Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

Help us shape Season 3 of Is My Child A Monster?! For the first time ever we're doing a listener survey. You have the opportunity to tell us what you love —or would love less of — on Is My Child A Monster! The anonymous survey should take less than 10 minutes, and you're welcome to answer as much or as little as you like. We'd love your thoughts even if you've never listened, help us understand why! Or maybe this is a good time to check out an episode. Click here to fill out the survey.Visit ismychildamonster.com  to:subscribe to my newsletterfill out an application to be a parent volunteer on the podcast complete the short survey to help us 

Do you need feedback? Of course you do. We all do! But giving and receiving feedback whether it's from or to your child or co-parent can be challenging. Feedback can often feel like criticism and can even feel invalidating. This episode is all about giving and receiving feedback skillfully so that you or the other person doesn't become defensive or shut down. Today's episode welcomes back Leslie's daughter Dale Rubury who shares how she moved from the defensive stance as a child to the open and willing stance as an adult.  Time Stamps:3:18 Feedback is part of communication in all kinds of relationship3:55 Defining Feedback as nonjudgmental information about their behavior that is intended to help someone grow7:49 Why is feedback so important 9:00 The person receiving feedback has complete power over HOW they receive it9:07 What is RODBT? Radically Open Dialectic Behavior Therapy Fact Sheet12:55 The faith of parenting means you believe that the child heard you16:18 Why some kids have more difficulty getting feedback than others19:05 In public some kids will receive feedback differently than when they are at home. It may be known as masking (click here for more information)21:18 Notice and name their reaction21:25 "Did i just say something was invalidating to you"22:20 Watch out when the child gives feedback to you the parent23:30 It's the parent's job to model receiving feedback for the child24:33 Give kids time and space to learn to accept feedback27:40 “Is this a good time to give you feedback?”33:03 Use the metaphor of a buffet37:49 Tips on receiving feedback38:34 Recovering from invalidation40:19 Not everything has to be processed, sometimes it's healthier to let some things goResources:  Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastRadically Open DBT Fact SheetLeslie's Video:  Stop Repeating YourselfLeslie's Newsletter on I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong StreetLeslie-ism: Growing as a parent is about being open to new ideas, open to learning, and open to feedback.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special

Exposure to books makes a big difference for children. Reading not only fosters cognitive and emotional development but also builds closeness and routines. This week, Leslie spoke to author Deborah Farmer Kris about her experience as a teacher and parent, highlighting the unique needs of each child and the intellectual and emotional challenges of parenting. Kris also promotes the use of public libraries and simple, consistent reading routines. Kris's books, including those in the "All the Time" series, aim to teach emotional literacy and provide caregiver tips. She stresses that being a stable, caring adult is crucial for a child's resilience and well-being.About our guest: Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent educator, journalist, and children's book author.  Deborah has written for CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. She is an advisor for the PBS KIDS show “Carl the Collector,” and is wrapping up edits on a parenting book, called “Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Can Help Our Kids Thrive.” She also founded the parenting website Parenthood365Resources:To Learn more about Deborah Farmer Kris visit her Parenthood 365 Website Quick as a Cricket by Audrey Wood is a children's book that teaches that we all have many parts of usLeslie-ism: Try to find 10 minutes a day to read to your childFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music.  Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

An unspoken agreement with parents raising children is that they will be on the same page and they will be a united front. But that is often easier said than done. In part 3 of our 3 part series with Mary, her husband Antoine joins us to discuss what happens when they disagree, how it affects their 6 year old Oliver, and what they're doing to make sure they come back together in healthy ways.Time Stamps7:34 What does “being on the same page” mean to you?9:51 What does it mean when your child picks up that you are two different people, with two different personalities12:42 For some people, harmony is necessary for the nervous system15:56 Parents might be comfortable with conflict, and your child might need extra reassurance that you're okay18:43 It's okay to give children a sense of control in the situation22:03 Start having your child become aware of their level of discomfort - check in with them, and have them name it22:40 An incredible lesson for a child: I'm uncomfortable, and I can handle it25:50 In uncomfortable moments, prepare the family to brave the storm, and that it will passSometimes we need to table arguments to have them away from children, but it is beneficial for children to see their parents arguing; it can be damaging to only see harmony/”perfection”30:46 Learning to “fight fair”34:28 Repair is incredibly important for children to witness34:40 Ideas of mutual respect and benefit of the doubt40:40 Definition of radical acceptance44:29 Idea that we can be different and still respect each other's ways; you're respecting your individual differences45:49 What do tolerating differences look like?Resources:  Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastTime Out: Resolving Family Conflicts available in both English and SpanishRules on Fighting Fair provided by Therapist AidLeslie-ism: Mutual respect is key for repairing relationship rupturesFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Sometimes there's nothing more frustrating than dealing with a frustrated child. In part 2 of our 3 part series with Mary, mother of six-year-old Oliver and a newborn baby James, Leslie explores just how exhausting being stuck in the frustration loop with your child can be—and how to break out of it. They also get into bedtime, setting limits, and parenting guilt. Time Stamps0:36 Low frustration tolerance3:03 Letting go of expectations is about accepting the moment in order to move forward. Remember: it's supposed to be hard11:54 “I need him to” is a dangerous thing to say23:09 The tough job of being a parent23:12 Bearing witness to your child's discomfort or pain23:19 The guilt of doing it good enough23:47 The definition of guilt; we don't need the extra burden of it25:36 When to give in, when to ignore and when to set limits - these are confusing choices all parents face.30:41 Assessing is important: there's a cause for all behavior33:13 Kids may need to be active to actually calm down their neurological system before bed: compression, getting wrapped up in a blanket, hugging a teddy bear, etc39:25 Allow the misbehavior to communicate what's going on39:47 Take a guess at why your child misbehaved:  scared of nightmares, not wanting to end the day, feeling stimulated in his body and need to release tension of the day, wanting to be closer to mom.Leslie-ism:  Learn as you go, learn from the past, and learn from mistakes. Resources:Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastVideo of Three Ways to Deal with a Low Frustration ToleranceFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Dealing with change can sometimes feel like ripping off a bandaid. Change is stressful, whether you are five or 55; and people respond to those changes in all different ways. And it is especially challenging when you are someone who likes structure, order, and predictability. In today's episode Leslie explores this topic with Mary.  We met Mary last season when she was seeking support around grief and sleep for her then four-year-old-son, Oliver. Things have changed in Oliver's world, and that's why Mary's back. The past year has been full of transitions and adjustments for Oliver and his family. Starting a new school year and having a new baby in the home are some of those changes that most parents can relate to. Time Stamps4:37 Change is the only constant and children respond to those changes in many different ways. School, new siblings, caregivers all create change in family life.8:13 Assess your child's behavior as they respond to changes12:04 Adjustments can feel scary, frustrating or full of unknowns12:53 Reestablishing his sense of safety, connection and groundedness16:60 Parents want things to go right, and be right.  Adjustments are often “messy moments”17:15 Buddhist phrase:  no mud, no lotus19:18 The child needs validation AND the parent needs validation, and that's so hard20:30 Anxiety often underlies the No's, the opposition, the resistance, and the rigidity21:27 Don't ask WHY questions.  Make a few statements to choose from22:10 For nail biting, avoid saying “don't do that” and instead suggest what else the child can do with their hands.24:52 Neurodiversity - everyone's brain is unique and different25:55 Luke Beardon's take on anxiety in children26:57 Part of a parent's job is to guide their child through the unknown28:05 Create anchors for the anxious child31:57 When your child says “no,” unpack that no with them. YES AND approach for the child who doesn't want to hear a NO32:40 Teach your child that feelings come and go34:02 Warning: the gap is going to be big between knowledge and putting that knowledge into action/behavior37:15 Help your child Balance out the knowns and the unknowns, the predictable and the unpredictable. 37:36 Remind yourself and your child all the challenges and changes that you all have handledResourcesSign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastWell Hello Anxiety Podcast episode with Luke Beardon who discusses anxiety for neurodivergent kidsNo Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat HanhA visual graphic explaining the Window of Tolerance by NICAMBArticle on Window of Tolerance by mindmypeelingsLeslie's Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy's Three States of MIndLeslie-ism: You can be an

Having a roadmap to deal with your child's Intense emotions and behaviors sounds like a great idea. Oftentimes when parents reach out for professional help, they want changes and they want them NOW. But instant results are not always the reality of raising children. On today's episode Leslie has a conversation with bestselling author and educator Dayna Abraham about raising neurodivergent children and offering listeners a roadmap that can help. We also focus on making sure our kids don't grow up feeling “badly” about themselves even if they do feel different by creating changes in their home environmentAbout our guest Dayna Abraham:Dayna Abraham, bestselling author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world. Time Stamps6:08 Dayna Abraham's abbreviated professional life story10:00 The Roadmap framework: (Venn Diagram - The YOU Piece, Connection, Understanding, Empowerment12:55 Description of Stages - Stages 1,2,3 set the foundation when you are in the eye of the storm14:07 How to recoup energy15:10 Putting ideas into practical examples21:47 Determining when is a good time to push your child, and when to back off.24:01 Work smarter not harder; sometimes kids just need to feel understood28:49 Modeling flexible thinking for your child 29:20 Kids don't have meta-cognition, so it helps to “think out loud”29:43 Before you can self-regulate, you have to be self-aware. Kids learn self-awareness through the adults around them30:58 Parents cannot expect results overnight; need to focus on themselves and their patience32:06 Start with what we can control: ourselves36:22 If raising a neurodivergent child, adjust your timeline and adjust your expectations38:08 You're exactly the parent your child needsLeslie-ism: The first step to help yourself and your child is to ride out the storm. Show Note LInks:Danya Abraham's WebsiteHer podcast: www.calmthechaospodcast.com.Her Book: CALM THE CHAOS: A Failproof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids Article by Child Mind Institute What is NeurodiversityIs My Child A Monster? Episode with Special Guest Dr. Liz Angoff: A conversation about Neurodivergent childrenHandout by Dr. Liz Angoff - ​​Two Sides of a Coin of having a Neurodivergent BrainSign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? Podcast

Is there an epidemic of overparenting? And if so, where does it come from?  Is it parenting from a place of fear, from a place of information overload, from the anxiety that is all around us, the drive to make our children perfect or is it from the frustration of trying to raise a child who doesn't do what you want them to do?  In this third and final session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores these questions.  Pedro and Claudia want to be the best parents they can be to their 16 year old son LIam, but are overparenting and doing too much undermining their efforts? Leslie turns her attention to the “overparenting problem” that's shaping the next generation, and leaving them with lasting consequences. Together Leslie, Pedro, and Claudia discuss how to pivot from being “nagging” parents, to “chill” ones, and how to do that while still instilling your child with your core values and healthy limits.Time Stamps3:10 The impact of “less is more” motto on the parent-child relationship (yes we are well aware of the reversal in the podcast where by Pedro and Leslie said “more is less”5:15  Parenting is forgiving8:43 Three ways to change your behavior as a parent9:29  Shift from “I can't do this” to “I will feel so much better if I do this”9:46 Get some support from partner who give you reminders and help out with the change10:35 Permission-giving. Getting the okay from someone else, someone you trust14:25/16:39 The benefits of being a bit more “CHILL”  14:52 Finding the balance - the middle path of parenting (see the video in the show notes)17:25 Overparenting as result of parenting from a place of fear19:40 The myth of the parenting “deadline”21:25 The metaphor of a plant growing and the space it needs (see video below)24:04 Understanding who your child is to is in order to build a foundation for themBiological make upSocial environment29:43 Parents have the privilege of seeing every side of their child30:29 We want to send the message that a child is a whole person, and that includes the good the bad and the ugly35:16 What are you missing? What is your child's perspective? Parents often skip this step36:50 How would you validate your child (clue to finding their perspective)39:07 Reframing from “my child is taking the easy way out” and “manipulating” to “he's doing what works”44:14 Have faith that your child will be able to solve their own problems as they grow as adults44:39 We don't want our children to be afraid of growing up - what can parents do about this?Show Note Links:Leslie's Video: Plants Need Space and So Do Kids Leslie's Video: Stop Repeating YourselfHandout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBTLeslie's Video: Walking the Middle Path to Balance the DilemmasLeslie-ism: Beware of Overparenting. Remember Less is More!For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits:

Anxiety attacks are not something we ever want to see our kids suffer through, especially if as parents we suffer them as well. In her second session with Pedro and Claudia, Leslie explores panic attacks and how they might differ from parent and child. The session also takes a turn towards the idea of “having the last word,” and what negative things are being reinforced when you continue to have this power struggle with your child. Time Stamps4:58 How panic attacks affect the whole family in different and unique waysSymptoms of panic attacks in a child vs parentThe hangover of the panic attackThe role of a person whose partner is suffering a panic attack10:22 The difference between guilt and shame12:23 Feelings come and feelings go 13:13 Definition of panic attack.15:18 Self talk skills help you when having a panic attack. Use these phrases:“I am safe. I am capable.”“Feelings come and feelings go”  “This too shall pass”17:00 Understand the cause of panic attacks 17:13 Develop skills before during and after panic attacks 19:23 Sympathetic versus parasympathetic nervous system 20:48 T.I.P.P.Skills to use to calm down the nervous system: The divers reflex SkillIntense exercise SkillPaced breathing Skill27:35 Finding the middle path between acceptance and change —28:45 When parents practice doing less as an antidote to overparenting32:12 Kids and parents who want the last word - a power struggle32:20 Discuss the skills you are using with your child and even with the school so everyone is on the same page35:00 When having the last word works36:22 Why parents engage in the power struggle of wanting the last word38:12 Have faith that what you say “registers somewhere”39:30 Parents have to remember that you don't have to prove your own sense of personal authority without getting the last word40:10 Reframing where the control lies. You want to have control over your own emotions40:38 Overparenting is a strategy when parents are being controlled by their fearsShow Note Links:NIH Research Article on Panic Disorder and Best PracticesTIPP Skills including a Video of Divers reflex skillLeslie Demonstrates How to use the Diver Reflex Skill on VideoNew York Times Article about Inside Out 2Leslie-ism: When you feel panic coming on, tell yourself, “I am safe and I am capable”.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and

Sometimes parenting is so hard and exhausting, it doesn't feel worth it. In today's session, Pedro and Claudia explain how much energy and effort they have spent trying to raise their 16 yr old teenage son Liam who has been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  While supportive, Pedro and Claudia are met with resistance at every turn, and have yet to see results from their parenting. Is that an assumption or is that really true?  In this episode, Leslie checks the facts, unpacks the fear and frustration, and addresses these issues with an upbeat and hopeful shift in perspective as well as practical strategies to try. Time Stamps4:35 What is your definition of being a good parent - getting the results from your child5:09 Growing up with the culture of the “village” when raising a child and the support that comes with that7:15 Feeling isolated when friends have neurotypical kids and you have a neurodivergent kid8:45 Myths or limiting beliefs: We don't want to burden other people with our problems14:05 It's more challenging dealing with a teen with diagnoses than with a toddler with diagnoses16:00 Remember to see your child's strengths in order to get a whole picture16:55 Wanting your child to achieve their potential can be a great deal of pressure for both parents and teens 21:00 Raising your child with Values creates a solid foundation21:30 The frustration and fear of raising the teenager when you are getting the results you expect28:58  Fear impacts your parenting mindset and perspective.  Where would you be without the expectations? Fear feeds frustration which feeds feeling like a failure29:50 What behaviors are due to his diagnoses vs what's developmental and age appropriate (see show notes for a handout)31:00 Toddlers and teenagers have a lot in common.  Learning to individuate and differentiate from their parents.  This is when they practice saying NO to use their voice32:25 The value of empathy that is expressed even after the situation 33:08 Give your child the problem and let them solve it rather than telling your child what to do. Teach your child to find a synthesis when problem solving38:30 The quality of being strong-willed and the behavior of getting the last word - relates to the child who has a single track mind40:00 Save your Breath and listen twice as much as you talk41:50 Turn the volume down on your passion for raising your son42:55 Your parenting effort IS working. Have faith in the process. It takes patience44:45 Finding your “Passion” or living to your “potential” are dirty words because they put pressure on you and your childResources:  Handout on Parenting Dilemmas from DBTPoem On Children by Kahlil GibranLeslie-ism: Save your breath when parenting, listen twice as much as you talkFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, 

“How can my child be a rule follower if they always say no to the family rules?” Leslie often catches parents off guard by suggesting that their child may actually be a rule follower. In this episode, Leslie has a conversation with her daughter Dale about what it's like to grow up as a rule follower. In this episode Leslie and Dale explore the many traits that are often associated with the rule-following child such as perfectionism and intense focus on fairness. Assessing whether you or your child is a rule-follower may not be so obvious but may be critically important to understanding their behavior and ways of thinking. This conversation pulls back the curtain on what really goes on in the mind of the rule-following child.Time Stamps2:40 The importance of knowing your child and knowing what it means to be a rule follower3:37 What “rule-followers” get out of following the rules10:07 Being careful not to reinforce the child's need to do everything perfectly10:36 Helping your children practice being uncomfortable17:56 The need for flexible thinking26:12 Keep an eye out for when a child has an obsession with fairness29:12 Advice for parents who have children who are rigid rule followersShow Note Links:Free virtual Q&A with Leslie August 21st, 8 PM EST“Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol DweckLeslie-ism: Flexible thinking takes practice.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

It's no secret that parenting is a challenge. We want our children to be happy, and it can be difficult to see them upset or hurting. Leslie has been working through this with Hannah and Alex, parents of three year old Paxton, who've returned for their third and final session. Together they reinforce the changes they've already implemented with Paxton, like correcting habits and communicating clearly. Leslie also shows them how they're setting Paxton up for success now when it comes to very adult things like handling disappointment and pain. Hannah and Alex have also begun communicating their emotions more clearly, adopting the “emotion mind” language with each other, which in turn helps model it for Paxton. Time Stamps5:30 Using Logic with someone in Emotion Mind usually doesn't work (at any age)6:20 Address issues, validate feelings, and move on (without bringing it up over and over)7:03 Extinction burst - why behaviors tend to get worse before they get better8:33 Teach kids early that they can handle disappointment10:54 How to reinforce manners without giving in every time a child asks for something “nicely”15:30 Life can be hard when you are a rule follower20:04 Short-term gratification can cause children to always want more, more, more20:38 Practice delayed gratification Even if you don't get the short-term results you want keep exposing your child to new foods and new activities24:25 Practice communicating with your partner about being in emotion-mind31:01 To promote flexible thinking and Dialectic thinking use “and” instead of “but”37:34 You can't protect your child from the pains of life, and the greatest gift you can give them is the ability to know that they can handle that pain39:03 Review an event in the past is for the purpose of learning, not for re-experiencing.  Ask something like  “what do you think would work for you next time?”Show Note LinksThree States of MindReacting vs RespondingYoutube channel videos on BehaviorismHow to increase wanted behaviors How to shape behaviorsHow to decrease unwanted behaviorsLeslie-ism: When your urge is to react, take a pause and then choose to respond. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

There are many reasons why children feel uncomfortable. And when your child is uncomfortable you as the parent often feel uncomfortable. This week we're back with Hannah and Alex for their second session, who have come to Leslie about their three year old son Paxton. These parents are vulnerable with Leslie when they speak about how hard it is for them to say no to Paxton when he wants something. They also admit that they regret some of the parenting choices they've made with Paxton, and fear that they are responsible for some of their son's habits. Hindsight is hindsight. The focus of the session is about figuring out what to do now in the present time. But these parents are committed to growing and changing and Leslie is there for them every step of the way.Time Stamps3:24 Parents feel amazing when they do the hard work of taking technology out of the bedtime routine7:40 Remember to reintroduce skills or foods or ideas at a later time8:10 Commitment is necessary to  make change - and it provides the motivation9:17 Creativity is great when it comes to food issues : how you serve it, when you serve it, what you serve, where you serve it11:58 Dialectic perspective - honor and respect your partner's perspective 13:55 Giving in to the short term relief at the expense of long term gains. Especially when our children are struggling 18:40 Parents can always look back and say, “I should have done it differently,” but parents shouldn't shame themselves when they are doing the best they can with the skills they had at the time.25:13 How should we as parents engage with our child's big emotions; be careful to acknowledge without reinforcing it26:43 When do we transition kids from distracting from big emotions to acknowledging big emotionsTeach your child that feelings are valid Distraction is one option (you can revisit the emotion later)Validate the feelings, do nothing to fix it, and move on29:40 Separate your feelings from you child's emotions33:57 When children have “comfort” habits like picking their parents' fingernails39:10 You can be emotionally connected with your child without being physically connectedLeslie-ism: Take a moment to look at the ways you both physically and emotionally connect with your child.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is often counterintuitive and makes the job of parenting even more complex. Whether it's saying no to your child using technology or saying goodbye to your child, understanding the short term and the long term benefits and consequences is important. This is just one of the topics we explore in this episode with Hannah and Alex and their 3 year old son Paxton. The struggles of being parents of a toddler, the hindsight of seeing what they may have done that has made things worse and the desire to raise an emotionally intelligent child are some of the other issues that they work on with Leslie.  The practical tools as well as understanding concepts from Dialectic Behavior Therapy are useful to parents with children of any age.Time Stamps6:55 Noticing if you or your child is very literal or detail oriented.  This helps you understand the way your brain works8:36 Being a first time parent often means stepping into the unknown and not knowing what to expect.10:55 A broader perspective: is something going on in the environment that needs to be changed, is my child responding in a way that reflects who they are, or is my child's behavior a problem that needs attention?12:45 Parenting is often counterintuitive13:10 Helping children feel safe in the world - how to give them that message14:50 Avoiding the cue that sets off the “pain” for your child is not teaching them that they can handle life. Give them a step by step approach for helping your child deal with the “pain” of a situation15:55 Parents don't want to see their children unhappy16:40 He can handle more than you think, you can handle more than you think17:45 The short term relief vs the long term benefits - understanding the consequences of the short term relief21:22 Picky eaters need to be accepted and at the same time, parents can shape their child's behavior with exposure to new foods (see behaviorism video in show notes)23:45 When parents have challenges growing up it makes them vulnerable to coping with their child's feelings26:39 Changing the bedtime routine - from technology for hours to books and lullabys27:55 Behaviorism - What happens when a parent gives the child what they want after emotions escalate30:00 Parents can name when they are in emotion mind so they can model it for their child31:51 Description of the three states of mind35:24 Use specificity and details if you want make behavioral changesResources:  Leslie's Blog posting on Dialectic Behavior Therapy's Three States of MIndChild Mind Institute's Research Article on The Importance of Reading to your Children PBS Article on Why Reading Aloud to Kids Helps them ThriveLeslie-ism: Both you and your child can handle more than you think.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Coop

Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week's episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.Time Stamps3:30 How to use the T-graph with your child6:39 Unpacking what it means to be an equitable parent vs being a “secondary” o or “trainee” parent 8:35 A dialectic approach to holding both concepts together: being equitable and being a trainee10:50 Making the goal of parenting a process of lifelong learning as your priority11:24 Concepts of worthiness, learning, levels of contribution15:50  How to give feedback to your partner I have an idea that might work for you  Is there something I can do to help out hereSet the stage -  I respect that you are doing the best you can18:39 Dealing with timely matters and feeling the pressure of time: getting to bed, getting out of the house20:27 Celebrating differences in parents so children learn about tolerance and have a chance to learn from each parent22:56 Your child is going to help you learn as well26:00 Golden nuggets from LeslieThe qualities that drive you nuts now are going to be positive attributes laterThe idea that the quality of your child is a reflection of you is a LOT of pressureFocusing on the process rather than the outcome of parenting28:10 Children may only show their big reactions at home and not in public29:30 Being the “trainee parent” doesn't really exist; we're all trainees. Have faith in the process36:06 The cost of aggressive anger in a parent and how to be responsible for it38:30  The Three Step Apology State what you didstate how you it affected the child and yourselfMake an amends: talk about what you will do differently next time40:45 Power struggles with your child41:40 Children help us see what need to work on and we are all parents in trainingResources:  Leslie's Blog Posting The Three Step ApologyLeslie's Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our EmotionsLeslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there's a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.Time Stamps2:34 How a child's frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they're an adult4:05 How noticing and naming a child's behavior can be effective in helping them change it6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation8:27 Defining processing speed9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health15:45 It's all about connection and disconnection16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child's vulnerabilities as prompting events18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it21:57 Speaking to your child's expectations that maybe they're not even aware of 24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches 29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the otherResources:  Leslie's handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn't do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby.  They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog.  This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child's behavior.Time Stamps6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard10:05 Mirror Neurons  Children pick up on what the parent is feeling and visa versa10:40 Patience is needed for when seeking changes in behavior14:13 Strategies for stepping into a conflict between parent and childBe a reporter and name what is happening - give information to othersDo nothingBait them with “I think you have something very important to say”Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior  “I am here and I want to hear you”“Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”Shape the behaviorhitting—->yellingyelling—--> using a talking voice20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov  - two ideas from Wendy Mogel's book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee23:35 Engage the child in “a plan” in order to problem solve challenging behaviors such as brushing her teeth27:05 The theme of connection and how important that connection is27:43 Getting at the root cause using the phrase “you must have a very good reason for (not brushing your teeth) or whatever the behavior is.29:50  Communication is more than just the words: 70% of communication is nonverbal.  Your child is responding to your tone, gestures and facial expressions. 33:10 Ask yourself how can parents have fun at the job of parenting37:07 Connect first and then ask for the cooperationResources:: Wendy Mogel's Book:  The Blessing of a Skinned KneeFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation. 

Today's episode is a revisit of the conversation between Leslie and her adult daughter Dale. It focuses on the skill of building mastery with new information and resources.  Parents can use this skill to build their children's sense of confidence and competence. Building mastery can also provide a sense of accomplishment for all adults. This is an inside look at Leslie as a mother using this skill to help her anxious daughter. This episode is also a unique opportunity to hear these parenting skills from the child's perspective. And in an unexpected move, Dale turns the tables and puts the spotlight on Leslie's own building mastery.About the guest: Dale Rubury was a producer and special guest in several episodes. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.Resources:Leslie 's Handout on The Need to Feel CapableYoutube Video  Building Mastery Skill For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Building a sense of accomplishment comes from challenging ourselves.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today's episode marks the third and final session with Emma, mother of four in a blended family who relies on parenting strategies of the past. But things change, and we may also need to change the way we raise our children. Leslie continues to explore Emma's family patterns from her past, myths about parenting and fears that are so much a part of raising children. In this session, Leslie offers alternative strategies to the traditional punishments that parents so often rely on.  Once again Leslie redefines how we understand misbehavior and more specifically how we look at “punishment”. Does taking things away and giving out time outs actually work? Or is there a more effective way? Time Stamps4:40 Myth: Parents have to fix their children's problems4:56 Being a calm authority and pillar of support5:55 Validation has the power to make children feel heard and they stop repeating themselves12:15 Be responsible for your own panic12:31 Some people need more time to process (their feelings, instructions, or a situation)15:35 Take a step, take a beat, and see if the step works. If not, go back20:20 Leslie's class: Making the Punishment Fit the Crime21:39 Class name was intentionally provocative, because punishment doesn't work22:58 It is not a crime for your child to misbehave23:20 Misbehavior is not a crime, it's a learning experience and a form of communication29:30 Punishment creates shame (and abandonment) in the child30:24 An alternative to time out: take space, time in, staying connected31:20-35:30 Tool box for dealing with misbehaviorWhat does it communicateLet it goValidate, validate, validateProblem solve (finding other options)Conflict resolution stepsObserve and describe what's happeningDo Nothing is an option32:18 Principles of reinforcement35:30 Let's not throw away “time out,” let's transform it into “do you need some space”Resources:  Miles Davis quote: “It's not the note you play that's the wrong note – it's the note you play afterwards that makes it right or wrong.”  Leslie's newsletter:  The Art of Healthy Neglect Leslie-ism: People including kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have at the current time. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the second session with Emma, mother of four children. After just one session, Emma is having breakthroughs about how her own traumas are affecting her judgment with her kids. She and Leslie discuss the warning signs of rumination (a symptom of her anxiety) and how to reel it back in once she's started. They also work through a few role-playing scenarios in order to see  how Emma can validate her children without unfairly punishing them. Sibling dynamics are never easy, and while Emma's anxiety may be telling her she needs to “fix” every problem, Leslie gently reminds her that children don't need fixing, but they do need some very important things from their parents in order to feel emotionally safe and secure.Time Stamps4:34 Use the line “I wonder if…”  to clarify what your child is thinking or feeling6:31 Stop putting your adult expectations and standards on children8:43 The shift from being a victim in your relationships can be a shifting of expectations as well as empowering you with skills to make you feel confident in the situation.13:15 Whose problem is it?14:43 How body sensations help us identify emotional reactions. 16:06 Understanding Rumination (and how to prevent it)21:43 Is your child tuned into fairness and unfairness? And what it means in terms of sensitivity and dichotomous thinking23:50 How we help children have a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset25:17 Children repeat themselves when they don't feel they are being heard27:42 How to validate children: reflecting back what they're saying so they know you understand34:20 Shifting from “tell me what happened” to “what's your version of what happened  (each child tells their POV)35:51 We're not looking for blame, we're looking for understanding and empathy36:12 Shame: let's avoid interrogations, and make them feel safe insteadResources:  Video of Leslie doing a handstand to demonstrate the bottom up approach to mindfulnessVideo: The Story of Ruby- how misbehavior is a form of communicationBlog writing on Staying One Step Ahead of Your Child  Handout on  Conflict Resolution Strategies for Kids by ScholasticMindset by Carolyn Dweck: a book about fixed vs growth mindsetLeslie-ism:   Expect your children to misbehaveFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host, visit Leslie's website. You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. 

Today is the first of three sessions with Emma who is a mom of 4 children in a blended family. Henelly, her 7 year old daughter is from her first marriage. Emma and her second husband have 3 year old twins, Grayson and Claire and a new baby, Olivia.  Emma reached out for therapy concerned that Henelly is manipulating her. Parents may often feel this way but it's a serious accusation.  Leslie unpacks that word and explores how Emma's past experiences are influencing the way she interprets her child's communication style.  And there's more to this episode which includes when parents feel helpless, when kids give voice to the fighting refrain -  “it's mine, no, it's mine” and those seldom-working promises that you make with your children.Time Stamps4:30 Reframing the word manipulation - children are designed to get their needs. 7:10 Varying communication skills - nonverbal to indirect to direct 9:58 Examples of dialectic dilemmas - clearly articulate the dilemma13:00 Reinforce the behavior you want more of. 15:15 The continuum of nonverbal to indirect to direct21:20. The parent trap of promises22:43 Use the phrase “what's going to happen when….”25:00 How to give your child some healthy ways to be in "control"28:00 Reasons why children take on the role of parenting25;45 The feeling of being trapped is a terrible feeling. The antidote is identifying some options. 35:25 The unintended consequences of possessiveness of toys and finding a balance between mine and oursResources:  DBT Handout on levels of intensity for making a request Video on Levels of intensity for making a requestLeslie-ism: Fostering effective communication means learning to speak your child's language. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This week, host Leslie Cohen-Rubury sits down with anxiety expert Lynn Lyons. Together they discuss the challenges of parenting anxious children and the importance of addressing anxiety in families. Lynn's work is research-based and her practical strategies for dealing with anxiety may surprise you but will make sense as you listen to this episode.  There's a lot to learn about anxiety.  Leslie and Lynn's conversation focuses on how  parents and caregivers can unintentionally make anxiety worse, how anxiety works and how to live with it effectively - and no, the answer is not eliminating it.   About our Guest: Lynn Lyons is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker with over 30 years of experience and a special interest in interrupting the generational patterns of anxiety in families. Her latest book, The Anxiety Audit, looks at the seven sneaky ways that anxiety and worry weave their way into our families, friendships, and jobs, and provides actionable steps to reverse the cycle and reclaim emotional well-being. Her podcast, Flusterclux, is filled with so many of her strategies for managing anxiety, as is her website: lynnlyons.comTime Stamps3:43  Defining Anxiety5:00  Avoidance begets Avoidance8:43  The keys of anxiety are certainty and comfort9:38 Plans that work vs plans that don't work 12:20 The three X's - expect it, externalize it, experiment with it. 15:40 Elimination strategies make anxiety worse15:50 Tolerating uncertainty is what makes it better. 20:45 Research on kids who are raised by anxious parents - 4 takeaways26:25 Change the question from how do we help the child calm down to how does this child continue to freak themselves out. 29:20 Why the accommodation model at schools to treat anxiety is not working31:50  Parental Experiential Avoidance - Parents unable to tolerate their distress or their children's distress33:05 Expectations of therapy if your child is being treated for anxiety37:24 Stopping the transmission of generational anxiety38:40 Anxiety and Depression are disorders of passivity.  Retraining the brain for actionResources:  Website: lynnlyons.com  Podcast: Flusterclux.comInstagram: lynnlyonsanxiety  Facebook: Lynn Lyons PsychotherapistLeslie-ism: Remember Lynn Lyon's 3 X's - We need to expect it, externalize it, experiment when dealing with anxietyFor  more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. 

This episode is the third and final session with Leigh and Pierre whose nearly 5-year-old daughter Jean has big emotional reactions. Leslie explores how her big emotions and reactions part of a bigger picture of anxiety, perfectionism, and discomfort with vulnerability - things so many children struggle with.  And it's no surprise that Leigh and Pierre have their own history and journeys with anxiety and vulnerability.  Leslie talks about ways to manage anxiety in the day to day as well as in heightened emotional states for both parents and children. Leslie also recommends teaching mindfulness at an early age because you can't “control” those big emotional reactions in your child but with mindfulness, you can control how you and your child respond to them. Time Stamps3:30 Step one when facing challenging situations - make a list, visualize it, and carry it with you.   “Take anxiety with you when you travel” metaphorically. When you get new information from an evaluation9:53 Strategies to use when your child is having really big reactionsUsing a change in temperature to help calm your child 11:25 Teach your child the TIPP Skills from DIalectic Behavior Therapy - TIPP Skill12:25 When do you teach the skills to your child13:28 How do we  know if somethings not working - what does success  look like when you're teaching skills to your child  15:20 Mindful awareness of anxiety/discomfortObserve and describeChoose what you want to be mindful toRadical Acceptance: “it is what it is”Self-talk and Encouragement19:27 Teaching mindfulness to our even if there's nothing wrong - expose them to the concept of mindfulness at an early age so they can grow into - use it the word itself21:55 Mindfulness exercises as a family connection and togetherness24:30 Dealing with your child's big reactions in public - be compassionate with yourself26:37 The Power of Vulnerability - Learning to deal with the discomfort of the moment28:32 What a child needs from their parent Resources:  “Packing Anxiety with You” videoVictor Frankle Quote with Image:  Leslie's Handout on Breathing Mindfulness ExercisesVideo Bubble Bounce! Mindfulness for Children - a practical video to teach and practice your mindfulness skills"The Diving Reflex" video demonstrating one of the TIPP Skills - T: temperature change activating the diving reflex to help you calm downHandout explaining TIPP Skills from Dialectic Behavior TherapyLeslie-ism: Take a breath, take a pause and pay attention to what happens.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and 

This episode is part two of a three part series with Leigh and Pierre who have two daughters, Jean, almost 5 years old and Nina, 2 years old. This episode explores two very common parenting patterns: we want our children to fit in, and we don't want our children to suffer in ways we may have suffered. And yet, trying to force those things causes a different kind of suffering. Leigh and Pierre also seek to gain understanding of what they describe as Jean's “controlling behavior”.  Leslie supports Leigh and Pierre to understand the controlling behavior from the perspective of identifying its causes and function. These behaviors may be relatable for many families especially as it relates to anxiety.Time Stamps3:15  When parents replace the pressure to be like a “normal kid” with giving themselves permission to “not worry” or to accept who their child is3:55  Wanting the best for your child and what that means5:45 What it means when your child is a people pleaser 9:35 Children who are “observers”are actively learning an11:10 Assessing what is a child's behavior of shutting down communicatingI may not be readyI maybe be overstimulatedThere may be too much going onI don't know what is expected of meI don't like what is expected of me13:50 The fear of what will happen to my child as an adult15:15 Defining exposure work to teach children that they are capable of handling uncomfortable situations17:10 Assessing why some children will NOT try something new or shutdownAfraid of being watchedPerfectionism - I have to do it well or I don't want to do it at allNot feeling safe Feeling like she is not in control 20:05 How to give a child a sense of personal control25:35 When making travel plans - Use paper and pencil to make it concreteList what things will be fun and easyList what things will be challenging and hardRemember to add a space for unknowns and surprises that may happen31:31 What skills you can use if your child is in emotion mind - See the TIPP skills in show notesCold compress, cold airIntense exerciseParents talking quietly so your child has to listenParents talking about something that will catch your child's attentionResources:  TIPP SKILLS HANDOUT when your child is in emotion mind - and they cannot use other skills past their skills breakdown pointArticles explaining exposure therapy for children: Facing Fears:  How exposure therapy can help children with AnxietyExposure Therapy: Definition, Types, Approaches and MoreLeslie-ism: Try to let go of who you think your child should be, so they can grow into their best self.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and par

This is part one of a three-part series with parents Leigh and Pierre. Leigh is from the US and Pierre is from France, and they moved their family from France to the states one year ago. They have two children - almost 5 yr old Jean  and 2 year old Nina. However, they came to Leslie to talk  about Jean who is not speaking outside of her immediate family.  Over time, Leigh and Pierre have heard the diagnosis “selective mutism” and have made changes accordingly, but they're still struggling with what they should do. In this episode Leslie walks Leigh and Pierre through an assessment of why a child might be selectively speaking. While there are lots of causes, they mostly boil down to vulnerability. Is Jean stressing about her learning two languages at once? Struggling with perfectionism?  Or Is she not feeling safe when she's out in the world? We ask these questions and many more in this sessionTime StampsSelective MutismParents explain how they're reacting to their child's strugglesWhen parents can relate to their  struggles - is there a  genetic componentDeveloping an avoidant behavior: the child speaks when they feel safeConfidence, safety, willingness: 3 important things, without them child is left feeling vulnerableTalk about what perfectionism looks like in kids and adults. Perfectionism and its relationship to anxietyPractice being vulnerable - the problem with avoiding or suppressing those uncomfortable emotions. Some kids gravitate to only wanting to experience the pleasant emotionsPractice learning to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situationIndirect ways to support:Letting child use nonverbal and indirect communication (and validating it)When you're with other people, practice talking (not to them, but around them)Tell them “can you give yourself practice making a mistake”Resources:  The podcast Well, Hello Anxiety with Dr Jodi Richardson episode on selective mutism Other resources on selective mutismLeslie-ism: What is the loud and clear message you may be sending to your childFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today's is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie's 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn't understand how Carrie didn't hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.About our guests: Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.  Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness. Resources:Leslie's Handout on The Need to Feel Significant Leslei's Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of BelongingIs My Child a Monster?  S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale RuburyLeslie's video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us  to respect people for who they areLeslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.Timestamps:1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person's perspective 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean  It's Dale's problem, not Carrie'sGive compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment Connect to the child who is the “victim”

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let's not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie's focus on the parents helped them realize that  anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It's often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it's a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.Time Stamps5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or societyIt's not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painfulIt's my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone's faultIt's your job to make sure everyone has to be happy7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad. Use the phrase: That's your version,  this is my version.10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives11:15 Molly added the expression:  Don't yuk someone else's yum14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one's anxiety18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itselfSuppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a holeGet into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"21:55 Modeling for your children willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmasResources:  Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for AnxietyVideo of The Coping Skills Toolbox for AnxietyHandout on When Being Right is not Effective:  How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts: Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal EffectivenessMyths about EmotionsLeslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and 

Today's episode is the third session with Molly and Alastair where things take a turn inward. Molly and Alastair first contacted Leslie to get help with their two daughters, 8 year old Elizabeth and 4 year old Catherine but in the process began to face their own struggles with their belief systems and expectations.  In addition, in this session Molly and Alastair face the complexities of family communication and interactions. This episode throws a spotlight on the delicate dance of respecting different parenting styles. Leslie shares strategies to increase effective communication in their relationship.  In this heart-to-heart conversation you are bound to feel a shift in their perspective and possibly a shift in your own perspective as well.Time Stamps3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down Worry and stress about kids getting alongDesire to do things right causes us stress9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy11:50 Kids relax when parents aren't constantly trying to fix them.12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:You can say “Is that working for you” come in with a neutral non-judgmental stanceYou can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle” You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right  21:08 Find the positive intention of another person's behavior26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it One minute check inExpect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting Molly's idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on pointResources:  Handout on When Being Right is not Effective:  How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.Handout on Seeing the Positive Intention of Another Person's BehaviorLeslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is part two of three sessions with parents Molly and Alastair. Last week Leslie focused on the sibling dynamics between their daughters, 8-year-old Elizabeth and 4-year-old Katherine. This week we focus on a different kind of dynamic: the power struggle. In the fight for power between child and parent, Leslie offers an alternative: stop struggling for power and put an end to the power struggles. In this episode Leslie discusses identifying the problem behind the struggle, what the problem really is, whose problem is it, and learning to ask: can we try that again?Time Stamps:5:02 Whose problem is it? Is it the child's problem or is it the parent's problem7:07 Definition of power struggle8:15 What happens if the parent give in9:52 Example of sibling rivalry and how parents reinforce the escalation Strategies to deal with power struggles12:02 Say that you need a moment (to get into wise mind)12:39 Engage your child in the problem solving process 12:54 Do a pros and cons13:34 Notice and name what's going on14:12 Use the phrase “try it again”15:20 How to give the problem back to your child19:39 Go below the surface - Restate child's blaming statement into naming the underlying emotion23:10 Parenting using “try it again” between the parents27:31 If I had the superpower of mindreading - add levity to a situation and tapping into your child's imagination27:40 Mindreading is known as a problematic thinking problem28:23 Again - give the problem back to your child30:05 Stop and acknowledge when your child gets through a struggle - reinforce that they did it!!32:21 How to gain some distance and perspective on past experiences so you don't end up re-experiencing35:20 Naming the dialectic dilemma and identifying priorities36:10 Understanding how to find a synthesis as a solution to a dialectic dilemmaResources:  Handout titled:  Whose Problem is it?Handout on choosing between power over, power under and personal power belief systemLeslie-ism: When you don't like a Child's response use the phrase “Try Again” For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part one of the three part series with Molly and Alastair. These parents have 2 children who are very different. Elizabeth is 8 years old and is an easy going kid. Katherine is a high energy 4 year old with intense emotions and more challenging behaviors. While the parents originally reached out to Leslie for help with their youngest, this episode ended up focusing a little more on their eldest. How exactly can a parent make sure they're still there for a child when they don't need literal support? Turns out children may not need the same level of support but they do need the same level of connection. Leslie also discusses sibling dynamics, the myth of the “oldest sibling,” mom guilt, and more. Time Stamps8:30 Birth order traits - the oldest daughter who feels responsible for the younger sibling8:44 Pet peeve when parents say “YOU are the big sister” Or “you should act like the big sister”Tuning into our children - leads to strong attachments Observing our children help children feel like their parents see them and understand them12:55 Name the dilemmas - you want to take care of your sister AND you want to play with your own friends15:11 Metaphor of needing to go shopping, but prioritizing which store you can make it to today vs next shopping trip (drugstore, shoe store and grocery store)15:48 There is a difference between what's important to you and what's the priority of the moment22:07 She may not need the same level of support, but she does need the same level of connection.  25:22 The child coming from a secure, safe and validating environment is more prepared to cope with life challenges28:10 Mom's narrative - I was the capable one29:00 How to reassure and support Elizabeth (the “easy” child)Create a tool box:29:33 Notice and name her behavior29:47 Get rid of narrative of “you are the older sister or the big sister”30:45 Validate the hard parts35:00 If I had a magic wand31:36 What happens when the parent grew up with a sibling with disabilities33:36 Save the stories of your childhood when its not in the moment of emotional upset36:01 The metaphor of instruments in an orchestra - treating each musical instrument differently38:21 Whose problem is it?39:24 Myth - it's not ok for others to be upset with me. (mom still struggles with this)Resources:  Newsletter on myths that may be guiding your parenting that you may want to question, titled " Have you Outgrown your Childhood Beliefs?Video on how to deal with conflicting needs or wants using a metaphor of which store you choose to go toVideo: Orchestra Metaphor on how need to treat each instrument differently and with respectLeslie-ism: Remember to use “if I had a magic wand” For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, 

Today's bonus episode is with special guest Jamilah Lemieux, and it's all about therapy. Leslie and Jamilah discuss things like figuring out when to take your child to therapy, how to find therapists for all needs, how to talk to your kids about taking them to therapy, and more  If you're curious about therapy, for yourself or your kids or both, be sure to check out our resources. With some help, anyone can begin the journey to a better self.About the guests: Jamilah Lemieux is an American writer, cultural critic, and editor. She rose to prominence for her blog, The Beautiful Struggler. She has worked for Ebony, Cassius Magazine, and Interactive One, part of Radio One, Inc. Lemieux currently writes a parenting column and co-hosts for Slate's Care and Feeding Podcast formerly known as Mom & Dad Are Fighting.Resources:Resources for finding therapyJed Foundation's How to find  a culturally competent therapist which provides many resources for finding a therapist of colorTherapy for Black GirlsPsychology Today is a nationwide directory for therapists that can be sorted by location, insurance, specialty, and more.What Good is Therapy:  An article about the balance of insight and change as goals for therapyWhat kind of therapy do I need? A general review of the types of therapy, the types of therapists and other questionsA Glossary of Therapy Approaches and Modalities A very extensive list of the types of therapy modalities.Five Tips to Discuss Therapy with Their Child Handout by Andrea DornListen to Leslie's guest appearances on Slate's Mom and Dad are Fighting Podcast My Kid Refuses Therapy. I Think She Needs It   Slates parenting podcast on helping your kid feel better…and feel heard.  July 20,2023Is My Child a Monster?  Slate's parenting podcast on what we can learn from family therapy. July 24, 2023Leslie-ism:   Take the time to learn about therapy so you can recognize a good fitFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Commu

This week's episode is our last with single mother of three Salimah. After three sessions focusing on each one of her children, today Leslie turns the attention to Salimah and the many roles that she plays. Let's face it, being a parent is hard. It's important for parents to supply themselves with an anti-burnout toolkit while also giving themselves grace. In addition to learning to reduce and prevent burnout, Leslie and Salimah also talk candidly about how to advocate for yourself, how to ask for help, and how to get the support and validation you need from your community (and not just from your kids).Time Stamps6:47 “Kiss your brain” an expression of compassion when you are trying to be kind to yourself8:50 Parents should give themselves grace13:51 Braided hair analogy: the separate strands represent each child and you are them, woven together17:18 Correcting other people when they get your name wrong - why that can be so hard26:23 Praise vs feedbackTool box for burnout:10:43 Lowering expectations14:45 Get in touch with your values and beliefs21:07 Punctuate your life with pauses and taking breaks25:14 & 30:45 Get someone to acknowledge how hard you work26:56 Give yourself credit for effort28:00 Keep your head down and stay present33:30 & 36:39 Learn to ask for help34:31 Random acts of kindness37:39 When asking for help: How do you make sure you're not over-asking?38:04 Collect data - get the facts and ask yourself, am I really asking excessively?38:34 Is there any reciprocity? Identify the relationship and ask is what you're asking for fair from this type of relationship39:12 Give them permission to say “no” when you go for the ask and tell them you have other options40:51 Its ok to talk to strangersLinks:  Newsletter: Punctuate Your LifeNewsletter: How to ask for helpHandout on a practice of Self-Compassion called RAIN by Tara Brach. Video of the Weaving Braid metaphorLeslie-ism: Ask for help because you deserve to get itFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, , Mia Warren, Camila Salazar and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by AJ Moultrie. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part three of the four part series with Salimah, single mother of three. This week, Leslie and Salimah focus on 5 year old Terrel. Terrel is the youngest child and also the only “man of the house.” He is typically a happy go-lucky child. But there are other behaviors that have Salimah confused and frustrated.  He can sometimes say mean things, he can be quick to anger and he is dealing with issues with his bowel movements. These different parts of the same child motivated Salimah to come to this session to understand what is at the root of these behaviors.Time Stamps2:35 Reviewed homework of validation 5:16 Learning how to read the shoulder shrugs and what they mean7:40 When our children “push our buttons”  which really describe our vulnerabilities8:15 ABC of looking at a child's behavior: Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence in order to understand problem behavior13:29 Give your child back the actual problem without personalizing their behavior.  14:01 When children say mean things it's often a reflection of how they are doing26:05 Children can have control of their lives in two ways: eating and bowel movements26:50 Control helps the child feel a sense of safety.30:52 Finding other means to find happiness31:30 Dealing with his vulnerabilities of his sad and angry emotions34:09 Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions34:35 Give your child the chance to feel capable and independent36:48 Teach him to be able to handle the fearsResourcesAn article on Encopresis in childrenLeslie's handout on The Need to Feel CapableLeslie's List of Ideas for Making Kids Feel CapableLeslie-ism: Give your child a chance to feel capableFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Welcome to part 2 of our 4-part series with Salima, a single mother of three children with very different needs. Last week we discussed her middle child, 7 year old Rene. This week we focus on her oldest, 13 year old Alani. Alani has been getting in trouble at school and uses the “shoulder shrug” to dismiss all of Salimah's attempts to connect. Tune in to hear Leslie talk Salimah through ways to give your child the time and space to open up to you.Time Stamps:13:10 and 17:30 Narrate what you are doing so others can learn13:30 Choosing your words more intentionally14:00 Using imagery such as the ring of fire to increase the learning and understanding of a concept or skill.  15:27 Starting with validation before we start problem-solving17:54 When you ask the direct “why” questions, it can be like flashing a flashlight in someone's eyes. Instead make statements or observations19:30 Shifting  your expectations - short term vs long term parenting20:09 Role play21:33 Getting your reserved or shut down child to engage in conversation.22:51 Say less and give them space23:11 The dominoes metaphor27:20 The 5 communications of the shoulder shrug - it means different things at different times29:31 Parent's job description - helping a child understand who they are. To know who you are.31:18 The gift of connection - when our children think we know them better than they know themselves34:12 The six levels of validation (show notes link and possible newsletter or sample video)35:57 Validation is in the eye of the beholderResources:The 6 levels of validationVideo of the Domino AnalogyHow to guide to validation worksheet Leslie sent Salimah home withFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Turn your challenges into opportunities

This week we meet Salimah, single mother of three wonderful children, 13-year-old Alani, 7-year-old Rene, and 5-year-old Terrel. Parenting isn't one-size-fits-all, and Leslie's sessions with Salimah are a perfect example of that. The first of this four-part series focuses on middle child Rene. Salimah needs help figuring out why is Rene destroying her room, and how to handle those big emotions.TIME STAMPS6:58 The three states of mind- emotion mind, reasonable mind, wise mind8:05 The ring of fire as a metaphor when your child is emotionally dysregulated12:50 Explaining the difference between a trigger vs prompting eventCan you identify the five prompting events that set you off to emotion mind15:50 Power of pause - the gift of the pause16:55 Re-considering the use of time-out as a form of punishment20:40 Create a toolbox of alternatives of how to react when your child has the big emotions; how can you connect and at the same time to give her space Redirect them to do another activity such as go outsideProblem-solving or engaging in conflict resolution with the other personValidate and stop talking. Sometimes talking less is more effective.23:12 Narrate what you are doing and what you are thinking, as both a model and a strategy in difficult times25:49 Change your language away from “I'm in combat with my children,” which implies that they are your enemy 27:44 Having children put a mirror to us, and show us the ways we need to grow.33:00 Rules of the game - share with your children what you are thinking and doing Show Note Links:A visual explanation of the three states of mindVideo on three states of mindLeslie's blog posting explaining the three states of mindLeslie's newsletter on becoming aware of violent language: Why words matter?Two articles on why time-outs aren't effective: https://kidcrew.com/why-time-outs-are-not-effectivehttps://childmind.org/article/are-time-outs-harmful-kids/For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism:  Keep in mind: your words have power and you can choose what to say.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Brains can be confusing - how they work, what they do, how yours is different from other people's. And explaining brains to kids can be a challenge. Today's special guest is Dr. Liz Angoff, an Educational Psychologist who specializes in explaining brains to kids and their families. She primarily works with families undergoing assessment and diagnosis, but her tools and language are helpful for anyone who has a brain. Leslie has been recommending her book and website to clients for years. About our guest:  Liz Angoff, Ph.D., is a Licensed Educational Psychologist with a Diplomate in School Neuropsychology, providing assessment and consultation services to children and their families in the Bay Area, CA. Dr. Liz's mission is to empower children and families by helping them understand their amazing, unique brains. She is the author of the Brain Building Books, tools for engaging children in understanding their learning and developmental differences as part of the assessment process. More information about Dr. Liz and her work is available atwww.ExplainingBrains.com.Timestamps:7:50 Understanding the difference between the medical model diagnosis and neurodivergent affirming language approach10:40 Different is not broken, different is a mismatch (between child and environment)17:41 Diagnosis can be powerful tool, gives you the language that can help meet our child's needs20:10 Validating a child's struggle is powerful20:53 How do you tell your child about their assessment28:12 How do I help my child to not have such a hard time32:27 Three things that Liz wants parents to take away from this conversationResources:Visit her website, full of wonderful resourcesHere is the script for explaining a diagnosis Dr. Liz mentioned in this episodeYou can find her book, The Brain Building Book, hereLeslie-ism: Dr. Liz said "Talk to your child about their brain, do it early, do it often.” For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the final session with Emilee and David. Emilee felt a big difference when she stepped back from her son's big reactions and no longer took his words and actions personally; that's a huge achievement. David said he felt less pressure on himself as a parent—also a huge achievement. In this session, Leslie also explained creative ways to teach children about emotions, like using children's books and other media. Leslie also addresses Jack's neuropsychological testing and the results. Leslie supports Emilee and David as they digest this helpful information while remembering to see Jack as a whole person.Time Stamps10:55 Throwing up analogy: a way to not take your children's words personally12:05 Neuropsychological testing and school accommodations17:35 How to teach your child about emotions- books, model it, watch other people, tell stories 24:01 Concept: being able to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time24:41 Bibliotherapy: using books to help teach children26:50 Receiving a diagnosis, and how to make it helpful and useful30:45 Movement breaks37:27 Childrens are like puppies: they all have big paws that they grow into, just like children and their big emotionsResources:  Video of throwing up analogyHandout of feeling words for kidsDr. Liz Angoff's Website and resources: How to explain testing to kidsLeslie's sample list of books she likes to read with childrenLeslie-ism:  Let's honor the individual learning styles of child and adults alikeFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David. In the first session, we learned about Jack, their six-year-old son who is having trouble expressing his emotions. He often defaults to kicking and saying “I don't know.” In this episode, Leslie looks closer at their differing parenting styles: David wants to get to the bottom of it, and Emilee tends to distract and redirect. Is it important to be on the exact same page as your partner when it comes to parenting styles? And what happens when what you dislike about your partner's approach is exactly what's missing  from your own.Time Stamps10:38 Anticipatory Anxiety: kids and adults can get more upset by the anticipation of the event than the event itself. 15:57 It's not misperception, but rather simply having a different perception18:00 Instinct to “get to the bottom of it” might be causing more stress18:30 Can we normalize emotions rather than inflating them19:18 When you have different parenting styles: determine what's working and what's not working.  19:45 How to get the best of both worlds22:08 Emily distracts and redirects (indirect) David wants to get to the bottom of things (direct)26:05 Announce and name what you are doing, the change you're imposing29:35 Their homework:  Don't work so hard34:40 Normalize children who are arguing vs teaching children conflict resolution skills36:50 The lost ART of healthy neglect 41:40 Use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”43:20 "Plant the seed" and get out of thereRESOURCES:  Why ‘how was school?' isn't a good question to ask kids. Here's a CNBC article with some ideas of what to say insteadDistress Tolerance STOP techniqueNYTimes article on unsupervised PlayThe Anti-Helicopter Parents Plea: Let Kids Play!Risky Play Encourages ResilienceLeslie's book recommendation: The Last Child in the Woods by Richard LouvLeslie-ism: Do LessFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Emilee and David.  Emilee and David have a six year old son who repeatedly says “I don't know” when they try to help their son understand his big emotions. Many parents like Emilee and David want to teach their children how to regulate their emotions and how to understand their emotions.  But what happens when what you are doing is not working and actually producing the very opposite results than what you were hoping for.  Time stamps:13:10 How children physically express their emotions, and what to do13:55  Name and notice those body sensations and physical actions16:07 Alexithymia: when a child doesn't have the skills to name what they are experiencing18:30 Masking: a survival tactic for social situations22:20 Change from asking questions like "how do you feel?" to making statements about the situation26:45 & 34:07 Social Signaling: what is your child communicating to others28:41 Go below the surface: anger with mean words and an intense physical response is above the surface and disappointment is below the surface30:50 Take the pressure off of the child to express their emotions32:27 Beware of praise and instead, give feedback 35:40 Create a bridge from the behavior to describing the emotion: children may need help finding the words40:50 What to do if your child is masking44:43 Difference between when a child WON'T express emotion versus when they CAN'TResources: AlexithymiaAutism Parenting Magazine's Guide to AlexithymiaChildren's Alexithymia Measure handoutThe Alexithymia Wheel and more resourcesMaskingMasking in Children ExplainedNHS's Guide on "Masking" Behavior in ChildrenPraise vs feedbackThe Psychology of Feedback vs PraiseHow to Give Feedback to Your ChildLeslie-ism: The slower you go, the faster you get there.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Season two of Is My Child a Monster? A parenting therapy podcast with host, Leslie Cohen-Rubury launches next week. The first full episode will drop on January 23, 2024! Listen to the trailer for a taste of whats to come.For more information about the Leslie Cohen-Rubury visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: The Is My Child A Monster? team is Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and me. Special thanks to Eric Rubury and Mia Warren. Theme music is by L-Ray Music.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This mini episode between season one and season two focuses on understanding your child's intense reactions. Although there are many causes for a child's strong reactivity, Leslie and returning guest Dale Rubury discuss expectations as one of those many causes behind those big reactions. Dale had a long list of unmet expectations from her childhood, so she joins her mom on today's episode to unpack one example for parents and caregivers to learn from.About the Guest:Dale Rubury is Leslie's daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today's guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. Time Stamps:1:48 Parents often say “what's the big deal?” when their child is having such a big reaction3:40 Kids can have a “script” in their head about how they think things should go.3:50 Ironically, parents also have “shoulds” in their head about how they think things should go6:00 Assume that the child feels embarrassment and shame about their reaction7:11 Add compassion to the child's reaction 7:55 “Staying One Step Ahead of you Child” - we do this by understanding what is happening below the surface of the child's reaction8:39 Look for the prompting event such as the child's expectation which set off this whole chain reaction8:56 Parents may personalize the child's behavior which will add to the problems9:20 Ask yourself what's my problem, what's my child's problem12:08 How to teach “expect the unexpected” to your child13:10 Ask your child before they do something “what are your expectations of….”For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community on Facebook.  Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today's bonus episode is with special guests — and Leslie's former clients — comedian Micheal Ian Black and interior designer Martha Hagen-Black. They join me to talk through holiday stress, and how to manage expectations around family and holiday plans. About the guests:Micheal Ian Black is a comedian, actor, author and podcast host. You can find his podcast, Obscure, here.Martha Hagen-Black is an interior designer, murder mystery lover, and architecture nerd. You can find more about her work on her Instagram @studiohagenhus.Show Note Links:Cope Ahead Video: A Dialectic Behavior Therapy SkillLeslie-ism:  May you find moments of joy in your holiday season.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences around holiday issues at Is My Child A Monster? Parenting Community on Facebook.  Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Is My Child A Monster? is on break, but we're looking for guests for season two! So this between season bonus episode is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper about what happens behind the scenes making the podcast. They discuss what it's like to be a guest on the podcast as well as what types of parenting questions and concerns they're hoping parents and caregivers bring to them next season.  Learn about why and when you might choose to volunteer and get free therapy and how to apply to come on the show. Alletta Cooper is a freelance producer, researcher, and storytelling consultant with more than a decade of experience in podcasting. She's worked with clients including StoryCorps, Google, The Mellon Foundation, and On Being Studios. Alletta is a recovering "Monster Child" who is delighted to work with the Is My Child A Monster? team to bring practical, skills-based therapy to curious parents and caregivers. She also once won an episode of Wheel of Fortune. Find out more about her work at allettacooper.com.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

We're between seasons right now, but for those of you who joined us later in the season we wanted to revisit this earlier episode about when children are afraid to do new things with my parent guests Michelle and Emiliano. This is a common topic for many caregivers.  If you've heard it before I invite you to re-listen, as a way to reinforce new skills. And you might hear something you didn't hear the first time!There is a newsletter that comes out bi-weekly! The next one is about living life according to your values and what to do when those values are in conflict.   It happens everyday.  In this episode Michelle and Emiliano's values are also in conflict.  Do they respect their child's desire to say NO, or do they honor their value of exposing her to a rich experience.  You can listen to this episode with the new perspective of what to do when your values are in conflict.  You can find the link to this newsletter in the show notes. Or sign up at ismychildamonster.comShow Notes:Go to ismychildamonster.com to sign up for the newsletterCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is a change in our typical format where parents share their struggles and challenges in therapy sessions recorded live.  This is a conversation between Leslie and her daughter, Dale. It focuses on the topic of raising a responsible child versus an obedient child.  We all want children who listen to us. But it's not as simple as telling our children what to do, and expecting them to do it. In today's conversation, Leslie will help us define the difference between these two ideas. Dale and Leslie explore these ideas in her childhood and reflect on the value of these principles in her adult lifeDale Rubury is Leslie's daughter, a producer of this podcast, and today's guest. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently pursuing a degree as a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety. Time Stamps4:08 The dangerous side of raising an obedient child that you don't always think about.4:48 Raising a responsible child means raising a “thinking child”5:55 Using the line “I see that you are practicing being a teenager” when teens talk back to their parents7:30 Powering over your child vs giving your child “personal power”9:42  Engage your child in the process of chores to increase and motivation cooperation10:30  the importance of giving children choices and loosening the reins to allow for more freedom and autonomy in their daily responsibilities.11:22 Leslie Cohen-Rubury suggests giving children more risks to take to make them feel capable and confident, which leads to increased cooperation.15:10 In order to foster cooperation, let your child take more risks. More capable more confident  which leads to be more cooperative 20:55 Balancing limits for the child and respect for the child23:45 Complaining is a secondary problem to doing the chore.  Instead MAINTAIN YOUR FOCUS on what you are asking your child to do.24:50 Use the paradoxical statement “It looks like you need more practice doing the dishes”  when your child is complaining. 27:25 Raising an obedient child means you may end up with a selfish child who uses victim language27:55 Raising an obedient child ends up feeling smaller vs raising a responsible child helps to empower the child29:00 How power struggles develop between parent and child32:22 Are you coddling your child?  Do you think you are giving in to your child?  37:25 What it sounds like when you as the parent start defending yourself37:55 Brief description of the DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skill of check the facts 38:43 One interpretation of when your teen questions adults is to be grateful that you are raising a “thinking” individualShow Links:Handout of comparing Raising A Responsible Child Versus Raising An Obedient ChildFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcast/. You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism:  Raising responsible children who think for themselves is more important

This is part 3 of the 3 part series with Alice.  She's a recently divorced mother of two boys, Dan, who's nine, and Jake, who's six. In the first two sessions, Alice and Leslie focus a lot on her anxieties about her children, and her parenting perfectionism. It's so hard to raise kids, especially after a big life change, like divorce. This episode, Alice reviews what strategies have been working, and what still needs work. Today's session focuses on additional practical strategies for things like chores, politeness, and the transition between Mom's house and Dad's house. Time Stamps7:25 How much control do I give my child? A discussion of personal power vs powering over another person9:35 Example of dialectic thinking for a child who they should have done something different11:10 Zoom in and Zoom out15:50 Flexibility and flow when the kids transition between two homes 20:10 What to do when your child refuses to do what you ask them to do21:00 Raising a responsible child, not an obedient child22:20 Joining your kids in the chaos of yelling25:07 An example of the paradox of parenting27:12 Resist the urge to fix the moment 30:36 What to do when your child says no. - give them space31:35 Leave the complaint, Don't pick up the complaint and it won't go anywhere32:05 Maintain your focus and don't get distracted by the complaints - using an example of picking up your child at a friend's houseFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: You need both insight and practical skills in order to make a change in your parenting.Show Note Links:Leslie was interviewed on Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene.  You can listen to that interview here where we discuss the causes of certain behaviors of children.  You can also follow Rebecca Greene at:Blog  https://www.whinypaluza.com/Facebook  https://www.facebook.com/whinypaluzaparentingInstagram https://www.instagram.com/becgreene5/ @becgreene5Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 3 part series with Alice who is parenting her two boys Dan, 9 years old and Jake, 6 years old.  Alice is coming to this therapy session feeling overwhelmed and not having the time and focus to do what we talked about in the previous session. Parenting IS overwhelming and its very likely that many of you also feel overwhelmed. We unpack those feelings and discuss strategies to help Alice stay present in her parenting. You can't do it all. And sometimes we just need permission to let go of other people's expectations.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:14:13 Being overwhelmed by thoughts, beliefs and shoulds:  Is that adding any value?17:35 The difference between mindfulness and meditation18:03 Definition of mindfulness20:52 Understanding the doing mind vs the being mind23:09 Identifying a parenting myth: “It only counts if we are interacting together”24:25 Connection is the foundation of your parent-child relationship26:35 Examples of how to “be” present with your children31:35 The richness of diversity between the parents33:50 What to do with nagging thoughts 37:49 Take another look at politeness38:46 Are you modeling politeness: Do you actions speak louder than words40:50 How to cue a child to develop their manners without shaming themLeslie-ism: Being present is more important than being perfect.Show Note Links:A short video of Jon Kabat Zinn who describes mindfulness Handout on Being Mind and Doing MindA short video on Balancing the Doing Mind and the Being MindCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Alice.  Alice is a recently divorce parent with two boys ages 9 and 6  In Part 1 we learn about Dan who struggles with FAIRNESS, often melting down in ways that impact that whole family.  We will discuss the candy wars, the ruined birthday parties, and the issue of fairness. Alice also admits that she is struggling with the fear of being a bad parent and worries about who her son will be as an adult. For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:6:12 The need to see and heard and understood6:45 Use the phrase “I notice….” to help your child gain intrapersonal and interpersonal awareness 9:40 Validation - not all validation is not all equal - its in the eye of the beholder - try to get the primary emotion - I identify when you unintentionally invalidate your child12:05 We are parenting in the short term and the long term15:43 Do you expect your child to misbehave? We actually need to expect our child to misbehave16:41 When parents feel like they are a failure17:49 and 18:50 Examples of using the skill of coping ahead for the misbehavior:  “Bring it on” 20:45 Talking about the fear of what your child will be like when they grow up26;26 The issue of fairness and unfairness27:35 When kids need predictability and uncertainty31:28 The difference between equality and equity33:50 An example of dialectic dilemma35:20 Sibling rivalry as a process of individuation and differentiation40:16 Think outside the box - fill the emotional bank45:05 When parents feel like their children are manipulating them46:14 The “shoulds” that parents may feel.Leslie-ism:  Take a moment to check your own expectations, check your fears and check your shoulds.Show Note Links:A visual image illustrating the difference between equality and equityAn article on Why kids have meltdowns afterschool A blog posting exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood  A blog posting exploring The Need to BelongCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a special episode in which Leslie is joined by guest Lindz Amer (they/them) to talk about their work within the LGBTQ+ community. Leslie and Lindz talk about various topics regarding being a caretaker and ally to LGBTQ+ children. Last week's episode was about parenting Jack, a transgender child.  Leslie wanted to have Lindz on the podcast to further discuss the important ways we can create a safe and validating environment for LGBTQ+ children.:About today's guest:  Lindz created their award-winning LGBTQ+ family webseries Queer Kid Stuff in 2016 which now has 4M lifetime views and counting!  They are the author of the nonfiction parenting book Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies (St. Martin's Press) and their picture book Hooray for She, He, Ze and They! What are YOUR Pronouns Today? (Simon & Schuster, February 2024).  Currently they host the Rainbow Parenting Podcast and perform at school and libraries across the country, while writing and consulting for children's television.  You can watch their viral TED talk on why kids need to learn about gender and sexuality.  See Links below for these resources and more informationFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Leslie-ism: Take a look at the assumptions you are making about your child that may not even be true.Show Note Links:Here are the links to Lindz Amer's website, Rainbow Parenting, Hooray for She, He, Ze and They, Rainbow Parenting PodcastCredits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a single session with our guest May.  May is married to Charlie and they have a child named Jack.  Jack is 13 years old and was assigned female at birth, but identifies as they/him and approached May to start calling them Jack in middle school. May, who is wonderfully supportive of Jack, finds herself struggling to be the mediator between Jack and the conservative members of their family, including Jack's father, Charlie. In this episode, May's story will help us consider how we can best help a child navigate the complexities of gender identity and the associated stigmas. CW:  Brief mention of Self-harm and Statistics on Suicide in LGBTQ youthFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps: 15:10 Finding common ground between parent and child16:16 Different ways of responding to a problem25:00 Creating a validating environment27:00 Buddhist meditation:  Have strong back and soft heart40:10 Feel the fear and do it anywaysLeslie-ism: Keep in mind advocacy starts at homeShow Note Links:Call 988 - Suicide and crisis hotline. Available 24 hours.  If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts.LGBTQ+ Resources https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ https://glaad.org/transgender/resources/https://thesafezoneproject.com/resources/vocabulary/Research on a validating environment for the well being of LGBTQ youthQuotes on Courage including Maya Angelou'sBrene Brown's Strong Backs, Soft fronts + Wild Hearts on Unlocking Us PodcastStrong Back, Soft Heart meditation by Roshi Joan Halifax starting at 27:35 on Omega's podcast.Handout on the Five Ways Solve to a Problem Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 2 part series with Zach and Sarah.  Sarah and Zach are divorced co-parents of two children. They came to Leslie to talk about Andrew, their 16-year-old son who is withdrawn and struggling in school. Last session Leslie explored ways to approach Andrew with curiosity and compassion in order to connect with him. She touched on family dynamics and how Andrew may feel like an outsider in a family of high achievers. We're going to dive more deeply into that today - how putting pressure on your child, intentionally or otherwise, can set them up for shame and anxiety. Having intense feelings like you are not good enough or that you can't live up to your parents expectations (perceived or real) can cause major disruptions even when it's unintended by the parents.  Parenting is hard and we are all learning as we go. Sarah and Zach are dealing with very different issues with their two children.  Andrew's withdrawn behavior can feel so invalidating to the parent who is trying hard. Parenting the challenging child as we hear in this episode, is not very validating because your child doesn't tell you that you're doing a great job. Even though we all love getting the smile, the hug, and hearing the words, I love you, it's  NOT the child's job to validate you. Remember, they're just trying to survive adolescence. Parenting is hard and so is being a teenager.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie's work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Time stamps:5:15 “Shoulding” your child is shaming your child8:05  Teaching parents to not work so hard8:14  Talking less.  Listen more to your kids.  Listen twice as much as you talk8:45 Nonverbal ways of connecting with your child8:53 Make simple observations. Use the phrase “I notice that” Connecting to your kid in simple little ways that don't put them in the “hot seat”9:26 Say it and let it go10:01 Indirect ways of connecting: talk about yourself10:35 Be a real person12:35 Manage your expectations and don't personalize what your teen says or what they do.15:50 Three Step Apology17:10 The core belief of shame and what that means26:54 Feel the fear and do it anyways:  People/children may not realize that the anxiety is often present when you are doing something new27:41 “Can you give yourself permission to….”28:25 “You must have a good reason for…” 34:18 Creative solution brainstorming with your child - Practice brainstorming without evaluation36:52 Shaping behavior - step by step successes.Leslie-ism: Practice listening to your child - We have two ears and one mouth - listen twice as much as you talk.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O'Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.