A Lifetime of Hallmark

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back to talk about the biggest stories of the week, the protests in Los Angeles and Mariah Carey making a surprise appearance at The Eagle (you'll never think of the song “Hero” in quite the same way). Plus, Les tells us about his experience at an official Hallmark FYC event and Kurt has big Blac Chyna news! Then it's time to head to the farm in Lifetime's “A Kidnapping in Amish Country” which features an epically bad beard, a villain whose nastiness has nothing to do with the plot of this movie, and a very considerate car thief. It may be idolatrous to categorize your dolls by their dress color, but it is not idolatrous to choose between a beej and a finger.      Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason have been MIA for a month, so Elsbeth got on the case to find out where they've been (Bikini Katie says Hi to Kurt!). After celebrating the birth of Blac Chyna, the guys take a look at CBS's Elsbeth. After Les has been singing the praises of the lady detective, he finally asked/forced Kurt and Jason to watch an episode featuring a Lifetime-esque black hoodie AND Hallmark-esque fake royalty. And a transnational terror cell of princesses. And least Elsbeth is rave ready at a moment's notice.   Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com 

Les, Kurt, and Jason fall into one of 3 distinct categories of people for this week's movie: podcasters, people in an open MRI, and people in assisted living, huzzah! But the guys would rather talk about other things like Tokyo Toni's 5 (or is it 6) marriages, and her ex John E. Depth. Mr. Depth may be poking at Les' opening at Circus of Books (but not in the same way Maya Angelou poked Jason on Facebook). The guys do eventually talk Hallmark's Signed, Sealed, and Delivered: To the Moon and Back which is apparently part of a series of movies that they have somehow never heard of (despite the series' existence since 2014)… and they were not impressed despite the presence of Gregory Harrison and Eric Mabius. But when you have a bunch of seemingly coked-up postal workers who are DRUNK with power and Yoo-hoo (but not mimosas), all you get is some genuine government corruption and waste and some misguided advice from Kurt about where to defecate.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start recording after Les is distracted by husbands who hate their actor wives. Then we learn that Kurt wants to give the White Lotus lady boy speech at his class reunion and Les bout a book about veganism autographed by Linda Blair in the 90's. Plus Jason questions why there is Blac Chyna news about why she doesn't need to share news about herself. Then, it's time to go down into the airtight bunker of Lifetime's Sins of My Husband. Is the Park Ranger Academy for the Dramatic Arts handing out a bunch of PhD's during this movie? Hell yes, and one of them is going to a Coolio-quoting gay Bela Legosi and his crank!   Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start the show on their fourth try only to immediately get sidetracked talking about Haley Joel Osment's arrest and Jason's VERY unpopular opinions about The Breakfast Club. Then Kurt reveals that he's made some progress with his quest to get Natalia Grace on the show (something Les is fully onboard with, too). In Blac Chyna news, Tokio Toni really just wants to make some beats, so she opens up her home and it doesn't end well. Then, it's time to set the table for Hallmark's Hearts Around the Table: Kiki's Fourth Ingredient, a movie which doesn't feature Edith from All and the Family or Weezie from the Jeffersons but does feature Natalie from The Facts of Life (Mindy Cohn). Have yourself a snack, whether that's Kurt's Tater Tot Casserole, some disgusting chocolate zucchini muffins, or some popcorn immediately after giving yourself a manicure.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason haven't stopped referencing the Hulu limited series Good American Family about the family that adopted Natalia Grace, so this week they decided to actually watch an episode for the podcast! But first, Les started texting EVERYONE to let them know about his perfect colon (obviously), and Kurt has some Blac Chyna news… as well as some Donny Most news! Plus, Jason vision boards his dream lineup of guests for the podcast: an episode featuring Blac Chyna, Natalia Grace, and the Pornhub math guy. Then it's time to spill some seed, rock out to Hey Soul Sister, and meet a young Zelda Rubinstein in the first episode of Good American Family. Let's just say the title is presumptious. But what the show may lack in “good execution” it makes up for with the speed of Florence Griffith Joyner, and the strength of Bam Bam Rubble doing parkour whilst eating pancake burritos on the beach.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason start things off from a tense place because Les was not prepared for what he'd experienced watching Hulu's “Good American Family” about the Natalia Grace / Zelda Rubenstein saga (which should have starred June Squibb). Then Kurt has Blac Chyna news about her giving back after the Eaton Fire… but Jason questions exactly WHAT she (and the charity and Access Hollywood) are actually doing to actually give back (nobody knows). Then it's time to walk the aisle with Lifetime's My Husband's Seven Wives which, according to the movie, opens a Pandora's box of bigamy. Suze Orman Tip: Don't have so many wives), but DO have access to a library that abruptly closes but is somehow always open.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Weaver, and Judy Kain Merge with Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, and Charles Barkley to Form Sisterhood, IncLes, Kurt, and Jason, quite inexplicably, forgot to talk about June Squibb on the Oscars, but do take a second to talk about Jason't Hairy Sussex. Then, Kurt's nightmares are haunted by smart little precocious girls thanks to Ellen Pompeo and Mark Duplass and Jason is thoroughly confused and intrigued by the animated movie about Charles Darwin, Jesus, and a (talking?) cat. Then it's time to get into Hallmark's Sisterhood, Inc. staring Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Wagner, and a twink but has nothing to do with joining a convent but is so efficiently filmed that it also could be used as foreign propaganda, B-roll for the show Severance, and effective footwear advertising.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by friend of the pod Jason Dubray of The Shelf Shedding Movie Show podcast (@the_shelf_shedding_movie_show), and the guys all have OPINIONS about The Academy Awards (but somehow neglected to talk about the fantastic June Squibb bit). Blac Chyna has been sober for 900 days, and that leads to a discussion about apps for tracking ones sobriety. Les saw a public proposal (gasp) at The Eagle (double gasp) in front of a crowd that was there to watch RuPaul's Drag Race (triple gasp). Then it's time to go down the rabbit (K) hole that is Held Hostage in My House, a 2024 movie that aired on Lifetime in Canada starring Amy Smart, Billy Zane, Ne-Yo, Greer Grammer, and a bunch of ants. So many ants. The main takeaway from the movie: there's a kids version of Uber. Don't forget to drop your hobo dinner recipes into the comments.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason were ready to rub the lamp, throw a coin in a fountain, or blow out a candle to conjure up SOMETHING from this week's movie, Hallmark's The Wish Swap, but so far they haven't had any traction. Blac Chyna is getting traction for an appearance on Piers Morgan's show, and Maya Rudolph is getting an apology from Kurt if Les and Jason have any say! Then it's time to wish that something happens in The Wish Swap, but the movie can't even produce simple details like a town where the movie is set, the last name of the host of a wildly popular television show, or an explanation as to why this show had no live audience. This would have benefitted tremendously from a good dose of Aunt Gert, but instead there's a lassoing at a farm montage that even Les couldn't get on board with. Somebody should have wished for another pass at the script.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with another episode and Les and Jason are happy to find out that Kurt has finally seen Wicked… until he shares his less than favorable opinion of the movie. Then, the Blac Chyna Report turns into a theology lesson… which itself turns into a deep dive into the #FreeWendyWilliams movement. Then, it's time to get Trapped in the Spotlight, a Lifetime movie that Jason believes is the dumbest movie they've ever watched for the podcast (and he loved it). In addition to the long-overdue return of chloroform, this movie has perfect hairstyle that Les may start rocking soon, and an architectural design that disregards the sound design needs of a recording studio in favor of lots of reflective glass and places to chain people up. If you're a fan of hidden messages that can can be easily seen in plain sight, then fire up your Microsoft Zune before Kurt gets cancelled.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are sweet on this week's Valentine's Day movie for successfully breaking from the typical Hallmark formula in so many ways. But first, TheGrapeJuice.net is your new second favorite source for Blac Chyna news (after this podcast), and they know that Tokyo Toni is stirring it up with GloRilla. Then, the guys hop in the (not) Uber of An Unexpected Valentine. This movie doesn't just extend Lacey Chabert's reign as the queen of Hallmark, it solidifies it even while straying from the norms: the entire movie takes place on a single day, in a big city, showing us in real time how the couple falls for each other. Grab your chocolate purse and be ready to accept the proposal before being mesmerized by fireworks.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are amping up for Oscar season by discussing more of the nominated movies they've seen… and this offering from Lifetime. But first, Blac Chyna is upset with Tristian Thompson referring to Dream as his daughter (which seems even more insane choking someone with a charging cable. Then, the guys get in the sandbox (figuratively, there definitely was no sandbox in this movie) to discuss Lifetime's My Sister's Serial Killer Boyfriend. Even if you're duped by a Danny J. Boyle, you'll immediately spot that this features graduate-level work from the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts that may finally solve why the cops in Lifetime movies never want to do their jobs: because they dumped after falling in love from bathroom sex.    Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt and Jason are back to check in with each other because there's been a lot going on… and because Les and Kurt finally saw Demi Moore's face in her butt (because they saw The Substance). If the same thing happened to Kurt, he thinks a dermatologist may want Kurt to explain why it happened… but Jason thinks that would most certainly be the dermatologist's job. Then the guys dream cast that the perfect face talking from our butts on this should should be Blac Chyna, who thinks that Cardi B should be talking of HER butt when it comes to Offset. Then, the guys are ready to talk about the 2020 Netflix movie Holidate. Les picked the movie thinking it would be very much in the wheelhouse of this podcast, but it turns out that Holidate is a broad hard R romantic comedy in which we get to see Kristen Chenoweth play very much against type, a father daughter dance at a wedding done to a very inappropriate song choice, and some very unnecessary bowel movement sound effects. This movie did not (despite some confusion) feature Ryan Gosling OR Erma Bombeck.   Bluesky: lifetimeofhallmark Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for their first show of 2025, but have to catch up on their time away and of course the Wildfires in Los Angeles. 2025 has been the longest year ever, and we're only halfway through January! Then Kurt delivers some Blac Chyna news that seems to point to there being plenty more Blac Chyna news for years to come! Then, even though the holidays are over, the guys are eager to talk about Netflix's Lindsay Lohan and Kristin Chenoweth movie Our Little Secret. Could the movie have handled Dementia a bit more sensitively? Sure! Does the movie feature Stranger Things in a passing of time montage that should have become a full-on Netflix sizzle real? Also sure! With Tim Meadows, Chris Parnell, Deby Reyes, and Dan Bucatinsky and a douchey 18-ish Ronan Farrow (ish), this one is worth a watch.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to welcome special guest Caryn Richman @carynrichman) to this week's show! Caryn isn't just a regular fixture in the Lifetime cinematic universe, she is also part of the Brady and Gidget cinematic universes, too. Yes, the guys have LOTS of Brady questions for her, and yes Caryn is absolutely delighted to answer them all! Plus, now Caryn knows where to go for all things Blac Chyna related! Then, they talk about 2023's Lifetime movie “A Nurse to Die For” which features some bad snooping, a bunch of burner phones being used to low-key audition for SNL, and Caryn in a truly badass role that actually sent her to the hospital in real life! This episode is a must listen!   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back their friend Kate Casey from the Reality Life with Kate Casey Podcast. Not only is Kate an expert in all things reality and unscripted, but she's also friends with the writer and one of the stars of this week's movie, Hallmarks' Deck the Walls! But first, Kate and Les tell Jason and Kurt about Later Daters, then everyone talks about those mysterious drones that may or may not be aliens buying supplies at HomeGoods. Then, this week's Blac Chyna news sparks the question: What's up with all of these celebrities allegedly trafficking people?!?! Then it's time to dig into the movie, and talk about how exciting to see a fellow podcaster (Danny Pellegrino hosts Everything Iconic) writing and starring in a big Hallmark movie, a longtime dream of his! Sure there are precocious kids that are a little extra, but there's also sexual tension through cable knit sweaters and talk of therapy! And, we also learn that Kurt used to read Dan Savage and that Kate does not like being ambushed by a musical number. So brown your creme brule with a lighter (not a blow torch), because you've got a movie to watch!   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason watched their first Lifetime movie this Holiday Season, but almost didn't get to talk about it (thanks Mercury in retrograde!) But first, Jason had a onesie party, and Les got a Magic Bullet while Jason got a Jesus Ouija board! Plus, someone from Les' church listens to our podcast, so they'll be happy to know that Tokyo Toni was stirring up drama in Kurt's Black Chyna Report, and Eric Roberts is stirring up drama in people's travel plans! Then, it's time to enter the kitchen for Lifetime's Make or Bake Christmas. Even with Vivica A. Fox, Jackee Harry, Meredith Thomas, Caryn Richmond, and Corin Nemec, this movie is unhinged in the expectation that the people in this movie should have any business running a business. But when you're a seasonal floater whose mom is excited that you're doing espionage, it's not exactly like you've had anyone setting good examples in your life.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason return to the Netflix holiday well again after last week's episode, this time for a look at The Merry Gentlemen. But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news about Tokyo Toni defending Puff Daddy seemingly only because the allegations against him are… not new. Then, the guys head to the The Rhythm Room to check out The Merry Gentlemen starring Chad Michael Murray, Britt Robertson, friend of the pod Meredith Thomas, Michael Gross, Beth Broderick, Marla Sokolof, and Maxwell Caulfield trying to navigate the insurance risks posed by a dancer with vertigo and stripper with a scalpel they way Meredith navigated a relationship with the guy that played Carla's husband on Cheers. Get ready to be blown away by elaborate bar graphs taped to a chalkboard as Kurt writes a supplemental Emmy-worthy scene for Meredith.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are officially in their tax season as it's now officially holiday movie time! But first, find out if Blac Chyna and Derrick Milano are signing a prenup and what someone named Suckafreeze thinks about it! Then it's time to talk about Netflix's latest salvo in the holiday movie viewership wars, Hot Frosty. Starring Hallmark royalty Lacey Chabert and Dustin Milligan (Ted from Schitt's Creek), this movie may be Lacy's Monster's Ball because of her character's mess of a housee (though they guys MAY be thinking of Charlize Theron's “Monster” instead for this analogy). With a supporting cast that includes Lauren Holly, Craig Robinson, and Joe Lo Truglio, and Crishell Stause, this movie is like Splash… but with medical records in Comic Sans.     Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason decide to tackle a Lifetime classic, 1996's Co-Ed Call Girl. While it didn't originate on Lifetime (it first aired on CBS), it became associated with Lifetime as it went into heavy rotation as Lifetime leaned into movies about women in peril. Khloe Kardashian may be in peril after allegedly throwing shade at Blac Chyna! Then, it's time for the guys to give Tori Spelling a ring cuz they're looking for a Co-Ed Call Girl! The guys are quite concerned about this escort service's business model (especially when it comes to spending one's money on a pricey scarf that your mom will wear as she plays the cello for your prostitution clients! But even more pressing matters are at hand including the question of whether Leonard Bernstein was a bossy bottom and the eventual weekly procedural based on this movie called Dr. Call Girl.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason were all prepared for a guest that had to cancel, but that's not gonna stop them from watching a movie that, based on its title, should be a lighthearted romp set at Halloween! But first, Les suggests people will be dressing as the Menendez Brothers this year, Jason wonders aloud if they have all officially reached “CBS Median Viewership Age,” and Kurt has some big news a bout Blac Chyna! Then, it's time to go incognito by dressing in all black with the exception of a very bright red face mask (all the kids are doing it right now) for Lifetime's 2023 Movie “Look Who's Stalking.” The title was originally titled “Haunted by My Stalker” and frankly more descriptive of the movie rather than the final title which invoke the potential that Danny Devito may be providing a voice. So gather around the easily-exhumed body with your tuna casserole, we're about to answer all of these unknown calls together.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are so excited to dig into a movie for Peacock! But first, the guys breakdown the Abe Lincoln documentary Lover of men, and find out that Les is friends with the guy that portrayed Abe in the reenactments. Then, in Blac Chyna news, the story about Twin Hector getting beat up gets (as Jason predicted) more violent and weird as Tokyo Toni wants the credit for it! Then they guys dig into Peacock's A Nanny to Die for. This movie may have been released on Peacock, but it was made by the longtime Lifetime stalwarts at Hybrid, and it has many of the same Hallmarks (pun intended): multiple murders, a cold open, a psycho with a traumatic childhood, and just a hint of gaslighting! Get ready to go down rabbit holes (or is it's sea holes? Or C-holes) about Caryn Richman, Hart to Hart, and Murray Langston!    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered much like a bunch of leaves that have been raked into a pile against their will. But at least Kurt has Blac Chyna news that could follow a similar long-tail trajectory as past news stories about her making violent claims. Then, ready or not, the guys leave no leaf unturned as they dissect Hallmark's Falling Together. Kurt has a pretty wild and prescient theory about the male lead, and that triggers a companion theory about the female lead (and movie at large) that involves a lot of gay coding, a whole lot of pie, and a whole huge heaping pile of cocaine. But an increased coke budget just comes with the territory of a new job that isn't in Miami but that you have shown up for 6 weeks early. Open up your veiny eyes to watch this movie, unless you're getting Mama's Familied while you listen.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason may have found the perfect movie to suit their collective sensibilities, 2015's A Deadly Adoption. Part true-to-form Lifetime movie, part inside joke (that not everybody was in on), part dramatic showcase for Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, Ferrell's passion project written by Harper Steele gets a look from the guys in light of his and Steele's current spectacular and very moving Netflix documentary Will & Harper. Blac Chyna is also moving people to tears with her heartfelt conversation with daughter Dream about her appearance insecurity. But Will & Harper & Blac Chyna have nothing on the emotional rollercoaster of A Deadly Adoption's wild tale about a financial author-lothario, his neglected wife, their moronic daughter with diabetes named after the pilot who landed on the Hudson, the woman they welcome into their lives in hopes of having another baby.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with a packed show! There's Blac Chyna's pivot to fitness! There's Eric Roberts (past) smack talk about Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias. There's a Candace Cameron Bure sighting! There's Matlock, with a (big) twist! There's an Oscar winner being confused for a high profile prostitute! There's improv class driving! There's surge pricing to get to an attempted murder scene! There's Vicki Lawrence becoming Ryan Murphy's new Sarah Paulson! There's people being conceived to Mama's Family and LMFAO's Shots! And, most critically, you may now use the phrase “Mama's Family-ed” as a verb   for having sex.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason had to pick a movie that Les could access in Canada since he's still in Vancouver, so they decided to watch the lone Stalked by My Doctor movie they haven't seen, 2019's Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker's Nightmare! But first, Les and Kurt know someone that used to work in the Hallmark world and he may soon be a guest on the podcast! Plus, Eric Roberts just appeared on Marc Maron's podcast, so the guys think they may have a shot at their white whale! And, this episode features both a Blac Chyna report AND and a special Abe Lincoln report since Kurt just found out that Abe may have been gay! Then, they guys delightfully dig into another gem from the Stalked by My Doctor cinematic universe that doesn't just feature Eric Roberts as Dr. Albert Beck, but also the return of the very Jimmy Buffet-esque voice in his head (complete with a new array of Hawaiian shirts and tropical cocktail glasses). Eric Roberts really hit the jackpot with this movie: he got paid wardrobe bumps for bringing his own clothes (including a tuxedo bump!), it features a pre-stardom Matt Rife bringing newfound attention to the movie, AND Eric gets to use a drinking glass and a soap dispenser to simulate humping!    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited that Les is currently in the homeland of all things Hallmark, Vancouver, Canada as they convene to talk about the baphomet tattoo Blac Chyna is having removed. Even with its striking imagery, though, this tattoo has nothin' on the badasserey of Aunt Gert, the sitcom Kathy Bates helping to make Hallmark's Magic Lemon Drops even more fun. Did Hallmark low-key make a movie that revolves around people doing psychedelics? Probably! Is there a diner called Eatery? Definitely! Gert may not be the heroine of the movie (not heroin, though maybe), but in a movie where obvious junk mail is mistaken for tax bills where people refuse to bring their foster dog to a sex dungeon, she certainly is the character you expect to help pound out the schnitzel.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to attend A Costa Rican Wedding, a Hallmark movie that somehow seems to ruin the concept of hot shirtless guys on screen (at least for a moment). But first, Kurt's Blac Chyna news, despite being 2 months old, manages to deliver a piece of info we've never heard mentioned in the Blac Chyna Report: Tyra's real name! After the guys price out the salon menu for Hearts Pure by Angela White, then they head to the jungle for Hallmark's latest wedding-themed movie. Though the setting is intriguing, there's too much emphasis on wackiness (monkeys stealing wedding rings) and almost no emphasis on making any of these people likable humans (Kurt's favorite Sean Penn soundbite gets a lot of use in this episode).    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome a very special guest in Tarot Specialist and Paranormal investigator Ken Boggle (@kenboggle) from Hulu's Living for the Dead to discuss this week's Lifetime movie, Miss Cleo: Her Rise and Fall. Ken gets recognized by both both the living and the dead, but Blac Chyna doesn't even recognize herself, what with the filler blindness and all. Then the guys are ready to dig into the rise and fall of Miss Cleo. Imagine an alternate universe where Tyler Perry creation Madea becomes the face of a psychic hotline instead of Youree Dell Harris' Miss Cleo! Or stay in the current universe where you can get schooled in Tarot by a Jamaican Nun just like everyone else! Let's bask in the revelation that unemployment was down during the time Miss Cleo was handing out device, and never ever address the fact that Miss Cleo came out later in life.   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason revisit their 2020 episode where Kurt and Jason realize Les knows Melissa McCarthy but hasn't booked her on the podcast yet! She seems like she'd enjoy Hallmark's One Royal Holiday which features a prince with Covid hair, a bed and breakfast superdome, and a pretty passive aggressive attitude towards ghost writers.  Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are experiencing a Brat summer, just like the twinks working at Disneyland. Jason's Disneyland adventure also featured many spotting of Mickey ears that looked like donuts and the realization that Winnie the Pooh is part of the LGBTQ community (because Winnie, like many, is a pantsless bear). Then after Blac Chyna Report, it's time to get into a movie co-starring Blac Chyna: Lifetime's I Thought My Husband's Wife was Dead. Even though her presence wasn't felt enough to help the movie make any sense, the movie did feature lots of Canadians from the Park Ranger school doing bad southern accents, a local therapist whose client list was comprised of everyone in this movie, and concept of a nap dress.    Also: Kurt is running in a 5K! If you'd like to read more about the cause and donate to Kurt and the other participants, please visit danmellebyfoundation.org   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason hop on the pole and head back to their 2019 episode about Lifetime's Psycho Stripper, a movie that prompted Jason to go on a rather epic rant about... cake boxes. With hot shirtless murderous men, characters killed off that we didn't even know were characters in the movie to begin with, and separate straight male characters that scream "Yaaaaassssssss" and wear mesh crop tops, this movie has EVERYTHING.  Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com    

Les, Kurt, and Jason have assembled to dissect Hallmark's rather weighty  Movie A World Christmas Record. But first, Kurt's Blac Chyna news lets Les know that Blac Chyna is set to appear in the movie he picked for next week, Lifetime's I Thought My Husband's Wife Was Dead. The biggest relevation of this episode of the podcast comes when Kurt reveals that he knows someone who knows THE PARK RANGER! And Kurt knows someone in this week's movie, though it's not the Sixth Spice Girl (a reference Jason and Les don't get because they've never seen Spice World!) Hallmark covers lots of new territory with this movie (Autism! Deadbeat dads! Sexless marriage! Lying by Omission), but none of that matters as much as building a the world's biggest Jenga (which should have been the world's largest Christmas Tree made of books). Crank up your favorite Oran “Juice” Jones or Spin Doctors CD and get ready for a massage, with boundaries!   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

  Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark's Edge of the Garden that may be about ghosts. Or time travel. Or parallel universes. Or eternal love. Or about taking what little bit of joy you have left in your life and squeezing it out of you as you watch this movie.  Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back though it was touch and go for Kurt this week with his travel turned upside down. Thank goodness he came back with some Blac Chyna news, and to see this week's movie, Lies and Ex Wives: Secrets on Maple Street. This apparently a new “universe” of stories for Lifetime to explore, but they may not want to let the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts have such a big creative role the next time around. But thanks to her, we are served a forgotten suspect in a gruesome murder, unnecessary umbrellas, and… fishing. Even the spreads were off in this movie (the food!). And wait until you hear how Eric Roberts could've helped Maple Street.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2021 episode about Salt-N-Pepa, a film that kick-off a new Lifetime genre: the black lady entertainer biopic that taught us that Push It was recorded in a bathroom. Do with that information what you will.  Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason waste no time in talking about the subject on everyone's minds, the Presid——— er, the deaths of multiple cultural icons including Shannen Doherty, Richard Simmons, and Dr. Ruth. Plus Kurt has news that Blac Chyna may be engaging in drama in her life by talking about how she doesn't want drama in her life, and we share a recipe for your favorite casserole from the 70's! Then, it's time to go shopping… for a better movie than Ms. Christmas Comes to Town. Oof. This movie tells the uplifting story of how capitalism can sound downright heartwarming when you're a shopping host dealing with a terminal diagnosis while selling paper erection trees. The movie is notable for having employed more background actors as extras than most gladiator movie crowd scenes, and even more notable for the insanely high lack of chemistry between the two leads. Lesson learned: your career as a traveling nurse isn't long for this world cuz you're get discovered and become  a star!   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark's Christmas with a Prince, a movie so questionable that the Canadian singer you've probably never heard who appears in the movie will still be someone you've never heard of after you watch the movie.  Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are headed to a place where no podcast is meant the thrive: Amish Country! But first, Blac Chyna's mom Tokio Toni got heated and flirty with The Game in a way that makes you rethink your snack foods. Then, it's time for Lifetime's Amish Stud: The Eli Weaver Story a true story about an Amish guy (Luke Macfarlane) that's using a Sidekick and dating apps on the DL but still needs a taxi driver (Criminal Minds' Kirsten Vangsness) to drive him around (because Amish). You could argue that there are too many people in this movie named Barbara or you could argue that there are never enough Barbaras. But you can't deny the minister with the Spirit Gum would never turn down a pie made by someone named Barbara in much the same way that a lady would never turn down what was being offered by the Time to Make the Donuts guy.   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Lifetime's My Stepfather's Secret which features geology, murder, cryptocurrency, income equality, an explainer on the many Carly's of General Hospital, and (of course) gaslighting.   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are angry… or at least Les and Jason are, while Kurt CLAIMS to be zen despite having suffered through the same movie as they did. But first, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna's daughter Dream made a song. But Blac Chyna says it's not a real song since it's not on streaming. Though it could still technically BE a song in the same way that Falling Like Snowflakes was technically a movie because a really bad movie is still a movie. Hallmark got an early start on Christmas in July by premiering the movie in June, which is a really cruel thing to do if this movie is, as the guys suspect, a group project created by some people that have been institutionalized. Through that lens, all those involved really did a good job. Through any other lens, though, this may instead feature people so miserable with their acting careers that they're trying to deliberately sabotage their work to get out of some very unhealthy relationships. If you're looking for a way to sabotage an unhealthy relationship, make sure you watch this movie with the people in your shared unhealthy situation and it will help you end things quick!   Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark's One Winter Proposal (and make the podcast's first reference to the Ann Margrock episode of The Flintstones.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are (deservedly) taking credit for the June Squibb renissance (the Squibissance) currently happening thanks to her movie Thelma. In Blac Chyna news, Kurt reports that Chy (as she's now dubbed in the press) is now 21 months sober, and he also contemplates whether he'd be allowed to enter the pearly gates because he's eaten hors d'oeuvres as a meal at an event. Then it's time to look into all the ways My Mom Made Me Do It in a Lifetime movie that will make a great replay episode come Mother's Day. When an AA Meeting meets during volleyball practice at a school where the kids are super into Lucille Ball's old radio program, you know that's going to drive a goody-goody high school student into a super convoluted life of crime where attack victims are given a blowout during a coma and where young women don't recognize their own step-brother.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast TikTok: lifetimeofhallmarkpod Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

If you've never listened to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast before, this Throwback Thursday Replay is a great episode to get you started. Killer Contractor Just Might Be the Lifetime Version of M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to hit the ground running in 2020 with a movie featuring an epic electrocution, a runaway ceiling fan, and a literal ball of fire that proves that murderous contractors are the BEST contractors when dealing with Lifetime's Killer Cinematic Universe. But first, Kurt has (horrifying) Blac Chyna news, and Jason skips his Lori Loughlin news so the guys can get right into what may be the most "on brand" movie Lifetime has ever done, "Killer Contractor." Sure, nobody in the movie knows how to do simple things like correctly pronounce the main character's last name or carry a coffin, but none of that matters because we are dealing with characters that outsource the delivery of bad news to a claims adjuster.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to stir the (honey) pot that is the Brat Pack Documentary and find out that Kurt has inexplicably never seen the movie Mannequin. In Blac Chyna news, the guys learn that Tokyo Toni met Blac Chyna's dad at a Macy's (oh, young love!)  Then, it's time to see what the buzz is all about with Hallmark's For Love and Honey, a movie about both beekeeping and archaeology in Malta. It may take a lot of exposition to explain the rather convoluted treasure map at the heart of the plot, but there are plenty of bee puns, a hot professor, and a hot mayor who's really hot to make things go down smooth like honey. Don't swat this movie away like you're trying to get rid of a bee with a King James Bible, but definitely also don't eat what you think is centuries old butter.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason have dug into their archives to re-visit their 2018 episode about Hallmark's A Shoe Addict's Christmas! Before Candace Cameron Bure left the Hallmark Cinematic Universe, she made a downright fantastic movie that co-starred a pre-Hacks Jean Smart, a pre-Bros Luke Macfarlane, and a slightly post-Orphan Black Kristian Brunn.  Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason had so much time taking to Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) two episodes ago that she has now officially joined A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast as a producer despite her role in exiling black hoodies from Lifetime! No need to worry, though, as there IS a black hoodie in Devil on My Doorstep. You should worry about Blac Chyna as news about her is no longer as fun, so perhaps a Young Sheldon-style prequel needs to happen for the Blac Chyna Report. A prequel to Devil on My Doorstep may also be needed to better explain the motivations of the characters in the movie, especially since there are a confusing number of villains, rushed graphics from the art department, and writer's block so bad that perpetually pushes back a funeral service until the eulogy can be finished. This episode was not sponsored by AAA of Southern California… but could be.    Facebook : lifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Threads: lifetimeeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason are in the full swing of Pride month but have still found time to join Hallmark's Blind Date Book Club. But first, Kurt has some not-so-new Blac Chyna news that doesn't convincingly connect Beyonce to the Epstein plane. Then, the guys turn the page to explore the world of a Hallmark movie where an NPR interview about a book club carries such an incredible emergency that it needs to be conducted live. This is also a world where self-publishing a book can happen in a matter of hours with an incredible amount of detail, likely costing a considerable amount of money. But in a world where one can get hooked on Faulkner instead of heroin, that's just icing on the (tea) cakes paired with some Danny DeVito Limoncello.    Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome the incredible Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) to join them for a fun ride this week. Samantha is a big fan of the podcast and just so happens to also e a costume designer who has worked her share of Lifetime movies! The guys question why Samantha has tried to exile the famed black hoodie and Kurt gets the dirt on Lifetime's craft services setup (people horde snacks, just like Jason had to do until he was asked for a cookie by Justin Bieber). Plus, there's some wild Blac Chyna news involving Dueling Bishops that are available at the drop of a hat. Then, it's time to read the cards for Lifetime's Killer Fortune Teller, a movie that could not have been more perfect for Samantha given that she's actually named after Samantha from Bewitched. This movie makes great use of Tarot cards as a means of framing the plot, has solid support from a Michael Douglas / Gavin Newsom hybrid, and uses both a puffy vest and extreme amounts of ketamine to great effect, especially considering it's all done without the approval of Psychic SAG. But none of it explains why someone so incredibly wealthy would have to pay to pick his own lemons.    Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com  

Les, Kurt, and Jason reconvene after a few weeks to see what's being served in Lifetime's A Chef's Deadly Revenge. But first, it's time to celebrate the birthday of Blac Chyna… and to toast the many notable people from the entertainment world that passed away since the last episode of the podcast. Then, we learn that Jason made a crass joke in their group chat using emoji to describe Schmoo's sex life. Kurt asks what Jason meant… and immediately regrets it when he gets an answer to that question that you can't lock up in a freezer because there is, in fact, a pig in there. In a movie filled with lots of bad stalking and reverse stalking and so very many unnecessary car chases, you can rest assured that having your marriage ended by an unhinged stranger will be rewarded with some free creme brulee.  Facebook : alifetimeofhallmark Instagram : lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast Theme song generously donated by purple-planet.com