Podcasts about nowt

From the audio to the visual, we delve into the wondrous world of the album sleeve with Bill Smith, of Bill Smith Studios, responsible for some wonderful images in the 80s. 1. THE JAM (1977-1981) After getting his foot in the door at Polydor in the 70s, Bill has a breakthrough with The Jam. He is responsible for the artwork for all their albums up to and including Sound Affects as well as a number of single sleeves. More importantly, he has one shot at the iconic The Jam logo. RIP Rick. 2. THE CURE (1979-80)From mod to goth, Bill moves from the immediacy of The Jam to the more surreal, indie world of The Cure. Bill discusses working on their first three  LP's. One a bit of an outlier in their back catalogue,  the other more typical.But which household appliance WAS Robert Smith??3. GENESIS (1980-83)  Another contrast, this time the prog-rockers entering their 80s pop period with some truly iconic sleeves for Duke, Abacab and Genesis. Fortuitious accidentslead to the iconic Abacab sleeve. AI won't/can't do that shit.Discussion moves onto discussing copyright and who owns the rights to artwork; the artist or the designer. Then talk on the general LP artwork package; sleeve, back sleeve, inner sleeve, disc labels, etc ending on why he didn't do the cover to Invisible Touch.4. THOMAS DOLBY (1981-82)A very special collaboration with former guest, Thomas Dolby, leads to uniquely brilliant artwork for The Golden Age of Wireless and related singles.5. NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC (1983)Nowt more iconic in the UK than the Now series and Bill was there from Vol 1.billsmithstudios.com80sography@gmail.comTwitter @80sographyBlue Sky @80sographySend us a text

M: 6.5. E: 6.

What a victory that was! A victory for Somerset and a place in the One-Day Cup Final at Trent Bridge in September. But also a victory for cricket. We love this tournament and Sunday at Taunton brought out the very best in everyone. Not just the runs, the wickets, the tension. But also the supporters, the relationships, the harmony. Yes, the Leicestershire fans (who were brilliant) and players left disappointed. But a much wider battle was won. Days like these count, they really do. Naturally, this week's podcast focuses on that game. But we also touch on the England Lions before looking ahead to the County Championship's return. Yes, folks, it's back. Somerset head to Edgbaston on Thursday. Can they push for the title? (spoiler: yes). Joining Sam and Harry for the show was one of the best known voices in county cricket (and a massive Bears fan). Aaron Viles - AKA the Cricket Connoisseur - is the founder and host of the brilliant County Cricket podcast. What do you mean you haven't listened? No, but seriously, if you haven't, you really need to. Check out the show on Podbean, Apple Podcasts and all the usual spots. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Shootah's! Big insectoid jobbies with crappy tunnels and boggley laser eyed snek monsters. We're talking about Gemini Wing. Nowt to do with nonsense astrology either, just shootin' stuff right int' face! And how many Street Fighter characters can you think of in a minute? If it's less than 13, PITY THE FOOL! Does anyone fancy a bit of gout?  

We know, we know. It's been an embarrassingly long time, but we're back now. Shut up!In this, the last episode of the series, we look at something very close to our hearts and our new branding: brothers. So many good brothers: the Marxes, the Kemps, them Roman ones that drank off a wolf. Add to that list the brothers Deeney and we've got ourselves a podcast. We don't ask that you like us, we only demand that you love us unconditionally. Support the show

"Got what we deserved: absolutely nothing"The bulk of this episode is another Ian Street match diary, this time from the trip to Field Mill. Ian catches up with a few faithful listeners along the way, but there were few positives to take from the game. The episode also hears Ed check in with Craig from the Mansfield Matters podcast, and get their perspective on County's survival chances and on Graham Coughlan's time as manager.Gluttons for punishment that we are, we will be at next Saturday's game against table-topping Stockport, more in hope than expectation. Between now and then, we need you to do two things:Vote for us in the Football Supporters Association "club podcast of the year" award - voting closes on Monday, so act now!Buy your 1912 Exiles fridge magnet! Just send us £10 via our ko-fi page, DM us your address and we'll do the rest.As always, you can get in touch with the pod via Twitter, Facebook or LinkedIn. Our thanks as always to Tinty & The Bucket Hats for letting us use Discoland as our theme. And our thanks to you for listening to the pod!Support the show

Kit Calvert, one time saviour of Wensleydale Cheese, is introduced.   A description is given of the recordings of him held at the Dales Countryside Museum.  From the 1977 Trevor Sharpe tapes, we hear Kit Calvert tell how his use of dialect made the Queen Mother laugh.  And it is revealed how Wensleydale dialect propelled Wensleydale cheese onto the national stage, with the help of a Mr Capstick.  Published on Wed 1 November 2023.

We're back (sorry about the delay) for the penultimate episode of the series and what a ride it has been. This time the Brothers Deeney turn their hand to the wonderful world of weird animals. These aren't the one you'll see on a family crest (even though Deeney has a snake on its crest. Fact.). These are the animals you have to call a professional to get rid of. Ugly, slimy, spikey, and just generally minging, these are the creatures that make you challenge your faith and lock your doors. Oh, and Joe went to a sperm bank. What an episoide description!Support the show

Grandma we love you. And we really do. Pack your pyjamas in a bag, you're staying at your nanna's tonight. Grandmas are an amazing, often patronised group that pass on their invaluable wisdom for no fee other than a wrinkly kiss upon parting. Without grandmas we wouldn't be, and we're eternally grateful for that. Ignore the weird political beliefs and quaint insistance on things being done in a very particular way and you've got yourself the best people going. Coincidentally, Conal and Joe have EXACTLY the same grandparents. Weird. Sazzie doesn't. Support the show

What's scarier than being away for six weeks? Nothing, that's what. Yes, we're back and scarier than ever with a whole 50+ minutes dedicated to all the scariest stuff. Heights, spiders, confidend spaces, the number 13, and even spoons. It seems like there's a phobia for everything. One thing you shouldn't be afriad of though, is supporting us on Patreon. Link below and that xSupport the show

In this week's show we are honoured to be joined by Lauren and Mollie from the Nowt Worse podcast, we will find out what inspired them to start recording their daily gripes and share some of our own. As always, we will be sharing our picks of the latest news that caught our eye in the last week. You can find Nowt Worse at the following places: https://www.facebook.com/nowtworsepodcast/ https://www.instagram.com/nowtworsepodcast https://open.spotify.com/show/6buc2R3kdy3q4AZ0smKryk https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/nowt-worse/id1535659677 You can participate in our show live or alternatively catch up with any episodes you may have missed at the following locations: https://www.youtube.com/thisweekinmetropolis https://www.facebook.com/thisweekinmetropolis https://www.twitch.tv/thisweekinmetropolis Prefer listening to the show in your own time not a problem, the audio version of our show can be found at all your favourite streaming platforms including: Anchor: https://anchor.fm/thisweekinmetropolis Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2mHtNUXyuXCLUMJyOMbbtC Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/this-week-in-metropolis/id1459034807 Amazon: https://music.amazon.co.uk/podcasts/afaf70b6-b8cd-48bd-89ff-793d317aeb61/this-week-in-metropolis Join the conversation with us daily at the following places, don't forget to follow so you don't miss a thing. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thisweekinmetropolis/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/twimetropolis Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thisweekinmetropolis Love the show and want everyone to know about it? We have hoodies and T shirts that do just that, check them out here: https://this-week-in-metropolis-merch.creator-spring.com/ #Podcast #Geek #Yorkshire

Information about Rio: https://www.queermajority.com/about-the-editor-sub/about-the-editor-rv https://areomagazine.com/author/rioveradonir/ Bi Foundation: https://www.bisexuality.org/ Queer Majority: https://www.queermajority.com/ Bi.org: https://bi.org/en amBi: https://www.ambi.org/

This is the best one. Best film, best episode. Do you like your dialog hokey? How about your characters annoying? And your plot somehow predictable and a total mess? Well have we got a Christmas detour for you! Join us as we go on the magical journey of Paige, a wedding magazine writer and professional lunatic who travels across country with Dylan, a smug barman that swaggers about like he's Mr. Wetherspoon or something. But he does have a lovely smile. It's ace. Well, the boys think so. The girls actually fucking hate it. Support the show

Hellooooooo and welcome to the bonnie Highlands where the water flows like whiskey or something. Yeah, we're giving A Castle for Christmas both barrels in this episode. Joe and Sazzie liked it, Lizzy and Conal did not. What a gang of mates we are. I think we've all lost the ability to judge films correctly. It's better than Scarface.Support the show

We are a real American. Yeah, Hulk Hogan did an ill-advised Christmas film in 1996 and it's... well, you know the drill. It's nastier than the Nasty Boys; wackier than the Bushwackers; papper than Papa Shango. If you don't listen to this episode, you might accidentally watch it and then it's not our fault. We have warned you. I mean, this film really is so so so so shit. It's like a toss up between the Power Rangers and losing a beloved family pet. Support the show

Oh Dolly... Dolly Dolly Dolly. What's going on, mate? The Bridge is one of the best songs ever written. Christmas on the Square is utter utter dogshit. Seriously, this film is bad. So bad, Conal couldn't face the last six minutes of it. Listen to this podcast, but please, please don't watch this film. Replicate the experience by eating a poundshop advent calendar all at once, then being sick all over a VHS copy of It's a Wonderful LIfe. Support the show

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a man that works so hard selling mattresses or something that he forgets he has a kid that's Anakin Skywalker and is strongarmed by Tom Hanks's wife to find the hottest toy on the market on Christmas Eve. Should be the recipe for some side-splitting Christmas hijinx, no? No. It isn't. It's really bad. I mean, this film has the blackest heart. Conal and Joe are joined by their Christmas elves Sazzie Kluvitse and Lizzy Dening in providing unparralleled Christmas content for all the family (contains high-end swearing). Support the show

Grab a brew and tune into the first episode of our newest segment, 'Nowt Better', where we discuss the things that we love. 

Beyond the rubble we can see the lesser-hair Northerner. One of the slower members of the hominid family, but nonetheless, quite remarkable. If you don't like David Attenborough, that's not David Attenborough's fault. Here we take a dive into the unpolluted pool that is the national treasure himself, the king of the jungle, it's Richard Attenborough's baby brother, David. If you like him too, let us know on show@bookofnowt.comSupport the show

 Book of Nowt, Book of Nowt, riding through the glen. Book of Nowt, Book of Nowt with two ageing men. Steal from the rich, the Patreon route. Book of Nowt, Book of Nowt, Book of Nowt.Welcome Merrie Men to the Sherwood Forest of the podosphere where we search for the legend that is the Robin Hood myth. Its origins are shrouded in mystery, but it has become one of the most loved folk tales in the world with actors from Taron Egerton to Rik Mayall donning the Lincoln green and yomping around the woods like a flat-footed Englishman. Maid Sazzie has been a bit poorly, so we're a twosome for the while. But stay tuned and she'll be back in no time. Support the show

Alrite cowardly argonauts, take a bite our of this MASSIVE podcast sandwaich. Scooby Doo is a much-loved and much-notverygood cartoon from ages ago that's still limping along to this day. It's got Scooby, a big dog that is too motivated by food and isn't funny; Shaggy, a pot head deadbeat that isn't funny; Velma, a smug nerd that isn't funny; Daphne, air-head, trophy-wife, eye-candy that isn't-funny; and Fred who isn't funny at all. Conal's done his back in and Joe sings a lot. Happy Halloween xSupport the show

For the first time, the Brothers Deeney can speak on a topic with some authority!Accepting baldness is a depressing but also life-affirming part of anyone's life, but the Joe, Conal, and to a lesser degree Sazzie (aka the best afro in South London) are here to give you the guidance necessary to live the fullest life looking a bit daft. We cover baldness much like fine hair covers a head: thinly and unconvincingly.Support the show

Up next, we have Joe and Conal singing "The Book of Nowt". Karaoke, the fear-inducing, king-making, night-ruining silliness from Japan that we all secretly enormously love. Starting back in 1971, karaoke is now a national pastime and the great equaliser on a night out. We appreciate you all  and want nothing but the best for you and your family's future. Support the show

Diane! Twin Peaks. The weirdest, sexiest, funniest, shittest, brilliantest show that's ever been. If you know the program, you should listen to the boys discussing it. If you haven't, you should still listen but you should maybe tell all your friends too. Give yourself a present and listen to our wonderful podcast with a donut and a cup of coffee. Black as midnight on a moonless night. The owls are not what they seem.Support the show

Drunk for a penny, dead drunk for tuppence!The early 18th century brought a pandemic of addiction amongst the putrid streets of old London Town. William of Orange had become king from the Netherlands and brought with him enough gin to intoxicate a nation. And drunk London was for fifty years! The Brothers Deeney get under the skin on this bizarre stretch of British history, whilst Sazzie comes along and we talk about other middle class stuff. Support the show

"I can smile and murder whiles I smile."Another jolly episode of the Book of Nowt, coming at you from a maximum security prison. Two lads lay on the comedy whilst tragedy is all around them. Murder is a horrid thing, but a horrid thing that people seem to absolutely love. Weirdly. Come and join our true crime society whilst we discuss murderers' nicknames, ideal murder weapons, and an incident with a squirrel. Support the show

In this episode, we discuss Brett's unusual path to IT. He discusses how his contributions to the community have changed over the years. We discuss the similarities in problem-solving between daily tasks and coding. Jordan learns that listing yak shaving in Twitter bios is not a secret language between the PowerShell community but is a common expression. Last, we discussed his trip to South Hampton to attend a PowerShell user group, where he was able to catch up with several people from the PowerShell community.    Guest Bio and links: Brett Miller is a cloud platform engineer and Microsoft MVP, using PowerShell and related technologies on the regular. You can find him regularly speaking at user groups like the Southampton PowerShell User Group, blogging on his website, on Twitter, and more.  https://millerb.co.uk/  https://github.com/brettmillerb  https://twitter.com/BrettMiller_IT  https://github.com/brettmillerb/PSTwitch  https://github.com/indented-automation/Indented.Net.IP  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsESEh9M1eY  https://github.com/SeeminglyScience/EditorServicesCommandSuite  See the podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaErbstVKAQ

We. Are. Back. After three long weeks (so long they were about ten actual weeks), the Brothers Deeney return to the podosphere to chew the fat on the hot-potch majesty that is the English Language. We cover everything from spelling reform, to language history, to favourite words, to Conal not liking asking people how they are, to even inventing our own new words. Sazzie is back to in a new(ish) feature that is well better than the quiz. And remember, give us five stars on Apple Podcasts please. Support the show

Energy saving tips roll in ahead of a coming bill tsunami – what cost of living omens await this week? Chancellor Nadhim Zahawi has warned middle earners will struggle with payments, and broke with colleagues by suggesting that people limit their usage. Plus, the latest from Ukraine, amid a counter-offensive in the Kherson region. And, back home, further strikes are due to be held. Justin Quirk and Yasmeen Serhan discuss the week ahead. "It feels like there hasn't really been much of a Government the last few weeks.” – Yasmeen Serhan  "You put people in this precarious position where they ask, ‘Am I going to heat my flat or put it towards other groceries?'” – Yasmeen Serhan  “Boris Johnson made a point wanting to stay on, but in that time it hasn't felt like he's wanted to lead.” – Yasmeen Serhan “If you're going to have a leadership contest this long, you need to have plans in place so government continues.” – Yasmeen Serhan https://www.patreon.com/bunkercast Presented by Justin Quirk with Yasmeen Serhan. Producers: Jacob Archbold, Jelena Sofronijevic and Alex Rees. Assistant Producer: Kasia Tomasiewicz. Music by Kenny Dickinson. Audio production: Jade Bailey. Lead Producer: Jacob Jarvis. Group Editor: Andrew Harrison. THE BUNKER is a Podmasters Production Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 5 FANSHAW    Lem!  Everyone's gathering!  It looks a bit of a party. LEM    What's them Swedes a-doin? FANSHAW    They're standing by.  Like a menacing wall of blonde. LEM    [laugh, then coughs] FANSHAW    Are you quite sure you're up for this?  The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse. LEM    Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there? MRS. DOC    [behind door] You all right in there?  May I come in? LEM    [up] Yes ma'am.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE ENTERS LEM    Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers. MRS. DOC    That sounds wise.  You've already done wonders.  But I have a favor--? LEM    Anythin' ma'am. MRS. DOC    [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh-- LEM    Go on? MRS. DOC    To fix my window, there?  They are the ones that broke it. LEM    I already planned on jest that, ma'am.  Donchoo worry. MRS. DOC    Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel. LEM    Oh, no ma'am.  Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit] MRS. DOC    Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out.  They can just hold their hosses. FANSHAW    I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE FANSHAW    [sigh] Still out of sight.  Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady. EZRA    Are they gonna fight? FANSHAW    [definite] No.  My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks.  EZRA    It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it? FANSHAW    No.  Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we?  EZRA    Is that the lady, in the cart?  With the big hat and veil? FANSHAW    I would assume so.  A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities. EZRA    Why'ud a lady wear a veil?  Is she really ugly? FANSHAW    I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun. EZRA    Ain't much sun under all these trees. FANSHAW    And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage.  No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see.  [pause]  I need to let Lem know what all is going on.  I'll be back shortly. SOUND    SHOUTS FANSHAW    What? EZRA    Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight! FANSHAW    They weren't supposed to!  Blast!  That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart! MRS. BEAMISH    [screams]  Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine! FANSHAW    Not much of a lady.  And nothing much we can do here. EZRA    Oh, lookee!  That feller got punched right off the cart! SOUND    GRUNTS FANSHAW    I need to go and tell Lem.  Would you stay with them and see where they go? EZRA    [eager] That would help ya? FANSHAW    It would be very helpful. EZRA    I'm your man.  [distracted] Oh goodness!  That fellow slammed into the tree!  That's gotta smart something fierce!     FADE LEM    They here yet? DOC    No.  It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet. FANSHAW    Lem!  Ambush! LEM    [quiet] Aw hell. DOC    What? LEM    [sigh, considering best way to say]  I think I ...heard something. DOC    [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts.  The way you keep hearing things. LEM    [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range.  Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get. DOC    I reckon so. LEM    And with the window broken, sound can get in more. DOC    What is it you heard? LEM    Fighting.  Or leastways a yell.  Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind. DOC    You think there's still trouble? LEM    I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon. DOC    Dag nabbit. SOUND    STORMS OUT OF ROOM FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SOMEONE RUNS UP OLY    Vad är det? [What is it?] KJELL    [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!] OLY    [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?] KJELL    [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka.  [We ... took the woman back.] SVEN    Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för!  [Good!  Now we have what we paid for!] OLY    Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot!  Now there will be war!]     FADE FITCH    What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?] SCABBY BILL    'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout.  The lads--] PIKEY    Clack on't devil!  Eyup Jimmy!   [speak of the devil.]  SOUND    RUNNING FEET JAMES    [gasping and in some pain]  Eyup!  Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked!  Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!] FINCH    Good night!  Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn!  Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.] JAMES    Canna settle now!  Yon 'eads want thumpin'!  Paid in full.  [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads!  They deserve it!] FINCH    Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good] PIKEY    [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad.  Tha path's neither nowt nor summat.  Time fer muckin out.  Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them.  [no, lad.  Your way is doing no good.  Time to clean this up.  There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.] SCABBY BILL    Tha's the pot!  Us'm tek'er first!  [You're one to talk!  We took her first] PIKEY    [making his point]  S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.] MINERS    [mutters]  "s'truth."  "Ba gum."  "It gets right up ma cuff."  "'Arsh, that."  "Toes up o'er grub?  Nae!" JAMES    Us'll clean them clocks!  [we won't lose!] PIKEY    Ne'er seen clock tha could clean. DOC    [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN! ALL GO QUIET DOC    Bother.  That's about all I got.     FADE LEM    This's how wars get lit. FANSHAW    Who is this woman anyway?  Helen of Troy? LEM    Was she on the stage or sumpin? FANSHAW    [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun. LEM    Ain't no war great and glorious.  Not till everyone as been there's long dead. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    How'd they end that war? FANSHAW    [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse. LEM    [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us.  [groans, getting up] SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHES, ETC. FANSHAW    Don't--! LEM    Ain't no choice here.  Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me.  Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch. SOUND    DOOR OPENS FANSHAW    Speak of the devil! DOC    Here now!  What are you doing, Mister roberts? LEM    I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once.  DOC    You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening? LEM    I gotta right good guess.  Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her.  DOC    I think so. LEM    Hitch up the cart.  We're gonna mosey to the logging camp.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE LARS    [commanding] Du! Kock! [You!  "cook"] MRS. BEAMISH    [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead! LARS    Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld.  [you came here to cook for us.  You owe a debt.]  MRS. BEAMISH    Gah-on.  Say somfing in normal talk.  Ah dare ya. LARS    [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?] ARN    Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.] FREDEK    Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.] NELS    Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire. EZRA    Why's that, Mr. Nels? NELS    You!  Can you do something? EZRA    What should I do? NELS    Get that woman over here.  The one that was calling out. EZRA    Who?  Oh!  [laughs] That's no woman!  That's Mr. Fanshaw. NELS    Well, he sounds like one to me.  Is there anything he can do?     FADE DOC    Brought the wagon round.  Come on then, lemme give you a hand. LEM    You kin carry my kit, if you would. DOC    You need support-- LEM    [definite] No.  Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can.  And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that. DOC    I'll be right behind you, then.  Just in case. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS MRS. DOC    [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give. DOC    Irene? MRS. DOC     Not from you, dear.  Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir? DOC    Irene! MRS. DOC    I've already got my hat on, husband.  We might as well get moving. DOC    What exactly do you think you are doing, woman? MRS. DOC    [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride. LEM    [tries not to laugh] DOC    I forbid it! MRS. DOC    [sweetly]  Oh, of course, dear!  If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add.  Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten-- DOC    [losing steam] Oh hush!!  LEM    The lady has a point, doc.  Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us. MRS. DOC    Good.  Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake!  You're swaying like a sapling.     FADE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  [laughs]  Nels says you sound like a lady. FANSHAW    It is just my accent.  The way I talk.  EZRA    You do talk funny. FANSHAW    Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce? EZRA    What is that? FANSHAW    When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag. EZRA    Where do they get a white flag? FANSHAW    They just make one.  Please.  It is important that we know.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SCUFFLE MINERS    [Arguing]  "More brass'n brains"  "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans"  "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I." SWEDES    [arguing] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS LEM    [sigh]  Shut up! SOUND    STILL FIGHTING LEM     Pardon me ma'am.  Step aside if you please. SOUND    HER STEPS SOUND    GUNSHOT ALL    [go quiet] SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 6 1_MOVING OUT LEM    You miners.  You... uh... manskers.  Um.  [slowly, with gestures]  We go in cart to your-- OLY    Mig? LEM    Yes, your camp.  You lead us.  SCABBY BILL    [slightly out of breath] Right.  Nowt wait aught mair.  Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt. LEM    We's all a-goin.  [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am. MRS. DOC    [a bit shaky]  All right.  DOC    [quiet]  Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad. LEM    They's all still on their feet. OLY    [slowly, trying to be understood]  detta var inte min idé.  Inte jag.  Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea.  Not me.  I will speak sternly to them.] LEM    You lead.  [turns to Scabby Bill]  You follow.  Reckon? SCABBY BILL    Reckon.  FADE 2_GRADY1 SOUND    SOMEONE RUNNING IN PANIC GRADY    [gasping muttered mantra]  Don't slow down, don't slow down.  A log!  Oh sweet Jesus! SOUND    THUMP, SCRAMBLE, SLOW MOVEMENT SOUND    BEHIND HIM, MEN MAN1    Keep heading downhill! MAN2    Brush too thick over there!  This way! GRADY    [barely there prayer] Pity me!  [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion] SOUND    RUNNING AGAIN FADE 3_AGREEING SOUND    CART PLODDING DOC    [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene.  MRS. DOC    I cannot disagree. DOC    You should never've - what? MRS. DOC     [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband. LEM    [quiet chuckle] DOC    [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs]  My mother always said you would be a handful. MRS. DOC    I believe mine said something very similar. DOC    About me? MRS. DOC    [laughing] No, about me. LEM    If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller. DOC    I cannot disagree. LEM    Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am. ALL    [laugh]     FADE 4_LOGGING CAMP FREDEK    Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!] LARS    Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!] FREDEK    Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!] ARN    Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.] LARS    Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.] ARN    Han ser arg. [He looks angry.] FREDEK    De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.] NELS    Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble. OLY    [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you!  Stand aside!] NELS    And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down. LARS    [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?] OLY    [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot!  We were in accord.  Then you interfered!  You stand aside!] FADE 5_CHUCKIE JAMES    Tha gormless bastard!  Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot.  Even with the guns, we could win.] PIKEY    And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing.  Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother.  What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?] TED    [sigh]  And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere.  [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.] FITCH    I dinna feel fer the fight.  Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure.  [I don't feel like fighting.  That fellow - he seems fair.] PIKEY    Cud gang fer a slurp missen.  [This would be a good time for a drink.] FADE 6_GRADY2 SOUND    RUNNING MAN1 and MAN2    [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!"  "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"] GRADY    [gasping and ragged]  Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river.  Anything.  [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away... FADE 7_CART SOUND    HORSES.  CART NOT MOVING. DOC    [whispered]  Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart.  MRS. DOC    As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband. DOC    [rueful laugh] Hah.  Good. SOUND    HE CLIMBS DOWN MRS. DOC    I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun. DOC    The what? LEM    I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am. MRS. DOC    Happy to be useful.  [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace. FADE 8_OLY KOMMER FREDEK    Oly! De kommer! [Oly!  They are coming!] OLY    Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid.  They are already here.] FREDEK    Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men!  Behind the ridge!] NELS    Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men.  EZRA    More fighting? FANSHAW    And this must be Nels. NELS    And you must be from England. FANSHAW    Why, yes.  Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there. NELS    Nay.  You sound like most Britishers. FANSHAW    I suppose I do. NELS    Just like a woman. FANSHAW    I do not! EZRA    You do a bit. FANSHAW    [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men? NELS    Sure, over the ridge.  Quite a ways off.  I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot. FANSHAW    We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw? NELS    All of my men are here.  Even those with a head full of porridge. FANSHAW    That's a blessing anyway. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw! FANSHAW    I am so sorry, Ezra.  I was lost in thought.  EZRA    You want I should go and look at the men a-coming? FANSHAW    They sound like they're rather far off. EZRA    I can go real far off. FANSHAW    [interested] Really.  Very well.  You'll go and see how many there are? EZRA    I'll find out everything for ya. FANSHAW    I wonder just how far "real far" is. FADE 9_teh dam SOUND    CROWD RUMBLE, BUT NO TALKING SOUND    LEM'S SLOW FOOTSTEPS LEM    Um, [to Oly] Dam? OLY    Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!] LARS    [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help] OLY    Go! [Go!] NELS    If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words? FANSHAW    Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late. NELS    Ya. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LARS AND MRS. BEAMISH COME OUT FANSHAW    This?  This is the woman all the trouble has been over?  She's ...hardly what I expected. LEM    Ma'am.  They's been quite a ruckus over you. BEAMISH    Oh, Luvly.  Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English. LEM    I guess I speak American, then.  But I hazard you understand me fine. BEAMISH    [begrudging] I kin mike yer out. LEM    That's good.  Now these fellers, they have some claim to you? NELS    Sure, she owes us five years service. BEAMISH    [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do. LEM    Five years.  Legal. BEAMISH    [annoyed sigh] Aye. DOC    [whispered] How'd you get that? LEM    [whispered] Guessed.  Standard indenture. DOC    Ah! BEAMISH    [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em! FANSHAW    I say, Nels, you paid for that?  Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old. NELS    What do you expect in a cook?  Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat. FANSHAW    A cook!  Good gad! LEM    But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to? BEAMISH    Good plain cooking.  Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold. DOC    Cooking?  They're willing to fight over a cook? LEM    I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch.  DOC    Well... MRS. DOC    [calling from off, excited] Husband? LEM    Go on. DOC    [walking off] Yes, dear? FADE 10_grady hides SOUND    MEN SLOWLY SEARCHING SOUND    BREATHING, IN A TIGHT SPACE GRADY    [trying to quiet his breathing] EZRA    That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella.  You must be a bad man. GRADY    [whispered]  Someone up there, please help me! MAN1    I think I heard something! FADE 11_shares LEM    [whispered, to fanshaw]  Ask Nels the word for "share". FANSHAW    You're thinking to split the baby again. LEM    Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple. DOC    Lem?  We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss. LEM    Do tell. DOC    Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it? BEAMISH    Beamish.  Aye. DOC    My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us. BEAMISH    Where's 'at, then? DOC    Our house.  It's rather in the middle of all this.  BEAMISH    Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse.  Not them shanties. DOC    [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all]  You stay our house-- SOUND    [rumble of muttering on both sides] DOC    Cook.  Cook a lot. BEAMISH      I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick. DOC    They are the ones who need to agree. BEAMISH    Go'ahn then. DOC    [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You.  Eat. LEM    [quiet] Eat?  Nels? NELS    [Eat] ata LEM    Thankee.  [up, to doc] "ata" DOC    Oh?  All right.  You.  Come to house.  "ata". LARS    [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.] NELS    Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either.  He has a wife to cook for him. OLY    Nej, säger han vi äter, också.  Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also.  I think.] FANSHAW    No, no.  He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace.  No more fighting. NELS    Tell them ["You eat too"]  du äter för. FANSHAW    Lem?  Did you-- LEM    Doo ah-ter fore. OLY    Ya.  Mycket bra. [Yes. very good] LEM    And you all? PIKEY    Nae more tae eat bab out Bill?  [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest.  [No more eating the shit Bill cooks?  I don't care where she stays.] TED    'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!] JAMES    Eh, by gum. SCABBY BILL    Ere, now! PIKEY    Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt.  [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.] LEM    Good.  DOC    Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even-- SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    Damn! ALL    [reactions!  Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!" EZRA    Mister Fanshaw?  I think they's heading this way.     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 7 MUSIC SCENE 1.    AMB    OUTSIDE LEM    [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n. DOC    But I can help-- LEM    [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety.  If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT MRS. DOC    [off, a bit worried] Husband? LEM    Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk.  We got some rough work ahead of us. MRS. BEAMISH    Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place. SOUND    SHE WALKS TO WAGON DOC    [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us. LEM    And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles]  I'll stay still as I can.  But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other.  Go on now.  [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack?  I might find myself in need of a few more shells. MRS. DOC    Here you go.  [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear?  My husband put a lot of work into you. DOC    [amused but still worried]  You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be. LEM    I reckon I do. DOC     [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun. LEM    Preciate it. SOUND    DOC WALKS OFF SCENE 2.    LEM    [slight groan]  Quickly - You, Bill.  You, Oly. SCABBY BILL    Right. OLY    Ja? SOUND    SCRATCHING IN THE DIRT LEM    [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things]  Sun.  There.  Hill. There.  Ja? OLY    Ja.  Bäck. Ge. [stream.  Give.] LEM    Take it. SOUND    MORE SCRATCHING SCABBY BILL    Thass river? OLY    Bäck. [stream] LEM    Close enough I think.  Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside?  They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin. SCABBY BILL    Us'm? LEM    Course, it ain't yer fight, but-- SCABBY BILL    Nay problem, lad.  Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook.  [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy. LEM    All righty then, sounds like yer all in.  Go on.  Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em.  SCABBY BILL    Why them tea party manners? LEM    In case they ain't the villians here. SCABBY BILL    Ah.  Right.  We're bahn. SOUND    WALKS OFF SCABBY BILL    [off, calling] Ayup lads!  There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn! LEM    Now for the tricky one. OLY    Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way.  Around the other side.  And attack from ambush?] NELS    He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well? LEM    [startled laugh]  Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet. OLY    vad är det?  [What is that?] LEM    Later. After dust settles. NELS    Tell him "senare" [Later] LEM    Senare OLY    Ja.  Bakhåll?  Ja?  [Ambush] NELS    [translating] Attack from behind. LEM    Ya.  Go on. OLY    [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men!  Time to beat some heads!] LEM    [heavy sigh, slight groan] FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [quiet]  I'm alright.  I'm alright.  Just tuckered out.  Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints.  Think this will end it once and fer all. FANSHAW    I certainly hope so.  LONG MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    NIGHT, CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet.  Then we heard them.  Arn hid behind a tree.  Lars was beneath a fallen log.] ARN    Hah!  Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah!  Good to be short, eh, Lars?] LARS    Bah! SWEDES     [general laughter] OLY    Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra.  Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming!  A tall one in a hat and two others.  Ugly.  Cruel looking.  They move slowly, looking for something--] MUSIC WIPE ACROSS THE SOUNDSCAPE SCENE 4.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SCABBY BILL    Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee.  PIKEY    [bragging]  Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest.  Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest.  And no one ever looks up] SCABBY BILL    Aye, lad.  Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that.  No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.] MINERS    [general laughter] PIKEY    [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay.  Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!] MINERS    [more laughter] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 5.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree.  I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.] ARN    Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!] SWEDES    [general laughter] OLY    Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me.  Then pointed past the men.  Then he raised two hands of fingers.  Many men were coming!] FANSHAW    It sounds like a fascinating story.  I wish I could understand a word of it. NELS    He was saying that the noisy fellow-- FANSHAW    Aren't they all rather noisy? NELS    [laughs]  THAT one - got above.  High up.  Counted the men coming behind.  Showed him fingers for the count. FANSHAW    Accord without a single word.  Lovely. MUSIC WIPE SCENE 6.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT FITCH    Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh!  Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow.  I think he's been alone too long.] SOUND    SLIGHT SCUFFLE - FRIENDLY SMACK PIKEY    Dinna fash.  Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad.  Smack afore yows and kine.  Past that, mayhaps Swede.  Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise]  [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows.  I have never been fond of blondes.]  FITCH    [teasing] Ooh-ah.  Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack.   [Bathe.  Then we'll talk.] MINERS    [general laughter] SCABBY BILL    Right.  'oo's keeping a tally?  [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right.  Someone make a list of things we need for the camp.  Start with some loose women.] MINERS    [hysterical laughter] MUSIC SCENE 7.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking.  Maybe for a person.  Maybe for an animal.  Something that could hide itself.  We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.] LARS    Jag var längst.  När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt.  [hit noise] [I was furthest.  When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.] SWEDES    [approving mumble] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 8.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SOUND    WAGON SLOWLY MOVING IN FROM A DISTANCE PIKEY    Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind.  I knew we'd never want to lag behind.] SCABBY BILL    No.  So... Pikey made t' shrill-- SOUND    SHARP WHISTLE SCABBY BILL    [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug!  [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear!  And we attacked] FITCH    Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side!  And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale.  [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left.  They broke like lose rock.] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 9.    AMB    LEFT CAMPFIRE OLY    Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell.  Struck down by our brave hands.  Or our friends' hands.  [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD! SCABBY BILL    [off] I hears that!  [yelling back] Ayup lads?  ALL GOOD! SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud] ALL GOOD! DOC    [off] Ho there!  Sounds like it's safe to approach? MUSIC SCENE 10.    AMB    INSIDE SOUND    [OUTSIDE] THE MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [rousing from half sleep]  Yup?  Sounds like peace at last. FANSHAW    And the doctor just arrived.  [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely- LEM    Biscuits?  [chuckles] FANSHAW    [chuckles too]  He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure.  [beat]  The men - both factions - were rather impressive.  Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well. LEM    Who was it they's up against? FANSHAW    Looks like outlaws.  Chasing a fugitive. LEM    And the feller they'us after? FANSHAW    [sigh]  He was already ... done for.  Gone. LEM    [sigh]  The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now. DOC    [outside]  Mister Roberts? LEM    [a bit weaker] In here! LONG MUSIC SCENE 11.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE DOC    I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts.  MRS. DOC    [from off]  Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither. LEM    I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth. DOC    Good. MUSIC SCENE 12.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE LEM    Alone? FANSHAW    They're all in the kitchen, yes.  From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement.  They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse.  Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of.  The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes. LEM    Cain't say that I blame her.  Catch me up a bit? FANSHAW    They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals.  They've all become the best of chums.  And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit. LEM    One more victory for-- FANSHAW    Civilization? LEM    [down]  I was gonna say salvation.  Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here. FANSHAW    I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of. LEM    Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own. FANSHAW    Well.  When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws. LEM    Where ARE they, anyway? FANSHAW    Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing.  Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days. LEM    Mm.  Good. FANSHAW    But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach.  It's very frustrating.  Ezra, though... LEM    Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about?  How come I ain't seen him, never? FANSHAW    I don't know.  He's a child.  A spirit.  Who prefers to think of himself an angel.  I rather think he's been here quite a long time.  And Lem... LEM    Yup? FANSHAW    I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on.  But there's this--- LEM    Spit it out and let's see what color it is. FANSHAW    Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley.  That is rather a long distance.  He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by.  I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why.  Before I help him find his way onward. LEM    Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?    

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 1 (from end of previous story) SOUND FADES IN AND OUT [Lem has been shot] COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    [to Lem] Bite down on this.  [slightly off, urgent, but not loud] He's lost a lot of blood! FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT MRS. DOC    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  [groan]  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Cain't leave you to do everythin.   Scotty? FANSHAW    When they returned with his body, I saw no sign of him. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    I sincerely hope so.  [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got sumpin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    [shock] So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    [straining to get up] Oh hell.  Where's my britches? FANSHAW    Before you do yourself some harm trying to get up, I'll gather up my shame and go have a look. LEM    [lies back with a groan] SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    ANOTHER GUNSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Oh!  You are awake.  I thought I heard your voice! LEM    I was just thinking out loud, ma'am - uh - you don't seem real worried?  About the gunshots? MRS. DOC    [unconcerned] Oh, that.  My husband just had to run off a couple of unwanted patients. LEM    [baffled] Ma'am? MRS. DOC    Oh, my stars!  You won't even remember!  You were shot, and back in town, you were throwing five fits and comin all over feverish, so Mister Brand, that's my husband - [pride] Doctor Brand, that is - he brought you out here with us. LEM    Out... here? MRS. DOC    Doctor Brand is the only medical man for three counties!  Leastways, the only one that doctors people.  So we get around time to time, and much as he didn't want to move you, he also didn't want to leave you in anyone else's care, poorly as you were.  So we brought you along, and the move seems to have done you right good.  You slept peaceful ever since we got here. LEM    Ah.  You help me to remember to thank him for his concern, would you, ma'am? MRS. DOC    [beaming] I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to hear that you're able to thank him. LEM    And the gunshots--? MRS. DOC    [rueful] Well, you see, the local fellows are having an ..."altercation", and Doctor Brand has refused to aid either side, even if they're near dying, until they patch it up. LEM    Altercation? MRS. DOC    I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself.  You don't need any such concern right now.  What you do need is a good solid cup of broth, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. LEM    You're too kind. SOUND    SHE BUSTLES OUT, DOOR SHUTS LEM    [sigh]  Yeah? FANSAW    The good lady is correct.  You really don't need this concern right now. LEM    [annoyed] It'll fret me more knowin there's sumpin to be concerned about and not bein told what it tis. FANSAW    [slight chuckle] It will, won't it?  Very well, but you lie back down while I regale you.  LEM    [grunt, pause] Right, then.  Go on with the regalin'. FANSAW    Two men had a third, bleeding from a head wound, but ambulatory - um, up and walking.  They were yelling at the doctor, but I couldn't make out anything.  They didn't seem to be speaking-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Here you go.  Been reducing for three days - that'll put some strength back into you. LEM    Smells right fine.  But that's an awful small cup, ma'am, if you don't mind me sayin, for a pow'rful hunger like I got. MRS. DOC    [tsks] First we see if you can keep it down, Mister... [uncertain] oh.... LEM    Roberts. MRS. DOC    Roberts. Of course. I'm such a scatterbrain. LEM    Cain't take offense til we're properly introduced, nohow, ma'am.  MRS. DOC    You're too kind.  DOC    [calling, off] Irene?  Missus? MRS. DOC    Ah, looks like the doctor's got everything handled.  FANSHAW    The gunshots were all on the doctor's side, I might add. MRS. DOC    [up, sweetly] I'm in the back bedroom!  [back to Lem] Now you sip a bit, if it's not yet too hot. LEM    [sips] Mm.  A mite.  But I can use some warming. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS COME IN DOC    Ah!  Well, this is just the sort of good news I needed.  [to wife] I've been having more trouble with those fellows. MRS. DOC    They don't mean no harm! DOC    To us, no.  To each other, though...! LEM    What's this trouble yer havin', doc? DOC    Nothing you need worry on.  Not yet, leastways. LEM    But I can-- DOC    Tomorrow.  If you're still improving, I'll tell you everything over breakfast.  For now, you need yer rest. LEM    Can we speak, man to man, sir? MRS. DOC    Goodness, I think I'd best go and check on the biscuits. DOC    You do that. SOUND    SHE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS DOC    She does make some fair biscuits.  [teasing] And she doesn't listen in. FANSHAW    Should I leave? LEM    No.  [smooth] I reckon a doctor's wife should oughtta be used to checking on her biscuits. DOC    [laughs]  You seem to be doing pretty well, for a man shot and come through fever.  That's excellent.  You keep on with that broth, though.  Ain't out of the woods jest yet. LEM    It's the fever I wanna ask about.  Your good wife let slip that I was a mite... FANSHAW    Garralous? LEM    hmph.  ...rambly? DOC    You kept going on about hearing folks talking to you, even in an empty room.  LEM    "Folks."  Ah. DOC    Funny thing is, you even named them from time to time, and I swear not a one of them was someone who coulda been there. LEM    [careful] Whyzzat? DOC    The one or two I recognized your naming of - well, they're ... "passed on". LEM    I - I musta heard the names somewhere. DOC    Can I speak frankly with you, sir?  And you let me know if this is the least bit upsetting to your digestion, you hear? LEM    Ayup. DOC    Well, then.  I'm purt near sure I know why you were calling out to dead folks. LEM    You...do? DOC    Seen it before - more'n once, even. FANSHAW    Really? DOC    You ain't alone, son.  LEM    [unsure] I'm... not? DOC    Many's the fellow standing at death's door - and you were right close there for a while - that hears spirits try and call him through. LEM    Ahhh. FANSHAW    Really, they were being rather annoying. LEM    [slight snort] Did I ... say anything that might be important? DOC    I didn't hear, but I can ask my wife.  She sat in the wagon with you when we made the trip - she told you we'd moved you? LEM    She mentioned that you didn't feel right leaving me behind. DOC    The trip seems to have done you good, too.  Fever broke while we were on route.  Quieted you right down. FANSHAW    And there are less spirits here than in town.  At least not around the house.  None to harass you. LEM    And where are we now, then? DOC    I should really call a halt to all this inquiry, and let you sleep. LEM    I promise I won't ask one more thing, if'n you'll kindly tell me where I am. DOC    We're ten miles and a county line away from where we were.  Near the town of Silt Creek.  LEM    Miners? DOC    [smiling] Now now, you promised no more questions.  Can you finish the last of that? LEM    [slurps the broth down] DOC    Good.  If you're still awake in an hour, I'll see that you get some more.  But do try and sleep. SOUND    LEAVES THE ROOM FANSHAW    They seem a nice couple. LEM    Tell me more about what was going on out there. FANSHAW    Lem, You're hardly in any condition-- LEM    I'm gonna be gettin enough coddlin from the likes of them.  Stop actin like an old woman and-- FANSHAW    Very well.  When I went out there, the three men were standing on the road leading up to the house.  The doctor had a shotgun aimed at them.  They were saying something, but I couldn't make it out-- LEM    Were they strapped? FANSHAW    I saw no guns, but they-- SOUND    TAP, SCRATCH AT THE WINDOW FANSHAW    I'll see.  [pause] I'm not certain, but I think it's one of them! LEM    [hushed] How many out there? FANSHAW    Two.  They're trying to get the window open! SOUND    CREAK, RUSTLE OF BEDCLOTHES LEM    [groan as he gets up] Where the devil are my guns? END   EPISODE 2 SOUND    FABRIC BEING SHOVED AROUND LEM    [quiet] Dammit! FANSHAW    Lem, they are trying to leever open the window.  If there ever was a time to call for the doctor and his shotgun, this would be it! LEM    I don't-- SOUND    CREAK, CRACK OF WOOD LEM    Ah hell.  [up] Doc!  Bring your gun!  Doc? SOUND    SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS OUTSIDE SOUND    GLASS BREAKS OLY    [You got it?] [du fick den?] SVEN    [I got it.  Quick, get inside!]  [Jag har det. Snabbt, gå in.] LEM    What the hell kinda talk is that? FANSHAW    Something Nordic, perhaps?  I am hardly an expert! LEM    And where's the Doc? FANSHAW    That I can check on. SOUND    THUMP AS MAN CLAMBERS INTO THE ROOM LEM    Stop right there! OLY    [keep quiet and do not move!] [hålla tyst och inte röra mig!] SVEN    [outside] [is everything all right?] [Är allt okej?] OLY    [Someone is in here.  I can handle it.] [Någon här inne. Jag kan hantera det.] MRS. DOC    [off - scream, more surprise than fear/pain] LEM    Dammit!  Where's my blasted guns? OLY    [Hold your tongue!] [håll din tunga] SOUND    FANSHAW COMES IN FANSHAW     [agitated] Lem, they have broken in from the front as well, and are holding the lady.  The Doctor has given up his weapon. OLY    [barks orders to those outside] [go around front.  Leave Borr and Fredek to watch.] [går runt framsidan. Lämna Borr och Fredek att titta på.] LEM    [side of mouth]  What they threatenin' to do? FANSHAW    I don't know... but I don't think they do either. OLY    [shut up!]  [Håll käften!] FANSHAW    He's gesturing for you to remain quiet.  If necessary, it's one rap for yes, two for no, agreed? SOUND    ONE QUIET RAP SVEN    [outside, question]  [you want the axe?]  [Vill du ha yxan?] OLY    [annoyed] [go around and come in through the front!] [gå runt och komma in genom fronten!] FANSHAW    I say Lem, I should like to go back and make sure there's no-- SOUND    ONE RAP FANSHAW    Right, then. SOUND    FANSHAW EXITS OLY    [Get up now and come with me] [Stig upp nu, och kom med mig.] LEM    [slowly] I don't understand. OLY    [slowly] [YOU get up and come with me] [Du får upp och komma med mig] LEM    Come with?  I been shot.  Weak.  Cain't walk. OLY    [shouting] [Get up!] [Upp med dig!] LEM    [muttered, resigned] All right then. SOUND    BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE, SLOW FOOTSTEP, COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR LEM    [moans] Dammit. FADE MRS. DOC    [weeping] DOC    Let me go to my wife! BJORN    [angry words]  [just stay right there.  No fast moves!] [Stanna där. Inga snabba rörelser!] DOC    [trying to be calm, but speaking from across the room] Lydia, be brave.  We'll get this all sorted out. BJORN    [warning noise] FANSHAW    At least there's nothing unseemly going on.  That would simply be too much.  If only Lem had his guns.  There's no more that six of them, large as they are.  And not one seems to have a firearm. OLY    [Someone come and carry this fool.]  [Någon kom och bära denna idiot.] AKE    [question] [Should I go?] [Ska jag gå?] BJORN    [go!] [Go!] SOUND    ARNOT RUNS OFF DOWN THE HALL. BJORN    [barks orders] [tie them up!]  [Binned upp dem!] SOUND    CHAIRS PULLED OVER, CREAK OF ROPES MRS. DOC    [gaspy shriek] DOC    There ain't no call for this!  How dare you lay hands on a lady! BJORN    Shh! FANSHAW    Well.  That anyone can understand. FADE LEM    [muttered]  I never thought Swedes were this ornery.  Only ones I ever met were right peaceable. FANSHAW    I think it's - well, it isn't "all right", but I do think they're only doing this to get help. LEM    eh? FANSHAW    The loudest one out front was shoving the doctor at a wounded man. SOUND    AKE WALKS IN OLY    [help me move him] [Hjälp mig att flytta honom!] OLY and AKE    [Grunts as they move Lem] LEM    [sharp hiss, trying not to cry out from pain] Fanshaw    Be prepared.  They have the doctor's lady tied to a chair, to enforce his aid. Lem    Damn. AKE    [laughs] [he knows one word!] [Han vet ett ord!] OLY    [shush] [tyst] FADE Doc    [speaking looud and slow] stitches.  He needs stitches.  I will have to sew that gash on his head. SWEDES    [muttering] Doc    [normal speed] untie my hands and I'll show you, you blasted idjets! Mrs. Doc    [calmer, but a little hoarse from cying] Too bad we lost Nels last month. SVEN    Nels?   Doc    If Nels weren't dead, everything would be easier. SVEN    [angry] [Vad är det du säger om Nels?] Doc    Nels.  Yes.  He was a good man. SOUND    MEN SHUFFLING IN CARRYING LEM Lem    [wincing in pain] Who's this Nels? Sven    [angry] [You shut up about Nels!] [Du hålla käften om Nels!] OLY    [Be quiet.  If nels was here, there would be no problem.  You know that.] [Var tyst. Om kanaler var här, skulle det inte vara något problem. Du vet att.] FANSHAW    [speculative] Sounds like Nels is ...dead?  Hmm. LEM    [quiet] Go on then. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    SETTING LEM DOWN IN CHAIR AKE    [Should we tie him up?] [ska vi binda upp honom?] OLY    [He cannot even stand.  Leave him.] [Han kan inte ens stå. Lämna honom.] FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE NOISES FANSHAW    Nels?  I say, is there a Nels around? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Shut tha gob!  [shut your mouth] FANSHAW    Heavens!  Hello? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Gi o'er screetin'! [stop talking] FANSHAW    Are you addressing me? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] They'ull suss us're laikin about.  Whilst us'm left bugger-all, and all that.  {they'll figure out we're out here, leaving us with nothing} SCABBY BILL    Pikey's off his head drownt, in't him? [pikey's drunk] PIKEY    [drunken chortle] FANSHAW    That's a relief - of a sort.  Rather than a dead swede, I find a party of my own countrymen - of a sort - encroaching on an already sticky situation.  Bloody hell.  [sigh] I'd best relay this. FADE DOC    I can't do him any good without my bag.  [louder, and gesturing] Bag! OLY    [thinking] Bag.  Ja.  Mrs. Doc    Maybe they understand needle and thread.  Show them. FANSHAW    Lem, just listen.  I've not found Nels, but felt I had to come back and inform you that there are men approaching in a sort of ambush formation outside. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    Not more of the Swedes - I suspect these are the fellows who the alteraction is with - or against.  At any rate, they speak English - of a sort - so they won't be so hard to deal with, assuming that they don't simply stage an attack and kill everyone. LEM    Cheery. FANSHAW    And my apologies for not thinking of this before-- LEM    [impatient sigh] FANSHAW    But I did see where the doctor placed your guns and other belongings - they are in the chest at the foot of the bed you awoke in. LEM    Hmph. DOC    [slowly and loudly] You - look through my bag!  You see?  Noooo weapons.  Give bag, let me help your friend. LEM    [quickly] Doc, I think I hear some men outside. OLY    [Hell!  Nels always had bad timing!]  [Helvete! Nels hade alltid dålig timing!] SVEN    [Do not talk about Nels that way!] [Prata inte om Nels det sättet!] Mrs. Doc    Nels?  [slowly, but nicely] Nels was a good man. SVEN    [good man] God Manniska.  Ya. OLY    [Hmph.  give the doctor his bag.] [ge läkaren sin väska.] FADE FITCH    Red, tha tike Jimmy and Sike, and skeg ap gate.  Keep Pikey downwind, me - guff alone'd make a dozey twonk. [red, you take jimmy and sike and look out front.  I'll keep pikey downwind.  His farts alone would make you stupid.] PIKEY    [drunken laugh] FANSHAW    I shall have to leave them to their machinations while I find this Nels.  [quiet] Please god I shall find him.  [up] Nels?  Nels! PIKEY    Tha 'ear owt? [you hear anything?] FITCH    Oyl and shoon. [Hole and shoes - shut your mouth and walk] FADE SOUND    SCISSORS SNIP DOC    [professional brisk] That needs to stay clean, which means-- MRS. DOC    Dear? DOC    [heavy sigh] Right.  [back to loud and slow] Clean.  Wash.  Alcohol. Whiskey? SWEDES    [approving noises]  ya ya.  Whiskey. DOC    [brisk] I have no idea if they understand a word. LEM    That last word I'd say they did. Mrs. Doc    They're watching you real close.  They might be getting some of this. At least some of our words are kind of similar.  "Help", for instance. OLY    [Help?  Help what?] [Hjalp?  Hjalp vad?] MRS. DOC    It's almost like he understood me. LEM    I wouldn't go thinkin' these fellers is fools.  They don't even seem to mind us talkin, now that the doc's on with his  business. DOC    You think they'll leave now? LEM    So this feller you were talkin about - the one who had some English - do I take it he's deceased? DOC    [agreeing] Mm-hm.  Hatchet flew off the handle, caught him in the side of the head.  It weren't quick, and it weren't pretty, and there weren't a durn thing I coulda done. LEM    So long as they're leavin us to talk amonst ourselves, doc, you were sayin there's some sort of dustup in this here valley? DOC    These fellers - loggers, they are - have some issue with the miners down at the other end of the valley.  They been getting along just fine for a donkey's years, and all of a sudden I ride in this trip to find them at odds and whaling on each other every chance they get. MRS. DOC    Perhaps it is merely a misundertanding?  With Ne- [catches herself] With their one translator passed on, could this all be a terrible mistake? LEM    Might could be.  These miners, they speak English?  Not chineee or sumpin? DOC    English they are, but kind of funny til you get used to it.   LEM    Then I think they's the ones a-creepin up on the house.  I heered just a snatch of voices a while back, and it certain sure weren't Swedes. MRS. DOC    What do we do? LEM    I doubt me you're in any danger, missus, any more than you would be from these fellers. Them out there probably want the doc's help too. MRS. DOC    Even after he sent everyone packing this afternoon? LEM    Even more so.  But they's like to be some fightin once you get'em all in one place. MRS. DOC    Oh no! DOC    If only these fellers would let me speak to them outside. LEM    I'm not sure as they've even noticed-- OLY    [hey!  Someone's outside!] [hey! Någon utanför!] AKE    [I hear them!] [Jag hör dem!] LEM    Never mind. SVEN    [do not let them come in!] [Låt dem inte komma in!] FADE FANSHAW    [sigh] This is about as far as I can go.  I don't know quite where the logger's camp might be‑‑ EZRA    Hello. FANSHAW    Hel-lo? EZRA    Will you play with me? FANSHAW    Oh, dear. [end]   EPISODE 3 1_EZRA EZRA [child]    What's your name? FANSHAW    [dread] Fanshaw. EZRA    That's a funny sort of name. FANSHAW    I expect so.  And yours? EZRA    Ezra.  Ezra Peacote.  FANSHAW    Ezra.  Can you point me to the logger's encampment? EZRA    Sure I can!  You go on down this road a piece, then watch fer where all the trees is gone. FANSHAW    I'm afraid this is as far as I can go, just at the moment.  Can you go to the logging camp? EZRA    I go there all the time to watch them cut down the trees.  I'm gonna cut down trees when I grow up. FANSHAW    [sorrowful] Oh.  I see.     FADE 2_barricade SOUND    SHIFTING FURNITURE OLY    [block that window!  Put out the lamp!] [block som fönster! Släck lampan!] SVEN    [yes! PUSH!]  [Ja! Tryck!] SWEDES    [GRUNTS as they shove furniture] DOC    Stop all this!  Let me talk to them!  AKE    [What if they come in the back?] [Tänk om de kommer i bakvägen?] Mrs. Doc    Oh, please don't let them tear up my house, husband! That china cabinet was my mother's!  DOC    I'll watch the entire house burn to cinders if it means keeping you safe, Irene. LEM    [muttered to self] All I'm watchin is a passel o' people payin no mind to the ailin' feller in the corner.  [chuckles]  It's a wonder how often it helps to seem a mite more poorly than y'really are.      FADE 3_angel FANSHAW    Ezra, you and I need to have a long talk, but that will have to wait.  There's some people in danger, and we are the only ones who can help them. EZRA    Helping is what I'm here fer.  Not that I had much chance, yet.  I'm an angel, you know. FANSHAW    A - what? EZRA    You do know what an angel is, dontcha? FANSHAW    Oh, of course, I've just...  I've never seen one. EZRA    Mama always said that all young'uns who dies of the consumption come up angels. FANSHAW    [sigh of relief] So you know that you passed on? EZRA    Yessir.  But don't sound so sad - it's all right.  I don't cough no more. FANSHAW    You shall have to tell me more about your mama - but first we must help, yes?     FADE 4_irons SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SOUND    SLOW CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS  [voices from back in the front room] OLY    [yelling to them outside]  [we know you are there!  Stand up and be counted!] [vi vet att du är där! Stå upp och räknas] DOC    [also yelling] They have my shotgun!  Stay clear! MRS. DOC    Please, all of you, don't hurt anyone.  We must be able to work this out! SOUND    DOOR EASES SHUT LEM    [sigh of relief]  Plumb clear ain't none of these fellers got much of a head fer fightin, or they'd have a man back here in case of-- PIKEY    [slurred, off]  Eyup!  Naught but oiyl!  As ah allus sez  - let winder open, best as well put parkin in yune - an ahl tell thi that fer nowt.  [hey - nothing but a hole!  As I always say, leave the window open, might as well bake a cake [and invite people in], and I'll tell you that for free] LEM    [hushed but urgent] Dammit!  SOUND    THUMPS AS HE CRAWLS, THEN TRUNK OPENS SOUND    NOISES OF CLIMBING FROM OUTSIDE SOUND    SEARCHING THE TRUNK LEM    [searching for his guns] Where are they?  Dammit!     FADE 5_get nels EZRA    Nels?  I'll go and ask.  There's a couple of fellers at the logging camp, but I ain't never talked to none of them.  They talk funny. FANSHAW    If he's there, Nels will be the one who CAN speak some English. EZRA    I'm a-going.  [slight pause] Say, Mr. Fanshaw, do you think this might could earn me my wings?  I shore would love to be able to fly away and watch over my mama instead. FANSHAW    [bright] I don't know, truly, but I suspect good deeds will always stand you in good stead.  You go on, now.  [pause]  [small sob]     FADE 6_put em up SOUND    THUMP - THEY'RE IN THE ROOM. SCABBY BILL    Bleeding muttonheads, innit?  Leaving the drawbridge down and draining the moat fer us. PIKEY    Inno moat.  [laughs, then smothers it] An thou clap clack on me gone khalied. [And you talk about me being drunk] SCABBY BILL    Shu'up. PIKEY    SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. [sort of damp and spitty] SCABBY BILL    [dry] Thanks, now I dinna need no washup. OLY    [off]  [Who the devil is watching the back?] [Vem fan tittar på baksidan?] AKE    [off]  [I thought bjorn was!] [Jag tyckte det var Björn] BJORN    [off]  [Ake was supposed to--] [Åke var tänkt att titta på] OLY    [furious growl]  [Get back there!] [Komma tillbaka dit!] SOUND    FEET APPROACH SCABBY BILL    Get set to swing that crow, and be chary you don't smite my crown. PIKEY    Nowt missed owt threp yet. [never missed a smack yet] SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS SCABBY BILL    Shh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS PIKEY    [loud attack] Right! SOUND    HAMMERS CLICK, TWO GUNS LEM    All y'all hold it right there.  [up] GUN, savvy? PIKEY    What? LEM    Drop em. SOUND    CROWBAR DROPS TO GROUND, SOMETHING WOOD TOO SCABBY BILL    What gate of hell spewed you forth? LEM    No place so trick.  You should oughtta check the corners and the shadows when yer breakin inter a body's home. AKE    [slightly off] Gun?  LEM    Yes, gun! SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS IN THE HALL PIKEY    Now, lad, us'n't doin nowt-- SCABBY BILL    You have to understand the tragic poetry of this moment.  You'd laugh if you had the whole picture there afore ye. LEM    You two stay right'chere. SOUND    SLIGHT STEP LEM    [yelling to the swedes, slow] gun.  Now you, "mansker"-- AKE    [me?]  [mig?] LEM    Yeah - you go and unbind the good doctor and his wife. BJORN    [he cannot shoot all of us.] [han kan inte skjuta oss alla] AKE    [He can shoot one.  And it can be you, idiot.]  [Han kan skjuta en. Och det kan vara du, idiot.] LEM    Idiot.  Gotcha.  Idjit, Gun and damm. And maybe mansker.  Never thought I'd be learning no other lingo at my age.     FADE 7_NELS EZRA    You just waiting fer me?    FANSHAW    I thought it would be helpful if you could locate me easily. EZRA    I kin find anything round here.  I found yer Mr. Nels.  He can't come no closer than over yonder, though. FANSHAW    [calling] Nels? NELS    Who is this asking?  Sure, you're not the little boy. EZRA    [muttered] I'm an angel. FANSHAW    [up]  We need help with talking to your men.  Something has upset them and no one can speak to one another. NELS    Sure, it is a row about the woman, is it not? FANSHAW    A woman?  The doctor's wife? NELS    Nah!  The one we bought fair and square - paid her passage and her indebted for five years, and them rascals up and run off with her. FANSHAW    [resigned mutter]  All this over a woman.  And people wonder why a mustache is so comfortable. EZRA    You got a lovely set of whiskers there, you do. FANSHAW    Thank you.  It helps a great deal to never have to worry about grooming them. NELS    Sure, you bring us back the woman, there might be peace again. EZRA    Is she their mother? FANSHAW    I rather doubt it.  But women are good at... other things too. EZRA    You said a mouthful there, you did, sir.  FANSHAW    Please, just call me Fanshaw. EZRA    All right Mr. Fanshaw. FANSHAW    If you must. EZRA    Huh? FANSHAW    [UP] Nels, we need help speaking to your men.  Are you willing to help, if I give you my word that we are going to do our best to clear this up? NELS    [snort of derision]  Sure, a bucket of dead men cannot float. EZRA    That's just silly. FANSHAW    I think that rather lost something in the translation.      FADE 8_palaver SOUND    ANGRY NOISES FROM BOTH SIDES LEM    [very quiet] Talk to me, Fanshaw.  [up a bit] Ain't much we can do while no one parlays the lingo. DOC    I've always purposed to send away for a book of phrases, but Nels was always on hand. MRS. DOC    Perhaps we could draw some pictures? DOC    That's a capital idea!  Mrs. Doc    I have that slate we set aside ...[trails off with a slight sniffle.  NOTE - she has things for when they have children, but she's never had any] ... I'll fetch it, then, shall I? SOUND    SHE RUSHES OFF SCABBY BILL    Us got more lads backside.  Be reasonable and leave us go. LEM    I got two guns, and the doc's got at least two barrels of buck, before we need to be reasonable about nothin.  Stay shut. FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    Lem, we have a problem. LEM    [laughs derisively] FANSHAW    Nels IS present at the loggers camp, but cannot approach this place.  I can get to within shouting distance, but it's going to be a bit of a slow process if I'm dashing back and forth for translations each time - not to mention any mispronunciations I might make along the way. SOUND    MRS. DOC RETURNS MRS. DOC    Here we go.  I even have some chalk.  Now.  [bravely] You seem to be the leader here-- DOC    Be careful, dear. MRS. DOC    He's no more a danger with you watching him, husband.  [to OLY] You... draw ... problem. OLY    [quizzical] Problem? [definite, "getting it"] Problem!  Ja! SOUND    DRAWING ON SLATE MRS. DOC    [satisfied] See? SCABBY BILL    Prob'ly just drawin somethin rude. SOUND    DRAWING FINISHES OLY    ["Finished"] Fardig.  [forceful, indicating - "woman"] Dam. SOUND    TAPS THE SLATE PIKEY    As I allus say. DOC    I'll ask you not to use such language-- LEM    No, I think he means dam, like a mare.  Look at what he's drawn. DOC    A woman?  Oh, that sort of dam! OLY    Ya.  Dam. FANSHAW    Damn!  Lem, Nels said something about this all beginning with a woman.  LEM    Damn. [gasp, up] Pardon me, ma'am.  [musing] We really need to get a mite closer to the loggin camp. END   EPISODE 4 FANSHAW    I've been thrown for a bit of a loop, or I would have mentioned the presence of a female at the heart of this matter-- LEM    [riled] Will someone just come to the point and tell me what's a-going on?  What is this about a woman? FANSHAW    Nels said that he and his had -ahem- brought her here, and those fellows apparently absconded with her. PIKEY    What woman?  Us dunno nowt about no woman. FITCH    Put wood in't clacks. [shut up] LEM    You certain sure they's speakin normal English?  Sounds downright wrong. DOC    You get used to it. FANSHAW    I assume they are come from one of the large mining areas back home in blighty.  Perhaps Lancashire or Yorkshire. LEM    York-sure? PIKEY    Aye!  Tykes, us'm. FITCH    Shh! LEM    That sounds like an ayup. OLY    [This has to get us something.  give us the woman] Detta är att få oss något framåt. ge oss damen. LEM    There's that dam again.  [up]  If you're telling me you got no woman-- FITCH    Got nowt.  LEM    Then let's all jest mosey down t'yer camp and have a rekky.  [thinks] See what we find. SCABBY BILL    Nae, sir, cannot.  LEM    Whay's that? SCABBY BILL    um.... Ty-foy. DOC    Typhoid?  Horsefeathers!  Sides, cain't catch typhoid from a looksee.  Get up. PIKEY    Shant. OLY    [growl]  Son till en hund! [Son of a dog!] FITCH    Gormless bastard - tha'll be right skittled! AKE    Låt mig slå honom! [Let me hit him!] SWEDES and TYKES [general angry grumbles] MRS. DOC    Wait!  Wait, all of you! SWEDES and TYKES [all shut up with gasps] MRS. DOC    You!  Sit!  [noise for emphasis as she gestures] SOUND    SHIFTING, THUMPING, TYKESIDE MRS. DOC    Now you!  Go on! SOUND    SHIFTING THUMPING, SWEDE-SIDE. FANSHAW    Clearly, some things are quite comprehensible, no matter what tongue you speak.  They do say women are a civilizing influence and are bound to tame the west. LEM    [slight snort of laughter] FANSHAW    This show of respect certainly gives me some hope regarding the treatment of this mystery woman, as well. LEM    [deep breath and sigh]  Now, fellers.  Let's take it one more time from the saddle blanket up. FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE, FIRE NEARBY SOUND    BAG SET DOWN, RUSTLE BEACHUM    [crotchety old hag] Wazzatcher got vere?  Ye call vem leeks?  TED    Best t'be had.  Yon t'were parky summer.  [best to be had.  It was a cold summer] BEACHUM    Hmm.  Right, leave em on block.  SOUND    RUNNING FEET COME IN JAMES    [breathless from off] Eyup! TED    Eyup?  Why'rt thee so sharp?  [hello?  What's wrong?] JAMES    Maister Finch an't lads! They'm gripped!  [Finch and the guys!  They've been grabbed] TED    Thas doolally, thee!  [you're crazy!] JAMES    Nay!  us were without't house; Fitch went in wi Scabby Bill, Pikey--  [no!  We were at the house, and they went in--] TED    [snort] All save thee?  Get on.  [everyone but you?  Nonsense!] JAMES    Shouts!  And vices.  Them logmen.  But else ain mair.  I'm thought as that's black tidins, me, so I have a squint, and them're all sat like bairns in skoil, with old scratch hisself stood about in catflap johnnies, wavin a pair of irons and fit to beat seven sorts of shite out of 'em.  [Shouts!  And voices!  Those loggers.  But that's not all.  I figured that sounded bad, so I peeked in, and they were all sitting like kids in school, with the devil standing over them in longjohns, waving a pair of guns and ready to beat the crap out of them] TED    [decisive, grim] Roust old Git.  Say tis knockin up time.  [go wake up Old git.  Tell him to get everyone moving.] FADE SOUND    EATING, SPOON THROWN DOWN LARS    [disgusted noise]  [this tastes terrible.] [Det här smakar hemskt.] ARN    [They better be getting her back.  You cook very badly.] [De bättre att få henne tillbaka. Du tillagar mycket dåligt.] LARS    [What do you expect?] [Vad förväntar du dig?] KJELL    [Quiet down!  It will not kill you.] [Tysta ner! Det kommer inte döda dig.]  SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN FREDEK    [out of breath] [Come quickly!  Something has happened!] [Kom snabbt! Någonting har hänt!] SWEDES    [Excited responses - please all record the following, I will mix] [my god!] Herregud! [What happened?!] Vad hände? [Where is Oly?] Var är Oly? [Let's get em!]  Låt oss få dem! SOUND    CLATTER OF DISHES, BENCHES SCRAPE     FADE LEM    Don't try and buffalo me, lads.  I know you all are speakin some kinda English, and YOU, SCABBY BILL    Me? LEM    Ayup.  I heerd you.  You talk purt near normal.  Normal fer Englanders leastways. FANSHAW    Oh, thank you VERY much. SCABBY BILL    [deep over the top thick accent] Nae, Maister.  [quoting a song] Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee, On Il-kley Moor bar-ta--at? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? LEM    Cut that out.  This ain't no game, feller.  Lessen you're hankerin to see a mighty dustup, I truly suggest you take off the feathers and help me untie this knot y'all've wound. SCABBY BILL    [considering] Hmm. PIKEY    Wazzat?  Knots 'n feathers? SCABBY BILL    Nay mitherin, lad. [no worrying, lad.]  [up, clearer]  What thee rightly asking, there, "fellow"? DOC    While yer jawin, Mr. Roberts, Why don't you have a seat?  Never saw a man could sway like 'at, while his hands was set in granite. LEM    Sore as it is to own up to weakness, I think a chair would be right fine right about now. SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE LEM    [sighs as he sits] EZRA    [distant] Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    I am summoned.  You seem to be handling things. LEM    [quiet] uh-huh. MRS. DOC    If yer all set on hospitality, perhaps these gentlemen will let me set some water on to heat? PIKEY    Wha? SCABBY BILL     Lass says tea mayhap. PIKEY    Ta! MRS. DOC    [slowly, with sound effects, to the Swedes]  I heat water [glug glug] to drink [slurp] warm. OLY    [quizzical] ya? MRS. DOC    Well.  I'll just be in the kitchen, then.  SOUND    WALKS OUT LEM    Checkin' her biscuits. DOC    [chuckles]     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  There's folks coming up on you. FANSHAW    From where? EZRA    There! FANSHAW    The loggers? EZRA    And there! FANSHAW    Oh, blast.      FADE DOC    [whispered] Mr. Roberts, tea's all well and good, but fer really makin peace, I cain't fault whiskey.  LEM    [undertone] Save it fer after.  Leave 'em sober til they agree. [up]  You, what's yer name, anyway? SCABBY BILL    Bill.  LEM    No dancin now - tell me about this woman. SCABBY BILL    [sigh]  T'owd lass.  Nae laikin'.  [clears his throat]   She weren't happy wit' them tree trunks.  Nowt speak proper, now t'one has gone.  LEM    What's her name? SCABBY BILL    Mrs. Beamish. LEM    Mrs.?  Doc? DOC    I ain't never seen her. SCABBY BILL    Widder.  LEM    Ayeah.  So Missus Beamish is from England, like you fellers? SCABBY BILL    Nae, London, her'm. SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    [breathless] Lem!  More are on their way, both sides. LEM    But she talks like you. SCABBY BILL    [snort of laughter] Nay!  She've an accent.  FANSHAW    [surprised laugh] LEM    But you-- [take a breath to speak, but is intrupted] SCABBY BILL    But mair like than nowt like.  Can cal [rhymes with pal] six of seven, as may be.  Talk. FANSHAW    [warning] Lem, I know it's a bad time-- LEM    So she favors y'all, cuz she kin talk to you? SCABBY BILL    Aye. OLY    [Did they say what they did?] LEM    [slow] I'm asking.  [muttred]  Dunno what's'a gonna happen when I haveta explain. FANSHAW    Lem, I'll come back and let you know when they are close enough to be a danger. LEM    That's right fine.      FADE SOUND    Moving through underbrush KJELL    Det är huset!  [There is the house!] LARS    Finns det någon död?  [Are there any dead?] FREDEK    Jag såg ingen. [I saw none.] LARS    Oly?  Var såg du honom? [Oly?  Where did you see him?] FREDEK    Jag ser ljus! I fönstret! [I see light!  In the window!] KJELL    Tyst! [Be quiet.]     FADE TED    Thas t'house? JAMES    Eh, by gum.  Us gang thru t'winder. [we went in through the window] OLD GIT    Winder wooded oop.  [window is covered in wood] JAMES    [disparagin] Winder at back.   TED    See owt o't'lads?  [see anything of the guys?] JAMES    Within? OLD GIT    Tha reckon, young-en?  TED    [musing] Tis goin' dahn't nick, appen as not.  [this is all going to hell, like]     FADE MUTTERING DISCUSSIONS AMONG BOTH GROUPS MRS. DOC    Drink.  It's more broth. LEM    Thankee kindly, ma'am.  All this jawin is plumb wearin me thin. DOC    I think you've takin the edge off, anyways.  Ain't no one looking fit to kill, no more. LEM    At's a wonder.  [sips, ahhh.] DOC    But I worry about you, feller.  Soon as can, you're for bed, and I'll need ta check them wounds. LEM    I cain't wish fer more.  [up, to Mrs.] Thankee ma'am.  Maybe a touch more? MRS. DOC    Of course. SOUND    BUSTLES OFF LEM    [quiet] Spect this's a bad time to say I'm a-hearin voices outside again? DOC    What the blazes! LEM    shh.  I think both have reinforcements comin.  We needs to shove some peaceable down all their throats - and right quick, before a range war starts out yonder. SCABBY BILL    [clears throat]  We are ready to cry off.  And make some talk.  Nowt gi' up, but sort this - hosses fer yows.  [not giving up, but want to negotiate - horses for ewes] LEM    Sounds like a good start.  You? OLY    Ya?  [No fighting.  Talk.  Somehow.] DOC    Does that sounds peaceble enough? LEM    I'm fair hopeful. [up] Bill?  Go tell yer men to rein it in.  [correcting] uh, step back.  They's comin from out there. SCABBY BILL    Flippin 'eck!  Ah'm barn.  [flippin heck! I'm going] SOUND    a couple of steps, DOOR OPENS SCABBY BILL    [off, fading]  Lads!  LEM    Oly, your turn, old son.  [slowly, with gestures] Go stop your'n. OLY    Ya.  SOUND    FEET, DOOR LEM    [clearly weakening] Doc, go and yell fer that Bill feller - tell him to bring Mrs. Beamish along here.  See what you can do anyway. DOC    Let me take them guns, first, yer gone all pale and fit to drop 'em LEM    I'll set em down myself. SOUND    METAL ON WOOD LEM    [quiet] Don't fret.  Th'ain't even loaded. DOC    Well, I'll be! LEM    I doubt me I got the strength left to hold guns and bullets.  Now catch 'em up and get that woman here. END    

The last episode of the season is celebrated with one of the most used storytelling tropes. But is it used because it's good or because it's easy? Well... it's a bit of both. But do listen even though I've told you the ending. Conal gets annoyed at toilet attendants, Joe is delighted he has a break. We've had a blast working on this season but this we promise:THE BOOK OF NOWT WILL RETURN! Support the show

Fancy walking around commercial hell all day on a busy Saturday? Thought not. Why not just listen to this for a bit instead. IKEA is a nightmare of an experience that loads of other people think is really good but it isn't it's a nightmare. Meatballs, blue & yellow, the lights bit... what more could a person ever dream of? We also talk about our top three fruits. Important stuff. It's the penultimate show of the season. We're tired. Support the show

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one most adaptable to change”So never said Charles Darwin. It was Leon Megginson. But still, nice quote. Evolution by natural selection was first posited in 1859 in On The Origin of Species, and has been a controversial topic since. Not sure why... becasue it's amazing... and true. If this episode upsets you, great! Visit this website to register a complaint.Support the show

Alrite. - We have a connection to Barometer World! - What has Karl ever won? - Poster campaign bringing in new listeners. - "Nowt's gone on this week" - Steve is mad he saw a homeless person reading. - Karl's new ideas and Steve's sit-com pitches. - Educating Ricky. - Rockbusters. - Karl's Dad's mates. And more tat!  SUPPORT THE SHOW! Patreon.com/karlypilkboys Become a Patreon!: https://www.patreon.com/karlypilkboys See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We did a game show episode. In The Rating Game, Conal and Joe must convince Sazzie as to their nomination for the most overrated and underrated thing in each category. We had a jolly good time making it, but it might be self indulgent crap. You be the judge. Support the show

Inside my shell I wait and bleed... or something. Remember Y2K? Remember pierced eyebrows? Remember moshing to Alien Ant Farm at Leeds Festival 2001? Yeah, it was rubbish. Here, we take to pieces a genre much-forgotten. A genre of skate parks and baggy jeans; turntable scratches and frosted tips; Durst and Levigne.Yeah, we aren't fans, but we remember it allllll too well. You are our butterflies, sugar baby.Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

No stooges were used in the making of this podcast. How good is Derren Brown though? He goes out there, gets inside people's heads, and leaves without making a mess. We cover all the main topics of the big man's career: prediciting lottery numbers, heists, and when our mate Kez was nearly hypnotised by a dog. Conal's been poorly with norovirus... you can only imagine the stories he has to tell. Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

We came here for a shootout! The Kray Twins terrorised the London clubland of the 50s and 60s, bullying gangster kingpin and innocent civiliant alike. They used fear, intimidation, violence, and charm as their primary weapons, but won court cases againt the police, so the public loved them. Weird innit. Joe and Conal are just hoping that David Bailey takes some photographs of them so they can become East End legends too. Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

Barcelonaaaaaaa... such a beautiful horizon.Rubbish song, charming city. Barcelona is one of the shining lights of European human settlements. A thriving hub of culture, quisine, architecture, history, and sport... but all the songs called Barcelona are still trash. Most importantly though, the Brothers Deeney discuss those little statues of men in red hats having a poo. We think you are all really fit. Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

It's not you, it's us. The best podcast talks about the worst feeling. You love someone to death, but they're keen to move on. None of us want it, but without it music would just be lift music. We indulge in all manner of anecdotes and opinions of love's turbulent meanderings. Conal gives us his history of ghosting and Joe regales a poem he wrote when he was 16. It's one part funny to sixty parts embarrassing. Don't break our achey breaky hearts, just listen and tell all your mates.Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

1991. One year higher than 1990, but a million times more valuable. This was the year of Desert Storm, Grunge, Rodney King, doing everything for you, Game Boys, and eating people's liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti fefefefe!We go through this year, month by month, and see what it's left in its wake. Join us for fun, friendship, and maybe more. Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

MIAMI, FL — My guest today is Daniel Ross. A travel connoisseur and arguably the most global Northern bloke I've ever met. Dan and I first connected back in December of 2019 during a black-tie dinner on the Intrepid in New York City. Carly Rae Jepsen performed. We rubbed shoulders with travel influencers and celebrities. It was a magical evening. Little did we both know it would be the last time we'd see each other until March 2022. Our travel schedules finally intersected and we had the chance to sit down in Miami for this conversation at the stunning MIAMI EAST hotel in Brickell. Over the pandemic, Dan made the bold switch from cashing in a paycheque and working for somebody else to breaking out on his own as a freelancer. We caught up during the latter end of his 8-week press trip to the United States. This was Dan's first time in America since the pandemic. In this episode, we discuss Dan's origin story as a Geordie, how his life has changed since the pandemic, why he ultimately decided to make the jump to freelance, how he thinks about his role today in the travel space and why he absolutely refuses to be called an influencer. https://www.instagram.com/comedanwithme

Chim-chim-cheroo! And here it is... the musical worth watching. Detailing the job of a woman on a zero-hours contract, Mary Poppins has been spellbinding audiences since Beatlemania and shows no signs of a difficult breakup. With a host of talented performers, some much-discussed accents, and a surprisingly lengthy running time, this film is practically perfect in every way. We've got a quiz at the end too. Thats a good bit I reckon. Support the show

Na then, yer big duck egg. Frame thi sen an' listen ter' Book ah Naaht.In this little episode we take a world tour of the accents of the English-speaking world. We list our favourites, but not our least because we don't have any because accents are amazing. I like yours the best.Conal reveals he has an excellent, excellent Kiwi voice, and Joe struggles with Australian. What a couple of brothers these two are. Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

We. Are. Back. This time with a topic right up Joe's street and a tiny little bit up Conal's too. The Roman Empire! We owe them so much, but they were brutal expansionists. Love it or hate it, Ancient Rome is so interesting it makes out heads hurt. Except for laughs, facts, banter, education, reliability, emotional strength, progressive thinging, silliness, philosophy, sexual charge, philanthropy, mates, dance moves, and cool...What has the Book of Nowt ever done for us?!Sazzie's back too. What larks!Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

Last one and this one's a DOOZY!The Holiday. What can we say about this that Noam Chomsky hasn't said a thousand times before? It's long, it's overwritten, it's sentimental, it thinks an awful lot of itself... but it's still better than Love Actually. If you don't like this film, we have four words for you:Law. Diaz. Winslet. Black. Actually, you might have a point. Also available as a YouTube videoSupport the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

 Welcome to Christmas Land. A depressing little hellhole in the middle of nowhere that will judge you no matter the time of year. This is the perfect hallmark film for the ages: a successful woman in the city with a black assistant goes to the small town she grew up in for some reason and is convinced by a local hunk with big hands that the city is fucking shit and she should stay in the place she purposefully left when she was young and cool. To be fair, this film is superb. It's the most stupid, pointless thing humaity has managed to so far achieve, but it's the very reason this podcast exists. Also available as a YouTube videoSupport the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

This film is... surreal. Is it even a film? I mean it's on the telly, under the category "film", but is it? There are arguments and New York and lesbians and priests and baubles and car crashes and angels and dogs and I don't even know anymore. This film is so fucking boring. Our podcast isn't though and it's fair to say we eviscerate it.Also available as a YouTube videoSupport the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)

God rest ye merry gentlemen... if you ever see this film. We really scrape the bottom of the barrel of mulled wine with this one. We can't decide what's worst: the writing, the story, the dialogue, the acting, the cast, the plagiarism, or the font on the poster. Despite being miserable as Santa's funeral watching this, we actually had a jolly good time talking about and think you'll like it too because you get it and like having a lovely time. Or you could watch the YouTube videoSupport the show (https://www.patreon.com/bookofnowt)