What You Need to Know with Geoff Plitt

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A viral video has emerged of Joe Rogan spending 20 minutes in an ice bath. You know, it's nice to see Rogan finally shriveling something else besides the minds of his listeners. In the UK, a Brad Pitt look-alike says he had to delete dating apps after being "stalked" by women. Apparently it got real bad when he wouldn't be left alone by a Jennifer Aniston look alike. And you know what? It's exactly the same for us "Sprint Guy" lookalikes. Exactly the same. Did you guys catch this? LeVar Burton's Jeopardy guest-hosting debut was overshadowed by something bizarre: a contestant's points sank to negative $7,400 and broke the record for lowest score ever. Dang! Looks like someone never watched Reading Rainbow! In professional wrestling news, Chris Jericho had his face grated by a pizza slicer in a bizarre, gruesome match. Even more painful and gross, Jericho was then forced to eat a slice of Papa John's. Listen up, Olympics fans! Forget the human athletes, because this basketball robot stole the show by sinking perfect half-court shots and 3-pointers. Apparently the beta versions were all painted white and it couldn't hit a single shot, but painting them black fixed the issue. Part of me is scared by this kind of technology, but the other part of me wants to know: is it available this Saturday to play in my pick up game? Finally, Ben Affleck was caught in a paparazzi photo grabbing himself a handful of J Lo as they chilled on a yacht. No word yet on whether J Lo grabbed herself a handful of Ben's Beantown. Oh I'm getting an update: it was actually a rehearsal for the new movie Batman vs. Superbutt.

Check this out. The latest Biden gaffe is, Joe claims he used to drive an 18-wheeler. Maybe he's thinking of an Amtrak train? They have at least 18 wheels. Oh, I'm getting an update: he now claims he remembers when there weren't any wheels. In White House news, Biden has ordered immigration judges to stop using the term "alien". Instead, they must now use the term "future democrat". Did you guys catch this? Donald Trump said LeBron James should get "sex reassignment surgery" and compete in women's sports. Looks like someone leaked to Trump the script for Space Jam 3. This is scary. According to a new poll, 47% of Republicans say the time will come "to take the law into our own hands". I guess they have no choice because Trump's hands aren't big enough to take anything. Anyway, for more on this story, check out NBC's newest show, Law and Mental Disorder. Finally, here's something that made me giggle. The newest trend in the dominatrix community is demanding their submissives get vaxxed. I guess that explains Joe Biden's new wardrobe choices.

In Insurrection news, the Capitol rioter known as the "QAnon Shaman" is negotiating a deal to plead guilty under reduced charges due to a mental health disorder. Woah, woah, woah. You're telling me this guy has a screw loose? I can't see it. Here's something gross. A video has emerged showing a woman's landlord sneaking into her room and sniffing her sheets. In his defense, he said he had Covid and this is the best way to get back his sense of smell. In Jeff Bezos news, America's least favorite billionaire is back from space, but check this out-- the FAA trolled him by changing the rules that same day so he is not technically an astronaut, since he did not personally handle flight safety. I doubt Jeff cares anyway. He prefers the term "space cowboy" Did you guys catch this? Twitter is testing a feature that allows people to down-vote tweets they don't like. Finally, a way to be negative on twitter! I've been waiting so long. Here's something scary. For the first time ever, scientists have witnessed chimps killing gorillas. Hollywood is already working on a movie about it, and the working title is "Bonzo vs Koko: Jungle Cage Match". Finally, something for your nightmares. The newest trend in the crocheting community is making life-like babies out of fabric. Ironically once you see one it will take you 9 months to recover from it. And for an extra $100, you can even get one that won't murder your entire family while you sleep!

In New Jersey, a girl was caught on video on an amusement park ride getting smacked in the face by a seagull. In a related story, the Seagull News Network, SNN, says there's an alarming up-tick in human girls getting in the way while you're trying to fly away from New Jersey. In the Netherlands, there's a new record for the world's most-expensive burger; at $7k a plate. Wow, inflation is getting out of control. Apparently it comes with King Crab, Dom Perignon-battered onion rings, Italian White Truffle, Beluga Caviar, gold-crusted saffron, and Macallan single-malt Rare Cask scotch -infused BBQ sauce. Know what it doesn't come with? A safe to lock it up in. Listen up, MMA fans. Conor McGregor seems to have gotten over his recent UFC loss and broken leg, because he just got a $3.5M Lamborghini yacht. Good to see he's gotten his sea legs. Sorry, sea "leg". In Toronto, a gym called Fearless Boxing has banned entry to anyone who HAS been vaccinated. I guess the only thing fearless there now is the coronavirus itself. My sources say in order to prove you haven't been vaccinated, they make you bring a low scoring IQ test result. Finally, Taco Bell's menu has been hit hard by shortages of many ingredients, including chicken, beef, tortillas and hot sauce. But don't worry, even without any of those things they can probably still make you a Naked Chicken Chalupa to their same high standards of quality. God knows what the hell is in there.

Good news, emoji fans. There will be several new emojis later this year-- including a pregnant man. It's perfect for everyday scenarios like when your friend says "whatcha doing" and you don't have the energy to write back "I'm watching that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, JUNIOR." In nutrition news, food experts are reminding people that Pringles, Pop Tarts, Fruit by the Foot, Ritz Crackers, Bagels, and Swedish Fish, are all part of a Vegan diet. I guess that's true, but guess what? If you eat nothing but those things, it's also all part of getting diabetes! Here's something weird. A voice actor who does impersonations of The Rock has revealed that he is in a "throuple" with a wife and a lover, all living together. The wife wants to leave but says she's stuck between The rock and a hard place. I give it 6 months before they're all in throuples therapy. In Ohio, a state trooper used the Heimlich maneuver to save a driver from choking on a bag of weed. That's crazy-- a cop actually helping someone who couldn't breathe!? Finally, some good news from the scene of the Florida condo collapse tragedy: a family was reunited after 2 weeks with their missing cat, Binx. Oh I'm getting an update: once the authorities discovered the cat was related to Jar Jar it was placed right back into the rubble.

In Malaysia, police destroyed 1,069 bitcoin mining computers with a huge steamroller. Asked how he felt when he heard about this, Elon Musk said "it's difficult"). In the UK, a pair of underwear once worn by Hitler's wife sold for $4k at auction. The sick part is, you just know whoever bought them is wearing them right now. In the UK, a man is lucky to be alive after using what he thought was an electric shaver but turned out to be a taser. Not so lucky: it was the one day a month that he shaves his balls. In Norway, the official beach volleyball commissioner has threatened fines if female athletes wear shorts covering more than 10cm of their butts. In retaliation, the female athletes have pledged to each gain 100 pounds. Finally, in South Korea, a new toilet turns your poop into electricity and bitcoin. Wow, people kept telling me I needed to get into Bitcoin, but now I realize it's been inside of me all along!

In Fox News news, the network aired a bizarre segment where they had on Candace Owen's brother, Ty Smith, who claims that slavery was "never a race thing". Way to go Fox News, you finally found someone crazier than Candace Owens. Amazing to have all that dumb in one family. Check this out. In insurrection news, while raiding the home of a Jan 6 rioter, the FBI found a perfect built-to-scale model of the US Capitol, made out of LEGOs. The guy was charged with 10 counts of being a huge nerd. Apparently the only thing life-sized about the model was Donald Trump's hands. As punishment, he must disassemble it and walk on the pieces barefoot. Ouch! Did you guys catch this? The Pentagon has decided to cancel a $10B Microsoft cloud computing project codenamed "JEDI". In response, Microsoft said "Unfortunately, you cannot end a JEDI, you'll only make it more powerful than you can possibly imagine." Here's something fun. Matt Damon says he studied MAGA mentality while preparing for his latest acting role in the movie "Stillwater". It was actually pretty similar to his character Jason Bourne, because most Trump supporters often wake up not knowing absolutely anything going on. Finally, according to a new book, Trump repeatedly told chief of staff John Kelly that "Hitler did a lot of good things." Reality check, most historians agree that Hitler only did two good things: killing himself, and ruining charlie chaplin's mustache.

Get this. In New Zealand, a man set his house on fire after trying to cook steak in his toaster. Well done, sir. Well done. I hope there wasn't much damage... to the steak. In South America, a restaurant's chicken wings are so good, a guy refused to stop eating them while being robbed at gunpoint. It was the second time that day the customer had yelled out, "Just take my money!!" Here's something sad. Last week, a wedding chef died after falling into a vat of chicken soup he was preparing. It's a lesson to us all. Chicken soup CAN be for the soul, but it can also take a soul away. In Great Britain, a guy has become famous for being the first man to break his penis length-wise while having sex. On the bright side, the guy now has the best pick up line ever: "Wanna sign my cast?" Finally, Joey Chestnut won his 14th straight Hot Dog eating contest, beating his own record by devouring 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Fun fact: he beat another record later that day, by devouring 17 bottles of Tums.

In Olympics news, Sha'Carri Richardson has been disqualified from the 100m dash for a positive marijuana test. I don't see how getting *high would even help you in the 100m dash…. now pole vaulters, that's a different story. Weed enthusiasts have already named a new strain after her: Hundred-meter Hash.  In a move many are saying is racist, the Tokyo Olympics has banned swim caps designed for afros, aka the "Soul Cap". Why are they so afraid of that? They should be focused on banning something way worse: the soul patch. Sorry, Jeff Bezos. Virgin Galactic will send Richard Branson to space just days before Jeff gets there. Historian's say it's one small step for a billionaire, one giant leap for a hundred-billionaire. "I'm not jealous at all," said Jeff Bezos while polishing his new Richard-Branson-seeking missiles. Did you guys catch this? James Gandolfini's son Michael will soon debut as young Tony in a prequel to The Sopranos called "The Many Saints of Newark". Fans are excited to get an answer on who would win in a fight: Young Tony or Young Sheldon. Finally, the "Real Doll" company may have struck gold again, by debuting the world's first elderly sex robot, complete with "wrinkles and silver hair". Even better, it's covered through Medicaid. For that extra touch of realism, when you start to have sex with the robot, it goes into cardiac arrest.

In Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg posted a cringey video of himself foil surfing while holding an American flag. Hey at least it's better than his old hobby: foiling democracy. Facebook is testing prompts that ask users if they're worried a friend is "becoming an extremist". The way it works is, if you select "yes", that friend will be all you ever see on your feed. And does extreme sports count as extremism?  'Cause I know a guy. In Donald Trump news, Junior may have accidentally ruined his dad's defense strategy in the New York tax fraud case by posting a 13 minute video admitting Trump personally paid for Weisselberg's grandkids' school. Oh, I'm getting an update: the 11-year-old grand-kid has just graduated from 6th grade and is now a professor at Trump University. Check this out. A rare copy of the Declaration of Independence found in someone's attic has sold for $4.4M. "Sweet! I finally have all the clues I need to solve the riddle of the Freemasons", said Nicolas Cage. Finally, move over, QAnon, there's a new crazy conspiracy theory in town. A group of wackos in Missouri held a huge rally to spread their belief that "birds aren't real". Apparently they stick to the absurd belief that all birds are government-controlled drone fakes. Hey nutjobs, I got one for ya. Is this bird real?

In Florida, a woman named Booze crashed into a Taco Bell sign while driving drunk. She was sentenced to 30 days in jail and has to legally change her name to "Sobriety". Here's something scary. A group of researchers is calling for regulations on "dream advertising", warning that your Alexa device may soon be used to play ads while you sleep. Hey Alexa... why do I have a craving for Burger King's new hand-breaded chicken sandwich? -"Sweet dreams, Geoff". In space news, scientists have identified 29 exoplanets that are close enough for aliens to observe Earth if they wanted to. Hey aliens, if you're spying on me right now...please don't tell anyone what I do between 11pm and midnight. That's "Geoff time"! Finally, in Japan, an emergency crew of rescue divers rushed to save a naked "drowning woman", only to discover it was actually a floating sex doll. Just to be safe, they still gave it mouth to mouth.

In Marvel's Avengers news, the director behind the new "Loki" series has confirmed that the god of mischief is bisexual. I guess that explains why I caught him checking out my Asgard! Asked how he feels after experimenting with the same sex, Loki said "thor". Did you guys catch this? Britney Spears is finally opening up in court about the awful details of her conservatorship, including that her father forced her to wear an IUD, wouldn't let her get married, and made her perform while running a 102° fever. Hey Britney, at least you have a dad who cares about you. Must be nice! But I can sympathize. My conservators force me to tell hilarious jokes on camera every day for you guys Save me! In Rome, Pope Francis had an unusual encounter at his weekly audience meeting: Spider Man. Apparently Spidey loves the Pope's motto for the Church - with great power comes zero responsibility. Finally, according to a new interview, Kim Kardashian says she "probably" would not have been as successful without her sex tape. I just have one word to say: "probably"? In a related story, Charles Barkley says he probably wouldn't have been as successful without basketball. Listen Kim, if you really want to take your success to the next level, you could always do a sex tape... with me! Call me!

Check this out. According to a new book, President Trump asked his DOJ to make Saturday Night Live stop teasing him. They ignored him of course, but you know, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that on some level, Pete Davidson is more powerful than Bill Barr. In Kamala news, now that Vice President Harris has visited El Paso, right-wingers have predictably switched from "Why won't she visit the border" to "How dare she visit the border". Right on schedule. Meanwhile, Taco Bell fans are asking "Why won't she make a run for the border?" Quick QAnon update: the conspiracy-theory is now spreading like wildfire in California's yoga community. And they've got a great pitch: "Hey, do you like stretching? Try stretching the truth!". Finally, in New York, due to his bogus election fraud lies, Rudy Giuliani has been suspended from practicing law. Wow, if all that was practice, I'd hate to see him do the real thing.

In ice cream news, the CEO of Dippin' Dots has been sued by his ex-girlfriend over alleged revenge porn. I'm shocked! The CEO of Dippin' Dots had a girlfriend? My sources say the most embarrassing part of the video is that she's eating Häagen-Dazs. Did you guys catch this? A petition with thousands of signatures is demanding that Jeff Bezos not be allowed to return back to earth from his trip to space. Oh, I'm getting an update: 100% of the signatures are from his ex-wife. In India, the man with the "world's largest family", who had 39 wives, has died. Fun fact: due to his inheritance being spread very thin amongst so many heirs, his will is legally referred to as a "won't". Finally, a groom on TikTok has gone viral for checking his phone while his wife was walking down the aisle because, quote, "crypto never sleeps". I have feeling when they finally finished their vows, instead of saying "I do", he said "STONKS!"

Listen up, HBO Max customers: thousands of viewers, myself included, received a strange email with subject line "Integration Test #1", causing the company to issue an apology, saying "Yes, it was the intern". At first I thought "well they should fire that kid", but then I realized, I'm kind of looking forward to the Integration Test season finale. Oh I'm getting an update: they're about to punish the intern, let's cut to the live feed. In Supermodel news, Emily Ratajkowski is being "mom shamed" by the internet over the way she held her baby in a holiday photo, which some say is "child abuse". And yet nobody is talking about how she refuses to return my DMs, which is a clear case of "Geoff abuse". Listen up, collectors! Actress and model Cara 'Delevingne is auctioning off an NFT about her vagina. It's appropriate because NFTs are very similar to lady parts, in that I don't really have any clue how either of them work. Finally, bad news, Bruce Springsteen fans: if you want to see the Boss on Broadway this season, you'll need to be vaccinated, and the AstraZeneca vaccine doesn't qualify. When fans complained, Bruce said "Sorry, we're only honoring vaccines that were BORN IN THE USA". When asked how many doses of the vaccine you should get, Bruce said, "1, 2, 3, 4!"

Trump has announced he's writing a memoir, which he says will be "the book of all books". Ah, the books of all books written by the crook of all crooks. It'll be the first presidential memoir where the administration's accomplishments fit in a single footnote. Perfect book to pass the time while you're in prison for insurrection. Quick QAnon update. The latest conspiracy theory is they think there's a secret meaning behind the death of President Biden's dog champ. I did some digging and found that apparently Champ was a secret member of a Trumpy cult for dogs called Q-ute Anon. In Congress news, a new bill was passed making Juneteenth an official federal holiday. Fun fact: if it falls on the last day of the week, they call it "Black Friday"! In China, the hugely popular WeChat app has instituted a new rule: while recording a video, you are forbidden from picking your nose. I guess it's just like Confucius said: You can pick your nose, and you can pick your apps, but you can't pick your nose on an app. Finally, Kim Jong Un is looking much thinner these days, causing speculation about his health. Yeah, they weren't kidding when they said North Korea was running out of food. You're skin and bones, Kimmy!

In Donald Trump news, the former president says he will be reinstated as president by August. That'll be an interesting inaugural address. Not the speech-- the physical address--which will either be Leavenworth or Folsom prison. In Oklahoma, a highway was just named after Trump. If you want to know the exact location, it's the only patch of highway where all the cars drive in the far right lane. Did you guys catch this? John Hinckley Jr, the man who shot and almost killed President Reagan, has rebranded himself as a singer-songwriter and started a YouTube channel for his love songs. I wish him well. I just hope the ultra sensitive cancel culture Social justice warriors don't dig something objectionable up from his past. Bonus Story! In Florida, two children aged 12 and 14 stole AK-47s and went on a shooting rampage against the police. An official said they were still the best behaved teens in Florida that day.

In space news, Japan is planning to send a "transforming robot" to the Moon in 2022. Apparently the robot's primary mission will be TO FIND THE ALL SPARK! This is cool. NASA's rover on Mars has successfully split CO2 to make breathable air using an instrument called "Moxie". Now there's a rover with verve... panache... chutzpah even. But moxie? That's a stretch. And I expected more from you, NASA. In case you missed it last week, a "super blood moon" lit up skies around the world. You could tell it was a super blood moon because the moon was especially cranky and irritable. In Elon Musk news, Tesla has switched on interior cabin cameras in certain models to spy on drivers while using Autopilot. Not to make sure they're paying attention, just to make sure facial expression is at "peak smugness" at all times. Here's something scary. A new report says US soldiers accidentally exposed nuclear weapons secrets by using flashcard apps while studying. That's outrageous! That could be... that could be... oh yeah-- very dangerous for national security!

In Trump crime family news, the indictment is moving forward with a grand jury. When Trump heard that he said "That's right, it's the grandest, hugest, most beautiful jury in the history of juries." Quick QAnon update: the latest conspiracy theory is that UFO footage seen in the news lately is fake, and meant to distract us from voter fraud. So let me get this straight, they think UFOs are fake? They've gone so down the rabbit hole of conspiracies, they're back to... the truth? In old white guy news, Trump and Newt Gingrich are working on MAGA-based "contract with America". Right…. because if there's anything Trump's known for it's honoring contracts. Oh I've got some breaking news: the entire document is just the sentence "If you agree to vote for us, we agree to destroy America." Here's something that shouldn't surprise you. Kim Kardashian, who had been studying to be a lawyer, has failed a preliminary bar exam, but plans to try again. Apparently there weren't many questions on plastic surgery and sex tape law, which is really her forte. Check this out. Researchers at Duke University have created a "smart toilet" that takes photos of your poop before flushing and contacts your doctor if it detects a problem. And if there isn't a problem, it sends them to your ex. Finally, in breakfast news, Kellogg's has released a new LGBT cereal  called "Together with Pride" with room for kids to write their pronouns on the box. It's ironic because if there's one thing nobody has ever felt when eating a bowl of Fruit Loops or Frosted Flakes, it's pride.

Here's something bizarre. The CDC made a statement warning people not to kiss or snuggle poultry right now, due to salmonella. Wait, no kissing *or* snuggling? Is the CDC run by my ex? In Alabama, lawmakers have lifted a ban on yoga in public schools. Still banned in Alabama schools... science! In New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo has announced a "Vax & Scratch" lottery incentive for New York vaccinations. To win, you must be vaccinated and not one of Cuomo's sexual harassment accusers. Quick update from the finance world. Bank of America says they will raise their minimum employer wage to $25 by the year 2025. It sounds great until you realize that by then, $25 will be worth $7.25. Finally, in Austria, an elderly man had the wrong leg amputated. The doctor said "I'm so sorry. I'm really kicking myself over this. We've been trying to figure out how this happened, but like you, we're stumped." Oh I'm getting an update: the surgeon has been fired without severance.

Reports say "Indiana Jones 5" will take place in space. Indiana Jones fans everywhere responded, "He chose...poorly." Apparently most of the budget is allocated to filling a spaceship with snakes. And I'm still waiting for an Indiana Jones that will take place in goddam Indiana like it's supposed to! In White House news, the president is teaming up with dating apps to add special badges for those who are vaccinated. It's all part of Biden's plan to *really* bring this country together! In Florida, a "hangry" alligator chased people through a Wendy's parking lot. Scientists say another word for "hangry alligator" is "alligator". Hasbro is already working on their newest game for kids, Hangry Hangry Alligators  Finally, electric vehicle company Fisker has been hired to build an electric popemobile. The car has no navigation system, because, and I hope this is obvious, Christ will lead the way.

Here's something dumb. Rand Paul says he's not getting vaccinated because he already had Covid, which goes against CDC recommendations. He later said "But I could be swayed if you told me the vaccine came with a free perm". Good news! New York's attorney general has upgraded its investigation into the Trump family business to a "criminal" probe. Which means very soon every member of the Trump family will be standing in front of a judge and saying "I may have committed some light... treason". And Ivanka is already retooling her fashion line accordingly. In Giuliani news, Rudy's son Andrew is running for governor of NY, and claimed in an interview that he has 30 years of political experience despite being 35 years old. Look guys, it's not his fault he's bad at math. His dad only taught him the numbers 9 and 11. In Obama news, Barack was being interviewed about UFOs and had some very interesting thoughts on the matter.... You know, stuff like that fills me with wonder and hope. Hope that one of those UFOs contains his birth certificate. Finally, a new detail has emerged about the recent FBI raid on Rudy Giuliani's house: apparently they ended up seizing 18 electronic devices. Even stranger, only twelve of them were designed for butt stuff!

In the Ukraine, the government has seized alcohol made from radioactive Chernobyl apples. You do NOT want to see the worms that were in those apples. And I can see the sales pitch now. "If you're tired of booze that puts hair on your chest, try one that makes it fall out of your head!". In conspiracy theory news, those pesky anti-maskers are up to no good again, and you won't believe this. They're now ready to wear masks-- to protect themselves from vaccinated people. I think the solution is obvious: we need to develop a vaccine vaccine. In Tech news, a new detail has emerged from the Bill and Melinda Gates divorce proceedings: they are giving away most of their fortune, and their 3 kids will receive "only" $10M each. Even worse, the kids won't even get a free copy of Microsoft Office! In the UK, a train company is apologizing for the conductor saying "good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen" after a non-binary passenger complained. From now on, to cover all the bases, he'll say "Have a sh*tty, day, everybody!" Did you guys catch this? A video surfaced of Marjorie Taylor Green stalking AOC in the halls of Congress, yelling through her mail slot and vandalizing her guest book. Boy, they really hate each other. I've got an idea to bring them together! The Marjorie Taylor Greene New Deal! Set aside a trillion dollars to cut carbon emissions, and another trillion to combat Jewish Space Lasers. It's a win win! Finally, in New York, lawmakers passed a bill banning cops from having sex with people in custody. I guess that's why I saw protestors today chanting "Blue Sex Lives Matter".

Due to shortages, Chick-fil-A is now rationing out one dipping sauce per entrée. But don't worry-- homophobia is still unlimited. This made me smile. Gwyneth Paltrow has gone viral again, for admitting that she "broke down and ate bread" during lockdown. We've obtained exclusive footage of Gwyneth moments after she tasted it. "It is a new world!" In the UK, a 39-year-old mom says she'll be live-streaming her next birth for $15k on OnlyFans and will even be selling the breast milk. And she'll need all that money to cover the kid's psychiatry bills. I call dibs on the umbilical cord! Don't ask. In California, a woman says she lost a $26M lottery fortune by putting the ticket in the washing machine. She's in jail now, for obvious reasons-- money laundering. Did you guys catch this? Ellen Degeneres has announced she's ending her talk show. For her next job, she plans to work in a nuclear plant since she's most comfortable in toxic environments. Finally, a spokesman for the Yankees says 7 vaccinated members tested positive for Covid. On the bright side, it's the first positive news for the Yankees all year!

In Trump news, a new report says Donald's daughter Tiffany, and Don Jr's ex-wife Vanessa, both hooked up with secret service bodyguards. I guess that's why they just changed the agency's name to the "Well-I-Guess-the-Cat's-Out-of-the-Bag Service". Get this. There's a porn star running for governor of California, who has been campaigning mostly at strip clubs. My sources say she 's the first candidate to receive donations strictly in singles. And she's trending very high on the poles! In Ohio, the government is doing a "vaccination lottery", giving away $1M each to 5 lucky people who get the jab. Asked if they're funding anything for people who decide not to get the vaccine, officials said "Yes! Hospitals." In case you missed it, the CDC has finally announced they are authorizing the Pfizer vaccine for kids. But only for kids who can spell "Pfizer". Finally, Caitlyn Jenner was caught lying about her 2020 ballot, saying she "couldn't get excited" enough to vote, although public records say she did. Hey, if there's one thing Caitlyn's great at, it's changing her mind.

In Space news, many Americans were worried last week about an out-of-control Chinese rocket stage that eventually crashed into the Indian Ocean. When Elon Musk heard that, he said, "wait a second, you can *control* rockets??" Move over, Octomom. A woman in Mali has given birth to nine babies. Even stranger, the mom's name is Molly and she loves ecstasy. So the babies were born to Molly in Mali on molly. Good golly! In insect news, scientists have taught bees to identify coronavirus-positive people by smell within seconds. The way it works is, if a swarm of them sting you, you have coronavirus. You'll die from all the bee venom, but at least you'll know you had Covid. We've obtained an exclusive video of the first clinical trial... Here's something cute. According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names for the second year in a row are Olivia and Liam. Damn. I had my money on Tucker and Marjorie. In divorce news, Bill and Melinda Gates are splitting up. Their court documents cite irreconcilable operating systems. Meanwhile Bill is doing a media tour to dispel rumors that their arguments were about him being micro or soft. In New Zealand, a man is being prosecuted for drawing penises over potholes, which he says he did only to draw attention to get them fixed. Just goes to show that the right move is sometimes the dick move. You know, there was a kid in my high school who did that all the time. I guess he wanted to draw attention to the doors on the bathroom stalls to get them fixed. Finally, in New Jersey, more than 800 turtles were rescued from storm drains. Everyone was thrilled when they were rescued-- except for this guy. They should make this a new cartoon series! Tons of normal Jersey turtles, tons of normal Jersey turtles, tons of normal Jersey turtles. Found 'em in a storm drain. No powers. Oh, I'm getting an update: it's not as cute as I thought, because they turned out to be a different type of turtle.

In Saturday Night Live news, Elon Musk hosted SNL recently, which gave a big boost to ratings, but his favorite cryptocurrency Dogecoin, which had been on an epic upswing, crashed miserably. And they say Saturday Night Live isn't funny anymore. To the moon! In horse racing news, the Kentucky Derby champion, Medina Spirit, is under investigation for failing its drug test, but the trainer says it ate hay urinated on by a staff member who took cough medicine. Ah, the old "I ate tainted hay, I'm not on meth" excuse. Hey it kept Jesse Pinkman out of jail, why not a horse? Mother's Day was last Sunday, and animal rights group PETA honored Kim Kardashian by naming a rescued bovine "Kim Kowdashian" after her. How cute. In a related story, Kim just updated her website with limited edition Kowdashian leather handbags for just $50k each. In tech news, Twitter is testing a new feature that reminds users to be nice before replying. Hey Bumble, could you maybe add that feature for when I ask girls out on dates? Finally, a man was arrested at Kid Rock's restaurant after swinging his colostomy bag around and assaulting cops. Apparently it was the classiest thing that's happened at a Kid Rock restaurant in years.

In Giuliani news, Rudy is in big legal trouble, and is apparently so desperate for money, he's shrinking his "entourage". Oh no! That makes me sad. His entourage was my favorite TV show. This is great. John Cox, a Republican running to replace Gavin Newsom in the California recall, is complaining that his publicity stunt of using a live 1000-lb bear is only getting media coverage "for the bear". Mr. Cox later said in a statement "I'm asking people to stop focusing on the furry bear and start focusing on Cox. Get to know the Cox. Get up close and personal with the Cox. Why are you guys laughing? And why do people keep yelling at me "You suck, cox!"? Here's something irresponsible. Florida governor Ron DeSantis has decided to ignore the CDC and suspend all of the state's emergency COVID safety protocols. This is shocking. Florida has safety protocols? Did you guys catch this? The CIA released a ridiculous "woke" recruitment ad, which was panned by liberals and conservatives alike. Apparently these woke CIA agents will be tasked to infiltrate rogue governments and if they're not using their proper pronouns, we nuke them. Don't worry, if you're not a mentally-ill LGBT person-of-color, you can still get a job with Border Patrol. In canine news, The Obama family dog, Bo, passed away of cancer this week. Poor little guy. I can only think of one thing to say: Thanks Obamacare.

Good news for the West Coast: according to the COVID Data Tracker, California has the lowest rate of new Coronavirus cases in America. Good job guys! And to celebrate, we'll honor one of our state's oldest traditions: recalling the Governor. In tobacco news, the FDA says they're banning all menthol cigarettes and flavored cigars. Flavored cigars? What are the flavors? The only one I know is "old boomer asshole". In Torrance, a family came home to find an entire flock of birds had taken roost inside their home. The guy said "Why did this happen? Why? All we did was buy a Google Nest!" In Miami, a school run by anti-vaxxers is telling teachers they won't employ anybody who got the shot "until we find out how this 'experimental' drug impacts unvaccinated individuals". Unbelievable. Oh, this is right up my alley, I'll save you guys the trouble.... here it is. "It doesn't". Also you're stupid. Here's something bizarre. The CEO of a Silicon Valley startup was fired for micro-dosing LSD. It's especially ironic because like all tech CEOs, he was hired for *macro*-dosing B.S. Apparently the board knew he was on something when he started telling the truth to all the investors. Bad news for hard bodies like myself: many pools may be closed this summer due to the worst chlorine shortage the country has ever seen. It's a huge loss for swimmers, but a giant win for sensitive eyeballs worldwide. Finally, have you guys noticed this? Sales of Crocs are suddenly soaring, with the weird shoes being worn by all kinds of celebrities. Yeah, well color me unimpressed. Call me when Justin Bieber has Crocs. OK fine, call me when Post Malone has Crocs. What? Alright call me when Helen Mirren has them. OK ok... please stop calling me.

Here's something fun. A lyric in a new Snoop Dogg song is getting attention for implying that he smoked weed with Barack Obama in the White House. Asked to comment, Michelle said "I told you guys greens are important." But the Obamas are concerned this could alter Barack's legacy and make him viewed as... even cooler than he already is. In Washington DC, two cop cars were totaled after officers did an illegal drag race. So *that's* why they always pull people over and ask "how fast do you think you were going?" Jealousy! In Texas, a woman was charged with a felony for not returning a VHS tape, but didn't find out about it til 21 years later. She was sentenced to three years for theft and 30 years for not rewinding. In the UK, a guy robbed a McDonald's, demanding chicken McNuggets, but had to accept breakfast food because it was too early. Once they caught the guy, he was left with Egg McNothin'. He's in jail now, and his cellmate is, you guessed it, the Hamburglar. In New Zealand, a racing dog trainer has been disqualified after one of his greyhounds tested positive for Meth. And so marks the first time Jesse Pinkman is actually accurate ins calling a client "Bitch!" And now the search begins, to find the dog's dealer.

This is amazing. Jim Acosta has finally had it with Fox News, and you've got to see this clip. ("Bullshit factory") Hey that's not a fair comparison. At least at a bullshit factory, you can take home some fertilizer. Score! In theme park news, Disneyland is finally open again, and photos have emerged of guests crying as they enter the park. Not because of the reopening, but because they quickly realized Galaxy's Edge is so underwhelming. Check this out. A video went viral that showed an IHOP hostess failing to recognize Adam Sandler and telling him there would be a 30-minute wait. So...she feels bad for doing her job and not giving preferential treatment to a wealthy man? ("Shut up!") You're right. Sorry. In podcasting news, Joe Rogan is under fire for telling his listeners that if you're a young person, you shouldn't get the vaccine, which is of course horrendously false. He later clarified by saying "No one should listen to me for advice... I'm a moron!" And for one brief moment, all of America was unified in agreement. In vacation news, the European Union says vaccinated Americans will be allowed to visit Europe this summer, lifting the travel ban. Let's be honest, unvaccinated Americans wouldn't go to Europe anyway unless it was called the European Confederacy.

Biden gave a speech in Congress, which was historic mainly because it was the first time the president's 2nd and 3rd in line of succession were two women, which Vice President Harris and Speaker Pelosi celebrated with a cool little elbow-bump. It was a scene that had every woman in America wondering, how high is Biden's cholesterol exactly? Republican Liz Cheney responded to critics who slammed her for giving President Biden a fist-bump before his address to Congress by saying "We're not sworn enemies. We're Americans". You gotta understand, in the Cheney family, a fist bump is the highest form of respect. The second highest is a shotgun blast to the face. Did you guys catch this? Ted Cruz was caught napping during Biden's speech, which he later called "boring but radical". Well Sleepy Ted, maybe if you hadn't been dozing off, you would have noticed your father assassinating JFK! In conspiracy theory news, the latest lie conservatives are spreading is that Joe Biden is banning red meat, which of course is not even slightly true. In fact, Joe loves beef so much, he just invited Kanye and Taylor Swift to the White House on the same day. Another lie Fox News is pushing is that Kamala Harris' book was being given out to all migrant children, which was such a fake story, the "journalist'' who wrote it quit the New York Post for forcing her to write it. Look, if anyone does plan to give a book to every migrant child, might I suggest Derek Taylor Kent's bilingual classic, El Perro con Sombrero. My friend Derek assures you that I will receive no kickbacks for the ensuing bulk sales. In White House pet news, the Bidens will be getting a cat as the newest four-legged member of the first family, and their German Shepherd "Major" is currently being trained to accept him. The real breakthrough was when they realized the way to get Major to respect the cat is by naming him "General". It goes against the previous administration's tradition of naming pussies lurking around the White House "Jared Kushner". Finally, big news for the wax world: Kamala Harris will be Madame Tussaud's first ever vice president wax statue. Here's the clay model of Kamala they're using. Something's off, it doesn't seem creepy enough. There we go.

In pandemic news, Coronavirus is reaching new heights, literally, as new cases are popping up on Mount Everest. Climbing enthusiasts say climbing Mount Everest with COVID is the new Mount Everest. Here's something helpful. Neighborhood community app "Nextdoor" says they'll now alert a user if what they're about to post is racist. That story one more time: there hasn't been a single post on NextDoor for weeks. In case you missed it, the Mormon Church has excommunicated a sex therapist who told her fellow Mormons that same-sex marriage, masturbation, and pornography are OK. The head of the church said "We will never allow these unholy kinks to spread in our community. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put on my magic underwear and get to a polygamy party". Did you guys catch this? Ted Nugent, who said COVID-19 "is not a real pandemic", posted a video saying he got it-- bad. In a related story, I think I've finally found my favorite Ted Talk! Finally, after threatening President Biden to "not cross his red lines", Putin has pulled back troops from the Ukraine Border. He now says if we cross one more red line, he'll pull back his shirt from his nipple border.

In China, a new app by the government asks citizens to report anyone who has "mistaken opinions". Apparently, the most jail time goes to people who say the Star Wars prequel movies are the best ones in the franchise. In California, a burglar was arrested for a break-in after his bodily fluids, one in particular, was found on a laptop with porn in the browser history. Now there's a guy who can take away but also give something back. The dumbest part of this whole story... he forgot to steal the laptop! Here's something crazy. A former employee is suing Panda Express claiming they forced her to attend a seminar that had cult-like rituals and sexual humiliation. Experts say it's the creepiest Express since the Polar one. Finally, in Florida, a crazy woman put an Uber driver into a "crippler crossface" hold and nearly choked him out. No word on whether the referee in the car saw him tap or not. The driver now has to decide whether to press charges or put the video on pay-per-view.

Quick update from Cupertino. Apple's hot new product is something called AirTags, which helps you find lost items. Apple says the AirTags will ensure you'll never lose anything again... except all your money on frivolous Apple purchases. Check this out. According to experts, American honey is radioactive from decades of nuclear bomb testing. So if your honey says "Grade A", now you know the "A" stands for "Atomic". And that's why just like radioactive waste, your honey lasts forever! This is cool. Scientists say people who lost their sense of smell due to Covid can do "smell training" rehab to get it back. Apparently it works something like this. (Rocky montage) In the UK, scientists have found evidence of human-to-cat Covid transmission. The good news is, they're working on a vaccine for cats. The bad news is, your cat may refuse to take it. Finally, SpaceX has successfully sent four astronauts to the International Space Station on one of their "recycled" reusable rockets. Oh, I'm getting an update: the rocket has fallen apart because someone didn't separate their trash from their plastics. And that person... is YOU!

This is nuts. LeBron James tweeted-and-then-deleted a reaction to the knife-wielding black woman who was shot by a white policeman, but O.J. Simpson of all people tweeted that LeBron should "Wait for the facts!" And if that doesn't work, run away from the facts in your Ford Bronco. Here's a headline that would have been bonkers a year ago: Armie Hammer's disturbing sex slave instagram DMs are being sold as NFT art. That sounds like a bad idea, but as far as disturbing Armie Hammer art goes, it can't be worse than "The Lone Ranger." Did you guys catch this? Elon Musk will soon be hosting Saturday Night Live. I'm a little nervous for him. Because just like his rockets, his jokes always crash and burn. Unlike mine. Bad news guys. Restaurants are facing a nationwide chicken wing shortage. It has Buffalo, New York residents asking each other, "What will we do for every single meal now?" I guess people will just have to... eat full-size chicken. Oh, I'm getting an update: the CEO of Hooters wants all Americans to know they still have plenty of breasts. Finally, in an effort to reduce waste, Taco bell will start reusing hot sauce packets. Experts say it's the first time in history that eating at Taco Bell could lead to a *reduction* in waste.

Well, the Senate passed the COVID-19 Hate Crimes Act to combat hate crimes against Asian Americans by a vote of 94-1. The lone "no" vote was Josh Hawley, surprise surprise. My team found a fortune cookie Josh got at a Chinese restaurant the next day, and it said "You have no lucky numbers. Also you just ate poison." Tucker Carlson had a complete meltdown when his guest agreed with the Derek Chauvin guilty verdict. I'll bet when Tucker watches The Dark Knight he thinks Batman is the bad guy. I think he and the Joker would really get along. In crazy libertarian news, Senator Rand Paul says "If you want more people to get vaccinated, Joe Biden should go on national TV, take his mask off and burn it." I like that idea Rand, but only if we can burn it using your hair curlers. In Trump family news, sources say Don Jr. has emerged as his dad's top advisor. Not to be outdone, Eric Trump has proudly announced that he found a Blue's Clue! This one makes me smile. The city of Albuquerque has referred an unpaid bill for Donald Trump's reelection campaign to a debt collection agency. Don't worry Trump, I'm sure they'll assign you a kind, understanding debt collection officer. Here's something disgusting. Tucker Carlson's college yearbook revelaed he was a member of the Dan White Society, Dan White being the man who killed gay civil rights icon Harvey Milk. Tucker appeased critics by saying "Hey, I was a young man back then. Don't worry, I'm way more prejudiced now." Finally, this is amazing. MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell was in the middle of a telethon to launch his free-speech platform when he was tricked into thinking Donald Trump was on the phone. Wow, that was even more uncomfortable than his pillows. What a complete idiot. Hello? Joe Biden?? You're a big fan of my TikToks? What do you mean can you hear me now? Oh Goddammit.

Quick vaccine update. Johnson & Johnson's shot is on hold after a small number of people had blood clots. One thing's for sure: Johnson and Johnson is now anything but tear free. Good news, sunbathers. Researchers at Harvard have developed a new vaccine for skin cancer. "This is absolutely terrible news!" said the CEO of Banana Boat. In Pennsylvania, police have charged a man for burglarizing a woman's home and stealing her sex toys. He was sentenced to ten years of being his cellmate's sex toy. Apparently the police had an easy time bringing him in since he was already in handcuffs. Here's something dumb. A Christian group claims Yoga can leave you injured, psychotic, and a Hindu. Which is absurd of course. Everyone knows the real risks of Yoga are your dogs all going downward, the constant street Ffghting, and just becoming a person who won't stop talking about yoga. In New Zealand, a company is trying to add fun to final farewells by making custom caskets that look like anything from doughnuts to Star Trek to sail boats. Personally, I'd like to be buried in a casket painted with all of your incredibly supportive comments, like: "first", "not funny brah", and "are you the sprint guy?" Finally, in Tennessee, a man accidentally shot himself while trying on pants in Walmart dressing room. That poor guy. He's buying pants from Walmart?

This is so cool. NASA's "Ingenuity" helicopter made history on Mars by performing the first powered, controlled flight on another planet. My sources say it even spotted Matt Damon! We're coming for you soon, buddy! No we're not. More space news. Elon Musk's landed a $3B NASA contract for SpaceX to land the first woman on the Moon. Elon, if you're listening, I'd like to nominate Marjorie Taylor Greene, as long as we can use one of those SpaceX rockets that explodes every time it tries to land. In crypt-bro-currency news, Dogecoin, which was created as a joke, has surged 300% in one week due to Elon Musk's tweets. It makes you wonder, if dogs can make a currency, can they make a bank? Oh yeah I guess that's what Barclays is. Quick update on climate change. Researchers are working on a new way to fight global warming by cooling down the Earth with a new type of paint, the whitest shade ever created. Apparently the secret ingredient is a drop of blood from Mike Pence. Finally, a video emerged last week showing the NYPD patrolling the street with a Boston Dynamics "Digidog". Cops trained the robo-pooch on all the important commands, like sit, stay, and shoot-the-black-guy.

Here's something nuts. Jackass star Steve-O poured hot sauce directly into his eye during an episode of the "Hot Ones" challenge. It hurt so bad, he promised to only do it 20 more times. I hear Steve-O's optometrist is really enjoying that new yacht. Good news, potheads. Uber's CEO says the ride-hailing company may soon get into cannabis delivery.  Investors were skeptical until he showed them it would double the profits of Uber Eats. Unfortunately there's no word yet about surge pricing on April 20. Everybody's getting into the weed game. Family Matters star Jaleel White is launching a "Purple Urkle" line of marijuana products. It promises to have all customers saying "Did I smoke thaaaat?" This is scary. The Consumer Product Safety Commission is urging people with children at home to stop using the Peloton Tread Plus treadmill after a child died in an accident. What they won't tell you? Before he died, that child was ABSOLUTELY JACKED. Finally, in Houston, Domino's has launched pizza delivery by robot. That's a horrifying idea. Unless it means I don't have to tip them. In which case I welcome our deep-dish robot overlords.

In White House dog news, Biden's German Shepherd Major will be sent away for training after biting several people. It's a special obedience course that has calmed down many bad dogs called "Mailmen Lives Matter". After the training, Major hopes to return as an Admiral. In case you missed it, Mike Pence has undergone surgery to have a pacemaker implanted. Apparently his heartbeat has been irregular ever since he watched WAP. Hearing about Pence's new pacemaker has inspired capitol rioters to come up with a new chant for their next insurrection: Scare Mike Pence! Scare Mike Pence! In radical Democrat news, there's a new proposal to "pack" the Supreme Court with four new justices. Republicans are obviously angry about this, so Democrats said "Fine, if you don't like 13, we'll just do what hotels do and pretend the 13th justice is the 14th". In MyPillow CEO news, Mike Lindell says his new free-speech social network will ban posts that take God's name in vain. When Donald Trump heard that he said "I can't say my own name? This site sucks!" The good news is, the site has no restrictions on D-list pillow celebrities asking where they can buy crack and mustache grooming kits. Did you guys catch this? Ivanka Trump posted a vaccine selfie, but QAnon folks are saying it was photoshopped. Ivanka replied "That's ridiculous. I haven't used Photoshop since my modeling days." Bonus Story! According to Harvey Weinstein's attorney, the ex- Hollywood producer is going blind, losing teeth and "falling apart" in prison. When Cosby heard that, he said "#MeToo".

Here's something bizarre. In Thailand, a video has gone viral showing a giant lizard climbing the walls of a 7-11. In response, Warner Bros' marketing team has sent a giant monkey to I'm sure completely improve the situation there. In China, five hitmen were jailed after each one hired the next to carry out a murder that was never committed. Turns out, they weren't charged for attempted murder, but rather, for outsourcing. "We don't do that here," said China. Good news, Irish gay people! Ireland is now legally recognizing same sex parents. The catch is, all same-sex marriages have to be officiated by a Leprechaun. In the Philippines, a man who broke the Covid-19 curfew died after police forced him to do 300 squats as punishment. According to the expert who did the autopsy, it's the first time someone's cause of death was MAKING GAINS! Finally, after 30 years, the record holder for world's longest fingernails has cut them all off. Apparently the nails are now in Orlando as an exhibit at Ripley's Believe it Or Not. Will I be avoiding that place? You better believe it. And the first thing she did with short nails? Finally wiping.

Listen to this. According to a new study, redheads experience less pain because they have pigment cells that influence hormones related to opioid receptors. Whew! Now I don't have to feel so guilty about all the ones I beat up in middle school. In Elon Musk news, his Neuralink company has released a video where they've trained a monkey to play Pong with its mind. They've also trained him to constantly remind you that he beat you that one time. Oh, I'm getting an update: the monkey is now streaming on twitch and sponsored by Red Bull. Here's something scary. One of Elon's partners at Neural Link says "We could probably build Jurassic Park if we wanted to". I seem to recall there was a good reason we wouldn't want to... Listen up, carnivores. According to a new study at Tel Aviv University, there was a period of two million years where humans ate nothing but meat. Apparently there were a few vegetarians but they were so much weaker and annoying that the other humans would just eat them. In retail news, Best buy is launching a $200-a-year subscription plan called Best Buy Beta. "What a bargain!" said nobody. Fun fact, if you look up Best Buy Beta on the Better Business Bureau it says Bad Bad Bad. Finally, due to the pandemic, fast-food restaurants across the U.S. are facing a ketchup packet shortage. Franchise owners are asking people to send in all the ketchup packets sitting on that shelf in the fridge. Oh, I'm getting an update: they now have a surplus of 10 times as many as they need.

Sad News for the rap world-- Rapper DMX died last week. Most people don't know this, but DMX had a ton of kids-- 15 little DMX's by 15 different DM exes. He's the modern-day Genghis Khan. 1000 years from now, everyone will have DMX DNA. Did you guys catch this? Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter went viral for posting TikToks that roast her mom's "Goop" branded vagina products. As punishment, Gwyneth gave her a 20-minute time-out in the chamber of spores and kombucha she was birthed in. In Saturday Night Live News, 27-year-old Pete Davidson has finally moved out of his mom's basement. And directly into my basement. "Hey Pete! Get the fuck outta my basement!" Good news for fans of "Friends". Matthew Perry accidentally revealed that the reunion has already begun filming in a now-deleted Instagram photo. I guess they're in a hurry to finish filming before Jennifer Anniston realizes she's too good for this. This made me smile. Musical group OutKast started a huge online debate by sharing a tweet by comedian Ron Funches that claims they're better than the Beatles. Hey! ... Yah. Check this out. "Reading Rainbow" legend Levar Burton has started a petition to get the powers that be to let him host "Jeopardy!" I'll take actors desperate for work for $1,000 Alex. If they don't give him the job, I guess that means Levar was wrong when he said "I can be anything". Finally, Check this out. A heavy metal band of cats has dropped its first single for charity. Look Ginger, finally a band we can enjoy together!

In dictatorship news, North Korea says they have a perfect record with Coronavirus and have zero cases in the country. Riiiight. Same as the excellent job they did there stopping starvation, torture and bad haircuts. I believe it! Here's something for your nightmares. Rudy Giuliani's son Andrew says he's heavily considering a 2022 run for Governor of New York. It looks like he's serious about following in his dad's footsteps, because he just booked a sex shop parking lot for his announcement speech, and asked his cousin out on a date. Mike Pence has signed a 7 figure book deal. If you look inside, the book is dedicated to "Mother". Asked if that means his wife or his mom, he said "Both". Finally, according to Google, searches for "Trump" are at their lowest point since 2015. Also at that lowest point since 2015, Bernie Sanders' balls.

Here's something cool. Scientists have found that humans have the genetic foundation to create venom in our bodies, which could give new meaning to being a "toxic person". We've obtained exclusive footage of the doctor who made the discovery. In space exploration news, NASA has a helicopter on Mars which is preparing to land in an evaporated lake to search for signs of life. Oh I'm getting some breaking news: they've found not one, not two, but three forms of life! SpaceX is getting closer and closer to a voyage to the Red Planet, but their most recent rocket test sadly exploded… again. I'll be honest, at this point I don't know if he actually wants to go to Mars or if Elon just likes watching things blow up. In South Korea, a young couple accidentally vandalized a $400k painting by a local graffiti artist because they didn't know it was art. Officials are still searching... for anyone who can tell the difference. In France, President Macron is handling a surge of coronavirus cases by setting a nationwide curfew of 7pm. When Biden heard that he immediately called up Macron and said "How do you stay up that late?" Apparently the punishment for any French person staying out past curfew is being forced to wear deodorant for a whole month. In Australia, an Olympic athlete and his brother have been found guilty of a $152M cocaine plot. Interpol says it's the worst Australian plot since Crocodile Dundee II. Finally, a young child inadvertently sparked confusion recently by posting an unintelligible gibberish tweet from the official account of US Strategic Command, which is in charge of US nukes. And I believe we have a photo of this kid.

Great news, New Yorkers! Governor Andrew Cuomo has signed a law legalizing Marijuana. Now if Cuomo thinks this will get everyone to chill out and forget his corruption... he's probably right! Asked to comment on pot being legal, New York City said "This is great! I can finally sleep". In White House dog news, Joe's German Shepherd is up to no good again-- he pooped in the White House hallway. Asked for a statement, the dog said "I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone says the White House is where our country does its business." In Biden family news, Hunter has been dodging questions about a seized laptop, admitting that he did have one stolen, but he doesn't know if the one the FBI has is his. The FBI replied "Well let's narrow it down. This one's filled with porn and covered in cocaine." He said "OK yeah that's mine." In Vermont, a school district was so desperate for classroom space that students are now attending classes in a Macy's department store. Classes are going well and they've just added several electives, including Remedial Clothes Folding and A.P. Perfume Spraying. In ride-sharing news, Uber has been ordered to pay $1.1M to a blind woman after she was denied rides more than a dozen times. Asked if she's happy about the settlement, the woman said "Sure! I can now afford a ride home from downtown during surge pricing!" Finally, vaccine passports are the latest right-wing culture war obsession, and Florida has just banned them in the name of "freedom". Because the founding fathers had a dream, OK sheeple? And that dream was to let curable diseases fester amongst the uneducated.

As you may have heard, Major League Baseball has moved the All-Star game out of Georgia in retaliation for the new voter suppression law. "This is an absolute travesty!" said everyone on Twitter who literally can't name one current baseball player. In Kardashian news, authorities have arrested a man who went swimming naked in Kendall Jenner's pool. The nerve of this guy. He found the one way to wreck a story about Kendall Jenner and skinny dipping. Get this. According to industry experts, sales of Bentleys and Lamborghinis are booming because rich people are bored. (take out my keys) Don't I know it. I just leased a new Mazda! Hey rich folks, if you're really that bored, try donating your money to the #1 Satirical News channel on TikTok. That's worth 10 Ferraris combined. Here's something cool. Oscar Mayer has a new promotion where they're offering free shoelaces that smell like bacon. If you add shoestring fries, it's part of a complete breakfast. All this does is confirm my theory that the CEO of Oscar Meyer is... a Golden Retriever. Did you guys catch this? A "Game of Thrones'' musical is headed to Broadway. It's a big win for the producers because it will use a fraction of the usual costume budget for a Broadway show, due to the actors being naked 90% of the time. Finally, according to new research, men who get Covid-19 have a three times higher risk of erectile dysfunction. Oh I'm getting an update: scientists have created a vaccine for both, called Johnson and Bigger Johnson.

In Fox News news, Laura Ingraham has launched a threatening tirade at companies speaking out against voter suppression, saying "We're going to punish you". Apparently Marvel is already talking to Laura about being in the next Punisher movie. I think it's clear what must be done. We need to cancel Laura Ingraham for cancelling corporations that are cancelling Georgia for cancelling democracy. Quick QAnon update: Marjorie Taylor Greene posted a bizarre video of herself in the gym saying "This is my Covid protection. #MakeAmericaHealthyAgain. It's time to #FireFauci". Wow, that's a huge dumbbell. And those weights looked heavy too. I guess her muscles and her chances of getting Covid are both making huge gains. Here's something bizarre. Trump stooge Peter Navarro did a Fox News interview that, as you might guess, went completely off the rails. "Fauci is the father of the virus". And what is Peter Navarro the father of? Oh I know, he's that stepdad who you never want to be around without mom in the room. Did you guys catch this? Fox News has promoted Kayleigh McEnany from contributor to full-time host. And if I know one thing about Fox News, a shockingly fast promotion for an attractive blonde is always completely merit-based with no shady dealings behind closed doors. Get this. Donald Trump recently launched a new website 45office.com, where you can book him for events. It's especially exciting for his son Eric who finally has a way to invite Daddy to his birthday party. Here's something ridiculous. According to finance experts, the 2020 Trump campaign accounted for 3% of all fraud claims for recent credit card charges in the US. Apparently the other 97% were for Trump University. Finally, one of Trump's Secret Service ex-bodyguards says Trump still owes him $130 for a McDonald's run. When Michael Cohen heard that he said "Yeah, well Trump still owes me $130,000 for a McProstitutes run."

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably know that Congressman Matt Gaetz is embroiled in a scandal about an FBI investigation over a sugar-daddy relationship where he paid an underage woman for sex with Cash App and Apple Pay. Imagine being so pathetic, you're a famous congressman and you STILL have to pay to get laid. Oh, this just in: Gaetz says he plans to retire and be a Beatles cover singer. ("Well she was just 17! You know what I mean?")   Get this. Reports say Matt Gaetz participated in orgies while taking ecstasy, which is especially ironic after he ridiculed Hunter Biden's drug use. See, it's not his fault guys, he was born to be a sleaze-- it's in his MDMA. My sources say Marjorie Taylor Greene has been avoiding Gaetz for not inviting her to the orgies.    In case you still aren't tired of news about Matt Gaetz, more allegations say the Congressman showed nude pics of sex partners to fellow lawmakers on the house floor. After learning the nude pictures were of women, a disgusted Lindsey Graham said "Oh my heavens! He must resign".    Finally, Matt Gaetz is apparently so hated by his Republican colleagues that nobody is rushing to defend him, and many were excitedly waiting for this scandal to break. It's not a good look for the party. A spokesman for the GOP said "Republicans strongly condemn this lewd, lascivious behavior...unless of course he decides to run for president, in which case, you go, dawg!"