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Snogwarts graduates become Students of Briarwood, then compete for Sex Goddess.by jane700bond. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.Preface:While boarding school did a reasonable job of separating guys and gals, The Briarwood College of Incanting Arts could not stop us being normal horny teens and experimenting. They had separate single sex boarding houses, but this generally meant that, at night, gals would experiment with gals and guys would experiment with guys. Then they would experiment with the opposite sex in small forgotten rooms and outbuildings and in the woods and fields that surrounded the college.Ariella, a British gal aged 18, when this story starts, might appear to have more experience than would be otherwise expected. She is no virgin! This higher education academy further develops the craft of wizardry in areas of seduction and behavioral manipulation.The heroine is taught in the story, by the young teacher, Gabriella Peacock “The Sex Goddess awakens desires in others and lets them fulfill their own fantasies through her own vast appetite for sex. She does not enslave! She gives and takes pleasure and fun.”This adaptation is based on the script posted by Jane700bond.Part 1.The Briarwood College of Incanting Arts was the premier post-secondary college of wizardry in the world and it was seven years after Ariella Divine and her other 11-year-old contemporaries had first arrived at the enormous Snogwarts castle in the far north of Scotland. Now 18, they had started their first year and are to take their Advanced Level Wizarding exams. Being 18 gave them some privileges the younger students back at Snogwarts don't have. For example, she only had to share a room with one other dorm mate instead of five; and  like herself, all college students had their own set of bathrooms and showers. She had looked forward to coming back to Scotland after the long summer holiday and catching up with old friends and lovers. There were twelve pupils in the top year in Slither-in House that had survived the earlier years and advanced to The Briarwood College of Incanting Arts, six each of guys and galsAriella was universally acknowledged to have grown up to be beautiful. She was slim with black hair, stunning turquoise blue eyes and pale skin inherited from her Irish grandmother. As so often happens, she had grown during the long summer holidays. At 5 foot 7, she now stood a good bit taller, was rather more curvaceous and her breasts had filled out nicely.This latter bit of growing made her very happy as she had been rather flat chested until then, not really even an A cup and she hadn't worn bras. However, during this summer she was sure she could tell that her breasts had grown more each night of the holiday and she would experiment with them in front of the mirror before breakfast. Finally, in late August she achieved an ambition, to be able to play with her nipples with her own tongue. Soon, she thought, she would be able to suck her own teats!She deliberately dressed in a short-cut tee-shirt that was straining at the front as she wanted to show off her new weapons of sexual mass destruction. She appreciated the admiring glances from the people she passed in the street and in one or two cases, where she fancied the looker, returned the glance with a mischievous smile before she moved on. She had also noticed, the more her tits filled out, the more randy she was becoming!One adventurous day, late in the holiday, she had decided to go and look for some new bras that would fit her fast maturing body. This was to be her first proper bra fitting and Ariella was a little nervous about what was involved. Walking into the lingerie shop she noticed a rather stern woman behind the till and a much younger assistant with a nice face who Ariella thought was rather lovely. Choosing to ignore the matron and talk to the gal instead, together they discussed potential styles and colours and then, finding the gal ever more attractive, Ariella shyly asked if she could have a proper fitting. Ariella was so glad it was the young woman and not the foreboding manager who was to help her in such a personal manner. Cheerily the gal called out to the manager what she had been asked to do and led Ariella to the back of the shop.They squeezed themselves together into a small fitting room and both gals seemed to appreciate the closeness that this entailed. Currently Ariella was braless and she was aware that her now rather prominent and hard nipples protruded through the cotton of her top. Rather nervously Ariella stripped off her tee-shirt to reveal her newly blossomed breasts and the gal stood for a moment apparently admiring them, but maybe “just sizing her up professionally”, Ariella thought.The young gal's tongue was peeking through her lips as she concentrated. The sight of it began to make Ariella feel a little horny, but she had a first got a real buzz of excitement when the clerk passed the tape measure around her back and then under her breasts, gently lifting them slightly with warm hands to get the tape underneath and to measure her chest properly. It was the first time anyone else had touched these new larger and rounder mounds and she was surprised at how sensitive they were.Then the clerk had really made her gasp as she lifted her breasts again and then moved the tape up and tightened it over Ariella's nipples, the shop clerk's face showed a knowing impish grin. They were alone together in the small fitting room close enough to hug and Ariella was certain the gal would love to play a much more dangerous game in the curtained square if she had dared. The clerk's tongue was sticking out through her lips again as, with great absorption, she put her nose an inch from Ariella's chest and then read out the measurement with a surprising huskiness in her voice: “34-inch C-cup, I think. Shall I go and get some for you to try on?”The gal rather slowly pulled the tape from Ariella's chest, brushing as if accidentally the aureoles and hardened nipples - there was so little room, and it was such an intimate role she played, it could have been and accident - not! Ariella felt a heat between her legs as the clerk swished through the curtain and disappeared leaving her standing alone, half naked. She wondered about how horny she had become over the last couple of months as new hormones cruised her body. She seemed to think about sex more and more every day, her mind imagining a whole Karma Sutra of different possibilities with both guys and gals.Humping her large teddy bear had been the first surprise, the coldness of its glass nose on her clit and the bears soft fur between her legs made her appreciate the old stuffed toy in a very different way than when she had been a child. Then there was the head of the power-shower - wow what did that do when she sprayed between her legs and soaped herself? Then she had experimented in the kitchen when her parents were out. Olive oil was good, but coconut oil was better, especially when used to lubricate the banana with which she tested the tightness of her love canal by slowly parting her cunt lips with the black tip and gently pushing it in. The thing really to avoid, she discovered to her cost, was chilli oil. She had had to sit crying in a cold bath for half an hour after trying that on her clit and was not going to forget the heat of that exceedingly hot burning and painful orgasm.Even though it was a warm late August day, Ariella felt goose-pimples rising on her bare skin, especially around her exposed nipples and she shivered. The gal was about Ariella's age, a little shorter, with her blonde hair tied tidily up in a ponytail. She had golden-brown eyes which seemed to look through Ariella and know her deepest desires.Ariella could tell the clerk was experienced in dealing with bras as her chest was front heavy and needed good support. It would have had a challenge getting that pair of whoppers through adolescence without a substantial investment in fitting sessions. She must have had a lot of fans at school! Now, in a low-cut white top the deep tight valley of her cleavage exuded sex-appeal and invited an investigation into the warm hidden depths of its crevasse. Ariella wondered at her size, “34D or, more probably, Double D?” she thought, but did not know the answer.The young woman's lips were full like Ariella's and she was wearing a fashionable scarlet lip-gloss. As she had turned to leave Ariella, could not help but clock her beautiful pert backside in tight-fitting leggings. Nice, she thought, and imagined for a moment cupping that ass, whilst grinding herself into the gal as they kissed deeply, fiery hot nipples rubbing together. The heat and moisture between Ariella's legs became more noticeable and she felt the blood rise to her cheeks.After a few minutes, the clerk came back with a pile of boxes. “Shall I help you try them on?” She asked innocently.Ariella nodded, being her first time at a bra fitting, she barely dared to think what helping might involve; just having the gal measuring her had been arousing enough!The first bra was rear fastening and she put her hands out in front of her, hovering inches above the tempting cleavage, as the clerk threaded the straps up over her arms and then carefully and gently lifted Ariella's breasts into the cups to make them comfortable. Ariella shuddered with a little gasp of pleasure as the hands slowly moulded her flesh into the right position. The gal then leaned forward putting her head over Ariella's shoulder so she could see to fasten the bra at the back. The movement forward pushed the gal's own breasts into Ariella's hands. As Ariella hastily moved her arms to the side, the gal lent further forward and her own young covered bosom created a firm contact with Ariella's increasingly hard and aroused exposed peaks. The clerk expertly did up the bra and held the embrace for a few moments longer than necessary before moving her chin slowly back over Ariella's shoulder. Very deliberately, she kept her chin in firm contact with Ariella's skin as she moved her head down over Ariella's chest. Finally, the gal stopped with her nose rested on the link between the two cups of Ariella's cleavage. Ariella stood there quietly, so close to the clerk that she could smell the sweetness of the gal's breath. In a sudden a state of anticipation and rising desire, Ariella's heart began to race.“I better test the tightness.” The clerk said with a gulp, moving back slightly and leaving a gap of air between their heaving bosoms. With an air of expert concentration, she inserted a finger of each hand under the left and right straps and tested the tension. Then she moved her fingers around to the front inside the bra's material. She stopped, rather unprofessionally, with a finger on each nipple, then slowly inserting her thumbs up inside the cups, she pinched the teats gently making Ariella even more aroused. “A bit tight.” She said loudly, as if to an audience beyond the curtain. “Shall we try the next cup size up?” Reluctantly, Ariella thought, the clerk removed one of her hands and put her finger to her lips whilst miming a warning at the curtain with her eyes.There was a rustle outside and an authoritative female voice asked “How are things going Emelia?”“OK Miss Havisham,” the newly named Emelia replied “we'll find the right fitting in a minute or two.”“Fine”, came the response “I'll be by the till if you need me.” Again a rustle and footsteps moved away.“I'm sorry,” whispered Emelia to Ariella, “but I'm going to have to behave!” As if to contradict herself, she hovered her mouth directly over Ariella's breasts as she seductively reached around and neatly undid the bra. As the breasts came free her sweet lips were apart and a drop of saliva escaped and slowly dropped onto Ariella's newly unconstrained left breast. The clerk stared at the glistening drop for a moment and then quickly darted forward and took Ariella's nipple in her mouth, at the same time she passionately began to play with the other nipple with her hand, rubbing the teat between her fingers. Ariella gasped and grasped Emelia 's ass, cheeks and ground her hot crotch into the hottie, hoping their now engorged clits would connect somehow through their thin summer clothes. Half-naked, Ariella had never felt so hot.After a little while and some heavy breathing, aloud Emelia said, as normally as she could, “Have you tried a front-fastening bra?” With which she pulled her own top downward and unfastened her own bra as if demonstrating how it worked. Ariella gazed with amazement at the grapefruit sized tits and dived forward to take one of Emelia 's amazing large brown nipples in her own mouth. In sudden desperation for sexual satisfaction, she thrust her hand down the front of Emelia 's leggings and with urgency found her way through the flimsy panties to Emelia 's hot, hot cunt lips and started massaging her sex.Another rustle outside and Ariella smiled mischievously at Emelia as she said loudly “I think front-fastening is much more convenient, but can I try the next size up?”“Yes of course, Miss.” Said Emelia and with Ariella's hand still rubbing hard inside her panties and desperately trying not to gasp or moan, she started rummaging loudly through the boxes. “Here we are! Try this one. This one is a Tee-Shirt bra, just great for what you're wearing.”With the looming presence outside, Emelia shrugged and grinning naughtily, carefully removed Ariella's hand from her damp cunt and putting it to her mouth, and briefly licked her own sex juices from the other gal's fingers. After one last desperate deep honey-flavoured kiss, Emelia straightened her clothes, handing Ariella the new bra and showed her how it fastened by demonstrating with her own. “That's perfect,” called Ariella, in a business-like voice, “I'll keep this one on and take those please.”Checking in the mirror she looked decent, Emelia turned to go through the curtain. Ariella, had a last feel of her new friend's backside, slipping her hand between her legs and feeling the dampness there for a few moments. Using her thumb, she found Emelia's hot cunt lips through the material, making Emelia gasp before she moved off through the curtain. A moment later a woman thrust her head through and asked if everything was satisfactory.“Excuse me,” said Ariella haughtily “but I'm dressing, do you mind!” The head withdrew with embarrassed rapidity and for a moment Ariella sat down with a sigh, her hand undoing the button and then going down into her shorts to find her firm, stiff clit crying out for satisfaction. After a moment or two she stood and started to pull on her tee-shirt, but her hand went down into the tight darkness again for a few more moments of pleasure. She was still playing with herself and had her back to the curtain when Emelia came in. The buxom woman stood pressing herself hard against Ariella's back and licked her ear as she breathed deeply. Ariella could only just cope with the hot breath and tickling tongue, but when Emilia's hand thrust down the front of her shorts to join her own, she nearly came. Emelia said aloud “Your bras miss.”She kissed Ariella on the back of the neck and passed over a piece of paper with her number on it. “Fancy a drink tonight?” She asked quietly and then slipped away. Ariella adjusted herself, then incredibly aware of the dampness between her legs and the smell of sex on her hand, she marched out past the manager into the sunlight.That night had been a great way to end the holiday. Emelia may have been a muggle, but she was a very sexy muggle and great fun to be with. After a short drink it was obvious that they couldn't wait to get back to exploring each other's bare barely adult bodies, so with sex hormones going wild in their 18-year-old brains they almost ran from the pub to Emelia's small flat and were soon tearing each other's clothes off to try and cool their heated naked skin.It was wonderful for Ariella to bury her head in Emelia's large beautiful breasts and suckle her until Emelia groaned with longing. They were the biggest pair Ariella had ever played with and she loved the soft bouncing flesh and dark firm nipples. Ariella thought it so good to have her cunt licked and her clit teased by a gal who seemed to have much more experience than her school friend paramours. Ariella loved Emelia sitting on her face whist she probed the gal's deep dark love tunnel with her tongue and gently nipping with her teeth.Sitting there, with Ariella's tongue licking deep inside her, Emelia then brought her clit to orgasm and let Ariella drink an eruption of honey juices when she came. Ariella had no idea that a gal could cum like that, but lapped up the nectar as Emelia bucked and shuddered in climax.Ariella's face was now soaking wet with Emelia's cum juices and this made her own need to cum even more urgent. Emelia's hot lubricated cunt slid easily over Ariella's breasts and stomach, leaving a snail-trail of sex juices and then Emelia turned around to kneel between Ariella's now spread-eagled legs. Emelia sucked Ariella's nipples while she fucked her with two fingers, ever enlarging her hot pink wet hole. Then finding the magic g-spot, and at the same time using her thumb on Ariella's clit, Emelia was able to bring Ariella to a simultaneous climax. Ariella screamed in pleasure as the orgasms made her entire body shudder and tingle; it was the best sex she had ever had … to date.The two gals spent the night together sometimes snoozing until one or the other, with exploring fingers, would arouse the other and they would start their love-making again discovering new delights. Finally, the dawn found them wrapped naked around each other in exhausted sleep.Now Ariella was at The Briarwood College of Incanting Arts, and a year of intrigue, magic and adventure was ahead of her and in Briarwood there was more chance of interesting sex than in any of the others. After her adventure with Emelia, Ariella thought if might be fun trying to win the role of Briarwood Sex Goddess and bring the poor reputation of Slither-in alumnae to new depths of depravity. Whilst an honour not recognised by the college officially, Sex Goddess was a title given to one of the babes of Briarwood each year and, in celebration of her newly awakened sex drive, Ariella thought of the excitement to be had on the way to be crowned.Slither-in was the naughty house at Snogwarts, where the virtuous and the boring where not welcome. Slither-in students were specially chosen by the Sorting Hat that magically recognised that they would grow up to be as randy as hell; the guys were filled with testosterone and the gals, nymphomaniacs. What could possibly go wrong in a boarding school house where the final year students where all full of new found magical powers and ready to experiment?Ariella had left the express train late in the afternoon and entered the Briarwood womens' dorm, an ancient edifice of towers and dungeons. She went immediately to the house notice board. Firstly, there was a notice about uniforms.·         “Because of the current warm weather, and to maintain a healthy well-ventilated body, kilts and cotton shirts or blouses are the order of the day until the weather cools. In true Scots fashion kilts will be worn commando style by students. By order: Snake, the new Dean of Students”.Because the college was also in the north of Scotland, both sexes had a kilt as part of their uniform. The guys wore a more heavily pleated style, whilst the gals were lighter and shorter. The order to wear kilts was quite usual in warm weather, but the order for commando style was normally just for the guys. Ariella was intrigued and thought the coolness it provided would be a welcome change from wearing knickers all the time. But uniforms weren't needed until the next day when lessons started.Ariella then looked to see who was sharing rooms with whom and was surprised to discover the name of her roommate was unknown to her. It was unusual for a new pupil to join in the final year. She went to the Dean of Students to ask who Lucille l'Astique was and where had she come from.Dr. Snake, who just joined the college faculty this fall semester, had come from the Slither-in House at Snogwarts. He already knew several of the college students from their younger days. He was also Master of Defense Against The Dark Arts (or DADA for short) and, as suited the position, was a tall dark saturnine figure, about thirty-five years old. He often frightened the pupils of the other houses with his dark humour and ferocious tongue, but he has a soft spot for his own students and after seven years Ariella was on good terms with him. She knocked and went into his office where Snake lounged in his office chair, feet up on the large red leather desk. He looked up as she came in and stared at Ariella with surprise, seeming to slowly take in how she had flowered over the summer, his eyes roving deliberately from her shapely legs, her firm bare midriff and then he her clocked her expanded bosom, straining in its tight short tee-shirt. After lingering thoughtfully for a moment his eyes finally came to rest on the stunning beauty of her face.Then slowly lifting himself languorously from his chair he approached with a wide smile. “Why Ariella,” he said, “you have grown both taller and considerably more beautiful over the holiday.” His six-foot three height always made her feel like the little girl she had been when she had first met him. Now he looked down on her with satisfaction as he took in her new shape, examining the newly formed breasts that pressed against the tight cotton of her top. The look he gave may have been entirely appropriate for the supposedly evil DADA Snake, Dean of Students, but was probably inappropriate for your average teacher.His hands motioned in front of her and for a moment Ariella, heart thudding a little faster, thought he was going to grab her breasts and try them for size. But instead, as if by magic a badge saying “Prefect” appeared in one hand and with extreme delicacy, he pinned it over her heart, being careful not to let the sharp pin prick her skin. Ariella grinned with excitement at the honour - Prefect! She was so overwhelmed it did not occur to her that Dr. Snake was extraordinarily close. His hands continued to hover near her top as if he was wondering if he could dare lift it up and expose the secret delights it hid.He smiled again, “Umm,” he muttered “your lips have filled out beautifully as well. Gosh, it is nice to have such a sexy and beautiful damsel in my care. I like to make the beautiful ones my Prefects so I can get to know them better. Maybe in your case the badge should say “Perfect” instead of “Prefect” you look so good. Damsels are much more attractive to have around … and more tempting … than those horrible randy guys, I always think. I never make them prefects. You must come and have tea with me one day“ He finished abruptly.Snake had never spoken to Ariella like this before and she felt flushed and a little delighted to have caught the attention of the older wizard. "Sexy and beautiful!” she thought, “I like that description.”“Who is this Lucille l'Astique I am to share with?” she asked looking into his dark smiling eyes.“Ah, Lucille!” he said. “She is a French dame, daughter of the infamous wizard the Marquis l'Astique le Grand. She has had to escape to Britain as her father was recently arrested for using black magic! I hope you will welcome her and make friends… I know you like to be friendly with gals.” He winked and Ariella wondered quite what he knew exactly about her being friendly with gals.“She is probably feeling lonely and scared.” He continued, “So I thought of lovely you as the perfect companion. Please show her the ropes and mentor her through the complexities of Snogwart's life.”Ariella smiled and agreed to go and find the new gal and introduce her to the dormatory and the college. As she turned, Snake's hand patted her bottom and Ariella, instinctively, brushed the hand away with her own which then came in hard contact with a very hard snake in Snake's trousers. The doctor gasped and Ariella went brightly on her way thinking “Sex-goddess, I won't even have to try!”Up the spiral staircase to the women's study-bedrooms went Ariella, wondering what Lucille would be like. Her own French was reasonable, but she hoped the dame spoke English. Her bedroom was at the top of a tower with two staircases, which was split down the middle to divide the gals' and the guys' wings. As she walked in, she saw an elfish-looking figure wearing a light muslin shift leaning out of the window taking in the scenery. The sun shining on the dame made the shift almost see-through and Ariella stood transfixed for the moment looking at the golden figure, her youthful curves mere shadows under the material. Lucille straightened up and turned, the sun now illuminating the dame's strawberry-blonde hair in a halo of brightness. She turned and smiled at Ariella and Ariella's heart nearly stopped at the beauty of the dame before her. Ideas of herself as Sex Goddess disappeared as surely this was a real goddess revealed to her is all her power. “My goodness,” she whispered “you are beautiful!” and more loudly “Vous êtes très belle mademoiselle.”“Et tu!” said the stranger in a soft sexy voice.The young ladies were both beautiful. Ariella, long black braided hair with pale white skin from her Celtic ancestors, Lucille strawberry-blonde hair like rose-gold in an elf-bob, with honey-gold skin, toned by a more southern sun. Ariella, eyes turquoise blue like a Caribbean Sea and Lucille's green like emeralds. Both their bodies were at the point of maturity where the gawkiness of childhood is replaced by the perfect blossoming of young womanhood. Both with perfect breasts and hips and long and shapely legs. Ariella a fine round face with and sexy cupid-bow lips and Lucille with the high-cheek bones of an aristocrat and wide lip formed into a superior smile. It was as if Lucille was a goddess of the sun and Ariella goddess of the moon.They stood and stared at each other for a long moment then realising her tongue was licking her lips and a blush was extending up her neck, Ariella first broke contact. She said with a voice she later thought must have sounded like the excited gabbling of a 1950's gym mistress “Gosh Hello, I'm Ariella Divine, you must be Lucille l'Astique, fantastic to meet you, gosh! We're to share this room, so jolly - I'm so very happy to meet you! Welcome to Student Dorm House.” I came from Slither-in House, at Snogwarts. She stopped realising she was babbling nonsense.“Slither-in? Slither … in?” repeated Lucille slowly with a hint of a grin, the words rolling around her mouth, “Is that what a guy's cock does when he fucks you? Merde, it sounds like it!”Ariella was shocked, which was actually something she could hardly believe, given her life to date. Shocked not so much by the vulgarity that had just come out the mouth of this golden goddess, but by the sudden thought of a guy's cock slithering between her legs. Looking at the expression on Ariella's face Lucille smiled broadly and broke into a beautiful tinkle of laughter. She walked forward, put her arms on Ariella's shoulders and kissed her on each cheek in the continental style. “I am sorry,” she said, “but I had not realised; you are an innocent. So cute!”“Innocent?” gasped Ariella in indignation, “Me? Cute? I tell you mademoiselle; I'm going to be voted the Sex Goddess of Briarwood this year. You just took me by surprise - I had just never thought of the word Slither-in that way before. Quite an exciting concept really.”The blonde dame stepped forward and looked deep into Ariella's sea blue eyes “Is Sex Goddess a position in this place? Like Head dame? Wow! I thought you British didn't like sex.”Ariella, stared back and said a little quietly “Yes, we enjoy sex and Sex Goddess is a title you can win in. The idea is to make all the other pupils want to slave, to meet your every wish!”Lucille stepped closer still so that the two goddesses now touched each other, nipple to nipple. “Let's have a competition.” she said, huskily, the words spoken so close to Ariella's lips she could feel the breath of them. Ariella brushed her lips against those of the other dame, then she nervously pushed out her tongue and slowly parted Lucille's lips. Lucille responded and soon the gals were kissing passionately. Without letting go, Ariella led Lucille to one of the beds and there they lay together limbs tangled and breathing harder and harder as their bodies were turned on by the exploring hands of the other.To be continued..by jane700b

09-02-25 - Brady's Back Following His Kidney Surgery Looking Better And Toledo's Back After His Mom's Passing - John's Tire Issue And His Sighting Of Coyotes Humping In His Yard Had Him Wondering About SignsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

09-02-25 - Brady's Back Following His Kidney Surgery Looking Better And Toledo's Back After His Mom's Passing - John's Tire Issue And His Sighting Of Coyotes Humping In His Yard Had Him Wondering About SignsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Heinz is again putting out more stupid variations how to enjoy ketchup...this time as a smoothie! There's a labubu doll craze that is drawing theives who try to sell them on the black market. You find a lot of unique items at Trader Joe's but you may not be prepared to see a man humping a fridge.In this Midweek BONUS Episode...London Teen on Family Vacation Boards Wrong Flight, Ends Up in MilanMan Goes to Homegoods and Gets Scratched by a BatGrown Woman Gets Stuck Inside of Chuck E. Cheese Game Before Getting Rescued by FirefightersHospital Parking Garage Mistakenly Charged a Woman Nearly $8,000 for a 45-Minute VisitA 32-y/o California Man Was Caught Stealing...ProbioticsHeinz Debuted a Ketchup SmoothieA Woman Was Rescued After Dancing on a Roof and Falling Into the ChimneyA Woman Set a Guy's House on Fire...Because He "Owed Her $7"$7K Worth of Labubu Dolls Stolen From Los Angeles StoreA Guy at a Strip Club Tried to Attack a Janitor, But the Janitor Beat Him UpGreat Genes? What's a "Small" Way You Won the Genetic Lottery?Man Arrested After Humping Fridge and Threatening People With A Knife At Trader Joe'sWhat Year Is It? America OnLine Dial-Up Internet Is Shutting Down(Priorities)...FL Woman Left Child and 7 Dogs Home Alone During Weeks-Long Vacation In Las VegasDiaper-Wearing Man Allegedly Approached Young Girls, Said 'Goo Goo Gaa Gaa' and Asked for a Diaper ChangeMan Steals $21M of Lunar Rocks from NASA to Use During Sex After Promising His Girlfriend the MoonPossible Drive-by Shooter Caught When Cops Find Him Pleasuring Himself in CarArkansas Doctor Parading Naked Through Office on Video, Performing Sex Act at Work, Loses Medical LicenseSomeone Keeps Stealing This Guy's Plane & Taking It For JoyridesWoman Gets Engaged to AI Fiancé After 5 MonthsGet the low-down on all the stupidity in the latest current events from the Insane Week In Review and meet the 7 new winners of stupendous stupidity in the weekly Genius Awards.Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/insane-erik-lane-s-stupid-world--6486112/support.Real-time updates and story links are found on the TELEGRAM Channel at: https://t.me/InsaneErikLane  (Theme song courtesy of Randy Stonehill, ”It's A Great Big Stupid World”. Copyright ©1992 Stonehillian Music/Word Music/Twitchin' Vibes Music/ASCAP) Order your copy on the Wonderama CD from Amazon!

It's your Ill-Advised News, the stupid criminals of the day. Support the show and follow us here Twitter, Insta, Apple, Amazon, Spotify and the Edge! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Thursday brings us some unusual Ill-Advised News with tales of fridge humping at the Trader Joes, and a woman who REALLY wanted in that chimney. We ask “will Cass drink it?” with the new Heinz Ketchup smoothie, hear how a fart interrupted a somber moment, and play the mariachi covers game. We learn how sexy reading truly is, and Cass concocts a scheme to get Anthony some lovin’. We remember the crazy vet bills from pets as we go through the annual Hambone Awards nominees, and go for a 2nd Ill with free wang ultrasounds and a fire set over a $7 debt. Support the show and follow us here Twitter, Insta, Apple, Amazon, Spotify and the Edge! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Stupid News 7-30-2025 8am …How about that New Beach Resort in North Korea? …Humping Down the Highway …Fight over Blowup Doll leads to 3 and a half hour Police Standoff

On this episode of Inside OnlyFans, Kayla & CJ sit down with OnlyFans creators Sofia Silk, Jaed, & Fantom Tattoo. The girls talk about pay pigs, pussy lollipops, humping rotisserie chickens, and more! Full video episodes available: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠OnlyFans ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ FOLLOW US! Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@insideonlyfans⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@cjsparxx⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@kaylalaurenoffical⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @sofiasilkofficial @fantomtattoo @jaed.official Twitter: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@insidefans⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Inside OnlyFans⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Tiktok:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@insideofpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Inside OnlyFans Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stupid News 7-2-2025 8am …They cannot beat the guy to death enough ...For a 24-year-old he was a hell of a High School Soccer Player ...Humping the Mummy

Send us a textIs it sex if you're just soaking? What about butt stuff? Or dry humping in your underwear?In this quick follow-up to our viral episode on virginity, I sit down with Dr. Sue Milstein to unpack the wild “workarounds” people use to technically stay virgins… even when they're doing everything but.We touch on:Soaking Anal sex in purity cultureand how kids are getting crabs in their armpitsThis isn't just about religious shame. It's about the myths we carry into adulthood — and what happens when we realize the rules were made up all along.✨ Got a spicy “Is it sex if…?” question of your own? Drop it in the comments or send it anonymously. We just might answer it in a future episode.You can find my spicy site here. https://talksexwithannette.com/talk-sex-with-me/My spicy OF handle is @talksexwithannetteMy free spicy handle is @annettetalkssexSubscribe to my e-newsletter: https://she-explores-life.ck.page/e9760c390cAsk a question, Leave a Comment: https://www.speakpipe.com/LockerRoomTalkPodcastMy substack: https://talksexwithannette.substack.com/Use code EXPLORES15 for 15% off all Womanizer Products at Womanizer.com. Get your intimacy questions answered, enjoy erotic audio readings and more.https://talksexwithannette.com/talk-sex-with-me/Support the show Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@annettebenedetti Connect with usWe are on all the socials: TikTok: @ LockerRoomTalkPodcast LRT's Insta: @Lockerroomtalkandshots Annette's Insta: @BeingBenedetti SEL Inst: @SheExplores_Life LRT's FB: @LockerRoomTalkandShots SEL FB: @ SheExploresLife Annette's YouTube: Annette Benedetti Check Out More Sexy Content:She Explores Life Website: sheexploreslife.comCheers!

Listen to the No Chingues crew talk about all of the day's chingaderas: ·     JUST THE TIP: Bezos Dick Rocket Goes to Space·     Just Call Us Feminist Astronaut Icons Changing the World: Gayle King, Katy Perry, and Lauren Sanchez·     Are Erika Sanchez and Lauren Sanchez Cousins?·     Yachty Inspirations: You Too Can Yacht·     Bezos: Champagne Party Pooper·     Erika Sends Strays At the Swifties?·     “Have You Ever Been Rich?”·     Kanye's Fame Addiction: Swastikas, Klan Outfits, and Abuse Announcements·     What Do You Do With Shitty Artists We Used to Like? Michael Jackson, Kanye, and Bill Cosby·     Just Dabbling in Monstrosities?·     JD Vance's Haircut·     A Pope, A Couch, and A Vice President Walk Into A Pair…·     Erika and Martin Lose Many Prongs·     Mexicans: Bolillo Bread Cures Fear·     Salchicha V Weenie-huh·     Struggle Meal Olympics: Weenie Flauta V Weenie Con Huevo·     Rapper Juvenile is From Durango-Huh·     “Encased Meats Are Native”·     “Her Salchichas Were All Out”·     We Don't Study Abroad…·     Just Some Funny Euthanasia Banter·     ICE and The Growing War on Brown Immigrants·     Kilmer Abrego Garcia·     Due Process? What's That?·     Standing On Balls·     Lazy, Fake Accusations of Anti-Semitism Used to Shield and Protect Apartheid·     Whiteness: Dehumanizing Latinos AND Folding Them Into Whiteness?·     “Prong Pruh-Prong Prong-Prong”·     Spanish in English·     “I Knew a Girl With Mono”·     The Pod Explores Masculinity·     Roddy's Just Out Here Cooking·     Flying Ding-a-lings·     Challenging Toxic Men To Fisticuffs·     Salchicha and Totoloynga·     We Found a Book Ban We Can Get BehindWe have no idea what we're doing... but we're keeping it moving with the unearned confidence of a mediocre White man!¯_(ツ)_/¯Listen, subscribe, share, and leave a five-star review! (or go to hell).Follow The No Chingues Crew on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Threads⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, BlueSky, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠,  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠. Martin Malecho – BlueSky TikTok, Threads

Navigate the complexities of modern relationships and sex with the help of one of the world's most trusted voices in sexuality. In this episode of Shameless Sex, we sit down with Dan Savage, the best-selling author and the brilliant mastermind behind the Savage Love column and the Savage Love podcast. Get ready for an eye opening discussion that will leave you questioning, laughing, and HUMPing! In this episode, you'll discover: The wild ride of podcasting since 2005: What it was like to be an original podcaster and how the medium has evolved.  Writing about sex since the 90's: How Dan's shaped sex past, present, and future.  An inside look at HUMP! Fest: The inspiration behind it, Dan's HUMP! journey, and why you need to experience it for yourself (and possibly become a HUMP creator yourself). Dan's Dictionary: What is GGG, Tolyamory, and other fascinating words and phrases all coined by Dan. New sexual terms and trends: What's bubbling up in the world of sex, and how Dan brilliantly interprets them. Insight into sex and politics: What keeps Dan up at night and why it matters to you. Join us as we dive deep into these topics with Dan Savage, an influential media pundit, activist, and co-founder of the It Gets Better Project. He brings his signature wit and wisdom to help you navigate your own sexual journey.  Benefits of tuning in: Gain fresh perspectives on sex and relationship dynamics from the OG of sexuality podcasts.  Learn practical advice you can apply to your own life. Why not get smarter and more shameless? Be entertained and ready to laugh while learning about Dan's feelings on role play, porn, and writing a syndicated sex column since the 1990s Curious about what's next for Dan? Stick around until the end for an exclusive teaser about his upcoming projects that you won't want to miss! Teaser: Get ready to indulge in a shamelessly fun conversation that will inspire you to embrace your desires and redefine your relationships with the podcasting legend who started it all!  Get more Dan Savage and check out HUMP! Fest in a city near you. Subscribe to Dan's premium MAGNUM content to go big with Dan.  Join us for our next Shameless Sex retreat in Indio, CA May 8th-11th, 2025! https://tinyurl.com/2pfuyvef Austin! Dallas! Santa Cruz! Come to one of our next live shows for our Who's Your Daddy Tour: https://www.shamelesssex.com/whos-your-daddy-tour Get premium access to our behind the scenes episodes here: https://shamelesssex.supportingcast.fm Do you love us? Do you REALLY love us? Then order our book now! Go to shamelesssex.com to snag your copy Support Shameless Sex by sending us gifts via our Amazon Wish List Other links: Get $10 off an amazing course about how to talk to kids and teens about sex with code EMPOWER at https://www.empoweredcaretakers.com Get 20% off single orders and 30% off subscriptions on our favorite men's performance booster with code SHAMELESS http://tryjoymode.com Get an additional 15% off of MasterClass at http://masterclass.com/shameless Get 10% off + free shipping with code SHAMELESS on Uberlube AKA our favorite lubricant at http://uberlube.com Get 10% off while learning the art of pleasure at  http://OMGyes.com/shameless Get 15% off all of your sex toys with code SHAMELESSSEX at http://purepleasureshop.com

This week on LadyGang, the ladies are joined by none other than Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC for the ultimate boy band nostalgia trip! He spills behind-the-scenes secrets from the group's biggest moments, talks about the possibility of an NSYNC reunion, and reveals what life has been like post-boy band fame. Plus, Chris talks about his special appearance at LadyWorld, giving fans the boy band moment of their dreams! He also discusses the viral NSYNC reunion at a recent Justin Timberlake show. We have deals for you!! Good Wipes: Get your first pack of Good Wipes FOR FREE! Buy any package, text your receipt, and get reimbursed! More info at goodwipes.com/ladygang Beam: Need help sleeping? Try Beam's best-selling Dream Powder for up to 40% off at ShopBeam.com/ladygang and use code LADYGAN G Nutrafol: Got thinning hair? Get $10 off your first month's subscription and free shipping at Nutrafol.com and use code LGPOD Apostrophe: Got acne problems? Get your first visit for ONLY $5 at Apostrophe.com/lady and use code "LADY" Cover Girl: Superboost your lashes with NEW Lash Blast Supercloud Mascara! Only from Easy, Breezy, Beautiful COVERGIRL. Macys: Going on vacation? Shop in-store or at Macys.com for your warm OR cold weather needs!

#270rd for 30nd January, 2025 or 3311! (33-Oh-Leven, not Oh-Eleven, OH-Leven) http://loosescrewsed.com Join us on discord! And check out the merch store! PROMO CODES https://discord.gg/3Vfap47Rea Support us on Patreon:  https://www.patreon.com/LooseScrewsED PowerPlay Update:  The battle for Bumbur - A Post Mortem PP Standings (if any movement) Galactic Conflicts Next time say: You can find out more in our PowerPlay Hub on  the Loose Screws Discord with order often posted early on in the cycle and look out for Baromir's Broadcast that is published on the weekend! Squad Update:  TT 58343 is now back in our hands.  Maikoro and NLTT 1139 are next Overheating remains a problem and we're in perpetual expansion call it the new normal. Operation New Horizons - Our expansion - Semakhmets is over 75% - Theoretically it may be randomly selected to expand one of these go arounds, but we just need to push it to the top. Colonization will begin before BGS Expansion issues are sorted out.  Miola needs a boost All details in the #standing-orders and/or the #loose-screws-factions channels of the Discord. Galnet Update: https://community.elitedangerous.com/ Titan Wreckage In Sol Draws Keen Interest Brewer Corporation to Fund Survey Initiative Dev News:  FU on 2/25/25 Colonization update coming 2/26/25 under the name ‘Trailblazers.' Discussion: Battle of Bumbur Exploration Tips From Grover Kiwi Exploration builds Tools EDMC: https://github.com/EDCD/EDMarketConnector/wiki Its purpose is to facilitate supplying certain game data to, and in some cases retrieving it from, a number of websites and other tools. EDMC-Canonn: https://github.com/canonn-science/EDMC-Canonn/wiki The EDMC-Canonn plugin will help you keep up to date with Canonn News, direct you to things of interest in the game and will capture data that will enable us to catalogue the mysteries of the Galaxy. EDDiscovery: https://github.com/EDDiscovery/EDDiscovery/wiki#eddiscovery---what-is-it In short it's a 3rd party tool that can track your Elite Dangerous travels, combat, trading, rank etc. Spanish: https://spansh.co.uk/plotter Tool to help navigate the galaxy Elite Observatory: Link? Not Sure https://github.com/Xjph/ObservatoryCore?tab=readme-ov-file#readme Tool for reading/monitoring Elite Dangerous journals for interesting objects. Successor to the original Elite Observatory. EDCopilot: https://www.razzafrag.com/  EDCoPilot is the ship panel you have been missing in -game. Community Corner: DISTANT SCREWS 3! Coming February 2nd! confirmed! 2PM MST (-7 UTC) taking off from Ross 310 Planet 5D, if anyone asks it was always February 2nd.

We're humping our boss today and we say goodbye to some balls! Plus, we make our draft choices for the myTalk Awards -- what are our picks for the best and worse in 2024? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We're humping our boss today and we say goodbye to some balls! Plus, we make our draft choices for the myTalk Awards -- what are our picks for the best and worse in 2024? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Looking for a unique charging cable that doesn't just work but entertains? Peter Von Panda brings you the playful “humping dog” iPhone charger—a cable that confirms your device is charging with a hilarious animated twist. Perfect for iPhone users tired of boring cables, this quirky gadget shows it's working through amusing, rhythmic motion. Peter demonstrates the cable in action and explains why it's not only functional but fun. Tune in for a review of this unforgettable tech accessory that adds a little humor to your charging routine! ▶ Get this product here: https://geni.us/7KVTMGj ---------- LET'S TALK ABOUT LIVING BETTER: ▶ Podcast: https://geni.us/FtGAT4 ▶ My Amazon Store: https://www.amazon.com/shop/petervonp... ---------- IF YOU'D LIKE TO SHOW SOME LOVE: ▶ Buy My Book: https://geni.us/qwbZAE ▶ Become A Channel Member: https://geni.us/AA3Jk ▶ Patreon:   / petervonpanda   ▶ Merch: https://petervonpanda.storenvy.com/ ▶ Free Panda Group: https://panda-research-institute.mn.co FOLLOW MY OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS: ▶ Instagram:   / petervonpanda   ▶ Facebook:   / petervonpanda  

Of Funerals and Families; Part One In 25 parts, edited from the works of FinalStand. Listen and subscribe to the ► Podcast at Connected.. “Victory is neither pointless, fleeting, nor soon forgotten. It is yours.” I have been warned that my Uncle wants me dead. My Aunts want me for; other things." "What do they want?" E asked. It was the whole 'men as a true asset' problem for her. "The whole repository of nefariousness;” Pamela started to explain, but then, "Double Word Score!" Pamela and I exclaimed excitedly then 'high-fived'. Yes, you spiteful Cosmos, I had found my soul-mate and she was a near-octogenarian with a macabre sense of humor; who also had a telepathic ability to know my mind. E looked totally lost in the exchange. "Yes; the whole repository of nefariousness was created to be sterile," Pamela picked up the conversation. "Which makes the very existence of Cáel here very noteworthy; virtually inexplicable," she mused. "What have the labs at Havenstone think of this?" Rachel worried. "I refused to go back in for any more tests," I met her gaze. "But it could be important," E joined in. "I will make it easy on you both; I'm a horrible person. I'm the Head of House Ishara and I elect to not put my fate in the hands of the same people who leaked my very existence to the Illuminati during the first set of tests," I stated. "Which is why I'm here in Chicago burying my Father, in case any of you missed it." "Certainly knowing what is going on is more important than the risk of further exposure," E persisted. She got kudos for sticking to her guns. "Esmeralda, I work for Katrina Love, Head of Executive Services," I responded. "By that I mean I have this nifty little glass table in a corner of her office. Me stressing over my genetics isn't really important. Katrina is on the case and I haven't been out of college for two months yet. If the difference between Havenstone getting in a fight with the Illuminati and keeping the truce is my blood sample, she'll let me know," I added. "As far as Ishara is concerned, Havenstone had an information leak that got a house member killed." "Do you have other family?" E inquired hesitantly. "Blood kin? Not in this country and certainly not anyone I could name," I sighed. "I case you are wondering, there are a grand total of three members on Ishara's roster." "Is the rest of your family safe?" E was trying to sound upbeat. "Safe? Of course they are not safe. They both work for Executive Services, Esmeralda. They were 'Runners' who I inducted into Ishara. They are Amazons of the Host and that means never being safe this side of the cliffs. Friday morning I presented them to our ancestors and they were welcomed as equals; as sisters to those who have the blood of Mycenaeans on their hands," I turned to look out the window. "What was it like?" Tiger Lily inquired. "The induction." "If you are looking for a vision of a stone hall with thousands of war-like Amazons holding me in judgment, you'll be disappointed," I recalled. "I had to create the ceremony from scratch; ash, tears and blood. "I felt strong enough about that instinct I let Desiree slap me until I cried enough tears. With Desiree's knife, I cut myself, they cut themselves and our blood mixed," I finished. "That is not how it is done," Rachel corrected me. "No," I stopped. "It is not how you do it. House Ishara has come back from the void that waits for all those who are dead and have no one living to recall them," I explained. "We are not the other Houses. We are both Love and Oaths and there is a lack of respect for each of those virtues in this World." "I never considered Amazons as overly romantic, but we are true to our oaths," Esmeralda was starting to bask in the openness of the exchange. "I do not doubt the integrity of anyone in this vehicle, except for me," I gave her a weary grin. "The failure of oaths is mine. Ishara was bound by an Oath and has failed in her pledge. You are wrong about the romance and I am sure you have misunderstood my definition. I live for the day when no sons are sent to the cliffs as newborns; Love, Esmeralda. Love." The hush pressed upon us until Tiger Lily pulled up in front of the Hotel Burnham. Rachel, E, Charlotte (from the second GL) and I went in. I wave the others back as I went to the desk. Rachel and Charlotte had grey duffel bags with 'stuff' inside. E had my minimal kit. "Cáel Nyilas with Havenstone," I introduced myself. Yes, I was in 'prison' gear. "Director Nyilas; welcome to the Burnham," he recovered quickly. "Which rooms do you wish to use?" Thank you, Helena, no I'm a damn Director. He twisted the screen so I could see the list. Eleven doubles and a Lakeview Executive Suite with two adjoining Deluxe Suites. "We'll use those," I indicated the Executive/Deluxe/Deluxe. "Very good, Sir," he nodded. "Will you be ordering room service? I'm afraid the Atwood restaurant has closed for the evening." "Sounds like a plan," I looked at his name tag, "Steve, or do you prefer Mr. McCabe?" "Steve will do fine, Director;” Steve started. "I will make it easy on you Steve," I sighed. "Call me Cáel. All this Director crap is for the benefit of people I barely know. I am here, in my hometown, to bury my Father; who was murdered yesterday." Steve paled. "The FBI gave me these spiffy duds. If any law enforcement shows up asking for me, give me a ring first." "Nyilas; from Burnham? I read about that," Steve seemed bemused. "The day shift Assistant Manager is from Burnham too." How wonderful, I thought sarcastically. Steven sensed my waning interest. "Your keycards, Sir; Cáel and my sympathy for your loss." "Steve, never miss a chance to tell your loved ones how you feel," I took the cards. "That is my biggest regret with my Dad. I didn't think about it the last time we talked." Steve gave a final nod. I rejoined my group and headed for the elevator. The rest was a tired blur. The rest of the group showed up, including Pamela. I called Nicole to tell her the situation then called Timothy despite the late hour to make sure he was okay. Timothy informed me that two 'psycho-chicks' stopped by as a kind of 'meet and greet'. I hit the small hotel fitness center with Mona, the fourth member of Rachel's team. It helped. What helped more was the constant reminder that I worked with smart people. Mona's mother was dead as well, killed on an undisclosed mission with the SD when she was ten. She could understand my sense of grief and confusion. We didn't cry and hug. It wasn't something she could do with a man. Give a decade, or two and she might come around. Instead, "Thank you for Constanza," Mona said quietly to me as we exited the center. "I measure a person's life in the lives we save; as well as the ones we take," I enlightened her. Before that moment, I didn't really consider killing people to be all that praiseworthy an endeavor. Today I had been in a situation where my life had been in immediate danger. I was glad the other guy ended up dead. Since I was prepared to keep acting stupidly, I was grateful for those who would murder people so that I could remain both noble of purpose and alive. "She is close to me; she helped me grow up after Mom was gone," Mona opened up a tiny bit. "Aren't you a bit angry with me?" I asked. "Initially, I was very angry. Then I heard your words and I knew you spoke the truth of the matter," Mona exhaled. "She should have died. She deserved death for what she said." "No one;” I started to comfort Mona. "For a member of a Faith that exults in the harshness of martial conflict, you spend an inordinate amount of energy struggling to keep people alive," Mona noted. "I'm glad I helped deal with those Latin Kings now. It was a mission worth doing." "What?" I stumbled. "Didn't Buffy tell you?" Mona regarded me. She smirked. "Yeah, we hunted them down late Sunday night and into early Monday morning. I doubt the few who escaped will ever be back." "Why haven't I; anybody heard about this?" I worried. Mona looked at me somewhat perplexed. "Cáel of Ishara, we always take the bodies of murder victims, cut them up, place them in large drums of acid and ship them to Canada," Mona informed me. "Ah; thanks for telling me that. Let's both agree to not let Buffy know that I know, okay?" I requested. "She'll get an inordinate thrill thinking she knows something I don't." "As you wish, Cáel of Ishara," Mona nodded gravely.  (Tuesday Morning) Sexual addiction is somewhat like military service. It requires you to be alert to your surroundings, think on your feet, follow procedures and; most crucial to me; shows you how to remain functional with minimal sleep. In this case, five hours sufficed to clear out my cobwebs and make me incredibly horny. All of that was despite the layers of upsetting news being placed before me. Executive Services had gone over the feed from the four SD members. Inadvertently, Dad had fought on the 'right' side. The team leader died first. Her back-up put two men in the grave and wounded a third before they tossed a grenade on her. I looked at Charlotte as she gave me the news. We both had a 'what the' expression on our faces. Grenade? I kept doing my calisthenics. The second two-Amazon group killed three attackers on their side of the building then charged the back door. I wondered if Mom's Garden Dragon was okay. It was like a Garden Gnome, except it was a Dragon. Mom was odd that way. The attacking group had blown the front door and entered the first floor. The Amazons in the back decided to shoot out the lock instead. While transiting the kitchen moving forward, the second group took fire; from a Zastava M 21. I was confused. "It is a modern Serbian weapon," Charlotte filled in the blanks. "Dad was killed by Serbians?" I muttered. "No," Charlotte sighed. "No he wasn't." Another look from me as I started my standing push-ups. "That team member was wounded. The shooter was taken down by both of our teammates. At this point, three other attackers moved from your front room to the dining room, pinning our team down. That was when your father broke cover and assaulted the attackers. He had this large lamp and cracked it over the right shoulder of the closest man," Charlotte stated. I knew that light fixture Charlotte was talking about. It was a floor lamp, nearly two meters tall, made of glass and bronze. My physique was from my Father; broad shoulders and powerful arms. That 'large lamp' weighed over 30 kg and, powered by my father's upper body strength, I was betting the guy who was on the receiving end had have some of his bones snapped. "The man screamed in Bulgarian, his two companions turned to see what was happening and the Amazons advanced by fire toward your father," Charlotte continued. "Your father swung again," she looked at me, "connecting with the man's chest. In response, the other two shot him three times. He fell. The second team pressed forward, killing the man your Father wounded and wounding another. The last unhurt Amazon was killed trying to get to your Father while the survivor was concussed by the use of a second grenade. We don't have the video of what happened in the interim. When the last Amazon began moving again, the two remaining attackers had dragged your father out the front door. She pursued and fired. She wounded the undamaged attacker; and one of her bullets ended your Father's life. She was wounded in this last exchange of fire. The two men helped each other to a vehicle and left." I kept working out as I made an acceptable collage of my misery. "Does she know?" I whispered. "Does she; the Amazon? Her name is Sabina. I don't think she's been informed yet," Charlotte answered. "Unless it becomes necessary, don't tell her that her bullet killed my Father," I sighed. "The only thing that is important to me; to Ishara; is that she gave her all as did her sisters. My Father was killed by the men who first shot him. Had they escaped with my Father, they weren't taking him to a hospital, so he was as good as dead anyway. That is all that matters." "Yes Ishara," Charlotte responded with quiet reverence. Knowing nothing of Security Detail's procedure and tradition, I had tossed out an excuse to spare a valiant woman a terrible piece of news. Charlotte's demeanor suggested to me that it would be a kindness conveyed. A few minutes later, Rachel and Tiger Lily came in from their suite. Mona had been my guardian while I slept so she slept now. This was our signal to shower and put on some clothes before the group went downstairs for breakfast. Pamela presented herself as I was getting dressed. Esmeralda's arrival signaled our migration to the ground floor Atwood restaurant. As everyone glided into the elevator, I had a nostalgic moment for Odette. A normal, non-lethal, happy young lady. This all-encompassing seriousness around me was crimping my efforts to find the silver lining in this personal calamity. Ten seconds after exiting the elevator, Nicole angled toward us then we proceeded to breakfast. It took a little jockeying and refereeing by me to get the seating arrangements set. Nicole was on my left then Pamela. Rachel and E were on my right. Charlotte and Tiger Lily were across from me as orders were taken. "How are you holding up, Cáel?" Nicole put a hand on my lap. I had no immediate reply. "Lonely. Sad. Alone. Bereft of anger; it is pointless. I want to scream, rage, tear things up, throw things across the room and hear them shatter; but not really," I confessed. Suddenly, a strange essence infused my core. "No, that's wrong. I am not alone. We have suffered more, lived through worse and never wavered even in the face of death," I said in a ghostly whisper. That was really the last thing I wanted to say. Its origin was from an enigmatic corner of my mind I was resisting venturing into. 'Taking oneself to the cliffs' made a whole lot more sense suddenly. The Amazon prepared her daughters and granddaughters for her absence. She volunteered to make that trek. In her heart, she called out to her Ancestors to prepare them to accompany her on that final journey. That all sounded like comfortable spiritual mumbo-jumbo, safely quoted by a rational man under duress. The abyssal rift in that psycho-babble, makeshift patch over my emotional pain was I felt Vranus and Ishara standing at my shoulders. Vranus because his seemingly endless quest was finally resolved and he and his descendants would at last be welcomed into the halls of their kin. With me, he had succeeded and brought his people home. There was still the matter of the rest; the three sons of Arinniti and the elder warrior. Holy Crap; they were still out there, waiting to be shown the path home. My 'Evenly Holier Crap' moment was feeling the weight of the eyes of Ishara upon me. Not Ishara, the matron goddess of this; my House, but that ancient Amazon who had surrendered her personal name to oblivion to give her followers a sense of unity. No female was solely 'her' daughter; all the women of the house were equal in birth and station. It was that Ishara who stood at my shoulder and, beyond some perverse desire to look behind me to see how sexy she was, I felt I had her; not approval; her mandate. We had to be held to our oaths and would die to a woman (and man) for them. We were to give the Host a second chance to make things right. There would be no retreat. It was not in the Amazon psyche to fight the relentless, remorseless and bloody battle; to risk everything on victory with no thought of failure. It was not something guys were accustomed to, but had been the doom of men down through the ages. Whether too romantic, too stubborn, or too bound to our brother's in arms, men had embraced hopeless causes before; mostly perishing without fanfare yet with the exceptional impossible victory to give us hope. From time immemorial, male kin of the flesh and spirit had piled their corpses one upon the other, refusing the verdict of combat for the sake of brotherhood and every imaginable ideal. It was hardly a trait worth sharing with the sisters. They would understand the pieces; not the result. My lack of political ability would not be disability. I simply had to learn to fight; a lot better than I did at that moment. The echoes of this message inside my head, the chilled air that filled my lungs and balance restored to my heart was bizarrely unfrightening. It would be an affirmation of the 'first directive' oaths all the houses had sworn. It wasn't my place to raise all the 'Runners', or even a single one. It was my duty to initiate the 'Worthy', no matter their number. My actions were mine. I would not shame the other houses. I would not consider their prestige at all. It was not my place in the same way it was not their place to tell me what I could and couldn't do. It was a divine 'Go get 'em' and it felt pretty, freaking awesome. "Cáel, are you okay?" Nicole asked in a worried tone. She squeezed my thigh. I looked down at my hands. I was okay. "Nicole, I have the blood of Ahhiyawa champions on my hands. I feel it's sticky, sickening ichor and smell the copper-laden, metallic odor," I smiled. "I think I'm going to be just fine." "Who?" Nicole was even more concerned. "Someone who screwed with me a long, long time ago. They are all dead, but don't worry about the bodies showing up to bother anyone," I grinned. All the full-blooded Amazons had been very still. The word 'Ahhiyawa' appeared to scare them even more than my haunting actions. To the Amazons, the Ahhiyawa were the Mycenaeans in the time of the Iliad. The problem seemed to be that I had never heard any member of the Host use that term and I was suddenly curious as to why. "You seemed to have went away for a few seconds," Nicole joked lightly. "You do appear better rested, which is good. What is on the agenda for today?" "Get my Father's body, prepare for his cremation, arrange for the last Roman Catholic Church we attended to send somebody to the service and prepare my parent's plot," I ran down. "I imagine the police and feds will want to contact me again," I piled it on. "I want to see my home if the forensic guys let me. What do you think will be aimed at me?" "We'll check up on any family attorney you may have had along with probating your father's Will, if he had one," Nicole assured me. "As for the authorities, let's see what kind of warrants they are asking for before we move beyond a 'denial' defense." "Denial, as in me claiming I didn't do anything because, ya know, I didn't do anything," I gave her a sleepy smile. "How about we eat first?" We ordered, drank our coffee, tea and juices while remaining largely non-communicative. It wasn't until the food began arriving did I realize I'd 'misplaced' Pamela once more. As I tore into a big slab of ham, I looked over my surroundings for the first time. I gave myself a mental pat on the back when I spotted Pamela then the 'big picture' kicked me in the nuts. Pamela was dressed as a server, coasting about the room, filling drinks, getting appetizer and performing the tedious little chores that waiters and waitresses had to pull off flawlessly. The other wait-staff noticed Pamela, but since she was making their jobs easier and not taking their gratuities, they ignored her. They probably thought she was some industry expert. The plates were being cleared away when Pamela returned, back in normal clothing. She dumped a pile of ID's on the table. Nicole picked them up. "Chicago PD; Organized Crime Taskforce," Nicole read off then glanced to Pamela. "ATF, Homeland Security, FBI, FBI, Chicago PD; Homicide, Federal Marshall and Federal Marshall." "What?" Pamela said between bites of her veggie omelet. "I took their identification, not their wallets. Do you want me to go back for those too; and their keys?" "No. We have risked Mr. Nyilas' freedom enough for one meal," Nicole shot back. She took Tiger Lily's empty plate, dumped the ID's on it then covered the pile with her handkerchief. "Hello," this officious young lady greeted us. I'd been distracted by Nicole's malfeasance so I missed the hotel's new Assistant Manager's approach. It was turning out to be a great morning for visitations from my past. This ghost was much younger than the last ones. Our eyes met. It was easy to see that I was the man in charge being the only man at the table. "Director Nyilas, I hope everything is going well for you and your staff this morning," she smiled. "I would also like to convey the Hotel Burnham's condolences at the passing of your father. I too was born and raised in Burnham." I already knew where she'd lived most of her life. Most critically, I very strongly recalled where she'd gone to school; all 12 grades plus K. "Cameron Sanders," I stood and extended my hand across the table. "You look familiar." Of course she looked familiar. Cameron had publically ground my soul into the grit that ants stepped upon. Her verbal rejection had been a pivotal moment in my life. After that day, I had taken responsibility for my life both anatomically and academically. Recall how I had said I was once a 'nobody'. Here was living proof. Cameron and I had gone to the same schools from Kindergarten through our senior years. We'd even shared classes and it wasn't like I could be confused with all the other 'Cáels' we'd gone to school with; because there weren't any. The same goes for 'Nyilas'. I'd been shifting the boner in my pants for three solid years because of Cameron. She had been hot in high school and she was even better looking now; Brooke hot. For a second, my confidence wavered. In that heartbeat, I realized she was just another woman and I was no longer that guy. "Where you an upperclassman at Thornton Fractional North High School?" she queried. "Hmm; do you recall Jenny Forrester?" I countered. Cameron knew her African-American rival, no doubt. The tweak in her smile said as much. "I'm going out on a limb; you look like a DePaul girl." Cameron's eyes twinkled. Her eyes flitted down to where her class ring normally held court. She had taken it off for work neutrality. "How did you guess?" Cameron tilted her hip suggestively. Sex. "So I'm right?" I reposed. I had 'guessed' right because Cameron crowed about her decision to go to DePaul over all her other offers. "I have some family business to take care of, Cameron," I nodded. "Can we catch up later today and figure out where we've intersected before this morning?" Translation: I'm going to screw you. Not 'I want to', but 'I will'. I could normally figure out a woman in an evening. I had a three year backlog of data on poor Cameron. My Pivotal Goddess was an 'upfront' girl. Her façade was bravado backed by the fear of not measuring up; not being good enough. My mistake in High School was approaching her, hat in hand. Cameron felt best when someone took the tough choices away from her. If she didn't lead, she couldn't fail by her way of thinking. Dad had stood by me that night when he came home from work. I was a broken wreck of a teenage boy. Dad hadn't told me to toughen up and he hadn't been sympathetic. All he wanted to know was what I was going to do about it. What was 'I' going to do, as if I could be the master of my own fate. That was my Dad. The next day I started working out, eating better and taking better care of myself. He was dead; still dead yet my feelings over that had evolved. He was with my ancestors now, waiting for me and my sons and daughters. Looking at it that way, he wasn't really gone at all. "I'll see what can be done," Cameron smiled. I was going to eat her up. "Oh yeah, this plate was mistakenly delivered to my table," I indicated Pamela's illegal haul. "Could you see that it gets where it needs to go after we are gone?" Cameron shot me a sultry smile without even giving her task a casual glance. A hideous tip (kudos to Odette) was added to our over-priced bill and the ladies and I retired to our rooms. It was routine heading to our room. Mona waved us to silence. Then the 'bug hunt' began. Like every Amazon persecution of opposing 'life forms', they didn't play fair. The Amazons had placed electronic surveillance in the room before they left so when unwelcomed guests showed up while we ate and Mona 'slept' we could watch where they placed their goodies in our rooms. This was not a matter of throwing a fit and tossing the electronic devices down the garbage disposal. Oh no, not in Amazon battle lore. They found out what frequency your device was broadcasting on and backtracked it. According to Tiger Lily you can use a source point and a handheld device to triangulate the receiver. Then the fun begins. First, keep the original signal going. Put a subroutine of; oh, all kinds of credit card fraud in this case with the video file then call the appropriate law enforcement agency to bust the place. The subroutine would have no point of origin, so the Amazons would be safe. The spying agency would have a headache on their hands. Credit card fraud would require them to confiscate all the equipment because the threat posed was real, even if the tip was now suspect. This was the Amazon equivalent of fixating the enemy at one point; surveillance; while making their real move on another; the funeral. The average Amazon funeral was a private affair. My Security Detail was modifying plans for an Amazon dignitary's attendance of another Society member's funerary rites. Halfway through the deception plan, Special Agents Brock and John showed up at our door. With two law firms (Pratt's and Nicole's) dancing on their foreheads, they were being polite today and inviting me down to be questioned. I asked for Detective Lisa and Investigator Horace to be there. One: I didn't dictate who investigated me. Two: they were under Internal Affairs review. I agreed with 'one'; I would say 'nothing' to any number of highly qualified law enforcement operatives. I might give answers to the two I had mentioned. 'Two' was none of my affair. They could hope for some answers when they chose the review would be over. I was more than happy spending a lifetime not talking to them. Legalize was tossed around to the point Nicole yawned, pointed out none of them were attorney's with the United States District Court of the Northern District of Illinois; damn, that's some letterhead, and they could make no deals, grant no immunities, on their own. There was no talking to be done except for the ass-reaming the Court of Appeals was going to give both the Federal attorney who applied for the surveillance warrant and the judge who signed it. Low and behold, phones began ringing. As a patrol unit was making a raid on a room three floors down, a series of shots rang out. A gun battle ensued between the three armed men in the room, the two patrolmen (women actually) and the entire misfortunate event was caught on NBC Channel Five news. Occasionally I forget I work for fundamentally viciously sick fucks. My 'team' had sent the cops and the news crew to the spot and even supplied the ignorant housekeeper with the room card-key for the cops to break in with; a hotel room is not a private dwelling. Cops break in, do their 'freeze, we are the police' thing, but before the three feds in the room could reply, 'their' computer audio equipment let off a sound of bullets firing and ricochets echoing across the room. Nature took its course after that. The feds drew and both sides began shooting. No one died, but one ATF guy was going off to surgery. They would have all earned Purple Hearts if they had been in the military and a commendation no matter what; had two law enforcement agencies not shot each other up. The chase was on for the news crew who was desperately trying to get their station to show the footage before the feds grabbed the memory cards. Despite having had no part in that fiasco, Nicole immediately clued in that the moment our two feds ran off to help their comrades it was our time to leave. Did we go to the vehicles we came in? No. That would have exhibited a lack of paranoia my guardians would have found appalling. Two new car waited a block away. Had I been better at this game, I would have noticed the lack of functioning traffic cameras around us. Instead, I went begging to the local diocese of the Catholic Church. I plead my case. Mom and Dad were devout, raised me to be a devout Catholic yet when my Mother died, my father had never gotten over the trauma and me, being a young man, hadn't explored my spirituality yet; but I promised I'd get right on it when I returned to New York. The priest who handled the end of life stuff for the Church was sympathetic. He gave me the name of a local priest near my home I could talk to on my return. He also told me that he'd received a moving letter from a nun in Uganda about a deeply spiritual moment she had shared with me years ago, so he was onboard with giving my Dad a Catholic send-off. I wasn't sure if that was a sign to never touch a wannabe Nun again, or a reminder that nun's gave incredibly positive feedback on their sexual misadventures. I went with the latter. A few more calls, the choosing of the proper crematorium and I was through with the first part of that ordeal. Next came the funeral notification and invites. The Union would send some of Dad's closest co-workers and several neighbors said they'd show up as well. Flowers, clothes, wake; well, it couldn't be in my family home. The forensic team was gone and it was free for me to wander through, but the bullet holes and blood might put a damper on the ambience. In the midst of my worries, I got a call. A polite man named Winchell Sokolowsky offered me the Marshal Fields Jr. Mansion for my personal use. If there is any doubt, Chicago is Not the city of good Samaritans, the overly polite, or even the casually kind. Chicagoans pride themselves on being tough. We have plenty of good people who help out, volunteer and try to make life easier for their fellow man. That does not encompass giving a random stranger use of a multi-million dollar mansion. If I hadn't already been living in fantasy land, I'd have been busy figuring out which one of my few male friends was pulling this prank of on me, but no. "Can I inquire about the source of this largesse, Mr. Sokolowsky? Take in mind the incredible likelihood of a government agency most foul listening in," I cautioned him. "A family friend," he responded with an amused snort. Yeah, cause my Father's funeral was all chuckles for me. Since crab-women weren't likely to know owners of mansions, this had to be my aunts. Woot. "Thank you sir. My security people will be over to sweep the place before the city, state, or federal governments can crank out another search warrant. Thank you again." "That is not unexpected," Sokolowsky replied. "Until then." Rachel looked at me as if I'd done something absurd. She may have been right. "Did you just accept shelter from an individual we do not know; except that he is certainly part of the Protocols?" she stared at me. "Come on now," I chastised her. "It's for a funerary wake. I'm not taking three hundred of the lads out for a stroll, chasing savages up the Little Big Horn, or an Irishman deciding that Oliver Cromwell is a man of his word." I leaned in and winked to Rachel. "Besides Charlie; I got an angle." Pamela, who just happened to be walking by, gave me another high-five. Rachel was really learning to hate/dread those moments of synergy between Pamela and I. "I am not allowed to kill you and I am afraid I can't kill Pamela, but please don't think I don't want to do both," Rachel ratcheted up her displeasure. "Torn into itsy-bitsy pieces;” Pamela started. "And buried alive!" I finished. Another high-five. "You two are both insane," Rachel despaired. "That's the spirit," Pamela and my comeback to Rachel was in synch once again. To prove I wasn't heartless, I hugged Rachel. She froze, arms at her side, caught between warring impulses. I maneuvered her arms around until her hands rested on the back of my hips then rested mine on the small of her back. "Rachel, I cannot go back to a safe, faceless existence," I whispered as I planted tender kisses on her forehead. "To do so would be a betrayal of; me; Ishara." Rachel let go of her emotions and rested her head against my shoulder. "Why couldn't I be tasked to do something sane; like fight drug cartels, Maoist insurgence, or corporate hit squads in the Amazon?" she sighed. I moved my hands to her ass and gave them a nice fondle making sure to slowly grind her waist against my hips. Humping her would have been a mistake. That was sexual. I was giving her a bit of physical appreciation and nothing more. Rachel tilted her head up, I brought mine down until we were nose to nose. "Promise me you will try to stay alive, Cáel," she sounded almost mournful. "I will make a deal with you," I stated. "If I make it back to New York alive, you will consent to have sex with me." Rachel was confused, suspicious yet aroused. "None of this 'one hour' in some dormitory, or nunnery cell. I want everything; a light meal, some quality touching time and a minimum of two rounds of orgasmic sex." "Ah; not a scratch," Rachel counter-offered. I nodded, kissed her nose and she felt as if she'd won something. Rachel got ready to take us to our next stop. Pamela slipped past me. "Like shooting fish in a barrel," she whispered. I had never used that term out loud before. "That's what I would say," she clarified. She was my evil psychic twin grandmother. It was through a tireless group effort that I made it back to the Hotel Burnham at 4 p.m. Cameron made a show of being busy when I first came back. I was willing to be patient. While she puttered around, I flirted with the desk clerk and one of the baggage attendants; pale skin, blonde hair with freckles and light brown skin, black hair in a Nubian weave. This was the 'professional' lure. By presenting myself as a 'Man's Man' and garnering female adoration, I was clearly not (yet) that into her. The pressure was on her and Cameron didn't like pressure because pressure equated to the possibility of failure. Her advantages which were obvious to every other observer were not certainties to her. Contest time. "Director Cáel Nyilas," Cameron interrupted my joke to the two ladies, "I'm finished up for the day." I gave a quick smile to the women I was about to leave then turned on my personal demon. "Should I wait in the lounge until you change?" "No," I waved off her objections. "You can come up to my suite and then we can go to your domicile for you to change for a night out." Quick visual clue update: she lived at home with her parents yet dated enough that it wouldn't be awkward. It also showed me that she was uncomfortable about going to my room. She wasn't so enchanted she would do something stupid. I had the answer to that. I had made it a public declaration. Not only did my hovering troop had the news, so did her front desk. Nothing bad could happen to her if everyone knew where she was; right? On the elevator ride up it was just me, Cameron, Pamela and Esmeralda. The rest travelled on ahead. She took one rear corner so I took the other. I then let my leather-soled shoes slide down the carpet, lowering my overall height compared to Cameron. At some point, I began back-spinning my feet, pretending to be on the edge of falling on my ass. I smiled at Cameron and her eyes sparkled at the vaudevillian gesture. Know your prey and I knew way more about Cameron than was healthy for any girl. For instance, she loved Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton; more of a Keaton girl. She giggled then came to my rescue. She was wrapping me up in her arms while mine stayed safely away. "You are a bit of a joker," she teased me. "Your beautiful smile makes all that effort worthwhile," I truthfully pledged to Cameron. She sighed so contentedly. Behind her back, Pamela was loading a two-barreled hunting device, aiming at some surface-based, above ground structure with an open top and gave it both barrels while avoiding the imaginary back-splash. 'Looks like herring for dinner,' she mouthed with a wicked grin. Esmeralda was soaking it in. Hadn't I pounced on Rachel a few hours earlier? I was definitely hooking Cameron and reeling her in for some sexual deviant purpose; and Pamela was mocking the whole situation. E turned and faced the doors. "You seem like a really nice guy," Cameron murmured. "I mean that in a good way." "I can't see you as any way, but truthful and kind," I met her cherished countenance. "I imagine even harsh lessons are difficult for you to deliver." There; she had one last chance to figure out the poor schlub she'd crushed at the start of our senior year was me. "Being a leader can be very tough," she moped as she pressed into me. My mumbled offerings of affection and her savage reprisal had never registered with her. I was going to eat her alive. "How about I take care of you tonight?" I requested. She hesitated, not out of fear, but confusion. "Completely relax and I'll make the decisions for this one night. Your mind will be free to enjoy and discard at your pleasure." On most levels, Cameron was seeing this as a date. She was a 'dating' girl. She didn't give up the goodies until date three, if I was exceptionally good; date four, or five otherwise. I was about to dispose of that with a clever case of role reversal. My two staffers vanished as I entered my lakeside executive suite. A splendid view I thought I'd never be able to afford the last day; The 28th of December. I had enough money for a flight and a date picking me up at the airport. Bolingbrook had an inordinate amount of students stay the holidays and, by tradition, the graduating class hosted a New Year's Eve party for those students and the staff. I had told Dad about Havenstone and my infinitesimal chances of that kind of job. That was it. He patted me on the shoulder. There was no pressure to come back to Burnham after graduation if I didn't have a job lined up. It was my home if I needed it. So much was unspoken between us. I could tell he was proud; college; good grades; popular; happy. I shouldn't have taken for granted we'd get a chance to talk later. Back to the joy at hand. "So, what's it like working with your Dad?" I dropped into our causal conversation. I was in the bedroom, door open; really? Why do they put doors on those things? The 'Daddy' question could be taken two ways and I trusted Cameron to take it the worse way; and to be pissed. "My Father didn't get me the job here!" Cameron stormed in and insisted with a nice spirited mare stomp of the foot as emphasis. I 'just happened' to be naked, half turned away and a nice, highly suggestive pair of men's underwear in my hands. "What do you mean?" I was clearly confused. I turned a bit more toward her. Now she could almost see everything. "You; you have scars all over your body," she moaned. "I am a warrior, Cameron. This is the kind of man I am," I gave her a fierce, dominating gaze. "I fight for what I want and I brutally defend that which is mine. Who did you think I was?" Had Cameron been a fighter, that would have been the point she left the room. She was all up-front, bravado and a superior façade over an insecure, parentally driven trophy for their mantel place. My anger faded. It wasn't her fault I couldn't read her signs four years ago. I was still going to fuck her to the afterlife and back, but this time I'd be doing it as an informative journey. "I don't know anymore," Cameron tried to rally some sort of coherent rampart. "Come here," I beckoned her with one hand (the one without the underwear). Cameron shook her head. "Cameron, please believe me, there are things my staff would let me get away with; rape is not one of them. I won't touch you anywhere unless you give me permission." If you are a girl in the room at this point, you are toast. I just made it safe to touch my naked body. Sure, you have clothes on; for now, but not for long. Why? Women desire sex about as much as men do. Unless you are a vapid fashion model with substance abuse issues, men with non-disfiguring scars are an aphrodisiac. Add to that a hard-forged physique and men, sex is there for the taking. "I; uh;” she kept taking baby-steps forward. "I; Pam; Pamela is it?" "Yo," Pamela answered in a bored manner, knife in hand, then, "Whoa now!" she pointed her knife at my equipment. "Sheath that, young man. Put it under wraps right now." "I'm grown man, Pamela," I griped. I also put on my underwear. "Pluck the freaking pebble out of my hand, bitch, and then I'll call you an adult," Pamela sneered. Looking to Cameron, "Anything else Miss?" "No, thank you; no, wait. What do you do for Mr. Nyilas?" Cameron asked. "I'm his psychic medium," was Pamela's sage reply. That supernatural bogusness made Cameron happy. It shouldn't have. "Yeah, I kill his enemies then interrogate their souls," Pamela added with a nod. "It is highly rewarding work." Cameron's mouth gaped. "How about I shut the door and give you two kids some privacy." "What does she really do?" Cameron whispered to me. Part of me wanted to say 'she told you'. "She's my masseuse," I lied. I started putting my pants on (forgetting my socks) then fell/sat on the bed. Cameron came to my bedside. I rolled on my back and highly exaggerated the effort it took to pull them up. Cameron began giggling. "Hey, these are my 'skinny' slacks. I wouldn't laugh at you if our positions were switched." "Really?" she teased me. I laughed and she laughed along. "Cameron, think about it. I'm shirtless and definitely bra-less. I'm pretty sure I'd be too distracted by a multitude of your other assets to snicker," I countered. Cameron blushed and smiled. Ah, the visual image in Cameron's head was her, with jeans, racy panties and nothing else on while I hovered over her, relishing her attempts to conceal her charms. I shuffled back on the bed and resumed pulling my slacks up. Cameron followed, right into the danger zone. "Wait;” she put a hand on my abdomen. "What caused that scar?" So I told her. Okay, I gave her an abridged version of the truth. Fine, I lied like a big dog. I had the amazing habit of stumbling across women in need of saving. I bled for their virtue and honor, racked with intense pain before a violent victory was seized by my masculine hands. I was sure that Pamela and Rachel were hiding just outside the door, retching into waste baskets over the layers upon layers of my tripe. Around wound twelve, I was sure if I had asked Cameron to wear little lamb ears and a bell around her neck, she would have; had one been handy. To be fair, I wasn't fighting off legions of Green Beret. I was doing one better. I was using thinly-veiled caricatures of her High School enemies and nemeses. I was revealing their wickedness and pummeling them for their evil ways. There is a precious look a woman has when she miraculously discovers she is going to have the intercourse she's wanted yet somehow not recognized that need for until that moment. Cameron had that look, straddling me, skirt hiked up to her waist and vulva riding my cock (two layers intervening). We were out of wounds. "The rest are covered up," I explained in a predatory voice. Yes, Cameron was going to have sex and she had no control of events whatsoever and I hadn't even laid a hand on her yet. "Where?" she was suddenly baffled. "Pants," I kept it short and to the point. Cameron looked over her shoulder She reluctantly started to dismount so she could get to them so I made my move. I grabbed her hips in mid-dismount and rotated her around to reverse-cowgirl. Cameron began tugging off my pants with my legs raised high. My stomach crunches kicked in and I leveraged my torso up as well. I deftly moved her skirt up and went straight to the ass massage. Cameron's head shot around, eyes fearful. I had broken my word to not touch her without permission. Yes, I had lied to a girl; Now, I kissed her right on the lips, expertly delivered a delving French kiss and moved one hand to her right breast for an aggressive fondle. Cameron was really getting into it. Her nipples were highly sensitive. Her ass was humping like an over-eager sorority girl pole-dancing on Amateur Night. On cue, Cameron broke free and flew off the bed. "What; you; I thought we were going out?" she whined. She was horny as hell and didn't want to be held accountable at it. "Why are you running away?" I reclined back, solely in my underwear now. I was using my 'I'm disappointed in you' voice. Yes, I was 'guilting' a girl into having sex. Duh. I would never coerce a woman, or take one not in her right mind; that's using forces beyond her control. Guilt? Guilt has a foundation squarely in a woman's mind, just like humor, romance, common interests (feigned or not) and horniness. Girls can control guilt just like any other psychological trigger. It is called being shameless and I ought to know. Remember guys, it cuts both ways. Don't think so? You've had a girlfriend three whole months to the point she's staying over a night or two a week. One night, after your (hopefully) second round, you both discover it is that time of the month. 'Babe (or whatever pet name she has saddled you with), can you run to the store and get me some tampons and pads?' That, by the way, was not a question. She, for hygiene reasons, can't put her clothes on and go out herself. So, you go out to the Quick-Mart at 2 a.m. praying to God that none of your buddies are on a late night beer run and see you with your; stuff. You are not doing this for sex. She's not feeling 100% at the moment. Why are you? Guilt. She was at your place, making your Baloney Pony happy and this happened. You could send her out to the store. Not only is she not the only woman out there, many women understand guys getting freaked out about menstrual products. No, you feel guilty and risk the ridicule of your peers because it is your fault and you are not a dick-wad. And why did she ask you to do something that has nothing to do with you? Women are equally aware that guilt works, Baby. Back to our tale; "I'm not running away," sounded empty coming out of her mouth. "You said; touching." "I think you gave that option up when you crawled on top of me," I leered. "I clearly want to be with you, Cameron. You have given every indication you want to be with me, so I ask you again, why are you suddenly running away?" I kept after her. "I don't want to have sex; right now," again, she sounded weak. "Whatever happens, I go back to New York in two days," I met her shaky gaze. "You can set a time table if you like. The actuality of my life is relentless. I have things to get back to. If you are going to go, then go. I'll head out alone tonight, get a few drinks, come back early and grab some shut-eye," I shrugged. I went searching for my pants. See, she wasn't some random fuck. I wasn't leaving to replace her; making her a failure. I was hemming her in. I had the timeline. I had made my desires clear. There was no negotiation so while she appeared to have choices, she didn't and she knew it. For a girl who had spent so much effort working hard to not disappoint the main masculine figure in her life there was only one thing to do. "I don't want you to think I ever do anything like this," she propped up her morals while stutter-stepping back to the bed. "I feel I have a connection with you." Ah; the 'I have a connection with you' excuse. It would have been so appropriate if she actually remembered me. I pulled her onto the bed, went through the obligatory trying to push me off then we were back to the kissing and humping. Cameron turned out to be a 'use me' girl. That does Not mean abuse, it means she gets off being a responder to her partner's sexual directions. Caress her cheek, jaw and throat and she'd cup my chin, or massage my chest. Cameron was smart and a quick-learner. Her problem was a lack of a sense of adventure and an aversion to taking the lead. With the phantom applause of a hundred other male 'losers' who went to Fractional North High School, I ‘did' the queen who had been beyond us all only four years ago. The erotic twist to all that was with every sense of triumph and pleasure, Cameron mimicked me. Certainly we were both having a memorable time. I had to touch, lick, knead, and fondle every inch of Cameron's body. We both explored our nipple fetish, sixty-nined and engaged in some anal play; no penetration. I completed my first sojourn with the removal of the condom and the blowjob that had been the fantasy of countless hours in my home's upstairs bathroom. Cameron didn't just swallow; she savored and looked like she wanted more. Normally I cuddle beside my partner post-coitus. With Cameron, I lay on top of her at eye level. I put enough weight on her to let her feel pinned without real discomfort. "I have a confession," I gave her a sweaty-faced grin. "What?" she asked then gave me a peck on the lips. "We went to school together; same grade and everything," I enlightened her. "We even talked once." Cameron didn't know what to make of that. "I'll put that in perspective though. Do you believe that if you do something you do your best? Do you believe in craftsmanship?" "Cáel, you are scaring me," Cameron frowned. "Fifteen seconds and you can go," I conveyed with as much calm as I could. "Answer my question." "Okay; yes, I believe in doing your best. I believe in craftsmanship," Cameron played along. "Your words; 'never in a million years'." I related and waited. First there was the uncertainty and fear of the odd course our relationship had taken. It took a few seconds because so few pieces of the puzzle fit. "Cáel Nyilas; it was you; start of senior year; I had been," she muttered. Then came the real fear. "You must hate me." "I thought about it," I said, "but that isn't really me. See, you helped create me. Truth be told, you were only the catalyst. I did all the work." "A great many women helped. They were never a replacement for you. I was taught better than that by my first lover," I continued. "Still, I would be totally different if you hadn't casually annihilated my self-worth that September day." Pause. "Do you like the results?" "You really don't hate me;” Cameron was coming around. "It was high school. We all screw up in high school. According to a few studies, if you don't make a mess of high school, you are destined for failure," I related some real information. "You are getting hard again," Cameron gasped back to being okay with things between us. "Perhaps I should have warned you," I grinned wickedly. "I'm a sex addict." "Hey, Sex Addict!" Pamela shouted into the room. "There are some people out here to see you." "Good people, or bad people?" I shouted back. "Worse," Pamela replied. "The kind of people that want something from you." That was vaguely unpromising. "Cameron, take a shower and we'll talk about dinner when you get out. I think I need to take care of this," I sighed. Off went Cameron to the shower and on went my robe. In the main room, with a variety of levels of sexual tension, were sixteen women I didn't know. The Hotel Burnham has very nice suites, but they are not ballrooms. The room was pretty crowded, with not enough chairs and wall space getting sparse. They were all Havenstone women and I was willing to bet the average age was thirty-five; not my normal crowd. At least I knew why they were all there. Pamela suspected. Rachel and her team were clueless. "Hi, I am known as Cáel Nyilas," I greeted them. "A short history lesson and things will make a great deal more sense, so please be patient." The crowd was not pleased. I was a male and to a woman, the ladies had repudiated the world of men. They were all 'Runners'. It was the presence of Rachel's group that was keeping them civil at this point. "Twenty-five hundred years ago, as the Second Betrayal was ending, there was a small group of males who had proven themselves to the Amazon Host, taken into houses and their names were written on the Amazon Rolls," I started off. "Two of those males and three male children of one of the houses survived the massacre the female Amazons inflicted on their kin." That bought me a moment. Slaughtering your own babies, even male babies, wasn't something they would shrug off. "Well, if you know your Amazon politics, you know that the children of an Amazon who dies while in service of the Host becomes a member of the Host; so on and so on." The implications were sinking in as was the nervousness. "One of those men was a young warrior named Vranus of House Ishara. I am the sole surviving heir of Vranus. We are also here for the burial of my Father, who was murdered Sunday night. The next bit of Amazon politics. House Ishara was an extinct First House," I continued. "Oh shit," was uttered from half-dozen lips as they moved to the next, obvious step. "The succession to the Head of House for any House is elevation by your peers, accepted ritual combat and; the oldest surviving member of the House," I added. "By the Seven Martial Goddess; don't you have to be female? I mean; We are Amazons!" one of the 'Runners' yelled in disbelief. "Do you plan to add more males to your House?" one of the senior members growled. "Two things; it should not bother you one way, or another, and it is not MY House. It is the House of my Ancestor, Ishara. If this is going to be a problem, you are in the wrong room," I met her hostile glare ember for ember. That one headed for the door. "Wait," a fellow 'Runner' grabbed her arm. "You can't be going along with this Marsha?" the departing Amazon snapped. "I don't know this one, but I trust Buffy," Marsha countered. "Ok ladies, so that we are clear," Pamela sighed. "The next one of you to insult the Head of House Ishara, I am going to drag into the other room, kill you and cut you up into giblets for room service to take away," Pamela sounded positively disinterested. "I am not afraid of you," the departing one glared. "That would be a serious mistake," Rachel interjected quietly. Deep breath from me. "Listen, this is a highly improbable incident. I am not asking anyone to embrace the society you have rejected. In fact, I admire you for the strength it took to transition. I also ask you to accept the fact that I DO NOT want to be here, doing this, with any of you," I made one last effort. "Quite frankly, you man-haters scare me; being a man and all. You seem to think I have a choice in any of this. I don't. I am the heir of Vranus. I am the last known living descendant of the Amazon who chose the name Ishara for the sake of her house's unity," I stated. "I don't want to do this, but I'm not the kind of human being who runs away from my responsibilities." "Okay; Cáel of Ishara, why are we here?" Marsha said as she kept the other one from leaving. "Sixty years ago, the Amazon Houses swore an oath to the women who joined their cause. They lied to you. They have not kept up their side of the bargain. They have refused virtually all of you entry into the status as true, full-blooded Amazons," I explained. "And now you are going to rectify that; injustice?" the senior one kept mocking me. "Fine; you and me; one last chance," I sighed. "Look around you. Who do you see? The prettiest, the most pliable, the most power-hungry? If you can point out one woman in this room that doesn't deserve to be a Full-Blooded Amazon, leave now." "You didn't choose any of us," she responded. "Exactly!" I shouted. "I didn't choose any of you to be in House Ishara. Buffy Ishara and Helena Ishara did. Why? Because I don't know any of you, or your sacrifices and worth to Havenstone. I gave that duty to the two; and only two; member of House Ishara who would know who was the most worthy to be in a First House." "We are here to be inducted," one of the silent Amazons voiced with a dream-like quality. "Yes. Barring being rejected by Ishara, you will be inducted at my Father's graveside tomorrow morning," I stated clearly. "How many?" Senior questioned. "This time; twenty," I answered. "I have no agenda and no set number of 'Runners' to be inducted into House Ishara. It doesn't work

New York Times columnist Ezra Klein says it's wrong to blame Fox News for Trump's return to the White House and Scoot agrees - but Ian has other ideas

Cáel's tombstone: For the love of women, women put him here.In 25 parts, edited from the works of FinalStand.Listen and subscribe to the ► Podcast at Connected..

Topics and discussions for this weeks episode include:Weekly recaps/ Thanksgiving/ Zoie's Atlanta Trip (1:55)Young Filly allegations/ Hip-hop #MeToo Movement (20:30)J. Cole new song addressing big 3 beef (40:10)Glorilla drops her debut album (55:30)Kayla Nicole gets dragged for her comments on Angle Reeses podcast (74:00)What's going on with the next generation of NBA stars (95:00)Safaree gets kicked out of Nicki Minaj concert (110:30)Are American acts struggling to tour Canada?/ Blxst concert (119:30)Viral picture of homeless man on Twitter (136:40) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Did you know that some squirrels, otters and goats are capable of autofellatio? And ferrets, macaques and dolphins can use rocks, plants and other objects as sex toys? Fresh off the back of the Sex is Weird series, Sana Qadar from All in the Mind is getting the down low on animal masturbatory behaviours. Dr Ann Jones has all the goss and it's entirely ruined her internet search history. Please note that this program contains adult themes and explicit language. Parental guidance is recommended.Featuring:Sana Qadar, Presenter All in the Mind. Check out her podcast on the psychology of masturbation here. Matthias Wentzlaff-Eggebert, Listener.Production:Ann Jones, Presenter / ProducerPetria Ladgrove, ProducerAdditional mastering: Isabella Tropiano.This episode of What the Duck?! was produced on the land of the Wadawarrung and the Kaurna people.

Our 4 yr old dog Stanley Pup will NOT quit humping our friend's dogs! HELP!!! Every dang time! They're not gonna dog sit for us anymore pretty soon! Does anyone have any advice or tips on how to get him to stop???

MICK MOLLOY & MG | If A Dingo Starts Humping Your Leg, Just Roll With ItSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Planet Rage is a calming voice of sanity in an insane world, but this episode is HOT! You'd better wear your asbestos suit if you want to come RAGE with us! EXECUTIVE PRODUCER:SirferNo BeretDame SlamyDale Jr.Mark KodraSirTruckDriverEricPPHarryPilgrimChadFScottDHansenCSB – https://www.CSB.lol SUPPORT THE SHOW & TELL A FRIEND!https://planetrage.show/donate EMAIL US: rage @ planetrage.show ALSO CHECK OUT: THAT LARRY … Continue reading "Planet Rage #0141 – Humping Hyena"

Podcast for a deep examination into the career and life choices of Eddie Murphy & Jim Carrey. After Patrick is assaulted when leaving his home one morning, he ponders buying a gun. Lev takes him to the shooting range, but they get distracted by clowns along the way. Joe tries to stop his co-host's projectiles enthusiasm by lobbying the NRA to swear off guns. Will he be able to do what centuries of congress couldn't? Find out on this week's episode of 'What the Hell Happened to Them?' Email the cast at whathappenedtothem@gmail.com Disclaimer: This episode was recorded in August 2024. References may feel confusing and/or dated unusually quickly. 'The Distinguished Gentleman' is available on Youtube (free of charge): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwP5KEzx5zc   Music from "Humpin' Around" by Bobby Brown   Artwork from BJ West   quixotic, united, skeyhill, vekeman, murphy, carrey, versus, vs, itsy, bitsy, spider, living, color, wayans, grier, foxx, fox, simpsons, clinton, humping

This week, Rory's headed to Palm Springs for a show and offers updates on Laurie's jury duty and Dumb John's “career”. Plus, Kamala's big moments, Tim Walz joins the ticket, and arguing with online people in real life. Subscribe and follow us at @superexcitedpod Follow Rory: @itsRORYjames

Welcome back to the ITC podcast! After a long hiatus, we're excited to dive back into the swing of things. In this episode, we catch up on life events, including the joys and exhaustion of celebrating our granddaughter's third birthday. We explore the importance of maintaining habits, from working out to podcasting, and share a few laughs about our quirky neighbors. We also delve into some controversial and humorous topics like the concept of "soaking" and "jump humping" in certain communities, and the challenges of navigating today's social media landscape. Join us for a lighthearted and candid conversation as we get back into the groove of podcasting. You won't want to miss it!

We open with another round of updates from behind the scenes of Em's Outgrown tour, from more mind blowing reviews, to meeting the owner of our most vomit inducing ‘AMA' in Adelaide, all the way to becoming Sarah Connor and seeing a former Idol while performing in WA. Then we move onto all of the unhinged stuff that's continuing to be offered up by US Politics, from VP nominee JD Vance attacking cat owners and not denying the rumours that he is a humper of couches. To the terrible execution of the advert announcing that the Obama's are endorsing Kamala Harris for President. There's also more potential Vice President running mate chat, and even some questions around who Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce might put their support behind if at all. Finally there's just enough time for some Paris Games chat as Elio is officially getting to experience his very first one. So far, in an effort to make sure he's not just consuming toxic bro gamer content, Em has introduced him to all the different female sports, and the men's synchronised diving, so job well done. That then leads us to our Sealed Section, on our premium service Emsolation Extra, where Em and Michael talk the latest episode of ‘House of the Dragon' and also ‘Okay, Stop!' Celine Dion's Opening ceremony performance at the Games. Sign up now to start listening or watching the Sealed Section at emsolation.supercast.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices