ON BOYS Podcast

Reading and literacy are important life skills. But many boys struggle with reading and writing -- and resist parents' and teachers' well-intended efforts to help them. Lots of boys are reluctant readers. Many hate writing. Teaching boys to read Middle school literacy instructional coach Todd Feltman says, "reading has to be taught in increments," especially for young boys who typically come into schools with a developmentally appropriate preference for play and movement. Boys, he says, "shouldn't be forced to learn how to read. It should be a gradual process" that started with phonemic awareness and includes frequent exposure to high interest, culturally relevant books that align with boys' pre-existing interests. To help middle school boys, teachers and parents must first understand boys' lived experience, including their previous experiences with reading and writing. "We have to help find reading material that will interest our boys - and model what pleasurable reading looks like," Feltman says. Audiobooks and podcasts can also support boys' literacy development. "Audiobooks and podcasts are wonderful because they give boys a chance to visualize," Feltman says. "They can also help boys develop fluency." (Another plus: Boys can be active while developing their vocabulary & comprehension skills!) Also helpful: book clubs for boys. (Wanna know more? Check out How & Why to Start a Boys' Book Club.) Teaching boys to write Supporting boys as they learn to read will also aid in the development of boys' writing skills. "Weak readers tend to be weak writers," Feltman says. Letting boys draw and discuss their ideas before asking (or requiring) them to write a story or report is helpful. You can also encourage boys to use to voice-to-text apps to dictate stories if handwriting or keyboarding is difficult for them. With minimal effort, you can build boys reading and literacy skills AND have fun. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Todd discuss: Whether expecting 5 and 6-yr old boys to read is developmentally appropriate Reading as a multi-faceted experience The role of role-modeling in literacy development How parents can build boys' literacy skills while buffering school expectations Incorporating movement & literacy Using audiobooks, podcasts, & book clubs to support boys' literacy development Supporting boys' writing development Easy ways to build boys reading and literacy skills How to find boy-friendly books The value of family reading time Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: toddfeltman.com -- Todd's website How (& Why) to Start a Boys' Book Club -- ON BOYS episode Secret Saturdays, by Torrey Maldonado -- great book for boys, recommended by Todd at 16:18 Diper Overlode (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 17), by Jeff Kinney -- great book for boys, recommended by Todd at 16:58 The Invention of Hugo Cabret, by Brian Selznick -- great (big!) book for reluctant readers (includes lots of engaging illustrations) Wonder, by R.J. Palacio -- another great book for boys White Bird, by R.J Palacio -- graphic novel that's great for boys Pony -- another excellen R.J. Palacio book GuysRead.com -- great site for finding boy-friendly literature LeVar Burton Reads -- podcast featuring the original host of Reading Rainbow - now reading stories for adults! Mentoring My Elementary- and Middle-School Students to Become Powerful Navigators of Success, by Todd Feltman Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

What does Janet's 8-month-old grandson have in common with a bunch of guys throwing darts at each other in a dark basement? A fascination with objects moving through space --  a nearly universal male tendency that Janet is witnessing in real-time as her grandson delights in pushing, pulling, and moving objects that are bigger than he is. You can learn so much about boys by simply observing them. It's not always easy to take (or make) time to do so -- especially when you're in the thick of parenting -- but those moments of observation help you understand the boy in front of you. They help you connect, and may even help calm your overwhelmed brain. Parenting (& child development) unfolds over time. "None of this happens over a moment or in a day," Jen says. You don't have to address every problem or issue immediately. Sometimes, Jen says, "the best thing you can do is go to bed." The problem will still be there in the morning, and you'll likely have a bit more energy and perspective. Remember that your son's actions are not a reflection of your parenting skills. Being a "good parent" doesn't mean that your son will never misbehave or make ill-advised choices. It means consistently loving, supporting, and nurturing your son through it all. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Grandparenting Boys' interest in movement Surviving parenting Resisting consumer culture Patience & parenting What educators don't know about boys Jen & Janet's recent adventures Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Michael Gurian on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode Parenting, Privilege, & Building a Just World -- ON BOYS episode featuring Sarah Jaffe Holding the Calm with Hesha Abrams -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 18:37) Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World that Misunderstands Males -- Jen's 2nd book! Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Why do boys....? Bringing up boys brings up all kinds of questions! Jen & Janet have answers. Photo by Pixabay Tamara asks: Why do boys communicate through physical touch/aggression and use sarcasm for communication rather than regular conversation? Katrina worries that her son may be alienating himself from his friends -- and missing out on social opportunities -- because he's so dedicated to his sport. She says: I'm afraid he's distancing himself from his friends and will one day find himself without them. How do I bring it up without seeming like a nag?? Elena wants help answering her son's question: My older son complained that, “all the girls wear ‘girl power' shirts… why don't they have ‘boy power'-type shirts?” and says:  My son wants to feel powerful and able to say it without being considered a pompous ass. But… how? Are there any “boy power” slogans and tees that don't undermine others or make him look like our family doesn't respect the accomplishments of all types of people?? Jessy asks: Will raising a strong-willed boy be too challenging for elder and sick parents to handle when he reaches teenage age? In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Boy communication Sarcasm vs. disrespect Roughhousing & aggression Whether parents should push boys to socialize Helping boys navigate girl power Raising strong-willed boys Parenting when you're not physically or emotionally well Intergenerational friendships Asking for help Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotion, & Play -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 14:37) The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 15:48) Boys Get Eating Disorders Too -- ON BOYS episode featuring Oona Hanson (mentioned at 20:56) Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image -- ON BOYS episode Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves (mentioned at 25:34) This Boy Can Tshirts -- super awesome shirts that'll make boys feel great! My Boy Can with Sassy Harvey -- ON BOYS podcast (mentioned at 30:03) Parenting Through Health Challenges -- ON BOYS podcast featuring Jen Singer (mentioned at 33:31) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

We want to build boys -- AND a just world. It's easy to be overwhelmed by seemingly insurmountable challenges, and tempting to not take action on big societal issues like inequity because, well, what can we do anyway? But while it's true that none of us can individually create the systemic changes that are needed to address thorny social issue, our individual parenting choices have power. Sarah W. Jaffe was working as an attorney for children in foster care in New York City when she became pregnant with her first child, and she was struck by the tremendous gulf between the experiences of the kids she served and the concerns of parents in her personal peer group. She thought, "Something is really wrong here with the level of anxiety that parents in my peer group are feeling versus the overall societal lack of concern about foster kids," says Jaffe, author of Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World.  The truth is that the decisions we make for our kids affect other kids and families too. Take education, for instance: Parents with the economic means to do so often enroll their kids in private schools or "good" public schools with active PTAs that help provide funding for things like playground equipment, arts programs, and teachers. Their kids get a pretty decent education, but children at other schools may not get an equal or commensurate education. Moving Past Fear to Build a Just World "We are encouraged, as parent consumers, [to think that] there's never enough," Jaffe says. More education and experiences, our culture tells us, is always better. Marketers, Jaffe says, "prey on fear" and parents' innate desire to help their children. So affluents parents often invest a lot of time, energy, and resources into programs and services that may give their children a slight boost, while children a few blocks away lack the basics. That's not good for anyone's kids, in the long run. Jaffe suggest parents consider their values when making parenting decisions. When choosing childcare, for instance (if you have a choice!), consider things like the pay and working conditions of childcare workers. If you have the money to spend, it may be better spent at a center that pay its workers fairly than at a prestigious preschool. Jaffe also recommends that affluent and white parents look past their preconceived notions about which schools will or won't work for their children. In our culture, well-off parents are "encouraged to see ourselves as consumers of schools that need to cater to our demands, rather than investors in a crucial systems," she says. It might be best to invest your resources into the public school system. The fear of our children "falling behind" is pervasive, but it doesn't have to drive your parenting decisions. "Being in community with people, feeling invested in creating systems that work for everyone, is a really powerful antidote to that fear," Jaffe says. "Try to step away from the fear and into a sense of community." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sarah discuss: Why we need to care about ALL kids How parents contribute to educational inequity Increasing educational equity Learning to identify "enough" Childcare inequities Questions to ask when choosing childcare How parents can advocate for their sons' needs while still working for a just world Supporting public education Equitable school funding Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World -- Sarah's book sarahwjaffe.com -- Sarah's website (includes the link to her Parenting Values Journal) Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves (mentioned at 15:50) National Domestic Workers Alliance -- includes links & ideas for how you can make your home a good workplace for a nanny, house cleaner or caregiver, as well as advocacy tips

Holding the calm, says Hesha Abrams, is an essential skill for resolving conflict and diffusing tension. Conflict and tension trigger an individual's amygdala, the "reptilian" part of the brain that initiates the flight-flight-or-freeze response. And when the amygdala is activated, the human body goes into a refractory state for about 20 minutes. Our eyes and ears only take in limited data. Attempting to reason with a person in a refractory state is a waste of time and energy because it's like "pouring water on dry ground," says Abrams, an internationally recognized mediator and author of Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension. Telling a person who's emotionally upset to "calm down" won't usually help. When the amygdala is active, a person will either fight or flee in response to those words. (Think about it: Has telling your upset son to "calm down" ever really helped? More likely than not, he's gotten even angrier and stormed away.) How to Hold the Calm When you are upset or emotionally triggered, Abram suggest repeating this mantra to yourself: I am holding the calm. I am holding the calm. I am holding the calm. Repeating that phrase reminds you that you have power and choices -- and that gives you a "moat" around your feelings and allows you to take your time and choose what you want to do. Doing this in front of your kids also shows them how to take care of themselves. You're modeling emotional regulation, and your kids will learn from your example. Handling Big Emotions with Teens Vuc 'em! VUCS is an acronym that means Validate, Understand, Clarify, Summarize. Validating can include simply naming the emotion you see and hear your child expressing. Your child (vigorously) disagree with your assessment, but if you calmly name the emotion ("You seem angry."), your child may also calm a bit because they feel seen and heard. "Naming the emotion drains 50 percent of the poison out," says Abrams, who's successfully used this technique in many negotiations. Then, you can ask some question to help understand and clarify what's going on. Summarize the situation next. The whole process often takes less time than you'd expect -- and is significantly more efficient than most alternatives. (Think about a fight with your teen, Abrams says. How long does that typically take?) A day or so later, during a moment of calm, you can say something like, "Let's talk about how we can help each other understand each other better, because I love you, respect you, value you and want to be able to do this better for you," Abrams says. Then, you can teach your son some simple techniques he can use to manage his big emotions. In this episode, Janet, & Hesha discuss: What spaghetti sauce can teach us about conflict How your brain and body respond to conflict How to stay calm in the midst of conflict and tension Helping teens handle big emotions How modeling & teaching your son to "hold the calm" can help him learn to respect women & choose a good mate Paradigm shifts that help us reframe "disrespectful" and annoying behavior Teaching self-soothing behavior to boys What to do instead of fighting about screens Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: holdingthecalm.com - Abram's website Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension -- Abram's book Parenting in Real Life podcast Cracking the Boy Code with Dr. Adam Cox -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Parenting inevitably includes health challenges. Kids get sick. Parents get sick. And injuries and accidents happen more often than we'd like. Learning how to manage a medical diagnosis -- and navigate the health system -- is a crucial parenting skill. "Boy mom" and COVID, cancer and heart failure survivor Jen Singer has more medical system experience than most parents. She was diagnosed with lymphoma when her boys were eight and ten years old. "I learned, by doing, how to advocate for myself," says Singer. When her local hospital refused to perform a PET scan that she knew was crucial to the proper diagnosis and treatment of her illness, she signed herself out of that hospital AMA (against medical advice) and sought care in NYC instead. That PET scan was key to her treatment and eventual recovery. (The Right) Information is Empowering Singer, a medical writer who parlayed her experience into a series of books, the Just Diagnosed Guides, says that parents (and others) should not rely on search engines for medical information. When you receive a diagnosis, "Don't Google it," she says, because the results "are unfiltered." The info you find may be incorrect or out-of-date. In case of a serious diagnosis, do not believe the statistics you find online. General survival statistics, she says, "always include the oldest and sickest people" and may not reflect your  experience. Getting Necessary Care Unfortunately, patients and families often have to push to get the care they need (and deserve). Don't assume that "your" doctor (or the first doctor you see) knows best. If a doctor or healthcare professional doesn't listen to you, adequately answer your questions, or take your concerns seriously, you should probably seek another medical opinion. "If you feel like you're not being heard, get a second opinion," Singer says. That's not always easy -- particularly for patients in rural areas and those with restrictive health insurance policies or no health insurance -- but when faced with a serious diagnosis, it's worth the effort to explore all options. In some cases, you may be able to access specialists in other parts of the country via telehealth. Helping Kids Cope with Illness "I used to think I ruined their childhoods by having cancer," Singer says, "because all of their innocence was taken away at one time." Yet she realizes that her sons learned a lot about independence and caring for others through their shared family experience. Still, when she was diagnosed with heart failure in 2020, she "immediately set up support" for her sons, even though they are now young adults, because she knew another serious illness "was going to be a major flashback for them." She looped in caring family and friends and asked them to text and check in on them. Parents (and others) need to allow boys to experience and express their feelings, both physical and emotional. "We do our boys and our men a tremendous disservice by expecting them not to feel their feelings," Singer says, "and it causes them problems, health-wise and in communication" with others in their lives. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss: Getting a diagnosis Finding reliable medical information When (and how) to switch doctors or seek a second opinion Helping kids cope w a parent illness Determining what information to share (and not share) with others Supporting people who are sick Asking for (and accepting) help Teaching boys to manage health & medical issues Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Just Diagnosed Guides -- includes links to buy Jen's books How to Be Sick and How to Support Someone Who's Sick You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Doing more for boys and men does not require an abandonment of the ideal of gender equality. In fact, it is a natural extension of that. -- Richard V. Reeves Those words are from a new book Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do About It, by Richard V. Reeves, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, a public policy think tank based in D.C., and a father of three grown sons. Boys and men (as a group) now fare worse than girls and women (as a group) in school and in the workplace. (In fact, the gender gap in college education is now wider than it was in the 1970s - but flipped, with far fewer males than females attending or graduating from college.) Males are also generally less healthy and die sooner than females. Yet these gender gaps aren't often discussed and, to date, there's been little action to address these concerning statistics. "The gender inequality that Title IX was intended to tackle [in education] is now larger but completely flipped," Reeves says. Also, many American men now earn less than many American women. White women, in fact, now out earn Black men. Obviously, progress still needs to be made in terms of women's rights. But we can't continue to focus on girls and women and ignore the needs of boys and men. We must also address the issues affecting males. That's how we work toward gender equality. Redshirt the Boys? Given the fact that males typically develop more slowly than similarly-aged females, Reeves proposes redshirting boys, or having boys start kindergarten a year later than their female peers. "The main reason girls are doing better in school than boys is because they mature much earlier than boys," he says. At age 15, in fact, the average boy is developmentally two years behind the average 15-year-old girl. The current educational system is better aligned with girls' development. "The structural advantage in the educational system that treats 15- and 16-year old boys and girls as if they were the same is becoming apparent," Reeves says. "We couldn't see it before because sexism was holding girls down. Now that we've taken those barriers off, you're seeing girls flying." Starting boys in formal education one year later would "level the playing field," Reeve believes, particularly because a policy or proposal to start all boys a year later would extend the benefit of extra time to lower-income boys. (At present, many high income families do redshirt their sons. Private schools often recommend redshirting boys.) Like so many parents of boys, Reeves assumed his sons were being deliberately lazy during their teen years. He's since realized that, "This is neuroscience. These brain synapses need time to develop." Encouraging Boys to Pursue HEAL Jobs HEAL jobs -- those in the health, education, administration, and literacy/communication fields -- are in great demand. Yet despite the fact that males are under-represented in these fields -- and health and education, for instance, are facing critical staff shortages -- there's not yet been a concerted effort to encourage boys and young men to pursue these careers. That's a mistake, Reeves says. "We're trying to solve labor shortages in healthcare and education with half the workforce," he says. "I think we owe it to ourselves, and to our kids, to make a huge investment in helping get men into those growing jobs of the future." Continuing the ignore the struggles of boys and men is not a productive path forward. "A lot of boys and men are really struggling. That's because of structural changes that are happening around them; it's not because there's something wrong with them," Reeves says. "As a responsible society, we should address those challenges because if we don't, they're fester. If we don't address them, it won't end well. We need now to apply the spirit of liberation to boys and men too." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Richard discuss:

Independence is good for kids.  Helicopter parenting is bad for kids. But figuring out when to step in or step back...well, that's a challenge! When another boy punched her 11 year old son in the face during hockey practice, writer and "boy mom" Caren Chesler acted immediately. "I had one leg over the half-wall and was stepping onto the players' bench when the coach looked up and our eyes met," Caren wrote in a Washington Post article. " Mine were still saying, 'Are you kidding me?!' while his were saying, 'Lady, I got this.'” Caren backed away and let the coach handle the situation. After practice, her son told her that he and the other boy worked things out. Like so many parents, Caren feels compelled to act "when I see my son in harm's way, whether it's socially or physically," she says. She know there's value in giving her son space and time to navigate challenges, but it's not easy to sit on the sidelines. Yet as our boys grow, they want (and need!) opportunities to manage conflict and challenges. Managing Parental Anxiety Often, parent involvement is driven by parental anxiety. Caren has realized that her tendency to involve herself in her son's social issues is stems from "my own personal feelings, memories, scars, and traumas," she says. "I can tell there's something wrong because when something happens to my son, I feel like it's happening to me," Caren says. That recognition spurred her to work on separating her issues from her son's. Managing our anxiety -- and our desire to step in -- is a constant process. As we recognize and address personal traumas and tendencies, our kids grow and change as well. We must adapt our parenting to the new moment. Rather than rigidly adhering to a set of rules or guidelines, it's best to ground our actions in honesty and integrity. Admit your mistakes to yourself (and your son). Adjust your rules. Experiment, and then readjust again, as necessary. And as many times as necessary. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Caren discuss: "Mom instincts" that compel us to act Dealing with our "stuff" so we can give our boys the chance to deal with their stuff Male vs. female friendships Making yourself available vs. directly intervening Giving kids space on social media Managing video games Adjusting your parenting positions Setting limits Discussing mistakes Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: I'm Too Involved as a Parent. For My Son's Sake, I'm Trying to Change. -- Washington Post article by Caren Probing the Complex Influence of Video Games on Young Minds -- Discover article by Caren The Model of a Mother and Son Project -- Next Avenue article by Caren Encouraging Independence -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS podcast BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it's own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Middle school boys may seem messy and mysterious, but they're also entertaining, challenging, and inspiring, says Braden Bell. The middle school years are "a wonderful, magical moment," says Bell, an experienced educator, father, and grandfather. "It's important to keep in mind that we are not raising 6th graders, we are not raising 7th graders -- we are raising future adults who currently happen to be in 6th or 7th grade." Keeping that long view in perspective is helpful because if we stop the metaphorical film at any moment, we're likely to feel stress because a lot of change happens during the tween and teenage years. But "if we realize that's a natural part of becoming an adult, that gives us a little more space and freedom to model grace and resilience ourselves," Bell says. A parent's role is to provide love, encouragement, guidance, and empathy. "Our job is not to solve their problems," Bell says. "We don't want our children to face their first problems alone when they're 25 or 30." Giving middle school boys agency to tackle their problems allows them to develop the skills and stamina they'll need to problem-solve as adults. And the beauty of tweendom and adolescence is that boys don't know what they can't yet do! During their tween and teenage years, they're more apt to set and attempt to achieve audacious goals than at most other parts of life. "I think that if we start with the assumption that our child can probably do far more than we think they can, that is almost always going to be true," Bell says. However much you think your child can do, he almost certainly can do more. But, he cautions, it has to be on your son's time. You can't push him, force him, or incentivize him. Bell's (borrowed from a 14-year-old) advice, to both middle school boys & their parents: Choose the kindest possible response in every situation. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Braden discuss: Why middle school boys need struggle Backing off so boys can tackle their problems & set & strive for goals How autonomy builds competence, confidence, and self-respect Boys & tech Collaborative rule-setting Nurturing boys' strengths - while giving them time & space to mature Respecting boys' development Helping boys cope with school Dealing w your sons' teachers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parent-Teacher Conference: A Teacher-Dad on Parenting Teens — Braden's newsletter (Don't miss "My Parents Refused to Intervene. It Remains One of Their Most Enduring, Precious Gifts to Me.") Honoring Dads on Father's Day (& Always) -- ON BOYS episode featuring Braden Managing Screen Time -- ON BOYS episode featuring Devorah Heitner (mentioned at 16:32) Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell -- ON BOYS episode BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it's own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says. A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them." What Parents Need to Know About Male Depression Male depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says. Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school. How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed "Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says. He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss: Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decades What the Left and Right get wrong about boys & men Why you may want to consider going organic Male depression The need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male development Importance of fathers and male mentoring Advocating for boys at school How tech affects boys' brains Boys & violence Male bonding "Toxic masculinity" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Gurian Institute -- online home for all things Gurian (includes links to his books, classes, & upcoming events) What We Must Do to Stop the Killing -- blog post by Michael Gurian Helping Boys Thrive virtual summit, sponsored by The Boys Initiative and Gurian Institute -- online event happening October 8, 2022 (register HERE) The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Educators, and Mentors Can Do to Help Boys Become Exceptional Men, by Michael Gurian The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian and Kathy Stevens Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy & Resilient Boys, by Michael Gurian Anxiety and Depression in Boys -- ON BOYS episode Kellen CARES Foundation -- non-profit that helps young men & their families navigate mental health issues My Family Tested 20 Kid-Safe Phones & Devices -- and These Were the Best -- article mentioned at 23:10 BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it's own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)

Empowering boys to challenge rape culture is one way we can decrease sexual violence, says Gordon Braxton, an anti-violence educator and activist who formerly served as the Director of Men's Outreach on Sexual Violence Prevention at Harvard University. Currently, most of us "spend little to no time empowering boys to raise their voices against sexual violence,” says Braxton, author of Empowering Black Boys to Challenge Rape Culture. “That leaves them in the hands of a world that minimizes it & normalizes it.” Parents typically teach girls how to recognize danger signs and avoid potential violence. But parents don't always prepare their boys to recognize or respond to violence, particularly sexual violence. We don't help boys answer the question, "What should I be doing in a violent world?" Braxton says. Contrary to what we may think, boys welcome these converations, Braxton says. They want time and space to unpack their thoughts and observations regarding sex, violence, pornography, masculininty, and so much more. Boys also need education and support. They need to learn how to respond if a friend, acquaintance, or stranger discloses abuse or sexual violence to them. Often, boys' intial reaction is to "adjudicate or jump in," Braxton says, but that's rarely the right response. Instead, he tells boys that "if you are approached as a friend, respond as a friend." They can listen and support -- and we can encourage them to process their thoughts and feelings with a trusted adult. Black boys need support to wrestle with centuries of unfair policing and persistent racial stereotypes that have long (unfairly) painted Black males as dangerous predators. Braxton invites young men "to consider that there is more than one response to historical injustice. We can choose to push back against those myths and stereotypes through our everyday actions." We can also help boys understand that "these fights [against racism and violence] are not mutually exclusive." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gordon discuss: Differences in how we talk to boys & girls about violence What anti-violence is Helping boys recognize how they contribute to a culture where violence is normalized The power of peer education to confront sexual violence Breaking past boys' cliched responses Preparing boys to deal with the complications of stepping outside the man box Why you must teach boys how to respond to disclosures of sexual trauma or violence Helping boys recognize (& embrace!) their role as change agents Inviting boys to consider nuance in conversations about racism and violence Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Empowering Black Boys to Challenge Rape Culture, by Gordon Braxton StandUpWithBoys.com -- Gordon's website List of state Coaltions against Domestic Violence A Call to Men — organization mentioned at 37:48 Helping Boys Grown Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch) -- ON BOYS episode featuring the Chief Development Officer of A Call to Men RAINN -- the United States' largest anti-sexual violence organization (lots of helpful free info!) BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it's own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)

Deborah Farmer Kris is a child development expert, author, and former educator -- and she still finds raising kids a challenge! "None of us are slot machines," she says. "It's not like you put in this language and out pops a child who says 'yes, mother.'" Parenting, Kris says, is humbling, partly because "there's not one method that works for every child." Every child is different. So is every parent. And yet, helping our children develop their emotional literacy skills is one thing we can do to help them thrive. You can begin by taking a moment to calm yourself when you son's behavior is out of line or upsetting. Then, get curious. Often, another need lurks beneath. When you and your son are calm, try saying something like, "I noticed..." State your observation; allow some space and time for your son to respond. "'I notice' takes the judgement out of it," Kris says. And even if your son chooses not to respond in the moment, your words convey that you see and care about him. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deborah discuss: Why striving for perfection parenting is wasted effort -- and what you should strive for instead The link between emotional literacy & boys' behavior Letting boys tell their story (vs. making assumptions about their behavior) Tailoring your communication to your boy's temperament (whether he's an introvert or extrovert) The value of the village Communicating with teachers Helping kids understand unconditional love The power of awe and wonder Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: parenthood365 -- Deborah's website I Love You All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Have Feelings All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Are Growing All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Wonder All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive, by Dr. Marc Brackett (book mentioned at 13:11) Awe Might Be Our Most Undervalued Emotion. Here's How to Help Children Find It. -- Washington Post article by Kris (mentioned at 31:33) Finding Ecohappiness -- ON BOYS episode Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, & Boys -- ON BOYS episode BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it's own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Positive parenting is more pleasant - and more effective than control-oriented parenting styles, says Amy McCready. Amy is a recovering yeller, mom of two grown sons, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, and the author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World and If I Have to Tell You One More Time...:The Revolutionary Program that Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling. "Nobody wants to yell at their kids," Amy says, "but we kind of fall into this trap where we ask nicely, then repeat ourselves, then remind gently, and that goes on -- repeat, remind, repeat, remind -- until we blow and they finally spring to action." So we think yelling works, but in reality, we're training our kids to become "parent deaf," because they they know they can safely ignore most of what we say. A vicious cycle ensues. Amy was two kids into parenting before began looking for another way. She learned that meeting kids' two basic emotional needs -- belonging and significance-- can go a long way. "All humans have a need for autonomy, agency, and independence," Amy says. And sometimes, well-meaning parents do things for their children that the kids could do (and would like to do) independently, with a bit of training. Doing so robs kids of opportunities to be independent. In contrast, "when kids have a sense of age-appropriate independence, agency, and control, they are less likely to fight you for power," Amy says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amy discuss: Why parents yell -- & why it's not effective How "being in the moment" can help you effectively manage your child's behavior (and your frustration!) Kids' 2 basic emotional needs Age-appropriate control How to empower (vs. enable) your children Chores vs. "contributions" The problem with rewards and stickers -- and why you should use "when/then" routines instead Collaborative problem-solving How your responses (and mental health) affect your child's behavior Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it's own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo...) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Positive Parenting Solutions -- Amy's website The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World -- book by Amy If I Have to Tell You One More Time...:The Revolutionary Program that Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling -- book by Amy Kate Mangino on Teaching Boys to be Equal Partners -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at about 17:00) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Sexual abuse affects boys and men too. 1 in 6 boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. But, in part due to lingering shame and stigmas, many victims don't disclose the abuse until years later (if at all). They suffer in silence. Court Stroud was one of those boys. He was 6 years old the first time he was sexually assaulted. He was in third-grade the next time he was assaulted. More assaults occurred in his teenage and young adult years. And yet, he told no one. "This is a story I wasn't comfortable talking about, even with those closest to me, until about four years ago," Court says. He did1 in 6 boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. But, in part due to lingering shame and stigmas, many victims don't disclose the abuse until years later (if at all). n't tell his mother (and other close relatives) about the abuse until his Newsweek essay, "After 50 Years of Sexual Assault Shame, I'm Finally Reclaiming My Voice," won a prestigious journalism award in the Spring of 2022. He learned then "that the terror they were going to reject me" was all in his head. Sharing his story, he hopes, will help others. "We're only as sick as our secrets," Court says. "The more transparently that I'm able to live, the healthier I'm able to be. The silence was worse than the incident." Need help or support? Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Court discuss: How sexual abuse harms boys The link between sexual assault and shame -- and how shame keeps people quiet The last-lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse Fight, flight, or freeze stress response "Healthy adults don't ever ask children to keep secrets" Why talking about tough things is so important When to seek mental health assistance Using TV shows & news stories to educate boys about sexual violence Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: courtstroud.com -- Court's website (includes link to his podcast, Revolucion!) "After 50 Years of Sexual Assault Shame, I'm Finally Reclaiming My Voice" -- Court's ASJA award-winning essay The Grizzly in the Purple Pants -- Court's NYT article Stop Sexual Abuse with These 6 Steps -- BuildingBoys post Pay Attention to Stop Sexual Abuse -- BuildingBoys post Sexual Abuse & Penn State -- classic BuildingBoys post National Sexual Assault Hotline  1-800-656-4673 RAINN -- United States' largest anti-sexual violence organization Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

You might not even realize you have a boy with executive function challenges. Instead, you (or others) might think he's "disorganized," "lazy," "resistant," or "unmotivated." Seth Perler was one of those boys. Now, he's an executive function coach who helps other kids develop the skills they need to thrive. Seth is also the founder of The Online Executive Function Summit (TEFOS). TEFOS 2022 is August 5-7 -- and it's FREE! You can use this link to take advantage of the TEFOS 2022 Early Bird Special, which will give you lifetime access to each of the expert-led sources. This year's TEFOS includes sessions led by previous ON BOYS' guests Tosha Schore, ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt, and Debbie Reber, as well as dozens of other mental health professionals, authors, and neuroscience specialists. Of course, an August summit won't help you today, so we're re-running a previous conversation with Seth Perler, who reminds us that “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing – and one thing only – and that's EXECUTIVE FUNCTION.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don't struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren't effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) “catch up” When (& how) to reach out to your son's teacher How to deal with resistance Why it's OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com — Seth's website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys – ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck — TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function — Seth's video/blog post, mentioned at 33:10 The Executive Focus Online Summit (TEFOS 22) -- FREE summit organized by Seth Register for FREE here  Get LIFETIME ACCESS + transcripts + bonus materials with the Early Bird Special (available thru Aug. 4, 2022)

Stress and trauma can make it difficult for boys to thrive. Counseling, chiropractic care, socio-emotional learning, and other child-focused interventions may help, but only to a certain degree. For real, lasting, sustainable change to occur, adults must manage their own stress. "There's nothing good that's going to come of taking our children to others for help until we have looked at ourselves," says Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a psychologist based in Texas. The first step to helping our boys thrive, she says, is becoming stress-aware. Chronic, on-going stress can turn into toxic stress and trauma. And trauma can inhibit our ability (and our kids' ability) to become their best selves. Trauma can make it difficult for boys to thrive. "Trauma is not an event," Dr. Sandy clarifies, but an emotional response to a distressing experience. It can be cumulative as well. People who have experience a second or third trauma before they've had the opportunity to heal or recover from the first trauma may struggle more than those who've had time to heal. Trauma doesn't simply "go away" once when a stressor is removed. It can get "stalled" in the body, Dr. Sandy says, and negatively affect our physical and mental functioning. Healing trauma It's possible to heal from trauma. "There are remarkable and simple tools you can use to 'tease' that trauma out" of your nervous system, Dr. Sandy says. Parents can help boys thrive by first healing their own trauma. "As we being to heal, children pick up a different energy from us and they spontaneously heal with us," she says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Sandy discuss: The effect of stress on the body and brain Toxic stress & trauma Early developmental trauma How trauma affects parenting Symptoms of parental trauma Tools to heal trauma and emotional dysregulation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: drsandygluckman.com — Dr. Sandy's website Heal Your Trauma -- Dr. Sandy's program (mentioned at 23:48) www.youtube.com/user/sandygluckman — Dr. Sandy's YouTube channel Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode Helping Boys Become More Resilient w Dr. Sandy Gluckman -- ON BOYS episode Dr. Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive -- ON BOYS episode Honoring Dads on Father's Day (& Always) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 31:48 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Hank, the 90 lb. dog

Kate Mangino is right: “The last thing any working parent needs is to add ‘solve gender inequality' to their to-do list.”  But if we don't think about gender inequality in the home, we might end up unintentionally perpetuating it. After all, for most of our lives, females have been assumed to be the primary and "natural" caretakers of home and family, while males have been primarily expected to earn a living. Those roles are shifting, of course, but facts are facts: women still bear the brunt of household chores and do most caretaking.  Creating gender equality "We're talking about a social system that we're all born into," says Kate, a gender expert, mom of two, and author of Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home. "The way we raise boys and the toys that we give them and the values that we instill in them lead them to value income generation more than anything else. "We have to recognize these 'tracks' we're putting our kids on and break that cycle." Men who are equal partners in their homes and families are generally very satisfied with their lives. "I feel good about myself," they told Kate. "and have a great relationship with my spouse. I have a great relationship with my kids." When we don't teach boys the skills they need to be equal partners at home, we are unnecessarily limiting them.  Teaching boys to notice what needs to be done "Noticing time" is a strategy Kate uses to teach her son and daughter the cognitive skills required to effectively manage a home. "When I give my kids a chore list, they're not going cognitive labor; I'm training my kids to be helpers," she says. "Noticing time" is intended to help kids anticipate and plan for necessary tasks. Instead of telling her kids what to do, she instead sets a timer and asks them to figure out what needs to be done. "The first time I tried this, it was a joke," she admits. The family living room was a lived-in mess, complete with empty food containers and scattered silverware. But both kids thought the room looked fine. Over time, though, their ability to notice and act improved. "They started to see what gets messy quickly," Kate says. "They realized that the sink in their bathroom is often gross, so that's a good starting point for them. Now, they know what to do and the house looks better. I'm getting both of them to the point where they're capable of doing the cognitive labor" it takes to run a home and family. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kate discuss: Ebbs and flows of gender equality at home Traditional "male" and "female" roles in the home How parenting practices affect gender equality Talking about household responsibilities Valuing caregiving How gender equality in the home benefits boys & men The "men's glass ceiling" Maternal gatekeeping "Noticing time" Establishing family standards Giving boys opportunities to contribute Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home, by Kate Mangino The Equal Partner Quiz -- mentioned at 22:35 Mom's Hierarchy of Needs -- mentioned at 19:01 Single Parenting with Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Dr. Mary Wilde's Resilience School Online, 8-week program that includes video lessons, a downloadable workbook, and ongoing membership to The Courage Circle, a private Facebook community where families can receive support and celebrate successes.

Highly sensitive people -- boys & parents alike -- are prone to overwhelm.  They're also likely to be misunderstood (and, perhaps, misdirected) by parents, teachers, coaches, and others. "I was told my entire life, 'You're too damn sensitive,'" says Alane Freund, a licensed psychotherapist, highly sensitive person (HSP), & parent a of highly sensitive son. Alane describes 4 characteristics of highly sensitive people, which can be remembered using the acronym "DOES": Deep processing Over-arousal Strong emotional reactions Sensitivity to subtle stimuli In simple terms, a highly sensitive individual has a "more reactive" brain, Alane says, and a "finely tuned nervous system." (Fun fact: 15-20% of the members of all species may be highly sensitive. There are even highly sensitive fruit flies and sun fish!) HSPs benefit from structure and routines in daily life. Be realistic about time, and include your child in planning. You can also teach (and role model) relaxation strategies to help highly sensitive children (and adults!) reset. These strategies can help any child thrive. Unfortunately, highly sensitive boys are sometimes misdiagnosed. Because they tend to withdraw from overstimulation, they may be classified as avoidant or autistic, and highly active HSP boys are often diagnosed with ADHD. Society has yet to "make space" for the 50% of boys and men who are more sensitive and more thoughtful than the norm, Alane says. We can make progress on that front by seeing, recognizing, and appreciating highly sensitive boys. "One of the most important things we can do for children to build resiliency is to give them adults who see them -- who truly see them and are not their parents," Alane says. Parents, of course, are important, but kids need the support, appreciation, and encouragement of coaches, teachers, and others as well. With this support, highly sensitive boys can become "amazing partners, amazing leaders, and world changers," Alane says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Alane discuss: Characteristics of highly sensitive people Differences between sensory processing disorder & high sensitivity Scheduling/time management for HSPs How to prevent over-arousal Managing overwhelm Highly sensitive boys in school Why the world needs HSPs Helping HSP boys navigate masculinity and gender expectations Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: alanefreund.com -- Alane's website Alane Freund's YouTube channel The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron (book mentioned at 5:08) The Highly Sensitive Parent: Be Brilliant in Your Role, Even When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron (book mentioned at 19:41) Sensitive: The Untold Story -- documentary mentioned at 35:55 (available on Amazon Prime) The Strong, Sensitive Boy: Help Your Son Become a Happy, Confident Man, by Ted Zeff (book mentioned at 38:42) Brain Power Wellness - YouTube channel mentioned at 23:21 Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen -- ON BOYS episode Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias, & Sensitive Boys (Listener Q & A) -- ON BOYS episode Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Puberty happens to every body - and boys need to know how puberty affects bodies and brains. You-ology: A Puberty Guide for EVERY Body, by Dr. Trish Hutchison, Dr. Kathryn Lowe, & Dr. Melissa Homes, addresses puberty in a holistic, inclusive manner. That's important because "all kids need this information," Dr. Hutchison says. "All kids need to know what all kids go through. It makes them more supportive and empathetic of each other." Boys need to understand female puberty, and all kids today need to learn about the challenges and experiences of gender non-conforming and non-binary children. Boys typically begin puberty somewhere between ages 9 to 14, but their need for accurate information starts well before that. "The earlier you talk about it, the more receptive and excited they are about these changes," Dr. Hutchison says. And boys, she says, are actually eager to learn more about how female and gender non-conforming bodies work. "Kids who know what's ahead have more confidence and less anxiety," Dr. Hutchison says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Hutchison discuss: When boys start puberty Why it's so hard to talk about puberty Sexual abuse prevention Seizing teachable moments How to get comfortable talking about puberty & sex Talking about gender identity w kids Social aspects of puberty Satisfying sexual curiosity Talking to boys about masturbation & pornography Supporting gender diverse kids Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: You-ology: A Puberty Guide for EVERY Body, by Dr. Trish Hutchison, Dr. Kathryn Lowe, & Dr. Melissa Homes Guyology -- online male puberty program Girlology -- online female puberty program Just the Facts: A Guy's Guide to Growing Up (Girology/Guyology), by Dr. Trish Hutchison & Dr. Melissa Homes Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) -- ON BOYS podcast 21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford -- ON BOYS podcast Turning Red -- Disney/Pixar movie mentioned at 29:52 Period Education Project -- nonprofit mentioned at 36:41 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

"Boy mom" Claire Zulkey is the only female in her family. (Yes, the family dogs are male too.) She's also a self-described "evil witch" & creator of Evil Witches newsletter, a fantastic community and newsletter for people who happen to be mothers and know that you can love and loathe your kids at the same time. Claire's son are now 7 and nearly 10, and she's learned to let them handle their own disagreements, for the most part. (After teaching them ways to compromise and manage conflict) "I let them be mad at each other," she says. "I let them work it out, and they do work it out." That's not to say life is always pleasant and peaceful at Claire's home. "It has been a wild year. A wild couple of years," she admits. There were lots of calls and emails from her son's school regarding his behavior. "I had a really hard time not taking it personally," Claire says. She worried that the school (& others) would think she was condoning her son's behavior -- or worse: teaching him that he could do whatever he wanted at school. Connecting with other moms (especially other "boy moms") helped her cope. "You have to find your friends," Claire says. "Your friends; not your kids' friends. Someone who takes parenting really seriously but can laugh about it." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Claire discuss: Living with a kid with ADHD Sibling relationships Real life with boys Managing know-it-all boys & mansplaining Dealing with misbehavior at school The value of connecting with other boy moms Shifting our parenting as our boys move into middle school & puberty Younger boys learning from older boys Negative self talk Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Evil Witches newsletter - newsletter for people who happen to be mothers, by Claire Zulkey Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode The First Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: Practical Advice for Your Son's Formative Years -- Jen's book (mentioned at 24:40) Growing Up Great: The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys -- book mentioned by Claire (at 29:07) Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 29:50) What You Need to Know about Boys & Suicide -- our ON BOYS conversation w Katey McPherson (mentioned at 39:40) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy   

Father's Day here in America was first celebrated on June 19, 1910. It wasn't declared an official holiday until 1972—58 years AFTER  Mother's Day was made official. Dads have long been assumed to be secondary parents, at best. But popular and persistent stereotypes of fatherhood -- though perhaps grounded in some truth -- don't accurately depict many fathers. How stereotypes hold back dads These stereotypes, though, affect boys and men. They can feed a mistrust of men and fathers that affects potential dads too. The common "incompetent father" trope (think Homer Simpson) can cause people to unconsciously assume that "you're going to be bumbling, you're going to be dangerous, you're going to make poor decisions," says Andy, a new father (and Janet's son-in-law!), who admits to internalizing those ideas. Although his son is only 3 1/2 months old, Andy has already learned the value of staying focused on the present. "I don't know how to raise my son in 5 years. I don't know what to tell him when he's 15. And I don't know that spending any time predicting is going to help me be responsive to it," he says. "What I'm learning, more and more, is that if I'm just present with him, I can figure out what's happening with him and how to respond." Braden Bell, a father, grandfather, and teacher, applauds that approach. "I'm not sure you could have better parenting advice for any age than that," Braden says. "Be present and engaged, full stop." So much over-parenting, he notes, results from parents acting on their fears, instead of responding to the present moment. Evolving expectations for fathers Like many dads, Braden and Andy are both grappling with society's evolving expectations of dads. Not that long ago, dads were expected to be breadwinners and disciplinarians. Today, fathers are involved, active parents who develop (and treasure) intimate relationships with their children. Societal shifts (such as the increasing prevalence of paternity leave) support these changes -- which research shows is good for kids, dads, moms, and society at large. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Andy & Braden discuss: Cultural stereotypes of fathers Supporting fathers Talking to boys about fatherhood How media depictions of dads have changed Dads' experience of fatherhood How staying present can decrease parental stress & anxiety - & improve parenting Supporting father involvement in schools & education Appreciating father-style parenting Father fears How dads develop intimacy The power of paternity leave Fathers supporting fathers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parent-Teacher Conference: A Teacher-Dad on Parenting Teens -- Braden's newsletter Dads Speak on Father's Day -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course

Michael Ian Black shares some important and (mostly serious) thoughts about how to be a better man with his son -- and all of us -- in his book, A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son. The question of raising good men seems all too significant as the United States (again) wrestles with the fact that nearly all mass shooters are male. But there is hope. "Boys, in general, for all of our problems -- and we have them, & they are not insignificant -- are okay," Black says, "Boys, like girls, are resilient and strong and creative and adaptable, and need some attention, guidance, and love." With support, he says, boys can move forward in positive and constructive ways. "Boyhood and manhood do not need to be reinvented," Black says. "It doesn't even need to be altered significantly. It needs to be enhanced and expanded." Quien es Mas Macho? To help you understand the limitations and rigidity of currently cultural constructions of masculinity, consider the old Saturday Night Live skit, Quien Es Mas Macho? The 1970s skit featured Bill Murray as a game show host, asking 2 contestants to choose decide which of 2 or more (very attractive, popular, masculine) Latino men were "mas macho," or more macho? Sounds silly -- and it is, because the premise is ridiculous: the contestant are being asked to choose between people who are all stereotypically macho. But what makes it funny, Black explains, is that we can play that game -- what's more macho? -- with any 2 random items or people, and we all nearly instantaneously know the "answer." (Try it: What's more macho? Coffee or tea? A German shepherd or a poodle? Butter or margarine?) Most boys are fluent in our shared cultural vocabulary around masculinity by age 5. And when boys deviate from those expectations, they understand they're running a risk of being portrayed as more girl-ish, Black says. "If we step in the wrong place, we risk being mocked and teased," he says. To help our boys become better men, we need to work on ourselves so we can become the kind of person we want them to. We also need to "listen to them, and treat them with respect," Black says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss: Expanding boyhood and the definitions & expectations of masculinity How the day-to-day work of parenting helps shape our boys Achievement gaps between boys and girls Helping boys become their full selves How the death of Michael's dad affected him Role-modeling "Rules" of masculinity Class clowns Listening to our boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Boys Are Not All Right -- Michael's viral NYT article A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son, by Michael Ian Black michaleianblack.org -- Michael's website (includes a link to his tour schedule & upcoming shows) Red Flags, Safety Nets, & School Shootings -- BuildingBoys post by Jen (mentioned at 7:29) In Praise of the Class Clown -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 24:54) Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma -- ON BOYS podcast about how to look at/deal with your own "stuff," so you can be the kind of person you want your kid to be Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Britt Hawthorne, a mom of 2 boys and author Raising Antiracist Children: A Practical Parenting Guide, says that raising antiracist kids requires teaching them to identify unfairness. It includes incorporating an anti-bias lens when doing, well, almost anything. Britt's oldest son was about 12 years old when his homework required him to imagine he was a colonist in Jamestown or Plymouth and write a letter to relatives back home in England. The boy completed the work as assigned, but his mom took it a bit farther. "Who do you think this assignment is centering?" she asked. "Who had cousins in England in 1620?" Forced labor and human trafficking was ongoing and common at the time; the lesson contained no mention of either of those things. "I wonder," she said to her, "what information is left out of this story?" We can all help our kids learn to identify unfairness and erasure. And we can show them how to take action and drive change. You can start by challenging and changing your language. Consider using "people of the global majority" instead of "BIPOC" or "people of color;" after all, at least 80% of the humans on this planet are not white. In this episode, Janet, & Britt discuss: Diversity, justice, & systemic inequities Responding to racist behavior in the classroom (and elsewhere) Educational racism Choosing homeschooling when available education options aren't serving your kids Challenging and expanding lessons, assignments, and narratives that only focus one group Embracing differences Answering kids' tough questions Differentiating between "uncomfortable" and "unsafe" -- & learning to lean into uncomfortable Language shifts that can help decenter white-ness (Example: "people of the global majority" instead of "BIPOC" or "people of color') Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising Antiracist Children: A Practical Parenting Guide -- Britt's book britthawthorne.com -- Britt's website (includes links to her blog, antiracism workshops, & lots of free info) Addressing Racism & Racial Disparities with Hilary Beard -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course

Sleep is as important to our teens as our toddlers. But ensuring a teenage boy gets the sleep he needs is even more difficult than convincing a toddler to nap that day after you move him from the crib to a toddler bed. Teen boys are even more strong-willed than toddlers -- and most are bigger and stronger than us too. Add in school schedules that are totally out-of-sync with teens' circadian rhythms and the ever-present pull of screens and social media and it's easy to see why most teens aren't getting nearly enough sleep. And though some teens (and adults) consider "getting by" on little sleep a badge of honor, "There are no benefits to being sleep-deprived. There is nothing you do better when you're sleep-deprived," says Lisa L. Lewis, author of The Sleep-Deprived Teen: Why are Teens are So Tired, and How Parents and Schools Can Help Them Thrive. The biological truth is that teens need more sleep than adults. Adults need 7-9 hours of sleep per night for good health; teens, 8-10 hours. Sleeping in on the weekend can help -- but not as a long-term strategy. Much smarter (& healthier) to consistently prioritize sleep. "Carve out and guard time for sleep," Lisa says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss: Shift in circadian rhythm during adolescence How homework contributes to teen sleep loss Sleep & mental health Teen sleep needs Should we let teens sleep in on weekends? Nap during the day? Daylight savings time impact on sleep Working with schools and state to develop healthier school start times Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Sleep-Deprived Teen: Why Our Teens are So Tired, and How Parents and Schools can Help Them Thrive -- Lisa's book lisallewis.com -- Lisa's website Boys & Body Image -- previous ON BOYS episode featuring Lisa Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order

Dads need to help boys understand and shape masculinity. In years past, fathers were often "there, but not there," according to Craig Wilkinson, a dad of two and founder of Father a Nation, a South African nonprofit that addresses gender-based violence, crime and fatherlessness by restoring and equipping  men to be nation-builders, fathers and role models. Dads focused on providing for their families, as that's what they were taught. They didn't engage emotionally because their parents didn't emotionally engage with them -- and because few people recognized fathers' role in the emotional development of children. Now we know that fathers are critically important to their children's well-being -- to the world's well-being. "Boys look to older men to model for them how to be a man," Craig says. The question boys are often asking (whether they verbalize it or not) is Am I man enough? Do I have what it takes? When boys aren't taught to harness their strength and drives, they may behave in ways that harm themselves and others. But "if a boy is seen and validated...and taught to use his drives and his strengths for good, there's no need for him to hurt himself or misuse his strength in any way," Craig says. Consistently "being there" for our boys is key. "If they consistently know you are there and the door's open, they will come," Craig says. "They will come." Parents, he says, need to "Be there. Be present, be engaged, be there." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Craig discuss: The changing role of fathers Finding male mentors What boys and girls need from dads Counteracting mixed messages about masculinity Supporting boys through puberty How moms can facilitate father/son relationships Signaling your availability to your son (even if you don't live with him) Making micro-connections A human-first approach Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: craigwilko.com -- Craig's website; includes links to his books Father a Nation -- includes link to free online course, No Excuse for Abuse: Why Gender-Based Violence Happens and How We Can Stop It The 12 Dad Verbs  Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma -- ON BOYS podcast Love Bridges: Why Moments of Micro-Connection Matter, by Maggie Dent Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course

 Gender bias affects boys' experience in schools. It's most often unconscious and unintentional bias but it affects how our boys see themselves and how they feel about school and learning. And until we admit that fact and grapple with the gender equation in schools, things aren't going to get much better. Educator Jason Ablin learned that lesson the hard way. Early in his teaching career, he assumed he was doing a great job connecting with students of all genders. An in-depth, in-classroom evaluation, though, helped him see that he disciplined his male students more harshly -- "which, ironically," he says "reinforced the messages they were receiving about manhood, versus providing them with a different paradigm of how to open up and express frustration or vulnerability." The need for gender-aware education has perhaps never been greater, but too many people, Ablin says, forget that gender affects boys as well. "When I go into schools and mention the word 'gender,' there are two assumptions that are made immediately," he says. "One, that we're talking about girls and feminism. Two, that we're talking about LBGTQ kids. That's all extremely important, but it limits our ability to address the concerns of teachers in the classroom who are struggling to connect with and teach kids." Boys, meanwhile, frequently feel like they're "never winning," Ablin says -- which, in some boys, can escalate into reactive behavior. Other boys fall into a depressive spiral. ALL boys need the adults around them to recognize their need to be seen. Without this support, boys often create social hierarchies based on dominance; these hierarchies frequently perpetuate unhealthy forms of masculinity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jason discuss: How gender affects student/teacher interactions Helping boys succeed in school The boy crisis in education The "kept prince" phenomenon Disciplining boys Boys and mental health Boys' social hierarchies How parents can encourage change in schools Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ablineducation.com -- Jason's website (includes preview chapter of his book) The Gender Equation in Schools: How to Create Equity and Fairness for All Students -- Jason's book Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course

Finding ecohappiness can decrease boys' anxiety levels and increase family harmony.  There's a strong -- and direct -- link between time in nature and mental health. Human beings require nature exposure for optimal physical and mental health. Of course, that's easier to say than to achieve in modern life, when many of us live in urban environments and use screens to work, learn, and socialize. But there are fun ways to integrate nature exposure with daily life, says Sandi Schwartz, founder of the Ecohappiness Project and author of Finding Ecohappiness: Fun Nature Activities to Help Your Kids Feel Happier and Calmer.  "A huge study came out a couple years ago that said, all you really need is 120 minutes a week connecting to nature. So that's about 20 minutes a day," Sandi says. "You an build a nature habit by looking at your family's routine and tweaking it. Can you walk somewhere for an errand? Eat outside? Do homework or an art project outside?" Such slight changes can make a big difference in boys' (and parents'!) moods and functioning. Research also shows that nature stimulates human creativity, productivity,  and curiosity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sandi discuss: Definition of ecohappiness Link between nature & mental health How to sneak in nature time -- and bring nature into your home Helping kids (and parents) feel comfortable in nature Adding in free play Making time to experience ecohappiness Teens and nature Citizen science Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Finding Ecohappiness: Fun Nature Activities to Help Your Kids Feel Happier and Calmer, by Sandi Schwartz EcohappinessProject.com -- Sandi's website (includes quiz & link to FREE 30-day Echohappiness Challenge Calendar) Picky Eaters, Family Meals, and Nutrition -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 29:22) Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, & Boys -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order  

Mathew Blades was a father and successful radio DJ before he recognized the impact of generational trauma on his life. On his boys' lives. Sure, his childhood included a lot of screaming and some spanking. And sure, his father died abruptly when Mathew was just 23 years old. Stuff happens. Mathew did what most people do: he buried his pain and pushed through. That worked, more or less. Until the back pain and shingles, stress and panic attacks. Until Mathew had to admit that he wasn't doing well. He sought help and healing, and now encourages and supports others as they do the same as the host of the podcast Learn From People Who Lived It. "I'm suggesting we get proactive so we can turn out the best version of ourselves," Mathew says, "and ultimately, raise the best kids." If we don't do that, we may self-sabotage and unintentionally create drama in our lives. We may hurt ourselves and others. You can begin healing by focusing on self-care: real, foundational self-care, like sleep, nutrition, and movement. "Putting yourself first isn't selfish," Mathew says. "It's the only way to ever get the best version of yourself." Counter-intuitively, focusing on yourself is one of the best things you can do for your kids. "I know we all want to work on our kids and do all the things for them," Mathew says, "but the moment that you work on yourself -- that's really when you start working on your kids." Do not underestimate the importance of taking care of yourself. As youth hockey coach, Mathew often tells his teams, "The difference between a great team and a good team is that the great team does the fundamentals perfectly. They don't mess up the fundamentals." We parents, he says, should heed that advice as well. Caring for our foundational, fundamental needs is essential to being the best parent and human we can be. In this episode, Jen & Mathew discuss: How our stories and experiences impact our parenting Finding & understanding your inner child Setting boundaries Why putting yourself first isn't selfish The role of anger Healing from generational trauma Making amends Asking for help Building structure and routine Simple self-care Meditation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Learn From People Who Lived It -- Mathew's podcast How to Have a Kid and a Life -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

Why are video games so important to boys? That's the question a listener sent in response to our recent call for questions. The listener who asked that question just happens to be Jen's brother -- and another one of their brothers happens to be a video game designer, so we got them all together to explore the role of video games in boys' lives. "I remember feeling so ticked when things went wrong when I was playing," says Doc Wondra, a dad of 3 who grew up gaming on the Atari, ColecoVision and Nintendo systems. "I felt cheated by the video game and was just mad at everything in that moment and felt a little bit out of control." He even admits to tossing a controller or two. Of course, now that he's a father, he's annoyed and somewhat baffled by such behavior in his 9-year-old son. "He doesn't just get upset," Doc says. "He gets upset and then shares that 'upsetness' with whoever's nearby." Sound familiar? Greg Wondra (Jen & Doc's brother and a video game designer and dad of 3) says boys' emotional reactions to video games result, in part, from their experience of the flow state. A person is in flow when they are deeply immersed in an activity. "Games are designed to -- and excel at -- keeping you in flow," Greg says. "I think part of the reason boys get very frustrated is that they get busted out of the flow state." Video games also meet a lot of boys' psychological needs: for achievement, creativity, exploration, and socialization. So, if you're worried that your boy is spending too much time gaming, consider his psychological needs. Is your son engaged in other activities that fill some of his needs? Can you give your son more freedom and autonomy in the real world? "There's not many places today where kids feel successful," Doc says. Helping kids find and experience success in other areas of their lives may decrease their reliance on video games. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Doc & Greg discuss: Boys' emotional reactions to video games How boys' developmental level affects their interaction with video games Handling screen time transitions Setting screen time & video game boundaries How to use principles of game design in your parenting Understanding how video game "pain points" are designed to motivate behavior Responding to boys' requests for in-game purchases The link between video gaming & boys' social status Video games as an expression of self Bartle's 4 primary gamer types How video games meet boys' needs Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Video Games & Boys (w special guest Greg Wondra) -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Design - A Career for Boys (also featuring Greg) -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS episode Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi -- book mentioned by Greg Bartle's Player Types for Gamification --  International Design Foundation article (discussed at 30:35) The Bartle Test of Gamer Psychology -- online test to determine you (or your son's) gamer "type" Dads Speak on Father's Day -- ON BOYS episode (featuring Doc Wondra) Video game design courses by Greg  -- a great opportunity for boys to learn HOW to build games Unreal Engine:  Intro to Game Design Unreal Engine:  Create an Arcade Classic! Unreal Engine:  Open World Landscapes Unreal Engine:  Character Skill System Unreal Engine:  Character UI

Sex talks with tweens can be...awkward.  Even Amy Lang, ON BOYS' go-to sex ed guru, stumbled through her initial sex talks with her son. "I thought I'd be great at it, but I just wasn't," she says. "I realized I'd rather talk to a 15 year old about their pregnancy than talk to my five year old about his penis." But boys need accurate information about human bodies, sexuality, and relationships. They need our help to recognize and explore cultural messages about sex and sexuality. The tween years can be a great time to explore these subjects. "Between approximately age 9 and 12, their brains are still open; adolescence has not yet happened," Amy says, so tween boys may be more open to these conversations than teens. You can also speak more freely, as most tweens will already have some baseline knowledge. "You can't harm your child by talking to them about sex," Amy says. "If you're giving them the information, it won't hurt them." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amy discuss: Sex talks with tweens When -- and how -- to start talking about sex Helping boys untangle cultural messages about sex and sexuality What to do if your son has been exposed to porn What to do if your son shows porn to other kids Helping boys find safe outlets for natural curiosity Average penis size Polyamory Talking about sexual abuse & "tricky people" Consent Sex for fun & pleasure Should parents tell their kids about their sexual experiences? First time? Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Bird & Bees & Kids -- Amy's website (includes a link to her Solutions Center) USE THE COUPON CODE BOYS TO GET $30 OFF LIFETIME ACCESS TO AMY'S SOLUTION CENTER Amy Lang's Just Say This -- Amy's podcast Amy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online -- ON BOYS episode Talk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) --- ON BOYS episode 21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford -- ON BOYS episode The Joy of Sex -- book recommended by Amy (at 22:20) Savage Love - sex Q & A by Dan Savage Savage Lovecast -- Dan Savage's podcast Boundaries & Consent (w Sarah Casper) -- ON BOYS episode Consent w Mike Domitrz -- ON BOYS episode Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- Building Boys post Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

Raising boys brings up all kinds of questions! Kristen asks: Is it normal for a 9-10 year old boy to get into physical altercations with friends at every play date? Juliann asks for help figuring out how to best support a son who is "generally non-ambitious" when he finally identifies and pursues an ambition. She asks: How can I tell when I'm giving enough support without smothering or causing learned helplessness? Leslie finds herself in "constant battles" with her 11-year-old son. An example: If I ask him nicely to put his shoes away (example: Hey bud, will you please put your shoes up?) he'll take his shoes to his room and throw on the floor. I'll tell him nicely to put them up in his closet (where they've gone since he was 5), and he'll throw a huge fit about it. Anything that takes time away from him doing what he wants it's a battle. Some days are better than others, but this is literally every day since he was about 6. Brenda wonders: How to graciously acknowledge the almost daily calls and emails from school regarding behavior.  And then discuss with my 6th grader.  And not feel like a failure on the process. Jennifer wants to know: How do you help them stop complaining about EVERYTHING??? Sarah, a mom of three boys, wants to know how to handle bathroom messes: I've told them SO many times - in different tones- to just clean it up, to lift the seat, to sit down instead…etc. My question is: what can I do to encourage them to care about this and to take ownership to make choices to prevent it and in the case of accidental drips they clean it up themselves?!  Petra, a mom in the middle of separating from her son's father, has noticed that... our son is not only being more and more alike his father. But he speaks often to me as his father, as if he wanted to speak for him, to help him to make me down. ...and wonders how to respond. In this episode, Jen & Janet: Playdates & roughhousing Boy friendships The fine learn between "helping" and "smothering" Picking & choosing your battles Feeling like a failure Managing emotions Communicating & collaborating with teachers Trusting our boys Teaching (& modeling) gratitude Bathroom messes Parenting sons through divorce & separation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode Managing Emotions -- ON BOYS episode Homework and Boys -- ON BOYS episode Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post Parenting Boys thru Divorce -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

How can we help boys develop healthy body image?  That's not a question parents of boys asked in previous generations. Girls, parents thought, were the ones at risk for body dissatisfaction, given the constant onslaught of heavily stylized (and often Photoshopped) images of impossibly perfect and thin women featured in magazines, movies, and TV shows. But boys aren't immune to body image pressure. As many as 75% of adolescent boys are dissatisfied with their bodies – and that dissatisfaction leads many of them to TikTok & Instagram, where they encounter unrealistic images of chiseled abs and chests AND workout and nutrition regimens that influencers swear will them help get a “ripped” body. Boys are just as susceptible to body image pressure and bad dietary and fitness advice as girls are -- and the results can be devastating. "We've feminized this issue for so long that boys are afraid to admit that it's a concern for them," says Charlotte Markey, a body image researcher and co-author of Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys. But research shows that many 6-year-old boys think they'd look better with muscles. These young boys' perceptions are likely influenced by the fact that the male bodies featured in movies and media have gotten "more extreme" in recent years, says Ed Frauenheim, co-author of Reinventing Masculinity. Today's action figures, he notes, are "more chiseled" than those created a few decades ago. 3% of boys are now using steroids in an attempt to alter their bodies, and 7% use supplements.  "The message in our culture is that 'if you just work a little harder' or 'try this' or 'buy this product,' then you can make yourself into this superhero action figure in real life," Markey says. "But that's not how this really works." Parents can help boys develop healthy body image by discussing masculinity & what it means to be a man. Together, interrogate & challenge gender norms and expectations. "It's important to question, 'what do you want these muscles for?'" Frauenheim says. Boys' answers to that question can reveal both their state of mine and underlying assumptions about men and masculinity. You can also ask boys to name people they admire -- and then, ask what those people look like. Such conversations can help underscore the fact that our bodies are often the least interesting and important thing about us. "The most important thing for health and happiness is not your level of fitness," Frauenheim says, citing research from Harvard. "It's your relationships. And body image obsession can actually interfere with relationships." Make sure your boys know that it's okay to build muscles, as long as they're more focused on building relationships. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Charlotte & Ed discuss: Why parents & doctors don't know as much about body image and eating disorders in boys as in girls The link between social media & boys' body image issues Talking to boys about actors who transform their bodies for superhero movies Steroid & supplement use Helping boys recalibrate their body image expectations When to worry about exercise & "healthy" eating ("If you won't eat dessert on your birthday, that's a problem," Markey says.) How often boys really need to shower (Spoiler: there's no scientific consensus!) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys, by Charlotte Markey, Daniel Hart, Douglas Zacher Preparing Boys for the World of Work -- ON BOYS episode featuring Ed Frauenheim Boys Get Eating Disorders Too -- ON BOYS episode featuring Oona Hanson (mentioned at 22:57) Boys & Body Image -- ON BOYS episode What Is "Bigoerexia?" -- NYT article mentioned at 10:20 Steroids are Rampant Among Fitness Influencers, Trainers & Body Builders Say. Most Use in Secret, Claiming Their Gains Come From Workouts & Diet Plans -- Insider article mentioned at 10:53 Decoding Boys w Dr.

The Global Initiative for Boys & Men (GIBM) focuses on research and advocacy to support boys and men, according to Sean Kullman, the group's president. GIBM has established a BAM index, a Boys and Men Well-Being Index, an open-source resource packed with information and statistics the reflect the well-being of boys and men. The BAM Index has data in 6 categories: Education Physical and mental health Job, career and financial health Fatherhood, family and relationships Criminal justice system and court systems Male narrative in the public discourse The data shows that "we as a culture are just meaner -- less understanding -- to boys," Kullman says. And our educational systems really don't address the fact that boys and girls, generally speaking, learn differently. To date, state and federal governments also have been hesitant to allocate funding to boys' & men's issues. Sean encourages parents of boys to run for a seat of their local school boards. "I think we need to see more parents who feel strongly about their boys running for school board," he says. "Until you get members of the community who care about boys on the board, it won't change." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sean discuss: the BAM Index (measures of men & boys well-being) Why legislators need information regarding male well-being School suspension rates for males School to prison pipeline Gender differences in drug enforcement Gender differences in educational attainment Gender discrepancies in educational funding Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Global Initiative for Boys & Men -- includes links to state reports on the Status of Boys & Men (currently, CA, CO, & MO only) Invitation to a Dialogue: Helping Boys Succeed -- Sean's NYT article (mentioned at 4:30) Coalition to Create a White House Council on Boys & Men -- mentioned at 4:36 (you'll see Jen listed under Prominent Women Supporters) Male Advocacy Group Files Legal Complaint Against Pacific Science Center for Girl-Specific Programs -- article about GIBM's activity While Biden's $2.6 Billion Policy Targets Gender Equity Abroad, Americans are Dying at Home -- Sean's article (mentioned at 14:40) The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell -- ON BOYS episode Is Shared Parenting the Best for Boys After Divorce? -- Building Boys post In His Words -- Sean's Substack newsletter, mentioned at 37:35 A Generation of Men Give Up on College -- WSJ article mentioned at 37:58 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course

When they realized that schools wouldn't change quickly enough to meet their kids' needs, members of the Black Mothers Forum opened microschools, with an eye toward ending the school to prison pipeline. Existing school leaders and educators “really did not understand how to create a safe and supportive learning environment for our Black children,” say Janelle Wood, President of The Black Mothers Forum, Inc. She recalls getting frequent calls from school (for minor issues) when her now-adult son was young, active boy. The sit-still-and-be-quiet method of learning that's still employed by many schools simply doesn't work for many kids. "We forget our children are human beings," Janelle says. They need to move. They want opportunities to apply what they've learned. And each child has distinct strengths and preferences. Sadly, those preferences -- and children's questions -- aren't always respected in the school system. "We've had parents come to us frustrated because their child has been sent to the office for an 'attitude' or their child has been considered 'disruptive' or 'disrespectful,'" Janelle says, "because the child's asked a question. Or the child was being racially bullied and seeking some assistance from the teacher," who didn't have (or take) time to respond. Black Mothers Forum initially tried to work with schools to improve the learning environment, but quickly realized that what was on the agenda at board meetings often didn't line up with the concerns expressed by parents and children. And eventually, "we came to the realization that while they were hearing us, they weren't really listening," Janelle says. "They were just nodding their heads. When we got up to share what was going on in the classroom and our concerns about how our children were being treated and how they were being disproportionately disciplined -- and those disciplinary practices were punitive, frequent, and very long-standing and had long-term impacts on our children's ability to learn -- I would have board members look at the wall," Janelle says. So, the Black Mothers Forum investigated alternative educational options and ultimately opened a series of microschools: mixed-age groups of 5-10 kids facilitated by adult learning guides. The children work on individualized learning goals via online programs, self-directed learning, and group projects. (One microschool wrote and staged their own play!) They gather in morning to discuss their personal goals  -- and how they're doing. The microschools are a school-to-purpose pipeline, Janelle says, that give kids ownership in the learning process. In this episode, Jen, Janelle, & Christina Foster discuss: Black boys' experiences in traditional schools How parents' jobs & past experiences w education affect their relationship with their kids' schools Boys' fight, flight, or fear response How traditional learning environments make it difficult for educators to support kids Advocating for educational change What a microschool is Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Black Mother's Forum -- includes contact info & links to more info about their microschools As COVID Closed Arizona's Classrooms, Black Mothers Launched Their Own Microschools with Focus on Personalized Learning, Ending the School to Prison Pipeline Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course  

Four years of ON BOYS podcast! 214 episodes, more than 900,000 downloads, and countless deep, moving moments. We've talked about vaping, sex, boys & body image, consent, connection, and misconceptions about boys. We wrestle with gender stereotypes, education, and the real-life struggles of living with boys. Janet and Jen collectively devote up to 10 hours per week to ON BOYS podcast -- 10 hours spent finding and connecting with top experts; preparing for our interviews; researching topics; engaging with listeners, educators, and boys parents; and promoting and sharing our episodes because we firmly believe that helping adults understand boys' needs is one way we can change the world for the better. You can help us help you  -- & help make the world a better place -- by subscribing to Building Boys Bulletin, Jen's weekly newsletter, and participating in Janet's Decoding Boys workshop. Here's to another years of ON BOYS! In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: What we remember about the start of ON BOYS How our lives have changed since we started podcasting The growth of ON BOYS How boys learn Managing school expectations Gender stereotypes & bias How listeners can support ON BOYS The arc of parenting GRANDCHILD REVEAL! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: My Husband and I Lived Apart for 10 Years. It Made Our Relationship Stronger -- Jen's essay, mentioned at 6:30 Vaping & E-Cigarette Use: What Parents Need to Know -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 7:22) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet

How do we raise LBGTQ allies? We know boys are (still) subject to a lot of homophobia and transphobia. Our culture is full of messages that tell boys it's best to be straight and stereotypically masculine. And though many of us think we're raising our boys to tolerant, inclusive, and accepting, they may be getting a different message from what we don't say. Chris Tompkins, author of Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, recognized the power of unspoken messages when his then 6-year-old nephew asked him -- an openly gay man -- if the female friend with him was his girlfriend. In that moment, Chris realized that his nephew didn't know he was gay. In conversations with adult family members the next day, Chris learned that most believed that his nephew wasn't "old enough to understand." Others said they didn't know how to discuss homosexuality and heterosexuality with their children. The reality, Chris says, is that there may be LGBTQ kids in our families right now. And when we don't acknowledge that -- by, for instance, not talking about homosexuality -- "we're contributing to the continuation of the closet, which is a hot bed for shame," Chris says. Most of us didn't have these conversations with our parents. We can do better for our kids. In this episode, Jen & Chris discuss: Heteronormativity How adults' lack of conversation about homosexuality perpetuates stigma and shame Talking to about sex & sexuality at  developmentally appropriate levels How seemingly innocuous questions & comments -- "Do you have a girlfriend yet?" "Wow, I bet all the girls are after you!" -- can contribute to shame and silence Subconscious beliefs we (and our kids) pick up from the dominant culture Repair & reconnection Validating kids' perceptions Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, by Chris Tompkins What Children Learn from the Things They Aren't Told -- Chris's TedX talk ARoadTripToLove.com -- Chris's website Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by Jen Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course

How many of these myths & misconceptions about boys have you heard? How many do you believe? "Boys are easier than girls." "Boys are less emotional than girls." "Boys leave their families when they grow up." "With boys, you don't have to fight over clothing choices." "There's less to worry about with a son than a daughter when they're teenagers and dating." "Boy mom" & writer Jessica Wozinsky Fleming, a mom of 4 sons (ages 7, 5, 3 & 3) has heard all of these before. (As has Jen, our resident "boy mom!") "When people found out that our last pregnancy was two boys, we heard a lot of comments like, 'oh, should I congratulations or I'm sorry?' and 'Oh! You'll have to keep going!'" Jessica says. "And these comments were often in front of my other boys, who were old enough to understand what's being asked." Such comments are difficult to explain to young boys - who may assume that those statements imply girls are more desirable than boys -- and can bring up complicated feelings of sadness in parents who initially dreamed of parenting boys and girls. Parenting boys has taught Jessica that many things people believe about boys simply aren't true. (Or, at least, not true for all boys.) "So many people have told me that boys are less emotional," she says. "But there are a lot of big emotions at my house!" Jessica Fleming & Jen (not Janet!) In this episode, Jen & Jessica discuss: Myths & misconceptions about boys Public reactions to all-boy families Helping boys recognize myths & misconceptions about boys Teaching boys about consent & talking about sexual violence Making space for boys Roughhousing Potty training boys Adapting your parenting to your kids' individual personalities Brother relationships How gender stereotypes still limit boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: jessica-fleming.com -- Jessica's website All Boys? -- classic Building Boys post To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned around 16:00) Why Roughhousing is Good for Kids, & How to Keep It Safe -- Jessica's Washington Post article The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS podcast Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more

Empowering boys is one powerful way to address the boy crisis. Some people -- often, people who don't have or work with boys -- wonder why boys need to be empowered. After all, they say, men still control most businesses and countries. But boys struggle in the classroom and in our communities. "Dangerous double standards" exist regarding sexual abuse, depending on whether the victim is male or female, says Laurie A. Couture, a mental health specialist, mother, and author of Instead of Medicating and Punishing: Healing the Causes of Our Children's Acting-Out Behavior by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended. There's a tendency, she says, to focus on male pathology rather than male needs and strengths. Couture says one of the most effective things parents can do to empower boys is to "get them out of the public school system" and explore alternative educational options such as homeschool or forest schools. "Boys should be spending the majority of their days moving," Couture says. "If boys are sitting sedentary, there is something wrong. That's not what nature intends for their development. Children learn through play. That is the vehicle by which a child's brain develops." What adults commonly view as acting-out behavior is actually nature's alert system. "It's saying 'Alert, alert! This environment is toxic for this child,'" Couture says. "it is nature's way of saying, 'Something in this environment is going against life. It's not meeting the child's needs. The child is not at homeostasis." Though it's virtually impossible to meet a child's needs 100% of the time, our efforts to respond sensitively to our boys can empower them. When a child's needs are met consistently, they develop confidence in those around them and in their own abilities. Empowering and supporting each other is another way to empower boys. "We can create spaces that welcome our boys and noise, chaos, and activity," Jen says. "We can work together, empower each other, empower our boys, and make this world better for all of us." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Laurie discuss: Gender stereotypes Homeschooling Sexual abuse and violence The importance of movement for boys The human attachment cycle Screen time & video game addiction Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: laurieacouture.com -- Laurie's website Instead of Medicating and Punishing: Healing the Causes of Our Children's Acting-Out Behavior by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended, by Laurie A. Couture Homeschool Hacks & How to Homeschool Boys -- ON BOYS episode Forest Schools Get Boys Learning Naturally -- ON BOYS episode Brain-Body Parenting with Dr. Mona Delahooke  -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 21:47) Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS episode 4 Ways to Make Your Home Movement Friendly -- article by Jen Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course

Brain-body parenting can help you raise joyful, resilient boys, says Dr. Mona Delahooke. Boys' behavior offers clues as to what's going on inside the child -- and deciphering what's happening internally can help us tailor our response to the unique human individual before us. It's time to  "move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world," says Dr. Delahooke,  a child psychologist and author of Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids and Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges. The autonomic nervous system is our "automatic nervous system," she explains. It controls our bodies' unconscious, non-voluntary reactions. Importantly, the triggers for each of us can be different. So, while some people aren't bothered by noisy environments or tags on their clothing, other people who experience those same triggers may feel "threatened," even though they are objectively safe. Their bodies may move into the "red zone," which is characterized by increased alertness and reactivity, an increased heart rate, and a desire or need to move. Chronic stress can lead to the "blue zone," a state in which humans often withdraw to conserve energy. The green, red, and blue zones are adaptive. "You are witnessing the power of human resilience," Dr. Delahooke says. "Those states are there to protect us." Learning to recognize these states of being can help parents determine an appropriate challenge zone for their kids -- and may reveal expectation gaps. You can use that information to more effectively and compassionately support your boys. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mona discuss: What is brain-body parenting? The link between the nervous system and behavior Green, red, and blue zones -- an easy way to recognize a person's current level of functioning Checks-ins vs. time-outs Getting curious about kids' behaviors Body budgets Parental self-care The challenge zone Expectation gaps Co-regulation Parallels between toddlerhood & adolescence How unrealistic expectations for young boys cause problems for boys in school Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids, by Dr. Mona Delahooke Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges, by Dr. Mona Delahooke monadelahooke.com -- Dr. Delahooke's website Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more

Picky eaters... are incredibly common. Nearly all kids go through food jags. ALL humans have food preferences. Navigating all of this around the dinner table, though, can feel frustrating and overwhelming. Even for experts. "I felt confident going into parenting!" says Rebecca Toutant, a registered dietician who began her career helping children with autism and sensory issues expand their palate. "I thought my boys would be these really wonderful, adventurous eaters and we'd sit down at the dinner table and have such peaceful family meals." That, she learned, "is just not how it works." Despite the fact that eating is a basic, natural human drive, "it takes a lot of effort and practice to really help children have a healthy relationship with food," Rebecca says. She suggests letting go of a lot of our preconceived notions and focusing on developing "confident, competent eaters." Think of eating and nutrition as an experience. Food and meals include colors, textures, sensations, and emotions. Children are naturally "neo-phobic," or hesitant to try new things, Rebecca says. That's a protective instinct. So, our kids look to us to see how we're interacting with and reacting to food -- & many, many, MANY exposures to a food (as many as 10-20) for a child to accept it. Rebecca recommends following Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility in Feeding: PARENTS are responsible for WHAT food is offered, WHERE food is offered, and WHEN Food is offered CHILDREN are responsible for HOW MUCH (or whether) they eat In this episode, Jen, Janet & Rebecca discuss: What it means to have a healthy relationship with food Identifying & deconstructing our "shoulds" regarding food and eating Introducing new foods Division of Responsibility in Feeding Why you shouldn't bribe your child to try new foods or clean their plate Picky eating vs. problem feeding vs ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) When to seek professional assistance for eating challenges Should you let your child eat a separate meal? Helping kids decipher "moral" food messages (Spoiler: No food is "good" or "bad") Dinner at a dietician's home How Jen & Rebecca know each other :) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Nourishing Bits & Bites -- Rebecca's website (follow her on FB and Instagram too!) Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith -- newsletter mentioned at 34:31 Celiac Disease Cookbook for the Newly Diagnosed: Guidance and Recipes for an Easy Transition to the Gluten-Free Diet, by Rebecca Toutant (mentioned at 41:15) Meal Prep Cookbook for Runners: Healthy Meals to Prepare, Grab and Go, by Rebecca Toutant (mentioned at 41:24) Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your order

Gender norms still (and unnecessarily!) limit boys, says journalist Lisa Selin Davis, author of Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to be Different. Which may not be an accident, since gender norms (as we know them today) were essentially created to ensure that male children grew into straight, non-homosexual men. "The way we conceive of boys' stuff and girls' stuff in this country is really only about 100 years old," she says. "It's important for us to understand that what we think of as 'normal' for boys and 'normal' for girls is culturally and temporally dependent." Up until the end of the 19th century, sex, gender, and sexuality were all kind of blurred together. When the general public began to recognize homosexuality, parents quickly learned "that it was not a desirable outcome to have your child grow up to be gay, so the way to prevent that from happening was to emphasize masculinity," Lisa says. Gender norms for females have loosened considerably in recent years. (There's a nearly 100% chance that you've seen a woman or girl wearing pants today, for instance.) But there's not yet been in equivalent expansion of the "man box" for boys and men. Many well-meaning adults still say things that reinforce gender norms and send harmful messages. "I think parents don't realize that when they say, 'oh, honey, no; don't buy that because that's a pink ball,'" Lisa says, "that they're sending a message that it's not okay to be feminine. And a message that it's not okay to be gay." Of course, no matter what we parent do, children face pressure to conform to gender norms - often, from their peers. Parents (and others) can help be supporting a child's interests, no matter what they are. "The more a child is immune to gender stereotypes, the better it is for them in life," Lisa says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lisa discuss: The history of gender norms in the United States Generational reactions to gender roles Gender & marketing Helping boys be themselves in a hyper-gendered culture Working in communities to shift gender norms Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Why a Pink Tutu Can Be a Gender-Neutral Christmas Gift -- Washington Post article by Lisa (referenced in intro) Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to Be Different, by Lisa Selin Davis BROADVIEW with Lisa Selin Davis -- Lisa's subscription newsletter Women 32% More Likely to Die After Operation by Male Surgeon, Study Reveals -- The Guardian article about the study mentioned at 13:12 How to Raise a Boy (w Michael C. Reichert) -- ON BOYS conversation To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS conversation Raising Them: Our Adventures in Gender Creative Parenting, by Kyl Myers -- book mentioned at 40:01 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your order

Nefertiti Austin's son was 6 yrs old when she realized he'd “have to learn that his race and gender could get him killed," she writes in Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America. That's not a lesson white boys have to learn, and that's one consequence of living in a country where motherhood is so white. As Nefertiti points out in her 2019 book, the default “parent” in American culture is a married white person with white children. Her 15 year old son is now 5'10 and wears a size 10 shoe. He's not an adult, but Nefertiti knows that many people are far more likely to look at her son and see a threat than a child deserving protection and nourishment. "He is seen as a Black man in America, so the protections that your sons have, he does not have," Nefertiti told Jen. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Nefertiti discuss: The "talk" parents have with Black boys Becoming a parent via adoption & the foster care system Helping boys navigate gender norms The parenthood stories we don't tell The wisdom, burdens & challenges of Black motherhood Making space for & including parents of all cultures Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: nefertitiaustion.com -- Nefertiti's website Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America, by Nefertiti Austin Supporting Black Boys' Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 16:30 How I'm Teaching My Black Children to Thrive in a World That Isn't Fair -- Nefertiti's Washington Post article (mentioned at 26:38) Critical Race Theory -- article by Nefertiti (mentioned at 27:45) Becoming -- Michelle Obama's memoir (mentioned at 32:14) The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- classic Building Boys post (mentioned at 36:13) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more  

Sports and masculinity have long been intertwined. For a long time, boys and men were the only ones who were allowed to play sports. Athletic fields and locker rooms were seen as places where boys became men. We've seen where that can lead. We've seen little boys & teenagers told to “man up!”, “rub some dirt on it” and play past the pain. We've heard “locker room talk” and know all about horrific hazing that has happened in some high school locker rooms. Each of us can probably name multiple top athletes who've been accused of sexual assault, domestic violence or murder. And yet, in recent years, we've seen some pretty amazing examples of male athletes pushing back against stereotypical gender norms.  "There's a long narrative around boys dominating the field and boys being trained to be men. And sport and athleticism was yet another arena in which boys and men could publicly demonstrate strength, domination, and power over other men," says Michael Kehler, PhD, Werklund Research Professor, Masculinities Studies at the University of Calgary. Sports, he says, has become another "bastion of the male elite" where boys and men "establish themselves within the hierarchy of masculinity." Before signing your son up for a sport, you should "think carefully about why," Michael says. Why are you choosing sport over, say, other physical activities? And why are you choosing that particular sport? It is because your son has expressed an interest in the activity? Because you or his father played it? Because you want him to toughen up? "We need to be award of the intentional ways in which we contribute to our children's understanding of gender through certain activities," he says. It is most helpful to encourage our kids to try a wide variety of activities. "The more that our children have opportunities to try things and express themselves in different ways, then the healthier they're going to be in terms of their own well-being," Michael says, "because they see that they don't need to adhere to those fairly rigid (and what can be very damaging) scripts of masculinity." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Michael discuss: Why (& how) sports & masculinity are linked How adult ideas about sport & masculinity influence the sports offer to little boys Hierarchy of sports in the male world Other physical activities for boys Sports, popularity, & social currency Helping boys understand that there are many ways to be a boy or man How coaches affect boys' understanding of masculinity Why male affection seems more welcome in sport than elsewhere Body image and bodyshaming How to tell if it's time to quit a sport Masculinity and mental health Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Rule of Being a Man: If We Know Them, Why Don't We Change Them? -- Dr. Kehler's TEDx talk Men & Boys Cry Too -- Building Boys post about incident mentioned at 4:39 How (Not) to Talk to Boys -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 21:32) Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your order

Yes, it's possible to have a kid and a life. A life beyond babies, boys, and ballgames. A life that includes your hopes, dreams, and passions. It's normal (and healthy) for your career, marriage, and friendships to shift and evolve when you become a parent. But you don't have to give your all to parenting. It's okay (and healthy!) to reserve some time and energy for yourself. "As my son got older, all of my activities centered around what he did," says Ericka Souter, a journalist and author of How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide. "I realized that I was drowning in kid activities and I was unhappy about that. I felt like I needed to do something for myself." That urge led her to interview other moms and begin writing her book. Reporting, researching, traveling and talking to others helped Erika feel whole again. Of course, it's not easy to make time for yourself amidst the demands of family life. So, you'll have to let go of things that don't serve you. "You have to give yourself permission to let go of people and activities that don't make you feel good," Ericka says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ericka discuss: The "mom gene" Making time for personal passions How to make mom friends Advocating for yourself Why taking time for yourself is good for your kids Taking back ownership of your body Prioritizing time with your partner Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide -- Ericka's book erikasouter.com -- Ericka's website Discovery of the "Mom Gene" May Explain Why Some of Us Don't Crave Having Kids -- article by Ericka (mentioned at 6:45) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more

Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2021?  Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels The answers may surprise you! 5. Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen By age 5, William Allen understood very clearly that he was different. People told him to “man up” and that he “needed to be tougher.” Their words and reactions to his emotions told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not living up to the masculine ideal. And, like many highly sensitive people (HSP), William reacted strongly to criticism. He internalized it and assumed that people were laughing at him, for instance, rather than his ridiculous costume when he took the stage in a school play. William says parents can help their highly sensitive sons learn how to verbalize and test their internal thoughts.. If you liked this episode, you may like Sensitive Boys (w Sandy Gluckman) 4. The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys Jen & Janet talk about Jen's first book, The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys! “If you don't express an openness or willingness to listen to your son's viewpoint, he's not going to listen to yours. Remember that you have different perspectives. When it comes to social issues, your son does not know what happened 20, 30, 50, 100 years before he was born. So you have important perspective that you can share with him. But at the same time, you don't know what his daily experience is like. You don't fully understand what's happening in schools, what it's like to be a kid today." If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Tween & Teenage Boys 3. Dr. Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive Many boys are stressed but don't tell their parents because “they don't want to hurt us,” Dr. Borba says. They want and need coping skills, and aren't getting what they need from school social-emotional learning (SEL) programs. And they're really worried about “flunking life.” It's time for parents to pivot and refocus their parenting efforts. The first step, Dr. Borba says, is to prioritize mental health. If you liked this episode, you may like You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs 2. How to NOT Raise an A-Hole Karen Alpert (of the blog Baby Sideburns), a mom of two and author of Mamas, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids, recognizes that parents are terrified of inadvertently raising assholes. “It is definitely one of my big fears,” she says. “I don't want to raise a kid that's an a-hole. All the sexting and scary stuff and  male chauvinism and racism  – I'm trying to hard to teach my kids that stuff shouldn't be part of their lives.” If you liked this episode, you may like Just Don't be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright)  1. Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) Boys today don't even have to go looking for porn; it finds them. A simple, developmentally appropriate search for “sex” or “boobs” can lead to some pretty disturbing content in just a click or two, which means we have to talk to our boys about sex, likely at lot earlier than you may think. “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making,” Amy says. “If we don't get in the door early, our impact is less. It's really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Sexually Active Boys Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order    

ON BOYS listeners really want to know how to keep boys safe online. Which makes sense, given that the internet is a portal to all kinds of free and easily accessible porn -- as well as conspiracy theories, disinformation, and peer pressure. In January 2021, we asked our friend Amy Lang to help us address this question, and she did not disappoint. The resulting episode was so well-received that it became our most popular episode of 2021. Keeping Boys Safe Online has been downloaded more than 8,000 times! (For context: That's 1,000 more downloads than our next most popular episode.) A few highlights: “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making. If we don't get in the door early, our impact is less. It's really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” and “I think it's way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think How boys accidently encounter porn Setting the stage to talk about sex Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out? Establishing family guidelines re internet usage The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each) How porn affects boys Preparing boys for porn exposure Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn Keeping boys safe online Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Next Gen Men Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 15% off their Raising Next Gen Men course, designed for parents, educators, coaches, and youth workers who work with boys and believe in better possibilities for the next generation of men. Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

How do we raise next gen men -- men who can thrive in the 21st century? "When you're on a playground, you can't yell, 'Hey, Tommy, cut that hegemonic masculinity out!'" says Jake Stika, co-founder of Next Gen Men, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity. Parents, educators and boys need concrete, practical suggestions and assistance. Talking to boys about consent, for example, is not enough. Today's tweens and teens understand the concept of consent and understand why it's important, but they need help figuring out how to apply consent in their personal relationships. "They want to know, 'What do I actually say, that's not too awkward?'" says Jonathon Reed, youth program manager for Next Gen Men. Boys also need and want to understand their role in the #MeToo era. Many have heard that they should listen to women and girls and want to know if they're allowed to talk as well. "It's really benevolent sexism that we're perpetuating when we don't empower boys to be stakeholders, beneficiaries, and co-conspirators in conversations" about equality, the gender wage gap, childcare, and parenting, Stika says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Jake & Jonathon discuss: Helping boys understand consent (and giving them words to use in real-life situations) Creating space for boys to find solutions How boys use humor Gendered expectations Gender equity Benevolent sexism Male-on-male violence Why boys (all boys!) need people who see them, value them, & KNOW them The difference between harm & abuse Boys & anger (Did you know that trauma can manifest as anger?) Metabolizing shame Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: NextGenMen website Breaking the Boy Code -- our previous ON BOYS conversation with Jonathon Raising Next Gen Men course -- use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% ON BOYS episodes featuring ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt (mentioned at 14:17) Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode We Will Not Cancel Us -- essay by Adrienne Brown (mentioned at 34:22) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families  

Dr. Jon Lasser believes we all have a role to play in expanding boys' opportunities. The Man Box and Boy Code still limit and shape boys' behavior. And although there are plenty of books and TV shows that encourage girls to step past gendered boundaries, there are far fewer resources for boys and their parents. "As a feminist dad, I found a lot of great resources for girls that showed them that they could be anyone they wanted to be. They could be strong and capable and powerful. But I didn't see a lot of resources for boys," says Dr. Jon, a school psychologist, psychology professor and dad of two adult daughters. He decided to address the issue by authoring a children's picture book entitled What Boys Do. Our boys absorb so many unconscious messages about gender. As a child, Dr. Jon noticed the males and females of his family sorting themselves into separate rooms and activities after Thanksgiving dinner. The men went into the living room to watch football; the women talked while working together in the kitchen. Young Jon was more interested in the kitchen conversations. "I wish I had had someone pulled me aside and say, 'It's okay to go where you're comfortable. It's okay to go where you can be you. You don't have to go where the Y chromosomes go,'" he says. Parents, teachers, and caregivers also must make an effort to move past "our own preconceived notions of 'what boys like,'" Dr. Jon says, and to "celebrate what they like." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jon discuss: Unconscious gender divisions in family gatherings Supporting boys' interests How children understand and learn about gender Why some boys welcome therapy - and others resist it The importance of FREEDOM and FUN Discussing gender role stereotypes with boys Gender role strain The problem with "problematizing" teen's tendency to question authority Books for boys Using imaginative play to learn about & understand your son Unconditional positive regard for boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: What Boys Do, by Dr. Jon Lasser -- Dr. Jon's picture book My Boy Can with Sassy Harvey -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 3:58) "My Boy Can" Parenting -- earlier ON BOYS conversation with Sassy Are You My Mother? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:35) Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:40) The Paper Bag Princess -- book mentioned at 27:30 Tech Generation: Raising Balanced Kids in a Hyper-Connected World, by Mike Brooks & Dr. Jon Lasser (mentioned at 41:00) Magination Press -- includes links to Dr. Jon's other picture books Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families   Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

Jack Kammer says boys are affected by sexism too.  Boys and girls who engage in the same exact behavior may be treated very differently. And yet, when we fail to acknowledge that fact, we contribute to the gaslighting of our boys. Because the truth is that males and females both experience advantages AND disadvantages related to their sex and gender. But while a lot of of societal effort has been directed toward decreasing gender-related disadvantages that hold back females, little attention has been directed toward eliminating barriers commonly encountered by boys and men. "For the past 60 years, we've done a pretty good job of making sure that girls have a lot of fluidity in the choices that they can make and they options they can pursue," says Kammer, author of Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World. "We don't do that so much for boys." In fact, he says, when it comes to love, relationships, nurturing, and expression, today's prevailing narrative posits female superiority and male inferiority. As a result, too many boys and men (and girls & women) believe that males can't multi-task or competently care for young children. "It was a very bad thing for our nation to waste all of the talent that women had to be good business people, lawyers, and scientists. It's really a bad thing for us to waste all of the love and nurturance, the desire to be fully human and helpful, that men feel," Kammer says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jack discuss: Helping boys grapple with sexism Advocating for boys in the classroom and on the playground Recess and its importance for boys (& girls) Fluidity for boys How gender stereotypes harm boys & men Shame's impact on boys Empowering boys to delay sexual activity Encouraging father involvement Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: jackkammer.com -- Jack's website (includes links to his male-friendly podcasts) Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World -- Jack's book Boy Moms as Boy Advocates -- ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette (mentioned at 6:10) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families   Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order

Did you know that boys may be more susceptible to respiratory viruses than girls? Society tells us that boys are strong and tough, but the truth is that males are biologically fragile -- from before birth all the way through to death. Male fetuses are more likely to be miscarried than female fetuses, especially during stressful times. Men tend to have weaker immune systems than women, and males are more susceptible to all kinds of viral respiratory illnesses, including the common cold, influenza respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), and COVID-19. Males who contract COVID-19 are more likely than females with the same illness to land in the hospital and develop complications. Handwashing, plenty of sleep, fresh diet and a healthy diet can all bolster boys' immune systems. Given the amount of "crud" out there this time of year, you may want to take some extra steps to protect your son's respiratory health -- and minimize the number of sick days your family has this year! Most respiratory viruses spread through the air. Infected people exhale the virus, which can linger in the air. Others in the area unknowingly inhale the virus -- and often become sick a few days later. Wearing a well-fitting mask in public places can dramatically decrease the chances of your son (and your family) contracting a respiratory illness. "Nobody wants to wear a mask," says Jim Rathburn, CEO of of LCP Medical and a dad & grandfather of boys. "But societally, I think we have reached a new normal where wearing a mask is important in some situations." Consider wearing masks: At the grocery store On public transportation In school settings At airports "Those are high risk areas where you don't know if other people are infected or there's something floating around in the atmosphere," Jim says. "There's at least 100 different viruses out there that want to join your cells. Some of them are relatively benign and some of them are a huge threat to life. "It doesn't take much just to wear a protective mask that can prevent you from getting something." This episode is sponsored by LCP Medical. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jim discuss: Boys' vulnerability to respiratory viruses How respiratory viruses spread How masks decrease transmission of respiratory viruses Characteristics of effective masks Why we're all increasingly susceptible to the common cold Truth about parenting boys! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Don't Want Your Kids to Wear a Mask in School? Do This. -- Building Boys post Sick Day Survival -- classic Building Boys post Why Are Americans Still -- Still! - Wearing Cloth Masks? -- Atlantic article (mentioned at 11:27) Healthcare Providers Need Better than N95 -- Modern Healthcare article authored by Jim (mentioned at 15:05) Flu Has Disappeared for More Than a Year -- Scientific American article discussed at 23:15 Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order