Podcasts about loving bravely

In this conversation, Nina and Dr. Alexandra Solomon explore the nuanced differences between secrecy and privacy in relationships, emphasizing the importance of trust and communication. They discuss how technology has changed relationship dynamics, the impact of childhood experiences on adult behavior, and the necessity of understanding emotional needs in partnerships. The dialogue highlights the significance of approaching sensitive topics with curiosity rather than accusation, fostering a deeper connection between partners. In this conversation, Nina and Dr. Alexandra explore the complexities of vulnerability in relationships, the importance of understanding boundaries and privacy, and how healthy privacy can enhance intimacy. They discuss the significance of emotional safety and the need for couples to invest in connection and fun to maintain a strong relationship. The dialogue emphasizes self-awareness and the impact of past experiences on current relationships, providing insights into navigating challenges and fostering growth.00:00: Understanding Secrecy vs. Privacy in Relationships02:56: The Evolution of Relationship Dynamics06:00: The Impact of Technology on Trust08:56: Navigating Privacy and Secrecy11:55: Childhood Influences on Relationship Behavior15:11: Effective Communication in Relationships19:45: Navigating Vulnerability in Relationships24:43: Understanding Boundaries and Privacy28:31: The Role of Healthy Privacy in Intimacy35:55: Investing in Connection and Fun in RelationshipsAlexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is internationally recognized as one of today's most trustedvoices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness hasreached millions of people around the globe. A couple therapist, speaker, author, professor,podcast host, and media personality, Dr. Alexandra is passionate about translating cutting-edgeresearch and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity,and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor toacademic journals and research, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular and vibrant Instagram page, which has garnered over 200Kfollowers. She is an adjunct professor in the School of Education and Social Policy atNorthwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice. Her hitpodcast, Reimagining Love, has reached listeners across the globe and features high-profileguests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning authorof Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships YouWant, Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want,and Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal,Grow, and Thrive. You can visit her online at https://dralexandrasolomon.com/ and on Instagramat @dr.alexandra.solomon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you've finally left a toxic marriage and your kids, especially adult kids, have spent years steeped in that same environment, the guilt can be crushing. You wonder: How do I help them heal? How do I set them up for success when I feel like I already failed them? Dr. Alexandra Solomon is back, and we're getting into the deep stuff: parenting through regret, healing alongside our kids, and what it means to let our children hold their truth, even when it wrecks us a little. And, when you've walked through fire and come out whole, you get to show your kids that love can look like mutual adoration, and that being single is better than being stuck. Here are some truths you'll hear: Your healing is the best gift you can give your child. Witnessing their pain doesn't mean narrating their story. You're allowed to screw up, and still be a good parent. This one's for every mother who wonders if it's too late to get it right. It's not. Here's what else we discuss in this episode: Why witnessing your child's pain is step one to their healing (7:25) How healing ourselves supports our kids more than trying to fix them (9:37) Why modeling a healthy post-divorce relationship can be life-changing (22:49) The danger of “I don't want my kid to make the same mistakes I did” (35:44) How to have emotionally safe relationship talks with your kids (39:59) Learn more about Dr. Alexandra Solomon, PhD: Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular Instagram page, which has garnered over 200K followers. She is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, reaches tens of thousands of listeners across the globe each week and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of two books: Taking Sexy Back and Loving Bravely, which was featured on the TODAY show. Resources & Links: Thank you to today's podcast sponsor: Wild Pastures Submit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodesFocused Strategy Sessions with Kate  Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Alexandra's websiteIntimate Relationships 101Reimagining Love Podcast Alexandra on Instagram Alexandra on FacebookMasterclass Anxiety Toolkit =================== DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. Episode Link:  https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-323-parenting-through-regret-and-repair-with-dr-alexandra-solomon/  

Today, we are excited to share Dr. Alexandra's recent interview on the Signal Award-winning podcast No Small Endeavor. Produced by PRX and Great Feeling Studios, the podcast explores what it means to live a good life with the help of courageous and impassioned guests like renowned happiness expert Gretchen Rubin, Hidden Brain podcast host Shankar Vedantam, and New York Times bestselling author Malcolm Gladwell.In this specific episode, host and theologian Lee C. Camp and Dr. Solomon discuss insights from her book, "Loving Bravely,” as well as the secrets to thriving intimacy, mastering the art of apology, and staying truly present with your partner. Not to mention she shares practical tools for navigating the inevitable challenges of long-term love.  Listen to more episodes of No Small Endeavor here: https://lnk.to/D28Fv3

396. Can You Change Your Partner? With Dr. Alexandra Solomon   Renowned relationship expert, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, joins to explore a common dilemma in relationships: determining when to accept a partner's behavior and when to advocate for change – and what role you typically play in this dynamic. -How to become a real-life power couple -Whether you're the changer or accepter role in your relationship -How your childhood could be playing out in your relationship -The importance of understanding your role in relationship dynamics Resources from Dr. Solomon for the Pod Square related to our conversations: dralexandrasolomon.com/hardthings. Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A licensed clinical psychologist in private practice, couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Alexandra is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is the host of the Reimagining Love Podcast and author of Love Every Day, Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want and Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Patreon/Supercast Special Release - Taking Sexy Back: A Journey to Empowerment with Dr. Alexandra Solomon This is a sneak peek of our episode with Dr. Alexandra Soloman - available only on our Premium Supercast and Patreon platforms. For as little as $5/month you can have access to special releases like this one, first-to-know about upcoming events and discounts and an ad-free feed. Click here to join & finish the episode!! Dr. Ann Kelley and Dr. Alexandra Solomon discuss her book 'Taking Sexy Back,' exploring the intersection of gender and sexuality, the impact of societal messages on women's sexual experiences, and the importance of self-advocacy in relationships. They dive into the complexities of desire, body image, and the influence of patriarchy on both men and women - emphasizing the need for emotional awareness and connection in intimate relationships. Explore the evolving landscape of sexuality across generations and the impact of online dating and pornography on sexual experiences. "We are taught to serve, to focus on others, but we need to notice our own feelings." - Dr. Alexandra Solomon Time Stamps for Taking Sexy Back: A Journey to Empowerment with Dr. Alexandra Solomon (261) 02:47 The intersection of gender and sexuality 11:52 Impact of body image on desire 14:52 Patriarchy's influence on men and women 17:55 Emotional complexity in masculinity 28:05 The impact of pornography on sexual experiences 36:45 Embodiment and mindfulness in sexuality 41:50 Exploring pleasure and connection in relationships About our Guest - Dr. Alexandra Solomon Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A couple therapist, speaker, author, professor, podcast host, and media personality, Dr. Alexandra is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals and research, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular and vibrant Instagram page, which has garnered over 200K followers. She is an adjunct professor in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, has reached listeners across the globe and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want, Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, and Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow, and Thrive. Find Upcoming Events here!! Special Featured event: Ann and Sue are deep diving into clinical application of their work at the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium - March 20-23, 2025. It's an incredible conference - they'd love to see you there! Rethinking Attachment – Using the Attachment Spectrum in Clinical Practice    Our Beyond Attachment Styles course is available NOW! Learn how your nervous system, your mind, and your relationships work together in a fascinating dance, shaping who you are and how you connect with others. Earn 6 Continuing Education Credits – Available at Checkout Online, Self-Paced, Asynchronous Learning with Quarterly Live Q&A's   Integrative Attachment Therapy Course Information Therapists: THIS is our recommended course experience for the most comprehensive training on attachment out there. Use our link for a discount! Thanks for stopping by & for being on this journey with us! 

This is our unabridged interview with Alexandra Solomon. Is your love life in need of a tune-up?  Just in time for Valentine's Day, renowned relationship expert Dr. Alexandra Solomon joins us to share powerful insights from her book, "Loving Bravely."  Discover how self-awareness and understanding your past can dramatically improve your present relationships.  Dr. Solomon unpacks the secrets to thriving intimacy, from mastering the art of apology to staying truly present with your partner.  Plus, get practical tools for navigating the inevitable challenges of long-term love.  Tune in for this insightful conversation that will empower you to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Show Notes Resources mentioned this episode: Reimagining Love Podcast “Loving Bravely” by Alexandra Solomon Similar NSE episodes: Kristin Neff: The Power of Self-Compassion Heather Holleman: The Art of Conversation Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness PDF of Lee's Interview Notes Transcript of Abridged Interview Want more NSE? JOIN NSE+ Today! Our subscriber only community with bonus episodes designed specifically to help you live a good life, ad-free listening, and discounts on live shows Subscribe to episodes: Apple | Spotify | Amazon | Google | YouTubeFollow Us: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | YouTubeFollow Lee: Instagram | TwitterJoin our Email List: nosmallendeavor.com See Privacy Policy: Privacy Policy Amazon Affiliate Disclosure: Tokens Media, LLC is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Is your love life in need of a tune-up?  Just in time for Valentine's Day, renowned relationship expert Dr. Alexandra Solomon joins us to share powerful insights from her book, "Loving Bravely."  Discover how self-awareness and understanding your past can dramatically improve your present relationships.  Dr. Solomon unpacks the secrets to thriving intimacy, from mastering the art of apology to staying truly present with your partner.  Plus, get practical tools for navigating the inevitable challenges of long-term love.  Tune in for this insightful conversation that will empower you to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Show Notes Resources mentioned this episode: Reimagining Love Podcast “Loving Bravely” by Alexandra Solomon Similar NSE episodes: Kristin Neff: The Power of Self-Compassion Heather Holleman: The Art of Conversation Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness PDF of Lee's Interview Notes Transcription Link Want more NSE? JOIN NSE+ Today! Our subscriber only community with bonus episodes designed specifically to help you live a good life, ad-free listening, and discounts on live shows Subscribe to episodes: Apple | Spotify | Amazon | Google | YouTubeFollow Us: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | YouTubeFollow Lee: Instagram | TwitterJoin our Email List: nosmallendeavor.com See Privacy Policy: Privacy Policy Amazon Affiliate Disclosure: Tokens Media, LLC is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Be sure to watch this and every epsidoe of the podcast on YouTube: https://youtu.be/zjuKWgivYNo Today Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a renowned relationship expert, joins Dr. Liz Hale and Dr. Dave Schramm to discuss daily practices for love, relational self-awareness, and fostering intimacy. The conversation dives into overcoming relationship stagnation, understanding family of origin influences, and managing differences in relationship work. Learn how small, intentional actions and curiosity can transform your marriage into a thriving, intimate partnership.  About Dr. Solomon: Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is internationally recognized as one of today's most trustedvoices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness hasreached millions of people around the globe. A couple’s therapist, speaker, author, andprofessor, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinicalwisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity totheir relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals,and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popularInstagram page, which has garnered over 200K followers. She is on faculty in the school ofEducation and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologistat The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, reachestens of thousands of listeners across the globe each week and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of two books: Taking Sexy Back and Loving Bravely, which was featured on the TODAY show.   Insights: Alexandra: "Be willing to study your reactivity. You know, the stuff that makes you feel tense, the stuff that makes you feel urgent, stuff that makes you feel kind of shut down or cynical or hopeless, to take a look at that and to and to be curious about what it what it's showing you about a place that you're stuck, or maybe something that you might need to ask for a bit differently than you have." Liz: "I spend a great majority of my time with couples on the here and now, thepresent and the future, and probably not nearly enough time on the past, the family of origin. But I love that you remind almost that we either put it in their place or it's going to run the show. So, it's really crucial to ask some of those key questions about each other's childhood and especially, especially your own." Dave: "I love the idea that just that concept of consistency, of that compassion, that love, what are we going to do for us today? Getting out of those ruts, they require just intentionality. They require a lot of work. They really do, but the best things in life really do require effort and intentional thinking ahead. Yeah, let me check in with my wife today. Or, hey, what's on your mind, or what's stressful? Or what can I do for you? Those types of check ins regularly, making those deposits into those love buckets I think are, are critical."   Dr. Solomon's Links: Website: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/ Podcast: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcast/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/?hl=en X: https://x.com/AHSolomon   Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: Strongermarriage.org  Podcast.stongermarriage.org Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage/ Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongermarriagelife/   Dr. Dave Schramm: http://drdaveschramm.com http://drdavespeaks.com   Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com    This episode provides a compassionate and practical guide for anyone seeking to build healthier perspectives around sexuality, reduce shame, and improve intimacy in their relationships. Don't miss this deeply insightful discussion!

Send us a textI'm thrilled to share the latest episode of the "Endless Possibilities Podcast" with you. This week, we dive deep into the extraordinary life of Robin Lansing—a transformational speaker, visual artist, medicine singer, and medical health intuitive. Her story is one of resilience, healing, and the profound power of community. Here are some key takeaways and intriguing moments from our conversation:Key Lessons and Ideas:Near-Death Experiences: Robin recounts two near-death experiences during the Rhodesian War at just eight years old. These moments were pivotal in shaping her journey and understanding of life.Healing Through Community: Robin emphasizes the importance of community and connection in healing from trauma. She shares how the nurturing care of a village transformed her life.Intuition and Survival: Despite her traumatic experiences, Robin relied on her intuition to navigate life-threatening situations, highlighting the power of inner guidance.Art and Healing: Robin's artistic visions and medicine songs are tools she uses to help others reconnect with themselves and heal from past traumas.Resilience and Transformation: Her story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of love and connection.Curiosities to Spark Your Interest:Generational Trauma: Robin discusses how childhood trauma is often a cultural and social issue, not a personal failing.Life in a War Zone: She shares vivid memories of her time in Rhodesia, including being abducted and later found by soldiers.Near-Death Realms: Robin describes her peaceful transition into another realm during a near-death experience, where she encountered loving beings and received profound guidance.Shiva's Lessons: A mystical encounter with Shiva taught her about the cyclical nature of creation and destruction, shaping her understanding of life's challenges.Healing Practices: Robyn's work as a craniosacral therapist and her unique approach to healing, combining science and intuition, have helped thousands of individuals worldwide.Special Highlights:Medicine Songs: Robin shares a beautiful song that embodies the nurturing spirit she received from the women in the village, reminding us of the healing power of community.Art and Memoir: Check out her music album "Roots Drinking Rain" and her memoir "Loving Bravely" on her website.Philanthropy: Learn about her efforts to support the Imani School in Zimbabwe, providing essential resources for children.Stay connected and keep exploring the endless possibilities!Warmly, GarethRobin's YouTube Channel https://www.youtube.com/@LandsongRobinRobin's Website https://robinlandsong.com/Robin's Book https://a.co/d/gWa7yPhConnect with Garethhttps://linktr.ee/truespiritualawakeningIf you would like to be interviewed by Gareth please email us at podcastpossibilities@gmail.comhttps://www.youtube.com/@EndlessPossibilitiesPodcast

What makes relationships thrive in today's ever-evolving world? In this illuminating episode, Eli Weinstein sits down with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a globally recognized expert in relationships and Relational Self-Awareness. Together, they explore how self-awareness, communication, and vulnerability shape lasting connections. From navigating conflict to embracing small, everyday moments of intimacy, Dr. Solomon shares practical strategies rooted in cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom. Whether you're dating, in a long-term relationship, or simply curious about modern love, this conversation will leave you inspired and equipped with tools to deepen your relationships. Key Takeaways:

Robin Aisha Landsong, born in the US, was abducted and drugged at eight years old. When she woke up she gradually realized she had been abandoned in Rhodesia, Africa at the height of its 1977 civil war. She survived two near-death experiences, including a gunshot wound to the head, and was briefly adopted by a local family. Robin's astonishing story, told in her new book Loving Bravely, is one of resilience and determination to face trauma, survive, and thrive. Long after returning to the US, Robin spent years seeking the location where she had lived in Africa, searching for survivors of the black family that discovered a dying white child and adopted her. Today Robin is a Transformational Speaker, Visual Artist, Medicine Singer, and Medical/Health Intuitive. Her specialties as a Craniosacral Therapist are trauma resolution, the neurobiology of connection, and restoring the natural rhythms in the body. She shares her story and numerous insights on today's show. Robin Landsong: CONTACT Website- https://robinlandsong.com/ Loving Bravely: A Memoir Miraculous Near Death of a Girl, Abducted, Shot During War, and Sung Back to Life by an African Woman - https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Bravely-Miraculous-Abducted-African/dp/B0DK2HXNLS Art Shop- https://robinlandsong.com/store/ Classes- https://robinlandsong.com/online-classes/ Singing Medicine Album- Roots Drinking Rain- https://robinlandsong.com/product/music-roots-drinking-rain/ Also on Apple Music and Spotify! FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/ASMALPodcast VISIT OUR WEBSITE: http://www.asmallmediumatlarge.co EMAIL: asmallmediumatlargepodcast @gmail.com Show Produced by Green Valley Production Studio Music by DJ Booda: http://www.djbooda.com

Arke's fundraiser for children in Nepal: https://gofund.me/c5442adc Robin Landsong's book (Loving Bravely): https://bit.ly/3YrdN75 Join my membership: https://app.heartbeat.chat/lovecoveredlifeacademy/invitation?code=249889You will get instant access to:- An inclusive community group- At least one monthly livestream where I will answer your questions, and get to know you!- Monthly live workshops/Q&As with your favorite guests from the podcast- Behind the scenes updates on upcoming podcast guests- Access to my "Connect to Your True Self" minicourse and my two masterclasses, "Root Center Activation," and "Sacral Center Activation."- Free distance healing sessions with Jamie of Refractive HealingWHERE TO FIND MELISSA: WEEKLY  NEWSLETTER: https://melissadenyce.podia.com/weekly-newsletterWEBSITE: https://lovecoveredlife.com/VIDEO PODCAST: https://www.youtube.com/@LoveCoveredLifePodcastINSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/lovecoveredlife/TIKTOK: https://www.tiktok.com/@lovecoveredlifeBE A GUEST: https://www.lovecoveredlife.com/beaguestEMAIL FOR OTHER BUSINESS INQUIRIES: Melissa@lovecoveredlife.com _______________________ WHERE TO FIND ARKE: Fundraiser for children in Nepal: https://gofund.me/c5442adc Youtube: https://youtu.be/4z-1o1xNsIo?si=RNtvT46yo8U_D-nNWebsite: https://arkemuratova.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/arkemuratova 

When there is a lack of lust decades into an otherwise loving marriage or relationship, many, if not most, women assume their indifference to sex is a result of declining hormone levels and that a prescription for estrogen, testosterone or a libido enhancing drug will re-light the flame. A plunge in hormones can be part of the problem, and sometimes a trip to the pharmacy will help, but there are a lot of other reasons that have nothing to do with hormones or menopause that impact on keeping that sexual spark alive.  In this episode, I am joined Dr. Alexandra Solomon, the author of Loving Bravely, Taking Sexy Back, and her latest book, Love Every Day- 365 relational self-awareness practices, to help your relationship heal, grow and thrive.  We discuss:   Is the MONOTONY of monogamy inevitable?  What is “RELATIONAL SELF AWARENESS”? What is UNPACKING and why is it important? Tips to CONFLICT RESOLUTION as opposed to conflict escalation?  What if you are in a good place in terms of love and intimacy, but are worried about losing that connection over time?  Why it is important to understand your PARENTS relationship to have better adult relationships LEAVE the relationship or FIX the relationship?  What if you “love them” but are not “In love with them?”   What do you tell women when it comes to LIBIDO DRUGS to reignite the spark? Why women are often resistant to SEX THERAPY? How past sexual TRAUMA can inform current sexual experiences, and how to reclaim pleasure Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework for Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Alexandra is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular Instagram page, which has garnered over 220k followers. She is on the faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, reaches tens of thousands of listeners across the globe each week and features deep dives into complex relationship dynamics as well as conversations with high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture.  Dr. Alexandra Solomon https://dralexandrasolomon.com/ Dr. Solomon's Instagram https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/  Loving Bravely by Dr. Alexandra Solomon https://bookshop.org/books/loving-bravely-twenty-lessons-of-self-discovery-to-help-you-get-the-love-you-want/9781626255814 Taking Sexy Back by Dr. Alexandra Solomon https://bookshop.org/books/taking-sexy-back-how-to-own-your-sexuality-and-create-the-relationships-you-want/9781684033461 Reimagining Love, Dr. Solomon's podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/reimagining-love/id1588419386 Love Every Day https://www.amazon.com/Love-Every-Day-Self-Awareness-Relationship/dp/1683736532 For more information on this topic:  Episode 8: When Painful Sex Leads to Problem Relationships  with Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg Episode 10: Dating After 50- Make it Awesome Not Awful- With Bela Gandhi Episode 20:  Is non-monogamy having a moment? With Dr. Wednesday Martin Episode 41 Why Men go Missing in Bed with Dr. Stephen Snyder  Episode 54 What Happens During Sex Therapy with Rachel Zar  Episode 89  Faking Orgasm with Rachel Zar Episode 115 “Do You Have Good Sex? A visit with Dr. Ruth   Slip Sliding Away: Turning Back the Clock on Your Vagina-A gynecologist's guide to eliminating post-menopause dryness and pain Dr. Streicher's Inside Information podcast is not intended to replace medical advice and should be used to supplement, not replace, care by your personal health care clinician. Dr. Streicher disclaims liability for any medical outcomes that may occur because of applying methods suggested or discussed in this podcast. Lauren Streicher, MD is a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine, and the founding medical director of the Northwestern Medicine Center for Sexual Medicine and Menopause. She is a certified menopause practitioner of The Menopause Society.  Sign up to receive DR. STREICHER'S FREE NEWSLETTER Dr. Streicher is the medical correspondent for Chicago's top-rated news program, the WGN Morning News, and has been seen on The Today Show, Good Morning America, The Oprah Winfrey Show, CNN, NPR, Dr. Radio, Nightline, Fox and Friends, The Steve Harvey Show, CBS This Morning, ABC News Now, NBCNightlyNews,20/20, and World News Tonight. She is an expert source for many magazines and serves on the medical advisory board of The Kinsey Institute, Self Magazine, and Prevention Magazine. She writes a regular column for The Ethel by AARP and Prevention Magazine.  Subscribe and Follow Dr. Streicher on  DrStreicher.com Instagram @DrStreich Facebook  @DrStreicher YouTube  DrStreicherTV LinkedIn @DrStreicher Books by Lauren Streicher, MD  Slip Sliding Away: Turning Back the Clock on Your Vagina-A gynecologist's guide to eliminating post-menopause dryness and pain Hot Flash Hell: A Gynecologist's Guide to Turning Down the Heat Sex Rx- Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever The Essential Guide to Hysterectomy Come Again! A Guide to Midlife Libido and Orgasm  (available for pre-order)  To Find a Menopause Clinician Episode 46 Finding a Menopause Clinician Who Will Listen Midi Health  joinmidi.com Midi Health is a telehealth company that provides high level menopause care and also takes insurance in all 50 states. Dr. Streicher is Midi's Medical Director of Education and Community Outreach and is familiar with their medical protocols, which are all regularly updated and set by the top academic menopause experts in the country.  The Menopause Society- Certified Menopause Practitioner List Menopause.org To find a menopause practitioner: https://portal.menopause.org/NAMS/NAMS/Directory/Menopause-Practitioner.aspx Put in your zip code and designate NCMP or CMSP to get a certified menopause practitioner. While all people on this list have passed a competency examination, Dr. Streicher does not vouch for every one of these clinicians. Most are excellent.  Major Medical Centers It also may be helpful to check with major medical centers in your area. Many have menopause clinics or lists of doctors that have an interest and expertise in menopause.  If you are in the Chicago area, the center founded by Dr. Streicher:  The Northwestern Medicine Center for Sexual Medicine and Menopause Sexmedmenopause.nm.org Menopause Masterplan Sessions. Dr. Streicher offers one on one and group informational and educational Menopause Masterplan sessions.  For more information: https://www.drstreicher.com/menopause-master-plan

"Twenty Lessons of Self-discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want"

What should you do if someone wants to be friends, but you're not into it? Boundaries are part of all human relationships, but they are TRICKY.    Welcome to part two of our show about boundaries - how to make them, how to keep them, and sometimes, how to breach them - with special guest Dr. Alexandra Solomon, host of Reimagining Love. In this episode we cover:   Starting over in a new place with new friends  Why we so often confuse boundaries with being mean or rude The power of social observation to gather data (Megan's go-to move!)  Scripts for saying “no thank you” to a potential friendship when that feels both mean and necessary   We're re-releasing some of our favorite episodes from the first 3 seasons. This episode was originally recorded in 2022.   Looking for a creative exploration of grief? Check out the best selling Writing Your Grief course here.   About our guest: Dr Alexandra Solomon is one of the most trusted voices in the world of relationships. She's a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University  and the author of two bestselling books: Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back.    You might know her from her popular instagram channel @dr.alexandra.solomon, or from her podcast, Reimagining Love. Find her at dralexandrasolomon.com    About Megan:  Psychotherapist Megan Devine is one of today's leading experts on grief, from life-altering losses to the everyday grief that we don't call grief. Get the best-selling book on grief in over a decade, It's Ok that You're Not OK, wherever you get books. Find Megan @refugeingrief   Additional Resources: Want to train with Dr. Solomon? Check out her current training courses at dralexandrasolomon.com   Want to talk with Megan directly? Join our patreon community for live monthly Q&A grief clinics: your questions, answered. Want to speak to her privately? Apply for a 1:1 grief consultation here.    Check out Megan's best-selling books - It's OK That You're Not OK and How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed Books and resources may contain affiliate links.   Follow our show on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok @refugeingrief and @itsokpod on TikTok. For more information, including clinical training and consulting and to share your thoughts, visit us at refugeingrief.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What do you do when someone cuts you out of their life? How do you back away slowly from someone you really don't want to be around? Boundaries are part of all human relationships, but they are TRICKY.    This week on It's OK, part one of our show about boundaries - how to make them, how to keep them, and sometimes, how to breach them - with special guest Dr. Alexandra Solomon, host of Reimagining Love. In this episode we cover:   Why relational self-awareness is the key to all good relationships Can step-parents and adult step-kids get along after a loss in the family?  How to negotiate the relationship you want when the other people maybe don't want you around The difference between “letting go of outcome” and setting yourself up for success   We're re-releasing some of our favorite episodes from the first 3 seasons. This episode was originally recorded in 2022.   Looking for a creative exploration of grief? Check out the best selling Writing Your Grief course here.   About our guest: Dr Alexandra Solomon is one of the most trusted voices in the world of relationships. She's a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University  and the author of two bestselling books: Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back.    You might know her from her popular instagram channel @dr.alexandra.solomon, or from her podcast, Reimagining Love. Find her at dralexandrasolomon.com   About Megan:  Psychotherapist Megan Devine is one of today's leading experts on grief, from life-altering losses to the everyday grief that we don't call grief. Get the best-selling book on grief in over a decade, It's Ok that You're Not OK, wherever you get books. Find Megan @refugeingrief   Additional Resources: Want to train with Dr. Solomon? Check out her current training courses at dralexandrasolomon.com   Want to talk with Megan directly? Join our patreon community for live monthly Q&A grief clinics: your questions, answered. Want to speak to her privately? Apply for a 1:1 grief consultation here.    Check out Megan's best-selling books - It's OK That You're Not OK and How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed Books and resources may contain affiliate links.   Follow our show on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok @refugeingrief and @itsokpod on TikTok. For more information, including clinical training and consulting and to share your thoughts, visit us at refugeingrief.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this episode I'm talking to Robin Landsong about her audiobook 'Loving Bravely'.Loving Bravely audiobook is Robin's hymn of praise to the women and men who saved her life after being abducted and taken to the Rhodesian War in 1977. In her own speaking and singing voice, Robin shares her two Death and Return Experiences, and her African Mama's love and life giving Medicine Song. Fourteen years in the making, this powerful and inspirational story will profoundly move and nourish listeners.Robin's BioRobin Aisha Landsong is a Transformational Speaker, Visual Artist, Medicine Singer and Medical/ Health Intuitive. She had two Near Death Experiences during the Rhodesian War in 1977 when she was eight years old. When she was called back to life by the Medicine Song of a rural Zimbabwean woman, it opened her own Medicine Songs, and she has given Singing Medicine to over 16,000 people.  Her specialties as a Craniosacral Therapist are trauma resolution, the neurobiology of connection, and restoring the natural rhythms in the body. She sees each person's gifts, strengths, and underlying cause of their physical, emotional, or spiritual distress. Robin helps people come home to their creativity, intuition, and embodiment. YouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/@LandsongRobin/videosFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/CreateBelonginghttps://robinlandsong.com/https://www.pastliveshypnosis.co.uk/https://www.patreon.com/ourparanormalafterlifeBecome a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/our-paranormal-afterlife-finding-proof-of-life-after-death--5220623/support.

There's often a disparity between how men and women make sacrifices for their relationship. In a long-term partnership, it's normal and necessary to compromise, but how do we ensure that said compromises don't make us lose important parts of ourselves in the process? Dr. Alexandra Solomon joins us to talk about how to identify, communicate, and retain independent parts of ourselves as we embark on a life journey with someone we love. We talk about… - how to keep the “me” within the “we” - is dating objectively harder now than it was in the past? why or why not? - should we go through our partner's phones as a way to ensure honesty? Remember: when two individuals form a unit, there are parts of their individuality that may be pushed aside. It's not always a bad thing as long as we acknowledge each other's individualities within. Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, phD, is internationally-recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awarness has resonated with millions. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tool people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical pscychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of now 3 books: Taking Sexy Back, Loving Bravely, and Love Every Day. Follow Dr. Alexandra on Instagram: @dr.alexandra.solomon Get Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day here: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/book/ And if you enjoyed this episode, screenshot it and share it on social media! Make sure to tag @maryspodcast and @dr.alexandra.solomon Mentioned In This Episode... Lizzo's NPR Tiny Desk Concert: https://youtu.be/DFiLdByWIDY?si=KAXcDxpW1aVmA9v2

Thinking about re-entering the dating scene after a breakup or loss? How can you tell if you're truly ready to get back out there? In this solo episode, Dr. Alexandra provides five Relational Self-Awareness-informed indicators that you can use to help you discern whether you're ready to date again.Relevant links:Access this episode's companion worksheet hereListen to Reimagining Love's "Guidance for the Newly Single" episodeLearn more about Relational Self-Awareness with Dr. Alexandra's books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy BackOrder Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every DaySubscribe to Dr. Alexandra's NewsletterSubmit a Listener Question

Our guest this week is host of one of my must-listen podcasts - one I've been following since the spring, when Dr Simon Michaux mailed me and said, you need to listen to Rachel - and he was right. Rachel Donald is host of Planet: Critical one of the world's top-rated podcasts on the poly-crisis and systems change.  She interviews some really big players on the world stage with integrity and panache - her conversation with Alastair Campbell where she never lets him off the hook is an absolute exemplar of how to hold power to account and I think we're seeing the change in real time on his podcast with Rory Stewart. When she's not podcasting,  Rachel is a climate corruption journalist who investigates why the world is in crisis—and what to do about it.  With world exclusives in major papers, Rachel investigates the gaslighting which props up our broken systems.  She travels the world talking on - and off - the record to heads of government and oil industry executives, to the people who make our current system tick and who are often just as afraid as we are about the direction and speed of travel towards the edge of the extinction cliff. Rachel has an almost unique insight into the nature of the systemic catastrophe we've built for ourselves and therefore of the ways we might address it. This was a bracing conversation. There are no easy answers and I had some of my rosier tinted lenses broken along the way.  But in the end we came to the place we often get to with this podcast - that building communities of place, purpose and passion where we value each other, and our capacity to love bravely is what might - perhaps - bring us to the emergent edge of inter-becoming that Indy Johar spoke of a few weeks ago. So brace yourselves, this is not an easy podcast, but we need to know where we're at so we can let go - again - ever more completely  - of our assumptions about business as usual and do whatever we can, wherever we are, to be that emergent edge. Planet: Critical podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/planet-critical/id1545009586Planet: Critical website https://www.planetcritical.com/Rachel on Twitter https://twitter.com/CrisisReportsRachel on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/rachel-donald/Diem25 - Democracy in Europe Movement https://diem25.org/en/

Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D., is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships. Her framework of Relational Self-Awareness framework has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular Instagram page, which has garnered over 200K followers. She is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, reaches tens of thousands of listeners across the globe each week and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of three books: Love Every Day, Taking Sexy Back, and Loving Bravely, which was featured on the TODAY show. Her first book, Loving Bravely, can be found here: https://amzn.to/2KSQKMS.   For her second book, Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want, click here: https://amzn.to/33VGjzy. To check out her latest book, Love Every Day, click here: https://amzn.to/3sSqWJs. Check her website out here: http://www.dralexandrasolomon.com Follow her on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon _______________________________________ Follow me on Instagram @LongDistanceLoveBombs: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/longdistancelovebombs⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. Sign up for my weekly newsletter!  Each week, I share a personal story and my favorite books, tunes, articles, and ideas. Click here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://longdistancelovebombs.mykajabi.com/email⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. It's easy and takes five seconds. Check out a list of 120 of my favorite books here, including MY BOOK, and many my guests have written and recommend reading: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.amazon.com/shop/longdistancelovebombs.⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Here is all of my favorite stuff on the planet: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.longdistancelovebombs.com/favorites⁠⁠ --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/longdistancelovebombs/message

‘5 Ways to Overcome the Perimenopause Relationship Drought' is the topic in today's episode on the Perimenopause WTF! podcast. Listen in as Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon answers some of the perry communities' most pressing questions; from having zero sex drive in a same sex marriage during perimenopause to how to rekindle that spark in your waning (perimenopausal filled) relationship.  We never hold back so neither should you! Send in a voice question: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/perryapp/message Perimenopause WTF! brought to you by perry!  Perry is a safe space for connections, support, new friendships and occasional laughs during the menopause transition. It's a #1 perimenopause app where you will meet other warriors who understand.  Sharing experiences will help to feel ‘normal' again. No, you're not crazy and no, you are not alone. With our network of wonderful menopause experts, we have gathered an abundance of  evidence-based knowledge, articles, podcasts and a new book: The Perry Menopause Journal. To learn more visit: www.heyperry.com https://perry.app.link/perimenopausewtf The Perimenopause Journal Are you looking for a meaningful way to prioritize your well-being during this crucial phase of your life? Do you crave self-care practices tailored specifically to the ups and downs of perimenopause? The journal offers: 1️⃣ Thoughtful Prompts: 2️⃣ Progress tracking: 3️⃣ Evidence-based knowledge  4️⃣ Community Support To grab a journal visit:  heyperry.com/theperrymenopausejournal or amzn.to/3Nt1YYR

Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular Instagram page, which has garnered over 200K followers. She is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, reaches tens of thousands of listeners across the globe each week and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of two books: Taking Sexy Back and Loving Bravely. In this episode, Dr. Solomon shares insight on her work as a couples therapist, by discussing the value in healthy conflict, the importance of compassion within relationships, intimacy and trust, and more. FOLLOW DR. SOLOMON: INSTAGRAM: @dr.alexandra.solomon BOOK: Love Every Day PODCAST: Love Reimagined STAY CONNECTED: INSTA: @trustandthriveTIKOK:@trustandthriveTWITTER: @trustandthriveFACEBOOK: bit.ly/FBtaramontWEBSITE: www.tara-mont.com EMAIL: trustandthrive@gmail.com

Bela chats with Dr. Alexandra Solomon about her new book, "Love Every Day" - and we talk about so many things including: Can we get better at relationships? Toxic Monogamy - What does it mean, and why is it fostered by "Disney" and the Hollywood industry? Attraction -- does being attracted to someone while you're in a relationship mean the death-knell of the relationship? What is 'micro-cheating' and how to know if you're doing it!  The best test and so easy to do.... Why a deep friendship is KEY to a successful relationship Why great sex long term is also fueled by friendship This episode is awesome, and if you're ready to invest in Dr. Solomon's book, put this link in your browser to buy it!  https://bit.ly/3Lu449e Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational jmSelf-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular Instagram page, which has garnered over 200K followers. She is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, reaches tens of thousands of listeners across the globe each week and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of two books: Taking Sexy Back and Loving Bravely. If you're ready to invest in the love of your life, and if you're tired of being single, schedule a one hour session with Bela to change the trajectory of your dating life!    Join our free newsletter database by signing up here:  www.smartdatingacademy.com/contact Follow us on Instagram at @smartdatingacademy Schedule your consultation with us here!   We are on a waiting list, and would love to help you!  https://www.smartdatingacademy.com/11-coaching/coaching-call-with-bela

Dr. Alexandra Solomon returns to the podcast this week to discuss her new book, Love Every Day. Part of the book's premise is that love needs to be a daily practice. Dr. Solomon shares her insights and wisdom about how to show up for the relationships in your life.   Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D., is internationally recognized as today's most trusted relationship voice. Her Relational Self-Awareness framework has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Solomon, hosts the podcast REIMAGINING LOVE and has a new book, LOVE EVERY DAY, on sale this October.  Featured topics include: Why love needs to be a daily practice (5:17) Relational Self-Awareness (RSA) is the key to a healthy relationship (9:31) How to approach relationship and sexual challenges as a team (27:15) How cultural context and identity shape our relationships (36:52) Dr. Solomon answers, “Why is dating so challenging right now?” (47:32) Learn more about Dr. Alexandra Solomon: Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D., is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular Instagram page, which has garnered over 200K followers. She is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, reaches tens of thousands of listeners across the globe each week and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of two books: Taking Sexy Back and Loving Bravely, which was featured on the TODAY show. Resources & Links: Information and links may also be found at: http://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-236-love-every-day-with-dr-alexandra-solomon/ The Divorce CoalitionThe Divorce Coalition on InstagramDr. Alexandra Solomon's website Dr. Alexandra Solomon on Instagram Dr. Alexandra Solomon on Facebook Get Your Curated Podcast Playlist! Answer four easy questions and you'll get a curated list of podcast episodes to best support you as you navigate these tricky waters. I'll also help you identify where you currently stand on this journey, and what's ahead, with resources to help you move through this process with knowledge and grace. GET IT HERE DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

Today on the Balancing Chaos Podcast, Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a renowned expert in relationships and self-discovery, shares her insights on love, connection, and personal growth. As a professor, therapist, author, and speaker, she offers guidance to individuals seeking to deepen their understanding of themselves and their relationships. Dr. Solomon's upcoming book, Love Every Day, promises to redefine how we view and experience love. She also hosts the thought-provoking podcast, Reimagining Love, where she explores the intricacies of human connection in the modern world.In todays show, Kelley and Dr. Alexandra Solomon talk about the key ingredients for successful relationship, how our relationships can both increase our quality of health or if they're stressful toxic relationships how they can deplete our health, what's normal when it comes to sex if you're in a long term relationship, the importance of being authentically be yourself in a relationship, and navigating the dating apps! Whether you're in a committed relationship or you're looking for a partner, this episode is a great listen for anyone who wants to understand the impact of relationships on our wellbeing.   To connect with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, click HERETo connect with Kelley, click HERETo get 20% off Kelley's Health and Hormones Course + a FREE Lab Review click HERE and use code BALANCINGCHAOS20To get 10% off Kelley's WBK method app with your annual membership, click HERE and use code BALANCINGCHAOS

This is the final episode in the series, "Love Update: My Family Edition." Now it is my turn to share  how my ideology about love has evolved and changed. I am so grateful that my best friend, Ashlee, hosted the episode. The idea for the series comes from lesson four found in the book, "Loving Bravely” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon. Dr. Solomon pretty much provides the reader with a lesson on gaining a new perspective (or what she calls "collecting fresh data") in order to better understand one's "love template" by interviewing a parent/guardian.Please note, I do not conduct these interviews using the guidelines that she outlines in the lesson. I decided to ask my female relatives some of the questions that she provides, while also incorporating some questions that I revamped from her list.If you would like to ask yourself some of the questions that I posed during the interview, here is the list:-What have you learned about dating?*-When was the first time you truly felt loved?-How has your definition of love changed since that time?-What have you learned about handling differences and managing conflict in relationship?*-What do you feel are the essential ingredients in a healthy intimate relationship?*-What does love feel like to you?-What do you wish for your future children, nieces, nephews, and/or grand-babies when it comes to love?*Questions directly listed on page 46 of the book "Loving Bravely."You can listen to Must Have Knowledge and Sass on:Apple PodcastsSpotifyGoogle PodcastsYou can follow "Must Have Knowledge and Sass" on the following platforms:Instagram: @musthaveknowledgeandsassEmail: musthaveknowledgeandsass@gmail.comHost and Producer: TionnaTransition and Outro Music Produced by: Tr!zzy Tr@cks (Instagram: @trizzytracks)Logo "Knowledge" Artwork by: LorenzoLogo Design by: Tionna

During this series entitled, "Love Update: My Family Edition," you will get to hear how one of my family member's  ideology about love has evolved and changed. The idea for the series comes from lesson four found in the book, "Loving Bravely” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon.Dr. Solomon pretty much provides the reader with a lesson on gaining a new perspective (or what she calls "collecting fresh data") in order to better understand one's "love template" by interviewing a parent/guardian.Please note, I do not conduct these interviews using the guidelines that she outlines in the lesson. I decided to ask my female relatives some of the questions that she provides, while also incorporating some questions that I revamped from her list.If you would like to ask yourself some of the questions that I posed during the interview, here is the list:-What have you learned about dating?*-When was the first time you truly felt loved?-How has your definition of love changed since that time?-What have you learned about handling differences and managing conflict in relationship?*-What do you feel are the essential ingredients in a healthy intimate relationship?*-What does love feel like to you?-What do you wish for your future children, nieces, nephews, and/or grand-babies when it comes to love?*Questions directly listed on page 46 of the book "Loving Bravely."You can listen to Must Have Knowledge and Sass on:Apple PodcastsSpotifyGoogle PodcastsYou can follow "Must Have Knowledge and Sass" on the following platforms:Instagram: @musthaveknowledgeandsassEmail: musthaveknowledgeandsass@gmail.comHost and Producer: TionnaTransition and Outro Music Produced by: Tr!zzy Tr@cks (Instagram: @trizzytracks)Logo "Knowledge" Artwork by: LorenzoLogo Design by: Tionna

During this series entitled, "Love Update: My Family Edition," you will get to hear how one of my family member's  ideology about love has evolved and changed. The idea for the series comes from lesson four found in the book, "Loving Bravely” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon.Dr. Solomon pretty much provides the reader with a lesson on gaining a new perspective (or what she calls "collecting fresh data") in order to better understand one's "love template" by interviewing a parent/guardian.Please note, I do not conduct these interviews using the guidelines that she outlines in the lesson. I decided to ask my female relatives some of the questions that she provides, while also incorporating some questions that I revamped from her list.If you would like to ask yourself some of the questions that I posed during the interview, here is the list:-What have you learned about dating?*-When was the first time you truly felt loved?-How has your definition of love changed since that time?-What have you learned about handling differences and managing conflict in relationship?*-What do you feel are the essential ingredients in a healthy intimate relationship?*-What does love feel like to you?-What do you wish for your future children, nieces, nephews, and/or grand-babies when it comes to love?*Questions directly listed on page 46 of the book "Loving Bravely."You can listen to Must Have Knowledge and Sass on:Apple PodcastsSpotifyGoogle PodcastsYou can follow "Must Have Knowledge and Sass" on the following platforms:Instagram: @musthaveknowledgeandsassEmail: musthaveknowledgeandsass@gmail.comHost and Producer: TionnaTransition and Outro Music Produced by: Tr!zzy Tr@cks (Instagram: @trizzytracks)Logo "Knowledge" Artwork by: LorenzoLogo Design by: Tionna

During this series entitled, "Love Update: My Family Edition," you will get to hear how one of my family member's  ideology about love has evolved and changed. The idea for the series comes from lesson four found in the book, "Loving Bravely” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon.Dr. Solomon pretty much provides the reader with a lesson on gaining a new perspective (or what she calls "collecting fresh data") in order to better understand one's "love template" by interviewing a parent/guardian.Please note, I do not conduct these interviews using the guidelines that she outlines in the lesson. I decided to ask my female relatives some of the questions that she provides, while also incorporating some questions that I revamped from her list.If you would like to ask yourself some of the questions that I posed during the interview, here is the list:-What have you learned about dating?*-When was the first time you truly felt loved?-How has your definition of love changed since that time?-What have you learned about handling differences and managing conflict in relationship?*-What do you feel are the essential ingredients in a healthy intimate relationship?*-What does love feel like to you?-What do you wish for your future children, nieces, nephews, and/or grand-babies when it comes to love?*Questions directly listed on page 46 of the book "Loving Bravely."You can listen to Must Have Knowledge and Sass on:Apple PodcastsSpotifyGoogle PodcastsYou can follow "Must Have Knowledge and Sass" on the following platforms:Instagram: @musthaveknowledgeandsassEmail: musthaveknowledgeandsass@gmail.comHost and Producer: TionnaTransition and Outro Music Produced by: Tr!zzy Tr@cks (Instagram: @trizzytracks)Logo "Knowledge" Artwork by: LorenzoLogo Design by: Tionna

During this series entitled, "Love Update: My Family Edition," you will get to hear how one of my family member's  ideology about love has evolved and changed. The idea for the series comes from lesson four found in the book, "Loving Bravely” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon.Dr. Solomon pretty much provides the reader with a lesson on gaining a new perspective (or what she calls "collecting fresh data") in order to better understand one's "love template" by interviewing a parent/guardian.Please note, I do not conduct these interviews using the guidelines that she outlines in the lesson. I decided to ask my female relatives some of the questions that she provides, while also incorporating some questions that I revamped from her list.If you would like to ask yourself some of the questions that I posed during the interview, here is the list:-What have you learned about dating?*-When was the first time you truly felt loved?-How has your definition of love changed since that time?-What have you learned about handling differences and managing conflict in relationship?*-What do you feel are the essential ingredients in a healthy intimate relationship?*-What does love feel like to you?-What do you wish for your future children, nieces, nephews, and/or grand-babies when it comes to love?*Questions directly listed on page 46 of the book "Loving Bravely."You can listen to Must Have Knowledge and Sass on:Apple PodcastsSpotifyGoogle PodcastsYou can follow "Must Have Knowledge and Sass" on the following platforms:Instagram: @musthaveknowledgeandsassEmail: musthaveknowledgeandsass@gmail.comHost and Producer: TionnaTransition and Outro Music Produced by: Tr!zzy Tr@cks (Instagram: @trizzytracks)Logo "Knowledge" Artwork by: LorenzoLogo Design by: Tionna

During this series entitled, "Love Update: My Family Edition," you will get to hear how one of my family member's  ideology about love has evolved and changed. The idea for the series comes from lesson four found in the book, "Loving Bavely” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon.Dr. Solomon pretty much provides the reader with a lesson on gaining a new perspective (or what she calls "collecting fresh data") in order to better understand one's "love template" by interviewing a parent/guardian.Please note, I do not conduct these interviews using the guidelines that she outlines in the lesson. I decided to ask my female relatives some of the questions that she provides, while also incorporating some questions that I revamped from her list.If you would like to ask yourself some of the questions that I posed during the interview, here is the list:-What have you learned about dating?*-When was the first time you truly felt loved?-How has your definition of love changed since that time?-What have you learned about handling differences and managing conflict in relationship?*-What do you feel are the essential ingredients in a healthy intimate relationship?*-What does love feel like to you?-What do you wish for your future children, nieces, nephews, and/or grand-babies when it comes to love?*Questions directly listed on page 46 of the book "Loving Bravely."You can listen to Must Have Knowledge and Sass on:Apple PodcastsSpotifyGoogle PodcastsYou can follow "Must Have Knowledge and Sass" on the following platforms:Instagram: @musthaveknowledgeandsassEmail: musthaveknowledgeandsass@gmail.comHost and Producer: TionnaTransition and Outro Music Produced by: Tr!zzy Tr@cks (Instagram: @trizzytracks)Logo "Knowledge" Artwork by: LorenzoLogo Design by: Tionna

During this series entitled, "Love Update: My Family Edition," you will get to hear how one of my family member's  ideology about love has evolved and changed. The idea for the series comes from lesson four found in the book, "Loving Bavely” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon.Dr. Solomon pretty much provides the reader with a lesson on gaining a new perspective (or what she calls "collecting fresh data") in order to better understand one's "love template" by interviewing a parent/guardian. Please note, I do not conduct these interviews using the guidelines that she outlines in the lesson. I decided to ask my female relatives some of the questions that she provides, while also incorporating some questions that I revamped from her list. If you would like to ask yourself some of the questions that I posed during the interview, here is the list:-What have you learned about dating?*-When was the first time you truly felt loved?-How has your definition of love changed since that time?-What have you learned about handling differences and managing conflict in relationship?*-What do you feel are the essential ingredients in a healthy intimate relationship?*-What does love feel like to you?-What do you wish for your future children, nieces, nephews, and/or grand-babies when it comes to love?*Questions directly listed on page 46 of the book "Loving Bravely."You can listen to Must Have Knowledge and Sass on:Apple PodcastsSpotifyGoogle PodcastsYou can follow "Must Have Knowledge and Sass" on the following platforms:Instagram: @musthaveknowledgeandsassEmail: musthaveknowledgeandsass@gmail.comHost and Producer: TionnaTransition and Outro Music Produced by: Tr!zzy Tr@cks (Instagram: @trizzytracks)Logo "Knowledge" Artwork by: LorenzoLogo Design by: Tionna

Join Lara and special guest Dr. Alexandra Solomon, couples therapist extraordinaire, for an episode that'll have you shouting 'Hallelujah!' Discover how to save your relationship with therapist-approved tips on repairing after betrayal, getting in touch with your inner ‘sexy', and decoding the deeper questions behind those pesky little fights. Whether you're single or happily coupled up, this episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to revolutionize their love life. Get ready to take notes and take charge – your relationship will thank you!You can find Dr. Alexandra Solomon's work here. Check out her books 'Loving Bravely' and "Taking Sexy Back" and listen to her her podcast 'Reimagining Love'.

Hi Guys!!! Welcome back:) Today, I sat down with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, the host of Reimagining Love, and the author of Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Today, she shares her secrets on how to cultivate meaningful relationships and what she has learned in the years of her teaching, researching, speaking and writing. Hope you enjoy! Here's the link to her instagram. Thank you to Liana Jabs LLC for making todays episode possible. Liana is a Master INEA Board Certified Coach in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), Reiki, Clinical Hypnotherapy, and TIME Techniques™ Adult Chair® Certified Coach @LoveWithLiana https://lovewithliana.com Check out the Bali retreat with Liana at the Gaia Center here

Every person is sexy just because they're alive, according to this week's guest in our For the Love of Sex Series; Dr. Alexandra Solomon. Jen & Dr. Solomon talk about how we can discover how to engage with our sexuality free from judgment or expectation.  Dr. Alexandra Solomon is the author of bestselling books, “Loving Bravely” and “Taking Sexy Back” which both seek to empower women to reclaim their sexual journeys. As a highly acclaimed psychologist at Northwestern University, Dr. Solomon regularly presents her findings to people all over the world.  Join Dr. Solomon and Jen as they discuss: Talking about sex with your partner  How to stop settling for less in the bedroom  Objectively reflecting on your sexual journey without judgment The real impact of trauma on our sexual selves How desire shifts over the course of a relationship  Dr. Solomon explains the basic premise that undergirds her work; that every person has the right and ability to experience pleasure and joy and connection through sex. * * * Thank you to our sponsors! BetterHelp | Try convenient and affordable therapy with BetterHelp anytime, anywhere. Give BetterHelp a try and get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com/ForTheLove   FOCL | Leave those 3am thoughts behind! Sleep better with FOCL CBD gummies and use Promo Code ForTheLove for 20% off at www.focl.com.  MeCourse | Let's join sexologist Dr. Celeste Holbrook and Jen as they talk about real steps you can take to improve your sex life. Head to MeCourse.org/love101 to register.  Thought-Provoking Quotes “What stands out first and foremost about women and sex is that we are so completely objectified from the time we're little. That's the nature of patriarchy, is to objectify women. And we learn to objectify ourselves. I don't know how it is for you, but I know I have forever related to my body as a forever fixer-upper project.”- Dr. Alexandra Solomon “There's an idea that sexiness is defined from the outside in. So in my book, "Taking Sexy Back," that's what we're taking back. We're taking back this idea that sexiness is externally defined. That actually, our “sexy” lives right here inside of us, and it always has. Your sexuality is a part of yourself. It's a part of who you are. It's your embodied relationship with touch and physical expression and pleasure and creativity and play.”  - Dr. Alexandra Solomon “There's going to be dry spells. There's going to be mismatched libidos. There's going to be menopause. There's going to be childbirth and job changes and medical diagnoses. Things are going to happen. So I want couples to be together, shoulder to shoulder, looking at the problem together. It's not my problem or your problem. It's us looking at our sexual connection. How do we as a couple cultivate this, nurture it, tweak it over time? Making love as 50-year-olds is going to look and feel different than making love as 23-year-olds.”  - Dr. Alexandra Solomon “Recovery from trauma is not just about sexual pain or sadness or post-traumatic stress symptoms stopping. Recovery from trauma is also about reclaiming pleasure, reclaiming your right to pleasure, reclaiming a sense of feeling safe inside of your body. I think our capacity for healing is limitless.”  - Dr. Alexandra Solomon “We think that if we're sex positive, it means that we're these super confident vixens and divas, and that we have to be up for anything. But we all struggle with this idea of, "Wait, can I be sex positive and a bit timid? Can I be sex positive and what we would call, quote-unquote, 'vanilla,' or not super interested in being kinky or pushing edges? Sex positivity basically means coming in with the idea that sex is natural and normal, and we're all sexual, and what we're interested in is not weird or pathological. It's coming in from a foundation of positivity.” - Dr. Alexandra Solomon “Sex problems in a relationship are always the responsibility of both people. It's not about figuring out whose fault the issue is. When I bring up a problem or a concern with my partner, it's about “us”. It's about, "I love us, I believe in us, I value us, which is why I want to talk about this question, observation or concern I have." It's not about throwing our partner under the bus or telling them they're doing it wrong. It's about starting from that place of, "I love us, and this matters.” - Dr. Alexandra Solomon “It's important to examine patterns in your own relationship with your sexuality and identify how things from your childhood impact your sexual relationship to yourself and others even 20 years later. Even seemingly simple things like your 6th grade sex-ed class can have an impact.” - Dr. Alexandra Solomon Guest's Links Dr. Solomon's Website  Dr. Solomon's Instagram - @dr.alexandra.solomon Dr. Solomon's Twitter - @ahsolomon Dr. Solomon's Facebook - @dralexandrasolomon Dr. Solomon's YouTube - @alexandrahs1   Books & Resources Mentioned in This Episode Reimagining Love Podcast Dr. Solomon's books: Loving Bravely & Taking Sexy Back E-Course: Marriage 101 for the Grown and Sexy   Connect with Jen! Jen's website Jen's InstagramJen's Twitter Jen's FacebookJen's YouTube   

How To Heal Relational Wounds with Dr. Alexandra Solomon THERAPIST. PROFESSOR. SPEAKER. AUTHOR. Over the last two decades, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world. Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101. In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Learn more about Dr. Ali here: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/about/ Please leave a review wherever you listen to podcasts. Reviews make a massive difference for new readers who are considering this podcast. If you are a loyal listener and you want to support this mission to inspire people to free their energy, you can subscribe here: Support The Show ————————————————————————————————————————————————————-- The Free Your Energy podcast stream on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, listen here: sylvestermcnutt.net/podcast

In today's episode, Bela discusses how to "love bravely" with Dr. Alexandra Solomon.  She is a couples therapist, a Northwestern University professor, and a brilliant mind.  In this podcast we talk about: 1) What does it take to "love bravely"? 2) Why is relational self-awareness so important? 3) How to talk to yourself (hint - if you wouldn't say something to your best friend, you shouldn't say it to yourself) 4) What are the 3 patterns we can take on from our family of origin? 5) What are the lists to make to determine what you value from your family, and what you don't? 6) Why communication is so key to love and sex 7) How to share feedback with your partner (this is SO good, and can avoid dreadful arguments) Dr. Solomon is the author of "Loving Bravely", "Taking Sexy Back", and the host of the "Reimagining Love" podcast! Join our free newsletter database by signing up here:  www.smartdatingacademy.com/contact Follow us on Instagram at @smartdatingacademy Schedule your consultation with us here!   We are on a waiting list, and would love to help you!  https://www.smartdatingacademy.com/11-coaching/coaching-call-with-bela

Today we're talking with Dr.  Alexandra Solomon. Over the last two decades, Dr. Solomon has become one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world. Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101. In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Dr. Solomon regularly presents to diverse groups that include the United States Military Academy at West Point and Microsoft, and she is frequently asked to talk about relationships with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American. Find out more about Dr. Solomon here. References from the episode:Dr. Solomon's podcast, Reimagining Love - Ten Essential Skills for Navigating Conflict: Part 1Dr. Solomon's BooksFor more information about All Secure Foundation, visit https://allsecurefoundation.org/

Relationships take a lot of work to maintain and grow in. Differences come up whether we like it or not and points of conflict can make us feel like running as far away as possible. Finding points of connection can feel like finding a needle in a haystack, but the relationship grows best when we love bravely. Married couple, Rob and Joanna Teigen, have worked through many ups and downs throughout their marriage. Join them and hosts Elisa Morgan and Eryn Eddy as they reflect on marriage and the work it takes to build healthy relationships while loving each other bravely.   About Our Guests: Rob and Joanna have celebrated over twenty-five years of marriage and are loving life with two sons, three daughters, and a beautiful daughter-in-law. They share an addiction to coffee, bookstores, and Christmas music. They debate whether two dogs are enough and who should win “The Voice” every season. Rob and Joanna are a neat-freak married to a mess, an explorer to a homebody, and an introvert to a ‘people person.' But they do agree that their vows are for always, children are a gift, and prayer is powerful. Over the years, the Teigens have lived in five states as they made their way to West Michigan. Serving as foster parents, marriage mentors, small-group leaders, and authors, they are passionate to help couples and moms and dads experience the power of God in their families. They look forward to meeting you here, supporting your pursuit of God and the hearts of your loved ones. They can't wait to grow together with you.   Notes and Quotes:  In marriage you have your individual struggles and your individual passions, but you have to figure out how to bring those together.—Rob Teigen When people ask, ‘how have you stayed married?' Sometimes the response is just, “I stayed.”—Elisa Morgan The marriage covenant may keep you together, but you can't let yourself stay there. God wants so much more for marriage.—Rob Teigen There are different seasons in marriage, but you can't let your feelings convince you they're true. —Eryn Eddy Even after thirty years of marriage, it requires continuous work.—Rob Teigen Marriage and parenting is like being in charge of someone's soul.—Rob Teigen   Verses:  1 John 5:14  1 Corinthians 13:7   Links:  God Hears Her website: https://www.godhearsher.org/ God Hears Her newsletter sign-up: https://www.godhearsher.org/signup Subscribe on iTunes! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/god-hears-her-podcast/id1511046507?utm_source=applemusic&utm_medium=godhearsher&utm_campaign=podcast Elisa's Instagram: elisa morgan author Eryn's Instagram: eryneddy Rob and Joanna Teigen's website and bookstore: https://growinghometogether.com/  

Relationships take a lot of work to maintain and grow in. Differences come up whether we like it or not and points of conflict can make us feel like running as far away as possible. Finding points of connection can feel like finding a needle in a haystack, but the relationship grows best when we love bravely. Married couple, Rob and Joanna Teigen, have worked through many ups and downs throughout their marriage. Join them and hosts Elisa Morgan and Eryn Eddy as they reflect on marriage and the work it takes to build healthy relationships while loving each other bravely.   About Our Guests: Rob and Joanna have celebrated over twenty-five years of marriage and are loving life with two sons, three daughters, and a beautiful daughter-in-law. They share an addiction to coffee, bookstores, and Christmas music. They debate whether two dogs are enough and who should win “The Voice” every season. Rob and Joanna are a neat-freak married to a mess, an explorer to a homebody, and an introvert to a ‘people person.' But they do agree that their vows are for always, children are a gift, and prayer is powerful. Over the years, the Teigens have lived in five states as they made their way to West Michigan. Serving as foster parents, marriage mentors, small-group leaders, and authors, they are passionate to help couples and moms and dads experience the power of God in their families. They look forward to meeting you here, supporting your pursuit of God and the hearts of your loved ones. They can't wait to grow together with you.   Notes and Quotes:  In marriage you have your individual struggles and your individual passions, but you have to figure out how to bring those together.—Rob Teigen When people ask, ‘how have you stayed married?' Sometimes the response is just, “I stayed.”—Elisa Morgan The marriage covenant may keep you together, but you can't let yourself stay there. God wants so much more for marriage.—Rob Teigen There are different seasons in marriage, but you can't let your feelings convince you they're true. —Eryn Eddy Even after thirty years of marriage, it requires continuous work.—Rob Teigen Marriage and parenting is like being in charge of someone's soul.—Rob Teigen   Verses:  1 John 5:14  1 Corinthians 13:7   Links:  God Hears Her website: https://www.godhearsher.org/ God Hears Her newsletter sign-up: https://www.godhearsher.org/signup Subscribe on iTunes! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/god-hears-her-podcast/id1511046507?utm_source=applemusic&utm_medium=godhearsher&utm_campaign=podcast Elisa's Instagram: elisa morgan author Eryn's Instagram: eryneddy Rob and Joanna Teigen's website and bookstore: https://growinghometogether.com/  

Since Mary is getting married soon, it's only fitting that she talks to renowned relationship psychologist Dr. Alexandra Solomon. You will learn... which green flags to look out for in your relationship how to navigate feeling like you're carrying the “emotional burden” of your relationship what it means when you say “I love you but I'm not in love with you” the key to making a relationship last long-term Follow Alexandra on Instagram: @dr.alexandra.solomon Learn more about Alexandra here: www.dralexandrasolomon.com And if you enjoyed this episode, screenshot it and share it on social media! Make sure to tag @maryspodcast and @dr.alexandra.solomon Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, a regular contributor at Psychology Today, the creator and host of the Reimagining Love podcast, and the author of Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want (February 2, 2020; New Harbinger) and Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want (2017; New Harbinger), which was featured on the TODAY show. Mentioned In This Episode... Dr. Alexandra's podcast episode with her husband Todd: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/love-stories-toddcast/

Alexandra Solomon, PhD, author of Taking Sexy Back, joins us to discuss relational and sexual self-awareness. Solomon is on faculty in the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences, and the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University. She is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and is on faculty at The Omega Institute. She is also the author of Loving Bravely. Visit our website at www.newharbinger.com and use coupon code 'Podcast25' to receive 25% off your entire order. Buy the Book: New Harbinger - https://bit.ly/3jyXujl Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684033462/ Barnes & Noble - https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/1130060024 IndieBound - https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781684033461

What should you do if someone wants to be friends, but you're not into it? Boundaries are part of all human relationships, but they are TRICKY. This week, part two of our show about boundaries - how to make them, how to keep them, and sometimes, how to breach them - with special guest Dr. Alexandra Solomon, host of Reimagining Love.   Notable quotes:  Boundaries are essentially “need negotiation” between humans. - Megan   Want your questions answered on the show? To submit your questions by voicemail, call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit megandevine.co   In this episode we cover: Starting over in a new place with new friends  Why we so often confuse boundaries with being mean or rude The power of social observation to gather data (Megan's go-to move!)  Scripts for saying “no thank you” to a potential friendship when that feels both mean and necessary   Guest Bio: Dr Alexandra Solomon is one of the most trusted voices in the world of relationships. She's a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of two bestselling books: Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. You might know her from her popular instagram channel, or from her podcast, Reimagining Love. Find her at https://dralexandrasolomon.com.    Questions to Carry with you: Discovering your existing boundaries in disguise! Plus communicating one new boundary. You've got this.    Resources:  Want to train with Dr. Solomon? Check out her current training courses at https://dralexandrasolomon.com Need a place to tell the whole truth about what you're going through? Check out the Writing Your Grief course and community, from Megan Devine. Registration for the next session is open now.  Looking for more training as you navigate grief on the job and in your life? Check out megandevine.co for upcoming workshops    Get in touch:  Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Here After with Megan Devine. Tune in, subscribe, leave a review, send in your questions, and share the show with everyone you know. Together, we can make things better, even when they can't be made right.    To submit your questions by voicemail, call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit megandevine.co For more information, including clinical training and consulting, visit us at www.Megandevine.co For grief support & education, follow us at @refugeingrief on IG, FB, & TW Check out Megan's best-selling books - It's Okay That You're Not Okay and How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What do you do when someone cuts you out of their life? How do you back away slowly from someone you really don't want to be around? Boundaries are part of all human relationships, but they are TRICKY. This week, part one of our show about boundaries - how to make them, how to keep them, and sometimes, how to breach them - with special guest Dr. Alexandra Solomon, host of Reimagining Love.   Want your questions answered on the show? To submit your questions by voicemail, call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit megandevine.co   In this episode we cover: Why relational self-awareness is the key to all good relationships Can step-parents and adult step-kids get along after a loss in the family?  Why relationships based on conscious choice are so important How to negotiate the relationship you want when the other people maybe don't want you around The difference between “letting go of outcome” and setting yourself up for success   Guest Bio: Dr Alexandra Solomon is one of the most trusted voices in the world of relationships. She's a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of two bestselling books: Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. You might know her from her popular instagram channel, or from her podcast, Reimagining Love. Find her at https://dralexandrasolomon.com.    Questions to Carry with you: Check back next week for part two of this special episode on boundaries to get your Questions to Carry With You   Resources:  Want to train with Dr. Solomon? Check out her current training courses at https://dralexandrasolomon.com Need a place to tell the whole truth about what you're going through? Check out the Writing Your Grief course and community, from Megan Devine. Registration for the next session is open now.  Looking for more training as you navigate grief on the job and in your life? Check out megandevine.co for upcoming workshops    Get in touch:  Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Here After with Megan Devine. Tune in, subscribe, leave a review, send in your questions, and share the show with everyone you know. Together, we can make things better, even when they can't be made right.    To submit your questions by voicemail, call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit megandevine.co For more information, including clinical training and consulting, visit us at www.Megandevine.co For grief support & education, follow us at @refugeingrief on IG, FB, & TW Check out Megan's best-selling books - It's Okay That You're Not Okay and How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

— “One of the great benefits of helping other people heal is that I get to witness the potency of compassion. A person shared with me a moment that had haunted her for decades. It was a circumstance where she not able to help a vulnerable person she loved. Since trauma is not in the event, it is in the body until it is resolved, then it does not matter that this moment was over 40 years ago. She was endlessly looping in empathy, which is sensing the state of another. If the person we are sensing is in a state of distress then through our mirror neurons, we feel distress. I suggested she move from empathy to compassion. Compassion is empathy + taking action to help (which can be sending our loving prayer). When we act from the desire to relieve suffering, we have moved from a passive state to an action state. The looping emotion was feeling helpless. I suggested, “Would you like to say the soothing prayer that you would have said to your person, had you been able to at the time, while I will sing caring to you.”  I sang while she sent prayers of her love, reassurance, and kindness. The transformation was beyond what I had even hoped. She immediately had a new enlivening image of delivering her love. Taking this to the next level is delivering this love to ourselves. Can we include ourselves in the circle of people who need kind words? A self-critical voice is motivated by threat, a self-compassionate voice is motivated by safety. Pay attention to what is helpful. Organize your mind around compassionate self-talk and you will see benefits to your motivation, and your physical health. It will ripple out and add warmth in your relationship. Feeling connected to ourselves opens the door to feeling connected to others. Connection is the thread that weaves social belonging.  When we have walked the long road to feeling compassion and belonging in our body, we are ready to take our next steps that uplifts human kindness. – Writes Robin Valeria Teles interviews Robin Aisha Landsong — the author of “Loving Bravely.”  She is also a Transformational Speaker, Visionary Artist, Author, and Craniosacral Therapist. During a death experience at eight years old, Robin was called back to life by the Medicine Song of her beloved African mother. Robin then became able to hear the Medicine Songs from the land and the song each person carries within.  She had a second death during the Rhodesian War in 1977. This opened her to become a Health Intuitive, and Medium. She has had the privilege to help over 14,000 people heal trauma response, transform self-criticism into self-compassion, and cultivate ancestral healing.  To learn more about Robin Aisha Landsong and her work, please visit: robinlandsong.com/subscribe-landsong     — This podcast is a quest for well-being, a quest for a meaningful life through the exploration of fundamental truths, enlightening ideas, insights on physical, mental, and spiritual health. The inspiration is Love. The aspiration is to awaken new ways of thinking that can lead us to a new way of being, being well.  

*Trigger Warning: CHILD ABUSE Emily & Meg talk through how they recognize they are ready to shift and transform to the next level. Meg opens up about her childhood and how her past shows up in her life today, even though she has done the work on healing this trauma for years. “There are signs that you are being called to transform to the next level - like shedding clothes that no longer fit you. You may have this urge to clean out your closet." “When I start crying that deep sadness, I let myself go there. It's like taking a shower from the inside out.” “You are not responsible for the hurt that was put on you, but you are responsible for healing yourself from it.” “The perpetrator is in me, so the healer must be in me too. Otherwise, I am going to carry this pain around with me for the rest of my life." “We might avoid transformation because this is hard stuff. That's why we avoid it. It brings us stuff that we have pushed away for so long.” References from the episode: The Silence of the Lambs Mark Manson Fierce Compassion For further exploration, we loved this book: Loving Bravely by Alexandra H. Soloman, PhD Original Art by Meg Miller #transformation #surrender #shame #selfcompassion #childhoodtrauma #intuition #power #selflove #awareness #witnessing #healing #podcaster #podcastersofinstagram #podcastinglife #podcastingcommunity #anchorfm #spotify #spotifypodcast #applepodcasts #personalgrowth #selfdevelopment#selfhelp #selflove #selfcare #motivation #mentalhealth #inspiration #personaldevelopment #mindfulness #selfimprovement #healing #mindset #personalgrowth #lifecoach #quotes #selfdevelopment #anxiety #positivity #success #meditation #mentalhealthawareness #motivationalquotes #spirituality #loveyourself #happiness #selfhelpbooks #psychology #life #positivevibes #selfawareness #wellbeing

What should you do if someone wants to be friends, but you're not into it? Boundaries are part of all human relationships, but they are TRICKY. This week, part two of our show about boundaries - how to make them, how to keep them, and sometimes, how to breach them - with special guest Dr. Alexandra Solomon, host of Reimagining Love. Notable quotes:  Boundaries are essentially “need negotiation” between humans. - Megan Want your questions answered on the show? To submit your questions by voicemail, call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit megandevine.co In this episode we cover: Starting over in a new place with new friends  Why we so often confuse boundaries with being mean or rude The power of social observation to gather data (Megan's go-to move!)  Scripts for saying “no thank you” to a potential friendship when that feels both mean and necessary Guest Bio: Dr Alexandra Solomon is one of the most trusted voices in the world of relationships. She's a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of two bestselling books: Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. You might know her from her popular instagram channel, or from her podcast, Reimagining Love. Find her at https://dralexandrasolomon.com.  Questions to Carry with you: Discovering your existing boundaries in disguise! Plus communicating one new boundary. You've got this.  Resources:  Want to train with Dr. Solomon? Check out her current training courses at https://dralexandrasolomon.com Need a place to tell the whole truth about what you're going through? Check out the Writing Your Grief course and community, from Megan Devine. Registration for the next session is open now.  Looking for more training as you navigate grief on the job and in your life? Check out megandevine.co for upcoming workshops  Get in touch:  Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Here After with Megan Devine. Tune in, subscribe, leave a review, send in your questions, and share the show with everyone you know. Together, we can make things better, even when they can't be made right.  To submit your questions by voicemail, call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit megandevine.co For more information, including clinical training and consulting, visit us at www.Megandevine.co For grief support & education, follow us at @refugeingrief on IG, FB, & TW Check out Megan's best-selling books - It's Okay That You're Not Okay and How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed   Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

What do you do when someone cuts you out of their life? How do you back away slowly from someone you really don't want to be around? Boundaries are part of all human relationships, but they are TRICKY. This week, part one of our show about boundaries - how to make them, how to keep them, and sometimes, how to breach them - with special guest Dr. Alexandra Solomon, host of Reimagining Love. Want your questions answered on the show? To submit your questions by voicemail, call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit megandevine.co In this episode we cover: Why relational self-awareness is the key to all good relationships Can step-parents and adult step-kids get along after a loss in the family?  Why relationships based on conscious choice are so important How to negotiate the relationship you want when the other people maybe don't want you around The difference between “letting go of outcome” and setting yourself up for success Guest Bio: Dr Alexandra Solomon is one of the most trusted voices in the world of relationships. She's a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University and the author of two bestselling books: Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. You might know her from her popular instagram channel, or from her podcast, Reimagining Love. Find her at https://dralexandrasolomon.com.  Questions to Carry with you: Check back next week for part two of this special episode on boundaries to get your Questions to Carry With You Resources:  Want to train with Dr. Solomon? Check out her current training courses at https://dralexandrasolomon.com Need a place to tell the whole truth about what you're going through? Check out the Writing Your Grief course and community, from Megan Devine. Registration for the next session is open now.  Looking for more training as you navigate grief on the job and in your life? Check out megandevine.co for upcoming workshops  Get in touch:  Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Here After with Megan Devine. Tune in, subscribe, leave a review, send in your questions, and share the show with everyone you know. Together, we can make things better, even when they can't be made right.  To submit your questions by voicemail, call us at (323) 643-3768 or visit megandevine.co For more information, including clinical training and consulting, visit us at www.Megandevine.co For grief support & education, follow us at @refugeingrief on IG, FB, & TW Check out Megan's best-selling books - It's Okay That You're Not Okay and How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed   Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

This week Becks interviews Haylee Dagget LMFT about changing the way we talk about illness. You can connect with Haylee at www.hdrelationshiptherapy.com or email her at hdrelationshiptherapy@gmail.com. The books that were referenced in the episode are "https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/loving-bravely-alexandra-h-solomon/1124807870?ean=9781626255814 (Loving Bravely)" and "https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/taking-sexy-back-alexandra-h-solomon-phd/1130060024?ean=9781684033461&aug=1 (Taking Sexy Back)" by Alexandra Soloman.

This is such a rich conversation about relationships, sex and sexuality, monogamy and love. Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is a clinical assistant professor in theDepartment of Psychology at Northwestern University, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University,  and the author of Taking Sexy Back: How to Own YourSexuality and Create the Relationships You Want (February 2, 2020; NewHarbinger) and Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the LoveYou Want (2017; New Harbinger), which was featured on the TODAY show. She is an international speaker and teacher whose work has been featured on six continents.  She is also a strong,positive resource on Instagram, where she has earned more than 160K followers to date.   Her website: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/

Find extended show notes, timestamps, transcriptions, and the episode's YouTube video https://www.shepersistedpodcast.com/podcast-episodes/ep74 (here)! Today I am joined by Dr. Alexandra Solomon a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and speaker, specializing in families, marriage, and relationships. She is a professor at Northwestern University and the author of https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626255814?ref=exp_shepersistedpodcast_dp_vv_d (Loving Bravely) and https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MT9PRPV?ascsubtag=amzn1.infl.us.product&creativeASIN=B07MT9PRPV&linkCode=ic5&ref=exp_shepersistedpodcast_dp_vv_d&tag=onamzsadiekil-20 (Taking Sexy Back). This episode provides so much value and insight applicable to any interpersonal interactions—I know you'll love It! Follow Dr. Solomon on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon Dr. Solomon's website (+ blog): https://dralexandrasolomon.com (https://dralexandrasolomon.com ) This week's DBT skill is the GIVE skill. Learn more https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/give.php (here). Dr. Solomon and I dive into the following topics…+ the difference in messaging society directs towards boys and girls regarding sexuality and relationships + how self-compassion, body image, and acceptance is connected to sexuality + sex education and how unrepresentative it can be more many demographics, beliefs, etc + what makes a relationship “healthy” and what makes communication effective in interactions + how relationships and falling in love causes us to do work on ourselves + the importance of exploring boundaries, building trust, improving communication, and having relationships as a teenager + are soulmates real—Dr. Solomon's perspective + how overburdening intimate relationships can be problematic for the relationship + being sexual vs. feeling sexualized + the impact of p*rnography on teenagers, relationships, and societal messaging + so much more! Mentioned In The Episode…+ https://www.amazon.com/dp/150112482X?ref=exp_shepersistedpodcast_dp_vv_d (Pure by Linda Kay Klein) + https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0jQz6jqQS0 (John Oliver Sex Education Episode) + Dr. Solomon's books: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626255814?ref=exp_shepersistedpodcast_dp_vv_d (Loving Bravely) and https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MT9PRPV?ascsubtag=amzn1.infl.us.product&creativeASIN=B07MT9PRPV&linkCode=ic5&ref=exp_shepersistedpodcast_dp_vv_d&tag=onamzsadiekil-20 (Taking Sexy Back) + https://makelovenotporn.tv (Make Love Not Porn) + https://erikalust.com (Erika Lust) SHOP GUEST RECOMMENDATIONS: https://amzn.to/3A69GOC (https://amzn.to/3A69GOC) EPISODE SPONSORS

Welcome back Starve the Ego Feed the Soul fam! Donorbox link to show your support for the show or buy me a coffee https://donorbox.org/nico-barrazaOver the last two decades, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world. Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101. In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Dr. Solomon regularly presents to diverse groups that include the United States Military Academy at West Point and Microsoft, and she is frequently asked to talk about relationships with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American.In this episode Dr. Solomon and I dive deeper into her ideas around building relational self-awareness (RSA) and why this is the most important thing we can be working on to live more fulfilling and joyous lives. If you have followed me for a while you know I am consistently reverting back to building self-awareness as the nexus of being better humans, partners, parents, lovers, friends, and so on. Dr. Solomon brings her amazing background as a clinical psychologist and expands on this with me in an hour long conversation that is filled with so much insight.A link to Dr. Solomon's new podcast launching this month https://dralexandrasolomon.com/podcast/Links to Dr. Solomon's E-course and books: https://dralexandrasolomon.com/train-with-alexandra/And last but not least...her social media links are belowInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/Twitter: https://twitter.com/ahsolomonFacebook:https://www.facebook.com/dralexandrasolomon/YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/alexandrahs1

Over the past few years we've been spending more time than ever with our partners, and that can have a big effect on what happens in the bedroom. So, what makes a healthy sex life? How do you deal with differences in sex drive? And what do you do when menopause puts a spanner in the works?  Cam and Ali revisit an insightful discussion with clinical psychologist Dr. Alexandra Solomon, who answers all these questions and more! LINKS Follow Dr. Alexandra Solomon @dr.alexandra.solomon Find out more at https://dralexandrasolomon.com/ Follow Cam @Camerondaddo  Follow Ali @Alidaddo Follow Nova Podcasts @novapodcastsofficial Got a question for Cam & Ali? You can email them atseparatebathrooms@novapodcasts.com.au  CREDITS Hosts: Cameron Daddo and Alison Brahe-Daddo Guest: Dr. Alexandra Solomon Managing Producer: Elle Beattie Producer and Editor: Amy Kimball Find more great podcasts like this at novapodcasts.com.au Separate Bathrooms would like to acknowledge the Gadigal people of the Eora nation, the First Peoples of the land on which we work. We acknowledge that sovereignty was never ceded, and recognise their enduring connections to country, knowledge and stories. We pay our respects to Elders past and present, and extend that respect to all First Nations people listening. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to a bonus episode of The Viall Files. Today we are joined by Dr. Alexandra Solomon. Over the last two decades, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world. Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101. In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Dr. Solomon regularly presents to diverse groups that include the United States Military Academy at West Point and Microsoft, and she is frequently asked to talk about relationships with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American.   On this episode Dr. Soloman clinically breaks down the fight between Katie and Greg, while discussing gaslighting and emotional abuse. She helps us to understand whether we saw these actions on screen and why it might be triggering to so many watching at home.  Please make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to asknick@kastmedia.com to be a part of our Monday episodes.  For merch please visit www.viallfiles.com today! Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @dr.alexandra.solomon See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today we speak to Dr Alexandra Solomon. Alexandra is a relationship psychologist and professor at Northwestern University, who wrote the books Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. In this episode, we talk about building relational self-awareness, the definition of love, and monogamy versus polyamory. Follow Alexandra: instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon Are you relationally self-aware? Take the quiz! dralexandrasolomon.com/loving-bravely-quiz/ Please do rate, review and subscribe on iTunes if you enjoy listening to our podcast! Bianca & Anna

We're back, and today we are not shying away from the REAL TALK. We have the ever-wise Dr. Alexandra Solomon,  a licensed clinical psychologist and the author of Taking Sexy Back and Loving Bravely.Three things to listen for monogamy, marriage 101 class,  and visa bills leading to sexy time.Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a clinical assistant professor at Northwestern University and a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. She is the author of Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want (New Harbinger, 2020) and Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want (New Harbinger, 2017).  She also writes a column for Psychology Today and is frequently asked to talk about love, sex, and marriage with media outlets including The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American. You can connect with her at DrAlexandraSolomon.com.Marriage 101 Course: https://courses.dralexandrasolomon.com/intimate-relationships-101/?coupon=PRESALE------------Welcome to the Love or Work Podcast, hosted by Andre Shinabarger (Physician Assistant, Grady Hospital) and Jeff Shinabarger (Social Entrepreneur and Founder of Plywood People). They are asking the question: Is it possible to change the world, stay in love, and raise a healthy family? 100 interviews where Jeff and Andre learn from other working families in the journey of marriage, purpose, and parenting.Order the Love or Work Book!Website: www.loveorwork.comInstagram: www.instagram.com/loveorworkLove or Work is a project of Plywood People.Plywood is a non-profit in Atlanta leading a community of start-ups doing good. www.plywoodpeople.com 

What is wrong with the way we as women are taught about sexuality? What are some common myths about female sexuality? What is the biggest mistake people make in relationships in terms of sex? How does social media impact sex and love today? How does pornography affect sexual relationships? What are first steps people can take to start owning their sexuality? Sexuality is something we tend to shy away from talking about as a culture. And so many women have essentially grown up thinking we are not allowed to be sexual beings. But this is so far from the truth and that's why I'm so excited about today's episode! IN THIS EPISODE: I interview an esteemed clinical psychologist, Dr. Alexandra Solomon. Dr. Solomon is a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology, adjunct faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University, and a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. She maintains a psychotherapy practice for individual adults and couples, teaches and trains marriage and family therapy graduate students, and teaches the internationally renowned undergraduate course, “Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101.” Dr. Solomon writes a column for Psychology Today and is the author of two books—Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. She is a highly sought-after speaker and is frequently asked to talk about love, sex, and marriage with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, New York Times, The Economist, Vogue, and Scientific American. Dr. Solomon lives in Chicago with her husband of 20+ years and their two teenagers. WHERE CAN YOU FIND DR. SOLOMON? TEDx talk speaker AUTHOR: - Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want - Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want - WEBSITE: www.dralexandrasolomon.com - IG: @dr.alexandra.solomon - TWITTER: @AHSolomon - FACEBOOK: Dr. Alexandra Solomon WHERE CAN YOU FIND ME? Schedule a complimentary consult with me here: Mahan Health Subscribe to my newsletter for recipes, blog posts, and updates! Subscribe to my YouTube channel Follow me on Instagram Follow me on Facebook Follow me on Twitter Connect with me on LinkedIn *This podcast is not meant to serve as medical advice. Please speak to your healthcare provider before making any changes to your own personal health.

In the inaugural episode of Line of Work, I am joined by Dr. Alexandra Solomon to talk about her work as a licensed clinical psychologist and professor at Northwestern University. She's also the author of two books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back, and teaches an internationally renowned course called “Marriage 101: Building Loving and Lasting Relationships” at Northwestern. We chat about her path through academia and into practice, teaching, and balancing family and career. Check out her books here: https://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/book/

Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist, professor at Northwestern University, and bestselling author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, and Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationship You Want. She has been featured in the Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American.In this episode we cover:-The cycles of love: connection, disconnection and repair-Why love is a classroom + what we can learn when we're paying attention-What re-seeing, re-finding and resetting is and how it impacts us-The emotional risk of dating and how we can navigate it-How COVID may have influenced our relationships-Why asking and speaking up is so critical for relationship health& lots more***@dr.alexandra.solomonwww. dralexandrasolomon.com***Did you enjoy this episode? Hit SUBSCRIBE + SHARE THE LOVE by leaving a short review.

Alexandra Solomon, PhD, is a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, a regular contributor to Psychology Today, and the author of TAKING SEXY BACK: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want as well as LOVING BRAVELY: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, which was featured on the TODAY show. She is an international speaker and teacher whose work has been featured on five continents.   Relationships, sexuality, sexual education, sexual self awareness, and female pleasure are all hot topics on the RP Podcast, and Dr. Alexandra offers another incredible voice to this conversation.   Key topics covered in today's episode: Sexual education Open relationships Importance of self pleasure How to communicate in relationships The impact of porn on relationships   Moments: 8:18 - Relationships and sex during quarantine 11:20 - Why we take touch for granted 14:26 - Reclaiming your sexuality  23:24 - The challenge of connecting with our sexuality 30:00 - Sex is an experience, not a performance 37:24 - Is there a place for porn in a relationship? 43:20 - Difference between male and female sexual power 48:10 - Challenges in sexual education for children 53:50 - Discussion on open relationships   Quotes:   “How do you want to make contact? That's such an important lesson. It's micro, but it lays the foundation for all kinds of self awareness later on.”   “Desire is tricky, expansive, and doesn't have rules.”   Want to connect with Dr. Alexandra? IG: @dr.alexandra.solomon http://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/ Grab your copy of TAKING SEXY BACK   -----------------------------------------   WANT TO BE COACHED ON THE PODCAST? APPLY HERE for a chance to get a 60 min coaching session with Julianne!   FREEBIES: Knowing where to start can be overwhelming. Here you'll find a FREE GUIDE to support yourself in every area of Julianne's founded Goddess Approach™ Methodology… » Pump Up The Pleasure (How To Get Started Feeling Confident x Sexy With Self Pleasure) » Gut Guide (3 holistic gut healing hacks for amazing digestion, clear skin, & a happy mind) » Seed Cycling 101 (The top holistic strategy for regulating your cycle & kicking PMS symptoms) » Sweet x Salty Chocolate Coconut Cups (A healthy & super easy recipe to satisfy that sweet tooth) Click here to grab them all!     To learn more about Julianne's proven 5 Phase Methodology, the Goddess Approach™ -- CLICK HERE! There's more than one way to start your reclamation process

What does science have to say about the connection between love and sex? What is the golden equation of love? How do we better our sexual self-awareness? Learn the answer to these questions and more in this in this week's episode of the Learn to Love Podcast, where your host Zach Beach interviews professor, clinical psychologist, writer, and author, Dr. Alexandra Solomon. Learn more about your guest below: Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, a regular contributor at Psychology Today, and the author of Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want and Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, which was featured on the TODAY show. Learn more at * http://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/ * https://www.facebook.com/dralexandrasolomon/ * https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon/ * https://www.linkedin.com/in/alexandra-solomon-94706b37/ * https://twitter.com/ahsolomon * https://www.youtube.com/user/alexandrahs1 Learn more about your host and the show at: www.zachbeach.com www.the-heart-center.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/learntolovenow Join the Community group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1428012130828678/

This week's episode is about love and relationships in the midst of Coronavirus.  We're all staying at home a lot more.  And our most intimate relationships can be feeling the strain of our current life stressors.  How do we move through, and thrive, during this time, with our spouses and intimate partners? Enter my expert guest: Dr. Solomon.  Dr. Solomon gives some great tips for how to cope with and relate well to our partners as we are all with each other so much more these days.   Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD. Dr. Solomon is a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University; as well she is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University.  Dr. Solomon is also a regular contributor to Psychology Today magazine and the author of two books:  Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want (2017; New Harbinger) This book was featured on the Today Show! Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Creat the Relationships You Want (Feb. 2, 2020; New Harbinger) Dr. Solomon is also an international speaker and teacher whose work has been featured on six continents.  You can find her online at: www.DrAlexandraSolomon.com    

Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, a regular contributor at Psychology Today, and the author of Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want (February 2, 2020; New Harbinger) and Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want (2017; New Harbinger), which was featured on the TODAY show. She is an international speaker and teacher whose work has been featured on six continents. In this podcast we talk about : - How our developmental years play out in our adult lives - The un-met childhood needs - The un-parented traumas that we carry with ourselves - How we can manage our childhood traumas Dr. Solomon's Social Media Handles: Website: dralexandrasolomon.com Instagram: @dr.alexandra.solomon Facebook: @dralexandrasolomon Twitter: @ahsolomon LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alexandra-solomon-94706b37/

On Sunday, Oct. 13, 2019, Rev. Molly Housh Gordon preached on “Loving Bravely.” Rev. Molly invites us to explore together how we live through the spiraling dance of love and fear, discern the difference between discomfort  and  danger,  and  expand  our  comfort zones so that we can draw the circles of love and compassion in […]

Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is the author of Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want (February 2, 2020; New Harbinger) and Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want (2017; New Harbinger), which was featured on the TODAY show. Alexandra lives in the greater Chicago area, where she is a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University. She is also a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, a regular contributor at Psychology Today and an international speaker and teacher whose work has been featured on five continents. In this episode, we touch on sexual self-awareness, sexual curiosity, understanding the messages and gendered stories we've been taught, the difference between gender vs. sex assigned at birth, self-compassion, letting go of sexual shame and past narratives, gender neutral parenting, and much more.FOLLOW ALEXANDRA:INSTA: @dr.alexandra.solomonWEBSITE: www.dralexandrasolomon.comTEDx TALK: Relational Self-Awareness: The Key to Navigating Modern LoveCONTACT TARA:INSTA: @tara.mont / @trustandthriveYOUTUBE: Tara MontFACEBOOK: bit.ly/FBtaramontWEBSITE: www.tara-mont.comEMAIL: tara@tara-mont.com

What turns you on, and what turns you off? How do you get past the messages about sex that have been handed to you by others - to discover your own personal sexuality that emerges from within? How do you own your deepest desires - and then communicate them to your partner in a way that stands the best chance of having them be realized? In today’s episode, we’re having a return visit from Dr. Alexandra Solomon, author of the new book Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want. Our conversation will help you take your intimacy to a whole new level, so that your relationships can be satisfying in and out of the bedroom. And, as always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you.  Join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it!  Also - check out our first episode with Alexandra Solomon about her first book, Loving Bravely (Episode 142). Sponsors: Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. Resources:  Check out Alexandra Solomon's website Read Alexandra Solomon’s latest book: Taking Sexy Back Read Alexandra Solomon’s other book, Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) www.neilsattin.com/sexy Visit to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Alexandra Solomon. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. Let's talk some more about sex today, and I think it's really important, if for no other reason than the statistic that I'm pulling out of the book written by today's guest, that when you have a successful sex life with your partner, that accounts for say 15-20% of your overall happiness quotient. I'm sure I'm not using the exact term there, but when you have a dissatisfying sexual life with your partner, that can account for 50-75% of your dissatisfaction in your marriage, if I got that statistic right. Neil Sattin: So, just think about that for a minute. If you're unhappy in the way that you're connecting sexually with your partner, or with your partners, then that's going to cause potentially a lot of distress for you. And what's at the root often of our dissatisfaction is the very foundation that we have, the way that we see ourselves as sexual beings, the way we operate in the world, the scripts that have been handed us and that we're enacting either consciously or unconsciously, or that we're trying to live up to, that can so often be a source of, not only unhappiness, but the sense of disconnection from who you actually are as a sexual being in the world, and that brings with it a whole host of things like shame or even just questions, self-judgment, and ultimately, potentially dissatisfaction in terms of your relationships. Neil Sattin: So, let's tackle this head on and talk about how to reclaim and restructure who you are as a sexual being with today's esteemed guest. She's been with us on the show before, her name is Dr Alexandra Solomon, she's a professor at Northwestern and also a clinical psychologist who works with individuals and couples. Last time she was here, she was talking about her book, Loving Bravely, and if you wanna hear that episode, you can visit www.neilsattin.com/bravely and it is episode number 142, if you're just flipping through your podcast app. And she's here today to talk about her new book, which is called Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want. It's a book written primarily for women and, at the same time, it has so much valuable stuff in it in terms of no matter where you are on the gender spectrum to reframe how you think about your sexuality and how you reclaim it for yourself. Neil Sattin: As usual, we will have a transcript for today's episode. You can download it by visiting www.neilsattin.com/sexy. That one's not gonna be hard to remember. And as always, you can text the word passion to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. So let's dive right in, Alexandra Solomon. It's such a treat to have you back with us here on Relationship Alive. Alexandra Solomon: It's so nice to be with you, thank you. Neil Sattin: Yeah, let's talk... Let's just first unearth, there's something unusual about Taking Sexy Back, which is that you've taken the word sexy and you've made it a noun, and I'm wondering if you can explain what I'm even talking about and maybe explain your choice around that so that it will make sense as we move through this conversation. Alexandra Solomon: Yes, so one of the first central ideas in this book is that there is a world of difference between being sexy and being sexual, so women have been taught and trained to either be sexy or to be afraid of being sexy, of being too sexy, not sexy enough, and that for women that word is oftentimes a question. Do you find me sexy? It's a question posed in the gaze of another, and when that is the lens through which one experiences one's sexuality, then sex becomes a performance, a sort of earning of that sense that you find me worthy, adequate, good, and it's different than being sexual. Sexual is a cultivation from the inside of my own connection with the erotic that I generate within me and then share with a partner. And so, in this book, we are taking sexy back, we're taking back the idea of sexy, and it becomes, as you said, a noun. So this book really is couple's therapy between the reader and her sexy, her sexuality, her sexual self. And the questions are: How well do you know that aspect of you? Do even know that is an aspect of you? What is that aspect of you wanting, yearning, in what ways is it hurting, and what needs to be kind of unearthed and processed? So, throughout the book, it is about really understanding and listening from within to that part of self that I think women are typically told really isn't theirs or shouldn't be looked at; good girls don't look at that. So, it's a reframing, and as you're saying, it's a reclamation, a taking back. Neil Sattin: Right, and you talk about that being torn. And this is probably familiar for a lot of people who are listening, that you can be torn between wanting to really own your sexuality, but if you do that too much, then that also creates a shift potentially in how people see you, and so there's this burden of like how do you own your sexuality without it stigmatizing you? Alexandra Solomon: Exactly, right. That sort of razor-thin line between being perceived as prudish and being, God forbid, slutty. So this sort of razor-thin line that, again, keeps a woman from connecting with herself. It becomes this sort of question of how am I being perceived. And the moment that's the focus, it cuts us off from being able to experience pleasure, experience mindfulness, articulate a boundary that is really from a place of truth rather than fear, and so then the entire possibility of cultivating a sex life that is healing, rewarding, connecting, uplifting, life-affirming is impossible 'cause there's no foundation to start from. Neil Sattin: Right. Can you just talk for a minute about where this book was born from? And maybe the ways that you've seen women confront problems in terms of being disconnected from their sexuality? From their sexy? And what that process of reclamation looks like for them? Alexandra Solomon: This book was born from a number of places. It was born from, I think, the way in which in my training as a licensed clinical psychologist and a couples therapist, I think the models that I was taught, were that when you're sitting with a couple, help them talk more nicely to each other, help them argue less, and then the sex will follow. You don't have to directly talk about sex. And there's a way in which that paradigm reinforced, I think, a message that I carried within me for a long time, that sex is not a polite topic. It really shouldn't be talked about or looked at, and if you're curious about it, something is wrong with you. So I think there were ways in which that message from my field kind of reinforced what I had done to myself my whole life, of just feeling like I'm feeling simultaneously fascinated by this entire world and topic, and then feeling like that wasn't really polite [chuckle] to be interested in or fascinated about. And so my own evolution of wanting to integrate love and sex within the work I do with couples, within my own life, and then just the work that I've done at Northwestern with graduate students and undergraduate students and being smacked again and again with my awareness of how inadequate sex education in our country is. Alexandra Solomon: And how my students are sitting in front of me and I would give a lecture in my Marriage 101 course about sex, and basically invite them into this idea that sex is simultaneously a behavior, it's a thing that we do, instead of erotically-charged behaviors, and it's also this really powerful gateway into some of the most profound longings and questions that we have as humans. And just even that notion was radical to many of my students who had only ever talked about sex as something that is dangerous, dirty, forbidden, fearful, or titillating, and really central, but not this sort of whole-hearted aspect of self and aspect of relationship, and so all of that kind of created this. And I think, also, the fact that we are living through this massive upheaval around gender and power with the Me Too Movement. And so I think it was this coming together of all of this where this book basically wouldn't leave me alone. [chuckle] Like, I felt like I chose to write Loving Bravely, and I felt like this book was like, "Are you ready now? Can we go now? Can you just... " And it became easier to just sit down and create the table of contents than it was to just keep forestalling it. Neil Sattin: Right, right, but yeah... [overlapping conversation] Alexandra Solomon: It felt really urgent. It felt really urgent to me. Neil Sattin: Yeah. And I think that's so true. I'm so glad your book was birthed and is... And by the time you're listening to this interview, it will be out. It's coming out February 2nd, Groundhog's Day of 2020. So you'll be able to get it. And yeah, it is such an important conversation because those scripts that have been handed to us around sexuality and the ways that our lack of education has gotten in the way, perhaps, of really getting in touch with who we are sexually, and not having a culturally accepted way of just exploring together 'cause so much sexuality has to happen behind closed doors and often in secret. We pretend it's not happening, but it's obviously happening. And so inviting the conversation into the public space, and one thing that I really love about your book, Taking Sexy Back, is that you explore all of these different dimensions of connecting into who you are as a sexual being. And each of those is a great gateway into understanding yourself in a new way, and then stepping forward into sexual connection with others with that new knowledge. Alexandra Solomon: Yes, exactly, exactly. And it's not about, like there is... In the book we really are looking at, as you're saying, these scripts and these highly gendered scripts. And it's not about blaming or finger pointing or, God forbid, male bashing or any of that. It's not that at all. The ways in which we're given these gendered messages cut all of us off from living wholeheartedly and fully. I just couldn't tackle all of it in one book, but you could speak to this like as a boy and a man. Boys and men are given horrific messages around their own sexuality. And it's what drives me crazy about these dress code laws that schools are... Rules that schools will do. This idea that girls' shorts have to be this length and girls' tank tops straps have to be this width. Alexandra Solomon: And one of the things it does is it reinforces this idea, this message to boys, that your sexuality is so dangerous and so out of control that the world has to be protected from you or from the power of your sexual energy, versus teaching boys that they, sure, erotic energy courses through you but here's how you ground it and here's how you harness it, and here's how you boundary it, and here's how you treat it with respect. And if those were the tools that we gave to boys... I think that's just... I don't know. I haven't grown up in this lifetime in the masculine, so I didn't have those messages, but I don't know what that does. And that was the early messages that you were given, was this fear of being perceived as creepy or dangerous. I just think it's all problematic and it keeps people coming... Whether it's male bodies or female bodies or one of each coming together, it keeps those bodies from coming together in a way where each person can feel integrated and ready to step into that space of intimacy and closeness. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I mean that's why I think your book is a valuable resource for whoever on the... Wherever you are on the spectrum. I did find myself reading it and nodding for each chapter and being like, "Yeah, guys need this just as much." And that's been definitely a journey for me as an adult has been reclaiming my own desires, my end, and where those things emerge at different places on the spectrum as well. In what you were just describing, I was just thinking about, yeah, how men in many cases need to learn how to be in touch with their bodies and with receptivity in sex and really being attuned and because they're so conditioned to be pursuers and achievers throughout life, but definitely in the sexual realm as well. And for women, I think part of that reclaiming is also being willing to engage in seizing your desire and owning it and being willing to do that just like any guy would. And we're wrestling, of course, with what's culturally acceptable, back to the very first thing we were talking about. But how beautiful it can be when two people come together and each person owns who they are, what they want, what their fears are, what their desires are, what feels good, what doesn't feel good, and when they can do it in a way that doesn't judge the other. I mean, we all need that when we're in the bedroom. Alexandra Solomon: That's right, that's right, that's right. And it makes sense that we have gotten stuck because the information has gotten stuck. One of the things that was so interesting in the research for the book was to look at this book couldn't have been written 20 years ago because we've had a burgeoning of science around female sexuality. So we, for years, remain willfully ignorant about female sexual anatomy even. So medical anatomy textbooks would blur out the clitoris and it wasn't fully mapped, fully imaged until really, really recently, like 20 years ago recently. So it was the clitoris was thought of as this little button when, in fact, it's this larger structure that extends deep into the body and the potential for pleasure is incredible. In fact, that's the only job that the clitoris has is pleasure. And so, what might be different if a woman came into her sexuality knowing that and honoring it, and what if then sexual scripts were built to really honor that part of a woman's body in a way that the traditional heterosexual script, which we as a culture have really held up one particular sex act, we've held up penetrative sex as the most sex in sort of this hierarchy of sex acts. Alexandra Solomon: We learn it on the playground in elementary school, first base and second base and third base and home run. So this whole kind of script around how far you're trying to get and how far you're going with this goal being penetrative sex, which the research shows tends to not be the most orgasm producing part of the realm of sexual behaviors because it's not the most... It doesn't maximize clitoral stimulation potentially. For some women it does, for others it doesn't. But just this idea that if we only have one story line, what are we limiting for any of the bodies in the bedroom? As you're saying, men exploring receptivity and not having to be in charge and not having to perform and having their own... Being not so limited by the ideas of what they ought to be doing in the bedroom and... So just the opportunity to deconstruct all of that and challenge it and push back a little bit is really important and really healing. Alexandra Solomon: And that's what we found. I had this amazing team of graduate students and undergraduate students with me as we were researching and writing, and we moved through a lot of sadness, a lot of anger at the limits that have been put on people's experiences. And then to connect the loop back to what you said in the beginning, that it affects our relationships. If we can't cultivate erotic connection in our intimate relationships, they're going to suffer. Having a really fun sex life kind of buffers a couple against the storms and the annoyances and the irritations of partnership. Neil Sattin: Right, right. Just one thing that came up for me about that question of anatomy and how we've learned that. I did wanna mention for you listening, that way back, this is one of my earliest episodes, episode 23, we had Sheri Winston on the show, she wrote Women's Anatomy of Arousal. So that's another great doorway into this question of how does feminine sexuality work and also what is literally happening, like what parts are there to work with and to enjoy? So it's so important to increase your awareness of what's there and how it operates and to not be driven by old stories, like the love button, or what you see in porn, which is, again, occasionally informative, but it's not designed to be informative generally. So there are some genres of porn that are probably better for what we're talking about here. But that's probably not the majority of them at this moment. You'd have to seek it out, I would think. The feminist porn and... Alexandra Solomon: Exactly, exactly. Right. At the back of the book, there's a resource guide and we did include some feminist, ethical, carefully curated erotic places for erotic materials. 'Cause, right. You're right. You can't paint it with a broad brush. But it's a very different era of erotic materials. We're living in free streaming 24/7 porn. And a lot of it isn't, as you're saying, created with intentionality in mind and really honoring the science of women's bodies, the realities of women's bodies. And that can be another then force of restriction, that it looks like I should like this behavior and I don't like this behavior. How do I reconcile that? And often times the way we reconcile it is thinking something's wrong with us. Feeling ashamed. Neil Sattin: Right. You mentioned someone in your book that you were working with who really wanted to like hook-up culture. And she came to you with this mission of there's something going on. Like this culture surrounds me, and maybe would it be helpful if you explain what you mean by hook-up culture versus conscious, casual sex culture or all the different possibilities there. But you talk about how she was really unhappy and came to you wanting to figure out if there was a way to be happy in that world. So let's start there maybe. Alexandra Solomon: Sure. So hook-up culture is a term that we associate oftentimes with college campuses and the idea that oftentimes physical intimacy, sexual intimacy comes first and then emotional intimacy is retrofitted, so that people are finding each other sexually. Oftentimes, hook-ups are alcohol-fueled, not a ton of communication. And there's a sense, there's sort of an aura or a sense or a feeling that you should like it. You should like that and you kinda have to like it. And in fact, it's the only pathway into intimate relationship. And so the student was... In the first book, we work with a name, connect, chose, process. So she's trying so hard to use this change process to make herself go from hating hook-ups. In fact, she would hook up with a guy at a party and then go home and wash her lips or anywhere he had touched her. Alexandra Solomon: Just felt really dirty and awful. And so she was trying so hard to move, what she thought she needed to do is move through the discomfort, so she'd get good at this thing that in her mind, and I think in the minds of lots of young people, you should be good at, like you should be able to do this. The idea is that it is sexual liberation or it just is necessary, it's what you have to do. What I wanted her to do really was honor the wisdom of her body. Her body was communicating to her so clearly; feeling her lips were numb afterwards. The data could not be clearer that she was really overriding something powerful inside of her body. And in fact, the research around hook-up culture shows that young people are tolerating it, but not really reveling in it, not really deeply, deeply enjoying it. It just feels like it's a necessary pathway. Alexandra Solomon: But I do make a distinction between hooking up and then conscious, casual sex, 'cause there are times in a person's life where that really might be a beautiful, healing, necessary time. But what it has to be founded with... Create a foundation of an understanding of where are our boundaries, what are we both interested in, what are we each available for. So a really lovely, conscious, casual, sexual experience needs to have that kind of co-created understanding of what's the space that we're entering into. And so we spend a lot of time in the book helping people just feel entitled to understanding their own motivation and distinguishing that and the choice of fear versus love. "I choose to hook up 'cause I'm afraid there's nothing else for me," or "I'm afraid I am weird if I don't like hooking up," versus love, "Choosing something 'cause I really want it. It feels great to me. It's a space of learning and healing and play and escape." Neil Sattin: Right, right. I've enjoyed your framing of it in the book. At first it kinda jarred me. I was like, "Oh, no. You're taking a stand for love. Like sex has to be about love? What are you talking about, Alexandra?" [chuckle] Neil Sattin: But then, what you just explained, that if we're talking about the paradigm that we operate from and are we choosing things because we're afraid that if we say no to sex with this person in this moment, we're gonna suffer some consequence, versus being in a more love-centered place where you're focused on what brings you joy in the world and what enlivens you. Yeah, I would love for every single person to have those kinds of experiences be the foundation of how they connect with other people sexually. Alexandra Solomon: Right, right. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Alexandra Solomon: And sometimes we don't know until we know. So in the book, we also talk about FGOs, which I call these fucking growth opportunities, where it's just like, "Oh, that is not my best pathway". Sometimes we have to do it in a way that leaves us feel... That's just... And so I think around sexuality, around this unfolding story of who we are sexually, there has to be a ton of self-compassion. Just a lot of gentleness about, "Okay, so that didn't work for me. What do I wanna learn from that and what do I want to know going forward?" Neil Sattin: Right, right. Yeah, can we just give everyone in this moment the permission to make mistakes? And I'm making the little quotey things around "mistakes" because I think what you're pointing to is that most of these things aren't actual mistakes, they are opportunities that we have to learn about ourselves. And there is that aspect of sexuality where there are some things that you're only gonna learn relationally, you're only gonna learn it when you're with another person and experiencing something. It can't all happen... A lot can happen in the privacy of your room. But not all... Not all of it. Alexandra Solomon: That's right. That's right. Neil Sattin: So that being said, let's dive in a little bit to what can we do on our own? What are some of those gateways that we were talking about earlier? And physical, developmental, emotional, mental. So, I'm thinking of those pathways in so that everyone listening can have a sense of like, "Alright, how do I enter into this way of reclaiming who I am sexually?" What are some places to start? Alexandra Solomon: Right. I think, so the reason that I organized the book the way that I did, with these seven different realms, is that we have different... We all have different journeys, we all have different places where we get locked up, so our work is to find areas where we feel blocked, constrained, where shame lives, where inhibition lives, where fear lives. And it might be different for different people, like on my team. So, one of the seven realms is spirituality. For some people, their early religious training, they receive shame loaded messages that can really, really get in the way of feeling permission to just be who you are, as you are. And so, for one member of my team, the work on that chapter was very, very powerful for her. She identified a lot of ways in which she was felt hurt by her early religious training, how it created shame inside of her. And for another gal, who grew up in China without any religion, it really didn't speak to her. She could kind of resonate with this idea of sex as being a spiritual experience, and being something that is sort of transcendent and can tap us into those big feelings of whatever, one-ness, and... Neil Sattin: Yeah, union. Alexandra Solomon: Connection to... Yeah, but that was... For her, that was more about nature rather than anything we had to do with a spirituality or a religion. So, but another chapter for her was really where she identified that her shame loaded stories lived. And so, there are these seven different realms where we may find some work that we need to do to kind of identify a block and then heal it. So, that was why we organized the book the way the way that we do, 'cause we're just... There's so much diversity in how we show up sexually and what's challenging for us. And I think for a lot of us, the chapter about physical was important because what's clear is sometimes body image stuff can get in the way. We're in, we've got a great partner, we have a partner who is ready to connect with us and create experiences that are pleasurable, and we end up locked in our own heads because we are very, very, very self-critical about our bodies. And that makes sense because there are entire industries that I built on selling us the idea that we are not thin enough, fit enough, whatever enough, and those messages come with us into the bedroom, especially when we're naked and exposed and feeling vulnerable. And so, that can... Those scripts in our... The tapes that play in our head about our hips, or our stomach, whatever it is, sort of body image ones can be a source of inhibition and can really block a sense that we're entitled to feeling good in the bodies that we live in. Neil Sattin: So, let's just assume that almost everyone has something about their body that is like that for them. Where would we start? What kinds of questions would we ask? Or how would we get to the heart of the ways that we feel shame about our physical bodies and take some new steps around that? Alexandra Solomon: I think it can be helpful to develop that kind of a critical eye towards realizing that these messages about our bodies are designed to make us feel insecure so that we buy a product or do a thing that we sort of then, when we just mind mindlessly internalize that message, we are perpetuating that whole cycle. So, there's a way in which a sort of a feminist consciousness can inoculate us against those messages so that when the thought comes up in our heads, we can let it go and come back to something that is more self-compassionate. I think mindfulness... So, the researcher who wrote the forward to the book, Dr. Lori Brotto was based in Canada, and she was really troubled by this finding that almost half of women, especially partnered women, struggle with low sexual desire, and she created a mindfulness training program. She simply taught women mindfulness skills and then invited them to use those skills in the bedroom. So, sometimes it's as simple as noticing the thought come up. "How do my hips look right now?" for example. And then just knowing, "Oh, that's a thought. That's a thought." And sort of letting it pass over and then coming back to sensation. So, mindfulness can be a really powerful tool towards helping us notice a troubling thought, and then let it go and come back to, "I'm entitled to this. I'm entitled to feeling good. I'm allowed to feel good in this body that I live in". And that can be a helpful shift. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah and you're pointing to a degree of presence in the bedroom. I love how we keep talking about the bedroom, 'cause it could be the kitchen or the living room or a public park. Take precautions if there are cops around, be careful. But you have to be able to stay within you and to notice what's actually happening for you in a moment like that. So, maybe some of these things around body image are even easier, at least initially, privately, just in front of a mirror, which I think for some of us can also be challenging, to stand in front of a mirror naked and look at yourself and take in the whole picture. Alexandra Solomon: Right, right. Yeah. And just... There's a way in which I think it's really helpful to grieve, to grieve that I have been doing this around my body for so many years. Or to feel really... Let ourselves feel really sad that the only way... There's a beautiful poem in the book by Holly Holden that is just basically an invitation to just being really gentle with our body, really honoring it as this physical home, the source of delight, of sensation, of connection, and I think that's a practice. My gosh, I think that's a practice and I don't think we're ever done. I think those old stories about how we should look, and then whatever we think we've figured out, we get a little older and the body changes. It's like this constant journey towards self love isn't done, but I think we can get... We can start to get savvier about noticing that I'm doing that to myself again. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, I have an interesting story about that. Something that happened with me recently, that's actually not about sex at all, but realizing a place where I had internalized some beliefs. I've spoken a bit on the show, off and on, about my own tendencies to be a little chaotic in terms of how I keep house. And I had this realization that every time I saw a pile of something, that I would have an internal message that would say, "There's something wrong with you." Just that pile means there's something wrong with you that you cannot keep your... And it might be a pile all of amazing books that I'm reading for the podcast, but the fact that it's there and these books aren't in my bookshelf or whatever it is. And what a difference it has made to me since realizing that, of seeing a pile and simply saying, "There's nothing wrong with you." Like, this pile doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. And in fact, and I think this is the turn towards self-compassion, it's like, in fact, there's nothing wrong with you. Look at all these amazing books that you have to read, just to use that example. Neil Sattin: So, being able to look in the mirror and look and see your hips, or whatever part of your body it is, and say, "Oh wow, I'm looking at this part of me and thinking there's something wrong with me." What is it like to just be like, "There's nothing wrong with you," and, "What is there to celebrate about this?" or "How can I embrace the part of me that's judging me, and offer that part some tenderness?" Like, oh, maybe there's even some grieving there. Not just in how we do it to ourselves, but this is who I am, and I'm not that person that I see on TV, or in the porn movie, or walking... My next door neighbor, whoever we're judging ourselves against. To be able to be like, "Okay, that's not me. And now, how do I turn to celebrate who I am and what I have to offer?" Alexandra Solomon: Yeah, yep, yep. And this illusion that I will feel more, I will feel more X, I will feel more desirable, I will feel more competent if I lose five more pounds, if I have five fewer piles. This idea, we end up putting this idea that I'm gonna feel okay once I do that thing that's out there, and it's a road to nowhere. Every time I have held up one of those ideas for myself, I'm gonna feel better once this thing happens, I get there and it doesn't happen. I just come up with a new thing. It's a hamster wheel. And so, that is really radical and revolutionary, to just find a sense of wholeness right now, with the pile, with the curvy hips, [chuckle] whatever the thing is. It's just, find that sense of I am worthy as I am right now, because that's the only place, to circle back to sex, that's the only place from which we can feel entitled to pleasure. I can only feel entitled to pleasure if I... Allowing myself to feel okay is what then opens me to say, "Okay, I can be with my partner, and let my partner help me feel really good." Or put myself out there to find a partner that I can do that with. I can only... That's... And it's not... I don't know, it's not... It's just a practice, it's coming back to... I find it helpful to say, "That's my trauma, not my truth." When that stuff comes up, that's my trauma, that's my trauma telling me that I'm awful at this, or this is not enough, or this is... And then coming back, it's trauma, it's not truth. Neil Sattin: Right, and those are glorious moments, really, when you see it happening. And so, when you've witnessed that for yourself, those are the golden opportunities. Maybe they're FGGOs, the fucking golden growth opportunities, like where it's happening right there and you get to see like, "Oh, I carry this with me." Or, "This is how I judge myself." Or, "This is how I choose partners who reinforce this negative belief system instead of partners who celebrate me." 'Cause how often does that happen, where we choose people who are unconsciously, probably, reinforcing the ways that we judge ourselves? Alexandra Solomon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's maybe an important piece, too, I think for women who are partnered with men, I think that men have... Men didn't... Any individual man didn't create these wounds. Hopefully, I think. In abusive relationships, certainly that does happen, but I think a man can be such a powerful ally to a woman, and so, I think that there is a piece about around some of this body image stuff or just that kind of affirmation of, "I'm just... I don't view you that way. I don't want... When I'm making love to you, I'm not... Just so you know that you may be doing this to yourself, but I'm not doing that to you." And that can be lovely. It can't be the whole thing, 'cause shame is about my relationship to me, but having a partner who is affirmative or who just even acknowledges, "That doesn't even cross my mind. I don't think about your body in that way when we're together," can just be a little icing on the cake. It can't be the whole thing. A man can't, any partner can't out-love, can't love us out of our shame, but a partner can certainly be with us and say, "Okay, I hear that you're doing that to yourself, but I don't do that to you, I don't treat you that way. Alexandra Solomon: And there's something very powerful when it is in a heterosexual dyad, men who are willing to kind of bear witness to that. That's why I wrote a chapter at the end for an open letter to men whose partners have read this book, whether that's maybe male allies of or male partners, intimate partners, just about... It's hard, I think it's hard, as we kind of reset the balance around this painful historical patriarchal old stuff, as we try to heal that and reset the balance, there's a beautiful opportunity for men to step in as allies. They can't fix this, but they could certainly be allies. Neil Sattin: Yeah, that chapter I think is a beautiful invitation to how to be curious, how to... And how to show up as an ally, instead of doing things unwittingly that are detrimental when you're faced with vulnerability. And I also like that it's an invitation, that chapter, to the kind of thing that we've been naming, which is that everyone probably has a place where they can come to understand themselves a little bit better in this way as well and to question what's been handed to them. So interesting, so much of this really is shame reduction in some ways, like unearthing those places and going through the process of getting rid of it. I wanna name... I was reminded of this when you were talking about religious perspectives on sex, and one thing that you mentioned in your book is a study that someone did. Justin, I don't know how you pronounce his last name, Lehmiller, is that? Alexandra Solomon: Yes. Neil Sattin: Yeah. About the kinds of fantasies that people tend to have. And these are fantasies that people have no matter what their upbringing is though as I name them it will be obvious like why they might cause some conflicts for people, but I wanna name these so that you know that other people are thinking about this kind of thing, so you don't have to feel bad. Alexandra Solomon: 95%, sorry. 95% of people. So he found... The first thing he found is that 95% of people had sexual fantasies. So it is normal to have sexual fantasies. Okay, go. Neil Sattin: Okay. So the first one is multi-partner sex, like threesomes and orgies. The second is power, control and rough sex. The third is novelty, adventure, and variety, like things you've never tried, unique settings, having sex in public. The fourth is taboo and forbidden sex, like watching people have sex, licking someone's feet, having people watch you. The fifth is sharing partners and non-monogamous relationships. These are the top five. It took us all the way to number six to get passion and romance fantasy. So that's down toward the bottom of the list, and then we have erotic flexibility, like gender-bending and cross-dressing. And this is no matter who you are, that people are having fantasies like this. So I hope in hearing this list you realize like, "Oh my God, there's so much that we are not talking about," and why I think it's so important to have this space to talk about these things. Yeah, go ahead. Alexandra Solomon: And just to kind of... There's this both and of our erotic imaginations are potentially really wild, broad, deep, expansive and we may in our lives not inhabit all that breadth and width. So those are two... That's a both and. That we can be expansive and show up with one partner. So maybe our fantasies become things we translate into real life and maybe not. But just the ability to tolerate, "Wow, my sexuality is really big and wide and curious." That's a piece of healing, rather than shutting it down, 'cause the moment we start to shut things down and quarantine them off, that's when things get scary. That's when we're more at risk of acting out if we can't tolerate our own complexity, we are far more likely to act out. Neil Sattin: Right. So you're talking about creating a space where having those fantasies is okay. Like where and even if so... There's a difference, I think, in talking to your partner, let's say, and saying, "Oh I have this fantasy about someone else being in the bedroom with us." There's a difference between saying that and being like... And having your partner say like, "Oh really, tell me more about that, and what might that be like, and let's explore that." and to be received in a very non-judgmental way versus coming to your partner and saying, "I have this fantasy about having someone else with us in the bedroom, and his name is Raul, and I have his phone number, and I'm expecting him to come over tonight." So there, which in itself may not be a bad thing, but I'm just trying to point out here that there's a whole spectrum of what's possible in terms of how we accept each other, we accept ourselves then accept each other relationally, and create a space for those things to be alive because just naming something like that might fuel your completely monogamous sexual relationship with your long-term partner, where there's never gonna be a third person involved, but the fact that you've been accepted in that way, that your fantasy has been accepted, will be potentially so energizing for you rather than feeling like you have to keep things in the shadows. Alexandra Solomon: Beautiful. Yeah, I think that's a great example... Neil Sattin: Or that the fact that you have it is somehow gonna threaten the connection that you have, which is, I think, another piece of how you communicate about fantasies in ways that are non-threatening to each other. Alexandra Solomon: Well, even just the example that you gave, the Raul example, it confronts... Sometimes we talk about toxic monogamy. This idea that we have monogamy has certainly been put... Sexual monogamy has been put out there as the norm. And sort of again in a hierarchical way, as the best way to love and be loved. And sometimes it goes so far that it's like any attraction, any fantasy that doesn't involve your partner is a slight against your partner. Then there's a way in which that paradigm is so narrow it makes all this stuff feel so dangerous and so threatening versus just a bit of expansiveness as you're saying. Just saying, this energizes me. Okay, then who knows where it goes from there, but just naming it and having a partner who doesn't need to go into that toxic monogamy space of like, "Oh my God, if my partner has any erotic energy that isn't directed solely to me all of the time, it means we are doomed. It means I suck, it means we're broken, it means we are doomed." That's just way too much pressure. Neil Sattin: Oh my God, I wanna do a whole episode on toxic monogamy. But in lieu of doing that, what would you suggest for partners where that is happening, where they're unable to broach that topic without it igniting some sort of rupture in their connection. Alexandra Solomon: Right. In the book, I talk about some ways that couples can... And I think talking about sex can be really hard. And if you've been together, especially if you've been together for a long time and you haven't talked about it, it can be really hard to find a way in, and I think that's a lot of couples' struggle. So it's really, it's normal. And given our conversation today, it's understandable. How would we ever know how to talk about sex? We certainly aren't taught that in school and we're... Anyway, so it makes sense why a couple may struggle talk about sex, but there may be some scaffolding. So, I give a list of examples I have collected over the years. I met a couple who talks about sex by putting puppets on their hands and the puppets talk about sex, so they put a bit of space between themselves and this conversation by using puppets. Or something like a book or a sexy scene in a movie, can be maybe a starting point. I'm always happy to have people put this on me. I don't know, I'm reading this book or listening to this podcast, and they were talking about this. And that can be nice, sort of a neutral sort of third-party way in. And to just have it be framed as starting with, "I love us. I love us. I love what we're about. I love who we are. I love what we're going. I'm all in on this mission and I want... And I'm interested in this because I love us, because I'm excited to expand us." Alexandra Solomon: So, that really... So, foregrounding the positivity and the commitment and the excitement, I think is also really helpful. And then, just being able to name when we're on the receiving end, like, "Ooh, ouch, okay, I have this urge to get defensive. I have this urge to tell myself a story that you're really saying that you're not happy with me and that I'm not enough for you." And just sometimes just naming that can be like, "Okay, good, I hear you're doing that. Let's put that off to the side. Can we put that in the corner and just keep going, 'cause I'm not saying that?" And sometimes it has to happen in a therapist's office. Sometimes, and I think that's a really legit reason to go to therapy. When I have a couple that's coming in after years and years of erotic neglect, I often think to myself, "I wish they had felt able to come in sooner and unpack this sooner." 'Cause that's a really legitimate question. It's really legitimate to say that long-term sexual monogamy is challenging. Long-term... Just being sexual is challenging. Long-term sexual monogamy is challenging, and it makes sense that there can be dry spells and breakdowns and miscommunication, and sometimes having somebody else there for the conversation is helpful. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah. So, totally agree with you there. And then just to circle back on that. So, there's naming and owning the importance of the connection. So, if you're the person who wants to bring something to your partner, saying, "You're important to me, and I'm bringing this to you because we are important to me." And then, you also named for a partner who's feeling reactive, to be able to name that and to recognize, "Wow, I'm hearing this and I'm being reactive." And so, that will... Hopefully, the act of bringing attention to it, hopefully that can also be held non-judgementally too. Like, it's okay that you are... That this is edgy for you to hear about this. There's something in that, "It's okay." You're okay for having this fantasy. I'm okay for having this reaction. We're gonna be okay. We're gonna navigate this together with this assumption that we'll get through, we'll be okay. There may be work for the reactive partner in examining their own self-worth issues, and doing that dance between being able to hear something like that without it going to the core of who they are or whether they feel like they're being accepted or loved by their partner. So much there. Alexandra Solomon: There's so much there. And with the thinking about the example of if the question is around, this idea of bringing in a third person or somebody who watches, it may... An interesting place to go is to ask what is it about that that's so stimulating for you? What's so intriguing about that? So that's interesting, that's a more interesting question than when will it happen or who should it be. And maybe it happens and maybe it never happens, but to start way, way, way back at the beginning, about tell me more, like we said. Tell me more about how that stimulates you. What's so exciting about that? What is the kind of juice there within that narrative? Who do you get to be in that story? Who am I in that story? Understanding and being curious about the charge, the yearning, just that curiosity may be enough to kind of satisfy it and play with that energy, versus actually bringing in a third person. And who knows? We can separate the outcome from the process, and the process may be one that's very enlivening and engaging, separate and apart from whatever happens in real life with the actual fantasy. Neil Sattin: Right, right. The purpose of a fantasy isn't necessarily that it has to happen. Alexandra Solomon: Right, right. Neil Sattin: There's something that just crossed my mind that I'm hoping you can shed some light on, 'cause it jumped out at me when I was... And it was back in this part about fantasies. I love the puppets thing, by the way. There was something you named there, which was couples talking about themselves in the third person. That was one I hadn't heard before, but I really... She really enjoys it when you do this, and he feels really vulnerable in this moment, just as a way of getting that enough of that distance, but it also feels like it could be really fun and cool to be narrating what's happening as it's happening. Yeah, I don't know, I like that. Alexandra Solomon: Totally, absolutely. Right, right, right. Neil Sattin: So, the fantasy thing was... 'Cause we're talking about reclaiming your sexuality and that an important piece of that is reclaiming it so that it comes from the inside out, as you named at the very beginning, so that your sexuality isn't developing in relation to how other people see you and how other people think of you, and I lost the page, so I'm not gonna be able to read it exactly, but there was this category of fantasy that was about being seen and appreciated and... Right, oh, here it is. Object of desire's self-consiousness, and I'm interested in this, the dance between it actually is really compelling to be the object of someone's desire, which in a way is about how you're being seen and noticing that you're being seen, but without having your desirability be based on how people see you. Do you see where it's... [laughter] Alexandra Solomon: It's so complicated. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Alexandra Solomon: Yeah, so the object of desire is this idea that... And the research has found that this is something that is more compelling, more stimulating for women than for men, but the idea that somebody sees me as desirable spikes my desire. Being wanted spikes my desire. And it helps me... It is about helping me tap into me. I just did an IGTV video about this. So last weekend, I was heading home from the gym, and I texted my husband and I said, "Will you go shopping with me today?" And it was so clear to me what I was wanting. So, this book launch, I want a couple of new dresses, and I know how I want to feel at these upcoming events. And so, I certainly could have gone shopping myself, obviously, and I have. But the idea of him being in the dressing room, down the hall, I go try something on, I come down the hall and show him. And it's not even about him saying thumbs up or thumbs down or him saying, "You look beautiful." It's about him holding space while I feel beautiful. Alexandra Solomon: It's a subtle but important difference. What I was saying is, "Can you be the bass note? Can you hold a steady bass note while I do this thing that I do," where I play in different colors, different textures. And I find pathways into my own sense of my own experience of my beauty, my aliveness, but will you be with me while that happens. It's a really subtle difference. And it's an important pathway for me, and for a lot of women as the research shows, to connection to the erotic is this idea that, basically, you're watching me feel into my own erotic self, my own alive self. I think sometimes it could feel transactional. I'm asking for him to do something for me, but it's not transactional, it's just an invitation to connection. This is for me, what I know about me is this for me is powerfully connecting. Will you join me in that? Neil Sattin: Yeah, so there's something in there of really how you know yourself and you know that this is gonna be something that's going to really feel good, that will bring you pleasure and... Yeah, so knowing yourself in that way, being able to communicate it. What are you gonna say? I saw you. Alexandra Solomon: Well, just that it's been this way... Todd and I've been together forever, but I have memories of... I love to dance. Dance is a humongous part of me, and he hates it. So, there would be times at parties where literally I'd be like "Can you just stand on the dance floor?" I would use him like a prop. He would just stand there, and I would dance around him. I'm just "I just need you with me while I do this thing." It really is good for both of us. It's good for both of us because I get to feel the way that I know I want to feel to show up with you, to feel close to you. It's just fun. It's just such a part of our... And I think that's part of it, too, is that now in year whatever of our relationship, these kinds of things, him going shopping with me, also has that circular sense that it reminds me and reminds us of how we used to be and who we used to be. We used to shop together a lot when I was from a suburb in Detroit and he lived in Chicago, and I would come visit him, and we would go shopping on Michigan Avenue. I'd never been to Chicago, so it also had this element of reminiscing, which is also really good for couples, to tap into who they used to be. That's very connecting and intimacy provoking, inspiring. Neil Sattin: Well, Alexandra, one of the many things that I appreciate about you and your work is how well you bring together so many different writers and thinkers and put it all together in a way that's really practical. And just like Loving Bravely was a very practical book, Taking Sexy Back is another great example of how you pull all these things together, and it becomes a very useful manual for diving in. So, I hope that you listening that you've gotten a taste of that and just how much practical information is here along with ways of talking about sexuality that illuminate the challenges that we face. So much of that is seeing like, "Oh, right, this is a challenge. This is shame that I carry with me, this is a story that I carry with me, this is how my partner and I are missing each other." Having awareness of that. You do such a great job of illuminating that for the reader. Something I really appreciated. And in what you were just talking about, I was thinking about how we identify what we like and what we don't like. And you bring up Emily Nagoski's work around the dual... What's it again, the Dual? Alexandra Solomon: The Dual Control Model. Neil Sattin: Right. So, there are those things that excite us. Go ahead. Alexandra Solomon: Yeah, just that. That our sexual desire functions with an accelerator and a break. So as you were gonna say, things that excite us and things that shut us down. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so what you were just offering is, I think, a great example of that, or at least that's how it showed up for me, like, "Oh, right, this is Alexandra knowing this gets me going," and inviting Todd your husband into the dance with you. Alexandra Solomon: That's right. Versus playing yahtzee which is gonna just slam my break real hard. [laughter] Alexandra Solomon: Playing yahtzee, doing anything that's competitive with him really, really shuts me down. Now, for another person, that might be incredibly connecting and gets them going, to be competitive, to be... I just know for myself, no. Hard no. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so interesting. Alexandra Solomon: It's so idiosyncratic and that's why the whole thing about sexual self-awareness, really understanding ourselves, is so vital and so valuable. Neil Sattin: Well, Alexandra Solomon, thank you so much for being with us here today. Your book, Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want, is a valuable addition to anyone's self-growth or relationship growth library. And if you want a transcript of today's episode, there's so much that we've talked about, you can visit neilsattin.com/sexy or text the word PASSION to the number 33444. And also, if you wanna find out more about Alexandra and her work, you can visit dralexandrasolomon.com, where you can find out all about her, what she's doing, where she's speaking. Yeah. And it sounds like you're on Instagram as well. What's your Instagram handle? Alexandra Solomon: Dr.alexandra.solomon. Neil Sattin: Okay, great. I haven't really figured out how to play in that world, so I'm glad you are doing it. Alexandra Solomon: Oh, it is a world. [laughter] Alexandra Solomon: It's a world. Neil Sattin: Thank you so much for being here with me today, Alexandra. Alexandra Solomon: Thank you, Neil. Neil Sattin: Okay.

Happy Tuesday, singles!  We have an incredible guest expert episode for your February blahs.  Whether Valentine's Day has found you getting your groove on or Netflix-and-chillin' solo, renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Alexandra Solomon is here to share her uplifting and profound wisdom on reclaiming your sexuality as a thing of value and cultivating it in a way that feels authentic and aligned to you.   We are honored to have Dr. Solomon join us to talk about her new book Taking Sexy Back (a companion book to her acclaimed Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want) which sets out to dismantle the often conflicting, shame-inducing, and disempowering messages about sex instilled in us from birth in a patriarchal system.  Instead, Dr. Solomon encourages us to connect with our true sexual selves by taking "sexy" as an adjective and turning it into a noun, something you own that is yours.   From incomplete sex educations, why women fake orgasms, sexual shame for men, and non-relationship hookup sex, we cover a ton of ground to investigate how the broken parts of our culture prove a disservice to the beauty that is your gorgeous, sexual self.  Get ready for a deep dive look into your sexual story.     Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is on faculty in the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences, and the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University. She is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and is on faculty at The Omega Institute. Her first book, Loving Bravely, was featured on The Today Show. She writes articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family. She maintains a psychotherapy practice for individual adults and couples, teaches and trains marriage and family therapy graduate students, and teaches the internationally renowned undergraduate course, “Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101.” Solomon is a highly sought-after speaker who works with groups like the United States Military Academy at West Point, Microsoft, and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. She is frequently asked to talk about love, sex, and marriage for media outlets like O, The Oprah Magazine; The Atlantic; Vogue; NPR; and Scientific American. She is an international speaker and teacher whose work has been featured on five continents. She lives in the Greater Chicago Area.   Buy Dr. Solomon's phenomenal book here!

In Episode 4 of A Fresh Cup of Fitness, hosts Jessica Danger and Brittany Marsh offer up a deep dive into the five types of boundaries, how to set them in your own life, how to adjust and change as a mechanism of growth, and what to do when someone violates, willingly or unwillingly, the boundaries you've set. If you take just one thing from this episode: Teaching people how you want to be treated is your responsibility.1:47 How do we define boundaries?4:00 What is the purpose of boundaries?7:30 What are the five types of boundaries?8:15 Type One: Emotional boundaries.8:45 What to do if your boundary is directly affected by another person.12:40 Boundaries are relational and dynamic.13:50 Setting boundaries inside a CrossFit gym.15:40 How to shore up boundaries by holding your own.16:10 Type Two: Mental Boundaries.19:10 How to decipher who has earned the right to your mental energy.19:33 Best Self Journal20:55 Gossip as a disservice to self and community.22:00 Sussing out the boundaries of others.25:00 Type Three: Boundaries of time and energy.27:10 Honoring the effort people make to enter your life.30:40 Prioritizing time for training, above all else.31:49 Type Four: Material boundaries.34:32 Jessica is an odd duck, people.35:30 Type Five: Physical boundaries.37:40 How to respond when a boundary has been violated.43:50 99% of the time, we are the ones to blame.47:43 Loving Bravely by Dr. Alexandra Solomon48:20 Boundaries by Henry Cloud48:49 Attached by AMir Levine and Rachel Heller50:40 There's a mystery book, folks!Follow Morning Chalk Up: https://www.instagram.com/morningchalkup/. Follow Jessica Danger: https://www.instagram.com/mamadanger/. Follow Brittany Marsh: https://www.instagram.com/the_brittumentary/. Email us at: Jessica@morningchalkup.com.

horizontal is Slow Radio about intimacies of all kinds. It is entirely recorded while reclining. I think of it as consensual eavesdropping— we’re lying down, wearing robes, sharing secrets, in your ears. In this episode, I lie down with Dr. Alexandra Solomon: clinical psychologist, author of books, Northwestern University Professor, and creator of the internationally-renowned undergrad course “Marriage 101,” which I wish was taught to every incoming freshman in college (and ideally, every outgoing senior in high school) and really, to every adult everywhere who didn’t take that class— across the world. I read about the course a few years back, long before I met Alexandra in person, in an article in The Atlantic, titled “The First Lesson of Marriage 101: There Are No Soul Mates.” In Marriage 101, she guides students, through both book-learning and experiential means, towards relational self-awareness, guiding them through an understanding of attraction, conflict, sex, and forgiveness. Who doesn’t need this class?! We all need this class! I need this class! Alexandra’s entire body of work, it seems, is devoted to guiding us to make heathy, conscious choices in love. Her 2017 book Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, is an ongoing dose of compassion, and I imagine that her forthcoming book, Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationship You Want will be a guide to undoing the shame that most of us were indoctrinated with by religion and our sex-negative society. You can do a deep dive into her work on dralexandrasolomon.com Each horizontal conversation is between two and five hours long, and divided into two parts (except for the 5 hour-long one, which was divided into 4). Part one, like this episode, is available in all the podcast places, and part two is available exclusively to patrons of the horizontal arts. Patreon is like the love child of crowdfunding and a subscription service. A great big Happy Dance welcome to my newest patrons — Jacob, Hannah, & Michael. Elisa, Amanda, Becca, & Dominique. Helena, Matt, Farah, Bob, Eric, & Joe. And an extra excited Happy Dance to Rex, for doubling their pledge this month! Here’s the deal with the Happy Dance: I come from anxious and depressive stock. I’m also a recovering perfectionist. No accomplishment was ever big enough. I would look at celebrities and compare and despair. Nothing I achieved felt like success. I felt good about it for perhaps half a second, and then re-commenced thinking about other people who had accomplished so much more. Now I’m in the process of rewiring my nervous system for celebration and joy. I decided approximately a year ago to celebrate every accomplishment, no matter how small, no matter how big, with comparable enthusiasm. Hence: the Happy Dance. Every time I get notified of a new patron, I stop what I’m doing, wherever I am (literally: on the subway, in the hot tub, at the podcast conference) and do an elaborate Happy Dance that lasts for a solid 15 seconds at least, long enough for me to bypass any bit of embarrassment and to viscerally feel the joy rush through my body. This is what one looks like. I made a pact with myself when I was in college. I determined that the compliments I think in my head don’t belong to me. And if they don’t belong to me, I need to return them to their rightful owners: the people I think them about. Having this philosophy has spread a lot of joy that would otherwise have never been actualized. So, in much the same way, I think that Happy Dance belongs to my patron. And I’m now making a Happy Dance video for each and every new patron! Become a Patron! So for access to The Full Horizontal, all the part twos going back to the beginning, including next week’s episode with Dr. Alexandra Solomon — as well as for your very own Happy Dance video — become a patron of the horizontal arts. In this, part one of my conversation with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, I talk a lot. It’s just so lovely to have a capaciously compassionate, therapeutic ear. I’ve missed that. We talk about: weddingburn, a microdose & my little secret compersion, sexual boredom, & novelty drive choosing nonmonogamy out of fear the gendering of purpose how college-age Alexandra met her husband and had to recalibrate her ideas of masculinity the question: what lies at the intersection of your skills, your passion, and your pain? (this is what I encouraged Patrick to ask himself, in order to seek out his purpose) the attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, & disorganized neediness, turn-off, and uncertainty the difference between separation and shame her definition of loving bravely how Alexandra had decided she could only be the smart girl, not the pretty one how today in her adult life, she holds space for study and scholarship and love and sex all to coexist Now come lie down with us in Midtown Manhattan, New York, New York. *** This episode was mixed and mastered by Irving Gadhoury. You can find him for all your audio needs — including recording live music — at IGrecording.com. My lovely intro music was composed by Alan Markley, @plasticcannons on Instagram, and my lovely logo was illustrated by Shana Shay, whom you can hire on 99 designs. One of my key takeaways from the — phenomenal —  Podcast Movement conference in Orlando was the realization that I haven’t been asking you to subscribe! If you enjoy this episode, would you please take a moment and hit the SUBSCRIBE BUTTON in your podcast player of choice? It makes a difference. Every subscriber helps me toward my mission of making the world a more intimate place. And if you found this episode with Dr. Alexandra Solomon powerful, would you share it with someone who could use a compassionate voice in their ear? Thank you. In next week’s episode, part two of my conversation with Dr. Solomon, we discuss marriage, navigating mismatched libidos, the difficulty of being an academic in the field of sexuality, the faculty Greek chorus in her head, taking sexy back, teaching college kids how to communicate with their lovers, and the societal pressure for women to be beautiful while brilliant. Thank you for listening. Thank you for getting horizontal.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a professor of love (literally, she teaches a course at Northwestern University called Marriage 101), a relationship therapist, author, sought-after speaker, retreat leader, and a passionate love nerd. Her first book, Loving Bravely, is incredible and amazing and taught me a lot about communication and relationships. Buy it here. You can also pre-order her second book, Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationships You Want, if you click here. Her TEDx talk will be online soon, but in the meantime, check her website out here and follow her on Instagram here. Also, in this discussion, we talked about this book (No More Mr Nice Guy) and this talk by Alain de Botton, which is SO GOOD and well worth watching. __________________________________________________ Follow me on Instagram @LongDistanceLoveBombs: https://www.instagram.com/longdistancelovebombs Sign up for my weekly newsletter! Each week, I share a personal story as well as my favorite books, tunes, articles, and ideas. Click here: http://eepurl.com/T0l91. It's easy and takes five seconds. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/longdistancelovebombs/message

In the second episode of this series, Dr. Sheryl Ziegler continues the conversation on Loving Bravely with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. Sheryl and Alexandra hone in on how to teach your little ones to love bravely too.

To kick off this series, Dr. Ziegler invites Dr. Alexandra Solomon, clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, for an in-depth conversation on how loving bravely can open you up to better mental health.

1.  Reaching out for help when your life is in shambles.    2.  Are you doing what is in your best interest every day?   3.  My guest today is Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, author of Loving Bravely:  20 Lessens of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want and Taking Sexy Back: How to Own Your Sexuality and Create the Relationship You Want (to be published in 2020) and an assistant Professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University.  She also teaches the most popular undergraduate course at Northwestern...Building Loving and Lasting Relationships.    To Life and Love,  XxxBeatty

Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a love nerd, there's no denying it. She's dedicated her life to the pursuit of learning about love and teaching those around her how to love. She's a clinical psychologist, a professor who teaches the Marriage 101 class at Northwestern University, the author of my new favorite book, Loving Bravely, and so much more. This is a lovely and sincere conversation about vulnerability, boundaries, relational self-awareness, attachment theory, and so much more.  What you'll learn (or why you should care): • Why relational self-awareness is key to a healthy relationship • That reason that even therapists need therapists • The importance of boundaries  • Why we choose partners that trigger our old wounds Where to find Dr. Alexandra Solomon: Dr. Alexandra Solomon on the Web | http://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/ Dr. Alexandra Solomon's book, Loving Bravely: https://amzn.to/2XgVZdk Dr. Alexandra Solomon on Instagram | https://www.instagram.com/dr.alexandra.solomon Dr. Alexandra Solomon on Facebook | https://www.facebook.com/dralexandrasolomon Mentioned on the podcast: Ester Perel's book: Mating in Captivity: https://amzn.to/2EeC99S Sue Johnson on Emotional Focused Therapy: http://drsuejohnson.com/emotionally-focused-therapy-2/what-is-eft/ Geneen Roth's book Women, Food, and God: https://amzn.to/2Ew4Bph Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. and Dialectical Behavior Therapy: https://behavioraltech.org/ Brene Brown on Shame and Vulnerability: https://brenebrown.com/ Imago Therapy - Getting The Love You Want: http://imagorelationships.org/ Find out more about The Love Drive here: https://thelovedrive.com

This week I had the honor of chatting with Mark Groves, a Human Connection Specialist, emotional translator, writer, speaker and coach. Mark and I talk about the ins and outs of relationships and he gives some no-BS advice about how we can grow out of unhealthy, toxic patterns, get more in touch with ourself and our needs and move into a space of healthy, interdependent relationships (both romantic and otherwise). We touch on codependency, childhood trauma, boundaries, self-reliance vs. interdependence and so much more. Find Mark on Instagram @createthelove or at www.markgroves.tv Mark's Book Recommendations: Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller and Loving Bravely by Dr. Alexandra Solomon Song featured: "Into the Deep" by Galactic feat. Macy Gray How to support the show: Rate, review and subscribe to the podcast on iTunes! Support my work on Patreon and get access to bonus episodes & more: www.patreon.com/anyakaats Find me on Instagram Get full access to A Millennial's Guide to Saving the World at anyakaats.substack.com/subscribe

What makes long-term relationships go the distance? I’m speaking with author and licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Alexandra Solomon, who you might know as the “Relationship Architect” and author of the transformational book, “Loving Bravely.” We talk about what’s really needed to make a relationship work – spoiler alert — it goes way beyond good sexual chemistry (although that’s needed, too). Today, we bring you the tools that will get you started both as an individual and as a couple. Alexandra is a clinical assistant professor at Northwestern University teaching and training marriage and family therapy graduate students. In addition, she teaches the internationally renowned undergraduate course, “Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101.” If all of that wasn’t enough, Dr. Solomon is also a highly sought-after speaker and media commentator on relationship topics. In this episode, you’ll learn: How messages we received as children shape how we show up in relationships today (5:50) What makes relationships able to go the distance? (17:32) Primary sexual desire vs. responsive desire – is sexual chemistry different for men and women? (21:35) What does “sexy” mean for women? (29:30) When there is sexual disconnection in a relationship, what can the couple do? (44:45) And so much more! Dr. Alexandra Solomon Website - www.dralexandrasolomon.com/ Instagram - @dr.alexandra.solomon Book - Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want

In her eye-opening and inspiring book, Loving Bravely, Dr. Alexandra Solomon gives us 20 lessons to deepen our relationships with ourselves and within our relationships.  Love is a classroom, and in this episode we discuss the tools we need to become a wiser student in the classroom of relationships and build the foundation for connective, and fulfilling relationships.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Melbourne psychologist, Carol-Ann Allen talks about the mess in good relationships, the business of freedom and the texture of communication.

What power do you have to change your relationship for the better by working on yourself? If things aren’t going so well, how do you know if you’ve done “all you can do” - or if there’s still hope? As you know, relationships require a balance of learning the skills of relating to others AND doing your own work to bring yourself more fully to your connection. On today’s episode, you’re going to learn how to find that balance, along with some ways to take both your inner growth and your outer skills to the next level. Our guest is Dr. Alexandra Solomon, author of Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. Along with her “Marriage and Intimacy 101” course at Northwestern University, Alexandra Solomon has taken relationship education to a new level - with practical ways to help you uplevel your abilities in relationship. The tools that we present in today’s episode will ensure that you’re on the right track as you move forward on your relationship journey. And, as always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are - thank you!), this week's episode is being sponsored by FabFitFun.com. FabFitFun offers a seasonal gift box with full-size, ahead-of-the-trend, fitness, beauty, lifestyle, and fashion products. Each box retails for $49.99, but contains more than $200 worth of goodies! You can customize your box, or just be completely surprised by what comes. As a special for Relationship Alive listeners, FabFitFun is offering $10 off your first box if you use the coupon code "ALIVE" with your order. It's a great gift for yourself - or for that special someone in your life. Resources: Check out Alexandra Solomon's website Read Alexandra Solomon’s book, Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) www.neilsattin.com/bravely Visit to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Alexandra Solomon. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. I always start the show with a question. There's a question that's been coming up a lot recently in terms of the kind of feedback that I've been getting from you, both through email and through the Relationship Alive community on facebook, and that is how do I know the balance between what I can actually do in a relationship, and when it's just not going to happen with the person that I'm with? How do I know whether I've really done all that I can do relationally? How do I know that I've truly brought my best to relationship so that if things really aren't working out, then I can safely say it wasn't me, or at least to the best of my ability? Neil Sattin: I think this is a great question to ask if you're in a troubled relationship. At the same time, if you're in a great relationship, there's always this question too of how do I bring my best to what we're doing? How do we be in a state of growth, and discovery, and curiosity? Also, how do we deal with the things that maybe come up for us over and over again? Is that a sign that there's something wrong or should I be fixing that? Neil Sattin: It's a great process of inquiry to be in. So to cover the breadth of these questions, I wanted to have on the show a special guest who just came out with a book this past year called Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self Discovery to Help You Get The Love You Want. Her name is Dr. Alexandra Solomon, and she's a professor at Northwestern University who has gained a certain amount of notoriety for teaching a marriage and intimacy 101 class, which is something that we've talked about a lot here on the show that, that special "relationship education" that we often don't get in the haphazard way that we learn about relationship in our culture or in our families. Neil Sattin: So Alexandra Solomon is here with us today to discuss her book, Loving Bravely, and to get at the heart of how we can take this journey, the journey that really begins within us, but that interfaces with our partners, our family, our friends to make sure that we are bringing our best to relationship. Neil Sattin: We will have a detailed show guide and transcript for this episode. If you want to download that, you can visit neilsattin.com/bravely, as in Loving Bravely, or you can text the word Passion to the number of 33444. Follow the instructions, and I will send you a link to this show's transcript and guide as well as all of our other show guides and transcripts. Neil Sattin: So I think that's it. Let's get started. Alexandra Solomon, thank you so much for being here with us today on Relationship Alive. Alexandra Solomon: Thank you for having me on. I'm happy to be here. Neil Sattin: Let's start with, I'm curious about this course that you teach. How did that even come up for you? The idea of teaching this class in college about how to do relationship well. Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. This course has certainly been just a huge meaningful experience in my life year after year. So the course, when we teach the course this Spring, it will be our 18th time teaching it. So the first years that it was taught, I was a graduate student studying at Northwestern University. Two of my mentors, Bill Pinsof and Art Nielsen were long time couples therapists who sat hour after hour, week after week in their offices with couple after couple watching these dances of despair, of disconnection, of suffering, and started to ask the question like, what if. What if we started to really value talking to people about love early in their lives before they've partnered, and before they've gotten tossed around in the sea of love, and could it make a difference? Alexandra Solomon: This was happening as the field of relationship science was really starting to take off and be able to stand on its own two legs as a legitimate field of study. Alexandra Solomon: So I think for years we thought of love as this, I don't know, woo-woo thing, and so to teach love was seen like, "What are you talking about?" But the science is certainly clear. The quality of our relationships, especially our romantic relationships is a really big piece of the pie in terms of the overall quality of our lives. Alexandra Solomon: So that was a place from which the course was born, was a desire to touch people, touch young people's lives and journeys early on when they're sexually mature, but exploring. My gosh, when I think about college, I spent hour after hour on the floor of the dorm talking about love and sex with my friends. So this class just, I think it really meets, meets young adults where they are. Neil Sattin: Does that mean that if you're someone like me who's in his 40s, that I'm not impressionable enough anymore, and these lessons won't apply? Alexandra Solomon: Not by a long shot. Not by a long shot. That's been, if there's been one thing I've heard over the years during this course has received, as you might expect a great amount of media attention. It's been featured on five continents, and just there's a lot of curiosity about what the heck are you doing talking to college students about how to do love? Alexandra Solomon: So the one thing I've heard over and over again, is like, "Dang, I wish I had that when I was in college." I think that there's a real longing for why aren't we talking about this? Like, why didn't somebody talk to me about some ... setting down some basic principles, some basic foundation. So it's never too late though. Never ever too late. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Well I was being a little facetious because I do have a whole podcast about this thing. Alexandra Solomon: That's right. It's only the entirety of your life. That's right. Yes, we love the lifelong learning, right? Neil Sattin: Yeah, exactly. I love how your book encourages, it encourages a process that allows people to get into that learning mindset, and to always be curious. I think that is one of the big challenges because when we struggle with our partners and find ... you have that moment where you get triggered and your prefrontal cortex turns off, remembering that you can find your way back to curiosity even in a moment like that is a real challenge for people. Alexandra Solomon: Yeah, I mean that's the practice, isn't it? Like holding onto that framework that whatever is happening right now in this space between my partner and I, has got the power to really show me more about me, reveal me to me, offer me tremendous healing. That's a hard place to hold. I don't know if any of us hold it 24/7, but at least we can commit ourselves to trying to remember, to making our forgetfulness as short as possible, and coming back to that center of, "Okay, what's going on in me right now?" Neil Sattin: Yeah. One of the themes that you come back to over and over again in Loving Bravely is this process of, I think you call it name, connect and choose. So perhaps we could dive into what that means right now. If you're listening and you're hearing me say name, connect, choose, you'll have a sense of what we're talking about because I think it pulls you from these moments of being dislocated from yourself and your curiosity and the kinds of things that help you find solutions or that even help you thrive and grow. It brings you back really, really well and succinctly. Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. I think that, that was a helpful tool for me and my writing of the book. It's the name, connect, choose process is just the ... it's just a process of awareness. It's a way of thinking about what bringing awareness looks like. So sometimes it happens at the really macro level, like the really big picture level where the naming is I name my father's alcoholism, I named that. For many of us, we know our healing journey begins by just calling a thing what it is, looking a thing dead in the eyes and calling it what it is. Sometimes the naming is a big picture name, like I name that I am a survivor of abuse. I name that my father struggled with alcoholism. Alexandra Solomon: Then the connect is just noticing the feelings that are attached to that truth. And, rather than judging the feelings or thinking about what you think the feeling should be, just bearing witness to the feelings. That, the connect is really a permission to just feel what you feel, because it's through that process of naming something, allowing ourselves to feel what we feel that creates enough consciousness, enough awareness that then multiple paths open forward that allow us to choose something different. Alexandra Solomon: Sometimes like when we're talking about like a big picture thing, we may choose then to not partner with somebody who is in the throes of their addiction the way that we have before. When we're unconscious, when we haven't named the impact of a parent's addiction, for example, we will bring to us, in an unconscious way, we'll bring to us somebody with a similar wound, because that little child in us want so desperately to fix, to redo, to master something that in childhood was unfixable, out of our control. Alexandra Solomon: Through the process of calling the chapters of our life story what they are, and letting ourselves feel what we feel, we bring ourselves to a place of greater awareness and ability to say, "I see that, that person is suffering. I see it, I feel the pull, but I'm not going to go towards it. I don't need to. I don't need to fix the world. I can come back to my center." That's that big picture naming of bringing our awareness to our life story. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and you mentioned that process of even listing out the chapters. That was one aspect in your book that you revisit over and over again that I really appreciated as a way of helping you both see the themes, and the patterns that happen in your life and in your choices, as well as to get a certain degree of objectivity with those things. Neil Sattin: So, maybe you could describe what we're even talking about in terms of the chapters of your life and what that ... how someone listening might go through that process for themselves in a particular area of their lives. Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. So one thing to say here is that the book itself is written in chapters, obviously, as all books are. Each chapter of the book closes with some exercises. My intention there is to offer the reader ... Each of the chapters of the book is like another, just place of awareness. Then the exercises in each chapter are designed to flesh that out. How does it apply to you? Alexandra Solomon: You're right, a lot of the work of the book is inviting people to work on their life story. This is from, there's a whole branch in the field of psychology that's about the power of story, the power of narrative, and that when we tell our stories, that's healing, right then and there, that's healing, just the telling of our story. So in the book, there are a number of invitations for the reader to kind of work on their story. It's through the process of working on who was I, and who am I? But then we start to really get empowered around, "Okay, so now who do I want to be going forward? What do I want to break, shed, transform? Then what do I want to carry through?" Neil Sattin: Yeah, and being able to, like I was imagining because I, unfortunately, I was reading so much that I didn't get a chance to do all of your exercises. But that being said, it was exciting, the idea of imagining, okay, at this part of the story, this is when the unwitting hero stumbles across his first love, or makes the decision that he will regret for the rest of ... that thing. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so there's some quality of that, that I think can be really helpful for you to be willing to look at your life that way. If I'm the hero of this story or the heroine of this story, what did I do in this chapter? What's like the one sentence summary, and how does that chapter live in me unconsciously that I'm naming right now. Well, what could happen in the next chapter? Because that's the beauty of story, right? Is that as long as there's another book in the series, you don't really know what's going to happen. It's not a set destiny no matter what you thought in chapters one, two, and three. Alexandra Solomon: That's right, and I think that when we are thinking about when we're working on a chapter in our story that maybe is what we would consider a dark night of the soul or a really difficult chapter that maybe has to do with a toxic romantic relationship, so we're writing that story. The risk is that what we take away from that relationship is just a lot of heavy cynicism, wound, hurt, a closed off heartedness, right? Because it hurt, because we feel like love is dangerous. We've been hurt. So I think there's something when we're especially working on one of those chapters, the process of telling the story can open up, even if it's just for a moment, it can open up a little light of awareness about the "and", about it was awful...and.... Alexandra Solomon: Then in the and, within the and, is that posttraumatic growth that's always there that we don't get to unless we really stand on the truth of it, allow ourselves to feel what we feel. Through that process, very often there can be this "and", that's about, "and that relationship taught me about what it really means to hold onto my worth, and what it really means to honor the red flags when I see them, and what it really means to speak my truth, even if I'm afraid..." Alexandra Solomon: But we don't get to those. We don't get to those little pieces that are about our own resilience, and our own ability to get back up unless we're willing to just tell the story. Tell the story, to be like, "This is what happened, here's what I saw, here's what I felt, here's what I did, here's what I tolerated and here's what I want going forward." Alexandra Solomon: So that's, I think that's why crafting our stories, telling our stories, even the chapters that were hurtful, that we survived. When we do that, we are really reclaiming our healing. We're really reclaiming our resilience through that process. I don't think there's any other way to get to the resilience, to the courage to love again. We don't get to that by just putting the chapter in a box, and burying the box in the bottom of the ocean, or doing this thing where we just say it was where we just don't talk about it. We can't get there unless we kind of go through and story it and start to make some sense of it. Neil Sattin: Yeah. It's funny because I agree with you completely, and still I know these people in my life who that's what they do, like end of chapter, box goes under the bed or in the closet or burned in the bonfire, and that's it. Like, next. No real self reflection. Neil Sattin: There is a part of me at times, especially when things get complicated where I'm like, "Wow, that must be a much easier way to live on some level." I'm wondering if you have any reflections on that. Do you ever, as you were writing the book, because what I loved about Loving Bravely, apart from it just being a really well organized book, when you read this book, you'll see that it does a great job, which probably won't surprise you for someone who teaches relationship 101. It walks you through a process that will get you somewhere, and with a whole lot more self understanding. So I really appreciated that. Neil Sattin: At the same time, I was reading it and I was like, "This is great. I can relate to so many of these things, and it's true." We do, we have to ride the waves of our relationship, and there's so much growth, and it can be so hard. Then I was like, "But is there a magical universe somewhere where people would, someone would pick up a book like this and be like, it's not that hard. It's really easy." Or be just like, "What is she even talking about? You just let go of that person and you move on, or whatever it is." What do you think? Does that mythical universe exist? Alexandra Solomon: I don't know. It sounds lovely. I might go visit that place, hang out for a while. Neil Sattin: Bring Todd. Alexandra Solomon: That's right. That's right. Well, that is, I mean, I'm sure you had these moments as well where it's like, I think part of what I do, whether it's in my classroom when I'm teaching undergraduate students, or my classroom when I'm training couples therapists, or in my couple's therapy office when I'm working with couples, I mean my life's work is to make stuff complicated, right? To hold onto 50 Shades of Gray, to be willing to go to the level of nuance to turn something eight different ways so we can look at it. Alexandra Solomon: So that's my jam. That's what I love to do. But I'm sure that way of living would drive a lot of people really crazy. It'd be a really unpleasant way to live the way there's just a simplicity that comes from not looking at the nuance of it. Neil Sattin: This brings me, and it gives me an idea for a question. Alexandra Solomon: Okay. Neil Sattin: Which is, I'm sure you see this all the time. I see this with my clients and people who write in. There's so often someone who's very self reflective, for some reason, finds themself in relationship with someone who's like, "No, I don't really want to talk about that." Or, "Why are we making things so complicated?" Or any variation of that. Neil Sattin: I'm wondering because you are probably not hearing from that person, you're hearing from the growth oriented taking things apart person who really wants to affect change. What do you offer someone in that kind of situation around the dialectics of their partner being different than them, versus inviting them into the reflection versus maybe this person isn't right for you? Alexandra Solomon: Yes. I think that is such a great question because you're right. The person that I talked to is the growth oriented person who asked me a question like, "How do I get my husband ..." because usually, to be stereotypical, it is a straight woman whose asking about her male partner, "How do I get him to be more self reflective, or how do I get him to ..." Alexandra Solomon: That to me is a red flag kind of question. Whenever we're talking about how to get somebody else to do something, we have exited our own business and we've put ourselves in somebody else's business, you know? But I do think that when there's a partner who has more interest in introspection, self awareness paired with somebody who has less interest, there is a way to invite, I think that the frame needs to be an invitation to collaboration, like an invitation to standing shoulder to shoulder and looking at a dynamic together. I think sometimes the person who has more years of therapy under their belt, who's read more self help books, there's a way that knowledge can start to get used as the weapon in the relationship in a way that, because I think it's like what I have done this to my husband at times, "Well, I'm the couple's therapist. Therefore ..." Neil Sattin: Right. The number of times that I've sat with my wife Chloe and been like, "Well, Dan Siegel says that ..." Alexandra Solomon: That's right. I know. Except for when it comes to Dan Siegel, because when you're saying what Dan Siegel said, you really are saying the right thing. He's just fantastic. But yes, I think that is. Those kinds of things can be used as a defense against the vulnerability of, "I'm hurt, I'm scared and lonely. I'm confused." When we start using our knowledge, or our experience, or our successful podcasts, or our successful ... our book, and we can start to use that knowledge defensively because it's maybe easier than saying, "I'm just really lonely for you, or I'm really scared about us right now, or I really don't understand your perspective. Can you tell me more about how you're seeing this?" Neil Sattin: Yeah. Alexandra Solomon: We had a, there was a moment, maybe a year or so ago that our daughter was kind of needing to talk through a dynamic that happened at school. This one said to this one something or other, and just one of those messy friendship dynamics. She's kind of unpacking it with me, and I'm working on like a diagram, and frameworks and we're unpacking it. Todd walks by, and my husband Todd walked by and he goes, "I don't know, I think you should just tell her that snitches end up in ditches." I was like, "Beautiful. That's beautiful." because that may very well be as good an answer as this diagram that I'm working on craft here. Maybe there's a simple way forward. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So in the spirit of being able to hold both things and to see the possibility for connection even when you're with someone who you suspect may not be as "growth oriented" as you are, and yet where there could be this real opportunity to collaborate. Well, let's dive into that. You talk about the dialectical approach, the holding two opposites or seeming opposites together, and being able to be okay there. How does that process work, and where do you see that? Alexandra Solomon: Well, I think this example we're working on about two people who have different approaches to life, like an introspective versus a just take it as a comes approach, that's a great ... That couple is a dialectic right there. How do you hold the both-and where sometimes reflection and introspection does yield greater wisdom and awareness, and sometimes there's a simplicity, "I love you. I'm here. Let's go forward." Alexandra Solomon: I know that there are times when my husband will ... I will want to unpack something and look at it multiple ways, and he'll just say, "Al, I love you and it's going to be okay." And, that is the thing that is ... there are times when that feels actually really validating, right? This simplicity of, "I love you. I love you, and we're going to get through it. It's hard, and we're going to get through it. I'm here, and we're together." That there's a simplicity that comes from that. Alexandra Solomon: So the both-and is like how do you hold onto a sense of like we're in this together, and that's maybe enough for now, and a need to kind of unpack and understand. But those both-ands come up everywhere. I think that's, they happen within us. How can I be both a career ... dedicated to my career and dedicated to my family. How can I be both strong and vulnerable? The dialectic idea is about how do we hold on to just complexity, both things at once. I think that happens at the level of the self, and at the level of the relationship. Alexandra Solomon: When we start to go into this either-or, either I'm right or you're right, that's, to me, that's a red flag. Whenever the conversation is going towards trying to figure out which one of us is right and which one of us is wrong, that's a red flag that we've gotten ourselves off track. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So that would represent a black and white thinking, kind of cognitive distortion almost. Yeah. Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. Neil Sattin: Right. It can come up in like how can I love you so much and feel so angry at you right now? Or how can I trust you and handle the fact that I don't feel safe right now? Yeah. It comes up all over the place, doesn't it? Alexandra Solomon: It really does. It's, I'm thinking about when I'm working with a couple where they really, they're coming to therapy and there's a real question about whether or not the relationship will continue. They're, "How can we do both? How can we have serious doubts and do the work of couple's therapy?" That's a hard thing to hold, how to hold on to both the awareness this may not continue, and be dedicated to doing the work, and the one that you're talking about, I think is so common, right? I think when we feel angry, when we feel ... Well, or when somebody is angry at us, when my partner is mad at me, how can I remember that somebody can be mad at me and love me? That's a challenging knot, that sometimes the anger feels ... it's hard to stay present when somebody else is angry with us or disappointed in us. Neil Sattin: Right? That goes right back to childhood wounds usually around our experience of our parent's anger or disappointment in us. Alexandra Solomon: I think it's really important for parents to find ways of saying, "I am angry right now. I am upset right now, and I love you and I'm doing my work to move through this. I's my job as a parent to move through this and to reconnect." Right? So we don't leave our kids in that place of toxic shame. But that lingers, right? That lingers, and then the kid becomes an adult who really becomes fearful of conflict. Neil Sattin: Right? Right. We don't know anyone like that. Another dialectic. I like how you brought that up actually with couples who are on the edge of uncertainty around their status. But I think that that is something that more and more, especially in modern times, people are holding this, "I'm committed to you, and you know what? I could divorce you, I don't have to live with this bullshit." That kind of thing. Neil Sattin: There's a challenge there because that particular tension can really challenge the safety that you feel in relationship, and the safety that's required to do some of that vulnerable work. Yeah, how do you help someone who's in that, who's deep in that struggle of like, "I really want this, and I don't want to feel like I'm trapped here." Alexandra Solomon: I know. I think this is the hardest, I think this is the hardest thing. I think this is really, really hard because we are ... To act as if divorce isn't an option is to live in La La land, right? That is, even when divorce was, I think maybe 50 years ago, it was easier to not act as if that was in the realm of the possible because there was so much more shame and stigma around it than there is today. So what does ... that in and, there's no getting around the fact that in order to ... that will, that intimacy really does require a safe container. A container where I'm saying, "I am committed to showing up for you today, and I'm committed to showing up for you tomorrow. I'm here to do this with you." Alexandra Solomon: I like to think about commitment as having like two faces. The face of commitment that's about, I'm here because it's hard to leave. I got a lot of stuff here and we've got joint accounts. That is a part of commitment, right? Part of the essence of marriage is creating a guard rail, and making it hard for people to leave. That's one part of commitment. Alexandra Solomon: But there's the other part of commitment which is I'm here because I want to be here, because I value us, because I believe in us. That's always a really important piece of the work with couples who are ... Well, for any couple is really having that value statement, that what are ... that mission statement that, what are we about, what do we believe in, what do we value? That's how you create that container that makes staying here feel like a playground rather than like a prison, right? Neil Sattin: Right. Alexandra Solomon: That I'm here because this is where all of me shows up, including the part of me that has pride in what it means to show up, to surrender to a process with a person. There's a pride that comes from experiencing yourself as somebody who gave their word and stands by their word. So I think couples need, individuals, and couples need lots of pathways towards capturing and embracing that second face of commitment, which is, "I'm here because I believe in us. I believe in this. I believe in what we're doing." Neil Sattin: Yeah, there's something that emerged for me in what you just said, which was the reminder of being committed to the process. So within that, I feel like there's a lot of room for a couple to come to agreement that no matter what, we're committed to this process together, we're committed to being kind to each other. Neil Sattin: Having that as also something that you hold to, particularly when you know, if you are in a couple in jeopardy, let's say. But at least being willing to say, "Yeah, neither one of us is going to just jump ship, but I'm not going to surprise you. We're going to be in this together, even if the in it means ultimately deciding we're not in it together." Alexandra Solomon: That's right. One of my teachers along the way would say you can always end a marriage. You can't always save a marriage. So what it means to save a marriage, to work to heal a marriage or a longterm relationship, or a relationship, there's a pride and a sacredness to committing to that process. Alexandra Solomon: I think here again, I think sometimes we use the fact that we can leave, we can use that as a defense against the vulnerability of really turning towards the relationship, and certainly to I think what creates a healthy relational environment is a commitment to never using the threat of leaving as a reflection. I think when we're, that's why it's so important to manage when we're triggered because when we're triggered, if we're triggered, and we keep talking, and we keep fighting, and the volume is going up, and the volume is going up, we really put ourselves in jeopardy of saying that thing of putting divorce on the table, of putting break up on the table, of threatening to leave. Alexandra Solomon: That is all that can be, that is in that moment a reflection of that triggered volume-up kind of behavior that just doesn't create a healthy relationship climate. Like you're saying, if a marriage ends, it needs to end, or a relationship ends, it needs to end in, and from a really sober place of thoughtfulness, of consideration, of consciousness. Alexandra Solomon: People need to be aware that, I mean, that's the thing we've learned. This is what the whole field of interpersonal neurobiology has taught us, is that when we're triggered, we're not our, and we're nowhere near our best self or our bravest self. That triggered language, triggered meaning we're kind of not in our ... we're not in our mind, right? We're out of our mind. Our blood pressure's up, our pulse is racing, our brain, our intellect is down. So we are at risk of saying stuff that we can't take back. Stuff that really hurts. Alexandra Solomon: So part of that mission statement as a couple, I think is making commitments around what do we do when we get triggered, and how do we commit as a couple to taking time out for the sake of our relationship because we love our relationship too much, and we honor the fragility of the relationship. We know that relationships are breakable, they can be damaged. Therefore, we really value that when we're triggered, we just stop talking and we go back, we do a time out until we can speak from a place of love instead of reactivity. But that's a practice, and that takes commitment to practice to live that way, you know? Neil Sattin: Yeah. In your book, you bring up several things that we've talked about on the show. Things like creating a code word that you use with your partner so that you can even avoid using the word triggered, which can sometimes be even more triggering. That was one thing, or focusing on just things in your immediate environment to help you get present, to not hopefully not being in an actually threatening situation, which is what that fight or flight is, is responding to. Yeah. Neil Sattin: You offer lots of great hints in living bravely around how to navigate that kind of agreement with your partner, which I really appreciated. It's been a theme that we talk about a lot here on the show. What were you going to say? Alexandra Solomon: Well, I was going to say because it's really, I think it's I'm glad that you're talking about it a lot on the show because I think it's just, it's so important and it's so difficult to do. When that overwhelmed state takes over, we can start to tell ourselves, "Well, it's just my feelings. I'm entitled to talk about my feelings." There's this whole kind of story that gets wrapped around, like when I'm upset, I'm allowed to say whatever I want. Alexandra Solomon: An important aspect of self awareness is being willing to question that belief. There's, of course you are entitled and authorized to talk to your partner about what's on your mind, about what's troubling you, about the how, the how matters. Neil Sattin: Right? There's a lot circulating in the popular culture right now around radical honesty and telling it like it is. That can feel really good, particularly if you're angry briefly, and then you have to live with the consequences of how you delivered that radical truth. I think you're definitely right that your ability to get back to the part of your brain, that goes offline when you're triggered, your prefrontal cortex to get back to that part of your brain before you express your radical truth, so that you can do it lovingly, and relationally, and creatively, and compassionately, you're going to be way better off. Alexandra Solomon: Great. Yep. That's right. I think you're wise to connect it to this bigger cultural climate that we are in right now. I'm not a fan of radical truth. When I have a couple in my office, and one of them says, "You're not going to want to hear this, but I got to say it." I put my hand up and I said, "Well, let's just, let's pause. One hand on your heart, one hand on your belly. Let's do some breathing." Because if the frame is, you're not going to want to hear this, but I got to say it, maybe this is a great place to do some mindfulness and some preparation and kind of consider how can it be sad in a way that really is the voice of the voice of love, right? Said in a way that when you can advocate for yourself while also holding onto your partner. Neil Sattin: Yes. You bring up a couple times this question of what would love say or do in this situation. That's a great place to orient from. If you hear yourself saying, "I don't want to, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but ..." Alexandra Solomon: That's right. Go with that. Go to your journal, work it out. If that's the frame, that's a big red flag. Neil Sattin: Yeah. And, talk about the importance of the pause here because I love how you do that in a session, and I can relate. There are times when I definitely have to be like, "All right, stop everything." What's so important about the pause? Alexandra Solomon: It goes back to the fact that we are ... we act as if we're these highly evolved creatures when we're walking around with these brains that for the vast majority of our existence have, and sometimes in our lives really do still need to be fight or flight. But so we are wired for fight flight so powerfully, but we live in a world, and we create these romantic relationships where we really do value, care, consideration, compassion, closeness, intimacy. Intimacy is really a tender thing, right? To really, if what we say we value is letting ourselves be seen in all of our complexity, if that's what we value in our relationships, then we need to be willing to do what it takes to create the conditions where we can safely show each other to each other, and share stories of our heart, and talk about our insecurity. Alexandra Solomon: So that's what we want. We have to align our behaviors towards that. That means being willing to pause, and consider, okay, so having a concern, or a complaint, or a criticism is of course understandable and to be expected in a romantic relationship. Of course that's going to happen. But how do I say it in a way that really invites intimacy where this moment of difference, this moment of misunderstanding, this moment of disappointment can help us better understand who we each are individually, and what we're about as a couple. Alexandra Solomon: That really comes from pausing. Dan Siegel has that really lovely way of talking about the yes space versus the no space. Getting to know what that feels, I think that's where it starts. Very often in my office I'm just helping people get a sense of what does it feel like to be in a yes space. The yes space is curious, collaborative, empathic. The no space is defensive, reactive, like that gotcha energy. Alexandra Solomon: The first step is figuring out what that feels like in your body to be in a yes space versus a no space. In order to get to that, we've got to pause, and just take that moment of reactivity, and breathe, and watch it, and notice it, and start to question what are the stories that are getting going in me right now? Alexandra Solomon: Very often, the stories are pretty negative and critical of our partners. They deserve to be unpacked around, okay, the story I'm telling myself is that you must not care very much about me. If that's what your behavior says to me, you don't care much about me. Even just that is a kind of pause, saying the story I'm telling myself is you don't care very much about me. That's a kind of pause because then we're inviting our partner to say, "Okay, I hear that's the story you're telling yourself that you don't feel very cared for right now. I'm sorry that you feel that way. Let me know when you're ready to hear a little more about what was going on, on my side of the street, in my part of the world." That's how that back and forth opens up. Neil Sattin: Yeah. When you said we think of ourselves as these evolved beings, I think it's worth pointing out that when you were in fight flight, when you are about to say that thing that you know you shouldn't say, but you're actually in the least evolved part of your brain. That's your primitive brain. So you're not acting like an evolved being in that moment. Maybe that can be a reminder to you like, "Let me get back to the place where that ... where I can really leverage evolution here for myself." Alexandra Solomon: Yeah, it happens quickly. I'll be in a session with a couple, and one partner will raise their eyebrow, and then the other partner is like, "Okay, here we go." I'm like, "Wait, whoa. What happened?" It can turn on a dime. We get to know each other really well, we have these tells. My couple knows each other's tells much more than I know their tells. I'm getting to know the terrain of this relationship that they've been in for a long time. Alexandra Solomon: So she lifts her eyebrow up, and her partner is like, "Okay, well, here we go." = "Wait, slow down, what's happening?" because that's that reactive part of our brains that is so ready to either fight or get the heck out of there. Alexandra Solomon: That's a learning. To learn that the fight or flight response is our lower brain response, and that our relationships deserve something a little more careful, a little more nuanced than just fight or flight. That's work. They're like, "Okay, I'm watching your eyebrow go up. I'm starting to tell myself a story of you're dismissing me. You don't believe me?" Just to breathe through that stay in that space of curiosity instead of attack or get the heck out of there. Neil Sattin: Yeah. And, what's interesting to me, I'm just imagining this hypothetical situation with the eyebrow. I imagine that it's even possible that if the other partner were able to say, "I see you, I see your eyebrows being raised." and to actually name a few other things that they see, that even that in and of itself could totally shift what's being felt in that moment from what was about to happen to like, "Actually, we're both here in this space together, and we're both being people, and we're actually safe with each other." Just the act of mentioning those things presences both partners I think. Alexandra Solomon: I agree, because then the partner with the eyebrow can say, "Thank you for letting me know. Okay. Let me just take a couple deep breaths here because I really do. I love us. I believe in us. I want to fight for us, so let me just regulate myself for a moment so that I can really take in what you need to say." Neil Sattin: Yeah, and I don't know about you, Alexandra, but for me, when my partner names something that is a sign that I am going down some road that's very familiar to me. I have my own little recognition of, "Oh my God, I am. I'm about to do that thing that I always do." If she catches me just right, that's enough to let me see myself with a certain degree of humor and humility in those moments. Alexandra Solomon: Yes. Isn't that beautiful? Yes. My husband will. I remember a time not long ago, he was like, "Whoa, you just want like zero to 60 in a millisecond. That was really intense to watch." And, he said it in this kind of half sarcastic but observing way. But it was I was able to hear the love in the message and the invitation to slow down in the message. In that moment I could take myself lightly enough to be like, "Okay. Yep. Okay. You're holding up a mirror. I see it. Let me try again." Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. That's the whole Gottman's 5:1 ratio of positive ... that we need five positive to counteract every one negative, and that when we have that kind of atmosphere in our relationship, our partner can say to us like, "Whoa, you're super zero to 60 right now." And, we can take it for what it is, which is a bid to be like, "Let's go. Let's be careful here. Let's slow down, let's be mindful and take it with that sense of trust that we're both fighting for the same thing right now, which is our relationship." Neil Sattin: Yeah. There are two things that I want to make sure that we mention before we go today. Actually before we even do that, before we started, you mentioned that there's a new series that you're going to be doing online, like a book club around Loving Bravely. What is that you're going to be doing? Alexandra Solomon: Yeah, we are. In January, we're going to launch a Loving Bravely book club. It's going to be online. We're going to do it through Facebook. So we've created a facebook group. So to sign up, you go to my website, dralexandrasolomon.com/bookclub and there's signup information. It's going to be free. We're gonna just move through one lesson of the book each month. So there's 20 lessons of the book, so we're going to do just a deep dive on each of the lessons. Alexandra Solomon: It will be a blend of using Facebook live format plus Q&A in the Facebook group. Some dialogue back and forth there. Participants will have access to ... will do some homework and some challenges. I'm excited. It's a new venue for me. But a way of, I think of taking this work which is simple and infinitely complex at the very same time, and working on it in community, which I think is the best way to do it, frankly. Neil Sattin: Yeah. To be able to support each other for sure. So we will make sure that we have a link to that in the show notes for this episode as well, so that whenever you're listening to us, you can find Alexandra Solomon and jump in wherever they happen to be in the book. Alexandra Solomon: That's right. Yeah. They won't be a tight ... there's not going to be like if you don't get in, in lesson one, you're out, it will be an unfolding process. Neil Sattin: Great. So the two things, one is on the shorter side and one might be a little less short, but hopefully not too long. So the first one is, I love how many helpful ways you offer in your book to be an invitation. Something that we started talking about at the very beginning of this conversation. I'm wondering if you could talk for a moment about constraints questions, because that's something I hadn't, at least a terminology that I hadn't come across before. I found that to be a really generative approach to how you might flip something around to actually be useful. So can you talk about that concept of a constraints question and how you would use that practically? Alexandra Solomon: Yes. In fact, I love that you brought it up because just this morning I was thinking about the idea of a constraint question and just having a real moment of like, "Man, that's a brilliant idea." It's just, it's an old school family therapy concept that is simple and I think it packs a really powerful punch. Alexandra Solomon: So let's say, I mean this is kind of a tricky one. Let's say our partner lies to us. There's two ways of bringing it up. One way is, "Why did you lie to me?" Then the other way is to ask a constraint question. The constraint question is, "What kept you from being truthful with me?" So the difference between why did you lie to me and what kept you from being truthful with me is a really big difference, right? Alexandra Solomon: The why did you lie to me is an invitation to defensiveness. It's an accusation. It invites defensiveness, it predetermines the outcome, which is, I'm the victim. You're the perpetrator. It makes a good-bad split versus, what kept you from being truthful is a curious invitation towards let's work together to understand what the heck is going on in our relationship that truth is being constrained. Alexandra Solomon: The truth that something doesn't feel safe enough or something is unhealed in you like, "What's going on? Let's look at this." It's an invitation to that shoulder to shoulder stance to look together at what the heck is going on. Neil Sattin: So what's the trick for looking at a situation and finding the constraint? The constraint being though what's keeping you from something? Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. Well, I think just that language. What's keeping you from, is the way to ask it. So you were late. What's keeping you from being on time? We agreed to 3:30, what's keeping, what kept you? What kept you from showing up at 3:30? Neil Sattin: Right. You're setting unrealistic expectations for me. Yeah. Alexandra Solomon: And, it may as well, okay, so now we're off to the races. Let's have a conversation about expectations. How do expectations tie to values? What do we value in this relationship? In what way are you and I different? You grew up in a family where 10 minutes late equaled on time. I grew up in a family where 10 minutes early equaled late. That's so fascinating. Let's unpack that. What does that mean to us going forward? Alexandra Solomon: Now we're in it. Now we're unpacking and looking at it versus you were late, you were bad, you are wrong, you are disrespectful. That's a stance that closes off intimacy. It closes off any kind of curious conversation about how do we define? You know what? How do we define this? How do we operationalize it? What does it mean to us? Is there a difference between us and the value of this thing? Those are much more interesting conversations. Alexandra Solomon: The idea, I guess the key to the constrained question - it involves a flip and an asking about what keeps us from a path that feels more healthy, more whole, more inviting, more collaborative. Neil Sattin: Right? And, as you reach for a constraint question instead, you may bump up against that place in you that wants to be the victim because the constraint question, what I notice immediately is it invites you into a conversation where you have shared responsibility for whatever's happening. Alexandra Solomon: Totally. Totally. Well, because when it comes to a lie, one of the really tricky things is - when we start to hide, we start to hide things, distort things when we don't trust, when we don't feel safe. So the lie can feel like the blatant obvious place to put the blame or the badness. But there's a very oftentimes really important things to look at about how do we respond when we're in the face of differences. Sometimes I may lie because it's, I'm really scared to be direct with you, to tell you what's really going on. Neil Sattin: Right. We had, Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson on the show talking about their book, Tell Me No Lies, which, and I love how they illustrate that, that there is a co-created dynamic there of how honesty is fostered, and truth telling in a relationship. Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. It's a lot of breathing. We have to really keep breathing when our partners share a truth that challenges us, that we disagree with, that we don't like. Okay. So keep breathing, keep breathing because if what you're saying is that you value transparency and honesty, then you got to keep breathing even when your partner is sharing something that you don't ... that you're struggling with. Neil Sattin: Yes. True. Isn't that the truth? Alexandra Solomon: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Neil Sattin: Maybe that would be a great place for us to end because I'm ... you spend the first half, I think of the lessons in the book are all about the work that we do within ourselves. It can be easy to ... One place where I've focused a lot on the show has been in the skills of being relational because the personal growth, like we're a very personal growth oriented world. So people neglect the growth that's around how you actually connect after you're growing personally. Neil Sattin: But what did you, how can I phrase this? What's so crucial from your perspective about the way that we approach our own growth, and how we bring that to our relationship? Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. One of the things that I say over and over again in the undergraduate course, and it pervades my work, which is the self awareness, self growth work isn't one and done. It's not like a thing we do for a month or a year or two years. It's something that we, it's a paradigm shift. It's a commitment to always seeing, to really taking ourselves as these unfolding projects, and that were never done, and we're never perfect, and thank goodness, and that it's this back and forth between my own intimacy with myself and how that opens me to intimacy with you. Alexandra Solomon: Then how intimacy with you turns me back towards intimacy with myself. So it's really just, I think the most important thing is holding onto that both those things are true at the same time. That I'm working on me while we're working on us, and working on us helps me work on me. That that's this ongoing back and forth. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I love that. It's true. It is an ongoing process. You offer some great ways in Loving Bravely to look at your own growth and how it, the bearing that it has on what you bring to relationships. So whether it's your beliefs about soulmates, or your beliefs about anger and confrontation, or what to expect in relationship, all those things are so important because if you're not illuminating them, they're going to drive you unconsciously or subconsciously. Alexandra Solomon: That's right. That's right. Even the whole, I could see a couple having a fight where it's about, "I thought you were my soul mate." What is a soul mate? Okay, great. So let's use rather than fighting about whether or not each other ... you are each other's soul mates, back up and have a conversation about how did you come to believe what you believe about soulmates? What ways that are a reflection of your family system, your cultural location? All of these little points of difference are really neat opportunities for expanding our own awareness, expanding our compassionate empathy for our partner, and how they're different from us, and how they view the world differently from us rather than them being threats. Neil Sattin: Do we have time for one more question? Alexandra Solomon: Sure. Go for it. Neil Sattin: Okay. This came up for me actually at the very beginning of our conversation, and what you just said reminded me of it, and that is you've talked about the power of creating our narrative and really getting to know ourselves well in what you were just saying, unpacking that with our partners. I'm wondering from your perspective, what's the balance between what we share with our partners about that narrative, like sharing with them about our history, and what we're discovering, and maybe where we don't necessarily have to share. Neil Sattin: And, on the flip side, I've actually gotten a lot of questions from people. Perhaps you run into this in your therapy as well when your sessions with clients around someone finding something out, and then having trouble forgetting it, or how do I live with knowing that this was my partner's experience? That could be something really bad that happened or it could even be like the knowledge that their partner had this amazing lover, and maybe they're not that. How do you help a couple navigate those kinds of questions? Alexandra Solomon: Yeah. Boy, that's a big one. The first thing I'm thinking is about early in a relationship, the idea that we really do need to earn each other's stories. I think that early in a relationship there can be either a fear of being seen, of somebody knowing like what if you knew the skeletons in my closet, you would head for the hills, or there can be an opposite of like, "okay, so you need to know all this stuff about me so that you can decide whether you can handle me or not handle me, or I want to know right now if you are up for this because I don't want to get invested and then have you flee." Alexandra Solomon: That's where the degree to which we can hold onto, with love and compassion, our own complexity that will help us navigate what is a really personal boundary around how and when we share. Alexandra Solomon: But the thing that we know for sure is that when I show myself to you, and you respond with empathy instead of judgment, that right there creates a loop that builds trust. So the degree to which you do that for me is the degree to which I will feel safe enough to share more about me, and that builds trust. Alexandra Solomon: The sharing, and the trust building, and the empathy do go hand in hand and they grow over time, and they're a process. Time is a really essential variable. That's what makes, I think I'm getting into a relationship, one of the things that makes getting into relationship so challenging is that, that it takes a while to build. It takes patience to share something, and then read the feedback of how your partner, how that person's responding to you. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and on the flip side, if you're responding with a, "I don't know what to do about this, or having discovered this. You waited three years to tell me whatever it is." What I'm hearing, and what you just said is that, that might be a reflection of your own judgment or fear. And hopefully that's something that you're then able to bring to the conversation. Alexandra Solomon: Right. Yeah, and when the partner, when our partner, if a partner shares something in year three of a relationship, usually it's when I see this happen with my couples, it tends to be something about when I was a kid I was abused or some piece of a story or my last relationship, I cheated. When that comes forward, hopefully it's coming forward in a way of like, "Listen, here's something difficult, and here's what I've done to understand it, to make sense of it, to heal, to grow. Here's what I commit to going forward." So that it's not just this kind of unfinished plop. Here's this thing which is plopped down in the space. Alexandra Solomon: Where there is, I think some responsibility on the person who's doing the sharing to have done their own work around it, to have forgiven themselves, to have healed from the trauma, to have done some work around healing the trauma, to understand the bigger picture of what the impact was, what the recovery looks like, how they practice their healing today. I think that helps the integration of new knowledge, be a little easier for the recipient. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Well, now I'm realizing it wasn't really fair of me to drop such a big question on you at the end, but I appreciate that you are willing to dive right in with me. That being said, let this be hopefully an invitation for you to come back at some future date where we can unpack that even more. Neil Sattin: In the meantime, Alexandra Solomon, thank you so much for being here with us today. Cearly, you are so wise and you have a lot of practical wisdom from also practicing with clients as well. Your book, Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want, I think is just so valuable. It's an easy read, and something that will definitely help you come to understand yourself in relationship way more than perhaps you already do. Neil Sattin: Again, if you want to download the transcript and guide for this episode, you can do that at neilsatting.com/bravely, as in Loving Bravely. You can also text the word PASSION to the number 33444, and follow the instructions, and I'll send you everything that you need along with links to find Alexandra Solomon, her book, and to get involved in her book group, and whatever else she has going on. Clearly lots of value there. Neil Sattin: So thank you so much again, Alexandra, for being with us here today. Alexandra Solomon: You're welcome. Thanks for having me on I appreciate it.  

Let’s jump right to the truth – Real love starts with you. In order to attract a life partner and build a healthy intimate relationship, you must first become a good partner to yourself. However, many of us enter into romantic relationships full of expectation and hope, only to be sorely disappointed by the realization that…

How mindful and aware are we of our relationships with others? What about in our relationship with ourselves? In this episode, globally recognized Dr. Alexandra Solomon joins host, Mike Domitrz, to discuss the brave, mindful process of digging and being with emotion and awareness without knowing the outcome, by way of the lessons included in her book, Loving Bravely. Mike and Dr. Solomon also explore the journey of discovery, the beauty and importance of self-appreciation, the stigma of therapy, and setting solid boundaries. Subscribe to the Everyday Mindfulness Show.   Key Takeaways: [2:15] Loving Bravely is a deep dive journey into dealing with the complexity of love. [4:24] Tools to help us access our compassion. [9:59] Loving Bravely opens up additional pathways to healing with the help of a therapist. [16:21] All the people we are connected to are our teachers. [27:26] How to get a copy of Loving Bravely.   Mentioned in This Episode: Loving Bravely, by Dr. Alexandra Solomon Family Institute Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl Emotion Focused Therapy   Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University, and the author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want (New Harbinger, 2017). In addition to being a couple therapist, Dr. Solomon trains graduate students, and teaches the internationally renowned undergraduate course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101. Dr. Solomon is a sought-after speaker and media commentator on the topic of love. DrAlexandraSolomon.com Facebook.com/dralexandrasolomon Twitter.com/ahsolomon   Contact Us: The Everyday Mindfulness Show listen@everydaymindfulnessshow.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week on Relationships 2.0 my guest is Alexandra Solomon, PhD author of Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want About the book: Real love starts with you. In order to attract a life partner and build a healthy intimate relationship, you must first become a good partner to yourself. This book offers twenty invaluable lessons that will help you explore and commit to your own emotional and psychological well-being so you can be ready, resilient, and confident in love. Many of us enter into romantic relationships full of expectation and hope, only to be sorely disappointed by the realization that the partner we’ve selected is a flawed human being with their own neuroses, history, and desires. Most relationships end because one or both people haven’t done the internal work necessary to develop self-awareness and take responsibility for their own experiences. We’ve all heard “You can’t love anyone unless you love yourself,” but amid life’s distractions and the myth of perfect, romantic love, how exactly do you do that? In Loving Bravely, psychologist, professor and relationship expert Alexandra H. Solomon introduces the idea of relational self-awareness, encouraging you to explore your personal history to gain an understanding of your own relational patterns, as well as your strengths and weaknesses in relationships. By doing so, you’ll learn what relationships actually require, beyond the fairytale notions of romance. And by maintaining a steady but gentle focus on yourself, you’ll build the best possible foundation for making a loving connection. By understanding your past relationship experiences, cultivating a strong sense of self-awareness, and determining what it is you really want in a romantic partner—you’ll be ready to find the healthy, lasting love your heart desires. About the author: Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is staff clinical psychologist, member of the teaching faculty in the marriage and family therapy graduate program, and clinical assistant professor of psychology at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. In addition to her clinical work with couples and individuals, Solomon teaches graduate and undergraduate students. One of her courses is Northwestern University’s internationally renowned “Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101,” which combines traditional and experiential learning to educate students about key relational issues like intimacy, sex, conflict, acceptance, and forgiveness. Solomon’s work has been widely cited, and her articles on love and marriage have appeared in The Handbook of Clinical Psychology, The Handbook of Couple Therapy, Family Process, Psychotherapy Networker, and other top publications in psychology. Her work also appears in O Magazine and The Huffington Post, and she is a frequent interviewee and contributor for the Oprah Winfrey Network, Yahoo! Health, The Atlantic, CBS Early Show, NPR, Psychology Today, and WGN Morning News. She is a sought-after speaker for corporate, collegiate, and professional audiences on topics related to modern love. Solomon lives in Highland Park, IL, with her husband, Todd, and their two children, Brian and Courtney.

Cathy and Todd talk with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, author of Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. They discuss why the past shows up in love relationships, the challenges of hookup culture, and how to listen with the “third ear”. They also discuss why self-awareness is essential, and why offering compassion to yourself and your partner are keys to connection. If you are in a marriage or partnership, or if you are interested in having a healthy partnership, this is a must-listen episode.

Cathy and Todd talk with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, author of Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. They discuss why the past shows up in love relationships, the challenges of hookup culture, and how to listen with the “third ear”. They also discuss why self-awareness is essential, and why offering compassion to yourself and your partner are keys to connection. If you are in a marriage or partnership, or if you are interested in having a healthy partnership, this is a must-listen episode.

Cathy and Todd talk with Dr. Alexandra Solomon, author of Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want. They discuss why the past shows up in love relationships, the challenges of hookup culture, and how to listen with the “third ear”. They also discuss why self-awareness is essential, and why offering compassion to yourself and your partner are keys to connection. If you are in a marriage or partnership, or if you are interested in having a healthy partnership, this is a must-listen episode.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University and a clinical assistant Professor in the Department of Psychology at Northwestern University. She received her PhD in Counseling Psychology. During graduate school, she was awarded the Dr. John J.B. Morgan Fellowship and worked at The Family Institute at Northwestern University as a research and clinical fellow. She recently wrote a book called Loving Bravely and in this episode we talk about deepening communication within relationships, the impact of online dating, building a deeper intimate connection with your partner and everything relationships. Subscribe on iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher Radio, TuneIn For more episodes visit us at ManTalks.comFacebook | Instagram | Twitter  Some questions Connor asks... Could you share a defining moment for you? (3:53) For singles, what are some things they can do to prep themselves to enter into relationships, in the most powerful way possible? (7:24) How do you think social media dating apps are effecting the dynamics between men & women? (20:29) What are some of the common struggles that you see between men & women in relationships? (27:00) What are some best practices that you would recommend to couples for healthy levels of communication? (31:00) Did you enjoy the podcast? If so please leave us a review on iTunes or Stitcher. It helps our podcast get into the ears of new listeners, which expands the ManTalks community!   Thank You to the Team: Editing & Mixing by: Aaron Johnson Theme music by: Parlange & Latenite Automatic

Welcome to episode 359 of Sexology Podcast! Today I am delighted to be speaking with Alexandra Solomon. In this episode, we discuss how sexual self-awareness involves understanding societal messages, the evolving nature of sexuality in long-term relationships and the need to break free from narrow sexual scripts.  Over the last two decades, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world.  Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101.  In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back. Dr. Solomon regularly presents to diverse groups that include the United States Military Academy at West Point and Microsoft, and she is frequently asked to talk about relationships with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American.    In this episode, you will hear:  The importance of relational self-awareness in a healthy relationship Relational self-awareness involves looking at one's own behavior in a relationship How sexual self-awareness involves understanding societal messages  The importance of unlearning and relearning about one's sexuality How different sexual scripts can affect relationships The evolving nature of sexuality in long-term relationships Reminiscing can be a way to connect and maintain desire in a relationship Encouraging men to move away from performance-based sex  The need to break free from narrow sexual scripts  Cozy Earth This week's episode was sponsored by Cozy Earth. Use the code SEXOLOGY to get 40% off all products: https://cozyearth.com/discount/SEXOLOGY   Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sexologypodcast  Podcast Produced by Pete Bailey - http://petebailey.net/audioAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Welcome to episode 327 of Sexology Podcast! Today I am delighted to be speaking with Dr. Alexandra Solomon. In this episode, we discuss maintaining great sex in a long-term relationship, boosting your sexual confidence and learning to step into your erotic self.  Over the last two decades, Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon has become one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her work on Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the world.   Dr. Solomon is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, and she is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University where she teaches the internationally renowned course, Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101. In addition to writing articles and chapters for leading academic journals and books in the field of marriage and family, she is the author of two bestselling books, Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back.   Dr. Solomon regularly presents to diverse groups that include the United States Military Academy at West Point and Microsoft, and she is frequently asked to talk about relationships with media outlets like The Today Show, O Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and Scientific American.  In this episode, you will hear:   Maintaining great sex in a long-term relationship Understanding the dynamics of sex and intimacy  Cultivating self-awareness and relational safety  How you can repair damaged parts of your sex life Ways in which you can boost your sexual confidence Tools you can use to better communicate with your partner Cultivating the positive aspects of your relationship inside and outside the bedroom Learning to step into your erotic self   Thank you to our sponsor FirmTech. Use the promo code Moali20 to get 20% at myfirmtech.com.  Instagram https://www.instagram.com/sexologypodcast   Podcast Produced by Pete Bailey - http://petebailey.net/audioAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy