Podcasts about mister roberts

Tyler talks about an often overlooked gem starring Ernest Borgnine which also got him the Oscar for Best Male Actor. Also in this episode, he reviews the Rose Tattoo, the controversial casting of Jennifer Jones in Love is a Many Splendored Thing, Mister Roberts and Picnic. 

NOW HEAR THIS, NOW HEAR THIS… spooky season is now over… we've now sailed off in our rusty bucket in search of a new destination on which to drop anchor. This time (EPISODE 40!) returning to a breezy and sweet picture by the great John Ford, aka 1955's Mister Roberts starring Hank Fonda. Ford wasn't the only director due to production problems; however, he ended up crafting his Pacific-set perfection with Donovan's Reef a few years later, which we covered long ago on episode 14. Hold fast... and hear about the production problems and other interesting facts about the stage-play adaption, Chris' negativity, Kevin's "lowest" John Ford rating, and how Ensign is the best name you've ever heard, and more... only on this episode of The Searchers. Bottoms up, mate! Submit your mailbags to us at thesearcherspodcast@gmail.com. Thanks! Please rate us a 5/5, and review us on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to us. Reviews really do help! Follow us on Letterboxd.com if you'd like to see what we've recently watched and to read our individual movie reviews! Ben, Chris, & Kevin Our episode catalogue: https://searchersfilmpodcast.podbean.com/

Happy Halloween week, y'all! To culminate our first Horror-Adjacent October, Ben, Chris & Kevin review Dead Heat (1988) starring Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo. The movie follows Roger Mortis, a police detective who is paired up with a new partner named Doug Bigelow. The two end up investigating a series of strange murders committed by criminals who seem to come back from the dead. As they dig deeper into the mystery, they learn of an evil scientist named Arthur P. Loudermilk (Vincent Price) who has discovered a secret to bringing the dead back to life and is creating an army of undead criminals. Is this an overrated cult film or a bona fide classic? Listen and find out! Knowmsayin? We spend the last twenty minutes or so discussing other seasonal movies we've seen or plan to close out October with, including mentions of John Wayne, Bella Lugosi, Evil Dead 2, more Vincent Price, and The Exorcist III, among others. Don't miss out on the greasy Trailer Park Boys easter eggs either. Until next time, when we cover Mister Roberts directed by one of the pod's fave directors, John Ford. Submit your mailbags to us at thesearcherspodcast@gmail.com. Thanks! Please rate us a 5/5, and review us on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to us. Reviews really do help! Follow us on Letterboxd.com if you'd like to see what we've recently watched and to read our individual movie reviews! Ben, Chris, & Kevin Our episode catalogue: https://searchersfilmpodcast.podbean.com/

For Video Edition, Please Click and Subscribe Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUDb4KAuiRI&t=14s Imagine you are an 8-year-old introvert informed by your father that you will spend the afternoon at a famous actor's house—a famous actor you've never met! In fact, this famous actor from Hollywood's golden age will be your babysitter. From the spooky car ride up a narrow driveway in Benedict Canyon to the creaky opening of the front door that reveals an elderly James Cagney, you are captivated! The star of The Public Enemy, Yankee Doodle Dandy, White Heat, Mister Roberts, and many other Hollywood classics is nothing like you'd expect. He's not brash; he's not a killer; he isn't loud and he doesn't sing and dance. He is quiet and gentle and full of imagination. In one afternoon away from the pressures of a perfectionist father, you relax and fall under the spell of a wonderful babysitter who makes you feel special and encourages you to enter an imaginary world where leprechauns come to life and owls speak to you from the trees. Hours later, you leave James Cagney's house changed from a timid child into an enthusiastic young man who's infused with self-confidence and ready for life's next adventure. Ryan Cassidy is the youngest of the Cassidy brothers and is often placed into context with brothers David Cassidy (half-brother), Shaun Cassidy and Patrick Cassidy or parents Shirley Jones and the late Jack Cassidy. At first, Ryan was unswayed by the lure of show business and considered a career in law enforcement. Johnny Ray Miller, a native of Canton, Ohio, has been an aficionado of the Partridge Family television program and their recorded music from the show's beginnings. Miller is a concert and theatre producer, actor and director.

A classic example of the once popular "Service Comedy" genre, this hit film was adapted from a hit stage play, in turn adapted from a hit novel. Henry Fonda reprises his role from the stage play as the titular Lieutenant (j.g.) Roberts, alongside a young and hilarious Jack Lemmon playing Ensign Pulver, and our first time with James Cagney as the insufferable Captain guarding his beloved palm tree. Almost none of the actors are age appropriate for their roles, and some of the humor lands firmly in the “cringe” zone, but there is still plenty of merit in this war film sex comedy about the crew of a cargo ship dying from boredom and cabin fever in the safe area of the pacific during the waning days of World War II. Join us for this comedy classic! Next Episode: The Hunt for Red October (1990) Feel free to contact us with any questions or comments! Our website: www.dangerclosepod.com Join our Facebook group at: Danger Close - Podcast Discussion Group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/1442264899493646/) If you like the show, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! If you would like to support the show and get extra episodes where we discuss sci-fi, fantasy, and comedy war movies, join our Patreon for only $4 a month at: www.dangerclosepod.com/support warmovies #warfilms #war #film #films #movies #history #cinema #WWII # worldwar2 #navy

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 5 FANSHAW    Lem!  Everyone's gathering!  It looks a bit of a party. LEM    What's them Swedes a-doin? FANSHAW    They're standing by.  Like a menacing wall of blonde. LEM    [laugh, then coughs] FANSHAW    Are you quite sure you're up for this?  The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse. LEM    Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there? MRS. DOC    [behind door] You all right in there?  May I come in? LEM    [up] Yes ma'am.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE ENTERS LEM    Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers. MRS. DOC    That sounds wise.  You've already done wonders.  But I have a favor--? LEM    Anythin' ma'am. MRS. DOC    [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh-- LEM    Go on? MRS. DOC    To fix my window, there?  They are the ones that broke it. LEM    I already planned on jest that, ma'am.  Donchoo worry. MRS. DOC    Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel. LEM    Oh, no ma'am.  Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit] MRS. DOC    Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out.  They can just hold their hosses. FANSHAW    I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE FANSHAW    [sigh] Still out of sight.  Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady. EZRA    Are they gonna fight? FANSHAW    [definite] No.  My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks.  EZRA    It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it? FANSHAW    No.  Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we?  EZRA    Is that the lady, in the cart?  With the big hat and veil? FANSHAW    I would assume so.  A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities. EZRA    Why'ud a lady wear a veil?  Is she really ugly? FANSHAW    I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun. EZRA    Ain't much sun under all these trees. FANSHAW    And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage.  No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see.  [pause]  I need to let Lem know what all is going on.  I'll be back shortly. SOUND    SHOUTS FANSHAW    What? EZRA    Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight! FANSHAW    They weren't supposed to!  Blast!  That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart! MRS. BEAMISH    [screams]  Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine! FANSHAW    Not much of a lady.  And nothing much we can do here. EZRA    Oh, lookee!  That feller got punched right off the cart! SOUND    GRUNTS FANSHAW    I need to go and tell Lem.  Would you stay with them and see where they go? EZRA    [eager] That would help ya? FANSHAW    It would be very helpful. EZRA    I'm your man.  [distracted] Oh goodness!  That fellow slammed into the tree!  That's gotta smart something fierce!     FADE LEM    They here yet? DOC    No.  It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet. FANSHAW    Lem!  Ambush! LEM    [quiet] Aw hell. DOC    What? LEM    [sigh, considering best way to say]  I think I ...heard something. DOC    [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts.  The way you keep hearing things. LEM    [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range.  Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get. DOC    I reckon so. LEM    And with the window broken, sound can get in more. DOC    What is it you heard? LEM    Fighting.  Or leastways a yell.  Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind. DOC    You think there's still trouble? LEM    I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon. DOC    Dag nabbit. SOUND    STORMS OUT OF ROOM FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SOMEONE RUNS UP OLY    Vad är det? [What is it?] KJELL    [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!] OLY    [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?] KJELL    [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka.  [We ... took the woman back.] SVEN    Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för!  [Good!  Now we have what we paid for!] OLY    Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot!  Now there will be war!]     FADE FITCH    What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?] SCABBY BILL    'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout.  The lads--] PIKEY    Clack on't devil!  Eyup Jimmy!   [speak of the devil.]  SOUND    RUNNING FEET JAMES    [gasping and in some pain]  Eyup!  Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked!  Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!] FINCH    Good night!  Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn!  Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.] JAMES    Canna settle now!  Yon 'eads want thumpin'!  Paid in full.  [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads!  They deserve it!] FINCH    Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good] PIKEY    [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad.  Tha path's neither nowt nor summat.  Time fer muckin out.  Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them.  [no, lad.  Your way is doing no good.  Time to clean this up.  There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.] SCABBY BILL    Tha's the pot!  Us'm tek'er first!  [You're one to talk!  We took her first] PIKEY    [making his point]  S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.] MINERS    [mutters]  "s'truth."  "Ba gum."  "It gets right up ma cuff."  "'Arsh, that."  "Toes up o'er grub?  Nae!" JAMES    Us'll clean them clocks!  [we won't lose!] PIKEY    Ne'er seen clock tha could clean. DOC    [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN! ALL GO QUIET DOC    Bother.  That's about all I got.     FADE LEM    This's how wars get lit. FANSHAW    Who is this woman anyway?  Helen of Troy? LEM    Was she on the stage or sumpin? FANSHAW    [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun. LEM    Ain't no war great and glorious.  Not till everyone as been there's long dead. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    How'd they end that war? FANSHAW    [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse. LEM    [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us.  [groans, getting up] SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHES, ETC. FANSHAW    Don't--! LEM    Ain't no choice here.  Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me.  Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch. SOUND    DOOR OPENS FANSHAW    Speak of the devil! DOC    Here now!  What are you doing, Mister roberts? LEM    I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once.  DOC    You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening? LEM    I gotta right good guess.  Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her.  DOC    I think so. LEM    Hitch up the cart.  We're gonna mosey to the logging camp.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE LARS    [commanding] Du! Kock! [You!  "cook"] MRS. BEAMISH    [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead! LARS    Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld.  [you came here to cook for us.  You owe a debt.]  MRS. BEAMISH    Gah-on.  Say somfing in normal talk.  Ah dare ya. LARS    [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?] ARN    Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.] FREDEK    Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.] NELS    Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire. EZRA    Why's that, Mr. Nels? NELS    You!  Can you do something? EZRA    What should I do? NELS    Get that woman over here.  The one that was calling out. EZRA    Who?  Oh!  [laughs] That's no woman!  That's Mr. Fanshaw. NELS    Well, he sounds like one to me.  Is there anything he can do?     FADE DOC    Brought the wagon round.  Come on then, lemme give you a hand. LEM    You kin carry my kit, if you would. DOC    You need support-- LEM    [definite] No.  Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can.  And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that. DOC    I'll be right behind you, then.  Just in case. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS MRS. DOC    [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give. DOC    Irene? MRS. DOC     Not from you, dear.  Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir? DOC    Irene! MRS. DOC    I've already got my hat on, husband.  We might as well get moving. DOC    What exactly do you think you are doing, woman? MRS. DOC    [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride. LEM    [tries not to laugh] DOC    I forbid it! MRS. DOC    [sweetly]  Oh, of course, dear!  If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add.  Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten-- DOC    [losing steam] Oh hush!!  LEM    The lady has a point, doc.  Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us. MRS. DOC    Good.  Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake!  You're swaying like a sapling.     FADE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  [laughs]  Nels says you sound like a lady. FANSHAW    It is just my accent.  The way I talk.  EZRA    You do talk funny. FANSHAW    Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce? EZRA    What is that? FANSHAW    When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag. EZRA    Where do they get a white flag? FANSHAW    They just make one.  Please.  It is important that we know.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SCUFFLE MINERS    [Arguing]  "More brass'n brains"  "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans"  "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I." SWEDES    [arguing] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS LEM    [sigh]  Shut up! SOUND    STILL FIGHTING LEM     Pardon me ma'am.  Step aside if you please. SOUND    HER STEPS SOUND    GUNSHOT ALL    [go quiet] SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 6 1_MOVING OUT LEM    You miners.  You... uh... manskers.  Um.  [slowly, with gestures]  We go in cart to your-- OLY    Mig? LEM    Yes, your camp.  You lead us.  SCABBY BILL    [slightly out of breath] Right.  Nowt wait aught mair.  Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt. LEM    We's all a-goin.  [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am. MRS. DOC    [a bit shaky]  All right.  DOC    [quiet]  Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad. LEM    They's all still on their feet. OLY    [slowly, trying to be understood]  detta var inte min idé.  Inte jag.  Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea.  Not me.  I will speak sternly to them.] LEM    You lead.  [turns to Scabby Bill]  You follow.  Reckon? SCABBY BILL    Reckon.  FADE 2_GRADY1 SOUND    SOMEONE RUNNING IN PANIC GRADY    [gasping muttered mantra]  Don't slow down, don't slow down.  A log!  Oh sweet Jesus! SOUND    THUMP, SCRAMBLE, SLOW MOVEMENT SOUND    BEHIND HIM, MEN MAN1    Keep heading downhill! MAN2    Brush too thick over there!  This way! GRADY    [barely there prayer] Pity me!  [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion] SOUND    RUNNING AGAIN FADE 3_AGREEING SOUND    CART PLODDING DOC    [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene.  MRS. DOC    I cannot disagree. DOC    You should never've - what? MRS. DOC     [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband. LEM    [quiet chuckle] DOC    [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs]  My mother always said you would be a handful. MRS. DOC    I believe mine said something very similar. DOC    About me? MRS. DOC    [laughing] No, about me. LEM    If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller. DOC    I cannot disagree. LEM    Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am. ALL    [laugh]     FADE 4_LOGGING CAMP FREDEK    Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!] LARS    Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!] FREDEK    Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!] ARN    Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.] LARS    Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.] ARN    Han ser arg. [He looks angry.] FREDEK    De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.] NELS    Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble. OLY    [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you!  Stand aside!] NELS    And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down. LARS    [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?] OLY    [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot!  We were in accord.  Then you interfered!  You stand aside!] FADE 5_CHUCKIE JAMES    Tha gormless bastard!  Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot.  Even with the guns, we could win.] PIKEY    And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing.  Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother.  What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?] TED    [sigh]  And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere.  [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.] FITCH    I dinna feel fer the fight.  Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure.  [I don't feel like fighting.  That fellow - he seems fair.] PIKEY    Cud gang fer a slurp missen.  [This would be a good time for a drink.] FADE 6_GRADY2 SOUND    RUNNING MAN1 and MAN2    [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!"  "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"] GRADY    [gasping and ragged]  Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river.  Anything.  [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away... FADE 7_CART SOUND    HORSES.  CART NOT MOVING. DOC    [whispered]  Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart.  MRS. DOC    As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband. DOC    [rueful laugh] Hah.  Good. SOUND    HE CLIMBS DOWN MRS. DOC    I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun. DOC    The what? LEM    I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am. MRS. DOC    Happy to be useful.  [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace. FADE 8_OLY KOMMER FREDEK    Oly! De kommer! [Oly!  They are coming!] OLY    Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid.  They are already here.] FREDEK    Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men!  Behind the ridge!] NELS    Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men.  EZRA    More fighting? FANSHAW    And this must be Nels. NELS    And you must be from England. FANSHAW    Why, yes.  Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there. NELS    Nay.  You sound like most Britishers. FANSHAW    I suppose I do. NELS    Just like a woman. FANSHAW    I do not! EZRA    You do a bit. FANSHAW    [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men? NELS    Sure, over the ridge.  Quite a ways off.  I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot. FANSHAW    We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw? NELS    All of my men are here.  Even those with a head full of porridge. FANSHAW    That's a blessing anyway. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw! FANSHAW    I am so sorry, Ezra.  I was lost in thought.  EZRA    You want I should go and look at the men a-coming? FANSHAW    They sound like they're rather far off. EZRA    I can go real far off. FANSHAW    [interested] Really.  Very well.  You'll go and see how many there are? EZRA    I'll find out everything for ya. FANSHAW    I wonder just how far "real far" is. FADE 9_teh dam SOUND    CROWD RUMBLE, BUT NO TALKING SOUND    LEM'S SLOW FOOTSTEPS LEM    Um, [to Oly] Dam? OLY    Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!] LARS    [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help] OLY    Go! [Go!] NELS    If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words? FANSHAW    Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late. NELS    Ya. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LARS AND MRS. BEAMISH COME OUT FANSHAW    This?  This is the woman all the trouble has been over?  She's ...hardly what I expected. LEM    Ma'am.  They's been quite a ruckus over you. BEAMISH    Oh, Luvly.  Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English. LEM    I guess I speak American, then.  But I hazard you understand me fine. BEAMISH    [begrudging] I kin mike yer out. LEM    That's good.  Now these fellers, they have some claim to you? NELS    Sure, she owes us five years service. BEAMISH    [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do. LEM    Five years.  Legal. BEAMISH    [annoyed sigh] Aye. DOC    [whispered] How'd you get that? LEM    [whispered] Guessed.  Standard indenture. DOC    Ah! BEAMISH    [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em! FANSHAW    I say, Nels, you paid for that?  Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old. NELS    What do you expect in a cook?  Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat. FANSHAW    A cook!  Good gad! LEM    But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to? BEAMISH    Good plain cooking.  Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold. DOC    Cooking?  They're willing to fight over a cook? LEM    I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch.  DOC    Well... MRS. DOC    [calling from off, excited] Husband? LEM    Go on. DOC    [walking off] Yes, dear? FADE 10_grady hides SOUND    MEN SLOWLY SEARCHING SOUND    BREATHING, IN A TIGHT SPACE GRADY    [trying to quiet his breathing] EZRA    That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella.  You must be a bad man. GRADY    [whispered]  Someone up there, please help me! MAN1    I think I heard something! FADE 11_shares LEM    [whispered, to fanshaw]  Ask Nels the word for "share". FANSHAW    You're thinking to split the baby again. LEM    Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple. DOC    Lem?  We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss. LEM    Do tell. DOC    Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it? BEAMISH    Beamish.  Aye. DOC    My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us. BEAMISH    Where's 'at, then? DOC    Our house.  It's rather in the middle of all this.  BEAMISH    Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse.  Not them shanties. DOC    [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all]  You stay our house-- SOUND    [rumble of muttering on both sides] DOC    Cook.  Cook a lot. BEAMISH      I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick. DOC    They are the ones who need to agree. BEAMISH    Go'ahn then. DOC    [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You.  Eat. LEM    [quiet] Eat?  Nels? NELS    [Eat] ata LEM    Thankee.  [up, to doc] "ata" DOC    Oh?  All right.  You.  Come to house.  "ata". LARS    [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.] NELS    Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either.  He has a wife to cook for him. OLY    Nej, säger han vi äter, också.  Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also.  I think.] FANSHAW    No, no.  He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace.  No more fighting. NELS    Tell them ["You eat too"]  du äter för. FANSHAW    Lem?  Did you-- LEM    Doo ah-ter fore. OLY    Ya.  Mycket bra. [Yes. very good] LEM    And you all? PIKEY    Nae more tae eat bab out Bill?  [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest.  [No more eating the shit Bill cooks?  I don't care where she stays.] TED    'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!] JAMES    Eh, by gum. SCABBY BILL    Ere, now! PIKEY    Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt.  [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.] LEM    Good.  DOC    Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even-- SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    Damn! ALL    [reactions!  Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!" EZRA    Mister Fanshaw?  I think they's heading this way.     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 7 MUSIC SCENE 1.    AMB    OUTSIDE LEM    [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n. DOC    But I can help-- LEM    [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety.  If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT MRS. DOC    [off, a bit worried] Husband? LEM    Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk.  We got some rough work ahead of us. MRS. BEAMISH    Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place. SOUND    SHE WALKS TO WAGON DOC    [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us. LEM    And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles]  I'll stay still as I can.  But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other.  Go on now.  [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack?  I might find myself in need of a few more shells. MRS. DOC    Here you go.  [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear?  My husband put a lot of work into you. DOC    [amused but still worried]  You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be. LEM    I reckon I do. DOC     [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun. LEM    Preciate it. SOUND    DOC WALKS OFF SCENE 2.    LEM    [slight groan]  Quickly - You, Bill.  You, Oly. SCABBY BILL    Right. OLY    Ja? SOUND    SCRATCHING IN THE DIRT LEM    [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things]  Sun.  There.  Hill. There.  Ja? OLY    Ja.  Bäck. Ge. [stream.  Give.] LEM    Take it. SOUND    MORE SCRATCHING SCABBY BILL    Thass river? OLY    Bäck. [stream] LEM    Close enough I think.  Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside?  They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin. SCABBY BILL    Us'm? LEM    Course, it ain't yer fight, but-- SCABBY BILL    Nay problem, lad.  Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook.  [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy. LEM    All righty then, sounds like yer all in.  Go on.  Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em.  SCABBY BILL    Why them tea party manners? LEM    In case they ain't the villians here. SCABBY BILL    Ah.  Right.  We're bahn. SOUND    WALKS OFF SCABBY BILL    [off, calling] Ayup lads!  There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn! LEM    Now for the tricky one. OLY    Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way.  Around the other side.  And attack from ambush?] NELS    He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well? LEM    [startled laugh]  Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet. OLY    vad är det?  [What is that?] LEM    Later. After dust settles. NELS    Tell him "senare" [Later] LEM    Senare OLY    Ja.  Bakhåll?  Ja?  [Ambush] NELS    [translating] Attack from behind. LEM    Ya.  Go on. OLY    [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men!  Time to beat some heads!] LEM    [heavy sigh, slight groan] FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [quiet]  I'm alright.  I'm alright.  Just tuckered out.  Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints.  Think this will end it once and fer all. FANSHAW    I certainly hope so.  LONG MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    NIGHT, CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet.  Then we heard them.  Arn hid behind a tree.  Lars was beneath a fallen log.] ARN    Hah!  Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah!  Good to be short, eh, Lars?] LARS    Bah! SWEDES     [general laughter] OLY    Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra.  Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming!  A tall one in a hat and two others.  Ugly.  Cruel looking.  They move slowly, looking for something--] MUSIC WIPE ACROSS THE SOUNDSCAPE SCENE 4.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SCABBY BILL    Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee.  PIKEY    [bragging]  Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest.  Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest.  And no one ever looks up] SCABBY BILL    Aye, lad.  Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that.  No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.] MINERS    [general laughter] PIKEY    [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay.  Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!] MINERS    [more laughter] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 5.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree.  I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.] ARN    Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!] SWEDES    [general laughter] OLY    Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me.  Then pointed past the men.  Then he raised two hands of fingers.  Many men were coming!] FANSHAW    It sounds like a fascinating story.  I wish I could understand a word of it. NELS    He was saying that the noisy fellow-- FANSHAW    Aren't they all rather noisy? NELS    [laughs]  THAT one - got above.  High up.  Counted the men coming behind.  Showed him fingers for the count. FANSHAW    Accord without a single word.  Lovely. MUSIC WIPE SCENE 6.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT FITCH    Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh!  Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow.  I think he's been alone too long.] SOUND    SLIGHT SCUFFLE - FRIENDLY SMACK PIKEY    Dinna fash.  Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad.  Smack afore yows and kine.  Past that, mayhaps Swede.  Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise]  [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows.  I have never been fond of blondes.]  FITCH    [teasing] Ooh-ah.  Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack.   [Bathe.  Then we'll talk.] MINERS    [general laughter] SCABBY BILL    Right.  'oo's keeping a tally?  [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right.  Someone make a list of things we need for the camp.  Start with some loose women.] MINERS    [hysterical laughter] MUSIC SCENE 7.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking.  Maybe for a person.  Maybe for an animal.  Something that could hide itself.  We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.] LARS    Jag var längst.  När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt.  [hit noise] [I was furthest.  When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.] SWEDES    [approving mumble] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 8.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SOUND    WAGON SLOWLY MOVING IN FROM A DISTANCE PIKEY    Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind.  I knew we'd never want to lag behind.] SCABBY BILL    No.  So... Pikey made t' shrill-- SOUND    SHARP WHISTLE SCABBY BILL    [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug!  [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear!  And we attacked] FITCH    Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side!  And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale.  [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left.  They broke like lose rock.] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 9.    AMB    LEFT CAMPFIRE OLY    Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell.  Struck down by our brave hands.  Or our friends' hands.  [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD! SCABBY BILL    [off] I hears that!  [yelling back] Ayup lads?  ALL GOOD! SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud] ALL GOOD! DOC    [off] Ho there!  Sounds like it's safe to approach? MUSIC SCENE 10.    AMB    INSIDE SOUND    [OUTSIDE] THE MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [rousing from half sleep]  Yup?  Sounds like peace at last. FANSHAW    And the doctor just arrived.  [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely- LEM    Biscuits?  [chuckles] FANSHAW    [chuckles too]  He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure.  [beat]  The men - both factions - were rather impressive.  Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well. LEM    Who was it they's up against? FANSHAW    Looks like outlaws.  Chasing a fugitive. LEM    And the feller they'us after? FANSHAW    [sigh]  He was already ... done for.  Gone. LEM    [sigh]  The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now. DOC    [outside]  Mister Roberts? LEM    [a bit weaker] In here! LONG MUSIC SCENE 11.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE DOC    I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts.  MRS. DOC    [from off]  Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither. LEM    I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth. DOC    Good. MUSIC SCENE 12.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE LEM    Alone? FANSHAW    They're all in the kitchen, yes.  From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement.  They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse.  Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of.  The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes. LEM    Cain't say that I blame her.  Catch me up a bit? FANSHAW    They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals.  They've all become the best of chums.  And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit. LEM    One more victory for-- FANSHAW    Civilization? LEM    [down]  I was gonna say salvation.  Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here. FANSHAW    I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of. LEM    Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own. FANSHAW    Well.  When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws. LEM    Where ARE they, anyway? FANSHAW    Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing.  Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days. LEM    Mm.  Good. FANSHAW    But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach.  It's very frustrating.  Ezra, though... LEM    Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about?  How come I ain't seen him, never? FANSHAW    I don't know.  He's a child.  A spirit.  Who prefers to think of himself an angel.  I rather think he's been here quite a long time.  And Lem... LEM    Yup? FANSHAW    I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on.  But there's this--- LEM    Spit it out and let's see what color it is. FANSHAW    Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley.  That is rather a long distance.  He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by.  I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why.  Before I help him find his way onward. LEM    Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?    

Recorded on Friday August 12th 2022 We talk about the death of Olivia Newton-John The FBI raid, the stabbing of Salman Rushdie the movie "Mister Roberts" and more.

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ******************************************************************   Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW Will it be safe? LEM Safe? FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW Is it worth the risk? LEM [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM [laughs]    I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB IN TOWN SOUND WALKING ON WOOD LEM Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW Lem!  LEM [voice low]    We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW I'll-- LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM 3_SALOON SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB SALOON LEM One here. SOUND DRINK POURED BARTENDER There you go. SOUND COINS SOUND LEM DRINKS GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER Something wrong, fella? LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat]    Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM   And sorry about the-- BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND MORE COINS LEM Give me the bottle. GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM 4_LISETTE AMB OUTSIDE LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW I-- LISETTE Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW Stop calling me that. LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB SALOON SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM [low] Sit. GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM I ... drifted. LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM [sigh] SOUND DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND PIGS LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman. LEM An old flame? FANSHAW Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes... LEM So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW Aptly put.    LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW You might be surprised. LEM Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW   It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW What? LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW You would leave?  Over this? LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND WALKING IN MUD LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB BARN SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW Righty-ho.  SOUND LEAVES GRISHAM Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM You kilt me! LEM We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM But you still kilt me. LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW Lisette? LISETTE There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW History is replete with-- LISETTE Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND HORSES WALKING LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB SALOON LEM Gimme two. SOUND CARDS LEM [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM Your call. PLAYER1 [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM [chuckles] PATRON1 How can he--? Patron2 Shh! SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM Now! LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER .. certainly. GRISHAM I'll do it!  I will! SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC BACK TO NOW SOUND HORSES WALKING FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back. LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM Are you stepping? LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM   Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW Why not?  He called you out. LEM He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM You ready? LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND G - BODY DROP SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC BACK TO NOW FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW Do you enjoy it? LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM   [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW The thrill of danger? LEM That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?    FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC FLASH BACK AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN [gasps] SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER Your shot, Mister. LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC BACK TO NOW LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Look - the horizon! LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em.  FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE   I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE Wait! FANSHAW [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND POUNDING LISETTE Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND POUNDING STOPS LISETTE Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW [sigh] Yes? LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY Sir? LEM Yeah? SCOTTY Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY O'course. LEM Against a person? SCOTTY Well, against animals. LEM GRISHAM Not everyone can be you. LEM [sighs] SCOTTY Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM   Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY Over there. GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY Right, sir! GRISHAM Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM That ain't what I heered. LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB CRICKETS SOUND HORSES FANSHAW They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY What ain't impossible? LEM We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility! LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel. SOUND CREAK LEM Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND REMOVING SPURS LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY How'll you find us? LEM I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK echoey hallway LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW I'll have a look round.  SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM What all do you want? GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW Who the devil is this? GRISHAM Who the devil are you? LEM What'd ya find out? FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW We need to get moving. GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND KNIFE FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM What'd you do to him? FANSHAW I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND TAP ON DOOR LISETTE Fanshaw? FANSHAW Come in. LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW Whyever not? LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW What? LISETTE That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW Out? LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW I don't see anyone.  .. hostile. SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW I don't doubt it. SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM [heavy sigh]  CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW Of course. SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW I'll deal with him. LEM I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY What are you doing? LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND MEN WALK BY LEADER Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY What's it like? FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY Being with a woman? FANSHAW ... 4_RUNNING LEM [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW   Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup. SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY Was she really purtty? FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY What didja do? FANSHAW I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY You waited on a rock? FANSHAW I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY What happened? FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY Yes? FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY She'd gone and -- FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT YOUNG LEM Why?  What for? PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM You mean the war?    My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS There he is! MAN Get him! PIEDMONT [scream] SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW   We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY How'd it work? FANSHAW Work? SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW .. help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM [gasp]  Pa? SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY   I spose that could happen. FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY What if it's ladies? FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS   Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS   [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS Lem?  YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY I-- FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY Answer? FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY   And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW What about me? SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW   But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY No?  Why? FANSHAW I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY That's crazy talk. FANSHAW That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW   [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY Is there something we can do? FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER Yessir! SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2 Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER On foot?  SENTRY [off] Halt! LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY Stop, I say! COMMANDER Let him on through. LEM They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER Why are you-- LEM Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND FALLS DOWN COMMANDER Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY We got to do something! FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY [really down] No. FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC Can you get yourself around this? LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy.  LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM [coughs] DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY But I-- GRISHAM [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY Where? FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND MEN READY TO GO SOUND MOUNT UP LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller? LEM Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT LEM Commander? COMMANDER Hmm? LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND PUNCH FANSHAW [casual] shut up. SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW How? SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM oof! SCOTTY Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM [muttered] Fanshaw?    Too far out.  COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER   Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM Course not.  COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM   Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead? LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad. LEM Kin? COMMANDER   LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA No!  I am a pirate. NANNY Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had? LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER [skeptical] Really? LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1 Hey!  I found something! SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2 What? SECOND Silence! RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1 Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB Yessir! LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER Valuables? LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY Why? FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW   There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY Why can't I--? FANSHAW Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA Or nannies. NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER One thing. LEM Yeah? COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM [down] Oh. COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM I- COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM I kin only do my best. SOUND WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2 [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM   [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW [muffled noises] SOUND STRUGGLING GRISHAM Oh, no you don't!  SOUND MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW [noise of effort] GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM   [disgusted noise] FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW [noise of effort] SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM You're a-- ?  FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER Shots? SECOND Sir? LEADER   Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND Plan dos, sir? LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND Yessir! SOUND RUNS OFF SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM [muttered] almost... GRISHAM There you are! LEM [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING MaN [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY Yessir! MAN [hit, argh!] COMMANDER Stay low! FANSHAW All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM There you are. FANSHAW Bloody hell. GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND RELOADING SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM That's nine.  SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM   [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND HORSE BLOWS LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem? LEM Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM Grisham?  FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM   Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW What message? LEM Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND HORSE APPROACHING LEM [distant] Commander! COMMANDER Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER My god! LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER You, boy! BOY Yessir? COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly! LEM You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER Corporal? CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL Excellent!  FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM Found you! FANSHAW Oh, damn!  GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW [hits out] GRISHAM [ungh!] FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM What? LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM [all the bluster gone]  LEM   I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL [commanding] Men! SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS LEM [groan] SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM   I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM Go?  go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied]  FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath]  LEM [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW So she did--? LEM [shrug]    So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW .. don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW What? END    

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ************************************************************* Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND     HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM    Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW    Will it be safe? LEM    Safe? FANSHAW    I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM    Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW    Is it worth the risk? LEM    [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW    There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM    [laughs]  Ayup.  I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW    [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM    Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW    [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB    IN TOWN SOUND    WALKING ON WOOD LEM    Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW    Lem!  Soldiers. LEM    [voice low]  Right.  We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW    I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM    Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW    I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM    [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW    I'll-- LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW    [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM    Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW    [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM    Right. 3_SALOON SOUND    HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB    SALOON LEM    One here. SOUND    DRINK POURED BARTENDER    There you go. SOUND    COINS SOUND    LEM DRINKS GRISHAM    [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM    [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND    GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER    Something wrong, fella? LEM    [coughing, trying to clear his throat]  Toothache.  Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM    You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER    [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM    [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND    COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM    Another.  And sorry about the-- BARTENDER    [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND    MORE COINS LEM    Give me the bottle. GRISHAM    Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER    You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM    Ayup. 4_LISETTE AMB    OUTSIDE LISETTE    [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW    [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE    Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW    "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE    And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW    I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE    [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW    Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE    [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW    Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE    Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW    [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE    There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW    How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE    I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW    [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE    I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW    I-- LISETTE    Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW    Stop calling me that. LISETTE    Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW    [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB    SALOON SOUND    LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM    I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM    [low] Sit. GRISHAM    What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM    That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM    I ... drifted. LEM    That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM    Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM    [sigh] SOUND    DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND    PIGS LEM    Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW    That woman - ghost woman. LEM    An old flame? FANSHAW    Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM    Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW    [disgusted] Yes... LEM    So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW    Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM    Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW    Aptly put.  Yes.  LEM    You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW    You might be surprised. LEM    Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW    And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM    [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW    What? LEM    Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW    No.  It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM    [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW    What? LEM    Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW    You would leave?  Over this? LEM    I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND    WALKING IN MUD LEM    Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB    BARN SOUND    TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM    You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  SOUND    LEAVES GRISHAM    Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM    [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM    You kilt me! LEM    We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND    LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM    Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM    I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM    Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM    I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM    [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND    LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM    By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM    But you still kilt me. LEM    And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND    RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW     Lisette? LISETTE    There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW    So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE    Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW    You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE    So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW    Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE    Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW    She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE    She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW    Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE    Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW    History is replete with-- LISETTE    Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW    Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE    Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW    [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE    [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW    Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE    No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW    [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB    OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND    HORSES WALKING LEM    I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW    How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM    Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW    And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM    How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW    Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM    Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW    [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM    Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW    [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM    Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW    [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC     FOR FLASHBACK NOTE    Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB    SALOON LEM    Gimme two. SOUND    CARDS LEM    [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND    CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM    [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM    [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER    [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM    Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM    Your call. PLAYER1    [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM    [chuckles] PATRON1    How can he--? Patron2    Shh! SOUND    HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM    [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM    [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM    Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND    CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM    [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1    [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM    Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM    If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER    Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM    You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND    MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM    Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND    G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM    Now! LEM    [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER    Uh... certainly. GRISHAM    I'll do it!  I will! SOUND    CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM    Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW SOUND    HORSES WALKING FANSHAW    Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Shooting someone in the back. LEM    And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW    Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM    It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM    Are you stepping? LEM    What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM    [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM    [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND    DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM    Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND    WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM    You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM    [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW    Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM    What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW    uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM    Rattlin.  Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW    Why not?  He called you out. LEM    He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW    But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM    A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW    [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM    Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND    OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM    You ready? LEM    Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM    [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM    [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM    No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND    THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND    GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM    And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM    Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND    LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM    [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND    TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND    G - BODY DROP SOUND    LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC    BACK TO NOW FANSHAW     [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM    Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW    I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM    [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW    But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM    [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW    Do you enjoy it? LEM    [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW    Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM    Hmmm.  [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM    S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW    The thrill of danger? LEM    That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?  No.  FANSHAW    Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM    I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC    FLASH BACK AMB    INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND    GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN    [gasps] SOUND    [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND    PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM    [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND    BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER    Your shot, Mister. LEM    [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND    Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW LEM    [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW    I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Look - the horizon! LEM    Signal fires, and a lot of em.  Damn. FANSHAW    They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM    Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW    [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM    Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW    [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND    DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM    You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW    She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM    Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND    MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW    [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND    READYING FOR BATTLE LEM    If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER    You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM    I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER    I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM    That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND    [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE    And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW    [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE    No.  I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW    We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE    Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW    Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE    [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW    I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE    Wait! FANSHAW    [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE    Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW    I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET    Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW    I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET     What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO     By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND    POUNDING LISETTE    Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN    [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND    POUNDING STOPS LISETTE    Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW    [sigh] Yes? LISETTE    Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET    Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW    I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND    PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY    Sir? LEM    Yeah? SCOTTY    Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM    [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY    O'course. LEM    Against a person? SCOTTY    Well, against animals. LEM    Right. GRISHAM    Not everyone can be you. LEM    [sighs] SCOTTY    Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM    This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM    You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY    Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM    Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM    Scotty.  Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY    Over there. GRISHAM    [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM    Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY    Right, sir! GRISHAM    Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM    I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM    That ain't what I heered. LEM    Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM    And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM    [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM    So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM    If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY    Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM    [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB    CRICKETS SOUND    HORSES FANSHAW    They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM    [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY    What ain't impossible? LEM    We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY    These here horses are my responsibility! LEM    Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW    Don't forget the satchel. SOUND    CREAK LEM    Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY    I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW    [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND    REMOVING SPURS LEM    Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY    How'll you find us? LEM    I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND    QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK    echoey hallway LISETTE    [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Carmichael. LISETTE    [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW     [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE    Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW    [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE    [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND    SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM    [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW    I'll have a look round.  SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM    [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM    Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM    [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM    [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM    What all do you want? GRISHAM    Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM    Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM    What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM    [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND    FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW    Who the devil is this? GRISHAM    Who the devil are you? LEM    What'd ya find out? FANSHAW    A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM    What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW    [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM    Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW    We need to get moving. GRISHAM    I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND    KNIFE FANSHAW    [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND    PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM    [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM    Oooohhhh. FANSHAW    Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM    [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND    SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM    What'd you do to him? FANSHAW    I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND    TAP ON DOOR LISETTE    Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Come in. LISETTE    I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW    I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE    That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW    I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE    And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW    Whyever not? LISETTE     On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW    [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE    That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW    What? LISETTE    That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW    Out? LISETTE    [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND    QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM    [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW    [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM    Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW    I don't see anyone.  Anyone... hostile. SOUND    QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY    [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM    What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY    They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW    I don't doubt it. SCOTTY    And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW    I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY    And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM    [heavy sigh]  Ayup. CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND    UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM    Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND    SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW    Of course. SCOTTY    I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM    I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY    What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW    I'll deal with him. LEM    I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY    What are you doing? LEM    Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND    RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW    Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY    Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW    Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND    BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND    MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND    GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM    Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND    MEN WALK BY LEADER    Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND    Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER    [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND    We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY    [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW    There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY    But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW    Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY    And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW    [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY    What's it like? FANSHAW    [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY     Being with a woman? FANSHAW    Ohhh.... 4_RUNNING LEM    [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK SOUND    NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND    ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS    [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT    [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS    [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT    [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND    VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM    [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT    [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW    My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY    Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY    Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW    [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY    [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW    And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY    But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW    [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY    You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW    Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY     [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW    Yes.  Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND    RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT    Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM    You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT    There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM    I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT    [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM    [pride] Yup. SOUND    OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS    [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM    [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT    But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM    I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW    I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY    Was she really purtty? FANSHAW    [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY    You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW    Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY    What didja do? FANSHAW    I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY    You waited on a rock? FANSHAW    I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY    What happened? FANSHAW    I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY    Yes? FANSHAW    That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY    She'd gone and -- FANSHAW    My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY    Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW    Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND    UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM    They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT    Yes. YOUNG LEM    Why?  What for? PIEDMONT    We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM    You mean the war?  Hmph.  My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT    [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM    [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS    There he is! MAN    Get him! PIEDMONT    [scream] SOUND    SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM    [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT    I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY    You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW    Yes.  We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY    How'd it work? FANSHAW    Work? SCOTTY    I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW    I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY    Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW    We... help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND    LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT    [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM    [gasp]  Pa? SOUND    GUNSHOT SOUND    TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS    [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW    Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY    Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW    No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY    Oh.  I spose that could happen. FANSHAW    Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY    [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW    [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY    [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW    Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY    What if it's ladies? FANSHAW    [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY    What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW    [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM    [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS    You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM    [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS    Good.  Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM    [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS    Yup. YOUNG LEM    In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS    Yup.  [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM    What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS    [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM    Oh. SOUND    BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS    Lem?  YOUNG LEM    [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS    [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM    [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY    It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW    Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY    I-- FANSHAW    [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY    Answer? FANSHAW    Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY    What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW    Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY    Oh.  And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW    What about me? SCOTTY    Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW    Oh.  But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY    No?  Why? FANSHAW    I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY    That's crazy talk. FANSHAW    That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY    All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW    A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY    That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW    True.  [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY    Is there something we can do? FANSHAW    This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND    IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER    [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER    Yessir! SOUND    FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND    DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2    Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER    On foot?  SENTRY    [off] Halt! LEM    [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY    Stop, I say! COMMANDER    Let him on through. LEM    They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER    Why are you-- LEM    Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND    FALLS DOWN COMMANDER    Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM    I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY    We got to do something! FANSHAW    And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY    Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW    I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY    [really down] No. FANSHAW    If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC    Can you get yourself around this? LEM    [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC    [shrug] Mostly brandy.  Medicinal. LEM    [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE     Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM    [coughs] DOC    Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM    [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE    [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC     The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM    Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY    He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW    We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY    [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW    There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY    But I-- GRISHAM    [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY    Where? FANSHAW    To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND    MEN READY TO GO SOUND    MOUNT UP LEM    [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER    You doing all right, there, feller? LEM    Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER     Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND    HORSES MOVE OUT LEM    Commander? COMMANDER    Hmm? LEM    Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER    This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM    Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER    I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM    Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND    PUNCH FANSHAW    [casual] shut up. SCOTTY    That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW    Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM    [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW    Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY    Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW    How? SCOTTY     Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM    Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY    [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM    oof! SCOTTY    Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW    Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM    [muttered] Fanshaw?  Damn.  Too far out.  COMMANDER    What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM    Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER    Good.  Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM    Course not.  COMMANDER    You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM    Ayup.  Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER    You're sure he's ... dead? LEM    I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER    [sad] That's too bad. LEM    Kin? COMMANDER    Nephew.  LEM    [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER    That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM    [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND    MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW    Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK AMB    BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY    Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA    Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY    You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA    No!  I am a pirate. NANNY    Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA    Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY    Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA    Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER    Did you see how big a force they had? LEM    Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER    [skeptical] Really? LEM    They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER    [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM    'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER    [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND    STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND    SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY    [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM    [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW    [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1    Hey!  I found something! SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW    [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2    What? SECOND    Silence! RUFFIAN2    [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1    Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND    [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER    [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB    Yessir! LEM    If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER    You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM    [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER    Valuables? LEM    Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER    [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM    [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY    Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW    I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY    Why? FANSHAW    I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY    Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW    No.  There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY    Why can't I--? FANSHAW    Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY    Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW    Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY    [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW    Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND    FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA    I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY    Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA    But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY    And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA    Or nannies. NANNY    [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA    I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY    [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA    I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY    [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA    Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND    NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER    Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM    I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER    [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM    If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER    [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM    I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER    One thing. LEM    Yeah? COMMANDER    One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM    [down] Oh. COMMANDER    And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM    I- COMMANDER    [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM    [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER    [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM    I kin only do my best. SOUND    WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND    COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER    [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW    Blackguards. RUFFIAN2    [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1    [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2    [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1    Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW    Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM    Nothin.  [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW    [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM    [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW    Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM    What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND    RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB    IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM     Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW    [muffled noises] SOUND    STRUGGLING GRISHAM    Oh, no you don't!  SOUND    MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM    I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW    [noise of effort] GRISHAM    [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW    Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM    Waitaminute.  [disgusted noise] FANSHAW    [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM    Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW    [noise of effort] SOUND    STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM    You're a-- ?  FANSHAW    You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER    He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND    [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER    [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND    [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER    [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER    Shots? SECOND    Sir? LEADER    Damn.  Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND    Plan dos, sir? LEADER    They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND    Yessir! SOUND    RUNS OFF SCOTTY     [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND    HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW    [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM    [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND    HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM    [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND    SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM    [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND    NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM    [muttered] almost... GRISHAM    There you are! LEM    [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM    Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND    GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM    Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND    BEGINS SHOOTING MaN    [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER    [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY    Yessir! MAN    [hit, argh!] COMMANDER    Stay low! FANSHAW    All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM    There you are. FANSHAW    Bloody hell. GRISHAM    [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW    [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND    FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND    COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND    RELOADING SOUND    NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM    That's nine.  SOUND    SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY    [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM    Damn.  [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY    [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM    [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND    HORSE BLOWS LEM    [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW    [a bit distant] Lem? LEM    Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW    Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM    Grisham?  Yeah. FANSHAW    The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM    Good.  Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW    What message? LEM    Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND    HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW    Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER    Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL    Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER    This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND    HORSE APPROACHING LEM    [distant] Commander! COMMANDER    Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER    A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND    HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM    [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER    My god! LEM    Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER    You, boy! BOY    Yessir? COMMANDER    Bring my horse, quickly! LEM    You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER    You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM    Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER    Corporal? CORPORAL    [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW    Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND    LEM DISMOUNTS LEM    Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL    Excellent!  FANSHAW    I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM    Found you! FANSHAW    Oh, damn!  GRISHAM    You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW    [hits out] GRISHAM    [ungh!] FANSHAW    Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM    [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM    What? LEM    You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM    [all the bluster gone]  Yeah. LEM    Good.  I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM    [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND    QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM    Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM    [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL    [commanding] Men! SOUND    MORE GUNSHOTS LEM    [groan] SOUND    BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW    [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? END

When reformed gunslinger Lemual Roberts (formerly the Deadeye Kid) and his sidekick, British travel writer Clarence Fanshaw, roll into town, things sometimes get a bit... spirited.... But sorting out a feud in Ozark hill country might be more than they can handle.  Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Sheriff Nell - Hillary Dixon Bartender - Joel Harvey     DRUMMONDS Eb Drummond - Dan Conklin Jake Drummond - Jake Stratton     TARBOXES Abner Tarbox - Bill Hollweg (of Brokensea Audio) Hap Tarbox - Reynaud LeBoeuf Marilee Tarbox - Beverly Poole Jenfaire Tarbox - Jody Montague Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Cover Photo:  Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's hill country somewhere in the Old West..." ********************************************************************** THE DEADEYE KID Cast: Olivia Lemuel Roberts (Deadeye Kid), retired gun, seen it all Clarence Fanshaw, British writer, highfaluting Hap Tarbox, last of the Tarboxes Jake Drummond, last of the Drummonds Marilee Tarbox, cause of the feud Jenfaire Tarbox, Marilee's sister Abner Tarbox, "old man" of the Tarboxes Eb Drummond, old and more than a might tetched Barkeep Sheriff Nell Milford - ex-schoolmarm, talks purty. OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an Ozark cart-road, can't you tell?  WESTERN MUSIC AMBIANCE     DAYTIME WOODS - BIRDS, ETC. SOUND    HOOF BEATS - TWO HORSES LEM    Tell me again why you wanted to come on up here? FANSHAW    I've told you a dozen times already, old chap. LEM    Keep tellin' me and might could I'll believe it some time. FANSHAW    [chuckle]  I am fascinated by the impact of emigrant culture into the Americas.  This particular area of the Ozark Mountain Range was heavily influenced by the Scottish who came here over the years. LEM    I never heered no one from hereabouts sounding Scotch. FANSHAW    Not surprising, my good man - Scotch is a whiskey.  Scottish is an accent. [chuckles] LEM    [disgusted] I reckon. FANSHAW    And you see, this area is most commonly known for carrying over the Scottish concept of the feud. LEM    Well, I guess I did know that. FANSHAW    Some feuds in Scotland went on for generations - long after everyone had forgotten the root cause of the conflict. LEM    Yup. FANSHAW    And this area is so isolated, nothing will have changed much for - oh, 200 years.  It's like a window into the past. LEM    Speaking of holdin' grudges, Fanshaw, You might not want to say too much - folks round here might still be smartin' from that little dustup with your folks. FANSHAW    My folks? LEM    You know, hunnert-some years back? FANSHAW    Hundred?  Oh!  Oh, yes.  I take your point, Lemuel.  Yes.  I shall keep mum, then, until we have tested the waters, so to speak, and understand the local population a mite better. LEM    Long as you keep shet, I reckon we'll do fine. SOUND    JUST THE HORSES FOR A MOMENT SOUND    GUNSHOT ABNER    Stop right there! SOUND    HORSES PULL UP LEM    [resigned] Don' want no trouble, podner. ABNER    You one o' them? LEM    Don' even know who them is. ABNER    [hatred oozing]  Them Drummonds? LEM    Not no Drummond.  Don' know no Drummonds.  Jest passin' through.  Name's Lemuel Roberts. ABNER    Roberts?  You the Deadeye Kid? LEM    [sigh, weary]  Used t'be.  I's retired. ABNER    But you don't stand with them Drummonds? LEM    I stand pretty much as you see me. ABNER    [thinks a moment]  You's s'posed to be mighty good with a shootin' iron - any chance you'd like a job? LEM    I don' take sides. ABNER    It wooden take long.  You and me, we cud end this hyear thing once and fer all. LEM    [sigh] I ain't a shootist no more.  Fight yer own battles.  SOUND    HOOVES, CONTINUING UNTIL STOPPED FANSHAW    [whispered] I say, what if he shoots you in the back? LEM    [snort] Won't make no never mind.  He ain't no danger. FANSHAW    [realizing something]  Oh!  [beat]  I'm always surprised that you see things like that so much more clearly than I. LEM    Yep.  [dry sarcasm]  I'm the lucky one. MUSIC AMBIANCE    WESTERN TOWN SOUND    ONE SET OF BOOTS ON WOOD SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, BOOTS STOP AMBIANCE    SALOON PEOPLE    [talking, slight lull in conversations] SOUND    BOOTS CONTINUE, DOOR SWINGS SHUT PEOPLE    [Conversation resumes] FANSHAW    [quietly] You certainly know how to make an entrance. LEM    [quietly] Don' see too many strangers hereabouts. BARKEEP    Certainly don't.  We're a mite off the beaten path.  What'll you have? LEM    Whiskey. FANSHAW    I could do with some myself. LEM    [sighs, then loud, to bartender]  I dint see no sign.  What's the name of this here town? BARKEEP    Locknaw. FANSHAW    [excited, but still very quiet]  I knew it!  I'm quite sure there's a castle Lochnaw - I shall have to look that up. SOUND    ONE GLASS BEING SET DOWN AND POURED BARKEEP    Like I said, we don' get many strangers hereabouts.  No need fer a sign. LEM    Reckon so.  [drinks quickly, reacts]  I heerd tell of some feudin' up this way?  P'raps why you get no company? BARKEEP    Did that blasted Hap Tarbox try and hold you up?  [calling]  Sheriff? LEM    No, no - I met someone, but he was might near civil.  FANSHAW    You call that civil? SOUND    OFF - CREAK OF CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH LEM    They ain't no need fer...  You-- you all gotta female sheriff? FANSHAW    I say--! BARKEEP     [hurriedly, under his breath]  She's the only one no one-- SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP SHERIFF NELL    I'm Sheriff Milford, but most folks just call me Sheriff Nell.  LEM    Don' take you very serious, do they? SHERIFF NELL    They don't have much choice.  Is there anything I can help you with? BARKEEP    Tarbox's up to it again. SHERIFF NELL    That's preposterous.  I've got him locked up.  What's your name, stranger? LEM    [reluctant, but rapid] Lemuel Roberts.  I saw someone-- BARKEEP    [belligerently, resents sheriff] Someone tried to stop him in the road and it surely weren't Abner Tarbox. FANSHAW    I say, why? LEM    [trying to calm them]  Dint nobody try to stop me.  I was just sayin I met someone on the road.  SHERIFF NELL    What did he look like? LEM    I dint-- FANSHAW    Just under 6 feet tall, ginger hair, perhaps 60 years old, ruddy complexion-- LEM    [undertone] tsch.  [up] --Dint get a good look at him.  He'us in the brush. BARKEEP    That's Hap-- SHERIFF NELL    Hush.  Let's have a seat. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS SHERIFF NELL    This ...person... did he say anything? SOUND    SQUEAK OF CHAIRS LEM    Ast if I was Tarbox or Drummond.  When I said I dint know neither one from Adam, he passed on... on by. FANSHAW    [chuckle] SHERIFF NELL    When was this? LEM    n'hour or so.  See here, what's a'goin' on? FANSHAW     Yes, this is perfectly fascinating! SHERIFF NELL    [sigh] Tarbox - Drummond feud.  Started long before I arrived in town.  They've just about managed to kill each other off.  The only ones still fighting are Hap Tarbox and Jake Drummond, and neither one has any children, so Locknaw's just keeping its head down until one or both is done in. LEM    And you're the only one they all-- SHERIFF NELL    I was made sheriff because I'm the only one in town with no kin on either side.  I came to Locknaw as schoolmarm, if you can believe it.  SHERIFF NELL     (continues) Took this on since it was the only way to keep them from shooting up the town every Friday night.  Now they just terrorize each other - and strangers. FANSHAW    Perhaps we can help? LEM    I'm not much of one fer interferin'-- SHERIFF NELL    That isn't what I've heard, Mister Roberts.  LEM    [Sigh] FANSHAW    Your reputation precedes you. LEM    I cain't never get away from it. FANSHAW    [with Nell] Double negative.  [chuckles at Nell's reaction] SHERIFF NELL    [with Fanshaw] You shouldn't use a double negative like that.  [NOTE she does not react to Fanshaw's comment.] LEM     I don't rightly care.  SHERIFF NELL    I'm so sorry.  Old habits.  I'm-- [sigh]  Sorry.  If you truly don't want to interfere, I'll-- LEM    I dint not say that - neither. SHERIFF NELL    [laughs] FANSHAW    You're smarter than you act sometimes, "podner." LEM    Only, it's more on account of what I used to be, than what I am, if you take my drift. SHERIFF NELL    I'm afraid I don't.  Quite. FANSHAW    He's a reformed man.  Trying to make up for the things he feels he has done wrong. LEM    Let's just say that if I still were who I was, I'd prob'ly be wantin' money fer this.  Being who I am now, I'm just tryin' to -- well, get inta providence's good books. SHERIFF NELL    Expiation. FANSHAW    My precise word. LEM    Naw, just payin' back for my sins. MUSIC AMBIANCE    WOODS, ONE SET OF FOOTSTEPS IN UNDERBRUSH FANSHAW    Are you sure this is safe? LEM    You don' have to come along.  You're sumpin' of a trial. FANSHAW    That's the sort of thanks I get!  If it were not for me-- LEM    You know I don' mind the comp'ny, I jest meant-- SOUND    LOUD SNAP OF TWIG FANSHAW    Was that--? LEM    A twig.  We should be jest about there, if'n I reckon right.  [grunt]  Yep - it's cleared out over thataway. FANSHAW    That will make a delightful change. SOUND    CRUNCHING THROUGH BRUSH, THEN FEET ON DIRT FANSHAW    [low]  I say, look there, Lemuel. LEM    [low]  I see her.  [up, very deferential]  Ma'am?  Ma'am?  MARILEE    [gasps, taken completely by surprise] Oh! LEM    Ma'am, please, we don' mean no-- FANSHAW    --any-- LEM    --no harm.  Jest want to set and talk for a spell.  Are you Marilee Tarbox?  I was told I might find you hereabouts. MARILEE    [utterly bewildered] I-- I--  What are you doing here? FANSHAW    We've come to speak with you, my dear young lady, about the - ahem - altercation between the Tarbox family and the Drummonds. MARILEE    I'm afeared that'us all my doin'. LEM    That's why we come.  Can you bear to tell it? MARILEE    I'us s'posed to marry my removed cousin Abner Tarbox, but I'us took with love for Eb Drummond.  So young and fetchin-- FANSHAW    How utterly tragic! MARILEE    Ayep!  As t'was, I dint make it nowheres.  Never did get to church.  After-- well, Abner and all brought me back here, and here I's stayed.  FANSHAW    And of course, Abner couldn't marry you, after all that had happened-- MARILEE    [shocked]  That's crazy talk! LEM    Don' pay Fanshaw no mind.  He's furren.  They talk plumb crazy all the time. FANSHAW    Lemuel! LEM    Miss Marilee, so you's tellin' us that it was you harin' off that started up the feud? MARILEE    S'all I know about.  [ashamed]  O'course, no one much talks to me no more.  FANSHAW    That is most definitely their loss, miss Tarbox.  You are as lovely as a veritable posey in springtime. MARILEE    [smiling] Crazy but sweet, aincha just? MUSIC SOUND    MORE BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW    I don't see what more we need to know - Miss Marilee's abscondance was the root of the conflict. LEM    I jest don't see it.  It ain't -- drastic enough, to my mind. FANSHAW    Trust me, it takes very little to set Scottish blood afire, even at this far remove! SOUND    GUN SHOT FANSHAW    Was that--? LEM    Yup.  That one WAS.  Stay here. SOUND    DROP HEAVY BAG ON HARD GROUND LEM    [Calling]  I ain't yer enemy!  Whoever y'are, I ain't none o' this!  Jest want some palaver. JAKE    Ain't a Tarbox? LEM    Wouldn't even if'n I could. FANSHAW    [off] I'm not even going to try... LEM    [low] Hesh.  [up]  Can I come on?  You see my hands, a'right? JAKE    [beat]  All right.  Come on, then. LEM    [to Fanshaw] Keep shut.  I don't fancy getting' kilt here. FANSHAW     [off, fading]  Right-ho, Lem. SOUND    WADING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH JAKE    Who are you, then? LEM    Lemuel Roberts.  You can call me Lem. EB    [coming on, wheezy]  Looks like a Tarbox t'me. JAKE     Lem.  I'm Jake.  You holdin' iron? LEM    Left it yonder. JAKE    [grunt of acceptance]  So what you come fer? EB    He's scouting fer them.  LEM    How bout you'n'I set a spell?  JAKE    I reckon we cud do that.  Lord'a'mighty, put yer hands down - you look right silly. LEM    Thankee kindly.  [grunt as he sits]  EB    You cain't trust him, cain't trust none'o them! JAKE    Lemuel Roberts.  Seems like I heered that name somewheres. EB    He's the Deadeye Kid!  Just goes to show them Tarboxes are yeller enough to hire theyselves a gun! LEM    [grudgingly] Folks sometimes call me... the Deadeye Kid. JAKE    Thassit!  [suddenly suspicious]  Them Tarboxes, they pay y'all to come on up here? LEM    Nope.  [sighs]  I-- I don't rightly know why I'm gettin' inta the middle o' this-- EB    He's a low-down dirty liar!  Check and see if he got him a forked tongue.  LEM    Mister Drummond, I reckon the only folks I'm speakin' for here is the town.  They ast me to try and stop all this trouble, and here I am.  They jest ast me cuz I don't haveta live here, and I-- well, I guess I ain't a‑scared of much.  [slight snort] EB    You shud be!  My boy here can shoot the eye out a silver eagle at twenny paces! JAKE    [snort of disbelief] Y'all are gonna sort this here out?  Cain't think how you spect to do that.  This'us been goin' on for a donkey's years, and Hap ain't about to rein in none.  He's a curly wolf 'n no mistake.  Time and again, I tried to reach some kinder accord with him, but - well, I shore wooden be s'prised to find that boy was plumb rabid. EB    That whole family got polecat in it somewheres.  Ain't none of the menfolk right in the head. LEM    But you'ud set down if'n he did? JAKE    [blows out air, thinking, then doubtful]  I reckon I cud, but I cain't see my way to trustin' him, nohow.  He'd lie soon as look atcha. EB    Don't you go trustin' them Tarboxes, boy!  LEM    If I sort this out right, he shou'n't have nothin' left to be afired up about. JAKE    He was borned afired up.  Hmm... [beat]  Well, [slaps his thighs] Least I can be hospitable.  You a drinkin' man? LEM    I wouldn't say no to a snort. SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER AS JAKE GETS UP JAKE    [going off] Be right back. SOUND    FEET ON GRAVEL WALK AWAY LEM    [waits a second, then] And you, sir?  EB    Me?  Eh?  No one lissens to me! LEM    Might you be Eb Drummond? EB    [sly]  I might.... but not to any Tarbox.  LEM    Marilee sends her love. EB    [flabbergasted]  Marilee?  How'd you know Marilee? LEM    Talked to her, jest as I'm talking to you now.  Figgered the boy wouldn't understand, so I waited to tell you. EB    She--  Is she--? LEM    I spect she's much as you remember her.  They never managed to get her hitched, if that's what you're worrying about. EB    Then ...what happened--? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL RETURNING JAKE    Make it myself.  Old granddad's receipt. EB    Boy does take after me. SOUND    CREAK AS JAKE SITS SOUND     BOTTLE TOP OFF, POUR INTO TIN CUP JAKE    Get yerself around that, then. LEM    [reacts - powerful, but not bad] JAKE    [chuckles] Kicks, eh? LEM    [coughing slightly] Like a cougar in a carrysack.  EB    Yep.  Bites and scratches all the way down. JAKE    [chuckles] EB    Boy!  Yes you. LEM    [very understated] Hmm? SOUND    OCCASIONAL SIPPING, POUR OF ANOTHER DRINK, THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING EB    [whispering throughout] Them Tarboxes, they said Marilee brought me a poke of gold coins, as a dowry-like-- JAKE    So you're fixin' to end the feud? LEM    Yep. EB    --and that's what started the intire mess.  When they - they ...found her-- JAKE    I'd be happier than a pig in swill if this was over.  EB    --the coins weren't nowhere.  She never had 'em! JAKE    I cud settle down. EB    You b'lieve me, dontcha? JAKE    Maybe raise me up some kids. LEM    Yep.  [slight change in emphasis]  Sounds mighty nice.  JAKE    It's Hap Tarbox won' letcha snap it off. LEM    Reckon I'll ask him hisself.  SOUND    CREAK AS HE GETS UP, DUSTS HIS SEAT LEM    Afternoon. JAKE    Here's luck. EB    If you happen across Marilee again, tell her I- I'll come for her. LEM    I'll carry that. MUSIC FANSHAW    Gold?  I was quite certain this all began with love. LEM    Gold moves jest as many mountains. FANSHAW    Yes, but you must consider - Love may very well vanish into thin air, but gold must have actually gone somewhere. LEM    Plenty o' folks, these parts, ‘d bury it.  No one'ud ever know. FANSHAW    Oh, come now.  A secret is only a secret if no one knows it.  Did he say how much gold? LEM    Spect he dint know.  Not likely they'd a given no reckonin' to them they's accusin' of rustlin', no ways. FANSHAW    [sigh]  Sometimes I truly despair for your grammar. LEM    [smile]  My Grammar's dead.  Keeled over when I wasn't but a pup. FANSHAW    [sound of exasperation]. MUSIC AMBIANCE    TOWN SOUND    HOOVES - ONE HORSE SOUND    HORSE STOPS, CREAK OF A DISMOUNT SOUND    BOOTS ACROSS WOODEN PLANKING, KNOCK ON DOOR SHERIFF NELL    [off]  Come on in! FANSHAW    This Hap fellow isn't likely to be very cooperative, after his incarceration. LEM    Let me do the talkin'. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE FANSHAW    [muttered] As always... LEM    Sheriff?  Ma'am? SHERIFF NELL    Mr. Roberts.  Have you had any luck? LEM    A mite.  Can I jaw with your prisoner for a spell? SOUND    HEAVY LEATHER CARRYSACK BEING SET DOWN SHERIFF NELL    Hap?  Certainly.  Though I must warn you he's not very cooperative.  Right through here. SOUND    JINGLE OF BIG KEY RING SOUND    LADY'S FOOTSTEPS FOLLOWED BY SINGLE SET OF HEAVY BOOTS SOUND     LOCK UNLOCKS, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE FANSHAW    [off, calling, slightly disgruntled] I'll just wait out here, shall I? LEM    [muttered] That's jest fine. SHERIFF NELL    Hmm? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP, JINGLE OF KEYS AGAIN LEM    Ah'm startin' to see what mighta caused all this.  SHERIFF NELL    How?  I've had Hap and Jake each at one time and another in lockup here, and neither one seems to know - or they simply won't speak of it. LEM    Ah'm good at listenin' to them as no one else pays any mind to.  SHERIFF NELL    Whatever do you mean? LEM    [he said too much]  Um, old folks, crazy folks, injuns - them kinds.  SHERIFF NELL    [puzzled] Hmm. LEM    If'n it gets the job done, I reckon the path I take don't matter much? SHERIFF NELL    [sigh] Too true.  Well, see what sort of a path you can turn up in there - but I'm afraid you'll find it a rather crooked one. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BOOTED FEET GO IN HAP    Wuzzat? SHERIFF NELL    Someone wishes to speak with you, Mr. Tarbox.  Please try and be civil. HAP    You can go to blazes, bezom. SHERIFF NELL    Such a fine upstanding character.  I want nothing further to do with him.  SOUND    BOOTS SLOW INTO ROOM.  DOOR SHUTS. HAP     You can go to blazes too, who'e'er y'be! LEM    Kinda dark in here, ain't it? HAP    It's the pokey, nit.  ABNER    Hey!  I clapped eyes on you afore this - on the road!  You said you wasn't involved!  LEM    I ain't involved in none of this, jest trying to help the Sheriff keep the peace.  Now, she says Hap - that's you, ain't it? - is one o' them making trouble. ABNER     It's them Drummonds!  They's the ones started it, stealin' our gold! HAP    This is all them Drummonds' fault!  We're jest tryin' to get back our own! LEM    I unnerstand that.  Now if'n I can nose out what y'all lost, get it back to you, would you agree to end this - make peace? ABNER    My own cousin was kilt fer that gold!  That varmint Eb Drummond tricked her into stealin' it, then crevassed her once't he done got hold of it! HAP    [not convincing, too sly] I reckon I might could set down - long as Drummond does. ABNER    Her folks was took hard - losing both daughters in jest one season. HAP    Y'all come back when Drummond turns peacable, ya hear? LEM    [muttering]  Two daughters? HAP    What?  Wazzat? LEM    [disgusted noise, then strangely inflected]  I'll speak with you again soon, feller. HAP    Soon?  hah! MUSIC AMBIANCE    WESTERN TOWN STREET SOUND    ONE PAIR BOOTS ON WOOD OR HARDPACK, WALKING SLOWLY LEM    Didja see him? FANSHAW    Yes.  While you were in conference with Tarbox, I took a look around - [heavy sarcasm] as much as I can manage on my own. LEM    And? FANSHAW    Jake Drummond was certainly watching when we left the Sheriff's office.  What shall we do now?  LEM    I'm sore tempted to break Hap Tarbox out the pokey. FANSHAW     Surely you jest!  Lem, that would be madness! LEM    It'd be one way to end everythin'. FANSHAW    Do you mean--? LEM     You put two rabid dogs in one corral, you're bound to have at least one less dog. FANSHAW    But Jake... He seemed like a rather reasonable fellow. LEM     That's all at's stoppin' me. SOUND    PAPER UNROLLS FANSHAW    What the devil is -- [confused] a wanted poster?  [very dry] You're holding it upside down. LEM    Don' matter-- SOUND    PAPER IS ROLLED UP LEM    --I jest took it.  Wanted sumpin' to make Jake wonder. MUSIC SOUND    BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW    I don't see why we had to come all the way back out here. You've already spoken with Marilee.  LEM    I reckon she might have more t'say about them two lost girls.  FANSHAW     Do you feel it's so important? LEM    Everthin's important - right up til you know what ain't.  This - well, I reckon its jest sumpin that got overlooked, and I cain't leave a loose rope to dangle. FANSHAW    Colorful.  Do you still hear Jake behind us? LEM    Reckon I do. SOUND    LEAVE THE BRUSH, BOOTS ON HARD PACK FANSHAW    Aha, the lady is expecting us. MARILEE    [coming on] Y'all came back! FANSHAW    Of course!  Simply to gaze upon you would brighten any man's day. MARILEE    [giggles] LEM    [disgusted] Now that the courtin's done with, you two want a hayloft somewheres? FANSHAW    I say! LEM    You say plenty.  Miss Marilee, we come back fer two reasons.  First, Tarbox said sumpin about two girls died the year the feud started-- MARILEE    My sister might could tell you more-- JAKE    [off]  What in tarnation is wrong with you, Kid? LEM    [calling back off to Jake] This'll only take a moment.  You might want to-- EB    [off] Marilee? MARILEE    [breathless] Eb? FANSHAW    Now I see your scheme!  You romantic fool, you! LEM    [calling] Jake, I need to apologize fer leadin' you all to hell and gone-- [BEHIND JAKE AND LEM, MARILEE AND EB EXCHANGE ENDEARMENTS - HE STARTS TO SOUND YOUNGER, LESS CROTCHETY] JAKE    I should say so!  What you want with in a place like this? [slightly weirded out - it is a graveyard]  They ain't nothin' here. LEM    I been thinkin' that mebbe the answer is here somewheres. JAKE    Here?  Buried?  Was that paper Tarbox gave you a map? LEM    No map.  See, two young ladies - were taken from their family, right about the start of all this, here.  I'm reasonable sure Marilee weren't the cause, so I have to ast myself, what about the other one? MARILEE    Jenfaire?  What do you know about her? LEM    Sheriff Nell says your sister left behind a child and a husband who weren't much more than a drunk and a troublemaker-- EB    That's a Tarbox all right.  Beggin' your pardon, my dearest dove. MARILEE    He'us a beast.  He hurt her so bad when he got too much white lightnin inta him.  LEM    So I ast myself who would need the money more, if'n she were plannin' on lightin' out fer parts unknown - a newborned mama, or a girl gone to marry? JAKE    But Jenfaire Tarbox, she was Hap's Grandma. LEM    So Sheriff Nell said. JAKE    She never dint go nowheres. LEM    Not like she planned, no.  HAP    [off] Hold it right thar!  Hands up, both of you! LEM    Down! JAKE    No! SOUND    SCUFFLE, THEN GUNSHOTS [from off] WHICH PING OFF OF STONE. JAKE    I reckon there's one good thing about meetin in a place like this.  [grunt as he rolls up to shoot] SOUND    CLOSE GUN SHOT JAKE    Plenty o' cover. LEM    Dammit, I'm trying to end this peaceable. JAKE    Go out there and tell that sidewinder, then.  I'll put up when he does. FANSHAW    Lem, he's behind a tree north-north east of here.  If you roll to the left, he won't have a clear shot. LEM    Right.  Jake, you stay put.  Gimme some cover, but don't waste yer lead. JAKE    [almost enjoying this] Oh, I got plenty. LEM    Just cover! SOUND    SCUFFLE AS LEM ROLLS AWAY.  A COUPLE QUICK GUN SHOTS FROM OFF, ONE FROM NEAR - THEY GO ON SPORADICALLY IN THE B/G LEM    Get Marilee over here.  I need Jenfaire.  FANSHAW    Right ho! LEM    [yelling] Abner?  Abner Tarbox! HAP    It's Hap, you chicken-brained dog-breath varmint! JAKE    [hissing]  Course, it's Hap!  Abner got hung last month over to Conners Gulch. LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  FANSHAW    Here is Marilee.  Shall go and I fetch Abner for you, as well? LEM    [sigh] Yeah.  If'n you please. MARILEE    Jenfaire don' wanna come.  She ain't fit for comp'ny. LEM    I ain't company, woman.  Think o' me as the law. EB    [sounding much younger] Yes, darlin', lissen to the-- ABNER     [off, coming on] Let go of me - you city slickin' furriner!  EB    What the blazes! ABNER     [grunt of effort] Hah!  [shocked] Marilee! MARILEE    Abner! EB    Stay behind me, Marilee. SOUND    GUN SHOTS CONTINUE ABNER    You little mink, runnin' off on me. EB    You dint take no time a'tall to fetch you another bride, Abner Tarbox. ABNER    [sarcasm] Right.  I plumb fergot it were almost five years afore you finally hitched up with Ellie Dean. MARILEE    Oh! EB    I had to, darlin'-- LEM    I hate to break up this li'l tea party-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM     But if'n we don't sort things out right quick, your 'last remainin' will be joinin' you. JAKE    [off] You say sumpin, Lem? LEM    [calling] Talkin' to m'self.  [quieter, urgent] Get Jenfaire. MARILEE    [going off] I'll try... ABNER    [low]  Eb, Don't you never tell that purty little girl this, but I was jest as happy to see the back of her. EB    What? Why? ABNER    I's never sure but that we was a mite too close fer kissin, if'n you see where I's aimin'. EB    Oh! LEM    Sounds t'me like, if the gold's found, this whole thing can be done with. MARILEE    Jenfaire's here.  Talk.  LEM    Jenfaire?  Where? FANSHAW    She prefers to stay out of sight, Lemuel, but she will answer. LEM    [Sigh]  I'ud rather look folks in the face, but-- Jenfaire Tarbox, wha'd you do with them gold coins? JENFAIRE    [distant, wispy, teary]  I-- I hid ‘em under the cowshed, in a leather poke.  I meant to go back and..., and git.  Just git away--  but the baby come early. LEM    I see. JENFAIRE    --and I-- I dint make it. LEM    Thank you ma'am, fer that.  You go on back now.  I'll try and turn this stampede. EB    Can I-- I can stay here, with Marilee, cain't I?  LEM     Reckon I don't know, but you can try.  [Up]  Hap!  I know where the gold is.  I'm standin' up, and if you shoot me, there ain't no one else alive can tell you where to find it. FANSHAW    Must you rub it in? SOUND    NOISE OF STANDING:  CREAK OF LEATHER, PULLING SELF UP ON HEADSTONE, ETC. HAP    [off, calling] Tell Jake to throw down his weapon. JAKE    Ain't gonna happen! HAP    Tell him-- LEM    Ain't gonna happen, Hap.  But Jake is gonna walk away, and you and I are gonna go on and get yer coins. JAKE    [whispered, still hunkered down] I ain't! LEM    Jest go. SOUND    [beat, then] JAKE STANDS, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL MUSIC BUILDS     NOT A CHANGE SCENE, JUST A DRAMATIC MOMENT SOUND    CLICK OF HAMMER ON REVOLVER SOUND    GUNSHOT, SOMEWHAT IN SLOW-MO SOUND    SECOND GUNSHOT - GOES WILD, RICOCHET. JAKE    [yell of surprise] HAP    [off] Unggh!  [impact] FANSHAW    Oh, good shot. JAKE    [turning around/coming on] What in tarnation?! SOUND    BODY DROP, OFF HAP    [off, death rattle] LEM    [under his breath]  Damn. MUSIC SOUND    HIS AND HERS BOOTS ON WOODEN PLANKS SHERIFF NELL    So Mr. Roberts shot Hap? JAKE    The critter was fixin' to shoot me in the back!  He couldn't not do it.  [beat]  Ma'am. SHERIFF NELL    Did anyone else witness this? JAKE    Nope.  I'm plumb sorry miss, I mean sheriff, ma'am, but it was jest the three of us.  [beat]  And all them headstones. SOUND    BOOTS STOP. DOOR OPENS SLOWLY, WITH EFFORT SHERIFF NELL    Ungh - what is -- wrong --? JAKE    Let me help ya, miss.  Ungh -- SOUND    DOOR OPENS GRUDGINGLY, SOMETHING FABRIC IS BEHIND IT SOUND    MUFFLED CLINK SHERIFF NELL    A rotted old leather sack?  MUSIC SOUND    TWO HORSES HOOVES FANSHAW    You could have kept some. LEM    [down] Sheriff Nell there will see it gets put to good use - mebbe fer a church or a school or sumpin. FANSHAW    You did the right thing.  That town is free of a terrible burden. LEM    [down] My hands done it.  Dint give me no time to think twice. FANSHAW    If not for your interference, Lemuel, a good man - Jake - would be dead.  [beat] Try to think of it this way - you ended the feud with but a single shot.  LEM    [starting out of slump] Yeah, I reckon a single shot kin have some kind of power. FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [kidding, sly] Like that shot heard round the world?  Jest over a hunnert years ago? FANSHAW    [huffy] Yes, well.  LEM    [chuckles a bit] MUSIC OUT CLOSER   NOTE:  Poem with the line shot heard round the world was written in 1837.

Welcome to the Instant Trivia podcast episode 473, where we ask the best trivia on the Internet. Round 1. Category: That's The Spot 1: This stickier version of "Jurassic Park" is at 5801 Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles. La Brea Tar Pits. 2: This patriot of few regrets was hanged in 1776 on what is now 66th and 3rd in New York City. Nathan Hale. 3: In 1993 Joe Carter hit a World Series-winning home run at 1 Blue Jays Way in this city. Toronto. 4: At 110 stories, see the taller side of Sears at 233 S. Wacker Dr, in this city. Chicago. 5: A sign that says "Get In Here" greets you at the Fog City Diner, located at 1300 Battery St. in this U.S. city. San Francisco. Round 2. Category: Robin 1: He's starred in 2 "Good" movies: "Good Morning, Vietnam" and "Good Will Hunting". Robin Williams. 2: That old gang of his included Will, John and Tuck. Robin Hood. 3: He's the only Bee Gee who fits the category. Robin Gibb. 4: This former soap star is married to Sean Penn. Robin Wright. 5: Medical thriller writer who has given us "Coma" and "Vector". Robin Cook. Round 3. Category: Special "Ed" 1: This city's name derives from the Celtic word meaning "Eiden's Fort". Edinburgh. 2: In our opinion, it's a newspaper article that represents the publisher's point of view. editorial. 3: At least the Antarctic range named for this Henry Ford descendant isn't considered a failure. Edsel Ford. 4: Hell-oooo, possums, "She's" the international star who took a "Royal Tour" in 2001. Dame Edna Everage. 5: This place, whose name means "place of pleasure", is often thought to have been in Mesopotamia. Garden of Eden. Round 4. Category: Broadway Roles 1: In 1951 he was "The King"; Gertrude Lawrence was "I". Yul Brynner. 2: In 2002 this "Notes on a Scandal" dame went "Into the Woods" as Giant (well, her recorded voice did, anyway). Judi Dench. 3: In 1968, before the force was with him, he landed the lead in "The Great White Hope". James Earl Jones. 4: (Hi. I'm Bebe Neuwirth.)In 1997 I won my 2nd Tony Award for playing Velma Kelly in "Chicago"; in 2007 I appeared in a revival of the production playing this dancer, Velma's rival. Roxie. 5: In 1948 he was drafted to play "Mister Roberts". Henry Fonda. Round 5. Category: Also An Apple Variety 1: Irish satirist Swift. Jonathan. 2: Acting brothers Alec, Billy and Stephen. Baldwin. 3: Broadway musical about Charlemagne's son. Pippin. 4: British royal house symbolized by a white rose. York. 5: Austere, like the people of an ancient Greek city. Spartan. Thanks for listening! Come back tomorrow for more exciting trivia!

Not all World War II American naval personnel saw combat. Many spent the entire war in non-combat roles, including serving on the thousands of supply ships that were essential to the war effort. The classic 1955 drama/comedy Mister Roberts tells the story of one such supply ship and its crew, which is led by an eccentric captain but inspired by the executive officer Mister Roberts, who wants more than anything else to fight. Join James and Sean as they discuss this sometimes funny, sometimes gut-wrenching, but always enjoyable film.

Mister Roberts was the last movie William Powell ever did, and he's great in it. Unfortunately, he's not in it very much. Henry Fonda, Jimmy Cagney, and Jack Lemmon all co-star in this US Navy dramedy that had three directors before all was said and done, and the way the tone ricochets all over the place like a pinball launched from a shotgun, it shows!

Air Date 4/27/99 Thank you so much for listening to NYPD Blue Balls! If you enjoyed this episode, we encourage you to rate and review the show on whatever podcast platform you happen to be listening on. Don't forget to check out our other podcast, The Asher Brothers Podcast, featuring sporadic and general chats between Kirk and Kyle AsherBrothersPodcast.com Make sure to follow us on Twitter @AsherBrosPod. For more content like this, follow Kirk on Twitter, Instagram & TikTok: @kirkhasglasses. Watch Kirk play video games and watch old movies: Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFgQ5XvqltSyP5a2UpPvUyQ Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/kirkhasglasses Join the Discord: discord.gg/GKPU6jm

"A captain's job is a lonely one. He's easily misunderstood." On this episode, we welcome back John Arminio and his father, Captain Tom Arminio, USN, Retired, to tackle a double feature of classic WWII-set Naval melodramas: 1954's The Caine Mutiny and 1955's Mister Roberts. Both films deal with the tricky subject of bad military leadership, how it trickles down the ranks and threatens the effectiveness of an entire ship. Whose is the worst captain, Humphrey Bogart's erratic and incompetent Queeg or James Cagney's oppressive and oblivious Morton? When is the right time for officers to take a stand against a potentially mad or tyrannical leader? When is the right time to pitch the palm tree into the ocean? Organizing movie screenings and discussions with his geographically separated family during the height of the pandemic, John Arminio has enjoyed regular movie talks with his father, whose 24 years of Naval experience give him a unique insight into these depictions of faulty leadership on the decks of wartime ships. Support our Patreon: www.patreon.com/thepinksmoke The Pink Smoke site: www.thepinksmoke.com The Pink Smoke on Twitter: twitter.com/thepinksmoke John Arminio on Twitter: twitter.com/QuasarSniffer John Cribbs on Twitter: twitter.com/TheLastMachine Intro music: Unleash the Bastards / “Tea for Two” Outro music: Marcus Pinn / “Vegas”

Presenting movies for your ears the Best Play production of "Mister Roberts" aired on Apr 17, 1953. Please support these shows with your donation today, thank you. https://mpir-otr.com/sponsors-donations

A new series segment, we look at films adapted from plays by decade starting with the 1950s

Alicia, Christine, Josh, and Nathan join Dale to discuss the 1955 movie Mister Roberts

Sergio Mims returns to catch-up with Erik Childress on a number of the latest on the Blu-ray scene. They reminisce about a classic from Danny Kaye and the childhood memories of the Buck Rogers TV series. Erik defends the Cameron Crowe film that was lambasted in Toronto years ago. Sergio takes us through a collection of classic musicals from Warner Archive as well as his appreciation of a William Lustig film and, of course, there’s more Peppard. Love is an understatement though when they both praise the recent 4K releases of a comic book film Sergio loves, a sword-and-sorcery film Erik does as well as the enduring B-movie strength of the original Tremors.   4:07 - Elizabethtown 14:11 – Love Story 18:20 – The Court Jester 24:28 – Vigilante 33:32 – Three Films by Luis Bunuel 39:50 – Minding the Gap 48:34 – Rough Night in Jericho 54:34 – Beach Red 1:02:09 – Ingagi 1:03:50 – Buck Rogers in the 25th Century: The Complete Series 1:08:04 – The Train 1:15:094 – After the Thin Man 1:20:08 – Tex Avery’s Screwball Classics Vol. 2 1:21:30 – Room for One More 1:23:15 – Mister Roberts 1:26:05 – The Harvey Girls 1:31:03 – Good News 1:33:03 – The Pajama Game 1:41:03 – Blade 4K 1:43:22 – The Beastmaster 4K 1:57:24 – Tremors 4K

Dana and Tom discuss a little known war comedy, Mister Roberts, based on the play of the same name starring Henry Fonda, James Cagney, William Powell, and Jack Lemmon in his first big appearance that also won him his first Oscar that year and directed by the great, John Ford. Plot Summary: Mister Roberts is a bittersweet film about a supply officer aboard a decrepit cargo ship during World War II who yearns for a transfer into a combat zone but is thwarted by the ship's captain, a petty tyrant. Forced to endure various humiliations in exchange for privileges, the crew engages in minor acts of resistance, and looks to Mr. Roberts for inspiration and moral support. Based on the hit Broadway play. For more on the episode, go to: https://tj3duncan.wixsite.com/tj3duncan/post/47-mister-roberts-1955 For the entire list of movies so far, go to: https://tj3duncan.wixsite.com/tj3duncan/post/greatest-movie-of-all-time-list --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Episode 67: Something old: Josh's: Hoop Dreams (1994): https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110057/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1 Christian's: The Longest Day (1962): https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056197/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1 Skye's: Mister Roberts (1955) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048380/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1 Something New: The Girl Who Wore Freedom: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7347258/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1 Ken Burns Masterclass: https://www.masterclass.com/classes/ken-burns-teaches-documentary-filmmaking The Girl Who Wore Freedom on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thegirlwhoworefreedom/ Something Blew: Christian's: Hamilton (??!?!?) Josh's: I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye (2018): https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9625234/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1 Skye's: Shazam!: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0448115/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1 Jason's: Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7131622/?ref_=nv_sr_1?ref_=nv_sr_1 https://www.normandystories.com/

Best Picture 1956: Marty, Mister Roberts, Picnic, Love is a Many-Splendored Thing, The Rose Tattoo @AcademyRewind (www.twitter.com/academyrewind) @TimothyPG13 (www.twitter.com/timothypg13)

NOTE: Henry Fonda movie talk begins around minute 34:50. The Finleys yap it up about the great Henry Fonda and two of his films: My Darling Clementine (1946) and Mister Roberts (1955). If you like what we do, consider becoming a Patreon subscriber at the $5+ per month level. Those who do will receive TWO additional episodes per month and access to the Patreon-only archives.

Robert Longbottom is a director, choreographer and director, primarily for theatre and opera. He made his Broadway debut as a director and choreographer with the original Broadway production of the Tony Award-nominated musical, Side Show in 1997. Other Broadway works include the reconceived revival of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Flower Drum Song, The Scarlet Pimpernel, and the 2009 revival of Bye Bye Birdie. He conceived, directed and choreographed the musical, Pageant in 1991 Off-Broadway. Other works include: Disney’s On The Record, Carnival!, The Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular, Show Boat in concert at Carnegie Hall, Mister Roberts, and Hay Fever. He was the director and choreographer for the tour of Dreamgirls, which premiered at the Apollo Theater in 2009, prior to a US national tour. We talked about the importance of entrepreneurship in this business as well as . . . How to make a transition from one career to another inside the Broadway biz (which isn’t always the most supportive of that kind of change). The origins of Side Show. How he convinced people to give him a shot . . . when they really shouldn’t have (according to him) The process of choreographing a great big, fat, opening number – what do you do first? Why things take so long to develop in 2018 and what we can do about it? The Book of Merman is a diva-driven journey featuring original songs and show-stopping ballads. Check it out at: broadway.com/shows/book-merman Keep up with me: @KenDavenportBway www.theproducersperspective.com  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We watched 1955's Mister Roberts and now all we want to know is WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?

Kris Keith comes to the Is It Jaws studios to make his podcasting debut, as he and Paul take a look at the 1955 film starring Henry Fonda, Jack Lemmon, William Powell and James Cagney: Mister Roberts. Has time been kind to this film or has it been passed by? [...]

Kris Keith comes to the Is It Jaws studios to make his podcasting debut, as he and Paul take a look at the 1955 film starring Henry Fonda, Jack Lemmon, William Powell and James Cagney: Mister Roberts. Has time been kind to this film or has it been passed by? But, more importantly, Is It Jaws? Listen in and find out!

Kris Keith comes to the Is It Jaws studios to make his podcasting debut, as he and Paul take a look at the 1955 film starring Henry Fonda, Jack Lemmon, William Powell and James Cagney: Mister Roberts. Has time been kind to this film or has it been passed by? But, more importantly, Is It Jaws? Listen in and find out!

Alexei Sayle’s comedy career kicked off as Thatcherism took hold in Britain and generated unprecedented political conflict and protest. Was this part of what made him one of the funniest voices of his generation? What does his comic persona – full of rage, and with a dark and dangerous edge – owe to the politics of the time? And how does he make Stalin and Thatcher funny? Alexei David Sayle was born in Liverpool and moved to London in 1971 to attend Chelsea Art School. He became the first MC of the Comedy Store, and later, the Comic Strip. After years of stand-up, television, sitcoms, films and even a hit single, he published his first highly acclaimed collection of short stories, Barcelona Plates, which was followed by The Dog Catcher, two novels – Overtaken and The Weeping Women Hotel – and a novella, Mister Roberts. The first volume of Alexei’s memoirs was Stalin Ate My Homework; it was followed byThatcher Stole My Trousers.

Best Plays presents theatrical paramounts of excellence. It's hosted by the drama critic of New York's Daily News, John Chapman. Dramatic and comedic performances outshine other theater radio shows, greatly performed by such greats as Boris Karloff and Alfred Drake.THIS EPISODE:Henry Fonda returned to films after an eight-year absence in this masterful adaptation of the actor's Broadway hit Mister Roberts. Written and partially directed by Joshua Logan, the film stars Fonda as Lt. Doug Roberts, chief cargo officer of the supply ship "Reluctant." WW2 is in its last few months, and Roberts is itching for combat duty. But the Reluctant's surly, despotic captain (James Cagney), anxious to use Roberts to expedite his own promotion, refuses to sign any of Roberts' transfer requests. Helping to brighten Mister Roberts' humdrum existence are his best friends, Ensign Frank Pulver (Jack Lemmon, in an Oscar-winning performance) and the ship's philosophical doctor (William Powell, in his final film appearance). Most of the laughs are provided by Pulver, officer "in charge of laundry and morale." When he isn't wheeling and dealing to bring a bevy of beautiful nurses on board the Reluctant, Pulver is concocting elaborate schemes to avenge himself against the Captain -- even though he's spent 14 months on the Reluctant without ever meeting his nemesis. The film's highlights include the efforts by Roberts, Pulver, and Doc to mix a bottle of Scotch from Coca-Cola, Iodine, and other vital ingredients; and Mister Roberts' (and later Ensign Pulver's) assertion of manhood by tossing the Captain's precious palm tree overboard. Halfway through shooting, legendary director John Ford was replaced, ostensibly because of illness, by Mervyn LeRoy. One of the finest service comedies ever made, Mister Roberts spawned a less amusing sequel, Ensign Pulver (1964), as well as a 1965 TV sitcom. Hal Erickson.

Harvey Brownstone conducts an in-depth Interview with Robert Hays, Renowned Actor, Producer & DirectorAbout Harvey's guest:Today's guest, Robert Hays, is a highly popular actor, producer and director who has brought us a number of iconic performances over the years in movies and on television.  He made his feature-film debut in the landmark 1980 comedy “Airplane!”, playing “Ted Striker”, the traumatized former pilot who must land the plane when the flight crew gets struck by food poisoning. Two years later, he reprised his role as “Ted Striker” in “Airplane II: The Sequel”. On television, we remember him as “Brad Benson” on “Angie”, and “Paul Forrester” – better known as “Starman” – on the TV series, “Starman”.  And of course, he was the voice of “Tony Stark” – better known as “Iron Man” - in THREE different TV series: “Iron Man”, “Spider-Man: The Animated Series” and in an episode in Season 1 of “The Incredible Hulk” called “Helping Hands, Iron Fist”. In addition to those shows, our guest has appeared in many great movies including “Take This Job and Shove It”, “Scandalous”, “Cat's Eye”, “Fifty/Fifty”, “Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey”, “Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco”, “Dr. T & the Women”, and “Alex in Wonder” and “Nicky's Birthday Camera”, both of which he also produced.  He's guest starred in dozens of TV shows including “Marcus Welby”, “The Blue Knight”, “Wonder Woman”, “Laverne & Shirley”, “Touched by an Angel”, “That '70s Show”, “Spin City” and many more. And he's starred in a whole slew of great TV movies including “The Initiation of Sarah”, “Mister Roberts”, “Murder by the Book”, “Running Against Time”, “Vanished”, “The Abduction”, “30 Years to Life”, and many more.For more interviews and podcasts go to: https://www.harveybrownstoneinterviews.com/To learn more about Robert Hays, go to:https://www.instagram.com/robert_hays7@harveybrownstone,#harveybrownstone,@harveybrownstoneinterviews,#harveybrownstoneinterviews,#RobertHays,@RobertHays,#robert_hays7,@robert_hays7,#Airplane!,#TedStriker,#AirplaneII,#Starman,#HomewardBound,#MarcusWelby,#TheBlueKnight,#WonderWoman,#Laverne&Shirley,#TouchedbyanAngel,#That70sShow,#SpinCityAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy