Podcasts about seroquel

american california friend tapering injected forcibly seroquel

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 4, 2021 121:39

Sign up to get updates about my book coming out in early 2022 https://bit.ly/3GWd1EHAnd I just got a phone call from my brain twin, and found out that for the last two weeks, he hasn't had his independence. He's in the psych ward. And I don't really know the American system very well, but something about a 15 day hold, and then 30 day hold possibly after that. And more even I don't know. So I'm going to go down and visit him next week, and also drop off the electric car that he lent me. And I'm just sort of wondering what can be done to start to create some of these medication free respite centers, because without them, we just get funneled into the mental health system, and he's getting injected with medications. And it's pretty hard to taper off that when one is having people inject things into someone. I had control over my medications, and I was able to taper off of them. But if I was being injected, and someone's driving me there to get my injection and things like that, or I'm in the hospital getting injected, it's pretty hard to make a self directed choice to not be on them. So I really don't know what to do. And maybe I can kind of hope that sharing some of this journey I've been through has shown a little bit that there is a need for those sorts of things because I was able to stay out of the psych ward in January because I had all the wonderful relationships at the clubhouse. And they sort of acted as a one day temporary respite for me to gather myself enough to go and stay with my family and just sort of medicate myself with extra Seroquel without having to go to the hospital and be re traumatized by that. And maybe get a doctor that would drug me up on something that I didn't want. But this way, I was able to just take extra Seroquel for a week or so and then go about my life. And then I managed to get to California because of that. Whereas that crisis happened on something like January 23. clubhouse, respite, medications, system, create, talk, psych, week, drugs, california, relationships, seroquel, support, hospital, center, stay, supportive, dialogue, people, wardSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Episode 77 - Seroquel 2.0

The Addiction Connection

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 23, 2021 20:48

Drs Heather Bell and Kurt DeVine circle back to quetiapine/seroquel in this episode of Seroquel 2.0. How does Seroquel stand up to other antipsychotics and why? And what about people misusing it? To learn more about the doctors as well as keep up with current happenings follow us on twitter: @echocsct and Facebook: @theaddictionconnectionhk

Episode 77 - Seroquel 2.0

The Addiction Connection

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 23, 2021 19:33

Ep. 012 - How to reverse weight gain from antipsychotic medication?

Ask A Psychiatrist

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 12, 2021 30:50

This episode deals with the question of weight gain from antipsychotic medication: I'm on 20 milligrams of olanzapine. It's helping me and I don't want to change it. The only thing is that I've gained a lot of weight that makes me feel very unattractive. I've spoken to my psychiatrist about it, but I haven't gotten any guidance on the matter. Are there any solutions to weight gain from this kind of medicine? Modern antipsychotic medications can be very helpful for some people. And they are less likely to cause neurological side effects, compared to their first-generation predecessors. However, many of these newer medicines can cause someone to gain significant amounts of weight. This is a serious problem that the psychiatric profession (in my view) has been very slow to address. In this episode, Dr. Erik Messamore describes several strategies that can reduce the risk of medication-related weight gain or that can reverse weight gain once it has started. Strategy 1. Choose antipsychotic medications with low weight gain risk Different antipsychotic medications come with different degrees of weight gain risk. Table 1 in this open-access medical journal article lists medications with higher or lower risk of weight gain. The graph in this article also illustrates the differences in weight gain risk among the various antipsychotic medications. Strategy 2. Switch to an antipsychotic medication with lower weight gain risk People who have gained weight from higher-risk medications – like quetiapine (Seroquel) or olanzapine (Zyprexa), for example – may lose weight after switching to a lower-risk medication. On the other hand, some people (like the person who sent in today's question) might mostly like their current medication, or may not want to take the risks involved in medication switching (e.g., the switched-to medication might not work as well, or might have other side effects). In situations like these, there are several weight loss options worth considering. Strategy 3. Diet and exercise to reduce weight from antipsychotic medication Many studies show that antipsychotic-induced weight gain does respond to standard diet or exercise interventions. A relatively small reduction of 150 calories per day can lead to about 16 pounds of weight loss over a year. For many people, that can be achieved by sticking to natural, whole foods and avoiding processed foods with a lot of carbohydrates or added sugars. Exercise and physical activity can enhance weight loss. And numerous studies show that exercise can improve mood, reduce anxiety, increase cognitive performance, and reduce symptoms of psychosis. Very low carbohydrate diets like the ketogenic diet are popular these days. These diets are designed to reduce insulin levels, which can make it easier to lose weight (because insulin is a fat-storage signal). Many people who undertake these diets can maintain calorie deficits without feeling hungry. Several case reports and a small clinical study suggest that the low-carb/ketogenic diet might help some people with schizophrenia, psychosis, or bipolar disorder to experience fewer symptoms. Strategy 4. Metformin to reduce weight from antipsychotic medication Metformin is a widely-used treatment for type-2 diabetes. It improves the body's insulin signals and reduces spikes in blood sugar. Metformin can also help people without diabetes to lose weight. And there are many studies showing the metformin can reduce weight in people who have gained weight from antipsychotic medications. Strategy 5. GLP-1 Agonists to reduce weight from antipsychotic medication GLP-1 is an abbreviation for glucagon-like peptide 1. The GLP-1 agonist drugs mimic the action of natural GLP-1. They optimize the body's insulin responses and reduce appetite. Some of these medications – liraglutide (Victoza, Saxenda); semaglutide (Ozempic, Rybelsus, Wegovy) – even have FDA approval for treating obesity. Lirgalutide has been studied in weight gain from antipsychotic medication and appears to produce more weight loss than metformin. Strategy 6. Melatonin might reduce weight gain from antipsychotic medications This episode mentions that some studies show that melatonin might reduce the amount of weight gained from antipsychotic medication, while at the same time helping to further reduce symptoms of psychosis. The studies referred to are: Romo-Nava F et al. (2014) Melatonin attenuates antipsychotic metabolic effects: an eight-week randomized, double-blind, parallel-group, placebo-controlled clinical trial Modabbernia A et al. (2014) Melatonin for prevention of metabolic side-effects of olanzapine in patients with first-episode schizophrenia: randomized double-blind placebo-controlled study. Mostafavi A et al. (2014) Melatonin decreases olanzapine induced metabolic side-effects in adolescents with bipolar disorder: a randomized double-blind placebo-controlled trial. Summary and suggestions Although the psychiatric profession has been slow to respond to the problem of antipsychotic-related weight gain, there are several options that can reduce the risk of weight gain or that can help someone lose weight. Many psychiatrists are aware of these options and are willing to help. But in cases where the psychiatrist does not know about these options or does not have experience with prescribing medications to assist with weight loss, it's likely that a general practice doctor or an endocrinologist does. The goal of treatment is always to maximize improvement and to avoid side effects whenever possible. And in cases where side effects are unavoidable, the goal should be to minimize them as much as possible. If you're concerned about weight gain, there are options and solutions. Your health care provider should be able to address them, or refer you to someone who can. Topics 0:44 This episode's question is about weight gain from antipsychotic medication 1:20 – How common is the weight gain problem? 5:49 – Which medications are more likely (or less likely) to cause weight gain? 12:38 – How to these medications lead to weight gain? 15:27 – What are some strategies to prevent or reduce weight gain from antipsychotic medications? 20:56 – How effective is diet and exercise for antipsychotic-related weight gain? 26:28 – Suggestions for someone who is concerned about weight gain from antipsychotic medications. About the Podcast: Dr. Erik Messamore is a board-certified psychiatric physician and PhD-level pharmacologist. He's a consultant psychiatrist, researcher, lecturer, teacher, and solution-focused scholar currently affiliated with the Northeast Ohio Medical University in Rootstown, Ohio. He is joined on this podcast by Melissa Xenophontos, a journalist, radio producer and longtime mental health advocate. Send us a question Useful Links Dr. Erik's website and blog Podcast website Ask A Psychiatrist YouTube Channel

Bipolar and stories of spiritual emergence

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 9, 2021 200:29

So I've been avoiding making a video all day, and I'm not quite sure why. I'm not sure if my few days of feeling good are subsiding today, and I'm transitioning into the week or so worth of kind of blindness. And I'll call hardy nutritionals on Monday and see what they think about the way it's going. I ended up just watching a YouTube video of the top 200 songs, in terms of views on YouTube. And I stared at that for probably two hours. And so yeah, I've just been kind of staring at the screen, which is something I don't usually do. But I definitely allow myself to whenever that's what seems to be good for my brain. And speaking of looking at the screen, but in a more productive way. Today, I watched Katie motorhomes documentary called emerging proud. It was released today. And I think she had an event in the UK. And there were events held in certain places around the world, and the documentary was premiered. And so happy emerging proud day. I'm not sure if it's an annual thing. And I thought it was very good, I thought it was very well done. And the way she did it was from clips that people either sent in about their stories of spiritual emergence. I don't use that term, very often I use my own term as map consciousness, to indicate so called mania and psychosis, but also meaning action potential or a lot of different things. And also that it's sort of like unmapped territory, it's something that we're exploring in consciousness. But anyways, spiritual emergence is another term or spiritual emergency. And I could try to use that more often. Because it's not good to keep saying so called mania and psychosis. I don't know why I say that. I think it's to delineate between the good and the not as good parts of the process. And in the video, they talked about dark night of the soul or shadow, as opposed to so called psychosis. And maybe, when I continue to go through this process of coming off meds, if I have to go through some of the elements that are not yet finished, perhaps I can work on reframing those and not thinking of them in terms of psychosis, which I already don't, it's just right now, I think, handy to actually make videos talking about some of the common language, because if I only use uncommon terms, then people might not know what the heck I'm talking about. And by weaving them both in together, hopefully, eventually, through conversation and knowing what we're talking about, we can create our own language, that we don't have to use any of those terms at all. And those terms weren't used at all, barely in the whole documentary, which was nice. And I thought that the selection of clips was very good. And it gave a lot of different examples of the depth and breadth of the experience, the possibilities, and I noticed some of the language that I use with myself in there. One person near the end was talking about how this has something to do with the evolution of humanity. And I've talked about that. And there were a few other things that people mentioned that were really clear to me that we speak a lot of the same language inside and how we would talk about it, if we started talking about it more might just be kind of self evident. One person might say something and then the other person might be like, Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. That's a good way to describe it. Let's talk about it in that way, or it's not about what anway, actually, it's talking about it in in lots of different ways, and not just talking about it, but what language the process wants to create and how that process wants us to relate. So I thought it was very well done. And I actually made it into the film in the credits. Let's see if you can pick me out. And some of my story is going to be in the book that goes with the film. And I haven't seen that yet. So it's on Vimeo, I think that's how you pronounce it. And it's called emerging proud. And it's definitely worth a watch. And I think there's quite a bit going on in that movement. And when I go home, I do want to get more involved somehow and not be such a chicken. And hopefully that goes along with being able to taper off these meds. That would be awesome. If when I went home, I was off the meds and I could speak from that. And things were just roses and butterflies for the rest of my life. While I'm not expecting that, but there's been three films released lately, which one is Katie mo Trump's emerging crowd. Another is healing voices. And another is crazy wise. And I think the cost of production is probably Katie motorhomes the least healing voices the middle and crazy wise, the most expensive but I actually enjoyed Katie's documentary. A bit more than crazy wise and I enjoyed hearing voices more than crazy wise. And I'm not sure why that is. Perhaps because crazy wise focuses mainly on the Shin monic interpretation and and I'm not sure it seemed It was nice to hear from a lot of different people in Katy motorhomes. Film because it gives a little bit more weight to these things happening in people than just having two people shown or three people shown. I'm not sure I just I thought it was I thought it was really good. And I like all of them. Anybody who releases a film with this kind of information. It's super awesome. And somebody even mentioned Krishna Murty in the emerging proud documentary just kind of in passing, but I thought that was kind of cool, because he's one of the people that I have studied over the years. And one thing I've talked about, but I don't really emphasize, but possibly could more is the fact that it's a healing process. And I don't talk about that very much. And when somebody said that in the film, it made me think about what I was talking about with the change in myelination in bipolar mentioned by Patricia Luis and I was thinking about how it's almost like the brain is sending more myelin up there in order to help heal that area of the brain, kind of like inflammation in any other part of our body. When we have an injury of some kind. It will get somewhat inflamed and that's part of the healing process. And it seems like the brain has a similar mechanism but with the myelin because it doesn't have the same inflammatory process in the rest of the tissue of the body. So to me, it seems like infla myelination, so it's this inflammatory process in the brain. Almost, but it's part of the brain's healing process when these psychological things happen. So, when this energy comes in to sort of sort out some of these psychological things happening, it is also changing the structure of the brain. Because our thoughts and everything are tied up in the brain cells, and Krishna Murty would say that thought is a material process. So, when all of that is going on overdrive and, and also, it's chaotic, and it's reorganizing. It makes sense in a way that there would be some kind of change in the brain cells and maybe sending myelin up to the prefrontal cortex and also to the lateral ventricles as a way of preparing the brain for reorganization. And that's part of healing too. When we have an injury, say we sprained her ankle, it has to heal, it has to reorganize, it has to recycle some of the old broken tissue and, and create new tissue and, and buffer the process in the meantime, and I have a feeling that's partly what's happening in the brain, it's inflow, myelination, it's not just brain disease, or D, myelination, it's reorganization. And if the brain is doing this, it must have some intelligence behind it. If we sprained her ankle, we don't try to stop the healing process, we might do things to to keep the inflammation from getting too out of control, mainly for our own pain tolerance. And I do a lot of talking to myself. And I frame it in the context of talking to myself, because while there's a few reasons. One is that there are things I want to talk to you. And I'm not sure if anybody wants to talk about it with me. So I talked to myself. And also I talked to myself, because some of the things I say, aren't necessarily correct. And that's a way to say them anyway, without having someone filter what I would say, because they think I'm not saying what is correct or factual. And the other thing too, is, I'm just talking to myself. So if I ever share this, and people listen, they're just listening to me talking to myself, I'm not telling anybody what to do. I'm not recommending anything, I'm not promoting anything, I'm not doing anything except having conversation with myself. And so and that's a lot because I have no idea what to do or. And so all I can really do right now is talk to myself. And the thing with mental health is that right now, it's framed as this big medical problem. So nobody should be listening to anybody but professionals about what's happening because it's this disease, and I'm trying to talk about it like, it's something completely different. And if people understood it as not a disease, not a medical problem at all, which is probably quite a few years away from being the truth, then we could just talk about this and not have to worry about if we're interfering with somebody's medical record, or, or professional help we, we divert all this to the professionals and and it talks a lot about that in the book on our own, by Judy Chamberlain, which is a really good book, I just finished reading it. And it's kind of scary how the same stuff that was going on in the mid 70s is still going on today with maybe fancier names and a little bit dressed up with the word recovery and things like that, but we're still transformed into chronic mental patients. And I don't see myself as a mental patient. And right now I am technically in the category of chronic mental patient. And my real goal is to get myself out of being in that category of chronic mental patient by not having any participation with any of the services that have to do with medical stuff. So that would be medications, psychiatrists, etc. The psychosocial stuff, the stuff to do with daily living, I would still participate with because people need that, if they're in crisis in life or struggling, people need those kinds of services and help. And hopefully one day, I won't need that, either, or I'll be able to support people in some way to transition out of the system, my real goal is to transition out of the system. So it shows that it can be done. So then people who might want the same have some proof in a way that it can be done. And I won't stop until I do it, or die trying. So that's kind of where I'm at. And then my goal would be to help people transition out of being a chronic mental patient, because we died 25 years less statistically, on average, from the studies. So why not put a little bit of time and energy in terms of years, trying to get out of it, and then we might actually, by virtue of doing that, live 25 years longer. So it could be worth the pain and effort, or the scary backs of trying to decouple from this very powerful story that we've been told. And I would think it's a really good story if people that I know and read about and myself, just took the pills and lived happily ever after till we're 85 like everyone else. But that's not how it goes, we're still suffering, we're still struggling with still hell. It's not science, it's it's experimentation, and it's still happening on us. And so I hope I can get off these drugs, I don't know if I can, it's, it's not the easiest thing. And yeah, that's my little thing right now. This is to myself, and I'm in no way shape, or form, trying to tell anybody what to do with their own life. People want to take pills, take pills, I've taken pills, they can be helpful sometimes. But that's why I don't want to participate with that. If that system could guarantee that it wouldn't steal 25 years from my life, then maybe I would be a little bit more excited about participating with it. But I'm not. And then the next thing would be to prevent the next generation from being turned into chronic mental patients. And a lot of that has to do with the context with which each one of us perceives these types of experience. And if we're able to receive people with love, and care and patience, and time, and safety, while they transition through this, instead of passing them over to the authorities who will then track them for life. Now, if anybody doesn't want this to happen to their children, or their nieces or nephews or friends, kids, then it's time to start thinking about this differently. And again, I'm not telling anybody what to think. I'm just talking to myself at length. And I'll probably just continue to talk to myself, because, as far as I know, I'm the only one that wants to hear all of this. And one of the benefits of getting a label could be that it actually makes us easier to find each other. So however many people are labeled with bipolar one, you are officially part of my neural tribe. Our brains work in similar ways. So take away all the disease, the illness, all of that our brains are undergoing the same energetic process. So we are officially a neuro tribe. So pick a different term. And we're similar brain casts, just like there's different races, different bodies, different skin colors, there's different brain types. Look at the autism brain type. Now there's some people go through this brain transition later in life. And it's not just to change our brains, but it's also to help change the world even if it's only ever so slightly. And people aren't seeing the positive sides of our, of our brains and our potentials. And maybe we're not seeing it either. And it part of the reason is because we're not having a conversation in different ways. So yeah, when I get home, I'm going to start up some kind of group. And, and a lot of different stuff, because I have lots of ideas, and I've talked about them. But I can't do them all by myself. So we each other, and just creating a narrow tribe, and framing it in the ways that resonates more with our hearts than with what we were told. And a lot of these experiences we have that are kind of strange. They can be lived. But they're difficult to explain. When we explain them, they sound impossible, but we experienced them. So in that way they are possible. And what I'm trying to get at is, a lot of what I've talked about with myself is talking about the experiences or things related to that, or explaining some of the experiences a little bit. But that's not the same as living the experiences. So maybe one day when we're fully a neural tribe, we're not even talking about explaining experiences to each other. Like I had this experience, I had that experience. This means this means that about the experiences, but actually living that experience together. It feels like we go into different dimensions sometimes. Now imagine if we actually do go into a different dimension together, and we're just living there together. And we're not explaining these incongruent experiences or one person, I want to experience another person, another experience, another person, another experience, all those experiences separately point to some strange stuff going on. But imagine we actually lived in those experiences together, and then it wasn't strange. And then that's just how it is. And it became sort of invisible, because reality works in different ways than we think, for sure. And the more of us that get together on that, the more that will be brought into manifestation, not just individually, but collectively. Just like, reason must have been this thing that was emerging and individuals, and then people got together and two people are talking in that way. And then all of a sudden, it spreads more and more and more. And then that level of experience, living that experience is just the way it's lived. people no longer explain reason, is just assumed that people are operating in some kind of reasonable way, even I say reasonable, and a lot of it's probably still not that reasonable. But we assume that that's the way it is without even assuming that's the way it is, it's just like air is just there. So in the same way, some of these strange experiences might one day just be like air, they won't be strange. And I feel one of the reasons that hasn't happened is because we're labeled as defective and, and pretty much forced into isolation. We're not talking about these things. And somebody in the documentary said, this is what's happening to me. And the only reason I mentioned that is my brain immediately thought, this process is what's happening to the me, not me, or you or her or him, or they or them. It's happening to the me, we each have a me. And this energy is trying to break up the me. In general, it's trying to break up that way of relating and having this personal ego dominate. Because the world can no longer sustain that way of viewing the world that can no longer sustain that perspective. So comes in and breaks up this perspective. And so it's not personal. It's not. This is what's happening to me. This is what's happening to the me all over the world. And the me makes certain things happen, the me has created this society as it's designed with the family system and, and, and success and progress and hierarchies and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this energy makes something else happen, this energy that breaks up the me, if that was able to be fully integrated and transformed, the brain would create a different world, because it's a different operating system. So in that way, it's important to end the me anything we can do to end the me in between so called crises will help that process because that process is trying to break up the me. So whatever that looks like, and also, somebody mentioned something about having an observing presence, well, these certain belief structures can come and try and operate. And in a way that's sort of what happens is we're observing these belief structures passing by and they're scary, and then sometimes they actually take hold of us, and then we act based on that belief structure. So I could have a thought that aliens are coming to invade, and I can have an observing presence of that. And it's terrifying. But if it actually takes hold of me, well, then maybe I run down into the basement and hide under the bed and, and, and start yelling out prayers or something like that. So I feel it's important to observe the beliefs, which is part of the me structure because they try and come in and operate and, and just watch them go by. And this happened to me when I was in crisis in January. As I was walking to go lay down and rest I had taken some Seroquel, there was some crazy things going on in my brain, I can remember something about aliens, terrifying stuff, but I was just walking, and then I just laid down and I just would rest and let it all happen. And, and not actually let it take hold and part of the thing was, if there's not much of a me there, the belief doesn't have much to cling on to and and anchor on to, to start to operate. so that there can be fear but not a me that's afraid in a way so. So can we operate with no beliefs and can we operate with no me and Krishna Murty talks at great length about ending self centred activity and if we don't do it, if we don't use some of our life energy to do that, this energy comes in and does it anyway. And I think I've talked about how the fear a lot of times is the me trying to end and when the me tries to end the me associates that with I must be dying. But really it's just the thought structures trying to come to an end and it's definitely challenging and I feel that I may again have to face death actually go through this ego death and it's really scary and I usually take Seroquel but I don't want to take that crap again. So we will seeI picked some oranges. I don't know if they're totally right. But I feel like something has shifted like, it's now the days where I usually start going downhill a bit. But I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like, I'm not sure. And my friend and I were driving back from beach to the beach today. And there was a Chevy Volt in front of us. And I thought to myself, wonder if I would ever drive one of those or buy one of those? Or what are the benefits of those cars. And then I talked to my friend, my brain twin. And he was saying that he could run me a car for a while. And lo and behold, it's a Chevy Volt. So that was kind of weird randomness, because I talked to him earlier today. And then he said, Can I call you back in 10 minutes. And then he didn't call me back. Then I went to the beach, they came back from the beach. And I saw that Chevy Volt. And they told me about the Chevy Bolt. So it's an interesting sequence of events. I want to use my remaining time in California to get into shape. Because I've gained a few pounds as I got here. And my belly is kind of big. So I'm going to try to do the walking on the road thing. I have a new goal to try to master this thing. So far, not so good. It's kind of hard. I can do about one and a half steps. It's kind of fun, though, to work on a new skill. If I go back home and I can walk across this, I may have accomplished something for now. Done my practice for the day. So by tomorrow, I might have a vehicle to use, I might be able to make the most of my time here. Maybe I'll treat the remaining two months or so more like a vacation and treat myself more and I am feeling better. And I haven't started to have those sort of downhill days. I'm going to call hardy nutritionals on Monday, which is in two days and check in with them and they'll probably tell me to just keep going at the same dose. I might do a few days on oranges only because California has lots of oranges And I slept in today until like 10. One thing I'm doing is always sleeping a lot if I have the chance. So sleep party nutritionals maybe I'll start to eat just a little healthier and get a little bit more physically active with that balance string and a con want to learn to do handstand. But I think I need to lose a couple pounds before learning because that bodyweight will be more ideal for trying to stand on my hands. Lately, I've been feeling kind of excited about the prospect of going home and being off my meds and being just in a lot better shape and better place than I was when I got here because it was a bit dicey before I came here, and then it got dicey here. And it seems I'm slowly working my way out of that. And I'm grateful for the fresh air, I'm grateful for the silence, I'm grateful for the sound of all the birds and I'm noticing the beauty and the movement of life again. So I think my body's happy with the drugs coming out of my system. I want to go home, I would love to get an infrared sauna at some point to help pull all the drugs out of my system. So just a bit more of a check in. I'm definitely feeling more energy. And I think that it could be a sign of getting over some kind of hump in the process. Maybe because I've had more days in a row that have been good than usual. So that's a good sign and I'm feeling energetic. Like I want to do things and learn and so that's good. And I was reading a little bit of David boms book wholeness and the implicit order, there was just some part of it that I want to read to myself. On page 53, he's giving an example of a radio, and how, if it feeds back upon itself, it just creates a bunch of noise. But if it tunes in with the radio wave, which is something outside of itself, then it produces the sound that is beyond its own structure. It's beyond just the radio and the antenna, but its product of tuning into the wave. And then he says, one might then suggest that, in intelligent perception, the brain and nervous system respond directly to an order in the universal and unknown flux, that cannot be reduced to anything that could be defined in terms of knowable structures. And to me, that's the realm of map we're tuning in to something else. And he says, intelligence and material process of thus a single origin, which is ultimately the unknown totality of universal flux. In a certain sense, this implies that what have been commonly called Mind and Matter are abstractions from the universal flux, that both are to be regarded as different and relatively autonomous orders within the one whole movement. It is thought responding to intelligent perception, which is capable of bringing about an overall harmony, or fitting between Mind and Matter. Because just before that, he said, What then is the relationship of intelligence to thought? Briefly, one can say that when thought functions on its own, it is mechanical and not intelligent, because it imposes its own, generally irrelevant and unsuitable order, drawn from memory. Thought is, however, capable of responding not only from memory, but also from the unconditioned perception of intelligence that can see in each case, whether or not a particular line of thought is relevant and fitting. And if I think about that, really deeply, that's a lot to do with what I'm talking about with this map. domain. And on page 56, he says, what is required here, then is not an explanation, that would give us some knowledge of the relationship of thought and thing, or of thought and reality as a whole. Rather, what is needed is an act of understanding, in which we see the totality as an actual process that, when carried out properly, tends to bring about a harmonious and orderly overall action, incorporating both thought and what is thought about an in a single movement, in which analysis into separate parts, he thought and thing has no meaning. And I was thinking about how I was talking to myself recently about how would we live if we weren't just sitting there explaining things to each other. But if we acted as if we understood, And to me, that's what happens when we're in so called mania, when we're in map consciousness, at least for part of the time. We're acting with understanding. We're not explaining our actions and we're not explaining our perceptions, but we're acting with understanding. It's only later when we're misunderstood. That we have to do all this explaining I feel there's something way beyond even this, trying to explain things to each other. Try To explain things to people who don't understand, there's the living of it, because explaining things is already too late. It's already happened, it's already past. But if we can even draw up the need to explain and just live in that, and act with understanding within ourselves. And that is related to how I talk about, when you're really clear with perception, you can understand something, you don't even have to do all this research or this or that you just look at it, and you understand. So when he says, rather, what is needed is an act of understanding. And I feel like in that state, we see the totality as an actual process, and that we're an integral part of that process, no explanation needed. And when we're really in harmony with that, we're riding that wave, that wave of perception and understanding, without having to retrospect without having to think about an explain. So I thought those were two Cool Bits that I wanted to read to myself. And I have a few points that I'll talk about. to round out the video, I made a note that thought is partly what destroys the brain and causes it to break down because of its repetitious and mechanical nature. And I was thinking about this in terms of what Patricia Louise wrote about how the neurons are over firing in the prefrontal cortex, and the neurons break down. They pretty much fray at the ends. And so in that way, we're thinking a lot in that state. And there's a lot of different thoughts. It's like thought on overdrive, and it's destroying the nerves. And in that way, thought actually breaks down thought. So what can destroy thought but thought, so by the brain activating this hybrid thinking process, it's kind of breaking down the structures of thought in the brain. So I feel like the more thoughts in bipolar are actually to break down the machinery of thought, which seems to be what's happening in the neurons at the neuron level. And sort of like, if you want to break a machine, you overrun the machine, you wear it out. Otherwise, how would that really get broken up? Because if we're always in so called normal thought, consciousness, that's not going to break up and we feel like oh, well, everything's fine. But overall, things aren't fine. At the level of humanity, with regards to thought, and it's related to that thing I read by David Bohm, how thought operating on its own, just from memory is machine like, and it's not really correlated to reality. So it's not harmonious. And so then tons of thoughts would definitely not be harmonious, and it just breaks down the machine. So it could actually be part of the intelligence of the process. It's like the brain trying to destroy that part of the brain. Because the brain sees that it is not needed to that same extent that it was before. And as part of the whole thing that there's always chaos before there is any kind of new structure or evolution. And regarding the brain, sending myelin to the prefrontal cortex and how I was talking about, it's kind of like the equivalent of inflammation. And there's inflammation is caused by thought, so overthinking, and, and too many thoughts. And it's not that a me is thinking these thoughts. It's just happening. And so that overthinking, in so called mania, and psychosis actually causes this brain breakdown and causes the inflammation in the brain. It's like the wrong energy going through the brain. So it's like thought, and the me and society is actually what causes the brain to break down because it's the energy of all that. So thought me in society, thought the me and society causes brain inflammation and it causes it to break down. And I feel like the brain is a learner like how cholesterol shows up in arteries when There's plaque formation. And it's not necessarily high cholesterol that causes hardening of the arteries. But cholesterol shows up in a way to kind of protect the arteries, just like the myelin shows up to protect the brain. But unless the underlying cause is addressed, and I feel like in the brain is the wrong energy, it's the energy of thought in the me. Unless that is a trust, then the problem is going to continue. And it's interesting that she said that these w m h is also are in the hippocampus. And I think that was to do with the myelin going there too. And apparently, the hippocampus is where new neurons are birthed. So it's interesting that that happens in the process. And it could be that new neurons are being birthed at a faster rate. So I see this, again, as a sign that it could be brain metamorphosis. And she also talked about how the pineal gland absorbs light and helps to regulate sleep and wake with melatonin or serotonin secretion. And I'm pretty sure those substances are converted into DMT, which is dimethyl tryptamine, which is the bliss hormone or something. But I was thinking that the pineal gland might have something to do with the stuff I talked about before of how, when the light of perception hits our clear mind screen, then we produce the correct response. And interestingly enough, she talks about how the pineal gland hardens because of fluoride. And a lot of water sources are fluoridated. And to me, it's a way to keep our perception narrow, it's to calcify our pineal gland, so we can't really see. So our vision is unclear. So it's interesting how it's interesting how she mentioned it. And I feel like, if it's not clear, we can't turn light into meaning. So I feel like fluoride is anti meaning. And I heard once that I think it's always based on fluoride. So it's definitely a darling substance. And I was thinking about some of the traits we gained through map consciousness. And they're actually brain traits. So one of them is making meaning dialogue, perception in the moment and action. And unless we continue to use these faculties, we lose them, that saying, use it or lose it, I think it applies to these new traits as well. And that's why I talk about harvest practice and body. And. And I feel like if we lose it, and our brain goes back to sort of how it was, yet, there's some kind of energy that wants to come in and break it up. So our brain operates in new ways. By going back to the old ways, that's actually inviting the process to start up again. Whereas if we're able to stay with some of these trades, then maybe we'll allow the energy to come in gently instead of really forcefully. And I listened to a video by Andrew Sol. And he has some really good information on health and mental health as well in terms of vitamins and mega doses. And he mentioned taking tryptophan from cashews, or just taking it, as well as taking lots of vitamin C, and also niacin. And I'm taking hardy nutritionals right now, so I won't introduce those other things, but I'm pretty sure with hardy nutritionals, you can take extra vitamins. But it's not good to take extra minerals, because it's in a certain balance. Don't quote me on that. But I'm just saying that to remind myself at some point to maybe start taking some more vitamin C, and I am eating a lot of oranges. So that could be good for vitamin C. And one important point he made was that some people are nutrient deficient, but other people are nutrient dependent. So a dependency would mean having to take it all the time. So maybe there is a mutation in one of our genetic pathways where we can make certain nutrients so we have to take it in excess And maybe larger amounts than other people would. And so I feel like, if this hearty nutritional thing works, I'll be on it indefinitely. And they said as much, they said, it's not a cure. And in that way, it makes me feel like a person is pretty much dependent on these nutrients to stay sane. And I think that's a fair deal. I wrote down something about words of reason, and how it was related to seeing things for oneself, as opposed to maybe having faith based perceptions. And in a way, it was a logic of the self, seeing for oneself, and then accumulating facts and knowledge around being able to understand or, or reason something or learn. And by accumulating, we actually created this separate self, and we collected facts. And that was logical for the time being. But now, now we're seeing something else we're not seeing for oneself as in the ego me we're seeing for Gaia, we're seeing beyond ourselves, because there's a selective pressure for us to do so. In terms of the totality of, of the planet. So perception selects for traits, perception creates genes. And that is based on Dr. Bruce Lipton's work. So I feel like by proceeding beyond ourselves, we're starting to create the right genetics in the brain to be able to continue to do so in order to be able to continue the species of human being. So the self was okay before, but now we have 9 billion selves, and it's just not sustainable to see that way. Doesn't mean it's not sustainable to keep growing at this rate, that might not necessarily be true, we might be able to continue to grow as a population at the same rate, but we can't continue to see the same way and grow at that rate. So the environment, the energy of the environment, and what's happening in the totality, the totality of the cosmos is like a computer, it can compute exactly what's going on, everywhere at once, or in just one point. Each point is like a computation that implies every other point. So it knows what we're doing and knows what's happening. And then that energy creates the environment and the environment creates the pressure on us to see what's really happening and not just see what's happening for, for ourself. And so Gaia is creating a selective pressure for the brain to mutate. And I listened to a talk by somebody who was talking about evolutionary biology, and they were talking about how nature and evolution and, and, and animals and things, they mutate at the last second, nothing happens in advance, we don't change in advance of the necessity of the change. So I think this relates to what I've talked about with how something will shift really quickly. And then the brains that are adapted for this new way of seeing will actually be the ones that survive. So the point was that, that evolution never does anything in advance. And I wrote down that there's something that sees and creates the mutation. And I think I've talked about this before how, however much we're consciously perceiving, there's still the subconscious calculation that's going on all the time. So even if we're ignoring things, we're still picking up on it to a certain extent. And there's something that sees, and that's a subconscious thing, and that's also collective. So we're all walking around picking up all this different information in our perceptual field. And the bit that we pay attention to is related to the me, but something else is seeing the rest. There's something else that we all share. And it's calculating and in that way, we'll know exactly what to do and how to change things when it's necessary. And so it's life as a whole that sees the need. So when a bird gets a longer beak to adapt to the conditions of What buget needs to eat in the bark of a tree. It's not that the actual bird the personal bird sees that it needs to mutate, it's actually the whole energy of that species and, and, and Gaia that sees that it needs to change a bird in order for the bird to survive, and probably does so at the last second to save that particular species. And it's not the ones don't die out, they do for sure. But so there's something that sees the bird is dying off because it's big is not long enough, through the bird's eyes, of course, and, and it filters into the collective calculation of everything. So it's life itself. Life itself is part of the design and the designer and the designed, there's no separation. So it's not even that the me sees that the brain needs to mutate. It's something else that sees that. So yeah, that's it for today. I will check in tomorrow to see if I'm still feeling good. And of course, I need to be aware of feeling too good. So I will talk to hardy nutritionals about that on Monday. And ask about being careful of that too.So I don't know if it's illegal to make videos while I was driving. I haven't googled that yet. But I think we're allowed to talk while driving. And I'm just talking to myself so doesn't seem problematic. The only trouble is I can't use the GPS and I have no idea where I'm going. So this morning I finally got a reply about the complaint letter I put in about my psych wards day of April 2016. And, as expected, it wasn't quite satisfactory. They talked about how it was okay for me to be on Seroquel because I was on Seroquel before in previous hospitalizations. Well, in previous hospitalizations, I was on quick release, Seroquel, maximum, maybe 100 milligrams a day, because they have the 25 milligram tablets. And this time, the doctor put me on slow release and was tapering me up to 800 milligrams a day. So my complaint wasn't Seroquel. It was the type of Seroquel and putting me on such a high dose that I was intended to be on it for a long period of time. They don't put you on 800 milligrams just to be on it for a week. So the other doctor put me on those small tablets and I was off of them. By the time I left the psych ward, eight to 10 days later, I wasn't going to be off of the Seroquel at 800 milligrams, when I left, I was going to be drugged up like a zombie. So they completely missed the point on that one. And there were other points in there too. And maybe I'll talk about them later. But for the most part reading, it just made me feel a little bit angry. Because they didn't really get it. But at the same time, I'm not surprised because they haven't been through that. So they don't know. And it's their medical training. So they think, Oh, this is just fine. But I know from my own experience, it's not fine. And it just made me actually more resolved to come off these medications and say sayanora to that whole system. And so I'll probably reply to somebody and say, that's not really satisfactory, but I didn't really expect anything satisfactory. So whatever. The best I can do is get myself off these drugs and and that would be the biggest win and then be able to say, Hey, I'm not taking this crap anymore. And maybe help people see that they can do the same if they want to. So that's the biggest important thing right now. It's coming off the meds and I met up with my brain twin yesterday. And he was saying to me that I should release my videos because I have a lot of good content. And I could be helping people by releasing them. But I don't know if that's true. I don't know if this is gonna help anyone. But I feel like it will help someone if I'm able to come off the meds. And I don't necessarily want to put it out there until I'm off the meds and speaking from that point, or have failed to come off the meds and something rather but I just need a little more time. But the good news is that I spoke to hardy nutritionals this morning, and I told them that last night I had a bit of trouble sleeping in that I woke up partway through the night and I was half asleep half awake, but I couldn't quite wake up to maybe get up and go pee but then I was just laying there for what felt like hours. And then somebody commented this morning that I look tired. So that was last night and the night before. For when I was falling asleep, I felt again, like I was too far into sleep yet not really sleeping. And I was aware that there was some scary afraid of death stuff going on some of the stuff that might wake me up, and I would feel scared and, and have that sort of energetic terrified reaction. And and so I told them about that. And they said that I had a few good days more so than before. And I haven't really gone into the bad days, but I've had two nights that aren't the best sleeps. So they suggested that I go down another eighth of my medication, and maybe now is a good time to start trying to go down in the dosage amount faster. So I also ordered a product they have called central in Manos, or something like that. And she said that might help with sleep. So that should be here by Wednesday. And I'm going to start taking that and seeing how that helps with sleep, and then also going down in the 1/8 dosage. So tonight, when I take my dosage of medication, I'll officially be one half way there. So one half of the way off the medications, which is great news. And I feel more like I want to really do this because of that letter, and how annoying it is just to have everything that I said pretty much denied because it is best practice. And that is a pretty crappy practice, I'm sorry to say. And so if I can come off these drugs, that would be the best way. Instead of trying to fight that system, just transcend it just end the trance of that system. And so that's the plan now is to go down and ate the medication. And then on Wednesday, when it gets the amino acid product, I'll start taking that. And they said when I call on Friday, I might do another one eight reduction, so I might be starting to come off the medications a little bit quicker. And the other cool thing is that tonight with the first night, I don't take any Seroquel, I've been taking 1/8 of a chunk of a pill for a little while. And now tonight, I'm not going to take any circle, I'm going to take half a trazadone and 300 milligrams of lithium. And it hasn't been too bad. And hopefully it continues that way. And hopefully that other product helps. I'm really going with this hardy nutritionals process right now. Whatever they recommend that I should get, I'm going to do it because I'm just committed to this process. And talking with them really helps they say things about how other people experience these sleep things when coming off the medication. And that's a little bit part of the process. And it wasn't even that bad. It's just something that I noticed and then by telling them that they're saying, Okay, well, we're going to reduce your medications by another eight. So that's cool. And the letter was crap. I could have written it myself, because it's just I don't know. So I'll do a little bit of a car review in here. This Chevy Volt is actually quite nice to drive. I've driven somebodies Honda Accord here and it was not the greatest but it was a bit older. And then I drove a Dodge Dart I think when I had a rental car, and it was okay, but it wasn't the greatest. I didn't love it. But this Chevy Volt is quite nice. It has good acceleration and good handling the seats a little hard but I feel quite supported. And I haven't tried out charging the battery yet because I ran out of battery. It runs 33 miles on electricity before it converts over to gas. So I'm going to try to charge this thing every night and then have 33 miles a day of driving maybe and just drive for free. So I've just done a little bit of a loop here, because I'm supposed to be meeting my friend again, because when he got this car, they were supposed to put new tires on for him, but they didn't. And so he asked to take this thing to get new tires. Or I could drive it to get new tires, but he said he would. So I didn't have to drive so far. He's in a little bit of the magic zone right now. And I feel like By the way, I was talking with him yesterday, I was probably a buzzkill, for sure. So hopefully, I can be a bit more supportive, and perhaps, walk a little bit in his world too, because maybe he'll bring out some of the magic in me. And yeah, the trouble with my magic state is a lot of times tips over into so called psychosis, which can be really scary and my life is at risk. When that happens. If I never had my life at risk, if I just stayed in mania or whatever, then then who knows, but and I asked her the nutritionals if the nutrients helped to prevent mania, and they said yes, because I don't want to go too high either. Because if I get too high than they could perhaps have a depression or something and, and depression is awful. 1230 I better give my magic friend a call and see what is going on. So now that I have a car, I can go more to the hot springs. I can do a couple more hikes. I did this hike before the one where I ran through the clouds. I kind of like that one because it's a fire road and it's quite wide. So I don't feel like a snake is going to jump out at me or or bears are going to be running around. That's one of the reasons why I don't really like to hike by myself is wildlife fear of wildlife. So yeah, lots of action happening. And and I started reading the book stealing fire by Steven Kotler and Jamie Weil. And it's interesting so far, I've been picking out points to extrapolate Of course. And one thing I don't love is how they glorify things like war and navy seals and things. It seems like they glorify that, but they talk about other things too, but they started off with that. Maybe just start off with a bang, but I wish they would leave that part out. When they mentioned how it costs $500,000 to train a navy seal, it's kind of scary. that much money is put into training one person to be an elite killing machine. And that doesn't even count them all the equipment and the all the other war machines. But anyways, I won't go on about that. Peace, love and butterflies. This is kind of a fun road two drives very squiggly. This car is also very quiet. Right now I'm using the gasoline mode. And I'm pretty sure I could talk to myself without using this little speaker headphone and it would be just fine. I might stop off at a viewpoint here. Call my brain twin So I didn't manage to run into my brain twin, but I spent some time with my brain twins friend, and I got some honey, sage, honey, it's really good. And it's in the shape of a bear. So that is definitely a score, definitely worth the drive. And I took a bit of a video yesterday about my journey to walk the slack line. And I didn't do any today because it's a bit rainy, so it'd be muddy and dirty to fall off that slack line. So I will do it when I can, but I will share my progress on that too. They too. I'll try some more later. And the other thing I want to do is do the ceremony of reducing my medications. So changing the amounts I take each day. So I'll show you my setup. So this is very scientific. I have used an empty capsule of a different supplement to have my 150 milligrams of lithium. So there's 75 approximately in here and 75 in here. So those are all 70 fives. So this is a 300 and this is 75 and now I'm down to 300. So I don't need to take the 75 so I can save that for when I have to go down 75 milligrams, I'll be on a 150 and one of these, I think that will be the next level down. So I don't need those. But they're actually valuable because I need to always decrease in 75 milligram dose doses and so those are for next round. And then they don't need the little chunk of Seroquel anymore. So that goes with the little Seroquel chunks. And then this is the little piece of this looks like Seroquel. This is my little chunk of trazadone so trazadone chunks go there. That looks like some kind of mixture. So I will just Donate that to the floor. So now I'm off the Seroquel, and I'm off there a little chunk extra of trazadone. So now each day, I'm just on this What does that and so I can pack up the Seroquel. And that looks like it's missing a bit. So I'll replace that with one. That's actually a half. And so now this is what it looks like for tonight, and I take the Benadryl as well. So that's my setup. And then I'll take one Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday, Thursday. And then by Friday, I might actually have to reduce and do a 150 plus a 75. And not use the three hundreds, and I don't have a ton of 150s left. So I might start having the three hundreds for the 150 and use the 150 halfs, the 75. So that's my little setup, and get this little dust out of here, don't want to take that extra stuff. And so we will see how that goes today. Tonight, I just want to add in and point out that I left for California, three months ago today. So tomorrow, it'll be three months since I got here. And tonight will be the first night I don't have to take any Seroquel since I had to start taking it about two months ago or something like that. And so that's a big deal. And in five days, it will be 11 months of self dialogue. May 20 is the first anniversary of 11 months and June 20 will be the first anniversary of one year. But I said that September 11 was the time that I started doing this more consistently, because I only did videos on four occasions from June 20 to September 11, or something like that. But then after that I really got into the process. So it's possible by the one year mark, June 20. At this rate, I'll actually be off of my medications. So my goal, if I had a goal was to talk myself out of the system. And if I'm able to do that, by that date, I will have officially talked myself out of the system in a year. And then on September 11, around that time, that would be enough time to see if it has fully taken root in being able to stay off the medications for several months. So I'm not sure when I will share this. But I think there was another milestone I wanted to share. But I forget. So I'm starting to read a book called The man who wasn't there. And I've been reading the first chapter on cold heart syndrome, which is basically a person expressing that they're dead, even though they're not. And they're talking about a man who is saying that he's brain dead. And they did some scans of his brain. And there are certain areas of his brain related to the self that were really underactive. And they weren't saying that this means this is the cause, but they did show it in that person. And there's not a lot of people who get this kind of phenomenon happening. But I was reading it and thinking this person is convinced and saying I'm brain dead, I'm brain dead. In a way. They're kind of right, certain areas of their brain aren't functioning optimally and the parts related to the feeling of self. Because this book is about the feeling of self. So what I'm thinking is that this person is actually giving voice to that brain state. So they're focusing on how a person is saying that they're dead when they're not. And what does this mean about the self, but to me in a way, it's almost like the brain talking. And I've talked about before how we don't know how to make sense of some of these sensations we feel, whether it's hypersensitivity to our environment and other people. And it's possible that our own brain can speak through us at times when it needs some kind of help. And to me, it's a person speaking as that brain state, just as somebody who is in so called psychosis, might be saying strange things. But they might be speaking about things related to being sensitive to the environment, but they don't know how to put it into words. So they're saying something, but a lot of it is lost in translation. And again, we don't understand that language. So we're focused on what's wrong with the person. When the person is saying, I'm brain dead. It might be the brains way of giving voice to something that needs some kind of support. And a person saying something strange and so called psychosis might be actually pointing out something in society that is bothering them or needs to change. But then we put it all on the person and say, well, what's wrong with you? I just thought of something about the self. I feel like the self is the way the brain fires because of conditioning. It's the way we've been conditioned to perceive the world. So it's been conditioned to fire and for us to see the world the dominant way. But it's not the only way to see the world and the brain definitely needs to see the world in new ways. The human brain needs to see the world in new ways. If it is to continue in this world.So in my complaint letter I thoroughly outlined that I did not want to be on Seroquel xR, and they put me on it anyway. And they tapered me up to 500 milligrams a day and they're intending to go up to 800 milligrams a day. One before if I was in the psych ward, they gave me Seroquel quick release, which are just 25 milligram pills. And I don't think they ever gave me more than two or three at a time, usually maximum two. So if it's two or three times a day or something like that, that's maximum 150 milligrams. And I was off the circle by the time I left the psych ward, or two days after, which is maximum 10 days. And I was in the hospital and on Seroquel for 33 days, plus another month to finish tapering off of it in the community. Because I was tapered up to 500 milligrams of this Seroquel before I was able to switch doctors and then she tapered me off. Because she listened to me was the first doctor refused to listen to me in not putting me on that stuff in the first place. And then I said consult with this other doctor, they know what to do to help me. They wouldn't do that. So regarding the circle thing, they put one prescribe Seroquel when you did not want to receive his medication. The doctor prescribed this medication as you had previously been on Seroquel without documented ill effect. Other anti psychotics had caused side effects and therefore not prescribed. And that's not even that wasn't even the point regarding not being transferred to the doctor that I know right away. They say the admitting psychiatrist keeps you unless there's a compelling reason to do otherwise. Well, in my mind, I gave some compelling reasons the other doctor knew how to help me. She told me twice before. And for some reason, this wasn't good enough. And they did sort of address it. They said your concern regarding not being listened to regarding your treatment and what had worked in the past. We sincerely apologize that this was your experience during your care with Dr. x, we value the voice of the patient and want to incorporate this whenever possible. And I asked what if Advanced Directives would be valued. And it says where possible advanced directives and representational agreements will be followed in cases where an individual is admitted and voluntarily under the Mental Health Act. And the psychiatric presentation warranted, the psychiatric components in an advanced directive or representational agreement may not be followed as expressed. So that is the news about getting that document written up, as it won't necessarily be listened to. So note to self never go to the psych ward. And it says, Do people have a choice of the psychiatrists they see when they go to the Ipu? And it says they see the admitting psychiatrist and it says this is our current practice which can be reviewed in the future? Well, I think some of these practices need to be under review, or just have a completely different practice. So yeah, they kind of addressed it when they said didn't listen to regarding what helped in the past. And but not completely because the point was missed that I was drugged up with the intention of being drugged up for the long term with a doctor that didn't even know me, but was just gonna put me on this completely different trajectory that she decided after knowing me for 10 minutes and alter my life. And I knew otherwise and they didn't listen. So I would not put myself in that place ever again, to be I don't know. I really hope this coming off medication thing works because and not just coming off and kind of staying stable and quiet but having some energy and some, some mental strength to change some of these things because it's total crap. And it talks about how I had to call conflict of interest to have the doctor switch And I was admitted on April 5, and I was switched on April 7. But the damage was already done within two days, I was already on 500 milligrams of Seroquel slow release. And then I didn't even ask to be tapered off of it right away, I might have waited a day or so. So within three days, there was so much work to do to come off of that crap and so much scary stuff. In the meantime, it was so scary and terrifying. So I don't know. Maybe it's not just that, maybe it's just something that had to happen. But I guess part of it is not having to go through that kind of thing again. So between driving around with this car stuff and this letter, things have been a little bit stressful. So I need to also relax. So maybe I'll do a little bit of editing and see where I'm at. I have three books on the go right now. So I have some other stuff to cover, I actually have four books on the go. I'm reading wholeness in the implicit order, the man who wasn't their journey to excellence by Carlos caste and NIDA, and stealing fire, by Steven Kotler and Jamie wheel. And I'm just waiting for my brain twin to get here. So maybe I'll just talk about just the little more things. In the book stealing fire. There was a line that says the upper range of human experience. And that made me extrapolate that some of these altered states that often end up being deemed mental illness are also the upper range of human experience. And they were talking about SEAL training, Navy SEAL training, and how it is a filtration system in terms of finding the right people to be trained for that position. And that made me think of how map, how transconsciousness, how altered states in a way, is a filtration system. It's almost filtering who can stand in those states. It's putting our consciousness into a different state and seeing who will filter through. So in a way, it could it be that evolution is partly a filter, not really a selection. There's nothing there doing the selecting. There's no ultimate thing selecting this or that as evolution goes on. But in a way, it's a filter. It's filtering the organisms through the environment. And as the environment changes, the filter changes for who goes through in terms of different organisms. And the human brain in a way needs to change in order to filter through not just this environment, but in order to create a new environment that will be sustainable for human brains. So I feel like in a way, map consciousness is training by Gaia and the universe to adapt to these new brain states that are necessary. It's almost like there's so many different experiences and altered states happening, just like there's a lot of different mutations happening and a lot of different things. But not all of them go somewhere. But something will go somewhere eventually. So in a way, it's not a test, either. It's a filter. It's like waves crashing ashore. It's like a tide. Our brains go into these altered states and these non ordinary states, and then we we come back like a wave like the tide coming in. So our brains go into those states and go into those states. But we eventually do come ashore. And they talked about how in Google, they were looking for a CEO and they gave him a Navy SEAL like test to find the right CEO for Google quite a few years ago now. And I think the universe is testing our brains in a way to and selecting for wisdom. And remember Dr. Alberto patella doe said, nature selects for wisdom. So I think it puts us in these wisdom states, these states beyond just logic and reason, to start to try to select for that wisdom. And by getting with those states and seeing and creating with that, we can And create what that wisdom is trying to create. It's definitely not trying to create mental patients, but that's what human beings who don't have that wisdom or any understanding, turn us into. And so in a way the masses are the environment. So we as brains that go into these non ordinary states are these wisdom harvesting, meaning harvesting states have to bring back enough meaning to change how the masses respond to us. And that's in a way because they are the environment that we're received by when we're coming back. The wave is on the ebb. There's the ebb and the flow. And when we're on the app, or in danger of being captured by the masses. So just as people are testing who can be navy seals, the universe is testing who can carry this meaning into some kind of something, I don't know what and it's also seeing if life can trust us. Life is trying to see if it can trust us. And they talked about str, which has four qualities of non ordinary states, which was selflessness, timelessness, effortlessness, and richness. And I've talked about richness in terms of meaning, there's this inner richness, when there is no time, and there is no self as the me, and there's no effort. And so on away our state is usually so ordinary, I turned around, and I say, our state is usually so ordinary, and mediocre, because we have a self, or we feel a self where we operate from a self. We're always putting in a lot of effort. And we think in terms of time of being better. So in a way, the self and time and effort are all the same thing. I feel like Krishnamurti would say those are all the same thing. Because it's the me that makes effort to be better. So the me is the effort. There's no me aside from the effort. There's no self, aside from effort and time. Well, effort implies time because it takes time to change or to get better, no richness. So they talk about selfless, effortless, timeless, and richness. So the rich ness is the only one that isn't less because it's self less timeless, effortless. So if you subtract itself and time and effort, then there's richness. So if there's richness, in a way, there's no self and there's no time and there's no effort. So I think richness equals negative self minus effort minus time. But those three things are all the same in a way. So if you can rid yourself have any of those things then you may come upon the richness. states are so ordinary because we've been conditioned to have a self, make effort, live by time, feel rich. And I feel like the self is a manifestation of society. It's what we need to navigate society. So what would be a manifestation of Gaia? When we think about the sphere of society is very narrow compared to the sphere of Gaia. So society being lost in that denies the richness of Gaia To be continued.So last night, my brain twin didn't arrive until 1130. And then we're talking for about an hour. So I think I went to bed around 1230. But I definitely remember having that heart pounding thing happen, and the fear and the fear of death. And it's, it's scary. And I still fall asleep, though. And that was without Seroquel. And then I had to wake up at seven, so, or 730. So I didn't get the longest sleep. And so falling asleep has been a little bit dicey these last three nights. For the first night, I was falling asleep, then the second night it was staying asleep. And then the third night it was falling asleep again. So the hearty nutritional stuff is supposed to come tomorrow, and it probably won't come until evening. And so they said take two, three times a day. And then at some point, I'll just take six before bed. So tonight won't be included in that. So we'll see how tonight goes. And then tomorrow is a little bit of a day with the essential amino acids. And then Thursday, we'll be able to do the full amounts. And I'm saying this because I'm hoping that it helps. Because if it doesn't, that might be a sign that I should head home

Documenting a bipolar tapering off meds experiment that works until it doesn't

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 5, 2021 178:36

So I haven't done a video in about a week. And I haven't been feeling that good emotionally. I've been in some conflict and not really handling myself very well. And I let a lot of things build up over time and just wasn't me expressing myself throughout even though I can talk to myself. for hours and hours, sometimes I'm not the greatest at talking to others in terms of setting up certain boundaries. It could be my training as a peer, just wanting to be open and accepting a very thing specially considering that I have needed that from people at times. And a lot of different factors, but I'm, I'm learning about that. I don't feel happy. I had those couple of good days. And then I was taking some notes and stuff, and then I just haven't had a good week at all. And I think I'm really missing my family and my community. And not feeling I'm not feeling lonely. I don't know how I'm feeling I'm feeling like maybe I would rather be with my family and my community then in California. When before I left, I was thinking I think I'd rather be in California than with my family and community. And it could just be that I've maxed myself out. But it's not just that because I've been struggling here because of what I was talking about before having that mini crisis and having to take Seroquel so many of the days here. I've just been going through like a zombie and that's not how I thought I would have to go through my days here. I thought I would have at least six months until my next crisis and it was a total of something like a month. And then I was taking Seroquel and then I went to LA and did ecpr and so I started trying to take less Seroquel and then it was hard to get off the Seroquel. I went from full to have to try to go off of Seroquel completely. And the Hardy nutritionals people said those were too big of jumps. But now I've been on Seroquel. I'm taking a quarter now. So that would be seven, seven and a half milligrams. But I've been taking it go going on two months. And I think just the totality of everything, taking the circle for two months having that crisis and having to go through much of it by myself and just drop dragged myself through it. And now doing the hearty nutritional thing, which I'm guessing is going to make me feel in different ways at different times. And some stuffs gonna want to come out perhaps that has just been kept at bay by the medications. And also I'm used to interacting with people in the mental health community where there's a lot of understanding and care and all these different things. Whereas right now I'm in the real world, which doesn't necessarily have that context. And so instead of operating within an amongst that context and with people who understand that and who are going through similar things. So there's this mutual support by virtue of just going through it and not even really have having to say things and explain it. I feel like I almost have to explain myself somewhat. not totally, I just, I feel like I understand that I'm not in that context. So I have to be more wary because I could be. I could be misunderstood, or, I don't know, it's hard to explain, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but and just not having people that know me where other people back home, know me and I don't have to feel like I'm I feel kind of like things that I do could easily have more points against me than for me or something. Whereas in my community, I feel like, there's little chance of things going wrong. And if they do, it's not really going to affect anything, because I've been there quite a long time. People know me. I've supported people people have supported me, it's just very reciprocal and mutual. And I find just in talking to myself, now I've speaking a lot of the language of peer support. And so I like the way that kind of community is, is set up. I feel like here some people know about my diagnosis and label. So if I do struggle and voice things, then they could be interpreted as something to do with my label, because they don't know me enough to know. And nothing terrible has happened. It's more. I'm just, I'm just struggling in the scenario I'm in now, and and it's one thing to struggle. But it's another thing to struggle for two months and feel like, well, maybe this struggle would be less. If I was at home, if I would have known that I would have needed to take Seroquel while I was down here, I don't think I would have come down here. I was planning on just bringing a couple of circles, just in case, because I really didn't think anything was gonna happen. But I brought a whole bottle. And I've had to take it every day for the last two months. And so it's been somewhat of a struggle on my own dealing with these things, having to pretend that I'm doing better than I am around others and just go about what I need to do in a day. And I think it's just the time is just feeling like I want to go home and I feel like maybe I should I wanted to stay down here because there's another course I want to take in July. But I don't know. And I really wish I had a car down here. It's difficult to get around and and I haven't done a reduction of my meds for a while. So I will talk to her nutritionals on Monday, I hope and maybe they'll say to go down in my medications because I've been bleeding in between menstrual cycles, and that might be too much information. But that pretty much has never happened. And I wonder if it has something to do with the micronutrients and balancing hormones or something like that. So I only say that because I could be kind of hormonal when I'm not supposed to be or something. I just feel disorganized and disorientated and not knowing what I should be doing and kind of like not in a good healthy routine and I'm tired of not having any money to have healthy food. I feel like there's no point in trying to be kind of healthy. Maybe there is but I'd rather just be not healthy and say money, then sort of kind of be healthy ish and spend more money. And I don't know what I'm saying. But next week, I'm going to try to do some more rollerblading. And and hopefully, if they say go down a quarter of a dose on my medications, maybe that'll help somewhat. Maybe I'll ask if I should take more of their supplement. I don't really care what it takes. If it takes taking more to to jumpstart my brain, then that's what it takes. And I'll see if maybe I should go down to 1/8 of a Seroquel. But one thing's for sure. When I'm in a place of some anger and some sadness and some grief. And, and my mind is occupied with avoidance strategies and so many things, it's definitely not an insight. There's no insight, there's no beauty. It's just self preservation and self protection, I guess I would like to leave California on a positive note. And better than when I got here, not necessarily worse, right now, I've probably gained 10 or 15 pounds. And I'm feeling more like keeping to myself and being social. And. And so I was wondering before I came here, if just being outside the mental health paradigm would help in terms of being able to transcend it? And I'm not sure if that's true or not. I feel like that's my community. I went through those experiences, and I can't change that. And so how can I utilize them? And I'm glad I watched that Steve pavlina video about how he said, when you get criticism or something, you can just not reply, or you can reply with a smiley face or whatever you want. Because I didn't reply to that email that upset me a couple of weeks ago and time in my day decided by others in terms of my activities. And I'm learning that just being here because so my day is somewhat structured. And I don't mind it, actually, but I'm seeing what things in my life. I don't like control, like food. There's some parts of the food process here. It kind of reminds me of being in a psych ward. And so before I met that person, so it's hard for me to think and abstract and conceptualize and plan what I would want to eat for the week. And actually, when I was back home, I was praying for dinner, and maybe a little snack during the day. And so it wasn't super healthy, but it also I wasn't eating a lot and I was staying slender and I was also doing quite a bit of self dialogues was feeling Here, I find it difficult to find a place to do self dialog, that there's any privacy besides my room, unless I was just out talking to myself and not really caring if anyone saw. And that might be the case, but I have my notebook and stuff. So it looks kind of silly or awkward to be looking at a notebook and then looking at a phone and, and also it's really hot. And being outside, it sort of makes the phone really hard and the battery die really quickly. And there's other variables. So I don't know what I'll decide to do. But I feel like if I don't get myself together, I might just somehow sabotage the rest of my time here. Because I am supposed to stay for six months. It was sort of a six month commitment. Instead of a commitment to a psych ward. It's a six month commitment. And it's actually quite difficult as a person, commit to something for six months and, and do different stuff and blahdy blahdy blah. Especially when I've been struggling and having to take extra meds and in certain jobs I've had, I wouldn't be able to take time off or think I've talked about how any time I've had to take Seroquel. I usually am off work those days. If I'm working in peer support, I I take the time off if I had my medical office job, I took time off. Actually I actually the whole time I worked there, I was fine. And I think because it was so happy and, and social and fun. So there's something about balancing this fun thing, and I'm not sure. But if I really have to go back, I will go back. I guess I can't expect it to be roses. Coming off segments. I actually saw a web page for a new respite center or home or homes that are going to be opening in San Francisco called gnosis something. And apparently gnosis means knowing what the heart. It's gnosis retreat centers, and Dr. Michael cornwalls involved in the project, as well as a bunch of people who worked under Artie Lange, when he was alive. And so the centers and the homes there based on the work of Artie Lange. And I've read Artie Lange's book, the politics of experience, and its total genius. I started reading it again. So I could highlight sections because I figured out how to do that. So hopefully I will get it together. And hopefully I will at least get somewhat back into self dialogue. Because it could help a little bit and even if I don't get that much self dialogue in it's good to do a video and talk about some of the more difficult days to because there will be difficult days in this process of coming off these meds and, and wanting to document some of that I want ice cream.It's a random rainy day here. And this morning, I got a text from my brain twin, and he's coming up here to visit. So could be interesting to see if we can do some brainstorming. And he has some pretty good ideas about some stuff. So again, it would be awesome to be able to collaborate and not just be having insights and talking about them. And I think it might also help to motivate me a little bit because right now I feel a bit like, I'm not really helping myself out right now. So I'm trying to come off the meds, but I'm not eating healthy and having a good healthy routine. And I'm not really helping others. So I feel a little bit like, what am I doing? So if we can do some collaborating him and I then maybe my brain will be more motivated and a bit more happy in terms of that, because right now, I'm nearly halfway through my time in California, and I've only gone downhill, even though it's not really that much downhill. It's just more so certain aspects of my life are missing. Like, I was wondering, would it be like to be away from mental health. And since him, and I talk about mental health stuff, it's a way to re engage that area with more than just myself. Because perhaps the stuff I'm talking about is becoming more and more abstract. And I don't even know because I haven't talked about any of it in a week. And I don't know what else to talk about. But maybe I'll go get a snack. I'm outside, and it's a rare rainstorm. But I'm just sitting on the ground reminds me of home to rainy place. And I met up with my friend today. But he didn't stay long. I thought we'd have more time to chat. And he's doing some cool stuff. He got he's hopefully getting himself an RV and living in a mobile way. And I think that's really cool. It's something that I would be interested in doing. At least partly, maybe living with my family and then having a mobile home instead of trying to get my own home, at least right away. And you have some other ideas that I won't talk about yet because we didn't get to talk enough, but I feel a little bit reinspired to get my butt in gear. And I was just watching a little bit of an Elan musk talk and, or interviews I guess, and a bit of a program on him and it's pretty amazing what one person can do. And he said something about how part of why he does what he does is to create things that will make the future better. So those things being created might make somebody wake up and be like, that'll be so cool when that exists because somebody is making it happen. And I wonder what that might be for me to do. The rain is already stopping. And then I just started watching a bit of a Steve pavlina video, he's up today 24 of his water fast. And I've been eating so unhealthy. And my friend said he might actually be able to lend me a vehicle so that might help and tomorrow Hopefully I'm going to go rollerblading. And I'll probably take a video of that. But I feel like I could work more on my blog and but I'm wondering what the most powerful thing would be to do. I could go back and watch some of my old videos to see if I can remember what the heck I was talking about. Or maybe I've maxed out on talking about stuff, and that's why my brain is not responding so much to it. It's sort of adapted to that, though I haven't been doing it to the same extent. So maybe I'll try some more self dialogue and see if maybe that type of process wants to be finished with and move on to something new. I just made this pastor does doesn't even taste good. I want ice cream. But I don't have any. I don't have a car so I can't go get any. I'd have to walk an hour and 15 minutes to get ice cream each way. And it's 648 there's no possibility of ice cream.Today I slept in till 11am. Definitely oversleeping. And I'm hoping to talk to hardy nutritionals today and get confirmation that perhaps I should reduce my meds by another 75 milligrams, which is 1/8. And today I remember to put mascara on both eyes. So I think I might be a little bit ahead of the game, but maybe not because I slept in till 11. And I went to sleep at like 930 or 10. I'm having a feeling that this struggle might continue. And it's not that bad. But it's annoying given the fact that I'm in California and wanting to have some fun. And speaking of fun, I'm thinking I'm going to go rollerblading today. And maybe I'll take some video of that. I remember years and years ago, about three or four days a week, I would go to this one place and just rollerblade all day and lay in the sun and not really do anything. And that was a day well spent. And now I feel like I'm not sure what a day well spent is my brain have no memory are problems with memory. So I'm feeling like I want to do something useful, but at the same time, my brain doesn't necessarily want to cooperate. So we'll see how rollerblading goes today. I'm just getting ready to skate down this hill. And it doesn't look like much of a hill, but it's still long so and I've never done it before. But this is sort of the road to the beach before I just started on the trail because I had a rental car but and I bought myself a helmet because I'll be on the road. And this is sort of roller bipolar, I think I feel like I need to try on some new avatars besides the series self dialog. Maybe that one has worn itself out. And I'm definitely feeling on the depressed side. So we'll see how this goes with getting out and doing something. I just ate a big lunch and I'm feeling like eating ice cream every day. But I don't have access to ice cream. Maybe today I'll be able to find some ice cream. So I'm curious how fast as hell we'll feel made it down the hill. Love the street canopy of trees. So it took me 40 minutes to get to the trail from where I was between walking and skating. So I just got the go ahead from hardy nutritionals to go down to 1/8 of a Seroquel from one quarter and 375 milligrams of lithium from 450 and 1/8 less of the trazadone. So that's the next dosage for a while. And then after the next reduction. I'll actually be off half of my medications which is a pretty good milestone. So I would like to feel a little bit better but I don't actually feel that bad. I Just feel kind of blah and numb. And they said that the anti psychotic is a bit of a depressant. So doing the 1/8 reduction might help a bit. So I'm looking to so I'm looking forward to see how I feel. And I think upping the physical activity will help even if I'm kind of lazy and I don't really feel like it. Yeah, I'm not that fun Hill again. Here we go. That's the money shot. wins against me today. Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. feel like I can be a little bit more daring with a helmet on. Go figure. always obey the signs. Like caution. So we've made it to the ocean find us anymore so beautiful over there.So I found this poor little mouse on a mouse trap I'm gonna attempt to get him off the trap but I don't know how well that's gonna work but it's worth a try because I can't watch this little guy suffer serious stuff such as baby oil but I don't have any so that's what I have is coconut oil spray might be stuck to my glove now though. Now it looks like it can't move because he's got his goop all over him so I might just kind of give him a little coconut oil bath like this and just all over sleeping is exhausted. He's getting a little more feisty. He's getting that sticky stuff off. Okay fine. Okay, no no lasting Just putting in getting oily so we didn't have that sticky stuff on him. Oh how can you kill this? Oh baby sorry that you're out Wally clean yourself off somewhere might be hard to see him in the light but I think he's happy to be free kind of exhausted covered in coconut oil or two just rocking them a little bit. Tell them it's okay pretty much sleeping knows how many hours he was trapped on that glue, struggling evening everybody keeping them warm to you got to make sure you can walk around okay and he's not getting stuck to anything. Give him a little bit of food must have been the most exhausting thing ever. I'm pretty sure he's sleeping. I can feel him twitching How you doing? Should I try and tell you a little bit areas got a lot of a thing to do. Found a little place to rest. Cody's cleaning up his hand putting the glue off He's trying to clean up some glue but he's just too tired. Honestly bringing the most something to eat. Think he's depressed. I think you need a bath. Starting to look nice and furry again. Want to make sure you're nice and clean your coconut oil and glue all over you. Yo, that was stressful. Moshi it's kind of an honor from the universe to hold an innocent creature in my hands and it falls asleep or even loosen my grip and it just crawled right back in to the towel and went to sleep. It's just so cute. Now that he's cleaned off, he needs to dry off. He needs to have more sleep. Nice to have some food and then have find a place to let him go. Thank you for keeping warm I'm awake. Picked up and then he was kind of awake and then just wanted to go back in again. It's not ready to come out yet yes as though had tucked in there and doesn't want to come out. He's awake. See you're running around a bit. Make sure you're strong second chance at life once on the ad before you goI've noticed I feel a little bit non social feel kind of blow around people like I don't know what to say. Or maybe I don't want to say anything. So maybe it's good to just talk to myself. So I at least have some kind of conversation. And I'm just reminding myself to be somewhat gentle on myself, because I am coming up with every day. And that's my main objective right now. Because if I can do that, if I can be off my medications, then that's huge. So that's the number one thing, and I'll probably spend another two and a half months in California. So I'm over halfway now, for sure. So I'm just going to do self dialogue, even though really out of the flow of it. So when I say map consciousness to myself, I'm talking about mania and psychosis. And that's how I created that acronym, Ania, and psychosis. But I like to create other possible words to go with that acronym. And I created one, meaning action potential. So the nervous system gets fired up with meaning. And when nerves fire, it's based on something called action potential, which is something to do with the difference of charge between the outer and the inner membrane, and then the charge travels along the nerve based on that. But in mob consciousness, it's an action potential of meaning. So the nerves aren't firing around me and the ego process, but around a different seeing meaning and making meaning and sharing meaning process. So meaning action potential. So the nerves are fired up with meaning and the meaning comes through the human nervous system, we actually are able to harvest the meaning by virtue of having the human body apparatus. So part of the self dialogue process is not waiting self dialogue, before I came to California, it was just a natural unfolding process that I did. And now I'm doing it to see if I can get back into that mind state. But also, I have the sense that I just want to talk about these things that I write down and catch up in a way, so I'm trying to catch up. So it's not really. So it's possible, it's not coming across in the same way, but it doesn't matter. Because this is more like brainstorming, than really picking out the bits that have the most meaning in a way. If I ever do share any of this and, and people in the mental health community or labeled people watch this, maybe certain ideas will catch on and certain other ones won't. And people might want to talk about certain things and other things. No. So this is more, creating a lot of different stuff, and not really placing value on it according to what I think is valuable to share. If I write it down, I most likely share it. And it's the opposite of what a lot of so called content creators, do they they really craft it and they really hone it down. And this makes it kind of funny and interesting because there'll be so much of it, that it'll be kind of random to see what happens instead of really some kind of intentional thing that I'm hoping for some kind of outcome. So I'm going to focus on coming off medication, self dialog, and rollerblading as well. And at some point, when I get over this ice cream craving phase, then perhaps I will start eating somewhat healthy. And maybe even these months away, eating healthy won't be my focus at all and I'll go back home and I'll need to get into shape and then I will share that process. SAS of losing quite a few pounds very quickly, I got a new program called g force visualizer. And when I started watching the visualizer, because it goes with iTunes, I had the sense that whoever wrote the program, the program code looks nothing like what this visualizer actually does. It's all these awesome visualizations going along with the music, but the actual coding for the program, if we read that, and looked at that, and had a book of that, it would be completely uninteresting to us. So there's this programming language run through a computer creates this visualization. And in a way, it's feels like this language that we're looking for the fundamental, whatever of the universe is so different from what that creates. That language run through the human body creates this whole world, as we change the shape of the planet as human beings. Yet, we're looking for something that if we found it probably would be completely uninteresting, and, and jibberish, and we're trying to find this beautiful, elegant thing. But without the actual apparatus without say, the human body, or some kind of life. There the language is, is useless. And it probably would just look like coding in a book, it would look like the, just like with the music on the visualizer, you get this really cool visualization, to watch and enjoy. But the code alone or without the music without the life, it's just not that interesting. It's just a bunch of coding. And I really want to connect with people that share some of these meanings, or share in the meaning making process and unfolding meaning. One thing I'm learning about being here is that it's actually a little bit difficult to exist for a long period of time among people who don't share the context of having some sort of mental health crisis, because I find that there's a much higher chance to talk to people that just speak the same language. And before some kind of crisis, oftentimes, we have a meet. And often in map consciousness or so called mania, we connect with a meaning more state. So we're making more meanings, we're seeing more meanings, and a lot of them. And I feel if more of us were connected to more meanings and making more meanings, we wouldn't need people going into crises to more of this meaning more, or if life was more meaning more, we say meaningful, but I like meaning more. And when our senses are all activated, we begin to create laughter. So when I go home, I might want to focus on laughter, and health. When I was watching a talk, a couple of weeks ago, there was a group of people and somebody said, on their slide something something something and I will give an example of this in five minutes. And just the way they said that everybody laughed, everybody got it yet. It wasn't even funny, but it was and it was so subtle, but most people laughed. And that fascinates me because everybody has to get this thing at the same time. And it's funny how that many people found it funny. I don't know. It's, it's bizarre. And I used to do a lot involving laughter. And I've barely done any in the self dialog, which is kind of crazy. And I'm hoping that I'll get some of the serious stuff out of my system and move on to something different, this could just be the very beginning. And map consciousness is energy that's like a lubricant. It lubricates gestures. it loosens us up. It lubricates the stale, constricted ego and gives us access to more degrees of freedom. So in a way A personal crisis is like ego, lubricant. And I wonder if some of these memes might help to set some of my friends free, free to at least begin to make meaning, again for oneself. And seeing that making meaning for oneself, has nothing to do with right and wrong. And I probably talked about how map unlocks hidden potential, but then it seems to at some point retreat. And I wonder what will allow that map consciousness to unfold without retreating? And I think the answer is love. Because love has to hold and behold the somewhat craziness for a while. And I wrote down that the environment is the agent outside the brain that causes these phenomena. And I don't know what I was referring to. But I think I was referring to how somebody was talking about out of body experiences where people will actually be out of their body and looking at their body, from in front of them or beside them. And they're trying to artificially recreate this by probing people's brains in laboratories, and I think they have done it. And so they're saying, Well, if you can poke the brain, and it happens, it's just a phenomena of the brain. But then I wrote down the environment causes these phenomenon in a way. Some people have this out of body experience when say, they're in a car accident or something. So it might be a folded up potential in the brain, but it unfolds when necessary. If somebody needs to view their body from outside the body, in some kind of experience where the body is experiencing really extreme trauma in a car accident, well, then that's when it happens, that's when the brain unfolds to create that possibility. So just because one can poke a brain, and that happens, probably every potential thing is folded up in the brain. And if you find the right place to poke, it'll happen but the universe can poke us to, it can be the thing that causes that phenomenon to unfold, and everything is folded up in the brain. And just because we can poke it doesn't mean that there's not a congruent actuality, in reality where those things happen. Just because it is in the brain doesn't mean that that's what causes it or that's what it's used for. And that energy of map consciousness moved me into a different reality. So it's one thing to be outside the body looking at oneself, but it's another to be in the body, but in a different reality, overlapping with the one that everyone shares. So there's so many different things that the brain can create, and reality with the brain. acting together, I was thinking about thought, and how I feel like thought circulates in our brain, because we're not learning. So when we're seeing and learning we're not thinking about, but we're in direct contact. So when we're not learning, it's almost like the brain is dead in a way. And when it's dead, the thoughts sort of swirl around the dead tissue. Kind of like how ants will swarm around a dead insect on the ground. It's because dead if it was alive, the ants wouldn't swarm around. So I feel like thought feeds on dead or inactive brain tissue. Or it's a phenomenon that arises when the brain isn't moving continuously with the present moment. It's as if we move through the universe, and the brain moves as we move through the universe instead of moving in opposition, which means brains not moving quietly with the moment. And then thoughts start because the brain isn't with the moment. And when there are thoughts, the brain isn't with the moment. So it's sort of a reciprocal relationship. And so the brain isn't really living and thought It isn't a living thing. So it's an appearance of living. So when we're caught in thoughts, we appear to be living, but our brain isn't really living so. So we look like we're living and we are living in a sense, but the brain isn't living our, our bodies are going through reality much like animals would. But what's interesting, I feel like there's a new evolutionary phenomenon, instead of natural selection is called manic selection. So a manic brain would select for different meanings, then the ones that have been brought into predominance in society. And if enough manic brains can move into that as a reality, then that would shift reality as manic selection. I feel like manic eyes change natural selection, because manic eyes perceive differently and select for different meanings and things. And when we're in that mode of perception, we actually get to the edge of reality, the edge of perceptible reality, because we see reality based on our conditioning and the stories that we're told. So if we go to a place where we're seeing different stories of how things could work, we eventually bump up against the end of the world in a way. And we often feel like it is a doomsday place. But really, it could actually kind of be the end of the world in terms of the story, we get to the end of the story in the trajectory of the consensus world, and it conflicts with the meanings that we're able to see and make with manic perception and manic eyes. And so it feels like we're at the end of the world. But really, we couldn't be at also the beginning of this other world, which has different meanings, which could actually just be a co creative world, realizing that we're creating the world with how we perceive and act and moving forward with the right meanings, which we have to continue to perceive moment to moment by really being in contact with this living thing that we are. And I feel that's part of thought as the brain is not in contact with itself. And the other morning I was sleeping in and I could feel and see my brain trying to work things out. It's sort of like when you can work on a problem subconsciously, but usually we're not aware. But sometimes we can be aware of we're half asleep or half dreaming or whatever. And I had the sense that it's not that I'm trying to figure stuff out, as in this me. But the human brain is trying to figure something out the human brain, we all have the same human brain, drop the conditioning, drop the memories, we have the same human brain and is trying to figure stuff out. But we have all this conditioning and memories overtop of it, which is messing up its processing of, of life. And I could just really see that the brain, I was there sort of aware, but I wasn't doing it. The brain was trying to figure something out or wonder about something or calculate something. And it was really interesting to watch. And realize that this has nothing to do with me. And I feel like we have gotten to the edge of reality. I feel like when we connect with those new meanings, or the meaning making process itself, and we see all these old meanings as meaningless. It really feels scary because we're so invested in it. And it feels like death to to let go of that. And I think it's hard for most of us to let go. And somebody mentioned the work of Daniel Dennett and I think he talks about memes. And he said that language undergoes natural selection. I think his work probably relates to this process somehow, but I haven't read it. It's impossible to read everybody's work. But I feel like the language of us, Mannix is being suppressed by the unnatural selection of the pathologizing process. So there's this unnatural selection of language because we go into this language making language, creating, playing with language, unfolding new meaning state. And we're told that it's a meaningless mental illness, and to not really go into it or think about it, it's just symptoms. And so to me, there is this language trying to arise through us as human beings, because we need new forms of communication of the world isn't going to go to hell. And so using the language, not as me, is being suppressed. And we need to learn how to communicate, not as the me because that's what happens when we go into that state, we don't really have a me as much. So it's difficult to navigate. So we need to create new language and meanings together, that creates that herd immunity against psychiatry. And I feel like meaning can come through us and we don't need a me, the me is what blocks meaning. So there's no need for a self. So in a way, the self dialog is actually selfless dialogue or no self dialogue, because if I'm only thinking in terms of the me, I wouldn't be able to say 90% of this stuff, because that's probably the proportion that isn't directly related to me. And I think that's part of the reason why I find it difficult to converse, is that most conversations are based on me and it's sometimes difficult to talk that way. If I was to talk about my knee, I would probably talk about coming off medications and things like that. And it's not a conversation I want to have with people right now.The property of the brain? Well, it's not new. But it's something beyond just the usual thought, consciousness. And I wonder, how do we create this emergent property of the brain, a lot of money is spent suppressing it, when people go into so called mania and psychosis, and then there's the people on the other end that are trying to help people learn how to get into flow states, and charging the money for it. And how do we create it? How might people who go into those states of consciousness and don't necessarily want to create created and surf that wave of consciousness? I think part of it has something to do with discontent, in that, when we go into the so called recovery process, we're told in a way, what values of society we are to re ascribe to and to work towards fitting into that, like getting a job, or volunteering or living on one's own and things like that. But can we see what we saw in those states of consciousness and what might work better for us and move towards that, and even allow those states of consciousness to come back. And if we're creating in alignment with that, then maybe that energy is served and surfed, and we don't have to feel turf. And I wrote down that words can direct our attention, in that we can think, focus on our breathing, and then we focus on our breathing, or attention can direct words. So if we're aware of the vast visual field, and we have so called choiceless, awareness, then that choiceless, ness picks that thing, and we might speak based on that. So in that way, attention directs the words instead of words, directing attention. And someone mentioned that the brain is blind to itself. So we can't feel our own brain. Or we can't see our own brain, the brain can't see itself. But in a way, in map consciousness, the brain is seeing itself, it's seeing all the activities that it does and what those activities are doing. And that's one of the reasons why in math consciousness, we get freaked out because we can see what the brain is doing and what it does. Whereas Usually, the brain is oblivious to how its activities in such things like thought, are actually participating with reality and, and changing it in a way or having effects. Even as much as directing our perception of where we're looking, because we're judging something. So it has an effect. And then we think that's just how it is. And we don't sense that it's having an effect. We just think that's me, that's, that's my life. That's how it is. But when map consciousness comes in, there's this layer of awareness of seeing what those processes are doing. And then it gets scary. Because we think, Well, I'm not even in control. It's just happening. But that's the same thing that's happening all the time. We just don't have that awareness of it. We don't have the ability to see what it's doing. So map consciousness shows us. It gives us that ability to perceive what all the minds mechanisms are doing in terms of thinking, thoughts, words and actions and how it's directing that end. What that's creating, and it's scary. And usually, in mania, we have a time of freedom from that whole process when we feel quite free and fluid and when the separation again, dissipates in that now we don't feel the self as the self. We just feel it as what is and Then. And in the talks I was listening to, there's a lot of talk about control. We want to control things. And why do we want to control versus play or be artful? We can think of playing the game of life or controlling the game of life. And controlling isn't really a good game. Why do we live life so much to control? And someone mentioned that, it's important to have no goals to have no mind wandering, I think it was Thomas metzinger. And then we have contact with the moment when we have no goals. So I'm glad that there's no goal with this self dialog process. And could be one of the reasons why I'm finding it difficult to start any other kind of process, because everything else seems like a goal. like writing something or, or almost anything. And I don't know, if my brain works on goals. I feel like part of this process is learning what faculties of the brain are diminishing, like goals and memory and things like that, and, and really going into losing those instead of trying to hold on and maybe have some kind of feeling that perhaps it's bad, to lose those perhaps if it's really lost, if goals are really lost, if memories really lost, maybe there's some other factor that comes in that is infinitely more interesting. And I feel like I talked before about how Thomas metzinger said that the self model ends when it becomes opaque, meaning it's seen as a model. But then the question is, well, who is sees this, who sees this as a model, then there's got to be some other level of seeing. And I think this is what I was talking about a little bit when I was talking about map, and how you can see the machinery of thought and what it's doing. And it's scary. It's scary to that level of seeing that sees this, there is seeing that can see this. And it has nothing to do with this self. And I think that's part of the map consciousness is it has nothing to do with the self. It requires a breaking down of the self. And the self has no role in whether or not it's going to break down. So there's nothing we can really do. We can just watch, there's a witness, there's a witness. So yeah, in mob consciousness, the map, the perception, sees the self as a model. And a dangerous one sees what that self model is doing. I'm jumping all over the place, because I've become quite disorganized with the process. think that if somebody was really patient, they could reorganize all the videos into some kind of semi coherent story. But it goes all over the place as it is, and it's not supposed to be linear. And that's probably how the universe works, too. But we just don't know it because we're so stuck in linearity until we go into something like map consciousness, and then we understand how it's not, or at least experience that we don't quite understand how that's possible. But it is, and the brain makes it possible. So to do with how we see the workings of thought, in map consciousness in that way, we're more identified with the witness. There is a witness that is witnessing all of this. But we become identified with thought and think that's what we are, and think it's real. And we don't see it for the machinery that it is. We don't see thought because we think it's the me and when we go into consciousness, there's a witness That's witnessing this me process. So we see that we're not that. But then we feel out of control in a way because thought is normally operating and controlling us. Yet we think we have control. But when we're in mob consciousness, we see we don't have any control that that mechanism is a controlling mechanism, and it's out of control. And so the brain sees the thought process. So there is another element beyond thought. And we're waking up to that other element in map consciousness. But in a way, that energy isn't strong enough in the collective to really cause the thought structure to just fully diffuse and dissolve. So map consciousness, in a way is a process of dis identification. It shows that life is in control, life starts to be in control and not thought, and life starts to be lived through us instead of thought, living through us. So it's life energy, living through us instead of thought energy. And in a way life isn't in control. Life is life. We wouldn't say life is in control of ants, answer life. But for some reason, we have thought in control of us. And perception, that witness is always in contact with that reality beyond thought, there's always that witness there. But we're not. While we live out our lives in suppose it free well, until the witness comes in and witnesses what this so called free will is doing. And that witness element is part of us. And we see it too, and it freaks us out. And I wrote down, life can't be controlled by a program. So in a way, thought is the programming language, which we pass between each other, and perpetuate. So we breed thought, and it's a programming language, which isn't life. And life can't be programmed, yet, if thought is sort of using us, and life overall can be programmed, life will turn against us. And in a way, that's part of what map consciousness is doing, it's turning against the thought programs. And that's why I don't buy into recovery. Because so much of it is, let's shove people back into the valleys of society, that conditioning of society when mob consciousness saw the dangers of all of that. So if there's an element of the brain, that's all the dangers of that yet, we're always moving back towards that, because we're being told to the brain is always going to eventually get scared. And someone in one of that talks that theoretical knowledge does not change, deep consciousness. And when I heard that, I was thinking, map consciousness does change, deep consciousness, we're all trying to find something that will change, deep consciousness, and a lot of us come into contact with that. But we're basically robbed of that process. And we're giving wrong interpretations and me to fear it in this culture. And actually feel like this is the start of the peer potential project. I've talked about that. And this is my meaning action potential. It's the action of the meanings that I've made through this process and in reference to this process, and hoping that others will do the same. And I was thinking about how it's just a world of different meanings. So one is in a state of seeing different meanings, clashing with a world of old meanings, and it's difficult to balance both. And then we usually fall back into the old meanings and have to take medication to suppress the new meanings. And I feel like there's no self there's just wrong meanings or ascribing meanings to a center or self or how most of the meanings we make are in reference to a self that isn't there or isn't real. So of course, it feels meaningless. And then we're we're making meaning without reference to a self It's full of meaning. But that's not the way the world works. That's not the algorithm of the world. Imagine if what was valued, had something to do with meaning, as opposed to the values of today that are causing such tragedies in the world. And I feel like the mental health system changes the map self model, into a self model of mental illness. And self dialog works to change that self model into perhaps a meaning making self model. And part of what makes map scary is when one can see the mechanisms of one's own thoughts, and what they're doing. One can now read what other people are thinking and doing, because it's so machine like, and it becomes really scary. And I feel like the self is manufactured. It's more an entity of commercial as commercialism. And so can we unmanufactured itself by continually making meaning without reference to the self. I feel like in a way, if we're able to share context and make meaning, beyond right and wrong, we in a way share oneself, if we're just passing the meanings between us and sharing and having dialogue, not about me, and you and this person in that, but just about meaning in general. Then it's just oneself, there's no actual center there. And I wrote down that map, changes our perceptual hierarchy. It makes salient different things. So maybe, pleasure was top of the hierarchy before and it changes to seeing living things in the moment, and really being there with living things. For example, and there was mention of rationality and reason and how it wasn't around in the dark ages. So in a way, there were the Dark Ages, and then all of a sudden, it developed that the brain had this capacity for rationality and reason. And then that was treated as the top capacity, the most valued thing. But in a way, right now we're in Dark Ages again, in other ways. And there could be a new capacity in the brain trying to come in, beyond rationality and reason. And I think this is part of what's happening in map consciousness, is that energy and consciousness is experimenting with bringing other perspectives and ways of understanding and, and using the brain. It's being used by thought and suppose it rationality and reason and look at the world. So it's a dark age, for sure. And I think something else is trying to come in. And who knows if rationality and reason didn't arise, and kind of this strange way that at first seemed kind of irrational. Maybe when that first came in, people thought, what the heck everyone that had, say, faith in religions and things, thought rationality and reason was evil. And in the same way, it seems like rational, reasonable people think this new energy that's coming in, they're not even seeing it that way. Is, is bad. But it's something different. It's something new. And it doesn't exist in the majority, just like I'm sure rationality and reason didn't exist in the majority of brains at first. But now, people are raised in rationality and reason. Whereas maybe that was something that was acquired later on in life. So we'll just like now, people are growing up in rationality and reason. And then they lose their minds and appear to be crazy or something. But really, this could be rationality and reason, breaking down in a way. Just like maybe people back in the day were raised in some kind of religious consciousness and then they He saw that, hey, these things that people are saying to me these beliefs people are giving to me don't make sense. And if I do these certain experiments, I can show some sort of rationality and reason against those things. Well, the brain and map consciousness for people who have experienced it could say, from their own experience, whoa, there's something beyond rationality and reason like holy crap, and know from personal experience. But how do you talk about that, which is beyond rationality and reason to those who are rational and reasonable, and how you talk about something beyond in that other language of rationality and reason, because it doesn't make sense, according to that. But people would likely say that these brain states are something less than rationality and reason. And I don't think that's true. Maybe it's just to bring new light to rationality and reason and not necessarily get rid of it, there's still a place for that for sure. And a lot of map consciousness has to do with less emphasis on the autobiographical self. And I feel that's part of why I have trouble socially is that I'm not that interested in the autobiographical self. And the self, in a way is an appearance. And I wonder if there were five people who got together who had no self, if something else would arise, sort of an emergent property of five people with no self, I feel like the energy of my consciousness in one person eventually leads to a person being diagnosed as crazy, because there could be at some point of five people around somebody who's in that consciousness, looking at that person saying, Wow, you seem crazy, I wouldn't take you to the psych ward. Whereas if that person in mad consciousness managed to be around five people, or four others, like themself, that energy might find some kind of coherence and create another type of human that can only happen if there's five people in that state. And I think that's part of the problem of mob consciousness as most people go through it in isolation. Whereas if there were five people in it, together, passing the meaning together, and really thinking together, not as a me as a self, but as just one entity, then that would have a ripple effect. But when we're isolated like this, and even using our energy to, say, fight, psychiatry, or the system, which is one thing, but it's detracting us and distracting us from what this energy is trying to do. And if that energy can do that thing, whatever it is, we don't know, because it would take five people in that space to do that thing, then there would be no need to fight psychiatry, because it would be like the proof of the reason, like when reason became self evident, right now that energy, whatever it's trying to do, it's not self evident, because there has to be five no selves, to make it self evident, are evident to themselves and spread the no self perspective. So just like we have an appearance of our self, within our consciousness, there might be an appearance of something else completely a totally different faculty, a totally different algorithm, a totally different transparent model. Right now we have the self transparent model, or the transparent self model. So there might be a transparent, non self model. But it might actually need the space of several people working together to maintain that energy and almost create a protective sphere. And it could almost be like a puzzle. It's not complete until you have a certain number of pieces. And this energy might need a certain number of people to really take hold Because it goes with the fact that it's not a personal thing has nothing to do with me. It's not for personal. Suppose it enlightenment or anything like that it's something to do with humanity as a whole. So the self is an appearance of the movement of thought. So thought wasn't moving, if it was still, if it was, in a zero state, there would be no self. So what is there in a movement of this energy, of map consciousness, when it's moving through not just one brain, but through five brains than what appears. And in a way map consciousness releases us from the wrong meaning, we've attached to the self, which isn't really there. And, and then we're in the flow of meaning and not the flow of thought, which creates the self. So the flow of meaning creates something other than itself. I think it creates a living being who wants to connect, it's back to that altruism, of seeing that we're all one. And not just in words, but actually. And the human brain wants us to get with the right meanings. So people who go into the meaning making state are attempting to get in alignment with the right meanings, and bring those back. So actually, the next age could be the age of meaning. It was the age of reason, and rationality. And now, we need some meaning behind this rationality, because there's a lot of rational things that are meaningless or are destructive. And in a way, it's hard to survive going into that meaning making domain because we come back down to this level of reason in order to bring back the meaning. But unfortunately, we are infused with wrong meaning and seen as crazy when really, we've connected to that next level of meaning. And when we come back down to the level of reason, we seem a little bit crazy, because we're saying meanings that have not yet taken hold of this meaningless, irrational world. I think that's really important. The meaning versus the reason. And I feel like wrong, meaning destroys the brain. All the thoughts in our head that are pretty meaningless. Cause the brain to shrivel up. It's not really flowing. It's not flowing with meaning that's flowing with thought. And that's repeating. And this is the human brain talking. The human brain speaks a language of meaning right now it speaks a meaningless language and it needs meaning. Think about how, when people in their life often it's because they don't have a reason to live. So they're saying, well, I need a reason. But they can't find any reason. Because there's no reason that can be good enough for a life to be good. And one might say, well, life is meaningless. Well, we need some kind of meaning. We need meaning and we don't if we add one meaning and might be enough, and I don't think there could be any reason that would be good enough. We need meaning, not reason. I don't think that made sense. But it kind of made sense in my brain. And that's all that matters.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

My brain has shifted back into noticing beauty rather than bipolar 'symptoms'

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 2, 2021 237:08

So it's interesting how much difference a couple days can make. I feel like something shifted in a good way. And I don't know if it was doing some self dialogue the other night two nights ago I didn't do any yesterday I ended up going to the hot springs. And I also haven't had any Cinnamon Toast in three days. And I've been doing bulletproof coffee and I've been sleeping a bit better. And I've gone down to one quarter of a Seroquel. I was on a quarter before but it's hard to cut them into exact pieces so I was on bigger pieces. So they were more than a quarter was probably more like a third. So now I've been on a quarter for a day or two and still taking the Hardy nutritionals so I'm not sure what's making the most difference but I think all of it together is making a little bit of a difference. This morning I rescued some mice. They were just on the floor and they were just babies they didn't even run away. And I I'll include a bit of the footage. All the kids little whiskers are touching. And then after lunch, I just came outside because it was raining. And just started taking pictures with my macro lens of some of the flowers and some of the flowers with water droplets on them. Because usually here it's not raining so it was a different scenery. And to me, that feels like my brain shifted back into noticing beauty. And I was talking a lot about that. And then I sort of stopped the self dialogue process, and then seemed to get worse, I don't know, I haven't really watched those videos to see for sure. But it feels like stopping that self dialogue in the dialogue with nature wasn't necessarily a good idea. And then as soon as I started having self dialog again, and then I go outside, I just naturally start looking at the different flowers and how there's water on them and, and looking outward and looking at the beauty again. So that was an interesting experiment without trying to really do an experiment, I thought I was just going to stop the dialogue process, because just talking about stuff didn't really seem it seemed like not a good use of time, or, like I was saying the same thing over and over again, without knowing it. Whether or not that's true, I think it seems like just keeping my brain in that dialogue state is important, because as soon as I put myself back into it by just sort of doing some self dialogue, in a very uninspired way. But as soon as I did 20 minutes of self dialog, then all of a sudden, I was writing down new insights, that maybe not new, but they feel new. So I think the point is to stay in that process of having insights. And one might be thinking, Oh, well, that seems old. But it's still new at that moment. So keeping the brain in that state of newness is the important part. And I can see how that goes on in actual life. It's like, going into another dimension altogether. I feel, not 100% better, per se. But I feel like my brain is just in another dimension. It's not in that dimension, that I allowed it to recede into, which is all about ego me and coming off medications. And I wasn't even trying to make it about that. But it's more like, by not engaging this other part of the brain than the natural momentum of the brain is to go back to ego consciousness. It's like, this passive state, it's like this inactive state, this habitual state. And if one isn't actively aware and present, and putting one's energy into perceiving in the moment, and having insight in the moment, maybe writing them down, then it's difficult to stay in that state. And that might be one of the ways that a person who goes into map consciousness or transconsciousness, or an omni polar brain can stay in these other places, which is a place of perception, it's a place of higher awareness, and higher just in terms of being of a different quality, and dimension than the ego. And this makes sense with all the stuff I was talking about regarding how coming down from AB consciousness, we have to go through the ego process in those lower states of consciousness. And that sort of reconnects us to consensus. Well, there can be a mini version of that. When one is an experiencing highs and lows of emotions, one can still be experiencing different areas of the spectrum of consciousness, just by virtue of how one's perceptual apparatus is functioning. Is it functioning in association with relating everything to this illusory me ego? Or is it just seeing the beauty in the moment and recording it's almost like being a scientist or a researcher or philosopher of the moment? Not Oh, I go too much. Job nine to five, and then I do this work, but it's like work in daily life always working to perceive the actual end and recorded and sort of make it known in a way. Because there's definitely a richness there. Whereas when I was in the other state, there was no richness. So I'll keep capturing beauty, I'll probably forget again at some point. Because the thing is that when one isn't rooted firmly in the ego state, and I don't seem to be, and I don't even know if that's true, per se. See, I forgot what I was saying. But one seems to forget what one is even doing, because it's a non doing state that does something without a Dewar's. So it's kind of almost like starting again all the time. Because there's no entity there, there's no image to accumulate more images and, and sort of fill the brain up with memory. One needs to forget everything in order to see things afresh. And then they feel really rich. Instead of needing more and more and more, the richness of perception can pick out something rich each moment in any moment, and it's not an accumulation. So even if I think I'm trying to do something with the self dialogues, I really am not. And I feel like now I see for sure that this self dialog is important to keep my brain in that state, if I was in a place where I was having lots of dialogue, then maybe I wouldn't need to intentionally have dialogue with myself to put myself in that state of dialogue. Because as soon as my brain is in this state of dialogue with myself, it's then in dialogue with nature, and with daily life. And that's often how we feel when we're in so called mania is we can just talk to anybody, we can talk about anything in the moment, and doesn't matter what it is, we don't necessarily have an agenda. And that could be part of the trouble that at some point, in mania, we feel like we have an agenda, or we have a mission, or we have to do something or there's something special we're supposed to do. And that actually creates this sort of manic ego. But if the whole part about trying to do something, the motive, which is the ego can be dropped, then maybe it's something altogether different. Because that energy isn't trying to do anything in particular. And when we try to use that energy to do something in particular, that's the ego because it's picking out something from memory. So if we don't keep score, if we don't think I did this good thing, and now I'm going to do that good thing. And now I'm going to do that good thing. If it's just dropped in each moment, and it doesn't accumulate. It might not get out of hand. Because motive is from the past. And perception does not require motive. And it actually can only happen if there is no motive because a motive is a projection. And it's going to interfere with direct perception. It's saying like I know what to do with this moment. Which is the ego So it could be helpful for us, Mannix to see this mechanism that distorts what that energy is trying to do. It wants to see. And the moment will tell us what to do with that energy, which might not have anything to do with any prior moment. So instead of doing with the ego projects, we do what vision sees in the moment, and then not ascribe that to me. Because if we use that energy, which is pretty powerful, to create more of an image of ourselves to puff up a bigger me, then that might be part of what causes us to fall so hard. Cuz in normal ego consciousness, we kind of go up, we go down, we go up, we go down. And it's manageable in our emotional states. But if we go into manic consciousness, and use that energy to create a bigger me, even if we think we're doing that, to help the world, it's going to be a bigger and harder fall. So maybe helping the world is not trying to help it at all. We don't see what we're doing. And that's what's creating problems in the world. And by just trying to do more, do something different, it's still part of that pattern of trying to do something when that energy wants us to see what we're doing, and see something else. So for now, I probably can just have dialogue with myself. and not worry about the repetition. But just seeing that this process of making half an hour or an hour video a day, keeps my brain in that state. And it's like exercising that if I don't do a certain exercise, ever, and then one day I do it way beyond my capacity, it's going to hurt. Whereas if I do little bit day, by day, by day, it just keeps that going. It's almost like cardiovascular exercise for different areas of the brain. It's putting oxygen and blood supply in an area of the brain that is activated when one has dialogue. Which who knows where that is exactly, but I feel like it definitely keeps the circulation going in certain part of the brain. And, and having insights and writing them down, that creates circulation in a certain part of the brain. So what's really important is this insight, this intelligence that can have insight that has nothing to do with the ego. And all of our brains have that capacity. And I don't even know if that's what this is exactly. It seems to take on a life of its own when I go back into that. And maybe because I've done it enough, it's it's available, like learning to ride a bike and then not riding a bike for 10 or 20 years and then being able to just get on the bike and do it and that sort of like having that dialogue blueprint in the brain. So it's important to keep that conversation going from the other state. This state of insight the state of die I log this other form of learning and intelligence. And I can see that the trouble with getting labeled and drugged is it really turns off that capacity. And that capacity is what we gained through the states and sort of lose the very thing that we gained, which was our brain really being on and open to learning and seeing could really see clearly and then to have that blocked and taken away. It's almost like having our eyes taken out in a way. So there could be a way to reactivate that dialogue, intelligence state in the brain. Just by having dialogue with oneself and with other people. I feel like this is something the world wants us to do is have this conversation and have this dialogue about what this energy is trying to bring about. Right now, it's seen as personal mental illness, but I don't see it that way. I see it in the evolution of consciousness framework. And I experienced being in those lower states and the ego states and of me and and it wasn't energetic, it was heavy, it was awful. And that again shows me that that's the product of those states of consciousness. And these are explanations and these aren't beliefs, their meanings, their possibilities, their memes, their dialogical DNA. It's experiential Omni polar poetry. I think part of this other way of living that Krishna Murty talks about is this dialogical state of consciousness. It's a different way of speaking and seeing and perceiving and acting. And I think that's what that energy is trying to bring in when people go into map consciousness. It allows the brain to see these other possibilities and capabilities and capacities. Not the me to see it the brain. So I can see when that ego state isn't in operation. It's something else altogether.Sometimes there's a torrent of water. Sometimes there's nothing. I'm still feeling pretty good. qualitatively different, for sure. And I didn't mention yesterday that it was my birthday, I totally forgot. And it was so nice to not spend a birthday in the psych ward. Remember last year I was taken out for dinner by family members and we went to a restaurant and then had some dessert, I had some kind of pie or something. And after I ate the pie, my gums went numb. And I felt like I was somebody who was self medicating with some kind of illegal drug. That numb feeling on the gums people can get I just had this sense. And I had the sense that I had overindulged, and I was afraid, and I didn't quite feel like myself. It was kind of scary. So I wasn't altogether better at that point. But I was still on that medication that made me feel worse. So I'm not surprised. rocks on the wall to hang from. It's really interesting, because I wanted to find a tree to hang from just to improve my grip strength a little bit and arm strength and stretch my joints a little bit and gravity. I'm heavy. And a couple hours ago, my first day after turning 35 I found a gray hair. It's right. There it is. suit. I see. But that's there's got to be more. But that's, that's the first one that I've officially found. So I'm officially aging, which I was already but now those things are going to be popping up like mad. A few years ago, I decided to stop dyeing my hair because it wasn't gray. So I may as well just not color it. And now, I will again start to color it at some point. So I've been having a few insights and writing it down. Unlike the however many days prior. We're not engaging in that process. It just sort of stops. But the good thing is it can just be started up again. And I'm not sure if that's what helped to shift me. But I really think that's part of it. I was thinking about how this process allows us again to come up with our own perceptions. Like we might in childhood, we might see something and give voice to something about how we perceive it. And it's not necessarily true, but it's part of learning and it's fun. So can we come up with our own perceptions and that energy of mania or maybe I'll start calling it magic. It's an energy that allows us to come up with new perceptions or have new perceptions and then give voice to them or not give voice to them. And possibly part of it is starting to learn what to give voice to and what not to. So we might have a perception but it might not be something that is good to give voice to And Either way, it's not necessarily good to attach any of them to the me, the perception is rich, because it's an absence of the me. So instead of having this ego sense through which we sense it, interpret everything that is decreased. And we're in touch with all of our senses. At the same time, which isn't just five senses, it's every cell in our body has a sense. So we can be in communication with that to some extent. And the thing is, when that sense communicates with us, whether it's a cell or all ourselves are certain sense, this information, when we sense it, there's some kind of organization that happens that gives voice to something, so we can give voice to it. Or we can use it to identify and create more of a me ego structure. If I feel like I thought of that, or I came up with that, there's this ego sense that strengthened, but when it's just words, like it's just giving voice to something that was seen or perceived or felt, it's giving voice to all those other senses, as opposed to just the opinions and the judgments and everything that one has absorbed and remembered throughout life. So instead of speaking as a memory, we're speaking as perceptions and senses in the moment. And at first, that's very intense. But over time, we can learn to understand that more. So every time this flux and flow and, and changing energy of consciousness happens, we can learn, and it could be some kind of accelerated learning, because it's like being immersed in it, and there's no escape. Whereas if it was just this gradual, little thing, then the ego was comfortable with the gradual learning, because it can only gradually absorb so much information and, and collected around the center of the me. And that's this slow process of sound retrieval. Now, when we're in touch with the light of perception, that light of all the senses, combining together will then produce sound maybe, or produce action, it will produce something that is adequate for the moment, because it is the impression of the moment not sound being projected out to meet the information, which is light information, but all the senses, but it blocks all those senses by meeting it with the ego partiality, meeting life with our partialities. So in a way, the mental health system is the perception of police. It is some kind of intervention that comes in and stops this learning process of learning in the moment as the moment and being in touch with all of our senses, and, and pushes us back to the limited perception of the ego. I feel like part of the trouble is that during this transition period, where one is in partial ego and partial holistic sensing is that the holistic senses get translated into the ego. Because that's the language we speak, inside and outside. So then it's kind of muddled up. And that could be another benefit of self dialog is just speaking as these perceptions and not really muddling in the ego. So then, if the energy intensifies, then we have a bit more sense of, of what's happening, or we can understand those translations. When I had that terrifying energy, wake me up as I was falling asleep about a month ago, when I jumped out of bed. I had this faint sense of oh my gosh, I have to kill myself or oh my gosh, I'm gonna hurt myself. Even though I wasn't actually in that behavior pattern, I wasn't going to do that. But it was just this very faint, like a memory of that pattern related to that terror, but not strong enough to actually make me do anything just kind of noticed that it did make me take a Seroquel to make sure it stopped. And perhaps I could have waited it out and seeing if it just stopped on its own. But I didn't do that yet. But that might be the next step. And because when I had the full blown crisis in January, and I said, Well, the next step is to try to get it before it turns full blown. And I think I might have done that this time. So the next step, it's almost like a step backwards, because it's actually allowing to see if it's going to go full blown, which maybe I already know the answer, because I've already had it happen that way, a few times. But the difference would be maybe just going through it, and allowing it and then not taking the pill to see what happens. Which could be kind of scary. And I feel there's something with this whole fear thing. Like the fear that fear that terror of death is the ego being afraid. But it's not the ego being afraid it is the ego. So it's that coming back in or that trying to leave, I don't really know. Or if I can be with that fear and just watch the ego shrivel away. Kind of like that last scene in Fight Club when when the guy shoots himself in the face to kill his alter ego. And he's staring right at the alter ego. While he does that. And then the alter ego dies, it's sort of like using the light of attention and perception. To watch it just sort of implode upon itself and not take the body with it. Because it kind of is this energy that tries to take the body with it when it dies. So I am reducing my medications. Today, I will take another 75 milligram reduction of lithium. And so I'll be on 450 and I'll reduce the Seroquel. Well, I'll keep going with a quarter Seroquel and then reduce the trazadone tomorrow night by another eighth swell beyond three quarters of a pill of trazadone. And last three days, I'm feeling so much better, just less drugged. I think those drugs, they just create this state that goes along with one's posture and one's facial expressions and everything or lack thereof. And it's kind of scary. It definitely is this chemical prison, it's like this. It's like the ego tries to die to some respect and maybe just sort of atrophy and have these other senses come in. And it feels intense. Because it's new. It's something that we haven't really sensed since we were children. So already feel more freed up. And maybe it's partly because consciousness knows that these drugs are going to be on their way out of my system, hopefully. And the thing is, if it leads to some kind of crisis, I might just go through it without the meds. Because I've been on the meds and these crisis events still happen. So if I come off the meds and they haven't like, whatever, who cares? It's the same thing. I guess the only thing is that I could go into possibly being more up and down and set instead of being sort of stable. But how stable is it really if I keep having these distressing events? So yeah, I don't know if I said but the mental health system is the perception police. If we had different people who were in dialogue with us when We go into these meaning making states and hyper learning states and new perceptions and giving voice to something that is beyond us. And learning how to do that. Not getting back to the voice of the ego, which is the suffering and the struggling in the pain. This other voice is other perception is trying to break that. And that's partly why I've been in dialogue with myself to create this context. And I didn't really realize it. But this dialogue process is part of what that energy in the brain wants to create, it wants us to be in dialogue with everyone all the time, wondering, questioning, not thinking, knowing, judging opinions, which are all from the past, they're all from other people, and then we read something and then we're like, well, that's a good opinion, I'm going to hold on to that. We don't form anything of our own. And part of this perception process is forming something original and of our own, which isn't of our own, because it's actually a perception from the totality that we all share. So it's not even our own. It's the voice of guy, the voice of humanity, the voice of nature. And when that first starts, we first tried to learn that language, we sound like the equivalent of children who know English, but are speaking kind of gibberish. But eventually, through reading life and daily life, it starts to come together. Because we've been using language wrongly. And then when that breaks up, and we're starting to attempt to use language in a different way, not even really knowing what the right way is. Because if we knew what the right way is, we would do it. So it has to break up the old to bring in the new but in the meantime, we're at risk of being diagnosed with some kind of mental illness. And I think that's partly the reason why I feel like it's important to have dialogue with each other, and help each other to speak this other language, not just about, Oh, these are my symptoms, and this and that, but the meanings and perceptions that we have to help each other. Learn this voice reversal process, giving voice to what we see and sense and feel and perceive in the moment. And not the past interpretation of a small fragment of what it can see that is made salient from its conditioning. Why does the human brain collect sound. And I feel like if there isn't sound all crowded up in there, and the light comes in, and information, and, and the energy, and it's clear, and It impresses upon all of our senses. There's a computation that gives voice to something else. And it seems like it really does collect sound, because when we're in magic, when we're in my consciousness, transconsciousness and Omni polarity, we are spitting out bits, like they're coming out of our brain like popcorn. And so we're seeing some of that old stuff. And that's getting mixed in with the new stuff of perception. So we're not mentally ill or learning a new language, we're learning how to use language instead of be used by it. And I wrote down an insight. And I, again, don't know if it's true, just came into my mind. It's not that we get rid of the ego, because really who's going to get rid of it, the ego can't get rid of the ego. It's that the light of perception moves faster than the speed of sound of the ego. So the ego is going at the speed of sound like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if that light of actual perception of the present moment, hits our being, it's going to break down some of those sound structures because that perception is going to inject another voice. So if I'm going, blah, blah, blah, circles in my head with sound, and all of a sudden for some reason, I see something beautiful. And I look and even something like oh that's so beautiful comes to my head. That is a voice of the present moment. And that just inserted some sound from light of perception and information and created that and if I was walking With a friend, I might say, Look, that's so beautiful. So now I just pointed out something the perception picked up. And if our thought structures are very strong, then it's likely we won't even notice the beauty. And it's all around in every moment. And that is part of what brings out that structure of sound going on about the me that isn't even there. So we put all of our energy into that. And it's a waste, because it's nothing the birds like to fly through here. So when that light gets through those little spaces between the sounds of our thoughts and we see something that creates space for a voice of something else. And that can happen in an instant. And I think that's part of what happens in map consciousness is there's more of that space. And I feel like that energy that comes in, creates that space in the brain. Because the sounds and the thoughts are wasting the energy of the brain, and diverting into the prefrontal cortex and dopamine. But this energy that comes in has nothing to do with us. It's not personal. And it helps us to see life non personally, which is beauty, which is there, it's has nothing to do with me. But when all we can hear is the me, we can't be with that beauty, which is everywhere. And part of the main problem of the world I feel is that we're okay with sacrificing beauty. For the me. cut down the trees, we'll do all these things. And we can't even see the beauty of not even just the one tree or whatever, but the whole process of it. And in destroying that beauty, I actually feel and there's no way to prove this. That that is part of what creates more thoughts because thoughts aren't personal either, we just sort of pick up on them like, like antenna, people are thinking thoughts, and everyone has their own private mixture of thoughts. And I feel like the more nature's destroyed. If a trees cut down, it sends out more bad thoughts to human beings, because we're actually not separate. They've done studies where people walk in a room and chop up a plant in front of other plants. And then the same person comes back later. And the plants have some kind of electro or physiological reaction of some kind that they can measure. So when they're scared like that, we're scared. So if the plants are scared, if they can pick up on our fear, we can pick up on there. And there's a lot more plants out there than there are human beings. So we're wondering why all this chaos is happening like this. And it's because we're not separate from this, literally. And life is all the same language. we as human beings might speak English or Spanish or Japanese or whatever. But underneath that, those words that we've described meaning is the language life of gaiac consciousness of Gaia of the cosmos, that allowed language to evolve. So in the energy of Gaia, is all these languages that we created or whatever happened. But that came out of the total language. So we speak this partial language to human beings. But there's a total language from what you came and if, if we can't look at nature and under Stan that which we might be able to put a tiny fraction of that into English, and then maybe be able to communicate a little bit of that understanding. But even being able to communicate a little bit of the understanding isn't the language of Gaia, we could never get to the bottom of it. And we're translating it all into our language. So we have the language, English. But if we see a tree and translate that into paper, now we have translated that tree into human being, or human using human functioning. So we're transforming this whole complexity, this whole language, this whole gesture, this holistic life, entity into human being, or translating it into that, so it will retaliate with its own language, which is no earthquakes or whatever it can use to destroy human beings. And I don't think that it wants to destroy us, we're all the same, but it's just talking back, it's just saying hello. So we can see beyond the tricks of sound, the tricks of sound that produced this light image, engaging us. But as, as sunlight of the actual gets through that, as it gets through and creates this holistic perception, we give voice to something or we understand something, it breaks up all this light, cage misunderstanding of light and sound holograph phonic interference. And I've also seen that seeing and perceiving, give energy. understanding and learning and being with the moment, give energy. And I feel to just speaking as this other voice just using one's voice, not for personal interest in personal functioning, personal gain, the language of human using. It's a different language, it's the language of perceiving and wondering. And if we could speak this language, we wouldn't feel the need for all this mindless entertainment to shut up the ego because we'd always be learning from what is in the moment. And the voice we hear in our head is self talk, as they call it. When self dialog is self discovery, discovering things. Understanding learning, that repetitious thing is not that it's not understanding, it's not learning. He gets in the way. And I think this way of speaking, actually wakes up the brain and wakes up the brain by talking to it. Not having repeating tapes in it, brain is pretty much asleep. Just like we fall asleep at night watching TV while we fall asleep during the day, watching our inner TV, because it's on repeat, and we've seen it a million times. I think it wakes up the brain to perceive because it's meant for perception and not repetitious. yester sound deception. What a difference a few days can make my brain feels so much more fluid. I just made a pumpkin coconut banana smoothie with chia seeds and cinnamon.And then the magic forest water still running up here and see if I can find a pool to dip into think there's a call at the end. This is it. Oh yeah. This is why I feel so good. That's 30 degrees here and I practically ran the rest of the way. So this feels good. Soon, these schools will dry up here, so I have to take the opportunity. While I have the chance, while nature allows me to enjoy her beauty match magic. So I don't know if you can hear me because of the waterfall. I think listening to the waterfall is actually more important. But I walked all the way up here, it probably took about 45 minutes uphill, and around the end of it I was running. So I definitely have more energy. And I talked to the Hardy nutritionals people yesterday, and they said, wait until I feel kind of blah like that again before I reduce my meds. So I thought they said once a week, but they said keep going at the same dose until I again feel kind of overmedicated. And now I really know what that feels like because I was totally and then I just reduced by an eighth and I felt better so I guess that took the pressure off. So good. Yesterday I went to the hot springs again and sat in the hot springs and then went in the river and then sat in the hot springs and when the river that hot and cold therapy is as wonderful especially when it can be between a hot spring and natural hot spring and and a river much better than just changing the temperature in the shower. So I feel so lucky to be and one of the most beautiful places on earth. So it is possible it is possible for people with labels with diagnoses with these people, these professionals giving limitations and saying how life is going to be or how life might be. Or even now saying oh it could be pretty good. Well it can be really awesome. And right now my life is going between really awesome and really awesome place but not feeling super awesome in my body. But I at least feel hopeful that one day the two will match up that my body will feel good and the place I'm at will feel good as well. Maybe my body can feel even better than the place I'm at and pass that on and share that energy like it was when I was first in map consciousness might be time to dunk my head It's just me in the bugs. I was watching a video by Steve pavlina. He's doing a 30 day video series. Yesterday was 10 months of this video series. But I'm thinking of changing the anniversary date from June 20 have that as sort of like a kind of anniversary date. But when I looked, I really started making videos consistently when it was September 11. So I think that's more of like the consistent video day anniversary. And June 20th is sort of when I was doing a couple days here and there and doing numerous videos a day, but only on like four or five occasions within that first three months. So I'm gonna think of it as two different anniversary dates really. So June 20, will be a bit of a milestone and then September 11. So if you have a label, you too can be sitting in a river pool in paradise. And even if I'm here, and one day, I'm not thriving like this, that's okay, too. But at least to attempt to thrive is important to me. And I was thinking about how I needed safety and then self care and then attempting to thrive. So creating those safety plans and those safety gestures and safety devices and safety items that are a cue to me that I'm safe and that I'll be able to keep myself safe no matter what happens, say for myself, say from a psych ward say from psychiatry, even though I still use medications. I do so at my own discretion, not at somebody pumping them into me without my consent. And even against my consent, which I'm not okay with I'd rather risk the other things then. And work harder at keeping myself safe and allowing others to pretend to keep me safe. But really a lot of it is like torture. And they mean well and that makes it scary because they mean well and it's not okay. So I'm thinking of putting appear life coaching part on my blog, just to see what happens, see if people reach out and want to have a conversation just to do something. I've often thought that we as peers need some life coaches and people to help us get in touch with our potential not just get by, and not just drug ourselves and know when to drug ourselves and know when to drug ourselves more. No one we can take less drugs and I know like it's just so limiting and lame. And I think by focusing on Some of these other aspects, then it'll make life meaningful to the point where it's easier to manage those parts that do still need to be managed for now, until we can kind of shake off the chains. Maybe not all of us can shake off the chains, but the more of us that can, the more it shows it's possible, the more other people will attempt to thrive and shake off those shackles, this chemical prison. The water fleas are kind of cute. They're like bouncing around and chasing each other. So if anything, I want to help people bring out their potential. And I don't know if I do. The video by Steve pavlina was talking about when thinking about your purpose, think about the social aspect of it, who do you want to be in contact with. And I really love being friends with my peers. But I don't know if I actually want to work with them. In terms of charging money. I don't know if you saw the water fleas getting it on. Cancer I've ever seen that before. So the thing is kind of to test it out if I like working with people and just asking for gifts and kinds or something like that. And I also want to start the pure potential project, I think, as a social enterprise, to bring out potential so working with people and working together with people, and I really don't know what I'm doing, but I feel like something's got to get started. While I don't really feel like something's got to get started, but I'm feeling slightly inspired. Maybe it's that extra energy. Maybe it's coming off just a tiny bit of medications. I don't know. And I did make some notes and I'll talk about them when I'm not by this waterfall. As beautiful as it is. So yeah, maybe I could start talking more positive to actual people I've just been talking to myself but you could say anything's possible. Share your visions, we can live our dreams. Maybe don't share them with your clinician and your psychiatrist but share them with your peers and people who have the ears to listen. Oh and there are some dragon flies. I don't know if you can see but one has its but on the other ones head. Talk about head butting. So these videos are for myself and if anyone sees them to maybe be slightly inspired to make meaning and context for oneself again and and restore one's care for oneself. paradise. Map consciousness is dialogue and dialogue is unfolding meaning and we unfold meaning in that state, our brains are connecting with dialogue and wanting to share meaning with each other instead of be divided from each other based on ideals and beliefs. These altered brain states are part of the solution to the problem and it's made into a problem. The problem is lack of meaning and the brain goes into a meaning making state due to the lack of meaning or having one's meaning shattered. So I'm out of the pool now and ready to run back. Apparently, I have to watch out for rattlesnakes. pretty rare, but possible. There's a lot of Bidi bugs in here to see those things bite. Since I have some energy, I'm going to try to get outside more and just get in the habit of going for a quick walk or hike. Because I want that to translate when I do finally go back home. I want to be habituated to the outdoors and then not just stay inside, make an effort to go out and find somewhere beautiful to walk or hike. And also not be afraid because nature can be scary. But the more I spend time in it, the more I will not be afraid. can feel the bugs biting me everywhere. They're not very nice. The birth sounds so magical. Get off me. Well, I guess I should go. Let's run down the hill together.So I haven't talked to myself in a few days. And the last time I did, I was on a trail and in some nice pools and saying, live your dreams and all that fancy stuff. And the next day, I think it was, I slept 13 hours that night. And then when I woke up at like, 1115 I had something to eat. And then I was so tired, I went back to bed. And I slept for like three hours. And then I stayed in bed all day, I just didn't even feel like getting up. And since I felt so bad, I took 1/8 less of all my meds. And then the next day I woke up and I again slept like 12 hours, and then went back to bed and had a nap for like three hours. And then I just didn't get out of bed. And both days, I only ate breakfast. So I'm feeling less bloated. But I'm feeling still a little bit tired, but not really it's a weird feeling. And I feel really clear yet not really energetic and social or happy. I feel kind of like blah. So it seems like this will be a bit of a roller coaster ride. I've been on the Hardy nutritionals for a month now. And I'm guessing it's a bit of a rocky road. If I think about a few weeks ago, when I was feeling super drugged. I'm not feeling worse than that I'm just feeling different. And then yesterday before I fell asleep, when I was in bed around six o'clock, I noticed that I was starting to have sciatica, like pain. And it woke me up a couple times through the night and it made it hard to fall asleep because I couldn't get comfortable, there was no way that I could lay that would make this pain go away. And it's still with me today. And laying down doesn't help sitting isn't help standing might help a little bit. So I went for a walk even though I'm feeling a bit tired. And I'm just sitting here and sitting and it's not very comfortable to sit and the bugs here I got like so many bug bites I was so itchy my hands, my arms, my face. I think I just got another one there. And they put me on my face there and here and so he and in terms of self dialog, I again got disconnected with the process. And I don't think that's good. I was gonna do some yesterday when I was feeling crappy just to show how crappy I was feeling and see if it would have some kind of transformative effect, but I just didn't even get to it. Yeah, I would start talking about stuff now but I just am in a lot of pain. I found a nice big tree to sit in. This feels more comfortable actually. still hurts a bit but something about this tree. I don't even know where to begin with self dialog. Maybe sitting in a tree heals all maybe I'll just read something I wrote who knows why and just get it going. Perception fishes for new memes Meaning. Perception is meaning sees something understands a process. And the meme unfolds and can be spoken languages and folded in our brains, like a flower. Perception is a flower. Just like how our memes of memories are folded in our emotions. talks about that before. When we emote, this unfolds the old story. This was an efficient way to store stories and instructions on what to do if we have a certain emotion, because we perceive something, a certain story, something that we make salient with that emotion, which is slightly different between people, then it also tells us what to do. So in the past, maybe this was handy. If we felt fear, and we saw a certain pattern, we'd have a certain response. And this was efficient to know what to do quickly. And I feel like right now we're homo, a modus, free emotions, and we could be hormone receptors. So that's an important one, because it's seeing a pattern of how something is in nature and then the perception of that holistically unfolds the language of speaking that. So we can give voice to it. And we we sort of hear it as a subtle impression on the inside. And I wrote down matter is not solid, it responds to consciousness. How do we approach matter? So, Dr. David Bohm said something about how nature will respond to us, depending on how we approach it, so matter will respond to us depending on how we approach it as well. And we approach it as if it's solid. And can we approach it as consciousness as opposed to ego thing? selves? And I feel like the level of consciousness is part of what determines how matter will respond to us. And can we paint and mold the universe with consciousness? I think that's actually one of the benefits of self dialogue is that it raises one's level of consciousness, one's vibration. Because one is speaking from a different voice, in a way. So it seems like map consciousness is learning how to paint the universe with consciousness. and paint the universe with us and through us. But usually, it goes too far makes a mess. And we ended up just bladder painting. I feel like there's a certain level of trying to figure things out. In life in science, when it could be more a matter of figuring in learning how to create learning how to figure into it. What we need is sound screen, which is the light of awareness. The light of awareness is faster than sound. So again, in a way, stop the sound. And I was thinking about how instead of using I am, we could use today am now Here am I just skip the eye and stop speaking in terms of this center, that's not there. So setting A tree definitely helps the pain is not as much. Who woulda thunkI woke up a bit early, I set my alarm an hour early without really realizing it. I'm having my hearty nutritionals I've been on it for over a month now. And I'm feeling less drugged. But I'm not quite feeling any level of happiness which is okay for now could be just not being around the people I care about as well. To I'm seeing that's really important. So that definitely wasn't something that's included in the glide Park experiment. Having people around me that I care about my care about the people around me that I meet here, but it's not the same as knowing people for a lifetime or six years. I'm still itchy from bug bites. And I don't know if I talked about this sciatica pain I was having yesterday was so bad. I had to walk the whole day I couldn't sit down. Even at night, I was just pacing around walking because I couldn't really sit down and feel comfortable. I remember when I first went raw vegan about seven years ago, I just cold turkey Ravi and dead and My legs hurt for several days, my quads were burning. So it could be something to do with releasing toxins. Maybe some of the drugs are coming out of my nervous system. I had those two days of just laying down. It could have been from laying down. So now I'm on 450 milligrams lithium, three quarters of a three quarters of a 50 milligram, trazadone and 25 milligrams of Seroquel. So I do have to remember that this is my main goal right now is to see if I can come off these drugs. And this is a good environment for that. Though, again, it feels like I'm wasting some of the environment because I'm just not up to my usual self, my usual medicated stable self. So I hope that this doesn't destabilize me. And I was watching one of Steve Pavillion his videos on receiving criticism, and I got sort of it wasn't really a critical email. But it was kind of strange. And I don't know if I want to talk about it, because I don't want to talk about other people too much. But it's sort of threw me off. Like what the f. Maybe if I talk about insights, my brain will feel a little bit better. It was interesting that I was watching the Steve pavlina videos, and then I got that email. And then I watched a video of his on accepting criticism or something like that. And he had another one about creating value. And I got my first donation on my website, even though it was a friend of a friend. So it's kind of cheating. But it was still very nice. And I was thinking of donating to that person who emailed me just to be like, Thank you and goodbye. But I'm thinking to myself, why should I even do that? But anyways, maybe I'll talk about it later. And I wrote down thought is a gesture that becomes a trait at least historically. Now, it's a trait that we all have that we don't really question because initially it was just this movement of sound that gave some kind of pointer. But now what it's pointing to is all confused and it's pointing to the me which is an illusion. And I feel like intelligence and love our emergent properties of humanity, which is what we are behind the me. We're all the same We all have that same love. Right now we all have the same thinking going on. And it's from a pool of thinking, and it's not really personal yet we take it personally. So the trouble is more so taking it personally and making a meal out of it, then thought itself, the movement of intelligence and love will use that when necessary. And to me, words are how symbols of the mind come out of the brain and become relational. And we're relating based on these symbols and words. When love isn't a word, it would create different gestures and movements and traits, which could only happen if there was no movement happening and thought, just a little fly on me. Wonder if he sees me. Wonder what I look like to him? I think that moment was a moment of love and intelligence. Just really being with nature. And Dr. Daniel Siegel back to him. talks about brain electrochemical energy flow, energy flow with symbolic value. So we have this flow going on this electrochemical flow and it's producing symbols of symbolic value. Now what if we were to perceive in the light coming in, actually changes the electrochemical flow and changes the value of those symbols makes them less valuable because we can actually perceive in the moment. And he said electrochemical flow has information of symbols. And to me this sounds a little bit like what I was talking about with how the molecules of emotion, those chemicals actually carry with them the holographic information about what it is that caused us to react to that pattern. So in a way, it contains the interference pattern of everything that could trigger that emotion, and that emotion wants to be triggered. So it's going to actually have many degrees of variability to what can be triggered by that. And the light of insight actually changes that whole electrochemical process. Because if we saw things now, if we perceived now we wouldn't emote so much. And those emotions and making those peptides and neuropeptides. And enzymes are wasting our energy, protecting the grand holographic image that we have of ourselves. So I was like, we have this big holographic image and all the emotions are in different places on it. representing different parts of the patterns of what we can be triggered by I feel map consciousness is emerging to the level of love to be an action of love by the universe. An agent of the movement of love. I've had the sensation a few times. When I wake up in the psych ward, it's like when I opened my eyes, everything materializes around me it doesn't feel like it was there. It feels like it comes out of nothingness. That's happened in the psych ward a couple times. And when I'm in that state, I know who's coming in the door. It's really strange. Maybe that's related to how some people say the universe is in me. And in that way, it could be that matter is an emergent property of the mind of consciousness. It's almost like a death of the me into consciousness into nothingness. Thought as me dies into consciousness. Dr. Daniel Siegel said emergent properties are mathematically ascertained aspects of reality. If this love and this intelligence is an emergent property of reality, how does one measure that? I don't think one can. I feel like one can be the measure of that, by their state in daily life, like communing with nature, or with the flies. And he said, the movement of clouds cannot be explained by a single hydrogen and oxygen atom, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. And I think this movement of love and intelligence, it's nothing to do with one single person has to do with everything moving together. So I wonder if there's something that grows connection to this love and intelligence. I narrowed down that matters, how the mind animates itself, or how consciousness animates itself. And it's something that helps us navigate consciousness. But it's not the only thing. It seems like it's not good enough anymore because the world is at risk. So this other movement comes in and moves matter in ways that seem implausible and not according to the laws of physics, but only some people see it. But in a way, the laws of physics are structured, to kind of keep us comfortable. We can understand how things work somewhat predictably and not live in fear. When they start working in different ways, we start to get kind of scared, like in dreams. But that can happen, in actuality for some people. So I don't really think they're that fixed. And that's something that might happen in math consciousness is one can't rely on the laws of physics. It's perhaps that one relies on the laws of love. So then things don't necessarily take time things don't necessarily move at this slow linear speed that we're used to. If somebody was living in the laws of love, maybe they would meet somebody that is the perfect person to collaborate with them on something. And it seems like thought feeds on itself and has some kind of momentum. I feel like love feeds. doesn't feed on but I'm not sure. And I think it was Dr. Daniel Siegel. That said relation relationships are the sharing of energy and information flow. So we'll see how today goesI'm sitting here feeling like I got my ass kicked by the universe of the sciatica pain down the backs of my legs. And it's hard to get comfortable. Today sitting is kind of okay yesterday, I couldn't even sit. I spent the whole day in motion walking. And now I kind of have cramps in my calves. So I'm hoping this strange pain will be gone soon. I made a video this morning, and I really can't even remember if I talked about it. My memory sucks. And my motivation isn't good, partly because I'm in such pain. And I have bug bites on my ankles. And so they're swollen. And it's yellow over. So this is kind of a lesson in when you picture this beautiful scenario that you're going to. There's always something and not saying is regrettable, right? Anything, but it's just still. It has its own challenges. And I just want to lay down and rest. But I can't. I don't know if it's because I rested too long. And now I have this pain when I lay down, it intensifies. And I'm definitely feeling less happy unless social. And last week, I actually had a surge of feeling happiness and socialists. And I don't know if it's because I'm again in that overmedicated spot. But I did do a 75 milligram reduction of lithium and an eight reduction of trazadone on Saturday. So that would be Saturday night, Sunday night. So only two nights ago. So I don't think really Now is the time to do another one. But hopefully I will speak to them on Thursday. And find out if this leg pain thing is anything they've heard about. I almost feel like the drugs are leaving my nerves. And I think I said that already. But I don't even remember. So I'm wondering if doing a little bit more self dialogue is something to at least keep my brain engaged. I wrote down How does one stay elevated. And to use the word elevated and levitated instead of leap. leaping is not a good word to use in the whole so called mania and psychosis context. And I was wondering if a device could be created to mitigate people's voices. There's something called polyphonic sound. And it's really interesting, if you look it up and find sound Globes, and listen with stereo headphones, it actually sounds like a person is behind you in a certain place, by law in your head. So it's not just stereo, it's actually polyphonic. And it uses how the brain works to process sound. So in that way, one could almost use that to create positive voices or almost neutralize the voice that one has, if somebody like I hear a voice coming from here, and it says this, maybe there could be something created, or one has something that sort of neutralizes that or mitigates it or has some kind of balancing effect. I don't know if it's possible, but I just thought it was interesting. Because I saw this invention for these noise cancelling earplugs that you put them in your ears, and then it gets rid of all the sound coming in because it can actually like cancel it out. Well, apparently our ears actually emit sound just a little bit. So maybe there could be something that we're hearing that it's the sound emitting and the volumes turned up and somehow that could be medicated. I don't know how it all works, but it's just something I thought of. So good voices. And I also wonder if this sound that we have MIT from our ears, this has something to do with intuition. Or if it's the subtle sound that we can hear in insight, I really don't know. Just wondering. And I wonder if some of these messages will mitigate and balance some of the not so good messages out there about people's brains. Maybe it'll amplify these memes and amplify this consciousness. I was wondering if a different term for mental illness could be mental newness, because a lot of times it's something new. So it's scary. And even if it is something old, it's presented in a new way, or it doesn't seem like it's under our control. And in a way, all mental is mental illusions, their programs and abstractions? Can we illuminate this instead of illusions? Can we illuminate with that impersonal light of consciousness? And I found something written by J. Krishnamurti, that sounds a little bit like epigesturetics. He says, then the question arises, whether you can live in daily life without any control. Without any comparison, which does not mean you do what you like, but actually to live without a single direction, which is without control. This demands a skill in action, which is an art to be learned. And, in the very learning of it, is its own discipline. You don't impose a discipline upon it. The very observation of how to live without control itself, brings its own order. Do it and you will see how extraordinarily simple it is. That's from the 2016 Krishna Murty, bulletin number 90, page nine. And I think that's part of what map consciousness is initiating is for us to learn how to live without control, which is thought coming in to direct the energy of our life. And that's just pure life energy. And we have to be very quick and perceptive to act correctly. And usually, we mess it up. And then we end up hospitalized, but there could be a way to learn this art of action of so yeah, I'm not sure what I was saying I was distracted by a very loud when nice. That was probably an aircraft. Can we learn to act in accordance with the universe with the cosmos, which takes learning and practice in daily life, which is sort of like harvest practice and body. And some of us already gestured our way to the top. But then we fell out of it. So in a way, maybe we don't have the strength in some of the higher gestures really embedded into our neurology to be able to stay there. But we have the blueprint in a way, so we can be more aware of what is correct and what's not correct. I think part of it is that we see a lot of things in daily life that aren't correct, and not not good. And then we sort of take it on ourselves. And then we react. And we don't know what to do with all that's going on in the world. And part of that would be maybe almost having like an epigesturetics support group to start to learn these gestures, and relearn the gestures that the universe wanted us to gesture. And be in alignment with that and get feedback from the universe. So we're actually getting real feedback from the universe when we're in alignment with that. I think I started going downhill a little bit when I was writing and writing and writing and not able to keep up. And then I just sort of gave up on the process. Maybe I can't give up on this process because in a way, it's my job. It's a job without direction. It's a job without motive. It's a job. Without reward and punishment, it's just talking to myself and seeing what happens. And Krishnamurti also says, be a light to yourself, don't accept other people's inner authority or spiritual authority, find out for yourself. And it seems to me that perception is under the influence of thought. thought could be more intoxicating and sedating than any kind of alcohol or drug. It directs what to make salient. And I think a lot of times, in so called mania, we say what's real, and people don't really want to go there. Because they don't know how to go there either. We none of us really know what to do. And I really don't know what to do anymore. I've want to build a rest bed, I want to do this and that, and I don't even know and I can't even remember. So how am I going to do stuff when I can't remember jack squat? And I was thinking about how our homes make us individuals. If we didn't own stuff, how would we organize ourselves as human beings? I feel like sometimes homeless people might attempt to live this way. Not owning stuff. But it's to the detriment of the safety of their physical bodies. So how do we get there embodied? And how do we get there, sheltered with food and clothing? for everybody. And I think I talked about how it seems that things I say, are met with skepticism. I feel like I was speaking from a level of beauty and perception. I don't know for sure. But it was definitely met with strong comments or reactions. One person saying that's not true. And I just was just saying something like, very casually, and I was like, Whoa, and, and other things like that. And in a way, it feels like this flower, kind of shriveled up, sort of it was like, there's a flower with perfume. And Krishna Murthy uses that analogy. And then people just start coming, ripping the petals off of it. And, and so it's just not the same. I just feel a little bit de energized. But it could also be conserving energy and waiting for another situation to release it. It's almost like that other dimension tries to speak through someone. And then when it's met with a certain approach of somewhat anger and things, it's kind of shuffles back, and and then one is left with sort of this ego that's kind of blank, like the, and I feel like that's what happens in map consciousness where like, he Yay, like, everything's beautiful look at the universe and be like, No, it's not. No, it's not No, it's not. And at first, it's okay, but then after a certain period of time, it's de energizing. And I really don't know if that's true, but it's just interesting to me that that voice isn't always there. And I can see how someone might have that voice beaten down and, and also, when that happens, and that voice is trying to come in. And the ego is also kind of getting a bit messed up in the process. Because it has to in order for that other voice to come in, when can be left kind of this shell that could easily be interpreted as mentally ill or kind of dull or because when you don't have that ego voice so strong and and that other voice isn't listened to. Then what is there And people can't listen I don't think with the operating system of thought. And I wrote down a question Why is the me What's happening? So I will keep myself posted on this pain, these bytes and all that kind of stuff that's kind of beautiful.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

To be that other kind of human being that I've experienced myself to be in bipolar

Play Episode Listen Later Sep 28, 2021 221:44

I found a somewhat quiet spot. And I'm earthing. And I was thinking about how talking so much about all of this related to mental health is really to learn about it, just to be free of it, not to keep talking about it forever, to be free of it and be that other kind of human being that I've experienced myself to be. And that really requires looking without condemnation, but really wondering, to figure out how it all works. And in order to learn about it, if one calls it good or bad, it prevents learning. And I was thinking about how it's important to be free of fear, because it's the fear that drives us to seek help from the mental health system. And to me, that exacerbates things more than necessary. And it could take a good amount of practice and wondering and tweaking to find a way to make it so one can avoid the mental health system. So I wanted to take a second and read a quote by Krishna merde. I feel like what he points to, has something to do with mob consciousness. And I'm not saying it's totally equivalent, but he says, I think man has come to a point where he feels that one must have a new mind, a new quality of mind. I mean by mind, the activities of the brain consciousness, sensory perception and intelligence. Is it possible before man destroys themselves completely, to bring about a new mind? Is it possible for human beings to bring about a totally different category, or dimension of the mind. And to me, I feel like math consciousness is consciousnesses attempt to bring about this new dimension and category in the mind. And it's not really working so easily as people at the level of thought, consciousness, transform it into something else. Sort of capture those minds and convert that process back into a process dominated by thought and thinking about oneself and one's own problems, and making it into a me mental illness. So maybe it's already happening. It's just a matter of people supporting people to journey through it. Maybe nothing else needs to be done except for that. Just having more compassion while people go through this process without dragging them back into believing that they have a mental illness. And he says also, when you put away something false, the mind becomes lighter. And the mean is false. And when we put that away, we become lighter, we become more energetic. And he describes something interesting, he says, discard everything that is false, which is everything that thought has put together. Then the mind has no illusion. And he talks about reading the book of oneself. And he says, I began with the first chapter which says, Be aware of your senses. And the next chapter says, human beings have their partial senses, exaggerating one sense and denying the others. The third chapter says, See all the senses can operate. That means there is no center of a particular sensory operation, and the fourth chapter, and so on and so on. I'm not going to read the book for you read it and explore it so much with what he points to is talking about map consciousness and I feel like he had a transformation experience he definitely did. But luckily, he was held and kept safe by so many people who didn't think that anything that was happening was wrong. Plus, it was 100 years ago now, so there wasn't really that paradigm so much. So I'm starting to read more Krishna Murty stuff again, instead of focusing on mental health, and I have done a lot of writing, but I feel not so compelled to go to it. It's like that process could go on forever. And I don't know if I want to keep fueling that. Just because it can go on forever doesn't mean that I should feel like to go on forever. And I could change my mind and get right back into it very soon. But for now, I'm not sure how much of my notes I'll go over. I remember reading through some of it just to see if there was anything I really wanted to say. And I wrote down that thought in a way is yesterday sound at sound of yesterday. And something I realized today was that I was watching a talk by Krishna Murthy. And he was talking about how we live very mechanically in the thought, programs basically. And I feel like these thought programs are in our brain. And they're soundscapes in there yester sound. And I feel like the sound is actually blocking the energy of our heart. So our heart is love. And we all have a heartbeat, we all have that love. But it's being blocked by this cage of yester sound. And I feel like when that breaks open, it's just living according to love and not this mechanical thought programs. And so I wonder if I can live according to love, and I was seeing a lot more beauty lately, but that seems to have decreased somewhat, I'm not sure why I think it could be because I've been taking this Seroquel for longer than I've wanted to mainly to get myself to ecpr which is in a couple days. So after that, I will stop taking the circle. I'm kind of tired of needing to drag myself to stay in this sort of limited form. And today, I met somebody who wrote a book on her journal of being a psych nurse. And it had several stories about her connecting with patients on the psych unit that she worked on. And I read the whole thing in one sitting. And then I told her and she's like, wow, that was quick. And I said, well, it's my genre. And it's interesting, because I'm pretty sure in a video yesterday or the day before I said to myself that I feel like I want to do something just to put myself in that mode of mental health. And then it just came up in conversation that she wrote this book, and she happened to have a copy. And she gave it to me to read and I read it and it was quite touching is very much exactly in alignment with ecpr. So I feel like it could be a synchronicity in a way. And I told her that I have a label and she was surprised that I wear the bracelet with my label on it and I explained why. Even though I was almost thinking well, it would be good to not have that immediately as how I would be helped, possibly but whatever. And these last couple days I've had a bit of doubt on the self dialogue process in general. Not the process but possibly about sharing Or I feel it's important to always be dropping the meanings that I make. So I make all these meanings to have a different context. But it's important not to cling on to any of them. The greatest moment of the day was saving a little beetle from a spiderweb, I saw him walking in circles because his leg was attached to a spiderweb. This little guy stuck on spider web. And I saved him with a stick. And I don't know how many people take the trouble of saving insects, but his little life will live on as it's meant to. Speaking of which, that's really good timing, there's a fly on my head. And I can't remember if yesterday I talked about how a blue bird nearly landed on my hand, I would hold it out like this. And he might have thought there was food, but he attempted to land twice, and there was no food. So that could have been why he didn't land. But I'm going to try and see if one day he'll land just for the sake of love, not for the sake of food. Because I haven't fed this bird because it's not the greatest to feed wild birds. And I haven't yet attached my grasshopper takeoff video or my feet relaxing video. So yeah, I feel like something shifted these last few days. And it could be taking this Eric Well, it could be taking the Hardy nutritionals or both. And I feel a bit more calm. In terms of doing the self dialogue, I just want to really enjoy being in California. And I don't want to be doing two hours of self dialog day. So maybe I'll keep it more to a journal of what's happening in terms of this hardy nutritionals process. And seeing if I can be off the Seroquel in California, seeing how long I'll be able to stay in California. I am hoping mid July at least. And maybe mid August, but we'll see how it goes. Because I may just have to go home and and come off these medications and up the Hardy nutritionals or something. I'm not gonna stay down here and take circle every day. I feel like my job is partly to stay sane in an insane world. And I was watching a video by Simon Sinek and I didn't wash the whole thing because he started talking again about navy seals, like he likes to do and I just don't think promoting killing is my thing. So using that as an example of high performance is, I don't know just a little bit it shouldn't be Just so yeah, anyway. But he did say that a tip for something along moving towards your spark or something is, as long as what you're doing isn't getting in the way of what other people want. Are you getting what you want getting in the way with what other people want. So this self dialog is good because this doesn't prevent anyone from getting help from psychiatry, if that's what they want. It's just creating other contexts to help myself, avoid psychiatry, get through it when I do have to access that, hopefully transcend psychiatry, and and also, maybe one day move this whole process into a realm that isn't a medical problem. Right now it's turned into a medical problem, anything can be turned into a medical problem. But yeah, part of this shift, I think, is something to do with just remaining kind of quiet and seeing what other layers just need to fall away. And this is a good place to do it, just because I'm in California somewhere quiet. It's just going into this sort of healing mode, I think. Maybe healing some of the stuff that has more, has more of an opportunity to heal in this quiet, beautiful place, instead of just self dialogue, self dialogue, writing down insights all the time. Because the thing with that process is when I decided to go back into it, it will definitely just reignite. That's not something that one loses. So knowing that I can kind of turn off that faculty and and just be for a while. Like today I was sitting outside and I was very content with just listening to the flies buzzing around, land on leaves and play Chase. And as two of them would fly by me about four inches apart. I swear I could hear where the producers of Star Wars got their inspiration for all their aircraft flying through space in those fighting scenes like war. And today, I saw a lizard that just the way the sun was hitting the side of his abdomen. There was a rainbow on his skin, and it must have just been the perfect angle for me to see that and it's probably like that on all of them all the time. But he was really absorbing all the colors of the light, not just the heat of the sun. And I took a video of a lizard that I put my toe near and he wouldn't move. I was kind of cool. That infinity of nature is always there to connect with it any moment. And I heard somebody talking about accents. And then sometimes words, like my brain have a hint of something regarding my consciousness, but I was thinking of mania as a sort of accent of a different language. Just like there can be many different kinds of English accents. One could be accented with mania, and speak in a little bit different way, like some people say that gay people speak in a way that is gay. And that's sort of a stereotype that may or may not be true. And people may or may not want to ascribe to but there could be, at some point, just a manic accent. In that if we're able to prune the process and remain somewhat functional, we might just have an accent of mania instead of this thing that psychiatry would like to call a mood disorder. I think we're moody because we're reacting to society. And we're calling it out to the detriment of ourselves. So in my consciousness, the me isn't doing well, but the mind is just fine. What other layers of this me can fall away, because I'm in a safe place where I don't really need those defenses right now. I'm not working in mental health, I'm not needing to get all up in arms about stuff. So can I release that and practice abiding in this other state, and bring that back when I go back home versus being so charged by things? And I really don't know. But I have been sitting quietly and meditating many nights, and I don't think it's necessary, per se, but I could, in a way help to calm my nervous system. And I did call this sort of glad Park thing in a way. So this would be an ideal scenario. And that in that ideal environment, permeate my biology and my nervous system and and see what happens, if there can be some healing there. And that might show more than talking about stuff in circles, to be able to abide in that calmness and take that back. So I will talk about a few things. But I'm seeing now as I'm talking about it, the value of perhaps just calming down with it all. Maybe that calmness will help to ground some of that manic energy if it comes when I eventually journey off these medications. And it's the gesture of the mind to reach out and touch us. And I really feel like it's breaking up these mechanized thought structures, and we're actually learning how to be human beings without these mechanical actions. And I wonder how to really bring in the love and the compassion and to have that animate and to be really grounded in that and not reactive even when it comes to mental health stuff. Like, can I bring acpr back home without even needing it? Can I use this time to heal. And there's another thing that Krishnamurti said in a video that really struck me with what I've been talking about with language and stuff was the observer creates the linguistic difference between the observer and the thing observed. And he talks a lot about being with fear and facing fear. And I think that by taking Seroquel, I definitely don't face the fear. And I'm not with the fear, I Medicaid it away. And he also talks about authority. And I feel like when I go to the psych ward, it's like, using that authority to save me because I can't face the fear. And I really don't know, I haven't gotten into that. But the fear will need to be faced. And maybe it's not fear at all. Maybe it's just this strong physiological reaction that I interpret as fear so I don't allow it to run its course. And Krishnamurti talks about a non mechanical way of living. And he says, the way we live now is very mechanical. And I know from the felt sense of mob consciousness, that it's definitely not a mechanical state is breaking out of that mechanized way of being and being totally fluid and flowing with the moment. And I just wonder why that can't be maintained. Why can't that effortlessness be maintained? And then when we go back down to the level of mechanization, it feels so difficult. It feels like so much more effort, and that effortlessness requires sensitivity and intelligence. But the trouble is, there's too much noise in this world to live that way and be that sensitive.So this is my rental car. So I'm getting packed up for my trip to LA. It looks like I am going to make it to ecpr. I'm going to leave tomorrow morning at 6am. But this is some of the stuff on packing and some of the stuff I carry with me always down here. I always carry my phone charger, because I'm making videos or editing them or so many different things on the phone. So I don't like to run out of charge. And sometimes, depending on what I'm doing on my phone, it can run out pretty quick. And I always have my headphones and an extra charge for my phone separate. And I love my little macro lens. It's super awesome. And I like to capture small little things being cool. And I'm always carrying with me my zap straps, I have to because I can strap one roll my wrist and one around an object and tie them together and be quite secure. Or I can use just one and tie it around my wrist. And then there's just enough Seroquel to knock me out cold as well as to trazadone as well. If I ever get in the position where I just want to knock myself out and and lay there. It's total emergency never had to use it. But I find it helps me feel safe. And this is like a little towel a little travel pal. I always forget to use it. I haven't ever put myself in the habit of using it. If there's oranges around my wad an orange peeler, a little mini knife. I used to eat avocado, so I'd open it with a knife and then eat it with this mini spoon. But I don't think I'll bring these or this. But I do have in my bag. He may or may not want your own little plastic fish. I will have a bathtub at the hotel. So I might want to bring this probably not. I'll put it in the to go pile. And my love was probably well, maybe I will bring this. And I always have chapstick with me. So these are always with me. And my rental car keys probably only need to bring one and a water bottle. Somebody gave this to me. So one thing I didn't bring with me to California and I hadn't bought one yet. And then somebody gave one to me and it's for hot and cold. So that's awesome synchronicity. And I always carry a hankie cuz I have a runny nose, so bad. So I use this when I can. And so like chapstick and hanky are like the most important things in the whole thing, and then probably the charger. And then probably the lens. Well, this is always going to be with me since I've had a bit of struggle. And last night, I did okay on the half circle and one trazadone as well as lithium. And I will do that when I'm in LA as well and have my passport in case I need it. And my wallet with some money and credit cards and ID and stuff. And then this is my hardy nutritionals for the time, I'll be away for three times a day. And this is the book that I read that I told you about. It makes me a little bit inspired to write a book and just create a little something of information about what it's like to stay in a psych ward or something like that. And earplugs I wear those every night. And this is really important. Super important squeaky fart buddy. Probably won't bring that to the workshop though. But it might help if I was supporting somebody and they're talking their distress, I would just go there we go. That's the motion. I won this prize. Very awesome. So anyway, and have some snacks. You know, have some coffee. annex and close my, my medication which I'll probably just take enough, I'm not going to take all that and my new notebook. So I was listening to a talk. And I haven't listened to all of it but it was by Matthew Federici, and he was talking about some studies where people with the best outcomes that our patients are mindfully non adherent. And I love that term. And it definitely describes me and it's describes what I was trying to be when I was in the psych ward. Last year, I was trying to be mindfully non adherent. But unfortunately, that doesn't always work in the psych ward when a person is certified and has no say whatsoever, unless the doctor actually happens to listen, which didn't happen in my instance. And he said, it's the highest level of self advocacy. When somebody has a belief system, and they speak up about treatments they would or would not want. And it has actually been studied. So it's not something just made up. And I heard somebody before, say they read a study that people who were non compliant actually did better in the long term. which just shows we know best. And we know what's best for ourselves and what resonates and what doesn't. So yes, mindful non adherence. And I'm really hoping that ecpr helps with that sort of approach, and gives more space for mindful non adherence, because there's more other types of support. So one can further the range of one's mindful non adherence. So I'm going to bring this book tomorrow just maybe to show people or I'm not sure what will happen. But I'm spending the day looking at some stuff to just get back into that mode, somewhat. I stole my blue feather. And tonight, I'm going to go to a full moon meditation at this meditation place. And the full moon time tonight is exactly 9:09pm, where I am, and the ceremony or the meditation is from 730 to eat 30 or something. So wonderful get to be up there, while it's the actual full moon. And another part of the significance of this is that it's full moon in Aries. And probably because it's the Aries time of the year. And the thing for me is that I am an Aries. My birthday is in a week. So it's really cool to be able to go to this full moon, meditation, whether it's wishes of peace for the world. Whereas last year at this time, not only was I not in California, I was in carcere rated in a psych ward. So it's amazing to one year later be living my dream. not perfectly because I'm taking some Seroquel to get by right now. And probably taking it even more because I'm not at home with my network of support, but I'm here partly to heal and partly to move towards facilitating bringing more of a network of support to my hometown. ecpr is not yet in my country. And it would be amazing to be able to bring it so I'll be talking more about that I think because by this time tomorrow, probably have an idea about if I'm going to do that. And I probably will even if I'm not quite certain because who knows what we'll expand out of it. But it's pretty amazing. Because this time last year, I wasn't sure if I was going to turn 34. Part of that whole people who die at 33 like Kurt Cobain and other celebrities, even though I wasn't thinking of myself as a celebrity, I was just thinking, I really don't know if I'm going to make it to 34. I almost ran away from the hospital one of the days and who knows what would have happened to me if I would have done that, because they probably would have locked me up in isolation and things. But it was so terrifying to get through. Even when I decided not to run away, it was just the scariest 33 days of my life. And this time last year, that's what was happening. I spent my birthday in the psych ward. And previous days, I voted in the psych ward, done some weird things in the psych ward. And it seems like this year, I won't celebrate my birthday in the psych ward. And I'm not in this place where I'm thinking that I don't know if I'm going to live another day. Whether it's by my own hand, or it was just the most terrifying thing. If you've been through it, you know what I'm talking about. It's so scary, and it was made worse by the medication. And that's why I will never go back of my own volition. I will never go back there on my own two feet. And this is a blessing in disguise, because this will make me extra diligent. And it has made me extra diligent. Another thing I want to do with this car, and I'm not sure if I will, uh, depends on how I feel being away for a night in LA for ecpr. But I'm thinking about driving to Vegas for one night to see Celine Dion. And the reason is, because when I was first hospitalized and diagnosed when I was out of the hospital, I spent a lot of time just watching her videos, her world tour video, and then her live in Boston video. For some reason I was just completely untrained. And just watching her saying and also be silly with people on her tour. And everything just really helped me it was very grounding. And I don't know why Celine Dion, it just sort of was something that I found very calming. And because of that, I've wanted to go and see her in Vegas. And I tried to in 2014 I think it was, but she actually ended up canceling her show. But I went to Vegas anyway, but I didn't see her. And my sister is going to be kind of mad at me. But I'm not going to tell her because she would definitely be mad that I'm going without her. And I am too but the thing is that the way things are with my brain, I never know if I'm going to get back to the states again. I don't know if when I go back and I get back into advocacy and mental health somewhat if my brain might freak out and I might end up who knows, like I really don't know how much longer I'm going to live I could live another 50 years I could live another two days I really don't know. So knowing that I kind of want to go it's a five hour drive. And I really like driving more so than flying. So I'm wanting to go and we'll see how it goes if I do end up making the trip and I will tell her later and it just feels like somewhat of a completion in a way of going and seeing her and honoring that energy seeing her live and I don't really create that many goals per se but that was one that created just as one of those bucket list things but I don't want it to be a bucket list thing. I want it to be a an acknowledgement of of the The journey of making it from a place of sitting there hopeless, watching her and feeling somewhat calm to being able to go and see her live in Vegas. And another thing I'm realizing with this, putting less attention into the self dialog of insights is that it's moving towards that embodied thing I was talking about, but I sort of ignored in favor of continuing to just talk about abstractions is helpful context. But I could create that forever. And that might be to the detriment of my physical body. And I feel like I need to be strong, I need to be strong for the journey ahead, the next part of the journey in being embodied in such a way that it might help others to know if I end up coming off my medication, it might help others if I bring the CPR back home, and and I feel like in order to do that, I need to be physically and mentally strong. And I'm somewhat mentally strong and in navigating, if I do feel the stress for myself, but I don't know if I'm mentally strong to face some of the stuff that might be some of these unanticipated consequences of that which I feel this energy to do. developing some of that equanimity that Tom Wooten talks about, and, and having a physically strong body right now I feel out of shape and slightly overweight. And that's not really good for going back and trying to do what it is I want to do, to sort of feel my best in my body and be mentally and physically strong would be the most beneficial. So if someone told myself that, after my birthday, I'm going to put some more effort into eating healthy and, and getting into some form of shape. And perhaps I'll share more of that as opposed to this whole abstracting stuff, though, I do want to look through it and make sure I didn't miss anything really good. I've been looking at it and seeing that there's a lot of stuff that I see that I've already talked about, or it's just not that interesting, maybe it wasn't the time when I wrote it down. And that could be one thing is just writing stuff down and then taking pictures of the pages and sharing it on my blog. I think part of the reason to do that is that some of the stuff that I say sounds like it could be from somebody else, maybe I don't know, but just showing, showing the process a little bit showing that there's this other source of information that we connect to as people who are bipolar. And that's part of what this is to is just to show what it's like to have a bipolar brain, and maybe other people will resonate with it somewhat. And it might show ways to actually harness the process in a way so it doesn't get out of hand and and take on a life of its own and then take away from one's life. Because I've been in spaces where I write stuff down and I literally feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack that was years ago. So as a process and and that was part of the process was to share that there's something else happening and it's not just this meaningless mental illness and it's something that one can have a relationship with, one can have a relationship with this other information coming through. And this process to me shows that relationship somewhat. And shows that it doesn't really have to even mean anything. It's just like, in a way, one could See oneself as almost having this addiction to this other information that we're not making up ourselves. It's not really an addiction, but I'm just saying, there's this urge, there's this urgency, there's something there, there's this energy that drives us to write this stuff down. And we write it down, it doesn't even feel like our own yet, when we read it, we have this desire in a way to make some sense out of it. And maybe it doesn't really make any sense. Maybe part of it is just to have that relationship with it. So the energy doesn't make us feel like we want to explode in a way. If we can write and listen to ourselves, then maybe we don't feel so much like oh, I need somebody to listen to me, I need to change the world. Maybe it's just changing one's own world, but having some sort of relationship with this information, these insights, this other way of seeing these visions. And maybe the what to do with it will come about one day. Because I pretty much establish with myself that it's an unending unlimited process. And now instead of it taking me over and running my life, which it hasn't, for a long time, I can sort of tap into it and turn it on if I want, and then turn it off. Sort of like we can close our eyes, if we don't want to see is like turning that sense off. And I really do feel like it's this other dimension of the human mind. And even Krishnamurti said that in his quote, and to me, it's just incredible that he says those things yet. To me, it's so obvious that this other dimension of the mind is trying to boot up. But the trouble is, there's more people in the world that this is not happening to. And when they see this happening to people, they get scared. And they do something that messes up the process, instead of just remaining curious and open and unconditionally loving. And that's all stuff that's part of ecpr. So to me, ecpr could even be providing space. For those brains, who have this flowering of their brain happening, goes through the process and see what happens, nobody knows what happens, not even the people who are going through it. And we don't know what happens when we provide space for a lot of people to have this dimension of their brain open up instead of closing it off. And I don't think that has been done at all, because even with what is being done right now, that's considered good. And it has some value is still filtering and warping people's brains back into fitting into society as if society is the gold standard. And I don't think it is, I think there's a gold standard opening up in our brains that we have not even begun to scratch the surface of what it can do. And providing safety, psychological safety is one thing, but when I move into something beyond that, I really want to support people to really move into their magic move into their superhuman capabilities. Which we don't even know what that is. But we really have to provide the space and love for that to happen. The human brain really needs this space and love and non judgmental ness, or it's, I don't know what's gonna happen. Well, things are already happening, we're just not really making the connection and people want. Because the human brain only thinks about itself. It doesn't think about the human brain as a whole of humanity. And other entities that are conscious, and it's just, it's just a Gong Show, really. And in saying that I need to transform myself into my superhero, superhuman version of myself, which might not look very much different. And partly, one of the promises I made when I was still in the map conscious state the very first time I was so intense, I felt like I was dying. I felt like I was in a coffin. I could hear people at my funeral. But I was laying there next to a friend, and I immediately just jumped up and I thought I said out loud, I stand up for my niece. And I sensed in myself that I need to be the best I can be for my nieces and other innocent young children who At this point, don't stand a chance in life, even if they get the best of what life has to offer. If I'm alive and something happens to somebody that I care about, I would not let this happen to them what's happened to me? I would not, I would know better. And so I feel like this whole thing is done, like this way of treating people is done. It's going to be made obsolete. So the real question has nothing to do with mental health. And Krishna Marie's quote, again, is, is it possible for human beings to bring about a totally different dimension, or category of the mind. And I really feel like this is already happening. The mind the, the totality, Gaia, is putting people into these states to energetically animate us in this different way to bring about this other dimension. But unfortunately, it wears out and then the way it's received as a person is falling out of it prevents it from taking hold, because really what that needs, what that seed brain who's going through that transformation needs is unconditional love and space. And something else will happen then if someone's judged and labeled, obviously, it makes if somebody is judged and labeled by some kind of professional, what is their trajectory versus this other way? And it really is an act of faith by people who don't know what's happening for to be that supportive and trust that something good is going to happen. Can we go from labels to loveSome days with me the last rays of waves it's 844. And I don't know if I'll be up here until 909, when it's exactly full. I don't think I've ever been to a group meditation like this before. guy was talking about Christ and the Christ ification of many. And I feel like my consciousness is that it's calibrating us for that. Christ ification energy. And it's interesting how so many people who go into that state, often at some point, connect with a feeling of being Christ. And I think it's an advantage to have that calibration happen. Because if all of a sudden a massive amount of that energy does come in, and there is a Christ, suffocation of many, the people have already tasted it, or gonna understand it more. Blah, blah, blah. And he also talked about receiving a higher spiritual imprint, which to me sounds like the blueprint, a map consciousness. I feel like there could be a school of philosophy of map consciousness of people who actually experientially touch these realities that are pointed to so many different wisdom traditions. But when they come back from that they sound like crazy people. If that state that they're pointing to was just like the state we're in now. It wouldn't be anything different. So wouldn't be that which they're pointing to. When we're in that state, we're actually pointing to it. But it just appears kind of wonky. better move towards my car. So it's just hitting nine or nine now. So the full moon is officially full. Still, no, no, no. This is the full moon. So I'm ready to go to ecpr and La. I have an hour and a half drive at least, but I'm leaving extra time just in case. Let's see if the traffic is as bad as said to be. And I have my breakfast ready. I'm not going to drink any fluids because I don't want to have to pay. If I would have been doing better, I would have booked a hostel and stayed for a couple of nights. But since I'm not feeling the greatest, I'm only going for one night. I'm laying here in my weirdest hotel room ever in a kind of creepy area of LA. And I did the first day of ecpr today and I feel really good about the training information even though it might not seem like it because I'm really tired. I woke up super early to drive to LA which took about two and a half hours and then I was in training all day. And now I'm in my weird hotel room. This is what it looks like. And there's like the weirdest little kitchen thing that I think it's all mine. But it's so weird, I don't even want to go out there. Not sure if anyone else has access to this weird kitchen. And then there's a balcony, which I think is shared, and I don't want to go out there either. And I am supposed to go for dinner with the trainers, which I really want to do. It's a great opportunity to get to know them. Find out more about what they're doing. Look, it's my toes. And I'm going for dinner with the facilitators. So I feel like I need to study up a little bit. Get my mind in the right orientation. Like, what am I doing here again, what is my passion in this area. During the training, I had this idea to create my own class, but not really a class, but something about alternatives and options. And I created a document about that. Maybe I'll talk about it some other time. But it's about creating a safety first. And it's whatever works for the person. So for me, I have advanced directives, sabse, draps, servqual, things like that. And then also creating connection and, and then moving towards thriving, and have a bunch of stuff written down. But I was also thinking it'd be cool to set it up to helps have people co create that. And others have done that too. That's how rap was created. I'm pretty sure ecpr had an element of that in it too. And I don't know what the difference with what I'm envisioning is, but I think it's a little bit of having a person understand that they're really purposefully going to attempt to thrive. Attempt thriving, instead of just getting by. And it's great to have emotional CPR on the times of distress. And it's great to have wrap plans. I remember talking about creating a Wham plan, which is more about thriving. I don't really know what I'm talking about, because I'm tired, but and I think I do need to create some kind of social enterprise. With me being the first social enterprise person in the social enterprise. And they talked about learning through participation. Well, I need to continue learning through just continuing to create this stuff. And I feel like in my consciousness, we go from sharing gestures of mania, all that energy and all those gestures. And when the energy runs out, we actually need gestures of love and unconditional regard, in order to gain some of that energy back that we lost by sharing it all away. We try to share it and when people don't play back with us, then it's lost. And I wrote down that I'm not trying to do anything. We are meaning the collection of all of us as a narrow tribe, we're all trying to do something. But when we try to do it separately, it's not as powerful as if we were to get together and dial dialogue and play in order to see what it is that we're trying to create. And also awakening that dimension in the brain. So the Potential project came back to mind again. And I've been wanting to think of a word for positive triggers. And I realized that it could be energizers things that are energizing, because we're taught to be aware of our triggers. But I'm curious about energizers. And what spurs us into being in the energized state where we're sharing energy and connecting and reaching out and caring. So hopefully, dinner goes well, and I'll be able to share stuff. And who knows what will happen. I'm here with Dr. Daniel Fisher, who talked about psychosis as a monologue. And it's really cool to be heading in this direction. In my big, weird hotel room, this little ladder of mine, I'm gonna let it shine This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little ladder, man, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. That song popped in my head. So I figured I would just sing it. Songs pop in my head, sometimes, like they do for all of us. But often, there's nothing going on in my head. And then a faint song comes in. I have the sense that as this dialogue goes on, and a more embodied in actually creating something alongside with this process of self dialogue. Hopefully I'll smile more. Before I started working in peer support, two years ago, I worked at a medical office. And I was always smiling and laughing, and joking around, and being loving and caring, and I really was thriving. And then and then I got involved in mental health, working in mental health, and I lost that. But I think that's what I want back the most is that joy. And being able to laugh at myself, again, so much of the self dialogue I feel will come across as very serious. But if I was embodying my mania, I wouldn't be serious at all. And I also feel that before I can share any of that context that I created, I kind of have to live it. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of words. So I need to move towards embodying my mania and be firmly rooted in that before sharing this process of self dialog as something beneficial to help one embody one's mania. I did the harvest phase for sure. And now practice part of practices taking this class in LA, just going forward. And I have the car for another number of days after I go back to where I'm staying and I'm probably going to drive to Vegas now that's definitely something a manic would do. Drive to Vegas for one night to see Celine Dion. So that's definitely concrete action embodied. It's not just abstractions. So those would be things that show this embodying the mania. And I feel like as a person who goes into altered states I don't really have I don't really have a bucket list because my life is not really in entirely my own, I don't always have a say over what happens to me. And I don't know how much longer I get to live or how much longer I get to live the way I want to. So I feel like a bucket list almost implies you have this whole bucket of things you want to do. But I guess it's because it's the things you want to do before you kick the bucket. And I don't know where that saying came from kick the bucket. But I feel like it could be something around attempting thriving list that doesn't have a good ring to it, though, could be called like a crazy days list. Something you would do if you're crazy, but also something you would do before you go crazy again, because you don't know if you'll get a chance to. So you better do it. Now, it's almost the opposite of a bucket list where one day we'll get to it, it's like we have to do it now. And that's something we feel in mania too is we have to do it right now. But can we still have that feeling yet not be manic. The point of all this, too, is embodying one's mania, and thriving, as one would win in the state of mania. Without the state of mania, which I've talked about before, it's important to practice these thriving gestures when we're not actually thriving, when we're sort of even not just spending the even time waiting for the next crisis to happen. or doing the things we would do if we're waiting for the next crisis time to happen. And not really taking advantage of those times where we're even. And we actually can do stuff. Because a lot of what rap talks about is wellness tools to make you feel better when you're not feeling good. All the sections except for one or based on when you're not doing well. And there's seven sections and one is about maintaining Daly. And then if you're not doing well, and you're doing worse and you're doing worse, well what about when you're not just maintaining, but when you're in this space where you can put some energy towards thriving. We don't even talk about thriving in this genre of living as a labeled person. And I think it's time for that to change. And I can't remember if I share it, I created this love to experience project have people come in and have fun experiences, who've been labeled and just have a chance to come in and have fun, like improv and stand up comedy and practice of play and a voice coach to connect to one's voice. So important, because we lose our voice we lose our communication. So that's why I'm determined to create this safety. So then, when one attempts to thrive and maybe comes down from that, because they've shared all their gestures and sort of run out of juice. It could almost be a juice list or maybe just an energy list. Things that one will do with one's energy when one has some energy and what one wants to put one's energy into and it's probably something that is going to give one energy I feel this is kind of mapping new territory to purposefully be manic without being manic and I don't think manic or mania is a bad word actually really liked those words. They're just energy people use them for different things. Like super sales will be called mania like price Oh mania or something. So it's usually positive connotations. And even manic I like to say, Man, I see man and the letter I in the letter C. Meaning man, I as n eyes and see seeing or see the speed of light. So there's a lot of good stuff in there. I will continue my report later from my weird hotel room. I'll be kind of happy when it's tomorrow. And I'm across the street and my car is parked outside the building and I'm no longer at this hotel and I don't have to sleep in this town again. I don't usually think that way but I don't love being alone in creepy hotels. So I made it through the night at my creepy hotel. I went for dinner with Dr. Fisher and Maria and had a good chat. And then I go back to the hotel and I talked to my friend on the phone for a while and then we got on to some cool stuff about ideas after talking about some of our challenges, which is cool, and I was laughing my butt off from what we thought we might try to create. So I'm here with my coffee waiting for day two vsepr don't have to go back to the hotel because I'll be driving back to my spot tonight. And I got a tip to try Benadryl for sleep. So I will pick some of that up and try that for tapering off the Seroquel basically just not taking the circle anymore only been taking half. So I reached my goal. I got myself to ecpr and who knows what's next statue over there. I think that could be the inspiration for avatar to ground. Pretty sure that's where they got the inspiration. And I got this little Dave's buttermilk bar from my hotel continental breakfast. So I'm gonna see what that's all about.So I'm back from LA. And back in the peace and quiet. And the beauty. My hair is a bit messy because I was driving with the windows down. And Google Maps took me a different way, I guess, because it was a bit faster, and it was very beautiful. And it was just nice to see all the green in the hills and the trees and stuff that I couldn't really look at very closely because I was driving. And the CPR training was really good. And the group was great. I learned a lot about facilitating. And I learned a bit about the people who are involved in this movement to make ecpr more available. And for me experiencing that it just felt very natural, like, that's the way things should be. So in my mind, it wasn't this amazing thing, because it was just like, well, this is how it should be. Even though it is an amazing thing. It's hard to really say what I'm trying to describe. But after the training, I also felt kind of like I had less hope in a way because this ecpr training isn't cheap. And it's sort of beyond my control to get that kind of funding to start that sort of movement, at least is partly beyond my control. Whereas something like going out for a walk is within my control. So I started thinking about that. And I started thinking about how there's no answers, really. I keep searching for answers, and there are no answers. And even if this isn't answer, it's not something that I have complete control over. I can't just go back home and just be like, yeah, we're just going to run a group because it costs money. And I just feel like the recovery movement, even though it's new, it's already old. I want something like a rediscovery and recreation movement, rediscovering the energy when connected with rediscovering lost parts of oneself, recreating oneself daily. I just feel a sense of what can I really do? What do I really have the power to do. And so I feel like going through a few of my documents and just editing them and editing out everything that is outside of my direct power. Like if I want to get healthier, I can eat healthier food, that's something I can do. But if I want to have ecpr as a group at home, I don't have the direct power to do it. I thought I did. But they were saying it needs a sponsored agency and blah, blah and stuff that I don't have that position to offer. I'm still going to move towards seeing if I can help if I can do some presentations on a CPR and get people to hopefully pick it up. But I have to also make sure to focus on the things that I do have power to do a power to do self dialog. I power to go to Vegas, I have power to start eating healthier and getting some exercise because I really haven't been doing that. Simple things. I feel like for finding the dimensions that I want to work through me not necessarily work on but what do I want to work through me. And so part of it is thinking back to some of the stuff I talked about myself with which I don't remember if I tried to just think of it and summarize it. I don't think I could but perhaps things Come to me. I know laughter is important. And altruism, which I haven't really connected with fully at all. And I guess I feel like there's just not that many people in the world I connect with my friend who were going to share brains and get creative, I really connect with him. And I connect with my family, because they're my family. And other people, for sure. I guess I feel sad that many of us who have been labeled, are sort of medicated into mediocrity and medicated into a shorter lifespan. And, and I find it sad. I find it sad to hear people talking of such simple things and painful things. It's almost like keeping one's life so simple, because life has been so painful. And that's just really sad to me. And and I don't even want to wait for an ecpr movement for people to be thriving. I just I don't know, I don't even know what I'm trying to say or what I'm feeling. But I talked today with them about how I'm sort of walking a fine line staying down here in California, because I have to take this half a circle to sleep, and I've been taking it longer than I would ever want to just to get to ecpr. So tonight, I'm not going to take the half circle, and I'm gonna see if I sleep. I didn't stop and get the Benadryl and maybe I should have, but I'll take the circle if I can't sleep. But if I can good. I'm just tired of relying on these medications. And I talked about that. And I'm taking the Hardy nutritionals. I don't know if it'll work. So it's just I don't know, and I don't have a lot of energy. And I just don't feel the greatest. I was thinking that labeled Lives Matter people with labels and diagnoses that whether they're correct or not. And then the people trying to help and support them are burning out. And it's just, it's all messed up. And and when I watched that talk by Matthew Federici, he mentioned, too, that people can move beyond needing service and needing medication. And that people shouldn't be told that they're going to need this stuff for life. And he also mentioned something interesting. That reminds me of exactly what I'm doing with this process of self dialogue. He said, new dialogues emerge out of new eyes, different perspectives than the traditional perspective. And what I've been talking about is many different perspectives than the traditional perspective, as I've seen from my numerous perspectives, because part of what happens through meta consciousness is the ability to take perspectives and see from many different perspectives. And I think he said new dialogues and new insights, he either said that, or I just wrote it down and even say, crisis defined with a mental health label. So implying that it doesn't necessarily have to be defined in that way. And I really feel like people who are advocates yet still connected to the system. They know a lot more and they're just holding back. They're only saying so much because they know they can only say so much. And they say quite a bit beyond what the system would think. So they're providing valuable insight, but I still think they hold back So perhaps the more of us who have more contacts and more perspectives and more of a voice, a stronger voice, then people who are in the position of advocates can actually speak up even more, because there's more evidence. It's, it's the people speaking up, or the evidence, that's going to be the biggest evidence. So yeah, I've talked about a lot of different possibilities in these dialogues from the very beginning talking about creating respite, I'd love to create a respite where people that get labeled get to help homeless people, because people that get labeled often connect to altruism, and then that way they could help homeless people and then be altruistic, and then feel better about themselves and put their newly acquired sensation and orientation in their brain to use instead of just trying to bend it back to the old egoic way of being. And then when that starts to happen, it starts to get bent back, a person seems even more egoic because they're not liking this. This shift back from the way that they were growing. So so those are like dream size projects, that again, I don't have the power to carry out on my own. And then there's things like, I'm going to create something just to remind myself of what is within my control, and what can I move towards in terms of being superhuman to be able to help people with their magic. I don't want to help people with mental illness. I want to bring about this totally different dimension in the human mind, this other category, to category beyond categorization, and haven't been in touch with it for a long time. So for the scary aspects of it, and I want to re invite it into my life. But I feel like I need to be prepared to live that energy. live with that energy. Live as itI sit here and I really don't know how I feel. ecpr was all about connecting with and talking about feelings. And I say I feel a lot, but generally I don't share feelings, partly because a lot of them are suppressed by the medications. Last night, I definitely felt something. I went to sleep without taking the half a Seroquel. And at some point during the process of falling asleep, my heart did that thing where it sped up and was beating really fast and strong, and I was terrified. And this time, it actually didn't wake me up right away. And I remember just laying there with this intense fear of death. Like I don't want to die one day, or I don't want to die right now. It actually seemed different than last time. Last time, a few weeks ago, it felt like that sensation of panic where I thought I was going to kill myself, like I have to kill myself, but I don't want to. And this time it was different. It was a different experience of that death terror. It really felt like I really don't want to die one day. Yet at the same time, I fear that when I do die, it'll be by my own hand. So it's kind of paradoxical that I would have that intense. Not wanting to die one day yet, fearing dying by my own hand. That's quite something I don't know what it is. But so when I did wake up after probably like 20 seconds, I took the half a Seroquel last time it was different. It woke me up immediately because I jumped up feeling like I might actually do something to end my life. But it's always about getting to my safety plan. Before I do that before I feel I need to do that. And I always do. So once I got my zap strap. And once I took the Seroquel, I felt fine, not fine, but I went to sleep. So this time it was a different flavor of death. And I have to remind myself that it could just be psychological death, then part of my psyche dies. It creates a bodily reaction just like if I think of something scary, my body's gonna react even if I'm sitting right here. And we're doing that to ourselves all the time. We're thinking things and our body's reacting. So it makes sense that if the psyche is dying, there's a bodily reaction. And if I wasn't here in California, I might actually see what that turns into without taking the Seroquel and I talked about getting Benadryl and I didn't get Benadryl. So today I did because of that reaction to it. And I talked to the people at hardy nutritionals and they said, it's better to go off it. Bye going down to a quarter and then going down to an eighth. So I feel tired and I feel out of shape and I feel like I'm not eating healthy. When I got here I was at least eating okay ish and under eating a bit and I was slender, which I prefer that, especially when I'm taking medications so my body can deal with all the toxins of the medication. And I feel a little bit like going home. And then I realized that I wouldn't be able to sit outside I wouldn't have access to this. expansive nature doesn't mean that I won't go home. It's just I'm a bit conflicted. I'm not really feeling that great mentally. So I'm getting through the days but not in the greatest fashion, I'm kind of blurred out and the days are a blur and I i've talked recently about things like super humaneness. And it's like I'm wanting to talk myself into those possibilities yet at the same time. Aside from being in the psych ward, I'm not in the greatest place right now. And it almost seems like when I go to those far off possibilities, by speaking about them. It feels like I crash even more after that. So it's difficult to know what to do. I feel like I need to focus on doing nothing and getting healthy and I keep talking about this, but I just ate a bunch of chips with some kind of dip. I just feel so lazy when it comes to that stuff. So I'm supposed to go down on my medication 1/8 at a time for the next eight weeks. So right now is me not doing the greatest but not doing terrible either. I wonder if I'll stay here for the weeks and do that process at the same time or what will happen. Anything could really happen right now I could end up going home tomorrow. Or I could end up staying till mid August. I miss my family I miss my community of people is beautiful here. But it's also beautiful just to have a community of people that one cares about. I really care about my community. Here there's a community of beauty and there's a few people around but but not a lot. And I've talked about before how I do best when I'm around people. So here I have sun, I have nature. I have wildlife and insects. tried to save one of your brothers earlier from the road, but I just kept walking. They were very determined to walk across the path. And now I sit down and there's one of you on me. Oh, you're looking away. Right now there's four butterflies doing a dance. That's beautiful. And the other thing about the death thing. Krishnamurti talks a lot about death. And I feel like I could just go through it somehow. They're so cute or they go What I'm thinking of is that we all die at some point. Yet, we're so worried about this life when we're living it. We're all gonna die. So it doesn't really matter. And I'm not saying that in the sense of do nothing or it doesn't matter. So just be mean. It's more just the fact of it all and. And I've also been thinking about reward and punishment. And when I was thinking about how we've all been forced into mediocrity, I'm not sure why I would care if people have something negative to say about what I'm sharing. When most people just have mediocre minds. And I'm not saying that I don't, and I do too. But why would I care? What a mediocre mind who can't really grasp this? has to say about it? Why am I not more concerned about if it might be helpful to somebody? Why am I so afraid? And there's people out there that are courageous, they'll just share and say what they want to say and share their message. And and if somebody says something about it, they just aren't concerned. Even if somebody does say something, they forget about it the next day, they go on with their lives. So in a way that people that might benefit will put more energy towards it than the people that would not. I guess it's partly because what I have to say sounds like it's against psychiatry. And part of it is it's against the way it's delivered. Yeah, at the same time, I feel like I still utilize psychiatry stuff, and maybe I will have to in the future. So I guess it's difficult, because I want to be strong and have transcended it yet. I'm in this place where I feel on the tipping point of being in some major distress. Another thing I've been thinking about a little bit is that if I feel like I'm in distress, or I'm afraid of death, or whatever it is, it's it's a common human experience. It's not just me, it's not mine. Maybe I'm feeling that and experiencing that, but it's not mine. It's, it's from somewhere. It's just part of the collective and part of mine as well. To feel like I'm struggling Well, we are struggling, we're all struggling. I guess I just hope in eight weeks I'll have come off some of this medication, I'll feel better. It's probably better to do it here. Otherwise, I'll be just sitting at home in somebody's basement. Maybe it would be beneficial if I just spent all my time sitting outside doing nothing. Because it's something that I wouldn't be able to do if I was back home. And at this point, I don't know if I'm gonna go see Celine Dion. I have this rental car for four or five more days and that's what happens. I have these plans, but then a lot of times it just becomes a waste because I'm not even feeling like I can use Lies it sucks to not be able to trust that one can just do what one wants to do when one wants to do it. That little butterfly over there so cute. He looks like he is this little fluffy body and he's flapping his wings up and down like measuring the wind or something and waiting for his friends to come along so you can join their dance and see now I'm off self dialog yet. I feel like I'm doing worse than when I was on that and talking on feeling some kind of urge to do so. And then I forget so yeah, death reward and punishment. And I wrote a bit of my story for Katie motorhomes emerging proud campaign for the blog, and I think I'm gonna give word for to go ahead and publish it. I wanted her to wait until after I got to ecpr even though I'm feeling kind of low and not clean. I almost feel like I don't care anymore. But I do care. But it's I'm not. I'm tired of caring about worrying. My family, I'll see the story and they might worry or I don't know, I just I don't know. Okay. Usually you would run away by now. Did you get hurt? Yeah, right. Good luck. And then I was reading a talk by Krishna Reddy. And he was talking about how we always wait for this pressure before we do anything. And I was thinking a bit about math consciousness when we're in it. We have this pressure of the universe making us act. And then when we're not in that anymore. It reminds me a bit of harvest practice and body. Can we do those things without the pressure being applied? And then yet, it seems like this other pressure is happening for me where it's something building up and then leading to this thing happening at night where it feels like dying. And being afraid of that. Maybe it'll just pass maybe I can just let it pass. Why do I have to be afraid of that? And what's causing that pressure to build up is being in California and just sort of doing whatever causing a different kind of pressure to build up Maybe the butterflies now. Maybe I could just ask what's the cause of this pressure butterfly. He left. His friends flew by and he left his back. Oh, oh. I have no idea if I caught that on camera. But if I do go back, I think I'm gonna buy a stand up paddleboard and just spend time on the water. But it's not water season there yet. So, maybe last year or day, maybe last year, another month, maybe two, maybe three. Somehow I need to take an interest in this body. Think I'm going to quit drinking coffee to start maybe I'll just sit out here and start doing some of that self dialogue. At least it's something even if it's just for my own entertainment not doing anything altruistic right now. Maybe releasing this blog article be good. Start some conversation. Dr. Fisher was talking about how relationships heal. yet here I have a couple relationships but they're new and it's not like home so I came down here and it's beautiful in so many things but I don't have my relationships which are the strongest and most important thing. We some learning relationships are important. So tonight, I really hope that I sleep better with that Benadryl and I'll take a quarter of a Seroquel and the trazadone and see what happens. Maybe it's good that some of this is coming out, but just little by little. I think I just want my energy back. Life is more challenging when one doesn't have energy.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This bipolar process is just about giving voice to insights and creative expression

Play Episode Listen Later Sep 25, 2021 209:46

So I'm going back to an old notebook. So things are kind of out of order. But that's not what matters. The process is just about giving voice to insights and things that I see not necessarily putting them in logical order, because putting them in logical order doesn't leave much room for the new creative expression that might come through in sharing that bit. But for starters, last night, I reduced the trazadone by one half, so I took one and a half tries known and I'd have a Seroquel, I want to start taking the half Seroquel, but I don't have a pill cutter. So I might have to get one of those or really just try to cut it in half. And I'm still taking the Hardy nutritionals daily. So where I left off in my old notebook was talking about the body is a perceptual apparatus, and it's also a holographic net. So it's sort of clinging on to the images, it's recording, and associating those images with the past. So I wonder if we can be free from the holographic net, and not record with it not try to find new images to associate with all images. And I actually think that this is partially what builds up for people who have a tendency towards map consciousness. And when this recording isn't going on in map consciousness, the mind sort of touches reality instead of reality being touched by the images, and thus not really meeting reality at all. So the mind moves when the images Don't move. And then the mind moves through us and animates us. And none of this is really true. It's just playing with ideas and thoughts and insights. I feel like the old holograms resonate with the new incoming information and only pick out bits that are similar to it. So it blocks new information and only looks for similar information. And maybe the brain sees this as some type of efficiency, because it's calculating whether or not what it's meeting will serve its purposes. But his purposes have been programmed. So we're meeting life with the purpose as ever programs. And so not really meeting it at all. The net of thought is holographic. And the me is this interference pattern that's interfering with all the new information coming towards us. It interferes with life with actual life. And it seems like human beings are caught in this prison and this net of holographic light and sound. And I feel when this process stops the matter of the brain then speaks life life as its met. And our choosing mechanism RS decision mechanism is part of this net, we're choosing with our net and grabbing those bits of reality. And when we think we send out holograms, when can we stop adding to this collective recording that we all share? And I made up a word holograph phonic. So it's sort of this light and sound and as part of the image making process through which we meet life. And it seems like the universe has created a creature that can harmonize with life with his gestures and words or destroy it. We're the only creature that can really choose to be in disharmony in a way. It's like we can pick an avocado and eat it. Or we can just cut down the tree in terms of First there was the word. It seems like that's choice and we can choose to use the word for destruction or harmonizing. And I had this thought that there are lots of other planets that supported life at some point, and the life eventually developed words and language. And then there was the choice to harmonize with the language or to use it for destruction. And if life chose to use it for destruction, it eventually would destroy the very life that created the language. Language evolved from life from living things. And then the language when used to destroy, eventually destroys life itself. So I had this thought that maybe there are a lot of planets that had life, but they destroyed it. And so it's no longer there. And I remember Alan Watts has a video on YouTube describing how he imagined that life could evolve to destroy itself. And then it would, and I can't remember if he said it in his video, or, or if I thought of this, but I don't know, I can't remember if I did. But if we blow ourselves up, for example, DNA would go reeling through the universe, and it would kind of see the planet somewhere with life, eventually, life would be created somewhere else on the suitable planet, then the DNA got to and then might get too many planets, but only one might actually evolve life. So humanity, evolve, evolving, as it does, with language eventually uses the language and the intellect to blow itself up. But then that seeds, other planets with DNA and life. And maybe that's how life spreads throughout the universe, sort of like one planet than the next planet than the next. So there's always another planet. And in terms of questioning the prior assumption, we never question that which makes assumption happen, which is thought, which is language, which is our accumulated information, we accumulate information, and then we can't see life. And life will tell us different information. And I think this whole thought part is key in terms of being able to transform somewhat, because when the energy the increased energy comes in, it amps up whatever's there. So if there's too many thoughts, it's going to have to deal with thoughts from the outside. So dealing with that, plus personal thoughts, or making those extra thoughts personal, and personalizing them, makes it more difficult. And movement is part of communication. And that's along with the epigesturetics. But even the lizards here, they do push ups to communicate with each other. So communication is not just words. And when we're in my consciousness, we're in connection with that total movement of communication. And in a way, when we start to move towards the so called psychosis end of things. It's a movement, and it's a communication of some kind. And I wonder if it's also about needing help, or we need to help each other, when we're in the map conscious state, to stay in that state and not move out of it towards the structures of thought and society that would pathologize us. And meaning is a language, it's a living language. And life itself is the meaning of life. When I was thinking again, how important it is to not be attached to any perceptions, or insights. And that's part of myself, dialogue is not just thinking of a couple of things, writing them in a book and then and then clinging on to them, like there's something special, when none of this is special. And one day, I really hope to be able to face that real terrifying fear and just look at it and be with it. It's sort of like this internal death that happens, but somehow haven't been able to move through it. And we as people who go through map consciousness, we look like we have a disorder when the brain is deconditioning itself, from the order of society's conditioning, to the order of life itself. And I'm reading a book called on our own by Judy Chamberlain. And it was written in the 70s. And I can't believe it because it's so pertinent and relevant today. But she mentioned building up the confidence and self esteem of all the people involved in the work. And we as people who go into my consciousness definitely have work to do to understand the states and also, for the world. We all connected with having a sense that we need to do something to help the world. And Krishna already said I am the world and the world has me. And I feel personally like I connected with that feeling state in the state of so called mania. And one feels completely responsible for the whole world. But then one gets sort of crushed by that because it's hard to do on one's own. So I hope that if I share this one day, that other context, whether it's one thing or 10 things, or no things are not even the things but just the process itself helps to just build a little bit of confidence. or understanding, I don't know what it is. And she's so forward thinking she said, even a person who struggles to successfully maintain his or her own way of thinking, like I've been doing here, can be damaged by this form of psychological assault. So even if somebody goes through a system, and they don't think, Oh, I'm defective, and diseased, it's still damaging, to be told that and to go through the experiences of indoctrination into believing that. And I wrote down that I saw a little tiny fly. And he actually had little wings on his head. And I don't know if they actually flapped, but he was sitting there, with two little wings on his head. And he flies and he flies quite chaotically. But I've never seen a fly with like these extra wing appendages to help with their chaotic flight path. And he was cleaning his wings was really cute. And I started reading my writings from six years ago, before I was diagnosed with anything. And it was interesting, because a lot of it's the same that I talk about now. It's like, I knew certain things, and had certain visions before I was ever diagnosed with anything. And then the diagnosis was like, no, that stuff didn't mean anything. Yet, six years later, I'm getting in touch with that and saying the same things. So it's from that same place that one gets in touch with, and what happens when I speak nature, and infinity, and not thought and limitation. And one thing I wrote six years ago, is that that language is alive and always there. So I had a sense of this other language of this other communication of being in touch with something else that speaks through me. And I feel like map and so called psychosis is an attempt to destroy the old language, even though sometimes it destroys the person. But if one can just deny that kind of language, and move towards the other, and I don't mean just, that sounds like an oversimplification. But part of it is purging this old language from the nervous system. And when that happens, we see how scary and detrimental it is. And it's important to see it and observe it and not get attached to it or run from it just really be with it. Which there's no real paradigm for supporting people through what if more people spoke this language of nothingness. And it seems like all symptoms are seeing or hearing something beyond thought, or hearing something that's kind of off to see the awfulness of it all. And I wrote this blurb here and not just read it for the sake of hearing myself say it. Sound implies movement, like hearing something hit the ground. It was an orange falling out of a tree, one might look to find out or just know from previous experience, thus not feel the need to look. That's what that does. It saying what we know from previous experience. Thus, we think we don't have to look. We think we don't have to pay attention. This is partly adaptive, we learned so we don't have to put our energy of attention on something like a humming noise of a fan. We eventually don't hear it at all. Because our thoughts go on constantly. And we mistake that for reality. We have turned our attention down on reality. Just like if we have a rope and whip it in a circle. It appears as a circle, but it is a line a rope. Our circular thoughts may make it seem like there's someone swinging the rope, thinking the thoughts, I think there could be a perception theory of suppose a mental illness, our perception is changing, kind of like how our eyesight can change over time. And eventually we need glasses, or this change in perception is more radical. And it actually increases our ability to perceive. But we generally don't think about acquiring such abilities partway through life. So what have you seen? And what do you see? So I wonder, why do we no longer smell that the sound of thought is dangerous? The sounds of thought fade into the background, just like the smell that we no longer smell? Because it's determined not to be dangerous? Why does the computer brain make the sensitivity of the brain the sensitivity to life, fade into the background? And I sit here in 98%, nature and 2% human constructs? Why do most of us live in 98% human constructs, and then we wonder why we go crazy. And I remember in my consciousness, feeling like I could steer the whole world with my gestures, my movements, my actions. And at some point, this became scary because it was a huge responsibility. And I felt like I no longer knew what I was doing. I think part of the trouble is in trying to do something, when really we aren't the Dewar in that state at all. And I think that the sound of thought is partly the sluggishness, it's the energy drainer. In my consciousness, our brains work at the speed of light. And I wrote down that power over, creates memes words and sounds for people to believe. Whereas power with relieves people of the believer and puts people in contact with the perceiver. And I was thinking about how science wants to predict stuff. And even our ego wants to predict stuff it wants to predict what to do. And in my consciousness, sometimes we can predict, and prophesize things and see the future, because the mind is a scientific instrument in itself, and it's access the quantum state. But it makes the little predictions of science seem ridiculous in a way, because the brain itself can see way beyond it. So that kind of game is over just by this new capacity of the brain. It's a different order of operation altogether. And in David Baum's book wholeness and the implicit order, he calls the new mode of language he is playing with the real mode, which is a flowing mode of language. And that resonates with me, because I had a lot of language flowing out of me. And it's almost like a map consciousness, one gets in touch with a flowing mode of language, not as trying to create one, but just as one is in that state. There is language and new language and new perceptions flowing out of that person. So perhaps, that kind of state naturally greats that flowing language versus trying to create a flowing language from a state of not being in the flow. And I feel like the way we use language now is Newtonian. And when science is discovering quantum physics, we need a language to match those discoveries to make that come into existence. Because the discovery of it didn't create that it was already there. But in order for us to see that we need to speak in a way that makes it possible. And David Bohm says a few things that are cool in his book wholeness and the implicate order. He said, nature will respond in accordance with the theory with which it is approached. And I feel like human nature will respond in accordance with the theory with which it's approached. So if somebody is approached by somebody who's just thinking that they're going to put a mental illness label on somebody, then human nature will respond accordingly. So the way a vulnerable person is approached is very important. And can we approach nature as beauty with beauty. And I feel like the brain is shifting towards beauty. And the mind is unlimited. But the body is limited. And I'm wondering if this is part of the reason why I need to keep a lid on consciousness. And David Bohm said, theories as ways of looking modes of perception, guides to perception. They're not separate substances. Even with self dialogue, I'm sharing so many things that overlap, contradict, add, subtract, yet each one is a way of looking. And I wrote, I seem to be a way of looking that constantly changes. That creates a new insight. And can the brain guide perception to see beauty? Or can perception create beauty in the brain. And these are all different ways of looking at one reality. And that's part of the point of self dialogue is just to look at reality in different ways. Look at experience in different ways, not in terms of right, wrong, good, bad, better, worse. And I wrote, nature is made of a substance called beauty. But we're so busy looking for truth, that we can't see it. And we've turned beauty into pleasure. So we're looking for pleasure instead of looking at beauty in the moment. And what happens when the mind moves faster than the speed of light, then consciousness leaves the body travels. And Boehm also said, The undivided wholeness and flowing movement. To me that sounds somewhat like map consciousness, not just the words, but the actual felt sense of the truth of that. And he talks about the word formative. And I feel like human beings are formative and we can form language and be formative in our communication. And human consciousness has a relative stability and autonomy, which is the body. And he defines formative cause as an ordered and structured inner movement that is essential to what things are. And I feel like map consciousness in a way is a formative cause. It causes new language causes inside it causes reaching out, causes responsibility, action, new gestures. And this energy as it's doing that is changing the DNA. It's changing the muscles, it's changing everything, and it's forming new meaning. It's getting the body to see new meaning. And not claim to those meanings But see, meaning moment to moment, new meaning moment to moment.Just had a fortuitous event, somebody wants to lend me their car for a week. And I haven't driven in six weeks. One thing though, is being on extra Seroquel, that's not great. So maybe tonight, I will cut it down to half a Seroquel and one and a half trazadone. But now I feel like I need to do some planning of what I can do for the next week with a vehicle. So hopefully I can do some self dialogue, but also some embodied self dialogue and embodied mania. So how would I live for a week in California with a car Stay tuned. So that changes the landscape of things a little bit, as I will be able to further map the landscape around here. And it will be fun to drive because I do like driving. And I haven't in a while. And another thing too is that a bit of my story is going to be in the emerging proud book that is coming out in about six weeks. And it's safe to talk about it because it's not out yet. But it will be by the time I released this. And Katie asked for a two line blurb to the readers for hope and inspiration. And I wrote down our brains are resilient, neuro plastic and quantum with infinite capacity to learn, unfold and create. We've seen and touch possibilities yet to be made manifest. So hold these visions in your heart so that the minds of the many might be touched and see the possible world to. So I have a few notes on my computer. And I'm not planning to sit inside often to be able to read off my computer and talk about it. So I'll get right to it. I made up a word. I was thinking about how dialogue in a way is kind of like improv. But just a conversational improv in a way, whereas improv is more embodied. But I created the word die and prologue, which is a combination of dialogue and improv. And I wonder if that can be brought into embodied mania. So it's not just an improv and just playful, but there's some form of communion and dialogue happening at the same time, I feel it's possible to see people's possible selves. When I was able to look at people and see them light up and become their flamboyant animated version of themselves, their dye improv a log version of themselves. We are all there underneath the encasing of thought and societal structures. In a way this other language comes out of our eyes and heart, we can actually see that which we want to say from a new perception. And it seems life energy is turned into a thought, which has no basis in actuality, it's from the past. And perhaps because it has no basis. In reality, it can't really touch reality. So it has to turn back in on itself. And it's like this cycle keeps going because something is trying to meet reality but nothing ever does. If it's from thought, words can't meet life. So they go back in circles. And life energy created by life goes out to infinity and it actually changes the pattern of the hole ever so slightly, whereas thought is repetitious and doesn't change the hole. And it seems like thought as the me is false integration. The me Can't integrate into the hole because it has no relationship to the hole. So instead of integration we get repetition. The brain is being used as a repetition device, instead of actually integrating and creating can we approach life with beauty? flow is a flow of beauty. Can our gestures and actions move with the algorithm of beauty? Can each step we take be artful. And if we approach with beauty, the thing doesn't matter the thing we approach. What matters is that we approach with beauty and in that we have some relationship to it. And it seems like mob consciousness is an exercise in beauty, exercising us in the field of beauty, and exercising our beauty, muscle gestures, and our beauty neurology. I wonder if there's genes for this beauty? Can we reach out as beauty. So I don't like reading stuff. But when I write longer blurbs, kind of have to read it. So I think this is in response to what Dr. Daniel Siegel said, at the end of his neuroscience talk. On the neuroscience summit, he said something like we are nature. And I wrote to say we are nature, intellectually, without a felt sense of it. And sensitivity to it, is meaningless. And if we are to integrate nature, we must understand our relationship to it. If we have no direct understanding, it is not integrated in our brain. It's just a word, a concept, an abstraction. When the mind uses the brain to start integrating nature, the immensity can short circuit the brain circuitry. And this is exactly what is needed. To short circuit the me. When we get a glimpse of our relationship to the immensity, it starts a never ending unfolding of understanding of meaning of our relationship to nature. And as it this is eternity. So it's scary to fall out of eternity, and be involved back into the limitations of society. This impose limitation is a pressure on the brain. It's difficult not to go crazy. But as the understanding deepens, the immensity crowds out the me circuits in the brain. We just need enough money to take care of the body, the brain space and fluidity opens up. So this deepening understanding takes over the brain as perception. Now you see as the mind, interesting, I'm talking to myself. So now the brain is a relational organ, playing the music of relationship as that we can speak as the relationship to nature. And all of reality, then we don't need science as science is due to the separating ourselves from nature. With the way we use language, meeting nature and relationship with our preconceived notions of language structures, which divide us up from being indirect contact, the sound is the barrier. And the sound barrier we project prevents contact, contact and relationship with nature allows us to speak as that relationship as the moment. And I wonder about the math of this. Not that I know much about math, but I'm seeing a few variables that can go together to create something and I don't really know what that is yet, but see if something happens. Again, as a crazy person, I can pretend that my brain might be able to come up with some math stuff. It's possible or see willing possibility. I want to be defective in reference to this defective society, the mind installed a new value system, which has nothing to do with education and society. And I feel like beauty becomes the fuel. Beauty is the fuel. See willing possibility, beauty fuel. And I was reading David Baum's book, wholeness in the implicit order. And he talks about a word vida eight. I think it's five, eight, and I'll talk about it again later if I don't get this correct. But he was saying that it means to see and to understand at the same time to perceive and to understand, not just to see something, but to really understand and have a felt sense of have that thing like to understand and to see. And to have an insight is probably similar. So to have an insight is to understand something in a moment like, aha, Eureka. And so in the same way one could ask, see inciting possibility, does one see into the possibility of that insight, not just receiving it in terms of No, that doesn't agree with my belief systems, and my opinions that I've been told and sold and programmed to think about. And the cool thing about C as well as C in physics is the speed of light. So in the word C as an s, e, is also C, for light, and one needs to really see the light without the interference of previous sound structures, in order to have an insight. And so if I say, See inciting possibility, one might say, no see, and sounding and possibility. So that is admitting that one's internal sounds are getting in the way of seeing the insight that one is declaring as an insight is not coming from past knowledge, but it's actually something that is seen in the moment. And all that word stuff with the see inciting bit. All the bit extra. I just made up now. And I'm only saying that to say that new insights can come up, even though I have a bit of a list here of things that I wanted to talk about. And that's why I like writing down the small point form things. And not these big long things is because I can talk about things. And if I write down a big thing that I have to just read it and I don't like that. When I'm reading it, I'm sort of just reading it to read it, and usually not much else comes up into consciousness. And so we have beauty is the fuel. Beauty is the field. And I do feel in a way that my job is to harvest these insights, insights from Beauty, to give voice to the beauty that is all around as part of giving voice to the voiceless, which requires mirror neurons and empathy and silence. It seems like my brain can harvest insights and perceptions because it has a direct relationship with the mind with reality. And this is not anything special. It's how we're designed to be we're not designed to be programmed robots. Because this mind is something we all share. We use the brain in service of personal pleasure. But when we strip away all the personal stuff, we have the same brain in mind. And that's what Krishna Murty talks about is the human brain. If we were all of a sudden blank slates, we would just be the same human brain with the same kind of capabilities. And I was actually thinking today when I was thinking about how I've been, you know, struggling lately or something, and had to take the extra medication. But if I put it in the context of I am the world and the world has me while the world is struggling. So if I say I'm struggling, it makes it seem like my personal struggles, but the world is struggling. So even if it seems like I'm in a scenario where I shouldn't be struggling, then just to put it in a broader context because I feel like I've connected with that oneness where it's all one and felt so amazing and ecstatic. Well, one can feel anything in between when one is connected to the oneness. It's not all lollipops and cotton candy. So I'm going to try that a little bit when I'm struggling and kind of have the sense that the world is struggling and I'm picking up on it. And I haven't been struggling I just feel kind of drugged a little bit because I've been taking extra medication. And like I said, the main goal right now is to get to emotional CPR. So how do we translate this beauty? By giving voice To her by talking about it by talking as it by talking with it by looking at it by being with it, by smelling it by touching it by tasting it, by being in complete wonder of it, by understanding it wholly, partly. And I wrote down that one of my heart races like that when I'm falling asleep, it's like some sounds and thoughts are coming in to process. And it's scary because usually I'm not really connected up with that stuff. But I feel like sometimes some of it tries to filter through me like, like a drain almost. And map consciousness is vision correction, towards quantum vision and having a quantum brain, the quantum world already exists, scientists are just touching on it, but it actually exists as a state of existence as a state of the brain. Why don't we have access to that brain state is partially because the people who go into that brain state are pathologized, and accredited another word, instead of agreeing, which is sort of what you said, agrees with my opinions in my past programs, are seeing is seeing something that someone saying something new, and meeting that instead of judging and, and making opinions about it, as somebody is talking to us see, one has to be open, and say, I don't know and be willing to find out. And I think nature has some hands in it. For example, when there's a loud thunder, we can't hear ourselves think it's too loud. And also, it might scare us into not thinking for that moment. And in that moment, that a person isn't thinking, the moment before that there's often lightning, which is electrons and energy. So it's like nature sends all this energy down to the Earth's surface, and then has a loud sound that quiets the human mind for a moment. And even seeing the lightning can quiet the mind for a moment. And all the thinking energy and sound energy of people, if you were to add it all up and, and play that sound over a period of time, it would probably sound like a really, really loud thunder, if you took everybody's thoughts, which is 50,000 thoughts a day, all of that sound together, one person times two times 10 times a million, times a billion, it will be so loud. So in a way, the collective thinking of the moment is being erased with the thunder. And also we have to pay attention to nature. And we have to change our actions, because of nature, when we can be changing our actions because of nature, as in going towards the beauty of it. And another thing too, that I do for sure, is rely on the gestures of others, to remind me to do things. So I do things more visually. So somebody drinks water, I might drink water, too, because I'm not thinking Oh, I should drink water. But if I see someone else do it, I can mirror that. So I'm remember making a word for that. When I was in the state before I was even diagnosed, I called it a sea minder, because we've talked about reminding people of something. But somebody sometimes can do something that makes us reminded to do something, but it's really a C minor instead of someone say, don't forget to do this. And the importance of that is just acknowledging that we learn from others, we even somebody giving somebody, a smile can be a sea minder to remind us to actually smile at people. And so that's how the gestures spread, they spread by mirror neurons and see minders. And there's probably an epigenetic component to that too. And we could also say, I mirror you to say, I am copying you and I'm copying something good that you're doing or that I need to do to as a human being, it's a common thing. So it's part of the trust of the world that hints out there will remind us to do the things we need to do. And one day I'm hoping to maybe go completely calendar lis and just wander right now I have reminders in my calendar and stuff because otherwise I forget to do stuff. So I think I told the story about how when I was in the hospital that bad time I've seen this pattern of light for probably 15 years. And I've always kind of wondered about it, but I could see the pattern of light on the grass. And each time it lit up, there was an ant there, like the end came out of the light. But it made me realize that that light is the movement of life. It's sort of like the flower of life, possibly. And that is the algorithm of beauty. I saw more of that yesterday, it was really windy. And I also see this sort of fluorescent, green and purple everywhere. And it's really hard to explain with this weird pattern, and I don't see it all the time. But I can see it more in the dark. And it was dark outside, but I could still see the trees moving. And the way the lighting was the trees as they swayed in the wind. They disappeared into darkness. And then they came out of this darkness. And it was just so apparent to me that it's this pattern of emptiness that really holds the material. And it's impossible to explain. But it was just so fascinating to watch it seriously disappear, and re materialize. And it was actually supported by all these strings of purple and green light. I see the purple light more when it's dark in the green light more when it's white. And I've seen this all for like 14 years, which actually makes me feel like this whole process of the change of perception has been going on for a lot longer than even this whole mental illness diagnosis thing. So yeah, and there's this other thing that I see, these are all like, bits of the biology of perception behind perception that we usually can't see. But for some reason I had this thing happen where all of a sudden, I could see it. And it was before that chronic fatigue thing that I had. And I wrote down that thought is a type of dizziness of not looking at the now and giving voice to it. Language is not required most of the time. Maybe language was originally from Beauty originally had a rose from Beauty. And then somehow we managed to turn it ugly. So I might make another video I'm not sure. Tomorrow morning, I will plan some things to do with this car. So maybe I will have some other scenery besides the corner of my little room. And out looking for an eagle or Hawk feather. It was really windy last night, so I just had a feeling that I might find one. Like one would just magically blow somewhere. did find bear poop. This is baby bear. This is mama bear. And they found something else of interest. I don't know where it is. But I didn't find a feather. But I'm wondering if I will at some point. But I just wanted to make a quick video because this is definitely something a man could do is just be out for a walk and then divert to where one feels there might be an eagle feather or Hawk feather. I don't see that other thing. Oh, there it is. I think this looks like some kind of shoulder blade. Some kind of animal. thing that's cool about relaxed perception is that if it's in the field of vision and one isn't looking for that needle in the haystack, peripheral vision will pick it up. So one doesn't really have to try to look for anything. So we'll see how long it takes my brain to find it without trying to find it. Because I may not go out again, looking for it purposefully. Seems like it's sort of like setting. I don't want to say an intention, but maybe a possibility. intention sounds very willful or is possibility invites the participation of the whole universeIt's April Fool's Day. And last night, I was able to reduce the Seroquel by half. And I tried to do that several days ago and it didn't work, I had to take the other half. But this time, I fell asleep with half a Seroquel, one and a half trazadone and the usual lithium, I'm still doing the Hardy nutritionals and I'm feeling pretty good. still feeling a little slow and sluggish. But today, I actually got a lot done emails and things that I haven't really kept up on. So I felt very productive. And tomorrow, I will have access to a vehicle. So I'm actually going to have mobility and be able to go around I want to go to the hot springs and I really don't know what else I really don't like the bugs that come alive when I have my light on. So I'm going to keep this short and I realized that I've taken this much notes most of which I haven't talked about with myself yet. That's a lot pile up. But when I focus is going out and about staying well and getting to ecpr and then after that maybe focusing on eating a little bit healthier because I'm just eating a lot of carbs and not really putting much effort into my health. And I would talk to myself more right now but I really don't want all those bugs to come out. They come out. I don't know where they live but they just appear out of nowhere at nighttime when the light is on. And there might be those q ones with the wings on their head. But I still don't want them all over the place. Good night I'm here at the beach as a free bipolar person. Peter plane in San you can be free to if you believe in your magic powers and then the possibility of possibility and not just believe but the beauty and train. Let beauty animate you Is this a beautiful universe Talk to you later.So I haven't really been doing much self dialog lately, partly because I've been attempting to catch up on other things. But partly, I think it's because I'm still on a little bit of Seroquel. And I remember from last time how, even when I was on one half, I think I did a video at the park, where I was saying, I have no idea what to even say. And then that night, I didn't take any and then the next day, I felt very talkative again. So I'm still taking half of a Seroquel, which I have for the last three days. And I'll continue to take half for a few more days just to make sure that it doesn't come up again, because of how I'm in California, and also how I want to get ecpr. So I'd rather have a clear head at ecpr. But leading up to that if I can just get myself to sleep and all that stuff, then it's good. And when I go off the Seroquel, if I finish coming off of it, then that means that I was able to take it quick enough to stop it from happening. And there was only a two month space between the last one and this one. So hopefully it doesn't happen every two months. And there's a chance I could run out of trazadone because I'm taking more than I usually do. So there's a lot of different factors that would lead me to go home early, but it's looking like I'll get a CPR. And hopefully I'll get past mid May and hopefully I'll get to the end of July. Hopefully with this hardy nutritionals I'll be able to go off the trazadone because I have gone for long periods of time, not being on trazadone at all. And today I was feeling kind of tired. And I'm not sure if I'm starting to experience that. overmedication effect that the hearty nutritionals can do. And tomorrow will actually be the one year since I was hospitalized when it wasn't good. That was a year ago tomorrow. And then I was in there for 19 days. And in a step down for two weeks. So 33 days. So starting tomorrow, this time last year, I was in the scariest situation ever. And it's awesome that a year later, I'm in California, living my dream, stumbling a little bit but still doing it and having a good time. The most difficult thing really is having a routine of feeding myself because it's so beautiful that taking care of oneself is an afterthought. I kind of miss straightening my hair. And maybe that's it. And I'm kind of skipping all over the place in my notebook. Trying to go back to where I left off somewhat. And just talk about some of the stuff could be good to still talk about it even when I'm a little bit drugged. To even just show the difference between drugs self dialog and not drugged. So here it goes. I've been thinking about language a lot. But not really because I'm drugged out. So I've been thinking about much but seems like I was thinking about language and writing stuff down at some point and I feel Like our brains are cultured and raised on thought, in that we hear people, when we're developing speak about the me and the past, and the future. So we learn those language structures. And we're, we're cultured in that we're cultured in the language of me, by a bunch of me speaking about the me. And this is structured in language with subject, object verb. And I wonder if we can create a present moment language and be cultured in that, where we don't meet each other with our past. But we meet each other with what is present. And not just what's happening inside as, and that's what's present. But what is actually there in the moment. perception of the actual and in that way, we're not divided because we're meeting with what we all share, which is everything around us, except for our physical bodies. And I wonder if the brain wants to be present or not, because it seems like it's always running away with thought wanting to be somewhere else, and all that kind of stuff. But maybe it does that because we're not speaking as the present. So the me always wants to be somewhere else. But the me isn't, the brain is just this construct over the brain. Perhaps the brain actually wants to be present, but the me can't be. Because the me is sort of this foreign entity in the brain that warps it away from just seeing and being in speaking as the present moment. And I wonder if the brain is trying to create a culture of presence. And not just culture, as in society, but actually, presence is what is the true culture of the brain for the brain to grow. It needs to see and be in the present to actually grow and change neuro plastically. Otherwise, it's not really changing and quality at all. So something else grows when we're present. The brain wants to be whole, but it's the me that divides it up. And I think the language we speak inside is dopamine dopa me. And I think we speak dopamine, English, it's English, that gets us a hit of dopamine, the way we use our words, externally, the way we use our words, internally, we use that language to get dopamine is tied into the dopamine reflex. So it's English that produces dopamine. And I wonder if there's English, that produces oxytocin. And really, to share and feel connected, when in a way needs to be present. So part of that could be oxytocin. And it could be a reason why someone in my consciousness has a lot of oxytocin traits. And I think the brain is trying to actually create a state even beyond oxytocin, which is beauty. And I think I've seen that dimension somewhat. And I read the study related to that, and I can't really remember what it is when it made me think something about that. But anyway, I'll get back to that some other time. And I was thinking about how some people do a stream of consciousness writing where they just write and write and write and write and write. And don't think and in a way can we have a stream of conscious ness seeing where we just see and see it See, without thinking. And when we see in that way, it produces sound, different sound other than thinking and that sound might actually be something other than dopamine, English. So perception creates a different way of using English. Not in service of the me. And service of the moment. And can we look as the moment, which is not a seeking state, when we're looking as the me, then we're seeking we're seeking, we're looking for something when we're looking as the me. But when we look as the moment we are that which we were looking for, so we just look. And I was thinking about cameras and how cameras capture and translate beauty. And if there was an image already on the lens of the camera, it would actually interfere with it, taking a beautiful picture. And when we project images and sounds as our thoughts, it's in the way of our lens. And another part of the camera analogy is that the camera doesn't talk about itself, it just captures and translates beauty. And those pictures are worth 1000 words. So when we can see with clear perception and take a full video moment to moment of the totality. We can choose with each frame 1000 different words to say about it. So can we create a language of the moment culture instead of a language of thought and the me and the past? That's kind of like improv in a way because an improv you can't really just talk about the me You have to really play on the moment. One can only play in the moment, one can't play yesterday. So it's not really a fun game to always be talking about past stories and problems and things. So part of this language of the moment would definitely be play. I think mania is just the language of the moment. We're definitely very embodied in the moment through a lot of it. So where are the words are coming from or from a different place? Different Dimension in a way. And we speak different from that other dimension. And when we first get in contact with that in mind consciousness, we can sound rather silly because we say everything unfiltered. And we don't question how we use thought inside our head. It's always think better thoughts, more powerful thoughts? affirmations, we don't question thinking in our head at all. So there's language inside our head and is pre formed, going around in circles. And this pre forming is part of the programming. We've been programmed to pre form our words before we say them, but then they're always coming from that place in the past. And so we perform according to our conditioning, there's an undefined, narrator and speaker. And I feel like all emotions are of the past if we recognize them as fear. When we have the fearful emotion, there'll be something from the past giving us a reason to be afraid. And I feel like emotions have a holographic quality in that the emotional molecule actually stores the information of what it is that we're emoting about. So it's not just fear, but the reason that we should feel fear, the little story, the image, the past event. And I feel like this is kind of how emotions, put the brake on map consciousness and bring one back down. Because when one is in the mania side of things, it's very rich and ecstatic and fluxing and flowing. And then all of a sudden, an emotion comes in, and it's almost like a brake pedal, because before it was like this flow of different richness that is hard to define, and then as soon as it's like, fear from the past coming in, it almost grabs that energy of mania and pulls it down. So I feel like this could be the brake system from a person being in map consciousness for too long. So they're not able to maintain that state and turn it into a trade or a stage. And something short circuits and the emotions coming in like that as part of it. So in so called psychosis, there's a lot of fear. And if somebody was in a high state, and goes into fear, they're going to be in a low state quite quickly. So they're almost like, anchors, like you've gone too far into that state, or been too long into that state. And sort of burnt out energetically. And there could be things that we do in that state that lead us to also burn that out. And the emotion in the story when it comes in, like the fear the, or whatever it is, it's the me that tries to tether us back to the limited self. Again, putting the brakes on, it all of a sudden, reminds us who we were, when, in mania, we're sort of something totally different. And changing all the time. We're really with the moment and then the emotion comes in and sort of puts us not in just the moment, but in the whole context of our stored memories over time. That in mania, we forget about, and when we forget about them, we have all this energy. And then when they come back in, it pulls us down. And I'm not saying this is how it is or how it's bad for one and good for the other. I'm just saying it's interesting to think about. And I think emotions keep us separate from the world are helped to keep us separate, because it reinforces the me, which is a separative movement. And if we don't have that blocking us, we're sensitive and empathetic. And using our mirror neuron system, not our emotional system, our emotional system is chemical. And the chemicals come in and produce holograms as well. Whereas if we are just with our mirror neuron system, it's based on light, the light of perception, and sound as well, but actually receiving the whole impression of sound and light on our mirror and being able to make the calculation of responding adequately without thinking about it. It's a different calculation, you almost Watch yourself act, sort of like an emergency situation, when you see something, and you just act. You see what needs to be done right away, you just act. It's kind of like that. So the me and the emotions block the mirror neurons, because the emotions are chemicals and holograms, whereas the quantum mirror is just light of perception and sound coming in not inner sound blocking the sound coming in. And so it receives the whole quantum impression. And they're saying, the universe is quantum. Well, the fabric is quantum and we move as that fabric and with that fabric and change that fabric because we are the possibility makers. And I was thinking that the quantum is a psychoactive substance. And so it's perception. When we see clearly, it changes our brain, it changes our brain chemistry. Just like in mania, our perception is so clear, and we're so sensitive. And it's psychoactive. We're not taking anything but it's actually psychoactive it's acting on our brains to perceive so clearly an act, action and epigesturetics is psychoactive and it rewrites the DNA. So it's sort of Geno active as well. Seeing new renews the brain. And I think we who go into map consciousness, being valued and understood for our unique contribution that we're still waiting to be able to make would be psychoactive. for us and for the people that might listen, it would heal the way we're looked at. And the way a lot of people look at themselves. It will heal the way we look together and the way we speak together and it will heal A lot of things because people who go into mass consciousness do come back with a lot of meaning and perspective, more so than they might have ever realized because they've never been invited to think about it, or consider it, or it's dormant or atrophied because of lack of use. Like one has to use one's gifts when one gets acquainted with those gifts, so we don't use them, then they kind of shrivel up. But I feel like soft dialogue and context and meaning making and talking with each other might provide the hydration, the nutrition, the resonance, the energy to to reawaken these gifts that we have. The light that we have to meet coming out of other people's eyes, depletes us. And I think we need a quantum language, we need a lot of different ways to use language than just past present future. Me, you I, we they, there are so many more ways to, to think about language, whether it's speaking as the present moment, speaking as perception speaking, as quantum speaking as possibilities, or even a language for when two people realize that they can think together on things that they're actually not to separate minds and brains. And I think the way that we use words, actually creates mental illnesses, with the labeling, of course, but even just the way we use language throughout our lives, great separation and loneliness and division and competition and coercion and every form of thing that's against the human nervous system. It's a culture of words, as in the nutrition of the words is, is off. It's weakening us weakens our nervous system, and we're all repeating all of this and then we're not animating ourselves as our most beautiful selves, because we don't have that language of beauty as the nutrition running through our nervous systems and, and in the thoughts fear and soundscapes. And I feel like the me language, the current way language is used limits neuroplasticity, for sure. And it's reverberating through our nervous system and keeping us limited and we're not animated by the universe. And I think this is the major thing, the energies and going through our nerves properly. So one of the things would be to use language differently. And if we think we have a mental illness, then we stop thinking. We stopped wondering, and we were born to wonder. And I wonder if we can go beyond personal separative emotions to empathy and from molecules of emotion to the quantum mirror. an impersonal screen that calculates the lightened sound. So it's a light of perception state, not a material state. So the light and sound hits the mirror and we act, but we don't go through this intermediary state of emoting and thinkingSo last night I was sort of slowly and clumsily doing some self dialogue on older things I'd written down. And then when I was editing it, I often have things pop up in awareness that I want to write down. And then I noticed that some of it was getting a little bit tipping towards the hole going too far with extrapolations that scare my brain because they're sort of like prophecy or premonition, or I'm not sure what they are. But so then, after that, I was thinking to myself, I don't know, maybe I should just not do any self dialog until after ecpr. Because I don't want to freak my brain out. It's a week away, and I want to get there. And so I sort of settled with that and thinking that, well, if I do some, I'll just give a little bit of update of how I'm doing with taking the hearty nutritional supplement and things like that. And then today, I wrote down so much, and it wasn't anything scary. So I was thinking, well, maybe it would be good to actually do some self dialogue on the new stuff. And see how that feels. Because I think there's a bit more energy behind it when the context from which it was written is still kind of there. And I don't know if that's true, for sure. But I just thought, well, maybe I'll talk about some of these things I wrote down today. Even though I told myself, I wouldn't talk about anything, doesn't mean I can't write stuff down. But again, this process can also lead to freaking one's brain out a little bit. But I think that's part of extending the comfort zone of this whole process. Because when one is seeing possibilities, one can see scary possibilities, too. And I thought of a funny one, yesterday, and I wrote down that map consciousness is kind of like Nervous System cleaning. It's cleaning out all the thought structures and programs, or maybe not all of them, but some of them. And so just like one one queens ones colon and does an enema or something, he might look in the toilet. And notice that there are some pretty nasty looking stuff there. And in the same way, my consciousness is cleansing out these old bad structures and holograms that when they're cleansed out of the nervous system, we have to look at them, unfortunately, and they can sort of really scare us in a way because we're looking at them and, and what the mind is imagining feels like it's happening. So it's almost like there's this thought plaque matrix that needs to be cleaned out of the nervous system. And this thought plaque matrix of sound, in a way, is a plaque around the brain cells. And just like the colon can have a mucoid plaque of accumulated stuff. throughout life, it seems like the brain cells can accumulate thoughts and holograms and things that no longer serve us to actually absorb the proper nutrition of light perception of the moment. It's, we're not really hydrating with these new perceptions, because all the old stuff is encasing all the brain cells. And it's like this thought sound vibrations around the brain cells in the brain cells can't respond to new light, sound information. And then, in responding actually create appropriate action and response due to the correct impression. But the scary thing I wrote and I wrote a little Yikes. And I remember last time, when I started to have to take a Seroquel a couple of weeks ago, the video before my brain wouldn't fall asleep. I was saying, Oh, I thought of this scary thing, but it didn't scare me. But I still my brain got scared the next night. So I don't know if talking about this will be bad. I just don't want to scare my brain seems so sensitive. Like it just wants to sit with beautiful things. So to talk about things that aren't beauty gets a little bit scared and wants to run away from that. I was thinking about how we've been programmed to pre form our words, preform our sentences before we say them and while people are talking So we're programmed, and they're not even our words, they're coming from this collective matrix of sound scapes and sound programs that we've collected over time to respond, or react as our knee structure. So it's a bunch of recordings. And then I was thinking about how in science, they say, stuff happens in our brain. Before we do it, and before we're even conscious that we're going to do it. So something happens in the brain. And then we think that we're going to do that thing. So we think we thought the thing, and then that's why we did it. But it already happened in the brain before we were consciously aware that we thought it. So they're saying, like, Is there a free will. But so in a way, the program is responding for us. And it's using our brain and our neurology to respond. And it's already created the response before we know it, and we think that we thought it, but we're being thinked, our brains are being used. Science thinks it's this interesting phenomenon. But really, our brains are being used by these programs. And we're speaking as these programs. So again, it's more like language viruses. And so when we go beyond the program, and map consciousness, we can see these programs. And I feel like when we go beyond the programs, and we're living in beauty, and spontaneity, and all these other rich human dimensions, when we start to fall out of that, because we lose the energy of that. It's one of the ways that we react so violently, to, again, being dipped into thought, is that when we're in those clear spaces of perception, and everything's beautiful, we're very vulnerable and sensitive, and we're acting in the moment based on the beauty that we're perceiving. But when we start to run out of that energy of beauty, and we start to see the ugliness, we react very violently to this ugliness that society has created. So there's some beauty and when we're walking in so called mania, we're sort of seeing that and augmenting that. And it's creating the perception of that is creating new brain cells for that. So that's the blueprint. But it loses steam, I think partially because it's something that needs to be walked out with other people, is not something that is supposed to be a personal phenomenon, it's actually the opposite of that. But if one is only in it by oneself, at some point, it's bound to become something that seems personal. So I think there's definitely an importance in not making it personal. And one way to do that is to be there with someone else. And I was actually thinking today, it would be cool to create a house and live with people who can access this and actually live in a different way, and support each other in this non individualism and not allowing each other to make it into this personal energy and this personal thing, because it's, it's not and I think, going into it alone, is has a higher chance of making it personal. And I don't know if that's true, per se. I don't think that's true for everybody. I think some people manage to go through it and, and sort of a Biden an enlightened state. But I think for people who go on to map consciousness, and then are labeled as mental illness, to go back there safely, we might need each other somewhat. And I don't know if that's true, but it could be another experiment to create a house where people live together like that. Not necessarily a healing house, but just a living house. Do you want to create a respite center, but that would be a little bit different, maybe. So it just kind of freaked out my brain to really see holy crap. Like, we're basically just picking from this pool of recordings. And it's coming up as a reaction. Before we even know it, and it's like living through us. And no wonder after coming down from that consciousness, we're so in opposition to that because it's so fake. I feel like we get triggered out of mania by things that remind us of me. Or things that kind of hurt or past traumas or people being traumatized. And eventually, that vulnerability that is seeing the beauty in acting in the moment is turned back into some of one of the levels of thought, and it's usually not a good one, because the person is very vulnerable, and so can be pushed down to the lowest places in society, because they have no protection of this ego structure. And that's why I feel a family can be a trigger for this too, because family thinks that they know who we are. And when our brain mutates, and we're not really that same me, they can almost cause the mutation to reverse and go back to who we were before. And, and we don't want to go back to that. And then we act out in ways or whatever you want to call it. And then it's seen as symptoms of a mental illness, but really staying at the level of the means a mental illness and, and trying to transcend it with all the pressures of societies is, is a challenge. And that's why I think that it could be helpful to have more people supporting each other to keep these societal structures at bay. So in mania, so called mania brain, the state of seeing and acting, and it can take us on quite a journey and quite a tangent in relationship to one's current trajectory of life. And one can go on a tangent and then go 180 degrees the other way and perpendicular and all over the place. There's no reference to I should be doing this. And it's this time, so I should be doing that which is all functional societal programming, which has a certain place for sure. But with all that extra energy, one totally ignores those things. So we're seeing an acting in mania. And it also happens in so called psychosis, seeing and acting. And one when it goes back to the level of thought and sees the danger of any kind of thought structure, one acts and it is according to that level, which is usually fear, or anger, or all these different levels of the emotions. Actually, if you look at Dr. David Hawkins, scale of consciousness, all these lower levels, below the level of 200 are sort of the emotional reactions that can happen. And that's the level of consciousness. Whereas at the higher levels, then one acts in a different way. So I feel like mania is above the dimension of thought. It's like having one's head above the clouds, and then one dips back into thought, one is seeing seeing an acting, but based on scary stuff, all the thought structures are scary. And one sees when one goes above the level of thought, and dips back in, one sees everything as an emergency. Because above the level in mania, one seeing an acting, seeing and acting, and when we're in an emergency situation, a regular cautiousness person definitely goes into seeing an acting, but one is in seeing and acting when one is in map consciousness. So when one is in the level of thoughts in map consciousness, one sees the emergency of that, and people can see a prophesize where it's going to head if people keep operating at the level of thought. And it's absolutely terrifying and, and one's brain in a higher energy state, then in the level of thought, can extrapolate and associate all kinds of possibilities from this big matrix of thought structures. When one goes up to the level of mania and comes back down, one sees that the current level of society is an emergency situation. And that's where I don't want my brain to go right now. And I was thinking, I'm wondering if ecpr will be a psychoactive substance, that level of compassion that has healed me when that person came to me in the psych ward and, and just listened and with her energy. I think that space is one of the biggest healers and love and compassion are psychoactive substances, or psychoactive energies. And then another freaky thing thing I thought of was, what if language was a privilege. And if it was used wrongly, it could be taken away. Just like law, if you break the law, then someone might be punished. And this isn't even in terms of actual reward and punishment, it's just do we really have freedom of speech or freedom to use language however we want, and how we've used it, has created a lot of suffering and everything. And to me, it's just interesting that now it seems like language is a privilege, or not everybody is able to acquire language. So there's something to this whole, what are we doing with language? And and what is that doing to us, and what does that doing to the next generation, we have to think about humanity as a being as a totality together, not all these separate individuals. And we're actually weakened by the way we use language, the me and, and success and worry and stress, we're actually using language to weaken us. What's really destroying us is language and how we use that against ourselves and each other. And I think language and words could be seen as nutrition. And we need so much more nutrition to balance off all the stress we impose upon ourselves through these programs. And, and they've been imposed upon us through how we're raised and educated and, and the value systems were given and unwritten, over the natural value systems that are innate in our nervous system if it wasn't overwritten. And there's a current of language, there's a language scape. And I feel there's a wellspring of insight that can be given voice to in the moment. And this is a different way to use language, and to allow language to flow through us. So it's a current of insight language, which is something new. It's new in the moment without accumulating, and we become a voice of insight, which is wisdom in a way. And when this wisdom and insights which happens in the brain at first, it's kind of nonsensical, but it can be pruned. It's almost like an explosion of learning every second. And we need to prune our brain, every second, not just, oh, I grew up, I developed I prune my brain, I filled my brain with knowledge. And that

Preventing a full blown bipolar crisis but is there bigger stuff to come?

Play Episode Listen Later Sep 21, 2021 202:10

Last night, I again took to Seroquel to go to sleep. And I didn't go to sleep until like one o'clock because I was up editing all the videos I made when I was totally dulled out. Yet somehow I managed to make five videos. And then when I was editing, I took notes. I thought I would just be dull and be able to just edit things and not really see anything else that I wanted to say. But that didn't happen to be true. So maybe my body's adapting to being dulled out a little bit, I don't know. So it's interesting, since I was able to prevent this from going into any full blown crisis, which I'll never know if it was going to. But I stopped it earlier than last time. Unless this was just a warning sign, and then there's bigger and worse stuff to come. I don't know, I hope that's not the case. So hopefully, I've gotten to a point where I can modulate this and regulate this experience of this process happening. And I feel like if I was able to be supported through it, I might be able to just have my consciousness die back and then come out of it. Okay, but I can't really chance that right now. Maybe that would be a cool thing to make videos about. In the future when I have a supported environment, if possible. It might be kind of scary, but it would be interesting in a way to see what it's like when consciousness dies into itself. And sometimes I get this sense that this happens, because I was supposed to die years ago, and I sort of escaped death. I'm not sure how it works. That's not something I want to consider thinking about right now. And two days ago, I forgot to mention that it was nine months of self dialog. And also, it was the 200th video on that list of videos. So 200 videos in nine months. Right now, where am I at? I'm just really feeling like I want to get to emotional CPR, I booked a hotel room I booked a rental car. And I'm having this sense that it's one of those things where I get to the upper limit of how far I can go. And and then have to sort of start again. And I'm kind of realizing what I'm saying that that I'm not sure what that AI is trying to accomplish. Maybe the I can only go so far. And then the rest is up to something else. Or consciousness goes that far and then has to come back and start again, like dying a number of times in life. It's like wiping the brain clean. But then there is some sense of memory of self. And it might not even be stored in the brain. It might just be stored in the body or stored as knowing that there's some kind of recognition of who one is. I don't even know where to begin in terms of talking about my notes. I took 25 pages of notes between last night and today. And it's strange because often, when I have an insight into something, it feels like wow. Not like that's it or anything. But it just keeps going. It just keeps going and going and going. Like I could talk to myself, forever. And I was listening to an interview, or a talk with Dr. Daniel Siegel today on a neuroscience online summit. And it was very fascinating talk. I really like his work. And I made a bunch of notes and extrapolations that I want to talk about. But one thing he said at the end of the interview was that we are nature and we are each other. So I always find it fascinating when people say these things. That is something, someone who is in so called mania or psychosis might say, and they're saying it from an actual felt sense. experience that they're touching and tasting in that moment. Yet, if that person is different than usual, and having other traits of certain so called symptoms, then they're called mentally ill and really to, to me, it seems like their mind and their brain is touching something beyond. And people will say those things intellectually. And they're saying them based on maybe physics or, or different scientific theories that Oh, yes, there's this oneness, or maybe they've, or maybe they've had a tiny taste of it. But some of us have been immersed in it. And since we're not used to that mode of operating, it can't last as it is right now. And then when we come back, we're like fried. And instead of being cared for, we're called mentally ill. And it's just a bit bothersome that. All these amazing researchers aren't quite piecing this together. And a lot of times, I think it's because they've never been there. They're researching this state. And these places, and these physiological things, and neuroplasticity, and all these things. But they've never been in that state where all cylinders are firing in all areas at the same time. And, and what that's like, and I just want to say, for the sake, talking to myself sake, that he was mentioning stuff about integration and how integration is linking the differentiated areas of say, the brain, and how people in bipolar disorder. They're having a problem with those linkages. And so they're not integrated, and they're not integrating. And I would say that there's something more to that. And I don't know for sure, but I have the sense that if the brain is catapulted into a different dimension, one that is based on oneness, and all these other principles and laws of life that we don't operate on, on a daily basis. If that consciousness is a consciousness of we and I'm not separate, and I don't feel myself separate at all, then to me, it makes sense that that brain would become disintegrated in terms of the me and the separate self. So the current supposedly integrated state of the brain is of this self sufficient individual ego and that's the vantage point. So if somebody goes into this world of oneness, and synchronicity the brain is trying to integrate into something else. And it fails when it comes back down. And then people have regular consciousness say, oh, you're, you're bipolar or you're schizophrenic or something. The brain doesn't want to integrate into this society. The current integration and healthy brain is healthy in the context of this unhealthy society. So to me, what he's saying with that doesn't quite make sense. I think that if one of those supposed disintegrated brains, was invited into dialogue, and to actually share their perspective of what it's like to go to that other world, to have that brain state, then in talking with people who haven't been there, there might be some common ground. And there'll be an integration between people that have been there and people who haven't. And that would bridge both brains to be able to integrate up to a different level of seeing and being that isn't necessarily completely all the other world. But it's not just this one. And people would love to have those conversations, but any of those conversations are always being received as this is pathological. Yet, an integrated brain in this current level of consciousness, or a somewhat a little bit higher can say, oh, we're one and we're one with nature? Well, we sure are. And I've felt that and I've been that. And maybe back here, when the brain comes back here, it's blown apart in disappointment, that other people can't see it and feel it too. And be there too, with that person. So the brain has to come back here and it basically falls apart. And then it's all recovery back into integrating into this crummy society. So there's a little bit something missing there. And he mentioned that some researchers found that things like bipolar and schizophrenia, demonstrated impaired integration. And I think that when we go into map consciousness, and transconsciousness, our brain goes into a state of integrating with the whole as the whole. So we're integrating nature. We're actually becoming one with nature, and we are one with nature. And to be one with nature. The current integration circuits have to disintegrate. So I feel like we have a brain state that is integrated when it's in that level of consciousness. But we'll never be measured when we're in those levels of consciousness. Because how can a person who's not in that level of consciousness even see what's happening there? And he also said, What's important is that every mechanism of regulation that we could look for, we couldn't find a single piece of evidence to go against the following statement, that neural integration is the essential mechanism beneath the regulation of anything we could look for. And I wonder, what about what you can't look for. And I do agree that neural integration is key. But what I'm wondering is that, in that state of say, so called mania, something else is being integrated beyond. So somebody is in a very high state hyper learning, very active doing things and like a kid again, that's changing the brain in lots of ways, and then when we come back to regular consciousness, the brain seems disintegrated. Well, it's actually just become non adaptive to the current structure of society, which is actually the point of map consciousness to see a better world that's existing right now, which is a different brain, state and brain traits. And we could have those brain states and traits if they weren't received as crazy. It's difficult to put into words the flavor of what I'm feeling about that. It's like going to this other state Southern world and knowing that one's brain is now adapted for that world. And when it comes back to this world, it's difficult to operate. It's like walking in poison. So why would the brain want to reintegrate into this poison world and being okay with it, because it's not okay in comparison with what we've seen. So our brain has gone beyond integration. It's disintegrated to the me. And everything in recovery is to get this me back and functional and integrated. To move about as an individual and society, well, maybe there's a higher level of organization. And I've been there. But it seems that the brain is not quite completely adapted to that world. And it's definitely not wanting to reintegrate into this world. So it's in this mode of balancing between the two. And we go up to the other world, just enough to allow the mind to create that world through us. And we come down to this world, just enough to let the mind continue to create this world, this crappy world that we all share. Because if the brains really went up to that other world, the lower world would fall apart. So really, were the links to this other world. We've already seen, and it's one already, not intellectually, but actually. So we're, in a way, the neuro plastic humans that are reaching into that other world with our brains, and it's pulling us up there. But we fall back down and we need some compassion, not being said that we're defective, and we can't integrate. We're holding the two worlds together. Because if it gets to a point, where the mind no longer wants to hold the two worlds together, the so called integrated world of people walking around feeling like they're separate, is going to implode. It doesn't take much to disintegrate and a supposedly integrated mind, just like was mentioned with the open system and then nonlinear and the tendency towards chaos. Well, that's what happens to people who go into altered states like mania and psychosis. The only difference is that when that happens, on a mass scale, people who have already gone there will be used to it. And then all the so called integrated people won't be so in my mind, the integrated people need to learn from these so called dysfunctional disintegrated people. They're dysfunctional because they're half walking in a world of oneness. And they're tripping over this crappy society. And yes, we are nature. And when we destroyed too much of the differentiated, complex nature that holds everything together, it will release a terror of thoughts so awful, that we won't know what hit us. Because we're destroying nature's complexity, and diversity. I shouldn't say stuff like this, but I can see how easily it would happen. Thought is supposed to be a helpful tool for human beings to share energy and information flow, to create, to celebrate and to preserve complexity and diversity of the Gaia sphere. Not just humans. But now we've used it to own things and create these means the separate me's. And these means that want to cling and accumulate things while people starve, and diversity gets destroyed. And we wonder why kids are being born with brains that can't integrate any of this shit, because none of it's worth integrating. And we've hit a critical point where the diversity of nature has been destroyed too much to the point where now, unfortunately, consciousness can even enter the human body properly. The energy and information flow of thought and knowledge can enter the human brain, our most prized possession, now children can't even absorb it. So what value is it? So if the mind uses the brain to create itself, the mind sees through the brain and sees through the eyes. And it doesn't like what it sees. It's trying to get humans to see things beyond just the me and personal thought complexes. The mind sees what's happening to the whole mind, to the whole manifest mind, the unmanifest mind sees the manifest mind and modifies the body to gesture in a different way to act upon the mind to regulate it. The brain must disintegrate from the me in order to integrate nature and relationship. If one doesn't become a nature mystic, seeing the beauty and value of nature, he will attempt suicide. Well, I think that's enough angry messages for one day. I don't need to get myself all worked up. But it's okay. Because I can just poison my brain into being some semblance of myself or so integrated into the world of thought of me my knowledge, my there's my that. We don't know there's another faculty of the brain beyond that, which is intelligence. Thought is the intellect but it's not intelligence, and intelligence integrate something else. And maybe intelligence is what disintegrates. The so called normal integration of the brain that is actually just neurotic. We're disintegrated from nature. And if the mind uses the brain to create itself, it's going to use thought to destroy the me. And the me is just thought. But the trouble is that when thought tries to destroy the me and one is strongly tied to that, when might think that they need to end their life. And I think map consciousness is the energy of integrating the mind. And people who go into map consciousness need to be supported to integrate the mind. And one way we can help integrate the mind is to talk about experiences of the mind. And he talked about a definition of energy. He said, the movement from possibility to actuality through a series of probabilities. And I wrote down that's what mania is. Everything feels possible and that becomes actual through a series of probabilities. But the trouble is that when one is in that state of possibility, and moving it into actuality, as time goes on, the probability increases that one will be called insane. Because a person in that state appears crazy to the mechanical mind. So there needs to be some kind of dialogue with mechanical minds to understand this life, process of the mind, and let it know that it's not pathological, and that it needs to be supported. Because it's actually an integration beyond the current integration. But it's being held back by the current level of integration that thinks that it's healthy. That other world is moved by love and how do we increase the probability of getting to that world moved by love and not by thought? Where we move with the world as the world and not as an abstractionAnd then Dr. Daniel Siegel, who I think is a genius, but has never been in the map conscious state. In a way, I guess I would like to integrate, and link. I respect everything he's graded. But I would like to create a differentiation and linkage to include other perspectives of so called bipolar and schizophrenia as just mental illnesses. When I feel like we have gone beyond even what he has created in his research, and then when we come back, it's like a burnt out light bulb with sort of fried our circuits, but and he said, that knowing of consciousness may come when the energy position is in this plane of possibility. So I feel like he's saying awarenesses and possibility, well, that's what happens in map consciousness, we are very aware of possibility and that so much as possible, it's a shift from thought to possibility. And then he said, in the plane of possibility, you reach down into infinity, time disappears. And it's a state that's basically the same for all of us, which is like oneness. And really, with what he's saying, he could have a label of a mental illness. Yet, because he's a researcher, he can get away with it. But if somebody else came and said those things and said, I actually experienced that, then they'd likely just get a label of a mental illness. So I just find it very contradictory to say certain things intellectually, you have people who are saying it experientially, are getting labeled. And it makes sense that if somebody goes into that state, or time disappears, it feels infinite. There's possibilities, there synchronicity, the brain is going to change. And maybe it changes to such an extent that when it comes back down from the state, it's disintegrated. It's like putting 100 watts through a 50 watt bulb. And he talks about practicing states to become traits. And I think I talked about that before. And it's the same with mania. One can practice the manic state, even if they're not in that state for those gestures to become traits. And then, when it's actually tied into the neurology of the body in the brain, then one can handle that energy when it comes back again. And he mentioned how Einstein said that the self is an optical delusion of consciousness. Well, that's definitely so. But I've been to the place where it's not an optical delusion, that the self is an optical delusion, it's experienced that there is no self. Actually, I think that when a person goes there, their brain totally changes. And then when they come back from that state, when their brain sort of loses the energy and isn't able to maintain that state anymore, because it's not practiced. It's something new. Then when one comes back, one doesn't really speak the language in the way that it's spoken here, and then they sound odd. And then, because they're not talking properly, they are diagnosed with something. And then he said, other people are us. The planet is an extension of our body. Now, that all sounds very psychotic to me, yet, I know what he's saying is true. Because I've felt it. I feel like if he was to take a group of people labeled with bipolar and say, all these fascinating statements, people would say, yeah, so that's Yeah, that's true. yet nobody will listen to the suppose of crazy people and they say stuff like that. I think crazy people could come up with a lot of interesting stuff that wouldn't take 20 years of research. Because when we're in that state of oneness, we are the researcher, we can just see it with our own eyes. So really, people who go into those ultra states and get labeled are actually researchers of the mind, the mind sent us to that other dimension to see it an experience and feel it and bring that information back. And those insights back, but those insights are called symptoms. Or how we feel when we're being re acclimated to this linear and logical reality that we supposedly live in here. We're supposed to be helping them, because they exist in the level of thought, and we went into the mind and intelligence. But we keep quiet, because that's the compassionate thing to do. And he said, Be an integrator find chaos and rigidity. And there's a lot of that defined in the mental health system. So maybe I'm a mental health integrator. And he mentioned that we're telling kids a lethal lie, that the self is a separate thing. And yet, the same kids who bought that lie, who somehow 15 or 20, or 25 years later, see that it was a lie, and go into the no self state, are pulled back to themselves, by society in the mental health system. So there's those of us who do see through the lie. But then we're given another lie that were mentally ill for seeing it. And he mentioned an example of right and left brain not being integrated. And he said, why not give people an opportunity to see their living with half a brain. And I feel like people who go into map consciousness can help. Other people see that they're not living with their whole brain and their intelligence, and their wakefulness activated, we're not living with our full potential of our brain. Nevermind this half brain, left, right. And all these other ways to integrate the brain. I feel like the mind can integrate the brain in a second. It can push the brain into that other world. And I feel like mania is a journey into being more integrated with go along this path that the mind pushes us along, and we become more and more not the me. And when we become not me, and we have no protection of the me, we rely on other people and the world. When that happens, relying on people and the world, with the world as it is, one can't last in that state. So when does get collapsed back into an ego, the protection goes back up. And when it does, it's really scary. It feels like death, it feels like dying from that innocence of not having this me self, to having that reinstalled painfully. So look outward, have insight and be born into the real world. And I wonder if we can strengthen the manic circuits, the manic sense areas of the brain, I feel like that functionality is something beyond anything that has been really defined. And it's probably undefinable. And as soon as one tries to define it, it's gone. Because the one that tries to define something is defined and how can the defined define the undefinable It's impossible. And I've been thinking about science and how the gold standard is really to repeat an experiment and have it verified by other people are so obsessed with repetition and memory and, and, and proving and stuff. When, if we drop that what is there there's an ever changing flux and flow of a perception. And when it's clear, and not muddied by the second guessing and wanting repetition and proof of something that can never be repeated. Then there's just living I feel like we all have our brain trained in terms of science, like, we have this objective observation. And that we can repeat things. But by thinking that way, it makes it seem like there is objective observation. And that things can be repeated. So we're actually confirming that by setting up science that way, when if we didn't think that way. Maybe it wouldn't be true. All right, what I'm trying to say, in a way is that we're so muddied up with so many things that we think we need to verify and repeat things, for it to be true. But if we were truly clear, and one and connected with intelligence, we would see it with our own eyes. We wouldn't have to look elsewhere for verification of something. We would live in possibilities. We would live as energy and possibility not wanting to confirm stuff for what are more obsessed with repetition, then just rhythm. When we can see rhythm and relationship, then we flow with it, we don't mechanically repeat stuff. But turned ourselves into robots of thought, and we're trying to break out of that the mind is trying to break us out of that. We're in this invisible cage of sounds reverberating through our nervous system and controlling us when we think that because we can sort of steer a little bit with thought that we're living. And somebody asked a question about, he had nine levels of integration. And the last one was kindness. And they said, if you just do kindness, won't it sort of integrate all those lower levels? Something towards that effect? And he said, Yes. And I was thinking about how in mania, we're very altruistic and kind. And I think the traits of mania integrate the brain in so many ways, without having to practice it becomes part of daily life. And daily life integrates the brain, through the gestures, and all those things that I've talked about. thinking there's a me there that's going to be integrating stuff is counterproductive. Because, above all, that there's the no self, state. So why reinforce this meeting? There could be some value, but I think it's just limited. And I think actually, the real integration is, with a lot of the manic traits of wanting to dance and saying and being spontaneous without trying is just how one is one celebrating like we did as children. And that's the really integrated state that's not mechanical, it's living. The integration is trying to break down the mechanical illness. So being playful, and the manic traits I think, would integrate beyond, and he mentioned the word neural perception. So I made up a word, my perception, which is mmap map perception Which is mind action potential or mind action possibilities. The mind has a certain action potential, it potentially ate certain actions and gestures and playfulness that is something way beyond practice. There's no one there to practice is just is just your state. And in Ken Wilber terms it would be about making that state a stage. And that's why embodying one's mania is important. Again, our brains aren't integrating because it integrated into something else. All of those structures in the brain that integrate memory or integrate this or integrate that they're all structures of a me they're all structures of a scarred human being. kids aren't born with those all filled up with memories and junk. And when one is in mania, one doesn't need that information. And so it just blows apart. And then we come back from that state and we're not allowed to talk about it. We'd love to talk about all of our experiences if we weren't being looked at with the pathological lens. And the only way for a brain that is disintegrated from returning from mob consciousness, to integrate is unconditional love and not judgment, because unconditional love and oneness is what the brain is now attuned to. So people regular consciousness people can show that and be that then allows the brain that safety, to share what it needs to share in order to have dialogue with regular consciousness people in order to allow them to see that other world that all their years of science is a very slow process compared to what would happen if people just listened to people gone there. And listening to people who have gone there is no rocket science. Just takes listening and care and attention.So I just got my bottle of hearty nutritional supplements in the mail. And it's a really big bottle. And I'm just about to take the first one, it's evening time. And the first three doses, you just take one and then the next day, you take two and blah, blah, blah, up to four at a time, three times a day. And they were saying that in about three weeks, I might need to reduce some medication, but it varies depending on the person. So I need to watch out for side effects of medication because the stuff could make me have side effects as the medications become unnecessary. And I was really hoping to do this at home when I was back home, but I'm experiencing things and I'm slowing it down with extra medication. Last night, I took to Seroquel. And I was laying there for a while. And I couldn't quite fall asleep. And interestingly enough, I felt this energy kind of at my root chakra area. And it felt like it was kind of swirling around. And I had this sense that it was that Kundalini energy they talk about. And it just started moving around. And I thought to myself, Oh, no, you don't like not now. And so I took another Seroquel. So I have a feeling that since the process this time didn't really start and then get medicated, it just sort of barely got initiated. And I took medication knowing that I don't want it to go into full force. But it feels like it's still wanting to go to some kind of peak, but I'm not letting it. And I'm not sure what the result will be. Because I don't feel kind of like last time and other times I've gone to the hospital where it's basically gone into full blown, whatever you want to call it. Crisis distress, so called psychosis, whatever, PTSD. But this time I stopped it. So in a way, it's good. It's like a next step where I haven't let it get out of hand, I've put the handle on it. But in a way, when it gets out of hand, it sort of comes to a peak and then plateaus and then drops off. But I feel like I'm in the space where I'm preventing the peak. And I've never really been there before, except for maybe preventing little peaks, building up to the big peak where, basically I guess what happens is I lose control. And not that I'm out of control, because I'm actually in control. But there's an element inside, whether it's scary stuff inside that I'm not in control of and it's just sort of there and running its course and it's terrifying. And I just don't want to get into that absolutely terrified state. But in a way, I feel like if I keep just stopping it, I'm gonna have to continue to drag myself. But maybe with the help of these supplements, I won't need to do that. So again, even though I've experienced crisis five times this one is somewhat different. And again, I thought that I would have a good five and a half to six months before anything started. So here I am, in California, in the exact scenario that my family was afraid of, and I didn't think would happen. But luckily I can keep myself safe. I haven't really told anyone and there's no one really to tell too much too. But I've told one of my friends back home and they are prepared to come and escort me home. But I really want I get to ecpr. In April, I booked a hotel for one night to go to the class. And I just really want to get a sense of if it's going to be helpful. And it's interesting because I found myself in a situation where I really wish I was surrounded by people who know this emotional CPR. And and I wish I just wish I could let go of this energy. And let it do what it needs to do. I feel like this time, I almost wish I could just go into that terrifying this and, and because once it starts, then it comes to an end after a couple of days, and then I'm okay. But this time I seem to have stopped it from happening. And now I know it's still there. It's not like, Okay, got to the worst point. And now it's only gonna get better. I'm just afraid that it's still gonna come out. And that, I guess I'll have to go through it somewhat alone. And interestingly enough, after my last crisis that I got through without my family and community, so wonderfully, I said, Maybe next time, I'll just do it by myself and not tell anyone. And now I'm in the situation where I might end up having to do that. So I've been wearing my heart rate monitor. And I'll wear it to sleep to see if my heart rate speeds up, because that's what happens. And I'm not really afraid of it for myself, I'm just afraid of it for the situation that I'm in. And I I did sort of say to myself that if there was any sign of anything, I would make my way home right away. And so even in staying here, these two more days, so far I've gone against that, that just don't want to I don't really want to cut it short. So I really I'm just so hopeful that this supplement helps me because if it doesn't, I might just have to go home or continue to really drag myself with Seroquel. Which is fine, but it's difficult to get through the day. And again, it feels like I'm trying to stop the thing from happening versus just get through the fallout. And it feels kind of scary because of that. So I guess if I can get through the next couple of weeks and go to ecpr if I have to go home after that, I guess I have to but the thing is too is that I could allow myself to go into that state and just get over it and take a week to get over it. And then just continue on. I just feels like Time is running out. Like I'm trying to hold myself up against a force that I'm not sure what it is and I just really hope this stuff helps. And I was always thinking that it would be cool to document coming off medications. But I didn't know I'd be forced into a scenario of doing it. Of a sort of desperation and I have my and I have my zap strap kit I've been carrying with me with extra Seroquel and that way I can always Secure myself to something. And I have my medical ID bracelet that I'm wearing. And I just really hope this doesn't turn into one of those stories that I end up not making it. And then my videos are discovered. And then people are like, wow, too bad we didn't have more helpful services for people to get through this stuff. I really want to get through it and be able to help people because the medications are helpful, but they're also not helpful. There's like the tiniest little caterpillar I've ever seen. See it. I was thinking today if there was just going from looking at hummingbirds to looking at the next thing to the next thing. Infinite delights outwardly, we'd never have this experience of inward anything. Like the tiny caterpillar. I didn't know. I didn't know caterpillars could be that small. Today is a hummingbird really close he was flying and drinking out of all the little flowers. There's so much beauty. I feel like I need to practice some of the things I've talked about, like posture and things like that, to make sure that I don't get crushed by this. Gonna go so I'm gonna take one of these pills. And, and that's the thing I get so confused. I forgot I could take more trazadone instead of more Seroquel. And so tonight, I'm going to take more trazadone to try and get a good sleep and keep this energy at bay. And I was even thinking that I wish that I could have a retreat with Shawn Blackwell because I think after the Kundalini thing happens, there's holotropic breathwork that happens naturally. I actually remember that sort of what happened the very first time it was like this energy that made me pretty much collapse and just lay there and breathe. And it's kind of a scary process to lay there and breathe like that. So bottoms up good documentation. It does work. feel better already. He's getting stuck in my knuckle here. thinks it's one of his friends. Do you feel Caterpillar I see you were so tiny Okay from my buddy tiny Caterpillar in his natural environmentSo I found a quiet batch here, out in nature, somewhat protected from the wind. And I've been meaning to do a bunch of self dialogue, because I've written a lot in the last while. But it seems my attention gets called to things like beauty and nature. Like yesterday, I was making the video and then this tiny Caterpillar caught my attention. And it was so cute. And I spent at least half an hour with it. And then I spent an hour editing the video I took. So an hour of my time of that day was taken up by this tiny Caterpillar, and I felt like I could have spent even more time with that caterpillar. And I hear something walking this way. And I just want to make sure it's not a bear or something. So stand here for a second. But then today, just as I found my little spot here, I sat down, and that's the spot. And I looked at the tree, and there's a bunch of ants and I thought, Oh, well, that'd be cool to film with my macro lens. So I did. And then I put it away. And I looked back. And with my regular eyes, I could see that the ads, little bombs were having light shine through it, they were looking transparent. And I thought, Oh, it must just be the way the sun is shining. And so I was wondering if I could capture that. And so I started to capture that and it looked kind of like the light was shining through it. And that was what was happening. But then I realized that they were actually lighting up their bomb, and changing the color from a gradient to totally lit to totally dark. And they were communicating with each other. And I've never heard about ants communicating in this way, though. It's likely that people who study ants know this. And so I recorded them rhythmically lighting up their bombs to communicate to each other and also colliding with each other and and there was definite, intricate communication going on there. And it was just so beautiful and fascinating. And I recorded it. I don't know how well it captured it. That's the thing that it seems like the brain gets drawn more and more into beauty. I wouldn't say drawn more and more into it that makes it sound like it's a distraction. Whereas really what is all around us is infinite beauty of nature and even of humanity partially. And then there's this tiny little fragment that is the unbeautiful ways that humanity is programmed itself to act out of these beliefs and scarcity and everything. One thing that's not scarce is the beauty of nature. But we've turned our attention away from that, in favor of things like technology. And I'm not against technology. I'm not against anything. But all I'm trying to say is there is this infinite beauty that the concept of scarcity doesn't exist. And that's an infinity available at each moment. But we've been hypnotized into turning our attention away from that. And it's not just about frolicking and beauty all day long. That's not what I'm saying. But it's almost like our brains are so out of tune with it, that we can't even tune into it at all. I was the fact that I was able to spot this tiny Caterpillar on my leg without even really seeing it or looking at it closely. I just said it out loud, is that a tiny Caterpillar, and then I had to look. Whereas if I would have just seen this little black thing moving, I would have thought it was a disgusting little bug and, and flicked it off or something. But I don't find any bugs disgusting, necessarily. But so it seems like part of this thing is going in and out of beauty. And I think when the perception of enough, beauty is channeled through the nervous system, through actually seeing it, and being with it, and witnessing it, and being in wonder of it, I think that's part of what might spur this distress, because the nervous system is more attuned to beauty. So it then has the sense to release more of the Holograms stored in the nervous system and brain. And that can be distressing. And it's not a conscious process. It's almost like when we absorb enough beauty subconsciously, or subjectively, then we're processing some of the non beauty through us. And the thing is, oftentimes, when we're in distress, we're met with moving towards being psychiatrist, and going back into society and the systems that aren't beauty. But when we're in the beauty, we feel it and we know it, and we don't know how to speak that to those who don't see and feel it. And then we can actually get quite distressed because we're going back into societal programs. And not just for us as an A me that wants to be here loving the beauty and all that it's as a system of humanity. Just like the answer communicating something by flashing their bums, people are communicating by flashing in distress and it's not about the me the answer and talking about me, they're they're communicating as a whole. And so we're not communicating as a whole of humanity. And so people that go into beauty, when they're coming back, because you can't really remain there, because not everybody's there. Then we're walking towards psychiatry, instead of being received non judgmentally, to be able to process some of that pain. And it might not even be a matter of people who go into that consciousness being like, I have all the messages for you, society. And now listen to me, it would be even just more being able to be supported through processing those energies, because we're processing those energies for the whole. And maybe it isn't even a matter of one is better than the other, it's just a matter of some people are really processing it and feeling it and, and sensitive to these other energies and frequencies and sounds and, and noise and everything. And really people who are doing that should be honored for their ability to process some of this stuff, and kind of keep quiet about it and let people who don't sense this goes about their life and their business and whatever they want to do. It would be wonderful if one day, people who went through these processes were seen more as having a unique place in society to really be able to sense things and supporting a person to learn that language. Because again, that language isn't even about us as people who go into that state and them as people who don't, we don't need everybody to go into that state all the time. But it is a unique brain state. I feel it is a unique neural tribe. And the fact that there's a lot of research going on about all these different altered states of consciousness, but people who go there Cuz they're sensitive to things. Their whole being is just sensitive. It's not like you can make your being sensitive, you can't say, okay, no be sensitive, no, just the universe makes some people sensitive, in order to process some of these things and also support society in being able to move towards other meanings such as beauty, then just these mechanized things like technology. And that's the thing, it's going from a living state, which is very feeling and alive and embodied to being chemicalized. Back into this mechanized way of being. And it seems like one is just this living state, and the other is this sort of robotic state. And that robotic state is necessary. And it's not necessarily bad. We have to be so called robotic in certain ways when we drive a vehicle and we learn, but we've become robotic, and how we drive our consciousness. And then the people who go into those states where all sudden they're released from that robotic control consciousness that, that contrived consistency, while they're pathologists and says something's wrong with your brain, when really, we've just been released from that consistent program that we all believe in, in society. So anyways, I, I'm really having a sense of these things, and I, I have different senses of things all day long, but it's hard to really capture all of it. It seems like there's a world where we're moved by consciousness, itself, and then a world where we're moved by thought and everything in between. But that isn't something living, but it has control of our living energy. And when that control is released, it takes a while to actually adapt to it. It's like the next adaptation. It's like natural selection. And not all of us who go into those states of consciousness make it and yesterday, when I was editing the video, I was noticing how drugged I loved and how bloated my face looked and probably looks still kind of bloated, for sure. But I think that those extra medications sort of slow down one's voice and it's even in the facial structures and how it sort of inflames and bloats the face and and this morning, I took another one something over there. I took another one tablet of the Hardy nutritionals and then for lunch, I took another one. And at dinnertime I will take two and I'm feeling better today. I'm feeling not as much like something is being held in. So hopefully that could mean that I'm on the mend. And that blocking it was a good idea. It was definitely a good idea but I'm hoping that the blocking didn't make it so I'm going to have to constantly block something versus when it gets to the peak gets somewhat out of control that I know that it's just tapering off. So between feeling better today that's a good sign. Last night I took one Seroquel and two trazadone instead of the night before I took half a Sarah have a trazadone and three Seroquel. Somehow my brain just didn't quite compute what to do. So I will definitely keep going with that. And I wore my heart rate monitor and I'll show you what it looks like when I'm falling asleep. And I don't have the comparisons to the nights before when I was actually really in more distress because I wasn't wearing it. But wearing it actually feels like somewhat of a security I don't know why, even though it's not really going to do anything, but maybe it's almost a gesture of saying to my heart, okay, I'm going to pay attention to you. I know that you're stressed. I'm going to manageI want to start by juxtaposing the philosophy of the recovery scenario with a quote by J. Krishnamurti, which is, it's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. So to me, recovery is about adjusting back into this profoundly sick society. When I think in my consciousness, there is a discovery of many things to move away from, as well as a lot of other things that one could say, to actually support the society having more meaning. Because the brain goes into the hyper meaning state, and is able to harvest a lot of meanings that people can't usually see. I just remembered something I remembered last night. I had this voice. But it wasn't really sound. But I sort of heard and felt this thing, telling me to just have fun with it. Because writing all these things down and then making videos, sometimes I get behind. There's no real purpose to it. But I've sort of set up a purpose somewhat of catching up, as opposed to just having fun with this process of self dialog. And it's not like it hasn't been fun. And I'm not like trying to actually do anything except talk to myself, and see what happens. It's just a tiny shift to remember to have fun with it and not be whatever, I don't know, I don't think I was anything. But I just when I heard that. I was like, Oh, yeah, I am having fun. But there's always room for more fun. And I wrote down that the body is being used to project images. And with that we relate. So we're communicating based on these images we project. And we're not communicating based on calculating the gestures and the movements of the moment of what someone's saying, as a movement, as how they move is how they stand. And when we're projecting the Holograms, when we're meeting the world through this holographic projection, we can't actually see what's there to calculate. So if I was so stuck on making self dialog that day, I probably wouldn't have even seen that little caterpillar. But it got picked up by my beauty perception apparatus. My beauty sense, it's probably another sense, that is just so atrophied. Whereas It seems that my mind if something's within the field of consciousness, that is beautiful. It will naturally select that. So I think this map consciousness is actually a process where we're looking as beauty at beauty, and selecting for that. I think we just have so many areas of the brain and things that haven't even been discovered, because we're not perceiving in that way, we're not being in that way. So those areas of the brain would not be activated epigenetically, an epi gesture radically. I think the body is afraid of holograms. Because in a way, we're afraid our holographic image of ourselves will get damaged. And even when I go into those states of distress, there's a little bit of thought energy and some kind of energy and it could be the holographic energy of memories or, or, or prophecies or, or whatever hallucinations or delusions, whatever you want to call them. And the body reacts in fear. Because we're used to reacting in fear of these holograms that we're projecting ourselves. So I think there's just subconscious holographic projection crap left in my body and I think that's what gets breathed out. Holla tropically. And maybe when that's gone consciousness, in its purest form, re enters the body and can see through the brain. And with what Dr. Daniel Siegel was saying about the brain being integrated and in regular people Not in people with mental illness or something, the regular brain is trying to be integrated with thought. It works based on the fuel of thought. Whereas a brain of somebody who's labeled with something like bipolar or schizophrenia, is trying to integrate insight. They're trying to integrate infinity, which is beauty, actually, it's the beauty of the moment. But the beauty is negated when thought structures come in, and try to grasp onto a little piece and say that it knows what it is. So we're missing out on this infinity. So yes, their brain has disintegrated from thought of me, and my memories, and, and my stories, and all these things that are supposed to get integrated into this society as it is believing in these separate me selves and the importance of our own little stories. All of that becomes actually meaningless when somebody goes into map consciousness. But it's very hard for the brain to stay there. And actually, it's possible that part of the brain does stay there and people who go there now exist in superposition states have multiple realities simultaneously. So So if some major rearrangement of the entire universe happened, because it's all based on consciousness, consciousness is fundamental, not matter. One has a piece of consciousness in multiple dimensions, like, one left a light body version of themselves in the dimension of beauty and consciousness, and then, and then fell back into regular consciousness and then got labeled in this material reality, and came back here to help actually help people level up to that level of consciousness that is in a world of beauty. And, you know, part of it could be that some people just don't exist there. And some people do. And, yeah, it's this whole, we're all one consciousness, multiple bodies, as we walk there together, yet people don't see it, certain people die, and people are going to die anyway. So we wouldn't really notice that that's what's happening, we wouldn't really notice that certain people see it, and then they go there. And there's lots to that. And I don't want to get all crazy on you, though, I could say that stuff all day long, because I've seen it. But it's really irrelevant. what's relevant now is, is receiving people who are in distress with unconditional love, and helping homeless people because they are there in that other dimension. But here in this dimension, their brain is so disintegrated, that they can't move. But if they were given some love, and unconditional notice, a lot of them would actually be quite saintly, but they just are so saintly, in a way that and so compassionate, that they'll just sit there and, and wait for somebody to recognize this. And, and, and die waiting. And this whole matter world is actually way too dense for their consciousness, and they can't even move, barely, just enough to do a few things in a day. And then they have to take drugs or something to to increase the fluidity of their body to be able to move around. And then people think that they're just mentally ill and stuff. But they kind of ventured into that consciousness a little bit too quickly, without everyone else. And, and they're sort of the test in a way that will we look at them and say, you know, you're loved as a member of humanity. And here, we will support you to not just come back into this society, but they might actually have some really good messages for us to hear. But I get off track. And I say this because I can see what they're doing, I can extrapolate my experience to their experience. And I can see different trajectories of my own life and where they might go and, and they might already be there. And I'm not really sure which one I'll end up in. And that's kind of up to the progress of everybody and not even progress, but just how people choose to see this. Like certain people in the world have been recognized as having high level of consciousness and people see that and they're able to maintain that high level. Whereas if somebody is seen as just having a mental illness, well, that way of seeing that person, that consciousness is going to keep them there. It's all about perception, and we're sensitive to the light coming out of other people's eyes. It's almost like we know how we're being looked at And then we play the role. Because if we do anything else, then we're just seen as more crazy. So it's life energy integrating through the brain, life, integrating life, not integrating thoughts. And the me, that doesn't really have much to do with life, and thought energies in circles, whereas life energy is infinity. If there was a way to put these dis integrated brains, these so called mentally ill brains, in paradise in a world of beauty, they would probably all of a sudden be completely fine. And actually, I remember the very first time this all happened to me, I was talking with the psychologist and I was not doing well at all. And then, as soon as I went outside, I felt completely different. I felt like I could be out there all day. It was almost like I was free. But then as soon as I went back home, I didn't feel well, again, I felt like I was back in the energy of the structures. And I hope I do okay, when I go back home, is actually might be really important to actually get myself quite strong in my brain before I go back home, even if it's in a month or two months or four months. Look, know, when making noise. You're not a bear? Well, he's pretty cute. So yeah, our brains are disintegrated because we're in the wrong environment. And it's a sign that it's just the wrong environment, in general, because anybody can have an integrated brain and then it can disintegrate. The energy of an infinity is much greater than the energy of thought. And the glue that holds thoughts together to form this illusion of me. separation is an illusion. So it won't really hold together. In my mind, the mind is trying to create new traits. So the mind uses the brain to create itself. And the mind can create the brain. It can change the molecules in the brain, it can have an effect on the brain, it can make the brain grow new structures or change its structure. It's trying to create the trade of seeing the meaning of beauty. Because if we don't do this, we're gonna destroy the planet. What are you doing? Oh, he's cute. One of them's never hung out with me this long before. I actually thought of revision of what Dr. Daniel Siegel said. He says, the mind uses the brain to create itself. I feel like the mind changes the brain to create itself is changing the brain towards beauty. And I think this is what happens with the hyper neuroplasticity. And the brain growth induced by perception of beauty. It grows the brain in areas to perceive more beauty. And one day people will be more attracted to beauty than non beauty and technology right now we're all attracted to technology. And he said the mind can change molecules while the mind can turn on genes and things and and that's probably what it's doing. It's making epigenetic changes to the brain such that it produces some of the neurotransmitters such as DMT and blah, blah, blah, and all the flow chemicals. This can be turned on by mind and consciousness. And each time it happens, each time it creates that brain state, it's exercising that brain state. So it'll eventually become a trade. So I think those manic traits are very important to actually practice because I feel they can be created through gesture. But in the mind in desperation that we're not gesturing in these ways, and reaching out in these ways, makes it so we're animated to do so by changing our brains. And if we do it ourselves, the mind doesn't have to do this. And I was talking about superposition states. And I know, I have several other superposition states where I exist in other realities simultaneously. And myself dialogue in a ways making this mind as this person, relational, and maybe other people can relate to some of it. Because it's not really personal thing. And in a way, the mind is trying to make us more relational, by animating us in ways that make us more relational in terms of saying hi and smiling and being joyful, and dancing and singing and being spontaneous, and all these things that in our regular daily life, we wish we could be, some people get the blueprint for another brain. And then the mind is compassionate in that it gives us the opportunity to walk there ourselves with our material body, but we have to gesture ourselves there. There's really something about this reaching out and how we reach out and just reaching out, not reaching out with a certain motive, but just the way we reach out. And he spoke about linking the differentiated parts of a complex system and how we're complex systems, where we're actually trying to link the differentiated parts as in other human beings, other minds, nature, these are part of consciousness, these are part of the mind. But we're actually in the way we're integrated. Now. We're disintegrated from most of the mind for most of what we are. So I just feel that there's certain aspects that are missed a little bit when one hasn't necessarily gone beyond the current limitations of the brain. Because one then doesn't have that vantage point. And then the people that do have that vantage point, are put at disadvantage, by the way they're treated and seen and received. So is it impaired integration and bipolar and things? Or are we trying to integrate something else, I feel like beauty is trying to integrate into our mind, and trying to integrate our mind and brain. And seeing beauty and, and just being able to understand nature by just looking at it is a different form of intelligence. If we all had that we wouldn't need science, science is all about manipulating variables to find some kind of useful thing that we can manipulate further to control something. But when we understand things, we understand the beauty and the intelligence and the elegance of it. We don't destroy it, we let it because we know it has its proper place. And plus, it's fun to just go around and learning about nature from its source. Being able to see beauty and understand nature, or just be with nature, I don't know if it's understanding it or have some kind of communication or communion with it is is the most incredible thing. It's better than any TV show that we have. And I wonder I've asked the question, does nature exist? If we're not looking, and when we're not looking and loving and paying attention to it? It what starts to disappear? Peekaboo Peekaboo. So yeah, impaired integration in bipolar is definitely, in my mind, a limitation of perspective of a mind who's never taken multiple perspectives or infinite perspectives or actually felt like they were a bird or an all these other experiences that are somewhat disembodied, but actually give consciousness, an algorithm by wish to calculate something else, which is the beauty of things and the interrelatedness and the interconnectedness. And it's like an education beyond any other. That gives one the perspective that is so needed right now, to be able to see through other perspective students know just looking at something that it's valuable, and it's unique and it's special, and it's a differentiated part. And by perceiving it and understanding it and seeing its beauty, that is the link That links it. So the more we look at stuff and realize its uniqueness and value and have a conversation with it, and not just cut it in and scrape it and squash it and throw it, then we're differentiating, and linking the whole mind every single thing in nature to ourselves. And that's what's happening in the bipolar brain, just one of the things, there's a lot of things, it's quite unlimited. But I feel a lot of the value of the bipolar brain is squashed. When a person who said Well, you're mentally ill, you're defective, you have to take medications forever. The thing I feel partly is happening for me is I can take medications to doll certain aspects, like the thoughts coming back in or whatever it is, or, or some of the systemic crap that is difficult to be sensitized to, but is becoming less powerful, and being able to actually dolmio completely to where the intelligence is not operating. So it's like getting more strong after walking around with a lead body suit on and one needs to do that when one is living more in the field of consciousness and less in the field of thought. But in the field of consciousness, one is very open and sensitive, and has to be in order to perceive this way. So one can become more subject to everything in the field of thought, which most people's nervous systems are attuned to, and, and see as the normal fuel. But when one is sensitive, and the beauty is the fuel, then thought, energy becomes poison. And one has to poison oneself, to be less sensitive, to not experience that stuff. We're all one consciousness, and it's related to the brain stuff. And I can understand somewhat, what's happening to people who are labeled as mental illness, what's happening with homeless people, and what's happening with autism. It's when you look at it from the perspective of the human brain, not my brain and my ego and my thoughts in me, but the whole brain and, and the function of the human brain, what it's doing and where it's moving towards. And you can see how certain brains get diverted along certain tracks. And you can see, if you think about it as the evolution of humanity and how it's evolving, you can see why these poor children are being born with brains that won't accept the thought programs. More and more of us are becoming allergic to thought programs, and the mechanical nature of it. The planet cannot withstand having more humans on it with these mechanical thought programs and operation. And I don't think the kids with autism are doomed. I actually feel like they just need a different medium. They need different timeframe. They need a lot of beauty, a lot, a lot, a lot of love. And again, well we love them. We love them. Do we love the homeless people? Do we love the people who get altered states and then come back to this reality and then are pathologized how are we receiving these people? How is the system of thought receiving people who don't seem to be able to acclimate to this mechanical system of thought? I got through nearly one page of 30Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Falling in gravity is faster than thinking - the field of consciousness animates us bipolar bipolar

Play Episode Listen Later Sep 18, 2021 173:07

I wanted to set in that corner there, because lizards are here first. Guess I've just said somewhere else. So the lizards moved. So I took their spot. And I just met a really friendly bunny rabbit. And some butterflies on a hike I went on today that was probably about four hours. So I'm a little bit tired. And I was thinking about flow as choiceless awareness when I was on the hike, because of what Jamie wheel and Steven Kotler talk about, if somebody is like falling to their death, and they managed to save their life. And their reaction time and their calculation of things, is faster to the point where they're able to save their life somehow. And basically, they're saying it's faster than conscious choice. What is conscious choice, it's a bunch of programs overlaid over our senses. So instead of sensing and acting, we're enacting this so called conscious choice. And so they're studying how it's easier to get into flow in these states, where the body is put under sort of extreme circumstances. And in those extreme circumstances, there's no point in choosing with those programs that we've been conditioned into seeing through. So it's a bunch of conditioning, that is the thing that we think chooses. And all of that is the accumulated me programs and, and knowledge, so we're choosing through our knowledge. And that knowledge is overlaid over our senses. So we're not sensing things holistically and acting with our senses without thinking. And so what I'm saying is that, to me, it sounds like what Krishnamurti talks about with choiceless awareness. And what that means, in a way is that there's no programming, they're doing the calculating, which is the choosing. So if, if there's no one there choosing, then what is choosing? Well, what is choosing when one is falling to one's death, and managers. Without thinking, like, basically, the person is falling in Gravity faster than thinking. So gravity, the speed of gravity, and falling in Gravity is faster than thinking, we can't think and decide, oh, I'm gonna put my hand here and I'm gonna put my hand there, and I'm gonna do this and that something else comes in. So something else is choosing something else is moving us and animating us. When we're falling at the speed, that gravity induces on us. And I feel like in a way, consciousness itself chooses, but it's not really choosing. So an ego mi program might choose between a bit or B bit. Whereas when there's no programming they're choosing then there's infinite bits available. And the conscious will or the me or the ego is choosing between very limited amount of bits, that it's been programmed into choosing between. And so I was thinking about how, while walking down the mountain, down the switchbacks that when we walk And we're going down a mountain we fall. So we're not actually walking as much as falling in gravity. But we're able to control that with our legs. And in the same way, we might think we're choosing to move our legs, but we're just moving our legs and gravity's helping. So there's this sort of play between the two, there's this dance. And I feel like we also have a field of consciousness. And the programming prevents us from falling in the field of consciousness. Whereas if we were just falling in the field of consciousness, that field of consciousness, in combination with it, impressing upon all of our senses holistically would animate us, and that would allow us to act without choosing. So much of our movement anyway, we don't choose to do but it's sort of partly gravity and partly us. So I think there's this other element, this field of consciousness that in a way, in map consciousness, we're falling in the field of consciousness. Without the programs in the way, the programs are kind of the net, the parachute that allow us to sail through life and give us time to like, make these decisions and things when another parachute is a false structure. So the reason I'm saying this is because it demystifies it in a way, not just these few words about it. But to act like it's some big mystifying thing that we need to be falling out of the sky in order to go into is making it seem like it's something so on unattainable. I feel like the field of consciousness. It doesn't choose that makes it sound. The field of consciousness animates us. So just like walking down a hill in the field of gravity, the field of gravity is helping to animate us. So the field of consciousness when it interacts with our body, and all of our senses, animates us. But there's this tension of our programs that constricts us, and actually keeps our animation very limited and fragmented. According to very few programs, it would be like being in a video game and having very few moves that one can do on the controller. It's like the difference between the original Nintendo system and Sony PlayStation, the latest one, there's just so much more that one can do. So the original controller would be like the choices, the programming that we have now. And we're being controlled by the programming as opposed to the totality of the mind and the field of consciousness and the universe. I can see this stuff so subtly and clearly. It's fascinating. It's like studying the animation of the mind. And I'm wondering if the self dialogue about all of this is seeing all those subtle nuances of it. To learn that language, and then it's like progressive training of seeing and perception Because the first experience of map consciousness is so intense, but then as one explores the subtle nuances of mapping consciousness itself. If one is seeing it that way all the time in daily life, then it's not like being blind one day, and then having full vision, the next. It's having that vision every day. And then it just seems normal. And again, I still haven't come off my medications or anything. But I'm hoping to do that when I get back home. I'm not sure what the language is. But I also feel like it's the language of, of beauty. Because beauty isn't human abstractions and programs. It's not the way we've been trained to see. But it's everything else. So one way to see beyond it would be just to see when one is seeing something that is a human construct. And I wonder if words can be used in service of beauty. I think that must have been how they originally came about a sense of awe and wonder. But now they're being used to divide up and fragment the beauty. At which point, it's no longer beautiful. And perhaps we need to speak that language, again, in order for the human brain to allow human consciousness to fully inhabited again, in terms of the upcoming generation. And we have all these words running through our nervous system like static like noise. And we don't have words and perception of beauty running through our nervous system. And our nervous system is designed to perceive beauty. So if we want to get back to its original function and design, then learning that language is important. I was saying to someone that if you ever see me kind of just standing there and walking in circles, maybe that I'm in a holding pattern, waiting for the next thing to catch my attention. Someone to walk up and say, Hey, you want to do this? Or do you want to do that? It really is just like wandering with love, like that shirt that I have. And I feel like the mental health system could be a type of holding pattern for people, it's holding them in that pattern. But we can also start to transform into wandering with love. And wandering with love in a way is like allowing the field of consciousness to move us an understanding that it will catch us just like our legs will catch us each step we take down a mountain. Right now we don't use all our senses. We just use our me sense, which is our programming. We filter everything through the me and we make choices based on that. Can we allow our senses to be in the field of consciousness and start to awaken our senses holistically and move us as The moment just like we move with gravity, what can we gravitate towards? With consciousness? What can we conscious Tate towards? So part of it is learning the language of perception, perception action in the field of consciousness. And partly why things can get a little bit dicey is when we're in the field of consciousness in lower levels. And a lot of times we act accordingly, we act out that level. And I feel it's important to sort of protect oneself from that. Because we become more like ping pong balls, then having these programs of control. We could even imagine that everything we think and imagine if we projected it out of our eyeballs, and that energy of those images and sounds actually has force in terms of making something happen. It's an active agent. So what is the light coming out of one's eyes? Is it good images or bad images? And beyond that, what about no images, because the image we're projecting from our eyes is the choice we're making. we're choosing to extract that information from reality, which is usually based on old information. And so not projecting any images and being choiceless li aware is a qualitative difference. And then anything is possible because our perception is clean and consciousness itself. That energy field of consciousness can animate us towards that which the mind would want us to create. And these images that we make are our partiality. And they make life partial. And we're re experiencing from these old partialities. And it's actually a limiter. The light and sound we project from ourselves limits all of the information out there. And I don't know what I don't know to what extent that is necessary. It seems to be necessary. actually feel like the consciousness animating us versus choice from programs. It gestures us, it acts through us, as us. And through those actions. We move towards something else then. Our programs which is actually moving away from life. It's contracting away from life. It's contracting away from actually meeting the mind. And when the mind and the human beingness meet. And there's no me as this mediator. Then the mind is what moves us consciousness And then anything becomes possible. And I feel like in a way, with these crisis events that seem to happen, it's like going as far along as one can, on that particular path of the mind animating oneself. And then one gets to the limit and it becomes fearful. And it's a type of death in a way. I feel like one could be dying to alternate realities. Because one sprain is in the quantum state. And then when one goes far enough along that path, certain realities have to die. But one experiences that as something terrifying. And one might even have to experience that extreme terror in order to sort of save other people from experiencing that. Because there's so much terror out there that people are not experiencing, because they're using certain means to get through it. And there's nothing wrong with that, per se, but it's not resolving those energies, they have to be resolved some way. In consciousness. I don't quite know how that works in terms of this whole mechanism of terrifying pneus. I feel like we could gesture ourselves quantum. I wonder what kind of lifestyle design would facilitate being open to possibility and, and moving in possibility as possibility. Instead of moving in programs as programs, and I've already had that sensation in my consciousness, I'm just wondering why it seems to for burnout. And somebody once said to me, of higher level of consciousness, don't push let it come to you. Not really sure what that means. But I feel like it partly means that it doesn't take time. So it doesn't matter if I sit here in the same spot for 10 years. And then if I got up and I was moving in possibility, whatever was meant to be created, could be created very quickly. Or it could be created the same way if I got up and did that now. So it doesn't really matter. In terms of time, and it's already here, it's a matter of really just going for it, I guess. Whatever that is. And I feel I'll take some time to figure that out. Maybe I'll continue to wander after this.I was reading a bit of a book by Krishna Murty called fire in the mind. And there was a bit in there about listening. He said, Those who are passionate to find out who want to hear will listen, not to me. And then he said, it's in the air. And I think that's the subtle hearing of insight and seeing of insight. And I sort of realized that seeing in that way is harvesting insight and giving voice to it. Seeing those subtle things, I can see what I'm saying. But it's hard to really put words to it. And then I also realized in a way, I'm harvesting my mania right now, even though I'm not in the state of mania, I feel like I'm doing everything I would be doing. If I was really manic, but I don't feel manic. So I guess I'm embodying my mania. But I'm also talking about stuff. And I'm taking pictures of my notebooks and posting it on my blog at a later date. And that's something I would totally do, if I was just really manic, I would think, Wow, this is so profound, I need to share it. And I'm not even thinking it's so profound, I need to share it, I'm just sharing it for the heck of it. To really not have any build up of anything, partially, because I just forget. So I can't even really think of accumulating stuff and then waiting and then sharing it later has to be done right away or not at all. And that's kind of part of how the mind works in the process. So it's just going according to a different an edited process. And that's the thing, too, is when one gets into that state of consciousness, it's an unedited state, there's no pre forming of words and planning what to say. So just really getting with that in every aspect of life. Not thinking anything is worth clinging on to for later. So I'm wondering if I'm in that higher energy state, but not feeling it. And I talked about in earlier videos, how the neurology grows in ways to be able to contain and harness that energy and not be overpowered by it, because there's more nerve tracks for that. And I don't even know if that's true, but it seems to have some kind of truth to it. So I'm doing these actions that I would do if I was really manic, but I'm not. So in a way, I'm just living that way, congruent with what that energy would animate me to do. beyond my suppose of control, but the thing is, once I have the nerves for that energy to animate me in that way, it doesn't feel like I'm out of control. Because it's not energy beyond that, which my nerves can handle. If you know what I mean. So in a way, if I was surfing a wave that was bigger than the one I'd ever surfed before, I might feel like I'm gonna fall or I'm out of control. Whereas if I have served that same size wave a million times, it's gonna feel natural. So it's the same thing with serving consciousness, that wave of consciousness, energy comes in, and the nerves have to get used to moving in those ways. And that consciousness can come in and take over any one of us. So really being able to move with the wave Consciousness is imperative. Because if a big wave comes in and takes over even more people, it's going to be really chaotic. So the more we can move towards embodying those gestures and ways of being, the better. And I had the sense that choice is a program choice itself. And that is the fundamental program. Whereas when that program is gone, then there's just the census on adulthood. by choice. And I feel like what that consciousness is, is the unknown in a way, so we have to be fully able to sense the unknown, and act accordingly, instead of being always projecting our programs, and then acting based on that. And one can have access to that energy and be acting and acting and acting with the unknown, and then get to a point where it's beyond the comfort zone of the nervous system. And it gets freaked out and turns back. And I wrote down, there is a possible world filled with love. If we were all filled with love, if we're all moved by love, what kind of world with that great. And I feel like the real app of reality is epigesturetics. Every move we make is recorded in the fabric of reality and moves us towards a certain possibility, we can choose a different action. The next moment, if we're always acting, based on the movement of love, that doesn't take time to figure that one out. So we can immediately changed our path. And I feel like our gestures harvest and uncover that world of love. As we move as love, it's like our bodies are painting that into actuality. It's kind of like carving a sculpture. And as we move in the fabric of love as love that sculpt us as well, it's sculpture, neurology, and our body. It's like a game of love. And our body is quantum it has quantum effects, it makes things possible. It creates, and it has a certain range of motion, and gestures. The music of love can play through us. gestures, and words are the notes of the quantum body instrument. Can we go from seeing problems to seeing possibility? And we've been turned into thought processors instead of quantum processors, possibility craters, and our thought process creates a vortex of sound that keeps us separate from the flow of life. And, and that listening that hearing. We can't hear that subtleness when we're listening to our own thoughts, we're giving voice to the past so we can't give voice to the moment. And we've superimposed our thought process over life process. And I wonder if freedom is from the pre formulation of words. And I want to say again that Krishnamurti said that meditation is unpremeditated art. So nothing premeditated, nothing going on in terms of cognition. And I feel like that's a similar way to saying, harvest practice, embody or practice one's mania in a way, it becomes an art form. So in a way, it's the art of mania. And maybe that's part of math consciousness is the art of living. There's no formula for living and if one puts a formula After living, then that's not living. Because formulas aren't alive. And human beings, and other living things aren't alive. And I don't think we live in reality, we live in mi ality. And I wonder if our language can be our fruit. A plentiful harvest that we share the fruit humans produce is language. And right now we're not really making fruit with it, we're making weeds and weed killer can our language be of insight and create vision. And I wrote down a peer, as in one peer, and to peer as in two people. But what I was looking at was a peer is what appears and to peer is to look deeply into. So a peer to peer is what appears to look deeply into. And I was thinking about that in terms of my brain, buddy, and wondering what we'll end up talking about, we might talk about our experiences. And there could be commonality there. And it might show in a way that we speak the same language, a language of seeing an experience and seeing beyond experience, and what it possibly means and harvesting the fruit of language differently and sharing it. I wonder if so called psychosis is fear leaving the system, or fears of leaving the system of thought, because there's some suppose it safety in that it could be fear of change, fear of transformation, fear of breaking out of the chrysalis seems like a bit of a tide, this energy comes in this consciousness and animates us, and then it goes out. And then when it goes out, all the things on the sea floor are exposed. So they have to be adapted to when there's no consciousness, and when there's a lot of consciousness. So in a way, we have to be kind of like barnacles. And our vision gets written over by programs in the structure of thought, like the mental health system, we speak in a different way. And we're speaking a little bit out there and not quite making sense because we're learning a new language of perception. And so afterwards, we learn the language of pathologizing ourselves. But it would be cool to still keep learning this language of perception and being animated by consciousness. That's kind of like when you're a kid. And around one parent, you know, you can be goofy and around the other parent, you know, you have to be serious. It's sort of like, realizing that we're being subject to certain authoritative structures or not. And I was thinking about falling in gravity and how the body takes over and the senses take over in order to save our life. And I was thinking that the speed of consciousness is kind of like, the speed of falling in gravity. It's way faster than thinking. So again, it's just the brain operating at a faster speed. And it's a speed faster than thinking. So when we think that we are thinking process, then it can be scary, because we think we're out of control. But really, it's just faster processing. And then the slow processing of thinking is afraid. And that it's sort of like if somebody falls in Gravity, and they managed to save themselves somehow. They're not and they realize it was quicker than the speed of thought. They didn't have to think about it. They would just be happy that they managed to save their life that and in that way, when the consciousness comes in, it's happening to save life in a way because it's life energy itself, this time. Consciousness. And thought, is delay. It's dividing up life. And so sometimes we fall in consciousness. And then after it happens, we're all thinking and stuff like, Oh, this means I'm ill or something. But it could have been some other mechanism of healing and helping the brain and life and the field of the universe. It's a faster processing. And again, since thought can never be faster than that process of consciousness, we can never really think about it and encapsulated, so there's no real point. So when it's over to say, that means it's all this mental illness and stuff that could never capture what actually happened. Or even after something like a terrifying so called psychosis, just forget about it. And so when we're in that map conscious state, we're being pulled by strings, kind of like puppets of the environment, puppets of perception. Right now, we're puppets of thought, are puppets of the past. But we could actually be puppets of the universe. The word puppet is kind of funny. So being a puppet of the universe is like being fully alive. Whereas being puppets of thought, is just being a biological robot. And this choice process is very binary. It's good or bad. Whereas the consciousness is animation. It's multi dimensional animation, being animated by the sights, the perceptions, the insights, the sounds, the feeling, the smells, everything all at once. So the quantum is a computation of animation. And thought is a contraction of this animation. It tones down the animation by toning the nervous system with sounds. And I feel like we're animated by gravity and consciousness. Just like we can fall in Gravity, we can fall in consciousness. And we don't actually fall in consciousness, but it's the faster speed that is faster than thought, that renders thought obsolete. And then that's when we're flowing with consciousness. And consciousness is related to gravity, because our thoughts contract our nervous system and our muscles and change our center of gravity, and it changes our degrees of freedom in motion and how we gesture in actuality. So, less thoughts mean, less gravity means more consciousness, and more action and more degrees of freedom in gesture, which gestures in these other realities. And these thought, sounds, images through our nervous system, prevent clarity of perception, that is needed for the fluidity of action and learning. And I say learning because this perception is its own learning process and we learn to move as consciousness and as the moment fluidly as opposed to moving. According to Richard programs, it's actually learning how to be alive in a way. Learning how to move in the field of consciousness, learning how to dance as loveI feel like the mind of humanity, the total mind is trying to free us from the thought that was necessary. But the mind of humanity is testing whether it can release us from those programs, and trust us to perceive and act as love. And it feels powerful. And so when we get in touch with that power, do we share it? Or do we use it against people? Would we use it to hurt? Or would we use it to help. And I feel one of the measures of this is how we act towards nature. So can we look at another creature doesn't matter where it is on the totem pole, and look with love, and respect and admiration for the part that it plays in the whole. And when we do that, it's registered in that creature. It's registered in the mind of the collective of that creature. And that creature knows, just like how today I was sitting, and a lizard just came up right beside me, and then ran over my shoes that I had taken off and put beside me, and then started sending himself. And seems like we all have thought, parachutes. In order to slow down, moving in the field of love as love. We're attached to our me, we don't understand what would be acting if we didn't have this parachute of thoughts. We can fall in love, but we can't fall in Gravity, we can fall in consciousness. I think part of my test was years ago when I made that video with the flies. And I was in awe of these flies. And in a way, it could have been my invitation into these perceptions, and starting to make sense of them backwards and forwards at the same time. And I said in the video, I wouldn't hurt a fly. And one way to get into flow is to look at nature beyond human constructs, and not look at the separate thing and name it but actually see its inter relatedness and be curious about what it does with its time and it's life energy. I wonder if we can let beauty run through our nervous system, run through us, run as us and animate us are meant to be the most beautiful creatures on earth, with the ability to appreciate beauty, to look at it, and also to make more of it. But we're using our beautiful instrument to destroy beauty. And we don't realize we're destroying ourselves. I was happy to find that quote, in the Krishna Murty book that says, when we destroy nature, we destroy ourselves. Because I had that sense a long time ago. So beauty is the fuel. Truth is perception. And love is action. But all those could be interchanged. And I remember Krishnamurti saying that, that beauty is indestructible. Think the indestructible element is that beauty. That's always there. I feel like thought is a holding pattern. It's holding so many human beings in a pattern. And really, we want to be released from that pattern. And the me is a pattern. And I feel like our senses become a quantum sense. We sense possibilities. We see relationships. And that's where we learn. I was editing a video and I was watching myself and While watching myself, it was the first time I really had this sense that I could see that I'm speaking what I'm seeing. Because I was going on and on for like 10 minutes. And as I was saying more and more, I was actually speaking from what I was seeing. And I'm always doing that. But it was the first time I actually could see myself seeing as I was speaking. And I probably could before but it was the first time I was really aware that I was really following what I was seeing, as I was saying it because it was the first time I was hearing it, since I said it, because I say things from nothing. But I really had this extra sense of seeing what I was saying. And maybe that's good in terms of if somebody watches this one day, if one can actually see what i'm saying, When I'm saying it, or see that I'm saying what I'm seeing not saying stuff from pre formed thoughts in my brain, because that's really, the whole point of it is to be able to see and say for yourself, or listen and say listen to these subtle things in the air. Really, we just want to be in touch with that voice and give voice to that. Because it's infinite. I wonder what happens when love loses control. Seems like thought is trying to control this love. It's afraid of it. I feel like what we project out of our eyes, the light and sound limits possibility. It's premature collapsing of the wavefunction. We don't allow all the information to penetrate our being and then make the quantum calculation and respond with our full being. We respond according to the programs and images that we're projecting. So it's like that light coming out of us. And that sound coming out of us that is invisible to others is meeting and breaking up all the information, light and sound coming towards us. And so it's chopping up all the information. So one can receive the whole impression on the clear mind screen and collapse the wave function. And I feel like it's actually that's part of what creation is, is is having that correct information clearly. impress upon one and then responding creatively. One can respond in many possible ways. So it's not necessarily one correct response. But it's definitely likely actually all correct responses doesn't matter what you do, really. But when one is choosing between programs, it can never be a correct response because it's old. And it's it's gone out to meet the information coming in and and impinged upon it and impeded it. So, one is even getting any of the information. So So when all the information is collected in a quantum way. One has the degrees of freedom to respond in many possible ways. And the thing is that when one is in touch with that, one does even really know oneself what one is going to say or do exactly. And in that way one is kind of entertained by oneself because everything is surprising even what one does, because it's not coming from past programs. So if I even think about my day to day, I didn't really plan anything. It was a day of complete possibility. The past is collapsing. The present is impinging upon the present. Or it's actually making it so we can't collapse wave functions. Because there's a hologram in the way. After my hike today, I caught back and everything seemed brighter. Even the kitchen, it just seemed so bright. And there was an orange and I picked it up. And it seemed so bright. And I was thinking about how beauty is related to color. So when things seem more beautiful and vibrant, it must have some kind of association to the quality of the nervous system. And it's sort of a measure of where one's at. If one can be in awe of an orange. When one is seeing oranges all day long for for several weeks, then that's the different quality beyond the things as they are are the things that we would normally measure them as like this is an orange, big deal. And I think there could be a diligence in consciousness to keep the programs in abeyance. And I feel like consciousness is when we are really awake. So there's a sleep state, which is sort of like glow. And then there's a programmed state which is kind of like no as in knowing things acting based on previous knowing and also an O as and just saying no to the living, whatever one is encountering and the awake state which is flow. So glow, no and flow. I hope to create perceivers seers people who can see meaning and unfold that. Can we be masters of mania, of the wave of consciousness, can we serve that wave? Can we be moved by celebrating possibilities instead of conflict and problems? And I feel like medicating changes our voice from possibilities to problems, from the movement of consciousness and the mind to the movement of thought and programs.I was thinking about today how it's quite safe to flow here where I am. It's safe to be a ping pong ball and just bounce around doing whatever, because whatever it is, that I run into, will be something safe and beautiful and have a harmless quality. And I was wondering, if I take that same movement of this brain and nervous system out into society, that it doesn't really translate well, and one can run into fearful things, and respond quite strongly or want to retract quite strongly. And when one is moving around, sort of randomly, one can start to accumulate a sense of unsafety. And then feel like it's actually safer to retreat to the programs of thought and society, and move around based on those. In a way I feel like so called psychosis is the fear of being alone outside the programs. So if there were more of us outside the programs, we wouldn't be alone outside the programs, and it wouldn't be so easy to get afraid. And I was thinking about awareness and how we need to be aware in order to make an art out of our life. We can't be unaware because unawareness is defaulting to the programs. And beauty is our full self. And I feel like I can see beauty in nature. And sometimes I have a hard time seeing it in humanity. But I remember being able to look at people and change people into their beautiful self, a self that I don't even feel they were aware was contained within their being. But I think looking with those kind of eyes, changes people. I wonder how to do that. I sort of had a sense of wondering about the possibilities of the human brain, because in that state of so called mania, there was this in touchiness with those possibilities, but not really understanding how they worked. And it could actually be just the seeing possibilities and collapsing the wavefunction around that. But the trouble is, one eventually sees scary possibilities and sees one moving towards that. And it's scary. So one retreats. So moving between perceiving in problems and perceiving and possibility is a dance and a flux that maybe we have to get used to until the brain is more settled in that seeing of possibilities. Because when the brain is in that state, it's actually creating those possibilities that it sees, because we're usually seeing thoughts and a very limited reality based on that. So it's almost like the brain being comfortable with infinity. And can we glimpse people into wakefulness. And when we first get in touch with my consciousness, it feels like we're out of control because it's faster processing. And thought, tries to come in and resume control. And when it can't, then we see that we're not our thoughts or there's a power beyond our thoughts. And I feel like the nerves have to release the sluggishness of the thought programs. And I talked before about random DICOM provisions. I made up this exercise thing where you stick weights and go weights and wrist weights on into Sort of spin around and, and in a way, bring space into the body. But I think map consciousness and so called mania is a type of random de contraventions of the universe. The universe gives us synchronicity, and all these different things, but they're actually deprogramming language and gestures, to see that there's other forces at play, and for the opportunity to play with them. And I sort of just saw that when one has access to all those powers, oftentimes it gets used for oneself. And when one comes back when realizes that the point of power extra energy is to give it to others, because if only one person has power, then it's usually used as power over others. But it can be used as energy to share with others, so they have it too. So the nervous system is learning to act faster. It's like the nerves want to act a certain speed. But then thoughts are getting in the way. It's almost like how elite athletes have mental blocks. Sometimes they're overthinking things, and they're actually not playing as well as they can. Like they're really close to the championship point. And they play really poorly in the last part, because they're overthinking things. They're thinking about the result. They're not just playing and this state is actually not about results, or goals or anything like that, at all. So as soon as one wants to use something for a result, or particular thing, then the power is gone. And then all of a sudden, I came up with this crazy theory, that thought is an illness that has infected the human nervous system. Consciousness is trying to heal us of this. It's trying to purge the programs and the thoughts. And map consciousness is a ti programming language. And just as we wouldn't listen to two songs at the same time, why would we listen to our me voice? And then we can't hear the universe. Me is the noise that prevents hearing the universe. And I wonder why did our nervous system get infected with sound? I wonder if it's human percept to deficiency virus. The sound is inner sound, blocks our perception. And there was thinking about the term ESP or extrasensory perception, and how in map consciousness we get in touch with quantum sensory perception q SP, when I wrote that thing about being infected with sound viruses, I got freaked out because I had some premonition like extrapolations from it. And then I realized that if we're infected by a language virus, or a sound virus, then it's mainly a problem of how we use language, or how language uses us. But really, if this is what it's partially about, then it's helpful. We've been taken over by the sound of our own voice. And when we see that we can use our voice in creative ways, and also to give voice to beauty. And that's not a goal. It's not something to do in the next 10 years or to attain it's something that can be done now and can only be done now. There's no goal in beauty. We can't make beauty into a goal. And if we saw this beauty and spoke as that we wouldn't think in terms of goals.Two nights ago, I was trying to fall asleep and I couldn't fall asleep. And then I felt like I was going into this vast emptiness. It was almost like I could feel myself. Looking into the unknown, the void consciousness itself, I could see the patterns and the play of light. And it felt like that play of energy was the energy that created all things. And it could create anything. I saw a big fish swimming. But it was like the energy pattern of the fish. And I had the sense that the fish could just easily be created from the energy because the pattern is there. And in a way, all the molecules and biology is a result of that pattern. So it might look like all this complicated evolution has to happen. But really, all of that complexity rests upon the pattern when it's manifest. And then I just felt like my consciousness or consciousness was trying to leave my body and travel all over the place and And when that happens, it feels like it can start to feel scary. My heart was pounding and then I was feeling pretty terrified, and I got up and I grabbed a Seroquel. And I took it. And I also put my zap strap beside my bed, and then I unlocked the door. And I also grabbed my phone and the charger. So that's sort of my little safety plan. Because I know if I had my phone, then I can call for help. If the doors unlocked, someone can get in. If I have my zap strap, I can secure myself if I no longer feel safe. And the odd thing was that as soon as I took the Seroquel, it went away. Like it wasn't like oh, I have to wait 10 minutes for it to kick in. It was just taking it, it stopped. And then I eventually had to take another one to fall asleep. I couldn't quite fall asleep with just one. But it was interesting because when I got up and I was scared, I could hear and feel this very faint sense of what I will just call right now the suicide program. Having this sense that being that terrified, meant that I had to end my life because it was just too scary. And I feel like I've talked about this before where when the consciousness is coming back to the body. It's scary. So consciousness goes on this journey is seeing all these things the formless realm and then nothing is and then I wonder if it's partly that it becomes scary. So consciousness goes back to the body. And one of the things that gets you to go back is taking a pill or maybe even just the gesture of taking a pill it doesn't even have to kick in that that pattern of getting up and taking a pill is like saying Okay, that's enough of that. And the thing too is that I'm in California and I can't afford to be hospitalized and I don't have my family here to support me and things like that. And part of me feels like since that happened maybe I should just go home but I'm going to see how it is. I'm going to continue to take the Seroquel and I took to that first night and last night I had to take three I took one convulsive took another one couldn't fall asleep. took another one and then I fell asleep. So today I definitely feel drugged up. It's almost like having a poison. My brain cells, so consciousness doesn't come in and just take over so much. I wonder why consciousness wants to leave my body, maybe I'm not taking good enough care of my body, maybe I'm not putting enough care into my body. I used to put a lot of care into my body. That was one of the main things I did. And now I don't really do that at all. I'll go to the kitchen and just grab chips to eat or ice cream or whatever's there, I'm not really paying attention to taking care of myself. Whereas before, I would probably spend four hours a day just taking care of myself. And I don't know if that's true, but maybe my body needs that gesture. And I was reading a book last night wholeness in the implicit order by David Bohm. And it's really interesting. And it talks about our use of language and changing our use of language to a different structure. So there's not all this emphasis on division. And I didn't really get through that chapter yet, but I tried to read it today, and I can't even focus. So part of me feels like when I've seen too much, or my brain is too active, it gets to this place where consciousness is even like leaving this body to gather more information from other places than what's immediately perceptible. And then when it starts to do that, it's almost like my brain consciousness is going too far beyond the skill set of my brain or the collective brain. Or it's gone too far outside the collective level of consciousness. And it needs to come back. So taking a pill isn't necessarily saying that my brain is diseased, it's almost too fluid. It's so fluid that it kind of goes beyond itself. And and I think that some people can probably master that, and maybe I will at some point, but I haven't so far, I haven't been able to keep going in it. And I don't see maybe there's no point in going into it like that, because the unknown is infinite. And once the brain goes into the unknown, it's in the infinite and the body is finite. So the body would get afraid of the brain going on into infinity, because if it goes too far, it can almost want to stay there in infinity, just traveling around choice lessly, powerfully, fluidly, and, and I've talked about the adjacent light body, and I feel like one day we'll actually all live as light bodies. So when we do the fluidity of consciousness and the fluidity of the body will be in alignment, and it won't matter if consciousness goes off. But right now, since we're in these material bodies, it does matter. And the fact that I'm in California, I have to be extra careful. So it's kind of difficult because I don't have anyone to talk to. And if I do then maybe I don't want to freak people out. And forgive me if I'm talking kind of like well, blah, blah. I feel like I can't really enunciate things properly. My mouth is like slow and slow down. My whole physiology is poisoned and slowed down. And I'm okay with that. I think my whole being just needs to rest and so I also Talk to the people from hardy nutritionals. And they sell a micronutrient supplement that's good for people who have these kinds of concerns. And oftentimes, people can come off their medication. And I'm not planning to come off my medication on purpose, but I will likely start that settlement somewhat, because it might actually help with some of these things I'm experiencing, I feel like if it helps somebody was, say, so called psychosis. And it's giving the brain the right nutrition to not have consciousness come in and push the brain into altered state experiences. And it might be actually the right nutrition for perception, to be able to just perceive and not be flung into the whims of those perceptions. And I wonder about this, because I think there's actually something to the fact that so many people get thrust into this process of consciousness animating us and sort of being these calling birds calling out the fact that something's wrong with society structure. And that's why people are going into these other states of consciousness. And I remember a quote, I think her name was Emily Levine, and it was in her TED talk about trixter. And I want to go back to it actually, because she talked about something like, at the end of her talk, she said something like, Don't go too far into beauty. Because you have to be able to meet your audience. And I feel like my brain has just gone too far into beauty. It's too beautiful here. And my brain does this when it's starting to thrive. And so in a way, since society is not designed for thriving in the very fabric of the brain needs to be poisoned, in order to sort of come back down to the resonance of what's really there collectively. Because as Krishnamurti says that I am the world and the world is me. And I do sense this very strongly. Sometimes. I don't, I don't know, I just, I really want to be able to stay here to go to emotional CPR in early April. If I can get to that point. At least that would be great. But I do want to stay here longer. But I do have to be so careful. And if I ended up going back early. I just I just don't know what to do with myself. Because if this little blip was kind of a bit of a so called crisis that's only two months, I thought I would have easily five months at least without a sign of anything, especially being in such a beautiful place. So to have it come on after two months, in this beautiful place, is kind of freaky. And now I'm carrying my zap strap and my Seroquel with me, Everywhere I go, and my phone and my charger just actually be extra safe. And it seems to really help and work. Like as soon as I have those items, I just feel like I can't hurt myself. So it's almost like the brain is scared back to the body. Or the mind is scared back to the body and then part of it is that it's scary. But I also feel safe. So I'm gonna keep taking the Seroquel every day for at least a week. Maybe two, like I did before. But the differences this time it's after two months. But it wasn't a full blown crisis. Like it wasn't Like, last time, it was maybe like before last time, I had a little tiny so called panic attack. And I took out Seroquel, and I didn't need it. And I kept not taking it for a couple of weeks. And then eventually, I needed to take it and go through a full crisis. So I'm wondering if this time I did the thing that I keep saying to myself, I mean to do which is take it at the first sign, instead of being like, okay, I'll ride out this wave, alright, of this wave, and then not taking it. So this time being in the scenario that I'm in where I can't risk going into a full blown crisis, I took it sooner. So maybe I'll have to take it for two weeks, every two months, or something, I don't know. But it just makes me slow and not able to read and, and makes it harder to do some of the tasks that I need to do. But I just really feel like I do need that psychological safety to just come off these meds and, and be healthy. And I just really wish there was a supportive community for that. And there are but it's just a few and far between. So I might lay here and make some videos, and because it doesn't require very much reading is just talking. But I remember last time, not having the urge to make videos at all. So that might happen again. But I could at least catch up on some of the things that I've written. And I was even thinking today about how these videos are good in a way because one day, I could just die, I could just kill myself and it could just be over. And at least by creating this daily without waiting to accumulate some kind of special protocol or how to which I don't really think is possible, then just sort of an acknowledgement of the moment and and maybe putting some of that language out there. Re languaging and playing with language. And that's the thing with a crazy wise Town Hall. They're saying how should we frame this instead of the mental illness paradigm and how do you frame infinity. We're trying to frame something that can be framed. It's this process that No words can ever capture. It's a process of life. I'll talk more about that later. So he had two weeks of dullness. But I'm starting to see that I just have to poison myself back. poisoned my brain so it can't see so much so it can process so much information. So it doesn't get lost in so much beauty. It's almost like learning to ride a horse and taking Seroquel it's like pulling on the reins like whoa, slow down. I can't go that fast. Again, it's not so much about anything. It's not about something. It's not speaking about mental illness or anything. Or speaking about spiritual emergency. It's speaking as the Spirit. So we're trying to speak about the spiritual emergency or mental illness but It's more a matter of what we're speaking as, are we speaking as human beings? Or are we speaking as human beings? The emergence process itself is to disintegrate the me. So if we speak about the me, we're actually reinforcing the me. We need to speak as that which we experienced. But as experience now, each moment, so so we could look back and, and feel how we spoke before feel the quality of where we were speaking from. We were speaking from our experiences in the moment. And so it's not about thinking about those experiences, it's about continuing to speak as the moment and you can't frame that. There's no frame for that. And so all of this dialogue I've had with myself, it's not really a me speaking, and how I feel it. Through the emergence process, we emerge into being just a human being perceiving in the moment, free of stories. So no story can tell adequately anything about that place in us where we speak from. Really, it's about speaking the story of the moment, or the perception of the moment each moment. That stories about that. There's no that there. I don't know if I'm making any sense. And I am curious about this using language differently thing that David Bohm is going to talk about in his book. I feel like just speaking, as the moment is using language differently, whether we use old ways of structuring sentences or not, it's just a different quality of where the words are coming from. Because just to learn different ways of speaking, it will actually change consciousness, eventually to because it's changing the perspective and how we see by saying, I have no idea. Again, the forgetfulness is interesting. And that's part of being scared back into regular consciousness and taking drugs to feel that taking medication, I mean, it's like taking medication to feel again, separate. But interestingly enough, the other end is that consciousness tries to separate itself from the brain and leave the body. I'd love to be able to be supported to just not medicate myself during that and see what happens.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Pondering a trip to California right after a crisis circa 2017

Play Episode Listen Later Sep 1, 2021 89:48

I think it's a nine or eight on Seroquel. And I'm at the park. As you can see. It's interesting, I not only feel like I don't have anything to say, I also don't even feel like making videos, which is something I've been doing for seven or eight months. So to me, it's interesting how 10 days on a little bit of circle has kind of destroyed my motivation. And again, I think it's okay right now. Because I need to take a break from overthinking things and do more of just getting stuff done. So today, so far, I was organizing my kitchen and taking out some of the items that I wouldn't want someone else using. So I did quite a bit of that. And then I just sort of felt done with it. Like I needed to get outside for a while. So here I am. I am starting to feel excited about California since yesterday. excited for a change of scenery. And I still have quite a few things to do before I go so long as I do a couple of things per day. I should be ready to go in the nick of time. I have to decide how I'm going to get there. I have to get insurance and all that stuff. So maybe I'll make another video later when I'm at home. What if I don't this is a short one. So maybe I'll combine it with if I say anything tomorrow and the next day. Couple things about today. Again, my brain isn't super thinkI but that's a good thing. And last night was the first night I took half of this Seroquel instead of a whole one. And I took a whole one every day for probably 12 days. So the 13th night I took half. And I'll take half again tonight. And then after that I will perhaps try without the Seroquel to go to sleep. Because I've been sleeping just fine. And every night I've been doing some coherence breathing with my heart rate monitor, chest strap and the app as well as soaking my feet with Epsom salts. Sort of a little ritual I've developed and it seems to make me feel calm and just go to sleep. And I usually drink mugwort tea out of a nice mug. And I actually grow mugwort out in the yard. Because when I was in Santa Barbara six years ago, somebody gave me a mugwort leaf and he said put this under your pillow you'll have nice dreams. And so I took it and I went back to the hostel that night and I did put it under my pillow. I when I was falling asleep as soon as I sort of fell asleep I felt myself going through a time mark it was like like it was like the weirdest thing out of a movie like warp drive or hyperspeed or lightspeed being engaged in a spaceship and sort of having that sensation to of accelerating like that. And I'm pretty quickly just jerked awake, like oh my gosh, what the hell? And then I thought that was strange, but then I put my head back down. And when I did it did the same thing when I started to fall asleep. Just want to, like you felt like I was in a spaceship accelerating. And so again, I just jerked awake, like what the hell. So I took the mug wart leaf out from under my pillow and just placed it beside the bed and didn't want to participate in that. And then, oddly enough when I got home and I was, at that point, kind of manic, and I was going to this organic grocery store in an adjacent city, and the lady there was this cute Asian lady. And she was trying to sell me this green powder stuff for for a tea. And she was trying to tell me what it's called. And but she was saying it in a way that I couldn't understand the way she was pronouncing it. And I think she eventually wrote it down. And she wrote down MK Ward, and I was like, What the hell. So I bought the T. And it might have been that time or another time I went there that she told me she has more plants. Or it's kind of like a weed really. And she said that she would give me some, if I called her on her cell phone. So I did and she did end up giving me the plants. And I planted it in a bunch of different locations around the property. And it's kind of funny, because this one place, I planted it between the two houses. There's like a row of muck Ward like two feet wide by 15 feet long. Right now it's all dead and dried up because it's winter time. But it comes back every year. And then I planted it behind the house. big long, same thing of motherboard, and then all in the front yard. It kind of takes over. But last year, I think it was I harvested a bunch of it and dried it and kept it for tea. And so long story short, I have my own record tea. I want to move I should be sure to take some mug work with me. So my word tea mug word story. taking half a Seroquel. I also in the mail, got my medical ID. So I've got PTSD and bipolar one. I don't know if you can see that. And then on the back my name and my medication and then see iPhone medical ID because iPhone has a feature to put your medical ID in there. So it's on the emergency call screen. So I have more information in my iPhone medical idea talk about my advanced directive, my representation agreement, where those are on my phone in case I forget. And I also say remind me to take a Seroquel PRN if I'm scared and confused. And bunch of stuff like that and my contacts. And so I have this for my trip. I may or may not wear it. But I decided to buy it either way. And I also cleaned my car a little bit, even though it looks like I might not be driving. My car's really old. And so I actually today booked a train ticket because I've taken the train there twice before very long trip 30 plus hours, but I find it quite nice and relaxing. So it was cheap to was like 125 bucks, whereas a flight would be about 250. And the train the benefit of the train is that I can cancel less than 20% fee. Whereas if I book a plane ticket, I can't change it. And there are a few things that might cause me to need to leave a little bit later. So I think this was the best thing to do right now. I feel good about that. And I can always cancel it and fly if I want or it If I ended up getting a new car or something, which is pretty unlikely, then I can always decide to drive. And driving would be a lot more expensive though, I might decide to buy a cheap car down there temporarily find out if I can do that if I can insure it, I don't know how that works. So I can take the insurance off my car and put it as storage insurance possibly save some money that way. And I also looked into a little bit of stuff around subletting my place, because I might be able to get a little bit of money from that. Even though I don't own this place, and most of it I wouldn't get I would just get a little bit because it's my furniture and stuff, but could be helpful. So still lots to do. still lots to think about and I'm thinking about a few other things as well.Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

california crisis iphone trip ptsd asian couple id ward sort santa barbara pondering circa epsom seroquel

Full PTSD Flashbacks in Bipolar Psychosis

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 30, 2021 79:11

seroquel, people, psych ward, feel, medication, clubhouse, talk, brain, worse, mania, hospital, terrifying, vaccines, chaos, experience, video, state, suffering, point, induceIt's been nine days since I've talked to myself in this way. And I probably could have talked to myself a little bit sooner but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. The day after I made my last video I went into full PTSD, flash flashbacks, and and usually I would be talking about psychosis. But it was different this time, it was more like a flashback. It's like I could hear what I was saying to myself when I was unconscious. And I won't go into the details of that, because I feel I'm still in fragile state. Usually, when I go into a crisis of some kind, I, I dissociate and I just sort of sit there and I feel like I'm a homeless person. I don't feel like myself. This time was different. I definitely felt like I was me. And I was at home and I was getting ready for the day and I was gonna make some videos. And then go out for the day because I was feeling a little bit sensitive. And I was actually watching a little bit of my videos from the 10 days prior to that video, and I was actually talking about an experience where I woke up scared and then just waited it out. And I talked about maybe taking a Seroquel, PRN. But I didn't and and then it just gets to a point where I just am in a place where I just lost and terrified. And I remember the days before I was watching a program online about vaccines, and I think I talked about it a little bit. But there was this one scene where there's little boy was smacking himself in the head. And when I get into that state of sensitivity, I feel one with everything. And to see that it just really hit me it was like, Oh my god, what are we doing to the children. And I don't mean just with vaccines, whether they're good or bad, who really knows. I feel like it's more of a gesture of thinking we know more about biology, Gaia, ecology, human health, then nature itself. But anyways, I felt strongly that I could actually hear the boy trying to say, my brain, my brain, like it's in my brain. And like, and he was actually trying to communicate even though he just looks like he's flailing around, that gesture is still communicating something. And what it how I felt when I saw that I just I just I I felt like oh, it just the immensity of it. I can't, I can't describe it. Whether it was caused by a vaccine or some something else, genetics environment, is still communicating something these kids, when they get transformed into that, however, that happens, it's still communicating something. And these poor children. But I don't want to think about that right now. And kind of what that showed me is it's very difficult for me to take in information from the outside. And I already researched the vaccine stuff years ago, and I decided it's not for me. I feel like I'm sensitive to it. And I actually feel like some of my troubles could be even leftover mercury in my brain because I received the first round of hepatitis B vaccinations when I was in grade six. So there was definitely mercury in that. And I feel like it can have a delayed reaction. It can be in the Brain kind of dormant. And then if there's some kind of trauma or stress, then it gets, it gets activated somehow. But that's mainly what I'm thinking about really. I do feel like I need to get back to taking better care of my body putting more nutrition in it, though, it doesn't really seem to matter that much. Because I was doing really well health wise when I've had my first so called relapse two years ago. And so this one I just had, I managed to finish getting dressed and and get myself to the mental health clubhouse I'm a part of and talk to someone there and then take a Seroquel calm down a bit, and then somebody gave me a ride to where some of my family lives. And I laid in a bed and had the most intense, internal chaotic suffering I've ever experienced in my brain. It was so painful, and it was it was so out there, what was going on and and each time I woke up, I took another Seroquel, hoping that it would make it better. I don't know if it makes it better, or if it makes it worse. And by making it worse, it makes it better by making it kind of quicker, I don't know, since so far looks like I'm able to avoid the psych ward. I am curious about testing next time taking less of it and just writing it out, though, I think it knocks me out as opposed to maybe being awake through whatever chaos is going on internally. So it seems to be helpful. Again, I'm in favor of it while it's needed. And then not every day when it's not needed. Because even if I take it every day, when it's not needed, it probably is gonna happen again. So I don't see, I don't see the point, it doesn't really prevent it from happening, though it does seem to help me get through it. So I spent a week with family in the first two days I just laid in bed. And then I think the third day I got up for half a day. And then the rest of the days I was up most of the day. So I really only had two days of really intense suffering. And then a couple other nights were a little bit scary. Even last night, I'm still taking the Seroquel each night. Even last night, I remember waking up and feeling kind of scared, but kind of forgetting. And that's the thing it kind of makes you forget, which I think is necessary. Because it's really, really terrifying. And I'll probably unfold more of it as I talk to myself, even though I'm not necessarily going to talk to myself about what I did experience internally because that would be classified as so called hallucination and delusion. I could think of it as possible futures and they could be futures that exist hundreds of years from now or possibly never they're just possibilities because the brain goes into this possibility state and and that's why I feel like for me it's important to not fight it. Not flee from it, not add extra fear to it. But just freeze and just lay there and wait it out. Because if I was to get up and walk around while that is going on, it would not be congruent with anything. It's only congruent with laying in bed and feeling completely terrible. Like this inner chaos is happening and and it seems this inner chaos is just something that's within me and and it's terrifying. It's it's absolutely horrific. I remember as the memory of what was going on in my brain was fading. I remember trying to remember, but then thinking God I don't want I don't want to remember that. Like, please just reset for my mind. And so it did get erased and it definitely feels like a type of death like an inner death. And it's sort of like during an earthquake. Generally we don't want to be running around while the earthquake is happening. We want to stay still or move a few feet to find a safe place to park ourselves while it earthquake. happens and waited out. So this inner turmoil, this chaos, this post traumatic stress reaction or in whatever it is, or psychosis or whatever you want to call it, it's terrifying. And so just getting to a place where I could just wait it out, wait for that inner earthquake to finish. Because had I tried to stay up and about in reality too long I probably would have been funneled to the psych ward. And I was lucky to be able to drive myself to the mental health clubhouse. And I did get to express some of my fears and things that were going on at that time. Some of which I remember I remember talking about Jesus a lot. And in that state, I do connect with that paradigm somewhat. Because I try to explain how it was that I was able to get myself out of a bad situation. Sometimes my brain is like, what was Jesus, he came in and sort of took over your body and walked you on over there. And then so if I follow that line of supposed logic, and I might have been talking about this before, I don't even know. I don't know if it's great to talk about but then after the fact, the fact that I was saved, kind of all my life to Jesus in a way. And I'm not a Christian, by any stretch, but when I get into that state of oneness, sometimes I get in connection with that, because I could go around saying, Jesus saved me and a lot more people would understand that then I have a mental illness, and I have psychosis and things like that. And if I follow the line of Jesus, I didn't mean someone that was very Jesus like, and I talked about how he made me write down, create this Dream Center where people that are homeless can go to heal and have their dignity restored, and then connect with meaningful work. And so I feel like I'm supposed to do that, or at least try. And so that connects me with embodying my mania. If I go back and truly harvest my mania, that was one of the experiences that is harvestable. And and that would be connecting with my altruism. Notice how much noisier it is now that the snow has melted. I really feel like that was an act of divine intervention to put the snow air for over a month, so it'd be nice and quiet. I remember when I was in my first mania, I thought I could control the weather. Maybe the weather does intervene for us sometimes. The SATs an optimistic way of looking at it. Giving thanks for the snow for the peace and quiet that it provided. So yeah, I have a lot to say, because it's been 10 days. And so much has happened. And I wish I was able to make videos during the process. But I just didn't think that it was good to talk about stuff while I was in the process. And maybe next time it happens. I will or at least try to this time I didn't want to because well, usually I'm in the psych ward and I can't really make videos. I can once I get to the point where I can go outside on passes. But this time, since I was with my family, I just didn't really want to make videos about it. But perhaps next time I can at least somewhat The point of this video here is to show that nine days later, I'm back on my feet. And that crisis was just as bad as the one I experienced last year where I ended up in the psych ward and different care units for 33 days. So this time, zero days, a couple calls to my clinician. And I see my doctor today and I just want to be like, how do you explain that? How do you explain that with some unconditional love? Person centeredness not being directed to the hospital, because I didn't want to go was telling the people at the clubhouse. I don't want to go the hospital because of what happened last time. So the blessing of the last time being so bad was sort of that this time, I didn't want to go. Whereas had that not happened, I probably would have been like, yeah, I'm in the state where I need to go to the hospital. So these amazing people were able to keep me safe and somewhat calm, and they're so caring and wonderful. And, and trauma informed if you want to call it that. But I have relationships with these wonderful people. And and that was what saved me. And I'm so grateful, I just words can't really describe. Words can't describe because, you know, they get me out of the psych ward, and they helped me stay out of it. And that could be a big turning point. As not like I it's not like it was any easier. It wasn't. But it wasn't made worse. There wasn't a layer of trauma added by being put in a psych ward and pathologized. My family was very helpful to they just brought me some Moringa powder in juice just checked on me but didn't really pry too much into what I was going through, which was very helpful and, and I didn't feel judgmental eyes and feel anything but care. And it really was such a stark contrast to what I experienced last time. And I actually have a phone call about what I experienced in April, soon, anytime. And I'm really concerned about this whole I intragenic illness thing that I heard the term actually couple of months ago. And then I heard Dr. Kelly Brogan talk about it on her interview on the vaccines revealed program, so it wasn't actually related to vaccines, but she was just talking about how she realized by giving people medications. If she didn't really explain to them that it'd be really hard to come off of these medications. If they were on it for a certain period of time, meaning the medications were going to induce symptoms they didn't have before they started taking the medication, then she wasn't truly giving informed consent. Now she actually helps people come off their medications. And since she's really knowledgeable that coming off of them is actually quite difficult. And then usually that difficulty is translated into Oh, you need your medications. But really, she talks about how the body adapts, and then it seems like we need it. But really, we're just adapted. So I wonder how much of mine is that or I even feel like for me from the very beginning it was I estrogenic because the first medication I was put on olanzapine made me really worse. Maybe better for a little bit but then it made me worse after a month and made me really, really, really suffer. And it wasn't till I went back to the psych ward and was taken off of it. I felt better. So that kind of medication just doesn't do well with me. And it never has. But I feel like since I was put on at first, it made me seem like I was so unwell it turned me into a chronic patient because I showed how I looked in a different video, I was all puffy and big and. And that was basically a mental patient. And since then I've been recovering from being turned into that, which only took two and a half months to turn me into that. But it's taken five and a half years to get to this point. And I'm still on medications and stuff. And I'm not saying that it's all that because I'm also the type of person that doesn't really regret stuff in that I'm always learning. So I've learned a lot to this point. So by having that first bad experience, and then having a so called relapse three and a half years later, that was good, it was quick, in and out of the psych ward, and then another relapse That was quick in another psych ward, and then go to the psych ward and be treated in a way that was similar to the very first time. Even actually, after the very first time, I went back to the psych ward, and I insisted not to be put on antipsychotics, and the doctor listened to me, put me on an antidepressant. And I was on a combination of medication that I was okay with. And from there, I was able to take steps towards getting better. And I had a really good time along the way. So I don't regret that. So for me personally, I actually don't regret if there was any suffering induced by doctors, because I've learned a lot. I've learned what works for me, I've learned what doesn't work for me, I'm continuing to learn maybe one day I'll be able to learn my way out of having to take anything, or maybe not. Because I definitely have been through stuff and done stuff to myself that maybe I need to be medicated. So I don't even know, I think there's a lot I need to embody, before I can take this crutch of medication off. Because when that comes out of my system, it's going to make me feel worse. Before I feel better, and I need to be in a place where I'm strong enough to feel that worst sness if that's a word and cope with that, as well as go on with life. So I would say one thing is financial. Another thing is having a quiet environment to live in being connected with my friends. So it's not something that can be taken lightly. It's something very serious. And part of it too is by doing those things. It's lifestyle design. It's designing my life in a way that is in alignment with what wellness is for me, and it's different for everybody. So I know for me right now, if I was just to go off medication wouldn't be a good idea. Especially after just having a crisis and and it was really, really terrifying. And I'm still here. And sometimes I just have to feel like if I was meant to be dead, I would be dead already because that sure feels like chaotic elements trying to destroy my life. But it could be that it's trying to destroy something else. Like all the things that I saw and talked about, it gets to the point of being too much. So it almost goes to this extreme of too much and then fizzles out like an explosion, and it requires a few days of just resting to allow the brain to just get back to square one. Get back to basics and To me still feels afraid, more so than other times. But maybe not. That's hard to say. I'm only taking one Seroquel fast release at night. And since I do remember waking up afraid, I might try and take two. Because I do want to get back to baseline, I don't want to still be kind of afraid, though I feel like since this time, it felt more like PTSD than psychosis. Maybe that fear will just kind of be there. Now because it was more, it was more real in that it felt like it had more to do with me and my own experience in life, versus just dissociating and feeling like a homeless person. Maybe as a way to psychologically escape from that which I did not want to arise in consciousness as the equivalent fear and suffering that I actually have of my own. It's just translated into, I'm afraid because I'm feeling like a homeless person on the street. And there's a lot more to that there, I almost feel like homeless people are enlightened, and they sit there waiting to rescue those that need rescuing by their consciousness sort of being a mirror of the person in need. So we actually feel like we have to help the homeless people, but they're actually helping us when we just don't understand how. Basically, they're kind of like God in disguise. And we, we don't realize that and part of it is that if they were able to kind of stand up and talk to us, they might be talking about God and other things, and we just dismiss them. But that's all they can do is just sit there and then maybe talk about God if somebody engages them. But they're doing the same thing. They're sitting down and shutting up and freezing because because that's all they can do. But we don't know what they're experiencing, and consciousness and we all share the same consciousness. So it's quite complex. They're waiting for an angel to come and rescue them. So I feel like I need to go see the Dream Center equivalent in Calvary. And also go see Patch Adams because if I create this Dream Center, it has to be kind of like a Patch Adams place where everyone is equal. Whether it's the janitor, or the doctor or whatever. And even having people that are there in the Dream Center, starting to connect with their altruism right away, you know, feeling useful helping out. So it has to be I'm not sure. And I was thinking that it's more like people and space. It's not a system. It's just space, and people and what people bring to the space and the space that people create around them. And I already have a good example of this from the clubhouse. I've talked about mental health and been critical of things in the system. For the clubhouse model, I've never seen anything that I would think twice about because it's just beautiful, beautiful people, interacting with people beautifully treating people beautifully. It's It's wonderful and I really feel like I owe my life to that place. I went there after my second hospitalization after I had to be taken off that medication and was able to build a pretty good life. And I still go there and it's the people. So again, I can't be critical of my journey because I wouldn't change a thing though I would change stuff for the next generation of people who have to experience these services, because it can be quite painful and there can be a lot of harm. That people that are quite well meaning in the system are inducing. And they don't see that they're doing it. So there's so much to talk about, I haven't made a video and so long, but I made some notes in my book. And it's, it's all for me to remember what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. When I was watching my videos, I was thinking this is a good process. But I also need to talk myself into embodied mania, which is, which is pretty much just making sure I'm showered and ready in the morning and just showing up. It was Bell, let's talk day, yesterday, and I was at the clubhouse all day and had some really good conversations with people. And I just loved that place. I feel like how they helped me last week, sort of like how the Dream Center would help people to take them in and not label them just care for them. And I feel like I only live to that place. And I'm still intending to go to California. And if I do go I hope I can have some space and some silence to just come back and and do the best I can for other people. And I think I'll be able to serve people better without labeling them and judging them. Then I could by participating in the paradigm that is bent on that. And that's why I really do like the clubhouse because they don't ask about diagnosis. It's really just a community of people of wonderful people that are misunderstood. And the people that receive them unconditionally, non judgmentally. And so it's just beautiful. You can't tell the workers apart from the people who go to the clubhouse and and that's so important. So I'm really happy that I was able to make that doctor and the system obsolete. For myself, at least this time. That's English prime. This time, not saying go on never happened or have to go to hospital. I'm just saying this time. I was able to just lay there, freeze waited out and not allow my inner chaos and turmoil and pain and suffering to flower into the whole hoopla around going to the hospital. I'm not saying that that's a good idea to not go to the hospital. It's definitely the best out there right now. I'm just saying that it is possible to get to the point where one can avoid it with enough support. Even I've talked about my SAP strap when I wasn't quite ready to leave and I was starting to feel very terrified. I thought about my zap strap and I thought, should I just fasten myself here now. And I felt like get to the clubhouse, get to the clubhouse get to the clubhouse. And so knowing that I had that option made it so I could get to the clubhouse. So it's not just a matter of Oh, I don't need to go to the hospital. There's a lot involved in that. That means abstract by my bed I have a few Seroquel. And so I'm ready any time. And as long as I grab my phone I always have a charger cord beside my bed, then I can lay there myself as long as I want and then call for help. And maybe next time, that's what I'll do. I'll just lay there and wait it out myself and then call for somebody to release me when when I'm ready. I'm not sure that would sort of be the next level is doing it without anybody's help. And also another thing I could do is take Seroquel earlier maybe to avoid that from coming on. I was talking about it in my video on the fourth or the seventh. And then it was the 18th that things went down. So I wonder if next time I can prevent it from really going that deep. Right now I'm on Seroquel daily, and I'm not sure how long they'll take it I have a feeling that I might have to take it a little bit longer because of the different flavor of this crisis. I don't know. Usually I would still be on it like twice or three times a day right now. I've only been taking it at night for several days. And I don't know if that's quite enough. But the thing is, I want to be able to drive and stuff like that. So so we'll see what happens but lots to talk about with this. And I'm really looking forward to not talking about mental health after this week or so, because there's still because there's still a few things that I have to deal with. So yeah, this is not meant to say stay out of the hospital. It's just for me, I'd like to make that kind of care and treatment obsolete. putting myself in the path of being put turn alizedpeople, experiencing, talking, crisis, brain, psych ward, dream, feel, mania, embodied, day, clubhouse, mental health, ward, treated, psych, gestures, life, person, altruismI feel like it's a countdown until my next crisis. That seems to happen every six to eight and a half months, I was able to stretch it out to eight and a half months this time, because the next longest was eight months. And it was a couple days after the new year that I was sort of celebrating gay. I haven't had a crisis in over eight months, which was the longest time without a crisis. And then I just had a crisis that started nine days ago. And already, seemingly mostly through it, even though I am still taking a circle at night. And I'm hoping to be able to stop that by two weeks maximum, so that would be five more days. But we'll see. I really liked how this time I could administer my own medication during crisis. And I wasn't in the hospital. So I could almost od on it, if I chose to, which I wasn't really intending to do, or not take any of it or just take one a day instead of maybe three a day if I was in the hospital, so I liked that. Yet, the crisis was more intense in my brain, that one night, and I must feel more afraid of it because it's the fourth time it's happened. And it seems to happen every six to eight and a half months. So I really feel like I just have a countdown until the next one. And I wonder if there's anything I can do to prevent it from happening. And one thing I am doing, which I have been talking about is to no longer work in mental health, at least in the part of the system that I find, for me, at least, at times, does more harm than good. There's other areas of the system that do work really well. The ones that are more relationship based and psychosocial based. And that's really what saved me from having to go to the psych ward was the relationships at the clubhouse, so I will be no longer working in mental health. But there are still a few things that I need to do over the next couple of weeks to tie up some loose ends. And I hope they don't bother me too much. It's interesting how crisis sort of erases my memory. I don't really remember what I was talking about. I remember talking about like brain growth and all this stuff. And I'm sort of thinking, I don't know if it's good to actually grow one's brain in isolation, whether that's part of the process or not. And even with embodied mania, if it's not relational, then it can get out of hand. Because even if one is able to grow one's perspective, to be able to see more and more and understand more and, and read between the lines of reality, it gets to the point where one's brain is almost like one with reality. And when it's one with reality, one loses one's individual ego identity. And when that happens, it's hard to operate in society. And when one sees so much and then sees too much of things that are maybe interesting and good. One can also see things that one might not want to see which is partly what the egos job is is to block those things that we're not ready to look at and ready to see yet. And medication can help with that as well. And I also feel like the state of shame is dangerous for sure. So I got myself into a place of shame yet a strong perception of things. And I saw way too much. And then my brain almost has to go to seeing way, way, way too much possible futures and then basically get, like fried by aliens from outer space or something. And then, and then just come back to like, whoa, whoa, like that was the scariest movie I've ever seen that I had to experience inside me instead of on a television screen. It was absolutely terrifying and so scary that I can't even really remember it. And I don't want to actually, it was unbelievable. And that's probably why it's easy to forget, because it's very hard to believe. So. So I'll just kind of forget about that stuff for now. And move on to embodying mania. And today, I went to the clubhouse. And I was there most of the day, because one way to stay embodied is to be around other bodies. So embodying one's mania isn't just about embodying one's mania, but making it relational, which I think I was talking about a long, long time ago. And also, by making it relational, it makes it more embodied because you're embodied as that version of yourself, and then you're relating in that way, which mirrors it to other people, which mirrors it back to you, and you're interacting in that way. So even now, after having those terrifying experiences, and going through that process, I'm not wanting to go and relate about that stuff, because it's not. That's actually the stuff I experienced, actually, it was not worth harvesting. And it seems that those seeds just died into oblivion, and I can't even remember them. So it's not something that I can reflect on and be like, well, I want to harvest that the experience was more harvestable in terms of very near to ideal scenario, from me being able to stay out of the psych ward, as opposed to being funneled into the system, I can almost see myself as the seed getting myself to the clubhouse and then getting myself to my family with their health. As opposed to being this person who walks toward the psych ward, and the ambulance and the police or whoever would be interacting with me in that whole scenario. Didn't happen, I didn't unfold that as what flowered in front of me, I was able to avoid that. And that's taken years to be able to do it takes relationships and trust and, and friendships and family and prs ends and quiet and surrender and just laying there and waiting out whatever it is that wants to implode in my brain. And and it was kind of nice to not have to explain what I was experiencing inside to professionals because they'd be writing it down and then using that as justification for changing my meds or, or putting me through some new kind of rigmarole. Whereas I just gave myself extra meds and just laid there and I didn't have to talk about it. Or say how bad it is for them to decide if I'm worthy of being in the psych ward or not. And all of that that happens because usually if I go I have to explain it to one person, and then another person and then another person, and then they decide and then I wait and then I get into the psych ward. And there's this whole long process. And I didn't have to repeat any of that stuff. I did talk about some of what I was experiencing to the people at the clubhouse. And it was more just having a conversation about it as opposed to having them gather that information in terms of treatment and diagnosis and things like that. So it was quite ideal. And again, I'm very grateful. And I do actually feel like unconditional love heals all, my family was unconditionally loving this time, not that they weren't before. But before they funneled me to the psych ward, that's all they knew how to do. But somehow, this time, I was able to get there. And they were able to care for me for a couple of days. And, and then I was sort of back to myself to some degree. And even though I was very much in a state of panic, PTSD, trauma, terror, everything, I was still able to remain watchful about what it was that people were doing to me and how they were treating me. And I just remember, seeing, like, Wow, this is amazing. They're doing exactly what I need. And I don't even have to say anything. And I feel like, I feel like somehow, by talking to myself so much about this stuff, that almost created that in the fabric of reality somehow, or the fabric of my reality. Because we're talking so much about how I had a bad experience in the psych ward, I really knew in my heart and brain cells in neurology, that I didn't want to go to the psych ward. And the people that I was talking to, they also knew that I didn't want to go. So they didn't just immediately put me in that direction. They were able to use their skills that they had, as well as the fact that we have a relationship and, and connection and, and mutual respect and understanding and, and use those factors, those inner human dimension factors, to keep me feeling calm and save, and, and listen to me and understand me and, and just provide that space, and it just shows the hearts of those people. It's just amazing. And I just wish that people like me could be treated that way without having to have the relationships. What I mean is a person could go to the psych ward and be treated that kind be treated as if we are all friends. be treated with unconditional love, even though a person might be saying and experiencing things that are seemingly strange. Seeing that it's temporary, and somebody can really get back on their feet very quickly if they're treated with compassion and care, more so than if they're treated with paternalism eyes, and, and, and that kind of treatment that we all react badly to. Whether we're unwell mentally, emotionally, physically or not, nobody likes to be told what to do. People like to be collaborated with and listened to. And so I don't understand why that just can't be the norm. So yeah, I was watching the whole time with the part of me that was completely lucid, because there's still a large part of me that is very lucid during those times and and I just felt very grateful that I was being treated exactly how I would ask, and maybe that's part of what I created in the fabric of my reality and in my neurology by talking to myself because like I said, this time was more of a flashback than a dissociation and by having a flashback, I was still me having a flashback versus just sitting there dissociated and terrified. So perhaps by talking to myself, I was able to get myself into a state where I could talk about some of that and also remain myself and I think I even said that in a video a long, long time ago, that my problem is that I need to kid Darcy, which is a Spanish word for to remain myself. I think to remain oneself. So I was able to remain myself, partly because I knew I had this app strap. And I was able to finish getting ready and drive myself to the clubhouse, which is about 1520 minutes away. And getting there. They diverted me from the hospital as well to my family, and my family was able to watch out for me. And they didn't look at me in a fearful way, mainly to because I know now that if there's scary stuff going on inside, that it's not happening on the outside. So it's something that I have to go through myself. And I've talked a lot about a lot of it and how it could be this and could be that and so many different reframes. I don't even know if what I experienced this time in my brain even fits any of the reframes that have said it was very strong and powerful. And, and so many things, it's it was just like, a death. And I was basically ready to die if I needed to. And so what I'm saying that is I didn't try to engage my family and getting them to talk with me about the stuff. They're not mental health people, they're not counselors, the stuff I was experiencing inside was, was not congruent with their reality. So when I got to the place where they were to stay with them, I wasn't like, let's start talking about these aliens wrapping my brain. No, I just went to bed lay down, was experiencing hell inside. But I was just laying there quietly and taking extra circle and trying to get some sleep and, and it went on for a day. And, and then bits and pieces after that. So by me just surrendering to the crap, I had to go through myself, which I would have probably talked somewhat about if I ended up in the hospital because I have to justify why I'm there. I'm experiencing this and that and the next thing. So by avoiding the hospital, I don't even have to talk about some of these awful things that were going on in my brain. And and that could have been partly why they just sort of disappeared into oblivion is because I didn't talk about them. Whereas if I would have been up and about in the psych ward, and maybe writing about stuff or, or having to talk to nurses about what I was experiencing. Maybe that would have given some kind of remembrance to it. But I just let it all wither away. And maybe that's why it was a lot faster to I didn't really engage it. So there is something to not engaging some of it. Especially if one wants to remain outside the psych ward, I chose to just surrender lay down, ready to have my brain dissolve and dive if necessary. And that didn't happen. Though, I probably killed a lot of brain cells by taking Seroquel. And when I talked about the brain growth thing for I think certain medications actually make the brain shrink. They say the mental illness makes the brain shrink. But I think most people that are diagnosed with a mental illness are probably on some kind of brain shrinking med. So they never really take that into consideration. And even if they do control for it, it's probably manipulated in some way to make it like oh, it's not the meds, it's just the brain shrinking, which maybe it is maybe the brain actually needs to shrink somewhat after growing to such a point of seeing and experiencing so much internally that it's a bit too much. And I think to that, again, it's important to be embodied. embodied mania, have the gestures going share the energy to create those neural networks of sharing and gesturing in those ways. So it's actually embedded in the organism, not just as a blueprint in the brain. And I was spending too much time by myself. I was at home a lot, the weather was bad, I made a lot of videos with myself. And I think that was a good foundation, because I actually think that a lot of what I was talking about with myself, helped actually create this more ideal crisis situation that just happened. And now for the embodied mania part, instead of just harvesting, instead of just talking about it, the embodied part is actually something I need to work on now. And one way to be embodied is be out around people. Because one is also relational. So by making one's body visible to other bodies, one's body is kind of more real, in a way, because other bodies, which are almost like cameras are seeing you are seeing me. And so when I was, well, for three and a half years before my first so called relapse, I lived in a supportive housing building. And the clubhouse was downstairs. So I was always, always always around people being seen by people and seeing people and saying hi, and smiling, just the gestures of being alive and being human. And then I worked for a chiropractor. And so I was always around people again, at least five days a week, seeing lots of people that would come into the office. And I lived alone for a year and a half that time. And then I ended up back in the hospital. I had gone off my meds with the help of my doctor. But then after that I had the parasport job where I'm not really around as many people. And so I think that being around people is one way to stay embodied. So that's what I did today. And another way would be, go to the driving range, hit some golf balls, go snowboarding. These are things I can't necessarily afford right now. But I think having a few different activities that are using my body and not being so much in my mind and not talking so much about abstracting about harvesting mania and thinking about the way the brain works, I need to start to think about how the body works and not just think about it, but actually just use my body. And sitting here on the couch making videos is not really a good use of my body, I don't think so I still want to make videos, but it's important for me to actually just be in my body, especially after a crisis where there's all these weird thoughts going on. Less thinking and more. More moving and and interacting with people is going to be important. I think in the summer, I'm going to buy a stand up paddleboard, and then that's a way to go out and just be on the water. And so I realized that I need to actually start living my dream, or I'm going to keep reliving my nightmare, as in psychosis, or PTSD. So I need to tie up the loose ends with the mental health thing. I'm still going to go to California and see how long I'll be there. Hopefully, I can still make some videos. And I'm hoping to get trained in ecpr while I'm in California, and also wanting to go see Celine Dion. For some reason, after my first mental health crisis, I would just watch a lot of her music videos and her different DVDs like her world tour one and then she had a different one of her concert in Boston and she's just such a beautiful and integris person that it just really helped me to watch her. And then luckily I met a beautiful and integris person to just be my mentor in real life. But I feel like I want to see Celine Dion Live in Vegas. And I did go to Vegas to see her, but then she had canceled her show. So I did go, but didn't get to see her. And since I had this latest crisis, I missed out on a bunch of hours at work, too. And so it seems like my funds are just hard to come by, they're hard to come by in mental health. So when I get back, I'll probably get a job, maybe working for a chiropractor again, or something like that. Something that's just fun, and not requiring a lot of seeing things that could be somewhat dramatic. And I'm still going to bring ecpr here in September or October or something like that. So I'll be working on that while I'm gone. So that's part of my dream. And also, I'd like to learn something kind of musical like, like electronic music production, I used to do a little bit of that. And maybe singing. And I also want to take a trip to the Dream Center in Calgary, and a trip to see Patch Adams and take a course with him. Because I feel like if there's some kind of Dream Center created to help people, it needs to be somewhat like Patch Adams, equality. And I probably talked about that in my last video, I think. So I wonder how many of my dreams gonna make come true in the next eight months. And we'll embodying that and, and experiencing that prevent the next crisis. I don't know if it will. But by not working in mental health and replacing that with dreams, it could be a good step, and it could at least be more fun. And when I think about it, I was able to be very well for three and a half years. So there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to again, somehow, I was also thinking that I could go back and watch my videos and try to extract the key concepts because that way I could actually embody them. So I could work towards embodying some of the stuff I was talking about and actually test it out. Or I might just go about being more embodied and see what comes out of that. So one thing is altruism. I do have some food that I want to give out to homeless people. So I could do that one day, I was thinking of doing a 30 day altruism challenge, making sure I get to do something altruistic each day. The trouble is those that I don't want to get hyper sensitized to traumatic things right now. So exposing myself to people that are suffering right now might be really difficult to see. I need to be a little bit stronger. I think I think I need to get this mental health stuff off my plate, because the whole thing about what I'm sharing in terms of mental health is that a lot of times people are very traumatized. And it's made worse by the way they're treated. So that trauma is not taken into account. So if I'm still talking about that stuff, it might be difficult to actually go out and see people suffering at this moment. So by staying out of the psych ward, I feel like I just accomplished the psychological equivalent of the four minute mile. Before Roger Bannister ran the four minute mile most people thought it was impossible for human beings to do. And before I would have thought it was impossible for me to stay out of the psych ward if I had a full blown crisis, so called psychosis. But I just actually pulled off a four day crisis. Without the Ipu. I also need to find more laughter again, somehow I used to laugh all the time laughing, being ridiculous all the time. Mental Health just isn't that funny yet. I thought of a saying May your dream unfold the dream of humanity and of course more nature would be great. I also thought of making a budget for things like the stand up paddleboard and, and seeing Celine Dion and, and just going for it. I don't really have very much money right now, but I have a lot of credit. And I sort of wonder if I just started going for my dreams, regardless of cost, within reason. And also started up that social purpose business, if I would be able to sort of get to this place where I am able to pay for the things I want to do, because what I mainly want to do is learn and if I travel somewhere, it would be to learn like to go see patch items. That's what interests me the most is just learning. And then also having it created so that some of the profit goes towards the Dream Center. And even if the Dream Center wasn't a building to start, like an actual full out, building, I feel like individual people can be dream centers, they can activate their dream center and become a space to help others activate their dream center. And that would sort of be in alignment with the peer potential project that I talked about. And I don't even remember all that stuff I talked about. But I do need to go back in terms of those projects, as well as just embodying mania. And being in my body and less in my head. And if I'm in my head, do so with other people in terms of conversation and dialogue. So even though I still have quite a bit of stuff written down in terms of the direction I was going before, I feel it's important to put that on hold because I could go that way. infinitely, I think. Now, I feel like it's important to embody all this self dialogue I've had so not just embody my mania, but embody the self dialogue, because so much of what I was talking about, from harvesting mania, and just thinking about the brain and everything. That was all harvested from self dialog, and like I said, most of it I just came up with in the moment. It wasn't actually something I wrote down. So I wrote down something I thought of and then when I was talking about it with myself, thought of something else. And I could do that infinitely. But what I'm saying is, I harvested the mania but I'm also harvesting myself dialog or I need to go back and harvest myself dialog and put the key concepts together for myself in order to create my life as a dreamscape. So maybe the only way to escape mental health is to have one's life as a dreamscape. And sometimes I think of the concept of escape velocity. And I feel like we could have dreamscape velocity, I need to be going at the speed of my dreams or moving towards that dream. And that's what the velocity is, is. It's where it's either going away from one's dreams or going towards one's dreams. And so I think it's important to do that. And that's what I need to be committed to from now on or I'll just end up being committed to the psych ward again. So hopefully, some good stuff comes out of it. I hope to be able to be embodied and to unfold my dream which is really to see other people who have gone through similar things to myself be able to transcend and transform and live the life of their dreams and have their visions that they probably had. And find people who have a similar vision because this Dream Center project isn't going to come together by just me. And I'm lucky that I know that I do have people in my life that would support that. And it's interesting because I could say, Oh, I'm building the Dream Center, because Shane told me to who Shane, I don't know, some homeless man. But I've met once. And that sounds kind of crazy. And it is kind of crazy in a way, but it's something a crazy person would try and do. And I think a person has to be pretty crazy to actually think they can change this world and to attempt to, but I feel like if I don't attempt to change this world, make it better for the next generation. Then I'll probably be attempting to end my life again, at some point. So I feel like I've died several times, I don't really have much to lose. And so some of this embodied stuff is actually gestures to myself gestures to myself that I'm going to remain in this body. So I managed to remain myself. khadar say, How do I remain this body? How do I, how do I walk out life as this body without having it in congruent with what's going on in my brain to the point that I just have to lay down for a couple of days, to be able to be revived? me say one out of five people has a crisis like this, or some kind of challenge. And so I want to help a billion people. And I feel like I need to repay my karmic debt to the universe. So these CPR, I want to work in prevention, preventing people from getting a label. And also people that do have labels preventing them from being re traumatized by the system. And also perhaps getting them to a point where they might be able to heal from their label and actually recover from the system not necessarily recovered from mental illness, because a lot of it is it genic and caused by the very treatments that are there to supposedly help and some of them are helpful some of the time. But some of the time, it's not helpful and makes things worse. And that's the part that is not cool to me. So yeah, I feel part of it, though, is get connected to your altruism right away. If you felt that altruistic sense in you. And you felt so much suffering and pain, it's probably because you were connecting with your altruistic sense. And you're really feeling the situation's that you were seeing, and maybe all the situations related to that situation you were seeing that you never realized that you didn't really see before in the past, so it's not just the pain of that situation, but all the ones that we missed along the way, because we're busy thinking about something else. And so it can be very painful. But I feel if we can get connected to our altruism right away, then that would be in alignment with what the process is trying to connect us with the fact that we're all one consciousness. So when we're seeing with that one consciousness, we see and feel what it is we're seeing, because we have that in our neurology or mirror neurons, in order for us to be able to respond adequately to situations for not blocking it off with our mental mentalization. So anyway, if I'm not able to go out and be altruistic yet, because of sensitivity of vision, acquired highly sensitive person hood, then I might just make small donations to different charities online, or something that I can do that won't hurt my heart too much. I was speaking to a woman who said that in the native culture, a crisis like a hat is actually called a snake bite because it slows us down gets us to reflect on what we've experienced lately. And and we sort of shed a skin and it's interesting because I've talked about brain metamorphosis or brain chrysalis and and yeahSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

At a certain point, I'm no longer me, and some other aspect of bipolar consciousness takes me over

earth universe longer consciousness sort bipolar assuming emp aspect continuously abort ascended masters certain point seroquel

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 24, 2021 147:56

So as official, I think this might now officially be the longest. I've managed to stay out of the psych ward over eight months. Yet at the same time, today, I've been having some signs that I might want to Abort mission, meaning my brain seems to be going into further reaches of its growth that seemed too far outside. Even the context that I'm wanting to create right now. And the other day I talked about, well, maybe I will share some of the weird stuff too. And oddly enough, since I've said that some of the weird stuff has been coming through me. And I might share some of it just to give examples of things that I don't necessarily want to go further along the lines of their thoughts and perceptions that may or may not be true. They might be true in some other context. But if I go into that, then I'm alienating myself too much from the context that I'm creating, which is already beyond how consensus reality would would program us to see things and think about things. So Abort mission would equate to taking Seroquel PRN, when I was showering today, I felt a little bit fearful. And it's not because I was showering. It's just I was fearful. But one of my clues is, if I'm feeling fearful while I'm showering, while I'm kind of cornered, and then it's a clue that I could dissociate and disconnect and go into a terrified state where all I can do is sit there and wait for help. That's happened numerous times. So I don't want to get to that point, because that would likely mean I need to call for help. And then I would be hospitalized. And that's the very thing I'm trying to avoid. And I'm wrapping up some things with working in mental health, and I'm finding it difficult, some writing a few things. And I'm writing from the vantage point I've created for myself through self dialog and not through the vantage point of me and my mental illness. Which, before I never really believed, but I still humor that kind of language. So it's it feels difficult in a way because I feel alone in this context. And then I don't want my brain to start creating context that is just so out there. For example, I had something come to me around the whole Ascended Masters thing, and I don't even think about that. But it was like, Oh, the Ascended Masters can kind of take us over when we get to a certain level of consciousness because we're no longer our ego. So then what are we? Well, maybe we're the Ascended Masters, whatever that means. So, you know, well, that's lovely. But at the same time, I still I still would like to have some semblance of ego self for myself, because if I obviously didn't identify with being some kind of Ascended Master, then I might not even speak as myself and then my family will be confused, and probably scared. And then that's of no value because then I'll likely be pathologized as as as not feeling well or something. So I don't know if so, Some of those things are like these little clues. But then you just walk around and smile and nod at that sort of thing. And it also told me something like, I donated my body to science as in the science that I'm engaged in, in terms of seeing and the science of the heart. So it's almost like at a certain point, I'm no longer me. And some other aspect of consciousness takes me over. And then it's like, well, I've donated my body to science, which can be interpreted in a scary way, like being afraid of death, or it can be interpreted as some other element of consciousness is taking me over. Like I'm being erased, or almost, I'm erasing myself through this context creation. So it could even be the ego fearing that, because the ego fears its own death, but my ego has died several times. And it's always terrifying. But then there's some semblance of it left, when I get medicated back to reality. So if I don't want to totally lose contact with who I was, perhaps I need to take a Seroquel to slow the process down. Like I said, it likely slows down this brain growth it, it creates a state of hypoxia in the brain, and perhaps allows the oxygen to be diverted back to the ego process. Because I feel like when the ego feels like it's dying, it's because those dopamine circuits are being starved of blood and oxygen. So it's not actually dying, but it feels like we're dying, because that's what happens when we die is that that ego thing dies first. So we feel like, Oh, I'm dying. But that can happen during life, because that's the thing that dies, it can die numerous times during life. And each time it does. Part of it is sort of molded from us. It's like the ego is something that we're supposed to mold. Continuously, the old skin and the old thoughts and the old ways in in favor of new perception. So my new perceptual process has gotten a little bit out there, which happens, it does happen. And now I'm wondering, am I able to consciously stop that from happening? Or can I consciously do it through taking medication. Because if I end up in the psych ward, I'm going to get medicated anyway, extra medicated. So these next couple of days, I have to be extra watchful. And I just wanted to talk about it to myself, because this is part of the process. This is part of the learning process. part of the learning process could be learning to prune one's own insights. Because that very first time in manic consciousness, there were tons of them. And a good portion were definitely nonsensical. So right now, I'm in a state of learning where I'm able to speak to myself to process some of it. But I'm getting to a point where some of them are maybe things I want to prune out. Maybe they have some element of truth, 100 years in the future, or for 10,000 years in the past, who knows where it's coming from. So it might just be something that I want to consciously prune and not put any energy into that. Because if I decided to go with that possibility, I'm devote my energy towards that. Assuming that Ascended Master consciousness is going to take over my body. That is going to be very alienating if I actually take that as a belief. So why do we take anything as a belief, there's no real difference of taking that as a belief or taking. I am ugly as a belief, it's the same thing. So again, the importance of not believing anything that I say, or any insights that come to me, they're just ponderings and wonderings, and musings. And that's part of what the brain can Do and to be able to laugh at that, instead of taking seriously could be important. I have no idea I've gotten to this point right now where I'm just like, I don't know, no clue. And that's part of the Abort mission is if I dug myself out through medication, just sort of forgetting most of what I said, and starting back from the ego again, which is the starting point. How do you make the butterfly back into a caterpillar? reverse metamorphosis. I went ice skating yesterday. And I was sort of struck by watching a woman try to skate with one of those little helper things that you hang on to. And she couldn't skate at all. Never skated before, probably. And I've skated for quite a few years, so I can skate quite well. And I was thinking about how she's learning to travel on a new medium, the ice surface with skates on. And now if we saw that person, and we thought they were walking on the ground, we might actually think they were disabled in some way. But really, it's just about learning to walk on a new medium, or learning to skate. Just like in map consciousness is learning to walk with a different consciousness, learning to walk with a different medium in a different medium. And so when one falls flat on their face, we think that they're disabled, which just means they fell, because they're learning to walk in that medium. And a person can get up again, with a smile on their face, and, and try again, or one can get frustrated and give up and never try again. And to me, falling out of that higher consciousness is, like falling, if you're learning to ice skate. It's about how we choose to learn. After that, do we choose to learn with a smile on our face and, and wonder and try and celebrate the small gains that we make? Or do we put up a fuss and give up and being medicated and told that we're disabled for life is the equivalent of somebody else telling us to give up and to stop learning, and to not learn about what it was that we just experienced. And it's one thing to try and learn about it. So if I was learning to ice skate, and I fell on my face, I could go read a book on how to ice skate. Or I could try, keep trying to escape. And I could take lessons with somebody who knows. So I think the universe is trying to teach us something else to walk in a different way to move about space and time in a different way. And just like that woman trying to skate, she doesn't have the neural pathways for that balance. She doesn't have the neural pathways to move effortlessly. On that medium, just like we don't have the neural pathways to move effortlessly in that consciousness. But we have to practice and, and I feel like me, doing this self dialogue is the equivalent of what they talk about with visualization, how they say if somebody's shooting hoops for basketball, or, or just visualizing shooting hoops. When they get together after practicing either in their mind or for real. They both do just as well. So for me talking to myself about all this, I feel like it's the equivalent of shooting hoops in my mind. I'm practicing shooting hoops with the universe. In my mind, I'm talking with myself about a different context than the ego context. If I was just talking about the ego context, I will be talking about my past and I'll be talking about my patterns and I'd be talking about different aspects of personality and things like that. And would only be interesting to a very limited extent. And it's not actually going to grow my brain cells, it's just going to be accessing old memory files that are stored in my brain that are just clogging up my brain that every time I reactivate them, they're just continuing to clog up my brain, it'd be more useful to see that that has no value. Or at least that has very limited value. And might actually be valuable in terms of self dialog to remember some memories from the past in order to stay anchored as this person that I think that I am. Because if I started to think I'm not me, that's just gonna get me in trouble. And they're gonna be life while you have to be you. So we're going to medicate you so you think you're you again. And that might have some kind of validity, I really don't know. So point being. When I've learned enough about my own brain, it's possible that I don't need to go to the psych ward because I can do to myself, what they would do in the psych ward was just just give Seroquel quick release for 10 days. If I'm aware and imagine if all of us could get to this point, we wouldn't need psych wards. I think this is sort of the stage that Tom Wooten talks about when he talks about getting to the freedom stage of bipolar, having bipolar in order and being in the freedom stage where we can really be aware of our states and and modify them if need be, or remain in them and remain in order mainly in order to not alert the public and family that something's up because their interventions are going to be worse than the interventions we can give to ourselves if we're at that phase of awareness. I don't know if that's what his ideas behind it are but not just that but it does prevent a lot of unnecessary suffering of of the person in question as well as family members to see a person in a state and feeling like they're out of control and and needing other Whoa. I just got really dizzy and I've never had that happen before. total head rush man self dialog grows my brain. I don't know if I've grown it too much right now. did take some extra niacin and Thea Nene and glycine just to keep me calm. I have been taking more vitamin C and the one EMP every day so it could be something with the EMP too I guess the main point is to not get freaked out about it. Maybe it was the Ascended Masters One thing I know for sure is I don't like the smell of my pants. I did a load of laundry and I think I put too much in it, and and so it didn't really rinse properly, I don't think. So that might have caused it to smell kind of funny when I dried it. I don't know if that's the case, but I might have to change them before I go out. I could be dizzy too, because I've been eating a bit less food lately, because I haven't been as hungry. This is me trying to find some kind of logical explanation for that, that might have been one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced. After skating yesterday, to my friends, and I were looking at this mural, and it was his carved mural, and it was kind of strange. And then one of them's had can't figure out what that is and the top left corner. And it was this weird looking thing. And I said, it's a rock with a wave crashing on it. It's an ogopogo wearing a costume, I came up with like 10 guesses really quick. And then we kind of laughed it off. And then we're looking at the mural more, and then I looked back. And then I noticed right below this weird blob that we were trying to decipher was a train. And so it was actually the smoke of the train. And I laughed, and I was thinking about how it's funny because if we don't look at the whole picture, we can really wonder what something is about. But then when we look at the whole picture makes sense. have to look at the whole picture. Not just that bits of information. If we don't look at the whole picture of what we're talking about doesn't make any sense. So that could be the thing about consciousness as well as we're talking about stuff, we're not really making sense, because we haven't yet seen the whole picture. And sometimes when we get to the end, where we can see the whole picture we realize we don't want to see at all. And I guess that's what the ego is for us, blocking us from seeing what's really happening. Here's another here's another extrapolation I'd rather not entertain, though it could be entertaining, it could make a good movie, I had the sense that we were here as human beings on planet Earth, as animals as human animals, and then aliens, sent thoughts through the universe to infect our brains. And then through that, we're able to build the society as we have. But really, we're actually building this society and all these structures for the aliens. So then they eventually come here and just kill us all. And they live in everything that we built. Sort of like how some insects do that. They just, they're parasitic. And they, they, they use whatever in order to build something for them. And then they just take it over. Again, good movie script, not something that I want to devote my life to. And it's not just that we play the notes of the saxophone. It's how we play them. So I could say, the world is unconditional love. Or I can say the world is unconditional love. I feel like I'm having a growth spurt into the mind. And the mind is using the brain to create itself. The mind is using the brain to create the mind. So it has to create the brain cells in order for that to happen. So it's brain cell growth. I feel like lithium might provide some kind of capacitance for this because it's positively charged and the energy going through the brain in terms of electricity is electrons are negative charge. And I've read that lithium causes the brain to grow, the gray matter to grow and I had a weird insight about that, that likely the people who are taking lithium, who they study, their brains are already growing. So they study them, and they say it's the lithium. But in my theory, the brain growth process has been initiated by the Universe by consciousness, by natural selection by the universe needing people to actually use the rest of their brains besides their ego, prefrontal cortex. And so their brains already growing. And then they're diagnosed with bipolar or something. And given lithium, then their brains are studied and said, to grow, because lithium made it grow. Now, they might have done some kind of controls to prove that, by maybe other people's brains were growing, as well. But maybe they were on different medication that suppress the brain growth. So I don't really care to look into the studies because that's, that would take too much time. I just sort of thought of reversing what they say, lithium causes the brain to grow. People who get put on lithium, likely had this brain growth process initiated. And that's why they went into my consciousness and then were diagnosed as defective. How can they be defective when their brains are growing, but it's attributed to the lithium? Oh, what a miracle. I don't know about that. Because the truehope product, the EMP, their studies have shown that that their product helps the brain to grow to so maybe again, their products being taken by people who, who their brains are growing, but they did on rats, actually. So it's hard to say with that, maybe their product actually does make the brain grow and lithium. Maybe it does, too, who knows. But it could also be that the brain wants to grow. So if it's given some kind of positive charge mineral, whether it's lithium, or whether it's all the spectrum of minerals and the truehope product, it's going to grow because it needs that, that charge in order to grow those brain cells. And it needs the charge to be distributed through the whole brain. So that stuff probably goes to other areas of the brain, which then can divert electricity there plus negatively charged oxygen, and actually get those brain cells to grow. And I was thinking about how creating lots of new brain cells through the vibration of one's voice talking to oneself. seeing something new, and giving it a voice could almost be a buffer in a way to some of the other stuff. So I've had a few weird thoughts lately. But since I've created so much other context, it's difficult for my brain to go off on that tangent without having the buffer of other brain cells with lots of other contexts. So if I had a few weird thoughts, and I didn't have the context that I've created for myself, I might think, oh, what's my mental illness, oh, and then I get scared. And then that would make it worse. And then the next fearful thought would come in the next and the next and the next. But I've been able to sort of be like, Oh, that's not actually something that I want to go down the path of, just like, I wouldn't want to go down the path of being medicated, or pathologized again. And so the context helps with that again, too, because it doesn't allow my brain to get caught in that story that I've been told about myself. And just like, right now, here, there's a lot of snow on the ground. So what actually stops the sound, it's not so noisy from the traffic because it's buffering that the buffer of all the context of brain cells that I might have created for myself, prevents the noise of other people's stories and interpretations coming in to infect my brain. It's buffered with probably a lot more glial cells. And so I can't get stuck in any other neuronal tracks of thought patterns that society would infect me with. And if I don't have the buffer of all that extra sound cells in my brain of all these other things that I've talked to myself about, if some other thought comes in, it's going to sound a lot louder, because it's like this hollow brain with nothing and if something comes in hangs around, it's like, Whoa, that's so disturbing. Whereas if I have all this other context, it'll just be a slight whisper. And it'll just be like, oh, whatever. So I feel like the brain is trying to grow out of the ego, and is trying to grow out of fear as well. I feel like that could be why people have loud voices in their head. Because it's just one thought coming from somewhere else, apparently, and it's just bouncing around in the brain. And we've never been taught to engage ourselves in really wondering what that's all about. And some people have started to do that. And as they do, and as they develop more and more understanding for themselves about how they choose to understand it, or how other people have helped them to understand it. Those voices aren't as loud. I don't know if that means not as loud in volume, or they're just not taken as seriously. Because there's other understanding and context to hold those painful bits or disturbing bits. It's not like there's never going to be anything disturbing. But it'll be less disturbing if one has really engaged one's own brain around it. And it wants us to pay attention to something other than our ego voice, whether it's a voice as somebody else's voice, or just seeing something and having an insight. It's a different voice than the ego. And it can be just showing us that we're not our ego because if we were, we wouldn't be able to have thoughts and someone else's voice or things like that in our head. The mind is bigger than the brain, the mind is the entire field of what's available, and we can't see all of it. So the mind is helping us to move into seeing more of the mind...brain, consciousness, anti psychotics, process, labeled, mental illness, heart, sudden, ego, abstracting, blind spot, life, pattern, perceive, glimpse, order, person, bipolar disorder, feel, wonderingextrapolation, brain, anti psychotics, creating, feel, people, happening, antipsychotics, joke, brain cells, wisdom, talking, voice, listening, picture, blind spot, mania, part, meaning, personSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/bipolar_inquiry. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

#45: quetiapine (Seroquel) | Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder

Drug Cards Daily

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 23, 2021 15:12

Quetiapine is also known by the brand name Seroquel. It comes as both an immediate release and extended release formulation. There are several indications such as for schizophrenia and various classifications of Bipolar disorder. It can also be used as adjunct treatment in major depressive disorder. The max dose for quetiapine is 800 mg/day. Doses are generally divided bid-tid. Quetiapine's antipsychotic activity is proposed to be a result of both dopamine type 2 (D2) and serotonin type 2 (5HT2) antagonism. There are many other antagonist effects on neurotransmitter receptors in the brain such as 5HT1A, 5HT2, D1, D2, H1, and adrenergic alpha1/alpha3 receptors. There is a black box warning for dementia related psychosis and suicidality. Common side effects are somnolence, weight gain, and constipation. Quetiapine should never be stopped abruptly after prolonged usage. Go to DrugCardsDaily.com for episode show notes which consist of the drug summary, quiz, and link to the drug card for FREE! Please SUBSCRIBE, FOLLOW, and RATE on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever your favorite place to listen to podcasts are. The main goal is to go over the Top 200 Drugs with the occasional drug of interest. Also, if you'd like to say hello, suggest a drug, or leave some feedback I'd really appreciate hearing from you! Leave a voice message at anchor.fm/drugcardsdaily or find me on twitter @drugcardsdaily --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/drugcardsdaily/message

spotify drugs disorders bipolar d1 schizophrenia bipolar disorder d2 doses major depressive disorder seroquel quetiapine

Sage Titanium - Dave Rosen Founder / CEO

The Gravel Ride. A cycling podcast

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 17, 2021 34:43

This week we sit down with Dave Rosen, founder and CEO of Sage Titanium. After connecting at the ENVE Custom Builder Round Up, we sat down to talk about the Titanium Storm King, its performance goals and the multiple finishes that adorned this show bike. This show was presented by ENVE. Sage Titanium Website / Instagram Join The Ridership Support the Podcast Automated Transcription (please excuse the typos): ENVESage Titanium [00:00:00] Craig Dalton: Hello and welcome to the gravel ride podcast. I'm your host Craig Dalton. [00:00:07] This week on the podcast, we've got Dave Rosen, CEO, and founder of Sage Bicycles out of Oregon. Dave. And I happened to meet at the ENVE builder Roundup, and this is one of five episodes related to the NV Roundup that happened at the end of June in Ogden, Utah. I have to reiterate. If you're known for the company, you keep. [00:00:29] ENVE is known for exceptional relationships. That room was filled with outstanding builders from all over the world that chose to spec their custom creations with ENVE components and parts, including their adventure fork stems bars. And of course their wonderful gravel wheels. If you haven't already followed ENVE on social media channels. [00:00:54] Definitely do. And I highly highly recommend you seeking out imagery from the grow Dio event. So many beautiful bikes, so many beautiful paint jobs really worth looking at and keeping on your calendar for next year. If you happen to have the opportunity to race the grody. Event. It was an amazing ride out of Ogden, Utah. [00:01:18] That really checked a lot of boxes for me. It was both technical and challenging and scenically. Beautiful. Definitely one to have on your gravel calendar for 2022. With all that said let's dive right in to my interview with Dave Rosen, from Sage bicycles. Dave, welcome to the show. [00:01:39] David Rosen (Sage): Thanks Craig. [00:01:40] Craig Dalton: Great to see you. After seeing you in Utah at the ENVE builder, Roundup, what a, what an event. It was. [00:01:46] David Rosen (Sage): It really was fantastic. I had such a good time. It was so much fun. [00:01:49] Just being able to reconnect with friends. Doing industry stuff. Again, it just, it was way too long. And to be able to, meet new customers and that kind of thing, it just, it was just, it was great. And then just riding bikes, it was all about bikes. Just everything we did from to the little short track event, it was a really good time. [00:02:08] Yeah. I thought it was [00:02:09] Craig Dalton: funny that some of the builders were actually taking the bikes they built and racing them or riding them in the grody event. [00:02:15] David Rosen (Sage): The next. Yeah that's what I did with mine. It was just, that's why I brought it. It was it's meant to be written. It's meant to be raced. [00:02:22] Although I really wouldn't classify my writing as racing so much as it was surviving at my own pace. So I can make it back in time for beer. There was a bit [00:02:31] Craig Dalton: of that survival strategy in my day as well, but it was a great reminder and seeing all these great builders that I've wanted to have more of these conversations and particularly excited to talk about Sage Titanic. [00:02:43] So why don't we just start off with learning a little bit more about what led you to start the company and when it was started? [00:02:50] David Rosen (Sage): Yeah, so I started the company officially on paper in 2012. My first inventory was produced in 2013. At the time the original intent with the brand was to actually make the frames overseas. [00:03:06] For that in the beginning with the idea of offering a lower cost price point, competitor to what was out there. I knew I wanted to do titanium. It was always about titanium. I've been in love with titanium as a frame material for ever since the eighties, when I would see, titanium, Italian bikes rolling around and, central park, New York city, which is where I'm originally from not central park, mind you, but New York city. [00:03:28] And for me, it was always about Thai, but in this instance, I thought, it might be good to do a price point. And what I realized is over the course of that first year is the quality suffered. And, the reality is you get what you pay for. And yeah, the pricing could be cheap, blah. [00:03:44] There's a reason why it's cheap. And so the quality of the bikes suffered, the stuff we put out was fine, but we had more failures than we had successes. And, we've taken care of all of our customers that have had issues. And then there are others. Never heard from him. Everything's fine. [00:03:59] Wasn't it. Dave, was there a particular [00:04:01] Craig Dalton: style of bike that you targeted at that time? It was a bit early, obviously for gravel in those days in 2012. [00:04:07] David Rosen (Sage): Yeah, we did actually a while we did have a road bike it was more about the cyclocross bike and we actually had a commuter bike that would be the precursor to the current gravity. [00:04:20] It was designed around larger tires. Not as massive as what you're seeing today and their geometry was more relaxed than a road bike, similar to a cross bike, but with a longer wheel base. So it really was very versatile and we actually marketed it more as a commuter bike both a drop bar and a flat bar version, basically the same frame, just different builds. [00:04:40] But it showed the versatility of the bike for what it is. Gotcha. So in [00:04:44] Craig Dalton: that first year, you were unhappy with the production partner in China that you had. Yeah. It could very easily have been the end of Sage titanium at that point. But what did you do? [00:04:54] David Rosen (Sage): I basically just stepped back for a moment and analyzed what was going on. [00:04:59] People, customers. The concept of our brand. They liked what we were doing as a small builder, or, the just the ability to offer it's this Oregon, the Oregon brand connection, all that sort of stuff. The bikes were authentic. The designs were good. But it was just, they liked what we were doing, but they didn't necessarily like the maiden China aspect. [00:05:21] And so it really. Yeah, you're absolutely right. We could have folded up right then and there and not known what to do, but instead I made the decision to push forward with maiden USA. And so in 2014 is when I pivoted the brand. And instead of being more of a budget focused, mid tier titanium brand, I was like, we're going all in on the premium stuff. [00:05:43] And that's when we started our relationship with ENVE and instead of buying. Shimano 1 0 5, we're now buying Shimano duress. And it's all carbon this, then it's just, we're going high end and frames are made in USA. That is always the key and being able to push that out and and get that out there. [00:06:00] And then as we've, as the brand has moved along, we've been able to slowly evolve it. So the designs have gotten better. The line has expanded. We found our niche. Gravel bikes in particular. And then the mountain bikes are doing really well for us. But then we've been able to expand with now our finishes. [00:06:16] And so we've been able to continue to evolve the brand over these past from where it started nine years ago, to where it is now, the brands, It's a complete turnaround. Other than the name there, there's not much, that's the same between the two, [00:06:29] Craig Dalton: interesting. So can you talk to the listener a little bit about why you love titanium as a frame material with a particular eye on the gravel market and what makes it a great material for gravel bikes? [00:06:40] David Rosen (Sage): So the reason I love titanium is it was always for me growing up, it was that space, age material, it was the stuff that was used in the space shuttle and, fighter jets and that sort of thing. So it's got this mystique about it, if you will. It was back in the I'm trying not to date myself, but back in the eighties, it was like, It was sexier. [00:07:04] It was it. Wasn't nothing wrong with steel. I love steel. I love aluminum. I love carbon. Everything has its place for where it should be, but the tie bikes back then there was just something mystical about them. You'd see plenty of steel bikes riding around plenty of aluminum bikes, but it was very few titanium bikes. [00:07:22] When you saw one, it was special. And so that always made an imprint on me kind of thing. And that's where I initially fell in love with it. The. What has drawn me to it from a builder standpoint? And the reason why I only focus on titanium is because of the durability of the material. [00:07:38] The the, how far it can bend the fatigue, resistance of the material. If the fact that it's rust-proof it's, I live in the Pacific Northwest, steel bikes are awesome, but they can rust if you don't take care of them. And if you take care of them, they're fine. But if you don't, they can rust titanium. [00:07:55] Doesn't rust. Titanium has a higher fatigue resistance point where you can bend the tube farther in titanium and it'll snap back before it breaks versus steel or aluminum for that matter. So inherently, then it then gives itself this ride quality. Again, maybe this is an old term, but it was called the magic carpet ride because it just smooths everything out. [00:08:19] And it's one of those things that when you're on it, if you ride a carbon bike on chip seal or an aluminum bike on chip seal or even steel for that matter, but then you write a tie, it there's a vibration, but if you ride titanium on chip seal, it mutes it out. It's just, it's really amazing what the material can do. [00:08:36] And the fact that it can be repaired easily. It's the forever bike. You're going to have a tie bike for 20, 30, 40 years. The only reason to change it at some point is just because it's outdated and that's, and even then, that's not really a reason to change it. Cause there's always, the desire to keep those historical bikes. [00:08:55] So yeah, my [00:08:56] Craig Dalton: father's got one sitting in the garage with, I think a mag 21 fork on it and cantilever lever brakes. [00:09:02] David Rosen (Sage): And he'll never get [00:09:03] Craig Dalton: rid of it, a reason for him to replace it, other than he doesn't know what he's missing, because he's never written disc, disc brakes at this point. [00:09:11] David Rosen (Sage): Exactly. But beyond that, it's just, it's a bike he's going to keep, and he's got a lot of good memories for it. [00:09:16] So [00:09:17] Craig Dalton: early it's at Sage, thinking about the cross-market and the commuter market. When did gravel start to become a thing? When did you start to see those trends start to appear and what your customers were asking for? [00:09:30] David Rosen (Sage): I would say I started to see it in 2015 2014 and 2015. So the, our first USA frames were 2014. [00:09:38] We had a road, we had a road frame and a cross. Which we brought up, we improve the designs based on what was originally made in China, made some refinements to it okay, we've took, we've taken our learnings and move forward. The commuter bike we dropped. And it just, it wasn't where I wanted the brand to be it. [00:09:54] Wasn't where I wanted the brand to focus on. And so drop that and just started with the two bikes to begin with. But it left this hole in the line of where I felt we needed to another bike in place to round things out. And my friends and I, at that time would go out on these rides. We take our cross bikes and we were going and doing gravel rides on our cross bikes. [00:10:15] Some guys would use their rode bikes and they, 25 mill tires was considered a fat tire back in 2014 and 2015. And we'd go out and go ride gravel. And, some buy, somebody would get a flat sometimes. You wouldn't and sometimes, we'd get into some gnarly stuff and that's why you wanted a crossbite, cause it had bigger tires, but then the road bikes always beat you to the gravel, and so it was just this weird mix of what's the right bike. And there were quite a few events. Grind Duro is a great example of one where it was very much about choose your weapon. And because there were, there's plenty of paved road and grind. But then there's plenty of crazy stages of, single track and gravel road and what's the right bike. [00:11:01] And so people were bringing all these different bikes and there was no specific bike that you could just point to and go, that's the type of bike I need for this event. And there was, it was a wild west kind of mentality, which is really kinda cool. And I still think the gravel segment the way it continues to evolve. [00:11:18] Exhibits that kind of, bring what, run what you got thing and, and modify what you can, but it was around them that I started seeing that desire for something along those lines. And for me here for where I live in Beaverton, Oregon, which is just outside of Portland, I'm a little west of Portland. [00:11:34] Yeah. There is, there's plenty of good gravel, like 10 miles from my house. So I'm not going to drive to the gravel. I'm going to ride my bike to the gravel. So the initial gravel bike I designed was really around the concept of, I wanted it to be fun on the road. And when I got to the gravel, I could tear up the gravel and then go ride for 40 miles on the gravel and then come back home for a 20 mile paved ride or whatever it was, wherever it dropped me off. [00:12:00] And so that was the Genesis of the first gravel bike. It was, you had to ride it to the gravel. It wasn't, I get people have to drive sometimes, that was the idea. And was [00:12:09] Craig Dalton: that the [00:12:10] David Rosen (Sage): Barlow? That was the Barlow correct. [00:12:13] Craig Dalton: And so what sort of tire size capacity did the bar [00:12:16] David Rosen (Sage): Barlow accept? [00:12:17] It's always accepted 40 millimeter tires. 700. Or six 50 by 50. There weren't a lot of tires in that size when it first came out. I use the ENVE all road fork as the fork of choice for the Barlow, because it was it's designed around a 38, but we can actually squeeze in a 40. So we've done it. [00:12:34] It's certain tires, it works great. Some tires not as great because the fork is designed for what it is. The frame clears a 40 no problem. But it's, the fork is a little bit of a. But we designed the bike around that. And so that gave us the ability to really push the envelope. So where everybody's saying, oh, 30 and 32 millimeter tires of the gravel, I'm throwing 30 fives and who's got the fattest 40 millimeter tire I could find. [00:12:58] And at the time that was great. And so the Barlow was really ahead of the game in that regard. And then [00:13:04] Craig Dalton: subsequently you introduced an, another model, the storm chaser. When did that come into the world? Sorry, storm. Storm king my bad. When did the storm king come into being and what were the sort of the drivers from the industry and riders that you were seeing that said, okay, the Barlow is one thing, but the storm king is going to be this other thing. [00:13:25] David Rosen (Sage): So I, I have a rider I sponsor he's a retired former world tour pro and he. He w he still races for me kinda thing. He does mountain, and he does gravel, and those are his focuses. And he took the Barlow to Unbound before it was relaunched as Unbound when it was DK. [00:13:44] And this was back in 2018, I believe if I remember correctly. And he took the Barlow there and he used, he was using the Barlow and all the gravel events that were popping. And he was encountering challenging terrain would be the best way to put it. Just, big rocks big, just nasty, just eat your tires up rocks kind of thing. [00:14:07] And he came back and he said, okay here's my opinion on everything. We need bigger tires. And I need a little bit more of an upright riding position as opposed to not quite as well. Cause the Barlow is is a little bit more aggressive. It's not as aggressive as our road bike, but it's definitely slacker and a little bit more upright. [00:14:25] But he wanted it even more. And so that was the main driver because it was based on race input. So it was, is doing skull hollow, one 20 and DK at the time were the two big ones, other events, it was working great. But for these other events these, just these handful of them. Where the terrain was nuts. [00:14:44] He said, we need something bigger. And I saw the writing on the wall as there's more of these crazy events that are starting to pop up, we're going to need a bike. That's going to be able to compete in those events. Not just SBT is a great example of the Barlow's perfect Belgian waffle ride. The Barlow works perfect. [00:15:02] It depends on which Belgian waffle ride right now. But anyway, that was the gig. I find that [00:15:06] Craig Dalton: fascinating for someone at that end of the spectrum of the sport, a professional athlete, noting that bigger fatter slacker is actually going to be faster in these events, because I think it is something that the listener can really take away. [00:15:20] It's really easy for you to think, oh, being on one of these road, plus bikes is what's going to make me faster, but in a lot of these events and particularly for the more average athlete who spending a longer time in the center, A more comfortable bike, a more stable bike with buy bigger tires could actually be the bike of choice. [00:15:38] I [00:15:38] David Rosen (Sage): would agree. If you think about it, if you're choosing between a 32 millimeter tire versus a 40 millimeter tire or a 36 and a 50, whatever it may be. And you're thinking the smaller tire is going to be faster because it's less rotating weight and it's going to roll faster for the tread, whatever it may be. [00:15:57] Yeah. You're probably right. How many flats are you potentially fixing and how much time are you going to waste with flats? Whereas the rolling resistance of the larger tires, isn't really that far off of the smaller tires. Yes. You're carrying more weight, but if you have more assurance that you can go faster through the rough stuff without damaging the bike, you're going to be faster overall. [00:16:18] You look at the, you look at some of the pros like Ted king and those guys, I think they're always trying to push as big a tire as they can run without it being. So early slower, [00:16:28] Craig Dalton: that seems to be the trend. And for me, like I'm spending 30, 40% more time out there on these courses than the pro athletes are. [00:16:35] So I've got to think about the general wear and tear. My day is probably more akin to an iron man triathlon than American Don, [00:16:42] David Rosen (Sage): you and me both 12 hour days for you. Exactly. Yeah, me too. [00:16:47] Craig Dalton: So let's talk a little bit more specifically about the storm king and the type of tires it can access. [00:16:52] David Rosen (Sage): So it's designed around a 700 by 50 six 50 by two point. [00:16:58] Oh, I'm sorry. 2.2 is usually pretty good. Because we can make, because we make each storm king individually, one at a time, the customer really has the opportunity to specify, I am going to run this size tire kind of thing, so we can modify the rear end of the. To accommodate the tire, obviously picking the right fork is always key. [00:17:19] Of course. In instances we just had a customer, he sent us the wheel, the full wheel and the tire, and it's okay, great. And then we just, we throw it in the frame and make sure it fits. So this way we can truly customize it to what's the worst case scenario you're going to run on this bike. [00:17:34] Craig Dalton: Do you have a stock chain stay length that on the storm king or does it going to modify based on those criteria that the customer entrance. [00:17:43] David Rosen (Sage): It's gonna, it's gonna modify based on it's this no, no stock chain stay length. It's gonna modify based on the based on the wheel size, the tire size and actually the drive train and the dry train specifically. [00:17:57] So is it GRX? Is it Eckhart? Is it force wide? Is it Altegra stuff like that kind of thing? All of those factors we actually play in to to designing the chain, stay length because if you get it wrong and you make it too short, you run into clearance issues that it's you're stuck, but if we know what you want going into it, we can build it specifically. [00:18:19] And we really we're dialing in the process. We continue to do it every day or making it, [00:18:23] Craig Dalton: That might be a good segue into just describing for the listener. What does that customer journey look like if they want to get on a storm king, what does the process look like? How long does it take to get one? [00:18:34] David Rosen (Sage): So the process usually begins with the customer, listening to this podcast, seeing a review online or an ad in a magazine or something along those lines. And then pretty much reaching out through the website is usually how it works. It's very rare. As crazy as it sounds that somebody will buy a bike, sight unseen through the website, it happens, but it's, a complete stock build. Here you go. This is what I want. And that sort of thing. That's, it's rare because this is a very personal purchase. And so usually the customer is going to reach out through the contact form on our website. [00:19:10] Usually usually it's me who is responding, but it could be one of our other folks here. But nine times out of 10 it's usually me that everybody's speaking to. And they'll reach out through email, I'll respond back and we start a dialogue and it could be a case of let's get on the phone and talk it through and what's understand what the build is you're looking for. [00:19:30] And we can really customize the spec and the bill. You know of the complete bike. Some customers are only looking for a frame or a frame set, and that's fine too. And it's, let's go through the specs of that. And the process is quite a bit of email quite a bit of phone calls if needed. When the customer's ready to move forward, they put a deposit down and then the design process begins. [00:19:51] Usually if the customer has a fit that they've done recently and they want to use those fit numbers, then we use. If they're here local in Portland, then we have them see our fitter and we get, they get a professional fit done. And if they want to come into town, I've had a couple people actually fly in from Northern California, for example and have fits done here. [00:20:10] And then I get the numbers and, go to town on designing the frame and lead time on frames right now, I'd say is about four months from when we actually, when the design is. So that doesn't include the lead time. It doesn't include the time that we spend talking prior to and dialing in all that sort of stuff. [00:20:28] When the design is handed off to my welder right now, we're at about a four month lead time for framework. [00:20:34] Craig Dalton: Are there limitations in terms of the areas of the bike that can be customized? Head tube, size, top tube lent anything that's off the table or is everything on [00:20:42] David Rosen (Sage): the table now everything's on the table. [00:20:44] I've had one or two customers that have been very vocal about, I want the head tube to be this, and I want this to be the seat angle and that sort of thing. And it's a process we go through and I'm more than happy to accommodate the customers if they're, sure. That's what they want kind of thing. [00:20:59] But usually it's a case of, if I get your X, Y coordinates from your fit, I'm going to build you a storm king. And that's what it's going to be. If you want something that's completely dead. I'm working on an iron man bike for somebody right now. And that's a totally different bike than anything we offer. [00:21:15] So then that's much more of a personal process of what are you looking for and how do you want it to be, rather than I know what I want the storm king to be, and I'm going to make a storm king that fits you. Gotcha. [00:21:25] Craig Dalton: Let's talk about that. Beautiful storm king. You brought to Utah, it had a lot of different finishes on it. [00:21:31] It did. Really and is that is for, we didn't have paint on it as well. It had cerakote. Okay. So let's go through, I think it's amazing that the number of options you offer and certainly the execution on that bike I'll post a picture of it because it was beautiful. Everybody needs to look at it, but let's talk about the different options for finish on a titanium frame. [00:21:50] David Rosen (Sage): We have four different options. We let's see, let's start with the standard finish that you see on most of the bikes on the website is our brushed finish. It's a raw titanium. It's very silvery looking. It's shiny. It's great for just durability. If you scratch it, you can take a Scotch-Brite pad and little shoeshine motion, then you can buff it out. [00:22:12] It's a great it's a great finish and it's just the classic titanium finish. That's finished. Number one, finish number two is bead blast where we basically put the frame in a giant cabinet, if you will, a sealed cabinet and we shoot it with a what's called media and media can be anything from glass beads to Walnut shells. [00:22:33] It just depends on what. And it, it impacts the frame and it changes the appearance and the finish and the texture of the frame itself. It doesn't damage the frame in any way, but it changes the finish. So a bead blast is usually a it's just, it has a different look to it. It's more of a dull look to it from there. [00:22:53] We then start getting into colors and that's where we've really exploded this year for the options and the custom work that we've been doing. If you look through our social media feed and as well as our custom page, we have a custom bike page where every custom bike gets a photo shoot and we do all that sort of stuff. [00:23:08] You can see the differences, but we've been doing a lot more with cerakote and with anodize for the frames anodize is if you seen the Chris king parts, they're blue they're purple. They're good. That's all anodized aluminum kind of thing. It's dipped in a bath. That's electrified. It comes out at a certain voltage. [00:23:26] It gives you a color. [00:23:27] Craig Dalton: I think it's interesting David to drill into. I've seen some super intricate anodized look. Unlike the Chris king headset, which is, orange or red or whatever they do, you seem to have a technique in which you've got the titanium frame, which is maybe the, the brush titanium or whatever, and then small areas that are animated. [00:23:45] David Rosen (Sage): Yeah it's just a matter of the artwork that we do every custom frame that we do short of it just being, I just want logos done, but if there's artwork involved I have a graphic artist on staff. It has been in the art world for quite some time. He's a cycling buddy of mine. We've known each other for years, but he's an artist, a true artist kind of thing. [00:24:06] Like he does art shows and all that sort of good stuff. And he designs all the bikes. So every single bike is never repeated. Each individual bike is a rolling piece of art. If you want the bike, you're seeing the show bike that we have on the website, I can do something similar, but it'll never be that again. [00:24:23] It'll be it'll be sister bike. It won't be an identical twin kind of thing. But yeah we get a little crazy with the finishes that we do. And then we mix all of that in with Sarah code, which is we've. We been using paint, wet paint for quite some time. And paint's awesome. It, you can color match with it and we still do wet paint. [00:24:41] If a customer requests it, you can color match very specifically. To a specific item. If you have it, you can mix colors and that sort of thing. What we found with paint though, and with gravel bikes in particular, is it's not as durable as we would like. And the problem is that if you get a rock strike on your titanium, gravel bike with paint it is possible. [00:25:02] It could chip. And so that's not really an ideal situation. So we switched to cerakote, which is a ceramic coat. That's cured onto the frame and it's actually used on guns tanks, rocket parts, jet fighters. As whenever you see the paint that's on these vehicles and these, munitions, if you will that's cerakote and it's super resistant to heat damage from any sort of debris flying out of it. [00:25:29] I Heck if somebody can shoot a gun at a tank and the, the tanks spine cause of the Seroquel. That sort of thing. I'm pretty confident the bike is going to be okay from a rock strike. And and yeah, our painter is able to actually mix all of these all of these four different finishes together. [00:25:44] And we're able to make these incredible bikes of just total variety of just really just pushing them. The [00:25:51] Craig Dalton: cerakote was the one I was least familiar with. And a couple of builders were using it out there in Utah at the end of the builder Roundup. How has it actually applied? Is it applied like a paint or a [00:26:02] David Rosen (Sage): no it's more of a paint it's sprayed on. [00:26:05] So there is a masking process that goes on. The masking actually takes the most time for the bike itself for the actual paint work to be done. And basically once the bike is massed up, you pretty much split. As, you peel off the layers and as you spray it and that sort of thing. And then when all is said and done, you cure the bike it goes into an oven to cures and it can be sprayed in the morning, cured by lunch and ship out in the same day in the afternoon. [00:26:30] And it's done. Like you don't have to worry like the paints, soft, or it needs to still time just it's ready to ship. So it's pretty crazy. And it's super. And is [00:26:39] Craig Dalton: it something that you can apply, in almost any design on the bike to any part of the bike, [00:26:44] David Rosen (Sage): just about any design? It's really the limitation of the, of my artist and of the painter and being able to mask it. [00:26:51] Sometimes there are issues with tube shapes and that you're people thinking, people think of art and they think in a two dimensional sense as a flat canvas and the arts applied to it. But the reality is bicycles are three-dimensional rounded. There is no hard point to start and stop here and there. [00:27:10] So sometimes you have to make decisions and you have to make choices about how the artwork is going to lay on the frame itself. Because sometimes it may not work even the best intentions. It's eh, just not going to look right. And the tubes aren't exactly large like a canvas. So you have to think those things. [00:27:28] Yeah. I think that's [00:27:29] Craig Dalton: The value in having. Artists be also a cyclist. They understand how the bike is constructed and the tube shapes and everything and also how it plays out, how it's going to look visually from within a Peloton to out there on the gravel road. [00:27:42] David Rosen (Sage): Yeah, absolutely. [00:27:43] No he's fantastic about making the bike stand out for sure. And this particular show bike is I think it's, I think it's one of my favorites, period. There are some others that we've done that are pretty amazing as well. It would be hard honestly, to stack them all up next to each other and pick one. [00:27:59] So it's a rough thing. So I'll take this one for right now and go. This is my favorite for the time being nice. Are [00:28:05] Craig Dalton: there other trends in the gravel market that you're looking forward to exploring? [00:28:09] David Rosen (Sage): I think I'm interested to see where suspension goes. It's I'm not saying I'm fully. [00:28:17] Committed to suspension and I think it should be on all bikes. I think it's certain applications in certain arenas and I don't necessarily think it should be a mountain bike fork. For example, that's just slimmed down. I think it needs to be its own technology because I think gravel is different. And I think there needs to be different engineering behind the design of the fork itself. [00:28:40] It needs to be lighter. It does need to be sexier. And it needs to, it's minimal travel. We don't need, you don't even need a hundred millimeters. Yeah. Travel for a gravel bike. It's, at some point again, I always go back to the original. My Barlow of you have to ride, you could ride from your house on the pavement to the gravel ride back to the pavement, ride back home. [00:29:00] So the bikes should be able to handle both. Other than that, if it's just only good off road, then it's really a drop bar mountain bike at that point. I'm interested to see where that goes. I think dropper posts will continue to I think that's more of an immediate trend that's coming. [00:29:16] I just, I see the value of it and, I saw it a grow DEO. There were guys that were just bombing down those descents baby head rocks, and just blasting down them on 50 mil tires and the dropper posts because they got the saddle out of the way. And it. It, it does add to the capability of the bike. [00:29:32] And then when we got out on the road, they pop the seat back up and everything was fine. Yeah. [00:29:36] Craig Dalton: That was my technique. I knew I was going to get gapped off on all the climbs, but I had a hope, I had a hope if I rode my bike card with that dropper post down on the dissents, but I might just bridge back up to the group that just dropped me. [00:29:47] David Rosen (Sage): Yeah, exactly. No, it [00:29:49] Craig Dalton: works great. I too. And the listener well knows. I'm fascinated by the idea of suspension in ground. All your points are spot on. It's going to have to be this delicate balance, to not take away the capabilities. We're not trying to build mountain bikes here. They still need to be bikes that can get fast on the road, but to each their own in terms of gravel, right? [00:30:09] We've got listeners all over the world whose experiences are dramatically different. And what I hope is that it just becomes this type of thing, where you look at someone who has a more aggressively set up gravel bike. You just understand that's probably what they have in their backyard and someone who's, riding the Barlow with 30 twos on it, that could be totally capable. [00:30:30] It could be overkill for the types of gravel roads they ride, but to each [00:30:34] David Rosen (Sage): their own. Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. It's, it's we see the same sort of thing with mountain bikes. There's this trend towards not a trend. It's here. I wouldn't call it a trend and I'm a big fan of it. [00:30:45] Big hit long travel bikes with slack, that angles that basically five years ago were downhill bikes. And now they're single crown and Duro bikes. And guys are, we're doing, I'm doing crazy jumps on the weekends and all that sort of stuff, but does the person in Florida, for example or Texas where it's pancake flat for the most part and I'm sure there are technical steep places where you need it. [00:31:07] So I apologize. Not, I'm not trying to characterize the entire state that way, but generally speaking Florida is pretty flat. So do you need a long travel, slacked out bike? Probably not thing. And to your point about the gravel, there's places where that, a 32 mil tire is going to be perfect there, and there's other places where a 50 mil tire and it's their backyard. [00:31:28] So yeah, I would totally agree with that. [00:31:30] Craig Dalton: You'll start to get that feedback next season in 2022 for people running time. Front suspension, forks on their bikes. And it would be curious to see, much like your professional athlete gave the feedback that ultimately led to the storm king. We may see that feedback coming back saying having a little bit of suspension on the front simply makes the bike faster. [00:31:52] And if it's faster, people are going to go for it from a race perspective. [00:31:56] David Rosen (Sage): Yeah, no, I would agree. At some level it is 1990 for mountain bikes. But at the same time, it's the gravel bikes of today are far more capable than those. What were mountain bikes back then? And it's pretty impressive with how the bike is evolved. [00:32:10] Yeah, I totally [00:32:11] Craig Dalton: agree with you. I had that same feeling back in the early nineties around mountain biking that every year, every month it seemed like a new idea was being put forward and people were testing and learning and it took, it was this great and super enjoyable journey. If you were involved in it to watch it out. [00:32:28] David Rosen (Sage): Yeah, no, absolutely. It was a lot of fun. And it's, I think gravel is going through the same sort of, evolution [00:32:34] Craig Dalton: actually. We're all here. We're all listening. We're all involved the communities as all eyes on the innovation. Super exciting time. I appreciate you joining me today, Dave, and giving us a little more of an overview, a deep dive into Sage titanium. [00:32:48] I loved the work that you showed in Utah, and I wish you all the. [00:32:52] David Rosen (Sage): Thanks. I really appreciate it. This was a lot of fun. Thanks for having me. [00:32:55] Craig Dalton: Cheers. [00:32:56] Big, thanks today for joining us this week, I have to say, I really do love that storm king. It takes a lot of boxes for me, the finished work was beautiful. The clearances are right up my alley, and I think it would be a hell of a lot of fun to ride that bike. Also another big, thanks to ENVE for sponsoring the podcast this week. And for sponsoring this entire series, it's really been a pleasure. Getting introduced to a lot of their partners around the world, looking through their componentry and touring their factory. I've mentioned it on earlier podcasts, but I was very impressed with the amount of testing they do. In-house and just the fabrication process in general, in Ogden, Utah, the attention to detail. [00:33:40] The passion of the employee base. And everything about ENVE's work there in the United States just really makes me happy. So be sure to check them out. [00:33:49] When you support our podcast partners, you're supporting the podcast itself. [00:33:53] I wouldn't be able to continue doing what I'm doing without their support. [00:33:57] And I wouldn't do this without your support. The gravel community has been super embracing of what I've been doing. [00:34:03] And I've loved getting to know some of you in in-person events. But more broadly through the ridership community. If you're not already a member of this free community, just visit www.theridership.com. We'd love to have you. And if you're interested in supporting the podcast further, please visit buy me a coffee.com/the gravel ride. [00:34:24] There's any number of ways in which you can support what I'm doing here. Until next time. Here's to finding some dirt under your wheels

(Almost) Everything about psych meds... in under 16 minutes

Back from the Abyss

Play Episode Listen Later Apr 27, 2021 15:40

Antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines, stimulants.....READY SET GO!Med cheat sheetSSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors)-- Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Celexa, Zoloft, Luvox, Trintellix, Viibryd-- They are generally NOT antidepressantsMainly helpful for OCD, body dysmorphia, panic (if not from trauma), depression if postpartum or fueled by neuroticism or ruminative anxietySNRIs (serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors)-- Effexor/venlafaxine, Cymbalta/duloxetineMostly helpful for combined depression/anxiety, especially with insomniaWellbutrin/bupropion-- very stimulating (prison crack!), true antidepressant; can trigger/worsen anxietyMAO (monoamine oxidase) inhibitors-- powerful antidepressants, lots of side effects and med interactionsLamictal/lamotrigine-- definitely ALL THAT and a bag of chips (see My Desert Island Meds in Season 1)Atypical antipsychotics- Abilify/aripiprazole, Latuda/lurasidone, Seroquel/quetiapine, Saphris/asenapine, Vraylar/cariprazine, Risperdal/risperidone, Zyprexa/olanzapine, Geodon/ziprasidone, Invega/paliperidone Generally good mood stabilizers (in contrast to the putative "mood stabilizers" below); typically more helpful for severe depression and bipolar disorder than true psychosis (Zyprexa and Risperdal excepted)"Mood stabilizers"- (big misnomer, most effective for mania/agitation, not depression)-- Depakote/valproic acid, Trileptal/oxcarbazepine, Tegretol/carbamazepineLithium- it's not clozapine, but gets the silver medal as a true mood stabilizer (see My Desert Island Meds in Season 1)Clozapine- the winner of the psychiatric med decathlon in most every event; needs weekly blood monitoring and has a few very serious potential side effectsBenzodiazepines- Xanax/alprazolam; Klonopin/clonazepam, Librium/chlordiazepoxide, Ativan/lorazepam, Valium/diazepamStimulants- Adderall/amphetamine; Vyvanse; Ritalin/Concerta/Focalin/methylphenidateAmphetamines are more euphoria-inducing, thus more abused and addictive and also tend to have more side effects; both amphetamines and methylphenidate are roughly equally effective for ADD/ADHDBFTAhttps://www.craigheacockmd.com/podcast-page/

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171 - The Importance of Exercise When Getting Clean and Sober

Real Recovery Talk

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 4, 2021 38:25

Getting clean and sober can be stressful. We try to do everything possible to help people going through recovery deal with stress. It's scientifically proven that exercise will help reduce stress levels. This is why we can't emphasize the importance of exercise enough in the process of getting clean and sober. Today’s episode is about exercise and why it is important to incorporate into your journey. Tom and Ben will be discussing this important topic along with the benefits of exercising throughout the recovery process and how exercise can affect your overall physical and mental well being. It can even have an effect on heart health and inflammatory issues. Show Notes [02:23] Stress reduction. Exercise is a natural stress reducer. It naturally correlates with the chemicals in your brain. It also gives you an opportunity to take your mind off of whatever you've been thinking about for the day. [03:42] Getting clean and sober can be stressful. There are a lot of things that you aren't used to doing that you now have to do while you're sober. [04:20] There is even research out there that shows stress can cause heart and inflammatory issues. [04:50] Exercise also incorporates into time management. Going to the gym right after work gives you an opportunity to step away from the stressors of the day. [05:46] If you exercise, you get better sleep. Most people in recovery are prescribed some type of sleep aid. It's hard to fall asleep when you first begin recovery. [06:52] It's extremely beneficial to wean off of the sleep meds, and exercise can help you do this. [09:57] Seroquel is an antipsychotic used for sleep. It makes you tired and makes you sleep. Tom became dependent on it. [11:29] Tom has to do something exercise-related during the day even if it's just going for some walks. It definitely helps him sleep. [12:15] In Ben's opinion, sleep medication helps maintain the addicts behavior and mentality. [13:11] While we're sleeping our bodies rejuvenate and repair themselves. [13:51] Improves mood. Exercising actually improves your mood. Exercise helps with the depression and anxiety that people in recovery frequently have. [15:45] We just built a gym and run our clients through a workout routine. We ask them to pay attention to their mood before and after the exercise. We frequently see people walk out of the exercise session with a smile on their face. [17:32] Opiates release endorphins. A runner's high is similar to the endorphins from opiates. It's the same chemicals on the brain. [19:48] Most people who get regular exercise aren't depressed. [20:10] CrossFit or something with a community workout gives people a sense of accomplishment. [21:15] We find exercises that we can modify for all of our clients. [22:06] Increase of energy. Energy capital. Even though exercising expends energy, by exercising you end up with more energy throughout the day. [24:05] Coffee and energy drinks are not the only way to energize. [25:26] If you work out you sleep better, if you sleep better you have more energy. It all comes full circle. [26:01] Exercise gives you a stronger immune system. It's important to have a strong immune system during recovery, because you don't want to get sick. [27:20] Exercise can help push out the last of the detox process. [28:49] Pot is fat soluble and can store in your fat cells. [30:07] Exercising as a whole will help with relapse prevention. [30:24] It's a challenge, it gives you purpose, it's something you enjoy, you sleep better and feel better. [30:59] Also add good nutrition and have a sense of community or a 12-step program, and you will be setting yourself up for success. [31:44] Tom just competed in a US powerlifting competition. [32:29] A big part of recovery is fellowship. [35:12] We have seen exercise work time and time again. It helps with mood and everything else. [35:47] This is why we incorporate exercise into our programs. We give people the tools they need and coach them through the workouts. Links and Resources: Ep. 27 – Is Steroid Use in Recovery Considered a Relapse?

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Episode 48 - “Safe Drugs” #2: Seroquel

The Addiction Connection

Play Episode Listen Later Feb 16, 2021 26:42

Drs Kurt DeVine & Heather Bell continue the series on drugs felt to be safe, but are not necessarily! Episode 2 features quetiapine, “Seroquel,” a second-generation.

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What happens when you mix alcohol and Seroquel?

Recovery Partner Network

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 10, 2021 0:11

Drinking alcohol while taking Seroquel can cause drowsiness, agitation, aggression, memory loss, and lack of concentration.https://recoverypartnernetwork.com/alcohol/effects/mixing-alcohol-with-other-drugs

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Talking Insomnia #42: Success is enjoying life again - Matt's journey

The Fight Within Her Podcast

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 9, 2021 40:29

When the lockdown happened, Matt found himself in a small bachelor’s apartment day and night. After excitement from receiving a package led him to go to bed early the following night, and not sleeping, anxiety around sleep set in. Soon after, Matt followed sleep hygiene and spent much time on online insomnia groups while he slept less and less. In this episode we learn how he found meaningful help from his doctor and sleep coaching apps, came of Seroquel and started enjoying life again! Do you have trouble sleeping? Can’t sleep? Have questions about insomnia or sleep? Please submit here and we will try to respond soon in an Open class episode. https://www.thesleepcoachschool.com/h... Would you like to work with a sleep coach? Awesome! Here are some great options: - The Self Coaching Master Program www.thesleepcoachschool.com - BedTyme, a sleep coaching app for iOS and Android. - Daniel’s book Set it & Forget it on Amazon. It includes a cell phone number where you can send questions. The self coaching program is perfect if you like learning through video and also if have mental wellness goals besides such has being less anxious. BedTyme is ideal if you like to learn via text and have a sleep coach in your pocket. Not sure where to start? Check out these playlists! This is natto - the perfect place to start learning! https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Success stories - if you need hope and inspiration, this is for you. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Insomnia insight - a list of every single episode. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Talking insomnia - guests with trouble sleeping or experts share their stories / tips. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Hypnic jerks, hypnic awareness and other common issues. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Fatal insomnia - for those concerned about ffi and sfi. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... The self coaching model https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Best! This content does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or other qualified healthcare providers.

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EP. 14: The Dangers of the Drug Seroquel in Autistic Teens

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 30, 2020 8:44

In today's episode, I'm sharing my scare as a mother when I found my autistic son unresponsive from the dangerous antipsychotic drug known as Seroquel. its side Ill also share the effects of the drug and the withdrawal symptoms you may not know about. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/thefightwithinher/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thefightwithinher/support

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Open Class #1: To Michael, Haley, Christopher, Caroline, Melina and Ahmed

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 16, 2020 0:02

Michael wonders if having internal tremors when you are awake at night is common with anxiety. Haley desperately wants to get off Seroquel and Trazodone but whenever she has tried she’s become so emotionally distraught that she couldn’t. Christopher is doing well but still wakes up a few times and wonders - is this normal? Caroline asks what to do then you are restless at night. Malena has a little angel and devil in her shoulders, and she’s not afraid of the little devil anymore. Ahmed is in a the rabbit hole. How can he start climbing back up? Do you have trouble sleeping? Can’t sleep? Have questions about insomnia or sleep? Please leave a comment or send an email: questions@thesleepcoachschool.com I will be happy to share my thoughts as a video reply in an Ask Daniel episode. If you want to connect elsewhere I’m on Twitter @ErichsenDaniel, Instagram @Erichsen.Daniel, Facebook as Daniel Erichsen. Would you like to work with me? Awesome! I would love a chance to help you sleep fantastic. There are three ways we can work together: - The Self Coaching Master Program www.thesleepcoachschool.com - BedTyme, a sleep coaching app for iOS and Android. - Buy my book Set it & Forget it on Amazon. It includes a cell phone number where you can send questions. The self coaching program is perfect if you like learning through video and also if have mental wellness goals besides such has being less anxious. BedTyme is ideal if you like to learn via text and have a sleep coach in your pocket. Not sure where to start? Check out these playlists! Core curriculum - a collection of the most important insights, a great place to start. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Success stories - if you need hope and inspiration, this is for you. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Insomnia insight - a list of every single episode. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Talking insomnia - guests with trouble sleeping or experts share their stories / tips. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Hypnic jerks, sudden awareness of falling asleep and other common issues. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Fatal insomnia - for those concerned about ffi and sfi. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... The self coaching model https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Best! This content does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or other qualified healthcare providers.

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Off-Label Drug Use

Pro Pharma Talks

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 9, 2020 28:30

1. What is off-label drug use? a. Off-label drug use is when doctors prescribe medications for unapproved uses b. FDA cannot control how doctors prescribe c. 20% of Rx in US are fore off-label uses 2. Why use a drug for off-label purposes? a. Tried all other options without success b. Literature to support drug’s use, even if limited c. Different dosage form d. Dosage for which there is evidence that a higher dose may be effective e. Drug is generic so there is no financial benefit for a manufacturer to obtain approvals 3. What are the risks? a. Balance between effectiveness and risk is tilted toward risk b. Investigational studies with close monitoring of safety 4. Approvals a. Experimental b. Benefit unknown c. Risks unknown d. Plan must pay for all consequences 5. Examples a. Gabapentin for anxiety b. High dose/strength opiates for pain c. Stimulants for weight loss d. Anti-epileptic medications for mood disorders/bipolar disease e. Examples of atypical antipsychotics include Seroquel, Zyprexa and Abilify. They are being used to treat an array of conditions off-label, including anxiety, attention-deficit disorder, sleep problems, behavioral problems in toddlers and dementia. f. Antipsychotics to treat dementia g. Cancer treatment – estimated 50% are off-label _____ Make sure to subscribe to get the latest episode. Contact Us: Pharmacy Benefit News: http://www.propharmaconsultants.com/pbn.html Email: info@propharmaconsultants.com Website: http://www.propharmaconsultants.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/propharmainc Twitter: https://twitter.com/ProPharma/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/propharmainc/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/pro-pharma-pharmaceutical-consultants-inc/ Podcast: https://anchor.fm/pro-pharma-talks

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Ep1: My first week on Seroquel/Quetiapine

BPD Hope UK

Play Episode Listen Later Jun 19, 2020 32:56

This episode Matt goes into the affect Bipolar disorder and psychosis can have on your life, while he self administrates Seroquel

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Ask Daniel #47: Success & Struggle

Ridgeview Podcast: CME Series

Play Episode Listen Later May 19, 2020 55:00

Colleen aka Jane has slept really well for three weeks after relaxing the CBTi rules! But can she have alcohol at night? Akash wonders if meditation and progressive muscle relaxation are part of CBTi. Jau ask about restless legs and a twitch from the right ankle when about to fall asleep. Brent is coming off medications and feels like he has little to no sleep drive. Is there a natural way to increase your sleep drive? Fei is coming of Seroquel. What's the best way of coming off medications for sleep? Joseph has hallucinations, jerks and is afraid he may have sporadic fatal insomnia. Ali has found a way to rethink paradoxical, hypnic jerks and waking up after one hour of sleep and shares the mindset that has helped her get good sleep. Juro sleeps good for one week but then has a sleepless night. Is tis a normal part of getting into better sleep shape? Vince has a 2nd relapse. Or does he? Lorena wonders when it's time to stop. using a sleep diary. AA asks if it's ok to move his sleep window 45 minutes forward. Do you have trouble sleeping? Can’t sleep? Have questions about insomnia or sleep? Please leave a comment or send an email: questions@thesleepcoachschool.com I will be happy to share my thoughts as a video reply in an Ask Daniel episode. If you want to connect elsewhere I’m on Twitter @ErichsenDaniel, Instagram @Erichsen.Daniel, Facebook as Daniel Erichsen. Here are some playlists that I hope you’ll find helpful. Core curriculum - a collection of the most important insights, a great place to start. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Success stories - if you need hope and inspiration, this is for you. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Insomnia insight - a list of every single episode. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Talking insomnia - guests with trouble sleeping or experts share their stories / tips. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Hypnic jerks, sudden awareness of falling asleep and other common issues. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Fatal insomnia - for those concerned about ffi and sfi. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Best! This content does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or other qualified healthcare providers.

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Live Friday CME Sessions: 2020 Lehman Lecture - "Geriatrics & Medicare: A Frail Tale of Low Value Care"

Play Episode Listen Later Apr 17, 2020 68:14

In this podcast, Dr. Nicholas Schneeman, a family medicine physician specializing in geriatrics, and chief medical officer for LifeSprk, presented at Ridgeview Medical Center's Live Friday CME Series - Annual Dr. Lehmann Lecture Series, on February 14, 2020. At this annual event, Dr. Schneeman talked about value based care for the elderly, as well as moving away from the confusing, unfruitful and sometimes dangerous fee for service model we are currently practicing. Enjoy the podcast! OBJECTIVES: Upon completion of this podcast, participants should be able to: Describe current demographic trends in U.S. Medicare populations. Identify financial drivers under Medicare in clinics, hospitals, and skilled nursing facilities. Recognize patient profiles at risk for low value care. Describe past and current attempts to solve for low value care. CLICK ON THE FOLLOWING LINK FOR YOUR CME CREDIT: CME Evaluation: "2020 Lehmann Lecture Series: Geriatrics & Medicare - A Frail Tale of Low Value Care" Note: CME credit is only offered to Ridgeview Providers for this podcast activity. Complete and submit the online evaluation form, after viewing the activity. Upon successful completion of the evaluation, you will be e-mailed a certificate of completion within 2 weeks. You may contact the accredited provider with questions regarding this program at rmccredentialing@ridgeviewmedical.org. (**If you are listening to the podcasts through iTunes on your laptop or desktop, it is not possible to link directly with the CME Evaluation for unclear reasons. We are trying to remedy this. You can, however, link to the survey through the Podcasts app on your Apple and other smart devices, as well as through Spotify, Stitcher and other podcast directory apps and on your computer browser at these websites. We apologize for the inconvenience.) The information provided through this and all Ridgeview podcasts as well as any and all accompanying files, images, videos and documents is/are for CME/CE and other institutional learning and communication purposes only and is/are not meant to substitute for the independent medical judgment of a physician, healthcare provider or other healthcare personnel relative to diagnostic and treatment options of a specific patient's medical condition. FACULTY DISCLOSURE ANNOUNCEMENT It is our intent that any potential conflict should be identified openly so that the listeners may form their own judgments about the presentation with the full disclosure of the facts. It is not assumed any potential conflicts will have an adverse impact on these presentations. It remains for the audience to determine whether the speaker’s outside interest may reflect a possible bias, either the exposition or the conclusions presented. Planning committee members and presenter(s) have disclosed they have no significant financial relationship with a pharmaceutical company and have disclosed that no conflict of interest exists with the presentation/educational event. SHOW NOTES: INTRODUCTION: Dr. Nick Schneeman is a family medicine physician who specializes in geriatric medicine, and has a keen interest and expertise in value based care for the elderly, as well as moving away from the confusing, unfruitful and sometimes dangerous fee for service model we are currently practicing in. Dr. Schneeman is currently the chief medical officer of LIfesprk, and had over 30 years of clinical experience caring for this very special patient population. He joined us on February 14, 2020, for the annual Dr. Jim Lehmann lecture covering a variety of geriatric topics. Dr. Lehmann served his patients for many decades. Joining him and others in the audience today was the Spanus Family who helped fund this endeavor. Do sit back and enjoy the program. It is sure to make you think about how you fit into this complicated dilemma, but more importantly, how you can be part of the solution. PART 1: The way in which to fix the geriatrics dilemma is to understand the quality and cost factors on a very deep level. We will have 1 billion elderly patients in the world in the next several years. In the 1930s, only 3 to 5 % of the population was seniors, now we are at 20+%. To further complicate this statistic, senior citizens age 85 and older have a significant cognitive impairment rate of 50%. In the U.S., Medicare is the single payer system for our senior citizens. There are segments inside of Medicare where the costs are exorbitant, including the last 2-years of life where they go up 6-to-7 times what they were up to that point. Put another way, half of an individual's Medicare budget is spent in the last 6 months of life. Much of these costs unfortunately are very wasteful. Medicare is not sustainable in its current form; and it is going to continue to threaten our national economy. PART 2: Edith is 86 years old and lives in her own home by herself. She has a doctor who she loves. Mild ailments have ensued and she no longer drives. Her son and daughter check in periodically and neighbors lend a hand at times. Dr. John Goodparent and his partner Dr. Rachel Cakeandeatit are partner physicians who take care of Edith. They are a different kind of physician than the physicians of old, though, mostly working for large health systems with maximally loaded schedules. In addition, they are working either in the clinic or hospital, and no longer both. Lately, Edith's daughter, Connie, has concerns and has been calling Dr. Goodparent. So, he sees her in the clinic and determines she has had some chronic cerebral ischemic changes, so refers her to a neurologist who performs a battery of tests with no resolution. Sinemet is tried for what is felt to be some Parkinson's issues. Connie comes to the house and finds her in a bit of disarray. She takes her to see Dr. Cakeandeatit who determines she's depressed, so givers her a sample of an SSRI. Her UA is dirty although no symptoms of UTI, but antibiotics are started nonetheless. Connie takes time with her at home. Edith improves a bit. Up until now, her care has been paid for my Medicare financial driver domain clinic. Physician incentives are pretty bad in this model. No value in the extra phone calls, etc., and you can't crank this kind of patient through the clinic in a 10-minute appointment slot. Not to mention having to juggle and address all the calls from Connie and other concerned parties. Connie leaves town for a bit, and about a week later, Edith's son visits and sees her in a disheveled state. Now she's brought to the ER and meets Dr. Saverlife. Weakness and low grade fever are noted. Parkinson's history is acknowledged, with Lexapro and Sinemet on board, as well as a bunch of other new medications in the past several weeks to months. Final ER diagnosis is recurrent UTI and mild CHF. So a little more diuretic and now a fluoroquinolone are added. Well, a short while later when a neighbor finds that she now has stacked newspapers on her front porch and Edith is found to be stool-stained and stuck between the wall and her toilet. 10-days in the hospital ensue, with a new diagnosis of C diff colitis. She is in A-fib with RVR. Multiple consultations happen. Abd CT and colonoscopy are performed due to a Hgb drop. SNF is recommended but the patient and family refuse. So its back to home again; her medications are tweaked to now include a PPR and Seroquel. This current care is driven by domain hospital, and the hospital is paid a value-driven lump sum of money called a DRG. Administratively, we are pushed to get patients through the hospital and turn beds over. As providers, we are incentivized by part B, which is volume driven. See more patients and get paid more. Quality is not as rewarded. Edith now falls down at home, has a hip fracture. Ativan is given, and more Seroquel due to increased delirium. IV fluids are given throughout her care. She's discharged now to a SNF. The 10-day old H and P is noted and her d/c orders, but there is no d/c summary yet from this hospitalization. Due to the hyperregulated state of SNFs, a lot of documentation must take place, orders, Q/A parameters, etc. The nurse calls the on-call doctor who has no prior knowledge of this patient. This care is paid under Medicare nursing home domain, which is a split system. The SNF gets a daily rate based on how much therapy the patient needs. Just recently this has transitioned to payment based on the patient's diagnoses. While we should be incentivized to help manage the patient under this system, we ae still driven by fee for service and volume on Medicare part B, meaning uncompensated calls and no resource management incentives either. Edith doesn't really participate in rehab, demonstrates increased confusion and another urine is checked off the foley. Because it looks infected, she is restarted on Levaquin and an increase in Seroquel is also ordered. Big surprise here she continues to deteriorate, leading her down any number of etiology pathways for her further decompensated state. Edith is now back in the ED. And has entered the revolving door of rescue, rehab and relapse. Unfortunately, quality of care in this paradigm is suspect as best. It becomes a bit of a crap shoot, and there's little respect for consideration of patient autonomy. We've all experienced this, right? How do you have a meaningful "goals of care" conversation with patients and family when they're figuratively "stuck in the mud" of dilapidated care. There's obviously significant difficulty in obtaining informed consent. Drug cascading is highly prevalent. And as Dr. Schneeman eloquently illustrates for us, this is a complex issue made more complex by polypharmacy, limited time with our patients who are elderly with multiple comorbidities and multiple silos of care weighing in to crate a low quality, hyper expensive healthcare delivery model. PART 3: How has the healthcare industry responded? We've done a lot of work-arounds. Care coordination being one big "fix"! This notion started in the 1990s. CMS has funded a number of trials looking at the topic of Care Coordination. Many different strategies exist, but nothing has worked. In 2011, there was an initiative from private industry to fi healthcare for example. Dr. Jeff Brenner attempted to find a way in which we can use date to coordinate care for the 3-to-5% of hyper expensive patients within the Camden Coalition. But unfortunately this endeavor yielded no results. They couldn't fix things, per a recent follow-up article in the NEJM. There was a further attempt to tease out what could be of value in the 15 studies looking at care coordination. 1. Comprehensive d/c planning; 2. Timely communication of information; 3. medication reconciliation; 4. patient caregiver education with teachback; 5. open communication b/w providers; 6. prompt f/u visits with a provider. As Dr. Schneeman points out, medication reconciliation does not really improve risk benefit discussion and the truth is many of the drugs our senior patients take are in fact problematic and dangerous most of the time as well. It does not teach us how to unwind the drug list. Big pharma has had a heavy hand in how these drugs have been used over the years, including off label use. The intermittent confusion our senior patients have is not due to asymptomatic bacteriuria. C-diff colitis in a fail old person is potentially life-threatening, not to mention the other adverse effects brought on by antibiotics given for this reason. Patient education with teach back doesn't really teach us anything. Open communication about cancer screening with limited life expectancy does not validate the notion of open communication. Prompt follow-up does not address the fact that blood pressure medications are not getting deescalated, nor the fact that the marginally functioning demented patients will still have an unavoidable and predictable decline regardless of what we do. Finally, per Dr. Schneeman, comprehensive discharge planning does not address the lack of science to help guide us in treating our patients with the comorbidity of progressive dementia. These very patients are in fact excluded from the trials that originally brought these drugs to market! So what's going on here? Well, we're part of the problem as clinicians, for one. Secondly, we're living in a country where being multimorbid and elderly is not a good thing when it comes to quality of health care. On a positive note, we have an opportunity to be part of the cure. In other words, we have the opportunity to begin thinking and acting on the real cost of the care we're providing, as though we are paying for every penny of it. The selling-off of primary care clinics has been an issue for physicians and has taken them out of the discussion of the bottom line. There is poor accountability for cost and quality, due to lack of peer review within our silos let alone across silos. Compensation is not equated to value, and unfortunately there are still some unscrupulous techniques from industry to try and inform our practice. We're also taught in a way that doesn't fit with the Edith's of the world nowadays. The "chief complaint" from Edith is a syndrome and not a single complaint. We can all relate to this. Medicare Advantage is a platform that allows physicians to get paid based on quality of care. Dual eligible programs are also out there. As well as new payment options on the horizon, such as the Independence at Home demonstration project. Basically compensation for providing complex, in-home care. Medication delivery devices, sensors and other tech that is out there to help us provide more care is proliferating. New brick an mortars are also popping up and are attaching Medicare Advantage to the underserved elderly communities. And then of course, there are more and more Dr. Schneemann's out there who want to provide complex, in-home care. So what can we do? 1. Accept that we participate in low value care; 2. Subspecialty care needs to be just that, and no longer the primary care providers for these elderly patients. Ultimately the core solution is team base, flat hierarchy and a cultural shift to one of accountability across silos, thus creating a safety net for our patients. The physicians are the ones who need to take this bull by the horn, and not rely on guidelines solely. We are in the trenches and must be negotiating the trajectory of care. Getting involved in a value based care and compensation model is imperative. It can be a double-edged sword though. We need to provide the appropriate care when it's warranted, but also not withhold care to save or make more money. The onus falls on us to e the experts and to rebuild the current construct. Let's stop merely ordering a bunch of stuff and begin to have those conversations with patients and families to understand and clarify goals and realistic outcomes before committing to multiple diagnostic tests and polypharmacy. This is made difficult in patients with cognative impairment, but it can be done! PART 4: Well, it's a happy ending after all. Edith survives her last hospitalization. And as it turns out there is a geriatric specialist working for a geriatric center of excellence, who takes over her care. She is able to access her care and chart 24/7. Medications are deescalated, and the fog is lifting. Edith is now participating in therapy. While a moderate fall risk exists, she is more independent and now using a walker, and she gets Meals-On-Wheels. Edith is now teed up to move into an assisted living facility. In addition, she has advanced care planning with a team trained to do this. A POLST form is completed and while Edith and her family can consider 911/ER visits, she is DNR/DNI with a tilt toward hospice care in the setting of a major health complication or event. Home based care is the new focus and guess what...people working for Edith actually love their jobs. Geriatric centers of excellence can be virtual; and they are made up of compassionate people providing personalize care that is also profitable. That's a lot of "P's". Questions from the audience were addressed by Dr. Schneeman as follows: How do we help patient and families make those decisions and changes in care plans. Well, its never easy to make that kind of decision during an emergency. But it is made easier by having a long-term patient relationship in this desirable model, something that spans over months to years, where the home based care team is at the forefront of the patient's care experience. They will help patients and families make realistic decisions and will obviate the option of "let's give it one more try!", suggested by the well meaning son who's visiting from California and hasn't been home in a couple years. In regards to "how do we fix this?", the new payment and reimbursement programs can and will. Essentially making geriatric care a subspecialty level compensation model. New practitioners and nurses are hungry for vocation and meaning in their work. Bottom line though is that fee for service for this demographic is not sustainable. Are there local geriatric centers of excellence presently? Not yet, but the pendulum is swinging. Recruiting and employing physicians, nurses, APPs, and others who want longitudinal relationships with patients, and who have the personality and passion for this vocation will help to create such centers. It will be both exciting and game changing. Thanks so much to Dr. Schneeman for his time and expertise on this topic, and to all who care for this special population of patients in our community.

Talking Insomnia #21: Logan Didn't Sleep for 6 Days and was put on Seroquel

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Play Episode Listen Later Apr 11, 2020 46:56

In this episode we talk to a viewer who for no particular reason had 6 consecutive sleepless nights that ended up in a hospital admission. Why did that happen? And how can Logan get to a place of sleeping well? Do you have trouble sleeping? Can’t sleep? Have questions about insomnia or sleep? Please leave a comment or send me an email at daniel@insomniainsight.co and I will be happy to share my thoughts as a video or audio reply. If you want to connect elsewhere I’m on Twitter @ErichsenDaniel, Instagram @Erichsen.Daniel, Facebook as Daniel Erichsen. I have a blog at bedtyme.co. Here are some playlists that I hope you’ll find helpful. Core curriculum - a collection of the most important insights, a great place to start. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Success stories - if you need hope and inspiration, this is for you. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Insomnia insight - a list of every single episode. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Talking insomnia - guests with insomnia or experts share their stories / tips. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Hypnic jerks, sudden awareness of falling asleep and other common issues. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Fatal insomnia - for those concerned about ffi and sfi. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list... Best! This content does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should never replace any advice given to you by your physician or other qualified healthcare providers.

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Real Talk With Guru...

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 24, 2020 99:26

DAY ONE STUCK IN THE HOUSE... THIS IS A CRAZY EPISODE YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS. T LUV IS IN THE BUILDING. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/deleisa-mcbride/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/deleisa-mcbride/support

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Jim Gottstein: The Zyprexa Papers - How Big Pharma hid the harm its medication was causing people

Medical Error Interviews

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 16, 2020 61:44

Big pharmaceutical company Eli Lily was hiding the truth about the harms caused by their antipsychotic medication called Zyprexa -- until lawyer Jim Gottstein got a hold of the evidence and shared it with the New York Times. You will not be surprised to hear that Eli Lily’s lawyers went after Jim hard with criminal charges to destroy his career, his livelihood and his freedom. In my interview with Jim about his personal experience with the mental health system, and his legal career focused on mental health, I ask him why he’s exposing big pharma deceit now in his new book The Zyprexa Papers. Jim also tells about his personal experience with psychosis when he was over worked and under slept, and woke suddenly one night and thought he was being chased by the devil. Jim threw himself out a 2nd story window to escape. Fortunately, Jim is also skydiver, and knew how to roll his landing without injury. But it was Jim’s lived experience in the mental health system that prepared him for legal battles representing clients about mental health issues. Jim’s lived experience with the mental health system is priceless, adds value to a good legal defense, and cannot be taught in law school. Jim also tells the story of how he became the lawyer to expose Eli Lily’s lies about the safety of their Zyprexa medication and the impact that had on his life and career. Jim became a leader in the psychiatric survivor community, founding patient organizations including PsychRights.org - and providing his legal services pro bono to clients who didn’t want to be forced to take medications. In The Zyprexa Papers, Jim gives a riveting first-hand account of what really happened, including new details about how a small group of psychiatric survivors spread the Zyprexa Papers on the Internet untraceably. All of this within a gripping, plain-language explanation of complex legal maneuvering and his battles on behalf of Bill Bigley, the psychiatric patient whose ordeal made possible the exposure of the Zyprexa Papers. The Zyprexa Papers included hundreds of internal Eli Lilly documents and emails that showed company officials knew their best-selling drug was severely harming people while scarcely helping anyone. Release of the papers exposed the abuses of the drug industry besides the harm that Zyprexa was doing. The series of front page stories in "The New York Times" could have saved tens of thousands of lives according to Jim's estimate. The public benefits greatly from Jim’s efforts, not only because of the life-saving information he released, but also because he’s a courageous model for other people to follow in exposing the predatory practices in the pharmaceutical industry. SHOW NOTES: 0:06:00 Jim was born in Anchorage Alaska in 1953 - it was a nice place to grow up - he was a pretty normal boy, he got to play little league, walk around town, ride bikes - when Jim was born Anchorage only had about 25,000 people, but now it is close to 400,000 0:07:00 Jim went to the University of Oregon to study business and to get a degree in finance, but one of the required courses was business law, and he didn't miss a question the entire term - he thought it may be a bette fit for him, so he took advanced business law and then decided to go to law school 0:08:00 Jim didn't do well enought in high school to get into any 'good' schools, and wanted to keep his options open by doing well in college - his 1st term was okay with a lot of Bs - Jim decided he had too much free time so increased his number of courses - the next term he got all As with one B 0:09:00 By over loading his courses, he graduated in 3 years - in his last term he needed 10 hours of anything to graduate, so he took 10 hours of teaching sky diving 0:10:00 Jim got his pilot's license when he was 17 - and then went to Harvard for law school 0:11:00 Jim's mom got him a job for lawyer Bob Goldberg, son of Justice Arthur Goldberg who was on the US Supreme Court - Bob had to move to Alaska to escape his father's shadow - Bob represented some of the Native groups 0:12:00 After a few years, Jim opened his own law practice and also decided to run for the State Senate, had traveled to Europe and Israel so was jet lagged and not getting enough sleep and Jim had a psychotic break - Jim had gone to his father's place to sleep but woke at 1am and thought the devil was coming for him - he was on the 2nd floor of the house and looked out the window 0:13:00 Jim thought he could jump far enough to miss the pavement and land on the grass - he jumped out the window and did a rolling landing parachute jump and ran across the street to the school parking lot but thought the devil was still chasing so kept looking over his shoulder - he was put in a straight jacket and hauled off to the Alasks Psychiatric Institute and they pumped him full of something that put him to sleep 0:14:00 Jim has always counted on his mind to accomplish what he set out to do and what was going on - so it was a shock that his mind could become completely unreliable - JIm remembers waking in the hospital and the male nurse asking Jim what day it was 0:15:00 Jim asked how long he'd been asleep - so the nurse noted that Jim wasn't oriented to time - so that was the start of the Alice in Wonderland experience of being in a psychiatric hospital - Jim was given Melaril , he told them he didn't want the psych med thorazine - thorazine was the first of the neuropleptic drugs for people with schizophrenia - it blocks about 80% of the dopamine, so they are basically chemical lobotomies 0:16:00 Jim knew he didn't want to have a 'committed involuntarily' label, so he signed himself in for treatment, but it was hardly voluntary - Jim's fiancee said he was still campaigning in the psych ward, handing out baseball caps, so Jim was pretty out of it - but was doing better and released after 30 days - Jim's not sure the medication did much for him 0:17:00 Jim's father connected Jim with a psychiatrist in New Rochelle, New York and he diagnosed Jim with biploar disorder - but the psych hospital had diagnosed him with atypical psychosis - Jim didn't find that psychiatrist very helpful - then Jim's mother connected him with another psychiatrist, Robert Alberts, who had been a Japanese prisoner of war - Jim says Robert was a wonderful person and told Jim that any one who misses enough sleep will become psychotic - and that Jim needed to manage that - Jim credits Robert with saving Jim from being made permanently mentally health by the mental health system because Jim had that he would never practice law again 0:18:00 When he told hospital staff he'd gone to Harvard law school, that confirmed to them Jim was delusional - Jim didn't accept their conclusion he'd never be able to practice law again, they'd call it 'denial' - Jim says 'denial' of being mental ill is one of the most positive things you can do - because the message of the mental health system is 'abandon all hope ye who enter here' 0:19:00 When in the hospital, they wanted to put Jim on lithium - he said he was a pilot and he couldn't fly if he was taking lithium, but they didn't care about that - so they creatine clearance test to his kidney function because lithium is hard on the liver and Jim's known a number of people killed by lithium - to do the test, they needed a kidnay biopsy, but the doctor couldn't find Jim's kidney's to do the test 0:20:00 Jim finds that work pressure with deadlines - and the habit is to always make the document better and file at the last minute - so Jim tries to file the day before so he doesn't have that sleep problem 0:21:00 Jim knows that if he's not getting enough sleep he can get into trouble, he knows the signs - the first sign is that Jim gets more witty with rejoinders, but nobogy notices except himself - then he'll have 'thought blocking' when he just stops for a few seconds when he's talking (his thoughts are blocked) - the next stage is that Jim thinks people are looking at him funny - he deals with that by telling himself that he's probably not acting funny 0:22:00 Then he'll also try to look at himself from 'above' to see if he's doing anything weird - at that point Jim may take a benzodiazipine (Halcyon) - just to break the cycle and get a nights sleep - it usually only takes 1 pill and then it'll be a year before he needs it again - benzos are highly addictive so its important not to take them daily 0:23:00 The FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) said Jim couldn't fly for 2 days after taking a benzo 0:24:00 Jim got involved in the legal side of mental health simultaneiously with his own psychotic break - in 1956 Congress enacted the Alaska Mental Health Enabling Act and gave a bunch of land for that purpose - later another Act redisgated that land for the state and said they'd maybe pay for it 0:25:00 Jim's mother was head of the Alaska Mental Health at the time and went to Congress and said you can't take this land, that's not legal - they said we don't care - so they sued them and won a billion dollar settlement 0:26:00 Jim found a couple of mental health 'consumer' groups - he was also on the Board of the Alaska Mental Health - then in 2002, Jim read Mad in America, Bad Science, Bad Medicine and the Enduring Mistreatment of the Mentally Ill by Robert Whittaker - to Jim it was a raodmap to challenging forced psychiatric drugging - JIm founded the Law Project for Psychiatric Rights (PsychRights.org) - and it challenged that and shock therapy 0:27:00 PsychRights also educates the public about these medications and shock therapy and their risks - Jim says we shouldn't call ECT (electro convulsive therapy) 'therapy' because it is not 0:28:00 The shock machines were invented in the 50s and have been modified since then - but before the FDA was responsible for regulating medical devices - but they didn't do that for 20 - 30 years - then in the last year they basically said that shock treatment is not harmful and we're not going to regulate them - Jim's says that is outrageous 0:29:00 Just shows how people in psychiatry just don't think - they're running electricity through the brain to cause a grand mal seizure, where neurologists do everything they can to prevent grand mal seizures - the convulsions were so intense people would break bones, bite through their tongue - now they anaesthetize them, but that requires more electricity to cause the convulsion 0:30:00 Dr Peter Breggin has written great psychiatry books - and he says electro shock is really a closed head injury - some people when they get a head injury, become euphoric for a while - but people have horrendous memory loss they don't get back - Jim thinks electro shock should be banned - its barbaric 0:31:00 A court in Conneticut has ordered a woman to be shocked against her will 500 times - that's the thing about psychiatry, 'if something doesn't work, do more of it' - 0:32:00 In November 2006 Jim received a call an expert witness in a massive lawsuit over side effects from the psych med Zyprexa - like diabetes and other metabolic problmes Eli Lily had not owned up to - he said he had documents showing Eli Lily knew from the beginning, hid it from the doctors and they were illegally marketing it to children and the elderly - but he was under a secrecy order - however if he was subpoanaed in another case - he wanted to know if Jim would do that - there's more to the story and that's what is book The Zyprexa Papers is about the New York Times published some articles 0:33:00 The expert witness had also been working with a writer from the New York Times, Alex Berenson - the expert witness gave the documents to Jim - there were a series of front page stories in the NYT and then Eli Lily came after Jim with criminal charges and to the Alaska Bar Association to try to get Jim disbarred 0:34:00 Zyprexa is a 2nd generation neuroleptic medication, also called antipsychotic, but that's just a marketing term - 'neuroleptic' means 'seize the brain' and that is what they do - in the 90s they started atypical neuroleptics which supposedly didn't have negative effects like tardive dyskinesia (results in involuntary, repetitive body movements, which may include grimacing, sticking out the tongue, or smacking the lips) - basically drug induced Parkinson's Disease 0:35:00 It blocks 70 - 90% of dopamine in the basal ganglia, same thing with Parkinson's patients - licking their lips, strange movements - and doctors interpret that in Zyprexa patients as mental illness, not as negative effects of Zyprexa - Eli Lily said this new generation of atypical meds didn't have tardive dyskenesia and that was a lie - another negative effect was neuroliptic malignant syndrome and it is often fatal, and Eli Lily lied about that too 0:36:00 Risperdal causes little boys to grow breasts, called gynecomastia - Seroquel causes problems, like elongates the heart rhythm and that can cause death - they are putting Veterans on Seroquel and another medication and they are dying in their sleep from this drug cocktail - they were prescribed originally for schizophrenia and the manic phase of bipolar disorder - cut in the US a doctor can prescribe any drug for any thing 0:37:00 Pharmaceuticals can only market a drug for a specific illness, but they do it anyway through various guises and artifices, like ghost writing articles, basically huge fraud perpetrated on the public - Dr David Eagleman was the expert witness and had these documents proving Eli Lily's lies and thought the public should know, but he was under a secrecy order 0:38:00 Dr Eagleman was looking for someone to subpeona him and Jim had just won a case for Faith Myers where they wanted to force her to take Zyprexa - Jim had a great witness, Dr Grace Jackson, and she analyzed the papers on which Zyprexa was given approval by the FDA, and she could see it caused diabetes just from that - but not just diabetes 0:39:00 People would gain a 100 pounds in a year - Dr Jackson found the studies were fraudulent - because the meds block dopamine, the first thing the brain does is try to pump out more dopamine - then after a few weeks it grows more dopamine receptors 0:40:00 So abrupt withdrawal causes some people to experience psychosis - but the doctor will say 'see what happens when you're not on medication' - but some people did quite well with the sudden withdrawal, but those people were thrown out of the study 0:41:00 About 2/3 of people in the study dropped out because of the negative effects - so Dr Jackson put all this in a report 0:42:00 Jim shared the documents with the NYT in 2006 and found someone to put them on the internet 0:43:00 Then a group called Psychiatric Survivors got involved - another group Mind Freedom.org with David Oakes, and they also helped get it out - Jim says it was amazing how Eli Lily could whip up Federal Judges to issues orders against Jim without him even being given notice 0:44:00 Psychiatric survivor Eric Weiland had posted them on his website and Eli Lily harassed and threatened him so he took them down - Pat Riser passed away a few years ago probably a result of psych drugging, he wrote the Eli Lilly and said 'geez, I saw these in the NYT and downloaded them and made a few CDs of them and sent them to newspapers and family and friends and went to... 0:45:00 ...handed them out in a shopping plaza parking lot - I didn't know they were illegal and sorry, I'm not going to be able to get them all back' - that's one of Jim's favorite vignettes - but Eli Lily had endless money to fight Jim 0:46:00 Jim testified and the judge ruled Jim conspired to steal the documents and a 'criminal act' and that set up Jim for criminal contempt charges 0:47:00 One of the clients in the case had a Gaurdian, and it was only the Gaurdian who could sign release papers so Jim could look at the client's medical records 0:48:00 Jim did get the medical records and the client had been drugged with Zyuprexa against his will - he was held down and injected with it 0:49:00 Eli Lily had portrayed themselves as the 'victim' in the lawsuit, so going after Jim, and the ensuing publicity, would've make Eli Lily look bad - they could have crushed Jim financially - so it was scary because the consequences could have been severe, including jail time 0:50:00 Zyprexa is still available and still forced - about 3 years ago Jim had financial troubles and had to give up most of the pro bono Pysch Rights work he'd been doing for 14 years and boost his law practice 0:51:00 After a year he had some clients but not a lot, so used his time to write the book - Jim would like the public to be aware because he thinks they'll be shocked by Jim's representation of Bill Bickley and to stop him from being drugged against his will 0:52:00 Jim represented him for 4 years, 10 trials and 5 trips to the Alaska Supreme Court - one of those decisions was an important precedent 0:53:00 Jim's says people are really taken with the 2 chapters on his defence of Bill Bickley and how the system is set up against patients, it is basically a kangaroo court - Bill's wife had divorced him and took custody of the 2 kids and sued him for child support which he couldn't afford - he had a good job as a heavy equipment operator and had a nervous breakdown - so Jim tries to convey how people's lives are ruined by what psychiatry does to them 0:54:00 In 2007, Dr Jackson testified that if Bill was continued to be drugged, he'd be dead within 5 years, and she was off by 6 months - Bill's Gaurdian didn't want Jim representing Bill, because they wanted him drugged - Jim won about half the cases for Bill - the Gaurdian told Jim that Bill didn't want Jim to represent him anymore, and Jim said that he'd never heard Bill say that 0:55:00 The judge asked Bill if he wanted Jim to represent him, and Bill said 'Jim knows a lot about me. And I'm the president." - the Gaurdian changed their tune after that, and said that Bill was not competent to make the decision - while Jim won half of Bill'ls cases, the Public Defendor who lost all but one of the cases - but the Alaska Supreme Court decided that Bill could not choose Jim as his lawyer, and that is a very frightening thing - so they got to drug him without constraint and he died within a couple of years 0:56:00 Jim pointed out to the Gaurdian that these drugs shorten lives, and the Gaurdian argued that quality of life is important - but they didn't care what Bill thought of his quality of life, and it was better without the drugs 0:57:00 One of the reasons Jim wrote the Zyprexa Papers is to bring people's attention - it is available on Amazon in Kindle or paperback 0:58:00 To connect with Jim, go to PsychRights.org and email him through that site 0:59:00 Jim talks to people all the time who had no idea this was going on - 'you can learn from your mistakes, but its better to learn from other people's mistakes' - hopefully he can prevent other people from having this sort of terrible thing happen to them Twitter: https://twitter.com/jimgottstein Connect with Jim Gottstein on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jim.gottstein http://psychrights.org/http://gottsteinlaw.com/Author of The Zyprexa Papershttps://www.amazon.com/dp/B0838YYYWV Be a podcast patron Support Medical Error Interviews on Patreon by becoming a Patron for $2 / month for audio versions. Premium Patrons get access to video versions of podcasts for $5 / month. Be my Guest I am always looking for guests to share their medical error experiences so we help bring awareness and make patients safer. If you are a survivor, a victim’s surviving family member, a health care worker, advocate, researcher or policy maker and you would like to share your experiences, please send me an email with a brief description: RemediesPodcast@gmail.com Need a Counsellor? Like me, many of my clients at Remedies Counseling have experienced the often devastating effects of medical error. If you need a counsellor for your experience with medical error, or living with a chronic illness(es), I offer online video counseling appointments. **For my health and life balance, I limit my number of counseling clients.** Email me to learn more or book an appointment: RemediesOnlineCounseling@gmail.com Scott Simpson: Counsellor + Patient Advocate + (former) Triathlete I am a counsellor, patient advocate, and - before I became sick and disabled - a passionate triathlete. Work hard. Train hard. Rest hard. I have been living with HIV since 1998. I was the first person living with HIV to compete at the triathlon world championships. Thanks to research and access to medications, HIV is not a problem in my life. I have been living with ME (myalgic encephalomyelitis) since 2012, and thanks in part to medical error, it is a big problem in my life. Counseling / Research I first became aware of the ubiquitousness of medical error during a decade of community based research working with the HIV Prevention Lab at Ryerson University, where I co-authored two research papers on a counseling intervention for people living with HIV, here and here. Patient participants would often report varying degrees of medical neglect, error and harms as part of their counseling sessions. Patient Advocacy I am co-founder of the ME patient advocacy non-profit Millions Missing Canada, and on the Executive Committee of the Interdisciplinary Canadian Collaborative Myalgic Encephalomyelitis Research Network. I am also a patient advisor for Health Quality Ontario’s Patient and Family Advisory Council, and member of Patients for Patient Safety Canada. Medical Error Interviews podcast and vidcast emerged to give voice to victims, witnesses and participants in this hidden epidemic so we can create change toward a safer health care system. My golden retriever Gladys is a constant source of love and joy. I hope to be well enough again one day to race triathlons again. Or even shovel the snow off the sidewalk.

Seroquel (part 2) - Jai Alai IPA

Opinions and Beer

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 13, 2020 15:44

Today I review Jai Alai IPA, and then we go into a quick exert of our Audio Drama , Seroquel , if you like stories, brews, audio books, beer, and podcasts, you'll love this! lol. Be Sure to follow Opinions and Beer on Twitter, Facebook Group, Instagram, TikTok, Storybot Ai, and everywhere in the world... thank you! Enjoy!

Seroquel (part 1) - Audio Drama - Neighbor of the Beast IPA

Opinions and Beer

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 5, 2020 20:08

Its Story Time on Opinions and Beer, Join me, as we do part 1 of an Audio Drama called " Seroquel " as Adam Reviews Neighbor of the Beast, this will be a once in a blue moon type of deal, so let us know what you think by joining us on our Facebook Group at Opinions and Beer Share with us your beer photos, what you think of the show, and whatever you think we should do next! We do it all on Opinions and Beer the best beer podcast ... best Craft Beer podcast EVER!!! #podcast #craftbeer #audiodrama #audiobook #fun #scary #spooky #beer

beast beer neighbor craft beer audio drama seroquel

327 Antidepressants and Mass Shootings Pt. 2

Richard Syrett's Strange Planet

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 20, 2019 34:02

EPISODE #327 Anti-Depressants and Mass Shootings Pt. 2 Richard welcomes an expert in serotonergic medications to talk about the possible violent side effects of anti-depressant medications. GUEST: Dr. Ann Blake Tracy is the director of the International Coalition for Drug Awareness. She has specialized for 22 years in adverse reactions to serotonergic medications (Antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, Effexor, Celexa, Lexapro, Cymbalta, Pristiq, Serzone, Anafranil, etc. and the diet pills Fen-Phen, and Redux and the newer Atypical Anti-psychotic medications such as Zyprexa, Geodon, Abilify, Risperdal, Seroquel, etc.) and has testified before the FDA and congressional subcommittee members on Prozac. She has testified since 1992 as an expert witness in Prozac and other SSRI related court cases around the world. Her first book on the issue was published in 1991. During the last twenty years she has participated in innumerable radio, television, newspaper and magazine interviews on this subject. She is the author of Prozac: Panacea or Pandora? PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS!! C60EVO.COMThe Secret is out about this powerful anti-oxidant. The Purest C60 available is ESS60. Buy Direct from the SourceUse the Code RS1SPEC for special discount. Ancient Life Oil Organic, Non GMO CBD Oil. Big Relief in a Little Bottle! The Ferrari of CBD products. Strange Planet's Fullscript Dispensary - an online service offering hundreds of professional supplement brands, personal care items, essential oils, pet care products and much more. Nature Grade, Science Made! Life Change and Formula 13 Teas All Organic, No Caffeine, Non GMO! More Energy! Order now, use the code 'unlimited' and your first purchase ships for free.

325 Anti-Depressants and Mass Shootings Pt. 1

Richard Syrett's Strange Planet

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 17, 2019 51:10

EPISODE #325 Anti-Depressants and Mass Shootings Richard welcomes an expert in serotonergic medications to talk about the possible violent side effects of anti-depressant medications. GUEST: Dr. Ann Blake Tracy is the director of the International Coalition for Drug Awareness. She has specialized for 22 years in adverse reactions to serotonergic medications (Antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, Effexor, Celexa, Lexapro, Cymbalta, Pristiq, Serzone, Anafranil, etc. and the diet pills Fen-Phen, and Redux and the newer Atypical Anti-psychotic medications such as Zyprexa, Geodon, Abilify, Risperdal, Seroquel, etc.) and has testified before the FDA and congressional subcommittee members on Prozac. She has testified since 1992 as an expert witness in Prozac and other SSRI related court cases around the world. Her first book on the issue was published in 1991. During the last twenty years she has participated in innumerable radio, television, newspaper and magazine interviews on this subject. She is the author of Prozac: Panacea or Pandora? WEBSITES: PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS!! Ancient Life Oil Organic, Non GMO CBD Oil. Big Relief in a Little Bottle! The Ferrari of CBD products. C60EVO.COM The Secret is out about this powerful anti-oxidant. The Purest C60 available is ESS60. Buy Direct from the SourceUse the Code RS1SPEC for special discount. Strange Planet's Fullscript Dispensary - an online service offering hundreds of professional supplement brands, personal care items, essential oils, pet care products and much more. Nature Grade, Science Made! Life Change and Formula 13 Teas All Organic, No Caffeine, Non GMO! More Energy! Order now, use the code 'unlimited' and your first purchase ships for free.

Older–age bipolar disorder with Dr. Martha Sajatovic

MDedge Psychcast

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 4, 2019 15:01

Martha Sajatovic, MD, conducts a Masterclass lecture on older-age bipolar disorder from the Psychopharmacology Update in Cincinnati. The meeting was sponsored by Global Academy for Medical Education and Current Psychiatry. Dr. Sajatovic is professor of psychiatry and of neurology at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. She also directs the Neurological and Behavioral Outcomes Research Center at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center. * * * Help us make this podcast better! Please take this short listener survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/podcastsurveyOct2019 * * * Conceptualizing OABD Older–age bipolar disorder (OABD), defined as a person aged 60 years or older with bipolar disorder, makes up one-quarter of bipolar patients. It is a heterogeneous population that includes early- and late-onset disease. Late onset is diagnosed when a person has a manic or hypomanic episode at or after the age of 50 years. Bipolar depression in later life has long been seen as a “special population,” and the treatment has been extrapolated from larger clinical trials of younger patients. Late–onset bipolar disorder usually has attenuated manic episodes and depressive episodes are prolonged and severe. In OABD, the patients are more likely to have multiple morbidities, which makes medication management more complex. People with bipolar disorder lose 1-2 decades of life, compared with the general population. No medications are specifically approved by the Food and Drug Administration for bipolar disorder or bipolar depression in older adults. However, the treatment follows general geriatric psychiatry principles: Start low and go slow. International guidelines on treating bipolar disorder Starting low means using half or even less of the recommended dose that a clinician would use in mixed-aged populations. Titrate slowly to allow the person time to acclimate to side effects that usually resolve. Bipolar disorder is a chronic disease, so medication adherence is paramount. Adherence can be jeopardized when a person experiences excessive side effects from the beginning of treatment. First-line treatment for bipolar depression in OABD include lurasidone (Latuda) or quetiapine (Seroquel) with low dosing and slow titration. This recommendation is supported by data from a post hoc analysis of the clinical trial data of lurasidone for bipolar depression. Lithium is also recommended and underused. The level should be lower for OABD; an appropriate target for older adults with bipolar disorder is 0.4-0.8 mEq/L, especially in people who are older and frailer. Lamotrigine (Lamictal) also is helpful and fairly well tolerated. Clinicians need to be attentive to a patient’s medical comorbidities and psychosocial support to enhance adherence and improve outcomes. This approach would entail working closely with primary care clinicians and using an integrative approach as the medical comorbidities will influence the success of bipolar treatment. References Sajatovic M and Chen P. Geriatric bipolar disorder. Psychiatr Clin North Am. 2011 Jun 3;34(2):319-33. Eyler LT et al. Understanding aging in bipolar disorder by integrating archival clinical research datasets. Am J Geriatric Psychiatry. 2019 Oct;27(10):1122-34. Shulman Kl et al. Delphi survey about using lithium in OABD. Bipolar Disord. 2019 Mar;21(2):117-23. Forester BP. Safety and effectiveness of long-term treatment with lurasidone in older adults with bipolar depression: Post hoc analysis of a 6-month, open-label study. Am J Geriatr Psychiatry. 2018 Feb;26(2):150-9. * * * For more MDedge Podcasts, go to mdedge.com/podcasts Email the show: podcasts@mdedge.com Interact with us on Twitter: @MDedgePsych

095 It's Called Seroquel

Who Invited Her?

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 30, 2019 54:38

They're back!! Yes, it's the kick off to Season 3! It's a family affair this episode, and the gang chats about what happened on break. Why is everyone so mean?! We attempt to play our version on The Newlywed Game. It's a hateful episode! We finish it off with Carol of the Week. The Band Pick this week is Ashnikko - Halloweenie II: Pumpkin Spice Theme music: “Around the Bend” by Evan Schaeffer http://soundcloud.com/evanschaeffer.

bend newlywed game it's called seroquel evan schaeffer

IDEA Collider | Mene Pangalos, AstraZeneca

IDEA Collider

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 14, 2019 43:10

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgUJQtQUrEs IDEA Pharma: A Conversation with Dr. Menelas Pangalos of AstraZeneca Mike Rea: Just a quick note this is Menelas Pangalos, can I have your official title? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: I am EVP of Innovative Medicines and early development. I’m at Biotech Unit and also Global Business Development. Mike Rea: Okay, we’ll get on to innovative medicines. This is obviously one of the series of Idea collider interviews with people with actually very interesting thoughts on innovations. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Hopefully. Hopefully interesting. Mike Rea: Definitely interesting and hopefully very useful for the viewers. So, actually let’s starts with our first question, what does AstraZeneca means by innovative medicine? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yes that's probably the most difficult question because innovation is different things to many people, & I’m sure - I remember when first joined the company & was walking around the site’s; looking at project’s & people were telling me about their innovative programs & they actually - you know, if you think about this as a competitive sport, I think our view of innovation when I first joined was personal best versus world records, And when I think of innovation, I think of world records. You know, you’re cutting edge, the cold face of innovation in terms of whatever area you’re in, whether it’s a technology or whether it’s a therapy area. Disease understanding is actually - you’re making the discoveries rather than following discoveries. Mike Rea: So, that was an almost an internally referenced versus external referenced. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yeah, so exactly they were very inwardly as an organization we were incredibly inwardly focused & we were getting better internally but when your benchmark is very low, you’re getting better on a very low benchmark actually it’s isn’t getting you anywhere near where you need to be. So, one of the big shifts in our culture which I think is helpful in our innovation is being much more outwardly focused. Seeing what’s happening as a consequence, understanding where we should be pushing ourselves to be even better & who we should be working with to enable us to build on whatever it is that we choose to do. Mike Rea: That’s interesting & the innovative medicines group is focused on forward looking pipeline -? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yeah, So I run everything from the first target ideation all the way to proof of concept. So, we have to hand over to our latest [inaudible 02:28] organization programs that are ready for phrase III. So, everything from - you know the basic disease understanding – to therefore give you the new targets so you identify & optimizing those programs to generate molecules that are ultimately suitable for phrase III investment. So, there’s therapy area-based research, then we also have our technology platform group to support the therapy areas Mike Rea: And you’re essentially then combining ways of doing that with choices that you’ve made along the way of which areas to focus on itself. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Choices all the way & one of the things - the big shifts that we made, which actually we made when Pascal joined the company at the end of 2012 is really focus down on the areas where we thought we could be globally competitive or we could be setting world records not personal bests, & so, we really focused organization down on to sort of oncology, cardiovascular, metabolic & renal disease. Which there’s a lot of overlap & than respiratory disease & there’s couple of areas that we not dabbled in but we have small – relatively small investments, less than 5% of our budget goes on there in neuroscience & infections where we tend to pawn all those program with other companies where that’s their core area of competence & where they want to be leading from an innovation perspective. Mike Rea: ok, that’s interesting. So, it’s more like the British Olympic teams approach the winning gold medals. where we can win gold and… Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Go deep & yes, it’s been very interesting because, as we’ve gone deep and as we’ve got more & more focused in those areas. You see that actually you’re starting to build a depth of knowledge & a depth of pipeline that really does make you quite competitive in that space, & the quality of the partnership – you can create the quality of the people who you recruit – the quality of the decision making it all gets better because the commercial organizations also lined up the same way. For me it was like the organization was never all - but I always thought of us as iron filings all going in different directions. When we focus organization on those three core areas, everyone’s thoughts then point in the same direction & they understood, well good looking [inaudible 04:44] Mike Rea: Yeah, & it’s been interesting. you mentioned when Pascal took over but it seems to be in a purposeful shift at AstraZeneca, because for a long time it wasn’t my favorite company. But this certainly - your publications & the kind of pursuit of a kind of directed improvement Has been clear from the outside. Do you have the room to do that? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yeah, look I mean - I was hired by the CEO before Pascal joined, a guy called David Brennan who was a super smart guy, very commercially driven. They’ve built a great company with an amazing brand Seroquel, Nexium, Crestor. And what’s interesting is most of those were me too or me better drugs, but nevertheless, very successful in their time & what David realized when he hired me was that the R&D organization wasn’t where it needed to be & they had to try & re-invent themselves & I was the one of the first recruits to try & help with that reinvention. Mike Rea: What was the first thing that you had to do under that new regime? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yeah, it was a challenging [blank] - activity wasn’t particularly high so one of the things that I tried to really get the organization bought into reasons why we need to change, to learn from what we’ve done before. So, we looked at all of the projects that were run from 2005 - 2010. We were spending about 5 million dollars a year on R&D. And really trying to look at what differentiated a successful project from a non-successful project. obviously, we had a lot more unsuccessful projects. Mike Rea: What was your definition of successful? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Launch. your medicine launching or moving into late stage of development at least. But actually, launching is the most important one & looking at what data – what information we have & how programs actually progressed from candidate nomination all the way through to phase III. And what we saw was – actually when we did the analysis, if you measured us by the number of things that we were doing, the numbers of candidates that we’re putting into the clinic or the number of R&D's that we were filing. We were one of the most productive companies in the industry. Secondly only to Pfizer after it had acquired Wyeth. But if you measured us by the number of launches that we had – we were the second least productive company in industry. So clearly there was a disconnect. Our science was getting rewarded, but there were no medicines coming out at the other end & that’s what we had to fix it. The take-way message from all of this work was quality over quantity. It’s the quality of what you work on not the quantity of what you do. And then as we dug further there were five things or we call a five R framework that we thought, based on the data that we analyzed would improve your probability of running a successful program and they’re pretty obvious I have to say, pretty intuitive & yet actually quite difficult I think to execute on consistently. So, the first of the five R's is around the right target. How well do you understand the biology of the target that you work on? how well do you understand the disease pathophysiology? How it connects – relates to path whether you’re trying to modulate? What genetic validation do you have either in pre-clinical animal models or in human genetics & how do your scientists consequently try to prove or importantly disapprove Your hypothesis. are they asking those killer questions to try and invalidate, not just validate there’s something for hypothesis? Mike Rea: Yeah. So how important is that almost adversarial nature? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: It’s really important actually rewarding your scientists for disapproving things as much as approving things & making good decisions – good kills is actually something that we’re very passionate about and very proud about & we celebrate as well. As I’ll say in a moment the reason why we’re failing now the most is actually because of lack of efficacy in phase II, which means we still don’t understand the targets and the pathways well enough. But we’re getting better, so that’s perhaps the most important of all of the 5 R's. Mike Rea: Okay. I think we talked about this a little bit before that we’ve reframed this role and we're calling it failure; we call the process of early phase – development asymmetric learning. Can you learn faster & better than the other guys? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Exactly. Mike Rea: And if you call it learning it’s not trying to failing anymore. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: It’s exactly right & making sure that you fail, you haven’t spent too much money & you don’t just keep on - cause what we were very good at what we saw as we had – our science was very creative. Finding ways of getting to the next hurdle & just for the sake of getting the next hurdle, cause that’s where we're being measured on. So right target, second one right issue. When you have a molecule whether it’s a monoclonal antibody or small molecule or the drug modality, demonstrate first of all in the preclinical models that you can engage the target & understand what your PK / PD relationships are. So, understand you’ve got to inhibit a kinase in a tumor? Do you have to inhibit that kinase for 24 hours? Do you have to inhibit it at 50%, 80%, 100%? Really understand what the relationship is in order to generate the efficacy you are after & then even more importantly you have to have a way of measuring that in the clinic. If you can’t demonstrate target engagement in a clinic, we have a big problem, because then if you fail you have no idea if it’s your molecule is cramp or lousy - excuse my French - or if your hypothesis is wrong. So, a good failure is for me is ones who I know have demonstrated target engagement but the molecule didn't work so biology is wrong. Right. And we hardly had any ways of demonstrating proof medicines – so a number of phase II that we were running. where the molecules failed and you asked the question – I remember these first six months in project meeting, so it didn't work – did we engage the target? Did the receptor antagonist get into the brain? If it’s a schizophrenia program and quizzical blank stares from everybody saying - we have no idea. Mike Rea: Oh, so you weren't learning well. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: So, you weren't learning anything, not well, you weren't learning anything actually because you had no idea why you are failing, so that doesn't happen anymore. The third one is right safety, so again because our scientists were being rewarded for number of candidates, they were remarkably good - working how to lower the doses to the minimum amount, where they now – because they're not measuring target engagement, engaging the target but they still get the candidate through. And what we saw was that when you had early safety signals, they invariably came back to bite you somewhere during early development or even worse later stage development. So, waiting out your safety signals early, making sure you are working on the right series, on the right scaffolds, that you understand both your target-based toxicity and your molecule-based toxicity, really, really important. So, we spent a lot of time developing our safety models. Fourth of the five R's right patient. To find the patient population in which your medicine is most likely to work. Because if It doesn't work in that patient population, it's not going to work on a broader patient population, and we were again very good at going into broad patient populations. What we saw actually was that as the programme moved through the clinic, the commercial organization got into full steam ahead and wanted to go into broader bigger. Of course AstraZeneca was very much a primary cadre of an organization and so what we saw actually in the data was that the scientists were becoming less confident about their projects and the commercial folks were becoming more confident because the big yourselves the number is getting bigger, but you know a 100% of nothing is not a very big number. So that was the other pieces - to find the patient population and do that experiment first and develop it there and then other things will happen. This is not different, advanced for example we have been doing for quite some time, and then finally the last of the 5R’s is right commercial. By right commercial, I don’t mean is it going to be a billion dollar pick yourselves - what I mean is why would anyone want to take or prescribe the medicine and why would anyone want to reimburse it. So, understanding what your comparators need to be, understanding what the standard of care will be in the time frame that you are going to be launching. It’s a very difficult thing to do, often 10 - 15 years ahead but really challenging the teams to think about where that puck will be when the programmes moves through the clinic or when it launches to make sure they are being ruthless about the comparisons they do. This now goes back to the conversation around being outward looking versus inward looking. And then it was interesting, when we submitted the paper for review, one of the comments that came back from one of the reviewer's was - well if you do all of this you need to add a 6th R which is the right culture. Because what you are actually doing is changing the culture of the company and so you need to talk about how it back ships and he was actually, he or she was actually right because as we start to implement the 5 R's to every governance meeting we have, through every project review that we do, what you start to see is is the culturing shifting from one where science is being rewarded for just numbers of candidates, to they are being rewarded for proof of mechanism, for proof of concept, for launches, for diagnostic strategies and for publishing great research papers and it has shifted the culture from one that's being very inwardly focused, personal best to one that's outwardly focused, more collaborative and hopefully setting a few world records. Mike Rea: Which is interesting. So, we, did you use incentive structure as a lever or was that a kind of after effect of getting people to focus in the right place? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: So the incentives changed and our global incentives in the company actually changed when Pascal joined where we didn't just have R&D incentives, we had incentives around R&D - which were phase 3 investment decisions, launches, phase II starts, and there's assessing of commercial goals which are around the growth drivers of the company which you can land everybody up in oncology, cardiovascular, metabolic, respiratory etc. and then some financial goals and we were thrust to meet our objectives, we have to get all of these things - not just the R and D ones. So, the whole organizations actually got very well lined up. But for us the things that we rewarded scientists on were:- the quality of the work they were doing, so these good kills, or good moving forward in a CD package, coming forward you know a lot less candidates coming forward every year than we ever had, we were no longer the most prolific, but the quality was much higher and the teams had to be able to cover every aspect of the programme including what the developing plan looks like going forward to proof of concept. And then the successes, their rewards came and they demonstrated proof of mechanism, demonstrated proof of concept, when they get the phase III investment decision because I don't get to decide what goes into phase III, someone else has to put that through and so that you can’t game the system in that way. Mike Rea: Yes. Interesting. We have always quoted the Brazil Germany World Cup final, cause as you look at the goals, clearly very big divide, but actually Brazil won the game on all of the surrogate metrics. They shot some goals, shot some targets, possession Brazil won. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: But the goals count. Launching drugs count. So, the launching drugs counts and of course the challenges is, when you are in a research team launching a drug somewhere away. We were lucky that we had a few drugs that moved quite fast through the whole process. So, people got a sense that we could actually do this and then the other piece that was a very important measure actually for us is actually just the quality of the publications coming out of the organization. And if you look at where we were, I had an organization of about 5000 people when I joined and we were publishing about 200 papers and one nature or science paper. Today we are half that size, we are about 2500 people, we are publishing between 40 - 50 nature science sell papers a year. So even those, and of course when I first joined it was impossible, you couldn’t do drug discovery and good science, now it’s part of our DNA. Mike Rea: It’s all the same thing. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yeah and people don't even question that, and of course what happens as a consequence of doing it is, people want to come and work with you, whether it is an academic collaborator, whether it is Biotech or whether it’s someone who actually wants to be a part of AstraZeneca. Mike Rea: Of course Dr. Menelas Pangalos: So it’s made a huge shift to us and of course our move down to Cambridge is all part of that shift, it’s part of being close to an academic hotbed where there is amazing science because we have become much more open than we ever were, which for me again it’s part of my DNA in terms of being collaborative. Being collaborative in Cambridge is really, really easy because there is so many people you can collaborate with. And of course we have Oxford, London in our doorstep and the rest of the UK and the rest of the world, we have tried to join UK and Sweden together to try and create a European hub and the partnerships we have now which when we have many and some quite unusual, we actually have AstraZeneca scientists work in the same lab as an academic scientist, shared goals and they are working on basic research as well as drug discovery programs. It’s made us much, much more porous than we have ever been. Mike Rea: The thing I mentioned to you before was, we have been doing the pharmaceutical innovation index for 9 years now. And if you look where AstraZeneca started to where Astra Zeneca came number 1 this year. It’s been a rapid turnaround. I think because all the things that you recognize and our index measures, did you launch and did you launch successfully? Did you get reimbursement? So clearly you have gone from that period when you were doing a lot of internal R&D anywhere to suddenly getting somewhere. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: And it’s been - the wins are important. Celebrating the wins when you get them is actually one of the things that galvanized the organization. But you know, I think that are the three key things, being really focused on high quality science, being really collaborative and open, and then executing flawlessly when it comes to moving through the pipeline and launching. Mike Rea: When you said, you came up with the five R’s. Was that a process to come up with or were those the five things that mattered the most or did you go in with -? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: No actually look, you know Pfizer had published their three pillars, these things are very intuitive and most interesting is people ask me about - because these are you know, they're bleeding obvious, you’d think everybody would do it, people ask me - why do you publish this, because it’s like a trade secret. They're not! Everybody should be doing this and I think many companies do, but Actually many companies don’t and when I ask people that join us from other companies about what's different about the way that we do it versus others, it’s that we really do practice this. I don't let well not I; we don't let programs come forward if the odds don't look good, and if they do come forward with a gap, let’s say we’re not sure about right safety, we have a question mark about whether we’re going to have the right dose versus safety liability. It’s the first question we ask in the clinic. So, do you really understand the proof of mechanism, the PKPD and workout the margins, so it really focuses the attention is you understand where your liabilities are in a program to go there first and workout whether you can flip a red to an amber or green – Mike Rea: So, it’s okay to go at risk as long as you – Dr. Menelas Pangalos: As long as you know what the risk is and you're very clear about what the killer experiment is. Mike Rea: Hoping it’s not there. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yeah and then of course the first few years projects will come and you say no once, you say no twice, you take teams through it and teams change their behavior. Mike Rea: Oh, you do mean it? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yeah, yeah. Doesn’t make a difference. It’s kind of important, right. There's got to be some tease to it. Mike Rea: So, is there a definition of innovation at AstraZeneca? Because one of the things we always find is that everyone has a different approach to what it is and what it means. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: As I said earlier, it means so many things to different groups. So, for my precision medicine group, innovation would be developing the first plug-based DNA test for EGFO - it’s very different to my oncology therapy, it should be looking to identify a new target or pathway and get the first molecules or the first crystal structure that target with the molecule. So I think innovation really is different things to different groups, I think as I said earlier the most important thing is that whatever we choose to do and whichever areas we’re focusing, whether its Crispr or whether its Protacs or whether it’s a new – some other drug modanity or something around new safety models that improve our prediction, that we are aware of what's out there, so we’re not re-inventing the wheel. We’re working with the very best people and we’re pushing the boundaries of science so that when hopefully we’ve cracked something, when we publish it, people aren't saying ‘so what’. I’d really like us to be viewed as driving science forwards and not just helping ourselves but actually helping the fields that we work in also get better at what they do, and that culture piece is really important because it’s one of the things that I think can make us a little bit different. When we moved to Cambridge, our new building in Cambridge is right in the Addenbrookes campus, the Addenbrookes hospital, its next to the Papworth hospital and then on the other side we’re opposite the laboratory for microbiology, the MRC microbiology. More Nobel laureates than any other institution in the world and an incredibly, if you want high powered science that's one of the places to go in the world and I was talking to John Savalo at the time, he was the CEO of the MR center, ‘wouldn’t it be great, given that we’re going to be in Cambridge to see if we can start working with the MRC, with the LMB’ and so we put a small pot of money together that we co funded and I went and saw Hugh Pelham who was the director at the time and I said, let’s try and do something and of course his natural first inclination was well you know, we’re all very, very smart and you're from industry and we don't want you to suck our brains dry and us get nothing back. Which I think is – I think pharma has moved on a long way over the past few years but I think still in some circles the [inaudible 23:55] of what we do and how we work – and so we worked really, really hard to build a strong relationship with the LMB and to actually make it a very easy way to get – we created this pot of money that basically PI’s from AZ and the LMB, to come and apply for, and they can get a post doc and it’s a two pager and it would be very, very quick and easy and not bureaucratic and Hugh and myself would review this and we’d say yes or no. Based on the quality of the science. Mike Rea: Together? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Together, we did it together. And it was – of course the first round was not particularly well subscribed but today we work with more than half the PI’s in the LMB, collaboratively, and they get back as much as – because they can see that we can do things, we can create molecules for them, we have certain capabilities and technologies that they don't have access to, but more importantly there's actually a lot of overlap in terms of our common interest. And so, when you put us both together, we actually get more powerful because we’re obviously quite plad in our thinking, they're quite basic in their thinking, we put it together and actually magic happens, and we've got some amazing stuff that's going on working with them. Mike Rea: Which is an interesting – I think your comfort with ‘open’ is an interesting differentiator for you in that way that you described this long-term approach, proof of concept if you like of going in. Have you found it easy to have your scientists behave the right way in the collaboration? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: It’s been an evolution right, because initially we were incredibly closed. We didn't want to share anything. Everything was proprietary and you just do it in baby chunks and you chip away, you chip away and eventually people get comfortable and there's many examples, of course we had to do it – because if you think of where we were and having to try and change the culture quickly, one of the best ways of changing the culture is actually bringing external scientists in that can show you what world records they'd make. So for example, we did another collaboration with the MRC, we made lots of our molecules, clinical molecules available to MRC scientists to try and find new indications for which then spurred the - NCATs was happening as well, and we’re one of the companies that has the most molecules, both clinical and preclinical in those types of things, you know when we set up the bio park in [inaudible 26:17], park, we had this huge site that was half empty and I used to wander through the corridors going from one group to the other and there would be those empty laboratories, they used to call it tumbleweed labs where you could hear the winds rushing through and it was a demoralizer and from the era when everyone was investing in bricks and infrastructure, bricks and mortar and infrastructure, because they thought they could just industrialize R&D and find out the very hard way that you couldn't, so then the organization shrank and we had these huge buildings. And so, what we did was we said – lets collapse our footprint on the building and let’s bring biotech’s in. So that was actually our first bio park and in contrast to other bio park cities, let’s not have the biotech’s that come in partitioned and walled off. Let’s have them using our cafeteria, our coffee shops, our shared spaces, let’s have them potentially using our equipment if they want to, so they have to buy capital, and we can really try and share our infrastructure, make ourselves good partners, help give them advice when they need it, if they need some regulatory advice some clinical advice, without asking for anything in return, it does start to encourage biotech’s to come in, it makes us again start to forge relationships with other companies and probably most importantly it starts to fill the space up and make you feel vibrant and energetic and full. Mike Rea: Which is an interestingly human approach – there's this great book called Obliquity which talks about getting what you want but approaching it in an oblique way and you're described a lot of internal and external signals about your readiness to embrace the future instead of the past. How important is that -? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: And treat people like grown-ups, the other thing is treating people like grown-ups, because again when we first set this up they were like – what do you mean they're going to be wandering around – everyone signs a CDA, if they don't follow what they should be doing they’ll get kicked off the side, so I think if we go in with the assumption that everybody is going to behave themselves and actually follow the appropriate principles, then actually you're pretty safe. You don’t have to have barriers and passes and everything else, and actually we’ve done it in Boston, in Wharton and actually created – we had a half empty building in Boston which is now packed and actually has a waiting list for biotech’s to come in and in Gothenburg as well. Now in Cambridge it’s a little bit different because we’re already in the middle of the biotech cluster so it’s a little bit less important, but for those sites it’s a little bit more isolated and not right in the midst in Kendall square or not in England for example, in Sweden. It makes quite a big difference having this sort of vibrant environment. Mike Rea: Kendall Square has almost become a hiring hub rather than an innovation spreading hub, because people aren’t necessarily collaborating there, just hiring the folks from – Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Well the nice thing about this – what I find about us being in Cambridge is you know– you go to a coffee shop or you drop your kids off into school, and you bump into someone, happens to be a hematologist who has just come over, is working and you can start to talk about things that we couldn’t talk about when we were in Cheshire, because the environment is just different. So, it’s actually amazing, how many collaborations and relationships have been initiated through these informal connections. So one of the things that I've been trying to do over the years is try and generate as many opportunities for our scientists to have informal connections, whether it’s with people in the bio houses where the collaborators were, you're just making it easier for the serendipitous to happen and then again innovation can happen. Mike Rea: Yeah planning for serendipity. Absolutely. So, one of the things that's been apparent from the outside is the way that you've approached innovation as an active process and five hours is a very good illustration of that. Do you measure it year on year? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: So, we measure lots of things. I have got a great portfolio management group. I measure it but don’t necessarily incentivize on it. So, I think we measure how many proof of mechanisms we have done, we measure our proof of concepts, so obviously we get rewarded for things like phase III investment decisions and launches. We measure how many publications are coming out, from which groups. But I try not to get to, we tend to do - first full three-year holding averages, so no one is ever pressured into doing something in one year and getting a number. And actually, the focus really is on the quality of what people are doing, and how innovative is it, how inventive is it. Is it going to lead to hopefully to break through in the therapy area in terms of capability? Mike Rea: So, you have got trendlines rather than timelines. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Yeah so, we are quite careful about that because I just think it drives the wrong behavior if you are not careful. Mike Rea: Right, People start gaming whatever they are given as a target. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Sounds so brilliant doing that. You know you give whatever target you give them they are good at hitting them. Again, the CD one, it’s amazing what behave - in 2005 - 2010 period, because there were [inaudible 31:30] the number of backups we had in the pipeline. Backup number 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, then of course all the backups had exactly the same probability as the lead molecule. So, we don’t do backups anymore. Mike Rea: Right, I remember sitting in Sweden once, listening to the team saying that it doesn’t matter if this one doesn’t work because you have got a backup - how does that not matter? Just because you are in a job for another couple of years, but - Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Exactly right. Now unless it’s a really, really important program they know they are going to get one shot so they've got the time, they have got to work out the quality of the molecules versus taking a bit more time to get rid of a few more of the work. So, it’s a real balancing acta and for some plans we will have backups, but they are unusual. Less than 5% of our pipeline now has backups. Mike Rea: Interesting times, and what’s been the biggest learning for you as a director of all of this activity over the period? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: You know I've worked in different companies now, there's not a lot I would have done differently. I have seen Wyeth go through - before it was acquired by Pfizer, go through relatively similar transformations of what [inaudible 32:45] said of R&D, time was much more focused on a number of things. But he had a leadership team that was very passionate about science. And so, we were all very much focused on the quality of the science. I think the biggest piece is celebrating the wins, but also celebrating the good failures and then exemplifying them - constantly exemplifying the individuals, teams, projects. You know we were lucky that we had to grow in [inaudible 33:15] in particular, which came from our teams in Orderly Park actually which went from – you know we put the resources behind it and there was a new generation when I arrived and we moved it in the CD and then it went from CD to launch and in about three years, now that was a brilliant thing to have coming along because it was an example of what you can do. And of course having a quick win, that also made the organization feel better about itself, Limpasa which was written off, we resurrected and brought back to line, even though we’ve never really stopped working on it and the Imed, when Pascal joined me asking me why is this not in phase III, suddenly pumped everyone's chest up and then everything we’ve been doing at Astra has been about rebuilding and then [inaudible 34:04] really well your artistic molecule. So, there's lot of really cool stuff in every area that we’re working in, of course that makes it easier to walk on and keep going. Mike Rea: So, with what you described sounds like the early stage of an exponential growth rather than just seeing the results - Dr. Menelas Pangalos: I hope so. So, the other piece I love about our company is I think we are a humble company, starting with Pascal and his leadership team all the way through our leaders and our scientist. You know once we got better, I think - I have said this to you previously, we are still failing 80% of the time. Right so we have got lots of room for improvement and very few companies that have been able to continuously in 5 years cycles continue to be at the top end of the productivity chart. So, we have had a good 5 years. That is one set of 5 years so for me the huge chance is making sure we continue to do this. So, the pipeline continues to fuel new launches and new medicines, that No one in the organization gets complaced in any way- shape or form. They remain humble collaborative, open and porous to ideas whether they are from inside or outside. Mike Rea: Which has been an interesting characterization of the change I think and having that humility seems – adds more to AstraZeneca, in my external perception to where it is today. So, what drives you personally in this space? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: I have always been - it’s difficult now not to think of myself as a leader, but I always used to get really upset when people called me a line manager or a leader versus scientist. I'm a scientist first and foremost. I get excited about seeing people’s data. Not the bullet points from the power points, the actual data. The graphs the – Mike Rea: And a scientist in your approach to the day job as well, I guess. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: There's a keenness, so I still have a couple of students and I don't spend anywhere near enough time with them but I’ve tried to keep my academic links, but more importantly it’s just to encouraging science, constantly encouraging science, constantly speaking to our scientists. Going and seeing their projects, seeing them present their posters, seeing and encouraging the next generation of science and scientist just to come through. To me that's the first driver is just the quality of the science and being an organization that you can say and be really proud is doing good science. Second one is about being collaborative. I’ve always been quite collaborative by nature and I get irritated actually by people that hoard data or think that they can't share things and so – Mike Rea: Yeah, I’ve noticed cause you're active on twitter too that that's – how do you feel about that as a collaborative exchange. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: It’s good so we’ve got this new thing called Workplace which is a spinoff from Facebook and its actually working really well, where you can start to post – so someone will post a bit of scientific data and then you can ask questions and you can generate – Twitter is a great place for – I see it more for news and getting people’s opinions on things that are coming out., particularly if they're from outside of AZ. But this being open to ideas wherever they come from and being porous and you can talk about being collaborative and then you can be collaborative and I really want it to be collaborative. So, I am probably being too open rather than less open. If I ever have to choose if it works for us, I think the risks are relatively small and the upside is huge. And then – there is two things, and then the other piece that I'm incredibly passionate about which – actually Katherine in the room here, was an example is developing our talent. So really I’ve seen it happen all through my career actually as I’ve grown through the industry, but surrounding yourself with people that are smarter than you are, but also pulling people up more rapidly, and I kind of think about my career journey and I’ve been lucky to have some managers that were quite – leaders that were prepared to take risks on me and sort of propelled me up the line, probably more quickly than I was ever expecting, not probably, a lot more than I was ever expecting, but some people getting there – you're sure about that? And I kind of have this same conversation with my leaders and their leaders about take risks on people. If you haven't got people in places that are a little bit uncomfortable and really pushing themselves and finding out they can really swim versus sign, you'll never accelerate people’s careers. So that's something that we spend quite a little time, with my team and their team. So, I spend a little time doing talent development and really trying to pull out the bright sparks faster than they would otherwise have moved Mike Rea: That's interesting. I’m going to ask Katherine; do we have two more minutes? I'm going do the 2-minute timeline. Okay so, within a spurt of a 2-minute rule, so what – you clearly read a lot, what books do you go back to as your core – which books do you recommend? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: So, the one that's probably closest to my heart from a heartstring’s perspective is probably Roy Vagelos’s autobiography around Science, Medicine and Merck. Mike Rea: That was a great period. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: And for me he was – apart from [inaudible 40:04] obviously a Greek heritage like I am, I’ve never had a scientist in my family, so reading his – I just read his book and it was just amazing what he did and Merck for me, as you know I was doing my PhD, that was the prototypical, what a great R&D organization looks like and I actually did a PhD that was sponsored by them and Roy was like a hero. He was one of the first science led CEO’s and he took a company and really to me he epitomized the science at organizations and so – that's probably one of my favorite discovery books that I read in kind of a – I’ve never actually met him, but I would love to meet him and I just think he did an amazing job and actually it so happened when Merck lost that science focus – they got it back now and I think it made a huge difference, that for me has been one of my guiding lights. All through my career. And then when I was at Wyeth actually I met Bill George for the first time and we’ve met him – I’ve been at AstraZeneca a few times, he’s written a book called Discover your True North and that's about what are your guiding principles, what are your true norths and sticking to them, well actually not sticking to them, knowing what they are so you can stick to them and that has been something that again I have used, when I first joined the company I wrote down my list of four or five things that were the most important things for me, but I never should have talked about over the past few minutes and sticking to those principles and not ever letting them go, because they're what define you, and have been really important. Mike Rea: Fantastic. And what are your ambitions for the next five years? Dr. Menelas Pangalos: To do this. I think we have the best jobs in the world honestly. Scientists in the organization, we’re able to turn science into medicine and really see the impact of what we do and for me, I’ve completed part one of my journey at AstraZeneca, we now need to show that we can do it again, and that we can hopefully improve even further. It was something that we can continue through, I want to just keep doing that, I love doing what I'm doing. Mike Rea: Fantastic, and one thing that you wished that I’d ask you that I haven't asked you. That's the last question. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: How do you relax? As I'm sure you know, you know from speaking to – these are pretty intense jobs, and so my family probably are the thing that brings me down to earth and you're talking about your kid being a guitarist, my kids they're young, they're nine and ten, my wife’s a scientist but they're all very good at when I come home to making me silly daddy and just bringing me completely down to earth and I find that the most relaxing thing out there, being with my family. Mike Rea: Excellent, well thank you so much and I know there's a thousand questions I could have continued to ask you. Hopefully we’ll get to do it again. Thanks. Dr. Menelas Pangalos: Thank you very much.

Psych Vs. Psych

A Few Screws Loose: The Podcast

Play Episode Listen Later Apr 14, 2019 86:31

In this episode of "A Few Screws Loose" Dan and P From Charlotte talk about their first visits to psychiatrists, which medications we were prescribed, and how we reacted to these medications. P also explains some of the differences between psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors/social workers. Dan shares how he was prescribed Seroquel for insomnia and why that was an irresponsible choice of medication by his doctor. He also details his worst panic attack to date. P talks about how he was prescribed numerous medications at their max dosages to be taken simultaneously. This cocktail of medication caused P to get alarmingly worse, even causing him to self-harm with no prior history of self-harm. Some of these medications should never be prescribed together. (1:31) Episode 11 Recap. (2:48) Getting Diagnosed. (12:16) Psychologist Vs. Psychiatrist (17:11) "I Need Help Now!" (24:19) Our First Visits. (40:25) Selective Listening. (49:29) Side-Effects of Meds. (58:12) Dan's Worst Panic Attack. (1:15:25) Closing Thoughts. (1:21:56) Remember That Time? If you enjoy A Few Screws Loose please rate/review us, and subscribe to be notified of new episodes! Stay connected with us on social media. Twitter: @ScrewsLoosePod Instagram: @ScrewsLoosePod Facebook: @AFSLPod Dan Twitter: @iAmDanOnDrugs Instagram: @iAmDanOnDrugs P Instagram: @PFromCharlotte You may also enjoy other podcasts on the @TheBREAKSMedia Network, a collective of some of the dopest podcast for the culture!

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Shawn Bryans, CBD, Medical Marijuana, & Hemp Cultivator - COO OkieHerb

Gut Check Project

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 14, 2019 117:15

Shawn Bryans, VP of operations at Green Tree Medical and Chief grower and cultivator for Okie Herb discusses the benefits of CBD, medical marijuana, the variety of customers from the elderly to PTSD veterans, the new laws and landscape in Oklahoma, and how "Bud Tenders" function to deliver great care to consumers.https://okieherb.comhttps://kbmdhealth.comhttps://gutcheckproject.comNancy husband and wife may kiss the bride connectivity care whenever you need video chatting with the doctor right from your phone so I don't need stitches thank you Dr. United healthcare health plan benefits may vary fantastic second episode of the gut check project and we have our inaugural guess this is going to be a fantastic show on super excited about this I'm pretty pumped also so today we have this is episode number two of the gut check project brought to you by your host Dr. Kenneth Brown and well we really appreciate everyone but Joyce did you know we actually have feedback from our first show actually open content by love people I thought that you and I were just talking to each other the whole time as it turns out some people actually listening what you what you know beyond my mom beyond my wife your wife we actually had some of the people who watch that was really cool hate one of the things that we handle in terms of questions was can I take John Teal and do I need to continue taking probiotics or prebiotic's may want to dress like so there's lots confusion around these terms prebiotic probiotic all the prebiotic is on digestible food source that your bacterial breakdown so fiber is a prebiotic okay so the skins of vegetables and fruits are prebiotic's probiotics are the good bacteria that people want to take into replenish your micro bio the reality is when you're taking out trying to you you don't need to take a prebiotic or a probiotic in fact the molecules known as polyphenols are actually a form of a prebiotic they go to your: the bacteria will break it down into beneficial things so essentially and not to be too confusing but you're basically taking a form of a prebiotic by definition by taking out front feels no it's not necessary to take a pre-or probiotic if you feel better on the probiotic I say continue to take it if you do not feel better than you might want to hold off on that so if last week have your listener and you're curious about arch until you can learn more@lovemytummy.com/spooning that's love my tummy.com for discount use forward/spoony also just a reminder if you ever want to keep got catch up with Dr. Brown and what I was doing has a brand-new website called KB MD health.com so it is only a week old there might be a bug or two in there there's actually a probably a lot of bugs and there have changed and I encourage all the feedback if you don't like the language of going to change the wording is a couple pictures of myself that I would change but you know we have to do what we can do and get things up because that website is there to give information about things that we know that at least my patients are swimming towards us and asking questions about what you have all kinds of information on CBD on got health on sleep on brain protection on everything it just a platform so we want to get up there and also to get access to people to get high quality CBD to get access to upfront you and so on so yes there we encourage feedback hit me up tell me you're not a English major are you Meno English majors yeah me bad at language also so basically Eric and I made this website and there's probably some grammatical errors we would love we learned about it sooner than later I know what you're talking about but I do check out KB MD health.com because there is a lot there's got to be resourceful there's lots of research there is a store where you will find the brand-new KB MD CBD as well as trying to heal and will have other things added to the store as we put research behind yes recent research is one of the things I'm most excited about where you have a guest on today and were to be talking CBD in the cannabis industry and all of that supersmart guy Sean Brian's was just talking from outside not just I love historian you guys gotta stick with this show today because it can be super exciting but one of the things I want to do is I really want to do clinical research on my patients less early research I just want to track the results and were to be putting those kind of things first on the website as we await publication and then once we get published then will go and replace that but anybody go to that website is going to see the white papers first before while they're being submitted for publication way it works you submit it takes a few months this is just a way to get access to things much sooner much sooner last mention here a quick for a sponsor that we had for the show which is down weed is happening now with the medical director of Bridgestone and happens to be Dr. J Perry also a gastroenterologist at the top of the hour you probably heard if you're listening already mentioned ridges own and it was being rented by the late great Doc Thompson so I shout out to Doc Thompson again thanks so much for having us here the team chef Patrick Ron everyone couldn't be happier to now start our second episode of the gut check project on spoony radio so we we did not get pulled off the air last week which outcries and actually said you can come back and do another show I got another shirt is amazing so it's been a week before we jump into all the cool stuff to talk about today what you been up to man for a week it has been a week so last week my oldest son the whole family my youngest son the wife and I took tons of family down San Antonio we live in North Texas if you are familiar that's 5 Hours Dr. S. went and I saw my oldest son compete in the state basketball tournament they did well and dad and after that we it inquired when the whole thing so we decided to take off and enjoy some family time out in San Diego we do know I logged around couple hundred bucks I guess online scooters if you are looking for a way to enjoy an urban environment written lime scooter similar while you heard did you get a chance to jump into one of the Navy seal bug training techniques of water cold immersion we did decide not to do that after we put on a wetsuit and tried to serve tennis: water is not warm at all wetsuit is correct your wet your wet and cold and then you're still wet but we did serve it just got out of there soon become fully we went to do good for you let yourself or even wow I had an equally exotic experience I had to go to which I didn't have to I went to Wichita Falls Texas because my son had a tennis tournament there and my wife and daughter went down to Waco because she had a tennis tournament there which coincidentally shot out to her Carlos she double gold singles and I won the whole tournament love that my son Lucas and I in Wichita if you've ever been there Wendy very very windy candy yet and it was raining so we had tons of rain delays all the stuff I did bring my X.3 bar which you will be writing about this also but the X.3 bar is a portable exercise system developed by a PhD named John Jake wish and I had a long conversation with him not to long ago and he's done some great research showing how variable resistance and volatile bottom line is I sat in a hotel room worked out watch rainfall pendulum was probably as wet and cold as you yeah I without question down if you notice now the Wichita Falls in Texas actually is the region that varies the most from year to year in temperature fluctuation it has the biggest swing I believe throughout the entire state shock about the back me up on this by the time he gets in here but it literally has the biggest average temperature swing throughout the entire state that little region at their out of the Red River and – describe a little bit about what the X.3 bar looks like because if you had never seen this thing is really cool it's very portable it's equipped with bands but has has a resistance motion that you know if you're just looking anything that looks weird when he tried it will wear your ass down since in this actually Dr. Jake which gave me a code so that our listeners can execute a discount on ice just when you go you get it go to X.3 bar.com and then put in code KB MD and you get a nice discount there the other science is pretty interesting I'm mobile hacking this is like one of those mobile acts that you can do show is portable you know there's no excuses for not working out take about 10 minutes and you're done so you break a sweat you will think that you won't but you will break a sweat in fact if you go to the our Instagram at KPMG health is no need to do the resident we need to do this because you can see the big man Eric over here is not doing some curls with the X.3 bar actually got several videos of the X.3 bars so about someone else's biceps to do that she actually had to stop mid workout because he was getting too big yeah knows what about changes wardrobe so that would build fitness shared real quick any other news or notes of any to talk about for the gut check project coming up I can't think anything big of them have our first guest this week but I know that you went to where he works while Europe and Wichita Falls yeah that's right so coincidentally and we Artie had him booked for this I went up Wichita Falls right next to the border of Oklahoma Oklahoma just recently became a I'm to say the word wrong but medical cannabis legal state yes is that term that made Sean to clarify we John. His unit tells all about about what goes on yes I went up there and took a look in our CBD product is in that is in that store it was really cool to see all the hard work that we've done to educate and get things moving and so if you get a chance Oklahoma is one of the new states to start the medical marijuana interestingly enough that I do find it kind perplexing that taxes being such a large state watches the bordering states open up a casino or open up the opportunity for medical delivery cannabis or CBD and essentially date it's it's Texas citizens that more or less come support that industry and I'm sure this will be the same until Texas decides to participate I am very familiar with that because I'm from Nebraska originally were that's exactly what's going on in Colorado once I won the other right I would as the casinos Colorado courses the cannabis industry in Nebraska has chosen to be very strict on that so not surprising to me that a state can have neighboring states with little bit more liberal or differing views sure now I understand well I believe listeners will be going to try to start doing is giving over the format in our first hour so it this point time were going to talk about health news as a relates to the gut check project in KPMG health and you can learn firsthand why I always like talking to Dr. Brown in terms of how he keeps up with what's the latest trends and the latest relevant news in health so this last week and we got a little bit of experience with what were going to talk about but it just so happens there's a lot of research into the fasting mimicking diet and what it can do for you and I'm stopping that you can take over so super interesting a study was published just last week about the fasting mimicking.now with the fasting mimicking diet is is this is developed by a fantastic researcher named vulture long ago and what you do is he figured on animals that if you give a caloric restriction meaning your to take 1000 cal a first end and work your way down to about 10 to about 10% of your normal calories in a very specific ratio of fats proteins and carbs that you can trick your body into believing that it's in a fast and what that does in humans he showed that after five days you turn on your stem cells it actually gets your old selves sick and old cells to just go away called autophagy and so if you can think of it this way your body says okay these cells that are starting to show signs of possible early cancer things like that the body recognizes that goes you go away in working to start new cells so that's the basis of the fasting mimicking diet this was developed and a company called L Neutra has developed a product called prologue to sort of make it really simple for you to have the exact ratio that's have prolonged PR OL ON PROLON so vulture has been doing tons of research and you he's I follow his words Rhonda Patrick follows work through a lot of other conferences he's always going to longevity conferences and giving lectures this time something very near and dear to my heart he just published so out of the University of Southern California USC this article out of cell reports the fasting mimicking diet modulates microbiota and promotes intestinal regeneration to reduce inflammatory bowel disease pathology very long big Boring to title but here's what supercool is basically he took mice he put them on the fasting mimicking diet end date induced Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis so inflammatory bowel disease and then he showed that these mice had decreased intestinal inflammation increased intestinal stem cells they actually reverse the disease and something else is really cool is that they improved the micro biome composition and then he actually showed that it improved leaky gut or intestinal permeability something about this moment we have a disease or chronic disease inflammatory bowel disease if you don't know anybody who has as its brutal this is what I do with my practice all the time but by putting somebody on a fasting mimicking diet you can actually reverse this then he compared that group to a water only fast this is amazing the water only fast did not do nearly as well this is rising I would not have thought that I was completely blown away because I've always I've done I did three fast this year I did 35 day fast the first one was the prolonged one I did a prolonged fast and I could totally tell when those stencils kicked in I just had a boost of energy like you would not believe next when I did I tried to can't hack the prolonged pasture and try to do it using the foods I bought and try to mimic it I did not quite get that boost of energy and then my third fast was a water only fast for five days and once again I did not get that I just woke up at like 1 AM to take on the world and so I've actually contacted the CEO of L Nutro that were extra friends with Joe on Tuesday and him I talked to said yeah because that's the amazing thing we don't people don't realize it the faster mimicking diet is actually based off of true science and animals vaulter did this all he worked out the exact ratio how many days and then after you do this you have to repeat so in this particular group we had two groups of mice one did water only and that group did not do as well the fasting mimicking group had increased the fiddle bacteria and lactobacilli which have been shown to improve so you asked me the beginning of the show what about prebiotic and probiotic I well guess what if you do a fasting. Then your body will figure out what bacteria should proliferate more when we eat it's actually an inflammatory process so every time you eat electrically little bit of inflammation in the gut by giving it a break and by doing the fasting mimicking diet your not only given your get a break but your body goes okay we can get rid of old dying cells get rid of precancerous cells and working to start brand-new ones and is proven it with these mice what is so fascinating to me is that the faster mimicking diet is so much easier than the water only diet I can vouch for that then we had which at our whole company do it and at all trying to I think we have that on our on a page would a blogger yeah I think it's right at a year ago is that's correct and I can I can say the water fast it's not the worst thing ever but it's more difficult the whenever your body decides you need to eat and he had the influx I believe it's called a Rex and it makes you think okay your ravenous and you need to eat and you have a burst of energy simply to go out and find food and I was actually somewhat envious of those who had done the pole on is the control because the and including you that point time did not have the same drive to go out and just eat yeah you are fasting but at the same time your body seem to be tolerating all the better yeah what about fasting I actually after this article got published I realize another article just really got published with a look at the different fasting types in religion and we have Ramadan we've got Jan to pour a lot of similarities to similar with the Daniel fast we have lent which I'm Catholic but not delivered probably should be fasting in a more serious way here that but it's just interesting that the fasting is could be one of the easiest life hacks ever it's amazing that so many religions had that been are are based in insomuch a agent tradition that there are lots of things between religions that actually are incredibly similar and it also comes down to asking so the reason why this such a big deal is because I have my Crohn's and colitis patients and if you do have girls or colitis or annoying but it does please share this so that we can don't help everybody with this because I think a lot of doctors are talking of fasting and so I think my little hatch here who's going to be the fasting mimicking diet plus trying to heal for the polyphenol effect and we also know that he gets rid of the bad bacteria that's growing rich and big plus CBD which attenuates your immune system right could be the magic thing so I called Joe the CEO of Elder Troy and we got talking about this and he goes I want to come down to do the show let's talk and I'm like yes let's do this this is going be fantastic so we can have a whole episode dedicated to the faster mimicking diet and the science of it and you know how people can realize that it really kind of resets and it's an antiaging thing also so you can do from home this is it something it's going to require someone to go out and get a prescription only to prescription to do a fasting and a condign somebody's have to schedule a time to do it and then commit to it and then I would imagine you being a guest urologist to be C70 make those kinds of improvements that's really all you want is the best for your patient and if they can handle that on their own and escape disease it's a win for everyone as natural natural to do it so being vultures studies it's really exciting because what he showed is it is antiaging it is anti-inflammatory and was really fun is that he also so that you have to re-feed so once you do that and you you have the discipline to do those five days of decreased cowgirl of calories and using the fast mimicking diet when you start re-feeding it is awesome because and he also show that if you do it three times in a year that is equivalent to doing ketogenic diet year-round so now that he showed that in different animal models also so for those who at their key billing manager if you struggling as many who don't struggle but if you are struggling maybe this is not turned the computer I have done it and I have fallen off of it and got back on and fallen off it's and get it's not the hot again not the hardest thing ever but the discipline to stay there if you have a family I'm anything you cook for kids then that's not what they want to do is difficult Joe Rogan had Dr. Addie on how dark a joke and I prepare the both of them to deliver talk about the how they just can't rule their diets by making humor and jelly sandwiches for the kids to cut off the crust and Joe just would just eat the crust off the course so I did that also so every time I done Quito I would I would lapse without trying to lapse I would end up doing dirty Quito church where I would build despite outspent direct all is much as I want and then later be like well sure I can have this bowl of rice yeah what you know it with but with Quito if I member correctly you are talking about lab results even on yourself that where Ed there is advantages to doing keto but if you end up doing like he called a dirty keto you might actually failure your desired results off because your body has been moved to doing fats and you've basically thrown in this carbohydrate in talk about that quick so I didn't I like to do so one of my problems in working probably get into that little bit with Sean when he comes on when I do something I go all way way so I'll try it's all just go Quito and then over period of time I didn't realize I was that I drew I'd listen to a bent wrinkle podcast like oh I need to have lentils now is or whatever you know you name it and I totally forget that that's going on so my functional medicine doctor his name is Kevin Wilson here in town and you know he practices antiaging functional medicine she took my blood and called me up his like what have you been doing and course what we were doing is messing with my diet that I'm experimenting with different supplements because were trying to develop more products right and I'm not really paying attention that I'm doing everything at once at the same time sure and all of a sudden he just like your heard labs are messed up buddy commitments and talking alike is what you been doing I was like you have enough time I been doing it all. I'm just everything that it makes it difficult to find out but that's for sure but I will say it every single thing that you have recommended to patient for long as I've known you you've tried it on yourself first I have 100% done that so I have always done it that this is this is not new I remember being a medical student and I was in Lexington Nebraska running the ER at night so I was like the only person awake in Lexington Nebraska at the time and I decided to teach myself how to do an IV on myself which is hard especially first time so let's see I've tried to stick an NG tube down myself that didn't work so well I live but I've done an art I did an arterial line on myself one time that's ridiculous yeah that's not don't don't do that don't do any of this is a matter if I don't do any but I'm just saying that I will do it so that you don't have to share pain of an arterial line is about tenfold of any intravenous line I had left there was a comment on my YouTube channel yesterday where you I posted my colonoscopy online yeah over on YouTube don't do that either and I was awake but it's hilarious actually texted the text this morning with this Abby somebody in the UK said and you'll notice that nobody cares about your but were all looking to screen his writings always get nervous that I don't you see my butt and she pointed out the second he said that Abby looked at my butt and I I've never noticed that so colonoscopy everything so if I'm not you… Come down with everything I really would never I want to try things on myself then I do a case series with patients and then I have data to tell people I was a look this will happen to me this is this group of 20 people over here that were working with athletic Crohn's and colitis communities so near and dear to my heart because I'm using a lot of different things I've seen success with them sure and don't forget the reason why we are doing a check project is to talk about caving the health which was born out of the idea of taking what you find out in the clinic are you going from anecdotal to applied science and to find out how we can actually help people absolutely and so this is cool were coming down to the I guess the bottom of the hours and the rate of the Patrick is that what you say bottom of the hour the bottom of the hour I'm trying to give 30 seconds but apparently I don't how to make a three and is okay since I can call the fountain outside 20 feet away hate that Sean Brian first at whatever you guys 11 I wish you could go some facial is take the pain out of ordering your diabetic testing supplies with diet Thrive diatribe ships the testing supplies you need directly to you when you need them best of all with plan starting as low as eight dollars a month diatribe is probably going to cost you less than what you're paying today diatribe is so convinced that you love their service they're offering your first month of supplies free simply type the Kodak DOC and checkout diet Thrive.com 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in your body produces it in the Mediterranean diet that when taken concentrated amounts it will actually make you feel fuller and boost your metabolism I lost about 10 pounds so far is immune amazing ballet school company said we can take this to market to make this great product will help you it's called grid you zone our IDU zone.com our IDU zone.com Brad's work that were comrades work for me countless other people go to read you zone.com and try today you're gonna love it read you zone.com remember that our IDU zone.com okay we're back back to the second half hour of get check project episode number two and now we are joined with our first ever guessed this is Sean Bryant Sean Salo yeah you guys doing today doing well so when Eric and I would talk about our first guest I just sent out I don't care what we talk about but I want somebody with a beard yeah I started this in eighth grade just just just fill in the patch exactly yeah when I turned 30 I look just like there some very proud of my beard for this is Sean Bryant is VP of operations at Greentree medical and you are headed the cultivation division also known as Ogier and Greentree medical and no gear was located in Oklahoma just north of Bert Burnett across the Red River Craig yes sir and you also have a on-site medical dispensary called alternative medicine great yes we do alright well tell us a little bit about what goes on yeah I think it's as one of the coolest things is your background I personally am so intrigued by that so I would like you to stop in the beginning okay well I grew up in agricultural family my parents had big textbased company in Paris Texas and so not really didn't know what I wanted to do when I graduated high school but I had a passion for pharmacy in biology so I got a Texas Tech University and I majored in pharmacy there which was the biology program then I change my major switched over to agriculture fell in love with the horticulture and and I did a lot of research at East Texas State University and Texas A&M commerce on the cotton plant graduated then I became a bag teacher built greenhouses taught kids how to grow went straight into administration became a principal did that for 20 years and love working with people so when my son graduated high school and my daughter she's a but to be a junior it Texas state and that's when I was like you know what I'll I am ready to chase my passion so Oklahoma June 26 they passed their full medical cannabis program and my wife and I were celebrating our 25th anniversary in Arkansas and we talked about 10 miles that day and I was tired she was in bed in the cabin no TV in I just typed up a quick Craigslist ad and I found three guys that were had little to no knowledge of cannabis and how we can use that in the medical field and we made a great connection and I started working with them and that's where I am right now that's awesome so I've known you for quite some time for disclosure my wife hot for you you are the first one the harder when she was a math teacher so I seen Sean is a principal I've seen him as an assistant superintendent of the school district that was down in Texas and I've seen you much like you can whenever Sean decides to do something a Zollo a.m. date from welding to out sing the guards that you value had outback from your house all the vegetables you raise chickens how did you decide that there was a need to go you told me the cell years ago there is a need for people to be able to explore the real practical application yet far beyond the psychoactive aspects of cannabis there are people out there that have a need how you decide that this is a way did you make it happen you know it really I'm researching cannabis and I'm learning about it and I'm sharing this with other people and getting into dialogue with them and these people people that I worked with people that I Matt in a prohibition state of Texas they or one of their family members had a dire need and we started discussing know-how cannabis could help them with a medical issue and so I kind of took on the position of a caregiver by being able to share information that that I gained from from research and keep in mind you know now Dr. Brown can do research and in the public but before it was something that we would just do you know talking to our friends will how did this work with you what were the facts doing a how did you feel that this you know work with this particular ailment but now were able to discuss more freely so you know that that's kind of how I Mr. quick question so you and your scientist by nature I mean with a background in pharmacology and then horticulture and then you are an educator so that your primary start of your foundation is in science then education then you get into this industry with her so much misinformation Howdy how did you approach that were you realize it's up to him you know it's almost like your moral obligation to try and get through all the clutter because that is your back on the minutes if somebody looked at you and said all I could totally see him in the cannabis industry but they didn't realize that you were a principal or rot yet just researching and educating people you know in our dispensary right now when you have a patient come in they don't know what to ask for date they they may think I need this strong marijuana that's got 30% THC but but what we do is we work with them and and let them know that that is not always the answer but you say what you say why are there instead starting check that by now some had a question about medicine and if the physician recommended to them and they don't have time to get those answers that they may have the questions outside face and said they'll go to a pharmacist and then asked the question they cannot take this with this this is just given to me is that this style of y'all that you basically interacting with people and they come in your trying to help steer them toward something that would work yeah so like the way our medical program works in Oklahoma basically you communicate with your physician hey I would like to try medical cannabis as an alternative or with your method of treatment that were currently doing and the doctor would write you basically it's not a prescription for cannabis but it's it's an okay that you can get your medical card and then you come to the dispensary and that is where we want to work with you know the patient's to find out what part of their system is is out of balance and what we need to do to help them get out get back into balance is there a term for that person Soto would like you said pharmacist sure if I go to Colorado was that since little bit more bold is the return when I walked in I need to speak with the well a lot of people call them bartenders that term came about you know right when medical and recreation and they tended the buds that were in the jars and and no new a little bit about each particular product that was in the jar sure now caregivers are though we don't act as the caregiver for that individual patient we are caregivers and so we are providing you know data and information to the patient and let them make their decision and I all white because a lot of times a patient will come in and you know asked that will what will this do if I'm taking Flexeril or if I'm taking hydrocodone or if I'm taking antibiotic you know I always suggest tell your doctor and and let me take you guys this is a trick here it's it's really neat so you go to the doctor with the stomachache normally you go and you visit with the nurse for 10 minutes takes your pulse your blood pressure then the doctor comes in and you know you spend 10 minutes maybe 15 depending on your situation or if you need a rectal in my case abstractly and that's when I stay 30s but know if you if you bring up the topic of CBD bring up the topic of the cannabinoids and tell that to your doctor say hey I'm I've been doing some research here let me take that Dr. is going to sit there for I may not had an hour conversation and the doctor has 10 patients lining up outside waiting to see him or her and he spending his time with me because he is craving this information sure he were sent from a not want to know what he knows I want to bounce ideas you know off of him and and see how I can battle better either handle my own situations or with other patients that I'm dealing with what I would say though even here in Texas where it's not legal yet because you know that but I see almost daily it seems like the openness is is there people willing to discuss something that maybe even just three years ago what going into depth on do you do you find that depositions in Oklahoma are starting to become more embracing now that it's it's legal for them to have this as an avenue yeah most definitely there was a little bit of fear in the very beginning with with doctors they thought that they would be labeled as the cannabis doctor or the lack some of them are the opioid doctor you know which doctor you could go to to get you know drugs like that can and so they there there were some that were reluctant to to even embrace that idea you know it if you if if you're discussing your health with your doctor and you know they do not embrace cannabis in my opinion I would I would want to second I would want to second opinion I'd want to talk to to another doctor what he authors like to chemically so your gastro neurologist here in Texas licensed here and I saw you specifically decide there has to be there has to be something behind the science of the CBD so comparing what Sean's talking about what a physician would have to do to to move into this movement where it's not legal what allowed you to be able to open up and say I want to find out more for the benefit of my patients so we touch on this last week Sean I just I had no knowledge the Endo cannabinoid system I don't alter CBD marijuana I was so whenever somebody is ignorant to it I don't judge at all because I just recently started learning all of this and what change my mind was I went to a conference and I bought a case very expensive CBD at retail price now I'm angry at the company but whatever should be a discount but I gave away my patients and I just waited and when almost all of them came back that I need more that's when I knew that okay there's something to this then since that over the last three years all I've been doing is looking at the science of this and of course there's not enough of research in the United States because of these different regulations and stuff but I'm seeing clinical evidence was why get so excited when we sit here talking I'm I'm thinking when you said much like the pharmacist right dear old Seinfeld episode where it I can't member who was but basically the doctor prescribed something to go to the pharmacy the pharmacist goes I wouldn't do that you do change the spelling of who had more power the doctor the pharmacist I say us three do a little YouTube skipper I'm the Endo Kanab and all adjust I hear the bartender to be the patient, recommend a certain strain and guilt for what I would do that would be a playoff of that but that really is kind words that's where the science is going with this that's what's so exciting when if a patient comes in so I went and visited your store this weekend to right next to Wichita Falls where was and Steve there was told he goes you know what's amazing is the people walking 20-year-old saying only get sweet you know old people with chains and their struggling and there like I'm the real goes here's what peers or to do for you this is awesome and video so when I realize I'm making this what Steve told me girls I realize I'm now making a difference and people's health goes I feel what you probably would and the medicine for which is to change people's lives exactly and and were surrounded by some huge military bases in Wichita Falls and in Lawton and a lot of our customers they they do not by the cannabis that contains THC they preferred the cannabis that contains CBD the high percentage of CBD and little to 0% THC you know with CBD it is it is new to me also as far is it the benefits it is huge very huge you mentioned the Endo cannabinoids system and you know I've kind of in my mind broke the broke medical patients down into into three different categories ABC a being where I want to feed my Indo cannabinoids system I'm healthy I feel good I work out I walk so, preventative it's it's kind of a preventative and then be moving into a patient that that has an element of whether it's a backache or or a inflammatory science laboratory exactly and then all the way up to our need of severe cancer and the end things where you're you're really going to have to to wage a major war with with CBD but yet that our patients that come into our facility even though you could command if you got your medical card I can sell you 3 ounces of gorilla glue which is a cannabis strain I haven't done that I have not I have an 82-year-old man that pulls up and he will buy CBD flower which is it CBD but cannabis contain CBD and THC this strain of cannabis contains 16% CBD and like .3% THC and that's what this guy buys an and loves it he he could buy no THC but the CBD is making different table does make a huge difference Steve our manager and Bud tender you know I asked him I should tell me what you think because he said cannabis user and he he picked up this bottle and he said I take it what it does for me he said in the evening I'll take a eyedropper input under my tongue and hold it my mouth for for five minutes and then I'll swallow it swallows it he digested he goes to bed he said that when he wakes up in the morning that his whole body just feels rejuvenated pop truck got up out of bed he's he's ready to go take on the day that's what CBD does in your neuromuscular system it it if you're already in that number one zone where you're just maintaining it it helps keep a you say homeostasishomeostasis it just keeps a nice even level balance at our level in your in your body and that way you you feel great when you wake up and and then other systems will start to fall into place like I want to get into it also is a move to the show is really heavy for another hour but there there are differences in CBD and when you get it and was labeled a CPD exactly and before forget X1 ass one thing you said that you are surrounded by military bases yes are these are the servicemen coming in getting good grief yes most definitely an and you know when youth historically you know a lot of our servicemen you know they coming with PTSD and and you think of PTSD as we know from guys that the comeback promote a war-torn country and Anna and they've seen some crazy stuff and and they're trying to deal with that and that is that is very true but how huge our military is there there are things that have happened in the military it could be just having a car wreck you know that is traumatizing to you while your own active duty and and so these guys you know they're there looking for ways to to deal with you know PTSD and emotional issues so one of the things we talked about that out my goal would be this you guys beating the people that are selling CBD and selling other marijuana products you can't make any disease claims what I want to do is get research so you can have published articles 1 of the things Dr. Col. Philip Blair is also a doctor of is the medical director at Alexa and also our CBD is powered by licks and always the medical director there he actually published a case series with CBD and its effect on PTSD is a full bird colonel that realize the benefits of CBD and is now working for CBD company and still seeing patients and collecting data and so were to bring him down and he's he's in a come on in the next month yeah what I really want to do it so he so knowledgeable about that and is also knowledge about the other thing that unfortunate happens in war which is traumatic brain injury and he's actually published something on TV guys and we were talking about possibly setting up a CME meeting so doctors need certain minor credits at my hospital door trauma surgeons because I really believe that a protocol of doing high dose DHA plus CBD at the first impact of any type of dramatic brain injury recent article just got published route showed that unfortunately they did autopsies on the boys that were 16 to 19 that had played football but it had shown in these they were there were unfortunately killed from other circumstances but they they are now looking at the brains looking for CTE and are already showing signs of CTE from just high school right so we know that this TBI thing is huge and I just love it that we have like a full bird colonel who is a doctor willing to embrace it you're talking about it surrounded by military bases it's a perfect marriage is a like-minded think is this essentially what you talk about Sean whenever your wanting to help he would've come to you for that help you want to give guidance that you have it's not just anecdotal I think this'll work this is it's it's this works for this ailment we want to help you just like you said you're not selling the gorilla glue to somebody just because it's profitable to you you want to got into something's gonna make him feel better that's the whole purpose right exactly and you know back on the Indo cannabinoids system the way this the CBD works it just kind of columns some of these receptors I guess it it it if if there's something that for instance on PTSD my wife was attacked by a dog about two years ago we were done in San Marcus best in our daughter and a big bull mastiff Jehovah God are yet Torah but Karen carries on a baking sheet for so it's not her fault I was a bacon on me know if done nervously if you're baking carrier don't want grandson Mark yeah well now you know she has a phobia of just dogs but there are times that I look at her whenever somebody if were in Denton walking around where it's a dog friendly town in here comes this guy with his tiger stripe pit bull that's a sweet dog she kinda moves next to me in and she is having some anxiety and CBD is a product that really does help with that and if if if we know that were going to go to Denton she'll consume some CBD and that will you know help help your wife as long as I know you and Karen is never been a skittish or anxious person and I remember that incident quite vividly and you and you're right I arrived I've heard her comment that it's unfortunate for her that that now is something that's a blemish on an experience but I've also heard her comment that Seabees actually helped her not have is anxious. Whenever we meet chal for dinner out then there are yeah and I and you know the Indo cannabinoids system goes all the way down to think 600 million years ago you know it was in little squids and and sea creatures and and still is in most of the animals today and dogs you know there are a lot of people that will buy this product CBD do not give your animals THC please don't but CBD does help with skin conditions with animals with anxiety with animals one of the number one top sellers in Colorado right now are these pet products dog biscuits yeah I see this all the time of my patients they will deftly spend the money to treat her pants and not uncommonly will not have the money for their own medicines right but they will make sure that the pets are the words on my PTSD I'm looking at all the articles were going to be publishing here soon we've got autism and CBD we got CBD and IBD we got a full review of the end of cannabinoid system working to do PTSD and CBD in these blogs are all about science with references so that you can just hand them to people go oh here's this you look at were not making a claim but you can do your own homework just like you did were you felt that moral obligation to get out there and be a caregiver now you are actually going to have to educate in a way without making claims in my opinion is as a doctor the best way to do it and as an educator is to give references exact this is not my opinion this is just based on these this whole process to bring up Dr. Blair's name again that's actually one of his biggest calls is how do I end up taking my research and make it more applicable to the VA and to the basis because these are the gentlemen who are fighting for our country abutting a lot of the line and often times and they go to that system that machine the options are limited theirs is not it is obviously not of counseling the talk button and in the news today but oftentimes it's just to the prescriptive therapies and not to CBD that actually could be making a difference one yeah absolutely I was just talking to him we were I have a friend in Rich Hagedorn back in Omaha he's a retired 30 years in the military and him and a group of guys have started a alcohol company called soldier volley liquor and we would talk about that how they give back to the servicemen and I'm like when we got have done show we'll talk about this I think the veterans are one of our biggest populations that we can really help and I didn't even realize that you're surrounded by military bases where they are they are seeking you out exactly right yeah and and and were therefore we we want to help on the the side effects are just zero that I've seen with using CBD and compared to what they have received from the VA hospitals that cause horrible horrible side effects in these guys they they realize that they're there saying that their spouses are saying that and so they're looking for you know some some treatment that will help them mean everything were talking about comes down to inflammation PTSD information is hyper firing of nerves inflammatory bowel disease the fast mimicking diet that help these mice that is an autoimmune issue what I really would like to do this next part of the shows let's geek out I mean you got a background we can get into the end of cannabinoid system let's clear up some of the confusion let's talk about the other things full-spectrum terpenes blob about the sound sciences but let's let's bring back to level so that when someone walks in your store they listen to this or you can recommend them to listen to it there you know what they're getting just a resale because we are reaching the top of our or just a moment but this is Sean Brian's he is the vice president of operations for alternative medicine newly opened here in Oklahoma and as any other job websites yet we do have on our Instagram is Okie okay I_earth and we also have alternative medicine okay to grant alternative medicine okay on Instagram will see here in just a moment for the next hour also it's funny shows on-demand at spoony.this is the only 24 hour take anywhere platforms dedicated to food and fun career spoony this hour from Townhall.com, editors hope you have at least some information from the black boxes of the doomed Ethiopian jetliner by days end those devices now being analyzed by experts in France here the US FAA acting administrator Daniel Elwell says his agency had to investigate for ordering all 737 Max jetliners grounded it is in our minds now link that is close enough to ground airplanes he was on NBC's today show a former Texas congressman joins a growing field of Democrats vying for the parties 2020 presidential nomination Democrat Betty O'Rourke became a political sensation during his 2018 bid to unseat Texas Sen. Ted Cruz find ourselves by who or what we are getting sore afraid he lost by about 3% but was immediately mentioned for higher office Texas political analyst Jay Iris is more than 20 other Democrats are eyeing the White House works already mobilized younger voters and raised to record money with alive and gritty social media presence of work spends three days now campaigning in Iowa I'm Jackie Quinn as the British Parliament launches into its latest fracture debate president from promising enhanced trade with the UK if and when it leaves the European Union as the UK struggles with bricks at the president is holding out the promise of negotiating a large-scale trade deal with the United Kingdom he tweets the potential is unlimited it's not the first time that Mr. Trump has suggested this last month he told reporters that the US is going to be increasing its trade with the UK very substantially as time goes by White House correspondent Greg Clarkson Wall streets the Dow is down about 24 points the S&P 500 index off to NASDAQ fraction higher one of the stories Townhall.com fast-track student loans can get your student loans out of the vault stop any wage garnishments stop collection calls and stop seizure of your tax refund give yourself a break to stop the stress and get your student loan payments down to as little as $25 a month based on what you can afford to pay 800-709-4395 800-709-4395 800-709-4395 800-709-4395 are you tired of high cable-TV rates sign up for dish today and get a $500 bonus offer while supplies last loss lock in your price for two years guaranteed call All-American – your dish authorized retailer now 800-570-6630 800-570-6630 that's 800-570-6630 offers required location 20 from early termination fee at the automaker church and supply call for details have you done it you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror I'm I'm one of those people you don't want to see naked I yeah most of us but I mean you look and you're going to die I don't get whatever all it's horrible hey that's Doc Townsend and Brad Staggs to tell you about a different way to shed those pounds this is brand-new technically been around for a couple years or so it was based on research from the University of California that said there is a molecule called OEA that's found naturally in your body produces it in the Mediterranean diet that when taken concentrated amounts it will actually make you feel fuller and boost your metabolism I lost about 10 pounds so far is a mere amazing Valley school company said we can take this to market to make this great product will help you it's called would you zone our IDU zone.com are IDUs zone.com Brad's work does work for Brad's work for me countless other people go to read you zone.com and try today you're going to love it read you zone.com remember that our IDU zone.com hello and now we're going to start our number two episode number two we are still joined here by Sean Ryan of alternative medicine vis-à-vis the operations of that and that will clear and just a quick reminder start of second hour if you are interested in picking up your own are trying to heal just go to love my tummy.com/spoony use discount code spooning for some savings for yourself and then of course if you want to check out KB MD health CVD you can also go to KB MD okay BMD health.com or maybe somewhere else you go extra you could come over to Oklahoma and pick up some KB CBD oil when we saw this product in our store when when Eric and I met I immediately fell in love and and the first thing that that jumped out at me was you know having Dr. Brown's name on the bottle so many of our patients that command our dispensary that's the first thing that they asked is not what a doctor what a doctor recommend this what is what would end in a lifetime just kind of funny they say what would my doctor say about me using this and that's when I'm likable don't talk to your doctor tell your doctor what you want to do ask your doctor but this particular product that's backed up with with research and an extensive studies we we wanted to be a part of this we wanted this on our shelves the the other thing that that really jumped out at me is how this product was made how it was manufactured how they did the extraction process y'all use a process called supercritical CO2 extraction so cannabinoids and that are on the Kent cannabis plant they are oil soluble and they are alcohol soluble and so historically they would use some nasty chemicals like butane and propane and they would blast that gas which in a liquid form through through the cannabis extract the the all of the cannabinoids and then try to remove some of the petroleum products from that crude oil and in California they do a hunt of testing on that and California is not happy with the trace petroleum products that are still in the considered a contaminant behind it is a contaminant and some of the extraction method they actually feel that that is the containment sure can be yes alcohol so another way to extract from a cannabis plant you can take and back in the day they use things like acetone in isopropyl alcohol's and and some alcohols that that work food grade like Everclear for instance hundred 90 proof Everclear that can be used to extract cannabinoids from my cannabis plant and and do a full CBD extraction now they tried to evaporate that alcohol that that's also an end they can't sure he can't get all it all out yeah I have taken not this product but I've taken other CBD tinctures that staying real bad under my tongue some people like that staying Carlock taking of shot of vodka over you know some type of alcohol drink for me I do not consume alcohol I find it not not always II use to like alcohol but I I don't like it anymore and when I'm treating a patient I don't want to recommend a CBD tincture that has alcohol in it or other nasties in it I want to recommend a clean extracted product that use supercritical CO2 let me answer the question have you seen certain products that said possibly CO2 extraction put on your tongue burns basically mislabeling gallery itself is a little bit wild West right now most definitely met and you know I've had patients come to us and say yeah we bought this said at the jiffy mark down the road in and it doesn't work it doesn't do anything in and I look at it and you know a lot of these products were were made in India or in China and hey guys I it may be the real thing but these guys and and we have other CBD lines in our store also that are that we know the growers trip and just like your guys we we know where this plant came from we know that it was tested we know that it was tested for pesticides we know that that you know it was tested for levels of THC or CBD or other cannabinoids that are in it when I talked to Steve last week whenever we were entertaining the idea of moving KB MD CVD to I alternative medicine Oklahoma the very first question he said is we can't shelve this without a authenticated COA certificate of analysis and can you may want to talk about this why did you partner with Alexa and all-knowing it that there were certain parameters that you knew you had to meet so knowing that the industry itself so let's back up and just look at the supplement industry so my my initial background was in clinical research during pharmacologic studies and then I Neil found a few holes there we figured out we could do something natural to fix people and that's how we develop doctrine until once I get in touch until I realized holy cow the this industries people mislabeling their making claims or doing things so knowing that if I was really get into the CBD aspect of medicine I just wanted to make sure that I went with a company that was completely on the up and up very open and make sure that they had complete sourcing it was an organic farm they could naturally extract which of the supercritical CO2 extraction and religious source to one company so they have complete control of everything and that was a little and the been very happy that I've partnered with them in when you talk to the CEO when we have lunch with Gabe the people that are doing the right thing they want help each other out so they're there all about if you want to do CW Charlotte's Web do that CBD line is lying as he lines another one wherever it was like yeah let's just all were not in competition the good the people that are doing the right stuff or not competition with each other there there to educate and that's why want to part with little there were very open about church said yeah we just want to do this and that's why they want to part with me because they know that I want to be publishing lots of clinical data on this yes so at another big thing that Stephen also let me know is that we have to have CBD's that is full spectrum that we had on this a little bit last week and we can get into a little bit about what full spectrum of what the entourage effect is what you learn some words like terpene's final cannabinoids. Full spectrum and then talk a little bit about somebody who may appear reputable doing things like isolates but what limitations are on that so Sean start you what is it mean for something to be a full-spectrum product within your your dispensary yeah and people that have researched using cannabinoids to treat their ailments that that's the first thing that they asked for they want a full spectrum CBD and it it it it is very beneficial because all of these can I have annoyed CBN CBD and CBG and even THC they all work with each other and and that's why having a full spectrum product here extract it is very very beneficial I just I feel like that it's the way that these cannabinoids work with each other to to address your problem so it we had last week we talked about drugs that have been formed down to isolate said actually underperformed compared to what it was they were they were designed to build a home Otilio told me GW pharmaceuticals's, who are hidden@gwpharmaceuticalsaddress.fda approval for PDO lacks direct appeal something like that something like that that I got approved for seizures it is a CDD isolate what is interesting without republishing more there is a great example because I'm not a neurologist but as gas are all just they did try to look at that particular isolate in ulcerative colitis and ended up having a big dropout rate due to side effects I don't see side effects when I use the full spectrum right not all and will and in talking about full-spectrum hit on a little bit also but to you today different cannabinoids as well as another word terpenes so tripping profile can actually mean something and this is this is great for you because we had talked about where is the science going so CVD is new everyone the ECS is not being taught in medical school and that's a brand-new frontier for a lot of people to talk about but how do you know what CBD combinations going to work for you could actually be decent some differentiation in doing that so much going to walk all through this to you Sean so one of the things that I been either the tunnel reading and when you start looking at some of these people who are PhD's in the writing about this it gets pretty high level it's like any other specialty I'm a casserole dish I spent three extra years learning the got just got the version of the Endo Canavan all adjust procedure and looking at all just because the science is getting so dialed in and one of the things it's really interesting is that different combinations may do different things for different people so we talk about the disease state when someone comes in and says shot I got my back I got sciatica can you help me with that that kind of thing so I think that the terpenes are terpenes are in every plant and it it's what you smell not tomato plan has terpenes is an oil it I don't know if it's in oil but it is a component you know in their structure but it does have a smell to it most terpenes do the thing that just blows my mind these guys that manufacture lactate the vape cartridges and this is the easiest way to try to understand terpenes and how they can affect the way or change the way I can have annoyed's informed you that they you can do a full extraction of THC and CBD and you can take a terpene like why mean for instance and add to that extraction you can consume that and have a completely different effect then if you added a blueberry terpene to that extraction was the island versing yes obeyed immersing is one of them that they look that word they have shown that if you have a higher concentration of beta mercy that crosses the blood brain barrier and it brings CBD with it so if you've got a brain issue maybe we need to start using higher immersing levels Piper Ian I think is the other one that's more for joint inflammation like relearning about this is a brand-new science and Sarandon is so exciting and it's gonna take people with the pharmacy background people mean that's why love what you're doing and when you have this educator background is a science and you're bringing all that into this new space that needs to be cleared up that's what we have in the show to talk about the stuff yeah and seizure patients for instance they may take a they may get a perfect dial in profile of medicine that they're taking and it works so let's say I'm having 10 seizures a day and this is working great after about a month or two they may start having one or two seizures a day and then three months later they may have three or four in anger stuff doesn't work or I'm have built up a tolerance to it that's where I call it resetting the cannabinoids clock making little subtle changes with terpenes to the same profile that that works for you the same ratio of CBD and CBN and CBG that works for you in treating your seizures but I need to reset the way that is working with my Indo can have annoyed system if that makes sense so by making a small change with a terpene they have found that it resets that clock and that seizure patient now is medicated and able to go through the day without having one seizure and then after a period of time they reset that clock in and and start over so it that's why it in our medical profession I cannot wait till all of our doctors will sit down with the patient instead of just signing the piece of paper and synonym to the dispensary because the other thing you know were lucky to have Stephen in our dispensary I mean we really are truly blessed I had a patient come in the other day that had gone to a another dispensary that had two ladies that were retired kindergarten teachers that were working at the dispensary in you know they had no idea what was in this model innovate they just knew that it was this process and you know for the same reason the matters we get to CVD are probably matters on his help guide you to listen work for so when I run into whenever I see anybody there's quite a few multilevel marketing companies which are try to get into the CBD industry and what I have seen is that if I go to like a tradeshow or something the have a booth I'll just walk up to me like what's this and listen to what they say and everyone that I've encountered doesn't really understand it and are just throwing the words out and try to do the skills you need this this is the is isolate this is this it's got a full terpene spectrums or will we limit so isolate nursing turbine spectrum dual turbine is no and let my kids laugh because of the accident happened about five times Robbie will tell me more know you wrong that is it just education thing but if you're just trying to move some stuff there ever is using these words like did you heard the term broad-spectrum so broad-spectrum is a marketing term is no such thing as each of the broad-spectrum and I cannot find it fascinating that that's catching on, the Joe dirt style of selling the difference tween blue sky pasta Dragon just does well Doug number one thing that we look for is you now want to know how the medicine was made I want to know where the cannabis came from and I want to know that it was tested and that's why I can't always recommend going and buying this on eBay this on that you stay online for $5.99 in and think it is really going to it it may hurt you your point is now I want to hear your horticultural background how you guys grown up their local well it's funny because you know going into this you know I'm res

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57 - The Importance or Exercise When Getting Clean and Sober

Real Recovery Talk

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 7, 2019 38:25

energy stress coffee exercise crossfit sober exercising pot improves relapse opiates seroquel

Taking seroquel the down fall

Shes bipolar and wild

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 2, 2019 7:14

The side effects of medication . --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/tajmonay-allen/support