Podcasts about national conflict resolution center

On this episode of Management Development Unlocked, Eric sits down with Ashley Virtue from the National Conflict Resolution Center. Ashley travels around the country, teaching people how to resolve conflicts and disagreements in a healthy manner. While their conversation is focused on conflict at work, Ashley and Eric also explore what's driving the increased conflict in our culture, some tools you can use to handle it, and what Ashley points to as the catalyst.Ashley shares some strategies workplace leaders can use to help their teams communicate effectively. She also reveals NCRC's three steps for responding respectfully when you hear something you disagree with: 1) demonstrating understanding, 2) acknowledging the impact it has on the other person, and 3) identifying what the underlying needs are. Ashley emphasizes that simply feeling heard is critical to feeling fairly treated and moving forward. In this episode, you'll hear:Ashley Virtue's role with the National Conflict Resolution Center and what her organization does.The diversity of her work and why there are so many commonalities across industries.Increased conflict in the culture and workplace and the new tools you can utilize to deal with it.What Ashley points to as the catalyst behind the increased divisiveness.Some strategies workplace leaders can use to help their teams communicate effectively.The three components of responding respectfully when you hear something you disagree with.Why Ashley finds her work to be a form of self-care and how it encourages her.Training and workshops NCRC offers in addition to mediation and conflict resolution.Eric's perception of new managers' soft skills in leadership roles.Connect with Ashley Virtue:LinkedInNational Conflict Resolution Center---Head over to girardtrainingsolutions.com to take a look at the 20+ courses I offer for new and experienced managers! Get your copy of the Amazon #1 Bestseller and #1 New Release Lead Like a Pro - The Essential Guide for New Managers while you're there!Connect with me on LinkedIn.Please subscribe and comment!

Our guest this time, Bill Eddy, is a family mediator, lawyer and therapist, and the Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He received his bachelor's degree in Psychology, but didn't stop there. As you will read, he went on to learn and work in the therapy space for a number of years, but his longing to deal with some other issues caused him to study law and after receiving his Juris Prudence degree he worked in the law as a mediator. While doing this he also felt it relevant and appropriate to begin working on ways to address conflicts between persons. He realized that conflict often meant that someone was bullying another person.   Bill and I spend much time discussing bullying, where it comes from, how and why people become bullies and how to deal with bullying kinds of behavior. Our discussions are fascinating and I quite believe important for everyone to hear.   Just last month Bill's latest book, “Our New World of Adult Bullies” was released. Bill discusses his book and why we are encountering more bullying behavior today than we have experienced in the past.   Enough from me. I hope you find my conversation with Bill Eddy relevant, useful and, of course, entertaining.       About the Guest:   Bill Eddy is a family mediator, lawyer and therapist, and the Chief Innovation Office of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He has provided training to mediators, lawyers, judges, mental health professionals and others on the subject of managing high-conflict personalities in over 35 states, 9 provinces in Canada, and twelve other countries.   As a lawyer, Mr. Eddy was a Certified Family Law Specialist (CFLS) in California for 15 years, where he represented clients in family court. Prior to that, he provided psychotherapy for 12 years to children and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Throughout his forty-year career he has provided divorce mediation services, including the past 15 years as the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. Mr. Eddy is the author of several books, including: · Mediating High Conflict Disputes · High Conflict People in Legal Disputes · Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder · Calming Upset People with EAR · BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People · BIFF for CoParent Communication · BIFF at Work · BIFF for Lawyers and Law Offices · So, What's Your Proposal: Shifting High Conflict People From Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds · Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce   He has a continuing education course for Mental Health professionals titled “It's All Your Fault!”: Working with High Conflict Personalities. He has a Psychology Today blog about high conflict personality disorders with over 6 million views. He has a podcast titled “It's All Your Fault” which he does weekly with Megan Hunter.   He taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years. He has served on the part-time faculty of the National Judicial College in the United States and has provided several trainings for judges in Canada for the National Judicial Institute. He is currently on the part-time faculty at the Straus Institute of Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law teaching Psychology of Conflict Communication each year. He teaches once a year on Advanced Communication Skills as Conjoint Associate Professor at Newcastle Law School in Newcastle, Australia.   He is the developer of the New Ways for Families® method for potentially high-conflict families, which is being implemented in several family court systems in the United States and Canada, as well as an online co-parenting course (Parenting Without Conflict by New Ways for Families). He is also the developer of the New Ways for Mediation® method, which emphasizes more structure by the mediator and simple negotiation skills for the parties. He obtained his JD law degree in 1992 from the University of San Diego, a Master of Social Work degree in 1981 from San Diego State University, and a Bachelors degree in Psychology in 1970 from Case Western Reserve University. His website is: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.   Ways to connect with Bill:   www.HighConflictInstitute.com.   About the Host:   Michael Hingson is a New York Times best-selling author, international lecturer, and Chief Vision Officer for accessiBe. Michael, blind since birth, survived the 9/11 attacks with the help of his guide dog Roselle. This story is the subject of his best-selling book, Thunder Dog.   Michael gives over 100 presentations around the world each year speaking to influential groups such as Exxon Mobile, AT&T, Federal Express, Scripps College, Rutgers University, Children's Hospital, and the American Red Cross just to name a few. He is Ambassador for the National Braille Literacy Campaign for the National Federation of the Blind and also serves as Ambassador for the American Humane Association's 2012 Hero Dog Awards.   https://michaelhingson.com https://www.facebook.com/michael.hingson.author.speaker/ https://twitter.com/mhingson https://www.youtube.com/user/mhingson https://www.linkedin.com/in/michaelhingson/   accessiBe Links https://accessibe.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/accessiBe https://www.linkedin.com/company/accessibe/mycompany/   https://www.facebook.com/accessibe/       Thanks for listening!   Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. Do you have some feedback or questions about this episode? Leave a comment in the section below!   Subscribe to the podcast   If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher. You can subscribe in your favorite podcast app. You can also support our podcast through our tip jar https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/unstoppable-mindset .   Leave us an Apple Podcasts review   Ratings and reviews from our listeners are extremely valuable to us and greatly appreciated. They help our podcast rank higher on Apple Podcasts, which exposes our show to more awesome listeners like you. If you have a minute, please leave an honest review on Apple Podcasts.       Transcription Notes: Michael Hingson ** 00:00 Access Cast and accessiBe Initiative presents Unstoppable Mindset. The podcast where inclusion, diversity and the unexpected meet. Hi, I'm Michael Hingson, Chief Vision Officer for accessiBe and the author of the number one New York Times bestselling book, Thunder dog, the story of a blind man, his guide dog and the triumph of trust. Thanks for joining me on my podcast as we explore our own blinding fears of inclusion unacceptance and our resistance to change. We will discover the idea that no matter the situation, or the people we encounter, our own fears, and prejudices often are our strongest barriers to moving forward. The unstoppable mindset podcast is sponsored by accessiBe, that's a c c e s s i capital B e. Visit www.accessibe.com to learn how you can make your website accessible for persons with disabilities. And to help make the internet fully inclusive by the year 2025. Glad you dropped by we're happy to meet you and to have you here with us.   Michael Hingson ** 01:21 And welcome to another episode of unstoppable mindset where inclusion, diversity and the unexpected meet. Today, we get to deal mostly with the unexpected, because inclusion is what it is, diversity is what it is, and those we put in the order that we do, because in the typical sense of the word diversity, doesn't intend to include disabilities or any discussion of disabilities. And people say, well, disability means lack of ability when they're talking about any of that anyway. And the reality is that's not true. Disability should not mean a lack of ability. And people say, Well, it does, because it starts with dis Well, what about disciple? Yeah, what about disciple? What about discern? What about, you know, so many other kinds of things. The reality is that everyone has a disability, and we could talk about that, but that's not what we're here to do today. We're here to talk to Bill Eddy, who has written a number of books. He's got a degree in psychology, he's got degrees in law, and I'm not going to go and give all that away, because I'd rather he do it. But we also get to be excited by the fact that he has a new book, and we'll talk about it a bunch. It's called our new world of adult bullies. Um, that's what I say about my cat all the time, because she does run the house and, you know, and we can mention that name, Bill, it's stitch. Now, she's a great kitty, but she she does have her mindset on what she wants, so she's trained us well. Well, welcome to unstoppable mindset. Bill, how are you?   Bill Eddy ** 02:57 I'm good, and thanks so much for having me on. Michael, glad to be with you.   Michael Hingson ** 03:01 Well, we're glad you're here and looking forward to it. Why don't we start, as I love to do so often, why don't you tell us about kind of the early build, growing up, or any of those kinds of things to lead us into where we go?   Bill Eddy ** 03:14 Well, I was one of four kids, and as I mentioned in the introduction of the book in third grade, I had my own personal bully. He decided I was the guy he wanted to pick on and fight. And I think he figured that out because my parents didn't allow us kids to fight, so we weren't allowed to fight back. And you know, my parents said, you know, if takes two to make a fight, so if a fight starting, just walk away. And I said, what if the other person won't let you walk away? So we'll find a way to walk away. So for most of third grade, he harassed me and would catch me after school and hit me and kick me in the the foot of the stairway. We had a basement classroom, and there was a stairway out from there so no one could see and it wasn't easy to get away from but mostly I figured out how to avoid him, and also how to how to help the older kids with their homework, so they'd be more of a protector for me. So that's early childhood, but I think it influenced my my choice as an adult, you know, a psychology major, and then I got a master's in social work to do child and family counseling. Did that 12 years, but I liked resolving conflicts, and decided to go to law school and all of that primarily so I could practice mediation to help people solve conflicts. But many of the conflicts I've dealt with had bullies in them, so I started studying these personalities, and that kind of brings me up to today.   Michael Hingson ** 04:58 Wow. Well, you have certainly written, also a number of books. I was reading your list of books, and you have one on divorce, and clearly there are bullies there, and a lot of places, I'm sure, and you have just a number of books, and I can see where the whole concept of having bullies can be in all of those and at the same time, most of us haven't learned how to deal with bullies. We haven't learned how to address the issue of avoidance, which is what you talked about, but it makes perfect sense. I don't particularly like bullies. I've not been bullied a lot, I think I was a couple of times in grammar school, and a kid hit me a couple of times, and I can only assume that it was sort of a bullish oriented thing, but I don't really recall that anything ever happened other than that. It only happened like once or twice, and then I was left alone. But still, there is so much of it, and there's been bullying to a degree for well, as long as we've had people, I guess, right, and this whole idea of avoiding it is obviously what we need to do, although I guess the other part about it that comes to mind is, how do you get the bully to change their mindset and recognize that that's not the best productive use of their time? Well,   Bill Eddy ** 06:30 what's interesting is childhood bullies mostly do figure that out. And I'd say probably 90% of childhood bullies don't become adult bullies that, you know, somebody punches them in the nose, or nobody wants to be their friend, or they get in trouble at home or at school, and they learn that that doesn't work, but maybe 10% get away with it. Maybe they're encouraged, you know, maybe their parents laugh when they bully other people, and that's that's the ones that become the adult bullies. But what I find, and the Institute I work with, high conflict Institute, we do a lot of training, a lot of coaching, and we we teach people like for workplace coaching to to try to give bullies some conflict resolution skills so that they won't be bullies, so they can solve problems others other ways, and we find maybe half of the bullies can improve their behavior enough to keep the job, and About half quit or are told they need to leave. So I'd say about half of bullies can learn to stop that behavior or rein it in, and about half can't. That's just a real rough estimate from my personal observation.   Michael Hingson ** 07:55 The ones that can't or don't, is it that they get so much satisfaction from bullying and they get away with it that just they just don't see the value of it. Or is it different than that? Well, I   Bill Eddy ** 08:08 think it's not as logical as that. I think it has a lot to do with personality patterns, and the ones that are adult bullies usually have personality patterns that border on personality disorders, especially the Cluster B personality disorders, which are narcissistic, anti social, borderline and histrionic. So it's part of who they are. They're not really even thinking about it. This is just how they operate in the world. And so if they're not stopped, they just automatically do this. If they are stopped or told they're going to lose their job, maybe half of them can rein in their behavior, and maybe the other calf can't, even if they want to, they just can't stop themselves. But mostly it's more or less automatic. Is what I see. They really lack self reflection, and therefore, generally don't change. And one of the definitions of personality disorders is an enduring pattern of behavior, so it's not, not likely to change because they had an insight. Because if they were going to have an insight like that, they would have had it before they became adults.   Michael Hingson ** 09:29 Yeah, and it, and it just doesn't seem to happen. And it is, it is so unfortunate that we even have to talk about this kind of a subject. But it's also very important that we understand it, because I think those of us who aren't bullied or who aren't bullies, still need to understand it's like anything else, still need to understand it in order to learn how to deal with it. I would think,   Bill Eddy ** 09:55 yeah, and I think part of why this. Is coming up now is traditionally in our society. And I know my whole lifetime, adult bullies were pretty much kept on the fringe, and so families said, Hey, you can't do that in our family and communities and schools and and workplaces said that. But what's interesting now is, I'd say, the last 20 years or so, is bullies are getting center stage because all of our media competition, especially the screens we have, are trying to show us the worst behavior so that we'll pay attention to them. So social media, cable 24/7, news, movies, TV shows are all showing bad behavior to grab our attention, but the result of this is that they're teaching bad behavior and tolerating it and giving permission to bullies to act out when they might have kind of restrained themselves in the past.   Michael Hingson ** 11:07 How do we get media, television and so on to change that? I've I've kind of felt that way for a while. I actually took a course in college, um, it was called Why police, which is a fascinating course. It was taught by not a deputy sheriff, but he was a volunteer deputy sheriff in Orange County. He was an engineering professor at UC Irvine, where I went to school, and he and he taught this course, and I made the observation once in class, that a lot of the negativity that we see really comes from what we experience on television. And he said, no, that's just not true, but it certainly is true. Well,   Bill Eddy ** 11:49 especially nowadays, especially nowadays, yeah, yeah. Maybe that wasn't true 30 years ago, but it seems very much true now. Yeah, and you mentioned a study in the beginning of, I think it's chapter two of the book that about it was a workplace study, and if I can quote it, I think this is helpful for this discussion. He says they said there's a 2021, workplace bullying Institute survey. So in the second year of the pandemic, he says 58% of the respondents on the survey agreed that quotes the display of bullying, disrespect and intolerance of the opinions of others by politicians and public figures affected workplaces because they encouraged aggression and granted permission to ignore the rules. And I think it's very direct that the media does impact family life, workplace community and online, for sure.   Michael Hingson ** 13:00 Yeah, yeah, I, I would agree. And, you know, today, and we're not going to talk about specific individuals, but at the same time today, I dare say, there are a number of people who step back and contemplate this whole concept of bullies and so on, who would agree that in the political world there? Well, there are a number, but there's one especially, who tends to be more of a bully. But I would say that there are a number of people in the political world who just want to force their own way, and tend to bully a lot.   Bill Eddy ** 13:34 And I totally agree with you. Even have a chapter on what I call the high emotion media, because it's the emotions, the disrespect, the insulting statements, the personal attacks, you know, I don't like the way you look, or I think you're crazy or you're an idiot, and that kind of message, and If you have that going back and forth between politicians. It's very exciting to watch, but it's not the way you want to live, like you wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that, no, and so. So the media image promotes that because it gets attention. It really grabs attention. And I would I would suggest that it's been over the last 30 years approximately, that politics has become more about entertainment than about government. And the values of entertainment are extreme behavior and disrespect and fighting and chaos and crisis and fear, whereas government is when it's running well is boring, is focused on details, focused on people getting along, having their share of responsibility, all of that kind of stuff. So we've turned the. Values of politics upside down, and we think now that's the way. That's what politics is. And it's unfortunate, because government will unravel if we use the entertainment values to govern the country. Of course,   Michael Hingson ** 15:16 there are a number of people, especially in the media, who would say, but all of this sells, newspapers, all of this sells, and that's why we do it. I I submit that that's not necessarily so. But how do you show people that? Yeah, this sells, but don't you think there are other kinds of things that would sell even more   Bill Eddy ** 15:42 well, it's tricky, but one of my goals in writing the book is to teach people self help skills, to monitor their absorption of high emotion media and to be able to set limits on it. Like I don't like to get more than half an hour of news from a screen. I like reading the papers and reading different points of view. And if you watch more than half an hour and you get this coming in your ears and your eyes and all of that, it just takes over your thinking. And actually, the more repetition there is, the more things feel true that are clearly not true, but the way our brains work, repetition tells us what's really true and what's really important. And TV, even radio, can bombard us with false information that starts to feel true because we get so much of it.   Michael Hingson ** 16:40 Yeah, it's it is someone, yes, I hear you, and it's so unfortunate that more people don't tend to be analytical, reflecting introspective. You know, we talked earlier about the book that I'm writing, live like a guide dog, that will be published in August of this year. And one of the things that I point out in the book, for people who want to start to learn to control fear, rather than letting it, as I say, blind you or overwhelm you, or whatever word you want to use, is you need to become more introspective and look at well, why am I afraid of this? Why am I reacting to this? How do I deal with it? And it doesn't take a lot of time every day to do it, but if you do it for a little bit of time every day, the Mind Muscle develops, and you get beyond a lot of that.   Bill Eddy ** 17:34 I think that's a very important point, as we can train ourselves to what to pay attention to, what to ignore, and we can train our self talk like you're saying. That's excellent,   Michael Hingson ** 17:46 yeah, and I think it's it's all about analyzing ourselves. And something that I learned, and I've talked about it a few times on this podcast, one of the things that I did when I was a program director at the campus radio station at UC Irvine, Zot, K, U, C, I was that I would ask people to listen to their shows. So when I was the program director, we would actually record people talking, and I insisted that they take the cassettes home. Remember cassettes? Boy, is that a long time ago,   Bill Eddy ** 18:19 two, wow, back aways, yeah, even   Michael Hingson ** 18:23 pre eight track, but take the cassettes home. Listen to them, because it's something that I did and and as I grew older and became a public speaker, after September 11, I recorded my talk so that I could listen to them. And I said, I do that because I'm my own worst critic. I'm going to be more hard on me than anyone will. And it took until even after the pandemic started, that I finally learned wrong way to look at it. I'm not my own worst critic. I'm my own best teacher. By analyzing and thinking about it and recognizing that I'm my own best teacher, because no one can really teach me anything. They can present me with the information, but I have to teach myself to learn it. So I realize that, and I'm my own best teacher, and I think that works out really well, and it's a lot more positive anyway,   Bill Eddy ** 19:18 right? Great. And that's that's that promotes lifelong learning. I just reading an article about how a lot of people, you know, after a certain amount of time, they feel okay. I got my career, I've done my skills, and now I'm going to kick back. But Lifetime Learning is where it's at. I think it's exciting. It   Michael Hingson ** 19:39 is. I consider life an adventure. I consider the internet a treasure trove of information. And yeah, there's a dark web and and all that. And now, of course, we have AI, and some people want to be negative about that, but if we use it right, and if we develop our own inner structure and. And recognize the value and how to use it. It is, and all of those are characteristics and features that can do nothing but help us.   Bill Eddy ** 20:10 Yeah, they're tools. I like the idea of tools, not rules, so we'll see what we can do with them. But as long as humans are in charge, I think we may be okay. Well,   Michael Hingson ** 20:25 I hope so. Um, Mark Twain once said, I wonder if God had been a man because he was disappointed in the monkeys. But who knows.   Bill Eddy ** 20:35 He wasn't. He was a brilliant guy. He was   Michael Hingson ** 20:39 one of my two favorite people, Mark Twain and Will Rogers, boy. They were very clever. And analysts, you had it figured out. They did, if only we would listen. Well, why did you write the book?   Bill Eddy ** 20:53 Well, I wrote it. I started writing it. The end of 2020, when the pandemic was going strong, and a lot of people, and we were all kind of holed up at home. I had more time to think, because I couldn't travel and teach and do the work I do. But I also, you know, on TV, there was, you know, the the arguments in bullying, frankly, about masks, about vaccines, about the George Floyd murder, about protests against the George Floyd murder, that that it seemed like the country was kind of in a 5050, state of bullying each other, but it wasn't. The number of bullies is actually quite small, but they're getting a high profile, and I wanted to explain that bullies at all levels have the same patterns of behavior, and few people have eye into the workings of families like I've had as a family therapist, as a family mediator and as a Family Lawyer, and few people have had, you know, awareness of workplace bullying like I have training human resources and employee assistance personnel. Likewise, neighbor disputes, because I'd be consulting on a lot of neighbor disputes, and certainly online disputes. So bullying seemed to be happening in all these different places, but most people didn't realize the extent of it, because people kept it private. And I was like, Well, I can see it's the same patterns. And then, you know, Putin invades Ukraine, and I'm going, this guy is like a domestic violence perpetrator. He has the same lack of self awareness and the same blaming personality and so I included on up to politicians and international relations to show I can tell you what the patterns are to look for. So look out for bullies. Don't let them into your life. Spot them and stop them. And I wanted, I wanted the book to really open people's eyes, so to speak to what's going on in the world today that they really haven't been aware of by and large,   Michael Hingson ** 23:13 right? What makes us, especially as adults, susceptible to being bullied?   Bill Eddy ** 23:23 Well, we're not prepared for them, and that's a lot of what I hope to do with the book is help people be prepared so they don't overreact or under react. But I'd say most people are just kind of shocked. Suddenly there's a bully in the office and they're yelling at somebody, and it's like, oh my goodness, I'm, I'm I'm freezing because, you know, I don't know what to do. They're yelling at somebody else, thank goodness, but I'm scared too, or they're yelling at me, and I freeze because I don't know what to do. So I think what happens is people are just really unprepared. On the other hand, most people are nice people. Let's say 80% of people are nice people. They don't like to interrupt people, even when they're masking saying nasty comments. They don't like to just walk away from a conversation, even if the conversation is really hurtful and abusive, and so people aren't used to being assertive against a bully, because they're used to everybody being reasonable, and so that's why they catch us by surprise and And we're not ready for them.   Michael Hingson ** 24:39 I subscribe to a service out here called next door, which is also in San Diego, and it's a way to really keep up with what's going on in the community. And I've seen a number of posts where something happened and people suddenly say. I'm surprised that never happens in this area, and that just isn't true anymore,   Bill Eddy ** 25:08 right, anywhere, anywhere,   Michael Hingson ** 25:13 and it's so unfortunate that we don't learn to look out for all of this. I think, yeah, go   Bill Eddy ** 25:23 ahead. I just gonna say, I think that's that's what has to change, is we do have to be aware, not paranoid about it around every corner, but aware that this is going to come your way. I like to say, I think everyone's going to have a bully in their life sooner rather than later, but if you're prepared and you manage it well, they're not going to get very deep into your life and will probably move on. So I do think that's coming. Sorry. I interrupted. No,   Michael Hingson ** 25:54 no, no, no, no, you did No, you were right. Tell me what are some of the warning signs that you're dealing with a bully?   Bill Eddy ** 26:00 Well, first of all that the person goes beyond the normal social boundaries and keep going like they don't stop themselves. So an unrestrained pattern of behavior. When you start thinking to yourself, Well, I'm sure he'll come to his senses soon, or I'm sure she'll realize how destructive she's being. The problem is the answer that is not necessarily, probably not. Another way that's really quite simple is when a bully starts, when a person starts criticizing your intelligence, your morals, your sanity, your appearance, your existence. When they make it personal is a real sign they've crossed the line, and now you're dealing with a bully. Because bullies make it personal. They want a one down relationship. They want you to they want to dominate you. And so that's one of the easiest ways to recognize, is the way they talk to you, talking down to you like that. And they may say that you're you're being obnoxious and you have a problem. And they might even say, Stop bullying me. Stop bullying me, Bill, and I'm not bullying them. I'm saying they need to stop what they're doing with me, and they'll say, You're the bully. So playing the victim is another way projecting what they're doing onto the other person, like, stop bullying me. Bill, I'm not bullying you. I'm setting limits on your bullying of me. Well, I would never bully you, Bill. And then they keep projecting what they're doing onto me, and they may point to other people around us and say, See how Bill's treating me, you know, and they play the victim. And next thing you know, the whole people around think that I'm being a bad guy, and they get away with it that way because they're really good at projection and good at playing the victim. So these are some of the patterns. How do   Michael Hingson ** 28:10 you deal with that, though? Well, you   Bill Eddy ** 28:14 first of all need to be taken assertive approach, so don't become aggressive and start yelling at them. No, you really are bullying me. You're a real jerk. Instead, you say that's not true. And if other people are around, you say, just, everybody know it's not true. I'm trying to set limits on his behavior towards me, because he's really harassing me. And so explain what's happening. Be assertive, so you stick up for yourself, but don't be aggressive, because now it looks like you are being the bully. And some some people asked me on one of the interviews I had, the guy said, at what point do you punch the bully in the nose? And I said, Well, you're going to have that thought, but don't act on it, because when you do that, now you look like the bully. So you don't want to be aggressive, but you don't want to be passive and let them just pick on you and run you into the ground. You want to say, Hey, that's not okay, or I'm going to end this conversation. So you assert yourself to protect yourself without trying to harm the other person, and that's what assertive is. So I really recommend the assertive approach.   Michael Hingson ** 29:33 And again, it gets back to you have to learn to understand and assess yourself and develop the tools that will allow you to do that   Bill Eddy ** 29:46 exactly and and strengthen yourself where you're not experienced or not skilled, and learn the skills to protect yourself. I think it's you know, all of us. Most of us grew up maintaining ourselves, not being too extreme, and yet sticking up for ourselves and being self managed. But bullies aren't self managed, so we're going to have to manage them for them. And so that's the new age we're in. The new world we're in is we need skills to manage bullies, and we can develop those, and that's part of what I talk about at the end of the book. The last chapter is a lot of skills that people can learn to manage bullies and protect themselves.   Michael Hingson ** 30:38 Well, how did you you've talked about a little bit, but I'd love to to learn a little bit more about how did you really end up deciding that this was a calling that you had to deal with and that you've devoted so much time to? I think it really   Bill Eddy ** 30:54 got started as a as a workplace endeavor when I went from being a therapist to being a lawyer, so I wanted to do mediation and conflict resolution, and went to law school, and when I started practicing law after 12 years as a therapist, including in psychiatric hospitals, I started seeing the same behavior in family court. You know there be mom and dad are fighting over custody of their child, and the judge is listening to their arguments and looking frustrated. And I'm going, Well, the problem here is one of the parents probably has a personality disorder, and so they're not really being that sensitive to the child and and the other parent seems to be pretty reasonable, but you don't know, sometimes people that look reasonable might be like anti social under the surface. And so I started noticing and paying attention to these behavior patterns and how they showed up as high conflict families, and that's the term that the courts were using high conflict families. So I started saying, You shouldn't talk about high conflict families. Should talk about high conflict personalities, because not everybody in the family necessarily has that. Maybe it's Mom, maybe it's dad, like, say, a domestic violence case, dad might have a borderline personality or an anti social personality, and that's driving his violent behavior, and yet he's conning the court by saying, look at her, she's a mess, and everything I'm doing is just fine. I'm the reasonable person here, but they're not behind the scenes, and so there'd be these patterns of behavior, and I said, courts got to figure this stuff out, otherwise you're punishing the victim of a domestic violence perpetrator unfairly and unhelpfully, and you're teaching the child that this behavior is acceptable. So I had all this information that I knew from having been, you know, a therapist, a licensed clinical social worker, and I found myself applying it to family court cases, and wanting to educate other lawyers, judges, mediators and therapists about these dynamics in family court. And that's when I started writing about high conflict personalities and eventually talking more about bullies who are the most high conflict personalities. So that's kind of how that evolved. That was 1993 is when I became I started practicing family law after 12 years as a therapist. And so that's when this stuff really opened my eyes, to wait a minute, people don't realize what they're dealing with, and they're not going to solve this with a child support order. They're going to have to, you know, get somebody some treatment or understand that there's these personalities driving behavior, rather than legal issues   Michael Hingson ** 34:20 you have developed, I think, or have begun creating, something called the new ways for families. Method, Yes, uh huh. Tell me about that. I read that in your bio, and that sounded pretty fascinating, yeah,   Bill Eddy ** 34:35 and I'm pretty proud of it. So we started high conflict Institute in 2008 myself and a colleague, Megan Hunter, and we wanted to educate family law professionals, but we also wanted to help parents in high conflict, divorces and custody disputes. And so I developed a counseling method. A specific to divorcing parents with disputes over their children. And I, I was speaking at a conference of judges, and they said, What kind of counseling order should we make for these high conflict families to get them out of court and settling down, and they said, Well, you can't do the traditional counseling where you say talk about your feelings, because people with high conflict personalities will talk about their feelings forever without changing anything. So you want them to learn new ways of doing things. And so we decided we're going to call the method new ways for families and six counseling sessions focused on learning four big skills, flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behavior and checking yourself rather than being busy checking everybody else. And so we we got that the judges to start ordering that, and we said, order both parents to learn these skills so you don't picking a bad guy. It's going to help both parents, whoever's you know, maybe it's a domestic violence case, they get domestic violence treatment, but also learn these skills so they can work together. Cases where a child resists being with the other parent because of one parent bad mathing the other parent interfering, what they call alienation, or parental alienation. So all of these could be benefited by this counseling approach. Short term, six individual sessions, three parent child sessions for each parent, and we started seeing cases stay out of court that used to keep coming back. We saw people calming down. The judges really liked that. We created an online class to teach those same skills in 12 sessions. Then we developed coaching, three coaching sessions with the online class to make to give a chance to practice, but keep the cost down, because just three sessions, and so that's that's been evolving since 2009 so for the last 15 years, and we estimate about eight or 9000 parents have gone through learning these skills, some better than others, but enough that the judges think they're worthwhile, and they keep ordering this. But this is it depends on where there's trained counselors or coaches to get the more intensive approach. But the online class is available anywhere worldwide, so judges sometimes just order that from, you know, maybe they're in Utah or something. And there's no counselors that we've trained there yet. They can always order the online class. And I think they actually are, because I spoke in Utah a month ago about this. So that's that's the method, and I feel pretty proud of it. Well,   Michael Hingson ** 38:18 it it's understandable, and I can appreciate why you're why you're excited about doing it, and that it's that it's clearly working. What are some really good examples of how successful the whole method and the whole process has been? You have some good stories about it.   Bill Eddy ** 38:40 Yeah. So one of my favorite examples, it's a case where a 15 year old girl refused to see her father after the divorce, and it seemed like a case where mom had been saying enough negative things, the girl absorbed that and then said, I don't want to see dad, and mom tolerated that, but of course, dad didn't. So took mom to court and told the judge, Mom's doing something to make the girl not come. So rather than deciding that mom's all bad, the judge said, well, then I want to order new ways for families, and that's six individual counseling sessions and three parent child sessions, so judge orders that and each of the parents goes through six counseling sessions with a workbook, so it focuses them on learning particular skills, to manage their emotions, To keep their thinking flexible, to moderate their behavior, like we teach them how to write emails so that they're reasonable instead of escalating conflict. And so they both went through that individual then it's time for the parent child sessions, and since Mom was the favorite parent. Parent, we had the parent child counselor meet with mom and the child first, and Mom taught the girl about flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behavior and checking yourself, and then prepared the girl with the counselor for the next week when she's going to meet with dad and so who she hasn't seen for a year and says she hates him, but there's no real, clear reason for that, and that's why it might be alienation. It might be the bad mouthing that got absorbed by the girl. So the next week, mom brings the girl to the counseling center, and girl agrees to go in and meets dad and the counselor and sits down, and the girl tells dad that he's a horrible person. He's ruined her life. He's done everything wrong and just this whole list of awfuls. And because he's been through the counseling method, he listens quietly and attentively, and then he says, Thank you. And she says, What do you mean? Thank you. I just said, you're a terrible person. And he says, I said, Thank you. Because I'm glad that we're talking. I think this is good. This is good for us to be talking. Is there more that you want to tell me, and I guess there was some more. And then basically they reconciled and agreed that they would have dinner together once a week. Now it wasn't a 5050, parenting plan like he would have preferred, but, and I don't know where it went from there, but he did have regular dinners with her, and they communicated. So it reconnected their relationship, and so it gave a structure for that to happen in, and that's what new ways for families does not every case where someone a child resists a parent has worked with new ways for families that, you know, one parent has found a way to sabotage it and block it, but by and large, we've had, had some, some good success with moderate cases like that.   Michael Hingson ** 42:16 Yeah, well, one of the questions that comes to mind, as you've talked about, excuse me, high conflict personalities. Is that something that can actually be fixed? Can people get over having to always be in conflict like that? It   Bill Eddy ** 42:36 really depends, I think, a lot, on which of the personalities. So I think I mentioned Cluster B personality disorders, borderline, narcissistic, anti social, histrionic. So borderline personality disorder, people are hearing more about that, where they have wide mood swings, sudden, intense anger, fear of abandonment, all of that. And this used to be thought of as primarily women, but it's now seen as probably about half and half. And men who are physically abusive often have this personality style, and they strike out because they're afraid they're losing their partner, which of course, makes their partner want to leave a little bit more, but that's one of the more treatable personalities. And there's a method called DBT dialectical behavior therapy, which is having some good success at treating people with borderline personality disorder. So there's that at the other extreme is anti social personality disorder, which is the hardest one to treat, and I don't know of a consistently successful method that treats and that's like maybe 40% of prisoners have that personality, they get out of prison and they commit another crime, been back back in prison, they have a pattern of behavior, which is what a personality disorder is, is it's a stuck pattern of behavior, just enduring and repeating and all of that. So I would say people with that personality is extremely unlikely they're going to change. But people with borderline, there is hope for and many people outgrow the diagnosis after going through DBT. So that's the most hopeful and the least hopeful range. Narcissists and histrionics are somewhere in the middle of that? Yeah,   Michael Hingson ** 44:44 well, something that comes to mind, I kind of think I know the answer, but it's still a question worth asking. Colleges and universities are made up of lots of people who are studying supposed to be pretty intelligent and so on, but we have bullies there. Why? You.   Bill Eddy ** 44:59 I think because we have them everywhere. So if, say 10% five to 10% of people are bullies, I think you're going to see them in colleges. Has nothing to do with intelligence. They may be brilliant bullies and very not smart bullies. So the whole range of severity exists. I think that college and other organizations like so, higher education, health care, churches, synagogues, mosques, that these are welcoming communities. These are helping communities. And so bullies get away with more in these kinds of communities because everybody's trying to be nice and bending over backwards to give them another chance. And so not to say they shouldn't get another chance, but they shouldn't get another chance and another chance and another chance and another chance. That's the thing I preach against. You give somebody a chance. If it the same problem comes up twice, what is it? Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me. I got to do something if it's happening again, because that means it's a pattern, and especially if there was consequences for the first time and they still did it again, that's a sign this may be behavior that's going to be resistant to change   Michael Hingson ** 46:37 well, and that makes perfect sense. It's kind of where I thought you'd probably go with it, but it does make perfect sense. And there, as you've said, there are bullies everywhere. And the reality is we're, we're going to find that there are just some people who are going to be bullies.   Bill Eddy ** 46:58 I think that's the answer that it's kind of sad to come to that conclusion, but it's also enlightening, because then, you know, you can't just change them. This pattern is so stuck, so persistent, they have to have a different approach. You can't talk them out of it. Yeah,   Michael Hingson ** 47:20 and there's something to be said for love, but at the same time, you need to learn to control you and your situations. And   Bill Eddy ** 47:31 yeah, it's kind of the tough love concept.   Michael Hingson ** 47:37 What do you do if your supervisor is a bully? We talked a little bit about bullies in the office and so on. But what if it's your boss who is the bully?   Bill Eddy ** 47:46 I think that you know, to some extent, if you can be assertive and say, you know, boss, you just gave me three assignments that are all due on Friday, and realistically, I can only get one of them done. Which one is the priority that you kind of assert yourself without trying to dominate your boss or alienate your boss. So you say something like, you know, can you give me some guidance here with these three projects, I can only get one done. Maybe someone else could help with another. So speaking up, presenting options, and say, you know that's one possibility. Another is you could give me overtime, and I'm willing to stay late if there's overtime. What? Whatever you may be able to speak up to some extent. But what we get a lot of our consultations are people that it's way beyond that the boss is just really out to get them, maybe trying to push them out of the team. And so we talk about who else you can go to, and it may be HR, it may be another department head. One of the things I say is make sure you start talking to somebody, maybe a friend, family member, so you're not just stewing in the fact that you're being bullied because people's self esteem just really goes down if they don't feel safe to talk to anybody. You talk to somebody and they say, oh, yeah, that happened to me once. That's terrible. You know, you shouldn't have to go through that. Let's talk about what you can do well that helps people feel a whole lot better, that there isn't something about them that makes them be the target of a bully. A lot of people think, you know, what did I do to cause this? And you didn't do anything. Bullies pick on everybody, but they keep picking on the people that let them,   Michael Hingson ** 49:52 and that's the real key, isn't it? It's all about you let them do it. You don't find ways to deal with. The issue, and the result is they're going to continue to do it, because they can   Bill Eddy ** 50:04 Right exactly. And people get depressed. They get stomach aches, headaches, they can't sleep, they avoid coming into work, they get disciplined, they get in trouble themselves. And that's a lot of why I wrote the book to help people know, you know, no one deserves to be bullied. This is wrong. This shouldn't be happening to you. Now look at what your choices are, what your options are.   Michael Hingson ** 50:32 We have an ever increasing number of startup companies in in the world, and more entrepreneurs or starting their own companies and so on. And so why is it that a lot of startups have a high powered innovator, or someone at the top like that, who is a bully?   Bill Eddy ** 50:54 It seems to be that the personality of entrepreneurs that go getter startup includes a lot of the ingredients of personalities, of bullies. So first of all, believing that your ideas are superior, that no matter what other people think you should keep going, that you're smarter than all of them. Don't stop because the first two people said this was a dumb idea, and so they kind of have some insulation against that, that they're willing to persist, you know, I know this is a good idea, but they can also be aggressive. So they're out there approaching, you know, venture capitalists and and people to endorse them, people to do what they say, people to give them a lot of money so they have. They're skilled at presenting their ideas aggressively and probably an exaggerated belief in themselves. But that seems to work in the startup business, people are persuaded by charm and intelligence and go, Oh, this guy just seems really brilliant. Well, that's because he told you he's brilliant. He's actually a bully. And there are stories like that, like what we saw, and I talk about it in my book with Theranos, the blood draw sis and it really wasn't what it was made out to be. It was a brilliant idea, but they couldn't implement it, but they pretended that they could, and so they got lots of money, lots of respect, write ups in the big magazines. Elizabeth Holmes was seen as the next Steve Jobs. She lowered her voice. She was a con artist. She may have believed in her product, but she was willing to bend so many rules that she ended up going to prison. But entrepreneurs have that drive and that persuasion and persistence and aggressiveness, and that works with getting a startup going, but it often doesn't work with maintaining a company and an organization. And I spoke to investors for startups, mostly healthcare startups and and they said, we've got a lot of bullies here. What? What do we do? We gave them some tools and tips for how to manage, you know, soothe their ego by setting limits on them and and to spot them sooner and decide, can should we invest with this person, or are they over the top? So it's a it's a particular field where having having an almost bully personality is successful, but having a bully personality eventually blows up. So   Michael Hingson ** 53:57 since you mentioned him, just out of curiosity was Steve Jobs a bully.   Bill Eddy ** 54:01 I think he was, and I think he was successful because of his management team, because they did, in fact, learn how to set limits on him and rein in his worst behaviors. Because, like, There's one story, and I think I have it in the book, where he was going to fire a division of 200 people because the project wasn't coming along fast enough. And so he's like, I'm going to fire them. They're useless, they're idiots, they're terrible. And someone on the management team says, Hey, Steve, let's go for a walk. Let's go for a walk, because he liked to go for walks and talks. So they go for a walk, and an hour later, they come back, and he's not going to fire anybody. He's just going to give them some more specific instructions. And so he. His worst behaviors were restrained by his management team. And I think that's that's a work but at any given time, things were on the verge of blowing up. And he did get fired as the head of Apple right 1990s but they helped him enough, he was reigned in enough that he was successful in the 2000s hugely, six. I mean, I don't know if they're the biggest value company right now, but I think when he died, they were probably the most valuable company. So, yeah, this can happen. But the key is that he was restrained by his management team, and unrestrained bully is going to cause   Michael Hingson ** 55:49 damage. I wonder though, if, as he matured, if he did, I'm assuming that he did actually, if some of the bullying tendencies really did go away, and then he changed a little bit at least, of of how he functioned. I mean, clearly he was a strong personality, right? And clearly he was the innovator of so many products. And so I can see where personality might get in the way, because he wants it done now. He wants it done this way. But I wonder if over time, he became a little bit less of of a bully, and maybe it was just the management restraint, or maybe that was a part of it, but it's I think you're right. Probably was a little bit better as time went on. I think you're   Bill Eddy ** 56:38 right, because when he came back to Apple after he was fired and tried some other projects, I think that he learned to focus more and to be a little less disrespectful. And I remember I read his biography, I think of Walter Isaacson, and my conclusion was that he was definitely narcissistic, but I don't think he had a narcissistic personality disorder, which is an enduring pattern of self defeating behavior. I think he had traits and that he learned to manage those traits primarily because his management team, people around him taught him he needs to restrain those so he's an example of where you can have someone with a bullying personality and rein them in and have them be quite successful. So I think that's what happened there,   Michael Hingson ** 57:39 and he would see that, in fact, it worked to change how you're operating a little bit. And maybe it was, maybe it was always underneath. But at the same time, he learned that, hey, working the way I've been isn't really as effective as what I'm seeing happen when I operate this way. Yeah,   Bill Eddy ** 58:01 what's interesting about him is he was particularly collaborative. So he liked working with other people. He liked he liked people with pushback, people that would disagree, present another point of view. So they could, they could go back and forth, although if other people had a really brilliant idea, he started thinking it was his idea. Yeah, but he he really had had an ability to work with other people that a lot of bullies don't have. And I think that may be why you're quite right, that he did mature some he did restrain himself a little more and became able to be brilliant. Imagine how many other brilliant people might really contribute if they had that balance of a really good management team to rein them in, but some of our most narcissistic individuals don't pay attention and often ruin, ruin their own creations. I think of like Enron, as our company that was brilliant, but probably had two people with personality disorders on top, one anti social and one narcissistic, and they reinforced each other's bad traits. And I think that's why that went off the rails. Yeah,   Michael Hingson ** 59:29 well, and the, the other thing that comes to mind is, then you have another very successful person, Bill Gates, yeah, and I don't, I don't know. Do you think that he was a bully?   Bill Eddy ** 59:43 I think that he certainly engaged in bullying behavior when he was the head of Microsoft. And I remember hearing about, I don't know if it was a recording or a transcript in a book, but he was at a meeting, and he was just very distant. Painful to the thinking of other people in the meeting, like, like, almost ready to, like, drive them out of the room. And you know, what are you doing here? You're an idiot and stuff like that. And I must say, I read Paul Allen's book, which was idea, man, I think, is what it was called, and and he, he had enough examples in there that I think Bill Gates was also a bully. But I think that again, there was enough of a management team to keep him from destroying what he was building. And I must say, one of his most brilliant decisions was marrying Melinda French, and she turned him into a philanthropist. And he's donated, you know, billions of dollars, but he's also created things to help poor people. He's He's fought malaria, I think, and trying to get toilets where you don't have electricity, but you can have self managed toilets. And he's in, he's put energy into these projects. So I would say, somehow the edge, the bullying edge, was taken off, so he actually could work with other people and and have some empathy for them. So again, he might be someone who didn't have a personality disorder, but may have had some traits, but somehow the balance worked out, and the more people realize that you may have brilliant people around you, if you can rein them in enough, we may have a better society because of some of these difficult people.   Michael Hingson ** 1:01:53 Well, clearly, Bill Gates had a very strong personality and and that's fine, but I do agree, I don't think that he really was a bully as such, in the way that we view it, for a lot of people as we've been discussing it, it doesn't mean that he didn't ever have any bullying kinds of behavior, but overall, he was successful, and is successful. And as you said, marrying Melinda has certainly made a significant difference in his outlook, and he's doing such great work, and you can't argue with that.   Bill Eddy ** 1:02:28 Yeah, and the fact that he's now divorced from Belinda, and I think that might have been more her idea than his, he still seems to be continuing on with his uh, philanthropy and doing works to help health health care, especially for people in really poor countries. So I think, and she changed his personality maybe a teeny little bit, and   Michael Hingson ** 1:02:54 climate change and climate   Bill Eddy ** 1:02:56 change for sure. Yeah, he's a big picture guy. He's one of our most deepest thinkers in the big picture, and we need people like that. So my goal isn't to eliminate bullies, it's to restrain them enough so they don't harm other people, but ideally, contribute to society   Michael Hingson ** 1:03:19 and they can. And it's a process. Well, this has been fun. I want to thank you for being here and talking about all this is, How do other people deal with it when they see somebody being bullied?   Bill Eddy ** 1:03:34 Well, bystanders need to speak up more and be assertive as well, and that's part of the cover of my book. Is a bully fish chasing a little fish who's about to grab and eat but gets distracted by a whole school of little fish chasing behind him who look bigger than him. And that's the bystanders. And bystanders need to speak up and say, hey, that's enough, Joe, or hey, that's enough, Jane. Or cut it out. Leave her alone. That when people do that, bullies often stop because they think they're getting away with something, or they're not even thinking they're just automatically bullying somebody. And when that happens, they realize, uh oh, my public may not be happy with me, and I don't want to alienate my public so you can have an influence as a bystander, and are encouraged to be assertive and not intimidated. And the more bystanders support each other, that much easier it is to stop bullies.   Michael Hingson ** 1:04:43 Good advice and so cool. Well, again, I want to thank you for being here. This has been great. I hope all of you listening out there have found a lot of good tools that you can take away and use. Lot of good life lessons here by any standard you. I really so I really appreciate you taking the time to be with Bill and me today on unstoppable mindset. Love to get your thoughts, so please feel free to email me. Michael h i at accessibe, A, C, C, E, S, S, I, B, e.com, or go to our podcast page, www, dot Michael hingson.com/podcast, and Michael Hinkson is spelled M, I, C, H, A, E, L, H, I N, G, s, O, N, Michael hingson.com/podcast, and wherever you are, give us a five star rating. We love those ratings on the podcast. We appreciate that, and would greatly value you you doing that. And again, your thoughts and for all of you, including Bill, if you know of anyone else who ought to be a guest on unstoppable mindset, we'd love to hear from you. We don't really tend to discriminate and say, Oh, that's a bad idea just just saying bill, but so we'd love to really hear about more people you think ought to be, whoever you are on the podcast, and we will talk with them and make a plan to go forward with them. So don't ever hesitate to point out someone who you think ought to come on and again. Bill, I want to thank you one last time for being here. This has been a lot of fun, and we appreciate your time today. Well,   Bill Eddy ** 1:06:21 thanks so much, Michael. I've really enjoyed it too. We got into some stuff deeper than I have in some of my other interviews. So we really covered the covered the gamut. And I think, I think people will find that this is a topic that becomes more and more relevant every year. So thanks for getting the word out there   Michael Hingson ** 1:06:41 well, and I hope that people will buy your book and and all that too. Yeah, we have to get the book sales out there, right.   Bill Eddy ** 1:06:49 That's right. Thank you for that.   Michael Hingson ** 1:06:57 You have been listening to the Unstoppable Mindset podcast. Thanks for dropping by. I hope that you'll join us again next week, and in future weeks for upcoming episodes. To subscribe to our podcast and to learn about upcoming episodes, please visit www dot Michael hingson.com slash podcast. Michael Hingson is spelled m i c h a e l h i n g s o n. While you're on the site., please use the form there to recommend people who we ought to interview in upcoming editions of the show. And also, we ask you and urge you to invite your friends to join us in the future. If you know of any one or any organization needing a speaker for an event, please email me at speaker at Michael hingson.com. I appreciate it very much. To learn more about the concept of blinded by fear, please visit www dot Michael hingson.com forward slash blinded by fear and while you're there, feel free to pick up a copy of my free eBook entitled blinded by fear. The unstoppable mindset podcast is provided by access cast an initiative of accessiBe and is sponsored by accessiBe. Please visit www.accessibe.com . AccessiBe is spelled a c c e s s i b e. There you can learn all about how you can make your website inclusive for all persons with disabilities and how you can help make the internet fully inclusive by 2025. Thanks again for Listening. Please come back and visit us again next week.

In Our New World of ADULT BULLIES: How to Spot The, How to Stop Them, author Bill Eddy - lawyer, therapist, educator, and Co-Counder of High Conflict Institute - writes with authority that comes from 40+ years of working with bullies and other high conflict personality individuals. Bullies may always have been a feature of human society. Eddy suggests that between 5 and 10% of people have personalities that do not allow them to put the reins on the abusive behaviors of bullies. Rich with examples the Eddy tells us how to spot bullying behavior/s as well as techniques to contain, channel and stop the abuse that bullies visit on their victims.     Eddy's work - in his book and his conversation - avoids a simplistic understanding: bullies are bad. Rather he speaks about how bullying behavior can, when channeled, can push us to be better, push society into new frontiers that may not otherwise be accessible. Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the Co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute. He is the author of over 20 books and manuals about managing relationships and situations with high conflict people and bullies. He trains lawyers, judges, mediators, and therapists worldwide in managing high conflict situations. Now he is writing books for everyone including his latest: Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them - How to Stop Them.Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. While pioneering High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP), he was the National Conflict Resolution Center's Senior Family Mediator for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist for over 12 years.Bill serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 35 U.S. states and 13 countries.The author or co-author of over 20 books, manuals, and workbooks, he also has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with millions of views. He co-hosts the podcast, It's All Your Fault! with HCI co-founder, Megan Hunterhttps://highconflictinstitute.com/

When you think bullies, you may think about school aged children, but what happens when you are an adult dealing with adult bullies? This week Michelle Dempsey-Multack welcomes back Bill Eddy to discuss managing bullies as an adult. Bill Eddy is an expert in dealing with high-conflict individuals and is sure to leave you feeling empowered after this episode. Together Michelle and Bill will cover: Learning to talk about how you are feeling when being bullied Leading with empathy to understand the other person's behavior Reminding yourself that many bullies are unaware of what they are doing Setting limits and imposing consequences AND MUCH MORE Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years' experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com with over five million views. Check out his amazing books, here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Susan welcomes back the world's leading expert on managing high-conflict behaviors, Bill Eddy!  Bill shares insights from his newest book, Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them ― How to Stop Them. In this episode, Susan and Bill explore the different forms of bullying, the underlying causes, practical strategies for dealing with bullies, and the role of empathy and communication in resolving these challenging situations. Bullying is happening in almost every area of our lives - whether you have a friend or family member experiencing bullying or have witnessed it in the workplace, this conversation (and Bill's new book) is essential in helping you shut down these troubling behaviors. Featured topics and Golden Nuggets: Why is adult bullying so prevalent today? Some of the characteristics of bullying behavior Bill answers, “Are there different types of bullies?” “When you see polarization, look for a bully.”  Strategies to manage and protect yourself from adult bullies The real-world consequences of being an adult bull **************************************** About this week's special guest: Bill Eddy Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. While pioneering High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP), he was the National Conflict Resolution Center's Senior Family Mediator for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist for over 12 years. Bill serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 35 U.S. states and 13 countries.  The author or co-author of over 20 books, manuals, and workbooks, he also has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 6 million views. Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them ― How to Stop Them The High Conflict Institute  It's All Your Fault! Podcast **************************************** THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS:  HEADSPACE Hello, Divorce & Beyond family! We've teamed up with Headspace to guide you towards better mental health. With Headspace's meditation, mindfulness tools, and mental health support, you're set for a happier, healthier you. Sign up through our exclusive link for free two weeks of Headspace membership. Don't miss out on this opportunity to embrace well-being. ========================= HELLO DIVORCE Over one million people get divorced in the United States every year. However, divorce can be a complex and expensive process, especially if you have to hire a lawyer. That's where Hello Divorce comes in. Hello Divorce is an online divorce platform that makes it easy and affordable to get a divorce yourself. With Hello Divorce, you can complete the entire divorce process online, in your own home, and at your own pace. Hello Divorce offers a variety of features to help you get through your divorce, including: Easy-to-use online forms and guides A step-by-step walkthrough of the divorce process Access to experienced divorce professionals for help and support  And more! If you're considering getting a divorce, please check out Hello Divorce. It's the best way to get a divorce without breaking the bank. The founder of Hello Divorce, Erin Levine, is a friend of mine, and I admire her and what she has created with Hello Divorce so much – this platform is the change we need in the divorce industry.  You can hear Erin explain more in her episode on the podcast entitled “The FYI on DIY Divorce.”  Get more information, resources, and support at hellodivorce.com/beyond and receive $100 off your service with the code BEYOND!  Visit hellodivorce.com/beyond for $100 OFF! ********************************************************************* SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES ARE AVAILABLE!  https://divorcebeyond.com/Sponsorship-Info ******************************************************************* MEET OUR CREATOR AND HOST: SUSAN GUTHRIE®, ESQ., the creator and host of The Divorce and Beyond® Podcast, is nationally recognized as one of the top family law and divorce mediation attorneys in the country.  Susan is the Vice Chair of the American Bar Association Section of Dispute Resolution and is a sought-after keynote speaker, business and practice consultant, coach and trainer. You can find out more about Susan and her services here:  https://neon.page/susanguthrie Internationally renowned as one of the leading experts in online mediation, Susan created her Learn to Mediate Online® program and has trained more than 25,000 professionals in how to transition their practice online.  Susan recently partnered with legal and mediation legend, Forrest "Woody" Mosten to create the Mosten Guthrie Academy which provides gold-standard, fully online training for mediation and collaborative professionals at all stages of their careers.   Follow Susan Guthrie and THE DIVORCE AND BEYOND PODCAST on social media for updates and inside tips and information: Susan on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/susaneguthrie/ Susan on Instagram @susanguthrieesq ********************************************************************* We'd really appreciate it if you would give us a 5 Star Rating and tell us what you like about the show in a review - your feedback really matters to us!  You can get in touch with Susan at divorceandbeyondpod@gmail.com.  Don't forget to visit the webpage www.divorceandbeyondpod.com and sign up for the free NEWSLETTER to receive a special welcome video from Susan and more!! ********************************************************************* DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN LEGAL ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. ======================================  

Bill Eddy is an attorney, therapist, mediator, and the Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He develops methods to help resolve high conflict family, workplace, and legal disputes, including EAR Statements™, BIFF Response® emails, New Ways for Families® skills training methods for potentially high conflict parents in divorce and New Ways for Work™ coaching for potentially high conflict employees. He has trained lawyers, judges, mediators, and therapists in 38 states and 13 countries in managing high conflict personalities. He is the author of over 20 books and manuals for managing high conflict disputes. As a mediator, he was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center based in San Diego for 15 years. Previously, as a lawyer, he was a Certified Family Law Specialist in California for 15 years representing clients in family court. Prior to that, he provided psychotherapy for 12 years to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. His Psychology Today blog has received over 6 million views. Adult bullies seem to be everywhere in today's world — in families, businesses, communities, online, and even in politics and between nations. It's easy to dismiss bullies as jerks, hateful or evil, but only by understanding how their personalities work can people effectively intervene with adult bullying behavior. In Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them, How to Stop Them, Bill Eddy — therapist, lawyer, mediator and personality expert — explains how bullies manipulate others beneath their conscious awareness by using primitive emotional powers to immobilize victims with blame and shame or mobilize victims against the bully's other targets. 

Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. developed the high conflict personality theory to explain the driving forces behind people who present the most challenging behaviors. He is an expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict situations and 5 high conflict personality types, including a subset of those with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders. He has trained over 200,000 professionals in 10 countries on understanding and managing high-conflict disputes, including lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, law enforcement, therapists, and others. As an attorney, Bill was a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Before becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years of experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples, and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He serves on the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution faculty at the Pepperdine University School of Law. He is an Associate Professor at the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. In 2021, Bill received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Academy of Professional Family Mediators.Bill has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 3.5 million views and is the author and co-author of twenty books on high-conflict personalities, including two award winners (see all books here):A Quote From this Episode"About 10% of people have these extreme behaviors, and they don't stop themselves and they are dysfunctional."Resources Mentioned in This EpisodeBook: Calming Upset People with EARBook: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeBook: It's All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for EverythingBook: The Sociopath Next Door by StoutSeries - The StaircaseAbout The International Leadership Association (ILA)The ILA was created in 1999 to bring together professionals interested in studying, practicing, and teaching leadership. Plan for ILA's 25th Global Conference in Vancouver, British Columbia, October 12-15, 2023.About The Boler College of Business at John Carroll UniversityBoler offers four MBA programs – 1 Year Flexible, Hybrid, Online, and Professional. Each MBA track offers flexible timelines and various class structure options (online, in-person, hybrid, asynchronous). Boler's tech core and international study tour opportunities set these MBA programs apart. Rankings highlighted in the intro are taken from CEO Magazine.About  Scott J. AllenWebsiteMy Approach to HostingThe views of my guests do not constitute "truth." Nor do they reflect my personal views in some instances. However, they are views to consider, and I hope they help you clarify your perspective. Nothing can replace your reflection, research, and exploration of the topic.

High Conflict Personality Expert Bill Eddy joins Awakened Love today for a deep dive into understanding people with high conflict personalities, and protecting yourself when dealing with them. Angel and Bill explore the challenges of navigating toxic relationships, including the signs of personality disorders, the dynamics of high-conflict relationships, and the impact of gaslighting and other manipulative behaviors. Bill shares his insights on how to recognize and break free from toxic patterns, offering practical tips and strategies for healing and moving forward. Whether you're dealing with a difficult relationship yourself or seeking to support someone who is, this conversation offers valuable insights into the complexities of toxic relationships and the path to healing.   === TIMESTAMPS: 0:00 Intro 1:41 High Conflict Personalities 3:50 2 Questions to Ask yourself, to identify if you have a HCP 4:50 Overlaps with Personality Disorders 8:03 Uncovering Patterns in Behavior 9:43 Why People Rush into things 12:36 Seeing Your Partner's True Colors 15:28 How to Discern Someone's Intentions 19:27 Making an Exit Strategy 23:08 What Makes A Victim Susceptible 27:15 The Sales & Seduction Phase 28:30 How to Identify If Your Partner is High Conflict 37:17 When to Know If You Should Leave 39:26 Trauma Bonded Pairs & Naive Beliefs 48:07 Standing Up to a Bully Without Becoming a Target of Blame 53:33 Co-Parenting with a Partner Who Has NPD 57:03 Protecting Yourself Against False Allegations 1:02:34 Conclusion ===   Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.   Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with over 12 years of experience. Bill serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 35 U.S. states and 13 countries. He is the author or co-author of over 20 books, manuals, and workbooks. He is co-host of the podcast It's All Your Fault that he co-hosts with Megan Hunter, MBA, and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 6 million views.   ===   Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/angelikaalana/ https://www.instagram.com/awakenedlove/   My Website: https://www.angelikaalana.com/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Cast: Dr. Tara Egan, hostBill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. - guest expertCommunicating in high conflict situations can be extremely challenging, especially during divorce. This week Tara is so excited to welcome Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Tara has admired Bill for some time for all the great work he has done, and she is a major fan of his books (he is the author or co-author of over 20 books, manuals, and workbooks.)Bill Eddy is also the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with over 12 years of experience.He is here today to discuss communicating during high conflict situations, specifically divorce.Tune in to learn:- What is considered "high conflict”?- What are the defining characteristics of a high conflict divorce?- Examples of how to communicate with a high conflict person- The BIFF Method- BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts- And So Much More (including some great tips)Learn more about Bill Eddy, the High Conflict Institute and Conflict Playbook https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/abouthttps://www.conflictplaybook.com/Website - To learn more about Dr. Tara Egan's child & adolescent therapy services books, webinars, public speaking opportunities, and coaching/consultation services, Go HERE.Facebook - learn more HERE.YouTube - learn more HERE.Instagram - learn more HERE.Podcast edited by Christian Fox

This week on the show, I have the legendary Bill Eddy joining me. Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is the world's leading expert on methods for managing disputes involving people with high-conflict personalities. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners' association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists, and others. He has worked as the senior family mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center, a certified family law specialist representing clients in family court, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist. In 2021, he received the Lifetime Achievement award from the Academy of Professional Mediators. Bill serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law, and is a conjoint associate professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has delivered talks and training to lawyers, judges, and mediators in over 30 U.S. states and 13 countries, and has authored or co-authored 20 books. His popular blog on the Psychology Today website has more than 5 million views. He regularly consults on issues of alienation, family violence, and false allegations in family court cases. In addition, Bill is the developer of the New Ways for Families® method of managing potentially high-conflict families in and out of family court.  In this episode we talk about: What a high-conflict person is. The four characteristics of a high-conflict person. Why trying to change a high-conflict person doesn't work and what to do instead. The difference between high-conflict people and personality disorders. The characteristics of people with a personality disorder. What NOT to do when engaging with high-conflict people. Narcissistic personality disorders as one of the most common types of high-conflict personality. Some of the books he wrote relevant to single mums, in particular, are – 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (co-author Randi Kreger) BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email, and Social Media Meltdowns Don't Alienate the Kids!: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce Bill's New Ways for Families method to help manage high-conflict families in and out of family court.  Links mentioned in the episode:  You can connect with Bill on his Website, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter, or his YouTube channel. You can also check out his Podcast, It's All Your Fault HERE. Join the Thrive Tribe waitlist HERE.  Download the E-book – Thirteen single mothers share their struggles, top tips, and their favourite things about being a single mother – HERE. To contact Julia, email: julia@singlemothersurvivalguide.com. Visit us at Single Mother Survival Guide. And join the email list there too. Or connect with Single Mother Survival Guide on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Pinterest.

I am elated to have my latest guest on the Beyond Blending In Podcast, Shakur Collins, who was also one of the powerful women of color leaders in my Diverse Leadership Cohort with Realitychangers.  As a young African-American woman, Shakur Collins grew up feeling like she had to work extra hard, overachieve and people-please to be accepted in society. Upon graduating from high school, Shakur had a 4.67 GPA and was admitted into 14 universities. Within a matter of weeks, Shakur had lost most of her eyesight and was legally blind. In this podcast, Shakur opens up about her journey, the challenges, how she's overcome and dealt/dealing with the tribulations she faced and the healing process. Now, Shakur is an inspiring young professional, who uses her story and experience to make a difference in the community with her advocacy for people with disabilities, people of color and other people from marginalized groups. Shakur Collins is a young professional who is devoted to creating spaces of inclusion and belonging for individuals from marginalized backgrounds. Shakur received two Associate's degrees from Grossmont College. One degree being in Psychology and the other in Social and Behavioral Sciences. Most recently, she graduated from UC San Diego with a Bachelor's of Science in Psychology with a specialization in social psychology. Outside of her academic achievements, Shakur currently has three jobs in which all the roles are centered around facilitating the success of underserved and underrepresented individuals. She is a psychology tutor at Grossmont College, a trainer for the National Conflict Resolution Center, and a Career Navigator for Access Inc. Outside of academia and work, Shakur is also a competitive a cappella singer in the San Diego Chorus as well as a martial artist with a first degree green belt in Tekio Jutsu. Recently, Shakur has been admitted into the San Diego State University Master's in Education with a concentration in counseling program with certifications in trauma informed care and restorative justice. Shakur plans on continuing to support the San Diego community by furthering her education and eventually receiving her doctorate degree in education.Shakur is an emerging young professional who is equity-minded, organized, and team-oriented looking for opportunities to support individuals and communities from underserved backgrounds. She hopes to do this by building a career in higher education. Shakur is passionate about working with students of color, but this passion translates to her devotion to advocate on behalf of all students who possess various marginalized identities. Ultimately, Shakur is a person dedicated to working in initiatives which support diversity, inclusion, and belonging for all.Support the show

Want to know the perfect way to respond to a high conflict co-parent? Learn how to give a BIFF response to bring more harmony to your life! Plus, you'll hear other tips and strategies to deal with difficult texts, emails and social media posts. Guest Info: Bill has worked as the senior family mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center, a certified family law specialist representing clients in family court, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist. In 2021, he received the Lifetime Achievement award from the Academy of Professional Mediators.He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a conjoint associate professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has delivered talks and trainings in more than 30 U.S. states and ten countries and is the author or co-author of 20 books. His popular blog on the Psychology Today website has more than 5 million views.Links:High Conflict InstituteSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderBIFF for Co-Parent CommunicationNew Ways for FamiliesDon't Alienate The KidsPodcast Info:Peaceful Co-Parenting Podcast is hosted by Bianca Balogh: mother, co-parent, entrepreneur and former news anchor/reporter. Send Bianca a feedback message, ask a question, suggest a podcast topic or guest. She wants to hear from you! bianca@peacefulparentapp.comDownload Peaceful Co-Parenting Messenger as a tool for better communication with your co-parent here: www.peacefulparentapp.com. Stay Peaceful! Need more peace in your co-parent communication? Go to peacefulparentapp.com and start setting boundaries around the communication you have with your ex. Do you find that you're ever in need of someone to talk to like a counselor or therapist? How about legal advice? The Equal Shared Parenting Program exists to help parents be their healthiest holistic selves. It's a membership program that offers discounted and free services like behavioral health, free tax prep & advice, access to financial education and more! EqualSharedParentingBenefits.org

Introducing lawyer, CEO and President of Voices For Children Kelly Capen Douglas The mission of the organization Voices For Children and who they serve The foster care system and the challenges for the youth that is being served The Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) program Upcoming events being held with the organization. Kelly joined Voices for Children as President and CEO in October 2019. A native San Diegan, Kelly spent her earlier career working in San Diego's legal and nonprofit higher education communities. Kelly served as the General Counsel of the University of San Diego from 2005- 2019, where she oversaw all of the university's legal affairs and was the chief legal advisor to the Board of Trustees. Before joining USD, Kelly was a partner at Luce Forward Hamilton & Scripps LLP (now Dentons) where she represented organizations and facilitated the proactive management and resolution of a wide range of employment-related matters. Kelly received a law degree with high honors from the Duke University School of Law and a bachelor's degree in international relations from Stanford University. Kelly currently serves on the board of directors of the National Conflict Resolution Center and Goodwill Industries of San Diego County. While working at USD, she served on the board and in other leadership roles with the National Association of College and University Attorneys, the nation's largest bar association for higher education lawyers. VOICES FOR CHILDREN: Founded in 1980, Voices for Children (VFC) transforms the lives of abused, neglected, and abandoned children in foster care in San Diego and Riverside Counties by providing them with trained, volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASAs). CASA volunteers advocate for a foster child or sibling group in court, school, and in the community to ensure their needs are met. VFC believes that every child deserves a safe and permanent home and strives to provide a CASA volunteer to every child in the foster care system who needs one. Last year, VFC CASAs and staff served more than 2,500 foster children across San Diego and Riverside Counties. For more information, visit www.speakupnow.org. Brought to you by J.C. Cooley Foundation  "Equipping the Youth of Today for the Challenges of Tomorrow" : https://www.cooleyfoundation.org Support the show: http://www.cooleyfoundation.org/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In recent celebrity news, we're watching a high-conflict co-parenting relationship play out before our eyes through Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, making co-parents around the world shudder over knowing how difficult it can be to co-parent with someone who is constantly looking for a battle. We also know that one reasonable co-parent can make a positive difference in the lives of the children who are being co-parented by one high-conflict parent, but that doesn't make dealing with it any easier. High-conflict co-parenting can make life incredibly stressful and full of unnecessary tension, which in-turn, rubs off on the kids. "The key is realizing we have to take a different approach. The secret to managing a high-conflict personality is managing your own anxiety," Bill Eddy says on this episode of Moms Moving On, and on this third visit to our show, Bill shares the secrets and strategies for how to effectively co-parenting with a high-conflict ex, and shares the "4 forget about its," that you definitely need to hear! "As early as possible you want to learn how to separate dealing with your ex or ex-to-be from getting your needs met emotionally. Don't keep trying to get it from the person who can't give it to you." Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years' experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com with over five million views. For a list of of Bill's books, click here. We highly suggest The High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide, Splitting, Calming Upset People with EAR, and The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bill Eddy is returning to the Stay Young America Show today! He's the High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years' experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com with over five million views. Today we're talking about his book The 5 Types of People that will Ruin Your Life. 2:09 What inspired you to write the book The 5 Types of People that will Ruin Your Life? 4:12 Division in the country 5:10 What's the difference between high conflict (HC) and personality disorders? The I'm Superior, You're Nothing Type The Love You, Hate You Type The Cruel, Con Artist Type The Highly Suspicious Type The Dramatic, Accusatory Type https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/ Check out The 5 Types of People that will Ruin Your Life here. “Executive Medicine Moment” At Executive Medicine of Texas we understand that true health can only be found when you treat the patient as a whole. That's why our Executive Physical Exams are second to none in the amount of testing and information we gather prior to making a wellness plan for our patients. Learn more about how you can take charge of your health at http://www.EMTexas.com Website: www.StayYoungAmerica.com Twitter: @StayYoungPod Facebook: @Stay Young America! Join us next time as we always bring you information you can use.

Learn how to protect yourself while divorcing or co-parenting with someone that has a high conflict personality in this episode featuring Bill Eddy, an author, attorney, former therapist and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute. He discusses this important topic centered around the updated second edition of his most popular book: Splitting.  Guest Info: Bill has worked as the senior family mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center, a certified family law specialist representing clients in family court, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist. In 2021, he received the Lifetime Achievement award from the Academy of Professional Mediators.He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a conjoint associate professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has delivered talks and trainings in more than 30 U.S. states and ten countries and is the author or co-author of 20 books. His popular blog on the Psychology Today website has more than 5 million views.Links:High Conflict InstituteSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderBIFF for Co-Parent CommunicationNew Ways for FamiliesDon't Alienate The KidsPodcast Info:Peaceful Co-Parenting Podcast is hosted by Bianca Balogh: mother, co-parent, entrepreneur and former news anchor/reporter. Send Bianca a feedback message, ask a question, suggest a podcast topic or guest. She wants to hear from you! bianca@peacefulparentapp.comDownload Peaceful Co-Parenting Messenger as a tool for better communication with your co-parent here: www.peacefulparentapp.com. Stay Peaceful! Need more peace in your co-parent communication? Go to peacefulparentapp.com and start setting boundaries around the communication you have with your ex. Do you find that you're ever in need of someone to talk to like a counselor or therapist? How about legal advice? The Equal Shared Parenting Program exists to help parents be their healthiest holistic selves. It's a membership program that offers discounted and free services like behavioral health, free tax prep & advice, access to financial education and more! EqualSharedParentingBenefits.org

Our guest today is Bill Eddy, he walks us through the different situations you may face when you´re mediating with a narcissist. How do you negotiate with someone in good faith who lives to see you lose? That's what it's like negotiating with a Narcissist. Bill and Rich talk about the qualities of Narcissists and how to win while they win. Bill Eddy is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with twelve years of experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. He is the author or co-author of twenty books, including two award-winners, and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 4.0 million views. Read more about relationships on our blog. Follow us on social media: Facebook Instagram Pinterest

No one knows more about how to calm people in a crisis than Bill Eddy.  A psychologist and a lawyer, he has dedicated his life and career to dealing with people in high conflict situations and giving people real tools and easy to remember resources to use to be able to manage disputes in a way that makes their lives easier.  In this episode he talks about how to co-parent with narcissists, how to diffuse conversations in texts, emails, or in person.  Whether this is at work, a personal situation or wherever you're dealing with a high conflict personality, this is a must listen episode.   More About Bill Eddy:  Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years' experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com with over five million views. Grab Bill's book Calming People with EAR right here:   https://amzn.to/2UHE1nQ Grab Bill's book  BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails and Social Media Posts  https://amzn.to/3D6PaQu  Grab Bill's book The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying an Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths and Other High Conflict Personalities  https://amzn.to/3B9WZDm    THIS WEEK'S SPONSOR INFORMATION:   Soberlink is a comprehensive alcohol monitoring system. Combining a breathalyzer with wireless connectivity, Soberlink automatically documents proof of sobriety in real-time, which gives clients a sense of accomplishment while rebuilding trust with others. Features Adaptive Facial Recognition technology Technology to detect physical tampers Real-time text message reminders and Alerts Customizable scheduling Automated reporting options Get an exclusive $50 off your device by emailing info@soberlink.com and mentioning Negotiate Your Best Life Grab your free resource guide RIGHT HERE! ____________________________________________________________________ For more information on REBECCA ZUNG, ESQ. visit her website www.rebeccazung.com and follow her on Instagram: @rebeccazung and YouTube! GRAB YOUR FREE CRUSH MY NEGOTIATION PREP WORKSHEET RIGHT HERE!  SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL RIGHT HERE.  Grab a copy of Rebecca's book, Negotiate Like You M.A.T.T.E.R.: The Sure Fire Method to Step Up and Win (foreword written by Robert Shapiro).   It went straight to being a #1 bestseller the first day it was launched!  Find out what everyone is so excited about - get the book RIGHT HERE!  To get your copy of Rebecca's bestselling book, Breaking Free: A Step by Step Guide to Achieving Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Freedom, please visit the Amazon website to order it RIGHT HERE.   

Check out Rosalie's Keynotes at www.audacityspeakers.comOr invite her to speak - Events@AudacitySpeakers.com---INTRODUCTION TO EPISODE 42What makes communication so tricky in conflicted and diverse settings? Why do we get awkward or angry? Why do we get easily threatened and frustrated? What can we do about it? To answer these questions (and much more!), Rosalie Fisher joins Mike on this episode of Advance Podcast. Dr. Rosalie Fisher is a professor at Arizona State University and has done training and events worldwide, including several organizations and communities. Rosalie discusses how to connect art and engagement, communicating effectively amid diversity, and her work with the National Conflict Resolution Center. Tune in to learn the golden nuggets to effective communication from Rosalie Fisher!EPISODE 42 SUMMARY & HIGHLIGHTSHow do you connect art and social engagement?4:15I've taken my background in art and used it as a catalyst for stimulating more engagement, more community dialogue events, and studying the impact that dialogue has on human behavior, human perspectives, and their perception of others. I think something for me, what embodies the artistic experience, is how it differentiates itself from what we've gotten used to with the internet. The internet has had a lot of damaging consequences on us. You've heard probably everywhere about the echo chamber effect - that says when we have a certain perspective and we share it on the internet, it causes that same perspective to come back at us, whether it's in the form of the news we take in, or the communication, the groups and the forums we're a part of or the things we're reading. So we've gotten away from that ability to communicate face to face, communicate through differences, and despite disagreements, see that human aspect of communication that has been hidden behind the screen. Merging the artists' performances, films, and other things can bring people together in conversation - when they have different perspectives, have different lived experiences, and learn that communication does not have to equate to conflict or that differences do not have to equate to hostility. We're bringing humility back to communication.What led you to work with the National Conflict Resolution Center?8:57What are some key communication strategies we can have when we get into a conflict?13:08Can you talk a little about diversity training?For comprehensive SHOW NOTES visit connect.stepstoadvance.com----------FIND PAMELA & OTHER AUDACITY SPEAKERS ATwww.audacityspeakers.com▶️  WHY AUDACITY SPEAKERS? Because powerful speakers have one thing in common. It's not a particular style, but firm confidence that they have a message to share and value to provide. We call that audacity.  From a bestselling author to a TEDx speaker to the founder of a nonprofit that has matched over 22,000 volunteer hours with needs around the world, our speakers do have something to say—something that will impact your company or event for years to come—and the authority to say it.Even with incredible speakers, we are not just in the business of booking events; we build valuable relationships. We have been organizing, consulting, and speaking for over twenty years. And we bring this experience to engage your audience and add value to your event.Find Speakers with Something to Say - www.audacityspeakers.com----------To request Mike Acker or another speaker to address your group or facilitate a specific workshop, email: events@audacityspeakers.com

Navigating complex and tense conversations can easily result in emotional grenades being tossed across the room and little to nothing being resolved.  Today we speak to Bill Eddy, well known for his work in the high conflict area  about How to Effectively Communicate When Tensions Run High.   Bill talks to us about his latest book, “Calming Upset People with EAR” an acronym for Empathy, Attention and Respect. Bill's EAR tool is designed to help in HC conversations and with HC personalities.  While at first the thought of showing Empathy, Attention and Respect to someone who has caused you pain seems counterintuitive and perhaps counter productive, as you listen to Bill explain the power and impact of this simple approach to tense conversations, you will be tempted to give it a try!   Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years' experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com with over five million views.   Request a Free Jump Start Call at https://www.jbddivorcesupport.com/jumpstart   For more information on Journey Beyond Divorce visit:  www.jbddivorcesupport.com

Divorcing a narcissist may seem like an impossible, uphill battle, but thanks to high-conflict experts like Bill Eddy, LCSW & Esq., there are ways to to make the impossible much more possible. In this episode of Moms Moving On, we are joined again by Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute. We not only discuss how to divorce a narcissist, we also cover how to handle the divorce process with a narcissist, how to co-parent with a narcissist, and how to take your emotional power back, so that you can have a happily ever after without your narcissist ex-spouse meddling in your life. We also discuss his new book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how much value it can bring to the life of somebody trying to navigate the divorce process with a narcissist. Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a licensed clinical social worker therapist with twelve years' experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. He is the author or co-author of twenty books and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 4.0 million views. Randi Kreger has brought the concerns of family members who have a loved one with BPD to an international forefront through her website, www.bpdcentral.com, and the Welcome to Oz online support community. Through Eggshells Press, she offers family members a wide variety of more specialized booklets and other materials. She was also instrumental in the formation of the Personality Disorders Awareness Network (PDAN), a not-for-profit organization. Kreger is author of The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook and The Essential Family Member Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. She speaks and gives workshops about BPD internationall Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

0:56 About Bill: Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years' experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com with over five million views. 2:37 Who needs this? 2:55 Why this book? What was the inspiration  5:06 How's the EAR technique different from reflective or active listening?  7:02 Can these EAR statements be used on everyone?  8:58 Dr.Anderson have you used these techniques on upset patients? 10:22 The importance of empathy in today's world.  12:03 It needs to be sincere 14:43 Catching other people's emotions 17:00 Can you use humor with the EAR technique? 18:17 How can we calm ourselves using EAR techniques?  21:13 Gifting the book “Executive Medicine Moment” At Executive Medicine of Texas we understand that true health can only be found when you treat the patient as a whole. That's why our Executive Physical Exams are second to none in the amount of testing and information we gather prior to making a wellness plan for our patients. Learn more about how you can take charge of your health at http://www.EMTexas.com  Website: StayYoungAmerica.com  Twitter: @StayYoungPod  Facebook: @Stay Young Media, LLC      

Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. Utilizing a proven method for defusing antagonistic interactions, Eddy will discuss how to address a variety of potentially contentious situations involving angry customers, clients, and patients. Following the success of his previous books, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life and Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths, Eddy's latest title is sure to resonate with those seeking to manage high-conflict situations. Utilizing a proven method for defusing antagonistic interactions, Eddy shows readers how to address a variety of potentially contentious situations, including family conflicts, workplace disputes, neighbor and stranger confrontations, emotional political discussions, and circumstances involving angry customers, clients, and patients. Bill Eddy was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com, with over five million views. For more on Bill Eddy, visit www.highconflictinstitute.com.

Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. Utilizing a proven method for defusing antagonistic interactions, Eddy will discuss how to address a variety of potentially contentious situations involving angry customers, clients, and patients. Following the success of his previous books, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life and Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths, Eddy's latest title is sure to resonate with those seeking to manage high-conflict situations. Utilizing a proven method for defusing antagonistic interactions, Eddy shows readers how to address a variety of potentially contentious situations, including family conflicts, workplace disputes, neighbor and stranger confrontations, emotional political discussions, and circumstances involving angry customers, clients, and patients. Bill Eddy was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com, with over five million views. For more on Bill Eddy, visit www.highconflictinstitute.com.

Did you know that there is a proven method for defusing antagonistic interactions - or to put it simply, how to calm upset people? Today's special guest, clinical social worker and veteran mediator Bill Eddy, is here to explain to us what he shares in his upcoming book, Calming Upset People with E.A.R.: How Statements Showing Empathy, Attention, and Respect Can Quickly Diffuse a Conflict; how to address a variety of potentially contentious situations, including family conflicts, workplace disputes, neighbor and stranger confrontations, emotional political discussions, and circumstances involving angrey customers, clients and patients. Bill Eddy is a High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 Years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family cour for 15 year, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years experience. Bill has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on Psychology Today.com with over five million views.

Sometimes with a high-conflict ex-spouse, it feels like you just can't win. Like no matter how hard you try, you'll still be fighting forever. Like you could have just stayed married if you were still going to deal with this much drama. That's where Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. comes in. As the founder of the High Conflict Institute and with years of dealing with high-conflict individuals under his belt, there is no better resource for how to co-parent with your high-conflict ex-spouse. Personality disorders like narcissism and borderline personality disorder are what Bill knows best, so if your ex fits that category, you're in the right hands. Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is High Conflict Institute's co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and has become an expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years' experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a keynote speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. In addition to authoring over twenty books, he writes a popular blog on PsychologyToday.com with over five million views. Check out the amazing books we reference in this episode, here.

This week we sit down with Family Practice Lawer, entrepreneur and author Craig Candelore.  Craig has a long list of credentials and he's had an incredibly eventful life. We had the opportunity to take a dive into some of the things he does and that he's working on, but we definitely have to have him back to go more in depth with his upcoming projects.Mr. Candelore is the founding attorney at the Men's Legal Center, and he has been providing legal help to clients who have needed assistance in the area of family law for close to 30 years. Mr. Candelore earned his Bachelor's of Science degree from West Point before earning a Master's degree in System Management from the University of Southern California. Mr. Candelore earned his Juris Doctorate degree from the University of San Diego School of Law, where he graduated Cum Laude.Mr. Candelore is a Certified Family Law Specialist and a professional mediator trained by National Conflict Resolution Center, San Diego.Mr. Candelore served in the military, both active and reserves, ultimately earning the rank of Colonel from the United States Army. Mr. Candelore deployed on active duty overseas during Operation Desert Storm and Operation Iraqi Freedom. Some of his duty assignments included working as a Regional Senior Law Enforcement and Anti-Terrorist Officer, stateside during and after 9-11; and Iraqi Police Development Project Officer, in Iraq. Mr. Candelore also has served as a translator at the United Nations and enjoys writing books in his spare time.Thanks For watching this weeks podcast!Thank you to our sponsor Coach Kim Yeater. If you are feeling stuck and want to get unstuck, reach out to Coach Kim for a complimentary strategy session. It's okay to be stuck, but its not okay to stay stuck. Go to:Calendly.com/KimYeater and schedule today!

Ashley Virtue, Director of External Relations for the National Conflict Resolution Center (NCRC), is joined by Nene and Ekene Okolo, 2021 NCRC Local Peacemaker Honorees, to chat about the NCRC's mission and its 33rd Annual Peacemaker Awards, featuring Dr. Anthony Fauci, Chief Medical Advisor to President Joe Biden. The Okolo sisters discuss their honored Instagram account, "Black in PUSD," which encourages students and alumni to share their experiences with racism at school. Virtue shouts out other Peacemaker Award winners.

This week we are discussing how to communicate with a high-conflict co-parent. Joining me is my guest Bill Eddy. Bill is an attorney, therapist, mediator, author, and the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is a leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. Bill is also the author of BIFF™: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, and the just-released, BIFF For Coparent Communication. If you are in any kind of high-conflict situation, you need this book. Seriously.  During our conversation, Bill shares his expertise along with tips and techniques to help maneuver difficult co-parent texts, emails, and social media posts. Whether you are in a high-conflict co-parent situation or simply co-parenting with an ex, this episode is full of valuable information you can put to use immediately. Show Highlights High-conflict personalities and keeping high-conflict divorce out of the courtroom. How Bill developed the method of communication he uses in high-conflict situations. Why it is important to be brief when writing emails or written correspondence with a co-parent.  Why you should avoid labeling a co-parent as a blame speaker, high-conflict person, or as someone who has a personality disorder. Plus, what you can do instead.  Some techniques to help turn a high-conflict situation around or at least defuse one. The art of learning how and when to take a PAUSE. How to get information to a co-parent, in a friendly tone, and then end the conversation.  Learn More About Bill: Bill Eddy is an attorney, therapist, mediator, author, and the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is a leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He was the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years’ experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries and is the author or co-author of sixteen books (as of 2020) and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 4 million views. Resources & Links: High Conflict InstituteBill on Instagram High Conflict Institute on Facebook The Thrive Fund

Last spring, COVID-19 threw a monkey wrench in pretty much every aspect of life, including K-12 education. By the end of school last year, many agreed online classes weren't cutting it. Have things improved? Find out in this podcast episode, a follow-up to “Close-Up on Distance Learning,” a Community Conversation hosted by KPBS and the National Conflict Resolution Center. www.kpbs.org/sandiegoconversations

What a year, right? Just like everyone, KPBS has had to change how it's done some things since the pandemic started. One of these was to change its events series called "Community Conversations" from being in-person to virtual. We wanted to share some of these crucial conversations with you, and that's why we're bringing you this new podcast, "San Diego Conversations." Just like our live events, these are a collaboration with KPBS and the National Conflict Resolution Center. These will be conversations about issues central to our lives in the San Diego region. Things like the future of policing, the impact of distance learning on kids' and parents' lives. The crucial role of the census during a pandemic and more. You can subscribe to "San Diego Conversations" on your favorite podcast app, or by visiting https://www.kpbs.org/sandiegoconversations

In this episode of The Learn to Mediate Online Podcast, Host Susan Guthrie speaks with one of the leading civil dispute resolution specialists out there, Ana Sambold who shares her top tips for getting your cases settled ONLINE! Having served as a neutral in over 1,000 cases, many of them online, Ana Sambold is known for her ability to help the parties reach resolution!  Handling a wide range of cases including business/commercial, insurance coverage, real estate, torts, wrongful death, personal injury, succession/wills/trusts, and cases involving multinational and multilingual parties, Ana has a broad bad of trick that she pulls from to help her participants get their cases settled and it may surprise you, but she thinks that it is all so much easier online!  A major advocate of using technology where appropriate as a tool to help people address their conflicts, Ana shares some of her top insights and tips for you in this episode - don't miss it! About this week's Special Guest:  Ana Sambold is one of California's leading figures in the field of alternative dispute resolution. With over a decade of experience as a conflict resolution specialist, she has served as a neutral in over 1,000 cases across a broad spectrum of civil litigation matters. Her practice involves the resolution of business/commercial, insurance coverage, real estate, torts, wrongful death, personal injury, succession/wills/trusts, and cases involving multinational and multilingual parties.  She serves as a neutral on the selected ADR rosters of the American Arbitration Association (AAA), ADR Services, Inc., the Forum, several U.S. courts, federal and state agencies. She has served as an Adjunct Professor of law for California Western Law School and has taught extensively in conflict resolution, mediation, cross-cultural diversity and communication with the National Conflict Resolution Center.   As a prominent leader in the field of ADR, she currently serves as an Executive Officer of the ABA Section of Dispute Resolution, Co-Chair of the ABA Advanced Mediation and Advocacy Skills Institute, Executive Officer of the California Lawyers Association Litigation Section, and Chair of the San Diego County Bar Association (SDCBA) ADR Section.  She speaks Spanish fluently and mediates and arbitrates regularly using both English and Spanish. Ms. Sambold is a dually qualified attorney in the U.S. (California and U.S. Federal Court Southern District) and in Colombia. Her unique civil and common law expertise and fluency in Spanish allows her to understand the cultural and legal nuances that facilitate the resolution of disputes in multicultural settings and between parties of different nationalities. She received her Master of Law from University of San Diego School of Law (USD) and her training and credentials in dispute resolution from Harvard Law School, Pepperdine University School of Law - Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution, and the Chartered Institute of Arbitrators. For more information about her practice, visit: http://www.sambold-law.com/. She can be reached at sambold@sambold-law.com **************************************************************************** About Our Host: Susan Guthrie, nationally recognized as one of the Top Family Law and Mediation Attorneys in the country, has been helping individuals and families navigate separation and divorce for 30 years. Susan provides online divorce mediation and legal coaching services to select clients around the world. As a leading dispute resolution professional, Susan is honored to serve on the Executive Council of the American Bar Association's (ABA) Dispute Resolution Section as the Membership Officer and to be a Co-Chair of the Mediation Committee. Susan also is one of the leading experts in online mediation in the country and trains other professionals in the practical and ethical considerations of conducting their mediations online through her business Learn to Mediate Online (www.learntomediateonline.com.) The Learn to Mediate Online Training Program is NOW ON-DEMAND!  To date, more than 15,000 dispute resolution professionals have benefited from her online mediation training program which is available as an ON DEMAND COURSE!  The program will help you to transition your in-person mediation process to an online virtual proceeding via Zoom video-conferencing and more.  Go here to find out more: https://learntomediateonline.teachable.com/   Susan also offers additional training and webinars in (available on www.learntomediateonline.com): ***To receive 10% off the cost of the downloadable programs use code "PODCAST." **** Social Media Marketing for Professionals DOWNLOADABLE PROGRAM NOW AVAILABLE! DIY Website Basics DOWNLOADABLE PROGRAM NOW AVAILABLE! Susan also offers 1:1 private coaching and more.  Go to www.learntomediateonline.com ******************************************************************************************************** To find out more about Susan's new venture with mediation legend, Forrest "Woody" Mosten, please visit www.mostenguthrie.com. ************************************************************************************************ Susan has been featured in and on media outlets such as CNBC, Market Watch, Forbes, Eye on Chicago, WGN, the ABA's Just Resolutions Magazine, Thrive Global, The Nook Online among others. She is licensed to practice law in the States of California and Connecticut as well as before the Supreme Court of the United States. Susan's other Podcasts: After a year and half of co-creating and co-hosting the award winning podcast, Breaking Free: A Modern Divorce Podcast which reached over 3 million listeners, Susan recently launched her fresh and inspiring new podcast, The Divorce and Beyond Podcast with Susan Guthrie, Esq. which debuted on iTunes “Top Podcasts” List for self-help podcasts. Divorce & Beyond is focused on pulling back the curtain on the mysteries of the divorce process and bringing tips and resources to help people to thrive and shine in their new future beyond divorce.   Follow us on Instagram:  Susan Guthrie, The Divorce & Beyond Podcast and Learn to Mediate Online! Want a Learn to Mediate Online coffee mug?  Your can order yours here: https://teespring.com/learn-to-mediate-online-mug?pid=658&cid=102908&sid=front     EACH MONTH THERE WILL BE TWO WINNERS OF AN LTMO MUG OR OTHER SWAG!  To enter, just leave a 5-Star Rating and Review on iTunes or Podbean!We want to be sure to help as many online professionals as we can and your ratings and review really help to spread the word! Be sure to subscribe to the podcast on your favorite platform so that you don't miss an episode and if you enjoyed this episode, please give us a five star review and leave a comment telling us what you liked!  You can link to the most popular podcast platforms here:  https://learntomediateonline.com/ltmo-podcast You can reach Susan at susan@learntomediateonline.com

The San Diego Union-Tribune partnered with the National Conflict Resolution Center to hold a discussion on race and equity.It's part of the NCRC's “A Path Forward” series, and it featured three voices that have been driving the conversation following the death of George Floyd and the subsequent protests.The panel includes: Ibram X. Kendi, author of "How to be an Antiracist". Robin DiAngelo, author of "White Fragility: Why it's so hard for white people to talk about racism", and Wesley Lowery, a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist who came to prominence following his coverage of Ferguson, Mo. for the Washington Post.

The coronavirus pandemic has altered how we interact and relate to one another. New standards for social etiquette are being set in real-time as we hide our faces behind masks and move away when someone gets too close for social distancing comfort. Today on Insight, social interaction amid the pandemic and how to handle the uncomfortable moments. Guests Research associate at the Public Policy Institute of California, Alyssa Dykman, on public opinion regarding masks and other COVID-19 safety protocols Civility and etiquette consultant, Rosalinda Randall, navigates negotiating COVID-19 society Senior Program Manager of the Center for Community Cohesion at the National Conflict Resolution Center, Katheryn Shade, discusses how to navigate constructive confrontation Professor of law and psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, Tess Wilkinson-Ryan, explains insinuation anxiety amid the pandemic  Associate Clinical Professor at the UC Davis Betty Irene Moore School of Nursing, Dr. Jann Murray-García, talks about race-related conflict resolution Professor of psychology at UC Davis, Jeffrey Sherman, on social interaction and conflict in communities of color

National Conflict Resolution Center

On this episode of Big Blend Radio, lawyer, clinical social worker, veteran mediator and best-selling author Bill Eddy discusses his latest book, WHY WE ELECT NARCISSISTS AND SOCIOPATHS – AND HOW WE CAN STOP! Bill is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center, and cofounder and training director of the High-Conflict Institute. More at https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Featured music is "Maniac World" by Jon Roniger & The Good for Nothin' Band - www.TheGoodforNothinBand.com

Partnering with the National Conflict Resolution Center, the San Diego Union-Tribune held a forum Wednesday night about how to confront hate. Religious leaders from communities attacked by hate — Charlottesville, Charleston, Oak Creek and Poway -- discussed how they chose to respond to hate, bigotry and ignorance.

Steve Dinkin, President of the National Conflict Resolution Center (NCRC), chats about NCRC’s 31st Annual Peacemaker Awards” dinner that will be held on Saturday, April 6 at the Hilton Bayfront Hotel. Dinkin is joined by one of the evening’s awardees, Imam Taha Hassane, who will be recognized as the Community Hero Honoree in the Civility of Politics category.

If you divorced someone with a high-conflict personality, you may be concerned about repeating the same cycle in your next partnership. What steps can you take to reflect on the dynamics of your relationships and develop radar for people with high-conflict personalities? An international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities, Bill Eddy is the co-founder and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute. In addition, he is a Certified Family Law Specialist and Senior Family Mediator with the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Bill has written several books, including Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to ‘The One’ Who Will Make Your Life Hell and 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities. Today, Bill joins Katherine to share the four warning signs for people with high-conflict personalities. He explains how high-conflict people can jam your radar with fake compatibility and how to leverage your friends and family for insight. He addresses why you should finish grieving the loss of a previous relationship before committing to new one, describing the danger in using a relationship to feel okay about yourself. Listen in to understand why people commit to relationships with high-conflict personalities despite the red flags, how to identify behaviors exhibited by high-conflict people, and how to manage high-conflict personalities if you can’t avoid them entirely. Topics Covered The four warning signs for people with high-conflict personalities All-or-nothing thinking Unmanaged emotion Extreme behavior Preoccupation with blaming others How high-conflict people can jam your radar with fake compatibility The value in asking friends and family for their insight on your partner Why you must finish grieving a loss before committing to a new relationship Why Bill recommends waiting at least a year before committing to marriage The reasons why people commit to relationships despite red flags The five types of high-conflict people who can ruin your life Narcissists, sociopaths, borderline, histrionic and paranoid The extreme behaviors exhibited by people with high-conflict personalities How to manage high-conflict people if you can’t avoid them altogether Connect with Bill Eddy High Conflict Institute: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/ National Conflict Resolution Center: https://www.ncrconline.com/ Resources Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to ‘The One’ Who Will Make Your Life Hell by Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bookstores/dating-radar 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities by Bill Eddy: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bookstores/5-types-of-people-who-can-ruin-your-life Connect with Katherine Miller The Center for Understanding Conflict: http://understandinginconflict.org/ Miller Law Group: https://westchesterfamilylaw.com/ Katherine on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/kemiller1 The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller: https://www.amazon.com/New-Yorkers-Guide-Collaborative-Divorce/dp/0692496246 Email: katherine@westchesterfamilylaw.com Call (914) 738-7765 The New Yorker’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Miller Email katherine@westchesterfamilylaw.com Call (914) 738-7765

Is your partner emotionally explosive, regularly picking fights, and blaming others for all their troubles? Bill Eddy sheds light on how to manage conflict and communication with a high conflict person. Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, and mediator in San Diego, California. He is the President of the High Conflict Institute. He is on the part-time faculty at the Pepperdine University School of Law and on the part-time faculty of the National Judicial College and is the senior family mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center. He is the developer of the New Ways for Families, a skill-based method for managing high-conflict families in separation and divorce, which is being implemented in court systems in the United States and Canada. Bill provides training to professionals worldwide on the subject of managing high-conflict personalities and high-conflict disputes. He provides seminars to attorneys, mediators, judges, mental health professionals, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, ombuds, hospital and college administrators, government agencies, law enforcement, homeowners’ association managers and many others. He has presented in over 30 states, several provinces in Canada, and England, France, Sweden, Austria, Australia, Israel, Netherlands and New Zealand. Mr. Eddy is also the author of several books, including: 5 Types of People Who can Ruin Your Life (coming soon) Dating Radar: why your Brain Says Yes to the One Who Will Make your Life Hell (with Megan Hunter, MBA) High Conflict People in Legal Disputes It’s All Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People So, What’s Your Proposal: Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds Your host, Christina Vinters, is a nationally designated Chartered Mediator on a mission to inspire and facilitate healthy family transitions. She is an “ex” Divorce Lawyer (Non-Practicing Member of the Bar), Author of Pathways to Amicable Divorce, and the  DIY Divorce Manual, and Peacemaking Business Consultant. Guest Links: Websites http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/ https://www.newways4families.com/ Visit www.unhookedmedia.com for Bill Eddy books and products. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/highconflictinstitute/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/HighConflict Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/bill-eddy-bba98a1b/ Modern Separations Links: Website: https://www.modernseparations.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/modernseparations Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/divorcewell Twitter: https://twitter.com/cvinters LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cvinters/ Episode Transcript Christina: Hi everybody. Today I'm very lucky to be talking to Bill Eddy, an international leader in the field of conflict resolution with high-conflict people. Bill is a lawyer, therapist, and mediator in San Diego, California. He's also the founder and president of the High Conflict Institute. He teaches part-time at Pepperdine University School of Law, the National Judicial College, as well as private training sessions for professionals worldwide on the subject of managing high-conflict personalities and high-conflict disputes. And there's still more! He has developed a program called New Ways for Families, a skill-based method for managing high-conflict families. And his program has been implemented in several court systems in the United States and Canada. Bill is also the author of several books, really too many in the list here but in our discussion, we talk in some detail about BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People and BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm. We talked about his book So What's Your Proposal? Shifting High-Conflict People from Blaming to Problem Solving in Thirty Seconds!, and his newest book Dating Radar. Bill says there are four characteristics of high-conflict people. These are all-or-nothing, black and white type thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behaviors, and preoccupation with blaming others. So if these characteristics sound familiar, whether you're separating from a high-conflict person or you have a high-conflict person in another area of your life, this episode is for you. Here we go.  Christina: Welcome, Bill! It's such an honor to speak to you today.  Bill: Well Christina, I'm really glad to be speaking with you about this.  Christina: Your contributions to the area of resolving really difficult conflict has been prolific over your career. For anyone not yet familiar with Bill's work, I highly recommend that you check out his books and programs. To get started, why don't you tell us about your journey and what brought you to focus on high-conflict people?  Bill: Well, it's interesting. I, for many years, have been a social worker since actually over thirty years since about 1981. I really like working with children and families and I was kind of trying to find the best place for myself. And while I started out practicing as a child and family counselor, I also volunteered at our local mediation center and found that I really like helping resolve disputes between people. And that I liked mediation and decided I would go to law school to primarily do divorce mediation. But in law school, I realized I should probably practice law for a couple of years and so I started dealing with practicing family law after I got my law degree and found that much of it was like, social work. And so I noticed that I was doing divorce mediation with out-of-court couples who were basically able to get along and just needed some guidance and help. And then I go to court in the mornings and one or both people would be very difficult and we would spend months, sometimes years. And what I realized is the high-conflict problems have a lot to do with people's own nature with their own personalities. And so I started writing a lot about high-conflict personalities but also how to deal with people like that, especially if you're going through a divorce or separation. So that's kind of how I ended up here.  Christina: OK, great! And so to clarify for the listeners, how do you define a high-conflict person? And how would somebody be able to tell if they're dealing with a high-conflict person?  Bill: Well in a sense, a lot of feedback I get from working with law clients and social work clients and mediation clients, is that people suddenly go “Oh my goodness, I know I'm dealing with a high-conflict person!” But I'd say there's four characteristics. And sometimes you can get a hint of this even before you separate. That is a lot of all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions where the person's emotions just kinda lead them down a lot of different paths where they start yelling and things that doesn't help; extreme behaviors like yelling, throwing things, lyings, taking family money, spreading rumors – all of these kinds of things. But the fourth is the biggest in many ways, and that's the preoccupation with blaming others. And if you're getting divorced from someone like this, you may be and have been and will become their target of blame. And they put all these intense thinking, emotions, behavior on the other person who's their target of blame. And so when people are getting ready to divorce or separate from someone who is like this or may show those behaviors, I encourage caution and planning so that you don't go through too much extreme difficulty becoming that person's target of blame.  Christina: So is it fair to say that most people probably would have noticed some or all of these types of characteristics during the relationship, or does it ever happen that a separation could all of a sudden sort of bring this type of behavior into the fore?  Bill: We see both. I'd say that most people that have a high-conflict divorce have realized during the relationship whether they are married or just living together that the person they're dealing with has extremes from time to time. But I've had people tell me that they really were surprised at how extreme the person became when they did go through divorce. So usually you know you're dealing with some difficulties but sometimes the difficulties during the divorce even gets the person by surprise. So that's why it's good to kind of think about patterns of behavior and there's high-conflict pattern of behavior in advance and to prepare for that possibility.  Christina: What type of preparation do you recommend?  Bill: Well, a few things. First of all, get support. Build a support system. I think it helps to meet with a counselor occasionally and just kind of prepare for what you may go through, 'cause you'll maybe personally attacked, publicly criticized, harassed, etc. Also, get consultation with a family lawyer, whether you'll hire one or not, a lot of family lawyers today will let you consult for half an hour or an hour. And kind of talk about your situation and what some of the problems could be. Another is to kinda collect information. What a lot of people we encourage to do is make sure you find out what all your bank account numbers are. Some people take pictures of all their household furniture, the big items, in case things start disappearing during a divorce. And also keep a journal of extreme events. So let's say there was a pushing and shoving incident happened while you're still living together. You wanna write down exactly what happened ideally on the day it happened. So if six months or a year later, you get blamed for that event, you got some kind of record to say “Wait a minute, this is what happened. I didn't start pushing. The other person started pushing.” You know, whatever it is that happened. So in a sense, it's preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best. And not assuming that the worst will happen, but kinda having your eyes open, having support, having information and keeping some records.  Christina: OK and so part of what I'm hoping to do is to provide people with a range of dispute resolution options and some hope that you don't necessarily have to end up in court. Now a lot of court files are comprised of at least one high-conflict person. But I know that you recommend that mediation can be possible and so that might be surprising for some people. Can you share your view of why mediation is a viable option in such a circumstance?  Bill: Well the reality is that over 90 percent of divorces are resolved by agreement. Even the ones that go to court, some end up finishing by agreement. So there's a really good chance even in a high-conflict case that it's gonna get resolved by agreement. And so I think mediation is really good because it keeps things calm. While two attorneys can negotiate with each other, it may be just the attorneys on their own and slip into being more adversarial. So mediation kinda keeps things calm. And collaborative divorce, if people have two collaborative lawyers, the lawyers can't go to court so they try hard to settle the case. So, something that kind of manages the case, and that's where I see mediation really be effective and that's most of what I do now. I've been a family lawyer for 25 years, but the last ten years I just do mediation. And about a third of my cases are high-conflict cases and people mostly reach an agreement. So what I encourage people do is kind of think a two-track system. One is try hard to negotiate and settle issues and mediation or some other form of negotiation, but keep your records, keep your notes your journal just in case you have to go to court. And the more prepared you are, the less likely the other person is to try to drag you into court. So I very much believe that mediation and I see high-conflict cases work things out. Sometimes it takes longer than it would with a case that wasn't high-conflict but still high-conflict people can settle in mediation so it's definitely worth a try. And it doesn't really hurt to try mediation. So that's why I just encourage people to start with mediation or some negotiation methods first.  Christina: Yeah, for sure. I agree that one of the benefits of mediation is the focus on trying to de-escalate, but I like your point of keeping the records and making sure that you are prepared just in case. But try to keep with the mindset that resolution is going to be the best for the family. And not using those records as a threat to the other.  Bill: Exactly! And there's a saying among lawyers, is used as something as a shield, not as a sword. And I really agree with that. Just protect yourself. And I might mention I have a book called Splitting, which is protecting yourself while divorcing someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. And it's really geared to potentially high-conflict situations and we really emphasize, my co-author and I, Randi Kreger, to be prepared to take notes but also to communicate well. We talk about using the BIFF method – brief, informative, friendly and firm. So that you're really trying to put a positive on things even if it feels like a potentially negative situation.  Christina: I think that BIFF strategy is really helpful. And it can feel overwhelming for people when they're dealing with somebody who wants to engage in conflict all the time, that's exhausting. Are there any other go-to tactics or strategies that people can keep in mind when they are trying to negotiate with a high-conflict spouse? And I'm thinking particularly of co-parenting is part of their arrangement and regular communication is necessary.  Bill: Yeah, there's... it really helps to focus on what you want for the future and not talking and emphasizing what you don't want to happen in the past and people make that mistake all the time is with a potentially high-conflict person. Just say what you want. So rather than say “You never took the kids to their karate class,” is to say “I'd like you to take the kids to their karate class.” And, because what happens is you trigger so much defensiveness that people are busy defending themselves rather than saying “Yes, I can agree to that.” And so think the future. Think proposals. And just so the people know there's other information out there, I also have a little book called So What's Your Proposal? And it talks about a lot, like twenty examples in there of focusing on the future by making a proposal and focusing on it like the other person has a choice that you're willing to discuss with them. Other options so it's a proposal, not a demand. And that's so important in dealing with a high-conflict partner or co-parent because it's easy to just try to tell them what to do or to point out all the mistakes that they've made. And that definitely doesn't help. You just wanna say what you're aiming for. Say, “I would like you to pick up the kids after school for karate twice a week.” rather than “You've been doing it wrong for years.”  Christina: And I find that sometimes it's necessary to repeat those types of questions. For example, “So what's your proposal?” If you take the karate example that you used, “I'd like you to pick up the kids from karate.” Because sometimes, the really high-conflict people will grab on to even a positive statement like that and be defensive. “Well, I always pick up the kids from karate.” And so bringing the conversation back again to that focusing on the positive and the future and that is great. So that's what I'd like you to do.  Bill: Right. Right, right. Just really try to emphasize the positive and that's good to point out things that are working. A lot of times when people dealing with a high-conflict person, they don't give them any positive feedback. They just look at everything that's wrong. And it really helps to say “I appreciate that thing you did last week. That was helpful.” Or “The kids said that they enjoyed doing that activity with you last week. That's great!” Because the more you can do that, you're being kind of a role model for the other parent to do that back. And to say “Well you did something I appreciate. Thank you for that.”  Christina: And then that type of appreciation and role modeling will hopefully inspire similar responses in return.  Bill: Exactly. And what's interesting is, we're talking briefly before about the BIFF response method of emails that are brief, informative, friendly, and firm. And the feedback we're getting is people really like writing their emails that way. 'Cause even if someone's hostile towards them, you're responding in a clean way. You're not being hostile or rude back. And what we're hearing is that the other person starts to respond with a BIFF response as well even though they don't know what a BIFF is. They just try to be brief or more straight in information, friendly, and firm. And so it's contagious, and that's important as people to realize everything you do is contagious, especially in a highly emotional situation like separation or divorce. So what you want the other person to catch from you is calmness, positive feedback. Not anger and resentment and focusing on what went wrong. So you can influence the other person a little bit, not a lot, but somewhat by being positive and not being negative.  Christina: I think it might be really helpful to give the listeners an example of a BIFF response. So let's say that somebody receives an email demanding that the parenting schedule change the following week. What might a BIFF response look like?  Bill: Well actually, let me read one to you from the Splitting book...  Christina: OK.  Bill: Because it really, it's a classic example. And so let's say this is Joe and Jane and they've been separated for a couple of years – maybe divorced or maybe never married but with a couple of kids. And so Jane actually wants to take the kids Friday afternoon to her boss' birthday party at the office. And so she made that request, simple request. Jane and Joe response:  “Jane, I can't believe you're so stupid as to think I'm going to let you take the children to your boss' birthday party during my parenting time. Have you no memory of the last six conflicts we've had about my parenting time? Or are you having an affair with him? I always knew you would do anything to get ahead. In fact, I remember coming to your office party and witnessing you making a total fool of yourself. Including flirting with everyone from the CEO down to the mail room clerk. Are you high on something? Haven't you got your finances together enough to support yourself yet? Without flinging yourself at every time they can have it, and on and on and on...”  Christina: Oh my gosh that's traumatic just to listen to!  Bill: I know! I know! It's funny I read this to family lawyers and they say “I get these everyday.” So that's not a BIFF response. That's not the way we want people to talk. But if you think of a BIFF response as brief, informative, just straight information, no opinions, criticisms, emotions. Friendly, just a friendly greeting. And firm in that it ends the conversation or it asks for a simple yes or no response.  So let me read Jane's response and see if this is a BIFF response.  “Thank you for responding to my request to take the children to my office party. Just to clarify, the party would be from 3 to 5 on Friday at the office and there would be approximately thirty people there, including several other parents and their school-aged children. There'll be no alcohol because that's a family-oriented firm and there'll be family-oriented activities. I think it would be a good experience for the kids to see me at my workplace. Since you've not agreed, and of course I will respect that and withdraw my request because I recognize it is your parenting time.”  Bill: So, that's brief, that's straight information, it's friendly, she says “Thank you for responding...”, and she says “I respect your parenting time...”, and it's firm that it ends the conversation. Now she could have, depending on what she knows about Joe, have ended by saying, “With these information, I hope you'll reconsider. Please let me know by Thursday at 5:00. Yes or No.” So either of those would be a BIFF response. But do you feel the difference in the tone?  Christina: Yeah, I mean it would take a huge amount of mindfulness and maturity to be able to respond that way. Probably if some deep breathing and some time in between reading the first email and sending the BIFF response.  Bill: Right. One thing we encourage is that people have someone else look at it before they send it. So that they can kinda catch if you let anything kinda weak through that is really angry back. But you're right. It's not easy and in many ways, what we teach people is self-management. It's managing their own emotions. It's keeping their thinking flexible. Managing moderate behavior and checking themselves rather than blaming other people. And I might mention we have a method we call New Ways for Families that teaches a lot of skills, like making proposals and BIFF responses. So that people can get more and more comfortable doing these things with practice. And I'll tell you, we just get a lot of good feedback about this method because people feel more in control of themselves. And then the other person has less and less influence on them with their negativity.    Christina: Sure. Because the only person we really can control is ourselves. So when you're dealing with somebody high-conflict, the odds of being able to change their behavior is probably relatively slim. Hopefully, over time, they might take on this BIFF strategy themselves. But it in the meantime, people can affect how they are looking at the situation and choosing to respond.  Bill: Right. It's a learning process, it's a process of patience. I think it's kinda giving yourself encouraging statements, that's something else we teach with our New Ways for Families method. Because you know you're dealing with a hard time. And you can give yourself encouraging statements. You really can focus on what makes you feel good and get less stressed by it all. By getting support as I've said at the very beginning is a big part of that – from friends, family, even a counselor from, if you find it helpful.  Christina: Is the New Ways program, is that online and something anybody can sign up for?  Bill: It's both. It's online, where anyone can go. And actually, I'll give you our website for New Ways. It's newways4families.com. And we use the number 4 as we say new ways, and then the number 4, families.com. And the online version is called Parenting Without Conflict. Now that's kind of an aspiration because there's always gonna be some conflict. We just want it to be low-conflict, not high-conflict.  Christina: Or respectful conflict.  Bill: Exactly. But it's a twelve, basically twelve sessions, twelve hours, and it's approved by various court systems for people required to take a parenting class. But a lot of people just find it really helpful because of the skills that it teaches. We also have some cities where this is available as a counseling program and the judges actually order both parents to get the counseling program method which is six individual sessions for each parent with a separate counselor and a workbook. And then they each have three parent-child sessions to teach the kids the same skills – flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behavior, and checking themselves. The online course anybody can take. It's very easy to access that. But what we find is skills really help a lot and the people want skills. They want to know “How do I deal with my own emotions?” and “How do I respond to the other person's emotions?” and how you go through a divorce will really teach your kids how they should solve relationship problems in the future. And so we were really encouraging people kinda practice self-management skills during this time.  Christina: That's a fantastic resource and we will provide the link in the show notes so people can access that.  Bill: Let me mention one other thing is our other website, highconflictinstitute.com can be used to look at a lot of articles. We have a lot of free articles as well as books to pay for and videos. So I'll make sure you know about both of those websites.  Christina: Thank you, we'll post both of those. So taking just a bit of a left turn here, I see that your newest book, Dating Radar is helping people understand why they make the relationship choices that they do. I think the subtitle says it all: 'Why your brain says Yes to the one who'll make your life hell'. Now, I haven't had the chance to read it yet but I'd love to hear a bit of an overview because that sounds like that's really gonna help people hear out why they've made the decisions they have in the past and hopefully help make better decisions in the future.  Bill: I'm so glad you're asking about that 'cause we're really... Megan Hunter and I co-authored it. And we really feel enthusiastic about what we put in there. We did an online survey which helped give us feedback from a lot of people who said they've been through high-conflict relationships and warning signs that they missed. So in this book, we focused on three key things for Dating Radar. First, is know what you're looking for. Learn what the patterns of five high-conflict personality styles are. Then look at how they jam your radar that people get misled or overwhelmed with the goodness. You know, the knight-in-shining-armor image, the super charming man or woman who just sweeps you off your feet – that this isn't real. And that people realize this person is too good to be true. That they act like their favorite most important interests are the same as what they realize yours are. And we call that a fake compatibility that people are misled by. But the third category is your own blind spots, and that's where we look at kind of cultural beliefs about relationships that don't help. And a lot of songs feed this. You know, that you can change your partner “I will be able to fix this person and make them into a more responsible, honest partner. And that's just not true. We have to learn what you see is what you're going to get. And so a lot of people, you know like the day before they get married they go, “You know I'm not so sure but you know, I think time and love will change someone's soul. I'll make him settle down.” Of course, there's the old saying that women marry somebody based on the idea that they can change him and that men marry someone based on the idea that she'll never change.  Christina: Right.  Bill: So we have a lot of beliefs that trick us up so, that's what it helps with what we really think that so many people, both Megan and I worked in the divorce field for so many years and we see so many people they go, “Why did I do this? And I missed the warning signs.” We wanna help people know the warning signs and not miss them. So that you know, you don't have to go through a high-conflict divorce or separation later on.  Christina: Well that's fantastic. I'm looking forward to reading that. Before we end, do you have any other recommendations for people who find themselves in the situation of separating from a high-conflict person?  Bill: Just basically you know, getting support, getting information... We've got a lot of books. I mentioned BIFF, but I didn't mention that we have a BIFF book that teaches people how to write BIFF response emails and Facebook posts, etc. We have So What's Your Proposal, we have Dating Radar. So another book called Don't Alienate the Kids!, which talks about how we try to help the kids this time. And that's such an important part. People wonder “What do I say? Should I say something? Shouldn't I say something?” And so we recommend a lot of specific things to explain what's going on without badmouthing the other parent. Warning family members and friends, “You may hear terrible things about me. Please check them out with me. Don't hesitate to ask me if something true that you've heard.” Those kinds of things. So overall, it's being prepared, but I would say if someone's facing a high-conflict divorce, just plan ahead before you start the divorce process. Before you even say “I wanna get divorce” or “I'm moving out” is get your dots in a row. And the book Splitting really gives you a whole kinda map for what to expect and what to do.  Christina: This has been a wealth of information for our listeners, Bill. Thank you so much for being here with me today. And thank you for all of your contributions to the field of family law.  Bill: Thank you so much, Christina! And best wishes with your work.  Christina: Thank you. 

Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden. As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including: High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything, SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns. He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.” Key Takeaways: [1:45] What a high conflict person is, and the 4 key characteristics they have [4:35] If Steve Jobs was a high conflict person, and how he managed it successfully [8:35] The CARS method in a nutshell [13:55] How lawyers can sometimes harm the resolution of cases [18:00] How to communicate with high conflict people (including lawyers) in a way that doesn't raise the ante but is still effective [20:40] The app Jason loves to use because going from written word to voice erases a lot of tension and error [23:50] How the state of the media companies are harming us Website: www.highconflictinstitute.com

Traditionally, alternative dispute resolution methods like mediation and collaborative divorce are seen as a good fit for couples who are civil to each other and simply need a professional to support them in the legal aspects of the process. But Bill Eddy argues that the non-adversarial processes are crucial for high-conflict people navigating divorce. Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the co-founder and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute. He has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities and personality disorders, and he provides training on the subject to professionals all over the world. Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in Sand Diego. He is the author of several books, including High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People. Today, Bill sits down with Katherine to explain why high-conflict people need a non-adversarial divorce process. He shares the benefits of consulting a lawyer during the mediation process and the significance of going into alternative dispute resolution with a focus on the future. Bill describes what is involved in his pre-mediation coaching as well as his approach to mediation when a restraining order is involved. Listen in for Bill’s insight on communicating with high-conflict people and finding a lawyer who supports mediation and the collaborative divorce process. Topics Covered Why high-conflict people need a non-adversarial divorce process • Court escalates adversarial thinking • Gives rise to false allegations, abuse How high-conflict people are more sensitive to feeling attacked The benefit of consulting a lawyer during the mediation process The value of a divorce financial analyst in alternative dispute resolution How informed consent serves as the key to a non-adversarial process What’s involved in Bill’s pre-mediation coaching How Bill handles mediation when a restraining order is involved How collaborative teaches high-conflict couples communication skills How parenting plans can be structured around limited contact in extreme cases How the self-doubt people feel during divorce is exacerbated by lack of respect The techniques Bill recommends for communicating with high-conflict people • EAR—empathy, attention and respect • BIFF—brief, informative, friendly and firm (i.e.: email, Facebook) Why Bill suggests finding a lawyer who will support mediation/collaborative divorce Connect with Bill Eddy High Conflict Institute: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/ National Conflict Resolution Center: https://www.ncrconline.com/ Resources New Ways for Families: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/new-ways/ BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People by Bill Eddy: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bookstores/biff How to Write a BIFF Response DVD: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bookstores/how-to-write-a-biff-response-dvd Coaching for BIFF Response DVD: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bookstores/coaching-for-biff-response Our Family Wizard: https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/directory/high-conflict-institute Is Divorce Mediation for You? DVD: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bookstores/is-divorce-mediation-for-you-dvd High Conflict People in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bookstores/high-conflict-people-in-legal-disputes-2nd-edition Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bookstores/splitting-protecting-yourself-while-divorcing