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Lori is a clinical psychologist, sex and intimacy coach. She has been working with individuals, couples, groups for over 30 years to help them create and sustain their ideal intimate relationships. She has kink and polyamory knowledgeable. She works with all genders, sexualities. Lori has expertise helping people heal from trauma, moving beyond survivor mode and back into life. She provides therapy, coaching, events, workshops online, in real life to help her clients gain and maintain relationships that suit them best. Since 2016 Lori has hosted the A to Z of Sex podcast and Sex Spoken Here podcast, now vlog. She is also a professional speaker covering relationships with sexuality from A to Z worldwide. Lori's websites host blogs covering topics from how to support a child who has just come out as transgender to what to do if your partner wants you to open up your relationship to healing from vaginismus. Lori writes for Yourtango.com, Scarlet LadiesUK and she is featured on PsychCentral, Prevention, and others.  She appeared on Channel 5 (UK) in 2019 on Maroon Productions, The Sex Business in the episode called Spank Me Harder.  Lori has two books out: Rites of Passage and the other on treatment of PTSD. Her third book is in production. Lori is bisexual, married to a bisexual man. They are polyamorous, and in an authority transfer based relationship. Lori's mission: Taking sex and conversations about sex from the shadows to the light. Join her on her weekly radio show The A to Z of Sex® to explore the erotic alphabet from A to Z. Whether you resonate with alternative lifestyles or a traditional one, you deserve an authentic intimate life.   The show can be found on the Health and Wellness Channel, Voiceamerica.com.  Bit.ly/atozofsexradio 

Please enjoy again:   Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of SexÒ.  I'm Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don't have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is O and O is for online sex.   Online sex can run the gamut from web cams where you pay for (mostly) women to strip for you or play with you, amateur web caming, online phone sex, pornography websites, written erotica and through online sexual communities.    Joining me tonight is Sharon Somers who created climaxconnection.com Climax connection is an online adult community website for people to find masturbation partners for phone sex or for people just seeking to enhance their masturbation experience by being able to listen to member contributed erotic audios or read their erotic short stories.   They have profile pages, chat rooms with free audio and video capabilities, a forum, erotic short stories and audios.  Many people just hang out in the chat rooms just to have fun, relax and chat.    We started by talking about how chat rooms came to be and Sharon likened the site to an advanced version of the original chat rooms on AOL and Yahoo.  I mentioned that before that we had bulletin boards and that Compuserve and Prodigy were early adopters of chat space.    Sharon explained that people create community and that some are only willing to interact on the site.  They refuse to give out any details so that they can chat off site or phone sex.  She highlighted the fact that many relationships are long term.    She also mentioned that people are not terribly trusting which is why they don't want to part with personal details.   Sharon talked about the many people who come to the site who are in relationships with partners who don't share their sexual interests.  She said that she is a phone sex operator by trade and started this site because the other sites she visited in between clients to relax didn't have the full range of features that she has now put on this site.   We talked about the clients who come for phone sex versus chat and cam sex and highlighted the fact that most of the clients don't want to watch a woman masturbate on camera.  Many of them have very specific fantasies.  She told me that she is asked to be a robot every few weeks and use a robot voice and that these clients have a full fantasy around how their ideal android looks.  If she were to appear on cam it would interfere with the fantasy.    We spoke about the value of sex work for people who are not getting their needs met in their relationships.  She told me that many of the men are in sexless marriages and most of her clientele are men.  She shared that sometimes partners or wives call and abuse her or the other women and said that they are not trying to take these men away.  They do this for the money they earn.  I pointed out that it is common to target the other person instead of the spouse who is the one who had committed the betrayal.   We spoke about a wide variety of types of clients, chat play and the things Sharon enjoys about her work and in her off time.  Sharon will join me on Sex Spoken Here for the series about sex work.   website: http:/www.climaxconnection.com or for phone sex: erotictalkphonesex.com twitter: https://twitter/climaxers facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Climax-connection-361709193897804/ Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to drloribeth@atozofsex.com and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to explore and express your authentic sexual self.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to http://www.atozofsex.com (www.atozofsex.com) and click on the button that says ‘book now'.   If...

Part 1 can be found on The A to Z of Sex.   Welcome to Sex Spoken Here. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.   Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity, deeply knowing another person.  Emotional intimacy is built by getting to know someone deeply – sharing confidences.  Physical intimacy includes many forms of sexual contact.   Joining me today is Georgia Rose, found of G’s Spot – her digital platrom that is devoted to female sexual pleasure and sensuality.  She says she has ‘launched this digital platform because it has profoundly affected me that beneath the projection of a progressive, educated and liberated society there lies the murky reality that female sexuality is still largely misunderstood, mystified and miscommunicated and I want to do something to change that.’  She has carried out her own survey on female sexual pleasure and over 500 people have completed it.  She is using her data and her platform to open up conversations about female sexuality that place the female body and experience at the core.   www.gs/spot.co.uk @georgias_spot   Thanks for joining me for the Sex Spoken Here this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.  Look out for my new radio show in January. If you enjoy the show, please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Part 2 can be found on Sex Spoken Here this coming Thursday.   I is for Intimacy   Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I'm Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don't have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is I and I is for Intimacy   Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity, deeply knowing another person.  Emotional intimacy is built by getting to know someone deeply – sharing confidences.  Physical intimacy includes many forms of sexual contact.   Joining me today is Georgia Rose, found of G's Spot – her digital platrom that is devoted to female sexual pleasure and sensuality.  She says she has ‘launched this digital platform because it has profoundly affected me that beneath the projection of a progressive, educated and liberated society there lies the murky reality that female sexuality is still largely misunderstood, mystified and miscommunicated and I want to do something to change that.'  She has carried out her own survey on female sexual pleasure and over 500 people have completed it.  She is using her data and her platform to open up conversations about female sexuality that place the female body and experience at the core.   http://www.gs/spot.co.uk (www.gs/spot.co.uk) @georgias_spot   Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drloribeth@atozofsex.com , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.  Look out for my new radio show in January. If you enjoy the show, please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter J.

Please enjoy again:   Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  R   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Today we will be talking about bisexuality and BDSM. Joining me is Rudo Mashongomende.  She is 33 years old, bisexual and she works in fashion. She has always been drawn to the world of BDSM but always felt, or was made to feel that it was a sordid world, so clearly she was perverted. She realises now that even as a teen she didn’t mind that, but finding like minded people, just to discuss it was the problem. She found Scarlet Ladies this year, and she was proudly part of their #italksex campaign. Turning 30 was very positive for her because she finally felt like she was in her prime, so she is allowing herself to do things she’s always been curious about. She went to her first Torture Garden last month, and she will now go to fetish events regularly, say once a every month or two. She has two subs whom she has just acquired, so she’s enjoying building dynamics with each of them. Being dominant feels so wonderfully natural, and is an effective outlet for the stresses of everyday life!   I asked Rudo to tell me about her background and culture.   Rudo is Black British and is proud of this identification.   She was raised Catholic and by choice attended church until she was 18.   I asked about her first sexual awareness and she told me that she first found she had an interest in some of the catalogue models in the men’s underwear section when she was about 11.  She spoke of noticing ‘the bulges’ and having a physical response and even cutting out one picture to keep.  She spoke about losing her virginity at 17 to a boyfriend and that this was a really positive experience.  We spoke about how lucky she was to have a positive first sexual experience and she says that she still remembers it well.    Rudo talked about being heterosexual through university.   She told me she went to school in Brighton and that she went to a few gay bars and was aware of an attraction to women but didn’t want to act on it or even fully acknowledge this.  She spoke about moving back to London and living with a partner for 5 years and during that relationship telling him that she realised she was attracted to women and wanted to have a threesome to explore this attraction.   In the end, this didn’t happen and it wasn’t until after the relationship ended that she began to explore.   Rudo talked about finding a group through Meetup and making friends with bisexual women and that meeting people to experiment with flowed from here.    From there, we spoke about her interest in BDSM.  She spoke about enjoying power exchange and enjoying being dominant.  She spoke about finding partners through the Whiplr app and we talked a bit about the use of apps to find partners.   Finally we talked about Scarlet Ladies and the #italksex campaign and 23 Paul Street.  Rudo spoke of her belief in gender equality especially when it comes to sex and desire.  She spoke of the importance of speaking out in public so that change happens.  We spoke about the joys of Scarlet Ladies and the wonders of 23 Paul Street.   You can find Rudo at: https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/italksex-because-they-cant-we-can-and-we-should/ https://twitter.com/stylist_face https://instagram.com/stylist_face   23 Paul Street is the Gentleman’s Club we discussed. You can find out more about Scarlet Ladies here.   Today we spoke about the transition from heterosexuality to bisexuality, BDSM and in particular dominant women, and the importance of gender equality when it comes to sex and desire.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: BDSM and Power Exchange Practicalities BDSM and Power Exchange Practicalities 1 BDSM: Dominant Couples BDSM Part 2 BDSM Part 1 From Ouch to OOO When Pain Turns You On Here’s What Guys Find So Freakin Hot about Rough Sex Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. Is non-monogamy for you? What about Kink? BDSM? Role Play? Take my free test and learn how to add that to your sex life.  

Please enjoy again: BDSM and Power Exchange Part 4   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Thanks for joining me for part 4 of this series on BDSM and Power Exchange.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. In parts 1-3 of this series we examined BDSM and power exchange from a number of angles.  This week, I look at the practicalities for getting started if BDSM and power exchange turn you on. I will start with things everyone needs to consider whether partnered or un-partnered.  Then I will give specifics for singles.  I will follow this with specifics for couples.  Where to start?  You might want to grab something to write with and some paper now.  Some people believe they need to work out every detail before actually leaving the house.  Not only isn’t this a good idea but it isn’t possible.  You won’t know exactly what you will enjoy until you have begun to experiment.  I advise not to think in terms of NEVER or ALWAYS.  Even some hard limits may shift after some time.    However, it is a good idea to have an idea of your current limits, interests and desires.    Start with the shape of your relationship.  If you are single, decide if you are looking for one person or people to experiment with, or if you are looking for one relationship that will include BDSM as part of the relationship or more than one relationship (and if only one or more than one will include BDSM).  If you are partnered, are you going to involve anyone else in your exploration of BDSM and power exchange? Next consider whether you are going to explore in public venues or in private on your own or both.  Many people enjoy going to public venues (like Torture Garden in London, UK) or private parties (which are still public as you are playing in the presence of other people) or at public events (like Weekend Reunion in New Jersey in the US every August or Master slave Conference which happens annually in the Washington DC area usually Labor Day weekend).  Some people prefer to experiment on their own at home and not to attend any events.   There are pros and cons to both. Pros to going to events where there are other people present: You can meet people who you might want to play with. Events are a good place to connect with others who may share your interests and desires.  Meeting people in person is still the best way to figure out if you are compatible and also to get a sense of trustworthiness.  Most of us get gut feelings when we meet people and if we feel uncomfortable can walk away from any potential relationship right then.    Meeting people online can be useful but until you make contact face to face, you won’t truly know if there is any chance of things progressing.  Some events have only a few attendees and others have thousands. You can meet people who you might wish to learn from. Experienced people often attend public events and that gives newer people the opportunity to watch them and also to learn from them.  Sometimes you can get actual instruction and other times the opportunity to arrange a time to learn from them.    It is a good idea to get some hands on instruction to learn things like flogging, using a single tail whip or bullwhip, suspension bondage, needle play or any kind of edge play.  There are many other things where you can benefit from instruction.  You can enjoy watching others play. Watching others play is really hot.  It gives you the opportunity to see a variety of activities which will help you to decide if that is something you might want to try.  Sometimes watching helps people to eliminate activities as well. You can enjoy being watched by others. Some people get really turned on by having others watching them.  Parties are great places to indulge in exhibitionism that doesn’t put you at risk of being caught and arrested.  (Or at least drastically lowers the risk) You can socialise with people who share your interests. Parties and events are great places to socialise with people who also enjoy BDSM and power exchange.  For people who are in the closet amongst most if not all of their family and friends, these spaces are the only places where they can truly be out and congruent with all parts of themselves visible.  Of course just because you enjoy BDSM doesn’t mean you will have lots of other things in common.     Cons of going to events where there are other people present: You will be visible. Events where there are other people mean that you will be visible.  If you are worried about running into people who may not approve of what you are doing, this could be a reason not to play in public. Events cost money and can be expensive. Most parties and events cost some money to cover the cost of the venue, safe sex supplies, dungeon furniture, event insurance and any refreshments. You might not feel you fit in. Some events have cliques.  Some events have very few LGBTQ people.  Others have few POC (people of colour).  The first event my husband and I attended we didn’t feel we fit in terribly well.  There were almost no POC present and there were no other interracial couples.  Sex during a scene may be off limits.  Look for sex positive events if you want to integrate penetrative sex into a scene.   Pros to experimenting alone Things are completely private between you and your partner.  This can increase intimacy. You can have full penetrative sex during your scene if you wish. At many events, full nudity is prohibited and full penetrative sex is prohibited either for legal reasons or because it is a rule of the event.  Cons of experimenting in private only: When things go wrong, there is no one to get advice from.  If you are new to all of this, it can be really helpful to have someone experienced around in case something doesn’t go to plan. Now consider who is going to be in charge?  How do you want to shape your power exchange? If you are single: What role are you most drawn to?  Have you always wanted to call the shots and be in control?  If so, you may be dominant.  Would you love to be able to surrender to someone else for a change?  If so, you may be submissive.  Do you feel equally drawn to both roles or is your desire dependent upon who you are interested in playing with?  If so, you may be a switch. If you are partnered: Many couples fall into natural roles before they decide to experiment with power exchange.  These may be the roles they adopt when they start experimenting but they are not always.  Talk through who would like to be in control, who would like to surrender.  Consider service.  While some dominants enjoy service – they enjoy giving the submissive what will make them happy, many prefer to be served.     It may be that you both feel you could be in either role and enjoy it and then you can work out switching and talk about who will be in charge when. Sometimes both partners feel strongly that they are dominant or that they are submissive.  When this is the case, they usually find they wish to look for someone else to take the other power role as in the last podcast when I spoke to Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who are a dominant couple. Next the activities you are interested in: It is a good idea to make a list of all the things that turn you on and that you might want to try at some point.  When you have finished this list, it is a good idea to make a list of things you absolutely don’t want to try.  These are the things you may consider your hard limits.    If you are single, have this list to hand when you meet someone you might want to play with as you will refer to it as you negotiate. Pick a few things that you would like to try first.  It’s a good idea to have the things you start with be entry level things.  For example, if you have never experienced any pain during sex and you are in the submissive role, don’t start with whipping with a bullwhip.    Instead, if pain appeals to you, start with a light flogging or light spanking.    Don’t forget service activities like giving a foot massage, bringing drinks and snacks and serving them to the person who is in the dominant role.  Ask the person who you think you want to play with what they like for service. If you are partnered: Set aside some time and share your lists with each other.  Be clear about hard limits first.   Then look at the things that you might want to try.  Consider entry level activities first: various types of service, if you are looking at using pain consider light spankings or light floggings.    Consider things that demonstrate that the dominant is in charge like binding the submissive’s hands or having the submissive kneel or sit at the dominant’s feet. Both single and partnered need to consider if you are going to include sexual activities integrated in the BDSM and power exchange.  Some people do not at all though orgasm can occur as part of the power exchange activities (for example during a flogging).  Orgasm is often controlled by the dominant person and can be used as a reward for performing service or taking pain.  If you are going to include sexual activities, consider the context.  If you are not, consider when you will engage in sexual activities after the BDSM session. Single and partnered: Now you have done most of the pre-planning, the next step is planning. If you have decided to attend a public event, pick the event and get in contact with the organisers.  It’s useful to request a list of rules and expectations and check the prices.  Pick out the clothing you will wear.  Most events have a dress code and this usually requires fetish clothing or all black clothing.  No jeans allowed.  In the next podcast I will cover resources for finding events, clothing and accessories. If you are single: Consider how you will deal with approaches from people who want to play with you.  Do you want to just observe the first time you go to an event?  If you decide you will play if asked, do you want to limit your activities to the event?  If you are playing with someone, make sure to arrange a safeword.  This is a word that stops the action when it is said.  If this new person does not want to use a safe word – walk away.  Lots of people choose not to use safe words but this is usually when they know people reasonably well so that they can read each other.   It is important to consider if you will leave the party with someone you meet or not. If you are going to do so, please tell someone you know where you are going and have them make a safe call to you . A safe call is when you arrange for a friend to telephone you to make sure that you are safe.  You pick a phrase that will tell a friend that you are not safe and to call the police.  Make the phrase something that will sound normal in the course of a brief conversation.  For example, you could say ‘I am having a good time’ or ‘thanks for calling’.  Whatever you choose, make sure it isn’t something you are likely to say by accident if you are really excited and having a great time.  The last thing you need is the police showing up when nothing is wrong!    Make sure your phone is accessible and can be heard because if you don’t answer, your friend will send the police and there will be lots of embarrassing explaining.  You should arrange a safe call any time you are engaging in BDSM with someone you don’t know well.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time  to look after yourself. If you are partnered: Are you playing with anyone else?  What kind of scene do you want to engage in?  Will you bring any toys with you?  Talk about all of these things before heading to the event.  It is a good idea to have a safe word when you are a beginning player even if you are playing with a partner you know well because you haven’t engaged in this type of activity before you won’t necessarily be able to read them when it comes to BDSM.  Make sure you agree that you will leave when one of you wants to leave so that there is no argument during the evening.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time to look after yourself.  Building anticipation In the lead up to the event, you may find that anticipation is building.  This is great when the event itself is all you hoped it would be.  If the event turns out to be bad or a drag, it can be an even bigger let down because of the built up anticipation.  At those times, remind yourself that this isn’t the only time you will try something and that you learn from everything you try.  Then see if you can find the things that are positive you can pull from the experience. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 5 of this series when we will cover resources so you can connect with other players, find events, find clothing, accessories and erotica.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Please enjoy again: Sex Spoken Here: BDSM and Power Exchange   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange.  This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community.    If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them.  The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive. I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public.    But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories.  First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys.    Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black.   The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk.  Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur.  Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either.  Basic courtesy includes: Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene.  If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance.  That means don’t watch from 2 inches away.  I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy.  He was told very firmly to move away.  When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating.  Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world.  When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow.  Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm. No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone.  If someone says no, please respect it. Observe protocols.  Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols.  It is a means of demonstrating respect.  You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect. Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play.  This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene.  There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene.  Remember that after care is part of the scene. Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation.  Ask instead of assuming. Where to meet people online: There are lots of resources to meet people online.  Fetlife.com  is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange.  There are lots of different groups once you have joined.  You can join a group for events near your location to find out who might be close by.  You make a profile and people can search profiles in a number of ways, send emails and reach out to you via the groups you join. OK Cupid! has a large number of people who enjoy kink and BDSM.  You make a profile there in the same way you would on any other dating site. Facebook:  There are lots of BDSM and power exchange related Facebook groups.  Some are secret.  Others are just private.  Check group rules to see if looking to meet people is OK. Fester.com  is relatively new and apparently most folk are 30 or under. Collarspace.com  is mostly for hook ups.  Reviews are very mixed. BDSM.com is a space for talking about things as well as hooking up. Chained.org is site for meeting folks. Where to meet people offline besides events and parties: Going to a local munch is a great way to meet people in your area.  Munches are usually held monthly in a restaurant or pub.  People come dressed in normal clothing and are usually welcoming to newcomers. You can find munches listed on places like FetLife.com.  There are fetish markets in many cities.  London, UK has one every month.  There are lots of items for sale, usually short presentations and stage shows and lots of space to mingle and meet folk.  There is also usually a play party afterwards and the ticket prices are reasonable.    Finding toys and supplies: For bondage using rope: There are lots of online sites.  I recommend checking out https://www.twistedmonk.com This is the best site for different types of rope, rope care, how to videos etc. http://www.esinem-rope.com Excellent UK site for rope, tutorial DVDs. If you want to learn to make your own tools and toys: Check out the blogs on Kinkly.com For floggers, whips, restraints: http://www.detailstoys.com http://www.whipsbywolf.com/handmade-leather-floggers/ For gay men – hard core toys https://www.regulation-london.com Get recommendations from people you meet at events.  Of course you need not spend much money at all.  There are many ‘pervertables’ in most homes.  A pervertable is something that is ordinary that you can turn to a kinky purpose.  For example: Belts are extremely pervertable to use for a beating.  You can use wooden spoons (ouch!), spatulas.  Lots of things in the kitchen are pervertable. For restraints you can use ties, belts, scarves. For blindfolds – ties, scarves. It’s easy to go wild and spend a fortune on beautiful toys and restraints and then rarely use them.  I recommend starting with pervertables and then making the purchase of any tools or toys something that you do with lots of thought.  Pick out one or two special pieces.   Clothing Fetish clothing varies depending upon your interests and roles.  Leather can be used for a variety of things.  Some people love the feel, touch and smell of leather.  There is also the leather lifestyle.  People who identify as part of the leather lifestyle are engaged in power exchange relationships (often Master/slave or Mistress/slave) and follow certain codes.  Most codes include honor, honesty, respect) and most observe a variety of rituals.  Leather for these people is not only sexy and hot but is earned and a means of recognising service.    Some people like the feel of rubber or latex.   For latex clothing: http://www.houseofharlot.com https://www.pandoradeluxe.com https://www.atsukokudo.com/Home/ For leather: http://www.fetishwear.com/Welcome.htm http://www.leatheraddicts.com https://www.mr-s-leather.com Good informational sites Jack Rinella’s Leather Views – leatherviews.com  Jack Rinella is a free lance author and leather man.  He has written a number of well respected books on various aspects of leather and BDSM. Race Bannon’s site : bannon.com Race Bannon along with Guy Baldwin, MS co-founded Kink Aware Professionals which is a list of helping professionals and legal professionals who are kink aware.  He has spoken at over 400 events, is a founder and board member of a number of leather associations. National Coalition for Sexual Freedom http://ncsfreedom.org Planet Midori http://www.planetmidori.com  She is a most amazing person and author who has expertise in bondage and power exchange. Society of Janus is San Francisco based and is an organisation that offers BDSM education and support. https://soj.org Carter Johnson Leather Library http://leatherlibrary.org  An amazing collection of leather history, reading materials covering kink, BDSM, LGBTQ. Leather Archives and Museum  Incredible collection also ‘dedicated to compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather, kink and fetish lifestyles.’ http://www.leatherarchives.org http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html They keep listings for BDSM and power exchange groups Exploration is designed to be fun.  It is more likely to be so if you remember some basic rules.  Keep yourself safe  New things are really exciting and this stuff can be even more exciting than most new things.  Don’t let the excitement make you forget our basic safety rules.  If you have just met someone online, don’t give them too much personal information.    If you are arranging to meet for the first time, do it in a public place and let people know where you are going.    If you feel something is off, trust your gut and leave.    Don’t talk yourself out of trusting your gut because you think you need to give people second chances.    Don’t meet people at your home and don’t go to their home alone until you are sure that they are safe.  Avoid taking recreational drugs.  Making clear choices is important when you are playing in areas that are risky.  Keep your head clear so you will make good choices.  Limit your alcohol consumption for the same reason.  I choose not to drink and play and I prefer to play with people who are sober. Pace yourself.  Don’t try to do everything at once.  Take your time and savour the experience.  Give yourself the space to process your experience afterwards and make sure you have support for when you need it. Remember your social skills.  Use your best social skills – be polite, friendly, listen lots.  Sometimes people get so excited they forget! Understand consent and apply it properly.    Don’t touch anyone without getting consent first.  This includes spontaneous hugs, putting your hand on someone’s shoulder.   Understand that people in this world can have different protocols.  Some are very strict.  Don’t assume that everyone will engage with you.  Some people may not be free to do so.  Don’t speak to someone else’s partner without checking first.  If you can’t check and you don’t get a response, don’t assume the person is being rude.  They may not be allowed to talk with anyone.  Think of it like meeting a monk or nun who is under a vow of silence. Take the time to learn how to do things properly.  Many activities that you will engage in if you are exploring BDSM and power exchange will involve an increased level of risk.  If you don’t learn how to do things properly, you have a high risk of injuring yourself or someone else.    There are two acronyms regularly used by people who engage in BDSM to describe risk.  The first is Safe, Sane and Consensual.  People who work to this protocol do things in the safest way possible, they don’t take short-cuts and highlight consent.  The second is Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  These folks highlight the fact that all activities have risk and that you must be aware of the risk level of things you are choosing to engage in.  They also highlight consent. Finally, maximise enjoyment.  Do everything you can to raise the probability that you will have a brilliant time. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  Join me next week when I will be starting a series on sex toys.

    Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.      This week I am interviewing Mason deRou.  Master Mason deRou is a primal Master who began his walk into the public kink scene in 2009.  He has dominion over Miss Kimi deRou and together they form La Maison deRou.  Mason is also the commander of La Meute de Rougaroux (the Rougarou Pack).  He is a uniform fetishist, pony trainer, erotic photographer and also loves the littles.  Mason leverages his relative y9outh to build bridges among several kinky tribes and subcultures, allowing the voices of both past and current generations of kinksters to be heard.  Mason has presented at BESS, Black Rose, CLUE, Weekend Reunion and several MaST chapters.  Mason is the president of the Master-Dominant Consortium and is one of the founding members of the Leather Houses of Color Coalition.  He is a member of MAsT DC Pan and MAsT Washington and is also an alumnus of the MTTA Academy (Master Training XX).  Mason resides in southern Maryland.       Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.

I'm sorry for the mix up, here is Mama Vi part 1:       Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.      I had the privilege of interviewing Mama Vi Johnson when I was at Master slave Conference in August 2018.  Viola Johnson is a leather woman, vampire and author who has been active in the leather BDSM scene for over three decades. A mentor and confidante to many in the fetish world, she has a special fondness for the ‘boys’ of our community, and those who choose to serve as slaves and sub missives. Viola is the wife of Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996. Viola had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year. In August of 2007 she was honored with the first Lifetime Achievement Award given by Black Beat. Viola is also the recipient of the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award, The Jack Stice Award and the Slave Heart Award. In January 2012, Viola received within 8 days of the Master Steve’s Golden Paintbrush Awards at Southwest Leather Conference in Arizona and the Leather Leadership Award at the Creating Change Conference in Baltimore sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Task Force. Viola is the author of two books, Dhampir and To Love, To Obey, To Serve. Currently, she is working on her third book, a follow up To Love, To Obey, To Serve Mama Vi and her wife Jill Carter started and hosted the Carter Johnson Leather library.  It has a home in Indiana and a variety of outposts.  Sections of the library are taken to many events so that the public can learn from the original source material about our leather and sexual history.   I started by asking Mama Vi about her fears for the future.  She began by talking from an historian’s perspective about what it means when people cannot read cursive and when books are scanned and the paper versions are being destroyed.    We spoke about the fact that recordings can be altered.  So that facts can be changed, nuance lost, meanings lost.  She points out that if a child can’t read cursive they must accept as fact what is shown to them.    We moved on to talk about the fact that often people feel desires and attractions often before they have words to explain them.  So they feel odd and outcast and strange and if you don’t have the words – and give them the words – the negative impact is incredible.  Low self-esteem, outcast, separate, others.  Mama Vi talks about being filled with the family stories as she was growing up which helped her to know who she was and because she knew who she was, she had pride and she had the foundation that has lasted until this day.    We spoke about the fact that we are not teaching our next generation who they are so they can have this foundation.  She points out that why are not giving our children the armour that they need.    There are retorts to all of the taunts (faggot, lesbian, pervert) but we are not teaching our children and so not giving them that armour and the world is getting tougher.   The passion that is the reasoning behind the library – is to give them the armour – ‘You don’t get to burn my kids history because ultimately that will mean you burn my kids.’   We ended part 1 starting to talk about sex education and the fact that in many places it has gone backwards.  Children are being taught that all they need to know is abstinence.  For part 2 of this interview, listen to the A to Z of Sex Ò B is for Book Burning. Part 3 is on Sex Spoken Here as an audio podcast only. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.  Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.  I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Politics trigger warning:  In this episode, we talk about politics – a lot.   I had the privilege of interviewing Mama Vi Johnson when I was at Master slave Conference in August 2018.  Viola Johnson is a leather woman, vampire and author who has been active in the leather BDSM scene for over three decades. A mentor and confidante to many in the fetish world, she has a special fondness for the ‘boys’ of our community, and those who choose to serve as slaves and sub missives. Viola is the wife of Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996. Viola had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year. In August of 2007 she was honored with the first Lifetime Achievement Award given by Black Beat. Viola is also the recipient of the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award, The Jack Stice Award and the Slave Heart Award. In January 2012, Viola received within 8 days of the Master Steve’s Golden Paintbrush Awards at Southwest Leather Conference in Arizona and the Leather Leadership Award at the Creating Change Conference in Baltimore sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Task Force. Viola is the author of two books, Dhampir and To Love, To Obey, To Serve. Currently, she is working on her third book, a follow up To Love, To Obey, To Serve Mama Vi and her wife Jill Carter started and host the Carter Johnson Leather library.  It has a home in Indiana and a variety of outposts.  Sections of the library are taken to many events so that the public can learn from the original source material about our leather and sexual history.   This is part 3 and the final part of my interview.  Part one can be found on last week’s Sex Spoken Here episode – vlog on YouTube and podcast only where ever you get your podcasts.  Part 2 podcast can be found on the A to Z of Sex Ò where ever you get your podcasts or on my websites (links on the notes).   We started by talking about how the political situation has moved to where we are now.  Mama Vi points out ‘Evil manifests where good loves to hide’.  We talk about being at an event where people come to learn and that over the years they have learned to feel safe and take the safety back into the world because they have pride in who they are.  We have to stand up and be counted, be seen, do what is necessary and speak out to protect our communities, our lives, our history as if we don’t do this we won’t have a future.    We spoke about whether people can follow through.  Mama Vi said she looks at the little triumphs – like someone grabbing a transgender boy and saying, come on, I’ll take you into the bathroom. … It’s easy to give a dime to a beggar – far more difficult to help them take the steps that will help them get themselves together.’   We spoke about the fact that the more of us who are speaking our truth, the harder it is to erase us.   Viola went on to talk about Texas Bill Number 6 – which was the right to nullify any agreement between legal strangers.  This has impact because if you are not married, you are a legal stranger.  We moved on to how inaction/laziness/arrogance by not voting led to Brexit.   We finished with concerns about the future of democracy in America because of the lack of trust in the system of elections.  And this brought us full circle – with Maryland wanting to go back to paper ballot so that there is a back up check. The original source material being so important.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page.  Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.  I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I'm Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don't have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is B and B is for Book Burning – Part 2 of my Interview with Mama Viola Johnson.  Part one is on Sex Spoken Here vlog on YouTube or there is the podcast only version as well.   I had the privilege of interviewing Mama Vi Johnson when I was at Master slave Conference in August 2018.  Viola Johnson is a leather woman, vampire and author who has been active in the leather BDSM scene for over three decades. A mentor and confidante to many in the fetish world, she has a special fondness for the ‘boys' of our community, and those who choose to serve as slaves and sub missives. Viola is the wife of Jill Carter, International Ms Leather 1996. Viola had the distinction of winning the “Lifetime Achievement Award” from Pantheon of Leather and The National Leather Association, making her the only person to receive both awards in the same year. In August of 2007 she was honored with the first Lifetime Achievement Award given by Black Beat. Viola is also the recipient of the Pantheon of Leather “Woman of the Year” award, The Jack Stice Award and the Slave Heart Award. In January 2012, Viola received within 8 days of the Master Steve's Golden Paintbrush Awards at Southwest Leather Conference in Arizona and the Leather Leadership Award at the Creating Change Conference in Baltimore sponsored by the Gay & Lesbian Task Force. Viola is the author of two books, Dhampir and To Love, To Obey, To Serve. Currently, she is working on her third book, a follow up To Love, To Obey, To Serve Mama Vi and her wife Jill Carter started and hosted the Carter Johnson Leather library.  It has a home in Indiana and a variety of outposts.  Sections of the library are taken to many events so that the public can learn from the original source material about our leather and sexual history.   We started this part of the interview asking what is going to happen if people are not taught to think critically.  Viola talks about starting her teaching career in 1973 at the cusp of moving from teaching learning and teaching to the test.  This was the point at which the received wisdom was that children must be promoted with chronological peer group rather than accommodating learning abilities.    We move from education to talk about the fact that if you can't evaluate information you can't risk assess and if you can't risk assess you make poor choices.  We talk about the fact that people are pre-disposed to categorise but we can learn to look at a continuum if we are taught to do so.  We talk about the first four years of life and the fact that sexual development starts at birth.  We talk about the development that occurs in childhood. If we don't support this development, difficulties develop. It is easy to support this development but we don't talk about it.    We moved to preventing shame and why this is important.   We move to talking about fears around fascism in America.  We end on my question ‘Why aren't people doing something about this?' Thanks for listening to the A to Z of Sex Ò this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drloribeth@atozofsex.com  and I will answer on the show. Follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori  Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! See you next week when the letter will be c.

Master Black Zeus Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. This is part 2 of my interview with Master Black Zeus.  Part one can be found on the A to Z of Sex podcast, Z is for Black Zeus. I had the opportunity interview Master Black Zeus during Master Slave Conference 2018.  He is a community elder who entered the leather community in 1986 when he was mentored and introduced into the community by a gay leatherman who he rode motorcycles with.  Like many who engage in BDSM and/or are part of the leather community, he began his journey anonymously so as not to cause problems in his daily life.  He entered the public scene in 1997 by joining Black Rose and attending a number of classes and events.   He developed a website and began to host regular online educational events.  He is a member of MAsT Las Vegas and hosts the ISA Network video conferences.   We continued our conversation by talking about the differences between D/s and M/s relationships.   He talks about teaching power exchange (PE) versus total power exchange (TPE) and also talks about erotic power exchange which is solely for the erotic potential of the exchange.   We spoke about the models coming into BDSM, kink and leather.  We spoke about the fact that lots of things get eroticised because of the authority transfer.    So that some service activities become erotic because they are part of the service.     Master Black Zeus says that it is important to talk about more than kink when talking BDSM and that we are talking about relationship building.  He talked about the fact that there was a big thing made in his local community when they found out that he played with men.   He went on to say that being a dominant and a sadist, he can enjoy playing with people of all genders.   I point out that often times sexual orientation doesn’t enter into this because it is all about the dominance and submission, about the sadism and masochism and that means you can play with someone who is not of your usual preferred orientation or gender.   The conversation turned round to respect, relationships, consent and HIV.  We talked about sexual health and the importance of knowing about your sexual health status.  We spoke about the illusion that PREP means there is no epidemic anymore.  We spoke about all the other diseases that are around and how important regular sexual health screening is.    We finished by talking about what is important if you are going to engage in a BDSM lifestyle.   We talked about the fact that we all make mistakes and apologising and learning from mistakes is essential.  No one is perfect.    Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week  

Z is for Master Black Zeus Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I'm Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don't have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is Z and Z is for Master Black Zeus.   I had the opportunity interview Master Black Zeus during Master Slave Conference 2018.  He is a community elder who entered the leather community in 1986 when he was mentored and introduced into the community by a gay leatherman who he rode motorcycles with.  Like many who engage in BDSM and/or are part of the leather community, he began his journey anonymously so as not to cause problems in his daily life.  He entered the public scene in 1997 by joining Black Rose and attending a number of classes and events.   He developed a website and began to host regular online educational events.  He is a member of MAsT Las Vegas and hosts the ISA Network video conferences.   We started by talking about his entry into the leather community.  He spoke about being the lone heterosexual black male in places he went to and not really meeting any other people of colour until 1996.    He talked about being mentored by dominant women of colour.  He spoke about learning from Lady Z by watching and then experiencing by doing.  He spoke of learning from Mistress Max Rulz and then coming into Black Beat which was one of the first conferences that was for people of colour.  He spoke about Goddess Lakshimi, Lady D and Mama Vi and Mistress Mir.  He said that ‘These ladies were instrumental in my learning'.    We spoke about the change in the number of people of colour attending events now.   We moved on to talking about authority transfer based relationships, BDSM, kink and looking at the history of leather which comes out of the gay community.    We spoke about consent being for dominant and submissive.  Consent for both sides. We spoke about establishing exit criteria at the beginning of a relationship so that people are comfortable with the transition.      We continued by talking about the content of Dominant/submissive (D/s) and Master/slave (M/s) relationships. Part two of this interview is on Sex Spoken Here vlog (YouTube) and podcast.   Master Black Zeus can be found at blackzeus.net   Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drloribeth@atozofsex.com  and I will answer on the show. Follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! See you next week when the letter will be A.

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.       Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There. After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.   Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.   We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.    We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.   To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.  Check out these links as well: Blog: Why I started a blog about sex Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week  

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.       Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There. After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.   Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.   We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.    We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.   To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.  Check out these links as well: Blog: Why I started a blog about sex Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week  

Sex Spoken Here Pam Costa   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am on location, in NJ, in my childhood bedroom, and we are talking about what happens when you discover that you and your partner have mismatched levels of desire.  It is often not easy to spot this at the beginning of a relationship because of the excitement and energy that new relationships bring.  Once you are in a long term relationship, the mismatch becomes apparent and that is when the difficulties begin.       Joining me to discuss this topic is Pam Costa founder of Down to There. After a decade-and-a-half at Apple and Facebook, Pam left her career in high tech to found Down To There to share her real-life stories of challenges and successes around sexuality in her marriage. Through her writing, speaking and coaching, she hopes to inspire individuals and couples to find ways to renew and deepen desire and intimacy in their own relationships.   Pam is also passionate about raising awareness within the medical and mental health communities about the positive impact of peer support on female sexual health, recently presenting her research on this topic at the 2018 International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health conference and TEDx Palo Alto.   We talked about how important your history can be, the messages you received in childhood about sex, to determining your current adult view about sex. We talked about how many people have issues with sexual desire and that often there is nothing physically wrong.  Pam talked of being someone who often couldn’t tell if she wanted to have sex until she was already involved.  There are many people whose libido is response driven.  It means that more conversations have to occur.  We talked about being disconnected from your body and she said she asks her clients if they feel like ‘floating heads’.    We spoke about the importance of good judgmenet free sex education for all and the importance of peer support as well as coaching and therapy.    We talked of using multiple mediums to learn and for support. We spoke about how men’s genitals are obvious and so there is an additional cue to having sexual desire and feelings and women having the clitoris hidden can find it more difficult to connect to their bodies.  We spoke about masturbation and learning about desire.   To find Pam, head to downtothere.com.  Check out these links as well: Blog: Why I started a blog about sex Circles: Free content for women to talk to their friends about sex TEDx Talk: Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week

Sex Spoken Here Is Polyamory for You   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. polyamory and non-monogamy have become incredibly trendy in the last few years.  One of the main reasons people give for non-monogamy is how hard it is for one person to meet all of your needs.     People who are monogamous and have strong friendship networks as well know this as well.  They look to their friendship networks and their families to meet needs that their partners do not meet.  However, the myth that your partner should be your everything still persists.  Many people end up in relationship therapy or ending their relationships because their partner does not meet all their needs.    The idea that I am responsible for my own needs is one that is only just really gaining popularity.  It is hard to take responsibility for your own needs.  It requires the ability to first to distinguish between needs and wants.   Then it requires the ability to acknowledge your needs and accept them.   Finally it requires the person to take responsibility for getting their needs met – with the understanding that prioritising can become very difficult when trying to balance needs.    In non-monogamous relationships, multiple partners, friends and families meet needs.  Having more people who are committed to you available to help meet your needs is a big bonus.  And it adds lots of complication as there are more people whose needs must be met and balanced, juggled and prioritised.   How do you know if polyamory is for you?   Do you love emotionally intimate relationships?  Do you find yourself falling in love with more than one person at a time?  If so, then polyamory might well be a good fit for you.    Have you had difficulty remaining faithful in monogamous relationships? This can be an indication that non-monogamy would be a better choice for you.  However, this depends on why you had difficulty remaining faithful.   Affairs are possible in polyamorous relationships.  Whenever someone is dishonest and secretive about other relationships it is a problem.  If you break the rules of your non-monogamous relationship, that is an affair.  If your difficulty in remaining faithful is because you fall in love often or feel you have more love to share, then non-monogamy may well work.  If it is because you find it hard to commit or you tend to be impulsive or you find honest communication difficult, then it is not going to work any better than non-monogamy and in fact may even be worse for you.   Do you like to share your life with more than one person?  If so, non-monogamy may well be ideal.   Are you an expert communicator (or willing to learn), happy to negotiate to get your needs met? Good communication is essential to all relationships.  Great communication is vital to polyamorous relationships.  All non-monogamy takes far more communication than monogamous relationships.  This probably seems obvious  - more people = more communication.    Metacommunication is necessary as well.  As I have said previously, metacommunication is when we talk about how we communicate and what we communicate, how often we communicate.  It creates the structure around the rest of our communication, the rules for communication.    Are you possessive? If so, polyamory may be problematic for you.  Possessiveness makes polyamory very hard.  Some people still manage to be polyamorous and possessive.  These people tend to form closed group relationships or engage in authority transfer based relationships where they are the owners and the others they are in relationship with are the property.  If you don’t gravitate towards that type of relationship dynamic and you cannot find a closed group, then possessiveness with simply get in your way.   Are you good at dealing with your own feelings? All of us get jealous but can you get past your jealousy without requiring your partner to change their behaviour?  If you cannot, then polyamory may well be hard for you.  Learning to manage jealousy is a skill.    If you are willing to examine your own feelings and learn how to deal with them, then you will be able to create polyamorous relationships that will work.  If you rely on others to change in order to feel better, you will benefit from some help changing this.  Relying on others to change gives them control over how you feel.  This is never ideal.    Learning to soothe yourself, to manage negative feelings and process them until they are neutral or even positive are fantastic skills that will serve you well in all of your relationships.   Do you have a high sex drive?  If you have a high sex drive, non-monogamy may really fit you well.  It is one way to make sure that your sexual needs get met.   Differences in levels of desire is a common issue that people in monogamous relationships come to therapy with.  These differences can place a large strain on relationships, leaving the person with the high drive always feeling deprived and the person with the low drive always feeling pressured.  Non-monogamy allows for these needs to be spread across relationships, taking the pressure off.  Of course, this doesn’t always work fully.  It isn’t magic.  There are times where no one matches up well.  You want something and none of your partners is able or willing to provide it.  But you have more chance of regularly having your needs met when there are more possible ways to meet them.   Do you find people of multiple genders attractive and do you feel upset in monogamous relationships because of what you have to give up?  Polyamorous relationship styles can take away that fear of missing out (FOMO) feeling because you have the freedom to have multiple relationships with people of all genders.   Polyamorous relationships are often not couple focused.  There are many relationships where there is a single in multiple relationships or a triad in a relationship with each other or a quad in a relationship with each other.    If communal living appeals to you, then polyamory may well be a great fit.   If you are thinking about opening up a monogamous relationship, you need to consider some additional questions: What type of non-monogamy are you considering? Are you looking to become a sexually open relationship but not to have any other emotional commitments?  If you are looking to be polyamorous (have full romantic relationships (sexual and emotional) with others): Are you going to be hierarchical and have your relationship be the primary relationship?  If so, what rules will you have for your secondary relationships? Some rules could include: No living together. Primary relationships take precedence for most major holidays. Social media posting for primary and secondary relationships. Children will not be raised outside of the primary relationship. Finances will be mingled with primary relationship only.   If you are going to become a secondary in a polyamorous relationship, consider how you will feel knowing that you won’t be living with this partner no matter how serious things become or that you won’t be spending Christmas and New Years with this partner or that if you have a crisis, your partner may not be available to you.   Some people suggest that someone who is entering an already existing relationship create a set of rules.  I prefer to suggest that all parties discuss expectations and responsibilities.  As part of this, I also suggest negotiating how these get changed over time.    The couple needs to be clear about their expectations from the beginning.  For example, if a third (fourth, fifth) person will never live with the couple or will never become a full time relationship, that needs to be clear at the beginning.   Would you consider living with two partners?  If so, would you want each person to have their own space? These are things to consider before formally opening up a relationship. The more areas and issues you talk through, in my experience the better the outcome.   All relationships require some on going work.  Be prepared to spend a lot of time at the beginning designing the structure of the relationships and also to spend on going time to keep thigns going well and to modify things as life throws changes at you.    Listening skills are essential and being present is the first step in listening well.  You will find an exercise on this in the workbook this week.    If you are someone who needs everything to have a place and to put everything in it’s place, you may find polyamory difficult.  Relationships are extremely individual and much as you might like to fit a relationship into a particular box (casual sex partner, person I will have children with etc), often it is impossible.  If you are willing to allow relationships to define themselves, to take shape over time, you will have a much easier time and are likely to have longer lasting, more robust relationships.   Polyamory won’t solve existing relationship problems as I said last week.  Before opening up a relationship, take emotional inventory and consider your reasons for doing so.  Be rigorous as you do this and you are less likely to have a hidden agenda that is unlikely to to be met.   If you are someone who needs things to be equal and looks to make sure that they get what other people get in life, you are likely to find non-monogamy difficult.  Counting is the death knell in polyamory.   Equal is 50%.  Fair is something different.  Equal is a mathematical concept.  Fair is subjective and open to interpretation.  ‘They got a holiday with you so I need a holiday with you’ doesn’t work well in polyamorous relationships.  Negotiations should be about your own relationship, not in comparison to another relationship.   If you are looking at joining an existing relationship, have a look at the relationship you are looking to join.  Is it in good shape?  Are they happy?  Do they have effective ways to manage upset, conflict, disagreements?   If they don’t, take stock before you enter into relationship with them or even enter into relationship with one of them.   Summarising: To figure out if polyamory is for you: Know your needs Understand the things that cause you to feel insecure Check out your communication skills Understand your desire to share with more than one person (or not) Look at how much sex drive you have Is FOMO something for you? Is adventure and variety something for you?   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week  

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Rewards and Punishments   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this Vlog deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am talking about rewards and punishments.  This may seem an unusual topic for sex and relationships.  However, I was talking about authority transfer based relationships recently with a friend about rewards and punishments and when I thought more about it, the topic applies to other relationships as well.   Rewards are the things that feel good to us.  Punishments are the things that don’t feel good to us.  If you want to shape behaviour, using both can work extremely well.  One thing I have noticed working with people over the years is that often others make assumptions about what their partner or child will find rewarding or punishing.  If you get this wrong, you will not get the effect you are looking for.   Often parents send children to their room as a punishment.  However, usually, in a child’s room is all their favourite things – laptop, tablet, phone, toys, stuffed toys, etc.  So being sent to their room is actually a reward as they are being given time to go play on their own.   I advise couples to discuss what they find rewarding and punishing.  For example, one partner might find time and undivided attention to be the best way of showing them how much they are loved.  Another might want lots of presents.      I also advise couples to look at their expectations at the same time.  Making agreements about expectations, rewards and punishments can strengthen a relationship.   In authority transfer based relationships, spelling out rewards and punishments is common.  Again it is important to make sure that a punishment is truly a punishment and a reward truly a reward.   It is useful too look at what type of system works best for your person.  Some people modify behaviour best as a result of being rewarded when they do well.  Others work best when they are punished for doing wrong.    It is important to remember that we can only truly control ourselves so truly to modify someone else’s behaviour does not have guaranteed results.  It is also essential to have consent from the person whose behaviour you are seeking to modify.   If you are interested in the history of behaviour modification, have a look at Pavlov’s work and BF Skinner’s work. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter and instagram @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and head to the contact page and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week.

Sex Spoken Here Vlog Intro   Hi everyone.  This week begins the first Sex Spoken Here Vlog. From now on, a video will be published on YouTube here, the audio will remain available as a podcast through Apple podcast, Stitcher, Libsyn etc and published on my website.    Podcast notes will be on my website and Libsyn etc.    I will be on my own some, joined by some amazing guests and sometimes out and about. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel to keep up to date!   Thanks for listening to Sex Spoken Here and I look forward to presenting things for you to watch and seeing you soon.

Please enjoy again: Care and Feeding of the Penis Part 2 Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I finish my series about the care and feeding of the penis.  Joining me today is Dr Pat Williams. Dr. Pat has been a psychologist and Life coach for over three decades and focuses on people living on purpose, mentally, emotionally, and physically and spiritually.   Patrick Williams, Ed.D., MCC, is founder of The Institute for Life Coach Training, the first-of-its-kind training institute that specializes in training psychotherapists, psychologists, counsellors and helping professionals in building a successful coaching practice. He was licensed as a psychologist in 1980 and began executive coaching in 1990 with Hewlett Packard, IBM and Kodak. He was an International Coach Federation founding member and one of the first Master Certified Coaches. Dr Pat is a past ICF board member and past president of ACTO, (Association of Coach Training Organizations) and honorary VP of the International Society for Coaching Psychology Pat’s graduate education is in Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology.   He co-authored Therapist as Life Coach: Transforming Your Practice and Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills, and Techniques to Enhance your Practice and Your life.  His best-selling book (with Diane Menendez), is Becoming a Professional Life Coach: Lessons from the Institute for Life Coach Training.    Pat also co-edited Law and Ethics of Coaching used at many academic institutions and training schools. His newest book,  Getting Naked: On Emotional Transparency at the Right Time, the Right Place and with the Right Person is available on Amazon and audiobooks.   We spent most of our time talking about how important it is to be authentic with a partner and to show up authentically.  Dr Pat spoke about the importance of being able to be naked emotionally with a partner before, during and after sex and we talked about how hard it is for men to be emotionally naked.    Dr Pat suggested that the millennials find sharing emotions easier and I agreed but said that we have not yet made as much progress as I had hoped.  Dr Pat suggested that there should be a broadway show ‘The Penis Monologues’ to compliment the Vagina Monologues and I agreed that this would be a brilliant idea.    We both agreed that men and women still find it hard to create that safe space where they can explore their emotions, work through difficult issues and bring their full selves – warts and all.   Dr Pat spoke about how many couples would have longer lasting relationships if they learned to express their full selves and how to work with the ups and downs in relationships.  We spoke about how men are not often taught how to deal with the different issues that arise at different stages of life.  I briefly mentioned the changes men go through physically and emotionally as they get older.  We then talked about how important touch is for all human beings.  Dr Pat highlighted that people are meant to be in relationship to each other.  I agreed and pointed out that people need to learn themselves first and he highlighted that people also learn themselves in relationships.   You can find Dr Pat at: Website: http://drpatwilliams.com Free gift for listeners: www.drpatwilliams.com/winner Facebook: http://facebook.com/doccoach Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drpatwilliams/ Twitter: @drpatcoach He is also an expert on Yourtango.com and has a channel on the BonBonNetwork. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now! Join me next week when we will start talking about sexless relationships.

Please enjoy again:   Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 3   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am continuing my series about gender.   Joining me today to continue the discussion is Dr Meg-John Barker. They are a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History.   We started by talking about language and definitions.  Meg-John highlighted that non-binary is the overarching term used now for anyone who doesn’t identify as male or female.  We spoke about how many other terms there are that fall under non-binary including but not limited to: gender queer, gender fluid, demi (boy, girl), trans.  We spoke about how hard it is for people to understand the gender journey and how important it is for everyone to look at this journey as even folks who are happy with the gender assigned at birth go through gender changes throughout the life span.  Meg-John used the example of a woman going on the pill which is taking hormones and a woman who has had breast cancer and her breasts removed as a result having to look at how she expresses her female gender.  They also mentioned men who have larger boobs and choose to do breast reduction or men who take steroids to do body building.   Gender does not stay static through the life span.   We spoke about how hard people find ambivalence and uncertainty and how badly people want to categorise and box people, places and things.  We talked about how much pressure there can be for trans people to make the decision to transition and then do it quickly and that this is unhelpful.  We both feel this comes from the difficulty people have with uncertainty and ambivalence in part.   We talked about how gender is not just socially influenced but that it is biologically influenced as well and that sex is not just biological but can and is socially influenced.    We spoke about Meg-John’s book coming out in the autumn which is about how to figure out issues around your gender.  We noted that having a gender identification outside of male or female seems to upset people more than issues around sexuality, kink and polyamory versus monogamy.   You can find Dr Meg-John Barker at: Website: www.rewriting-the-rules.com. Twitter: @megjohnbarker. All of their books are available on the website.  Check out their podcast: Meg-John and Justin Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.      

Please enjoy again: Sex Spoken Here:  Choosing the Right Sex Toy     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about choosing the right sex toy.   Joining me today, is Katy, the public relations director and resident sexologist at Adam and Eve.   Katy is a native of Tennessee (Go Vols!) and a graduate of the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, with a B.S. in Journalism and Public Relations. After working for Maytag and in publishing in New York, she started working at Adam & Eve in November of 1993 as a catalog copywriter (remember catalogs?!). In 1997, Katy was promoted to Adam & Eve Director of Public Relations. She received her certification in Clinical Sexology in 2017 and holds an Associate in Sex Education from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is currently working towards her AASECT certification as a Sex Educator. Personal: Divorced mother of two teen girls. Lives a block from ex and we still have weekly family dinners and even vacation together. Pescaterian (Mostly vegetarian but occasionally eats fish). Loves dogs, monkeys, travel and red wine.   We spoke about choosing a sex toy. We started by talking about the different types of toys available for women from clitoral stimulators to vibrators.  We talked about the toys available to men from masturbators to prostate stimulators and those for couples as well.  Cutting edge toys include Bluetooth controlled toys and prostate vibrators.  Katy said they have experienced an upsurge in sales for prostate stimulators and we both agreed that now there are a number of these toys marketed for heterosexual men.  We spoke about the increase in heterosexual men willing to consider prostate stimulation.   We spoke about how toys might develop and what virtual reality toys are coming.  All of the current ones are meant for one person to be having sex with a virtual character.  I asked about the possibility of ones where people could have sex with each other in the virtual sphere.  Katy raised the ethical issues that might come as a result of that including issues around cheating and underage use.  I suggested that raising ethical issues is a good idea as it gets people to think through their sexual and relationship choices.   We spoke about how sex toys have helped many women to reach orgasm who had not been able to without a toy and how they can help around menopause and after so that people can continue a healthy sexual life into their mature years.    I asked for a recommendation of a first toy and Katy said for women she would recommend a bullet vibrator or a pocket rocket.  For men, a masturbator.  She recommended that people try some less expensive toys out to figure out what works best for them.    Katy has graciously offered us a code ‘SPOKEN’ to use to get 50% off any one item at https://www.adamandeve.com.  So go and grab that must have toy now!   Check these links: Https://www.adameve.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/adamandeve   Twitter https://twitter.com/adamandeve Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Sex Spoken Here: What is the Difference Between BDSM and Abuse   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about the difference between BDSM and Abuse.   The difference between BDSM and an abuse or an abusive relationship in a word: CONSENT.  Everything done in a BDSM relationship is done with the consent of all parties.    The consent must be clear and unambiguous and not be as the result of pressure.  The parties need to be able to give consent.    If these conditions are met, then there is nothing abusive about even the most extreme BDSM relationships.   Abuse can be the result of coercion.   It can also be straight forward.  The dividing line is consent.    What does consent look like?  Consent comes as the result of a discussion that talks about hard limits (things you absolutely won’t do) and soft limits (things you don’t think you are interested in or you don’t think you will do but this may change) and things you would like to do.    Agreements are made about limits: activities that are on the ‘yes’ list, activities that are on the ‘maybe’ list, activities on the ‘hell no’ list.  Agreements are made about how we will communicate in the middle of rough sex or a BDSM scene or even an ordinary situation in the world that something is a problem, or ‘stop right now’, or ‘I am enjoying myself.’  For ‘Stop right now’ we often have safe words or gestures.  These are things that cannot be misinterpreted and that will tell the person who is the active partner/top/dominant that a hard limit is being approached or has been reached.    Ethical dominants know that negotiating to push a limit in the middle of a scene is not appropriate as a person cannot give consent in the middle of a scene (because of the power imbalance, because of their mental state – high on the scene).    Even in relationships in which there is a 24/7 authority transfer, there are discussions about limits and consent and importantly how to withdraw consent.  There is a lot of erotica out there that talks about ‘no limits’ relationships and ones in which withdrawal of consent is not allowed.  The premise is that once someone becomes a slave, they no longer have the authority to leave the relationship.    In real life, breakdown of the relationship and how to exit is something that is discussed as part of an extended negotiation when someone is considering a 24/7 authority transfer relationship.    Some people have a ritual involved (the slave has to beg for release) others do not.  In non-abusive relationships, the parameters of the relationship including limits and exiting the relationship are discussed before relationship properly begins and often a written document is made detailing rules, responsibilities and agreements as well as what happens in the event of a break up.   In some ethical 24/7 relationships, the slave or submissive is not allowed to say no to any particular activities however they are given space to say why they would wish to say no and their feelings and reasons are considered by their Master, Ma’am, Sir or Dominant.    If there is no space to express an opinion ever, it is likely the relationship is abusive.   There may be an acceptable format for expressing an opinion or a ritual for expressing an opinion.   As long as it is possible for the parties to raise their feelings, views and concerns, the relationship is likely to be non-abusive.     Many people are misled by abusive people telling them that ‘true slaves’ or ‘true submissives’ don’t have limits.   These abusive people pressure their desired prey to give up all control before they know much about the person they are giving control up to.  Many groom online and after a long acquaintance online lull the other person into a false sense of security.  No real life tests of the dominant’s identity and situation have been undertaken and yet there is trust.  In these situations, it is easy for people to fall prey to abuse.  They have invested a lot emotionally in the relationship and don’t want to lose it so they often will relent and say yes to things that they are truly not happy to consent to.    As abusive partners do in more ordinary relationships, abusive partners isolate their ultimate victims.  They make it difficult for the person to talk to family and friends – often saying that family or friends would not understand their special relationship.  After a while, the victim feels as though the only person they have in their life is the abuser.    This can happen in non-monogamous relationships as well.  An abuser can work hard to see everything is kept within the family and the whole family can become isolated.    Abusive partners apply pressure in the form of threats to leave and more subtly through comparisons so the victim fears losing the abuser.  Abusive partners actively seek to denigrate and diminish their partners’ so that they lose self-esteem and confidence.  Ethical dominants seek to support their partners to be the best they can be.  After all, when a person is shining and others see it, they reflect well on those who have them in their care.   If you find yourself shrinking back at my last statement, think about parents and children.  When a child accomplishes something or is well mannered, often parents are complimented as it is assumed that some of the reason the child is this way is to do with the environment of their upbringing.  If you feel pride in your child why would you shrink from feeling pride in a partner’s accomplishments?    The difference between BDSM relationships and abusive ones can sometimes feel hard to unpick as there are abusive BDSM relationships as well as ones that are really healthy.    Here are a few of my guidelines for making the distinction between abuse and healthy: If you feel worse about yourself since you have become involved with them, then the relationship may be abusive. If they consistently ignore your limits even though you have negotiated these, then the relationship may be abusive. If they regularly try to renegotiate when you are tired, in an altered state of consciousness for whatever reason (drugs, alcohol, illness, subspace, tired, stressed), then the relationship may be abusive. If you have a gut feeling that something isn’t right, then the relationship may be abusive If they work hard to isolate you, then the relationship maybe be abusive. If they consistently do things that make you feel less than or unimportant and fear that they will leave, then the relationship may be abusive.   If you are unsure, find someone who is BDSM knowledgeable to talk through these issues as they are not going to automatically assume a relationship that has authority transfer as part of it is abusive or a relationship in which you are subject to physical punishment is abusive.  They will understand consent and be able to help you parse out what is going on.    You may want to seek therapy or coaching if you find yourself in a situation that feels like it may be abusive or even just feels as though it is not for you.  If you choose to do so (and it can be extremely helpful to work through issues with an objective person), make sure that the therapist you choose is someone who is kink and BDSM knowledgeable.  That way you are less likely to find that you are hearing their own prejudices and you won’t have to teach the therapist about your general world and relationship view, just about the view that applies to you as an individual and your relationships.   You can find a list of kink and BDSM knowledgeable therapist on the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s website (https://www.ncsfreedom.org/) In the UK, many therapists who are kink, BDSM and non-monogamy knowledgeable and friendly can be found on Pink Therapy’s website (https://www.pinktherapy.com/).   Marjorie wrote in:  Alfie and I have been together for about a year.  We met online and our relationship was really strong by the time we met each other IRL 8 months later.  I have become accustomed to thinking of him as my Master and I as his slave as we agreed an authority transfer relationship.  Since we have been together IRL, I have been feelings more and more uncomfortable.  He ignores the limits we agreed on during our negotiations.  One of my hardest limits was marks on my face and neck because I am a medical doctor and going in to work with visible marks causes problems with my colleagues and worries my patients.   The first couple of times he left a mark on my face, he said it was an accident but now it happens almost weekly and it is really making things awkward at work.  When I try to talk with him about it, he reminds me that I agreed to a 24/7 authority transfer relationship and that if I want to leave that relationship, we would not be seeing each other anymore.    I don’t want to lose him so I apologise for making an issue out of it.  But it still doesn’t feel right to me.  This week I talked to a good friend about it and she says that the relationship is abusive and unhealthy and I should leave.  She has no experience with BDSM and I know she disapproves so I don’t know if her advice is accurate or comes from her own biases.  Please advise.   Thanks for writing in Marjorie.  From your description, this is an abusive relationship.  An ethical Master would protect your career as it serves them to have you doing well and being successful.  Successful people who like their work are happier in other aspects of their lives.   An ethical Master would stick with your agreements and if they wanted to modify an agreement, make space for you to express your thoughts and feelings and take these into account.  Ethical Masters do not rule by fear alone.  This man is playing on your fears including your fear of losing him.    Of course my response is with only the information you have provided me – so your mileage may vary.  I would advise you to see a kink and bdsm knowledgeable coach or therapist or peer counsellor and talk your situation through.   Today I talked about abuse versus BDSM. If you were triggered by any of the issues raised or if you simply have a question or comment, please write to me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.     Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.  If you want advice via email, I have a relatively low cost plan. Please email me about it at loribeth@drloribethbisbey.com    If you would like regular information with updates about blogs, courses, podcasts and my adventures, please sign up for my regular list by emailing drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com . I look forward to seeing you next week.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and vibrating toys, dildos and butt plugs, and talked with Chrystal Bougon of Curvy Girl and Bliss.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the first three episodes in the series, I encourage you to do so.  Today, I am talking about pervertables and other interesting toys.  A pervertable is an ordinary item that can be turned to sexual or perverted purposes.    Later in the show I will talk about electro-stimulation toys.  The first question I usually get about pervertables is why bother?  There are a few reasons: The first is if you are not sure if you will enjoy certain types of sensation or activities, you probably don’t want to invest money in the toys or items.  For example, you want to try a toy that will produce a thud type sensation, and see if you enjoy that type of pain mixed pleasure.  You could go out and buy different paddles or you could go into the kitchen and get a wooden spoon or use the back of a heavy hair brush. The second reason is that you don’t have lots of money to spend.  This is the most common reason someone decides to explore pervertables and creating their own toys. The third is the associations we form with items that we will see every day can add some excitement and on-going turn on.  For example, if you have children or live with parents or roommates, you won’t keep that gorgeous flogger out and so you won’t get the thrill of seeing it regularly.    But, if your lover uses a belt instead, every time you see the belt, every time they wear the belt, you will get an intense thrill.  It can be like being hot-wired: You are doing something ordinary and you see the belt and suddenly you are soaked or rock hard or both. Pervertables for sensory play and sensory deprivation play: Sensory deprivation can increase the sensation for the senses that are still available.    It also adds the extra thrill of surprise.  The mildest form of sensory deprivation (and the most common) is blindfolding.  Blindfolds can be made from ties, towels, shirts, belts, strips of fabric.  One of the most arousing scenes I ever took part in, my lover tore off my t-shirt and cut it into strips, using one to blindfold me and the others to tie my hands to the bed posts. Your underwear can be used as a gag.    Sensory play involves using all our senses and different types of sensation to increase excitement.  Sometimes sight is removed (as many of us rely on sight as a primary sense).    Alternate textures can be used to stimulate and enflame.  There are tons of pervertables in the home that are ideal for this type of play. You can use sandpaper, the edge of tweezers, a feather, a fan, the tines of a fork, leather gloves, silk gloves or fabric, a safety pin, a rubber band.  Using smells is also enlightening.  In this case, I recommend pleasant smells and smells that whet the appetite like vanilla, cinnamon, chocolate, musk, civet, labdanum, leather, tuberose, amber, or gardenia.  Taste is also a lot of fun to play with.  I recommend using fresh fruit, chocolate, olives, lemon or lime, fresh ginger and for the truly adventurous various chilli peppers.  Ginger can be used for figging which is when it is peeled and inserted in either the vagina or anus.  It will cause an intense burning sensation.  It shouldn’t be left in for too long.  Some people also use chilli for this but I don’t recommend it because it is too hard to remove.  Please make sure you aren’t allergic to anything you are going to put on or in your body. What about pervertables for dildos?  There are loads of things you can use that are insertable pervertables.  Please use common sense before putting something up your coochie or ass.  Make sure that it isn’t going to cause damage – so make sure it is clean, use condoms, lots of lube, and nothing too sharp! (Even if you like pain, shredding your insides is never advised).    Warnings finished.  You can use carrots, zucchini (courgettes), candles. If you want to try some forms of BDSM and kink, there are lots of pervertables you can find at home or at B&Q or Home Depot.    For restraints, ribbon can be used.  Ribbon can feel cutting though so make sure to pay attention to how you feel and make sure the person who has tied you with it is checking in with you about how you feel.  Any time you use restraints you must take care not to cut off circulation by tying too tight.  You can use various sizes of chain for restraints.  You can use regular rope but this tends to chafe.  Try using rope over some fabric (like a sock or a tie) in order to avoid chafing.  Nipple stimulation can be sensual or intense.  If you want to experience some of the intense, clothespins are great pervertables.   They may seem easy at first.  The real hurt comes when they are taken off and all the blood rushes back into the nipples.   Chopsticks can be used to tap on the nipples. For impact toys, you have incredible choices all throughout the house.  In the office, rulers make great impact toys.  They can also be easily integrated into a role play scene.  My first piano teacher used to hit my hand with a ruler when I didn’t play correctly.   School role plays can include being spanked with a ruler. Spoons are great impact toys.  You can use wooden, plastic or metal and they will each give you a different sensation.    You can use spatulas as well.   Try a long-handled shoe horn (wooden ones are the best).   Belts (the end without the buckle) are old standards for a good spanking.    The back of a brush or a shoe are ones that many people in their 40’s and older experienced when they were children and naughty. If you want a more challenging sensation, a beating with the business end of a hair brush is pretty challenging.    Rubber bands are very challenging.  How do you use them, you ask?  Just like when you were kids, you snap them on someone.   The worst places to have them snapped on you are predictably the most sensitive places.  Rubber bands look really innocuous but they are NOT.  Remember that using different fabrics and textures all over your body can be really arousing.  Alternating textures raises excitement.  For example, using something furry over the breasts and following that with light scratching with finger nails.  Playing with temperature is also lots of fun with pervertables.  Paraffin candles are perfect for wax play.  If you’ve never done it before, do get some instruction (either in person or on line) so that no one gets burned.  Ice cubes are fantastic for raising your temperature.  They can be rubbed lightly over the body or held tightly to the juicy parts. Electro-stimulation toys are finally more affordable.  Electrostimulation or e-sex involves the applying of electrical stimulation to the nerves for sexual pleasure.    If you use a pace maker, please don’t try this.  If you have heart conditions, this is not recommended.    And it is not advisable to place electrodes so that current passes through the chest cavity as even at low current and low voltage there is a risk of cardiac problems.   Having said this, if you are using a violet wand these warnings don’t apply.   If you are going to try this, it is best to get some instruction so you know all the risks, hazards and the best techniques.  OK, warnings over. The use of electricity for entertainment dates back to the 1740’s.  In the 1830’s insertable electrodes were first designed.  In the 1920, some electrostimulation devices were used as a ‘cure’ for impotence.    In the 1950s, a EMS machine that was designed for relaxation was re-purposed and used for sexual stimulation. That was an advanced pervertable!.   Violet rays were developed for various medical treatments in the 1920’s and 30’s.   From there they went to the beauty community and some treatments originally derived from violet ray use still exist today.    Edgar Cayce found metaphysical uses for these devices and they found popularity again in the 60’s and 70’s.  The original repurposed units are TENS and EMS units.  Erotic units began to be devised in the 1980s.  Battery powered units are preferred as they reduce the likelihood of injury. Violet wands are modified telsa coil type electrical transformer.  It is usually engineered specifically for sexual play.  The electrode attachments are made of glass or plastic and they glow when the electricity passes through them.  The most common colour is purple hence the violet in the name but there are lots of different colours you can find.  There is a phallic shaped electrode made for insertion and this has a fine spray output versus the long slim tube which concentrates into larger single sparks.  Some electrodes feel tickly, others like a gentle tingling, others a bit more spicy and some very intense.  There are a wide variety of techniques you can employ using these devices.  Some allow you to electrify yourself and use your fingertips to be the contact point.  So you can stroke your partner with a finger that gives them little sparks as you stroke.  There are floggers and canes that can be electrified through your hand so you can add that extra spice to the flogging.  Violet wands are lower amperage than other electro stimulation toys and therefore are the safest.  They can be used above the waist without fear.  There are so many different sensations produced by these making them a great toy to use long term,  More information can be found from the International Violet Wand Guild – violetwands.org. Are there pervertables you have used that you found really sexy or are there things I haven’t mentioned that you find smokin’ hot?  Tweet me @drbisbey or post a picture on Instagram where I am also drbisbey.   Tell me about your violet wands or other electromagnetic play.  Or you can drop me an email at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.   If you want some more details on using the pervertables in this podcast, you can get the workbook to accompany the series by emailing me. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I start my series about the care and feeding of the penis.  Joining me today is GP Walsh. Son of a schizophrenic mother and an absent father, GP’s earliest memory is being tied to his bed, to keep him from wandering. The years of abuse and emotional deprivation were offset by a natural gift for and love of truth as we'll as an unquenchable curiosity about how people really heal and awaken. GP has spent a lifetime mastering those techniques and processes that liberate the mind and heart and bring healing to individuals, families and organizations. GP is the author of “The Tao of Allowing”, “Angels in the Basement”, “The Harmonious Human”, “Tapping on the Buddha”, “Just Allow It”, and numerous other ebooks, meditations and audio/video programs.  He is the Founder of The MasterHEART Institute, an Ordained Minister in the Universal Brotherhood Movement, a Member of the Association of Comprehensive Energy Psychology, the Evolutionary Business Council and was personally invited to be a member of the prestigious Transformational Leadership C ouncil by Jack Canfield, the organization’s founder. We started by talking about The Ball Project and GP told me about how he started it and how important having a place for men to talk about feelings and worries is especially in the current cultural climate.  We spoke about how men find it difficult to feel their feelings and express them and how often they feel emasculated.  GP spoke about the anger and rage men carry – some righteous and some not and that they do not learn to express this in productive ways and this makes them ill. We spoke about how all of this can cause impotency.  We went on to talk about retirement and the loss of relevance that men experience when they retire and how this can impact sexual functioning.  GP talked about how important it is for men to be doing something that matters and that men still identify themselves by the job they do.  We spoke about the fact that because there is a medication for impotence, men are not encouraged to look at their feelings and make the connection between mind, feelings and body that may resolve the problem without medication. We spoke about men using pornography as avoidance from fear of women, lack of understanding as to how to approach women and fear of the tough emotions like rejection.  We both agreed that looking at overuse of pornography as an addiction does nothing to help them men who are experiencing this problem.  We spoke about how difficult it is for men to be centred in now You can find GP Walsh at: Website: http://gpwalsh.com Facebook: http://facebook.com/GPWalshFB Twitter: http://twitter.com/gpwalsh.com Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Join me next for part 2 of the care and feeding of the penis.

Sex Spoken Here:  Overcoming Shame     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about overcoming shame.    Dr Brene Brown is a shame researcher.  One of my favourite quotes of hers is: ‘Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do’.  Shame is one of the most common issues that clients bring to me as a therapist and as a coach.  People come with shame about their desires, about their past sexual experiences.  They come with shame about their feelings for others and some come with shame and they cannot figure out where the shame has come from.   We experience shame when we cannot own something we have thought, felt, or done or some part of ourselves.  Guilt can be appropriate when we have done something we know is wrong and harmed ourselves and/or others.  It serves the purpose of getting us to look at the wrong and highlighting the wrong so that we can make amends, change our behaviour.  Shame is toxic.  It comes from conditioning via our upbringing, via our cultural group, via the overarching society.    This shame doesn’t serve a purpose.  It keeps us trapped and makes it impossible for us to live in fullness and authenticity.  The difference between shame and guilt: Shame is ‘I am bad/wrong’ and guilt is ‘My behaviour is bad/wrong’.   When we experience shame, it can last a long time.  It hides in our unconscious and we are not necessarily aware of it until it is triggered.  Our own thoughts can trigger the shame.   Toxic shame most often comes from lots of shame experiences we have as children.  We internalise these experiences and the shame spreads.   ‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging’ Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW    Dr Brown goes on to say that shame needs ‘three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgement.  Shame cannot survive being spoken.  It cannot survive empathy.’   Sadly, our culture encourages shame around sex and sexuality.  Many of us grow up ashamed of our bodies, ashamed of any pleasure we can from our bodies, ashamed of our desires and ashamed of our attractions.    It starts when we first discover our bodies can bring us pleasure and our caregivers find us enjoying our bodies.  All too often, caregivers shame children for touching themselves.  Instead of telling a child that it is wonderful that they are enjoying their body but it would be better to do so in private, parents often become flustered and angry and ashamed and then shame the child.   We learn quickly what our parents, family members, and other trusted adults feel is ‘shameful’ and we internalise that shame.  We feel shame when no matter what we do to modify our desires or attractions, we still experience them.  Many religions instil lots of shame around sexual behaviour, desire and attraction.  They hand down strict rules about when sex is appropriate, what type of sex is appropriate and even when and if pleasure is permitted.    For example, in Judaism, sexual pleasure is permitted and appropriate when you have sex within marriage.  If you have sex outside of marriage, that is considered inappropriate and if you are part of a religious community and this is discovered, one of the tools people have to punish you is to shame you.   Some people never get past this shame and sex becomes an emotional mine field.  They find it impossible to relax and fully enjoy sex.  When they do enjoy sex, they feel ashamed afterwards as well.  Some people find it hard to maintain intimate relationships because of their shame.  They find it hard to be vulnerable with their partners.  Other people finds ways to decrease their shame or only experience shame when they engage in some activities.  They make compromises with themselves.  They ask for forgiveness from whatever higher power or God they pray to.    I was raised with lots of shame around sex, sexuality and desire.   As a result, most of my early sexual experiences caused a backlash of shame.  It took me a lot of personal work over many years before I could experience my desires and any sexual activity I engaged in fully, authentically and without shame.    My current spiritual beliefs see sex as a sacred act and as an act of worship.  Sexual energy is the life energy.  Integrating this energy into self, relationships and daily life is a goal that leads to further spiritual development and enlightenment.    The process to get from shame based sexuality to authentic sexuality without shame can be a long one but the rewards are incredible.   How do you overcome shame?  To do so, you must be willing to be vulnerable, to feel your emotions in full and to walk through them.    Start by grabbing a pen and notebook or iPad or your phone or laptop.  Where ever you can take notes, and dedicate a section to this practice – the practice of feeling your emotions in full, walking through them, integrating them.  Journalling is a good way to pay attention to these feelings.  Hence my suggestion to make a practice of writing about your feelings   To move past shame, you must be willing to change the way you are thinking.  When shame is triggered, you can replace these thoughts with accepting thoughts.  To do this, you must pay attention to your triggers, your thoughts and your feelings.    This is a practice and it takes time.  The more you do it, the better you will become at it until it positive and accepting thoughts will be second nature rather than the negative shaming ones.  For some people, it is easier to note thoughts than feelings.  For others, it is easier to note the triggers for feelings and more difficult to look at the thoughts.  Where ever you start in this process, it is important to note all three: triggers, thoughts, feelings and often to note a fourth column: behaviour.   If you start with triggers: Once you have achieved some success at recognising your triggers, move on to identifying the source of the shame.    Is it a thought that is triggering feelings of being unworthy and bad?  Is it an action?  Something someone else has said or done?    Is the thought or desire or action against your own principles?  If it is, think about whether the shame is really guilt and whether you should be modifying your behaviour.   If not, recognise that this shame is not based in reality.    The next step is to clearly express the shame and all the secrets, unexpressed and hidden thoughts and feelings that the shame covers up.  Shame thrives in the dark so if you shine the light of your sustained non-judgemental attention on the shame it will dissipate.    If you have a safe person to talk to, the next step is to express these things to someone who will listen without judgement and acknowledge you and all that you are saying.  A safe person is someone who won’t judge you, won’t interpret what you are saying, will prioritise the time and the space to listen to you and will hold this space for you for as long as you need it.    They will listen with empathy and their goal in doing so is to support you.  If you don’t have someone in your life who is safe to work on these things with, you might consider a therapist, counsellor, or coach as it is difficult to fully explore shame and get rid of it on your own.   Once you have exposed these secrets and hidden thoughts and desires to the light of day, notice how you are feeling.  If you are feeling lighter and more positive then you know you have just overcome an area of shame.  If you remain uncertain or upset it is likely that some part remains unexplored and/or that there are other connected feelings, thoughts or events that have been triggered by exploring the current material and not yet explored.   If you can identify one of these incidents, thoughts or feelings, you can give voice to it just at you did with the last secret you brought from the shadow to the light.    When you are feeling lighter or better in some way, it is a good place to stop.       Make it a point to get out of your head when you reach that good place to stop.  Go for a walk and notice the beauty around you, listen to some music, watch a movie, enjoy something delicious to eat.  Take your attention from your thoughts and bring it into your feelings, your senses, the world around you.   When you have examined and expressed these desires and gotten rid of the shame connected to them, the next step is to decide if you wish to experience them.  Once you have eliminated toxic shame around a desire or fantasy, you may find the drive to have the experience increases.       Janna had a fantasy about having sex with two men at the same time.  She had this fantasy for as long as she could remember but she had never told anyone about it because it caused her intense shame. She could hear her mother saying that girls who enjoy sex are sluts and that sex was only for reproduction and pleasing your husband.   Janna started seeing a sex coach to help her to move past her shame about her sexual desires.    After working directly on her shame, she was finally able to talk about this fantasy with her sex coach.   Talking about the fantasy no longer made Janna feel ashamed and in fact she felt excited when talking about the desire.   Janna now had the courage to talk with her husband about this fantasy.  She was initially worried about how he would react but she felt reassured when she saw his response to some erotica that contained stories about group sex and specifically two men sharing a woman.  One night Janna sat her husband down and told him all about her fantasy of having sex with two men at once.  George listened and as Janna talked he became more and more excited.  He found the idea so exciting that he grabbed her and silenced her by kissing her intensely.  They continued kissing and progressed to having passionate sex on the living room floor.    Janna and George talked more later that night and George suggested they start to look for a man to join them and fulfil Janna’s fantasy.  Excitement had now completely replaced shame.    Paul had fantasised about being spanked since he was a teenager.  He wasn’t sure why this fantasy caused him to feel shame but he was aware that it did.  It was his most powerful fantasy but every time he thought about it, the shame was so intense that he felt as though he were going to cry.    Paul and his boyfriend went to a birthday party for a friend and the birthday boy got a spanking at the party.  Michael noticed Paul’s reaction to the spanking and how turned on he was but when he brought it up to Paul, Paul shut the conversation down immediately.    Michael asked Paul to come to a coaching session with him to talk about their sexual fantasies so they could learn how to communicate better.  During the session, Paul finally talked about the shame he felt when he had these sexual desires.  When it was clear that Michael was not only not disgusted by him but was very turned on by him, the shame began to lift.    After some further work on their communication, they were able to agree to enact this fantasy and both reported having a great time.   Ridding yourself of shame does not mean that you will choose to enact the desires or fantasies that triggered the shame in the first place.  However, once you have rid yourself of the shame, you will be able to make a choice.   Being bold, being honest, being authentic are skills.  The more that you practice the more likely they will become strong skills and develop into positive habits.    If you are not able to get rid of the shame by working on your own or if the shame keeps returning, you are likely to experience better results if you work with a sex therapist or a sex coach.  Choose a therapist if you have a lot of issues in your past and know that you will need to examine these in depth.  Choose a coach if your focus is primarily on clearing up feelings and thoughts, learning new skills, becoming comfortable in the present and planning for the future.    Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Please enjoy again:   Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 1   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am continuing my series about gender.  Last week I started my discussion with Melvin Marsh.  Today we are continuing that discussion.  If you haven’t heard part 1, go on and download it and have a listen.  Melvin Marsh is a practicing medical hypnotherapist in with particular interests in medical hypnosis, phobias, and anxiety. While attending medical school, hypnotherapy was suggested to him to deal with his own anxiety problem caused by a residual medical phobia. As hypnotherapy started to relieve the symptoms, he realized he could use hypnosis to help his future patients. Eventually, he left medical school to pursue studies at HMI College of Hypnotherapy where he graduated with honors. He became a certified hypnotherapist under the strict guidelines of the Hypnotherapist's Union Local 472 AFL-CIO, the strictest certifying agency in the United States requiring an additional 80 clinical hours over that of the National Guild. Melvin has been interviewed by top podcasts, including being interviewed by the famous Adam Eason of Hypnosis Weekly and is much in demand as a speaker and teacher.   We started by finishing our talk about screening and therapy prior to transitioning and the number of people who have second thoughts and return to their original gender.    We moved on to the difficulties involved in dating and talked about when it is appropriate to tell someone that you are trans (as soon as possible says Melvin).  We spoke about the effects of transition on sexuality and the fact that sometimes sexual orientation changes and other times it does not so nothing can be assumed.  We talked anatomy and the changes that happy for FTM transsexuals.    We spoke about the different ways people like to have sex, the importance of getting pronouns correct but the recognition that honest mistakes are usually quickly forgiven.    We spoke about how awful it is when someone repeatedly chooses to address a person incorrectly and how invalidating that is.    If you want to find Melvin: Website Link www.afterhourshypnotherapy.com   Facebook link https://www.facebook.com/afterhourshypnotherapy/   twitter link https://twitter.com/melsmarsh/    Other social media link https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTJhbqVCZtqEuwVx-azZJoA/    Offer you want to promote on the show If you wish to book LGBT culturally competent hypnosis, or anything like that in general, $50 (USD) off any service but you have to use the contact us form on the website so it goes directly to me and just mention Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week for part three of this series on gender where I will be interviewing Dr Meg-John Barker.  

Please enjoy again:   Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 1   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am beginning a series about gender.   When I was growing up, many people saw gender as either male or female.   There were sometimes people who were referred to as transsexual who felt they were born with the wrong body and chose to undergo surgery to change to their ideal gender.     One of my first flirtations, a boy called Kenny, confided in me when we were both 16 that he really felt female inside and wanted to change sex.   He went for some physical tests and told me that though he had male genitalia he also had a uterus inside.  Kenny went on to have a sex change operation.  He was the first person I ever met who questioned the gender he was assigned at birth.   The understanding of gender has changed dramatically since that time.  Current research highlights gender as a spectrum and recognises gender fluidity as well as transgender and transsexual.   I’m going to dive into this issue in depth over the next few weeks.   Joining me today to start the discussion is Melvin Marsh Melvin Marsh is a practicing medical hypnotherapist in with particular interests in medical hypnosis, phobias, and anxiety. While attending medical school, hypnotherapy was suggested to him to deal with his own anxiety problem caused by a residual medical phobia. As hypnotherapy started to relieve the symptoms, he realized he could use hypnosis to help his future patients. Eventually, he left medical school to pursue studies at HMI College of Hypnotherapy where he graduated with honors. He became a certified hypnotherapist under the strict guidelines of the Hypnotherapist's Union Local 472 AFL-CIO, the strictest certifying agency in the United States requiring an additional 80 clinical hours over that of the National Guild. Melvin has been interviewed by top podcasts, including being interviewed by the famous Adam Eason of Hypnosis Weekly and is much in demand as a speaker and teacher.   He socially transitioned in 2002 and medically transitioned a few years after that.  Welcome to the show!   There is a lot of controversy around definitions so please note that the opinions of the speaker belong to them.  We started with the difference between transsexual and transgender.  Melvin sees transsexual as those who make physical changes (hormones, surgery) and live full time as the new gender and transgender as those who do not necessarily do these things.  I did highlight the fact that each individual has their own perception of their gender identification and that this should be respected.  In my view we should respect as many identifications of gender as there are people.    We talked about discrimination extensively.  Melvin reports that there is as much discrimination within the LGBTQIIAA+ community as there is outside the community and that it is widespread in the US.    He spoke about being in fear for his life, being harassed in medical school and being attacked on the street.  He spoke about being out and taking the heat for some folks who would prefer to ‘go stealth’.   We talked about some of the differences between FTM and MTF trans people.  One of the differences highlighted was that it is often easier for FTM to appear  physically credible as their new gender and so to blend in.    I asked about places where Melvin has experienced support or that his gender has not been an issue and he told me that when he converted to Judaism, his Rabbi was great.  He said the congregation is brilliant and his hypnotherapy school has been great.   I asked about how people in the community could help and he spoke about not asking personal questions in public settings unless he is there to educate.   We spoke about the prohibitively high costs of transitioning.   We ended this discussion speaking about the therapy and screening necessary to make transitions safe and will cover this in more depth next week.       You can find Melvin at: http://www.afterhourshypnotherapy.com   Facebook link https://www.facebook.com/afterhourshypnotherapy/   twitter link https://twitter.com/melsmarsh/     Other social media link https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTJhbqVCZtqEuwVx-azZJoA/     If you wish to book LGBT culturally competent hypnosis, or anything like that in general, $50 (USD) off any service but you have to use the contact us form on the website so it goes directly to me and just mention Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey     Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 2 of this series on gender.          

Please enjoy again: Littles and Bigs Age Play   Sex Spoken Here: Littles and Bigs and Age Play  TRIGGER WARNING     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am starting my series on littles, bigs and age play.  This area of kink often really upsets people.  Many people see it as related to paedophilia which it is not or related to sexual abuse.    There are many layers to this area so I will spend a few weeks examining them in as much detail as I can.   Joining me to start the discussion is Kathleen Melch.  Kathleen Melch is a leatherwoman within the BDSM community. She has been publicly involved with the community for the last 15 years as an educator and a title holder. She considers the subject of Littles as her primary specialty. Uncovering her own little in her early twenties, it is her mission and joy to guide people who are littles, Bigs and the larger community.     Kathleen started by making the distinction between age play which is adults choosing to take on the persona of a child – more like a role play – and littles where people are actually psychologically and emotionally regressing to a particular age.  She made the point that in age play, consent is possible but that in her opinion with littles it is not.  She highlighted that this is because of the complete regression.  Kathleen said that littles are usually between age 3 and 8 and that middles are 8 to the tweens and that bigs are the people who look after/care for the little.   Flowing from her point about consent, Kathleen made clear that in her view there should be nothing sexual between a big and a little as that is incest and could be traumatising or re-traumatising.  She was clear that she does not see littles and bigs as a kink as a result.   She spoke about the explosion of littles on the BDSM kink scene in the last 10 years and that this has led to difficult situations where the space for littles is placed in the dungeon or in a sexual play space.  Kathleen was clear that she doesn’t think this is appropriate as you wouldn’t expose your 6 year old to an adult sexual space and it is essentially the same as the little, who is psychologically regressed, is in the mind space and emotional space of the child.   We spoke about the grey areas that fall between littles/bigs and age play.  For example, two littles playing doctor is age appropriate sexual play.   Spanking can be a grey area as the sexual pleasure encoding may have happened during a childhood incident in which there was no sexual content intended (e.g The adult was not sexually aroused.  They were administering punishment).  And spoke about the fact that some people choose to re-enact a scene from their own sexual abuse background in order to try to heal.     We spoke in great detail about the discomfort of people who are not interested in little/big relationships sharing adult space and the problems sex educators have when dealing with these relationships.  Kathleen was clear that she is very protective of littles and seeks to keep them safe in adult spaces.    Kathleen spoke about the need for bigs and adults who are engaging in age play to have education around the age regression and how to bring someone back to the adult age as well as around symptoms of trauma and dissociation. She spoke about the fact that after care is usually much more extensive in these situations. We spoke about the enjoyment people get out of age play and how some people find it extremely exciting to explore these taboo relationships and that these adults are able to consent to do this.   We also highlighted that none of this has to do with adults having any sexual interest in a biological child.  The interest is in an adult who is engaging in pretend.   We began to talk about some of the psychological issues that arise and when people need to consider seeking out professional support (psychotherapy for example).   We will continue that discussion in a later podcast in this series.   You can find Kathleen on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/kathleen.baars   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!   Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.  I look forward to seeing you next week for part two of all about age play.  

Someday my prince/princess will come…  Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today we will talk about the two myths that I believe cause the most problems for us in creating relationships that work and keeping them working long term.   ‘Someday my prince will come’.  ‘And they all lived happily ever after’.  Many of us were raised with these fantasies, believing that happiness is connected to finding ‘the one who completes us’.    The cultural conditioning runs deep.  Even people who make alternative life choices can find themselves dreaming about living happily ever after or meeting that one person.   These fantasies cause more pain than they do pleasure.  Let’s start with the idea of living happily ever after.  The story goes that we work hard to find that right person and overcome obstacles to be together and then finally we reach the goal and get to live happily ever after.  The problems with this fairy tale are legion.  Life is not static.  People do not get to a place where they are happy in a relationship and then remain there without any work ,without any issues occurring, forever.  Things change.   Our relationships go through changes as we age, if we have children, when jobs change, when finances change and hopefully as we grow emotionally and spiritually.    If we believe that sustained happiness is the goal we are bound to fail.  This leads to dissatisfaction first, can lead to relationship breakdown and even depression.   Happiness is an emotional state that is based on external factors.  It is future based as well.  As a result, we have no control over the feeling.  Someone else or something that happens causes us to feel happy.  We have no agency when trying to find happiness.     Agency is our ability to act and/or to exert power.   When we have agency we are able to create changes internally but also in the world around us.   Joy is an emotional state that is internally based.  Joy can come in moments or it can be more stable. We can find joy even when external circumstances are tough.  It is often seen as  a more spiritual quality.    I remember waking up full of joy during a period where I was struggling financially.  I took joy in the nature around me.  For me joy and gratitude often go together.   Many people are so caught up in the drama of their lives and in reaching for that happily ever after that they fail to take joy in all that they have and all that they are each day.      I am already complete by myself.  I need no one to complete me.  I don’t have a ‘better half’ or an ‘other half’.  I am already whole.  When I am in relationship with someone, two whole people join together.  If that relationship ends, though I may grieve a great deal,  I am still whole.      Believing that you need someone else to complete you denies your full potential.  You are handing over your power to the mythical perfect partner.    You are giving away your agency again and waiting for someone to ‘give’ you happiness, to ‘cause you to feel happy’.  When you need someone else in order to feel productive, to feel good, you are setting yourself up for unhappiness and loss.  Being dependent upon someone else for your good feelings and in order to feel good about yourself is a sure road to relationship failure and can also lead to a loss of confidence and depression.  If the relationship ends, you are returning to your earlier state.  Half a person is a broken person.   Expecting someone to complete you, to be that one person who can create your happiness is giving someone far too much responsibility.    This builds a co-dependent relationship which is not a healthy basis for relationship.  Co-dependency in a relationship is marked by excessive need for the other person, problems with boundaries, problems with intimacy, imbalance in power leading to controlling behaviour, and high levels of drama.    Instead of a co-dependent relationship, we should seek an interdependent relationship.  In this relationship, the individuals are whole and emotionally healthy.  The partners rely upon each other and support each other.  Each party is deeply involved but they do not sacrifice themselves or compromise their values.    If we are not looking for someone to complete us we recognise that we can have relationships with more than one person.  For some people, this means multiple romantic relationships.  For other people, this means very intimate friendships that compliment one romantic partner.    We gain more support, more variety and as a result a richer life.      I learned in my graduate training how to stay in the present and I teach many clients how to do the same.  I practice this in daily life as this is hard to maintain in my personal life.  There is so much pressure in our culture to look back and look forward.  Being in the now is often seen as irresponsible and frivolous.  In my view, it is incredibly adult and demonstrates high levels of emotional intelligence and maturity.  It is the letting go of fear and anxiety and the acceptance of all that you are and all that is around you that allows us to be in the now.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.

Please enjoy: Sex Love Stories: L   Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  L     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    In today’s story, we will cover bisexuality and non-monogamy.  Joining me is L who is a bisexual woman in a long term relationship with a man.  She has recently moved into a polyamorous way of living.   I asked L to tell me about her background and culture.  She described herself as a CIS gendered white woman who was Welsh and had Welsh as a first language.  She crossed the border to England at 16.     I asked about her first sexual awareness and she said that she didn’t really have much of one as a child apart from the playing doctor type interactions.  She said that her first sexual experience was not pleasant and that looking back it was really non-consensual as she didn’t feel she could say no and she didn’t fully understand what was happening.   One theme of our conversation was the importance of education about pleasure and learning your own body so that you can communicate your needs to a partner.   L met her husband at 16 and they have been together since.  She spoke of always having an attraction to girls but not fully recognising this as a part of her until a few years ago.  She spoke of sharing this with her husband and then them talking about the possibility of opening the relationship.   L said at first that she simply wanted to share this part of herself with her husband and didn’t feel a need to act on anything.  Her husband didn’t want to be the reason that she did not explore this side of herself so they started the journey into non-monogamy.   L spoke of the changes they have experienced in the way they view non-monogamy and the ups and downs of making this transition.  She said that they both have on going relationships with others and that their relationship still remains central.  She spoke about the joy in sharing their experiences with each other and that they are closer now than before they chose to change their path.   We spoke about some of the issues around having a ‘primary’ relationship and the different responsibilities that come with being married to someone or cohabiting with someone.  L spoke about how much she enjoys the different experiences and that they have now had some experiences together which has also been a lot of fun.     Today we spoke about bisexuality, the transition to non-monogamy, and the importance of self-knowledge and self-love .  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: Non-Monogamy with Cooper S Beckett Non-monogamy with Dr Meg-John Barker Part 2 Non-monogamy with Dr Meg-John Barker Part 1 Freaked Out Your Partner Might Be Poly? How do I Know if Polyamory is for Me?   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. Is non-monogamy for you?  What about Kink? BDSM? Role Play? Take my free test and learn how to add that to your sex life.    

Sex Spoken Here:  Arousal Non-concordance: When your Body says ‘yes’ but you don’t want sex and aren’t enjoying it.     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about arousal nonconcordance.   What? Huh?  I can hear you saying.   In simple terms, arousal nonconcordance is when your genital response doesn’t not match your internal experience.  For example, if you have a vagina, you are feeling really turned on but you are not wet.   Everyone experiences nonconcordance at times and it can be extremely confusing.  The most upsetting examples of nonconcordance, are around rape and sexual assault.  Many people experience orgasm during rape and this can lead them to believe that they wanted the rape.  Sometimes worse than the self-blame is the blame heaped on them by others – and the attitude of the criminal justice system when they are not aware that nonconcordance is a normal response in these situations and that orgasm does not mean that there was desire, enjoyment or consent.   Dr Emily Nagoski, sex educator discusses nonconcordance in detail in her book ‘Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.’ She gave a TED talk at TED2018 that covered this topic as well.   She highlights that when sex research is done with men measuring penile response to determine arousal in response to stimuli and comparing it to subjective arousal reported by the man, there is only about a 50% concordance between the two.    That means 50% of the time there is nonconcordance – the man reports arousal but his penis doesn’t harden or the man doesn’t report arousal but his penis is hard.   She reports that if you do the same experiment with a woman – there is only 10 percent overlap.  Think about that for a second.  Though a woman’s genitals react to sexually relevant stimuli, the overlap with subjective arousal is only 10%.    What does this actually mean?  Something can be sexually relevant but not something a person would find desirable.  Bondage is sexually relevant but Marc finds it tedious.   Images of anal sex are sexually relevant and cause Jerry to lubricate but she finds the idea of anal sex repugnant.  One of the things this highlights is how important the brain is in female sexual response.    Emily Nagoski talks about Ross Buck’s framework to think about emotion that allows us to better understand nonconcordance.  ‘Emotion I is the involuntary physiological response – your heart rate and blood pressure, pupil dilation, digestion, sweating immune functioning.  Genital response falls into this category and my college friend who got wet while she was bored, tied up waiting for her partner to come back, experienced this kind of response but nothing else. Emotion II is involuntary expressive response to a feeling.  It’s body language- or more accurately, paralanguage – things like vocal inflection, posture, and facial expression – all the cues we use to infer another person’s internal state.  A great dinner date will be full of Emotion II, as you find yourself putting your hand on your date’s arm, gazing into their eyes and smiling.  These are often influenced by culture but have a great deal of universality and they can be intentionally controlled to some degree but not as much as you might think.  Did you choose the expression on your face right now?  Emotion III is subjective experience of a feeling. If someone asks you how you feel and you check in with yourself to find the answer, what you’re noticing is Emotion III.  This is subjective arousal – the conscious experience of ‘I want you so much I can hardly stand it’  which may or may not be accompanied by genital response (Emotion I) or eye contact (Emotion II).   So nonconcordance is not only related to sex – it is related to all expression of emotion as well.   There are three myths related to nonconcordance that Emily Nagoski highlights as being particularly dangerous.  The first one is the most long lasting and the most dangerous in my view.  This is the myth that genital response means someone is sexually aroused.   This is true for both men and women.  Men are more likely to experience this in the form of missing genital response but feelings of sexual arousal and then assume they are not really aroused or that there is something wrong with them.  Men can experience a lack of an erection at a time when they really want sex and not understand what is happening.  They will go looking for a cause when it fact it is simply nonconcordance.    Why is this particularly dangerous, because it encourages people to question their subjective feelings of arousal.    When someone does this, they begin to question their judgment and may agree to do things that don’t cause them pleasure and that they don’t want to do.    It is the myth that leads to men telling women who say they don’t want to do something or even saying a clear no that they obviously are aroused because they are wet.    Genital response is a conditioned reflex – it is the body expecting activity because it is exposed to a sexually relevant stimuli.    Again – it does not suggest wanting.   Genital response does not mean turned on.  Subjective response is the only completely sure way to assess whether someone is turned on and so you need to be talking with a partner or potential partner.   Myth number 2 is that genital response means enjoying.  This is when it is suggested that a woman’s genitals are giving the ‘truth’ about what is really turning them on and that women are either ‘in denial’, ‘out of touch with their bodies’, ‘lying’ or ‘completely repressed and not aware of their own deep desires.’    This myth is dangerous as it encourages men to push forward justifying this behaviour by saying the woman is not aware of her own desires – suggesting her genitals will highlight what is really true.    The danger is obvious.  If your genitals tell you the ‘truth’ about arousal and you lubricate when being sexually assaulted or become erect when being sexually assaulted then it means that you wanted or enjoyed the assault.   This could not be further from the truth since genitals only signpost that something is sexually relevant not enjoyable or wanted.   For example research has women (and men) reacting with genital response to movies of monkeys mating.   Genitals react to mating as something that is a sexual act but I haven’t yet met someone who has a fetish about monkeys mating (so no wanting or enjoying). For women, the biggest part of arousal occurs in the mind.  The evidence of this is the only 10% overlap between genital response and subjective arousal.  For men, 50% overlap means that about 50% of arousal is in the mind.   Finally, the third myth is that nonconcordance is a problem.    That is to say, if your genital response is not matching with your subjective response there must be a problem that needs treating.  This is wholly untrue.    There is a relationship between nonconcordance and sexual dysfunction but a relationship is NOT causation.  None of the research suggests that there is any causative relationship.    The most important take aways for all of this:  To know if someone is sexually aroused and enjoying what is happening, you have to listen to their words not to their genitals.  That is why it is so important to gain verbal consent and not to make assumptions that because someone is responding genitally that is consent.    Nonconcordance is normal and common.  The person who is nonconcordant does not need to be fixed.  They just need to trust their own brains and their partners just need to listen to their words.   This week I talked about arousal nonconcordance.  If this triggers you or you have a comment to make, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Here is a reboot of Sex Love Stories 6, please enjoy:   Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 6:  Anita Cassidy     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today is the sixth instalment of the sex love series.  Joining me today is author Anita Cassidy.  Anita describes herself as a white British woman, age 41 who grew up moving around a lot because her father was in the Royal Air Force.    We started with her first awareness of herself as a sexual being and she said that this wasn’t until she was 14 or 15.  She said she didn’t touch herself and that sex wasn’t talked about in her home.  She described her first awareness as noticing her body’s response to movies (and being uncomfortable watching them with her parents), enjoying the Sunday Sport images of naked women and stories about sex and described saving enough pennies to try to listen to the women talk on the phone sex lines.    Anita said her first proper sexual experience was when she was 17 and with a boyfriend.  She spoke about being ready to have sex and being excited to explore this new chapter of her life.  She talked about the next number of boyfriends she had where the relationships were good and the sex was pleasant if not exciting.   She spoke about stable relationships through university and then moving to London and moving in with her boyfriend.   Anita spoke about her first job in advertising sales for the Independent and that the atmosphere at work was very sexually charged and she enjoyed this.  She commented that this is interesting given current focus on sexual harassment and whether there is any place for sex and relationships in the workplace.   She talked about a period of time spent exploring and how much she enjoyed this and being the centre of attention.   Anita talked about reaching 26 and deciding it was time to be serious so that she was taken seriously.  She identifies this time as when she truly split her mind from her body and that she didn’t believe she could have both and exciting sexual life and a serious career.  Anita spoke of marrying and that the sex was ‘good enough’ but not really exciting.  She said that she was pregnant within 6 months of marriage and the focus became on having a family.  She said that they were not a couple who had no sex for many months and that they talked about making sure they were still having sex but said that they never talked about sexual desires, wants or needs.  Anita highlighted this as a theme throughout her life up to that point.   Anita spoke of realising she was bored and unhappy once her children were both in school and child care.  She said she ended up in a conversation with a man she met through her writing and that this was when she discovered kink and BDSM.  She described this as though someone had ‘walked through (my) mind and turned all the lights on’.  She spoke of reading Dr Meg-John Barker’s ‘Rewriting the Rules’ and asking her husband to read the book as well.  She talked about the painful conversation that led to them opening up their marriage.   Anita talked about finally integrating her sexual needs and desires and how amazing this is.  She spoke of this transforming the rest of her life. Anita’s book is available to pre-order now on Amazon.  Here is the link: Appetite   Today we spoke about being kinky, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-monogamy, the importance of congruence and communication, the wonders of being raised without shame around sexuality. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes. Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: BDSM dating D/s Relationships Consent Communication Non-Monogamy 1 Non-Monogamy 2 Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.  The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services.

Sex Spoken Here:  After  #metoo Recovering from Sexual assault     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.      Joining me today is Carolin Hauser-Carson, German trained Naturopathic Doctor, Humanistic Psychotherapist, and Family Constellations Facilitator, is the author of the book Blossom – 7 Steps to Sexual Healing and the upcoming book The Pleasure IQ. An internationally-recognized speaker and teacher on the subjects of spirituality, healing, and women’s empowerment for almost two decades, Carolin combines her knowledge to help women (and brave men) to have love-filled lives that flow with a sense of ease and amazing results. Her work is based on the intersection of where the human body and experience meets past–and even ancestral–trauma, and shows how each individual’s authentic and true self is the source of one’s own good – a place of unlimited abundance, creativity, courage, and joyful existence.   Carolin talked about the #metoo phenomena as being both helpful because shame has been lifted so that people can speak out but also sad because it seems to be polarizing men and women.   She talked about how trauma impacts your energy and your soul and that healing happens by healing your nervous system.  She compared it to the electrical system melting or burning out as a result of the trauma.  She spoke about the energy being leached away and causing chronic fatigue, autoimmune disease and exhaustion and that healing the trauma brings the energy back and heals the body so these conditions no longer cause exist.   She talked about her book Blossom which is a self-help book to engage in this type of healing.  It starts with understanding the impact of trauma on the body, then learning to access feelings again and to feel them in the body.  As the work moves on, there is a particular tool that heals heals the energy system and she spoke about how powerful this is.  She said that using this every day has turned her entire life around.   Carolin does a lot of work with people in groups – and runs retreats each year.  She spoke about the power of group work as people who are on similar journeys learn from each other, support each other and bear witness.    Carolin said that healing from trauma does not need to be complicated.  And that putting one good tool into practice and doing it every day is enough.  She likened it to going to the gym and working on your muscles and that doing this daily creates great sometimes monumental changes if one is persistent.   Check these links: Https://www.womenintheflow.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/carolinhauser Twitter https://twitter.com/carolinhauser Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.

Sex Spoken Here:  Choosing the Right Sex Toy     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about choosing the right sex toy.   Joining me today, is Katy, the public relations director and resident sexologist at Adam and Eve.   Katy is a native of Tennessee (Go Vols!) and a graduate of the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, with a B.S. in Journalism and Public Relations. After working for Maytag and in publishing in New York, she started working at Adam & Eve in November of 1993 as a catalog copywriter (remember catalogs?!). In 1997, Katy was promoted to Adam & Eve Director of Public Relations. She received her certification in Clinical Sexology in 2017 and holds an Associate in Sex Education from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. She is currently working towards her AASECT certification as a Sex Educator. Personal: Divorced mother of two teen girls. Lives a block from ex and we still have weekly family dinners and even vacation together. Pescaterian (Mostly vegetarian but occasionally eats fish). Loves dogs, monkeys, travel and red wine.   We spoke about choosing a sex toy. We started by talking about the different types of toys available for women from clitoral stimulators to vibrators.  We talked about the toys available to men from masturbators to prostate stimulators and those for couples as well.  Cutting edge toys include Bluetooth controlled toys and prostate vibrators.  Katy said they have experienced an upsurge in sales for prostate stimulators and we both agreed that now there are a number of these toys marketed for heterosexual men.  We spoke about the increase in heterosexual men willing to consider prostate stimulation.   We spoke about how toys might develop and what virtual reality toys are coming.  All of the current ones are meant for one person to be having sex with a virtual character.  I asked about the possibility of ones where people could have sex with each other in the virtual sphere.  Katy raised the ethical issues that might come as a result of that including issues around cheating and underage use.  I suggested that raising ethical issues is a good idea as it gets people to think through their sexual and relationship choices.   We spoke about how sex toys have helped many women to reach orgasm who had not been able to without a toy and how they can help around menopause and after so that people can continue a healthy sexual life into their mature years.    I asked for a recommendation of a first toy and Katy said for women she would recommend a bullet vibrator or a pocket rocket.  For men, a masturbator.  She recommended that people try some less expensive toys out to figure out what works best for them.    Katy has graciously offered us a code ‘SPOKEN’ to use to get 50% off any one item at https://www.adamandeve.com.  So go and grab that must have toy now!   Check these links: Https://www.adameve.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/adamandeve   Twitter https://twitter.com/adamandeve Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Reboot:   Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 5:  Dr Sam Webster     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today is the fifth instalment of the sex love series.  Joining me today is Dr Sam Webster, Master of Divinity and Mage, my oldest friend. I started by asking Sam when he first became aware of his sexual self.  Sam told met this had two answers.  The first was at 5 or 6 when he became aware of his body and how good he could feel and the second was when he assigned the idea of sex to that and realised that other sex was interesting which was as a teen.  I asked Sam  to tell me about his background and culture.  He told me that he was born in New York and lived in the Bronx and when the neighbourhood changed his parents moved them to Long Island.  Sam grew up in a neighbourhood that was Italian Catholic, Irish Catholic and Jewish. He spoke of loving the ritual but not liking the hypocrisy.   We spoke about meeting at the beginning of university and of exploring together.  Sam talked about only recently understanding that he is gender fluid and how powerful this has been.  He said that I was his first consensual polyamorous relationship and I agreed.  We spoke about some of the difficulties of polyamory and some of the joys.    I asked Sam about his bisexuality and he told me that growing up it was made clear that sex between men was not acceptable, was sinful.  Sam said he was bullied for a number of other reasons so he chose not to add same sex relationships to the mix at that time.  He spoke about how hard it was first to allow himself to fully feel these sexual feelings and then to find partners.  We spoke about a couple of the experiences he has had.   Sam spoke about how his spiritual development in Thelemic magick was very much tied in with his sexuality and what it was like when this was the case – the power of the mix but also the issues it creates.  We spoke about coming full circle or rather around the spiral helix again.     We spoke of the importance of communication and of work on oneself and frequently people are afraid to do that work.  I asked about when he realised he was kinky and he laughed and we talked of starting to explore that together and how when you look at all these pieces it can be really hard to find partners to meet these needs and also that we both had a line of pretty bad choices.   Sam talked about how supportive and nourishing his current relationship is and we discussed finally being in a place to make a good choice.     Today we spoke about being gender fluid, being bisexual, being non-binary in general, kink, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-Christian and non-monotheistic spirituality, sex magick and sexual trauma. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: B is for Bisexual BDSM dating D/s Relationships Consent Communication Gender Fluid Risk Assessment in Relationships Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services.    

Welcome to my virtual therapy room.  My name is Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  This programme deals with adult topics so if you don’t have total privacy, you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week on Sex Spoken Here, my interview with Nikki Leigh on her Ready for Love Radio programme about Sexual Authenticity. We are talking about why authenticity is important and why sexual authenticity is essential for living a life of integrity and with freedom.   Sexual authenticity is when a person fully owns their desires, orientation, lifestyle, love style, relationship style and can express themselves comfortably.  When someone is authentic they are free to be fully present in all situations as they are not burdened by shame and embarrassment and self-conscious concerns.  They are confident and genuine and relate fully to their partners.   Thanks for joining me this week on Sex Spoken Here, for a free 30 minute discovery session to see how I can help you on your journey to sexual authenticity, head to my website at https://the-intimacy-coach.com and over to the contact page.   Click where it says ‘click here’ to schedule.   I look forward to seeing you next week. 

Reboot. Please enjoy: Sex Love Stories 4: A   Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 4:  A     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today is the fourth instalment of the sex love series.  I asked A to tell me about his background and culture.   A is in his late 60’s and grew up in an orthodox Jewish community in apartheid South Africa.  He talked about it being illegal to show a woman’s breasts in a film and in fact nudity was ‘verboten’.  He said that having playboy magazine could get you arrested.  A told me that they had one day of education in school to talk about how babies were made and that girls were not expected to enjoy sex at all.  Girls were expected to have sex for procreation and men were to enjoy sex.  He told me that there was a lot of shame around anything to do with intimacy.   A spoke about his first sexual experience being when he discovered himself in the bath and found he could create pleasure.    I asked about where he learned more about sex and he told me he was a voracious reader.  He told me he found a book on sex in marriage at a bookstore and bought it.  This is where he learned the knowledge that has allowed him to create pleasure for his partners.  He described the book as having line drawings as if it had pictures it would have been banned.    In an aside, A told me that the book Black Beauty was banned because these decisions were made by people who spoke Afrikans  and that they thought the book was about a beautiful black woman which was unacceptable.  They did not know it was about an horse!   I asked A about his first sexual experience and he told me he was 17 when he had sex for the first time with a girl he was in a relationship with.  He described the experience as fumbling but pleasureable.  He said he could not find where to put his penis because the drawings suggested the vagina was directly in front of the body rather than underneath.    A told me that he enjoyed most of his intimate experiences.  He spoke of preferring to talk about intimacy rather than sex because for him, a relationship is required.  He said that this is the reason he never used the services of sex workers.    I asked A about the worst sexual experiences he ever had.  He told me that one woman he was in a relationship with got up and walked out in the middle of sex a few times.  He said she never gave an explanation and he spent a year trying to figure out what was wrong, talking with her and trying to work things out.  She had no interest in talking about anything so he ended the relationship.  Years later, A learned about passive aggressive personality disorder and then understood that this had nothing to do with their sex life and everything to do with the relationship.   The second experience A described was when a woman he slept with wanted to ‘control everything’.  He said that he did not enjoy being dominated and did not wish to dominate anyone.  He prefers ‘togetherness’ so he ended that relationship.  I asked about the best sexual experiences he has had and A told me that as long as his partner is satisfied he feels wonderful.    I asked him for three pieces of advice he would give people in order to have great sex.  A said he was addressing men first.  The first piece of advice he got from the book he red at 14 and that is foreplay is essential for women to be ready for intimacy.  He remembered that the book said 7 minutes at least so his advice is ‘Always spend at least 7 minutes, preferably more, at foreplay.’  The second piece of advice was ‘Find out what your partner wants and do that.  Focus on your partner’s pleasure’ and the third was ‘Be kind.’  He spoke of women being ‘fragile underneath the armour’ that they show to the world.  His advice to women was to find out what her man enjoys and also to be kind.    We spoke about sexless relationships.  A talked about choosing to stay in his marriage to raise his daughters and that raising his daughters was better than ‘any intimacy could ever be.’  He said he would not have chosen to be in a sexless relationship but that nothing he tried was able to change things.   I asked about how it was re-entering the dating world in his 60’s.  He told me he needed to learn how to get a woman interested and once he learned that, he found a relationship that he is still in and that he is very contented to be in.  Finally we spoke about the myth that sex is over in your 50’s.  He told me that he sees no reason for intimacy to end and that he knew a woman of 87 who lost her husband.  When her son asked how she was doing, she replied ‘I miss the sex’.   Today we spoke about knowledge being essential, pleasure and intimacy going hand in hand, sexless relationships, reading is fundamental – learning from books, communication, foreplay and quite conventional relationships. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: Sexless Relationships 1 Foreplay Saying I love you Best sex advice books Passive Aggressive Behaviour Communication When Does Female Sexuality Peak?   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services.

Reboot, so please enjoy:   Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 1 Intro and My Story     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today I am starting a series that is different from the ones I usually do.  Since I started this podcast, I have covered different topics to do with sex, sexuality, gender and relationships over two or three weeks, looking at each topic in moderate depth.   In this new series, I am interviewing people from all walks of life about their journeys to sexual authenticity and integration.  Different people are in different places on their journeys.  Some are close to the beginning, others in the middle and still others have reached a place of authenticity and integration and their journeys are focused on more pleasure and more learning.    For each story, I’ll give a short summary and I will provide some advice or tips for further learning or help if you need it with any of the issues talked about during the story.     It is my hope that you will see yourself somewhere in these stories and you will gain support and inspiration from them.  Some of them are really hard in places and they also contain great joy.  Your sexual journey is as unique as your lip print (which is as unique as a fingerprint – as is your nose print, ear print and your eyes).   My journey is a long one, so grab a cup of tea, coffee or your favourite tipple, any nibbles you choose and get comfortable.  When you listen to these stories, try to listen without judgement.  Reflect on your own story and each unique piece that makes you authentically you.   Many people believe that all good stories begin ‘Once upon a time’ but that beginning is for a fairy tale and my story starts in the real world.   As a pre-teen, my fantasies were about having a master and living in a bottle like the show I Dream of Jeannie.  I created a decorated a bottle to live in.  I didn’t know why I wanted this, I just did.         By the time I reached my teens, the fantasy was more detailed.  There were Masters and Mistresses, and other slave women (for that is how I saw the genie).   I was sexually precocious for a number of reasons that I will leave for another day.  At 13, I was desperate to lose my virginity but I was ashamed of my desire.  I got it in my head that doing so at 13 would be too young and therefore make me a slut so I decided to wait until after my 14th birthday.  I had a boyfriend at the time and I made him wait until 10 days after my 14th birthday.   Before my birthday, I discovered the joys of blow jobs.  I loved the feelings that giving a blow job gave me.  My boyfriend counted himself lucky.   My boyfriend’s parents were divorced.  He was 16 and lived with his mom.  She didn’t mind him bringing me to his bedroom.  As a result, I lost my virginity in a comfortable room, in a clean comfortable bed, with Pink Floyd’s Darkside of the Moon album playing on the stereo.  We used condoms and he was careful to work on arousing me before the first penetration.  There was nothing at all traumatic about the experience.  It hurt a little but within a few minutes it was feeling good.   It was a great entry to the world of fucking and I have been grateful for this ever since.  When I finally did experience traumatic sex, I knew that sex could be seriously good which meant I knew it could be again.   Shortly after this, I had my first proper girlfriend.  I had fooled around with some of my female friends earlier – kissing here and there, an occasional fondle.  S was my first real girlfriend.  With her, I discovered the joys of eating pussy.  At that time, I preferred to be the one giving not receiving.      My desires to be forced, to be a slave, to be told what to do, just increased as time went on.  At 14, I got involved with Perry who was 18 while I was at summer camp.  He worked in the kitchen and I was a camper.  He was so sexy and wrote poetry.  He would read to me.  It wasn’t long before my parents broke us up.  The age difference was the main reason.  I had not even entered high school and he had already graduated and was headed to university.  Perry introduced me to proper erotica.   As I was and still am a voracious reader, I was in heaven.  I was relieved to see that there were other people like me, who had cravings like mine.  None of my friends who I tried to confide in understood my cravings at all.  I would end up feeling shamed when I spoke about my desires so I quickly learned not to speak of them.  I also loved sex and had no desire for a monogamous relationship.  This had me labelled as a slut very quickly.    The girls I got involved with didn’t want me to be with boys.  The boys I got involved with wanted me to bring the girls I liked home so they could watch but weren’t happy if I saw them separately.  High school was filled with experimentation and promiscuity.  I did not feel good about myself, however.  I had accepted what others were saying – that there was something wrong with wanting the things I wanted and something wrong with wanting sex with more than one person and something wrong with wanting boys and girls.    I read the Story of O and Return to the Chateau.  At 15 while at summer school, I saw the movie.  I also saw the movie Swept Away with Giancarlo Giannini.  I read 9 ½ weeks.  But I still hadn’t yet had a relationship that included much more than pushing my head down when I was giving head.   I went off to university at 17 in the autumn of 1980.  I was registering for English classes when I saw a lithe man with long hair, a goatee who was smoking a pipe.   I fell for him before we even spoke.  His presence struck me and when he introduced himself, I was stammering.  J and I began a relationship shortly after.  Our sex had more than a little power exchange.  There was some breath play and lots of intensity.  It was electrifying.  This was what I had been fantasising about since I was 9.   Our relationship was cut short by his live in girlfriend just before the end of my freshman year.  By this point, I was a bit less ashamed of my desires.  Some of them had begun to feel just a part of me.  I didn’t feel bad about my love for men and women.  I no longer beat myself up because I often loved more than one person at the same time.  I still felt pressure to fit in to my parent’s model of relationships but I was away at university so I felt a degree of freedom to experiment.    I started sophomore year with a re-newed relationship with J with D’s agreement.  This was my first proper foray into an ethical non-monogamous relationship.  It fit me beautifully.  I was thrilled to be able to be honest and I certainly didn’t want one partner.   The first semester was filled with exploration and lots of seriously hot sex.  I still had a small amount of shame about my desire to engage in rough sex and to be dominated, but I was feeling better and better about myself.   At the end of May, D introduced me to Alton telling me ‘I think you two will really hit it off.’.  Alton was 26 years old and I was just 19.  He was tall, slender with burnt sienna skin, a long-ish brown fro with a small white stripe – reminded me of a lightning bolt.  His eyes were captivating and his voice hit me right in the pussy – deep, smooth, liquid with plenty of bass.    The attraction was immediate.  We went out for a bite after work.  Alton drew all sorts of information out of me during that first talk.  I was unsophisticated and didn’t see how he was leading me.    By the time the evening came to an end, I was lost.  He took me home, kissed me goodnight and arranged to see me the next day.   Alton told me that women he dated had to agree to obey him or he didn’t get involved.  He promised we would go slowly and if there was anything I truly did not want to do, he wouldn’t press me.   He was one of my fantasies come to life.  It didn’t take me long to agree.    The next night, Alton came over and we had sex for hours.  It was hot, intense sex.  He was very large so it took me being extremely aroused to manage his size.   When I gagged on him, he pulled back, helped me to relax and try again.  It got easier to manage his size even when he was controlling the action. Orgasm had mostly alluded me during fucking and or having any kind of penetrative sex and my male lovers to that point didn’t eat pussy.  Orgasm with Alton felt easy.  His hands pulling my head back, his teeth on my neck and breasts while he pounded into me just seemed to work.   This was 1982 and I used a diaphragm for birth control so I didn’t use condoms.  I was careful to make sure my diaphragm was inserted properly.  I didn’t want to get pregnant.  I didn’t worry much about disease as I believed all the myths of the time about catching diseases and most of the things I might catch were relatively easily curable.  I was like most of my peers.  We felt invincible.   After a few days, Alton stopped leaving my place in the morning.  He didn’t move stuff in but he stayed.  10 days after we first went out, we headed out for a drink and his attitude was more serious.  There was an edge I hadn’t seen before.  I didn’t know that he had a cocaine addiction.  In fact, he used intravenously. I didn’t know he was withdrawing and that was making him really ratty.  I didn’t have access to money to give him.  My bills were paid by my parents.  My extra money came from the same job that Alton had – telesales.  I was a supervisor in the office, checking the sales made by the others.   We got to the bar and Alton began to interrogate me.  He asked questions about my other lovers.  He demanded details about what I had done, how I felt.  He told me he didn’t believe that I was committed to him.  He told me he thought I was a fake, not really submissive, not really willing to obey.  I felt confused, hurt and also scared that he would leave.  I was having the best sexual relationship of my life and I had strong feelings for him.  I didn’t want to lose him.  By the time we left, I was feeling off balance.  We were half way down Brookline Ave when he pushed me into a doorway and down to my knees.  He demanded I suck him off.  I was overwhelmed, frightened and a little excited.  My hesitation was met with a growl of ‘Obey!’.  I did and when he finished, he dragged me to my feet and we headed back to my flat.    From that evening, things changed.  Alton was rough and mean in his handling of me so at the end of the day, I said no.  I told him I wanted him to leave.  He laughed at me.  He came for me with a closed fist and began to beat me.  I was shocked, then I struggled but it did no good.  He was far stronger than I.  I screamed but no one came.  Eventually, I just took the beating.  When he finished, I couldn’t put my legs together as my thighs were too bruised.    For 5 days, Alton kept me captive.  He beat me repeatedly.  He raped me repeatedly.  He humiliated me.  Twice he choked me until there was no breath in me and I died.  When I came back it was to him pounding on my chest and giving me mouth to mouth.  He fed me nothing.  He poured alcohol down my throat.   Friends came to see me but I was too afraid to say what was going on directly.  I tried using code.  I was convinced he was going to kill me.   On the 6th morning, Alton got up, showered and dressed and told me he was going out and I wasn’t to talk to anyone or to go out.  An hour after he left, J came by and found me shaking and weak.   My face was covered in little red dots (called petechial hemmorhages) because he burst all my capilliaries strangling me.  The bruising on my vulva and my inner thighs was so severe that my skin was black.    I told J that I needed to get away, that I was in danger.  I packed a gym bag with socks, a t-shirt, sweats and butcher knife, a set of hand cuffs and my jewelry and my journal.  I wouldn’t tell J where I was going.  I was afraid Alton would find out.  I told him I would let him know when I was safe. I went into Cambridge and was lucky that a good Samaritan found me wandering aimlessly and took me to a café and bought me a meal.  I had no money with me.   He helped me contact D and she met me at the hospital.  The rape exam is a story for another time.   As is the story of the police, preliminary hearing and the eventual plea bargain because the DA was afraid to try to prosecute rape when I had slept with Alton consensually before.    I developed PTSD after this event.  Probably no surprise.  I entered therapy quickly with a lovely older man who was a Jungian analyst.  I remember very little of the contents of the therapy except that I remember a warm non-judgemental presence who helped me to be able to breathe and continue my studies but who was unable to help me get rid of the nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and the intense shame that despite all that Alton did to me, I still wanted rough sex and a dominant partner and there were some things that he did to me that I would fantasise about.    I found myself attracted to older men who had an edge.  These were Vietnam veterans who had PTSD. It was a strange coincidence.  I was now 20 years old and there wasn’t anywhere where I came into contact with veterans.  But I was involved with three in a row. All of them were 16 years or more older than I.   All of them were dominant but only with the last one did I enter any kind of stated power exchange relationship.  My liasions with women during this time were fleeting.   And all of my sexual relationships were tinged with shame.   I graduated from university and re-located to North Carolina where I met S.  This was my next power exchange relationship and I fell into it without really knowing what was happening.  I spent the next year exploring the dynamics of a dominant submissive relationship.  There was just one problem.  I couldn’t surrender.  I wanted to so badly but I couldn’t let go.  Orgasm eluded me as it had mostly since Alton because orgasm meant losing control.  I was fine if I was masturbating because I was safe.  With a partner, orgasm was nigh on impossible.  In the autumn, I left North Carolina for graduate school in clinical psychology in California.   Throughout graduate school, I took reckless sexual risks.  I hooked up with strangers to try out various kinks and BDSM.  Looking back, I’m lucky that I was not injured or killed.  I was in therapy during this time, still trying to get my PTSD symptoms to go away and deal with the resultant depression.  They did not.  Hypervigilance had me walking round the house at night, checking all the windows and doors repeatedly.  I lived with G for a year and he taught me that orgasm was much more likely if someone was eating my pussy.    I had a couple of girl friends who added evidence to this lesson.  I hooked up with J, G and T from university and indulged in group sex.  I spent time on Compuserve and on bulletin boards talking with people who were Masters, slaves, tops, bottoms and into all sorts of kinks.  I went to private parties and underground clubs.  I met K and had a whirlwind romance with elements of all of my desires and it ended badly.  I got involved with a woman who insisted that I was truly a lesbian and that the reason I was sexually unsatisfied was that I hadn’t found the right woman.   She wasn’t the right one.  (This has happened a lot – both men and women have felt the need to explain to me that if I found the right insert gender here I would be het or gay or monogamous or I wouldn’t want kink)   Then I met my first husband at a conference on PTSD and a treatment method called Traumatic Incident Reduction.  His accent did me in.  He was tall with dark hair, moustache and pale skin.  Extremely good looking.  I was on the rebound.    The initial sex was good though very vanilla.  There was no orgasm for me but I enjoyed the sex.     I signed up to experience TIR and spent a week working intensively with a facilitator.  It was nothing short of miraculous.  At the end of that week, my symptoms of PTSD were gone and most of them were never to return. (I still have some hypervigilance in certain situations and get tactile defensive).  I had my energy back.  I was no longer depressed.  I could sleep.  No more flashbacks.  3 months later I agreed to marry Stephen and 3 months after that I was living in the UK.   Stephen was alcoholic.  I hadn’t really understood that until he went into withdrawal before our first wedding date and ended up in hospital with a gastric bleed.  He agreed to stop drinking and did for three years.  Those three years were a nightmare.  Alcoholics who stop drinking are crazy for the first year or two of recovery depending up on the severity and length of the addiction and whether they are working a program.  He was not.  Our sex life was sporadic and not satisfactory for either of us.  I remember clearly when I complained that he didn’t wait for me to even get close to coming, he said that he didn’t care if I came as long as he got his.  When Stephen started drinking again, it got worse.   I had sex 12 times in 8 years.  I finally left.   I met up with N, 4 months later.  He gave me permission to play again.  After 8 years of no sex and at 35 years old, I was back out in the single world.  I did some personal spiritual work and personal development work that left me feeling comfortable with my desire to submit, surrender, be dominated and even comfortable with my more masochistic desires, feeling comfortable with my desire for non-monogamy and happy in my bisexuality.    I told N that I was finally ready to go back and explore BDSM and the rest of my kink.  We enjoyed swinging together and have stayed family to this day.    6 months later, I met my second husband, F.   In hindsight, my hormones were driving my choice of F.  He is 12 years younger than I and was happy to be a stay at home dad.  He was relatively inexperienced sexually and it was quickly apparent that we weren’t sexually compatible.    But my hormones drove me forward.  I wanted a baby and time was running out.  This was not conscious!  Before we married, we clearly made a contract about ethical non-monogamy.  We decided that we needed to talk with each other before seeing another person and that each of us had the right to say we didn’t want a relationship to begin or continue.  F wasn’t interested in any of the kink that captivated me but I wasn’t concerned because I could find other partners to meet those needs.    In theory, it should have worked well.  In practice, it was a disaster.    I had my incredible son and became very ill.  My sex life with F was non-existent.  I began to explore again following the terms of our ethical non-monogamy.  I caught F lying about an online hook up and making plans to bring her to our home when I was away on a business trip.  He apologised and said it wouldn’t happen again.    Two years later, he had a real life affair that lasted over 6 months.   He told me when the husband of the woman he had the affair with threatened to tell me.   We separated 6 months after I found out about the affair.   I spent time in 2004 and 2005 at sex positive and BDSM events in the UK. Time I spent running round with a pro Domme and a pro Master and their pro slave really got me to a place where I felt totally comfortable with all of my sexual self.  I finally felt that I was able to express myself authentically, congruently and with no apologies.     I was in a relationship when I found out about F’s affair.  I continued to pursue this relationship and 6 months later headed to a spirituality conference.  I met TJ, my current husband at this event.  We talked a lot and the electricity was apparent throughout but we didn’t act on it.   We maintained our friendship through FaceBook at first and then through Skype calls.  We had lunch when I visited my boyfriend three months after we first met and this led to our first kiss (He threw me over the bonnet of the car in the midst of a main road in Hollywood.  The kiss was so hot we stopped traffic).  Ours was a power exchange relationship from the start.  We spent time talking and negotiating and being clear about the form we wanted our relationship to take.  4 months later I accepted his collar.  This was in 2009.   In 2010, we attend our first public kink event together.  It was at this event that I met a butch woman with whom I would have a tumultuous two year D/s relationship.  He was there with his wife and the four of us got along really well.  It was 2011 before we managed to hook up and the relationship started with lots of promise.   In 2010, TJ and I started attending an annual BDSM event for POC which lead to attending an annual sex positive BDSM event for POC.  We have developed a circle of friends some of whom are playmates.  We have had the opportunity to play in public, play as a couple with another couple, indulge in some threesomes.    When my relationship the woman I met in 2010 ended in 2013, I entered another relationship with a woman I was close friends with to that point.  I have maintained a number of relationships with women since that time.   I adore my woman only time.      I finally live in congruence.  My sexuality is expressed authentically and I am free to continue to learn and explore.   I no longer have any shame about who I am or how I choose to live my life.  I love my husband, my beloved girlfriend, my friends with benefits.  I love attending sex positive events and trying new things even at the age of 54.   I am grateful to all of the people who have walked a part of this journey with me, including Alton, without whom I would not be the person I am today.  Alton forced me to look at myself from all angles, to learn to love every part of myself because I could not recover from what he did with me otherwise.      Today I talked about sexual trauma, dominance and submission, BDSM, kink, bisexuality and non-monogamy.  If any of these areas resonate for you and you need some help with any issues that arise, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com and I can provide you with resources for further learning or set up a discovery session to talk about what might help you further.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now! Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. 

Sex Spoken Here:  Strong Women and BDSM     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about strong women, BDSM and rough sex.    I am often asked how and why strong women can desire rough sex and if strong women who enter submissive relationships are really just play acting.  Submissive women are seen as easy to mold and passive in relationships.  While some submissive women are passive, many are strong, active women who find joy in surrendering and transferring authority to a dominant partner.  They enjoy service to someone who is stronger (or as strong) as they are.    I have talked about the basics of power exchange in the past.  But to recap In all relationships, there exists power exchange.  One person is in charge of X and the other in charge of Y.  In some relationships, there is a balance of power most of the time, an equal division of labour, responsibilities and decision making.  In other relationships, most of the power lies with one person who has overall responsibility, and control of decision making.      Many so called ordinary relationships contain similar types of power exchange.  In religious households, there are often strict division of roles and the man is often the one who is in charge as head of household with the woman deferring to him in all decisions.       Current thinking is that it is authority that is exchanged or transferred rather than power.  This concepts works better when looking at strong powerful submissives who continue to run many aspects of their lives.  The idea of taking power from a submissive rubs many dominants the wrong way.  They enjoy the power and the fact that they are given the authority to weald the power as they see fit. Why would a woman want to be submissive if not for religious conviction? For some of us, surrender is tantalising, exciting and ultimately a relief. As a strong woman, I am often in charge and in control whether it is to do with running my business or managing what needs to be done at home, social planning, financial planning, or parenting my teenage son.   When I was a teenager, I was often in charge of projects with friends and I learned early how to take responsibility and plan well so that my goals were reached.  I learned quickly that relying on other people often meant that things were not done the way I wanted them done or that they were not done at all.  I began to take more responsibility and more control in my life and became known as someone who could and would get things done.   Control felt good.  It felt safe.    I had difficulty with trust as a result of some early life experiences.  This made it even harder for me to give up control in any area of my life.  But more control can equal less pleasure as orgasm requires that you relinquish control.   At an early age, I found myself craving a dominant partner, someone who could take control from me, who could force me to surrender.    First I discovered romance novels, the type where the man carried the woman off and ravaged her.   I quickly discovered BDSM erotica and immersed myself in Story of O, Beauty’s tales amongst others.    My desire to submit grew.  When I began to have relationships that included BDSM, I discovered that submission and surrender were not easy for a girl who was so used to being in control.  I learned that in order to submit to someone, they had to be very intelligent, and someone I could respect and admire in the world.   In short, the person had to be stronger than I.  That is true to this day.  To some this sounds arrogant but I make no apologies.  I am a strong, highly intelligent, highly accomplished woman.      I am into BDSM and that includes rough sex and transfer of authority for me.  Some strong women are only into rough sex in the bedroom.  Rough sex is exciting, raw and powerful.  Giving up control to my stronger partner is liberating.  I can enjoy the experience of being brought to that edge of intense fear and pain then feeling it turn to intense pleasure.  Surrendering to the primal feelings is what energises me and pushes me into the most intense full body orgasms I have ever experienced.  It takes me out of my head, out of the knots in my body and pushes me through any barriers.   Rough sex is especially hot for strong women because it helps to push us further than we would often be able to go by ourselves.  When I consent to this type of sexual activity, I am choosing what I desire though I am turning control over to another.  It is my choice.  That takes strength and trust and is part of what makes it so unbelievably hot.    Often rough sex is cathartic and allows me to express and release any trapped emotions.     There is a myth that the submissive person is passive but this couldn’t be further from the truth.  The submissive is entirely engaged, connected to their partner.  The primal aspects allow us to shed all the shame that society heaps onto our sexual lives and sexual culture and to simply do what intuition guides us to do – listen to our bodies.    It requires significant strength to choose risky intense sex where you show up completely open and raw.  This makes rough sex exhilarating.   Rough sex allows me to let go of all my responsibilities for a time, let go of decision making for a time and simply respond.    It requires intense trust which once built enhances the relationship even further.   The element of surprise present whenever you transfer authority to someone else, turns on our dopamine receptors which bumps up the sexual pleasure.   Power is intoxicating – for both parties.  Sexual submission is active receptiveness – not passivity.   There is a feedback loop created between the dominant and the submissive that increases intensity and thus pleasure.  What people often don’t realise is that when this is integrated into the full relationship, this energy pervades all aspects of the relationship.  As a result, pleasure can be found in many activities that are not directly sexy.  For example, many of us find pleasure in simple service – preparing a meal and serving the meal can bring unexpected arousal as a result of being in a submissive posture and mind set.   Rough sex and BDSM provide an acceptable way for a partner to be selfish.  After negotiation around limits, the dominant takes what they want.  They control the rhythm of the relationship and the sex.    Once you know you want to incorporate elements of BDSM into your sex life, where do you begin?  Everything starts with consent. Consent is the difference between mind blowingly hot rough sex and rape.  And consent is not as simple as ‘yes do it.’     To gain consent, you discuss your fantasies, your past experiences, any trauma you have experienced, your limits (the things you won’t or don’t want to do).  The conversation should happen in a neutral space (eg not in the bedroom).    This conversation leads naturally into full negotiation of what you might do together, how the relationship will look – will a transfer of authority only happen in the bedroom or will this be part of your wider relationship?  All aspects are considered – including what ending the relationship might look like and the mechanism to re-negotiate.   Once you have negotiated, plan a date.  If this is new to both of you, remember that things don’t always go to plan and keep your sense of humour.   As you gain experience, you will learn to turn those failures into hot moments too.   BDSM is not one size fits all.  There are a variety of ways to incorporate this into your relationships.  Some people live a full leather lifestyle where the transfer of authority is part of every aspect of their relationships.  They abide by codes that include honour, integrity, authenticity.  Others restrict this to the bedroom.  Still others don’t get involved in any of the rough sex aspects and only become involved in a power exchange or transfer of authority.  For some, as for me, this is their primary sexual orientation.  This means that they find BDSM is what attracts them not the gender or sex of the partner.   More on these subjects in a future podcast.    Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says click here! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 3:  TJ     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today is the third instalment of the sex love series.  I have invited my husband, TJ Scott is retired teamster who worked for 26 years at Omega Cinema Props, the largest privately owned prop house in the US. He is a part time percussionist and artist.  He currently works at Otford Boarding Kennels in Kent, UK.   I asked TJ to tell me about his background and culture.  TJ describes himself as an African American military brat and a southerner.   TJ spoke about his first sexual awakening at age 5 and his first experience at age 7 playing more than just doctor with a 9 year old friend of his sister’s.  He spoke about losing his virginity – twice.    TJ spoke about being a bisexual man, being polyamorous and being kinky.  He spoke about a first marriage where sex was only happening if he was role playing one of his many Dungeons and Dragons characters.  When his first wife refused to have sex with him without the role play, the sex in the marriage ended.  He spoke about his second marriage where sex never really happened.    TJ spoke about being in our marriage – being able to express all of his sexual sides and that he looks forward to exploring more together in the future until we are two old and wrinkly raisins in the bed telling folks to go away because we ain’t dead yet.   Today we spoke about masturbation, bisexuality, virginity, Baptist culture and the impact on relationships, BDSM, sexless marriages and non-monogamy.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: B is for Bisexual Sexless Relationships 1 BDSM dating Virginity D/s Relationships Polyamorous D/s Relationships   You can find TJ’s art at: https://urceleb.deviantart.com/ Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.    

Sex Spoken Here:  Non-Monogamy – Friends with Benefits     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week we are talking about friends with benefits and other forms of non-monogamy.   Donna Davidge of Sewall House Yoga retreat is joining me today.  She has worked in the self-growth field for over 30 years, has a masters in nutrition, meditation, and yoga.  Donna spoke about writing an article for Yourtango.com on friends with benefits some years ago which was the impetus for this conversation.    We talked about the fact that there are many different reasons to enter a friends with benefits relationship.  Some of these are casual relationships and others are relationships that are long standing .  She spoke about feeling that many times women aren’t aware of their motivation entering relationships of this type and that they might want a monogamous relationship but not be willing to admit that to themselves.   I clarified the differences between polygamy, polyandry, polyamory and other types of non-monogamy.  We spoke about the different challenges in relationships that are non-monogamous.   We talked about people over 50 entering relationships of this type because they do not want to give up their independence and don’t wish to have to compromise too many areas of their lives.  We spoke about how when someone is older, they may well have built a very full life around them and that the desire for a sexual partner and companion can be met through friends with benefits type relationships or other non-traditional relationship structures.    Donna talked about how often people find relationship issues very difficult and that she believes it is particularly important for women to be really clear about their own wants and needs before entering into any relationship.                   Today we spoke about friends with benefits, non-monogamy, and sexual relationships when you are over 50.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Dr Bisbey has called in sick, so please enjoy again Risk Assesment Part 3. Sex Spoken Here: Risk Assessment Part 3 Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am finishing my series about risk assessment in relationships. We assess risks all the time.  Once we reach adulthood, we do most of our risk assessment without thinking.  When you are driving, you assess the risk of driving at a particular speed, of changing lanes, or driving in certain weather or traffic conditions.  We assess risk according to what we have learned about the risks inherent in any given situation.    We assess based on what we have learned from others, from books and other media, and from our own life experience. All of us travel with baggage.  Some with just a carry on and others with whole steamer trunks.  The problem isn’t the baggage itself but rather the uninspected contents.  If you are unaware of your own patterns, your risk assessment will be faulty so you will make poorer choices.  For some this means choosing relationships that turn out to be abusive ones for others this means choosing partners who cheat and for some this means choosing relationship after relationship with people who abuse or are dependent upon substances.  We tend to choose what feels familiar to us. I know my own patterns very well now as I have had lots of therapy, coaching and done other types of personal work.  It used to be that if I walked into a room of 300 people with only one alcoholic in the room, that would be the only person I was attracted to.  They would be the person that felt exciting, who smelled right to me.  Nowadays, I would be attracted to the people who have been clean and sober for more than 10 years, people who are adrenalin junkies and those who come from backgrounds where there was substance abuse but who have done their personal work.  I still like the edge but my pattern has changed because of the personal work I have done.  I recognise different qualities, different scents as attractive now.   The hardest thing for most of us is to admit we have made a mistake and this can get you injured or killed. Gavin de Becker is an expert on security, threat assessment, and personal protection.  He wrote a book called The Gift of Fear that I highly recommend everyone read.  In this book, he talks about how far we as human beings have moved from our primal senses.  Fear is the body’s way of alerting us to danger.  Many people no longer pay attention to fear or to gut instincts in which they feel uncomfortable.   De Becker talks about how essential it is that we learn to reintegrate our primal senses as they will keep us safer and ignoring them may get us injured or killed. Often people have an intense gut feeling and then talk themselves out of it.  You meet someone and you feel uncomfortable but you say to yourself ‘I’m being unfair’  or ‘I should give him a chance’.  It is amazing how often the gut instinct is correct.  I have interviewed many victims of sexual assault and rape over the years – some in therapy and others during my research on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  A full 60% of them have admitted to having a feeling that someone was ‘not right’ or a situation was ‘not safe’ and ignoring the feeling.  This lead them to blame themselves for their own assaults or rapes.  Self-blame is not useful in this situation.  What is though is to learn how important it is to pay attention to your hunches and gut instincts.  They are often correct because they are based on a whole host of perceptions that happen on a less than conscious level. Many of the people I have seen over the years have ignored countless warning signs in relationships.  Last week I spoke with Dr Sue Mandel about the red flags she talks about with her clients.  I use a system of red flags or warning signs to risk assess in any new relationship and I recommend that everyone do the same.  You may not choose the same warning signs that I do, but you should have a system of your own. Many people are afraid to do this because they believe on some deep level that if they walk away from a potential relationship, another one may not come along.  These people are conforming to the scarcity principle that says there are not enough ‘good people’ in the world and so that you must grab anyone you think is a ‘good person’ or you will end up alone.  This is a myth.  There are plenty of people in the world with whom you can have a relationship.  It is better to find the right person or people than to enter a relationship with someone who is dangerous, abusive or degrading (or even just a relationship with a person who is wrong for you but might be fine for someone else).    Many people are afraid to be alone and this stops them from risk assessing.  It is better to be alone and alive and healthy than the alternative.   For me, a red flag or warning sign says: ‘Stop and think’ or ‘‘get some distance’ First warning: I feel frightened, deeply anxious or my gut tells me something is off.  This is the most important warning sign to pay attention to.  I don’t wait to interpret this and I don’t suggest you do either.  I simply get out of the situation.  If you feel something is off, it usually is.  Delay can put you in danger or difficulty so don’t delay.  This has saved my life more than once. Don’t worry about how other people might think of you.  Don’t pass go.  Don’t collect £200 or $200, just get out of the situation.  See your fear as the gift that it is, the sign that tells you that you are in danger.  This one is especially important if you enjoy BDSM and power exchange and you are getting together with someone you don’t know well and don’t know much about. And speaking of that: One part of risk assessment is to find out what you can about the person that you are entering a relationship with.  Observe their behaviour with you, with friends and family, with people in the restaurant.  Check out the stories they tell you.  Consider talking to x partners and friends.  Do a background check. Do your homework.  Do your due diligence.  If they aren’t comfortable with you doing that, think twice about the relationship. Types of warning signs: Many brief intense relationships that ended badly. This might mean the person has difficulty managing their own intense emotions and expressing emotions appropriately.  It might mean they have overly high expectations of a partner. Unwillingness to give you full contact details.  This is only a warning sign if this persists after you start properly dating each other.  At first or second meeting, in the information age, it is not unusual for people to want to hold back some of their details.  Remember to be aware of signs of catfishing.  If you are meeting people online, it is possible that the person is not who they say they are.  If things are not adding up, information makes no sense, you feel that someone is playing with you – pay attention to these feelings. Extremely sensitive to anything that approaches criticism or to you if you have a different opinion from theirs. People who have these issues can be volatile and often have lots of drama in their lives.   Stalking behaviours:  Shows up where you don’t expect them to be, texts many many times per day when you have just met, doesn’t observe boundaries you set, ‘surprises’ you at work or at home, is constantly following all your social media.  This can feel very flattering at first but will quickly feel uncomfortable and can become dangerous. Must control every aspect of a date, conversation, meal.  When someone is immediately extremely controlling (without your consent), this is a sign of deeper issues.  Demonstrations of intense jealousy when you haven’t known each other very long or of time you spend with friends, family, at work.   This highlights insecurity and the need to control and does not bode well for safe, happy, healthy relationships.   Empathy is essential to a good relationship.  Empathy is the ability to feel things from another’s point of view, to understand and share their feelings.  If a person cannot take the viewpoint of another, cannot see things from another’s vantage point it is unlikely that they will be able to share another’s feelings.    Some people can approximate empathy but don’t truly feel it.    People who don’t have empathy don’t consider how their actions might impact upon others and cannot put themselves in another’s shoes to see how the words they choose or the things they do might cause another to feel.   Black and white thinking: People who cannot tolerate any ambivalence swing from positives to negatives.  They find it difficult to stay connected to someone positively if the person has done something that has caused them to be upset or feel angry.  You are either the most wonderful person on the planet or the devil incarnate.  They swing back and forth and it can be hard for others to know where they stand.  They have unrealistic expectations of others and project their own fantasy viewpoints on to others.   Inability to take responsibility and apologise.  This is a big warning sign.  People who cannot take responsibility for their actions and mistakes, thoughts and feelings, cannot learn and so don’t change.  They don’t apologise because they cannot see how any outcome is their responsibility.  They often also lack empathy so they cannot imagine how others feel.   Inability to control intense emotions.  People who cannot soothe themselves take out all of their feelings at full intensity on those around them.  They are often volatile, sometimes violent and require immediate and constant attention.    These are just a few of the warning signs.  Risk assessment is about being observant, being conscious of your own biases, your own history and patterns, being able to separate your feelings from those of others and listening to your primal senses (and acting on them).  Risk assessment is an on-going process.  Once you are well versed and have practiced a lot, it becomes second nature.      If you do it well, your relationships will be filled with excitement and pleasure and be long lasting.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Sex Spoken Here:  Sex and Being Trans – E’s Story     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I’m talking with E about being a pre-operative transsexual person and how this impacts sexual relationships.   E is at 20 year old trans male who lives in Texas who says he is a ‘huge nerd and adore Harry Potter.  I love to laugh and people tell me I am very deep.’   Welcome to the show.  Erik spoke about being at the stage of saving for hormone treatment and feeling that it was a bit late at 20 years old.  He spoke about how awkward it can be having a female body and identifying as a male when trying to make sexual connections.  He spoke about the importance of people using the pronouns that the person identifies as the ones they prefer and how important talking about sex and gender is when meeting a prospective partner.  He said that he always looks to make sure that things are clear when he first meets someone and that though it is often awkward at the beginning it is less awkward than when this is left until just before something sexual happens.   Erik emphasised respect as one of the most important things when dealing with someone from a different gender identification.   Today we spoke about being a pre-operative transsexual, negotiating sexual relationships, If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Check out the KinkD app (@kinkDApp on Twitter) for all your kink connection needs.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you next week.    

From the archives, have another listen to: Sexless Relationships Part 1   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am starting my series on sexless relationships.  There are far more sexless long term relationships than you might imagine.  Here I am not referring to relationships that are sexless by choice.  These relationships become sexless for a wide variety of reasons and the impact on the overall relationship and the mental health of the people involved in the relationship is often intense.  Joining me today is Dr Zoe Shaw.  Dr. Zoe shaw is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship and Life coach, writer, speaker and radio talk show host. She helps struggling Superwoman ditch their stress, love their life And thrive in beautiful chaos by giving encouragement, tips, insight and skills to apply in all areas of their lives.   We started by talking about the fact that there are many more sexless relationships than people talked about.  Zoe talked about the fact that often the reasons for the lack of sex have nothing to do with sex per se.  She spoke about the fact that often clients won’t mention sex unless the therapist or coach asks about sex directly.  We spoke about the fact that the biggest problem is that couples don’t talk about sex and don’t talk about the problems when there are problems.   We spoke about desire being an issue that is sometimes physically based and that it can be important to see a doctor to find out.  We spoke about deciding to go ahead and try sex even when desire isn’t there – skipping desire and moving straight to the arousal stage – and that often people will find that they really enjoy sex when they do this.  Zoe highlighted the fact that this still takes a conversation.   Zoe mentioned that the person who says no often holds the power and that this can be abused.  We spoke about partners being afraid to reach out an initiate sex because they are concerned that they will be rejected.  We spoke about people sometimes feeling more comfortable talking to strangers where they feel they have nothing to lose.  Zoe also mentioned that if you are too emotionally intimate, feel like your partner is your best friend/brother/sister, the incest taboo can kick in and make desire for your partner difficult.  We spoke about how difficult conversations about vaginal pain and erectile dysfunction can be but that if you don’t talk about these things, the outcome for your relationship will be worse.  We spoke about how many couples never share their sexual desires and fantasies and how agreeing to do this can bring a new stage of excitement and discovery to your sexual relationship. You can find Dr Zoe Shaw at Website: www.drzoeshaw.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/drzoeshaw Twitter: @drzoeshaw Instagram @drzoeshaw Or check out the Dr Zoe Show on iTunes or Sticher.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self. Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Sex Spoken Here:  Relationship Resolutions     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Happy New Year!  This week most people are making their New Year’s resolutions to try to get the year off to a great start.  Each year at this time, I like to make relationship resolutions.   When I work with couples, I spend time helping them to create a solid foundation to their relationship that includes clear routines and rituals.  Both routines and rituals help to create a solid rhythm for the relationship.  Rituals mark occasions in our relationships.  We use ritual to help create a safe and sacred space in which to celebrate or grieve.  Ritual provides us with ways to connect and reconnect.    Routines are equally helpful.  They provide a framework that keeps a relationship stable, helps people to be clear about roles and responsibilities and makes it easier for us to re-connect after conflict.   Traditional new year’s resolutions set out our intentions for the coming year.  Often they are focused around health and well-being.   The most common ones are losing x amount of weight, going to the gym (in order to lose x amount of weight and/or tone or build muscle), and quitting smoking and/or drinking.     People are more likely to follow through on their resolutions and keep them up if they frame them as goals and create action steps that lead to the goal instead of just intentions. In long term relationships, reviewing agreements and commitments and talking about desires, wants and needs is important if your relationship is to stay successful and to grow with you.   Reviewing this annually means that you are much more likely to catch issues early and be able to resolve them than if you only review when a problem arises.    To make this easier, I created this framework for relationship resolutions. Step 1:  Review your expectations All relationships contain expectations.  Many times, these are unspoken and this is the source of many upsets and chronic conflicts.    In my work with people, I recommend examining expectations and making them clear and explicit.    Initially, this means that you have to look at your own expectations of your partner (or a potential partner).  To do this thoroughly, you have to look at expectations in relation to all areas of your life together.   For example: Expectations in relation to how your partner looks, takes care of themselves, looks after their health (including mental health), drug and alcohol use, diet (vegan? Meat eater?), time spent with you, time spent with family (yours, theirs), time spent with friends (yours, theirs), employment and finance, sex and intimacy, cooking, house cleaning and repairing, religion and spiritual, activities, holidays, children, future goals.   This is not my full list but should give you an idea of how detailed this activity can be.   For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at mailto:drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.   Step 2: Review your agreements Review any agreements you have made.  Make sure highlight the ones you have kept and celebrate these.  The ones that have been broken should be examined and re-negotiated.  For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Step 3:  Set your goals for your relationship for the year Set goals for the mundane through to the extraordinary. Examples of mundane goals: Mary will do the ironing every week. John will rinse dinner dishes and put them the dishwasher and wash all pots/pans each evening before bed. Mary will walk the dog every morning. John will walk the dog every evening. Examples of enjoyable goals: Mary and John will have sex at least twice per week. Mary and John will take a weekend away every 8 weeks. Examples of extraordinary goals: We will go to a relationship retreat. We will take a honeymoon trip. We will attend a swingers club twice during the year. We will go to relationship coaching or therapy. When you set goals, note if they are long term, short term or full year long goals.  Be clear about who is doing what for each goal.  If it is a goal that requires both of you to do something in order to reach the goal, you will address each person’s responsibilities when looking at action steps.  Be clear how you will know the goal has been reached.  For a goal that has a number attached to it (like ‘Attend a burlesque show on two date nights’), it is easy to see how you will know the goal has been reached.   For a goal like ‘Create a brilliant sex life’, it is harder to tell if the goal has been reached unless you both define how you will know that you have reached the goal.  Think about how you will feel, what reaching the goal will look like, what will happen and/or be accomplished, what will it sound like.    Write a detailed description of what reaching the goal looks like. For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Step 4: Set action steps for each goal. When creating action steps, make sure the steps are manageable chunks.  For example: For the goal: ‘We will attend a swingers’ club twice during the year.’  ‘Book the tickets’ is a manageable step.   Listing no action steps would make the goal potentially unmanageable.   Make sure to be clear who is responsible for which action steps.    Be clear how you will know that the action step has been completed.  Make sure you order the steps well.  Some people like to make maps or flow charts.  For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Step 5: How will you manage conflict or difficulty around the goal? If you are having trouble making progress towards the goal, how will you manage this?  This is where you want to come up with how to deal with conflict, re-negotiate or if you will decide to abandon a goal.    You can also look at incentives here to make it easier to make progress towards the goal. For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Step 6: How will you celebrate reaching the goal? If the goal was a mundane one, celebrating completing it is a great idea.  If you do all the chores you agreed to in the first quarter of the year, what will the reward be?  If you complete the whole year and do all the chores, what will the reward be then?  Make sure to spend some time talking about what you each find rewarding.  Look at tangibles (food, drink, shoes, video games, jewellery etc.), experiences (spa visits, holidays, sporting events, tickets to concerts etc.), somewhat intangibles (King/Queen for a day, a massage from your partner, special sexual favours from your partner).  For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Some people find that it much easier to do this work with the help of a coach.  For others, the help of a coach becomes essential when they run into conflict.  Here are my tips about when you should prioritise getting some help: When you have a conflict, there is violence Violence in a relationship is not acceptable.  Professional help can teach you other ways to manage conflict that are safe and productive. You cannot approach a topic without an argument If you argue every time you approach a particular topic, it can be very hard to break this pattern without someone who is neutral to help change the cycle.   A relationship specialist can help you identify the pattern and teach you a variety of ways to manage conflict that avoid a cyclical argument that never reaches a conclusion. When you have a conflict, it becomes personal. Personal attacks cause trust and intimacy to decrease.  They make conflicts last longer and cut deeper.  Personal attacks are harder to forgive and good will disappears for longer so re-connecting is harder. When you have a conflict, it becomes heated Heated conflicts are harder to manage.  If you have skills to reduce the temperature, then professional input is probably not needed.  If you find reducing the temperature difficult or impossible, then you would benefit from professional help. Conflicts don’t resolve. Lots of couples have the same argument over and over again.  Some have the same issue arise no matter what the argument is.  This can make it hard to approach your partner to resolve a difference as people begin to dread the never-ending argument.    A relationship specialist can help you learn to let go of the past emotional charge and methods of arguing constructively.   Having a neutral third person who has expertise in sex, intimacy and relationships as well as communication and negotiation will make all of these tasks easier.   One of the most valuable outcomes from good relationship work is the acquisition of new skills which you can apply to all areas of your life.   Routines and rituals are often built out of our goals.  Relationship resolutions can be the start to building out a structure and foundation.  Structures are important because they reinforce the stability of the relationship when times are stressful.  They act as our touchstones so we can explore as we know we have stability and love in our relationship back home.  They make it possible to weather difficult patches in the relationship as they remind us that our partners have our backs, that there has been stability and can be again, that there is a strong foundation to return to.   Today I spoke about relationship resolutions, goals, intentions, action planning, expectations and agreements, routines and rituals. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you enjoy the show.  I look forward to seeing you next week.    

In time for New Year's Eve parties, just a reminder about consent. Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am starting my series on risk assessment in relationships with the topic of consent.  Consent is the foundation for all sexual agreements and relationships.   Some feel the current emphasis on consent is too intense and make fun of the idea of having to ask for permission each step of the way in a sexual encounter.  Others feel that we don’t take consent seriously and we make too many assumptions. Joining me today to discuss this is Kitty Stryker.  Kitty Stryker is a Degenderette, writer, queer activist, and authority on developing a consent culture in alternative communities. She was the founder of ConsentCulture.com, a website that ran for 4 years as a hub for LGBT/kinky/poly folks looking for a sex critical approach to relationships, which will be relaunched on 2017. Kitty also cofounded the artsy sexy party Kinky Salon London, as well as being head of cosplay for queer gaming convention GaymerX. Having finished "Ask: Building Consent Culture", an anthology through Thorntree Press coming out in October, Kitty tours internationally speaking at universities and conferences about feminism, sex work, body positivity, queer politics, and more. She lives in Oakland, California with her wife, boyfriend, and two cats, Foucault and Nietzsche. We started by talking about issues around consent and the reasons for Kitty starting ConsentCulture.com.    Kitty spoke about how hard it is for people to take responsibility and then look at changing behaviour.  She spoke about the problems in the alternative sexuality communities when consent violations occur.  Often calling the police makes things worse as the police are not necessarily friendly to kinky, LGBT or people of colour.  She spoke about the need for communities to come up with a clear plan to resolve these situations that don’t simply involve calling someone out and then isolating that person from the community. We spoke about how hard it can be to give proper consent when alcohol or drugs are involved.  Kitty advises people to consider if they are willing to go to jail for the person and the activity they are about to undertake.  She highlights the fact that we all make mistakes in this area and violate consent.  It may be as simple as hugging an acquaintance who didn’t want to be hugged or as serious as rape.  We spoke about how it can be hard to draw your own boundaries and how this can be especially difficult if you are involved in power exchange.  Kitty spoke about the reasons that people don’t use a safe word even when they should and said that she had done some research that found that often women refuse to do so because they want to please a partner and men are more likely to just want to be seen as tough.  She spoke about sitting down and actually looking at how her boundaries had been violated over the years and how she had just brushed this off rather than dealing with the issues.  We spoke about things like playing in a public situation and how difficult it is for people to find a way to protect themselves without feeling like they are causing drama in public. We spoke about the trauma that perpetrators experience and the fact that they too need help to resolve any shame and guilt.  Kitty highlighted that when we talk about consent in sexual relationships it is only an opening conversation to discussing all the places in which we need to think about boundaries and consent in society.  She highlighted things like consent in medical situations, and where information is shared, and education. Kitty’s book will come out in October.  If you want to pre-order, here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Building-Consent-Kitty-Stryker/dp/1944934251/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497383382&sr=8-1&keywords=ask+building+consent+culture The website for the book is https://consentculture.com/  Website where stories have been gathered about consent to help deepen understanding https://medium.com/consent-culture-a-conversation Website Link http://kittystryker.com/   Facebook link https://www.facebook.com/officiallykittystryker/   twitter link https://twitter.com/kittystryker Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.  If there was something you didn’t like, tell me that too! Follow me on twitter @drbisbey, Instagram @drbisbey and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now! If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and leave a review on iTunes.    Sign up to find out more here   

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  Isabelle Lauren   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today I have another sex love story for you.  We will be talking about female sexuality, problems with libido and the joy of regaining it.    Joining me is Isabelle Lauren.  She is a 40 year old married mother of two who loves blogging about sex.  She struggled with endometriosis for most of her adult life and has now experienced a sexual reawakening after a hysterectomy 18 months ago and is enjoying her newfound libido.  She is passionate about female sexuality.   Isabelle Lauren is a sex blogger who is passionate about promoting female sexuality.  She is a 40 year old married mother of tw who has experienced a sexual reawakening after having had a hysterectomy a year and a half ago.  She writes openly about sex on her blog, reviews the odd sex toy and writes some erotica.   I asked Isabelle to tell me about her background and culture.   She told me she is Dutch and was brought up in a conservative Christian home.    I asked about her first sexual awareness and she said that she had no real sexual awareness before her first boyfriend at 19 years old as her family did not talk about sex.  She said that she was brought up that sex is for procreation only and that she was given the biological facts with very little else and no knowledge about pleasure at all.    She described her first sexual experience as very pleasurable though looking back she was dismayed that the man had to teach her about her own body because she had no idea what orgasm was or what the feelings she was having were.  She said that after this relationship ended she met her husband who had a lot of sexual experience.  She described this as good for her at the time but again that she felt dismayed that she did not know about her own body.  She said they had an active sex life and high libidos.   Isabelle said that her endometriosis began when she was 12 and that she had considerable pain around her period.  She said that she had problems on and off and after the birth of her first child, she had treatment.  This helped but the growths came back following the birth of her second child and that becoming aroused would cause pain.  She later found out that this is because she also had growths in the uterine wall so anytime her uterus contracted (like with arousal) she experienced pain.  This led to a complete loss of libido and so her marriage became sexless for a number of years until she had a hysterectomy 18 months ago.  She spoke about how hard this was on their relationship and that she would give him oral sex yet she could not enter into it and allow herself to get turned on or she would experience pain.   Isabelle said that her libido returned as soon as she had the hysterectomy and she has been enjoying her renewed sex life with her husband.  She says that her libido is now higher than her husband’s libido and that she has discovered sex toys that are amazing.  She said she began to blog about sex and found a community of people who had similar experiences and how important it was to be able to talk with people about all aspects of sex and sexuality.  She talked about joining Scarlet Ladies and how much she enjoys the community.    She said that she and her husband are much closer now that they have been able to resume their sex life and spoke of being grateful that he stuck with her throughout this long ordeal.   You can find Isabelle at: https://isabellelauren.com https://twitter.com/romanticisa   Today we spoke about lack of libido, reawakening libido, endometriosis, and the importance of understanding your body and being able to communicate about what turns you on.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.  In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: L is for Libido S is for Sexless Marriage Sexless Relationships part 1 Sexless Relationships part 2   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. Is non-monogamy for you? What about Kink? BDSM? Role Play? Take my free test and learn how to add that to your sex life.    

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  R   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Today we will be talking about bisexuality and BDSM. Joining me is Rudo Mashongomende.  She is 33 years old, bisexual and she works in fashion. She has always been drawn to the world of BDSM but always felt, or was made to feel that it was a sordid world, so clearly she was perverted. She realises now that even as a teen she didn’t mind that, but finding like minded people, just to discuss it was the problem. She found Scarlet Ladies this year, and she was proudly part of their #italksex campaign. Turning 30 was very positive for her because she finally felt like she was in her prime, so she is allowing herself to do things she’s always been curious about. She went to her first Torture Garden last month, and she will now go to fetish events regularly, say once a every month or two. She has two subs whom she has just acquired, so she’s enjoying building dynamics with each of them. Being dominant feels so wonderfully natural, and is an effective outlet for the stresses of everyday life!   I asked Rudo to tell me about her background and culture.   Rudo is Black British and is proud of this identification.   She was raised Catholic and by choice attended church until she was 18.   I asked about her first sexual awareness and she told me that she first found she had an interest in some of the catalogue models in the men’s underwear section when she was about 11.  She spoke of noticing ‘the bulges’ and having a physical response and even cutting out one picture to keep.  She spoke about losing her virginity at 17 to a boyfriend and that this was a really positive experience.  We spoke about how lucky she was to have a positive first sexual experience and she says that she still remembers it well.    Rudo talked about being heterosexual through university.   She told me she went to school in Brighton and that she went to a few gay bars and was aware of an attraction to women but didn’t want to act on it or even fully acknowledge this.  She spoke about moving back to London and living with a partner for 5 years and during that relationship telling him that she realised she was attracted to women and wanted to have a threesome to explore this attraction.   In the end, this didn’t happen and it wasn’t until after the relationship ended that she began to explore.   Rudo talked about finding a group through Meetup and making friends with bisexual women and that meeting people to experiment with flowed from here.    From there, we spoke about her interest in BDSM.  She spoke about enjoying power exchange and enjoying being dominant.  She spoke about finding partners through the Whiplr app and we talked a bit about the use of apps to find partners.   Finally we talked about Scarlet Ladies and the #italksex campaign and 23 Paul Street.  Rudo spoke of her belief in gender equality especially when it comes to sex and desire.  She spoke of the importance of speaking out in public so that change happens.  We spoke about the joys of Scarlet Ladies and the wonders of 23 Paul Street.   You can find Rudo at: https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/italksex-because-they-cant-we-can-and-we-should/ https://twitter.com/stylist_face https://instagram.com/stylist_face   23 Paul Street is the Gentleman’s Club we discussed. You can find out more about Scarlet Ladies here.   Today we spoke about the transition from heterosexuality to bisexuality, BDSM and in particular dominant women, and the importance of gender equality when it comes to sex and desire.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: BDSM and Power Exchange Practicalities BDSM and Power Exchange Practicalities 1 BDSM: Dominant Couples BDSM Part 2 BDSM Part 1 From Ouch to OOO When Pain Turns You On Here’s What Guys Find So Freakin Hot about Rough Sex Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. Is non-monogamy for you? What about Kink? BDSM? Role Play? Take my free test and learn how to add that to your sex life.  

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  L     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    In today’s story, we will cover bisexuality and non-monogamy.  Joining me is L who is a bisexual woman in a long term relationship with a man.  She has recently moved into a polyamorous way of living.   I asked L to tell me about her background and culture.  She described herself as a CIS gendered white woman who was Welsh and had Welsh as a first language.  She crossed the border to England at 16.     I asked about her first sexual awareness and she said that she didn’t really have much of one as a child apart from the playing doctor type interactions.  She said that her first sexual experience was not pleasant and that looking back it was really non-consensual as she didn’t feel she could say no and she didn’t fully understand what was happening.   One theme of our conversation was the importance of education about pleasure and learning your own body so that you can communicate your needs to a partner.   L met her husband at 16 and they have been together since.  She spoke of always having an attraction to girls but not fully recognising this as a part of her until a few years ago.  She spoke of sharing this with her husband and then them talking about the possibility of opening the relationship.   L said at first that she simply wanted to share this part of herself with her husband and didn’t feel a need to act on anything.  Her husband didn’t want to be the reason that she did not explore this side of herself so they started the journey into non-monogamy.   L spoke of the changes they have experienced in the way they view non-monogamy and the ups and downs of making this transition.  She said that they both have on going relationships with others and that their relationship still remains central.  She spoke about the joy in sharing their experiences with each other and that they are closer now than before they chose to change their path.   We spoke about some of the issues around having a ‘primary’ relationship and the different responsibilities that come with being married to someone or cohabiting with someone.  L spoke about how much she enjoys the different experiences and that they have now had some experiences together which has also been a lot of fun.     Today we spoke about bisexuality, the transition to non-monogamy, and the importance of self-knowledge and self-love .  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: Non-Monogamy with Cooper S Beckett Non-monogamy with Dr Meg-John Barker Part 2 Non-monogamy with Dr Meg-John Barker Part 1 Freaked Out Your Partner Might Be Poly? How do I Know if Polyamory is for Me?   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. Is non-monogamy for you?  What about Kink? BDSM? Role Play? Take my free test and learn how to add that to your sex life.    

By popular demand, here is a re-issue of my April 2017 interview with Cooper S Becket about non-monogamy and bisexual men.   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Joining me today is Cooper Beckett. Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging. We started by talking about swinging and spoke about the swinging culture in the late 70’s early 80’s and how that went underground after the AIDS crisis began.  Cooper talked about the new renaissance that has existed since the internet has boomed and how much easier it is for people to find each other.  We spoke about the normative swingers – heterosexual male and a bisexual or bicurious female.  Cooper talked about how much more he has enjoyed having parties that are sex parties instead of swinging parties where there is a larger cross section of the non-monogamous community.  We spoke about the invisibility of the bisexual male and Cooper talked about the fear that heterosexual males demonstrate when confronted with male bisexuality but also about the attitude from some of the gay community that there is no such thing as bisexuality.  I agreed that this was also my experience and both of us spoke about the importance of identifying loudly as bisexual to educate others about bi-invisibility.  Cooper spoke about the prevalence of people who are ‘broken’ in some way in alternative communities and made it clear that he wasn’t talking damaged.  The example he used was the larger number of people with chronic illness who are seen in these communities and he suggested that people who have chronic illness look for things to make them feel less miserable and so explore more.  We spoke about how research in this area would be fascinating and he spoke about the need for research on prostate orgasm (as there is a suggestion of a correlation between regular prostate stimulation and lower levels of prostate cancer) but that there is no research money for any research on sexuality.  Cooper’s book, Approaching the Swingularity has just been released.  Click the link to purchase from his site www.coopersbeckett.com.  (Though it can also be purchased on Amazon.  As he is an independent publisher, purchases from his site give him more of the price so please consider purchasing directly).  You can also find him on twitter @coopersbeckett.  Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  Are you ready to find out what turns you on?  If so, take the test! https://the-intimacy-coach.com and press the button that says 'Take the Test'.  I look forward to seeing you next week with a new sex love story about polyamory and marriage.

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 6:  Anita Cassidy     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today is the sixth instalment of the sex love series.  Joining me today is author Anita Cassidy.  Anita describes herself as a white British woman, age 41 who grew up moving around a lot because her father was in the Royal Air Force.    We started with her first awareness of herself as a sexual being and she said that this wasn’t until she was 14 or 15.  She said she didn’t touch herself and that sex wasn’t talked about in her home.  She described her first awareness as noticing her body’s response to movies (and being uncomfortable watching them with her parents), enjoying the Sunday Sport images of naked women and stories about sex and described saving enough pennies to try to listen to the women talk on the phone sex lines.    Anita said her first proper sexual experience was when she was 17 and with a boyfriend.  She spoke about being ready to have sex and being excited to explore this new chapter of her life.  She talked about the next number of boyfriends she had where the relationships were good and the sex was pleasant if not exciting.   She spoke about stable relationships through university and then moving to London and moving in with her boyfriend.   Anita spoke about her first job in advertising sales for the Independent and that the atmosphere at work was very sexually charged and she enjoyed this.  She commented that this is interesting given current focus on sexual harassment and whether there is any place for sex and relationships in the workplace.   She talked about a period of time spent exploring and how much she enjoyed this and being the centre of attention.   Anita talked about reaching 26 and deciding it was time to be serious so that she was taken seriously.  She identifies this time as when she truly split her mind from her body and that she didn’t believe she could have both and exciting sexual life and a serious career.  Anita spoke of marrying and that the sex was ‘good enough’ but not really exciting.  She said that she was pregnant within 6 months of marriage and the focus became on having a family.  She said that they were not a couple who had no sex for many months and that they talked about making sure they were still having sex but said that they never talked about sexual desires, wants or needs.  Anita highlighted this as a theme throughout her life up to that point.   Anita spoke of realising she was bored and unhappy once her children were both in school and child care.  She said she ended up in a conversation with a man she met through her writing and that this was when she discovered kink and BDSM.  She described this as though someone had ‘walked through (my) mind and turned all the lights on’.  She spoke of reading Dr Meg-John Barker’s ‘Rewriting the Rules’ and asking her husband to read the book as well.  She talked about the painful conversation that led to them opening up their marriage.   Anita talked about finally integrating her sexual needs and desires and how amazing this is.  She spoke of this transforming the rest of her life. Anita’s book is available to pre-order now on Amazon.  Here is the link: Appetite   Today we spoke about being kinky, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-monogamy, the importance of congruence and communication, the wonders of being raised without shame around sexuality. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes. Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: BDSM dating D/s Relationships Consent Communication Non-Monogamy 1 Non-Monogamy 2 Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.  The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. I forward to next week’s sex love story.    

Sex Spoken Here:  Sexual Harassment, #metoo and the impact on current society from flirting to parenting     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    When the headlines broke about Harvey Weinstein, my first response was an internal sigh that in the 21st century men still feel free to oppress women.   As more and more women stood up to say #metoo, I found myself filling with rage as it became clear that this was the status quo rather than an anomaly.  Then as the allegations spread to other prominent men in Hollywood, in politics my rage turned to despair at how pervasive the harassment and intimidation is.   Initially, this played out over gender lines.  Prominent men sexually harassed women.  The focus was on entertainment and the arts and then it moved to politics.    Everyone agreed that this happened in companies and corporations too.    Then the allegations from men began.  Thus far these allegations have been against other men.  However, I have worked with many men who have been sexually harassed and assaulted by women over the years and women as well.    This is because sexual harassment is not about sex.  It is about power.  Sir John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton’s best known remark was ‘Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.  Great men are almost always bad men’.    Is this so or does power just tend to bring out a person’s pre-existing ethical standards?   Research suggests that power allows the true self to emerge.   Other research highlights the paradox of power which is that the personality traits that allow the person to gain power seem to disappear as soon as control is gained.  To gain power, you have to court the favour of the people who can put you in power.  However, people in power have more choices.  They are less likely to consider the position or situation of others as they did when they were trying to gain power.  This is, in part, because they are not expected to consider others.      When someone gains power, other people are often seen in terms of what they can do for the one in power and if the battle for power was a harsh one, they can be seen as the spoils of war.    Why else does power corrupt?  It inflates the ego and encourages us to act from unconscious or subconscious desire.  It grants license to act decisively seemingly without a concern about the consequences because people in power can feel they are insulated from responsibility.   People become hypocrites.  They may know the right thing to do but power allows them the ability to more easily rationalise unethical behaviour.    French philosopher Paul-Michel Foucault addressed the relationship between power and knowledge by looking at power dynamics and how they are used as a form of social control.  He emphasised that power changes our thinking drastically and that this in turn changes our behaviour.   If we are to address the pattern of sexual harassment in our society, we must address the changes in thinking that power creates.  In order to make any substantive changes, we have to deconstruct our long term ways of thinking about men and women, about the benefits of power, the permissions that power grants in any industry.  We need to look at the perceived rewards of reaching a place of power.     We also need to look at our definitions of personal boundaries.  These are the limits and rules that people create to identify acceptable and safe ways for others to interact with them and behave towards them and how they will react when other people violate those boundaries.  Boundaries are made up from our beliefs, attitudes, past experiences and societal norms.  Jacques Lacan saw these boundaries as layered in hierarchies from the societal boundaries, to smaller cultural subgroup boundaries to family boundaries and then to those of the individual.    These two concepts (power and boundaries) are central to the issue of sexual harassment.  From present society, the idea that a person in power has a right to violate personal physical and sexual boundaries pervades many workplace settings.  ‘He’s only flirting’ or ‘He doesn’t mean it’ are frequent excuses for boundary violations.   The lack of swift action when boundaries are violated only serves to keep these beliefs in place and strengthen them.    There is a saying ‘Strong fences make good neighbours.’  This is essential when talking about boundaries and rules in relation to appropriate behaviour in the workplace and sexual behaviour in the workplace.    Relationships work best when everyone knows what the boundaries and rules are in advance and agrees to them.   Sexual harassment works because it undermines respect, shames the person who is being harassed and diminishes his or her power.  Sexual harassment controls using fear and shame.    To get rid of its power, the fear and shame need to be broken.    Speaking out is step one to ending the fear and the shame and to setting clear solid boundaries.        One of the problems highlighted is the multiple meanings conveyed in our language and how we often don’t speak about sex and love directly.  This can lead to misunderstandings.  In addition, men and women communicate differently.   Joking about sex is a more male form of communication.    A number of people have suggested that perhaps harassment isn’t actually as prevalent but that there are just lots of misunderstandings. Unfortunately, this is bullshit.  People in power have used sex and sexuality to harass throughout history.    As an adult, I need to take responsibility for my boundaries.  There is law in place to address harassment now and although the journey of taking a complaint to court is an awful one, it is still a remedy available to me.  As an adult, I need to be clear about setting my boundaries and speaking out at the first sign of violation.  If someone flirts with me and I find this uncomfortable, I need to say so and I need to make sure that my behaviour is appropriate as well.  It isn’t OK if I flirt and then complain about someone flirting with me.      How do you set boundaries when you haven’t ever really learned the skill?  First examine your own experiences of being a victim of boundary violation or harassment. Sit down and think about the first time you experienced a boundary violation or sexual harassment.  How did you feel at the time?  How did you react?  Did you confront the person who violated you?  Did you tell anyone else?  Were there any sanctions?  How did you feel about the sanctions?  Does this incident still impact you today?  If so, how.  What needs to change to stop the impact?   Think about the next experience if there is one and ask yourself the same questions. Notice if you see a pattern of responses, reactions and if you have any new insights.   Next think about the times when you violated someone’s boundaries or sexually harassed them. Most people can find one experience where they violated someone’s boundaries. How did you feel at the time?  How did the person respond?  How did you feel when you understood that you had violated their boundaries and/or sexually harassed them?  Did you apologise?  Did you make amends?  Were there consequences?  How did you feel about the consequences?  Does this incident still impact you today? If so, how?  What needs to happen to stop the impact?   Next set new boundaries. To do this you need to figure out what your boundaries are.   I realise this sounds obvious however lots of people don’t pay attention to what they are comfortable with and uncomfortable with.  They allow others to make the decision until they feel violated and then they are upset and unsure as to what to do.   Write out your boundaries in relation to different settings. For example, you note that you don’t like to be hugged by people who you do not know well so you set this as a boundary for all settings.  You note that you don’t like to be touched at all by anyone you don’t know so you choose not to shake hands when you meet people.   Start practicing implementing your boundaries. Notice your own response as you do.  The more you practice the easier it will become.    If your boundaries are violated, practice handling the situation calmly and firmly.  Pay attention to the impact on you and the other party.    When you have completed these steps, you may gain new insight into your patterns of experience and this may lead to positive changes in feeling and behaviour.   If you find that you are still impacted by these experiences or if you see a long pattern of experiences, you may benefit from some specific therapy or coaching sessions to clarify the on-going issues and resolve any that are still problematic.   I have noticed that the focus on women being victimised via sexual harassment and sexual assault in other settings and the incidence of sexual abuse has led to some drastic changes in boundaries in school settings in particular and in workplace settings.    The pendulum has swung to the opposite pole in some settings.  Touch is no longer acceptable at all since all touch is seen as sexual and a violation of individual boundaries.  This trend is very worrying.  Touch is a necessary part of human life.  Lots of touch is healing and appropriate.  Teaching young children to see touch as inherently sexual and to see most sexual touch as ‘inappropriate’ will lead to a generation of adults who have even more shame and more issues around sex and sexuality.    It isn’t necessary for this to happen.  It is possible to create healthy boundaries around touch, sex and sexual curiosity without adding shame and fear to the messages.   Sexual curiosity is a normal part of sexual development.  First young children (as young as 18 months) discover their own bodies and experiment to see how their bodies respond.  Then young children become curious about the bodies of others.  Children of 3 and 4 will ask both same sex and opposite sex parents to see their genitals and ask questions about genitals if they do see their parents or siblings.    Responding with anger will create shame and upset.  There is nothing wrong with curiosity.  It is easy to teach a child that certain things (like masturbation) are to be done in private without shaming the child.    As children become curious, they become curious about their friends as well.  ‘Playing doctor’ and ‘playing house’  usually involve looking at each other’s private parts.  In the 1960’s and 70’s, children who were caught were told they shouldn’t do this but they were not severely punished.  Most adults understood that this was a normal part of development.  Sometimes it progressed to a kiss, sometimes a bit of touching but in a friendly way and without any coercion.    Adults sometimes shamed their children when they caught them but tended to do this on a mild level as it was not seen as serious.  It should not be seen as serious.  Healthy curiosity is positive.  Telling a child that being curious about someone’s hair, ears, or colour of skin is OK but being curious about their penis or vulva is not OK only serves to give a message that there is something different, shameful or wrong about those parts of our bodies.  Playing doctor or house is usually a co-operative activity.  The only time that adults should get concerned is if there is coercion or a child is trying to insert objects into the other child’s vagina or anus.  If you shame the child, you will teach the child that sexual exploration and questions are to be hidden, that there is something inherently ‘wrong’ with sex.   When we teach them that something is wrong with sex and their bodies, we set them up for boundary violations later on.  When we are shamed, we find it harder to speak up for ourselves.   When we see all parts of ourselves as positive, we find it much easier to react when someone treats us with disrespect or tries to violate our boundaries.    If I love myself and respect myself, I am far less likely to allow you to disrespect me.  If you do, I am much more likely to stand up and speak out.   When we try to criminalise normal sexual behaviour, we create problems for later.  The case in Wisconsin earlier this year when a 6 year old boy was charged with felony sexual assault on a 5 year old girl for playing ‘butt doctor’ with her is a perfect example.  The children were found playing.  She had her panties around her ankles and he was touching the outside of her bum.  The mother of the girl went to the police and the district attorney decided to charge this child.    I would laugh at the absurdity of this but the consequences are enormous.  The boy, if convicted, would have to register as a sex offender from when he was 18 years old.      The little girl was not upset.  The game was consensual.  What message are we giving this boy?  He is told he is ‘bad’ not that his behaviour is bad.  He doesn’t even understand why everyone is so upset with him.  Nor does his friend.  Her mother is very upset but she doesn’t understand why.  She, too, is shamed.    He is likely to develop anxiety at the least and he could develop symptoms of depression.    It will likely effect his sexual development which up until that point was healthy.    It isn’t difficult to tell the difference between sexual assault/abuse and playing doctor.  If a child is forcing another (usually much younger) child to engage in sexual acts or play, this is abusive.    If a child is upset by being touched or looked at and the other child does not stop, this is abusive.  Otherwise, it is experimentation.    We need to consider the messages we are giving our children as we work to teach men and women more equitable ways of relating to each other and to teach them to stop using sex and sexuality to control and denigrate others.   Pay attention to the specific education you give children around sex, gender and sexuality.      Today I spoke about sexual harassment, sexual assault, boundaries, violation of boundaries, ‘playing doctor’ and teaching children about sex, sexuality, gender and boundaries.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page.  Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher if you like the show. The next four people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services.      

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 5:  Dr Sam Webster     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today is the fifth instalment of the sex love series.  Joining me today is Dr Sam Webster, Master of Divinity and Mage, my oldest friend. I started by asking Sam when he first became aware of his sexual self.  Sam told met this had two answers.  The first was at 5 or 6 when he became aware of his body and how good he could feel and the second was when he assigned the idea of sex to that and realised that other sex was interesting which was as a teen.  I asked Sam  to tell me about his background and culture.  He told me that he was born in New York and lived in the Bronx and when the neighbourhood changed his parents moved them to Long Island.  Sam grew up in a neighbourhood that was Italian Catholic, Irish Catholic and Jewish. He spoke of loving the ritual but not liking the hypocrisy.   We spoke about meeting at the beginning of university and of exploring together.  Sam talked about only recently understanding that he is gender fluid and how powerful this has been.  He said that I was his first consensual polyamorous relationship and I agreed.  We spoke about some of the difficulties of polyamory and some of the joys.    I asked Sam about his bisexuality and he told me that growing up it was made clear that sex between men was not acceptable, was sinful.  Sam said he was bullied for a number of other reasons so he chose not to add same sex relationships to the mix at that time.  He spoke about how hard it was first to allow himself to fully feel these sexual feelings and then to find partners.  We spoke about a couple of the experiences he has had.   Sam spoke about how his spiritual development in Thelemic magick was very much tied in with his sexuality and what it was like when this was the case – the power of the mix but also the issues it creates.  We spoke about coming full circle or rather around the spiral helix again.     We spoke of the importance of communication and of work on oneself and frequently people are afraid to do that work.  I asked about when he realised he was kinky and he laughed and we talked of starting to explore that together and how when you look at all these pieces it can be really hard to find partners to meet these needs and also that we both had a line of pretty bad choices.   Sam talked about how supportive and nourishing his current relationship is and we discussed finally being in a place to make a good choice.     Today we spoke about being gender fluid, being bisexual, being non-binary in general, kink, BDSM, Master/slave relationships, non-Christian and non-monotheistic spirituality, sex magick and sexual trauma. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: B is for Bisexual BDSM dating D/s Relationships Consent Communication Gender Fluid Risk Assessment in Relationships Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. I forward to next week’s sex love story.    

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 4:  A     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today is the fourth instalment of the sex love series.  I asked A to tell me about his background and culture.   A is in his late 60’s and grew up in an orthodox Jewish community in apartheid South Africa.  He talked about it being illegal to show a woman’s breasts in a film and in fact nudity was ‘verboten’.  He said that having playboy magazine could get you arrested.  A told me that they had one day of education in school to talk about how babies were made and that girls were not expected to enjoy sex at all.  Girls were expected to have sex for procreation and men were to enjoy sex.  He told me that there was a lot of shame around anything to do with intimacy.   A spoke about his first sexual experience being when he discovered himself in the bath and found he could create pleasure.    I asked about where he learned more about sex and he told me he was a voracious reader.  He told me he found a book on sex in marriage at a bookstore and bought it.  This is where he learned the knowledge that has allowed him to create pleasure for his partners.  He described the book as having line drawings as if it had pictures it would have been banned.    In an aside, A told me that the book Black Beauty was banned because these decisions were made by people who spoke Afrikans  and that they thought the book was about a beautiful black woman which was unacceptable.  They did not know it was about an horse!   I asked A about his first sexual experience and he told me he was 17 when he had sex for the first time with a girl he was in a relationship with.  He described the experience as fumbling but pleasureable.  He said he could not find where to put his penis because the drawings suggested the vagina was directly in front of the body rather than underneath.    A told me that he enjoyed most of his intimate experiences.  He spoke of preferring to talk about intimacy rather than sex because for him, a relationship is required.  He said that this is the reason he never used the services of sex workers.    I asked A about the worst sexual experiences he ever had.  He told me that one woman he was in a relationship with got up and walked out in the middle of sex a few times.  He said she never gave an explanation and he spent a year trying to figure out what was wrong, talking with her and trying to work things out.  She had no interest in talking about anything so he ended the relationship.  Years later, A learned about passive aggressive personality disorder and then understood that this had nothing to do with their sex life and everything to do with the relationship.   The second experience A described was when a woman he slept with wanted to ‘control everything’.  He said that he did not enjoy being dominated and did not wish to dominate anyone.  He prefers ‘togetherness’ so he ended that relationship.  I asked about the best sexual experiences he has had and A told me that as long as his partner is satisfied he feels wonderful.    I asked him for three pieces of advice he would give people in order to have great sex.  A said he was addressing men first.  The first piece of advice he got from the book he red at 14 and that is foreplay is essential for women to be ready for intimacy.  He remembered that the book said 7 minutes at least so his advice is ‘Always spend at least 7 minutes, preferably more, at foreplay.’  The second piece of advice was ‘Find out what your partner wants and do that.  Focus on your partner’s pleasure’ and the third was ‘Be kind.’  He spoke of women being ‘fragile underneath the armour’ that they show to the world.  His advice to women was to find out what her man enjoys and also to be kind.    We spoke about sexless relationships.  A talked about choosing to stay in his marriage to raise his daughters and that raising his daughters was better than ‘any intimacy could ever be.’  He said he would not have chosen to be in a sexless relationship but that nothing he tried was able to change things.   I asked about how it was re-entering the dating world in his 60’s.  He told me he needed to learn how to get a woman interested and once he learned that, he found a relationship that he is still in and that he is very contented to be in.  Finally we spoke about the myth that sex is over in your 50’s.  He told me that he sees no reason for intimacy to end and that he knew a woman of 87 who lost her husband.  When her son asked how she was doing, she replied ‘I miss the sex’.   Today we spoke about knowledge being essential, pleasure and intimacy going hand in hand, sexless relationships, reading is fundamental – learning from books, communication, foreplay and quite conventional relationships. If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: Sexless Relationships 1 Foreplay Saying I love you Best sex advice books Passive Aggressive Behaviour Communication When Does Female Sexuality Peak?   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. I forward to next week’s sex love story.    

Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories 3:  TJ     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.    Today is the third instalment of the sex love series.  I have invited my husband, TJ Scott is retired teamster who worked for 26 years at Omega Cinema Props, the largest privately owned prop house in the US. He is a part time percussionist and artist.  He currently works at Otford Boarding Kennels in Kent, UK.   I asked TJ to tell me about his background and culture.  TJ describes himself as an African American military brat and a southerner.   TJ spoke about his first sexual awakening at age 5 and his first experience at age 7 playing more than just doctor with a 9 year old friend of his sister’s.  He spoke about losing his virginity – twice.    TJ spoke about being a bisexual man, being polyamorous and being kinky.  He spoke about a first marriage where sex was only happening if he was role playing one of his many Dungeons and Dragons characters.  When his first wife refused to have sex with him without the role play, the sex in the marriage ended.  He spoke about his second marriage where sex never really happened.    TJ spoke about being in our marriage – being able to express all of his sexual sides and that he looks forward to exploring more together in the future until we are two old and wrinkly raisins in the bed telling folks to go away because we ain’t dead yet.   Today we spoke about masturbation, bisexuality, virginity, Baptist culture and the impact on relationships, BDSM, sexless marriages and non-monogamy.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes.   Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: B is for Bisexual Sexless Relationships 1 BDSM dating Virginity D/s Relationships Polyamorous D/s Relationships   You can find TJ’s art at: https://urceleb.deviantart.com/ Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/and click the button that says Schedule Now! on the contact page. Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. I look forward to next week’s sex love story.    

Sex Spoken Here: Littles and Bigs and Age Play  TRIGGER WARNING     Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am starting my series on littles, bigs and age play.  This area of kink often really upsets people.  Many people see it as related to paedophilia which it is not or related to sexual abuse.    There are many layers to this area so I will spend a few weeks examining them in as much detail as I can.   Joining me to start the discussion is Kathleen Melch.  Kathleen Melch is a leatherwoman within the BDSM community. She has been publicly involved with the community for the last 15 years as an educator and a title holder. She considers the subject of Littles as her primary specialty. Uncovering her own little in her early twenties, it is her mission and joy to guide people who are littles, Bigs and the larger community.     Kathleen started by making the distinction between age play which is adults choosing to take on the persona of a child – more like a role play – and littles where people are actually psychologically and emotionally regressing to a particular age.  She made the point that in age play, consent is possible but that in her opinion with littles it is not.  She highlighted that this is because of the complete regression.  Kathleen said that littles are usually between age 3 and 8 and that middles are 8 to the tweens and that bigs are the people who look after/care for the little.   Flowing from her point about consent, Kathleen made clear that in her view there should be nothing sexual between a big and a little as that is incest and could be traumatising or re-traumatising.  She was clear that she does not see littles and bigs as a kink as a result.   She spoke about the explosion of littles on the BDSM kink scene in the last 10 years and that this has led to difficult situations where the space for littles is placed in the dungeon or in a sexual play space.  Kathleen was clear that she doesn’t think this is appropriate as you wouldn’t expose your 6 year old to an adult sexual space and it is essentially the same as the little, who is psychologically regressed, is in the mind space and emotional space of the child.   We spoke about the grey areas that fall between littles/bigs and age play.  For example, two littles playing doctor is age appropriate sexual play.   Spanking can be a grey area as the sexual pleasure encoding may have happened during a childhood incident in which there was no sexual content intended (e.g The adult was not sexually aroused.  They were administering punishment).  And spoke about the fact that some people choose to re-enact a scene from their own sexual abuse background in order to try to heal.     We spoke in great detail about the discomfort of people who are not interested in little/big relationships sharing adult space and the problems sex educators have when dealing with these relationships.  Kathleen was clear that she is very protective of littles and seeks to keep them safe in adult spaces.    Kathleen spoke about the need for bigs and adults who are engaging in age play to have education around the age regression and how to bring someone back to the adult age as well as around symptoms of trauma and dissociation. She spoke about the fact that after care is usually much more extensive in these situations. We spoke about the enjoyment people get out of age play and how some people find it extremely exciting to explore these taboo relationships and that these adults are able to consent to do this.   We also highlighted that none of this has to do with adults having any sexual interest in a biological child.  The interest is in an adult who is engaging in pretend.   We began to talk about some of the psychological issues that arise and when people need to consider seeking out professional support (psychotherapy for example).   We will continue that discussion in a later podcast in this series.   You can find Kathleen on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/kathleen.baars   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!   Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.  I look forward to seeing you next week for part two of all about age play.    

Sex Spoken Here: Sexless Relationships Part 2   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am continuing my series on sexless relationships.  Last week I was joined by Dr Zoe Shaw.  If you didn’t hear that one, go check it out.  This week I am joined by Dr Jane Guyn is a best selling author of "Too Busy to Get Busy - How to Fix Your (Almost) Sexless Relationship" - a practical book for couples who want to go deeper in their relationship, even if it's been a rocky road. She is the creator of the research based BEDROOM™ approach to increasing pleasure and satisfaction using 7 simple steps.   Jane Guyn is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, Professional Sex Coach, Core Energy Coach and registered nurse. She is also trained as a family planning nurse practitioner. She coaches individuals and couples who are ready to have the loving, passionate relationship they’ve always imagined. Jane has been passionately married for over 30 years. She lives in the beautiful mountain town of Bend, Oregon.   We started by talking about the numbers of sexless relationships.  Jane told us that a sexless relationship is defined as having sex 6 or less times per year and that 40% of cohabiting and 30% of married couples live in sexless relationships.  We talked about the lack of education that adds to creating this situation and the fact that people don’t learn to communicate about desire and their expectations are often so low that these issues are swept under the carpet.   We spoke of the taboo of talking about lack of libido and other sexual problems and the fact that people have no idea where to go for help.  We agreed that intensive work (Jane offers a VIP day for couples like I do) is often better because you make more progress quickly.  Jane highlighted the fact that there is a small window of hope and that if a couple doesn’t make progress quickly enough that window can close.   Jane spoke briefly about her BEDROOMÔ model briefly as a model that starts with the head to help people make sense of the issues they are encountering and then move from the head to the feelings and the body to solve the issues.   B is for barriers and she says that this is the place to start – looking at various barriers people have to having the sex life they desire.   We spoke about the fact that desire has no age limit and that there are no limits on sexual activity either.  She told the story of a couple in their 80’s where the woman got a broken hip during intercourse.  We spoke about the false ideas people have about sex after the age of 50.  We spoke about the communication and negotiation problems even people in the beginning of their sexual lives have because of not learning how to talk about emotions and to communicate with connection.   Jane has a 5 module course for women to help them create the sexual lives they desire that is starting now.  The course includes private group coaching and videos and can be found here.       You can find Dr Jane Guyn at Website: www.jayneguyn.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/drjayneguyn Twitter: @pleasure_plan   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!   Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher.  I look forward to seeing you next week.    

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am starting my series on sexless relationships.  There are far more sexless long term relationships than you might imagine.  Here I am not referring to relationships that are sexless by choice.  These relationships become sexless for a wide variety of reasons and the impact on the overall relationship and the mental health of the people involved in the relationship is often intense.  Joining me today is Dr Zoe Shaw.  Dr. Zoe shaw is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship and Life coach, writer, speaker and radio talk show host. She helps struggling Superwoman ditch their stress, love their life And thrive in beautiful chaos by giving encouragement, tips, insight and skills to apply in all areas of their lives.   We started by talking about the fact that there are many more sexless relationships than people talked about.  Zoe talked about the fact that often the reasons for the lack of sex have nothing to do with sex per se.  She spoke about the fact that often clients won’t mention sex unless the therapist or coach asks about sex directly.  We spoke about the fact that the biggest problem is that couples don’t talk about sex and don’t talk about the problems when there are problems.   We spoke about desire being an issue that is sometimes physically based and that it can be important to see a doctor to find out.  We spoke about deciding to go ahead and try sex even when desire isn’t there – skipping desire and moving straight to the arousal stage – and that often people will find that they really enjoy sex when they do this.  Zoe highlighted the fact that this still takes a conversation.   Zoe mentioned that the person who says no often holds the power and that this can be abused.  We spoke about partners being afraid to reach out an initiate sex because they are concerned that they will be rejected.  We spoke about people sometimes feeling more comfortable talking to strangers where they feel they have nothing to lose.  Zoe also mentioned that if you are too emotionally intimate, feel like your partner is your best friend/brother/sister, the incest taboo can kick in and make desire for your partner difficult.  We spoke about how difficult conversations about vaginal pain and erectile dysfunction can be but that if you don’t talk about these things, the outcome for your relationship will be worse.  We spoke about how many couples never share their sexual desires and fantasies and how agreeing to do this can bring a new stage of excitement and discovery to your sexual relationship. You can find Dr Zoe Shaw at Website: www.drzoeshaw.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/drzoeshaw Twitter: @drzoeshaw Instagram @drzoeshaw Or check out the Dr Zoe Show on iTunes or Sticher.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ I look forward to seeing you next week.    

To keep yourself safe in any relationship it is SO important to know yourself, your values, needs, and wants, so well that you can set and maintain strong boundaries. That means you have to be assertive.Today, we talked about what it means to have and manage sexual boundaries with guest, Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, from London, UK. A sex and intimacy coach, Dr. Lori had some very interesting insights on how to get across what's all right with you and to be clear about what's not!More about Dr. BisbeyDr Lori Beth is a Sex & Intimacy coach and psychologist who has worked with individuals, couples and polyamorous groups for the past 30 years to help them explore their sexuality, discover a deeper level of sexual congruence, heal from past sexual trauma as well as create more pleasurable, exciting, meaningful, authentic sexual relationships. On a mission to create more open dialogue about sex, sexual identity and self-expression, she hosts two popular podcasts The A to Z of Sex and Sex Spoken Here. She is also a passionate speaker, dynamic workshop facilitator and sought after expert in the media on the topics of sex, sexuality, intimacy, relationships and sexual trauma. Dr Lori Beth is polyamory and kink knowledgable and works with all genders and sexual orientations. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I finish my series about the care and feeding of the penis.  Joining me today is Dr Pat Williams. Dr. Pat has been a psychologist and Life coach for over three decades and focuses on people living on purpose, mentally, emotionally, and physically and spiritually.   Patrick Williams, Ed.D., MCC, is founder of The Institute for Life Coach Training, the first-of-its-kind training institute that specializes in training psychotherapists, psychologists, counsellors and helping professionals in building a successful coaching practice. He was licensed as a psychologist in 1980 and began executive coaching in 1990 with Hewlett Packard, IBM and Kodak. He was an International Coach Federation founding member and one of the first Master Certified Coaches. Dr Pat is a past ICF board member and past president of ACTO, (Association of Coach Training Organizations) and honorary VP of the International Society for Coaching Psychology Pat’s graduate education is in Humanistic and Transpersonal Psychology.   He co-authored Therapist as Life Coach: Transforming Your Practice and Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills, and Techniques to Enhance your Practice and Your life.  His best-selling book (with Diane Menendez), is Becoming a Professional Life Coach: Lessons from the Institute for Life Coach Training.    Pat also co-edited Law and Ethics of Coaching used at many academic institutions and training schools. His newest book,  Getting Naked: On Emotional Transparency at the Right Time, the Right Place and with the Right Person is available on Amazon and audiobooks.   We spent most of our time talking about how important it is to be authentic with a partner and to show up authentically.  Dr Pat spoke about the importance of being able to be naked emotionally with a partner before, during and after sex and we talked about how hard it is for men to be emotionally naked.    Dr Pat suggested that the millennials find sharing emotions easier and I agreed but said that we have not yet made as much progress as I had hoped.  Dr Pat suggested that there should be a broadway show ‘The Penis Monologues’ to compliment the Vagina Monologues and I agreed that this would be a brilliant idea.    We both agreed that men and women still find it hard to create that safe space where they can explore their emotions, work through difficult issues and bring their full selves – warts and all.   Dr Pat spoke about how many couples would have longer lasting relationships if they learned to express their full selves and how to work with the ups and downs in relationships.  We spoke about how men are not often taught how to deal with the different issues that arise at different stages of life.  I briefly mentioned the changes men go through physically and emotionally as they get older.  We then talked about how important touch is for all human beings.  Dr Pat highlighted that people are meant to be in relationship to each other.  I agreed and pointed out that people need to learn themselves first and he highlighted that people also learn themselves in relationships.   You can find Dr Pat at: Website: http://drpatwilliams.com Free gift for listeners: www.drpatwilliams.com/winner Facebook: http://facebook.com/doccoach Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/drpatwilliams/ Twitter: @drpatcoach He is also an expert on Yourtango.com and has a channel on the BonBonNetwork. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Join me next week when we will start talking about sexless relationships.    

To keep yourself safe in any relationship it is SO important to know yourself, your values, needs, and wants, so well that you can set and maintain strong boundaries. That means you have to be assertive.Today, we talked about what it means to have and manage sexual boundaries with guest, Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, from London, UK. A sex and intimacy coach, Dr. Lori had some very interesting insights on how to get across what's all right with you and to be clear about what's not!More about Dr. BisbeyDr Lori Beth is a Sex & Intimacy coach and psychologist who has worked with individuals, couples and polyamorous groups for the past 30 years to help them explore their sexuality, discover a deeper level of sexual congruence, heal from past sexual trauma as well as create more pleasurable, exciting, meaningful, authentic sexual relationships. On a mission to create more open dialogue about sex, sexual identity and self-expression, she hosts two popular podcasts The A to Z of Sex and Sex Spoken Here. She is also a passionate speaker, dynamic workshop facilitator and sought after expert in the media on the topics of sex, sexuality, intimacy, relationships and sexual trauma. Dr Lori Beth is polyamory and kink knowledgable and works with all genders and sexual orientations. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I start my series about the care and feeding of the penis.  Joining me today is GP Walsh. Son of a schizophrenic mother and an absent father, GP’s earliest memory is being tied to his bed, to keep him from wandering. The years of abuse and emotional deprivation were offset by a natural gift for and love of truth as we'll as an unquenchable curiosity about how people really heal and awaken. GP has spent a lifetime mastering those techniques and processes that liberate the mind and heart and bring healing to individuals, families and organizations. GP is the author of “The Tao of Allowing”, “Angels in the Basement”, “The Harmonious Human”, “Tapping on the Buddha”, “Just Allow It”, and numerous other ebooks, meditations and audio/video programs.  He is the Founder of The MasterHEART Institute, an Ordained Minister in the Universal Brotherhood Movement, a Member of the Association of Comprehensive Energy Psychology, the Evolutionary Business Council and was personally invited to be a member of the prestigious Transformational Leadership C ouncil by Jack Canfield, the organization’s founder. We started by talking about The Ball Project and GP told me about how he started it and how important having a place for men to talk about feelings and worries is especially in the current cultural climate.  We spoke about how men find it difficult to feel their feelings and express them and how often they feel emasculated.  GP spoke about the anger and rage men carry – some righteous and some not and that they do not learn to express this in productive ways and this makes them ill. We spoke about how all of this can cause impotency.  We went on to talk about retirement and the loss of relevance that men experience when they retire and how this can impact sexual functioning.  GP talked about how important it is for men to be doing something that matters and that men still identify themselves by the job they do.  We spoke about the fact that because there is a medication for impotence, men are not encouraged to look at their feelings and make the connection between mind, feelings and body that may resolve the problem without medication. We spoke about men using pornography as avoidance from fear of women, lack of understanding as to how to approach women and fear of the tough emotions like rejection.  We both agreed that looking at overuse of pornography as an addiction does nothing to help them men who are experiencing this problem.  We spoke about how difficult it is for men to be centred in now You can find GP Walsh at: Website: http://gpwalsh.com Facebook: http://facebook.com/GPWalshFB Twitter: http://twitter.com/gpwalsh.com Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Join me next for part 2 of the care and feeding of the penis.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am continuing my series about the care and feeding of the vagina. Joining me today to continue the discussion is Michele Brookhaus RSHom(NA), CCH, passionately embraces her mission as Yoni whisperer and soother of all things feminine. As Creator of Yoni Bliss, a homeopathic medicinal as well as a personal exploration and healing of both the physical and metaphysical vulva/womb, she fiercely acknowledges the power of the Yoni to direct and defend woman’s innate creativity and capacity for unbounded pleasure, wisdom and satisfaction. 20 years a homeopath and healer she studies with world renowned teachers in the fields of homeopathy, energy healing, neurolinguistic programming and other modalities. She loves honing her skills and is a healer of healers and mentor of mentors. As a thought leader picked up by Huffington Post, Prevention, the Good Men Project, as well as Thought Catalogue, The Vaccine Reaction and Yahoo Parenting, she is tickled to find herself on the forefront of women’s empowerment, helping women remember and find the truth in, and the possibility of pleasure, fun and satisfaction. Yoni Bliss chose her as CEO (chief exhilaration officer),  because she has come to KNOW that enough is enough. Her own Yoni has rooted her in this knowing. And so she offers not just a product, but classes, retreats, individual sessions both virtually and in person for women wishing to know this for themselves. Sensual, Wise, Satisfied, that’s her call to you.  Michele lives in the Pacific Northwest, and her 23 year old inspirational son does too (though far enough away so she doesn’t bug him too much0  She loves Bikram yoga, Salsa dancing, and listening to her Yoni.   We started talking about the vagina, sex and lubrication and all the things that can impact upon lubrication at different parts of our lives.  We moved on to talking about the differences between women’s vaginas, clitorises and the fact that so many women have no idea that each woman is different.   Michele spoke about the homeopathic remedies in Yonis Bliss – Chamomile that helps calm the nervous system and promote relaxation in particular.  We spoke about the use of arnica (though it is not in this product) to tame pain and bruises and reduce swelling and Michele said she thought it would be interesting to put this remedy in a lube. I said it would be excellent for rough sex, anal sex and BDSM.   We spoke about the days when women’s encounter groups were common and that more intimacy was encouraged and Michele talked about noticing more retreats now that focus on women learning about their bodies and their own desire.    We spoke about teaching women in a different way with an emphasis on the sacred feminine, starting from a place of learning their bodies, learning desire, banishing shame and looking at inviting others into their garden, their intimate places.  We highlighted the fact that this didn’t necessarily mean passivity.  Michele spoke of the strong boundaries that Yoni can set and that women have strength that feels different from the strength of men.  I mentioned that inviting someone in does not preclude power exchange, BDSM or rough sex.  Inviting someone in is the place where consent is discussed and given.   We spoke about healing from sexual trauma and creating a healthy sex life and how coaching and body working and energy work methods can take someone beyond the place straight forward talk therapy can take them.  Michele can be found at http://www.yonisbliss.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/YonisBliss/?ref=bookmarks Twitter: @yonisbliss Michele offers a free 20 minute consultation to see if a VIP (very important pussy) day is in order. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ I look forward to seeing you next week for part 3 of this series.    

Sex Spoken Here: Care and Feeding of the Vagina 3 Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am finishing my series about the care and feeding of the vagina. Anna-Thea is an author, speaker and teacher. Her courses offer women life-changing tools in the area of emotional mastery and spiritual sexuality. She is dedicated to helping women live more sensually alive and speak confidently from their hearts. Anna-Thea offers practical solutions for women with body image, food and/or intimacy/relationship issues.  She has a bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and is a Level 2 certified Kundalini Yoga and Vinyasa Flow instructor. She is also certified from the Divine Feminine Institute as a Spiritual Sexual Educator. Using principles from her extensive studies in yoga, nutrition, psychology, astrology and the Divine Feminine Institute she educates women to be leaders of love. Her book “Empower Yourself by Loving Your Body” and her blog offer women insights to honor their bodies. Her upcoming on-line course Mastering Your Emotions will show you how to face your emotions instead of fear them and let them be a source of empowerment instead of sabotage. Her educational classes in what she calls her Sacred Zoom Room are experientially transforming. We started speaking about the brain body connection and Anna-Thea talked about Naomi Woolf’s book Vagina and the research on the neuroscience and connections between vagina and brain.  Anna-Thea spoke about the importance of listening to the vagina/yoni and the link between the body and the yoni.  She spoke about the vagina as the creative centre and the location of a woman’s power.    We spoke about how westerners are often disconnected from their bodies and their feelings.  Anna-Thea spoke about how hard it can be to get people connected to their bodies and especially women.  We spoke about shame and the way in which it impacts our sexual experience.   I spoke about how many people are in the future or in the past but have difficulty being in the present and how important it is to be in the now – which is in the body.   We spoke about expressing feelings and how important that is in order to have a healthy sex life.   I talked about how important it is to teach people how to see various shades of feelings, recognise where they are in the body, sit with the feelings and then release them.   Anna-Thea described her two upcoming courses.  The first focuses on the emotional aspects and teaching women how to feel their feelings and then how to express them.  The second is Sex Education Your Mother Never Taught You.  Mastering Your Emotions Course start August 23rd www.annathea.org/emotions Sex Ed You Didn't Learn From Your Mother starts Nov 1st www.annathea.org/sexed For more information visit www.Anna-Thea.com and www.LeaderofLove.com www.annathea.org https://www.facebook.com/annatheafab Twitter: @theannathea Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ I look forward to seeing you next week for part one the care and feeding of the penis.  

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  As this podcast contains adult material, if you don’t have total privacy you might want to wear headphones.  Today I am starting a series on the care and feeding of your vagina.  The vagina is a wonderfully complex organ that can provide us with great pleasure.  It experiences many changes through the lifespan and surprisingly many women (and men) know little about what to expect.  In this series, I will be looking at issues from cleanliness to periods to childbirth to menopause and beyond.  Joining me today is Bonnie Gayle, body image expert and the founder of Sex Butter.   She educates on feeling comfortable and confident in and with your body as well as vaginal and sexual health.  It’s all an inside job.  Her product, sex butter, is a sexually empowering pleasure enhancement and personal lubricant made with organic plant-based oils infused with messages of love and healing.  Bonnie’s experience being thrown into a traumatic menopause overnight caused many challenges with her sex life when walking around became dry and painful.  At the age of 41, Bonnie was diagnosed with vaginal atrophy which she healed holistically with her product Sex Butter and a jade egg.  Now Bonnie teaches vaginal and sexual health to women worldwide. Hi Bonnie!  Let’s start with a definition of vaginal atrophy. Bonnie explained that all muscles atrophy or shrink when not used and the vagina is no different.  We talked about the fact that even if you are doing Kegel exercises (which we explained), this may not be enough.  We talked about stress incontinence and the fact that that whole band of muscles and ligaments supports not only the vagina but also the bladder.  Bonnie talked about her experience with traumatic menopause and how much atrophy hurt.  She spoke of healing by using a jade egg which she slept with every night and sex butter.  She described it taking about three months for her to be comfortable again and said that now she uses the jade egg about once per week and still uses the sex butter. We spoke about the antibacterial and antifungal properties of the formulation.  All the ingredients are organic.  We talked about the soothing properties of peppermint as well as the ability peppermint must jump start libido.  We talked about the problems women experience with their vaginas across the lifespan and highlighted the myth that problems happen primarily from menopause and beyond. Bonnie talked about how many women have never looked at their own vaginas and have no idea what a normal vagina looks like.  I highlighted the fact that if you don’t know what is normal for you, you won’t be able to recognise when changes occur that might signal illness or injury.  Bonnie spoke about the need for self-love and self-acceptance and how many women are disconnected from their vaginas.  We spoke about the increase in labiaplasty and our concerns that women aren’t learning about pleasure and are still learning to value their looks and presentation above their own pleasure. Bonnie can be found: http://sexbutter.net http://openingpandorasbox.com https://www.facebook.com/sexbutter/ https://twitter.com/theBonnieGayle Bonnie is offering listeners 10% off your first order with the coupon SB10.  She invites women who have questions or are using her products to contact her at sexbutter@gmail.com. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey and check out my YouTube channel.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you are curious and ready to explore more, enjoy me for my webinar/telecall 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self .  Click the link to register.  I look forward to seeing you there and next week for part 2 of this series.  Please leave a review if you have enjoyed this podcast on either iTunes or Stitcher

Sex Spoken Here: Risk Assessment Part 3 Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am finishing my series about risk assessment in relationships. We assess risks all the time.  Once we reach adulthood, we do most of our risk assessment without thinking.  When you are driving, you assess the risk of driving at a particular speed, of changing lanes, or driving in certain weather or traffic conditions.  We assess risk according to what we have learned about the risks inherent in any given situation.    We assess based on what we have learned from others, from books and other media, and from our own life experience. All of us travel with baggage.  Some with just a carry on and others with whole steamer trunks.  The problem isn’t the baggage itself but rather the uninspected contents.  If you are unaware of your own patterns, your risk assessment will be faulty so you will make poorer choices.  For some this means choosing relationships that turn out to be abusive ones for others this means choosing partners who cheat and for some this means choosing relationship after relationship with people who abuse or are dependent upon substances.  We tend to choose what feels familiar to us. I know my own patterns very well now as I have had lots of therapy, coaching and done other types of personal work.  It used to be that if I walked into a room of 300 people with only one alcoholic in the room, that would be the only person I was attracted to.  They would be the person that felt exciting, who smelled right to me.  Nowadays, I would be attracted to the people who have been clean and sober for more than 10 years, people who are adrenalin junkies and those who come from backgrounds where there was substance abuse but who have done their personal work.  I still like the edge but my pattern has changed because of the personal work I have done.  I recognise different qualities, different scents as attractive now.   The hardest thing for most of us is to admit we have made a mistake and this can get you injured or killed. Gavin de Becker is an expert on security, threat assessment, and personal protection.  He wrote a book called The Gift of Fear that I highly recommend everyone read.  In this book, he talks about how far we as human beings have moved from our primal senses.  Fear is the body’s way of alerting us to danger.  Many people no longer pay attention to fear or to gut instincts in which they feel uncomfortable.   De Becker talks about how essential it is that we learn to reintegrate our primal senses as they will keep us safer and ignoring them may get us injured or killed. Often people have an intense gut feeling and then talk themselves out of it.  You meet someone and you feel uncomfortable but you say to yourself ‘I’m being unfair’  or ‘I should give him a chance’.  It is amazing how often the gut instinct is correct.  I have interviewed many victims of sexual assault and rape over the years – some in therapy and others during my research on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  A full 60% of them have admitted to having a feeling that someone was ‘not right’ or a situation was ‘not safe’ and ignoring the feeling.  This lead them to blame themselves for their own assaults or rapes.  Self-blame is not useful in this situation.  What is though is to learn how important it is to pay attention to your hunches and gut instincts.  They are often correct because they are based on a whole host of perceptions that happen on a less than conscious level. Many of the people I have seen over the years have ignored countless warning signs in relationships.  Last week I spoke with Dr Sue Mandel about the red flags she talks about with her clients.  I use a system of red flags or warning signs to risk assess in any new relationship and I recommend that everyone do the same.  You may not choose the same warning signs that I do, but you should have a system of your own. Many people are afraid to do this because they believe on some deep level that if they walk away from a potential relationship, another one may not come along.  These people are conforming to the scarcity principle that says there are not enough ‘good people’ in the world and so that you must grab anyone you think is a ‘good person’ or you will end up alone.  This is a myth.  There are plenty of people in the world with whom you can have a relationship.  It is better to find the right person or people than to enter a relationship with someone who is dangerous, abusive or degrading (or even just a relationship with a person who is wrong for you but might be fine for someone else).    Many people are afraid to be alone and this stops them from risk assessing.  It is better to be alone and alive and healthy than the alternative.   For me, a red flag or warning sign says: ‘Stop and think’ or ‘‘get some distance’ First warning: I feel frightened, deeply anxious or my gut tells me something is off.  This is the most important warning sign to pay attention to.  I don’t wait to interpret this and I don’t suggest you do either.  I simply get out of the situation.  If you feel something is off, it usually is.  Delay can put you in danger or difficulty so don’t delay.  This has saved my life more than once. Don’t worry about how other people might think of you.  Don’t pass go.  Don’t collect £200 or $200, just get out of the situation.  See your fear as the gift that it is, the sign that tells you that you are in danger.  This one is especially important if you enjoy BDSM and power exchange and you are getting together with someone you don’t know well and don’t know much about. And speaking of that: One part of risk assessment is to find out what you can about the person that you are entering a relationship with.  Observe their behaviour with you, with friends and family, with people in the restaurant.  Check out the stories they tell you.  Consider talking to x partners and friends.  Do a background check. Do your homework.  Do your due diligence.  If they aren’t comfortable with you doing that, think twice about the relationship. Types of warning signs: Many brief intense relationships that ended badly. This might mean the person has difficulty managing their own intense emotions and expressing emotions appropriately.  It might mean they have overly high expectations of a partner. Unwillingness to give you full contact details.  This is only a warning sign if this persists after you start properly dating each other.  At first or second meeting, in the information age, it is not unusual for people to want to hold back some of their details.  Remember to be aware of signs of catfishing.  If you are meeting people online, it is possible that the person is not who they say they are.  If things are not adding up, information makes no sense, you feel that someone is playing with you – pay attention to these feelings. Extremely sensitive to anything that approaches criticism or to you if you have a different opinion from theirs. People who have these issues can be volatile and often have lots of drama in their lives.   Stalking behaviours:  Shows up where you don’t expect them to be, texts many many times per day when you have just met, doesn’t observe boundaries you set, ‘surprises’ you at work or at home, is constantly following all your social media.  This can feel very flattering at first but will quickly feel uncomfortable and can become dangerous. Must control every aspect of a date, conversation, meal.  When someone is immediately extremely controlling (without your consent), this is a sign of deeper issues.  Demonstrations of intense jealousy when you haven’t known each other very long or of time you spend with friends, family, at work.   This highlights insecurity and the need to control and does not bode well for safe, happy, healthy relationships.   Empathy is essential to a good relationship.  Empathy is the ability to feel things from another’s point of view, to understand and share their feelings.  If a person cannot take the viewpoint of another, cannot see things from another’s vantage point it is unlikely that they will be able to share another’s feelings.    Some people can approximate empathy but don’t truly feel it.    People who don’t have empathy don’t consider how their actions might impact upon others and cannot put themselves in another’s shoes to see how the words they choose or the things they do might cause another to feel.   Black and white thinking: People who cannot tolerate any ambivalence swing from positives to negatives.  They find it difficult to stay connected to someone positively if the person has done something that has caused them to be upset or feel angry.  You are either the most wonderful person on the planet or the devil incarnate.  They swing back and forth and it can be hard for others to know where they stand.  They have unrealistic expectations of others and project their own fantasy viewpoints on to others.   Inability to take responsibility and apologise.  This is a big warning sign.  People who cannot take responsibility for their actions and mistakes, thoughts and feelings, cannot learn and so don’t change.  They don’t apologise because they cannot see how any outcome is their responsibility.  They often also lack empathy so they cannot imagine how others feel.   Inability to control intense emotions.  People who cannot soothe themselves take out all of their feelings at full intensity on those around them.  They are often volatile, sometimes violent and require immediate and constant attention.    These are just a few of the warning signs.  Risk assessment is about being observant, being conscious of your own biases, your own history and patterns, being able to separate your feelings from those of others and listening to your primal senses (and acting on them).  Risk assessment is an on-going process.  Once you are well versed and have practiced a lot, it becomes second nature.      If you do it well, your relationships will be filled with excitement and pleasure and be long lasting.   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ I look forward to seeing you next week for part one the care and feeding of the vagina.    

Sex Spoken Here: Risk assessment in relationships 2   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  As this podcast contains adult material, if you don’t have total privacy you might want to wear headphones.  Today I am continuing my series on risk assessment in relationships.   We started last week talking all about consent and discovered that it is a many faceted topic.  This week we are going to talk about the red flags that arise when you are just beginning relationships that let you know you might want to slow down or stop all together. Joining me today is Dr Sue Mandel is a psychologist and a certified life coach and a certified data coach.  She’s been in practice for 30 years seeing couples, single women over 40 and relationships.  She specialises in the psychobiology of intimate relationships. We talked about red flags ranging from poor boundaries, to feeling rage seething underneath the surface.  We spoke about the importance of paying attention to your gut instincts and your level of comfort.  Sue suggests that when people are self-absorbed you need to take notice as this is a big red flag. We talked about people who ‘never get angry’ and avoid conflict and cannot resolve conflict and that this is also a big red flag.  Sue highlighted the passive aggressive behaviour that you might see with a person like this.  She spoke about people who are denigrate the people around them, people who don’t introduce you to their friends, are evasive and people who lie. Sue spoke about working with her clients on trusting themselves and acting on their feelings.  She said that it is often hard for people to leave a relationship if they don’t know why they were attracted in the first place.  I pointed out that I often tell people to work on their patterns in coaching but to trust gut instincts and act on the red flags even if they don’t understand why they are feeling the way they are feeling.  We spoke about people who put you on a pedestal and heap tons of praise on you and then switch to heaping tons of denigration on you.  We spoke about how hard it is to walk away from someone who praises you and treats you like you are the best thing since sliced bread even if it doesn’t feel entirely comfortable.  Sue pointed out that getting into a relationship to ‘fix’ someone is never a good idea and that many women think that they can do this and learn the hard way that it does not work.   Sue can be found at: www.drsuesconnections.com  Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey and check out my YouTube channel.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you are curious and ready to explore more, join me for my webinar/telecall 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self .  Click the link to register.  I look forward to seeing you there and next week for part 3 of this series.  Please leave a review if you have enjoyed this podcast on either iTunes or Stitcher. Thanks.    

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am starting my series on risk assessment in relationships with the topic of consent.  Consent is the foundation for all sexual agreements and relationships.   Some feel the current emphasis on consent is too intense and make fun of the idea of having to ask for permission each step of the way in a sexual encounter.  Others feel that we don’t take consent seriously and we make too many assumptions. Joining me today to discuss this is Kitty Stryker.  Kitty Stryker is a Degenderette, writer, queer activist, and authority on developing a consent culture in alternative communities. She was the founder of ConsentCulture.com, a website that ran for 4 years as a hub for LGBT/kinky/poly folks looking for a sex critical approach to relationships, which will be relaunched on 2017. Kitty also cofounded the artsy sexy party Kinky Salon London, as well as being head of cosplay for queer gaming convention GaymerX. Having finished "Ask: Building Consent Culture", an anthology through Thorntree Press coming out in October, Kitty tours internationally speaking at universities and conferences about feminism, sex work, body positivity, queer politics, and more. She lives in Oakland, California with her wife, boyfriend, and two cats, Foucault and Nietzsche.   We started by talking about issues around consent and the reasons for Kitty starting ConsentCulture.com.    Kitty spoke about how hard it is for people to take responsibility and then look at changing behaviour.  She spoke about the problems in the alternative sexuality communities when consent violations occur.  Often calling the police makes things worse as the police are not necessarily friendly to kinky, LGBT or people of colour.  She spoke about the need for communities to come up with a clear plan to resolve these situations that don’t simply involve calling someone out and then isolating that person from the community.   We spoke about how hard it can be to give proper consent when alcohol or drugs are involved.  Kitty advises people to consider if they are willing to go to jail for the person and the activity they are about to undertake.  She highlights the fact that we all make mistakes in this area and violate consent.  It may be as simple as hugging an acquaintance who didn’t want to be hugged or as serious as rape.  We spoke about how it can be hard to draw your own boundaries and how this can be especially difficult if you are involved in power exchange.    Kitty spoke about the reasons that people don’t use a safe word even when they should and said that she had done some research that found that often women refuse to do so because they want to please a partner and men are more likely to just want to be seen as tough.  She spoke about sitting down and actually looking at how her boundaries had been violated over the years and how she had just brushed this off rather than dealing with the issues.  We spoke about things like playing in a public situation and how difficult it is for people to find a way to protect themselves without feeling like they are causing drama in public.   We spoke about the trauma that perpetrators experience and the fact that they too need help to resolve any shame and guilt.  Kitty highlighted that when we talk about consent in sexual relationships it is only an opening conversation to discussing all the places in which we need to think about boundaries and consent in society.  She highlighted things like consent in medical situations, and where information is shared, and education.   Kitty’s book will come out in October.  If you want to pre-order, here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Building-Consent-Kitty-Stryker/dp/1944934251/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497383382&sr=8-1&keywords=ask+building+consent+culture     The website for the book is https://consentculture.com/   Website where stories have been gathered about consent to help deepen understanding https://medium.com/consent-culture-a-conversation     Website Link http://kittystryker.com/   Facebook link https://www.facebook.com/officiallykittystryker/   twitter link https://twitter.com/kittystryker   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.  If there was something you didn’t like, tell me that too! Follow me on twitter @drbisbey, Instagram @drbisbey and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!    If you enjoyed this podcast, please subscribe and leave a review on iTunes.  If you want more information, sign up for my newsletter here. I look forward to seeing you next week for part two of risk assessment in relationships.    

Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 3   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am continuing my series about gender.   Joining me today to continue the discussion is Dr Meg-John Barker. They are a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History.   We started by talking about language and definitions.  Meg-John highlighted that non-binary is the overarching term used now for anyone who doesn’t identify as male or female.  We spoke about how many other terms there are that fall under non-binary including but not limited to: gender queer, gender fluid, demi (boy, girl), trans.  We spoke about how hard it is for people to understand the gender journey and how important it is for everyone to look at this journey as even folks who are happy with the gender assigned at birth go through gender changes throughout the life span.  Meg-John used the example of a woman going on the pill which is taking hormones and a woman who has had breast cancer and her breasts removed as a result having to look at how she expresses her female gender.  They also mentioned men who have larger boobs and choose to do breast reduction or men who take steroids to do body building.   Gender does not stay static through the life span.   We spoke about how hard people find ambivalence and uncertainty and how badly people want to categorise and box people, places and things.  We talked about how much pressure there can be for trans people to make the decision to transition and then do it quickly and that this is unhelpful.  We both feel this comes from the difficulty people have with uncertainty and ambivalence in part.   We talked about how gender is not just socially influenced but that it is biologically influenced as well and that sex is not just biological but can and is socially influenced.    We spoke about Meg-John’s book coming out in the autumn which is about how to figure out issues around your gender.  We noted that having a gender identification outside of male or female seems to upset people more than issues around sexuality, kink and polyamory versus monogamy.   You can find Dr Meg-John Barker at: Website: www.rewriting-the-rules.com. Twitter: @megjohnbarker. All of their books are available on the website.  Check out their podcast: Meg-John and Justin Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.      

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of SexÒ.  I'm Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don't have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is O and O is for online sex.   Online sex can run the gamut from web cams where you pay for (mostly) women to strip for you or play with you, amateur web caming, online phone sex, pornography websites, written erotica and through online sexual communities.    Joining me tonight is Sharon Somers who created climaxconnection.com Climax connection is an online adult community website for people to find masturbation partners for phone sex or for people just seeking to enhance their masturbation experience by being able to listen to member contributed erotic audios or read their erotic short stories.   They have profile pages, chat rooms with free audio and video capabilities, a forum, erotic short stories and audios.  Many people just hang out in the chat rooms just to have fun, relax and chat.    We started by talking about how chat rooms came to be and Sharon likened the site to an advanced version of the original chat rooms on AOL and Yahoo.  I mentioned that before that we had bulletin boards and that Compuserve and Prodigy were early adopters of chat space.    Sharon explained that people create community and that some are only willing to interact on the site.  They refuse to give out any details so that they can chat off site or phone sex.  She highlighted the fact that many relationships are long term.    She also mentioned that people are not terribly trusting which is why they don't want to part with personal details.   Sharon talked about the many people who come to the site who are in relationships with partners who don't share their sexual interests.  She said that she is a phone sex operator by trade and started this site because the other sites she visited in between clients to relax didn't have the full range of features that she has now put on this site.   We talked about the clients who come for phone sex versus chat and cam sex and highlighted the fact that most of the clients don't want to watch a woman masturbate on camera.  Many of them have very specific fantasies.  She told me that she is asked to be a robot every few weeks and use a robot voice and that these clients have a full fantasy around how their ideal android looks.  If she were to appear on cam it would interfere with the fantasy.    We spoke about the value of sex work for people who are not getting their needs met in their relationships.  She told me that many of the men are in sexless marriages and most of her clientele are men.  She shared that sometimes partners or wives call and abuse her or the other women and said that they are not trying to take these men away.  They do this for the money they earn.  I pointed out that it is common to target the other person instead of the spouse who is the one who had committed the betrayal.   We spoke about a wide variety of types of clients, chat play and the things Sharon enjoys about her work and in her off time.  Sharon will join me on Sex Spoken Here for the series about sex work.   website: http:/www.climaxconnection.com or for phone sex: erotictalkphonesex.com twitter: https://twitter/climaxers facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Climax-connection-361709193897804/ Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to drloribeth@atozofsex.com and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to explore and express your authentic sexual self.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to http://www.atozofsex.com (www.atozofsex.com) and click on the button that says ‘book now'.   If you have enjoyed this...

Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 1   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am continuing my series about gender.  Last week I started my discussion with Melvin Marsh.  Today we are continuing that discussion.  If you haven’t heard part 1, go on and download it and have a listen.  Melvin Marsh is a practicing medical hypnotherapist in with particular interests in medical hypnosis, phobias, and anxiety. While attending medical school, hypnotherapy was suggested to him to deal with his own anxiety problem caused by a residual medical phobia. As hypnotherapy started to relieve the symptoms, he realized he could use hypnosis to help his future patients. Eventually, he left medical school to pursue studies at HMI College of Hypnotherapy where he graduated with honors. He became a certified hypnotherapist under the strict guidelines of the Hypnotherapist's Union Local 472 AFL-CIO, the strictest certifying agency in the United States requiring an additional 80 clinical hours over that of the National Guild. Melvin has been interviewed by top podcasts, including being interviewed by the famous Adam Eason of Hypnosis Weekly and is much in demand as a speaker and teacher.   We started by finishing our talk about screening and therapy prior to transitioning and the number of people who have second thoughts and return to their original gender.    We moved on to the difficulties involved in dating and talked about when it is appropriate to tell someone that you are trans (as soon as possible says Melvin).  We spoke about the effects of transition on sexuality and the fact that sometimes sexual orientation changes and other times it does not so nothing can be assumed.  We talked anatomy and the changes that happy for FTM transsexuals.    We spoke about the different ways people like to have sex, the importance of getting pronouns correct but the recognition that honest mistakes are usually quickly forgiven.    We spoke about how awful it is when someone repeatedly chooses to address a person incorrectly and how invalidating that is.    If you want to find Melvin: Website Link www.afterhourshypnotherapy.com   Facebook link https://www.facebook.com/afterhourshypnotherapy/   twitter link https://twitter.com/melsmarsh/    Other social media link https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTJhbqVCZtqEuwVx-azZJoA/    Offer you want to promote on the show If you wish to book LGBT culturally competent hypnosis, or anything like that in general, $50 (USD) off any service but you have to use the contact us form on the website so it goes directly to me and just mention Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey   Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week for part three of this series on gender where I will be interviewing Dr Meg-John Barker.  

Sex Spoken Here: Let’s Talk about Gender part 1   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am beginning a series about gender.   When I was growing up, many people saw gender as either male or female.   There were sometimes people who were referred to as transsexual who felt they were born with the wrong body and chose to undergo surgery to change to their ideal gender.     One of my first flirtations, a boy called Kenny, confided in me when we were both 16 that he really felt female inside and wanted to change sex.   He went for some physical tests and told me that though he had male genitalia he also had a uterus inside.  Kenny went on to have a sex change operation.  He was the first person I ever met who questioned the gender he was assigned at birth.   The understanding of gender has changed dramatically since that time.  Current research highlights gender as a spectrum and recognises gender fluidity as well as transgender and transsexual.   I’m going to dive into this issue in depth over the next few weeks.   Joining me today to start the discussion is Melvin Marsh Melvin Marsh is a practicing medical hypnotherapist in with particular interests in medical hypnosis, phobias, and anxiety. While attending medical school, hypnotherapy was suggested to him to deal with his own anxiety problem caused by a residual medical phobia. As hypnotherapy started to relieve the symptoms, he realized he could use hypnosis to help his future patients. Eventually, he left medical school to pursue studies at HMI College of Hypnotherapy where he graduated with honors. He became a certified hypnotherapist under the strict guidelines of the Hypnotherapist's Union Local 472 AFL-CIO, the strictest certifying agency in the United States requiring an additional 80 clinical hours over that of the National Guild. Melvin has been interviewed by top podcasts, including being interviewed by the famous Adam Eason of Hypnosis Weekly and is much in demand as a speaker and teacher.   He socially transitioned in 2002 and medically transitioned a few years after that.  Welcome to the show!   There is a lot of controversy around definitions so please note that the opinions of the speaker belong to them.  We started with the difference between transsexual and transgender.  Melvin sees transsexual as those who make physical changes (hormones, surgery) and live full time as the new gender and transgender as those who do not necessarily do these things.  I did highlight the fact that each individual has their own perception of their gender identification and that this should be respected.  In my view we should respect as many identifications of gender as there are people.    We talked about discrimination extensively.  Melvin reports that there is as much discrimination within the LGBTQIIAA+ community as there is outside the community and that it is widespread in the US.    He spoke about being in fear for his life, being harassed in medical school and being attacked on the street.  He spoke about being out and taking the heat for some folks who would prefer to ‘go stealth’.   We talked about some of the differences between FTM and MTF trans people.  One of the differences highlighted was that it is often easier for FTM to appear  physically credible as their new gender and so to blend in.    I asked about places where Melvin has experienced support or that his gender has not been an issue and he told me that when he converted to Judaism, his Rabbi was great.  He said the congregation is brilliant and his hypnotherapy school has been great.   I asked about how people in the community could help and he spoke about not asking personal questions in public settings unless he is there to educate.   We spoke about the prohibitively high costs of transitioning.   We ended this discussion speaking about the therapy and screening necessary to make transitions safe and will cover this in more depth next week.       You can find Melvin at: http://www.afterhourshypnotherapy.com   Facebook link https://www.facebook.com/afterhourshypnotherapy/   twitter link https://twitter.com/melsmarsh/     Other social media link https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTJhbqVCZtqEuwVx-azZJoA/     If you wish to book LGBT culturally competent hypnosis, or anything like that in general, $50 (USD) off any service but you have to use the contact us form on the website so it goes directly to me and just mention Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey     Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 2 of this series on gender.          

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and vibrating toys, dildos and butt plugs, and talked with Chrystal Bougon of Curvy Girl and Bliss.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the first three episodes in the series, I encourage you to do so.  Today, I am talking about pervertables and other interesting toys.  A pervertable is an ordinary item that can be turned to sexual or perverted purposes.    Later in the show I will talk about electro-stimulation toys.  The first question I usually get about pervertables is why bother?  There are a few reasons: The first is if you are not sure if you will enjoy certain types of sensation or activities, you probably don’t want to invest money in the toys or items.  For example, you want to try a toy that will produce a thud type sensation, and see if you enjoy that type of pain mixed pleasure.  You could go out and buy different paddles or you could go into the kitchen and get a wooden spoon or use the back of a heavy hair brush. The second reason is that you don’t have lots of money to spend.  This is the most common reason someone decides to explore pervertables and creating their own toys. The third is the associations we form with items that we will see every day can add some excitement and on-going turn on.  For example, if you have children or live with parents or roommates, you won’t keep that gorgeous flogger out and so you won’t get the thrill of seeing it regularly.    But, if your lover uses a belt instead, every time you see the belt, every time they wear the belt, you will get an intense thrill.  It can be like being hot-wired: You are doing something ordinary and you see the belt and suddenly you are soaked or rock hard or both. Pervertables for sensory play and sensory deprivation play: Sensory deprivation can increase the sensation for the senses that are still available.    It also adds the extra thrill of surprise.  The mildest form of sensory deprivation (and the most common) is blindfolding.  Blindfolds can be made from ties, towels, shirts, belts, strips of fabric.  One of the most arousing scenes I ever took part in, my lover tore off my t-shirt and cut it into strips, using one to blindfold me and the others to tie my hands to the bed posts. Your underwear can be used as a gag.    Sensory play involves using all our senses and different types of sensation to increase excitement.  Sometimes sight is removed (as many of us rely on sight as a primary sense).    Alternate textures can be used to stimulate and enflame.  There are tons of pervertables in the home that are ideal for this type of play. You can use sandpaper, the edge of tweezers, a feather, a fan, the tines of a fork, leather gloves, silk gloves or fabric, a safety pin, a rubber band.  Using smells is also enlightening.  In this case, I recommend pleasant smells and smells that whet the appetite like vanilla, cinnamon, chocolate, musk, civet, labdanum, leather, tuberose, amber, or gardenia.  Taste is also a lot of fun to play with.  I recommend using fresh fruit, chocolate, olives, lemon or lime, fresh ginger and for the truly adventurous various chilli peppers.  Ginger can be used for figging which is when it is peeled and inserted in either the vagina or anus.  It will cause an intense burning sensation.  It shouldn’t be left in for too long.  Some people also use chilli for this but I don’t recommend it because it is too hard to remove.  Please make sure you aren’t allergic to anything you are going to put on or in your body. What about pervertables for dildos?  There are loads of things you can use that are insertable pervertables.  Please use common sense before putting something up your coochie or ass.  Make sure that it isn’t going to cause damage – so make sure it is clean, use condoms, lots of lube, and nothing too sharp! (Even if you like pain, shredding your insides is never advised).    Warnings finished.  You can use carrots, zucchini (courgettes), candles. If you want to try some forms of BDSM and kink, there are lots of pervertables you can find at home or at B&Q or Home Depot.    For restraints, ribbon can be used.  Ribbon can feel cutting though so make sure to pay attention to how you feel and make sure the person who has tied you with it is checking in with you about how you feel.  Any time you use restraints you must take care not to cut off circulation by tying too tight.  You can use various sizes of chain for restraints.  You can use regular rope but this tends to chafe.  Try using rope over some fabric (like a sock or a tie) in order to avoid chafing.  Nipple stimulation can be sensual or intense.  If you want to experience some of the intense, clothespins are great pervertables.   They may seem easy at first.  The real hurt comes when they are taken off and all the blood rushes back into the nipples.   Chopsticks can be used to tap on the nipples. For impact toys, you have incredible choices all throughout the house.  In the office, rulers make great impact toys.  They can also be easily integrated into a role play scene.  My first piano teacher used to hit my hand with a ruler when I didn’t play correctly.   School role plays can include being spanked with a ruler. Spoons are great impact toys.  You can use wooden, plastic or metal and they will each give you a different sensation.    You can use spatulas as well.   Try a long-handled shoe horn (wooden ones are the best).   Belts (the end without the buckle) are old standards for a good spanking.    The back of a brush or a shoe are ones that many people in their 40’s and older experienced when they were children and naughty. If you want a more challenging sensation, a beating with the business end of a hair brush is pretty challenging.    Rubber bands are very challenging.  How do you use them, you ask?  Just like when you were kids, you snap them on someone.   The worst places to have them snapped on you are predictably the most sensitive places.  Rubber bands look really innocuous but they are NOT.  Remember that using different fabrics and textures all over your body can be really arousing.  Alternating textures raises excitement.  For example, using something furry over the breasts and following that with light scratching with finger nails.  Playing with temperature is also lots of fun with pervertables.  Paraffin candles are perfect for wax play.  If you’ve never done it before, do get some instruction (either in person or on line) so that no one gets burned.  Ice cubes are fantastic for raising your temperature.  They can be rubbed lightly over the body or held tightly to the juicy parts. Electro-stimulation toys are finally more affordable.  Electrostimulation or e-sex involves the applying of electrical stimulation to the nerves for sexual pleasure.    If you use a pace maker, please don’t try this.  If you have heart conditions, this is not recommended.    And it is not advisable to place electrodes so that current passes through the chest cavity as even at low current and low voltage there is a risk of cardiac problems.   Having said this, if you are using a violet wand these warnings don’t apply.   If you are going to try this, it is best to get some instruction so you know all the risks, hazards and the best techniques.  OK, warnings over. The use of electricity for entertainment dates back to the 1740’s.  In the 1830’s insertable electrodes were first designed.  In the 1920, some electrostimulation devices were used as a ‘cure’ for impotence.    In the 1950s, a EMS machine that was designed for relaxation was re-purposed and used for sexual stimulation. That was an advanced pervertable!.   Violet rays were developed for various medical treatments in the 1920’s and 30’s.   From there they went to the beauty community and some treatments originally derived from violet ray use still exist today.    Edgar Cayce found metaphysical uses for these devices and they found popularity again in the 60’s and 70’s.  The original repurposed units are TENS and EMS units.  Erotic units began to be devised in the 1980s.  Battery powered units are preferred as they reduce the likelihood of injury. Violet wands are modified telsa coil type electrical transformer.  It is usually engineered specifically for sexual play.  The electrode attachments are made of glass or plastic and they glow when the electricity passes through them.  The most common colour is purple hence the violet in the name but there are lots of different colours you can find.  There is a phallic shaped electrode made for insertion and this has a fine spray output versus the long slim tube which concentrates into larger single sparks.  Some electrodes feel tickly, others like a gentle tingling, others a bit more spicy and some very intense.  There are a wide variety of techniques you can employ using these devices.  Some allow you to electrify yourself and use your fingertips to be the contact point.  So you can stroke your partner with a finger that gives them little sparks as you stroke.  There are floggers and canes that can be electrified through your hand so you can add that extra spice to the flogging.  Violet wands are lower amperage than other electro stimulation toys and therefore are the safest.  They can be used above the waist without fear.  There are so many different sensations produced by these making them a great toy to use long term,  More information can be found from the International Violet Wand Guild – violetwands.org. Are there pervertables you have used that you found really sexy or are there things I haven’t mentioned that you find smokin’ hot?  Tweet me @drbisbey or post a picture on Instagram where I am also drbisbey.   Tell me about your violet wands or other electromagnetic play.  Or you can drop me an email at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.   If you want some more details on using the pervertables in this podcast, you can get the workbook to accompany the series by emailing me. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook..  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.      

Sex Spoken Here Sex Toys for Curvy Girls   Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and vibrating toys, dildos and butt plus.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen to the first two episodes in the series, I encourage you to do so. In addition to opening the only plus-size lingerie store in the nation (Curvy Girl Lingerie), Chrystal Bougon is an author, blogger, sex toy expert and owner/founder of BlissConnection.com, a tasteful online romance store. A high-tech corporate refugee who switched to sex tech in 2003, Chrystal’s mission is to teach women and couples of all sizes how to have better sex and incorporate toys into their romantic life. Hi! Welcome to the show.  Let’s talk about sex toys for curvy girls.  Chrystal spoke about the best sex toys for women (and people) of size.  She spoke about the particular problems of having lower belly fat that gets in the way of reaching the clitoris and/or shorter arms.  People with these issues need a toy with a bit more reach.  She started by talking about the old standard the Hitachi Magic Wand but did say that the power can be a problem for some people.  She mentioned that for super size people, sitting on the wand can work well.  She spoke about men who have erectile dysfunction finding the wand useful for being able to coax out an ejaculation even without getting an erection because the power of the vibrator helps. She spoke about the Womanizer as being a game changing toy and that they have come out with a new one (the plus) which has an 8 ¼ inch reach so makes it better.  She mentioned the orchid which is like a bullet with a long handle.  She talked about the bullet as being the old standard and mentioned that it can be good for those people who are taking medication like antidepressants and anti-anxiety who can have difficulty with orgasm.  Chrystal mentioned that Clarityn and other antihistamines can cause vaginal dryness as well. Chrystal mentioned the Eva as one of the new toys she loves.  This is also one of the new ones I love.  She pointed out that it works particularly well for women who have extra fat on their vulvas.  Chrystal gave a shout out to Sportsheets as a great company who has designed toys with fat people in mind.  She spoke about the doggy style strap as being a brilliant toy to help people get into a better doggy style position and for deep penetration. We spoke about how much better sex toys are when women are involved in the design process.  We spoke briefly about electro stim toys which are now much more affordable.  Chrystal and I both agreed that if you have someone you trust you can say yes to trying everything.   Website link: http://curvygirlinc.com/ Social media links: https://www.instagram.com/curvygirllingerie/ https://www.facebook.com/CurvyGirlInc/ https://twitter.com/blissconnection https://www.pinterest.com/blissconnection/ If you want to purchase something from Curvy Girl, use the code ‘LoriBeth’ and get 20% off.  The Womanizer is sold on Curvy Girl Inc so if you want to try it and find the price too high, the 20% may make it affordable. Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week when I will continue the series on sex toys and we will be talking about pervertables and other interesting toys.      

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today I am continuing my series on sex toys. So far in this series, I looked at vibrators and a couple of slightly different toys that still vibrate.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to listen, I encourage you to do so. Today, I’m starting with dildos and butt plugs.  Despite being bisexual, I actually explored butt plugs before exploring dildos.  My early hook ups with women were with women who used vibrators and didn’t like to use dildos or strap-ons.  My early relationships with women were the same.  I found the technicolour dildos a bit frightening.   My first dildo was actually a stainless steel nJoy that could be made ice cold or warm to hot.  It also warmed so beautifully when used.  The texture of the stainless steel is so arousing to me and the nJoy hits the G spot so well.     The next dildo I experienced was a glass dildo and again this is very temperature sensitive so using it for temperature play is fantastic.  Some of these are works of art and they are often made with ribs, ridges and bumps that touch you in places you never thought you wanted to be touched.    Finally, I was introduced to a proper silicone dildo by a lover who liked to use strap-ons.  She had a bunch of different sizes and would let me choose what I felt like experiencing.  One of them was so large, he was akin to a horse penis and I avoided that one.  I couldn’t figure out how I would ever get it inside me.    These dildos felt as though they were truly attached to my lover, as though she had a dick of her own.  She loved having a dick though she did not identify as male in anyway.  She first exposed me to chicks with dicks.    Jay is also bisexual and she enjoyed fucking men with her dick as much as she enjoyed fucking women with it.    I loved to watch her fuck other people almost as much as I loved to be fucked by her.  Her rapt expressions highlighted her gratification as she rocked her hips with a fury.     For the next many years, I enjoyed being on the receiving end of a dildo.  I even tried experimenting with double headed dildos.  These can be extreme fun but they take a bit to get the hang of.   I found some of the co-ordination difficult but Jill says that they are her favourite toy and rocking with her girlfriend is a sure way to increase multiple orgasms. About 5 years ago, a girlfriend asked me to fuck her.  I had tried a strap-on once before but found it awkward.    I wanted to be able to please her so I decided to give it one more try.  To do this, I went to find a better strap on belt and dildo, one that would be easier to manage.  I wanted a dildo that was close to my skin colour.  Though I have never wanted to have a penis, I wanted to try to experience this as being more a part of me as friends had told me that the more I owned the penis, the better I would be at fucking.   I was visiting my then fiancé in Los Angeles so this meant a shopping trip to the Pleasure Chest.  This trip was filled with laughter as I looked through all of the different possibilities.  There were dildos that were technicolour, some that were huge and others that didn’t really look like penises at all.  First I found a strap-on belt that was a sport style.  I found this far more comfortable than the ones that split my butt cheeks like thongs do.  I found an average size dildo that was close to my skin colour.  My stomach is not flat so when looked down it was the strangest experience because it looked like my own penis.  I identify as a woman for gender and I have always done so.  As a result, this was a surreal moment as I saw my own dick.    Next I felt I needed to learn how to use the strap-on before fucking my date.  Since I had never owned a penis before, I decided to ask an expert – my fiancé.  He had been the owner of a penis for 55 years by that time.    He gave me some lessons focusing on the hip rocking movements and reminding me that I won’t be able to get direct feedback through the dildo so I needed to own it as much as I could as this would make it easier for me to predict responses to my movements.    I have had sex with women and trans-men who truly owned the penises they attached to their bodies.  They were so skilled that it was easy to forget they were not born with flesh and blood penises.  I did not feel this way so it took practice so I would be convincing and effective and be able to give my partner thrills.  After my lessons, I went on my date and I am happy to report that she had a great time and told me I fucked her well.  I enjoyed the experience of being able to give her pleasure in that way but I did not find it exciting to be the one with the penis.  I didn’t get turned on by fucking her.   I really am much happier being the receptive partner when it comes to penetration by penises or dildos.    Not too long ago, a friend sent me a link to a site called Bad Dragon.  This company makes dildos in the shapes of different (mostly) mythical beasts penises.    The most popular are dragon dildos but werewolf comes in a close second.  They are made in various sizes and colours and some are designed for men to put over their penises and have a tube for ejaculation.  They also have some vaginas for men to use for masturbation or for women to insert so that they can be penetrated when wearing one.   Finally there are the dildos that are made as a dilation set (with vibration) by Sh! to help women who have vaginismus.  These are smooth silicon and in various sizes and can have a bullet vibrator in them as well.  They are used in the treatment of vaginismus which is when the pelvic floor muscles contract involuntarily causing painful sex or the inability to have penetration at all. I didn’t mention vibrating dildos earlier.   There are some dildos that are made with a pocket to insert a bullet vibrator at the base so this presses against the vulva and clitoris in some cases when the dildo is in the strap-on harness.  That way the person doing the fucking is also receiving stimulation.  These can be lots of fun to play with as well. Of course strap-ons can be used for pegging (which is when a woman fucks a man).   I have had a lot of clients over the years who love to experience their girlfriends and wives fucking them.  Some of these men are submissive but many are not.  They just enjoy the anal stimulation and the prostate stimulation. Dildos have been around since paleolithic times.  The first ones were made of stone and wood.  For some reason many archaeologists have talked about them being simply symbolic for fertility instead of accepting the fact that they were used for sex toys then as well.  The oldest one is 20cm and from the Upper Paleolithic era – circa 30,000 years ago. Dildos are seen in Greek art and also feature in Greek plays.   They are mentioned in Shakespeare’s A Winter’s Tale.  Dildos remain illegal in some jurisdictions like parts of India for example. They remained banned Alabama though they are no longer illegal in Texas, Kansas or Colorado.  Reviews from friends, lovers and clients: Manny, who is transgendered, has 4 favourite cocks.  He has one that he uses for packing.  Packing is when you wear soft to semi-hard dildo in pants so that you have a penis even when not having sex.    He has three he uses for sex.  The first is very close to his own colouring and is average size and girth.  The second is also close to his own colouring but is significantly larger.  The third is technicolour and medium sized.  He says ‘I can give a girl something no bio man ever can – a choice of cocks – a big one for size queens and an average one for most of the time.’ Wendy says ‘I love playing with my glass dildo especially when it is cold.  It slowly heats up inside me and I heat up with it.’ Rachel says ‘I enjoy fucking Tom with my strap-on which is average size.  He loves the feeling of being so full and I love being the one in control.  I also love to use my nJoy to stimulate his prostate or sometimes he uses it in my pussy.  The hardness of the steel is so different from other dildos.  And I love playing with temperature too.’ Butt plugs These come in tons of shapes and sizes.  The most popular shape is a teardrop or diamond shape.  These start small and can be found in huge sizes.  The materials range from the simple silicone which is probably most popular because it is smooth and has some give to metal ones with a jewelled handle to glass ones with fur or horse hair tails.    The ones with tails are something to see.  The people who use these have to get used to moving around with them inside so that they don’t push them out.   Human ponies often have elaborate horse hair tails.  For those of you who don’t know, human ponies are people who act as ponies and will do activities like pulling a cart, racing and carrying people or even dressage events like actual ponies participate in.  They wear harness, sometimes blinders, bits, boots with horse shoe heels and, sometimes a full face mask or a partial one with pony ears and horse tails.   Their training is very elaborate.    There are other animals that people will pretend to be (puppies for example) and they might wear fur tails. Butt plugs can be difficult to get used to.  We are used to pushing things out using those muscles so the tendency is to push the plug out as well.  It often takes training to be able to use them well.  Training is starting with a small plug and wearing it for a short period of time and moving slowly to longer periods of time and larger plugs.  Butt plugs provide a great way to incorporate anal stimulation, particularly if you don’t want to have full on anal sex.  Greg loves them so much that he wears a small one every day.  He says ‘I am always aroused that way.’  I asked him if he was able to concentrate to work and he replied ‘Of course, the arousal stays in the background at those times.  But it is always there and that is how I like it.’  Mary finds butt plugs humiliating but exciting at the same time.  She says ‘It is so embarrassing to have anything in my ass.  And even more embarrassing how hot it makes me.  So I love having my plug in.    I have one with a big red jewel in the handle.  It is made of stainless steel and sometimes I put it in the fridge for 10 minutes before putting it inside me.  That can make me scream but as it warms it makes me moan.   I can come just from the plug inside me.’ Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week when I will continue the series on sex toys.      

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Today I am starting a series on sex toys.  In this series, I’m going to look at different types of sex toys and provide some interesting reviews, sourcing information and stories from friends and clients.      When I was first learning about sex, the only sex toy I heard about was a vibrator.  I remember my first vibrator.  I was in my mid-teens and it was the mid 70’s and I got it from a seedy sex shop in a town near where I lived.  I smuggled it into my house and then hid it in my room.    It was about 8 inches long and made of hard off white plastic.  The first two inches or so were smooth but the rest were ribbed.    It was awful.   I tried to use it a few times but I found it alternately painful and annoying.    It put me off vibrators for more than 15 years.    The next sex toy I became acquainted with was a pair of gold plated handcuffs that a boyfriend had engraved.  I still have these to this day 37 years later.  These were lots of fun but they are also not the standard sex toy.    I finally found vibrators that I could (and do) enjoy.  It has taken me time to explore sex toys both alone and with partners.  I have tried lots of vibrators and have reviews from friends, lovers and clients of a variety of vibrators.   I have played with anal plugs of many types.  And since I enjoy BDSM, I have tried many types of implements from feathers through to bull whips.  I have tried a variety of electrical toys (violet wand, estim and tens machines).  I’ve used dildos and strap-on belts.    Let’s start with vibrators as these are the most popular toys.  There are many different kind of vibrators.  Some vibrators are meant for penetrating the vagina other to use on the clitoris and others to put between partners and stimulate them both and still others are designed for the ass.  Nowadays, vibrators come in plethora of shapes and sizes.    Some are controlled by iPhone apps, some have tons of speeds, others a variety of programmes that cover speed and intensity.      Women’s favourites: Number 1 at the moment is a relative newcomer called Eva which is made by Dame Products.  Eva is a hands free vibrator that has wings that tuck under the labia majora giving clitoral stimulation without having to hold it in place.  It’s texture is lovely. It’s made of smooth silicon.  Linda says ‘It’s my little friend.  I really can walk around with it in and driving me wild but not for too long because I come really quickly using this toy.’   Number 2 is the Rabbit which stimulates the clitoris and is inserted in the vagina at the same time.  This is the vibrator that was talked about (and shown) on Sex in the City.  It has been around for ages.  Some women are put off by the colour (purple) and the little rabbit who stimulates the clitoris.  Don’t let that put you off.  It is one of the toys of it’s type and can give you the experience of orgasm while being penetrated if you haven’t been able to do this before.   Number 3: Hitachi Magic Wand.  This was number 1 for years.  The power is what makes it so incredible.   Over the years this is the vibrator that I have heard the most feedback about.  Clients talk about the power and the fact that it can be used for actual massage because it is strong enough.   Jenny says that she couldn’t survive without her Hitachi.  She told me that she was unable to have an orgasm until she discovered the Hitachi and that she uses it on her own and with her girlfriend.  She said she has tried smaller clitoral vibrators but that none of them have been as good as the Hitachi.   Number 4 Lamorouse Rosa vibrator has two motors.  The one at the base vibrates the whole genital area adding to the intensity of everything.  Martha loves the whole construction of it, the smoothness, the colour (She has cerise) and the reach.  ‘It hits my g-spot just right to get me flowing and if I keep going I will always squirt’.   Number 5 Lelo’s Smart Wands are divine.  The silicon texture combined with metal.  The medium one could be insertable.  I suppose the large one could be too but I certainly would find it difficult.   Number 6 Lelo’s Siri 2 is sound responsive and very powerful.  8 settings that are inspired by music and then the option to just follow any beat you choose including the sound of your lover’s voice.    As like Lelo’s other products, smooth and well made.    Greg loves to use this on his lover.  He says ‘I enjoy the responsiveness and choosing the rhythms, watching Leslie’s responses and building her pleasure.   And it isn’t just for women.  The feel of it under and behind my balls is incredible.’   Couples Favourites: Number 1: The Eva.  It fits so well for some people that it creates so many possibilities.  In some positions, it will also stimulate the penis during sex.  For two women together it can be held in place in between them in just the right way to get both of them moaning.    Number 2: We Vibe.  There are lots of iterations of this vibrator.    We Vibe 4 has an app called we connect and talks about couples connecting no matter where they are.  Part of the vibrator is inserted in the vagina and the other part presses on the clitoris.  So the vibrator can hit the g – spot and vibrate his penis while they are having intercourse as well as stimulating her clitoris.  If you are having trouble visualising, the company gives you a very straight forward visual here.   Vibrators for men: Many men who use vibrators enjoy them for prostate stimulation. Number 1 Nexus G Play medium.  This is silicone and feels nice.  The size makes it a good toy for both men and women.   Number 2 The Rocks Off Rude Boy.  This C shaped massager is for hands-free use.  You can rock back and forth.  It is a little larger than some of the others but the men I have spoken to who have used this one love the full feeling.   Number 3 Rocks Off Butt Boy is butt plug shaped.    Lots of guys enjoy the butt plug shape and so find this an easier toy to start with.   A few tips about using vibrators: First safety:  Use condoms if you are going to share your toy with anyone.  If you are planning on moving your toy from vagina to rectum, use two condoms.  Penetrating the vagina after the rectum leads to infections.     Second make sure to check out intensity levels when you are considering direct stimulation on sensitive areas, like the clitoris.  Sometimes that can feel painful and put someone off.    Third, use lots of lube.  Check to make sure the lube you are using is not going to cause a problem with your vibrator (or with condoms).    For example using silicone lube on silicone toys can cause a kind of melting together of the two which will leave the surface of the toy pitted or mottled.    Water based lubricants are the best for silicone toys.  For condoms, water based or silicone based lube is best.   There are some new variations on the vibrator.  The first is the Womanizer which uses suction and air around the clitoris to arouse and bring on orgasm.  The reviews for this toy are pretty good all around.  Women talk about how quickly they reach orgasm and how reliably.  Megan told me that she was able to have multiple orgasms for the first time using the Womanizer.   She describes it as a ‘fucking miracle’.   There is a variation on this toy which is called the Fiera.  This one is targeted at women who have trouble with arousal or are suffering from low libido.  The toy’s aim is to create quick arousal.    It creates suction on the vulva and around the clitoris uses ‘light stimulation and gentle suction’ to increase blood flow leading to quick and often intense arousal.  There are silicone rings to create the suction and these must be replaced every 7 – 10 uses.  There are two styles of rings and most people find one that works better for them.  There is one version with a remote and another without.   The beauty of this device is that it is hands free.  Once you are ‘warmed up’, you remove the device and continue with your partner.  Reviews are mixed with most people complaining that the rings wear out too quickly and some complaining that it doesn’t do as much as they thought it would do.  I have not had any clients who have tried this yet.  Beth said ‘It is very expensive ($249 with remote) and I didn’t know if it was going to work.  I wasn’t willing to spend that much without knowing’.   Some women are reporting increased desire though and that is well worth the price.   The Crescendo by Mystery vibe is a vibrator that is mouldable so it can fit lots of places and apparently do many interesting things.  There is a smart app that goes with it. I haven’t yet had the chance to try one out and my clients have not yet either.  So far, there are good reviews.      There is also the Finn by Dame Products which is a vibrator that sits between two fingers and can be used many places.  It is very flexible and very versatile.   Richard says ‘The Finn is exceptional.  It is so small and neat so it’s easy to transport.   I like to start with it behind her ears and then down her neck.  By the time I get to her clitoris, she is really close to coming.’  The Finn can help with multiple orgasms.  The intensity level can be manipulated and the smooth silicon is easy on the body.   Vibrators have come a long way since my first experiences and indeed since the steam vibrator called the Manipulator was first released by Dr George Taylor in 1869 and then the electromechanical ones in the late 1800s by Dr Joseph Mortimer Granville.  They were originally developed because a major treatment for hysteria (an anxiety disorder) in women was for the doctor to stimulate a woman’s clitoris until she reached orgasm and their hands got tired!  At that time, the doctors did not believe that women had sexual desire or pleasure.  These women complained to doctors of anxiety, sleeplessness, irritability and also feelings of heaviness in the lower abdomen and wetness between the legs as well as erotic fantasies.  These symptoms became known as hysteria (which comes from the Greek word for uterus).   In fact, this was sexual frustration.  The treatment became hand jobs from the doctors.  When the women had orgasms, their symptoms were relieved.  Of course these were not called orgasms because at the time it was thought women had no sexual feelings.  By the early 19th century this was an acceptable popular treatment but led to cramped hands and fingers for the doctors, hence the invention of the vibrator.   Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week when I will be looking at dildos and butt plugs in part two of this series on sex toys.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange.  This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community.    If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them.  The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive. I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public.    But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories.  First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys.    Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black.   The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk.  Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur.  Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either.  Basic courtesy includes: Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene.  If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance.  That means don’t watch from 2 inches away.  I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy.  He was told very firmly to move away.  When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating.  Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world.  When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow.  Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm. No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone.  If someone says no, please respect it. Observe protocols.  Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols.  It is a means of demonstrating respect.  You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect. Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play.  This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene.  There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene.  Remember that after care is part of the scene. Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation.  Ask instead of assuming. Where to meet people online: There are lots of resources to meet people online.  Fetlife.com  is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange.  There are lots of different groups once you have joined.  You can join a group for events near your location to find out who might be close by.  You make a profile and people can search profiles in a number of ways, send emails and reach out to you via the groups you join. OK Cupid! has a large number of people who enjoy kink and BDSM.  You make a profile there in the same way you would on any other dating site. Facebook:  There are lots of BDSM and power exchange related Facebook groups.  Some are secret.  Others are just private.  Check group rules to see if looking to meet people is OK. Fester.com  is relatively new and apparently most folk are 30 or under. Collarspace.com  is mostly for hook ups.  Reviews are very mixed. BDSM.com is a space for talking about things as well as hooking up. Chained.org is site for meeting folks. Where to meet people offline besides events and parties: Going to a local munch is a great way to meet people in your area.  Munches are usually held monthly in a restaurant or pub.  People come dressed in normal clothing and are usually welcoming to newcomers. You can find munches listed on places like FetLife.com.  There are fetish markets in many cities.  London, UK has one every month.  There are lots of items for sale, usually short presentations and stage shows and lots of space to mingle and meet folk.  There is also usually a play party afterwards and the ticket prices are reasonable.    Finding toys and supplies: For bondage using rope: There are lots of online sites.  I recommend checking out https://www.twistedmonk.com This is the best site for different types of rope, rope care, how to videos etc. http://www.esinem-rope.com Excellent UK site for rope, tutorial DVDs. If you want to learn to make your own tools and toys: Check out the blogs on Kinkly.com For floggers, whips, restraints: http://www.detailstoys.com http://www.whipsbywolf.com/handmade-leather-floggers/ For gay men – hard core toys https://www.regulation-london.com Get recommendations from people you meet at events.  Of course you need not spend much money at all.  There are many ‘pervertables’ in most homes.  A pervertable is something that is ordinary that you can turn to a kinky purpose.  For example: Belts are extremely pervertable to use for a beating.  You can use wooden spoons (ouch!), spatulas.  Lots of things in the kitchen are pervertable. For restraints you can use ties, belts, scarves. For blindfolds – ties, scarves. It’s easy to go wild and spend a fortune on beautiful toys and restraints and then rarely use them.  I recommend starting with pervertables and then making the purchase of any tools or toys something that you do with lots of thought.  Pick out one or two special pieces.   Clothing Fetish clothing varies depending upon your interests and roles.  Leather can be used for a variety of things.  Some people love the feel, touch and smell of leather.  There is also the leather lifestyle.  People who identify as part of the leather lifestyle are engaged in power exchange relationships (often Master/slave or Mistress/slave) and follow certain codes.  Most codes include honor, honesty, respect) and most observe a variety of rituals.  Leather for these people is not only sexy and hot but is earned and a means of recognising service.    Some people like the feel of rubber or latex.   For latex clothing: http://www.houseofharlot.com https://www.pandoradeluxe.com https://www.atsukokudo.com/Home/ For leather: http://www.fetishwear.com/Welcome.htm http://www.leatheraddicts.com https://www.mr-s-leather.com Good informational sites Jack Rinella’s Leather Views – leatherviews.com  Jack Rinella is a free lance author and leather man.  He has written a number of well respected books on various aspects of leather and BDSM. Race Bannon’s site : bannon.com Race Bannon along with Guy Baldwin, MS co-founded Kink Aware Professionals which is a list of helping professionals and legal professionals who are kink aware.  He has spoken at over 400 events, is a founder and board member of a number of leather associations. National Coalition for Sexual Freedom http://ncsfreedom.org Planet Midori http://www.planetmidori.com  She is a most amazing person and author who has expertise in bondage and power exchange. Society of Janus is San Francisco based and is an organisation that offers BDSM education and support. https://soj.org Carter Johnson Leather Library http://leatherlibrary.org  An amazing collection of leather history, reading materials covering kink, BDSM, LGBTQ. Leather Archives and Museum  Incredible collection also ‘dedicated to compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather, kink and fetish lifestyles.’ http://www.leatherarchives.org http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html They keep listings for BDSM and power exchange groups Exploration is designed to be fun.  It is more likely to be so if you remember some basic rules.  Keep yourself safe  New things are really exciting and this stuff can be even more exciting than most new things.  Don’t let the excitement make you forget our basic safety rules.  If you have just met someone online, don’t give them too much personal information.    If you are arranging to meet for the first time, do it in a public place and let people know where you are going.    If you feel something is off, trust your gut and leave.    Don’t talk yourself out of trusting your gut because you think you need to give people second chances.    Don’t meet people at your home and don’t go to their home alone until you are sure that they are safe.  Avoid taking recreational drugs.  Making clear choices is important when you are playing in areas that are risky.  Keep your head clear so you will make good choices.  Limit your alcohol consumption for the same reason.  I choose not to drink and play and I prefer to play with people who are sober. Pace yourself.  Don’t try to do everything at once.  Take your time and savour the experience.  Give yourself the space to process your experience afterwards and make sure you have support for when you need it. Remember your social skills.  Use your best social skills – be polite, friendly, listen lots.  Sometimes people get so excited they forget! Understand consent and apply it properly.    Don’t touch anyone without getting consent first.  This includes spontaneous hugs, putting your hand on someone’s shoulder.   Understand that people in this world can have different protocols.  Some are very strict.  Don’t assume that everyone will engage with you.  Some people may not be free to do so.  Don’t speak to someone else’s partner without checking first.  If you can’t check and you don’t get a response, don’t assume the person is being rude.  They may not be allowed to talk with anyone.  Think of it like meeting a monk or nun who is under a vow of silence. Take the time to learn how to do things properly.  Many activities that you will engage in if you are exploring BDSM and power exchange will involve an increased level of risk.  If you don’t learn how to do things properly, you have a high risk of injuring yourself or someone else.    There are two acronyms regularly used by people who engage in BDSM to describe risk.  The first is Safe, Sane and Consensual.  People who work to this protocol do things in the safest way possible, they don’t take short-cuts and highlight consent.  The second is Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  These folks highlight the fact that all activities have risk and that you must be aware of the risk level of things you are choosing to engage in.  They also highlight consent. Finally, maximise enjoyment.  Do everything you can to raise the probability that you will have a brilliant time. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  Join me next week when I will be starting a series on sex toys.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Thanks for joining me for part 4 of this series on BDSM and Power Exchange.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. In parts 1-3 of this series we examined BDSM and power exchange from a number of angles.  This week, I look at the practicalities for getting started if BDSM and power exchange turn you on. I will start with things everyone needs to consider whether partnered or un-partnered.  Then I will give specifics for singles.  I will follow this with specifics for couples.  Where to start?  You might want to grab something to write with and some paper now.  Some people believe they need to work out every detail before actually leaving the house.  Not only isn’t this a good idea but it isn’t possible.  You won’t know exactly what you will enjoy until you have begun to experiment.  I advise not to think in terms of NEVER or ALWAYS.  Even some hard limits may shift after some time.    However, it is a good idea to have an idea of your current limits, interests and desires.    Start with the shape of your relationship.  If you are single, decide if you are looking for one person or people to experiment with, or if you are looking for one relationship that will include BDSM as part of the relationship or more than one relationship (and if only one or more than one will include BDSM).  If you are partnered, are you going to involve anyone else in your exploration of BDSM and power exchange? Next consider whether you are going to explore in public venues or in private on your own or both.  Many people enjoy going to public venues (like Torture Garden in London, UK) or private parties (which are still public as you are playing in the presence of other people) or at public events (like Weekend Reunion in New Jersey in the US every August or Master slave Conference which happens annually in the Washington DC area usually Labor Day weekend).  Some people prefer to experiment on their own at home and not to attend any events.   There are pros and cons to both. Pros to going to events where there are other people present: You can meet people who you might want to play with. Events are a good place to connect with others who may share your interests and desires.  Meeting people in person is still the best way to figure out if you are compatible and also to get a sense of trustworthiness.  Most of us get gut feelings when we meet people and if we feel uncomfortable can walk away from any potential relationship right then.    Meeting people online can be useful but until you make contact face to face, you won’t truly know if there is any chance of things progressing.  Some events have only a few attendees and others have thousands. You can meet people who you might wish to learn from. Experienced people often attend public events and that gives newer people the opportunity to watch them and also to learn from them.  Sometimes you can get actual instruction and other times the opportunity to arrange a time to learn from them.    It is a good idea to get some hands on instruction to learn things like flogging, using a single tail whip or bullwhip, suspension bondage, needle play or any kind of edge play.  There are many other things where you can benefit from instruction.  You can enjoy watching others play. Watching others play is really hot.  It gives you the opportunity to see a variety of activities which will help you to decide if that is something you might want to try.  Sometimes watching helps people to eliminate activities as well. You can enjoy being watched by others. Some people get really turned on by having others watching them.  Parties are great places to indulge in exhibitionism that doesn’t put you at risk of being caught and arrested.  (Or at least drastically lowers the risk) You can socialise with people who share your interests. Parties and events are great places to socialise with people who also enjoy BDSM and power exchange.  For people who are in the closet amongst most if not all of their family and friends, these spaces are the only places where they can truly be out and congruent with all parts of themselves visible.  Of course just because you enjoy BDSM doesn’t mean you will have lots of other things in common.     Cons of going to events where there are other people present: You will be visible. Events where there are other people mean that you will be visible.  If you are worried about running into people who may not approve of what you are doing, this could be a reason not to play in public. Events cost money and can be expensive. Most parties and events cost some money to cover the cost of the venue, safe sex supplies, dungeon furniture, event insurance and any refreshments. You might not feel you fit in. Some events have cliques.  Some events have very few LGBTQ people.  Others have few POC (people of colour).  The first event my husband and I attended we didn’t feel we fit in terribly well.  There were almost no POC present and there were no other interracial couples.  Sex during a scene may be off limits.  Look for sex positive events if you want to integrate penetrative sex into a scene.   Pros to experimenting alone Things are completely private between you and your partner.  This can increase intimacy. You can have full penetrative sex during your scene if you wish. At many events, full nudity is prohibited and full penetrative sex is prohibited either for legal reasons or because it is a rule of the event.  Cons of experimenting in private only: When things go wrong, there is no one to get advice from.  If you are new to all of this, it can be really helpful to have someone experienced around in case something doesn’t go to plan. Now consider who is going to be in charge?  How do you want to shape your power exchange? If you are single: What role are you most drawn to?  Have you always wanted to call the shots and be in control?  If so, you may be dominant.  Would you love to be able to surrender to someone else for a change?  If so, you may be submissive.  Do you feel equally drawn to both roles or is your desire dependent upon who you are interested in playing with?  If so, you may be a switch. If you are partnered: Many couples fall into natural roles before they decide to experiment with power exchange.  These may be the roles they adopt when they start experimenting but they are not always.  Talk through who would like to be in control, who would like to surrender.  Consider service.  While some dominants enjoy service – they enjoy giving the submissive what will make them happy, many prefer to be served.     It may be that you both feel you could be in either role and enjoy it and then you can work out switching and talk about who will be in charge when. Sometimes both partners feel strongly that they are dominant or that they are submissive.  When this is the case, they usually find they wish to look for someone else to take the other power role as in the last podcast when I spoke to Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who are a dominant couple. Next the activities you are interested in: It is a good idea to make a list of all the things that turn you on and that you might want to try at some point.  When you have finished this list, it is a good idea to make a list of things you absolutely don’t want to try.  These are the things you may consider your hard limits.    If you are single, have this list to hand when you meet someone you might want to play with as you will refer to it as you negotiate. Pick a few things that you would like to try first.  It’s a good idea to have the things you start with be entry level things.  For example, if you have never experienced any pain during sex and you are in the submissive role, don’t start with whipping with a bullwhip.    Instead, if pain appeals to you, start with a light flogging or light spanking.    Don’t forget service activities like giving a foot massage, bringing drinks and snacks and serving them to the person who is in the dominant role.  Ask the person who you think you want to play with what they like for service. If you are partnered: Set aside some time and share your lists with each other.  Be clear about hard limits first.   Then look at the things that you might want to try.  Consider entry level activities first: various types of service, if you are looking at using pain consider light spankings or light floggings.    Consider things that demonstrate that the dominant is in charge like binding the submissive’s hands or having the submissive kneel or sit at the dominant’s feet. Both single and partnered need to consider if you are going to include sexual activities integrated in the BDSM and power exchange.  Some people do not at all though orgasm can occur as part of the power exchange activities (for example during a flogging).  Orgasm is often controlled by the dominant person and can be used as a reward for performing service or taking pain.  If you are going to include sexual activities, consider the context.  If you are not, consider when you will engage in sexual activities after the BDSM session. Single and partnered: Now you have done most of the pre-planning, the next step is planning. If you have decided to attend a public event, pick the event and get in contact with the organisers.  It’s useful to request a list of rules and expectations and check the prices.  Pick out the clothing you will wear.  Most events have a dress code and this usually requires fetish clothing or all black clothing.  No jeans allowed.  In the next podcast I will cover resources for finding events, clothing and accessories. If you are single: Consider how you will deal with approaches from people who want to play with you.  Do you want to just observe the first time you go to an event?  If you decide you will play if asked, do you want to limit your activities to the event?  If you are playing with someone, make sure to arrange a safeword.  This is a word that stops the action when it is said.  If this new person does not want to use a safe word – walk away.  Lots of people choose not to use safe words but this is usually when they know people reasonably well so that they can read each other.   It is important to consider if you will leave the party with someone you meet or not. If you are going to do so, please tell someone you know where you are going and have them make a safe call to you . A safe call is when you arrange for a friend to telephone you to make sure that you are safe.  You pick a phrase that will tell a friend that you are not safe and to call the police.  Make the phrase something that will sound normal in the course of a brief conversation.  For example, you could say ‘I am having a good time’ or ‘thanks for calling’.  Whatever you choose, make sure it isn’t something you are likely to say by accident if you are really excited and having a great time.  The last thing you need is the police showing up when nothing is wrong!    Make sure your phone is accessible and can be heard because if you don’t answer, your friend will send the police and there will be lots of embarrassing explaining.  You should arrange a safe call any time you are engaging in BDSM with someone you don’t know well.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time  to look after yourself. If you are partnered: Are you playing with anyone else?  What kind of scene do you want to engage in?  Will you bring any toys with you?  Talk about all of these things before heading to the event.  It is a good idea to have a safe word when you are a beginning player even if you are playing with a partner you know well because you haven’t engaged in this type of activity before you won’t necessarily be able to read them when it comes to BDSM.  Make sure you agree that you will leave when one of you wants to leave so that there is no argument during the evening.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time to look after yourself.  Building anticipation In the lead up to the event, you may find that anticipation is building.  This is great when the event itself is all you hoped it would be.  If the event turns out to be bad or a drag, it can be an even bigger let down because of the built up anticipation.  At those times, remind yourself that this isn’t the only time you will try something and that you learn from everything you try.  Then see if you can find the things that are positive you can pull from the experience. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 5 of this series when we will cover resources so you can connect with other players, find events, find clothing, accessories and erotica.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Aired Thursday, 18 May 2017, 4:00 PM ET Sex Rituals to Raise Sexual Excitement with Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey Rituals are part of every aspect of our lives. Incorporating rituals instead of routines into your sexual life can raise the level of excitement, help you to create a deeper connection with your partner(s) and turn your sex into worship. Routines are usually things we do without thinking so much and this can lead to boredom. Ritual requires 100% attention, being focused on now. Most of the rituals Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey incorporates create sacred space and bring the divine into self and lover. The ritual can be a simple as bathing each other before playing together or as complex as setting up a dungeon and enacting a intricate BDSM session. Adding deliberately charged energy to any sexual session intensifies and electrifies. About the Guest: Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey is a Sex & Intimacy Coach, Psychologist, Speaker, Educator and Author. She works with individuals, couples and polyamorous groups to help them find and create their ideal intimate relationships. She works with all genders and sexual orientations. Dr. Lori Beth has a specialty in healing sexual trauma and helping people move beyond survivor and back into full sexual life. She is kink knowledgeable, sees sexual energy as divine energy and some forms of kink as the easiest way to raise large quantities of energy. To follow her adventures, sign up for her newsletter, or catch her podcasts: The A to Z of Sex and Sex Spoken Here on iTunes.

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the reality of 50 Shades Part 3 Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. We have been delving deep into these areas for the past two episodes. Quick recap: For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged. Joining me today to continue the discussion are Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who have the House of Kemi-Nesew. They are both lifestyle dominants for more than the past 15 years. First I asked them to describe what a dominant couple led household looks like. They both emphasised that it requires one vision and that they discuss things together and lead from there.  We spoke about the difference between this type of household and one where there is a dominant at the top and a switch (someone who is dominant sometimes and submissive others) next and others underneath. Pharaoh highlighted that this is still a single led household so one person is responsible for all final decisions. They pointed out that they are able to support each other because they both have the same vision even to the point of one stepping in during a scene if the other is finding energy a bit low.  We highlighted the fact that service to a couple is not only possible but can be very rewarding. It can be a bit complicated but certainly isn’t too complicated to work.  They spoke of wanting people who are clear they are submissive to both of them and that they will be taking direction from both of them and wanting people who are already adults and handle their own lives. They are not interested in total power exchange at this time as it is far too much energy and they have a child at home and don’t want to be overt in front of their child.  We talked about the fact that some people are completely out in front of their children and the details of their lives are clear and that many of us feel that we don’t want to give our children too much information as we want them to enjoy their childhoods without having to think about things they are not yet ready to deal with. We spoke about the joys in having someone who has a high level of congruence to share the head of household with and that communication is essential to making these relationships work. They pointed out that people who are new to this type of relationship benefit from having mentors and that even experienced folk find benefit in having a mentor to talk through difficult bits of relationships with. Pharoah pointed out that lifestyle and kinky relationships require putting all your cards on the table immediately so that people know what they are getting into and that there is lots of conversation and negotiation early on whereas vanilla relationships tend to build slowly and often people find themselves emotionally committed before really knowing each other. We spoke about the desire for love and thinking that you can only love one person at a time being one of the problems that dominants are presented with and that many people enter this new type of relationship with the patterns from their old relationships still in place. Many are looking for husbands or wives and just substitute Master or Mistress as the terms they use. This does not work well.  We ended with encouragement to consider this lifestyle and to approach a dominant couple. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week    

Sex Spoken Here BDSM, Power Dynamics in Relationships and the reality of 50 Shades Part 2 Welcome to my virtual therapy room! I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. As this podcast contains adult material, if you don ’ t have total privacy you might want to wear headphones. Today we are continuing our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship. If you have not heard part one, please go and download it from iTunes of https://the-intimacy-coach/podcast . Last week we focused on some definitions and an introductory discussion around where we found power dynamics, power exchange and BDSM. Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst and philosopher to speak on this topic. It ’ s good to see you Dr Boileau. We started by talking about reflection and Dr Boileau made the point that there is direct reflection where you think about your thoughts and a pre-reflective and preconscious space where you act on intuition and there is flow and spontaneity. We spoke about this being so especially when you are exploring anything that involves extreme motivation as sexuality does.     Dr Boileau spoke of the daimonic which can turn demonic – aggressive and violent without responsibility or be open to experience, responsible and eros-laden. We spoke about normative sexual relationships as being dictated by culture, family upbringing and Dr Boileau adds corporatized and dictated by a patriarchal capitalist structure. He describes these as very routinized relationships and spoke of the structure coming fro m the 9 to 5 job, Monday to Friday with family obligations at weekends. And that people who step out of this mold can find themselves shamed. We spoke about people who explore this type of sexuality as having higher levels of awareness and empathy with a willingness to listen and the interrelational exploration increasing empathy and ability to communicate. We then moved on to talk about power more directly. Dr Boileau highlighted that in the old days power was seen as a thing where as now it is described relationally. So we would look at power as a strategic and tactical relationship and that describes your place in the dynamic and your ability to make an impact on those around you in a variety of circumstances.   Dr Boileau then went on to say that people who enter in to this exploration have a moral obligation to do it in a way that does not  harm psychologically and that this is why it is important to learn from those who are more experienced. He spoke about the need for people to reflect so that they are not simply acting on impulses saying they need to be in charge of themselves. Then we discussed the value in having a mentor.   We spoke about the shame people can experience when they engage in something that normative society doesn't overtly sanction and also how people can feel shame if they are in a committed relationships and they wish to explore but their partner does not. We spoke of the difficulty couples have when one person grows and changes and said that sometimes the other person may find it hard to support the growth as they are scared of losing their partner because they do not recognise this person as the one they fell in love with. We agreed that speaking with a psychotherapist who has expertise in working with these areas or a sex coach with expertise in these areas is important and can make the difference between weathering the difficult patch and creating something great together and the relationship ending.   At the end of the show, I suggested that the next time we talk, we discuss why people would want to engage in BDSM or power exchange as I am often asked this question. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now! I look forward to seeing you next week for part 3 of the series when I speak with Pharoah Khaf-Ra and Empress Nahara, a dominant couple.        

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Today we are beginning our discussion about BDSM and power dynamics in relationship.  Since the advent of 50 Shades of Grey, many people have approached me wondering if BDSM is something for them or saying their partner has come out as dominant or submissive and wanting to understand power dynamics in relationships and talk about power exchange. In the next four episodes of Sex Spoken Here we will delve deep into these areas. For those of you who don’t know, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism.  Power exchange relationships are ones in which one person takes the dominant role and the other person the submissive role by agreement.  Almost all relationships contain power dynamics they are just not necessarily negotiated or clearly acknowledged.  Joining me to start our discussion into these areas and to delve into some of the theory is Dr Kevin Boileau, psychoanalyst and philosopher to speak on this topic. It’s good to see you Dr Boileau. We started by introducing the topics of power exchange, BDSM and power dynamics in relationships. Of the many points made,  one of the most important was that in order to explore these areas , a person needs to be self-aware and to take responsibility with a capital R (for self and for other).    Dr Boileau spoke about the different forms of power and how power is a part of all aspects of our lives.  He spoke about the creativity involved in deciding to explore power exchange and BDSM in a committed relationship or even in a shorter term relationship and that this creativity creates a space for growth.  He spoke of the importance of creating a safe space and also recognition that for some people entering into this type of exploration can be a negative experience.  Dr Boileau pointed out that the concept of sadomasochism is a complex one. He highlighted that there are true sadists with varying levels of psychopathology who simply enjoy hurting others and that there are also masochists who gain enjoy pain in unhealthy ways.   We talked about the level of responsibility if you are entering into a consensual power exchange and that it means that a person has to consider more about what they are actually agreeing to do and so often paves the way for growth.  We spoke of the shame that can be involved in trying to talk about these very intimate issues and for some people there is shame in even thinking about these things and how much easier it can be if there is a third person present, often a professional, to help make it safer to explore and experience and express the feelings that come with intimacy and being creative around intimate behaviour.  This was very much an introduction to terms with definitions of bondage, discipline and sadomasochism, power and power dynamics. In the next episode, we delve deeper into some of the theory relating to these types of roles, relationships and lifestlyes and provide more concrete specific examples. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week    

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Joining me today is Cooper Beckett. Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging. We started by talking about swinging and spoke about the swinging culture in the late 70’s early 80’s and how that went underground after the AIDS crisis began.  Cooper talked about the new renaissance that has existed since the internet has boomed and how much easier it is for people to find each other.  We spoke about the normative swingers – heterosexual male and a bisexual or bicurious female.  Cooper talked about how much more he has enjoyed having parties that are sex parties instead of swinging parties where there is a larger cross section of the non-monogamous community.  We spoke about the invisibility of the bisexual male and Cooper talked about the fear that heterosexual males demonstrate when confronted with male bisexuality but also about the attitude from some of the gay community that there is no such thing as bisexuality.  I agreed that this was also my experience and both of us spoke about the importance of identifying loudly as bisexual to educate others about bi-invisibility.  Cooper spoke about the prevalence of people who are ‘broken’ in some way in alternative communities and made it clear that he wasn’t talking damaged.  The example he used was the larger number of people with chronic illness who are seen in these communities and he suggested that people who have chronic illness look for things to make them feel less miserable and so explore more.  We spoke about how research in this area would be fascinating and he spoke about the need for research on prostate orgasm (as there is a suggestion of a correlation between regular prostate stimulation and lower levels of prostate cancer) but that there is no research money for any research on sexuality.  Cooper’s book, Approaching the Swingularity has just been released.  Click the link to purchase from his site www.coopersbeckett.com.  (Though it can also be purchased on Amazon.  As he is an independent publisher, purchases from his site give him more of the price so please consider purchasing directly).  You can also find him on twitter @coopersbeckett.  Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week when we begin our series on BDSM and Power Exchange.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Today I answer the question ‘What is being poly (a swinger, having an open relationship) really like?’ with relationship stories I have gathered over my years as a non-monogamist, as a therapist and as a coach.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   Personally, I never understood why someone would expect one person to meet all of their needs.  It seemed to me that I could easily love more than one person at a time and that doing so meant that I got to have variety and a more stable support network.    But I grew up in a family with parents who were not only monogamous but my mother had never had a sexual relationship with anyone other than my father.  She met him at age 16 and they married when she was 18.  My grandmother (her mother) had three husbands and at least one other relationship and urged my mother to find her one man and stick with him.  My mother has often said that I am much like my grandmother and associated this with having a harder life and making poor choices.  Whereas I see this as having a rich life albeit with more complications than the average person coming from a heteronormative background.   I was actively encouraged to adopt my parents world view and to look for the one person I would ‘settle down with’ and have a family with.  For a variety of reasons, this didn’t appeal to me.   But the pressure was intense.  So much so, that I had a monogamous marriage as my first marriage.    Many of the people I have met, shared life with, interviewed and worked with over the past 37 years (I was 17 when I was in my first proper consensual non-monogamous relationship) have experienced the same pressure to conform to their family’s and society’s expectations.  AnnMarie has been a swinger for the past 25 years.  She was in a monogamous marriage when the subject first came up.   She and her husband had little exciting sex together.  She described it as their rhythms not matching.  She enjoyed leisurely sensual sex and he liked rough intense sex.  The lack of agreement made for sex that was less than satisfying for both of them.   She said they both always felt compromised which made her very sad.  AnnMarie said that they spoke of breaking up but that they got along in every other way so they both felt it would be wrong to do so.  At the same time, neither wanted to give up sex even though sex with each other didn’t work terribly well.   AnnMarie described looking through a local magazine that ran ads for escort workers, professional dominatrices and personal ads together trying to see if they could come up with something that would excite them both.  She said they came upon an ad for a swingers club.  ‘The place looked cool and we were excited reading the details.   We decided to try it that weekend.  We were so excited getting ready and it felt like it did when we first got together.  We made an agreement that we would only watch the first time and play with each other and off we went.    The night was amazing.  We had some of the best sex of our relationship when we got home so we decided to go again.  This time we agreed that we might ask another man to join us for some fun while we were there.  At first we didn’t meet anyone that either of us was interested in but after midnight, Roger arrived and it was like a spark hit both of us.   I hadn’t known that my husband always fantasised about sharing me with another man.  That night, he was able to act out the fantasy and we all had a great time.  One explosive orgasm after another.   And when we got home it was even better sex.   So that was when we became swingers.  After that,  we created our own ad for the magazine.  We joined our local swingers club. When the internet arrived, we created a profile on all the main swinger sites.  We went to the club twice a month at first.  Then we would go to the club once and get together privately with friends or go to a party once a month.  In the last few years, it has only been once a month as we have been busy with other things but we still love it.’   There are so many styles of consensual non-monogamy that it highlights how individual each relationship is.   John and Gregory met at a partner swapping party given by friends.  ‘Because when we met, we were each in semi-monogamous relationships, we didn’t really consider the possibility of getting together.   We had a great time and then followed the rules and said goodbye.  A month later we attended another party and rigged things so we ended up together again even though this was really against the rules.   We said goodbye again reluctantly and without the other one knowing, both of us ended our relationships within two weeks of that second party.  I got in touch with Greg a week afterward by email and told him how I felt about him.   He told me he felt the same so we got together for dinner which wound up with us having hot sex in the restaurant toilets and then going home together.  After a month we decided to come see you so that we could make sure we had good agreements about how our relationship would work.  We didn’t want to find ourselves splitting up because we made assumptions.’    John and Gregory saw me for 40 hours sex & intimacy coaching all told over about 6 months.   8 hours of that was individual work and the rest of the sessions were as a couple.  They spent the time looking at their expectations, creating clear agreements about communication, time spent together, relationship goals, other sexual relationships, boundaries and limits.  They tried out their agreements around non-monogamy during the work and then looked at how they felt.  Greg became jealous when John prioritised a date with someone new over their regular monthly poker game.  Greg worked on his feelings and they added an agreement about what type of things are prioritised for their relationship.  In this case, they agreed that the poker game was not to be prioritised in future.   When they moved in with each other one year after we finished the work, they came back to see me for 4 sessions to revisit some of their agreements in light of them living together.  John still wanted to make sure he had his alone time and so they agreed one night per week of separate time.  As neither of them had started other lasting relationships, this worked well.      Sometimes it is not possible to involved everyone who is romantically attached to the people seeking help in the work.  When Tara and Ruby came to see me they had been together two years.  Ruby had lived with Wendy for four years.  Tara had no other steady partners.  Wendy had been seeing Jeff for 18 months.  They came to see me because Tara did not manage Ruby’s relationship with Wendy well at all.  Tara wanted to get to know Wendy and any other partners that Ruby had as she said this made her feel safer.  Wendy did not want to meet Ruby’s other partners and they had an agreement that they would not meet each other’s paramours so Tara’s insistence on meeting Wendy in the future caused a problem for Ruby.      Tara started by saying ‘I feel less safe when I don’t know the other important people in my lover’s life.  I identify as polyamorous but I rarely have more than one partner at a time because I find it difficult to divide my time and attention.’  Ruby’s reply was ‘I feel pressured to push Wendy to change our agreement because you get so upset about me spending time with her.  I feel you do not respect my relationship with her which was there before you were.  I feel pressured to spend more time with you and devote more attention to you because when I do not, you become depressed.’    Though we invited Wendy to take part in this work, she was adamant that she did not want to meet Tara and that she wanted Tara to take a step back because the pressure was causing issues in her relationship with Ruby.   Ruby and Tara tried to negotiate a new agreement as to time and priorities in their relationship.  After a few months of this work, Tara admitted that she was not comfortable with a polyamorous relationship where the paramours and even metamours (the people that your paramour is involved with – Jeff is Ruby’s metamour because he is the lover of Wendy) did not know each other and so Tara and Ruby ended their relationship amicably.   Other times, people come in as a group to work on various aspects of their relationships.  When this happens, I often end up seeing different relationship combinations for some sessions, individuals for other sessions and the whole group for some sessions.  Robert, Lance and Maria came in to work with me in order to look at how expectations caused issues in their relationships with each other and to clarify and agree upon expectations.  Lance and Maria are married and at the time they came in to coaching they had been married for 15 years.  Robert was single at that time and had been involved with Maria for 2 years.  They originally met at a kink event and had some fun together.  Lance realised that Robert was very interested in Maria but not interested in him and so he stepped back and encouraged Robert and Maria to form their own relationship.  This worked well for the first 6 months and then the fractures began appearing.  Robert complained that Maria expected him to ‘drop everything’ when she was available to see him but that she always prioritised her relationship with Lance.  Lance complained that it felt like Maria prioritised her relationship with Robert.  Maria complained that both men expected her to be ‘at their beck and call’ and that they rarely paid attention to what she needed and wanted.  It quickly became clear that Robert waited around a lot for Maria to be available and that he tended not to plan things with friends or other possible lovers because he wanted to be there when Maria was free.  Though he initially saw this as Maria’s expectation of him, when he examined this further, he realised that it was his desire to have more time with Maria which meant that he chose to wait around in case she was free.  When she wasn’t free ‘enough’ he became upset and angry and blamed her for how he was feeling.  Robert and Maria made a clear agreement to see each other one evening/night per week.  Maria encouraged Robert to date other people and Robert agreed that he would try to do so.    Lance said he felt better having clear parameters as to when Robert and Maria would see each other.    Maria negotiated an additional day’/evening/night per week for herself with Lance and said that she might use this to date or she might use this as time for herself.     Lance still felt that Maria was prioritising her relationship with Robert but he was able to take responsibility for these feelings.  Robert and Lance had a session together to improve their communication.   When they left coaching, the separate relationships were going strong and the three even enjoyed some social time together.   Arman and Jenny have been married for 20 years.  After 15 years of marriage, they found their relationship was stagnant.  Arman and Jenny have always communicated well.  They talked to each other about being attracted to other people.  One evening, Jenny decided to tell Arman an erotic story.  She created a story in which she met someone on one of her business trips.  They both found this extremely hot and enjoyed the sex so much that the next day they began talking about how they might try this in reality.     They started by making some ground rules: 1 No giving out contact details to dates 2 One date only  3 No sleep overs 4 Dates only when away on trips 5 Safe sex only.  For the past 5 years they have enjoyed adding these spicy encounters to their sex life.  Arman says ‘The rules have made it possible for us to have variety without jealousy.  We still share each encounter.   We are having as much fun as we did when we began 20 years ago.’   I’d like to finish this podcast by answering a question sent in by Josh who asked whether ‘ ‘don’t ask don’t tell’  can work.  ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ is when a couple agrees that they can have occasional sexual encounters with others but that they will not tell each other about these encounters and they will not ask each other if they are having them.   For some couples this works well long term and for others this doesn’t work well at all.   Problems arise when evidence is discovered by the other partner that reminds them that their partner may be having sexual relationships with other people.  Other times the extra-couple sexual activity is highlighted because of a sexually transmitted infection, a poor choice for extra-couple partner (someone who telephones the home and is not willing to have a one night stand).   Couples who do this successfully usually limit the experiences to a certain number of times per year or when away from home or both.     Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 4 of this series.      

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Today we are continuing our discussion about non-monogamy.  Joining me again to explore this is Dr Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History. Website: www.rewriting-the-rules.com. Twitter: @megjohnbarker. Welcome to the show. Today I would love to focus on the practicalities involved in non-monogamy. Let’s start with how you know if non-monogamy is for you?  Meg-John spoke about reading about different types of non-monogamy in Tristan Tamorino’s book Opening Up , reading the classic book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, The Ethical Slut and reading Frankline Veaux and Tatiana Gill’s More than Two. We spoke about taking things slowly and examining your needs and looking at what feels like it will suit your style. Meg-John highlighted the fact that you may not know how things will work for you until you actually try things but we both agreed that the more thought you put into your needs and limits and the more you explored before jumping into a relationship, the more likely you will make a better relationship choice. Meg-John identified metacommunication (talking about the way in which you communicate including what information is shared with your partner) is a skill that is particularly helpful when talking with potential lovers or partners.  We both identified high level communication skills, conflict management skills and assertiveness as essential life skills as well. Meg-John said that some people they know have taken to using a shared google doc to design their relationship including talking about expectations, limits, desires, form of non-monogamy, the way time is spent and even the relationship patterns that you have identified that might not be the best. Meg-John suggested that rather than doing what one does when dating which is present all the shiny pretty things and sometimes pretend there are no more murky parts to the self, in this situation, one is presenting the murky parts up front as part of the whole. We spoke about jealousy and about learning to experience the feeling fully and then sit with it, reflecting to understand where it is coming from and gain insight. Once that insight is gained, perhaps speaking to the person about the jealousy but not in a way that looks for the person to change their behaviour. Meg-John did make the point that just because someone is polyamorous does not mean that they are perfect or nice and that sometimes people act like jerks and then jealousy might be a very appropriate response. We finished up by speaking about how you can go about meeting other polyamorous people. We spoke about using Meetup to find groups, locating groups on Facebook, and that in urban areas people can even look for groups that cover some of their intersectionalities. We noted that in some poly groups a certain type of person can be overwhelmed by requests for dates while other people can find themselves feeling rejected as they might be ignored. We also highlighted that there can be pressure in more sex-positive groups to be poly or non-monogamous as well and that learning assertiveness is also an essential skill to manage these areas. Dr Meg-John Barker’s books mentioned on the program: Enjoy Sex (How, when and if you want to) (with Justin Hancock) Free Zines Twitter @megjohnbarker Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/megjohnbarkerwriter Website: Rewriting the Rules  Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are beginning our discussion about non-monogamy.  Joining me to explore this is Dr Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular books Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love and Queer: A Graphic History. Welcome to the show. Let’s start with some definitions of non-monogamies.  Meg-John spoke of definitions that run from fully monogamous in the strictest sense which may preclude having friends of the opposite gender through to monogamish in which a couple may say that kissing other people is OK or certain sexual acts are OK  through open relationships where there is sex with others (including swinging, don’t ask don’t tell) through to polyamory where there are multiple romantic partners, mentioning polygamy (1 man multiple wives) and polyandry (1 woman multiple husbands). Meg-John spoke of how many different forms all of these can take and spoke of relationship anarchy where people don’t prioritise any type of relationship and also solo polyamory where someone considers their primary relationship to be with themselves.   Meg-John made the point that relationships are like fingerprints, completely individual and that people can and should construct the relationships that work for them. I note the new research on sexual orientation that sees orientation as flowing over a number of axes instead of just heterosexual to homosexual. How do non-monogamies fit here? Meg-John replied that non-monogamies can be seen as part of the sexuality and sexual orientation spectrum. They spoke about the work of Dr Elisabeth Sheff on polyamory and how many people see non-monogamy as one axis that is part of sexual orientation spectrum and that this can be fluid over the life time. We discussed the statistics in relation to monogamy and non-monogamy and highlighted that if one looks worldwide non-monogamy is more usual and that in the west if one includes non-consensual non-monogamy (like affairs and flings), then non-monogamy is also the norm. Meg-John and I both agreed and repeatedly highlighted that there is no one way to have a relationship and that it is essential that education talk about the many possible ways to be in relationship and highlight that none of them are right or wrong rather a style may be right or wrong for you.  In part two, we talk about some of the practicalities of non-monogamy. You can find Dr Meg-John Barker at: Website: www.rewriting-the-rules.com. Twitter: @megjohnbarker. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 2 of this series.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are talking about Sex and Technology! It’s the 21st century and many of us don’t go anywhere without our phones, our pads and myriad wearables to connect to the internet. What used to be confined to behind closed doors, sex has now entered a new open world or sort of open – on the internet. We no longer rely on dating services that make introductions face to face. We choose partners on the internet – often because we discover them in special interest groups that cater to our individual sexualities. When people have sexual difficulties, they also turn to the internet as the first place for information. But what are the ethics in this brave new world? How can we encourage people to connect intimately by using technology? Today I am joined by Kate Moyle and Marta Plaza. Kate Moyle is a Qualified Psychosexual Therapist working with couples and individuals to help get them to a place of sexual health, happiness and wellbeing. She believes in offering her clients a confidential and taboo free space, where they can address their sexual issues and concerns and create a path to change that is right for them as individuals. After completing a BSc degree in Psychology Kate went onto complete her Post Graduate Diploma in Psychosexual Therapy and a three year MA in Relationship Therapy. Kate is also the co-developer of the Pillow Play ap. This ap helps couples to get creative with intimacy.  Marta has been involved with tech since she left college and a couple of years ago joined to build Desire, a game for couples. Desire game can be as romantic as you want or as spicy as you want, depending on your mood and on what you like in that moment. The game uses gamification to spice up the relationship and bring couples closer creating great memories between them. Desire has currently half million downloads thru iPhone and Android and couples enjoy daring each other.  We talked about how technology can facilitate closer relationships. We discussed the need for adults to remember how to play and that both of these games facilitate play and more playful communication which deepens intimacy. We also talked about the need for novelty in relationships to keep things fresh, increase the intimate bond and help break routines. Marta’s game, Desire involves having the couples dare each other to do things and there is a point system and scoring takes place online. She described a comment on line when the game was released where a woman said her husband was shy in the bedroom but the game appealed to his ego with the points and this meant that she was having more fun too. Kate spoke about her app creating more communication between couples.   We all agreed that technology can be extremely helpful to increase communication between couples and that it can also act as a distraction. We spoke about couples needing to set boundaries in their relationships as to how and when technology is used. I brought up a desire to see technology in the future used to help couples with sexual dysfunction and we made brief mention of virtual reality.   To find pillow play, go to the app store or download from the website http://www.pillow.io/ To find Desire – download from googleplay and the app store or the website http://www.desire.games/  Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room! I’m Dr Lori Beth and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are talking about communication and sex. Many people find talking about sex very difficult. In my experience, heterosexual couples don’t spend much time talking about sex at the beginning of a relationship. Some have the ‘safe sex’ talk  but many others simply use condoms and avoid this talk.  Heterosexual couples who do talk about sex before having it come in three flavours: People who prefer kinky sex, people who become involved online (and don’t meet in person quickly), and people who have a sexually transmitted disease and are concerned they could pass it on.    Many gay men also don’t talk a lot about sex before having sex. But more are happy to talk about sex (at least have a safe sex conversation) than heterosexuals. The same is true for lesbian women.  Lots of people ask me what the problem is – you have sex, you enjoy sex – what is there to talk about? When you first fall for someone, the sexual energy is high – almost anything you do together sexually can feel good. You spend a lot of time thinking of your new partner, fantasizing about what you will do together. By the time you have sex, you are halfway or more to orgasm. What he does to you doesn’t matter so much. Lots of couples ignore when things don’t quite fit. Both women and men will fake orgasm so as not to hurt their partners.    Once the relationship settles down into a routine, things change.  Part of this is biochemical.  Research has highlighted that it only takes between 1 ½ minutes and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone. 55% of attraction is down to body language, 38% tone and speed of voice and only 7% as a result of what is said. When you first fall in love, you are driven by testosterone and oestrogen.  Then adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin play a crucial role in fostering your attraction. It is at this point when all you think of is your lover. Oxytocin and vasopressin encourage you to attach to your lover. These chemicals are around after you have sex so the more sex you have, the more you attach and bond. Then you enter routine relationship and these chemicals die down. This is the point at which couples report the beginnings of sexual issues. Usually this is between 6 months and 2 years in a relationship. This is the point at which talking about sex becomes important but if you have not talked about sex much before, it is the point where it becomes extremely hard to bring the subject up. If you tell your lover you aren’t reaching orgasm, you worry that they will be hurt and also that they will ask if you were faking until that point.  If there is something kinky that you really fancy doing, you worry that your partner will be disgusted or reject you.  Lots of couples settle into a routine of not talking about sex. Sex becomes something that happens in the same way, same day and sometimes even the same time. The longer the routine goes on without talking about things, the harder it is to talk about things.    Sometimes this means people live unhappily for years and then something happens that provokes them to get some help. Other times, one partner has an affair. Sometimes the couple then gets help and far more often the couple separates.  In my most memorable case, a couple was referred to me by a fertility doctor because they were arguing a lot and this doctor felt that they needed to learn to communicate. They had been undergoing fertility treatment for 9 months and no pregnancy had yet occurred.  I have always preferred to take a comprehensive history when I start working with people.  As part of this, I ask about sex life.   Margie told me that they don’t have sex. I asked when they stopped having sex and she replied ‘We have never had proper sex’.  I was a bit stumped.  I clarified ‘You haven’t had sexual intercourse’. And both said ‘yes’.  I asked if the doctors working with them knew and they replied ‘No.’ No one had ever explored this with them before. I asked how they knew they needed fertility treatment and Margie replied ‘Well I can’t get pregnant if he won’t fuck me can I?’  I agreed. In exploring their sex life, Ken admitted that he had never had penetrative sex with anyone. He told me that he could only reach orgasm through masturbation and that he had very specific fantasies that he was embarrassed to discuss.  Their sex life had been at the centre of their marital difficulties for years.  Margie told me that she had given up on ever having a sex life but was willing to live with this because she wasn’t very sexual anyway. What she was not willing to live with was not having a family. Margie desperately wanted a baby. At first they did not want to work on their sexual life at all as part of the couples work. They simply wanted to focus on learning to communicate so that they were not ‘being horrible’ to each other anymore. After working together for 6 months, they agreed to do some work on their sex life. In this case, most of the work was with Ken as he need helped to disclose his desires to his wife and to break out of the habit he had developed so that he could reach orgasm via other means. They stopped fertility treatment after 6 months of working with me as they had not achieved pregnancy and the expense was so great. After we worked on their sexual life for 8 months, they became pregnant through having sex and were thrilled to bits. Most of the work we did was on communication. We started with the basics. Know your own mind – Before you can communicate effectively, you have to know what you want to say. When it comes to talking about sex this means knowing what turns you on and what you want from your partner.  Be clear about your approach to the conversation. Conversations about sex feel very tricky. Part of this is usually a fear that your partner will be horrified and reject you. Part of this is often a fear that your partner will be hurt by what you are saying. If you are going to tell your partner that you would like her to do something different, she might wonder if you have been faking all along. If you are able to say that you want to try something different in a way that excites her, this is less likely to be the case. Say ‘I would love it if we could try having you on top’ instead of saying ‘I think I would find it easier to cum if you were on top’. If you have been having bad sex or avoiding sex for a while, it might help to try the approach out on someone other than your partner and get some feedback first. Make sure to take responsibility for your own feelings and experience. Use ‘I’ statements: ‘I like it when’ or ‘I don’t like it when’. Make sure to have this conversation in a safe time and space. There is nothing worse than starting a difficult conversation and being interrupted by phone calls, or an obligation. Make sure you have time for the conversation and that your partner has time for the conversation.  Turn off phones and other electronic devices unless it is absolutely necessary to leave them on. Make sure the space is free from distraction and safe from intrusion by others. Talk about positive things as well as negatives. Let your partner know you still find him very attractive if this is true. Tell your partner what she does that really works for you.  There are lots of fun ways to start conversations about sex that lower the tension. I have a list of questions about sex, sexuality and sensuality that I suggest people use to discover more about their own and their partners’ sexual interests. Instead of just working through these at home at the kitchen table, you could work through them in the bath together or while snuggled up in bed.  You could go out to dinner and work through some of the questions at dinner.  That adds the additional thrill of talking about sex in public. I suggest picking 4 or 5 questions to work on at a time. When you find a topic that excites both of you, consider setting a date to explore it deeper. For example, one of the questions is ‘Have you ever tried bondage and if so what kind?  If not, does any kind of restraint appeal to you?’  If you discover that using handcuffs appeals to you both, talk about how you would like to use them. Agree what your limits would be. Go shopping for the handcuffs together. Create the scene in which you will try them. Are you going to role play? Or are you simply going to cuff your partner to the bedpost? Once you agree how you will do it, schedule the date.  Also schedule a time afterwards to talk about how it went and what you want to do next. Andrea and Nancy came into coaching with me to spice up their relationship.  They described the first 6 months of their relationship as super hot and then both reported that things had become stale. Andrea admitted that she went along with what Nancy wanted to do from the beginning because things were so hot that she was willing to do whatever Nancy wanted. A year down the line and Andrea was flirting with other women online and was worried about the temptation. Nancy was spending more and more time at work and felt the relationship was taking an inevitable course towards separation. In order to turn up the heat, both agreed that any routine sex was off the table for the next month. They agreed to explore sexual and sensual possibilities two to three times a week. They scheduled conversations and dates in their diaries.  They agreed that no possible activity was off limits and that they would not judge each other.  To prepare for the first conversation, they both made a list of sexual activities they were interested in trying. They also highlighted things they had already done and enjoyed. I encouraged them to bring erotic material to the conversations. Andrea started first and brought an erotic short story with her called ‘Telepaths Don’t Need Safewords’ by Celia Tan. It is an erotic science fiction story with themes of dominance and submission. Andrea suggested that she read the story to Nancy and then they talk about what they liked and didn’t like.  They came to the next session all fired up. Nancy said that she found the story extremely exciting and Andrea was relieved. They agreed to try out a couple of things based on the story and found it almost impossible to stick to the no full sex rule. By the time the month was over, Nancy and Andrea had a bunch of new sexual interests and were having regular conversations about sex and intimacy. Their relationship was stronger than it had ever been and they were behaving like newlyweds again. Regular conversations about your relationship and your intimate life are essential to keeping your relationship alive and well and exciting in the long term. Boredom is toxic to a relationship but it need not ever be an issue as long as you keep talking about your sexual life and are willing to explore.  Your mind is where arousal starts. Conversation ignites your passion through your mind.  If you find talking difficult, start by writing to each other. Sometimes I suggest couples use erotica (films, images, books, short stories) to illustrate their desires.  It gives you the opportunity to see how your partner might respond without disclosing all of your desires. It lowers the risk of rejection.  Darrell and Grant started their relationship as a casual one. They met at a club and had sex that first night. For the next 6 months, they had lots of sex and lots of fun. After 6 months they began to go out on proper dates, discovering they had a lot more in common than good sex. They were completely surprised after a year when they began to find their sex life dwindling.  They both still had strong sex drives but they found themselves finding excuses to avoid sex. They came to see me after Grant had a quick sexual encounter with another guy.  Darrell had already worked through the feelings of betrayal and recommitted to each other.  They came specifically to work on their sex life so it would not happen again.  We started by exploring their ultimate turn-ons.  Both of them mentioned anonymous sex. By definition, one cannot have anonymous sex with one’s lover. We started looking at what parts of anonymous sex were so exciting.  Both stated the aspect of surprise was the most exciting.  After some thought, they decided to try some anonymous sex with each other by inviting a third person to join them. This brought the excitement back into their relationship.  They told me that they had a great time with the three some but also replayed it when they had sex alone. This experience gave them the confidence to experiment with more new activities.  Some were a great success and others didn’t work for both of them. They agreed that they needed things to work for both of them in order for them to pursue the activity.  Some couples find they don’t agree on turn ons.  When this is the case, communication is essential to find solutions that make both people happy.  If solutions cannot be found, communication is even more important when deciding to separate so that an amicable separation can be achieved.  Usually, talking about sex leads to hotter sex and more sex.    Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week when the topic is How Do I Talk to my Children about Sex?.

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Today we are talking about how to talk to children about sex.  So many parents become anxious when the subject of sex comes up in relation to their children. It can feel incredibly awkward to try to explain to your child all aspects of the birds and the bees. How do you know what it is appropriate to say when?  If you leave it to the school to teach your child, how can you make sure that your child is learning all the facts that are important to you? Are your children learning from watching pornography?  In online chat rooms? On Snapchat? From other children whose knowledge is questionable?  The best place for your children to learn about sex is at home. There are a variety of ways to teach your children about sex – from sitting them down and having ‘the talk’ and then being available for further talks to having a trusted blood or chosen family memberhave ‘the talk’ with them through to giving them age appropriate books, comics and videos and then answering questions.    Children who learn about sex from the internet are at a higher risk of abuse or harassment. They are also under far more pressure to engage in a wide range of sexual activities far earlier. They have no way of filtering what they are seeing. Many of them are confused about the conflicting information they find.  Peggy Orenstein published a book called Girls and Sex Navigating the Complicated Landscape. She interviewed 17 to 23 year olds about all aspects of sex. She reports that fully half the girls she interviewed experienced along the spectrum of coercion to rape. She highlighted the fact that girls still don’t talk about pleasure in relation to sex but rather talk about the pleasure they give to others. The girls she interviewed watched pornography to figure out how to act as they have so few trusted sources of information.  Teenage pregnancy in the UK in 1998 was the highest in Europe. It has now dropped to the lowest level it has been at since 1961 when they first started keeping statistics.  And yet it is still the highest teen pregnancy and abortion rates in Western Europe as of 2010. This drop is the result of a clear strategy aimed at making sure that teenagers have the information they need achieve sexual health. Despite all of this great work, it still remains too high. 40,000 young women still become pregnant each year. Education at school is helpful.  Education through family doctors/ general practitioners is helpful.  Sexual health clinics for young people are essential. But none of this takes the place of education and a supportive environment at home.  Sexually transmitted infections are highest in the under 25 year old group.   Information is patchy with many young people having inadequate knowledge to be able to prevent transmission of infections. School based sexual education doesn’t always include topics like sexual orientation, gender and consent.  Suicide is the second leading cause of death between young people age 10 to 24. The rate is 4 times higher in LGBT youth and twice as high in youth who are questioning their identities. The figures rise further when these youth are in homes that are rejecting. Metro asked 7000 LGBT 24 year olds across the UK about their experiences. 42% had sought medical help for anxiety or depression. 44% have thought about suicide.  If your kids can talk about their feelings and discuss their attractions no matter what gender they are attracted to, it is less likely that they will develop depression. If they are taught that all sexual orientations are valid and reassured that they are valued and have a safe place to bring feelings and questions, suicide and self-harm rates decrease. So as a parent where do you start? I recommend learning about normal sexual development. Once you have a good understanding of what a child feels and thinks at different stages, you will find it easier to figure out how to approach the child at each stage. I now present a quick tour through sexual development. We are sexual beings from birth.  From birth to 18 months a child learns to feel negatively or positively towards his body. Through nurturing touch they learn to value themselves, they learn what it means to be loved.     Research suggests that between birth and 18 months a baby begins to identify as either male or female. From birth to 18 months, children discover their genitals and will touch themselves for pleasure. They do not masturbate to orgasm at this age.  Though you are not providing formal sexual education at this stage it is essential to remember that the child’s feelings about their own body are strongly influenced by how adults respond to masturbation. If parents express upset or disgust, this will impact upon the child’s view of himself as well. He will see himself as disgusting. Children touch themselves because it feels good and they will often do so when they are stressed because it relieves stress.   The most important thing you can do at this stage is not react with negativity, rejection or disgust. 18 months – 3 years old. Children learn the names for body parts at this stage. The most important sexual education you can provide as a parent here is giving them appropriate names for the sexual parts of the body. Often times children are not taught names for their genitals and when they are given names, they are usually silly names. If parents leave out names for genitals, the message they are giving the children is that these parts are unmentionable – or there is something hidden or wrong with them. When we give children silly names for genitals we further the message that these are unmentionable parts. If you want to normalise sex and sexuality for your child you start by giving him appropriate words to talk about his body.  At three children start to notice the difference between men and women; boys and girls. Girls can worry that boys have something (a penis) and they have nothing. You can tell a girl that she has a vagina and that it is harder to see than the penis because it is tucked in. You can tell her she has a vulva.  At three children should be taught that their bodies belong to themselves and that they can say no to unwanted touch.  You must start teaching them to trust their own sense of what is wanted and unwanted touch. From 3 to 5 years old, children become more curious about their bodies and the bodies of others. They want to follow parents into the bathroom and may even want to touch their genitals. Though this is normal behaviour children need to learn about privacy and modesty at this time. The standards you choose will be individual to your family and your culture. Between 3 and 5 is when children often first ask where did I come from. This is best answered honestly. There are lots of stories parents make up (like the stork delivered the baby). These are not helpful. When the child asks, first make it clear that you are happy to talk about this. So saying something like ‘That’s a good question’. Next you need to get an idea of what they are asking.  You could say ‘Can you guess?’ or ‘What do you know about that?’. Some children are looking for a very simple answer and others want more details. Make sure that you are clear about the messages you are giving along with your answer. For example, you want your child to be comfortable asking you anything. You want your child to know that it is good to be curious. You want your child to know that there is nothing secret or forbidden or naughty about sex and procreation. There are a variety of books aimed at this age group that you can read to your children that use age appropriate language. Or you can use them as a resource so that you find your own language to answer the questions. At this age, they have no notion of adult sexuality so there is no need to give them the nitty gritty details. You can talk about sperm and egg without talking about daddy putting his penis in mummy’s vagina. Very bright children might keep asking questions until you give them more details. In that case, you can tell them more making sure to keep things straightforward. Children who have been born as a result of fertility treatments or using a surrogate should be told in simple terms how they came to be.  Between ages 3 an 5 is when children begin to explore each other’s genitals, play at sex with dolls and with stuffed animals. Children may play ‘doctor’ or ‘house’. This is normal and another way for them to find out about their own bodies and the bodies of others.  There is no eroticism to this play. It is based purely on curiosity. I’m going to say that again: This is about curiosity. It is NOT sexualised behaviour. It is extremely important that adults don’t over react to this type of normal behaviour as doing so will send extremely negative messages to the child about sexuality.  Even though it is normal for your child to engage in this type of exploration, it doesn’t mean you need to allow it to happen all the time.  If you were to walk in on your five year old son his four year old friend naked in the bathroom looking at each other’s genitals, you can gently distract the children by saying ‘I see you are both interested in looking at each other’s bodies. It is good to be interested but let’s find something else to do now.’ and then tell them to get dressed in a pleasant voice. You should let the parents of the other child know about the incident so that they don’t think you have been concealing something and they don’t make more out of it than it is. Have a talk with your son and tell him that it’s good to be curious but he should bring questions to you.  You might want to use an age appropriate book about bodies and sex to sate his curiosity. Most important is not to panic when you see this normal behaviour. There are behaviours that are not normal.  If your children are trying to actually have sex (a boy trying to insert his penis into another child’s mouth, vagina or anus) this needs investigating.  Panicking won’t help. A calm conversation with the children as to where they saw or learned these activities is the place to start. Sexual development from 5 to 6 years old Children at this age are creative and imaginative. Let’s pretend is often the preferred type of play. They also try to figure things out for themselves by listening to the adults and attempting logic to understand things that perplex them. The combination of these two things (imagination and trying to figure things out for themselves) can lead to some really strange misunderstandings about the body and how it works.  So it is important to give children clear and straightforward information about bodies and bodily functions. At this age, many children are clear about gender identity already and will often imitate the parent of the gender they identify as. Some children are more fluid in their gender identity. No issue should be made about this fluidity. Sometimes children will play out stereotyped gender roles despite parents’ best efforts not to present stereotypical roles.  Part of this is because at this age children see things as black and white and cannot really process shades of grey and the rest highlights what they are seeing in environments outside the home, in the wider culture and in the media they are exposed to. At this age, it is really important to children to be able to see that their family is a ‘good’ family. If they come from a non-traditional family, they may have concerns that there is something wrong with their family or they may tell other children from more traditional family that there is something wrong with their families. I remember a child from a family I was working with being told by a friend in school that all families have a mummy and a daddy and she replied ‘Not true. Some families have two daddies and no mummy’. Another child told a friend that all families had to have a mummy because ‘you can’t have a baby without a uterus’.  At this age masturbation is very common though children are still not masturbating to orgasm as a rule. Giving children negative messages about masturbation increases the likelihood of sexual problems later in life. Children in this age group should already know that masturbation is something done in private.  Sexual development from 6 – 9 years old This is the time when children have developed enough cognitively so that they can understand the basic facts about pregnancy, sex and birth. Even so, they don’t understand the erotic part of sexuality or the emotional bits. Even when they understand the process, they may not believe their parents have had sex or may believe they have had sex only as many times as the number of children they have.  Normality becomes important at this age and most children will try to conform to their peers. It is important that they are exposed to gender roles that are not stereotypical at this point so that they are able to see these as normal as well (which they are). Their understanding of and feelings about gender become more complex at this point. This is the time of sexual jokes and potty humour. Sex play continues as does masturbation. Questions are more complex and it is important to give them more details but to recognise that they don’t understand the emotional and erotic content.   Puberty can start at 8 or 9 for some girls. They need age appropriate information about the changes their bodies are going through. This initial information is best given to them by their mum or a female relative.  In lots of cultures, the arrival of menstruation is both a sad event and something to be celebrated. Most girls would prefer not to have this event broadcast to family and friends.     Sexual development from 9-14 years old For most children, puberty begins during this time.  It is at this time that it is essential your children have good information about the changes their bodies are going through, sex and relationships. Average age for puberty to begin for girls between 8 and 13, for boys between 10 and 15.  It takes between 3 and 5 years to progress through puberty.    There is huge variation as to when puberty begins and when it ends so it’s hard to know if you are normal. This is an issue that causes kids in this age range lots of stress.  The idea that talking to kids about sex, gender, sexual orientation, birth control and sexually transmitted diseases will encourage more sex is completely wrong. The only thing not telling kids what they need to know to be responsible and protect themselves accomplishes is higher rates of STDs and higher rates of unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. Children in this age group need to know that everyone develops differently and that they will get through puberty.    Biggest anxieties: For boys: penis size, height, unwanted erections For girls: breast size, sudden periods, mood swings.  Body image becomes an even bigger issue during this time when children compare their developing bodies with the bodies of models, actors, and other famous people. They pore over magazines that tell them how they should look and what they can do if they don’t have the ideal body.  Despite how much it embarrasses them, you need to bring up the subject of sex with your teen and make sure that they have accurate unbiased information.  Most teens prefer this talk to be done by the same sex parent but sometimes the preference is the opposite sex parent (if there is one).  This is the point at which children will masturbate to orgasm. The message you give your child about this can have a big impact upon self-esteem and sexual relationships then and later in life. Take care not to shame or humiliate your child by drawing attention. Make sure to knock and wait for an answer before entering a room.  Sexual orientation can become more of an issue at this stage.  Answer questions in an honest and straight forward manner so that your child can feel secure in their orientation. It is good for children this age to be exposed to role models of all orientations so that they can see that there are homosexual, bisexual and heterosexual people who are well adjusted and in happy relationships. If you don’t feel confident about giving this type of positive message,  you should find someone else to help you with this part of your child’s sex education and make sure that you are not telling your child that there is something wrong with them if they are bisexual or homosexual.  This is the time to start talking to your children about consent in relationships.  The cup of tea video has been done in clean versions (with no swearing) and not so clean versions and is an easily understood straight forward analogy that brings humour into the discussion. Your children need to learn that consent is more complex than just asking someone quickly if they want to be involved in a sexual activity and that consent can be withdrawn at any time and if it is, the person needs to stop what they are doing rather than pressuring the person who has said no.  This is also the time when you may find your child has been accessing pornography on the internet. If you have not been monitoring their access (and discussing the things they are accessing with them) up to this point, you need to do so now.   Not so that you can shame them or punish them for their viewing but so that you know what messages they are being given and you can make sure to give them healthy messages.   Sexual development 14 years – 18 years This is the time your children will need to learn a deeper understanding of consent, sexual orientation and relationships. Kids in this age group are notoriously impulsive so it is essential that they have easily accessed information on STD’s and birth control and that they know parents will answer any questions in a non-judgemental way. You need to be clear when you speak with them about these issues and help them to learn to think through sexual behaviour and relationships prior to acting. Teen agers have the same drives towards different types of sexual behaviour (like kinky behaviour) as adults. They don’t need to see or be taught about dominance and submission to feel a desire to be controlled or ‘forced’ or to be in control. If you avoid talking about these topics, you run the risk that the information they get will be from fiction (pornography primarily) where the actors are portraying fantasy not reality. If they imitate the fiction they see, they can find themselves in relationships where they are being disrespectful to their partner (or disrespected by their partner), injured (or doing the injuring) or at risk from adults who prey on adolescents and young adults. They need good non-judgemental information in order to protect themselves and make good choices. Rejection is one of the more upsetting experiences that most teens will have and they may need help to deal with it in an appropriate way. They need to learn to take responsibility for their choices.Sexting, taking erotic movies and pictures and placing them on social media all become issues during this time. They need to be helped to consider the long term implications of their choices. Pressure to have sex before they are emotionally ready is another feature of this time period. Teens need support to be able to stand up for themselves and wait until they feel ready. Parents can facilitate teens learning the difference between biological sex roles and the gender roles that are socially assigned.  Teens need to be taught about sexual pleasure and that it is a joy in life. This is one of the areas parents find the hardest to address. Straight language without personal examples is the best way to talk about this. For example, you can tell your teenager that sex is supposed to feel good and be fun for both participants and that talking about sex with your partner before having it. They need to be told that fantasies are normal and that just because you have a fantasy doesn’t mean you need to act it out or even that you want to act it out.  Sometimes this area is easier for a teen to address with another trusted adult rather than a parent.  Make sure your teen knows that you are happy for them to talk to these named adults about sexual issues and encourage them to talk about pleasure, fantasies and any concerns about normality. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter @drbisbey. For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, go to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and click the button that says Schedule Now!  I look forward to seeing you next week