Authentic Men's Group podcast

7 Common Signs You're Feeling Shame as a Man Most men don't like to look in the mirror—not the one in the bathroom, but the one that shows us what's going on inside. We're raised with messages like: You can't change the past. Just move on. Don't dwell. And on the surface, that sounds like wisdom. But underneath, it keeps a lot of us from practicing self-reflection… because we're not just afraid of guilt. We're afraid of shame. See, guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “There's something wrong with me.” One leads to responsibility and growth. The other shuts us down and keeps us stuck.   In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between guilt and shame and the common signs that you maybe struggling with Shame.   If you've ever replayed a moment on loop, avoided someone because of how you felt, or carried the quiet weight of not feeling “good enough,” this one's for you. You can't change the past, but you can own it. And when you own it, you start to change your future. So let's dive in!  Shame vs. Guilt (Quick Distinction) Guilt Shame “I did something bad.” “You can do better. Step up.” Can fuel action: apologies, new decisions Can be a catalyst for growth “I am bad.” “You are not enough and unworthy” Anchored in fear, hesitation, self-sabatoge Stifles momentum and vulnerability Focuses on behavior Focuses on identity; our ‘being' Can motivate change Can lead to hiding or self-loathing   Feeling shame as a man can be hard to recognize because many men are conditioned to suppress or mislabel it. Instead of identifying it as “shame,” they might call it stress, anger, weakness, or failure. Here's how to tell if what you're experiencing might actually be shame: You feel like you're “not enough” Thoughts like “I'm a failure,” “I'll never measure up,” or “I'm not a good man” are rooted in shame. You may feel like you don't deserve love, success, or respect. Example: You forget your kid's school event and beat yourself up all day, telling yourself, “I'm such a terrible father. I can't get anything right.” You isolate yourself You avoid friends, partners, or family because you don't want to be “seen.” Shame often makes us hide—physically and emotionally. Example: A friend invites you to grab dinner after work. You say no—not because you're busy, but because you're feeling low and don't want anyone to see you in that state. You get angry or defensive quickly Instead of saying “I feel embarrassed,” shame might trigger you to lash out or shut down. Anger is often a mask for shame. Example: Your partner says, “I miss talking with you.” You snap back, “Well, I'm always working to support this family—what more do you want?” You feel exposed, so you react with anger You obsess over being “strong” or “successful” If your identity is tied to performance, status, or stoicism, failure in those areas can trigger deep shame. You might fear being seen as weak or “less of a man.” Example: You injure your back but refuse to take a break from work or admit pain. Inside, you think, “If I stop, I'm weak. I have to keep pushing no matter what You feel emotionally numb Shame can lead to disconnection from your own feelings. You might say “I don't know what I feel” or feel nothing at all. It's a way to avoid the pain of being judged or exposed. Example: You receive bad news—your friend is going through a tough time—but you brush it off, saying, “That sucks,” and change the subject. You feel disconnected from the impact. You replay past mistakes in your mind If you constantly ruminate on things you regret or cringe at moments from your past, shame is likely involved. You may even punish yourself mentally for those mistakes. Example: You keep thinking about a breakup from years ago, wondering what you did wrong, convinced you're unlovable. Even though you're in a new relationship, you can't let go You avoid vulnerability or asking for help Shame tells you that needing others is weak. You may think, “I should be able to handle this on my own.” Example: You're overwhelmed with life, but when your brother asks how you're doing, you say, “All good, just busy,” even though you're struggling with depression and know you need support     What You Can Do Name it: Simply saying “This feels like shame” begins to take its power away. Talk to someone safe: A friend, mentor, coach, or therapist can help you process it without judgment. Practice Being Kind & Curious with Yourself: See Shame as a way your system is trying to protect you, and then be curious about what it is trying to protect you from.  Challenge the belief: Ask, “Is it true that I'm not enough?” or “Where did I learn that this makes me unworthy?” Confront the shame at the root of the behavior. Radical honesty. Speak the truth. Know that you are good, even with flaws and imperfections.    

Using Boundaries in Every Circle of Relationship Healthy relationships are built on respect, understanding, and trust. At the core of maintaining these elements are boundaries—clear lines we draw to protect our well-being. The Circle of Relationships model by Brian Frizzell offers a helpful visual to identify the depth and nature of our connections. When we combine this with a clear understanding of boundaries and requests, we gain powerful insight into how to handle different types of relationships with clarity and self-respect. Recap:  Setting a boundary is knowing, checking, and clearly stating what you need to stay healthy and authentic in a relationship, backed by the action you'll take if that need isn't respected. A request is when you ask someone else to change their behavior. They have the right to say yes or no. A boundary isn't a request. → A request asks someone else to change. → A boundary is how you will act if they don't. Requests can be declined. → Example: “Can you turn off your phone at dinner?” (Request) → “If the phone stays on, I'll step away.” (Boundary) Boundaries are not about control. → You can't force a behavior from others. → You can control the use of your energy, time, and resources by your response. Boundaries protect your ability to be authentic. → When you go beyond your limits, you lose yourself. → Boundaries help you stay grounded in your values. They're not walls—they're clarity. → Boundaries invite a healthy connection with you, not distance. → They teach others how to be in a healthy relationship with you. Real strength is knowing your limits— the amount of energy, time, and resources we have to give to a person or a situation—and honoring them. Let's walk through how to use boundaries, not just requests, in each of the seven relationship circles: 1. Source (Inner Self) This is your relationship with yourself and your relationship to Spirituality or Higher Power—your values, identity, and purpose. Boundary: “I will not allow external validation to define my self-worth.” Here, boundaries are about internal integrity. It's choosing to listen to your own voice rather than external noise. Other examples: Boundary: I have set times this week that I will workout and meditate. And I will treat these times as non-negotiables.  Request: I hope I will workout and meditate some this week. Boundary: when listening to, and reflecting upon, my internal self talk, I will refute negative thoughts and counter them with positive, truthful “I am“ statements Request: I wish I would stop talking to myself like that.  2. Intimate (Spouse/Sexual Partner) Deepest emotional and physical connection. Vulnerability is at its peak. Boundary: “If you speak to me in a demeaning way, I will pause the conversation until respect is restored.” This is not a request for better behavior; it's a decision about what you will do to maintain dignity in high-intimacy situations. Other examples:  Boundary: “If we make plans and you cancel last minute without explanation, I'll choose not to make plans with you for a while.” Why it's a boundary: It's a consequence you set and control to protect your time and emotional investment. Request: “Can you let me know ahead of time if you need to cancel plans?” Why it's a request: You're asking for consideration, but it depends on their willingness. 3. Select Few (Close Friends or Siblings) Trusted emotional bonds without sexuality. Boundary: “I won't engage in gossip or conversations that violate someone else's trust.” With close friends, boundaries protect both your values and the relationship's integrity. Other examples:  Boundary: I will only share vulnerably with you if you have earned my trust and keep my trust.  Request: please don't share my secrets with others.  4. Few (Friends, Extended Family, Associates) People we share life events with—weddings, reunions, group activities. Boundary: “I won't stay in conversations where I feel dismissed or mocked.” These relationships benefit from boundaries that maintain mutual respect in social contexts. Other Examples: Boundary: “If conversations with you always turn negative, I'll choose to limit how often we talk.” This boundary protects your mental space. Request: “Can we keep our conversation more positive today?” Boundary: “ if the only time you're going to call me is when you need me to do something for you, then I'm going to give you space and stop taking your calls” Request: “ I desire to have more interactive time with you then only when I can be of service to you. Can we connect without having to perform sometime soon?” 5. Mandatory (Work, School, Responsibilities) Obligatory connections; we don't choose these people. Boundary: “I will only answer work messages during work hours.” These boundaries preserve your time, energy, and prevent burnout. You enforce them, regardless of others' preferences. Other examples:  Boundary: “I won't respond to work messages after 6 PM.” This is a clear, actionable limit on your part. Request: “Could you try to send messages during business hours?” Boundary: “if you continue to converse with me in an unprofessional and disrespectful way, then I will choose to table this conversation until we can return to communicating in a civil and honorable “ Request: “please communicate with me in a positive and professional manner” 6. Peripheral (Adversaries, Codependent Connections) People kept at emotional distance, often for safety. Boundary: “I will not engage in personal topics with this person.” With emotionally risky people, strong, clear boundaries are crucial. You don't request their respect; you enforce your space. Other examples:  Boundary: “I won't engage with you one-on-one. I'll only speak in group settings or with a third party present.” It controls the terms of interaction. Request: “Can we try to be civil when we see each other?” 7. Temporal (Objects or Coping Mechanisms) Involvements with things (e.g., drugs, shopping, media) that substitute for relationships. Boundary: “I won't turn to alcohol when I'm emotionally overwhelmed.” This is where self-discipline becomes a boundary—a line drawn between coping and self-destruction. Other examples:  Boundary: I will show myself grace and seek to understand what need I am looking for when I go to porn or other coping mechanisms.  Request: I will try not to look at porn.  Boundaries vs. Requests: Know the Difference According to the “Boundaries vs. Requests” guide: Boundaries are about you. You control them, enforce them, and live by them. Requests depend on others. You can ask, but you must accept their right to say no. In every ring of the relationship circle, boundaries serve as your protective framework. Requests might supplement your communication, but boundaries define your emotional safety. Final Thoughts Not every relationship deserves the same level of access to you. The closer the circle, the more intimacy—and the more important your boundaries become. Respect starts when you commit and flow through with the relationships that matter, not when you wait for others to respect it for you. Respect yourself first—and the rest will follow.

What the Heck is a Boundary? A boundary isn't just a rule—it's a way to identify, communicate, and maintain the environment you need to be the person you want to be. Boundaries aren't about controlling other people. They're about controlling your space and how you respond to what happens in it.

Cracking The Coping Code Do you wish you could quit your unhealthy coping mechanisms or bad habits?  Many of us find ourselves trapped in cycles of behavior that don't serve us well. Whether it's substance abuse, avoidance, negative self-talk, excessive screen time, emotional eating, isolation, procrastination, overworking, or aggression, porn, these coping mechanisms are familiar yet unhelpful tools we often use to self-soothe. It's crucial to remember that resorting to these habits doesn't make us bad people; it's merely our way of attempting to regulate our distressing emotions. Think of an animal licking its wounds. Initially, it promotes healing, but prolonged licking can worsen the injury. Similarly, our coping mechanisms may provide temporary relief, but they can exacerbate the underlying issues over time. Understanding the Problem: Coping mechanisms are often seen as habits to eliminate. We know they're not beneficial, yet we repeatedly return to them, seeking that fleeting sense of relief or numbness. Afterward, the real issue remains, and we wonder why our efforts to change these habits have failed. Have you ever tried to change your habits through sheer discipline, only to end up feeling guilty and ashamed? For me, discipline became synonymous with these distressing feelings. I've since redefined discipline to simply mean "showing up." It doesn't mean doing the right thing every time but being present and aware. Even addictions are coping mechanisms that are trying to meet a legitimate need(s) but in an unhealthy way. We need a healthy balance of coping mechanisms and long-term solutions. The problem comes when we trick ourselves into thinking that the coping skills are long-term solutions.  Why Trying Harder Doesn't Work: Efforts to simply "try harder" often lead us back to the very habits we're trying to escape. This approach isn't sustainable, and it can make us feel worse, driving us back to our unwanted coping mechanisms. The Unique Solution: The transformation begins with an "aha!" moment: realizing that coping mechanisms are attempts to recalibrate our mind, body, and soul. When we resort to coping, it's a signal that we're out of alignment with our true, authentic selves. Rather than viewing these mechanisms as enemies, we can approach them with compassion and curiosity. Without them, we might cause more harm to our well-being. Here's a process to help you address and transform your coping mechanisms: 1. Identify- Name the Habit & Recognize Its Purpose Instead of just labeling your coping mechanism as “bad,” recognize that it serves a purpose.  It's trying to meet a need. The first step is to identify the behavior and understand what it's helping you cope with. Action Step: Write down the top 1-2 coping mechanisms you want to change. Then, answer these questions: Where does your brain want you to go when you feel distressing emotions (what coping mechanism do you want to run to?) When do I usually engage in this habit? (Time of day, location, situation) What triggers it? (Stress, boredom, loneliness, anger, fatigue, etc.) What relief does it provide in the moment? (Escape, comfort, numbness, energy boost, etc.) Key Insight: Your coping mechanism isn't random. It's trying to solve a problem. 2. Reflect- Get Curious About the “Why” Our coping habits often mask deeper distressing emotions, unmet needs, and potentially neglected wounds. Before you can change a behavior, you need to understand what's really driving it. Action Step: Journal about these two questions: What thoughts or emotions usually come up before I engage in this habit? What am I actually needing in this moment? (Connection, rest, validation, control, security, self-compassion, etc.) Example: If you scroll on your phone late at night, is it because you're avoiding stress, craving connection, or struggling with loneliness? The more you understand, the easier it becomes to make lasting change. 3. Pause & Reframe- Shift from Judgment to Curiosity Before automatically engaging in your usual coping mechanism, pause and ask yourself: What emotion am I feeling right now? What do I actually need? (Attention? Rest? A break? Reassurance?) Action Step: Keep a Curiosity Log for 30 days. Each time you catch yourself engaging in your coping mechanism, write down: What happened before you did it (the trigger). What you were feeling. How you felt afterward. Key Insight: This will reveal patterns and help you see whether your habit is actually serving you or just postponing deeper healing or change that needs to occur.  4. Replace- Choose a Healthier & More Authentic Alternative Now that you understand what needs your coping habit is trying to meet and you have a kinder and more curious perspective on coping mechanisms, you can evaluate and make sure that your coping mechanisms are more authentic to the person you want to be.  Action Step: Create a “Healthy Coping Menu” with 3-5 alternative strategies that align with your values. If you cope through avoidance (procrastination, excessive screen time, etc.): Alternative: Set a 10-minute timer and just start. Action reduces anxiety. Alternative: Break tasks into micro-steps and reward progress. If you cope through emotional eating: Alternative: Pause, take three deep breaths, and check if you're physically hungry or emotionally overwhelmed. Alternative: Call a friend, journal, or go for a short walk before making a food choice. If you cope through isolation: Alternative: Set a small social goal (send a text, call one person, or plan a meetup). Alternative: Engage in an activity that fosters connection, like a hobby or volunteering. If you cope through aggression (outbursts, self-criticism, irritability): Alternative: Use a physical outlet (exercise, deep breathing, walking). Alternative: Write down your thoughts before reacting and ask, “What's the deeper emotion here?” Key Insight: The key isn't just stopping a habit. It's finding a better, healthier way to meet the same underlying need. 5. Thrive- Shift from Coping to Thriving Coping skills help you manage stress in the moment, but they aren't long-term solutions. If you find yourself repeatedly relying on coping, it's a sign something deeper needs to change. The real goal isn't just to cope better. It's to create a life where you don't have to cope as much in the first place. Action Step: Identify, Adjust, and Grow Identify the Root Cause – What's Driving Your Unhealthy Coping? Make a list of the stressors in your life that you find yourself coping with. Be specific; understanding the real problem is the first step toward meaningful change. Make Small but Meaningful Adjustments – What's One Realistic Change? Instead of just managing stress with coping, adjust the conditions that are creating stress in the first place. Maintain Healthy Coping While Implementing Change – Support Yourself Through the Process Instead of simply eliminating an unhealthy coping mechanism, replace it with a coping mechanism that aligns with the person you want to become. Then, allow yourself to use that healthy coping strategy as needed while actively working toward a long-term solution that addresses the need to cope to begin with.  Recap:  We have explored the pervasive nature of unhealthy coping mechanisms and how they often become entrenched habits that offer only temporary relief from underlying issues. These mechanisms, which include substance abuse, avoidance, negative self-talk, and more, are not signs of personal failure but rather attempts to self-soothe and regulate emotions.  The key to transformation lies in shifting our perspective. Instead of viewing these habits as enemies to be eradicated through sheer willpower and discipline, we should approach them with compassion and curiosity. Recognizing that these mechanisms signal a disconnect from our authentic selves allows us to address the root causes of our distress. Remember: Coping is a tool, not a solution. Instead of just managing stress, change the conditions that create it. Long-term change comes from small, intentional shifts in how you live, work, and relate to others. You don't just want to “cope better,” but you want to build a life where you don't have to cope so much in the first place. By approaching your coping mechanisms with curiosity and compassion, you'll begin to uncover the real issues and embark on a journey toward healthier habits and emotional alignment.  

Developing Emotional Autonomy in Relationships How do we navigate this vulnerability? By building emotional Autonomy. This means taking ownership of your emotions—understanding them, and managing them. It's about knowing yourself and being responsible for your emotional state rather than numbing out or blaming others. Emotional Autonomy vs. Emotional Immaturity: Emotional Immaturity: “You made me feel this way.” / “I'm fine” (when it's not true). Emotional Autonomy: “I feel this way. It's okay to feel this. I'm going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself. So I can show up as my best self in all my relationships.” Steps to Emotional Autonomy : Be curious & Non-Judgmental while Identifying body sensations, emotions, and feelings. Communicate and explore these feelings with a trusted support system. Own your emotional well-being—stop blaming others for how you feel. Take proactive steps to work through distressing emotions. What does it look like to practice emotional autonomy in each circle of relationships? Circle #1 Relationship: Self This is where we discover self. It is internal and eternal. It is the basis of creativity and resourcefulness. It is here we discover the purpose and passion of existence. It is where inspiration can be found. It is the spring of self-love, acceptance, value and authenticity. Circle #2 Relationship: Intimate This is where we express our deepest self in the deepest way. This is the relationship of closest vulnerability and authenticity. This intimacy will find expression in sexuality. (i.e. spouse, sexual partner) Circle #3 Relationship: Select Few This relationship involves individuals to whom there is the deepest bond and devotion. It is a relationship that experiences sincere vulnerability and validity without sexuality. It establishes earnest trust (i.e. close sibling, dearest friends...) Circle #4 Relationship: Few These are relationships we do life with. There is association at mutually connected events like reunions, weddings, funerals, interest groups, (i.e. friendships, family, extended family, associates) Circle #5 Relationship: Mandatory These are the relationships we do because we have to. They are the associations that revolve around our ‘to do' list. There is usually a common purpose or goal for the association. (i.e. Work and necessary commitments) Circle #6 Relationship: Peripheral  These are people we keep at arms length for one of two reasons: one, these people have hurt us before and would probably do it again given a chance or two, these people need something every time they make contact. These are (i.e. adversaries, acquaintances, codependent relationships, service clubs) Circle #7 Relationship: Temporal This is the stuff of life. In this circle are the things that 100 years from now will have no value to us and 10 years from now will not mean as much as they do today. These are the houses, the cars and the toys of life. They also encompass things that we can get comfort from that have the potential to form addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, pornography, …)

Emotional Autonomy is about owning your emotions and managing them in a way that strengthens your relationship with yourself without harming others in the process. It's learning to take responsibility for what you feel and working through those emotions in a healthy, constructive way that respects both your well-being and the well-being of those around you. Autonomy involves having the freedom and capacity to act according to one's own principles, values, and interests while taking responsibility for the consequences of those actions. In essence, autonomy is about self-determination, self-direction, and the capacity to shape one's own life and decisions with a sense of personal agency and authenticity. Emotional Autonomy is the practice of understanding your feelings, regulating them, and taking full responsibility for how you respond to them. It's not enough to just “not feel numb”—that's survival mode. Emotional Autonomy means diving into your inner world, understanding what's going on, and learning to navigate your emotions instead of suppressing them or avoiding the discomfort they bring. It's about stopping the blame game. Too often, we expect others to change so we can feel better: “You made me feel this way.” That kind of thinking gives away your power and keeps you stuck. Real growth happens when you own your emotions and choose to work through them, even when it's hard. It means admitting where you might have been wrong and learning how to take responsibility for your emotional well-being. Emotional Immaturity: “You made me feel this way.” “I don't know why I feel this way.” “I'm fine.” (When it's not true.) Emotional Autonomy : “I was curious about my emotions.  I discovered that I feel this way, and that's okay.  I'm going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself through it.” “What emotions do you often suppress? What's one small step you can take today to acknowledge and own that feeling?” Balancing Vulnerability and Assertiveness  “Balancing vulnerability and strength means integrating both. It's not either or it's both and.”  Think about how truly hard it is to share your dark secrets, you know the ones that only you know about yourself. Now imagine telling someone these things. Seems pretty terrifying doesn't it. That's why I say being vulnerable in a safe environment is one of the strongest things we can do.  Key Points: Be aware of your emotions and why they're arising. Communicate with clarity, staying assertive but not defensive. Build a support network beyond your partner—friends, mentors, groups—to help process emotions and challenges. Practical Steps for Emotional Autonomy : Step 1: Be Curious and Non-Judgmental: “Identify what's happening in your body. Notice physical sensations, emotions, and reactions.” Step 2: Communicate and Explore: “Share your emotions with a trusted support system. Don't bottle them up.” Step 3: Own Your Emotions: “Avoid blaming others. Take responsibility by saying, ‘I feel this way,' instead of ‘You made me feel this way.'” Step 4: Take Action: “Engage in self-care activities and proactive strategies to manage distressing emotions.”

The Vulnerability Myth (Part 1)  Let's face it— dating and relationships can be a minefield for men. On one side, we're told to open up, be vulnerable, and share our emotions. But when we do, the response isn't always what we expect. Sometimes, it's met with anger, confusion, or even panic. Other times, it feels like the person across from us wants to jump in and fix our problems as if we can't handle them ourselves. It's a tricky balance. Here's the truth: being emotionally aware and understanding how to regulate our feelings is critical for men. But vulnerability alone isn't a magic key that unlocks deeper relationships or solves all our problems. In fact, without the right understanding and approach, vulnerability can create more confusion, leaving us and our partners feeling lost. So, in today's episode, we're diving into what it really means to be vulnerable as a man in today's world—how to find that balance between strength and openness, and why emotional awareness is the foundation for real, healthy connection. We'll bust some myths, share some stories, and give you practical steps to navigate this space with confidence. Let's get into it. So what is the Vulnerability Myth? Reid's Setup of the Vulnerability Myth : The "Vulnerability Myth" tells us that if men just open up, share their emotions, and show vulnerability to their partner, they'll automatically be seen as good men, and magically, all their problems will disappear. But here's the truth: vulnerability alone isn't a magic wand. It's important, yes—but it's only part of the equation. When your partner asks you to be more vulnerable, they aren't looking for you to fix every problem in your relationship. What they really want is to know that you're aware of your inner world and that you can manage your emotions in a healthy way. They want to see you not just feeling things but moving through those emotions with intention—whether that's through self-care, leaning on your support system, or simply knowing when to take a step back. Ultimately, a man who understands what he's feeling and knows how to navigate those emotions with the right tools and a supportive community becomes someone who feels steady and trustworthy—someone who is both safe and desirable as a partner. As Connor Beaton puts it, “A man who is not aware of his emotional state, denies it, or cannot control his emotions when they arise, is seen as a potential danger, weak, and a threat—not only to himself but to his family, his partner, and women in general.” “Vulnerability, when met with misunderstanding or negativity, can do more harm than good.” “Men often feel encouraged to open up but then face emotional responses from their partners that push them away. It creates a cycle of disconnection.” Reflection: “Have you ever felt pressured to be vulnerable but didn't know how or felt punished when you tried? How have these experiences shaped your view on vulnerability?” Myths About Vulnerability Myth 1: Vulnerability is a Weakness “Vulnerability is an act of courage, not weakness. It's about showing up despite uncertainty and risk.” Myth 2: Men Don't Do Vulnerability “Our lives are full of uncertainty and emotional exposure. Leaning into these dynamics is the essence of vulnerability.” Myth 3: I Can Go It Alone “Humans are wired for connection. Belonging is crucial for our mental well-being, and groups like AMG provide that space.” Myth 4: Trust Comes Before Vulnerability “Trust and vulnerability go hand-in-hand. Vulnerability fosters trust when done with intention.” Myth 5: Vulnerability is Disclosing Everything to Everyone “True vulnerability requires discernment. Without boundaries, it becomes manipulation or oversharing.” I love this statement by Brene' Brown.  If we are sharing vulnerabilities just for the sake of sharing, then maybe we have an ulterior motive.  

What is “Shadow Work”? Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable. This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.  Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life. The Enneagram and Shadow Work The Enneagram is a powerful tool for understanding our personality and the shadow parts we hide. Each of the nine Enneagram types has qualities that are often suppressed and those that are highlighted. Understanding your Enneagram type helps you identify the specific qualities you tend to suppress, offering a roadmap for targeted Shadow Work. Enneagram Test Link: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ Type One: The Reformer Persona: To be good, to have integrity Shadowed Parts: Anger, imperfection deny spontaneous behavior, fun, and anger as resentment.  Let your hair down, be carefree  Highlighted: Responsibility, correctness Famous People: Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Emma Watson Type Two: The Helper Persona: To be loved, to be needed Shadowed Parts: Own needs, selfishness deny their own needs, own creativity and individuality. explore your own wants and needs. Find their own authenticity and individuality. Say no and find self identity.  Highlighted: Generosity, helpfulness Famous People: Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Oprah Winfrey Type Three: The Achiever Persona: To be valuable, to be admired Shadowed Parts: Failure, inauthenticity deny effectiveness over efficiency, ability to fail, telling themselves the truth Be honest about limits, be ok with failing, reclaim your genuine self.  Highlighted: Success, efficiency Famous People: Tom Cruise, Taylor Swift Type Four: The Individualist Persona: To find themselves, to be unique Shadowed Parts: Ordinariness, envy deny confidence, courage, happiness, being normal and similar  pull out positivity and goodness they have, be ok being ok, look to be positive Famous People: Frida Kahlo, Prince, Johnny Depp Type Five: The Investigator Persona: To understand, to be competent Shadowed Parts: Dependency, emptiness deny connection with others, emotional focus and feel, ok not knowing  Be ok not proving around others, don't need all the answers, embrace and do emotional health work. Highlighted: Knowledge, independence Famous People: Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates Type Six: The Loyalist Persona: To be secure, to be supported Shadowed Parts: Doubt, fear deny being ok with unknown,  living in the now, trust self and others  Trust self, practice being present, let go over worry and know future outcomes.  Highlighted: Loyalty, responsibility Famous People: Mark Twain, Ellen DeGeneres, J.R.R. Tolkien Type Seven: The Enthusiast Persona: To be satisfied, to be content Shadowed Parts: Pain, limitation deny simplicity, being bored/still, consistency and structure  Focus, structure, being ok in simple tasks and simple life. Highlighted: Joy, adventure Famous People: Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Richard Branson Type Eight: The Challenger Persona: To be in control, to protect themselves Shadowed Parts: Vulnerability, weakness deny need to be vulnerable, sensitivity, or ask for help. ask for help, be vulnerable, trust more, find innocence around creatures and kids, child likeness. Soften selves Highlighted: Strength, leadership Famous People: Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Serena Williams, and Reid Horn Type Nine: The Peacemaker Persona: To have inner peace, to avoid conflict Shadowed Parts: Conflict, assertiveness deny in the shadow their anger. Knowing your own wants and passions.  explore and feel anger. Find what you want, see conflict as necessary and inevitable.  Highlighted: Harmony, acceptance Famous People: Abraham Lincoln, Audrey Hepburn, Keanu Reeves  

Shadow Work (Part 2)  Today, we're diving into a topic that's as crucial as it is uncomfortable: authenticity.  Let me set the stage for this podcast. Picture this: a man finds his marriage on the brink of falling apart. He's convinced he's doing everything he "should" do to keep it together, yet he feels like he's constantly falling short. Growing up, he learned that showing certain emotions or traits of himself like being “too excited” or “too hyper” could jeopardize his relationships and get him in trouble with his parents – "boys don't cry," "toughen up," “Good kids are seen and not heard” you know the drill. Fast forward to adulthood, and he's still suppressing these parts of himself. He believes that if he shows vulnerable emotions or is “too much,” his partner will see him as weak. This habit of hiding – which began as a childhood survival tactic to secure connection with parents, friends, and others – is now wreaking havoc on his relationships. This brings us to the idea of the Shadow.  The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we've shoved into the dark because we were told they're unacceptable.  This act is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids and attempt to earn the connection that we need. As kids, we didn't have a concept of the Shadow or the idea that hiding parts of ourselves would cause future issues.  But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to continued inauthenticity and keeping us from realizing our full potential.   Today, we'll break down the difference between repression and suppression and why recognizing and integrating these shadow parts is essential for living authentically. We'll also integrate your Enneagram personality type to help you identify what you may be suppressing and share practical steps for self-integration. What is “Shadow Work”? Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable. As kids, we desperately need to feel safe and connected with those around us. If any part of us seems like it might threaten that connection, we quickly learn to hide it. How the Shadow forms: childhood experiences, societal expectations, and personal trauma. Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung called these hidden parts the "shadow."  Gabor Maté insightfully said that as kids, we will choose attachment over authenticity every time. This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.  Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life. Eragon Book Series concept of “True Names”  Defining Repression Repression is like stuffing everything you didn't want anyone to see into an old closet. As kids, we need secure attachment with our caregivers, so we hide anything that might threaten that bond. Imagine being a kid and hearing, "Boys don't cry," every time you felt like letting tears flow. You bury those feelings to maintain connection and acceptance. This protective habit doesn't disappear when you grow up. It sticks around, leading to a life that's not fully you. Defining Suppression If repression is unconsciously hiding parts of yourself, suppression is when you do it knowingly. It's a conscious choice to keep certain aspects hidden to fit the image you want to present. Think about the boy who grew up hearing, "Men don't cry." As an adult, he might suppress his emotions around his partner, thinking, "I can't let them see me cry; they'll think I'm weak." Suppression creates a barrier between you and genuine connection, denying yourself the freedom to be who you truly are. I see this all the time in counseling, whether I am working with someone in their early 20's or in their 70's.  They have held onto the things they've learned the “should do” in order to fit in and earn the connection and attachment they deserve and need. Even if it is at the cost of their Authenticity.     This is a common story among those in the LGBTQ+ community who are growing up.  Many will choose to remain in the closet and hide their sexuality, gender identity, and more to remain connected and attached to their attachment figures.   The Impact of Repression and Suppression Repression and suppression keep us from living authentically, creating a gap between who we are and who we present to the world. This gap leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and even depression. Without doing your personal shadow work you will never realize your full potential.   In relationships, this inauthenticity acts like a silent killer. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates distance, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction. Ask yourself: What have you been hiding? What parts of yourself did you shove into the shadows to feel accepted? How can you start bringing those parts into the light? The journey to authenticity starts with acknowledging these repressed and suppressed parts of yourself. It's about exploring your shadow, sorting through the mess, and integrating those hidden aspects into your life. Imagine a man who has always suppressed his emotional side. As he begins to integrate this hidden aspect, he allows himself to feel and express emotions more openly, connecting more deeply with others. Consider another man who has always hidden his creative side. By acknowledging and embracing this part of himself, he finds joy and fulfillment, inspiring others around him. The cost of all this hiding and masking is inauthenticity. You end up living a life that isn't fully yours, constantly editing yourself to meet others' expectations. This creates a gap between who you are and who you present to the world, leading to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and emptiness. The path to authenticity is challenging but essential for true connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance. Identifying Your Shadow Self-Reflection Techniques What parts of myself do I feel I need to hide to be accepted by others? Have you worked with others who were hiding parts of themselves? When do I feel the need to put on a different persona? Have you worked with others who did this? What emotions do I avoid expressing, and why? Have you worked with others who did this? Journaling prompts and questions to uncover hidden aspects of the self. Meditation and mindfulness practices for deeper self-awareness. Common Signs and Triggers Where you react, there lies a shadowed part.  Get curious and non-judgmental about that reaction. There is a mountain of wisdom there that your system is trying to communicate if we would only listen.  Building A Relationship with Our Parts When you start to uncover a part in your shadow, your next step is to build a relationship with that part.  Be curious and non-judgmental with that part.  Ask it how it is trying to protect you by suppressing this aspect of yourself.  Ask it what it would need to let you integrate this part of you.   Conclusion Today, we've delved into our shadows, exploring how aspects we learned to hide as kids can shape our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. Repression and suppression are real, impactful forces that can mess with our relationships, mental health, and overall sense of self. Understanding these concepts is a step closer to reclaiming your authentic self. Remember, authenticity isn't about being perfect; it's about being real. It's about acknowledging those shadowed parts of ourselves and integrating them into our daily lives. What's next? Reflect on the exercises we discussed. Ask yourself those tough questions. Join a group like the Authentic Men's Group (AMG) or work with a therapist or coach. I've created a journal to help you start your shadow work process. Visit www.horncounseling.org/tms to get a free copy of the Shadow Work Journal. Authenticity isn't a destination; it's a continuous process. It's about showing up, day after day, as your true self – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Start small, stay committed, and watch your life transform. Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions, or stories to share, reach out at AMG.buzz. We'd love to hear from you. Until next time, keep striving to be the real you.  

The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we've shoved into the dark because we were told they're unacceptable. This is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids. But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to inauthenticity. Resources we mentioned to start engaging in your own shadow work: Book: Men's Work by Connor Beaton Falling Upward by Richard Rohr Podcast: https://omny.fm/shows/mantalks/weekly-training-what-is-the-shadow#sharing  

Chapter #7   Suicide The word “”committed” is usually used in the context of crimes.  2016 suicide was ranked the 10thcause of death in the US. Pg 116 men die from suicide 4x more then women.  Pain is a natural reaction to death but suffering is what our mind does to us. 118 Death by suicide is not a selfish act or even a choice. It's a sign of a mind that needs help. 114 The path to freedom from the suffering caused by our minds is through finding meaning. Pg 118 There are many paths to meaning, and if you search for them, you will eventually find them. 119 Give the suicide hotline to call or text: #988 or website 988lifeline.org Chapter #8   Complicated Relationships   Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Anonymous However, hoping they will be different than they are only leads to more turmoil. Pg129 People are who they are, and they don't change just because we need them to. If they are important enough to us, we will overlook their insensitivity. If they are not, we may consider letting the relationship go. Pg 130 This is the difference between expectations on a relationship versus standards for a relationship.   We grieve in character, both good and bad. Pg 131 What does the Enneagram have to contribute to grieving?  My job is how I respond to situations and other people. How people choose to play their characters is not for me to evaluate. My one and only job is my own character. Pg 134 Too often when we deal with people in complicated relationships, we focus on their reactions. If I do this for them, will they appreciate it? Will it be reciprocated? I always encourage people to do kind things with no expectations. Expectations are resentments under construction. Pg 134 In the context of complicated relationships in the time of loss there is a lot of hurt.  Hurting people hurt people. As a result there are things that are done and said during a time of bereavement that can cause pain.  This is why Kessler goes into some depth talking about forgiveness because grieving neccessates forgiveness.Seek to make forgiveness a part of the grieving process.  Four Types of Forgiveness:             1.         Indirect forgiveness: you do it all inside yourself.             2.         Direct forgiveness: you do it openly in a straightforward manner with sincerity             3.         Conditional forgiveness: you forgive based on personal judgments made on the person's character or action.              4.         Unconditional forgiveness: you give the person forgiveness whether they ask for it or not with  disregard to their motives and having the personal motive of being free from resentment. This type of forgiveness is contingent on #1. Forgiveness opens our hearts when we are stuck in the prison of resentment. We get to be right, but we never get to be happy. The basic question of meaningful relationships is “Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?”  Pg 137  Four Processes to Consider When Forgiving             1.         Picture the person as an infant.             2.         Think of them growing up and someone hurting them.             3.         Acknowledge the relationship with that person for the duration of it and what it has contributed to life.             4.         Remember the process of my own life, where I am and how I got here.  When I recognize I'm human and I make mistakes, I can forgive others for their mistakes. Pg 138 This is a strategy for helping the person that has been hurt to work through the process of forgiveness.  This does not justify the hurt that was caused or mean that the consequences of their action.   One of the biggest spiritual lessons we can learn is to understand that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment. No one looks in the mirror in the morning and says; “I think I'll be a real jerk today.”  Pg. 139 It will help to remember that forgiveness is seldom for “them”. It is for you. Pg. 139 In  chapter #9 There are five specific ways that people can grow after tragedy:  pg. 158             1.         Their relationships grow stronger.             2.         They discover new purposes in life.             3.         They find inner strength.             4.         Spirituality is deepened.             5.         They renew their appreciation for life.  Chapter #10 Miscarriage and Infant Lose Even our dictionaries often include the word “failure” in the definition of miscarriage. Try to understand that while your partner may grieve differently from you, they still deserve a grief process that is treated with sensitivity and respect. Lean on each other during this difficult time, and give each other grace. How can they say goodbye when they've never had a chance to say hello? They are grieving for what could have been Chapter #11 Illnesses of Our Mind: Mental Illness and Addiction My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go into it alone.  Anne Lamott  171 Addiction should no longer be seen as a moral failing or a lack of willpower. It is a medical problem, an illness that leads to a progressively worsening chronic condition, and one that is particularly hard to fight, because the drugs involved attack the brain of users, the very organ that helps us fight other dangers to our survival. The same can be said for mental illness. We can't tell a person who is mentally ill or addicted to use his/her brain to help himself recover, because the brain is a diseased organ.  Pg 175 The Three C's of Al-Anon pg. 177             1.         We didn't cause it             2.         We cannot control it             3.         We cannot cure it Sometimes the most meaningful realization in the loss of grief is our loss of control. Meaning is everywhere if you look for it. Pg 178 Addiction is about numbness. When you're addicted, that numbness allows you to ignore the danger, to think that you're in control when you're using. And even when you are sober, you may still be numb to the danger and relapse. We understand the relapse is part of recovery. Pg 185  Chapter #12 More Love Than Pain I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains. Anne Frank The common belief is that grief is all about pain. Anyone who has been in grief would certainly agree with that. But I believe there is more. There is love. Why do we believe that the pain we feel is about the absence of love? The love didn't die when the person we love died. It didn't disappear. It remains.  The question is: How do we learn to remember that person with more love than pain… There is not getting around the pain. We have to go through it because it is an inevitable result of the separation we are experiencing. It's a brutal, forced separation. Pg 191 The pain you feel is proportionate to the love you had. The deeper you loved the deeper the pain. But you will find that love exists on the other side of the pain. It's actually the face of pain.  My thought - Love doesn't exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain. You can't heal what you can't feel. P 192 Get in touch with the feeling, let it speak to you, let it go through you and then be done with it. If you're sad, you need to stay with the sadness and feel it full. If you have a hundred tears to cry don't stop at fifty. The secret to remembering with love begins with accepting the pain, not trying to deny it or ignore it. Pg 192 No matter how deeply spiritual or religious we are, sometimes we want to be left in the humanness of our pain. 193 Whenever you are talking about your loss, do you want the spiritual response, the human response or both?  Pg 193 Those of us who have lost someone dear do need to be in pain. Pg 193 Feeling the pain is a necessary part of remembering the love. The pain is part of the love. We can't love someone and lose them without feeling pain. Not only do we have a need to feel the pain, we also need to have it witnessed by others, not pushed away. Pa 195 Grief may be postponed but it cannot be eradicated. Pg 195 Buffalo run into a storm, thus minimizing how long it will last Pg 196 The avoidance of grief will only prolong the pain of the grief. Better to turn toward it and allow it to run its natural course, knowing that the pain will eventually pass, that one of these days we will find the love on the other side of the pain. Pg. 196  We are made up of love. We are the sum total of love. If I've ever felt one moment of real love in my life, that can be with me in my most terrifying moments. Love never dies. In our darkest moments love remains. When everything else is gone, love continues. Pg 197 What we appreciate, appreciates.  198 The Three Steps To Taking In The Good  (Rick Hanson) 199               1.         Identify a positive experience or memory             2.         Enrich it. Savor it. Intensify it.             3.         Absorb the experience. Sink into it and let it sink into you.  Pain is never the whole story. We may get lost in it for a while, but there's always something more. Pg 200 Love Bursts – a surge of love that comes from a memory of a person.  When we move through pain and we release it, we fear there will be nothing, but the truth is, when the pain is gone we are connected only in love. Kessler says, “Though much of my work is about giving people permission to grieve fully after a loss, I also want to give them permission to keep loving. 202 Love doesn't stop with death. A body dies but love doesn't.  page 202  Love doesn't exit because of the pain; no, love exists in, through and beyond the pain. You can't heal what you can't feel. P 192 Feel the pain, experience the love. I find that when I reflect on the people I have lost that if I concentrate for just a bit I can still feel their love Look for small seeds of love in pain. Just like a delicate plant, we have to pay attention to it and nourish it. If we do, the love will flower once again in our hearts. Pg 202 Chapter #13 Legacy In 2010 Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffet created a Giving Pledge, a campaign to encourage billionaires to commit to donating half or more of their wealth to philanthropic causes during their lifetime. Pg 205  Each of us affects many people throughout our lives. The movie It's a Wonderful Life does a brilliant job of helping us realize how many people we affect in our lives without realizing it. Pg 206 Write down their memories in a memory book to share with friends and family. They can continue to observe traditions and visit places that were meaningful to that person. Pg 209 Missing them is part of the remembering them, and how you remember your loved one is part of their legacy.  Pg209 Visiting a place that was special to our loved ones helps us remember and connects us to their legacies.  Pg 210 Ensuring that the good qualities of your loved one will live on in your own life is perhaps the most meaningful of all legacies. Pg 211 We grieve as a tribe and we're always modeling for that tribe. Pg 212 Ultimately our loved ones belongings can become a trap when se find ourselves unable to part with them… What I have learned from my work is that as we decrease the outer evidence that our loved ones lived, we must increase the evidence inside of us.  Pg215 I help people understand that they themselves are the biggest piece of evidence of their loved one's lives.  As you think about how to do something meaningful with the things that are in your possession, I encourage you to photograph those things you care about before letting them go. I've found that you can get the same emotional reaction from a photo as you do from the item itself.   Pg217 You are also beginning to process the reconstruction of your own life. Nothing will return you to the way you were before you lost your loved one. But everything you do to help his legacy flourish and grow will help you grow, too.  Chapter #14 Grieving to Believing: The Afterlife Just as birth is about a change in the mother's connection to the infant who was once inside of her, so is death a change in our relationship to the person who is no longer here but still lives within us. Death does not end a relationship, it changes it.  Pg220  Expand on this below. In a mother's womb were two babies. The first baby asked the other: “Do you believe in the life after this world?” The second baby replied, “Why of course. There has to be something after this world.” “Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after this world. What would that life be? The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after this would be impossible. The umbilical cord is too short. There can't be a world after this one.” The second baby held his ground. “I think there is something, and maybe it's different than it is here. Maybe we'll see each other there.” The first baby replied, “If there is another world, no one has ever come back from there. Leaving here is the end of life and after delivery, there will be nowhere to go and nothing but darkness.” Well, I don't know,” said the twin. “But certainly we'll see Mother and she will take care of us.” “Mother?”  The first baby guffawed. “You believe in a mother? An all-powerful, intelligent being that makes all this happen? Where is she now?” The second baby calmly and patiently tried to explain. “She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her, there would not be a world.” “Ha. I don't see her, so it's only logical that she doesn't exist.”  To which the other replied, “Sometimes when you're in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her. I believe there is a reality after this world.” Writing a good-bye letter may be a terrible idea because the relationship has not ended. Writing a transformation letter may be effective Pg 220 The Five Stages of Grief were never meant to be an end unto themselves, and completion of them wasn't supposed to signify the ending of the relationship or grief. There is a continuing evolution in the relationship pg. 221 When someone dies the relationship doesn't die with them. You have to learn how to have new relationships with them. You can still keep learning from them in your everyday life. Pg 221 I have seen my wife do this with her grandmother in asking how she would approach a certain situation with the wisdom and candor that her grandmother still provides.  You're not closing the door on a relationship with the person who died. You don't ever bring the grief over a loved one to a close. You're opening the door to a different relationship. Remaining connected to your loved one in grief is not “unhealthy grieving.” It's normal. In death, our attachments continue, as does the love. The connections continue to evolve. Pg222 “My mother's and my relationship has improved a great deal in the twenty years since she passed away. I think I've learned to understand her and look at her with more compassion.”  Pg223 There are three phenomena encountered by those dying:  pg. 226             1.         Visions – looking into the world to come.             2.         Getting ready to go on ‘a trip'             3.         Crowded rooms. Three possible options for viewing the afterlife:  Pg 227             1.         They have an awareness of you. They see you grieving.             2.         They are no longer in touch with this world.              3.         They died, and their consciousness became nothing.             One focus – We should grieve fully and then live fully. We were put on this earth for such a short time and we will never get to experience this life again. So why don't we think about how much one more day would mean in our own lives?  Pg 228 In the face of great losses life goes on. The world keeps spinning. The seasons change. Every storm gives way to a clear new day. Despite our losses we continue… Love and life remain within us and the potential for meaning is always there. 228 Either all deaths matter or none of them do. Pg238 The worst kind of loss is your loss Pg 238 Acknowledge the power of grief Pg 239 Broken heart syndrome is a temporary disruption of your heart's normal pumping function, often brought on by a surge of stress hormones triggered by a serious event, such as the death of a loved one… Women are more likely to have broken heart syndrome, but anyone over fifty-five is at a higher risk.  Pg 240 If we shut our ears out of hurt and anger, we will miss it. Pg 244 Martin Seligman 3 P's that can shape our world after loss             1.         Personalization – you blame yourself for it, or feel like the only one who has ever suffered such a tragic loss             2          Pervasiveness – you believe that a negative event will destroy everything in your life             3.         Permanence – you believe that the effects of a loss or a disaster will last forever.  No one likes or wants this new normal  Pg.  245 The phrase “I don't know how you are doing it”. I tell them I am not. I have just decided to be a part of ongoing life. What would best honor the years they didn't get? That could be one way of bringing meaning to our lives without them.  Pg248 People often think there is no way to heal from severe loss. I believe that is not true. You heal when you can remember those who have died with more love than pain, when you find a way to create meaning in your life in a way that will honor theirs. It requires a decision and a desire to do this, but finding meaning is not extraordinary, it is ordinary. It happens all the time all over the world.  Pg 248 There are people who walk this earth in awe of the life around them. They are not people who have had a perfect life. The truth is they are often the ones who have had a lot of tragedy. Pg 248 There are magical moments to be had with our living loved ones now. Our job is to find them and cherish them. Through them, we can still find sweetness in the world. Pg 249 There are challenges to finding meaning. Every moment we are making choices-whether to move toward healing or to stay stuck in pain. Like all the other stages, the sixth stage of grief requires movement. We can't move into the future without leaving the past. We have to say goodbye to the life we had and say yes to the future. Pg 249 Ask yourself, “Who would I be if I changed and grew with this loss? More important, who will you be if you don't? 249 Now that your loved one has died, who are you? Pg 249

Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience. David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning.  What is Grief? Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed. Chapter #4 The First Step in Finding Meaning: In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer. Albert Camus pg. 67 On retreats on day #1 – write a letter to your past.  Day #2 write a letter to your future self.  It starts with a blank piece of paper but your future isn't written yet. You are the writer. Not your past, not your losses, not death. But you are the creator of your future… Don't let your past dictate your future. Pg 70 The story you tell yourself repeatedly becomes your meaning.  Pg 71 Original Meaning  Transformed vs. New Meaning: The death happened to me. vs. Death happens. I'm a victim. vs. I am a victor because I have survived a loss. This death was a punishment. vs. Death is usually random. Why did this happen to me? vs. Everyone gets something this lifetime.  It happened because of something vs. There was nothing I could have done. My story is the saddest one vs. My story had very sad parts. Your life will never be the same but happiness again is still possible. Never being happy again is a statement about the future and no one can predict the future. All they can know for sure is that they are unhappy today. It helps to say, “I'm unhappy today.” and leave it at that. Pg 72 Whatever thoughts you water are thoughts that will grow. Pg 73 Perhaps it is time to put down the mirror and pick up the binoculars. (Telescope, microscope) * MVVP book reference  I look at the meaning the person is giving the event and then I help them change the meaning, not the event. The event is not going to be any different, but the meaning can be, and this can help them to deal with the loss. Pg 76 The reality is that no two people will ever react to an event in the same way.  How you respond will depend upon the meaning you see in it. And like all perceptions of meaning, this will be influenced not just by the event itself, but also by your cultural background, your family, religion, temperament and life experience. Meaning comes from all that has made you who you are. Pg 77 Where is your loved on now?  Is a good question but also “When are they?” They are no longer in the moment. They are past suffering pg. 77 Allowing yourself only to focus on the past, however miserably, can seem easier, more comfortable, than deciding to live fully in the world without your loved one. Pg 79 Underneath the reluctance to live or love again is fear. Pg 79 A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for” John A. Shield. When we are grieving, we want to stay in the harbor. It's a good place to be for a while. It's where we refuel, rebuild and repair. But we are meant to find new adventures… Pg 80 As the Buddha says, “if you are a lamp for someone else, it will brighten your path.” The parable of the long spoons: A person is ushered into a banquet hall There are rows of tables laden with platters of sumptuous food, but the people seated around the tables are pale and emaciated, moaning in hunger. As he gets closer, he sees that each person is holding a spoon. But the spoon is so long he can't get the food to his mouth. Everyone is starving in agony. The person is then taken to another banqueting area where he encounters the same feasting  arrangement he encountered in the first hall. There is again a cornucopia of food but here the people seated at the tables are cheerfully talking and eating because the long spoons are being used to feed each other. Taking the challenges, impairments and predicaments that we have been given (the long spoons of our lives) and using them to help others can really give meaning to those challenges, impairments and predicaments and can help nourish and nurture others while we receive the same for ourselves Chapter #5 The Decision Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?   Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Mary Oliver Pg 83 Not making a decision is a decision. Healing does not allow for neutrality. It's an active process, not a passive one.  We have to participate in our own healing not just expect it to happen.  Living is different from being alive.  Pg 83 The decision to live fully is about being present for life, no matter how hard life is at the moment. It's about what you are made of, not what happens to you. Pg 84 C.S Lewis said in his book The Problem with Pain, “Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.” Make a conscious decision to live, not just be alive. Pg 85 When an elephant grows up, it'll clearly be strong enough to break the rope, but because by then it has learned that struggling is useless, and it will no longer attempt to pull up the small peg or break the rope. Pg 88 “Till death do us part” The marriage contract ends at death. It is done. No one's vow includes the afterlife. Pg 90 Sometimes we need help making the decision to say our goodbyes to them in life and move our loved ones into our hearts in death. Pg 92 No matter how long you were together, it's not enough time but the love you shared is not gone. It lives within you as a part of you. The experience of love that you had can never be destroyed or changed by a new love. That love will exist forever in its own time, in its own way in your heart. But more love can be available to you if you desire. Your heart can have many loves in its lifetime.  A new love can grow out of the same soil without diminishing a past love. You still have life.  Pg 94 At times, our challenge is a new love; other times it is a new life. Pg 94 We often don't realize that the decision to live is an active one that requires our participation.  Pg 95 We are capable of more love throughout our life than we realize. “95 Make the decision to do so Broken crayons still color.  Pg 96   Part II  The Challenges in Grieving  Chapter #6 Finding Meaning in Why New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. Lao-tzu Pg 99 You woke up for a reason this morning, and that reason is for the purpose of finding meaning in your life. P102 Small moments can have big meaning. Everything you do has the potential for meaning.  P103 We affect others in ways we will never know, often by simply being ourselves. Pg104 Whatever the reason, when there's guilt, there's a demand for punishment, so survivors will often punish themselves or attract people who will do it for them. Pg 104 You will always be connected to your son but you don't have to be connected to the pain. You can connect in love. Pg 107 When we don't have a why we tend to jump in and play God. We tell ourselves, “ I could have prevented his death,” or “It should have been me.” This means we are attributing to ourselves the power that we don't have. Pg. 108 To begin to heal you must give the power back to God, the universe, fate, or whatever you believe in. That might mean you begin to acknowledge your anger at God. I believe God is big enough to handle your anger and rage. Pg 109 The why you must answer is not why your loved one died, but why you lived. Why are you here?  Turn the why into how or what. How can I move on from here? What meaning can I find for living? Why's build walls and we can bump into the wall time and time again and not have the answer to the why. As a matter of fact it can even seems that every time we ask why we put another brick on the wall..  If that is the case change the question to how. Where why questions build walls how questions build bridges. How can I move on from here? If I give up answering the why I can then accept the way things are in the present and move on from there. The how question helps me to move on. How can I move on from here even if I don't know the why.  The life that was lost was precious. If we have been granted more time, shouldn't we believe that our life is also precious? Pg111

Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience. David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning.  What is Grief? Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed. Part I – Every Loss Has Meaning Chapter #1 What is Meaning? The person who sees death as sacred has found a way to find meaning in it. Pg 14 Kessler references Victor Frankl's cornerstone work, Man's Search for Meaning. Kessler says that this book is a beacon for those who wonder how meaning can emerge from tragedy… Frankl suggested that when we are faced with a situation that is hopeless and unchangeable, “we are challenged then to change ourselves”. When we make the choice to change ourselves, we can turn tragedy into an occasion for growth.  Pg 14 The hope that we find in individual situations of grief leads to a life full of meaning. As we move from one grief to the next, one disappointment to the next all the while we are challenged to change. Grief doesn't get smaller over time, we get bigger. Pg 15 Pain, death, and loss never feel good, but they're unavoidable in our lifetime. Yet the reality is posttraumatic growth happens more than posttraumatic stress. 15 Whenever you find it, meaning matters, and meaning heals. Pg15  Vision from the great Avengers of Marvel Comics says “What is grief, if not love persevering?” Chapter #2  Grief Must Be Witnessed Each person's grief is as unique as his or her fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn't mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining. Pg 29 Sitting shiva in Jewish culture seems to get the idea of grieving. For a time period of 3 to 7 days friends and family come to the mourners home and just sit with the people in grief. They say nothing unless they are spoken too. They are just present for the people that are grieving. This really is what grieving while having a witness is all about. Just being present. Just being seen. But in our hyper-busy world, grief has been minimized and sanitized. Pg 30 we have diluted it because it's scary to think about our own death. We like things we can control and we can control our busyness. We are very egocentric and attached to this life. We don't like not knowing exactly what awaits us in the next life.  Grief should unite us. It is a universal experience. 30 The act of witnessing someone's vulnerability can bring the person out of isolation if the witnessing is done without judgment. (Great theme statement for AMG) 31 Grief is what's going on inside of us, while mourning is what we do on the outside. Pg31  When people ask me how long they're going to grieve I ask them, “How long is your love one going to be dead?” That's how long. I don't mean you will be in pain forever but you will never forget that person. 31 Loss can become more meaningful-and more bearable- when reflected and reflected accurately, in another's eyes. 33 If the love is real, the grief is real pg. 34 Good interaction exercise – Have two people who are grieving stand facing each other and place their hands over their own hearts. Then look into each other's eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.” This kind of witnessing of another's vulnerability can be very healing.  Pg 34 As I read this in the book I found myself tearing up when thinking of the grief I have experienced with others. My wife and I created A Grief Workshop for a large church that we served on staff with early in our careers. I wish that I would have known of this exercise when we were developing this workshop. How powerful to look into another's eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.”  Something goes out of alignment when we try to avoid sadness and grief. 35 Life gives us pain. Our job is to experience it when it gets handed to us. Avoidance of loss has a cost. Having our pain seen and seeing the pain of others is a wonderful medicine for both body and soul. Pg 35 Life has peaks and valleys. It's our responsibility to be present for both. Pg 35 “The time will come when memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes” That's how it goes, pain first, meaning later. Pg 41 Having grief witnessed is about making loss real. Pg 42 When we feel it, we release it and we can be free.  Pg 44  (My rephrasing– When we feel it, we can feel free to release it.) Funerals and memorials are important. Something profound happens when others see and hear and acknowledge our grief. Pg 44 Two things bring us together: 1. Love 2. Suffering Our children, just like us, need their pain witnessed, and a funeral is important to them. Pg 46 We are not meant to be islands of grief. The reality is that we heal as a tribe. Pg 47   We see this often in men's groups as men invite other men to connect with them by sharing their loss and grief openly.  Chapter #3 The Meaning of Death Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete. Victor Frankl. Pg. 49 The death shapes the grief.  Pg 49 I often teach that in grief, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pg 51 Writing proves helpful in processing our grief  pg. 52  Journaling seems especially helpful in the processing of grief Kessler says that writing proves helpful in three ways: 1. It examines causes and consequences. People who write use more words and phrases like: because, understand, realize, and work through. When we examine writing we use our arm and our hand which is between our head, the center of our thoughts and our heart or out our gut (which in eastern thinking is the center of our emotions.) So by writing we are expressing our thoughts and our feelings. When we further examine this we also realize that writing engages the two hemispheres of our brain, the left hemisphere which is responsible for language and speech and the right hemisphere which plays a large part in the interpreting the visual information and spatial processing. So in writing it is rather like lining up the crosshairs of a scope. We bring into alignment thoughts and feelings and language and processing. 2. There is a shift in perspective. From I and me to he and she and then to us  It is important to remember there is not us and them. It is just us and we all experience grief.That which is most personal is most universal 3. Finding positive meaning in the traumatic experience.  The way we view death reflects how we look at life.  Death most often is thought of as a failure. Listen to how we speak of it: She succumbed to the illness, He lost the battle with cancer, and they didn't make it.  Pg55 Apparently, no matter how great our life, we are destined to fail in the end. That doesn't have to be our understanding of either life or death, however. Pg 56 Fear doesn't stop death. Fear does stop life, however, but it doesn't have to. If we allow ourselves to live with the consciousness of death, it will enrich us by making us understand how precious life is. Pg 56 But painful as it is, if we can view the approach of death as a reminder to us to value every moment, we can find new sources of meaning. Pg 58   Death makes life valuable.  Pg 58 This life is a limited time offer. Pg 58 My mantra is “What's meaningful?” I ask it all the time. Pg 60 What presence is worthy of my essence? What's meaningful can change our experience of imminent death… But for so many the last chapter of life is not the most interesting one, or the most important. We almost see it as a meaningless, “throwaway” part of life. Instead of using the precious time to complete relationships, to express our love, we allow the final chapter to become the series of medical issues to be conquered; a frantic search for a cure when one is no longer possible. Pg 62 Everything that lives must die. But while life has to end, love doesn't. Pg. 64 The end of your loved one's life is not the end of your relationships, since your love lives on. Pg 65 Instead of sitting in the room with their loved one staring at them when they are unconscious or sleeping try turning to face away from them so you can start practicing their presence without being able to rely on sight. Pg 65

Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience. David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning.  What is Grief? Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed. Grief is something in our culture that we often don't know how to approach. And until its on happening to us or someone we love. we typically don't like to think about death or talk about it. The Original Five Stages of grief by Kubler-Ross: Denial - This isn't happening to me Anger - Why is this happening to me? Bargaining - What can I change to stop this happening to me? Depression - There isn't anything I can do to stop this happening to me. Acceptance - I take this for what it is even if I don't want it. The 6th stage proposed by Kessler is Meaning. What does meaning look like? It can take many shapes, such as finding gratitude for the time they had with loved ones, or finding ways to commemorate and honor loved ones, or realizing the brevity and value of life and making that the springboard into some kind of major shift or change. (Pg. 3) Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for them after their death while you're moving forward with your life. (Pg. 7) Thoughts that may guide in understanding meaning: (Pg. 7) Meaning is relative and personal. Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss. Meaning doesn't require understanding. It's not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning. Even when you do find meaning, you won't feel it was worth the cost of what you lost. Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen. Only you can find your own meaning. Meaningful connections will heal painful memories.  Love and grief are inextricably intertwined. Love and grief come as a package deal. If you love, you will one day know sorrow. (Pg. 9)

In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic. In this podcast we continue this conversation and give 4 key factors of how to start unlocking our authentic self.  Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman developed an Authenticity Inventory back in 2000 comprised of four key factors needed for authenticity: They came up with a technical description of authenticity as "the unimpeded operation of one's true or core self in one's daily enterprise." People who score high in authenticity are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-destructive habits. They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, confidence in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing goals. The authentic self isn't always pretty. It's just real. Authenticity Displayed in Four Key Factors of Activity: 1. Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one's own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities. 2. Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without denial or blame. Which is easier said then done.  That where AMG helps me.   3. Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection. 4. Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require openness and honesty.  

In this podcast we talk about what it is like to live authentically during the holidays. We reference the 8 qualities and how we personally will look to incorporate these into our holidway experience with friends and family. 8 Qualities of Authenticity:  Curiosity Calm Clarity Connectedness Confidence Courage Creativity Compassion  

In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic. Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world. Adam Grant Living an authentic life with courage is meeting your fear, looking it in the eye, but diving in anyway because it is how you want to show up for yourself. Brene Brown The idea of authenticity is a powerful shaping force for individual identity, a functional state, a way of moving through the world. Authenticity is also a feeling, and research shows it feels awfully good.  You can counterfeit a Picasso, but can you counterfeit yourself?  Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one's authentic self can hinder that growth. We will know that we are accessing our authentic self when we can access all 8 of these qualities:  Curiosity  Calm Clarity  Connectedness Confidence  Courage  Creativity  Compassion

Regretfully Yours (Part 2)  The Four Categories of Regret from part 1 are: 1. Foundational Regrets - “If only I had more…” 2. Boldness Regrets - “If only took a risk …” 3. Moral Regret - “If I had that decision back I would have…” 4. Connection Regrets - “If I would have stayed connected to…”   How to Respond to Regret: 1. Be Aware of it (this is what the first podcast was dedicated to) Identify them in detail Explore why we have them. The keys to awareness 2. Express it - Do not deny regrets but express them with a select few trusted confidants. Disclosing our regrets. Be vulnerable for it: Releases some of the burden Begins making sense of the process when we begin to articulate Creates bonds to others who can relate and empathize. Eliminate isolation for regret grows in isolation. 3.  Embrace it - Make it matter because it does. To flippantly let on it doesn't mean anything is a sure way to have it hang around.  We can't transcend something we don't embrace. Feel the pain but don't let it turn to shame, acknowledge the hurt but don't let it turn into guilt. When we embrace it we can learn to embrace ourselves with self compassion, self- kindness and self-acceptance knowing that we are good men capable of doing things we may regret. 4. Transform it - renew it, reshape it, remold it, redo it, reconstruct it, rebuild it, recast it, reorder it, reframe it, reorganize it, restyle it.  Just ‘re' it. Turn a bad decision into good data. Turn a bad decision of something we did into a healthy expression of who we really are.   The Benefits of Regret: 1. Sharpens our decision making skills for the future. “I won't do that again” 2. Secures our performance on a range of tasks. The more we do the more we get to do but if we let our regrets of the past hold us back we won't try things which by the way  is one of the four categories of regrets. Don't measure our worth based on our performance but based on our character. As we often say in AMG. “You are a good man” 3.  Strengthens our sense of meaning and connectedness.  We realize that we all are strugglers. I am a fellow struggle with every other human struggler on the planet.  We are all just trying to find our way and sometimes that way is found through regret. 4. Shows us what we really want in that if we did the opposite of what we regret we would have a sense of fulfillment.  The camera negative   We encourage you to talk about your regrets openly and find the freedom of vulnerability and authenticity.

Regret is one of our most powerful feelings and regrettably one of the most misunderstood. Regret covers a myriad of circumstances from wishing we would have eaten oatmeal instead of the cinnamon danish this morning for breakfast to feeling remorse for not telling a loved one how much we loved them before they died. The Four Categories of Regret: 1. Foundational Regrets - did not make choices that give enough stability and security Not saving enough money or not paying attention to health. “If only I had more…” 2. Boldness Regrets - did not take a chance on doing something I should have Starting a business, not asking someone out, not speaking up “If only took a risk …” People who took risks and failed still were glad they took the risk because it taught them something 3. Moral Regret - did something they should not have or did not do something they should have Affairs, bullying, stealing, cheating “If I had that decision back I would have…” 4. Connection Regrets - did not stay in touch and as a result we drifted apart. Disassociated with family and/or friends “If I would have stayed connected to…” It is not too late to reach out and awkwardness is most often rewarding to those who take the initiative.

In this podcast we discuss how to be assertive in our #5-#7 circles of relationships paradigm. These circles consist of work, giving, boundaries, possesions and coping mechanisms of life.  Circle #5 – The Mandatory Relationships (work and to do lists) Assertiveness in the workplace means being confident in communicating our opinions, suggestions, challenges and desires. It means representing ourselves well in the company while representing the company well.  It is about making conflict about the problem or challenge that is important to face in order to make it a better workplace.  It is about trusting if the authenticity of the company is worthy of personal authenticity. Circle #6 – The Peripheral Relationship Boundaries are important in these relationships.                                                                              There are two different categories in this circle:  The people who have hurt The people who will take from us.  Give no energy to our enemies.  It's not harsh to be assertive, it's harsher when people take advantage of you. Janna Cachola  Don't argue with someone because they have a difference of opinion unless we are willing to argue with ourselves in 10 years when your changes.  Be assertive in our research of where we will give.   Be assertive with our giving. We have three things to give; energy, time and resources.  Circle #7 - Temporal Are the things that help us cope or give us status.                                                                              These relationships are attached to a materialistic or consumer based culture.                            They add a temporal fix and try to satisfy the inner by the outer. Addictions - Alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling - Guys who struggle with addictions are often trying to change the behavior.  Get assertive about the desire or want that is present. Identify the core issue. This is a number Circle #1 issue not a Circle #7 issue. Be assertive about understanding ourselves Get assertive about what is enough personally.  Get assertive about what it means to have a good life. Define this for ourselves and don't let our culture define it for us.  Practical Notes of Application    1. Communicate clearly and directly: Speak in a clear and confident tone, and use specific language to express your thoughts and feelings. - Keep it short, clear and censer    2. Stand up for yourself: Don't be afraid to speak up when you feel that your rights or needs are being disregarded or ignored. - Know your values and priorities and then communicate them. Communicate what you do want. Example: I would love to go but I am going to hang out with my family.  3. Use "I" statements: When expressing your thoughts and feelings, use "I" statements to take ownership of them. For example, instead of saying "you're wrong," say "I disagree." 4. Respect others' opinions: While being assertive, it's important to respect others' opinions, even if you don't agree with them. 5. Listen actively: Listen to others' opinions and concerns and acknowledge them. 6. Be flexible: Be willing to compromise and negotiate in order to find a solution that works for everyone. 7. Practice confidence: Believe in yourself and your abilities, and practice assertive behavior in different situations. 8. Seek professional help: If you're having trouble being assertive, consider seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist. Use DESC model by Sharon and Gordon Brower in book asserting yourself.  Describe the behavior that affecting you  Express emotion I am feeling  Solution that may help Conclusion or consequence if something doesn't change.

ASSERTIVENESS IN THE ESSENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS OF LIFE In this podcast we discuss the importance of using assertiveness in the essential relationships in our life. We use the paradigm Circle of Relationships.  Circle #1 – The SOURCE Relationship It is where I discover self. It is the internal and the eternal. It is where I find my purpose and passion  Know what we want personally and fulfill that desire. The only time to let people put you in a box is just before your funeral. Self-awareness is the key to self-assertiveness The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can't teach others how to respect me if I haven't learned what there is to respect about myself.  It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. Assertiveness is not what you do, it's who you are. Shakti Gawain. Once we know what we want and we can express that in relationship. If we don't, staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul. Circle #2 – The Intimate Partner Relationship This is where we express the deepest self in the deepest way to another individual. This is the place of emotional and physical intimacy and is where sexual expression is made.  It is one relationship that is committed and communicative. It the relationship of deepest authenticity and vulnerability. If we meet our own needs we can approach the intimate relationship with openness in communication. Communication is ‘seeking to understand before being understood'. When we have met our own needs with assertiveness we can approach the relationship communicating what we desire in a connected and intimate relationship.  Be assertive while being attentive.  Sex is a key focus in this and we can approach it with assertiveness and submission.  Good sex is when it is difficult to tell who is enjoying the most, the one who is submitting or the one who is dominant and then reversing those roles to continue the intimate adventure. Some of the most miserable men I have had in my office are those who have lived by the mantra of ‘a happy wife makes a happy life'   Circle #3 and 4 - Friendships, Family Circle #3 – The Select Few Relationships These are relationships of deepest bond and devotion Here is where I experience vulnerability and validity without sexuality. They establish earnest trust and are the best frienships of life.                            Circle #4 – The Few These are people I do life with. They are there for support in the celebratory and sad events of life. These are the people that are going to be there at funerals and weddings.          I can be authentic but often not vulnerable in these relationships  What is good the personal is good for the couple is good for the family.  Conclusion Practicing assertiveness in all of the Circle of Relationships will be a constant struggle.  Some relationships will require us to be more aggressive, some relationships will require us to be more passive. We can have confidence in this, we won't get it right all the time.  If we humbly acknowledge this we can move toward healthy growth in our assertiveness and this can have a beneficial effect on our circle of relationships from the inside out.                                                             For more information on the circle of relationships check out our podcasts below: Circle 1: https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/20787b4e/the-1-relationship-source Circle 2: https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/1a64511e/the-2-relationship-significant-other Circle 3: https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/83f7d9e4/the-3-relationship-best-friends Circle 4: https://www.amg.buzz/podcast/episode/855970d9/the-4-relationship-friends-and-family    

Why is Assertiveness important? If we don't have it we won't know what we want and how to get it. We leave fate to write our story. Fate is a horrible author.  What is Assertiveness?  The best contribution to learning to be assertive is to be learning about myself. I can't teach others how to respect me if I haven't learned what there is to respect about myself.  Passive:   Respecting others and not self  Aggressive: Respecting self and not others  Assertive: Respecting Self & Others in how we communicate, behave, and think. Passive-Aggressive: Appearing passive as manipulation with aggressive intentions.  Passive individuals - Are inhibited, indirect communicators, fearful of offending, and prefer that others make the decisions. They are considered as ‘pushovers' by others, and they seldom get their communication needs met. They often hold feelings in and these feelings lead to resentment. They are the shrinking violets of the relationship.  They take a lose-win attitude to communication (Their internal dialogue is, “I lose and you win.”) Passive Inhibited individuals make others feel like there is disinterest and apathy in the relationship. Partners feel bewildered, ghosted, over responsible and isolated.  Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied. Are brutally honest, direct, and forceful.The major purpose for them is to be right. They will bulldoze and steamroll the conversation. They expect their opinion to be known first and often last.  These individuals may even gaslight (take something that was said and make it the other person's problem) Their internal dialogue is, “I win, you lose”. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. This causes them to put down others so they can make their point or win the discussion. They prefer to make decisions and do not want to be corrected, sometimes even if they are wrong. Aggressive individuals make others feel inferior, intimidated and unsure. Partners feel unsafe, unappreciated and even bullied.  Assertive - Are direct, authentic and honest communicators.  They speak the truth even when it might be tough to do so. They address issues with empathy, compassion and love. They trust the process of speaking directly. They press in on issues that need to be addressed in appropriate places at appropriate times.   They take a win-win attitude toward communications. Their internal dialogue is, “I win and you win”.  They treat others with respect yet have confidence in their own ability to communicate and come to agreement. They work toward a healthy balance of submitting if warranted and being forceful when needed. They are willing to compromise and negotiate. Assertive individuals make others feel equal, affirmed and secure. Partners feel significant, unified and understood. Misconceptions of assertiveness  Assertiveness is not Aggressiveness  Assertiveness is not a Jedi Mindtrick  Assertiveness is not always the best response  Again, the opposite of unhealthy is still unhealthy.  If a person is naturally more mild-mannered and introverted, to become an overbearing jerk is not the way to go just as it would be unnatural for an aggressive and forceful personality to all of the sudden become meek and timid. It may cause those who know him to think he has had a lobotomy.  The healthy middle ground is what we are talking about here; knowing when to submit and when to assert. For the naturally aggressive personality it might be good to balance the forcefulness with submission. A frequent question to ask would be, “Do I want to be right or do I want to have relationship?”   For the naturally submissive and compliant personality it might be good to balance submission with forcefulness. A frequent question to ask would be, “What do I want and how am I making that known in this relationship?

FORMATING FORGIVENESS  If individuals could apply themselves to pursuing this one thing it could vastly improve personal and relational health. This one thing to pursue is a deep understanding and application of… forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a basis for a life well lived. In order to have a good establishment of life it is good to understand the foundational truths of forgiveness. 8 Truths of Forgiveness: 1. Forgiveness is for me, not the offender This is the reminder that we always have a choice no matter the extent of the pain and hurt that comes from the offense. This choice is empowering and compassionate towards ourself. It is an invitation to grow and expand. It's always an inside job. Start by looking where you may need to forgive yourself or transform and change the expectations you put on yourself and others. Make this a constant daily practice. 2. Forgiveness frees me from the power of the one who hurt or offended me Forgiveness gives the power to set prisoners free, only to find that the prisoner was me.  3. Forgiveness does not mean to forget, ignore or deny the offense The brain is designed to remember to keep us from harm and danger. Emotional pain is processed just like physical pain on a cellular level. Much like we need to know where the lion was that could jump out of the bush and kill us we must remember where the emotional danger is with others in our lives.  The goal isn't to forget, it is to forgive and live freely from what we have learned and continue to learn. Include and transcend -Richard Rohr-  4. Forgiveness does not equal restoration I am not responsible for another's response. If I forgive for the purpose of establishing restoration then it becomes conditional forgiveness. I want an end result. If I forgive just because I forgive and want to be free of any need for retribution that is transformational.  5. Forgiveness does not equal trust There often is a confusion between forgiveness and trust. Just because I forgive doesn't mean I have to trust.  Forgiveness is given; trust is built.  As I think of this it would be like buying an investment property with an old, run down building on it.  In order to make the property a worthy asset there would be two things needed.         Tear down the old building, clear the land and make the lot new again – Forgive         Build up from the old by putting a new building on the reclaimed land that would create value – Trust "Forgive your enemies but never forget their names." -John F. Kennedy- 6. Forgiveness is not an option, it's a state of being We are not the gatekeepers of whether someone is forgiven. Forgiveness is already happening right now, right now and right now. Are you going to accept it or create your own hell? Separation from love. Get in the flow of constant present forgiveness.  Not too long ago I asked someone for forgiveness and she said “I will have to think about it”  Whether she thought about it or not I knew I was free.  7. Forgiveness is humbly accepting that everyone is limited We are all limited, as a matter of fact to be human is to be limited.  At our limits is where we can be acknowledged and given grace. We are all alike in that we all have limitations, shortcomings.  It is about compassion not comparison. It is not about comparison of our limitations so we can feel better in our successes, it is about compassion that we all have limitations and acknowledging that my strength is given so that I can give it to another.  We are all fellow strugglers in the dark trying to find our way home and forgiveness is the flashlight that we pass to each other in the darkness.  8. Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can ever be changed We are to have hope and hope is for the future. The way to have powerful hope for the future is to not waste it on the past; a past that can never be changed.  The word is for-give. Give it forward not give it backward. If I can reconcile my past by bringing it to the present I then have a new ledger to work with for the future. Then if I can bring that new ledger and eliminate debts I have a freedom for today. 

Circle Four - Intentionality These are the actions that we do. This is WHAT we do. Outcome and behavior driven. A secure identity, with a sensitivity to our feelings and the feelings of others, and an acute accurate thinking makes way to beneficial action. - We don't become a new person by changing our behavior, our behavior is evidence of our change and evolution in security, sensitivity and common sense. - Behavior is a very important thing to look at. I often say, “Don't tell me what you believe, tell me what you have been doing.”  - The goal is not to reduce actions but to know ‘the what' behind the action. - Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image. - Our behavior is more honest than our words. - Don't let the worst people we know dictate our behavior. - To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to disempower them  - Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.  - Sometimes poor behavior is simply a bad execution of good intent. 

Authentic Living (Mentality) Part 3 Circle 3 - Mentality (Think) These are the beliefs and stories that we tell ourselves. This is Where we are going. Process driven. Potential Pitfall- Intellectualizing. Quotes on thinking: Rene Descartes, the French philosopher, stated in 1637 - Cogito, ergo sum - “I think therefore I am”.  Probably the most significant quote to push a civilization to the unhealthy extreme of reason being the most important capacity.    “If everyone is thinking alike then no one is thinking.”  Benjamin Franklin "There is no conversation so boring as the one where everyone agrees." "When we like other people agreeing with us we will often not say what we are thinking."  "An opinion should be a result of thought not a substitute for it." "It is the mark of an educated man to entertain thoughts without accepting them." Aristotle Book: Think Again by Adam Grant Book: Clean Up Your Mental Mess by Dr. Carolyn Leaf 5 steps to manage our mind: Gather info (enjoyable or painful emotional/physical experiences) lean into the experience.  Reflect (who, where, what is happening that triggered this) Write (chaos into order and refine) Re-examine (how do I want to respond?) develop how you want to rethink and act in love. Active reach (practice and apply)

Authentic Living (Sensitivity) Part 2 Circle 2 - Sensitivity (Feel)These are the Emotions that reinforce our identity. This is How we feel. What would emotions from the outside-in look like vs. emotions from inside-out look like?  Outside-in: Feeling Angry about our behavior and then thinking we shouldn't do that. Trying to attack the behavior with will-power. It gave us some structure as far as social expectation.  Inside-out: when we feel something, acknowledge and recognize how we are feeling and not the sum of our emotions. Looking to see what information we can learn more about ourselves because we know there is something to learn from our emotions. How to process feelings proactively: Don't Judge our emotions Good or Bad. Just like we don't judge our physical pain. If I touch a stove and it hurts do I get mad at my hand for feeling pain??  Use emotions as data not direction. Bad days give us good data. Express emotions proactively using the acronym NEED: Name what you feel. Recognize and write what you are feeling.  Explain the reason you feel this way through allowing and accepting feelings.  (What caused the feelings to begin with?) Be thorough in examining what has caused the current emotions. When these two steps are accomplished, you are more than halfway there because you are now aware and can do something about your feelings. Examine an attitude or action you can change relating to what you feel.  Once you know the feeling and what caused it, there can be a conscious decision to alter a mood, change a motive or make a move to revise the condition that caused the feeling in the first place. Such a revision can be effective because now we can choose to see circumstances in a different light.  For example, forgiveness can replace resentment simply by a choice. Deal with feelings personally before relationally. Do this through a kind and loving lens. Give expression when we invite others into our vulnerable emotional state.

When our Actions, Beliefs, and Feelings align with our Identity, Life is good! Our goal is to align these attributes. That is authenticity.   In this episode we discuss a paradigm of how to live authentically aligned with our identity. 

In this podcast we discuss suggested questions men have had and continue to have about authenticity.  Here are some of the questions we discussed: Is there such a thing as having different levels of authenticity? Is the authentic self created/invented or discovered? What is the risk of being authentic? What makes overcoming inauthenticity so hard? Is there a correlation between authenticity and success? Why is authenticity so important?

In this podcast we discuss suggested questions men have had and continue to have about authenticity.  Here are some of the questions we discussed: Why is authenticity important for us as members and leaders of AMG? How hard is it to be authentic in our culture? Is authenticity a state we stay in or are we in out of it? Do the stages of life change our authenticity?

In this podcast we discuss questions men have had and continue to have about authenticity.   

Men often struggle with understanding the difference between rest and laziness. We either rest and feel lazy or we are lazy and don't get rest.  Here are some definitions of each: Laziness: the quality of being unwilling to work or use energy; idleness. Rest: to cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength. Laziness is apathetic, just letting whatever happens happen. Here are 3 approaches to rest well: 1. Rest takes work. 2. Rest gives attention to the natural cycles and rhythms of life. 3. Rest Involves Mindfulness. Rest is both intentional diligence and intentional negligence. Diligence is knowing some of the activities that we are going to do when we have down time; things that truly refresh, rejuvenate and recharge us. It would be a good idea to have certain activities ready to go and up and running so that we can just move into them when we get an opportunity. We might suggest 3 to 5 different restful activities that you move to when you have time to do so. Negligence is an important concept to discuss.  Negligence is often considered to be a negative trait for it means there has been failure to take proper care in doing something. That is exactly the thought here. Only what we are saying is not a failure to take proper care, it is actually a success. It is a success to leave office stress at the office, it is a success to leave the email unopened, it is a success to keep the phone in the care while watching your kids weekend games. Planned negligence in this way actually shows you care because you are putting all your attention to the activity (or should we say the inactivity) at hand. Pay attention to sleep cycles, daily cycles, weekly cycles, monthly cycles and yearly cycles.  In order to learn and turn bad days in to good data we must be mindful.  The definition of mindfulness is “a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.”  When we are lazy, our mind is distracted. We're busy trying to avoid our anxiety and stress at work. We just want to shut down our mind. We want to veg out. Our mind cannot observe, because seeing something clearly is precisely what we're trying to avoid. Conclusion.  "In our hurried fast paced culture where busyness is the norm, rest keeps us from being like the rest." “If we are tired, we may learn to rest so we don't quit.”  “Rest. Sleep. Let your spirit have the peace it deserves, let your mind have the dream it desires and let your body have the strength it wants.”

 In this podcast we continue the journey of redefining our success.  We apply the 8 To Be Great model of success by Richard St. John to circles 4-7 of the Circle of Relationship paradigm. 

Redefining Success It is important to define success for ourselves. If we do not, it will be defined for us.  The Construct of Success: Merriam-Webster's definition: the fact of getting or achieving wealth, respect, or fame. the correct or desired result of an attempt. a person or thing that succeeds. Defining childhood upbringing and development of messages we received about success.  It was about being a hero, saving people, having fame and accomplishments, getting good grades. (Athletes, superheroes, scientist/inventor, youtube celebrities) They all had messages attached to them - be the smartest, strongest, best-looking, well-known, have everything you want (more) The message is that success is the opposite of failure, with failure being labeled something negative or unwanted and even impacting the way we view our value as a human being.  Heuristics in our thinking about success. Definition: rule-of-thumb that can be applied to guide decision-making based on a more limited subset of the available information. Example: Hot stove or driving a car We could have a lapse in critical thinking or applying a simple rule that has been marketed or inherited to success being more, wealth or fame.  Masculinity and success - Achievement. Masculinity is often misunderstood as a sort of status that can be constantly earned through success, challenged, policed, and even taken away due to failures.  Men are far more likely to internalize than actually process the emotions that follow failure.  This leads to problems in the long run. When men internalize their failures we call that Shame.  It can be toxic and keep us stuck.  When we process the emotions that are coming up through a perceived failure with close relationships we turn that shame into guilt.  Guilt is constructive and helps us identify where we can grow.     The Deconstruct of Success: In our culture it tends to be about up and to the right; it's about more and better.  Instead we could consider going back  where we came from “into the cave” because we know where everything is and we could help others get out.   If not aware, success can be about the next goal while leaving our past success behind or not maintenanced. We must consider all the circles, especially inner circles, when setting new goals.    The Reconstruct of Success: The Circle of Relationships Paradigm, or way of thinking, is a model that we talk about constantly in AMG.   The key is to live from ‘the inside out, not from the outside in' Success changes with the seasons of life. I just got married three weeks ago.  My success has changed.  Me getting home to my beautiful wife by 6pm is a success I strive for!  Getting to a mountain top is only good for a short period. Revel in the accomplishment.   We don't want to settle there because it is the place of most exposure, it is barren and desolate.   We must define and redefine what success and failure is to us on a regular basis. What do we aspire to and how do we reach it and maintain it? It is also important to understand that success is always a blank canvas, you don't actually get to mark off success from the list of life. Remember, it is in our human nature to reach.  Be the most successful person in the world by comparing yourself to yourself and the things you want. What are the things you want and why? Then find a pro and learn from them, don't compare just learn and apply yourselves with the 8 rules from 8 to be great by Richard St. John.  Success is not a one way street, it's a continuation. Here are 8 things to continuously work on by Richard St. John and his book 8 to be great:  Passion - it excites you and is connected to a strong why (preferably loving self). Work - do the work and find meaningful work. Focus - be intentional and have direction.  Persistence - consistency is crucial.  Ideas - be creative and have an open mindset.  Excellence - get really good at something (Mastery takes 10,000 hours from the book Outliers by Malcome Gladwell). Push - get outside of comforts. - Serve others - keep others in mind to make it meaningful. We must have a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset and remember success changes with the seasons of life. 

Awkward and embarrassing things happen, it is all part of the human experience. How we handle these experiences can impact us greatly.  When you are sitting on the toilet at public restroom and you see a stranger through the crack in the door. When you have someone at your house and they will not leave. When there is confusion between a hug and a handshake. (A hugshake) When you meet someone at the grocery store and should know their name but don't When people you don't really know sing happy birthday to you. When you say “You too” after someone says,”Have a good vacation” and you thought they were going to say, “Have a good day When you have said “What” two times already and still have no idea what the person is saying. When you go to a party and the only person you know goes to the bathroom for what seems like forever. When you are taking your dog for a quick walk and your retired neighbor stops you for a chat. Being human is awkward but we can get good at it.  Just watch a toddler learning to walk. They make a lot of mistakes, take a lot of tumbles, get some bruises but as they practice and learn from their awkwardness they eventually learn to walk and run and skateboard and ski and surfboard and ride a bike and do all manner of things that overcome the awkwardness.   Life is awkward and is filled with embarrassing moments.  What purpose does embarrassment have? Guys suck at embarrassment. How do we get better at it? Dare we be grateful for our embarrassment? Is there such a thing as healthy embarrassment? Embarrassment on its own isn't a massive problem, so don't fear it: understand it. It invites us to humility and modesty. It's always about others, even if they're not there to see us  I want to fit in. Fear of not fitting in. Isolation, not belonging Lone monkey is a dead monkey, helps us be aware of what the tribe norms and needs are.  Its a non-verbal way of building trust.  People who shoshow their embarrassment are deemed to be trustworthy with the converse also being true; people who try to hide their embarrassment  Embarrassment is like Teflon. Nothing sticks then.  We all can relate and it evokes compassion and empathy. “I've been there or had a similar experience. The Progression From Awkward Awkward   > Embarrassment   >  Choice (V or P)  (V)ulnerability, Authenticity, Acceptance & Expression It is what it is and I am who I am. I am good and can make Errors and mistakes OR (P)rotection, Inauthenticity, Denial, Shame   Guilt - I am bad and judge myself Bullying - I want to make someone pay for my embarrassment Narcissists push embarrassment  on someone else Humility is a significant part of our humanity. It is authentic.  It accepts our limits. Humiliation is not accepting our humanity.  It truly is inauthentic. It says we shouldn't have limits.  How to Move From Awkward to Authentic Using The Circle of Relationships Our focus for addressing the awkward is going to be on the inner three circles because it seems that we experience most of our awkward moments around people we don't know or who don't know us very well.  Outer relationships cause awkward moments. Getting together with family you haven't seen Circle #1 - Source Relationship Know that our value is not in what we do but in the character traits we have. We are not the sum of our tangibles, we are the expression of our intangibles.   We have incredible character traits and innate abilities that are just waiting for expression Like the toddler we won't get to experience them if we don't take the steps to give them expression. It will mean that we will fall down, … alot! Realize learning is about laughing.  If we learn to laugh at ourselves we will learn a lot more in life. Let's not take ourselves so seriously. The Inner Circle Relationships #2 - The Intimate Relationship When we are moving in the healthy progression from awkward our select few relationships can be so beneficial. People who express healthy embarrassment are more likely to see them as trustworthy. We tend to view it as a "nonverbal apology," One of key mantras of AMG is that we are “authentic with everyone, vulnerable with a few” Let sex guide us.  Good sex is about turning awkward into the fun and the enjoyable. When we just go with it, intimate expression turns from awkward to adventure, from uneasy to pleasing, from self-conscious to shared ecstasy. There is something wonderful about moving from the mutually awkward to the mutually enjoyable.  When we become authentic and vulnerable and this is the wonderful experience we have. Talk about feelings of embarrassment openly. Again this is the healthy progression from awkward to embarrassment to vulnerability. This is what can be so connecting with our intimate partner.  Emotional vulnerability has a huge part to play in our sexual attachment. As a matter of understanding this is where most women want to have interplay.  When a woman feels emotionally connected she will be much more open to physical connection.  The Inner Circle Relationships #3 - The Select Few Relationship This is what connects #3 relationships. There is mutual vulnerability about the things that may not be easy to share with anyone. This is what we are  constantly practicing in weekly AMG meetings. In groups of no more than six men for 90 minutes a week we talk about life's awkward moments. It is in the confidential and trusted presence of these men we give and receive authenticity and vulnerability. We can give and receive acceptance knowing that we are all fellow strugglers in life and relationship.  Who are your 3-5 people that you practice being awkward with or having healthy embarrassment with Here are some acknowledgments of vulnerability: Vulnerability is neither comfortable nor is it excruciating. Vulnerability gives freedom in knowing that the more shame is talked about the less it exists. In accepting their imperfection men realize they are perfectly acceptable. Being vulnerable allows men to let go of who they think they should be and just be who they really are. Vulnerability is the core of shame and rejection but it is also the birthplace of joy and creativity;   belonging and love. Openness allows a knowing of an ongoing relationship even though the end result is not known. Because of vulnerability there can be a request for intimacy without fear of rejection. Men are finding the only way to evolve is to be open fully to the way they are. Deception and lying allows people to be comfortable but only vulnerability allows for deep          connection. Vulnerability can allow men to change their world instead of protecting themselves from   it. When openness is present the heart gets better. Being vulnerable means being open for wounding but also open for pleasure. It means being open for hurt but also open for healing.  It is not much wonder members of AMG groups are making incredible progress in life, love and intimacy.  The courage of vulnerability is assisting such evolution.           Conclusion The most effective approach to awkward and embarrassing moments is to process them openly in the presence of trusted people. It is vulnerability not protection that sets us free and helps us to enjoy this awkward journey we call life.

Three things we bring to every relationship. Energy Time Resources Energy Definition - The strength and vitality required for sustained physical, emotional or mental activity.   Tailor your life to things that express and create passion. Be aware of obsessions and obligations. Synergy comes from energy. Rest is a big part of creating energy. Ask the question,  ‘Is this energy producing or energy draining?' Every yes is a no to something and every no is a yes to something else. Time By being intentional with our time we can direct the intensity of our relationships. When we set boundaries with our time we honor others and ourselves. Time is a language it is meant to help us with connection. It is not meant to create stress and obligation. (There's never enough time) This is a reflection of our priorities, the amount of time in a day.  Let's talk about our culture's relationship with time: Time is money. What time is it? How much time do we have left? Do you have time for this? Where did the time go? Spending quality time. Time Flys. Time waits for no one. I'm just killing time. Two words for time in the ancient Greek language Chronos - the kind of time measured by a ticking clock or turning the pages on a calendar. It is the time we use as we try to meet deadlines. We cite it in numbers. Kairos -  represents time in the moment that is opportune. It is mystical time that is experienced in festivals and fantasies and cannot be controlled or possessed.   giving everything into that moment and receiving everything it has to offer. It is here we are to be truly present, not rushing toward the next thing.  Are you present in your time.  It is important to determine where we want to be effective and where we want to be efficient. Effective in the inner relationships, efficient in the outer relationships. Every yes is a no and every no is a yes.  Time Budgeting: For awareness of where our time is going we encourage people to look at their time like they look at their budget. A couple of key components we can borrow from a healthy budget are: Know where our time goes. Pay ourselves first. What we do with our discretionary time is crucial. Invest in long term. The key is not spending time, it's investing in it. -Stephen Covey- Everyone has the same amount of time. 1440 minutes every day. And you get another 1440 every day but you have to spend it today.  By being intentional with our time we can direct the intensity of our relationships. When we set boundaries with our time we honor others and ourselves. We can serve time which sounds more like a prison sentence or allow time to serve us. Questions to Ask Self:  Do I know  where my time is going? How much do I pay myself first with my time every week? How am I spending my discretionary time? Who or what am investing in long term? If I were invest my 1440 minutes today, how would I spend them. Resources There are two types of resource, tangible and intangible. Tangible - Money, cars, houses,  Intangible - Personality traits, gifts, temperaments There are three categories of resources Status - Give us value in the appraisal of others Stress - Give pressure for ourselves and from others Service - Give us pleasure for ourselves and to others Explore what it is like to live a life where resources serve to grant pleasure instead of create pressure.  Pleasure for self to be shared for the pleasure of others.  Excess turns all gifts into curses Be present in the purchase.  Ask why? Do my relationships serve my resources or do my resources serve my relationships?

In this podcast we talk about three components of living a could life. 1. Living 2. Loving 3. Leaving Start by asking yourself these questions: How could I live? What is living?  Really living? Not just existing but truly living. What's musing? What's missing? What does it look like to live out of our imagination, not our history? What does it look like to live out of our inspiration, not our obligation? The key is not prioritize our schedule, but to schedule our priorities Ask yourself what really matters and priorities your life by this. Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not on what is essential.  We live with the emphasis on being efficient rather than understanding what efficiency can be good for and where it is limited. “What you believe about your life is what you make true about your life.” -The mountain is You by Brianna Wiess- Be Present! Live  in the present not in the regrets of the past  Live in the present not in the worries of the future. When do you feel most alive? How could I love? The six Greek words of love: 1. Agape - The unconditional love, too will good for another. This love sees past behaviors and loves without expectations.  2. Eros - The love that desires and expresses deeper love through sensuality. Connection through vulnerability, naked and unashamed.  3. Philos - The love between equals or brothers. The love that creates and generates loyalty and dedication. 4. Storge - The love and affection in a family, especially between parents and children. It can be also used for connection of a clan, team or organization. 5. Xenia - The love associated with hospitality. It is rooted in generosity and reciprocity.  6. Philautia - The love of oneself or the regard for one's own happiness or advantage. When healthy it is associated with self-compassion, when unhealthy it is self obsession.  The greatest axiom of Christianity is “Love God, Love Self, Love Neighbor as self” Loving self is the center point, the crux of the matter.  Exercise: Name all of the things you love... Did you name yourself? Loving is messy. When we love we accept who we are. We are all messy, this is part of it. This is by design and meant to keep us alive and engaged. Love at the source will pour into the relationships of life. How could I leave? Practice leaving by sabbath rest and vacation.  Put whole life into something and then leave it.  If we create paradise here we have to leave it, so we might as well practicing leaving it as we go. This is leaving a legacy and creating a heritage. It is living a life that outlasts the years lived. Tr”I”bes - In the middle of the word ‘tribe' is the person “I”.  Not that the tribe revolves around I, but that I make a contribution to the tribe.  When we think in term of plural tribes we tip the balance to change the world The Tamarisk (Tam-U-Risk) Tree in ancient eastern writings was often planted when a covenant agreement was being made. The Tamarisk tree didn't really start to bloom and show maturity until 80 years after it was planted. It would be a reminder to grandchildren of a covenant agreement made three generations before.  Ask yourself, What trees have I planted? How am I make things better for the people that follow me in the generations to come? How am I setting the future generations to go further than I did? Conclusion: Living How could I live? What is living?  Not just existing but truly living. How do we live out of our imagination, not our history? Am I living out of our inspiration or out obligations? Loving How could I love?  How could I love effectively when considering the six Greek words of love? When I make a list of the things that I love do I consider myself and where am I on the list? Leaving a Legacy How could I leave? How am I practicing leaving by sabbath rest and vacations.  How can I make a contribution to the tribe realizing I am in the middle of that? How can I plant a tree that my grandkids can enjoy?

Could is the focus word of the Benevolent State or state. This is where a man turns from the mirror and seeing his goodness to looking out the window to see how he can use his goodness to change and transform others. The word could indicates that someone has the ability to do something. In this stage we are making the proactive proclamation - “I am goodness. I am value.” “I am love.”  Definitions of Benevolence : Kindness, compassion, consideration, thoughtfulness, altruism, generosity, open-handedness. It is in this stage of benevolence we are open to being present for others to give help and assistance. When you hear that you are a good man you can begin to believe it, when you can begin to believe it, you can begin to say it, when you begin to say it, you can begin to act on it and when you begin to act on being a good man you can make good decisions that can change your world and consequently make the world a good place. Acronym for Could: Compassionately Opens Up Loving  Direction Conclusion: Could becomes the expression of my goodness and makes us a conduit of goodness and love. Joy is always going to be in community with others. How open we are for feedback is a good indicator of how we operating in goodness. It is giving without asking for return. It is expression without expectation. Being completely engrossed in our actions and letting go of the results. It is ‘otherish giving’ that takes care of self so we can take care of others. So let's ask ourself, how could we can create change in our sphere of influence every day?

The Second word is “Good” This word good is a good one isn’t it.  Ask the question, “Is it good to be me?” I think this is what makes good such a foundational descriptor for men’s groups. When we say to men “You are a good man” we are actually saying, you are good just the way you are right now and you don’t have to hide from that”. In AMG we make it known they are GOOD and will make good decisions from their goodness.  Some definitions of the word “good” are as follows: to be desired or approved-of.                 having the qualities required for a particular role.                     In AMG we have identified “Good” as the stage of maintenance.  Definition of Maintenance: It is the process of observing and preserving someone or something It is in this stage of maintenance we are open to being exactly as we are. We are accepted for who we are. We acknowledge our goodness in the presence of others.   This is the foundational experience of Authentic Men’s Groups. Once a week for 90 minutes I am in a group of men that accept me for who I am. As I am vulnerable and authentic, I am accepted for my goodness.   This is a pivotal place to be. Centered, Calm and Curious. Learn from Should and invite change from my goodness of who or what I really want.  If I have made some bad decisions or have done some bad things I still am affirmed as a good man. I am in the ranks of “Good Men” who are making choices, some healthy some not so healthy. It is in a safe environment I can explore my choices and get some non-judgmental feedback.  When I hear that I am a good man I can begin to believe it When I believe it I can begin to say “I am a good man” When I begin to say, I Am a good man I begin to act on it. When I begin to act on being a good man, I make good decisions There is a proclamation that accompanies this stage of discovery:  In the first stage we said that the word “should” accompanies stage of discovery we ask the question, “Am I good?” In this second stage we say the word “good” that accompanies the stage of maintenance we are proclaiming, “I am good.” I am valued and worthy of respect! I am accepted and worthy of grace! I am loved and worthy of love!  Healthy men make healthy decisions about healthy relationships.  As we move into the third word, I would like to recite another definition of the word good that will help us transition to the third word: 'Good' means a lack of self-centeredness. It means the ability to empathize with other people, to feel compassion for them, and to on occasion put their needs before your own. It means, if necessary, sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of others'.  If this word is given some contemplation, it can take us into the third word of transformation and that is the word “could”.

When we talk about transformation we are talking about change, evolution, resurrection, revision, metamorphosis. To identify these stages we are going to use three words: Should - Discovery,  Good - Maintenance and Could - Benevolence These three words align with the different stages men are in as they participate in small men’s groups. The First word is “Should” Some definitions of the word should: It is used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions. It is used to indicate what is a probable outcome. These meanings of the word ‘should’ indicate there is emphasis on any time but the present. What I should have done or what I should do.  It puts focus on the past or places a focus on the future. It also has the sense of not being good enough.  There is an emphasis on criticism and guilt that accompanies the word should. This is most often the very struggle that brings men to AMG. Men do not feel good enough because something has gone wrong in life. There is guilt and shame because they should have done something different or there is worry about the future for something they should do something different. In AMG we have identified this part of the process as the stage of discovery.  It is in this stage of discovery we are open to some new direction,  open to different ways of doing things,  different attitudes about life because the way we have been doing it has not been working. It is here we can discover the power of change. It is here we discover the way to do something different. It is here we that we begin our transformation.  There is a question that accompanies this stage of discovery:  “Am I good?” This question is worth exploring. We can listen to the should to make some change but it is not a change of behavior as much as it is a change of thinking. To borrow a religious term it is the word ‘repent’  This is a Greek word metaknoia which means change your mind.   Conclusion: Be aware of the shoulds.  Press into them and discover what are of your life needs attention.

Introduction How effective are resolutions?  Do they work? Statistics tell us that on average between 64-80% of New Year's resolutions are abandoned in the first 3-weeks of committing to the resolution. In this podcast we talk about comparison to others and comparison to ourselves versus compassion for self and compassion for others.  Often New Year’s resolutions can often turn into dissolutions, good intentions can turn into frustrations and aspirations can turn into deflations.   The word resolution if you break it down is re solution - It means I have to come up with another solution because the first solution didn’t work. Time Magazine tells of the Top 10 Failed Resolutions. The top five of these are ones I think we can all relate to…. Lose Weight and Get Fit  Quit Smoking  Learn Something New  Eat Healthier and Diet  Save Money   However, there are pivot times in lives. The New Year can give us a new start. Our birthdays give us a fresh approach. An anniversary can initiate change.   These can be helpful to pause and reflect and then project hope but if we are setting ourselves up for failure, we may want to rethink making resolutions.  If resolutions don’t work, what is the solution? Thesis: If we change our focus from comparison to compassion, we may set ourselves up to live by our commitments as a lifelong expression of our health not just a temporary resolution.      Resolutions find their origin in comparison; transformation finds its way in compassion. There are two ways in which we compare 1. We compare ourselves to others and 2. We compare ourselves to ourselves.  We compare ourselves to others Social media sets us up for this. We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others best posts.  One of the guys in AMG said the social media is “Air B & B” It is the place that people air either their bitching or their bragging. Posts either are complaining about others or congratulating oneself. They are either about being the victim or being the victor.  Illustration - Comparison of finances  People who are making $30,000 were asked how much more would make them happy and they said if they could make $50,000 People who are making $100,000 said $250,000 would make them happy. We compare ourselves to ourselves.   This can be a very cruel process and we can find ourselves really being hard on ourselves. There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt = we have done something bad, shame = we are bad. We compare our present self to ourselves of the glory days of the past or the ideal self of the future.   Resolutions usually are accompanied by the measurement of more. The words ‘more’ and “need to” come into play: How many more pounds do I need to lose if I am dieting? or How many more pounds do I need to add if I am weightlifting? How many more miles do I need to walk or bike to be in better shape? How many more podcasts do I need to listen to be more informed? How many more lessons do I need to take to be really good? How many more times do I need to attend church to be more spiritual? How many more dollars do I need to make to be content?  How many more promotions do I need to have to be successful? How many more pounds, miles, podcasts, lessons, times, dollars, promotions… the list of measurements goes on and on. The word measurement - me assuring myself it meant something We can become hard on ourselves for not being where we once were or for not arriving at the place we could be. Measurement keeps us from being in the present moment with ourselves. It is always about comparing the present to what was or what could be.  We are always comparing another time other than the present Resolutions are based on comparison, either comparison to the success of others or comparing to the vision of our “perfect” selves.  Such resolutions do not work.  So back to the original question, “What is the solution to resolutions?”   The solution is not found in comparison but found in compassion again two types of compassion but in reverse order 1. Compassion for self and 2. Compassion for others. Compassion for Self  We cannot help but compare that is why we need compassion. Compassion doesn’t sound very manly, valiant, macho or ballsy when we first say it but if we really stop and think about the word compassion does stir something deep inside of us. We actually need two types of compassion (present compassion and intentional compassion) If we give ourselves compassion, we will find that we would not be so hard on ourselves If we are kind to ourselves, we will have the kind of life we desire. If we love ourselves, we will find ways to express this love in what we do.  Instead of measuring the results look for ways that are pleasurable expressions. Transform Obligation To Inspiration  Compassion for Others Transform Getting into Giving Just stop for a few seconds here and focus inside on the word ‘compassion’...             (Hesitate for a count of 5)  It stirs something in us doesn’t it. Something inside of me starts to look outward for someone in need.  It is like we are summoning passion. Come passion Transform getting acknowledged into giving acknowledgment to others. We can’t give what we don’t have. If I have compassion for myself, I will have compassion for others. If I love myself and then love others. The key to loving others is to love myself. The key to having compassion for others is to be self-compassionate.  Some would say that this will lead to narcissism. Actually, just the opposite is true because true self compassion and self-love will always overflow into relationships for it cannot be contained. Narcissism is about keeping it all for self. Self-love cannot be contained.  Instead of comparison we realize that we are all fellow strugglers on our own journey.   Conclusion Compassion is not an arrival point. It is a resolution every day.  Commit to this solution by stating: I will make commitments that are not about comparisons to others or to my perfect self. Instead, I will live in compassion and self-love. I will give that compassion and love expression to myself and to others. This is the solution to resolutions. It is not about being more or achieving more. It is about giving expression to who I already am.

Secrets Reflect Our Beliefs About Ourselves “I must hide myself and what I have a tendency to do in the future.” “I must hide myself because of what I did in the past.” Shame and guilt are the core beliefs of what underlies these statements. Guilt says, “I did something wrong” Shame says, “I am  something wrong”                 Both of these core beliefs leave us  powerless in the present. If I flood the present with misgivings about  the past and anxiety about the future I won’t have any energy, time or resource to be in in the present .    Secrets can create Two Types of Misrepresentations in our lives: Conscious manipulation – portrays something better than what or who I really am. Unconscious self-deception – believes what is false for so long that it becomes the truth.  Self-deception creates the desire to deceive others. We have many defense mechanisms we use to self-deceive. To the degree in which we self- deceive is the degree in which we can be deceived. In ancient text there is a saying ,” You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free”.  4 Reasons Why Keeping Secrets Can Damage A Relationship It creates stress. Most people struggle to keep secrets from their partner and suffer from guilt when they do. It makes you tense, as you’re always waiting for them to catch you by stumbling across something that will bring your secret to light. It blocks closeness and intimacy It’ll mean you put a defensive barrier up between the two of you and are always wary of discovery. This is likely to have an impact on your closeness and intimacy and chip away at the foundations of your relationship. It produces mistrust. If you’re keeping secrets from them, what’s to say they aren’t doing the same thing? At least, that’s what you’ll be thinking. You might start to wonder what they might be hiding from you, too, which can lead to mistrust and paranoia. It can cause terminal damage.  The more time passes, the harder it becomes to come clean. If you keep putting off telling your partner a big secret, it’ll only get bigger and bigger, until revealing it could do terminal damage to the relationship. The longer you wait, the harder it is to be honest about it. After all, if the secret’s difficult to hear, it’ll be even worse if, on top of that, they discover you’ve been keeping something from them for an extended period of time. Questions For Keeping a Secret: Is the person you are keeping the secret from likely to discover it anyway.  If you are just prolonging the outcome be upfront with it. Can I live with the secret?   Is this secret going to cause negative effects to my holistic health?      Someone has said, “We don’t have secrets, our secrets have us.”  Am I rationalizing?   When we rationalize we tell ourselves rational lies. Don’t dilute poison and call it poise. Am I saying I am protecting someone from the truth when in actuality all am I doing is not acknowledging my shame and guilt openly?   “Lies can be the sturdiest walls that we humans erect within and around ourselves, thereby keeping ourselves trapped and wrapped in a wide range of limitations.” How To Address Secrets To Live in the Freedom of Truthfulness and Authenticity Know yourself. Use tools like the Enneagram or other personality assessments. Know your propensities to self-deceive so you know how to be authentic. Awareness is a big part of your health. Don’t keep your true self on the shelf. This is being honest to yourself and your Higher Power in the #1 circle of the Circle of Relationships Know your close relationships and allow them to really know you.  Have non-judging, gracious close relationships that know you for who you really are.  In order to have such friends be one.  Don’t isolate – Do intimate.  Don’t disconnect - Do reconnect.    In the presence of close, intimate, accepting relationships we find freedom Sharing openly brings closure to shame and guilt  This being honest to yourself and others in the #2 and #3 circles in the Circle of Relationships Find safe places where you can share with the confidence of confidentiality. Use the services of trained professionals and confidantes. Professional counselors or life coaches or pastors. Find or establish an AMG group where you can be authentic and real. Get real so you can get what you really want.  This is being honest to yourself in the #4 circles in the Circle of Relationships. Express your authentic self in what you do and how you do it Let the people you know on the peripheries of your life see your authenticity. Again the axiom of AMG “ Be authentic with everyone and vulnerable to a few.” Purchase things to be an expression of your identity not something that you get identity from. This is being honest to yourself in the outer relationships (#5,6,7) circles of the Circle of Relationships   Conclusion: How To Address Secrets To Live in the Freedom: Know yourself Know your close relationships and allow them to really know you.  Find safe places where you can share with the confidence of confidentiality. Express your authentic self in what you do and how you do it Questions For Keeping a Secret: Is the person you are keeping the secret from likely to discover it anyway? Can I live with the secret?   Am I rationalizing?  

Introduction When I think of the topic of secrets it is an essential focus of Authentic Men’s Groups. One of the axioms of AMG is that ‘we have no secret that we have not told someone’. Another truth we live by is to be ‘authentic to everyone and vulnerable (completely open) to a select few’.  It has been stated that “the secret sauce of Authentic Men’s Groups is that we have no secrets”. We discuss secrets in AMG in two key ways: In each group we create and value confidentiality which helps to foster vulnerability where secrets can be shared. Whatever is said in an AMG group stays in the group.  We bring our secretive and hidden things out into the open in group. We believe that openly dealing with secrecy is a large contributor to men living in the freedom of authenticity.  Context of AMG Secrets Guys in group have disclosed in our context of AMG over the years: - Secrets about being sexually abused, secrets about pornography and affairs - Secrets about addictions to alcohol and drugs, secrets about cheating on financial records, secret fantasies. - Secrets about wanting to end life, deep depression and anxiety, and having children that no one knows about.  Dale Larson in a meta analysis done through Santa Clara University that secretive people are more depressive, anxious, sensitive to judgment and vulnerable to illness. A litany of studies now link physical ailments such as headaches, nausea, back pain, hypertension, flu and even cancer to the keeping of secrets. Secrets appear to give us a shroud of protection but instead end up giving us a cloud of dejection.  The Range of Lies  - White Lies – “O, yeah I read that book” (when I haven’t) - Grave Lies – Lies we will take to the grave (such as shameful abuse and deep hurts) In the gray area between those two extremes of lying is where we live most of our daily lives, with the  little, supposedly harmless untruths. All lies create the conflicted cast of characters within us, that each express their truth differently with different people. The 3 P’s of Authenticity Be authentic in: Public life – outer circles of the circle of relationships (Secrets here are necessary) Personal life – the inner relational circle of relationships (Secrets can be good, i.e., Surprises) Private life – the #1 circle of the circle of relationships. (evolving health, spirituality and contemplations)  Authenticity is active if we are the same person in all three.  Again the core axiom of AMG fits well here:  Be authentic with everyone, vulnerable with a few. Conclusion: Do you have any secrets that only you know? Look to address these in a healthy way by sharing with a significant other, best-friend or a counselor or coach. 

The Negative Relationships Error Friends           Examples: Wife had an affair with best friend. People that have gone through divorce. Not being supported by best friend when going through transition with my wife. These were friends that turned out and then turned on us.  They went from close to far (from inner circles #3 and #4 relationships to outer circles #5 and #6 relationships).          I trusted them and they proved themselves unworthy of the trust.  The shared vulnerability was negligible at best, negative at worst. The Benefit of such Friendships They Helps me understand and Being Real  If I don’t risk something I don’t gain anything or anything I do gain I don’t appreciate. If we never make ourselves vulnerable we will never find love.  Love is vulnerability.  Those relationships that have hurt us but have caused us to heal with scars of reminder. They Helps Me Identify the Real Deal The mistaken trust became a place where I could recognize faithful trust. I can recognize what real trust is. Although our friendship failed it contributed to the understanding of successful relationships. It led to corrective connection. Mistakes in my life have made major contributions. As a matter of fact, trying things and failing have been the making of the most beneficial and secure things of my life.  Error friendship have helped me to identify the truth about meaningful relationship.  The Positive Relationships Era In Life Friends Examples: Friends for different eras of my life. Elementary school High school College Business Milestones in life Eternal causes didn’t prove to be lasting friendships. Most of these people if not all I could be in contact with today and we would pick up where we left off, reminisce, and still be united in our spirit but we are not connected in our involvement. We would have considered ourselves close #4 relationships if not even #3 relationships then.  Now we are #6 peripheral relationships. There is grief in knowing this is happening and will happen.  Era For Life Friends Examples: Select few people that we have shared a big part of our life with. They have been there as we have gone through the many transitions of life. We have had lasting involvement in the good and bad and everything in between. We do pick up where we left off. We take the initiative to keep in touch often or from time to time. It takes two-way investment of energy, time and resources. Era Beyond Life Friends  Examples: Connecting in spirit.  Connecting for eternity whatever that might be. We, by being in association, find the better world that others who have lived out truth have left for us. We, by being in association, leave the world better than we found it by living out the truth that we have found. We realize the life that we live is much longer than the years that we live together.

The Sex Connect Introduction Sex is more than hooking up… or is it?  If we are meaning connection when we use the phrase “hooking up” then this may be exactly what sex is all about. The word connection is defined as “a relationship in which a person, thing or idea is linked or associated with something else” If we can link our associations together so that our sexuality is giving expression in the whole context of life perhaps we would not see our libido as something separate but something very holistic.  Connectedness is the main thing, it is about the connection not the erection.  The Circle of Relationships is a fundamental paradigm for AMG.  It presents a way to live our lives from the inside out by putting a focus on the essential relationships and then moving toward the urgent relationships of life.  When we talk about intimacy and connectedness we are talking about the inner relationships, those that are most authentic and vulnerable, the three inner circles. If we are going to have a healthy sexual relationship it is going to take place by: Hooking up (connecting with integrity) to focused understanding of self Hooking up (connecting with intimacy) in a focused sexual relationship Hooking up (connecting with vulnerably) with a focused select few.  The Integrity Relationship  A good way to describe integrity is by its opposite: disintegration. Whenever something disintegrates, it falls to pieces. This is exactly what our lives do if we do not live in integrity. Our lives become a bunch of unconnected pieces rather than the complete whole. When such is the case, our personal relationships are called to accommodate our lack of truthfulness and live out the guise of having it all together. Sex becomes as disconnected as all the other parts of our lives. We give the message to our intimate relationships, either directly or subtly, that if we are to keep our present level of comfort, no one can know who we really are or how we really function.  Integrity begins with I. We need to have an eye on the I.  The mirror is a great analogy here. When we get up in the morning and look at our disheveled selves, we don’t go back to bed because our physical appearance isn’t up to par. Instead, we start with where we are, accept that, make some adjustments and move to our day. This is the way we can live in integrity. Know that we are totally acceptable where we are, but respect ourselves enough not to stay there. Instead, make some incremental changes and move on with our lives. We have a tendency to be different people in our private, personal and public personas.  To some extent this is healthy because when going to a nice restaurant with family, we want to polish up our manners.  It’s a little different than sitting around in the backyard with family and friends.   Being comfortable with people in personal settings as a manner of interaction is healthy. Concealing who we really are to the people in the public or personal forums is not. We want to be vulnerable with our close relationships but authentic in all of our relationships.  Integrity is where true intimacy starts with the sexual partner. If two people are confident in their identity as individuals, then they will be confident in how they express this sexually. If wholeness and honesty are present in all aspects of the private life, then what is done in private will be exposed, erotic and exciting?                The Intimate Sexual Relationship             Sex is an expression of confidence. This confidence comes from integrity.  If I am a person of integrity than I am a partner of integrity. If I love myself I will express myself in love. This confidence is in me for who I am and not my performance. It is confidence in my wife for who she is and not her performance.  Sex becomes the perfect expression of acceptance between two imperfect beings.  Sex becomes an expression of mutual integrity. Sex is an expression of truth and openness.  The best thing we can give our sexual partner is knowledge that there are no secrets, no lies and no deceptions. It can be freeing to make eye contact with a significant other, whether it is across the table in a restaurant or while we are making love , communicating there is nothing wrong between us.  It is total honesty. It is being naked and not ashamed. It is being connected and not fearful.                        Sex is an expression of playfulness. Making love finds its origins in play. This playfulness comes from vulnerability and confidence. Two partners who have become comfortable with vulnerability and confidence initiate fun sex. We cannot work at creating better lovemaking; we have to play at it.  Playing has a way of connecting. Gentle teasing, shared games, and mutual laughing can be bonding experiences. Even sexual mistakes can create playful memories. So often in making love, partners do things that are silly or embarrassing. As playful companions, we can laugh rather than be awkward.  We each have childlike playfulness that is longing to be expressed. Fun sex is great sex. The intimate relationship I have with my wife is really the middle ground of the relationship I have with the inner integrity relationship and the vulnerable nonsexual relationships I have in my life.                       The Vulnerable Nonsexual Relationships A key contributor to experiencing deep sexual connection is in having vulnerable but non sexual closely connected relationships; deep friendships.    It has been said, “A good friend is one who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is one who is sitting beside you in jail.” My wife is my absolute best friend (even though she hasn’t had to do the jail thing). I have found that one of the most beneficial things I can give my marriage is to have deep, open relationships with other buddies, good male associations.  I find that because my wife and I share so much already, it is good to have other perspectives from a real good male counterpart. Having close friends to share vulnerable things with is a struggle for most men and is one of the fundamental reasons I have helped form an organization called Authentic Men’s Group. In these groups men practice and form friendships of intense vulnerability, talking openly about things previously closed off.  In counseling many relationships that I work with have undo stress because there is no person other than the spouse who is being shared with at a deep level. This can actually be a disservice to the marriage.                          In talking about this we have come up with 5 Benefits that come from having vulnerable friendships: Practicing vulnerability with a nonsexual partner will give a deeper understanding of the uniqueness of intimacy with the sexual partner. Sharing of a burden with a trusted nonsexual friend will lighten the burden personally and take the burden off the spouse to be the sole helper with the struggle.  Illustration: It creates a building with a load bearing wall that has too much weight on it. Talking to someone of the same gender about what is being experienced often creates a sense of not being the only one who is experiencing the challenge. Learning to trust an intimate nonsexual partner will ultimately help in trusting ourselves and trusting the spouse. Building support relationships with nonsexual intimate partners in the present will create reinforcement in the future if there is a loss of the sexual partner.   Making deposits into friendship accounts will allow withdrawals from these accounts when needed. An investment in a deep friendship outside the marriage is an investment in deep intimacy inside the marriage.  As we were thinking of some thoughts for this podcast on intimacy I thought back to a time about 5 years ago when my best friend was in a battle with leukemia. Our friendship goes back to the 1980s where we got to know each other at a small, private community college. As he struggled to win his battle, we also  struggled for vulnerable connections. In these vulnerable times I was so thankful for the deep investments of time, energy and resources over the years. We found ourselves pulling from those deposits and finding our connection  even closer. We went through this together. Our connectedness in such vulnerable times opened my wife and I up for some deep and meaningful conversations about life. These dialogues have continued to contribute to our intimacy in that we do not take each other for granted because of this reminder of our mortality.  Conclusion Once aware of the three levels of connection  that contribute to great sex there is also an awareness that sex is not the main thing.  Connectedness is the main thing.  When we experience connection with ourselves through integrity and with close friendship through vulnerability we can experience depth of connection in our sexuality. 

Vulnerability Does Not Bite Introduction Definition of vulnerability: The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. With this definition who would want to be vulnerable? Why are we doing this thing if this what the definition is? Vulnerability may seem scary and if not done intentionally it can be!  Vulnerability done intentionally can be so rewarding.   Vulnerability in spirituality is an expression of faith.  Vulnerability in relationships is an expression of love. Vulnerability in your career is an expression of  passion and purpose. However, vulnerability and shame can be synonymous for guys. If we fight or fear vulnerability it leads to shame.  Letting go of control allows true control of now. When we don’t engage in our own personal vulnerability we are suffering from depth deprivation. A shallow relationship with yourself and your close relationships leads to a lack of fulfillment and even mental illness. Circle of Relationships- Authentic with everyone, vulnerable with a few. What we have learned about vulnerability? 1. Vulnerability can only be present in the present Vulnerability can only be present in the present. (Emotional agility, experience the experience) Vulnerability is often talked about in the past. Stories of vulnerability that we recall are good as a frame of reference but their major purpose be to remind me of how important it is to be vulnerable today. When I was a kid I was raised in a church environment that was big on testimonies. People known as evangelists (spreaders of good news) made their living going around telling about the the times in their lives when they became powerless ended up in dire circumstances, realized that they needed to surrender to something or someone different and it changed their lives. They went on to live in those past stories of vulnerability. Most of the past incidents were because of forced vulnerability. In this we become powerless or out of control. This is reactive vulnerability, often in our Sexuality with men.  Today I have the opportunity to be vulnerable as a choice or by being proactive.  Again I can only be so in my deepest and most connected relationships. I make the choice to be open, transparent and without secrets to someone or a select few people in my life. 2.  What we are learning about vulnerability:  Transparency is key - When men allow themselves the freedom of openness they find that this neither comfortable nor excruciating.  Men are finding that the more they talk about shame the less they have of it.  Men realize that things that made them vulnerable in the past now make them strong to face the future. It has been incredible to see  how such transparency terminates shame. Illustration: If I am keeping a password on my phone so my wife cannot have access to it I am not practicing vulnerability.   If you get too close to the Fire to Quick you will burn to death. If you get too far away from the fire you will freeze to death.   3. What we are learning about vulnerability:   Courage is evident -  Men in Authentic Men’s Groups have the courage to acknowledge imperfection and to talk about it. They are willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they are. Such men have the willingness to give themselves to something or someone without guarantee.  They have the ability to invest in relationships even if they may not work out. We practice vulnerability to be authentic to who we are not to get a response from others.  We are not responsible for their response only how we present ourselves.      4.  What we are learning about vulnerability: Connectedness is wanted. Men are realizing that the core to connection is openness. This openness, when practiced in a safe group of fellow strugglers, allows movement to real relationships having realistic expectations and expression of our true self. This is happening through the connectedness that comes from being vulnerable with a few. Men are finding that accountability is the byproduct of authenticity and vulnerability. Authenticability trumps accountability every time. It’s proactive not reactive.  One of the concepts of AMG is that we be authentic with everyone and vulnerable with a few. At whatever depth the relationship is that is as much as I can be vulnerable. 5.  What we are learning about vulnerability: Compassion is experienced. When we find the compassion to be kind to themselves first they then can be kind to others. Men are considering themselves to be good. Men are learning to practice empathy and consideration knowing the help that comes when they have received it. Can’t give away what we don’t have.  Authentic Call to Action: Find a place or a friend where I can be vulnerable on a regular basis. Practice vulnerability with trusted relationships.  Conclusion When a safe and trusted environment is established men find that 1. Present, Transparent, Courageous, Connected and Compassionate serve them well and consequently serves their deepest and most connected associations along with all of the other of their Circle of Relationships.  All of the research and development is paying off as we see men experiencing freedom, connectedness and intimacy in their lives.

Father’s 3 Virtues Introduction Here are some quotes about fathers made in AMG sessions: I never heard my dad tell me he loved me, ever. When I had a dream or a vision I had it dashed by my father. I began to measure up to my Dad when I made more money than he did. I don’t ever remember my dad and mother hugging. My dad only showed one emotion and that was anger.        There is a deep longing in all of us to connect with our fathers. Robert McGee in his book Father Hunger said it well: “What better word than hunger can describe the sensation of wanting a father’s love. Indeed, the desire goes beyond mere want. It is truly a need.  We don’t just want our fathers to love us; we need them to love us.  This kind of emotional hunger acts in many ways just like physical hunger… Such hunger is a drive that must be met…” The 3 V Approach  (Virtues, Values & Vulnerability)              With all of the cultural and societal change the challenges of parenting can be overwhelming.  What does effective fathering look like today? Where does one find the answer to all of the alterations that have taken place in recent times? The answer comes back to history; long history, as in ancient history. The most enlightening directives for modern-day fatherhood come from that which is most enduring; the virtues, the values and the vulnerability demonstrated by those who went before us. Virtues – Explaining and exemplifying positive virtues has a permanent impact no matter what the culture. Affirmative qualities like honesty, diligence, service, trust, forgiveness, honor, and respect; to name a few. The proclaiming and demonstrating the goodness of a life well-lived is something that fathers can give that will create the bedrock for the generations to follow.             Demonstrating a virtuous life encompasses five components of holistic health: Social Goodness: To display to our children the value of being a good citizen provides security for them. Showing them how to look for the good in others and ways to do good for others is a foundation that will provide grounding for our kids. Physical Health: To show our kids the importance of being healthful will prove to helpful to their holistic development and will give them stability. Being strong and healthy for the purpose of interacting and protecting those who are dear to us is a good example for those who follow us.  Intellectual Vigor: To let our kids know by showing them the importance of using our mind in a way that it is not shaped by others will provide a good basis for them. Demonstrating the adventure of finding out new things along with the learning and passing down of ancient truth will facilitate the endurance of intellectual health.   Emotional Freedom: Learning to express our emotions in healthy and constructive ways and leaving will grant a great heritage.  Ending the message of ‘big boys don’t cry’ and replacing it with the communication that sensitivity to self and others is a good way to live now and in the future. To demonstrate to our kids the power of such emotions as peace and joy will give stability as will demonstrating support in the expression of their negative emotions.       Spiritual Well Being: To solicit the power of the human spirit by being in touch with The Divine will give great grounding to our kids. The teaching of the structures and standards of religious practice in their formative years is good practice. When they have the container of religion to hold truth when they are young they can learn to overflow the container with relationships when they are adults. Embracing inclusive and expansive spiritual practices is good stability for our descendants and the culture in which they will live.  Values – To know our value and show our kids theirs is a good way to create stability in the midst of changing times. This value places the character above performance.  Letting our kids know of the positive character traits they possess invites them to apply these beneficial mannerisms to anything they set out to accomplish. As they know their core value they will know core values. The personal value expressed will provide corporate value experienced in both family life and society. The best way to teach those close to us their value is to know our own. We can’t teach what we don’t know. By knowing our positive character traits, strengths, and gifts we can help others identify their positive attributes.  Vulnerability – The humility of vulnerability gives stability.  To be authentic and real is another way to demonstrate grounded-ness in the culture of change. It is important to show our essential truth demonstrated in everyday life. This shows up by being authentic with everyone and vulnerable with a select few. We not only tell the truth but also live the truth as we see it. We have no secrets. It means being open, honest, and transparent. It encompasses an apology when we make mistakes and deferring honor to those who have helped us when we have success. It means admitting our weakness and celebrating our strength in the presence of those who make it safe to do so. It means being real and letting our realness be demonstrated in the here and now.             Big changes in our culture can be best addressed by little applications in our day-to-day lives. As we consistently live a healthy and holistic life before our children and grandchildren we can influence their stability and the stability of the world they will live in.  Take a 3 V Approach 1. Virtues 2. Values 3. Vulnerability

Rethinking Masculinity General Outline: Why toxic masculine norms need to be challenged and masculinity redefined. What are toxic masculine norms How AMG is challenging toxic masculine norms and redefining masculinity​. Why Toxic Masculine Norms need to be challenged and Masculinity redefined. There are multiple movements going on right now seeking much-needed equality from racial, feminists, and LQBTQ communities as well as many others. These movements are not exclusive to men. I dare say that as a society when we rethink what it means to be a man and challenge ingrained toxic masculine norms, huge strides will be made in these movements. This is not saying that men are the sole problem... so please do not misunderstand the point I am trying to introduce. I think healthy men and women are the solutions to the equality problem! And women are much more likely to seek health than men. I think the views that we as human beings hold towards masculinity are a big part of the problem. Author and advocate Liz Plank sums it up well when she writes, “... there is no greater threat to humankind than our current definition of masculinity.” With statistics showing that 80%% of suicides are male and 67.5% of the homeless population are male, I can’t help but see a huge need for men to have a place to be authentic. A place to ask for help without being shamed. What are Toxic Masculine Norms We as men and boys are socialized into conforming to a definition of masculinity that encourages being tough, showing no emotions outside of anger, and to be reliant solely on ourselves. Basically Toxic Masculine Norms are any definitions that we hold about what it means to be a man that keeps us from being authentic. If a boy hears the toxic masculine norm that “men don’t cry” enough times, they will likely hide their inevitable emotional problems as men when they grow up. These toxic beliefs leave most men emotionally stunted and aggressive. Another example is in how we treat teenagers. Toxic masculine norms tell us that it is a sign of masculinity if a son is wild in high school and has sex with multiple girls. We would stereotypically say “boys will be boys”. But in reverse, if a daughter is that way she is quickly labeled as a whore or loose. As fathers, we may tell our son that he is just like his old man and laugh. But if our daughter were to come home bragging about the same thing we are reaching for the gun to find the boys responsible. These toxic masculine norms not only hurt men but the ones we love too. Our partners... our kids... Society at large. How AMG is challenging Toxic Masculine Norms and redefining masculinity We want to have some honest and authentic conversation around what it means to be a man if we are to challenge these toxic masculine norms. AMG is where this is happening. AMG is a place where men can practice authenticity rather than being stoic and emotionless. We get to practice empathy rather than aggression or passiveness. And the best news is you won’t lose your “man card” if you do. Conclusion Society subtly teaches men toxic masculine norms that leave men hiding their emotions, going at life alone, and ultimately living a less fulfilled life. It is not only affecting men but the ones we love and society at large. If you are a man, get with a safe group of other men where there can be an authentic discussion about these toxic masculine norms and how you are defining masculinity. If you are a woman listening to this podcast, first off thank you for listening and caring about the health of men! I want to encourage you to challenge toxic masculine norms when you hear them. ● Do you know of someone that is hurting or living a less than fulfilled life because they are trying to live up to a toxic and unrealistic definition of masculinity? ● What are some of the toxic masculine norms that you have heard? ● Have you ever had an authentic conversation with another man about what it means to be a man? Was it a healthy definition or did it have toxic masculine norms?

Men are hiding in one of two places, they are either hiding from success or hiding in success.  Most men hide from success by just staying away from it and flying below radar. In this way their failures or perceived failures will never be seen. The other type of hider, are the men that hide in their success. These men though fewer in number have a far more elaborate way of hiding.  They achieve more, accomplish more and collect more than their average male counterpart but still have the same problem. Despite being high achievers and even experts in their field these men can’t seem to get beyond the feeling that if they were really found out they would be considered imposters.  They feel like frauds. They are highly capable males being plagued by nagging self- doubt.           The insecurities of achieving men are often reinforced in their close relationships.  They experience this when their wives or children treat them with disrespect. Despite the external evidence of their competence, these successful men remain convinced that they do not deserve success.  For these high achievers here are some suggestions: 5 Ways To Authentically Embrace Our Failures Move beyond personal and relational failures recognizing them as just steps to personal and relational success. Talk about shame openly. The more you talk about shame the less you have it. Know yourself to be good and live that out. Acknowledge your personal value above your performance. Describe yourself by your character traits not by your accomplishments. Develop and use a trusted support group.          Men are finding their true value through AMG groups.  Here they acknowledge that they may be imperfect but they don’t have to live as imposters. By acknowledging their personal shame but more importantly their personal value they are living with authentic success in life and relationship.