I'm Speaking Now

Kindness is often touted as a meritorious characteristic -- but within communication, there are people who use it as a form of subtle manipulation, bondage, and as an escape from accountability. Inspired by Annie Mueller's essay, "Kindness and Respect."

Sending endless rage-filled texts usually never turns out well for the person who sends it (has that been you?) or the person who receives the message (have you experienced this?). In this episode, we'll take a look at what the research shows about why endless text bubbles of rage fall flat and what you really should do instead of letting your text-happy thumbs lead you down a road of wrath.  

Elementary School Vice Principal Shawn Ellison talks to "I'm Speaking Now" about the delicate matter of finding solutions when you believe your son or daughter is not being treated fairly by an educator. This episode applies to all students through pre-K all the way to 12th grade. This episode is also helpful for administrators and teachers as well. Wishing all members of the educational village a great school year!

My guest, cookout extraordinaire Kim Kallai discusses the all-American cookout for hosts and guests! From whether you should talk to the person on the grill too much, to how to handle folks who drunk, tips on engaging younger guests, and even flirting with a person who catches your eye while you're eating your potato salad. Kim also explains why she thinks the words cookout and barbecue are not synonymous and why mangoes are too bourgeois for a cookout (the latter of which I completely disagree!).    

Some people simply can't accept that they are talented, innovative, worthy, beautiful, smart, and the list goes on and on. In fact, they believe that any accolades, positions of leadership, or success are ill-gotten gains and thin ice upon which they walk, soon to go crashing into icy waters. This week's episode examines the work we need to do to remember that we're not frauds skating on thin ice but hard-working people who've sewn real seeds of success. Owning the badassness is a must! 

Learn how to anticipate potential audience questions, technology woes, and how to quell your anxiety when preparing for a presentation that involves digital auxiliary tools such as PowerPoint or Prezi. From text size to even your chosen outfit -- you'll get tips on making future presentations even better! 

Join me, along with Marlon Rice, Brooklyn's Magnolia Tree Center Executive Director, and Sakina Williams, founder of BK Buddha in this candid discussion about relationship preferences. This Brooklyn couple shares with us how their past experiences have shaped their abilities to find joy and contentment within themselves first so eventually, their connection would prove to be just as satisfying. One of the best conversations I've had all year, hands down! Many lessons about acceptance and self-reliance to be learned in this episode. 

We celebrate the great habits of people who know how to use email so that it serves its purpose and we also shine a spotlight on those email slobs who use the system for inappropriate sales pitches and chain letters, who have no concept of sentence structure or font selection and readability, and who CC entire departments for no good reason. If you're an email snob or slob, this episode will either affirm your good deeds or, hopefully, improve your poor emailing habits. 

In Episode 9 we tackle the socially inept behaviors of people who like to talk over us, play mind games while conversing with us, as well as raise their voices or finish our sentences in an attempt to override our ideas. I share with you techniques on how to shut down their shenanigans -- as well as when to walk away or impart shenanigans of your own! 

When a person we love is in a psychologically, verbally, or physically abusive intimate relationship, many of us attempt to comfort or confront them in hopes that she (or he) will leave, or at the very least, stand up for herself. Domestic Violence Team Response Expert Margaret Abrams of Jersey City's Women Rising explains why there's a certain way we need to compassionately communicate with victim-survivors instead of serving up the tough love that often never works, leaving us frustrated all the same. 

Who you calling a b*%#@? Musician and native Newarker Josue Simon joins me to discuss his take on when profanity works and when it's simply out of line in our everyday lives. A first-generation American born to Haitian parents, one of Josue's current singles with his band Royal Xctasy, "Violence" asks people to dance and celebrate life instead of indulging in more base, negative tendencies. 

Boundary-setting pro and psychotherapist Alece Coleman joins me as we discuss how to communicate with sales staff who have no tact, play on your fears, and even attempt to guilt you into making purchases that you may not need. From MLM pitches from family and friends to auto sales hooks that hinge on desperation, we talk about how to recenter yourself, honor your earnings, and communicate directly about your needs.

How should we best approach people who give us unsolicited parenting advice? And why can this form of engagement be so very annoying and condescending to many of us? There's a way to handle people who don't give you credit for being a thinking, cautious, and aware parent or parental figure -- and you'll still be able to maintain your dignity versus becoming overly emotional.

In Episode 14, we discuss five really simple yet memorable and genuine ways in which you can express gratitude toward a person, a special group of people, or an organization. And with Thanksgiving right around the corner, it's important to note that this is not the only time of the year that conveying your appreciation is appropriate. Apply these suggestions all year round!

My guest, Anna Coats, a librarian and grad school friend of mine, talks about how she has navigated a bevy of wacky comments relative to culture, race, and religion. Anna is of Indo-Guyanese, Hungarian, and American ethnicity but is pure Jersey Girl in today's podcast! 

When should we forgive our family members who have upset us? Are there instances when the water simply can't and should not pass under the bridge? In this episode, we discuss the complexities of learning how to get along with family members who ruffle our feathers as well as when to place necessary distance between ourselves and family members who do have good intentions or who are simply too unstable. 

The things we tell ourselves matter just as much as the messaging we share with others, no matter the medium. Members of the I'm Speaking Now tribe chime in to share what they told themselves to find peace and victory in 2019. This is Season One's finale episode. Happy New Year in advance. I'm Speaking Now will return in January 2020. Thanks for listening -- what a great season, thanks to YOU.  

Ah, the New Year is upon us and everyone is making the loftiest of declarations. But how many of us are truly going to see them through? This episode explores how we can put a stop to the falling prey to deferred dreams and the vacuous resolutions that end up forgotten and deflated. 

Some people are comfortable discussing that number on the scale, their fitness regimen, or their nutritional habits as well as failures. And then there are folks who want to know a little too much about others' private state of affairs when it comes to that waistline, body fat percentage, or weight loss surgery. Is it a crime to discuss our bodies or inquire about the bodies of others? In this episode, we discuss the delicate dance of navigating these kinds of conversations.  

How do you handle a person who has no sense of the right time and place to discuss or inquire about money-related topics? Whether someone thinks you're spending too much money on shoes or whether they're putting you on the spot as a potential investor in their startup -- there's a way to help them understand that you have a  standard for when someone brings up personal financially centered conversations with you. Some people are nosy, have an agenda, or are just plain nosy! Either way, you shouldn't have to squirm under their inappropriate comments and inquiries. 

Many gym members feel intimidated, ashamed, awkward, or just plain have no idea that fitness professionals are there to answer questions and guide them in using weights, machines, and other gym tools properly. Learn what to ask and what to be wary of when conversing with your fitness professional. You deserve to get clear and useful information from a staff member who is knowledgeable -- but you can't be afraid to ask!

There's no reason you shouldn't show up fully as yourself in intimate relationships. Using language that is clear is essential to fostering an authentic experience with our loved ones. However, the use of vague and ambiguous language has become a thorn in the sides for many who do not feel heard or genuinely acknowledged by their partners. 

From corporate dinners to the beauty salon or barbershop, there's a way to use one's cell phone so that you are presenting yourself as a considerate and self-aware person. We discuss cell phone use in seven areas: corporate dinners, public transportation, hair salons/barbershops, trade shows, school performances, and open floor plan office settings.  

There are a few ways to avoid the dreaded telltale signs of nervousness -- a dry mouth and slick, sweaty, clammy palms. In this episode, I share tried and true solutions, as well as what we could learn about avoiding nervous chaos by watching NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg and rapper DMX. 

As awkward and as difficult as these kinds of talks may be, e-cigarettes and the vaping industry have a stronghold on American teen culture. The onus is on parents to explore this topic with their tweens and teenagers so that nicotine addiction doesn't end up making itself at home in your child's body and mind. With flavors like Unicorn Puke and Cotton Candy, you better believe that you'll want to discuss with your teen their thoughts on vaping and whether they've done it. You'll hear some practical tips, reflections from teens who vape, as well as straight-no-chaser insight from a doctor.  

There are certain fabrics and accessories that just won't work in your favor if you're going to be at the center of a forum or panel as its moderator or facilitator. Sofistafunk Creative Director Arlinda McIntosh www.sofistafunk.com and The Accessories Vault Image Consultant Maryam Baqqi-Schwerdt @vaulttheaccessory both share valuable guidance on how to make an appearance that is practical and comfortable, yet still stylish!

Many people find elements of shame and self-loathing when faced with having to ask for assistance. This week, as COVID-19 turns American society into a mosaic of anxiety, I speak with Amina Bey, executive director of Newark Emergency Services for Families. We discuss the vulnerability involved in accepting help but also the strength in knowing how to ask for it. In addition, we explore how to listen to people seeking assistance and also graceful ways to let people know when you are unable to assist them. 

In this episode with Tax Practitioner and KeyPoint Consulting owner Bernice Asirifi, you'll learn about why it's so important to learn how to be comfortable communicating about your income when it comes to taxes. We talk about remotely filing taxes, how not to be seduced by people claiming to get you a "huge return," and why you don't want to get sloppy on reporting income if you're an entrepreneur. 

Some people get a bit too familiar and decide that calling you names like baby, sweetie, ni**a, bitch, or honey should be acceptable. Whether it's in a professional or casual setting, you don't have to go along to get along. In this episode, we talk about why these terms are not the best choice and what to do if someone inappropriately addresses you. 

Social media shows us the different ways in which people ask for help as well as the way they offer assistance. This episode deconstructs three different faux helping hands: The Quid Pro Quo Helper; The Worship-Me-and-My-Ego Helper; and The Full of Shit Helper. We explore some ways you can  recognize their behaviors online and in the real world. 

There are some people who melt us. We love the way they relay information, the way they make us feel, and in general the way they communicate with those around them. These are the folks that often end up getting to the second, third, and fourth date -- versus the ones who make us want to bolt from the restaurant! In this episode we discuss communication elements that make for an unforgettable date and some no-nos that everyone should avoid. 

When you've made a mistake or miscalculation, the best way to rectify is to directly acknowledge it . In this episode I revisit the Teddy Riley versus Babyface battle that ensued on Saturday, April 18. I share why Teddy Riley lost an opportunity to gracefully appease his fans via the language of accountability and I give you five ways to refine your own strengths in this area. 

In this episode I share with you the three kinds of people you want to reach out to during a pandemic and the one kind of person with whom you'll want to avoid contact. It's a great time to be brave and loving by reaching out to those we love -- so why are we carrying out those plans and calling, writing, or emailing? Learn how to get started now. 

On this week's podcast we reflect on how this new normal will shift the way that we express ourselves in customary ways in the workplace. Will handshakes be banned? How to gracefully decline a hug? Is a kiss on the cheek from a colleague now a line that should no longer be crossed? It's a great time to consider what your greetings' evolution will look like post-pandemic. 

Angela Kariotis, professor of Communications at Seton Hall University, talks to us about the complexities of "staying in one's lane." When is the right time to dare yourself to enter spaces and conversations to which you were not invited? Why should you be content with the perimeters that surround you? We talk about everything from that Lil' Mama faux pas and fiasco to how to firmly let someone know that they are out of bounds as well as how WE should navigate spaces of tradition and unspoken protocol. 

How do you maintain gracious composure or assertive command when being in uncomfortable social situations with people who simply make you cringe? Whether you're at work or at brunch -- there's a way to ensure that you hold on to your cuff links, khakis, and cool without diluting your dignity. 

On this last episode of Season Two, I speak with UK Fitness Influencer Melissa Neil, a 53-year-old bodybuilding champion who shares with us the importance of realistic but compassionate self-talk when seeking self-improvement. We talk about removing the quick-fix mindset in exchange for a richer, more accessible route to toning and strength, particularly for women over 40. The perfect episode to prep you for a great summer!

You have seen enough to know the truth. But what should you do when a well-meaning person sends you video or images of police brutality, physical assault against helpless victims, or even historically violent content such as lynchings, bombings against Black Americans, or otherwise? Sometimes, it's all too much. This short story supports your desires to create a safe digital space during a time when media sharing is at all all-time high. 

In Season Three's premier episode I tackle navigating avoidant behavior (in yourself and others) when it comes to THREE areas: emotion, health, and justice. It's so important to become comfortable with seeking clarity especially when encountering situations that might exploit us if we are willingly uninformed. I also discuss the Lauryn Hill's response to her daughter Selah's trauma and introduce you to one of my favorite resources, Alan Robarge, for transcending avoidant behavioral patterns. 

If you're attending online meetings, there are some valid reasons to turn off your camera. However, you should also use your presence and influence by being visibly present. In this episode I share rationale for when cameras should be off as well as when and why they should be on. 

My guest Scott Cumberbatch and I talk about the ways people have changed their communication habits during this pandemic. We discuss why friends feel guilty for hugging, hysterical religious messaging, the effects of isolation, and also even how folks are using social media amid class and racial conflict that has exploded within the pandemic. The way we are talking, touching, and listening has indeed changed. 

Your children have the right to grow into adults who are entitled and unapologetic about asserting their humanity and desires for freedom and peace. In this episode, I share three areas that I think are essential in our parenting practices when intentionally raising resilient and courageous children. 

Awkward moments happen. They happen at work, with strangers, when texting, and in a variety of circumstances. Sometimes we are the ones who bring the awkwardness into the center of the arena and at other times, it happens from situations that are beyond our control. Learn three methods for easing the tension, embarrassment, and weird energy we encounter when awkward moments arise. 

Dr. LaMarr Darnell Shields, CEO of The Cambio Group, an educational consulting firm that services districts nationwide -- gives us the lowdown on top-notch preparation for exemplary public speaking appearances and our presentations. From technology fails to taking care of your voice prior to your event -- Dr. Shields takes us into the spotlight with tools to ensure our messages and brands make a lasting impression on our audiences. You'll want to take notes, I promise! 

There are some things that we seriously should not text anyone. Unfortunately, some people are making some pretty poor decisions and texting content that they ought to have thought through before pressing SEND. My guest Ramon Payne -- an accountant-turned massage therapist and entertainer in Los Angeles -- talks with me about best practices in texting. 

Many abusive and dismissive people use the word "sensitive" to describe people who push back against their disrespect or inappropriate comments or behaviors. My guest, Lori Partin, a Temple University professor and professional in human services, talks about the importance of asserting your humanity in the face of a dismissive and abusive person. 

How do you perfect the art of apologizing? What if you simply didn't grow up learning how to say "I'm sorry"? Also, should we always forgive the people who hurt or violate us? My guest De'Janee' Jones (CEO of Dear Diary, a non-profit support organization for women's wellness) took some time with me to pick apart the complexities of intentional apologies and forgiveness. 

Are you code-switching often these days? Everyone has likely done so for one reason or another. Let's explore when code-switching is for the greater good versus when it's a complete fail. 

Learn five things that you want to avoid saying and doing upon lending your condolences to the bereaved.  You'll also learn solutions that allow for you to share heartfelt concern while not overstepping boundaries. Comforting our close ones in mourning can be awkward and scary. These tips will aid you in developing confidence in navigating how to communicate with clarity and compassion. 

If it takes two to tango -- doesn't someone have to ask the other to dance first? In the world of romance, there's always a person who speaks up first or shows signs of interest so that the object of his or her desire is given the opportunity to reciprocate that interest. The question here is -- should men, or more masculine personalities, take on this responsibility? Or, are women, or more feminine personas, just as effective in shooting their shots without being labeled too aggressive?

Calling all fashion critics, aficionados, and ateliers AS well as the fashionably timid, understated, and intimidated! In this episode Well Read Fly Girl Sakina Pitts helps us all come to terms with the value in being "extra" and owning the power of our personal branding via style and adornment. She's also 1/2 of the machine behind GardenofExtra.com, an online vintage store for curated pieces to add to your closet as well as the principal extraordinaire at Chancellor Avenue Elementary in Newark, NJ. 

NYC-based Fashion Abby (Abdullah Graham) talks to us about integrating simplicity, humility, and sustainable choices in the clothing that we wear. He also expounds upon his globally chic fez collection and cautions us about not overindulging in "fast fashion." You can find him on Instagram at @fashionabbynyc and he's even up for giving listeners a bit of fashion guidance should you need it.  

Make sure that when you agree to lend a hand, you're not being exploited. This episode highlights the three things you want to keep in mind when discerning whether someone is taking your talents, kindness, or intellectual property for granted. No man or woman is an island as so we all will be asked for help or will be inspired to lend a hand -- but we always want the experience to be fair, first and foremost.

Social media is one of the ways that we communicate through language and images. We share captions to give context to images that we post. However, some people never quite make it to the feed of their "supposedly" significant other. In this episode we explore why some people are uncomfortable sharing images of their partners and whether or not it is indeed a malicious, self-centered act.  

Brooklyn native Gershon Hinkson has worked in the film industry as a writer, director, and editor for nearly 30 years. Some of the pieces he's worked on include Spiderman 2, She's Gotta Have It (the series), Free State of Jones, and The Best Man. He knows a lot about overcoming fears and obstacles in order to grab goals and dreams by the horns. From dealing with sadistic colleagues to learning how to harness the magic of kindness, Gershon shares anecdotes and insider guidance on keeping your feet planted firmly on the ground while reaching beyond the stars! 

There is a time and a place to share who you know and how you know them. However, most people who name-drop within conversations or presentations never choose the right time or the right reason. In this episode we dissect why name-dropping attempts often falls flat on its face.

Thinking about changing careers? You've probably been having quite the internal dialogue. There's no one better to help you through this decision-making process than Mustafa Ammar of The Passion MBA. He's not only a dedicated career coach but having been a pharmacist, Egyptian diplomat to China, and an investment banking pro - he teaches us all a few lessons on why we should follow our passions. Learn more at www.thepassionmba.com and at @thepassionmba on Instagram. 

Toxic humility is real. Do you know how many people would prefer that you not share how amazing your products, progress, or projects really are? Your ownership of your accomplishments makes some people very uncomfortable. In this episode I walk you through the art of normalizing pride in your contributions and greatness. I also make an interesting metaphor using shea butter, ashy heels, and sandals. Trust me, it'll make sense when you listen. 

The thirst is real! When a person is desperate they will do anything to get your attention. In this episode we explore when "trying too hard" goes wrong and the reasons that authenticity is always the better route. We'll examine "thirst" in digital spaces, romantic situations, and marketing messaging/content and the consequences that befall people who push the envelope too far due to their desperation. 

Learn about how control, engagement, pronunciation, and content mastery (CPEC) can be improved upon for your upcoming presentation, training, or speaking projects. Also, you'll be able to get an idea of the consequences of not integrating CPEC when you are invited to lead, speak, or teach a group. By the conclusion of this episode, you'll be more prepared to make an impact upon the most discerning of audiences. 

Are you stalling the launch or development of ideas, programs, protocol, or improvements because you're constantly waiting for people to give you PERMISSION? This episode serves to support listeners who are struggling with execution of projects and need an unusual amount of hand-holding to believe that their concepts are worthy of being realized. 

OVATION CEO and Founder Kerri Garbis gives us excellent and adaptable tips on how we can get our audience to commit to the content we share. Kerri covers attention grabbers, the art of the "BUTTON," and when you should ask your audience for feedback. This episode will support you in leading your team with crystal clear messaging, whether it's for a Zoom meeting or an in-person conference. Learn more about OVATION and its non-profit program BE READY at www.getovation.com. 

It's draining when you're listening to someone who always seems to paint a picture of perfection when you know something is amiss. They embroider, bedazzle, and fake the funk to their own detriment. It takes some time to realize that a person simply hasn't mastered telling the truth. This episode explains why people who stretch the truth, gloss over misfortune, and skirt around real answers can be a liability for you personally and professionally. 

Often people take an informal, careless, and sometimes unethical approach to pitching partnerships, sales, or collaborations. Chances are, a few of these people have sent you a message via social media or email that was off-putting, confusing, or downright lazy. Here's what they did wrong so that you don't repeat it. I'm Speaking Now wants you to be on the right track when YOU represent YOUR product or brand!

Did someone say it's Cuffing Season?! Whether you are newly infatuated or 20-year-veteran in marital blass, we all use our lips to talk, it's true. BUT we also communicate through body langauage and KISSING is a key skillset when it comes to intimacy lingo. Let's look into why kissing -- or lack of it -- can lead to resentment and dysfunction in adult romantic relationships. Plese be aware this episode contains language and scenarios unsuitable for minors. 

Learn about four kinds of people who will derail your meetings, forums, or symposiums unless you have certains measures in place. 

Some people really can't take criticism and it can be awfully exausting to navigate if you're the person trying to instill change or make a suggestion. On this episode, you'll learn some coping mechanisms to deal with folks who simply can't handle the truth. 

There's something to be said about the importance of integrating gravitas into your persona within the workplace, in your community, and even in your family and personal relationships. Learn what happens when you lack it and why you should take this trait very seriously if you seek success and stability in your life. 

If you're not asking a question, why do your statements sound as if you are? Upward inflection is a habit that affects how people assess your communicatin and leadership capabilities. If you're guilty of this pattern -- this episode will be a great resource for 'saying it like you mean it' and eliminating that unsure element that upward inflection imparts to your listeners. 

How many times do yo need someone to tell you that you're on the right track, or that they like what you're doing or how you look? Do you seek constant validation from your co-workers, peers, or even significant other? In this episode, I discuss the pros and cons of how reassurance is used in our lives and why it's important to have checkpoints and assessments to monitor your own progress. 

Are they picking your brain or picking your pockets? Some people want your services or consultation and have no intention of paying you for it -- even if they will profit FROM it! In this episode we explore boundaries that professionals and business owners need to consider so that they will not be used and exploited for their industry secrets, time, or resources. Learn how to redirect them and their narcissistic agendas so that you are not sacrificing your brand, dignity, sanity, or profits. 

It's not always easy to listen when people are giving us constructive criticsm. Also, some of us may still be learning how to make suggestions or hold people accountable while imparting grace and empathy. I even use some examples of shade and accountability, thanks to the mishaps of Nuri Martinez and NORE of Drink Champs (the Kayne West fiasco). Most of all, this episode supports you in upholding standards for yourself and others in any circumstance -- from private and informal scenarios to corporate or organizational situations. 

Yes, social media gives us digital access to people via video-calling technology. However, is it appropriate for you to cold video call a person via Instagram or Facebook, especially if they haven't given you the green light? On this episode I share why you should be cautious about soliciting face-to-face time via these platforms. On another note, we also talk briefly about the term, "Break yo'self" because does anyone know what it really means?

The better you are accepting people and scenarios for who and what they are, the better you will be at communicating sound solutions and aligning your actions with what is in your best interest. The more you resist the truth, the more difficult your situation will become.