Podcasts about conflict communication

Our guest this time, Bill Eddy, is a family mediator, lawyer and therapist, and the Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He received his bachelor's degree in Psychology, but didn't stop there. As you will read, he went on to learn and work in the therapy space for a number of years, but his longing to deal with some other issues caused him to study law and after receiving his Juris Prudence degree he worked in the law as a mediator. While doing this he also felt it relevant and appropriate to begin working on ways to address conflicts between persons. He realized that conflict often meant that someone was bullying another person.   Bill and I spend much time discussing bullying, where it comes from, how and why people become bullies and how to deal with bullying kinds of behavior. Our discussions are fascinating and I quite believe important for everyone to hear.   Just last month Bill's latest book, “Our New World of Adult Bullies” was released. Bill discusses his book and why we are encountering more bullying behavior today than we have experienced in the past.   Enough from me. I hope you find my conversation with Bill Eddy relevant, useful and, of course, entertaining.       About the Guest:   Bill Eddy is a family mediator, lawyer and therapist, and the Chief Innovation Office of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He has provided training to mediators, lawyers, judges, mental health professionals and others on the subject of managing high-conflict personalities in over 35 states, 9 provinces in Canada, and twelve other countries.   As a lawyer, Mr. Eddy was a Certified Family Law Specialist (CFLS) in California for 15 years, where he represented clients in family court. Prior to that, he provided psychotherapy for 12 years to children and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Throughout his forty-year career he has provided divorce mediation services, including the past 15 years as the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. Mr. Eddy is the author of several books, including: · Mediating High Conflict Disputes · High Conflict People in Legal Disputes · Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder · Calming Upset People with EAR · BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People · BIFF for CoParent Communication · BIFF at Work · BIFF for Lawyers and Law Offices · So, What's Your Proposal: Shifting High Conflict People From Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds · Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict Divorce   He has a continuing education course for Mental Health professionals titled “It's All Your Fault!”: Working with High Conflict Personalities. He has a Psychology Today blog about high conflict personality disorders with over 6 million views. He has a podcast titled “It's All Your Fault” which he does weekly with Megan Hunter.   He taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years. He has served on the part-time faculty of the National Judicial College in the United States and has provided several trainings for judges in Canada for the National Judicial Institute. He is currently on the part-time faculty at the Straus Institute of Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law teaching Psychology of Conflict Communication each year. He teaches once a year on Advanced Communication Skills as Conjoint Associate Professor at Newcastle Law School in Newcastle, Australia.   He is the developer of the New Ways for Families® method for potentially high-conflict families, which is being implemented in several family court systems in the United States and Canada, as well as an online co-parenting course (Parenting Without Conflict by New Ways for Families). He is also the developer of the New Ways for Mediation® method, which emphasizes more structure by the mediator and simple negotiation skills for the parties. He obtained his JD law degree in 1992 from the University of San Diego, a Master of Social Work degree in 1981 from San Diego State University, and a Bachelors degree in Psychology in 1970 from Case Western Reserve University. His website is: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.   Ways to connect with Bill:   www.HighConflictInstitute.com.   About the Host:   Michael Hingson is a New York Times best-selling author, international lecturer, and Chief Vision Officer for accessiBe. Michael, blind since birth, survived the 9/11 attacks with the help of his guide dog Roselle. This story is the subject of his best-selling book, Thunder Dog.   Michael gives over 100 presentations around the world each year speaking to influential groups such as Exxon Mobile, AT&T, Federal Express, Scripps College, Rutgers University, Children's Hospital, and the American Red Cross just to name a few. He is Ambassador for the National Braille Literacy Campaign for the National Federation of the Blind and also serves as Ambassador for the American Humane Association's 2012 Hero Dog Awards.   https://michaelhingson.com https://www.facebook.com/michael.hingson.author.speaker/ https://twitter.com/mhingson https://www.youtube.com/user/mhingson https://www.linkedin.com/in/michaelhingson/   accessiBe Links https://accessibe.com/ https://www.youtube.com/c/accessiBe https://www.linkedin.com/company/accessibe/mycompany/   https://www.facebook.com/accessibe/       Thanks for listening!   Thanks so much for listening to our podcast! If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. Do you have some feedback or questions about this episode? Leave a comment in the section below!   Subscribe to the podcast   If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher. You can subscribe in your favorite podcast app. You can also support our podcast through our tip jar https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/unstoppable-mindset .   Leave us an Apple Podcasts review   Ratings and reviews from our listeners are extremely valuable to us and greatly appreciated. They help our podcast rank higher on Apple Podcasts, which exposes our show to more awesome listeners like you. If you have a minute, please leave an honest review on Apple Podcasts.       Transcription Notes: Michael Hingson ** 00:00 Access Cast and accessiBe Initiative presents Unstoppable Mindset. The podcast where inclusion, diversity and the unexpected meet. Hi, I'm Michael Hingson, Chief Vision Officer for accessiBe and the author of the number one New York Times bestselling book, Thunder dog, the story of a blind man, his guide dog and the triumph of trust. Thanks for joining me on my podcast as we explore our own blinding fears of inclusion unacceptance and our resistance to change. We will discover the idea that no matter the situation, or the people we encounter, our own fears, and prejudices often are our strongest barriers to moving forward. The unstoppable mindset podcast is sponsored by accessiBe, that's a c c e s s i capital B e. Visit www.accessibe.com to learn how you can make your website accessible for persons with disabilities. And to help make the internet fully inclusive by the year 2025. Glad you dropped by we're happy to meet you and to have you here with us.   Michael Hingson ** 01:21 And welcome to another episode of unstoppable mindset where inclusion, diversity and the unexpected meet. Today, we get to deal mostly with the unexpected, because inclusion is what it is, diversity is what it is, and those we put in the order that we do, because in the typical sense of the word diversity, doesn't intend to include disabilities or any discussion of disabilities. And people say, well, disability means lack of ability when they're talking about any of that anyway. And the reality is that's not true. Disability should not mean a lack of ability. And people say, Well, it does, because it starts with dis Well, what about disciple? Yeah, what about disciple? What about discern? What about, you know, so many other kinds of things. The reality is that everyone has a disability, and we could talk about that, but that's not what we're here to do today. We're here to talk to Bill Eddy, who has written a number of books. He's got a degree in psychology, he's got degrees in law, and I'm not going to go and give all that away, because I'd rather he do it. But we also get to be excited by the fact that he has a new book, and we'll talk about it a bunch. It's called our new world of adult bullies. Um, that's what I say about my cat all the time, because she does run the house and, you know, and we can mention that name, Bill, it's stitch. Now, she's a great kitty, but she she does have her mindset on what she wants, so she's trained us well. Well, welcome to unstoppable mindset. Bill, how are you?   Bill Eddy ** 02:57 I'm good, and thanks so much for having me on. Michael, glad to be with you.   Michael Hingson ** 03:01 Well, we're glad you're here and looking forward to it. Why don't we start, as I love to do so often, why don't you tell us about kind of the early build, growing up, or any of those kinds of things to lead us into where we go?   Bill Eddy ** 03:14 Well, I was one of four kids, and as I mentioned in the introduction of the book in third grade, I had my own personal bully. He decided I was the guy he wanted to pick on and fight. And I think he figured that out because my parents didn't allow us kids to fight, so we weren't allowed to fight back. And you know, my parents said, you know, if takes two to make a fight, so if a fight starting, just walk away. And I said, what if the other person won't let you walk away? So we'll find a way to walk away. So for most of third grade, he harassed me and would catch me after school and hit me and kick me in the the foot of the stairway. We had a basement classroom, and there was a stairway out from there so no one could see and it wasn't easy to get away from but mostly I figured out how to avoid him, and also how to how to help the older kids with their homework, so they'd be more of a protector for me. So that's early childhood, but I think it influenced my my choice as an adult, you know, a psychology major, and then I got a master's in social work to do child and family counseling. Did that 12 years, but I liked resolving conflicts, and decided to go to law school and all of that primarily so I could practice mediation to help people solve conflicts. But many of the conflicts I've dealt with had bullies in them, so I started studying these personalities, and that kind of brings me up to today.   Michael Hingson ** 04:58 Wow. Well, you have certainly written, also a number of books. I was reading your list of books, and you have one on divorce, and clearly there are bullies there, and a lot of places, I'm sure, and you have just a number of books, and I can see where the whole concept of having bullies can be in all of those and at the same time, most of us haven't learned how to deal with bullies. We haven't learned how to address the issue of avoidance, which is what you talked about, but it makes perfect sense. I don't particularly like bullies. I've not been bullied a lot, I think I was a couple of times in grammar school, and a kid hit me a couple of times, and I can only assume that it was sort of a bullish oriented thing, but I don't really recall that anything ever happened other than that. It only happened like once or twice, and then I was left alone. But still, there is so much of it, and there's been bullying to a degree for well, as long as we've had people, I guess, right, and this whole idea of avoiding it is obviously what we need to do, although I guess the other part about it that comes to mind is, how do you get the bully to change their mindset and recognize that that's not the best productive use of their time? Well,   Bill Eddy ** 06:30 what's interesting is childhood bullies mostly do figure that out. And I'd say probably 90% of childhood bullies don't become adult bullies that, you know, somebody punches them in the nose, or nobody wants to be their friend, or they get in trouble at home or at school, and they learn that that doesn't work, but maybe 10% get away with it. Maybe they're encouraged, you know, maybe their parents laugh when they bully other people, and that's that's the ones that become the adult bullies. But what I find, and the Institute I work with, high conflict Institute, we do a lot of training, a lot of coaching, and we we teach people like for workplace coaching to to try to give bullies some conflict resolution skills so that they won't be bullies, so they can solve problems others other ways, and we find maybe half of the bullies can improve their behavior enough to keep the job, and About half quit or are told they need to leave. So I'd say about half of bullies can learn to stop that behavior or rein it in, and about half can't. That's just a real rough estimate from my personal observation.   Michael Hingson ** 07:55 The ones that can't or don't, is it that they get so much satisfaction from bullying and they get away with it that just they just don't see the value of it. Or is it different than that? Well, I   Bill Eddy ** 08:08 think it's not as logical as that. I think it has a lot to do with personality patterns, and the ones that are adult bullies usually have personality patterns that border on personality disorders, especially the Cluster B personality disorders, which are narcissistic, anti social, borderline and histrionic. So it's part of who they are. They're not really even thinking about it. This is just how they operate in the world. And so if they're not stopped, they just automatically do this. If they are stopped or told they're going to lose their job, maybe half of them can rein in their behavior, and maybe the other calf can't, even if they want to, they just can't stop themselves. But mostly it's more or less automatic. Is what I see. They really lack self reflection, and therefore, generally don't change. And one of the definitions of personality disorders is an enduring pattern of behavior, so it's not, not likely to change because they had an insight. Because if they were going to have an insight like that, they would have had it before they became adults.   Michael Hingson ** 09:29 Yeah, and it, and it just doesn't seem to happen. And it is, it is so unfortunate that we even have to talk about this kind of a subject. But it's also very important that we understand it, because I think those of us who aren't bullied or who aren't bullies, still need to understand it's like anything else, still need to understand it in order to learn how to deal with it. I would think,   Bill Eddy ** 09:55 yeah, and I think part of why this. Is coming up now is traditionally in our society. And I know my whole lifetime, adult bullies were pretty much kept on the fringe, and so families said, Hey, you can't do that in our family and communities and schools and and workplaces said that. But what's interesting now is, I'd say, the last 20 years or so, is bullies are getting center stage because all of our media competition, especially the screens we have, are trying to show us the worst behavior so that we'll pay attention to them. So social media, cable 24/7, news, movies, TV shows are all showing bad behavior to grab our attention, but the result of this is that they're teaching bad behavior and tolerating it and giving permission to bullies to act out when they might have kind of restrained themselves in the past.   Michael Hingson ** 11:07 How do we get media, television and so on to change that? I've I've kind of felt that way for a while. I actually took a course in college, um, it was called Why police, which is a fascinating course. It was taught by not a deputy sheriff, but he was a volunteer deputy sheriff in Orange County. He was an engineering professor at UC Irvine, where I went to school, and he and he taught this course, and I made the observation once in class, that a lot of the negativity that we see really comes from what we experience on television. And he said, no, that's just not true, but it certainly is true. Well,   Bill Eddy ** 11:49 especially nowadays, especially nowadays, yeah, yeah. Maybe that wasn't true 30 years ago, but it seems very much true now. Yeah, and you mentioned a study in the beginning of, I think it's chapter two of the book that about it was a workplace study, and if I can quote it, I think this is helpful for this discussion. He says they said there's a 2021, workplace bullying Institute survey. So in the second year of the pandemic, he says 58% of the respondents on the survey agreed that quotes the display of bullying, disrespect and intolerance of the opinions of others by politicians and public figures affected workplaces because they encouraged aggression and granted permission to ignore the rules. And I think it's very direct that the media does impact family life, workplace community and online, for sure.   Michael Hingson ** 13:00 Yeah, yeah, I, I would agree. And, you know, today, and we're not going to talk about specific individuals, but at the same time today, I dare say, there are a number of people who step back and contemplate this whole concept of bullies and so on, who would agree that in the political world there? Well, there are a number, but there's one especially, who tends to be more of a bully. But I would say that there are a number of people in the political world who just want to force their own way, and tend to bully a lot.   Bill Eddy ** 13:34 And I totally agree with you. Even have a chapter on what I call the high emotion media, because it's the emotions, the disrespect, the insulting statements, the personal attacks, you know, I don't like the way you look, or I think you're crazy or you're an idiot, and that kind of message, and If you have that going back and forth between politicians. It's very exciting to watch, but it's not the way you want to live, like you wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that, no, and so. So the media image promotes that because it gets attention. It really grabs attention. And I would I would suggest that it's been over the last 30 years approximately, that politics has become more about entertainment than about government. And the values of entertainment are extreme behavior and disrespect and fighting and chaos and crisis and fear, whereas government is when it's running well is boring, is focused on details, focused on people getting along, having their share of responsibility, all of that kind of stuff. So we've turned the. Values of politics upside down, and we think now that's the way. That's what politics is. And it's unfortunate, because government will unravel if we use the entertainment values to govern the country. Of course,   Michael Hingson ** 15:16 there are a number of people, especially in the media, who would say, but all of this sells, newspapers, all of this sells, and that's why we do it. I I submit that that's not necessarily so. But how do you show people that? Yeah, this sells, but don't you think there are other kinds of things that would sell even more   Bill Eddy ** 15:42 well, it's tricky, but one of my goals in writing the book is to teach people self help skills, to monitor their absorption of high emotion media and to be able to set limits on it. Like I don't like to get more than half an hour of news from a screen. I like reading the papers and reading different points of view. And if you watch more than half an hour and you get this coming in your ears and your eyes and all of that, it just takes over your thinking. And actually, the more repetition there is, the more things feel true that are clearly not true, but the way our brains work, repetition tells us what's really true and what's really important. And TV, even radio, can bombard us with false information that starts to feel true because we get so much of it.   Michael Hingson ** 16:40 Yeah, it's it is someone, yes, I hear you, and it's so unfortunate that more people don't tend to be analytical, reflecting introspective. You know, we talked earlier about the book that I'm writing, live like a guide dog, that will be published in August of this year. And one of the things that I point out in the book, for people who want to start to learn to control fear, rather than letting it, as I say, blind you or overwhelm you, or whatever word you want to use, is you need to become more introspective and look at well, why am I afraid of this? Why am I reacting to this? How do I deal with it? And it doesn't take a lot of time every day to do it, but if you do it for a little bit of time every day, the Mind Muscle develops, and you get beyond a lot of that.   Bill Eddy ** 17:34 I think that's a very important point, as we can train ourselves to what to pay attention to, what to ignore, and we can train our self talk like you're saying. That's excellent,   Michael Hingson ** 17:46 yeah, and I think it's it's all about analyzing ourselves. And something that I learned, and I've talked about it a few times on this podcast, one of the things that I did when I was a program director at the campus radio station at UC Irvine, Zot, K, U, C, I was that I would ask people to listen to their shows. So when I was the program director, we would actually record people talking, and I insisted that they take the cassettes home. Remember cassettes? Boy, is that a long time ago,   Bill Eddy ** 18:19 two, wow, back aways, yeah, even   Michael Hingson ** 18:23 pre eight track, but take the cassettes home. Listen to them, because it's something that I did and and as I grew older and became a public speaker, after September 11, I recorded my talk so that I could listen to them. And I said, I do that because I'm my own worst critic. I'm going to be more hard on me than anyone will. And it took until even after the pandemic started, that I finally learned wrong way to look at it. I'm not my own worst critic. I'm my own best teacher. By analyzing and thinking about it and recognizing that I'm my own best teacher, because no one can really teach me anything. They can present me with the information, but I have to teach myself to learn it. So I realize that, and I'm my own best teacher, and I think that works out really well, and it's a lot more positive anyway,   Bill Eddy ** 19:18 right? Great. And that's that's that promotes lifelong learning. I just reading an article about how a lot of people, you know, after a certain amount of time, they feel okay. I got my career, I've done my skills, and now I'm going to kick back. But Lifetime Learning is where it's at. I think it's exciting. It   Michael Hingson ** 19:39 is. I consider life an adventure. I consider the internet a treasure trove of information. And yeah, there's a dark web and and all that. And now, of course, we have AI, and some people want to be negative about that, but if we use it right, and if we develop our own inner structure and. And recognize the value and how to use it. It is, and all of those are characteristics and features that can do nothing but help us.   Bill Eddy ** 20:10 Yeah, they're tools. I like the idea of tools, not rules, so we'll see what we can do with them. But as long as humans are in charge, I think we may be okay. Well,   Michael Hingson ** 20:25 I hope so. Um, Mark Twain once said, I wonder if God had been a man because he was disappointed in the monkeys. But who knows.   Bill Eddy ** 20:35 He wasn't. He was a brilliant guy. He was   Michael Hingson ** 20:39 one of my two favorite people, Mark Twain and Will Rogers, boy. They were very clever. And analysts, you had it figured out. They did, if only we would listen. Well, why did you write the book?   Bill Eddy ** 20:53 Well, I wrote it. I started writing it. The end of 2020, when the pandemic was going strong, and a lot of people, and we were all kind of holed up at home. I had more time to think, because I couldn't travel and teach and do the work I do. But I also, you know, on TV, there was, you know, the the arguments in bullying, frankly, about masks, about vaccines, about the George Floyd murder, about protests against the George Floyd murder, that that it seemed like the country was kind of in a 5050, state of bullying each other, but it wasn't. The number of bullies is actually quite small, but they're getting a high profile, and I wanted to explain that bullies at all levels have the same patterns of behavior, and few people have eye into the workings of families like I've had as a family therapist, as a family mediator and as a Family Lawyer, and few people have had, you know, awareness of workplace bullying like I have training human resources and employee assistance personnel. Likewise, neighbor disputes, because I'd be consulting on a lot of neighbor disputes, and certainly online disputes. So bullying seemed to be happening in all these different places, but most people didn't realize the extent of it, because people kept it private. And I was like, Well, I can see it's the same patterns. And then, you know, Putin invades Ukraine, and I'm going, this guy is like a domestic violence perpetrator. He has the same lack of self awareness and the same blaming personality and so I included on up to politicians and international relations to show I can tell you what the patterns are to look for. So look out for bullies. Don't let them into your life. Spot them and stop them. And I wanted, I wanted the book to really open people's eyes, so to speak to what's going on in the world today that they really haven't been aware of by and large,   Michael Hingson ** 23:13 right? What makes us, especially as adults, susceptible to being bullied?   Bill Eddy ** 23:23 Well, we're not prepared for them, and that's a lot of what I hope to do with the book is help people be prepared so they don't overreact or under react. But I'd say most people are just kind of shocked. Suddenly there's a bully in the office and they're yelling at somebody, and it's like, oh my goodness, I'm, I'm I'm freezing because, you know, I don't know what to do. They're yelling at somebody else, thank goodness, but I'm scared too, or they're yelling at me, and I freeze because I don't know what to do. So I think what happens is people are just really unprepared. On the other hand, most people are nice people. Let's say 80% of people are nice people. They don't like to interrupt people, even when they're masking saying nasty comments. They don't like to just walk away from a conversation, even if the conversation is really hurtful and abusive, and so people aren't used to being assertive against a bully, because they're used to everybody being reasonable, and so that's why they catch us by surprise and And we're not ready for them.   Michael Hingson ** 24:39 I subscribe to a service out here called next door, which is also in San Diego, and it's a way to really keep up with what's going on in the community. And I've seen a number of posts where something happened and people suddenly say. I'm surprised that never happens in this area, and that just isn't true anymore,   Bill Eddy ** 25:08 right, anywhere, anywhere,   Michael Hingson ** 25:13 and it's so unfortunate that we don't learn to look out for all of this. I think, yeah, go   Bill Eddy ** 25:23 ahead. I just gonna say, I think that's that's what has to change, is we do have to be aware, not paranoid about it around every corner, but aware that this is going to come your way. I like to say, I think everyone's going to have a bully in their life sooner rather than later, but if you're prepared and you manage it well, they're not going to get very deep into your life and will probably move on. So I do think that's coming. Sorry. I interrupted. No,   Michael Hingson ** 25:54 no, no, no, no, you did No, you were right. Tell me what are some of the warning signs that you're dealing with a bully?   Bill Eddy ** 26:00 Well, first of all that the person goes beyond the normal social boundaries and keep going like they don't stop themselves. So an unrestrained pattern of behavior. When you start thinking to yourself, Well, I'm sure he'll come to his senses soon, or I'm sure she'll realize how destructive she's being. The problem is the answer that is not necessarily, probably not. Another way that's really quite simple is when a bully starts, when a person starts criticizing your intelligence, your morals, your sanity, your appearance, your existence. When they make it personal is a real sign they've crossed the line, and now you're dealing with a bully. Because bullies make it personal. They want a one down relationship. They want you to they want to dominate you. And so that's one of the easiest ways to recognize, is the way they talk to you, talking down to you like that. And they may say that you're you're being obnoxious and you have a problem. And they might even say, Stop bullying me. Stop bullying me, Bill, and I'm not bullying them. I'm saying they need to stop what they're doing with me, and they'll say, You're the bully. So playing the victim is another way projecting what they're doing onto the other person, like, stop bullying me. Bill, I'm not bullying you. I'm setting limits on your bullying of me. Well, I would never bully you, Bill. And then they keep projecting what they're doing onto me, and they may point to other people around us and say, See how Bill's treating me, you know, and they play the victim. And next thing you know, the whole people around think that I'm being a bad guy, and they get away with it that way because they're really good at projection and good at playing the victim. So these are some of the patterns. How do   Michael Hingson ** 28:10 you deal with that, though? Well, you   Bill Eddy ** 28:14 first of all need to be taken assertive approach, so don't become aggressive and start yelling at them. No, you really are bullying me. You're a real jerk. Instead, you say that's not true. And if other people are around, you say, just, everybody know it's not true. I'm trying to set limits on his behavior towards me, because he's really harassing me. And so explain what's happening. Be assertive, so you stick up for yourself, but don't be aggressive, because now it looks like you are being the bully. And some some people asked me on one of the interviews I had, the guy said, at what point do you punch the bully in the nose? And I said, Well, you're going to have that thought, but don't act on it, because when you do that, now you look like the bully. So you don't want to be aggressive, but you don't want to be passive and let them just pick on you and run you into the ground. You want to say, Hey, that's not okay, or I'm going to end this conversation. So you assert yourself to protect yourself without trying to harm the other person, and that's what assertive is. So I really recommend the assertive approach.   Michael Hingson ** 29:33 And again, it gets back to you have to learn to understand and assess yourself and develop the tools that will allow you to do that   Bill Eddy ** 29:46 exactly and and strengthen yourself where you're not experienced or not skilled, and learn the skills to protect yourself. I think it's you know, all of us. Most of us grew up maintaining ourselves, not being too extreme, and yet sticking up for ourselves and being self managed. But bullies aren't self managed, so we're going to have to manage them for them. And so that's the new age we're in. The new world we're in is we need skills to manage bullies, and we can develop those, and that's part of what I talk about at the end of the book. The last chapter is a lot of skills that people can learn to manage bullies and protect themselves.   Michael Hingson ** 30:38 Well, how did you you've talked about a little bit, but I'd love to to learn a little bit more about how did you really end up deciding that this was a calling that you had to deal with and that you've devoted so much time to? I think it really   Bill Eddy ** 30:54 got started as a as a workplace endeavor when I went from being a therapist to being a lawyer, so I wanted to do mediation and conflict resolution, and went to law school, and when I started practicing law after 12 years as a therapist, including in psychiatric hospitals, I started seeing the same behavior in family court. You know there be mom and dad are fighting over custody of their child, and the judge is listening to their arguments and looking frustrated. And I'm going, Well, the problem here is one of the parents probably has a personality disorder, and so they're not really being that sensitive to the child and and the other parent seems to be pretty reasonable, but you don't know, sometimes people that look reasonable might be like anti social under the surface. And so I started noticing and paying attention to these behavior patterns and how they showed up as high conflict families, and that's the term that the courts were using high conflict families. So I started saying, You shouldn't talk about high conflict families. Should talk about high conflict personalities, because not everybody in the family necessarily has that. Maybe it's Mom, maybe it's dad, like, say, a domestic violence case, dad might have a borderline personality or an anti social personality, and that's driving his violent behavior, and yet he's conning the court by saying, look at her, she's a mess, and everything I'm doing is just fine. I'm the reasonable person here, but they're not behind the scenes, and so there'd be these patterns of behavior, and I said, courts got to figure this stuff out, otherwise you're punishing the victim of a domestic violence perpetrator unfairly and unhelpfully, and you're teaching the child that this behavior is acceptable. So I had all this information that I knew from having been, you know, a therapist, a licensed clinical social worker, and I found myself applying it to family court cases, and wanting to educate other lawyers, judges, mediators and therapists about these dynamics in family court. And that's when I started writing about high conflict personalities and eventually talking more about bullies who are the most high conflict personalities. So that's kind of how that evolved. That was 1993 is when I became I started practicing family law after 12 years as a therapist. And so that's when this stuff really opened my eyes, to wait a minute, people don't realize what they're dealing with, and they're not going to solve this with a child support order. They're going to have to, you know, get somebody some treatment or understand that there's these personalities driving behavior, rather than legal issues   Michael Hingson ** 34:20 you have developed, I think, or have begun creating, something called the new ways for families. Method, Yes, uh huh. Tell me about that. I read that in your bio, and that sounded pretty fascinating, yeah,   Bill Eddy ** 34:35 and I'm pretty proud of it. So we started high conflict Institute in 2008 myself and a colleague, Megan Hunter, and we wanted to educate family law professionals, but we also wanted to help parents in high conflict, divorces and custody disputes. And so I developed a counseling method. A specific to divorcing parents with disputes over their children. And I, I was speaking at a conference of judges, and they said, What kind of counseling order should we make for these high conflict families to get them out of court and settling down, and they said, Well, you can't do the traditional counseling where you say talk about your feelings, because people with high conflict personalities will talk about their feelings forever without changing anything. So you want them to learn new ways of doing things. And so we decided we're going to call the method new ways for families and six counseling sessions focused on learning four big skills, flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behavior and checking yourself rather than being busy checking everybody else. And so we we got that the judges to start ordering that, and we said, order both parents to learn these skills so you don't picking a bad guy. It's going to help both parents, whoever's you know, maybe it's a domestic violence case, they get domestic violence treatment, but also learn these skills so they can work together. Cases where a child resists being with the other parent because of one parent bad mathing the other parent interfering, what they call alienation, or parental alienation. So all of these could be benefited by this counseling approach. Short term, six individual sessions, three parent child sessions for each parent, and we started seeing cases stay out of court that used to keep coming back. We saw people calming down. The judges really liked that. We created an online class to teach those same skills in 12 sessions. Then we developed coaching, three coaching sessions with the online class to make to give a chance to practice, but keep the cost down, because just three sessions, and so that's that's been evolving since 2009 so for the last 15 years, and we estimate about eight or 9000 parents have gone through learning these skills, some better than others, but enough that the judges think they're worthwhile, and they keep ordering this. But this is it depends on where there's trained counselors or coaches to get the more intensive approach. But the online class is available anywhere worldwide, so judges sometimes just order that from, you know, maybe they're in Utah or something. And there's no counselors that we've trained there yet. They can always order the online class. And I think they actually are, because I spoke in Utah a month ago about this. So that's that's the method, and I feel pretty proud of it. Well,   Michael Hingson ** 38:18 it it's understandable, and I can appreciate why you're why you're excited about doing it, and that it's that it's clearly working. What are some really good examples of how successful the whole method and the whole process has been? You have some good stories about it.   Bill Eddy ** 38:40 Yeah. So one of my favorite examples, it's a case where a 15 year old girl refused to see her father after the divorce, and it seemed like a case where mom had been saying enough negative things, the girl absorbed that and then said, I don't want to see dad, and mom tolerated that, but of course, dad didn't. So took mom to court and told the judge, Mom's doing something to make the girl not come. So rather than deciding that mom's all bad, the judge said, well, then I want to order new ways for families, and that's six individual counseling sessions and three parent child sessions, so judge orders that and each of the parents goes through six counseling sessions with a workbook, so it focuses them on learning particular skills, to manage their emotions, To keep their thinking flexible, to moderate their behavior, like we teach them how to write emails so that they're reasonable instead of escalating conflict. And so they both went through that individual then it's time for the parent child sessions, and since Mom was the favorite parent. Parent, we had the parent child counselor meet with mom and the child first, and Mom taught the girl about flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behavior and checking yourself, and then prepared the girl with the counselor for the next week when she's going to meet with dad and so who she hasn't seen for a year and says she hates him, but there's no real, clear reason for that, and that's why it might be alienation. It might be the bad mouthing that got absorbed by the girl. So the next week, mom brings the girl to the counseling center, and girl agrees to go in and meets dad and the counselor and sits down, and the girl tells dad that he's a horrible person. He's ruined her life. He's done everything wrong and just this whole list of awfuls. And because he's been through the counseling method, he listens quietly and attentively, and then he says, Thank you. And she says, What do you mean? Thank you. I just said, you're a terrible person. And he says, I said, Thank you. Because I'm glad that we're talking. I think this is good. This is good for us to be talking. Is there more that you want to tell me, and I guess there was some more. And then basically they reconciled and agreed that they would have dinner together once a week. Now it wasn't a 5050, parenting plan like he would have preferred, but, and I don't know where it went from there, but he did have regular dinners with her, and they communicated. So it reconnected their relationship, and so it gave a structure for that to happen in, and that's what new ways for families does not every case where someone a child resists a parent has worked with new ways for families that, you know, one parent has found a way to sabotage it and block it, but by and large, we've had, had some, some good success with moderate cases like that.   Michael Hingson ** 42:16 Yeah, well, one of the questions that comes to mind, as you've talked about, excuse me, high conflict personalities. Is that something that can actually be fixed? Can people get over having to always be in conflict like that? It   Bill Eddy ** 42:36 really depends, I think, a lot, on which of the personalities. So I think I mentioned Cluster B personality disorders, borderline, narcissistic, anti social, histrionic. So borderline personality disorder, people are hearing more about that, where they have wide mood swings, sudden, intense anger, fear of abandonment, all of that. And this used to be thought of as primarily women, but it's now seen as probably about half and half. And men who are physically abusive often have this personality style, and they strike out because they're afraid they're losing their partner, which of course, makes their partner want to leave a little bit more, but that's one of the more treatable personalities. And there's a method called DBT dialectical behavior therapy, which is having some good success at treating people with borderline personality disorder. So there's that at the other extreme is anti social personality disorder, which is the hardest one to treat, and I don't know of a consistently successful method that treats and that's like maybe 40% of prisoners have that personality, they get out of prison and they commit another crime, been back back in prison, they have a pattern of behavior, which is what a personality disorder is, is it's a stuck pattern of behavior, just enduring and repeating and all of that. So I would say people with that personality is extremely unlikely they're going to change. But people with borderline, there is hope for and many people outgrow the diagnosis after going through DBT. So that's the most hopeful and the least hopeful range. Narcissists and histrionics are somewhere in the middle of that? Yeah,   Michael Hingson ** 44:44 well, something that comes to mind, I kind of think I know the answer, but it's still a question worth asking. Colleges and universities are made up of lots of people who are studying supposed to be pretty intelligent and so on, but we have bullies there. Why? You.   Bill Eddy ** 44:59 I think because we have them everywhere. So if, say 10% five to 10% of people are bullies, I think you're going to see them in colleges. Has nothing to do with intelligence. They may be brilliant bullies and very not smart bullies. So the whole range of severity exists. I think that college and other organizations like so, higher education, health care, churches, synagogues, mosques, that these are welcoming communities. These are helping communities. And so bullies get away with more in these kinds of communities because everybody's trying to be nice and bending over backwards to give them another chance. And so not to say they shouldn't get another chance, but they shouldn't get another chance and another chance and another chance and another chance. That's the thing I preach against. You give somebody a chance. If it the same problem comes up twice, what is it? Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me. I got to do something if it's happening again, because that means it's a pattern, and especially if there was consequences for the first time and they still did it again, that's a sign this may be behavior that's going to be resistant to change   Michael Hingson ** 46:37 well, and that makes perfect sense. It's kind of where I thought you'd probably go with it, but it does make perfect sense. And there, as you've said, there are bullies everywhere. And the reality is we're, we're going to find that there are just some people who are going to be bullies.   Bill Eddy ** 46:58 I think that's the answer that it's kind of sad to come to that conclusion, but it's also enlightening, because then, you know, you can't just change them. This pattern is so stuck, so persistent, they have to have a different approach. You can't talk them out of it. Yeah,   Michael Hingson ** 47:20 and there's something to be said for love, but at the same time, you need to learn to control you and your situations. And   Bill Eddy ** 47:31 yeah, it's kind of the tough love concept.   Michael Hingson ** 47:37 What do you do if your supervisor is a bully? We talked a little bit about bullies in the office and so on. But what if it's your boss who is the bully?   Bill Eddy ** 47:46 I think that you know, to some extent, if you can be assertive and say, you know, boss, you just gave me three assignments that are all due on Friday, and realistically, I can only get one of them done. Which one is the priority that you kind of assert yourself without trying to dominate your boss or alienate your boss. So you say something like, you know, can you give me some guidance here with these three projects, I can only get one done. Maybe someone else could help with another. So speaking up, presenting options, and say, you know that's one possibility. Another is you could give me overtime, and I'm willing to stay late if there's overtime. What? Whatever you may be able to speak up to some extent. But what we get a lot of our consultations are people that it's way beyond that the boss is just really out to get them, maybe trying to push them out of the team. And so we talk about who else you can go to, and it may be HR, it may be another department head. One of the things I say is make sure you start talking to somebody, maybe a friend, family member, so you're not just stewing in the fact that you're being bullied because people's self esteem just really goes down if they don't feel safe to talk to anybody. You talk to somebody and they say, oh, yeah, that happened to me once. That's terrible. You know, you shouldn't have to go through that. Let's talk about what you can do well that helps people feel a whole lot better, that there isn't something about them that makes them be the target of a bully. A lot of people think, you know, what did I do to cause this? And you didn't do anything. Bullies pick on everybody, but they keep picking on the people that let them,   Michael Hingson ** 49:52 and that's the real key, isn't it? It's all about you let them do it. You don't find ways to deal with. The issue, and the result is they're going to continue to do it, because they can   Bill Eddy ** 50:04 Right exactly. And people get depressed. They get stomach aches, headaches, they can't sleep, they avoid coming into work, they get disciplined, they get in trouble themselves. And that's a lot of why I wrote the book to help people know, you know, no one deserves to be bullied. This is wrong. This shouldn't be happening to you. Now look at what your choices are, what your options are.   Michael Hingson ** 50:32 We have an ever increasing number of startup companies in in the world, and more entrepreneurs or starting their own companies and so on. And so why is it that a lot of startups have a high powered innovator, or someone at the top like that, who is a bully?   Bill Eddy ** 50:54 It seems to be that the personality of entrepreneurs that go getter startup includes a lot of the ingredients of personalities, of bullies. So first of all, believing that your ideas are superior, that no matter what other people think you should keep going, that you're smarter than all of them. Don't stop because the first two people said this was a dumb idea, and so they kind of have some insulation against that, that they're willing to persist, you know, I know this is a good idea, but they can also be aggressive. So they're out there approaching, you know, venture capitalists and and people to endorse them, people to do what they say, people to give them a lot of money so they have. They're skilled at presenting their ideas aggressively and probably an exaggerated belief in themselves. But that seems to work in the startup business, people are persuaded by charm and intelligence and go, Oh, this guy just seems really brilliant. Well, that's because he told you he's brilliant. He's actually a bully. And there are stories like that, like what we saw, and I talk about it in my book with Theranos, the blood draw sis and it really wasn't what it was made out to be. It was a brilliant idea, but they couldn't implement it, but they pretended that they could, and so they got lots of money, lots of respect, write ups in the big magazines. Elizabeth Holmes was seen as the next Steve Jobs. She lowered her voice. She was a con artist. She may have believed in her product, but she was willing to bend so many rules that she ended up going to prison. But entrepreneurs have that drive and that persuasion and persistence and aggressiveness, and that works with getting a startup going, but it often doesn't work with maintaining a company and an organization. And I spoke to investors for startups, mostly healthcare startups and and they said, we've got a lot of bullies here. What? What do we do? We gave them some tools and tips for how to manage, you know, soothe their ego by setting limits on them and and to spot them sooner and decide, can should we invest with this person, or are they over the top? So it's a it's a particular field where having having an almost bully personality is successful, but having a bully personality eventually blows up. So   Michael Hingson ** 53:57 since you mentioned him, just out of curiosity was Steve Jobs a bully.   Bill Eddy ** 54:01 I think he was, and I think he was successful because of his management team, because they did, in fact, learn how to set limits on him and rein in his worst behaviors. Because, like, There's one story, and I think I have it in the book, where he was going to fire a division of 200 people because the project wasn't coming along fast enough. And so he's like, I'm going to fire them. They're useless, they're idiots, they're terrible. And someone on the management team says, Hey, Steve, let's go for a walk. Let's go for a walk, because he liked to go for walks and talks. So they go for a walk, and an hour later, they come back, and he's not going to fire anybody. He's just going to give them some more specific instructions. And so he. His worst behaviors were restrained by his management team. And I think that's that's a work but at any given time, things were on the verge of blowing up. And he did get fired as the head of Apple right 1990s but they helped him enough, he was reigned in enough that he was successful in the 2000s hugely, six. I mean, I don't know if they're the biggest value company right now, but I think when he died, they were probably the most valuable company. So, yeah, this can happen. But the key is that he was restrained by his management team, and unrestrained bully is going to cause   Michael Hingson ** 55:49 damage. I wonder though, if, as he matured, if he did, I'm assuming that he did actually, if some of the bullying tendencies really did go away, and then he changed a little bit at least, of of how he functioned. I mean, clearly he was a strong personality, right? And clearly he was the innovator of so many products. And so I can see where personality might get in the way, because he wants it done now. He wants it done this way. But I wonder if over time, he became a little bit less of of a bully, and maybe it was just the management restraint, or maybe that was a part of it, but it's I think you're right. Probably was a little bit better as time went on. I think you're   Bill Eddy ** 56:38 right, because when he came back to Apple after he was fired and tried some other projects, I think that he learned to focus more and to be a little less disrespectful. And I remember I read his biography, I think of Walter Isaacson, and my conclusion was that he was definitely narcissistic, but I don't think he had a narcissistic personality disorder, which is an enduring pattern of self defeating behavior. I think he had traits and that he learned to manage those traits primarily because his management team, people around him taught him he needs to restrain those so he's an example of where you can have someone with a bullying personality and rein them in and have them be quite successful. So I think that's what happened there,   Michael Hingson ** 57:39 and he would see that, in fact, it worked to change how you're operating a little bit. And maybe it was, maybe it was always underneath. But at the same time, he learned that, hey, working the way I've been isn't really as effective as what I'm seeing happen when I operate this way. Yeah,   Bill Eddy ** 58:01 what's interesting about him is he was particularly collaborative. So he liked working with other people. He liked he liked people with pushback, people that would disagree, present another point of view. So they could, they could go back and forth, although if other people had a really brilliant idea, he started thinking it was his idea. Yeah, but he he really had had an ability to work with other people that a lot of bullies don't have. And I think that may be why you're quite right, that he did mature some he did restrain himself a little more and became able to be brilliant. Imagine how many other brilliant people might really contribute if they had that balance of a really good management team to rein them in, but some of our most narcissistic individuals don't pay attention and often ruin, ruin their own creations. I think of like Enron, as our company that was brilliant, but probably had two people with personality disorders on top, one anti social and one narcissistic, and they reinforced each other's bad traits. And I think that's why that went off the rails. Yeah,   Michael Hingson ** 59:29 well, and the, the other thing that comes to mind is, then you have another very successful person, Bill Gates, yeah, and I don't, I don't know. Do you think that he was a bully?   Bill Eddy ** 59:43 I think that he certainly engaged in bullying behavior when he was the head of Microsoft. And I remember hearing about, I don't know if it was a recording or a transcript in a book, but he was at a meeting, and he was just very distant. Painful to the thinking of other people in the meeting, like, like, almost ready to, like, drive them out of the room. And you know, what are you doing here? You're an idiot and stuff like that. And I must say, I read Paul Allen's book, which was idea, man, I think, is what it was called, and and he, he had enough examples in there that I think Bill Gates was also a bully. But I think that again, there was enough of a management team to keep him from destroying what he was building. And I must say, one of his most brilliant decisions was marrying Melinda French, and she turned him into a philanthropist. And he's donated, you know, billions of dollars, but he's also created things to help poor people. He's He's fought malaria, I think, and trying to get toilets where you don't have electricity, but you can have self managed toilets. And he's in, he's put energy into these projects. So I would say, somehow the edge, the bullying edge, was taken off, so he actually could work with other people and and have some empathy for them. So again, he might be someone who didn't have a personality disorder, but may have had some traits, but somehow the balance worked out, and the more people realize that you may have brilliant people around you, if you can rein them in enough, we may have a better society because of some of these difficult people.   Michael Hingson ** 1:01:53 Well, clearly, Bill Gates had a very strong personality and and that's fine, but I do agree, I don't think that he really was a bully as such, in the way that we view it, for a lot of people as we've been discussing it, it doesn't mean that he didn't ever have any bullying kinds of behavior, but overall, he was successful, and is successful. And as you said, marrying Melinda has certainly made a significant difference in his outlook, and he's doing such great work, and you can't argue with that.   Bill Eddy ** 1:02:28 Yeah, and the fact that he's now divorced from Belinda, and I think that might have been more her idea than his, he still seems to be continuing on with his uh, philanthropy and doing works to help health health care, especially for people in really poor countries. So I think, and she changed his personality maybe a teeny little bit, and   Michael Hingson ** 1:02:54 climate change and climate   Bill Eddy ** 1:02:56 change for sure. Yeah, he's a big picture guy. He's one of our most deepest thinkers in the big picture, and we need people like that. So my goal isn't to eliminate bullies, it's to restrain them enough so they don't harm other people, but ideally, contribute to society   Michael Hingson ** 1:03:19 and they can. And it's a process. Well, this has been fun. I want to thank you for being here and talking about all this is, How do other people deal with it when they see somebody being bullied?   Bill Eddy ** 1:03:34 Well, bystanders need to speak up more and be assertive as well, and that's part of the cover of my book. Is a bully fish chasing a little fish who's about to grab and eat but gets distracted by a whole school of little fish chasing behind him who look bigger than him. And that's the bystanders. And bystanders need to speak up and say, hey, that's enough, Joe, or hey, that's enough, Jane. Or cut it out. Leave her alone. That when people do that, bullies often stop because they think they're getting away with something, or they're not even thinking they're just automatically bullying somebody. And when that happens, they realize, uh oh, my public may not be happy with me, and I don't want to alienate my public so you can have an influence as a bystander, and are encouraged to be assertive and not intimidated. And the more bystanders support each other, that much easier it is to stop bullies.   Michael Hingson ** 1:04:43 Good advice and so cool. Well, again, I want to thank you for being here. This has been great. I hope all of you listening out there have found a lot of good tools that you can take away and use. Lot of good life lessons here by any standard you. I really so I really appreciate you taking the time to be with Bill and me today on unstoppable mindset. Love to get your thoughts, so please feel free to email me. Michael h i at accessibe, A, C, C, E, S, S, I, B, e.com, or go to our podcast page, www, dot Michael hingson.com/podcast, and Michael Hinkson is spelled M, I, C, H, A, E, L, H, I N, G, s, O, N, Michael hingson.com/podcast, and wherever you are, give us a five star rating. We love those ratings on the podcast. We appreciate that, and would greatly value you you doing that. And again, your thoughts and for all of you, including Bill, if you know of anyone else who ought to be a guest on unstoppable mindset, we'd love to hear from you. We don't really tend to discriminate and say, Oh, that's a bad idea just just saying bill, but so we'd love to really hear about more people you think ought to be, whoever you are on the podcast, and we will talk with them and make a plan to go forward with them. So don't ever hesitate to point out someone who you think ought to come on and again. Bill, I want to thank you one last time for being here. This has been a lot of fun, and we appreciate your time today. Well,   Bill Eddy ** 1:06:21 thanks so much, Michael. I've really enjoyed it too. We got into some stuff deeper than I have in some of my other interviews. So we really covered the covered the gamut. And I think, I think people will find that this is a topic that becomes more and more relevant every year. So thanks for getting the word out there   Michael Hingson ** 1:06:41 well, and I hope that people will buy your book and and all that too. Yeah, we have to get the book sales out there, right.   Bill Eddy ** 1:06:49 That's right. Thank you for that.   Michael Hingson ** 1:06:57 You have been listening to the Unstoppable Mindset podcast. Thanks for dropping by. I hope that you'll join us again next week, and in future weeks for upcoming episodes. To subscribe to our podcast and to learn about upcoming episodes, please visit www dot Michael hingson.com slash podcast. Michael Hingson is spelled m i c h a e l h i n g s o n. While you're on the site., please use the form there to recommend people who we ought to interview in upcoming editions of the show. And also, we ask you and urge you to invite your friends to join us in the future. If you know of any one or any organization needing a speaker for an event, please email me at speaker at Michael hingson.com. I appreciate it very much. To learn more about the concept of blinded by fear, please visit www dot Michael hingson.com forward slash blinded by fear and while you're there, feel free to pick up a copy of my free eBook entitled blinded by fear. The unstoppable mindset podcast is provided by access cast an initiative of accessiBe and is sponsored by accessiBe. Please visit www.accessibe.com . AccessiBe is spelled a c c e s s i b e. There you can learn all about how you can make your website inclusive for all persons with disabilities and how you can help make the internet fully inclusive by 2025. Thanks again for Listening. Please come back and visit us again next week.

No matter what, you are going to encounter conflict. It's not an “if”, it's a “when” conflicts occur. Do you find yourself avoiding conflict and confrontation at all costs and sweeps things under the rug? This oftentimes builds up and leads to resentment. In this episode, April Miller, a licensed Christian counselor offers professional advice and expertise on conflict communication and healthy boundaries. Get ready to face the friction!#conflictcommunication #conflict #conflictresolution 

Let us hear from you!In this one-episode break from our current series on Separation Anxiety in children, we replay one of our most popular episodes from 2023. Linda and I discuss a Redit post in which a mother asks for advice about how to communicate with her high conflict coparent. Next week we'll return to our series with an episode defining and describing separation anxiety, particularly in children living in two homes.Thanks for listening!  If you have questions, comments, or concerns, please email us at podcast@coparentacademy.comTo see our courses, visit https://coparentacademy.com

I am happy to replay this wonderful podcast from August of 2022. My interview with Lauren Amaro brings a unique blend of research, spiritual wisdom, and practicality to this podcast. She looks at herself and encourages us to look at ourselves in the areas of control, comparison, healthy and unhealthy goals, what gets in the way of our kids' progress and teaching our kids purpose. 0:00 Introduction 4:20 A look at control and comparison 7:35 Goals for our kids from infancy to adulthood 10:44 What gets in the way of our goals? 16:01 Our kids' differences and delaying adulthood 16:50 Teaching our kids purpose 20:40 Closing Lauren Amaro is an associate professor of Communication at Pepperdine University. As a Ph.D. professor, she researches, studies, and teaches topics such as Communication and Conflict Communication, Research Methods, Family Communication, and Interpersonal Communication. During this interview, she talks about the damage that comparison can do and how to help our kids find purpose, both of which are themes of my picture book, Mr. Blue- a Job for You. I am offering a free video reading of this book by me (the author) at https://www.kidstrength4life.com/mr-blue-reading. Be sure to subscribe by hitting the "subscribe" button where you listen to your podcasts. That way you will find your way back easily for the second half of this interview. You won't want to miss it! For more opportunities, check out https://kidstrength4life.com

In this episode, K+L sit down with Danielle Bayard Jackson, female friendship coach and educator who speaks nationally about the science of women's platonic connections. Together, the trio uncovers the essential elements that make for deep, meaningful female friendships.  Embark on a journey through the stages of friendship, from initial infatuation to a more profound acceptance of each other's differences. Plus, Danielle reveals the #1 way to build trust among women and reveals the unexpected reason why conflict actually strengthens bonds.  Danielle also sheds light on social media's impact on friendships, and how it can perpetuate a culture of exclusion and misunderstanding. If you are striving for more vulnerability and realness in your female friendships, this episode is a must-listen for you and your girl gang! We also talk about: How to recognize and address imbalances in friendships The importance of maintaining deep connections, especially for women Strategies for improving friendship dynamics The role of platonic intimacy in allowing friends to fully be themselves The cultural shift towards low-maintenance friendships and its implications How traumatic experiences with friends can influence current friendship perceptions The impact of mother-daughter relationships on female friendship dynamics Navigating the transition of friendships during significant life changes like marriage or motherhood Resources: Instagram: @daniellebayardjackson, @friendforward TikTok: @thefriendshipexpert Website: www.betterfemalefriendships.com Fighting for Our Friendships book pre-order: Amazon and/or Target Sponsors: Seed | Go to Seed.com/ALMOST and use code 25ALMOST to get 25% off your first month. nuuly | Go to nuuly.com and get 20% off your first month of Nuuly when you sign up with the code ALMOST30. Superhuman | Head to activations.com/almost30 to get the deal of the century on their membership. They rarely do discounts, and they've given our listeners an amazing deal, over 60% off memberships. The offer is only available through their website, not the App Store. That's activations.com/almost30. Biosil | Get 30% off your first product order on Biosil's website with code ALMOST30. To advertise on our podcast, please reach out to sales@advertisecast.com or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/Almost30.  Learn More: almost30.com/learn almost30.com/morningmicrodose almost30.com/courses  Join our community: almost30.com/membership facebook.com/Almost30podcast/groups Podcast disclaimer can be found by visiting: almost30.com/disclaimer.  Find more to love at almost30.com! Almost 30 is edited by Garett Symes and Isabella Vaccaro.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Jayson and Ellen discuss conflict, communication, and problem-solving versus understanding. What's the issue with being a conflict-avoidant couple? When is it appropriate to problem-solve and offer advice to a long-term partner? Can excessive understanding become problematic? Tune in to hear Ellen and Jayson offer a few simple strategies that you can use to resolve your communication issues. Timestamps: 1:51 - Avoiding Conflict 11:21 - Solving communication problems 17:04 - Problem solving vs understanding 20:28 - The conflict-repair cycle 22:31 - Taking action vs understanding Links: Enroll in Relationship Mastery Follow Jayson on social media: Instagram YouTube LinkedIn TikTok

Nowhere is planning more important than when we are trying to communicate in the midst of big emotions or conflict. And today, we dig into the idea of using scripts or planning what you want to say and how you want to say it.As ADR specialists, we've seen hundreds of conversations and negotiations go off the rails because one party failed to be intentional about their communication. We both spend quite a bit of time with clients working on their conflict communication skills by identifying goals, developing strategies, and crafting scripts.In today's episode, we review the 4 basic communication styles and introduce a 3-step strategy you can use yourself or with clients to communicate assertively, set boundaries, de-escalate conflict, and protect your peace.Get ready to learn about the life-changing power of:ScriptSpeakStopDoes this 3-step strategy guarantee your client will get the response they are hoping for? No, not at all. But it does mean that they can walk away from the conversation with their self-respect, boundaries, and power intact. And that's everything.Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

Marriage takes work! That is the lesson Nate Quigley shared the first time he was on The MomForce Podcast. For round two, Vanessa and Nate dig deep into their marriage, and what has worked and what hasn't! They open up about how good communication helps them navigate conflict while fostering greater connection. Nate shares why "birding" is his favorite date night activity and Vanessa tells why she has fully embraced it over the years. They also weigh in on the worst marriage advice they were ever given. Tune in to hear the Quigleys share the ups and downs of their relationship and how they just launched a new app to help strengthen families called Hey Fam! This episode originally aired in February of 2023.  Use code: MOMFORCE for 20% off your first Chatbooks order!  Follow Vanessa Follow Audrey Follow Chatbooks Try out HeyFam our new family chat app

Michael Ashford – finding your calling, the psychology of conflict communication, and how journalism can change to be more effective

In this episode hosted by Maurice Harker, Director of Life Changing Services, Claire shares powerful strategies for navigating conflicts in real-time. Through visual tools and discernment techniques, she unveils methods to categorize thoughts during heated moments, initiating protocols for graceful retreat or sensitive communication. Maurice emphasizes the importance of scripting responses and recognizing psychological resilience in managing toxic interactions. Together, they explore the significance of pre-planning reactions and resilient forgiveness, likening the process to scriptwriting or musical composition, offering listeners a comprehensive guide to handling conflicts with grace and emotional intelligence. Want to read more about this topic? ⁠⁠⁠https://www.lifechangingservices.org/improving-intimacy-in-your-marriage/⁠⁠ Rather Watch Something? ⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfBZj-uCiGI&t=3s⁠⁠ Check out the Marriage Repair Workshops: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.lifechangingservices.org/marriage-repair/

We meet with author, executive coach, and leadership consultant, Dean Heffta - and discuss everything from strategies for communicating better to the impacts of COV*D on interpersonal relationships.“How We Connect” by Mickael Dufourneaud and Den Heffta - https://amzn.to/3QLnIAN“Communication on Point” - hosted by Dean Hefftahttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/communication-on-point/id1500314165The Chasing Mountains PodcastDave Rumer / Jacob ColganThe thoughts and opinions on this show do not reflect those of our advertisers, partners, or other affiliates. The content should not be considered legal or financial advice. The Chasing Mountains Podcast is a production of Chasing Mountains Media. Copyright 2023.

In this solo episode, I give you a behind-the-scenes look at what went into my new book, Can I Ask A Question?   I reveal the themes and principles that inspired the book, which includes my ASK then SEE method of communicating through conflict.   My book is available for preorder at https://michaelashford.com/caniaskaquestion until Sept. 20, 2023. The book will be publicly available in mid-October.

The #1 topic request I've received on this podcast has been people asking for an episode discussing marriage. Committed long term relationships can be some of the most meaningful and most difficult things to navigate all at the same time.  I couldn't do this theme solo so my guest is the LOML, Aaron Weits - my husband of nearly 11 years, lover for 16 years and best friend for 18 years. We both are currently tied on the # of weddings we have been asked to officiate and, because of that, it means we have facilitated pre-marital counseling for a half a dozen couples. We broke down our 3 month curriculum into the highest level concepts to discuss either prior to getting married or after you've already tied the knot.  This first episode is all about conflict, communication & expectations and I hope you find some value in it.  What do you do when you disagree?  What are some boundaries to have in place during conflict? How do you break out of a pattern of scorekeeping with one another?  Stay tuned for the second part of this “free marriage counseling” series which covers money & sex! --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/haven-the-podcast/support

Before you get duped, just know I warned you. This is not my regular content. This is an episode of my other podcast, Blended & Shook. I wanted to give you the opportunity to hear it.  Blended & Shook focuses on blending a family. Today we talked about kids perceiving things as bullying, a conflict my wife and I had, miscommunication etc.  I'd love for you to give it a listen and text BLENDED to 66866 if you'd like more information about our other content. Otherwise, move along...

If you've got a case of the Processes-Blues, the Doctor is in, and he will see you now.   Dr. Zach Schaefer (dubbed the Process Expert by Luigi) is a management consultant, leadership coach, and award-winning professional speaker who advises companies on strategy execution and communication. Through his consulting firm, Spark The Discussion, he and his team of expert coaches and consultants have provided solutions to hundreds of companies. With a “Hire to Retire” approach, they help solve the challenges that most businesses will face in due course, including conflict management, organization, leadership development, and workplace culture.    For Zach, the key to his success is communication. Even from a young age, he recognized its critical role in every area of our lives. Whether it's having tough conversations with employees, knowing how to hold people accountable, building trust within relationships, or creating company culture, it all comes down to how you communicate it.    If you're struggling with strategy, execution, communication, objectivity, conflict, planning, leadership, or operations within your business, don't miss this episode for some solid, actionable advice you can start today - and how Spark The Discussion can help you in the future.   Episode Highlights: Is there such a thing as “Perfect Process?” What is Intentional Retention How to separate business from relationships (especially when family is involved) How to keep employees accountable Why a third-party mediator is critical Pros and cons of outsourcing vs. hiring in-house staff Why company culture starts with leadership The importance of clarifying consequences Succession planning strategy   Favorite Quote: “You can't be objective when your money, your family, or your business is on the line. You need somebody else who's not tied to any of that.” Connect with Zach: https://www.sparkthediscussion.com https://www.linkedin.com/in/zschaefer https://twitter.com/sparksolver https://www.newstorynewscore.com/   Stay Connected: Connect with Matt and Luigi on Instagram: @matthew.r.meehan @luigi_rosabianca @theLiquidLunchProject @ShieldAdvisoryGroup. Visit The Liquid Lunch Project website and subscribe to The Weekly, our Friday morning newsletter, for all the latest in the world of finance, tech, small business, and more. www.theliquidlunchproject.com Make sure you never miss an episode — check out The Liquid Lunch Project on Apple Podcasts, and don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review.

Mom has a high conflict coparent who is rude and mean in his communication with her. Mom feels anxious about communicating with Dad and asks for advice on how to deal with her high conflict coparent.Visit coparentacademy.com to see all available courses and discounted course bundles.  Our Foundations Bundle at Coparent Academy can help you deal with a high conflict coparent by learning important coparenting principles, 7 keys to good communication, and our conflict management protocol.Thanks for listening!  If you have questions, comments, or concerns, please email us at podcast@coparentacademy.com.

In this episode, we interview Kwame Christian, CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. We discuss how to have difficult conversations in our careers and personal lives. More Information: https://www.selfbeliefchief.com/ Schedule Zoom Call: https://go.oncehub.com/DavidHulman1/             #confidence #selfbelief #belief #selfconfidence #career #business #relationships #love #heartbreak #growth #faith #mentalhealth #selfimprovement #health

In this extra-special Valentine's Day Two-Part series, Alex and Meredith get very real about their relationship. They reveal how the adults in their youth never really modeled what healthy relationships look like and how, even after therapy, it's still something that they're working through in their marriage. They also touch on the unique difficulties they've faced in a same-sex marriage, how their attachment styles differ, what they fight about, and the small things that they love about one another.— Feelings About Valentine's Day + Galentine's Day— Personal Struggles in Relationships— What Relationships Are Really Like— Being in a Same-Sex Marriage— What Causes + Resolves Arguments — Alone Time— Therapy and Couples Counseling — Hyper-arousal vs. HypoarousalResources Mentioned in This Episode:Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel HellerBrandi Carlile - Party Of One (Official Video)────────────────────────────Want to work with Tactic Functional Nutrition? Check Out Our Services Learn More About Us Here and be sure to follow Tactic Nutrition on IG!Stay in the loop with us by signing up for our email list!

Marriage takes work! That is the lesson Nate Quigley shared the first time he was on The MomForce Podcast. For round two, Vanessa and Nate dig deep into their marriage, and what has worked and what hasn't! They open up about how good communication helps them navigate conflict while fostering greater connection. Nate shares why "birding" is his favorite date night activity and Vanessa tells why she has fully embraced it over the years. They also weigh in on the worst marriage advice they were ever given.  Tune in to hear the Quigleys share the ups and downs of their relationship and how they just launched a new app to help strengthen families called Hey Fam!  Follow @vanessaquigley  Download the Chatbooks app  Download the Hey Fam app   

The Second City – where countless actors and comedians got their start. They've been bringing the funny for over 60 years. Now the first name in improve and comedy, they've expanded well beyond the stage and into business, wellness, education and so much more. Kelly Leonard, Executive Director of Learning and Applied Improvisation at The Second City, joins Bill and Megan in this episode to talk about improvisation, creativity, and whether and how it can be used in conflict communication – especially in high conflict interactions. For over twenty years, he oversaw Second City's live theatrical divisions working with such talent as Tina Fey, Stephen Colbert, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Steve Carrell, and others.In this episode, we'll talk about: Kelly's book, Yes, And improvisation and creativity beyond the stage allowing anything to be on the table differences between creativity and innovation allowing yourself to be a human being the effect of the body on the brain and anxiety (he'll talk about what can be seen on an MRI when a smile is involved) so much more Links & Other Notes: KELLY'S BOOKYes, And: How Improvisation Reverses "No, But" Thinking and Improves Creativity and Collaboration--Lessons from The Second City KELLY'S PODCAST"Getting to Yes, And" KELLY'S TEDxBroadwayTalkEmbrace Your Failures KELLY'S COURSESThe Second City Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior. (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault (02:30) - Meet Kelly Leonard (09:21) - Yes! And... (12:29) - Using It in Conflict Situations (15:45) - Times to Not 'Yes And' (18:31) - Thank You, Because... (20:03) - Avoiding Escalation (20:58) - Humor, Surprise, Delight (21:40) - Why Improv? (27:01) - The Science (36:56) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Jackhammer Parents Learn more about our exclusive Family Law Consultation Group right here and sign up to be part of the 2024 session today!

The celebrity divorces under the microscope are Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger (10 ½ years/Emotional Divorce was important); Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy (8 years/Conflict Communication skills were needed); Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie (4-5 years/Was it custody or ego prolonging the divorce settlement).   In this episode of THE Amicable Divorce Expert podcast, you will learn the following:   Divorces can take even longer than the Shriver/Schwarzenegger 10-year divorce Budgets need to change to accommodate the divorce Compromise as a key to settling the divorce The word “fair” will get you nowhere That there are two divorces, the Emotional Divorce and the Legal Divorce Why the Emotional Divorce has to run its course What a “Status Only” divorce means No one knows how long a divorce will take, but the ones in control are the spouses, not the court and not the lawyers Conflict Communication skills are vital to dealing with an acrimonious spouse   #celebritydivorces #angelinajolie #bradpitt #bethennyfrankel #jasonhoppy #mariashriver #arnoldschwarzenegger #childcustody #emotionaldivorce #legaldivorce #attorneys #communication #conflict #divorcesettlement #amicable #acrimonious #compromise #statusonlydivorce #fair #spouse #BIFF #BillEddy #JudithWeigle #personalitydisorders

Dwight Peterson

What do we do about conflict in our lives? Is it healthy? Is it harmful?

Jenny and Chris Swisher started out as High School sweethearts. Now they're happily married with two beautiful girls. But early on their love was put to the test during a period in which Jenny suffered debilitating migraine headaches for over a year. Chris supported her every step of the way.After years of working to overcome her physical challenges, Jenny is a Certified Personal Trainer and Fitness Nutrition Specialist. She and Chris are the dynamic duo behind Jenny's personal brand, Jenny Swisher, LLC. co-creating her line of digital products, courses and podcast  teaching women how to manage their hormones and maximize their energy so they can be their best for themselves and the ones they love. Follow us:Instagram: @kickasscouplesnation Facebook: @kickasscouplesnation LinkedIn: @kickasscouplesnationTikTok: @kickasscouplesnationVisit our website: https://www.matthewphoffman.comFor access to workshops with professional therapists, keynote speakers, hot seat training and more exclusive content join our online learning community at: https://matthewphoffman.comOrder ‘Kickass Husband: Winning at Life, Marriage, and Sex' by Matthew Hoffman at https://amzn.to/3MDTESTAnd if you haven't done so already, be sure to like, subscribe and share our channel!

In this special episode, John talks to CEO, Author and Consultant, Marlene Chism. Marlene is a very interesting person. She is a seasoned speaker, advisor and is widely recognised as the leading US authority on stopping workplace drama. John knew Marlene would be a great fit for the podcast because her knowledge will speak to a lot of you who might be struggling with workplace drama and its impact on the office culture. During their time together, John and Marlene talk about how to deal with conflict in the workplace, the significance of facing it head on and how to get better at having these uncomfortable conversations with your team. Marlene is also here to talk about her new book, From Conflict to Courage. This is her fourth leadership book and one not to miss out on. Her book provides exercises, examples, and expert guidance to foster ‘conflict capacity' stop workplace drama and deal fearlessly with difficult issues. Marlene's techniques show leaders how to increase leadership clarity, identify obstacles and reduce resistance to conflict. Are you a good communicator? Are you struggling with your team? Tune into this episode for an in-depth conversation on dealing with conflict in the workplace. Follow Marlene on LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/marlenechism/ Visit Marlene's website and order her new book - https://marlenechism.com/ KEY TAKEAWAYS You must face conflict head on and as early as possible. Don't pass the book. When it comes to dealing with workplace conflict, staff should know exactly who to come to for help and feel comfortable to do so. Everyone needs to feel confident and comfortable at work. If there any unresolved issues, this will affect the whole working environment and other staff members. BEST MOMENTS “Understand that conflict itself is not the problem. The real problem is mismanagement. So, if mismanagement is the problem, once we learn how to identify conflict and manage it differently, then we just get to be better leaders, have better lives, that improves every facet of our lives.” “There's no conflict unless there is inner conflict first.” VALUABLE RESOURCES Leadership Revealed Podcast Castledene Sales & Lettings ABOUT THE HOST John has several Estate and Letting Agencies in the North-East of England. He also has a consultancy business, in which he teaches other agents how to grow and scale a sustainable business. John is recording podcasts to grow in the estate agency space, but also to try and break into other industries. The formula John has developed for estate agency success, is transferable into other SME industries. CONTACT METHOD https://www.instagram.com/johnpaulmentor/ https://www.facebook.com/agencyconsulting/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/john-paul-14167211/ johnpaul@agency-consulting.co.uk See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Amanda gives her tip for conflict resolution and mutual growth.

Handling conflict as a Christian requires many practical and spiritual techniques. Often, we allow old habits to creep in or handle conflict by cutting others away from our lives. As a Child of God, handling conflict should include much communication. Communication that is rooted in the truth, love, and the right heart posture. This episode is real and relevant as it reveals that what is inside you will indeed come out during times of pressure and conflict. Clifton Brantly drops so many gems and revelations about how to handle conflict God's way. His reference to scripture and therapy provides an insightful view that is full of #practical tips. This episode is for anyone who wants to do well in relationships/friendships. (Guest) Clifton Brantley https://abetterfamilynow.com/ourteam https://www.cliftonbrantley.com/ https://www.instagram.com/cbrantleylmft/ The Mental Health Candle https://bit.ly/mentalhealthcandle Devotional Journal https://bit.ly/SpiritualiTEADevotionalJournal Contact Dr. LaTanya https://bit.ly/drlatanyamoore

#14 Andrea: Firstly, I apologize for the slight delay in our conversation. The audio and video was not synced perfectly but is still very much useful…the wifi was playing jokes on us, we'll make sure to tell the ‘Internet Gods' to take care of that next time! Andrea Trinchieri is as good as they come and today he took me for a ride around his world. I got to see a glimpse of his past and mindset as well as his rich history with a variety of cultures in his background. Andrea is international as it gets by having Croatian, Montenegran, American as well as Panamanian roots and today he explained on how that came about and how these influences help him in his job today. Coach Trinchieri is a successful Head Coach at FC Bayern Munich and is currently in his 17th season as a Head Coach overall. He started his Head Coaching career in 2004 when he left Milano and became a Head Coach in 3rd division at Tripoldi Cremona. Meanwhile, he has elevated his ‘game' all the way to the Euroleague after going through all possible levels of coaching you can imagine. Andrea has countless titles in Germany that include 3 German Leagues as well as 2 German Cups, 2 Serbian Cups, Russian Cup & Italian 2nd Division Cup and many more domestic accomplishments. He's a treasure and still has lots of coaching left in him. Andrea and me talked about a variety of topics today but started our journey with my favourite topic of them all, “Communication”. We went into depth on how much his rich cultural background helps him to put himself in the other person's shoes and be able to get his point across quicker and better. Andrea told why he's not afraid of confrontations, how he cultivates a culture of accountability on his teams as well as defining leadership. He explained why his coaching style changes every year and what he expects from his Assistant Coaches day in - day out. We obviously also went into the coaching profession and talked about certain basketball situations such as ‘spacing' and ‘cutting'. In the end I hit him with my ‘ATO questions', which he answered precisely. Enjoy this peace of art created by the master himself, Andrea Trinchieri. Topics: - Boston Memories - Background / History - Cultural Communication - Becoming a Head Coach - Confrontations / Conversations - Recruitment / Management - Leadership / Preparation - Relationship with Players - Leaders / Accountability - Changing Coaching Style - Expectation from Ast. Coaches - Floor Spacing - Cutting / Communication - Advice to younger self - Best personal investment - Overcoming Failure - Teaching a class in Basketball - Favourite Dinner Company - Alex Ferguson quote - What DRIVES you? Finding Andrea: Twitter - https://twitter.com/andreatrinkieri Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/andrea.trinchieri To support my podcast on Patreon click here (Ačiu!!): https://www.patreon.com/bmatke #AndreaTrinchieri #FCBayernBasketball #Munich #Communication #Coaching #HeadCoach #Leadership #Accountability #CoachingStyle #CultureCocktail Sponsors: Not yet :) Finding Me: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bmatke/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/bmatke/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/bmatke3 Homepage: https://www.bmatke.com

CAN YOU CALM OR DE-ESCALATE AN INDIVIDUAL IN 90 SECONDS? TUNE IN IF YOU WANT TO LEARN HOW. On this episode we are joined by Doug Noll, of Noll Associates. After spending many years as a powerhouse trial attorney, Doug shifted focus to peacemaking and helping resolve the unresolvable through mediation, arbitration, and facilitation. Doug also founded Prison of Peace in 2009 training inmates serving life sentences to be peacemakers and mediators. Learn more about Doug's intriguing journey as we discuss: How to be a peacemaker Emotional validation Reflective listening Listening others into existence For places to listen, places to connect on social media, to be a guest, collaborate with or sponsor DTE visit: https://linktr.ee/DisruptTheEveryday Visit Doug's site for Disrupt The Everyday listeners: https://dougnoll.com/podcast/disrupttheeveryday/  More About Doug Doug Noll speaks about and teaches people how to solve difficult, intractable, and highly emotional problems. He  was a business and commercial trial lawyer for 22 years before turning to leadership development, problem-solving, and peacemaking. He is a Senior Consultant with Mobius Executive Leadership and maintains a high-level mediation and arbitration practice. For his innovative work, Doug Noll has been voted as one of the Best Lawyers in America since 2005, by US News & World Report and has been recognized since 2006 as a Northern California Super Lawyer. He is listed in the Who's Who of International Commercial Mediators. He has been honored as Lawyer of the Year in 2014 by Best Lawyers in America. In 2014, Doug was honored as a Purpose Prize Fellow by Encore.org. In 2018, Doug was named the Distinguished Neutral of the Year by The National Academy of Distinguished Neutrals. Along with his colleague Laurel Kaufer, Doug Noll was named California Attorney of the Year in 2012 for their pro bono Prison of Peace project. Doug Noll is the author of the book De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less (Simon & Schuster, September 2017), which was the winner of the Book Excellence Award for 2017. In addition, Doug Noll is the author of Elusive Peace: How Modern Diplomatic Strategies Could Better Resolve World Conflicts (Prometheus Books, April 2011), winner of the Institute for Conflict Prevention and Resolution (CPR) International Peace and Justice Book Award for 2011, Sex, Politics & Religion at the Office: The New Competitive Advantage (Auberry Press 2006), with John Boogaert, and Peacemaking: Practicing at the Intersection of Law and Human Conflict (Cascadia 2002) and, numerous articles on peacemaking, restorative justice, conflict resolution and mediation, and is a mediator trainer, lecturer, and continuing education panelist. Doug Noll is an adjunct faculty member of the Pepperdine School of Law Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution and teaches The Psychology of Conflict Communication and Decision Making in Conflict. Doug Noll makes his home in the foothills above Clovis, California with his wife Aleya.

What would it be like to handle money in a way that highlights your strength and that you actually *enjoy* doing?! And Kolbe Theory ™ Certified Coach Michael Dickey is here to show us how! Join Michael as he takes us through his signature framework to learn how to: Determine if you are prone to disagreements as a couple and what to do about it [7:45] What to do when your conative mind doesn't align with societal norms [16:03] How to use your strengths to strive in and out of work [20:00] Micheal Dickey is the Chief Leadership Officer at Fiscal Fitness Phoenix and has been a Certified Kolbe Consultant since 2019. Together with Kelsa Dickey, his wife and business partner, they and their team are "helping driven professionals and solopreneurs gain clarity and stress less with their money."  (Read all the show notes, get Michael's links, and find out more at https://ahkcoaching.com/podcast)

Rory Miller served seventeen years in corrections working maximum security, booking and mental health.He has lead a tactical team; and has taught subjects ranging from Defensive Tactics and Use of Force to First Aid and Crisis Communications with the Mentally Ill. Rory worked was an advisor to the Iraqi Corrections System while he was based out of Baghdad. He also holds a degree in Psychology. Rory has written quite a few books on the topic including: Meditations on Violence, Conflict Communication & Training for sudden violence which have all been quite influential in the defence fields.Rory Miller is raw, and doesn't hold back any punches. If you're ok with that, you're going to enjoy this one. 

In episode 120 of The Conversation, Adam sits down with founding pastor of 12Stone Church, Kevin Myers & his wife, Marcia, to talk about marriage. Kevin and Marcia share what they've learned in almost 40 years of marriage about conflict, communication, and how to build happiness again in your marriage. If you're married, engaged, or dating, this episode is for you!Get a copy of Kevin and Marcia's book, The Second Happy, here: amzn.to/3qhbjpj

Sarah Schulman's work — as a nonfiction writer, novelist, activist, playwright and filmmaker — confronts the very thing most people try to avoid: conflict. Schulman, far from running from it, believes we need more of it.This was true in Schulman's 2016 book, “Conflict Is Not Abuse,” which argues that people often mislabel conflict as abuse without recognizing the power that they have to potentially abuse others. Viewing oneself as a victim can be one way to earn compassion. But powerful groups often use their perceived victimhood as an excuse to harm those who are more vulnerable. And more individually, people often don't see when they have power, and they often fear or dodge the work of repair. It's a challenging and prescient book, with a deep faith in the healing power of not just communication, but of collision.Schulman's latest book, “Let the Record Show,” is a history of ACT UP New York, the direct-action group that reshaped AIDS activism in the late '80s and early '90s. It's a book about necessary conflicts: between the AIDS community and the U.S. government, and between queer people and a widely homophobic society. But it's also about conflict among people who generally agree with one another and are working toward a common goal. Schulman calls the book “a political history,” but it's also a work of political theory: a proposal for how social movements can become more effective by embracing dissensus rather than striving for consensus.We began this conversation discussing ACT UP, conflict and Schulman's theory of political change. But we also ended up discussing Israel and Palestine, a topic she has written widely about. And Schulman shares her thoughts on contemporary L.G.B.T.Q. politics and what she thinks has been lost as queer culture has become more mainstream.Mentioned in this episode: Let the Record Show: A Political History of ACT UP New York, 1987-1993 by Sarah Schulman Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair by Sarah SchulmanRecommendations: Poor Queer Studies: Confronting Elitism in the University by Matt BrimVanguard: How Black Women Broke Barriers, Won the Vote, and Insisted on Equality for All by Martha S. JonesMemorial Drive: A Daughter's Memoir by Natasha TretheweyYou can find transcripts (posted midday) and more episodes of "The Ezra Klein Show" at nytimes.com/ezra-klein-podcast, and you can find Ezra on Twitter @ezraklein.Thoughts? Guest suggestions? Email us at ezrakleinshow@nytimes.com.“The Ezra Klein Show” is produced by Annie Galvin, Jeff Geld and Rogé Karma; fact-checking by Michelle Harris; original music by Isaac Jones; mixing by Jeff Geld, audience strategy by Shannon Busta. Special thanks to Kristin Lin.

Disagreement, misunderstandings and tensions amongst team members are not uncommon. Indeed, conflict amongst people is a natural part of everyday life but in the context of our professional lives, conflict does not need to be destructive. Instead, it can and should be used as a tool that allows teams to take action to accomplish a particular goal. Getting issues out in the open and on the table allows teams to evaluate a problem or question with more complete information and, in the end, to make a better decision. And crucially, a culture of constructive conflict always generates a strong sense of team cohesion. Gina D'Andrea Weatherup joins Elisa and Andrew in exploring the practical tools for improving a team's transparency and communication within a trust-based environment. Visit www.chantillymediationandfacilitation.com for more details on creating happier workplaces.

Every couple has conflict. That's a simple reality we should all expect — especially for those of us who live each day in the challenges of blended family dynamics.But one thing that's not so simple, is fully understanding the unhealthy ways most of us tend to react when conflict hits. It's tough to identify exactly how to avoid those toxic reactions that many of us have. And left unchecked, they can lead to damaging our relationship and long-term unresolved issues. In this episode, we'll uncover four communication patterns that often pop up for couples when conflict strikes. Research shows that these patterns are detrimental to your relationship — we’ll talk about why you've got to be aware of these patterns so that you can avoid them at all costs.We'll also share four simple and practical ways to minimize those unhealthy communication patterns and replace them with positive approaches that'll help keep you connected. When inevitable conflict hits, you'll want to know how you can communicate in a way that helps you work together to resolve your blended family issues.You'll Discover:The 4 communication patterns that ultimately damage relationshipsHow these 4 patterns get in the way of resolving issues and end up creating disconnection in relationships What the research reveals about how these 4 communication patterns negatively impact marriage 4 simple antidotes that will help you to avoid toxic interactions and create healthier patterns of communication in your relationshipResources from this Episode:iMOM Article: Put the Spark Back in Your Marriage with a Spark JarSchedule your Free Coaching Call with Mike & KimScott River Lodge Retreat: https://www.scottriverlodge.comCheck out this video from Scott River Lodge Subscribe & Review in Apple PodcastsAre you subscribed to our podcast yet? If not, we want to encourage you to subscribe today so you don't miss an episode. Click here to subscribe in Apple PodcastsNow if you’re feeling extra helpful, we would be so grateful if you left us a review over on Apple Podcasts too. Your review will help others find our podcast — plus they’re fun for us read too! :-) Just click here to Review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” and let us know what your favorite part of the podcast is. Thank you!Want to Support the Show?You can join our mission of safe-guarding marriages and supporting step-couples by connecting with our Patreon community. By everyone doing just a little, we can create big opportunities.Consider joining our community for as little as $4 per month and as a "thank you" — you'll have even more access directly to us! Click here to join our community today

All families have conflict. Learning to respond, rather than react; approaching conflict with love, rather than anger-- makes all the difference.Looking for more parenting resources? Visit us at https://scenesfromthewild.net/parenting/Be sure to check out THE TOOL BOX- 35 Tools for Better Communication and More Joy at Home. Use the code PODCAST to save $5 (and free shipping!)

Rory Miller joins the elite club of three-time guests on the podcast and we couldn't be happier to have him back. He is one of the world's leading authors on self-defence and violence management with some of his notable works including Meditations on Violence, Facing Violence, Conflict Communication, and Training for Sudden Violence amongst others. In this interview, we dive into his most recent book - Living in the Deep Brain: Connecting with Your Intuition.   If you love Rory's work, please consider supporting him on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/chirontraining   Check out this episode on our website: www.violencepod.com LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/managing-violence-podcast/id1441934641?mt=2&uo=4   LISTEN ON GOOGLE PODCASTS: https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy83Y2NlMDAwL3BvZGNhc3QvcnNz   Thanks for listening.   Make sure to subscribe and leave us a review so you never miss future content. Want to check out the bonus content for this episode and others? www.patreon.com/managingviolence   Check out our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvJgyuUe-wxu-ii88QEc2Zg   Follow Joe on social media: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/managingviolence Twitter: https://twitter.com/JoeSaundersAU LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joesaundersau/ TikTok: @managingviolence Instagram: @managingviolence

Rory Miller joins the elite club of three-time guests on the podcast and we couldn't be happier to have him back. He is one of the world's leading authors on self-defence and violence management with some of his notable works including Meditations on Violence, Facing Violence, Conflict Communication, and Training for Sudden Violence amongst others. In this interview, we dive into his most recent book - Living in the Deep Brain: Connecting with Your Intuition. If you love Rory's work, please consider supporting him on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/chirontraining Check out this episode on our website: www.violencepod.comLISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/managing-violence-podcast/id1441934641?mt=2&uo=4 LISTEN ON GOOGLE PODCASTS: https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy83Y2NlMDAwL3BvZGNhc3QvcnNz Thanks for listening.  Make sure to subscribe and leave us a review so you never miss future content. Want to check out the bonus content for this episode and others? www.patreon.com/managingviolence Check out our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvJgyuUe-wxu-ii88QEc2Zg Follow Joe on social media: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/managingviolenceTwitter: https://twitter.com/JoeSaundersAULinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joesaundersau/TikTok: @managingviolence Instagram: @managingviolence

This poem brings a scope of language communication while providing awareness.

Steps to heal, how to be real and how to feel better from going a little too far

In time for the holiday season, I'm sharing my top two communication tips to help you share what you're feeling and avoid escalating conflict. MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODETheHealedandLovedWoman.com Take Our Free Masterclass: How to Break the Cycle and Stop Attracting (and Obsessing About) Situationships to Get the Relationships You Want THIS YEAR: The 6 Step Method to HEAL and FIX Your Internal Magnet FREE DOWNLOADThe 5 Step Roadmap to Heal Love Addiction GET STARTED CHANGING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS Join the Learn to THRIVE group coaching program and course by going to LearntoThriveCourse.com CONNECT WITH US ELSEWHEREInstagram: @BlackGirlsHeal_Facebook: Black Girls HealWebsite: Blackgirlsheal.org JOIN THE CONVERSATIONBlack Girls Heal Facebook Group      

On this episode we are joined again by the phenomenal Rory Miller, author of many titles including Meditations on Violence, Facing Violence, and Conflict Communication. In this chat, Rory shares his thoughts on verbal de-escalation as well as gives some insight into a fascinating new project he has in the works. Note: There are some audio issues in this episode due to Rory being in a weak signal area at his home. Please persevere because the content is definitely worth it!

On this episode we are joined again by the phenomenal Rory Miller, author of many titles including Meditations on Violence, Facing Violence, and Conflict Communication. In this chat, Rory shares his thoughts on verbal de-escalation as well as gives some insight into a fascinating new project he has in the works. Note: There are some audio issues in this episode due to Rory being in a weak signal area at his home. Please persevere because the content is definitely worth it!

Have you ever wished that you and your partner could communicate better with one another and avoid conflict? Communication can feel very complex - but today we’re going to show you some very specific and practical exercises you can do with your partner that will improve your communication, mindset, and relationship satisfaction. This week, our guest is Jonathan Robinson, the author of many books including More Love Less Conflict: A Communication Playbook for Couples. Jonathan Robinson has worked with many couples and has been featured on TV and media - most notably he was on Oprah several times! By the end of this episode, you’ll have some new, practical ways to approach communication that will have an immediate impact on your experience in a relationship. Also, announcing that tickets are on sale for Relationship Alive...LIVE! featuring Terry Real. We'll have a musical guest (Katie Matzell trio), and you'll also have the chance to ask YOUR questions. The show will be on June 6, 2019, at One Longfellow Square in Portland, Maine. Limited seats available. Click here to buy your tickets now! As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Our sponsor today is Blinkist. Blinkist is the only app that takes the best key takeaways and the need-to-know information from thousands of nonfiction books and condenses them down into just 15 minutes that you can read or listen to. Go to Blinkist.com/ALIVE to start your free 7-day trial. Resources: Visit Jonathan’s website to learn more about his work. Pick up your copy of Jonathan Robinson’s book, More Love Less Conflict: A Communication Playbook for Couples. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/morelove to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Jonathan Robinson. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. Today we're going to get really practical and we're going to get really practical about communication. But not only are we going to get practical about communication, we're also going to get practical about communication in a way that will bring you closer to your partner. And we're also going to address this from the perspective of things that you can do with your partner, structured exercises that will definitely take you to a new level of understanding and intimacy and vulnerability. And on top of that, we're going to get some tips about how to do things on your own, kinda renegade style, so that if your partner isn't necessarily signing up for communication exercises 101, you can still make huge progress in your relationship and your connection. And in order to have today's conversation, we have with us yet another esteemed guest. His name is Jonathan Robinson and he's the author of the book More Love Less Conflict: A Communication Playbook for Couples, among many other books. Jonathan has worked with many couples, has worked with Fortune 500 companies, and has been featured on TV and media. Neil Sattin: Notably, he was on Oprah several times. And as you'll see his words are practical, applicable to your life. And they make a lot of sense, but they're not necessarily the kind of thing that you would automatically think to do. They're the kinds of things that once you hear them, you'll be like, "Oh yeah, of course, that's the way I should have been doing this all along." So I'm excited to have Jonathan here with us today. We are going to dive in momentarily, but before we do, just a reminder that if you want to download a detailed transcript of today's episode, you can visit NeilSattin.com/morelove. That's the word more and the word love kinda squished together. And along with the transcript, Jonathan Robinson has also generously offered to combine with that his 50 desires. It's a list of things that are these universal desires that can, as you'll see, help you really get more in touch with what it is you're after anyway in your relationship and in any given moment. So that is also free for you when you download the transcript. And again, that's at NeilSattin.com/morelove. Neil Sattin: Or you can simply text the word Passion to the number 33444 and follow the instructions which will lead you to a page where you can download the transcript, the bonus desires, worksheet, and a lot of other goodies as well from our other episodes. I think that's it for now. Jonathan Robinson, thank you so much for being here with us today on Relationship Alive. Jonathan Robinson: Well, thank you, Neil. This will be fun. Neil Sattin: I sure hope so. Let's see. How can we make it fun? Let's just start right in with something super fun. One thing that I really appreciate about your book, as I just mentioned, is how practical it is not only for people who have a partner who's willing to sit down with them and go through something structured but also the way that you're always offering these helpful hints that allow someone to just kind of incorporate it into their lives on their own and change the steps of the dance. And I'm wondering, obviously, ideally our partners work with us on the project of our relationships, but I'm wondering what you've seen as far as people taking some of these plays in your communication playbook and putting them into practice on their own, and what kinds of results you've seen them effect in their relationships. Jonathan Robinson: Well, in fact, it's pretty rare to have two partners that both want to work on a relationship. If you have that, usually there's not that much of a problem. So mostly I get couples who are basically on the verge of divorce where one person is dragged in kicking and screaming. And even in those situations, if you have the right method, the right technologies so to speak, you can still get to a place of love often in like 20 minutes. So I use the analogy, if you're trying to go from where you are in Portland, Maine to California, well, if you have a plane, you can do it in six hours. If you don't have a plane, it's going to take you a couple of years. So some of these tools are really amazing technology that helps us get back to a place of love very quickly. Neil Sattin: And some of them I noticed, okay, that kind of reminds me of Imago or that reminds me of something I've seen in the Gottman's work. And have some of those things just been trial and error on your part or what's that process of discovery like for you in coming up with these ways to help people in their communication? Jonathan Robinson: Well, I use it in my own marriage, but also with my clients. And what I notice is that when people are upset they can't remember Imago stuff or Gottman stuff necessarily. They're too complex for most couples. So I tried to make it so that anything I taught in my book could be pretty well done in 20 seconds or less. Now, there's a few exceptions, but I know when I'm really stressed out or upset, I don't remember all the theory. What I remember is maybe I can say three words or maybe I can complete a sentence. So I tried to find the best and easiest methods that can be done usually in under 20 seconds. And that's usually what people actually can do, but the good news is, if they do it, it does lead to a transformation. My wife and I, when we first married we argued a lot, and I was looking for a way that even though we were upset, we could avoid arguments. Jonathan Robinson: So I came up with a method called the Yellow Light Method, which just involves saying two words and if I can remember to say those two words we avoid arguments. And in the last five years, we've only had one argument. And basically, the method is if you're finding that you're upset or your partner's upset either you can say yellow light, and that's a signal to take two minutes out and take some deep breaths and then restart the conversation. And when you interrupt that momentum of upset, usually you don't go into an argument. So those are the type of methods I like the most. The ones that are so simple yet work pretty much 100% of the time. Neil Sattin: Yeah, it's so important, too, to have something reliable that you can turn to that doesn't require a lot of thought, because as we've talked about here on the show a lot, you're not even really able to think. That part of your brain that accesses creative problem-solving thinking, it tends to go offline as soon as you start to feel your heart beating a little more quickly and get into that disconnected angry or hurt wanting to escape, angry wanting to fight, whatever it is. When you're in that mode, having to think it through is probably one of the most challenging things you have to do. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, I can't do it, so I can't expect other people too. [chuckle] That's why they pass... These methods have passed the most severe test possible. Do they actually work in my life? Neil Sattin: Yeah, that's super important. And I like, too, that you offer examples in the book of things that happen with your wife. It's kind of a new theme here on the show because I think it's easy to get the impression that when you know all this stuff about relationships that things are smooth sailing all the time, and it's never challenging. And people like the Gottmans, they must just never fight. It's always bliss. It's always cherishing. And so lately, I've been asking my guests to name some of their own challenges just to make it real. And so I like that you offer that in your book, as well. These are challenges we've experienced and how I've used this particular exercise or how my wife and I have used it to help ourselves in these moments. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, that's been a way to keep it on us, because we all face challenges in relationships. It's just a matter of whether you have ways of getting around those challenges or if you resort to the time tested tried-and-true method that most couples work or use, which is blame. And as you know, Neil, blame never works. Never once have I blamed my wife for my annoyance or blamed her and telling her what she does wrong where she then came back and said, "Oh yeah, now I see where you're talking about. I'm going to have to change that." I bat zero for 500 on that one. So that got me looking for other ways to do it. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, and it's funny how ineffective so many of our innate strategies are, and yet without a new repertoire that's just what you do over and over again. Even though if you were to step back and look at the evidence, "Did this work? Did anything change? Do I feel more connected?" Any of that, the answer would probably be no for most of those things people just do. Blame, complain. Jonathan Robinson: Shame. Neil Sattin: Shame. Yeah, exactly. Criticize. Yeah, all those kinds of things. Jonathan Robinson: Well, most of us, most couples don't even have 15 minutes of communication education in their life. And I think of a marriage or communication is something that we're doing all the time. We should have a lot of practice at it. If you even had 15 minutes on how to fly a plane, you would have a chance of not crashing, but if you don't have those 15 minutes and you have to take over a plane in mid-flight, you're probably going to crash. And that's an experience a lot of couples have is that they just don't have any other methods they've been taught other than blame, shame, complain. And therefore, that's what the habit they fall back into when things get tense. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, well, fortunately, we don't just have 15 minutes now. We have a good 45 minutes where we can help you who are listening come up the curve a little bit more. We're going to give you some cool exercises and things to try. And then, I'm just thinking about the study that... I just had John and Julie Gottman on the show and they were talking about this study where there were these married couples, I think they had children, both worked and they figured out that basically, these people had 15 minutes of communication time period, over the course of a week. That that was it. And of course, that time was more or less about the bills and logistics. And so if we can save that for you so that that 15 minutes can be something truly special and hopefully you have more than 15 minutes with your partner or with the people closest to you, then I'll feel like we did a good job here today, Jonathan. Jonathan Robinson: That sounds good. Neil Sattin: Awesome. So where's a good place to start? I know that I mentioned the universal desires when I first was talking about what we're going to talk about today, and maybe that would be a good place for us to just kinda drop in. But I'm open to your influence here about where do you like to start people out on this journey? Jonathan Robinson: Well, you mentioned the Gottmans and they've done some great work. And one of the things I liked about them is they said that probably the best predictor of how happy couples are is the amount of appreciations they give to each other or the ratio of appreciations to criticism. So a very simple method, and I like simple, is that I have couples complete this sentence, "Something I noticed today about you that I appreciate is... " and you just complete that sentence. I have couples do that once a day and people are often hesitant like, "Oh, that's too simple or too mechanical," but it really does make a huge difference. And I'm a typical guy, so I actually have my iPhone remind me to do this every day, otherwise, I forget. And it's amazing how that can really help bond couples. Or if I did it with you, Neil. Something I noticed about you that I appreciate is that you're very clear in your communication. We had to do some scheduling stuff, but you were always very clear and helpful and before the show, during the show, it just makes it much easier to be a guest when I know where you're at and what you're thinking. Jonathan Robinson: So I'm already thinking that thought, but when we say our appreciations, it helps to more bond, whether it be a couple or friendship. And that's something that's so easy to do that most people are missing out on because they don't make it a habit. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, and when I think about for a lot of us that can equal love or feeling loved is it gets conflated with appreciation, and so it's like you don't really feel like you're being loved by your partner if you're not getting that kind of acknowledgment from them about how you shine in their eyes. Jonathan Robinson: Exactly, it's probably the quickest way for couples to feel emotionally connected. Neil Sattin: And I really like the sentence stem approach, "Something I noticed about you today that I appreciate is," I think that's good because it gives us a way to focus our attention rather than being lost in the sea of all the possible appreciations. It's like pull something out of today, out of this moment. because I can imagine even just sitting down with my wife, Chloe, and what it feels like to have her attention. Even that in the moment would be something I would really appreciate, I'd probably want to reflect that right back to her just like how good it feels to experience her listening to me. Jonathan Robinson: I like the method of sentence stems because they're so simple and yet can be so effective. I'll put out a couple more of the ones I really like. One is, "Something I've been hesitant to talk to you about lately is... " That helps bring in the difficult things that we sometimes avoid. Or how about this one? If you're in a disagreement and you're both trying to blame each other to use this sentence stem, "A way I see that I contributed to this upset is... " You say that and it immediately changes the energy of the conversation because now you're taking some responsibility which then leads to your partner doing that. So there's a lot of sentence stems in the More Love Less Conflict book that work really powerfully and immediately. And they only take 20 seconds to complete. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and that one you just named for diffusing conflict, I experienced that just the other day where Chloe and I, we had an argument about something. Oh, I remember exactly what it was. Sometimes our lives get a little busy and I think I've even mentioned on the show before that there can be dishes in the sink. And we each could be responsible for doing more dishes, I think. Our dog sometimes does more dishes than we do. And so there were no dishes, I was in a rush, I was making a meal. And we have a stack of special dishes that we're really not supposed to use. But rather than use a dish... I actually, come to think of it, I had just washed a bunch of dishes, but they were still wet and I didn't want to dry the dish with a towel, so I just reached for the special dish from the pile of special dishes. And Chloe got really angry at me. "Don't use one of those dishes. You just washed all of those dishes. I've asked you not to use those dishes." So innocent enough, I'm reaching for the dishes, and it would have been so easy for me to just get really angry and in fact, I did get angry. I was like, "Don't tell me what to do." Neil Sattin: It was really a glorious moment for us of conflict. And we each stepped away for a minute or two, because we had been under a lot of stress that day, a lot of pressure. And then I came back, and I said something like, "I'm really sorry that I just yelled," or "I just yelled at you just then. I see that I went to use one of those dishes, and I know you've asked me not to use them a lot. And even though I feel like it's my right [chuckle] to take them, I recognize that you asked me not to, and I did anyway, and I can see how that must have felt like I was slighting you or not really paying attention to what you've asked me to do in the past." Neil Sattin: And I will say that it didn't sound exactly like that when I said it to her. But it was along those lines. And it was really hard and painful for me to say that, because like you mention in your book, my ego just wanted to be right and wanted to make her wrong for having spoken up about it or tried to control me or whatever it was, that was her part in the dance. But I did have my part in the dance, and through owning it, right afterward Chloe said, "Yeah, I really... The way that I said that I'm really sorry, I know that must have... You must felt like I was really coming down on you or talking down to you," or something like that is what she said. And that was it, argument over, [chuckle] and we went back to just being connected and loving, and it was a really quick transformation. It's amazing because that gap from Maine to California that you were talking about earlier, that can feel like it's going to take two years, and it really can be as quick as making a shift like that. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, yeah. And one of the things I like about the sentence stems is that it can be hard to figure it out the right thing to say on your own, but if you have the first part of the sentence memorized like, "I see the way that I contributed to this upset is... " then it becomes relatively easy and easier on your ego to just say that sentence and then the shift happens. So I always try to take these big ideas like taking responsibility or being more appreciative and turn them into a method or a technology that's so simple that even me at my worst can do it. And it seems like that's really what people need because we often know the theory, we often know what we're supposed to do, but when the rubber hits the road, we don't have that keyword to say that is really going to turn it in a new direction. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, are there other magical sentence stems that come to mind? Jonathan Robinson: Well, there's 30 of them in the book. [chuckle] I'll spread 'em out through this interview. One thing that I like as a sentence stem is just saying, "Right now, I'm feeling... " Whatever you're feeling, and then, "Right now I'm wanting... " whatever you're wanting, because saying what you're feeling and wanting is really key information for your partner. And normally, we're very indirect, we're very not good at saying that in a way that our partner gets. So during the day, if I'm spending time with my wife, I'll think that sentence stem "Right now, I'm feeling like I want to be more connected with you. I guess I'm wanting a hug right now." And that helps point me in the right direction. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, and I think it's important, you talk about this in the book, in the chapter where you're covering that sentence stem in particular, how important it is to identify what you're actually feeling versus, "I'm feeling like you're being an idiot right now," [chuckle] which is what people sometimes tend to do, which is to take an I feel statement and attach a judgment on the end of it, as opposed to just owning what they're actually feeling in that moment. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, that's why I have, in the book, a page of just feelings. Here are 30 feelings. You're probably feeling one of these, you're not feeling... Even if you're thinking I'm feeling like they're an idiot, what you're probably feeling is I'm feeling annoyed or I'm feeling frustrated. And to some extent, that's a learning process because a lot of couples don't have that practice where they say, well, this really isn't a feeling. What am I feeling? So having a list in front of you can actually be very helpful that way. Neil Sattin: Right, yeah, won't that be great when... I think you talk about this in terms of languages and communication, but to be able to Google how am I feeling right now? And get an [chuckle] Oh, turns out that I'm feeling annoyed right now. That makes sense, actually. Thanks, Google. Yeah, and then the second part of that stem, I'm feeling this, and what I'd really like is... And I think I'm not getting it quite right, but that last part of really being able to identify what it is you would like and what the desire might be underneath that seems so important for people to get clear on. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, there's really two things that people want. They want... And usually, it looks like I want them to give me a certain action like maybe a hug or I want them to do the dishes. But underneath that, we think that if they did those things, we would get a certain desire fulfilled. Like if they gave me a hug I'd feel more connected, or if they did the dishes I'd feel more respected or something like that. So knowing what the ultimate aim is the ultimate desire or need you're trying to fulfill can be very helpful because they might do the dishes in a way that is throwing the dishes around and being upset while they're doing it, and the dishes get done, but you don't feel more respected at the end of it. Neil Sattin: Right, right, and how useful is it for you to be clear about that with your partner so that the underlying motivations are the realm that you're dealing in, not trying in this roundabout way to get your needs or desires met. Jonathan Robinson: And in fact, most partners are much more open to satisfying our underlying desires than they are to satisfying our other requests. If you said, "Well, I want you to do the dishes," they might have some resistance, but if you said, "What I'm really wanting is I'm wanting to feel more respected and more connected to you." That tends to be more vulnerable, and vulnerability is a real key to intimacy. If you look at the word intimacy, the instructions are there, into me see. So when we reveal what we're really wanting on an emotional level, that tends to open up our partners' hearts and makes them more connected and more open to doing what we want. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and then does it make sense to you to follow up with once your partner's offered vulnerability like that to ask, "What could I do that would help you feel seen and respected." Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Neil Sattin: And then they'll say, "You could do the dishes." [laughter] Jonathan Robinson: Actually, probably just asking what can I do to help you feel more respected would help them to feel more respected. Neil Sattin: True. Jonathan Robinson: But the dishes might be another way as well. Neil Sattin: It might be, but what occurs to me is that it's more likely that if the dishes were kind of a surrogate for that feeling seen and respected that now that the true desire is out in the open, that on further reflection someone might be like, "Well, the dishes would be nice, but what would really help me feel seen and respected would be if I could talk to you about my day and have you just listen with your undivided attention." Jonathan Robinson: Right, you're getting to a place where you're much more effective in satisfying your partner's real needs. And that's something that's really critical, because a lot of times partners don't even know what their partner's real needs are, and even if they do know what they are, which is unusual, they may be very ineffective in satisfying them. Take the issue of sex, which is a good example. A lot of couples don't ever directly say what they most enjoy in bed, so they find that they put up with their partner doing things which is not really what really does it for them. So here's a good sentence stem: Three things I really love that you do in bed are... And three things that I really don't care for much are... Just completing that sentence can improve your love life 50% in five minutes. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and I'm curious for you when someone hears three things I love are blank, that's going to feel really good. Three things that I don't particularly care for, it seems like it would be really easy for the person receiving that to, if nothing else, just kind of feel bad about it, but maybe even to go into a shame spiral, or it could be really bad. So what do you recommend people do to help create a safe container for offering more negative feedback? Jonathan Robinson: I have a lot of suggestions for that in the More Love, Less Conflict book. One example is always end on a positive note, either something you appreciate or something that you like. But sometimes what's necessary is just a time out, like if you're going to give some kind of feedback that's negative that the other person can't respond for, say, 12 hours, because a lot of times we have an immediate reaction and then after five minutes we realize, well, that's actually useful feedback, or it's no big deal. So creating that safe container can be either ending with something positive or creating a time period where neither person can react to it. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and during that time period, what do you suggest people do to take care of themselves if they need that? Jonathan Robinson: I actually do make several suggestions, and I have a list from watching funny YouTube videos to calling a friend to going to the gym. But I find that if couples are feeling connected and they feel respected and appreciated, and they're doing all those other things when you get a little bit of "negative feedback," it doesn't overwhelm them. What happens normally is that people aren't getting any positive stuff, so when they get another piece of negative feedback it can overwhelm them, and then you get into problems. So as long as you have love in your emotional bank account, so to speak, a little bit of feedback that tells you how you can do something better usually is not that big of a deal. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so important to probably to put your focus on some of the things we were talking about a moment ago, like offering the appreciations, and all the ways that you really do appreciate or resonate with your partner the things that you love about them, or the things that you see in them, so that when it comes time to offer something a little bit more discerning, let's say, [chuckle] it can soften the blow a little bit. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, and there's other ways, too, for example, sometimes I have couples give what could be called negative feedback in a written form, while ending with a positive thing, and it can be easier to just read it and take some time on your own rather than have that person right there, which might be more triggering. So there's a lot of different ways to create a safe container, and people's job is to find what works for them because different things can work for different couples. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking, too, you offer an anecdote in the book More Love, Less Conflict during the exercise about withholding and couples being able to give a voice to the things that they've been holding back from each other. And that's something that could be really edgy or scary depending on what's being withheld, but even there you talk about wanting people to end on a positive note, something maybe really good or a deep desire that they've been withholding. And you mention this one couple that talks about how in trouble their marriage is, and how one is feeling hopeless, and the other has been flirting with someone at the office, and these are coming out in the withholdings, but then they end with these statements about really wanting to feel connected with each other and how much it feels like that shifts the dynamic for them, even though they have also offered some incredibly vulnerable and hard truths to each other. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, you know, one moment of vulnerability or appreciation seems to be able to overshadow even years of negativity. Now, I've had couples who come into my office, they've been arguing and screaming each other for decades. And sometimes I'll have them do a couple of positive things, like saying what they appreciate or being vulnerable through certain sentence stems, and 10 minutes later they're holding hands and loving. And I find that is like a miracle because they've had years of negativity and yet their hearts really want to have that connection, they just haven't had the simple, reliable way of doing that. But once they do have that way, the bonding can happen very, very quickly, and I think that's a real testament to the human heart and spirit. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, the light it shines is much brighter than the darkness we can find ourselves in at times. And just to be clear for you listening, the withholding sentence stem, I just happened to have it in front of me right here: There's something I've been withholding, would you like to hear it? So again, important that your partner actually know that they're about to receive something. And then this is one of those cases where you mentioned, Jonathan, that it's helpful to create a container that says we're not even... We're not going to talk about this for 24 hours, and what is being offered is held sacred in some way, which is a great spin on it because I think so often when something is revealed that's been withheld, it can, just in and of itself, no matter what the content is, feel like a betrayal of some sort. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, yeah. And that's probably the edgiest exercise in the book, and it's not something that one starts with, you kind of build to that, because if you're going to deal with difficult stuff, it's good to have some love in your emotional bank account because those types of things are like a withdrawal, and you don't want to withdraw into bankruptcy, so I encourage people to have some connection, and when you have to deal with the hard stuff, then you'll be able to weather that storm, because you already have a bunch of connection banked, so to speak. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, and that, for some reason, is making me think of two other things that you mentioned in the book, one being the higher self-exercise. And I think I like that because we so often want to be able to give advice to our partners, or fix their problems, or tell them how they should be that will make our lives easier, and the higher self is a bridge into that in a way that's actually really connecting. Jonathan Robinson: That's a fun game. Neil Sattin: Yeah, could you talk about how that one's done? Jonathan Robinson: Well, you do want to sometimes give your partner advice, and sometimes they see you, they know you better than you know you sometimes. So something my wife and I might do is I'll say, "Do you want to play the higher self-game," and she'll say, "Okay," and we take turns kind of being each other's guru, so I might say, "Well, I'm married to this woman who gets self-righteous really quickly. Dear guru what would you suggest I do when she gets really reactive and self-righteous quickly?" [chuckle] Jonathan Robinson: And then she has to answer as like a relationship guru. Well, it sounds like you might want to try this, this, and this, and it's kind of fun because rather than going back and forth and trying to prove that we're right, or you should do this, it's kind of like a game and it sets it up in a fun way where I can hear what she has to say. And a lot of times her advice to me about her has been right on because she knows what I'm doing that might make it better for her. And it's just kind of a fun way of being with each other where you can temporarily go into the role of advice-giver or a teacher without all the normal ramifications of that. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and you mentioned an important aspect of that often being that the advice giver, guru, person sit with their eyes closed or blindfolded. Jonathan Robinson: Yes, because that changes the normal mechanical way that you might be with each other. When you close your eyes and you're trying to give advice, it tends to help you to go deeper within and it also shuts you off from whether your partner is reacting to your advice. You get to really tune into, "What do I have to say to this question?" And that way it can be more pure and more truthful rather than a mechanical reaction to maybe how you think they're going to take it. Neil Sattin: Got it. Jonathan Robinson: I must say, Neil, I think you know this book better than I do at this point. I'm very depressed. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Well, it's fresh in my mind, so that's helpful, but don't worry, there will be no test. Nothing more than what we're already doing, I guess. Jonathan Robinson: Okay. Neil Sattin: It seems important to clarify, too, that if you're not doing that one as a structured exercise, one thing I noticed was that the simple practice isn't an offer to give your partner advice, it's asking them for advice. Can I get your best advice about something? So if you were going to sort of surreptitiously engage their higher self that's how you come at it when you're doing it more renegade style? Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, and people love that question, "Gee, honey, can I get your best advice about this?" And that's usually that asking for help in that vulnerable way usually leads to a lot more intimacy. Neil Sattin: When it comes to knowing your partner better, we touched on this earlier when we were talking about the desires and wondering whether or not we actually know what our partner's deepest desires are and that's something I appreciate about that list of 50, I'm sure there are more than that, right? But 50 is a pretty good start and it helps you I think access the nuances of how these desires are slightly different than each other And I think it's also important, I loved your exercise on the perfect partner, and how we can share information with each other in a safe way about what we wish we were experiencing from the other person as a way to help them. It's like I'm helping you help me. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, it's kind of like painting a picture. Sometimes the best way to learn is through an example, and somebody can tell you what Yosemite looks like but one picture of Yosemite and the game's over. You don't need to say anything more. And the same thing with what we want. So, writing out what my perfect partner would do, or what my perfect partner would say helps me to get example of what my wife is really wanting because I always thought that she wanted me to fix her problems and then she wrote out, "Well, my perfect partner would say this, this and this," and she never mentioned fixing her problems, she really wanted somebody who was incredibly empathetic. And when I really understood that she's not wanting my advice, she's wanting my empathy, my understanding, it helped me to change how I was with her, and now she has said, "Wow, you're really good at being my perfect partner now." And of course, that leads to more love. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I did an episode a while ago on writing the user manual for you for your partner. This is kind of my guide to me and how that can be such a sweet offering to your partner. I'm wondering what your thoughts are on how to do that in a way that doesn't come across as a criticism. Jonathan Robinson: Well, one sentence stem that can be a very simple way of doing it is to say something like three things that tend to trigger me are, so you're talking about you rather than your partner or three things that almost always lead me to feel more loving are... Because a lot of times we'll say that that person really pushes our buttons. Well, it's good to tell your partner what your buttons are. So that they know to avoid them, but we not only have upset buttons, we have love buttons. If my wife gives me a shoulder massage, I love her. A Gorilla could give me a shoulder massage, I'd love that gorilla that's just how I'm wired. Whereas, if I speak to my wife in a certain tone of voice, that she finds very loving, that is her love button. So just knowing what really triggers your partner towards upset or towards love in a very simple way is very valuable information. A lot of couples really don't know that information. Neil Sattin: That just feels like how helpful would that be in general if we just knew that about each other. I've heard Dan Sullivan, who has, he leads this company called Strategic Coach, he talks about that in the context of the work environment and giving the people who work with you like, "This is the recipe. If you want to piss me off, these are the things you can do," and basically listing all the kind of triggers that he has and if nothing else, once you know what triggers your partner, you gotta think twice before doing it or after you do it, maybe you'll think again like "Oh, I just did that thing that I know triggers them." Jonathan Robinson: Right, right. One thing that people often ask me about attitudes towards their partner, and if you can have an attitude of gratitude in your heart for your partner, I find that that makes love flow much more easily. Neil Sattin: Oh my goddess, I love that anecdote that you talked... Did you actually go to India for that, is that story true that happened? Jonathan Robinson: That story is true. I went to see another guru as well while I was there but... So the story is that this friend comes back from India and he says his guru gave him a magical mantra to help him to feel more grateful for both his life and his wife. And I'm always interested in very simple methods. So I said, "Well, what's the mantra?" He said, "Well, you'll have to go to India to get it." and I go "damn but India is a hard place to get to, it's 18,000 miles away" but I make a trip, because I wanted to visit this guru and another guru. So I get there and I have to wait in line five hours to talk to the guru for a minute, but I do that, I'm kinda pissed off because I didn't get this mantra from my friend. I told the guru I wanted this magical mantra for feeling more grateful towards my wife and such, and he says, in an Indian accent, "Ah, yes, my mantra is the most powerful mantra on earth." He leans into my ear to whisper it to me and he says, "Whenever possible, repeat the following words. The mantra I give you are the words thank you." While I look at him, I think he's joking with me and then, but he's not smiling, so I go, "Thank you, that's it? I traveled 18,000 miles to get 'thank you', that's it?" So he looks at me, he says, "No, no, no, 'that's it' is the mantra you have been using and that makes you feel like you never have enough, my mantra is 'thank you,' not 'that's it,' 'that's it' will take you nowhere." [laughter] Jonathan Robinson: So I'm totally pissed off at this point. And so I look at him, I kind of sneered him, I say, "Well then, thank you." And then he sneers at me, he says, "Thank you is not the mantra, you must say it from your heart many times a day, so when you wake up and you see your wife, say thank you from your heart and when you eat breakfast together, and you're enjoying talking, say Thank you from your heart, and when you see your child, say thank you from your heart and soon you will be filled with gratitude." Well, because I traveled so far, I actually did this and I found that to my amazement, it actually worked just taking a second, connecting with my heart and thinking and feeling thank you. My wife literally knows the days that I'm doing that without me saying anything. She says, "Your energy changes and I just feel so much more connected to you." Gratitude is like a secret back door that allows love in. And it's one more method that just seems to work that once you have that technology, it's almost like a superpower. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, I have a good friend who was going through a really stressful time in his life and came through it and when I was speaking to him about it, I asked, "What did you rely on when you were going through all that stress?" And the number one thing he said was, "I developed a gratitude practice and every morning when I woke up, I just spend five minutes basically in silent prayer thinking about all the things that I'm grateful for in my life, and that in and of itself pretty much turned things around for me." So it's so powerful. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, and the other thing I like which I think is so underrated is the power of good questions. On my website, I have what's called the 12 questions of instant intimacy that people can download for free. And if you ask the right question even if you're with a partner who doesn't want to do any communication, doesn't want to do any counseling, if you ask the right question, it opens up a magical door to intimacy. And I found that these 12 questions pretty much work with everyone. They work with your lover, your child, your co-worker, they're like secret weapons, so to speak, in the battle to have more love and less conflict. So I really like asking good questions, like an example might be, "What's been the highlight of your week or what gives you your greatest sense of joy in your life right now?" More people like talking about that, it makes them feel good. Or you ask, "What's one of the most amazing things you've ever experienced in your life? And people love these questions, but we don't ask them. And in this day and age, there's a lot of business, there's a lot of superficiality, but people really want deep connection and these types of questions help to open the door to depth and intimacy very, very quickly. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, I like one of the ones that you offer and you also have a separate exercise, that's kind of similar to this question, but it's what's something that you really want me to know about you? Jonathan Robinson: Yeah. Because if you can get people to feel they understand each other that is a real key. I never had couples come into my office and say, "Jonathan, we really understand each other quite well, that's why we want a divorce." [chuckle] Jonathan Robinson: But I do get the opposite, "We don't know, he doesn't understand me, I don't understand her," that can lead to trouble. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Well, in case you didn't get it when Jonathan just mentioned it, the full list of the 12 questions that lead to deeper intimacy is available on his website for this work, and that website is morelovelessconflict.com. And if you go to that site, right on the front page there, you'll be able to download the 12 questions for deeper intimacy and we'll have a link to that as well as anything else that feels relevant especially a link to Jonathan's book on Amazon, on the show notes page for this episode, so you can visit, again, Neilsattin.com/morelove, all squished together as one word. To see the show notes, download a transcript, you'll also get, as a bonus for downloading the transcript, the 50 universal desires worksheet, and then on top of that, we'll point you in the right direction to access more of Jonathan Robinson's work, which is I just love it, it's so imminently practical and useful, really usable. So I hope that you're able to practice some of the sentence stems that you've heard today and then put them to use in your life. Neil Sattin: So Jonathan before we go, I'm wondering, I'm trying to think now through because there are so many... And we've covered so many in this conversation together, and there are so many more in your book. So it really is, I feel like someone could get the book and kind of open to any page and be like, "Oh yeah, I'm going to try that tonight." It has that kind of flavor to it. So I'm wondering if you can talk about the process of when you actually do want something to change in your relationship, what have you found as a good way to help couples navigate? Like well, this really, this isn't okay the way it is right now, and I really want this one particular thing to shift if we could make that happen. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, that's a really big area. And of course, I talked about that a lot in the book. I think if you have the right ingredients then you can make it happen, if you don't, blame never works. You don't shame people into changing but if couples really are feeling close to each other and they make a request for something very specific, and then say, "How can I support you or what can I do to change something that bothers you, so we both are working on something that will benefit the relationship." That has a much better chance of success than the blame, complain, shame, method of changing which basically never works. So having good communication, saying something very precise, very specific, being willing to change something about yourself at the same time that your partner wants, that can be a really good method for couples actually making the difficult effort it requires to change something about yourself. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, and I love that, too, because in there, I feel like there's also an acknowledgment of how often we actually do know what would be meaningful for our partners, we may not know exactly what their deepest desires are, and that's why I think those conversations are helpful, but just like you could say, and you mentioned this in the book, if you ask someone, "Would you know how to piss off your partner?" They could do it, they could probably list 10 ways to do that. If you get right down deep into what you know about your partner, you probably also know something that would really light them up or make them feel super special, or loved, and I think it's great to offer those kinds of things. I mean, why not, right? If you can make someone's day, why wouldn't you? Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, yeah, and the other thing is, I think a lot of partners have to be focused on what feeds their soul, what feeds their sense of peace because when you feel peaceful and loving on your own, you probably make a better partner. I do a podcast called Awareness Explorers in which I interview spiritual teachers and I mentioned before like Dalai Lama, Adyashanti. Yeah, various people. And I'm always asking them, "What are your suggestions for going back to a place of peace?" Because I think the two most important things in life are peace and love and there's other ways to get them. You could have world peace, but what's the chance of that going to happen? That's not going to happen. So, how can you find inner peace? Now, with love, if you're lucky, you find a partner and you learn how to communicate that leads to a lot more love in your life, but there's also an inner way to love, loving yourself, having a connection with a higher power. But our mission in life should we decide to accept it is to find different paths to greater peace and love because when we're in touch with those things, we're at our best and we make a better partner, and we're better and more effective in the world, as well. Neil Sattin: Totally agree, totally agree. Although I'm struck by your cynicism about world peace, I think it's possible, maybe sometime in... Jonathan Robinson: Okay, maybe. Neil Sattin: Our children's lifetimes, our children's children. I'm holding out the hope for that. One thing that I'm wondering before we go is whether... So many couples... This is so ironic, I think they come into... They're in that moment of struggle and often really not knowing if they should stay in the relationship that they're in, especially when they're in the midst of big conflict. And then it can get confusing, right? Because if you have some technology that actually helps you get along and connect, well then it can feel like, "Well, do I want to leave this person or don't I?" And I'm wondering if you have... And I recognize this could be a whole another hour's conversation so I'm not entirely being fair to you and just asking for your quick take on this, but is there a place that you go that helps a couple be resourceful or maybe an individual who's contemplating that? Should I stay or should I go question, that makes that practical for them like a sense of like, well, even if you can get along, maybe if this is happening, you're not right together, or maybe this is the kind of thing you don't want to tolerate. Yeah, how do people make that call for themselves? Jonathan Robinson: Actually, I think that's really simple. What I find is when couples fully communicate honestly and vulnerably, one of two things will happen, they will either very quickly get back to a place of deep love and connection in which case, of course, they want to stay together or if they're very honest and communicating without blame and letting out all the things that they've been withholding, they may get to a place where they realize they want totally different things, and then they would naturally want to separate because we're not going after the same things in life anymore. But the key is really good communication. It will create the clarity that often is not there when couples are not so honest or so clear and vulnerable in their communication. Neil Sattin: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. And I think it's important to qualify that, just because you want two completely different things or 10 completely different things that doesn't necessarily mean you’re doomed, but if you're communicating clearly about it, then you get the opportunity to discover if you can navigate each other's vastly different desires and that feels good or generative or does it feel like there's just no way, in which case you're dealing with a deal-breaker. Jonathan Robinson: Right, right, and you're right, that you can want different things and still have a happy marriage. It's just a matter of whether you're able to navigate those things in a way that is agreeable to both people. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, it makes total sense. Well, Jonathan, it's been such a pleasure to talk to you today, and I'm glad we finally made it work with all those scheduling issues that were totally on me. Just so if you're listening, you're like, "What's up with Jonathan and his scheduling?" No, it was me. And so again, I appreciate your patience with that. And it was well worth the wait, so sweet to talk with you. Jonathan's book, More Love Less Conflict, a communication playbook for couples is available from a bookseller near you or online, and you can visit Jonathan's website Morelovelessconflict.com or you can check out his podcast that he just mentioned, Awareness Explorers, which is fascinating conversations with pioneers on the edge of consciousness. And Jonathan, is there anything else you'd like to add about ways people can find out about your work? I know you have a totally different body of work that you do, as well, and so, there's anything you'd like to add right now, this would be a great time. Jonathan Robinson: Just that people should download those questions at Morelovelessconflict.com and keep exploring stuff. I'm not naturally good at this stuff, which allows me to get good at teaching it, because by finding methods that worked for my wife and I really made a huge difference. I also want to say Neil, you're a great interviewer, I see why your podcast is so popular. It's really fun to go into some depth about some of these issues and hopefully help some people. Neil Sattin: Well, thank you so much for saying that. I appreciate it. Jonathan Robinson: You deserve it. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Okay.  

My husband, Carl Wilson, and I are answering your biggest questions about the engagement season. We talk about how to navigate conflict, how to communicate and how to make decisions with your fiancé.

Hey friends! Welcome to Girls’ Night! I’m Stephanie May Wilson and I’m so happy that you’re here. Each week, I have a girlfriend over, and we talk through one of the biggest questions we have about our lives as women. We’re talking about friendships, and faith, and relationships, and self-confidence. About our calling in life […] The post Girls Night #57: Navigating Conflict, Communication, And Expectations When You’re Engaged appeared first on stephanie may wilson.

Rory Miller is a prolific author on all matters relating to violence. He is a 17 year veteran of a County Sherif's Department where he lead CERT teams and ran operational safety and defensive tactics training. He also served in Iraq as a civilian advisor to the Iraqi correctional system. His critically acclaimed works include: Meditations on Violence, Facing Violence, Training for Sudden Violence, Conflict Communication, and many more. For more information on Rory, please visit his website: www.chirontraining.com

Rory Miller is a prolific author on all matters relating to violence. He is a 17 year veteran of a County Sherif's Department where he lead CERT teams and ran operational safety and defensive tactics training. He also served in Iraq as a civilian advisor to the Iraqi correctional system. His critically acclaimed works include: Meditations on Violence, Facing Violence, Training for Sudden Violence, Conflict Communication, and many more. For more information on Rory, please visit his website: www.chirontraining.com

Rory Miller joins us to discuss his book Conflict Communication, manipulation, and how to handle hostile confrontations easily. Can social engineering be used for good as well as evil? Can these skills save your life? Find out in this episode... ~ Become a supporting member here: http://www.itrh.net ~ Get episode resources here: https://www.intherabbithole.com/e271

This is a chronological, historical archive of sermons, teachings, and events of The Oaks Community Church. See other Playlists for easier access to specific episodes, and see the Series list for teachings on each book of the Bible (our 2020 Bible Survey)