Podcast appearances and mentions of nate bagley

Send us a textAfter returning from a rejuvenating, phone-free escape to Cancun with my husband, I'm back with insights on how to create a year-end wrap-up experience. Joined by my faithful co-host, Nate Bagley, we share how undivided attention can transform your partnership, even if a luxury getaway isn't in the cards this year. Discover creative ways to carve out meaningful moments at home or on a simple staycation, ensuring that no barrier, whether financial or logistical, stands in the way of bonding with your partner. Plus, learn more about an exciting class coming up on January 7th that promises to help couples reflect on the past year and strategize for the future.In this episode, we discuss ways to set relationship goals, tackle conflicts, and prepare for an end-of-year meeting that sets the stage for a thriving new year together.Goal setting in relationships can be a double-edged sword, offering both opportunities for growth and potential pitfalls. In our conversation, we unpack the nuances of sharing goals and holding each other accountable, emphasizing the importance of clear communication and boundaries. Whether you're using apps, coaches, or each other for support, knowing how to strike the right balance is key. As the year wraps up, we encourage you to conduct a year-end review with your partner to ensure a harmonious start to 2025. We will take a brief break for the holidays, returning on New Year's Eve to explore the differences between a mediocre marriage and a passionate one.In our conversation, Nate refered to several books on marriage that he has read. Here are links to them on Amazon if you want to check them out.Want to attend my webclass all about Setting Goals as a Couple and Making 2025 your BEST Year Yet? Use this link to register:  https://www.eventbrite.com/e/plan-for-relationship-success-in-2025-tickets-1115977291119?aff=oddtdtcreatorThe All Or Nothing Marriage by: Eli FinkleEverything Isn't Terrible by: Kathleen SmithWhat Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage by: Amy Sutherland

Send us a textAre you ready for a BIG Announcement and fun surprise?Introducing my new co-host, Nate Bagley. Listen in as we reminisce about our first meeting at a Tennessee marketing conference and how his work with marriage legands like John and Julie Gottman first piqued my interest. Nate shares his experiences as his life took an unexpected turn during the pandemic. Nate and his wife made the bold decision to relocate to Costa Rica for a period of time and learned so much there. Hear Nate's heartfelt reflections on prioritizing his marriage amidst the chaos of a world-wide pandemic and his growing family.Parenting is a world unto itself, filled with both tender moments and unimaginable pressures. Hear the secret behind Nate's pink fingernails to the warmth of family traditions that make parenting rewarding. I share my woes about kids growing up and leaving home and we conclude that we must cherish every precious moment and show up for our marriage and family first and foremost.We are excited to share more great content with you as this season of the Secrets of Happily Ever After Podast unfolds!!!

How to Avoid Roommate Syndrome with Nate Bagley In today's episode, I'm chatting with my friend, Nate Bagley of Growth Marriage. Nate shares with us what he learned from travelling the country interviewing happily married couples as well as the world's top marriage experts. We talk about how to avoid roommate syndrome and foster lasting love and passion in our marriage. You will want to listen with a pen. Have you taken the Intimacy Level Quiz yet? Learn your intimacy score in less than 3 minutes by taking this quick quiz --> https://monicatanner.com/quiz For a list of 102 Cheap or Free Date Ideas, be sure to check out:  https://monicatanner.com/cheapdates Download a FREE copy of How to Ensure Date Night Ends with Fireworks HERE --> https://monicatanner.com/fireworks Check out the Passionate Marriage Club where couples learn relational skills and the 12 Laws of Connection HERE – https://monicatanner.com/club To get your free resource on how to show more gratitude for your spouse, check out this link: https://monicatanner.com/gratitude Download my FREE resource with 51 questions to ask you spouse to get to know them better HERE --> https://monicatanner.com/51questions Learn more about Monica: https://www.monicatanner.com/   moni@secretsofhappilyeverafter.com    https://www.instagram.com/monitanner1/ https://www.facebook.com/monica.tanner2 https://www.youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter

Selling to multiple customer personas is tricky. Can your marketing appeal to all of them at once? You probably think, “Well, each persona has different pain points and things they care about.” But once you start thinking about all of the personas as just being people, you realize that they do care about the same things. Success at work, their family, and their quality of life, to name a few. So when you can appeal to the things your prospects care about most, you unlock the secret to creating an emotional bond with your audience that will place you above your competitors.To explore this idea, we're watching the hit animated series that The Guardian called, "arguably the best television series in the world," Bluey. It appeals to parents just as well as kids. And is a great example of how to market to multiple customer personas. Here with us is content master Nate Bagley to help discuss evoking strong emotions in your marketing, captivating your audience with relatable stories, and how to build trust to propel sales. Now it's time to tap into that inner child for this episode of Remarkable.About our guest, Nate BagleyNate Bagley is a content leader who has served in media and marketing roles at companies like Clozd, OrangeSoda, Mindshare Technologies, Romacorp, and Bold Academy. He founded relationship coaching company Growth Marriage in 2017, co-founded “date-in-a-box” subscription service Unbox Love in 2014, and started a podcast called Loveumentary in 2012.About BlueyBluey is an Australian animated tv series about the daily life of a blue heeler cattle puppy and her friends and family. As blue heelers are known as super energetic dogs, Bluey is always turning things into an adventure and using her imagination to do it.It premiered in 2018 and is currently on its third season, and was created by Joe Brumm. It stars the voices of David McCormack as the dad and Melanie Zanetti as the mom. Bluey, Bingo, and some of their friends aren't credited because they're voiced by children of the TV production crew, and it's to protect their identities.It's the #1 Australian children's TV show, Nominated for the 2023 Logie Award for Most Outstanding Children's Program. 2022 AACTA Award winner for Best Children's Program. 2019 International Emmy winner for Kids: Preschool. The Guardian has called it "arguably the best television series in the world".What B2B Companies Can Learn From Bluey:Tap into emotion. Think of your audience as human, and appeal to their very human needs, wants and desires. It could be that your product saves them time to go enjoy more family time, time outside, or time doing literally anything other than working. Appeal to that. Nate says, “”In marketing, emotion is the number one tool that we have to use. I think especially in B2B marketing, it's probably the most underutilized tool, is trying to elicit some sort of emotion in the content that you create.” And Bluey does this by exploring real life situations like a boy who has ADHD and struggles with sitting still in school all day, or Bluey's dad making a mistake and feeling inadequate as a father. B2B marketing isn't for robots; use emotion and see engagement hit the ceiling.Make it quick. Boil your story down to create maximum impact in a short amount of time. Bluey episodes are a few minutes at most. Which makes them insanely digestible, and they still draw tears from parents watching with their kids. Of course, this masterful storytelling isn't easy to do. Nate says, “How can you tell the most compelling story that evokes the most emotion in the most efficient way possible? And that requires a lot of work.  I don't think most people are willing to do that work. I think it's much easier to write out a list of features on your website and say, ‘This is how we can help you.' But the alternative is more powerful.” Spending time to craft a campaign that tells your story efficiently and with emotion pays off.Show that you understand your audience to earn their trust. Research your target buyer to figure out what they care about. Then leverage that in your marketing as a powerful trust-building tool. Nate says, “If you can describe the problem, the life, the struggles that your buyers are facing better than they can describe it themselves, they will automatically assume that you have the best solution. Having that empathy and understanding, and being able to communicate that back to them through your marketing messaging is going to accelerate the buying process and help you win business faster than anything else that you can do.” It's like how parents have learned to trust Bluey to thoughtfully explore real life topics in a compassionate way that children will understand. So when kids want to watch something, Bluey is not just a safe option, but an educational one as well. Bluey then becomes an easy go-to. Just like your product will be.Quotes*”Accounting, a great example. Accounting might be boring,  but accountants are not, because accountants are people. And people are not boring if you ask them the right questions. If you're trying to sell accounting, then you're going to fail. But if you're trying to solve a problem for accountants and you do a really good job understanding them, understanding what they're struggling with and what they want out of life, and you have empathy for their situation as an accountant, then you can find some really compelling stories to tell. But it's curiosity about the people that creates the good story. It's not what the people do. It's not the activity that's interesting in and of itself.” - Nate Bagley*”Focus. Focus more of your time and energy on learning how to tell good stories, and learning how to tell good stories in a really powerful way that evokes emotion and makes people feel understood and seen. And they'll trust that you have exactly what they need to take away the pain or increase the rate of success around what they're doing on a day to day basis.” - Nate BagleyTime Stamps[0:50] Introducing Content Leader Nate Bagley[1:22] What makes Bluey impactful?[3:33] What's Bluey about?[7:45] Why is Bluey Remarkable?[10:54] What B2B Marketing lessons can we take from Bluey?[20:06] How does Bluey use emotion?[26:03] How can we applying Bluey's storytelling techniques in marketing?LinksWatch BlueyConnect with Nate on LinkedInAbout Remarkable!Remarkable! is created by the team at Caspian Studios, the premier B2B Podcast-as-a-Service company. Caspian creates both non-fiction and fiction series for B2B companies. If you want a fiction series check out our new offering - The Business Thriller - Hollywood style storytelling for B2B. Learn more at CaspianStudios.com. In today's episode, you heard from Ian Faison (CEO of Caspian Studios) and Meredith Gooderham (Senior Producer). Remarkable was produced this week by Jess Avellino and Meredith Gooderham, mixed by Scott Goodrich, and our theme song is “Solomon” by FALAK. Create something remarkable. Rise above the noise.

Today Andy welcomes another stellar group of guests for his roundtable discussion. Joining him are Nate Bagley, Head of Content and Media at Clozd, Ian Koniak, Founder and CEO at Untap Your Sales Potential,  and Eric Quantsrom, CMO at CIENCE. They begin by looking at the different challenges of buyers compared to sellers, the importance of diagnosing problems within a company that may impact win rates, the value of useful training in sales teams, and the significance of conducting win loss analysis in an honest and transparent way. They also discuss how to improve engagement and decision-making processes, realizing the cost of inaction, and the changing behavior of CFO's in the buying process.Host Andy Paul is the expert on modern B2B selling and author of three best-selling, award-winning sales books, including his latest Sell Without Selling Out. Visit andypaul.com to subscribe to his newsletter for even more strategies and tips to accelerate your win rate!Thank you to our sponsors:AllegoClozdCognism

On the latest episode of the Interesting B2B Marketers podcast, Steve and Nate Bagley, Head of Content at Clozd, discuss how to implement a comprehensive win-loss analysis program within an organization. They also cover topics such as creating customer communities, understanding relationships for successful marketing campaigns, using great questions in marketing, identifying unideal customer profiles and focusing on long-term relationships, and the challenges of attribution in marketing. Personal topics such as Nate's marital status and experience as a parent were also discussed, highlighting both the joys and challenges that come with raising children. Tune in to this episode for an enlightening conversation about B2B marketing strategies!Connect with Nate Bagley and Steve Goldhaber on LinkedIn.

Do you ever feel like your partner is more like a roommate than a spouse? This isn't uncommon for couples to experience, and is actually a feature of marriage than a bug. Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz talk with Nate Bagley about “Roommate Syndrome” and discuss how being in this rut can act as a catalyst for growing up our marriage. As something that everyone in a relationship encounters, this podcast is a must-listen-to resource to create a stronger marriage connection! Timestamps: 0:00 – Introduction: Who is Nate Bagley?1:42 – Fear of a mediocre marriage3:59 – Interviewing the most successful and happy couples6:15 – What is “roommate syndrome”?10:20 – How to get the spark back in your marriage12:30 – How to get out of the roommate rut18:01 – Roommate syndrome is a feature, not a bug19:57 – Happiness is a byproduct of growth22:20 – The Eisenhower Matrix27:10 – What do we need to do to have a great marriage?30:10 – Maximize enjoyment for both people32:48 – Nate Bagley resources33:32 – Nate's takeaway: you have more control over your marriage than you think35:33 – Liz's takeaway: remember maximum joint enjoyment36:06 – Dave's takeaway: the pillars of friendship – I like you, I know you, I trust you About Nate Bagley: Nate Bagley is a marriage researcher and educator whose mission is to rid the world of mediocre love. His passion is helping people DO the things that make their relationships extraordinary. In 2012, Nate did a cross-country road trip where he interviewed the country's most madly-in-love couples, and renowned relationship experts to discover the secrets of truly epic, lasting love. Since then, he's given a TEDx talk, and been published in Business Insider, Thrive Global, The Good Men Project, the Gottman Institute blog, and many other outlets. He always loves hearing from his readers and listeners, so please feel free to reach out to him at his website here. Insights: Nate: Happiness is a byproduct of growth and roommate syndrome is a byproduct, not a bug. Roommate syndrome gives you the opportunity to grow up. Dave: Foster the 3 pillars of friendship: I like you, I know you, I trust you. Liz: Remember to focus on maximum joint enjoyment. Invites:    -    If you feel like you and your partner have roommate syndrome, try doing something out of your comfort zone today (ask a personal question, address a topic that makes you anxious, etc.).   -   It's the little things that get you out of roommate syndrome. Try making your partner a meal they wouldn't expect (like breakfast or lunch), or sending them a sweet text while they're away (even if not for very long).   -    Try to make your marriage enjoyable for everyone. Is there something you grew up doing that your partner doesn't particularly enjoy? Talk about it with them. What could you do to make things more enjoyable for them? Nate Bagley Links:    -    https://growthmarriage.com/    -    https://www.epicmarriageclub.com/awr/   Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: Strongermarriage.org podcast.strongermarriage.org Facebook: StrongerMarriage.orgInstagram: @strongermarriagelifeTikTok: @strongermarriagelife Dr. Dave Schramm: https://drdaveschramm.com https://drdavespeaks.com Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579 Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drdaveschramm/   Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this episode, I'm talking with my good friend, Nate Bagley. Nate has been a marriage researcher for over a decade. He talks about the challenges he's been facing in his own marriage and how the training he has recieved and taught over the years has really helped him navigate these challenges. Nate shares his favorite researchers including Dr. David Schnarch and Dr. John Gottman. We have both been trained in Dr. Gottman's 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work and have decided to host a workshop for couples who want to learn how this groundbreaking marriage research can help them develop the skillsets to deepen their intimacy and trust and create a truly meaningful connection. You can get all of the details about our upcoming workshop on March 31st and April 1st in Salt Lake City, Utah by clicking on this link:  https://www.eventbrite.com/e/seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-tickets-571932554667

It happens to everyone... the passion starts to fade, communication suffers, and you start to wonder... "Are we going to be stuck living as roommates forever? Is this all marriage is?" In this episode we're going to talk about Roommate Syndrome, why it's NOT a problem, and how to get out of it. Check out Nate's workshop in Mom Training by joining Mom Training today to catch it live April 27th, or listen to the replay in the Mom Training Vault. Join at Dianaballard.com. Free 30-day trial for Epic Marriage Club (to help get out of Roommate Syndrome) http://epicmarriageclub.com/plan Nate's YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheGrowthMarriage

This week, Eric has an awesome conversation with Nate Bagley from the Growth Marriage Podcast/Youtube channel. We talk about Roommate Syndrome. What is it, why EVERY relationship faces it, and simple steps to move towards an amazing, passionate marriage that lasts!You can check out Nate's Youtube Channel for amazing content If you are a man who feels more like roommates than lovers with his wife and lacks the skills to communicate about intimacy, you can check out the Evolved Marriage Relationship Revival Masterclass.To level up your intimacy through communication, check out our Free Guide!Follow us on Instagram to receive daily tools and insight to help evolve your marriage!

This week we invite guests Angilyn and Nate Bagley from the Mormon Marriages podcast. We talk about some of the struggles we fall into in marriage and why it's important to face those challenges and be proactive in creating relationships that are awesome. The Bagleys share personal experiences from their own marriage as well as examples from the many people they've helped over the years. One item in particular we discuss is what the Bagleys term 'Roommate Syndrome', where you fall too much into a comfortable routine and forget what really being in love feels like. This is a natural part of being in a relationship, but it's important to get out of our comfort zone and find lasting ways to make your relationship new and exciting. Enjoy the show!

Let's talk about this AGAIN! Do you believe that you can have extraordinary love? Extraordinary relationships? We chat with Nate Bagley - a podcaster, entrepreneur, writer, TEDx speaker, teacher, and guy who loves his wife a lot and tries really hard to be the best husband in the world. He spends nearly every waking hour of his life trying to rid the world of mediocre love. He loves helping people create amazing relationships and is excited to share some of what he's learned with you! Whether you're in a romantic relationship or not - Nate's teaching, experience, and tips can be applied in almost any type of relationship. As a Dream Driver learning, studying, and practicing the core fundamentals of communication, trust, respect, and understanding will take you far along your journey.  Join in on the conversation on social (@dreamsindrive) and make sure to use the hashtag #dreamsindrive.  ON THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS: - What inspired Nate as a child - Why Nate quit his job to pursue his dreams - Getting over fear and doing it anyway - Learning how to love and culture's effect on it - The importance of knowing one's love languages - Why Nate believes love isn't a feeling or action - The skills you have to develop if you want to be great at love - The importance of creating and listening to your audience - What interviewing couples taught Nate about relationships - How working on his marriage helped Nate's business - Why punishing someone into submission is never going to work - The keys to building brand relationships & marketing effectively...and more!   SHOW NOTES: www.dreamsindrive.com/nate-bagley SHOP DREAMS IN DRIVE MERCHANDISE: www.dreamsindrive.com/shop RESOURCES MENTIONED: Nate's BRANDMAKERS interviewTy & Terri's Loveumentary EpisodeDavid & Gretchen Figge Loveumentary Episode BOOKS MENTIONED:The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence RealThe Passionate Marriage Leadership and Self-Deception FIND NATE ON:Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/growthmarriage FIND RANA ON SOCIAL: Instagram: http://instagram.com/rainshineluv Twitter: http://twitter.com/rainshineluv FIND DREAMS IN DRIVE ON:Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/dreamsindrive Twitter: http://twitter.com/dreamsindrive Web: http://www.dreamsindrive.com JOIN THE #DREAMSINDRIVE COMMUNITY: http://www.dreamsindrive.com/JOIN

This week's episode is a conversation with my friend and colleague, Nate Bagley of Growth Marriage. Just in time for Thanksgiving, we are talking about gratitude and other great gifts we can give our spouse and our marriage. We are also revealing a BIG project we have been working on. It's something that will help make your relationships SO much better, and your life SO much easier, so you will NOT want to miss this one! You can check out the Relationship Mastery Bundle HERE: https://www.epicmarriageclub.com/a/2147499720/cRcionoQ If you are looking for the perfect stocking stuffer or gift for a married couple in your life, be sure to order your Date Night Journals in the next couple of weeks to ensure delivery by Christmas. Order your Date Night Journals HERE: https://onthebrightersideofmarriage.com/journal

Tony shares why opposites don't attract in the long run and why ultimately we like people who are more similar to us. PLUS Nate Bagley, relationship researcher and host of the Growth Marriage podcast, comes on to talk about his incredible Relationship Mastery Pack https://www.epicmarriageclub.com/a/2147499720/h3Cn8yaE Get thousands of dollars in relationship tools for one special Black Friday price featuring Tony's brand new parenting course: 3 Keys to Positive Parenting - Bring the Positivity without Messing Up Your Kids Even if You're Not Sure Where to Start! Go to https://www.epicmarriageclub.com/a/2147499720/h3Cn8yaE to sign up for thousands of dollars worth of relationship tools for less than the cost of one therapy session. In today's episode, Tony refers to the article "Do Opposites Really Attract?" by Clifford Lazarus Ph.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-well/201907/do-opposites-really-attract and "Why Do We Like People Who Are Similar to Us?" by Gwendolyn Seidman Ph.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201812/why-do-we-people-who-are-similar-us With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts. Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ

Whenever people ask me how I built a business with my husband, they usually add, with an eye roll, “because I could never do that with my partner.” And I always kind of laugh and say, “Lots of therapy.”Which is the truth in many ways. Though it's not just therapy, it's both of us actively working on having a healthy, loving, energizing, communicative, successful relationship.And I believe that having fulfilling relationships in your life really do lead to more business success. And that's true even if you aren't running a business with your partner.Which is why today, we're veering away from our usual topics and talking about relationships with Nate Bagley. Nate is on a mission in life is to rid the world of mediocre love. He is a marriage researcher and educator and host of the Growth Marriage Podcast as well as a kickass Growth Marriage YouTube channel.And I am just so excited to share this conversation with you, where we are going to talk about how your relationship plays a role in the success of your business. Tune into this episode to hear:How Nate turned a string of disappointing relationships into a cross-country road trip research project on happy marriagesWhy having a fulfilling romantic relationship is important to running a successful businessTwo key principles for relationship successWhat to do when your partner doesn't want to put in the work on your relationshipThe connections between anxiety, control and burnout and how it impacts your relationships and your businessLearn more about Nate: Growth MarriageInstagram: @GrowthMarriageGrowth Marriage on YouTubeGrowth Marriage PodcastEpic Marriage ClubLearn more about Pia: No BS Agency Owners Free Facebook GroupThe Show Your Business Who's Boss Crash Course Start reading the first chapter of my bookPiasilva.comResources:Everything Isn't Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down, Kathleen SmithThe Gottman InstituteDr. David Schnarch

Nate Bagley, a close friend of the show, returns to discuss how focusing on intentionality can positively affect your outlook on life and the results you derive from efforts. He reveals his method for intentional reflection by way of journaling and shows us actionable techniques for immediate use.   Gunnar Conley (@realtorgunnar) is a Seattle Real Estate agent focused on creating change through small actions.  Timmy Regan is a Bend, OR Commercial Real Estate Analyst licensed in both Washington and Oregon.    What We Discuss: How Nate uses his Red Pen Blue Pen strategy Why intentionally reflecting is so important Methods for overcoming negative self talk And so much more...   Follow us on Social! Instagram Twitter Youtube   Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!

How many hours have you spent training to be a husband? We expect marriage to work out without ever learning the skills to maintain a successful relationship. We want more sex and intimacy as well as better communication and connection, but we are missing the tactics. Today I am with Nate Bagley from the Growth Marriage podcast to talk about elevating your marriage. We go over the tools you need to take the relationship with your wife to the next level. For the show notes and exclusive links mentioned in this episode go to gooddadproject.com/thursday254. ———— Join the Free Dad Edge Facebook Group at gooddadproject.com/group. Apply for The Dad Edge Alliance at gooddadproject.com/alliance. Watch this interview on YouTube gooddadproject.com/youtube. Follow us on Instagram at @thedadedge! FREE RESOURCE – 21 Days to an Extraordinary Marriage

Marriages have taken a beating during the pandemic. We are under a constant generalized stress that keeps our nerves on edge and lowers our emotional capacity. But we can use this time to build a ridiculously fulfilling marriage, and our guest today teaches us how. Nate Bagley is a marriage researcher, educator, husband, and a new dad. He is the founder of the Growth Marriage Community and podcast and his mission is to rid the world of mediocre love. Nate has an incredible story. Before he got married, he quit his job and toured the country to gather information that 99% of us do not get. What do madly in love couples do that everyone else is missing out on? Let’s find out! For the show notes and exclusive links mentioned in this episode go to gooddadproject.com/thursday245. ———— Join the Free Dad Edge Facebook Group at gooddadproject.com/group. Apply for The Dad Edge Alliance at gooddadproject.com/alliance. Watch this interview on YouTube gooddadproject.com/youtube. Follow us on Instagram at @thedadedge!

Nate Bagley is the founder of Growth Marriage "Where Ordinary People Create Extraordinary Love". Nate believes that most people suffer from a disease called "mediocre love" but they shouldn't! Nate's mission is to help couples achieve a ridiculously fulfilling marriage.  In today's podcast, we discuss with Nate why "nice guys" have bad sex, how being a "nice guy" previously impacted Nate's relationships, and what to do if you find yourself being a "nice guy". 

Have you ever heard someone say they feel like they've grown apart from their spouse? Or worse yet... they feel like they're now living with a roommate instead of a life mate... and you know the marriage is headed for divorce! Part of Kate and Tanner's mission is to help couples grow together, not apart...  They're so excited to team up with Nate Bagley for his https://www.areweroommates.com/register?affiliate_id=2814921 (Are We Roommates Summit )to talk about this topic. The https://www.areweroommates.com/register?affiliate_id=2814921 (Are We Roommates Summit )is a FREE event hosted by Relationship Expert, Nate Bagley.  Kate and Tanner were interviewed for the Summit along with  30 other top relationship experts!  Then... they had a chance to interview Nate to talk about his definition of Roommate Syndrome. Enjoy this episode with Nate Bagley and be sure to get your FREE ticket for the https://www.areweroommates.com/register?affiliate_id=2814921 (Are We Roommates Summit )before it starts on Tuesday, December 8th! If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to this show to keep up on new episodes each week.  All honest ratings and reviews are appreciated too!  You can find more from Kate and Tanner at: https://www.theonerelationship.com/ (theonerelationship.com ) Connect on Facebook & IG:  FB: https://www.facebook.com/kateANDtanner (facebook.com/kateANDtanner ) IG: https://www.instagram.com/thekatewendell (@thekatewendell) Interview inquires: info@kateandtanner.com Text your relationship questions any time to 720-459-4219.

In today's episode, I'm chatting with my friend, Nate Bagley of Growth Marriage. Nate is a full-time marriage researcher determined to rid the world of mediocre love. He and his wife, Angilyn live in Utah with their brand new baby girl. Nate shares with us what he learned from travelling the country interviewing happily married couples as well as the world's top marriage experts. We talk about how to avoid roommate syndrome and foster lasting love and passion in our marriage. You will want to listen with a pen. Join us for a FREE Are We Roommates Marriage Summit on November 8th-11th, featuring the world's top marriage experts best advice about how to avoid complacency and roommate syndrome (including yours truly). You can register here: https://www.areweroommates.com/ For more great marriage and entrepreneur resources, please check out:https://onthebrightersideofmarriage.com

We all have limited time on earth. I was reminded of this today when at the gym and my brother in law came in. I told him today was the last day the gym would ever be open and that we needed to make the most of the time in there. Of course I was joking but it got me to reflect upon my actual use of my time in the gym today, in my relationships, and on this earth. I got fired up from the reflection and wanted to share my fire with you. I hope you benefit from my ramblings! Marriage Summit Info: My good friend and marriage expert, Nate Bagley is on a mission to lower the divorce rate... He says, “I want to rid the world of mediocre love!” Does that sound like a mission you can get behind? Do you want to take an average marriage off the table for yourself... forever? If so, I want to give you the most well-researched, practical, actionable, play-by-play solution to get you the most passionate, trusting, playful, deeply connected, and lasting relationship possible. Want in?... click on this link to get signed up for the FREE marriage summit, where 30 marriage experts give their practical tools for avoiding emotional drift in your marriage and falling into the “roommate” status in your relationship. You will be given an option to buy the entire 30 presentations for life!....including my presentation. The complete database of speeches is $97…..that is a fraction of one session with myself, and you get 29 other experts to study and apply in your current and future relationships. The benefit of using the link below is that your fee comes back to me. Sign up for the summit no matter what and if you decide to purchase lifetime access, please use this link. Thanks for the support. https://www.areweroommates.com/register?affiliate_id=2814925 The 'Greatest Day' mindset is a lifestyle; a way of living every moment of every day with a positive attitude. It is choosing to be happy and live life with energy no matter your circumstances. Today truly is the only day you have to live, shape, and create who you want to become so choose to MAKE TODAY THE GREATEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE! More about Craig: Instagram: @greatestdaymindset Email: greatestdaymindset@gmail.com Website: http://greatestdaymindset.com/ FOCUS: A Guided Journal to Create Lasting Change in Your Life. Greatestdaymindset.com/focus If you like the show please take a screen shot and share it with your friends and tag @greatestdaymindset. If you would like notifications of new episodes and stay up to date with the show SUBSCRIBE and provide a rating and some feedback, as it helps the show get more recognition and found more easily. Thanks for the ongoing support!

Today's interview is with Nate and Angilyn Bagley. Nate is a full time marriage researcher, educator and podcaster who strives to rid the world of mediocre love. Angilyn is a registered nurse who is compassionate about healing and removing people's pain. Nate and Angilyn are new parents to an adorable little girl named Aurora. In their marriage they have learned that to have the love and passion they both desired in their marriage they needed to experience that in their careers as well. When your relationship is great everything else blossoms and when you struggle in your marriage everything else suffers. To be a successful entrepreneur you need to have a great marriage with support and encouragement from your partner.  To avoid a mediocre marriage, check out the links below:https://growthmarriage.com/https://www.areweroommates.com/ For more great resources, visit:https://onthebrightersideofmarriage.com/

Is there a right or wrong way to enter the "real world" as a young adult? How do we pick what's right for us when we have millions of options? Guest, Nate Bagley (http://bit.ly/natesblog), joins the podcast to discuss the ways in which we are blindsided by life as we enter as a young adult.  We get serious about what it's like as a young adult and how to overcome the challenges!    Nate Bagley is a bibliophile, amateur writer, fitness buff, avid language learner, and modern day philosopher.  You can find his writings at (http://bit.ly/natesblog) and follow him on Instagram at @bagley_nate.   Some select writings from his blog:  The Other Side of Fear Two Hours on Highway 26 3 Buddhist Concepts that have Changed my Life What We Discuss: Being a young adult in a world full of many options Some Methods to help overcome anxiety Some Buddhist principles Black Swans and the unknowns And so much more... Follow us on Social! Instagram Twitter Youtube   Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!

Marriage! We talk about it all. the. time... but do we really talk about it? Do we really talk about what it means when we say, "Marriage is hard work," or "We have our ups and downs, but we get through them?" What about the cliché advice, like, "Marriage isn't 50-50% - it's 100% and 100%" or "You just put your spouse's needs before your own, and you'll be happy!" or "The closer you get to God, the closer you'll be to your spouse?"Sound familiar?Nate and Angilyn Bagley host an entire podcast - Mormon Marriages - on helping members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints "have a marriage that will make you look forward to eternity" (Mormon Marriages intro). In this episode, we take an hour to just skim the surface of some common marriage myths, as well some actual, sound advice from marriage experts in our very own faith community. Give it a listen, and check out the Bagleys' other resources (listed below).Enjoy!RESOURCES:Mormon Marriages podcast: https://www.mormonmarriages.com/blogGrowth Marriage resources & podcast: https://growthmarriage.com/Epic Wives Experiment: https://epicwivesexperiment.com/go33742143Angilyn & Nate's FREE marriage prep videos: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxiUXYrEgd8DC-71lwsWC6w

What a fun episode this was!When we first met Nate we honestly had no idea what he did. As soon as we heard him speak we knew he had experience in the game.He has great copy, he is clever, he is funny, but most importantly he helps people create ridiculously awesome marriages. He is on a mission to get rid of mediocre love! Nate has achieved some awesome milestones like publishing continuously for 7 years, more than 1M downloads of his shows, having his own TEDx Talk, launching his latest venture called Epic Wives Experiment, and above all, having a ridiculously awesome marriage!Enjoy! Ask us your #1 Question about Content: www.contentisprofit.comConnect with BIZBROS: https://www.facebook.com/BIZBROSCOhttps://www.instagram.com/bizbroscoConnect with FONZI:https://www.instagram.com/luiscamejov/Connect with LUISDA:https://www.instagram.com/luisdacamejo/Subscribe to the podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google, Stitcher, or anywhere you listen to your podcasts.You can find this episode plus all previous episodes here.If you haven’t already, please rate and review the podcast on Apple Podcasts! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/content-is-profit/id1503613963

Attorney, and friend, Paul Hoybjerg joins Tony to talk about how we can better protect our children from sexual abuse. Paul is a partner in a Sacramento, California law firm who represents victims of sexual abuse, and negligence. Paul shares his story of how his own experience as a victim of negligence at birth led him to understand from a very young age when someone in a position of trust doesn’t act the way they should, and how there can be long-lasting, and sometimes devastating consequences. Even if you or your children have not been the victims of sexual abuse, this is a very important episode to listen to as Paul and Tony discuss ways that abusers groom, what to watch out for to assess for abuse, and how to have conversations with those you may believe to have been victims of abuse. Paul and Tony also talk about what to do if one has experienced abuse as a child, or teenager. You can watch this video on The Virtual Couch YouTube channel here https://youtu.be/tKENPPQDmLM Paul welcomes questions at abuseattorney@gmail.com. - Tony references Paul’s appearance on Richard Ostler’s Listen, Learn and Love Podcast, that episode can be found here https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-261-paul-hoybjerg-protecting-children-from-abuse/id1347971725?i=1000471918919 - There are only a few days left to sign up for Nate Bagley’s “Epic Wives Experiment!” Visit http://tonysexperiment.com for more information, registration ends at midnight, May 17th. Nate is a relationship researcher, and his goal is to rid the world of mediocre love.  Nate’s work has been published by ABC, the Gottman Institute, The Good Men Project, Good Morning America, NBC, and more and with his latest project, The Epic Wives Experiment, he wants to help your marriage, and help it NOW! In The Epic Wives Experiment, he promises, nay, guarantees that in 4 weeks you’ll have more support, connection, and love in your marriage. Tony’s recent interview with Nate can be found here https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/nate-bagley-relationship-researcher-on-epic-wives-experiment/id1275153998?i=1000473882148 - Tony's FREE parenting course, “Tips For Parenting Positively Even In the Not So Positive Times” is available NOW. Just go to http://tonyoverbay.com/courses/ and sign up today. This course will help you understand why it can be so difficult to communicate with and understand your children. You’ll learn how to keep your buttons hidden, how to genuinely give praise that will truly build inner wealth in your child, teen, or even in your adult children, and you’ll learn how to move from being “the punisher” to being someone your children will want to go to when they need help. And Tony is so confident that this program will work, that he's offering a money-back guarantee! - This episode of The Virtual Couch is sponsored by Betterhelp.com/virtualcouch With the continuing “sheltering” rules that are spreading across the country PLEASE do not think that you can’t continue or begin therapy now. Betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your own mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight. - Tony's new best selling book "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" is now available on Kindle. https://amzn.to/38mauBo - Tony Overbay, is the co-author of "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" now available on Amazon https://amzn.to/33fk0U4. The book debuted in the number 1 spot in the Sexual Health Recovery category and remains there as the time of this record. The book has received numerous positive reviews from professionals in the mental health and recovery fields. -- You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program The Path Back by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs, and podcasts.

Nate Bagley is a marriage researcher and educator whose mission is to rid the world of mediocre love. His passion is helping people DO the things that make their relationships extraordinary.⁠ In 2012, Nate did a cross-country road trip where he interviewed the country’s most madly-in-love couples, and renowned relationship experts to discover the secrets of truly epic, lasting love.⁠ Since then, he’s given a ​TEDx talk​, been published in Business Insider, Thrive Global, The Good Men Project, the Gottman Institute blog, and many other outlets. He always loves hearing from his readers and listeners, so please feel free to reach out to him! ⁠ I can't wait for you to listen to this episode and learn what to look for in a future spouse, and how to stay together after you're married! ⁠ This episode will be a little different because my husband, Michael joined me on the discussion! We had a great time! Connect with Nate with http://growthmarriage.com http://instagram.com/growthmarriage and check out his Epic Wives Experiment at http://epicwivesexperiment.com    Join the Family Success Toolkit Free Membership http://homeandfamilyculture.com   All episode of The Home & Family Culture Podcast are screened inside o the Family Culture Hackers Facebook group on Fridays! Get an early look at each interview by requesting to join the group: www.facebook.com/groupshttp://www.facebook.com/groups (/familyculturestrategies)

Nate Bagley is a marriage researcher and educator whose mission is to rid the world of mediocre love. His passion is helping people DO the things that make their relationships extraordinary. In 2012, Nate did a cross-country road trip where he interviewed the country’s most madly-in-love couples, and renowned relationship experts to discover the secrets of truly epic, lasting love. Since then, he’s given a TEDx talk, been published in Business Insider, Thrive Global, The Good Men Project, the Gottman Institute blog, and many other outlets. He always loves hearing from his readers and listeners, so please feel free to reach out to him at his website here.

Nate Bagley is a relationship researcher, and his goal is to rid the world of mediocre love. Nate’s work has been published by ABC, the Gottman Institute, The Good Men Project, Good Morning America, NBC, and more and with his latest project, The Epic Wives Experiment, he wants to help your marriage, and help it NOW! In The Epic Wives Experiment, he promises, nay, guarantees that in 4 weeks you’ll have more support, connection, and love in your marriage. In today’s mini-episode Tony interviews Nate to find out a little bit more about Nate’s background, and what led him to create The Epic Wives Experiment. For more information visit http://tonysexperiment.com registration for the Epic Wives Experiment ends at midnight on May 17th. Tony's FREE parenting course, “Tips For Parenting Positively Even In the Not So Positive Times” is available NOW. Just go to HTTP://tonyoverbay.com/courses/ and sign up today. This course will help you understand why it can be so difficult to communicate with and understand your children. You’ll learn how to keep your buttons hidden, how to genuinely give praise that will truly build inner wealth in your child, teen, or even in your adult children, and you’ll learn how to move from being “the punisher” to being someone your children will want to go to when they need help. And Tony is so confident that this program will work, that he's offering a money-back guarantee! This episode of The Virtual Couch is sponsored by Betterhelp.com/virtualcouch With the continuing “sheltering” rules that are spreading across the country PLEASE do not think that you can’t continue or begin therapy now. Betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your own mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight. Tony's new best selling book "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" is now available on Kindle. https://amzn.to/38mauBo Tony Overbay, is the co-author of "He's a Porn Addict...Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions" now available on Amazon https://amzn.to/33fk0U4. The book debuted in the number 1 spot in the Sexual Health Recovery category and remains there as the time of this record. The book has received numerous positive reviews from professionals in the mental health and recovery fields. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program The Path Back by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs, and podcasts.

Forgiving yourself and others is about being willing to acknowledge that you are capable of being wounded. It also means that you are willing to step out from the role of victim and take charge of your life. Couples who practice forgiveness can rid themselves of the toxic hurt and shame that holds them back from feeling connected to each other. Today’s guest, Nate Bagley, shares his knowledge and experience in practicing forgiveness and the importance of being willing to forgive your partner even before they are aware that they have created hurt towards you. When we offer this gift to our relationships, they stay in a place of growth and connection and the gap of emotional, sexual, and physical distancing remains minimal. Find out all things Nate by going to his website and make sure to check out the life changing programs he has put together. For you Wives out there, Become part of the marriage changing movement the Epic Wives Experiment at https://epicwivesexperiment.com/go33742143. Next challenge begin May 18th! And for the Husbands, make sure you mark your calendar and sign up for the first ever Epic Husband’s Experiment. Stay connected with Nate and all that he is up to on his website https://growthmarriage.com/ The 'Greatest Day' mindset is a lifestyle; a way of living every moment of every day with a positive attitude. It is choosing to be happy and live life with energy no matter your circumstances. Today truly is the only day you have to live, shape, and create who you want to become so choose to MAKE TODAY THE GREATEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE! More about Craig: Instagram: @greatestdaymindset Email: greatestdaymindset@gmail.com Website: http://greatestdaymindset.com/ If you like the show please take a screen shot and share it with your friends and tag @greatestdaymindset. If you would like notifications of new episodes and stay up to date with the show SUBSCRIBE and provide a rating and some feedback, as it helps the show get more recognition and found more easily. Thanks for the ongoing support!

The Epic Wives Experiment Is organized by Nate Bagley and Laura Heck. Check out the experiment and sign up here: https://epicwivesexperiment.com Check out 'Mom Training' at https://www.dianaballard.com

In this episode, Jennifer Finlayson-Fife PhD answers questions from our Improving Intimacy community. Here are the podcast episodes: Ask A Mormon Sex Therapist, Part 16 - THE oft-cited Episode 16 that has positively impacted so many marriages!http://www.finlayson-fife.com/podcast-archive/2019/10/11/ask-a-mormon-sex-therapist-part-16 Partner Desirability and High/Low Desire Dynamics:http://www.finlayson-fife.com/drjenniferfife/virtualcouch2 Virtue, Passion, and Owning Your Desire:http://www.finlayson-fife.com/podcast-archive/2019/11/25/virtue-passion-and-owning-your-desireBook Club Video Interview----more----Bookclub Video Transcript:00:00 Ray: So carry on.00:03 Jennifer: Okay, so should I just jump in with the...00:06 Ray: Yeah, please.00:07 Jennifer: Yeah, sure. The only event, I think, that isn't currently full is just one that we kinda last minute decided to do because we had an opportunity, a venue, which is doing The Art of Desire workshop in Alpine, Utah next week, a week from Thursday and Friday. So it's a two-day women's workshop. It's like my most popular course and workshop because it's a course focused on women's self and sexual development, and kind of rethinking the whole paradigm in which we've been inculturated, and how it really interferes with desire and development.00:48 Jennifer: And so, it's a good one, it's, you know, it's taking my dissertation research into everything I've kinda learned since then. So that's in Alpine and we just posted the tickets for sale like three or four days ago, and we still have maybe 20 spots left, so if anybody is interested in it, you can get a ticket. On my website actually, on my homepage.01:15 Ray: Wonderful. At this point, I have to admit that I did exactly what Ellen and I talked about that I wouldn't do, which is forget to mention that our other host tonight is Ellen Hersam, and... [chuckle]01:32 Ray: So we've been accepting questions for the last 24 hours, and we had several that came in and we have picked three or four that we might get to, I don't know, however many we're able to get to tonight.01:44 Jennifer: Sure.01:44 Daniel: And Ellen, why don't you pick up and can you give us a question?01:48 Ellen: Sure. Happy to jump right in. Yeah, so we've got a few questions tonight. We thought we'd start off with this one. It's, "There's often debate around sex being a need or not, and how neediness isn't sexy, and how sex being a need kills desire. Yet many view sex as a need, not in life-or-death sense, but because they need that healthy sex life, helps them be happier both individually and as a couple. If sex isn't a need," so there's two parts here, "if sex isn't a need, what does this say about David Schnarch's Sexual Crucible?"02:24 Ellen: "If any marriage would be improved by a healthy, intimate sexual relationship, how can it be said that sex isn't a need? If sex is a need, is... In this sense of being able to achieve personal growth, if I understand how Schnarch views marriage or the corresponding increase in marital satisfaction or individual happiness, how can we talk about its importance without killing desire? Or making one partner feel like it's their duty, instead of something they're doing for themselves, to increase their own happiness? I feel like if the couple isn't working toward a healthy sexual relationship, they're leaving something good and positive on the table, and missing a wonderful opportunity."03:07 Jennifer: Okay, it's a good question, although I think the questioner is conflating the issue of... Well, I mean they're using the word "Need" in a way that kind of complicates it. I think when I say sex isn't a need, what I... If I have said that, what I mean is it's not a drive, it's not required for survival. Right? So a lot of times, people try to pressure their partner to have sex with them by putting it in the frame that they need it, meaning...03:38 Jennifer: And my issue with that is if you're gonna talk about need, need is a way of trying to pressure their partner to manage and accommodate you without sort of taking responsibility for what you want. That's why I don't like it. So if you're gonna talk about need, then I'm thinking more about the issue of survival, and nobody needs sex to survive, 'cause as I've said, if that were true, there'd be a lot of dead people in our wards. And...04:03 Ray: Oh my goodness.04:04 Daniel: Maybe that's a good thing. [laughter] [overlapping conversation]04:10 Daniel: And so Jennifer, is what I'm hearing you say is, is more of a manipulative tone...04:16 Jennifer: Yes.04:17 Daniel: Tone? Okay.04:18 Jennifer: Yeah, exactly. And as soon as you start trying to manipulate, which many people do this, the higher-desire person tends to do this... And men are given that script a lot, that they need sex and so on. But as Mormons, we should be the least prone to that idea because we are fine, from a theological perspective, with people going without sex for their whole lives. Okay? So, now that said, I think sex is a part of thriving. Intimate sex is a part of thriving. It's part of a marriage thriving, and I wouldn't so much say that you must have sex in order for a marriage to be good. I wouldn't... Also, I wouldn't say you need for a marriage to be good in order to have sex.05:04 Jennifer: I'm just saying that marriage... Meaning good sex is a part of thriving, but good sex is not something you manipulate or pressure into place. And lots of people try and don't believe me when I say that. [chuckle] So we all want to be desired, but the hard thing about being desired is you can't make somebody desire you.05:28 Jennifer: Desire is a grace. And the more we try to control it and get somebody to give it to us, the less desirable we are. And the more that it feels like an obligation, or you're having sex with your partner just to get them off your back, or to get them to stop bugging you, or moping, or you know, whatever, and even if you get the sex you still don't feel desired. And so it's tough, it's a tough business, because the very thing we want, we don't have control over getting, we only have control over how desirable we are. 06:04 Ellen: So part of their question that I think I wanna highlight a little bit, is they say, "How can we talk about its importance without killing desire?" So without...06:13 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, because people are talking about its importance as a way to manipulate often. Right?06:18 Ellen: Mm-hmm.06:20 Jennifer: Like they're just saying it like... I was working with a couple of recently, and it was sort of, you know, "I'm focused on this marriage growing, that's why I wanna try all these new things with you." And so, they are using the idea of their standing up for a good marriage as a way to pressure the other person.06:37 Ellen: Yes, so not making it manipulative?06:40 Jennifer: Yeah. And I think you can be standing up for a good marriage and a good partnership by dealing with yourself. Dealing with the issue of your desirability. That doesn't preclude you from talking about the sexual relationship, but a lot of us are, because it's so easy to do it as human beings, we're much more focused on what we think we need our spouse to do, either stop pressuring us so much, or get their act together and go to Jennifer's The Art of Desire course, or something. [chuckle]07:12 Jennifer: I have sometimes the men go and buy the course and then, a day later they ask for a refund, 'cause their wife doesn't wanna go, but... [chuckle]07:18 Ellen: Yes, that makes sense. [chuckle]07:22 Jennifer: So they're pressuring more on what the other person needs to do, as opposed to, "What is my role in an unsatisfying sexual relationship?" And I don't mean to say you can't talk about it and address what your spouse isn't doing, but oftentimes, we're so much more drawn to what our spouse is doing wrong, than how we're participating in the problem, and it keeps people stuck.07:52 Ellen: Yeah, and they mentioned right at the beginning, this neediness isn't sexy.07:56 Jennifer: Exactly.07:56 Ellen: So if somebody is approaching this conversation in a relationship about their desire to have sex, and being in a relationship, a sexual relationship, they could essentially be approaching it in this neediness. And I think it sounds like their question is, "How can I approach it and not be killing desire by this neediness, but also be addressing the importance of intimacy and sexual relationship in the marriage?"08:23 Jennifer: It sounds maybe like I'm not answering the question, but you have to confront... 08:25 Ellen: Maybe I'm not. [chuckle]08:26 Jennifer: Oh no, no, not you. I'm saying me 'cause I'm gonna say something that maybe sounds like I'm not answering it, but...08:32 Ellen: Okay.08:32 Jennifer: I think you have to kinda confront that you are using the frame of neediness to get the other person to take care of you. Right? So, "I feel so bad about myself, I feel so undesirable, I feel so depressed when we're not having sex, and so for the love, give it to me." Okay? So you can do that, you might even get some sex, but you're not gonna get a passionate marriage. You're not gonna get the experience of being on an adventure together where you try new things.09:05 Jennifer: So you have to deal with the fact that marriage is not designed, in my opinion, and I see this, we kind of learn the idea that marriage is mutual need fulfillment, and that's the wrong model in my opinion. That it's not about, "You prop up my sense of self, and I'll prop up yours." Because that just doesn't work, it breaks down very quickly.09:31 Ellen: Absolutely... [overlapping conversation]09:33 Jennifer: Yeah, that's what's happening when you date, but it only lasts for those few months. Okay? [chuckle]09:38 Ellen: Yeah. [chuckle]09:38 Jennifer: Because it's a short timespan. In marriage, you really have to handle your sense of self. You have to sustain your sense of self. If you're approaching your spouse, if you can sustain your sense of self, you're approaching your spouse from the position of, "I desire you. I love you, I like you, I like being with you." And it's real. Not, "Do You Love Me? Do you desire me? Am I enough?" Because that's not... A lot of people when they say, "How was it?" They mean "How was I?" Right?10:11 Ellen: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.10:12 Jennifer: And people know that... They instinctively know what's actually happening. Are you touching your spouse 'cause you want them to validate you sexually? Are you touching them because you really do desire them, and find them attractive, and you can stand on your own, and sustain your sense of self? And a lot of us don't even track that's what we're doing.10:35 Ellen: I think that goes to say a lot to what you had spoken about in your first podcast that we had linked to this book club, where you had done the role play, where you stood in for the husband and spoke what he would say to his spouse in that sexless marriage, but it was what you're saying here. He came across as, "This is what I need. This is where I stand."10:57 Jennifer: Yes.10:58 Ellen: And, "This is what I'm looking for. I love you. And this is where I'm at." It was less of, "This is what I... I'm in need."11:05 Jennifer: Exactly.11:05 Ellen: It was more important for our marriage.11:07 Jennifer: That's right. He's talking about what he wants from a marriage, what he really is standing up for, but he doesn't sound needy.11:16 Ellen: Yes. Yeah.11:17 Jennifer: It's not about, "Hey, you have to give it to me. Please, oh please, oh please." It's like he's sustaining his own sense of self in that conversation.11:26 Ellen: Yeah, yeah. I'd wanted to dig into this question. I'm not the one who wrote it, but I wanted to give this person the opportunity to kind of hear out the full... I'm feeling satisfied with it. I don't know who wrote it, but if they have any additional questions, they're welcome to jump in. Otherwise, I wanna give time to more questions. I know, Ray, we were gonna tag team it. Do you have a second question to go? 11:55 Ray: I do. [chuckle]12:00 Ray: So this is a honeymoon question. So, "As I've recently heard you and other LDS podcasters talk about how newlyweds can have a better honeymoon. Thank you, this conversation is sorely needed. However, I'm disappointed that it so often addresses only the new husband's likely transgressions, while ignoring the new wife's. This makes the conversation feel very one-sided and blaming. I would love to hear you tackle the other half of the problem with equal energy, to round out the conversation by talking just as bluntly to future wives about what they need to know and do, to make their first sexual experience a good one, both for themselves and for their husbands. [noise] Cinderella will wreck a honeymoon just as completely as the inattentive two-minute groom we talked about so often."12:49 Jennifer: Sorry, you just kind of... I just missed that last sentence. You said, "Cinderella can wreck a honeymoon as quickly as" and then I... I think that's what you said.12:57 Ray: Yeah, as completely as the inattentive two-minute groom we talk about so often.13:03 Jennifer: Oh, two-minute groom, got it. Yeah, I mean, probably the reason why I focus on the men is in part because we are so male-focused in our notions of sexuality, and so lots of men come into marriage, and LDS men specifically, in a kind of unacknowledged entitled position. Right?13:29 Jennifer: So it's kind of like, "I've... This is my prize for having remained virginal all this time, and this is... " And they have learned about sexuality in the frame of, "Women exist to gratify this urge within men." So very often, the couple is complicit in that framing, meaning they come by it honestly, but that's their understanding. And so, it often goes that the woman has a very unsatisfying experience, and they both are kind of participating in this idea that the sexuality is primarily about the man.14:13 Jennifer: Okay so, "This person wants me to have equal energy." [chuckle] "It's challenging, I don't know if I can generate it or not." [chuckle] But I guess what I would say to a future woman is just everything I say in The Art of Desire course. Right? Which is that your sexuality is as important as the man's sexuality, and this is a partnership. Right? And that if you frame it in this idea that this is a gift you're giving to your future husband, you can say goodbye to positive sexual experiences, because that frame will kill it. 14:54 Jennifer: And so, even though it's the frame you've been taught, and you've also probably been taught the idea that... I'm assuming you all... Yeah, okay, good. I thought I'd lost you, Ray. The idea that your selflessness and your sacrifice is gonna be fundamental to the marriage being happy, and that you are partly responsible for your husband's happiness sexually and in the marriage... That sounds a little bit wrong for me to say it like that, but basically you kind of shoulder this responsibility of him being happy, especially sexually, that that framing is going to make you unhappy in the marriage, it will kill intimacy, and will be a part of you disliking sex soon enough.15:39 Jennifer: So you must think of it as a shared experience. And I would probably be talking to women about how important it is for them to... If they are relatively naive coming into marriage, how important it is for them to take the time to understand their own capacity for arousal and orgasm, and to not make the focus be intercourse, but mutual arousal, mutual pleasure, and that this is a team sport, and that taking the time to be together in this process, which is... Intercourse and orgasm are not as important as being together in this process of creating something mutual, shared, and desirable by both of you, is extremely important and you ought not move into a passive position, even though you maybe have learned that's the proper way for a woman to be sexually.16:38 Jennifer: That you are a co-constructor of this relationship, and if you take that position, it's a devaluation of yourself and will interfere with the marriage developing as a partnership. So yeah, I have way more to say on it than that, because I've just... That's kind of like my main passion. But yeah, but that's what I would say is right.17:08 Ellen: Jennifer, I'd even jump in to say, on your third podcast that we posted, The Virtue, Passion, and Owning your Desire, you spoke a lot to that point of, "Are you ready as a woman to take on being part of the relationship equally?"17:24 Jennifer: Yeah. Right.17:25 Ellen: And step into that role. And I thought that was really important to pull out.17:31 Jennifer: Yeah. Because a lot of people are... [noise]17:36 Jennifer: Can you hear me alright? Suddenly, it sounded kinda glitchy.17:37 Ellen: Yeah, I can. Could we make sure everybody's on mute?17:41 Jennifer: Just got glitchy for a second there.17:42 Ellen: Yeah, I think... Yeah.17:44 Jennifer: Yeah, I think so. I think one of the things that we just posted today, a quote from one of the podcasts I did recently, was just that a lot of us are tempted to hide behind a partner. You know? To not really step up and be in an equal position, and a lot of times we talk about that, as the male oppresses the female, but I think what feminism hasn't articulated as clearly as it's talked about that dynamic of oppression is how... Like the upside of being Cinderella in a sense. Do you know that fantasy that someone's gonna caretake you, and protect you from the big bad world, and sort of you can just sort of hide in their shadow.18:26 Ellen: There's comfort in that.18:28 Jennifer: Yeah, there's comfort in it for many of us. And we're... So that's why we're complicit in creating an unequal marriage, is we want a caretaker more than we want a partner.18:36 Ellen: Yeah, so I'd even go to say that there's familiarity in that.18:40 Jennifer: Oh absolutely. It's... Right, you know? We grew up watching Cinderella.18:43 Ellen: Exactly.18:44 Jennifer: You know? [chuckle]18:46 Jennifer: I mean, I was looking for somebody to ride in on a horse, for sure. You know? [chuckle]18:50 Ellen: Literally a horse, a white horse.18:52 Jennifer: Exactly. Exactly. And I remember my first year of marriage and I was actually in a PhD program, I was 29 years old. And my, just my IQ dropped in the first year. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just started... I had earned all my own money for my mission, for college, I had lived independently for years. Okay? I get married and I start like, I don't know, just doing dumb things, like parking in a tow zone because I thought John had told me it was okay to park there.19:22 Jennifer: It sounds stupid. I would never have done this in a million years if I had... I was just sort of moving into the frame that I knew, and even my husband was like, "What's going on? Why did you do that?" I'm like, "I don't know, I don't know." [laughter]19:38 Ellen: I got married. Why is my head so... "19:42 Jennifer: Exactly. And almost it's like... It's almost in your DNA or something. Like you're just moving into what you've known. And so you have to catch yourself, that you sometimes are dumbing yourself down 'cause you think that's the way you'll keep yourself desirable.19:56 Ellen: Yeah, I think that's a very good point. It's this idea that that keeps you desirable, but in fact, what keeps you desirable is that ability to make choices and be. And your...20:07 Jennifer: Yeah. To have an... To have a self in the marriage.20:10 Ellen: An identity. Yes.20:11 Jennifer: Absolutely. And any... Any man or woman for that matter, who needs a partner to be under them, for them to feel strong, is a weak person. Right?20:22 Ellen: Yeah. And you made that point actually in another one of your podcasts recently.20:25 Jennifer: Yeah and I... I honestly was married to somebody who was like, "Wait, what are you doing? Don't do... " In that meaning he needed me not to do that, he had no need for me to do that. And so it was helping me stay awake to my own kind of blind movement in that direction.20:43 Ellen: Yeah, and sometimes it just happens, you do it. It's almost this innate... Yes, like you said...20:50 Jennifer: A hundred percent.20:50 Ellen: It's an innate reaction and then, someone else finds that, "Oh, okay, we'll do [noise]" It becomes a pattern.20:57 Jennifer: Absolutely.20:58 Ellen: But you gotta get yourself out of that pattern.21:00 Jennifer: Absolutely, and... Yeah, I... I still can do things like that, where if I'm with an intimidating male, I'll go into "Nice girl" instinctively, and just all of a sudden realize I'm throwing all my strength away like an idiot, and so it's just what is easy to do.21:17 Ellen: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.21:19 Ray: And perhaps that's actually another thing we don't do very well in preparing people to be married, is you've lived your whole life as an individual, and now you've gotta learn how to be in a relationship all the time with somebody. And if you've been on your own a long time, you're probably actually looking forward to being able to lean on a partner to help with... You know.21:40 Jennifer: Yeah. Yeah. But "Lean on" might be a little different than the experience of partnering and sharing the burden, where "Lean on" is a little more of a dependency model, but the collaboration model is really where you have intimate partnerships. That, "How can I bring my strengths, and you bring your strengths to bear, and we can create something stronger and better together." But it's not dependency, in the kind of up-down way. Mm-hmm.22:08 Ray: Yeah. And that was... That was not what I was implying, by the way, but yeah...22:11 Jennifer: Yeah. Sure, sure. Yeah. I'm just a word Nazi, I have to say... [laughter] Because... Because words communicate meaning, so I'm like, "No, wrong meaning." But anyway. [chuckle]22:20 Daniel: So maybe a slightly different perspective, I've worked with a lot of men who've been very patient, they've stopped the pursuing of sex, or taking that dominant role, and have allowed themselves, from maybe your podcasts or things that they've just learned naturally, to kinda back off and allow that space to be there. But then, something else that's happened is kind of what we're talking about, is [cough] Excuse me. I just choked.22:51 Daniel: Is, the female has no desire to pursue desire. So months go by, six months will go by. In some cases, even years will go by23:02 Ray: Or decades.23:03 Daniel: where the husband is not bringing it up in a... Maybe occasionally, "Is it a good time tonight?" But then, the partner's just like, "No, I'm fine." Right? How... I realize that's a huge topic but, how would you go about addressing that? And what's the role... What does... Does the man just not pursue it anymore or what?23:24 Jennifer: No, no. Definitely not. And I hope I can address this well 'cause I'm... I am, 100% I promise going to do a class on men's sexuality this year. [chuckle]23:37 Daniel: Great.23:37 Jennifer: Yeah, I keep promising this, but I actually am gonna do it so... [chuckle] Anyway. But I do hope I can talk quite a bit about this, because I think we've sort of socialized men either into the entitled position, or they... If they don't wanna be that, then they almost can't own desire at all. They see it as, "It's offensive that I want it." And, "This is just this hedonistic, bad part of me." And they can sometimes be partnered with a wife who kinda takes the moral high ground of not wanting sex, or whatever. And this, of course, gets very punctuated by... If porn has been in the picture at all, because you know, now you can kinda claim that you're the bad one because you want sex, and it can make it really hard to deal with the sexless-ness of the marriage.24:22 Jennifer: So what I would be thinking about is, if you're the higher-desire person, whether male or female, and your spouse does not desire you, I think the first question I would want to deal with is, "Why?" Okay? Why don't they desire me? Is it about me? Or is it about them? Or both? Is it that I'm not desirable? And that I'm functioning in a way in my life, or in the marriage, or in the sexual relationship, that it is actually good judgment that they don't desire me?24:53 Jennifer: And/or is there something going on in them that they don't want to deal with, or grow up, or handle around sexuality? And that's obviously it seems like a basic question, but it's one that people surprisingly don't ask themselves very much. Because as I was talking to somebody a couple of nights ago, I was saying, "Why not go ahead and just ask your wife why she doesn't desire you?" And the reason for him is he doesn't want to hear the answer.25:23 Ellen: I was gonna say, that's a very scary question to ask.25:26 Jennifer: Yes, exactly. And in part because he already knows the answer, and he doesn't wanna deal with his own neediness, and the ways that he takes advantage in the marriage, and the things that are actually there that he would need to deal with to be freely desired. I mean, that's the bummer about marriage and intimacy, is that your partner gets to know you. And so, the things that... Your limitations become anti-aphrodisiacs often.26:02 Jennifer: And so if you're gonna really grow in a marriage and a partnership, you have to really look at, "How do I engage or deal in a way that makes me undesirable?" Sometimes people are undesirable, and I'll just speak in the stereotypical way for a moment about, you know, some men are undesirable because they're too apologetic about their sexuality.26:20 Jennifer: Because they sort of devalue it also. And they want their wife to manage the question of their desirability. Or manage the question of the legitimacy of their sexuality. And so, when they are too anxious, or apologetic, or looking for reinforcement around their sexuality, it feels more like mothering or caretaking on the part of their spouse, and that's very undesirable. And so, it's a hard question for men, and for all of us, I think in some ways, of, "How do I stand up for something I want, without being a bully?" Right? "And be contained enough without being wimpy and apologetic for my sexuality?"27:10 Jennifer: "And how do I find that middle ground of kind of owning that my sexuality is legitimate and being clear about my desirability?" Without somehow taking advantage or being too reticent around it. And I think the answer, it's not an easy one to give in just a podcast really, because you kind of have to work with people around what's actually going on. But I think you have to really look honestly and with a clear eye towards the issue of your desirability.27:47 Jennifer: And your own comfort with your sexuality and your sexual desires. Because if you can be clear that you are choosable, and clear that what you want is a good thing, and doesn't harm your spouse or you, then you can stand up for it and deal with... Because it could be that your spouse doesn't want sex because she or he just doesn't wanna deal with their anxieties about sex. And maybe you've been pressured in the marriage to coddle those anxieties too much and too long. And it's creating resentment and low growth. Well then it would actually be a desirable position, even though a challenging one, to stand up more for the sexual relationship moving forward, like in that one podcast I did. 28:36 Ray: Okay. Alright.28:36 Jennifer: So are there other follow-up questions about that, or thoughts? If anybody has them, I'm happy to...28:44 Ray: I'm guessing here, but the person who asked the question, 'cause I've heard you talk about it, I've heard, I think, Natasha Helfer-Parker talk about it, Nate Bagley talk about it. And it does kinda sound pretty one-sided, it's, "Husband, you gotta set your agenda aside, you have to make it all about her. Don't be a jerk."29:12 Jennifer: Yeah.29:13 Ray: My experience was... And I know a lot of other men have, we've had a similar experience, is it's not that we wanted, it was, we weren't gonna just run over our wife and get what we wanted. 29:24 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, yeah.29:25 Ray: You know? And we wanted to know we...29:26 Jennifer: You maybe didn't have... You didn't have a participant maybe from the get-go, some people. Yes, definitely.29:32 Ray: And so, if your partner shows up without any clue at all about what they want or what they need...29:40 Jennifer: Sure. Oh, yeah.29:41 Ray: How do you navigate that?29:42 Jennifer: That's... Absolutely, that's... Right, it can't be collaborative if one person isn't... Not showing up, if they're pulling for a passive position. And many people are and you know, women have been taught not to kinda claim their sexuality because it's anti-feminine. You know? And so a lot of people believe they're gonna show up and the man is gonna teach them about their sexuality, and really, How does he know? [chuckle] I mean, right? For the very people.30:13 Ray: Exactly.30:14 Jennifer: And also, how do you co-create something, unless you're both participants in this process? So yeah, it's true. Yeah.30:23 Leann: I think the frustrating thing is that, and I was one of them, oftentimes women don't, they don't realize they have desire, and they don't even feel like there's anything for... They're not the one with the problem, it's the husband wanting it and I guess pressuring. But when I'm in this intimacy group and it breaks my heart to hear from the husbands, 'cause the wives aren't in the group, they have no desire to want to get better, as far as the sexual relationship.30:56 Leann: So that's what breaks my heart, is these husbands want to, but the wives just shut it down. They don't wanna have anything to do with helping themselves, or how... You know? And that's what I get frustrated in, is how do you help these husbands stand up for what... It would be beautiful, and right, and good in this relationship, but the wives just want nothing to do with it.31:21 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, and I mean, there's... Well, there's the part of me that's compassionate towards the wives, and then the part that would challenge the wives. Okay? So the compassionate part is, "This is how it's all set up." Okay? So desire is bad, sexual desire, any kind of desire. I grew up, the whole Young Women's Manual is about your selflessness, and how that makes you desirable, and that's the frame. Right? So it is a passive frame.31:50 Jennifer: And that sexuality is a challenge to your desirability. So you wanna shut it down. I have lots of clients who had sexual feelings and thoughts, they'd watch Love Boat and masturbate, and [chuckle] so on and on. And then, they'd feel so guilty and bad, that they'd repent and shut it down and shut it down. You know?32:10 Leann: Yes.32:11 Jennifer: And like, as an act of righteousness and sacrifice would basically shut this whole thing down. Then they show up on their wedding night, and they're supposed to be a participant? I mean, based on what? So, meaning we culturally create this. Now, that said, because I have compassion for that, both... And men too, because for the men that maybe are too eager or whatever, they've also... They come by it honestly, they've been sort of taught this idea that women's sexuality exists for their benefit, and for their delight, and so on. So people come by it honestly.32:45 Jennifer: I think, where I would be challenging of women is when they just don't want... You know, I talk about hiding in the shadow. A lot of us don't wanna own what our desires are, or cultivate them, or figure them out. Because we don't want the exposure of it. We want the safety of having somebody else caretake us. We want the belief, or the fantasy that this makes us more righteous, or more noble, or whatever. And we wanna sell that idea, because what we really know is, we don't wanna sort of grow up and take an adult position sexually.33:16 Jennifer: And so, I think, the challenge is once you start... I had a lot of women whose husbands signed them up for the workshop or something, and they are mad, because... And legitimately so, because they feel like, "Look, you just want me to go get fixed, so that you will get everything that you want." Well then, sometimes they show up there, and then they realize, "No, that's not the approach she's taking. And I have this whole aspect of myself, that I have shut down, that it's felt so self-betraying."33:47 Jennifer: And then, they suddenly realize, "Wait, I want to develop this part of me, I want to be whole again, I don't want to always be living in reference to my husband's sexuality." So they really just start to grow into it, and they start to figure out, and sort of deprogram these parts of themselves. There was other people that don't want to develop this part of themselves, because they are afraid... They're in a marriage where they're afraid, if they start to develop any of it, it will just get hijacked and used for the benefit of the husband, because the dynamic of the marriage has to be addressed, still.34:19 Jennifer: But then, there's other people who just, like I said, don't really wanna grow up and develop. And they can hold the other... Their spouse hostage. And they can get the moral high ground, because he's looked at porn, or whatever it is. And it's cruel. You know? [chuckle] It is absolutely cruel. And people can definitely do that, because they just don't want to grow up, don't want to be fair, don't want to take on the full responsibility of sharing a life with somebody. A lot of us get married with the idea that, "You're gonna manage my sense of self and make me happy."34:54 Jennifer: Men and women do this. Very few of us, if we really thought about what we are committing to, would even get married. Because what we're really committing to is, "I'm willing to basically deal with my limitations, and grow myself up for your benefit, given that you're willing to actually hook yourself to me. And I'm willing to really be a good friend to you, and do all the growth that that's gonna require of me." I mean, that's what you ultimately agree to, if you're gonna be happily married.35:22 Ellen: So you're speaking a lot of collaboration. A collaboration alliance.35:25 Jennifer: Yeah. Mm-hmm.35:28 Ellen: Now, I understand you've spoken in the past of collaboration alliance versus collusive alliance?35:33 Jennifer: Yeah, a collaborative alliance versus a collusive one, yes.35:36 Ellen: What's your difference in that? It being a unilateral? Can you speak a little bit more of that?35:41 Jennifer: Well, a collaborative alliance is, I think, the easiest way to say it. And I'm sure if David Schnarch were here, he would say it much more thoroughly. But basically, the idea that David Schnarch is talking about, is that a collaborative alliance is you are willing to do your part in a partnership towards a shared aim. Being good parents, be creating a good marriage in which two people thrive, creating a good sexual relationship in which two people thrive, that would be collaborative. And you do your part, whether or not your spouse is doing their part. You don't use the fact that your spouse may be having a bad day, and not doing their part, to get yourself off the hook around your part.36:18 Ellen: Definitely.36:19 Jennifer: That you're willing to stand up, and be a grown-up, and deal with things, even if your spouse is having a bad day. A collusive alliance is basically, where the worst in your spouse, and your worst in you... And everybody's in some version of a collusive alliance with their spouse. The happier people have less of one. Okay? [chuckle]36:37 Jennifer: But a collusive alliance is the worst in you, hooks into the worst in me, and it justifies the worst in each of us. We use the worst in each other to justify the worst in ourselves. So it's like, you know people say to me all the time in therapy, "I wouldn't be such a jerk if he weren't such a... What a... " You know, like meaning... This is collusive alliance, that I don't have to deal with my sexuality because you're a jerk.37:03 Jennifer: And so I use the fact that you're a jerk to keep justifying that I don't deal with my sexuality. But you can get really mean, and hostile, and nasty, 'cause you know I won't develop this part of myself. Right? So that's the way it dips... Reinforces. And I'm constantly in therapy being like, "Stop dealing with your spouse, deal with yourself. It's the only way this will move forward." I'm always saying that. 37:23 Ellen: Look in the mirror. [chuckle]37:25 Jennifer: Exactly, get the beam out of your own eye. [laughter]37:28 Daniel: Ellen or Ray, there is, I think, a few questions or comments in the comments section. So you don't have to do it at this moment, but when you have a second, follow up with that. 37:36 Ray: We'll have a look at that, thanks.37:38 Ellen: Yeah.37:40 Ray: When you've got a script for how to have that conversation with your kids…[noise] 37:48 Ellen: Ray, I think you're cutting out.37:49 Jennifer: Yeah. Yeah, you just cut out there Ray. Can you say it again? How to get your kids to do that?37:54 Ray: Yeah, I wanna know, if you ever have a script for how to address that with your kids. 'Cause that's the, kind of the bell. Right?37:58 Jennifer: Well, when there are kids who are younger, what... 38:00 Ray: "'Cause you started it." "Well, you started it."38:01 Jennifer: Well yeah, yeah, when my kids were younger, and this was a borrow, I think, from the IRIS book. But basically, they would have to sit on the couch, and they couldn't get off until they each owned what their role was in the problem. So...38:12 Ray: Yes.38:13 Jennifer: Yeah, that's one version of it, yeah. Another version is, like, put you both in the same boat, and until you can come up with the solution, neither one gets the positive thing. So you have to collaborate to get the positive thing. Right.38:28 Ray: Right. Okay.38:30 Ellen: So kind of back to a topic that we had been discussing about the woman really stepping into the role of being collaborative, and in equal partnership in the relationship. We have a comment in the chat box saying, "How do we change the church culture problems of the unclear functioning of women?" I've... So Nicole feel free... Oh.38:54 Jennifer: Can you say that again? Say that to me...38:55 Ellen: Nicole, feel free to jump in and clarify that. I don't know if I read it... "So how do we change that church culture problem of the unclear functioning women? Woman."39:05 Nicole: Under-functioning.39:05 Jennifer: Meaning that... Oh, under-functioning.39:06 Ray: Under-functioning.39:06 Jennifer: There, under-functioning.39:07 Ellen: Oh, under-functioning...39:07 Jennifer: Yeah, there we go.39:08 Ellen: That is why. [chuckle]39:09 Jennifer: Yeah, good.39:10 Jennifer: So how do we change that culture? I mean, it's the women themselves often that are doing the teaching. To basically teach better and teach differently. I mean that like, you know, we can't necessarily go in and change or control what is in the curriculum, but we can change how we each talk to women and we can change what we share in Relief Society and so on, what we... So that's about the best we have. You can do podcasts. [chuckle]39:41 Ellen: You can say really, it's really us, we can...39:44 Jennifer: It's us.39:45 Ellen: Change us, and us will change our relationships with others, and our others or relationships with others will change the others we interact with, and it will expand.39:54 Jennifer: Yeah, absolutely, and I just tend... A lot of times we think the church is the leadership, and then...40:00 Ellen: It comes down to that too, yeah.40:00 Jennifer: We are the church. You have to think of it that way, in my opinion, and you just roll up your sleeves and have as much impact as you can, because I think the more you role model strength like that, the more you give people permission to relate to themselves, or to women in general, differently.40:26 Ellen: So I'm ready to move on to another question that was posed. Ray, do you have any follow-up to the question that you had?40:34 Ray: Nope.40:34 Ellen: No? Alright. So the next one is a really interesting one, it says, "How is it best to navigate having sex during marriage struggles?" They go on to say, "When she's rude, or attacks the kids, or criticizes, or makes fun of me in front of the kids, I'm so repulsed, I don't feel like being around her at all. But then, eventually, within a few days or less, we both get the biological urge and want to enjoy each other, so we do."41:01 Ellen: "And it's great, and we feel closer and better afterwards, but I worry she thinks everything is okay or resolved because we're having sex. When it's not. Perhaps that's how she feels as well. We are starting therapy... " Or, "We started therapy a few months ago, and that's helpful, though expensive. A chance to talk through things. However, in general, when we get a rare chance to be alone and talk away from the kids, we'd mostly rather have sex than talk about our problems."41:26 Jennifer: Okay, well, that's the problem.41:27 Ellen: "Is that a good approach?" [chuckle]41:27 Jennifer: Wrong, no.41:29 Ellen: "Give me advice in that respect, what we do when our problems are all so present?"41:34 Jennifer: Well, it doesn't have to be one or the other, because you could say, "I really wanna have sex with you, but I think the way you talked to the kids today was horrible." Okay? And you don't have to necessarily put them right next to each other. But I wouldn't say one precludes the other necessarily. You can say, "I like you, you matter to me. I like having sex with you and I'm really concerned about how we're parenting the kids, and specifically how you are harsh with them, and then I come in and I coddle them." Or whatever it is. I don't think it has to... I think what maybe the person's asking is, "If I address this, it may very well kill... "42:10 Ellen: I would say, absolutely yes.42:11 Jennifer: "Our ability to have sex." Right? But then, I would say, if that's really true, if you can't deal with your problems and have sex at the same time, then you probably shouldn't be having sex. Because if dealing honestly with what's going on in the marriage means that you're gonna go through a period of time in which desire gets challenged, well I personally think you have a deeper responsibility to the well-being of the marriage, and your role as parents, than to whether or not you have the... How to say it? The placating experience of having sex. So I'm not here to say that necessarily you'll get one or the other, but if you know that you get one or the other, then I think you have to be really careful about how you're relating to sex, 'cause it has its costs.43:05 Ellen: So if we go back to the original... Oh, go ahead.43:06 Jennifer: Okay. No, I was just saying it has its cost if you keep kicking... You know, I talk in my marriage course about over-reactors, people that are freaking out all the time. But then there's also people that are under-reactors or they don't deal with problems as they arise. That's as toxic to a marriage. You then have people that look like they're doing great, because they have sex or they are low-conflict, but a huge storm is brewing, and oftentimes when those marriages rupture, they rupture permanently. Because they have no ability to... They have no ability to kinda handle the problems, because they have no practice in it. And so, under-reacting to your troubles, is really setting yourself up.43:51 Ellen: Yeah, it's an avoidance technique.43:53 Jennifer: Yeah.43:54 Ellen: That's basically what they're doing.43:55 Jennifer: And you know, of course the problems grow. They don't go away, they grow, they start getting out of your control when you don't deal with them.44:03 Ellen: And they're certainly recognizing that, like they've said that they don't like that they're doing this, that they're concerned about this, they've started going to therapy, they recognize that's a very expensive way [chuckle] to talk. And... But they are...44:21 Jennifer: Good luck if you're gonna go into... [chuckle]44:23 Ellen: But they also recognize that they're physically attracted, and they have, as they say, the biological urge, and they want to pursue that as well. And so I see that as a good thing, as well, that they still have that, despite this... [overlapping conversation]44:38 Jennifer: Yeah, well, and it doesn't mean that you can't have sex for sure, 'cause there's lots of couples that are dealing with their troubles, and they're still having sex.44:45 Ellen: Yeah.44:46 Jennifer: It's just another way of being together and sort of, you know, I think sometimes we have the idea that everything must be good in the relationship, and then sex is legitimized. It's just kind of a Mormon cultural idea we have. I don't see it that way, because I think a good sexual relationship can give you some of the sustenance to kinda keep dealing with the challenges. Part of why I've worked out things with my husband is 'cause I'm attracted to him. [chuckle] Okay?45:12 Jennifer: And I want a good sexual relationship, but I want, you know... And so, that desire pushes you through the troubles. It gives you the energy to deal with the hard things. So I wouldn't necessarily say it should... You shouldn't be having sex, I would say if you're using it to get away from your troubles, then it's a problem.45:32 Ellen: But using it for motivation to work through this?45:35 Jennifer: Sure, absolutely. Now, I think what some people are afraid of is if they talk about hard things, then their spouse won't wanna have sex with them. So it's a kind of a kind of... People can be complicit in not dealing with things, the sad issue. But you certainly can use it as a resource, 100%.45:54 Ellen: So their general question is, "How best to navigate having sex during marriage struggles?" It sounds like you're saying, of course don't cut it out, [chuckle] altogether.46:04 Jennifer: Yeah.46:05 Ellen: So... But don't use it as a way to avoid having those conversations.46:09 Jennifer: Exactly. Exactly.46:10 Ellen: Because there may be some fear around having those conversations, that it will reduce the amount of sex that you're having, but using the desire for each other as a motivation to work through those troubles, because you wanna get close together. Is that right?46:26 Jennifer: Yes. Yeah, and I would say what often happens for couples is when they're right in the heat of the struggle, sometimes their desire goes down, but as they start to work things out, the sex gets way better. You know? It's like that, you feel gratitude, you see your partner as somebody who's willing to deal with things, you feel more aware of your separateness as a couple and through some of the struggle, and so the sex is more positive. So I wouldn't see it as one or the other, but I think if you want good sex, you want your relationship to keep growing and thriving, and that means dealing with hard things.47:01 Ellen: Yeah, I can imagine that coming through difficulties and then coming to this place of convergence, where you're just together on something and you've almost... You've repaired something together.47:15 Jennifer: Absolutely.47:15 Ellen: It would make it even more powerful and even more meaningful.47:19 Jennifer: Absolutely. Absolutely. So yeah, I think that's how couples continue to create novelty. In a long-term partnership there's only so much novelty you can generate. And I'm all for novelty, but it's still the same person, it's [chuckle] the same room, or whatever. 47:38 Ellen: That's so true. [laughter]47:41 Jennifer: So you know, but I mean...47:42 Ellen: I worry about that.47:44 Jennifer: Yeah, sure. And I'm all for novelty. There's a lot of fun things you can do to create novelty, but I think what's at the core of a good intimate marriage is a growing marriage. It's a marriage that's growing, and you don't take the other person for granted. You recognize that they will challenge things in themselves, they'll deal with things honestly, you keep sort of becoming aware over and over again, that this is a separate person from you, who owes you nothing, but that will continue to grow and do better for your benefit and their own benefit, and that drives respect and desire. And so...48:17 Ellen: I think that is a really key point, that I'll personally draw out, is they owe you nothing.48:25 Jennifer: That's right.48:25 Ellen: That's hard to swallow.48:26 Jennifer: Yeah, I know.48:27 Ellen: Because there's this sense of, "I've done this for you, you do this for me." Give-take. "You owe me" kind of idea...48:36 Jennifer: Exactly.48:36 Ellen: But to get away from that...48:37 Jennifer: Yes.48:38 Ellen: Feeling. That's hard. [laughter]48:41 Jennifer: It's hard and it's the only way to do marriage, in my opinion.48:44 Ellen: That's novel. [chuckle]48:45 Jennifer: To do it from a passionate position, because as soon as you get it into, "I need this, you're obligated, you owe me." Right?48:52 Ellen: Or even just the marriage contract idea of, "We... You married me, for good and for bad. This is bad, you are in it with me." This idea of, "You owe this for me, we're working on this." Making sure that you're not using that as a form of manipulation.49:08 Jennifer: Yes.49:09 Ellen: But a motivation to work together.49:12 Jennifer: Yeah, which is not about precluding you from running your life, because you can say, "Look, here are the terms of my participation in this marriage, and if you don't wanna live by those terms, I can choose to exit." Okay? I know that's hard when you have a mortgage and kids, and all that, but you can define the terms of your participation, you can control your own choices. But I think as soon as we are in the idea that, "You owe me."49:39 Jennifer: As a way to pressure and to... As a way to be in a marriage, you will kill desire. When it's more like, "Wow, this person chooses me day, after day, after day. That's amazing. This person has offered goodness to my life, and they don't have to. And they do. And that they do, it's a miracle actually." When you live in that frame, which is the only honest way to live in the world, to be honest. Who's owed anything? There's children starving in Africa, do you think that's what... They're getting what they deserve? You know what I mean?50:13 Jennifer: No, but when you get good things it's good fortune. It's by grace, it's by... And so if you don't live in a gratitude-based frame, you're gonna have a hard time living with joy. And you have to live it, I think you have to live in that frame in marriage. Now again, I know people get like, "Wait a minute. Well, do you just mean you have to take whatever you get? The person's having affairs, you can't... "50:34 Jennifer: No, I'm not saying you can't decide if somebody is bringing too little good, if somebody is trying to take advantage of that commitment you've made. That you may then have to make other choices, because living with them is not good for you. Right? Continuing to struggle with them is not good for you. But the idea that... But that's different than living in marriage from a frame of demand. And a lot of people want the safety of doing that.51:04 Ellen: And I think there's this importance of, again as you've mentioned, this independence of self. You've mentioned in your other podcasts sometimes you do have to bring the conversation to the point of, "I'm willing to step away from this marriage."51:19 Jennifer: Absolutely.51:19 Ellen: If that's the case, "Because this is not good for either of us." And that's a very scary place to come to.51:25 Jennifer: Oh yeah. But it's usually where people grow the most. It's when they realize, "I can't make this marriage happen." That for me is when people often make their biggest strides in their development, is when they stop trying to control whether or not their proud spouse chooses them, whether or not the marriage stays together. They're no longer controlling that, they're only controlling who they are, in the marriage.51:48 Jennifer: When people really take that developmental step, that's when marriages really... Well, sometimes they fall apart at that point, because the other person won't step up. Or they really, really take a massive step forward. Because people are really operating, not from trying to obligate and control, but really a framing of choosing, and controlling themselves, and who they are in the marriage.52:09 Ellen: Maybe I'm making a leap here but, Would you say that that's more a high-desire partner position to be in than a low-desire? To kind of...52:19 Jennifer: To put the question of the marriage on the line, you're saying?52:22 Ellen: Yeah, yeah.52:25 Jennifer: Well, it depends on, "Why?"52:25 Ellen: I don't know...52:25 Jennifer: It would depend on "Why?" If somebody is in a marriage where their spouse just won't develop or deal with their sexuality, yes.52:32 Ellen: That's where I'm... Yeah, that's where I'm looking. Right.52:34 Jennifer: If somebody is in a low-desire position because their spouse is narcissistic, for example, or won't deal with the ways that they take too much in the marriage, and they keep trying to stand up to get that person to deal with who they are, because they do want a good sexual relationship, they just don't want sex in the current form. Okay? They're low-desire because of good judgment. Well, then they may be the one who's saying, "Look, I want good sex too, I just don't want what you're offering. It's all about you." And so, they may be the ones putting on... You know, calling it quits.53:08 Ellen: Interesting.53:10 Ray: I think, whenever the notion of, "Is sex a good enough reason to leave the marriage" comes up, there are a lot of people who are really quick to jump on that because they're afraid that if we normalize that, that's gonna be everybody's first choice. "I don't get what I want, I'm out."53:29 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah.53:30 Ray: And in my experience, it's really the opposite. It's when you're willing to actually walk away from... It takes a lot to be willing to walk away from what you have.53:40 Jennifer: Absolutely.53:40 Ray: I don't know that it's... That's anybody's first choice.53:44 Jennifer: Well, and I think a lot of the time when people are saying, "Is sex enough reason?" We have it in the hedonistic frame, rather than if sex really isn't happening in a marriage, there's something bad going on. [chuckle] Okay? You know what I mean? Like, I mean...53:58 Daniel: Yeah, it's not the sex. [chuckle]54:00 Jennifer: Yeah, it's not the sex. Exactly, it's not the sex.54:02 Daniel: Sorry, I don't mean to laugh, but...54:04 Jennifer: No, but then you're right. The sex is an indicator of something much more profoundly important going on. And so, the sex is the canary in the coal mine.54:14 Ellen: And I think that actually hits the point of the original question, the debate around sex not being neediness, or isn't sexy, but also wanting to talk about the importance of it.54:25 Jennifer: Yeah.54:27 Ellen: I think it goes back to that. I know that you've said it's not necessarily about the sex, but... It's the canary but, What killed the canary? [chuckle]54:35 Jennifer: You know, exactly. It's exactly right. Why is the canary dead? Okay? Can we look at that? [laughter]54:44 Jennifer: Exactly. Is there just too much noxious gas that the canary can't breathe? Or is the canary faking dead so that it doesn't have to, you know... [overlapping conversation]54:54 Ellen: It's looking away. [laughter]54:58 Jennifer: Yeah.54:58 Ellen: Well, it is about three minutes to the hour, so I wanna respect your time. It has been a pleasure chatting with you, and being able to listen more. Our focus to three podcasts and collect people's questions and really just discuss with you. So I wanted to give you a couple minutes to close up, any closing thoughts you had as far as the discussions that we've had today. If there's any kind of ending thoughts you'd like to share, and then give you that au revoir and [chuckle] the opportunity to sign off, and...55:38 Jennifer: Sure.55:38 Ellen: Really one day invite you to come back, we'd love to have a follow-up at some point, and do this again.55:45 Jennifer: Sure.55:46 Ellen: But the time is yours.55:48 Jennifer: I'm trying to think if I have any profound final thoughts. [laughter]55:53 Ellen: You're probably thinking a lot actually. [chuckle]55:57 Jennifer: Well, I guess maybe I would just say I respect in everybody that's here, the pursuit of sorting through these hard things, like marriage and intimate relationships are not easy. To achieve the beauty that relationships are capable of, takes a lot of courage. Courage to deal honestly with ourselves, to deal honestly with our spouse, to face hard things. Happy marriages are not for sissies. Okay?56:30 Ray: Soundbite. [laughter]56:39 Jennifer: So I really do...56:41 Daniel: Jennifer?56:41 Jennifer: Yeah, go ahead.56:42 Daniel: My wife just wanted... Heard what you said and wants to put it on a t-shirt. Do we need to get a waiver or something? "Happy marriages aren't for sissies." [chuckle]56:50 Jennifer: Aren't for sissies. Yeah, you could do that, just stick my name on it and my website... [laughter]56:55 Daniel: You got it.57:00 Jennifer: So yeah. So I respect it, I always respect it because I think it's the best in humans when people are willing to kind of face those hard things. And when I watch people go through it, it's hard. But it's really where all the beauty lies. So, there's divinity in all that process, even though it can feel like you're in hell sometimes.57:25 Ellen: Well said.57:25 Jennifer: Okay.57:28 Ellen: Well, Jennifer thank you so much for your time.57:31 Jennifer: You're welcome.57:32 Ellen: Have a wonderful evening, and keep warm out there. [chuckle]57:36 Jennifer: Thank you, I'll try.57:37 Ellen: Please try to stay warm.57:39 Jennifer: Okay, thanks everybody. Bye.57:40 Ray: Thank you.57:41 Ellen: Bye-bye. So, we're on. Yeah, go ahead Ray. You got it.57:46 Ray: No.57:46 Ellen: Well you got the book. [chuckle]57:49 Ray: Okay. Let's go ahead and stop the recording at that point.

This week's episode with Nate Bagley is one of my all-time favorites! He's an experienced marriage researcher, interviewing some of the greats, such as John and Julie Gottman, Gary Chapman and Sue Johnson.He teaches us his framework for building a strong foundation of friendship within your marriage, so you are able to have hard conversations and withstand conflict. His pillars of friendship include the framework of I know you, I like you and I have your back.You will love the simplicity and ease with which he explains these three pillars and the way he uses experiences from his own life to illustrate these concepts beautifully. He talks about an experiment he did with his wife in his first year of marriage to find out her love language and we made a challenge out of it. Whether you have been married for 3 days or 30 years, it's such a boost to any relationship to know your spouse's love language.You can join our 5 Love Languages Challenge at: https://www.onthebrightersideofmarriage.com/love-language-challenge. I promise, it will be so much fun!You can find out more about Nate and his incredible program here: https://www.talktoyourspouse.com/. I also suggest looking up his podcast: https://www.mormonmarriages.com/podcast or his blog: https://growthmarriage.com/.Don't forget the perfect gift for anyone on your list who is married and hard to shop for is the EPIC Marriage Summit All Access Pass. You can get that here: https://www.onthebrightersideofmarriage.com/allaccess. Get a this special low price only through the holidays.

This week's episode with Nate Bagley is one of my all-time favorites! He's an experienced marriage researcher, interviewing some of the greats, such as John and Julie Gottman, Gary Chapman and Sue Johnson. He teaches us his framework for building a strong foundation of friendship within your marriage, so you are able to have hard conversations and withstand conflict. His pillars of friendship include the framework of I know you, I like you and I have your back. You will love the simplicity and ease with which he explains these three pillars and the way he uses experiences from his own life to illustrate these concepts beautifully. He talks about an experiment he did with his wife in his first year of marriage to find out her love language and we made a challenge out of it. Whether you have been married for 3 days or 30 years, it's such a boost to any relationship to know your spouse's love language. You can join our 5 Love Languages Challenge at: https://www.onthebrightersideofmarriage.com/love-language-challenge (https://www.onthebrightersideofmarriage.com/love-language-challenge) . I promise, it will be so much fun! You can find out more about Nate and his incredible program here: https://growthmarriage.com/ (https://growthmarriage.com/blog) . Don't forget the perfect gift for anyone on your list who is married and hard to shop for is the EPIC Marriage Summit All Access Pass. You can get that here: https://www.onthebrightersideofmarriage.com/allaccess (https://www.onthebrightersideofmarriage.com/allaccess) . Get a this special low price only through the holidays.

In this interview with Nate Bagley from the Loveumentary, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife talks about the following topics: how a patriarchal view of sex can be damaging to your relationship, why it's important to take ownership of your own desires and your own sexuality, helpful tips for experiencing orgasm, and how good sex takes lots of practice.

In this interview with Nate Bagley from the Loveumentary, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife talks about the following topics: how a patriarchal view of sex can be damaging to your relationship, why it's important to take ownership of your own desires and your own sexuality, helpful tips for experiencing orgasm, and how good sex takes lots of practice.To learn more about Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s work, visit our Website, check out our Course Page, and take a look at our upcoming Events.www.Finlayson-Fife.comThis episode was originally aired on December 1st 2016.You can also listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, TuneIn, and Stitcher.

I know this is not news to anyone, but…caring for our marriages is SO IMPORTANT (and not always easy)! Which is why I’m so excited to share three ways to improve your marriage today. I had the opportunity to attend “An Evening with the Gottmans” date night in October, and I decided to do a followup Zoom call to discuss my takeaways with anyone from my email list who wanted to join. I included a worksheet for fill out during the call to make this as actionable as possible because, as I’ve mentioned before, we all know that marriage gets put on the back burner way too often. This week’s episode on 3 in 30 is a replay of that Zoom call, so you can ALL participate! >>Click HERE to download the worksheet if you want to fill it out as you listen or after you listen!

 Amanda Louder is a Certified Life Coach who helps women from conservative Christian backgrounds love their sex life. She helps women embrace their sexuality to help them strengthen their relationship with themselves, their spouse, and their Heavenly Parents. As a first step to helping women embrace their sexuality, she has provided a FREE guide to help women understand how they personally experience pleasure. You can get this guide by going to www.amandalouder.com/improvingintimacyIn addition to being a coach, Amanda is also a wife, mom to 3 and step-mom to 2.  In her spare time, she enjoys reading, watching her kids play sports, fishing, and camping.To hear more from Amanda, you can find her on Instagram @AmandaLouderCoaching or her podcast "Live From Love" where she talks about all things sex and marriage.[music]00:02 Voice Over: Welcome to Improving Intimacy, a podcast to help single and married Latter Day Saints strengthen their family connections and marriages. Daniel A. Burgess is the host of Improving Intimacy. Daniel's a marriage and family therapist, father, husband, and author. Here's Daniel on this episode of Improving Intimacy.00:20 Daniel: Welcome to another episode of Improving Intimacy. Today, we have life coach Amanda Louder with us, and I'm excited to explore her journey. I've been through her podcast and her website, and she's a member of the Intimacy Group. And I really enjoy her comments a lot, so I'm excited, and hopefully you are excited, to explore her journey to healthy sexuality here. So, let's jump right into it. Welcome. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Amanda.00:47 Amanda: Thanks so much, Daniel, I'm excited to be here. My name is Amanda Louder. I am a certified life coach. I coach women, primarily from conservative Christian backgrounds, help them embrace their sexuality, learn to love their sex life. I'm married. I'm currently on my second marriage, don't plan to have any more. [chuckle]01:08 DANIEL: Oh, wow.01:09 AMANDA: And together we have five kids, ranging from 11 to almost 20.01:14 DANIEL: That's exciting. So, what took you on this journey? I'm assuming that you weren't always a life coach.01:18 AMANDA: No. [chuckle]01:20 DANIEL: So, what brought you here?01:22 AMANDA: So, when I went through my divorce about eight years ago, it was really a time of discovery for me and discovering myself. And I actually have a great relationship with my ex-husband now, and we co-parent really well. And I'm remarried. I actually got remarried fairly quickly. I met my husband just six weeks after my divorce was final, and we married about nine months later, and we've been very happily married for seven years now. And so, people started reaching out to me for divorce advice, because they could see that, I guess as far as divorce goes, it was pretty successful. [chuckle] And so, I was getting calls like three or four times a month from people either asking for themselves or for a close friend or family member. And I really started thinking about going back to school to become a therapist so that I could help more women who had been in my situation. And I looked into it, and it would have taken me a lot of years and a lot of time that I wasn't willing to sacrifice with my family. I had five children at that point, and I'm very busy with them. And so, it wasn't something that I was willing to pursue. But then I found coaching a few years ago, and immediately, it felt like the right choice. It felt like what I was meant to do.02:44 AMANDA: So, I started coaching, and then I went through a certification program. I started originally just coaching women who were struggling in their marriage and contemplating divorce, helping them come to that decision for themselves with confidence and peace. And as I coached more and more, I found more and more women were struggling with healthy sexuality within their marriage and within themselves. And I was actually just on a trip this summer with a bunch of other girlfriends who are also coaches, and we're sitting around our condo, as girls do, and sex comes up. And so, I started imparting of my knowledge of the subject. And by the end of our trip, all of my friends were like, "Amanda, you have to do this. You have to change your niche. This is what you were truly meant to do. We have learned more from you in a weekend than we have in 15 years of marriage." And I was very hesitant at first. Sex can be a very scary topic for some people. I come from a background... A very private background. My parents are very private people.03:48 DANIEL: Very.03:49 AMANDA: I've never been that way. I'm always been an open book. But respecting where I came from and stuff, I understand that it can be a very scary subject for a lot of people to talk about. But it is something that I am very comfortable talking about. I feel very comfortable in that space and really want to help women love their sex life and embrace that so that they can not only enjoy their marriage more, but truly embrace who they are as a person. And I think it helps them come closer to themselves, to their spouse, and to their heavenly parents.04:20 DANIEL: I think it's impressive as I listen to your podcast. It's one thing to be a coach or even a therapist and work with people with sexual health issues, another have this ability to talk about the very sensitive, private, taboo topics in a way that's very comfortable. And that's one thing I immediately appreciate listening to your podcast. You could say things like vagina, clitoris, masturbation. The one episode I was listening to, I think it was orgasms. And the way you presented the information, you even talked about how using masturbation is a healthy part of discovering yourself. The way you presented it was very impressive. It's very difficult within our culture to even use the word masturbation. You pointed out it's a dirty word, and it triggers a lot of people.05:04 AMANDA: Well, I have to attribute a lot of that to you, Daniel. I listened to a podcast you were on, I think it was maybe the Mormon Marriages podcast, and mainly...05:11 DANIEL: Oh, with Nate Bagley and his wife?05:13 AMANDA: Yes. And it really opened up my eyes to a different way of looking at things. And then, I really started doing a lot of my own research and thoughts and prayer about it to be a lot more open-minded about it.05:26 DANIEL: Thank you. It's been quite a journey, but today's podcast is not about me. I relate to you a lot, just I didn't realize you had this background with your divorce. It sounds almost parallel to my experience. I'm assuming you probably already know. But it sounds like we were even divorced at probably about the same time. And I met my wife shortly before my divorce, and we knew we were gonna get married within months after my divorce was finalized. And so, in my journey, I made the stupid decision of jumping back into school and getting into therapy, and that was... It's difficult. And I knew it was gonna be hard, but I value and appreciate the weight of that journey, and I've been very open and vocal about life coaching and the concerns I have around it. You have something that most coaches don't have, is an actual certificate. You're a certified professional life coach. And I think that's important because one of the things of working with people, especially with this type of subject, is you really gotta understand your boundaries, professionally, ethically, and what the client's responsibility is and your responsibility is. And I think that adds an additional level of safety in the relationship.06:37 DANIEL: And so, very good for you. I admire you for doing that, because you're right. I can't tell you how many people I've seen in our position, try to go back into, or at least pursue therapy as a career, and they have to stop after four or five years because it's gotten too expensive, and the barrier to entry is just ridiculous. And that's why I don't say life coaching is not an option. I think it is definitely an option. In fact, I hire life coaches, and I worked as a life coach for a while. But back to what you do, I love this. So, you're presenting a message of safety to these women and you're giving an example that they haven't seen before. When you say you did a divorce right, I totally understand what you mean by that. No divorce is easy, by any means. But they were pursuing you. What did you notice? What was maybe a common theme or pattern that you saw in the people who were seeking your advice? Kind of a big question there, but what would you sum it up, or did you see any patterns, or was it kind of all over the place?07:33 AMANDA: It's really all over the place. Everybody comes to the table with different issues. Their spouse comes to the table with different issues. And it's just really helping them see how they're interpreting the situation, the story that they're telling themselves, and how that's giving them the results that they're getting in their marriage. I worked with women who were really struggling with their sexuality, I worked with women whose husbands had issues with pornography, I was working with women who have had issues with infidelity in their marriage. And some, they were just unhappy because their husbands weren't living up to what they thought husbands should be, what they thought their spouse was supposed to be, the needs that their spouse was supposed to be meeting in them, and just teaching them how to meet those needs for themselves and just letting their partner be them and choosing to love them anyway.08:22 DANIEL: That's a big one, and one that I don't think even a lot of therapists embrace. Maybe that's not a fair statement. Maybe don't value or understand a lot. We get couples into the therapy room, and we focus on better communication. And those things are important. But I like what you're saying here. And I wanna inquire a little bit more about that, and focusing on the individual and their needs. And I've heard that in a few of your podcasts, the need to turn to yourself and understand what your needs are. Tell me a little bit more about your journey there and how you came to that conclusion.08:54 AMANDA: Well, we all have issues, we all come to the table with baggage. And really, being able to look at yourself and see what you're bringing to the table and how you're contributing to your relationship. Are you being needy? Are you being demanding? Are you being... And they stem from all sorts of issues from your background, but you're showing up in a way that's creating the relationship that you don't want. And so, really taking a look at how your thinking is creating that result for you, creating that relationship for you, and what you can do differently even if your spouse never changes. And sometimes that means making hard decisions. Sometimes, that means setting boundaries, walking away, whatever that is for you. But looking at yourself first, not, "How do I change him?" It's, "How do I change me? How do I get comfortable with myself in this situation, no matter how my partner shows up?"09:54 DANIEL: That's a huge concept. [chuckle]09:56 AMANDA: Yeah, it is.09:56 DANIEL: Big. And I'm curious if you get any push back on that?10:00 AMANDA: For sure.10:00 DANIEL: How do you deal with that? Let's get a little bit more specific here. I think there's this danger, and you pointed out in one of your podcasts is, "Are you blaming me for my spouse's behaviors then?" And that's usually how that phrase is taken. It's like, "Focus on yourself. See what you're doing to contribute to the problem or the issue." How do you navigate that?10:19 AMANDA: Well, it's individual. It really just depends on how they're thinking about it. What I say to all of my clients is, every problem is a thought problem. It's just how you're choosing to think about it. Or, you're believing what your brain is offering to you without questioning it. If you wanna believe something, believe it with intention, not just because that's what's offered to you. One I hear a lot is, like, "My spouse plays way too many video games. I'm sick and tired of him neglecting me, neglecting the house, neglecting the kids, because he's busy playing video games." And this could be a variety of things. It could be watching sports or looking at pornography, or whatever it is. It's his behavior. Well, how are you choosing to think about it? How are you contributing to that situation? One, you can choose to think that it's not a problem. That's totally up to you. But you can also choose to think it is a problem, and then what are the results of that? And are you okay with that? Is that serving you? If it's serving you, go ahead and keep thinking about it. But if it's not, then you can look at what you want to purposely think instead that might change that dynamic.11:25 AMANDA: Try to look at it from his point of view. Maybe he's had a long day at work, and this is how he knows how to unwind. Maybe he's doing that too much and you just need to have a conversation about it. But are you having that conversation in a blaming way, like, "You shouldn't do this," or you're saying, "This is what I see, and this is how it's affecting me. This is how I feel"? And be confident enough in yourself to be able to say those things.11:49 DANIEL: I really appreciate that. I use this example and I appreciate it as an example because we focus on the wrong problem a lot. And when I work with clients and they say, let's go with this example of, "He's gaming all the time. And he won't listen to me, he won't get off. He's absorbed with it." And what the discussion starts to evolve around is, how much he's gaming. But that's not really what we want. We want his attention. And so, I will often say, "Tell you what, let's try this experiment. Why don't you stop talking about the... Don't ever bring up the gaming anymore. And you walk into the house after getting the kids or coming home from work, and you see him gaming with his headphones on or whatever he's doing, and tell you what, why don't you do something a little bit different and go up to him, hug him in a way that's not distracting him but letting him know that you're there, and say, 'I would really love to spend a few minutes with you. I miss you'? And watch how that changes." Now, often, people will... They'll come back and they'll say, "He didn't listen to me."12:55 AMANDA: Keep doing it.12:56 DANIEL: No, keep doing it, day after day. Create a new sense of predictability. I think a lot of couples, depending... Especially if they've been in this rut for so long, it's like, "I'm not trusting that behavior. Where is that coming from?" It becomes a little bit suspicious. "You're actually focusing on me and not the games. Are you just trying to manipulate me?" But we give the gaming, or whatever that problem is or that distraction, all the attention. And it no longer becomes about each other. It's about ending this. As though taking that behavior away will then create a healthy behavior.13:28 AMANDA: Well, so I talk a lot about, like, "Who do you want to be in this situation? Do you wanna be the nagging, controlling wife? Or do you want to be the wife who's loving and compassionate and trying to create that connection with your spouse?" Because really, that's what's happening. You're not getting that connection that you want. He's getting the connection through gaming, or whatever. He's getting what he thinks he needs, but he probably rather get it from you, if you're offering it in the right way.13:55 DANIEL: It's interesting, as I listen to you speak, you're definitely using language, I think you have an advantage as a woman working with female clients. I don't know if I could ever get away with saying, "nagging." "Stop nagging your husband."14:05 AMANDA: [chuckle] Yeah. Women nag, I can say that. We nag. Yeah.14:09 DANIEL: [chuckle] Yeah, that's very good, that's very difficult to do, and be able to focus on the positive behavior. I always call it, "What's the desired outcome?" And they'll say, "Stop the game." No, that's not the desired outcome. The desired outcome is, "I wanna feel closer. I wanna feel connected." Then, let's make that...14:29 AMANDA: Let's make that the goal.14:30 DANIEL: Not the ending. 'Cause really, if your husband... And let's exaggerate a little here, for example's sake. If he's gaming 12 hours a day, but he's providing a living and you feel totally connected to him, is the gaming really a problem? "No, I feel totally connected to him." So, it's not really the gaming. I realize it's an exaggerated example, but usually, is the case. So, excellent, I love that approach. So, tell me a little bit more about how you work with the sexual topic. I know when I first did this, it was... And I appreciate the compliment that you got it from me, but when I first did this, and I've shared this story before. My first blog post was a couple, maybe three years ago, about masturbation, my infamous, seven series blog posts. I remember when I clicked post, I was shaking. I was afraid of how people would perceive me and just the whole cultural phenomenon around that. And so, it took me quite a few years to get to that point where it was even comfortable to say out loud, even with clients. Masturbation. I'm constantly managing that sensitivity around that issue. How do you feel like you've taken that journey and getting comfortable with engaging in those topics with people?15:48 AMANDA: It's just kind of who I am. I'm...15:51 DANIEL: Oh, really?15:51 AMANDA: I think it's become more and more comfortable, but it's never been something that I've really had a problem talking about, body parts and saying vulva and vagina and clitoris and penis. That's never been an issue for me. But that's not how I was raised, so...16:10 DANIEL: Yeah, you were saying you were raised in a very private home.16:13 AMANDA: Yes, very. Very private. So, it's just something that I feel like... I almost feel like it's a gift that I've been given. And that's part of the reason... When I started coaching a year-and-a-half ago, I don't know that I would have been ready at that point to discuss these sexual topics in the nature that I do now and become a sex coach. [chuckle] But now, I'm stepping into my own, that is who I am, and I can see that very, very clearly. And I feel very prompted. I bring prayer and the Spirit very much into every podcast that I do and all of my coaching sessions. I pray about what I'm supposed to be podcasting about that week, and I feel very prompted onto what those topics are supposed to be. And so many times, when I listen to those promptings, the words just flow. And so, I just learned to recognize that this is who I am, this is who I was made to be, and I'm just really stepping into that, and as I do so, my Heavenly Father is blessing me more and more.17:26 DANIEL: I appreciate hearing that. I think one of the collateral damage of work in my type of profession is being hyper-sensitive to people's concerns and not wanting to offend or come across as unempathetic. And I think sometimes that's a detrimental in the sense that I forget my personality in that because I'm so focused. And it's interesting because it's almost like a marriage in a sense, because if I lose myself in that work and that other person, I forget the gifts that I bring. So, that's a really good reminder to me, I appreciate hearing that. And being myself, I think, I've talked about this, written about this, is, I'm gonna say dumb things and I'm gonna say things that are incorrect.18:12 AMANDA: Totally.18:13 DANIEL: I'm dyslexic in my communication, as you probably already can tell, but if I focus more on a fear on not being truthful to myself and offending somebody else, I lose that power in that message. And so, that's a great reminder.18:28 AMANDA: We can't control what other people are thinking, so no matter what we say, people could be offended. [chuckle] So, I would rather just be true to myself and true to who I know I'm supposed to be, and let them worry about them.18:40 DANIEL: We call that differentiation in therapy, and that's a powerful concept and very difficult for a lot of people to embrace. I've discovered, as I've tried to bring that to the table, and I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this is, as you teach clients how to differentiate and to be an individual, is that scary for them? What's their experience like?19:01 AMANDA: Yeah, I always tell clients it's gonna get worse before it gets better.19:05 DANIEL: What do you mean by that? I think I know what you mean.19:07 AMANDA: Yeah, so when we start showing up differently, the dance changes. We've been doing this dance with our partner, with ourselves, even, for a very long time, and when we start showing up differently, the people around us, and not just our spouse, but our parents, our children, our friends, are like, "Woah, what's happening here? This is not normal." And they're like, "I don't know how to do this dance, I don't know how to respond." But eventually, most the time, they get the hang of it. If we just...19:35 AMANDA: You create a new normal...19:36 AMANDA: You create a new normal. So, I have a client who... She was definitely... Well, she says, "Being controlled," by her spouse. Really, she was letting herself be controlled. We know that it's not... They're not controlling, you're letting yourself be controlled. So, once she learned to step into her own, her spouse was like, "No, this is not happening. I run... This is what I do." And she was like, "Sorry, this isn't the way it's happening." And now, they've figured out this new dance and things are so good, so good. They've learned to give and take more, and she's willing to really say what she's thinking and not be afraid of his response. And he wasn't abusive or mean, or anything, it was just like, "I'm the man. This is the way it's gonna be". And she...20:26 DANIEL: It was his role.20:28 AMANDA: It was his role. And she's like, "Sorry, that's just not gonna work anymore". And it was really rough for a long time, but then he's like, "Okay, this is the new normal. Okay, I can see how this is actually beneficial for both of us. Okay, this is working. Yeah, okay, let's keep doing this, let's do it, let's do this dance now." And it's so much better.20:48 DANIEL: That is so wonderful to hear from you because I think there's a concern when we... When we look at these relationships, we have a difficult time in general. I'm not just talking about life coaches or therapists, is someone has to be bad and somebody has to be good. And so, when we look at these situations I think we have to be very, very careful. And you demonstrated that right now, is where we have... Let's go with this example of the wife coming in, saying, "I'm being controlled." And then, you reframe it to, "You're allowing yourself to be controlled," which is a big concept and a little scary, as you see. But then, the husband's response in this is, "No, this isn't gonna happen." We tend to stereotypically identify that as a manipulative person. But you had this insight is, "Well maybe this is just his training." He's not trying to be a bad person, as you clarify. He wasn't abusive, but his behavior, the way he was raised as an individual, this is his communication style and he doesn't know how to get out of it, so we need to help him out of it. It's not because he's a bad person. But he just doesn't know how to do it.22:00 AMANDA: But he didn't come to coaching, he didn't go to therapy. It was only her. But by her changing the dynamic and changing the way that she was showing up in the relationship, changed the relationship.22:12 DANIEL: Yes, and that's huge. Good clarification there. And you were able to create that change through her.22:18 AMANDA: And it wasn't me creating the change through her, it was her creating the change through her.22:22 DANIEL: But even in that situation... In fact, it could be even more risky, because we could look at this, we don't know the husband, we don't know his behavior, it could become an easy out and say, "He is abusive. You need to get away from him."22:33 AMANDA: Well, you can, but we talk about that and we talk about healthy boundaries, what those look like. When he starts exhibiting more control, maybe using some language that violates one of those boundaries, then you say, "Hey, that's not okay with me. If you wanna keep using that language, that's totally fine, but I'm gonna go, I'm gonna leave the room. I'm gonna leave the house for a couple of hours. I'll come back when you're ready to talk about it again in a better manner," I guess.23:00 DANIEL: I notice on your website, and it sounds like you work exclusively with women, but do you ever work as a couple?23:06 AMANDA: Yeah, I've worked with couples, I've worked with just men.23:08 DANIEL: Okay, so it's not just women.23:10 AMANDA: No.23:11 DANIEL: But that's your primary audience.23:13 AMANDA: Yes.23:13 DANIEL: So, along this line of thinking, you extend this idea of, "You need to take responsibility in your relationship for your own behavior and how you perceive things and create a new healthy or a new normal." You push this idea into intimacy. And I think it was that same podcast I was listening to is, "When sex is requested, say yes."23:36 AMANDA: It's the Nike approach. Just do it.23:38 DANIEL: Just do it.23:38 AMANDA: Say yes to the sex. That's what I say.23:40 DANIEL: And you addressed the concerns around that in the podcast, but tell me a little bit more because there is a risk there. How do you create healthy boundaries in an environment where you're saying yes to sex whenever requested?23:52 AMANDA: Yeah, so of course there's gonna be abuses taken, but what I'm talking about is more just in a good healthy relationship, where a lot of women are just not in the mood, so they're not... They don't wanna do it whenever their husband wants. And I'm really encouraging them to cultivate that connection and that desire within themselves, so that when their husband approaches them, they're ready, they want it too. And the more that they cultivate that within themselves, the more they start to crave it themselves.24:28 DANIEL: Is there ever a time to say no?24:29 AMANDA: Yeah, I've had women who, like, "Well, what if my husband is wanting sex as I go out the door and I need to be somewhere?" I'm like, "Okay, that's not gonna work. But you don't say, 'No, we're not having sex right now,' you say, 'Hold that thought. Let's do it later. I gotta run here.'" So, you're not saying no, you're saying yes, but let's do it later, when it's a little bit more convenient.24:51 DANIEL: You're focusing on the desired outcome. I love it.24:54 AMANDA: Yeah. Another one was like... And this is... Sorry, maybe too much for you, but women are like, "Well, can I say no when I'm on my period?" I'm like, "Well, that's a boundary... "25:03 DANIEL: Not too much here at all.25:05 AMANDA: "That's the boundary you can set for yourself." "Yes, I will say yes to you when I'm not on my period." But I will push you a little bit further and say, "It is totally fine for you to have sex while you're on your period, you just have to make some adjustments. Get a towel. It might be a little messier. Use a menstrual disk so that you can... " There are options. It's just, what are you willing to do for that?25:28 DANIEL: As I said at the beginning, we're gonna meander here. I love having just casual conversation. Let's explore that a little bit more there. I've actually, and maybe it's just being a man, I'm seeing a different perspective here, but I'm curious what you're seeing. Usually, I hear the man doesn't wanna have sex while the wife is on her period. Are you seeing it the other way around, where usually it's the women or is it...25:50 AMANDA: I see both. In my, "say yes to the sex challenge", if the man is saying, "I wanna have sex and I know you're on your period," then what is your hold up? What barriers are you putting into play? Just like, "Oh, I can't do it because I'm on my period," or like, "Is there really a problem?"26:09 DANIEL: Excellent, excellent insight there. I love it. So fascinating. So, what is the maybe biggest obstacles to intimacy that you're seeing for women?26:22 AMANDA: Guilt. Shame. Not knowing their body.26:25 DANIEL: Guilt and shame around what?26:28 AMANDA: I think the cultural dialogues that they've had in their youth, that their sexuality is something that needs to be repressed and is evil and is going to take them to hell, and then all of the sudden expecting that to be different when they're married. And not understanding that we should not be repressing sexuality as teenagers. We should be learning to manage it. And so, now that you're an adult, you've gotta figure out how to manage it as an adult. And that means not continuing to suppress it, and that means doesn't going crazy but learning how to manage it as an adult manages things.27:06 DANIEL: Wow. How does one go about eliminating that guilt? That's...27:11 AMANDA: Figuring out where it comes from, what the thoughts are, and just retraining the brain on... A lot of what I get is women saying, "I feel dirty. I feel un-virtuous. I feel like Heavenly Father is going to be mad at me."27:28 DANIEL: Wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about about when they're having sex with their spouse?27:30 AMANDA: Yes, when they're having sex with their spouse, that it creates all of this guilt and shame that somehow their Heavenly Father is looking down on them for not using sex only for procreation. For a lot of them, it's okay to procreate, but for fun and enjoyment and being closer to their spouse, not okay.27:48 DANIEL: This is actually something that I've discovered more and more. I think I knew it before, but I didn't realize how deep it ran. I knew it did with me, but for maybe other reasons. But this concept, if you noticed in the group and maybe you saw are common, with the new interview, temple-recommended interview questions came out. And the questions around the law of chastity where you're striving to have morally clean thoughts. And some... And this is not to point out anybody or criticize or shame in any way, but a few people were actually saying, "How do I answer that question when I'm desiring sex with my husband?" Or something to that effect. And so, they equated this idea that sex, even with your eternal companion, is dirty and can't be experienced emotionally or mentally.28:35 AMANDA: Or having thoughts about having sex with your spouse is dirty. And yeah, I just... I'm like, "No." And I tried to tell this as much as I can and try to help women understand, like, "This is what's supposed to be happening. This is what your Heavenly Father wants for you. He gave you an entire organ just for your pleasure. It's not... He wants you to be having fun. He created your brain to need novelty and newness and dare we say dirty thoughts to get aroused with your spouse." Now, sometimes minds wander, and that's fine too. But if you're not turning away from your spouse to do that, if you're turning towards your spouse, even if your mind is going a different direction, good on you. That's what's supposed to be happening. This is how your brain was created. This is what your Heavenly Father wants for you. Just changing that dialogue, I think, is so needed, and that's what one of my main messages is. It's like, let's just change this dialogue a little bit. All of these things that you've heard or you heard as youth or you're reinforcing to yourself now, you're interpreting, there's a different way to think about things, and I just want you to open up your mind to that possibility.29:47 DANIEL: Yeah. What a wonderful idea there. That concept of guilt runs so deep and we start to bring so many different perspectives into the bedroom. And...29:58 AMANDA: Oh, for sure.29:58 DANIEL: We gotta get the Bishop out of the bedroom, we've gotta get our culture out of the bedroom. And how do we do that? 'Cause it crushes sex. Do you see... When a client of yours is able to embrace that idea and start to re-map their brain in how they think about this, what do you see happen to their sexual arousal or desire?30:19 AMANDA: It goes way up.[chuckle]30:22 DANIEL: It seems like I led right into that...30:23 AMANDA: Way up, yeah. This has happened with quite a few clients, but I usually see them creating, cultivating that more within themselves. And it just... It makes everything better. I have a little theory here that the anxiety that so many women have is really just that they're sexually frustrated. And I would love to do some sort of study on this. I gotta try and figure it out. But I really think that they don't understand their body well enough to know that they're actually craving it, and they need it. And if they would just let their body do what it was made to do, quit putting on the brakes all the time and just let it run, it would be so much better for every aspect of their life. They would be a better wife, they would be a better mother, they would be a better friend, they would be a better worker. Every single aspect of their life would be better. And I have seen that for myself. I've seen it in my clients. It happens almost every time. Unless there's some sort of sexual trauma, abuse or something that needs to be worked through, and that's not something I do. I turn that over to the professionals. I can work with a therapist when it comes to that, but that's not something that I personally work on, that's out of my scope. But unless there's that there, it's just women putting on the brakes when they don't need to put on the brakes.31:50 DANIEL: Yeah. Have you ever seen... And I appreciate the clarification around the trauma, and I think that's very important to... And thankful that you refer out for that stuff. And I think that it's important to understand too, it's not for everyone to approach it this way. I'm curious if you've ever seen where somebody is working on their guilt and they start to experience their desires in a way that they've never done before. Have you noticed any of them actually get scared of that desire?32:17 AMANDA: Yeah.32:18 DANIEL: Tell me a little bit about that.32:19 AMANDA: Their brain is doing this, like, "I want it, but I can't." And they're just fighting it constantly, and so, it's causing all this friction that they don't understand.32:28 DANIEL: They can't what? They can't have it or... Oh, because it's bad.32:31 AMANDA: It's bad. They shouldn't. But helping them retrain their thinking so that, like, "No, this is a good thing. This is what I was created for. If I can embrace this, my Heavenly Father can give me even more of His Spirit and His blessings. He can bless my relationship, my marriage, even more when I can open myself up to everything that I was created to be."33:00 DANIEL: I've even heard female clients say... I wanna represent it correctly. I think it was, "I don't... " As they're starting to feel this arousal and this orgasm come on, I've heard a handful of them say, "I don't deserve this." It's very self-shaming language. I'm not exactly sure what they're experiencing as a female, and that... 'Cause I know for a lot of men is like, "Yes, we're creating that experience." So, what is this dynamic they're feeling?33:32 AMANDA: I talked about it a little bit in my last podcast, that we...33:37 DANIEL: Was that 77 or... Which podcast was that?33:39 AMANDA: 78, I think. We're told in the proclamation of the family that we're nurturers. We are responsible to nurture our husbands and our children, and we've turned that into, "We need to be self-sacrificing."33:52 DANIEL: That's the language they use. "It feels selfish to have an orgasm." [33:55] ____, yes.33:57 AMANDA: Yes. Yes. And so, they don't feel like they can have that for themselves, because if they do, then they aren't fulfilling their eternal role as a nurturer. And what I say is, "You need to nurture yourself first." Sex isn't about the culmination of a man having an orgasm. That is not what sex is about. And when it comes to sex, yes, you want to take care and nurture your spouse, but you need to make sure that you are taken care of and nurtured for yourself as well. You and your arousal and your feelings and your primary responsibility. It is not your spouse's responsibility to give you an orgasm, it is your responsibility to get yourself in a place where that can happen.34:40 DANIEL: Wonderfully said. And I'm gonna link the listeners to the specific podcast that I'm referencing, we're referencing, in this podcast. But tell me a little bit more about that. I think it was in the orgasm podcast, again, that learning yourself, even through masturbation, it's not just about stimulating your clitoris. Tell me, do you recall what I'm talking about? Tell the audience more about self-exploration, what's involved with that?35:06 AMANDA: Yeah. So many people think that orgasm is the end goal. And really, it's about connection, but it's also about pleasure. So really, understanding how you personally experience pleasure, that can probably get you to orgasm, but understanding your body... We have erogenous zones all over our body. I love that Friends episode. [chuckle] I don't know if you remember that, but I'm sure some of your listeners probably do. The seven erogenous zones. We have so many places on our body that can experience pleasure. And so, if we tune into our body and really understand how we personally experience pleasure, then we are much more able to have that experience and cultivate that within ourselves. Whether that's, we are understanding how we can touch ourselves, or how we can guide a partner to touch us. It doesn't have to be masturbation. You don't have to pleasure yourself to the point of orgasm. It's just understanding what feels good to you, and then, being able to replicate that, either with a partner or on your own.36:17 DANIEL: We refer to this as sensate focus therapy. Touching and even dragging your fingers across your skin, and just becoming present with yourself. And I really valued how you approached this topic in that podcast, and that you're even sharing with the audience. Consider things you haven't considered before, like anal stimulation. And that may seem dirty, but even that concept of it feeling dirty or not even considering is self-shaming and not really considering what your body can or should do or would like to do. You're silencing your body and not actually paying attention to it. And so, in this senate experience, touching yourself all over, your nipples, your anus, your vagina, your arms, everything.37:04 AMANDA: Everything.37:05 DANIEL: Discover what you like and how it resonates with your sexual self.37:10 AMANDA: Yeah, and so, I actually... And I couldn't offer this, and I'll give you a link to put in your show notes. I offer a free worksheet, a download, where it guides a woman through different body parts and how those body parts like to be touched. And it's just... I call it the roadmap to personal pleasure. Really figuring out what pleasure feels like for you. It can be done alone, it can be done with a partner, both, either. You can do whatever you want with it. It's just a guide to get you thinking and get you started.37:47 DANIEL: Amanda, I gotta have you back on, 'cause I would love to continue to poke and prod your knowledge, and I could go on for hours like this. Anything that you would like to... I think you shared a lot here, but anything you'd like to leave the audience with, before we wrap up?38:03 AMANDA: I would love for you guys to follow me on Instagram @amandaloudercoaching. My podcast is called Live From Love. That's what I believe this life should be, that if we live from a place of love, we're not only honoring ourself, but we're honoring everybody else around us, and that's the best place to be.38:20 DANIEL: Amanda, thank you, thank you so much for your time.38:23 AMANDA: You're so welcome, Daniel, thanks for having me.

In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Angilyn and Nate Bagley of the Mormon Marriages Podcast to talk about intimacy, sexuality and the meaning frames or "false traditions" that limit our relational and sexual development in marriage.

In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Angilyn and Nate Bagley of the Mormon Marriages Podcast to talk about intimacy, sexuality and the meaning frames or "false traditions" that limit our relational and sexual development in marriage. To hear more from Nate and Angilyn, visit them at www.mormonmarriages.com .To learn more about Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s work, visit our Website, check out our Course Page, and take a look at our upcoming Events.www. Finlayson-Fife.comThis episode was originally aired on February 5th 2018.

What if you want so much more, but you don’t even know where to start?Let’s see what Alma had to say about this:“But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.” -Alma 32:27In other words, if you’ve got a desire to have an awesome marriage, then you’ve already begun. The next step is to slap on those rubber gloves and protective goggles and start experimenting.experimentex·per·i·ment   ikˈsperəmənt noun: a course of action tentatively adopted without being sure of the eventual outcome.verb: try out new concepts or ways of doing things.My favorite part of this definition is, “without being sure of the eventual outcome.” Sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone and give something a try even if you have no idea what is going to come out of it. (See 1 Nephi 4:6-7)In this week’s episode of the podcast, we sat down with Celeste and Rich Davis from the Marriage Laboratory to talk about the importance of experimenting.

Brad Wilcox is a professor in the Department of Ancient Scripture at Brigham Young University where he also enjoys working with such programs as Especially for Youth, Women’s Conference, and Campus Education Week. He is the author of the book, The Continuous Atonement, and the BYU devotional, “His Grace is Sufficient.” Brad grew up in Provo, Utah except for childhood years spent in Ethiopia, Africa. He served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Chile and later returned to that country to preside over the Chile Santiago East Mission from 2003-2006. He and his family have also lived for a time in New Zealand and Spain where he directed study abroad programs for Brigham Young University. Brad has served as a member of the Sunday School General Board. He and his wife, Debi, have four children and six grandchildren. Reading, writing, teaching, and traveling are some of his favorite things. He loves Peanut M&M's and pepperoni pizza, but he realizes that doesn't sound too healthy so he is really trying hard to learn to love salads. 2:54 - Elder Faust asked Brad and Debbie Wilcox to be a model of a happy marriage to their missionaries3:45 - “Always go to the funeral”5:20 - We all want to make a difference in the world, but that starts with making a difference in your family6:00 - What Brad and Debbie are still learning after 35 years of marriage (lifelong learning, “empty nest” stage)7:50 - How Brad and Debbie met and fell in love11:00 - Things fell more into place when the pressure was off11:45 - First Kiss12:34 - Things progress more naturally in dating when there isn’t so much pressure13:45 - Sometimes things don’t just “fall into place” naturally when you meet the right person. It takes an intentional choice to give things a try. It takes vulnerability and risk.15:00 - The transition that happened when baby came along - they had to be more intentional in their marriage15:45 - The purpose of marriage is growth; the relationship matures over time17:15 - “Love isn’t two people looking madly at each other, love is two people looking in the same direction” The maturity and growth happens while working towards a common goal and purpose18:45 - The four “legs on a table” of a relationship (emotional/social, intellectual, spiritual, physical), and how strength comes in having a balance of all four.19:39 - the purpose of an engagement - strengthen the pillars of emotional/social, intellectual, and spiritual before adding in the physical helps to create a strong foundation21:50 - How each of the four pillars of a relationship help with the “hard work” of marriage23:55 - Intellectual - It’s not necessarily about sharing interests, but showing interest in the other person’s interests. Share your world with each other.25:55 - Emotional/social pillar27:00 - Spiritual pillar27:50/31:15 - It’s not always realistic to have scripture study and prayer together as a couple. As long as each individual working on their spirituality separately, that adds to the spiritual pillar of the relationship.29:15 - Simply being active in the church and having a temple recommend helps to be on the same page with core values29:30 - Fear of marriage in young people, and common causes of divorce30:20 - If you can live a certain way before marriage, it is a good indicator that you will be able to continue living that way after marriage (activity in the church, living within your means, etc).30:55 - The church alone can give a couple the spiritual connection the marriage needs.31:30 - Individual spiritual habits fulfill a need in our lives33:30 - Physical Pillar - men and women compliment each other with the emotional and physical sides of an intimate relationship.34:35 - “Choreplay”35:10 - Air traffic controllers vs Bowlers (landing airplanes vs knocking down the pins)37:25 - We’re meant to go together; we teach other to create a fuller and more meaningful experience37:50 - Different temptations for men and women38:10 - Avoidable mistakes of young couples41:30 - Problem solving vs listening41:45 - Asking for what you need instead of expecting your partner to “just know”42:45 - “You’re not allowed to complain about something you’ve never asked for”44:20 - Our society has taught us that asking for what we want is selfish - these leads to covert contracts. “My partner should just know what I need”46:00 - It’s easy to get discouraged, but just caring about making your marriage better shows that you are on the right track.46:30 - Satan will never have a marriage, and will never have a family. No wonder he is out to destroy our families.47:20 - “A problem identified, is a problem half-solved”48:20: - An example of real-life compromise

Setema Gali is a world-class coach, speaker, trainer, and author of the book Winning After the Game.He works with highly-committed individuals to identify the necessary required actions to create the kind of life they want.Setema is also a Super Bowl Champion, an invested and attentive husband, and a committed father.Check out his book Winning After The Game to learn how he's created a wealthy life after going bankrupt, losing everything, and even having to sell his Super Bowl Ring.4:16 How Setema met and pursued his wife6:25 They were best friends - he felt like he could not be without her8:50 How they deal with conflict. They have a clear purpose in creating a happy marriage, and they do what it takes to build one despite arguments or disagreements8:45 “I don’t want this. Let’s talk RIGHT NOW” Quickly overcome negativity, bitterness, anger, etc. Clean things up fast.10:55 Clarity is power. If you are really clear on what you want, it is simple and easy to know what needs to be done to get it.11:20 Believe it is possible to have an amazing marriage that works12:35 An apology does not have to be an admission of guilt, but an opportunity to heal your partner.12:50 You most often don’t hurt your partner on purpose, but it happens. Regardless of whether you meant it or not, it creates a gap in your relationship; a wound that needs to be healed.13:25 When his wife said something that hurt him, his instinct was to shut down and pull away. Because of the clear agreement they have to confront and resolve quickly, he talked with her about it soon after. She had no idea she had hurt him, but she apologized. They hugged, cried and expressed love to each other and the issue resolved.15:10 Ask for what you want and need15:45 The happiest couples have a “low negativity threshold”16:25 Live by agreements; not expectations. Be clear on your goals and purposes, but don’t hold your partner to perfection. This leaves room for being able to communicate your wants and desires.18:15 Don’t be afraid to confront your spouse when something isn’t right. Do it with love, kindness and integrity.18:50 If you ask couples what they really want in their marriage, few will be able to answer with a clear purpose.19:35 Having a clear purpose helps to create and intentional and deliberate way of life.20:20 Be committed to your dreams, goals, and visions. Focus on improving 1% each day.22:05 You can have whatever kind of marriage you want. The marriage that you currently have is the marriage that you’ve chosen to create (for good or for bad). If it’s not what you want, then choose to change and create it.23:00 Before having this type of conversation, set it up with an agreement and a clear purpose. “I want to have a conversation about how we can be better in our marriage, and I want you to be 100% open and honest with how you feel. Can you do that?”23:50 These types of conversations take practice, but the more you do it, the more natural and quickly they can occur.24:05 “What can I do better?”25:05 “What do you want or need [in the home, in our marriage, with finances, sex etc]”25:25 “What’s working?” “What’s not working?” “What’s missing?” “What’s next?”26:50 What do I want in my marriage, and what is required of me to get it?27:00 Effective communication is key28:45 “Where are you at right now?”29:05 Winning after the game31:05 Be clear about what you want, and then be committed to achieving it.31:35 Marriage is the most important thing for our country and for our world.31:40 A happy couple can teach their kids the model of a healthy relationship32:30 Wealth is beyond money32:55 Happy families and happy homes breed powerful people33:20 “Whatever you want, you can have. Whatever you have is your choice.”

IN THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF THE PODCAST WE TALK WITH JAKE AND KRISTIN HODSON ABOUT THEIR OWN KIND OF HERO’S JOURNEY.At the end of 2017, Jake and Kristin realized that they were living their lives in fast forward. With two successful careers, soccer practice, gymnastics, doctor’s appointments, church callings, family and friend duties, and more they felt like they were barely keeping their heads above water rather than being in control of their own lives.Jake mentioned the Three Deadly C’s that had a hold on their family:Consumption, Convenience, and Comfort.Jake and Kris have been married for 12 years and are parents to three wild things ages 10, 7, 4.  They've worked hard throughout the course of their marriage to become partners in parenting, professional pursuits, and personal passions which include travel adventures, surfing, yoga, snowboarding, and anything water related. Jake is a Certified Yoga Instructor and works full-time in the professional world of commercial real estate. Kris is a Certified Sex Therapist,  founder of The Healing Group, a mental health clinic in Salt Lake City, author Real Intimacy: A Couple's Guide to Genuine, Healthy Sexuality, and a regular speaker on sexual health. You can find more about them at TheTaoOfHodson.com

Tyler and Danelle Beckstrand met in a college math class at Utah State University (go Aggies!) They got married in 2011 and graduated together a few years later. The plan was to have babies right away but they found themselves dealing with unexplained infertility. After six years of trying to build their family, they decided adoption was their next step. In May 2019 they experienced their first failed adoption but came back more determined than ever!Although there are many unknowns in this journey, they are anxious, and ready, to give all their love to the lives that enter into theirs. They look forward to starting new family traditions and excitedly await all the giggles and smiles to come.

I'm so excited to have Nate Bagley on today's podcast. But before we dive right in, did you know that Drs. John and Julie Gottman are going to be in Utah in September to speak about “essential conversations for a lifetime of love?” This. Is. Huge. Whether you’re able to come to the event or not, I have Nate Bagley, founder of Utah Date Night and the Loveumentary podcast, here to talk about strengthening our marriages. We could talk about kids and parenting all day long, but we’ve all been told how vital it is to keep our marriage at the forefront of our priorities. I don’t know about you, but mine gets neglected all too often in the midst of the busyness of raising children. Nate Bagley teaches us about 3 simple “Rituals of Connection” for our marriages: The 6-second passionate kiss The weekly “State of Affairs” or “Marriage Meeting”  Connecting questions or power questions you can ask your partner every day that will make them feel loved and appreciated And don't forget to go to 3in30podcast.com/utahdatenight to get a ticket to see Drs. John and Julie Gottman speak AND meet me! I can't wait to give you a hug!   Show Notes See the Gottmans speak in Utah! 3in30podacst.com/utahdatenight for tickets and more information! Nate's website: Loveumentary.com  UtahDateNight.com What insight(s) from Nate Bagley did you like most? Share in a comment below!

Nate Bagley, the host of Loveumentary, interviewed me about…well, love. It’s not a sound bite; it’s a 45 deep dive into the essentials of love, marriage, and reconciliation. If you’re in a troubled marriage it’s a must listen.

In this episode Nate and Kyle finish the second part of their DOUBLE PODCAST PARTY in which they talk about what it really takes to make a great relationship. If you haven’t heard the first part - head on over to the Loveumentary Podcast on itunes. CLICK TO TWEET Nate’s Podcast! https://loveumentary.com/ Nate’s Website!https://www.first7years.com/ Nate’s Challenge for you!https://loveschool.first7years.com/p/legendary-love Kyle and Rachel’s Family Meeting! https://wrightwellnesscenter.com/family-meeting-2/ Nate’s Relationship Powow!https://www.first7years.com/blog/relationship-inventory   >> Download the Salt Lake Summer (Mocktail) drink recipe HERE!

Nate is a relationship researcher, creator of The Loveumentary Podcast, and the Legendary Love Challenge. His mission in life is to rid the world of mediocre love. Guiding Principle, Quote, or Mantra We do hard things. It’s the little things done often that make the difference. When You “Tripped up” in Partnership Nate shared a story that was quite recent. Being a relationship expert, he gets messages from women all the time asking different questions. This particular woman was asking for some advice and she said that her husband was being resentful of Nate and saying that he’ll never be Nate Bagley. Find out what happened next by listening to the episode. That “Duh” Moment in Partnership Nate did an interview with a couple a while back and they’ve become great friends. Nate wanted to find out what made their relationship so great. Before the interview they insisted on having Nate over for dinner. As they prepared the meal and got everything ready, Nate observed and wondered about the way they interacted. He felt they were a little over the top. Find out what was going on by listening to the episode. Your Proudest Moment in Partnership It’s always the little things for Nate, like when he’s feeling resentful and stressed, but turns things around and expresses gratitude instead. His mood shifts and then does something nice, like writing a love note to his wife on the bathroom mirror. It makes a difference to her and how he feels towards her. Best Relationship Advice You’ve Ever Received Be an action taker, not an insight chaser. Best Partnership Resource Passionate Marriage - David Schnarch The New Rules of Marriage - Terrence Real Interview Links - The Legendary Love Challenge Website His appearance of TEDx

On this episode of Saints Unscripted (formerly known as 3 Mormons), we got to talk to Nate Bagley about marriage. Nate Bagley runs multiple websites and podcasts including the Mormon Marriages website, utahdatenight.com, and the Loveumentary podcast. All in all, Nate knows A LOT about marriage and relationships so we had a BLAST talking with him about marriage tips, specially for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (otherwise known as Mormons). Nate specially talks about tips that you likely won't hear being taught in the restored church (otherwise known as the Mormon or LDS Church). Check out the podcast for all of his tips :) Wanna share your thoughts? Check us out on YouTube and leave a comment! Or shoot us a DM on Instagram. Thanks for listening :)

In today's episode you'll hear how closely sales relate to love and relationships, and how viewing it through that lens ensures that you end up with a healthy customer/client relationship in each and every sale. Today’s episode features guest hosts Nat Harward and Nate Bagley.

In this episode, relationship researcher Nate Bagley explains how a successful, awesome marriage needs to start with daily, real intent.

In today's episode you'll hear about using the entrepreneurs' pyramid of success to build a fundamentally sound and successful business, and how Nate Bagley combined the elements of the entrepreneurs' pyramid to host his event, Date Night, in Salt Lake City. Today's episode features guest hosts Nat Harward and Nate Bagley.

In today's episode you'll hear about the differences between insight seekers and action takers, and how to view your business's growth in the same light as growing a plant... with the right ingredients (and right attitude!), you'll be able to cultivate an ecosystem where good things happen. Today's episode features guest hosts Nat Harward and Nate Bagley.

Rabbi David Levinsky is Saidye Bromfman Rabbinical Chair at Temple Har Shalom in Park City, Utah. Nate Bagley is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Utah and host of the Loveumentary podcast, helping people create strong, lasting relationships. Both David and Nate are part of the OneAmerica movement – which seeks to build bridges and solve problems across the socially salient differences that divide us. They focus on bridging divides across religious difference.

Nate Bagley is an entrepreneur, speaker, and podcaster at Loveumentary.com. Nate has launched a series of events throughout Utah called "Date Nights" and is the founder of the 1% Club, designed to help couples deepen their relationships through positive communication and connection. Visit his website at Loveumentary.com and follow him on Instagram at @Loveumentary.

Guest Introduction: Nate Bagley is a relationship researcher on a mission to rid the world of mediocre love and help people create amazing relationships. He is the founder of The Loveumentary Podcast, as well as his blog, First 7 Years, and is the CEO and co-founder of Unbox Love. Nate is also offering a gift for listeners of this podcast! You can get access to it by visiting this link: https://www.first7years.com/gift Interview Summary: In this interview, Nate begins by describing his early struggles with dating and love. He talks about how he quit his job and started traveling around the country interviewing couples, and shares a story of one couple that stands out to him the most. Chris also discusses a recent breakup and some of his past struggles with relationships. Nate goes on to reference a recent Jordan Peterson talk that he attended, and summarizes his insights on self-awareness, vulnerability, and trust. We then ask Nate to discuss the qualities of couples that make their relationships stand out. He emphasizes the importance of dedication to personal growth, and prioritizing action over insights. He also explains how partners can get on the same page and implement these concepts. Nate then gives some examples of how he and his wife assess their relationship and make each other feel loved. He discusses additional qualities of great couples, including kindness, and shares a story of another memorable couple that he has interviewed. Next, Nate talks about how to develop healthy relationships, deal with difficult situations, and express kindness even when being emotional. Chris expands on navigating the line between presence and vulnerability, and how this affects the people around him as well as his emotions. Nate goes on to discuss the importance of focusing on the little things, and explains why great relationships are built on rituals. He gives some examples of rituals that he and his wife have created. He also reveals the connection between the ratio of positive to negative interactions and the health of a relationship. Chris and Nate then talk about doing AirBnB and share their thoughts on space and intimacy. Nate discusses the pervasiveness of loneliness, and how it negatively affects our health. He summarizes a book that he recently read called "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. He goes on to provide some more examples of rituals that he does with his wife and that he's seen in other couples. Nate offers strategies for resolving conflict, reigniting passion, and discussing finances. He also expands on the benefits of doing chores together. Finally, Nate discusses how to develop the skill of being intentional with your relationships. He talks about knowing and incorporating your values into your everyday life, and shares some of his most important values. Chris expands on his desire to nurture his sense of humor and playfulness, and Nate connects humor to the idea of telling the truth and feeling safe. Nate then highlights the keys to awesome relationships, and talks about what leads to trust and deep connection. Find out more about Nate: https://loveumentary.com https://www.first7years.com The Craft of Charisma Podcast is also available at: bit.ly/Soundcloud-CofC-Podcast bit.ly/Stitcher-CofC-Podcast bit.ly/iTunes-CofC-Podcast bit.ly/Spotify-CofC-Podcast bit.ly/GooglePlayMusic-CofC-Podcast bit.ly/iHeartRadio-CofC-Podcast

Want to bring more inspiration and success into your practice? Check out the Inspired Therapist Online Course! https://www.theinspiredtherapist.com/course Welcome to The Inspired Therapist Podcast with Leanne Peterson. Leanne helps therapists build successful careers and market their private practices while ensuring that they remain a source of inspiration to their own clients. Today Leanne welcomes special guest Nate Bagley to give us some insights into what it takes behind the scenes to build a movement! Nate is founder of First 7 Years and host of the Loveumentary Podcast. Learn how he managed a Kickstarter campaign, traveled the country to build his tribe, created a successful company around his desire to leave the world better than he found it and stayed positive amid the ups and downs. Head over to www.first7years.com/gift for Nate’s e-book: 100 Ways to Supercharge Your Relationship ebook. Thanks for tuning in for our episode today!

Nate is a relationship educator, speaker, writer, and researcher. His mission in life is to rid the world of mediocre love. He's a Gottman Trained Leader for the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work program, he's the creator of the Loveumentary Podcast, Unbox Love, The First 7 Years, and The 1% Club. Resources: 7 Day Legendary Love https://www.first7years.com/thanks-for-reading Connect with Nate: Facebook: http://facebook.com/loveumentary Instagram: @loveumentary Website: http://first7years.com

Relationships always involve disagreement, but does love always have to be a fight? Today we discuss Pat Benatar's hit "Love is a Battlefield." We give some therapy to the song and discuss tips on how to prepare to have hard conversations with your partner. We also interview and get conflict resolution tips from Nate Bagely, the creator of the long-running podcast Loveumentary. And, as always, Rich sings a more emotionally healthy version of the song. Don't miss it!

How do you connect with your client so they know you care? Marriage coach Nate Bagley breaks down the importance of empathy and genuine care for the client in the sales process. His expertise allows him to provide a unique perspective on what your client may see looking into your sales culture and how to fix it. If you're not naturally empathetic, this episode is a must for you to listen, take notes, and implement into your business and life.

is on a mission. A mission to rid the world of mediocre love. Today , CST meets with Nate to hear the lessons he has learned from powerful couples and professionals through his journey to improve love in relationships. Nate created the podcast, the 1% club, The First 7 Years, and couples' retreats in order to achieve his goal. Nate and Braxton explore the nuances that take relationships from mediocre to extraordinary. "People treat complete strangers with more Kindness dignity and respect than the person who is supposed to be the most important person in their life." Nate shared this quote with Braxton and it rings true for many couples. They talk about how to recommit and improve how you view and value your partner. Nate identifies patterns relationships experience, shame, vulnerability, complacency, communication skills, stories couples tell themselves, breaking cycles, emotional pain, pushing through hard times, gratitude and many other issues couples face which create barriers to experiencing extraordinary love. Nate has Braxton read his daily mantra to being a husband, partner, and future father. He shares some of his most memorable moments of interviewing couples with extraordinary love in their relationship and what actions they take to make it extraordinary. Take the challenge and start making small changes in your interactions with your partner to take your relationship from mediocre to extraordinary. The Loveumentary Podcast Nate's website   Nate Bagley's 1% Club The Gottman 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse Leave Birds and Bees an iTunes review Leave a Stitcher Review Birds and Bees Facebook Page Listen from our webpage  

Do you believe that you can have extraordinary love? Extraordinary relationships? We chat with Nate Bagley - a podcaster, entrepreneur, writer, TEDx speaker, teacher, and guy who loves his wife a lot and tries really hard to be the best husband in the world. He spends nearly every waking hour of his life trying to rid the world of mediocre love. He loves helping people create amazing relationships and is excited to share some of what he's learned with you! Whether you're in a romantic relationship or not - Nate's teaching, experience, and tips can be applied in almost any type of relationship. As a Dream Driver learning, studying, and practicing the core fundamentals of communication, trust, respect, and understanding will take you far along your journey.  Join in on the conversation on social (@dreamsindrive) and make sure to use the hashtag #dreamsindrive. Enjoy!Nate ON THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS: - What inspired Nate as a child - Why Nate quit his job to pursue his dreams - Getting over fear and doing it anyway - Learning how to love and culture's effect on it - The importance of knowing one's love languages - Why Nate believes love isn't a feeling or action - The skills you have to develop if you want to be great at love - The importance of creating and listening to your audience - What interviewing couples taught Nate about relationships - How working on his marriage helped Nate's business - Why punishing someone into submission is never going to work - The keys to building brand relationships & marketing effectively...and more! ENTER OUR GIVEAWAY OF THE WEEK: www.dreamsindrive.com/win SHOW NOTES: www.dreamsindrive.com/nate-bagley SHOP DREAMS IN DRIVE MERCHANDISE: www.dreamsindrive.com/shop RESOURCES MENTIONED: Nate's BRANDMAKERS interviewTy & Terri's Loveumentary EpisodeDavid & Gretchen Figge Loveumentary Episode BOOKS MENTIONED:The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence RealThe Passionate Marriage Leadership and Self-Deception JOIN OUR DREAM DRIVER FACEBOOK GROUP: http://www.dreamsindrive.com/facebook FIND NATE ON:Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/loveumentary Twitter: http://twitter.com/loveumentary Web: http://www.thefirst7years.com FIND RANA ON SOCIAL: Instagram: http://instagram.com/rainshineluv Twitter: http://twitter.com/rainshineluv FIND DREAMS IN DRIVE ON:Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/dreamsindrive Twitter: http://twitter.com/dreamsindrive Web: http://www.dreamsindrive.com JOIN THE #DREAMSINDRIVE COMMUNITY: http://www.dreamsindrive.com/JOIN

Nate Bagley, a source of information of what it takes to have an extraordinary relationship through his Loveumentary podcast, finds himself in the midst of a breakup with his fiancée and he is shattered. Nate had kept it a secret and now for the first time publicly shares what he went through and how he's used the experience to grow, become more compassionate, and eventually fall in love again. This is Nate's story.

For many couples, passion and intimacy (and sex!) change after you have children. Time, lack of sleep, and other factors impact the sex lives of post-children couples. Is this just a fact of life or can you still have a passion-filled life with your partner after having children? Join host DJ Waldow as he chat with Nate Bagley and Sarah Peck about a topic that impacts all couples, yet is rarely discussed.

Having a baby comes with some major gifts and some serious side effects. Today we're going to talk about what happens to your body and your libido after you pop out a human... and what to do if your body isn't responding the way you hoped and dreamed it would. Join The Loveumentary’s Season 3 hosts, Nate Bagley and Kristin Hodson (LCSW and AASECT certified sex therapist) as they talk about how you can create a fulfilling, exciting, and satisfying sex life… because you deserve it! We’re excited to have you join us and answer your questions. Sign up for Demystifying Desire with Early Bird Pricing:  Get the notes and a free handout for this episode here:  Get a free ebook from Kristin here:  Got a question for one of us, or for a future episode? Submit it here:  Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes:  Follow The Loveumentary on Facebook:  Contact Nate: nate@first7years.com Contact Kristin: 

There are tons of reasons couples avoid talking about sex. In this - the first episode of an entire season of podcast episodes dedicated to sex - we’re going to talk about how to talk about the thing we don’t talk about. Join The Loveumentary’s Season 3 hosts, Nate Bagley and Kristin Hodson (LCSW and certified sex therapist) as they talk about how you can create a fulfilling, exciting, and satisfying sex life… because you deserve it! We’re excited to have you join us and answer your questions. Get the notes and a free handout for this episode here:  Get a free ebook from Kristin here:  Got a question for one of us, or for a future episode? Submit it here:  Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes:  Follow The Loveumentary on Facebook:  Contact Nate: nate@first7years.com Contact Kristin: 

Nate Bagley is an entrepreneur, speaker, and podcaster who has generated nearly $500K in revenue, has raised $30K on Kickstarter, and whose podcast has generated nearly a half million downloads. In today's episode you'll hear about his strategy for launching his latest business, and avoid the common mistakes that newer entrepreneurs make when they tell themselves they're becoming an entrepreneur.

Dating can be this overly-complicated, painful, confusing, ungrounded, whirlwind. Honestly, it can feel really hopeless at times. In this episode we talk with our experts about how to make this process less of a clusterf#ck and navigate the dating world with a fresh perspective. This episode's experts are: Nate Bagley, creator of The Loveumentary and The First Seven Years Eve Peters, founder and CEO of Whim Lily Sun, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco Credits Written & Produced by: Lily Sloane + Jessica Brown Theme Song: "Maruumba" by Topher M. Lewis Credits Song: "Blimp" by Louis Cole Opening Poem: "Admit Something" by Hafiz, recited by Eve Peters Additional Music + Sound Design by: Lily Sloane Featured Clip: "The Timing is Everything" Edition on Dear Prudence, with Andrea Silenzi Episode Image: "Have Your Awkward Tinder Dates Here" by Chris Goldberg via Flickr Creative Commons Special thanks to the strangers at the bar for talking to us The Woods Bar and Brewery and Lost and Found Beer Garden for letting us hang out for a bit.

Nate Bagley is the creator of The Loveumentary and a founder of Unbox Love. He loves helping people create amazing love in their lives. He loves hearing from his readers. You can reach him at www.loveumentary.com. Topics: Nate’s journey from a 13 year old boy with deep, disabling shame to a 32 year old man […]

True love exists...you just have to listen

What can I do right in love? That's the question Nate Bagley asked himself before he embarked on the Loveumentary project, where he has interviewed over 70 couples who are in functioning relationships. We talk about what it takes, delicate balances and ridding ourselves from unhelpful relationship beliefs. For more episodes visit http://strengthsphoenix.com/listen

Conozca ‘Loveumentary', la prueba de que el amor verdadero sí existe: Nate Bagley, CEO de Unbox, pasó por los micrófonos de La Nube de Blu Radio... See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Nate Bagley, CEO de Unbox, pasó por los micrófonos de La Nube de Blu Radio para hablar sobre ‘Loveumentary', una particular propuesta con la que... See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Nate Bagley is the creator of The Loveumentary, a project dedicated to revealing what truly happy, healthy relationships have in common. He's traveled all over the united states and spoken with hundreds of couples to learn what makes their relationships so incredible. He shares those insights via his blog and podcast which can be found at loveumentary.com. Nate also recently co-founded Unbox Love, a subscription service that delivers a date-in-a-box to your doorstep every month. Unbox Love is designed to provide couples with everything they need to experience fun, creative, and engaging dates with little to no planning on their part. Nate is dedicated to helping people learn about love and improve their relationships regardless of the stage of life they're in. He believes that the key to happiness is to choose what you love, then love what you choose. Thanks for tuning in!  - David Benjamin  HealthyWildAndFree.com 

[Listen on iTunes] NATE BAGLEY is a Love Expert who has interviewed hundreds of the happiest couples in the US. He is the creator of The Loveumentary and Unbox Love and he has dedicated his life to showing the world that there is no limit to the amount of intimacy and connection that’s available within our relationships. In this episode we discuss: Creating the relationship of your dreams (especially if you’re already in one). The one thing that will sabotage a relationship faster than anything else. The 3 steps to creating a relationship that only gets better with time. Why accepting influence from your partner allows your relationship to not only last, but flourish. Why emotionally intelligent men experience deeper connection with their partner. How the simple practice of meditation can save your relationship. Quote of the episode: "The beauty of love is that there is no such thing as perfect love. There is always, always, always room for improvement. There is always something you can do differently or better. You can be more present, more attentive. You can be more connected or more vulnerable. You can implement new traditions or new ways of connecting physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. There’s always something that can be worked on." Resources from this episode: LoveCon Unbox Love The Loveumentary Ty and Terri on The Lovementary Esther Perel's TED talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship Dr. John Gottman Calm.com

Episode 2. Boom. It only took 2 episodes to get a 30-year old, single Mormon living in Salt Lake City, Utah to talk about his passion: Love (of course). I met Nate Bagley in 2010 when we were living in the 801 (Salt Lake City). We were connected via social media and even sat on a panel together at a University of Utah Business School event ... talking about social media. We've stayed in touch over the years via social media* (since my family and I moved to California 2 years ago). *See? Social media can be a great connector! I was thrilled to learn about Nate's Loveumentary project and - as the title of the post and the image on the right indicate - his passion: LOVE. During this episode ... Nate talks about what he learned on his cross-country journey to find the "true meaning of love." Nate tells us about the "voice in his head." I (again) share that this podcast is helping me uncover what my passion is - Ha! Nate shares some details about how he was able to quit his job and live for months on not a lot of money! (days when he hit $0 in his bank account) Nate talks about the "key to happiness" in LIFE! Nate discloses that he is not REALLY an expert on love ... instead, an anti-expert. More About Nate According to Nate "BigBags" Bagley's Twitter bio, he's a ... Mover. Shaker. Decision maker. Fighter. Writer. Making your day brighter. Creator of @Loveumentary, CEO of @unboxlove, and giver of hugs. Links Discussed In This Episode The Loveumentary Nate's (successful) Kickstarter campaign: America, In Love. Connect with Nate on social media - Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Unbox Love

If it was just the genes talking we'd have serial marriages lasting on average four or five years, and we'd cheat on each other every chance we got.  ~Dr. Keith Witt Apparently we're kind of clueless about intimate attachment in general. According to Dr. Keith we aggrandize romantic love, we're afraid of sexual lust and we have no idea about long-term attachment. We mix them all up, basically. Ninety percent of the people and couples that come to Keith for help present with a problem in their marriage or primary partnership. That tells us a couple things. One, like many other mammals we're drawn to pair bond. Most people who are allowed to get married, do. And two, it tells us that marriage is challenging and most of us need some help to learn how to do it well. So why aren't we taught how to do it? Probably because your marriage is not your parent's marriage. It's not even the marriage that you had yesterday. As cultures change marriages must change with them, so a successful marriage fifty years ago is not the same as a successful marriage today. I've noticed that the marriages of my parents, my friends, and my friend’s children are all very different. Keith says when you get married you're not just signing up for one marriage, you're signing up for many marriages. It's going to change from romantic infatuation to intimate bonding, to living together, to having children. It'll change through family, through aging bodies and changing endocrine systems. Each one of those changes is associated with new structures of consciousness around how you hold yourself in the marriage, and how you hold your partner. What makes marriage so challenging is that the relationship needs to be successfully reorganized, consistently, by both people in order to keep working. Despite the constant change, studies have shown us there are specific characteristics present in successful, happy relationships. Author and researcher Nate Bagley found the following things in common: The individuals were dedicated to self care They were committed to helping each other get through anything They trusted each other They had intentionality. They didn't take their love for granted. They did something everyday to show love for each other There is always going to be conflict though, and couples that want to be together for the long term have to know how to navigate it. Keith says there are a lot of factors, but Bagley discovered a few very important ones: Couples that stay together don't fight to win, they fight to resolve the conflict. They focus on trying to understand each other and lastly, they really try to be nice to each other. Imagine that! Being nice… There is a way to love. If two people want to get there and they're willing to take care of themselves and change, they can find a way through to love again and again and again. That's really the bottom line. If you want to take it down to just one thing, the evolution of consciousness is just getting better and better at finding our way through to love.  ~Dr. Keith Witt When it comes down to brass tacks, couples that can down-regulate anger and up-regulate the positive emotions are ones that are destined for the long term. Easier said than done. Of course, if you have stable access to 2nd tier consciousness then you're really ahead of the game. People operating at the teal altitude can observe structures of consciousness in themselves and their partners, and as we know from studying development, mindful self-observation accelerates development which gives us response flexibility. In relationship, when you are responding to your partner, to their happiness and suffering, you are definitely accelerating your development. Keith says he’s never seen this researched the way that meditation and other practices have been researched (yet!) but he’s found it to be true in his own life. The relationship itself becomes a container for the updraft of development in both the partners. How inspiring!

His growing feelings of cynicism and frustration with love, led Nate Bagley on a search for answers to the questions of what what true love really is, and how to attain it. The search resulted in conversations with people who were experiencing these things on a daily basis and the start of what became known as the “Lovumentary” How failing in relationships caused Nate to start searching for answersThe importance of learning to act on your insatiable curiosityWhy Nate's worst-case scenario actually caused hint o be happyHow being average is more competitive than being extraordinary The fear of being the person who loves the most in a relationships Why not settling for average is an important quality in your life Lessons learned from the relationships that didn't work out The lack of roles models in the world for health loving relationshipsWhy there is on no formula for true love A look at the secrets of some incredibly happy couples The willingness to put yourself second in a relationship Why you must love yourself before anybody else doesA incredible story about a man who was single at the age of 52How to sustain the “honeymoon” phase in your relationshipNate Bagley is a mover, shaker, decision maker and fighter. He's also the creator of The Lovumentary See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.