's all dopamine, and that's the thing we're actually trying to decouple from. In mob consciousness. We don't feel that sense of reward and punishment. We just feel like we're learning. And then when we come back to ego consciousness, we feel that sense of reward and punishment, oftentimes amplified. It's almost like How dare you not believe in reward and punishment? Now we're going to punish you. The answer is to question the programming to see the programming and by seeing the programming those are the new eyes. Instead of seeing out As the programming, seeing the programming, seeing that we're not that programming that there's a dimension beyond, we have those degrees of freedom. by labeling us with mental illnesses, our brains are sold to the pharmaceutical industry. We're given the inner subjective experience and map consciousness. So we can feel powerful so we can feel the power of our own brains, our brains are so powerful. It's connecting us with our inner superhero. And it probably only feels like superhero. Because we're not used to being like that we felt like superheroes as kids probably. And then we go back to feeling like superheroes. And it's just a feeling. Maybe the world would be a better place, if more of us felt like that. We didn't feel so disempowered if our brains weren't so fried by the circuitry of repetition. Most things out there are giving us something to strive for. But we don't question the thing we're striving with. we're striving with this brain that's polluted and clogged with all thoughts and programs. I was thinking about gestures, and it's not the gesture, but it's also the perception of the gesture and the meaning of, so if I do a kind gesture, but nobody sees it, it's not going to be perceived and the meanings not going to be equated. Or if I do a gesture that's not culturally appropriate. Some other culture sees that as a bad gesture, then there's also a miscommunication there. So map consciousness is trying to get us to produce new gestures. And it could just be the gesture of being dynamic and being not programmed, non programmed gestures, as opposed to program gestures, and creating new gestures, which is epigesturetics. Because no amount of arranging thoughts in our head is going to solve the world problems, we actually have to act. And it's actually getting us to act and act dynamically. And in my consciousness, the light of our awareness can be directed anywhere, instead of being directed to our dopamine circuits. And when that light can be directed anywhere we can see, and that consciousness causes voice reversal. Instead of speaking from this internal voice, we're speaking from our perceptions, we're speaking from what we see, we speak from what we see instead of what we may. We don't know how to turn off autopilot. So one thing would be to notice when we are on autopilot, and when we noticed, we're on autopilot, we're no longer on autopilot. And map is trying to use atrophied areas of the brain. So if I was immobilized for 20 years, it would take me a long time to learn how to walk and get those muscles built again, with blood flow. And ego consciousness is the same, it's like in mobilizing most of our brain. So in a way, my consciousness is actually learning how to walk, learning how to walk in a different world, instead of a world of our own thoughts. And we need to actually move differently physically in order to walk in that world to can't move in habitual ways. So sometimes in map consciousness, we fall over, and it's like laying down again. But we can still get up and try again and practice. And this isn't a practice in terms of building a habit as a practice of not practicing. Practice of not being on autopilot of not being a habit. Being a habit would be like I'm going to make the habit of always saying donkeys are gray and horses around every time I meet up with somebody. So if somebody came up to me say, Hey, how are you doing? donkeys are gray horses are brown. We would never try to mechanize what we say to people, so why do we try to mechanize anything else in life? This perception is a different movement. It moves the brain differently. It moves us differently when we can actually see. Perception causes movement...Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

programmed, consciousness, programming, brain, reality, created, oxytocin, gesture, feel, channeled, obsolete, computer, dialog, lower levels, thinking, state, glitch, technology, altruistic, appointmentbrain, autopilot, extrapolating, mania, creating, consciousness, front, ted talk, hands, thinking, download, brain cells, drained, watch, absorbing, thought, grow, software, devoted, screenmania, consciousness, superhero, feel, altruistic, actualize, story, desire, reality, fly, capable, life, map, dopamine, programming, brain, altruism, motive, happening, experimentToday I had an appointment with a lady who does this hair analysis which gives epi genetic information. And I went there and I was there at 10. And I thought my appointment was at 10. But it was at 1030. And I called her assistant and said my name, he didn't even have me on the computer. And then he said, Oh, it's double booked. But he still didn't say it was me that was double booked. So it was just really confusing. I don't know what he actually saw on his screen. And then I ended up leaving because I live close by so I wanted to make sure the other person got to see her. Because I've seen her before for other things. She's really, really good. And she said, she'd give me a bit of a deal. I have an appointment next Wednesday now. But it just felt like glitch in technology scenario. Sometimes when I get to certain places and consciousness, or when certain levels of consciousness are filtering through me. Technology stops working properly. I've had instances where I text somebody as me. But then that text turns into a text from somebody else on the other end, and I say something and they're like, Did you just text me blah, blah, blah, because it said, blah, blah, blah, from blah, blah, blah, long story short, it was just really confusing. And I was like, whoa, I'm just in that place where, where technology doesn't work. And actually, now that I think about it, I think it's the domain of the brain starting to work as a quantum computer, because there's more possibilities existing at the same time, there's overlapping realities. And, and I feel like I go into that state to sort of resolve some of the overlapping realities that are possible, including maybe preventing people from dying. In my reality, it makes it makes weird, it doesn't, doesn't make any sense. I know what I'm trying to say. But it's being in a state of being identified with consciousness, not with the body. And so the consciousness is rearranging things, and rearranging bodies, because consciousness is filtered through bodies. So I think I did talk before about how it's a quantum computation state. And so it's confusing because there are multiple realities overlapping simultaneously. And it's odd, because when one gets to that state, where multiple realities are overlapping simultaneously, and they're perhaps able to be in higher states of consciousness, and choose a different path, reality collapses, the wavefunction around the person being mentally ill, as opposed to maybe collapsing around them being a shaman, or a mystic or so many other things that happen in other cultures, or even possibilities within our culture if we start to see it, and frame it in a different way. And the thing is that as individuals get to those higher states of consciousness, and have to go back down, if they were able to stay up, all of reality would have to level up and then lower levels of consciousness would be edited out. And that means people get edited out. And with this glitch, today, I sort of realized that there could be two realities, like in one reality, he put me in the computer, and in the one he's in now, he didn't put me in the computer, and he doesn't even remember me. So I remember that, but I think people when they're in the level of programming, can actually forget those things. So the confusion exists in the one that remembers the two overlapping realities. And the person that doesn't remember is like, What are you talking about? You're just crazy. So seeing things, from a higher perspective, is confusing. And sometimes I have to be like, Okay, well, that was kind of a glitch in the matrix for me. for them. It just was like, why I don't think I put that in there. Not in your names, not even in the computer on my side yet I saw it in the computer on the lady side, who I was going to see is symbolic and part of it is material. And part of it is communication. So at a different level of consciousness is actually hard to communicate with those at lower levels of consciousness because they're distracted. They're who knows doing 10 things at once, and then you try to say something and you think they actually get what you're saying, and they don't. So it's difficult for different levels of consciousness to communicate with each other. It's really, it's really strange. I actually have a sense that the programs and the habits are actually like computer programs, words and thoughts are like computer programs, and they take us over those mind viruses and, and through the process of map consciousness, psychosis mania, we're actually being decoupled from that computer programming. And we're actually getting into a state where we're trying to relearn how to be humans, and not rely on that programming, because everybody's relying on that programming. And then some of us go into a place where we're starting to practice not being attached to that programming. But then we eventually get captured and put into a different kind of programming for us to never again, explore, not acting based on our past programming. And I feel like once we start to act, in the moment, not based on our past programming, we're fully alive as human beings. Otherwise, we're just alive as a biological phenomenon. But we're not actually living life. We're being lived by the programming, we're just hosts to this programming. I actually feel like, like technology is more fundamental than biology and, and technology created biology. And it's a matter of biology trying to be reborn out of the technology. Anyways, I haven't really fully figured that out yet. And it might be one of those things I don't want to figure out. Because I sort of realized, I'm totally alone. I'm totally responsible. I think this is what we get connected with, when we feel like oh, I have to save the world. And I have to do all this stuff, is because we're actually alone in our alive vnus is everyone sort of, in their computer mind, everyone is sort of like a computer with a screensaver up. There's some processing going on in the background, but it's not really weak. I'm sure I'll go into that more later. There's something about this consciousness, quantum computation and level of consciousness being funneled through biology. And right now, it's being converted into thought, which is controlling us through habits and programs. It's not being channeled into creating life, it's not being channeled into being creative. And so I did, quit my job, and I have two weeks to go. So I will have to do some more work in these next two weeks. So I might not have much time to talk to myself. But I feel I need to talk to myself at least half an hour a day. And then it takes half an hour to edit that. So that's an hour a day. Whereas if I make an hour and a half of staff, that's three hours. And that might be a little too much right now. But I just want to remind myself that it's good to at least talk to myself somewhat, especially because these two weeks will be pretty intense in terms of thinking about the mental health system, which is a lower level of consciousness that I want to be a channel of. And for California, I'm thinking of making a medical ID tag bracelet, and you can type in stuff online, of what you want it to say. And so I typed in some stuff that's sort of like a spoof medical ID. And I'll insert the picture here. What do you Should I do that? Do you think anyone will understand what that means? I won't do it that way, that wouldn't be good. But I do want to write something on it that is a little bit out there, but not too out there. Because the purpose is still for me to get help. If I need it, if I go too far into the quantum domain and get afraid, because I'm there all by myself, then computer people will come and rescue me and Medicaid me back into this reality. And that's fine. I was thinking about a symbol for transconscious neuro tribe. And so I created a sticker with this website, because I looked up rainbow brain, because the autism neuro tribe has a rainbow infinity symbol as their symbol for their neuro tribe. And so I was thinking, Well, what about a brain that's a rainbow color. So I found that, and then it was a website that you can create stickers. So I created a sticker, and it has a brain that is rainbow. And then it's in the shape of a heart, around the brain. So the rainbow brain, and then the heart and the background is black. And then I put in this writing overtop of the brain transconscious altruists, and I don't know if that's a good name. I'm sure there could be infinite names to describe it. But basically, in his talking about how consciousness can be trans one can identify as one's ego self, or one can identify as the self or consciousness itself or the whole, or, or oneness or whatever the heck you want to call it. And I like the altruist part, because part of that, I feel is that it's a state where we get in connection with altruism, because we see we're all one. So it's not, oh, I need to be altruistic. It's that's how we are innately when we see that we are one. And altruism is his selfless service. And that itself acknowledges that we don't have a self, we don't have an ego. It's a necessary construct is part of programming. And maybe we need it, in order to operate in the programming of society, we need to be aware of those programs in order to somewhat operate. And actually that could be part of the struggle of autism is that the brain can be programmed in that way with language with word viruses. So it's difficult for them to operate in society, which is just based on programs on on all these constructs that we've been given, and they have difficulty with them. And I think that that's part of the evolution of consciousness is to not be able to be programmed in that way, whether it's through the transconscious process later in life, or whether it's by being born on the autism spectrum. And it seems like consciousness is starting to edit out the programming sounds like it's saying, okay, we don't need these programs anymore. We needed them in order to create these structures. But now, now it's become too much, we have to actually put the humanity back in all of these structures that we've created. It was great to be able to build it all. But now we need that humanity. And Temple Grandin wrote a book called the unwritten rules of society, because she saw all these rules that she could see, but they're not written. And I don't think they're written because they're programmed into us. But she couldn't be programmed with them. So she had to actually observe what these rules were of society to live by. So in the same way, what I'm saying is a transconscious, a transconscious person can still appear to operate as if they have an ego, the solid ego, and maybe they do have some to a certain extent, but it's not really solid. It's more convenience to actually interact with the programming of society. And then one, and then when one isn't and society when doesn't need to be actually Believing in those programs, I'm wondering if the light body version of a person is their non programmed version. And that's always there as the original trajectory, and then the programming rights over that. And that can be eliminated in an instant. And I remember how I looked at this woman at 711. And she turned into her flamboyant version of herself. And then I looked away and look back. And she was back to that old sort of tired out worn out person version of herself. So it's actually there. We're all living has that beautiful version of ourselves, it's just a matter of actually getting in alignment with that, which can happen in an instant, doesn't take time. And there's nothing we can do to get there. Because it's already here. We actually just have to see the programming really and negate the programming. Like that's just programming. Goodbye. And I feel consciousness is transitioning the brain. It's transitioning the brain out of that habitual programmed mode into more degrees of freedom of gesture and movement. And that is what it is to really be alive. Not to be programmed. Perhaps some of these are means for a new neural tribe. They're Weems they're not means. Means are about a separate me. And there is no separate me from life. There's we I feel manic consciousness is partly powerful words, powerful means powerful whims from powerful observation. Wonder if first we have to be altruistic towards ourselves. save ourselves first, sort of like an aeroplane, you're instructed to put on your oxygen mask before helping others? Well, perhaps in transconsciousness, we have to put on our oxytocin mask, before helping others the inner human dimensions, that compassion that love can't be programmed. And maybe it's the only thing that can erase the programming. I was thinking about how that woman I know visited me in the sidewalk in April. And after her visit, my level of consciousness shifted upwards quite significantly. It could have been the accumulation of people visiting to we're trying to transfer everything else besides the inner human dimensions that can't be programmed to the machines. So it's really important that as we create more technology and export these mechanical aspects of humanity to the machines, that we're equally able to reconnect with our inner human dimensions, the things that can't be programmed, and it's probably a complete reciprocal or inverse relationship that has to happen. articulation creates neurons articulating context, we have to learn how to not exist as habits. Which just means we have to learn because if we're learning, we're not being habitual map consciousness is brain puberty. It goes from the me circuits of the prefrontal cortex, and dopamine to the we circuits of the whole brain and oxytocin in the body. Which gets us actually realizing that we have a body. I'm going to talk about this before, but Amy Cuddy talks about the power poses, and how standing a certain way for a few minutes can make us feel better. While imagine always being altruistic, and always acting and oneness and always being kind, those are actions, those are gestures, and those are gonna make us feel good too. And I think self dialog might make us feel better to the gesture of self dialog could be an act of compassion, and self love. Giving the brain a chance to talk to itself in a different way than we're used to. We have these repetitive thoughts happening, and we don't actually activate a process, a conversation with ourselves a dialogue with ourselves. And we're looking for our own brain. We're looking for our brain to be active and to be growing and to be neuroplastic. And the process of self dialogue helps with this. And that's actually what we're trying to activate by all of our seeking, when we could just sit here and talk to ourselves, and then find when our brain actually turns back on properly, that now we're more engaged in each moment of the day, and there's nothing to seek because each moment is here with us when it arrives. And that's all there is. And this process of self dialog is making psychiatry obsolete for myself. Because I remember being in the psych ward and wanting to make that paternalistic psychiatry obsolete. It's, it can be helpful to have medication and things at times. But to be paternalist like that is not helpful. It's very detrimental. It's the opposite of unconditional love. So this process of self dialog, perhaps is helping me make it obsolete within my own neurology. And I'm finding when I have conversations, that what I say feels more powerful and empowering, as it's more in alignment with what I've been talking to myself about, which is how I would choose to think about things or the context I've created for myself to be able to uphold that. I make oxytocin through my own gestures, which is relational. And I grow brain cells with my words, which are vibrational and self dialog, which is conversational. So I become my own pharmacist in my own pharmacy inwardlyI was playing with my DNA tangler thingamajiggy. And I realized that a good chunk of the human brain is devoted to the hand, we have lots of sensation our fingertips and, and so much of the brain is devoted to that. And at the same time, so much of society has been created by the human hand, we wouldn't be able to actually create this without our hands. So even if we had a thought of something, even if we were the same, but didn't have these hands, we wouldn't actually be able to build anything that we thought about. So thought, is strongly tied to the human hand, in a way, or it could be that we have so many thoughts, because we're not actually using our hands. creatively, we're only using them habitually. And then I was wondering if playing with this, which stimulates the hands while talking about stuff and thinking about stuff, and self dialogue would actually help to grow the brain. In a way, extrapolating and learning in this way, plus, doing this might be a type of brain cross training, because the brain cells devoted to the hands are being activated at the same time as the brain cells that are growing through new thoughts. New means, epi, mimetics and domotics. So in a way to, it could possibly get those ideas into motion through the hands at some point in the future, because at least the hands have been firing at the same time as these insights, I have no idea if that's true. But I just remembered that a lot of the human brain is the human hand. And in a way, everything has been created by the human hand. So in a way that the brain is the human hand, and what it's created. But it also can create through just thinking and thoughts. And it's no wonder that we feel good when we're using our hands, because then we're not thinking so much because we're using our hands. So using the hands be very important. And when that doctor talks about how touch actually stimulates circulation in the other person due to this electron thing that happens? Well, if we think about how a lot of the human brain is devoted to the hand, we're actually really touching someone with our brain, a lot of our brain when we're touching them with our hand. And then how does gesturing with the hands and a wave, change the hand neurons in the brain. So if we're always just holding our heads like this, for the rest of our lives, we're going to get stuck like that stuck like that in our brain, too. Whereas if we're using our hands in a lot of different ways to wave, shake, hands, hug whatever else, then that's going to help our brain neuro plastically as well. I watched a TED talk by and Herman Nettie. And she was talking about how the brain turns things into auto pilot wiring. And I was thinking about how it's, it's good to turn certain things into autopilot, like, like driving or different skills like that, but interacting with life interacting with other human beings. We don't want to turn that into autopilot. We don't want to turn those into efficiencies, because that is like, assuming we're interacting with a machine. And imagine if we could turn being super loving and kind into autopilot. So right now through our brain programs, we've turned separateness and division into autopilot, but what if we acted and responded to life? With love, that requires not being on autopilot at all. But our auto pilots have us stuck in habits that prevent us from connecting in those ways. And she says the trouble with autopilot is that when things change, we get caught off guard. And that's kind of a silly statement in a way because things are always changing. And then when we finally notice something changed, we're caught off guard. So noticing that something change could actually be a good thing, it could be a clue that we got out of autopilot for a moment. And she gave the example of trying to learn to use the other hand, and how that can be draining. Because those circuits haven't really been activated as much in the brain. What's the same with map consciousness, we're trying to activate different circuits and their higher energy circuits and that it can be draining after a while being in that state of consciousness. So we do come back to ego consciousness to have a consciousness. And we need to rest before we can move into that space again, into that space of infinite change which life is infinite changes. Just because we're caught in habits, we don't notice we don't see it. It's all there. It's all changing, we can change which bits of information we make salient. And the only way to do that is by not being caught in habit at all. The brain is trying to learn how to use the altruism and love and compassion pathways. And it can be frustrating in this world that's not designed to mirror those pathways back to the brain. autopilot is our personal view. It's our personality. When we're not learning, she talked about how we have 7.4 hours of screen time a day or three months out of the year of screen time. And another TED Talk said we have 11 hours a day of screen time. Either way, I was thinking about how the screen can be utilized to grow the brain in a creative learning mode, or it can be used in order to put the brain in passive mode. So when the brain is in passive mode, it's off, it's pretty much sleeping. So for me, I'm using my screen for self dialogue, and then to edit the dialogue as well. And I also use this screen to type up some of the things that I want to talk about. And so in that way, I'm using it as an extension of my brain to grow my brain. I'm not using it that much for passive things. I don't really watch any TV except maybe once every month or two I'll sit down and like spend a day watching movies on netflix. But other than that, not really. So even if I watch a TED Talk, I'm I'm actively engaged. I'm thinking of what I see from what they're saying. And thinking outside what they're saying, not just absorbing what they're saying, an example of autopilot would be since I got my bad day, now autopilot gets me to pull the little lever to spray my butt, as opposed to reaching for the toilet paper. Now, that is something that is good to have, as a reflex as a choice of what I do. I don't want to actually do that in terms of things relating to humanity and the heart. If I don't talk about my TED Talk extrapolations right away, I sort of lose the flavor of what it was that I was extrapolating slightly at least so then I watched a TED talk by Anthony chain. And he was saying, if we had a notification on our computer screen, saying a new version of the software is available for download. We would download it or if we didn't, eventually the computer isn't working as well. So the software download is in order to keep everything running smoothly. And I actually think mania and map consciousness is a software download at downloads the new software of the map of reality to move towards oneness and love and mania in a way. And when we've downloaded all that we can download, and then we come back down to the level of society. And then we have that download in order to have it as software to inform our lives moving forward. And that goes with harvest Germania harvest that software download that we were given and just as Weight Training is to grow muscle mania is neuroplastic training to change the brain to see things in a different way. We grow more brain cells and have more contacts so we can actually carry the universe. So we can actually move that world into manifestation. And he talked about accepting the terms and conditions of the download and how nobody reads that. And in a way, going into manic consciousness is accepting the terms and conditions of the download, but not reading the rules. And so we download it. And then we come back to this reality. And we didn't read the rules. But in a way, we can go back and we can harvest and we can understand some of the rules that we experienced in that other state of consciousness. So in a way, harvest practice and body is figuring out the terms and conditions that we were reading when we were in that state. But since we're back from that state, we don't have the terms and conditions anymore. So we have to actually move towards creating those terms and conditions within our neurology. And I think that was one of the terms and conditions of the download is, I will be responsible for moving towards this, in actuality, it probably says I promise to act this way and embody this even when the energy wears off. And I understand that it's my job to co create heaven on earth, even if other people can't see it or feel it. It's not just about watching lots of TV and creating heaven in the brain cells of the prefrontal cortex and being passively lulled into a waking sleep. And he said, make the conscious choice to deal with what's right in front of you. And this was just a quick statement he made, it wasn't something he was emphasizing. But my brain thought to itself, that's all we can really deal with is what's right in front of us. But we're so busy abstracting in our brains, and we put that in front of us, and it's not real. So we can't actually deal with that we can only deal with what is right in front of us. And then I was starting to think about things like what's right in front of us is what creates our life and creates our brain, for example, a TV right in front of me, versus going for a walk in nature and having that in front of me, that is going to change my brain. And even what's underneath us, we could have the dirt of the earth on our feet, or we could be sitting on a couch. So what is in front of us and what is underneath us is partly what creates our brain in the physical world, but we're so busy lost in our own mental world that we're not, we don't even really see what's really in front of us. But that's the only thing we can actually deal with is like what is right in front of us. But we can go on a path towards unfolding what we would like to be in front of us. But we can only do that by actually changing what's in front of us. We can't do that by rearranging thoughts in our brain. And by rearranging thoughts in our brain, we think we're doing something, but we're not. And I also thought of it in terms of aging. So we always have a phone in front of us and then we're hunching forward and forward and forward. And eventually, we're stooped over and our vertebrae fuse because we're, that's what it does in order to prevent our head from falling between our feet. And that is going to age us. Or as they say, now sitting is the leading cause of death. So that's what's underneath us as a coach and what's in front of us as a TV that is going to partly determine our longevity. And again, it's how we're orienting ourselves in the field of gravity. And even with things like say smoking cigarettes. Why is the cigarette right in front of me? Why is this? Alcohol right in front of me day after day? If it's not in front of us, it can't affect us. Watching too much of the news like why are we putting that in front of us? Why are we putting that in our awareness? Why are we putting that in our perceptual field So mania tries to change what's in front of us. We can't sit still, we can't do the same thing. Everything is interesting. We're like a kid in a candy store. We're like one of those moths that can't look away from the light. We're interested in everything. And we're just going everywhere. And by changing what's in front of us, we're changing our brains. And we're seeing ourselves a new and feeling ourselves a new, it's spontaneous, it's random. It's synchronistic. It's intelligent. Why does that energy want us to put different things in front of us, it wants us to see different things, wants us to experience different things, we've created our life by what we put in front of us. mania changes are programmed habitual way of being of going in circles, both physically and mentally, to being on a pathless. path, a path with no path. It's a path of just perceiving moment to moment and seeing what that unfolds. And after the download is complete, sometimes we need to restart. And I watched a TED talk by Scott le. And I made a note of wondering how do we create with time? Because they say, how do you use your time? How do you spend your time? How do you create your time, how do you create with time, is right now we're spending time we're not creating with time. And in a way, it's by what we put in front of us, even what we put in front of us, in our perceptual field, to our mind screen. Say jealousy, perhaps that's how we're creating with our time, we're creating jealousy with our time. We're creating hate with our time or creating anger with our time. That puts things into a different perspective than just saying, I am angry. I'm creating time with anger, and each one of us has the same amount of time in a day. And people that are creating that time as anger, are putting that into the field of space time that we all share. And that in itself is that level of consciousness and it's additive in that level of consciousness. I feel mapped consciousness is course, correction software. It changes how we approach what's in front of us. And that's a good question, how do we approach what's right in front of us? I feel that mob consciousness is intelligence trying to come online. And so an experience of mania would be exercising, intelligence. And I thought of how a way to measure screen time is that if a person utilizes the screen and is able to extrapolate something, their own insights, not just recall what the person said, but see some kind of connection or some kind of higher thought from that thought, then it's not necessarily wasted time, it's actually time. Time that has created something else. It's time that creates something new in our neurology or within our brain, as opposed to passively absorbing what was already said, somebody already created that sentence and said it. Now if we can create a new thought or word or sentence from what it is that we absorb, and we can extrapolate from that, then time has just actually been amplified in a way because it's amplified in our brain, we saw something new. And when we see something new, that's mirrored in our brains. And I feel like that is what could warp space time is when we see something new. And that changes our brain. But if we're just seeing and absorbing, and not actually extrapolating, not critically thinking or lateral thinking, then we're just actually we're not All unconsciously are being used, we're being drained, we're not being creative. So if a person says, Well, I'm going to watch two hours less TV a day, and the TV that I do watch, I'm going to extrapolate, then it could actually be a vehicle to higher consciousness and, and brain cell growth as opposed to not because the thing with technology is we can access a lot more information. And, and I was watching some TED talks that talk about how we don't actually change ourselves based on TED talks or anything. And I think part of it is that we're not extrapolating, we're just smiling and nodding. Because we've gotten to this place where we think learning is just listening, when it's really actually seeing the beyond of what's being said. But we have been trained out of seeing the beyond, and every now and then we see the beyond, we're like, wow, I'm such a genius. Well, genius is being able to do that all the time. And I think the brain gets fatigued because we're not extrapolating, I could probably do this all day long. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't lose energy. But when we're just passively absorbing, we're being drained. Whereas when we're making new connections, we're getting blood flow to our brain extra blood flow. And that's going to give the brain energy. There's a difference between thinking with what somebody is saying, and just listening. He also had a quote that said, when it gets right, you have to make it fall. I would say sometimes it falls on its own. And that wasn't his quote. But I was thinking about how if a fruit falls from a tree, when it's ripe, someone can either pick it up right away and eat it. Or it might actually grow a whole new tree might actually grow a whole new world, which is the tree. And I was thinking about how when the brain gets to that high point in mania, and then it falls, it's almost like it's this ripened fruit. And it can either get eaten, or it can grow a new tree. I feel like our brains are seeds, their seeds of consciousness. So when we get to that ripeness point, and then we fall back down. Now, we're not just the fruit, we're the whole tree. What I'm trying to say is, even as human beings on this earth, we think when we reach adulthood, that that's our peak. That adulthood that we reach could just be a seed for a different level of humanity that we don't even understand yet. Because it's interesting, we get to that high point and then we fall just like a fruit was seeds. And so I think when we fall back to this reality, we're seeds for that other reality. We have to move towards it. We're the seed we have that whole tree, the whole blueprint of the tree within us and we can grow that tree. Right now. What happens is that the pharmaceutical company just comes along and eats our fruit and our seats never get planted.I watched a TED talk by Tom accessor. And he started with a Gandhi quote saying, the difference between what we're doing, and what we're capable of doing, would solve most of the world's problems. And of course, I extrapolate everything to map consciousness to transconsciousness. And mania shows us the difference between what we're doing in our life and what we're capable of doing, or how we're capable of being as a human being. And it shows us how we're capable of seeing how we're capable of seeing the world, what attitude we're capable of having, what perspectives we're capable of taking. And this was the guy that was talking about how TED Talks, don't do anything to change people, really. And I actually feel like mania is an experience of embodying all the TED Talks, without even having to think about it. So all that amazing research people are doing about all these different potential realities that human beings possess. One goes into that state and is living that way in daily life, and not as some super sports athlete that they had to work hard to be for 10 years in order to perfect the sport, but just automatically without trying to do anything, like an act of grace. And then being that way in daily life in one's daily actions without having to have any particular thing, no motivation, no desire for anything in particular, not trying to do anything. And by not trying to do anything, one can do anything. Because by not forcing oneself into a single line of action, or being or programming, one has access to the way by which one can deprogram oneself by just being intensely there in the present moment. And what does that even mean? It just means seeing, seeing the present moment, as the present moment, from the perspective of the present moment, as it arises, whatever arises as that it's, it's sort of like what Krishna Murty calls choiceless awareness, because one is not choosing anything, when it's just very aware, if one has a motive, if one has made a choice about something, that means one cannot be aware of the rest of the field of reality. So by not choosing, by not having a motive by not having a desire. Everything is there. As it is because we don't need to desire in order for all to be there here right now. mania shows us what we're capable of. It gives us a map of what we're capable of. And I remember how well I was able to rollerblade in that state. So I think, Oh, am I supposed to do more of that? I think normal people need to listen to us, and dance with us and follow our lead. Because we can lead people out of the programming. It's not a matter of listening to TED talks in order to get more programming. It's not the answer. It's to see that we are programmed. Because when we can see, not only can we see everything, we can also see the programming. We're blinded by dopamine, we compare everything to that reflex, we compare everything to the dopamine program. Is this good? Is this bad? Will this give me pleasure as part of my desire, and that in itself is dopamine. We don't need desire when we can see clearly because what we desire is to see clearly we desire seeing but desire prevents seeing. He gave an example of how there was this fish that fishermen used to throw as waste. And then they changed the name of the fish from Patagonian toothfish to Chile and sea bass. And when they changed it to Chile and sea bass. It was then marketable for sale. It was quite a scary looking fish. So to make it desirable, they changed the name So thinking, in terms of so called bipolar disorder, if I call it transconscious, altruism, that would be something that maybe even normal people would want, they might desire to be a visionary. And people do desire to be a visionary. And that's a visionary state. So we've given it the wrong name. And then from that, it precipitates everything else. That's why I made my little stickers of transconscious altruist and I even put the writing in a font that makes it really hard to read. So people either have to really try to read it, or they're not going to get it, they're going to actually have to see. And part of that is how I define myself is going to have an impact on my life on how my life unfolds, because he was saying, he was saying, we are who we think we are, are the stories we have of ourselves. So that's why I feel it's so detrimental for one to hold a story of lifelong mental illness in their hearts and minds. He said, how I define myself will change the way I live. And we can only evolve our stories we have about ourselves. So for me part of self dialogue is evolving the story that I have about myself, and I don't even tell myself stories about myself, but this will do it in my brain cells, neurologically, it'll change the way I see things, because I'll have those brain cells. So when something comes up, I will see it in a different context, I will see it in a different light. And he talked about how in life we make predictions, our mind makes predictions about things and we act based on our predictions. Well, mania is just like predictions amplified. So the mind already works in a predictive way. And then in mania, it gets to a point where maybe it predicts to the point where it's supposedly hallucinating or delusional or, or prophetic. And then we think, Whoa, what's happening? Well, it's just a natural process in the brain turned on to a higher power. He said, who we think we are is why we do what we do. And that's true in terms of how now I don't feel I can work in the mental health system, because that's not who I am. And I feel the story that we tell about ourselves to who we think we are, is part of how we can design a different game. In reality. mania shows us there is a different game, in reality, it's the game of love and compassion. And he talked about something really interesting. He talked about there was an experiment done, where people in virtual reality could decide to fly or not fly. And the people who decided to fly, were way more likely to help other people in the real world. Think about that. Now, in mania, most people feel like a superhero at some point. Or they feel like they're here to save the world. And all these things, they feel these altruistic feelings. Some people feel like they can fly, or they might be able to fly. And this experiment shows that just allowing somebody to fly in virtual reality, meaning, a gesture, a posture, an action that is equated to a superhero, is going to make them more likely to come and help other people in reality. What is mania doing, it's doing the same thing. But it's doing it for weeks or months at a time. And a person is actually feeling like they are a superhero. So when they come back to reality, part of the point is to go and be a superhero. Even though one has come back from that virtual actuality feeling of being a superhero, actually, it's giving us that feeling. It's giving us that posture, it's giving us that gesture of feeling like a superhero, so we can feel how freakin good it is. So we come back to this reality. And we actually act that way. And the people in the experiment didn't know that was what they were testing for. So it was just those feelings inside because they didn't fly for real. Just the feelings inside that inspire them to embody the role of superhero in real life. And they had no clue. So giving people that experience in virtual reality. made them more altruistic. Now, consciousness, the universe can do the exact same thing in virtual actuality of mania, map consciousness. And then people come back. And that's why I feel it's really important to connect people with their altruism right away, because they were just in the state of feeling like they're a freakin superhero. And then they come back. And instead of saying, Don't worry, you're a superhero. you're down and out right now, you'll get re energized, and we're going to get you back on the path of helping the world. No, there's that you're defective, you're diseased, you're, you're wrong. It's just crap. So again, map consciousness isn't a problem, it's a solution, I feel part of that. experiment is that people feel powerful. If they feel like they flew, they feel powerful. And that probably activates these really high levels in the brain because they're able to do things that they didn't think they could do. And that's partly what map consciousness does. Even if a person doesn't try to fly or think they can fly. they're experiencing all these other things that they're capable of doing and increasing their power. If two minutes of opposed standing with your hands on your hips, is going to make you feel powerful. Try two months in a state where you feel you can accomplish anything that's going to make a person feel powerful, but that power runs out, we can still get back to us, it's imprinted in our brain. Look what happened to people with experience flying in virtual reality, they didn't actually fly. And then they are more altruistic. mania and psychosis is trying to do the exact same thing. All the things we're trying to do in experiments in science, consciousness can do. We are that consciousness. So anything we try to do is mirrored within consciousness. Map consciousness allows us to actualize our potential. So then we can come back and move towards actualizing our potential but not just for our personal selves, because a lot of us are out there in regular life actualizing our potential just for our own selves. And this state requires an altruistic brain. The missing piece, probably to a lot of these TED Talk things and actually being able to live that way, is altruism. Because all those high capacities of humanity are not personal. They're not for personal gain, and personal gain motive. Desire. prevents it from being actualized. So trying to do it for a reason, like money, or fame, or all these things, is going to prevent it from happening. And you know, some people do get money and fame and all that, and then they get to the top and realize it's not all it was cut out to be because they're alone. And the thing with math consciousness is we actualize yourself internally, subjectively. And then we come back here to do that, in reality, just like the people who flew in virtual reality, that was inner subjective, didn't actually happen, wasn't manifested, but then they come back to reality, and they act in those other ways. The act of flying, made them feel like Superheroes In Real Life. And I feel that's partly why it's important to tell oneself one's amazing stories of all the things one actualize within consciousness subjectively, and partly objectively in life through the experiences of map consciousness, is it's an equivalent of doing a power pose, it's, it's going back to that place where it's like, oh, yeah, I was able to be that way. And to remember how when was in that state, and to eliminate those things that impede that from happening on a daily basis. So it's very important to change the story. And that's why I've told myself a lot of stories. And I've told myself a lot of different things in order to write over the story of just thinking that my brain is defective. It's altruist consciousness. It's oxytocin consciousness. We need to be altruists and not have motives that are separate from life. And he said, we become the stories we tell ourselves and that's why it's important not to tell oneself the story of pathology. It's just a story.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

brain, mania, gestures, oxytocin, consciousness, dopamine, create, reality, neuroplasticity, people, brain cells, feel, talked, terms, thinking, process, body, ted talks, rewire, extrapolatingHave an extrapolating like crazy this morning. And I like to call it extrapolating as opposed to lateral thinking or creative thinking, because I feel extrapolating has more to do with seeing something clearly, than actually just thinking. Because thinking is usually combining words or combining old thoughts, or recombining our old programming, or I feel like thinking is generally programming. So it's more about seeing that as programming and getting that process to stop, then actually trying to think creatively within and with that programming, which is near impossible. I sent in my resignation email this morning, and I haven't checked my email yet to see the response. But since then, my brain has been super extrapolating, maybe it feels a little bit freed from that decision. And I feel it's more that I've talked myself out of that paradigm. I don't believe that at all, especially with the things that I've been watching and extrapolating from the last few days, with the neuroplasticity. And I talked a long time ago, before I started watching TED talks about something about neuroplasticity related to the process. But after watching those talks and realizing, even if there is some kind of damage, it can actually be fixed. So to say other brains permanently damaged and needs drugs is just, it's going to be old news yesterday. I've talked to my brain cells out of thinking that they're mentally ill. They're needing rewiring, and I'm talking them into being rewired in the ways that they were trying to rewire through the map consciousness transconscious process. And the universe is trying to help us design a better self more in alignment with the universal principles of how we are as human beings, those inward human dimensions, it all comes back to these inner human dimensions and gestures and action. Because we're actually not gesturing like we're designed to as human beings. We're not gesturing in our socially bonding ways. And then we feel separate, and then we feel desire, and then we, it just cascades from there, because we're not actually acting in reality. Because as children, were told to sit down and sit in this chair and passively learn, so we feel like life is passive process. More on that later, I feel that society and our education system actually stunts the brain's growth. It gets it abstracting about reality, instead of acting in reality. And when we start thinking that life is a bunch of abstractions, we try to create better and better abstractions, as opposed to just living life in the present moment. And those abstractions, and that pleasure is tied into dopamine, because whatever happens, we're judging it as we've been programmed to judge it, there could be a million bits of information, but we pick the bit, that gives us the dopamine out of that bit, which is an abstraction which is programmed from the past. So we're just reacting to the past, reacting to the past, and just reacting to dopamine. And I looked today, I was curious, and I was thinking, what is the structure of dopamine. And it's this really small, little molecule. And it actually is only I believe, I didn't fully read, but it looks like it's only produced in the brain. And it's recycled in the brain. So just like thoughts are circular and recycled. And they're just abstractions, they're not anything to do with reality. Same with dopamine is just in the brain, in the brain in the brain. And, interestingly enough, I looked up oxytocin, and is this super complex molecule and it's secreted from part of the brain called the posterior pituitary, and it goes to the body. So I thought, it's really interesting because oxytocin actually connects our brain to our body. It's not the only thing. But it actually goes into the body. And in creates all these epigenetic changes, and of genetic expression for bonding, which requires responding to gestures which requires being perceptive in the moment, which requires interacting with other people, all these connection things so by connecting to other people, we feel connected to our body and we feel like we're in our body acting in our body. So again, this over dopamine dominance is just of us living in our own heads, and then letting our body go on automatic pilot and not feeling connected to our body and not feeling that connected to other people. And it's literally making us shrivel up. In terms of our brain, we think we're okay because we're still growing in terms of our physical body. But you know, we've taken care of that through our pretty much automatic eating of food. And so I thought of, don't put the light of your attention on things that are going to shrivel up your brain, which is your own habitual thoughts. For one, TV, we don't think about what we're putting our attention on in terms of this is going to shrivel my brain up, it's pretty hard to know that our brain is shriveling up, because we can't see our brains. We're really worried about having a six pack of ABS yet, we're not worried about having our brain as a six pack. And I feel we need to support people's expanded perceptions. Because expanded perceptions give life meaning sometimes. So it's not about the particular perception, it's about that a person is experiencing meaning. That's not the correctness of the perceptions, it's that somebody is in a meaning making process that they're seeing other meaning that they're seeing. What's important is seeing, seeing something new, seeing something new, makes the brain grow. And seeing something new, is different than the repetition of the old stuff happening in the dopamine circuit. So it makes sense that as the newest seen, the dopamine circuits start to atrophy. When we think about it, words and sounds create brain cells. Because we have these words and stuff, repeating in our prefrontal cortex. And that's creating those neural networks. Well, if we have different words and different insights coming in, those are going to create different brain cells. So actually think it's those sounds. And it's actually the sound of seeing. I mentioned before that when our brain is clear, we can see. And then that produces sound, it produces a different thing we're going to give voice to, and it will produce different impressions in our brains that may come as very subtle sounds in terms of something we might want to say or maybe want to write down. And I definitely think mania is a universal thinking big process that's initiated to grow the brain in different ways. Turn on other circuits, I actually feel it's kind of the awakening of intelligence, a different form of intelligence. That's not the intelligence of the programmed ego. And we're sort of farmers, we're farmers of our own brain cells. And the seeds we plant are not just the words that we tell ourselves. But how we see. And if we're telling ourselves certain words, that's what we're seeing. That's not. So we don't actually question how we're seeing, which is the space before thoughts arise? The way our brains work right now, we're like camels were just regurgitating and chewing up the same old stuff every day. I also wonder if the physical body is a chrysalis to something else, after we die. Or it could even be I have the sense that we're actually not really fully in our bodies, like we're not embodied. We're more like bio robots. And so when we go through our consciousness, it's a chrysalis phase, actually bringing us back to being in connection with our body. And that's one of the reasons why it's a bit scary is because our consciousness or awareness, or our minds are somewhere else completely. And they have been for a very long time. And as our mind sort of journeys back to our body, it becomes pretty scary. It's almost like a birth into actually being inhabiting the body. And, and when one gets back, when one's consciousness actually reconnects with the body, it's like a rebirth and it's, it becomes debilitating for a time because one has to again, learn how to exist in this world. We're not using our brains to see we're using our brains to remember To remember our desires to remember thoughts to remember pleasures. And by doing that we're seeking for that out in the environment. And what we're actually seeking is ourselves and how we see, we're seeking a change in the way we see we're seeking a change in perspective. When we're not thinking about ourselves, in that way, we can actually see the universe and it talks to us, not through actually a voice per se, but we can read reality, just like we can read somebody's body language, we can take that a step further and actually read nature. It's not that difficult. And I was, I was watching a TED talk, and the guy was talking about how our brains get fatigued through the day. So we're out a long day of lectures, the last lecture will be difficult to absorb. Well, with manic consciousness, one can read all of reality. And eventually one does get tired. So it does fizzle out. And one does run out of whatever juice is required to be in that state. And then after a rest, one can go back into that, it's just a different bio rhythm, just like we have to go to sleep every day to be able to use our brains, the next day, mania might last a month, and then we have to not be in mania for a number of months. And then we can go back into it. I feel map consciousness is part of the becoming immune to the dopamine programs of society. Those are all for separation. So it's almost like an immunization against that. And I talked about herd immunity, being deaf to those voices, and memes of society that would program us into separation. I watched a video about the new Amazon store in Seattle, or something and how, when you go in, just by your gestures, and things you don't even have, you just scan your phone. So they know you're in the store, just by your gestures, and maybe sensors on the products and things they know what you've taken. And that's what allows you to pay when you think about that algorithm, and the algorithms involved in that, and the implications of that, if we as human beings can create that kind of program, to which people can go in a store and just grab stuff off the shelf, and the store knows what you what you took is that is it that much of a stretch to imagine that the universe can record and compute our gestures and what we take and what we're doing. And just as people take stuff from the store, now that items missing from the store, and then they paid for it, it moved that item. And that person paid well, there's some kind of algorithm in reality as well, in terms of our gestures. And and what that does. So when somebody takes something off the shelf in the Amazon store and walks out, it takes money out of their bank account, or off their credit card. Now, if we give a wave or a smile, it actually puts money as in maybe oxytocin in our bank account, and it puts it in the bank account of the social fabric. So it's the same kind of thing with how they're using gestures and movement in order to calculate when you owe money, while the universe can do that, too, in terms of that's how we interact with each other to either steal each other's energy or, or create connection and build the energy of humanity. And so when I saw that I was just, I wasn't surprised, actually, that they were able to create that. But it's in alignment with epigesturetics. And I even felt like one could create an app that's connected to the eye watch or something that can tell what your gestures are. Like it has a sensor, you can tell when you wave it can tell when you smile. And those are some of the metrics of of life that might actually be worth measuring is how many times did you laugh today? How many times did you smile? How many times did you wave? How many times did you touch somebody else. It's more about measuring things that produce oxytocin. And in the same way, it could measure things that people are doing that are not so nice, like using a snarky tone and And they could almost calculate it and then start to calculate who is where in the ranks of the world in terms of kindness. And people would start acting kind pretty quickly, when that was actually what was measured as valuable, as, as necessary. As part of what holds us all together as humanity. I feel like my of consciousness mania is inner medicine of the body. And it kicks in to erase some of the psychology and some of the, the ego scar tissue, and rewire the brain. It does this with the molecules that it creates likely oxytocin and other things, and DMT, probably. And then it also, by doing that gets us to behave differently. And those gestures and behaviors, further, rewire our brain by actually rewiring it in our peripheral nervous system as well. And I wrote that, and then today in the TED talks that I watched, they said some things that blew me away, and they weren't talking about it. In the context of map consciousness and mania and transconsciousness. They're just talking about it in general. And so many things that they talked about in terms of neuroplasticity, and, and being your best self. And all these things they talk about are things that are naturally initiated in the process of mania. And everyone else is trying to do these things consciously, from the level of their ego thought and thinking when the mania process makes that subservient to something else. And so many of the aspects of it, are these things that we know we're capable of, because they talk about them in TED Talks. But we're not really capable of them unless we go into this state of mania, which we have no control over. So all this control, control control, to try to get this to this state of non control or something else takes over. And there's all these wonderful intellectual people studying all these things, about neuroplasticity, and human performance. And then there's another group of them, studying how this neuro plastic accelerated learning human growth process of mania is a pathology. So since my brain cells have realized this stuff, these last few days, I really, really, really feel extra checked out of the mental illness paradigm, because all this stuff that I was talking about, in terms of it being a brain growth, or transformation, and blah, blah, blah, is actually scientifically validated. It just hasn't had all that context that has scientifically been created superimposed upon the process of mania, because it's just seen as some aberrant, undesirable pathology. Whereas if it was properly supported, then maybe a person would be able to not have such extreme Fallout, everybody wants to change. And then this big change process comes into some people's lives. And that change is called illness. It's something different, for sure, but I don't think it's illness. And just as somebody who has a spinal injury can learn to walk again, somebody who goes through my consciousness and, and comes back from that process, a shell of themselves, can learn to walk not just in this world, but in that new world, they were also walking in and creating as they walk there, in their neurology, they can walk there again to not just recovering to walk in this world that needs to change and needs a different type of human being acting in a different way. So to me mania is part of the solution is just being looked at the wrong way and by the wrong people. The brain is supposed to be a liquid crystal, not a solidified massive scar tissue of neurons, probably all congealed together, because there's just such a small reality tunnel that we're experiencing. Our brain is this huge map. It's this huge labyrinth. And we're stuck at the mercy of a few neurons that have been hyperstimulated. And the structure of society and education and works very hard to program us. And it's not going to let us deprogram that easily. And that's what happens with map consciousness. We get deprogrammed and then they give us another program that were just defective, being programmed as being defective. And I thought of how, if we stayed in mania If, for some reason a person was able To stay in manic consciousness for the rest of their life, they would never believe they're defective. Ever. It's only because we come back down and then we're in this weak state. Because we've run out of battery, we've run out of juice. That state can only last so long as it is right now in society because just like a person can only lift weights for a certain period of time, they can't do it indefinitely, then they have to rest and then they can go back to it again. So because we're out of battery, and confronted by professionals, with their fancy, expensive education's that they've been brainwashed into believing we believe them. Our brains are neuro plastic. And that experience in consciousness show shows us that how amazing and powerful the brain is. We're afraid of the power of our own brains. We want to remain in these little weeny habits of safety and comfort. I want to talk about the TED Talks because I extrapolated some juicy nutrients for the brain. Some mind expanding stuff from the mind expanding stuff that they were sayingSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

consciousness, thoughts, people, feel, brain, higher levels, reality, prefrontal cortex, medication, process, joy, ego, thinking, happening, state, perceiving, abstractions, creating, neuroplasticity, sensory substitutionpeople, consciousness, brain, neuroplasticity, mania, thinking, psilocybin, perceptual apparatus, state, oxytocin, map, meaning, psychosis, memorize, memory, die, perceptions, part, ill, lifeconsciousness, brain, mental illness, learning, grow, embody, neuro plastic, process, order, bipolar, mania, destroying, emoting, thoughts, defective, decouple, prefrontal cortex, meaning, ego, wastingI'm on an email list for a guy who calls himself Rama. And yesterday, I got an email from him. And it was interesting because he was talking about the brain being a magnet. And he was talking about joy and how joy attracts more joy with the magnetism of it all. And he's sort of saying that being joyful, creates this magnetic wave of joy, which changes the atomic structure of the world. And I don't know if that's true or not. But it's interesting, because consciousness works in some way. If I'm at a, at a higher level of consciousness, that's going to change the reality I experience, and that will slightly change the reality other people experience as well. If everyone was all of a sudden, at a higher level of consciousness, we would experience a different reality. And so it seems like there are different realities present, it's just a matter of our level of consciousness. And that's what we tap into. And I think with bipolar, we go into these high levels of consciousness and experience these other realities that are there, but they're just not the dominant reality. And that's why I feel like it's a calibration for us to see other maps and ways of, of getting there. And then he even talks about focusing on our hair in order to increase this magnetism. And he says, focusing on the top of your head increases your brain's magnetic power. And it makes all of your thoughts more potent. And I like what he's saying. At the same time, I feel like, if the mind is clear, if the brain is clear, then one doesn't have to think thoughts. There's perception. And then that sort of gives understanding, which can be a joyful process in itself. So we don't actually have to consciously think joyful thoughts. It would be more about clearing the mind of all thought. But at the same time, thinking joyful thoughts is still a lot better. Then thinking, sad thoughts, for sure. And he says, you have to imprint and encode your version of reality into existence. And that's an alignment with the blueprint that I think that we're given in our brain, when we go into manic consciousness, we get the blueprint of the reality of the higher levels of consciousness. And then it's up to us to, to harvest that and to move towards it. And we don't have to do that. But it's an option. And it's could be a fun game, it could be a fun way to use our suppose ID freewill. Because in those highest levels of consciousness, we realize it's all one and we don't really have freewill. And sometimes that can get us into trouble. So we come back here where we have apparent freewill. And then we can still harvest and practice and embody that which we know will unfold those higher levels of consciousness not just within ourselves, but within other people as well. And I think that's the whole gesture thing. Because I had this insight today that one of the ways to have joy be one's predominant state is to help create that in other people. So I think the brain needs to be wired for these higher levels of consciousness. It already is wired for that it's just a matter of actually negating the wiring that is not inspiring. And I feel like medication is is chemical castration of this transformation process that keeps those lower circuits glued together. And that could be helpful. Just like Dr. Daniel Fisher said, these medications will buy you some time. But it's not going to stop the process indefinitely. And so I think it's important to get in alignment with the process. And when I say that I feel like part of the process is interacting in these ways with other people, not just with oneself, like I'm doing right now, even though I'm not fully in those higher states, I'm sort of in this state of reason and logic and, and creating my own epi logic of things. I'm sort of having a dialogue with myself about the context, the map that I experienced before, and I'm in the state of harvesting, or maybe harnessing in that and creating the neural networks through dialogue about what it is that I experienced. And more accurately, it's what was experienced when I wasn't an eye when there was no ego. And I also realized, it's not about focusing on mental health, we get stuck in focusing on the psychology and we don't really see that the whole psychology is the problem. And that a lot of thoughts in psychology that we're having trouble with disappear at the higher levels of consciousness. So it would be more about how to be in the state of love and joy. I was thinking about natural alternatives and things like that, and how, over the years, I've done a lot of research on natural alternatives for health and things. And I was thinking about how perhaps I need all of that, because I don't have a natural alternative lifestyle. modern lifestyle isn't really a natural one. And I'm wondering if there's a way to have a lifestyle that is more in alignment, so then, maybe one doesn't need fake sunlight, and one doesn't need so many of these natural alternatives that one can just get naturally. And I was once given a tip to lay with my feet up by someone when I had all those physical health problems. And I'm thinking now that that tip was probably to get the blood going back to the brain. So I might try and do that more to now I feel like it's more about the brain than anything else. The last few days, I haven't had any anxiety really, I have a little bit today, because probably going to give my resignation today for my job. So I took two EMP instead of just one. And I feel like the statement, I don't know, is one of the most powerful statements because it opens up space in the brain. Even with everything I talk about myself, I really have no idea what I'm talking about. And I forget everything, near nearly everything. And I also was thinking about how Joy oxygenates the brain. So I feel like the higher levels of consciousness are what actually oxygenate the brain, or vice versa. And it's it's something together, that happens. It's almost like as consciousness goes up, more brains can potentially get oxygenated in that way. And then they go up to joy, but then a lot of them fall back down to the lower levels of consciousness. And I feel like one of the reasons why that happens is so then we're calibrated. In some of the lower levels of consciousness, we really see what we're doing to each other with our thoughts, feelings and actions. And it's really scary. And I don't think it's meant to be something to get stuck in. It's meant for us to see what we're doing and the dangers of thought and thinking compared to being in those higher states of love. And people that have gone through that process. They have the map within them and might be able to help people get up to that level of consciousness. Consciousness observes itself, and how it responds to itself. And I feel it's intelligent to act to preserve the physical body but it's not intelligent to act to preserve the psychology and that's what we're doing when we're met. Locating people back to their ego structure, or not helping people transcend that structure. And we're all living in abstraction. And we derive pleasure from our abstractions because there's no joy in our actions. And our interactions with each other are more like inter abstractions. And states of consciousness are what we all share we have, we all have access to any state of consciousness. And that level of consciousness is what determines what is unfolding in that moment. So in that way, we're each the same. I read this article online, somebody's writing about Carrie Fisher's dog, and how she used it as a coping tool. And how she was brave, because she carried the dog and then had to explain the dog, which means you had to explain her mental health condition. I'm thinking she's brave and dead at 60. And it just angers me, because then I was looking again at that article online about how people die 14 to 32 years early if they have a mental health condition. And it says they often die of heart attacks, strokes and things like that. And they are saying, well, it's probably to the different conditions of their life. Because they often have lower socio economic status and things. Well, Carrie Fisher probably had all the best of life. And she died at 60. And they say in that study, like, Oh, we really don't know what causes it. Could it not be a side effect of medication? They don't ever say that it could be like that. Why do people get diabetes? Why do people diabetes usually happens to people pretty quickly? Once they're on medication? It's not something that happens 30 years later, it's like, well, how did that happen? So I don't know just kind of piss me off. If she dies at 60, What luck to the rest of us have? I feel my question, what would ematic do, will help to grow the brain in the ways of the blueprint, because it sort of gets my mind going in the direction of the blueprint I was given. And the blueprint felt like heaven on earth. And I feel it will help to grow the brain cells back in that direction. And, and the next part of the process is being out in the relational mind with other people. Because me talking with myself is more developing my embodied mind. And Dr. Daniel Siegel talks about the embodied mind and the relational mind. And I think it'll help with a relational mind thing, because I'm relating with myself. And then when I relate with other people will be more strengthened in my neurology, I feel like higher consciousness is a higher energy state. So it's almost like that energy has more electrons wherever it is, and however it is. And that's also what contributes to more oxygenation of the brain to go into those higher states of consciousness. And it's about seeing clearly. And map consciousness, we can see really clearly so we can make new maps, because we're not polluted by our old compass of thoughts. And so part of getting to higher levels of consciousness is just negating that which we think and believe to be true. And maybe just replacing it with I have no idea. Back to the UC Berkeley TED talk on neuroplasticity, he was talking about how deaf people can actually hear what they see in that the auditory cortex lights up when they're looking at somebody talking. So that part actually overlaps with the whole process of their communication as well. And I feel like when we become deaf to our prefrontal cortex noise, the visual cortex for us likely becomes the same as speech because normally we have the speech noise in our prefrontal cortex. So in terms of this sensory substitution, or this neuroplasticity that might happen in map consciousness, is that speech actually goes to the visual because the old droning on voice is quiet. So then what we See actually creates what we say and what we think. So I think there's a change in the brain processing in that way, when we speak what we see. And so psychosis, in a way could be sensory substitution, where the words are changing from the prefrontal cortex, abstracting to the visual cortex. And we say what we see. And that could be one of the reasons why some of the things that we say, don't make any sense, because we're actually seeing more of reality than the regular person can, we can see clearly, we're reading between the lines, we're learning how to read what we see in reality instead of our own abstractions getting in the way. And so this process takes some time to actually mature and develop. So after a while, we no longer think that when a crow flies overhead, that means that that God is angry or something like that, we can start to actually read reality and have this shift in perception, the way we perceive happen, I think medication helps prevent that switch from happening. So we then again, are perceiving based on our own ego abstractions, instead of perceiving from this other way of seeing. So I think psychosis is actually a switch in the way we see. And even Dr. Abraham Hoffer said that mental illness is a perceptual problem. And he says that in his movie, masks of madness, and even saying that I don't actually think it's a perceptual problem, I think it's a perceptual solution. But it's very troublesome to be able to perceive that clearly. And read between the lines of reality in a reality that is traumatic and scary and based on competition and isolation and separateness and, and all these things that aren't actually innately part of how we are as human beings. And this switch in perception gets us perceiving more so with how we are innately as human beings to walk around in reality that isn't designed that way, is painful. Because we don't just see words, we actually see the feelings we see with our whole being, not just seeing with our eyes, we're seeing everything. I like watching talks right now on the brain and neuroplasticity, because because the spectrum that I've experienced is what they're talking about, even though they're talking about it in relation to something else. The brain is the brain consciousness is consciousness. I think what's actually happening is that consciousness gets stuck in thought. And it actually identifies with thought, as opposed to the level of consciousness that is, I don't know if it's creating the thought, but or if the thought is creating the level of consciousness, so by negating thinking, level of consciousness goes up. And it's negating one's own personal thoughts and opinions and, and, and the value that one attributes to that. I feel like thought is the electricity, the negative charge going to the prefrontal cortex, when it's supposed to be sort of flowing through us as consciousness comes through us, it gets funneled into thoughts in the prefrontal cortex so that all that energy gets wasted in the prefrontal cortex as opposed to just having a flow. And then we're actually perceiving in the moment what's happening. Instead of perceiving our own abstractions about the past, I had an insight about the diabetes example that is often given about how people have to take their medications forever, just like diabetes. Well, actually, a lot of people manage their diabetes with just diet and lifestyle changes, and they don't take any medications. They have to have a very particular diet, very particular exercise and lifestyle, and they can manage it. Most people don't want to put the effort into that. So they have to take medication, which is fine. That's People's Choice. And I feel it's the same with me with bipolar. I can manage without medication. I haven't yet done that. But I feel I can. I might have to have a different lifestyle and diet and nutrition and things and it might take a lot more effort but If that's something I want to do, I should be able to do it. What I'm saying is if a person wants to get to the point of not having to take any medication, it takes work and it takes really learning about oneself. Another reason why I don't really want to work in the mental health field is because I feel like a lot of the research I've done over the last couple of years regarding mental health is silly in a way because that's acknowledging psychology and thoughts, which I feel are meant to be negated as Krishna Murty would say. So me being concerned about my mental state. And my is actually just reaffirming the me, which is the mental state, which is the the trouble in the first place, is being over, concerned with oneself. And it's interesting how in mania, one is completely fearless and not concerned with oneself at all, really. And then, as the process ends, and it's generally fearful. One is, again, afraid for oneself, one's fearful. And not that that's bad, it's necessary in the process of coming back. Because the me the ego itself is fear. So it makes sense that we would feel that fear pretty intensely. And that's interpreted as somebody's personal mental illness, when really they were detached from the personal and more existing in the universal. And then when one comes back down to the level of thought the level of society, then one needs that ego process again. And it's, it's scary. But that whole process doesn't mean it's a process to be feared, or prevented from happening again, I feel like if it's understood, it's easier to go through. And that's why I'm talking to myself to create my own understanding, to either prevent it from happening, perhaps, or, if it does happen to be less fearful of it. So mania is just consciousness, freed from thought, from personal ego thinking, there's a different level of thinking, which is from perception, which is a creative process. So it's almost like going from the ego, which is destructive to this creative process. And then we come back to this ego process, which is destructive. And one feels very loving and joyful, and the other feels fearful, and is giving the contrast to us, like how do we want to live in fear, or in this other state. And we can create this other state, by gesturing it into our brain into our nerve cells. In order for that, to maybe be more able to handle that level of consciousness filtering through our system. And also, it's almost like strength training to be able to maintain that level of consciousness to actually have it changed in us epigenetically. And we can actually exercise that we can do gestures, we can work out our nervous system and our our epigenetics and our, our chemistry in order to be able to uphold that level of consciousness. Because right now, we don't have that internal biology in order to withhold it. And then we're medicated into trying to never experience that again. And I don't think it's actually good to try to experience that state, I think it's good to exercise the body in such a way that one can hold that consciousness in the body without actually feeling manic, just it might even just feel normal. And that's the thing, once we get adapted, it feels normal. That state felt like this other worldly, spiritual, amazing, crazy, magical thing, because we haven't existed that way since childhood. And then we can act in different ways. So when that when we're actually in that level of consciousness, we've, we've earned it. We've practiced it in our body because we're so used to practicing our own ego and our own fear that that's why we stay in those states. I actually feel it's important to practice this because there could be a huge wave of this energy Coming this consciousness and a lot more of us could go into the states at the same time. And all of a sudden, the world could be on like this insanely crazy place. And if we practice these higher states and these levels in our neurology, then when that high energy comes, we'll be able to maintain it and stay there. And everyone else that falls into everything else will probably, it will probably be hell on earth for a lot of people. So this wave could actually be a clue of things to come. And then everyone else is trying to stop the people who are going through this from happening when they should be actually learning how to start to practice these states in their own neurology. So when that energy comes, they're going to be able to handle it, because the very people who are pathologizing us, could be the next to be pathologizedI watched a talk. And I think it was at this exponential medicine conference or something. And the guy, I don't know his name, he was talking about psilocybin mushrooms, and how they're doing studies that it really helps people if they're terminally ill at the end of their life to deal with the anxiety, of dying. And he was hoping other people are hoping that it might be rescheduled for use in that context for people who are really anxious about dying, and he said, there's an infinite wisdom within us, within consciousness that's unlocked by psilocybin. And I think it can be unlocked by many things, not just psilocybin. And I think that's one of the things that gets unlocked. When a person goes into map consciousness or manic consciousness is, it's like going into this state of infinite wisdom. And he also said, these are meaning making compounds. And I thought that was interesting, because I remember talking about the meaning making and how that's important. I think mob consciousness and mania is a state of making other meanings and assigning other values to reality than the ones that are programmed ego would have a sign. So again, I'm just taking what he said, and transferring that over to the experience of map consciousness, which, in my case has happened organically, I didn't have any kind of substance induced mania or psychosis. The point is that our own body can make these biomolecules endogenously, and will do so if there's some kind of need for that. So for some reason, my consciousness thought, it's time to go into map consciousness, it's time to go into mania, for whatever reason, and like Sean Blackwell said, it's a healing process, even psychosis as a healing process. It could even be helping to heal that one doesn't want to participate in this insane society. And when I was listening to this talk, I was thinking about how psychosis could even be partly for us to experience death, so we're not afraid of death. I've experienced psychosis and felt like I've died numerous times. I would say three times pretty strongly and then other times for sure, too. And the guy also said, they take the medicine once, and and it's a transformative experience. It recalibrates how they die. For one, it's a transformative experience. So it was map consciousness. And that can happen when the inner medicine of the body kicks in. The inner wisdom, it's the inner shaman that kicks in and turns on these processes to turns on these inner molecules in order to heal the psyche or whatever it needs to heal. It's, it's an inner death while living and, and we're judging that death as well. And we're not handling that death process. Well, either it's a death of the ego, or at least, elements of it. Even Eckhart totally says, to die before you die and realize there's no death. Well, this is part of what map consciousness is dying before you die. And the other interesting statement is it recalibrates how they die. Well, I think map consciousness recalibrates how we live, at least it's supposed to. And I've even used that word recalibrate. Yet, after our recalibration when we're at our weakest point, because it's sort of drained us of everything we know to be true. We're given the story that were mentally ill and effective. When if we knew anything about neuroplasticity, we would know that's not true. It's a matter of distracting all those circuits that are not serving us or humanity anymore. And then growing again, as something new, just like a forest fire burns the whole forest down well then a new growth forest, and it's even stronger because it's some of the seeds that survived the fire. So whatever His left after the fire of mania and psychosis is what we're supposed to grow from. And it's usually channeled into this process they call recovery, which is you're mentally ill and you're defective. And you're going to be stigmatized, because we've given you this, and you're gonna have to walk around saying, I'm mentally ill and defective, but don't stigmatize me. Because that's what we say that you should say and how you should interpret this. It's a rebirth. It's, it's a rediscovery and recreation process, and psychosis. And mania is like this fire that burns everything that we don't need anymore. And then it's up to us to, to move into that which is indestructible, because it can only destroy those parts of us which are not real. And part of the recalibration is to open our hearts. And he mentioned in the video, something called the noetic quality, which is encountering ultimate reality. There's definitely a noetic quality in mania and psychosis. And when we experience that ultimate reality, sometimes we are sounding like we're confused and things because it's a state full of awe and wonder. And sometimes we can only use metaphors to try and put it into words. He talked about set and setting for the people he administered the psilocybin to and how important it is. For people in mob consciousness, they're set and setting often is their same old, mundane life, or the structure of society, which is not structured for somebody to be in mob consciousness for long periods of time without getting freaked out. And then not only that, people are taken to scary settings, such as psych hospitals. And then, since they're so vulnerable, and sensitive and consciousness, they can react to that. And then they look like they're mentally ill or something when really, they're afraid, because they should be. And I was thinking about how people might be allowed to have these states of consciousness to go into altered states of consciousness at the end of their life. They're not now but maybe if they change the laws, people will be able to take that from a doctor at the end of life in order to feel comfortable with dying. Yet, it's not okay to have map consciousness any other way at any other point in time, is not allowed. Part of the trouble with psychosis is it's just not allowed. Any gave some examples of what people were saying, after they experienced having the psilocybin mushroom experience. And people are saying, we're all one and all these beautiful things that I'm thinking, wouldn't that be good to know at the beginning of life would not be a good experience to give people when they're just hitting puberty? Wouldn't that create a different world yet, oh, since these people are dying, we're going to let them have this altered state of consciousness in a safe and controlled environment, which in a lot of shamanic cultures, is part of rites of passage, where people are given some kind of teacher plant or something in order for people to have that experience, to inform the rest of their life not to inform the end of their life. And he was saying, consciousness is made out of love, and all this lovely stuff, and I'm thinking to myself, these are the things people need to know before they enter into adulthood, not just before they go to the other side. And I think that's part of what map consciousness is trying to do, is creating the same experience of psilocybin mushroom endogenously we can do that spontaneously. We can't by our own will, but by the will of something else, which is one of the reasons why it feels so mystical and and otherworldly is because we don't necessarily, always consciously intend for that to happen. So even though we have this illusion of control, under this illusion of freewill, we only do to a very limited extent. And you talked about seeing ultimate reality and how Love is the answer. And it's just silly to me because if that's really what that does, People should be given that. In high school, not when they're dying. It's just It seems so obvious that the only way it would be allowed this way is because people are going to die. And it's like mercy on these people who have maybe sold their life into some other crap that they didn't even want to do. Because they didn't know that love was the answer from the beginning, because it's programmed out of us. So it's a good start, that people might be allowed to die in peace. After not living in peace, mania is the mind exercising the brain, consciousness can exercise the brain, the level of consciousness, exercises the brain. And it seems a consciousness wants us to get used to these extreme changes in consciousness, and people who are able to do that will actually have an advantage. something beyond us is changing our consciousness. Part of this is the perspective taking. That's part of how the mind uses the brain to create itself. We have to be able to see from all the infinite perspectives of the total mind. That's our job as human beings, we're probably the only creature that can do that. The mind consciousness is changing our brains. And we think that the planet will be destroyed. But I think what will actually be destroyed first is our own brain. Because there's a certain percentage of people right now, with their brains not working properly. The brain is not really being views properly is being wasted. I think wise brains will last Dr. Albert vitiligo said, nature selects for wisdom. And if map consciousness is a state of wisdom of learning, I feel that nature is going to select for brains that have the whole spectrum of wisdom, the whole spectrum of consciousness, and other brains will be deteriorating, where they can't even really function anymore. And the wisdom is all those natural, innate human dimensions, those inner human dimensions are what feed the brain really cooperation. laughter, oxytocin. Our brains are starved of the nutrients of relationship and unconditional love, which are oxytocin type experiences. I just looked up oxytocin, it looks like it might be increased by vitamin C. I just looked up oxytocin. And it looks like it might be increased by vitamin C. I was thinking about that other TED talk I watched, which was flex your cortex, and how one of her secrets was thinking big. And it occurred to me that most people don't even know how to think big. Because we're so busy thinking about the past. Or we're so busy thinking about our knowledge, or what we've memorized or stuff like that. So we don't actually know how to think big. And I was thinking that my self dialog processes sort of, like thinking big. They're not really big thoughts, but they're just a lot of thoughts. And there are a lot of new thoughts and different thoughts and some overlap. And and in that way, I think it's creating new brain cells in my brain and, and probably more blood flow to my brain as well. But it just sort of occurred to me that I don't even know if people know how to use their brains in this way, or in a similar way. People might be able to watch a TED talk or something and nod their head and smile. But can they actually interpret it? Can they actually extrapolate it? Can they actually find the meaning and and what's implicit In what's being said and relate that to other areas, or can they just absorb it and try to memorize it and then regurgitate it later. And I feel like what she's talking about thinking big, doesn't mean regurgitating what other people said, because those are old memories, or even memorizing something in general. causes, I think, scar tissue in the brain, because we're not really meant to memorize things. Because if our brains are perceiving and, and seeing and thinking in the moment, then our brains are doing its job. Because it's responding to the moment. And if we adequately respond to the moment, we don't really have to think about something else. And if we need some kind of other information, we'll be able to find it, or it will just appear in our consciousness, without having to actually think about it or remember it, it'll just, it'll just be there. Just sort of like, aha, our brains are supposed to work more like a ha, you recap all day long. Not I am this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So so you have part of this, me talking to myself, is the thinking big, and maybe other people might see that this is about thinking for oneself. And growing one's own brain. Instead of being thinked. By old thinking, I feel like saying, I think if it comes from memory, if it comes from the past, if it comes from a personal psychological thought, should be more like I thought, I thought I thought, and that's more equating what's really going on in somebody's head, which is like old scar tissue, as opposed to actual using one's brain to see. So I really hope that people might be able to start seeing the thinking, not saying what I saw yesterday, or 10 years ago, and replaying that in once consciousness, which keeps one in the level of consciousness of those thoughts. And as a prison. When you hyper learn in this way, you don't need memory. If you need memory, it will be there. But you don't have to actually be using any of your energy to find it. If your mind screen isn't full of your own past thoughts and thinking about yourself, that's where those memories that you need, or information or, or ideas will will appear, appear not as a linear associative process, but just likely holographically. And it is likely holographic because, as they say, every bit of information in the entire universe is available at every point in the universe. So if our brain or mind screen isn't clogged up with anything holographically in that moment, as the moment requires, the light of your awareness will access that because you can be aware of it. Because you're clear. When you're always remembering things, it's in the way of that clarity. And the hyper learning state without memory is intrinsically motivating, without having to think about what is motivating, because that's a memory. So even once motivation has to be negated. And I feel that with mob consciousness, it takes a while to grow into our expanded awareness and to be able to be aware, without falling into the trap of getting used by some of the things that we become aware of takes time To adapt. Like I mentioned before, it's like being blind, and then all of a sudden having surgery, to restore eyesight. We think we see the world but we don't we just see our own past. And it's interesting because we see our own personal past and in my consciousness, a lot of times we get access to the past of the collective of humanity. And it's almost like the past of the collective of humanity, led up to the point where we're born. And then we see in that same way, and we continue those perceptions. So, us being born as a perceptual apparatus in the universe, was preceded by all the collective perceptions up until that point. So it makes sense that in my consciousness, we have to go through that entire spectrum of all of the perceptions of humanity in order to rid ourselves of those perceptions because we can't really rid ourselves of something that we're not aware of. So we become aware of all of that, so we can say goodbye to it, and not have it as part of our perceptual apparatus. I feel like map consciousness is neuroplasticity, it is learning is the brain learning about the mind. And then a person comes back from that state, and everything is done to try to stop it. Whereas everywhere else in science and brain science they're trying to study neuroplasticity, when it comes to people who go through these neuro plastic, extreme experiences these extreme experiences of neuroplasticity. They're given meds to stop it from happening again. And it's never equated to neuroplasticity, or let's research neural plasticity and for people recovering from spinal injury or from for people recovering from some kind of happening at birth or, or, or stroke. But, oh, people diagnosed with mental illness or that has nothing to do with neuroplasticity. We don't want to think about that. Because that's the brain turning on hyper neuroplasticity for itself by itself without the need of science or anything. So we don't want we don't want that because you can't patent the brain turning on its own neuroplasticity. So second brain growth and pruning. And the brain is trying to outgrow the society's trying to operate at higher levels of consciousness in order to create a different society. The brain is trying to wake itself up and is trying to learn how to celebrate and be joyous for no reason because reasons are given to us by society. reasons are programmed and so his motivation. Motivation is like focus. They tell us what to be motivated by and for and to focus on. And if we're not motivated by those things, then with something must be wrong with us. Just means we weren't able to accept that programming.It's interesting how it's taken a lot of words, a lot of self dialogue in order to replace the programming I've been given about mental illness. Even though I never really believed the diagnosis when I got it. I remember thinking that's not it. Even though I knew that was an ad, I didn't really know what it was. And I still don't. But I'm starting to feel like we're not mentally ill, we're neuro plastic. We're not our egos. We're not our personalities. I feel like I'm not mentally ill, my brain is trying to grow into higher levels of consciousness. But it's not really mirrored and reflected in society. So it's difficult to stay there if one doesn't really understand what's going on. And especially if one doesn't understand what's going on, and goes back down to lower levels of consciousness back to ego consciousness. And then if one inherits the understanding that it's just a pathological mental illness, that one's definitely not going to grow into higher levels of consciousness, one's definitely not going to act in ways that will actually help grow the brain in these other ways. And I think that's one of the reasons why in mania, we connect with things like altruism, and, and so many of these things related to the oneness of humanity, because it's this higher level of consciousness, then we come back down, and we're told, we have this individual mental illness when our brains were growing into the consciousness of oneness, which isn't the dominant level of consciousness, but one can still move towards that. One can still work to neuro plastically rewire one's brain, according to that by harvest, practicing embodying one's mania. And I don't even think one actually has to really harvest practice an embody it. one just has to open one's brain back up to learning moment to moment. Whether it's learning about prior manic states, or whether it's just going out and embodying it, embodying something other than one's habitual conditioned personality. By allowing the surprise of consciousness to interject the stream of habitual self ego me reflexive thoughts, the brain is trying to actualize its potential, to embody the mind to embody the consciousness, that is the highest level of consciousness, we're here to embody, which is unconditional love. It's almost like our brains have gotten to a point where they're just getting so narrow, that it collapses upon itself. And then the neuro plastic process turns back on as an emergency mechanism of consciousness to save to salvage some brains. We can only save our own brain. It's transconscious brain growth, when the brain gets access to higher levels of consciousness, it grows, it grows neurons to actually be able to mirror that level of consciousness. So people who have gone to those higher states have the blueprint, it's just a matter of acting based on that blueprint. It grows because it can see different perspectives. So seeing is what grows the brain actually seeing, we're always seeing the past, the brains not growing, and consciousness is non local, it can leave the body, I had an experience once where I was a bird flying south. And in that process, we learn different meanings, we learn other meanings of what it is to be alive. And then when we come back to ego consciousness, we re inherit those meanings. And not only that, when heard the meaning that we're defective when we're mentally ill, and this isn't about convincing anyone that they're not mentally ill or that they are mentally ill. It's about finding out for yourself what you want to think about yourself. And being confused is an important part of the process. Because it means we have to rearrange our mental models, just like Jason Silva says, with the experience of or an experience of such perceptual vastness that we literally have to rearrange our mental models in order to integrate it. prefrontal cortex is what generates abstract thoughts. And when we decouple from our ego, and then we come back to it, we can have some scary thoughts that we don't think we are thinking. But it's generated by the prefrontal cortex. And when we're trying to end our life, we're actually trying to end the prefrontal cortex, we're trying to end those thoughts, and our personality, we're not actually trying to end our life, some of us do end up ending our life. But we really just want those thoughts to stop. Again, it's another mechanism by which the prefrontal cortex has been destroyed by people ending their own lives. Being told were defective, is very destructive, because we're just getting back to learning. And if we're told we're defective, we're not going to continue learning, we're going to stop the learning process. Not only that, we tend to isolate because we're think we're defective. And then that isolation also causes further atrophying of the brain. It atrophies the relational aspect of the brain and the mind. So part of harvesting mania is thinking about things in many, many ways, and not grasping onto anything in particular, through my whole process of self dialog, haven't held too tightly on to anything that I've said. And in not hanging on to anything tightly. I've had more insights into how I might want to talk about it with myself, to the point now where I'm seeing that it could just be the brain attempting to grow. And it's growing pains. And the brain is trying to grow into consciousness. And I like that reframe. I'm curious to know what's to come in terms of reframing. But I feel I've definitely gotten to the point of talking myself out of feeling like it's a mental illness. And like I said, I've never really felt that it was but I've, I've still participated in things related to mental illness. And a lot of it is very valuable, especially the psychosocial stuff, because it keeps people from isolating. And a lot of the people I know, who I'm friends with, through this process, are amazing people. And so for me, it has nothing to do with mental illness, it's just about connecting with friends. In my consciousness, we suspend our opinions and our judgments, or they're suspended for us. And they're pushed out by the speed of processing, in which we can see clearly in the moment and understand. And then that produces a lot more words, because of that information coming through all the senses. Clear seeing and clear perception is what grows the brain. Makes sense. Because if we're thinking something old, it's not going to be something new. That's going to grow the brain, expand the brain make new connections, it's an old connection. And if the brain is clear, it can see and it can learn. And I feel like you might find if you can see and learn in that way. There's not really that much else you need. You don't need motivation, you don't need all of these other abstract concepts, because your brain is clear and it's doing exactly what it is meant to do. And so that's all the meaning it needs. Doesn't have to search for meaning. Because the very meaning is the brain, which is learning and if it can't learn it's going to be looking for meaning because it's all clogged up with abstractions and and crap. I was thinking about a lot of these nutritional bio types of bipolar how they require more B vitamins and and B vitamins are mostly made in our gut by gut back Turia. So this could have something to do with, again, how the microorganisms and how we kill them is actually destroying our brains. And I think that is the case, in some research in autism and, and it is partly the case with mental health, and they even say 80% of serotonin is made in the gut. So with our overuse of antibiotics, we think we're killing these pathogens, but really, we're destroying our own brains. And the bacteria actually helped to create our brains. The bacteria partly are our brains. And we're against them too. And bipolar is like bipolar, hyper sensitivity, and bipolar, hyper perception. When we're hypersensitive and hyper perceiving, we're hyper learning. Because we see more, so we were processing more, we feel more, we're processing more. Society is designed in such a way that we don't even feel how we're killing ourselves in a slow and painful way. our emotions too, are because we're not learning. We're busy thinking about the past and emoting about the past. And that's wasting our molecules and our nutrition. And then we need more nutrition in order to actually exist in the material world. And, and we're emoting about the past because we're not fully engaged in the present. So all of this waste of energy is because we're not in the present moment. Because we can't deal with what's happening in the present moment. Because we don't know how, because we don't know how to learn, because we're busy thinking about the past. And we've turned the material world into habit. And by doing that, we're habitually going about our day, and we're not even present. And then we're busy worrying and moaning about things in our brain. So we're living in our own emotions in our brain. If we're fully engaged in the present learning, we wouldn't be emoting. And we wouldn't be wasting our nutrients and, and destroying our brains. magcon consciousness showed me what I need to do to build the Dream Center and I think I talked about the Dream Center before, but I just want to tell myself about it again. When I think about it, the Dream Center would be about allowing people to go through their transconscious experience in order to shift from perceiving through the past the scar tissue of neurons in the brain. And that is decoupled from and then all of a sudden one is existing as their neuro plastic brain. They're infinitely pliable brain as Krishna Murty would say. They're not acting as a programmed reaction to the past. I finished watching Sean Blackwell's videos and he talked about how the spectrum of psychosis is the same as the spectrum of consciousness. So in a way, the remedy for psychosis is an increase in level of consciousness. I don't think the question is how to solve mental illness. It's how to be fully alive and gesture oneself into joy. Will you join meSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

brain, learning, mental health, consciousness, psych ward, psychosis, damaged, meaningsHappy New Year to myself. It's 2017 wasn't sure if I'd make it. Remember before my birthday, I was in the psych ward, and I was turning 34. And I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it past 33 I was really afraid. So I made it through the year. And I'm in this tiny little room just because I can hear the TV noise through the floor in the living room. And I was in here anyway, I was looking for some information. And this morning, I did tiare trauma releasing exercise by Dr. briselli. It's the fourth or fifth time I've done it, I'm going to try and do it every other day or every few days. And it's also day four of taking EMP. I did take it this morning. And I didn't get any of that white stuff on my hands. But I was feeling pretty happy. For a while now I feel I feel right. I was jumping on my mini trampoline. And I felt like a good jump on it all day. No, then I shoveled some snow. I was looking through some of my binders of information from when I was doing all that research in the last couple of years. And I came across this paper that I have notes on from when I spoke with Victoria Maxwell, who is a mental health speaker and advocate and consultant. And I spoke with her on the phone. And we were talking about mental health. And she gave me this piece of advice. And it says first priority. Don't do anything to jeopardize your own mental health and own physical well being even when you're wanting to be of service. And she said this is an important guide post. And I found it interesting just because I feel like I know that working in mental health isn't good for my mental health. Yet, I'm still working in it. But I know I'm going to change that soon. It was a good reminder for myself though, because I probably spoke with her over two years ago. And I have a note about i a transgenic illness. And I didn't know what that meant. So I looked it up in it something about the illness being caused by the treatment. And I resonate with that in terms of how I was treated in the psych ward in April of last year now I can say of last year. And I also came across this sheet that I got when I saw this lady who does live blood cell analysis. I've seen her twice over the years. And she's always right on with what to do. And she even wrote, take em power 12 a day for two weeks. And I'm actually seeing her on Wednesday. So I'm gonna bring this and talk to her and see if she thinks I should do that. Or if I should just take a little bit like I'm taking or what I should do. And I found this paper I printed out on pyrole disorder. It's on pyrole urea. That's hard to say, and Candida. And I pulled it out of the binder just because I think Hyrule disorder is about something to do with hemoglobin. And right now I'm actually quite interested in this whole oxygenation thing. And blood flow and oxygen getting to the brain and blood flow through the capillaries and things. And it's interesting that pyrole disorder often needs a lot more zinc and B six. To help fix the problem. It almost seems like our blood cells aren't even being metabolized properly. It says pi roll a key component of him as an hemoglobin Is overproduced in the liver. The severity of this condition fluctuates wildly as it's strongly related to stress. And it seems like why would the liver over produce a component of heme, maybe it's trying to produce more blood cells because the ones we have aren't properly going through the capillaries or something like maybe it's trying to change the structure of the blood cell. I actually feel it's hard to really explain what I'm thinking about in terms of this. But it's sort of like, I think the brain is desperate for oxygen and nutrients that starved. And it could be that this is a different type of blood cell hoping to get to the other regions of the brain or there's so many different possibilities. But I'm just seeing this theme right now. Because I guess that's what I'm looking for around blood, blood flow, even earthing and sunlight and how that gets the blood flowing, I think. It says payroll a key component of heme is over producing the liver, and bone marrow, the surplus of Pyro binds to vitamin B six, and zinc and is excreted in the feces and urine. So this creates deficiencies in zinc and B six. And to me, that sounds like a bit of a desperate attempt to create more blood cells in a way like the body is creating more pyrole hoping to create more blood cells perhaps. But when it's not happening, then it has to be excreted. And then it's wasting the basics and the zinc. And it's saying that a big cause of the pyrole disorder is candida overgrowth. And it's saying pyrole disorder is a main cause of mental emotional disorders. Yeah, that's a really interesting paper, if you Google, pi, roll, urea. And Candida might at some point, go back to a ketogenic diet. If not, maybe do one day of fasting per week, because that helps to restore the mitochondrial function. And Dr. mercola is coming out with a book on this soon. And I'll probably get that book just because I know he's been researching it really intensely. And I found another presentation I saw, somebody was talking about how niacin, decreases dopamine activity. I'm not really sure how that plays in. But it's interesting, because I talk about dopamine. And I actually feel like there's this over emphasis on dopamine in the brain. And that could be what eventually causes it to sort of short circuit. Because you can think about, well, you need to use it or you'll lose it. And if you overuse it, you'll also lose it. Because if we're always working out one muscle, and we overuse it, we're actually going to disrupt the balance of the whole system. So it's not about just using it, it's about intelligently using it. We need to use other faculties of our brain to besides pleasure, pain. So it's interesting that people have this area of their brain sort of short circuit, and then we need a lot more niacin in order to suppress the dopamine. And I found this other bit of information I printed by Captain Randall. I don't know who this guy is. But it was really interesting to me when I read it. This was in June 2015, that I printed it. And he's talking in this paper and I haven't really read it yet about oxygen deprived energy starved areas of the body and how they turn into cancer or have offered to stick bugs and infections flourish in those areas because what they don't have oxygen. And I think the similar thing is actually happening with suppose with mental illness is that the brain is being deprived of oxygen. And it's not necessarily being deprived of oxygen because oxygen isn't going to the brain but We're not using it in the right way. So we're not allowing it to grow by actually using it and learning. Yeah, so I will read this one again, because he's talking about raising charge to facilitate oxygen delivery. He does say together with vitamin C, oxygen therapy should be basic treatment for depression and mental problems. And the main thing I wanted to find was these true hope studies that I knew I had. And these are just the abstracts, they're not the actual studies. But I might want to give it to my doctor and see if she's open to supporting me to come off my medication. I want to say, read these while I'm gone. And see if she'll be supportive because they talk so much about being person centered and everything, but will they really be person centered. And I also remember them talking about this study that they did, where they had this maze for rats or something. And there was normal rats, and then there was rats, they removed half their brain or something like that. And then they gave the rats that they removed half their brain EMP and the rats with half removed brains, and taking EMP did better than the normal routes. And they also talk about how the brain re grows with em powerplus. And I thought to look for that, because of how now I'm sort of thinking about this whole bipolar transconscious map consciousness phenomenon as brain growth. And I was remembering that I was talking about how it's like a second brain growth before I just remember that today. I was like, Oh, I was kind of talking about this. And now I'm coming across things that are talking about brain growth and brain plasticity. And I'm thinking about how this phenomenon seems to me, like the brain is trying to grow again. I think it's almost like a desperate attempt for the brain to start learning and growing again, because it's caught in such a habitual pattern, where it's not even really learning anything, it's just existing in a machine like nature of conditioned reflexes, and, and that way of existing and being isn't actually the way the brain is designed to be. So if there's certain preconditions met, it seems like the universe comes in, and starts to turn the brain back on to learning. And I don't think it's that mysterious, because our brains were learning to begin with. So it's just this programming got installed in our brains and stopped it from learning. And then it makes sense that that's not really real. So it's just a matter of that falseness, losing its grip and falling away and collapsing to some extent, for a short period of time, and then the learning process turns back on. And then when a person is learning, they're acting different ways. They're free from the prison of habit. And people think that they're mentally ill because of that. And the person gets really happy and excited and everything because it is pretty exciting to be here on earth with a brain that is able to learn. Just like when we were children, we were pretty darn excited. Our brain was fully engaged in learning. And I just find it really interesting how they talk about neuroplasticity, and how mental health would say while the brain is damaged, it's a it's a biological brain disease. But they're showing that through neuroplasticity, we can change almost anything in the brain. So I don't really think even if there is some kind of truth to that statement about it being some kind of pathology in the brain. Science is going to say, well, we can easily change that. Maybe not super easily all the time. So this whole story about buying into being defective permanently. Can't last I don't think and I don't really want to be a part of that story, because it's due to collapse upon itself. And I want to help that collapse upon itself in my life, because I don't subscribe to that. And I think the brain really wants to learn The brain is a learning and exploring device. And I listened to a TED talk that was super fascinating. And it was by a lady named Sandra bond, Chapman, and it was called flex your cortex. And she started with this example of how she met a boy. And her tape recorder was broken. And the boy had been diagnosed with severe autism with some kind of label about how he couldn't learn and was very impaired. And nobody could fix her tape recorder. And she'd taken it to different places. And, and this boy just took it apart and put it back together and fixed it in the snap of a finger. And then she decided to study neuroscience because of that. And right away, when I heard that, at the beginning of the talk, I was like, whoo, I want to listen to this because I find the autism spectrum fascinating because the brains learning in a different way. And I think it's an adapt ation of the human brain overall, evolutionarily, in order to continue learning, because that could be it that words, and our language has actually gotten to the point where it's preventing us from learning, we think, intelligence is words. But that example she gave, and my observations of it as well, is showing that it's just a different line of intelligence. And I think it's actually necessary because, like I said, words are preventing us from learning now, because we're so stuck in our own opinions and judgments, that we're not actually learning anything. And she talked about unlocking the immense potential of our brains. I think the universe, and our brains are trying to unlock the immense potential of our brains, our brains are trying to unlock the immense potential of our brains. So a brain can have this transconscious experience or process happen. And it's, I feel reinitiating learning process. And when that happens, it's confusing. Because we're actually used to operating with a brain that's not really learning much at all. It's absorbing a little bit here and a little bit there. But it's not actually engaged in learning in the moment, moment by moment. So it is initiated back to moment by moment learning, which can be scary, which can be confusing. It's not something we're used to. We used to be that way as kids. And she said, it takes one to two generations for scientific discoveries to to catch on. And she said, that is too long. And I agree. And I feel like if I work in mental health, I'll be participating in that slow one to two generation process. Whereas if I just work with myself, then it's going to be a lot faster. And then she shared seven secrets of the brain. And the one that interested me the most was when she said, her secret number four is big idea, thinking. So she's talking about taking in different bits of information, combining with old knowledge, and coming up with new ways of thinking that she said would be higher levels of thinking, like synthesizing extracting the essence of it, finding the meaning in terms of interpreting it, and using transformative communication as well. She said big idea thinking is what makes her thinking memory and learning most robust. And she said, when we engage in big idea thinking, it actually increases blood flow to the neurons by eight to 12%. And it also increases the speed of the connection of neurons in some areas of the brain by 30%. And how I relate this to my experiences that in mania, that's what it is. It's constant big idea, thinking. It's seeing the more it's extrapolating, it's interpreting it's processing. And, and with the speed of how it happens, it makes sense that certain connections would be happening 30% faster, and I actually feel like there is an increase in blood flow to the brain in that process. And I think it's actually happening because the brain is attempting to learn again. And I feel that's what can happen when the ego collapses is that all of a sudden, one thinks in a different way, because one thing's based on what one is perceiving. And she did a ton of studies and said that her studies show that big idea thinking, increases your brain health at all levels. And then I was thinking about my process of self dialogue, and how a lot of it is just me, synthesizing and interpreting things and making meaning out of things and, and adding things together to create higher levels and new ways of thinking, at least for myself, maybe other people have bought these things, too. And it's not about what it is, I'm thinking exactly, is not about anything in particular, it's not about the ideas and whether they're right or wrong. And I've said this before, it's about the process itself, the learning process. And if I think about mania, and map consciousness and transconsciousness, and how the brain is just really enjoying learning, by doing this process with myself, I'm actually engaged in that same thing, just to a smaller scale. I'm doing it consciously, with myself versus waiting for the universe, or whatever it is, to switch that process on in my brain. And it was interesting that I came across this talk, because I was thinking about, how do I increase the oxygen to my brain and the blood flow to my brain? Do I invert? Do I hang upside down? Do I go outside and walk barefoot? Do I get more sunshine? And those are two things I plan to do. When I go to California? Do I jump more on my mini trampoline, which is one thing I do. And I think that's something that probably helps with oxygenation of the body to and then I came across this talk and she's saying, one of the best things to do is actually think, think big. And when when we think about the brain, that's what the brain is for that is what exercises the brain is to think, in different ways and to see things in different ways. And I feel like math consciousness, since the ego collapses, or gets scrambled temporarily. Then all of a sudden, the brain. Strange. It's strange. The last couple of days have gone blank a few times. Just in the middle of my sentence, I have no, like, I feel like I know what I wanted to say or I was going to say, but it just stops. So she said, big idea thinking is brain exercise. So I'd like to think that mania is brain exercise is getting the brain to step outside its normal thought patterns. Because if we only are thinking a very small number of things, we're only seeing a very small number of things. And that's the thing the brain doesn't map consciousness is it's able to take many different perspectives because when it sees something, it can take that perspective. It can see how it works, it can understand it. So then it has taken that perspective. So it's a process of, I think the brain wants us to be able to see more perspectives than just our individual goals and success and our individual desires and pleasures, because the world can't take that anymore. And that's one of the reasons why somebody who goes into map consciousness feels so altruistic or mystical or, or powerful, because I think one's connecting with that power that if we were all really cooperating together, we wouldn't be that powerful. It's not a power that one individual actually has, because we're not actually individuals were the same consciousness. At that level of consciousness, we're all the same. And we would work together not for our own individual gratification, because we would see where that leads us. And she talks about the importance of innovating, and new things. And I think that goes along with big idea thinking is that everything feels new. And I think part of it, too, would be just seeing something in a new way. So one doesn't necessarily have to have this completely random and chaotic life, one can just be aware of seeing things in new ways, or suspending judgment. And then she talked about motivation to and how important it is. And I feel like if our brain is restored to learning, we're actually motivated. And I think that's why society as a whole is sort of collectively depressed, because a lot of our brain, we're sort of told to live a certain way. And we're not really exercising our brains, we're not really thinking for ourselves where we're being told what to think. And we have these repetitive thoughts. So we're not able to think for ourselves. And this, to me, also, I think, reaffirms what I was talking about in terms of how the prefrontal cortex is shutting down in favor of probably blood flow to other areas. This yapping has to shut down in order for us to learn and think and see a new, we stop learning when the prefrontal cortex gapping started, because we're hearing that, and that's getting in the way of actual learning, it's getting in the way of seeing, because we're actually only seeing our words, we're not seeing with the light of our consciousness. We're seeing images based on the stories that our own words are telling us. So we're not actually seeing what's in front of us, we have this projection superimposed over reality. And then we're not learning about reality as we go, we're, we're projecting from the past. So we're all living in the past, and we're not actually learning and how can we enjoy life when we're living in the past. So I think that was a really important video for me to watch at that moment, because it has large relevance to the self dialogue, because I'm utilizing self dialogue in a way to talk about the big ideas that I have about things and, and it seems like from what she's saying, that's going to exercise and grow my brain. And if my brain is wanting to grow, and one of the reasons why it goes into mania is in order to grow, even though it's kind of confusing, by talking about all of that, and creating that context, is creating the brain cells of that context by talking about it, instead of having this uncharted territory when I go into that state, if I get pushed into a super hyper learning state. And part of it too, is that I think that super hyper learning state of mania actually does damage the prefrontal cortex, because one is so hypersensitive and hyper perceptive to the society that we've designed, that as we go through it, we're learning all these beautiful things, but then we eventually learn all of these awful things about the way society has been designed, and it basically crushes us and I think that damages that part of the brain, because we see how damaging it is, and then it's very difficult to get back into recovering being able to utilize that part of the brain in the same way we used to because the point of the experience is to damage that and have other areas of the brain come online which are to do with Learning, not earning progress goals and at the expense of, of the planet and other peopleMore about this brain learning thing. Learning increases blood flow to the brain. Maybe that's the amount of blood flow we're actually supposed to have in our brain. But we don't, because we're not learning. And then the brain starts deteriorating. I actually feel like since Sandra bond Chapman said that big ideas are very important for the brain, that maybe I can share some even weirder stuff. As my brain goes there. I have weirder stuff written down in my notebooks, probably. But I haven't even gotten there. And it's hard to go backwards because I write so much in current time. And again, it's not about the ideas, it's about. If I would wish anything for somebody else it would be to be restored to learning. Our brains are wanting to learn again, and we're told to fear our own brains. We're told that our brains are defective. And you can go on Ted and listen to so many talks on neuroplasticity, saying, people who seem doomed with worse afflictions can get their brain functionality back. It's very plastic, sort of think it can be damaged. To me seems like a ridiculous notion. I feel like what's more important is to join with other brains and consciousness in order to have this flower into a different awareness. Not an awareness of being some kind of defective person. But an awareness that the brain is trying to come back online, and is trying to learn and is trying to come back online. So we cooperate together, and we take care of each other. I feel like in each crisis, so called crisis or episode, the brain is trying to learn how to take more perspectives. It's given me the experience of feeling like a homeless person, maybe so I know what it feels like to be a homeless person. And it makes sense that it would do that in order for us to be able to empathize with each other and not judge each other and understand each other and help each other more. I feel like each episode of so called psychosis is like the brain doing weightlifting. It's a hyper learning state, even if it's terrifying, or even if it's magical, it's hyper learning. It's new, it's something different than we're used to. So it's going to make the brain grow, not shrink. It's shrinking away from all that we used to think was important and meaningful. And that part of the brain goes offline somewhat. And then we're seeing as mentally ill because we don't subscribe to the meanings of society that we've been given and tricked into thinking that are what matters in life. And then the double whammy is that we get tricked into thinking that we are defective. And everything outside of our regular mode of perception is slightly confusing. It's uncharted territory. And each episode helps us learn to navigate that confusion. And confusion is necessary for growth. If we're never confused, that could be a problem, because then we're just knowing everything all the time. And if we're only knowing we're not open and curious, being confused, like that could actually provide a rich opportunity for learning. And it could be partly that we see that our thoughts are confusing. we confuse our thoughts with reality. And we're not only doing that in psychosis, we're doing that in regular consciousness. And those thoughts are telling us what is important, and what is meaningful and what we want. But that's not in alignment with the universe that's not in alignment with humanity. And so the universe comes in, and tries to erase a lot of what we think is meaningful in life. And we often feel very connected with other meanings. And then when we come back to this meaningless reality, we're told that all of that just means we're mentally ill, when that's why I feel like harvesting one's mania and practicing and embodying is important to do strength training. It's almost like we're given a blueprint in our brain, a blueprint of neurons for other territory, and other meanings and other ways of being. And we can still recall those, and go back there consciously, without having to have the confusion. And I feel like that state is the mind is the collective mind. And it's showing us it's trying to change our brain. So we'll create a different world, a world that we all want, even even people who would pathologize us would want this other world. And we're here to create that we're all together. We're here to create a world where everybody lives in harmony, not where people kill each other. Does that seem like such an unreasonable thing to think? I think if somebody is never confused, if somebody never has a change in consciousness, then one isn't learning. One is more like a drone. So called psychosis could be transconscious brain growth, when the brain goes up to different levels of consciousness, it grows. And it makes sense that the brain cells would get scared when it's coming back down to other levels of reality. I feel like the brain is having a growth spurt. And just like growth spurts physically can be painful. So can brain consciousness growth spurts. So I would like to put forth the idea of the brain growth theory of so called psychosis. And it's like a form of sensory substitution. We're less sensing our ego structure. That is a false structure that we've been given that we've been conditioned with. And we're more sensing our sensitivity, we're more perceptive. And in the society we've designed, it's actually not good, to me that perceptive as we see, because people who go into that form of perception, I think it actually damages the prefrontal cortex, because one sees how damaging the prefrontal cortex is, in that what it has created for us collectively as humans, isn't something we would design if we're in our right minds. And so a lot of it is recovery from society. And part of that is creating a new society. Who knows how to even go about that. But I think that people who go through transconsciousness would have a good idea of how to design a better society. And we might have to start with nothing with no money. We don't have money anyway. Where were you defective, according to society. But I feel like we could create a society that regular society would be wishing they could come and experience. And they talk about mental illness as having brain damage, and it gets worse over time. I think society is what damages the brain. So if it gets worse over time, it's that somebody that's hyper perceptive, is dipped in the poison of society. And over time, they're seeing more and more traumatic things and it is damaging their brains. And then the very paradigm designed to supposedly help just facilitates that process. The ego perspective gets damaged but we are given Infinite perspectives and that isn't damaged. And it's not allowed to flower because we're actually not talking about all the perspectives that we've, we've seen, we're not talking about our visions, we're not talking about our perception, we're not talking about our altruistic nature. People who pathologize us don't understand who we are in the heart. They're so busy looking at other things, they can't even see what we've seen. And then we come back here, and we can't even tell people what we've seen. But at least if we can talk to each other, then maybe we'll create enough brain cells in each of our brains, to protect us from pathologizing ourselves by taking somebody else's voice, who's told us how to think about ourselves after all of that, and, and turning it into a label. Society is not designed for infinite learning, it's designed to be a drone to be a robot. And recovery is about going back to just being a robot. I feel like map consciousness is perhaps a desperate attempt by the brain to restart itself. Because all that one values in their ego process is false. And a lot of times that happens sort of trauma, and then the ego process falls apart. And then one has access to transconsciousness. When the ego structure sees that what it's really valued has led it nowhere at all. Something happens where there's extra oxygen to the brain. And then the brain can learn. It's almost like the ego steals all the brains, oxygen. And I talked about in previous videos about how it wastes energy. And it could actually be that the prefrontal cortex is taking all the oxygen electrons all in negative charge into the prefrontal cortex and the other areas of the brain can't grow. So when we no longer identify with that, then our brains can learn. And it's interesting that it feels spiritual because learning feels spiritual. And in terms of learning, well, what do we need to learn? think it goes back to things like cooperation. I don't know how. And I think map consciousness tries to recalibrate the brain and body to cooperate. Our brain is in service of our ego. And it's not listening to our body. And it's not listening to the fundamental laws of human nature, either. I have a sense that what we're looking for is actually our own brain, our own unclouded brain. But how do we look for that with a clouded brain? We're clouding the very thing we're looking for. We're clouding the very thing we're looking with, is just clouded with a bunch of words. And I was thinking about medication and how it probably stops brain growth, probably stops oxygenation to the brain properly. And it stops people from thinking for themselves. And I feel like map consciousness is the brain or the mind trying to get the brain back interested in itself. Because if it doesn't become interested in itself, and its own ability to learn, instead of just earning and pleasure in things, it's degrading. So mob consciousness comes in and tries to make life interesting, tries to make it meaningful, tries to make it a different game. And, and all of a sudden, one is interested in learning because one finds every little thing interesting. And it's so powerful, like how could we not be so fascinated by that process? Even in retrospect after it stopped, but most of us aren't, we're like, wow, that was too scary. I'm just going to drug myself and so you don't stigmatize me and, and, and consider myself, a less than person. And it's not about mental health. This, it's about thought, old thoughts, habitual thoughts. And that's what degrades the brain. And then sometimes people get to the point where they have odd thoughts. But I think it's actually part of the process of getting out of the habit of thoughts that normally we are stuck in. And it's almost like the light of our vision has been turned into sound. So if a person has a quiet mind with no words in it, it's just silent. There's just light. And then whatever one sees, can sort of speak to the person. But if we're speaking to ourselves, we're obstructing the light of our vision. And we can't really see. And so we've turned our light, we've turned our vision into sound, that creates other images that gets in the way we're projecting. We're all living in a world of our own projection. we're projecting our own voice. And we're being used by it, we're not using it. We've been taught to be used by our own voice, instead of actually using it. Or perhaps, to use it to learn not to judge and argue and, and actually solidify our separateness and solidify our positionality ease and solidify our opinions. Most of our opinions we heard from somebody else. And then we translate it into our own voice, and then we think it's our opinion, but it's actually just programming. And then we're turned into minions. I feel like I need to grow into my own brain blueprint. It's like I was given a blueprint. When I went into map consciousness that very first time especially, and it grew some brain cells. That if other people grew those brain cells, that would be the world. But people have these limited separate brains. The map consciousness gives us a map for learning. It's not about those specific experiences, it's about the learning process itself. It's an invitation to think for ourselves about things because that was our own inner experience. Nobody else had that experience Exactly. People can't deny your inner experience, you could think about your inner experience, however you want to. And according to that Ted Talk, the bigger you think about things, the more oxygen you're going to have in your brain, the more blood you're going to have in your brain and watch out. Because you might actually get really smart. Part of the trouble actually is that people in regular consciousness with, with program brains don't really understand. So there's not very many people to talk to. Because you may as well be talking to a brick wall. So that TED talk really gave me the motivation to continue with self dialogue, and keep the oxygen goes into my brain. So that could be the main point to keep the extra oxygen going to my brain and keep my brain from shrinking back down to the level of society. The game of reality is dopamine pleasure seeking, and the universe is racing this program. So we need to find the new program and get with it. Which could be learning, being creative thinking for ourselves and thinking together with each other, and cooperating. Sounds like a more fun game.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

brain, thinking, mania, bipolar, energy, reality, funny, unconditional love, consciousness, feelIt's less than six hours away from the New Year. And I'm sitting here by myself, of course. Lately, I've somewhat lost my appetite because of stress or whatever, and I've been eating a lot of pickles. And I have a favorite brand. There, the Bobby's pickles, because they're not pasteurized. So they have the cloudy brine. And today I picked a pickle. And it's a double pickle actually joined, it's one pickle, see, but it's too. And. And I think that's lucky. I think that means that I'm going to have the best year ever. Next year starting in six hours. I'm going to get off my medication. And I'm going to be an example of that. I watched a TED talk by David Asprey. And he's the bulletproof exact guy. And he mentioned that if something can be disproved once, then the assumptions of the model are not fully correct. It's a good model, but it's not always correct. And I feel I won't be the first person to break it. But I'll definitely be talking to myself along the way to see how it goes. Because I am a little bit scared. But maybe if this process of talking to myself about it, and and maybe sharing it one day when when I've accomplished something, maybe that'll help other people to do the same. Because there's a lot of people who do share their story of success, but maybe don't necessarily talk to themselves along the way about it. They share it later on, and it's not as visible. I have no idea. I definitely think the double pickle is good luck. This year has been pretty interesting. I started making videos in late June. So just six months ago, ish. And I definitely feel stronger and weaker at the same time too. I feel like things are coming up for me, but maybe I can handle them. And it makes me feel weaker, because I don't just crumble automatically I ride it out. And it's somewhat painful. But I feel like I really don't want to go back to the psych ward. And maybe that's another reason why I'm able to manage it more because I really don't want to go back. And tomorrow, it will officially be that I haven't been back in eight months, because I was out of the hospital in early May, I think. So I still might need a few days to actually make it officially eight months but and then through this process of talking to myself for the last six months. I feel like I just don't resonate with the paradigm anymore. I resonate with transcending the paradigm. And that's what I experienced in April. And I think that was the lesson that I was supposed to learn was that a lot of people that go in for help in the psych ward are given medication that actually make them worse. And when the meds make somebody worse, like it did for me is just attributed to worsening of mental illness. Yet if the meds seem to make something better, while it must have been the meds that made it better, so it's never the meds that make it worse, but it's the meds that make it better. And I'm wondering if if it does much of anything either way, or if it just mainly makes it worse. And then when it gets better, it seems like the meds made it better. I have no idea. All I know is that I think after having two hospitalizations where I was in and out really easily. With third one showed me that it can just as easily be made a lot worse by the paradigm that's trying to help. And I felt so powerless to try to escape it. And since that happened, I don't want anything to do with that at all. I just have so many other thoughts and ideas about what's really going on. And how we really need to find out what it is the brain is trying to do, or the mind is trying to do. Like Dr. Daniel Siegel says the mind uses the brain to create itself well, the mind is using the brain and turning brains into bipolar brains to create itself too. But it's not working. It's not being able to create itself, it's not being able to create this heaven on earth. And we experienced that heaven on earth temporarily in mania. And then we come back to this reality. And nobody's trying to level up to that reality that people experience in mania. They're just calling the whole thing. pathological when really, the tail end of the bipolar process that gets pathologized is just the hangover from coming back from heaven. And then I feel like people that have gone there, we need to actually help people level up to that level, because so many people are experiencing anxiety and depression. And this is a reality we've created where that is a normal occurrence. But that's not really supposed to be how life is. And I feel that's the way life is because we've been caught in habit. And then we're adapted to everything around us, we don't even notice it, because we're caught in our own brains. Or we're caught in our own mind stuff or on thought forms. And we're not actually learning and exploring reality, but we have been trained out of doing that. And then when we get restored to learning, again, through the bipolar process. I feel too, like at some point, we eventually learn too much about reality and how it's been designed. And then we get tripped up by that. Because we're not able to design a new one. In one process. We need more than just one of us working together at the same time to get that wave of life felt by everyone. And in an earlier video today, I asked why would the lithium or whatever it was on my hands come out in my hands. I think it's because that's one of the places where the skin is replaced fast as it sheds. One of the fastest areas in the body that the skin sheds is on the hands. Plus, the brain has a lot of neurons devoted to the hands. And so if it wanted to shoot lithium out of the brain, definitely send it down the nerves to the hands because there's so much for that represented in the brain. So there's a lot of neural pathways plus a lot of skin shedding from the hands and it didn't take long, maybe half an hour or so before all the white was gone. And I said I'll probably take a break from taking the EMP but I don't think I will. I think I'll take it again and see what happens. I'm curious to see if my hands turn white again. And I started to make an account on micronutrient support calm but is 35 bucks a month American and I will pay that I just think I'll wait a few days before I set it up. And this question that I asked what would a manic do is sort of stuck in my head a little bit. I feel like a manic person is celebrating life is one with life and is a celebration of life with life. But in terms of what would a manic do a manic would definitely eat this double pickle even though I feel kind of pickled out for the day. And also, I remembered I have one session I have colon hydrotherapy. And I was thinking about how it would be funny if I could ask my colon hydrotherapist. If I could record this session, and I was thinking, it'd be funny to say, this is my colon, and actually therapists who I've shot on how on many occasions, because I bought a six pack of poop cleaning sessions, and I still have one left that I was saving for a rainy day. And since I've been eating a lot less lately, I'm thinking that the chances that I'll actually poop on her are less, because I have less poop in my system, I would think. And generally, people don't poop on their colon hydrotherapist is just one of my specialties. And, and today, and yesterday, I actually felt a little bit giggly and giddy. I really feel like I have felt less so called anxiety today. And I've taken the EMP three days in a row. And today, and yesterday, I've just felt a little bit giggly. Like I was watching something, somebody that was with me when I was in really bad psychosis one time recorded me and I was watching the video. And, and there was one part where I was like, I'm just going to go wash him in this bag, because I was too afraid to go to the bathroom because I was afraid. If I went in there in my life or something, I ended up not going in the bag, I went in the washroom. But I just it just seems so funny. Because I remember actually, how much inner agony I was in complete agony. But just watching the video, in retrospect is funny. The stuff that I said. So I've just been finding things kind of funny. And I don't know if that's because I'm on an upswing, or because of the EMP. But it's good to talk to myself daily and just sort of figure out what's what. And I was thinking about how the worlds sort of manifest from our inner from how we're feeling inside, and that comes outside, or how the inside is the outside feels too. And I was thinking about escape velocity, I was thinking about how this whole world we have is sort of the structure of thought and everything that we collectively believe together. And in mania, we often think a lot faster. And we think new thoughts. It almost feels like there's this jump in orbitals of processing. Like we're in this sort of mundane circular loop of our own regular thinking. And also, we escaped that through faster thinking it's like, we need this faster process to actually override the regular thinking process, because that's almost a certain mental speed that we're used to. And that's our habit. But then when we're actually learning, it's faster, because we have to process a lot more information from the outside and the inside. And the outside by perceiving it. It's feeding us different thoughts. And I think that goes with the clear mind screen. And I read through some of this book, save your brain, by Dr. Michael Colgan. And the last chapter is quiet mind. And he talks about how it's important to have a quiet mind because these emotions of fear and anger actually damaged the brain. And he goes into how that works. And he talks a bit in this book about how nitric oxide damages the brain. And I don't know that much about nitric oxide, but it's definitely something to do with relaxation. And there are some places in the body that it's important. But ever since I heard that talk from Dr. mercola. With that doctor, I forget his name, about how the heart isn't really a pump. It can't really pump the blood. There's some other thing going on, and how it's really important for the charge of the blood vessels to be negative through sunlight contact with the earth and human touch. And these are all things that we're actually starved of right now. And so I was Thinking about how it could be possible that the circulation in the brain isn't happening as well as it should in terms of the good pillories. And so, nitric oxide and some of these other things he talks about in this book, and somebody else was talking about something in another talk I was listening to, I think it might actually be I don't know enough about it, but I'm just guessing that some of it might actually be a desperate attempt to get the oxygen to that part of the brain, or to facilitate that, you know, in some way, because it's not happening naturally. And I feel like, part of the reason why areas of our brains aren't working properly in terms of Alzheimer's and dementia, and Parkinson's is that our brains aren't getting the proper blood supply, because we're not connected to the earth. And I was watching a talk by some other guy, but it was a TED talk at UC Berkeley. And he was talking about neuroplasticity, because I've been looking at that a little bit. And, and he was talking about, and he was talking about how there's new treatment for depression, for some people who don't respond to the medications, and they're using magnets on their brains to stimulate neuroplasticity. And if we think about it, the earth has a magnet to and we're not connected to that magnet. So I actually think that so much of this stuff could actually be nature Deficit Disorder. And and I've talked about in other videos, how does nature exist if we're not looking? Or do we exist if we're not looking at nature, because imagine if a lot of it has to do with lack of electrons from, from having electromagnetic fields from from electronics and things and not actually being in touch with the natural magnetism of the earth, the electrons that we get through our skin by actually putting contact on the earth. And I actually even came across in this magazine called the new a Gora, I think that's where the article was talking about something that I've suspected. And it was talking about how we actually get energy from the sunlight through our skin, as an actual energy that we can use. It actually feeds us. So they were saying that we're not just I can't remember the terminology, but it's something to do with the mitochondria. But we also have a bit of not photosynthesis, because we don't have chlorophyll. But we have some kind of photo heterotrophic process or camera or what it was, but we actually, if we get energy from the sun that way. And it could actually be partly, not necessarily that we're getting food energy that way. But if we're getting electrons, and they're charging our blood vessels, and then our blood vessels have more and more charge, so the oxygen can get every single part of our body that needs it. Because one thing I was watching this other TED talk, and David Asprey was talking about how our human brain is the last to get fed. First, it's our reptilian brain, then our sort of distracted brain like, like a dog or something, and our body and our machinery, and then our human brain gets fed. And I was thinking about how even in terms of the oxygen supply, these higher processes wouldn't be fed. First, they'd be fed last. And I actually think that some of this higher processing is what happens to a person when they go into mania. It's a high energy state and energy has a lot to do with electrons and electricity. And that could have something to do with the oxygen flow. And it would make a lot of sense in what I've experienced how in that state, I'm a lot stronger, and I have a lot more energy, I can think a lot faster. I can process a lot faster. And this might actually be some of our natural human capability. So I actually, I think there's a lot to this whole earth magnetism thing being out in nature. And it's not just about charging our bodies nature. But when we're in nature, we're part of nature. And we're, we're observing nature, and we're acknowledging nature. Nature might need us to acknowledge it as well. Just to be with nature. And this book, save your brain talks about talks about flee the city, talks about how important it is to not live in the city where it's super polluted. And that's another thing is that there's not that much oxygen in the air, not as much as we actually need it to be to actually get enough oxygen in our bodies. So we're kind of oxygen starved. And if we're oxygen starved, plus our blood vessels aren't charged properly through contact with the earth and other humans, and, and less toxins and everything makes sense that some of the areas of our brain are going to die and break down. And it talks in this book about Parkinson's and, and it talks about dopamine, and how there's this particular part of the brain called the substantia nigra. And I think it's talking about some of these like blood vessels here. And how that's what gets damaged. And it has to do with dopamine as well. And I'm thinking too, it's in a way evolutionary, if I think about what David Asprey said how the human brain is sort of the last part to get fed, the actual part that makes us uniquely human. It makes sense, because that was the last part to develop in terms of evolution, in that we're sort of the top of the food chain of the species. So it's the last to get bed, it was the last to be graded, it's the last to get fed. Well, in terms of dopamine, a lot of our dopamine circuitry is around reward and, and punishment and things and, and pleasure seeking. And that sort of, in a way, it's this extra bit that we have that is nice. But if anything was going to shrink first, in terms of things to disappear in a human being it would be that because it's not really necessary. And then we ended up if we develop dementia, or some kind of really bad Parkinson's, we go back to just being consumers of food and, and poopers and, and needing to be taken care of again. So we're not really able to self actualize. Or it could be that we're self actualizing separately, that this part of the brain is being destroyed. And it talks about how Ginger's anti inflammatory tumeric true cinnamon. And it talks about drinking a cup of coffee a day is good for you. It even talks about taking aspirin is good for you. But I was actually thinking that that's a blood thinner and an anti inflammatory. But basically, you don't necessarily need to thin your blood if the blood can get pumped through the system easily through the proper action of having enough negative charge in the blood vessels. And I think actually, that could have something to do with with mania is just this extra charge that comes from the universe. And it's its energy and it's like how do we have so much energy without eating? Why is it that we don't even need to sleep it's because we have all this extra oxygen going through our system because we have this extra charge. So I think there's a lot of clues in what I've been looking into recently. And it's interesting because where I'll be going is is outside of the city and and should be lots of nature things so it'll be in alignment with the stuff that I'm reading about. Actually, I'm a little bit concerned about when I come back I need to still be in a quiet area away from all this pollution. I wonder too, if Because a person in mania is in this really high metabolic state, at least in terms of consuming oxygen, one would need a lot of nutrients. Or it could be that the body is sort of using up a lot of its nutrients and then it runs out of nutrients. But another thing could be that if one is in the presence of so much toxins in the environment, in the air, and if one of the main things is that one is really utilizing a lot of oxygen, if one is in a place where there's not that much air, it could be not as good for the body. So yeah, earthing sunlight and human touchSo I think this will be my last video of 2016 2016 included one psych wards day, whereas 2015 had to. But the number of days are pretty much the same. Because I was in there a lot longer this year because I was made worse by the medication. And I was lucky to escape. One other thing this book, save your brain by Dr. Michael Cogan, said was that we're made up of light and gas, mostly light, and gas. And I just want to remember that he said something that is interesting, especially because I talk about the adjacent light body, we can almost have a body that is just light, and then sort of a material body as well. And they overlap. I don't know. Another thing that guy at the UC Berkeley, TED talk on neuroplasticity said was that he was talking about biofeedback at the right time. So stimulating people to have a craving for something, and then them practicing, bringing themselves out of that craving. And I just thought of, that could be useful for me to think about, in terms of, if I do get into a state where I'm kind of scared to almost bring myself back and think of it as biofeedback. Think of it as consciously bringing myself back because my consciousness wandered somewhere else, while I can still consciously bring myself back. And we don't generally think of that we think that just like a person who has an addiction might have a craving for something, and then they, they go and have it and they can't stop themselves. Well, he was doing some research where they're doing biofeedback to get the person to practice, not going for that craving, actually bringing themselves back. And I feel like there could be some application for that, in my own practice of, if my consciousness goes off somewhere like it. Almost like my consciousness is addicted to wandering off into terror, or addicted to wandering off somewhere else. I can think of it as I can bring myself back, instead of thinking that I'm completely a victim to that. There is some element of me who that can bring it back. And I don't know if that's true. But I just thought of that when he said that, because I like to relate things to my own experience, no matter what it is. He talked about something called sensory substitution. And I actually think that that's something that's going on in bipolar is that there's certain areas of the brain that are, are sort of atrophying and being substituted for something else that we can't yet really recognize what that is, what that function is. And there's no real place for that in society. And I think that that's partly what's happening is certain areas are shutting down. And other areas are amping up, since we're so attached to those areas that that shut down and diminish. We think that it's some kind of problem when I actually see it as a solution. And he also said, use What does work to get the results you want. So if there's certain parts of my brain that aren't working as well, well, I can use the parts that are working well and some of them might even be working better. And the Dave Asprey TED Talk, he talked about how he's a human performance consultant, and I was like thinking to myself, I want to be a bipolar performance consultant. Maybe if I can master it. Then I can be and he talked about something interesting about how reflexes are interesting because it shows us that we don't have control over a body. So if we touch a hot stove, our arm pulls away before we even realized what happened, that it was a hot stove. And I actually I might have talked about this before how bipolar is almost like a reflex. It's so sensitive, and it's sensing other things. And it reflexively pulls away from certain things or attacks certain things or gets mad at certain things. It's, it's more of an automatic, there's not so much prefrontal cortex, planning and scheming going on, it's very much more an emotional state. And it's sort of like a reflex, because we're not really in control. But how much are we really in control of anything. And the way, so called normal people are in control is getting kind of boring, people are getting bored with it, and they're getting depressed and anxious and everything. And he also talked about how gratitude is the most important bio hack. And I thought that was cool to hear from him, because I know he's done a lot of research. And just to remind myself about gratitude. Sometimes I really feel in the state of gratitude. And I also feel like being in the manic state, gratitude is just automatically there without having to think I'm grateful. It's just being one with everything, and one with gratitude, even, there's no one there to think I'm grateful, because it's just innate, it's just inherent in the state. So being grateful is important, of course, I just feel like a lot of these concepts and abstractions just disappear when one is actually in that state. And it would be great to have it as a stage, not just a state, so actually have the stage of mania. And that's just joy beyond reason. not needing a reason to be joyful. We're all looking for reasons. But imagine, we were just joyful without needing reasons. And mania, part of that reflex in bipolars, is hyper intuition. And part of intuition is the hypofrontality, the de activation of the prefrontal cortex. And I wonder what we would create out of joy for no reason, versus all this planning and preconception that happens right now. I feel like I could develop my own exercises for myself, to actually see if I can get some of these other circuits in my brain to come online, the ones that we're trying to fire up. And another thing about mania is there's no fear. And that's why we test reality. And the voice in our head, a lot of times, it's implicitly fearful. And fears are a waste of energy. So there's definitely a fearlessness in the state, or a love more ness. And I don't think we learn how reality actually works because of our fear. So we allow our fear to keep us in this fear of comfort. And so when we lose that fear in mania, we start to test the limits of reality because we don't have any fear. And we do learn a lot. And there are certain limits of reality that are definitely there still. Like in Shawn Blackwell's videos, he talked about how somebody tried to walk through a wall. And they didn't. But because of the fearlessness, we test reality in that way. And even though we can't walk through walls, there could be certain things that we learn that we can do. And those are the things that I feel we need to re harvest and, and reconsider. One of mine, I was able to get people to shift automatically into their life. Body self, a more beautiful flamboyant version of the same person in an instant. Now, I might be able to go out there and see if I can make that happen. And I also feel like people who haven't been diagnosed bipolar don't learn about bipolar because of fear. And then what they do learn about it is just mostly fearful stuff for work don't stigmatize people like just sort of talking stuff. And then a lot of people with bipolar don't actually learn about themselves and their own capabilities because of fear, because they're taught to fear themselves. So after all of this happening of bipolar, or map consciousness, or manic consciousness, it's never again, really tested. It's it's feared. And fearing bipolar is just like fearing learning. It's fearing the capabilities of the brain. It's fearing our own gifts and our own greatness. I wrote down gesture yourself to joy and get people to notice that they're alive. Most people are stuck in their head. So whenever I can sort of Oh, my God, oh. And I think actually, maybe something that charges the blood vessels to is looking in each other's eyes. Because if the sunlight can do that, soak in the light from another person's eyes. And that could actually be part of the placebo. Generally, if somebody is receiving some kind of placebo study, they're going to make eye contact with somebody. And they're going to be in contact with that person's energy as well. Maybe even shake hands. And all these things are charging up the being of somebody. Last night, before I went to bed, I was writing a few things down. And I wrote that whatever you notice, here, one with you're related to, and that there's an importance in noticing nature and having relationship with it. Versus always being related to thought forms, energy going into thought forms. Because those thought forms aren't life. And then I wrote, you are the one life You are the relationship. You are the unconditional love. You are the unconditional love that looks from these eyes. And I remember last night, when I wrote that I, I got a little bit freaked out. Because sometimes before in the past when I've written some sort of higher insight, whatever that means. Sometimes I get this fear response. Because sometimes I get to the point where I feel like I know the rest of the story. And then I feel sort of alone. And I got that sensation a little bit. Or I felt like that was gonna happen soon. Because it's one thing to sort of talk about the brain and context and make up words and things. But then sometimes I start typing up stuff that is just very blatant. Like you are the unconditional love looking from his eyes or something. Like, okay. Because the thing of it is, is that that one life, that one life energy, that is all of life, there's no separate life. That's unconditional love because it allows everything to exist, and it loves it unconditionally, no matter what. We might judge things as human But there's unconditional love underneath all of it. And it also resonated in terms of how I was talking about people in distress needing to be received with unconditional love. And me thinking, well, if I'm in distress, I need to be received with unconditional love. But when I wrote that thing about being unconditional love myself, and everything is and all is that no matter what, even if it appears not to be unconditional love, there's still the light of unconditional love looking on to everything all the time. And even behind each human beings eyes, even if they are judging, there is unconditional love of their judging eyes. And of that, which they think that they're judging. So it was just all so that realization was just like, oh, whoa, my eyes have that unconditional love. And, and that's kind of what I'm looking for. But can I unconditionally love all of my distress that I've had so far, and sort of look back and heal it without needing somebody else to do that. And I'm not sure if that's true. Because I've had experiences in my life that have been bad, but at the same time, I feel that they've helped me to be pretty unconditionally loving. Not 100%, but and I even wrote down. This is the first time I didn't scare myself when I told myself that. Because it's pretty high level of consciousness to feel unconditional love. And at times in the past, I feel like I've gotten to a higher level of consciousness and then that's when I actually go back down to the bottom. And I think that's what might be a little bit of the scary part is that when I have the sense of being in this level, like getting up to getting back up to a higher level, it's kind of part of the whole bipolar process to go down to the bottom again. So being at a good level of consciousness doesn't necessarily feel safe. Get realizing that and not freaking out. Because when I wrote that I felt the silence I felt it so deeply and it felt like okay, well now it's time to go to bed and and I think it's important to not have eyes clouded by thought forms because thought forms are oftentimes judgmentsSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

SUMMARY KEYWORDSbook, talks, learning, interpersonal neurobiology, language, consciousness, thought, psychosis, happening, stories, memory, limited, mind, lithium, electric shock, body, coming, universe, lithium carbonateSo I'm making this video and I haven't even finished doing my hair for the day, because I was drying my hair. And then I took a break to empty the dishwasher. And then I felt my hands tingling. And I thought, well, that's kind of weird. But what was interesting too was last night as I was falling asleep, ice, all of a sudden had this electric shock, go through my, my left eye. And then I was like, No, whatever, no went to sleep. And so today is day three of taking the EMP. So I was emptying the dishwasher. And then I look at my hands. And there's all this like white stuff on it. And it looks kind of like paint. And I'm thinking to myself, what did I touch, I don't think I touched anything that would have put this white stuff on my hands. And then I tried to wash it off, or even scrape it off, and it wouldn't even come off. So I'm like this stuff doesn't even come off. And then my brain started going in the direction of for universe stuff. Because I was looking all over, I was looking at all the different things that I had touched within the last five minutes. And I was trying to see if there was any kind of group or of any kind on them and nothing. So I'm walking around thinking, Okay, universe, what is going on? Because I have had an experience before. I don't know if I mentioned it that I went to the hospital, and then they wouldn't admit me. And when I got back, there was blood all over a red pepper that I had. And I was like, How the hell did that get there. And I still haven't figured that one out. But it was pretty freaky, because I even tasted it because I was like, that can't be blood. Like there's no way that can be blood. And whatever it was, it tasted like blood. And I ended up in the psych ward two days later. And when they were talking to me in one of the rooms, they gave me some water and that tasted like blood. So it could have just been that everything was tasting like blood. It was one of those synesthesia things going on. Just to freak me out further, of course. And it could even be that in that state of terror, that feels like death and things tastes like blood, because that's just the level of consciousness. But anyways, I haven't figured that one out for real, and I don't think I ever will. And I think it was also the universe telling me, well, you'll never figure out the universe, how are you going to do that? Like I can, I can do anything. And it really can. So my hands, I don't know if you can see, but I can't really see those white on my on there. And then my fingers. And that's all my pinkie. Basically, everywhere on my fingertips especially and on my palm. And then this hand is like this on my palm like that. And then my finger that, that? Oh, and it's on the back of my thumb on this hand. Because I was how I noticed that maybe it was not something I touched was, I noticed that the back of my thumb was tingling. And then I looked at the back of my thumb, right where it was tingling. And that's where this white paint looking stuff is. And so I'm thinking myself, maybe I should actually contact the truehope people and have a support account, because I was just going to take one a day. But it seems that this stuff, this truehope stuff is really powerful. And they talk about how when your body gets the right nutrition, it starts to make the drugs be overmedicating because it doesn't really need that anymore, because it's using the nutrition. So it's getting the right nutrition. And then now all these drugs are like poisonous, and the body's sensing it as poisonous. And I've heard them say that before numerous times, because I've heard them speak numerous times over the years. And then this happens and I'm just thinking this is weird because I took one this morning and I had something to eat with it. And yeah, I had that electric shock thing last night and I had this tingling hands with white stuff all over this could be maybe lithium coming out of my nervous system out of my nerves through my fingers and I haven't checked the rest of my body and I don't think there's anything there. I haven't felt any tingling anywhere else. And then I googled lithium and white hands and all that came up was pictures of vacuum cleaners for some reason. So I think it might be more of a true hope interaction. And I didn't really think anything would happen with just one capsule because a dose is technically four capsules a day and I was just going to take it as a little bit of maintenance and I thought it might help a little bit with anxiety since I've not taking any kind of multi mineral of any kind. So it makes me feel like just going off medication and just totally just going with the true hope and just going with it it doesn't make me afraid it makes me hopeful actually to take one capsule and start to feel overmedicated basically is is kind of cool. I was just really weird. Like, it's it just really looks like I was painting like finger painting with with a five year old or something. Yeah, it's even on the tip of this finger is it's really strange. And it's interesting how it came about with tingling, like quite sharp, tingling in those spots on my hand where it was happening. So it's an indication it's doing something I feel like it could be pushing out lithium like this could be lithium stored up, because I know that lithium carbonate isn't really easily processed by the body or easily absorbed. That's why it's such a high dose. And I was going to switch to lithium orotate. But maybe that would be something to do after getting off the lithium carbonate. So it seems like there's a lot of it's stored in the body. And I'm looking at my hands and they're kind of sparkly and glistening to like water's coming out with my palms are are sweating a little bit. It's kind of fascinating. So yeah, day three of true hope just taking one capsule. Maybe something like lithium coming out on my skin, and it doesn't wash off. So hopefully it eventually comes off. So I might take a break from it tomorrow. not take it but we'll see how I feel today in terms of of anxiety, because if that's better, then maybe it would be worth continuing to take even though it's going to give me some kind of neurological tingling and, and shocks and things like that. But I'm thinking I should get an account with them. Raise your costs a monthly fee of something might actually be good to have that extra support even if I'm just taking one a day. And I have that extra person that I can call if something happens could be assigned to just really get with this coming off meds thing. I feel hopeful that it will help went from being like why did the universe put paint on my hands? What is it trying to do to this is probably just lithium coming out of my system. I've been on it for five and a half years which isn't even that long compared to how long Most people end up on it, people usually end up on it until they get a blood test back that say their kidneys are no longer able to cope with it. And I'd rather be off of it before that happens instead of wait until that happens. Because once my kidneys have gotten to that point that must have that must right there actually reduce the number of years one has left because one's kidneys still have to work for everything else that the body is bombarded with. So it's not a matter of if it damages the kidneys, it's a matter of when. So I think maybe in a couple of days, I'll call them and ask because I know there's one support line where you order the product through them, and then they support you automatically. And then there's another support line where you just buy the product at the store, and then you pay for the support. So I don't know which one is better. And there might be a slight variation in the product. Or at least there used to be in terms of the formulation. But I feel kind of hopeful. I feel, I feel kind of excited. Because to me, it feels like my body is rejecting the lithium because maybe it doesn't need it. Feeling the prickly feeling again right here. Wonder why would come up with a hand. It doesn't come off. I really want to be able to have faith in this process because I've had different naturopaths tell me take this or take that some say true hope stuff is good. Someone say it's too broad. It's it's like this one size fits all yet. It doesn't fit all because there's different bio types of bipolar. There's pyrole disorder, there's over methylation, there's under methylation, there's something about copper blahdy blah. And it would be nice if just this would work for me, because maybe I could just take this and I wouldn't have to be all complicated with my supplementation. Something that seems I was right about was that owning a bad day is definitely the number one predictor of happiness. Because I use mine this morning and I was smiling. And I think the universe and Gaia was smiling too because now I won't have to use toilet paper and I love things that are eco friendly where possible.Packing up my books in boxes so I can use the shelves for other things from my place. And I just thought I would make a video for myself of some of my favorite books. So if while I'm away, I want to remember what I was reading, then I can just look at the video because I'm finding it easiest just to translate things into video. Otherwise, I don't really know what the heck I was doing. It will be written in some documents somewhere and I won't really know what I was trying to do. The first book that I think I only read half of is the divided self by rd Lang. Like I was reading this on the way to Aslan. And of course, I highlighted a lot of it. And they also have trials of the visionary mind by john were Perry, something I should finish reading when I get back to reading. This is an awesome book, I've read it more than once thought as a system by David Bohm, and it's a dialogue with other people. And it really breaks it down. This would be worth another read. And Dr. Stan Graf holotropic mind rethinking madness by Paris Williams. I think I read this whole book minus a few pages that were really wordy. The natural medicine guide to bipolar disorder, I read this and there was some helpful hints in it. I think this is the book that made me make the decision to inject b 12, which I later found out wasn't good for my specific metabolism. So always have to take every single thing with a grain of salt, and book spiritual emergency by Stan and Christina Graf. I think I read most of this book. And of course, spiritual emergency is another term for psychosis, not 100% of the same but very similar. The stormy search for the self, by Christina and Stan Graf. I read this book a number of years ago, drive yourself sane. And it talks about it talks about General Semantics, which is avoiding the verb to be saying I am and also paying more attention to the time binding aspect of language. So saying something like I'm depressed today versus I suffer from depression. So making things more clear about the time limited nature of things and how that can be important in driving ourselves saying, I think I read this before my crisis. So I don't think it worked. But I still managed to drive myself insane. And another book on language hidden language codes. I read this quite a few years ago. And I think it's pretty good book. Again, on the power of language to influence how we think and feel. And his book choices in recovery. Craig Wagner sent me a free copy because I'm in financial hardship. Especially when I did get this book, I didn't have a job at all. Then I got a job after. He has a lot of good stuff in here. And I think I read about half of this book psychiatry disrupted. I read this book, recovering sanity by Edward potful. It says a compassionate approach to understanding and treating psychosis. And this was the book where I, I think I talked about this book, I talked about how somewhere in the book that guy says, I don't care what happens in your spiritual experience. I care what you do with it afterwards. And I've been talking a lot about contacts. But really, I would like to put that into practice in daily life, otherwise, it doesn't really matter. And I have had periods where I was putting in practice and daily life and I'm hoping to get back to that can wilbers spectrum love consciousness. I read most of this quite a few years ago. I have no idea. And Dr. David Hawkins, he has quite a few books. He's no longer with us, but he has healing and recovery. The best one is power versus force. I would say, I used to have that when I lent it to someone, and I didn't get it back. I found some sections of the book helpful after my last visit to the psych ward, especially this page, page 296. talks about unconditional love. Maybe I should read this page. And I have the way of the human volume three. I think I have Volume One, somewhere. There it is. I don't know if I read this one yet. But Volume One definitely made a big mess out of. And I read some of this book, Carl Jung and it's called the earth has a soul. And it was put together by somebody else. But and this book, when the impossible happens by Stan Graf. I've read little bits of it, but not a lot. For some reason. I just I have trouble reading stories about people. And it's all about different stories of people and non ordinary realities, which should be really interesting to me, but just hasn't gotten a read yet. This books really good. JOHN C. Lilly reprogramming the human bio computer. He talks about LSD, but I just relate it to non ordinary states in general, to my favorite books of the last year or two, the pocket book guide to interpersonal neurobiology by Daniel Siegel. And this book is not really a pocket book. This is not going to fit in my pocket. But it definitely is a great book. It's quite it's definitely beyond just your casual read, you actually need to put some brainpower into reading it to get what he's saying. And he's the one that I learned the term EQ for IQ sensation from and it says EQ works sensation of feeling that a recalled memory is accurate, whether or not it is at work sensations give the signal that something is coming from the past. So the lack of a cork sensation is the unawareness that something's coming from the past. And then it can be scary because it's just a feeling of scariness. And if there was a scary thought and then there was a feeling of scariness Well, that would kind of make sense. Whereas if there's no clue about where the scary feeling is coming from, it could be from a memory but we're not recalling that it's there. So then it gets confusing. And I feel that's what has happened to me. And by knowing about this whole EQ fork sensation process, it has helped me to be aware when there are certain feelings there about while is there some kind of memory that's associated with it. And if not just allowing it to be a feeling and not being afraid, knowing it's a feeling happening now. And I don't know why it's happening. It could be something that might spiral me into a psychosis in the past, but I think just being aware of that helps to allow that to pass without adding stories to it. Because if I don't know, it's from the past, but I'm not really knowing what from that I'm going to start to make up reasons why I should be that afraid. Where whereas if I'm just feeling that feeling and I know what's coming from the past I don't really know what is lacking at fork sensation, but I'm not going to super impose thoughts and images around it, which would then be classified as hallucination and delusion because they're not happening now. So if I'm super terrified is probably from something in the past. But if I think I'm terrified because somebody is coming to get me right now, well, then that is going to add an extra layer of fear to it, and it's going to make it worse. So I just stay with the actual feeling sensation, knowing it's coming from the past. I don't know what though. So I think he really helped me with that. And Only time will tell if I'm able to stay out of the psych ward. Because, as of tomorrow, I'll pretty much be out the longest since I started having three relapses within the last less than two years. It was really three relapses, so called relapses within 14 months. But it'll be over eight months since I've been in the psych ward, I think. Yes. And that will be the longest. So each day now, after starting tomorrow is like the bonus day of not going back. And that's really one of my goals is to not go back. And the other is to get off medication. So yeah, if you want to learn about interpersonal neurobiology, and I think another very important part in there that he talks about is the relational mind, which I know I did talk about in videos, to myself in order to learn the concepts myself. That's the other thing that helps us. By talking about everything that I've learned that's been helpful, I'm sort of reinforcing it in my brain by talking to myself about it. And his other book I have is mindsight. He has another book out, he just put another book out, but I'm waiting to get it because he had a contest. And maybe I might win it. And I probably will buy it in Kindle format. Because I have a Kindle app on my phone. I don't buy as many books now because I haven't been reading but usually when I do, I buy it in Kindle now. I like the actual book. But I also like having it on my phone. So I can read it anytime, anywhere. If I have to wait somewhere or before if I would take transit. So mindsight this was this was this was super helpful for me too, in terms of learning about trauma, memory and, and the brain. I really think I'm not I haven't really thought about this before. But I'm thinking now just because I've been able to get through some stuff that just sort of knowing how my brain works or knowing how the mind works. Knowing about this memory stuff and EQ fork sensation and all the other concepts he talks about, actually helps me to, to understand and then it's not so scary. I don't get afraid of my own brain. We'll see if, if that's helpful over time. And I just turned to this page in the book, The Silent pulse by George Leonard, I really enjoyed this book. Often I get books on sale if I buy the paper copy. And he's talking about how a hologram contains all the information in the universe in a single point. And he says on page 82, each of us has a whole load of the universe. And though all the information of the universe is ultimately available in each of us, the amount of it we can encode and express a tiny amount indeed, is limited by our particular history, culture, language and nervous system. So everything is within us. And I feel like part of map consciousness actually releases some more that information for us to know, in sort of bite sized chunks. And it's still a scary process. It's it's more information than we're used to. And we're wondering where the heck it came from? Well, this book and many other books say every bit of information isn't every single point in the universe. So it makes sense that we can access other stuff. The real question might be, why aren't we accessing more, and it's limited by our language. And I think math consciousness is trying to teach us new language, it's trying to push our boundaries. And that's why it's a scary process. It's scary. So we don't get completely taken over by it, we don't go too far into it. Otherwise, we'd probably lose our material existence, and some people do. So it's enough to draw us back into into the common culture of the time, but we bring other information and we're just not sure how to communicate that. And this is a good book, nutrition and mental illness by Carl Pfeiffer. He talks about the biotypes of mental illness. And I bought this book emergence labeled autistic by Temple Grandin. And I haven't really got too far into it, it seems to be mainly her story. I thought maybe it was other information as well. So I haven't gotten totally into it. Because I did see the movie, of course, it's amazing. And I have the book, gut and psychological syndrome, about the gaps diet, which helps people with mental health stuff. I also have the book trans people live, I haven't really got into this book yet. I really wish there was just spare time to press pause on reality and just read. But I told myself that I want to focus more on embodying mania and actually being out there in the world. And the only reason I'm not right now at this very moment is because I need to pack up my stuff, and then get ready to actually go. And I'm hoping in that process of going, then that's when that happens. And I don't know if I will turn back to the books or not. Because I feel like I can read reality now. And might be part of my journey to explore the principles that I learned in manic consciousness in life, in order to bring that reality more into existence. And that's not going to happen by reading more books about it. And I have this book, the brain book by Peter Russell. And I didn't really read it. I got kind of a bunk copy off Amazon. And I just turned to a page though, it's interesting, because I just flipped right there. And it's about the glial cells, which I talked about yesterday, because I watched a bit of a talk on it. And he says, on page 41, unlike neurons themselves, the glia can divide and reproduce. This is important not only for maintaining the population of glia. But because where they divide, there's an opportunity for an axon to push through and make connections to other cells. Thus, the dividing of glia cells may be a part of the learning process. And I might have said that yesterday, I can't remember. But I was just thinking that since they can divide and stuff that they could have something to do with the learning process and, and shutting off some of the neurons might actually be important in learning because the neurons are talking about what it what they believe to be true and nothing else can really arise in consciousness. I just noticed that signed, cool. And I got this book kinship with all of life because I think in here somewhere there's a story about somebody being friends with a fly. And I wanted to read that because of my experience with the flies and how they weren't afraid of me. I didn't quite finish the book yet though. So those are some of my favorite books. I think. I did a rough count and I probably have around 200 books. I can't remember if it was 200 or 300 I think 200Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

SUMMARY KEYWORDSconsciousness, manic, talk, create, part, brain, embodied, universe, ego, feel, bipolar, state, oneness, prefrontal cortex, mania, living, deficits, entropy, thought, problemI feel it's maybe important that since in the state of mania, one feels like everything is one, that it would be important to design a society that keeps that in mind or in heart. Because I think it fizzles out because eventually that energy where everyone and everything is one wears off, because it's not actually reflected that way. In reality in the material world, one can go into that state in consciousness and feel that in consciousness, and if one was there long enough, one might be able to create that. And I think it can be created to some extent in, in daily life. Because again, all this talk about manic consciousness and embodied mania and harvesting mania isn't about being in that state of consciousness. It's about embodying those types of behaviors and, and joyousness. It's one thing to be propelled into those sorts of behaviors and joyousness, because that type of chemical is made endogenously, for whatever reason. Or however it works. It could work in a multitude of ways. What I'm trying to say is by embodying that in regular consciousness, it will be practiced in the neurology and the physiology in a daily life way in the sort of daily life embodied way. And I think it's something even, quote unquote, normal people can do is that one day, normal people will be looking to that state and how people are in that state in order to figure out how to be in life. Because it can be created internally, and one can act that way. Or one can act that way. And it'll be created internally. So a lot of times the universe will do the internal creation for us in order to give us that kind of clue. could think of it as a game. And then it's a matter of having that state of oneness inform one's life instead of going back to the state of thinking in order to inform one's life. And I'm going to try and put this somewhat to the test myself. And in that Ted Talk with that woman, she said, her father said, if there's a problem, and no solution, then you've got to create this solution. And you also have to figure out exactly what the problem is. And the trouble partly is that, I guess I don't really know what the problem is. Part of the problem could be that reality is just too dealt. And so the universe comes in and tries to make it more interesting. Even if one is in the exact same place, they always are all sudden, so interesting. Well, that's a cool game. A lot of us feel like life is meaningless. And then the universe comes in and shows us. Wow, there's meaning everywhere. And perhaps that's part of the thing is that it's a matter of adopting the attitude that the universe would have us have, no matter what. be joyous and loving and spontaneous and curious and playful. That might have been why I was thriving when I was working in that medical clinic because I was just that and not trying to do anything in particular sort of being as the universe would want me to be. And that does everything. So I guess in a way that's back to the whole idea of being versus doing I think that's part of it is that mania is a state of being. And then everything just happens. miraculous miraculously, part of the self dial of two must be creating neuroplastic changes in my brain over self dialog, sort of creating those channels where I can talk to myself really easily. And maybe one day, I'll be able to talk with other people. And I think that if there is information coming out of my body and out of my nervous system, due to changes in entropy, or changes in consciousness are however it works. By talking to myself in this way, I'm actually maybe creating more neural networks for that energy to go, creating more channels for the energy to go. And even by talking myself on that entropy, the words, the information, the dialogue is going from my nervous system into technology, and sort of putting my electrons out there. I actually feel like manic consciousness, damages areas of the brain that are over emphasize, we don't need them as much anymore. And it shows that we can exist. without all of that we can exist, not living in abstraction, we're all living in the abstractions of our minds, we're not actually living in reality. And manic consciousness comes in and shuts down those abstractions. And we're living in actuality and reality. And we're, we're in awe, and we're amazed. And so those areas shut down and other areas are trying to activate. And then we're thought to have defective brains, or like the prefrontal cortex has been damaged and is shrinking. While we're supposed to have a different part of the brain growing to compensate, but it can't grow. When our ego is glued back together with, with chemicals, trying to create the circuits of oneness that's trying to create more relational circuits. And it could actually, because we have less and less relationship in the world, and more interfacing with technology, just like I am right now. And somebody else in a TED talk said the brain changes depending on what happened to it. And that's what neuroplasticity is, well imagine manic consciousness happening to a brain while it's going to change for sure. I think the brain turns into an altruistic brain. And again, then it's just turned into a personal medical problem, and the person doesn't actually have a chance to engage those aspects of the brain that were coming online. And I think bipolar is neuroplasticity turned back on, when it turns on everything seems interesting. And I think part of that is always seeing in a new way. taking so many different perspectives, and I think that's part of it is, is we can see possibilities we can see potential, and we can see things that are implicit and we can extrapolate. We can see in so many different ways. We're not just seeing from our limited ego perspective. And part of that power of now level of consciousness that Shawn Blackwell talked about, is taking other people's perspectives or taking other perspectives. So I feel like instead of being an ego, we become a perspective taker. And we empathize and we can see exactly the scenario and situation we are in. And that's one of the reasons why consciousness goes like this is because if we see something sad, we feel sad. We see something happen with IBM, we're going up and down, up and down. And I think that's part of it is Krishna already talks about the brain being infinitely pliable. And I think that's what happens with bipolar is that we really become one with whatever is arising in the moment. And it could maybe get more difficult with time because we're not used to operating in that mode. We're not used to operating As I am what arises in the moment, if there's something painful going on, I'm going to feel that pain. And if there's something joyous going on, I'm going to feel that joy, I'm not going to be blocking whatever it is that I'm in with my mind by thinking and abstracting, and, and judging and labeling. When we label something, we don't actually feel the situation, because we've already pre judged it. We're saying, I know what this is. For one, we're completely vulnerable in bipolar. And map consciousness, we're always making new maps of things. And maybe we're just infinitely mapping and we can't actually make a map in which to reference something. And that could be part of the thing that eventually we get kind of tired. And we're like, well, I want a reference point through which to view life in order to actually be able to separate myself from feeling so much. And I think that's what the ego does. It protects us from actually feeling if if people didn't have egos, this place would be kind of chaotic for a long period of time. I think that could be part of the problems, how to be that vulnerable. I feel vulnerable, because I have some pretty crazy ideas and thoughts about mental health. I could think of it as brain damage induced by the universe. So then we'll figure out how to be an act totally differently to make different circuits come online. Somebody else wants to manifest through us. Otherwise, it would just be easy to just do a couple jumping jacks and then all of a sudden, we're back to ourselves or something. Part of the question is how to create that oneness. And I think gestures are one of the easiest ways because they're pretty universal. And I wrote down the question, What does consciousness want me to do? And then I wrote down share this consciousness. I think manic consciousness is a gift. So the question might be how to embody that. And I think there's a clue in the word manic men. I see. I think everything on Earth. That's what people would want the most. And it's the opposite of the noise of the ego and the prefrontal cortex. And I've talked about how so much in life is about getting that prefrontal cortex to be quiet, whether it's meditation, yoga, deep breathing, extreme sports. Everyone wants that flow. And what is that flow sort of flow of consciousness instead of stream of thoughts? And what is that consciousness? When we are, when we are that consciousness, we are it, then we become what we were looking for this whole time. But we can't see that we are what we're looking for, because we're busy talking about what we're looking for. So it's really messed up. What if each moment is exactly what we're looking for. And imagine consciousness each moment is fulfilling in and of itself. So I feel like we can go from seeing ourselves as having a day effect, to having a gift. Maybe there's defects and things that are shutting down the prefrontal cortex in different areas that are not as needed for a new society. Maybe they're valuable in the way societies designed, but that society is leading people to be depressed and feel like life is meaningless and all these things. And then this change in consciousness happens to us to show us another way of seeing, it's just showing us another way of seeing, we either see through the ego, or we see through this other consciousness, which shows us infinite learning and infinite perspective, taking what we're always learning and never going back into memory. There'll be an ego. The ego is the one that remembers in reference to the ego. But if there's no remembering, maybe there's no ego. I guess another problem might be how to keep consciousness associated to this body. And I think I talked about how looking at myself when I'm editing the video, because I don't look at myself really when I'm talking stuff to look at the dot. But when I'm editing, I see myself that might actually help with dissociation. And it might help with forgetfulness. And again, I think I said, That's why I like these videos is because they're just something in and of themselves, all I have to remember for doing a video is the one notepad typed up thing that I have for my list of thoughts that I want to talk about with myself, and then just setting up the phone, and then just remembering to edit it and then put it on YouTube. And then it's all done. And, and that's the extent of my memory right now, in terms of information processing. I have a lot of old notebooks that I get go over at some point, if I, if I get their thing, there's some weird ideas. But sometimes in the past, I write a lot when I'm in a higher state, and I'm writing things that are positive statements like everything is one. And so I don't know, that might be better for like a journal book thing, I guess, in terms of creating oneness is it would be great if other people might want to be one neuro tribe over having gifts, rather than deficits. And I think some of the deficits some of the suppose a deficit would be overcome by becoming a neuro tribe. Because I think the universe wants us to put our brains together in order to create something. It can't really be created by one brain. And when we're in that state, and we think we can do it ourselves, we can save the world or we're here to whatever we're missing the fact that we, as one human being can't literally physically do everything required in order for things to change. But what is required is that we see things the same way that we think together about things. Because if we see that same thing, we're going to create something can be ruined. Right now, we're being told to see the same thing about having deficits. And and, and most of us have bought into it. So yeah, altruism, joy. It's interesting how in the state of man of consciousness, I don't need these concepts. If I was in that consciousness, like I was the very first time I would just be out there doing whatever. I wouldn't need to really think about it. But I think that's part of the harvest. Practice embody the world as it is right now isn't comfortable with Mannix. But if we can be in regular consciousness and act a bit manic and then pull ourselves back from that consciously. Maybe eventually we'll create a world where it's safe to be that happy for no reason. But just to celebrate being alive. I also put my name down for a talk by David Stefan of EMP truehope products in late January. I'm hoping to ask him more about if I'm able to come off my meds with EMP and if I can get on board with promoting the product if I am able to come off of it off of my meds and I also booked an appointment to see this lady I know who does live blood cell analysis. She has a new method doing hair testing. So I thought I'd book an appointment just to see if she had any other information to tell me about my health. So yeah, lots of exciting changes, continuing to do. conscious self sabotage happiness first manic lifestyle design.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.