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Scolari para Ronaldo: "Fizeste tudo para merecer o título de melhor do mundo"38ad9e2a-aae3-ef1
Chamaram-lhe a Batalha de Nuremberga. No Mundial da Alemanha, em 2006, Portugal e Países Baixos reencontraram-se depois da meia-final de Alvalade e o resultado foi um festival de cartões distribuídos pelo russo Valentin Ivanov. O Pedro Fragoso e o Rui Silva juntaram-se para falar deste jogo dos oitavos de final, com muitos elogios para Figo, Scolari e para a maturidade de alguns… sem esquecer a imaturidade de outros e da entrada violenta de Boulahrouz sobre um jovem Cristiano Ronaldo.
In part two of this captivating interview, Ashley Cole dives deeper into the pivotal moments of his illustrious career. Known as one of football's greatest-ever left-backs, Ashley reflects on his move to Chelsea, the challenges of proving himself again, and the tactical nuances of facing players like Cristiano Ronaldo. He candidly shares his journey into coaching, including how he's preparing to step into a managerial role, and his evolving philosophy on player development.From high-pressure penalties in Champions League finals to his infamous departure from Arsenal, Ashley discusses the mental and emotional demands of elite football. He also offers a rare glimpse into his personal growth, both as a player and a mentor to the next generation. Packed with exclusive insights, this episode is an intimate look at what drives a footballing icon on and off the pitch.Chumbawamba 00:00: Intro00:56: Stepping out at Stamford Bridge.02:22: Competing with Wayne Bridge05:20: Scolari'stactics06:24: Facing Ronaldo…08:18: Ashley's philosophy10:14: Five-year plan.17:14: Ready to be a manager25:25: England's "Golden Generation"27:29: England career and sacrifices29:20: High-pressure penalties39:40: Life after EuropeSubscribe to https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFULBvlxNWW8cWsrV6fGrcwFollow our Clips page https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLNBLB3xr3LyiyAkhZEtiAA For more Peter Crouch: Twitter - https://twitter.com/petercrouch Therapy Crouch - https://www.youtube.com/@thetherapycrouch For more Chris Stark Twitter - https://twitter.com/Chris_StarkInstagram - https://www.instagram.com/chrisstark/For more Steve Sidwell Twitter - https://twitter.com/sjsidwell Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/stevesidwell14 #PeterCrouch #ThatPeterCrouchPodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Renascença - Jogo de Palavra, As Entrevistas de Rui Miguel Tovar
O último convidado de 2024 é Alex, nascido e criado em Guimarães, com duas passagens pelo Vitória e uma Taça de Portugal, a de 2013, vs. Benfica. É três vezes internacional português com Scolari e passa as passas do algarve com Magath no Wolfsburgo
22 12 2024 03 Vivir Mejor Dra. Erika Scolari. by ABC Color
22 12 2024 04 Vivir Mejor Dra. Erika Scolari. by ABC Color
22 12 2024 05 Vivir Mejor Dra. Erika Scolari. by ABC Color
Il protagonista della puntata 291 di Passione Triathlon èACHILLE MASCHERPASegui l'intervista condotta da Dario Daddo Nardone, in prima visione l'11 dicembre 2024 dalle 21.00.#daddocè #mondotriathlon #ioTRIamo ❤️________Video puntate Passione Triathlon: https://www.mondotriathlon.it/passioneSegui il Podcast di Passione Triathlon suSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7FgsIqHtPVSMWmvDk3ygM1Spreaker: https://www.spreaker.com/show/triathlonAmazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/f7e2e6f0-3473-4b18-b2d9-f6499078b9e0/mondo-triathlon-daddo-podcastApple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/it/podcast/mondo-triathlon-daddo-podcast/id1226932686Trinews: Mondotriathlon.itFacebook: @mondotriathlonInstagram: @mondotriathlon________#triathlon #trilife #fczstyle#passionetriathlon
In pochi giorni abbiamo assistito al più grande e pericoloso aumento del livello dello scontro tra Israele e Hezbollah da decenni. Parliamo di cosa potrebbe succedere con Rolla Scolari, giornalista di SkyTg24 esperta di Medio Oriente. Questo e gli altri podcast gratuiti del Post sono possibili grazie a chi si abbona al Post e ne sostiene il lavoro. Se vuoi fare la tua parte, abbonati al Post. I consigli di Rolla Scolari – "Beirut Blues" di Hanan al-Shaykh – "Implosions" di Hyam Yared – Il film "L'insulto" di Ziad Doueiri Sul Post – Migliaia di persone stanno lasciando il sud del Libano – Che cos'è Hezbollah – Tutte le volte che Israele ha invaso il Libano – Una guerra tra Israele e Hezbollah sarebbe una cosa diversa Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Dotun and Tim are joined by George Tsitsonis a Greek Football fan and author of 'Achieving The Impossible-The Remarkable Story of Greece's EURO 2004 Victory' to discuss Greece's unlikely victory in Euro 2004. They discuss how the Greek's did it, Portugal manager Scolari and the music of the day. SUBSCRIBE TO BRAZILIAN SHIRT NAME EXTRA FOR EARLY ACCESS AND NO ADS:https://brazilian-shirt-name.hubwave.net/FOLLOW THE BRAZILIAN SHIRT NAME ON INSTAGRAM:https://www.instagram.com/brazilshirtpod/FOLLOW THE BRAZILIAN SHIRT NAME ON FACEBOOK:https://www.facebook.com/BrazilShirtPodFOLLOW THE BRAZILIAN SHIRT NAME ON TWITTER:https://twitter.com/BrazilShirtPodPURCHASE DOTUN'S LATEST BOOK, EFFRIES HERE: https://amzn.to/4cM260fPURCHASE GEORGE'S BOOK: https://stanchionbooks.com/products/achieving-the-impossible-the-remarkable-story-of-greeces-euro-2004-victory?_pos=1&_sid=7e7586b1e&_ss=r
A court in Indiana has just ruled that tacos are considered sandwiches under the letter of the law. This upset the boys and re-ignited the hot dog/sandwich debate. The guys speak to a rep from Wallet Hub about the Good, Bad and Ungly of Connecticut. Comedian Robert Kelly joins the show. The boys learn that Peter Scolari passed away.....three years ago. Thoughts and Prayers.
40 anos depois, Portugal chegou a uma meia-final de um Mundial. Scolari manteve-se no comando técnico com o objectivo de revalidar o seu título de selecionador campeão do mundo. Depois de uma fase de qualificação tranquila, Portugal fez um Mundial na Alemanha muito sólido até encontrar pela frente o carrasco habitual.
El director técnico brasileño Luiz Felipe Scolari sería candidato para asumir las riendas de la Selección de México próximamente de acuerdo con el periodista Guto Lopes. La popular cantante sacará lo mejor de ella en su siguiente gira, demostrando lo positivo de ella para todos y para sí misma.
El director técnico brasileño Luiz Felipe Scolari sería candidato para asumir las riendas de la Selección de México próximamente de acuerdo con el periodista Guto Lopes. La popular cantante sacará lo mejor de ella en su siguiente gira, demostrando lo positivo de ella para todos y para sí misma.
Abrimos nuevo episodio semanal de La Montaña Rusa con este concierto inédito recientemente publicado, que recoge la actuación de Roy Hargrove en 1993 junto a otras luminarias del Jazz Contemporáneo, The Love Suite: In Mahogany, imperdible! Seguiremos con la música del pianista y compositor Dave Meder y su sorprendente Unamuno Songs and Stories, publicado en 2021. Nuestro Clásico de la Semana fue el histórico Jazz at Massey Hall Concert de 1953, con Charlie Parker, Dizzie Gillespie, Bud Powell, Charles Mingus y Max Roach, del que se acaba de publicar una edición con el concierto completo y remasterizado. Seguir leyendo La Montaña Rusa 10.2024. Roy Hargrove. Dave Meder. Charlie Parker, Dizzie Gillespie, Bud Powell, Charles Mingus & Max Roach. Will Bernard. Claudio Scolari Project. India Gailey. en La Montaña Rusa Radio Jazz.
Jorge Andrade é o convidado do novo episódio de "Histórias Fora do Jogo", onde se fala de Deco, Scolari, Jorge Jesus... e muito mais! Vítor Pereira está de regresso à Arábia Saudita.
A Globo partiamo dalla terrificante situazione umanitaria nella Striscia di Gaza per poi vedere quello che le sta succedendo attorno: i timori dell'Egitto, il Libano con Hezbollah e il resto della regione. Con Rolla Scolari, giornalista di SkyTg24 che ha vissuto e viaggiato per anni in Israele, in Palestina e in tutto il Medio Oriente. I consigli di Rolla Scolari – L'articolo “Israele-Hamas, riconoscere l'uomo anche nel nemico” di Daniel Barenboim – La West Eastern Divan Orchestra, a cui partecipano musicisti israeliani e dei paesi arabi, assieme La Striscia di Gaza e il conflitto con Israele sul Post – A Gaza le persone stanno bevendo acqua salata – Le enormi difficoltà negli ospedali di Gaza – Cosa c'è nella Striscia di Gaza oltre a Gaza Globo è un podcast del Post condotto da Eugenio Cau. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Sea desde el sur de Sudamérica o desde Norte América, desde el Medio Oriente o desde una isla exótica, Carola Scolari porta en grande la bandera de la Perspectiva de las Circunstancias. Este episodio se centra en el artículo de Dr. Patrick Friman publicado en el 2021 titulado No existe tal cosa como un niño malo: la Perspectiva de las Circunstancias de la conducta problemática. Carola se tomó el trabajo de traducir el artículo con el permiso de Dr Friman y estará disponible a partir del momento que este episodio sea publicado. Les recomiendo encarecidamente que lo lean y por supuesto que se tomen el tiempo de escuchar este episodio de casi 2 horas donde hacemos una detallada revisión y Carola nos enriquece con sus ejemplos e interpretaciones. Estoy muy orgulloso de este episodio y de Carola. Espero que lo disfruten. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whether from the south of South America or from North America, from the Middle East or from an exotic island, Carola Scolari carries the banner of the Circumstances View. This episode focuses on Dr. Patrick Friman's 2021 article titled There's no such thing as a bad boy: The Circumstances View of problem Behavior. Carola took the trouble to translate the article with the permission of Dr. Friman and it will be available from the moment this episode is published. I strongly recommend that you read it and of course that you take the time to listen to this episode of almost 2 hours where we do a detailed review and Carola enriches us with her examples and interpretations. I am very proud of this episode and of Carola. I hope you enjoy it.
I protagonisti delle gare del fine settimana condividono le loro emozioni e ci raccontano come hanno conquistato i loro traguardi!In questa puntata, Speciale Campionati Italiani Triathlon Olimpico Alba Adriatica:00:20 Luisa Iogna-Prat, Campionessa Italiana Assoluta01:48 Samuele Angelini, Campione Italiano Assoluto06:12 Chiara Lobba, Campionessa Italiana Under 2308:48 Michele Bortolamedi, Campione Italiano Under 2309:29 Emanuela Montanari, Campionessa Italiana Master 113:29 Francesca Nardone, Campionessa Italiana Master 216:24 Armando Scolari, Campione Italiano Master 9Tutte le puntate di Voci del Triathlon: mondotriathlon.it/voci#daddocè #mondotriathlon #ioTRIamo ❤️#triathlon #trilife #fczstyle #passionetriathlon
O português Bruno Lage foi uma cortina de fumaça? O que Scolari pode somar no comando do elenco do Atlético? Saída do Allan está descartada? Desmonte da comissão do Furacão vai favorecer o Galo na Libertadores? Com Guilherme Frossard, Fred Ribeiro, Henrique Fernandes e Rogério Corrêa
Abrimos este número de La Montaña Rusa con uno de los set de Bagatelles del gran John Zorn, en concreto, de las Bagatelles del 2021 que cubren los volúmenes del 5 al 8, escuchamos el vol. 5, con el gran Kris Davis Quartet. Nos apetecía mucho volver a escuchar algo del gran Ernesto Jodos que en 2021 publicó este estupendo Confluence. El Clásico de la Semana fue el descubrimiento de la música del flautista y compositor Eric Ghost, del que escucharemos Secret Suace, publicado en 1975. Seguir leyendo La Montaña Rusa 15.2023. John Zorn’s Bagatelles. Ernesto Jodos. Eric Ghost. Hvalfugl. Gabriel Peso. Claudio Scolari Project. en La Montaña Rusa Radio Jazz.
Today’s episode is with Dr. Laurie Scolari who has held several positions in the field of education. She has always struggled to adjust to a field steeped in a dominant culture that has never felt right. She tried to code-switch into what she thought was expected of her. When she first entered the field, she never wore her hoop earrings to work, thinking they were unprofessional, yet they represented her and where she grew up. Today the world has adjusted a bit, and hoops are commonplace. Meanwhile, she still convinces herself it’s ok to be just her true self at work, now with her hoops on. This internal struggle inspired the name of her YouTube channel: Hoop Earrings Conversations. Though she still works as a full-time professional in education, her channel is dedicated to the real her, the real us. It creates a space for the homies to chat about how to survive and maybe even thrive in dominant culture spaces that were not designed with us in mind. Her work focuses on living authentically, personal development, and self-empowerment. We talk about the following and so much more: ✅ What it means to create your life and your own reality ✅ How our thoughts create our reality and how we change our thoughts ✅ How she re-programmed her thoughts in order to create a new life ✅ What would you tell someone who is having difficulty in their life, and is not getting what they want? ✅ How she deals with difficult work environments and what she would tell someone who is not happy at their current job If you'd like to check out my new YouTube channel where I talk about some of the highlights I've learned about intuition, intention and personal development, you can subscribe here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCEt1RNc-eummCqiPC6-AEQ If you’d like to join the waitlist for my next coaching program, sign up HERE: https://www.yasmeenturayhi.com/gateways-to-awakening/ Please tag us and tell us what you loved! You can follow @Gateways_To_Awakening on Instagram or Facebook if you’d like to stay connected.
Today’s episode is with Dr. Laurie Scolari who has held several positions in the field of education. She has always struggled to adjust to a field steeped in a dominant culture that has never felt right. She tried to code-switch into what she thought was expected of her. When she first entered the field, she never wore her hoop earrings to work, thinking they were unprofessional, yet they represented her and where she grew up. Today the world has adjusted a bit, and hoops are commonplace. Meanwhile, she still convinces herself it’s ok to be just her true self at work, now with her hoops on. This internal struggle inspired the name of her YouTube channel: Hoop Earrings Conversations. Though she still works as a full-time professional in education, her channel is dedicated to the real her, the real us. It creates a space for the homies to chat about how to survive and maybe even thrive in dominant culture spaces that were not designed with us in mind. Her work focuses on living authentically, personal development, and self-empowerment. We talk about the following and so much more: ✅ What it means to create your life and your own reality ✅ How our thoughts create our reality and how we change our thoughts ✅ How she re-programmed her thoughts in order to create a new life ✅ What would you tell someone who is having difficulty in their life, and is not getting what they want? ✅ How she deals with difficult work environments and what she would tell someone who is not happy at their current job If you'd like to check out my new YouTube channel where I talk about some of the highlights I've learned about intuition, intention and personal development, you can subscribe here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCEt1RNc-eummCqiPC6-AEQ If you’d like to join the waitlist for my next coaching program, sign up HERE: https://www.yasmeenturayhi.com/gateways-to-awakening/ Please tag us and tell us what you loved! You can follow @Gateways_To_Awakening on Instagram or Facebook if you’d like to stay connected.
Abrimos este número 03.2023 con la unión del bajista norteamericano Jim Casey y el guitarrista neerlandés Hans Soeteman, en Casey & Soeteman, grupo con el que acaban de publicar Nonstruct. Después escucharemos la música de la saxofonista alemana Johanna Klein, con Cosmos, publicado en 2021. Nuestro Clásico de la Semana fue Charles Mingus, del que acaba de publicarse este concierto inédito en el Ronnie Scott londinense, The Lost Album from Ronnie Scott’s 1972. Seguir leyendo La Montaña Rusa 03.2023. Casey – Soeteman. Johanna Klein. Charles Mingus. Berta Romero. Claudio Scolari Project. en La Montaña Rusa Radio Jazz.
Join Mike Cavaggioni with Vince Scolari on the 142nd episode of the Average Joe Finances Podcast. Vince shares how to build a meaningful network of like-minded real estate entrepreneurs and had success with his acquisitions across the domestic U.S., targeting markets that are poised for growth.In this episode, you'll learn:The key factors to look for when picking a market to invest inWhy real estate is a great asset class to build wealthThe process of building a team for syndication dealsOpportunities, responsibilities, and pressure of a real estate investorAnd so much more!About Vince Scolari:After he graduated from Santa Clara University with a degree in Business Management, he started his career in Risk Management for construction and development. He found himself getting close to different development projects, contractors, and seeing how the property landscape was rapidly evolving in the Bay Area. He started investing in syndications right out of college, seeing the power that equity growth could bring. He eventually became a Partner and Owner at his Brokerage after growing his client base and adding significant value to his firm.Vince is an active Member of the Board of the Santa Clara University Bronco Builders Association, Construction Financial Manager's Association (CFMA), and United Contractors Association. He is also passionate about giving back, active as a contributing board member with a number non-profit and community organizations aimed at supporting education and healthcare in the Bay Area.Find Vince Scolari on:Website: https://laurencerosecapital.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/LaurencerosecapitalInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/laurencerosecapitalYoutube: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaSk7njrtN92103rnp8lJFg Average Joe Finances®All of our social media links and more: https://averagejoefinances.com/linksAbout Mike: https://themikecav.comREWBCON: Join me at the Real Estate Wealth Builders Conference. Use promo code “Mike” to save on tickets. https://averagejoefinances.com/rewbconTools and resources I use: www.averagejoefinances.com/resourcesCRM Tool: www.averagejoefinances.com/crmPay Off Your Mortgage in 5-7 Years:www.theshredmethod.com/averagejoefinancesFind a REALTOR® in any state: www.averagejoefinances.com/realtorMake Real Estate Investing Easier with DealMachine:www.averagejoefinances.com/dealmachinePodcast Hosting: www.averagejoefinances.com/buzzsproutPodcast Editing Services: www.editpods.com*DISCLAIMER* www.averagejoefinances.com/disclaimerSee our full episode transcripts here: www.averagejoefinancespod.com/episodesSupport the show
We've got a HOT guest on the pod today! You may know him as "Choda Boy", you may know him as "Squeak 'Lil Bitch' Scolari", but his name is DIAN BACHAR! We discuss his early his early days in Denver, what made him want to pursue acting, how he got the role in Baseketball, South Park's recent 25th anniversary, and the high and lows of Hollywood. Follow him @DianBachar @JesseDraham @JoeGariffo
All good things must eventually come to an end. I thank you from the very depths of my heart for this wonderful journey! I am so excited to be teaching my first online course! Learn more and sign up below! https://www.eeglearn.com/wwb There are so many contradictory ideas about what it means to be healthy. Diet culture and the weight-loss industry will have you believing that you need to work out every day and restrict your calorie intake in order to be the best version of yourself. In this course, we cover topics such as why diets ultimately don't work, how fat phobia has impacted our society, how to become an intuitive eater, and how to avoid falling into dieting and eating disorder traps that society has set up for us. This course is for you if you: -are burnt out from trying diet after diet -are a parent who wants to make sure diet culture isn't harming your child -are a therapist who is looking for continuing education credits (CEUs) -are a mental health provider who works with people with eating disorders You have two course options to choose from: A 3-Session Pathway and a 4-Session Pathway. Both includes three general lectures on the topics above. The 4-Session pathway is designed for existing neurofeedback providers. Details about each pathway can be found below. General Sessions September 22, September 29, and October 6, 2022 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM ET Additional Neurofeedback Session This session is designed for existing Nuro feedback providers to take what they learned in the first three sessions and apply it to their clinical work. We will discuss, in-depth, the theory and progression of working with clients and eating issues or disorders using neurofeedback. We will go over common qEEG findings and specific protocols. October 10, 2022 4:00PM - 6:00 PM ET This course entitles you to 6 or 8 CE credit hours if you purchase the CE add-on. You will be offered the add-on product when checking out. The number of CEs available will depend on whether you choose to sign up for the fourth session. Early bird prices are valid: August 19, 2022 to September 9, 2022
LA ESTRELLA EMERGENTE MEXICANA, VALERIA SCOLARI, SIGUE DEJANDO SU MARCA CON NUEVO SENCILLO“CAMBIO NUESTRO DESTINO”Luego de debutar con su impresionante sencillo “Mira Loco” y causar sensación este verano con su encantador sencillo “Cicatrices”, la estrella en ascenso mexicana Valeria Scolari continúa brillando como uno de los talentos más sensacionales de la música latina. Hoy, la artista regresa para deleitar a sus fanáticos con su más reciente sencillo “Cambió Nuestro Destino”.Con este nuevo lanzamiento, Scolari cambia un poco de dirección, optando por una melodía más relajada que las de sus dos primeros sencillos y manteniendo el sonido pop con toques de R&B y hip-hop con el que se ha ganado miles de fanáticos en todo el mundo. “Cambió Nuestro Destino” es una historia poderosa en la que la cantante, compositora y guitarrista autodidacta muestra su mayor vulnerabilidad al explorar sentimientos de desamor y anhelar el amor que alguna vez tuvimos. Con su voz etérea y su talento innato para escribir canciones sorprendentemente crudas, Scolari nos abre su corazón para revelar un pozo de emociones profundas en el que los oyentes se perderán, toda vez que proporciona una sensación de calma a aquellos que atraviesan una situación similar.El video oficial, disponible desde hoy para que los fanáticos lo disfruten en YouTube, es una hermosa representación de la historia que Scolari narra en la canción. Filmado en Guadalajara, el video contó con la organización de Joe Acevedo de Mastered Trax, luego de que la artista fuera invitada a la quinta edición del famoso Urbano Fest de la leyenda del hip-hop C-Kan.Nacida en San Diego y criada entre esta ciudad y Tijuana, Valeria Scolari cuenta con pocos sencillos en su haber, sin embargo, ya ha dejado una huella imborrable en la música latina actual, al cobrarse los elogios de Telemundo 49 El Paso que la consideró “Una Promesa Musical”. Asimismo, ha llamado la atención de los principales medios, como Latin Plug, que catalogó su primer sencillo como “extraordinario”, y Latinos Unidos. Actualmente, trabaja con el sello de C-Kan, Mastered Trax, que distribuye música de la mano de EMPIRE.Para conocer más sobre Valeria visita:https://www.instagram.com/valeriascolari/Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/jayaustriaphoto/donations
When people hurt us or wrong us, we often automatically assume that the problem is us. We find ourselves asking "Why don't people like me?" or "What's wrong with me?" or "What did I ever do to them?" Developing the ability to depersonalize others' actions and realize that the things people do often have very little to do with you can be life changing. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma You can also check out Alyssa at www.alyssascolari.com Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari, and I hope everybody is off to a good week. I am doing pretty well. I have been keeping up with my reading, which honestly has been helping me get through some difficult times. I just finished a book called The People We Meet on Vacation. Honestly, I do not recommend, unless you love a good rom-com, then you might like it. I just don't think that I'm a romantic comedy kind of gal, I didn't like it at all. I really expected it to be a little bit better in terms of like... The book is kind of like flashbacks of these friends who are on vacation in different parts of the world, and I just thought that I was going to get to feel like I was traveling with them, and that we were going to travel across the world with this book. But honestly, so much of it was just about sexual tension, and I swear to the lord almighty, if I had to read one more sentence about how he gently and softly swept a damp curl from her face and tucked it oh so softly behind her ear, I will vomit. It's just not me. It's just not me. No offense to the author. The writing is good, the wit is great, there were a few moments where I chuckled out loud, and I think that if you love romantic comedies, it's perhaps good, I was just not impressed. So I'm looking forward to my next book, which is going to be The Guest List by Lucy Foley. We will see. This one is, I think has murder in it, which I'm already much more inclined to like, and at the end of the day, I just don't think anything is going to top Where the Crawdads Sing. I'm almost sad that I've read it and that it's over, because I feel like there is no book that is going to top that. I'm sure that's not true, but right now my brain is still in Kya's world, and yeah, I just wasn't ready to leave that world. So anyway, I digress. I hope you're having a awesome, awesome week so far, let's get into it today. So, we are going to talk about kind of a somewhat difficult truth, and this is a truth that I have had to grapple with a lot over the course of my life, especially lately, and the truth of the matter is that not everything is about you. And I know that that can come off as harsh, and I probably shouldn't say it that harsh, because I have had people quite literally say that to me when I was a child, and it was really actually painful to hear, because I wasn't trying to make everything about me, I just was desperate for attention and help of some sort, so I shouldn't say it like that, right? It's not necessarily that not everything is about you. The nicer reframe for that is that you don't always have to take things so personally, because truly so many things that happen are not personal. And this is a really hard concept for so many of us, especially trauma survivors, because our brains are wired for protection. So our brains are always trying to seek out a threat, and we are trying to eliminate any potential threats before we end up getting really hurt. So when something happens, we just assume that that person meant it intentionally, or we just assume that that person hates us, and we assume that the problem is us. And we ask ourselves, "Why me? Why does this happen to me?" And that's us taking things really personally and assuming that people's behaviors are a reflection of who we are, and that is simply not true, and it really is one of the hardest things to unlearn. I mean, at least for me. I have had to grapple so much with this idea that people's actions and their behaviors and the things that they say are not about me, right? And let's talk about a couple examples, and I have a lot of personal examples about this, so I'm going to go to my personal examples. So for one, and this might seem kind of simple, but going to the doctors, right? As a fat person, going to the doctors is always a really stressful experience, because they almost always say something about my weight, unsolicited. And so I've gotten to a place where going to the doctors has become kind of like a anxiety-provoking thing for me, and I had a doctor's appointment just to get literally some vaccines, where I wasn't even going to be weighed, and I was driving there and I could feel my heart just pounding in my chest, and I'm like, "Man, what do I do about this?" And so I'm trying to talk myself through it and reframe like, "These doctors' comments to me about my weight is not about me. It is literally not about me." And you're like, "What do you mean? They're literally telling you to lose weight, it has to be about you." It is so not. It is about their own fatphobia, their own misunderstandings, or lack of being up to date about what actually makes somebody healthy, right? Because again, you can kind of look at my blood work and you can see everything looks great, and then you can just look at my body or the number on the scale and say, "Oh, well, you must be unhealthy." No, there are really no indicators that I'm not healthy. So this is about the diet culture, this is about the fatphobia in the medical system, this is about doctors not knowing, or really understanding, or really caring to learn about the Health at Every Size movement, it's not about me in the slightest. And so when I think about that, it helps me to shift my narrative from like, "Oh, I'm this, I'm that, I'm a bad person. Doctors don't like me, they don't want to work with me," or "They think I'm this, they think I'm that." They actually aren't thinking at all, really. They're doing exactly what their training has told them, which is "We see this number on the scale, we don't like this number, and we need to address it." That is literally what their training is, it's what their training has told them to do, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. And so reframing it like that has helped me to depersonalize it to the point where now I will go into a doctor's office and I will be like, "Hey, not getting weighed, and no, I'm not going to tell you what my weight is, unless I'm here specifically for my weight, or unless you need to know it for some medical reason, I'm not letting you know." And also I happen to have found a doctor at this point, at least a primary care doctor, who is amazing and totally, totally gets it. So that's just one example, right? People's behaviors are not a reflection of you, and I think that this is really important to remember with family members as well, right? Many of you know, I no longer have any contact with my family. It is not, and most likely is never going to work out with my family, unfortunately. And I have had to grapple a lot with the past, and with trying to understand certain behaviors and certain situations, but every time, when I'm in therapy or when I'm thinking by myself, my therapist will remind me so that I'm able to remind myself, "Their behaviors were never about you. Their actions are never... They were never about you." They were about X, Y, and Z things that quite frankly, I'm just not ready to share at this point. But let's say you have a family that you don't get along with, or you have childhood trauma and your family members were your abusers, and let's say you have parents who gaslight you, and when you try to talk to them about certain things that happened, your parents say, "That never happened, I don't know what you're talking about," or they say things like, "I thought you had a great childhood," or they try to guilt-trip you and say things like, "Oh, I guess I'm just such a horrible parent," very sarcastically. Let's say you have a parent like that, it can be really, really confusing and difficult for you to try to figure out what the truth is, because you have certain feelings and certain memories, but then somebody else who was there is also telling you something completely different, and so you are left feeling very confused and a little bit chaotic because you know what you remember, and it's very painful to not only be invalidated, but to have people tell you that your memories are wrong. And so it's really helpful in these moments to remember, again, it's not about you. People might tell you that your memories are wrong because they don't want to face it themselves. People might invalidate you because they don't want to have those feelings. They are running from feelings themselves. Some families will invalidate people or gaslight people, or say that things never happened so that they can keep their own secrets, so that they can maintain the appearance of normalcy and happiness and functionality. It has so little to do with you, truly. The same goes for, let's say you go to the grocery store to go grocery shopping, and you're checking out and your cashier is miserable. I had a cashier a few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store, and as I was almost finished, I had all these groceries in my cart, the cashier... Or actually the person comes on on the loudspeaker in the grocery store, and they're like, "Just so you know, our system is down and we're only taking cash right now." And so people were up in arms, because who carries that much cash on them? I feel like people rarely pay for groceries with cash anymore, certainly not me. So people were up in arms, people were leaving all their groceries and they're running out of the store, people are running to the ATM, people are screaming, yelling, and I actually didn't know it because I didn't hear it on the loudspeaker at the time. And so I wheel my cart up to the cashier and I'm standing in line, and she looks at me and she's like, "Hey, how are you?" And I was like, "I'm great, thank you, how are you?" As an aside, I was not great. I was having a terrible day, but I was like, "You know what? I'm going to be really nice." She was like, "You do know that it's cash only?" And I was like, "Just this lane, or everywhere?" And she was like, "Our system is down, we're not taking cards right now anywhere, so if you don't have cash, then you can't pay for these." And I was like, "Oh." She was like, "I don't know how you didn't hear that on the speaker earlier." And I was getting heated, let me tell you. Luckily there was a very kind man there who heard the way she was talking to me, and I don't even remember what he did, but he said something to kind of defuse the tension and I walked away, but I was fuming as I was walking away. And one of the things I had to keep saying to myself over and over and over again is "It is not about me. Her rudeness has nothing to do with me as a person, and I am not taking on that energy. That is hers to deal with. I am not absorbing that." And then I kind of do this visualization exercise where I picture myself almost turning into a rock, so that things will just bounce off me, so that I don't absorb it, because a lot of times I'm a sponge, so I got to turn into a rock. This happens even in stores when you're shopping, grocery shopping, whatever it may be. It also happens among friends or acquaintances, and I got hit with it hard a couple weeks ago, where I have this distant friend who's getting married and they... She has a shower that's coming up, and I am not going to be able to attend the shower, and so I wanted to send a gift. And so I of course did my due diligence and checked in with the maid of honor to make sure that I could reach out and ask for an address so that I can send this gift, and the maid of honor was like, "Yep, go right ahead, you can reach out," and so... Or maybe the maid of honor didn't say exactly that, but whatever the maid of honor said was pretty much like, "Yeah, go ahead." Like, "She knows, she knows about the shower." And so I just text her, and I just said like, "Hey, I'm not going to be able to make it to the shower, but I wanted to send you a gift. What is your address?" That is literally all of the information that I revealed. I didn't give anything away, nothing. Within like an hour or so, I get a text from one of this person's other friends, a person who used to be a friend of mine, but who I haven't talked to in years, and don't care to talk to, reached out to me and was like, "Don't say any more about what you're going to be doing and when, because this needs to be a surprise. We all want this to be a surprise and so does the bride," and it was just a passive-aggressive text message. And I was so hurt by it, because number one, I did my due diligence, I made sure that what I... I was very careful with what I said to not let anything slip. Number two, I don't understand, I texted one person, so why is it that that person that I texted felt the need to share my messages with somebody else, right? Obviously I know you're talking about me, obviously I know you have a problem with what I said, even though I don't know what I said, to the point where the person I texted, the bride, I asked for her address, she still hasn't gotten back to me. So I did something, I clearly did something, of which I don't frigging know, but this is exactly why I have chosen to cut ties with so many people in my life, because I don't put up with this bullshit, because it really got to me, and I started crying and I started saying to David, like, "I don't understand why people have to do this to me. I feel like people don't like me and I don't know what I did. I did everything I possibly could to not let the surprise out. I checked with the maid of honor. I just don't know, whatever." But I was taking it so personally until I sat down and I thought, and I was like, "You know what? This is actually who they are," because I've known these people for many, many years, and I've been around different groups and I've heard, they all talk shit about each other. Every time somebody so much as sneezes, somebody else knows about it. They all talk shit, they all gossip, they all look for something that somebody does wrong, and it just happened to be me. It just so happened to be me this time. I did something wrong, and instead of reaching out to me and saying, "Hey," I don't know, telling me what I did wrong, they're just going to ignore me or be passive-aggressive. Mind you, these are people that are way older than me. So it's just like, it's not about me. This is what they do. This is what they do for fun. They chew people up and spit them out for fun. And as soon as I was able to realize that, I felt so much better, and then I was able to just laugh it off and go, "Yep, this is what they do," and let it go, and didn't say anything, and realized, "You know what? I don't want friends like this, and we're done here." I also should say, I don't want that to sound like I have cut people off abruptly, because I haven't, and I don't recommend that. If you want to learn more about cutting people off versus talking to them and setting boundaries, you can look back in the previous episodes, but suffice it to say that these are people who I have decided just aren't good for me, and so these friendships are not going to go on. But it's not about me, it was never about me, and it was never about you either. How much angst and anger and frustration and tears do you think could have been saved if you remember that people's actions truly have nothing to do with you? How many tears, how many less tears would've been shed if you acknowledged that people, nine times out of 10, are just operating according to their own rules in life, and if those rules happen to hurt you, they're not really paying too much attention to that? They're not sitting up at night going, "How can I hurt this person's feelings?" They're just trying to make it through their lives, and that's not me saying that it's okay, it's not. But what I'm hoping that this does is try to take a lot of the pressure off of you to feel like you need to be better, like you did something wrong, like you need to change things. Listen, we all need work. We all need work, we all have things we have to change, but you don't need people to make you feel terrible, and you don't need to be personalizing people's actions in order to elicit change. People love to gossip, they live on it. People love to talk about other people because it makes them feel better. Families love to keep their secrets, because if we keep our secrets, then we maintain the system, then we don't have to deal with the pain and the feelings. Rude people out there exist because they're having bad days, and they project all over the world, and very little of it is personal. And the moment that you realize this and can continue to tell yourself this, that's the moment that dealing with people and being in relationships with people, friendships with people, becomes so much more manageable. I love you, I hope you have a wonderful week, and I will be holding you in the light. Thanks for listening, everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma, and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks, so please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support.
Shoplifting and stealing are typically thought of as simple, yet shameful crimes. However, these seemingly simple crimes can be more complex than meets the eye. Tune into this week's episode to learn about the psychological components of shoplifting and stealing. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma You can also check out Alyssa at www.alyssascolari.com Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: What is up, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari, here with you today. We have also my dog Macy, who is chilling out with us, looking out the window in this little... I bought her this cat perch. So if you haven't been on my Instagram and you don't see pictures of Macy, she's a little seven-pound dog, and so she is super tiny and she loves to look out the window, so I bought her a cat perch. She's sitting behind me looking out the window on her little cat perch. And sometimes neighbors will walk by and she'll bark at them and they wave to her from the window. She's like the neighborhood watchdog. So that's where I'm at today. Alyssa Scolari [01:12]: It is Sunday when I am recording this and I have been having a pretty relaxing weekend. I'm feeling pretty antsy today, actually, and I have been reading this book, Where the Crawdads Sing, which I did not know this, but apparently is really trending right now and I understand why, because it is truly one of the best books I've ever read in my life. I am obsessed. I have not been able to put it down and I have like 60 pages left, and I am going to finish it today. I am so excited. It's been nice to be able to read in this ridiculously hot weather. Alyssa Scolari [01:58]: I don't know what the weather is like where you're at, but it is so hot here and it has been so hot with zero relief. Normally it gets really hot, but then you'll have thunderstorms at the end of the day and then things cool off for a little bit and the plants get a ton of water, but there has been no rain, no thunderstorms. It is just oppressive heat and humidity day after day, and it feels like... I honestly think that this is probably day eight or nine at least above 90 degrees Fahrenheit. It's so wild to me because people say global warming's not a thing, but I remember being little and watching the news and people were making such a big deal of three-day heat waves. So if there was going to be a day where it was going to be 90 degrees or above for three days, I think that's what they call a heat wave. I remember people making a huge deal about that being like, "Oh man, three days. This is so dangerous. People are going to have heat strokes and get really sick and suffer heat exhaustion." Alyssa Scolari [03:19]: I don't think anybody imagined back then, whatever it was, 25, 20 years ago that today in 2022, we would have heat waves that last for literally 9, 10 days with zero relief. It's unreal to me. Even my plants are all wilted. No matter how much water we give them, my plants are like, "Fuck this, I'm out." They all look like they're dying and I feel so bad. I have no clue what I can do. So yeah, it is hot as shit outside and I'm over it. I like the summer, but come on. I need at least a thunderstorm. Give me a thunderstorm, because if not, I just have this heat and oppressive humidity. You walk outside and just start sweating. Alyssa Scolari [04:18]: Anyway, I digress. Today we are talking about shoplifting, which at first glance, you might be like, "Why are we talking about shoplifting on a trauma podcast?" And that is because they are related and they go hand-in-hand. Shoplifting or stealing and mental health are really closely related, and shoplifting, like borderline personality disorder that we did last week, is often stigmatized. And understandably so, right? It is a crime. It is against the frigging law to steal, but I think that this conversation today is going to pose an even greater question of how can we look at shoplifting a little bit differently and are we doing the right thing by simply finding these people or just locking them up? Is there something more that we could be doing to help these people? Because I have worked with a lot of people who have gotten in trouble for shoplifting. Alyssa Scolari [05:27]: Before I was in private practice and working for myself, I worked for a local police department and what one of my many jobs was at this police department was to help kids in the community to stay out of the juvenile justice system, so help basically rehabilitate them after they get into trouble. Now, as you can imagine, the majority of the kids that I saw usually got in trouble for some kind of theft or shoplifting, and it begs the question, why are these kids stealing? Because it's not just a fun pastime for these kids. These kids don't want to catch charges. They do not want to be caught up in the juvenile justice system. So what is going on with these kids? Alyssa Scolari [06:23]: Through a lot of my time, not just working with these kids through the police department, but also in going back in my own history, I have been able to put a lot of the pieces together as to what might be happening with so many of these people. And it's not just kids, it's also adults. And it's not just me. There are a lot of other professionals out there who have been exploring the other sides of shoplifting to try to understand what is truly going on. Now, of course we can assign poverty and lower socioeconomic statuses to stealing. I get it. It is impossible to live in today's age. It feels nearly impossible. So I totally understand that. Alyssa Scolari [07:19]: There's the poverty aspect, and then there's also other psychological aspects to it. It isn't just this simple act that we think it is. When we see people who steal, we write them off as bad people. Bad people. And again, yes, stealing is criminalized, but I don't know any one of us who have never broken the law. I don't know any one of us who have never broken the law in some way, shape or form. Alyssa Scolari [07:53]: If you've pulled out your phone to text while you're driving, if you've talked on the phone while you're driving, if you've never stopped or if you haven't stopped fully at a stop sign and you rolled through a stop sign, hey, you broke the law. If the speed limit is 65 miles an hour and you're going 66 miles an hour, hey, you broke the law. And for some reason, it's like we talk about when people break the law in vehicles or people are acting aggressive on the road and we talk about "Well, try to think of it differently. Try to think about that person who blew past the red light or is speeding. Maybe they have a loved one sick and dying in the hospital and they're rushing to get there." And so we try to reframe and find these ways to have compassion for people who are aggressive on the road. And I love that reframe. It's a great reframe. It helps. It helps those of us who are prone to road rage not be so ragey, but why can't we transfer this over to other crimes like stealing? Alyssa Scolari [09:00]: And I'm not talking about all crimes. I'm not saying that we need to have compassion for murderers, but I'm talking about like stealing. Why are there no reframes for that? Why is it that when we hear that somebody steals, we think that they should rot in jail or be fined or be shown a lesson and we want to send these kids to scared straight programs. Why aren't we looking at this any differently? Alyssa Scolari [09:27]: Luckily, I think that a lot of research is starting to look at shoplifting differently, and what we're finding is that it is a coping mechanism. It is a coping mechanism, just like addiction or gambling. It is something that can give people some sense of control, and it also can help them to numb out from problems or pain. And it also can be a cry for help. I wasn't a chronic stealer or anything. I have like two instances in my life where I remember stealing and both of them weren't from stores because I had too much anxiety for that. They were from other people. So one time I stole... I don't know if anybody remembers these candies, they're Warheads and they were really, really sour when you put them in your mouth and then they were super sweet. I'm talking about them now and I really want one. I need to go find them online and see if they still exist, because they were so amazing. But they were super, super sour when you put them in your mouth, and I remember stealing a few of these from, I cannot remember who, I just remember having them in my hand and looking down and kind of having this feeling of like, "Oh, I stole something." Alyssa Scolari [11:00]: At the time, I remember that feeling was like I didn't really even feel that guilty. I felt like I had a sense of control. I was really little. I was under, probably under seven years old. I was maybe five or six and I remember feeling like I finally had a sense of control over what was going on. I did this, I took this. This is mine. And that clearly is rooted in things that are so beyond the stealing itself. This is something that a lot of younger kids will do. They steal not because they're bad kids, and it's also not because they don't know right from wrong and it's not because we don't know consequences. We know that it's wrong, but what is more wrong are the empty feelings that we have inside of us or the chaotic feelings as a result of living in bad environments. Alyssa Scolari [12:09]: Kids who live in frantic, chaotic, and even sometimes violent and abusive households, they yearn for a sense of control. They desire a sense of control. And sometimes being able to steal something, being able to have something that is totally yours is a great way to feel like you're in control. It's a great way to feel like you're separate from your family for a little bit because you are the one who did this. You planned this, you did it, you have it, you succeeded. It is a great way to numb out from what is going on, regardless of the consequences. Kids aren't thinking about the consequences. Their brains are not developed enough. What kids are thinking of is, "Hey, how can I survive? And I know that I can survive if I find some sense of control," and sometimes that control lies within stealing. Alyssa Scolari [13:06]: And then I also stole something from my cousin. I stole a purse from my cousin when I was little. I cannot remember. I know I was under 10. Maybe I was like eight years old. We were at a Super Bowl party and I stole her purse from her. I totally got caught because what eight-year-old can hide a whole purse? And that, I felt horrible. I don't know if I really did it to have a sense of control, maybe I did, but I remember feeling so much guilt and I don't really even know why I did it. I remember being asked why I did it and I truly didn't know then and I don't totally know now, but looking back on it, I am pretty sure that I did it because I was just crying out for help. I was crying out for help. And that is also what shoplifting can be, a cry for help. I want somebody to catch me. I want to be noticed. I want to be seen. I want somebody to look at me and make me feel like I matter. Alyssa Scolari [14:25]: Kids and adults alike, sometimes when we go without this and we feel like we aren't seen or heard, we will make efforts to be seen and heard in any way possible, and that includes breaking the law. Now, luckily it was my family and everybody was super forgiving. I think, I assume so, because I still had a relationship with these people. I didn't steal from any stores, it was just people and it was awful. I gave it back and there was no harm, no foul, but still, it was terrible. It was terrible when I look back on it because I realize that I was in so much pain and so are many people who steal and shoplift. It's just a way to numb out, because in doing it, what happens? Alyssa Scolari [15:25]: Anybody who has stolen anything, I can imagine... I don't really remember feeling like this when I was little, but I can imagine that what you feel is an adrenaline rush. An adrenaline rush, anxiety and you're just so focused on not getting caught that you're not really thinking about anything else. Then when you get away with it, it's a dopamine hit for your brain. And it is very similar with shopping, buying things. When people are sad, they will spend money, call it retail therapy, and then they get it and they feel great for a few days or maybe a few weeks or maybe even a few minutes, depending on what you get, but that wears off and then you're left with those same chronic feelings of emptiness. This is very similar with shoplifting. You steal something and then you have this dopamine hit like, "Oh my gosh, I did it. I got away with it," and then all of a sudden that emptiness comes back and therefore you need to steal something again, so then you get that little dopamine hit in your brain again. Alyssa Scolari [16:37]: Sometimes all of this stealing can mount into a much more serious mental health disorder like kleptomania, which is where you just cannot resist the urge or the impulse to steal things, whether you need them or not. Just because it's there, you have to steal it. And sometimes that's what this can turn into. It still can be a cry for help. It still can be a reaction to psychological stress or trauma and that begs the question, are shoplifting charges good? Is that actually going to teach anybody anything, or do what we need to do instead is teach people better coping skills for how they can deal with their pain, or do we need to be looking at, if it's a child, do we need to be looking at what is going on in the home? Is there trauma? Is there abuse? Is there toxic stress on this child? Should we be checking off all of those boxes before we make the decision whether or not somebody's going to be charged with shoplifting? Alyssa Scolari [17:52]: I don't know. I don't have the answer. I know this is kind of tying into criminal justice reform, but here's the thing, even if you never got caught, that still doesn't mean that your shoplifting doesn't have a psychological impact or isn't rooted in psychological-based issues. It doesn't mean that you're not numbing out just because you've never been caught. If you have had a history of stealing or if you currently have a history of stealing, a lot of times people feel shame about it. And if you feel shame about it, this episode is really to help you put that shame aside and try to look at it from a different lens. Is it that you are a bad kid? Is it that you are a bad person or are you a person who is hurting and is coping by stealing? Alyssa Scolari [18:57]: Ultimately, I don't know the answer. That's something that you can only find within yourself, but I will say this, I have yet to meet a person, child or adult, who steals truly because they just love it as a sport. I have yet to meet somebody like that. Now, my sample size is biased because I see people that come to me for therapy so I'm sure people like that out there exist. In fact, I'm positive people out there like that exist, but those kind of people I don't think are listening to this podcast. So if you are listening to this podcast and you have a history of stealing, I think it begs the question, is there any kind of compassion that you can give yourself? And if you're still actively in your shoplifting or stealing phase, ask yourself what you need. What void is stealing trying to fill for you and how can you fill that void in a safer way? Alyssa Scolari [20:09]: I know for me, I never learned to fill the void, but I was lucky enough that shoplifting didn't become my addiction. Food, eating disorders became my vice, so I ended up filling that void in another way, but a dangerous way as well, but one that was more dangerous to me. So be careful not to fill, not to replace one vice with another vice. What do you need that is going to be healthy for you and the environment around you? I love you. I hope you have a good week and I will be holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari [20:58]: Thanks for listening, everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you and we appreciate your support. [singing]
Hoy cierro el ciclo de entrevistas sobre la “Adicción a las pantallas” con la entrevista a Carlos Scolari, una eminencia en el campo de los medios digitales. Carlos Scolari es argentino radicado en Barcelona hace más de veinte años. Es catedrático de la Universitat Pompeu Fabra, doctor en lingüística y con múltiples publicaciones en el tema. ¿Cómo es la relación entre los usuarios y las redes sociales? ¿cuánta dependencia tenemos y es tan desolador el panorama? ¿Qué tienen en común los casinos de Las Vegas y las pantallas? Te vas a sorprender, porque escuchar a Carlos Scolari es un alivio, con su visión positiva y realista. Mal que mal, vivimos sumergidos en lo digital y debemos aprender a hacerlo con prudencia, sin ser unos meros facilitadores para las empresas otorgándoles los datos privados. Scolari considera que es difícil mantener las categorías decimonónicas entre lo público y lo privado, una línea cada vez más difusa. Pues él mismo lo enuncia: "Estamos todos participando de una gran fiesta de la construcción de nuestra identidad en las redes sociales". Conversamos sobre la democracia y el algoritmo, y si efectivamente es una especie de fuerza desconocida que se apropia de nosotros. De acuerdo a Scolari, son los usuarios los que lo alimentan. ¿Cómo? Muy sencillo. Si alguien sube muchas fotos en la playa, el algoritmo lo leerá y te mostrará anuncios vinculados a ella. Te invito a escuchar esta entrevista que sin duda me dejó pensando y más alerta. Quizás tomando menos selfies... --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/karencodner/message
Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is arguably the most misunderstood and widely stigmatized mental health disorder. Alyssa is here this week to set the record straight on what this disorder looks like, how it is related to trauma, and why we need to fight the stigma. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma You can also check out Alyssa at www.alyssascolari.com Transcripts: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of The Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari. Alyssa Scolari [00:32]: Welcome back, settle in because we have another good episode for you today. I am trying to get settled in as well, trying to get ready to chat with you all about borderline personality disorder, but I hope that everybody is enjoying their summer. I feel like we're at that point in the summer where everything just flies by and make the most of it because I'm already hearing talk about fantasy football and I'm like, "Oh God already, please no." Now summer's not my favorite season by any stretch. I don't love the heat, but I'm also just not quite ready to talk about fall football and all things pumpkin spice flavored. I'm just not, I'm not ready for that at all. So just hold on to every second because summer is flying. Alyssa Scolari [01:34]: I feel like I've been working so much this summer and it's really just on a lot of like future things. I have a really exciting project that I am going to announce in just a few short weeks that we'll be launching in the fall. And then I've just been working on my website stuff and client stuff, and kind of mapping out the future of where I want my practice to go on the podcast. So I feel like it's just been a summer where I've been so busy, and when I'm not busy with work, I have been really busy with EMDR. As many of you know, I'm going through that process. And I know I've said in the past that it has been kicking my butt, but man, I mean it more than ever, I feel like I'm now really in the depths of it, of just going through my memories chronologically and reprocessing them. Alyssa Scolari [02:32]: And I think particularly the last week or so has been really, really difficult. My brain is, and this is what is to be expected, honestly, this just means that I'm doing it right. I mean, if you can do EMDR, right. But this is really what's been happening it feels like my brain is on fire and I'm hypersensitive to everything. So even more so than I was before, every noise, every sound, I'm almost overly reading people's emotions and their facial responses. And this is something that I used to do when I was little because I had a person in my life who was really hot and cold. I never knew what version of them that I was going to get. And so I find that I'm like that even more right now, as I'm reprocessing everything, Alyssa Scolari [03:28]: I'm looking at people like, who are you today? Are you safe today? Are you going to hurt me today? And none of that is even about the present, right? Because I don't have people in my life that are going to hurt me. So I'm really just kind of, not I'm disassociated, or maybe emotional flashbacks. And I'm also having a lot of new memories surface. In the car yesterday we were driving, something was said. And of course, what was said was harmless, but whatever, it did trigger something in me. And then I started having new memories and the memories were auditory. So I could hear things. And it was one of those just really bad PTSD episodes/attacks is what it feels like, where I'm just like, I almost want to put my hands over my ears to stop what I hear, but that's not going to work because the flashbacks are just, it's my brain. Alyssa Scolari [04:33]: And I found myself in EMDR this week while I was reprocessing a memory feeling so much dread because there's so much, I don't remember, but I know is in there. And I found myself almost feeling like, "Oh, this is a movie I don't want to watch." Almost like I was watching a horror movie. I hate horror movies and I will cover my eyes because I'm very scared of them. I have enough anxiety. I don't need a movie to give me more anxiety. So I will always put my hands over my face when I'm watching a horror movie. And this is what that felt like I wanted to just stop and I didn't want to see the rest of the movie. Alyssa Scolari [05:24]: But the movie is reality and there was just so much grief that came with it. And there was a lot of self-compassion, which I think is pretty new for me. I'm not used to having a lot of compassion. I'm used to intellectualizing things and I'm used to finding ways where I was at fault for what happened, but I'm just really developing a lot of compassion for myself. And it's been a beautiful, painful, agonizing thing. And it's also been exhausting. Alyssa Scolari [06:05]: So I'm definitely a little withdrawn. I'm a little isolated and it's really to protect myself. I don't even think it's a bad thing. I think that it's probably best right now if I don't have a ton of contact because I'm already so depleted from this process. So it's taking me a while to respond to people. And really all I want to do is read books because I get to escape that way and play really nontriggering video games and cook good food and do some really slow yoga. Alyssa Scolari [06:45]: That is kind of where I'm at. I'm at how can I do the bare minimum? And I think that's okay. I'm okay with that. I'm okay. I'm okay with that. You know, I say maybe I'm trying to convince myself I'm okay with it because I'm one of those over-functioners, so it is a little bit hard for me to be still in my grief, but I'm doing my best to just let it wash over me. And it is, and it's so random, right? Alyssa Scolari [07:16]: Sitting in the car yesterday, this was a completely separate incident. We're in the car. My husband runs into the store to grab something. I stay in the car and when he comes back in five minutes, I'm sobbing. I am hysterically crying and shaking. And he was like, "What is wrong?" And it was just like I got hit with this wave of grief. Alyssa Scolari [07:39]: And I have to say, I'm really proud of myself because I'm not running from it anymore. And normally I would run from it. I would pick up my phone and maybe go on social media to try to distract from feelings or turn on the radio. And, and I did for a second, I turned on the radio when I felt all those feelings creeping in. And I was like, "Nah, let me listen to music. I don't want to feel this." And then I was just like, "Alyssa, you don't have to run from this. It's not going to kill you." I actually said that out loud to myself and I just let the tears come and I sobbed and it moved through me and then I was able to manage the rest of the day. Alyssa Scolari [08:27]: So I'm hanging in there. This is, I think, one of the best things I've ever done for myself, as hard as it is I know it's exactly where I need to be right now. So I am so proud of myself for all of the work that I am doing. I'm just so proud. I'm really proud that's all I can say. I've worked so hard and it's going to make me a happier human being and it's going to make me an even better therapist and yeah, yeah. That's where I'm at. So that being said, we will close up the corner on my life updates and now let's just dive into what we're talking about today because we're talking about borderline personality disorder. Alyssa Scolari [09:16]: It's also often referred to as BPD, and maybe you have been diagnosed with this and if you haven't been diagnosed with it, then I'm sure you've heard of it because it's one of, well, I think it's the most highly stigmatized of the mental health disorders in existence to the point where a lot of therapists refuse to work with somebody if they even utter the words BPD or the acronym BPD or the words borderline personality disorder, not every therapist, but a lot of therapists. Alyssa Scolari [09:51]: And I can even recall so much stigmatization when I was learning about it, even as a grad school student. So the stigma is quite literally in the system, right? I was taught the stigma. I was taught to believe the stigma when I was a grad school student. And, I definitely had, again, not every professor. I had amazing professors where I went to school, but I did have one professor who I specifically remember was like, "You are going to really have a hard time ever having successful treatment with somebody who has this kind of disorder." And quite honestly, I know now that is not true. And I wish I could go back and tell that professor that they were just projecting their own frustrations. Perhaps they've been diagnosed with this disorder, or perhaps they worked with people in their practice who were diagnosed with this disorder and didn't have a good outcome, but I will continue to talk about that a little bit. Alyssa Scolari [10:53]: But first, you might notice the term personality disorder, right? And it's like, "What does that mean?" Because it's much more clear what anxiety disorders and depressive disorders are, but what does it mean to have a personality disorder? Basically, there are personality disorders, and then there's everything else. That's kind of how it's separated in the DSM, which is the book that has all of the mental health diagnoses. Alyssa Scolari [11:23]: What makes a personality disorder different is that this is thought to be like a lifelong long-term pattern of behaviors that cause distress and dysfunction. This person's behaviors deviate outside of the cultural norm and it's typically something that starts either in adolescence or very early adulthood. And it's kind of thought that personality disorders are much more difficult to treat because these patterns of behavior are much more inflexible. It's just deeply rooted in who somebody is. Alyssa Scolari [12:06]: So that is what kind of separates personality disorders versus mood disorders, anxiety disorders, what have you. Now borderline personality disorders specifically, because there are a few, right? Borderline's not the only one there's, narcissistic personality disorder, there's an obsessive-compulsive person of personality disorder, and OCD, basically obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, which this is just an interesting little fact is having OCD but not seeing a problem with the OCD and therefore not wanting to change. That is one of the biggest differences between somebody who has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder versus obsessive-compulsive disorder. So I find that very interesting and I don't know if I buy into that totally because I have people who technically meet the criteria for OCD or for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, right? They have OCD tendencies but they don't really see a problem and don't want to fix it, but it's not really causing a whole lot of distress. Alyssa Scolari [13:23]: I don't know. I don't know. That's a topic for another time. We'll talk about it later. I have to give it some more thought, but going back to BPD. So BPD is basically characterized by having to meet at least five of the following requirements. So first we have chronic feelings of emptiness, and then there's emotional instability in the way that you react to regular day-to-day events, maybe having major episodes of sadness or rage or severe anxiety. Next is frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. So you spend so much of your time trying to avoid feeling any feelings of possible abandonment, a disturbance in your identity or an unstable sense of self or an unstable self-image. Alyssa Scolari [14:26]: There's impulsive behavior in at least two areas that could be self-damaging. So this can include substance abuse, driving recklessly, binge eating, and having risky sex. I'm not, not just having sex, but, risky sex, maybe sex with multiple partners or having sex a lot with no protection. Spending lots of money. So if you're just living paycheck to paycheck, or maybe you're gathering a bunch of credit card debt, those kinds of impulsive behaviors. Alyssa Scolari [15:02]: Intense anger, anger that is so intense that it doesn't necessarily match the situation at hand or issues with controlling your anger, explosive anger, getting into fights a lot, whether physical or verbal. Having unstable interpersonal relationships. So unstable relationships with the people in your life. Difficulty keeping friendships. Difficulty with family members, difficulty with maintaining healthy relationships. Suicidal behavior, suicidal gestures, self-harming, threats, threats of suicide, and usually severe dissociative symptoms. So dissociation is a form of disconnection. It's a form of almost checking out mentally so that you don't have to be present. Alyssa Scolari [16:02]: Dissociation is typically a trauma response. And I know we talked about this a few episodes ago, how sometimes dissociation can be a healthy thing in very moderate amounts, but this is more like dissociative symptoms as a reaction to trauma, or as a reaction to something, some kind of intense situation. Alyssa Scolari [16:26]: Another thing that I think ties into all of that is folks who have borderline personality disorder will often engage in something called splitting. And basically what that means is you see the world in a very black and white manner. So it's things are kind of all or nothing. People are either amazing or they're absolutely horrible devils. An experience you had was either the best thing you've ever experienced in your entire life, or it was so bad it was absolutely the worst ever. And so there's really just no middle ground for people who experience borderline personality disorder. Alyssa Scolari [17:06]: So all of those symptoms that I just read off to you, right? You have to meet five of them in order to meet the criteria to be diagnosed with this disorder. Now, if you meet these criteria for two weeks, and then you no longer meet this criteria, you don't have borderline personality disorder. This is a pattern of behavior that stretches over a long period of time, if not lifelong. So in fact, borderline personality disorder and all of the personality disorders, you typically can't get diagnosed with one of them until you're about 18 years old because your personality is still developing. I kind of think that's a little bit of bullshit and I think that it should be at least 25 years old until you're diagnosed with a personality disorder because our brains haven't even fully developed until that age. So when you're diagnosing somebody at 18 years old with a personality disorder, know their brains aren't even fully developed. Alyssa Scolari [18:15]: So how do you know? How, how do you know, right? The criteria for BPD is, one of them is, impulsivity. Well, guess what? At 18 years old, your prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed and your prefrontal cortex is what governs impulsivity. It's what helps stop impulsivity. So I sort of feel like it's stupid, but what do I know? I'm just a low old therapist over here. But here is where I start to get really worked up about borderline personality disorder and it is because of the stigma. Alyssa Scolari [18:52]: You can Google this any day of the week and you will find several articles about how borderline personality disorder is one of the most stigmatized, misunderstood, mental health disorders in the profession. And it isn't just misunderstood among doctors and regular society. It is misunderstood by therapists and it is a diagnosis that is handed to people, very haphazardly by therapists and professionals who truly don't know much about this disorder at all. Alyssa Scolari [19:35]: And it infuriates me. And this has been my experience with BPD. So I'll talk a little bit about the stigma, just that I've experienced through my own journey of health. Alyssa Scolari [19:47]: So when I first started out in an eating disorder treatment center, I met with a psychiatrist. I met with him probably for 20 minutes, and it was my first time ever meeting with a psychiatrist. And he asked me a few things. And then he looked at me, he didn't make eye contact with me the entire time we were talking. And then at the end, he looked at me and he went, "You have borderline personality disorder and you need to be on this, this, and this medication. And do you have any questions?" Now I had no clue what he was talking about. I had loosely heard of the term, but I don't even think I was in grad school yet, or maybe I had just started grad school. So I really didn't know much at all. Alyssa Scolari [20:44]: So I kind of was labeled that. He didn't know me. He had no clue about my history of trauma. He was just like, "Oh, okay. This is what you have." And I didn't know then the stigma of that disorder. And honestly, I had just kind of forgotten about it. I hated where I went to treatment. So I just got through it. I kind of wrote the whole place off. Looking back at that now it infuriates me that somebody could talk to you for 20 minutes and give you a personality disorder. You have no clue what that person's patterns are, their behaviors. How could you diagnose somebody with that after 20 minutes? Alyssa Scolari [21:37]: But I do remember that there was one instance where I was with one of the employees who worked at this place and this person was talking about borderline personality disorder and this person said, very matter of fact, "There's no treatment for it. You can't get better. All you can really do is manage it. You'll have this forever. And it's really hard to ever have any kind of good relationships with this disorder." And she's just said it very flat. And so I remember thinking like, "Oh my God, if I really do have this, I'm going to be alone forever. I'm never going to be in a marriage. I'm never going to have friends. Holy crap, this is awful." And I kind of almost, not made it a self-fulfilling prophecy, because that didn't really happen for me. I was able to sort of see over time that was such a horrible thing and a very hurtful thing that she said, but it really brought me down. And it really made me question my future for a while. Alyssa Scolari [22:54]: So moving on, then eventually I graduate from treatment and I find a regular outpatient therapist and I am going to see her and I like her, and she's cool. And about a few months in, this therapist, I noticed, starts talking more about herself than me. And she talks about the other people that she sees and doesn't give me specifics but tells me way more than is actually appropriate. And she works with sex offenders and she's talking to me about them and how a lot of people can't do the work that she does. And then she goes, "But at least I don't have to work with the borderlines because as you'll see in grad school, they're a nightmare." And I was horrified that a therapist could say that about humans, absolutely horrified. First of all, the borderlines, like so nasty, just that language. It was awful. Alyssa Scolari [24:10]: So eventually I fell away from that therapist and I found myself with another therapist and this therapist and I had spoken extensively about the diagnosis of BPD. And this therapist had sort of like told me, "Yeah, I really don't see that in you. You really don't have any of that." And I was kind of like relieved because there was so much stigma that was surrounding this diagnosis, that it almost became this game of how can I not have this disorder as opposed to how can I fix my trauma? And so this therapist was like, "Yeah, you really don't have that." And one day I went in for my appointment and the person who was ahead of me, there was like a little waiting room, and the person who was ahead of me opened up the door, stormed out and slammed the door. Alyssa Scolari [25:17]: And my therapist at the time came out and pointed at that person and went, now that is a borderline, a borderline, first of all, like the level of inappropriateness, it makes my skin crawl. And then we kind of talked about it a little bit. And she was talking about how people who have borderline personality disorder are super treatment-resistant and they always fail in therapy. And they always drop out because they can't respect anybody's boundaries. And they're highly manipulative. And I really looked up to this therapist. So I'm just like, "Oh, oh, okay, I guess that's how people are then." So you can kind of see here this pattern, even from my own experiences, of hearing people talk about borderline, like they're the worst people on the face of the planet. First of all, they're people with borderline personality disorder, they're not borderlines. Alyssa Scolari [26:20]: And for people to talk about them like, "Oh, they never do well in treatment." It's such bullshit. And over time I had new therapists who really helped me see folks who have borderline personality disorder in a totally different light, right? I had different therapists. I had a supervisor, all of whom have been fantastic and who have truly helped me understand that this diagnosis is not something to be afraid of. Alyssa Scolari [26:56]: There are therapists that will outright reject people who have that diagnosis. Therapists will still talk about people with that diagnosis saying that they're impossible to treat. They are not impossible to treat. And as I've learned, I actually really enjoy working with people who have borderline personality disorder. People who have BPD are not fucking evil. And if you've ever been made to feel like you are, I am so sorry. And I am here to tell you that is fucked up and that is not about you. That is about your therapist's own projections of their own issues. If it was your therapist who said that, or who made you feel like that? Alyssa Scolari [27:43]: If you go back and you look at the diagnosis, the symptoms for BPD, so many of them, in fact, all of them can also be symptoms of complex trauma, hello. People who have BPD do not have issues with their brain. They have been fucking horribly traumatized. How can you expect somebody, right people, therapists love to say, "Ah, people with BPG they don't know any boundaries and they'll, they'll manipulate you all day." How could you expect somebody to know what boundaries look like if their whole childhood was full of their boundaries, being violated. If somebody comes into therapy and their whole lives, they've had to use manipulation as a tactic to get their needs met. Why would you think for two seconds that they won't try to manipulate you? Alyssa Scolari [28:49]: Manipulation in itself is not evil and we need to stop treating it like it is. People come to therapy with the same patterns and behaviors that they learned from their trauma. And if you want to call it a personality disorder, go right ahead. But I, for one, just feel like using that, almost just as "Hey, you're fucked up." Now don't get me wrong. For some people having this diagnosis is hugely validating. And for those folks, I'm like, "Yes, do it." If it's validating, then it's validating. And that's great. But for people who have battled with being diagnosed with this disorder over and over again and stigmatized as a result of it, if it doesn't feel like it fits you, it's okay to let that go. You don't have to say, "Oh, I have BPD, Oh I have BPD. This is going to be the rest of my life. I'm going to struggle for the rest of my life." No, you're fucking not. No, you're fucking not. Alyssa Scolari [29:55]: It infuriates me, as you can tell, because I have worked with people with BPD and I have watched them recover to the point where they don't meet the criteria for that disorder anymore. BPD is a result so often of complex trauma. And if we start treating the trauma, right, there's a treatment for borderline personality disorder. It's called DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. And it's really something that was created for people with borderline personality disorder. And it's great. It teaches so many wonderful skills. If we use that and we treat the trauma that is underneath it, I have seen people that no longer meet the criteria for that diagnosis. And more importantly, I have seen people that are successful and live happy and healthy lives, and they can be self-harm free and they no longer feel suicidal. And they are in functioning relationships. It doesn't mean all their problems have gone away. Absolutely not, but it can happen. Alyssa Scolari [31:08]: There is so much hope if you have BPD. And again, if you've ever been made to feel like your mental health is hopeless because of this diagnosis. I'm so sorry. And that is part of why I wanted to talk about this today is because I wanted to fight the stigma because this stigma, I've experienced the stigma firsthand, I've been thrown out that diagnosis. And what I know now about myself is no, I don't have BPD. I have trauma. I have a crap load of complex trauma that I have been working through. And I have gotten to a place where it's just like, yeah, no. For me, that diagnosis felt more harmful than validating and I think that's because I'm so acutely aware of the stigma. Alyssa Scolari [32:04]: Now, again, if this is something that feels good for you, if it helps you to have this diagnosis, please don't let me talk you out of that. Because despite the stigma that I'm talking about for every bad therapist out there, there are a million great therapists who would never stigmatize people. And there are a million people out there who have this diagnosis and have found it super validating and helpful. Alyssa Scolari [32:34]: But I've also talked with plenty of people who have had this diagnosis used against them, haphazardly given to them. I've had 10-year-olds that have come to me and told me that previous therapists have given them a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Their parents come to me in disarray, frantic about what this is going to mean for the future of their child. And it's just not like that. There is hope. There is hope. No matter how you feel about the diagnosis, there is, there is hope. And that's my message today. You have hope. I believe in you. I know you can do it. I love you. And I am holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari [33:19]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter it is @lightafterpod. Alyssa Scolari [33:36]: Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over again. That's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you. And we appreciate your support.
Everyone's journey to heal looks a little bit different, but it is important to have a general knowledge of what to expect as well as the beauty that comes from putting in the hard work. Alyssa pulls from both her experience as a trauma therapist and her personal experience with recovering from an eating disorder and complex PTSD to discuss patterns she has noticed as we move along in our healing journeys. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma You can also check out Alyssa at www.alyssascolari.com Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey friends. What's up? Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari, and we are going to get right into it today. So, this episode topic was actually Dave's idea. So if you don't like it, blame Dave. No, I'm kidding. But seriously, it was his idea, and it's something that I have been wanting to do for a while. And it's like, I guess I struggled with it because I feel like everybody's healing journey is different. Alyssa Scolari [01:04]: With that being said, I think through my experience as a therapist and through my own healing journeys and through having friends, and other colleagues in the field who have gone through their own healing journeys, I notice very similar patterns throughout the journey, and I wanted to talk about those today. Right? Because I think that a lot of people assume when they sign up for ... not when they sign up, but if you decide that you want to start healing, whether it's from your eating disorder or trauma or addiction, right, I think that people have this idea that when they start therapy, and this is me assuming that this is like you going to a standard once a week therapist. Right? I think people assume that when you start therapy, it only can get better from the moment you start. Alyssa Scolari [02:05]: Like once you make that decision to begin your healing process, a lot of people have this idea that it's like, "Well, things are only going to get better." And unfortunately not to burst anybody's bubble, I don't see that it works like that. It certainly didn't work like that for me. And for a lot of folks that I know, and that I have worked with who have complex trauma, that definitely has not been the case. Now, if somebody is coming in with standard PTSD, right, there's been a singular incident in which they are struggling. Yes, that certainly can be the case once you start therapy, things can get better. But what I'm talking about here is healing from complex trauma. And that process does not look like, "Oh, I started therapy and now I feel so much better." It is much, much different. Right? Alyssa Scolari [03:07]: And because a lot of people will ask us, "Well, you've been in therapy for three months, don't you feel better?" And I think those of us that perhaps live with people who don't understand complex trauma or who don't get how therapy works, we have people say things to us like, I know my mom used to say this to me, not all the time, but every once in a while, she'd be like, "Do you feel like your therapist is helping at all?" And it's just like, "I don't know how to answer that because it's not that my therapist wasn't helping, it's just that there's so much that it's hard to know, three months into therapy, if anything is helping." And that's just not what people expect. People look at it very similar to maybe going to a doctor. Right? "Well, you've been seeing this doctor for three weeks, so why hasn't your arthritis flare gone down or whatever the heck it may be?" Alyssa Scolari [04:08]: So I'm here to get pretty real and raw with you about what the healing journey actually looks like. And also just what it has looked like for me and where I'm at right now. I believe that healing is lifelong. And with that said, though, I don't believe that your suffering is lifelong. I think there is certainly happiness to be found, even if you aren't a 100% healed, because honestly, can any of us be a 100% healed? I mean, just look at what's going on in the world. Alyssa Scolari [04:43]: I think all of us have experienced collective trauma from the mass shootings, our children being gunned down, rights being taken away. Like how can we live through all this stuff? Right? A global pandemic and then say, "Oh, I'm completely healed." That's the thing about trauma, is that it doesn't go away. It's not like once we've been traumatized once, well, that's it, and we never ever experience any trauma. We will experience it down the road. And that will probably further our healing in some way. Alyssa Scolari [05:23]: Now, again, please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that you have to continue to be traumatized in order to heal. But what I'm saying is life is fucking hard. And so, you can't get to a place where you're 40 and you're like, "Oh, I've completely healed." And expect that nothing traumatizing or triggering is going to affect you for the rest of your life. I just don't think that's realistic. So, many people when they come to me and this is myself included, they don't usually walk in the office. Again, this was the case for me. I didn't walk into my therapist's office saying I have complex trauma and I need help with this. Hey, some people do do that, and that's amazing. Alyssa Scolari [06:16]: But typically, we don't even realize we have complex trauma. And instead what we think we want help with is whatever vice we have turned to to be able to cope with what we're not dealing with, with what we're not feeling, our eating disorder serves as a numbing tool. Your addiction serves as a numbing tool, whatever it may be, even I believe this, right, anxiety disorders, like OCD serves as a numbing tool. Many therapists agree with me, a lot of people, I think treat OCD as just this singular disorder that's like, you have to combat the obsessions. Right? You have to just not give in. And once you do that, then your OCD will go away. Alyssa Scolari [07:13]: I don't necessarily believe that to be true. I actually just took a training, where this woman said that, she works with OCD and she basically was like, "The only treatment for this is having people not give in to their obsessions." And yes, that is super important, but I think a lot of OCD specialists are going to say that, that need for control with OCD is almost always rooted in some kind of trauma. So, I actually don't know what the research is on that, and I will look into it, but in all of the work that I've done and just talking to other OCD specialists, that's what people would agree on. Alyssa Scolari [07:59]: So even so many disorders can be a reaction, not just eating disorders and addiction, but OCD, or perhaps social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, all of these things can likely, not always, be linked to some type of trauma. So most people, when they go into therapy, they are looking to treat the symptom of their trauma, and that symptom is another disorder. For me, it was an eating disorder. I struggled with an eating disorder, I mean, my whole life. I started counting points probably as early as eight years old, and I just struggled my entire life with ... Alyssa Scolari [08:50]: I was overweight and everybody in my family was on Weight Watchers, and everybody used to tell me that our family had a weight problem and that we needed to be dieters our whole lives. So I just thought from very early on that I needed to restrict my food intake. And then as I was older, that led to binge eating. So I would sneak food. I have this one distinct memory. I don't think I've talked about this on this podcast. I've talked about it when I was a guest on Guy Macpherson's The Trauma Therapist, but this specific memory I was really young. I can't remember how old, but I remember I took a stick of butter from the fridge and I went and hid in the garage, and I was just eating a stick of butter. Alyssa Scolari [09:43]: So, that's where all of my restriction led me as just a little kid. And so, basically I spent 20 years up a hundred pounds down, a hundred pounds every new diet. And when I would gain weight, people really ignored me. I felt super ignored and unseen, but as soon as I lost weight, everybody praised me. I was well known in my town for being this huge success story. People wanted to know how I did it, where I got the willpower from. I was fucking dying, and I wish I could go back to all those people now and tell them I was fucking dying. Alyssa Scolari [10:30]: Of course, I can't do that, but when I went into therapy, that is what I wanted help with. I wanted help on how to let go of my eating disorder. Because at that point I was binging almost daily, and I just couldn't stop myself. I felt like I had no control, and I would just pray day after day. Like, "Please let me get rid of this eating disorder." So that's how I started out. I want to get rid of this eating disorder. And over time my eating disorder started to go away. I remember sitting in my therapist's office and I would say to her like, "Why can't this eating disorder just be gone?" And she would be like, "Because it's not about the food." Alyssa Scolari [11:21]: And I would get so mad at her because I would be like, "Are you fucking dumb? Yes, it is about the food, stop fucking telling me it's not about the food." And as much as I hate to admit this, she was absolutely right. It was not about the food for me. It was about trying to numb out what I was feeling. And how I came to learn this is because I started to look at what was happening during those moments I was binge eating, and a lot of times it would be after something upsetting happened. Maybe I got yelled at by my boss, or I had a fight with my mom or things were really bad at home. And I would be sitting at the drive through, in some kind of fast food restaurant eating until I could not breathe. Alyssa Scolari [12:16]: That is how I started to learn, "Oh, okay. I don't think the problem is that I don't have willpower, I think the problem is I'm really trying to numb out." For me it was anger. I am a chronic people pleaser. Well, I'm a recovered people pleaser, but I was a people pleaser back then. And so when I had bad feelings, it was never safe for me to show them. So I stuffed my feelings down with food. At the same time, I had internalized so much fat phobia and diet culture that I hated eating. So, I would do my best then to restrict and starve, but then when I starved, it worked out for me because all of my hunger cues shut off and I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel anything in my body. Alyssa Scolari [13:16]: So I definitely couldn't feel anger or rage or depression or sadness. So I started to learn in that process that my eating disorder was deeply tied to my emotions. And that is the case for so many people, they come in with whatever disorder it is they might be struggling with. And then they start to unpack it and they start to realize the emotional ties between their disorder, their vice and their emotions. They realize that connection. Now I wish I could say that it got better from here, because it sounds great. You're like, "Oh, wonderful. I realized I made this connection. Well, now I can just heal." But it actually doesn't work like that in my experience, this is where things get really hard. Alyssa Scolari [14:10]: In terms of a timeline, it's really hard to give a timeline, because everybody is so different. For me, it happened probably a year into therapy. For the people that I work with, it usually takes a couple of months. So it's really different for everybody, and I can't give a timeline, unfortunately, but it does start getting harder because then what happens is, people start to let go of their defenses or their vices. Alyssa Scolari [14:48]: And I started to let go of my eating disorder. I started to become more in tune for the first time in probably 20 years, I started to become more in tune with my emotions. And now this is also what happens with so many of the people that I work with. They start to become more in tune with their feelings, and it feels like the pits of hell. And I don't even think that is an exaggeration. If you have been through it, you understand, because you're letting go of your coping mechanism. Alyssa Scolari [15:24]: And so now all that's there are the feelings that you have been running from for however long. And so it doesn't feel like, "Oh, yay. I'm in touch with my feelings again." It feels like, "Oh my God, these emotions are going to kill me." And I think that that's actually understandable because your brain is just trying to keep you alive. Your brain is a beautiful, wonderful thing. Kiss your brain, that is what my husband's old boss always used to say, "Kiss your brain, kiss your brain." And my husband now says it to me all the time. If I'm having a really bad day and I'm like, "Ah, I wish I didn't have a traumatized brain." He'll be like, "You kiss your brain." Alyssa Scolari [16:02]: Because my brain has worked so hard to keep me alive, and so has yours. It is a beautiful thing that your brain does where it blocks out feelings because those feelings are so intense that we feel like they're going to kill us. Now, they're not going to, especially if you are in a place where you are surrounded with support and safety. Right? If you have a therapist who is well versed in trauma, then you are okay, as long as you have a good connection with this therapist. Alyssa Scolari [16:32]: I had a therapist who was well versed in trauma, and it was a fucking nightmare. That was before, I now have two therapists, as many of you know, because I'm doing EMDR right now. And both of my therapists are the bomb. So anyway, this is when things get really difficult. You might find yourself really depressed, you might find yourself crying all the time, you might find yourself fully in touch with a rage that feels so intense. It feels like you might lose your mind. This is where coping skills are so effective. Alyssa Scolari [17:12]: I hate when therapists just talk about coping skills being the be all end all therapy, learn some coping skills. Because if you are not allowing yourself to feel your feelings and truly feel them, then you are honestly not going to really need those coping skills, because you're never going to let go of your eating disorder or your addiction. Right? Coping skills when it comes to complex trauma recovery are crucial when you let go of your other disorders or your other vices and become fully in touch with your emotions. Because at this point, what you're doing is you've shifted from eating disorder recovery or addiction and you have now shifted into trauma work. You are now taking a look at all of the people in your life and the patterns and the behaviors that have led up to this point. And it can feel so overwhelming. Alyssa Scolari [18:22]: I know we've talked about this before. Some people don't even remember until they start doing the trauma work. And then they have all of these new memories that come to the surface and they learn things that they weren't even sure really happened, maybe they might have thought happened, but they always told themselves, "No, there's no way that happened." It's learning about your past and seeing it in a much different light. And it is absolutely terrifying and heartbreaking and infuriating, and sometimes it feels like there's nothing you can do, but sit back and watch the last, I don't know, let's say 30 years of your life unfolds in a way you've never seen it unfold before. Alyssa Scolari [19:13]: And I say this not because I want to deter you from making the decision to heal, it is the best decision ever. I say this because I want there to be realistic expectations about what it is like. In fact, when people start to get fully in touch with their trauma and the feelings behind it, oftentimes those defenses or those vices or those other disorders will come back tenfold, because your brain is just doing what it knows how to do best, which is protect you. So my brain, right, let's say like my eating disorder and my OCD, because those are two of my vices, that is what always comes back to the surface. Through EMDR right now, I am processing memories. Alyssa Scolari [20:05]: I've talked about EMDR in previous episodes, it's been awesome so far. I'm still very new at it. So, I will talk more about it. But when I am getting in touch with a lot of these little childhood memories, I will notice that my OCD will spike through the roof. Like last night I was having a literal knock on wood. If you've seen the movie, Encanto, and you've seen Bruno is his name, and you've seen like he will knock on wood at different parts of the movie. That can be a part of OCD, and that certainly is for me, I have to knock on wood when I have a thought. And like last night I was knocking on wood because I kept having all of these thoughts. And I was like, "Man, this is getting bad." Alyssa Scolari [20:59]: My OCD popped back up because I was processing a really painful childhood memory, and my brain was like, "What are you doing? We don't think of this stuff. We don't feel these feelings. I'm going to need you to stop, and I'm going to distract you from these feelings with this OCD." And for people with eating disorders, it's the same thing. Once people start to get fully in touch with their trauma and the pain that comes with that, I often see them they'll come into my office and they'll be like, "I've been thinking about stepping on the scale again, or I've been thinking about starting a new diet, or I need to get myself to the gym more often." And it's all distraction. It's all distraction to help you really manage or avoid the pain that you're feeling about the other stuff that is going on. Alyssa Scolari [21:58]: So, it gets worse before it gets better, because this is the point in your healing journey, where you no longer can avoid knowing about your past and maybe some family stuff, but you also are just afraid to move forward. And it can be a really sticky time for folks. It was a really sticky time for me. And unfortunately, when I was at this place, I didn't have a therapist who was safe, and this therapist was pushing me in ways that I should have never been pushed. And I almost lost my life in the process quite literally. Alyssa Scolari [22:38]: So, I can't emphasize enough the importance of being with somebody that you truly feel safe with and somebody who isn't going to push you, is going to meet you exactly where you're at. Unless of course, you're engaging in behaviors that could end your life, then yeah, your therapist is going to need to push you. But when I say push, I mean, your therapist should not be pushing you to talk about memories or family stuff. If you ever have a therapist that says, "You got to talk about this stuff in order to feel better." No, you do not. If your therapist says that, get up and walk right the fuck out. Because that is what was told to me and forcing myself to speak about things prematurely, literally almost took my life away. Alyssa Scolari [23:25]: So, just a little caveat there, but yeah, this is when it gets difficult. This is when it gets really, really hard, but you can get through it because this is when you learn, A, coping skills, but B, how to be your own best friend advocate and parent. A lot of us with complex trauma, we look back on our childhoods and we are devastated because we see that there was nobody there for us. But what we do through this next part of the healing process is we learn how to be there for ourselves. We learn how to be the hero we always needed. So this part, isn't all doom and gloom, yet it's really hard, but we learn how to save ourselves. And that is the most empowering thing in the whole world. Alyssa Scolari [24:30]: Over time, your grief shifts, it transforms. At first this grief feels all consuming and it feels like it's going to suck you up into a black hole of despair. I can promise you, it does not stay that way. As long as you don't fight it, you will move through it. I made the mistake of fighting it time and time and time again, for years, I have fought my grief. I've run from my grief and from the feelings of abandonment. And the more I ran, the more my body acted out. Right? If it wasn't my eating disorder, it was my endometriosis. It was an autoimmune disease. I was just holding all of this stuff in my body, because I was too afraid to feel it. Alyssa Scolari [25:23]: And then I made the decision that enough is enough, and that I have to move forward and I have taken my pain and I have shifted it from this big black hole of despair to something that I can actually do something with, in the form of being able to help other people, in the form of being a voice for the voiceless, being an advocate, being an ally, I have taken my pain and I have used it to help others, but I have also taken my pain and I have used it to make my own family. And what I mean by that is like, I have taken what I have been through and I have become better because of it. I have decided that I am going to give myself the life now that I always deserved. Alyssa Scolari [26:23]: I am only going to have people in my life who I can communicate appropriate with. I will not engage with people who abuse me. I will create safety. I will have a family of my own, and I will raise my child so that she or he, or they feels so safe and never once questions if I love them, if I believe in them. And I'm not saying you have to go on and have children in order to heal, because my healing has come and I don't have children, it's come because I have cultivated a space of safety. I wake up every day and I look at my life and I think, "God damn Alyssa, look at how far you've come." Alyssa Scolari [27:09]: From feeling like the pain was so bad that I didn't want to live anymore, from six years ago when my husband and I met, I had an eating disorder. I was so sick with anorexia that when he would cook for me, I would sob because I didn't know how much salt he put in the food. I would induce, vomiting all the time. I was an over exerciser, and I look at my life today and I think, "Damn, I don't worry about that anymore." I wake up, I enjoy breakfast. I have coffee. When he cooks for me, it's a great day. I go out to eat and I don't panic. I know that he is safe. I know that I am in a safe home. I have surrounded myself with everything that I love that makes me happy. I have learned how to be my own best friend and my own parent. And I have a picture of little me in the mirror, in my bedroom, and I check in with her every so often. Alyssa Scolari [28:15]: "Hey, how you Dylan, are you doing okay?" And if we're not doing okay, what can I do for her? What can I do with eight year old me? That is where you get to, when you get through the darkest of the healing process. It absolutely gets worse before it gets better, but I promise you when it gets better, it gets so good. I am able to do things that I never thought I would live long enough to do. And yes, there are times when I struggle. Right now, EMDR not going to lie. I'm struggling. And I'll say just a word about that. You do not have to do EMDR in order to heal and get better. Right? I have worked with loads of people, I am not an EMDR specialist, I have worked with loads of people who have achieved healing while not doing EMDR. Alyssa Scolari [29:11]: And the reason I'm doing it is because I notice that my nervous system, despite all of my healing, is completely out of whack. And what I mean by that is this, I have come a long way in the fact that I know that I'm safe, and if something happens, I know I'm okay. I used to get really, really scared if my husband would get angry and he's not at all a rager, but he's entitled to get pissed off every once in a while. Like we all do. But because I'm so afraid of angry people, or I was so afraid of angry people, I would get really, really triggered. And my nervous system would just go through the roof. Like my heart would start racing. I would start sweating. I wouldn't be able to breathe. I would want to cry. Alyssa Scolari [30:04]: And in my brain consciously, I knew everything was fine. I would be so frustrated with myself because I would be like, "It's literally not a big deal that he's getting mad." But my body didn't understand that, my body was off to the races, I was in fight or flight mode and I could not calm down. And I know it's not good for my body, right, to constantly have my nervous system on edge, to constantly have my cortisol levels spiking. I knew it was really bad for my body. So, I wanted to do something about that, and EMDR is a really great way to just rewire the brain a little bit and get the right brain talking to the left side of the brain and make it so that I am not so hypervigilant and so reactive. Alyssa Scolari [30:53]: So that is why I have decided to further my healing journey with EMDR. Not everybody has to do that, not everybody needs it. I think it is amazing. But it's really a personal decision. So, along the way, right, there's going to be so many little caveats, and nobody's healing journey is the same, but this is a pattern that I often see with myself and with people I work with, where you come in to treat a more surface level disorder. And then as you treat that, you start to get more in touch with the trauma that's behind the disorder. And then we start the grieving process, and really start learning how to best take care of yourself. Especially given the fact that you weren't cared for, right, when you were younger, if you have complex trauma. Alyssa Scolari [31:53]: And once you're able to do that, you are frigging unstoppable because you know that at the end of the day, the safest place is you. And for so many trauma survivors, when we start therapy, we don't feel safe at all. We spend our whole lives trying to escape our bodies. But at the other end is this beautiful, beautiful concept that you are so at home in your body and you are so safe, and paradise and peace is you. Alyssa Scolari [32:33]: So, I hope that this has been helpful to at least give you a brief outline. I mean, not brief. Right? This is like 40 minutes. But to talk a little bit about the process, like what can you expect out of healing? It hurts like hell. But I mean, I can't help, but sit here and smile as I say this, because I just think of my own journey, and I think like, "Damn, I saved my own life." And as a result, I get to help so many other people, and I also get to enjoy spending time with myself. Alyssa Scolari [33:09]: I get to enjoy nurturing younger me. I get to spend the rest of my life taking care of the child in me. And I want to, because I love her, and you can do the same. So if you are in the pits of it right now, I need you to hang on, I need you to tie it, not in your rope and I need you to hang on, because if there was anything that I wish I could go back and tell myself even six years ago, it is that, it doesn't stay like this forever. And the other side is, it's almost the equivalent to seeing the world in colors that I just couldn't see before. Alyssa Scolari [33:56]: I appreciate everything so much more now, and you can too, and I want nothing but the best for all of you. Hang in, hold on, love yourself through this. You're going to make it. I know it. I love you, I am holding you in the light, and I will see you next week. Alyssa Scolari [34:20]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support.
The last several years have given way to an onslaught of devastating and frightening tragedies in our world. When it all feels like too much, we need ways to find safety and security once more. Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma You can also check out Alyssa at www.alyssascolari.com Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey friends. Alyssa Scolari [00:24]: Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host Alyssa Scolari, and we are now on episode 101, baby. I am so excited. I hope that everybody has had a great week so far. It feels like forever since I've recorded an episode, it's only been really a week and a half, but so much has happened in the world since I last recorded an episode and I originally had other plans for what I was going to talk about today. But I think with recent events, it is really important that I talk about how to cope when it feels like the world is falling apart. I feel really, really lucky because I have the most amazing people who listen to this podcast. And I have not been pressured by any of you to talk about what is going on in the United States, particularly the Roe v. Wade being overturned. Alyssa Scolari [01:36]: I know that with a lot of people who have public platforms, people who follow them or listen to them, people are demanding that others speak about it and they're judging them for not having spoken about it. And I feel really grateful that has not been the case for me. And I will say this with regards to that, just because somebody's not speaking about it on a social media platform doesn't mean that they don't have feelings about it, right? Roe v. Wade was only overturned a few weeks ago at this point, or maybe a week and a half ago at this point. I'm not even sure, but it's going to take some time for people to be able to process how they feel about it. And the overturning is very triggering for people who have... Well, it's very triggering for pretty much anyone with a uterus, but it is especially triggering for people who have a history of sexual abuse, right? Alyssa Scolari [02:47]: Our bodies have already been taken from us. We have already had somebody else have more control over our bodies than we have. So for Roe v. Wade to be overturned and for people to say that it is okay for states to completely ban abortion, it almost feels like we are being victimized all over... I mean, we are being victimized all over again, and it's very re-victimizing of our sexual abuse. So try to be mindful of that, right? If somebody's not saying something about it, that doesn't mean that they don't feel strongly about it. It doesn't mean that they're ignoring it. What that might mean is that they are so deeply triggered by it, that they just can't, right? Because especially when you put yourself out there in any kind of public platform, you are bound to have criticism and you are bound to have people who are going to say things that are hurtful, people that might disagree. Alyssa Scolari [03:50]: And while that might be okay, if you have deep traumatic ties to a certain topic, honestly, it might not be safe for you to share that publicly. So just give one another grace right now. I feel like I'm preaching to the choir. I don't even have to tell you all because you all have been absolutely amazing in not asking me to speak up about this. And so I have been able to take some time and I have been able to get to a place where I am able to publicly say, I am so not okay with what is happening in this country. And anybody who knows a shred about me can already have guessed that. I am horrified. I am triggered beyond belief, the right to abortion. It is not a right, it's not a constitutional right anymore. And it has been so hard for me to wrap my head around. Alyssa Scolari [04:58]: And it's also been very overwhelming for me as a therapist to have to go into my office, right? Because the overturning was on Friday, June 24th. And then on Monday, I had to go into the office and I had to talk to a person upon person who has deep seated feelings and is extremely triggered by the overturning. And I haven't even processed it for myself. So I have been just inundated with reactions to this and I'm handling it the best that I can, but there's just no part of me that is okay. It is so scary for so many people out there. And some people are celebrating, right? Some people are celebrating, but I think so many of us, and I know many people who listen to this podcast, are mourning. We're mourning. We are terrified about what this means. We are triggered because now we feel like we have no control over our bodies anymore. Alyssa Scolari [06:08]: It's been really, really bad. And unfortunately bad has only turned to worse, right? We thought that it couldn't get any worse on June 24th when they overturned Roe v. Wade. But now see what else the Supreme Court is considering. The Supreme Court is going to look at LGBTQ rights. They're going to decide whether or not businesses are allowed to ban or discriminate against people in the LGBTQ community. That is being considered. They are also considering whether they are going to allow states to overturn federal elections. That is another thing that's being considered. And I kind of struggle a lot with what all of this means. So I try to do a lot of research and I've done a lot of research, but then I also try to ask other people in my life who I know are well read on it and who understand a little bit better than I do, because I am not the best at understanding this stuff, right? Alyssa Scolari [07:16]: And as an aside, I also want to say this, I see a lot of people saying things like how could you not understand what this means? Or how could you not understand? How could you not have seen this coming? And I understand that to a certain degree. What I want to say about that is this. Please do not assume that everybody was present and/or able to pay attention in school when we were being taught about the checks and balances of our government, of our country. Alyssa Scolari [07:57]: Please don't assume that everybody was able to do that, right. Maybe you were there and maybe you listened and you paid attention and you understood it. And it came super easily to you. But what about the kids who couldn't show up at school because they had to stay home sick, taking care of their parents or taking care of their siblings because their parents weren't available or they had to take care of grandma, or they didn't live with mom and dad, or what about the kids who did show up in school, but they had undiagnosed ADHD to the point where they couldn't even pay attention, they couldn't listen. Alyssa Scolari [08:29]: Or they had trauma and they were too busy trying to process their trauma to be able to listen about the checks and balances in this country, right. What about the people that don't have internet access that cannot read up on this stuff themselves? What about the people that are so busy living paycheck to paycheck, that they don't have time to understand how our system of checks and balances work in this country. Please keep that in mind and perhaps talk to other people about these topics because people are so quick to say things like, how could you not have known? How do you not understand how our government works? Why do you even live in this country if you don't understand how our government works? So many people don't, right. And I, to a degree, struggle so much with how things work. Alyssa Scolari [09:19]: So going back to the Supreme Court, now hearing a case about whether or not it's going to be okay for the states to overturn federal elections. Basically what that means is our system of checks and balances could be taken away in the sense that states get to regulate elections, they get to regulate... They have a lot more power over elections, but also states have the power to say, oh, well, we suspect that there was fraud here. And because there was fraud, we are going to throw out these votes, or we're going to say that the result is null and void and we have to vote again. Or no, no, no, they didn't win. They did, right. So basically the states can kind of alter the results based on their own agenda. Alyssa Scolari [10:19]: And there's really nobody that can back them up. There's no court, there's no higher court to be like, okay, well show us the evidence that says that this election was fraudulent, right? Show us the evidence. There's really nobody that's doing that. Basically the states just get to decide. And that is a really frightening thing because essentially it can make our votes meaningless if the state already has their own agenda. Now none of these things have actually been overturned yet, right? So I do not want to cause panic where we don't need to be panicked because right now there are other things that have been overturned that we need to be panicking about. But people are talking about this stuff and anxiety and depression is at an all time high. Suicide rates are on the rise and things are looking grim. It is my hope that just because the Supreme Court is looking at the stuff that it doesn't necessarily mean these things are going to be overturned. Alyssa Scolari [11:30]: They're just looking at it. And it is my hope that they're going to be like, this is ridiculous. And they're just going to throw it out. That is my hope. But that was also our hope with Roe v. Wade. So we don't know. Life is really scary right now. It is so, so, so scary. And I know that I've been talking about a lot of this, but I do not want this whole episode to be talking about all the things that can continue to go wrong in this country because things are going wrong so often. And these are really dark times in our country. What I want to talk about is how to cope, because if you are anything like me, you are struggling to cope. I've been having a really hard time. And I know that the people around me have been having a really hard time. Alyssa Scolari [12:25]: And I know that the people I work with are having a really hard time. So I want to talk about today, how we can get through this what feels like a never ending nightmare. There is a pressure I.n the media, in social media and in the world right now to be on all of the time to be up to date on the latest news, the breaking news, what's happening, who said this, who said that. It is so much pressure in itself. And I want you to know that you are not any less of an activist, you are not any less of a supporter if you are not on all the time. In fact, I am here to encourage you to please take a break because we need it. We are all so tired and exhausted and burnt out from excessive media and bad news after bad news after bad news, not just in the year 2022, it has been three years of horror, right? Alyssa Scolari [13:44]: In 2019, it was like everybody was talking about this COVID virus and will it, won't it reach the United States and we're tracking this, but the numbers are low. And then 2020 hit. And it was like the whole world is shutting down. And since then it has just been an onslaught of death and chaos and destruction and bad news. And nobody, I mean, nobody is meant to be absorbing this amount of information day in, day out for years on end. It is chronic, toxic stress and trauma. And it doesn't surprise me that suicide rates are on the rise. It doesn't surprise me that the rate of mental health disorders, that the rate of PTSD is through the fucking roof right now. Alyssa Scolari [14:38]: But if you're listening to this and this information is ringing true for you, and you're like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's how I'm feeling, I am just so done with all of it. I need to tell you that it's okay to dissociate. And that might seem like Alyssa, what the fuck, right? What do you mean, dissociation is a trauma response. Not always, not always. Dissociation or dissociation or dissociation. People say it many, many different ways. And I say dissociate, but some people say it differently. I actually don't know what the correct pronunciation is. I've seen multiple different pronunciations for it. So if somebody could tell me what exactly the correct pronunciation of it is, I would appreciate that. But for now, I'm going to continue to say dissociate. You can say dissociate, however you want to say it. It all means the same thing. It is your brain's way of detaching from reality. And that is a very natural and normal mechanism. Alyssa Scolari [15:45]: Dissociation in moderation is not a bad thing. We all need to detach, and we all need to be able to focus on things that are more reassuring in life so that we can keep our anxiety at a minimum. Sometimes. It is so, so healthy. I mean, honestly, when you meditate, right, when you meditate or are mindful, that can kind of be a... Meditation can be a healthy form of dissociation. There are so many ways in which we dissociate on a regular basis. Have you ever been in school or in a class, and the professor is just droning on and on and on about something. And before you know it, you are two weeks into a fantasy, not two weeks, I should say, but you're 20 minutes into a fantasy about vacationing somewhere on some tropical island with your crush and getting married and this and that. Alyssa Scolari [16:51]: And you're thinking about, oh, what is my wedding dress going to look like? Or things like that, that is dissociation. You have checked out and you have checked in to a fantasy that is much more pleasurable than where you are at now. It's not a response to toxic stress, but you are just like, I need to check out for a little bit. That is such a good thing. It is healthy to be able to check out. Now, of course it becomes unhealthy when your brain is doing that as a result of toxic stress, right? That is when it becomes like this is a trauma response. But right now I think that so many of us are probably having trauma responses as a result of everything that is happening in this world. We need a healthy form of dissociation. So it is not a bad thing. Alyssa Scolari [17:50]: I cannot emphasize that enough. When you are doing it to try to help yourself and intentionally, right. We want to be very intentional about this form of dissociation. So what does that mean? It means literally checking out, checking out of reality for a little bit and checking into other things that feel much safer. I highly recommend putting timers on your phone right now, right. We could all use it, right. We could all use less time on social media, but now more than ever, where you can barely even open up an app without seeing something about abortion laws or LGBTQ rights or gun control, put a timer on the apps that you use. How long do you want to be absorbing that information? I recently, I think maybe like a week and a half ago, when all this happened, I just decided, no, I cannot do this to myself. Alyssa Scolari [18:55]: I cannot be inundated with this information right now. I have to do something. And so I decided that I do not want to consume any more than one hour of social media time a day right now, that is what I can handle. And even that might honestly be a little bit too much. I might bring it to 30 minutes. And so I have been doing that and it has been so helpful for me. Not only have I done that, but I've also decided that when it gets to a certain time, either in the morning or the night, I do not want to be on my phone. I do not want to be on these apps at all, regardless of how much I've been on them throughout the day, I'm giving myself a small window. So basically my apps will essentially turn off at 8:00 PM and then from 8:00 PM until 10:00 AM the next morning, I do not allow myself to go on these apps. Alyssa Scolari [19:56]: And if you have an iPhone, you can just do it right in your settings. Your iPhone will just do it for you. It's pretty easy. If you have an Android, I think you can download an app that will allow you to do that and it's free. So I highly recommend that. Then at night, right, my routine is not only do I actually have much more time, but I can do things that help me to engage in a form of healthy dissociation. And then in the morning, the reason why I have the apps off until solely into the morning is so I am not starting my day off with traumatic or horrible or scary or anxiety provoking news. When I wake up in the morning, I can't open my phone right away and start scrolling through social media. Alyssa Scolari [20:49]: No, I have to get up. I have to get out of bed. I have to make my coffee. I have to do a little bit of work. I have to eat. And then when my day is already started, I can be like, oh, let me check social media for a little bit and see what's going on. And it helps not to start the day off on a wrong foot or effectively, it helps me to not be triggered and be having PTSD symptoms from the moment I get up in the morning. So I highly, highly recommend that if you haven't done that already. Now, the other thing is figuring out what to do with that time that you're not on social media, because if you're not on social media, but then you're sitting down on the couch watching something that's equally as traumatic. Well, it's not really going to help you much. Alyssa Scolari [21:40]: Personally, I love Stranger Things. Love it, love it, love it. And I was so excited for it to come out, but two weeks ago before Roe v. Wade was even overturned, David and I sat down to watch it. And the first 20 minutes, now I'll give them a little bit of credit, because Stranger Things did give a warning about how the scenes that we were about to see could be triggering about the shooting in Texas. And so, okay. You know, I was like, all right, but the whole thing, it was 20 minutes, I think, probably of just horror. Horror that was so similar that I'm like, honestly, I'm a little infuriated that they didn't just cut that scene or make it much shorter together. And just kind of say, we changed the scene out of respect, because it was so similar to what I'm sure so many people saw when they had to witness that Texas shooting. Alyssa Scolari [22:57]: So I was horrified and I was like, turn this off. I cannot watch this. And I have heard, I have not watched it since, but I have heard from a few people that it actually doesn't get much better and that it's actually a very gory season. And as much as I love Stranger Things and was so excited to be able to escape into a fantasy world, I know that that is going to be entirely too triggering for me. And so I have set a boundary with myself that I am not watching it because I can't do that to myself. And so it's important to keep that in mind too, right? If I were to say, oh, I'm not going to go on social media, but I'm going to sit down and I'm going to watch Stranger Things and inundate myself with gore and death and blood and violence. Alyssa Scolari [23:48]: Well, how's that actually helping my brain, right? That's that's only just triggering, it's triggering me. It's not really doing anything. So what will you do during that time? So instead of watching Stranger Things, I've been playing a lot of Mario. We actually bought a new game called Mario Odyssey. And listen, it is exactly the form of dissociation that I need. Helping me to check out and check into a world where I am a small Italian man with a red cap. And I am jumping and hitting those little square boxes. The yellow ones with the question marks on them and collecting coins. And I'm in all these fantasy worlds. And there's great colors. That has been really helpful for me. Another thing that I'm doing is I am doing yoga. I am trying to be so vigilant about doing it so that I can help move emotions through me. Alyssa Scolari [24:55]: That has been really helpful. I highly recommend restorative yoga. If you haven't done restorative yoga, it is the bomb. It is very different than regular yoga in the sense that you're not actually doing much, basically what restorative yoga is it's propping up your body and supporting your body in different positions so that you can maximize your relaxation and meditation. And it is amazing. I don't even think that explanation does it justice, but if you haven't done it, I highly recommend it. I've also been doing Yoga with Adriene and that is free. If you look that up, she has some free classes. So you can try those out. I highly recommend those. Now fair warning, she does have a section where it says yoga for weight loss. So if that might be a triggering for you then perhaps don't check that out. Alyssa Scolari [25:57]: Another person who I am loving is, what's it called, Underbelly yoga. That's who she is. To sign up for her classes is $10 a month, but she is awesome. And it's unlike any kind of yoga I've ever done before. She's super messy and super in her body and just lets her body do whatever feels good, which I feel like a lot of yoga classes don't do. A lot of yoga classes feel super rushed to me. It's like, do this, do that, do this, do that. And I'm like, okay, I didn't even get in one pose before I have to go into another pose. So also highly recommend the Underbelly yoga. I think she's awesome. But that has been something that has been honestly not negotiable for me, in addition to finding ways to releasing my anger. So boxing. Boxing has been a lifesaver. Alyssa Scolari [27:00]: You don't even have to go to a class, get a bag, get gloves, find a partner, and box. Being able to punch things is so therapeutic. It's so therapeutic. Now that's not necessarily dissociation. That's more channeling your rage, but it's still very, very helpful and very relevant for what all of us are experiencing right now. The other thing that's been really helpful is reading. And not reading true crime books. I am really interested in true crime, but I've needed to step away from that. I have made the decision that I need to set a boundary with myself. I cannot be inundated with more disaster and horror. So I have been reading a lot. I just read a book called, Where Do You Go, Bernadette? It's actually, I think now a movie or it's being made into a movie. It was good. Alyssa Scolari [27:57]: It wasn't the best. It was good. I have another book on the way called The People We Meet on Vacation and I'm really looking forward to that. So finding ways to completely detach, put on a show. I don't care if it is a show that you have seen 95,000 times, if it makes you laugh and it's not triggering and it feels safe, put it on. I don't even really like to be in much silence anymore right now. So I almost always have the TV on with either a Disney movie or Disney music or just a sitcom that I really like. I love The Nanny. I have been watching The Nanny. I love Mike and Molly. I've been watching Mike and Molly, both on HBO. Both can be triggering for an eating disorder though. So disclaimer about that. I really don't recommend, especially Mike and Molly, do not watch that if you have an eating disorder, but those are shows that feel comforting for me. Alyssa Scolari [28:58]: And those are shows that make me feel like nothing else is wrong in that moment. And it's very important for you to find books, games, movies, shows, and people that give you that sense of safety. I know that with David, there's a time and a place for us to talk about this, but then when we're not talking about it, we are not talking about it. And we are inundating ourselves with other things. Going outside and taking care of the plants. We are spending more time with our dogs. We are doing a lot of research on how to attract different birds to our yard. We have a bird feeder and we have the most beautiful cardinals that are coming to our bird feeders and just things like that. And it might seem at first, how can I be spending my time on this when I have to be out there protesting? Alyssa Scolari [29:56]: You don't have to be on all the time. Get out there, protest, donate, call people, sign petitions, do whatever you need to do, but do not do it when you're sacrificing yourself. That is something I need you all to remember. Dissociation can be healthy sometimes, especially right now. I know it feels like the world is falling apart. I'm scared too, but I'm not going anywhere. I love you. And I am encouraging you to take the best care of yourself through all of it. So I hope that this helps. I am wishing you the absolute best week. I feel like that's unreasonable for what's what's happening in the world now. I wish you some peace this week. I will say that, and I of course will be holding you in the light and I will see you next week. Alyssa Scolari [31:00]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over again. That's paton.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you. And we appreciate your support.
O PodCopa desta semana recebe um dos maiores jogadores da história da amarelinha: Ronaldo Fenômeno. Nosso camisa 9 relembrou sua trajetória em Copas do Mundo pela seleção, abriu o jogo sobre a final de 1998 na França e contou como a 'Família Scolari' foi fundamental no título de 2002.
Alyssa is celebrating 100 episodes this week by talking about the five different love languages, first coined by psychologist Gary Chapman. Learning about the five love languages can significantly improve the relationships you have with partners, friends, and family. To learn more about the different love languages, please see Gary Chapman's book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma You can also check out Alyssa at www.alyssascolari.com Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey everybody. It is your host Alyssa Scolari. Welcome back to another episode of The Light After Trauma podcast and most especially, happy 100th episode. We are officially in triple digits. I don't know how that happened. I have no clue. It has been almost two years since the podcast started and I can't even wrap my brain around it. We are a hundred episodes in, and it has been so much fun every step of the way. I remember being in the pandemic right at the beginning when everything was supposed to shut down for only two weeks. And I remember thinking to myself, I have to do something to help people that are suffering. I have to do something to help people have a greater understanding about mental health. And it sort of just dawned on me like, "Oh, I really want to start a podcast." Alyssa Scolari [01:28]: That is a great way to reach people and to be able to provide people with free access to mental health education. So I remember I get all these reminders on my phone from Facebook, I guess, as my equipment would come in, like my podcast microphone. I would take a picture of it and I would put it on my story. So I keep getting little reminders on my social media from that two years ago and it is mind boggling and I'm really honored to be here. There are times when the podcast has really stressed me out and has felt like a lot. But honestly, for the most part, I have been loving every second of it and I have formed friendships with, I think so many of you. I have amazing friendships right now that I would've never had if it weren't for this podcast, whether it's people who have been on the show, whether it is people who have contacted me after hearing the podcast and we just connected on social media. Alyssa Scolari [02:38]: I just feel like I have friends all over the world and you have been right by my side, listening to me, not just share my story, but be vulnerable. Because I shared my story, but I share my story for the most part, as I'm going through things. And it has been great to feel the support. It has been great to be able to give support in the form of education about mental health. It's just been great. It's all been great. I don't even have any words. I don't have any words. So if you and I have talked and we're friends, thank you. I love you. If you and I have never spoken, but you just listened to the podcast. Thank you. I love you. We are going to keep going until, I don't know when. I don't know, we're just going to keep going. We're going to keep doing it. So thank you so much for all your support. I would honestly never be here without you. Alyssa Scolari [03:46]: And if you are continuing to like what you hear and you haven't done so already, I kindly ask that you please leave a rating or review of the podcast because those ratings really help the podcast to continue to grow and to reach a wider audience so more people can get the mental health education and support and the trauma focused education that they need. That would be great. And without further ado, let's get into it today. So I thought for the hundredth episode, we could talk about something maybe a little bit more fun. Listen, I always think that mental health stuff is fun, but of course it can be very, very serious. So I thought maybe we would just dial it back a notch and talk about something that I think is really cool. So today I wanted to talk about the five love languages, which I always think are interesting and relate to absolutely everybody. Alyssa Scolari [04:42]: The five love languages, I'm sure most of you have heard of this. But if you have not heard of this so far, it's based on a book by a PhD, Gary Chapman, who was a therapist who worked a lot with couples and with people in complicated relationships. And he wrote this book titled, The Five Love Languages, and the book was released in 1992. And basically what this book is it's a collection of his extensive research as a therapist and he takes kind of everything that he has seen throughout his career. And he condenses people's communication patterns and how couples communicate love. He condenses it all into five basic categories and calls them love languages. Now it's important to remember about love languages, that when we talk about it's not just between romantic partners. Love languages, it's quite literally how we express our love to the people in our lives that we want to express love to. But it's also how we like to be loved by the people in our lives who love us. So it is both. So these love languages are not super old, definitely a newer concept. Alyssa Scolari [06:18]: Like I said, it came out in the nineties, 1992 specifically, the year I was born. So it is as old as I am. It is 30 years old, which is not very old. And if you're listening out there and you think 30 is old, we need to talk. I'm just kidding, kind of, ish. Anyway, so what are the love languages? All right, let's break it down. So we have words of affirmation. We have physical touch. We have receiving gifts. Quality time and acts of service. And we are going to get into what that means. So what are words of affirmation? Well, it seems kind of self-explanatory, but basically it's using your language to tell somebody that you love them. And it's not just, I love you. I love you. I love you. It's more like you are verbally encouraging somebody. You are validating them. You are affirming them. Alyssa Scolari [07:16]: You are actively listening to them and giving them feedback and that feedback is really encouraging. This is the person who is a talker, if you need to just talk through things and you need to hear validation, you need to hear reassurance constantly. You might be a words of affirmation person. That might be your love language. Now, I think it's important to note that I think you can have multiple of these. I think that every relationship needs all of these and I'm not a couple's therapist. So don't quote me on that, but I kind of look at all these and I'm like, "I think that all of them are important." So this isn't to say that you only need one for a relationship to survive, but rather there's usually one of these that rings more true for you than it does for any of the other ones. Alyssa Scolari [08:23]: So folks whose love language is words of affirmation, they really appreciate things like handwritten notes. They like cards for birthdays and anniversaries. They love it when you send them a text in the middle of the day, just, "Hey, I'm thinking about you. I love you." They love that stuff. That is how they feel the most loved. Now, maybe this isn't how you like to receive love, because personally, it's not how I like to receive love and I'm not saying words of affirmation are bad. I like them. They're great. I like when my partner tells me that he loves me, but I don't need it. It's not my oxygen, so to speak. But maybe you are somebody who gives words of affirmation and that is how you communicate your love. So you can have one love language that's your way of communicating, love to others and a totally different love language that's your way of liking to receive love. Alyssa Scolari [09:32]: And that's definitely the case for me. I tend to be a words of affirmation person when it comes to giving love, which honestly does that surprise anybody given the fact that I'm a therapist? Is anybody shocked by this? No, I totally show my love and my care and my concern with my clients and my friends and my husband, by words of affirmation. I'm actively listening. I'm encouraging. I'm affirming people all of the time and this is not with my clients, but with the friends in my life, with the loved ones in my life and with my partner. I will make handwritten cards or I will send an unexpected note. I know I used to do those things when David and I first started dating. I don't so much anymore, although I probably should now that I think about it, but that is something I am much more likely to do. Alyssa Scolari [10:33]: But when I receive things like that, I like it, but it doesn't necessarily just do it for me, if you know what I mean. So the next that we're going to talk about is physical touch. When people hear this, physical touch as a love language, everybody's brain jumps, not everybody but most people's brain jumps to the same thing, which is sex. Or like, "Oh, if you're a love, language is physical touch, then you just want to be having sex all of the time." I've had so many people that I've spoken to about love languages who didn't really understand what physical touch meant. When I say my love language is physical touch because that is my love language, people look at me almost kind of sideways. And I'm like, "That's not what it means." Yes. When it comes to physical touch, sex and intimacy can be a part of it. Alyssa Scolari [11:32]: And that is a part of it, but there are other things that are also really important when it comes to physical touch. And it's more just nonverbal body language. So I like hugging. I kind of like kissing, but I'm more hugging is where it's at for me. But also I like when somebody, when I say somebody I'm talking about David. I like when David will play with my hair or just give me a foot rub or just rub my back, whatever kind of physical touch. Again, non-sexual, I love it. It is the best thing ever to me. Now on the same kind of topic, I don't really appreciate, it's not that I don't appreciate it. But I don't show my love through physical time. You will not see me opening my arms and reaching out to hold somebody and initiating any kind of physical contact. Alyssa Scolari [12:47]: I don't do that. I think because it's definitely partially due to my history of sexual abuse. I like touch, but it's somebody that I have to feel really, really safe with. So I'm not likely to go right to physical touch as a love language for friends or acquaintances or anything like that. And again, it's not that my friends aren't safe. People like my friends are incredibly safe people. It's more so just that I feel like there's a different level of safety that's accessed with David. That just sort of makes me really be able to tap into my desire for physical touch, without having my defenses up or my nervous system kind of reactive as a result of my sexual trauma. So physical touch is my number one. That is my love language, but I am not really one to give a whole lot when it comes to, I guess I should say, I'm not really one to show my love through physical touch. Alyssa Scolari [13:59]: I like to receive through physical touch. So the next one is gift giving, receiving gifts. And this one really, again, is exactly as it sounds, it's putting thought into buying things, not even buying things, making things. It could also be like, "Hey, I made you muffins." When David and I first started dating, we would often bond over our love for food, which honestly we still do. That has never gone away. And where I lived with my parents, there was this really great Italian shop with the best cannolis. And so he also loves blueberry and they made blueberry cannolis. We worked together, we first met at work together. So I would often bring him blueberry cannolis to work. Aside from this though, I'm not much of a gift giver to the point where if I have a close friend whose birthday is coming up, or even if David's birthday is coming up, I panic over what I'm going to get somebody for their birthday. Alyssa Scolari [15:10]: It is such an anxiety thing for me. I'm like, "Okay, well I know this person loves, I don't know, plants. So I think I'm going to get this person a plant. But what if I pick the one plant that they hate, or what if I pick the one plant in the world that they happen to be allergic to?" That is just so my intrusive thoughts. I just think about all the ways in which my gift is going to be the worst thing ever. And so gift giving gives me too much anxiety. I don't like it. I, of course, can receive it. I actually get very overwhelmed when people give me gifts. I will cry, happy tears, but I will still cry. I very much enjoy receiving gifts, but it makes me very emotional that somebody would even think of me and be so kind as to give me a gift. Alyssa Scolari [16:08]: So I definitely enjoy receiving this as a love language, but I have way too much anxiety to be able to really give it. And when I say it, I mean any kind of thoughtful gifts or thoughtful gestures. So then there is quality time. And this is really just when somebody spends uninterrupted time with you. Uninterrupted off of their phone, not on social media and it is one on one time. And this is, I think, a big one for a lot of people. And I think, in particularly, a lot of childhood trauma survivors, especially if there was neglect involved. People really tend to love that one-on-one time. And that's not to say that your childhood trauma is going to drive what your love languages are. That's certainly not the case, or at least there's no research to my knowledge that is supporting of that. Alyssa Scolari [17:15]: But I do think that sometimes it can play a factor. So quality time really is creating special moments. Let's go for a walk. We're going to have date nights every week or every other week. We are going to go to the gym together. We're going to ride into work together or Friday nights, our pizza and movie nights. Again, I think that these things are important for every relationship and friendship. I think quality time is, of course, very important for a friendship. But I think the question is that the most important thing to you? This would be probably my second most important love language aside from physical touch. I also really communicate my love with other people with quality time, "Hey, let's hang out, let's do something. Let's go here. Let's go there." Now that I've recovered a lot from my trauma and I don't have as much anxiety around seeing people. I really am somebody who enjoys quality time. Alyssa Scolari [18:32]: So then there's acts of service. That is the last one, that's certainly not the least. And this is just letting somebody know that you want to help them, lightening their load, doing tasks for them. "Hey, I'm going to take your car. I'm going to go get your oil changed." Or, "Hey, I decided to make dinner tonight because I know you had a really long day." Or it can be even something so small like, "Oh, Hey, I fed the dogs this morning, because I know you had a meeting." It doesn't have to be monumental. It can be very minor. "I made you breakfast. I hung a load of laundry." Could be very small things. Acts of service is absolutely the way that my husband likes to communicate his love for me. He is a huge acts of service guy. Alyssa Scolari [19:30]: He does so much for me, whether it's cooking, whether it's cleaning, taking care of the dogs. He will do anything for me and it is really, really awesome. Now I think in terms of how he likes to receive love, I definitely think it's quality time. I think he really appreciates quality time. So those are the love languages. Now here's what's really important about these love languages is, I think for many, many couples and many different kinds of friendships, love languages can be a little bit difficult because we have to learn a lot about the other person and what their needs are. And it's sort of like, "Well, what do we do when our love languages are completely different?" And I think that when you're with somebody and your love language is totally different than theirs. For trauma survivors, a lot of times for childhood abuse survivors, it can be really, really triggering because we may not necessarily see that. Alyssa Scolari [20:50]: I may not see that my mom's showing me love by acts of service, buying me clothes, cooking for me. I may not see that as love and I may be upset and feeling unloved because I'm not getting hugs or cuddles from my mom. That is sort of a miscommunication. I'm not seeing that you love me because you are not loving me in a way that I can see, you are loving me in a way that only you can see. So this is why love languages are so important. Yes, they're fun to talk about, but they're actually really important for the growth of any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or not. And we have childhood trauma, we are already used to not getting our needs met and our brains are already hypervigilant and extra wired for protection. Alyssa Scolari [21:51]: So as soon as we see that our needs aren't getting met, maybe your love language is quality time and your partner is not making any time for you. They will hang a little laundry and they mow the lawn and they cook, but maybe they haven't planned a date night. Well, here you are triggered feeling abandoned, unloved, maybe worried that something is going wrong in the relationship because your needs aren't getting met. So you are triggered because you can't see that they're expressing love through their way. So I think that it's really important to not only ask yourself, what are my love languages? But to also ask yourself, what are the love languages of those people around me? And you don't even have to ask yourself because if I were you, I would go straight to the source. Go right up to your partner, talk to your friends. What are your love languages? Alyssa Scolari [22:48]: Because once you start to realize, "Oh, Hey, this person never hugs me. I have my best friend. My best friend never hugs me." This is not a true story. "But my best friend never hugs me when she sees me. We see each other twice a year and she never hugs me. She only waves. I feel like she doesn't even want to be my friend." Meanwhile, she might not be hugging you, but she lives in another country and she spent money on a plane ticket, traveled halfway around the world to spend a week with you, quality time or could that be acts of service? Maybe she doesn't hug you when she sees you. But when you guys aren't together, she's texting me all the time, giving you words of affirmation. It is really important to fully assess all of what is going on sometimes when you're feeling triggered or we're feeling unloved. Alyssa Scolari [23:45]: Is it that I'm being unloved right now? Or is this person expressing love to me in a different way? And if that's the case, if somebody is expressing love to you in a way that you don't necessarily receive, that's the time to have a conversation about it. Because I think you have to decide like, "Okay, what do we do and how do we compromise so that we both get our needs met? My husband likes quality time. I like physical touch. So we compromise while we spend quality time together, while we are sitting down on the couch, watching a movie together. I'm getting a foot rub or we're holding hands or he's rubbing my back or he's playing with my hair. How can we compromise on this so that both of our needs get met? Alyssa Scolari [24:42]: It is a really important conversation to have with your friends, with your partners, with your loved ones. But I think one of the really important things here that I also want to say is to not confuse abuse with, "Oh, our love languages aren't the same." Because I see that happens or can happen. Love languages aren't to be thought about when you're in a situation where your partner is abusive or controlling or manipulative. That's not where we want to justify somebody's behaviors based off of love languages. So be careful not to justify abuse based off of somebody's love languages. And this is kind of an egregious example, but just to kind of show you what I'm talking about, it wouldn't be appropriate to say, "Well, when I was a child, we never had any food or hot water in the house, but my mom was always home with us." Alyssa Scolari [26:02]: You don't want to justify neglect. So that is really important because I do think that some people do that, not maybe necessarily with child abuse and neglect, but I do see it happening a lot with romantic partners. "He's mean to me and he talks down to me because words of affirmation aren't his love language. He likes physical touch, or I need to be open to having sex more because his love language is physical touch. Therefore, I can't say no." Those are things to really think about. And I highly recommend talking with a therapist about to make sure, yes, can it be the case that one partner may need to work on their being more intimate, perhaps. But we want to make sure that we talk to a therapist about that and make sure that it's not the case that your partner is pressuring you inappropriately so to have sex. Alyssa Scolari [27:07]: So I hope that makes sense. And I think it's a very, very important takeaway when we talk about the five love languages. So these are really fun. I absolutely love them. And if you don't know what your love language is, there are a gazillion quizzes online that you could take to find out. You can also send the quizzes to your friends, to your partner to be able to find out. And it's a fun way to, I think, get to know each other a little bit more. And again, if you have any questions or concerns like, "Was this abuse? Am I confusing love languages? Is this okay?" Please make sure that you talk to a therapist or to a professional about it. I strongly encourage that. So that was that. That was a wrap on episode 100, which was so fun. Thank you again for being here with me for 100 episodes. I love you all. I am holding you in the light and I will see you next week. Alyssa Scolari [28:17]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over again. That's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you and we appreciate your support.
Alyssa has stepped away from the podcast this week while she works on a very exciting project for you all! This week, we are reaching back into the archives with a timely episode as summer heats up in the Northern Hemisphere! REDUX: Live your best life this summer as Alyssa offers advice to those of us grappling with a fear of wearing shorts, tank tops, and bathing suits this summer. Tune in for some inspiration so that this summer can be one where you embrace the incredible body you have - at any shape and size! Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari: Hey,how's it going? You know what time it is. We are back out it with another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. You know the deal. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari and life is pretty good right now. Just wanted to take a moment to kind of check in with all of you. And sometimes I feel like with the interview episodes, sometimes I feel like my personality or my connection to the audience can get lost in translation, just because I think there's a lot of obviously getting to hear and understand and process the stories and the information from the guest speakers. [00:01:27] So while I absolutely love having guest speakers, I also really want to maintain an authentic connection with all the listeners out there. So, today I was supposed to have a guest speaker come on and unfortunately there was just some kind of confusion in scheduling. So we had to reschedule and I have some free time and I was like, you know what: [00:01:53] "I actually have some things I wanted to talk about." So it's kind of nice to be able to do a solo episode. I have not done one in a while and that is not because I haven't wanted to, but life has been a little bit, how would you say this: wild, insane all over the place, aah I shouldn't say insane. One of the things I've really been trying to work on is trying to avoid the use of certain words. [00:02:25] When we talk about the concept of linguistic evolution, right?.We don't use certain words anymore. I think one of the words that I'm really trying hard to stop using is crazy and insane. So my reactions to things, because I'm such an animated person, my gut response is to always be like, "oh my God, that's crazy." [00:02:45] Or, "oh my God, that's insane." But you know, it can be offensive calling somebody crazy. You know, the word crazy itself has a very negative connotation and was, I think a lot of people who struggled with mental illness were called crazy and I've been called crazy actually. And it's, it cuts pretty deep. [00:03:07] So, that's just my own personal preference. Some people may be listening and may be like, "oh my gosh, that's way too much of a stretch," but that's just something I've been trying to work on. So that was a little tidbit, but life has been so wild. We are in the process of house hunting. And if any of you know anything about this market, it is... [00:03:29] I mean again, I'm not going to say crazy, but it is unlike anything I've ever seen before in my life. People are coming in and offering literally a hundred thousand dollars over asking price for homes, because there's such a high demand for homes. And there simply aren't enough sellers. And we know we've been looking for homes for.... [00:03:50] I want to say coming up on a year now. And it has been a really defeating process. The last couple months in particular, we thought that we had found something and we're still actually not entirely sure if it's going to go through, we don't know. So we may be moving. We may not be moving, but our lives have really been house hunting every spare minute that we get. [00:04:13] And I live in New Jersey as many of you know, but we are looking to move to a different state. So, we're looking to move to Pennsylvania. So I would still be able to commute to my office in New Jersey. It's been so tough and every second has been spent traveling to another state to look at homes and making offers on homes and getting your hopes up and getting deflated essentially when you're told that somebody else came in and offered a hundred thousand dollars over asking price. And it's just, I don't know, it's very defeating. I have wanted to get out of the town that I live in for quite some time. It doesn't hold the best memories for me. [00:04:58] And it's, I think very triggering to live in the same town where a lot of your trauma occurred and no, that's not to say I haven't had some good times in this place. I certainly have, but it's really hard living in a place where you've had traumas because I am reminded every day of my life. So. I really have been itching to get out of this town and get out of this area. [00:05:28] And sadly, it's just not working out, which I have a very hard time with being told no. Or with having to wait. I'm not very patient. I kind of want what I want when I want it, which is something I'm working on. So yeah, it's just been...it's been rough and we want to have a bigger yard for our dogs and it's been, it's been a hard time, you know, things could certainly be worse. [00:05:58] Thank God. My health is improving. I'm healing. I'm getting better. My autoimmune disease is, it appears, knock on wood, to be in remission. I hate to even say that out loud because I'm terrified that I'm going to get a flare up again. You can, if you're curious to hear more about the auto-immune issues that I've been having, you can tune into episode 41. [00:06:21] I believe it is where I talk a little bit more about the autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with. So with all of that said, it's just. It's been a little hectic. So I have not, I feel given my own, I haven't really put the personal touch on a lot of what I do because I really just haven't had the space to do that. [00:06:46] So I appreciate all of your understanding and that I am really working on getting back to adding a little bit more of a personal touch. I was really excited about all the feedback I got for the mini-sode series, the Survive and Thrive stories. It's been so fun and such an honor to be able to read everybody's story. [00:07:08] So please, please, please. If you feel called to do so. Please send in your story to lightaftertrauma@gmail.com. I really, I am just so honored. And so, so many are so funny, those emails that you send and I love it cause I'm a big fan of humor therapy. So I love being able to kind of take what you've been through and take things that are really, really dark and very serious and find kinda some light or some humor in them. Again, that doesn't take away from the seriousness of what happened, but some of y'all just have a really good sense of humor. So I appreciate, hearing your your stories. So with that said, I wanted to come on to talk about an experience that I had today, which felt so liberating. And I think now's a really good time to share this experience. I went to the beach today and that might not seem like a big deal for people who don't struggle with body competence. But for me, that was huge. And I went by myself. First of all, because of the pandemic, I really haven't been to the beach in over a year. [00:08:25] So I have not had to like do the whole bathing suit situation in quite some time. And second of all, I was alone, which is always extra hard for me because it's one of those things where, when you're alone, I think you're more in your head and you feel more like people are looking at you. [00:08:48] So today is, it's a Wednesday. I don't see clients on Wednesdays. It's my day off. And I decided, you know, the weather is beautiful. I'm heading to the beach today. And I packed my stuff up. And I went to the beach all by myself and I struggled. I went with shorts and like kind of an oversized t-shirt and I struggled with whether or not I was going to take my bathing suit off...take my bathing suit off!?!? [00:09:17] Yeah, no, I was not going to do that. Hoping to not end up in jail for public indecency. What I was trying to say is I was debating whether or not I was going to take off my shirt and my shorts and just kind of be in my bikini and it was really a battle. Of course, I had to like look around at the people next to me and kind of size them up and be like, well, are they looking at me? [00:09:45] You know, what are they going to think? But then I just did it, right. I tried to get out of my head and into my body and I was like, what would feel good right now? And what would feel good is to be able to lay down on this huge beach blanket that I have that I think my aunt got me when I was in the fourth grade is still have it because it's amazing [00:10:06] All I want us to do is just chill out on my beach blanket and have that like warm sensation of the sun on your skin, glorious. Well, obviously I can't do that when I'm covered from head to toe and, you know, clothing and not a bathing suit. So I was like, all right. Screw it taking off my clothes. So I did it. [00:10:28] I was in a bikini and. Just as an aside, it was a bikini that I enjoyed. Right. It wasn't a bikini that I bought because I was like, oh, well this is going to cover up the most. So let me just buy this one. This one was so fun. It was like a light blue, like a sky blue with like gold throughout. And it was strapless, which like.... [00:10:57] why am I talking about the details? So I'm talking about the details because I love the bikini and I'm allowed to love the bikini. And I don't think it hit me that I was allowed to love a bathing suit that I was in until today. When I was just laying on that blanket with my toes in the sand and the sun on my body. [00:11:17] And I was like, wow, I really liked this bikini. It's really comfortable. It's really cute. And I'm allowed to like it and you know what you're allowed to like your bathing suit too. So it was, I think really a transcendental moment for me, where I shifted from I'm just gonna wear whatever hides the most of my body to I'm going to wear whatever feels fucking fabulous. [00:11:47] And so I did it now. I struggled a little bit when it came time to like sit up. Right. And I know that there are people out there who can relate to this. So when it came time to sit up, I'm like, oh God, who's going to be looking at the rolls on my stomach. Now, I'm like looking around to see who's looking. [00:12:08] And in fact there was a guy who was, I don't know. He honestly, he was probably like 50 feet away from me. And I noticed that he got up and actually moved his chair further away at one point. And do you know what my eating disorder brain did? Right. Get a load of this shit. My eating disorder brain was like, oh, he probably got up and moved because he couldn't stand the sight of your body. [00:12:34] That is what my brain did. And it's horrible. And it's so body dysmorphic and it's so like eating disordered, but I was able to recognize it and I was able to talk back to it. And I told myself two things. I'm like one...well, I told myself a couple of things. One that's your fucking eating disorder, right. [00:12:57] Two, look at the tide, the tide had significantly risen, so there was much less beach and he probably didn't want his ass sitting in the water because his chair was very low to the ground. So he probably picked up his chair and moved it back so the water didn't hit him. It's still the middle of May. The water in New Jersey is still freezing. [00:13:20] That makes the most sense. What really doesn't make sense is the fact that he would take one look at me from 50 yards away and be so repulsed that he had to get up and move his chair. Like what come on, what is my eating disorder doing? Right. So, you know, at that moment I kind of just laughed at myself and I was like, honestly, Ed, I call my eating disorder, Ed. [00:13:42] It's a little tip that I got from a book that I read called Life Without Ed, by Jenny Schaefer, highly recommended by the way. So I call my eating disorder, Ed, and I was just like, you know what Ed, like, fuck you. Fuck you. Because you're not ruining my perfect day at the beach. And I sat up and that is a very hard thing for me to do. [00:14:05] I used to struggle and take like five minutes to sit up because I would have to have the towel wrapped around my stomach so that nobody could see my rolls because I was so embarrassed. Well, guess what? Today I just fucking sat up and it was so liberating. I sat there and I looked into the ocean and I could feel my stomach rolls, right. [00:14:32] Because who doesn't have a stomach roll when they're bending over or sitting like, that's what our bodies do. Right. Our skin rolls, the fat that we have in our stomach, like rolls, stomach rolls, aren't bad. And I just breathe and I was very, very in tune with my body. I was very in tune with my surroundings and I just didn't care if anybody was looking at me, you know, I ended up having a couple that came and sat actually somewhat close to me closer than what I'm comfortable with for sure. [00:15:11] And honestly, closer than what was necessary, because there was so much space on the beach. I don't know why they needed it to be that close to me, but whatever. I was uncomfortable and I was really just, I, at one point I just stopped caring and I became so much more infatuated with my body and sitting down and processing all of the turmoil. [00:15:36] My body has helped me to survive over the last year of the pandemic and then a whole bunch of things that happened in the middle of that pandemic that were pretty traumatizing. And I was filled with such gratitude, such gratitude for my body. Such gratitude for the tree trunk thighs that I've had my whole life that I have hated my whole life. [00:16:06] I found myself sitting in gratitude for these legs, for my stomach, my belly, for all the scars on my body, the stretch marks that are so natural that almost any body has quite frankly. I was just in gratitude and I felt so at peace with this body, I kind of just sat criss cross applesauce on the beach blanket, which I've never done before at a beach. [00:16:39] I truly, I've never done that before. And it hit me that I have lost so many valuable beach years because I spent time hating my body. There was a time where I would claim that I hated the beach because I simply didn't want to go because I didn't want to be seen. So I would be like, oh, I don't like the sand or I don't like the salty ocean water. [00:17:07] It makes me feel gross. That's such a load of crap. I love the sand, what a wonderful exfoliant. And I love the saltwater. It feels so healing to me. And I used to say for years that I hated the beach because I was terrified of being seen. And I just wasn't today. I was alone with myself, with my body, with nothing to distract me, and I felt completely at ease and there are people who come in my office and they ask me, or there are people who I connect with on social media. [00:17:48] And they ask me questions like, well, Alyssa, why am I doing this work? Why bother trying to recover from an eating disorder? Why bother trying to recover from trauma and it's so that you can have days like I had today where everything just feels okay inside of you, because at the end of the day, that's all that really matters, is that you feel good inside. And when you feel good inside, you care less about what other people are thinking. What other people are saying. It was the first time that I didn't spend my entire trip at the beach just looking at the people around me, wondering what they would think. If I dared to get up and walk over to the water and put my toes in the water, I just did it. I just got up and did it because it was what I wanted to do. And it's so beautiful. And, you know, I know that this will resonate with a lot of you. [00:18:58] And I want you to know that you can get to that spot too. It's a beautiful spot to be in. And I'm not saying that I will never struggle again. I think I absolutely will struggle again. I think that's just part of life, but all the hard work that I've done in trauma and in my eating disorder recovery has helped me get to this moment of truly loving the flesh that I was given, the meat on my body, the weird feet that I have, the you know, crooked smile that I have that some people probably have never noticed. And I notice all the time, I love all of it. And I might not tomorrow, I might wake up full of self-loathing, but today. It was a really, really healing moment for me. [00:19:53] And I want you to know that wherever you're at right now with your body and with yourself, you deserve to wear a bathing suit that you fucking love, and you deserve to go to the beach and to sit and to not have to look around and make sure that people aren't looking at your rolls, you deserve to be able to get to the beach and to take your shorts off. [00:20:18] And to not have to hide your thighs, be so thankful for this body that has gotten you through, if nothing else than just the last year alone of immense loss and sickness and fear and all the other horrible things that the pandemic has brought. Your body has kept you alive throughout it all. And if nothing else go to the beach and celebrate that and rock whatever body you have, because it is glorious, you are glorious and you deserve happiness. [00:21:00] And that's all I have to say about that really. I mean, I know that's a long winded speech. It's a long winded spiel, but I hope that it can help inspire at least one of you in knowing that this summer you literally do not have to suffer or hide yourself. You deserve to be seen on the inside and the outside. [00:21:24] So if this resonates with you, whether you are he or she or they, or anywhere in between, this is your sign that every single body is a beach body. And go where whatever bathing suit you want, have a wonderful summer. Everybody I'm still going to be here. I'm not going anywhere. Still going to be rolling out podcast episodes, but I love you all. [00:21:53] From the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly thankful for your support, for your loyalty, for listening, for being on this journey with me, the highs and the lows of recovery I am with you, you are with me. I feel it every day. And I just feel like I have thousands of new friends and. I'm really grateful. [00:22:17] So thank you all. I love you all. If you haven't done so yet, please feel free to subscribe and leave a review and rating. Most important of those is a rating and subscription to the podcast. And yeah, that's all I got. Have a wonderful week. Go enjoy some sunshine and let's get a pop in the summer and our beach bodies. Love you all. Take care. [00:22:47] Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to light after trauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram. We are at light after trauma and on Twitter. It is at light after pod. And if you're on Facebook, please be sure to join our Facebook group. [00:23:07] It is a private community where trauma survivors are able to connect and chat with one another. That Facebook group is called light after traumas. So just look us up on Facebook and be sure to join. Lastly, please head over to patrion.com/light. After trauma to support our show, we are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. [00:23:32] So please head on over again. That's patrion.com/late after trauma. Thank you. And we appreciate your support. Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram. We are at @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter. It is @lightafterpod. And if you're on Facebook, please be sure to join our Facebook group. It is a private community where trauma survivors are able to connect and chat with one another. That Facebook group is called light after traumas. So just look us up on Facebook and be sure to join. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show, we are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over again. That's patrion.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you. And we appreciate your support.
Happy Pride Month! The month of June (and every month!) is a great time to celebrate the beauty of the LGBTQPIA+ community. In this week's episode, Alyssa notes that while we certainly have come a long way in gaining rights for the LGBTQPIA+ community, there is still very far to go in terms of achieving true equality. For example, many of our states still recognize the lethal "Gay Panic Defense". Alyssa also includes a personal note on her own experience with coming out for the first time this year. Source Material: https://people.com/human-interest/pride-month-explained-pride-month-facts/ https://lgbtqbar.org/programs/advocacy/gay-trans-panic-defense/ Donate to the Human Rights Campaign Donate to The Trevor Project Donate to the National Center for Transgender Equality Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:24]: Everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari. Super excited to be here because it is Pride Month. And that is exactly what we are talking about. This episode, we are talking about Pride. We are talking about the importance of Pride, and we are talking about why we need to continue to advocate for the LGBTQ community. I'm really, actually, a little bit anxious about today's episode, because I am going to be talking about things that I have never spoken about before. And so I'm a little bit nervous as we get into it, but we are just going to dive right in. Although before we do that, just some housekeeping stuff. So if you have not done so already, please leave a review for the podcast. Reviews, ratings go such a long way in terms of helping the podcast to reach a greater audience. And I really feel strongly that everybody deserves some kind of access to free mental health education, information, and support. Alyssa Scolari [01:43]: So the more reviews and ratings we have, the greater access people can have to this podcast. And it would mean the world to me. So if you have not done so already, please do so. I would greatly appreciate it. Also, if you are interested in becoming a Patreon member, you can check out the show notes where you can just click right on the link and you can donate as little or as much as you would like to the podcast. You can become a monthly Patreon member, or you could just do a one time donation, anything would be greatly appreciated. And all of the money that you donate goes directly in to helping fund the podcast and helping to keep the machine going, essentially. It costs roughly anywhere from $800-$900 a month to fund this podcast, between all of the software that we have to pay for and the editing. That is what it costs. So, again, this is not me complaining about the price. I am really fortunate enough to be in a place where I can do this, but if you are able and willing to give any amount would be greatly appreciated. Alyssa Scolari [03:04]: I hope everyone is off to a grand old week. I am doing pretty good, had a good day today. It's kind of late when I'm recording this, it's about 9:30 at night, which is pretty late for me to be doing any sort of work. But I had a burst of energy and I felt like I had a lot to say. And I was like, "I'm just a little anxious about this discussion today. You know what, we're doing it." So I made myself a cup of hot tea and here we are chatting today. So I think that as I get into this conversation, people are going to have one of two thoughts. And I think the first thought people might have is, "Why are we talking about Pride and the LGBTQ+ community on a trauma focused podcast?" And the second question people might have is, "This podcast has been going on for almost two years and I've not heard anything like this. We've never talked about this on this podcast before. Why now? Why now?" Alyssa Scolari [04:22]: And I'm going to answer that question, but first we're going to answer the question of why is this topic on a trauma focused podcast? Truthfully, I don't know the background that you come from wherever you're listening from. I don't know. I do know this though. Some people think, they have this thought of like, "Oh, okay, it's 2022 and all LGBTQ+ people are accepted and there's no need for any of this Pride or anything like that." And then other people, I think, live in environments and communities where it's in their face every single day, just how far we still have to go in terms of getting equality for this community. Now I want to address the people who might feel like we do have equality because unfortunately we just don't. Things are becoming maybe a little bit better, although in some ways I absolutely question even that. It feels like we are going back decades. Alyssa Scolari [05:40]: I know that we're a little bit better in terms of representation, but we're still not there. Growing up, how likely are we to see, when we watch movies we see straight families. When we read books, it's about straight families. Everybody identifies as either male or female. The male and the female get together. They get married, they have children, they usually have one boy, one girl. Anytime we so much as maybe pick out Christmas cards and we're looking at stock images online and we see the same kind of family members in stock images. We see a man, we see a woman that we presume are the husband and the wife and then we see their very straight children. Non-gender, queer, male, female. What have you? It is so rare for any of us, even today to pick a movie out and have it be a movie where there are two dads or a movie where there are two moms or a movie where a child is transgender. Alyssa Scolari [06:57]: It's so rare to go on the internet and search family photos and see families that look any different than a man and a woman and their children. We still have churches who are vehemently against the LGBTQ community. I actually, today, saw an image surface as a reaction to Pride Month. Somebody who doesn't believe that LGBTQ folks should have rights, drew this photo and it's a response to the Pride rainbow flag. The rainbow that is the symbol of Pride and the symbol of LGBTQ folks. Somebody actually drew a picture of a man and a woman. Alyssa Scolari [07:47]: And in between the man and the woman, they're holding hands with their two kids. They're little stick figures and they're holding an umbrella and they're shielding themselves and their children from basically a rainbow flag, rain that looks like it's coming down. All that image is to say, "We don't believe in this. We don't respect these people. And we are going to do everything in our power to shield ourselves and our children from the LGBTQ community." It is still so dangerous out there for folks who identify as LGBTQPIA+. Homophobia and transphobia and the like have dated back for centuries and part of the reason, well, the main reason that we have Pride Month is because of what happened in the Stonewall Uprising. So for those of you who don't know, the date was June 28th, 1969 in New York City's West Village. Alyssa Scolari [09:01]: The police raided a very popular gay bar that was called the Stonewall Inn. Now this was super normal for the time. This was super normal. Police did raid gay bars and gay facilities and they got arrested and this time the patrons of the Stonewall Inn fought back. And what this started was a series of riots that went on for days of people protesting these riots, from people that were saying, "I deserve to have my rights. I deserve to be seen and heard. I deserve to have equality. And I matter." This was historic. And in fact, President Barack Obama in 2016, declared the Stonewall Inn a historic landmark, which is so cool because these Stonewall Riots were historic and they paved the way for people in the LGBTQ community to achieve their equality. Alyssa Scolari [10:11]: And then the year after the uprising was when the first Pride parade began and it was in June so that is where the tradition of Pride comes from. So it is so much more than just people getting together and saying, "Oh, Hey, we like the month of June." No, this is a yearly celebration. It's a yearly remembrance. It is an honor for the people who fought for LGBTQ community members to have their rights. So nearly 10 years after that was when the Pride flag was first created and it was created by a man named Gilbert Baker. And Gilbert was asked to create a symbol of Pride by a man whose name is Harvey Milk. Now Harvey Milk was the first openly gay elected politician in the United States. So he asked Gilbert to create a flag that symbolized Pride and we have the rainbow flag. Now the rainbow flag actually started out with a few more colors and then had less colors. Today, each of the colors stands for something very specific. Alyssa Scolari [11:23]: So according to a People article, red is the symbol of life. Orange is the symbol for healing. Yellow is symbolic for sunshine. Green is symbolic for nature. The blue is representative of harmony and the purple is representative of spirit. I believe the original flag was eight colors, but it is now six. As far as we've come, though, we still have so much further to go. I want to talk to you about something called the gay panic defense, and this is going to help you really get an understanding for just how far we have to go in terms of equality and just basic human rights for LGBTQ folks. So what is the panic defense, the LGBTQ panic defense or the gay panic defense? It is a freaking legal strategy and get ready because if you haven't heard of this is going to knock your fucking socks off. The gay panic defense is a legal strategy. Alyssa Scolari [12:43]: So basically what that strategy does is it asks a jury to take into account a victim's sexual orientation or their gender identity and take into account that their orientation or their identity is to blame for a defendant's violent reaction. Victim blaming much? And yes, you heard me correctly. Basically, gay panic is a legal strategy that is asking the jury to consider the fact that somebody being gay or somebody being transgender or non-binary is the reason and a good enough reason why somebody may have attacked them in a hate crime. It's basically like the offender is saying that they went like temporarily insane. They had a gay panic or a trans-panic that caused them to violently attack the victim. Tell me that's not abso-fucking-lutely insane. Alyssa Scolari [13:57]: And what's even more fucking insane is that this gay panic defense actually fucking works. It works. It has been used to get people off in the courts. People can attack people simply because they are lesbian or gay or transgender. They can then show up in court and they can say that they panicked because of somebody's gayness or because somebody's transgender and the jury can go, "Oh, okay. That sounds reasonable. You're off the hook because you had a gay panic." It makes my blood boil. It makes my blood boil. And the worst part about it is that the gay panic defense is only banned in 17 states in the United States. Meaning the rest of the country's, or I'm sorry, the rest of the states in the United States of America, if they aren't considering passing the gay panic defense, they've already passed it. The majority of the states in this country are perfectly fine with the gay panic defense. And that right there goes to show you why we need Pride Month and why we are talking about this on a trauma focused podcast. Alyssa Scolari [15:22]: Because people in the LGBTQ community are being murdered, are being targeted, are being killed simply because of who they are and our laws are basically saying that it's okay. According to lgbtqbar.org, in 2019 alone, there were 1,656 hate crimes. And this is just what we know of because there are so many more that go unreported. But just in 2019, there were 1,656 hate crimes against people for either their sexual orientation or their gender identity. And this statistic makes up 18.8% of hate crime incidents, like single bias hate crime incidents. According to research, also from lgbtqbar.org, one out of five lesbian, gay and bisexual people in the United States will experience a hate crime in their lifetime. And more than one out of four transgender people will. We know that transgender people are targeted and they're even more likely to be targeted if they are part of a non-white race. And I got to say, lately, it just feels like things are getting worse for the LGBTQ community and we need Pride more than ever. Alyssa Scolari [16:51]: I mean, look at what's happening in Florida with the 'Don't Say Gay' bill. And in Texas, where it is now considered a social services call to have a child seek transgender affirming care. It is just an absolute nightmare. And with greater and greater access to what's going on in the world through social media, kids are bearing witness to all of this and it is very clear to so many kids that it is still not safe for them to be who they are. We need Pride because there are kids and adults out there who would rather take their own lives than be out and proud about who they are because of the hate that exists and I see it every day in my practice. I see it. It is absolutely heartbreaking. There is little to no representation in schools. Teachers will get reprimanded if they say anything about it because it's considered a taboo topic, which it absolutely shouldn't be. Alyssa Scolari [18:05]: And overall, kids just feel so isolated, growing up feeling like there is nobody who represents them, feeling like it's not okay to be a part of the LGBTQ community and it is devastating. So we need Pride more than ever. And now I think to address the second question that I talked about in the beginning of this episode. The question being, why have I waited two years to talk about this? In August, the podcast will have been alive for two years, which boggles my mind to even say, and I haven't talked about this. And trust me, it's not because I don't care and it's not because it's low on my priority list. Anybody who knows me knows that the LGBTQ community is actually top priority for me. But what I'm going to say is this, and this is going to come with a warning. So if you are listening to this and you know me personally, I would think very carefully about how much you want to know about me, because I'm going to share some stuff. Alyssa Scolari [19:35]: So think about it. Feel free to hit pause and talk to me about it, because I know I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who listen to the podcast who know me personally, and you're going to learn some stuff. All right, there is your fair warning. If you are continuing to listen to this and you know me personally, you better come talk to me about this. So anyway, part of, I think, the reason why I haven't talked about this yet is you are going to notice a pattern with me, not really a pattern, but I only talk about things as I'm ready to talk about them. I bring to this podcast a level of vulnerability mixed in with my expertise and that vulnerability is really hard for me. And I have to be comfortable sharing, I have to be comfortable. And I haven't been comfortable because I have been grappling with basically where I fall in terms of the LGBTQ community. Alyssa Scolari [20:50]: Because quite honestly, I can't deny that I'm part of it. And I think it's taken me a long time to get to a place where I've been comfortable talking about it. And so I knew that one day I would share this, but I needed to give myself time to be ready and to feel comfortable and safe and secure. I grew up in this really small conservative Catholic town. Where it is so not that okay to be gay and looking back on the way I grew up, I would've never in a million years have admitted or even given myself the opportunity to explore the fact that I might be anything other than a straight, blonde girl, who's going to find a dark, tall, handsome husband and live happily ever after. I really didn't get to explore the different parts of me until I left my hometown. Alyssa Scolari [22:14]: And then I really got to reflect back on my childhood and as I did so, it really hit me that I am so not straight, so not straight. I definitely was interested in both women and men my whole life. I remember being a kid and being interested in women, but kind of writing it off and just ignoring that part of me because in my brain it was only okay to be attracted to men. And so looking back on it, I'm like, "Oh man, I was not straight. I liked women and I liked men." I was absolutely bisexual. And I remember being in high school and playing around a little bit with my gender. There was a time in high school, I think I was a sophomore. And I went to school dressing masculine and I changed my name. Alyssa Scolari [23:31]: And people were calling me Sam and I think I was definitely experimenting at the time. I remember it being like a joke with my friends and my friends were all calling me that. And I was just pretending to be a guy, whatever that means. I was acting more masculine, listen, it didn't last long. It maybe lasted a week before I was like, "Okay, this isn't me." But looking back on it that actually wasn't a joke. I was definitely experimenting with my gender. And I think that after that, I became pretty firm in my identity as a woman, with pronouns that feel comfortable to me, which are she and her, but I was still super unclear about my sexual preference. And looking back, I did some really questionable things in my childhood and my teenage years and my young adult years that I could look back on it now. Alyssa Scolari [24:41]: And I'm like, "Yeah, I don't know how nobody saw that one." Maybe people did. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't think so. But I just think it's so funny to look back on and like, "Man, there was no part of me that was a straight woman. I definitely swung both ways and I'm okay with it. I'm okay talking about it." That's the other thing we have to talk about. [inaudible 00:25:10] I'll touch on when it comes to bisexuality. Yes, I married a man. So me coming on here and talking about my preferences and who I'm attracted to doesn't make me any less in love with my husband. My husband is the person I am a 100% committed to, 110%. There's never a question of that. So I think that a lot of people have this idea in their heads that, "Oh, you know, you're already married, but then you're coming out as bisexual. Well, what does that mean? Does that mean that you don't want to be with your partner?" Alyssa Scolari [25:45]: None of that is true. Just because you find somebody and you get married doesn't mean that your sexual preference changes. I was bisexual before I got married. I just didn't know it and I'm still the same way. But the person that I choose to spend my life with is my husband. Doesn't mean that my sexual preferences or that who I'm attracted to has to change because I've gotten married. Just because you marry somebody doesn't mean you stop finding people attractive. No, that's not the case at all. So all that's to say, people who come out a little bit later in life as being bisexual after they're married or whatever, it doesn't mean anything about their marriage. Alyssa Scolari [26:37]: It doesn't mean anything at all. People who are bisexual, if they want to get married, well, chances are they're either going to marry a man or a woman or a non-binary person. But just because they marry a non-binary person doesn't mean all of a sudden they're no longer attracted to women. Just because they marry a non-binary person doesn't mean that they're no longer attracted to men. So I hope that makes sense. It has absolutely nothing to do with my marriage. David is the best thing that ever happened to me. I think that the importance of this kind of coming out for me is about claiming or reclaiming who I was when I didn't get the opportunity to be that person. I didn't get the opportunity to come to terms with that when I was younger, but I get to come to terms with it now. And it's really exciting and anxiety provoking. And it just feels like I'm letting the inner child in me have the freedom to label herself however she wants for the first time. And that is a beautiful thing. And that is part of why Pride matters. Alyssa Scolari [28:09]: That is part of why we fight to have equal rights. That is part of why we fight to be seen and heard and respected. So that's why it's taken me a little while to talk about this. I do things at my own paces. I have a lot of respect for myself and my process. And that is why it is not because I haven't cared or acknowledged it. Again, the people who are closest to me know how passionate I am and have always been about the LGBTQ community. And now I understand why, now I understand why. So, with that being said, what can we do? We know that people in the LGBTQ community are experiencing trauma and being denied their rights every single day, still we've come a long way. We have a lot further to go. I just encourage you to get involved and I don't know what that means for you. Maybe that looks like further education and research on this community. Maybe that looks like attending town halls. Alyssa Scolari [29:24]: Maybe that looks like attending parades or marches. Maybe that looks like donating. If you are able to donate, there are some amazing organizations that you can contribute to and they include the Human Rights Campaign, The Trevor Project and the National Center for Trans Equality, just to name a few. I will link those three in the show notes and I am also going to link the two articles that I used in today's episode. You can find all of that in the show notes. I hope that you enjoy today's episode. It was a tough one for me. It's hard to be this vulnerable. I thank you for listening. I thank you for being here. I hope you have a fantastic week and I am holding you in the light. Speaker 2 [30:17]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma, and on Twitter it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. To support our show, we are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you and we appreciate your support.
This week brings the final episode in a series of discussions on setting boundaries. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, this week's discussion centers on the following: - 6 areas where setting boundaries is necessary - 3 steps to set healthy boundaries -What to do after setting boundaries -How to manage people's reactions to your boundaries Order Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast, the full episode this week. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari, and I am so happy to be here for a full episode. If you listened to the mini episode that I put out last week, well, it wasn't even an episode. It was just a brief announcement. My husband and I have been recovering from COVID. We both went all this time without getting it, and then we went to a wedding. One of our really good friends got married, and the wedding was so much fun. But the next day, part of the wedding party had woken up and tested positive for COVID. And then a few days after, David tested positive for COVID, and then I tested positive. Alyssa Scolari: So it was not fun. I will say I am very glad that I have had the privilege of being both vaccinated and boosted, because I do not want to know what COVID would've looked like if I did not have the vaccine. It wasn't scary, but it was almost just like, "Whoa. I can't believe this feels this bad even with the vaccine." It felt like the flu. Thankfully, neither of us had to go to the hospital. Neither of us had any issues with breathing or anything like that. And we are both on the mend. Alyssa Scolari: Today is actually one of the first days that I have my voice back. And my voice might sound a little bit off. I don't know. It doesn't to me. But I had lost my voice and couldn't really work or do anything. So it's been a little relaxing, but also boring, but also just irritating being sick when it was Memorial Day weekend and then it was a really beautiful summer weather. And there was just so many things we wanted to do. And we were supposed to have a house warming party with all of our friends, and we had to cancel that. And it's just been a bummer. Alyssa Scolari: But again, I'm just very happy to be healthy and I'm very thankful that we are both on the mend. So thank you for bearing with me. There was no way I was going to be able to put out an episode, because I was just feverish and had no voice. But we are back with another part, well, another episode on boundaries. So it's like a three part series or a three episode series. I am fairly certain this will be the last one. We're going to see how much we get into today. Alyssa Scolari: But if you have not listened to the other two episodes, you can go back and listen. We are talking about boundaries. And a lot of the information that I am sharing today is going to be based off of Nedra Tawwab's book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. And that is the same book that I used in the previous two episodes. Boundaries, as I've said before and I'll say it again, I believe, are the most important tool for not just healing from trauma, but for honestly just existing and living a peaceful life. Alyssa Scolari: That's more of a personal belief. I think a lot of people would agree with me, honestly. So we're talking about it, because as important as they are, it's also incredibly difficult for us to set them. Alyssa Scolari: So in the first episode that we did about boundaries, we talked a lot about what are they and why are they so important and what types of boundaries exist out there. And then in the second episode, so the episode that went out two weeks ago, we talked about why it is so difficult for us to set boundaries and how we can look past that, how we can push past our fears and our anxieties that come up around setting boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: Today, we are going to get a little bit more into the nitty gritty of how specifically do I do this with the people in my life. All right. So let's get right into it. Alyssa Scolari: So in the first episode that we did, we talked about how there are three different types of boundaries, right? There's rigid, porous, and healthy. Well, in addition to that, there are six different areas in life where it's very important to be able to set boundaries, right? Alyssa Scolari: Now, number one, and this is going to come as no surprise to many people, it's important to set sexual boundaries. That is very important. Now, of course, I should note this. You cannot set sexual boundaries where there is a crime occurring. So a child cannot set a sexual boundary with an adult when there is sexual assault or rape going on or child sexual abuse. Alyssa Scolari: That is not what we are talking about. We are talking about consensual sex. Boundaries are important. Being able to communicate with your partner or partners what you do, like, what you don't like, or even just saying, "No, thank you. I am not in the mood to have sex right now," or even just being able to ask the other person, "Can you tell me what you like? Do you like it when I do this?," right? That is a discussion of, "Hey, what are your boundaries, so that I know what they are, so that I don't cross them?" So sexual boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: Then there are time boundaries. So this is, I think, a huge one for so many people, right? Classic example is the person who is constantly picking up the phone for everybody else, but then, at the end of the day, has no time left over for themselves. Time boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: And then physical boundaries. This, I often think of as even public displays of affections. Some people don't mind. Some people hate it. I'm not a huge PDA person. I don't particularly enjoy it, right? So let's say you're in a relationship with a partner who is always kissing you in front of everyone and always wants to rub your back. It's very important to be able to set those boundaries and say, "Please do not rub my back in public. It makes me uncomfortable." Alyssa Scolari: And other physical boundaries can also just be, even when it comes to children, right, for allowing your child to say when they want to hug somebody and when they don't. Or even as adults, there are times where I will see the same group of friends, and I love them, but I might not necessarily be in the mood for hugging or physical touch. So sometimes, I will hug everybody in the room. Sometimes, I will not. And it's okay. Nobody really bats an eyelash either way, because everybody is cool with respecting one another's boundaries. So those are physical boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: We have sexual, time, physical, and then we have intellectual boundaries. Intellectual boundaries, this can be a little bit more complex. But the best way I can put it is by giving examples. So an intellectual boundary can be crossed with a child if an adult is having an inappropriate conversation with a child, right? If a young child is learning about something sexual before they are ready to hear that, or even in the case of oversharing, right? If parents are fighting and the one parent turns the child and starts venting to the child about the other parent, that is crossing an intellectual boundary. Alyssa Scolari: Now, between adults, this can look a little bit differently. So this can look like belittling people for what their beliefs are, mocking people for their beliefs. I've seen a lot of people mock Christianity. And while I personally do believe that parts of Christianity can be harmful depending on the interpretation of the Bible, because everybody interprets the Bible differently, that's an episode for another time. But a lot of people mock Christianity and they mock Christians, and that can be an intellectual boundary. Or I've seen it reversed. I've seen people who are Christian mock people who have no belief. A lot of people like to mock people who are Jewish. They belittle their faith. Alyssa Scolari: So it happens across the board. Whether you believe in something don't believe in something, no matter what religion you are, this happens. And that is an intellectual boundary violation, as is when people will shut down over disagreements. So let's say that you're in a disagreement with somebody, and let's say you're in a little disagreement over what restaurant you want to go to. And the one person's like, "Oh, I want to go to Applebee's." And the other person's like, "Well, I want to go to Wendy's." And you talk for a little while and you decide, "All right, we're going to Applebee's." Well, you get there and you sit down with the other person and they're completely quiet, and they're on their phone the whole time, and they're not looking at you, and they're making zero communication. They're just completely shut down. That is an example of an intellectual boundary violation. I am denying you the right to have communication with me, to have an intellectual discussion with me, because I'm mad at you. It's a passive aggressive boundary violation. Alyssa Scolari: So there are also emotional boundary violations where people can dismiss your feelings, or people will turn around and spill your secrets. You share something, you share the way you feel with somebody, and then they tell you they're not going to say anything, but then they go home and then they call their friend right away and they tell their friend. And before you know it, half the world knows your secret. Those are emotional boundary violations. Gossip is an emotional boundary violation, things like that. Alyssa Scolari: And then there are material boundary violations. So people going through your journal or destroying your property, or people borrowing your car and not filling it up with gas when they return it to you, or people using your kitchen and making an absolute mess that you have to go clean up, those are material violations. You holding something in your hand and somebody wants to see it, so they just snatch it out of your hand without asking you when that thing belongs to you, that is a material violation. Alyssa Scolari: So those are some of the categories. Well, those are the main categories that boundaries can fall into when it comes to setting them. So let's talk about what it means to set a boundary. Alyssa Scolari: In order to set a boundary, you have to have good communication. And there are four different ways that you can communicate. You can communicate passively, passive aggressively, aggressively, or assertively. Alyssa Scolari: Now, passive communication is you really don't say anything. What passive means is you sit on the feelings and you eat your own feelings and sit with them because you don't want those feelings to come out. So you just keep it to yourself and deal with it and don't say anything. Alyssa Scolari: Passive aggressive is when you do things to get the other person to notice that you are upset, or you try to deny the other person something. You harm the relationship without directly saying exactly what's wrong. We've talked about passive aggressive behaviors in the other two episodes, so we're not going to really get into examples. But I'm pretty sure we all know what passive aggressive behavior is. It's that person who is trying to communicate that something's wrong, but they'll never actually come out and say something's wrong. They will just act in different ways or say different things that let you know that there's an issue. Alyssa Scolari: And then there's aggressive communication, which can be threatening and can involve yelling or cursing, or it can even become physical. Alyssa Scolari: And then there's assertive. This, again, I'm sure is a no brainer. We want the assertive communication. Assertive communication, it's not passive, not passive aggressive. It's not aggressive. It is none of those things. But instead, it is clear, it is firm, and it is unapologetic, and it is also respectful. And that is something that I think people struggle with a lot when they're triggered. It's really, really hard to come across as assertive when they are upset or triggered. I know it is for me, which is why I think taking time, when you're getting ready to set a boundary with somebody, taking time, jotting down, what you want to say, thinking about it, maybe tweaking it a little bit, I think that that is helpful for me when I have to set a boundary, because if not, then my words can come out... Alyssa Scolari: I'm trying to think. I feel like I want to say I could be aggressive, not in a physical way, but probably in a verbal way, because all my emotions flood out of me. So assertive behavior is the way to go. Alyssa Scolari: So how do we do that? Step one is all about your tone and your use of language. So again, it is so important to have a neutral tone. You don't have to be super animated. And I think this is where I struggle, because I'm a little bit more animated. And sometimes, that can come off as aggressive or too much. It is so important to be neutral, but also very, very clear. Alyssa Scolari: And you don't want to have too much jargon. You want to be really, really concise. Some people, because they get so nervous when they're setting boundaries, they tend to just talk and talk and talk. And I absolutely used to do this, right? If somebody asked me if they could borrow my laptop and I didn't want them to, I would say, "Well, I spent a lot of money on this laptop. And in order for me to really feel comfortable giving it away, I have to know what you're going to be doing on it. How long are you going to need it for? If you're going to need it for more than 30 seconds, it's going to be really hard for me, because I have to do this and that." And I would just go on and on and on, as opposed to being straight to the point. Alyssa Scolari: And when you go on and on and you have too much jargon, people might not get it, or people are going to see loopholes. People are going to say, "Okay, well you said this. So if I do this, then can I have the laptop?" So you want to be concise. You want to cut the jargon. You want to have a neutral tone. Alyssa Scolari: And here's the other thing, and this is a hard one for some people. You don't want to say things like, "Maybe," "Kind of," "I don't know," right? This goes into step number two, right? And step number two is directly stating your need. So number one, being clear and neutral and concise. Number two is directly stating your need. And in doing both of those things, we really want to leave out the language that suggests that you could possibly change your mind. I really like to let people down easily. So I am famous for being like, "I don't really think so," or "Not at this time," or, "Unfortunately, it doesn't look like we'll be able to go, or, "Maybe not now. Maybe some other time. I am famous for that, because I don't want to sound mean by setting a boundary. Alyssa Scolari: But here's the thing that I need to remember and that you need to remember, and that is that setting boundaries, it's not a mean thing at all. It is a way to give you the peaceful and happy life that you want. And if somebody can't respect your boundaries, that is a sign that you needed to set those boundaries in the first place. Alyssa Scolari: So I have really been practicing on this one. And I set a boundary with a family member a few months ago. They asked me to go somewhere, and I didn't want to go. I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't feel safe going. And so normally. I would feel the need to be like, "Oh, well, we have plans and we can't go because blah, blah, blah." But instead, I directly said, "Thank you for the offer. We can't make it. Have a good time." Alyssa Scolari: Now, this person did not respect my boundary in the slightest. And this person said some pretty nasty stuff back. But it doesn't matter, because I did what I needed to do to keep myself safe. And quite frankly, this person reacting the way they did was really no surprise, because I needed to set that boundary a long time ago. Alyssa Scolari: So let's go into a few more examples. How about somebody, the person in your family who's constantly talking about weight and in front of you, right? You go out to dinner with somebody and they're like, "Oh, I got to get back to it tomorrow. And Monday, I'm going to step on the scale again." You can say something like, "I feel uncomfortable when you talk about weight. Please stop." Alyssa Scolari: Let's say you have a roommate or a friend or even a child who borrows your car, and they come back and they never have the tank filled up. You can say, "I need you to fill my car up with gas after you use it." That's it. You're not even asking, right? You don't even want to ask, because then you give people the option of saying no. Some people will try to set boundaries by being like ... And by some people, I totally mean me, right? Some people will be like, "Oh, well, do you think that you could please fill up my car with gas?" You give them the option to say no. There should not be an option to say no when it comes to you setting a boundary for yourself. You are directly stating your need or your request, or you're directly saying no. Alyssa Scolari: So again, this might sound harsh, especially for those of us who struggle with setting these, but these tools are life saving. And you have to remember and tell yourself over and over and over again that you are not being mean. Alyssa Scolari: Let's say you have a family member who loves to talk. Let's say your mom. Let's say your mom. Let's say you have a brother, and your mom loves to talk to you and gossip to you about your brother. Your mom's always complaining about your brother, your brother this, your brother that, "Your brother never comes around anymore. I haven't seen your brother in weeks," things like that. And you don't want to hear it anymore. All you have to say is, "Mom, I really don't like it when you talk to me about my brother. Please stop." And that's it. That is it. You are not at all being mean when you say those things. Alyssa Scolari: The biggest fear here, when you make a request, when you say no, when you state a need, the biggest fear is in how people are going to respond, which is why step three is dealing with the emotions that come after setting the boundary, whether that be guilt, whether that be anxiety, whether that be fear or awkwardness or discomfort. Alyssa Scolari: And Nedra makes a really good point in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. She makes a really good point of saying, "It's almost impossible to set boundaries without guilt, because we live in a society that has just set us up to feel like we need to give of ourselves all the time, because when we give of ourselves, we have nothing left over for us. And therefore we get sicker, and therefore this world profits off of us. So it really is like a win-win situation for the world that we live in for us to not have boundaries." Alyssa Scolari: So in a society that teaches us that boundaries are mean, it's not really likely that you're going to be able to set them without guilt. I have yet to set a boundary without feeling some level of guilt, and I always have to work through it. Guilt, awkwardness, fear, discomfort, it's so important to work through that. And how do you do that? By telling yourself a lot of what we're talking about, by reminding yourself of what we are talking about here today. Alyssa Scolari: Another thing that really helps for me is to talk to my therapist about it, because my therapist is really good at reassuring me. So talk, if it's not to your therapist, talk to somebody else who really understands boundaries and who gets it. But for the love of God, please don't talk to somebody who isn't good with boundaries, because if you do that, you're only going to feel worse. I would make the mistake all the time of talking to somebody. Alyssa Scolari: I would set a boundary with somebody, and I'd feel really guilty. So I'd pick up the phone and call somebody who also was terrible at setting boundaries. And then they would be like, "Oh, well, why did you do that? That sounded a little bit mean." And then I would feel horrible and I would backtrack in my boundary setting. Alyssa Scolari: So think about if it's bringing stuff up from childhood. Talk to your therapist about it. Ask yourself, "What does this mean about me? Where is this coming from? Did I get yelled at when I was younger for setting boundaries? Was I allowed to have boundaries when I was younger?" For a lot of us, this boundary work is childhood trauma recovery, because a lot of us wouldn't know a boundary if we fell over it when we were younger. The majority of us have had our boundaries violated over and over again as children. So it's so important to seek support when you are setting boundaries. Alyssa Scolari: If the boundary ruins the relationship, I hate to say this, but the relationship was doomed anyway. It really was. I have set so many boundaries, especially this past year. And in some cases, those boundaries have worked out just fine and I've gotten through it. And in other cases, those boundaries ruined the relationship. And you know what? I'm not even surprised, because that relationship was doomed anyway. The important thing is to not assume that it's your fault. Alyssa Scolari: But here's the thing. Don't assume that people in general aren't going to honor your boundaries. Go into this with the attitude that, "Why wouldn't people respect my boundaries?" Assume people are going to honor your boundaries and act normally, because when you start assuming people are going to behave weirdly, then you almost set yourself up for another self-fulfilling prophecy. And we've talked about self-fulfilling prophecies in a previous episode. You set yourself up to then you almost end up making the situation uncomfortable, because you think it's going to be awkward. So then you bring a level of awkwardness to it. So then it is awkward. Alyssa Scolari: So don't go into it assuming anything. If anything, try to go into setting boundaries completely detached from how people are going to react. Try to detach yourself. Try to not take any kind of responsibility or even give a whole lot of energy to people's reactions, because if you do keep giving energy to it, it's going to make you not want to set the boundary. And then it's going to just keep you in a relationship that isn't fully serving you. So try not to be so tied to the way other people are going to react, because you're not setting this boundary to see somebody's reaction. You're setting this boundary so that you can feel safer in the relationship. So you don't need to give your energy to how people are going to react. Easier said than done, I know. Alyssa Scolari: But it's also important to just be okay with how people react. Like I said, it's not personal. Their reactions, their emotions, they're entitled to. They're entitled to all of it. Everybody's entitled to their opinion. Everybody. But it doesn't mean that their emotions are or opinions is something that you need to take on. Alyssa Scolari: Now, when you set a boundary, it is so important, because honestly, setting the boundary, just setting it, I hate to say this, but that's actually one of the easier things to do when it comes to boundary work, setting it first. All right. Great. You did it. The real hard work comes in in upholding the boundary. You need to religiously uphold your boundary, right? Alyssa Scolari: If you have a friend that's like, "Hey, can you come out tonight?" "No, thank you. I want to stay inside tonight. I'm not really in the mood to go out." Your friend's like, "Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?" You need to say no time and time and time again. Or in the case of a friend who is borrowing your car, when you say, "I need you to fill the car up with gas when you return it to me," let's say this person says, "Okay. No problem." They borrow the car the next week. They bring the car back, and there's no gas in it. Do you let it go? No. Not even just for one time do you let it go, because, remember, people thrive off of you not having boundaries. If you give people an inch, they will take it a mile. That is just human nature. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It's just human nature. So if you set a boundary and somebody violates that boundary even one time, you need to call it out immediately. Alyssa Scolari: You try not to take it personally, right? Because for a lot of people, boundary violations, it's not about you. It could be about other people living out some other childhood stuff, right? Testing limits, kids love to test limits. So do adults. We never grow out of that. It's not personal. But it is your responsibility to religiously uphold that boundary. Alyssa Scolari: "Hey, Mom. I know I told you last week when we talked on the phone that I don't want to hear you talking about my brother anymore. I have to ask you again to please stop." Now, if that person still doesn't respect that, "Hey, friend. I asked you when we were at dinner last week to please refrain from talking about weight. It makes me uncomfortable. I also asked you two weeks ago. And you're still doing this." Alyssa Scolari: Well, now, what do you do? Well, now, you kind of ... Not kind of, right? There I go again with my indirect language. You put in a consequence, not necessarily punitive, right? Not really punitive sounding, but a consequence that's going to protect you. "Jim, if you return my car again and the gas tank isn't full, I'm not going to let you take my car anymore," "If you continue to talk to me about my brother while we're on the phone, Mom, I'm going to hang up the phone. And that will be the end of our conversation," "If, Susie, you continue to talk to me about weight while we're out to dinner, I'm going to get up and leave the restaurant." That is when you bring those consequences in. Alyssa Scolari: And again, you have to reinforce them and uphold them. That is one of the hardest parts about boundaries, because people might say yeah when you set that boundary the first time, but people almost always love to test limits in some way, shape, or form. Not everybody. Alyssa Scolari: So that is where we are at. If somebody's not respecting your boundary, you have to call it out, "I asked you to do this. You are not doing it. And if you continue to not do that, this is what's going to happen." People might react in all different ways, right? People might get defensive. They might start questioning you. They're going to test the limits. People might be passive aggressive. They might ghost you. They might give you the silent treatment or just give you very short responses. And again, it's so important to remember that their reaction is not about you. It is never about you. Alyssa Scolari: Ultimately, boundaries can solve a lot of relationship problems, but both people have to be open to listening and meeting the other person's each other's requests, really. If that's the case, then boundaries can be so beneficial in relationships. Alyssa Scolari: Again, right, Brene Brown has said it best. The temporary discomfort that you experience from setting boundaries is so much better than the long term resentment that will come from not setting them. Alyssa Scolari: So with that said, that wraps up our boundary talk. I'm so excited. I thought that was really, really good and really fun to talk about. And I hope that it is so helpful. It's really helpful for me, really helpful. And I'm very happy to be back and recording. I've got some other good episodes this month. Alyssa Scolari: It is Pride Month. I didn't say that in the beginning of the episode, but happy Pride Month. I hope it's a great Pride Month for everybody. Alyssa Scolari: And I hope that everybody is doing okay. I know that if you are living in the United States, you are probably devastated and still healing from learning of the shooting in Texas of the school children and teachers. I'm just speechless. And I'm at a loss for words. And I feel helpless and hopeless. And it feels like the only thing that I can do is donate money and vote when it comes time. But I don't know. I just feel really hopeless living in this country right now. And there's a big part of me that wants to move. And the gun violence just terrifies me and I'm terrified for the future children of this world. And I could go on. I could go on. I just have a lot of anxiety and a lot of grief. And my heart is so heavy, and I'm so angry. And I know so many of us feel this way. Alyssa Scolari: So I'm with you. We stand together, and we will hold each other up. And thoughts and prayers don't really do anything for those victims. Thoughts and prayers aren't doing it anymore for the continued mass shootings in this country. It's just heinous. I don't know what the answer is, but I know I will be voting and I will be donating to who I can. And if there's anything else that anybody can think that we can do to help or that I can do to help, please let me know. You know where to find me. Alyssa Scolari: And if you don't know where to find me, it's on Instagram, or you can go to the website, which is LightAfterTrauma.com. And the Instagram handle for the podcast is Light After Trauma. We've got some good content on there, so come check us out. If you message me, I will respond to you directly, because I do get the messages. So, yeah. Come say hi. Alyssa Scolari: I hope you enjoyed this episode. I will be back next week with another episode. And until then, I am holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari: Thanks for listening, everyone. For more information, please head over to LightAfterTrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @LightAfterTrauma, and on Twitter, it is @LightAfterPod. Alyssa Scolari: Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/LightAfterTrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/LightAfterTrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support. Speaker 2: (Singing).
It seems more and more likely that those arrangements we made to deal with the pandemic and ensure that business could continue were far more than a temporary stop-gap to a unique situation. The pandemic has likely caused companies to permanently adapt to the concept of remote work arrangements and this change has required turning over a bit of that decision-making power, in terms of where employees work and how often they come into the office (if at all), to the employees themselves. Tune in as our hosts, Scott De Long, Ph.D., and Vince Moiso talk about remote and hybrid work environments with special guest, Rebecca Scolari. About our Hosts: To learn more about Scott De Long, Ph.D., and Vince Moiso, MBA, please visit theceopodcast.net. If you have questions, comments, or to make topic suggestions for future episodes, please contact them at scottandvince@gmail.com. Resources: COVID-19 & The New Remote Workforce (Mini-ebook) Health & Wellness Tips for Remote Workers How to Pull Together A Remote Team That Boosts Your Business
In this week's episode, Alyssa continues the important discussion from last week surrounding boundaries. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, this week's discussion centers on the following: Different ways people might react to setting boundaries Why we are often afraid to set boundaries How we can push past our fears around setting boundaries Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab Order Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Tawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:00]: Hey everybody, what's up? Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari, talking about boundaries today. This is the part two of a series that we are doing on boundaries. In the first episode, which if you haven't listened to, I highly recommend you go back and check that out. In that first episode, we talked about what are boundaries and why do we need them, why are they so important. We also talked about the different types of boundaries: porous, rigid, and healthy. And we also talked about some of the biggest areas in which people tend to struggle with boundaries the most. Alyssa Scolari [01:08]: As I mentioned in last week's episode, so much of this information is taken from a book that I highly recommend. It is called Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab, and you can also listen to it on Audible if you're not a big reader and you'd rather listen. I listen to the book on Audible. You can go look in the show notes, if you want access to the book, or if you want to follow Nedra on Instagram. She's absolutely amazing therapist and does awesome work with boundaries. And I said this last week, but it is worth repeating, I personally believe that boundaries are the most important tool that you can have with you, not just for healing from trauma, but throughout your entire life. Alyssa Scolari [01:58]: That being said, I also personally believe it's one of the hardest things to do, and it brings up a lot of feelings for people. I feel like I should probably say that. It's really, really hard, particularly for survivors of trauma who have been taught that our needs don't matter. And again, I speak about all of this in the last week's episode, so feel free to go and check that out if you haven't already. That being said, if you haven't listened to it, I don't think that you necessarily do need to listen to it in order to benefit from this episode. I think you can kind of just dive right in today with the rest of us. Alyssa Scolari [02:39]: So just some housekeeping things. I actually know, I started off last week's episode by talking about how I had gone no contact with my family. I know that I've been talking for the last couple of weeks about how I've been struggling a lot with depression, and then some things happened and I went no contact with my family and just wanted to follow up and say that I am hanging in there. I'm doing all right. I think that I'm better than I've been in a long time. I'm taking space and time to grieve and to give myself grace. But overall, I think I am better than I've been in a really long time. So feeling good, feeling energized, excited to be out of that depressive funk. It was awful. So really excited to be out of that, really excited to just have a new kind of zest for life. Alyssa Scolari [03:44]: It's been really hot here where I live, so I've been staying hydrated, trying to stay cool, but I've also gotten a chance to really enjoy the outdoors. I've been posting pictures on my Instagram, so if you have an Instagram and you want to go check it out, my Instagram is Light After Trauma. And our backyard is looking amazing. We have been building it into this little like oasis and we have tons of plants with really bright, happy flowers. And then we made this giant... Well, not giant, but we made this patio space and we have a little waterfall and we got a fire pit and we got furniture. And then we got string lights that hang above the patio. So at night, you sit out there with a fire on and the sounds of the waterfall and the beautiful lights, and it is just dreamy. It is so dreamy. Alyssa Scolari [04:45]: I have been having the most fun with David making our backyard the perfect oasis. We have a very small yard. I, by no means, want to come across as acting like we have this giant yard because we really don't. It's super tiny, but we have absolutely made the most of the space, and I just couldn't be more thrilled. So I highly recommend that you go check it out. I mean, if you're into that sort of thing. Alyssa Scolari [05:15]: So that's been really fun. And then on the EMDR front, because I have not given anyone an EMDR update in a while. So those of you who might remember, a few months ago, I had told you that I was getting ready to start EMDR. And if that is a new word or a new acronym for you, I do an episode with LCSW Melissa Parks on the podcast, that you can go check it out and see what EMDR is. It is a treatment for trauma, and it's supposed to be a highly effective treatment for trauma, one in which you aren't necessarily required to talk about your memories bit by bit. And it really, as far as I understand, helps to rewire your brain. I have heard from so many people that EMDR is absolutely life changing and I am starting it for myself. And if I love it and I feel that it's really effective and really great, I am going to go ahead and then get trained in it for my clients. Alyssa Scolari [06:19]: Speaking of which, I am accepting new clients right now. So if you are living in the states of Florida or New Jersey, and soon to be Massachusetts, feel free, you can reach out to me. If you are interested in working together, or if you know anybody who needs therapy, feel free to reach out. I'd love to work with you. I'm excited to finally be accepting new clients, but I digress. Alyssa Scolari [06:44]: So back to the EMDR, I had started with a guy a couple of months ago at this point, I want to say like March and he kept... Well, first of all, he didn't show up for our second appointment. But aside from that, he kept messing up the times of our appointments. He would text me and say, “Hey, what time are we meeting?” Like, several times. Once in a while, of course, whatever, all therapists are human, but this was several times right out of the gate when we started working together. And it was starting to stir up some abandonment stuff in me, because I'm like, why doesn't this person care enough to write down when we're meeting? So I ended my treatment with that person and I was really proud of myself because I didn't just ghost. It's easier, I think in some ways to ghost, but I actually stated very clearly what my issue was. So I was really proud of myself for doing that. And then I found another therapist that I met with and it just wasn't a good match at all. Alyssa Scolari [07:57]: This therapist had said something that I found offensive, and I tried to give that person the benefit of the doubt. But then as the session went on, this person wasn't necessarily fully listening to my answers to the questions that I was being asked. They would ask me a question, but then as I would answer it, they would be not even looking at me, on another computer, typing out the answer to the previous question. So then they would get done typing, I've already answered their next question, and then they would look at me and be like, “Oh, what'd you say again?” And I was like, “Ooh, ooh, I don't... I don't like this.” It just didn't feel good. It's a personal preference. I don't like when somebody's looking at a computer screen the whole time when I'm sharing intimate details of my trauma. I don't like it. It makes me feel unsafe. Alyssa Scolari [08:58]: So I found somebody new and I met with this new person on last week, I don't know, one day, but I absolutely loved her. There were no red flags for me. I felt comfortable and I'm really looking forward to working with this person. So I am really hoping that it works out. And honestly, this just goes to show you that you are allowed to be super picky when it comes to a therapist. I know I've done episodes like this in the past, but I just want to reiterate, you can and should be picky with your therapist. Do not settle. If there's something in you, that's like, “Hey, this isn't quite right.” You have to go with that feeling. And because I went with those feelings in my gut, I have now found somebody who I think is going to be a really, really good fit for me. Alyssa Scolari [09:53]: So I'm really excited about that. So I will keep you all posted. I haven't officially gotten into the EMDR stuff yet, but I will let you know how that process goes. It's supposed to be really difficult and really tiring. It gets a lot worse before it gets better, but I'm really looking forward to it nonetheless. So I will keep you all posted. Alyssa Scolari [10:16]: Okay. So getting right back into it today, we are talking more about boundaries and just some more information why people don't set boundaries, what the fear is around setting boundaries, and how to appropriately deal with that fear. As I talked about in the last week's episode, there are so many reasons why we need boundaries. And people experiencing burnout and stress and conflict in their relationships, they are just a few of the many, many reasons. One thing that I did not mention last week is we talk about burnout and how burnout is a direct... Well, not always direct, but it is more often than not, a sign of having poor boundaries. And one of the places where people tend to experience burnout and difficulty with boundaries in general is in the work field, the workforce, particularly when we talk about doctors. Alyssa Scolari [11:24]: So according to Nedra Tawwab in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, burnout from doctors and surgeons costs this country $4.6 billion a year, $4.6 billion. How does that happen? You might be asking, how does burnout cost money? Well, it cost money because as a result of burnout, doctors are making medical mistakes and misdiagnoses that will then go on to cost, whether in the form of having to redo tests or rewrite prescriptions, or even in the form of lawsuits. It will cost $4.6 billion. So there is no question here like, are boundaries important? Can we live without them? We can't. We ultimately can't live a healthy life without them, quite literally. It can cost some people their lives. It can cost some people their careers. It can cost people their relationships. Alyssa Scolari [12:36]: Boundaries are really uncomfortable to set. They are really, really scary. But as Brené Brown has once said, and this is also taken directly from Nedra's book, “Sometimes we need to choose that temporary discomfort over eventual long term resentment.” So yes, boundaries will create this temporary discomfort, but it's preferred over this long term resentment where you start to resent your job, or you start to resent your partner, or you start to resent your friend or whatever it may be. The short term discomfort is much more desired, quite honestly, and experiencing that temporary discomfort is only one of the many reasons in which for why people are afraid to set boundaries. There are other reasons that people are afraid of setting boundaries. And one of those reasons is like, I have a fear of being rejected. This one is definitely true for me. I think that I am afraid of every reason for not setting boundaries that you could possibly have. Like, I have all of them. Fear of rejection or possible abandonment. Is this person going to leave me? Is this person going to reject me? Are they going to walk away from me? Alyssa Scolari [14:03]: Another reason is assuming it's not going to work, “Ah, it's not going to work. You don't know this person.” I often get this response. When I talk about setting boundaries with people, I often will get this like, “Ah, you don't know this person.” Like, they've been stuck in their ways for years and there's no use in asking them to change now. It's not going to be effective. I personally think that that's a cop out. I really do. Because you can't predict how somebody's going to react, and you can say that they're not going to change, but ultimately you don't know unless you start reinforcing that boundary. Alyssa Scolari [14:51]: So I sort of think that this one is a little bit of a cop out. Like I can see that this is a genuine reason why, and I too have said to... You know, I have found myself saying to my therapist like, “Oh, you know, this person's never going to change. There's no point in trying to set a boundary.” And honestly, when I look back at it, I'm like, that was such a cop out. I just was afraid. I was just afraid. Alyssa Scolari [15:14]: So that is another reason. An additional reason is you get your value from helping others. This is going to ring true for my people pleasers out there. If you get your value from helping others, we need to look at that. We need to reevaluate. I find this to be true with so many folks, especially those who didn't get their needs met in childhood. We have been taught that it is our job to serve others, to be there for others. And eventually, we learn that our worth lies in what we can do for other people. If you get your value from helping other people, it's definitely something to look at. That's not to say that you shouldn't enjoy helping others. You can, but when you get to a point where you feel like you're not good enough, as long as you are not helping somebody, then we've got to talk about that because you are worthy just as you are. You're worth does not depend on what you do. Alyssa Scolari [16:23]: Another reason people don't set boundaries is because they feel mean doing it. They feel like people are mean, or they feel like what they're doing is going to be mean. It could be that they feel like other people are mean, but that kind of falls under the same category as rejection. This is more like, you know, I feel like I'm being mean by saying, “Hey, I can't pick up the phone right now. I know it's 10:00 o'clock. I know you're having a panic attack. I'm sorry, I can't pick up the phone.” That is so hard to do, and I completely understand why it feels mean. I too have been there. Being a therapist, people will reach out to me for advice all of the time. Well, a little less so now, because my boundaries are so much better. Alyssa Scolari [17:12]: But I remember one time, I had a friend who was in a very abusive relationship, and this person would call me all the time or text me all the time and ask me for advice, for support, or help. Would even ask me to talk to their partner. Like, “Hey, please talk to this person, please. You know, you're a therapist, please try to knock some sense into this person.” And you know what? Back then, years ago, I felt like I had to. When this person would text me at 10:00 o'clock at night, telling me that they had to leave the house because their partner was throwing an abusive fit, I felt like I had to pick up the phone and talk. When this person would say, “Hey, can you please talk to my partner? My partner really needs help, they're being abusive.” I felt like I had to. I would pick up the phone, I would talk to my friend, I would talk to their partner. I would quite literally be doing like couples therapy things, which I should have never done. Alyssa Scolari [18:18]: Again, I wasn't really doing therapy, but it was just like, I was giving advice. I was filling a role that they should have had a therapist fill. And I started to feel a lot of resentment. I started to feel like I was only useful to this person so long as I was giving them some kind of advice on what they can do with their partner. And guess what? That person never took any of my advice, never, ever took any of my advice. Over time, I started to feel a ton of resentment, but I could not set that boundary because I felt mean. I felt mean. Eventually, the level of resentment that I had outweighed any fear I had of being mean and I finally set that boundary and was like, “Hey, I can't do this. You know, I've been doing my best, but like, I can't. I'm burnt out, I'm spent.” And you know what? I felt really mean doing it and guess what? That person, we don't actually talk anymore. But the reason we don't talk isn't because I was mean. Setting limits for yourself is not a mean thing. Alyssa Scolari [19:33]: As I said in last week's episode, you have to set those limits because people thrive off of you not setting boundaries. People love that because then you give and give and give, but nobody can look out for you more than you have to look out for you. Saying no is not mean. And oftentimes, we can kind of trace this back to our childhoods, where we are taught that other people's needs matter more than ours. I know that's certainly the case for me. Therefore, I felt like I couldn't tell anybody no, and I know that's the case for many trauma survivors. Alyssa Scolari [20:15]: That being said, this is much easier said than done, but it is not mean to set boundaries. It's important to remember, and this is also a brilliant little nugget of wisdom from Nedra's book. People are only going to treat you as well as you treat yourself. So if you're not having good boundaries, if you're not taking care of yourself, other people are not going to treat you that well either. In the case of this friend that I was talking about, I wasn't treating myself well. I was picking up the phone in the middle of the night. I was talking to this person for hours on end, knowing that this person never once sort of like returned in the favor and never once said, “Oh, hey, you know, tell me about you.” I wasn't taking good care of myself. And because I wasn't, because I didn't say how I felt or call things out right from the get-go, I kind of opened the door to let this person take full advantage of me essentially. Alyssa Scolari [21:23]: And then one of the other ways that I think that causes people, or one of the other things that I think causes people to not set boundaries, and I can't quite remember if this got talked about in the book, I'm sure it did, but this is something that I've noticed a lot just simply within myself or within my practice or just my day to day life is that a lot of people assume that other people should already know something. A lot of people say like, “Oh, well, it's common sense.” Like common sense would tell you, especially a lot of maybe business owners or really anybody. Let's say you're out to dinner on a Friday night with your friends and your friend keeps getting this call from her boss, “Oh, my boss keeps calling me. My boss keeps calling me.” And the friend gets frustrated and she's like, “Well, common sense would tell my boss not to call me on a Friday night when I'm off the clock.” A lot of people often do this with children too. “Common sense should tell my teenager not to ride their bike on a busy highway.” Alyssa Scolari [22:35]: But the thing we have to remember is that common sense isn't common. Common sense is very much dependent on how you grew up, the messages that you were raised with. There really is no such thing as common sense. Common sense isn't common to people. And we can't assume that other people can read our minds, and I think that's where a lot of us get tripped up, including myself. I see this especially happening with partners and relationships. I will do this to David. I'll be like, well, common sense should tell him when I'm upset if I had a really long day at work. Alyssa Scolari [23:13]: The other day I came home and I was really hurting over all this stuff with my family, and I came home pretty late and he is home and he gets ready to go outside and start doing a project in the backyard. And in my head, I'm getting so mad at him and I'm feeling abandoned because I'm like, “Dude, common sense would tell you, like I worked literally all day. I'm so upset. You know I'm so upset. Like, common sense would tell you that I actually really need you to sit with me tonight and just like be with me.” But again, common sense isn't common. It means nothing because when my husband is upset, what he likes to do is get lost in a project. So common sense for him is to start doing a project, start trying to work through some of these emotions by building something or working on something outside or taking care of the garden. That's common sense for him. Alyssa Scolari [24:22]: So it's different. We cannot assume that other people can read our minds. It was unfair of me to assume that he can read my mind. I never once said, “I really need you.” I wanted him to just know, but that was the part of me that was wanting a parent. That was that childish yearning in me. Like, I just need a parent to simply know what my needs are. So something that's very important to keep in mind. Alyssa Scolari [24:54]: Now, in terms of how people might react to boundaries. There's really no way of knowing for sure, but there are a couple different ways according to Nedra Tawwab's book, Set, Boundaries, Find Peace, that we can categorize people's reactions to boundaries. Now, people might get defensive. I think if you've been in this relationship for a long time, it's very likely that somebody might get defensive and be like, “Well, where is this coming from?” Or they try to justify their behavior and they try to convince you that their behavior's okay. So that could be one way people might react to you setting boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [25:36]: People might question your boundaries. People might have a lot of questions, well, again, “Why is this coming up right now? Like, why? I've been doing this for years with you? This is the relationship we've had for years. Like, why do we have to change it now?” People will also test the limits. You bet they will. It's in our human nature. Our human nature is to rebel, is to test the limits. Nobody likes to be told no. I get it. I hate being told no. Part of the reason why setting boundaries is so hard for me is because I know I don't like to be told no. It's really difficult for me. So people are going to test the limits. It is something that absolutely is to be expected. Alyssa Scolari [26:28]: People also might engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, like ghosting. Ghosting is when people just stop responding to you. So you set a boundary and then you don't hear from this person at all. They don't talk to you. I have this happen frequently within my workspace. That actually happened twice over the last week. It doesn't happen often. It always isn't often that I have to kind of set firm boundaries. I do, of course, but these boundaries that I had to set were really, really difficult and really firm. And as a result, I was ghosted and it's okay, it happens. It's part of how people respond and react in treatment and in the world. Therapy is literally like a little microcosm of how people behave in the world. I set a boundary, I was ghosted. That's one passive-aggressive behavior that people do in response to boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [27:45]: Another passive-aggressive behavior is the silent treatment. So very short responses, especially if you live with this person or even maybe through text. This person once used emojis to talk to you and exclamation points, but now all of a sudden, they're responding with like, “Yes, no, okay, good night.” I see this happen so often, especially in my teens who are in relationships with other people or with our best friends. They get mad at their best friend and instead of saying how they feel, they'll be like, “K.” Send. That's the text. And it is well known in the teen world that when you write K. and you send that text, that means that you are really pissed off, but that is a passive-aggressive behavior. That is considered the silent treatment. You know, this person doesn't answer for days, whatever it might be, it's passive-aggressive. Alyssa Scolari [28:50]: And then another thing that I see that often can be very passive-aggressive is people sort of throwing your boundary in your face a little bit. So people will say things like, “Oh, well, I was going to ask you to come out with us.” Okay, let's say, for example, you don't want to drink and you have a friend who is always pressuring you to drink. Whenever you go out, they're like, “Hey, come on, have a drink, have a drink.” And you're like, “No, no, no, no, no. I really don't want to.” And it makes you uncomfortable. So let's say after a few months of this, or a few weeks of this even, you go and you set a boundary with this person and you're like, you know, “Hey, I really don't appreciate it when you keep pressuring me to drink when we are out in public. You know I don't like to drink. Please do not pressure me anymore. If you continue to pressure me, I'm just going to leave, so I am not sitting there feeling uncomfortable.” And this friend's like, “Okay, all right, sure. I get it.” Alyssa Scolari [30:03]: And then the next week later, let's say, it's the weekend, you log onto Instagram and you see that this friend is out with a bunch of other people, a bunch of your mutual friends, and you did not get invited. So you go to this friend and you say, you know, “Hey, why didn't you invite me?” And this friend goes, “Oh, well, you don't like to drink and you didn't want to feel pressured so I just figured I wouldn't put you in that situation.” That is so passive-aggressive. When people use your boundary against you, it is so passive-aggressive. This is something that was done to me all the time, all the time when I was younger and even in my earlier adulthood. To this day, even talking about it, it just drives me nuts. Alyssa Scolari [30:58]: The other thing is like all of these responses and reactions that people have, they're really difficult. It kind of seems like, “Okay, well, why am I setting this boundary in the first place?” If people can react in all types of bad ways, you have to remember that you setting a boundary is for your peace. It's about peace for you. It's about health for you. You can't control how other people react. In fact, if somebody reacts in a negative way, that is likely a sign that you needed to set that boundary in the first place. And it's so important to remember that other people's reactions are not about you. The way that other people respond to boundaries has nothing to do with you. The fact of the matter is that boundaries can solve a lot of relationship problems, but they can only be solved if both people are open to listening and meeting the other's requests. Alyssa Scolari [32:11]: Now, I do also want to say this, relationships where boundaries are extremely difficult is where there is abuse happening or abuse that happened. It is so difficult to set boundaries where abuse took place, because it's the ultimate violation. It is the ultimate violation. So it sort of feels like a little bit strange for somebody to kind of violate you, especially if it's like physical abuse, sexual abuse, continued emotional abuse. This person has violated you in some of the worst ways. It's very hard to build boundaries after that. I'm not saying that it can't be done. It absolutely can be. I've seen it be done. I've seen loads of people where there's been some sort of tragedy or trauma or abuse, and then people have rebuilt that relationship and have had really good boundaries, but it's extremely difficult. Alyssa Scolari [33:17]: And I wouldn't recommend trying it without the help of a therapist. I really wouldn't because we just don't know. We just don't know what's going to happen. You don't know what's going to come up for you. So I really don't recommend trying it without the help of a licensed professional who can support you in this process and who can help you to see if boundaries are even possible. Because the thought of setting boundaries with somebody who was abusive, it can bring up so much. And depending on how that person reacts, it could potentially open the door for further traumatization. Again, I'm not saying always, but I do think it's something that we must keep in mind when it comes to boundary setting, is that it's sort of a whole different ball game when you're dealing with somebody who has been, or is abusive. Alyssa Scolari [34:11]: All in all, this is what we are working with right now. We know what boundaries are, we understand why they're important. Now, we understand why people are so afraid to set them. We understand how people might react. The worst case scenario is that this relationship is over. That is the worst case scenario. I am not going to sit here and say that, that never happens because it does. And it has happened to me multiple times where I've tried to set a boundary and the relationship has been over as the result. It does happen. It doesn't happen all the time. I think that you would be surprised at how well people are able to respect your boundaries when you start setting them. People will respect you more because they see that you respect yourself more. People see that they have no choice, but to respect you. And that is going to help you live the most beautiful, most peaceful life. Alyssa Scolari [35:22]: If somebody leaves because you have set a boundary, it's heartbreaking, it's devastating, but that too is temporary. And it is better than the long term resentment and anger that you will deal with by not setting the boundaries and by feeling like other people are walking all over you. Again, this is truly one of the hardest things I believe, but it truly is the key for living a good life. And that is what we want, baby. That is what we want. Alyssa Scolari [36:05]: So that is a wrap for today. We are still going to keep talking about this because we've got a lot more to talk about. Again, the majority of this information is taken from Nedra Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace. So it's a really good read. If you want to read it, you can go check out the show notes. Everything that you need is in the show notes for today. I hope that you all have a wonderful week. I will see you next week. And until then, I will be holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari [36:35]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma. And on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over, again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you and we appreciate your support.
Good stuff from Vince on his path to becoming a capital raiser and partner on various GP deals. https://laurencerosecapital.com/
This week on the podcast Alyssa discusses a brand new, multi-episode topic. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Alyssa discusses what boundaries are, why we need them, and some of the most prominent areas in which people struggle to set boundaries. Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab Order Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi everybody, welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari. Glad to be back here today. We are talking about boundaries which is in my opinion, one of the most important tools too, and not just healing, but also one of the most important tools that you can use in your everyday life as you go throughout your entire life. You need boundaries all of the time. Alyssa Scolari [00:50]: So before we get into that, just a few housekeeping things. If I have not gotten back to you yet, I know a few of you have reached out to me on Patreon. If I haven't gotten back to you yet, please forgive me. It's been a little bit hectic. I know that in the last episode, I talked about how I have really been struggling with depression. And at the time that I recorded that episode, I was saying like, "I just don't know why I feel this way, and I have done absolutely everything I can do to try to make myself feel better. I've tried to take care of myself to the best of my ability, and yet still, here I am so depressed." Alyssa Scolari [01:31]: Now in the time between when I recorded that episode, and when I am recording this episode, I have a lot more insight into why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. I thought that I understood maybe a part of why I was feeling really depressed with the anniversary of my mom getting really sick, but now that I've ... Well, I should say now that certain events in my life have unfolded, I can confidently say that I know more about why I was feeling so depressed, and I think that emphasizes the importance of hanging in there and riding the wave even if you don't understand what's happening because sometimes we don't understand what's happening, but it's important to hang in there anyway because I am on the mend. Alyssa Scolari [02:24]: Well, somewhat. I will continue to get better, and I now understand that I was gearing up for a goodbye. And I'm just going to briefly touch on what has happened. I will more than likely do an episode where I go into a little bit more depth about it, but I don't know for sure yet, I'm still trying to process what happened. And I'm still trying to grieve and figure out for myself what life is going to look like now because this truly was the hardest decision that I have ever made in my life. Alyssa Scolari [03:09]: I have made the decision to go no contact with my family and briefly, I had a falling out with my brother shortly after I recorded last week's episode. And due to the falling out with my brother, I terminated that relationship because I realized that it was not healthy for me at all, and hasn't been healthy for me for probably 30 years. And so I terminated that relationship. And as a result of terminating that relationship, my mother and I had a falling out about that. And it was really at that point that I knew for me that these relationships aren't going to work in my life no matter how much I wish that they would. Alyssa Scolari [04:12]: So I realize that it's time, it's time to walk away, it's time to say goodbye. It's time to step back from all of this, and as much as it hurt me, I don't question whether or not I did the right thing. I know that I have done the right thing. I don't question that because it was so harmful for me to continue in relationships where I can't be my authentic self, and so I had to walk away and it's ironic I think that this episode, we are talking about boundaries because this was a result. Alyssa Scolari [04:57]: This incident was a result of me trying to set boundary after boundary that just wasn't working and when it comes to family conflict or any kind of conflict, going no contact like right now, I think we are really in cut you off culture. "Well, you're not doing things my way, so I'm just going to cut you off." And a lot of people do that and that's passive aggressive when we're not actually explicitly stating the problem, that can be pretty passive aggressive, but cut off or cutting somebody off, not this cutoff culture that we live in where we're so quick to just be like, "I'm done with you." Alyssa Scolari [05:41]: Making the decision to go no contact with somebody or cut somebody off is typically or should be if exercised in the appropriate way, it should be a decision that comes after years and years or not even years, but after multiple failed attempts at trying to repair the relationships or trying to establish boundaries in the relationships, right? That's when we start talking about, "Do I even want to be in this relationship, friendship, et cetera, if things aren't improving?" So when I say that I went no contact, I by no means want to give the impression that this was an impulsive decision or something that I have done without ever really trying to fix the problem. Alyssa Scolari [06:30]: This is something that for me personally has been 30 years in the making. And again, I don't question whether I did the right thing or the wrong thing. I know it was the right thing for me, but there is a heavy amount of grief there just because it was the right decision doesn't mean that it hasn't been really difficult for me. There's a lot of grief, there's a lot of pain, there's a lot of anger and it feels like I've been preparing for it this whole last month with how depressed I was feeling. Alyssa Scolari [07:13]: I started reading Harry Potter again and mind you, I don't like J.K. Rowling, and I do not buy things now that support her. I have the books Harry Potter is, and always will be one of the most important parts of my childhood and my adulthood apparently. So I don't like Joanne Rowling. She is a trans exclusionary, radical feminist. She is extremely transphobic. She is very, very harmful to the transgender community, so don't support her at all as an aside, but I have been reading Harry Potter and Harry Potter is something that got me through so much when I was younger. So, so much. Alyssa Scolari [08:03]: This boy that has been hurt time after time after time and had nobody there or seemingly nobody there, but persisted anyway. And I started picking up those books again recently, and I've been really, really into them and just really drawn into to that world. And I think because emotionally speaking, there are so many parallels with Harry Potter's worlds and mine, and so in a way it feels like I knew this was coming. Alyssa Scolari [08:38]: I think my body was just preparing and then it happened, and I feel a lot of things, grief and relief. The whole gamut of emotions is what I feel. So I have been really just taking time to heal and recover and learn how to move through my life, and I guess just heal. That's the bottom line, I'm figuring out how to heal. So if I'm less responsive on Patreon, bear with me. If I'm less responsive on Instagram, also bear with me. Alyssa Scolari [09:19]: I am just taking my time to move through all of the feelings as they come, and we will see where I'm at next week. I will, of course update you on how I'm feeling and things of that nature, but that is what happened. I had to go no contact with my family and it sucked. It sucked, bottom line. So enough about that. Let's get into what we're talking about today, and what we're talking about today is boundaries as I mentioned. Alyssa Scolari [09:50]: So boundaries is, or boundaries are the one thing that I think so many people hate when it comes to therapy and healing and recovery because they are the hardest things to set. I believe, especially for trauma survivors who have typically had some part of our bodies or minds controlled by somebody else, trauma survivors who have been made to feel like their body isn't their own or their voice doesn't matter. We really struggle with boundaries, and I really struggled with boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [10:31]: I once had a supervisor tell me several jobs ago that I had terrible boundaries. Actually, she didn't say I had terrible boundaries. She said I had shitty boundaries, yelled at me and told me that I had boundaries. I was horrified by that. I was super young. I was super new in the field, and I look back at that and I'm like, huh? She was right. Now, don't get me wrong. She was so, so wrong to say that, and it was so inappropriate of her to say that, and I was so angry at how she said that to me, but she was right, she was absolutely right. Alyssa Scolari [11:15]: And I have had to work so hard over the last several years to make my boundaries healthier. I believe that boundaries are a work in progress. I think we are always working on them, and I don't think we ever get to the space where we're like a hundred percent perfect in all of our boundaries. I don't know, maybe we do, but I've never met anybody who's a hundred percent perfect in all of their boundaries, but it's something to always be worked on because at the end of the day, boundaries are the gateway to healing, they are the gateway to peace. Alyssa Scolari [11:53]: They are the gateway to good and happy and healthy relationships with ourselves, and others. Boundaries are everything. I firmly believe that, and so many other therapists out there also believe that. So we are talking about this right now. What are boundaries? Why do we need them? How do I know if I have poor boundaries? What do I do if I have terrible boundaries? How do I get better? Why is this so scary for me? How do I move past the anxiety around setting boundaries? Alyssa Scolari [12:30]: We're talking about all of it, and we are not going to be able to fit all of it into one episode. So this is going to be a multiple episode topic, but we're getting through it because I think that this is one of the most useful tools to have in your tool belt. Dare I say it is the most useful tool, at least for me, it's been the most useful. Absolutely. So over the course of the next few episodes, I am going to be pulling a lot of information from one of my favorite books about boundaries, and the author of this book is Nedra Glover Tawwab, and if you don't follow her on Instagram, you absolutely should. Alyssa Scolari [13:21]: She is incredible. She has 1.5 million followers. She is phenomenal, a phenomenal therapist. So I will link her Instagram as well as the book in the show notes. So you can feel free to go and check that out, but the title of her book is called Set Boundaries, Find Peace, A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. This book is amazing. It's not super long. I have listened to it several times on Audible, so I just listened to it in my car when I'm driving. Alyssa Scolari [13:58]: I highly recommend this book. It was truly life changing for me, and I think that this book was part of the reason why I was able to get to a place where I said no more to my relationship with my family. So let's get right into it. The first question being, what are boundaries? And I think this is one of the first chapters in Nedra's book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. What in the world are boundaries? How do we define boundaries? Right? Alyssa Scolari [14:30]: That word in itself when I bring it up to people, a lot of people, they know what they are, but have trouble putting words to it. So we're going to break it down very simply which is boundaries are rules or expectations that need to be met in order for relationships whether that relationship is with ourselves or with other people. Rules, expectations that need to be met in order for relationships to operate in a healthy manner. In order for us to be happy, boundaries are required. Alyssa Scolari [15:15]: So let's break that down a little bit, right? It might make sense at first to be like, "Okay, well, I understand why boundaries might be needed with other people, but what do you mean myself? How do I set boundaries with myself?" And sometimes, that looks like getting on a schedule, having a routine, making time to detox from technology, right? Getting off the phone, getting off the computer. All of these little things that we do are self-boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [15:49]: They're boundaries that we have with ourselves to keep ourselves happy and healthy. So why do we need them? Why on earth do we need boundaries? Well obviously, it keeps us happy and healthy, but what happens when we don't have them? What happens if we don't have boundaries that are strong enough or boundaries that are too strong? Well, according to Nedra, relationships that are complicated or relationships that don't have great boundaries are among the leading causes of anxiety. Alyssa Scolari [16:29]: So poor relationships, relationships that aren't healthy, relationships that need improvement on boundaries are one of the biggest causes of anxiety. And that makes so much sense because so many people come to therapy, not just in a vacuum, right? People don't come to therapy and just say, "Well, I am struggling with depression." Or, "I have an eating disorder." No, behind the depression, behind the eating disorder, behind the anxiety disorder is typically, "Well, I have problems with this person and I have issues at work, and my boss is making me work 60 hours a week, and my mother won't stop calling me and my partner won't let me talk to other people of the opposite sex." Alyssa Scolari [17:19]: People come to therapy with problems that involve more often than not other people. I have never sat down with a client who came to me with a problem, and the problem was just a little, just about them. This problem almost always encompasses other people. So when we don't have boundaries, we don't have healthy enough boundaries, we tend to fail in our relationships or our relationships don't serve us, and this can exacerbate mental health disorders, and especially for somebody who has trauma, has a history of trauma, this can really exacerbate PTSD symptoms. Alyssa Scolari [18:05]: So how do you know if you are somebody who doesn't have great boundaries? Well, a lack of boundaries in itself can trigger an onset of tons of negative things, right? Including resentment and anxiety and depression and avoidance can also include overwhelm, feelings of burnout. These are all signs that boundaries are poor. I learned in grad school, I think one of the most important things that I learned in grad school and a tool that I keep in my back pocket to this day is my professor said it, Dr. Jim Hall who is amazing, love Dr. Hall. Alyssa Scolari [18:57]: He said to us one day in class, "If you are feeling burned out, if you are feeling stressed out, if you are starting to resent some of the clients that you are working with, that is a sign that you need better boundaries in your life." And I have never forgotten that. So this day, if I find myself getting not necessarily resentful because I don't really resent my clients, but sometimes if I get frustrated, if I feel like I'm working really, really hard, and this person isn't necessarily like meeting me halfway, or if I start to get burned out and I start to feel really, really overwhelmed, I know that that problem is my problem. Alyssa Scolari [19:46]: That's not a problem for my clients. The problem isn't my clients, it's never my clients. If I'm feeling some kind of way, that is because my boundaries aren't good enough or because something is going on within me, it's not the client's fault at all. That is a sign that my boundaries aren't as great as they could be. And so to this day, every time I felt this way, I have made it a point to readjust my boundaries, tighten them up a little, and then I feel so much better, and I enjoy my job so much more because here's the thing, right? Alyssa Scolari [20:22]: We live in this world where we almost shame selfishness in some ways. In some areas, we shame selfishness, right? Oh, you're being so selfish. Oh, why don't you care about anybody else? And then of course, in other ways, I feel like we live in a very, at least in the United States, right? It's very every man for himself, every woman for himself, every person for themselves. But in some ways, I find when it includes mental health and relationships, interpersonal relationships, it is more along the lines of we get shamed for putting ourselves first. Alyssa Scolari [21:11]: Oh, well, how could you not pick up the phone when that person needs you? You're not a good person. Why aren't you, why aren't you helping them move this weekend? And the thing about that is at the end of the day, you cannot save anybody else if you don't put your oxygen mask on first. You can't help other people if you can't help yourself and you will continue to have relationships where you feel resentful, or you feel like your needs aren't getting met until you decide that you have to come first, until you decide that you looking out for you is not selfish. Alyssa Scolari [21:58]: It is self-care. It is a requirement for survival for thriving. You have to look out for you first. Now, this is a really hard concept for people who are chronic people pleasers. I was raised as a people pleaser. I was raised that it doesn't matter what's going on in your life, it doesn't matter what's happening in your world. You need to drop everything and be there for other people, and if you don't, it's selfish, it's not right. It's not okay. Alyssa Scolari [22:34]: This is very, very hard to do, right? Because for those of us who are people pleasers, as soon as somebody needs us, or as soon as the going gets tough, the first thing to go on our list is usually self-care. We will put self-care so low on the totem pole because we are trying to meet the needs of everybody else first. This is often really true with moms. Moms, dads, parents. This is so true. Alyssa Scolari [23:01]: We will put, I say we like I'm a parent. I'm a dog mom, okay? It counts. We will put our needs so low on the totem pole. I have to feed the kids. I have to get them dressed. I have to take them to their after school sports. And we during none of that make time for ourselves in the slightest. Now listen, I'm not saying it's easy. Being a mom, I think is the hardest job in the whole world. Alyssa Scolari [23:36]: Being a parent in general I think is the hardest job in the entire world. Of course because of stigma, right? Because of the patriarchy, women are expected to do much more and often are doing so much more. So I think a lot of that pressure falls more on women and women are more likely to push their self-care to the side. So yeah, it's especially difficult when you have kids, when you have little ones who need you constantly to make time for yourself, but again, you can't show up as your best self to anybody if you're not putting yourself first. Alyssa Scolari [24:19]: And when we're not putting ourselves first and we're not getting our needs met, then we start to resent other people. And we feel like, "well, I'm always there for other people. Why isn't anybody showing up for me?" Because the other thing is, is that people benefit from you having poor boundaries, right? Nedra says this in the book and it is so important to remember. People benefit from you not having appropriate boundaries because then they can get more from you, and it's not necessarily an inherently bad thing. Alyssa Scolari [24:54]: I'm not saying that the people in your life are like, "Oh, I can see that Jane has terrible boundaries, and I'm going to milk her for everything she is worth." No, but it's nature, right? People test limits. People see, they want to see how much they can get away with. So people are going to take advantage of your poor boundaries and then you're going to feel resentful, you're going to feel overwhelmed, you're going to feel burnt out. Alyssa Scolari [25:24]: You're going to start to get very anxious, and you're either going to start to get angry with people, or you're going to become very depressed and you're going to feel lonely, and perhaps might isolate. Maybe you get a lot of anxiety because you don't want to talk to anybody. You don't want to open your inbox. You don't want to look at all your emails. You start to have panic attacks on Sunday nights before work the next day because you don't want to know all the work that your boss is going to put on you. You avoid, right? Alyssa Scolari [25:57]: You avoid. You either lash out at people or you avoid and you try to disappear. Now, I took a survey on my Instagram in a way to prepare for this episode because I thought it would be interesting to get all of your feedback. And I asked the question when you are in a conflict with somebody, what are you more likely to do? And the options were avoid conflict at all costs, set boundaries with the person and talk it through or cut the person off completely. Alyssa Scolari [26:40]: Now much to my surprise, nobody said cut the person off completely. Nobody said that. A few people said set boundaries, but the overwhelming majority of you, I think it was 88% of you said I will avoid conflict at all costs. And I see this so many times in my practice too. People will come in and they will avoid conflict and avoid conflict, but then their mental health will get worse and worse and worse. And honestly, I think that's what was happening to me over this last month. Alyssa Scolari [27:23]: I was avoiding ending things with my family. And so my mental health got worse and worse and worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore, and I had to decide that I needed to come first. So this happens all of the time. Now there are three different types of boundaries. And first, we have poorest boundaries. Okay? So what are poorest boundaries? These are often people with weaker boundaries like in the sense that they have a lot of trouble setting those boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [28:03]: So they're too involved with other people. They will ruin their own day just so they can be there for somebody else. They will cancel their doctor's appointment just because somebody calls them and says, "Hey, I need you. Do you have time to talk?" These people are highly dependent on other people and they have a really difficult time with feeling highly anxious, overwhelmed, very burnt out. Alyssa Scolari [28:31]: These are your people pleasers. Very difficult time saying no, always wanting to help others. Yes, I'll help you move. Yes, I'll cancel my plans with my family and I will help you move. Yes, I will drive to your house for the millionth time even though you never drive to my house, and I won't say anything about it, but I am going to feel resentful. These are people who often struggle with like codependency and enmeshment. Alyssa Scolari [28:56]: They become extremely attached to other people. In general, they just struggle to say no. I just can't say no to anybody, and then we have healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries is exactly what it is. It's when you are setting rules and expectations with yourself and other people without your past trauma showing up to the interaction. I hope that makes sense. This is something that I have taken from Nedra's book, and this is what she says, and I think that it's absolutely brilliant. Alyssa Scolari [29:42]: You are setting rules and expectations without letting your pain from the past, your trauma from the past show up. Without letting the fact that you have been abandoned as a child, the fact that your father left when you were younger, the fact that you have a history of sexual abuse, that's staying in the past and here you are setting roles and expectations without apologizing, without over explaining, without feelings of immense guilt or anxiety. Those are healthy boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [30:20]: That is what we are all striving for, easier said than done. I am much better at setting boundaries, but I sure as heck struggle with guilt and anxiety almost every time that I set them. And I think that this is just something that gets better over time and with practice. So then we have rigid boundaries. This is when your boundaries are just like entirely too strong. Alyssa Scolari [30:48]: Strong might not necessarily be the right word. I would say more rigid or inflexible boundaries. So when your boundaries are just entirely too rigid, and this can often look like folks who have like an all or nothing mentality sometimes. It's like I never, ever, ever will allow somebody to borrow money from me, never. And they just take that boundary to the grave. There is zero flexibility, there is zero chance of like, "Okay, well, what if your child is hard up for money and needs gas in their car? Are you going to say no? They need gas in their car to be able to get to work. What are you going to say?" Alyssa Scolari [31:36]: These people don't have space for that. They can't think of a gray area. It's like, "I am absolutely not going to do this or I am absolutely always going to do this. This could also be the person who go to the gym every single day. Now that could also be eating disorder related, but if this person's just like every single day, I have to be at the gym from 4:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. and they are so inflexible. Alyssa Scolari [32:04]: Something pops up, there's an emergency. I can't come, I'm at the gym. I can't come, I'm at the gym. There's no wiggle room in their boundaries. People who have rigid boundaries will often cut people off. Again, and I said this earlier. They will cut people off without making attempts to set healthy boundaries. They don't want to listen to anyone else's input, and really what rigid boundaries do is it protects people from getting too close to other people. Alyssa Scolari [32:38]: It protects from building relationships, it puts a wall between them and other people. So those are the three different types of boundaries. Hopefully if you have listened to this, you can identify which boundary you have and which category that you fall into. Now, Nedra in her book, and I think that this is really important to mention. She also goes on to say that there are a few of the major areas that people struggle with when it comes to boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [33:18]: And some of those areas are family, and I think this will make sense to a lot of us on this podcast. It is one of the hardest things to do to set boundaries with your family. Whether that's you can't keep giving money to your sister, or you don't want your brother living with you anymore, or you don't want your mother telling you how to parent your children. You don't want her input, things like that can be very, very difficult for people. Alyssa Scolari [33:54]: Work. So many people go to therapy because their work is so stressful. People really struggle to set boundaries with work especially in this new work from home environment that most of us have fallen into since COVID, or not most, many. It can be really, really difficult to make that determination of when am I going to stop checking my emails? When am I going to make a decision that I'm not going to pick up the phone when I boss is calling me? At what time is that going to stop? Alyssa Scolari [34:34]: Romantic relationships, this is also another huge one. People struggle if their partners are doing something that they don't appreciate, or that is harmful to them. People struggle, and I think a lot of that is the fear of abandonment. I don't want them to leave. Friends, very similar thing. People really struggle to set boundaries for friends because they're afraid of how people are going to react, and technology. Alyssa Scolari [35:02]: This is one that I think before really doing a deep dive into boundaries, I would've never even thought about, but it goes back to what I was saying in the beginning of the podcast where boundaries are really important to be able to set with yourself as well. How many hours a day am I going to be on my phone? How often am I going to check my email? Am I going to pick up the phone every time somebody calls me or am I going to let it go to voicemail, see what they want, and then get back to them when I have the space for it? Alyssa Scolari [35:36]: I've had to do a lot of hard work with technology in terms of just not scrolling TikTok at night, because all the blue light will keep you up for so much longer, and I struggle with insomnia. Just spending less and less time on social media because it depresses me. It really does, and also with emails and responding to people, feeling that need to just respond to people all the time versus looking at their texts or their voicemails, and then getting back to them when it's convenient for me. Alyssa Scolari [36:11]: If it's not, an emergency that I absolutely have to be there for like a life or death situation. So those are some of the main areas that Nedra Tawwab says that people struggle. And I believe it, I believe it. I think it's really, really fascinating. So that is a lot of information that I just threw at you. If I haven't convinced you already to get Nedra's book, this is me saying you totally should because it's a really, really good book, and I'm sure as I have spoken today, you all have been able to see a little bit of yourselves in what I am saying. Alyssa Scolari [36:54]: I am somebody who has poorest boundaries or I did have poorest boundaries. I think I have worked my way towards healthier boundaries, but I am just such a people pleaser. So this is something that I've had to work really hard on. It's been very difficult, but extremely rewarding because my life, my business, my relationships have been so much healthier as a result of working on these boundaries. Alyssa Scolari [37:25]: So this is not the end of our conversation my friends. This is only the beginning of us talking about boundaries. We've learned a lot about how people struggle, the different types of boundaries, and now, we are also going to talk about how we set those boundaries, what some of the fears are, how some people might react. We're going to get into more of the practical stuff. Alyssa Scolari [37:53]: I am really enjoying talking about this, and I hope that you have enjoyed listening. If you like what you hear, please feel free to leave us a review and a rating. It goes a really long way in helping to increase visibility of the podcast, and if you haven't done so already, you can also feel free to check out the Patreon link in the show notes. There you can donate to the podcast if you are liking what you hear. Alyssa Scolari [38:22]: Even a little bit goes a really long way in terms of helping to make this podcast a well-oiled machine. I am so grateful for the Patreon members that we have. Also, if you are a Patreon member, you can make a special request for episode topics. You can feel free to reach out to me and say, "Hi, I would love to hear from you." Take care, have a wonderful week, and I am holding you in the light. Alyssa Scolari [38:48]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support. Speaker 2 [39:25]: [Singing].
In this episode, we are joined by Alyssa and David Scolari as they share how they met in a career in social service and are now traversing their relationship while learning about and dealing with trauma. Alyssa suffers from PTSD and David is a happy-go-lucky kind of person, both understood that marriage is not about doing something for your partner because they did something for you. Alyssa reiterates the point by also sharing how they do not split 50-50 in the relationship all the time, especially when David had to work for 16 hours a day and switch the split when Alyssa is the one occupied. They also share how healing from trauma is never best done alone. Letting your partner into the healing process is helpful and also prepares them mentally and emotionally for the journey. More on this theme, shared by Alyssa and David so be sure to stay tuned! In this episode, you'll learn: ● Meeting marriage expectations and adjusting to reality ● How dealing with trauma shouldn't be done alone ● Why it's normal to feel the frustration ● Why doing activities and therapy together is helpful ● Choosing the right environment for healing ● And many more! About Alyssa and David Scolari: Alyssa and David Scolari have been together since June of 2016 and have been married for 4 years. Alyssa is a speaker, psychotherapist, and podcast host, treating adults and adolescents with trauma and eating disorders out of her independent practice in New Jersey. Alyssa is a trauma survivor herself, and created The Light After Trauma podcast as a way to hold an informative, inspirational, and safe space for other trauma survivors. David works for the federal government, managing grants to help organizations increase their levels of national and community service. Together they share a home in Pennsylvania with their three loving dogs. Find Alyssa and David on… Website: www.lightaftertrauma.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lightaftertrauma/ ++ Is your mindset getting in your way of being productive? Take this FREE ASSESSMENT to find out: https://www.lifepixuniversity.com/mindset
Depression might be clinically diagnosed as a very specific set of symptoms, but it is often so much more than that. Does your depression cause you to over-function? Does it cause you to under-function? Has your pain ever been invalidated because your symptoms don't look like the stereotypical symptoms of depression? If so, you are not alone! Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma We need your help! We want to continue to make great content that can help countless trauma warriors on their journey to recovery. So, please help us in supporting the podcast by becoming a recurring patron of the show via Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/lightaftertrauma Transcript: Alyssa Scolari [00:19]: Hello. Hello. Welcome back to the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari, back with a solo episode, after taking a few weeks of doing a guest episode with Rebecca Christensen. It was a two-part series on narcissistic abuse. If you haven't gotten a chance to check it out, it is very good. Go check it out. I was taking a break, mostly because I haven't been feeling that great and physically I'm feeling mostly okay. But emotionally I have not been feeling well at all. April is just not my month. And so I definitely needed a few weeks off. So Rebecca and I had done this two-part episode and I thought now was a perfect time to be able to share it with you all, because it gave me a little bit of a break just to be able to recuperate and try to recover a little bit. And quite honestly, I am still not feeling good, at all. Alyssa Scolari [01:33]: And I think there's a million reasons why. I already know the answer to the why, but the question of how do I get these feelings to go away or to leave? I have yet to answer that because I've been feeling terrible for, I would say at least like a month at this point. I have just been really struggling with depression. And I know that there's a lot going on. Just as an example, this time of year, particularly, is really hard because four years ago was when my mom got really, really sick and she almost died. In fact, we were told that she was going to die and she made it and she survived, but not without months of her being in the hospital and being in ICU and her being up and down and up and down. And one minute she wasn't going to make it. And the next minute she might have a chance. Alyssa Scolari [02:43]: It was an emotional rollercoaster for months. And I can't forget it and I will never forget it. And I think this time of year is when it just hits me the hardest. My body... You Bessel van der Kolk said it best, right? Your body keeps the score. And my body has been reminding me that this time of year, four years ago, was really, really hard. I spent like 24 hours a day, just like praying to every God out there, that my mom would live. And she did. But it's hard because I feel like... I don't want to sound ungrateful because I'm very, very grateful for the circumstances, and I know other people don't have circumstances like that. Other people do lose their parents. So I'm trying not to act like this was the worst thing that ever could have happened. But with that being said, I think that I need to acknowledge that it was very traumatic and it's not even just that. It's a million other things, too, that have been going on and changes in my life and shifts in my relationships that have been really, really hard for me. Alyssa Scolari [04:06]: And I have been depressed. And it's really interesting to hear myself say that because I have always held... I think prior to becoming a therapist, I have always held such a stigma of depression. And I notice that the people around me, the world around us, people hold such a stigma about it. People are so much more likely to say I have OCD or I have anxiety, right? Anxiety is the big one. Anybody will walk up to you and be like, oh, my anxiety. Oh, my anxiety. But very few people will just kind of start talking about their depression. That is largely in part because of the stigma that we place on depression. It's okay to talk about anxiety, but it's not okay to talk about depression. Alyssa Scolari [05:00]: I don't really know why. I could theorize why I think that depression is kind of more serious sounding. And when people think depression, they think suicidal. And when people think suicidal, it makes them very uncomfortable. And therefore, we don't even want to breach that topic. So we're not even talking about it. I think that has a lot to do with it. But ultimately, I don't know for sure. But what I do know is that I even internalized that stigma for a while and had a really hard time talking about my depression. Happy to say, I don't have that hard of a time talking about it anymore. I feel like I've really released that stigma. And so that's what we're talking about today. Alyssa Scolari [05:45]: We are talking about depression. I think we really haven't yet just sat down, me and you, the listener, and had a chat about depression. I've had people on the show that I've talked about depression. Depression has been a theme of almost every episode that we've done, but what does it actually look like? And I think that what has really inspired me lately to share about this topic and to speak on this topic is, I think a lot of the judgements that I have received about my own depression, because if you had a conversation with me, you would have no clue that I was depressed. In fact, you would get the impression of the exact opposite. You would think that I was the happiest person in the world. In fact, people often describe me as being bubbly, which blows my mind, because that is the furthest thing from how I view myself... like bubbly me. Alyssa Scolari [06:53]: Absolutely not. I've often been compared to... I don't know if anybody's going to remember this, but the Powerpuff Girls with Buttercup, Bubbles and Blossom. That was one of my favorite shows growing up. People often compared me to Bubbles, who was like this very adorable little bubbly blonde. She was my favorite when I was growing up. And people often compare me to her and I don't see myself that way at all. So let's just talk for a second about what depression actually is, because contrary to what I think a lot of folks believe, depression is very, very, very different from sadness and in the DSM, which is that book that has all of the mental health diagnoses, it is really classified by multiple symptoms. And those symptoms are not like sadness. Sadness or a sad mood, is not a symptom of depression. That is how different they are... they're not even close. Sad versus depression... completely different things. Alyssa Scolari [08:08]: So some of the symptoms of depression include, a loss of appetite or overeating... so maybe issues with getting in touch with your hunger and fullness cues, or even your hydration cues, your thirst cues. Issues with sleeping... having depleted energy, or maybe being tired all the time, feeling fatigued all the time. Having a low self-esteem, difficulty with concentrating or making decisions. Feelings of hopelessness or despair is another one. The loss of interest and pleasure in a lot of the activities that you used to once find very pleasurable. Problems sleeping... either you can't fall asleep or you wake up throughout the night or you're having nightmares all the time. Perhaps changes in weight. Perhaps not always. We talked about low energy, problems thinking or making decisions, thoughts of guilt or worthlessness. And it can be, again, not always, repeated thoughts of death or suicide or a suicide attempt. Alyssa Scolari [09:20]: So basically there's two different kinds of depression in the DSM. There's major depressive disorder. And then there's different severities of that. So it can be mild, it can be moderate, it can be severe. It can be with psychotic features without psychotic features. Or we're not going to go into that today, because honestly, that's just going to bore you, but major depressive disorder... and that is when you have to have these symptoms, at least five of the symptoms for at least two weeks, then you can classify or qualify for having major depressive disorder. Then there's dysthymia. And dysthymia is also known as persistent depressive disorder. Now, persistent depressive disorder, or PDD, or dysthymia as you'll hear me call it throughout this episode, is less severe than major depressive disorder, but it lasts for much longer. So instead of having to meet five of those symptoms that I listed for PDD, you only have to meet two of those symptoms. Alyssa Scolari [10:31]: So it's certainly a less severe form of depression. But in order to have dysthymia, you have to have felt this way for at least two years with little to no relief. Whereas major depressive disorder is sort of like extremely depressed, noticeable changes, severe changes, but then you come out of it and then maybe you go back into it again, dysthymia is sort of this lower level or like lower grade depression that is just always there. I got to be honest. I don't love this. I really don't love the way the DSM breaks down depression, because honestly, what the fuck? Like, okay, well, what if somebody has both? What if somebody has low level depression all the time, but then it gets really, really bad sometimes. Or there's just so many loose ends with these with the way that depression is listed in the DSM. Alyssa Scolari [11:31]: And I've also almost always seen depression be a part of other mental health disorders. So it's, is this person dysthymic? Do they have PDD or do they have trauma that's taking them years to recover from. And as a result of the trauma, they have depression. Do we keep throwing diagnoses at people and just say, oh, well you have major depressive disorder. Oh, well it's been two years. And now you have PDD... I guess I don't agree with it. I think it's very confusing for folks. And I think it's very confusing even for mental health professionals. But, alas, this is what we're working with here. But I think that it's important to note that this really isn't the be-all end-all for depression. I know I've said this before, but in order to even create these diagnoses, there's no one way to create a diagnosis that's going to be the way for all of eternity. Alyssa Scolari [12:30]: Basically what happens is a bunch of mental health professionals get together in a room and decide what criteria needs to be in place in order to meet... in order to get a diagnosis. So humans are fallible. Therefore, I think that all of these diagnoses in themselves can be fallible. And that's what we're talking about today, because the way that depression is listed in the DSM and the way that therapists are trained to spot depression is very, very stereotypical, which is great, but the majority of people don't operate like this. Maybe not the majority, but many, many, many people do not experience these symptoms, but have depression or don't experience these symptoms outwardly, I should say. Alyssa Scolari [13:28]: So for example, if we can look at Winnie the Pooh for a second... bear with me. Let's take a look at Eeyore. Eeyore is your classic depression. He is depressed, right? Whether he has major depressive disorder or dysthymia... I would say he could probably have both. He perpetually has a low grade level of depression. I think sometimes maybe he feels a little better, especially after he finds his tail. But I would say that he also can suffer from major depressive disorder. I think that he doesn't function as well as the other members of Winnie the Pooh. And I do think that he could meet... I mean, I don't know for sure, but I think that if we talk to Eeyore, if I had him in my office, I think there's a strong possibility that he could have at least five of the symptoms that also would give him a diagnosis of major depressive disorder. Alyssa Scolari [14:36]: When we look at Eeyore, we have no questions about it. We are... Eeyore is depressed, but we can't really look at many people and go, that person is depressed. We just can't. It doesn't work like that. Most people don't walk around acting that way or showing that, and depression has so many different faces. And this is where I tend to get very frustrated because I think that again, as a society, people expect that depression is going to just look like the moping sad person, but it's not. And I have had multiple interactions lately, where, especially in this last month, as I said, I have not been doing well with... my depression has been... it's felt unbearable, to be honest. I don't feel well. And it sucks. And I am doing my best to work through it. And I am engaging in all of the coping skills. Alyssa Scolari [15:42]: I am not isolating myself. I'm trying to go out with friends. I am trying to get outside as much as I can, but at the end of the day, I still feel depressed. I still do. And I am just sort of like trying to ride the wave and wait for it to pass. But because I don't look depressed, my depression doesn't get taken seriously. So let's talk about what depression might look like on me, because, well, basically when we look at depression and anxiety and perhaps a few other mental health disorders, we have people who go into really essentially two different categories. We have chronic overfunctioners and then we have chronic underfunctioners. Alyssa Scolari [16:34]: I am somebody who is an overfunctioner when I am depressed... meaning I will get out of bed. I will brush my teeth. I will do my hair. I will work the entire week. I will extend myself when people need me. If people reach out to me, I will make sure that I respond immediately. I will answer all my emails. I will prepare all my meals. I will eat. I will drink. I will go out with friends. Like I am go, go, go, go, go, go, go. I appear happy. I appear bubbly. I am laughing. I am cracking jokes. I know I shared on my Instagram story... for those of you who follow me, a couple weeks ago, I shared that I had gone out with friends and I went out to meet them for really the first time this... the one person I knew I hadn't seen her in years, but the other people, I didn't know. And that is really, really scary for me. Especially being in a state where I had been feeling really depressed and really vulnerable. Alyssa Scolari [17:40]: I put myself in this situation, which I thought was going to help my depression. And it did. I think that it did, but I went out and I had a good time. Everybody was great. I felt like I was with people who were very similar to me. And I was the life of the party. I was literally the life of the party. I was cracking jokes. I was telling stories. I was laughing. I was engaged. I was making eye contact. I wasn't on my phone at all. I was playing with the animals. I was great. If anybody had been in that room and they had talked to me or they had even watched me, they would say, nope, there's zero risk factor here. What people don't know is that I came home that night and I was getting ready for bed. And I was very much in my head about, oh my God, did they like me? Did I say something stupid? Was I annoying? They probably hate me. I wonder if I'll be invited back. No, I definitely am not going to be invited back. Alyssa Scolari [18:48]: And I had a quick exchange with my husband and he said something to me that I interpreted incorrectly as a result of already being on edge. I sort of thought that he was like upset with me and I lost it. Like had a panic attack that lasted four hours. And look, I know that a lot of people love to say panic attacks only last three to five minutes. That is some bull shit, okay? That is some bullshit. If somebody says that to you, that's because they've never had a panic attack before. Panic attacks do not last for only three to five minutes. I could not breathe for hours. I was hyperventilating. I was sobbing. I was disassociated. I was... I was gone. I was gone. I was in a level of emotional pain that felt absolutely unbearable for me. Alyssa Scolari [19:54]: And as a result of that chronic breakdown, I barely slept. I woke up the next day feeling emotionally hungover. I was exhausted. And when I'm tired, I get even more depressed. So I kind of like lost my weekend to a meltdown that I had merely hours after going out and appearing like everything was absolutely fine. When I am depressed, and when people who are overfunctioners are depressed, you're not going to see us kind of like laying in bed. You're going to see us going and going and going and going until we break. And that is sort of... that is what I do. That is my tendency. And the more depressed I am, the more high energy I'm going to be. Maybe that sounds a little wild, but here's my reasoning behind it. Alyssa Scolari [20:50]: I can't speak for other people, but my reasoning behind it is because the more upset I feel... the more depressed I feel, the more vulnerable I am and I hate being vulnerable. It is really, really terrifying for me. I am working on it, right? The part of this podcast is... this whole episode is me being vulnerable. This is really hard to talk about, but when I'm vulnerable, because I hate it so much, I feel like I need to put on more of a show so that people can't tell that I'm hurting because it almost keeps people at bay, right... because people can't look at me and see my sadness. So they're not going to ask... because I'm like, don't ask me. Please don't look at me. Please don't see through me. I don't want you to see through me and see that I am in agony. I over function. So nobody knows. Alyssa Scolari [21:44]: Outwardly I don't display any of those symptoms, but I come home and I fall apart. And every symptom is there. I know one of the sure-fire ways when I am depressed, is that I stop drinking water. I literally just stop. Like I cannot get in touch with my thirst cues at all. And then my hunger cues go away. And then I feel tired all the time and I stop eating. And it's like... this past Saturday, I don't think I ate a full meal until four o'clock. And that is so unlike me, because I'm usually so good at getting all my meals in. Alyssa Scolari [22:26]: So depression can look like over-functioning. So please do not look at the people around you who appear to have it all together and say, oh, you don't know what it feels like. You don't know what it's like to be depressed... because I've had several people kind of say that to me this past month where, if somebody asks me how I'm doing, and I'm, honestly, I haven't been doing well. Or I said... I had an event to go to where I actually said hey, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it. I'm not really feeling well. And you know, this person was, oh, are you sick? And I was, no, honestly, just emotionally not doing well. Don't think I want to go. I really think I need this night to myself. And this person was... this person is not a close friend of mine, at all. Alyssa Scolari [23:16]: So I didn't really... it's not like this person like knows me really well. And it's not like I really care all that much that this person said this, but it does kind of piss me off... in general, I'm not angry at the person, but just in general, as a society like that, we think this way, because this person was, oh, but you look happy all the time, when I see you. I didn't know you were going through stuff emotionally. And I wanted to be, well, we are all going through stuff emotionally. Have you not been around for the past several years? We are all going through it. What do you mean, I didn't look sad? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't look sad. And I've just had several little comments like that throughout my life of people being, oh, well you didn't look sad or, oh, well, depression... you never told me you were depressed. First of all, I don't need to tell you. I don't need to tell you. Alyssa Scolari [24:17]: But second of all, I don't care what I look like. I'm telling you my experience. Why are you invalidating it? And so I think the people who have depression, who over-function really struggle with this, as much as we kind of over-function because it's protective for us and we don't want to let people in. We also feel really, really hurt when people invalidate us. Now, listen, I'm not saying that's anybody's problem to fix. I need to be perhaps not so guarded and I need to learn how to tone down my over-functioning and I have... even telling somebody, hey, no, I can't go to this, I need to take care of myself... that is huge for me because in the past I would've been like, go, go, go, go, go. Because I grew up being taught that it is never okay to inconvenience somebody else for your own personal needs. Alyssa Scolari [25:13]: Right? I grew up being taught that all that matters is making other people happy. I grew up being taught that it only matters what you look like to others... doesn't actually matter how you feel. What matters the most is what you look like to others. But some people, when they're depressed, they become underfunctioners. And that is okay. We tend to glorify overfunctioners. And I hate that because overfunctioners, as a result of never letting themselves really feel their feelings and slow down, they tend to develop high blood pressure and high blood pressure is actually considered the silent killer. It is considered the silent killer and studies have found over the years that so many folks with high blood pressure have been able to manage it through stress management. So it is all so linked. So, but here we are glorifying overfunctioners. Alyssa Scolari [26:15]: underfunctioners don't necessarily have the same struggle with the high blood pressure. They might, right? They may, but it's not necessarily a result of them under functioning because your underfunctioners are people who have trouble showering. They have trouble brushing their teeth in the morning. They have trouble eating or drinking, or they will not text anyone back for weeks at a time. They won't show up to anything. They sort of fall off the face of the earth and they struggle with even the most basic things. Simply the act of breathing can feel difficult on the days where the depression is really, really bad. Alyssa Scolari [27:05]: Now there is also a stigma against underfunctioners. And that stigma is that they are lazy. They are flaky. They are dirty, right, especially when we talk about how hygiene can sometimes go, when we're feeling really depressed. So many people turn their nose up to that. Ew, oh God, Ew. How could you not brush your teeth? I don't understand how you could just not brush your teeth and lay in bed all day. Or I don't understand how you could just not wash your sheets for two months. I get infuriated when people say things like this, and honestly, I have been surrounded by people my whole life who are overfunctioners who disparage underfunctioners. How could you let your house get dirty? How could you do this? How could you do that? It's called depression and we need to stop judging it. Alyssa Scolari [28:07]: Now I am not saying that every single person with a filthy home has depression. That's not what I'm saying here, but what I'm saying is these can be signs of depression. If you walk into someone's home for the first time and you notice that it is dirty, that might not be because that person is lazy or doesn't care or wasn't raised right. No, that can be a huge red flag for depression. Somebody's bad breath could be a huge red flag. Maybe it was all they could do just to get to work. So I'm trying to get us to understand that depression doesn't just look like some sad, mopey, Eeyore-like character. Depression can look like the person who comes in with a full face of makeup. You know, they come into work with a full face of makeup and a minty fresh breath, or it can be the person who comes in... they look like they barely put a comb through their hair and their breath reeks. Alyssa Scolari [29:11]: We can't call people names as a result of either. We cannot look at underfunctioners and make judgements on their character when we don't know, because that could be the face of depression. The person with a full face of makeup could be the face of depression. I am the face of depression. I am one of the many faces of depression. I struggle with depression on a regular basis. I have been so tired at times that I haven't been sure how I am going to go on. There are days where I under function as well. They are a little bit more rare for me because my tendency is to over-function, but there have been days where I'm like, I can't get out of this bed. I just can't do it. And therefore, I didn't eat. Therefore, I never got to brush my teeth and you know what? I am no less of a person. It doesn't make me lazy. It doesn't make me gross. It doesn't make me unhygienic. My teeth haven't fallen out. I have not hurt anybody as a result of my under functioning. Alyssa Scolari [30:33]: So there are stereotypes of both, overfunctioning under functioning, major depressive disorder, dysthymia. Whatever you may be struggling with, whatever anybody may be struggling with, it is still excruciating pain. And I want us to remember that the next time we go to cast aspersions on somebody or make judgements. And I want us to remember that the next time that we are in conversations with people, because I, myself am like a victim of being... or not a victim. I'm not a victim. I am a victim of people kind of looking at me and saying, oh, well, you can't be depressed, but I have been wrong before by looking at other people and being like, huh? Why didn't you shower? Like what is going on here? Right. I have judged people by being like, what the heck happened. That can be a face of depression. Alyssa Scolari [31:31]: So this is something for all of us to work on, but this is also something for us to learn about ourselves. Are you an over-functioner? Are you an underfunctioner? What does your depression look like, because what I described coming out of the DSM, that's not all depression can look like. And I think that once we sort of identify for ourselves what it looks like for us, then we are able to catch it much more quickly and can then work to recover from it. It's not always going to look like it does in the textbooks. It's going to look different for each and every one of us. So I think it is really helpful to figure out what it looks like for you. Alyssa Scolari [32:14]: And one way you can do that is by journaling, right? What does my depression look like for me? And you can think of all of the examples that I've just given and you can decide for yourself. And maybe there are things that I've left out. Maybe there are things that I am not aware of myself. Hey, let me know. You know where to find me, and, oh, I don't think I mentioned that at the beginning of this episode, but you can give us a follow over at Light After Trauma on Instagram. Alyssa Scolari [32:42]: And if you are a Patreon member, and you would like, you can certainly request an episode topic. I know a few of you have done so, and I am working on getting to them. When I get an episode topic, I like to do my research on said topic because I don't want to come in just like making stuff up... obviously that's not helpful for anybody, so I like to do my research. So once you request a topic, it is going to take me some time because I want to look into it. I want to read about it. And I want to feel equipped enough to be able to share with you what I've learned, especially if it's not something that I'm familiar with. So just keep that in mind. The Patreon is in the show notes, so you can feel free to go and check that out. Alyssa Scolari [33:29]: And thank you so much for the support as always. If you have not done so already, please feel free to leave a rating or review of the podcast. It helps so much. I hope that everybody's having a good week. I am hoping and I'm praying for a better week on my end. I am just... yeah, I am feeling terrible and I don't have any follow ups... there's no buts after. There's no, oh, I know it's going to get better because... I do know it's going to get better, but it's not helpful for me to kind of say that. Sometimes we just need to be in it. And that's kind of where I am. I just need to be in it. I just need to acknowledge that I am not even a little bit okay, but I am I'm here and I'm doing my best to keep myself moving and enjoying the sunshine and just making the most. But it is what it is for right now until I feel better. Alyssa Scolari [34:35]: So I hope that you are all doing very well. I love you all. I am holding you in the light and I will see you next week. Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media... on Instagram we are @lightaftertrauma and on Twitter it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you. And we appreciate your support.
Good stuff from Vince on his path to becoming a capital raiser and partner on various GP deals. https://laurencerosecapital.com/
Check Playlist This episode of The Five Count featured an exclusive interview with actor Dian Bachar. Dian is best known for his role as Kenny "Squeak" Scolari in the film BASEketball. He's also appeared in films like Orgazmo, Cannibal! The Musical, and the TV show South Park. During the show he discussed how he met Trey Parker, his memories of working on Cannibal! The Musical, and his new film Nightmare Alley. Shpadoinkle! During the rest of the show we discussed WrestleMania weekend, Ton explained the current preamp tube shortage we're facing, and we rejoiced over the announcement that Ozzy Osbourne has a new line of gin. It's called The Ultimate Gin! https://youtu.be/ztSSzTA5Z90
Vince's real estate experience began early in life. His family has always shared the value of property investments, passing on the knowledge and the assets from generation to generation. After he graduated from Santa Clara University with a degree in Business Management, he started his career in Risk Management for construction and development. He found himself getting close to different development projects, contractors and seeing how the property landscape was rapidly evolving in the Bay Area. He started investing in syndications right out of college, seeing the power that equity growth could bring. He eventually became a Partner and Owner at his Brokerage after growing his client base and adding significant value to his firm. Let's tune in to his story! [00:01 - 11:15] Opening Segment Want to know the best-kept secret when it comes to investing in single or multifamily flips? Hire an interior designer. Elevate your design, reconfigure your floor plans and develop functional spaces all to maximize your ROI. Melanie Rene Designs has over 12 years of experience designing in the San Diego real estate market and is ready to help you increase your profits on flips buying, wholesale short-term rentals retail, and more! Just reach out to Melanie at melanierene@gmail.com. Vince goes down memory lane and shares with us his journey to real estate Time in the Market versus Timing in the Market [11:16 - 27:23] Structuring Your Deals in Difficult Times The Important Role of Debt Debt is a constant factor Foresight and flexibility of debt Lessons as an LP Know your operator Deal with market changes Vince shares his GP experience Opportunities, responsibilities, and pressure of a real estate investor The Legacy Round Vince talks about his recent joint venture deal [27:24 - 34:51] Slice of Knowledge Vince's Last Words “Freedom!” --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/ikedre/message
Addressing your trauma in therapy can be one of the hardest, bravest things you'll ever do. But before you do so, there are important safety measures that need to be put in place in order for therapy to be effective. Trying to process trauma without having safety and security in other areas of your life can lead to re-traumatization and an overall negative treatment experience. Tune into this week's episode to learn about what you may need to make therapy as helpful as possible. **Every donation to Patreon for the month of March will go to Doctors Without Borders to help support those injured in Ukraine. Alyssa will personally match your donation. See the podcast Patreon and learn more about Doctors Without Borders below!** Patreon Learn more about Doctors Without Borders Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of The Light After Trauma Podcast. And if you're new here, well just welcome in general. So happy to have you, happy to be here. We've got a little bit of a shorter episode coming at you today. It's been kind of a wild week for me, so please forgive me. I have had so many appointments, just like doctor's appointments after doctor's appointments and it's all good stuff, I'm doing well, things are fine. But it has just been a lot and I've been a little overwhelmed. So I actually originally wanted to talk about something else today, but I've been getting a lot of questions from you all about really the process of starting the trauma work, meaning like working through your trauma, trying to get yourself into recovery from your trauma. And this is a really important thing to talk about. Alyssa Scolari [01:22]: And I had a lot of questions this week in my private practice and through the podcast of just like, how do I even begin to start this? And I think that's a really important question. And I don't think that it's really talked about a whole lot. I think some people think, well, you just sign up for therapy and you go and you start talking about it, but doing that can actually be dangerous. There are certain safety measures that have to be put in place for the trauma therapy to work, the trauma recovery to be effective. So that is what we were talking about today. Alyssa Scolari [02:03]: So just a few housekeeping things before we get into it. Number one, I just want to remind everybody that for the month of March, we are donating to Doctors Without Borders to help the people in Ukraine right now. So you can read more about Doctors Without Borders in the show notes. And what we're doing for this month is if you become a Patreon member, which you can sign up to be a Patreon member, again go right to the show notes, whatever you decide to donate for the month of March is going to go directly to doctors without borders and to take it even one step further, I am going to personally match your donation. Alyssa Scolari [02:46]: So I really think this is a great way to raise some money, to be able to send over and help Ukraine, because I don't know about you all, but I have been feeling so helpless and I am just kind of looking for ways to help. So again, head right to the show notes. We are donating the month of March, whoever signs up on our Patreon, whatever you decide to donate for March is going to go to doctors without borders. And then I am also going to personally match your donation. So thank you ahead of time for that up. Alyssa Scolari [03:19]: And then lastly, I wanted to thank everybody. We've got another review on the podcast. Well, a few other reviews across different platforms. I know there was one that was up on Spotify and there was another one on Apple Podcasts and I'm really excited. These reviews help so much. They help move the podcast up in the rankings. And when your podcast moves up in the rankings, it then becomes more available to people. People are more likely to see it pop up on recommendations for them if they happen to be Googling something or searching for something. And the goal is really to give people the chance to have free access to some type of mental health education and support. So your reviews go such a long way in supporting this podcast even more than the Patreon. Although the Patreon is so helpful too, because this podcast does cost quite a bit of money. There's a lot of funds that go into it. Alyssa Scolari [04:20]: So the Patreon is so helpful as well. And I just appreciate all of the support from all of you. So if you are able to sign up to become a patron, that's fantastic. And if not, no worries. If you're able to leave a review, that is also amazing. And also remember that if you haven't given us a follow on Instagram yet, please go follow us. The Instagram handle is Light After Trauma. And I also should mention that if you do decide to become a Patreon member, you can also request specific episode topics. So if there's something that I haven't talked about yet, that you would really like me to discuss, if you're a Patreon member, you absolutely can message me through Patreon and you can request specific topics. So I think that covers it for the housekeeping things. Alyssa Scolari [05:13]: So without further ado, let's get into it. So as I was saying before, in order to do the trauma work, if you are considering starting therapy, or maybe you have tried to do the trauma work before, and it just hasn't worked out, it has been too painful or too overwhelming for you, or maybe that's not the case. Maybe you're like, no, I can't even think about starting the trauma work and I wouldn't even know where to begin. I think that this is going to be really helpful for you. It was really helpful for me and it continues to be helpful for me as I understand really what I need in my life to be able to process certain events, or memories, or specific traumas. So you need a certain level of safety. And when I say safety, I'm talking about really two main types of things. Alyssa Scolari [06:13]: You need emotional safety, but you also need physical safety. And I'm going to talk a little bit more about each of those. So let's start with physical safety. I learned, and I'm sure anybody who has ever studied any kind of psychology, has learned about something called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. And one thing at the top of this pyramid, basically what Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is, and don't quote me on this directly because it's been a little bit of time since undergrad. But basically it is this hierarchy of needs, it's this pyramid of things that you need in your life in order to have a sense of safety and in order to reach a sense of happiness and contentment in your life. Alyssa Scolari [07:03]: And one of the first things is physical safety and a sense of security. And I'm talking like you're very, very basic stuff. So like all the way at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid is like, you're psychological needs. We're talking food, we are talking water, we are talking shelter, things like that. We need those things in order to do anything in life. Alyssa Scolari [07:33]: If you are struggling with what you are going to eat, if you don't have enough money to pay for food, if you can't pay your bills, if you have credit card debt, if you are about to be kicked out, if you're about to be evicted from your home, you can't do the trauma work safely when your physical needs aren't being met. And so many people, millions of people around this world can't do the trauma work because that is the type of environment that they are living in. They are living paycheck to paycheck, if that, they are barely able to make ends meet, every single minute is a struggle or a stressor of thinking, what am I going to do next? What are we going to eat tonight? How am I going to feed, I don't know myself, my kids? And it's how am I going to pay for the doctors? Things like that. Alyssa Scolari [08:36]: I can't go to the doctors because I don't have insurance because I can't afford insurance. I can't go get my cavity taken care of. So I am in constant pain all of the time, because I can't afford a dentist. It's really bad in the United States when it comes to healthcare. Really bad. I know like in Germany, Germany and other countries, it's a lot easier to have affordable healthcare. In the United States, it is nearly impossible unless you have a job where you are given good insurance. And even then, it can be expensive depending on your deductibles and things like that. But when people are struggling just to live, just to breathe and feed themselves, when people don't have access to clean water, they can't do the trauma work. When people can't get to a doctor, but are experiencing excruciating pain, they can't do the trauma work. Not because there's anything wrong with them. God, no, that's not it at all, but because it's not safe. Alyssa Scolari [09:57]: And why is it not safe? Well, because trauma work takes so much of you and it requires you to live in your body, to work towards living in your body when the trauma that we've experienced causes us to want to disassociate and leave our bodies. It's really, really hard to just live in a body and to revisit all of our past memories and to try to integrate them with who we are now, when we don't really have a ton of protective factors. It's not like we can say, well, I was really traumatized back then, but right now, I'm safe because you're not. If you're somebody who's struggling and living paycheck to paycheck, that's not a sense of safety and security. Alyssa Scolari [10:55]: So you're already in a state where you are being traumatized by your situation in the present, or what's happening to you is re-traumatizing you from things you dealt with in the past. So if you're already in a state of not feeling safe to then go back and rehash all those memories and to ask you to be present and not dissociate would be a complete override of your system. It would just be so ... It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair for anybody to ask you to do that, but it also just wouldn't be safe for people to do that. Alyssa Scolari [11:36]: I also see this a lot in people who repress their trauma and who don't ... They really don't remember their trauma. They don't remember what happened to them. I am one of those people for those of you who are new and don't really know my story. I am somebody who has repressed my trauma. I did not know anything for years. If you had asked me 10 years ago, if I thought that I had trauma, I would've been like, absolutely not. I don't really even know what that is. Are you out of your mind? And then what happened is I got married and this event happened and it was a horrible event. And I don't think I've talked about it on the podcast. And I will talk about it one day soon. I've just honestly still been processing the fallout from it myself. So I will talk about it soon, but this horrible event happened that started to trigger all of these memories in me. Alyssa Scolari [12:36]: And it wasn't just that event that caused me to remember. It wasn't just that horrible event. But I also had established a sense of safety. Before I had gotten married, I was so, so stressed out. I was in grad school. I was making such little money. I was in a job that was extremely dangerous. I was not well taken care of by my supervisors at all. They did not care. They were asking me to go into people's homes, to deal people who were very dangerous. They were asking me to go in completely alone. I was working all the time and I also was really, really sick physically. I was very sick physically. I had absolutely no space to do the trauma work. Alyssa Scolari [13:32]: And really my whole life, I was so sick with my eating disorder. Plus I also had been around people who were extremely unsafe for me. So I was not going to be able to remember what happened to me. I wasn't going to be able to process my trauma. If you are a child and you are living with a household member who is abusive, it's going to be really hard for you to acknowledge that that person is abusive because you still have to live with them. So it's not like you can go to a therapist and say, "Hey, I think I'm being abused." I mean, listen, you can. There people who do, I certainly have had plenty of children in my office who have said, "I think I'm being abused." Alyssa Scolari [14:23]: But sometimes our brains repress, our brains push things down and don't let us even know or acknowledge that we are being abused because it wouldn't be safe for us. In order to really do the trauma work, it's really important for you to be in an environment in which you are not having to stress about your physical needs, meaning you're not having to worry about somebody abusing you, you're not having to worry about how you're going to get your next meal, or you're not worried about the quality of your water, things like that. Not worried about being kicked out of your home. Those are things that are essential. Alyssa Scolari [15:07]: So here's the other thing that's needed, and that's emotional safety. And that can be kind of tricky because this isn't to say that all of your emotional problems need to go away before you do the trauma work. That would be absolutely ridiculous. But what this really means is that it's very hard to do deep trauma work if you are battling with an addiction that is hindering your ability to function in life. It's very hard to do the trauma work if you are struggling with an eating disorder. If you are malnourished, or if you are binge eating, or purging to the point where it's consuming your life, you're not going to have space to do the trauma work. If you are self-harming, it's going to be really hard to do the trauma work because ... In a sense of safety, but it's more of an emotional sense of safety. Alyssa Scolari [16:09]: It will be really hard to keep yourself safe if you are harming yourself or you are sick with an eating disorder. We can't expect that you're then going to walk into a therapist's office while you're sick with, let's say, an eating disorder and then start talking about your deepest traumatic memories. Or start processing all the emotions that have come up through your childhood trauma. It just wouldn't be safe because so many of our addictions and our self-harm strategies, including eating disorders are designed to sort of keep that trauma suppressed. So what tends to happen if we are trying to work through trauma before getting any kind of grip on self-harm, suicidality, eating disorders, addiction is that we talk about our trauma and then that causes our self-harm or our eating disorders to increase. And we tend to turn to these things even more because don't have the proper tools that we need to learn what to do with the feelings that come up when we're doing the trauma work. Alyssa Scolari [17:21]: So again, it's not realistic to expect that if you're struggling with an eating disorder, or if you struggle with self-harm, it's not realistic to expect that you are never going to have urges to self-harm. No, there were plenty of times that I had urges to self-harm and times where I even did self-harm throughout my trauma recovery. But I do know that there was a time in my therapy process where I was pushed very inappropriately so to dive into memories that I should not have been diving into because A, you really don't need to rehash the details of your trauma in order to heal. And that's a topic for another episode. But B, I was not safe enough. I was self-harming a lot. And I was essentially persuaded or coerced into going through the intimate details of many of my traumatic memories during this time. And it landed me in the hospital ultimately. Alyssa Scolari [18:44]: It was horrible and I became worse and worse and worse. And I realize now how damaging that was for me, because I didn't have the tools to be able to take good care of myself. What I needed was help on the self-harm first. And once I got help with that, and once I stopped doing that, I was able to then go back and work through a lot of my old trauma in a much safer setting. Again, that is not to say that the urges to self-harm didn't come up. Same thing with my eating disorder. I really needed to take care of my eating disorder, which I did. I, first was in treatment for an eating disorder before I knew anything about trauma. So I was taking care of that and I continued to take care of that even once I knew I had trauma. Alyssa Scolari [19:43]: That way, while I was working through the trauma, I didn't dive right back into my eating disorder to the point where I got so sick that it nearly killed me. Of course there were times where I would have a really rough day at therapy and I would binge, and it was a learning experience. But it wasn't something that was happening all the time. And my symptoms continued to improve instead of worsen. Let's say that you get your eating disorder under control or the self-harm under control, and you start the trauma therapy process. And then all of a sudden, you find yourself right back into your eating disorder in the same severity as before, or maybe even worse. That might be a sign that you might not be ready to address this part of your recovery, or maybe this specific memory, or maybe you just need a little bit more work in terms of your eating disorder. Alyssa Scolari [20:46]: I can't say for sure, obviously. I'm not you. But I am just trying to give examples of the different ways in which safety, both physical and emotional, can be really important in this role. I make sure to ask all of my clients about their safety habits. I make sure before we do any kind of trauma processing that I know that they have a sense of safety, both physical and emotional. I would never, in a million years ask somebody who has come to me, who has been self-harming to relive traumatic memories. It would be a horrible thing to do, and it was done to me, and it is a horrible, horrible feeling. Alyssa Scolari [21:38]: So I hope that this is helpful because a lot of you really have asked me a lot about this. And I also just want to say that when it comes to treatment, one size doesn't fit all. Some people can do both. Some people certainly can. I think it's rarer, but I'm a never say never kind of woman. So I do think that perhaps it can be done, but I also think that I have talked with so many people who have tried to do the trauma work, but then have said things like it was just too bad and I almost lost my life. And I tried to commit suicide or complete suicide, I should say. Just as a little FYI and the reason I'm not taking this out in editing is because I think that language is really important when we talk about suicide. And when we use the word commit, it makes it sound like people did something horrible, like they committed a crime. But when we say complete suicide, I think it takes a lot of the stigma away from it. So that's why I corrected myself there. Alyssa Scolari [22:47]: So anyway, I've had people say, "I tried to complete suicide when I started to go through the trauma work." And I think one of the first questions that I always ask people when they tell me that is like, well, tell me about your environment. Tell me about your sense of safety. Are you doing okay? Are you well fed? Are you well nourished? Are you living in a safe home? Do you have good shelter? Do you have people in your life who you can talk to? Who can support you? Who are safe people that you can trust? Do you have some sort of financial stability? Are you struggling with an eating disorder, with self-harm, with addiction? Because these are all things that need to be worked on in order for the safety to be there in trauma work. Alyssa Scolari [23:40]: And sometimes this is why people go up to inpatient. People feel like they can't keep themselves safe and they go up to inpatient and they help get themselves stabilized. And then they come back out to outpatient and then they do the trauma work. Again, not a one size fits all, but I do think it's really important to know that there are huge steps to try to take before you do the trauma work, and it can potentially be unsafe to just dive right in. With that being said, I want you all to dive in. This is what we do here. These are the things we talk about. So take those steps, do what you have to do. Not to say that everything is in your control. Financial stability is really hard to come by in this country right now. And the prices just keep rising and rising and rising. And my heart is shattered for all of us. Alyssa Scolari [24:41]: So it is not the easiest thing to do and it is not always in our control. And I do want to acknowledge that. But these ultimately are the important things to be able to start doing some sort of trauma work. And at the end of the day, if you're hearing this and you're feeling like something resonates with you and you're like, oh, maybe I'm not quite ready. If you have a therapist, please talk to your therapist about it because your therapist is going to know way better than I do. I'm not your therapist. I'm a therapist. I've got a good bit of knowledge on this subject, but ultimately nobody knows you better than you. And if you have a great therapist and you've been with your therapist for a while, there's a good chance that you're a therapist is going to know too. Alyssa Scolari [25:29]: So don't be afraid to start asking questions about this kind of stuff and make sure that you're keeping it in the back of your mind, because this work is really hard. It's some of the hardest work that you'll ever do. It's, of course, the most rewarding work that you'll ever do, but safety is so important. So with that being said, I hope that this has helped you today. I like this. I think it's a really interesting topic to talk about. And I know a lot of you have been asking about it. So I hope that this is helpful and I wish everybody a fantastic week. I am over here on the East Coast in the United States. And we got slammed with snow today, which was a little ridiculous in my opinion. But hey, it is what it is. So I hope that you all are enjoying warmer weather than what I'm having. And I am holding you all in the light. Talk to you next week. Alyssa Scolari [26:28]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are at lightaftertrauma and on Twitter, it is at lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you and we appreciate your support. [singing]
Childhood trauma comes in a variety of different forms – no two trauma survivors have identical histories. However, what all trauma survivors have in common are experiences with the five core wounds that have led to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other mental health disorders. In this episode Alyssa talks about the last two (2) core wounds and how they manifest in adulthood (to hear about the first three (3) core wounds, please listen to episode 84). Alyssa also discusses how we can begin to heal from our core wounds. **Every donation to Patreon for the month of March will go to Doctors Without Borders to help support those injured in Ukraine. Alyssa will personally match your donation. See the podcast Patreon and learn more about Doctors Without Borders below!** Patreon Learn more about Doctors Without Borders Check out the Light After Trauma website for transcripts, other episodes, Alyssa's guest appearances, and more at: www.lightaftertrauma.com Want to get more great content and interact with the show? Check us out on Instagram: @lightaftertrauma Transcript Alyssa Scolari [00:23]: Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I'm your host, Alyssa Scolari. And welcome back to part two of the two part series that we are doing on the five core wounds. This episode was a huge hit. I loved it, and you all loved it too. We actually broke our record on the podcast, which is really exciting. So thank you so much. I'm really happy to be doing part two. I hope everybody's having a good week. I'm having an okay week. I think personally, I'm doing well, but I don't know. I feel very, very heavy this week emotionally. I think everything that's going on in Ukraine is just really weighing on my soul. And I've been feeling pretty isolated as a therapist. There's been so much going on and I people that are being so affected by it, my clients included, and it just feels it's just very upsetting. Alyssa Scolari [01:31]: I don't know what's in the air, but there's been lots of crises and just really difficult moments and just bouts of injustice after are injustice, and it's hard to wrap my brain around. So I'm feeling rather heavy this week, and I'm just trying to work through those feelings. And I think the other issue that's been coming up for me a lot is feeling helpless. I feel very effective as a therapist for the most part. I have my moments, of course, but I'm feeling pretty helpless when it comes to everything that's happening in Ukraine. And I don't know what to do. So I've been really trying to rack my brain on what I can do to help, if anything, because it's very, very hard for me to sit here while other people are being so traumatized and just not do anything about it. So I actually think, what I'm going to do for the month of March is, if you become a patron on the Light After Trauma Patreon, whatever donation you make for the month of March is going to go directly to the efforts to help Ukraine. Alyssa Scolari [02:52]: And specifically, I am going to donate, or we are going to donate, to Doctors Without Borders. And Doctors Without Borders is this organization that works in conflict zones and they are partnering with Ukraine. They're helping people travel to healthcare facilities. They are making sure that people have access to healthcare and medicine. So whatever you donate, the LinkedIn of the Patreon is in the show notes, so just go right into the show notes. And I'm also going to include the link for the Doctors Without Borders so you can check it out a little bit more if you want. But, go onto the Patreon, and whatever you are able to donate would be great. And whatever you donate, I personally am going to match. So if you donate $5, I'm going to donate $5. If you donate 50 cents, I'm going to donate 50 cents. So I feel like this is a really great way for us to just join in together as a family and help when we are otherwise feeling pretty helpless. Alyssa Scolari [03:55]: Now with that being said, if you are not able to give, that is totally fine. But if you are, hey, go right ahead. I feel like that would be a great way to contribute, a great way for us to help. And I will, of course, after the month of March announce how much we have donated to Doctors Without Borders. So again, head over to the link in the show notes, and you will find everything that you need there. And with that being said, let's launch into part two today, which I'm pretty excited for. So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, you might want to go back and do that, because in that episode, we talk about the first three of the five core wounds, but we also talk about what the five core wounds are. Alyssa Scolari [04:46]: As a little recap, basically what the five core wounds are, childhood injuries, injuries to our soul, injuries to our brain. Every trauma survivor has a uniquely different story. No two trauma survivors have the same story, but all of our stories fall within the realm of these five core wounds. And last week, we talked about the first three being abandonment and rejection and betrayal. And we talked about what they are, how they can come about in childhood, and then what they manifest into in adulthood. This week, we are talking about the final two, which are humiliation and injustice. Now, we will start with humiliation. Now, humiliation, this can be felt as early as one to three years of age. And humiliation is [inaudible 00:05:50] exactly as it sounds, right? It is something that causes us to feel like we are bad. It's that feeling of wanting to crawl under a rock and die. It's belittling. And it comes out in a variety of different ways. Alyssa Scolari [06:04]: There are different types of humiliation. There's, I guess you could say indirect and direct humiliation. Maybe the phrase is... And I'm making this up. This isn't coming from anywhere, but I feel like it might be more accurate to say there's aggressive forms of humiliation, and then more passive aggressive forms of humiliation. So let me give you some examples, right? So children who are humiliated are basically being told that they are bad if they do a certain thing, look a certain way, right? So if you get a C on your test at school and your parent says, "I didn't raise no dumbass," or "What are you? A moron. You got to C on a test in the third grade?" That is humiliation. You are calling your child a horrible thing, and then your child is then internalizing that and feeling as though there is something wrong with them. "I am stupid. I am a dumbass. I am a moron." Now, school is just one of the many ways that humiliation can take shape, right? Alyssa Scolari [07:30]: A lot of humiliation also comes with potty training. If you wet the bed, if you miss the toilet, if you don't do something right when it comes to your potty training, sometimes parents or caregivers or adults may scream, may scream at you, may call you names, and this can be very humiliating. It's not so much the screaming that does it, although of course the screaming can be very traumatizing too, but that kind of borders more on rejection, I would say, but it's typically what that parent is saying and their body language. They are so angry at you. They feel some kind of way about you, almost like they feel you are a failure and that you will never get this right. Lots of children tend to experience some of their first bouts of humiliation during the potty training process. And when I say lots of children, I probably should re-say that, because potty training is, some children, they never get humiliated. Most children don't, I would think, but there are quite a few children out there who have been humiliated through potty training. Alyssa Scolari [08:56]: So with humiliation rates, sometimes it can just be very aggressive and very direct. "You're a dumbass. You're stupid. Why are you even bothering playing basketball? You sucked the whole time." Humiliation can also look like the dad on the court. You're five years old and you're in your first basketball game or t-ball game or whatever, and your mom, dad, whoever is on the sideline screaming at you, because you're not fast enough, you're not strong enough, other people are better than you. And this happens. I'm sure so many of you can relate to this. Humiliation, for me, did not happen when it comes to playing sports, because honestly, I never stood a chance in sports, but it does happen, and it is very, very devastating. Alyssa Scolari [09:45]: And then there's more passive aggressive humiliation. And sometimes that comes in the form of people who think they're trying to help you or people who are teasing you. So let me give you a few examples. I'm going to give you some personal examples. People used a lot of passive aggressive humiliation with me with my weight, right? Nobody in my family ever screamed at me for being overweight or outright told me that I was fat and lazy and this, that, and all the other negative connotations that this fatphobic world has against children or adults who are overweight. But I was a pretty chunky child. I had a lot of meat on my bones. I look at pictures of me now and I'm like, "Oh my God, I was adorable. I can't believe people called me fat as a kid." Alyssa Scolari [10:48]: I was freaking so cute. I can't even stand it, but I digress. But basically, I have distinct memories of parties, family parties. A family member, and I'm going to try hard not to out anybody here, but a family member who is no longer... She's no longer alive. When I would go to reach for food at the table, she would take my hand and kind of pull my hand away from the food, not aggressively by any means. It was kind of in a loving manner. And she would go, "Oh, don't be a little świnia. Now, for those of you who are not Polish and don't know what świnia means, it means pig. So I was a little girl going to get some food and I would be told, "Oh, don't be a little piggy." And the way it was said was almost like it came off in an endearing term, right? Alyssa Scolari [11:45]: It's like, "Oh, I love you and I care about you, and I don't want you to be a little świnia," but the impact was... I was freaking humiliated, because it was said in front of everybody else who was at the table, and it was horrifying. As another example, I remember this was maybe 10 years ago. I was at a bridal shower, and I was in the throws. Was it? It was maybe a little... Eh, it was about 10 years ago, maybe a little less. I was in the throws of my anorexia. I was a very, very low weight, a weight that I think for the people in my family thought was great. People were praising me all the time, but I was probably the sickest I've ever been in my life. And there was a bridal shower that I was at. And I was there, I was wearing this dress, everybody was complimenting me, telling me that I looked so beautiful, that they were so proud of me because I had lost all this weight. Oh, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it. Alyssa Scolari [12:55]: But basically what happened is, the dessert came out and I got up to go get a piece of cake. Now, I walked all the way across this room that we were in, and this room was massive, and I grabbed a plate with a piece of cake on it. And as I went to grab the cake, I heard this person from across the room, a family member, yell at me and she went, "You better drop that cake on the table because you don't want to gain back all that weight you lost." And everybody heard, and I was mortified. Again. I was a little bit older, but it opened up that already core wound that I had of humiliation. And she thought she was helping me. She didn't mean it in a mean way. She wasn't being aggressive. I mean, she was screaming, because hey, we're Italian, and that's what we do, we scream. But she thought that she was doing a great thing. She was like, "You got to keep that weight off. You're doing so great." Humiliated. I cannot even begin to tell you. I will never ever forget it. It was horrifying. Alyssa Scolari [14:12]: But also as a kid, I got made fun of not just for my weight, and made fun of/humiliated not just for my weight, but for the way I looked in other ways. Even something that might be as seemingly innocent as... I looked very different from the rest of my family. I'm very fair skinned, whereas a lot of the family members that I grew up with are really, really dark skin, dark hair. I'm really, really fair. So I used to be told all the time that the milk man dropped me off. And I was little. And my older cousins and stuff, they would say this to me, and I would sob and be so embarrassed and humiliated because they would then go on to be like, "Oh yeah, you don't really belong with this family. You weren't wanted, so just the milkman dropped you off." And I was little. I believed that, and it was horrible for me. Alyssa Scolari [15:10]: And then also, because I was so fair, again, I was with a bunch of family members who had very, very dark complexions, and then there's me over here. And they would say, even just at the dinner table, somebody would look over at me and be like, "Hey, where are your eyebrows? I can't even see your eyebrows. Do you even have them? Do you think they'll even grow in? Do you think you'll get them?" It was kind of in just a light teasing sort of way, but why? Why? Because to this day, I am extremely self conscious about my eyebrows. And when I look in the mirror, I wonder if anybody else can even see my eyebrows. It has become such a part of my body dysmorphia. Alyssa Scolari [16:01]: Now, of course, if my family, the people who said these things to me were to listen to this, they'd be like, "Oh my God, you're so sensitive. You're making such a big deal out of it." And that would be gaslighting, right? Because that's the thing, people who use humiliation as a form of relating or communication, especially adults to children, they're always like, "Oh, it was just a joke. What a sensitive kid. She can't take a joke. He can't take a joke. They can't take a joke." But that's not at all the case, right? If you have some of these similar experiences, this is humiliation, right? This is a core wound, and it is devastating. I have so much experience with this. I could honestly go all hunt all day. I will spare you, but parents and adults foster just this horrible fear in children that they are forever going to be criticized and that they will forever have disapproval and that they aren't good enough. Alyssa Scolari [17:10]: And when we become adults and we have this core wound of humiliation, it can go really one of two ways. Some people who have a core wound of humiliation end up being narcissists. They end up having a lot of narcissistic traits, and they can also be people who then go on to humiliate others. On the other hand, you can have people who become extremely dependent when they get older, people who feel like they constantly need the approval of others. This is something that I struggle with. Even in my profession, it took me a long time to be able to make decisions in my job and not feel like I immediately needed to call my supervisor right away and ask if I did the right thing. I was sort of dependent on the opinions of others and the approval of others to be able to function. I don't do that anymore, but I had to work so hard on knowing that I am okay as I am and that I don't need the approval of others. Alyssa Scolari [18:29]: If I would go out and I didn't have at least one person tell me that I was cute or looked great, I would feel humiliated. I would come home and I would dive right back into my eating disorder and feel like, "Oh my gosh, everybody hated me. They must have thought I looked ugly, X, Y, Z." Again, I had a ton of internalized fatphobia back then. I was extremely unwell. I'm being honest about how I was. I've worked on these things, so I don't do that anymore, but that is another way in which humiliation can show up in adulthood. So that is a heavy one, so take a deep breath if you need it, as we transition into this last one. Alyssa Scolari [19:16]: Now this last one is the fear of injustice. And this one is probably one of the lesser talked about of the five core wounds. This one isn't quite a self explanatory as the others, and it's a little deceiving based off of the name. But basically, injustice is when during your childhood, you had excessive demands that were pushed onto you by your caregiver, parent, guardian, whoever. So for example, let's say that you're the oldest and you have two younger siblings. And you're eight years old, seven years old, and you are being forced by your caregiver, your parent to take care of your younger siblings, right? Mom, dad, whoever goes to work all day and you're left at home, at eight years old, to change diapers, feed, play with your siblings, take care of them when you're truly just a child yourself, right? Alyssa Scolari [20:21]: And your parents aren't necessarily really understanding, and they're just like, "You got to do this. This is part of what being the older sibling is." It's excessive amounts of responsibility, too much responsibility with very little compassion and awareness and acknowledgement from the parent, meaning your parents or caregivers are very authoritarian and ice colds. They are very much not about your feelings. They don't really care about you getting your emotional needs met. They put a lot of pressure on you, even to meet your own physical needs and the physical needs of your siblings or whoever else is in the home, or maybe you grew up in a house where your dad was an alcoholic and he was unable to function or provide for the family and your mom made you go to work early, go to work illegally, right? When early, I mean, go to work when you're young, right? Alyssa Scolari [21:25]: Go to work, make money, support the family. Maybe you were also mom's emotional spouse, where instead of confiding in your father about her emotions, she would then turn to you because your father isn't available. Things like that create this core wound of injustice, and it causes a lot of mistrust in the world around you. It also causes this hyper-dependency, but also at the same time, core feelings of ineffectiveness and uselessness. Honestly, because when you are having such excessive demands as a child, you begin to feel like you're never good enough, because truthfully, you are not developed enough to even try to meet the demands of your caregivers. I hope that is making sense. For example, if you're in the fourth grade and you're eight years old, how are you supposed to be expected to take care of yourself, show up at school, be fully rested, and then also come home and take care of your two younger siblings, right? Alyssa Scolari [22:38]: So then let's say you go to school and you're falling asleep at school all the time and your teacher sends home a note to your parent that you're falling asleep in school and your parents screams at you and tells you that you need to get it together and that you shouldn't be falling asleep in school instead of taking a moment to reflect, "Well, why is my child falling asleep in school? What do I think I could do as a parent to support my child?" The blame is pushed onto you, and you alone as the kid. It would be completely possible to expect that you would have all these demands on you at home, and then be able to function in school, but your parent doesn't see that. Your parent expects that out of you anyway. So then all your life, you are expecting the impossible from yourself. And because nobody's perfect, we can never live up to that expectation. Therefore, as much as we need independence and perfectionism, we still feel at our core that we will never be good enough and that everything we do isn't effective and that we ultimately are useless. Alyssa Scolari [23:47]: So, that was a lot. I hope that is making sense, but basically, as you become an adult, those feelings sort of stay the same. Adults tend to just be really, really dependent. They are extremely rigid, and they are extreme perfectionistic. They have a lot of difficulty making decisions for fear of making the wrong one because they believe they're ineffective and ultimately will make the wrong one. They have a huge mistrust of other people because they have been taking care of everything their whole lives, but they also really don't trust themselves. It's a really, really scary and difficult place to be in as an adult. And as you can imagine, it makes getting into relationships, even friendships, even if we're not talking about romantic relationships, it makes all interactions that aren't superficial very, very difficult. Alyssa Scolari [24:51]: So those are the five core wounds. And one of the natural next questions would be, okay, so we know about these core wounds. We've gotten justice, we've got betrayal, we've got humiliation, rejection, and abandonment. Well, what do we do about that? What do we do? Unfortunately, that's really not a question that I can answer, that's very black and white, right? Because everybody heals from their core wounds in different ways. But I will say this, I think that understanding and acknowledging is the first half of the battle. And that's part of why we're doing this episode, because I don't think a lot of people are even aware that core wounds exist. And if we don't know it, we can't heal it. If we can't feel it, we can't fix it. Oy, I sound like such a cheesy therapist now. Geez, somebody make me stop, but I'm serious, right? In all seriousness, we really need to be aware, and awareness is really the first step in healing. Alyssa Scolari [26:04]: And I don't know what healing might look like. For me, healing has looked like not so much therapy, I guess. And I'm in therapy, right? That's no secret. I love therapy, but there's only so much that I think that can be done with talking about these core wounds. I'm very aware of what my core wounds are and I could talk about it in therapy, but I've sort of been in a place over the last couple of years... Well, ever since I started working with the therapist I have now, I've been in a place where I'm ready to really start to try to heal those wounds. Now, I feel like those wounds will always be sore spots. I'm always going to have some sensitive or tender scar tissue around those wounds, but that doesn't mean that they're going to drive my actions for the rest of my life. Alyssa Scolari [27:03]: And one way, for me, that I have been able to stop these core wounds from controlling my life is by putting myself out there and forcing myself to do the opposite of what comes naturally to me. That's part of the reason why this podcast even exists, because I am so good at being a therapist that sometimes I forget how to be a client. And I'm not saying that I'm being a client by doing this podcast, but I am very vulnerable here, and vulnerability does not come easy for me. And I am putting my trauma and my pain out there into the world. And it's, whoo, it gives me chills as I even say it, because every once in a while I'll have this voice in my head be like, "Alyssa, what the fuck are you doing? Why are you sharing this?" Right? But I'm sharing this because it's not in my nature, because my core wounds tell me that I'm not allowed to speak, because I came from family members who always said, "Don't air your dirty laundry." But my laundry isn't dirty. I'm not dirty. My issues aren't dirty. Alyssa Scolari [28:33]: Everybody struggles, everybody. So this is me pushing myself past my limits, past what I've been taught, past what I know, and trying to myself that it is okay, it is okay to speak, and that, airing your dirty laundry is just another way to add shame to mental health issues and adds to the stigma. And again, I don't blame anybody for telling me that. I don't think the people who told me that knew any better, but I know better now, so I can do better. So, so much of what has helped my healing is to just push myself and talk about it in therapy, but then I try to live it in my life. This fear of abandonment that I have, that core wound is huge for me. Alyssa Scolari [29:27]: It shows up in every way, shape, or form in my life. It shows up in ways that I still have difficulty talking about, but I still put myself out there. I still do my best to make friends. I do my best to communicate if these triggers are coming up for me. And I also do my best to try to sit with those feelings and label them for what they are, because I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe that when you label something for what it is and you see something for what it truly is, it takes the power away. Right? If I'm able to say what I'm feeling right now is a fear of abandonment because my friend has not texted me back in seven days, and I think that she hates me and that she's going to leave me probably because of something stupid I said in my last text. Right? If I'm able to look at that thought pattern and I can say, "Ooh, this is my abandonment stuff, and this is definitely coming from my core wound," suddenly things feel a lot more manageable, a lot more manageable. Alyssa Scolari [30:49]: So those are some things that I do to help. I just keep on putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable. It's scary. It's terrifying. It's horrifying. I've got a lot of work to do still, but hey, don't we all. Don't we all. And of course, therapy. I don't want to minimize therapy. Therapy helps so much, and it has helped me so much too. I just, I think in a place right now where I'm ready to put what I've learned in therapy and what I'm talking about in therapy into action in the real world. And if you're not there yet, that's fine. One of the first things you can do is really start identifying which of these core wounds do you have, if any of them. Maybe you have all of them. What do you relate to? What stings the most for you? Alyssa Scolari [31:41]: And I feel like writing about that, journaling can also be really, really helpful. So I hope that this episode was another helpful one for you. I've really loved talking about these core wounds. If you are enjoying what you are hearing, please leave a rating or review for the podcast. It means so much and helps the podcast grow. And again, in order to help with the efforts in Ukraine, anybody who becomes a Patreon member for the month of March and makes a donation, I will match that donation. And all of those proceeds will go to Doctors Without Borders. They are helping with medical aid in Ukraine. So my Patreon link is in the show notes, and the Doctors Without Borders link is in the show notes. And if you are a Patreon member, or if you become a Patreon member, you also are able to request specific episode topics. Alyssa Scolari [32:42]: So if there is a topic that you want me to speak about that I have not spoken about yet, or one that you want me to do again, but a little differently, if you are a Paton member, you can request that. So I hope that everybody has a great week. I am sending so much love to you all. I am holding you in the light. And I will see you next week. Alyssa Scolari [33:05]: Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma, and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over again. That's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support.
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