Podcasts about Drat

Geoff and Marie's Good Life: Part 11Going DancingThey meet Mia's mum and rethink their terms and conditions.Based on posts by Only In My Mind, in 15 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Explicit Novels.My name is Geoff. If you are reading my stories in chronological order you will know that my wife and I are both retired and involved, sexually, with several of her friends. One in particular, Angie, is so close to us that we have invited her to be a third person in our relationship and, to that end, we are planning a Star Wars themed ceremony to celebrate our union in front of family and friends.Gone Dancing.This account begins one Thursday, when our grandson had invited a friend's mum to visit us after school. Colin, said grandson, had asked us if he could invite Mia, a school friend, to our wedding as his plus-one. I agreed, on condition that her mum was okay with Mia attending and approved of her choice of outfit. As we were having our costumes designed and made by students at the local university's fashion design faculty, at our expense, I had veto rights and I thought Mia's choice was fine. But still, if Mia's mum thought that her daughter's costume would be inappropriate, they would have to agree on something else. That was why I wanted to meet them both.Mia's mum, well, she had told Colin that she wanted to talk to us because she was a little confused. I assumed that was because Colin had asked her daughter to accompany him to a wedding involving three people, with the participants and guests dressed in Sci-Fi characters' costumes. I respected the lady for wanting to know a little more about us under the circumstances, before she consented.Anyway, that was only one issue I faced that Thursday. The other was that the previous evening Lucy, an unhappily married artist in her early sixties, had offered herself to me as a free-use fuck-toy. Oddly enough, it took the three women to persuade me to accept her offer; I know; You would have snapped her hand off if it had been you; I'm a worrier, so I didn't.The thing is, the girls (their words) suggested that Lucy wanted to help me to explore my inner self. As a retired materials science researcher, that wasn't something that came naturally to me: as an artist, it was what Lucy tried to do whenever she could. Eventually, of course, I caved and the following hour or so found her bound and gagged, tortured with vibrators, nipple clamps, heat, cold and whips before I finally had sex with her, twice. Fortunately, she loved it. Unfortunately Marie, my wife, found my apparent excesses disturbing. That morning, she seemed as though she was still trying to come to terms with why.Marie seemed subdued as we ate breakfast. "Are we okay?" I asked, hesitantly, uncertain as to whether I'd strayed over some obvious boundary the previous evening."WE are fine," she tried to reassure me. "I, on the other hand, am finding that I'm not nearly as sexually secure as I try to try to pretend."I took a leaf out of Ronan Keating's book, or his songbook anyway. Oh, come on; 'You say it best when you say nothing at all'. Surely? Never mind. I sat quietly waiting for my wife to gather her thoughts.Her eyes filled with tears. I stood, took her hand and led her to the living room. I sat her on the sofa and cuddled up next to her. "When you're ready, I'm here for you," I told her. "You don't have to, but I hope you trust me enough to share whatever it is that's troubling you."She gave a brave little smile as she took a tissue from the box on the coffee table. "It's such a long time ago. It felt like it happened to someone else, until Lucy described what you did to her: Then something just felt so wrong. I realized, only this morning, what it was."I didn't feel so flippant now. But she was happy to talk without prompting, so I let her set her own pace.Taking a deep breath, she resumed her explanation. "We were both about ten or eleven. My cousin Paul and me. We were just playing together in the garden one summer and he found some twine. We were comfortable with each other so I let him tie my hands behind my back and he tickled me. It was awful. I cried. Then he touched me, because he could. I couldn't stop him. I was bound and totally helpless. I started to scream and he let me go. I never told anyone and, by the time I met you, he was dead. He had joined the forces; a Para. He died in the Falklands."Marie wiped her eyes. "It was wrong but, if he'd said he was sorry, I'd have forgiven him. We were only kids. But, without realizing it, I've carried that memory, buried, for years." She look apologetically at me. "I'm sorry, Geoff. When Lucy described how helpless she felt, it reminded me of that experience. I don't think I can do it."I shook my head. She didn't understand. "Marie. What I did with Lucy was for her. Yes, I went further than I would usually have been comfortable with, but I made sure that she had opportunities to back out or stop at any time. She didn't." This was important to me. I knelt in front of Marie and looked her in the eye. "If I never do that again, I won't care. If it disturbs you, it will never be repeated. But I will never ask any of you to let me do anything that would hurt you. Lucy wants to do it again. Angie is desperate to try. Sam might enjoy something similar, so might Megan. But you, my love, you don't, so I don't want you to. It's that simple.""You aren't disappointed?" She seemed surprised."Not at all." I thought for a moment. "Well, yes; a little." Marie's eyes started to fill up again so I carried on, hurriedly. "I'm disappointed that you think I'd feel like that. I will never expect you to do anything you don't want to. I will always accept "No" as a complete answer. No need to justify or explain. Are you reassured?""I think so. I think that I feel better for telling you too.""What about the others?" I decided that while we were having this conversation it was the right time to set boundaries.She understood. "I think I was worried that you doing this, with them, would normalize it. That you'd do it to me without thinking, or worse, resent me for rejecting you." She looked at with genuine concern. "You wouldn't; would you?""Never. I know who you are and I think I've come to know what you like. By all means let's test our limits, but never to the point where one of us is unhappy. Are we agreed?"She seemed much happier. "Agreed. And, to be clear, you are free to do anything the other girls ask you to. It was Lucy who bragged about what you did, not you. And she obviously relished every second." Marie pondered for a moment. "Well, afterwards, possibly not during," she grinned.We sat for a little while then went back to the kitchen, where I made us both a fresh cup of tea to replace the drinks that had cooled while we'd talked. We were just finishing the washing up when my phone rang. It was Mike. I'd offered to pay for him to take his wife and sister in law to the pub the previous night to spy on Lucy's fuckwit husband. I'd forgotten that he'd promised an update that morning. I told my wife that I'd explain later and hit the 'Answer call' icon. As Lucy was Marie's friend it seemed only fair she heard our conversation. I switched my phone to speaker."Good morning Mike. Marie is here with me and you are on speaker. Hung over at all?" We heard a snort of laughter."You should know, when you're involved with two women then obviously you get twice as much supervision. So no," he replied.Marie looked enquiringly at me. "Mike, Marie is just finding out that I asked you to do some spying for me. Tell us, was Eddie there?""He was. And the group he was with were an obnoxious crew. Loud, foul mouthed boors the lot of them. Not just the men either."Marie and I shared a look. "So he plays darts with women too?""Darts?" Mike sounded surprised. "Who mentioned darts? They don't even have a dartboard in The Fox and Hounds.""Well," I explained. "Eddie told his wife, a friend of ours, that Wednesday night is now his darts night.""Sorry Geoff," Mike replied. "The only double top your mate was interested in was bulging out of the low cut blouse belonging to the tarty looking slapper he was buying drinks for all night."Whatever vestiges of guilt I'd felt for including Lucy in our 'language classes' evaporated instantly.I needed to be certain. "Are you sure it was Eddie?""I thought you might ask, so I took a photo of my two best girls and made sure that my target was clearly visible behind them. I'm sending it now." A picture of two pleasant looking women in their forties popped on my screen. Marie and I both recognized Lucy's husband in the background. We didn't recognize the plain, big titted woman with her arm around his neck."Asshole!" Marie growled. I was puzzled. Lucy was admittedly at least fifteen years older than the woman with her arm around Eddie but she (Lucy) was slimmer, prettier and, from personal experience, a sexual dynamo. Why the Hell was Eddie rejecting sex with Lucy while he's all over the pooch in the pub?I reminded Mike that he and his ladies were invited to our wedding and suggested that they look on-line for costume ideas. I warned him that some had already been chosen but they had all of the film and TV franchises to choose from, so duplication shouldn't be an issue. He promised to send me images once they'd made their minds up. Becky, his wife, was excited to be invited and wanted to do something similar for their shared lover, Ruth, though Harry Potter was more their style.I reminded him to text his bank details so that I could pay my dues and, after we said our goodbyes, I turned to Marie. "Why?" Was all I said. She understood perfectly."I know Lucy is my friend but; That other woman, she's;” I was impressed. It takes a lot to render my wife speechless.I had to ask. "Has Lucy ever said anything to make you think that there are some er, activities, that are off limits?""For God's sake, Geoff!" She retorted. "Only last night she offered herself to you as a free-use fuck-doll. She's always been sexually adventurous." She looked puzzled. "I can't begin to imagine what that busty blob has that Lucy hasn't."Neither could I, so we shelved that conversation for later and turned our attention to preparing for our guests that evening. After changing the bedding from the previous evening's entertainment, we sat and decided on our menus for the coming week. A quick check to see if any store-cupboard items needed replenishing and we were off to our local supermarket. Marie hit the sea-food counter while I dawdled in the wine aisle. There was an offer on, so I loaded up on some old favorites and added a couple of bottles I'd not tried before. An Alvarinho vinho verde from Portugal caught my eye. It seemed an ideal partner for that evening's seafood dish. Into the trolley it went."What?" I tried to look innocent when Marie caught up with me. "There's twenty percent off. The more I buy, the more we save." She shook her head and guided me gently, but firmly, to the produce aisle. We returned home without further incident.Angie joined us after lunch and we worked happily together prepping for our evening meal. There would be six of us at the table, but we made sure that there would be some leftovers for Linda, our daughter. She was taking the opportunity to use her early finish to get her hair done while Colin ate with us.Short grain rice, seafood, onion, peppers, garlic and peas. Fish stock, tomatoes, chorizo and a pinch of saffron. All laid out ready for Marie to cook. It was her turn, once we'd had a chat with our visitors."Angie?" I asked, to get her attention.She looked up from cleaning a piece of squid. "Yes dear?" We were being unusually domesticated so her mischievous grin was probably warranted.I know you helped me cook breakfast, but you've never invited us to eat at your place. Do you cook or what?"I noticed that my wife was now concentrating very intently on de-veining a prawn, suspiciously so."I can cook," Angie admitted. I could tell that there was a 'but' about to make an appearance. "Quite well, in fact. But." Yes! I knew it was coming. "I get really bitchy if someone is helping in my kitchen and they don't do exactly as I say.""But you're okay doing this?" I persisted."Of course." She seemed to find the question rather ridiculous. "You ask me to rinse this; I'll rinse it. We're fine. But: In my kitchen, if I ask you to brown some onion in a pan, I expect you to use the correct pan, the right amount of the right sort of oil and to produce perfectly sliced onion cooked to precisely the right color exactly when I need it. Otherwise I tend to get a bit cross." She looked a little uncomfortable. "I know. That makes me sound like Gordon Ramsey with tits, but it's how I am."Marie was trying to keep a straight face but eventually surrendered. "I once tried to help her prepare a meal to impress her first husband's boss and his wife. I was slicing some carrots and the julienne were slightly different sizes. She threw them in the bin and we nearly came to blows. In the end I just did the washing up and let her highness rule the kitchen. It wasn't worth the grief." Marie reached across and hugged her friend. "I still love you though. Even after that." They were both laughing as we finished off and tidied up.We sat and watched some more of our Star Wars episodes while we waited for Mia's mum to arrive with the two teens. Exactly on schedule, the front door burst open and Colin bawled, "Hi everybody. We're here!" Marie went to greet our visitors while Angie and I turned off the TV and stood ready to meet Mia and her mum for the first time.Colin booled in first, dragging a tall, pretty teenage girl by the hand. "This is Mia," he informed us. "This is my grandad," he pointed me out to his friend. "And this is Grangie," he said proudly. "They're all really clever, but Grangie is especially smart." He dropped his voice to a hoarse whisper. "She's why your mum wants to meet. I think we're best off keeping out of the way." He dragged her away to the study giving her little chance to say anything but a squeaked, "Hi" before they disappeared.Marie ushered a buxom woman in her late thirties, an amazon, think Brienne of Tarth from Game of Thrones, into the room and they both stood for a moment, presumably wondering where the kids were. Marie collected her wits. "Wendy, this is my husband Geoff." I nodded a welcome. "And this is our special friend Angie." Angie copied my greeting. "Obviously, this is Mia's mum, Wendy."Now the introductions were done, Marie asked if Wendy wanted a drink and we all decided on a cup of tea. Angie was anxious to help, she isn't at her best in situations like this, so it fell to me to entertain our guest. We chatted about the two kids and I took the opportunity to size up our new acquaintance. That was probably a rather Freudian slip. Wendy was a big lady. Not obese, even plump would be a misdescription; it just seemed as though there was a lot of her. She seemed to relax as we spoke. Colin was obviously comfortable in our home, the noises from the kitchen were reassuringly domestic and I made it a point not to stare at her magnificent bosom.She was, in fact, a rather attractive woman. Pleasant, open features, a nice smile, long brown hair past her shoulders and, as I may have implied, spectacularly large tits. I made a mental note to ask Marie what cup size she thought Wendy required: purely for reporting purposes, of course. The other thing of note was that she was at least as tall as me; probably an inch or more taller.Marie bustled in carrying a tray with four cups and Angie followed with a plate bearing biscuits and cakes. Marie excused herself for a moment while she went to remind Colin to make sure his guest was properly catered for. Apparently they assured her that they were fine and would raid the kitchen once homework was done.Marie looked to me. Right; I was elected spokesman. "So Wendy," I began, settling back in my seat to seem less intense. "Colin has invited Mia to be his plus one at our ceremony and you are wondering what's going on. Is that a fair summary?"She took a sip of her tea before she replied. "I'm sure you can see why that is. I don't mean to pry but Mia's welfare has to be my priority."Neither of the girls seemed inclined to contribute yet so I soldiered on. "Angie here has been my wife's closest friend, since before we were married. I've always been fond of her too. But recently," I looked at the girls, they seemed happy with my approach. "Our feelings have intensified and we both regard her as being more than just a friend. We realized that we are both emotionally attached to her, and her to us." I paused to make sure that Wendy was on the same page, or at least not stricken with horror. In the absence of any expression of disgust, I continued. "We want to declare our affection publicly and formalize, as best we can within the law, our new relationship. Marie and I have already had a traditional wedding; so has Angela; twice, in fact. We decided that a themed ceremony might be more entertaining for us and our guests."She seemed interested rather than appalled so I kept going. "Hence Colin's invitation to Mia to accompany him in a costume to fit in with our Star Wars theme." I decided that was a good place to stop for feedback."So this 'ceremony' that Colin has invited my daughter to is to acknowledge you two, a legally married couple, inviting you, Angela, into your relationship?" She paused, gazing thoughtfully at us all. "That's so lovely. I wish more people would open themselves up to their feelings like that." Her smile as she spoke illuminated the room."Does that mean you are okay with Mia attending with Colin?" Marie asked. "They will be the youngest ones there."Wendy was dismissive. "Colin is a lovely polite lad. His mother seems nice and I'm not getting any worrying vibes from any of you. I'm happy and Mia seems keen to be there.""Has she discussed her outfit?" That was me."Her dad was a fan of the films, so I think I've seen them all. Most of the costumes are fairly tame, and the one Mia showed me, the white stretch suit, is no more revealing than the tight joggers and crop tops girls her age wear every weekend to go shopping." She looked a little wistful.I glanced at my wife and got an almost imperceptible nod in reply. "Wendy. If you'd like, we'd be happy to extend the invitation to you too; if you don't think Mia would think you were being a third wheel on their date.""Who would I go as?" She snorted. "Jabba the Hutt? I mean, look at me."We did. She was tall, broad shouldered but proportioned, with an actual waistline. Her long hair and feminine features rather mitigated her size. Did I mention her boobs? She had a lovely complexion too. All in all she was a big sexy woman who didn't see what we did.Angie said what I was just beginning to consider. "Cara Dune," she blurted out. Then, putting her hand to her mouth, she looked to me to rescue her. Wendy seemed nonplussed."We're part way through watching some TV spinoffs," I explained. "Angie and I admit to being Sci-Fi nerds. One of the female characters, Cara Dune, is a powerfully built woman. Let Marie show you the costume she has chosen already while Angie finds some Cara images. Meanwhile, I'll go and check on the kids."I left the three women scrolling through their phones and sought out the two teenagers in the study. I made sure they heard me coming; I wasn't trying to catch them having a quiet cuddle. In reality, they were both reading studiously when I opened the door. I smiled to myself. Colin's book was upside down. I pointed and made circle motion with my finger. He looked puzzled then down at his book and blushed. "Drat! Mia, we've been busted."I shook my head and tapped the side of my nose. "Be sensible and be discreet. That's all we expect. Now do you want anything in the kitchen?"They both declined so I left them to their 'reading'. I left the door open, just to make a point.Back in the living room, the three women were happily comparing notes. Wendy loved the idea of Mia in white and Colin in black. She was amazed at the warrior costume Marie had chosen and how similar in principle it was to Cara Dune's. She was obviously intrigued by our idea."The thing is," Wendy said, hesitantly. "I'm not sure that I can really afford two costumes. Not this intricate, anyway.""Sweetheart, that's not your problem," Angie reassured her. "I'm paying for everyone's costume. We're having them all individually made at my expense. You just have to turn up to get measured."Wendy wasn't convinced. "You don't want

Happy Tuesday! Ryan Day opens the show with a press conference that actually finished incredibly strong. He gives us some actual insight on how the spring game impacted his perception of the QB battle. The Shedeur Sanders Saga has so many different angles to this. Are the Browns the actual problem here? Sam Amico joins us to discuss the Cavaliers and the NBA Playoffs. Two former NFL QBs have inside information on why Shedeur Sanders fell in the draft. Cory Kinnan of Daft on Drat joins the show to help us round out some more draft thoughts. We close out the show by Telling the Truth.

Gage and Jessica reminisce about Dick Dastardly despite his name not living up to its 16th century meaning. Drat! Meanwhile, Philadelphia isn't particularly amused by Dick Dastardly but she finds her own jokes quite clever and entertaining. Double drat!!

The latest In Touch With iOS with Dave he is joined by guest, Chuck Joiner, Marty Jencius, Jeff Gamet. Vision Pro's launch and its innovative features.  We also discuss new iOS beta releases, the health impact of the Apple Watch, and the current status of Apple CarPlay. Additionally, we share excitement for the return of Ted Lasso and the upcoming Star Trek film, Section 31.. The show notes are at InTouchwithiOS.com  Direct Link to Audio  Links to our Show Give us a review on Apple Podcasts! CLICK HERE we would really appreciate it! Click this link Buy me a Coffee to support the show we would really appreciate it. intouchwithios.com/coffee  Another way to support the show is to become a Patreon member patreon.com/intouchwithios Website: In Touch With iOS YouTube Channel In Touch with iOS Magazine on Flipboard Facebook Page BlueSky Mastodon X Instagram Threads Spoutible Summary Topics and Links We kick off our discussion with a reflection on the soon-to-launch Vision Pro, which celebrates one year since its pre-order announcement. Both Chuck and Jeff weigh in on their experiences with the device. Marty shares his excitement over finally receiving his unit on launch day, discussing the ease of using the Mac virtual display feature that has garnered positive feedback from early adopters. We explore how the hand gesture controls and enhanced features like the theater app contribute to a powerful viewing experience. The conversation shifts to the competitive landscape, as we analyze Samsung's upcoming VR headset project and its similarities to the Vision Pro, debating whether it can stand up to Apple's innovative tech. Throughout the episode, we touch on the recent beta releases for iOS, including the updates that are introducing new features for enhanced productivity. Marty provides insight into the impact of notification summaries and Apple Intelligence on user experience, reflecting on the balance between technology utility and user satisfaction. We share humorous anecdotes while exploring the Mac updates, including the nostalgia of the Mac mini's 20th anniversary and the impact of Apple's iconic 1984 Super Bowl commercial. The group takes a moment to celebrate the unique role the Apple Watch has played in users' lives. From helping Whole Foods' founder improve his health to being pivotal in Tim Cook's father's emergency, we discuss the profound impact of health tracking features. While opinions are shared on the role of tech in personal health journeys, we emphasize that tools like the Apple Watch are more than just gadgets; they can indeed facilitate significant lifestyle changes. In the latter part of our discussion, we reflect on the recent news surrounding Apple CarPlay, including its delayed rollout and what that means for consumers. The topic shifts to the entertainment realm as Nick Muhammad hints at the return of Ted Lasso for a fourth season, spurring excitement over the beloved show's influence on Apple TV+. Finally, we touch upon the upcoming Star Trek film, Section 31, starring Michelle Yeoh, discussing the anticipation leading to its release and sharing hopes for future Star Trek content. In Touch With Vision Pro this week.  Vision Pro: One Year Later - Promise, Potential, and Pricing Challenges Preorders 1/19/24 shipped 2/2/24.  1 Year Ago Apple Vision Pro Preorders Went Live Samsung's VR Headset Looks a Lot Like Apple Vision Pro visionOS 2.3 RC Release Notes MoviePass made a film trailer app for the Oculus Quest and Apple Vision Pro Beta this week.  Apple Seeds Release Candidate Versions of iOS 18.3 and iPadOS 18.3 Apple Seeds Release Candidate Versions of watchOS 11.3, tvOS 18.3 and visionOS 2.3 Here Are Apple's Full Release Notes for iOS 18.3  iOS 18.3 Tweaks Calculator App Functionality  macOS Sequoia 15.3 and iOS 18.3 Enable Apple Intelligence Automatically  iOS 18.3 Adds New Visual Intelligence Features for iPhone 16 iOS 18.3 will temporarily remove a feature from your iPhone, but for good reason These two Apple Intelligence features will even work on your Apple Watch iOS 18.3 warns you cropped content isn't actually removed from PDF screenshots In Touch With Mac this week Apple Seeds macOS Sequoia 15.3 Release Candidate to Developers macOS Sequoia 15.3 Launching Soon: Here Are the Release Notes  Apple's Mac Mini Turns 20 Today Apple's Famous '1984' Commercial Aired 41 Years Ago Today Apple Introduced the LaserWriter 40 Years Ago Today Settings > Desktop & Dock turn off “Drat windows to screen edges to tile,” and “Drag windows to menu bar to fill screen. The Grand Central Hall stunt for ‘Severance' was genius. Its LinkedIn profile might be even better  Apple Says Several Car Makers Still Plan to Support Next-Generation CarPlay  Apple confirms CarPlay 2's delay with removal of 2024 date from website News Plex Introduces Redesigned Apple TV App That You Can Test Right Now  Lawyer explains why Apple can't bring TikTok back to the App Store yet  Apple Watch helped Whole Foods founder give up drinking: 'It changed my life' Lifesaving Apple Watch feature came to the rescue of Tim Cook's dad Ted Lasso season 4 ‘will be announced shortly' per Apple TV+ star Star Trek: Section 31 is firing on all cylinders Announcements Macstock 9 is next summer. It's back again for 3 Days on July 11, 12, and 13th, 2025. Newsletter link here: https://mailchi.mp/0c81790aa2a8/macstock8-10132503?e=eb0c7039b1 Macstock 8 wrapped up for 2024. But you can purchase the digital pass and still see the great talks we had including Dave talking about Apple Services and more. Content is now available! .  Click here for more information: Digital Pass | Macstock Conference & Expo with discounts on previous events.  Our Host Dave Ginsburg is an IT professional supporting Mac, iOS and Windows users and shares his wealth of knowledge of iPhone, iPad, Apple Watch, Apple TV and related technologies. Visit the YouTube channel https://youtube.com/intouchwithios follow him on Mastadon @daveg65, and the show @intouchwithios   Our Regular Contributors Jeff Gamet is a podcaster, technology blogger, artist, and author. Previously, he was The Mac Observer's managing editor, and Smile's TextExpander Evangelist. You can find him on Mastadon @jgamet as well as Twitter and Instagram as @jgamet  His YouTube channel https://youtube.com/jgamet Marty Jencius, Ph.D., is a professor of counselor education at Kent State University, where he researches, writes, and trains about using technology in teaching and mental health practice. His podcasts include Vision Pro Files, The Tech Savvy Professor and Circular Firing Squad Podcast. Find him at jencius@mastodon.social  https://thepodtalk.net  About our Guest Chuck Joiner is the host of MacVoices and hosts video podcasts with influential members of the Apple community. Make sure to visit macvoices.com and subscribe to his podcast. You can follow him on Twitter @chuckjoiner and join his MacVoices Facebook group.

durée : 00:04:22 - Le marché de François-Régis Gaudry - par : François-Régis Gaudry - Cette semaine, on file en Corse où l'on est en plein dans la saison des agrumes…

Your Humble Host today will be playing another of my very own Jean Shepherd tapes I recorded in the '70's. And bonus it just happens to be a Christmas Jean Shepherd show originally heard December 6, 1974 but I recorded it from an FM radio source on March 17, 1975. It's the Library of Sound (LOS) Volume 383 as we'll hear Shep talk about his precious gift while in the army, a 5 foot salami!! It was a perfect gift if you're in the army and the boys around all love a good chunk of tasty salami. Mmm, I'm getting in the mood for some myself. Drat, none in the house, put that on my shopping list. Enjoy this Christmas present from your Humble Host's very own Shepherd Vault.

SNARGLEFLOPS!

SNARGLEFLOPS!

WebThis episode of D&D - well just Drat - we interview a fellow RUSVM alumni, Dr. Kat Van Zant.  She shares a lot of insight on Holistic, Eastern veterinary medicine, particularly the process of acquiring this certification, as well as how holistic vets may practice. Think of it, and I quote 'Western medicine is putting out the fire, Eastern medicine is preventing it.'  Dr. KVZ also shares her experience with self-promotion, particularly on social media - it's pros and cons - the trials and tribulations of putting yourself out there for the world to view, love, and unfortunately scrutinize.  You can follow Dr. Van Zant on all social media platforms, or sign up for her newsletter on her website below! website: https://www.zenpethealth.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/katvanzantofficial/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@katvanzant

Drat & Drake hang out with Noal as he shares his years of experience in the vet field. Noal ranks his favorite specialties, discusses the incredible evolution of veterinary medicine, and gives us veterinarians a better scope of a life of a technician.  Bonus: did you know it's illegal to call a veterinarian technician a 'nurse'? (but we still want to do it)

Another new Drat & Drake segment we're calling 'Next Level'. As I discussed before, we try not to have any particular medical jargon for a number of reasons, but when we get the opportunity for some really cool studies with a good friend we can't help but learn some tidbits on niche treatments. Let's learn a few things about dialysis! Dr. Tyler Johnson discusses some applications, obstacles, and limitations to extracorporeal therapies (try saying that 5 times in a row).  At the same time, we discuss a little more about relationships and plants! 

Join the guys as we talk draft for the AFC South.Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/afc-south-fan-battle--4817141/support.

D&D welcome new graduate but seasoned doctor, Taelor Aasen to the podcast! Taelor has a truly inspirational story as someone who took full use of her resources in veterinary school and came out guns blazing and now works as a successful ER doctor.  Topics we discuss today include: - ER relief - Surviving and getting the most out of vet school - Finding the right hospital for you - Dealing with criticism or scary mentors Also, what was Dr. Tam's baby's first words?!

Veterinarian...guitarist...marathon runner...and founder of Hubavet - a new Telehealth service for veterinarians. What else does he do?! Jump into the heart and soul of Dr. Atalla as he discusses his journey as a veterinarian and his vision for Hubavet. Click here to check our Hubavet!

Who doesn't hate a good ol' mosquito or two? These annoying and also deadly creatures cause enough issues to us first world country, but to add on being one of the most deadly animals towards humans (aside from other humans) in the world? Today's episode we talk about some methods our global top scientists have used to try to control the world's mosquito population. So far, things sound kind of promising

Hour 3 -  The Ravens could look to add another running back in the draft this year. Vinny breaks down the tape on Wisconsin's Braelon Allen. Would he be a good fit for Baltimore?

This episode is a long one but for a good reason! Drat & Drake discuss many of the various ways a veterinarian could utilize their degree, inside and out of practicing just medicine. We go into the big obvious ones like General Practice, Emergency, Internships & Residencies, but also dive a little into hollistic medicine, social media, entrepreneurship and others.  As promised in the episode, here are some links to some of our shoutouts! Dr. Afifa Rahim 's instagram - https://www.instagram.com/dr.fifarahim_leong The Pawlyclinic's instagram (Dr. Rahim's business) -  https://www.instagram.com/thepawlyclinic Dr. Meghan Barrett's linktree - https://linktr.ee/drbarrettvet Dr. Aman Kanwar's clothing company - https://snkskn.com/ Dr. Zonram Liao's instagram - https://www.instagram.com/dr.zonramliao

Drat & Drake return from Orlando after attending VMX, the largest veterinary conference in the world.  We went to several talks together and give our inputs...mostly on drugs.  Stay tuned!

This week Drat and Drake speak with their first guest - Dr. Auge, a special member of the family! Dr. Auge is Dr. Drake's mother, who shares her extensive experience as a seasoned veterinarian.  Do you want to learn more about the concept of a cat clinic? Is your partner or spouse a veterinarian like yourself? What's the update on scruffing cats?

We're so hard on ourselves! We're also pretty hard on others and it's so easy to judge - arguably project our own poor self-esteem and image.  Brew up a cup of coffee of tea, sit through some traffic, or work out to Dr. AT & Drake dedicate some time talking about our personal standards in the veterinary field and what it means to value yourself as a doctor.  Comment on your own thoughts and standards - it's incredibly subjective! Bonus topic: Alfred goes on a huge tangent about boardgames. They're complex, their beautifully made, and they're fun! Let us know what board games you guys love to play, or if you have any recommendations!

I'm happy to introduce Dr. Remington Drake to the channel as a new member of the podcast. We are officially Drat & Drake! More episodes to follow... ...but first, who is Dr. Drake?

This week, Mike recapped the picks and polls from the First Round of the Season 7 draft, and even managed to resist the urge to make Dick Grayson puns! GROWTH! (Wait, is that a Dick pun? Drat!) --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/racial-draft-podcast/support

For the first Backstage Babble episode of 2024, I'm thrilled to present my conversation with Oscar-nominated actress Lesley Ann Warren. Tune in to hear her tell some of the stories of her legendary career, including how Lee Strasberg helped with her part in DRAT! THE CAT!, how 110 IN THE SHADE taught her the meaning of a showstopper, the trouble with rehearsing GONE WITH THE WIND, how she almost played a different role in CLUE, why Blake Edwards was a great director, the challenges of playing a sociopath on screen, returning to Broadway with DREAM, why CINDERELLA was a dream come true, and so much more.

Devarim, 'Helek 19, Si'ha 5 - Donner sa vie pour un cédrat

(6/28/23) Consumer confidence is on the rise, along with company expectations; the Fed says, "Drat!" Rising markets ease economic conditions, which will bring inflation back into the economy. Trade sanctions against China could deflate markets; AI has been the "new theme" this year. Danny's Canadian travelogue. Why low interest rates are NOT good for the economy; rates are always a function of economic growth. Howard Marks on interest rates. The problem with financing debt; living in the alternative universe of Apple's VR. When helping adult children financially hurts, them AND you. The benefit of making kids learn early to pay taxes. Learning to use debt strategically. Paying back the student loans working at Sam's Club. According to the VIX, there's no volatility in the market. How to boost retirement income by 29% with annuities (they're not for everyone!) SEG-1: Consumer Confidence & Expectations on the Rise; The Fed: "Drat!" SEG-2: Why Lower Interest Rates are NOT Coming Bank SEG-3: When Helping Your Adult Children Hurts--Them and You. SEG-4: Paying Back Debt; No Volatility; Boost Retirement Income 29% Hosted by RIA Advisors Chief Investment Strategist Lance Roberts, CIO, w Senior Advisor Danny Ratliff, CFP Produced by Brent Clanton, Executive Producer -------- Watch today's show on our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lwgXEy5xfc&list=PLVT8LcWPeAugpcGzM8hHyEP11lE87RYPe&index=1&t=4s -------- The latest installment of our new feature, Before the Bell | "US Sanctions Against Chip Sales to China Deflate Stocks" is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwG1fzY5p5s&list=PLwNgo56zE4RA3snVQyugvOF5TwZ1Xu7bm&index=1 -------- Our previous show is here: "Could "Revised" Economic Data Drive Rates Higher?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPPvClZxJ78&list=PLVT8LcWPeAugpcGzM8hHyEP11lE87RYPe&index=1&t=4s -------- Article Mentioned in Today's Show: "Bull Trap Or A Bull Market?" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/bull-trap-or-a-bull-market/ ------- Get more info & commentary: https://realinvestmentadvice.com/newsletter/ -------- SUBSCRIBE to The Real Investment Show here: http://www.youtube.com/c/TheRealInvestmentShow -------- Visit our Site: https://www.realinvestmentadvice.com Contact Us: 1-855-RIA-PLAN -------- Subscribe to SimpleVisor: https://www.simplevisor.com/register-new -------- Connect with us on social: https://twitter.com/RealInvAdvice https://twitter.com/LanceRoberts https://www.facebook.com/RealInvestmentAdvice/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/realinvestmentadvice/ #InvestingAdvice #InterestRates #FederalReserve #EconomicGrowth #AdultChildren #StudentLoanDebt #MarketVolatility #RetirementIncome #Markets #Money #Investing

(6/28/23) Consumer confidence is on the rise, along with company expectations; the Fed says, "Drat!" Rising markets ease economic conditions, which will bring inflation back into the economy. Trade sanctions against China could deflate markets; AI has been the "new theme" this year. Danny's Canadian travelogue. Why low interest rates are NOT good for the economy; rates are always a function of economic growth. Howard Marks on interest rates. The problem with financing debt; living in the alternative universe of Apple's VR. When helping adult children financially hurts, them AND you. The benefit of making kids learn early to pay taxes. Learning to use debt strategically. Paying back the student loans working at Sam's Club. According to the VIX, there's no volatility in the market. How to boost retirement income by 29% with annuities (they're not for everyone!)   SEG-1: Consumer Confidence & Expectations on the Rise; The Fed: "Drat!" SEG-2: Why Lower Interest Rates are NOT Coming Bank SEG-3: When Helping Your Adult Children Hurts--Them and You. SEG-4: Paying Back Debt; No Volatility; Boost Retirement Income 29%   Hosted by RIA Advisors Chief Investment Strategist Lance Roberts, CIO, w Senior Advisor Danny Ratliff, CFP  Produced by Brent Clanton, Executive Producer -------- Watch today's show on our YouTube channel:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lwgXEy5xfc&list=PLVT8LcWPeAugpcGzM8hHyEP11lE87RYPe&index=1&t=4s -------- The latest installment of our new feature, Before the Bell | "US Sanctions Against Chip Sales to China Deflate Stocks" is here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwG1fzY5p5s&list=PLwNgo56zE4RA3snVQyugvOF5TwZ1Xu7bm&index=1 --------  Our previous show is here: "Could "Revised" Economic Data Drive Rates Higher?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPPvClZxJ78&list=PLVT8LcWPeAugpcGzM8hHyEP11lE87RYPe&index=1&t=4s -------- Article Mentioned in Today's Show: "Bull Trap Or A Bull Market?" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/bull-trap-or-a-bull-market/ ------- Get more info & commentary:  https://realinvestmentadvice.com/newsletter/ -------- SUBSCRIBE to The Real Investment Show here: http://www.youtube.com/c/TheRealInvestmentShow -------- Visit our Site: https://www.realinvestmentadvice.com Contact Us: 1-855-RIA-PLAN -------- Subscribe to SimpleVisor: https://www.simplevisor.com/register-new -------- Connect with us on social: https://twitter.com/RealInvAdvice https://twitter.com/LanceRoberts https://www.facebook.com/RealInvestmentAdvice/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/realinvestmentadvice/ #InvestingAdvice #InterestRates #FederalReserve #EconomicGrowth #AdultChildren #StudentLoanDebt #MarketVolatility #RetirementIncome #Markets #Money #Investing

Fred's got some opinions on garlic mustard.

"Drat, and double drat!" Credit goes to @theauracl3 for that comparison. Your Favorite Trio since Destiny's Child discuss the fallout of Both Nights of Wrestlemania and NXT as well as The official Selling of WWE and Vince's very very creepy mustache. We have a show for you guys. Tell a friend, Tell A wrestling Fan about us. Follow the Show on Twitter @Goforthepinshow and on Instagram @Goforthepin_show Follow King V @_Watchmythrone on Twitter and KingV_TheRuler on Instagram Follow Mike at @DJMikeEQ on twitter and Mike_EQ on Instagram Follow DJ Knuckles at @DJ_Knuckles on Instagram and @JPSMusic15 on Twitter Subscribe to our Youtube Channel. We now have merch!!! check it out: https://go-for-the-pin-store.creator-... Please, if you ever feel to a point where you can no longer, please look into your options if you so choose. Help is available. You can call the 24/7 crisis line at 1-800-273-8255 or you can dial 988.There is also a website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ We will be leaving this here on every episode moving forward for anyone that ever needs it.

Hour 4 of today's show. We take a look at a new mock draft. We unveil the order of the WIP fantasy baseball league.

In the latest episode of #OriginalBroadwayCast, Gus Gordon welcomes Broadway mainstay Jason Graae   Jason starred in the Broadway productions of A Grand Night For Singing, Stardust, Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?, and Falsettos. His Off- Broadway credits include Forever Plaid, Olympus on My Mind, Snoopy, Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (Drama Desk Nomination- Best Actor in a Musical), and many more. Jason played the Wizard in the National Tour of Wicked and Harry Houdini in the Los Angeles production of Ragtime. He has appeared on dozens of musical theatre recordings, including the original or studio cast recordings of Forever Plaid, Drat the Cat, Lucky Stiff, and Olympus on My Mind and several solo albums for producer Bruce Kimmel. He has appeared in countless television shows, and was the voice of Lucky the Leprechaun in TV commercials for Lucky Charms cereal in the 1990's.   We hope you enjoy this conversation between Gus and Jason. __________________________________________ FIND US ON NPR ILLINOIS! https://www.nprillinois.org/programs/front-row-network JOIN PODCAST PALS! – https://www.facebook.com/thefrontrownetwork FIND US ON TWITTER – https://twitter.com/frontrowreviewz FIND US ON INSTAGRAM – https://www.instagram.com/frontrownetwork __________________________________________   Please enjoy this episode of ORIGINAL BROADWAY CAST and as always, we'll see you in the front row!

once more, we return to the world of zombies.... Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson [warning - foul language] ******************************************************************* Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D.   Cast List Fred - Leonard Streeper June - Melissa Bartell Dill - Mark Olson Chambers - Dave Marshall Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole Landon Frost - Chris Barnes Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson Doctor - James Sedgwick Nurse - Rachel Cavic Interviewer - Russell Gold Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com Cover art by Julie Hoverson INTERLUDES: Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard New Year's Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis Life Insurance - Joe Stofko Big Bob's - Richard Summers Lecturer - Robert Cudmore Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean "Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett Edna's Chum - M. Siero Garcia Scam - Rick Lewis Zombie Lib - Derek Koch Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can't you tell?" ***************************************************************************************   Project Top Hat Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Landon Frost, TV show host Pamela Frost, his wife Fred and June Doctor Plasmus, top researcher Chambers - executive Dill - less important executive OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      computer and lab noises LANDON     [on TV] I'm Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z word," we'll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog's kibble.  FRED     How can they feed zombies to dogs? JUNE     Ambulates make the food - prepare it.  It's illegal to terminate them without "just cause." FRED     As opposed to "just cuz"?  [laughs] JUNE     Hah.  That's what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited. LANDON     [TV] You'll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I'll be tucked up at home with my family.  JUNE     He's always busy.  Hardly ever gets to see them. FRED     Oh, boo-hoo.  This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy? JUNE     Don't forget taking his shirt off...  [chuckle]  But he's also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela. FRED     So?  He could retire. JUNE     Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF FRED     [muttered exclamation] Oh shit! SOUND     CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE LANDON     [TV] I'll be meeting my wife in secret at‑‑ SOUND     SWITCH, TV OFF DILL     [coming in talking]  We should be able to improve the bottom line. CHAMBERS     AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability.  We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray's... DILL     Unfortunate accident? CHAMBERS     [grim] Breakdown. DILL     Ah. CHAMBERS     I need your personal guarantee this won't come back to bite us in the butt. DILL     If it does, my butt will have your back. CHAMBERS     What? DILL     uh... nothing.  Dr. Plasmus is expecting us. CHAMBERS     Plasmus?  What kind of a name is that? DILL     Dunno.  I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets".  Look what they've done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months. CHAMBERS     [favorably impressed] MMmm. DILL     And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat! SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOUND     MUSIC SCENE CHANGE TV DUDE     [ON TV]  Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates? ZOMBIE     Grr. OLD LADY     [pleased] Cricket! TV DUDE     Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own? ZOMBIE2     [weird noise] MAN     [smug] Cricket. TV DUDE     Would you ever have them in the house without it? WOMAN     Around my kids?  Forget it! KIDS     Just CRICKET! TV DUDE     Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line.  TV DUDE      [quiet, rushed]  Results may vary.  Some side effects may occur.  No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product.  Not available in all areas.  [up]  Get Cricket today!  Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation. SOUND     MUSIC SOUND     WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN SOUND     ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES PLASMUS     You're early. DILL     Uh, no.  It's - um - six? PLASMUS     It is?  Hmm.  Well, just let me finish this, and-- SOUND     BIG ZAP CHAMBERS     What are you working on? PLASMUS     Shh! DILL     [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn't multitask.  CHAMBERS     What? SOUND     ONE FINAL ZAP PLASMUS     Done.  He means I do not work and talk.  When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole. CHAMBERS     Uh, right.  So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now? DILL     Gestalt isn't-- CHAMBERS     I KNOW. PLASMUS     It was a bit of a joke?  [small dry chuckle]  Am I right? CHAMBERS     Yeah. PLASMUS     I thought as much.  I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped.  Oh well.  Could be MUCH worse.  I could have an atrophied hippocampus!  [laughs riotously] DILL     Uh, yeah.  [toady laugh] CHAMBERS     That would be unfortunate, indeed. PLASMUS     [stops laughing suddenly]  But you are not here for pleasantries.  You are here to see what I have wrought! CHAMBERS     Aha!  So that's the smell in here. PLASMUS     What? CHAMBERS     Rot? PLASMUS     [laughs] MUSIC      SCENE CHANGE to TV LANDON     What the fuck do you think you're doing?  You can't have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat'ry brush!  They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off?  Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your fucking kibble?  SOUND     MUSIC DILL     So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint] PLASMUS     Have you forgotten the name again? DILL     [uncomfortable] No.  no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory. PLASMUS     You should have warned me.  [sigh]  It is project top hat for a very simple reason-- SOUND     METAL CLANK CHAMBERS     It looks like a top hat.  Original.  DILL     And what does it do...?  [hinting] PLASMUS     Stop doing that.  DILL     Sorry. PLASMUS     [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things. DILL     [muttered] Zombies want things too.  That's part of the problem. PLASMUS     Shush.  It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood". CHAMBERS     None of this is news. PLASMUS     I am setting it up.  So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn't that improve their value? CHAMBERS     [interested] Yessss.... DILL     Of course. PLASMUS     So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse's brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands. CHAMBERS     You specify "Corpse"? PLASMUS     [pleased] Ah, you caught that.  [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate.  DILL     You've seen the courtroom reality shows. MUSIC COURT REPORT     We'll catch the plaintiff as she leaves.  Missus Feinman,  Missus Feinman?  How do you feel about the jury's ruling? MISSUS     Act of god, my eye!  My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he's stuck.  MISTER     [zombie moan] MISSUS     I can't even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies.  [sniffles] COURT REPORT     [bland] You have our sympathy, I'm sure.  In just a moment, we'll speak to the doctor and his attorney. MUSIC PLASMUS     So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects.  CHAMBERS     And--? PLASMUS     Remove the head.  Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it. CHAMBERS     You remove the head?  [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh.  The Top Hat. PLASMUS     I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive.  Yes.  The unit replaces the so-called "mind", by which we truly mean the physical brain, giving the animated carcass sensory input, all the while leaving complete control with the human controller.  CHAMBERS     Can the body re-animate, without the head? PLASMUS     Do you know how the ambi-twist works? CHAMBERS     The what? DILL     [muttered] The T virus. PLASMUS     No, no!  That is a trademarked name and cannot be used without possible reprisal!  DILL     Sorry!  That's what most people [call it]. PLASMUS     I don't want to hear it!  Besides, the ambi-twist does not make ravenous beasts.  Animates are gentle.  Like kittens. MUSIC COMMERCIAL AMB     GROCERY SHOPPING SUSY     Gee, mommy, Rolf pushes the cart real well, don't he? MOMMY     That reminds me!  We need to pick up some chum! ROLF     [eager zombie noise] SUSY     He knows THAT word! ANNOUNCER     Of course he does, but can he tell the difference between Champion Chum and the bargain brand? MOMMY     Is there a difference? ANNOUNCER     Just ask Rolf! ROLF     [sticky zombie eating noises] SUSY     [laughing] Oh Rolf! ANNOUNCER     Every zombie, every day, chooses Champion brand chum! MUSIC CHAMBERS     They're tame enough with the cricket.  If they were naturally docile, we wouldn't need it. PLASMUS     And with the top hat, there will be no need for the cricket.  Let me show you. SOUND     CAGE OPENS CHAMBERS     [horrified reaction] Oh! DILL     ugh [bland] PLASMUS     This stray dog was humanely euthanized, and the top hat was immediately attached-- SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK PLASMUS     We had to use a fairly large dog, so the top hat unit wouldn't overbalance it.  It was designed for a human frame-- SOUND     COMMOTION OUTSIDE PLASMUS     What is this? SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN JACKIE     All of you!  Over by the wall!  [to june and fred] Get in there! FRED     Right, of course. JUNE     Excuse me.  Just - um - going through. CHAMBERS     Who the devil are you? JACKIE     I'm the one with the gun!  And I said over by the wall! DILL     She means it.  Move it!  Move it move it move it.... PLASMUS     But the dog-- SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK SOUND     GUN SHOT INTO CEILING JACKIE     And don't get any funny ideas.  I'm not alone. CHAMBERS     [reasonable and placating]  Tell us what you want. JACKIE     [almost a yell] I want you all over by that wall! SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK DILL     Already here! JUNE     Me too! PLASMUS     Allow me to-- [take the dog] JACKIE      Leave that poor thing! SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK JACKIE     That is exactly the kind of horrid monster we're here to put an end to. PLASMUS     Ah.  Activists.  [chuckling] CHAMBERS     Don't mock the woman with the gun! PLASMUS     Oh.  Of course. JACKIE     And what's behind here? PLASMUS     No! Don't!  It's not ready yet! CHAMBERS     What IS it? SOUND     CURTAIN OPENS JACKIE     Mother of god! MUSIC     SCENE CHANGE, AND then WUSSY POPSTAR     I know all of you have heard and most of you have enjoyed my hit single "walking away with my heart" about the plight of the ambulate.  ZOMBIE     [pathetic moan] POPSTAR     Too many of these poor once-human creatures are abused, neglected, and sometimes even abandoned to fend for themselves - forced to sell their bodies, bit by horrible bit, for the chum they need to survive.  Can't you spare just a little - the price of a cup of coffee - to help? MUSIC CHAMBERS     Just tell us your demands, and let's get on with this. JACKIE     [horrified]  What have you done to this man? PLASMUS     It is not a man.  It is a corpse. JACKIE     It's moving. PLASMUS     There's no one there.  As you can see, the computer has taken the place of its entire head, thus removing all chance of-- CHAMBERS     [hissed, annoyed] You didn't say you'd already done this to a human - [correcting himself] a human corpse, that is. PLASMUS      I simply hadn't got to that part of the presentation, yet. JACKIE     [distracted and horrified] But why? FRED     Hi-YAH! SOUND     THUMP, SCUFFLE DILL     Wow.  SOUND     GUN GOES OFF DILL     Stay back! JUNE     [indecisive but encouraging] Get her, Fred! SOUND     SCUFFLE ENDS FRED     Got her. PLASMUS     Can I have her as a specimen? JACKIE     You can't do that to me! PLASMUS     Of course we could.  We simply record that you died in an attack on our security, and your corpse will be ...recycled. JACKIE     NO! CHAMBERS     That's a bit much, isn't it? PLASMUS     [quiet] Drat.  [up] Heh-heh.  Of course.  Just a bit of - intimidation.  Hah.  Hah. DILL     Right. PLASMUS     What this young lady doesn't seem to understand is that there are many people who don't wish to return as a shambling, slow, and stupid ambulate.  Many would rather know that their mind - their "soul" - had been allowed to pass on. JACKIE     How the hell do you think you're doing that? PLASMUS     Cutting off the head.  The body is still useful - as you can see.  It can be of service to the living. JACKIE     The soul isn't in the brain.  The soul is - the soul.  It will stay around no matter what. PLASMUS     [derisive laugh] MUSIC SOUND     PARTY! BRANDON     And we're here on the dead side with the new years crowd!  They start a week early, since they know it'll take 'em that long to arrive!  Whoo!  ARIA     And the hottest thing this year is head swaps!  BRANDON     [prompting, not really questioning] Head swaps, Aria? ARIA     That's right, Brandon!  You know how zombies can cut off and attach body parts?  They recently discovered that they can swap heads!  They say it's totally the ultimate! BRANDON     Unless they sew it on backwards!  Man, that would be a pain in the ass! ARIA     Yeah, but at least you could see your ass! BOTH     [LAUGH] MUSIC CHAMBERS     Where's security when you need them? JUNE     I just called them, sir.  Apparently, they've had a number of ...insurrections. DILL     Must be how she slipped by.  JACKIE     You won't get anything from me! PLASMUS     I suppose you two will have to take her to the security office for detention. FRED     Gotcha. JUNE     Oh, me?  Oh all right. SOUND      SHE CROSSES JUNE     What was it she was looking at, anyway?  [horrified gasp!] PLASMUS     What's wrong? JUNE     [too quick, very nervous] Nothing!  I just thought it - he - it - moved. PLASMUS     Nonsense.  I haven't even woken the unit yet.  Get along. JUNE     [still nervous] Yes, yes of course!  Come on! FRED     What's wrong? JUNE     [growl] Post traumatic stress!  Get moving! SOUND     THEY LEAVE PLASMUS     Some people simply cannot handle pressure.  Come have a look at my human automaton. CHAMBERS     [slightly suspicious] He looks ... fresh.  DILL     Nice physique! CHAMBERS     You didn't - uh - kill him, did you, doc? PLASMUS     [laughs flatly] No.  He was killed in a car wreck, this afternoon.  His legs sustained some damage, but mostly superficial, and his head was completely severed.  CHAMBERS     How did you get him so quickly?  The notice to the family won't even go through-- PLASMUS     [pissed]  I could not wait for petty family concerns when this perfect specimen fell into my very lap!  And he is perfect!  DILL     Ew. PLASMUS     So I snatched him out of the hospital upstairs.  Besides.  He is an organ donor.  MUSIC INSURANCE     Do you wonder about your insurance coverage?  Concerned that you may some day cease to be human, and therefore void your policy?  We here at Practical Undead National Trust can fix that for you.  For only a few dollars a day, you, too, can have coverage that extends beyond the expiration of the body. MUSIC SOUND     HALLWAY, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS FRED     Whew.  Should we go back, do you think? JUNE     [still bothered] I - I don't know. FRED     OK, what's going on? JUNE     Oh, Fred!  This is horrible! FRED     It was just a gun.  I don't think she would have shot either of us anyway. JUNE     Not that. FRED     Then what? JUNE     That body back in the lab?  That perfectly sculpted torso?  Did you see that tattoo on the shoulder? FRED     Not my type.  Sorry. JUNE     [very important and horrible] THAT was‑‑ [cut off with a gasp] SOUND     DOOR OPENS MUSIC LANDON     [outside, loud over background noise] You would think this was a prime place for ambulates - garbage reclamation.  SOUND      CRUNCHING EQUIPMENT LANDON     They don't mind bad smells, can't catch diseases -- and yet, most of the workers hired on at this particular municipal tip don't stay.  Let's find out why. MUSIC CHAMBERS     [gritted teeth] What do we do if there's a lawsuit? PLASMUS     [shrug] If they push it, there is an incinerator in the basement, and as long as we first remove the computer unit, the organic evidence could be reduced to ashes in a matter of hours. CHAMBERS     [annoyed, but not knowing] Do you even know who this person - corpse - is? PLASMUS     [shrug]  I read the driver's license.  Why? DILL     [confident] We'll fabricate records.  Show it was cremated by mistake.  Apologize.  Give the widow some ashes and a check. CHAMBERS     Sounds like you've done this before. DILL     [smug] Things... happen.  MUSIC BOB     Come on down to Big Bob's bob-o-rama for the finest in pre-owed ambulates!  We have 'em all from this big brute for heavy lifting-- ZOMBIE     [deep moan] BOB     To this hot little number, [hinting] nice for in-house work. GIRL ZOMBIE     [sexy moan?] BOB     Come on down this weekend, and my own gramma, an ambulate herself, will be here with her special milk and cookies!  Trade-ins are always given full greybook value. MUSIC NURSE     I'm so sorry.  There's been a little mixup.  He's... um... missing. PAMELA     [low snarl] As god is my witness, if my husband's body turns up somewhere - anywhere - on a celebrity zombie show, I will personally sue you, the hospital, Tammuz, and anyone else our lawyers can think of! NURSE     But I-- DOCTOR     What seems to be the problem? PAMELA     Are you the person I should be screaming at? DOCTOR     Well, I don't know about that-- PAMELA     Then you best point me at the right one, since some screaming is well overdue. DOCTOR     Just tell me - calmly - what this is about. NURSE     It's her husband. PAMELA     My husband's BODY, you mean!  [starting to move from anger into tears] I was informed of his accident, that he was declared [suppressed sob] dead at the scene, and when I come to claim him... [deep breath, furious snarl]  He's missing. NURSE     I'm sure it's just a paperwork snafu. PAMELA     AND I know how some of you bastards are about selling celebrity corpses!  Don't think you can pull that crap on me! DOCTOR     Celebrity?  What was -uh, is - your husband's name? MUSIC SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON     This fucking pisses me off no end - look at that poor bastard. SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON     Look at this hand.  Three fingers gone, from a bloody hazardous environment.  [up]  They may not be human any more, but you sons-of-bitches still have to look after these beggars! MUSIC JUNE     Landon Frost! FRED     What? JUNE     I swear it was!  It's the snowflake on his shoulder.  He got it for his wife! FRED     Oh.  That can't be good.  Should we ... tell them? JUNE     Well...he IS dead.  Nothing'll change that. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MANY FEET COME STORMING IN PAMELA     I already have Landon's private security at all your exits, and will personally go through each and every room until I find him - so you might as well hand him over. DOCTOR     But, but.. PAMELA     First, you are taking Big bill, here, and I down to your bloody incinerator -and don't try to tell me you don't have one. DOCTOR     Why? PAMELA     So no one has access to destroy the [falters] the ...evidence. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, THEY PASS OUT AGAIN FRED     Is that--? JUNE     [fatalistic] Oh boy! MUSIC LECTURER     We must stop treating ambulates as objects and start treating them as people - people very nearly like you and me.  With a bit of practice, anyone can speak clearly and slowly enough for a zombie to pick up on it.  SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LECTURER     If we could only follow the moans and groans of a group of zombies, I'm sure complete and fascinating conversations are going on, right under our disinterested human noses. MUSIC DILL     [on phone]  So soon?  Well, I guess we move on to plan B. [pause] She is? [upset] oh. SOUND     PHONE DOWN CHAMBERS     What is it? DILL     I - they-- PLASMUS     Quiet, please!  Time to turn it on! DILL     This may actually be a very bad... thing SOUND     A COUPLE OF ZAPS SOUND     RUSTLE CHAMBERS     Is that it? PLASMUS     Do you need me to shout "it's alive"? LANDON     [computer noise, not quite speech] DILL     Ohhhh boy. CHAMBERS     Does that thing make it able to talk? LANDON     [machine, more gobbledygook] PLASMUS     Ambulates have always been able to talk.  They simply operate on a much slower scale than we do.  It is something about the brain synapses, the ambi-twist simply cannot get them back to normal speed. DILL     [prompt] They're how much slower than humans? PLASMUS     I said not to do that. DILL     I was just asking,.  Really. PLASMUS     They operate somewhere between 20 and 50% slower than humans.  That is why they have to be spoken to slowly. LANDON     [machine] Fuck you! PLASMUS     [chuckles] Or not. DILL     [gasp] Is it supposed to do that? CHAMBERS     I thought you said that removing the head should negate the personality. PLASMUS     I'm sure it is just something programmed in.  My computer expert has quite a sense of humor. LANDON     [machine]  What the hell is going on? PLASMUS     [worried now] Or... not. DILL     This was supposed to make it docile!  CHAMBERS     At least the thing is tied down. SOUND     RIP OF RESTRAINTS PLASMUS     [frightened] Or... not! MUSIC TEACHER     Turn to page 40.  The chapter on the ambi-twist.  Amy, will you start? [grade school students, who read more or less well] AMY     The ambi-twist was a genetic modification first pioneered by Tammuz Corporation. BOBBY     With the best of intentions, this benevolent corporation was trying to help people. CORA     To overcome the issues with tissue rejection and make transplants one hundred percent successful. DESMOND     But the ambi-twist went a bit awry. [after a pause] ELLIE     [whispered] You have to read more. DESMOND     nuh-uh.  Not my fault it's a short sentence. ELLIE     Fine!  [ahem]  The ambi-twist altered the genetic makeup of the intended cells, yes, but it did not stop there, instead running amok through the entire body and giving the cells a life of their own. FRANK     Most of the population now carries the ambi-twist virus, which has little to no effect on them ... during their lifetime. DESMOND     [spooky noise] ooo-OO-oo EVERYONE     [joking zombie groans] MUSIC NOTE     LANDON IS COMPUTERIZED FROM HERE ON OUT LANDON     Why so gob-smacked?  Where the fuck am I? SOUND     THUMP GETTING OUT OF BED, FOOTSTEPS PLASMUS     This is very bad.  DILL     It's coming over.  Let me guess, it can see and hear through the computer unit too? PLASMUS     [wry]  Of course.  What use is a unit that bumps into walls and can't follow orders? LANDON     Is anyone planning to answer me? CHAMBERS     Look, you.  You've died and are now property.  Just lay back and shut up. DILL     Oh boy. LANDON     No, you look here, you lump of festering dog turd!  If I were dead, and I don't believe it for a minute - I have very specific contingencies in my will.  PLASMUS     [chuckles] Speaking of contingencies-- SOUND     SHOTGUN RACKING PLASMUS     I would call this experiment a conditional success. SOUND     SHOTGUN BLAST MUSIC HUSHED MC     And the ambulate "Gracie's darling" is now approaching the steps.  This is a level three hazard, since it typically takes an ambulate several tries.  Oh!  She's on the first step!  Very nicely corrected a stumble and managed to stick the second step.  Ah, but she's faltering -- Momentum can only carry one SO far, and this is where balance truly comes into play.  [gareth bowley] MUSIC SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT CHAMBERS     Holy cow! PLASMUS     [gleeful] Did you see how fast it was? DILL     You mean when it walked off with your shotgun?  I thought we were done for! CHAMBERS     Looked like it nearly took your hand off, too. PLASMUS     [dismissive] It's broken,  It's fine.  [up] We must follow it! CHAMBERS     Get security on all the doors! DILL     On it. PLASMUS     Try not to hurt it! CHAMBERS     Belay that order.  Take that thing down at all costs.  And definitely before it leaves the building! MUSIC SURVIVALIST1     I don't care how many times they take this feed down and report me - I ain't gonna stand by and let them goddamn walking dead take over.  Since every one of us as dies turns into one of them, ain't no way we can keep ahead unless we thin the herd a bit.  SURVIVALIST2     Hell yeah.  Now on the chart behind me, you see a human-- SURVIVALIST1     or zombie-- SURVIVALIST2     right, "or zombie," body with various areas marked in red.  Those are your standard  targets, right there.  The head is, of course, the primary, since the bastards won't stop walking without that being gone. SURVIVALIST1     Even that don't put 'em down right away, but if you can get it GONE-- SURVIVALIST2     Sure is funny to watch them bump into walls, in't it? BOTH     [laugh] MUSIC AMB     HALLWAY SOUND     ALARMS, RUNNING FEET IN DISTANCE JUNE     Why do I suddenly feel like a job change? FRED     I'll help with the resume.  Let's scat.  SOUND     RUNNING FEET APPROACH JUNE     Oh shit! [dragging him out of the way] Over here! LANDON     Run, you little buggers!  I'll blow your fucking pop stand wide open!  FRED     Holy crap! JUNE     Ssh!  Maybe it won't notice us! LANDON     What are you looking at? FRED     Too late! JUNE     Please don't hurt us! LANDON     Hurt?  HURT?  I'm going to ruin you snotty little gits! FRED     Ruin, I can live with. SECURITY     Stop right there! SOUND     ASSORTED ZOMBIE MOANS JUNE     Sock troops! LANDON     [machine] Is this some kind of a sick joke?  Turning THEM against ME? SECURITY     Lay down the weapon and come along quietly, Top Hat. FRED     Top hat?  What is he, a Batman villain? MUSIC MOVIE ANNOUNCER     He was a normal boring man. NORMAL MAN     Hey honey - be late tonight. MOVIE ANNOUNCER     With a normal boring Life. NORMAL MAN     Yes, sir, I can get that done for you this afternoon. MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Until the day he died. NORMAL MAN     Excuse me - I feel - my chest - urk. SOUND     THUMP, DROP PHONE, ERROR TONE MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Now he was to work his way back to the top, against all odds... Coming soon-- NORMAL MAN     [zombie moan] MOVIE ANNOUNCER     --A NORMAL MAN starring Justin Bieber and an undead Jim Carrey. MUSIC JUNE     [up, yelling] We're not with him! LANDON     Toady. JUNE     We DO work at Tammuz. LANDON     This is Tammuz? SECURITY     You have a count of 5 to put down the shotgun.  ONE. [continues] TWO. THREE. FOUR. FRED     Haven't you noticed the logo everywhere? LANDON     My vision is ... strange.  [musing]  Tammuz.  The one place I could never get into... FRED     Not surprising. SECURITY     FIVE!  Get him! JUNE     They won't shoot in here - too many things  might blow up.  LANDON     What?  Helping me? JUNE     I love - loved your show. LANDON     Don't be surprised if I'm back on the air soon. SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE FRED     Ow! JUNE     What the heck? SECURITY     I said get him, you maggoty turds!  Why are you stopping? LANDON     huh.  Funny how I knew to do that. MUSIC NOTE     Ad also plays, under, at very slow speed - for the ambulates watching. EDNA     Edna's chum on the go!  Whenever you're out and about, and no time to get home and feed the ambulate in your life, drop round to Edna's Chum.  We have the best quality, tastiest chum around - hot and fresh, just like mother might have made.  Available for dine-in, drive through and even delivery!  MUSIC PLASMUS     They have him cornered in sector five, west corridor!  Checkpoint X-14.  I must reclaim the unit after they take the body down. SOUND     PHONE RINGS DILL     I'll catch up.  You guys go on ahead. CHAMBERS     Hah!  You're not weaseling out that easily. DILL     One sec [to phone] Yeah?  Oh brilliant.  That's just the cherry on top. SOUND     HANGS UP CELL DILL     [annoyed] Guess what? PLASMUS     [threat] I have a taser here somewhere-- DILL     Okay! Okay!  There's a woman upstairs demanding her husband's body.  And because this night isn't deep enough in the shit, I have a feeling she's related to-- CHAMBERS     Oh IS she?  [chuckles]  We might be seeing daylight.  Come on. MUSIC NIGERIAN SCAM     With reverence I am contacting you.  I hope you will overlook my poor typistry.  I am a recently deceased individual that managed to conceal a large sum of money before joining rank one of the walking dead.  MUSIC SECURITY     Tell me you saw that, too. FRED     You mean how he just, like, whistled and all the zombies trotted off after him like the pied piper of Hamlet? JUNE     Hamlin. SECURITY     Yeah, that.  Good.  Now when I make my report, you two can back me up. FRED     Oh, uh-- We were actually leaving. SECURITY     I don't think so. JUNE     Not Leaving leaving.  We have to get back to our -uh- posts. SECURITY     That's different.  I'll give you an escort. FRED     Oh, boy. SOUND      DISTANT FOOTSTEPS PAMELA     You!  You there!  I want a word with you! FRED     Us? JUNE     Him.  you. SECURITY     Oh, me.  Yes ma'am? PAMELA     You look like someone in charge here.  You will tell me where my husband's body is! JUNE     Oh that.  He went thataway. PAMELA     WHAT? MUSIC ZOMBIE LIB     If you can understand this, you are one of us, my zombie brother or sister.  Come to the house with three crescent moons over the door, and we will guide you safely to our side of the wall.  Liberty for all! MUSIC SOUND     SHOTGUN SHOT INTO CEILING LANDON     I'm done fucking around.  You let us past, or the next shot brings you to OUR bloody side! COP     I can't!  I-- the door is on autolock!  Please, uh, mister - I got a wife and kids-- LANDON     You stupid little shit!  I have - had a wife to, but whatever genius did this-- PAMELA     [off a bit] Landon? LANDON     Oh my god.  Pamela? PAMELA     What did they-- [more concerned than panic] your head! LANDON     It's some insane experiment.  I'm dead. PAMELA     You can still see and hear me?  [wonder]  But you're not slowed? LANDON     Yes, I-- [REMEMBER STUPID ZOMBIE DOG ALL THIS TIME] COP     Sorry, sir, but I have to-- SOUND     SHOT ZOMBIEDOG     Leaps in the way of the bullet, body drops and hat goes flying, COP     Oh, shit. LANDON     Give me a minute, dear. PAMELA     [furious] Give me your gun. LANDON     No need. SOUND     WHISTLE ZOMBIES     [attack] COP     I was - I didn't - oh! LANDON     Poor stupid animal.  PAMELA     If not for that thing, you'd be dead. LANDON     I'll take this. SOUND     PICKS UP TOP HAT CHAMBERS     [coming in]  No, we'll take that.  Both of them, in fact. MUSIC ZOMBIE MAN     Look at me.  Now look at your zombie.  Now look back at me.  Your zombie will never look as good as me, but it can smell as good as me, with special deodorant soap from--[danar?] MUSIC FRED     [quiet] back away, quietly. JUNE     [quiet] If we can just get past the corner... LANDON     Who the fuck do you think you are? FRED     Helps that he's keeping their attention. CHAMBERS     We're the owners of that gadget you're currently wearing, and we want it back.  YOU, on the other hand, are expendable. LANDON     And you think I'm afraid of your gun?  If anyone knows how durable the undead are, I should bloody well think it was me. FRED     [quiet] I'm clear! JUNE     Just a bit more... SOUND     GUNSHOT CHAMBERS     The next one goes into HER. JUNE     [off] Her?  [gasp, then relieved] Oh - her - his wife. LANDON     You wouldn't. PLASMUS     You might want to consider-- CHAMBERS     Shut up - this is all your fault anyway. PLASMUS     But-- LANDON     Get behind me, dearest. PAMELA     He can't be mad enough to shoot me! CHAMBERS     Oh, I'm flipping furious, lady!  LANDON     She doesn't mean that kind of "MAD", you festering moronic baboon! MUSIC INTERVIEWER     We have an interview with someone actually on the scene.  What precisely was going on? JUNE     It was pandemonium!  The ambulates were just walking away after the ... uh, stranger. Interviewer     Like the pied piper of hamlin? JUNE     Or like spartacus. FRED     And when Mr. Chambers - I mean the defendant - shot Mrs. Frost-- JUNE     We're not supposed to talk about that! FRED     That's why they're pixilating our faces, isn't it? JUNE     That's next week's interveiw - this one is live! FRED     Oh shit.  Oh! INTERVIEWER     Now that you've started, you might as well finish.  What happened next? JUNE     [exasperated sigh] There goes our exclusive! MUSIC SOUND     GUNSHOT LANDON     Bastards! SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS IN RESPONSE LANDON     [snarl] Bring me THAT one! PLASMUS     Which?  Oh! CHAMBERS     Stay back! PAMELA     [expiring]  Landon?  It hurts! LANDON     Hold on, dearest.  Keep breathing.  SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS CHAMBERS     Get out of my way, you maggots! FRED     Come ON, June! JUNE     I have to see how it ends! SOUND     GUN SHOT JUNE     [gasp]  Or not! SOUND     ZOMBIES MOAN PLASMUS     Let go! don't touch me!  Ew!  Does anyone have some purell? PAMELA     [very weak]  Landon?  What- [gasp] what are you thinking? LANDON     Is it hard to implant the top hat device? PLASMUS     It's quite simple really - the connections are made remotely inside the wiring, so the longer it is on, the more enmeshed the interfaces become-- LANDON     Take this. SOUND     CLANG OF DOG'S UNIT PLASMUS     What do you--?  [realizing] Oh. MUSIC INTERVIEWER     But the zombies didn't harm Mr. Chambers? JUNE     He wanted - Landon wanted for him to stand in a human court for trial.  FRED     He said something about rotting in hell, but his accent was getting really thick. JUNE     He was crying! FRED     He's a computer.  I mean, the voice, at least, is computerized.  Why would it get choked up? INTERVIEWER     [to camera] Even now, Chambers is standing trial for the murder of Mrs. Pamela Frost.  While the videographic evidence is very convincing, the lack of an actual body has been a point hammered on by the defense. MUSIC SOUND     CRACKLE of STATIC, THEN FOCUS SOUND     [both are clearly computerized] LANDON     Can't broadcast too long, don't want you to trace us. PAMELA     We want to reach out to everyone who has been affected by the blight that is Tammuz. LANDON     Know this - relief is coming soon.  For now, just walk away, wherever you are.  We'll find you. PAMELA     And Merry Christmas, everyone. SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS FILL SOUNDSCAPE END

A classic-style caper, chock-a-block with art theft, swindling, and romance! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Algernon Winthrop - Will Watt Bartholomew Hetheredge - Glen Hallstrom Harriet Carter-Nelson - Julie Hoverson Attendant - Russell Gold Music by Laché Swing  (Free Music Archive) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson     (in the style of the Dell Mapback mystery covers)     with help from Steve Guy "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a gentleman's club in the 1930s, can't you tell?" *********************************************************************** THE PERFECT PIGEON Cast: Announcer Algernon Winthrop, a young gentleman whose profession is art broker - with a secret life as a gentleman thief Harriet Carter-Nelson, country heiress, who has inherited some paintings Bartholomew Heatheredge, elder bachelor, friend and confidante of Algernon Butler, discreet and very well trained       THE PERFECT PIGEON MUSIC TO OPEN - LIGHT 1930s JAZZ OLIVIA    What do you mean what kind of place is it?  Why it's a private room in a proper Gentleman's Club in London in the 1930s - can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1    THE CLUB ROOM SOUND     RADIO PLAYS JAZZ IN ANOTHER ROOM ALGY    Bartholomew, old man - believe it or not, I've been HAD. BART    [mock incredulous] Algernon Winthrop the third?  "Had"?  Hold on, shh!  [beat]  No, no... I don't think I hear the trumpet hailing the end of all things, so how could You possibly-- ALGY    Hush!  Do you want to hear the story or not? BART    [teasing] I dunno - do I? ALGY    You're the only one I can tell, so I expect you can guess what this is in regards to. BART    [knowing smirk] "Art"? ALGY    Yes.  I was approached last Wednesday week by [wistful] a vision of loveliness-- BART    Male or Female? ALGY    Female, of course!  You know which direction my loveliness runs.  A trim auburn lass with a back like she'd been born on a horse. BART    There is something to be said for centaurs. ALGY    She said she had been referred to me as a leading authority on certain kinds of paintings. BART    [chuckles expectantly] A-ha! ALGY    Well, I am!  And I have the advantage of being outside the normal rope and cap mobs.  BART    Someone with no affiliation to bat for. ALGY    Correct.  [sigh]  She invited me to her country estate, and how could I refuse?  There are untold treasures hidden in mouldering attics throughout the land! BART    Better you than me.  I loathe the country. ALGY    You loathe anything beyond a ten minute walk from this club. BART    Very true.  [arch]  Oh, you've reminded me, we're in a club.  That means there is hot and cold running alcohol to hand.  Shall we? ALGY    I'll stick to a weak Gin and Tonic, if you don't mind.  I may have ...work... to do later. BART    Oh-ho!! SOUND    GENTLE BELL RINGS, GENTLE DOOR OPENS BUTLER    Sir? BART    Drinks, please.  G and T, heavy on the T, and some of that port I'm so fond of. BUTLER    Excellent selections, sir. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES ALGY    [chuckling] He'd say that regardless of what you asked for. BART    True, but he would say it with a subtle sneer in his voice.  Frankly, I can't remember the vintage of the port in question... but apparently he does. ALGY    Indispensible.  BART    I know you won't recount anything juicy until he returns, so tell me more about this girl? ALGY    Harriet Carter-Nelson.  Last heir of some family or other.  Was left the only house not entailed to a distant chinless wonder.  Took possession, found it rather a crumbling heap, but discovered there were some potentially salable items hidden about the place. BART    Items in the "canvas" line, I assume? ALGY    Precisely. SOUND    TAP AT THE DOOR BART    Come in. SOUND    BUTLER ENTERS, PUTS DOWN DRINKS, LEAVES ALGY    [sips]  Perfect.  Gem of a man. BART    Can't remember his name any more than the vintage, but I do try and appreciate him whenever I have the chance. ALGY    Appreciate him a bit for me, too, would you? BART    Certainly.  [drinks] Now, the canvasses. ALGY    After an hour or so of driving - the place was halfway to Inverness - I came upon a stark silhouette set against a striking sunset.  BART    You paint such pictures with your words. ALGY    I suppose an eye is an eye, for all that.  Checking the coordinates, I discovered I had arrived.  More striking still was the vision of loveliness that greeted me at the door. BART    NOT a butler, then? ALGY    No.  There was some sort of staff about, but she was expecting me, and made certain to be ready upon my arrival. BART    Curiouser and curiouser - a woman who doesn't make one wait an half hour for her entrance?  I like her already. ALGY    [rueful] As do I.  She lacks that sheen of plasticine that so many women don the moment they "come out" and never seem to take off again.  Everything about her seemed so natural.  So genuine.  MUSIC TRANSITION   SCENE 2    OUTSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND    FROGS, NIGHT NOISES HARRIET    I'm so pleased you found it!  Come in, come in!  Oh, no wait - sorry.  You should turn your car around before the light goes.  Some of the ground is boggy and it's quite treacherous in the dark. ALGY    I'll be perfectly fine. HARRIET     [mock sigh] Your funeral.  Come along. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL THEN WOOD, DOOR SHUTS ALGY    I didn't realize there was any civilization this far into the hinterlands. HARRIET     Oh, there isn't.  Not really.  But I love it out here.  The country is so beautiful - nine weeks out of the year.  Between mold season and mosquito season.  ALGY    [laughs]  BART    [Voice Over] Enough with the flirting - tell me about the paintings. ALGY    [VO] Give me a moment to wallow in our collective wit, won't you? BART    [VO] One more moment, then.  Proceed. HARRIET     There's a set of rooms that's quite liveable, and a few larger enclosed spaces that might pass for human habitation.  [drops the banter]  I'm hoping - truly - that some of the paintings will be worth enough that I can sell them and [loving] rescue the poor house.  [clipped again] You did say you have contacts and know people who might be looking to buy? ALGY    I shall do the best for you that I can. ALGY    [VO] And I would.  Whatever my other interests are, once I give my word, I always keep it. BART    [VO] Particularly to such a lovely young thing, eh, wot? HARRIET     It's very kind of you. ALGY    Well, I do expect to make some little commission on it, of course. HARRIET     Of course.  Right through here. MUSIC   SCENE 3    THE CLUB ROOM SOUND    ALGY DRINKS ALGY    [disgusted sigh] and it was ... tragic. BART    Strong word. ALGY    Strong feeling.  The room she took me into was hung with a dozen limp landscapes. BART    Limp? ALGY    Oh, you know the type "Aunt so-and so painted this in 1860 on the French Riveria". Or "Grandmama was always well regarded for her eye for beauty". BART    Good night.  And after such a long drive! ALGY    And watching that look of hope slide off her dainty face.  The light going out in her hazel eyes. MUSIC   SCENE 4    INSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND    SLIGHT CREAKS WHEN THEY WALK HARRIET     That bad? ALGY    I may be able to get you an odd bob or so - perhaps from an American.  Not more. HARRIET     Oh.  ALGY    It happens to the best of us. ALGY    [VO] She turned away, and the line of her shoulders spoke volumes. BART    [VO] Reading her shoulders?  On a first date? [chuckles] ALGY    I-I-- Perhaps I should... go? HARRIET     No.  [coming to a decision, almost teary]  I... Can I trust you? ALGY    Goodness, would anyone say no to that? HARRIET     [burst of laughter]  Goodness be blowed!  I'm going to take a chance.  People have said good things about you.  Come along. SOUND    WALKING, CREAKING, UNDER VO ALGY    [VO] She took me deep into the bowels of the house, into some sort of secret room.  I watched closely as she tweaked various odds and sods on a rococo mantlepiece, and a panel slid open. SOUND    CREAK AS PANEL SHIFTS SOUND    HOLLOW MOANING WIND HARRIET     There's a family ghost, but it's benign. ALGY    Spirits have never bothered me. ALGY    [VO] And in this room - by gad! BART    [VO] Yes? ALGY    [VO] Arrayed around the walls were a good dozen of what looked like genuine Old masters.  Undiscovered, possibly unknown. BART    [VO] Real?  ALGY    Real? HARRIET    Yes, but.  Problematic. ALGY    How so? HARRIET    Apparently, according to unverifiable family lore, one of our ancestors was quite the notorious bandit. ALGY    Bandit? HARRIET    Highwayman, I believe they called the titled ones.  He raided everything within a week's ride, they say, and stashed most of the boodle here.  Everything that could be sold easily, went long ago.  Gold, jewels, things like that. ALGY    Well, if they were stolen so long ago, I doubt there would be any debate as to the ownership. HARRIET    [very doubtful] Oh... I'm sure. It's just... ALGY    Yes? HARRIET    [pitiable]  There's no money.  Not a sou.  I can't possibly defend even the slightest case.  A solitary whisper of doubt, and I'll lose everything. ALGY    I see. HARRIET    And without concrete provenance, there's no legitimate way I can sell even one of these.  Tragic, isn't it? ALGY    There are plenty of people who would buy, provenance or no.  You might not get full measure, but that all depends on your patience and negotiating talent. HARRIET    [exasperated] Buyers there may be, but I wouldn't know where to find them!  ALGY    I would. HARRIET    [still fuming, not hearing him immediately] And even if I did, I wouldn't know the first thing to say-- [breaks off, realizing] What? ALGY    I know all the right people.  If you can trust me with any one of those, I'll get you top dollar. HARRIET    But why would you help me?  And how can I possibly trust you? ALGY    Oh, I'll take my standard commission, of course.  And I'll play you fair on the first one, if for no other reason than in hope that you'll let me take on the rest. HARRET    [worried musing] It's a big step.  The mere thought of letting them out of my sight terrifies me.  It's not as if I have insurance or anything.  If the worst should happen - I'd be lost. ALGY    If I could, I would buy one outright from you - at a discount, you understand - and hazard a chance I could make a profit.  But these are far out of my range, unless I were to insult you by offering a pittance. HARRIET    A pittance would at least keep body and soul together until you were able to sell it.  Could you - manage something in a down payment?  Even just call it an assurance - we could write up a contract and everything! ALGY    Oh, I don't think we need go that far.  But I could advance you something, if you don't mind waiting a day or two.  HARRIET    [musing] Let's see - a day or two for you to get back, then I have to arrange a lift into the city, to get to the bank, and back.... ALGY    [amused] Are you hinting that you would prefer cash? HARRIET    Am I that transparent?  [sweetly]  I used to be quite a good liar, I'm told, but desperation does wear one's nerve a bit thin.  And the local shops no longer honor this house with credit. ALGY    I could manage, say, a thousand pounds assurance.  If you'll let me take that small one. HARRIET    A thousand?  You think this is worth so much? ALGY    Ten times that, at least.  HARRIET    My hero!  I'll have it crated and ready for transport when you return, will that be all right? ALGY    Certainly. MUSIC   SCENE 5    THE CLUB ROOM BART    You didn't. ALGY    I did. BART    And which one of the limp landscapes did you purchase for a thousand pounds? ALGY    [sigh] A rather dreadful view of some lighthouse that's slightly off plumb. BART    [laughs heartily]  And what do you plan to do about it? ALGY    What do you think? BART    Can you find your way back in again? ALGY    I believe so.  I truly would have played fair with her, but... BART    What can she expect?  Swindling a notorious art thief like "The Badger"? MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 6    THE CLUB ROOM - NEXT DAY SOUND    DOOR OPENS ALGY    [entering melodramatically]  Oh, Bart!  Bart, my old chum!  All is lost! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS BART    Sit, dear boy.  Sit and tell!  Is this your enchanting titian-haired siren? ALGY    Enchanting!  Enchantress is more like it! BART    Why?  Don't tell me you couldn't get back into her secret painting room? ALGY    [chortles sarcastically] Oh-ho-ho.  It's far worse than that. BART    Ah.  Good thing I laid on some rather strong liquor when I got your cable.  Drink up. ALGY    [drinks]  There's really not much to tell. BART    I hope you have more than that!  This is expensive stuff! ALGY    I got into the house.  Even managed to find the right combination of whorls on the carving - she'd pushed a number of extra thingumees, did I mention that? BART    So she knew you were watching? ALGY    [sighing admission] Yes.  She's frightfully brilliant. BART    Let me get this straight - this charming chit of a girl has fooled you twice, and yet you still admire her? ALGY    I admire her because she has fooled me twice. BART    And her loveliness has nothing to do with it? ALGY    Well... [smiling] it certainly doesn't hurt. BART    [beat] So... you got into the room. ALGY    Yes.  Yes.  I got in.  BART    [exasperated] And? ALGY    Every one of the frames that I had so closely examined not two weeks before was filled... with landscapes! BART    THE landscapes? ALGY    For all I know she has an infinite supply of the blasted things!  [sudden realization] By Jove! BART    What? ALGY    I can't believe it never occurred to me before - what if I'm not the first? BART    Whatever do you mean? ALGY    What if this little minx has pulled this same trick on other so-called art dealers? BART    [chuckles]  Are you outraged at her daring, or because she didn't pick you first? ALGY    There she was, dressed in plain homespun, crying infinite poverty, when she may have just held up half the crooked daub handlers in Piccadilly! BART    I can see why you admire her. ALGY    The beast! BART    I can't wait to meet her. ALGY    Wretch! BART    You'll have to bring her around sometime. ALGY    What? BART    Well, you are going to see her again, aren't you? ALGY    You old dog.  You know everything.  [beat]  She should be here any minute. BART    Then I expect it's a good thing I've dropped a word here and there about a niece who might be coming into town any day now, isn't it? ALGY    I don't know why I even try-- SOUND    KNOCK AT DOOR BART    Yes? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BUTLER ENTERS BUTLER    Sir, there is a young lady here to see mister Algernon Winthrop.  I told her merely that I would inquire...? BART    Proper, as always.  Don't give her any definite answer, there's a good chap, but bring her on up.  BUTLER    [slightly miffed]  Very good, sir. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES BART    That.  That is definitely the sound he would make if I placed an order for anything substandard. ALGY    I say, Bart, hide me, would you? BART    What and leave your young lady entirely in my clutches? ALGY    I know you'll get something out of her, and all the more if she doesn't realize I'm here.  BART    [indulgent] That door there.  It has a lovely large keyhole, and a connection to the corridor.  I'll ferret out whatever she's hiding.  You'll get your hands on those paintings yet. ALGY    Oh, I already have plans for that.  BART    Oh?  What--? SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR. SOUND    SCRAMBLE AS ALGY HIDES SOUND    HIS DOOR QUIETLY CREAKS SHUT BART    [calling] Come in. SOUND    HER DOOR OPENS SOUND    BART POURS DRINK BUTLER    [introductions]  Miss Harriet Carter-Nelson.  Mister Bartholomew Heatheredge. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS [NOTE:  from this point until she "overplays her hand", BART and ALGY are pulling a con on Harriet to get her to trade back the painting] BART    [suddenly stern]  Please have a seat, Miss Carter-Nelson.  I pray you won't take offense at my not rising, but my gout has been simply murder this past week. HARRIET    [uncertain]  But... I was invited here by Mister Winthrop? BART    I have sent him on some trifling errand, in hopes that we might finish our business without his interference.  HARRIET    Business? BART    Poor Algy has a lamentably sentimental nature when it comes to these things. HARRIET    Pray enlighten me of "these things" that you are speaking of? BART    I assume you will not be adverse to endorsing this. SOUND    PAPER PRODUCED WITH A FLOURISH HARRIET    What is it?  [almost a laugh] A bill of sale?  For-- BART    The painting currently in Mr. Winthrop's possession. HARRIET    But it's-- BART    Practically worthless?  Nonetheless, Mr. Winthrop requests that you make it over to him in its entirety, in return for monies which have already changed hands - to wit, one thousand pounds. HARRIET    Why should he want to claim ownership of the silly thing? BART    [fraught with ominous meaning] Why indeed.  [brisk] All you need concern yourself with is your signature on that document, placing the item into legal custody of my client. HARRIET    Client? BART    Did he fail to mention that I am his family solicitor? HARRIET    [worried]  Solicitor.  Yes, I believe he overlooked that. BART    Come, come.  He won't be gone all day. HARRIET    No.  I would like to hear the reason for this. BART    [furious] Miss Carter-Nelson!  I am not here to give explanations, merely to get one of two outcomes from you - and while my preference would be for you to regain your painting, and my client his money, that is undoubtedly out of the question.  Should the need arise, I am also prepared to begin legal proceedings. HARRIET    [gasp] SOUND    KNOCK ALGY    [outside] I say, Bart, have you got someone in there? BART    Drat. HARRIET    [musing] Lamentably sentimental, you say? BART    Mister Winthrop, perhaps you would-- HARRIET    [loud, over him, cheery] Come in! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, ALGY ENTERS ALGY    Good gracious!  Are you keeping secrets from me, old man? BART    I am merely trying to legitimize the transaction that passed between you two-- HARRIET    [flirty] He's trying to get me to sign over all ownership of that painting. ALGY    Oh!  Good job.  Go on. HARRIET    You... you actually WANT it? ALGY    [hinting] It's not a matter of what I want-- BART    [cutting him off]  AHEM.  It's a matter of making the entire situation clear and above board.  The painting has more than been compensated for.  HARRIET    [suspicious] What do you plan to do with it? BART    [rising irritation] That is none of your concern!  The only thing that needs to happen here and now is for you to transfer title or return my client's deposit. HARRIET    This is hardly fair.  I should need to consult a solicitor as well - see to it that this bill of sale is proper and aboveboard! BART    You're right, of course.  If you will give me the name of your solicitor, I can contact him directly.  [muttered]  Probably best to have him on hand, regardless, just in case Mr. Winthrop decides to take my advice as to... legal action. HARRIET    Mr. Winthrop, I just want to-- ALGY    You can call me Algernon, if you like, Miss Carter-Nelson. HARRIET    [hesitant, confused]  Algernon.  Very well, but I-- ALGY    And perhaps I might be allowed to call you Harriet? HARRIET    [a bit wry]  Will it help convince you this does not require legal action if we are on a first name basis? ALGY    [laughs]  Perhaps. HARRIET    [slightly wheedling] Will it help convince you to let me in on the big secret about the... uh... painting in question?  ALGY    Oh, that.  It's really quite simple-- BART    Ahem. ALGY    [fatuous] Hush, Barty. I know how to handle women. BART    AHEM! ALGY    Shall I ring and have someone bring you a lozenge?  No?  Very well.  [confidential, pleased]  Now Harriet.  I can take a joke as well as the next fellow.  Don't you agree? HARRIET    You've been a pip. ALGY    And I'm sure you feel that perhaps I've only got what I deserve, as I may very well have been on the verge of stealing your lovely old master, or at the very least short-changing such a poor but lovely young heiress. HARRIET    You would be surprised how many might consider such dastardly deeds, given our relative positions. ALGY    [annoyed] How many?  [smooth again]  Well, I can assure you that I would have played fair with you - and got you the best possible deal--   BART    That is all moot.  Why don't you just null the entire transaction and give the painting back.  The colonel-- [catching himself in a mistake] I mean, the person in question - ahem - has stated a clear unwillingness to own any piece of dubious origin. ALGY    A-HEM. HARRIET    [musing] A Colonel? ALGY    I suppose you must have realized by now that I have a potential buyer for the painting, and that I will be making back - mm - more than my thousand.  HARRIET    For that drab thing? ALGY    Some pieces sell on merit, others on sentiment.  The best salesmen are those who find the right customers. HARRIET    How much? BART    As far as you are concerned, it is one thousand pounds, already paid, and an agreement on my client's part not to litigate for false pretenses. HARRIET    No, really, [very warm] Algernon.  How much? ALGY    [melting] I've been offered five thousand, but only with a clear title. HARRIET    [shock] Five? For Great Aunt Ermintrude's "Impressions of a Baltic Lighthouse?" BART    [muttered] A leaning Baltic lighthouse. ALGY    [annoyed]  A Baltic lighthouse a certain colonel recognizes as a place near where he was once stationed in his youth.  A place he used to meet his one true love. HARRIET    [amazed]  Truly? ALGY    So he says, and I was of no mind to disabuse him. HARRIET    Suddenly I have been hit with a terrible guilt complex about having taken such foul advantage of you.  ALGY    Oh really? HARRIET    Such a sentimental streak - I never would have suspected it. ALGY    I hide it well. BART    [snort of laughter turned into cough] HARRIET    I think the best way to handle this is to give you your money back and call it all even. ALGY    Oh, really? HARRIET    Yes.  And, just to show what a good sport I am, I'd - I'd like to make a present of the silly thing to your friend -um- colonel, uh...?  [hinting] ALGY    [breaks down laughing] BART    I fear you've overplayed your hand, young lady. HARRIET    I?  Whatever do you mean? ALGY    You are adorable. HARRIET    [offended] You make it sound as if I was a puppy! ALGY    [still trying to stop laughing] No, no, no.  You are far cleverer than any puppy. HARRIET    I should hope so.  [huff]  I think this is where I should take my leave. ALGY    [suddenly sober]  No.  HARRIET    [wary]  Why? ALGY    There's still the matter of my money. HARRIET    Get it from your colonel! SOUND    A BIT OF A SCUFFLE AS HE STOPS HER FROM LEAVING BART    Here now!  Here now!  I will not have this!  Sit down, both of you! SOUND    THEY BREAK APART WITH A GASP BART    I said sit!  SOUND    CHAIR NOISES SOUND    DRINKS POURED BART    I have the perfect answer to this dilemma, if you will just be quiet and listen. ALGY    He probably does.  He's very clever. HARRIET    I think you both find yourselves too clever by half. ALGY    You fit in quite nicely, then, don't you? BART    How odd.  I distinctly recall-- Did I not say to be quiet?  ALGY    [teasing] We'll be good, papa. HARRIET    Are you planning to mete out justice like old king Solomon? BART    Do you want half a painting?  [beat]  Good.  Now.  The way I see it, your problem, Miss Carter-Nelson, is you wish to preserve your home, and are going about it in this rather nefarious manner.  HARRIET    Well... BART    This is no time for prevarication, miss --Harriet. HARRIET    I am using what little I have to save my home.  Yes.  BART    Very well. HARRIET    And if I happen to take slight advantage over those who otherwise would have taken similar advantage of me-- ALGY    I already told you, Harriet darling, I would never have-- HARRIET    But I couldn't know that, could I? BART    Hush!  [beat]  I swear you bicker like-- well, we'll leave that for the moment.  [chuckles]  And your problem, dear boy, is you would love to get your hands on the lovely old masters this young woman consorts with. HARRIET    [amused] You make it sound quite filthy! ALGY    [quiet] Not the only thing.  [up] Yes.  I would love to be the one to discover such lovely pieces and be able to find them good homes.  Even legitimate ones. BART    Oh, well then - the answer is simple. HARRIET    Oh?  Really? BART    You two should marry. HARRIET    [startled, outraged] What? ALGY    Capital idea.  Was thinking something along those lines myself. HARRIET    oh!  [indignant gasp]  Here! SOUND    PURSE CLICKS OPEN, COUNT OUT MONEY HARRIET    Here is your blasted thousand pounds. SOUND    MONEY TOSSED ON TABLE SOUND    PURSE SNAPPED SHUT HARRIET    [huff] Good day! SOUND    SHE LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR BART    [chuckle] She suits you.  ALGY    [confident] Just a matter of time. BART    Make sure to send along some of the wedding cake, there's a good chap.  THE END ANNOUNCER    [credits]

Marc is the host of the popular YouTube channel Broadway by Ghostlight and is here for a show that ran for 8 performances despite Barbra Streisand's best efforts. Topics include: selling merch at The Drowsy Chaperone, Lee Wilkoff v. Eddie Korbich, shows that should've gone out of town, Anyone Can Whistle, and Blue Pear Records. Broadway by Ghostlight - Drat! The Cat!: Broadway's Best 8-Performance FLOP Broadway by Ghostlight - The Outrageous Publicity Stunts Of David Merrick Featured recordings: Drat! The Cat! - Studio Cast Recording (1997) • My Name Is Barbra, Two... - Barbra Streisand (1965) MERCH! Visit our Patreon for access to our monthly live stream The Original Cast at the Movies where this year we're talking musical sequels and musical biopics! Patreon • Twitter • Facebook • Email

Today I begin Forgotten Broadway, a new miniseries within my summer series “Musical Life in New York City 1950-1975.” This wildly eclectic (some might say chaotic) program, the first of three, concerns itself with several different aspects of “forgotten” Broadway: forgotten songs, forgotten shows, and forgotten performers; as well as all imaginable combinations of the above. For instance, many might not remember the show Drat! the Cat! but will remember quite well the song “He [originally She] Touched Me.” Everyone remembers Ethel Merman and Angela Lansbury, but I would bet that fewer remember their less successful shows Happy Hunting and Dear World. This episode includes songs by Richard Rodgers, Jule Styne, Bob Merrill, Wright and Forrest, and Comden and Green, as well as lesser known composers and lyricists such as Claibe Richardson, Bill and Patti Jacob, and Ervin Drake, sung by such stalwarts as Leslie Uggams, Barbara Cook, Alfred Drake, and Barbra Streisand, as well as such blazing (but less remembered figures) such as Alice Playten, Dolores Gray, Mimi Hines, and June Carroll. Such recently departed figures as Micki Grant, Kenward Elmslie, Sally Ann Howes, and Donald Pippin also receive airplay. Part II will be published in two weeks, and Part III will soon be available as a bonus episode for my Patreon subscribers. Countermelody is a podcast devoted to the glory and the power of the human voice raised in song. Singer and vocal aficionado Daniel Gundlach explores great singers of the past and present focusing in particular on those who are less well-remembered today than they should be. Daniel's lifetime in music as a professional countertenor, pianist, vocal coach, voice teacher, and journalist yields an exciting array of anecdotes, impressions, and “inside stories.” At Countermelody's core is the celebration of great singers of all stripes, their instruments, and the connection they make to the words they sing. By clicking on the following link (https://linktr.ee/CountermelodyPodcast) you can find the dedicated Countermelody website which contains additional content including artist photos and episode setlists. The link will also take you to Countermelody's Patreon page, where you can pledge your monthly support at whatever level you can afford. Bonus episodes available exclusively to Patreon supporters are currently available and further bonus content including interviews and livestreams is planned for the upcoming season.

My sister, Mrs. Joe Gargery, was more than twenty years older than I, and had established a great reputation with herself and the neighbors because she had brought me up “by hand.” Having at that time to find out for myself what the expression meant, and knowing her to have a hard and heavy hand, and to be much in the habit of laying it upon her husband as well as upon me, I supposed that Joe Gargery and I were both brought up by hand.She was not a good-looking woman, my sister; and I had a general impression that she must have made Joe Gargery marry her by hand. Joe was a fair man, with curls of flaxen hair on each side of his smooth face, and with eyes of such a very undecided blue that they seemed to have somehow got mixed with their own whites. He was a mild, good-natured, sweet-tempered, easygoing, foolish, dear fellow⁠—a sort of Hercules in strength, and also in weakness.My sister, Mrs. Joe, with black hair and eyes, had such a prevailing redness of skin that I sometimes used to wonder whether it was possible she washed herself with a nutmeg grater instead of soap. She was tall and bony, and almost always wore a coarse apron, fastened over her figure behind with two loops, and having a square impregnable bib in front, that was stuck full of pins and needles. She made it a powerful merit in herself, and a strong reproach against Joe, that she wore this apron so much. Though I really see no reason why she should have worn it at all; or why, if she did wear it at all, she should not have taken it off, every day of her life.Joe's forge adjoined our house, which was a wooden house, as many of the dwellings in our country were⁠—most of them, at that time. When I ran home from the churchyard, the forge was shut up, and Joe was sitting alone in the kitchen. Joe and I being fellow-sufferers, and having confidences as such, Joe imparted a confidence to me, the moment I raised the latch of the door and peeped in at him opposite to it, sitting in the chimney corner.“Mrs. Joe has been out a dozen times, looking for you, Pip. And she's out now, making it a baker's dozen.”“Is she?”“Yes, Pip,” said Joe; “and what's worse, she's got Tickler with her.”At this dismal intelligence, I twisted the only button on my waistcoat round and round, and looked in great depression at the fire. Tickler was a wax-ended piece of cane, worn smooth by collision with my tickled frame.“She sot down,” said Joe, “and she got up, and she made a grab at Tickler, and she rampaged out. That's what she did,” said Joe, slowly clearing the fire between the lower bars with the poker, and looking at it; “she rampaged out, Pip.”“Has she been gone long, Joe?” I always treated him as a larger species of child, and as no more than my equal.“Well,” said Joe, glancing up at the Dutch clock, “she's been on the rampage, this last spell, about five minutes, Pip. She's a coming! Get behind the door, old chap, and have the jack-towel betwixt you.”I took the advice. My sister, Mrs. Joe, throwing the door wide open, and finding an obstruction behind it, immediately divined the cause, and applied Tickler to its further investigation. She concluded by throwing me⁠—I often served as a connubial missile⁠—at Joe, who, glad to get hold of me on any terms, passed me on into the chimney and quietly fenced me up there with his great leg.“Where have you been, you young monkey?” said Mrs. Joe, stamping her foot. “Tell me directly what you've been doing to wear me away with fret and fright and worrit, or I'd have you out of that corner if you was fifty Pips, and he was five hundred Gargerys.”“I have only been to the churchyard,” said I, from my stool, crying and rubbing myself.“Churchyard!” repeated my sister. “If it warn't for me you'd have been to the churchyard long ago, and stayed there. Who brought you up by hand?”“You did,” said I.“And why did I do it, I should like to know?” exclaimed my sister.I whimpered, “I don't know.”“I don't!” said my sister. “I'd never do it again! I know that. I may truly say I've never had this apron of mine off since born you were. It's bad enough to be a blacksmith's wife (and him a Gargery) without being your mother.”My thoughts strayed from that question as I looked disconsolately at the fire. For the fugitive out on the marshes with the ironed leg, the mysterious young man, the file, the food, and the dreadful pledge I was under to commit a larceny on those sheltering premises, rose before me in the avenging coals.“Hah!” said Mrs. Joe, restoring Tickler to his station. “Churchyard, indeed! You may well say churchyard, you two.” One of us, by the by, had not said it at all. “You'll drive me to the churchyard betwixt you, one of these days, and O, a pr-r-recious pair you'd be without me!”As she applied herself to set the tea things, Joe peeped down at me over his leg, as if he were mentally casting me and himself up, and calculating what kind of pair we practically should make, under the grievous circumstances foreshadowed. After that, he sat feeling his right-side flaxen curls and whisker, and following Mrs. Joe about with his blue eyes, as his manner always was at squally times.My sister had a trenchant way of cutting our bread and butter for us, that never varied. First, with her left hand she jammed the loaf hard and fast against her bib⁠—where it sometimes got a pin into it, and sometimes a needle, which we afterwards got into our mouths. Then she took some butter (not too much) on a knife and spread it on the loaf, in an apothecary kind of way, as if she were making a plaster⁠—using both sides of the knife with a slapping dexterity, and trimming and moulding the butter off round the crust. Then, she gave the knife a final smart wipe on the edge of the plaster, and then sawed a very thick round off the loaf: which she finally, before separating from the loaf, hewed into two halves, of which Joe got one, and I the other.On the present occasion, though I was hungry, I dared not eat my slice. I felt that I must have something in reserve for my dreadful acquaintance, and his ally the still more dreadful young man. I knew Mrs. Joe's housekeeping to be of the strictest kind, and that my larcenous researches might find nothing available in the safe. Therefore I resolved to put my hunk of bread and butter down the leg of my trousers.The effort of resolution necessary to the achievement of this purpose I found to be quite awful. It was as if I had to make up my mind to leap from the top of a high house, or plunge into a great depth of water. And it was made the more difficult by the unconscious Joe. In our already-mentioned freemasonry as fellow-sufferers, and in his good-natured companionship with me, it was our evening habit to compare the way we bit through our slices, by silently holding them up to each other's admiration now and then⁠—which stimulated us to new exertions. Tonight, Joe several times invited me, by the display of his fast diminishing slice, to enter upon our usual friendly competition; but he found me, each time, with my yellow mug of tea on one knee, and my untouched bread and butter on the other. At last, I desperately considered that the thing I contemplated must be done, and that it had best be done in the least improbable manner consistent with the circumstances. I took advantage of a moment when Joe had just looked at me, and got my bread and butter down my leg.Joe was evidently made uncomfortable by what he supposed to be my loss of appetite, and took a thoughtful bite out of his slice, which he didn't seem to enjoy. He turned it about in his mouth much longer than usual, pondering over it a good deal, and after all gulped it down like a pill. He was about to take another bite, and had just got his head on one side for a good purchase on it, when his eye fell on me, and he saw that my bread and butter was gone.The wonder and consternation with which Joe stopped on the threshold of his bite and stared at me, were too evident to escape my sister's observation.“What's the matter now?” said she, smartly, as she put down her cup.“I say, you know!” muttered Joe, shaking his head at me in very serious remonstrance. “Pip, old chap! You'll do yourself a mischief. It'll stick somewhere. You can't have chawed it, Pip.”“What's the matter now?” repeated my sister, more sharply than before.“If you can cough any trifle on it up, Pip, I'd recommend you to do it,” said Joe, all aghast. “Manners is manners, but still your elth's your elth.”By this time, my sister was quite desperate, so she pounced on Joe, and, taking him by the two whiskers, knocked his head for a little while against the wall behind him, while I sat in the corner, looking guiltily on.“Now, perhaps you'll mention what's the matter,” said my sister, out of breath, “you staring great stuck pig.”Joe looked at her in a helpless way, then took a helpless bite, and looked at me again.“You know, Pip,” said Joe, solemnly, with his last bite in his cheek, and speaking in a confidential voice, as if we two were quite alone, “you and me is always friends, and I'd be the last to tell upon you, any time. But such a⁠—” he moved his chair and looked about the floor between us, and then again at me⁠—“such a most oncommon bolt as that!”“Been bolting his food, has he?” cried my sister.“You know, old chap,” said Joe, looking at me, and not at Mrs. Joe, with his bite still in his cheek, “I bolted, myself, when I was your age⁠—frequent⁠—and as a boy I've been among a many bolters; but I never see your bolting equal yet, Pip, and it's a mercy you ain't bolted dead.”My sister made a dive at me, and fished me up by the hair, saying nothing more than the awful words, “You come along and be dosed.”Some medical beast had revived tar water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence. On this particular evening the urgency of my case demanded a pint of this mixture, which was poured down my throat, for my greater comfort, while Mrs. Joe held my head under her arm, as a boot would be held in a bootjack. Joe got off with half a pint; but was made to swallow that (much to his disturbance, as he sat slowly munching and meditating before the fire), “because he had had a turn.” Judging from myself, I should say he certainly had a turn afterwards, if he had had none before.Conscience is a dreadful thing when it accuses man or boy; but when, in the case of a boy, that secret burden cooperates with another secret burden down the leg of his trousers, it is (as I can testify) a great punishment. The guilty knowledge that I was going to rob Mrs. Joe⁠—I never thought I was going to rob Joe, for I never thought of any of the housekeeping property as his⁠—united to the necessity of always keeping one hand on my bread and butter as I sat, or when I was ordered about the kitchen on any small errand, almost drove me out of my mind. Then, as the marsh winds made the fire glow and flare, I thought I heard the voice outside, of the man with the iron on his leg who had sworn me to secrecy, declaring that he couldn't and wouldn't starve until tomorrow, but must be fed now. At other times, I thought, What if the young man who was with so much difficulty restrained from imbruing his hands in me should yield to a constitutional impatience, or should mistake the time, and should think himself accredited to my heart and liver tonight, instead of tomorrow! If ever anybody's hair stood on end with terror, mine must have done so then. But, perhaps, nobody's ever did?It was Christmas Eve, and I had to stir the pudding for next day, with a copper stick, from seven to eight by the Dutch clock. I tried it with the load upon my leg (and that made me think afresh of the man with the load on his leg), and found the tendency of exercise to bring the bread and butter out at my ankle, quite unmanageable. Happily I slipped away, and deposited that part of my conscience in my garret bedroom.“Hark!” said I, when I had done my stirring, and was taking a final warm in the chimney corner before being sent up to bed; “was that great guns, Joe?”“Ah!” said Joe. “There's another conwict off.”“What does that mean, Joe?” said I.Mrs. Joe, who always took explanations upon herself, said, snappishly, “Escaped. Escaped.” Administering the definition like tar water.While Mrs. Joe sat with her head bending over her needlework, I put my mouth into the forms of saying to Joe, “What's a convict?” Joe put his mouth into the forms of returning such a highly elaborate answer, that I could make out nothing of it but the single word “Pip.”“There was a conwict off last night,” said Joe, aloud, “after sunset-gun. And they fired warning of him. And now it appears they're firing warning of another.”“Who's firing?” said I.“Drat that boy,” interposed my sister, frowning at me over her work, “what a questioner he is. Ask no questions, and you'll be told no lies.”It was not very polite to herself, I thought, to imply that I should be told lies by her even if I did ask questions. But she never was polite unless there was company.At this point Joe greatly augmented my curiosity by taking the utmost pains to open his mouth very wide, and to put it into the form of a word that looked to me like “sulks.” Therefore, I naturally pointed to Mrs. Joe, and put my mouth into the form of saying, “her?” But Joe wouldn't hear of that, at all, and again opened his mouth very wide, and shook the form of a most emphatic word out of it. But I could make nothing of the word.“Mrs. Joe,” said I, as a last resort, “I should like to know⁠—if you wouldn't much mind⁠—where the firing comes from?”“Lord bless the boy!” exclaimed my sister, as if she didn't quite mean that but rather the contrary. “From the hulks!”“Oh‑h!” said I, looking at Joe. “Hulks!”Joe gave a reproachful cough, as much as to say, “Well, I told you so.”“And please, what's hulks?” said I.“That's the way with this boy!” exclaimed my sister, pointing me out with her needle and thread, and shaking her head at me. “Answer him one question, and he'll ask you a dozen directly. Hulks are prison ships, right 'cross th' meshes.” We always used that name for marshes, in our country.“I wonder who's put into prison ships, and why they're put there?” said I, in a general way, and with quiet desperation.It was too much for Mrs. Joe, who immediately rose. “I tell you what, young fellow,” said she, “I didn't bring you up by hand to badger people's lives out. It would be blame to me and not praise, if I had. People are put in the hulks because they murder, and because they rob, and forge, and do all sorts of bad; and they always begin by asking questions. Now, you get along to bed!”I was never allowed a candle to light me to bed, and, as I went upstairs in the dark, with my head tingling⁠—from Mrs. Joe's thimble having played the tambourine upon it, to accompany her last words⁠—I felt fearfully sensible of the great convenience that the hulks were handy for me. I was clearly on my way there. I had begun by asking questions, and I was going to rob Mrs. Joe.Since that time, which is far enough away now, I have often thought that few people know what secrecy there is in the young under terror. No matter how unreasonable the terror, so that it be terror. I was in mortal terror of the young man who wanted my heart and liver; I was in mortal terror of my interlocutor with the iron leg; I was in mortal terror of myself, from whom an awful promise had been extracted; I had no hope of deliverance through my all-powerful sister, who repulsed me at every turn; I am afraid to think of what I might have done on requirement, in the secrecy of my terror.If I slept at all that night, it was only to imagine myself drifting down the river on a strong spring tide, to the hulks; a ghostly pirate calling out to me through a speaking-trumpet, as I passed the gibbet station, that I had better come ashore and be hanged there at once, and not put it off. I was afraid to sleep, even if I had been inclined, for I knew that at the first faint dawn of morning I must rob the pantry. There was no doing it in the night, for there was no getting a light by easy friction then; to have got one I must have struck it out of flint and steel, and have made a noise like the very pirate himself rattling his chains.As soon as the great black velvet pall outside my little window was shot with gray, I got up and went downstairs; every board upon the way, and every crack in every board calling after me, “Stop thief!” and “Get up, Mrs. Joe!” In the pantry, which was far more abundantly supplied than usual, owing to the season, I was very much alarmed by a hare hanging up by the heels, whom I rather thought I caught, when my back was half turned, winking. I had no time for verification, no time for selection, no time for anything, for I had no time to spare. I stole some bread, some rind of cheese, about half a jar of mincemeat (which I tied up in my pocket handkerchief with my last night's slice), some brandy from a stone bottle (which I decanted into a glass bottle I had secretly used for making that intoxicating fluid, Spanish-liquorice-water, up in my room: diluting the stone bottle from a jug in the kitchen cupboard), a meat bone with very little on it, and a beautiful round compact pork pie. I was nearly going away without the pie, but I was tempted to mount upon a shelf, to look what it was that was put away so carefully in a covered earthenware dish in a corner, and I found it was the pie, and I took it in the hope that it was not intended for early use, and would not be missed for some time.There was a door in the kitchen, communicating with the forge; I unlocked and unbolted that door, and got a file from among Joe's tools. Then I put the fastenings as I had found them, opened the door at which I had entered when I ran home last night, shut it, and ran for the misty marshes. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit greatexpectations.substack.com

On a new episode of Locked on Cavs (Monday, June 20, 2022), hosts Chris Manning (@cwmwrites, SB Nation's Fear the Sword, DIME ON URPOXX) and Evan Dammarell (@AmNotEvan, Facebook's Right Down Euclid) take 2022 NBA Draft-focused mailbag questions, including notes on the Cavs trading up, their interest in Dalen Terry and more.  Support Us By Supporting Our Sponsors! PrizePicks Check out PrizePicks.com and use promo code: “NBA” or go to your app store and download the app today. PrizePicks is daily fantasy made easy! Built Bar Built Bar is a protein bar that tastes like a candy bar. Go to builtbar.com and use promo code “LOCKED15,” and you'll get 15% off your next order. BetOnline BetOnline.net has you covered this season with more props, odds and lines than ever before. BetOnline – Where The Game Starts! Rock Auto Amazing selection. Reliably low prices. All the parts your car will ever need. Visit RockAuto.com and tell them Locked On sent you. Arcade1up Pre-order now from arcade1up.com - that's Arcade, the number 1, Up, dot com - for an estimated early September ship date! They are giving away a NBA JAM Shaq edition to a Locked On listener! Enter for a chance to win a game console for your man-cave at arcade1up.com/lockedon.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Walk and JDB go 48 deep in the Running Back edition of the 2022 Fantasy Draft series.

This month I hang out with Dr. Liao, a fellow colleague and old classmate from as far back as 2008!  We discuss it all: Asian American background, student loans, business ownership, entrepreneurship, and of course our Oma/Sarcomas. Tune in with a cup of coffee and listen to us catch up on life.

This week Julius and I discuss worker placement games.  Drat, I forgot to write down the games we talked about in order.  I'll have to do that later on when I listen to the episode once it comes out.  If you want an exact, clickable list and you don't see it in the notes in your podcast player, visit 1PlayerPodcast.com and view the episode notes there.   Drat.  

In this edition of Trends, Jack and Miles discuss Lauren Boebert & Marjorie Taylor Greene getting into an altercation at a GOP meeting, tennis star Boris Becker being sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison for committing fraud after declaring bankruptcy, the NFL Draft, a preview of the second round of the NBA Playoffs and tonight's Game 6 of the Timberwolves/Grizzlies series, Van Jones' comments regarding the black community's disappointment at the lack of follow through on campaign promises and Bug Bunny trending after a rant by Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis about how in his childhood, he could watch cartoons without having to worry about liberal ideology being forced upon him. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today we return have a long hiatus to discuss several things: 1.) Emergency medicine is a different monster 2.) The rise of VEG!! An upcoming emergency chain that is all the crave in veterinary medicine. Why is that?! 3.) Mental health and our stories - listen to the story behind Dr. Fifa's struggles and how her obstacles were overcome

Featured on today's episode:Drat the Luck (Winston-Salem)Rosary (Wilmington)Rugg (Boone)Awen Family Band (North Carolina)Chuck Mountain (Greensboro)Drat the Luck (Winston-Salem)

Dane Brugler of The Athletic is the best in the business when it comes to the NFL Draft and he's in Mobile. Dane will give you updates on how potential first rounders like Jermaine Johnson, Zion Johnson, Trevor Penning etc looked during the first practice of Senior Bowl week as well as answering questions from you guys about position rankings and Cowboy targets for the draft. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jeff-cavanaugh/support

The Insurrection of 2021, An Anniversary PodcastOn January 6, 2021 there was an attempt by an insurrectionist mob to block the certification of the 2020 Presidential Election.  This uprising came within the context of an American political system that had become seriously weakened over the past decades.  This weakened political system made it possible for an authoritarian leader to step into the breach.  Shockingly, this pattern of the elected autocrat has been seen in other countries.  The book How Democracies Die by Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt  (2019) discusses the phenomenon.  In this discussion I use this book as a jumping off point for an analysis of some of the causes and patterns of this frightening new development.  There is also an excellent book by Anne Applebaum, The Twilight of Democracy, 2020, that addresses some of the same issues. This book is interesting because Applebaum is an American with a close connection to Poland, which has its own problems with democratic authoritarianism.   I do not discuss this book but you might find it interesting.  I make reference to two previous podcasts which listeners might find of interest , one on Impeachment and one on The Replacement Wars:  The Ideology of Radical White NationalismAt the time of this podcast, I was sniffling  so my voice fades at time.   Drat! Also, there were two glitches.  The 2020 German state election when Merkel challenged her own party leader was in Thuringia.  Sorry about that.   And, also, Madison wrote Federalist Ten.   Oh, my.  Generations of students would turn on me if I did not acknowledge this error. 

“Drat the boy, I said, not meaning it, mind. That nose of his will get him into a right pickle some day.” --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/grace-chetwin/message

Drat - my last episode description referred to the three witches from Macbeth, so I can't use it here! It would've been way more appropriate for this one. Ah well, you know what they say in baseball - fair is foul, and foul is fair.

Matty & Lavallee recap the NBA Finals, discuss NBA free agency & more