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2 episodes with groundlessness
2 episodes with groundlessness
2 episodes with groundlessness
2 episodes with groundlessness
3 episodes with groundlessness
2 episodes with groundlessness
2 episodes with groundlessness
2 episodes with groundlessness
2 episodes with groundlessness
This week on our longrunning, ongoing “Walk the Talk Show” podcast and video series: "Groundlessness is something Buddhism talks about a lot. And you think, well, groundlessness, that sounds pretty bad. We always want ground beneath our feet. We want to be able to ground into Mother Earth, connect with the heavens above, connect with our hearts, our shoulders, connect with society. That's actually a meditation practice in the Buddhist tradition. But groundlessness is something that all of us go through. When we're having a hard time, when we're lonely, when we're feeling rejected, feeling confused, feeling lost...we tend to want to close down or blame other...or blame self, which can lead to depression. We want to find the ground..." ~ Waylon H. Lewis
This is a moment where the reality of groundlessness - impermanence - is front and center in our lives. What we should realize is that the world is constantly shifting and our inability or unwillingness to be with uncertainty can cause so much stress and pain. Mary discusses how to be radically open to our lives and the world and how recognizing that the foundation is always moving is a foundation in and of itself and one we can stand with.Recorded July 20, 2024 in the virtual worldSend me a text with any questions or comments!Visit Mary's website for more info on classes and teachings.
To me, groundlessness as a wisdom practice is challenging. It's an invitation to forget every concept, let go of everything I know, and sit in the direct experience of my life. I love the idea. But as a practical matter, how do I make dinner if I live in a non-conceptual reality, let alone how do I walk into a courtroom and present evidence?On the other hand, what if the aspiration to let go at this level, in the relative sense, is about just letting go of unwholesome concepts like that we, and others, are bad, wrong, difficult, not enough? To me this feels like a powerful enough letting go, for me and for now, because it points to a powerful level of freedom: the freedom to connect compassionately with others, and the freedom to be connected to my own luminous self. What about you? If you have a practice of letting go at this level, where does it feel like it leads? (Dedicated to letting go of any sense that we're right, they're wrong, and the fight is to the death; and to cultivating love and compassion in all directions on our small blue planet.)
Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: Conflict in Posthuman Literature, published by Martín Soto on April 9, 2024 on LessWrong. Grant Snider created this comic (which became a meme): Richard Ngo extended it into posthuman=transhumanist literature: That's cool, but I'd have gone for different categories myself.[1] Here they are together with their explanations. Top: Man vs Agency (Other names: Superintelligence, Singularity, Self-improving technology, Embodied consequentialism.) Because Nature creates Society creates Technology creates Agency. At each step Man becomes less in control, due to his increased computational boundedness relative to the other. Middle: Man vs Realities (Other names: Simulation, Partial existence, Solomonoff prior, Math.) Because Man vs Self is the result of dissolving holistic individualism (no subagents in conflict) from Man vs Man. Man vs Reality is the result of dissolving the Self boundary altogether from Man vs Self. Man vs Realities is the result of dissolving the binary boundary between existence and non-existence from Man vs Reality. Or equivalently, the boundary between different physical instantiations of you (noticing you are your mathematical algorithm). At each step a personal identity boundary previously perceived as sharp is dissolved.[2] Bottom: Man vs No Author (Other names: Dust theory, Groundlessness, Meaninglessness, Relativism, Extreme functionalism, Philosophical ill-definedness, Complete breakdown of abstractions and idealizations, .) Because Man vs God thinks "the existence of idealization (=Platonic realm=ultimate meaning=unstoppable force)" is True. This corresponds to philosophical idealism. Man vs No God notices "the existence of idealization" is False. And scorns Man vs God's wishful beliefs. This corresponds to philosophical materialism. Man vs Author notices "the existence of idealization" is not a well-defined question (doesn't have a truth value). And voices this realization, scorning the still-idealistic undertone of Man vs No God, by presenting itself as mock-idealization (Author) inside the shaky boundaries (breaking the fourth wall) of a non-idealized medium (literature, language). This corresponds to the Vienna circle, Quine's Web of Belief, Carnap's attempt at metaphysical collapse and absolute language, an absolute and pragmatic grounding for sensorial reality. Man vs No Author notices that the realization of Man vs Author cannot really be expressed in any language, cannot be voiced, and we must remain silent. It notices there never was any "noticing". One might hypothesize it would scorn Man vs Author if it could, but it has no voice to do so. It is cessation of conflict, breakdown of literature. This corresponds to early Wittgenstein, or Rorty's Pan-Relationalism. At each step the implicit philosophical presumptions of the previous paradigm are revealed untenable. The vertical gradient is also nice: The first row presents ever-more-advanced macroscopic events in reality, derived through physics as causal consequences. The second row presents ever-more-general realizations about our nature, derived through maths as acausal influence our actions have in reality.[3] The third row presents ever-more-destructive collapses of the implicit theoretical edifice we use to relate our nature with reality, derived through philosophy as different static impossibilities. ^ If I had to critique Richard's additions: Man vs Physics seems too literal (in sci-fi stories the only remaining obstacle is optimizing physics), and not a natural extension of the literary evolution in that row. Man vs Agency doesn't seem to me to capture the dance of boundaries that seems most interesting in that row. Man vs Simulator seems again a too literal translation of Man vs Author (changing the flavor of the setting rather than the underlying idea). ^ To see the Man vs Man t...
Link to original articleWelcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: Conflict in Posthuman Literature, published by Martín Soto on April 9, 2024 on LessWrong. Grant Snider created this comic (which became a meme): Richard Ngo extended it into posthuman=transhumanist literature: That's cool, but I'd have gone for different categories myself.[1] Here they are together with their explanations. Top: Man vs Agency (Other names: Superintelligence, Singularity, Self-improving technology, Embodied consequentialism.) Because Nature creates Society creates Technology creates Agency. At each step Man becomes less in control, due to his increased computational boundedness relative to the other. Middle: Man vs Realities (Other names: Simulation, Partial existence, Solomonoff prior, Math.) Because Man vs Self is the result of dissolving holistic individualism (no subagents in conflict) from Man vs Man. Man vs Reality is the result of dissolving the Self boundary altogether from Man vs Self. Man vs Realities is the result of dissolving the binary boundary between existence and non-existence from Man vs Reality. Or equivalently, the boundary between different physical instantiations of you (noticing you are your mathematical algorithm). At each step a personal identity boundary previously perceived as sharp is dissolved.[2] Bottom: Man vs No Author (Other names: Dust theory, Groundlessness, Meaninglessness, Relativism, Extreme functionalism, Philosophical ill-definedness, Complete breakdown of abstractions and idealizations, .) Because Man vs God thinks "the existence of idealization (=Platonic realm=ultimate meaning=unstoppable force)" is True. This corresponds to philosophical idealism. Man vs No God notices "the existence of idealization" is False. And scorns Man vs God's wishful beliefs. This corresponds to philosophical materialism. Man vs Author notices "the existence of idealization" is not a well-defined question (doesn't have a truth value). And voices this realization, scorning the still-idealistic undertone of Man vs No God, by presenting itself as mock-idealization (Author) inside the shaky boundaries (breaking the fourth wall) of a non-idealized medium (literature, language). This corresponds to the Vienna circle, Quine's Web of Belief, Carnap's attempt at metaphysical collapse and absolute language, an absolute and pragmatic grounding for sensorial reality. Man vs No Author notices that the realization of Man vs Author cannot really be expressed in any language, cannot be voiced, and we must remain silent. It notices there never was any "noticing". One might hypothesize it would scorn Man vs Author if it could, but it has no voice to do so. It is cessation of conflict, breakdown of literature. This corresponds to early Wittgenstein, or Rorty's Pan-Relationalism. At each step the implicit philosophical presumptions of the previous paradigm are revealed untenable. The vertical gradient is also nice: The first row presents ever-more-advanced macroscopic events in reality, derived through physics as causal consequences. The second row presents ever-more-general realizations about our nature, derived through maths as acausal influence our actions have in reality.[3] The third row presents ever-more-destructive collapses of the implicit theoretical edifice we use to relate our nature with reality, derived through philosophy as different static impossibilities. ^ If I had to critique Richard's additions: Man vs Physics seems too literal (in sci-fi stories the only remaining obstacle is optimizing physics), and not a natural extension of the literary evolution in that row. Man vs Agency doesn't seem to me to capture the dance of boundaries that seems most interesting in that row. Man vs Simulator seems again a too literal translation of Man vs Author (changing the flavor of the setting rather than the underlying idea). ^ To see the Man vs Man t...
Episode DescriptionDealing with Uncertainty is something we all deal with. For those of us on the healing path, dealing with difficult emotions, and trying to work through trauma, uncertainty can be even more challenging bring up a lot of anxiety in the body at times. This episode discusses what to do during times of uncertainty from a trauma informed approach, how meditating scripture can be a healing balm during these times, and how practicing a strategy called "groundlessness" can help us deal with uncertainty. By accepting the nature of life and uncertainty with acceptance, surrender, and groundlessness, we can start to find, that ironically, we have God as our anchor and can create more stability at all times. Breakdown of Episode1:17 Intro to New Episode 4:47 Intro to Dealing with Uncertainty8:45 What to Do During Times of Uncertainty 15:04 Scriptures for Dealing with Uncertainty23:05 What is Groundlessness and How Can it Help Me? SourcesPsalm 91 for protection, God's presence, and God's comfortSeason 1 Episode 20 of Christian Emotional Recovery, Acceptance, was referenced in the podcast and may be a good resource to supplement the concept of groundlessness.Christian Emotional Recovery ResourcesPodcast WebsiteAccess Episodes, Get Free Resources, and More Facebook GroupJoin Community, Get Support, and Get Weekly Encouragement YouTube ChannelSubscribe for Exclusive Material Not on Podcast Christian Emotional Recovery StoreGet meditations, infographics, journals, and other resources for your healing journey Trauma SurvivorsCheck out Resources Page for Trauma Survivors Email ListGet updates on episodes, platform, resources, and products Free ResourceFree Visual A.C.O.R.N Resource to Heal Difficult Emotions Donate Monthly Through PatreonHelp More Trauma Survivors Through This Ministry Donate One-Time Through Ko-FiHelp More Trauma Survivors Throu...
(Insight Meditation Community of Berkeley) Pema Chödrön writes: "It's not impermanence per se, or even knowing we're going to die, that is the cause of our suffering, the Buddha taught. Rather, it's our resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation. Our discomfort arises from all of our efforts to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness. When we resist change, it's called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that's called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness." Let's investigate the underlying feeling of insecurity to see how it can be used as a path to real freedom.
Dharma Seed - dharmaseed.org: dharma talks and meditation instruction
(Insight Meditation Community of Berkeley) Pema Chödrön writes: "It's not impermanence per se, or even knowing we're going to die, that is the cause of our suffering, the Buddha taught. Rather, it's our resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation. Our discomfort arises from all of our efforts to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness. When we resist change, it's called suffering. But when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that's called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness." Let's investigate the underlying feeling of insecurity to see how it can be used as a path to real freedom.
This weeks guest is the one and only, Android Jones! One of the world's most prominent psychedelic visionary artists working today. Based out of his hometown in Colorado, Android's work has been featured across the world in a wide array of different mediums. From having an extensive clothing line, to projecting his art onto the Empire State Building, Android has gone on to establish himself as one of the forerunners of technologically infused art. In this conversation, we explore a recent tragedy that Android underwent at the start of 2023 and it's implications on the nature of surrender and groundlessness. SHOW TOPICS - Android's Brush with Tragedy in 2023 - How Does a Space Affect our Creative Process? - How Android Prepares to Create Art - Dealing with the Groundlessness of the Bardo - Becoming Vulnerable and Receiving Support - Receiving Love from Strangers - Does Fixating on Fear Help Us? - Navigating Narrative Collapse - How Do We Help Others Moving through Narrative Collapse? - Emphasis on Physical Practices for Healing - Suffering and Grace LINKS androidjones.com
It is no secret that the Millennial and Gen Z cohort are losing their religion and seeking new ways to feel wonder and awe. But what is it about traditional religion that repels some? In a word, it may be certitude. What would it look like to honor all that our ancestors knew and realized, while being more open than ever to the Mystery and Unknowing of human life? The upcoming generations seem to be asking these questions intuitively, embodying new forms of wisdom on our planet. Listen to Little Moon's moving anthem to an emergent spirituality: https://open.spotify.com/track/37N7VOw3uyycrCbiB8cDIa?si=d068dfcd57434c25 If you feel fed by the show, please support Mindfulness+ by sharing with a friend, leaving a review or making a tax-deductible donation to Lower Lights School of Wisdom. We're grateful for your support! Want more guidance from Thomas? Come to our monthly online practitioners retreat. Have a practice question for Thomas? Leave a voicemail Voicemail. We would love to hear from you. Also, check out Thomas's new book here
Send us a Text Message.In this episode in the Oldish series The Dinking Game, co-hosts Dr Janet Price and Gregg Kaloust have a lively conversation about the Transition Zone in Pickleball, that area, sometimes called No Man's Land, between the back line and the non-volley zone (aka The Kitchen), and relate it to real life, and to Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön's Groundlessness. Get into your ready position, and give it a listen!Dr Janet gives a shoutout to Erin McHugh, author of the bestseller Pickleball is Life, with whom we had a fun conversation about pickleball and...life, last year. If you haven't yet, listen now.Gregg is very excited about his new Tyrol Pickleball shoes. They are lightweight, sturdy, comfortable, and with their exclusive Vibram soles should last much longer on the outdoor courts than his old shoes did. You can check them out at Tyrol Pickleball. (note, if you buy them after clicking on this link Oldish gets a small commission to help offset our costs of production).Support the Show.Connect with Janet at https://drjanetprice.comYou can email Gregg at gregg@kannoncom.com Gregg wears Tyrol pickleball shoes, the only company that makes shoes just for pickleball. He has been wearing the same pair of Velocity V model shoes for almost a year, and he plays a lot! Click here to purchase Tyrol Pickleball shoes (note, if you purchase Tyrol pickleball shoes after clicking this link Oldish may receive a commission. Thanks for helping to support our podcast!)Comments, suggestion, requests: oldish@kannoncom.comThanks to Mye Kaloustian for the music.
We are always already living in groundlessness. This can be scary since we tend to approach life in a fear-based way, but we can be groundless and focused on our delight. Groundlessness is not linear; it has no direction as we are always moving and changing. Children trust that their needs will be met until we give them a different message. We get into the habit of identifying, and holding onto any identity keeps us stuck. A distinction can be made between figuring ourselves out, which involves digging into the past to understand and fix ourselves, and knowing ourselves, which only takes place in the present. We can't know ourselves if we are tense. We can get to know ourselves when we sit with and accept parts of us that are out of integrity, which allows something to shift. Being grounded takes place in a different place than groundlessness. All of our reactions come from fear of losing something. Every time we make an assumption or comparison, hold a grudge, identify with feelings, try to prove or control something, we “hit the ground.” It's easy to forget that life is magical because we keep hitting the ground. If we get to the point of knowing we have nothing to lose, we can stay in groundlessness. When we rest in the moment, then things show up that we could never imagine. What is life but an unending stream of surprises? Everything changes, which can be good news if we stop grasping. It's common sense to have a plan. We can experiment in life, take a step forward and see if we should take another step or change direction. To be awake is to live in groundlessness. Trusting ourselves is pivotal because without this it's difficult to trust life. It's up to each of us to come to our own conclusions, to come to the truth for ourselves. Juanita is an artist and writer/producer of interactive mystery entertainment who has been a student of the spiritual path for over 35 years.
2023-08-29 I Inquiry I Helplessness Hopelessness Groundlessness I Flint Sparks by Appamada
What is the natural state and how can we get more comfortable with groundlessness, especially in these times? A podcast from Satsang with Shambhavi Curious to find out more about spiritual life, Trika Shaivism, and Shambhavi? Want to know how you can attend live and livestreamed teachings or get started practicing? Visit jayakula.org for lots more media, teachings in mantra and meditation, and Shambhavi's full calendar. You can also find us on Facebook and Instagram @jayakula. Ask to join the private Jaya Kula News Facebook group where we post the Zoom link for attending Satsang with Shambhavi via livestream. If you'd like to help others find these teachings, please rate and review our podcast. Jaya Kula is a community-supported nonprofit organization. You can make a donation at jayakula.org/giving. Thanks for listening! And much love to you, wherever and however you are.
The Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron says, in relation to contemplative practice, “We are being encouraged to remain open to the present groundless moment, to a direct, unarmored participation with our experience… How many of us feel ready to interrupt our habitual patterns, our almost instinctual ways of getting comfortable?” Many of us find the experience of groundlessness to be profoundly uncomfortable, and in the last few years we've experienced this feeling to an accelerated degree, with the changes brought about by the pandemic, the global financial crisis, political unrest, and so on. How do we remain open and view groundlessness as a gift, see the potential inherent in it, and embrace it? Join Tenzin Chogkyi and Mathew Divaris to explore the theme of groundlessness and how to bring it into the spiritual path.
In this episode, Lexman discusses the groundlessness of virology with Peter Wang. They also discuss the role of lymphs in the body.
What does it feel like to connect deeply with the groundlessness that arises during times of anxiety? In this short clip, Reboot Coach and Facilitator Marty Janowitz leads a short meditation practice in compassionate abiding. In this introductory practice, you'll focus on breathwork, sitting with uncertainty, and discovering what it means to reconnect with the cradle of our lovingkindness. Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts! Follow our step by step guides: - How To: Leave a Review on Your Computer: - How To: Leave a Review on Your iPhone: Never miss an episode! Sign up for our newsletter to stay up to date on all our episode releases.
Please enjoy this 30 minute Groundlessness Transmission. Here we will be working with the Divine energies to encode how to transfer your consciousness at the time of death to higher realms. This practice is also called phowa in Tibetan and is known as the transference of consciousness. Use this transmission/meditation to be at peace with death and the many phases of life and the in-between states between incarnations and allow your awareness to touch the clear light or pure awareness state. These in-between states are also known as the bardos in Tibetan Buddhist studies. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/gene-ang/support
Please enjoy this full length class on the 6 Bardos. Below is a description of what we cover in the talk and discussion. What lines of advice, practices, teachings, and books will help me prepare for the death transition and afterlife? This is the question we will explore in this evening class which is also a prelude to the more in-depth training of the Death, Dying, & Afterlife Intensive. We will be exploring 3 broad areas with specific topics in each. These 3 broad areas are 1) meditation practices preparing for death 2) the in-between state and 3) how can I help those who have passed. Meditation Practice Preparing for Death: -What is the subtle body anatomy involved in the death process -What meditation practices should I do on a regular basis to prepare for death -What is the practice of transference of consciousness The In-between (between death and a new rebirth) State: -What are the different in-between states (6 Bardos) -What should one do during each in-between state -What practices can one do to prepare for the in-between state How Can I Help Those Who Have Passed? -What are the best practices for the living to do for those who have passed? -What is the basis of such practices as reading to the dead (i.e. Tibetan Book of the Dead)? -What is soul conduction? How is it done? To learn more about the Arcturian Healing Method please click here --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/gene-ang/support
Embodying Abundance CourseTarot Constellations Teacher Cards WorkshopPamela Colman SmithRachel PollackSupport the Patreon here.Sign up for Sarah's Newsletter here.Sarah's Instagram
Focus: The Logic of Sense – Series 17, 18, and 19 (pages 118-141) Teaching the Enthymeme (Start-4:30) Taste, Enthymemes, and Disrupting Subjectivity (4:30-5:30) Enthymeme and the Syllogism (5:30-7:50) Socratic Irony, Mania, Pedagogy of the Dialogue (8:00-15:45) Romantic Irony; Humor; Individual and Personal; (15:50-37:35) Masters of Ironic Comedy; Vagabond Humorists; Feminism and Bodies (37:40 - 45:00) Heights, Depths, and Surfaces; Ticks (45:05-49:50) Fogged Up Window Panes; Two Ways of Unravelling String; Ticks, again (50:00-57:10) More Ticks; Diogenes; Lines, Planes, and thickness; a Platonism of Surfaces?; Groundlessness of the Surface (57:15-1:09:25) Problems, True and False (1:09:30-1:22:00)
Creativity, Spirituality & Making a Buck with David Nichtern
Welcome back to David's View!This is the second in a series of short episodes where David and producer Michael Kammers sit down to discuss ways that we can apply the principles and practices explored in the CSM podcast and book.In this episode, David and Michael discuss the experience of groundlessness in mindfulness meditation practice - giving context for groundlessness in our practice and how we can work with it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Intro: tracking the weather, gardening, unhelpful aphorisms.Let Me Run This By You: memoryInterview: We talk to Paul Holmquist about making a difference through teaching, learning Laban Movement Analysis, and making career moves in theatre. Plus, a truly horrifying story. FULL TRANSCRIPTSpeaker 1: (00:08)I'm Jen Bosworth from me this and I'm Gina Polizzi. We went to theater school together. We survived it, but we didn't quite understand it. 20 years later, we're digging deep talking to our guests about their experiences and trying to make sense of it all. We survived theater school and you will too. Are we famous yet? How are you? Speaker 2: (00:32)Good. How are you? I'm pretty good. I mean, yeah. I'm I'm the Midwest is going snow. Are you getting snow today? Oh, don't. Oh God. Don't tell me good Lord above. Oh, hell Jesus. Um, I mean, I can not let me put it out into the universe. I cannot handle that. I cannot. Yeah, we're just going to put it out there. Nope, Nope. Nope. It's a big part path. I feel, I feel, um, I feel interested. I'm interested in that. You can, you can be. Yes. You can have a curiosity, curiosity, but I'm not, but I don't want it for the East coast, but just the Midwest, like a lot of stuff. I don't know, like wintery mix is how they put it. Speaker 2: (01:33)Okay. You keep tabs on the weather in Chicago. Yeah, because I'm, I'm really, I have to like really pump myself up that I moved. Like, it helps me to feel like I made the right choice. That's interesting. And um, my people in my family do that people in my family, like every once in a while, every once in a while my mom would call and she'll be like, she'll tell me, she'll say like, is it snowing there? And I'm like, what? She, yeah, every morning my family is obsessed with the weather. Yes I can. My cousin Roxie, she gets all the radars and she's tracking and she knows exactly what's coming this way. I mean, she should be a meteorologist frankly. She totally should have her own show on YouTube. She's a she's. So on top of the weather and my whole family is like that. Speaker 2: (02:23)I think it might be. I mean, it makes sense like that, that would have been handed down if, if it were from farmers, you know, like that would, it wouldn't be a big deal to like being to the weather. I that's like my favorite. Um, the only thing, well, not the only thing, but there was, when I went to, after my dad died, I went to the partial hospitalization program, um, in Highland park hospital. And um, in that time I had a bunch of therapists and some of them were horrible. And what, but one this one young and now looking Speaker 3: (03:00)Back, they were young as hell. There were young therapists and they were probably like, what? In the, uh, anyway, this one therapist said it was a gloomy day. It was a spring gloom or like summer gloomy day. And everyone was like, Oh, this weather. And he said, you know, I just have this story. You know, whenever I, whenever I have the glooms and I feel like, and at the time I thought he was a P an idiot, but he said, when it's I had planned to go to the beach today after our therapy. Right. But now I can't go to the beach and I was just thinking, it reminds me like somewhere I'm, I'm off and depressed and somewhere there's a farmer. That's rejoicing because his life is saved. Oh, Speaker 2: (03:44)Wow. Oh, wow. And Speaker 3: (03:46)I was like, it's great Speaker 2: (03:48)Perspective later. Speaker 3: (03:51)I was like, Oh my God, that is so deep. And this farmer is like dancing because his farm is saved. And I'm like, but you know, and it's not to diminish anyone's pain, but it's also just perspective. Like you said, like perspective somewhere, someone is happy and falling in love for the first time or somewhere, you know, like, Speaker 2: (04:10)Absolutely. And for some reason that also just reminds me of maybe just because talking about Chicago when I was an intern, social work school intern at Northwestern, inpatient, psychiatric, the thick people who worked that, I mean, people who work in psych hospitals are so interesting. Especially if they've been working there for a really long time and this, uh, OT, occupational therapist, guy, Fred Mahaffey. If you're out there, Fred, I love you. You taught me so much. Um, he, he's the person who introduced me to DBT. Um, and I was sitting in his group and he came in and he said, I just got a very upsetting, or I got a very troubling phone call, but I couldn't get into it because I have this group. And so right now, the thing I'm going to practice is, I can't know until I know Speaker 3: (05:06)Fred, you're amazing. Speaker 2: (05:08)Right? I mean, I think about that all the time. You can't know until, you know, which is really so much about worry and anxiety. It's all this worry about the things that we don't know. And sometimes that's appropriate sometimes. Yeah. You should be worried because something terrible is going to happen. And other times you just waste all of the in-between and then it turns out to be nothing. And you've just been tied up in knots for no reason. Speaker 3: (05:32)I am. The more, the older I get, the more I'm I sort of, um, am drawn to, um, Tibetan, Buddhism. And I am reading, I read it every couple years. I read Pema childrens when things fall apart, heart advice for hard times or difficult times. It's brilliant. It's it's saving me in terms of, it goes beyond just don't strangle your hustle. It goes beyond that into life. Has you licked life when life has you licked when you're licked, there is no hope. And that is truly where the new beginning begins. Oh, wow. I can get on board with that because when I, it reminds me of, and they talk a lot about, uh, she talks, Pema talks a lot about, and I'm sure she's not the only one, obviously in Buddhism. Groundlessness how we are. We are grasping for the ground at all times. And there is no ground. Speaker 3: (06:33)Now look, if you're in acute psychiatric distress, this is not a helpful book because it is, I'm not saying that, but if you have some perspective, like we're saying, if you have like, I have, I'm not in acute psychiatric distress, praise God. Um, but once, once you can get stepped back a little bit and see, Oh my, my addiction to hope my addiction to things are going to get better is actually, might not actually be helping me as much as I think that it is. Um, when I'm licked in my life, when I, when life has nailed me is true. And I can admit it is truly when I begin to settle in and good things happen in my life. It's just every time. Wow. Which is why 12 step programs work. Absolutely. Yeah. That's Speaker 4: (07:28)Notion of like clinging always to hope. That's very interesting. I remember this patient. I encountered also when I was in training, I think it was also at Northwestern. I think looking back, she had like low IQ, you know, if you have low IQ and personality disorder, that's a tough combo because a lot of the what's necessary for healing personality disorders, like a great understanding of what you're doing and how she's just so sweet in a way she'd come in. And she had all these aphorisms, she was, and I just got to keep the hope alive and I just got it. And I just got it's tomorrow's another day. And you know, and I w I always pictured her like a leaky bucket. Cause she'd get all filled up, you know, in this group with everything she needed. And then it's like, the minute she passed the threshold of the door, it all just leaked. Right. Speaker 3: (08:28)Oh my God. Speaker 4: (08:29)And I remember thinking like, maybe all these positive messages are actually really not helping her. Cause it's, it's, it's giving a, I don't want to say it's a false hope, but it's like, and I hate this and I've said this on the podcast before. So I apologize for repeating myself, but I hate the good vibes. Only no bad days crew, because it's so unrealistic. And it makes people paradoxically so much more. Speaker 3: (08:57)And I think it makes them enraged. So I think the under for me, what usually yeah, under and under rage is extreme for me is extreme sadness and hopelessness. And, but the rage that comes up w with, you know, life is good. Crew is like, when people don't jive with it, because it's like, if life is good, then dot, dot, dot, wired children murdered. If life is good, then why are police killing? You know, like what are you talking about? And I think that's a spiritual bypass people do. Speaker 4: (09:32)So if I'm going to make an inspirational mug, mine is going to say, life is good dot, dot dot sometimes because it is good sometimes. And then on the other side, life is bad dot, dot, dot. Sometimes like the point is you take the good, when you can get it, Speaker 3: (09:51)[inaudible] burn out. I loved that show. My God loved it. Speaker 4: (10:02)2d on roller skates. I lived and died by T I w I roller skated because her, Speaker 3: (10:08)I was going to say, is that part of your cause you're a roller skater. Yeah. Uh, I was a big Joe fan, Speaker 4: (10:14)Joe. Aha. Yeah, she was cool. She was cool. Hated Blair. Of course, Speaker 3: (10:17)Most people did, Natalie. I felt bad for her Speaker 4: (10:22)For Natalie too. I kind of felt like she wanted her to get off. Speaker 3: (10:27)She was a trope. You know, she was a sad, sad truck. Well, I have been accepted as, uh, an official member of the Myrtle tree climate action team. [inaudible] Speaker 4: (10:41)The name of the group that does your CSA or your, whatever, your Speaker 3: (10:45)It's, the Myrtle tree cafe. They that's where they used to meet before COVID Myrtle. I think put, forgive me. If I say this wrong, a Myrtle tree cafe, climate action team. It's amazing. We're superheroes. That's a crazy, like I'm an official member. So I get a key and an orientation Wednesday, I'm telling you that gardening has really changed and changed my life in terms of my health and, and feeling like I'm doing something for the planet, both it's crazy. It's just gardening. It's not like I'm, you know, Speaker 4: (11:24)But that's what they say. Little acts are revolutionary. Like just being responsible for like learn, learn, even just learning where all your food comes from. And like, that's, that's a smaller Speaker 3: (11:36)Food came from. McDonald's like, I literally thought that that McDonald's was the food source, you know, or Jack in the box. That's not actually what it is. I was going to ask you, what are you going to grow? That's my question for you. Uh, we have Speaker 4: (11:54)Some debates about the things to grow. And mostly I was doing this. I was picking things out with my oldest son and he, he was actually being quite logical about it. He, I wanted to get kale and co and he was like, mom, nobody likes kale, including you, which is really true. And you're the only person who likes Brussels sprouts. And you're the only person who likes cauliflower. Let's get broccoli and bell pepper. And he loves hot things. So we got some jalapenos. And so we got a broccoli, a jalapeno, a bell pepper. And then we have, um, uh, my daughter has, she was really into the seeds thing. She got like a lunch and I don't feel, I feel like none of them are gonna work out, but she got some flowers and Speaker 3: (12:50)Some flowers might they're super hearty. Some flowers might come up and last for about 45 years. So just sunflowers are hurting. Speaker 4: (13:00)You have a great spot for sunflower. So that'd be great. So anyway, so we're just starting like easy peasy because you know, we don't, we've never done it before and we're not sure how it's going to go. So that is one to invest a bunch of money in something Speaker 3: (13:12)We'll do that. And if you have pests that are non, uh, this is so interesting to me when you have like aphids or inch worms or stuff like that. A lot of times, not all the times, I'm learning a lot of times, it means that your soil health is in jeopardy, not the actual plant. This is crazy. So a lot of times pest the TAC plants that aren't doing so well. Anyway, it's so crazy. I never knew that. I thought, Oh, they attack it because they're. Well, no, they might be, there might be an occasional inchworm, you know, like a Trump worm. But, but, but a lot of times pest can tell when the plant, the soil, Speaker 4: (13:55)I'm carrying around a semi with a bit to pay or whatever, Speaker 3: (14:02)There's our chick there's McDonald's McFlurry in one hand. Um, there's our kids show right there. Let me run this by you. Speaker 4: (14:23)I have a thing to talk to you about that is, um, it's kind of a bummer and I'm feeling good. I'm not sure if I should bring it up, but maybe I'll try to have a new perspective about it. Okay. I've had a couple memory slips that have been troubling. Speaker 3: (14:42)Oh, tell me all about, it Speaker 4: (14:45)Was one moment. I just couldn't remember my passcode to my phone. Okay. It came to me a couple of hours later. Okay. But I thought it was this one thing, and then it was Aaron had my phone and he's like, what's your passcode? And I, and I give him this passcode that doesn't work in it. And I'm like, Oh, well, maybe it's. And then all of a sudden it just like vanished. And I really started freaking out, like, yes, I freaked freaking out because, and I think, I think this might be something I inherited from my mother is very concerned about losing her memory. This is like her biggest fear. So whenever she forgets something, she panics and to the point that I feel she doesn't allow for any just normal forgetting of things, which I haven't had that problem berating myself for the normal forgetting things. Speaker 4: (15:44)But that passcode thing freaking like, it just, it just was gone. It was there. And then it was gone. That was one. And the other thing I'm probably going to have a hard time remembering. Um, no, I think actually there, isn't another thing like that. It's just more that I, it's just more that I, you know, because kids have great memories and my kids are constantly telling me, remember when we, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, ah, thankfully I really did. We, did we do that? Is that normal? Or should I start my Gingko biloba? I do so many, a word puzzle. I should have good brains. Speaker 3: (16:19)So what, the first thing that comes to mind is that I know, okay, this podcast right. Is bringing up a lot of memories for people, for us and for people. Okay. I believe that sometimes trauma stored when it comes out or even, even, even all this we're, we're taking in other people's trauma too. Right. That's true. So your mind can only hold so much. So I'm wondering if that also is a response to an overload of other your, and you do all the editing. You do every, you listen and listen. So you're taking it in over and over again. And the, and people were traumatized, you know, not everybody, but a lot of people that we talked to have been traumatized by their experience. So, uh, in college and so, and subsequent and what it meant and all that. So I'm wondering if you're partially it is just a trauma re a response to a lot of information going into your brain. Um, Speaker 4: (17:32)It could be, and as a, as a mother, I do have to remember so many. I mean, honestly, the landscape of what I have to remember is it's astounding. Um, and, and people do say that there's like a fog of motherhood that, you know, you never, you never get it back, but you have an excellent memory. You have an excellent short-term memory. Well, your long-term though. You've struggled to remember things about Speaker 3: (17:59)I never, no, I also never remember your birthday to save my life. Now I have it in my phone. Like, it's just so weird. And it's not just your birthday. I don't remember people. People will tell me my birthday is September 22nd. And I'm like, no, no, it's not. I went so no. So my memory, my memory, I also don't have children, but also, um, I know that, okay. So when my, when my father was dying in the hospital, my memory, I couldn't remember where I parked ever. When I would go visit him at the hospital, I would be sobbing, wandering around the parking lot until one came to pick me up in a little cart and drove me. And he said, the guy said it happens all the time with people visiting loved ones in the hospital, because they're so traumatized. They never remember where they parked, even though I would re I would like, I didn't even write it down, you know? Cause I was so wigged out, but I would say C 14, C four, or whatever it is and no memory after I would visit my father in the ICU. So I just think trauma and, um, or just Speaker 4: (19:10)Even upsetting feelings can Speaker 3: (19:13)Overload, um, listening to other people's stuff. It's it's our brains are not that big. If you think about it's like we have a super, I mean, you know, there's a lot there's and we only use, they say part of it, but I would venture to say, we use more than they say. Um, Speaker 4: (19:28)Yes. I recently read that that's a myth. It's not true that we use 10% of our abuse, all of our brains. I mean, which is not to say that you can, I think what that myth comes from is like, you can expand your, you can flex your muscle, your, the muscle of your brain, you can strengthen it or weaken it. Um, which is why I'm like addicted to doing all these little puzzles. Speaker 3: (19:51)Yeah. I mean, I know that it's scary. So then it's scary. So I had a similar thing where when we came back from, I would have sworn that my code to the locker was we have a locker that has stores are male. It's like, it's really great package lacquer. And I just couldn't for the mine was more like, I just knew in my head it was a number. And so I kept entering it and it was like, no, no, no. And I was like, well, something must be wrong with this machine. I had the wrong number the whole time, but I was convinced that it was this one number. And I'm like, and anyway, I was dumbfounded when I found out it was really this other number. I was like, Speaker 4: (20:29)Yeah. I mean, I, I, now that we're talking about it, I, I do think it's normal, but it's also about aging. It's really hard to separate out. Oh, hang on. My phone is ringing. It's really hard to separate out the things that we should be worried versus the things that are normal. Right. Speaker 3: (20:50)Bought it with my ticker. I'm like, Oh my gosh. You know? And my, my cardiologist is not that worried, but then I get worried. It's just, um, you hit, this is what my in the hospital, what they told me, you hit 40, between 40 and 50. And the check engine light comes on 90% more than it ever does. And you're like, what is happening in what? And, and really what, we're, what I'm asking. Anyway, when I ask these questions of doctors and things is when am I going to die? Am I going to die? Is this going to kill me? And it's not, I'm not like we talk about, I'm not petrified of death. What I'm petrified of is losing control. Right? So I'm really asking, is this going to be something I have no control over? And like at any moment is some weird stuff going to happen to me. And the answer is maybe they don't know, but they, they know more than we do use because of all the schooling and the, and the research. But they, no one can tell you exactly when you're going to die. Speaker 4: (21:50)Dare I say, we can't know until we know always looking to land that plane right back and forth today, Speaker 3: (22:03)I'll tell you about my poop in the backyard story. All right. I was a latchkey kid, as a lot of us were. And my mom was a working mom who, who was very, very type a at times and mean at times. And, uh, woes talks about that. And Lee left my key, lost my key or left it at school or something came home. No key, no way. I was going to walk to my mom's office, which was only eight blocks away because I was petrified because I left my key. I was just going to wait until someone got home. Pretend I had just walked home. It was a whole orchestrated thing app. But then I had to go to the bathroom number two. And I was like, Oh no, what do you do? So a normal person might go to the neighbor's house. Who might, by the way, might've had a key and said, can I use your bathroom? Speaker 3: (22:56)But I was so embarrassed that I had to poop that I didn't. So then I'm waiting and I'm like, I got poop. So then I tried to break in the house by pulling screens out of the basement and I break a window and I'm like, Oh my God. Gosh. So it just, anyway, I ended up pooping in the backyard. Okay. This is rough pooping in the backyard doing my business. It was a whole situation. Uh, and then someone came home and I, I, my, I did my plan as a plan. Right. And did your scene, did my scene? It worked out, people were received really convinced. Don't ask me any of the technical stuff about the pooping, but anyway, so the point not that you were going to, but the, the, the point is then in the middle we're we're having, uh, a fine evening. And then I hear my mom's screaming in the basement. Oh no. She's like someone tried to break in and I don't say anything. This is the thing about fear and shame. I say nothing. They call the police. Speaker 4: (24:03)No. Oh dear. Uh, Oh, this is not good. Speaker 3: (24:07)He's come. And they're like, and I'm petrified. They're going to dust for prints. And then match as only a child who was obsessed with true crime. This was right around the time of America's most wanted and uncle mysteries. And I'm like, Oh my God, how do I get off my fingerprints? I didn't go down that road. I didn't cut myself or hurt myself in any way. Other than my pride and shame, the police are like, well, it, yeah, it looks like someone may have tried to break in, but so then, but they left, but then it didn't end there in the middle of the night, I set my alarm and I went down into the basement and I took the glass, the remaining glass, and I walked three blocks and put it in someone else's garbage so that they could never find my prints again. Speaker 3: (25:03)So I was telling this to a friend and they were like, Whoa, we were unpacking it. And I guess the thing is, I was so ashamed. It was so I was so ashamed of the mom thing, but it manifested in the poop thing. And like, just ashamed that I had needs of any kind or that I would make a mistake or forget something that I went to such lengths to cover it up. And I just, I think we do these things and it just reminds me of like, you know what we always say on this podcast, which is like, you know, it's better to just own up, but when you're a kid and you feel like you're going to die or something terrible is going to happen to you, if you, if you own up to your mistake, you go through such lengths. And I just am not willing to go through those lengths anymore. I just can't do it. I just, it's not worth it. And one of the things Speaker 4: (25:56)Is that we've learned from the people who have almost come on the podcast, but then ultimately said, I can't, it's too painful. Um, we've often had the experience that those people seemed perfectly happy, go lucky, et cetera. So, so, so we, as humans are constantly berating ourselves, like you say, for having needs, for having bad experiences, to the point that we won't share with anybody that we're having a bad experience, which of course makes us feel worse, more lonely, more isolated, more helpless, more hopeless. Um, so that, Speaker 3: (26:37)You know, it's almost like Speaker 4: (26:39)The dam, the dam breaks you, you, you can only shove or, or the image of the closet. You can only shove so many things in the closet. And one day you open up the closet and it just can't take it anymore. And it all comes spilling out. And it's understandable. I'm not saying that people should, you know, I'm not saying that it should be any other way than it is. I'm just saying, I guess what I'm really saying is if you're 25 and listening to this, and you're a person who's hiding all of your things, just ask yourself, what is it, what am I hiding? What am I really afraid of? And like, try to tease it out. Is this something you should really be ashamed about or afraid of sharing with other people? Because it's probably not that big of a deal. Speaker 3: (27:24)No, it's not worth it. It's not, usually it's not worth it now. I don't know. You know, for me, it has not been worth it. So I was thinking about that story, just the gymnastics. I went through the physical gymnastics. The, I could have cut myself on the glass, like what in the, but it just, it's a deep thing. And I was telling a friend that, and she was like, Whoa, this is so deep. So is it that you're Speaker 4: (27:49)Thinking because your mom is type a or you thinking she's, she's the kind of person who's definitely going to try to get to the bottom of this and would, would raise, would get to the point where she would be asking somebody to dust for fingerprints. Speaker 3: (28:06)It was more like, it was more like trying to put that floating Molly bolt shelf into the wall that, and the whole, it just, the story of my childhood was whenever I was doing the best I could. But whenever I, I would try to keep it all together. The whole would get bigger and bigger and no one would help me out of the hole. I think that's the other part is that I had to do everything by myself and that my mother would ultimately say, what is wrong with you? You should have X, Y, and Z. So instead of facing that shame, I just tried to do it on my own and it never worked ever, ever, never, ever. So I think, yeah, I think it's the fact of I was alone and I just kept making things worse because I didn't know. I couldn't, I didn't feel like I could share with anybody. So it's like at some point you got to step back from the hole in the wall and say, I'm licked. This has got me. I need to ask for a mechanic. A handy has, I don't even know a handyman to help, not a mechanic. Speaker 4: (29:12)The thing that also that, that tends to do in people, um, when they feel like they can never ask anybody for help is they can never develop intimate relationships with people because you, you, if you can never trust that. So when were you first in your life, was it with miles that you were first able to have real intimacy that you would just be yeah. Trust him too. Speaker 3: (29:34)Yeah. That needs to not go away to not leave, to not be like, Oh my God, you forgot your key. I'm never talking to you. You know, whatever it is. That was really, so I, that was, I was 30. I mean, come on. I mean, 30 years old, 30 years of not trusting. So it's really interesting. That takes a toll on your ticker. I'm telling you right now, you take a toll on your ticker. Um, yeah. So just, just a little, a light, poop story to wrap it up today. It's all, it's all, frankly, it's all poop stories. It's all food stories, right? At the end of the day, it's all, it's all shame Speaker 5: (30:19)Today on the podcast, we talk with Paul Holmquist Paul home quiz. We went to school with back in the day and after we graduated, he continued to be a theater actor for many years, and then transitioned into directing for the stage. At a couple of years ago, he felt he really wanted to make a difference. And he decided to become a high school English teacher, which is what he does now, in addition to being an artist he's thoughtful and kind his stories really were moving. And I'm so grateful that he decided to speak with us. So please enjoy our conversation with Paul home quit. This is my second year. I just joined the profile. Very new. You just became a teacher two years ago. Speaker 3: (31:06)Oh, that's cool. Where do you teach? Speaker 6: (31:08)Yeah, I teach at a South side, Chicago vocational high school called shop, uh, Chicago vocational career Academy. It's down by the Skyway. Like if you're driving down the Skyway, there's a giant, looks like a Batman villain, hideout. That's Chicago vocational. Speaker 3: (31:25)And so did you, um, how come you made that career shift? Yeah. Tell us all about it. Tell us all about it Speaker 6: (31:34)Is it's okay to talk politics. Sure. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, uh, you know, when Trump got elected, I was like, I gotta do something different and I don't quite know what it is, but maybe I could teach high school English because I have a background in theater, but it just seemed like maybe I need to do something because I was working a really great day job for like 15 years that had benefits in it, fairly decent salary, allowing me to do theater and stuff. But once the election hit, it was just felt like something I needed to change something. I was not very satisfied with. Um, you know, there was like no growth at my day job. What was that job? Uh, admin administrative assistant position at, at, uh, Columbia college. So I was still kind of close to the artistic community while I was working there. Speaker 6: (32:23)But, um, I had kind of a neurotic boss and I was there for 15 years and there was no, like, there was no growth. I'd kind of plateaued there. Um, and I wasn't making a difference anywhere, so it felt like I needed to do something. So I was like, I'm going to become a high school English teacher. Wow. Uh, so I went back to DePaul. I became a double demon and I that's what they call it. That's what they call it. Um, so I went to the college of education and got a master's, uh, there Speaker 2: (32:54)That's so great. Uh, education is a fantastic way to make a difference. Speaker 6: (33:00)Yeah. It's um, and it's, uh, a good segue from the, uh, from the theater work. I mean, there's, there's a lot of parallels Speaker 2: (33:09)Say, uh, beans. Didn't say her usual opening. Congratulations, Paul Holmquist you survived theater school. Speaker 6: (33:17)I'm still here to tell the tale. Speaker 2: (33:18)I want to be a double demon. I love this phrase. I think we should use it all ways. Even if you didn't get two degrees from DePaul, I feel I'm a double demon because I spent so much time talking about school. Speaker 6: (33:31)Right? You got a master's degree in the theater school after going to the funeral, Speaker 2: (33:35)By the way, I have masters in processing your theater school education. Speaker 6: (33:40)My I've been listening to your podcast now. And I had, I actually had to take a break before for the last week or else I'd be too neurotic about what I was going to say too, but I really find this podcast to be so personally helpful. Like I find it's like, it feels like a, like a group therapy kind of process, but protracted where Rouge taking turns, but hearing other alum, just talk about what they experienced. I was like, Holy cow, I'm not alone. I had similar experiences and wow. Wow. Speaker 2: (34:14)What's, what's an example of something that really resonated with you. Speaker 6: (34:18)Hm. Well, I guess I, I thought this is coming off of hearing, uh, interviews from, from friends like Bradley Walker and Eric Slater is I thought those upperclassmen guys had it all together. You know, Lee, Lee, Kirk, I thought these guys were like, just had just knew what they were going for and knew what they were doing. They just seemed so successful. And I was felt like, you know, like I was flailing along, trying to find my way. It's so great to hear that, um, to hear, uh, Bradley talk about his, uh, coin tricks with, with such despair, like as if it, but on my end, I thought he was the coolest dude. Like he had this cool thing and Slater was so awesome. Like, I didn't know he was insecure. Like all, I've just, all of that stuff is really, really great. Speaker 2: (35:10)I, I think that's, I mean, obviously that's part of why, why I think we do it is, is, is to, um, facilitate some kind of, if not healing, cause that's a kind of lofty word, but some kind of let's not go there, but, but, um, understanding or comradery in the fact that we all, um, went through this thing, it's true. And most people felt like an outsider. Most people. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I want to be like, if you're, if you're in theater score right now, spoiler alert, everybody look around you, the person on your right and bruise on your left. They also feel the same way you do. Uh, but unfortunately we cannot say that at the time because we're busy, like trying to seem like we have it all together. That's, that's a common thing. And there is also a little bit of like, you don't want to admit weakness in theater school, except at the exact moment you need to access it for a scene that you're in. Speaker 6: (36:10)Well, I, and it really it's. It strikes for me the difference between being an MFA and being a BFA is coming in as an adolescent. Like you're still in developmental processes that haven't resolved while you're going through this, you know, self-reflective, um, w all the body stuff, uh, that comes up, and that was so fascinating to hear that it came up for other people too. Like all of that stuff is part of while we're in the process of personality development to have to be under fire from these artists, from the seventies who have different politics and strange ideas, Bob Dylan taught us. Speaker 2: (36:52)Yeah, exactly. So, but when you were doing your day job, um, that you left work, you were doing theater at night. Is that what, Speaker 6: (37:02)Yeah. Um, I mean, for the past, like 20 years, I've, I've directed and acted in shows, um, pretty regularly. Yeah. Yeah. Speaker 2: (37:12)And w um, did you have like a, a place where you mostly hung out a theater company that you were a part of, Speaker 6: (37:18)Right? Yeah. So right after college, um, I didn't really hook up with a theater company, but that seemed to be the, the way for Chicago actors to go after graduation was to like either link up together or link up with another theater company to start. And I, I remember because the timeline was so new then, um, and I did a show with them, like their second show that Barry Burnett directed. And, um, and I had a feeling in my, I had like this investment in my heart, like, okay, I'm going to be a timeline guy regret. I'm going to join up with PJ. And, and we're, I'm going to be a part of that Juliet and be a part of that group. And it didn't pan out that way. I ended up, um, kind of gravitating up into Andersonville, working with the Griffin theater where another, uh, DePaul alumni and Rick Barletta was, uh, artistic director. Speaker 6: (38:11)Um, he was a good minimal director, Goodman train director. Um, so I still stuck with some DePaul people, um, kind of grew up with the Griffin theater. And then, uh, in 2006, I joined lifeline theater, which is up here in Rogers park, uh, where I live. So it comes through from where I live and I've been there since we do literary adaptations, um, all original plays. And, uh, so I've had the pleasure of directing amazing stuff, like the count of Monte Cristo and Frankenstein and the Island of Dr. Moreau and, um, you know, British murder mysteries and a wide range of really cool. Speaker 2: (38:49)Fantastic. How did you go? So you started directing then. So how did you bridge that situation? Speaker 6: (38:55)I, I, yeah, I kind of, well through my, a little bit of set up here. So through my day job, I got, um, trained in Laban's movement analysis, which is a movement theatrical, physical expressional, expressionistic movement, modality. It's kinda like, um, I don't know if you remember, Patrice did stuff with us about, uh, punch and float, like dad, that kind of stuff. So, um, through the department I was working for, I was able to get a graduate certificate in this modality for free, and I wanted to apply it to my own acting. And so I, I was doing, I was playing a cat in a, uh, in a, in a young adult show called Angus thongs. And full-frontal, snogging at, uh, at Griffin theater. I played, I played Angus. I had no lines, but I was a cat and I was doing all this physical stuff. Speaker 6: (39:53)And I was getting to know through that production, um, a lot of the, uh, uh, main players that lifeline, because they were doing a lot of the design on this show and kind of getting to know them and having a good rapport with them. They're designers not, um, are not, uh, acting, directing people. Um, but I've developed a good rapport with them. And that kind of started to introduce me to the people at lifeline. And eventually they invited me to direct a kid's show, um, just as an experiment. And I tried directing, uh, Ricky ticky TAVI, and that became a great success. Um, and then after that, my first, actually my first main stage show was, uh, the Island of Dr. Moreau, which was a 90 minute immersive, violent horror piece. So I like, I right away jumped into something that was really bizarre and, uh, unusual. And since then, it's been just a blast. I mean, I get to get a lot of creative freedom. Speaker 2: (40:51)I have to ask you a question. I recently have heard this term all over the place immersive. And I don't, if I knew what it was previously, I, it, it didn't drop in because when I think of immersive, I think like you go to a haunted house, Speaker 6: (41:09)Right? No. Right, right. I guess I think of immersive as be like a full sensory experience, as much as possible. And, um, you know, in storefront theaters, especially places like lifeline, where you can have entrances surround the audience, you can really have the sense of like an actor's right next to you that, and they're acting like an animal breathing in your ear and it creates a sort of sense of tension. I'm going back 20 years. And I'm thinking about this show, but that's what I think of an immersive theater. People might think of it as like you're wandering around from room to room. You're more interactive like that, I guess. Speaker 2: (41:47)Yeah. It's I saw cats on Broadway in the eighties. It was him. Cats came right next to me. So that was immersive. Okay. Thank you. Thank you for clarifying that because, uh, I, I thought it was one of those things, like I felt it was, it was too dumb to ask about. Okay. So where you, Speaker 6: (42:06)Uh, I'm from upstate New York. I'm from the Rochester New York area, a little suburb called Webster. Speaker 2: (42:12)Okay. And, um, but you have not ever returned there after school. You stayed in Chicago. You've been in Chicago, stayed in Chicago. Okay. Yeah. Did you grow up acting? Speaker 6: (42:22)Uh, yeah, I thought of this, of course. Like, I think it was around fourth grade that I was in my first school play and it felt like, um, uh, people liked what I was doing and it was, it was one of those, like I'm coming into my own. I'm like 10 years old, starting to figure out, you know, think about who I might want to be identity wise. And that seemed to, um, to work for me now, then when I changed schools in seventh grade, I was shy. I was never really athletic or, um, I picked up the trumpet, but I wasn't a great musician, you know, but I got a lot of great response when I did theater work. And that just kind of, uh, that's what grew, you know, you gravitate towards those things where you get the positive feedback Speaker 2: (43:12)That is. Did you have, did you have one of those intense, uh, like high school drama? I know you said you've listened to some of the podcasts. You've probably heard tell if some character, uh, teachers from high school. Speaker 6: (43:25)I had a wonderful drama person who was not, we had no drama classes. We did not take any acting classes or have any, any sort of immersion like that. We just did two shows a year, a play and a musical. And, um, uh, so you just hung out at the club and, and picked up what you picked up. But my drama teacher, she knew that I was serious and there was a, uh, a guy who's a year ahead of me in college who ended up going to Tisch, um, a year ahead of me in high school. I ended up going and he and I were, we did a two man show called the greater tuna. Can I show you something real quick? Hold on. I was like, tuna is hilarious. That's from greater China. So this is Mark and I in costume playing all of our different characters in high school. Speaker 2: (44:21)Amazing. Wow. That's some production value. Speaker 6: (44:28)So that's a high school. It's a two man show. Uh, multicharacter, it's kind of like mystery of Irma VEP where, you know, you run off stage and you change costume real quick and come back on. So Mark and I, we took, uh, our acting kind of seriously. We took ourselves somewhat seriously as actors. Um, and, uh, Tish was definitely on my list when I was looking for colleges. Speaker 2: (44:51)Well, yeah. How'd you end up at DePaul. I love the, the choosing stories or how they choose. Speaker 6: (44:57)Um, yeah, totally. So, uh, Tish, uh, I was accepted at Tisch and I even got a little money at Tisch, but they accepted me into the experimental theater wing and I had no idea what that was and it didn't seem like me. I mean, I had grown up in kind of a cul-de-sac of a suburb, you know, with very limited exposure to what experimental theater might even be. So, but DePaul just felt like so nice. I came to DePaul after, uh, visiting New York city and then auditioning there. And, um, so I auditioned at DePaul in the theater school building with Dave [inaudible]. He wouldn't remember that he was in my audition group, but I remember him in his cutoff jeans and his Janice chocolate. T-shirt very well. I was so enamored with him because he seemed so, um, organic. Whereas I was at wearing a black mock turtleneck and black jeans and slicked back hair, and I was trying to be very artistic. I was also in the middle of playing Tevya in a Fiddler on the roof in high school, the most Arion Tevya Speaker 2: (46:10)Well, you probably didn't have any Jews in your high school Speaker 6: (46:14)If I, yeah. I don't know if we did. They probably weren't involved in the theater department as much as I want. Yeah. So it was like, uh, I was coming in there trying to be a serious artist and I saw David, um, and I didn't know him, you know, at all. I was just seeing him for the first time. And I was like, this is wild. This is what I want to get into. So part of what inspired me was John Jenkins leading the, uh, audition, which I thought he was just a brilliant guy and watching David and the audition made me feel like I want to be there. Speaker 2: (46:46)Does he know that now? You we'll have to tell him to listen to this one. You just remind, I guess we haven't really ever talked boss, correct me if I'm wrong. Have we ever talked about the fact that we did part of the audition all together in the same room? Is that what you're talking about? Like the thing, Speaker 6: (47:07)So John, I remember this so vividly, uh, John had us doing a scenario where we were, um, a Hunter in a forest and we were going to like walk along one side of the wall and the animal that we're hunting does a diagonal cross across the room. And we chase after it and halfway through crossing the room, we leak like the animal is supposed to mimic the animals. And part of the crossing, like the hunting, we were supposed to step on rocks in a stream or something like that to cross it. And I was just like, Oh, you know, I had everything planned out. I remember overthinking it very much, but also like being in line, waiting your turn, you're observing how other people are doing it. And this is, this is where David really comes in because when he left like that animal, he seemed to take air in the room, uh, because he was Unbound by his own, you know, insecurity or at least that's the way I interpret it. Wow. I'm really, do you find David kind of funny? Speaker 2: (48:05)That's okay. It's okay. So you said taking yourself seriously and overthinking ding, ding, ding. These are things I really relate to. These are near and dear to my heart. What is your journey then of taking yourself seriously? And, you know, like, has there been any Speaker 6: (48:22)Evolution or moving on that, like, you're going to think I'm nuts for saying this, but I swear that the show has helped in a little way. So I feel like I'm still in a process of recognizing what my expectations were, you know, for myself and my career. How did those change was and how w how was I influenced to change my ideas about that? And where am I now? Like, what do I want for myself now as an artist? And then how has that shifted, uh, that, so I've done a lot of processing on those because I am in therapy and I have been for a while, but also your show has really helped also turn some pages for me. So, thanks. Speaker 2: (49:01)So welcome believably. Wonderful. Thank you. That's very touching. I just want it. So in terms of taking yourself seriously, I feel like there that's a way to go. I took myself. It was like, I had such self-centered fear that I didn't take myself seriously, but I took my fear really seriously, of the, of, of being at school. You know, it was different. I wish I had taken myself seriously as an artist, but really what I did was just dive right into my shame and feeling. I just really did a deep dive into that. And so I'm wondering, how did you learn to take you're like, I know we're saying like, taking ourselves seriously can be kind of a, it can be, um, an Achilles heel, but also like, did you just, were you just born with like, yes, I'm an artist and here I am at school? Speaker 6: (49:52)No. I mean, I think that what started up school was using alcohol and drugs to keep myself from feeling that kind of fear and insecurity. So, um, you know, going at school, going to classes with kind of a boldness and an energy while also fighting a little bit of a hangover, or maybe still maybe, maybe coming to class a little high, you know, that helped a lot. Now, there you go. That makes, and then, and it all fit in with taking myself seriously as an artist because artists drink get high all the time. You would talk about apartment, what was it through your car? And like, you know, we're going to get high and we're going to do space out there at work. Like I'm a serious artist, you know, I can really feel the weight of my space objects when I am stone. Speaker 2: (50:47)You guys, do you ever wonder, like, is that, do you think that's still part of the college? I guess it probably is. It's probably still very much a part of the college experience, Speaker 6: (50:57)Right? Yeah. I don't think drugs will ever stop being or anything that's illegal is going to stop. Speaker 2: (51:03)It's just that we T we talked to somebody last week who is at the theater school now he's graduating this year and I didn't ask him, but I wanted to know, like, so, like, what's the, I mean, he's talked very wonderfully about the experience of, of being an actor at the school, but I also kind of wanted you to like, what's the whole social scene. I want it to be like, where you like me drinking Mickey's forties, big mouth and peeing on school property, but I didn't ask him, but I did not ask that because I thought, yeah, he probably, he might not have wanted to say in any case in it. Speaker 6: (51:41)Well, um, my wife is on faculty there now, so she teaches, she teaches movement there now. And I've been back a couple of times that directed an intro there, and I've done some guest lecturing there. So I've been back in the new building and the old building before it was torn down. So I've kind of maintained some ties to the theater school over the years. Um, and I don't think, I think the students, the student experience has changed just because the times have changed so much, you know, and the, the, um, but, and I think they're a little bit more savvy than perhaps we were, they don't do the God squad parties, but I think they still probably have some form of God squad, but it's not the like, Speaker 2: (52:26)Right. That's probably for the best, you know, I was going to say the person we interviewed that is at the theater school, talked about your wife and said that one of the reasons that he loved the audition process was, or when he went, he took, I think, a movement class with her and, and that he talked about her. So anyway, we're coming full circle here. It's real crazy. Speaker 6: (52:47)That's great. And it's so fun to hear these stories too, and to talk about them with Christina, because she's working with Phyllis and Patrice, uh, she worked with John, she worked with John Bridges. She's, you know, she knows these people, so they're, and so that history is still living, you know, sensory still. Yes. Speaker 2: (53:03)So what did you, so you got this movement training and Oh, and you with it, you taught that's, that's Speaker 6: (53:10)A little bit of teaching that way. Okay. Speaker 2: (53:12)Sorry. Did you say where you were teaching that Speaker 6: (53:15)Columbia at Columbia college, Chicago, but not in the theater department. It was through this other, uh, graduate, uh, arts therapy department that I was working. Oh, okay. Speaker 2: (53:26)So now that there's no more cuts system there, isn't this a direct connection between the theater school and Columbia, because yeah. Speaker 6: (53:35)You don't have a feeder college going into going into the code base. Right. Speaker 2: (53:38)Is it still a very robust acting program there? Speaker 6: (53:41)Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And, um, and still has that sort of scrappy energy, um, you know, Sheldon, I think really established, uh, um, um, uh, pathos around that place around that building and that program that still continues. Speaker 2: (53:59)Um, I was going to ask you while you were at the, the good old theater school, I remember you as being a musical theater guy. Am I making that up? Were you a big movie musical theater guy? Speaker 6: (54:11)I, yeah. I loved love to sing. Absolutely. And yeah, and Vanessa was more of the singer, but she and I would do, um, we were in that, uh, Michael Maggio, Keith redeem musical, the perpetual patient then Clemente was the lead in that, um, was that your final year? Maybe that was, yeah, it was after you got, Speaker 2: (54:34)But I was there. I remember. Yeah. Okay. So perpetual paste, that was a musical. Did you say Michael Maggio wrote it? Speaker 6: (54:41)Uh, Keith redeem wrote it. It was an adaptation of the imaginary invalid. So it was an adaptation of whole year made into a musical that, um, uh, um, Oh my gosh, Mike [inaudible], um, Mark Elliott Elliott wrote the music for Mark Elliot with the music for Keith redeem, did the script and the lyrics and Maggio directed. So Keith came to, uh, some of our rehearsals, um, because Keith and Michael had a relationship. So I got a lot of scripts autographed that day. Speaker 2: (55:16)How cool. So what are, what are some other roles that you loved or didn't Speaker 6: (55:24)Right, right. Um, well, working with Michael, I think were the two roles that really helped me understand myself as a character actor, I, where I did a missile Alliance, which Eric spoke about. Um, and I provided you one of the pictures of me, all the pictures of me have a mustache attached to them seem to be my go-to, but yeah, being, uh, being in an Ms Alliance and playing a character role in that with a kind of a goofy dialect and silly physicality and extreme stakes and working with like Tim Gregory and, uh, you know, Louise Rosette and Eric and all these Ellen and all these great people. Like I was, I was a junior and it was my, it was the fall of my junior year and I was on the main stage. And I remember that being like, that was pretty prestigious. That was pretty cool. Um, yeah, I'll, I'll probably forget that show so that one, and I would say perpetual patient were both really big for me in regards to embracing my character actor stuff. Speaker 2: (56:32)Anything, anything that you weren't so pleased about? Speaker 6: (56:37)Um, gosh, I mean, going, even going back to intros, I tried to, you know, you try to make the most out of everything, even when I had like, um, a, like a walk-on role in something you try to, you ever hear the story about, um, Betsy Hamilton said the story about Don Elko and she saw him on stage once he was the third speared carrier to the left. And she, that he was so memorable in that role with no minds. And I remember her saying this, like, you can make anything out of, you know, if you working with the director. So I always try to make something out of the roles I was in. I remember Jenkins saying to me, after we did bombing Gilliad as an intro, and he had Joseph Cora and I flipped roles halfway through the play where Joe played the lead, the first half of the play. And then I played a double lead, like seconds before he got shot. And like, it was so hard to get into that role and to like, try and feel like I'm that character in the moment that I know I'm about to die. And like, that was really hard. And John apologized for that, but that was, that's the only regret. Speaker 2: (57:46)Did he do that? Because it made sense for the player. He was just trying to get people more staged. Speaker 6: (57:52)Yeah. I think that's the, you know, the sort of unspoken rule of the intros. It's like, you want to give everyone some kind of equal some sort of equal, but I was happy playing the role of the coffee shop owner in the first half in the first act. I would've stuck with that. That was fine with me. Speaker 2: (58:12)What about, did you have, uh, or do you have, now I know you are very interested in movement, but like other tendencies then, or now writing, um, I guess directing, you've done some of w are there other areas of the craft that maybe you wish you could have explored more than? Speaker 6: (58:34)Yeah. So voiceover is something that I, I was interested in since I was an adolescent, since I was young. I really love voiceover. Do you remember when I was in college and we had a voiceover instructor, she was like a friend of Susan leaves who came in for a quarter. She said to me, uh, the age of radio is over. You don't really have a place in this business. She was, she was all about the kind of a raspy, vocal fry, female voice that was popular at the time. So she was really promoting those female voices and was basically like, you need to take a back seat. I'm sorry. The age of radio is over. You're not going to have a place in this business. And I took seriously because I was 19. I was like, Oh. And so since then, I, I have experienced the, uh, repercussions of that, even though I'm looking intellectually aware of it, like trying to get into the voiceover business, I'm hobbled. Like I can't push through the difficult first months of trying to establish something. I can't get through that point. So I, I just kinda gave up on that. I liked the sound of my voice. Speaker 2: (59:52)Oh, I'm so surprised. You're not a voiceover actor that I, in fact, back in my mind, I think I assumed that you did voiceover, but wait, what are you, I'm trying to understand what you're saying. You're saying that you, when you try to establish yourself, you find yourself like undoing it or, or, or you feel that the hurdles are insurmountable. Speaker 6: (01:00:13)Well, I, I w whenever I've tried to get started, I feel like there's, and this is the thing with being a white guy, I think is like, there's way too many of me. I don't think that I have that much uniqueness to offer, to upset the business and become something that I, you know, to add something to the community. So at this point, I feel like now at first I was hobbled with the age of radio was over. And now I feel like I'm feeling a little like, well, I guess I don't really have anything new to bring to voiceover. I would just be really impersonating the guys that came before me. Um, so maybe that's believing some of what was told to me when I was an adolescent a little bit, and also kind of reckoning with, you know, just where we're at as a society right now. And as a culture right now, maybe it's a mix of both, but it's really nice. Speaker 2: (01:01:07)So the age of radio has never been over. Right. Cause then, right. Speaker 2: (01:01:16)It's also not true. So, so what I, what, what sticks out to me is that when we're 19 and these people in power say things like that, the repercussions hear me. Now, if you are an instructor of some kind, they ripple out until you are 45 years old, and you are still dealing with them. Now, I'm not saying they did it on purpose. Maybe some people did, but it's harmful. And so I think, I think it's. And I also think that I want you to meet my voiceover agent. And I also think that, that I, um, I just didn't shocked at what we say. And Gina and I talk about this because Gina has kids. I don't, but just that what we say matters to people and you have kids, and what we say matters to people, um, more than we could ever know, it drives me insane when I hear stuff like that. Um, because I've heard it too stuff, and it's not fair. And we were 19 and you have a fantastic voice and you're kind, that's the other thing it's like, you can hear the kindness in your voice, and I'm so serious, and we need that in this industry. So that's all I'll say on that. Get off my box. But man, Speaker 6: (01:02:28)Thanks for saying that. But I want to say something too, about what you were saying with the messages. There was something that I'll say his name. You can edit it out later, said to me in his office one day and I'm surprised, I bet there's a lot of stories. Speaker 2: (01:02:42)Oh yes. We believe his name on the regular. Speaker 6: (01:02:47)So he had me in his office. Uh, I think it was like sophomore year, like second year and he's, and I was sitting in his office and he said, all right, get up. Mike stood up. And he said, turn around. I turned around in a circle and said, no, turn your back to me. I turned my back to him. He was still sitting down and I was standing and he slapped me on the, both cheeks. He said, this is getting too big, sit down. And I sat down. He said, if you're going to get anywhere, you have to lose some weight. Your is getting too big. Speaker 2: (01:03:24)Oh my God, I'm sorry. That happened to you. Speaker 6: (01:03:32)Well, you know what I feel like at that time, and I've talked about this story a lot, but after listening to your show, I've been thinking about it more. Like, I feel like what he was trying to do. I think what he was trying to do, if I assume the best is he thought that that was the form that I needed to fit in order to be successful. You know? Like, and I, and when I was looking at my headshot and said, that's your, uh, can I come move your casting couch for your headshot? I was like, yeah, awesome. This is cool. I'm going to be the sexy young guy. Right. Um, but that wasn't me. And I didn't know that that wasn't me. I wanted it to be me. Speaker 2: (01:04:13)Sure. Of course you did. You want it to be liked and loved and picked and worked and feel Speaker 6: (01:04:17)And sexy and cool and stuff, you know? So I want it to fit those molds. I want it to lose the weight. I want it to be the casting couch guy. I wanted to be, you know, I wore a leather jacket with the collar, pop to my hair, you know, the sideburns and the Urim and stuff. And I did the whole thing. Um, and I went to LA and I went to meetings, but my personality isn't that. So I didn't follow through on the expectation. Speaker 2: (01:04:45)You didn't know who you were because people were helping you to say, this is who you should be. And it really, probably somewhere inside you were like, no, no, I can't just like, if you're not. Yeah, it makes perfect sense. How can you show up at 21 or 22 at meetings with adult people that are trying to, that want you to sell certain things? And in your core, something about your being is like, this isn't, this isn't me. It's going to not work out. Speaker 6: (01:05:12)I spent money on a really slim fitting, nice suit, you know, good sunglasses walked into the meeting trying to feel like, yeah, I'm this, I'm the sexy guy. That's gonna solve all your Hollywood PR problems. But I couldn't hold a conversation because I didn't have the confidence, you know, despite the cost, Speaker 2: (01:05:30)I wouldn't even know why, how could you have confidence when people are telling you you're too fat, you need to do this and you're, or, or you're you're yes. You're headed in the right. Speaker 6: (01:05:39)Right. Speaker 2: (01:05:40)You guys, I just feel so sick to my stomach about that story. And I, I, part of what makes it, so, um, sickening is that, I mean, he touched it, but he also, he made you turn around something about that is like, it just really is hitting me right in the center of my chest, because how dare you? How dare you. Speaker 6: (01:06:03)It was so vulnerable. You know, it was a really vulnerable moment. And I feel like we, we put ourselves in vulnerability with our, with our teachers in that, in that Mel you right in the conservatory program, um, whatever, the modality of art that you're studying, you're in a really vulnerable place for experiments. And you're putting stuff out there that represents you. Speaker 2: (01:06:26)That's right. And, and, and so like for anybody in college, probably the experiences, uh, that child has had pretty much the same set of people, their whole life, reflecting back to them who they are. And then you don't know this, but part of why you go to college is to have other people reflect back to you who you are, so that you can figure it out and decide which one, and which is why we all do that. So many. And in high school too, like trying on personalities and trying to see what's going to fit. And then in theater, it's like, you're trying to do that. You are receiving messages from people about how you're perceived, but then you're also being asked to be open, to be anything new. It's just so tricky and dangerous. And, and, and there are so many billions of ways that, that self-image can be, uh, splintered, right? Some of them might be good, but a lot of them are really not Speaker 6: (01:07:29)Well in the highest value that we bring into the classroom is our vulnerability, right. Being, being as open and open, open, open, open, open, and neutral as possible, right. Ego lifts is try to be as equal as possible. So we're so receptive Speaker 2: (01:07:45)Were so receptive and were so fragile. You know, people are fragile. We're also fragile. It's like, I just, I I'm just always shocked at how quickly someone will, someone can, um, crumple a child. [inaudible] the episode that era's today is the one with Erica who mentioned you she's she's actually, when, when we interviewed her, she said, have you talked to Paul? Yeah. And also she's the reason that week. I think I called your email. You sorry, later that day. Um, but Oh my God, I just lost my train of thought something Erica said maybe about, about the theater school. She said a lot. Oh no. We were talking in today's episode in the first part about, Oh, victim impact statements. That's what it was. We were talking about victim impact statement. Ooh, we should w maybe we can't do it in real life, but we could write a play where students gave their victim impact statements to their teachers. Speaker 2: (01:08:47)Right? Like you had the opportunity kind of like in defending your life, you have this long, it's not really like fighting in life, but you have, you get this kind of council of teachers. And then everybody who was their student, if a toxic teachers can come in and say, this is what you did, probably you didn't mean to probably no teacher would say what I really wanted Paul to do was, uh, never consider voiceover, even though that's what he totally wanted to do. She wouldn't have said, she thought she was doing, you're such a favor. Speaker 6: (01:09:18)Right, right. You'll waste your time. Speaker 2: (01:09:21)That's what it is. They think they're saving you from the humiliation that then they're reflecting on the moment that they're second. They think they're saving you. And really they're, they're slowly killing you. I mean, like it's real in a way it's real. Speaker 6: (01:09:36)Hmm. This feels like a non-sequitur, but I want to follow it. So, Gina, I know that you directed under milkweed. Uh, I also directed under milk. Um, we, we rehearsed at the theater building in the courtyard and so really had a strong connection to production of that play in school so much so that I really wanted to recreate that experience for another audience. Was that your experience too? Yes. Yeah. So he can't all be the devil because that play was so beautiful that it touched me. I mean, it moved me for the rest of my life, you know, and that came from him and his heart. So there was something about like, I really trusted him because he was so earnest and passionate about the capital T truth. So I fed, I thought that I totally bought into that. And I believe that he believed it. Speaker 2: (01:10:35)Dude, if we could interview him, he would probably have stories that would, you know, make your hair stand on, end about what people said to him or what people did to him. I mean, that's what we find. Right. And then his teacher would say, they literally beat me on the side of the head when I did something wrong. It's just this thing. It's just like what the, the traumatization is almost like an absolute value. Hopefully, hopefully not forever. Um, just the onl
This lecture discusses key ideas from the 20th century philosopher and social critic, Lev Shestov's work All Things Are Possible It focuses specifically on his treatments of radical contingency and of "groundlessness", including how we might approach both of them philosophically To support my ongoing work, go to my Patreon site - www.patreon.com/sadler If you'd like to make a direct contribution, you can do so here - www.paypal.me/ReasonIO - or at BuyMeACoffee - www.buymeacoffee.com/A4quYdWoM You can find over 1500 philosophy videos in my main YouTube channel - www.youtube.com/user/gbisadler Purchase Shestov's All Things Are Possible - https://amzn.to/2RLL4ae
Feeling groundless is common when there is a great deal of instability in the world or in our personal lives. At such times, our attention may be heightened so that all suffering people are felt as our companions. We can bodily experience the need for the world to cherish feminine qualities of receptivity and compassion, and we may also discover within ourselves a greater capacity for letting go. Nachama is a physical therapist, editor, and musician who for seventeen years was a member of the Shri blues band which performed Western Baul music.
Here's what's happening, we are all experiencing a collective loss. How do we say yes to this? How do we trust that we are expansive enough to integrate and be a part of even this moment?
This talk is about how we use narratives as support for personal and collective identity and how the current societal conditions challenge our stories and can leave us with a feeling of groundlessness. Buddhist transformation is about the embrace of groundlessness and about making use of our situation—whatever it is—in accord with our highest intentions. Vow is intention plus commitment. What would it be like to meet goundlessness by aligning ourselves with the four central vows of Buddhism: transformation, liberation, wisdom, and compassionate action?
In this “spiritual book club” edition of the show, Krista and musician/artist Devendra Banhart read favorite passages and discuss When Things Fall Apart, a small book of great beauty by the Tibetan Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön. It’s a work — like all works of spiritual genius — that speaks from the nooks and crannies and depths of a particular tradition, while conveying truths about humanity writ large. Their conversation speaks with special force to what it means to be alive and looking for meaning right now.Devendra Banhart is a visual artist, musician, songwriter, and poet. His albums include Ma, Mala, What Will We Be, Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon, and Cripple Crow, among others. His book of poetry is Weeping Gang Bliss Void Yab-Yum.Find the transcript for this show at onbeing.org
In this “spiritual book club” edition of the show, Krista and musician/artist Devendra Banhart read favorite passages and discuss When Things Fall Apart, a small book of great beauty by the Tibetan Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön. It’s a work — like all works of spiritual genius — that speaks from the nooks and crannies and depths of a particular tradition, while conveying truths about humanity writ large. Their conversation speaks with special force to what it means to be alive and looking for meaning right now.Devendra Banhart is a visual artist, musician, songwriter, and poet. His albums include Ma, Mala, What Will We Be, Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon, and Cripple Crow, among others. His book of poetry is Weeping Gang Bliss Void Yab-Yum.This interview is edited and produced with music and other features in the On Being episode "Devendra Banhart — ‘When Things Fall Apart’." Find more at onbeing.org.
What does it mean to ground yourself? To ground yourself is to help you refocus your energy on what is happening in the moment and create more space for yourself energetically, creating connection in your mind and body. During a time of groundlessness, like the pandemic we are currently facing, it's even more important to engage in grounding exercises to help dispel unwanted anxiety and stress, and also keep you mentally and physically healthy. In this episode of Radical Choices, I talk about ways to apply the mind, body, and spirit framework to explore how you can ground yourself, as well as my own personal experience engaging in these exercises. In applying these grounding techniques, you can operate with more faith, ease, and clarity to help you acclimate to your new normal, helping you create more mastery of who you are and what you can control. Resources: Mind Julia Cameron - Morning Pages Dr. Nicole La Pera - Future Self Journal Destined Dynamics - One Hour Bilateral Music Connection Body Yoga with Adriene Wim Hof - Guided Breathing Spirit Sarah Catori - Grounding Meditation (5 min) Reiki Rachael - Energy Protection & Aura Cleansing (11 min) Steve Nobel - Triple Shield Meditation (15 min) --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/elisa-ramos/message
It’s March! It’s Monday! It’s a grand day that’s inching us closer and closer to that blessed Spring Equinox!It’s also a fabulous day because I get to post the amazing conversation that I had with the incredible Niki Hale!Born and raised at sea level in the SF Bay Area, she, her husband, and the four-leggeds packed it all up last September to move to Colorado, an hour away from the mile-high city of Denver. This transition has her considering new directions in her work as an artist and trauma-sensitive massage therapist. After closing down her massage studio in Oakland, and leaving her home for the last 33 years, she’s navigating the groundlessness of shifting identities and ’starting over.'She is working on unhooking from our toxic Overculture, slowing down and doing less, and connecting with those in her direct reach. She also quit drinking back in 2016, allowing her to get to a much softer and gentler place in her work, her creative life, and her relationship to self and others. While she is no longer on social media, you can find her at www.starsalignbodywork.com.Our conversation today weaves together stories about intuition, sobriety, friendships, and learning to hold our own. It’s truly magnificent and as always, I feel so honoured that I get to speak the words and then put them out there into the world for your hearts and ears. Enjoy my friends!
When we realize that uncertainty, mystery, and change will always be present in life, we begin to understand impermanence. Today I’m speaking about embracing groundlessness — meaning the truth that the ground we stand on will always be in constant motion. I hope you enjoy this morning musing! www.byrileywebster.com @byrileywebster
Hello and Happy December!!! I don’t know about you all, but I’m crawling across the finish line of this decade and having to be really REALLY intent on how I’m going to take care of myself in the last few weeks of this year. I always start out with good intentions in January, but by month 12 when the days are short and the nights are soooooooo long, I’m done. I was so glad to sit and chat with the absolutely f$%king incredible Marlee Grace last week and I couldn’t wait to post this episode so as I mentioned to her, the turnaround on this was a personal best, because I just wanted you all to hear it so much! Marlee Grace is a dancer, writer, artist, and shape maker. She wrote a book called How to Not Always Be Working : a toolkit for creativity and radical self care as well as zines about sobriety and phone addiction. She teaches improvisation as a dance form in real life, online classes on art making and rituals, and sees one one clients who want to unblock their creativity and small business practices. She facilitates a project called CENTER that is an experiment unfolding in space and time that has a residency and an online shop. She also writes a weekly newsletter and registration for her four week online course Everything Is A Sunset is currently open (so get in there!!!!).Check her out on Instagram at marleeegrace and personalpracticeCome snuggle in and listen to this fabulous human talk about tending to our beautiful selves and how to lean into some of the places that might feel hard. Enjoy!
Pema Chodron says that much of our discomfort stems from our need to be okay all the time and our 'resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation." How do we come to terms with our shifting experience and let go of the need to have everything figured out? Mary talks about working with this fluidity and holding it with ease.Recorded Aug. 24, 2019
Dharma Glimpse by Noah Ma-Yo and Dharma Talk by Rev. Koyo Kubose.
Buddhist teachings and concepts often challenge us to think differently about life. They challenge us to question the stories we’ve come to believe about ourselves and about reality but perhaps none more than the idea of stepping into groundlessness.
How can we reframe our view of current US political events by understanding how karma works? A podcast from Satsang with Shambhavi.
How certain can you be that you’re actually sitting at your desk when it seems that you are? You might see your desk before you and feel it beneath your arms and yet, how can you prove that your senses are to be trusted? How can you know for sure that you’re not merely a brain in a vat, being fed fake perceptual stimuli that only makes it seem like you are where you think you are, doing what you think you’re doing? A philosopher of epistemology who subscribes to radical skepticism may tell you that I can’t know for sure, but this hypothesis raises its own questions … Duncan Pritchard’s recent book with Princeton University Press, called Epistemic Angst: Radical Skepticism and the Groundlessness of Our Believing, offers a completely new solution to this ancient philosophical problem that includes a new reading of Ludwig Wittgenstein’s account of the structure of rational evaluation. Pritchard also revisits the epistemological disjunctivist proposal that he developed in previous work and shows how it can effectively handle the other aspect of the problem. Finally, he argues that these two anti-skeptical positions, while superficially in tension with each other, are not only compatible but also mutually supporting. The result is a comprehensive and distinctive resolution to the problem of radical skepticism, one that challenges many assumptions in contemporary epistemology. Dr. Pritchard is a professor of philosophy at the University of Edinburgh, where he is the director of Eidyn: The Edinburgh Centre for Epistemology, Mind and Normativity. In 2007 he was awarded the Philip Leverhulme Prize and in 2011 he was elected to a Fellowship of the Royal Society of Edinburgh. Carrie Lynn Evans is a PhD student at Université Laval in Quebec City. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
How certain can you be that you’re actually sitting at your desk when it seems that you are? You might see your desk before you and feel it beneath your arms and yet, how can you prove that your senses are to be trusted? How can you know for sure that you’re not merely a brain in a vat, being fed fake perceptual stimuli that only makes it seem like you are where you think you are, doing what you think you’re doing? A philosopher of epistemology who subscribes to radical skepticism may tell you that I can’t know for sure, but this hypothesis raises its own questions … Duncan Pritchard’s recent book with Princeton University Press, called Epistemic Angst: Radical Skepticism and the Groundlessness of Our Believing, offers a completely new solution to this ancient philosophical problem that includes a new reading of Ludwig Wittgenstein’s account of the structure of rational evaluation. Pritchard also revisits the epistemological disjunctivist proposal that he developed in previous work and shows how it can effectively handle the other aspect of the problem. Finally, he argues that these two anti-skeptical positions, while superficially in tension with each other, are not only compatible but also mutually supporting. The result is a comprehensive and distinctive resolution to the problem of radical skepticism, one that challenges many assumptions in contemporary epistemology. Dr. Pritchard is a professor of philosophy at the University of Edinburgh, where he is the director of Eidyn: The Edinburgh Centre for Epistemology, Mind and Normativity. In 2007 he was awarded the Philip Leverhulme Prize and in 2011 he was elected to a Fellowship of the Royal Society of Edinburgh. Carrie Lynn Evans is a PhD student at Université Laval in Quebec City. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
How certain can you be that you’re actually sitting at your desk when it seems that you are? You might see your desk before you and feel it beneath your arms and yet, how can you prove that your senses are to be trusted? How can you know for sure...
In this episode we’re talking about what happens when you lose the sense that you “have it all together.” As humans we’re always trying to pin things down. We want to categorize, create step-by-step action plans, essentially identify and solidify life, including ourselves, in As we evolve on our own paths, we’re noticing that our ability to conceive of ourselves as people who have it all together is slipping through our fingers, and we’ve got a lot to say about why that’s challenging. In the process though, we’re also offering a potential new way to orient towards life as the ability to pin things down falls away.
Guhyapati, from the Ecodharma Centre, explores how the Dharma can empower social engagement, at our weekly Sangha gathering, July 2017. The post Facing Complexity: The Radical Simplicity of Solidarity and Groundlessness appeared first on Manchester Buddhist Centre.
In today’s episode we're talking about groundlessness. In our personal lives AND in the global collective these days things are feeling quite a lot like there isn’t much solid, predictable ground to stand on. We’re so wired to want stability. To have something bedrock and constant in our lives… however Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche once said “The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is, there’s no ground..” Um… we tackle the good and bad news in the midst of our own groundlessness.
"Embrace Your Groundlessness" Can we agree that life has a way of happening with or without our input? Prime example have you ever gone past plan a, b,and c? "Embracing Groundlessness" is a Buddhist quote meaning to not react in a negative or arduous way. Instead grasp ahold of the reality that life has its twists and turns no matter how we may want to make it a straight line from point A to B. Join Claudia and Shane as they discuss how this way of being can benefit our daily lives! Only on the Speaking to the Heart Radio Network
Many are introduced to philosophy by way of a confrontation with the kind of radical skepticism associated with Rene Descartes: Might I right now be dreaming? Might everything I think I know be the product of some grand deception perpetrated by a malevolent demon? Today, many philosophers seems simply to dismiss radical skepticism as unworthy of our attention; however, the skeptical challenge lingers, and, for many, it still is a source of concern. In Epistemic Angst: Radical Skepticism and the Groundlessness of Our Believing (Princeton University Press, 2015), Duncan Pritchard offers a sustained response to radical skepticism. He first shows that radical skepticism comes in two varieties, each of which calls for its own response. He then offers a two-part solution to radical skepticism. Ultimately, Pritchard offers a cure for epistemic angst, but one that allows for ongoing insecurity about our epistemic condition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Many are introduced to philosophy by way of a confrontation with the kind of radical skepticism associated with Rene Descartes: Might I right now be dreaming? Might everything I think I know be the product of some grand deception perpetrated by a malevolent demon? Today, many philosophers seems simply to...
Many are introduced to philosophy by way of a confrontation with the kind of radical skepticism associated with Rene Descartes: Might I right now be dreaming? Might everything I think I know be the product of some grand deception perpetrated by a malevolent demon? Today, many philosophers seems simply to dismiss radical skepticism as unworthy of our attention; however, the skeptical challenge lingers, and, for many, it still is a source of concern. In Epistemic Angst: Radical Skepticism and the Groundlessness of Our Believing (Princeton University Press, 2015), Duncan Pritchard offers a sustained response to radical skepticism. He first shows that radical skepticism comes in two varieties, each of which calls for its own response. He then offers a two-part solution to radical skepticism. Ultimately, Pritchard offers a cure for epistemic angst, but one that allows for ongoing insecurity about our epistemic condition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
It's invited me to move beyond thought towards a place of unity with the rest of the universe. All this continues gnawing at me. I suspect it will never go away, just as the urge to breathe never goes away, no matter how long we try to hold our breath. What I did not know—and this took me scores of years to find out—is that the rabbit hole into which I had unexpectedly tumbled has for millennia, been, described by every culture and religion in the world in one form or another. Nor had I any idea that, at any moment in time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives, it is available to each of us. To Zen Buddhists, this wordless, timeless space represents ultimate reality: That which can only come through immediate experience. In Suzuki's words, "For the sake of those crucial experiences Zen Buddhism has struck out on its own paths which, through methodical immersion in oneself, lead to one's becoming aware, in the deepest ground of the soul, of the unnameable Groundlessness and Qualitylessness—nay more, to one's becoming one with it." It is a state in which nothing is thought or contrived, longed for or expected. It reaches out in no particular direction, yet it knows itself able to handle the possible as well as the impossible. Concentrated, yet so expanded too, such power is both purposeless and egoless. As such, it can be called truly spiritual. Why? I believe because it is charged with an awareness that spirit is present everywhere. Because the cosmos is present everywhere, we too are present everywhere. We can have direct experience of this, and access the power that continues to create the universe itself. And we have full access to that power of creation to use in our lives, in whatever way we choose. The Sufis call this state fana—the annihilation of your individual selfhood. When you experience fana, your everyday personality becomes transparent, so the larger being that you are shines through. You soon become absorbed in an all-encompassing fascination for the moment. Life is lived in the NOW. Cutting-edge physicists speak of a holographic universe in which we live but seldom access because we are plagued by endless mental concepts that blind us to so-called reality. This blinds us to the experience of Samadhi—"a non-dualistic state in which the consciousness of the subject becomes one with an experience of the object." This selfless absorption and total surrender of Samadhi is characteristic of children when left alone to follow their instincts. It is available to each one of us, regardless of age or condition. Honoring whatever brings you bliss in your life opens the door to it. That day, when I lay on the floor lost in Stravinsky, without recognizing, I became conscious of it what would inspire me most: The beauty of art—whether it be music, words, stories, sculpture, buildings or what-have-you. Why? Certainly not because I had any idea that art was supposed to be valued as part of what grown-ups refer to as culture. I couldn't have cared less. After all, I was a kid who, when not entranced by what I was seeing, hearing, feeling or touching, spent the rest of my day learning card tricks, wrestling with my huge dog Tuffy, and trying—unsuccessfully—to sell packets of chewing gum which my grandfather gave me to neighbors' kids. Nope—I loved the beauty and wonder of art in all its many forms because, unlike the world around me, with which had little in common, it had grabbed hold of me and would never let me go. It demanded of me both a submission as well as active participation in the making of it. I now believe that my first love affair at the age of six became the harbinger for how I have lived my life. At any moment in time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives, fana is available to all of us regardless of age. Honoring whatever brings you bliss opens the door to it for you.
When I was six years old, I had my first love affair. Yes, really. Of course, not until years later did I recognize the experience for what it was. But like every first love, it changed my life forever. My father was a jazz musician, so our house was equipped with the best possible sound equipment. He and I loved to listen to music—just about any music available—at full volume, of course. This, my mother, could not stand—which made it, even more, exciting. While my playmates roamed the hills of Hollywood skinning their knees, I would lie on my belly in our living room, listening to music as loud as I could make it. One day, combing through our vast supply of records, I came upon Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." The name meant nothing to me. But I liked the colors on the cover, so I put it on the record player, turned up the volume and flopped down in front of our huge speakers. Strange, mysterious, discordant sound flooded my body, opening a secret door to somewhere deep inside me—a mysterious inner world I had never entered. I didn't know such a place even existed. I trembled with fear and excitement while Stravinsky's music continued to wind its way through my body. I flushed hot and then cold. My heart raced, then calmed. I lost all sense of place and time as I rode the waves of an imaginal sea of sound into unexplored worlds, too numerous to name. I have no idea how long all this lasted. Eventually, even the "boat" carrying me along on vivid images began to dissolve like sugar in water. In a perfect union, the sounds and the child-that-had-been-me swirled into a vortex and became lost in each other. We shared the excitement, fear, longing, fierceness, and sadness. As lovers, we had come together—music and child—in an immediate, passionate, all-encompassing union. Eventually, I found myself at the center of this whirlpool. Then, even the ecstasy of the movement vanished. Like Alice down the rabbit hole, I tumbled—not into Wonderland, but into an experience of unspeakable stillness. Zen practitioners claim this experience is available at any moment to each one of us. For me, it was an indescribable event—beyond space, beyond time, outside thought. Without the slightest possibility of ever being able to describe it, I knew that everything was as perfect as it was meant to be. In the words of Zen Master Daisetz Suzuki, in this place, I would eat when I am hungry, sleep when tired. I knew that "it was fine yesterday and today it is raining." In the words of Julian of Norwich, I was sure that "All things shall be well, and all things shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." My affair with Stravinsky lasted more than four hours. At least, that's what my mother said. "Don't tell me you are still listening to that awful music." She had to raise her voice to be heard above the sounds. "For God's sake, turn it off. Do something useful." So I did something useful. I went to school, then to university where I learned, at least, some of what you are supposed to learn. I earned praises for top marks, went to work, won prizes, gave birth to four children by four different men, raised them on my own, wrote books, made films, gave talks, led workshops, created products for companies, made television programs and so on and so on. In effect, I did what millions of men and women do—I became the breadwinner, the caretaker, the nurturer of people's lives. Through all the years between six and now, my passion for music, painting, books, poetry, architecture and movies has never left me. Far from it. During all of these years, the epiphany of emptiness that Stravinsky brought to me that day and the sense of absolute stillness has never faded. It has made it possible for me to create so many things as well as to explore new places and ideas. It's invited me to move beyond thought towards a place of unity with the rest of the universe. All this continues gnawing at me. I suspect it will never go away, just as the urge to breathe never goes away, no matter how long we try to hold our breath. What I did not know—and this took me scores of years to find out—is that the rabbit hole into which I had unexpectedly tumbled has for millennia, been, described by every culture and religion in the world in one form or another. Nor had I any idea that, at any moment in time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives, it is available to each of us. To Zen Buddhists, this wordless, timeless space represents ultimate reality: That which can only come through immediate experience. In Suzuki's words, "For the sake of those crucial experiences Zen Buddhism has struck out on its own paths which, through methodical immersion in oneself, lead to one's becoming aware, in the deepest ground of the soul, of the unnameable Groundlessness and Qualitylessness—nay more, to one's becoming one with it." It is a state in which nothing is thought or contrived, longed for or expected. It reaches out in no particular direction, yet it knows itself able to handle the possible as well as the impossible. Concentrated, yet so expanded too, such power is both purposeless and egoless. As such, it can be called truly spiritual. Why? I believe because it is charged with an awareness that spirit is present everywhere. Because the cosmos is present everywhere, we too are present everywhere. We can have direct experience of this, and access the power that continues to create the universe itself. And we have full access to that power of creation to use in our lives, in whatever way we choose. The Sufis call this state fana—the annihilation of your individual selfhood. When you experience fana, your everyday personality becomes transparent, so the larger being that you are shines through. You soon become absorbed in an all-encompassing fascination for the moment. Life is lived in the NOW. Cutting-edge physicists speak of a holographic universe in which we live but seldom access because we are plagued by endless mental concepts that blind us to so-called reality. This blinds us to the experience of Samadhi—"a non-dualistic state in which the consciousness of the subject becomes one with an experience of the object." This selfless absorption and total surrender of Samadhi is characteristic of children when left alone to follow their instincts. It is available to each one of us, regardless of age or condition. Honoring whatever brings you bliss in your life opens the door to it. That day, when I lay on the floor lost in Stravinsky, without recognizing, I became conscious of it what would inspire me most: The beauty of art—whether it be music, words, stories, sculpture, buildings or what-have-you. Why? Certainly not because I had any idea that art was supposed to be valued as part of what grown-ups refer to as culture. I couldn't have cared less. After all, I was a kid who, when not entranced by what I was seeing, hearing, feeling or touching, spent the rest of my day learning card tricks, wrestling with my huge dog Tuffy, and trying—unsuccessfully—to sell packets of chewing gum which my grandfather gave me to neighbors' kids. Nope—I loved the beauty and wonder of art in all its many forms because, unlike the world around me, with which had little in common, it had grabbed hold of me and would never let me go. It demanded of me both a submission as well as active participation in the making of it. I now believe that my first love affair at the age of six became the harbinger for how I have lived my life. At any moment in time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives, fana is available to all of us regardless of age. Honoring whatever brings you bliss opens the door to it for you.
When I was six years old, I had my first love affair. Yes, really. Of course, not until years later did I recognize the experience for what it was. But like every first love, it changed my life forever. My father was a jazz musician, so our house was equipped with the best possible sound equipment. He and I loved to listen to music—just about any music available—at full volume, of course. This, my mother, could not stand—which made it, even more, exciting. While my playmates roamed the hills of Hollywood skinning their knees, I would lie on my belly in our living room, listening to music as loud as I could make it. One day, combing through our vast supply of records, I came upon Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring." The name meant nothing to me. But I liked the colors on the cover, so I put it on the record player, turned up the volume and flopped down in front of our huge speakers. Strange, mysterious, discordant sound flooded my body, opening a secret door to somewhere deep inside me—a mysterious inner world I had never entered. I didn't know such a place even existed. I trembled with fear and excitement while Stravinsky's music continued to wind its way through my body. I flushed hot and then cold. My heart raced, then calmed. I lost all sense of place and time as I rode the waves of an imaginal sea of sound into unexplored worlds, too numerous to name. I have no idea how long all this lasted. Eventually, even the "boat" carrying me along on vivid images began to dissolve like sugar in water. In a perfect union, the sounds and the child-that-had-been-me swirled into a vortex and became lost in each other. We shared the excitement, fear, longing, fierceness, and sadness. As lovers, we had come together—music and child—in an immediate, passionate, all-encompassing union. Eventually, I found myself at the center of this whirlpool. Then, even the ecstasy of the movement vanished. Like Alice down the rabbit hole, I tumbled—not into Wonderland, but into an experience of unspeakable stillness. Zen practitioners claim this experience is available at any moment to each one of us. For me, it was an indescribable event—beyond space, beyond time, outside thought. Without the slightest possibility of ever being able to describe it, I knew that everything was as perfect as it was meant to be. In the words of Zen Master Daisetz Suzuki, in this place, I would eat when I am hungry, sleep when tired. I knew that "it was fine yesterday and today it is raining." In the words of Julian of Norwich, I was sure that "All things shall be well, and all things shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." My affair with Stravinsky lasted more than four hours. At least, that's what my mother said. "Don't tell me you are still listening to that awful music." She had to raise her voice to be heard above the sounds. "For God's sake, turn it off. Do something useful." So I did something useful. I went to school, then to university where I learned, at least, some of what you are supposed to learn. I earned praises for top marks, went to work, won prizes, gave birth to four children by four different men, raised them on my own, wrote books, made films, gave talks, led workshops, created products for companies, made television programs and so on and so on. In effect, I did what millions of men and women do—I became the breadwinner, the caretaker, the nurturer of people's lives. Through all the years between six and now, my passion for music, painting, books, poetry, architecture and movies has never left me. Far from it. During all of these years, the epiphany of emptiness that Stravinsky brought to me that day and the sense of absolute stillness has never faded. It has made it possible for me to create so many things as well as to explore new places and ideas. It's invited me to move beyond thought towards a place of unity with the rest of the universe. All this continues gnawing at me. I suspect it will never go away, just as the urge to breathe never goes away, no matter how long we try to hold our breath. What I did not know—and this took me scores of years to find out—is that the rabbit hole into which I had unexpectedly tumbled has for millennia, been, described by every culture and religion in the world in one form or another. Nor had I any idea that, at any moment in time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives, it is available to each of us. To Zen Buddhists, this wordless, timeless space represents ultimate reality: That which can only come through immediate experience. In Suzuki's words, "For the sake of those crucial experiences Zen Buddhism has struck out on its own paths which, through methodical immersion in oneself, lead to one's becoming aware, in the deepest ground of the soul, of the unnameable Groundlessness and Qualitylessness—nay more, to one's becoming one with it." It is a state in which nothing is thought or contrived, longed for or expected. It reaches out in no particular direction, yet it knows itself able to handle the possible as well as the impossible. Concentrated, yet so expanded too, such power is both purposeless and egoless. As such, it can be called truly spiritual. Why? I believe because it is charged with an awareness that spirit is present everywhere. Because the cosmos is present everywhere, we too are present everywhere. We can have direct experience of this, and access the power that continues to create the universe itself. And we have full access to that power of creation to use in our lives, in whatever way we choose. The Sufis call this state fana—the annihilation of your individual selfhood. When you experience fana, your everyday personality becomes transparent, so the larger being that you are shines through. You soon become absorbed in an all-encompassing fascination for the moment. Life is lived in the NOW. Cutting-edge physicists speak of a holographic universe in which we live but seldom access because we are plagued by endless mental concepts that blind us to so-called reality. This blinds us to the experience of Samadhi—"a non-dualistic state in which the consciousness of the subject becomes one with an experience of the object." This selfless absorption and total surrender of Samadhi is characteristic of children when left alone to follow their instincts. It is available to each one of us, regardless of age or condition. Honoring whatever brings you bliss in your life opens the door to it. That day, when I lay on the floor lost in Stravinsky, without recognizing, I became conscious of it what would inspire me most: The beauty of art—whether it be music, words, stories, sculpture, buildings or what-have-you. Why? Certainly not because I had any idea that art was supposed to be valued as part of what grown-ups refer to as culture. I couldn't have cared less. After all, I was a kid who, when not entranced by what I was seeing, hearing, feeling or touching, spent the rest of my day learning card tricks, wrestling with my huge dog Tuffy, and trying—unsuccessfully—to sell packets of chewing gum which my grandfather gave me to neighbors' kids. Nope—I loved the beauty and wonder of art in all its many forms because, unlike the world around me, with which had little in common, it had grabbed hold of me and would never let me go. It demanded of me both a submission as well as active participation in the making of it. I now believe that my first love affair at the age of six became the harbinger for how I have lived my life. At any moment in time, regardless of the circumstances of our lives, fana is available to all of us regardless of age. Honoring whatever brings you bliss opens the door to it for you.
Groundlessness by Ordinary Mind Zen School
This lecture was recorded on January 12, 2014, at The Shala Yoga House in NYC.www.AbdiAssadi.com
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