Podcasts about love addicts

Caitlin Cannon is a powerhouse singer, songwriter, actor, and comedian. Her new record Love Addict is chock full of bangers that grabbed me on the first listen. It's got country in it with some psychedelica. The album is a sonic and lyrical journey that pushes the envelope.  On some episodes, you really connect with the guest. I feel like this is one of those episodes. Everyone, it is my honor to bring you, my conversation with Caitlin Cannon. The song you are hearing in this episode is "Love Addict" from Caitlin's album of the same name.  Listen on: Spotify- https://open.spotify.com/episode/5nuvJFFlIwlRtc85MUWT20?si=430ead04bbd8431d Apple Podcasts- https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-marinade-with-jason-earle/id1281080492?i=1000709074854 YouTube- https://youtu.be/PNdPEbKAwKs?si=U4Gpzx0as3x_LTjn    

Lieve vrienden,    Na de ontluikende banger van vorige week, is het vandaag tijd voor een wat zachter, maar niet minder belangrijk gesprek. Onze gast is ongetwijfeld voor de meesten al een bekende: Lars Faber is namelijk al DRIE keer eerder in de podcast verschenen. Hij is breathwork en codependency coach en auteur. Maar bovenal is hij een man die zich jarenlang met hart en ziel heeft gewijd aan innerlijk werk, relatieheling en het doorbreken van generaties oude patronen.   Dit gesprek zou elke (jonge) ouder moeten luisteren.

Spin to Win! Get exclusive discounts on PDS membership. Limited-time offer—don't miss out! https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/spin-the-wheel?utm_source=podcast&utm_campaign=spin-the-wheel&utm_medium=organic&el=podcast   Why are anxious and dismissive partners so magnetically drawn to each other—and yet so often stuck in pain? In this powerful episode of The Thais Gibson Podcast, Thais explores the intense emotional dynamic between the “love addict” (anxious attachment) and “love avoidant” (dismissive attachment). Learn how their core wounds, unmet needs, and subconscious patterns both clash and intertwine—and most importantly, how each can heal independently and together.   What You'll Learn in This Episode: ✔️ Why anxious and dismissive styles are subconsciously drawn to each other ✔️ How unmet emotional needs in childhood fuel anxious clinging or avoidant withdrawal ✔️ Why the dismissive avoidant craves space while the anxious needs closeness ✔️ How this dynamic leads to painful push-pull cycles and mutual frustration ✔️ Practical tools for both partners to heal: anxious self-soothing & avoidant vulnerability ✔️ What each style must do individually to change the relationship together   If you've ever felt stuck in an “on again, off again” dynamic—or feel like you're giving too much or shutting down too fast—this episode is your roadmap to healing and connection.   Meet Your Host: Thais Gibson is the founder of The Personal Development School, best-selling author, and a globally recognized expert in attachment theory and subconscious healing. With a Ph.D. and over a decade of experience, she's helped over 70,000 people transform their relationships and emotional patterns from the inside out. Helpful Resources:

"It's one of the things that people in both films and books woefully underestimate—the amount of time and effort. We can write a screenplay that's fantastic, we can write a book that's amazing, but that's just a third of it. Getting it out there to the world is a whole different thing." – Autumn KarenToday's featured author is a mom, ghostwriter, poet, professor, filmmaker, award-winning journalist, "Writer of Vibes", and the founder of Medusa's Gaze Films, Autumn Karen. Autumn and I had a fun on a bun chat about her books, her journey from a challenging upbringing to becoming a successful ghostwriter and filmmaker, and more!!!Key Things You'll Learn:What got Autumn into ghostwritingHow Autumn balances inhabiting other voices while maintaining her creative integrityHow a person's life experiences shape their storytellingHow she juggles both fiction and nonfiction writingWhy it's crucial for authors to promote their projects activelyWhy she believes that human creativity will always have the upper hand when it comes to AIAutumn's Site: https://www.autumnkaren.com/Autumn's Books: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B0DVKLCHRV/allbooksThe opening track is titled, "Set Sail" by Sparks Dynamite. To listen to and download the full track, click the following link. https://planetastroproductions.bandcamp.com/track/set-sail-intro Please support today's podcast to keep this content coming! CashApp: $DomBrightmonDonate on PayPal: @DBrightmonBuy Me a Coffee: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/dombrightmonGet Going North T-Shirts, Stickers, and More: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/dom-brightmonThe Going North Advancement Compass: https://a.co/d/bA9awotYou May Also Like…279 – “Peak Performance Ghostwriting” with Kathrin Hutson (@ExquisitelyDark): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/279-peak-performance-ghostwriting-with-kathrin-hutson-exquisitelydark/173 - "The God Groove" with David Ritz (@davidritz): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/173-the-god-groove-with-david-ritz-davidritz/Ep. 821 – How to Spark Your Curiosity & Live Bravely with Heather Vickery: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-821-how-to-spark-your-curiosity-live-bravely-with-heather-vickery/Ep. 896 – From Mind to Manuscript with Maggie Mills (@takemaggiesword): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-896-from-mind-to-manuscript-with-maggie-mills-takemaggiesword/Ep. 807 – Inside The Mind of The Author Activist with Dawn Bates (@msdawnbates33): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-807-inside-the-mind-of-the-author-activist-with-dawn-bates-msdawnbates33/Ep. 472 – “From Academia to Entrepreneurship” with Dr. Emily Crookston (@EMCrookston): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-472-from-academia-to-entrepreneurship-with-dr-emily-crookston-emcrookston/Ep. 442 – “Jungle Jean” with Geralyn Gendreau (@geralyngendreau): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-442-jungle-jean-with-geralyn-gendreau-geralyngendreau/Ep. 459 – “Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict” with Brianne Davis (@TheBrianneDavis): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-459-secret-life-of-a-hollywood-sex-love-addict-with-brianne-davis-thebriannedavis/18 - "Inspirational Stuff" with Amy Brooks (@AmyReneeBrooks): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/18-inspirational-stuff-with-amy-brooks-amyreneebrooks/Ep. 668 – “The Art & Business of Bringing Other People's Stories to Life” with Amelia Forczak: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-668-the-art-business-of-bringing-other-peoples-stories-to-life-with-amelia-forczak/Ep. 712 – When Your Heart Says to Leave a Legacy with Bridget Cook-Burch (@inspiritwriter): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-712-when-your-heart-says-to-leave-a-legacy-with-bridget-cook-burch-inspiritwriter/Ep. 920 – The Surprisingly Simple Art of Getting It Done with Sam Bennett (@realsambennett): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-920-the-surprisingly-simple-art-of-getting-it-done-with-sam-bennett-realsambennett/

From hip jeans to crazy stories to cults to dopamine hits, you don't want to miss this gem from the Special Ladies. Also, Stefanie joined the Hare Krishnas, no judgement. 

Uncover the surprising truth about your relationship patterns! Are you a love addict or avoidant in relationships? Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards a healthier and more fulfilling love life. In this video, I'll explore the common signs and symptoms of love addiction and love avoidance and provide you with practical tips to overcome t

The episode you have been waiting for is finally here!! Confessions of a Love Addict is my vulnerable and real account of things I have done as a former Love Addict. In this episode we discuss: What is love addiction and how does it show up in your life. Examples of things I have done throughout my life as a love addict. 4 ways to overcome love addiction to start moving forward in your life. This episode has been a long time coming, and took a lot of courage to finally record this and put it out into the world. PLEASE NOTE: There is a trigger warning with this episode because of discussions of abusive relationships and domestic violence. If you have been through something similar and are ready to take the step towards healing, please contact me. I am taking 1:1 clients right now and would love to support you on your journey. Click HERE for more info. Worthy AF is open for enrollment. We start January 6th. Click HERE to join! Follow me on social media @theheather_nicole.

Today we sit down with Heather Cronemiller, CSAT, to discuss her book Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love and Sex Addiction. Written alongside Lacey Bentley and Eddie Caprucci, this groundbreaking book explores the connection between sex and love addiction and unresolved childhood trauma. In this episode, we dive deep into the nuances of love and sex addiction, particularly from a female perspective, and explore how inner child work can play a significant role in healing. Cronemiller shares her expertise and experience, shedding light on how addiction often stems from unmet emotional needs during childhood and how this affects relationships and recovery. If you've ever wondered about the connection between inner child trauma and addictive behaviors, this episode is for you. Join us as we discuss real-life examples, the complexities of emotional affairs, and provide insight into the recovery process for women struggling with love and sex addiction.

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreLove Addiction is often a response to Insecure Attachment. It looks like it is about sex and chasing sexual outlets, but it isn't really about sex - as the core desire.It is an attempt to gain a sense of 'being wanted', 'being a part of...','accepted', 'owned', 'wanted', 'secure', 'held', 'needed', 'wanted', 'safe', 'protected', 'belonging', The class clown will play up to that carved out role, because of a recognition that they get laughs. Through the back door, laughs gives a temporary sense of being a part of the group - where life mostly is a sense of not belonging, excluded, rejected, not acceptable.Any attention is better than no attention. The crumbs off the table is better than nothing.Friends looking on in frustration and annoyance at the behaviours - self, observing own behaviours - adds to the self-deprecation. The Addict is frustrated. Logic evades them all. The behaviours make no sense. The costs and repercussions from doing the behaviours, make no sense; don't add up.The repetition, the risk taking, the boundary crossing, the trashing own Values and trespassing beyond own comfort levels - makes no logically sense."Why do I do the things which I don't want to do and not do the things which I ought to do?"Let the Kairos Centre come alongside you to reclaim your quality of living life - without shame - bringing colour back to life.Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentreWant to know more? Click the link and come get me.Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpDiscover the real, authentic you - without shame.The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; discover the real, authentic you. www.kairos-centre.com or email info@kairos-centre.comNow launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Root Causes | Brain Impact | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Family Conflict | Emotional Neglect | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Pain | Dissociation| Recovery Program | EMDR Therapy | Emotional Event | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | Sex Addiction Recovery Program | Compulsive Behaviors | Intimacy Issues | Sexual Dysfunction | Obsessive Thoughts | Guilt | Infidelity | Traumatic Bonding | Objectification | Hypersexualization | Pornography Industry | Love Addiction Patterns | Attachment Styles | Sexual Compulsivity | Behavioral Therapy | Relapse Prevention | Emotional Regulation | Healing Journeys | Intimacy Building |

Today, Carol the Coach interviews Kimberly Litton, who is the author of I Do It for Her: A Memoir of Recovery and Redemption from Sex, Love and Substances. This book is a vulnerable, yet insightful look into the world of a Female Sex and Love Addict. This memoir delves into painful truths and healing experiences while giving the reader steps to recover. Litton guides the reader through her trauma, various forms of unhealthy coping skills, then ultimately and gracefully provides hope, healing and forgiveness. This book is about resilience, perseverance, self-love, and freedom from addictions. She has a wealth of experience. Kimberly Litton LCSW, CSAT is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. She has a private practice, both virtual and in-person in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. Kim is the author of “I Do it For Her”: A memoir of a Woman's Healing Journey from sex and love addiction”.  She also serves on the Women's Panel for IITAP (International Institute of Trauma and Addiction), educating professionals on Female Sex and Love Addiction. She has an extensive history of treating women with alcoholism, addiction, eating disorders and sex addiction. Along with her intuitive talent, Kim has an infectious passion for women's recovery. She's dedicated in her own journey of growing, uncovering the many layers of her personal addiction, intimacy and relational problems and codependency. She relates to women on a very human level. Her authentic approach as a clinician is vulnerable enough to be relatable to her clients while exhibiting profound knowledge and tools to integrate a powerful treatment experience.  

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThe Insecure 'ATTACHMENT' label does not describe accurately, what is really in the can with this label on it! It is exactly the opposite. It typically is set up in the early childhood development years. Often, they are experiences which you can't readily or easily access; but your brain remembers them well and put an identification label/marker on each of them, as and when they occurred.You cannot necessarily find or access them or the details about them. The brain does it's job well and blots them out from you finding them, so that you do not have a nervous breakdown.They have been put in boxes. Nailed down and labels attached saying "DO NOT OPEN. We do not lift the lid off these boxes. They contain uncomfortable stuff. They are stored in this area of the brain, to help you get through life without them (too frequently) causing disruption".They are filed in certain parts of your brain, which are not easily accessible without the right password, situation and environment. They can be prematurely triggered out in situations like watching a Netflix movie. (We need to be balanced in our advertising of Netflix and so add.... Amazon Prime, BBC player, Apple TV, a box set etc!).EMDR beckons folks. Out of sight is not out of mind - entirely.Let the Kairos Centre come alongside you to reclaim your quality of living life - without shame - bringing colour back to life.Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentreGet the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.comNow launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Root Causes | Brain Impact | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Family Conflict | Emotional Neglect | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Pain | Dissociation| Recovery Program | EMDR Therapy | Emotional Event | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | Sex Addiction Recovery Program | Compulsive Behaviors | Intimacy Issues | Sexual Dysfunction | Obsessive Thoughts | Guilt | Infidelity | Traumatic Bonding | Objectification | Hypersexualization | Pornography Industry | Love Addiction Patterns | Attachment Styles | Sexual Compulsivity | Behavioral Therapy | Relapse Prevention | Emotional Regulation | Healing Journeys | Intim

In this episode of Narcissist Apocalypse Q&A, Brandon talks with Jodi White (Psychotherapist & Love Addiction Specialist) about the causes, signs, and cycles of love addiction. Plus they discuss, boundaries, love avoidance, codependency, romantic comedies, fairy tales, and much more. Jodi White's website can be found by clicking here. Jodi White's podcast 'Journals of a Love Addict' can be found by clicking here. If you want to be a guest on our survivor story podcast, please click here or send us an email at narcissistapocalypse@gmail.com To help out our podcast, please fill out our listener survey, click here. To listen to our abuser types episode - click here. PODCAST RECOMMENDATIONS: Perfect Prey With Dr. Christine Cocchiola | Click Here The Covert Narcissism Podcast | Click Here Something Was Wrong | Click Here When Dating Hurts Podcast | Click Here If you or someone you know are experiencing abuse, you are not alone. DomesticShelters.org offers an extensive library of articles and resources that can help you make sense of what you're experiencing, connect you with local resources and find ways to heal and move forward. Visit www.domesticshelters.org to access this free resource.  If you need help moving due to domestic violence, Shelter Movers may be able to help you. They operate by referral. Clients may be referred by any person of authority (social worker, doctor, police, crisis counselor, teacher, etc.) or public agency (shelter, hospital, school, workplace, place of worship, sexual assault centre, etc.).  To reach them, click here. Join our new Community Social Network at https://community.narcissistapocalypse.com/ Join our Instagram Channel at https://www.instagram.com/narcissistapocalypse Join our Youtube Channel at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpTIgjTqVJa4caNWMIAJllA Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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They Say Energy Drinks Might Make You Go Bald, Best Jobs Regardless of Salaries, Truth About Teacher Salaries In Florida, Word Connections, Dennys or Animal, Song Summaries by Chat GPT, Love Addicts, Am I The Jerk and Do It Bitch! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to part two of our Substance Use Disorder (SUD) Discussion with Leah Young where we focus on the proactive steps you can take to find recovery from a SUD. Today's episode is all about what to do once you realize you have a problem with substances or addictive behaviors. We'll discuss topics like: Different strategies for ending destructive behaviors spanning from abstinence to harm reduction How to develop boundaries to enable healthier behaviors Easy ways to measure the success of your approach If you missed our last episode, you can easily find it in your podcast feed or by clicking the link in the show notes below. You don't necessarily need to listen to Part 1 to understand Part 2. However, you may want to pull it up if you are trying to figure out whether or not you have a substance use issue. Resources: Brief video overview about Substance Use Disorders from the Center for Disease Control: Click Here Infographic: 2022 Survey on Drug Use and Health - Click Here Book: Sober Curious by Ruby Warrington - Click Here Podcast: Sober Curious with Ruby Warrington - Click Here Mental Note Podcast: www.mentalnotepodcast.com Pathlight Mood & Anxiety Center: www.pathlightbh.com  Eating Recovery Center: www.eatingrecoverycenter.com  Free Group Support: https://www.pathlightbh.com/support-groups  Free Evaluation with a Trained Therapist:  (877) 850-7199  Nearly all substances and many addictive behaviors have 12-step meetings. Below are some examples, but you can search online for the national and local chapters nearest you.  www.aa.org www.marijuana-anonymous.org www.thesira.org - Self Harm www.slaafws.org & www.slaa4poc.neocities.org - Sex and Love Addicts www.recoverydharma.org www.smartrecovery.org www.celebraterecovery.com www.lifering.org www.moderation.org Plus many others that may not be as well known, available, and/or regional 

Book your free intro call for The Inspired Love Program here.   Click Here to activate your FREE TRIAL of the Aura App   Order RYSE Matcha and Adaptogenic products here.  Use code SHANEK15 to save 15% on your order.      Love addiction is extremely common and pervasive.    While addictions like drugs or alcohol are often clearly seen as destructive and people are encouraged to quit or not engage in the first place, the same cannot be said for love addiction.  We are often encouraged to fuel our love addiction and societal pressure from friends and family can often exacerbate the issue.   Furthermore, because of how common it is and it's perceived normalcy, there's virtually no help in diagnosing it and very little support available for those who suffer from it.    Despite that, millions of us have such a destructive relationship with love and dating that it literally ruins our lives and at a minimum, it steals our peace and stresses us out while limiting the true connections we're able to make.   In this episode, Shane breaks down the phenomenon of love addiction in exquisite detail while showing you how to diagnose yourself and giving you practical steps to heal if you feel this is you.   

[TW//references to suicide] Love addiction is as a very serious issue with far-reaching consequences. It can lead to broken relationships, career setbacks, parenting challenges, financial difficulties, legal troubles, and health risks like STDs. In extreme cases, it can escalate to tragic outcomes such as stalking, domestic violence, suicide or murder. Today's guest is Darren, a multi-talented creative who identifies as a love avoidant/fantasy addict. For anyone curious about what love addiction is and if it applies to them - this is the podcast for you! Five years ago, following a break up, Darren contemplated taking his life but has since completely turned his life around with the help of fellowship & therapy and he helps others do the same! Huge thanks to Darren for being so honest so that we can break down the stigma and unpack the finer details around these important topics. I know so many people will identify with your experience and journey ❤️ More on Darren - Darren is a writer, producer, actor and director. An award winning film & theatre maker and in 2017 he was nominated for an Olivier Award for the opera La bohème at the former Trafalgar Studios and won an Off West End Award for Doubt, A Parable at Southwark Playhouse with a further 14 nominations in other theatre works. His debut film as writer & director Blueberry Smoothie won the New York Award for Best Short LGBTQ+ and for his performance in Blueberry Smoothie he won best Performance at the LGBTQ+ Toronto Film Festival 2023. Topics - 0:00 Intro 2:45 Darren's rock bottom & starting recovery 5:45 What does 'acting out' mean to Darren? 9:38 Why loneliness kills 13:35 The power of step 4 18:35 How did Darren learn he is a love avoidant fantasy addict? 23:35 The emotional pain from Sex & Love addiction & how SLAA works 27:15 Your brain on sex & love 28:10 What is love addiction for some people? 30:35 Finding a sponsor in SLAA 33:55 Using fantasy as a creative 35:50 The benefits of recovery 39:10 How to be 'present'? 42:30 Ongoing maintenance 45:15 Why are so many creatives suffering? For anyone struggling with these topics Darren suggests reaching out to - SLAA - https://slaauk.org This Podcast is not for profit but my goal is to break even. To help me make more please donate here. Thank you! https://bit.ly/3kSucAs Follow Darren Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/creativedazzle Podcast - https://theatreaudiencepodcast.com/ Follow Oliver Instagram - https://bit.ly/3IemHLY Facebook - http://bit.ly/3w8S1Gx TikTok - https://bit.ly/3YGLsYm LinkedIn - http://bit.ly/3kp4ymC Threads - https://bit.ly/3svw7yL X - http://bit.ly/3GQYj2l Listen or watch on: (please subscribe/follow & rate/review) Spotify - https://bit.ly/3QsOSf5 YouTube - https://bit.ly/4a3ajKK Apple - https://apple.co/3PajZvQ

In our next two episodes, we will explore a disorder affecting nearly one in five Americans - Substance Use Disorder (SUD). From knowing when your patterns are problematic, to building new neural pathways, to measuring success - we want to dig deep. And we've got the incredible expertise of Leah Young to show us why there's so much reason for hope when dealing with addictive behaviors and substances. You can think of today's podcast as Substance Use Disorder 101. It answers the questions, “How do you know if your use of alcohol or drugs is a problem?” and “Are you exhibiting problematic addictive behaviors?” We will cover topics like Early warning signs Denial Sober curiosity Next steps for getting support.
 Our second episode will examine recovery models for SUD - abstinence, moderation, and harm reduction - and how to know what works for you. Resources: Brief video overview about Substance Use Disorders from the Center for Disease Control: Click Here Infographic: 2022 Survey on Drug Use and Health - Click Here Book: Sober Curious by Ruby Warrington - Click Here Podcast: Sober Curious with Ruby Warrington - Click Here Mental Note Podcast: www.mentalnotepodcast.com Pathlight Mood & Anxiety Center: www.pathlightbh.com  Eating Recovery Center: www.eatingrecoverycenter.com  Free Group Support: https://www.pathlightbh.com/support-groups  Free Evaluation with a Trained Therapist:  (877) 850-7199  Nearly all substances and many addictive behaviors have 12-step meetings. Below are some examples, but you can search online for the national and local chapters nearest you.  www.aa.org www.marijuana-anonymous.org www.thesira.org - Self Harm www.slaafws.org & www.slaa4poc.neocities.org - Sex and Love Addicts www.recoverydharma.org www.smartrecovery.org www.celebraterecovery.com www.lifering.org www.moderation.org Plus many others that may not be as well known, available, and/or regional 

Relationship is one of the biggest areas of struggle for HSP and Empaths, and this week's episode shines light on a very common issue that can often fly under the radar; Love Addiction. Do you put your partner on a pedestal or overvalue them? Do you neglect yourself in your relationship? Do you seek unconditional love in your relationship? And if you don't get it, does that mean you feel like you're not loved or lovable? If any of this sounds at all familiar, you won't want to miss this week's episode with Jodi White, a licensed therapist, coach and podcaster specializing in love addiction and supporting women in recovery from this often misunderstood attachment injury. Jodi discusses her own history with love addiction on her podcast, Journals of a Love Addict, where she shares relatable personal stories, as well as conversations with experts and others who get it. You can connect with Jodi on her website. And here is the book on Boundaries, by Julianne Taylor Shore mentioned in the episode. Please follow, like, and review the Sensitive Collective Podcast so that more Sensitives like you can find the support they are searching for!

In this episode of the Love Addicts podcast, our host Kayla delves into the complex and often misunderstood world of sexual trauma.

This episode Cyrkle B is back!! It's Season 2 of Love Addict the podcast with Cyrkle B. and the revamp of the podcast is on! Cyrkle chops it up with Jay on all things from Beyoncé to Taylor Swift to Megan Thee Stallion to Nikki Haley strap up your seat belts and get ready for an epic season two; come on in and sit down a spell, we got some things to talk about!Like. Share. Subscribe.Email me feedback or topics for discussion at theloveaddictguru@gmail.comOrder your copy of #LOVEADDICT | A Memoir at my website: https://www.theloveaddict.org/Website: Love Addict the podcast with Cyrkle B.

Hey girl,In today's episode, we'll explore the world of love addiction, led by renowned coach Shena from Black Girls Heal. Delving into the complexities of relationships and emotional dependency, this insightful discussion offers invaluable insights and guidance for those seeking to understand and overcome patterns of addictive behavior in love and relationships.Shena Lashey BioShena Lashey is a Relational Trauma and Love Addiction Expert, Coach, and Licensed Professional Counselor based out of Houston, TX. She is the founder of Black Girls Heal, and coaching and therapeutic education company dedicated to helping women of color break the cycles of unavailable relationships & love addiction, heal unresolved childhood trauma, and improve their self-love to make way for the love they want. With these specializations, Shena hosts the Black Girls Heal podcast which talks about all things love addiction, intimacy, attachment, and healing internal wounds. She's created the Healed and Loved Woman Framework ™ to help women have a clear path to outline their healing process to become balanced and available to healthy love. Her coaching programs housed under The Recovery School help give women proven and tested systems to break these cycles and change their lives. Whenever You Are ReadyHere are 3 ways I can help you:​Book A Call With Me - I've been getting A LOT of DM and email requests for to chat with me and answer specific questions about love, dating, relationships, and men so I'm opening back up my limited calendar for a few calls. So book a time with me here!Join the Get Your Guy Club- Wanna have Dating Support for a year to help you get your guy but at your own pace. You can get access to my weekly group calls, my private Facebook group, and my online course with 25+ hours of content for just monthly payments of $250...​​Check Out the Get Your Guy Coaching Podcast- With almost 100 episodes, you can binge and learn so much with my podcast. The latest episode is all about calling in your man, check it out here.​Sincerely,Coach AnwarBook a Consult to Work with MeJoin my Get Your Guy ClubBuy My Dating Strategy CourseCheck out My Latest Podcast Episode

Have you dated a narcissist partner? Or did you struggle with some narcissism yourself? In this episode of the Love Addicts podcast, Kayla pulls back the curtain and reveals everything you need to know about narcissism.

In this episode of the Love Addicts podcast, our host Kayla discusses crucial conflict resolution skills you and your partner need to know when struggling with anxious attachment.

"You don't regret the things that you did; you regret the things you never did.” – Magda KayToday's featured author is a speaker, certified Theta Healer, Tantra yoga teacher, intimacy expert, and the Founder and Dean of The School of Intimacy, Magda Kay. Magda and I had a fun on a bun chat about her book, “No More Faking It: A Woman's Guide to Getting the Love, pleasure and fulfillment she deeply desires”, why authenticity is crucial for personal growth, and more!! Key Things You'll Learn:What influenced Magda to start her healing and personal development journeyLessons learned from the process of writing and publishing her 1st bookHow to embrace your originality more oftenWhy your time is valuable and it's okay to go through some pain to embrace your dreams Magda's Site: https://magdakay.com/Magda's Book: https://a.co/d/fRFiNEF The opening track is titled "Money Trees" by the magnanimous chill-hop master, Marcus D (@marcusd). Be sure to visit his site and support his craft. https://marcusd.net/Please support today's podcast to keep this content coming! CashApp: $DomBrightmonDonate on PayPal: @DBrightmonBuy Me a Coffee: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/dombrightmonGet Going North T-Shirts, Stickers, and More: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/dom-brightmon You Might Also Like… Ep. 695 – “Becoming Flawesome” with Kristina Mand-Lakhiani (@KristinaMandLak): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-695-becoming-flawesome-with-kristina-mand-lakhiani-kristinamandlak/ Ep. 452 – “Writing a Penetrating Tell-All Memoir” with Karin Freeland (@KarinFreeland): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-452-writing-a-tell-all-penetrating-memoir-with-karin-freeland-karinfreeland/ Ep. 569 - "The Other Goddess" With Dr. Joanna Kujawa (@JoannaKAuthor): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-569-the-other-goddess-with-dr-joanna-kujawa-joannakauthor/ #Host2Host Bonus Ep. - “Innuendo City” with Michelle Nedelec (@michellenedelec): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/host2host-bonus-ep-innuendo-city-with-michelle-nedelec-michellenedelec/ Ep. 551 – “Rewilding” with Dr. Kristy Vanacore: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-551-rewilding-with-dr-kristy-vanacore/ Ep. 640 – “The Way of Inanna” with Seana Zelazo: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-640-the-way-of-inanna-with-seana-zelazo/ Ep. 526 – “The Subtle Art of Making Stuff Happen” with Griselda Beck, MBA: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-526-the-subtle-art-of-making-stuff-happen-with-griselda-beck-mba/ 260 – “Metamorphosis” with L. Farrah Furtado (@LisaAnneFurtado): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/260-metamorphosis-with-l-farrah-furtado-lisaannefurtado/ 275 – “How Thoughts Become Things” with Dr. Marina Bruni (@DrMarinaBruni): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/275-how-thoughts-become-things-with-dr-marina-bruni-drmarinabruni/ Ep. 341.5 – “Playful Cheeks” with Dr. Alison J. Kay (@ajkbliss): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-3415-playful-cheeks-with-dr-alison-j-kay-ajkbliss/ #GNPYear1 Bonus Episode 3 - "The Truth is Within" with Dee Delaney (@deedelaney01): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/gnpyear1-bonus-episode-3-the-truth-is-within-with-dee-delaney-deedelaney01/ 291 – “Unleash the Goddess Within” with Diane Vich (@dianevich) #C2H: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/291-unleash-the-goddess-within-with-diane-vich-dianevich-c2h/ Ep. 459 – “Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict” with Brianne Davis (@TheBrianneDavis): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-459-secret-life-of-a-hollywood-sex-love-addict-with-brianne-davis-thebriannedavis/ Ep. 705 – “Love is Not Pie” with Katherine Lazaruk (@katherinelzrk): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-705-love-is-not-pie-with-katherine-lazaruk-katherinelzrk/ 70 - "From Grief to Grind" with Phoenix J Ma'ri: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/70-from-grief-to-grind-with-phoenix-j-mari/

"Your story might be the lifeline someone out there needs." – Tyler WittkofskyToday's featured bestselling bookcaster is an award-winning marketing and communications professional, publisher, and mental health and travel blogger, Tyler Wittkofsky. Tyler and I had a fun chat about his books, the importance of normalizing mental health, overcoming imposter syndrome, and more!!! Key Things You'll Learn:Why it's important to normalize mental health conversations and build supportive communitiesWhy Tyler started a publishing companyAdvice for new writers and the importance of perseverance and self-beliefHow he overcame addiction to become a better person Tyler's Site: https://linktr.ee/tylerwittkofskyTyler's Books: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B07QGWDPVR/allbooks?ingress=0&visitId=d6cfb5ea-19a8-4dc2-b5a5-07dac163c92d&store_ref=ap_rdr&ref_=ap_rdrTyler's Podcast, “Cook The Books”: https://open.spotify.com/show/5SXd0yFMBMXIVODl7rID8E?si=7e5f449e3c4b4438 The opening track is titled "Money Trees" by the magnanimous chill-hop master, Marcus D (@marcusd). Be sure to visit his site and support his craft. https://marcusd.net/Please support today's podcast to keep this content coming! CashApp: $DomBrightmonDonate on PayPal: @DBrightmonBuy Me a Coffee: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/dombrightmonGet Going North T-Shirts, Stickers, and More: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/dom-brightmon You Might Also Like…#Host2Host Bonus Ep. – “Living A Fantastic Life Without Alcohol” with Dr. Stephan Neff: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/host2host-bonus-ep-living-a-fantastic-life-without-alcohol-with-dr-stephan-neff/ Ep. 459 – “Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict” with Brianne Davis (@TheBrianneDavis): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-459-secret-life-of-a-hollywood-sex-love-addict-with-brianne-davis-thebriannedavis/ 116 - "Escaping the Rabbit Hole" with Tracey Maxfield (@maxfield_tracey): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/116-escaping-the-rabbit-hole-with-tracey-maxfield-maxfield_tracey/ Ep. 322.5 (H2H Special) – “Burnout Proof” with Michael Levitt (@bfastleadership): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-3225-h2h-special-burnout-proof-with-michael-levitt-bfastleadership/ #M2M Bonus – “An Alcoholic's Progress from Mayhem to Miracles” with Sharla Charpentier (@The_Llove_Llama) #M2M: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/m2m-bonus-an-alcoholics-progress-from-mayhem-to-miracles-with-sharla-charpentier-the_llove_llama-m2m/ Ep. 596 – “The Self-Healing Mind” with Dr. Gregory Scott Brown (@GregorySBrownMD): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-596-the-self-healing-mind-with-dr-gregory-scott-brown-gregorysbrownmd/ Ep. 294.5 (Charm City Bonus Episode) – “The Addict in Aisle 7” with Alison Haase: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-2945-charm-city-bonus-episode-the-addict-in-aisle-7-with-alison-haase/ 24 - "Happy Hour" with Rashad "Bowtie" Mills (@RashadMills629): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/24-happy-hour-with-rashad-bowtie-mills-rashadmills629/ #Bonus Ep. – “Pray. Trust. Ride.” with Lisa Boucher (@LBoucherAuthor): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/bonus-ep-pray-trust-ride-with-lisa-boucher-lboucherauthor/ Ep. 358 – “Beyond the Bottle” with Clay Cutts (@claycutts): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-358-beyond-the-bottle-with-clay-cutts-claycutts/ 101 - "Every Silver Lining Has a Cloud" with Scott Stevens (@AlcoholAuthor): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/101-every-silver-lining-has-a-cloud-with-scott-stevens-alcoholauthor/ Ep. 584 – “The Imposter Lies Within” with Sheryl Anjanette (@sherylanjanette): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-584-the-imposter-lies-within-with-sheryl-anjanette-sherylanjanette/ Ep. 704 – “Unleashing the Power of Authentic Stories” with Dr. Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt (@jeckleberryhunt): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-704-unleashing-the-power-of-authentic-stories-with-dr-jodie-eckleberry-hunt-jeckleberryhu/

Alexandra Katehakis, Ph.D., LMFT is Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles, faculty for the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals, and the recipient of the 2018 WAAT Smart Award, the IITAP Leadership, and the 2012 SASH Carnes Award. She is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist/Supervisor and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist/Supervisor specializing in the treatment of sexual addiction and other sexual disorders. Dr. Katehakis is the author of What Turns You On? A Guide to Living Your Best Sex Life (2022), Sexual Reflections: A Workbook for Designing and Celebrating Your Sexual Health Plan (2018), Sex Addiction As Affect Dysregulation: A Neurobiologically Informed Holistic Treatment (2016), co-author of the 2015 AASECT award winning Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence (2014), contributing author to the Clark Vincent award winning Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts, in M. Feree (Ed.) (2012), and author of Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot Healthy Sex After Recovery From Sex Addiction (2010).    Center for Healthy Sex ------ Instagram Facebook LinkedIn

"When our thoughts fail us, when those stories and beliefs get in our way, principles serve as a bright beautiful light that helps to guide our journey along the way." – Mary Katherine MoralesToday's featured author is a mom, wife, speaker, certified trainer, university fundraiser executive, and the Founder of the Woman of Principle Community, Mary Katherine (MK) Morales. MK and I had a fun chat about her book, “Becoming Woman of Principle: Transforming Your Mind, Living Courageously, and Rising to Your Call”, her journey from addiction to recovery, and tons more!!! Key Things You'll Learn:Why mentorship is required for your next level of fulfillmentHow to build powerful connections and overcome challengesWhy the 1% Principle is a tool for successful leadersThe role that faith played in her recovery MK's Site: https://www.womanofprinciple.com/MK's Book: https://a.co/d/dyUL46x The opening track is titled "Money Trees" by the magnanimous chill-hop master, Marcus D (@marcusd). Be sure to visit his site and support his craft. https://marcusd.net/Please support today's podcast to keep this content coming! CashApp: $DomBrightmonDonate on PayPal: @DBrightmonBuy Me a Coffee: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/dombrightmonGet Going North T-Shirts, Stickers, and More: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/dom-brightmon You Might Also Like… Ep. 306 – “Be The SPARK” with Simon T. Bailey (@SimonTBailey): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-306-be-the-spark-with-simon-t-bailey-simontbailey/ Ep. 459 – “Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict” with Brianne Davis (@TheBrianneDavis): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-459-secret-life-of-a-hollywood-sex-love-addict-with-brianne-davis-thebriannedavis/ Ep. 712 – “When Your Heart Says to Leave a Legacy” with Bridget Cook-Burch (@inspiritwriter): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-712-when-your-heart-says-to-leave-a-legacy-with-bridget-cook-burch-inspiritwriter/ Ep. 517 – “God's Not Done with You” with Mary Guirovich (@maryguirovich): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-517-gods-not-done-with-you-with-mary-guirovich-maryguirovich/ Ep. 725 – “Closing the Confidence Gap” with Kelli Rae Thompson (@_KelliRThompson): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-725-closing-the-confidence-gap-with-kelli-rae-thompson-_kellirthompson/ Ep. 364 – “7 Deadly Thoughts” with Pastor Travis Hall (@PastorTHall): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-364-7-deadly-thoughts-with-pastor-travis-hall-pastorthall/ #Bonus Host2Host Ep.– “Unleashing the Power of Respect” with Dr. Joseph Shrand (@Drjoeshrand): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/bonus-host2host-ep-unleashing-the-power-of-respect-with-dr-joseph-shrand-drjoeshrand/ #Bonus Ep. – “It Is On You To Own You” with Delpha Clarke: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/bonus-ep-it-is-on-you-to-own-you-with-delpha-clarke/ Ep. 691 – “How to Spark Your Heart and Ignite Your Life” with Hilary DeCesare (@HilaryDeCesare): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-691-how-to-spark-your-heart-and-ignite-your-life-with-hilary-decesare-hilarydecesare/ Ep. 680 – “The Influence Lottery Ticket for Having High Impact” with Kelly Swanson (@motivationspkr): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-680-the-influence-lottery-ticket-for-having-high-impact-with-kelly-swanson-motivationspkr/ Ep. 667 – “Pursuing Success God's Way” with Erin Harrigan (@ErinHCoach): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-667-pursuing-success-gods-way-with-erin-harrigan-erinhcoach/ Ep. 664 – “The Power of Thought” with Lynn McLaughlin, MEd, BEd, BA (@lynnmcla): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-664-the-power-of-thought-with-lynn-mclaughlin-med-bed-ba-lynnmcla/ #Bonus Ep. – “Pray. Trust. Ride.” with Lisa Boucher (@LBoucherAuthor): https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/bonus-ep-pray-trust-ride-with-lisa-boucher-lboucherauthor/ Ep. 605 – “Love Is” with Kim Sorrelle: https://www.goingnorthpodcast.com/ep-605-love-is-with-kim-sorrelle/

When you date a Love Addict, YOU become their drug. At first they can make you feel like the most special, beautiful person, and all the pain and loneliness in your life was for a reason, because NOW, finally, you real true love has come along. Love addicts LOVE the feeling of being that for you. But they can't sustain it, and that's why dating them is such a roller coaster of highs when they love you, and lows when they totally disappear. The horrible thing about love addiction is that is spreads -- now YOU are the one who can't think of anything else. My letter today is from a woman whose life is now falling apart because she's hooked on a love addict. 10 Things Romantic Manipulators Say. FREE Download: https://bit.ly/3ZcUnkm Take my FREE Course or Quizzes: https://bit.ly/40M2YeW Enroll in my Courses or Membership: https://bit.ly/3HP5qcf Send your questions & comments to: hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com

In this week's episode, we delve into Brooke's compelling story of seeking acceptance and battling personal demons in the world of love and sex addiction. From her humble origins in a small town, where friends and family subjected her to bullying, to her discovery of a supportive online community that embraced her for who she truly is, this is a narrative of resilience and transformation. Join us as we follow Brooke's path through the shadows of desire, addiction, and depression, where she not only confronts her darkest temptations but also discovers the power of love in its most unexpected forms.Take the questionnaire yourself:https://slaafws.org/40-questions/_____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

My name is Richelle from New Jersey. I found 12 step rooms in the year 1999 and got clean on January 18, 2000. I was acting out in love addiction and did not even know it. I found Nikki M and the spiritual gangsters Big Book in October 2020.   Richelle speaks on the hopeless state of an untreated Love Addict.  She shares on what a love addict is and how it is defined.  Reco12 is an organization with the mission of learning and sharing the similarities of addiction of all kinds and gaining and sharing tools and hope from others who are walking a similar path.  We come together from all places, faiths and backgrounds to gain tools and hope from others who are walking a similar path.  Speakers from our past meetings have represented so many fellowships, addictions, and afflictions.  And we look forward to continuing to add to the diversity of speakers and backgrounds.  Reco12 appreciates your help in keeping us working our 12th Step with these great resources and services for the addict and loved ones.  We gratefully accept contributions to help cover the costs of the Zoom platform, podcast platform, web hosting, and administrative costs.  To become a Reco12 Spearhead you can quickly and easily become a monthly donor here: https://www.reco12.com/support  or you can do one-time donations through PayPal (https://www.paypal.me/reco12)  or Venmo:  @Reco-Twelve .  Thanks for your support!Resources from this meeting:SLAA (Characteristics of a SexLove AddictBill W's Emotional SobrietyBig Book of Alcoholics AnonymousSpiritual Gangsters List of Meetings12Steps4Hours Big Book Sponsorship"Outro music is "Just Can't Do this On My Own" written by James, Carrington, Thomas Barkmeijer and Paul Freeman and performed by James Carrington and used with full permission of James Carrington.  To learn more about this music and performer, please visit https://www.jamescarrington.net/ and https://m.facebook.com/jamescarringtonmusic ." Support the showPrivate Facebook GroupInstagram PageBecome a Reco12 Spearhead (Monthly Supporter)PatreonPayPalVenmo: @Reco-TwelveYouTube ChannelReco12 WebsiteEmail: reco12pod@gmail.com to join WhatsApp GroupReco12 Shares PodcastReco12 Shares Record a Share LinkReco12 Noodle It Out with Nikki M PodcastReco12 Big Book Roundtable Podcast

Lisa brings us into the world of BDSM and how she's balancing that life and the life of recovery from sex and love addiction._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ever wondered what it's like getting intimate with a clown? Deep dive as comedian Maria Bamford (Arrested Development, Big Mouth) unravels her experiences as sex and love addict, the relationship tools she's learned in her 12 step programs, and her mental illnesses. Plus, for those seeking lasting love, Maria shares the 4 behaviors to avoid divorce. Recorded Aug 22nd 2023.Follow Nicole Byer: See Nicole on tour! Get tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Sheila Jackson and Natasha McCrea represent over 40 years of experience as entrepreneurs and curators of space for women. Their goal is to create a brand that celebrates our diversity, style, power, and of course, great taste. Natasha is a serial entrepreneur, multi-passionate entertainer, and the Founder of Love CEO Institute, a personal development company for women. Her entertainment industry experience spans over the last 20 years as an actor, director, writer and producer. Natasha has appeared in commercials and numerous network television series. She is an award-winning producer of narrative shorts and documentary film. She has also directed her own one-woman show, for which she was honored with a best writer award. Through the development and national tour of her one-woman show, “Evolution of a Love Addict,” several years of counseling, and entrepreneurship; Natasha turned her life around and elevated herself from love addict to Love CEO. Her coaching practice helps women find peace, pleasure and success, using the Love Intelligence Method that she developed. Natasha loves connecting with other women who share a love for whiskey. She believes we're building more than a whiskey brand. We're starting a movement. Sheila has spent her entire career elevating women - starting out as a marriage and family therapist; women's empowerment writer; host of the Girl Talk LA radio show; and as an award-winning producer, known for her all female crews and putting more women behind the camera. Her advertising campaigns have received the highest honors from the American Advertising Awards (ADDY), Telly and Aurora - with two mayoral commendations from the City of Los Angeles. Also an accomplished writer and historian, Sheila is a development producer for film and television. She is author of two historical biography collections and is among historians included in the University of Washington's oral history archive of “Women Who Rock,” which explores how women have used music as a tool for activism. For the last five years, Sheila has more vigorously pursued her passion for wine and spirits. A self-professed, wine geek, she is a member of the women-led advisory for La Cienega Vineyard, in Sonoma's prestigious Alexander Valley. Her career is a testament to the fact that we can do it all. Since expanding into the spirits world, Sheila is excited about how Jackson McCrea will change the face of whiskey, and explode the status quo. Follow them at: http://jacksonmccreawhiskey.com http://instagram.com/jacksonmccreawhiskey Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What happens when the man you love cheats on you… again and again? Or when his chronic, narcissistic behavior of gaslighting you every time is pushing you farther and farther away from trusting your instincts and your inner voice? This week, Chloe shares the heartbreaking story of a decade-long relationship and her journey of letting go and learning to trust herself once again. Continuing our Best Of series, we share some of our listener favorites. The episode originally aired on March 1, 2021, as Ep #38._________If you or anyone you know is struggling with an addiction, depression, trauma, or sexual abuse, we've compiled a list of resources at https://secretlifepodcast.com.If you'd like to share your secret on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com._____To find out more information about Brianne's book Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict, check out the website: https://secretlifenovel.com or At Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Subscribe, Rate & Review: Apple PodcastsFollow & Listen Spotify | Stitcher | Google PodcastsSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonateYou can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sex, Love, Addiction, and Reality TV: The Toxic Relationships of Vanderpump Rules — Rebecca was deep in her alcohol and sex & love addiction 18 years ago when she met Tom Sandavol at a Hollywood house party, and they slept together. Despite the fact, they both were in relationships. In the latest episode of Secret Life, host Brianne Davis teams up with guest Rebecca to delve deep into the intricate and toxic relationships portrayed on Bravo's Vanderpump Rules. Their critical and insightful analysis sheds light on the complex patterns of behavior and underlying issues at play, specifically focusing on the tumultuous love affair between Tom's narcissistic tendencies and Ariana. By examining the emotional dynamics and uncovering the nuances often overlooked by society, the podcast offers a serious exploration of the complexities of human relationships. From Tom and Raquel's affair to Ariana's missing the red flags, Secret Life dissects the frustrations of recovered sex and love addicts who feel that society fails to grasp the intricacies of these situations. Whether you're a devoted fan of the show or simply intrigued by the intricate dance between sex and love addiction, this thought-provoking podcast is a must-listen. Check out the 40 Sex & Love Addiction Questionnaire for yourself:https://slaafws.org/40-questions/For more information about Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous: https://slaafws.org/_____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscriptBrianne 0:00:00Okay? So I know everything that's going on, and I just have to say to all the listeners, I don't do pop culture. I don't deal with that kind of shit. But this story, and I know you agreed with me, is so frustrating from a recovered sex and love addict that nobody's calling this shit, that they both are sex and love addicts.Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict. A four-time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast.I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. You'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all.Oh, my God. Today. My guest is Rebecca. Now, Rebecca, I have a question for you. Don't. Don't. Don't. What is your secret?Rebecca 0:01:31I had a one-night stand with Tom Sandoval 18 years ago when he had a girlfriend.Brianne 0:01:38Son of a nutcracker. He's been doing it for a long time.Rebecca 0:01:42Almost two decades.Brianne 0:01:44Two decades. Okay, before we get into it, when did this happen? Where did it happen? What?Rebecca 0:01:51Yeah, I know. So I met him originally in Miami. I lived in New York before, and I used to go to Miami a lot. And I want to say this was 2003 or 2004.Brianne 0:02:02Okay.Rebecca 0:02:03And I was drinking very heavily. Met him at a club. I was there with my sister. And I remember it's fuzzy because I was very, very drunk.Brianne 0:02:12This is before I got sober and.Rebecca 0:02:14I met him and a bunch of his friends at a club. And we thought he was cute, so we introduced ourselves, and then he said, Come hang out with us. And I remember him popping champagne bottles and spraying it, which he still does.Brianne 0:02:31Wow. Yeah.Rebecca 0:02:33And I don't remember who else was with him, but I know that he lived with Jax at the time, so.Brianne 0:02:37He might have been there.Rebecca 0:02:38I just don't remember. I didn't know him then, so we didn't hook up with him that night, but nothing happened. So then fast forward maybe a year, and at this point, me and my sister had moved to Los Angeles. And this is like, the height of my drinking. This is one of the most drunk nights I've ever had. Like, it sticks out as really out of control. Like, very out of control. And I went to a liquor store and I remember these guys coming in and thinking I was funny because I was drunk. And then they were like, do you want to go come to a house party with us? And like an idiot, I was like, sure. And I went to this house party. I don't know whose house it was, where it was, what part of town.Brianne 0:03:20Like, no clue, no memory.Brianne 0:03:22So scary. I'm so scared for you right now.Rebecca 0:03:25I know, but it was like a legit, typical Hollywood house party with a couple of another reality star. So there was probably some celebrities or well known Hollywood people at this party. And I remember seeing Tom sort of remember and going up to him. I'm like, oh, it's Tom Sandoval. Where I met him. Miami. I remembered him because we thought he was really cute. And I guess I went up to him and was like, do you remember me and my sister? She looks like a lot like me. And he said yes. And then I guess we were talking, and I said something like, my sister thinks you're really hot. Can I bring you home to her?Brianne 0:04:06We live together.Rebecca 0:04:07Can I bring you home for her?Brianne 0:04:09Like a present?Rebecca 0:04:11Exactly.Brianne 0:04:13Here's your party favorite. Enjoy. Okay.Rebecca 0:04:17I remember going home, and me and.Brianne 0:04:20My sister had lived together at the time, but she wasn't home for whatever reason.Rebecca 0:04:24So I said something like, well, I can't let you go to waste.Brianne 0:04:29Yeah, that's a line.Brianne 0:04:34Yeah.Rebecca 0:04:35He was completely unfazed by whoever, whatever. I was like, yeah, I can't let you go to waste, so do you want to go upstairs? And he was like, yeah, sure. I just remember thinking, okay, that was easy because at the time, I treated men like conquest, and I was very into male models. Since I had lived in New York, he was just another male model. So we went upstairs, did the deed. I sort of remember either. I told him first that I had a boyfriend.Brianne 0:05:04Okay.Rebecca 0:05:05He told me that he had a girlfriend, and it was very life, matter of fact.Brianne 0:05:08No guilt about it.Rebecca 0:05:10Just like, yeah, I have a girlfriend. Oh, yeah, I have a boyfriend. And then it was sort of right before the act.Brianne 0:05:16Yeah.Rebecca 0:05:17And then we did and it didn't take very long.Brianne 0:05:21It didn't last very long.Rebecca 0:05:22It wasn't very nothing to write home about, from what I remember. And then I guess I got his number because I gave it to my sister later, which is so weird and twisted.Brianne 0:05:31So weird and twisted. Alcoholic. Yeah. Here, I just left with him. Your turn, CIS.Brianne 0:05:41Yeah.Rebecca 0:05:41I was like, sorry, life. You weren't home. But she didn't care, and so he left. And then I hadn't seen him since. I haven't talked to him. I didn't ever text him.Brianne 0:05:52Okay. So I know everything that's going on, and I just have to say to all the listeners, I don't do pop culture. I don't deal with that kind of shit. But this story, and I know you agreed with me, it's so frustrating from a recovered sex and love addict that nobody's calling this shit, that they both are sex and love addicts.Brianne 0:06:16Exactly.Brianne 0:06:18It's so frustrating. And why did you reach out to me about it? Because I want to hear it from your point of view. Because you slept with him?Brianne 0:06:25Yes, because I've been watching the show, obviously. And I actually started watching because I recognized him on the commercials after I slept with him. This was about I don't know, it was years before Vanderpump Rules. And the whole case just fascinated me for so many reasons, as it does pretty much the rest of America and so many other people beyond. And it's just so layered and it's so interesting why it's captivated so many people. Considering cheating is not an uncommon thing, especially on Bravo, especially on Vanderpump Rules. It's like what the show was based on. So I really wanted to share that aspect of it and talk about how this is a pattern life. He was just found out. But this is happening 18 years ago. And since then I got sober, I'm in slaa, I've identified as a sex and love addict. So I just see so many things that people are not really talking about.Brianne 0:07:27Yeah, and society is missing. It's almost like a secret society is keeping from our human race, because the number one thing people want is love and affection and attention and intimacy. But majority of humans are terrified of it. So we go from person to person to person. Doesn't really even matter who they are, to get this need filled. And we're all just like running around like toddlers, wanting, giving, giving. And here's an example of two people willing to blow up their whole fucking life exactly. For that little thing where they think it's everything. It's that life. Roller coaster, intensity, passion. So let's break it down. So when you are watching it, and I know you've listened to a lot of other podcasts, I mean, JLo is talking about it like, JLo, that's crazy.Brianne 0:08:21It's in Time Magazine, it's in Variety, it's in every major publication. It sort of transcended the Bravo and reality show universe. And there's a reason why I think it's relatable to so many people, but they can't quite put their finger on why.Brianne 0:08:36Yeah. So what is other podcasts saying that's making you frustrated as a recovered sex and love addict?Brianne 0:08:42I just don't think that they're touching on that aspect. I think they're more focused on it's, like black and white. It's a betrayal, obviously, but they're not going into the nuances of what Tom might be feeling or where he might be coming from, or what's going on with Raquel, what their histories and their childhoods might have been like. And one of the most interesting things about it is that Ariana, it turns out knew about Miami Girl and was protecting him. And there's just so many aspects about their relationship that I relate to in other relationships as well. Sort of the manipulation and the narcissism. Not to diagnose anyone, although it used to be a therapist. But there's just so many things that people are missing. I've heard a couple of podcasts coming at it from a psychological and intuitive empathic sort of way. But most of the podcasts are missing.Brianne 0:09:41That well, they're just ragging on them. And listen, I'm speaking from a place where I was a cheater, cheated all the time, go from person to person, overlap them. So I'm coming in from and listen, I was a piece of shit. I will say that I was in my addiction. It was all about me. Selfish, self involved, fill me up, give me attention, give me what I need. In the moment the high wore off and the excitement, I would start looking for somebody else.Brianne 0:10:05I'm familiar, right?Brianne 0:10:06So I have no judgment on Tom. And then I also know, and you and I have talked about this before a long time ago. Well, not a long time ago, but when it came out, we said, listen, poor Ariana, she is the victim, but she also has a place when someone cheats, and I know a lot of people don't agree with me when someone cheats, it takes those two people in the relationship to actually make that happen. She avoided the red flags, she made excuses, she kept a secret, a huge.Brianne 0:10:40Secret for seven years that lied about it.Rebecca 0:10:44New women.Brianne 0:10:44Yeah. So she missed those signs. And then when the intimacy is going away, which she said, our intimacy has been bad, when that starts to break, you're responsible to repair it.Brianne 0:11:00Yes, and she said she tried, but we don't really know what happened.Brianne 0:11:06Yeah, she should have. But here's the thing, then she could say, something's missing, something's going on, you're staying out late, you're not home, you're not spending that much time with me. Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag.Brianne 0:11:20Yes. And we've all done it. We've all ignored red flags and wasted years doing that. And then we're blindsided and then we're like, what happened? But in hindsight, we can see all the red flags that were there and that we maybe willfully ignored.Brianne 0:11:35So I did read something I Want to Tell you and see your take on it, that he's a narcissist. Listen, I had narcissistic tendencies. I'm not a narcissist, but I have them. And we're not saying he is. And then she did a post a while ago, raquel that she was going to codependency twelve step program Coda. And I was thinking it's not really a Coda situation because I pulled up some of the things is that you will still see a person that's destructive to you. So there's something in her. So that's like the questions. There's 40 questions in Flaw and one of them is, do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though that person is destructive to you?Brianne 0:12:20Yeah. And she did this with James, too. I mean, James was destructive in a totally different way. But she seeks these men out that are very strong personalities and possible narcissists and manipulative. And they're very different in the way that they sort of abused her, but they both were pretty toxic for her.Brianne 0:12:42Overwhelming. She loses her sense of self in the relationship.Brianne 0:12:47Yes. And maybe she feels stronger having someone like that at her side because she's not strong on her own. She's kind of fascinating. She has a lot of oh, yeah. History. That she was adopted by her aunt.Brianne 0:13:05Abandonment, rejection from her birth mom.Brianne 0:13:09Yes. Even though she would probably deny it, because the way that she frames it is really interesting. She said something like, my birth mom was kind enough to give me to her sister, essentially because she couldn't conceive. And she framed it in a way that's a very pageant answer. And then the pageant is a whole that pageant world is a whole other animal where she competed against other women. Other women had this perfectionism, which is why I think a lot of times she seems rehearsed and very stoic and very put together, but there's nothing there.Brianne 0:13:49Well, here's number 14 is, do you feel desperate for a lover or a future mate? It's like instead of going outside this group, she went inside the circle and saw, oh, here's they have a house, they have this. This is what I want. Oh, and he's like a rock star now. Because here's the other thing I want to say. One of the huge characteristics for sex and love addicts, and I love this characteristic, it's my favorite. But we assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them and then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations. And I believe both of them do that.Brianne 0:14:25Both of them did that for him. He was the answer to his midlife crisis. She made him feel seen. She made him feel special.Brianne 0:14:37Yes, you heard and validated.Brianne 0:14:41She's very different than Ariana. Ariana will tell it like it is, and she will just be heart eyes and just very admiring of him. And that's what he needed at that time. If he is a narcissist, that's what he's going to want. He's going to want someone admiring. But does she really see him? I don't know.Brianne 0:15:03No, she doesn't. So that's the thing. Even when they're talking to each other, because you and I just looked at some of the reunion, even when they were in that winnebago or away from the set, they were talking to each other. It's almost like they weren't even seeing each other. It was really interesting to watch. It was like their eyes were glazed over. So it's almost this false form of intimacy that I was seeing that they didn't even seem like they actually knew each other or that they've had sex before. Even when people I used to work as an actor, I go on set and I would know who's fucking who life. You're fucking the hair person, you're with the extra. You're doing this because you can feel that energy. But something in them, and it wasn't because the cameras were on them, because you can still see it. Because we could see it before. There's something where they used each other for false intimacy and it's actually not there.Brianne 0:15:58Yeah, they don't really do that, too. I did. I mean, both scenes that we saw of them together, pretty much everyone is saying that it was weird, it was awkward. And I'm sure most people chalked it up to and they could chalk it up to there's cameras there. But yeah, I didn't see the connection, the intimacy, the love.Brianne 0:16:16But they've had cameras for a long time, so they're used to cameras. It's not like somebody new.Brianne 0:16:21Yeah, but it was a secret that was being exposed and finally filmed. And so I'm sure they didn't know how to act, but I didn't see any connection or intimacy, literally.Brianne 0:16:32Could you see them having an affair for seven months? I did not feel that intimacy at all. It was almost like evaporates. And I think that's what I wanted to say to you, too, and see if you agree, is when we love secrets and lies, the dirtier, the dark, we get to fester in secrets and lies. And when it comes to light, it never lives up to the fantasy.Brianne 0:16:56You could see that the magic was gone, the bubble was burst. You could see that in the trailer. It's like, oh, consequences. Now it's real life, and we're not in this little secret, exciting, forbidden bubble anymore. Now everyone else is involved and it's ugly and it's real life. And like Ariana even said, wait till she starts having real demands and expectations of a girlfriend. She's not going to be so cool and exciting then. And that was Ariana's experience. It's the same pattern repeated.Brianne 0:17:31Yeah. And listen, Ariana could have a little love addict in her. And I believe most of society has this because we all yearn to be loved. But I wanted to read this characteristic. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.Brianne 0:17:51Absolutely.Brianne 0:17:52I mean, how many stories have we I've heard much more stories about him. Been cheating a lot. Like 1112 people. So this is something where he's going into we call it relocating, where you go to other locations and you find people to intrigue with or flirt with or hook up with, and then you leave them there.Brianne 0:18:16Yeah.Brianne 0:18:20Sorry.Brianne 0:18:21No, that's okay. This is 18 years ago, and he had a girlfriend then. And then the next time I saw him, he was with Kristen. That was five or six years they lived together. Very codependent, cheating on her the whole time. And then he went right from that to Ariana. And then he cheated on her from the beginning, whether you want to call it cheating or not. Miami girl. And then I believe there are way more than two or three that he's admitting to.Brianne 0:18:50100%. I would give money on it, because what happens is this is a progressive disease. It's a thinking disease. It's actually not about the other person, we think. And it progressively gets worse. So the higher the stakes means you've been doing it a long time. And here's the stakes. It was her best friend seven months on television for them to even think. And she even said in the interview, I thought it would be okay with Ariana. I thought they would break up. Then him and I could start dating. That was my reality. And in my head, I was screaming, no, that was your fucking fantasy.Brianne 0:19:29Yeah.Brianne 0:19:31That is life. How toxic and how this disease will make you think the craziest things will work out and they won't.Brianne 0:19:40Yeah. I wonder if she thought that, because that's exactly what happened with Kristen and Ariana's overlap. Like, he came on the reunion, we didn't see this, but he had broken up with Kristen and then now he's with Ariana. And maybe she thought that their situation would play out the same way if they weren't caught. That's what would have happened. He would have broken up with Ariana, and the next reunion, they would be together next season, maybe, and everybody would just accept it eventually. That's what she thought. And I think she even said that I was living in my own little world. And even Lala also pointed out that.Brianne 0:20:17Living in fantasy, that she thought it was going to work out. I mean, even Randall, I've met him and gone in for him and castings and stuff. And it's like I smelled him from a mile away of also having this problem. Let's just get to it.Brianne 0:20:30Yeah. I think somebody said maybe it was Ariana. She said the way that he talks about her is exactly the way that he talked about me in the beginning. And so many I've looked at scenes that are almost identical of what he said about Kristen. We're not having sex. She cringes when I touch her. We were basically roommates. And he's saying the exact same things about Ariana. So it's a pattern of over. I mean, that's 15 years right there.Brianne 0:20:59Well, here's the third characteristic, and this one is going to nail ding, ding. It says furied emotional and sexual deprivation. So he felt he had emotional deprivation and sexual deprivation. We compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time, so that's that overlap. It's like, can't be alone. I'm empty. I'm empty. Fill me up. Give me the sexual needs. Give me the emotional needs.Brianne 0:21:37Yeah, it's life leapfrogging from one thing to another. Life I've never seen again. This is like two decades from what I've seen and from what I know of the exact same thing. I can't be alone. I can't be alone.Rebecca 0:21:50Can't be alone.Brianne 0:21:51I need that girlfriend, but I also need that excitement on the outside.Brianne 0:21:56Yeah. And here's Raquel's one. We confuse love with neediness. Physical and sexual attraction, pity or the need to rescue or be rescued.Brianne 0:22:06Yeah, with James, I guess she was trying to rescue him.Brianne 0:22:09Yeah, but here's the thing. She was trying to rescue Sandoval from his relationship with Ariana, and then she want to be rescued by him in her loneliness. And she couldn't sit within herself. And we were forgetting she hooked up with that other married guy before in Vegas.Brianne 0:22:29Schwartz.Brianne 0:22:31No, schwartz and then the one before. Yes.Brianne 0:22:34I mean, she went from Peter to Oliver to Schwartz, which I think was a decoy, set up something. It was either production or Sandoval trying to cover his tracks. Or she was trying to make him jealous. That both.Brianne 0:22:48I actually think both.Brianne 0:22:49Yeah, because he wasn't committing. I mean, I think what we're hearing is completely different than what they were talking about behind closed doors and what they had planned. Maybe. I mean, there's a theory that she was with Sandoval when she was with James and that's why she broke up with him. She broke the engagement off because it was kind of out of nowhere.Brianne 0:23:11Well, he was paying for their engagement, which is very odd, very strange. It's almost like the seeds were being planted. And it's like a type of not grooming, but a type of grooming situation where, listen, healthy people do not pick unhealthy people. I always say, when you do this work, anybody you choose right now is unhealthy because a healthy person sees those signs, sees those boundaries, and will not put up with them. So anytime someone with these behaviors, who they pick is just unhealthy? That's exactly it. Because here's the thing. Ariana did kiss him while he was with Kristen. There's a part of her that's unhealthy, and people aren't saying that. And listen, she is the victim. I feel horrible for her, absolutely terrible. But she also played out the same pattern. Yes. Not saying that.Brianne 0:24:12No, not saying that. I mean, it's interesting that she's so the victim right now. Everybody feels so bad for her. Andy did touch on it a little bit in the reunion. He said, Listen, this is a room full of cheaters. Ariana, you kissed Sandoval while he was with Kristen. And the thing is, in rewatching the show, she's never once copped to that and said, I mean, she admitted it, but she never said, yeah, that was wrong. I'm sorry, Kristen, that was wrong. That was still cheating. And by the way, I don't know if they just kissed. But even if they just kissed, that's still cheating. That's still doing the same thing that ended up kind of happening to her.Brianne 0:24:54But here's the thing. They're not saying my friend, they're not saying they had an emotional affair already. They were best friends. First of all, I don't know about you, but I don't believe men and women, if that's the sexual if that's who you're attracted to, I don't believe it's a healthy scenario to have a lot of guy friends or to have a guy best friend. No, I just don't. The energy exchange, usually somebody would fuck somebody, so it's not a real friendship.Brianne 0:25:23Agree.Brianne 0:25:24They were having an emotional affair. That's worse than kissing. That's worse. And no one's saying that.Brianne 0:25:32No one's saying that. I know it is. I mean, Kristen said that in the reunion. She said, well, you guys were having an emotional affair. And I think they kind of denied that. But it's pretty clear. I wouldn't want my boyfriend texting his friend who's really hot, who I'm threatened by at three in the morning and saying what certain things that they were saying. It's inappropriate, to say the least. And she never really owned that. Neither of them ever caught to that. We're friends, we're friends. And then he said the same thing about Raquel. We're friends. We're friends. We're dancing at the Abbey at 02:00 A.m..Brianne 0:26:08It's normal.Brianne 0:26:10No, it's not. It is not normal. Whoever you're hanging out whoever's hanging out with somebody at 01:00 A.m., that is not a healthy situation. In the dark is where things get fucked up. And here's the one I want to say, because this is the characteristic for what we're talking about, is having few healthy boundaries. We become sexually involved with and or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. Now, he could say, Ariana and I knew each other back then, and it's like, no, you didn't. You worked behind a bar. Yes, you worked together. But do you actually know the person? Probably they trauma bonded. Probably they complained about Kristen and she felt closer to him and they had this connection. Oh, my God. I can't tell you, if I hear one more person saying, oh, the connection, we were like, I've never connected to another person. I'm like that's a bunch of BS.Brianne 0:27:03Sorry.Brianne 0:27:04Yes.Brianne 0:27:08That was my alarm. Yeah. I think that she probably trauma bonded with him also because she had talked about in her last relationship, she dealt with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse, and she was talked down to and her self esteem was just obliterated. So, yeah, they probably did trauma bond over these toxic relationships that they were in. And they both said that. She said that over and over. Like, I've known him for six years. We've been friends for six years. As if that sort of or no, three years, I think it was at the time. As if that sort of overshadows the actual intimate relationship that Kristen had with him. And they acted like they knew each other on that intimate level because they were friends for three years.Brianne 0:27:56Yeah.Brianne 0:27:57And it's not the same thing. They didn't know each other that way. So they said, you don't even know.Brianne 0:28:04The person that you're with sometimes for years. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, and I still learn things about him. So if you think this overwhelming connection or you know this person, you do not you do not ever there's a part of us that is never fully yes, we're connected. I'm the most connected I've ever been, but I had years and years of therapy and work on myself and my intimacy and all of that. But Tom and Raquel or Tom and Ariana are all these scenarios. First of all, they don't know each other. You're living in an altered reality in general, on television. None of that is fucking real. I've been an actress for 20 something years. It is not real. None of it. So they all live in fantasy. And these two people, let's say, took the fantasy to the next level. And no one is calling it what it is. And now they say she's in rehab or a mental facility.Brianne 0:29:05Do you believe that? I want to know if you believe thatBrianne 0:29:08I don't. Honestly, I have no idea what's going on with her. I think it's probably a good thing that she's not in the public eye right now and in everyone's face, like Sandoval is. She's not flaunting. Whatever she's doing, I mean, it's good that she's out of the public eye in a way. I don't know where she is. Life. Maybe she's at a maybe she's with her parents. Maybe she's at because she seems very reliant on them. And, um maybe she's at a spa that she's sorry. Calling a wellness resort. Maybe there's a theory that she was pregnant and so she's in hiding at her grandmother's house. I don't know. She's more of the mysterious piece for me. She's hard to read.Brianne 0:29:52It's that facade. That mask is that perfectionism.Brianne 0:29:56It's the reflection that all these men because I look.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Brianne Davis is a Hollywood actress, writer, producer, and director who is also a certified trauma-informed recovery specialist and a sex and love addict in recovery. She has been featured in shows and films such as Lucifer, Casual, True Blood, and Jarhead alongside Jake Gyllenhaal. Her article "I'm a Sex and Love Addict. Here's How I Realized I Had a Problem" has been widely read online. In the podcast, Breanne describes her experience as a sex and love addict, from her rock bottom moment of trying to stop two men from killing each other in front of her house to her current calling of helping other people. 00:04:53 Addiction to love and sex. 00:10:43 Addiction is hard to overcome. 00:16:01 Tools for healthy relationships. 00:22:10 Embrace self worth and love. 00:25:25 Heal trauma to find happiness. 00:33:07 Love yourself to serve others. 00:38:45 Break generational cycles. 00:39:00 Break free from addiction. Stay Connected with Brianne Davis Instagram: @thebriannedavis https://www.instagram.com/thebriannedavis/ Support the show Download our free audio training: The Ultimate NO BS Guide to Self Pleasure & Sexual Intimacy

It doesn't matter how successful you are, how much money you make, or what you look like, Compare and Despair can and will bring you down. Jana and Brianne talk about how Compare and Despair thinking is pervasive and dangerous. It can contribute to anxiety, depression, shame, and envy, leading to self-criticism and a lack of self-worth. It rapidly undermines any confidence.________If you or anyone you know is struggling with an addiction, depression, trauma, or sexual abuse, we've compiled a list of resources at https://secretlifepodcast.com.If you'd like to share your secret on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com._____To find out more information about Brianne's book Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict, check out the website: https://secretlifenovel.com or At Amazon Our Guest: JANA KRAMERJana Kramer is a country music singer and actress who has starred on One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights, and the 2012 season of Dancing with the Stars. Kramer began her musical career in 2012 and has released two albums: Jana Kramer and Thirty OnTo connect with Jana Kramer:Website: https://janakramer.comThe Good Fight Book: https://janaandmike.comWhine Down Podcast: https://janakramer.com/podcastInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/kramergirl/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/janakramermusicTwitter: https://twitter.com/kramergirl______Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Are you constantly seeking out new relationships or always thinking about your next partner? Do you find yourself losing sleep over the state of your romantic affairs? Do you find your value is often dependent on your current partner's view of you? You may be a love addict. In this episode, we'll explore four signs that suggest you might have an unhealthy attachment to love and relationships.We'll begin by defining what love addiction is and how it differs from healthy relationships. Then, we'll discuss the four key indicators that suggest you may be a love addict.Throughout the episode, we'll share real-life stories and experiences from Ashley's own struggles with love addiction. We'll also provide actionable tips and strategies for overcoming this addiction.If you're ready to take a deep dive into your relationship patterns and gain a better understanding of yourself and your needs, tune in to this episode. Whether you're struggling with love addiction or simply looking to improve your relationships, this episode is for you.Ashley Loeb Blassingame has been clean and sober for 17 years, she's a drug and alcohol counselor, interventionist, and the co-founder of a telehealth company called Lionrock Recovery that provides substance use disorder treatment.Episode ResourcesSex and Love Addicts Anonymous | slaafws.orgLove Addicts | loveaddicts.comFacing Love Addiction Book | piamellody.comConnect with Ashley Loeb BlassingameChange Mail Newsletter | lionrock.life/couragetochangepodcastTikTok | @ashleyloebblassingameInstagram | @ashleyloebblassingameConnect with The Courage to ChangePodcast Website | lionrock.life/couragetochangepodcastPodcast Instagram | @couragetochange_podcastPodcast Facebook | @thecouragetochangepodcastPodcast Email | podcast@lionrock.lifeYouTube | The Courage to Change Playlist

Celebrating our 150th episode, we're sharing some of our listener favorites, starting with our good friend, Jim Clemente. Unfortunately, his story is all too common, as we see with recent news of the Baltimore Catholic Church, so incredibly prevalent still.This episode originally aired on April 19, 2021 as Ep #45.What would you do if you came face to face with the man that molested you when you were a teen? When Jim Clemente walked into the Bronx home of his former summer camp director, it wasn't for old time's sake. The twenty-something Clemente was wearing a wire. Federal agents and an NYPD detective were listening in.And his old camp boss, Michael J. O'Hara, was showing Clemente pictures of kids he'd molested — just like he'd abused Clemente a decade prior. Clemente had convinced the predator he was a kindred spirit and had to keep his cool, or the criminal case being built against O'Hara — a Boy Scout leader, Catholic school teacher and youth-basketball coach believed to have sexually abused hundreds of kids — would fall apart. (Excerpt from New York Post Article)_______In April of 2021, President Biden announced National Child Abuse Prevention Month. He calls upon all Americans to protect our Nation's greatest resource — its children — and to take an active role in supporting children and parents and creating safe communities filled with thriving families.For more information on what you can do: https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/preventing/preventionmonth/_____At least 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused or assaulted. If you're a man who has experienced sexual abuse or assault, you're not alone.https://1in6.org is there to support you in your path to a happier, healthier future._____Jim Clemente is a retired FBI Supervisory Special Agent/Profiler and former New York City Prosecutor. During his 22-year career with the FBI, he investigated cases from bank robberies to serial killers. He also investigated public corruption in the White House, white collar and violent crime, and has worked as an undercover agent posing as everything from a street beggar to a broker on Wall Street. For over a decade, he was an FBI Profiler investigated violent and sexual serial crimes. He is an internationally recognized expert in the fields of sex crimes and abduction/homicides. Today he is the Founder/CEO of XG Productions, a cross-platform development and production company. He co-hosts the WONDERY podcasts: REAL CRIME PROFILE, BEST CASE WORST CASE. and hosts LOCKED UP ABROAD. He is a Writer/Producer for Criminal Minds and The Case Of: JonBenet Ramsey on CBS, as well as the Co-Creator of Manhunt: Unabomber on NETFLIX. He also Executive Produced the upcoming series: TRUTH & JUSTICE and COLONIAL PARKWAY MURDERS on OXYGEN Network. Clemente authored his first novel, WITHOUT CONSENT, based on his true story and co-authored the non-fiction Audible series, EVIL HAS A NAME.To connect with Jim Clemente: Twitter | Instagram | Facebook | Real Crime Profile | Best Case Worst Case | XG Productions____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction or depression, we've compiled a list of resources on the Secret Life Website: https://secretlifepodcast.comTo share your secret and be a guest on the show, email secretlifepodcast@icloud.comTo find out more information about Brianne's book Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict, check out the website: https://secretlifenovel.com or at Amazon_____HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Subscribe, Rate & Review: Apple PodcastsFollow & Listen Spotify | Stitcher | Google PodcastsSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonateYou can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne DavisOfficial WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark GanttMain WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Karen shares her powerful story of growing up in an alcoholic home and the impact it had on her life, including her struggle with emotional suppression and disconnection. Tune in to hear Karen's journey towards healing, self-discovery, and finding peace within herself. She offers insightful advice for those dealing with addiction in their lives and emphasizes the importance of seeking support and approaching these situations with curiosity and compassion. This podcast is a must-listen for anyone looking to overcome past traumas and experiences and connect with themselves and others on a deeper level._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.comABOUT OUR GUEST:Karen Maloney“Your life is like a mirror reflecting your beliefs to you.” Life wasn't always how it is now. To many people I may look and appear the same, but INSIDE I feel like a completely different person. Just like a computer, I've installed a whole new operating system. I've deleted old files & replaced them with new programs instead (i.e. habits, beliefs, thoughts etc) and revolutionised my internal world, shifting the way I think and what I believe about myself. Everything comes from within – ‘as within, so without'. It's been life-changing for me and I know it can be the same for you!Now I can see CLEARLY that for most of my life I lived in the baseline energy of fear. I lived my life in ‘freeze' mode. I felt disassociated, unsafe, anxious and I felt awkward being myself. I judged myself harshly (always trying to be perfect!) and my brain went a 100 miles and hour. But for the most part I never realised there was anything wrong with that. It was my ‘normal'. I thought it was a sign of my ambition and drive. Out of an unconscious fear, I lived from the level of my mind. I thought if I can think, plan, control and rationalise everything in my mind, I would be safe. That need for control provided me with a sense of safety and security inside, that I didn't feel in the external world. But it also lead to burnout. Find out MORE: Soulpowerlight.comCuriosity & Consciousness Podcast_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Karen: Often a child who grew up in an alcoholic home can have difficulties with trust, with identifying, expressing feelings. And they either go one of two ways totally controlled, or feeling like they have no control over their life. This is 1 million% describing me.[0:00:23] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict. A four-time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave, or, you know, those light or funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really.[0:01:23] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, where, why of it all. Today. My guest is Karen. Now, Karen, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?[0:01:37] Karen: I grew up in an alcoholic home. And actually, the impact that it had on me that I totally did not connect the dots to that at all.[0:01:48] Brianne Davis: Like the denial of what living in an alcoholic home does to you.[0:01:53] Karen: Yeah, well, I don't even because there's so many different I suppose that word was never used. It wasn't a thing. It wasn't as if my dad was out all day every day and coming home drunk and crawling havoc and messing up the place and all this kind of thing. No, he totally worked all day, but he went out every single night and came home, particularly when I was a child, I remember him coming home drunk, like, absolutely obliterated, and I hated it. And I always just wanted to be in bed and I would be like, oh, please don't come in and wake me up. Because sometimes he would he'd come in and he'd wake me up and that's when he'd be like, oh my God, I love you so much. profusing his undying love. And sometimes he passed out as well. With life an arm over me. And as a child, I was just terrified.[0:02:41] Brianne Davis: So terrifying. That overwhelming. It's almost like when a family member would do that, it was like you didn't know what to do with all that energy coming at you.[0:02:53] Karen: Yeah, and that's when I literally stopped breathing. Because as a child and before the age of seven, we're literally in PETA. We've been programmed. It's like we're in a hypnotized state again. I'm looking back now as a journey of discovery and healing and connecting all the dots, but I didn't know this at the time. But that's when I stopped breathing, I'd be so terrified. I went into freeze mode because even my dad, if he passed out with his arm over me, I would stop breathing because I'd be like, I don't want to wake him, because if he starts producing his love again, the smell of drink, it's just not cool for a child. And I live my life in that freeze mode.[0:03:39] Brianne Davis: Like, you would realize you were holding your breath.[0:03:43] Karen: And especially if I felt triggered or vulnerable or particularly when it came to relationships and opening up and expressing feelings and emotions, life, I just did not do that. I was a closed book. And if ever I felt in that space of needing to open up, I would go in that freeze mode. It was like, stop breathing. Shut down. Yes.[0:04:05] Brianne Davis: I want to ask you, so I've taken breath class. As an actor, you work with your breath and all. My teacher told me that I breathe just in my chest, and I didn't connect my breath to my belly. And the lower area, is that how you life? I guess I was disconnected too.[0:04:25] Karen: Yeah, upper chest breathing. Because I've studied a lot and done a couple of courses while on breath work. And that upper chest breathing, is that really kind of panic, fight or flight you're passing extra cortisol you're in fight or flight, essentially. You're not in that rest or digest, like, full, deep, diaphragmic breaths that allow oxygenated blood to pass around your body. So, yeah, it does have an impact. But it's so funny because recently I joined Alanon, and honestly, by joining there and that's through another episode of a person close to me drinking. And I was just like, oh, my God. Even with all my skills, all my tools, all my practices, I couldn't cope. It was really triggering me. So I was like, oh, my God, I need help here.[0:05:12] Brianne Davis: Wait, let's not jump ahead, though. Wait, let's go back. I have a couple of questions. Okay. You're like, I know exactly what I want to say, but no. When your household was in that state so he drank every night. He was a functioning alcoholic. It sounds life.[0:05:27] Karen: Now you can look back and go, yeah, absolutely. Because he was up every morning, went to work.[0:05:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah. And that's the hardest ones to diagnose. If your life is not falling to pieces, it's hard to be like, oh, I have a problem.[0:05:39] Karen: Yeah.[0:05:40] Brianne Davis: So was there a word you guys used for when he was in that state, or was it just not talked about?[0:05:46] Karen: No, like I say, it was not mentioned. That word was never brought up. It was never an issue. It was just like and honestly, when I look back, I didn't see it as an issue. I didn't think, oh, my God, my dad goes out every night. It was just like a normal as far as I knew, it's what everyone did.[0:06:04] Brianne Davis: Wait and where are you from?[0:06:06] Karen: Ireland.[0:06:06] Brianne Davis: Ireland, that's it. You're Irish, right? But I'm Irish too and it's like a lot of people I hear say, well, Irish just drink a lot. Like it's our culture, it's the society we were raised in. Yeah.[0:06:19] Karen: And it definitely was part that. But I could see as well, it was probably his bit of a wind down his sanctuary where he met his buddies and they all catched up, caught up, but also when it's every single night of the year. The only two nights he didn't go out was Good Friday because the pubs were closed during Christmas Day because the pubs were closed and I do not remember a single day when he did not go. That's just how it was. But like I'm saying, it was just so normalized and I think this is what happens a lot in trauma or whatever kind of situation. They're just so normal. You don't see that there's any issue. They're just like your blind spots and those particularly coming home life really drunk and kind of waking us up in the middle of the night to tell us he loves us so much, in that I remember that happening literally a handful of times. But when I was really young, like five, six, seven, maybe around that age, it didn't happen as we got older, but he still went out. But it happened enough times for me to live my life in a programmed state of that not feeling safe, that fear, that living in freeze mode, shutting down. That's what we do.[0:07:40] Brianne Davis: You're supposed to rely on, is not in a healthy state. So the boundaries are crossed. Like your boundaries were crossed as a little girl. A father should not be climbing in bed and passing out drunk with his arm over his daughter. Is that when you had that AHA moment? Because you had it after we talked, right? Like we talked on your podcast. So how did that AHA moment realize, I know you have another family member that's also an alcoholic. Can you connect all those dots when this moment of AHA happened for you?[0:08:13] Karen: Yeah, my AHA moment when it all connected and I really saw the impact that those events had on me was like I mentioned, just another family member and just me not being able to cope and I was like, oh hell, I need help here.[0:08:30] Brianne Davis: And did something happen with the other family member? Did the person bottom out or just.[0:08:37] Karen: Every now and again they're just not in a good place, don't have healthy supportive habits. So it's just kind of like, well, I don't give a shit anyway, so I'm just going to go and get obliterated and maybe on a weekly Davis would just be obliterated and awake all night and singing and Wake Me up and I'm just like, what the fuck? So I was just life, oh my God, I need help here. Because obviously again, that's a coping mechanism and they're not ready to do anything else. But it was really triggering me more than anything else because, like, that I have so many tools and skills of and have been on this journey. So I reached out to Alanon and it's so funny because obviously there's so many groups, but it's not funny because there's no such thing as coincidence. But I ended up joining a group called growing up in an Alcoholic Home. And even though looking at it, I was life. Yeah, but that's not really the truth because you have this idea that Narcolic is drunk all day every day and calls him mayhem, which happens.[0:09:35] Brianne Davis: But I was grown up and well, they call Alanon, just so anybody's listening, you don't have to have a drunk parent to be an Alanon. I also went to Alanon. Neither of my parents were drinkers, but it was a dysfunctional family. So they say Alanon's for alcoholic or dysfunctional family, or if you have a.[0:09:52] Karen: Relative or friend, they say, yeah.[0:09:57] Brianne Davis: Well, they're another addiction. Like, my mom is a workaholic. She'll say that other family members had problems. But yeah.[0:10:04] Karen: So this group jumped out at me and at first I was like, no, I'm not going to join that one. I didn't really grow up in the Melcolic home, but then I was like, because this was a Friday and I was like, I really want to just join now. So this was a Saturday morning, so it was the next day. So I was like, yeah, I'm just going to join it. And oh my God. On their opening paragraph, even they describe this adult child and they describe this person who as a child, if they grew up in an alcoholic home and if they often felt either physically unsafe or psychologically unsafe, and that was obviously me, psychologically unsafe.[0:10:44] Brianne Davis: When a parent crosses a line that is just unsure and not normal, which happened to me, I wasn't as sexually abused by a parent, but there was some line crossing where boundaries that is inappropriate for a child. So if you're out there and something has happened where you're like, well, it wasn't sexual abuse, but it definitely made me really uncomfortable as a child. It was too intimate and it was emotionally a meshing and physically meshing a little bit. You're okay to say something happened and I'm uncomfortable, even if it wasn't sexual? I just have to say that because it was so hard for me doing the work to be like, but nothing sexual happened. And my therapist would be like, no, it was inappropriate at six years old for this to happen to you. So I just have to say that because I had the hardest time admitting that to myself.[0:11:35] Karen: Yeah, no, for sure, you're right. And it does make sense, as I say, although I didn't feel physically unsafe. Of course it makes sense. Like you say, yes, absolutely. Boundaries were crossed that's just not normal behavior, definitely, but, like, that it was more a psychological effect for me and how I life. But they had this paragraph on an adult child and how it impacts them, how often a child who grew up in an alcoholic home can have difficulties with trust, with identifying, expressing feelings. And they either go one of two ways total control or feeling like they have no control over their life. And I swear to God, my jaw dropped on the ground because I was like, this is 1 million% describing me and how I operated in my life. I was a total and not sure control freak because I suppose I didn't feel safe. So I had this story. And again, this was all unconscious at the time. This is through the inner work and the uncovering that my story that I was telling myself was if I could control everything outside of myself, I was safe.[0:12:39] Brianne Davis: Yeah.[0:12:40] Karen: And we obviously can't live that way. It's exhausting. We can control nothing.[0:12:44] Brianne Davis: I was saying I love power and control because that's the only thing I felt, because I felt so not in control of everything. And you can't yeah, you can't go through life trying to have power and control over anyone.[0:12:56] Karen: No, but I did. But more so, even over myself. And it was overanalyzing. It was overly critical. I was overly independent. Like, I was just like, I'll do it all myself. I don't want anyone to help me. I didn't want to ask for help. Life just that pure perfectionism. And that just feeling uncomfortable being myself. And a lot of people do it, but that editing, altering, censoring ourselves in order to be liked, to be accepted by others. And again, it wasn't conscious to me at the time. I wasn't going around going I was the most disingenuous person ever. No, I was completely oblivious. I just felt so unsafe and unconnected and uncomfortable being me that this is just what I did.[0:13:40] Karen: And I see I carried so much embarrassment. I really had so much underlying shame and embarrassment, and I was afraid to be seen. I didn't want to be seen. Why were you hired?[0:13:52] Brianne Davis: Can you explain?[0:13:54] Karen: I was embarrassed because if and I remember, I didn't like having friends staying over purely for the fact I was like, oh, my God, imagine if they stayed and he came in in the middle of night, waking us up, saying all this shite. I was just, like, so embarrassed.[0:14:08] Brianne Davis: Right?[0:14:09] Karen: And that's really where it came from. It was just that pure embarrassment of having someone over and seen this behavior or feel behavior that stuck with me. And still at times, because sometimes our wounds, they're always there. No matter the healing we do, we get triggered. And even recently, life last week, I was meditating on the couch in the sitting room, and next thing I heard my brother coming in, and I got really embarrassed. I was like, oh my God, I'm going to stop. But I've done it so much now it's in that moment going, no, that's an old story.[0:14:45] Brianne Davis: That's life. Life.[0:14:46] Karen: And I just stay there, I'm safe, all is good. Who cares if he sees me? Life, let him think what he wants. It's totally fine.[0:14:56] Brianne Davis: Has this affected your romantic relationships?[0:15:00] Karen: Totally, yeah. And again, it was all unconscious. But now I can see how and just to say before I go into this, that AHA moment was joining that group and actually seeing because just connecting the dots and it's just like all the cards fell and it was like, oh my God. That really did have that much of an impact on me because it crossed my mind before and I was like that's when I stopped breathing. But I kind of thought that was it. But no, it was everything in how I was. And because that feeling of not being safe or being afraid to be myself, wanting to kind of hide and being that control freak and perfectionist and overly independent, that obviously put me in my masculine energy. I lived in my masculine energy.[0:15:53] Brianne Davis: Me too.[0:15:56] Karen: Which again, when I saw that I was like, oh my God, we're so blind.[0:16:01] Brianne Davis: But that's the thing. I think a lot of women go to the masculine energy when they feel unsafe. As a child, when you have to walk on eggshells with someone in your household at such a young age, not knowing what you're going to get, if it's a rager, if it's drinking, if it's overly infectionate, all that stuff, you usually turn to the masculine energy because it shuts you down and it protects you.[0:16:23] Karen: Well, it kept me in my head. I was totally disconnected from my body. I lived from the level of mind that thinking, planning, doing. Like if I could think every aspect of us, it's going to be fine, I could control us, I could think my way out of things, overanalyze and.[0:16:38] Brianne Davis: Figure it out completely, which doesn't burnish.[0:16:43] Karen: Because you cannot live there. But again, it was so normal to me because I'm a really ambitious and driven person and I thought my constant striving and pushing and hustling and efforting, I thought that was a sign of oh, that's a sign of my ambition. Like, I didn't see that it was so detrimental. So because I lived at that masculine energy, I obviously was attracting people who were men, who were more in their feminine and who just couldn't hold space to me because energy always has to balance. And again, I was just such a closed book. I just couldn't open, I couldn't express. I was life just kind of numb inside. I was just like, oh, shut down. So totally. Yeah, it impacted everything, but especially relationships. And like, that not even just intimate. Even some of my closest relationships with friends. I remember years and years ago we were on holidays and a friend of mine, one of my best friends, even said to me, she was just like she's just like, who are you? I just don't even know who you are. You don't share.[0:17:48] Karen: And I was like, oh, my God.[0:17:50] Brianne Davis: How long did you have this friendship? How long were you guys?[0:17:52] Karen: Oh, we've been friends since primary school.[0:17:55] Brianne Davis: Wow. To have somebody that you've known that long be life, who are you? Yeah, because I were never completely available.[0:18:04] Karen: Not on an emotional level. Never. I was terrified. I didn't know how to speak about emotions. I didn't know how to express feelings. I didn't know how because, again, one of what happened. But two, we're not taught that inside society. We're not taught how to process emotions, how to feel them, how to release them. So, yeah, it was that. And actually oh, my God, this is so awful that I remember, like, an early boyfriend as well, who I really, really liked and like, that I liked him so much. I was terrified. Again, that fear of being yourself. I was like, Fear of fear. But even more, it was how I acted, what I said. I just had this fear of he doesn't life me because I like him so much.[0:18:46] Karen: So it's that editing that constantly not feeling comfortable in yourself, to just be yourself. It's trying to be that perfect person. And I remember at one stage and we were going out and I remember one day he gave me a big hug. We just met and he gave me a big hook. And he was like, I don't know what's wrong with you? He's like, It's like you're dead inside.[0:19:08] Brianne Davis: What age?[0:19:10] Karen: Oh, my God. I was like, early teens, late teens, late teens.[0:19:13] Brianne Davis: Like 1617?[0:19:15] Karen: Yeah, probably 1718.[0:19:17] Brianne Davis: Wow.[0:19:18] Karen: Like, around that age. Those kind of comments obviously don't help a person to try.[0:19:25] Brianne Davis: Were you confused or did you brush it off? Did you guys? What happened after that? I'm just curious.[0:19:31] Karen: Yeah, well, obviously, we kind of still went out for a bit, but obviously, it didn't go very far. But as I got older, I was more curious. I was like, Why? Because, again, like I'm saying, this was all unconscious. I didn't connect.[0:19:49] Brianne Davis: It's those secrets that we keep from ourselves. We are crazy.[0:19:54] Karen: And that's why the inner work is going within. Because what we carry unconsciously to ourselves are our blind spots. So, yes, I had a curiosity and I was like, what's wrong with me? Why can't I feel this huge joy and kind of safety and things like that? That's what led me on my path of healing and discovery and intimacy.[0:20:15] Brianne Davis: I know, but what you just said was really important. When you dead in the feelings of not being wanted or not being enough or scared of intimacy or being loved and all that, you dead in everything. That's what my therapy you dead in the joy. You don't get to pick and choose what emotional you don't actually feel all of them.[0:20:36] Karen: And you know what's even funny? I remember that's why Brennan Brown's talk, the Power of Vulnerability is one of my favorite ever. It is brilliant. And I remember when I first watched that, probably in 2015 or 2016, I was going out with a guy and he was going through different issues or whatever, and he was a bit shut down, obviously, as well. But again, I was totally unconscious. And I remember I watched that Ted Talk and my mind was blown. And she literally says that at the end, she was like, you can't pick and choose emotions. If you're shut down to one, you're shut down to all of them.[0:21:13] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I heard that twelve years ago. And it just blew my mind when she said that, because I was like, wow. That's why I feel like I never am fully joyous, because I was so dead. And I didn't want to feel anything because as an addict, I don't want to feel anything. Like, I just want to feel euphoria. 24/7. If I can't feel that, I don't want to feel anything else.[0:21:33] Karen: But I remember watching that mind blown. Loved it. But then I was like, that's what's wrong with my boyfriend, trying to get him to watch it. And it just blows my mind now, because again, it's that thing of everything as a reflection. It's not outside of us, it's something within us as well. But again, I was so unconscious. And it even makes sense now as well, because I traveled for years after university and life, you're saying there as well. I just couldn't feel the full expression of anything. I was just pretty much like, pretty numb to everything. And people you'll be watching this incredible sunset and people are like, oh my God, it's so incredible. Newly cried. And I'm like, yeah, it's ground, like.[0:22:12] Brianne Davis: Trying to set like, can we go now?[0:22:14] Karen: Yeah. Trying to kind of fake this, going, oh, yeah. And I'm like going, how are they getting so excited about this? I'm like, It's beautiful, but I just can't feel it. Whereas now I'm that person that I'm like. I'm like crying at the sunset, going, oh my God, it's so beautiful. Nature is so powerful, but I just live my life numb. And again, I just wasn't even aware.[0:22:36] Brianne Davis: Can I just say, too, it was really fascinating when you said about the boyfriend, and I just want to point out, and I always love to take these things because they're tips. Like, if anyone's listening and you keep picking that unavailable person, and it's because something in you is unavailable. You pick those people because you're unavailable. And that's when you go inward. Life, you said you have to do the inner work. If there's drama or you're not feeling what everybody else is feeling, usually there's something we're cut off from.[0:23:05] Karen: Yeah, and that's exactly why they say everything does start from within. If we can't feel the full expression of love, of joy, of whatever within us, first and foremost, nothing outside of us can make us feel it. Yes, they can augment it, they can make it bigger, but they cannot make us feel anything that we do not or have activated within ourselves first. So that's why it's all from within. It all starts from within everything. If it's not happening on the external, it's because of something that we hold within a limiting belief, a subconscious pattern, something. And that's why through my own journey and all my learnings and all these AHA like faceplant moments going, oh my God, how could I be so blind? But that's part of the journey. It's not when you have these uncoverings, it's not to get even harder on yourself. It's kind of to be like, oh, well, now I know. Now I've got something.[0:23:58] Brianne Davis: Now you're gentle, you have compassion and empathy, saying, oh, these are the things that happen. This is why I'm the way I am. And now I need to work on them because you can't carry around that baggage through your life or you're responsible for your behavior now that you know. But here's the thing, and I want to ask you, I want to get back to now there's a person in your life. Is your father still around? I wanted to ask.[0:24:22] Karen: No, he passed away ten years ago this year of cancer. But obviously it was all connected. And it's funny, actually, he mentioned to me close to the end, he said to me one day, he was like, you know what, Karen? I always thought I was an alcoholic and the drink would kill me. And he was like, and here I am with cancer. But it was cold on cancer. So there was obviously a connection.[0:24:47] Brianne Davis: Now you are dealing with someone in your life that is drinking a lot, right?[0:24:53] Karen: Yeah. On a weekly basis, kind of going.[0:24:57] Brianne Davis: So how are you dealing with that? How are you taking care of yourself now that you know this journey and you know what you've been through and you have the tools and you're with other people like mine going through the same thing. How? Karen, you dealing with someone you care about having the same disease, and it's.[0:25:15] Karen: Hard the closer the person is to you because you want to. And especially when you've been on a healing journey, you want to share all these tools and everything. I know, right?[0:25:25] Brianne Davis: And they're like, no, I'm not interested. Leave me alone. That happens to me on a daily basis. It's the most heartbreaking when you're like, no, it's heartbreaking the way you can be better. You don't have to be living like this. And they're, like, not interested.[0:25:37] Karen: Yeah, totally. And that's a really hard part. But it's about making peace with that as well. And I suppose for me now, for years, I have so many daily practices. Like it is my jam to be meditating, to be praying, to be doing yoga, to be conscious all day, every day, that is me. And even more so when I feel triggered in this particular situation. But also it was that extra level of me reaching out to get help from Alanon and be in a like minded group of people who are experiencing the same, to just be able to share because a word you mentioned there as well. When you go on this healing journey and really connect back to yourself, you gain so much compassion for yourself going, wow. It's that thing of when we know better, we do better. But that compassion. Again, like I said before, we have to activate things within ourselves. So the fact that I activated it within myself, for myself, I actually extend that to others. So even to my dad, I have huge compassion for him because I'm like, shit, I don't know what was going on in his life.[0:26:39] Brianne Davis: Yeah, what he went through, you have no idea. It's that empathy that we get to have now because we see that we're all going through something nobody does. Hurt people, hurt people and people are trying to function. But yeah, you look at it from a different angle, totally.[0:26:55] Karen: And I don't think anyone is innately bad, so I do that as well in this situation. And also it's the bigger picture of the higher consciousness that we are a soul, we are a spirit having a human experience. And I'm life just because I think it's bad or it's wrong or it's not the best way. I don't know what another soul is here to experience and to go through and it's just to try, hold, to look after myself. But to hold that space of compassion and love and be just like look, I know you're going through a difficult time. I'm here. Please let me know if I can do anthem. But I also know it's your journey and I fully love you. And giving them that space as well, I think is huge. And I know for us it's made a massive difference because although it hurts and it pains, again, it's not my life. Everyone's here to experience their own things and again, I know it's because of something else that's going on and they know as well. And when they're ready to look at another way, then it'll be their time and it's being okay with that. And I think that's the full truth of awakening, of responsibility, it is that making peace with everyone and anyone, however they're living their life, it's like, okay, maybe it's not my choice, but I don't want to take my anger or because you're not meeting my expectations out on you. That's my piece to deal with. If I am triggered, because that's what they say, nothing can affect me unless I have an unhealed wound within me, unless it's touching something within.[0:28:24] Karen: Me. So it's that constant invitation, and that's the way I looked at it. I'm like, it's an invitation for me to go deeper into my work. And I am so grateful. And I've said this to him as well. I'm like, oh, my God. I'm so grateful, actually, that you're going through this phase, because it has pushed me to go deeper within myself. And now I've connected with this whole community that I am growing and learning so much. And I'm like, oh, my God. And it is helping him. He's like, wow, that's really interesting. And he's starting to look for other avenues in that. So we just never know. And it's really hard the closer someone is. But it's not about getting anger, calling, just telling them to get their shit together and stop being such an asshole or whatever.[0:29:08] Karen: And that's really hard. But it's always our work. It's always our piece.[0:29:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I 100% agree. And I love talking to you. We could talk forever. But I have one more question before we go. If someone is dealing with an alcoholic or an addict and they don't know how to have a relationship or move forward, what would be your last bit of advice that you wish you would have heard a long time ago? Yeah.[0:29:35] Karen: Well, again, I suppose because it depends where you're at in your journey, because for so long, I was so unconscious, I didn't even see the connection. So curiosity is such an incredible tool. Like, if we live a life of curiosity and more curiosity about ourselves, why am I getting so angry? What is it touching within me? Why am I you know, can I not hold a space of.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Adam and Drew start things off by examining drug addiction and the realities behind the motivation of addiction. Later, Adam explains the differences between analog and digital people, specifically how much easier it is to have a productive conversation with a fellow analog. And finally, they go to the phones where they speak with a caller who is trying to figure out why she is perpetually finding herself attracted to drug addicts and alcoholics.

Grateful recovering alcoholic Tess shares her journey to sobriety and the role of addiction in coping with chaos. With raw honesty, she delves into the underlying issues driving her drinking and how recovery programs like AA have been a source of support and relatability. Alongside Secret Life host, Brianne Davis-Gantt, they dive into the role of ego in human behavior and how recovery has shifted their focus from self-serving to being of service to others. This thought-provoking episode sheds light on the struggles of addiction and inspires listeners to attend meetings and hear other people's stories to find support in recovery._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterSecret Life Podcast - Ep 144 - Tess: I'm a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic TRANSCRIPT[0:00:00] Tess: Like, addiction, you know, life.[0:00:01] Brianne Davis: What?[0:00:02] Tess: Like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, Look, I don't I know you guys are like, a top rated place in the country, but you have no idea what you're doing. These are my exact words. I'm like, if I'm an addict or an alcoholic, and so is every other 23-year-old in La. Like, to write famous last words.[0:00:21] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves and others. You know those deep, dark secrets you probably want to go to our grave with are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all.[0:01:25] Brianne Davis: Today guest is Tess. Now, Tess, I have a question for you. What is your secret?[0:01:34] Tess: Hi, I'm Tess, and I am grateful for recovering alcoholic.[0:01:39] Brianne Davis: Wow, I really liked that. That was very profession like. We were in a meeting.[0:01:43] Tess: Thank you.[0:01:46] Brianne Davis: Sometimes I have to say, when people used to say grateful and whatever their addiction was, I used to get annoyed with them.[0:01:52] Tess: Oh, it's the worst at the beginning.[0:01:54] Brianne Davis: When you don't understand, like, spare me. But I love it now. It's such yes, because I am a grateful, sex and love addict. And when I hear people say that, I'm like, OOH, that sounds gross, but it's a blessing. Do you find that 100%?[0:02:11] Tess: I find that it's a blessing. It took me a little bit to get to that spot where I really did feel grateful and that it all happened kind of for a greater good, but definitely take some hard work to get to that place.[0:02:24] Brianne Davis: So when did this problem start with you? With alcohol?[0:02:28] Tess: Well, I'm 27 now. And you're a baby. I'm a baby. I'll have three years on October 13, which I'm really excited about. So I did get sober young, but I always hear in meetings, because we go to so many of them, that you kind of grow up in the rooms and either AA or NA or whatever program that you're in kind of teaches you how to live a sober, happy, healthy life. And I feel like sometimes we grow up and we don't learn those huge AHA moments, but I really feel like I have kind of grown up in this program.[0:03:06] Brianne Davis: So when did the drinking start? For you? What age?[0:03:10] Tess: I would say the first time I consciously remember drinking to life, what if I was upset or to numb? Kind of like that was 16, which I felt was kind of I don't want to say average. I mean, everyone's story is so different, but for me, it was 16, and then it really kind of took off next level when I was in college.[0:03:30] Brianne Davis: So can you take us through that progression for you?[0:03:34] Tess: Sure. I mean, growing up, my family is from Germany, and, you know, everything always looked kind of perfect from the outside. I was really good at making sure everything looked great.[0:03:46] Brianne Davis: Life.[0:03:46] Tess: I was good at school. I did all the extra curriculars. I have friends, I had a boyfriend, whatever it was, I always make sure it looks really pretty from the outside, and that's a really hard facade to keep up as things start kind of crumbling down beneath you. And I was in college when things kind of really started to spin out of control, and things really started to take it up a notch. So, yeah, that's kind of when I noticed that I had a really close friends of mine pulling me aside and say, hey, what's going on? This is getting out of hand.[0:04:19] Brianne Davis: But what were those behaviors that they were noticing that was getting out of hand? Were you at parties? Would you just life?[0:04:25] Tess: Yeah, I would be going out every single night, and I was always really good at making things look like I had it under control. Right. That's like the attic thing. No, I got it. It's all good. I got it. Don't worry about me. Everything's fine. And so I was really good at making it look like I had it under control until I didn't have it under control. So I would be going out every single night. I didn't think I was hurting anybody because it was like my own actions and my stuff. Right. That's the classic. I wasn't hurting anyone or doing anything, which is just so not true. So, yeah, I would say it took me about four years, and then I love to kind of escape.[0:05:03] Tess: And if I was feeling a certain way on the inside, I had to find external validation and go out and have superficial friendships and superficial things to make me have that whole my stomach and in my heart feel complete. You know what I mean?[0:05:20] Brianne Davis: Yeah, completely. Yes. So I love filling that void, that empty. I always say it's life, that empty part in your soul that we just keep filling it with attention, buying dresses, makeup, life, eating life. We just keep filling it. And it's insatiable. It never is full 100%. So do you feel like your pattern definitely was, like, out in clubs with superficial people? Life was that tied into it?[0:05:52] Tess: All tied into it 100%. So that's part of the story. Right. And then I actually went to school in the south. I went to school in Dallas, and then I moved to La. Which then is just like the Super Bowls, kind of that kind of situation.[0:06:05] Brianne Davis: And I really just come to La. It seems like we're just why we.[0:06:11] Tess: Have such a great recovery program. They always say wherever there's high levels of addiction, there's great levels of recovery, which is true. Yeah.[0:06:19] Brianne Davis: La is a breeding ground for that.[0:06:22] Tess: That's so funny. Yeah. But I made my way to La. And I was there for eight months before I went to treatment, so that was a pretty fast descend, I would guess.[0:06:31] Brianne Davis: So what was that bottom moment? There was a lot of things.[0:06:39] Tess: I have a two part story. I went to treatment in January 2017, but I didn't necessarily go for addiction. I went for trauma, depression, and anxiety, because that, like, overwhelming. You know when you have that hole and it feels like it's eating up inside you? It was just getting so overwhelming.[0:06:55] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Like a snake life. I wanted to peel my skin and crawl out of my skin.[0:07:00] Tess: Exactly. So I just kind of felt like that, and it was kept growing and growing to the point where I just felt like if this is what life was like, I didn't want to do it anymore. I'm like, this isn't fun. This isn't a good time. I don't get the point. Life dark thoughts and things like that, but I was just like, I need help. The first time I voiced that, and that was eight months after La. But I still didn't think I was an addict or an alcoholic. I wasn't even going for that. That wasn't even crossed my mind. I was like, I just need to figure out how not to feel so shitty all the time. I didn't even think that drugs and alcohol were a correlation to that.[0:07:37] Brianne Davis: Let me ask you a question, though. You said you just didn't want to be living anymore. Did you actually have suicidal thoughts or you just didn't want to be on this planet? Life, you were like, I'm kind of done.[0:07:49] Tess: I just didn't get it. I was life so negative, and I just felt like everyone was always happy, had that friend or that happiness, and I was like, so I missed how to Be Happy 101 class. I missed a day of school or something because everyone seems to have figured it out but me. And so that's how I felt, but I didn't know that's. Just like the underlying any type of ism alcoholism or whatever, however they talk about it in meetings. That's kind of the thing of, like, am I not enough? I'm not good enough. Why does everyone have this but me? It's kind of all the same underlying system, right?[0:08:21] Brianne Davis: Yeah, they all are the exact same.[0:08:24] Tess: Yeah. So I went to treatment, but I just wanted to figure out not to be so miserable, you fill out those giant questionnaires when you get there. Like 40 pages, 50 pages of every question you could ever be asked. And I meet with the counselor for the first time, and he's like, okay, so we're going to put you on addiction track one. Like, addiction?[0:08:43] Brianne Davis: What?[0:08:44] Tess: What are you talking about? And I'm like, Look, I know you guys are, like, a top rated place in the country, but you have no idea what you're doing. These are my exact words if I'm an addict or an alcoholic, and so is every other 23 year old in La. To write famous last words.[0:09:00] Brianne Davis: I love it. I love it when people come to my program and they're like, I don't have a problem. I just don't want to be with this person. Really? You're walking in the room, you kind of saying, you have a problem.[0:09:11] Tess: So I had kind of no idea what it was all about, but I started learning a lot, right? Because whenever you're in a treatment program or somewhere for 30 days with no outside contact, all you do is you really get to focus on yourself and your issues and kind of like, what makes you tick. So I was really grateful for the opportunity. I was actually so excited to get to treatment because I remember I was like the drug driver that picks you up from the airport to take you to the center. I was like, don't take this the wrong way, but I've never seen someone so happy come here, right? He's like, all my people are kicking and screaming or upset. He just said, you just seem so happy. And I was life. Look, I know there's no way in the hell that I'm leaving this place worse off than when I came in, which was true. I learned so much, and it was incredible.[0:09:55] Brianne Davis: Did you think it was that pink cloud moment? Did you have that where you're like, okay, this will be the answer? This will fix me?[0:10:03] Tess: Yes, until treatment is a very protected area. And then they're like, well, you should do sober living. You should do aisle pieceway. Did all those things. And then I returned back to La. But then life started getting hard, and shit started happening, and life got really tough really quickly.[0:10:19] Brianne Davis: I find that to be true. I find that the people that go to treatment and then there's always slips afterwards than if you just stay in where you are and then go to meetings, is it different? Exactly, because it's like taking you out of your it's safer in the treatment center, but then you have to come out and learn how to relive again in your life with these tools while you're still trying to go through this withdrawal and stuff. Am I right?[0:10:50] Tess: Yeah. I was in treatment for 30 days, so I didn't have any withdrawals or anything at home. But then I went to sober living and did that I think for two weeks. And then I was like, look, my apartment is so close to here, I'm just going to stay there and I'll go to Iop and I'll do all the courses and that kind of stuff. So I did that until June. So that was February till June of more intensive therapy and stuff like that. But then life started getting really tough. I had a friend who died of a Fentanyl overdose at the end of June. He was like 23 years old. And that's when you're like, oh shit, this is real. This actually happens. And so that was a really hard thing to understand because it was someone so unassuming. You're like, oh, that person has it all together. They're doing great. You know what I mean?[0:11:41] Brianne Davis: Yeah.[0:11:42] Tess: And then that kind of was one of the reasons. And then I had two more instances. One where a really close friend of mine was also in the ICU because of drugs. And then the last one was I came home and my roommate was having some type of overdose from Xanax. And so I was like, if every single person in my life has been closest to me over the past, you know, ten months or so, however long it was, is like dying or nearly dead. Like, I just feel like I was dancing with the devil. And so like, that night after I went home from to my roommate and she was in the hospital, I was like, never again. I can't do this. Because I felt like I was next. So that was October 12, and then my sobriety date was October 13.[0:12:30] Brianne Davis: Wow. What? So sad. But at the same time, that's such a God shot for you to like.[0:12:38] Tess: Touch that God shot in your face.[0:12:40] Brianne Davis: And it's like, this is going to be you next. Look at all these people around you and you have a chance to save yourself.[0:12:46] Tess: And the beautiful part of that story is that both of those other two people are now sober as well.[0:12:51] Brianne Davis: That makes me so nice.[0:12:54] Tess: I know it's very full circle and it's very interesting, right?[0:13:00] Brianne Davis: But here's a question that just hit me, and I don't know if you even know how to answer it, but you're younger than me. And I feel like I've been sober for eleven years now and sex and love addiction, but I feel like recently younger and younger people are coming into recovery programs. Twelve step and all that, because I feel like the younger generations are even more disconnected. Are you finding that true with your generation and everything going on?[0:13:35] Tess: I don't know what it was like previously, obviously, but for right now there's definitely I'm not the only one. Look at it that way. There's definitely a lot of young women, cool women are meetings because I definitely go to women's meetings more. They're full people of all ages, young, older, the whole nine yards.[0:13:56] Brianne Davis: Yeah, the gamut of people.[0:13:58] Tess: Sure, there's everyone. But for me, I know getting sober was I had that hole, right? And I kept trying to fill it and nothing was ever filling it. And then when I started getting some clarity and some momentum about what was actually happening around me, the greatest shot that I have to live a life with someone that I'm proud of and I'm proud of who I am and the life of true happiness is to do it sober. And so I was really lucky that I got that revelation at a young point in life, because some people it takes a little bit longer and everyone has their own past and that's totally incredible. But for me, I was really fortunate that I picked it up very young.[0:14:37] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, my husband, which he talks about, but he got sober at 19.[0:14:42] Tess: That's incredible.[0:14:44] Brianne Davis: And he got sober at 19. But what I was talking about is life with the social media, everything being out there, all your personal stuff, this filter society we live in, where you put filters and you make it look perfect, I feel. And I'm getting the gist that more and more people are disconnected from their reality and living.[0:15:08] Tess: I would agree, for sure. Which is why I love having these types of conversations. And it's interesting, right? Because I would think, what would it be like if I didn't have an outlet life? AA. Right? That's when you hear the really raw conversations, emotion, all the ups and the downs, life, you hear all of it. But if you don't have the privilege of having a program like that, where do you find that kind of support of that type of authenticity? I don't know. I feel like it would be difficult.[0:15:36] Brianne Davis: I don't think it exists anywhere else, honestly, unless you're at a therapist office and you're sitting with a therapist. But a community where people come in and just tell all their shit and all their dirty laundry and they just put it out there and say, I am feeling empty and alone. I mean, where does people say that right now in society?[0:15:57] Tess: I mean, 100% agree with you. I have no idea. That's why I think it's so amazing. And also just because this whole COVID quarantine shit that's been happening, it's been so wild. I have found that the people that have coped and dealt with it the best have been addicts or alcoholics or someone in a twelve step program because they know how to deal with chaos in some type of way.[0:16:17] Brianne Davis: Yeah, and they turn it over when things are chaotic and we have no control. I mean, this whole situation sees that we have no control over anything in the world. Right?[0:16:29] Tess: 100%.[0:16:30] Brianne Davis: Or I always thought life, I make my path, I have control over all that stuff. And really we have no control. So it's like turn that over to God or your higher power or whatever you want to call it ASAP, because that's the only way exactly. You find serenity in peace life.[0:16:49] Tess: I couldn't have said about it myself. I think people also being so willing to try to figure out a new solution in this time, like, okay, we can't go to physical meetings. We'll do zoom meetings, right? And now you can be anywhere, literally in your house, and connect to however many millions of meetings there are online right now, and just pop in and share your experience, strength, or hope with someone. And we figured it out, and we move forward. And I think that type of adaptability has been huge as well. My fiance is also in a program, and so I feel like every moment with him is a meeting, because that's what they always used to say, that it's just you need two people to have a meeting. That's all it is. It's true.[0:17:24] Brianne Davis: I mean, my husband and I, our whole conversation almost every day is about, okay, can we turn that over? How are you feeling? You triggered me when you said this life. It's this whole other form of and it's so lovely to talk to you. I didn't know your fiance or you were engaged is also in a program. How is that as a couple? Can you explain to our listeners?[0:17:47] Tess: It's beautiful. It's definitely a blessing because I feel like we both know how to properly communicate and not just say right, that you don't have your ups and downs and your fights and things of that nature. But I think we also met in treatment, so I'll preface that. But our stories definitely coincided on day one, and so we met in treatment, and I disconnected a little bit, and then kind of came full circle, and it's been pretty crazy. I mean, we both go to meetings. We both know what we're supposed to do. We have conversations, we talk about triggered if our feelings are hurt. We use eye statements. We don't try to blame. Not to say that it doesn't get into that we don't have fights and things like that, but it's definitely much more. I feel manageable, and I feel like you feel like you're on the same team. Does that make sense?[0:18:38] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's like you understand, you know.[0:18:41] Tess: A partner, you know exactly what everyone's hearing. We're hearing the same message, and we try to live our life that way, which is amazing, because I feel like wherever our home is, it's so peaceful and serene. You can get to that point because, you know, everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing. Does that make sense?[0:18:59] Brianne Davis: Right? And I also sometimes if we're having a conversation and we can't work it out, one of us are mostly him, we'll be like, I think you should call your sponsor, which I hate hearing that. I'm like, don't tell me to call my sponsor.[0:19:14] Tess: It's so funny, but so true, because it's a thing.[0:19:17] Brianne Davis: It's a thing. Don't tell me who to call. Or maybe don't take my inventory.[0:19:22] Tess: Yeah, exactly. Don't take my inventory. But that's the best.[0:19:26] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. I remember we had that life a month ago, and I was like, don't tell me to call my sponsor. And then I was like, Damn, I need to call my sponsor.[0:19:36] Tess: But more than 99% of the time, essentially, they're right. You're like, yeah, I definitely need to check in. But I was at a dinner the other night, and we were with another couple, and they were talking about how kind of like your partner is almost like your guru. Right. And just bear with me. That is kind of like they teach you things that you still need to learn and understand about yourself. And it's like, okay, if I am looking at this through a way of patience, I definitely need to be more understanding or see it through a different perspective. And so they challenge, I think, the parts of you that still need to be challenged to grow. So that's been the best for me.[0:20:09] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I definitely think you pick someone that can trigger those things that you still need to look at, and it's your choice to lean in and do the work and take risks.[0:20:19] Tess: Exactly.[0:20:20] Brianne Davis: Because I believe if you don't work it out with a healthy partner, that you're just going to be replaying those scenarios with the next person.[0:20:30] Tess: Exactly. You're going to replay the same tapes until you figure out how it goes. Yeah, the ego. Ego is happening. There's so much ego and everything that we do as humans, it's like, what best serves me. It's all about me, the whole thing. And then for the first time in my life, when I went through treatment or recovery, it's not so much about me. How can I be of service to you? That's really all it's about. Right. And the whole reason the program exists is so we can pass what we know and help another alcoholic or addict in need.[0:21:02] Brianne Davis: Well, that's why I do this podcast. Honestly, I'm only doing it to help others that don't have a voice and don't know how to get out of their ego because they're edging. The edging gods got out. Exactly. And just so you're listening, listeners, everything we're saying, if you would have said to me, like, ten years ago, I would have laughed in your face.[0:21:24] Tess: You can tell that we both done some level of work, because it's very understanding that if you would have said this to me at 21, I've been like, what are you on?[0:21:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah, life, get out of here. It's a cult.[0:21:34] Tess: It's 100% I'm like, I don't relate to any of this.[0:21:39] Brianne Davis: And my last question for you, and it's for the listeners especially a younger 23 year old. 22 year old, 21 year old is struggling with excessive alcohol in the lifestyle and all that you encountered what would be your advice for them if they are finding that whole finding that they don't really like themselves or they don't know what's wrong?[0:22:03] Tess: Well, it's interesting, right? Because I never once thought that it could possibly be due to alcohol. I was life. I actually felt better when I was drinking, but then I'd be coming home, and I feel hungover the next day, right? And then I would feel worse. And it was just the spiral. Spiral. I kind of felt like, you know, life in Wonderland when she falls down the rabbit hole, I felt like I was always in that free fall. I remember drawing that when they say, draw a picture of Disney figure that you feel like your life relates to. And that's what I drew. I just felt like I was always falling down. And so sometimes I feel like if you've never been around a or things of that nature, you necessarily wouldn't know. Sometimes people are like, hey, I heard your story, or, you want to come to a meeting with me? I didn't have any friends that were in recovery, obviously, because your circle, you kind of are who your circle is, right? People I was hanging around weren't talking about a meetings.[0:23:02] Tess: That wasn't my conversation. And so it wasn't until it was such a blessing for people to go to treatment, and I went for literally depression, trauma, and anxiety. And it was so funny because when you were there, you're like, hi, I'm Ted. I'm an alcoholic addict. I was literally there for everything but physical pain because I didn't have any broken bones or major surgeries. So I was in every single program, like addiction, alcoholism, trauma, depression, anxiety, all these different things. But I learned so much from learning. That is how I learned that it was really alcohol and my relationship to alcohol and my relationship to myself that drove me to drinking. That was what I needed to look at. And so I think for me, I was turning to using and drinking because I didn't do the work yet. You know what I mean? I wasn't exposed to doing the work, and I guess I wasn't ready to, otherwise it would have happened earlier, but I had no idea how much work it would take to learn how to that's the only thing that fills the hole is doing the work.[0:24:09] Brianne Davis: Oh, yeah.[0:24:11] Tess: It's the only thing. And when I started doing that, then I started feeling better, and I was like, okay, this is directly correlated 100%.[0:24:22] Brianne Davis: I always say that work you do on yourself, that nobody can take it from you. Nothing on the outside can take it. If your fiance or my husband leaves me or anything. The work you do on yourself is yours and yours alone.[0:24:37] Tess: 100%. It's yours and yours alone for forever. Yeah. And that is such a strong thing, I think, and the ability to stay sober through hard things and that just keeps adding to that, you know what I mean? Now, it's what I'm most proud of and it's what I hold probably nearest and dearest to me, in terms of someone who's young and thinking that they might be struggling with the same things, I would suggest life hopping on a meeting and seeing if that's the space where you relate the most. Because it wasn't until I started hearing other stories where I really was like, oh, that's me. I saw myself and other people, I heard similar stories and I was like, hey, it's not the same exact thing, but I can relate to you. I can relate to the same underlying feelings. And that's just why I think the program is so special and why it's so great and help so many people. Because we're all kind of the same but different.[0:25:29] Brianne Davis: No, we're all the same. We all have fears of abandonment. We all want to be loved, we all want to feel worthy. And all those things is humans want to feel for sure. Well, thank you for coming on and sharing your story with us.[0:25:42] Tess: It is just thank you so much. For having me and I'm so grateful. For you for doing I'm so grateful for having this and being able to share the story on your platform. So thank you so much for having me.[0:25:53] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time!Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe, write, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlefenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Have you ever wanted to share a secret but felt you couldn't? On the Secret Life Podcast, we explore the stories of people who have done just that and how their experience changed their lives. From hearing Brianne Davis talk about her journey in getting sober to listening to Amelia discuss her abusive relationship, we're here to make sure you know you're not alone. Tune in and start your journey to self-acceptance, connection, and freedom today.*Trigger Warning: Please note that this episode contains the topic of suicide. Some people may find it disturbing. _____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.____To find more about Amelia, head over to https://selflovestory.com_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Amelia: Like, I think of Secret as, like, these energetic rocks that you carry in your heart, and the more that you hold on to them, the heavier life gets.[0:00:17] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today, my guest is Amelia. Now, Amelia, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?[0:01:30] Amelia: I love the drum roll. Thanks. Actually, I'm really proud to say today that my secret is I have no secret. I know. No, it wasn't always that way, though. It's a big reason why I love what you're doing with this podcast, because I definitely was a woman of many, many secrets for a long, long time.[0:01:58] Brianne Davis: Well, first of all, I have to give you a gold star for putting all your crap out there. But my question for you is, when did you decide to let go of all that package?[0:02:12] Amelia: And Secret Life would have to say letting go. Like I said, I had many secrets for years.[0:02:22] Brianne Davis: Can you tell us some of your old secret?[0:02:25] Amelia: Yeah. One of them was that I was abused a lot when I was a little girl, and I didn't share that. It's not because I didn't want to necessarily. It's just because our culture had me believe that I was okay life, it didn't matter. And that, oh, well, it happened a long time ago, so I don't need to look at that and I don't need to talk about it. Clearly, that was wrong.[0:02:56] Brianne Davis: Clearly that stays in your body. And when you experience any kind of abuse, if you don't go through it and figure it out, it stays with you. I mean, mine did, for sure, and.[0:03:08] Amelia: I had no idea that that was the case at all. And other ones that are kind of like lighter and fun and squirmy is like when I start to have feelings for a friend and life, romantic feelings for a friend, and I just put that all out there too. Now I make it a point, really, to not hold on to any secrets. And the reason why I decided to do that and I started letting them go for the last ten years. Now it takes a while sometimes to start letting them all go because I really learned that holding onto secrets, it holds our power and it has me walk through life heavier and unable to really enjoy connections with people or even my success because there's always that thing weighing you down. I think of secrets as like these energetic rocks that you carry in your heart, and the more that you hold on to them, the heavier life gets. And so once I started letting them go and feeling the difference that life could be being lighter and having more joy and connection and intimacy, that's when I was like, you know what? No more secrets. I'm putting it all out there and I'm freeing myself. It's really about freeing myself and also in freeing other people too.[0:04:33] Brianne Davis: What do you mean?[0:04:34] Amelia: Well, because it's like when I share something that's personal to me and another person can relate to it, maybe they share it too, and it frees them. Or even just hearing that they're not alone. It frees 100%.[0:04:51] Brianne Davis: I mean, that's why I wanted to do this podcast. You know, I let go of this really big secret and I thought the world was going to end and nothing happened. I was like, Wait, nobody really cares? Not that they didn't care, but nobody was like, oh, shame on you, you're a horrible person. And it just made me realize how freeing that felt and it connected me to other people so much more. And that's why I want to do that.[0:05:21] Amelia: Absolutely.[0:05:22] Brianne Davis: But I want to ask, do you remember one of the first big secrets you let go of? Where you felt that weight kind of lift?[0:05:31] Amelia: Oh, yeah. I want to say it was life ten years ago, and I was with some close friends and I don't remember what prompted me to share this, but I had actually I was in a very abusive relationship in college from life ages 19 to 21.[0:05:52] Brianne Davis: Was it abusive emotionally or physically all?[0:05:57] Amelia: It started off verbally and then mentally he would get in my head and then it eventually got really physical. And when it got physical, that's when I really, really felt trapped. And I didn't tell anybody. I was going to school, taking my test, hanging out with friends, acting like nothing was wrong.[0:06:16] Brianne Davis: Why did you keep that a secret?[0:06:21] Amelia: I don't even know. I was just so ashamed that people would know that I was so stupid enough to get into that situation. And I was also just so afraid of him that my life was consumed by my fear of him and by trying to not make him mad and trying to just make sure that he stays happy. And then when he was mad, it would be a big blow up. So my life was also just consumed by that as well, that I couldn't really I didn't have time to really tell anybody else. But then I didn't want my friends or my family or people to look at me a certain way or be disappointed in me or think like, oh, you're supposed to be smart and you're supposed to know what you're doing and how did you end up in this relationship? And he also would convince me to not tell people life, oh, are you really going to let people know that I'm a horrible person? You know that I'm not bad, you know that I love you and that's.[0:07:29] Brianne Davis: How manipulative it's like mind game and I love you. I didn't mean but I do have a question about that and I'm curious. Do you think the mental and emotional abuse was worse than the physical or I know all of it is bad, I just want to know which was harder for you to move past.[0:07:48] Amelia: Definitely the mental and the emotional because that gets deep in the soul and deep in all the cracks of my insecurities. And also I think that's what broke me down to even get to the point where it got physical. And one thing that I say to people about this because people don't understand like, oh, well if he hits you then you can just leave. It's not that simple. Life. Abusive relationships go on for as long as they do because it's like a little by little conditioning that happens that then just becomes a habit. And then it's like, this is just how the relationship is. And it's like all this pile of shame built on top and secret and lies and trying to hide. And then it becomes this really big convoluted web that feels really hard to get out of.[0:08:41] Brianne Davis: Yeah, you're life isolated and alone because you're not sharing that with anybody. I also had a really good friend a long time ago. Her husband almost killed her and went to jail. And as soon as he got out, she went and went back to him and no one could understand. But when I talked to her, she said the exact same thing. It was like this complex situation that all this shame and isolation and all that.[0:09:08] Amelia: Yeah, it really becomes a really strong attachment that it doesn't make logical sense, but if there's like a conditioning around it that's like, this is what I know, so this is what I'm going to go back to and oh gosh, I have such empathy for that, to go back to that person. But thankfully for me, I definitely broken away from him for good. But actually I did go back again.[0:09:36] Brianne Davis: You did?[0:09:38] Amelia: Briefly for a couple of night fling.[0:09:43] Brianne Davis: Did anybody know about that or is that actually secret?[0:09:46] Amelia: No, that's the secret we got. You.[0:09:52] Brianne Davis: Not like that's a great thing. No, but I'm saying we all have these little things we just don't tell people. And you think you're life light and free and done with secrets, but really? We still hold secrets sometimes.[0:10:05] Amelia: Yeah, no, I said I have no secret, knowing that I probably do, but yeah, so we can always uncover or something. But yeah, actually, as I was saying it to you, I was like, oh, my gosh, I actually never told anyone about that. So that's technically a secret. Well, now I told you, so now it's out there.[0:10:26] Brianne Davis: Now you're free of it. But you were talking about the moment, that moment where you let that big one go. I think it was about this relationship.[0:10:34] Amelia: Yeah. And the other big part of that secret was that when I was in such a desperate moment to get away from him, when he was really like, berating me and emailing me and texting me and calling me and I was trying to get away, like, I really was. And he was saying things like, you're worthless and you should just kill yourself, and you're so selfish, and all these life terrible bad names that start with B's and C's and FS and all of that. And I was so desperate, I didn't know what to do. I just went to the store and I bought all this ad bill and pills and nightclub and I drank a bunch of it and I just wanted to get away. I didn't want to take my life. It was an interesting thing to explain to the doctors because as soon as I did that, I immediately went to a friend and I was like, I need you to take me to the hospital. This is what I just did.[0:11:35] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:11:37] Amelia: And so that was the other big part of the secret that I let go in that moment. And I think that's probably what sparked me to say that, because I think it was a group of close friends and we were just like, naturally revealing stuff to each other. And someone mentioned something about thoughts of suicide and things like that. And I mentioned I attempted it once and so then I told them the whole story and why, but it was really like a cry for help for me because I did not want to take my life. I just wanted to do something to be like, leave me alone. Kind of like a scream for help.[0:12:15] Brianne Davis: I mean, I remember my first year when I was getting sober in my program. I didn't want to be on this earth. I didn't want to commit suicide, but I definitely wanted to crawl out of my skin, not be on this earth because the pain and everything I was experiencing was too much. And it sounds like similar thing. You were in this painful situation with this person that was abusing you and you could not get out of it, and you just didn't want to be here anymore for that.[0:12:44] Amelia: Yeah, I love that. Thank you for describing it that way because it just sounded weird to me to be like, okay, so you went to the store, you bought all this stuff, but you didn't want to commit suicide. And it was like, no, I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I just wanted him to stop. And he wouldn't stop. If I was crying, if I was screaming, if I was hitting at him, throwing things, life, stop, stop. He would not stop. And so, yeah, I just didn't want to feel that anymore. Yeah. So hard. Dark times.[0:13:16] Brianne Davis: Dark times. And listen, I'm sure the listeners, we all have them, we've all been through our own journeys, but I think that's beautiful that you cried for help and then you shared it. And that moment of letting go, was it euphoric or was there, like, a crash afterwards?[0:13:39] Amelia: I definitely think one of my favorite terms is vulnerability hangover, where after you share something really deep and real and the next day you're like, oh, my gosh, did that just happen? I believe I probably had a little bit of that the next day. But in the moment, to be with those close friends and to be received with love, and they didn't try to fix anything or change anything or even say anything. It was just to be heard and witnessed and loved. I mean, that yeah, it felt as euphoric as like as if there was a big boulder on my chest and someone finally lifted it off. I felt like I could load for a second because it was like, oh, my gosh, I let that go. Yeah. Even just describing it, I feel it again, and I'm just like, that's so good. It feels so good.[0:14:31] Brianne Davis: It's the best feeling. And when I was even asking people to be on this, they're life. I'm not comfortable sharing it. And I'm saying this to you, I'm not saying who these people were, but I was like, you will feel so much better, life. No one will know it's you. I promise. It will be so much lighter. And they're like, I'm not ready. And I was like, okay. To each his own.[0:14:51] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. I think when we're carrying so much, like I said, I used to have a lot of secret, and I was just so used to it. But I think when that first big boulder got removed, it was like, oh, I can do this. And I think, too, the thing to remember is you don't want to tell the world everything. I think it's also knowing who is safe and who will be there to witness their secret. Or even on a podcast like this, where you can be anonymous. I think that's also very healing, where it's like hundreds of people can hear it and they don't even have to know it's you. But even just saying it out loud is so freeing. Yeah, absolutely.[0:15:39] Brianne Davis: So you said you've gone through this process and you've let go of all these secrets, and it's been years, life. My journey has been like, eleven years. And so each time you did it, what came about? Is there something specific? Like, each time you let go, you felt, like, a little different?[0:16:00] Amelia: Yeah. Each time I let go, even if it was like little ones or big ones, I would feel a little bit freer, a little bit lighter, a little bit life, more possibility, a little bit more loved. Especially if I was letting it go to someone, another human being, and then having them just witness it and hear it. It just was like, there's just that moment where I'm like, I can really let that go now. I really don't have to carry that and have that in the back of my mind, because the energy that it takes to hide these things, we don't think it takes a lot of energy until we do let it go, and we're like, whoa, that would take a lot of energy.[0:16:47] Brianne Davis: It takes so much energy, and it also keeps you so disconnected from other people. That's what I felt like I felt every time I had a secret. Even if it was like a teeny thing you would never thought would keep you separate from someone, but it does.[0:17:02] Amelia: It's kind of like where you have the pebble in your shoe and no one else can see it, and you could easily pretend to walk and be like, whatever else, I don't feel like taking my shoe off right now, so I'll just keep walking. But little by little, it'll start to get at your foot and eventually probably cut it up or just be really uncomfortable. And it's not impossible to walk with that, and no one else will know unless you're like, there's a pebble in my shoe. So it's kind of like that, but it's really annoying. And the more you walk with it, the worse it'll feel over time, until you're finally like, oh, my gosh, I lost a toe. I guess I should have removed that pebble a long time ago.[0:17:44] Brianne Davis: Or you get, like, a callus, and then it starts life building up that hard skin as I was like, you're building up that hard shell on your outside. People are like, please don't talk about feet right now. But that's what I keep thinking of.[0:17:58] Amelia: Life.[0:17:58] Brianne Davis: Every little secret, every little lie just builds a shell around yourself.[0:18:04] Amelia: Yes. And yeah, you might be, quote, unquote, protected. However, it's also keeping you from life. The love and the joy and connection you can feel. And even with the closest people in your life, that actually adds to the pain. So now you're carrying this weight of all these rocks for, like, mixing metaphors here, but you're carrying the weight of all these rocks, but now you're wearing all these layers, and you're just underneath all these layers, and you can't actually feel people anymore to the extent that you're but then you get used to it. And then you wonder, why am I so unhappy? Life there could be alone.[0:18:42] Brianne Davis: Why am I so alone? Why do I feel uncomfortable?[0:18:47] Amelia: And it's like, well, years and years of conditioning yourself to build those layers and carry those rocks and that weight. That's why it's myself. Just let it go.[0:18:57] Brianne Davis: But here's my question for you, because I know you're starting to work with this, like, self love and helping people find their authentic, true selves. But my question for you and I always and I already kind of know the answer when I answer it myself, but from your perspective, when people are struggling, why do they have so much trouble asking for help when they have these secrets that they know they need help with? Why can't people ask for help?[0:19:26] Amelia: Well, I think one of the big things is we're conditioned not to. I mean, from the time at least here in the United States, because this is where I went to school from the time you're in first grade, you're conditioned not to cheat, quote, unquote, which means you're conditioned not to ask other people for help. Like from the time we're six years old, we're taught, oh, if you ask someone else for help, that means you weren't good enough to do it on your own. And I think our schooling system, a lot of our schooling systems condition us that way and our culture, too. It's like there's this sense of pride and life completing something on your own and doing it all yourself, and this belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness and also just the vulnerability of sharing your true, authentic emotions. Life it's interesting how when we talk about if I'm crying, that means I'm falling apart or crying is weakness. So there's all these associations that we have with things that are actually really natural, but then we attach like a negative meaning to it. And actually, one of my friends, we were talking about something random today because the time that we're recording this, it's raining here in New York City, which is where I am right now. And we were talking about how, oh, it's so ugly outside. And then we were like, isn't that interesting how rain and thunderstorms are so natural, yet we call it ugly.[0:20:49] Brianne Davis: Oh, I don't I love when it rains. I love weather storms. But that is interesting because people are like, oh, it's gross outside. And I'm like, the earth is cleaning itself. I think it's beautiful, right?[0:21:02] Amelia: And I think thunderstorms are with the darkness and then the lightning and the sound, it's beautiful. But it's interesting. Life, when we notice as something as simple as the weather, that we attach a negative meaning to something that's natural. So crying, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling jealous, feeling greedy, life, all of those things are natural things. And then it's like, oh, if you're crying, you're falling apart, you're weak if you're sad. And that's showing your weakness. And that means that they win life, there's just this win, lose, good, bad.[0:21:36] Brianne Davis: Instead of it just being neutral, just is what it is. You're sad today. You're feeling your feelings today. And the beautiful thing and I'm trying to teach my son, too, that we're talking about life, feeling your emotions and crying that I allow him to cry. I'm like, I know you're upset. It's okay, because I don't want those feelings to get trapped in him. Like, it happened to me, it's happened to other especially young boys.[0:22:03] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. Especially. That's so beautiful. I love that.[0:22:09] Brianne Davis: But here's the next question. I only have a couple more, but what do you think the benefit is that people keep secrets? And what do you think the harm it causes them, from your perspective?[0:22:27] Amelia: The benefit of keeping secrets is you avoid the negative reaction or the backlash that you will get. That's kind of why a little bit earlier I mentioned about there is such a thing as, like, revealing too much and also revealing to the wrong people. And so I think we keep them because we don't know how the other person is going to react. And I'm reminded of a wonderful Brene Brown quote about vulnerability, where it's like vulnerability is about showing up authentically exactly as you are. I'm paraphrasing, even though we don't know what the outcome is going to be. And so the benefit, though, life, for example, life, me not telling a friend that I've fallen in love with him, the benefit is that I don't have to face potential rejection if he doesn't feel the same way.[0:23:16] Brianne Davis: Right, right.[0:23:18] Amelia: But the harm it does is that's another rock that I'm holding on to. And also he doesn't know that someone loves him in that way. So I think any secret you could probably find life a benefit and a harm.[0:23:35] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:23:35] Amelia: And so with my big secret, the benefit I guess I got was I didn't know what would happen if everybody knew that I was in this abusive relationship life. What were they going to be? Cops coming to my house and people asking me all kinds of questions and being like, why did you get together with him? Why didn't you tell us sooner? I think we just make up this we think of the worst case scenario of what could happen when we reveal the secret. And so we want to avoid that worst case scenario, and that's why we don't reveal. And so we think that's a benefit, but really it's the harm. Yeah, and then the harm, there's harm to yourself because you're holding on to it. That pebble that's going to eventually cut you up or create calluses and stuff. And also, there's so many ways that it could harm other people in your life as well.[0:24:29] Brianne Davis: And my last question for you is if someone else was going through the situation that you went through, or what would be the advice, like, letting go of your secrets for people.[0:24:40] Amelia: Yeah, I really love this question and the first tiniest step you can do is admitting the secret to yourself. Even if you say it out loud to yourself. Or maybe it's even too hard to say it out loud, although that's what I would recommend because hearing your own voice and feeling it released from your body physically will also release it. You don't necessarily have to tell someone else, but even if you just life write it down at first. For me, when I'm feeling sad, sometimes it's really melancholy because I have life a tendency towards melancholy and sometimes I just have to say out loud, like to myself in my room, like I'm sad, I'm really sad or I'm heartbroken. And even just saying it out loud to myself relieves a lot of that weight. And so I would say don't feel pressured to life, tell the world or hop on a podcast or scream from the come on, but also definitely come onto the podcast. But I'll say a tiny step, right, would be to first admit it to yourself. And then I think from there a natural next step would be who's a trusted friend or trusted advisor or mentor that you can reveal it to. Because I will say too, revealing it to another human being is so freeing. So more than admitting it to yourself and you can say to them, I just need you to listen and love me, I don't need a solution, I don't need a fix or whatever, right? But just please, while you sit, I'm about to reveal something that's really big and just have them witness and love you through it. But first step to yourself if it feels like too much and then get on brief show.[0:26:37] Brianne Davis: Yes. Then come on and reveal it to me because I have no judgment.[0:26:42] Amelia: Exactly.[0:26:43] Brianne Davis: Well, if people wanted to find you, find out what you're doing now to build the self love to letting go of past trauma, where would they find you?[0:26:52] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. So my website is selflovestory.com. So just all one word, selflovestory.com. And when you go there, there's a ton of free resources. I actually just revamped my website where you can look at three different categories dating and relationships, career and business or money and abundance. And when you click whichever category you want, there's like free videos, podcasts, blogs, all kinds of just free resources there for you to devour. And I'm really happy because this is a recent new revamp of my website. I know sometimes it takes a lot to reach out to someone. There's always a possibility to reach out to me through my website, but I know that that's a big step sometimes. So I like to just give the resources that you can read and listen to and there's a lot, a lot there for you.[0:27:45] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your past secret and also revealing a new secret that you didn't even know you were carrying.[0:27:54] Amelia: I know you're really good at this. Definitely get on the show, guys. Well, thank you.[0:28:00] Brianne Davis: I appreciate it so much.[0:28:02] Amelia: You're welcome. Thank you for having me on.[0:28:05] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLife Podcast@icloud.com. Until next time.Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you would like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Alexandra and Brianne explore the hidden epidemic of verbal abuse. Hear Alexandra's story of marriage, trauma, and recovery. Gain insight into how to identify and escape verbal abuse. Learn ways to process the experience and regain joy. From understanding the danger of verbal abuse to setting healthy boundaries, this podcast offers a necessary and empowering journey of healing._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____ABOUT OUR GUEST:Alexandra Eva-May is a divorcee, podcast host, wellness warrior, mental health advocate, new mother, survivor of infertility, writer, blogger, motivational speaker and recently, a best-selling author of the book, Her Awakening. You can grab your copy on Amazon!For more info: https://www.thesplendidpath.com/_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Alexandra: So for me, like, for a long time after, like, any kind of conflict with a man is just like hugely triggering. Because my experience was this will lead to someone saying these awful things to you.[0:00:18] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to see your life podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing.[0:01:19] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where and why would it all. Today. My guest is Alexandra. Now, Alexandra, I have a question for you. Duhn, Duhn Duhn. What is your secret?[0:01:33] Alexandra: So my secret is that when I was married, I was suffering verbal abuse silently within my marriage and I didn't tell anyone that it was my secret.[0:01:45] Brianne Davis: How long did that go on for?[0:01:47] Alexandra: It was over the extent of the marriage and the marriage wasn't very long. I was married for about a year, I guess, that we were together, living together. The marriage continued. Like, we didn't get a divorce right away, but we were together for about a year and it went on throughout kind of the whole time.[0:02:03] Brianne Davis: How long were you guys together, though, before you got married together?[0:02:09] Alexandra: We were together probably before the marriage, I think it was six or seven years.[0:02:14] Brianne Davis: Oh, wow. So you waited.[0:02:19] Alexandra: We started dating when we were, I think we were like 23, 22, 23. So young. Yeah, and then we just kind of dated. We even lived together for three years before we got married. And then we got married and then it started happening. So it was crazy.[0:02:39] Brianne Davis: You know, that's so fascinating because I thought, honestly, you were going to say after you said that you guys were together for like six months and then you got together and got married and I was like, oh, did you not know the person? Because I feel like a lot of people rush into things not knowing. But you knew the person.[0:02:56] Alexandra: Yeah. And the thing with what I experienced, he could be that way with, say, friends or even family members, but he never did it to me. So in my young, immature, naive brain, I thought, well, he's not doing it to me, so it's okay. Well, he's never okay. And that would be like one thing I would say to any man or woman because it can happen to anyone.[0:03:21] Brianne Davis: Yes.[0:03:22] Alexandra: What they do to other people or what they say to other people. And in my context of man. So, like, what a man does to other people or women he will do to you in your marriage even if he's not doing it before when you're dating, it will eventually you will become the target.[0:03:38] Brianne Davis: Can you give me some examples? Because I know people are listening out there and even if they're experienced it, there's something about we downplay it to ourselves because we don't want to believe that it's happening for sure.[0:03:51] Alexandra: So when it was happening throughout my life, nobody had spoken to me like that or treated me like that ever. So when it started to happen that way, it just felt so foreign. I didn't know how to make sense of it. So again, yeah, I just kind of downplayed it in my mind. But it was subtle things. Like subtle, like sarcastic, jabs, passive aggressive comments. But it can also be really overt things. Like with him, like being called a bitch or being told, like, there's something inherently wrong with you. And so it's like these we sometimes say these things very loosely, I guess. But when it's targeted at you from the person that's supposed to love you the most, it's so unsettling and it just unsettles your idea about yourself.[0:04:34] Brianne Davis: Yeah.[0:04:39] Alexandra: It would come when there was a conflict in the relationship and he was in a place of stress and that's how he dealt with it. I understand. So for me, for a long time after, any kind of conflict with a man is just, like, hugely triggering. Because my experience was this will lead to someone saying these awful things to you.[0:04:58] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Because you guys were together for six years and you saw him call, like, other people bitches or talk bad about other people in his life or coworkers or whatever. Right?[0:05:11] Alexandra: Yeah, it could be, say, I have seen it. He would talk about not my female friends, necessarily, but, like, female sometimes that were strong will and he would say, called him a bitch. And at the time, like I said, it's not okay. It's never okay to use that language towards anybody, especially women. But like I said, I was young, I was naive, I was in love. And I kind of was like, oh, well, he doesn't mean it. He doesn't actually believe it. But now, looking back, he probably did. And eventually I became the target.[0:05:50] Brianne Davis: So why do you think that happened? Because you were finally, completely committed to him and, like, the marriage. Do you even remember the first time it happened?[0:06:01] Alexandra: Sort of like I kind of do. Yes, actually, I do. It was about, I think, three months in and I can't remember the specific incident. It's crazy. I can remember because it led to trauma. I can very much remember how I felt. And I can relive moments of the moment, but I can't remember all the details, which is kind of interesting.[0:06:24] Brianne Davis: Not really, because we black it out when there's trauma or ptsd, when there's, like, a bad breakup or bad toxic relationship that creates trauma in our body, and we cut off some of our memory to make it easier for our psyche to handle.[0:06:40] Alexandra: Yeah. Three months in. Like I said, it just is so foreign. And it's just like, all of a sudden, it's like being hit without being hit, and then you have this invisible wound, but no burgess to show for it. That's how I kind of look at it. So it kept happening. And then eventually, when we did split up, I had so much trauma. And I just thought it was from the end of my marriage, because it was quite sudden, which was very it was traumatic itself. But there was so much trauma for years that was just about the verbal abuse. And I didn't realize that actually till like, a year ago when I was having I would have sometimes conflict with my partner, which we do. Like in a relationship, we have conflict. And I would have these massive overreactions.[0:07:28] Brianne Davis: Over hysterical historical hysterical historical.[0:07:37] Alexandra: Classic trauma reactions. Like, I would need to go to an enclosed space. I would close the bathroom door. I would flee, get a fight fight or flight fight.[0:07:53] Brianne Davis: I always ran to the bathroom and shut the door whenever I was in conflict.[0:07:58] Alexandra: Yeah. And then it would get to the point. Also, sometimes I would fight. I would just react extreme. And then I just sat in that and we sarah and he was like, Why am I reacting? And I realized I still had a lot of trauma to work through. And my trigger, like I said, was a conflict with any man, because with ix, I would either be called back or I would just avoid conflict altogether to avoid kind of that aggression coming at you. Yeah. And for him, he dealt with stress, like I said, anxiety and anger by lashing out. I'm not saying it's okay, but it helped me understand the whole experience, I guess.[0:08:41] Brianne Davis: Do you know if his parents fight like that or he was raised well.[0:08:47] Alexandra: His story his dad wasn't around, and I'm not sure, growing up how his family relationship was, but I would imagine he thought somewhere that it became okay.[0:09:02] Brianne Davis: Or when it became normalized.[0:09:05] Alexandra: Yeah. And in his life, too, because, like I said, I would sometimes see it with friends or whoever, and people kind of they didn't expect it from us, but they just are like, oh, that's just like him. It's okay. It's just him. And I think sometimes with people that have damaging behaviors or toxic behaviors or abusive behaviors, there's not enough people that say it's not okay.[0:09:29] Brianne Davis: Usually it's hard. It's hard. I think, when you just said earlier, and I want to go back to it, that it was like getting punched, but you don't see the bruise. And that's what I always say, like, those toxic behaviors, those toxic relationships when they're not physical, not that either is worse than the other, but it's like a million little cuts that you don't see that you're killing yourself with. Like someone's doing these little cuts all over you and you're bleeding out and you have no idea, and you can't see it 100%.[0:10:04] Alexandra: And I'm a big reader. I try to reading things. And after our relationship ended, I read this book. I think it's called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I believe that's the title. And she listed off all these different ways someone could be verbally abusive. And some of it's like that outright swearing at you, that kind of thing. But it's like little stuff, like yeah, like sarcastic comments about any kind of aspirations you have, or passive aggression or stonewalling gas lighting. Gas lighting. It's all kind of part of that. And I realized he didn't check off all the boxes, but it was a lot more than I even realized myself. And when I actually sat down and I remember one day after I wrote in my journal everything, I could remember all the different things he had said. And I couldn't believe the list that I compiled because I think in the moment when it was happening, I just tried to not black it out, but forget it real fast. The secret, I guess I didn't tell anybody till after because I was really ashamed. So I think and I think this is for, like, a lot of abuse survivors, whether it's physical or emotional, financial or verbal, we feel shame because we actively, I guess, chose this relationship.[0:11:25] Alexandra: We've got along with it, and even though someone's treating us badly, we continue to stay.[0:11:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah.[0:11:32] Alexandra: And so there's a shame that you're continuing to stay because abuse isn't black and white. Like this person that's doing these awful things. When you're being abused, you don't look at them as, like, a monster. You look at, like, their behavior. Like, this is like when you make.[0:11:45] Brianne Davis: Excuses and you, oh, he had a bad day at work. He lost his job. We couldn't pay that bill. You always make excuses and then you try to turn towards the moments. Oh, but he was so loving the day before. Or, he bought me that sweater or something. Yeah.[0:12:02] Alexandra: And if you have money I realized in this episode, I even made excuse. I was like, when he was stressed, he would do this. Which is kind of an excuse because.[0:12:08] Brianne Davis: It'S never yeah, you said it three times. She said it three times. You're still trying to justify the abuse. And you're like, I know, I understand. He's probably going through a lot. And it's like, no, he didn't.[0:12:26] Alexandra: Even pass that. I realized what he did and that it was wrong. And sitting here making excuses. So I think you feel shame, or at least I did, because well, first of all, if you tell people, if you start telling people they're going to tell you to leave, they're going to right away say leave. And maybe you're not in a position to leave, whether it's like kids or whatever.[0:12:46] Brianne Davis: And financial.[0:12:49] Alexandra: You'Re just, like, not ready to throw in a towel or something.[0:12:51] Brianne Davis: Or a love addict. There's a lot of people that stay in those relationships because they're addicted to that person.[0:12:58] Alexandra: Yeah. And for me, well, I was raised in a Catholic family, so I had that. We were married, and I wasn't super young, but I was, like, 29, which is young, is in the marriage sector. I wasn't 50 or anything. So I also felt like I couldn't leave because I just sort of gotten married, and I felt like I was young to be going through a divorce. And there was a lot of shame with a divorce itself. And I felt so shamed that someone was treating me like this. And I let it be okay, sort of because I didn't leave.[0:13:35] Brianne Davis: Yeah, but here's the thing, and I also is it because you were just married, too? Because it happened pretty quick. Usually it doesn't happen so fast.[0:13:45] Alexandra: Yeah, that was kind of crazy because.[0:13:48] Brianne Davis: I remember someone that was in a bad relationship and they just got married, and she's like, we just spent all this money on the wedding. And I was like, who cares? But it's hard to tell someone when they're wanting something to work so badly.[0:14:02] Alexandra: Well, yeah, and like I mentioned earlier, we had been together for six or seven years, lived together for three years, and so, like, people exactly, they were like, didn't you know? Like, how could you not know? And even my mom asked me that. Like, how could you not know? And it was like, well, yeah, I saw the sign, but I was never the victim. I was never the target until we got married. And then, yeah, like you said, it happened so fast. So I felt like, how could I get married and then just split up so fast? I would feel so embarrassed about it. Even though you're right, like, who cares?[0:14:35] Brianne Davis: Now?[0:14:35] Alexandra: I don't care if I ever ended that relationship again, I will leave like this.[0:14:40] Brianne Davis: But you're right, you can't tell people to leave, because I work with a lot of people, and I can't ever tell them to leave. I can say, I suggest this. This is what should be. This is how you should talk. But you can't make someone leave a bad situation. You just can't.[0:14:55] Alexandra: And sometimes I think you're also so connected to that person, and so you protect them. That's the big thing with abuse, too. We protect our abusers. And so someone's saying you should just leave sometimes feels like a bit of an attack, even though you're not you're trying to help and you're trying to tell them, no, you need to go. But I think if you're suffering it at the time, it can feel, and then you can just turn into the relationship more. Because you're like oh, yeah.[0:15:23] Brianne Davis: Because you're like, yeah, you stick it out, and then you kind of start blocking out other people and just trying to focus, like, fixing this relationship, which you can't fix the person. Right. Did you do that towards the end or anything?[0:15:36] Alexandra: No, I think because I hadn't experienced abuse in my life. I was raised by relatively healthy parents, and my friends were all very healthy for the most part in life.[0:15:48] Brianne Davis: Come on, come on, please. I believe everybody has some sort of ism. Everybody goes some place where they don't want to feel their feeling.[0:15:59] Alexandra: That's true. Yes.[0:16:00] Brianne Davis: Don't believe her. everybody's got problems.[0:16:05] Alexandra: Yeah, that's true. But I just had never been abused. I guess I just didn't have that understanding. So when it was happening, it was just so boring, and it was just felt so extreme. So for me, instead of trying to fix him, I weathered it for a while, and I thought in my head, maybe this will change. I didn't do anything on my end to change him. I guess I just thought, maybe it will stop. And then just like, it didn't. And I was just like and at one point, it just like in one of our interactions, it was an episode of verbal abuse, and I was just like I had been kind of pushing it down and pushing it down, just dealing with it, and then I literally exploded. I remember that incident. I was just like, you know what? I want a divorce. And then I just got my stuff and I left.[0:16:54] Brianne Davis: Wait, you're the one that asked for divorce?[0:16:57] Alexandra: Yeah.[0:16:58] Brianne Davis: So what happened that got you to a place where you were like, Enough. What was that moment?[0:17:05] Alexandra: Well, I think it's like that fight or flight for the whole time it was happening, I was like, or avoiding. Right? Like, I was avoiding it, and I was, like, pushing it down. I guess I wasn't flying away, so I wasn't doing flight, but I was just, like, avoiding it.[0:17:19] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:17:19] Alexandra: And then that pushing down, eventually it kind of exploded in this incident. And that was like, the flight. Like, I want I want a divorce, but also flight because I just left.[0:17:27] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:17:27] Alexandra: But then I always thought in my head I might go back, even though I had said those words and I had laughed. I thought, well, maybe people reconcile, and maybe this will be the moment where he'll like, okay, I need to go to therapy and I figure this out. But he never really did, and he never really put in like, he I imagine in his mind, he thought he fought for the relationship after the marriage, but I didn't feel it. And so after we split up because it didn't there were still episodes of, like, sarcasm and passive aggression, and so I just kind of never went back. And then we had talks and stuff, but I just never returned to the marriage. And I just realized that I wanted not only more for myself, but I wanted kids. So I thought, if I'm going to have children, there's no way I would ever want them to be spoken to like that from their father. So if I want children, I need to end this marriage and seek out another relationship or whatever that looks like. And also just for me, even if I never had kids or never had another relationship, it's way better to be alone and feel sane and happy and healthy versus in a relationship where someone is making you not only not feel loved, but also, like, you start hating yourself. It was great. At the end of the relationship, I would talk to my best friend and just like, the words I was saying what myself were just so untrue.[0:18:53] Brianne Davis: Like, what were you saying?[0:18:54] Alexandra: So I was saying things like, I would be telling her stories, and then I would pause, like, but I'm just like, I'm not a good communicator. And she saw you, alex, my job as a teacher. I'm an elementary teacher. She's like you're a teacher. You talk the whole pace like you're not a bad communicator. Oh, okay. That's weird. Why am I saying this? Or maybe things like, I'm quite a sensitive person. She's like you're not. You're not sensitive.[0:19:29] Brianne Davis: Isn't it so funny that we try to turn it in on ourselves? Always, like, to take responsibility for someone else hurting us. We then turn it and twist it and make it about ourselves, like, there's something wrong with ourselves. Did you do that a lot at the end or during the relationship? After?[0:19:50] Alexandra: Yeah, it was crazy. That honestly, it was very traumatic. Obviously, I just pushed it away while it was happening, and then it was after the fact. After we split up, I had a full year of just a really dark depression. And during that time, it was just like I was just, like, saying horrible things to myself about myself. Like, no one's going to love you. Because he also told me that it's going to take a very special person to love me again.[0:20:18] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God, I want to strangle him right now. Everybody worse being loved. Like, if you're on this planet right now and you're born, you're worth loving. If anybody's telling anybody out there, that is the most abusive thing to say to somebody.[0:20:33] Alexandra: Yeah, it was stuff like that. Like I said, it was swearing. But it was also things like, there's something inherently wrong with you. It's going to take a special person to love you. There's something wrong with your family. So it took a long time of like, I believe these things, and then it took a while, and then I started seeing it to myself. I don't need to plug anything, but I have a book coming out. And in the book, I kind of talk about, like, I said these horrible things to myself after we split up for a long time, and I all of a sudden realized nobody's abusing me but myself. I was doing it.[0:21:10] Brianne Davis: I was the person to me, that's so fascinating. You just said that because I had a moment like that the other night, and I haven't talked about it, but I'm the villain of my story. I'm the one that speaks to myself the worse than anybody else. And I had this moment at 03:00 A.m. That I woke up and my subconscious was like, you're a loser. You're not good enough, all this stuff. And I literally was telling my brain, like, Stop. It's not true. But when other people tell you those things, you then start to believe them.[0:21:44] Alexandra: Yeah, and I think I wrote once, I said something like he had said words that planted invisible roots in my mind, and they were really hard to pull out. And I think that's what verbal abuse does and other abuse, but like, verbal abuse, it like, plants these roots and they grab your brain, and it's really hard to just pull them out and get them out of there because you're like, well, if they said it, there must be some truth to it. But there's not. Typically. There's not. Well, not usually. It's almost always about them. Always about them, not you.[0:22:19] Brianne Davis: Yeah. So you went through this dark, dark place. I mean, how dark did it go for you?[0:22:25] Alexandra: I talked about this online on social media and my blog. I went through depression and anxiety, and I was in a place like, I have suicidal ideation secretly again, that was another secret.[0:22:39] Brianne Davis: Here's another secret.[0:22:43] Alexandra: I remember that year after we split up, we still had the house we were trying to sell. And I'd be in that house, like, alone, and I would be coping by drinking, like, bottle after bottle of wine kind of thing, crying alone. And in those moments, I remember I had, like I thought I had written in my journal, like, I just want to, like, melt to the ground things. Like, I felt like I wanted to die.[0:23:06] Brianne Davis: Like disappear? Yeah.[0:23:07] Alexandra: Yeah, disappear. And I would sit there on the floor and I would like empty pill bottles. That's how I decided I would do it. And, like, every time I thought, okay, this is the time, I never did, because I didn't want to die. I realized what I wanted was to be free of what was going on in my mind. But at the time, I was suffering depression, so I couldn't logic that out at the time.[0:23:30] Brianne Davis: No, you can't. And that's the thing. I mean, I write about it in the book too. I love that you have a book coming out and telling your story. But it's like, I write about all these moments. You think about your death, and you're like, what is it going to be like? People are going to do this. Even at the beginning of my recovery, I talk about, like, I wish I wanted to just drive my car into the middle of the median just because I didn't want to feel this pain anymore. And you don't know what to do with it. The only thing I can say, and I think that's what you're saying, is you have to walk through it. You have to walk through that pain.[0:24:04] Alexandra: You have to. Otherwise it will continue to haunt you as long as you don't face it. If you can do it by yourself, great.[0:24:15] Brianne Davis: I don't know anybody that can do it by themselves. Because you can't fix your brain when your brain is what's? Sick.[0:24:23] Alexandra: Yeah, I need a therapy. Like, I need therapy. I didn't need pharmaceutical. That was something we talked about. But I decided in the moment, because event and experience created this, I thought, I can work through it in different ways. Because I hadn't been suffering, arguably, I hadn't had a chemical imbalance my whole life. So I was like, well, I'm going to try. And then that was always an option. Tosserize. But never had to. Which is I'm thankful I didn't have to, but I would have if it had continued, or if I had continued to have those intrusive thoughts. But yeah, just going through all that, I realized how traumatic verbal abuse really was. Because a lot of the trauma was from the divorce, but a lot of it was from this abuse.[0:25:10] Brianne Davis: I think, 100%. It's those invisible cuts, those invisible emotional cuts. I always think those are the hardest ones to, like you said, rip out the roof. Like, if someone hits you, you see the bruise, but if someone verbally abuses you, you can't see it. You can't say, See right here? When he said this, it made this mark on my soul or my face. You know what I mean?[0:25:33] Alexandra: Well, yeah, and I know this is going to sound crazy, sorry, I don't like that word, but kind of natty.[0:25:39] Brianne Davis: She's natty. I don't mind the word crazy people at all.[0:25:43] Alexandra: I've had people, I've used it before in reference to myself, and they got offended. So I don't want to offend anybody.[0:25:49] Brianne Davis: We offend people here all the time, and it's okay. We're all in this together.[0:25:54] Alexandra: Okay, good. But at the end of the relationship, I had wished that he had hit me, because then I'd have a bruise to show the evidence why I had to leave so fast from my marriage. And even during the marriage, there were moments where I was like, I wish you would just hit me. Because then I could be like, here's the bruise. Now you can see. You would for sure be like, oh, good. I'm glad you left. But verbal abuse, some people, they have a different, I guess, level of tolerance of it, too. Some people would be like, oh, he called you bitch. Like, that's not a big deal, whatever. Deal with it. Where other people would be like, that's horrible. Whereas physical abuse is very like, I think cut and dry people are like, no, leave. Which is that's why I say it's crazy. Like, I wish she had hit me, but at least then I'd have something to show.[0:26:39] Alexandra: Everything else shows invisible.[0:26:41] Brianne Davis: I've actually said that too. I've said that even with friendships. Because let's talk about friendships for a minute, which we never thought we were going to discuss. But even friendships, sometimes people abuse you or are a passive aggressive, like you said, and at moments, even with friendships. And I was like, I wish they just do something physical so I could get enough to work up the courage to leave. No, you should leave anyway. They're horrible up people. Like, they're abusive, but it's hard.[0:27:12] Alexandra: And friendships can sometimes be the hardest thing to break away from.[0:27:15] Brianne Davis: Oh, those are the worst, right? Friendship breakups are horrible. They are the worst pain I've ever been in.[0:27:25] Alexandra: And you will never be friends again. Like, even with a divorce or a breakup. Like, maybe one day you'll get back together, but likely not. But with a friendship, if you break up a friendship, you're probably done, because it's pretty extreme because people don't break up, they just sort of save each other out. Or there's a friendship break up. I was just talking about the other day about someone who has a friend that is arguably not treating them right, like being very passive aggressive and just saying weird things. And I said, you wouldn't tolerate it from your family, you wouldn't tolerate from your boyfriend, so why are you tolerating it from your friend? I think you need to establish a boundary with your friend and talk to this person, and hopefully they'll respond and realize, oh, my God, I'm being awful. And if they don't, then that's your evidence that you shouldn't be friends.[0:28:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I 100% agree. And that's what I think doing all this work for me is. It's like every relationship, it's just not about sex and love. It's literally every relationship.[0:28:23] Alexandra: Oh, for sure. Because a friendship can really if they're not treating you, that can just be awful.[0:28:30] Brianne Davis: It's just as bad. I believe it's just as bad. Now, you said you are now with someone, right? How is that? Obviously you've done the work, so that's the first thing you got to do the work afterwards because you'll take it into the next relationship, you'll bring that baggage. Correct?[0:28:47] Alexandra: Yes. And arguably before that, I should have done a bit more work. Like, I had done a lot of work, and I thought I was totally healed. And then when we had these consultants, I realized, well, maybe. There's a little bit more work to do.[0:29:00] Brianne Davis: Oh my God, that's so funny. I've literally done twelve years of intense work and I still get triggered by my husband. I'm like, there's another layer that I have to work on.[0:29:15] Alexandra: But it's been good. He's a deharta himself, so he understands that experience. And it's kind of funny. I'm kind of happy I ended up with someone who also went through that because we can kind of understand if stuff comes up, we can talk about it. And neither one of us is going to be like, oh, you're not over it. No, it's just this really crazy thing, extreme thing happened in both of our past, so we can kind of understand that. So he's super understanding. And sometimes if I do have a trigger and I overreact, I'll talk to him after it's done and the next day, I'm really sorry. And he was like, no, I understand. It's okay. And so he's so understanding and so he's kind of yeah, he's a great guy to be with, for me, for sure.[0:29:58] Brianne Davis: Yeah. But he doesn't fix it. That's the thing. You have to do it. You can't get into a good relationship because you won't know how to handle it because that trauma comes up. And one of the things we say is we tell each other like, okay, I'm getting really triggered. I don't know why right now. So I'm going to walk away and let's just put this on the table. Like that's what we said. We're like, time out. Something that's out. Or we use that word mistletoe, like mistletoe no more.[0:30:29] Alexandra: I love that.[0:30:32] Brianne Davis: It really does. Because there's something about you're going to get triggered. You're going to get triggered with your partner about family stuff, about things you haven't dealt with, your family, your friends, past relationships. And it's like you have to have that pause.[0:30:48] Alexandra: Yeah. And he's so good too. I didn't have, I guess, many serious relationships after my marriage. He was probably the most serious, but I had like, little things going on, relationships with people, and one of them, this guy would say if anything ever came up, and not even that much, but anything, he would refer to my ex husband as like a scumbag. That also was not a healthy response and it didn't help. It definitely didn't help because I was the one that married a scumbag. But then you feel bad, you're like, Well, I loved him. At some point he's like, that's not. And so with my now partner, he definitely even if I'm talking about these things that happen, he'll never take aim at him, which I appreciate it's more. Just like the things that happen and how I'm feeling and how I'm healing and stuff. Not nothing about him really calling him names, because that's just a sabbath, I think.[0:31:40] Brianne Davis: Oh, I love that because part of me wanted to call him a scumbag a couple of times and put an asshole like you know what I mean?[0:31:47] Alexandra: Like I wanted to say you can actually, I think I heard about that too. In my book, I say I'm a last call in the stomach and anybody that I give that privilege to can, but not some kind of dating doesn't have the right to say that.[0:32:01] Brianne Davis: Well, I know you have the blog with where's the blog so people can, if they want to reach out to you, if they're going through a similar thing, where can they reach you?[0:32:10] Alexandra: Yeah. So you can find me at the splendid Path. So www dot the splendidpath.com. And then I'm also pretty present on instagram at the alexandra. eva mae yay.[0:32:25] Brianne Davis: And one last question I have. If anybody out there is listening and they are in this type of relationship or feel like they are, they're not sure what would be your advice for them, like recognizing it, what would you wish you would have done?[0:32:39] Alexandra: So I think if you feel like you're in that type of relationship, you might be keeping it all to yourself, which does a lot of people do. I think the first step is to book therapy with a professional. You can do that now with the pandemic. There's so many people online. You can do it online, you can do it through an app even, or in person. I think some people are doing that. But focus therapy appointment to try to work through it with the professional. So that would be number one. And then number two, I think, realize that their behavior is not about you. It is about them. It is about how they handle whatever they're handling. It is completely about them. And what they're saying is not true. It's not true. It's a way to kind of take you down to make you feel as bad as they're probably feeling.[0:33:26] Alexandra: It's a way to like, erode your self confidence and it's not true. And you don't deserve that. And it would be better and healthier to be alone than to stay in this relationship or even seek out another one. It's healthier just to be alone and to be abused than to be with anybody. So if you're scared of being alone, like, it's tough. It can be tough to be alone. But it's so much better. And I was so much happier even when I was going through a grief, and I was like, I was so much happier because I was away from trauma.[0:34:00] Brianne Davis: Yeah, well, and I also just had this thought, even writing it down, like, you know, you have a communication with something and it just doesn't feel right in your stomach and you're like, oh, that hurt. Or I felt something writing it down, say I felt this way when he said this, or she said this. And it's like when you start writing it down, it's almost making it like so you can look back and go, oh, then this happened. Then he called me a bitch and then he was saying how ugly my dress is and no one would love me. I don't know, I'm just calling, but there's something about writing it down.[0:34:36] Alexandra: Oh, for sure. I think that no, that's actually what I did. That's a good point. I need like a list.[0:34:41] Brianne Davis: Look at me, I'm like I'll proud of myself, people, you can't see me, but I just smiled.[0:34:47] Alexandra: I need like a list.[0:34:49] Brianne Davis: Great.[0:34:49] Alexandra: I need a list because I was trying to make heads and tales of it and so I need a whole list and not actually after we split up because I was thinking of going back, which I made this list and it was like crazy long. Why would I go back to this? And so maybe yeah, you're right. Writing it down, making a list, and you can actually have a full scope of like, all that's happened.[0:35:10] Brianne Davis: Yeah. And write a list right after it happens. Like, yeah, this just happened because there's something about we can our minds can twist and manipulate ourselves and when it's written down, you can't twist that because it's written down that it happened. Do you know what I mean?[0:35:25] Alexandra: Yeah, exactly. I agree.[0:35:28] Brianne Davis: So glad you reached out to me. I'm so glad we talked about this. Honestly, I think people need to discuss this more because I think people use verbal abuse all the time and it's an epidemic and it's not okay anymore. So thank you so much for reaching out to me. Honestly, I'm so grateful.[0:35:44] Alexandra: Thank you so much for having me. This is so fantastic. And yeah, like you said, I agree, it's an epidemic and it starts with a young girl, a girls and teenage relationship. So it should be talked about more.[0:35:57] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you. And if you want to be on the show, please email me secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share air or send me a note at SecretLifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Max's Journey to Success: A Neurodivergent Story of Overcoming Challenges and Finding Belonging -- Max shares his unique journey of overcoming autism and his path to success. He talks about the tools he used to thrive in life, from the Listening Program app to extra-curricular activities. His vulnerable story is full of insight and inspiration, teaching listeners the power of determination and resilience. Max also reflects on his childhood and the experiences that shaped him. Hear his stories and learn from his advice in the Secret Life podcast._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com._____To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____About our guest, MAX KORTEN - Max, a former research and assessment coordinator at Lincoln University, is an assessment specialist at Strayer University. He hopes that his TEDx talk will inspire positive change within others.Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/max_korten_living_beyond_your_invisible_letterhttps://advancedbrain.com/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJi3xu5OOMM&t=6s_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Max: I did not like having autism. And I think in a way, I was almost trying to, like I was trying to, like, push myself out of autism.[0:00:15] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four-time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really? The what, when, where and why of it all.[0:01:14] Brianne Davis: My guest is Max. Now, Max, I have a question for you. What is your secret?[0:01:27] Max: When I was growing up, until I left for college, I was extremely abashed for having autism.[0:01:37] Brianne Davis: So you carried around for the longest time that you had autism and you didn't share it with anybody?[0:01:43] Max: Well, I was diagnosed when I was 18 months old, and this was in 1995 when autism was fairly new. But my family knew that I had autism. Some kids knew that I was a little off, but they didn't know the term right, because I definitely did stick out what's that phrase? You stick out with a four thumb.[0:02:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah. But I do want to ask, how did your parents know at 18 months? That's so young. So what were the signs? Because I know nothing about autism. I'm so glad you reached out. I'm so glad you're coming on, because I really want to be educated and my listeners to be educated. So please, any information.[0:02:33] Max: So I'm not 100% sure, but from what I vaguely remember, from what they've told me, I was not talking. I actually didn't learn how to speak until I was four. I was having sensory issues. And I also think that I'm not 100% certain that I wasn't really playing with other kids. Yeah, other kids around my age. So I think those were the things that I'm not 100% certain.[0:03:11] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Because I have adhd and my mom knew from a very young age as well. I talk about it. I could not learn the alphabet, like, to save my life. And she was so frustrated. So I always felt other than right on the outside. Did you feel that way growing up?[0:03:29] Max: Yeah, very much so. I did not really understand growing up. I didn't understand how kids communicated or I didn't really get the social and teenage jargon of how kids communicated. And because of that, I did have some brains, but I definitely felt like a bit socially isolated for my peers. This happened more so when I was like, in 3rd, fourth and fifth grade when anything horribly happened and it kind of came out of the blue, or if it was off routine of my schedule, I would just have a tetra tantrum.[0:04:25] Brianne Davis: Because you felt out of control or like, things were out of the norm for you?[0:04:29] Max: Out of the norm, yeah. But I really like having, like, a very stringent and stoic schedule. And any time that went off of track, then it just messed with my psyche.[0:04:51] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Do you think it was like because I love structure. Like, there's something about structure. When you have structure and what through your day and it's planned, that there's a sense of calmness and that you know what's next. So if anything deviated from that, it was, like, anxiety driven.[0:05:11] Max: Yeah. So individuals who have autism and some others who have adhd like yourself, or even Add, like structure, and when structure is, you know, off balance or gets thrown out the window, there are diverse individuals like myself tend to really just can't handle it. As I've gotten older, I've gotten much more used to it. I've gotten a lot of behavioral therapies that have really through, like, ot, occupational therapy, speech therapy, cbt, and just joining activities that have helped my brain and my autism to get structured to everyday life. But when I was very little, like eight through twelve, it was really difficult for me.[0:06:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Can you take us back to that difficulty? And I also wanted to ask, did your parents have difficulty as well? Like I said, my mom it was very hard for my mom, god bless her, I love her, but they don't teach parents how. There's no manual to how to help your child when they're struggling. So how did your parents handle it?[0:06:36] Max: So actually, it's weird. I've never really asked my parents how they handled it.[0:06:41] Brianne Davis: Really?[0:06:43] Max: No.[0:06:44] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Let's get them on.[0:06:49] Max: Just some backtrack. My parents are actually divorced. They divorced when I was like, eight or nine. But even though they divorced and I think they did a fairly good job with trying to structure things and trying to keep me occupied. And both of my parents remarried, and my stepparents my step dad and step mom are really helpful and are still really helpful with me and getting acclimated to my autism. If I were to guess, I'm sure it was pretty stressful for them, especially when I was in elementary school, because they were trying to help me. And I have a younger sister who is 20 months younger than me, like two babies.[0:07:42] Brianne Davis: They had two babies at the same time. Oh, my God. God bless your parents. That's a lot of just one baby is hard enough. When people have, like, two indictments at the same time, it's like, oh, my God, god bless you.[0:07:55] Max: But yeah, I actually didn't understand the concept of divorce when I was nine. I just thought they were kind of doing what I considered in child's terms, like a rum springer.[0:08:09] Brianne Davis: I don't know.[0:08:09] Max: I just thought it was like a rum spring in my mind. I thought they were just taking a break. And it was when I was, like, ten years that I was like, that I learned the concept of divorce and whatnot. I just didn't get it. My dad moved out. Well, it helped him move things to his apartment. And I don't know, it just didn't really affect me. I don't know.[0:08:39] Brianne Davis: Interesting.[0:08:40] Max: I don't know why. Again, I think it was just this idea of a rum springer. Like, my dad was just taking a break and moving out the house. That was just, like, the first thing that came to mind for me. Like, at eight years old.[0:08:54] Brianne Davis: Nine years old, right. Okay. So there's your sister, and you and your parents are separated. And then how soon after did they get remarried?[0:09:05] Max: So my dad and my step mom got remarried when I was going into 7th grade.[0:09:14] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:09:16] Max: My mom and stepdad met when I was in fifth grade, and they were cohabitated for a while, and they just actually got married five years ago.[0:09:29] Brianne Davis: They waited they waited longer.[0:09:33] Max: Yeah. My stepdad has been presently in my life since I was probably eleven.[0:09:39] Brianne Davis: Can you tell me some of the things that you had to do differently from other kids? Just so I can, because I had to do flashcards. I had to go to tutors. It was really hard for me. I was so embarrassed on a daily basis at school. Like, I couldn't read in classes. If the teacher asked me, I'd be like, no, thank you.[0:10:02] Max: So I had an eight until I was in 7th grade, I think. I think it was 7th. And I also had, like, academic enrichment. So that was a combination of that that just helped me with study skills and managing my homework. And I have something called executive processing. So executive processing means that when someone says something or when someone is talking, you might not be able to code all the information at a faster pace as a neuro typical person does.[0:10:45] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:10:46] Max: So executive processing was an issue. I would say those were, like, the big three, like, organization, executive processing, and definitely, like, managing, like, my mood from, you know, like, if anything was, like, off balance, just, like, trying to manage my mood.[0:11:08] Brianne Davis: So what are some of those tools that you learned? Can you remember?[0:11:15] Max: One of the things for executive processing that I guess I could say as a life saver was when I was 16. So my sophomore year, my mom is really my speech therapist had found that there was this thing that came out, and it's called the listening program. And it was like this brand new how do I say it's? This brand new technological system that helps integrate the two parts of your brain to communicate with each other.[0:11:50] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:11:50] Max: So what was happening was before I was 16, the left and right side of my brain were not communicating with each other. And that's why I was struggling with reading. I wasn't really struggling, but it was taking me longer to understand reading passages or trying to organize my essays or even just and it also goes back to communicating with my peers. Like this listening program, I've been doing it for twelve years. It helps me communicate with my peers because there's different levels in the listening program, and it involves executive functioning, processing, and communication. And also I think there's like a part where it involves motor skills. So like motor ability. So not falling down. Yeah, and I started doing it when I was 16. Essentially what you do is that you listen to these headphones. When I got them, it was through an ipod, because this was back in 2010, and it was the structured headphones with the ipod. And you essentially listen to orchestra music. Oh yeah, you listen to orchestra music and you're listening to different instruments, but basically you're listening to different instruments at the same time.[0:13:30] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:13:30] Max: And what it does is that it helps the two parts of your brain, your left and right brain, to communicate with one another. There's actually an app for it. So I just have the app on my phone and I listen to it through these Sony headphones that I have here.[0:13:48] Brianne Davis: Can you share the app in case anyone yeah, if anything's resonating, let's share the app to help. What is it called?[0:13:56] Max: It's called abt listening program. Yeah, it's an app. I'm just looking at it now. It's called the listening program. By advanced brain technologies, I believe. And I'm not 100% sure. I think it's when you start it's $35 a month.[0:14:19] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:14:20] Max: That's what I currently pay. I think when it first came out, it was a lot more expensive because you had to get the actual kit and the ipod. I don't know if they have that anymore because technology has evolved last twelve years, but there's like an actual website for it and their headquarters are in Utah. I would 100% recommend it. I guess you could say it was a lifesaver because I've been using it for the last almost 13 years.[0:14:53] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I would say it's an effective tool if you've been using it for 13 years. But when you just said reading comprehension, all of that literally my entire body was like, I know how that feels. So would you be in class in school? Did other kids know you are autistic? Or did they just think you had a learning disability? How did you handle that stress? Because I didn't handle it well. I really like, shut down as a human. I let my learning disability kind of run my life. But it sounds like you had such great support. So how was that for you?[0:15:30] Max: I think in middle school and early high school, it was very difficult because I really wanted to have friends and a cohort of friends, but I didn't have that. And the other thing was, when I was in 7th grade, I moved I moved to a new town. So moving in middle school middle school is awkward in general, but moving middle school is torture.[0:15:58] Brianne Davis: Torture.[0:16:00] Max: It's awkwardness on top of awkwardness. So I moved at a very, I guess you could say a very bizarre time in my life. 7th, 8th and 9th grade were pretty awkward. I think the main things that really helped me were when I started running in 7th grade. And that really helped because when I was doing an extracurricular activity, I had done swimming before, but this really helped my social emotional behavior because I was doing a team sport. So I did cross country track, and I did that competitively for ten years. I did it for 7th grade until my senior year of college. So that helped me be part of.[0:16:59] Brianne Davis: A team, be part of something other than yourself. So that would be like, if you have a child, maybe getting them into a sport that they enjoy, obviously not pushing it on them, they have to enjoy it. But that might be something, because I didn't do that. I didn't join any sports or anything.[0:17:15] Max: Yeah, okay, so I joined a sport. I don't know how your high school was, but my high school was very competitive, and when I got to high school, I don't know, I kind of just hit the ground running. I really wanted to do well in high school for myself, so I pushed myself, probably pushed myself a little bit too hard at times. So I did track and cross country.[0:17:47] Brianne Davis: You were overachiever.[0:17:48] Max: Yeah, I was an overachiever.[0:17:51] Brianne Davis: I was not. I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to do any of that. I was, like, not interested.[0:17:58] Max: I was hardcore over achiever. I just choir. I was in the National Honor Society. I did a couple you thrived.[0:18:08] Brianne Davis: Maybe you should be doing this and I should be coming on, talking about the secret of my learning disability and being bullied. You thrived like, you really did.[0:18:18] Max: Yeah, I took five AP classes. I was in the National Honor Society, people. So, yeah, to say, like, I was an overachiever was an understatement. But again, I went to a very competitive high school. Like, people in my high school went to ivy League schools in, like, Stanford and georgetown and emery, so, like, those very top niche schools, and I wanted to fit in with my peers.[0:18:53] Brianne Davis: Well, here's the thing. It's like when you're saying that right now, it's really beautiful because you took something that made you different and you got the tools, and it sounds like your parents really supported you and got you what you needed to keep succeeding in our society is whatever you want to call it, but you really just thrived. And it almost gave you this upper hand of your unique in a beautiful way. Because I believe people with autism are learning disabilities. Our brains work differently, and there is a very beautiful thing I see now, but I still have residue of being bullied. Did you ever get bullied or no?[0:19:34] Max: A little bit in 8th grade.[0:19:36] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:19:38] Max: But I actually went to the guidance counselor because I was getting bullied because I was not happy. But the thing is, Brian, I did not like having autism. And I think, in a way, I was almost trying to make myself try to be neurotypical. So while I was really thriving and pushing myself, I was almost, like, trying to I was trying to push myself.[0:20:09] Brianne Davis: Out of autism and run from it. Like, keep it a lie almost to yourself a secret almost to yourself. It's not there. It's not there. It's not there.[0:20:19] Max: I basically was telling myself, by the time I graduated from high school, I have to be cured or get all my support out. I think it was something along the lines of, like, I can't have any more support after I graduate. These are the four years that I have to crunch down and grind and make sure that I can be independent and self sufficient by 18. But I think I took that almost a little bit too personally and literally because everyone had support services beyond high school. And, like, I wish I had known that because I don't think I would have stressed myself out or would have stretched myself in all the time, because I think I pushed myself. I'm glad that I pushed myself, but I was almost pushing myself in a way to survive.[0:21:23] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it is, like, superhuman effort. It's like this superhuman effort. And then you get to what, graduating high school and then did you just give up all your support system? What happened?[0:21:36] Max: When I graduated high school, I was actually kind of burnt out, to be honest.[0:21:42] Brianne Davis: You think, jeez, I'm burnt out. While you're telling me everything you were doing. I'm like, can I take a nap? Like, I'm tired.[0:21:50] Max: Yeah, I was definitely burnt out a little bit. But back in 2012, the expectation was to go to college.[0:22:00] Brianne Davis: Yes, but now they say you shouldn't go to college. Just so you know, like, new studies are saying you can actually do better without college.[0:22:08] Max: Yeah. So I wish I had taken, like, maybe a break or maybe taking a semester off just to chill out a little bit. But I was still in that go go attitude and, like, wanting to thrive. And when I got to college, even though I could utilize my support systems, I could get extra time on test, and I could take a test in a quiet room. I wasn't using that at first. And looking back on that, I kind of think I'm the biggest idiot because I was shooting myself on the phone.[0:22:47] Brianne Davis: Yeah. No, I did too. Like, taking the sats and tests. I didn't use those extra tools I could have because I didn't want to feel different from anybody else.[0:22:57] Max: Yeah. So when I got to college, I was trying to essentially trying to be like the typical college student that you see in TV and media, and I was shooting myself in the foot, and I'm like, I can't do this. My parents are paying a lot of money for me to go here, and I want to do well. And what made me feel more comfortable about myself when I got to college is unlike high school or even like the K through twelve system, I think how people in college tend to be a little bit more open about their vulnerabilities. So that's what I talked about in my Ted Talk was that people had these invisible letters. So for me, my invisible letter was A for autism. But I had met people, whether it was like, my track team and I was also in Greek Life or through other organizations who are going through these insecurities, and you would have never known it. So it made me feel like, less alone. And that's when I realized I had to be more authentic to myself.[0:24:16] Brianne Davis: So what do you remember, like, the first step doing it, doing the Ted Talk? Was that like, the moment you felt a freedom from that bondage of self, or was there a moment you can remember that you're like, aha, that was like, the thing that something switched.[0:24:34] Max: So I guess you could say, like, I started to reveal that I was autistic in little baby steps. So I reveal to my classmates I had autism in my senior year because I shared my college speech in a class. And I remember that was like, the first time that I had done that. And then I think it was around like, my sophomore year of college, that's when I started to, like, meet people. It wasn't really a specific person. It was just like different friends or acquaintances who are kind of just going through different vulnerabilities that you would have.[0:25:16] Brianne Davis: Never life struggles, things.[0:25:18] Max: Yeah, and that's what made me reveal my own insecurities and what I had gone through.[0:25:27] Brianne Davis: Here's my question, though. Did you have any backlash? Did anybody ever make you feel bad? Or was it just this warm, like, we accept you for who you are?[0:25:41] Max: Everyone was accepting. I had one teammates, and I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about this. He just did not like me for personal reasons and essentially was trying to bully me. But that's just like another therapy session, you know?[0:26:02] Brianne Davis: I love a good therapy session. Come on. No, but that's what I'm trying to teach my son what you just said. I said not everybody's going to like you and you're never going to understand why some people are just not going to like you.[0:26:14] Max: Yeah, at that point, I just didn't care and I didn't need permission for him to like me. But, yeah, I felt very welcome and it helped me succeed in college and I eventually did very well. I got this very prestigious award my senior year that was only given to, like, I think, 20 students. I went to graduate school and got a master's in higher ed, and currently my background is in research and evaluation. That's what I do for my current career.[0:26:55] Brianne Davis: Wow. You're still an overachiever, but that's a beautiful thing. It's like your autism didn't slow you down. It probably even made you even have more life experiences and learn more things in a different way. And you're actually making me proud that I have, like, a learning disability because for so long I kept it such a secret and I was in so much shame for sure.[0:27:20] Max: No neuro diverse people. They are like their own little what's the word? Their own little creature happened. You're an actor and you're starting this podcast. You have so much to be grateful for.[0:27:36] Brianne Davis: I know when I wrote a book and it was best seller and I was like, oh, my God, I did that. I built to this day, and I did that. What? Do you ever have those moments where you're like, I did that, like your Ted Talk where you're like, I did that. Well, thank you so much for coming on, but I do have a couple more questions before if there's any parents out there or anybody that's like, oh, my God, this is hitting a core of something going on with my child or even with myself. What would be your first advice for them?[0:28:09] Max: Don't freak out.[0:28:12] Brianne Davis: Don't go into panic.[0:28:14] Max: Don't freak out. I think my best well, the one thing I would recommend is looking into the listening program. I mean, like, to say that was a lifesavers and understatement. Okay. Get your child involved in extracurricular activities. Obviously, they have to enjoy it. If they're not enjoying it, then you don't want to push them too hard because then they're going to get acclimated, like you said, into doing something outside of themselves internally.[0:28:51] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you. And we will link that learning app and learning program below so people can go to it and see what it is and all that. Is there anything else you want the listeners to know about your journey, about releasing yourself of the secret and baby steps throughout the years? Is there any closing words you want to say?[0:29:12] Max: I just want to say thank you to my family and friends who believed in me when there were times I didn't believe in myself.[0:29:21] Brianne Davis: That makes me want to cry. Where can people find you if they have any questions or anything.[0:29:27] Max: Yeah, so they can email me. My email is Maxorden korten, 26, at@gmail.com. I would also say for people, because there's also been a growing trend of adults being diagnosed with autism. There's a LinkedIn group that I follow. It's called Non neurodivergent. I think that's the name of it.[0:29:55] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:29:55] Max: But it's for professionals who are neuro divergent, and just trying to navigate the workforce really helps me because when I started working, I really didn't know any other nerdive, urgent individuals in the workforce.[0:30:14] Brianne Davis: Thank you so much for sharing that and thank you for coming on.[0:30:19] Max: Thank you, Brian.[0:30:20] Brianne Davis: If you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Billy shares his journey as he gambled his way to six figures in four years of college. Hear his stories of risky escapades at Mohegan Sun Casino and underground poker clubs, and learn how he hustled his way to success. Listen in on his thoughtful advice on managing gambling habits, and be inspired by his positive attitude despite his losses. It's a unique view of gambling, honesty and willingness to change.Compulsive gambling, also called gambling disorder, is the uncontrollable urge to keep gambling despite the toll it takes on your life. Gambling means that you're willing to risk something you value in the hope of getting something of even greater value.NATIONAL PROBLEM GAMBLING HELPLINE - 1-800-522-4700The National Council on Problem Gambling operates the National Problem Gambling Helpline Network. The network is a single national access point to local resources for those seeking help for a gambling problem. The network consists of 28 contact centers that provide resources and referrals for all 50 states, Canada, and the US Virgin Islands. Help is available 24/7 and is 100% confidential.The National Problem Gambling Helpline Network also includes text and chat services. These features enable those who are gambling online or on their mobile phone to access help the same way they play. One call, text, or chat will get you to problem gambling help anywhere in the U.S. 24/7/365.Help is also available via an online peer support forum at www.gamtalk.org._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com____Guest Billy Procida is a nonmonogamous sex-positive comedian in New York City and host of The Manwhore Podcast. His show is consistently listed as a Top Sex & Dating Podcast by Esquire, Uproxx, and Men's Health. Billy's writing has also been featured in the New York Time's Magazine, Marie Claire, and Mashable. He also runs a monthly Naked Comedy Show in Bushwick. Yes, actually.Twitter: @TheBillyProcidaInstagram: @billyisprocidaOnlyFans: @callmebillyThe Manwhore Podcast - apple or spotify_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Billy: I've been the Gamblers Anonymous a few times. I think like three times I've been the Gamblers Anonymous. I don't really like it because they say that to be a member, the first thing you have to do is have a desire to quit gambling. And I don't want to quit gambling. I just want to stop losing.[0:00:20] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really?[0:01:18] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, why, or why it all today. My guess is Billy. Now, Billy, I have a question for you. Don, what is your secret?[0:01:30] Billy: I have a gambling problem.[0:01:35] Brianne Davis: Okay, tell me about it.[0:01:38] Billy: Yeah. What was interesting when we were talking about doing this, it's like, well, what secrets do I have? Because I'm also a podcaster. I do a show called The Man Who Are Podcast. So it's like, I live my life very publicly on the Internet, especially like, my sex and dating life. So it's all out there. And I was like, what don't I really talk about? And when you ask people to support your artistic career with things like patreon and other ventures, you feel self conscious about being like, I'm going to try really hard not to gamble with this money, but I also might and I'm so sorry.[0:02:14] Brianne Davis: Oh my God. I never thought about it in that element. Wow. So first let's talk. When did you become a gambling addict? When did you start gambling? Was it really young?[0:02:24] Billy: Yeah, I think my introduction was probably somewhere around like, let's just say 1011, maybe like eleven with scratch off tickets. I used to go down the street to the pizza shop, like a half mile from my house after school every day. But I have a sports practice. I would go down there, have a few slices, read the paper like an old man, total old man, talk to the adults. Which now, by the way, when I go there, I'm seeing the adults would have talked to at 1120 years. I'm like, oh my God, you were like in your 20s or thirty s and I thought you were so old. But I would go down there and chat because I didn't have a lot of friends. I got bullied a lot. So this pizza shop was like, a refuge for me, and the dudes behind the counter would play scratch offs, and the only time I got to play scratch off is, like, christmas, when, like, everyone gets one in the stocking. But it was great. When you won, you lost, and if you win, you can just trade it in for more tickets to then eventually lose. Because a gambler doesn't want to win. A gambler just wants to gamble, and eventually we lose. That's when we notice stop gambling. That were like, when the place is closing down, I would give my money to, like, there was a quick stop thing next to the pizza shop.[0:03:40] Billy: I would give the pizza, the guy, my little list, and my little $10 allowance money because they also played a scratch off. Everyone's a junkie, so they go next door for me, and they get my tickets, and then I would caress them and hound them to go next door. I wasn't very cognizant of context of things, so it's in a rush, and I'm bugging them. I wasn't really manipulating it's like, hey, Robbie, you go next door to get tickets. Can you get me my tickets, or can you cash in my tickets? So that's where it started. And then, like, middle school age online poker, like, underground online poker was starting to happen, and there was this weird gimmick where somebody's parent would, let's say, let them put $200 in their all Star poker's account. I even remember what the site was at the time. And then they would just barter and trade the credit because you could transfer credits to accounts. So someone's like, oh, can I give you $20 to transfer me, like, ten into my account? Because my parents won't let me gamble with their money. And so there was that whole racket going on. And so then I was starting to play some online poker, and then it would progress until I got to boarding school, and they're like, you weren't allowed to gamble. So I was like, yeah, I was a rule follower told square. So I was like, Why?[0:04:57] Billy: I don't break the rules because I don't want to get into trouble. Because at my school, if you got in trouble, you had to do, like, a 05:30 a.m. Workout. And I hate waking up early. I don't mind the workout. The workout was, like, a 630 p. M. Workout.[0:05:09] Brianne Davis: You're all for the dice.[0:05:11] Billy: Yeah, but I'm not waking up at 530 and going to the gym. No, thank you. But there was a loophole. The loophole was you could gamble for food, so, like, you could gamble pizza. Oh, yeah. And board of school pizza is currency.[0:05:23] Brianne Davis: It sounds like a prison.[0:05:29] Billy: I went to an alternative kid boarding school. I don't know if you heard the term trouble. Teen industry.[0:05:35] Brianne Davis: Yes.[0:05:36] Billy: So my school was on the very, very light end of that spectrum. So we sometimes get kids from these wild schools you hear stories about in the news. Like, if they behaved well enough, sometimes they get to come to our school. So it wasn't prison, but it was strict. You'd have, like, N 64 or PlayStation. So I would play, like, NFL Blitz or something where we play poker. But for pizzas. A lot of us were putting the pizzas on, like, mom or Dad's credit card. I don't know if I've ever said this. I ran up a bill on my mom's credit card at some place special, which was, like, the local pizza shop. And I would run up a bill because a kid took me for ten pizzas. And then my mom's like, why did I get charged for $130 from someplace special? It's like, because you know what? I really need to practice harder at this video game. I really need to, like I need to do the work if I'm going to gamble it.[0:06:29] Brianne Davis: Wow. What age was that?[0:06:32] Billy: That's all the high school.[0:06:33] Brianne Davis: Wow. So here's what I just want to stop and ask you what would happen if you're talking about it now, is anything happening in your body? Because there was a little jolt I felt from you telling the story about it.[0:06:46] Billy: Well, as I told you before we started, I live my life very publicly. I don't have a lot of secrets. I got a couple of secrets because I think it's healthy to have a few. It's like, I got to have a couple. I need something for my first book, right? There needs to be something that a headline will be like, billy Procedure admits to Blank in his first debut novel, which is on the bestseller list. No big deal. I got to save a couple of things for the first Man Whore book. But I was like, what? Do I not get to talk? I just don't get to talk about this? Everyone's interviewing me about, like, sex stuff, which is fine and great.[0:07:20] Brianne Davis: I get that's what I wanted to interview you about, because I am a sex and love addict. So I'm like, let's talk about the gambling.[0:07:29] Billy: I imagine I would come on and share that, except all my sex life is public. There's no secret there. But this is something, like, I don't even really think about. I haven't thought about Adam Mizrah beating me for ten pizzas and NFL bullets since I don't know when. Like, I haven't even thought about this. He would use Peyton Hillis as running back a lot. Literally, I haven't thought about that. Sophomore year, wow. I was on probably, like, Three East the wing I was on. Yeah. That's crazy. So I just haven't thought about this, and I don't get to talk about it very often.[0:08:00] Brianne Davis: Well, this is the perfect place. So then when was the next thing you gambled and it just amplified?[0:08:07] Billy: Also when I would go home on breaks, you could gamble. So I place them online poker, the scratch off racket. And then when I got to college, I remember sophomore year college, I went to like, my five year high school reunion. I went to some sort of I went back to my born school, and all the kids who went up, all the other alum, we were hanging out, we were drinking some beer. They can't give us whatever. And then someone's like, oh, let's go to Mohegan Sun. Now we're all underage. Yeah, like, I'm 19, by the way. I like gambling at the native American casinos more than, like, Atlantic City because, like, when I lose that Mohegan Sun, I feel like I'm doing good. There's some kids who know, like, calculus now because I paid for those books. So it's like, this is better your.[0:08:57] Brianne Davis: Due, good service, going to lose at the Mohegan Sun casino.[0:09:03] Billy: Yeah, community service. This is good karma. When I lose here, if I lose in Atlantic City, it's just going to somebody's bank account. So. Anyways, let's go to Mohegan Sun. I had a fake ID, but I never been to a casino because I was underage. And we got in. I didn't realize, at least in Connecticut, there's not like, someone at the door. Even in Jersey, I'm pretty sure there's not like someone at the door. I go in another state sometimes, though, you walk and right there, it's like, what's your ID? But here is more like you walk around and somebody might card you, and most likely you are going to get carded if you ask for drinks. So we just didn't ask for booze, no problem. And I got to go ahead and lose my $100 at blackjack. Like, fine, but then that let me know, oh, I can get into a casino underage. And so then I would start to go.[0:09:53] Billy: Now in college, I don't got a lot of money, so I'm like driving up 3 hours Mohegan Sun from New York to gamble with $100 to $200, which when you're back at blackjack does not last very long.[0:10:09] Brianne Davis: I thought you were like, maybe doing the nickel slots. I would take it to the nickel slot and it would take a long time.[0:10:15] Billy: No, the slots nonsense.[0:10:20] Brianne Davis: Like the old lady slot. That's what I would do.[0:10:23] Billy: The slots are for bachelorette parties and guys who don't know what they're doing. Okay, I'm taking this seriously. I would start going up there, and I'm going up a little bit. At that time, junior year, I discovered underground poker scene in New York City, right. And after a couple of times playing, I very quickly was introduced to dealing. My boss was named Scotty Cards because of course it was I didn't know his last name, scotty Cards. He was in my phone with Scotty Cards. So he introduced himself to people on the street. And so Scotty cards taught me how to deal. And he was like, do you think you could get other college kids to come play at our game. I was like, yeah. So I would get kids to come in. I got to learn how to deal, and I got to make money. When you're dealing, can't really lose. So I would start dealing, but then what happens happens is I take the money I make from dealing, and then I would play on other nights, I'd go up to the casino, and then I just lose there.[0:11:22] Billy: We just keep moving the money around. Yeah, but now I'm in the underground poker scene. I'm going to poker clubs around. It's like that movie Rounders. Like that. I'm running around the city playing with old men when I'm not dealing cards. And all this money is really just funneling back into the gambling. I started webcamming junior year college. I webcammed for a couple of years, did all right. I was, like, making $100 to $500 a week very casually, just sitting in there doing webcamming.[0:11:52] Brianne Davis: What do you mean?[0:11:53] Billy: You know what webcamming is?[0:11:55] Brianne Davis: I know, but I want you to answer.[0:11:57] Billy: Oh, webcamming people don't know. Or pretending they don't know is that yeah, I'd sit in a chat room and when dudes or dudes pretending to be women wanted to watch me take my clothes off or touch myself or do something kind of like one time a guy was just like, I just want you to sit around fart, pick your nose, be a gross dude. Which is weird because I know all the lyrics to Rent, and I'm like, I don't think I'm like the dude I am. Make money per minute, like $3 a minute talking to people, and if they want me to take my clothes off or jerk off, I could do that. Can I swear on this? I didn't.[0:12:37] Brianne Davis: Yes.[0:12:38] Billy: This show is okay. Awesome. Fuck. Now this is money that goes back into the gambling. I did a lot. I hustled hard in college. I estimate that I probably made about six figures in my four years in college. On the side, between the poker dealing and the webcamming, I did, like, textbook buybacks, and I also like, I fucking sold fake IDs. Which, by the way, I have the research statute of limitations this morning just to make sure I could talk about this comfortably on a recorded show. But I used to deal fake IDs all four years of college.[0:13:14] Brianne Davis: Yeah, so you would make them, or you found somebody to make them?[0:13:18] Billy: No, I knew a guy. I'm very North Jersey Italian like that. I don't do anything. I know a guy.[0:13:24] Brianne Davis: You know a guy who knows a guy, and then they help.[0:13:27] Billy: Yeah, well, like, I grew up on my dad operates on the guy's system. My dad's got a guy for everything. He's like, oh, Billy, you need new tires. Oh, you got to go use my tire guy. Gary, here's what you're going to do. You're going to go to hackensack. You're going to go to corner second and south fourth. You're going to go to Gary's Used Tire Shop and Grill. Okay? Naturally, of course, because that's where the guy is going to operate something sketchy. Weird business. What time we fucking. We're going to the jets game. When I was a kid, and we stopped at this shut down gas station, and there's legit a white van in there. And in the back of the white van, there's a bunch of knock off, like jets and Giants.[0:14:09] Billy: Merch my dad makes very good money. My dad's one of those top percent people. He's fine, but I think he grew up a bit on the poorer side, so I think that's still in him. So he's like, oh, I know I could take you to Sport Authority and buy you a proper jets hoodie.[0:14:27] Brianne Davis: But he wants a discount. He wants it under, like in the dirty cellar basement.[0:14:35] Billy: Makes him feel like a kid again. He's like, oh, no, we're going to do this. No, I've been doing this for decades. We go to the gas station to the guy in the van. So I had a guy who made IDs. And at first it was like, oh, can I get mine? Great. But then what would happen is like, oh, some of my friends wanted one. So I was like, hey, I got a few friends who need okay, cool. And they say, hey, if you could get this many people, I'll give you this discount on them. I'm like, can? Okay. So I was like, okay, let me get him five at a time. I get to keep the difference. That's fun.[0:15:05] Billy: And then I kept coming back to him. So he's like, look, I'll give you this deal so you can make more money if you want, if you want to keep bringing me big orders. So then I start bringing in bigger orders, like ten at a time, 15 at a time. And over the years, he would upgrade his equipment. So it started with these horrendously, bad New York fake IDs. I feel almost guilty selling them New York fake IDs. But by the time I graduated, he'd upgrade to California and Texas, which at the time was like, crumb. That was like the Rolls Royce of a fake ID was like the California fake. So we could charge more. But then he was giving me these stupid low rates. So he would charge me like $40 per ID. When if you went directly to him, he charged you over $100. So he charged me like, $40. I would charge like 200 or $160.[0:15:55] Brianne Davis: You're making good money.[0:16:00] Billy: That was my biggest money maker, was the brokering fake IDs. And I would tell friends, I would be like, hey, get me ten friends. I'll give you yours free. So now they're bringing me a cluster, and I'm getting all this on the top. By senior year, what was happening was kids would go home, they'd use a fake ID. Their friends from the other schools, wherever they lived would be like, oh, yours is great. And they put me in touch. So then by senior year, I'm mailing like, ten to 20 IDs at a time to the University of Oregon or like, I don't know, something Texas. I'm mailing shit across.[0:16:33] Brianne Davis: Very illegal entrepreneurial. I'm kind of proud of you in a very disturbing way. I don't know why. I'm like, Good for you. Good money making scheme. Maybe that's the addict in me. I'm like, yeah, that's a good tactic.[0:16:48] Billy: Yeah. I was always a hustler. Even if I did textbook buybacks during final season, I was fucking carrying around in a big suitcase, going door to door at every door, and I'm knocking on every door saying, I want to buy your textbooks. I liked making money. I liked being good at that. But it always really to feed gambling. The gambling book would be titled something like How I Made Six Figures in College and How I Lost It all. Because when I graduated, I didn't, like, have this money. Like, it just it was at a variety of poker clubs and casinos, you know, and so that's college is where it really started to soar when I graduated, then I just had more freedom. Now I'm like, I can freely drive and go up or take the bus to Mohegan or Atlantic City or whatever. So now I have more time to do things because I was just pursuing comedy full time. I had some money. I had a little nest egg thing that could live off for about a year. But I'm pretty much just like, I'm dealing poker and I'm gambling.[0:17:51] Brianne Davis: It's almost like you were enjoying being in the CD underworld with it.[0:17:55] Billy: There is a sense of community to that. So I play back gaming. If people don't know what back m is, ask your grandparents or dead all seance ask them then, because it's either you're a junkie like me or you're over 60. Like, no one plays Backham. Nobody during COVID Yeah, nobody. It's like you'd say Backham and they're like, what? But if you have someone's like Jewish grandfather, you say chess pesh and be like, oh, yes, I know this game. So I started playing. I learned. I always knew I played back am, and I would play with the pizza boss from back in the day. He taught me, like, the basics, but I wasn't very good. Now I'm fucking slam him. I'm much better at him now. But then I saw someone in Washington Square Park with a back ammon board. I was like, oh, I'd love to play back ammon.[0:18:41] Billy: They hang out with the chess people. It's kind of all that little crew.[0:18:44] Brianne Davis: Yeah.[0:18:44] Billy: Then I start playing back ammon, but they play for money because they're like, well, I can't waste my time doing this. So I am learning how to gamble with backgammon now. By the way, I've already stopped the figure game. Yeah.[0:19:03] Brianne Davis: You can't just play for fun.[0:19:06] Billy: I would have, but these grown men wouldn't because those guys in the park, they're working, those are hustlers, the chess guys in the back of and people in Washington Square Park, union Square, they're hustling. That's kind of their work job. Sometimes they do lessons as like, a guarantee, but otherwise they gamble chess, they gamble Back Avenue. So now I've got a new game I can play with and lose my money on. And in 2013, in the summer of 2013, I had a really bad session. I pretty much lost the last of my money. I was trying to find a job. I was having trouble finding a regular day job or whatever. I was still dealing with poker, but I kind of wanted to stop doing that. And I had a big bad loss to the point that was like, I got to owe this guy money, and then I had to move out of my apartment and move back home.[0:19:54] Brianne Davis: How much did you owe?[0:19:56] Billy: Okay, it wasn't a lot of money, but I was just, like, kind of running on fumes in the first place. So it was like rent. Yeah, I was bottoming out. I was like, hey, I can give you 300 now, but I'm going to owe you like, another seven or whatever the number was because I don't have it, and one day I'll have it. I'll give it to you. But I didn't have to tell my roommates, like, hey, I got to move out next month. And I moved back home for like, nine or ten months, something like that. I was like, okay, I got to chill the fuck out. The gambling kind of went on pause. I started looking for an actual job. And then when I did get an office job, I worked my way back to the city, paid that guy back, but the itch is still there. And then around that time, online poker got legalized in New Jersey. So now I've got another place. You see the patterns. Like, I am presented with new these are fun games.[0:20:52] Billy: It's like, oh, my God, it's fun. Here's a new way to have risk.[0:20:55] Brianne Davis: And to alive and get the jolt in the high. And it's all colors. They made it all colorful now online.[0:21:03] Billy: Yeah, but quickly back with the back, because you mentioned that I did the CD underground sitting. Even with the poker, there is community. So right now, if you go to the Union Square right now in New York City and you go to the chess guys, most of them know me, and I know that because I've been playing with them and hanging out with them for like a decade at this point. Like, some of them I'm sincerely friendly with, right? We bust each other's balls. I say, hey, what's up? Sometimes I go by and hang out for ten minutes. I'm not even playing. I'm just like watching a game or catching up or something because I talk about sex for a living. Like I have an only fan. So they're like, Billy, man, what's doing on your only fans, man? What's she doing there? Who'd you bang, man?[0:21:52] Brianne Davis: If people want to join, you can join. We'll link it in the description.[0:21:56] Billy: Yeah, but they all know each other. I mean, one guy came over to play a couple of weeks ago. He left his dice. So after this, I go to Union Square on my way to a comedy show. I got to go drop off a guy's dice.[0:22:09] Brianne Davis: What's going on? You're still doing it?[0:22:12] Billy: I don't pretend to be in recovery at the end of the story. This is not a story where it ends with me doing the work, giving.[0:22:19] Brianne Davis: Inspirational quotes at the end. You're not going to be giving no inspiration.[0:22:23] Billy: No. This is like somewhere in between Rounders and Mississippi grind. You seek Mississippi Grind?[0:22:30] Brianne Davis: Yes, I did.[0:22:31] Billy: Brian Reynolds and Ben Mendelsson. That's a terrible gambling movie. You can't have a gambling movie like that. Spoiler alert, cover your ears. Fast forward 30 seconds. If you're still listening now, it's your fault. That movie ends with him winning and he wins a lot.[0:22:49] Brianne Davis: Yeah, that's not a true scenario.[0:22:53] Billy: Well, here's the thing. It is a possible true scenario. It's not like nobody ever wins like that. It's just like that's not healthy for me to see all the great gambling movies they end either neutral either it was like they were down and they were working away to even, or they lose it all and they like, have a come to Jesus moment. But like, this is the first gambling movie I saw. It's like they're depicting an addiction. Ben Mendelsson's character is terrible. He is off the rocks. He's rock bottom. Even when he hits rock bottom, you didn't think it could go Lord. Then Ryan Reynolds comes into his life. That goddamn beautiful, man. Ruins it even further. But then at the end, he wins.[0:23:30] Brianne Davis: I know, but you have to understand but that's what society does. It glamorizes those scenarios. Just like for me and I talked about it recently, is like, The Notebook is like the worst movie for sex and love addicts because the cheating she's doing, I'll kill myself if you don't go out with me. I'll drop off the spares wheel and it's like it's all a bunch of bullshit. That's not actually how it ends. Like, those relationships end. So I get you where you're like, oh, I want that. I want someone to kill themselves for me.[0:24:00] Billy: Well, when I saw Mississippi Grind, like, I'm very cognizant of my addiction. So I'm watching that, knowing that this is not a good movie. I'm watching it being like, yes, he's losing. This is correct. This is how it should go. If you want a really good depiction of the gambling addiction, there's this movie that does it just I've never seen anything so realistic. It's on Netflix. It's called win. It all starts I think his name is Jake Johnson, that dude from the new guy. He's in Tag. It's really good. And he tapped into a thing where I'm like, I have felt all these emotions that you were feeling in all these moments, and that was really true to form. I'm getting goosebumps now remembering it. I'm scared to watch it again because it just so he nails it. It's weird having a struggle like this where I'm also not trying to fix it because I don't think I can.[0:24:49] Billy: I went eight months one time without gambling in college because I had a really bad night. I had a big loss. I probably lost, like $1,000, which, when you're a college kid, is a lot. Yes, but also I became ugly. I snapped at a lady at the table who was, like, being upsetting. And I was playing with adults. So to them, we were playing low stakes. To them, one hundred dollars to five hundred dollars buy in. To me, that $200 was a fucking lot. And so I probably did five rebuys or something like that. At one point, she was like, how much are you in for? And I fucking snapped. I mean, it's a little rude to ask the question, but I got ugly, and I didn't like what came out of me. And so I was like, pause. Went to a college professor.[0:25:34] Billy: I missed class the next day. I was so down. And then when I went to him after that, I was like, hey, man, this is why I missed class. He's like, Look, I don't want to overstep. I've taken this guy, like, multiple classes, so he knows me. And he gave me the number of a friend of his who's a psychoanalyst, started seeing her. I went eight months without part of that was because I didn't have enough money to gamble the way I enjoyed a gamble. But also, part of it was like, I wasn't buying dollar scratches. I was like, I was really trying to stop. I made it eight months. That was the longest I've ever gone.[0:26:04] Brianne Davis: And so what made you start again after that eight months?[0:26:08] Billy: I got some money. It's easy to not gamble if you don't have money with which to gamble.[0:26:16] Brianne Davis: So you got money, and then all that work that you did or that just being just went out the window again.[0:26:23] Billy: It just will slowly be like, look, you go up, you can go down, but you end down. I also have a hard time leaving. Like, for poker table, it's hard to leave because there's also, like again, it can be social, right? So you can go and you're making friends. You're cracking jokes. I'm getting attention. I grew up with basically no friends. I got bullied real bad. So when I found myself in a space. That was accepting me and enjoying my company and laughing at my jokes. Whether that's in the comedy scene or in this scene or later in the dating scene, it's like, it feels warm, it feels nice. I'm like, oh, these people like me. Even if they don't, I'm thinking they do. There's also a little bit of addiction to the it was more fun to go to a poker club in the city than to a casino and play by myself for 15 hours straight. I think my longest run on casino floor was like 27 hours.[0:27:12] Billy: I went 27 hours straight, no stop. I would stop for food or to take a piss, but I wasn't going to sleep 27 hours straight on the floor. I was doing well. It might have fenced, but I was doing well. I'm like, I can't stop.[0:27:26] Brianne Davis: But see, I'm not a gambler. So when I'm sitting here listening to you saying 27 hours and you're up, I'm like, Walk away. Take the money, walk away.[0:27:37] Billy: I think I did end up for that session, if I recall. I don't think I left being like, what did I just do? But I've also had a lot of times where I spent 7 hours somewhere and then I left down three grand. And I'm like, what did I just do? And it's really tough and it's really dark. And again, because of my work and because of being a comedian, I have a lot of material on gambling. But in the real world, like, right now, what we're doing, even though it's a podcast, podcasting is more real to me. I don't get to talk about it and it's a little tough. It's weird. It's also weird to say, I know this is bad and I'm choosing not to stop.[0:28:13] Brianne Davis: But I just think that's honest. I love even when people are in their place of where they're numbing out or going to define community, that might not be the healthiest or this activity that gets them higher, that excitement that you're willing to say, I know it's bad, but I'm not stopping.[0:28:34] Billy: Yes, I can control it sometimes. But as you know, in any addiction, if you're not supposed to try to control it in a certain way. But I'd always be like, well, okay, I'll be cognizant of like, well, why do I want to gamble? And if it's not a good reason, I won't gamble now. But if it feels like natural, then I'll do it. But no matter what, it will always end up with, even if it's not that session, it will lead to a session that is really bad. Not just for my personal health, not even just for my bank account, but for my life. There's time that I don't get back. Something I'm realizing is like, I'm losing time and I don't get that time back. And that's time that's not going towards my creative pursuits. That's time not going towards friendships. Time not going towards fucking yoga, right?[0:29:16] Brianne Davis: Because you're using 27 hours. Just like the guy I talked to last week that lost 14 hours playing a video game and not participating in life or even what I used to do is being obsessed with this romantic person that was unavailable. I lost time. You are losing time.[0:29:34] Billy: The amount of time you've spent scrolling someone's Instagram feed to be like, okay, but is he back with her?[0:29:41] Brianne Davis: Well, luckily, in my bottoming out days, there was no social media. I can't imagine if I was still an Attic with social media, I would just probably lose my mind and not be on this planet, to be honest. I can't imagine. But you're still in it. So I guess my last question for you is where are you now with it, now that we have this conversation?[0:30:05] Billy: Yeah, I've tried going to gamblers. I've been to Gamblers Anonymous a few times. I think like, three times. I've been the Gamblers Anonymous over the last ten years. I don't really like it because they say to be a member, the first thing you have to do is have a desire to quit gambling. And I don't want to quit gambling. I just want to stop losing. I joke that I think Gamblers Anonymous should be a weekly meeting where we come together and learn how to be better gamblers. This isn't heroin. We can be better. This is like heroin where if we do the math rights, it can work out better. Let's all learn how to count cards. It hasn't been my vibe, partially. I don't know how it differs from AA. The way you can participate is a lot more limited if you're newer.[0:30:57] Billy: Unless you have X amount of months or a year, you're just limited in participation, which I don't like. I like talking. So, like, let me talk, and if I can't talk, then I want to be here.[0:31:11] Brianne Davis: You just can't talk more than three minutes.[0:31:13] Billy: You can share, but you can't do cross talk.[0:31:15] Brianne Davis: Whatever the cruise talk, you can't talk about other people when you're in those meetings, especially with money, sex, and food, you can't cross talk.[0:31:25] Billy: Yeah, I've been to other types of meetings, like for a friend where I went to an Allen On thing once and was like, okay, you could participate a little more. And so I just didn't like the vibe. Where am I at with it now? I'm just like, you know what? When I do have the extra cash, I'm not first thinking about how I can gamble it. I'm in a more adult mode, so there's a little bit of help where there's limited resource. And the resources I do have, I have things I do want to do with them. So it's helpful to go into a casino. I won't go to a casino with less than $1,000. Frankly, if I'm going to do Gamble Casino the way I like to do it, I prefer to have at least two grand. It's almost like it feels like not worth it. Because if I got to drive 3 hours and 3 hours back, I want to spend X amount of time and I'd like to at least make X amount of money if I win. If I win and I'm able to leave. So really the most gambling I end up doing is the back gaming. And the winter is helpful because it's fucking cold.[0:32:26] Billy: So I can't go to Union Square and play there for hours. It's gotten better where I'm not going to freeze while I lose. If I'm going to lose, I'll be a little comfortable.[0:32:35] Brianne Davis: I want to get a suntan. If you're going to lose, I want a suntan while I do it.[0:32:39] Billy: Yeah. I am in maintenance and like a low volume mode and just doing my best to get out of routine. So sometimes gambling can be part of a routine. If I can create other routines or different subway routes to the same place that bypasses Union Square, that's helpful. If I have other joys in my life, whether that's a partner or practices or I'm like doing a lot of creatively. I've been freelance writing more, so that's helpful. Not only am I being creatively generative, but I'm also making money from that. I've been writing for Mashable recently, so stuff like that. Just being generative at least helps with the maintenance where I don't have enough time and I may have some money and even when I gamble, it's some money. But usually I'm winning $50. I'm losing $50. Okay, sometimes I win $200, but sometimes I lose $500. But I'm able to manage it a little easier. But the best thing so far has been just filling my schedule with generative stuff and that's the best I can do for now.[0:33:48] Brianne Davis: That makes you feel good and productive?[0:33:50] Billy: Yeah. And the more the better I feel, the more productive I am, the less desire I have to go spend 8 hours in a park with some potentially homeless people playing back. If I can just folks check me on socials. You search Billy proscida. I pop right up PR o CIDA. And I host a great show called the Man Whore Podcast. Wherever you're listening to Secret Life, you can find me there.[0:34:17] Brianne Davis: Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your secret. I'm so grateful to know you. This has been such a great episode.[0:34:24] Billy: Yes, thank you. Thank you. I was happy to be here and.[0:34:27] Brianne Davis: If you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.[0:34:34] Billy: Bye.[0:34:39] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Genie shares her unique story of falling in love with a level one sex offender.TRIGGER WARNING - This episode contains topics that may be triggering. Listener discretion is advised.In an inspiring and heart-felt discussion, she dives into the complexities of such a relationship, focusing on themes of communication, cycles of abuse, mental health, and remaining hopeful. Genie's story is a powerful reminder to keep an open mind and to be understanding of the struggles faced by those who have made mistakes and are on a journey of redemption. With the help of Brianne Davis, author of a book about her experiences, Genie encourages all listeners to look beyond the label of 'sex offender' and to find empathy for those in her situation. Tune in to gain insight into the struggles of remaining in a love relationship with a sex offender and the importance of paying attention to online dangers._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Genie: My fiance was set up in a sting and did not know it, but he was communicating with a said minor, but wasn't a minor.[0:00:15] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funny secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really?[0:01:13] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, where, and live at all. Today. My guest is Genie. Now, Genie, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?[0:01:23] Genie: My secret is I am engaged to a level one sex offender.[0:01:27] Brianne Davis: Oh, okay. What is a level one sex offender?[0:01:31] Genie: Level one is usually not one that you would be able to look up on any regular data site, only because their offenses are so minimal. It could be, you know, public urination, it could be light and decent indecent exposure. And in my case, my fiance was set up in a sting and did not know it, but he was communicating with a said minor, but wasn't a minor.[0:01:57] Brianne Davis: Okay, take us back. First of all, how long have you been with him?[0:02:01] Genie: Well, we started dating in early 2021. That's when we met.[0:02:06] Brianne Davis: And how did you meet?[0:02:08] Genie: We met on an online dating site. The most popular one that's out there, tinder. But he had already been. And prior to that and what had got him to that point of communicating with that said person? He was already down a rabbit hole of addiction and being meeting people for just sex. And he was on Adult Friend finder a couple of other I call him sleazy dating sites. And he was down a dark path.[0:02:34] Brianne Davis: So he was addicted to the fantasy of the other person online?[0:02:41] Genie: Well, I think when the person is not naturally attracted to younger people, he was just the act of being sexually engaged with anyone who was easy and readily available. That was his target. If you were ready to go, do.[0:02:57] Brianne Davis: You think if it's even that, is it? What did he ever say to you? And I know we're jumping already into it, and I want to backtrack a little, but did he ever say to you because it was, like, a little wrong, he was communicating with her? Because as we get more in our addiction, it gets darker. And cedar and the things you thought you wouldn't do, you find yourself doing self doing. Yes.[0:03:23] Genie: I don't think he ever entertained that thought enough to think that he would go that direction. It was just all about real meet, have sex, be done, never talk to that person again, or if they called him back, maybe. And when I met him, his intent for me was to be a friends with Benefit. And I was like, well, okay, I see that's the route you want to go. I had been in the dating scene, too, and I didn't quite understand what the friends with benefit was completely defined as. I knew it, but I didn't know it. And when I asked him, so what is your definition of friends with Benefit? He goes, oh, two or three people. I go, don't you think that's a little unhealthy? It gets sloppy. It gets kind of you don't know. Communication can get lost, and you risk the chance of STDs and STIs. And I didn't know about this secret until three months after we started seeing each other and hanging out a lot. And because of my job, too, I worked then with the state, and he knew I was a mandated reporter.[0:04:26] Brianne Davis: Really? Wait, so he picked a mandated reporter and didn't tell you for three months?[0:04:32] Genie: Right. But after this, he had already been in the trial part of his case.[0:04:36] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:04:37] Genie: His incident happened three months prior to me.[0:04:40] Brianne Davis: Can you take us through what actually happened with him so people listening. I want them to hear what actually happened. So he was talking to some multiple.[0:04:49] Genie: People he was talking to, and one of them, somebody would grab on and kind of communicate a little bit more, and they started talking about meeting up, and she mentioned something. I've read the reports. I've read the psychosexual evaluation. I've read the police reports. I've even seen a cell phone while other details on it. The said young lady said that she was scared to do it at first because she hadn't actually had sex with somebody of his stature statue and was hesitant about it. And he goes, oh, well, we can take it slow, and we can do it oral. And I said, So you did want to do this? He goes, yeah, but I kind of entertained it to the fact that I knew it was going and meeting her in a public place and meeting her to say, are you sure you really want everyone your life like this? That's what he discussed with me afterwards. And I said, So you wouldn't have met her in a private place knowing that how old she said was? And he goes, no, I don't think I could have actually went through with the act.[0:05:39] Brianne Davis: And how old did she say she was?[0:05:41] Genie: 1515.[0:05:43] Brianne Davis: And how old is he?[0:05:44] Genie: He was in his early 40s.[0:05:47] Brianne Davis: Okay, so did he end up meeting her, or he went to the place.[0:05:52] Genie: And then went to the public place. And as soon as he pulled up, they knew exactly what car he was, who would he look like. They immediately arrested him, didn't tell him what it was about. They took him from one place, and they grilled him, saying, how would you like this if this was your daughter? Blah, blah, blah. And he knew what was up. He knew what had happened. At that point, he did spend two nights in jail, and when he went, yes, he does. He has two, and they're adults.[0:06:19] Brianne Davis: Boys or girls?[0:06:20] Genie: One boy, one girl.[0:06:21] Brianne Davis: I got you.[0:06:22] Genie: Okay. And I have three myself, so I have two girls and a boy.[0:06:26] Brianne Davis: Okay. How old are your kids?[0:06:28] Genie: Well, one's 24, 21, and 19.[0:06:32] Brianne Davis: Got it.[0:06:33] Genie: Well, one was not an adult when I had met him, but after he had told me, I was very careful of watching him and seeing how his responses were and how he was with my kids. Because if I would have gotten any kind of feeling that there was something off, I would have immediately said, yeah, we can't do this. He disclosed it to a couple of people. After he was done, he went through treatment and did the legal treatment that was required. In addition to helping himself, he also had the opportunity of having a counselor free of charge to him. This isn't for everybody. It's only because of his service background. He has access to having extra counseling. So that benefited him, I think, in the most in his healing process and understanding and getting through those ropes of learning. What he did was wrong with the communication of an inappropriate context with a minor. It was a heavy load. When he hit me with this.[0:07:25] Brianne Davis: I want to talk about that, actually. And then I have more questions about his healing, because I actually want to hear a little more about it. But how was that let's call it D Day when he told you, how did that go? Where were you? How did you feel?[0:07:37] Genie: We went on a day trip that day. We were doing some cool photography of some vintage cars, and then we stopped at a restaurant, play pool, came back, and then I always drove. It just was a thing I did. And he said, I have something I really need to tell you. It's kind of my own secret. And I was like, okay. And he told me. He disclosed me because I got in trouble with the sting, and this is what happened. And I said, wow, that's a big thing that happened, and I'm really glad you told me. And I handled it very calmly. I didn't freak out on him. And of course, it took me probably about I still communicated with him, and I asked him what his intent was. As we got farther, he opened up more and more and more with me. I did go to counseling myself at that time, and I wanted to understand to me, I think I wanted to know, how can I help this person, even if it's not for me. Maybe it's the next woman that he ends up dating, that he gets the treatment, he gets he gets all the things.[0:08:36] Genie: His kids appreciate the fact that Dad's done the things for himself, because I think that's the meaningful part. And I told him, I said, don't make this about me ever. I want this to be about what you want to do. I want it to be for your family, for your job, so you don't ever lose it, for your community involvement. Me last, and it took a while. I mean, I had a long discussion, a lot of journaling. I wrote down a lot of stuff. Oh, man, I burned that book. Actually, I called it the Burn Book. Afterwards, I wrote down all the stuff, and then I burned it. But, yes, it was it was pretty impactful, and I did end up disclosing it to my supervisor at work because I knew that I was in that position where if it were ever to be brought up legally and if it were found, I didn't want it to be contingent on me or my job.[0:09:22] Brianne Davis: And what did they say?[0:09:24] Genie: She understood it, and because my job the way it was at that point, she was very understanding and keeping it as confidential as possible. And I told her, I promise that he's not going to be in any settings around here, no family events until we know when the legal trial is done. And that's when he was when the legal trial was done. That's when he was labeled as one, and he was on restriction. He had to get travel things to go see me because we were in different counties.[0:09:53] Brianne Davis: Okay?[0:09:53] Genie: So he had to get a travel voucher from his probation officer, and he would come down once a week, and I would come up to his place every other week or so like that, and that's how we would see each other. We would go back and forth. Also, when he went to this legal thing, he had asked the judge, asked his attorney that he had hired to say, well, my girlfriend that I'm seeing does have one son that's 17 and a half. Can I put his name on the, you know, being supervised by her? And he they asked the judge that, and he granted it. Okay, so but ever since then, we I after 2021, and then we we dated for probably about a good six or seven months, and then I ended up moving into his place with his kids because then my kids all got their own places and my youngest went to their dads. And none of this was to my understanding in relation to my relationship, except for the fact that Mom's moving on.[0:10:43] Brianne Davis: Does any of your kids know about it or is this, like, a secret a lot of people don't know?[0:10:48] Genie: No. I had actually to talk to them a little bit about it. And then I talked to my fiance about it, and I said, this is mostly your story to tell, so if you ever want to sit down and openly talk to them about it and I asked them, I go, do you guys ever want to hear it? And they're like, no, we know what we know, and that's all we need to know. And you know what? They all have a wonder, since it's been about two and a half, almost two years, that we all have a great relationship, and it's worked out. They see him for who he is genuinely as a person now because he's overcome a lot of hurdles. And the reason why he went down that dark path and and became an addicted person because at a young age, he was pushed into being an instant father and married very quickly to a very older woman who already had kids.[0:11:31] Brianne Davis: So he was he was sexualized very young then.[0:11:35] Genie: Yes.[0:11:36] Brianne Davis: If he was with an older woman, whether he was of age or not, that can be a permanent damage to you.[0:11:42] Genie: Right. And then, of course, that marriage being as long as it was, there was a lot of online 18 years.[0:11:49] Brianne Davis: Wow.[0:11:49] Genie: Yeah, there was a lot of what he told me he felt like a doormat in a paycheck, probably about the same time he told me about this legal problem. He felt like a doormat and a paycheck and his wife and his wife's life.[0:12:00] Brianne Davis: Do you think then he started acting out online to escape that relationship?[0:12:05] Genie: Oh, he had numerous affairs while he was married.[0:12:08] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:12:08] Genie: He was trying to get away from that whole he wanted that connection with somebody who saw something in him, and the only thing he saw that he was useful for was for sex.[0:12:16] Brianne Davis: Right. Yeah. I mean, listen, I am a sex addict. I'm a sex and love addict, and I totally get when we use our sexuality or try to connect with other people through that, but it's like he went to the extreme because he was so disconnected from himself and his sexuality was taken away.[0:12:34] Genie: Exactly. Yeah.[0:12:37] Brianne Davis: So how far did it go down? Did he ever meet any minors or was that the first and only one, or have you asked him?[0:12:44] Genie: That was the first and only one, and I did ask him that. I asked him if he was ever attracted to him. I even went back and reading your book, too, and I asked him I go, did you ever have any incidences in your younger life where you may have been exposed to these kind of things? Because that's what I've seen a lot when I work with my former job, is seeing a pattern of exposure, and it just kind of continues. And it's one of those things that either people either can identify it, learn to get the treatment and stop it, or they can continue to choose doing that same thing over and over again until they don't see a problem with it.[0:13:15] Brianne Davis: And what did he say when you asked him that?[0:13:17] Genie: He never had that kind of exposure. He lost his virginity at an older age.[0:13:22] Brianne Davis: I know, but even with porn and stuff, did he look at porn at a young age? Because that's a big factor.[0:13:29] Genie: He may have had touch and go with that, but he never told me that he was ever addicted to the porn or anything. To me from what my background of going through the schooling that I went through and also understanding background for casework. There's nothing that significance a red flag to me that says, oh, he had this kind of exposure as a youngster, and this is why. It's just a lot of I think a lot of it mostly had to do with his parents being divorced, his dad not coming around, not having that love and connection attention, and being married to an older woman and still then falling in that whole trap of not feeling the love and connection. And it just seems like it's playing.[0:14:07] Brianne Davis: Online and those connections that feel real but they're actually false connections and then the stakes keep getting higher to get the hit and high you want.[0:14:16] Genie: Absolutely.[0:14:20] Brianne Davis: Does he get online anymore now or is that a no go?[0:14:24] Genie: Very little no. He's only on a couple of very social medias and he allows me to look at what he has.[0:14:30] Brianne Davis: Good.[0:14:30] Genie: He has no problem with me looking at what he has. There used to be a time in the beginning of our relationship his phone was always faced down, he'd always have notifications off. And I knew for the probably about the first six months he was still coming off of that high of being connected to those people.[0:14:45] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it takes a while. It's very hard to go cold turkey off of online anything, even online gaming, it's hard to go cold turkey. It's very difficult.[0:14:58] Genie: Even in the beginning of our relationship, I had caught him. He was going to hook up with some gal after we had had a huge weekend, a holiday weekend together. And then he was trying to persuade the neighbor that lived over at another place that we lived at together and I caught it and he tried to lie about it at first, but then he felt really bad and he backed down and it was just like it was wrong. I should have never flirted with her, I should have never kissed her on even though we were seeing each other, I was just thinking, I can get away with it.[0:15:30] Brianne Davis: And that was do you know why he did that? Why you guys were getting closer, why he did that?[0:15:36] Genie: I do, but I don't. It's like I can't go in his brain and actually pinpoint what it is, but he can only go by what he tells me.[0:15:43] Brianne Davis: Well, it's a definite fear of intimacy. So if you're getting closer to him in real life, he does anything he can to make that disconnection and go somewhere else. It's him chasing still that fantasy at that time because it was getting too real, probably, for you guys.[0:16:01] Genie: That is probably exactly it, because it was right before I had moved in with him.[0:16:05] Brianne Davis: That's what always happens. I was talking with somebody and they were like, every time we go, my boyfriend and I go on a family vacation, he picks a fight with me afterwards. And I'm like, yeah, because he's terrified of real intimacy. So he picks a fight with you because it was too real, and he didn't come from that background, so he doesn't know how to process it.[0:16:27] Genie: That's right. That's a very good analogy. One of the books that I did read with him, and I'm probably sure you're familiar with it, it's called out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes.[0:16:36] Brianne Davis: Yes, I love that book.[0:16:38] Genie: Oh, my gosh. If anybody's ever going through this kind of process. And one thing I do want to disclose about him being a sex offender and I don't want people to turn away from these people. Yes, there's people that have got extreme patterns of child molestation, rape and things like that, but with his being a level one, the way it was and going through the treatment is not an easy process because these people have to pay for this. It's no different from drug rehab. You have to pay for it. And if you can't get a job anywhere because of those legal things that you have pressed against you, then how are you able to afford the treatment to go forward?[0:17:14] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's a lot of money. People with this addiction, this tendency, it's really hard to get recovery.[0:17:21] Genie: Yeah, I think it was about $400 every month for him. And he would have meetings once a week, and he would tell me all about the meetings. I've never told him to tell me anything. I let him do I said, if you want to share, that's great. I'm here to be here to listen to you and help you through anything. And that's why when I read that book, I literally went through and I understood every piece of it, so I knew how to support him, and that was a big thing. And then I read well, I listened to yours on audiobook, but all those resources I got all my resources together. It's like, if I'm going to be anything, this man, I'm going to be a resource and help for him and get him through this. Like I said, I didn't want him to make it about me. I wanted it to be for himself and his family first. Yeah.[0:18:03] Brianne Davis: And I think it's really beautiful as a partner, the non judgmental and not taking it on. It's about you. I even work with a lot of partners and help them see like, this addiction has nothing to do with you. If he's going to go do that, it has no reflection of you. It's his own. But then I always have what in you, though, are not showing up. What in you depicts somebody unavailable, but it seems like he's doing the work. So you're showing up completely available and saying, here, you have to do your work and it's all on you. But I will show up for you to see how it's different, how you're handling it. And majority of the people, because they make it about them and it's not about them. He has a disease. He has a sickness. He's trying to escape himself in some way.[0:18:46] Genie: Exactly. Yeah. And I really dug deep into that because I wanted him to know that I want to understand every element of this. So I know everything that even when you talk about the whacka Mole addiction, like, he used to also be a smoker, and he just recently quit smoking. And so I said, so have you found yourself finding addiction to anything else? And then lately it's been I call it the TikTok rabbit hole.[0:19:12] Brianne Davis: TikTok is a huge one. That is a huge addiction, actually. It's bad. So what is he doing now? So he's going down that rabbit hole of watching videos.[0:19:23] Genie: Yeah, and I want to back it up just a little bit. But before then, when he was going to counseling and I was going to counseling and because we had had those hurdles of him still trying to interact with people and trying to get better and then going into counseling, I actually sat down and said, let's come up with healthy things that we can do. So we started doing more stuff in the kitchen. We started making cakes together, we started making other recipes together. We've gone camping. Another thing we did is, I don't know if you've seen those glass cubes that people put like fairy lights in, but instead of putting fairy lights in every time we went out somewhere, like even a coaster or a menu or something small that we could put in their little shrinkage, and we started collecting memory jars. We're on our fifth one right now. And they're positive things. I always told him, let's think of positive things that we can change, those negative things that you are so easily fallen into. And I think that was the biggest thing, is another part of me working with him to better himself.[0:20:18] Brianne Davis: But I also love that, yes, I'm all about positivity, but there's a time and a place for it. So he still had to go through the negative stuff with his therapy, his groups, whatever he's doing, and then you be there next to him and then trying to expand his life instead of making it smaller.[0:20:38] Genie: Right.[0:20:38] Brianne Davis: I don't look at it as positivity. I just look at it as you expanding you guys'life together.[0:20:44] Genie: That's a good way to put it. Definitely. It's like I try not to monitor him, but I do monitor him. I think that's just my fear of him going down that addiction hole. But I think we're kind of far enough away from it now. But I always do check in.[0:20:59] Brianne Davis: I think it's important. The first five to ten years, you kind of have to do check ins. I don't ever suggest to make sure you're checking it 24/7. But when you're getting out of this specific addiction, it is the hardest one to get out of it, and you have to be diligent and little things can trigger you just even seeing something on a website. So it is always important for them to have accountability. Like for me, I had accountability with my partner. It just is it's? You showing up authentically, but there has to be no judgment on the other side. And I think that's where you have a good balance with it.[0:21:39] Genie: Yes. And that is one of our strong suits from coming from both of our rocky marriages that we've had. And the lack of communication was the hardest part that we didn't understand a lot from our marriage. It just wasn't there. And I think that's what has helped us in our relationships, like communication, communication, communication. We have to talk about it. Even if it's the nitty gritty and it hurts and it feels like it's just ugly, we have to talk about it.[0:22:08] Brianne Davis: You do. Communication is the most important. But I am going to ask you a question, and it's going to be might be difficult to answer, because if someone has a young child that this has happened to them, what would you say to them? How would you explain his side to them to make them feel understanding? Or maybe there's nothing you can say, so I don't know. So I was wondering if you've ever thought about that.[0:22:36] Genie: I have thought about that. I was with him when he was really restricted as far as the restriction goes, too. They even monitor his phone. Yeah, he monitors electronic devices on any communication. Anything he searched. If you searched anything about anatomy, they would have dinged him and he would have been in trouble by his PO and heartbeat. I think when I was out in public with him, there was a lot of questions asked, even from his treatment counselor, saying, did you have a kid come up and touch you or bump into you? If something like that happens, you need to say something and express it and tell people and people in your group how you feel. I think if there was anything that I could tell that there was something discomforting, like if a kid was being too close to him and he was just like, I need to get this makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to get in trouble again. I don't want to feel like I'm going to get prosecuted for this kid coming at me. So I think it's just about us learning boundaries, and because we're much older and our kids are much older, and of course there's going to be kids coming into our life that are younger from them having their children. It's his story to tell. Again, I've always said it's his story to tell. And if he feels that it's something that's going to make him uncomfortable in a setting, in a place with lots of children around, then I've always told him, we can go.[0:23:54] Genie: We can leave. We don't have to stay here.[0:23:56] Brianne Davis: Okay. And if any parents that have dealt with that they're younger kids talking to older people online, what would be your advice for them just because you've dealt with it on the other side?[0:24:09] Genie: As a parent myself, I monitored my kids devices. I paid for it, I monitor it, amen. And I hate it when people sit there. Well, my kid won't take their device away. They don't need it. You tell them you'll pick them up and drop them off, you'll be there. Do it like you did in the 80s.[0:24:27] Brianne Davis: You didn't even have a cell phone or a phone.[0:24:31] Genie: I'm picking you up at so and so's house, and if you're not there, I know you were lying. But also working part of my line of work that I worked with, reading cases, there were young girls who had been sexualized younger.[0:24:44] Brianne Davis: Well, then, mostly likely, there's a brokenness about them. I work with a lot of young girls, especially 15 and 16 year olds. And anybody that's online looking for that connection is lacking a connection in their real life that's just exactly some damage was done, some abandonment, some low self esteem, fear of intimacy, fear of being loved. But I believe that this social media world we live in is making it a thousand times worse.[0:25:15] Genie: Definitely. And it's tough. And even in the field where I'm at now, I won't disclose because I don't want too much to get out there, but I see people, even the kids that are on these cases, on Zoom, and I see their Zoom profile picture, and then they come on, and I'm like, Whoa. I would have instantly thought that person that was in that picture was over 20 years old. And I thought, how dangerous? When I know that that person that's really on that Zoom is under 18.[0:25:42] Brianne Davis: Yeah. So scary. And wanting to grow up so quickly as well. There's always that need. As a young child, I mean, I even wanted to grow up quickly. We all do. But we have to protect the innocent, even from themselves, right? I do have one more question I'm dying to ask. I do have a son. We were just talking about the same thing. But how do I protect my son? He's four and. A half. But how do I protect him from online creditors, however they are, innocent or not, how do I protect him?[0:26:17] Genie: Again, monitoring him? What is he going on and educating him? That's not a safe place. There's probably people in there that are not okay to talk to you. And if somebody asks you questions that you don't feel comfortable, you tell me right away. Even some of the stuff that my kids used to play, like called penguin back in the day, there was always somebody on there, and they would start cursing them. Oh, my God, mom, this person's cursing at me. And I might report them, report them right away because I don't know who they are. I don't know. There could be some 30 something year old playing around on the kids game and trying to get kids. And like I said, I monitored a lot of stuff. I monitor even snapchat. I monitored my kids on that. They told me some kid was getting ready to want to fight another kid. I said shut it down.[0:27:04] Genie: Don't get in the middle of it, and we're going to take it to school.[0:27:07] Brianne Davis: Yes, I love that. That's great too. I love having you on. Is there anything else you want to share that you feel like you need to come on and talk about so people understand the other side of this behavior?[0:27:20] Genie: I don't like it when people sit there and generalize that all sex offenders are bad. They should be shot or killed or hurt or something in that way. I think as a society that's already lacking a lot of strength in the mental health field, that we really need to take a step back and saying, you know what? They're still in our community. They're still around. We don't know what it is.[0:27:39] Brianne Davis: They're still human. They're still breathing.[0:27:40] Genie: They're still human. And it's easy for a sex and love addict to fall in that trap because it's that fine line, and all of a sudden you could just go right over there and be like, oh, I really didn't want to go that far. And I just really wish the world or the United States in general would really focus on mental health a lot more. And I wish it wasn't so expensive so these people can get the treatment they need, so they can stop the cycle. Because when they don't get the treatment they need, they're right back on the street doing what they've been normally doing to survive.[0:28:15] Brianne Davis: It's a survival tactic to numb out and not be in reality. That's all it is. It really is. It's living in fantasy so you don't have to live in reality with how you're feeling.[0:28:25] Genie: Right? And there are some that are against the grain with the whole thing. Like I said, I've read cases where people are non registered sex offenders target younger young women or women in general with young kids, and they just perpetrate on them and drug habits. And it's just like, again, if we had the money going the right direction for those things, we would have a lot of healthier people.[0:28:48] Brianne Davis: I did the extreme cases, for sure. The ones that have raped or hurt children in that way, there is a perversion that they want to take the innocence because they never had that innocence. So I was talking one time to a professional about it. She specializes in it. That is a mental health issue that you actually have to go and work on because they're stuck in this adolescent style of sexuality and wanting to connect to when they were that young.[0:29:23] Genie: Right.[0:29:23] Brianne Davis: She had a whole different idea around it, which I found fascinating because, you know, a lot of sexual predators are in essay and slaa and I see them all the time and I'm friends with them that have had issues in the past and they're good people. They were just struggling themselves with mental health, addiction and all of that.[0:29:46] Genie: Yeah. One thing I explained when my fiance first got into his group setting, I said, I just want you to keep in mind, and this is something that I had to keep in mind when I've read cases a lot was these people didn't just wake up one day and decide, I'm just going to go molest people. No, it was something that the pattern behavior that had happened, something had happened to them. And I could read every psychological background that I've ever read and be like, boom, there it is.[0:30:11] Brianne Davis: It's generational. Usually it's passed down if it happened in the family, it's usually passed down in generations. If people don't actually do the work, they need to see why that happened to them or heal from.[0:30:24] Genie: Exactly.[0:30:25] Brianne Davis: Just like rage, just like violence that happens. It's passed down everything. Yeah.[0:30:30] Genie: And like I said, it's stopping it with the mental health and wanting it to stop.[0:30:35] Brianne Davis: Well, I'm so grateful to have you on. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm honored and I really appreciate it.[0:30:45] Genie: I appreciate you too. I appreciate your book and everything about it. You helped me a great deal. I had him listen to it. He loved it too. I would have really loved for him to be here, but I thought, I'm going to tell it from my story this time. I'm going to tell it from my point of view.[0:30:59] Brianne Davis: No, I love it. Thank you. Thank you for doing that.[0:31:02] Genie: All right, thank you.[0:31:04] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.[0:31:14] Genie: Bye.[0:31:16] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ruby shares her story of struggle and hope as she overcomes anorexia, sex and love addiction, and fear of intimacy. Listen as she shares her journey through twelve step programs, therapy and support from family and friends. Gain insight into her challenges and victories as she opens up to discuss her experiences and share her wisdom. Ruby's story will inspire you to face your own challenges and find the courage to heal._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Ruby: The part of me that will keep saying no because I'm so afraid of letting someone in. And the big umbrella of the whole thing is I'm so terrified to let anyone know me.[0:00:17] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis. Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves and others. You know, those deep, dark secrets we probably want to go to our grave with, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain and embarrassing.[0:01:18] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. My guest today is Ruby. Ruby, my question for you is "what is your secret?"[0:01:30] Ruby: All right, so my secret is that I am a sex and love addict. And there are other components to that as well, which is like, there's the anorexia of sex and love addiction.[0:01:42] Brianne Davis: Well, let's talk about that. Everybody knows I'm in the program. How long have you been around?[0:01:50] Ruby: I think my whole life. I've been around in other twelve step programs for my whole life. The People Pleasing program. The Allen on program. I've been in that one. But what I realized was that I had a lot of my own little things that I kept hidden by all the ways that I tried to manage and control everybody outside of myself. I would say that I started in the Alanon program, which is really trying to manage and control. And then I started to recognize that I never wanted anybody to see my flaws. That was part of my thing. So a lot of my stuff was just this strange behavior that manifested like sex and love addiction. It sort of came out in a way that to get things as a way to avoid things as a way to avoid intimacy, because we all know the definition of intimacy is intimately, you see, but I love that term, but I used it. I just always had an ulterior motive with sex and love addiction until I learned that love and sex is supposed to be a byproduct of commitment and sharing and connection and cooperation and all these beautiful things. They talk about it. I never had any experience with it in that realm. I always just thought it was to be used as a tool and never as something that actually was something that was beautiful for engaging in a partnership with someone.[0:03:08] Ruby: My whole life on that.[0:03:10] Brianne Davis: Yeah, as we've discussed it before. I know for me, I would put on these masks to become someone else. I never wanted to show the real me.[0:03:22] Ruby: Yeah. Which is really exhausting and very painful. And then I think as you get older, we get tired of wearing a mask all the time. You need to breathe, whereas when you're not being who you are, you are imploding on yourself. You're keeping everything kept inside. So I think recognizing that I had that thing, which was like why I always felt so weird about intimacy and relationships kept me so disconnected from my partners. So I was able to have a partnership with friends, like girlfriends. I could have great relationships with girlfriends. I felt super connected. I was able to be super intimate with my girlfriends in the way that we communicated and whatnot. But when it came to a partner where there was actual physical intimacy and the friendship, I didn't know how to combine the two. I could have intimacy, but I didn't know how to be friends with those people. I just knew that I had to put on my little sex kitten characteristic and be this little thing to make them think about me the way I wanted myself to be looked at as, which kept me far away from being able to be who I was and also from being able to speak out for what I needed. So it was a long, long lot of years worth of not being who I was in my intimacy life and it was very painful looking back at it.[0:04:38] Brianne Davis: So let's say you've been around and you've looked at it and you've done the work. But now I really want to discuss the anorexia side of it because I haven't actually discussed that yet. So I'm interested if you want to explain that to the listeners.[0:04:54] Ruby: Yeah. So anorexia in the realm of sex and love addiction is the same as like food addiction where eating disorders in the realm. Plus I have that too. When I was younger, I did a lot of messing around with anorexia as far as in the food realm, what it is, it's a fear of overeating. So you tend to undereat and the smaller you can become, the safer you feel. So it's kind of like that. With sexuality, the way that it manifested was I would go really quickly into a relationship with someone. Like, I would meet someone and I would probably be sleeping with them that.[0:05:29] Brianne Davis: Day and then moving in and then like, no, I didn't really do that.[0:05:34] Ruby: A lot of my time I didn't.[0:05:35] Brianne Davis: Either, but I know a lot of people.[0:05:37] Ruby: I know a lot of people that do that. I was too smart for that because I knew that just down the line. Also, that was too scary because the anorexic part of me would be like, that would make me crazy if I had to be around that person for too long because I feel like I need to get away. I couldn't tolerate that kind of intimacy. So anorexia in the realm of sex and love addiction is sort of getting like I would just have a casual sex encounter with someone because it was a lot safer than letting somebody see me or letting myself see someone else. And it had only to do with the body and the physical sensation, but nothing to do with connection. Right? Yeah. And then all of a sudden, I didn't have to get turned off by that person, by what thing they might do or say that would turn me off. So it was a way to stay very disconnected, very unintimate. But you're having intimacy, which is such a really strange dual thing. You're being intimate, but you don't know the person at all, and you're allowing yourself to be physically intimate. But getting to know someone was far too scary, so quick. Intimacies with strangers was a lot more comfortable for me. And anorexia kicks in in that I would go long periods of time without being with someone, so terrified to actually allow myself to be intimate with someone.[0:06:53] Ruby: And then I would get to where having a quick intimacy to someone was starting to hurt me too much. It started to feel too painful. So I would then just be like, I'm not going to be with anyone until I feel really comfortable with someone. But the anorexia part of me would not let myself get to know someone well enough to feel comfortable. So then I would go through these periods of time where I was feeling very anorexic.[0:07:15] Brianne Davis: So it's withholding it's withholding yourself and your sexuality. It's withholding I definitely know what that feels like for me. It's easier too, to be intimate with someone I don't know than intimate with someone I love. The two didn't go together. So how long were the periods of you being anorexic sexually?[0:07:38] Ruby: I mean, there were some times where I would go two years without having being sexual with someone. Maybe I'd have a make out session here or there, but there would be sometimes two years. I think the longest is maybe. I think three years is complete, no abstinence from sex, but like I said, a few little makeups and those few little make outs, or there would be like three years of complete and total abstinence from sex, thinking that I was doing something really good for myself. Yeah, myself for the right thing. And then I'd meet someone, and then that night I'd sleep with them. I'd be like, what just happened? How did I go from not being with anyone for three years thinking that I was going to do the right thing for myself and save myself until I felt connected to someone? And then I meet someone and my brain goes into just like an alcoholic who's been sober, thinking like, I'm not going to drink that drink. I don't need to drink that first thing. Then you're like, I could just have a sip. It'll be okay. Yeah. And I'm not an alcoholic, but that's from what I've read. That's so funny to me, but that's how it works in the realm of sexual addiction and sexual anorexia is I can go being very strong about it, and I'm not going to have an encounter with someone that's not connected.[0:08:52] Ruby: And then I just meet someone and then they look at me a certain way, and then I think, just hang out with that person. I haven't been with anybody in a while. And then all of a sudden, they'll be trying to be sexual with me. And I'll be like, no, I'm not going to go there. And then they get aggressive enough. And to me, that's like a go. Like, if somebody's going to be aggressive enough and that's the part of me that I really check into, was the part of me that needed that person to be that aggressive to where then I would just roll over and be like, okay. And that scared me that once somebody got aggressive and over me, then I would just be like, okay.[0:09:27] Brianne Davis: Do you know what that ties from? Did you tie it back to anything?[0:09:31] Ruby: I mean, I've done so much writing on it. I think ever since the beginning of my intimacy life, I always heard in my voice the voice in my head was my mother being like, don't let men touch you. They'll hurt you. They'll try to take advantage of you. They'll hurt you. All this negative, negative, negative, negative. So I have this total like, no. And then what happens? I say no, but then if somebody come along and be that aggressive, I would think, wow, they really must like me. They really want to be with me.[0:10:04] Brianne Davis: That makes sense.[0:10:05] Ruby: Yeah. So then my head will think, well, I guess maybe this is meant to be since they really want to be with me, but not like, thinking in terms of like they just want to get laid. They're going to be a little bit some people are a little shy and.[0:10:16] Brianne Davis: They are like, they need me. I need to give them this because they need it so bad. They want me so much.[0:10:24] Ruby: Yeah. And that makes me feel important. Like, they must really want me. I must be really valuable that they're really going to try to push me. Not thinking like, my no should be my no is enough, but also the anorexic part of the no part of my voice will keep going for three years because I keep saying, no, no, no, the anorexic part of me until someone is aggressive enough. And then I'm like, okay, well, they really want me, so I should say yeah, because maybe I haven't been with anybody a long time. Maybe I just need to let go and just relax about this. This is quick switches of my brain out.[0:11:03] Brianne Davis: Here's my question for you and for other people that don't understand this. Do you find that the anorexia side of this disease very hard? I almost find it more difficult to overcome than the acting out part.[0:11:18] Ruby: Do you agree? Yes. Because you can get caught in that cycle of I'm not going to let the part of me that will keep saying no because I'm so afraid of letting someone in. And the big umbrella of the whole thing is I'm so terrified to let anyone know me and really see me. So that part of me is stronger, is really strong, so I can go long periods of time. And like I said, there are these moments of, like, amnesia where I forget and I'll just sleep with somebody after two years of no one. Right? At that one moment, I'll just be like, he's really cute. He's really sweet. I'll just whatever, let's just have fun. Because there's that part of me that just thinks, let's just live a little. Let it go. But that's the extreme other side. There has to be like a middle ground is what I'm finding is like, that's not okay and not and not they say the anorexia of Sly is not doing something and not doing something and not doing something just like you can. Like I'm noticing in my writing and all my growing right now, my issues have been coming up for me is like change.[0:12:25] Ruby: Change is really hard for me.[0:12:27] Brianne Davis: It's hard for a lot of people. Just so you know, change is very difficult for people.[0:12:32] Ruby: It's really hard. But I find it easier when I have people around me that support me. But I've kind of been solo for a little while, and so I really find that change thing has really been triggering for me of, like, I'm trying to make some decisions about to move or to not move or to rent my house or not rent a house or to stay or to not. Or I get to invite someone to rent part of the house. I've had ongoing things like that and my fear of making a mistake. Maybe it's the mother in my voice, the mother had saying, you're going to make a mistake and you're going to screw yourself over and you're going to get hurt. They're going to hurt you, they're going to take you. It kind of bled through now. That's an old story, and I've slowly been trying to move that story out from the forefront of my path because it's blocking me from taking risks and jumping in and jumping in the current. Like, I read something beautiful about how awesome is that when you can jump in the current and not grab the sides, not be gripping the sides of the little riverbank because you're so terrified of where you might end up. But to actually release your fingers and trust something much bigger than you and see where that flow takes you. That's been my journey lately, is prying my fingers off of everything. And COVID has actually been really helping me with that because it's such a weird powerless time period right now for everybody that having to prime my fingers off everything that I think I know and let go and see what's coming down that river.[0:14:00] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I agree. That's exactly what we are working on is just like letting go and whatever is going to be, is going to be, and we're always taking care of. But I do want to get back at this anorexia thing and I want to attach this kind of shame of anorexia withholding yourself, with these seven deadly sins, not in the religious sense, but more in the character defect sense. So I'm going to name them for you. Okay, we got Pride, greed, lust, gluttony, envy, anger and sloth.[0:14:31] Ruby: Okay. So the biggest ones for me are pride and sonic amount of pride about looking good, which is also tied into like, people pleasing how I want people to see me as opposed to what I actually am wanting to control, that there is some lust takes over a little bit sometimes. Read them again.[0:14:56] Brianne Davis: We have greed, lust, gluttony, envy, anger and sloth.[0:15:01] Ruby: There is some greed. I find there is a part of me that I want to hold on to everything physically, metaphorically, monetarily, control. I want to hold on to everything in the way of it's a greed thing to me. It's not open handedly like money. I read something else, like money. I'm on a growing spur right now. Money. Every time you spend money, I read something that said you're supposed to say, well, in this particular thing you said, Arigato, money going out. Arigato, money coming in. So thank you to the money going out and thank you to the money coming in just as much as the money coming in. The money going out should be a thank you. And to me, that is where gluttony or greed is the same with withholding sex. It's the same withholding my connection to intimacy. Allowing somebody to see me. It's covering it's, holding myself small.[0:16:08] Ruby: It's the same as trying to control everything, keeping it in my hands rather than opening my hands. I think those are the big ones for me.[0:16:16] Brianne Davis: Well, I also think what you said with the money and with the sex, it's this flow. It's a flow, it's a continuous flow. And when you stop that energy, you're stopping the flow of you. Because my therapist used to tell me, like money, it flows out and it comes back in. It's just paper. There's actually no meaning behind it. And with sexuality, it's like you have to stay open and let that flow. So you find yourself closing down.[0:16:44] Ruby: Yeah, exactly. I love that.[0:16:46] Brianne Davis: So who has this anorexia side benefited and who has it harmed?[0:16:53] Ruby: Well, the illusion was that the anorexia was going to keep me really safe. But really, the anorexia has kept me really small and has kept me very disconnected and has kept me terrified. It's kept me small, physically, emotionally, mentally small and disconnected. So really, myself, who it's hurt is I would say that the anorexia part of me has hurt everyone that I'm in contact with. My family members, like my brothers and sisters, who see me kind of like get so hard about wanting to control things and trying to manage everything, which is like the anorexia is trying to keep everything just right and keep your food just small enough to where you stay small enough and keep your sexuality. Don't let it out too much because you might get hurt by someone, you might look.[0:17:50] Brianne Davis: Are you always worried too, with the anorexia, that you're going to lose control?[0:17:55] Ruby: Yes. And then there's fears that come with that, and the fears that come with that are like when I was young, I remember being terrified of STDs, like a physical thing. Like if you allow yourself to be, there are STDs. I had all these fears and in life, everything is possible. The truth is, it's like you can get an STD and it's not the end of the earth. But what it is is it's important to live. It's important to live. And also on the biggest scheme of the mall is to try something bigger than you. Yes, we have to take action to be safe, and yes, we have to know the people we're being involved with a bit, not do. And yes, we have to try something with someone. We're not 100%, but we feel pretty good about it and we've talked it out and we're reasoning things out with people that we trust, our God Squad team, because ultimately there is a God. There is a God and we're here on the planet and we're still here on the planet and there are everyday things happening and we're not in control of any of it, as we can clearly see now with COVID But there has to be a point of risk and a point of releasing your fingers from trying to figure everything out. And so the person I think really it's hurt. And it's hurt my partners, because the part of me that would become frustrated with my partners and fearful that I was not trusting them, then I would withdraw and then I would shut the wall would come down, boom. And then they couldn't see me.[0:19:34] Ruby: I would cover myself in my own wall from the anorexia. That would also prevent me from like that saying, whatever the walls that are keeping you from experiencing your joy will keep you from experiencing your pain. And we're supposed to be living life and feeling all of it so that you can have an experience. And I love that thing about like, your heart. Anorexic will try to protect its heart, protect itself. Don't have intimacy. You don't know, stay away from everyone, they're going to all hurt you. And so I love that thing where it says you want to, at the end of the day, have a heart that's scarred and ripped and has bled and has been beat up a bit. Because that means that you've been allowing love in. You've been allowed as opposed to one that is so preserved and so well cared for, because you've protected yourself from any good, any bad, any middle ground, and you've just stayed safe.[0:20:28] Brianne Davis: And I think you also hit on something that I love when you said the walls around you, that it's protecting you from the pain. But I think what's important is when the past, what I've looked at, it doesn't just keep out the pain, it does keep out the joy, it does keep out the happiness, it keeps out everything. You don't get to choose which emotion you can keep in and keep out. If you're closed off, you're closed off to all the emotions and yourself and.[0:20:58] Ruby: You'Re closed off for yourself. I would say to my because my brothers and sisters, my family really see it because I'm really close to my family but they would always be like I would always be like I feel so shut down I can't get out. And they'd be like what's happening? I'm like, you did that thing that made me angry and stressed me out and then my wall came down and then now I'm stuck and it's really hard for me to soften once I've been hardened and my wall comes down. So it's been a really interesting journey of trying to learn to not let the wall shut down so that I can let some of the light come in. They say like the light comes in through the cracks, right? Yeah. And if you don't let any cracks open then no light can come in. And that's what's been my journey lately is letting myself open up across the board with everything and allow some light in so that I can take some risks and I can have some new experiences and that's been my journey and.[0:21:54] Brianne Davis: That you can give and take, like to others. There's an exchange. So my last question for you before we go is how do you move forward or how would you give advice to someone that is feeling stuck?[0:22:10] Ruby: I personally really love twelve sip programs. There's a program for every way that you mask your feelings. There's the drinker program, the beverage program. There's the anorexic if you're under eating your feelings away and trying to make yourself small. There's the overeater program if you're eating your feelings away, trying to avoid. There's the program for if you're using money to either hoard and hoard everything, thinking you're going to be safe if you hoard everything or those people who overspend where they have nothing left. There is a twelve step program for every situation gamblers every way I should speak for myself, but I know my experience is that most people have a way in which they cover themselves with.[0:22:54] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I call it everybody has an Ism.[0:22:57] Ruby: There you go. And there's an Ism program for everything. So I personally like Twelve Sit Program because there are no leaders, there's no governing people. Everybody kind of runs it and it's like free. Basically. You donate a couple of dollars, there's no like, oh, get a loan out on your house and we'll give you this course that will change your life. I've been in some of those too.[0:23:20] Brianne Davis: I have to.[0:23:21] Ruby: When you're feeling fragile, you'll do anything and I just think that's not fair when someone is vulnerable to dive in underneath them and grab them and then take advantage of them. So I think Twelve Sit Program to me is a safe way to take a look at your stuff. And then of course, therapy is always great. I think it's always good to talk things out with someone who really understands. And I think it's really important to create a God squad around you. People that you learn, that you meet through your Twelve Sip programs, a community of people that you feel you can call for different things and that you can be there for them too. Because as they say in Twelve Step, you can't keep what you don't give back. So if I get to learn all this cool stuff, I don't get to keep it unless I share it. So it really makes it a program of like you have to give back. Because if you don't give back and you're just lazy, like, I already got the good, I already feel good, I'm just going to go off now and live my life then that's the wrong way to look at it. The right way to look at it is, okay, I got it. Now I have to give it away so I can keep it.[0:24:19] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, really, that's the only way. And thank you so much for coming on and sharing with us today. Okay, if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Vince says it's been a fantasy for most guys to be in a p*rn. Is that true? Maybe because when you watch, you fantasize you're the person in the video? So what happens when the fantasy becomes real? Is it everything you expected? What if you got stage freight? _____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE'S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Check out the Mindful in Minutes Podcast hosted by Kelly Smith and check out her site for more info: https://www.yogaforyouonline.com_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Vince: You get there and camera man setting up his stuff. Then the actress got there and I talked to her and he was still setting up his stuff. And then I got time to, like, shoot the thing and it was just I mean, it was I couldn't really get it going. No.[0:00:22] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others.[0:01:12] Brianne Davis: You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing, really. You know, how, what, when, where, live it all today. My guess is Vince. Now, Vince, I have a question for you. What is your secret?[0:01:30] Vince: My secret is I've acted in amateur porn films.[0:01:33] Brianne Davis: Oh, yay. Okay, let's talk about it. When did you do that?[0:01:40] Vince: The first thing I did was.[0:01:44] Brianne Davis: Five years ago.[0:01:46] Vince: Yeah. And then it was for a period of it wasn't anything like glamorous. It was just sort of very amateur stuff. But for a period, for about two and a half years, it wasn't very many. It was probably eight.[0:02:04] Brianne Davis: Does anybody in your family or friends know?[0:02:08] Vince: No.[0:02:10] Brianne Davis: I'm getting so excited right now. I love a good secret. Secret.[0:02:14] Vince: Yeah. People who know me and know my personality, that would be the last thing, the last thing ever they would ever think.[0:02:26] Brianne Davis: Okay, let's go back five years ago. What was going on in your life before that? Can you say your occupation?[0:02:34] Vince: Yeah, I can say it. I'm a musician and I also do a little teaching, too. So you asked what was going on before that?[0:02:44] Brianne Davis: Yeah. What's going on before?[0:02:47] Vince: I can tell you. I was just kind of living my normal life. But what happened was I think that sort of was the impetus for it, was I had lost some weight and got into better shape. And it was always something I mean, I had, like, these ambitions. It was always something that I had sort of found. I guess most guys would sort of fantasize about that when they're watching porn. Can I do that? Yeah. Could I ever do that?[0:03:18] Brianne Davis: Is that a fantasy for guys? I didn't know that.[0:03:20] Vince: Maybe not an official fantasy, but it must be something that most guys think, like, wow, could I do that? I wonder if I could do that. I wonder how I'd be, that kind of thing. So I had always thought that and I had a friend, a close friend, and we always kind of joked about, yeah, we should make some amateur porn and produce it or something. It was just one of those things you say when you have a few drinks. It was something that you never because I feel like it's sort of a line you cross and once you do that, in some ways it's out there forever and then it's kind of like there's no coming back from it. Not that it's going to cause a disaster. Yeah, exactly.[0:03:59] Brianne Davis: But I have a question. Did you used to always watch a lot of porn? When did you first see porn? When you were younger, do you remember?[0:04:09] Vince: In fact, I'm a little older. I mean, this was the 90s before the internet, really. So I think I was in high school, someone had a video or something like that. But when I really started watching it, I guess with the rise of the tube sites like pornhub and I guess 2008, 2009 when the free content started coming online, then I became more of a watcher.[0:04:39] Brianne Davis: I just remember I saw it so young, the skin of Ax, you know, and it would come in fuzzy on the TV and you'd kind of be able to see it.[0:04:48] Vince: Yeah, sure.[0:04:51] Brianne Davis: We didn't have money, obviously. My parents didn't have money to pay for it. So we'd be like, oh, you can kind of see what's going on.[0:04:58] Vince: Yeah, yeah, that's 2008. 2009. I remember when I first heard about pornhub, I couldn't believe it. I mean, there was free before that. There were some sites that would have I think in 2007 or 2008 there were sites that would have little clips, just little clips for movies. Pornhub was kind of revolutionary in a lot of ways. It was bad. I don't know how anyone in that industry really makes money whenever they actually don't anymore.[0:05:31] Brianne Davis: Unless they produce it themselves, they don't really make money.[0:05:34] Vince: Exactly. So yeah, that's when I started really watching it. I had a desktop computer before that, but then I got a laptop and I had an iPad too. Although I never got this into the iPad. It's like it's sort of like cocaine or something.[0:05:51] Brianne Davis: It's a complete addiction. No, I actually deal with a lot of mostly men, but still a lot of women, they are addicted to porn. It's that fantasy. The fantasy becomes the reality more than the reality.[0:06:05] Vince: Yeah, exactly. So 2009 issue so I started watching more and then I think there was this process of desensitization too, because it just becomes normal. And that's I think when I really started thinking more about first it was just watching it and then I started thinking about like, wow, it's just more of a fantasy. Can I do this? Can I be in a room full of people? And really it just takes a certain breed, I thought.[0:06:42] Brianne Davis: I would say it probably does have a little bit of that exhibitionism going on.[0:06:47] Vince: Exactly. So the seeds of that whole thing, I guess, started there. I had lost some weight started losing some weight in 2017. And then I got down to I wasn't super heavy and I wasn't really heavy growing up. I had gained weight in my twenties and 30s, but then I had gotten back down to a decent weight, and I just that that idea was still there, that had been there, that sort of fantasy about it. And then I thought, I don't know, I was reaching out to some people online, okay.[0:07:20] Brianne Davis: And talking about in a chat group or something.[0:07:24] Vince: There were people it's sort of related to some things I was doing too. Maybe in a way, I kind of had a sexual addiction. I was seeing dominatrixes and stuff.[0:07:35] Brianne Davis: Wait, pause. Wait. You were seeing dominatrix? Is that another secret?[0:07:42] Vince: That was something I shared with some friends, not with family, but that was something I had shared with some friends. That was something I wasn't, and that was not really sexual. It was all sort of control. I mean, it was sexual in a sense. I wasn't having sex with them. I was experimenting with bondage and that kind of thing. So that kind of further wet my appetite for that world and further got me acclimated to that world. You had asked, yeah, there were a few dominatrix. Dominatrix CS. Would that be the plural? I always say dominatrix, but there are a few that I had kind of worked with a little bit. I could say a client of. And then I had mentioned it with them. And what happened, how I really started was at the time, I was going on Craigslist, and since they maybe changed it, but there were ads for models and that kind of thing, and it's coded a little bit, but you kind of know what it's about. So I think it was an ad that I saw for Men wanted for some amateur stuff.[0:08:53] Vince: Again, this was nothing like glamorous. This is like real gonzo stuff where you're shooting in someone's apartment.[0:08:59] Brianne Davis: Honestly, I don't think a lot of them are glamorous.[0:09:05] Vince: But yeah, actually, I'm wrong about that. What would happen was, okay, this is what it was. There was a dominatrix that I was seeing, and her, I don't know if it was her husband or boyfriend, they were making some amateur content and they wanted me to audition.[0:09:19] Brianne Davis: Did you?[0:09:20] Vince: I did. Yes, I did.[0:09:22] Brianne Davis: Okay. That's what you have to take it through. So take us through the audition process for an amateur porn.[0:09:29] Vince: Okay. And I know her a little bit. I got comfortable with her, but I had never met her husband or boyfriend. She said, yeah, he films the stuff and I'll direct it. And it was just basically like a solo scene just to see if I could do the stuff on camera. So we set up a time and went to her apartment and it was like, you want the details?[0:09:53] Brianne Davis: Yes.[0:09:54] Vince: Okay. So it's basically like she was on camera, like her husband was operating the camera, and she had said, can you really do this in front of my husband's going to be operating the camera? And I was like, Whoa, man.[0:10:05] Brianne Davis: Were you nervous?[0:10:07] Vince: Yeah, I was definitely nervous. And I thought my sexual experiences involved women. They weren't really like men or brown, you know what I mean? Is this going to be weird? Can I do this? But again, to me, I think there is sort of like a sexual addiction aspect to it because it was like this charge, like this rush. It was almost like that part of my brain was really like a drug. It's like, I remember driving there and calling my friend and saying, I'm really going to do this. And she was just like, you're crazy. She sort of thought it was funny. So I went in and then I met him and he was filming. I think he just had, like, an iPhone or something. I can't remember what he was using exactly. And she said, okay, we talked about what we're going to do. And she said, she's directing me and he's filming.[0:10:53] Vince: And it was just basically like, strip and take all your clothes off. And you kind of do your solo scene where you have to masturbate into completion and they want to kind of see if you can do that on camera.[0:11:05] Brianne Davis: So was it easy? Was it hard? How was the outcome of that audition?[0:11:13] Vince: Believe it or not, that outcome was good. It was good. It was fairly easy.[0:11:22] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:11:23] Vince: Yeah.[0:11:24] Brianne Davis: So you're driving away and then what's your thought?[0:11:28] Vince: It kind of just went my appetite for more. I thought, like, wow, because I can remember he was this kind of burly dude and he's filming it, but she can be seen and heard on camera. She didn't participate. She was basically directing it. It's like, okay, do this. She's, like, encouraging me and directing it, and he's filming. But, yeah, I was able to do it and get right into it. I wasn't nervous. It was like, all right, strip. And I was like, Bam. I don't know, I just sort of became this character or whatever, but I felt like it was an aspect of me. It felt fine, really. It wasn't like, I did it and I thought, oh, my God, what have I done? I was cool with it. Okay, yeah, so we did that and then after that but see, I'm in an area, I don't want to say exactly where I am, but I'm not in La.[0:12:16] Vince: I'm not in a big city like.[0:12:18] Brianne Davis: You'Re in a small town somewhere.[0:12:19] Vince: Yes. Things move slowly. So I did that in the fall of in the fall. And then I didn't do anything again until I had another friend who was I saw who was a dominatrix, and he was trying to get into filming content. And we filmed the scene, and it was more like this, too. It was more like a solo scene. It was more like a domination theme.[0:12:41] Brianne Davis: Were you getting dominated or was she getting done?[0:12:43] Vince: I was getting dominated, yes.[0:12:45] Brianne Davis: Got you.[0:12:45] Vince: And we kind of worked out the scene. It was kind of like the same situation. And we did that, and I knew her pretty well, so I was comfortable with that. That went well. But I can tell you where things started to really go off the tracks, where I hit some roadblocks.[0:12:58] Brianne Davis: Let's do it.[0:13:00] Vince: I have these two scenes under my belt, and I think I'm a pro.[0:13:04] Brianne Davis: You're like, I got.[0:13:08] Vince: That. I did the second thing in the wintertime. Then I remember by that. I had hooked up with this cameraman who had done, like, legitimate things. He had filmed some legitimate stuff around town. Like, he was an editor and he was, like, a real camera guy. He wanted to get into this stuff and he wanted to produce some videos, so I hooked up with him. Now, this was, like, my first real boy girl shoot. This was that spring, the following spring, in May. And there was an actress. He was basically producing it, an actress he got from out of town. She was from New England or something. But she had done some stuff like she was nice, cool and everything. And he got her for the scene. And I had checked out some of her stuff and I talked to her on the phone.[0:13:53] Vince: She was really cool. So she came in from Connecticut or whatever she drove in, and he had gotten this room at the Holiday Inn.[0:14:00] Brianne Davis: In the Holiday Inn?[0:14:02] Vince: Yeah.[0:14:03] Brianne Davis: I love it.[0:14:05] Vince: So I remember the night before that, I was a little nervous, but I was like, I don't know.[0:14:09] Brianne Davis: Wait, my question for you. Were you getting paid at this time.[0:14:12] Vince: Or no, I was barely getting really paid. It was never for the month with the guys.[0:14:17] Brianne Davis: I know, but did you get paid for that one?[0:14:20] Vince: I think I got a little travel money, but I basically like, the money went to her.[0:14:24] Brianne Davis: Got it.[0:14:25] Vince: So I was just kind of like, I want to start getting my name out there as an actor. And he wanted to set this up. So yeah, I hardly got it. I think I got a little travel money, but nothing I mean, I might have gotten $50 or something. We do the scene. So it's the day of the scene, and I was a little nervous in my mind. I wasn't that nervous, really, until I got there. It's such like a clinical you get there and carry on setting up his stuff. And he was, like, a little kind of apprehensive about bringing all this stuff through the hallway. He didn't want to put it somehow on the store. It's like a little inconspicuous. He's got, like, lights and all this stuff and he sets up the lights and everything. And then the actress got there and I talked to her and he was still setting up his stuff. And then I got time to shoot the thing. I couldn't really get it going.[0:15:33] Vince: No, I remember.[0:15:35] Brianne Davis: Was it the pressure?[0:15:37] Vince: It was just everything. It was just you're in this very clinical environment. Like, you've got this big burly camera dude. He was a nice guy, too, but he's got these lights. And the actress, she was very nice. She was very professional. But cameraman setting up his stuff. And like I said, that was taking forever. And then finally, after an hour, whatever it was, we got time to do. And then some question about what exactly we were going to do as far as for the scene. But I guess we decided to kind of let it evolve organically, just naturally. But I knew I had a problem. I just couldn't get my equipment going. No.[0:16:16] Brianne Davis: A professional actor, even when I do love scenes and it's so clinical and you actually have to work it out or there's too much pressure and you don't know. So I can imagine being like, let's see what happens with all those lights and people looking at all. I know it literally perform all the way.[0:16:36] Vince: Yeah, it was a little cold in that hotel room. It made it even worse that morning. Not to get too graphic or anything, but I remember the night before, I didn't do anything with myself.[0:16:53] Brianne Davis: Get ready for tomorrow. I get it.[0:16:56] Vince: But that morning, I sort of, like, tested myself out a little bit. Can I get this going? I felt like felt good. Okay. But when we got time to really shooting it, I just couldn't get anything going. I remember when I went to the bathroom, I felt like I'll try to get myself going in there. And I remember the bathroom was cold. It was, like, cold, kind of. I was in there. I was trying to get things going and it just was not happening at all. Not at all. Like I was saying, it was like that feeling where you're at the doctor's office or something, you might be a little nervous and the last thing on your mind would be trying to get aroused. You know what I mean? It was strange to me because I didn't know what it was, really. I mean, the actress was pretty, she was nice.[0:17:43] Vince: I think it was just this whole I have total respect for the guys that can act in these films. Just to be able to turn it on like that. Under all circumstances or different circumstances. I'm sure they have problems occasionally, but I couldn't even really get it going a little bit. So I'm in there. I kind of popped out for a minute and I was talking to them. I think they were patient and understanding, but I felt like just an idiot. You know what I mean? I felt like I was and then.[0:18:13] Brianne Davis: That makes it worse, right? Where you're eating yourself up and they're like, Come on, come on.[0:18:18] Vince: It did make it worse. So we weren't really able to film, like, a whole movie, really, but we were able to do, like, a few scenes, not to be too graphic. We did, like, an oral scene, and we did try to do a few other things, but there was no penetration scene, really. I just couldn't do it. And it was funny. It was pretty funny because I tend to talk when I get nervous. So I was talking to her. It was like, in some ways, it was like and he's got the camera rolling, and I'm trying to compensate for my failure by being, like, a little funny and I'm a little neurotic, and it's like Woody Allen making a porn or something. It was just ridiculous. And at one point, the cameraman, he's kind of, like, heckling me a little bit, I have to say. It was a failure. It was absolutely a failure.[0:19:12] Brianne Davis: Just did not do your best. I'll give you an A for effort.[0:19:21] Vince: Well, thank you. It was just a weird feeling. I mean, I got there, like I said that morning, I kind of felt like, okay, I can do this. And I just got there and I tried to get myself going, but it was like the opposite of being around. I could not do it. I could not do it at all. He still wound up. What he did was he filmed a little solo scene with the actress when I was trying to get my stuff together. And so he was able to, I think, use that a little bit, and.[0:19:51] Brianne Davis: Then he cut it and make it look a certain way.[0:19:54] Vince: Yeah, just as a standalone solo scene for her. Then we were able to do an oral scene and that kind of thing. So some of that, I think, was usable. But yeah, the most I remember when he was editing it, he just told me it was hard to edit because it was just so ridiculous, and he was trying to take out all my talking. That's something I learned just to preview a lot. I did learn a lot from it. The two things I learned was just to keep your mouth shut.[0:20:28] Brianne Davis: Don't talk.[0:20:29] Vince: Yeah, just to keep your mouth shut. And I also learned to take a little chemical help before the next scene, which I did.[0:20:37] Brianne Davis: And I had a bad, like, Viagra or something.[0:20:39] Vince: My friend gave me a Sialis. Yeah.[0:20:42] Brianne Davis: Okay. So there was a second time after that. Was it with the same cameraman or.[0:20:50] Vince: A different no, it was with a different camera person.[0:20:55] Brianne Davis: So what made you want to do it? The time after wasn't that traumatizing? Or you were like, I can do this. I can do this.[0:21:05] Vince: I just wanted to redeem myself. It's like kind of thing. You have a miserable failure, you crash and burn and you say, I've got to try this again. And I knew I thought, if I fail at this one, then I'm not cut out for it. But this one had a much better outcome.[0:21:19] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:21:20] Vince: Yeah. So this was a couple of months later. So it was May that I had that failure. I tried to laugh about it. It was funny.[0:21:27] Brianne Davis: It is funny. It's great. Listen, it's good you're putting yourself out there and trying something new. And you're not always going to succeed the first time. It's okay.[0:21:37] Vince: Yeah. I mean, if you were to watch it, it's so ridiculous. I'm just jabbering, like the whole time. And the more I'm failing, the more I'm talking. And she was a good sport, and it was ridiculous. But I remained on good terms with the camera man. And we actually filmed something. We filmed something after that. We filmed another domination type scene. That was a year later. But yes, I wanted to redeem myself. And by the way, he put this stuff online.[0:22:12] Brianne Davis: How did it feel being online?[0:22:15] Vince: It was a little weird. But my feeling about that is there's so much stuff online now, there's such an remain anonymous. It was on one of the tubes. It was actually on X videos. It was on pornhub, too. Pornhub had a purge of their content. They purged a lot of their stuff.[0:22:37] Brianne Davis: So yours got purged.[0:22:39] Vince: I think if you went through you had to go through like a reauthorization process or something. And he was legit and stuff, but I think he didn't want to bother with that. But yeah, there was a copy of it too. It was actually on X videos at one point for a while.[0:22:55] Brianne Davis: So here's my question for you with that. Have you made any money from that? No. Okay.[0:23:01] Vince: Nothing. Yeah.[0:23:02] Brianne Davis: Okay. So let's get back to your triumphant return.[0:23:06] Vince: Okay. Yeah. Okay. This is better. At this point. I joined a website that is called Sexy Jobs. It's for adult performers who want to reach out to producers and that kind of a thing. Okay. I joined that. And I had connected with a woman who's a few hours away, she was working with again, this is really very gonzo not glamorous stuff at all, really. Just kind of people making amateur content. Yeah. She was working with a woman who was producing a video, and I told her I should show her. I showed her something else. I certainly didn't show her that failure scene.[0:23:49] Vince: I think I showed her like a solo scene or something. And then we set up a date to work together. So it was a different camera person. It was her friend or her so called manager, whatever she was filming it and producing it. So this was a few hours away. I went and did a shoot with them. And now that was the one I was preparing. My friend had given me that pill, and he told me to take it. And I took it. And that scene went much better. We were actually able to film, like, a real movie. I remembered I said to myself, just keep your mouth shut. Just don't talk. And I was respectable in that one. I'm not saying I was.[0:24:35] Brianne Davis: I know you did your job, but listen.[0:24:38] Vince: But I was okay. It was a respectable performance.[0:24:42] Brianne Davis: But here's the thing. I love that you keep giving this tip. Don't talk if you're going to go into porn or mature porn. Do not talk. Keep your mouth shut.[0:24:52] Vince: Yeah, especially for the guys are just like ornaments, really. I mean, it all exists. Most of it, yes. Men who want to watch women. So no one wants to hear some guy jabber, especially some neurotic Woody Allen. Dude, it was outrageous. I couldn't believe I was that bad. This time. I just thought, okay, I'm not going to talk.[0:25:13] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:25:13] Vince: But the difficulty with this one was and we were able to shoot like a whole scene with several acts and stuff. And it was good. It was fine. The only issue with that was that had challenges, too, because what were the challenges? The producer. The camera woman, producer lady. She was cool and everything, but she had this style of shooting. And what do I know? I'm no veteran or anything. But instead of just like rolling, letting you, like kind of do your thing organically and rolling, she would say, okay, we're going to shoot this oral scene. And then she said it would take 15 minutes to set up the camera and different angles. She didn't really have that much equipment. She had less equipment than the camera guy that I worked with before. But she had lights and stuff. So she's taking forever to set the scene up.[0:26:04] Vince: And then, okay, then we do the oral scene. And it's like, okay, stop. Then she's taking like 15 or 20 minutes to set up for the other whatever else we're going to do following that. So in between, your momentum is broken.[0:26:18] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the world of filming. That is every actor, whether you're in porn or regular actor, just like, worst nightmare, welcome to the club.[0:26:30] Vince: But I feel like it's even worse with this because you have to get yourself so I would just be sitting and standing around that's like, okay, start resume this. What the hell? And then I did have some mild issues with that. I had some mild issues, like getting going in between, but I was still able to do it. And then we were able to get the climax and everything. The pop shot, whatever you want to call it. I was able to actually fulfill my role, even though I had a few minor problems, but yeah, that was the challenge with that one. It was just ridiculous. This kept happening. It was like, okay, do this then. Okay, I'm going to set up. Sometimes it was like 20 minutes in between and she's messing with the lights and that's like, okay, start again, man. I mean, how can you do that? Especially with something like.[0:27:22] Brianne Davis: Yes, turn it on again.[0:27:24] Vince: And then it would just be but that was the one where I redeemed myself. I felt like I redeemed myself.[0:27:31] Brianne Davis: Yay. Congrats, Vince. Congratulations. So here's the thing. Are you going to do it again? Is this going to be a part of your life? Has it become an addiction? How are you feeling?[0:27:46] Vince: Yeah, I would love to do it again. It's just that the area where I am, it's tough and there's not much happening here. And I tried to reach out to some more like real whatever you want to call it, real producers or some La kind of producers. Part of me felt like I don't really have what it takes to really be like a real guy that can just go in like a caveman and just have sex with a girl under any circumstances. I know I don't have that right. And then there's not much really being made where I am. But I thought my strength was where I did the best was solo scenes. I had no problem, just totally no problem. And then doing these domination themed scenes, I've done a few with that original cameraman. We did another one where I play like, Peeping Tom, proprietor of a motel, and I'm watching this woman and she catches me set up a camera. And that was scary. And there was a little acting involved, and that was done with an actress outside of where I am. And she had done some stuff. She was yeah, she had the experience. And I enjoyed the acting aspect and kind of doing some lines and kind of riffing and stuff like that.[0:28:58] Vince: I felt like that was more my strength than actually just going in and being like this caveman and just being.[0:29:02] Brianne Davis: Able to well, just being the prop. Then it's just being the prop. Is that what I completely get that. But how does it feel now? Because this is the first time you've said this secret out loud. How are you feeling right now? Does it feel free?[0:29:17] Vince: Yeah, it feels good again. To me, I've sort of been desensitized, really. Like, I've been a little desensitized, really. So to me, it almost feels like it's normal to do this stuff.[0:29:29] Brianne Davis: Yeah.[0:29:29] Vince: But I remember that this was a gradual process and in the beginning it's still not completely normal now. But in the beginning, I would have thought it was the most outrageous thing. But now it's like you get kind of used to it in a way. But yeah, obviously if everyone found out, it would be. Scandal or be bad. But yeah, if there wasn't such a stigma about it, I'd be okay with telling people.[0:29:56] Brianne Davis: But here's the thing. Sex work is actually coming less stigmatized. So maybe this is the first step of you actually leaning into this hobby that could be a career. Who knows? Who knows, right? The whole thing I love is that you're willing to come on right now and share it with us and share your truth in a very funny story, which I very much appreciated this morning. So thank you for that.[0:30:20] Vince: Yeah, thank you.[0:30:21] Brianne Davis: Is there anything else you want to add before we get off?[0:30:25] Vince: Yeah, sure. I have a question for you. I would like to get a female opinion about this.[0:30:30] Brianne Davis: Sure.[0:30:30] Vince: If this is part of my history of something I've done, I always wonder, I told, when you're dating someone, do you think it's something that he had a little history of this stuff? Would you feel like it would be something that he should tell you, or.[0:30:45] Brianne Davis: No, I mean, I think that's a personal preference. If you're dating someone, if you're with someone for a while and they become a significant other, I think that would be an important time to reveal. But if you just start dating someone, I don't think that's relevant for them to know. I always believe when you start dating, you don't overshare at first. You ask questions. You ask about the other person and see if they're a good fit for you before you divulge every dark secret you've ever had in your life. And I don't think it would hinder someone wanting to be in a relationship with someone. But I don't know, that's just me. Everybody has different preferences, but that's just me.[0:31:24] Vince: Yeah. I mean, I wonder about that. And even the job I have, I don't know if I'd automatically be fired for that.[0:31:31] Brianne Davis: Well, you're a teacher, right? So I don't know either, so I have no clue. Yeah, but here's the thing. Your secret is okay to reveal and live your truth at the same time.[0:31:43] Vince: Sure. And again, I think that the stigma attached to adult work is sort of fading away a little bit.[0:31:50] Brianne Davis: I think a lot of it.[0:31:52] Vince: Yeah. I feel like it's totally different from even the mean. I feel like the Internet really changed everything.[0:32:00] Brianne Davis: They normalized. It as young as six and eight years old, which is not okay. But I'm so grateful you came on. I'm so grateful you reached out. This has been such a fun interview. So thank you for coming on.[0:32:15] Vince: Thank you so much.[0:32:17] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.[0:32:29] Vince: Bye.[0:32:30] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy