The What If Experience

I might have used that question before, now that I think about it. Oh well, this, my friends, is an update episode, and it's coming at you a little sooner than I'd originally planned. I'm really not due for an update until July, which means I should have a whole ‘nother month to get my eating back under control before I have to tell you I did great for six weeks, then fell hard off the wagon. But, I've had some big shifts going on and I wanted to talk about those with you this week. A few months ago when I did the first quarterly update of the year, I mentioned that I hadn't planned on doing any serious changes in my work, career, or business bucket, but that some opportunities had come up that changed my mind and shifted my focus. Therefore, I'm working on a new business launch, I think I mentioned that in last week's episode. I mentioned I was going to have a crazy-intense Teddy-Roosevelt-style planning weekend. Which I did! I'm on the other side of that experience now and I thought I'd let you know three things: what I learned and a decision that came from it. Three Things I Learned In My Deep Work Weekend First, I learned that three days of non-stop deep work is mentally exhausting! By Monday evening, I was pretty much DONE. And not ready for normal life to start again on Tuesday. At that point, on Monday evening, I was regretting the intensity of the weekend and mourning the loss of a holiday. I was tired and drained. But, now that I'm a few days past the experience, I'm glad I did it that way. I got through everything I needed to…basically every action step in a six-week course completed over 2-1/2 days. Plus, I have a detailed, actionable plan for the next nine months. I learned it helps to have your space and your tasks well organized. We can spend a lot of time messing around getting to the work…instead of doing the work if we have to figure out what to do next, what we need, where we're headed or where we left off. Creating a plan helps significantly because you have a path mapped out. But, so does keeping track of what you've accomplished. When you're stopping work for a break, or even choosing to follow a distraction or be interrupted in a normal work environment, writing down two things when you break, will help a lot. Make a note of where you are and what exactly you need to do next. When you come back to it, you'll be able to step back into the work far more easily. I learned that mind-absorbing breaks really help restore focus. We talked about this last month, that rest really isn't doing nothing. And, this is one of those instances where head knowledge has now been replaced by heart knowledge. Saturday after a full day of deep work, we took the evening completely off. What my habit has been in the past is that even during downtime, I'm still thinking about my work. Even if I'm not focusing on it, my mind is still going at it sideways. So, instead of chilling at home surrounded by the work, we switched environments and went to a movie, something that would fully capture my attention and give my mind a break. And it totally worked, I was refreshed and ready to return to it the next day. But What Else? That's three tips from my deep work weekend, but we need to talk about something else, too. One of the decisions I had to make in the planning process was about this podcast. This is, unfortunately, going to be the last episode of this show. It has been tremendously fun to do for the past almost two years, but it's time for me to make some changes in my schedule to make room for other things. Are you familiar with the Jim Collins quote, “Good is the enemy of great”? That's where I am with this show right now. It's good - I love doing it, I know it helps people (because y'all tell me it does). But, it has some limitations and I need to set it aside. I've been knowing this decision was probably going to shake out this way for about three months and I've been in mourning. But, in the last few months we've been talking about rest, and the need for space in our lives to do great work and live at our best. So,  I'm closing the cover on this show. The episodes won't go away, you can refer back to them at any time. I discovered in the last few years that I really enjoy podcasting. I love the process, I love the result, I love that it's helped people. So, I'm not leaving the podcasting world, but I am switching focus a bit. One of the limitations of this show is that it is not a faith-based show. While it's not a secret that I'm a Christ-follower, the intent of the show is not to talk about my beliefs. The show is based on the questions I'm working through in my life and when I'm asking hard questions, about things like priorities, or brokenness, or aging…my belief is that the real answers lie in Christ. I've never felt that I wasn't authentic in my episodes, but I do want to be able to explore spiritual truths in a deeper way. I'll be launching a new podcast called Words In Action at the end of July for two kinds of people: Christians who are avid readers and want to take action on books they're reading, and Christians who know that there are a lot of good books out there and either don't like to read or don't have time. We'll be digging into one or two books a month, and developing a community while we think about and apply wisdom from the books to life in practical ways. I believe that words from wise authors put into action can transform lives. It will actually be very similar to this show, but focused on books rather than my own wandering attention. If you're interested in that, I'd love for you to check it out. If you're listening to this episode as it's released, we're going to do some pre-launch book reading in the community for the summer so come join me as a pre-launch founding member, I'd love to have you along. You can find that community at wordsinaction.group. Thank you so much for listening all these months, we'll wrap up this show with 87 episodes which is kind of astonishing for a girl who struggles with maintaining consistency in most areas of life. I've been so grateful for your support, your responsiveness, and your willingness to come along on this journey of questions with me. much love, michelle

“A commitment to deep work…is a pragmatic recognition that the ability to concentrate is a skill that gets valuable things done. Deep work is important in other words, not because distraction is evil, but because it enabled Bill Gates to start a billion dollar industry in less than a semester” ~ Cal Newport. I've been tossing statistics at my son this month about multitasking, distraction, and focus. He, I think, feels like they're hand grenades. He's taking them personally as if I'm insulting the things he loves. He loves video games. He loves random videos of ducks quacking to Prince's "Purple Rain." Not that that exists. In my mind, it would actually be sacrilegious. I'm sure he'd think it was hysterical. I'm not objecting to the things he loves. He has a pretty sophisticated sense of humor and other than when the preteen boy hormones kick in, the things he shows me are really funny. It's just that I'm taking a hard look at how our habits are affecting our lives. Especially our mental habits. And the more I read, the more concerned I am that we're changing our minds in ways that aren't healthy. Basically, the results of my research say this: We live in a culture that is full of distractions which we both invite and have come to crave. We think we can do more by multitasking and we can't. We're losing the ability to concentrate and focus for more than a few minutes at a time. This is causing mostly negative changes to our work, our health, the way our brains function, how we experience emotion, and how we act within relationships. Even in the midst of writing this episode, I just caught myself somehow watching a video of people being scared by excessively large fake spiders. What? A lost few minutes of life I'll never regain. Even though I'm hyper-aware of it this month, I'm still struggling with distraction. I am improving though. I thought to wrap up this month, I'd share some of the things that have worked for me as I've been putting into practice ideas that I've come across. These might be a bit random, but they were either new ideas to me, or I found them surprisingly helpful after trying them. Reduce Multitasking. As much as possible, I'm doing one thing at a time. When I'm not, I'm choosing to multitask intentionally, knowing I'm taking a productivity hit. This means in the car, cooking dinner, working, talking to friends…all the situations I might have previously been multitasking, I'm not doing so anymore. Are there things not getting done because of it? No, not that I'm aware of, except I may be missing out on some videos. Not spider vs. crying child videos, but marketing videos or educational videos. So far, I'm not feeling the loss. And the work that I am doing is better. This is an easy change to make and just requires noticing when you're multitasking and choosing one thing at a time. This is one of those things that you really should try instead of just hearing me talk about it. Choose a day. Go through it doing one thing at a time. See how hard it is, how it affects your mind, your productivity, and your work. Schedule shenanigans. We have the ability to concentrate intensely for no more than 5-6 hours a day altogether. So, schedule that time when you're at your best and limit busy work to the best of your ability. Restrict those shallow things more than you think you can and schedule it when you normally feel the least productive. For me that's between 2 and 4 pm. Be Hard to Reach. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't have to be available all hours of the day. I don't have to be available to clients, friends, facebook acquaintances and random app notifications 24/7/365. I can limit the ways I'm reached and I can limit the times I'm available to all those people. You are in charge of the use of your time, not random strangers, not your phone, not even your friends. Productive Meditation. This has been a game changer for me. It's a practice to help you learn rapidly the skills needed for deep thinking. The idea is to structure a thought exercise and practice it while doing something physical that requires no thought. So, walking, biking, swimming laps, or running for example. Here's how to do it. Choose a single, well-defined problem. Determine what you're you trying to solve. Ask yourself what the next step question is that you have to answer to get you to a solution. As you're walking (or whatever other activity you chose), think about the options to answer that question. Every time your mind wanders, loops around to something you've already covered or wanders off topic, just bring your attention back to the problem. When you've answered the problem, review your solution. If you find an answer before you've finished walking, ask what the next step in the project is and start again Shutdown Ritual. Downtime is critical to productive concentration. Our minds need the downtime. But, it's very easy for unfinished business to intrude on our downtime. In order to close the door on work for the day, when you're ready to switch to home mode, try following a shutdown ritual. This shouldn't take more than ten or fifteen minutes at the end of the day. It will prepare you to start the following day in a productive manner and will help close the mental loops on work issues. Here's a sample routine. Scan your email for anything that needs an urgent reply before tomorrow. Scan your calendar a few days ahead to know what needs to be dealt with. Review anything you didn't get done and make sure you have a plan to complete it or have a way to capture it to make a plan later, like a reminder. Create a plan for the following day. Do something specific to indicate your ritual is complete and your brain can relax. Cal Newport says out loud, “Shutdown Complete” but you could close and stack your planner and pens a certain way on your desk. You could pack up your laptop and clean your area. You could stand and say done and breathe deeply a few times. Whatever you choose, keep it the same and make it specific so that it becomes a trigger for your mind to leave work mode. This isn't something I've done before and my work location and practices are far from consistent. I do often practice checking my email and schedule, but I tend to never actually intentionally switch work mode off. I'm looking forward to trying this. I think it may save my sanity. Practice Resistance I found this really easy and interesting. It's essentially practicing delayed gratification in small steps. One way I'm doing it is setting a timer for 30-minute work sessions. I'm not checking email, using the internet, or any other app on my phone until that session is done. It doesn't have to be 30 minutes. It doesn't even really matter if you do whatever you're delaying sooner than you'd planned. Unless, like me, you're killing digital trees in your Forest app when you ditch the plan. Then it matters! The point is to simply practice the art of resisting distraction. Practice choosing focus. Teddy Roosevelt's Approach As a Harvard student, Teddy Roosevelt got a crazy amount of things accomplished outside of school work and made good grades, mostly honors, while studying significantly less time each day than his classmates. He had tons of interests outside of school, including writing books. He managed to include all of his interests in his life, including publishing books by blocking out his workday - including classes, workouts, and meals. Then in the leftover time between those scheduled blocks of time, he studied. In the evenings he was free to pursue his projects and interests. That meant that he had far less time than most to hit the books, so the time he spent studying, he had to really double down. The application for us is to similarly set an artificial or real deadline to accomplish your goal, one that requires you to cut out the fluff. Create a need to work super-intensely, or be faced with not accomplishing what must be done. I heard an interview with the founder of Basecamp not long ago in which he was talking about what happened when he cut the company work week back to four eight-hour days in the summer. Because they had less time, they cut out the things that didn't matter, the wasted time and still accomplished everything they needed to. I have a business strategy weekend planned over the holiday weekend. Probably by the time you listen to this, it will be over, or almost over. Three days. Multiple two-hour sessions per day. Fourteen to sixteen hours total to plan the next year of a new business. That might sound like a lot, but there's a ton of work to do. This is a Teddy Roosevelt weekend with the evenings devoted to mental downtime. I'm excited to see how far I can get by the end of Memorial Day. I'm going to leave you today with one more quote from Deep Work, The deep life, of course, is not for everybody. It requires hard work and drastic changes to your habits. For many, there's a comfort in the artificial busyness of rapid email messaging, and social media posturing, while the deep life demands that you leave much of that behind. There's also an uneasiness that surrounds any effort to produce the best things you're capable of producing, as this forces you to confront the possibility that your best is not (yet) that good. It's safer to comment on our culture than to step into the Rooseveltian ring and attempt to wrestle it into something better. I know my personality is geared toward the deep, it's my natural bias. But, the uneasiness felt when stepping out of your comfort zone is still scary. The resistance Steven Pressfield talks about in the War of Art is a real thing. Social media has turned us all into armchair experts where our love of comfort keeps us curled up with a bunch of empty opinions and a rapidly shrinking ability to create important things. But, I'm not satisfied with that. While I may never win a Nobel Prize, I may never do important things according to the world's measurements, I'm going to make my time matter. I'm taking control of my attention and doing my part to wrestle our culture into something better. I'd love you to step into that ring with me.

I started a writing project ten months ago. When I started having to produce an article every day, I realized I was having trouble focusing. We tend to believe that focus is like a light switch, we just turn it either on or off when the necessity or the mood strikes us. But the truth is that research is finding that's not what happens. When we develop brain patterns that impede our ability to focus, when we don't train that ability, when we want to flip that switch on, nothing happens. We live in a world that attacks our ability to focus at every turn. Cal Newport's book Deep Work says this, “there's increasing evidence that this shift toward the shallow, is not a choice that can easily be reversed. Spend enough time in a state of frenetic shallowness and you permanently reduce your capacity to do deep work.” The work that pays my bills right now is by nature full of distraction and driven by interruptions. It completely fits Newport's definition of shallow work. I need to be highly accurate in a distracted environment, so in that respect, focus is important for me, but it doesn't require sustaining that attention for more than a few minutes nor does it require any type of deep thought. So, I've found that I'm out of practice at thinking. How can that be? We think all the time, right? Our minds run and run and run. We react, we plan, we socialize, we talk, but how much of that is really thinking? “Consumerism” has several (and often contradictory) definitions. One of those explanations is the selfish and frivolous collecting of products, or in other words, economic materialism. Generally, in our culture, we engage in consumerism without much thought. We're culturally biased to consume and consume. Most of us, even those critical of economic materialism, readily engage in the psychological and mental equivalent. We allow a constant barrage of input into our minds. We consume and consume. We lunge after any new tidbit of information without thinking about it. We actually go further than just allowing it, we invite, encourage and enable it. One study from the University of California-San Diego indicates that people are inundated with the equivalent of 34 Gb (gigabytes) of information every day, which if you were a laptop, would overload you within a week. Good thing we're not laptops, right? According to Tech 21 Century, the main effect of information overload is that the human attention to focus is continually hampered and interrupted. We talked about that last week. American psychiatrist Edward Hallowell says we're so busy processing the mostly superficial information we're receiving from all directions that we lose the ability to think and feel. If you think that's an exaggeration, studies that indicate that the way we are currently training our brains to think, the constantly disrupted mental state we've come to accept as normal, is hampering our ability to feel empathy for others in addition to other deeply felt emotions. Brain plasticity doesn't only result in positive changes. It results in negative ones as well. A constant barrage of stimuli has become the norm. While we might intellectually understand and agree that it has a downside when we see a news headline, read a blog post, or listen to a podcast like this one, we're remarkably apathetic in applying that information. I learned some things about myself when I started my writing project last summer. I mentioned that I learned that I'm out of practice at thinking. That's true. I also learned I'm good and bad at different types of thinking. As much as I loved my college freshman small group philosophy course, I'm no philosopher. I'm not good at teasing out the ramifications of complicated problems. And, I'm not the research scientist that can spend twenty years digging deep into a very specific question. But, what I am good at is taking information that's out there and applying it in practical ways. That's the essence of this podcast, me applying available information to improve my life, and maybe yours if you apply it too. We have so much information available to us. We're overloaded and overwhelmed with information. But we aren't strategic about what we're paying attention to and we aren't applying it for our own benefit. Recently, I heard it put this way in the context of business development. People don't need information, we have more than enough information. People need transformation. According to Maura Thomas, attention management is the most important skill to have in the 21st century. She believes that people should stop worrying about time management and focus on attention management. The ability to control distractions and stay focused is essential. As I've been thinking and reading about attention, I've noticed mine more and more. Just that act of noticing has begun to change the way I move through life. It's changing the decisions I'm making and my awareness and control over my own experience. We'll talk more about the transformation of our thought patterns next week, but this week, I want to encourage you to do three things. I want you to pay attention to three things. First, pay attention to the information coming at you. Where is it coming from? How are you responding to it? This might be external information like that coming from friends and family, media sources, or your environment, but it's also internal information. It's about eight in the evening as I'm working on this podcast and all the sudden I became uncomfortable in the skirt I was wearing. Before I knew it I'd set my laptop aside and had stood up to change into pajama pants. Right in the middle of a thought. I became uncomfortable and before I knew it, not even a second later, I was on my feet. What I should have done was notice that I was uncomfortable and finish my thought or finish a section of work and then get up to change. That's internal information. Information comes from all around and inside of us. Begin to notice it as it comes and how you respond to it. Pay attention to your ability to focus. How long are you staying on task? When you set yourself to a task, any task, it could be cooking dinner, reading a book, or talking to your spouse. How long before your mind looks for a distraction? How long before you find yourself thinking about a conversation with your boss as your spouse tells you about his or her day? How long before your mind wanders off to the weekend when you're supposed to be writing a work report? How much brainpower are you able to harness and how long can you sustain it? Pay attention to where your attention is. Begin to notice what you're thinking about and when. I ran across a whole new world this week. Mental athletes. They compete in mental competitions all over the world. The competitors might be memorizing random shapes, words, names and faces, the shuffled order of a deck of cards or a string of numbers. They might be performing calculations or solving mental puzzles. Daniel Kilov is a memory athlete able to memorize a shuffled deck of cards in less than two minutes. When he spoke at TEDx Canberra, he said that most failures of memory are failures of attention. Your goal doesn't have to be memorizing a deck of cards in a few minutes, though that would be a fun party trick. But if you want to improve your thinking, your brain function, your memory, the first thing to pay attention to is whether or not you're paying attention to your own life. There's a lot highlighted by the work by Cal Newport, Maura Thomas, Edward Hallowell, and others that bothers me. One of those things is this. If I, as an individual, lose my capacity to do deep work, and deep work as defined by Newport is “the ability to perform in a state of distraction-free concentration that pushes your cognitive capabilities to their limit”. If I lose my ability to focus, concentrate and work intensely over a period of time. I'm negatively impacting my own life and potentially my ability to care for my family. But if, as a culture, we lose the ability to do deep work, we lose a critical skill for our species. We lose the ability to solve tough problems. We lose the ability to create deeply meaningful works of art. We lose the ability to expand our knowledge. We as a people, lose so much potential. Potential to create. Potential to learn. Potential to solve problems. That's a disturbing loss. We aren't solving the problems plaguing us now very well. I'm certain we'll continually have more. Darren Hardy says, “The first step toward change is awareness. If you want to get from where you are to where you want to be, you have to start by becoming aware of the choices that lead you away from your desired destination.” My goal today is to make you aware and encourage you to pay attention to your own habits and choices. Let's talk next week about how to respond to that awareness.

Let's jump right in with statistics today. Inc. Magazine says that we're spending an average of just 1 minute and 15 seconds on a task before being interrupted. Other statistics say that it takes 23-25 minutes to get back on track after an interruption. To put it another way, Dr. Gloria Mark, from the Donald Bren School of Information and Computer Sciences at the University of California, found that average information workers are interrupted every three minutes. If you do some super-high-level complicated math with me, that comes out to about 20 times every hour. Research shows that we typically don't return immediately to the task that was interrupted, either. We usually tackle two other tasks before returning to the original one. Most of those twenty-time-an-hour interruptions are very minor. About four of them every hour are more serious interruptions. If you're paying attention to how all those numbers work together (and why would you, that's why I'm here), the interruptions, the being sidetracked, the time to get back into what you were doing…you'd realize that there's no way we're completing our work. And yet, things do get done. Studies looking at that question found that first, we do push many tasks off until later. And second, we do actually complete tasks, but they're being done more quickly than they should be and with more mistakes. Those are all work-related statistics. But, the same thing is happening to us at home, in our cars, and at the dinner table. I'm fairly certain no one will argue with me when I say that we live in a world full of distractions. With the advent of cell phones, we now have many of those distractions in our hand at all times. A study commissioned by Nokia showed that users check their smartphones an average of 150 times during a waking day of 16 hours. With more high-level math, I figure that's every 6-1/2 minutes. This is what we think of when we hear the word distraction, and these are a big deal. They affect our productivity in work and happiness in life. But, they're not the only kind of distraction we deal with. External Distractions External distractions are typically what come to mind when someone says the word “distraction”. Co-workers stopping by your desk to talk about last nights devastating seventh-game loss in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Yeah, I don't want to talk about that. Now you're stuck reliving it with every acquaintance that sees you in the hallway. The phone ringing. A loud sound from the next room. The dog sticking his cold nose against your leg. The really awful music playing in the coffee shop where you're working. Your boss calling you. The constant notifications on your phone. These are all external distractions. What can you do about them? How can you control external distractions? To some degree, you can't. But, you do have more control than you think. When you need an uninterrupted span of time, Unplug from browsers and phones. Turn off all the notifications on that phone. Lock your door. Stop checking email. Put your headphones on. Put a sign on your chair, your desk, or your door that says you're busy, please do not disturb unless you're on fire. Remember, your technology is for your convenience. Your phone is available to you so that you have access to people and services when you want that access. It's not there so that anyone can hijack your time and attention whenever they please. Obviously, there are some situations which you can't control, but more often than not, you can drastically reduce external distractions by setting and communicating boundaries. Internal Distractions External distractions are only part of the puzzle, though. Surprisingly, studies find that external distractions don't explain many of the distractions we experience. They're actually coming from inside of us. An internal distraction might be a sudden urge to check the weather. Again. A need to make a non-critical phone call right now, stopping what you're doing for a candy bar, texting a friend, or checking to see how many likes we have on our last post—even though we just looked a moment ago and we've received no new notifications since then. Why do we do it? Habit We've trained ourselves to be constantly receiving input. Our brains get a shot of dopamine when we see a text notification and that encourages us to do it again. Yes, the chemistry is against us. But, we also have created those habits. I realized last week that I'm automatically reaching for my phone at stop lights. On a 12 minute drive. I don't need to look at my phone on a twelve-minute drive. And yet I'm habituated to pick it up whenever I stop. I also have a habit of turning to it when I have any break in activity or input. We head straight for our phones when the stream of input stops. Fear We avoid the hard things by distracting ourselves. This isn't only the hard stuff like relationships or work problems, though it includes those things. It's also things like silence. Being alone with our own thoughts. Or, dealing with failure. Fear can send us straight to distraction because it's so much easier. Avoidance And I just hinted at another reason we distract ourselves. Avoidance. We're avoiding pain, fear, work, effort, people, or our own inner monologue. Distractions keep us from hearing, seeing, or feeling things we're uncomfortable with. And we spend an awful lot of effort to stay comfortable. Eliminating internal distractions is trickier than external ones. Breaking and reforming habits, training our brave muscles to not live life out of fear and learning to be willing to feel discomfort are a lot more difficult, are a lot harder work than locking a door or turning off phone notifications. But, they also have a higher potential to create a distraction-free life. When we think about distraction, we're often thinking about productivity. But, there are other things we get distracted from. Distractions From the Present We are constantly being pulled away from the present. We let texts, emails, and social media interrupt and distract us from conversations we're having now. We let worries and anxiety interrupt and distract us from experiences we're having now. We let the television or YouTube distract us from the people next to us. Whether we're intentionally using distraction or allowing it to happen, it's one of the most destructive forces to our presence in our own life. It's choosing that a social media post from someone you barely know is more important than the conversation you're having right now. It's choosing that a fear or worry about something that might happen is more important than what's actually happening. It's choosing that what's happening on a screen is more important than the real world around you. I've had a parenting crisis develop in the last few days. I have some tough choices to make that affect my son and his summer plans. He had a piano recital last night. It was really hard to set aside the worry and the trying to figure out what to do, but that performance of his would never happen again. The decision didn't need to be made last night, I needed to sleep on it anyway. So, letting worry and anxiety distract me from the evening with him made no sense. It wasn't easy to set aside that distraction, but it was worth it. Distractions from the present kill happiness, damage relationships, and inhibit life experiences. Distractions From Our Mission There's one more type of distraction I want to mention today as well. Distraction from mission. Do you have a mission in life? A purpose? Do you have roles you want to succeed in, like parenting or your career? Do you have goals you want to achieve? I had a pastor friend once who used to say that sheep don't typically choose a big adventure and get lost. They nibble themselves lost. They notice a patch of grass next to the path they're on and pause to take a few bites. Then they look up and see another bit of enticing green a few steps away and they step over and nibble that. Doing that a few times without paying attention makes it really easy to look up a half hour later and realize you have no idea where you are. You've nibbled yourself lost. While my pastor friend was talking about sin in our lives, the analogy has served me well in a lot of other situations. It applies to distraction as well. One distraction easily leads to another and before you know it you're lost. If you've ever started reading an online article about the upcoming political summit in Europe and 20 minutes later realized you were now watching a YouTube video about talking to baby animals, you've experienced this phenomenon. Not that I've ever done that. Nope. Definitely not. On a larger scale, this happens with our lives and our goals as well. If you aren't paying attention, if you don't have a practice that keeps your goal or life direction in front of you, the distractions of life will creep in and you'll nibble yourself off the path you want to be on. Why does it matter? A classic book of psychology was published in 1890. In it, William James wrote, “My experience is what I agree to attend to.” That statement is still true today. Maura Thomas, who is said to be the most oft-cited writer on attention management, says it this way, “Your attention determines the experiences you have and the experiences you have determine the life you live. Or said another way: you must control your attention to control your life.” This month as we talk about our attention, realize the point is not just to be more productive at work. The reason our attention matters is that what we pay attention to prospers. What we pay attention to creates the life we live. So, as I close this episode today, think about these two questions: What are you paying attention to? And, how much are you allowing yourself to be distracted from it?

I'm hungry for productivity. I want ways to get more done in less time. We all do. Time is one of our most limited resources in the day and age. The are thousands of articles, books, systems, workshops and products geared toward making us more productive. One of the things we all do to get more done is multitask. Whether it's geared toward increasing work output or just that we're afraid we'll miss something if we don't, we tend to multitask our way through life. We listen to podcasts or television while we cook. We scroll facebook while we watch Netflix. We talk or listen while we drive or walk. We listen to a webinar while we answer emails. We email while we're in a meeting. My son watches or listens to YouTube while he plays games on his computer. And he's not alone. Dr. Clifford Nass, a psychology professor at Stanford University, says (and I'm quoting from an interview on NPR), “the top 25 percent of Stanford students are using four or more media at one time whenever they're using media. So when they're writing a paper, they're also Facebooking, listening to music, texting, Twittering, et cetera. And that's something that just couldn't happen in previous generations even if we wanted it to.” Lest you think this is just a new media problem or a bash technology episode, it's not. This quote, “To do two things at once is to do neither.” Wasn't said by a 21st-century researcher. It's attributed to Publilius Syrus, a Roman slave in the first century B.C. Obviously, this issue of multitasking has been around long before smartphones. I routinely walked around with an open book in front of my face reading when I was a kid. I know this has always been an issue for me. Let's take the lid off though and see how effective it actually is. First, I need to say that you can go ahead and consider yourself a fantastic multi-tasker. You absolutely are. Supremely talented even. Because you're breathing, moving, walking, reaching, digesting your lunch, doing all sorts of things that are involuntary and second nature while you're accomplishing tasks that take more thought. It's the more complex tasks, the ones that take more thought that tend to trip us up, though. We think we can do several of those at the same time. But, we actually can't. I mean it might look like I'm listening to a podcast and cooking a new recipe for dinner, but I'm actually not multi-tasking. I'm switch-tasking. My brain is doing only one of those things at the same time. It's switching back and forth between the two tasks. It's doing so pretty quickly, but it's only actually processing information from one of those activities at a time. If I really think about that, I know it's true. If I'm doing something I don't use a recipe for, something like a stir-fry, where I'm just chopping vegetables and not measuring, reading a recipe or following a real instructional list, it's much easier to listen to something and cook. There's a good chance I'm more distracted than I think I am though because I'll routinely forget to include something I'd intended to. If I'm following a recipe, though, it's much tougher. I'll re-read. I'll lose track of where I am, I'll realize that I've either done one or the other thing. I've either read and understood the recipe or I've listened to the audio. I'll often miss audio while I'm paying attention to the recipe or have to re-read the recipe because I was paying attention to the audio. Generally, a loss in productivity or forgetting to put the mushrooms in a stir-fry just means dinner takes a little longer to cook and I have mushrooms for an omelet in the morning. But, that loss of productivity is a bigger deal at work. Conservative estimates are that we have a 40% loss in productivity when we multitask. We might think we're being more efficient, but we're not. A 40% loss. That's a big deal. Actually, the news is worse than that. Studies show that multitasking results not only in the 40% reduction in productivity, but also higher cortisol or stress levels, up to a 10 or 15 point drop in IQ (that's more than smoking weed by the way), more mistakes, decreased memory function, higher anxiety, impaired creativity, an inability to reach or maintain a flow state, and an inability to process visual input. So, I suppose, if you have more productivity, creativity, and IQ than you need, or if you could use more stress, mistakes, and anxiety, I'd say, go ahead. Multitask to your heart's content. But, for the rest of us mere mortals, we need to seriously re-think some habits and approaches to our work. Here are several suggestions for reducing multitasking. Block out specific time for single activities. Spend a specific amount of time on one task. Be ruthless. Do whatever you need to do to not switch tasks. This will be really tough, but, it does get easier with practice. Batch process activities. Rather than return phone calls as they happen, set aside time to do them all at once. Rather than choose your meals for the week during each day, choose all your meals for the week at a specific time on Sunday evening. This is an efficiency practice. A productivity hack. But, the relationship to today's topic is that you're doing only that thing at that time. By batching them together you don't have the start-stop time that your brain needs to end one task and start another. You don't incur the productivity losses that switching tasks causes. Do not leave your inbox open all the time. Choose a twenty-minute window to do all your email. This is batch processing and blocked out time all at once, but email is such a major offender in the realm of multitasking, that it's worth calling it out. Eliminate your phone and laptop notifications. Turn the sounds off. Wean yourself from those little red circles or the sounds that trigger a reach for the phone every single time someone wants to share a piano-playing cat video with you. And lastly, let's talk about driving for just a moment. I could spend an entire episode here, but I'm not, You already know this. I'm just going to remind you and point a few things out. Distracted driving is deadly. If you wouldn't drive drunk, don't drive distracted. From distraction.gov comes this statistic: Five seconds is the average time your eyes are off the road while texting. When traveling at 55mph, that's enough time to cover the length of a football field essentially blindfolded. It's not just texting, being on social media, or checking email. It's talking on the phone as well. The University of Utah published a statistic that says that “Using a cell phone while driving, whether it's hand-held or hands-free, delays a driver's reactions as much as having a blood alcohol concentration at the legal limit of .08 percent” If you're like me and have said that talking on a cell phone is no different than talking to passengers, well, we're wrong. Studies show that conversations with people in the same vehicle are markedly different and less distracting than cell phone conversations due to the behavior of both the passengers and the drivers in those conversations. You might be thinking right now, “This whole episode doesn't apply to me. I'm really good at multitasking.” I'm here to burst your bubble. Are you Ready? The Stanford psychologist I quoted earlier, Dr. Clifford Nass, says, The research is almost unanimous, which is very rare in social science, and it says that people who chronically multitask show an enormous range of deficits. They're basically terrible at all sorts of cognitive tasks, including multitasking…we have scales that allow us to divide up people into people who multitask all the time and people who rarely do, and the differences are remarkable. People who multitask all the time can't filter out irrelevancy. They can't manage a working memory. They're chronically distracted. Plus, people who think they are good at multitasking generally have a lower capacity for simultaneous thought. They're actually less good at it than people who consider themselves less skilled. So, if you've been thinking all along that you're the exception, the odds are overwhelming that you're not. I wish I'd done this experiment last week, but I didn't. I ran across an article by Peter Bregman in The Harvard Business Review detailing a week-long experiment on himself. He tried to completely eliminate multitasking and see what happened. I'm going to quickly summarize the six things he says he learned. It was delightful. He was surprised at how much more deeply engaged he became with the people and surroundings in his life. He made significant progress on challenging projects. Instead of distracting himself when things got hard, he persisted and experienced breakthroughs. His stress level dropped significantly. He lost all patience for things he felt were not a good use of his time. He had no tolerance for wasted time because he wasn't distracting himself during it. He had tremendous patience for things he found worthwhile and enjoyable. Like family and relationships. There was no downside. He lost nothing by not multitasking. I think that's really interesting. It's not a generic study. It's a real guy with a real family and real work projects who surprised himself by bearing out the results of the science. Could you do it? Could you go a whole week without multitasking? Could you go a day? One car trip? I challenge you to try.

I'm writing this after a tough month. I'm wiped out. Sort of. I am really tired. I just got home from a boy scout camping weekend. I came home early because I have a charity event tonight. And before I could start working on this episode, before I leave for the event, I laid my head down and took a 10-minute-power nap. I'm tired. But not as depleted as I expected to be after this month was over. That in itself is a glimmer of improvement. I knew talking about rest all month was somewhat ironic as it was a really draining month. But, it underscored the importance of the topic in my life and it helped me along the way as I had a busy schedule and a lot of stressful events. We talked about sleep early on and my sleep has improved. I've darkened my room and I've noticed a difference. I've made a point to go to sleep earlier and it's made a difference. I've paid attention to how sleep affects my decisions, my patience and my ability to think. I've noticed, for example, I make terrible decisions about food when I'm tired. Things I normally would be able to resist, I eat when I'm tired. And by “things” I generally mean cookies and chocolate and anything with sugar. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Here are a few more things I'm working on to get more and better sleep. I'm setting myself a bedtime of 10:30. I'm terribly inconsistent right now and that will help a lot. I'm getting my bedroom in order and redoing some of it. I moved out a TV that wasn't even hooked up and I never use in the bedroom. I realized it had been driving some decisions about furniture. I'll be replacing my mattress and bed soon as well and turning that room into something that feels more like a personal spa. That's the easy part. The attitude that sleep is expendable is a harder mental habit to break, but I'm going to try. I'm starting the 10:30 bedtime tonight, and it's 10:15 right now, and I really wanted to have worked out all the details for this episode to happen before I go to bed tonight, but that's not going to happen if I head for bed. I'd also chosen to shut down anything with a screen at 10 pm. I'm going to have to start that tomorrow because I already blew that tonight. Sleep is pretty simple to deal with, at least in the planning stage. Execution is harder. But, rest itself, that's another story. Sleep is only one side of the equation. Last week we talked about what rest is and how it affects us. Here's how I'm going to approach applying that knowledge. I plan to make some changes to create a rhythm of rest in my life. Here's how that breaks down. Yearly This might be where you assume I'm going to list a major vacation, but I'm not going to do that. I'm not considering vacations to be part of my rest plan. Partly because their effects don't last that long and partly because, I'm going to try to rely on shorter, quarterly breaks instead for rest. I may take a longer trip (at least I hope so anyway), but I won't rely on that time as the only way I'm recovering. I'll use it as a treat and a memory-maker, but not the most important rest activity in my life. Quarterly I'm going to plan a quarterly long weekend trip. I'll be headed to Toronto in June and Philadelphia in July for conferences. I plan to add a few days to those trips for sightseeing and rest. I'll be in Florida in November for an extended family vacation. And, I think I'll add a few weekend camping trips on the calendar as well. Plus, I think I'll let my son choose one long weekend getaway trip. Monthly It's so easy for us to schedule so many activities that our lives become overfull. This is a discipline issue. There are a million good things out there to do. We're not able to do them all. We have to live within our limits. Different seasons of life call for different levels of activity. So, what works for a newly married couple might not work after kids come along. It seems obvious but it's easy for circumstances to change gradually (not the having a baby circumstances necessarily, but others) and not really connect the dots that our schedule to change as well. We tend to think in the US that we can do everything. But we can't. We can't have it all. We can't do it all. We can't be it all. We need instead, to do, have, and be what's best. Jim Collins' “Good is the enemy of great” statement really applies here. One of the things I try to do (I've gotten away from it) is to hold at least one weekend a month completely unscheduled. We might decide to do something at the last minute. Or not. We might decide to do a home project. But, we might not. We can use that weekend however we like at the time. It's a monthly recovery weekend. Weekly Right now, I'm working six days a week because of ministry and career work. The seventh day tends to be eaten up by volunteer hours, family activities, and errands. It's just the “stuff-that-needs-to-get-done” day. But, that leaves no time for rest. I've been doing that for about a year now and it's taking its toll. If you're a Christian, it's also disobedient. We're supposed to rest. And for good reason. I have a writing commitment ending this week and have a meeting about how to make my position on a church team more sustainable. Creating a sustainable schedule will help a lot. Weekly is where another factor comes into play. Remember last week, we talked about how hobbies or activities can function as active rest? That rest and recovery are more than just lying around? Activities or hobbies that require mastery, practice, and learning are a hugely important avenue for rest. They're active, but they allow our mind and body to be used in ways that give us an emotional and mental break from our work and life. They also often develop complementary skill sets or mental attitudes. What could you learn or do weekly that's absorbing and somewhat challenging? For me right now, that's art time. I've been away from art for about nine months and I need to be spending consistent time in my studio, whether that's collage work or quilting work…I need to be creating with my hands. Writing is creative, but it doesn't offer the same kind of mental break, because it's too similar to my normal work. Daily Sleep is an easy daily recovery rhythm to point to. But, there are a few others to think about as well. Exercise is a vital recovery tool. That sounds weird, I know because it can be hard work. It's important for keeping your body healthy to handle your life, but it can also be used as a recovery tool. Two types of exercise especially are helpful…consistent active exercise like walking, running, swimming, soccer, etc. And contemplative exercise or movements like yoga or tai chi. Right now, I'm walking a lot in the mornings, about four miles a day. It's become critical for my sanity. If I walk or run, it's active, but it's also a way to rest my body and mind from its normal activity. I miss yoga, though, I can tell both my body and mind need it. I've mentioned this periodically before, but another daily rest habit is mindfulness. I find that when I'm focused on the sensory experience of what's happening in the moment, my mind is freed from the need to worry, rehearse, talk negatively, plan, or be anxious. How does that work in real life? If I'm in the kitchen cleaning up from after dinner, I can be rehearsing a conversation with a client, thinking about what my son needs to accomplish that evening, pre-working on a writing project and worrying about an upcoming deadline. Pretty much all at once. Or, I can be focusing on how pretty a stack of white dishes is in my cabinet when the light hits it. How lovely it is to have warm water I didn't have to carry in and heat up. How happy I am to hear my son's laughter in the next room and how the smooth, cool, clean silverware feels in my hands. If that task lasts between 15 and 30 minutes and I'm thinking about life in the present, sensory experiences in the moment, It's like a rest from my daily thoughts. You can actually do that all day long. Choosing to focus on the present moment instead of worrying about the next can go a long way towards keeping your mind and emotions refreshed. That's a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and yearly rhythm of rest. If you rely on a once a year vacation to handle the whole rhythm, it just won't work. It won't be enough and it won't be when you need it. Consider ways that you can work the ideas we've been talking about all month into a personal rhythm for yourself. 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I'm not feeling rested. Even if I sit and do nothing…I'm still not feeling rested. That led me to this month's focus on rest and a quest to figure out what really will make me feel refreshed. I'll add an aside here to mention that nutrition makes a difference. I feel much better today than I felt before I kicked off my healthy eating challenge six weeks ago. It's a good start. But, here's what I've discovered about rest. Work and Rest are teammates. We have a culture in this country that believes that work is critical and rest is optional. But, that's not how it's always been and it's not how it should be. Rest should be a teammate of work. It enhances, feeds, and enables work. Historically, many cultures have valued rest and recovery as the pinnacle of culture. We don't, and as a result, we're exhausted, burned out, and completely stressed. Counter to our culture's beliefs, we're actually less productive, do less great work, and are less creative without resting. If, as a society, we want to develop and grow, this is a real problem. There's even been a philosophical shift. Today we believe that knowledge is produced. We take action, we create knowledge. So, the more action, the more knowledge, the more production. But, previously, there was an understanding that there is a component of knowledge work that's contemplative. Time was prioritized for deep thinking and focus. In the past, top performers, brilliant minds who have contributed world-altering work, treated rest and work as partners. Most of history's most brilliant minds worked about five hours a day. When they worked, they worked hard. They typically focused deeply for three or four 90 minute sessions a day. What else did they do? I'll get to that in a bit. Rest is a skill that can be developed. Sure, we all rest naturally, but we all sing naturally too, and almost everyone can get better at both with intentional practice. The fact that it's a skill that can be developed is good news. You can improve your rest and recovery! I, thankfully, can get better at it! Deliberate rest can stimulate and sustain creativity. Not only does rest act as a teammate to work by renewing your energy and focus. But, it actually creates the environment for creativity to flourish. While I do better with deadlines and know that they can enhance creative work, there's a portion of the creative process that desperately needs downtime. That can't be hurried, can't be controlled, and flourishes with rest. When I mention creativity, I don't want you to understand that as artists and musicians only. Sure, they're what our culture thinks of as creatives today. But, scientists, mathematicians, and many other fields we consider non-creative today actually require huge amounts of creative thinking. Rest is active. Ideal rest isn't sitting in a recliner for a few hours each night. Ideal rest isn't the absence of activity. Our brains at rest are actually barely less active than when we're not at rest. When we drop into a resting state, the brain switches on what's called the DMN, or default mode network. The DMN automatically activates in a fraction of a second when we're not engaged in a task. It's a connected brain network that's separate from other brain networks. The DMN was discovered in the 1990's and is now believed to be involved in almost every single significant brain function, like intelligence, moral and emotional judgment, empathy and sanity even. This means that the resting brain is absolutely critical to our lives. Now that we understand some things about the idea of rest, the last piece of today's puzzle is what I'm most excited about sharing with you. Well, the idea of a five hour work day is pretty darn exciting, but this is going to mean the difference in creating real rest in my life. The key components of good rest. When we think about rest as a teammate of work, there are a few plays in the playbook that you probably don't value as much as you should. Here are a few of them. Sleep We covered this last week in depth, so I won't go into it here, other than to say, it's a crucial component of rest. I don't want you thinking because I didn't mention it, that it doesn't apply. It does. Sustained focus with breaks Remember those 90-minute work cycles I mentioned earlier? The key is both the focus during the cycle and the break after the cycle. We need the recovery time from the work, but also the space that it gives to allow the ideas you've been at work on to marinate in the background. What to do in the break? Here are my top three suggestions. nap, walk, or play. Napping Napping is productive time. Ray Bradbury, Frank Lloyd Wright, Lyndon Johnson and Winston Churchill are all well-known nappers. If Winston Churchill considered naps crucial with bombs falling outside, surely you can consider the benefits yourself. Naps decrease fatigue and increase alertness, but they also improve memory, increase your ability to deal with frustration, increase persistence and decrease impulsiveness. When you sleep and how long you sleep affects the benefits you receive from napping, but even a 5-minute nap shows statistical improvements in cognitive function which last even into the next day. Walking Walking has been a tool employed by thinkers throughout history. Walking meetings are currently gaining popularity in some corporate cultures, like Silicon Valley. Walking allows us to both relax and diverts the mind to a degree that we can be occupied with the motion and surroundings, but not so distracted that our minds aren't free to work out ideas at the same time. Being outside in a natural environment is wonderful for our brains. Simply living on a street with 20 or more trees has the ability to increase your life expectancy to the same degree as a $20,000 increase in salary would. But, it's not just nature, it's the movement. No one understands exactly why, but the nature of repetitive exercises stimulates our thinking. It doesn't have to be walking. It can be swimming, running or other exercises where the movement is repetitive but doesn't require your full attention. But what about recovery? What about the kind of rest that isn't directly feeding work? There are some key things to know about this kind of rest as well. German sociologist Sabine Sonnentag has been studying recovery for the last twenty years. She says there are four key components: relaxation, control, mastery experiences, and mental detachment from work. Relaxation is easy for us to understand, it's an activity that's pleasant and undemanding. Something that doesn't feel like work and doesn't require a lot of effort. Control is the ability to dictate your own time and workflow. People who have more control over their time need less recharging at the end of the day. Mastery experiences are things that, while they may be challenging, they're engaging and interesting things that you do well. They make life more meaningful, more rewarding. And mental detachment from work is becoming mentally and emotionally unhooked from your work. So the ability to feel disconnected from your job is critical to being able to recover well. These lead me to something I've mentioned a few times today but skipped over until now. Play. Play is one of the most important things we do development-wise, but once we pass the age of twelve, one of the most undervalued. Even when it's physically challenging, it typically feels absorbing or effortless. It's enjoyable, or thrilling or engaging, but not difficult the way work feels. Activities become what's known as deep play if they have at least one of these features: it's mentally absorbing, uses career skills in a totally different context, it offers similar satisfaction, but different clearer rewards or a connection to a person's past. Sailing, music, sports, chess, gardening or woodworking, many of the things we recognize as hobbies can function as deep play and be useful in helping us relax, detach from work, have mastery experiences, allowing our brains to rest and recover. I've thrown a lot of information at you today and not a lot of practical application. Next week, we'll tie it all together with what this really can mean in your life to help you feel rested.   Enjoy today's episode? I'd love it if you helped spread the word! Share it with a friend or leave us a review on iTunes! Click the link below > View in Itunes > Ratings & Reviews > Write a Review

I'm fairly certain that in my audience, there will be very few people that haven't heard that we, as a general population, need more sleep. If you've been listening to me for any length of time, you've heard me mention it before. If you've ever heard statistics on stress, nutrition, or health, you've probably heard that you should get more sleep. And yet, we aren't. As a nation, we aren't sleeping more. We're actually sleeping less. We usually hear it as a general recommendation. You should sleep more. It's not like you don't really realize that. Most of us know that we're functioning with less than optimal sleep. Some of you are powering through. Some of you would like more sleep, but can't seem to get it. I've always loved sleep and have always fallen asleep quickly and easily. Unless of course, I've opened a novel in the previous 24 hours and then I'm awake until it's done. Which is why that only happens on vacation these days. This past New Year's Eve, I pulled the first all-nighter I've done in a long time, Not because I was out partying. I was at the beach with a friend and while she (being in cancer treatments) went to bed at 8, I started a novel and with a break to watch fireworks from the deck, I read until I finished the book at 5 am. My son takes after my mother. They have trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep and prefer to stay up late and sleep late. Sleep has always been an issue for him, since the moment he was born. When all the other babies were fussy and cranky and ready for bed at 7 or 8 pm, he had the best part of his day. Now that he's hit puberty, it's actually easier than it's ever been, but he still perks up about the time everyone else, meaning me, is ready for bed. This was the part of parenting that scared me the most. I know I don't function well on little sleep and mothers of newborns don't sleep much. It turns out that my fears were somewhat justified. I was extremely sick during my whole pregnancy. The medical term for what I had is "hyperemesis gravidarum" which is fancy doctor speak for "excessive vomiting during pregnancy." In order to keep me semi-functional, I was on several medications usually given to cancer patients to control their treatment-induced nausea. I'm forever grateful for those meds, but the downside was that for the eight months before my son's birth I was already having to wake up every few hours to take one or more of the different pills. By the time he was born, I was well-practiced but exhausted. And, as I mentioned earlier, he didn't sleep well. Which meant I didn't sleep well either. For years. I actually remember very little of his earliest years, because I spent it in a sleep-deprived fog. It doesn't take extended excessive nausea or a newborn for us to experience the effects of lack of sleep, however. Whether we feel it or not, lack of sleep affects us very quickly. I read several studies that indicate that one night of sleep deprivation can change how our bodies respond to insulin. One study suggests that one night of sleep deprivation may have a similar effect on our systems as six months of eating a high-fat diet. Shawn Stevenson, who wrote the book Sleep Smarter, said it this way, “just one night of sleep deprivation can make you as insulin resistant as a person with type 2 diabetes.” So, my one-night reading binge on New Year's Eve? It probably radically changed my body's ability to deal with the food I was eating. And here, I thought I was just tired for a few days! It turns out that sleep does an incredible amount of different jobs for us that just don't happen as well or at all when we miss out on effective sleep. Here are just a few. Anyone remember the six million dollar man? I'm showing my age here, but the opening narration included, "Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster." You have that technology too, It's called sleep. Sleep rebuilds you. Your body is always either in a catabolic state, where it is wasting away or an anabolic state where it's regenerating. Sleep is a heightened anabolic state, enhancing the rejuvenation and growth of your immune, skeletal, and muscular systems. Poor sleep will make you dumber. Really. A study published by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that poor sleep quality was equal to binge drinking and marijuana use in determining academic performance. College students who were poor sleepers were found to be much more likely to drop out of classes and receive bad grades. Research shows that with 24-hour sleep deprivation, there's a 6% reduction in the amount of glucose, or fuel, that reaches your brain. And your brain isn't impaired equally in all areas. The amygdala or more primitive area of the brain responsible for survival wasn't impaired as much as that responsible for executive functions. Executive functions are things like decision-making, managing time, paying attention and switching focus, making plans and organizing, remembering details, and having self-control. I'll give you one more. Your brain is very active when you're awake, it's making all those executive decisions I just mentioned, it's taking in new information and processing it, it's learning, it's monitoring feedback from the rest of your body's systems, it's generally doing all the things that make you amazing. All these actions create waste products and the brain runs on a different waste removal system that the rest of your body. When you sleep, that system becomes ten times more active. It's removing dead cells, getting rid of toxins, and taking out the cellular trash. What happens when the waste removal system in your home is backed up? When the garbage doesn't get taken out. I'm not tossing blame, in my house, that rests on my shoulders and stacks up frequently, so I know how fast it smells. What happens if your bathroom plumbing gets backed up? Things can get pretty ugly, pretty quickly, right? During sleep, several things happen to make waste removal much more efficient. One theory of one of the foundational causes of Alzheimer's is the brain's inability to get rid of its waste products. Those are only three of a huge number of beneficial processes that are interrupted by lack of sleep or lack of good sleep. Think about it, it just makes sense. We're designed to sleep maybe a third of our lives. As incredible as our bodies are, something we physically need to do so much of the time has to be incredibly valuable. But, we treat it as completely expendable. What are you trading sleep for? More awake hours for what? Netflix? Work? Social media? Internet scrolling? Worry or stress? Next time you're thinking about staying up late to watch just one more episode, consider what it's costing you. Your body will be less able to repair itself, less able to take out the cellular trash, and less able to make good decisions. So, if I can overgeneralize for emphasis, you might know what happened on "This Is Us", but you're going to be more fragile, dumber, and have a head full of brain waste. Sounds like a good trade, right? Not so much. If you're staying awake to be more productive, it will actually backfire on you. You'll finish whatever you're working on more slowly and with more errors than you would fresh and you're decreasing your productivity for the following day as well. Another area that may hit close to home? Lack of sleep may be impairing your ability to lose weight. There several reasons for this, but I'll just share one that I laid the groundwork for already. Remember I said that sleep deprivation impaired executive brain function like decision-making and self-control? While it causes more activity in the amygdala? You're tired. You're hungry because another thing that happens is that leptin, an appetite-regulating hormone, levels fall. You have impaired self-control and decision-making and your amygdala is sending you messages that you need food for survival, more sugar please, the glucose reaching the brain is reduced, grab those chips, stat! You're stacking the deck against yourself and this is just one of the ways. So, what can you do? There are a lot of ways to influence your sleep, and I'll give you a list of ten. But, mostly today, I wanted to crack the door open on that very general, “we should get more sleep” statement so that you understand that there are critically important things happening in your body when you sleep. Hundreds, if not thousands of specific processes that are really important for your life, health and vitality. Trading sleep for an all-night video game binge seems harmless at 15, but even one all-nighter can have long-term harmful effects that wear down systems over a lifetime. Sleep isn't just a luxury. It's a vital part of a healthy life. Here are ten quick suggestions to help you sleep better, longer. I'm not going to do a lot of explanation, but there are science and explanations available on all of these things and many of them you've heard before…you've just not done them. I suggest you begin taking sleep more seriously and work these into your life one at a time. Keep consistent sleep hours. Go to bed approximately within 30 minutes of the same time each night. Yes, even on the weekends. Try to make your sleep schedule include 10 pm - 2 am. There are natural rhythms and mounting evidence that this time period has the most benefit. Make your room dark. Really dark. Like blackout curtain dark. Keep your bedroom about sleeping. And sex. But, shift other awake activities to another room. Keep your electronic devices out of your bedroom and even your alarm clock across the room. Speaking of electronic devices—anything with a screen, stop using them 90 minutes before bedtime. What on earth would you do without social media, television or work before bed? Wow. I'm not sure. You might have to get creative and interact with your family or read a physical book. You might have to work at it, but I bet you can figure this out. I'm actually not making light of it, we're addicted and it's a huge issue. Expose yourself to sunshine or outdoor light early in the day, between 6-8:30 am. Exercise consistently, but not at bedtime. Keep your bedroom cool and if you wear clothing to bed, wear cool, loose-fitting things. And lastly, the food you eat has a huge impact on your sleep. Eat real food. And not at bedtime. There's nothing earth-shattering in this episode, but I hope as you make decisions this week about your sleep, you'll begin to prioritize it more. I've changed how I eat in the last six weeks and a side benefit is that I'm sleeping better. I'm exercising again, and I'm sleeping better. I've darkened my room, and I'm sleeping better. I went to bed the other night instead of choosing a few more hours of work, and you know what? Life went on. I'm making some more intentional changes in the days to come. I hope you'll join me!   Enjoy today's episode? I'd love it if you helped spread the word! Share it with a friend or leave us a review on iTunes! View in Itunes > Ratings & Reviews > Write a Review

It's ironic really. April and December are typically the two busiest months of my year. 2018 is no exception. That makes it the perfect time to talk about rest, right? In the last few months I've been doing a better job getting consistent sleep, but the last three nights I got about 60% of what I usually get. So, I'm prepping this podcast while sleep deprived. Not a good way to start a crazy-busy month. I've talked about busy-ness before. I've talked about the importance of sleep before in small bits. But, apparently, something's not penetrating my heart, because I keep getting into the same situation, where my activity level and schedule are too much. Too much for me to be the parent, friend, or daughter I want to be. Too much for me to do quality work. Too much for me to create art or writing that matters. My circumstances are stacked against me. Do you ever feel like that? I'm a single mom and a small business owner. Either of those things is enough to be “too much” most of the time. Put them together and it feels to me like a recipe for overwhelm and exhaustion. Add to that my propensity to volunteer and “too much” is a sure thing. Part of the problem for me is also personality type. I tend to get in deep with things my family is involved in. Part of the problem is also that I'm a natural leader, so I wind up leading everything I'm involved in. Part of the problem is that I'm what's called a multi-potentialite, polymath or scanner. They all mean basically the same thing. It's the opposite of a specialist. I had a friend once tell me that I'm a “skill-collector” and that's pretty true. I love lots of things, and lots of new things all the time. We live in a culture that drives us to that “too much” point in multiple ways. We value intensity, all or nothing-ness, busyness as a badge of honor, doing, doing, doing, accumulation, more, harder, better, bigger, faster. My circumstances, personality, and the culture are all factors. But, this problem is epidemic; it crosses all personalities and circumstances. Why am I worrying about it now? One of my commitments for this year is to choose health. I'm not in a healthy place right now in this sphere. I'm finding I'm over-scheduled. I've got very little downtime. I'm not able to do the hobbies I enjoy. I'm consistently tired. There are some seasons of life that are like that. Or, more like that than others. But, I'm not seeing it change enough as the seasons in my life change. I've recently noticed two specific things that have really made me recognize that I need to deal with it right now. First, I've noticed that I can't relax. I can never turn my thinking mind off. I'm working all the time, even when I'm not really working. Not that I don't want to, but I seem unable to. I don't know what to do with myself, my thoughts if I'm not working. This is a huge problem, unhealthy for me and my family, as well as exhausting. The second thing I've noticed is that as I do more creative work, whether that's in my art studio or writing, I need to be in a different mental state. Creativity doesn't hurry on demand. The best work is born out of slow skills. If I want to do great work, I need to cultivate that kind of mental presence. It's not that I don't need to work at it…waiting around for inspiration to strike is not what I'm suggesting. It takes hard work, but creativity flourishes in an environment with mental space. When I'm constantly hurried, thinking, anxious, and under a time crunch, my work suffers. Maybe you don't have the kind of personality, interests or work that I have, but odds are good you struggle with this in some way. Because, as a culture, we don't value slow, meandering, just being, or rest. We are constantly overstimulated. We treat our life as escapism. If we're exhausted and overworked, we don't have to deal with real heart or relationship issues. And, we think we can live with no limits. Why Rest? For about six weeks, I've been working with a group focused on improving our health. As I've been thinking about the idea of rest as it relates to physical effort, I realized that many of the concepts also apply to a life that's over-stimulated, over-committed and over-worked. I've had many conversations in the past with people doing hard workouts, but not understanding that rest and recovery are crucial to fitness gains. Here are seven reasons why. Rest Prevents Injury. Without proper rest, your mental and physical capabilities deteriorate. When that happens, the chance of injury increases. Your muscles need rest to rebuild. Physically, workouts make micro-tears in muscles and as the body makes those repairs, it rebuilds them bigger and stronger, increasing your capacity. Rest allows time for that to take place. Overtraining affects sleep. Working too much actually affects your ability to rest well. Rest allows your immune system to catch up with body repairs. Not only is your body repairing micro-tears in muscles from your efforts, but it has all the other physical maintenance to perform. Constantly stressing the system doesn't allow time for the immune system to catch up. Rest prevents mental fatigue and emotional burnout. Time off from your workouts makes you want to come back. It rejuvenates your attitude in addition to your body. Overtraining can cause weight a loss plateau. Lack of rest can actually diminish your ability to lose weight. So, if you're working out specifically for weight loss, do not neglect rest or you're actually working against yourself. Overtraining can cause mood issues related to being run down, including depression and anxiety. Those seven reasons that rest is crucial to physical recovery and wellbeing also apply to mental and emotional wellbeing. Rest is part of the equation of life. We need it. Science is finding more benefits of rest all the time. And, we continue to ignore the warning signs that our bodies and minds give us that they need rest. We need it physically, mentally, and emotionally. Lack of rest or recovery mentally and emotionally leads to burnout, a bazillion dollar mental health sector of the pharmaceutical industry and the breakdown of families and relationships. Sure, seasons of hustle might need to happen. But, not years. Not as a permanent condition. Like physical overtraining, the toll in susceptibility to injury, lack of ability to bounce back, negative impacts on sleep and weight loss, mood or mental health issues and general enjoyment of life all contribute to a “too much” lifestyle. I'm taking a serious look at my “too much” lifestyle this month and what I can do about it. I'd encourage you to join me. We'll talk about what kind of activities or lack of activity actually contribute rest and recovery, why sleep is important and how to improve it, and how we can create a rhythm of rest in our lives. Your Turn My question for you this week is this: Are you getting enough physical, emotional and mental rest? If you look past the excuses, like personality, circumstances, and culture, why not? What are you valuing more than your relationships and your health? That's a really important question. I'll ask it again. What is it that you are proving with your actions that you value more than your health and your relationships? Right now, when I really get right down to it, I'm valuing work more. Whether it's creative work, career work, ministry work, or personal projects…it's all work. And my son deserves better, he is way more important than work. And I'm modeling a behavior that I don't want him to learn. So, I have some changes to make. How about you?   Enjoy today's episode? I'd love it if you helped spread the word! Share it with a friend or leave us a review on iTunes! Click this link > View in Itunes > Ratings & Reviews > Write a Review

Spring has sprung here in Middle Tennessee. As I work on this episode, it's pouring down rain, we have flash flood warnings, and we expect up to 4” to fall tonight and tomorrow. It's going to drown out the daffodils and cherry blossoms I'm afraid. What that really means for me is that allergy season is underway in one of the worst parts of the country for allergy sufferers like me. And what that means for you is that you get to suffer through a month of me sounding stuffed up. I'll do my best to spare you. But April Fool's Day on the horizon also means that the first quarter of 2018 has vanished. POOF! Gone! Just like that! Most people's New Year's resolutions or goals don't make it out of January alive, and I told you when we were talking about it a few months ago, that I'd update you as we went through the year on my progress with my goals and how I stay on track. We're in a month with 5 Sundays and I thought I'd take this first week of the quarter to do some reflection and check in on my progress. Rhythm of Reflection Whether you care how I'm doing on my goals or not, that's the first key thing I want to remind you of today. Creating a rhythm of reflection in your life is really important for your personal, emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth. I think I spoke about this in an episode a long time ago, I'll try to find that one and link it up in the show notes, but if growth in any area of your life is important to you, you need to spend some time reflecting on that area of your life on a regular basis. Self-reflection is deliberate thinking about your own behavior and beliefs. We're not used to doing that in our culture. It requires slowing down. It requires vulnerability, courage, and discipline. But without it, without a rhythm of reflection, growth is haphazard at best and learning doesn't happen. Here are five important tips to keep in mind: Know your why. We've talked about this a million times before, but if you're clear on your own values, it's a lot easier to point yourself in the right direction and to stay on that course. Without knowing what's important, every little side path can turn into a Stephen King lost in the woods story. Be honest with yourself. It's far too easy to wear the same mask for yourself as you wear in front of others. Far too easy to posture, lie and make excuses. But, you only hurt yourself by doing that. Be brutally honest with yourself. At the same time, be kind and forgiving. Self-reflection is not self-flagellation. No beating yourself up. The idea is evaluation and strategy, not judgment. Look for behavior patterns. I know, for instance, that I have an easy time starting things and a hard time finishing. So, the first few months of change making is much easier for me. Knowing that, I can adjust my strategies and bring in the big guns when the “newness” of a thing wears off. Watch for those patterns in your life so that you can use that awareness to help what you want to happen come to be and minimize what you don't want. And, lastly, (suppress your groans) I want you to write it down. Writing helps for several reasons. It solidifies ideas. It helps remind you where you've been, where you want to go and what you're supposed to be doing to get there. It helps you learn and remember what you're working on. Students who hand write notes do better on tests than even those who type notes. There's something in the process of writing that solidifies knowledge in the brain. I'm not doing a general self-reflection today, but more a peek into the process I use specifically to keep my goals on track. I spend about a half hour at the end of each month doing this. Because it's the end of a quarter, though, I have one extra step. Review Process First, I review my goals. I set my goals a little differently this year. Usually, I'd do some dreaming about what I want my life to be like, then I'd evaluate my life in different categories, like work, relationships, finances, etc. I'd figure out how to get closer to that dream and then I'd create goals in each of those categories. This year, however, I did something totally different. Back in episode 62, I talked about creating five commandments to live by. I named five things that if I'm doing these five things consistently, my life will have been lived well. Then I created goals in each of these five areas. My five commandments are: love God, prioritize people, spend intentionally, choose health and create consistently. Typically, in this step, I'm reminding myself of what I said I wanted to accomplish. But, since this is a quarterly review, today, I'm doing more than refreshing my memory, I'm taking a deeper look and asking questions as well. Is this goal still valid? Is this really the path I want to be on? Circumstances change over time, and new priorities can crop up. For example, I'd specifically not set any work or career goals this year. It wasn't where I wanted to put my focus. But, some things have changed in the last three months that have brought that to the very top of my list. The first step is to go through each of my goals and check their validity and my progress. So, I'll go with the first as an example. That first commandment is to love God. One of the reasons I've pulled back from work goals in 2018 is that I've taken on a ton of ministry responsibilities in the past twelve months. Part-time job-ish commitments, probably 20 hours a week. It's very, very easy to get so busy giving and serving, that you lose track of your own relationship with God and you crash and burn in a variety of ways. My goal is to cement my own relationship time, not study, writing, team-leading, or serving time, but relationship time. I've been semi-successful. The first six weeks of the year were spot on and the last six, not as much. Is it still valid? This is still a critical goal for me, so I need to recommit to it and get back on the wagon. I'll do one more. Because I chose health to go through in episode 69 when we were talking about a plan t0 make permanent changes, I'll review that for you. Up until this month, I'd been on a seven-month binge of really bad health choices, I'd gained 25-30 pounds, and was feeling wretched. To kickstart myself, I started a 30 day challenge on Facebook with a group of people that wanted to join me and I've met all of my March goals, I've made healthy choices for more than 25 days in the month, I've been exercising five or six days a week, I've lost close to ten pounds by the time this airs, and most importantly, I'm feeling a lot better. This one's still important and I'll be continuing what I'm doing in April. If you're listening to this in April of 2018 and you'd like to join us, it's free and you can sign up here. It takes me a lot less time to mentally process that than talk through it. It's asking myself: How have I been doing? Is it still important? Do I need to change how much attention I give to this right now? The first two questions are the difference between a quarterly and a monthly review. On any given month, I'll look at the goals and evaluate my progress, but not necessarily be checking in on the validity of the goal itself. When I have that done, I run through a series of exercises in Cultivate What Matters Powersheets (a tool I mentioned in episode 66). Basically, I review the previous month, the good and bad. I put down in writing anything that's stressing or bothering me. I look at my calendar and then I write down what I need to accomplish this month. Then, the key task, I create a month-long task list. This includes daily tasks or habits I want to cultivate in the upcoming month, weekly things I need to do, and monthly tasks—which I assign to which week I'll accomplish them within the month. Then, I pull out the habit trackers I created in January and fill it out for daily tasks I listed and then place it in my journal/planner. I see the daily task tracker in my journal each day. Weekly tasks tend to be scheduling issues, like making sure I send ministry emails, prep and print small group discussion pages, or work on this podcast. Weekly things tend to get done without this process, so the daily and monthly tasks are where I spend my attention. Sunday evenings, I usually set up my week in my planner, so I check my monthly tasks at that time to see what I need to focus on that week. And that's it, that's my monthly process. It takes about 20 - 30 minutes at the end of each month and keeps me on track throughout the year while being flexible enough to adjust to changes and circumstances. Where I'm Going Back in episode 64, I mentioned that the gaps between how I wanted to be living and how I am living are biggest in two areas. Spending intentionally, (mostly about time) and choosing health. I've already shared that I'm doing well on choosing health now and I feel really good about that. Spending intentionally, I've still got some work to do. April is going to be a super busy month for me. I have house guests coming, two out of town trips and dog sitting for a dog trainer friend of mine. Usually, that involves five to eight dogs at a time. At the same time, I'm starting two educational courses in April, and it's the onslaught of the busiest time of the school year for my son. This is all on top of an already full schedule. Oh, and it's allergy season, so I'll be feeling generally rotten this whole month. This is the season that my goal is to plan for less, not more. On the other hand, I've chosen to do these things intentionally. There are reasons, good reasons, behind each choice. My schedule didn't fill up accidentally, which often happens. I'm paying close attention. I've also off-loaded some things and am continuing to pursue ways to do so to make room for those choices. So, I have been intentional about it, I'm just choosing to be busier than I prefer. One last thing to mention. I said earlier that some things have changed with my work plans, so that will be taking up an increasing amount of time. I've added that on to my goals list for the year and will be working on that alongside the commandment goals. Things change. Circumstances change. If you need to adjust priorities, that's a choice, not a failure to achieve something else. I need to decrease focus on some other things in order to increase focus on business. I've added this to my list in February and March. There's nothing magic about the beginning of the year, it's just convenient and present in conversations around us. There's nothing magic about the beginning of a quarter. It's just a convenient time to trigger me to remember to review my priorities. What is magic, whether it's January first or a random Tuesday morning, is that you make the choice to get up and move forward, no matter what you've done or not done previously. I posted a photo that I took on a hike before work in my healthier challenge group a few weeks ago. It was of a NO PARKING sign. The only way to achieve what you want in life is to small-step-by-small-step walk toward that thing that's important to you. I haven't done everything right in the last three months. But, I'm not parking. I'm continuing to take steps. Change is an ongoing process. So, that's a first-quarter update for you. I'll check back in with you early July about my progress in the next quarter. I mentioned how busy my April will be, and so, I'm going to be talking for the next few weeks with you about the importance of rest. Makes sense, right? Here's why. I'm realizing that I'm having a harder and harder time relaxing, even in downtime and I need to address that, it's not healthy and correcting that is part of my choose health goals. Plus, I need reminding about the critical nature rest plays in our lives. Statistics say I'm not the only one struggling with this in our always-on, always-connected world. So, let's see what we can find out about it this month. Until next time, y'all have a fantastic week! Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

If our expectations affect our own behavior, the behavior of others, our relationships and even our health, then they're pretty important. We talked about how disappointment is the difference between expectation and reality. But where do our expectations come from? What is it that's setting us up for those differences and that disappointment? We begin filling up our backpack of expectations from the moment we're born. Some of us learn to expect attention, food, dry clothes, or snuggles when we cry. Some of us learn to expect anger or neglect. These are expectations set from experience. Other expectations are set by observation, how we see our friends and family interact with each other and with strangers in all types of circumstances. Where we live, both the macro and micro cultures we live in form expectations. Society at large sets expectations, norms and standards for us as well. Today I want to talk a bit about those expectations, the ones set for us by society and culture. And I want to talk about it because those expectations translate so subtly into our own “shoulds” that unless we're hyper-vigilant, can seriously affect our own sense of self. What kind of norms am I talking about? We live in a curated world. This has always been true, but technology has made so much more of that world so accessible, that we're inundated with the message more and more. Let's talk through a few examples. I'm a photographer. I owned a portrait studio for awhile and I also took travel, landscapes and dog portraits for years. I started shooting in college with film, left it completely for many years and started again at the beginning of the digital revolution. I've watched digital photography and processing come of age over the last few decades. I am not declaring either digital photography nor processing an enemy in what I'm about to say, please don't misunderstand. They are tools, tools that can be used to make great art, tools that can be used for social commentary, tools that can be used to portray emotion, portray reality, and to manipulate reality. This has always been true. Darkroom images were manipulated as well. Images that move you…so most photos that are used in media, whether that's to sell you something or convince you of something are pretty significantly manipulated. Many of us are aware of the degree of manipulation of images of women in print and we're aware of the damage it causes. I'm not going to rehash that. Although, I may post an example of typical adjustments made to images before publication. It's actually not just photographic processing that manipulates reality, but the whole process, including styling hair and especially makeup and lighting. So, we know that images of women in media are highly manipulated and damaging. We know. And it still makes little difference. We're still faced with social norms of impossible standards. And we still feel the expectation within ourselves and from others to meet those standards. But, we can't. It's impossible to do so. That's a really obvious example, one that's made the news frequently in the last several years. But, let's talk about a few more. Think of every example of a beach you've seen in print, movies or online. Think of every example of images of Fall foliage shots. Think of mountain lakes and country roads. The images we see of our natural world are manipulated too. They're curated to include only the most breathtaking shots and then those shots are enhanced. What are the images of the travel photos you see of your vacation location? They're taken from the most flattering angle at the most flattering time of day. Is this wrong? Not necessarily. It can be if it's completely intentionally misleading. But, I just want you to think about how your expectations are being unconsciously formed. Are your expectations of the beach, or the woods, or the mountains affected by the curated images you see? Of course, they are. Our world is stunningly beautiful. Grand. Magnificent. But, if your real life experience is being compared to manipulated, curated images, your experience might come up on the short end of the stick. Your expectations weren't based on a healthy model. It's not just photography that does this for us. I'm going to read you a few paragraphs from a piece published last week by Robert Finch about his first experience visiting Walden Pond. It was not until much later that I realized I had been disappointed, not by Walden, but my own expectations. I had read the book and then had gone out and expected the reality of the natural setting to unfold, chapter by chapter, with the same ease and drama that Thoreau had quarried out of it only after years of hard work fashioning the landscape into the stuff of literature. It was my first lesson in mistaking art for place. What we see, or experience in nature depends, not so much on where we are as on an almost infinite number of other factors: how much we know, or think we know about a place, our physical condition and mood, the time of day or year, the weather, the wind, the sky, the clothes we wear, whether we are alone or with other people, and so on. But often the most important factor is how we have experienced a place vicariously before we actually experience it in person. Most of us are, in a sense, crippled in our encounters with nature because our formative experiences of the natural world are not first-hand but “packaged” – in books, movies, television documentaries, museum exhibits, guided nature walks, lectures, and of course the infinite representations of nature on the Internet. No matter how informative or professional these representations may be, we are conditioned by them to expect nature itself to appear before us in a condensed, narrated, edited, illustrated, and above all entertaining form, one that requires no investment from us. Here's the thing. We expect our lives to unfold in that same “condensed, narrated, edited, illustrated, and above all entertaining form.” But they don't. Our lives are not curated. Not edited. Not enhanced. The colors aren't saturated all the time. The walls of my apartment aren't magnificent. They're not Pinterest or Instagram worthy. When we allow culture to set our norms, standards, and expectations, we're dooming ourselves for a life filled with a vague or not-so-vague sense of, “I'm not good enough.” I'm not pretty enough. Not together enough. Not stylish enough. Not athletic enough. Not loved enough. Not organized enough. Not rich enough. Not perfect enough. Not enough. We know our friends' social media accounts are a curated subset of their lives. We know the fights, the late nights, the falling apart marriages, the financial stresses, and the kids checked in to addiction centers don't usually make our social media feeds. Our whole kitchens don't look like that pretty corner where the Instagram image was taken and our kids only hugged for a second, bribed with an ice cream cone before adorable little Emily shoved that cone up Jennifer's nose and an all-out war broke out. Again. We know it. The problem is that knowing doesn't keep us from comparing. This isn't an episode about the damaging effects of social media on teen self-image, depression, and anxiety, but those statistics are becoming more available. Yes, this is an issue for teens, especially because their brains, their social skills, and their coping mechanisms aren't fully developed. But, it's an issue for adults too. We live in a very false, highly curated world. If you let your expectations be set by traditional media, popular culture, or social media, your life is going to fall short every time. I just want to remind you today to start being aware of what is setting your expectations. You will be affected by this curated world we live in. We can't help it. I'm not suggesting you withdraw. I'm suggesting you be wise and aware of where your expectations come from. Be smart about the kinds of media you consume. Be aware of the intention behind every image, story, or entertainment. Have conversations with your family and friends about ways you can reinforce healthy expectations with each other. Expectations about our relationships, our bodies, our homes, and our natural world. Base your expectations for experiences on values rather than appearances. So, make the beach trip about family, laughter and togetherness and less about the perfect accommodations and weather. Make the point of a vacation internal rather than external. Make the dinner date about exploration, new experiences, and learning rather than about the perfect meal in the perfect place with the perfect people. Pay attention when you think, “I should” and ask yourself where that should originates from. If it came from your values and desires, that's great, listen to it. If it came from your parents, your friends, your social media field, then evaluate it against your own values and desires before complying with its demands. Do not let Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Snapchat, LinkedIn, or any other social media feed tell you who you should be. You do you. If you need a break from social media because it's setting up damaging expectations in your life, then, by all means, take a break. I promise it will all still be there when you come back. Pay attention to your own expectations, and those you're setting up for your kids, intentionally and unintentionally. Make sure those expectations are healthy for you and healthy for their future. That wraps up our March series on expectations. Because April has 5 Sundays, I think next week, I'm going to give you an update on the changes I've been working on this year and how those are going. The good, the bad and the ugly. And then we'll jump into another four week series for the rest of April.

When I began researching the topic of expectations for this month's episodes I ran a quote search. And most of what I found were quotes like this: When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. -- Ryan Reynolds My life motto is basically to lower your standards and expectations so you're never disappointed and never put any trust in anything, -- Tavi Gevinson Expectation is the root of all heartbreak. -- William Shakespeare Expectations are premeditated resentments. -- Alcoholics Anonymous The secret to happiness is low expectations. -- Barry Schwartz No expectations. No disappointments. -- Anonymous Note to self: stop expecting. -- Anonymous The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone. --Anonymous That felt incredibly sad and depressing to me. If you never set expectations, you'll never be disappointed, of course, but you'll also never feel the high of meeting or exceeding expectations. It's like suggesting you never get into a relationship to avoid being hurt. Sure, you'll not be hurt, but you'll never experience the joys of love or friendship either. Protecting yourself from all pain is no way to live. There will be disappointments in life, all different kinds. Last week we talked about relationship expectations and when they aren't met, the disappointment that follows. Most of what we talked about was romantic or friend relationships, but plenty of disappointments happen in work, volunteer, or social situations as well. Pretty much anywhere there are people, we'll eventually be disappointed in someone. We can be disappointed in ourselves, too. I was a competitive swimmer growing up. When I didn't place, didn't get a personal best, or I swam poorly, I was disappointed. Our own performance can disappoint us. Or, we can be disappointed in our own behavior. What if you plan to eat well, cook a healthy meal, eat the healthy meal. And then snarf down the whole box of Girl Scout cookies in the freezer. You're likely to go to bed disappointed in yourself. Not that I have any experience with that. Nope. I have complete control over my cookie consumption at all times. One of the quirks of imaginative idealists is that often they'll anticipate upcoming events with the vividness of a strong imagination. Very often, this imagined scenario becomes an expectation that reality just can't live up to. Their imagination is always better than real life. Consequently, they experience ongoing disappointment. I'm sure you've experienced all of these types of disappointment at some point in your life and to some degree. And probably others that I haven't mentioned as well. I had a counselor once tell me that I didn't allow myself to experience disappointment and I needed to. I've never been able to figure out if he's right or not. But, it's bugged me ever since. I probably should dig into it a little further when I have some time because as I prepared for this episode, I started thinking about times I've felt disappointment in my life. I started writing them down in a list. And I felt something unlock in my heart. I got a distinct impression that there is some buried junk there that needs unearthing. Some things I need to deal with. But, what are we supposed to do with disappointment? How do we process it? Well, I went on a hunt this week and here's a summary of what I found, five stages of dealing with disappointment. Like the stages of grief, there is no one perfect way to deal with it and no typical length of time for each step, but here are some generalizations. Turn toward the disappointment, not away from it. Allow yourself to experience it with no agenda, not trying to fix it or get rid of it. Just feel it. As you do, acknowledge it, don't try to pretend it doesn't hurt. It does. Realize that everyone experiences it and It won't last forever. Writing about how it feels can help, so grab a journal or notebook and use it as cheap therapy. One of the key things in this stage is to label it. Consciously say to yourself, “I'm really, really disappointed.” or “Oh, this is a disappointment and it feels awful.” It sounds silly, but labeling emotions switches processing locations in our brains and helps to give us a bit of distance or perspective, allowing us to get through it. Which is the next thing on the list. After you've done your share of feeling--at the point it's about to turn into wallowing--you can move into the next step. Accept reality and let expectations go. This is the stage where you gain some perspective and begin to deal with the reality of the situation. Ask yourself, “how bad is it really?” kind of questions. Others can help you put it into perspective as well (Often they're overly eager to do so!). Positive activities can help; exercise is great for helping to process emotion. Begin to dismantle illusions and untruths. “I should have” or “this should have happened” can be flat out lies that keep us from dealing with reality. One of the quotes I ran across in that initial search was, “If you align expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed.” by Terrell Owens and that has some truth to it, though I'd say you'll still experience disappointment initially. When you accept that reality is the way things are, you can then begin to deal with it productively and move past the disappointment. At some point, you need to choose to focus on what actually is and let go of your expectation in order to move forward. Here are a few things that can help you make that choice: Your desire for healthy relationships or to be healthy yourself. Disappointment, if not dealt with can lead to anger, resentment, and bitterness over time. Your values. How could the personal values of open-heartedness, love, kindness, growth, or generosity affect your choice to move beyond disappointment? Caring about people. None of us is perfect and we all disappoint others, intentionally and unintentionally. Deciding that a person and/or a relationship is more important than our disappointment, can help prompt you to choose to move away from disappointment. Personal growth. There are opportunities to grow in all disappointments and desiring growth can help you choose to move on. Reframe the issue. Laurie Sue Brockway says, Sports journalist Sam Weinman, author of Win at Losing: How Our Biggest Setbacks Can Lead to Our Greatest Gains, has interviewed many public figures and mental health professionals about disappointments."The psychologist Dr. Jim Loehr talks about 'framing' events in our lives in a constructive way," says Weinman. "His point is that our interpretation of what happens is in many ways more important than what actually happens. If that's the case, Loehr says, in any disappointment we need to find something useful that we can build on, or that at least lets us see even the smallest positive." The more we can learn to frame in a way that's constructive and positive while still being honest, the better we are able to process disappointment. One way to do this is to look for the growth opportunity within the disappointment. Ask yourself what you could do differently, what you can learn from the situation, how can you improve, or what do you need to change. Growth can be difficult and painful at times, but it creates positive emotions and outcomes, momentum in a healthy direction, and of course, actual growth. Another way to reframe your experience is to separate your expectation from your real desire. For example, you're disappointed that a vacation isn't turning out the way you expected because the concert you traveled to see got canceled. Can you believe it?! You're crushed! So, you might identify the real desire of the trip to be doing something out of the ordinary and relaxing. Usually, the true desire underneath the expectation can be fulfilled in many different ways. Which leads to the next step. Make a plan and act on it. If your desire can be filled in other ways, what else can you do? In our example, what if you googled “interesting things to do in (whatever your location)” and decided on another activity that would be doing something out of the ordinary and relaxing, like going on a sunset boat cruise. Of course, that may not work if you're landlocked, but you get my point. Making an alternative plan and acting on it puts you in control of the direction of your emotions and helps generate momentum toward the positive. It changes our focus from passive victims to active participants in our own future. And finally, after a big disappointment that you've moved past, I'd suggest doing some self-reflection. Self-Reflection Self-reflection is ‘meditation or serious thought about one's character, actions, and motives” It helps build self-awareness, resiliency, growth, and wisdom. It instructs us, guides us and informs us. Review the expectation, where it came from, and what went wrong. Ask yourself questions like, What could you do differently next time? What did you learn about yourself? About others? About the situation? What patterns of this might exist? What do you need to change? Did you deal with it in a healthy manner? These kinds of questions can lead to better and better choices in the future. One more comment that I'd make about the process of dealing with disappointment before I wrap up this episode. Choose to communicate in a healthy way, with others and with yourself as well. Speak positively with an intent to understand. Choose not to participate in blaming, tearing down, or insulting. Choose not to allow circumstances to label you or anyone else. There's a big difference in thinking you made a mistake and thinking you are a mistake. It's very easy in the process of disappointment to say things you'll regret or make judgments about others or yourself. Instead, choose to commit to using your words for good. Let's review! The steps we've talked about to deal with disappointment were to turn toward it and allow yourself to experience it, accept reality and let go of the disapoointment, reframe the situation, make a plan of action and follow it, and self-reflection. I hope this helps you next time you hit a road bump of disappointment, but I hope you don't need this information anytime soon. Until next time, y'all have a fantastic week. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

William Shakespeare said, “Expectation is the root of all heartbreak.” He might be right! Last week we talked about the power expectation has over behavior, both ours and others'. It can be a force for good, but like many things, it can also do harm. I've been thinking about how expectations are affecting my friendships, how they played out in my marriage and how they affect my current relationships. Here are seven “don'ts” that will keep your expectations from killing your relationships. Don't expect someone else to make you happy. Have you ever fallen into this trap? The cliche example of this is the single person that feels that they can't be happy or fulfilled outside of a relationship. Don't let the fact that it's a cliche cause you to dismiss it. Or, if you're not a single person putting that expectation on a potential crush, you think it doesn't apply to you. But there are other ways this happens. What if you clean the house up on a Saturday while your spouse is gone and they come home preoccupied and never mention it? Should they? Sure. But, what if they don't? How does that affect your happiness that evening? What if you send a friend a birthday card and they don't acknowledge it? I'm terrible about this. Should they acknowledge it? Yes. But what if they don't? How does that affect your relationship? What if you have a hobby that you love, let's use fishing for example. My son loves to fish. I grew up on a lake, I love everything water-related…except fishing. I'll happily lay around in a boat with you all day while you fish, but am totally uninterested in fishing myself. My grandfathers were both fishermen…the genes just seemed to run out before me. But, apparently, they're trying to revive in my son. What if I got into a relationship with someone who loved to fish. What if their happiness depended on me enjoying their hobby with them? That happened in my marriage. I was supportive of my husband's hobby, I just had no interest in it myself. But, his enjoyment of parts of it depended on my participation and enjoyment. Which, I'll come back to in a few minutes. Here's the summary, it's ok to have expectations in a relationship, it's not ok to base your happiness on someone else fulfilling those expectations. You are responsible for your own happiness. No one else is. You cannot control someone else's behavior, only your own. You're responsible for your own happiness, you can't put that burden on anyone else. Don't expect someone else to always be happy. We are so uncomfortable with pain. We do everything we can to avoid it. Physically, emotionally, and relationally. We avoid both our own pain and that of others. So, when someone we know, a friend, spouse or child is unhappy, we tend to respond in one of three ways: we avoid it, we put limits on it, or we try to fix it. Often, we flat out avoid it. This looks like not calling a friend who is grieving or sad. It looks like telling a significant other, “ok, I'll just give you some space until you're feeling better.” Not in an I've-asked-you-and-you-want-space kind of way, but in a “this-is-uncomfortable-and-I'm-getting-out-of-here kind of way. Or, we try to fix someone's pain. There's plenty of time for advice or suggestions, just be sure that the advice you want to share has been invited. And lastly, we often put limits on others' pain. You've grieved long enough. You've been sad about that long enough. You've been depressed long enough. Maybe they have or maybe they haven't. Allow others to experience their pain their way for as long as they need. People need permission and ability to feel the whole range of emotions. Do not expect them to always be happy. And don't take responsibility for their happiness. Your happiness is your responsibility and theirs is theirs. What should you do? Be with people in pain, help people in pain, and love people in pain. Don't expect others to read your mind. Remember when I mentioned a bit ago that my husband expected me to enjoy his hobby with him? It was car racing. He loved all things mechanical and automotive. Me, not so much. I'm as non-mechanical as you can get and I'd rather be reading, hiking, painting or sewing than doing anything with cars. This caused some friction in our relationship. Not because I was unsupportive. But, because he expected me to enjoy it with him to a greater degree than I was able. He envisioned us attending car club meetings together and going away all the time for summer racing weekends with other car people. The problem was that I had no idea that these expectations existed. Have you ever done that? Had expectations of someone else that you failed to communicate and then as a result, when your expectations weren't met, you know, the ones they didn't even know about? You were disappointed, angry or over time, resentful? We all have. Sometimes we don't even realize our own expectations exist. This is a huge problem. No matter how well you know each other, no one reads minds. Communicate your expectations clearly. Sometimes the expectations aren't a problem…if both parties know what they are. Sometimes the expectation is a problem, in which case knowing about it can lead to resolution instead of anger and resentment. Don't expect others to do things the right way…if the only right way is your way. This is another one that's easy to shrug off as extreme. Of course, you let other people do things their way! But, are there expectations they need to live up to? If they don't, do they pay for that in any way? Do you let them know they didn't meet your expectations? I'm not suggesting that you don't have discussions in any relationship about expectations not being met…but have healthy discussions about it. The cliche, “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” Comes from some nugget of truth, right? But, if you're doing all the things all yourself because there's no room in your world for things done differently, then your relationship will suffer. Burnout and resentment aren't good for any relationship. Don't expect the people in your life to agree with you all the time about everything. As much as social media begs to differ, we actually can agree to disagree with other people. We can actually love people who disagree with us. Shockingly, we can even like people who think differently than we do. No relationship is going to exist in which you agree on everything. It's just not. Maybe if you hung out with your clone all the time, but, seriously, how boring would that be? Our differences are what make us unique and interesting. Treat them with respect. Not just the other opinions or ideas. But, the people who hold those opinions and ideas. Don't expect perfection. It will never exist. Not in yourself and not in others. No one can live up to that standard. We're imperfect beings in imperfect relationships. Understand that, be willing to treat failures with understanding, openness, effort, and grace and you'll go a long way toward a healthy relationship. Lastly, don't expect others to have the same idea of what your relationship should be as you do. We come to our relationships with different needs, interests, intentions, backgrounds, habits, and values. Even people who grew up in the same family may have different perspectives on what any given relationship should look like. Siblings might disagree on what relationships with their parents should be. Friends might disagree on how much contact is expected in their relationship. There are a thousand different ways we could have different expectations about what a relationship should be like. You can't control anyone but yourself. You can't make them share your perspective. You can try to figure out what each of your relationship expectations is and try to come to a common ground. This takes effort on both sides. Those are seven pitfalls we can sabotage our relationships with by having unhealthy expectations. What can you do? Here are three ideas: Really pay attention and take responsibility for how your expectations are affecting your relationships. Commit to making any adjustments you need in your own behavior. Communicate, communicate, communicate. And commit to doing it in healthy ways. So, what happens when we let expectations get the best of us? When there's a gap between our expectations and reality? That's where disappointment, anger, and resentment can live. Next week, we'll talk about how to handle unmet expectations. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

Last night and today, I've had a relentless headache. Not the migraine, I'm-feeling-like-I'm-going-to-puke-can't-open-my-eyes kind of a headache. But, the kind that just won't go away and makes it hard to think clearly and put two sentences together. I've taken some pills, used peppermint oil and done a few other things that usually help. Nothing is touching it. I feel like I could be coming down with something, which wouldn't be shocking, pretty much everyone in the state of Tennessee is either sick or just getting over being sick. What I suspect is going on with my head is a combination of the start of allergy season, not sleeping well for several days, and a stressful week. But, probably the biggest contributing factor is that I just went cold turkey cutting unhealthy food out of my diet. Particularly for this discussion, sugar. If you imagine sugar as an adorable little stuffed pink unicorn, well, you're wrong. Sugar is far more like a lovely bride turned into a screaming bridezilla when her wishes aren't met. Having done this before, I know that in a few days I'll feel a lot better. I know the brain fog, the headaches, the feeling-like-I'm-getting-sick symptoms will all go away. But, in the meantime, I still have to get a podcast episode recorded, several articles written, business accounting done and be a mom with a middle school sleepover tonight. Oh, and manage to cook healthy meals and not eat the three boxes of girl scout cookies in my freezer. I love macaroni and cheese. The whole Southern United States loves macaroni and cheese. Here, it's considered a standard side dish like french fries or green beans. Just as commonly, it's a main dish. I love both box and homemade mac-n-cheese. Actually. Since I've been eating healthier the last few years, the box version now tastes like chemicals to me. But, my point is that I never expected them to be the same dish. They don't have to taste like each other. I can still like them both. Like millions of other people, I love bacon. I also love turkey bacon. Not as a substitute for bacon. I just like them both. Mentally, I consider them two totally different animals. Which, in fact, they are. I don't expect them to be the same so it doesn't bother me when they're not. How does this apply to life if you're not worrying about the food you eat? What if you don't expect one relationship to be exactly like another, even if they're both within your family? What if you don't expect this holiday to be exactly like all the holidays before? What if you don't expect one child to progress, perform, behave, speak or dress like your other child? What if we can love things equally, though they are different? What if it's just a willingness to let go of expectations to make room for something new and surprising? Yesterday, because of a project I'm working on, I had a lunch meeting with a local chef who cooks whole food, plant-based non-inflammatory meals for a foundation which delivers food to patients who are in active cancer therapy. She would not approve of a Thin Mints treatment for sugar withdrawal. Ever since I spoke with her, I've been thinking about how our conversation kept relating to expectations. We talked about cooking classes she teaches. When she markets them as healthy, she has fewer signups. People's expectations are that healthy food tastes bad, and who wants to learn how to make food that tastes bad? When she publishes a menu that includes, for example, lasagna, people expect a traditional dish. She once got class push back on a healthier version of lasagna and decided to do her version and a traditional version at the same time. The class preferred the taste of her version. Even though they expected not to like it initially. On the other hand, when she markets a class as “seasonal menu” people have the expectation that they're going to be surprised and are more open to trying something new. It's all about managing expectations, our own and others. What if you approached something you struggle with, with a new set of expectations? What if you decide to expect this visit with your in-laws to be different? This argument with your spouse to be different? This holiday dinner conversation to be different? How would that change your attitude? Your own behavior? This morning as my son was getting out of the car, we had this two sentence exchange. “Have a fabulous day!” Now, I should explain that neither of us is morning people, I don't normally say this, and I was particularly tired and groggy this morning (a headache, remember?). It sounds much perkier than it felt…though I totally meant it. “Have a fabulous day!” I said. As he gathered up his stuff and opened the door, my 12-year-old son responds with, “I probably won't. And look, a really big puddle right outside the door. Of course.” I love him, but he was totally responding Eyeore to my attempted Tigger. What do you think? What kind of day is he likely to have? Science says it will not be fabulous. Even if he stepped over that puddle intending to have a good day, his expectations would dictate his day, not his intentions. He's not always had a negative outlook. I'm desperately hoping it's a puberty thing, a phase that will vanish when middle school is in the rearview mirror. Our expectations shape our reality in more ways than we realize. Not in an I've-manifested-my-million-dollar-salary kind of way. But, in scientifically measurable ways. Imagine for a second that he would go into school that day truly with the expectation of a good day. Odds are that his day will align with his expectations whatever they are. Your expectations affect not only your behavior but others' behavior as well. There's a well-known study done in the late 1970's and repeated since them that gave teachers bogus information about students. Some students were said to be expected to “bloom” academically and others not, when in fact there was no difference between the groups other than the teachers' expectations. At the end of the test period, the students expected to bloom academically had. Their test scores were higher. Though they treated all the students the same, the teachers' expectations had influenced reality. Years later, it was discovered that the teacher's behavior was subtly different to those students which dramatically increased their success in the classroom. Their expectations had influenced their own behavior, which then influenced others. Anyone who's had a child crawl up on their lap and snuggle for a moment, look in your eyes and say, “I love you....can I have another cookie?” knows that manipulating other's behavior is a natural impulse. What I've been wondering this week is how we can use our expectations to encourage both ourselves and others into healthy behaviors. How can I use my expectations to influence my son's positive attitude? How can I use my expectations to eat healthier? How can I use them to influence my sales or marketing discussions? How can I use them to influence what I believe about myself? How can you use your own expectations to improve your life?

A few months ago, we talked about developing a "5 commandment" list for yourself - five statements that if you lived by them each day and made decisions by them, you'd be living a life centered around the values you want your life to be marked by. I've edited my list since then; I changed one statement. Here are my five commandments: Love God. Prioritize people. Choose health. Spend intentionally. Create consistently. You can check out episode 62 if you want to understand what those mean to me or more about why or how to create that list. Since that episode, we've been talking about tools and tactics we need to make lasting change in our lives. This is the last episode in that series and I wanted to summarize it all for you today by showing you an example of how all the pieces could work together. When I compare how I'm actually living with how I want to be living, there is a definite gap in two of those commandments. I'm not doing a good job of choosing health or creating consistently. Actually, I'm writing very consistently, but I've not been in the art studio in months. And I have some deadlines coming up for some pieces that need to be finished. I need to find a way to work that into my schedule. The bigger problem is my health. In the last year, I've gone from being in the best shape of my adult life to terrible shape. I'm neither eating right nor exercising. That has to change, I feel terrible and it keeps me from doing things I want to do and living the way I want to live. Today I'm going to walk you through how I can use all the tactics we've talked about to get my eating back on track. I'm going to go through the steps in the order I presented them in the January and February episodes. Game Plan for Eating Healthier A few things to remember as we dig into making a plan… Change is a process. Treat the process as a research scientist would. Identify the following people in your life: Mentor, Cheerleader, Partner There are different types of relationships that can help you succeed. Mentors can be people you know and meet with or people you learn from online, in books or by media like this podcast. This one I'm going to have to think about. If I do another round of Whole 30, then Melissa Hartwig, (creator of Whole 30) would be considered a mentor. If I do a four to six-week stint of vegan eating, then I'd count Forks Over Knives as a mentor, as well as a handful of friends who are vegan. But, I'm leaning towards doing a more sustainable, long-term plan, so I'm going to have to work on this one after I decide what exactly I'm doing. Cheerleaders are another personal resource. These are people who encourage you along the way. I have a friend I meet with weekly and I'll recruit her specifically to be a cheerleader as well as a long-distance friend who's changed her eating habits dramatically over the last few years. Partners are people walking the same road at the same time. My family will be partnering in this to some extent, but they may not be entirely enthusiastic partners. I'd also love if you partnered with me. You don't need to do the same thing I'm doing, but if you'd be interested in participating in a 30 day Healthier You challenge alongside me, sign up here and I'll send you some info about how to get started and open up a private facebook group as well. Identify unhealthy relationships that would sabotage your change-making. I'm going to have to think further about this one, I can't think of any unhealthy relationships off the top of my head (I've weeded out many of them already). This might include people who encourage overindulging, or who I only get together to eat ice cream with or people who don't have a focus on a healthy lifestyle. INTERNAL FACTORS Put yourself in your default future. My default future if I continue down this path is that I'll most likely be on medication for weight and diet-related disease. This could be heart disease, diabetes, cancer, or any number of other issues. I won't be able to enjoy life as much or play with my grandkids. Things that I love to do will be much more difficult and so I probably won't do them. Things like hiking, kayaking, and beach-walking. I don't want those days to be over. I don't want to spend my time in a hospital. I don't want to be constantly dealing with medications and doctors. I don't want the constant pain and inflammation I'm feeling now. I don't want the second half of my life to be lived on the sidelines from a recliner. I want to be active. If I keep on like this, that won't happen. Face the whole truth. The whole truth right now is that I'm an overweight, middle-aged mom. I'm hampered by my weight gain and by my body's reaction to the foods I'm eating. I'm uncomfortable, but not doing anything about it. There is nothing good on this path except immediate, momentary satisfaction that only lasts until the next cookie. And, I'm being a terrible role model for my son. I'm not acting like I value health right now. Obsess over the why. Because I want to feel good. I want to be functionally fit. I want to be able to move and react easily and freely. I want to be able to run, dance, jump, walk, and skip, just for the joy of movement. I want to play on the floor with my grandkids (assuming I ever have grandkids). There is too much world left to explore to be unhealthy. Gamify it: Limited time, Small Actions, Scoring I'm going to work on healthy eating for the rest of the year, but I'm going to work in 30-day increments to keep the time frame smaller and more immediate. I'll start this plan on March 1st. For this month I'm going to use an incentive to gamify the process and I'll talk about that in a few minutes. And I'll track each successful day in my journal. I'm going to use a long-term incentive too. I'm going to consider a month successful If I've made all good choices for 25 days out of the month. When I reach 10 successful months, I'll treat myself to something I've wanted for a long time, a stand-up paddleboard. I'm going to cut a photo of one up in 10 pieces and begin to put it back together again as I complete each successful month. Create a personal vision statement. This is a statement that I will repeat to myself before I eat anything. I'm going to start by trying:   I make healthy choices so that I can hike, travel and play with my grandkids. Identify skills you need to make the change. I need to make a decision on how I'm going to eat and I need to carve out time for planning meals. How can you acquire these skills? I'll make a decision on what to eat and create a meal plan before March 1. Mostly, that's not acquiring skills, but spending time pulling recipes together. And I think it's going to be slightly different than anything I've done before, so I may need to do some online research. How can you practice willpower in small steps? List three steps you can take in the order of increasing difficulty. Step one: good choices at home for snacks Step two: good choices at my Tuesday and Wednesday meetings where there's food present Step three: good choices when I'm surrounded by bad food all day on Sundays Who can you recruit to help you manage the harder challenges? The women in my groups and on my Sunday ministry team EXTERNAL FACTORS What positive incentives can you add to your plan? (small rewards, reward actions, not results) I'm going to put $1 a day in a jar each day I make good choices all day. After a month I can spend that or keep adding to it. What negative incentives can you add to your plan? That $1 a day? If I don't make good choices, it's going in another jar and I'll donate it to a charity I totally disagree with. Build personal boundaries. For the next month, I'll order groceries online once a week. This keeps me from making bad choices when I'm there and limits my options for making bad choices at home. Distance yourself from trouble. I'll eliminate the junk and tempting things from the kitchen. I'll move anything remaining to the back of the pantry where I tend to forget it…or the other end of the house. Or, I'll throw it away if that doesn't work. Create behavior prompts. I'm putting some photos of travel, hiking, and kayaking inside my kitchen cabinets. Maybe do some art pieces or put some posters up too that will remind me subconsciously of who I am. Harness your inner lazy. I need a meal plan. If I have a 30-day meal plan, I'll follow it. I tend to fall off the wagon far more easily when I work without a plan. When I have a meal plan in place, I have to make an effort to break it, and if I do, I know I waste time, food and money, which I don't like. Use tools. I'm going to track food and water for a month. I've done this before and it really helps with awareness and accountability. That's it! Remember, these tactics are about how you're going to support yourself as you make changes and not what you're changing. Also, parts of this might not work. I'll try it for a month and see. I'm sure there are other things along the way I'll think of and I'll add them in as I go along. This process isn't limited to making changes in how you eat. You can use it for any change you want to make. What do you need to change? You'll be far more likely to be successful if you make a plan. If you do want to come along with me on a Healthier You challenge in March, click here and join in. I'm actually doing exercising alongside healthier eating, so I'll probably be talking a bit about that as well. You don't need to be doing what I'm doing, but we can help partner in making good choices and sticking to our own plans. Let's see what we can start to accomplish in the next 30 days!

My degree in college was in Interior Design. We did a little bit of decorating—I was trained in stylistic periods, materials and furniture. I was taught fabric types and color theory. But, the majority of my training came in three parts: determining the problem, solving that problem and presenting a solution. It just so happened that the problems I was solving had to do with environmental spaces that people lived or worked in. We learned how to make spaces functional to solve practical issues but at the same time, we solved psychological issues as well. For example, you want your bedroom to function well as a bedroom, but you probably also want it to be a restful space that promotes sleep. You want your office space to allow the right number and different types of work that need to happen, but you also need it to promote the right quality of work or promote sales. Our environments influence our behavior, often unconsciously. When restaurants want to turn tables faster, they can change the music to be more upbeat and a faster speed. You're more likely to eat faster and leave than if the music played is relaxing and calming. Research has shown that a subtle background aroma of cleaning liquid in the air influences people to be perceptibly cleaner and tidier than they would otherwise be. This leads me to believe I need to diffuse Lemon Scented Pledge in my son's bedroom and whenever I want him to take a shower. Mark Tyrrell says, Another fascinating piece of research reported in the journal Science in October 2008 involved hot and cold cups of coffee. Students were asked to hold a cup of coffee in their hands for a few seconds before reading an information pack about a hypothetical person and then assessing this person's 'character'. The students who had held a hot cup of coffee were significantly more likely to describe the hypothetical individual as 'warm and friendly' than the students who had held an iced coffee. Just the immediate environment of their hands had seeded their unconscious minds, and, although they all read the very same information about the imaginary individual, their responses were largely in accord with the environmental 'suggestion'. Environment influences behavior. Designers of all kinds know this to be true. I know how your eye is likely to move across a web page and I can influence your behavior with what I put in those locations. Landscape designers know how they want you to use an outdoor space and create environments that lead to the outcomes they want. I could go on with examples for a very long time. But, instead of creating paranoia about how every environment you enter has been designed to affect your behavior…let's talk about how this idea can help you influence your own behavior. Last week we talked about how to beef up your internal ability to make changes. We talked about motivation and skills. This week, let's talk about ways we can make external things work in our favor. I'm going to focus on incentives and environment. How can you use external factors to help you make changes in your life? Let's start with incentives. You know how this works. Companies offer incentives for employees to work there. Stores offer incentives for people to buy there. The dictionary says that an incentive is "a thing that motivates or encourages one to do something” or "a payment or concession to stimulate greater output or investment." You probably have thought about using incentives to change your own behavior before. It might sound like this, “when I lose 20 pounds, I'll buy a new wardrobe” or, “if I eat right for six days, I'll eat whatever I want on the seventh day.” Do incentives work? Yes, they can. But we need to be very careful to use them strategically. 3 Tips to Use Incentives Effectively Reward behaviors, not results. Give yourself a reward for studying an hour each day, not for obtaining a specific grade. Orient your incentive to train a behavior that leads to a change. Reward what you do, not what you achieve. Keep your incentives relatively small. Small incentives have the power to influence our behavior, but not be the sole reason driving us toward change. If your incentive is too large and becomes the primary motivation for behavior change, then once that incentive is gone, a relapse is pretty certain. So, think of incentives as small encouragements and as supplements to the other tactics we've talked about. Another reason to use small incentives along the way is that your motivation needs help in the beginning and middle. Momentum has a way of helping the final push. The odds are greater that you will stop or quit in the middle or be overwhelmed at the beginning. So, reward small wins along the way (during the process) and don't focus on a large incentive at the end. Consider losing loss aversion or negative incentives in addition to positive ones. We humans are wired to be more motivated to avoid losing things than we are to gaining things. In other words, we'll work harder to avoid a loss than to receive a gift. What if every week that you didn't work out at least five times, you require yourself to send $20 to a charity whose purpose you really hate? This is technically a bit different than punishment because, with punishment, you're trying to decrease a behavior. Apply negative incentives to behaviors you're trying to increase. The other external factor that influences your behavior is your environment. 5 Ways To Harness Your Environment To Help You Change Build Personal Boundaries. Draw some lines in the sand. If you overspend when you go to the mall, don't go to the mall. Simple, right? Or, leave your credit card at home and only take the amount of cash you're willing to spend with you. If you can't avoid the chocolate croissant and fancy sugared-up drink at the local coffee shop, don't spend your Saturday mornings hanging out there. Boundaries can be created in your home as well. If you want your TV time to be an intentional choice rather than a default behavior, move the TV to the basement family room where you have to intentionally choose to watch. Two cautions about boundaries. They work so well that we can rely on them the same way we can rely on large incentives. Use them as part of a plan for change, not your sole approach. And make sure you create and maintain the boundary by choice. Someone else cutting up your credit card, telling you to avoid the bars or ice cream is never going to work as well as boundaries you create and maintain yourself. Distance yourself from trouble. Make the behaviors you want to do easy and habitual. Make the behaviors you don't want difficult and keep them far away. If I find myself snacking on something when I don't want to at a table with friends, I move the snacks to the other side of the table. If you want a better relationship, spend time with that person. If you want to exercise more, make it easy and convenient. If the effort of going to the gym will be too much and you won't get there, then figure out something more convenient like a subscription to a yoga site that will let you workout anywhere you have room to lay down and wifi access (here is one option and a second one). On the other hand, loss aversion can come into play as well with a gym membership…if you pay enough that the idea of wasting the money becomes a strong enough incentive to get you there, that's legit too. If you're not enforcing a no-chocolate (or alcohol, Dorito, or Oreo) boundary, then keep the undesirable item in the most difficult to reach location in your kitchen. Make it inconvenient and difficult to get to. Create a behavior prompts. Create physical cues that remind and reinforce the behaviors you want to encourage. Create a pre-flight checklist for walking into your home in the evening with the right attitude after work. Put a photo of an active, healthy person inside the snack cabinet door. Put a poster in your office showing the behavior you want to encourage. Put a mirror behind the phone in your workspace to remind you to smile and be friendly when answering a call. Put a behavior reminder on your phone lock screen to remind you of the change you want throughout the day. Make a wall-hanging checklist for habit tracking. Be aware that you might need to periodically change these, visual cues tend to have a half-life. My five commandments have been on my lock screen and bathroom mirror for about two months now and I tend not to notice them anymore, it's time to change things up. Harness your inner lazy. We have a default bias. Our brains want to conserve energy and any decisions they can create a default for, they do. So, make your default the behavior you want to encourage. Do you want to spend more time with your spouse? Buy season tickets to something you'll enjoy and find a babysitter in advance. Put it on your calendars and it will become a default. It then becomes something you'll actively have to cancel instead of actively have to pursue. Another great way to encourage default behaviors is habit stacking. Tack behaviors you want to encourage on to other things you already do habitually. It's ridiculous, but I have trouble washing my face and brushing my teeth in the morning. I'm groggy, I'm rushed and it just often doesn't happen. So, I decided that it was part of my initial wake up routine. Before I even let my dog out of his crate. I get up, use the bathroom, brush my teeth and wash my face. I don't leave the bathroom to start my day without doing that. It totally worked, I almost never miss a morning now. Instead of a decision I have to make, it's a pattern in my life. Use Tools. There are tools available to help us do so many things these days. Track food and water intake, sleep schedule, steps walked, heart rate and habits formed. I have a friend who wanted to intentionally spend a few moments with her spouse uninterrupted reconnecting after work every day. She painted up a bench, put it in her kitchen in a very prominent spot, and christened it "the love bench". She and her husband spend time there each day and the kids know that's parent time and they can wait a few moments for whatever they need. This is a tool to add intentionality and togetherness to her marriage. How can you use your phone, TV, video player, yoga mat, notepad, journal, furniture, or bookshelf to help you succeed? How can you harness tools that are easily accessible in your every day to work for you and not against you? There are dozens of trackers, reminders, equipment, and tools available. Find them. Try them. Get creative. Make them work for you. Next week, we'll finish up this series on change-making by putting it all together. We'll review all the tactics we've talked about by creating a plan to make a change using all of them. I'll bring you along on my plan for change and you'll see one example of a way to put it all together.   Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

We've talked about the tools you need, a growth mindset, and busted some myths about making changes. Don't you think it's about high time we actually make some changes? It's sooooo much easier to think about and talk about making changes in our lives than actually doing it. I've had a legitimately crazy week with an average of one major crisis per day. Authentically major crises, not some silly hangnail kind of crisis. And this podcast recording is late. Even though I know it's late, I've put it off all day. I'm generally not a procrastinator. But, I'm was having a ton of trouble forcing myself to get to work on this episode. Why? I think it has to do with the fact that I actually have to buckle down and make some changes at this point. It's much easier to think about it and plan to do it…tomorrow. Or, next week. Much of what we're going to talk about in the next two weeks comes from a book published in 2011 called Change Anything. (not an affiliate link, just a great book) The folks that wrote the book describe six outside influences that affect our change-making ability. These six fall into a few categories. Half relate to our motivation and half to our abilities. In each of these two categories, there is a personal, a social and a structural influence. In the toolbox episodes relating to people (here and here), I already talked about the social aspect, so we're going to focus on the personal motivations and abilities this week and the structural motivations and abilities next week. When it comes to making changes in our lives, many of us feel like Allie Brosh who says in Hyperbole and a Half Most people can motivate themselves to do things simply by knowing that those things need to be done. But not me. For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it. If I win, I have to do something I don't want to do. And if I lose, I'm one step closer to ruining my entire life. And I never know whether I'm going to win or lose until the last second. I know it's a book of hyperbole, but she hits pretty close to the mark about how we feel about personal motivation and willpower. Usually, we know what we should do, the question is will we do it? If my son liked doing his homework, the laundry and taking showers, he wouldn't need external motivation, like my constant insistence, bribes, and threats to get it done. Now, wouldn't that be a lovely world? If he eagerly tripped off to take a shower and do his laundry? But, I can't really judge him too harshly, because I have the same issue when it comes to balancing the checkbook and paying bills, choosing the carrots over chocolate, and cleaning pretty much anything. If the change I need to make is getting my finances under control, I'd better learn to balance my checkbook, control my spending and pay my bills whether I enjoy it or not. If I need to change my eating habits, how can I make myself bypass the chocolate and reach for the carrots? Or, if I want to have a presentable house, how can I convince myself to clean consistently and thoroughly? How can we convince ourselves to do things in the short term we really aren't eager to do in order to get the long-term results we really do want? I'm going to give you five strategies today. Grab your pen and notebook, because this is a super practical episode and you are going to want to remember these tactics. Grab this printable worksheet you can use to generate ideas about each of these tactics and apply them to the change you want to make. 1. Put yourself in your default future. My ex-husband is a diabetic and suffering the physical deterioration that uncontrolled diabetes causes. He was recently in the hospital for a few weeks with kidney failure. I'm not in any immediate danger of being diabetic. But, my grandfather was and its always in the back of my mind. I have a serious sugar addiction and I've gained a ton of weight in the last several months. Someone you know facing a life-threatening health crisis that is a potential result of one of your behaviors that needs to change is a way to make the future seem very real. Feeling, touching, smelling, visualizing that future - good or bad is a way to help bring it to bear on the decisions you face in the short term. What can you do to make the future seem more realistic? If you need to develop a habit of wearing a motorcycle helmet. Talk to an emergency room nurse. Spend time with people who live in or daily deal with the future you want or want to avoid. 2. Face the whole truth. We have a way of conveniently avoiding unpleasant details by glossing over them or using language that sounds polite and less provocative than the truth often is. I noticed myself doing it as I thought about the language I just used a few moments ago in talking about the results of diabetes. I said, “the physical deterioration that uncontrolled diabetes causes.” This is politely sanitized language. Telling you that is one thing. When I'm trying not to eat a half a package of Oreos I need to think of it as, “having parts of my feet amputated, losing my eyesight, missing my son's life because I'm in the hospital half the time, losing consciousness, kidneys failing, facing death before my boy is grown.” See the difference? Don't shy away from the whole truth. Visit it in as much detail, vivid language, and gritty realism as you can possibly muster. 3. Obsess over the why. While talking and thinking about your behaviors and habits, obsess about the why behind the actions. Constantly associate your behavior with the values driving the change. Since I started with the health example and it's where I need to change right now, I'll just stick with it. When I think about making a choice, I need to remind myself that I'm choosing family. I'm choosing longevity. I'm choosing the ability to run, play and hike with my grandkids rather than watch them from a recliner. I'm choosing real lasting joy over temporary pleasure. I'm choosing to be responsible and healthy. I'm choosing to be a good example for my son. These values that I can associate with choices help me see a bigger picture, a “why” that helps overpower immediate gratification. 4. Gamify it. One of the biggest recent trends in marketing meets personal motivation. Turn your change-making into a game. There are three keys to doing this…limited time, chunked down challenges and meaningful scores. Whole30 works because it's a limited time, the rules are clear and the scorekeeping is how you feel. I track habits I'm trying to form because there's something incredibly satisfying about seeing those x's on the page and something motivating about not wanting to break a streak. There's a story about a man struggling to complete his doctoral thesis that illustrates this point. He gave himself 90 days. That's the limited time. He created a task of writing 2 pages a day - that's an easily doable chunked down challenge. And here's the part I love most about this particular story…the clever scoring. He borrowed doctoral robes, took a photo of himself in them and cut it into 90 pieces. As he completed his 2 pages a day, he added a piece of the photo and he began building the picture of himself as a doctoral candidate. 5. Create a personal vision statement. Develop a short sentence or two that you can repeat to yourself when faced with a choice that will put the choice in perspective. It could paint the picture of your default future, it could talk about what kind of person you want to be. It should be full of value words and it must be personally motivating to you. Commit to repeating this statement to yourself before making choices relating to the change you want to make. As I'm thinking about this for myself, I'm going to test out, “I'm the kind of person that makes healthy, responsible choices that mean I'll live to play with my grandkids.” Yours could be, “I'm responsible with my money because I take care of those I love.” Those are five tactics for increasing your personal motivation. Add them to your personal “why” and the five commandments we developed at the end of last year and you'll have a set of strategies that help tilt the odds in your favor for making short-term choices that lead to long-term change. That covers the motivation side of the personal influences, but what about the abilities? We tend to have blind spots when it comes to what we know and don't know. For example, if I want my son to make good food choices, I might need to educate him about those choices. Is yogurt a healthy food? What about granola? Are the Clif bars he loves a good choice? I don't have Coke in the house, so he's not faced with that choice daily, but what about wanting one every time we're out? What if I taught him that a daily sweetened soft drink can add 15 lbs a year to his weight. And over five years that's 75 lbs. What if I see the 35 lbs I should lose as constantly carrying everywhere I go an extra bag of the dog food I dread carrying down my stairway every month. What if I have to buckle down and wade through current health data, or find new recipes or learn a new way to cook? What if I need to develop new skills in the grocery store: reading and interpreting labels, not shopping when I'm hungry, distracting myself when I'm prone to snacking, identifying when I'm stress eating and developing other coping mechanisms. What skills or abilities do you need to make your change possible? Relationship skills? Budgeting skills? You may need to ask a partner or friend because we often don't see exactly where we're lacking. After you've identified those skills, start developing them. Get help, take a class, learn to use deliberate practice to acquire a new ability. It's an intentional learning strategy. Also, be aware that willpower can be an acquired skill. We don't think of it that way, but be encouraged, because it can be practiced and improved, just like other skills. Start small. Practice intentionally. Recruit a coach or a helper. Increase your skill level. I threw a lot of tactics at you today - this week and next will be tactic heavy. Super practical. So if you have that thing you want to change in your life. Take these tactics and start applying them. Recruit a friend to help you brainstorm ideas, hold you accountable and help you practice. Remember that change is a process and you're approaching it with the attitude of a research scientist. Try these tactics and evaluate the results. What worked? What needs changing? Your motivational statement isn't motivating? Try a new one. Your “why” isn't powerful enough? What would be?

Up until about six years ago, I hated running. I had to run when I was in school to condition for swimming. I hated it. But, it's convenient! It accomplishes a lot in a relatively short period of time and can be done almost anywhere. After I was no longer swimming competitively, every so often I'd think about the benefits of running and I'd decide I was going to be a runner. Yep, I was going to do it! This happened about every three to five years. So, I'd pick a date, I'd lace up my shoes, I'd head out the door with my enthusiasm. And, I'd hate every minute of it. I'd want to die. If I was really hardcore about it that time, I might last three days. About six years ago, I was watching Darren Hardy talk about the differences between how successful people behave and how unsuccessful people behave. He said one thing that changed my attitude about running. He said that everyone has things they don't like to do. Successful people don't like the things that are hard any more than unsuccessful people do. They just do them anyway. They just do them anyway! And I realized that I don't have to like to run. If it works best for my schedule and lifestyle, I just needed to do it anyway. That fundamentally changed my expectations about how I feel about running. I decided to start running again. But, this time, I did it differently. I learned how to start running. I got a Couch to 5K app and started slowly, increasing my run to walk ratio gradually. I gave myself a goal of running a particular race hosted downtown by my favorite hockey team…a Nashville Predators shirt was incentive swag. And I began to post run photos online and arranged to do the race with friends. This time, I was successful. I did the race. I had a great time and I've been running off and on ever since. The really funny thing is, that I really do enjoy it far more than I ever expected to. I tried repeatedly to make that change in my life and failed pretty miserably. And then, I finally succeeded. Fluke? No. I did all the wrong things for the wrong reasons all the times I failed and I increased the odds significantly the time I was successful. Some of the things I did hint at some of the ways you can increase the odds of making changes successfully. We're going to talk about those strategies in the upcoming weeks. This week, I want to dispel a few myths about change so that we're all starting from the same place. Myth #1: If I have enough willpower, I can change. If I don't, I can't. Wrong. If you have a tremendous amount of willpower, that's awesome and it certainly will help you. But, for the rest of us mere mortals with willpower that crumbles in the face of a single Reese cup, the good news is that willpower doesn't have to be the deciding factor in whether you succeed or fail! In 1962, Walter Mischel did a study that put a marshmallow in front of children who were instructed not to eat it for 15 minutes. If they held out for the whole time, they received another marshmallow, doubling their treasure. Most kids couldn't resist, but the minority that did went on to be more successful in life. This study was interpreted for years to show that intrinsic self-discipline and willpower was a key factor to success in life. But, what if that was too simple a conclusion? What if there was another factor involved? Recently some researchers at Change Anything Labs reworked this experiment. They ran it exactly the same way the original was done and got the same results. Turns out human nature hasn't changed in fifty years. Shocking, right? But, then they did something different. They taught the kids some strategies for dealing with the temptation in front of them. And the kids actually put those strategies to use. They really wanted that second marshmallow, they just didn't have the skills to know how to avoid eating the one in front of them. This time, many more of them won the marshmallow stare down and 50% more of them walked away with two marshmallows clutched in little hands. Sticky little hands. We learn from this that experiment that willpower can be supplemented by skills and strategy. And that's what the next three weeks are going to be about. Strategies that will increase the odds of your success tenfold. Myth #2: Change is an event. I need to change, I do and then voilà, I'm a new person! Wrong. Change is not an event, change is a process. When I failed in becoming a runner, I thought that what it would take for me to make that change was to make the decision to run and then to follow the oft-quoted slogan of running shoe giant, Nike. I'd just do it. But, that's not what it took. It took time for me to learn how to run. It took time for my body to adjust. It was a process of change that took months. And frankly, the first round of that Couch to 5K didn't really make me a runner. Repeating that process a few times did. There were milestones along the way. The first time I felt a runner's high. The first time I ran twenty minutes straight, without stopping or walking. The first race I did. Realizing that for me, running is therapy and not competition. The realization I didn't need to run fast or far to be a “real” runner. These things all took time. The physical, mental and emotional changes were all a process. Even now, it's a process. I've not been running in about six months and I want to start up again. But, the strategies I use might need to be different. I'm not in as good physical condition as I've been the last few times. My schedule is different. I've lost the built-in accountability of my workout group. The process goes on. Myth #3: I can approach change like an athlete: I train, I race, I win. Wrong. It's absolutely critical to approach change like a research scientist participating in a long-term experiment. If change is a process, we need to also understand that in that process, things almost certainly will go both right and wrong. We'll succeed and we'll fail. If we understand the process to be linear, we'll expect to head right out and eventually reach the end. Success! Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it happens. It often looks more like a tangled ball of yarn than a straight line between two points. There will be setbacks. Even when something works for a time, it may stop working. How you deal with those setbacks is absolutely crucial to your eventual success. Treat the process as a research scientist would. Do you remember the scientific method from school? Let me refresh your memory. You choose a topic or ask a question. In our case, a change you want to make. I want to be a runner. You create a hypothesis. I'm going to try to become a runner by following the instructions of the Couch to 5K app. You test the hypothesis. I tried the app. It mostly worked, but there were some things I really didn't like about it. Here's the critical part. You examine the results, revise the hypothesis and test again. I thought the Couch to 5K methodology was sound, I just didn't like the way they did it. So, I tried a different version, an app called Get Running. Same concept, different ramp-up schedule and Claire, with a lovely British accent telling me to get my tail in gear. Somehow, it's easier to do what she says when I hear it in an accent I like to listen to. It worked better for me. However, the schedule I was running on stopped working. I was running in the afternoons. Here in the South, that's just stupid after Mid-May, so I made another change and began running early in the morning to escape the heat. Those were simple, common sense changes I made in this example. But, had I not had an experimental attitude, I would have stopped at the first speed bump and just decided that it didn't work and I'd never be a runner. I would have missed out on the success and on all the benefits running has brought me over time. As we begin to make changes in our lives over the next few weeks, I want you to understand something. Just because you've not been successful before, doesn't mean you can't be. It means you haven't been successful yet. Let's try again, together. I'm going to give you some direction on how to get there, how to use the tools we've been talking about for the last few weeks and some strategies for success. I want you to approach it without relying on willpower, with the understanding that it's a process, that there will be ups and downs, wins and losses in that process and with the experimental attitude of a research scientist. Be willing to examine what you're doing and adjust. And keep making adjustments until you turn around one day and realize that you're a runner. Or, 50 pounds lighter. Or, a better wife. Or, whatever it is that you're trying to improve in your life. What is it that thing for you? If you worked through the What's Important series with me after the first of the year, you should know. If not, go back and listen to episodes 62, 63 and 64 and find the gaps between what's important to you and how you're currently living. Then we'll start tacking strategies for making changes next week!

We've been talking for the last several weeks about what you need in your toolbox to make lasting change in your life. We covered some basic gear-n-gadget things I use to keep myself on track and the last few weeks we talked about people, the people we do need and the people we don't need around. This week, we've got one final tool. It's your mindset. Don't you roll your eyes at me…now, don't, I can see them rolling, c'mon. Hang with me. There's real science here and important information. Carol Dweck, Ph.D. in Psychology and professor at Standford University became interested in her students' attitudes about failure over 30 years ago and ever since then, she's been studying how changing our beliefs (even the very smallest ones) can change our lives. You can read about her findings in Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Here's how she talks about it in her book: For twenty years, my research has shown that the view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life. It can determine whether you become the person you want to be and whether you accomplish the things you value. Believing that your qualities are carved in stone — the fixed mindset — creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. If you have only a certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality, and a certain moral character — well, then you'd better prove that you have a healthy dose of them… Every situation calls for a confirmation of their intelligence, personality, or character. Every situation is evaluated: Will I succeed or fail? Will I look smart or dumb? Will I be accepted or rejected? Will I feel like a winner or a loser? There's another mindset in which these traits are not simply a hand you're dealt and have to live with, always trying to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you're secretly worried it's a pair of tens. In this mindset, the hand you're dealt is just the starting point for development. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts… Do people with this mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein or Beethoven? No, but they believe that a person's true potential is unknown (and unknowable); that it's impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training. So, how you think about how you think and how you think about who you are affects your behavior. Dweck found that people with a growth mentality are more successful in every aspect of their lives and live with lower stress levels. A fixed mindset believes that the things that make us who we are, our personality, our intelligence level, our creativity, everything about our abilities is unchangeable. How smart we are is just how smart we are. How creative we are is just how creative we are. All these things are set at birth and can't be changed. A growth mindset, on the other hand, believes that all these things that make up who we are are simply a starting point. How you develop them determines your potential, not your birth. People with these two mindsets actually think differently and respond to information differently. When brain activity is measured, those with a fixed mindset have more brain activity when they are being told how they did. They're responding to how they're perceived. Those with a growth mindset showed more activity when being told how they can improve. They're more concerned with how they learn. The activity in their brain shows them translating critique into improvement rather than into judgment. Why does this matter? My son is a sixth grader. He's always breezed through school and for the first time is starting to have to work at it a little bit. Not much, but a little bit. He's always been told he's smart by many people around him. So, imagine for a moment that you're him. You think you're smart. School is easy. You don't need to work at it. All the sudden you run up against something more difficult. (remember, you're not an adult able to think about it in adult terms.). So, you hit something that's hard and you have a setback. You struggle. If you have a fixed mindset and school gets hard…what's wrong? I guess you've hit your limit. I suppose I'm not as smart as everyone thought I was. I suppose this is the extent of my ability. This is where my smart runs out. How does your belief about yourself affect your actions? What happens next time you start to struggle? Statistics say you're likely to become uninterested and give up. If my son starts struggling, believes that means he's just not good at something, becomes uninterested and gives up…what do you see happening in school for the next six to ten years? What would that habitual belief and practice lead to in his job? His marriage? If, on the other hand, he has a growth mindset and he begins to struggle, he does not believe there's a glass ceiling on his ability. So, a struggle is not a judgment on his capacity. It is simply a struggle and seen as an opportunity for growth. So, let's say he struggles. And believes there's no reason why he can't succeed, so doubles down and works at it a little harder. Finds ways to improve. And succeeds. What happens the next time he hits a struggle? What patterns for life begin to be laid down because of his belief about his own abilities? I don't know what you've been told about your abilities. I don't know the words spoken into your life and taken into your heart as truth. But, science is proving that our brains are far more malleable than we've ever believed. Our brains can be changed at any age. Scientists call it neuroplasticity and it's really good news for us. If you've always believed you're just not smart enough. Not creative enough. Not organized enough. Not outgoing enough. You're wrong. You may not be those things…yet. But, where you are now is not at the fullness of your capacity. Where you are now is simply a starting point. You need a growth mindset in your toolbox to effect change. How you think about your potential matters. What if you fall toward the fixed mindset? Are you doomed? Nope. Your mindset can be changed. Neuroplasticity, remember? Here's a ridiculously long list of things you can do to move toward a growth mindset. Recognize and praise your own effort rather than typical success measurements. Practice doing things that challenge you, then find ways to enjoy the challenge. Don't attribute your success (or failure) to ingrained ability; instead, notice the hard work and effort you've put in. Begin to link your struggles with a sense of adventure. Argue with your inner dialog that tells you you can't. Talk Back. Take control of the words you listen to in your head. Find something positive in any setback. Constantly celebrate small victories. Exercise your mind. Try meditation and mindfulness training. Acknowledge and embrace imperfections. Reframe your thinking about challenges as opportunities. Replace the word “failing” in your vocabulary with the word “learning”. Stop seeking approval from others or performing for others. Cultivate a sense of purpose. Celebrate your growth with others and notice and celebrate others' growth. Emphasize growth over speed. What you're learning is more important than how fast you're learning. Reward and praise actions, not traits. Determine to understand criticism as positive and desirable. Regard effort more highly than talent. Emphasize the importance of brain training. Cultivate grit. Use the word "Yet". You aren't good at that…yet. Value process in life, the journey instead of the end result, the goal or the destination Follow the research on brain plasticity, steep yourself in the science. Practice taking risks. Never "get there" but instead see goal setting as a never-ending process. See learning realistically, it takes time. Realize that practice equals mastery. Take ownership over your own attitude. Become more aware of your gifts, talents, and abilities and how you've grown them throughout your life. Cultivate curiosity. Practice taking on challenges. Start small and grow with them Value learning over typical success metrics.. Embrace failure. Seek out and practice receiving feedback. If you're struggling with learning something, explore new learning styles, practices and tactics. Practice thinking about new strategies to use to change your results. My son takes piano lessons. He hates it. Well, he constantly tells me he hates it. He cries, rages and complains. What he really hates is taking time away from his games. I make him do it for reasons that have nothing to do with music. I think a music education is important. But, he's also doing it because sometimes we have to do things in life we don't like and he needs to learn to work at those things he doesn't want to do just as hard and with as much grace as he does the things he enjoys. As I mentioned the tears and whining, that lesson obviously has yet to be learned. He's also doing it so that he has a tangible example that effort makes a difference. That practice equals mastery. His recital pieces usually seem difficult at the beginning of each preparation period. But, working on the pieces consistently over time yields a beautiful performance. Doing these kinds of things can help him cultivate a growth mindset. It's a tangible example of expanded capabilities. Drawing used to be a part of every student's education. It was regarded as a skill that was taught and learned, not the “You have it or you don't” attitude we have about it now. I understand perspective and design, but I don't draw very well. So, I started a sketch diary. It's amazing to look back on my progress. Practice leads to mastery. I can learn to draw. Am I as good as I'd like to be? No. Will I be an amazing sketch artist in the future? Maybe…but, not likely. It teaches me to value progress. I post them on social media, so it's also teaching me to embrace imperfection. And I believe that I'll only improve with practice. Nelson Mandela said, and I wish it for you, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” Where do you fall on the continuum of belief? How do you think about your own abilities? You need a growth mindset in your toolbox in order to believe that change is truly possible in your life. What will you do to move yourself farther toward a growth mindset? Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

Do you have areas of your home that need purging? If you don't, I'm not sure we could be friends! Everyone has at least a junk drawer…right? The first time I went through a home purge was before minimalism or KonMari was a thing. I had looked around my apartment after a separation and realized that I didn't need half of what I saw. So, I decided to get rid of half of it. Half of everything in the house. With a few exceptions. The kitchen. My bookshelves. And my shoes. Those three things were exempt. They got a get out of jail free card. I went through each room, each drawer, closet and shelf and got rid of at least 50% of what was there. It was liberating. That was in 2008. Since then, I've gone through several more rounds of that and I've lifted the exemption on the kitchen, books, and even shoes. Yes, I've purged my books and my shoes. Shocking, I know. Sometimes, we only need to tidy up. But, every so often, we need to do a deep dive and purge things. We've been talking for the last few weeks about what belongs in your change-making toolbox. I did a gadget-n-gear episode two weeks ago and last week we talked about people, about what kind of people you need around you. This week, we're going to talk about people again, but switch it up a bit. Let's talk about the kind of people you don't want in your toolbox. The kind you might need to deep clean or purge. Last week I asked you to take a look around you at the people in your social circles and begin to think about who does or could fill the roles of mentor, cheerleader or friend. If you did that, you might have noticed that there are probably other people in your life that don't fall into those categories. Some of these people have a negative effect on your ability to make changes in your life. First, there are the obvious enemies. Do you have people in your life who actively sabotage things? Or, they would if you tried to make a change? Maybe they feel threatened by you, maybe they're jealous of you, maybe they don't like the color of your skin or the clothes you wear. Maybe you've had a conflict with them. Maybe they're an ex-spouse or a family member. Maybe you have no idea why they seem to oppose you every time you turn around. But, they're easy to spot. They're the obvious and overt opposition. Then there are the silent ones. They may not be actively opposed to you, you might not even notice them. But, they affect your perception of what's normal. Let's pretend you're part of a work or social culture that eats a lot, drinks a lot, and doesn't move around much. You all have jobs that park you in front of a computer and after ten years of this you see a photo of yourself and it shocks you into the realization that you're really overweight. Seriously overweight. But, how did this happen? Why didn't you notice? Because those around you determine your norms and they were all gaining weight at the same rate as you were. You don't have to follow the norms around you, but if you aren't actively working against the ones you aren't interested in, the odds are in favor of the norms. Another way those around us affect us without even speaking is to fail to call us out on poor choices and behaviors. We tend, often out of politeness, to sanction poor behavior of others. I read a story recently of an anesthesiologist who had undiagnosed Alzheimer's and it wasn't until a patient's life was endangered that co-workers admitted having seen the signs of Alzheimer's in his work for a long time. But, no one wanted to bring it up. This wasn't a bad behavior on his part, but silence can be unhealthy in many situations. People can sabotage your change-making situationally too. What if your circle of friends participates in a habit that you'd like to change, but that's what your social interaction is based around? Maybe it's drinking. Maybe it's shopping. Maybe it's complaining or gossiping. You might really like the people and want to spend time with them…but time with them inevitably involves over-drinking or over-spending or over-speaking. In this case, it may not be the people themselves that are the problem, but the behaviors they lead to. I remember vividly sitting in a small group in the early ‘90's talking about habits that led us to choices we didn't want to make. I remember realizing that if I wanted to get my spending under control, that one of the fastest and easiest ways to do that would be to stop looking at mail order catalogs. If I didn't know something existed, I wouldn't “need” it. How could I feel like I needed it if I didn't even know about it existed! Shopping is a recreational activity for many women. If there's a group of women who get together to shop, I need to think seriously about not being a part of that group. It's way to easy to either feel pressured to buy things I shouldn't or to unintentionally spend more than I want to. Similarly, if you're part of a crowd that builds social interactions around a behavior you want to change, you're going to need to take a hard look at changing your social circle. And lastly, what if you have someone in your life who actively holds you accountable to a bad habit? I have had friends who felt like my refusal to do something…shop recreationally, make copies of music, writing or art against copyright laws, or do drugs was an attack or a judgment about them. So, they'd go out of their way to put me in situations where I'd feel pressured to act in a way I didn't want to. Who are the people in your world who will be working against any changes you want to make? Maybe overtly and maybe in subtle ways. Ask yourself who'll speak up or criticize if you start acting differently? Who are you afraid of disappointing or receiving criticism from? Who might get angry if you start making changes? These are the people you do not need in your toolbox. You don't even need them in your workshop if we're sticking with the toolbox analogy. Once you identify them, then what? Do you need to get rid of all of them? What if you can't? What if they're relatives, co-workers or close friends? Here are some ideas. First, try elimination. Maybe the people you identify as unhealthy for you can be eliminated from your toolbox. If so, do it. For the relationships you can control, you choose whether to spend time with them or not. Be your own gatekeeper and if a relationship is unhealthy and you can remove it, then do. It may not be easy, it may not be comfortable, but healthy isn't always easy. If you can't eliminate the relationship, can you put as much distance between you and that person as possible? If they're a co-worker, how can you change your routines, habits, or meetings to avoid that person as much as possible? What if you have a relationship you don't want to lose or can't eliminate, but it's unhealthy? Try turning that person away from the dark side. Have a frank discussion with them about the effect their behavior is having on you (don't assume or label their intent, just talk about what the effects are for you) and explain that you'd like the relationship to be healthy and discuss what that would mean. I'll admit, this won't always work. When it does, you've gained an ally in your toolbox. A strong one. And when it doesn't, at least you've tried. There's a lot of emotional immaturity floating around us and the more we can act like adults ourselves, model it for others and expect it in our relationships, the healthier we'll all be. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

My ex-husband is in the hospital this week. My son spent last week with him in Orlando and today, we're expecting results of tests that may indicate liver damage or failure. The thing is, this was generally preventable. It's the result of the progression of uncontrolled diabetes which itself was brought on by lifestyle choices. Friends, our choices are important. They affect us and those around us. Certainly, change is hard. Usually, most of our circumstances and habits are stacked against us. But, while it may not feel like a crisis, the changes that we often want to make for our health and well-being, our spirituality or our relationships…these things are crucially important for our lives and the lives of those around us. In the last mini-series, we identified the five commandments that we want to live by and where we're falling short. In this mini-series, I'm covering the tools that you need in your toolbox to make those changes successfully. The first was a gear-n-gadget post last week. Mostly, that's fun helpful stuff, rather than essential. The next few weeks are the essentials. What you must have in your toolbox to make lasting change. And the best part? You don't need to spend any money. These things are completely free! The first essential for your toolbox is people. You need the right people around you. People can have either a positive or negative effect on your attempts to make a change. They may intentionally be helpful or unhelpful. Or, they may be affecting your effort un-intentionally. This week, let's talk about the positive side. What people do you need in your toolbox? There are several roles that people fill that make it much easier to make changes in your life. You need mentors, cheerleaders, and partners. Mentors A mentor may be someone you know personally or someone you don't. I know some of you who listen to my voice each week, but the vast majority of you I don't know. But, if you're listening, learning and putting into practice the things I talk about…I'm functioning as a mentor for you. You may have someone in your life who plays that role casually, occasionally, or unofficially. Someone you look up to and seek out for advice. Or, you may have asked someone specifically to be a mentor to you and you have a relationship built specifically around this purpose. You meet or talk on a consistent basis about the topics or behaviors you're interested in growing in. You may be mentored by books you read or people you follow online. A mentor is essentially an experienced or trusted adviser. Cheerleaders A cheerleader is an encourager. Someone who is pushing you toward doing the right thing, celebrating when you do it, and encouraging you to try again when you fall short. It's someone who not only believes in you but is vocal about that belief. When you leave the presence of these people, you feel refreshed, refocused and able to do things you didn't think possible. They don't need pom-poms and a back handspring. But, they do need a consistent willingness to be “for you” and to tell you about it. Partners A partner is someone who will come alongside you and share the journey with you. Maybe they're working on the very same change you're working on. Maybe it's something different. But, they're willing to share the journey with you. The everyday nitty-gritty of it. The failures, the triumphs and most importantly, the day in and day out work of the journey. The mud-on-your-shoes kind of work of it. The Three Roles If you think about your change-making as a journey, a mentor is someone you stop and check in with on a regular basis. Like putting fuel in your gas tank, checking a GPS for course corrections or looking something up in a travel book. It's knowledge, strategies, and wisdom. A cheerleader is someone who pops up around every corner saying, you've got this! You can do it! I believe in you! Try again! Like the fans with signs along the side of the road at the Tour de France. Only, not the weird, freaky, war-painted half-naked fans that chase the bikers. The more normal ones. With signs. And a partner is the one walking, biking or driving right next to you every step of the way. Every pedal turn. For every mile of the journey. They share the ups and downs and road dust with you. They experience it alongside you. These roles don't have to be different people, they can overlap or be present in the same person. You can have a friend who functions as both a partner and a cheerleader. But, don't discount how valuable each of these different roles is. Each of them will be necessary to you at different times. Can you make lasting change without having these roles in your toolbox? Sure. Probably. But, it's going to be a whole lot harder. Like painting a Michelangelo masterpiece with your feet. I'm sure there are people who can do it, but why work that hard if you don't have to? There are a lot of things in life that conspire against you making changes. We'll talk about them in the upcoming series. You want to do everything possible to stack the deck in your favor. And these relationships will help you do that. Begin to look around you for the people who do or could play these roles in your life. Who would make a great cheerleader? Who already encourages you? Who do you look to as a trusted adviser? Who could you learn from? Who might you know that would be interested in making lasting change, either the same type as you or other changes? The changes you want to make might not keep you from kidney failure in 10 years. But, then again they might. Maybe they are that critical for you. Maybe they'll save a marriage or improve a relationship with your kids. Maybe they'll allow you to succeed in your career. Whatever change you're interested in making, it is possible. But, it's going to be a lot easier with the right people around you. Choose Your Friends I want to mention one other thing about the people in your circle of influence. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. After combing through 30 years of data from 12,000 residents of Framingham, Massachusetts, Nicholas Christakis, a Harvard sociologist determined that having obese friends increases your chance of obesity by 57%. 57%! Who you have around you matters! This has a few applications for our discussion of change making. As a child, your friends were chosen for you in large part by proximity…who lived in your neighborhood, was in your class at school or was the child of family friends. You had very little influence on who you spent time with. Today, you can choose your friends that way too. Who you work with or parents of your kids' soccer team can become your social circle. But, as an adult, you have the opportunity to do something different. You can pursue friendships with whomever you choose. You can intentionally choose your friends. Thinking about that Framingham study, if you want to be a physically healthy, spiritually mature, fit, person who drives a vintage truck…who do you think you should hang around? What if you intentionally chose your friends? What if you fill your social circle with mentors, cheerleaders, and partners? Where might you be in five years? Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

I love gadgets and tools. I love my leaf blower and my cordless drill. I took my Instant Pot to the beach a few weeks ago. I'm eternally grateful for my refrigerator, washer and dryer, my laptop, Kindle, iPad, and camp stove. I love my kitchen gadgets too: my microplane, tea bag buddy, and rice cooker. I'm sure we all have favorite tools and gadgets. For the last few weeks, we've been talking about what's important to you and what changes you'd like to make in your life. As I've been working through that series, I promised you a practical episode about the tools I use in pursuit of a better me. We're actually going to spend a few weeks here. Your toolbox is really important. There are some key items you need to have available to be successful in making changes. This particular episode is actually the least important of the next three, but fun for gadget and tool loving people like me. As we talk about these tools, something else you should know about me is that I love well-designed things. I'm also very tactile, so how something looks and feels matters a lot to me. I want to curate an environment filled only with things that I really love to use or to look at. Are all the things I'm going to talk about necessary? Nope. Are they the best options? Maybe. Maybe not. These are the things that I'm using right now. Your mileage may vary. Let's talk about planners. A million years ago, when I got my first real job and needed to be able to keep track of tasks and appointments, I began using the Franklin Covey planners and materials. I used them for years. They're effective and useful. I don't use them right now because they don't fit my lifestyle. They don't work as well for what I need. I've used an awful lot of different planners and systems since then. I mention that to explain that all of them are more effective than nothing and all are perfectly suited to someone. So, if my tools don't appeal to you, just try something else until you find something that works perfectly for you. Standard calendar-based planners don't work well for me anymore because my life is really variable. Sometimes I need a daily calendar system and sometimes I don't. So, all planners that are based on a calendar only get partially used and because I don't need it all the time, I don't carry it with me and so even when I would need it, I don't have it along. Usually, around February or March, it becomes buried on my desk, never to be used again. If you need a calendar-based system, there are many to choose from. Here's what I do instead. I use a combination of a Google calendar, a journal, and a goal-planning system. I use Google calendar for appointments and long-term plans, like vacations. I check it every day and have it available on my phone. It's with me all the time when I need it. I got intrigued by bullet journaling a few years ago. I did a ton of reading, understood their philosophy, saw beautiful examples and decided to try it. Very quickly I realized there were things about it that made sense for me, but most of it did not. I do use my journal for to-do lists, brain dumps, tracking things, and daily calendars when I need one. But, I also collect notes, thoughts, lists (like books, I've read or art projects ideas). I use it to think through life questions. To brainstorm plans and to keep track of things I want to remember. I use it to get ideas out of my head so that I can move past them. In these activities, it more resembles a commonplace book than a planner. Commonplace books are typically collections of thoughts, ideas, recipes or things to be remembered that you might gather as you go through life. I do create daily calendar entries when I get especially busy and need to plan how to get everything done. My journal of choice is a Leuchtturm1917. They have hard covers and come in a variety of sizes, colors and page styles. I use a medium size with a dotted page. I like them because I can choose a different color for each year - I tend to go through at least two per year. Last year was lime green, this year is emerald, which really is more like a seafoam green and reminds me of the ocean. I like the dotted pages because it gives me some guidelines without being as rigid as a graph or lined page. But, the best part about them is that they have numbered pages and several blank tables of contents pages in the front. As I use pages, I can choose to enter them in the front with the page number or not. I don't need to know where my daily calendar-type pages are, because once past, I shouldn't need to reference them again so I don't note those in the front. But, lists, plans or ideas pages…those I can enter on the contents pages and they're much easier to find in the future when I need to reference them. I'm also partial to colored pens. I'm an artist and love art supplies. When art and office supplies intersect, I'm even more of a sucker. So. I have a pen holder with a jillion colors of pens. My favorites for daily use are Pentel EnerGels in a variety of colors. If you do any research at all on bullet journaling, you'll find beautiful, elaborate, lovely journals with colors, stickers, washi tape and gorgeous design. While mine has lots of ink color, it is not like that at all. Those journals are impressive. I love looking at them. But, my journals tend to be raw, messy, and not designed. You have permission to use your journal however you want. Other than one particular kind of entry, I use color completely randomly. I'm messy. My journal is a tool to keep my head and life organized so that I can do my art - live my life - out in the world. Many people's journals are their art, and that's a wonderful thing. But, they don't have to be like that. Mine is definitely not. Before I leave the topic of my journal, there are two things that I used to do in my journal that I'm separating out this year. I'm adding two other journals to my toolbox. One will be a book journal and one a sketchnote book. I read a lot and I read fast. Two years ago, I decided to read 100 books a year. I didn't do it. Because I realized during that time that that's a really bad goal for me. I was reading just to meet the goal. I wasn't absorbing the information from the books the way I should. So, I'm planning this year to have a dedicated place…my book journal…to slow my reading down. I'm going to record the books I read and either take written or visual notes as I read or at a minimum write a synopsis and my thoughts about each book when I'm done. Instead of a particular quantity of books, my goal will be 30 minutes of reading a day with the note-taking helping me to absorb and apply the information. This journal will stay at home. The other thing I want to separate out is a note-taking journal that will stay in my bag. I've started taking visual notes of speakers at workshops, sermons, and meetings and I want a different type of paper for that, so will be putting that into a separate journal with art paper. That's the practical everyday side of my tools. But, there's a planning side too. I've tried a lot of different planning systems over the years, but my favorite right now is Lara Casey's Powersheets. You can find out all about them and her philosophy at cultivatewhatmatters.com. The 2018 Powersheets are sold out (I know, I should have done this episode a month ago, right?), but you can always get the non-dated six-month version, it will work just as well. The powersheets mimic much of the planning approach that I have found to be effective in the past. They're about cultivating the life you want. Lara has also written a few books, the most current is Cultivate: A Grace-Filled Guide to Growing an Intentional Life. The Powersheets are a really thorough, powerful planning system based on cultivating the kind of life you really want. It's a planning system only, there's no calendar in it. However, there are activity sheets for each month that help you figure out what you need to be doing each month. I highly recommend it. By the way, I don't get anything from talking about these products, they're just what I'm using right now. One of the monthly activity sheets that I've found especially helpful in the Powersheets collection is the Tending List. It's essentially a goal tracking list of daily, weekly and monthly goals for each month. I mention it because a daily habit tracker is something that I have always drawn into my journal each month. The things I track often change month to month, but I got tired of drawing the chart…it gets messy and always looks the same anyway. I don't always have the powersheets with me and I usually track more things than the powersheets have space for. So, doing it there is kind of a pain. Instead of redrawing it every month this year, I decided to create a tracking chart document that I can print and tape into my journal. Then I don't have to repetitively draw it and it looks neater. So, that's what I'm doing this year and you can download a copy of it below if you like. It's simple and functional and not cutesy or fancy…but, if you decide to track some habits in the new year, it might be helpful for you. You can print them off, cut them out and tape them in a journal or leave them as is and put them in a three-ring binder. [check the website shownotes for the download] There are a few miscellaneous items I want to mention also. I add a pen loop to my journal and usually have one pen hooked to the outside of it (my pens don't fit inside the loop well). Most of the pens I carry in a RusticTown pencil case. It's a brown, vintage leather zippered roll and one of my most favorite things ever. The leather feels wonderful, it looks like a well-traveled vintage piece and I have about 12 colored pens and sketch pens in there right now. Another random item I use is a chalk marker. I have a set of MooMoo Creative chalk markers and use them to write notes to myself on my bathroom mirror. In November, we write things we're grateful for. Right now, my 5 commandments are on the mirror. It's a good way to remind yourself of attitudes you want to have, quotes or verses you want to memorize or things you want to do or aspire to. I'll probably be mentioning these tools in the upcoming series on making lasting change and I wanted to give you an overview of them. You don't need any of these to make changes in your life, but Leuchtturm journals, Pentel EnerGel pens, and Cultivate What Matters Powersheets are some of the tools I have in my toolbox. Tools I use to organize my head and my life. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

Christmastime is warm. Gathering in. Holding close. It's reds and burgundies and golds. It's pine trees, crackling fires, and hot chocolate. It's snuggles in front of candles and twinkling lights. It's sharing and laughter with friends and family. It's get-togethers and cookies. It's how can we show you we love you. It's giving. It's joyful and it's silent night, holy night. It's a baby like no other child born on this earth. For a believer, it's an unthinkable grace. A gift beyond hope. We experience the holiday season in hibernating warmth against the winter cold. In this gathering in and folding our lives around each other and around our traditions. In layer upon layer of wrapped memories. Some beautiful and some painful. All of which we unwrap each year as we add another layer. It's that child, that infant laid before an unbelieving nation. Celebrated by peasants, angels and the wise. It's that child that interrupts our productions because today Christmas is a production. It's a month of going, doing, running, creating, buying, wrapping, baking, decorating. It's a month of trying so hard, in celebration of the child who ultimately makes the trying unnecessary. If Christmastime is about gathering in, warm, rich colors, flavors, and feelings, my New Years is the opposite. I typically leave for a week at the beach with a friend. It's a ritual we've been practicing for almost 10 years now. We leave behind the trying and we rest. We drink in the expanse and simplicity of the ocean. We let the sea air blow through all corners of our souls. We recover and we prepare. We look both backward and forward. We hold the past year and the coming one in this tension of a between week. This odd week between the old and new. I planned to give you a practical episode today. But, I feel poetic. The sea does that to me. This gulf that I love, the color that astonishes me all over again every time I see it. It's simplicity, it's clean lines and open space. It's always different, yet unchanging nature. It's power, it's mystery and it's music. We open the door as soon as we arrive and we never close it. We listen to the waves, no matter what the temperature. It's almost never warm here in this in-between week. It often rains. I haven't seen the sun yet this trip, and I don't care. While I cherish warm family trips full of sunshine, sunscreen, and laughter, I crave this season's long solitary walks on windswept shores. I need the transition space of this week. I hunger for the moments to face truths in deep conversations, in prayer, and in my journal. This is the place my new year springs from. This is my ritual. It includes things I love like books, fingers wrapped around a warm cup of tea, delicious meals, and the sound of the ocean. It includes a relationship I cherish and a place I cannot say no to. It gives me time and space to center my heart for the new year. It's my pause. My respite. My moment outside of normal. We need a pause. We need perspective, stillness and rest. A time and place to stop running through your life and away from yourself. A time to look with a stilled heart, thoughtful mind and clear eyes. Yes, by all means, play, yes rest also. But take time to consider. Consider your life, your place in the world. If you haven't done the exercises from the past few weeks, here's your chance to catch up. Create your 5 commandments. Find your gaps. Practice a pause. How can you pause? It can be smaller than mine. It might be an hour to yourself. An evening. A special time, place or person. It might be a change of scenery or it might be a few moments stolen from an everyday place. How much time do you need? More than you think you need, probably. But, start with what you can carve out. It takes days for me to still myself at this time of year. This is my second morning and I'm still fighting to let go. I'm still wound too tightly. Some years it takes more time than others. I expected this to be an easier year, but it's not. My personal rhythms are off. But, I'll get there. How do you prepare your heart for the coming year? What is your ritual? How can you pause? I'll be back next week with the practical episode I promised and probably an episode about my love/hate relationship with a word of the year. Then, we'll jump into the nitty gritty of successful change-making. Love you all for joining me on this journey and I wish you a new year filled with love. Shalom. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

This will go live on Christmas Eve, so if you're finding this at release, I hope your Christmas is beautiful, meaningful and full of joy. And I hope your new year brings all the things you truly want! That's what we've been talking about for the last few weeks…the things you truly want. Two weeks ago we talked about creating a list of five commandments to live by. These are the things you want your life to be centered around. They're a decision framework for what really matters to you. Last week we talked about what drives our actions, is it urgency or importance? I mentioned that I wondered where my time really goes and I committed to tracking it for a few months. I want to see if I'm spending it on the things I say I want to be spending it on. And I promised a week of results today. Well, I did it. And here's a few things I learned. I learned that this is a stupid season to track time. Nothing's normal. My work is really slow the last few weeks in December, so I don't get a realistic picture of how many hours I'm working. And with the holidays, there are a million extra things that don't happen any other time of the year. School events, extra-curricular things, parties, family activities, shopping…all this adds up to very skewed time tracking. But, it was still valuable. I learned how much time I spend on this podcast, which is really helpful for planning purposes. I learned how much time I'm spending writing for my other projects. I learned how much time I spend driving…which is a ridiculous amount considering I work from home. I learned that the way I've divided up my activities to track was only partially helpful. I realized I have a category like a kitchen junk drawer. You have one of those, right? That place where everything that you have no idea what it is or when you'll need it or where it goes…gets put. Everything from paper clips to plastic pieces that look like they're important but probably came from a vacuum cleaner that died ten years ago. I have an activity category like that called household. So much junk got put in that category that it became not very useful. I was also reminded how the act of tracking something makes you so much more intentional about it. Tracking the food you eat makes you much more mindful of what you put in your mouth. It's a built-in self-accountability. Accountability-lite if you will. There's something about knowing you have to write it down or enter it into an app that makes you stop and think about it. Tracking time makes you realize when you're drifting from what you need to be doing. Just because of tracking, I made more intentional choices. I realized how much brain drift I'm subject to. Cal Newport in the book, Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World, talks about the idea that if you spend enough time in a state of frenetic shallowness, you permanently reduce your capacity to perform deep work. Permanently! Frenetic shallowness is a perfect description of last week's box 3 - the urgent but unimportant box on our matrix. Living life in response to your inbox, social media addiction, or technology addiction, in general, is a sobering example of frenetic shallowness. I've noticed in the last few years that the hit of dopamine I feel when I receive a notification on my phone has created habits that have reduced my attention span and ability to focus. So, for about six months, I've been working to eliminate distractions and stop multi-tasking. It's improving. Tracking time this week has helped me realize that I'm doing better than six months ago, but I still have work to do. Those are some lessons I learned from tracking my time. Now what? What do I do with that information? Here's our basic outline so far. Develop your why. This is what your life is about. This is the 5 commandments we created. Where are you? This is what we've talked about last week and so far this week. Find the Gaps. Compare where you are to your commandments. Ask yourself these questions Are you actually spending your time where your commandments say you want to spend it? In other words, are you investing in what you say will make your life worthwhile? What we're interested in are the gaps. If there's no gap…if you're doing exactly what you should be doing to create the life you want, then awesome! Amazing! Why are you not doing a podcast I can listen to?! Come back in February when we'll be on another subject unless you just like to listen to my voice. In that case, it's fine. Really, though, that's wonderful if you are. If, however, you're like most people, there are likely to be some gaps. My five commandments are: love God, prioritize people, spend intentionally, choose health, practice gratefulness. I found when I thought about it that last year at this time I was struggling spiritually but strong physically. I was doing a great job of choosing health and a poor job of loving God. The last six months, I've totally fallen off the wagon health-wise. My training group split up, I'm making bad food choices, I don't have consistent sleep habits and I've gained a significant amount of weight. However, I'm in a much better place spiritually than I was a year ago. I will say some commands are more important than others. If I have to choose between love God and choose health, I'm making the right choice right now. But generally, I don't have to choose between them. I have two gaps. I'm not choosing health and I'm not spending intentionally. Choose health is on my commandment list because it makes all the other things possible. I feel wretched when I'm not eating right, exercising and sleeping well. It impacts my ability to do what I want to do with my life. And I also don't want to buy a new wardrobe, so I need to get the health thing under control. For me, right now, this is the biggest gap I found. Spend intentionally means to me that I'm stewarding my resources well. I'm putting my time, talents and money into the things that matter - into the other commandments, into loving God, prioritizing people and choosing health. Tracking my time was also about being able to get my arms around how I'm doing stewarding my time with the intent to figure out if I could do all the things that I want to do next year or if I need to eliminate some of them. Am I overcommitted? Or, just undisciplined? I'm not getting any rest right now…emotional and mental breaks. How can I work that in? Plus, I've gotten away from my financial budget in the last few years and I need to fix that, too. Looking forward to next year, these are the two gaps between what I say is important to me - my 5 commandments and what I'm actually doing. These are the places I'm going to be working to make change happen. Choose health and spend intentionally. When you take an honest look at your five commandments and at your actions, your current lifestyle, where are the gaps? What changes do you need to make, in a broad sense? I'm not asking you to write SMART goals right now, I'm asking you to decide in a general sense, where are you not living like you really want to? Not, where are you not living up to someone else's expectations…where are you not living up to what YOU know to be important to make your life worthwhile? Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

Last week we thought about our Five Life Commandments--a decision framework for making choices. Let's talk today about why we need a decision framework and add a little bit of context. Why do you do what you do every day? We do things because we've put them on our schedule…we take our kids to school or to piano lessons. We do things because other people ask us to. We do things because we have a deadline. We need to pay the cell phone bill because there's a due date. Sometimes our motivations for actions aren't what they seem. We eat because we're hungry, right? Maybe. But, we also eat because it's a habit, we're stressed, we're bored or we're being social. What I haven't mentioned yet…doing things because they're important…is often eclipsed by all the other reasons I've listed. Urgency. Schedule. Habit. Demands of others. These aren't necessarily wrong reasons to do things. But, they tend to get out of our control. They're never-ending. They're not necessarily going to get us what we want. And, by doing too many of them, they'll certainly keep us from getting what we want. Essentially, I'm talking about the difference between urgent and important. Many years ago, Steven Covey popularized a matrix based on Dwight D. Eisenhower's Decision Principle. It involves sorting tasks into four boxes. Box One The first box is things that are both important and urgent. These are meaningful things that have a deadline. They may be things like paying your car insurance which is important because of the deadline or things that are important because they need to be dealt with immediately, like a car that won't start. Box Two The second box is things that are important but not urgent. This would be things that you put on your 5 commandments last week, but don't have a deadline. Things that will make your life well lived. Things that will help you reach your business or personal goals. Things that are less urgent, so they often get pushed aside. Box Three Box three is things that are urgent, but not important. These might be tasks that other people request of you, but don't move you toward a goal. They might be emails or phone calls. These are things that make you feel like you're accomplishing things because you can check them off your list, but they don't actually add to your life in a meaningful way. We get easily lost in this swamp. Box Four Box four is filled with the unimportant and not urgent. Many of our leisure activities live in this box. Time-wasters like social media and Netflix. Video games. Shopping sprees. The usefulness of this matrix come in knowing where a particular task falls and where you want to be spending your time. Using the Matrix Here's how to handle the tasks in each box: Box 1 (important and urgent): This is the DO box. Get these things done. Box 2 (important, but not urgent): This is the SCHEDULE box. Schedule time to focus on these in your life. Intentionally create the time to do them. They won't happen by accident. Box 3 (not important but urgent): This is the AVOID box. Delegate, ignore, or limit these tasks. They're typically not as important as they feel like they are. Box 4 (not important, not urgent): This is the CONTROL box. Use these things to reduce stress, relax, to give yourself a mental break, but use them intentionally and don't let them use you. We spend far too much of our time here usually. This matrix can be used to sort tasks so you can decide how to handle any given situation and to be aware of where you're spending your time. We'll talk more about time next week, but for now, know that ideally, you want to be spending your time in Box 2, on important things. This is not a new idea. It's been popular in productivity circles for a long time. Bailey Cooper writes, “We are, as author Douglas Rushkoff claims, experiencing "present shock" – a condition in which “we live in a continuous, always-on ‘now'” and lose our sense of long-term narrative and direction. In such a state, it is easy to lose sight of the distinction between the truly important and the merely urgent. The consequences of this priority-blindness are both personal and societal. In our own lives, we suffer from burnout and stagnation, and on a broader level our culture is unable to solve the truly important problems of our time.” I spoke about a year ago about my best friend living with stage four cancer. The reality of our mortality means something different to her than it does to people not struggling with a terminal illness. Something totally different. Cancer draws a swift division between things that are truly important and things that don't matter. I know one of the issues I need to deal with in the coming months is that my schedule is too full and I need to take a hard look at all that I'm doing. In the process of thinking that through, I need to start evaluating which box I'm living in. I want to spend my life on things that matter. I want to live in box 2. Meaning should be the motivating factor for our decisions. We established what's meaningful last week. These are the things that belong in our 2nd box. This is what we want to be spending our time doing. Because they're not urgent, though, it's so very easy to put off doing them. And then because, in the words of Annie Lamott, “the way we spend our days is the way we spend our lives.” If we're living out of the urgent but unimportant box, our life becomes urgent but unimportant. We run and run, but accomplish nothing of value. Lao Tzu says, “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don't have time,' is like saying, ‘I don't want to.'” I got curious where my time was really going this week. Have you heard the saying that the way to figure out what your priorities are is to look at your bank account and your schedule? To take a look at where you're spending your time and your money? I suspect I waste far more time on social media than I'd like to believe. And I wonder how my actual time spent stacks up against my perception of how I'm spending it. Well, I'm going to find out. I downloaded a time tracking app and I'm tracking my time. Just like you can track food, you can track where your time goes. I plan to do it for a month or two, but I'll let you know next week how it looks with a week's worth of data. Last week we figured out what was important to us. This week I want you to take a look at the things you're doing. Are they the things you've listed in your commandments? Are they the important, but not urgent things? Make a list of your activities. How many of them align with your commandments? With what you say is important to you? This is a reality check exercise. Understanding and naming what's important to us is great, but how does it stack up against how you're living now? Where we find our gaps between what we say is important and what we're doing will give us areas we need to focus on changing in the coming months. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here

There are two big topics in the media in December. The holiday season and the New Year. Let's start the new year talk a little early. I usually see a handful of approaches to the new year. The Cynical Approach The nothing ever changes approach. This person might want something different for their life but believes that nothing ever changes, so they've resigned themselves to a repeat of this year, every year. They won't even bother considering a change. They also might be perfectly happy where they are or too afraid of failure to bother. This group ignores and often scoffs at those thinking about making changes at year end. These are the backseat drivers and the sideline coaches of the world. The Complainer Approach These people would really like something to change in their lives, but they aren't willing to actually do anything more than talk about it. Or, about what's not working for them at the moment. Because talking is easier than doing. The Crowd Approach This person will join the crowd in talking about change and making some resolutions, or whatever the popular process is in any given year. Lately, it's been choosing a word of the year. These are bandwagon fans, because, when attention turns elsewhere or things become difficult in a few weeks, they'll turn their attention to whatever the crowd is talking about at the moment. In a month, that may be the Super Bowl or the amount of snow on the ground, but it probably won't be the resolution, goal or word they chose that first week of the year. I have nothing against words of the year, by the way. You can check out how my word ambushed me last year in episode 14 and 15. But, realize that choosing a word in January only makes a difference in your life if it's followed by sustained action. The Change-maker Approach This is the high achiever. The person serious about making real change happen. They may be naturally an achiever, or they may have just decided to get serious about one particular portion of their life and that "Let's get serious" decision moved them from the crowd to change-maker. Where do you fall into those categories? Are you interested in change? Are you willing to work to make 2018 better in some way? There are plenty of products available to help you move from the crowd to the change-maker category. Most of them are designed to give us tools and guidance in pursuit of success. If this is you...if you're interested in becoming a change-maker in pursuit of success, I'd recommend checking out either Darren Hardy's or Michael Hyatt's products. No affiliate interest here, I've just used some of each of their methods and they're solid and able to give you good guidance. But. What if you're not really overly concerned about pursuing success? At least the way the world defines it? What if you want to make some personal, internal changes? What if you'd like to lose 20 pounds, but, there are underlying changes that need to be made first? What if you don't need more goals, you need real change? What if you're looking for more meaning, not more success? What if you want your changes to last longer than the January white sales? If that's you, then join me for a new kind of process this year. I'm a natural goal planner and a high achiever. The success systems make sense to me and I've used some version or a homemade mish-mash of them for years. There is nothing wrong with them. If you work the plan, they work. You can accomplish your goals. But, in the last few years, I've changed my approach and you may find it of value if the success-oriented plans aren't appealing to you. Meaning and fulfillment are more important to me than success. I'm more interested in a process than performance. I want a mind and life shift more than I want achievement. I want a lifestyle oriented towards transformation. Is that easy? no. Is it neat and well packaged? No. Is it one-size-fits-all? No. It's work, it's often messy and uncomfortable. It's not a package of easy answers that work for everyone. And you won't always know where you'll find yourself in the end. But, it's a process that has led me into a life journey of discovery and meaning. If that's appealing to you, let's walk through it together and I'll let you come alongside me throughout this year. We'll work through some personal exercises over the next few weeks, then hit how to create lasting change in the month of January. Throughout the year, we'll follow up and check in on the process. Five Commandments Ready? Let's get started with the first exercise. I want you to develop five commandments to guide your life. Just five. There's no magic about the number five, it just forces you to have a small, memorable list. Most of you can conveniently count them on one hand. It also forces you to be general rather than specific because we're looking for big picture guiding principles here. I'm going to walk you through my five and my reasoning for each one. You may decide you want to adopt my five. Great. You're ahead of the game. But, I only want you to do that if you can absolutely get behind these five. These are my values. Yours might be completely different. Your list does not have to look like mine. But, it should look like five things that if you follow these commandments, you will feel like your life will feel well spent. My Five Love God. This is first on my list because it's the central purpose of my life and everything else springs from it. If you do not have a faith as a driving purpose, your list will look very different from mine and that's fine. Prioritize people. From my perspective, people are what really matter in life. I believe that we are eternal beings, so long after my home, my art, my writing, my earnings....long after these things are gone, people remain. What I can do to serve people will last. Plus, because of my faith perspective, my biblical mandate is to Love God and love people. So, those things are central to my list. Spend intentionally. Because my resources are limited, I want them to be used in a way that makes the most of them. This means that I'm going to plan, budget and invest both my time, energy, and money intentionally. I'm going to put them into things that matter. Choose health. In order to do the three things I've mentioned already, I need to make decisions that promote good health. I don't make these decisions to look better to someone else, I make them so that I can better do the things that matter to me. Choosing health for me trickles down to sleep, eating and exercise habits. It's meditation. It's maintaining healthy relationships. But, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. I'm mentioning specifics here because these are often things people think of when they look at making changes at the beginning of the year. And I'm a big proponent of good health. But, I want you to think about what you're really after. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to exercise? Why do you want to eat better? Why do you want to feel better? Why does it matter? Keep asking yourself why until you get to a root cause. If that root cause is important enough for your life to be well lived, include it. For me, I want to choose health in order to make the other things possible. When I'm not healthy, my ability to love God and love people diminishes. Practice gratitude. Frankly, I'm not sure this should be my fifth item. But, I'm including it for a few reasons. I'm telling you I'm unsure because this list isn't carved in stone. It's not the ten biblical commandments carved on tablets in Moses' hands. It's five guiding commandments that you can use in decision making. And, it may take some time for you to get the list just right. So, start somewhere. As "choose health" was the physical basis empowering my other life choices, this is the emotional, mental and spiritual fuel for making them possible. These five things speak into my life purpose, my foundation, and stewardship of my resources. They can help guide my decisions. They're like building codes, keeping my activity in line with my values and priorities. Your Five Now it's your turn! Start writing down things that you might include on your list. Ask yourself these questions: What's most important in my life? If I was to have a fulfilling life, what would it include? What would make those things possible? If you find that you have related items on your list, try to group them under a larger category the way I did with "choose health" or the way my family, friends, colleagues and even strangers fall into my “Prioritize people” command. Take your list and try to turn them into short imperative statements. Commands. Ones that will be easy to remember and will move you into action. Set aside your list for a few hours or a few days. After some time has passed, look at it again. Does it resonate? Does it need changes? Keep working at it until you're reasonably satisfied. "Reasonably" satisfied means that it's usable. It may not be perfect, but it's usable and you can continue refining as you go along. Remember, this is a process, not a performance. Take your five commands and put them somewhere you'll see them. A computer or phone lock screen. A bathroom mirror. A journal cover. Wherever you'll be reminded of them until they become so familiar that they come to mind easily. So, what are your five commandments? I'd love to see them! Maybe you'll think of something I've missed! Snap a photo and share them on social media with the hashtag #my5commandments. I'll start. Check for mine on Instagram @michelle.berkey   Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

A year ago this week, I posted an episode that was full of thoughts on a milestone birthday. I turned 50 last year. I was coming off a month of Whole 30, I'd been working out consistently for 9 months and was in great shape. I looked forward to 2017 with anticipation. It's convenient that my birthday falls at the end of the year (it wasn't so great for even present distribution throughout the year when I was a kid), it's a double whammy for end-of-the-year review and planning. It's a natural start to a reflective season for me. Last year I was feeling on top of my game and looking back today, I realize that I had this idea that I never quite verbalized. I thought my fiftieth year would be epic or that I'd do something epic. A friend and I had talked about a big trip for years and circumstances changed those plans. But, still, I think I had this underlying assumption that it would be somehow bigger than it was. Staring into the eyes of 51 seems a lot less epic. I lost my workout group in August and can't seem to be consistent on my own. I'm not eating as well as I should. I've had more and deeper bouts of depression recently, we had the devastating, unexpected death of my young nephew a few weeks ago, and I'm very, very tired. I'm feeling decidedly depleted. I ended last year's birthday episode with a thought about the decade ahead... As I look forward to the next decade, I commit to walking through the middle with curiosity, with grit and perseverance. I commit to being courageous. To showing up. To living without a mask. To pouring into my son and into other people. To loving lavishly, unselfishly, generously and with abandon. If I can do that. One day at a time. If I can do that, if I can write my story with the ink of love...no matter what the circumstances of my life in 10 years, my 50's will be a resounding success. When I was doing my yearly planning last December, I wrote this big picture intention: If I had a fulfilling year, I would be a good mom and Cody and I would have a closer relationship, we'd have adventures and grow together. I would develop a sustainable second business that would be my sole income in two years. I would influence others and help transform their lives for the better. I would make art that's meaningful to me and to others. Essentially, I'd set a decade and a 2017 intention at the start of my planning process last year. And, as down as I feel right now, as un-epic as I felt the year was...when I think through what actually happened in 2017 compared to those two intentions...every single thing on those lists except one (the business) I've accomplished. While it felt more average than I expected, I have no regrets about how I've lived this year. I feel somewhat depleted right now, but I have a sinus infection and I'm still reeling from last week's funeral. Of course, I feel depleted! Often in the past, when I've felt depleted, "defeated" and "exhausted" have come right along with it. But, this time, I'm not feeling defeated and exhausted. I'm feeling pretty content about where my energy has gone. I'm feeling fulfilled. I may never accomplish crazy amazing things that I might have dreamed up in my younger days. And my year might not seem epic at first glance, not flashy, but I lived it generally in service of other people. And that's exactly how I want to live. Your birthday might not conveniently force this kind of reflection, but the end of the year can have the same effect. How do you feel about how you've lived 2017? What do you live for? Do you have changes you need to make for 2018? I'm not talking about resolutions, I'm talking about motivations and lifestyle changes. As we start this holiday season, I'd encourage you to ask those same questions about the holidays. Why do you celebrate? What's really important? And, how can you make what's important central to your holiday? How can you make what's important to your life central to your life in 2018?   Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

Welcome to week five of a five-week series on fear. It's the last week! We talked about safety and regret in episode 56 and then the following week, I explained how I used three tools to help me get out of my comfort zone. Then we learned about different types of fear and how to respond to them. Last week, we covered the first part of the process I use to deal with ego fear. Today, we're going to finish talking about a process to deal with what we call ego fear. As a refresher, ego fear is a type of fear that is trying to keep your ego safe from things like shame or embarrassment. Fears of failure, success, or people who are different from you in some way all fall into this category. This kind of fear needs to be addressed and dismantled so that it doesn't drive away with your life. Last week, we did step one and two in the process. We acknowledged the fear, and talked about why that matters, even though it seems lame. And we did a brain dump and named all the reasons we're afraid of something. Remember early on in this series when I mentioned that fear is a reaction to a perceived danger and that danger might be a real threat or not a real threat...but that our bodies react the same regardless? This is the point that we can begin to see the difference between real and not real threats. So, pull out the list that you made last week. We're going to take each fear on that list and process it three different ways. By Facts, Feelings and Fundamental Truths. You're going to look at a statement you've written and respond with facts. Then with feelings. And then, after looking at the facts and feelings, decide what the fundamental truth is that you're dealing with. I'll show you how I did that with one of the fears I have about the job shift that's causing me some anxiety, but first, I should mention that you may have some things written down, that in your head seemed like a big deal, but when written down, seem rather ridiculous. For example, I had written down that I'm afraid that the team I apply with will find out that I'm really a fraud and that I can't do anything well and then everyone will know that I'm not who they think I am. This is imposter syndrome speaking. Also, I have written, "I'm afraid that they'll find out that I can't do everything perfectly and I'll be exposed for being lame, either in the application or interview process or if hired." This is perfectionism speaking. So, did you hear that? I'm afraid that I can't do anything right and I'm afraid that I can't do everything right. Both are real from an emotional standpoint and I do need to deal with both of those problems: imposter syndrome and perfectionism. But, when written in ink on paper. Or, when I say them out loud to you...they sound fairly ridiculous. They are lies. The fact is that I can do some things well. And no one can realistically expect perfection. So, I was able to write those facts next to these statements and move on. I didn't need to dig into feelings and truth. The facts are the truth. These are lies. So, some fears may not require as much processing as others. Fact, Feeling, Fundamental Truth Filter But, what about fears that appear legitimate? Real threats? I have written, "I'm afraid that if I work for someone else full time, I'll be a worse parent to my son." This isn't a value judgment about working outside the home vs. working from home. It's a fear that I don't feel like I'm the best parent I can be right now and with less time and less flexibility, surely I'll be a worse parent. So, let's run this one through the Fact-Feeling-Truth process and see what happens. Fact: I will never be a perfect parent and I might be thinking unreasonably about this. Fact: My son's a middle schooler and I'm looking at missing about 2 hours a day if I was working a normal work day. Those two hours, I'm typically working and making dinner and he's playing with friends, so this isn't time we're spending together now. Fact: I'd have less flexibility for in-school activities. But, the days of class parties and in-school things are mostly in the past. There are going to be far fewer of those things now anyway. Do you see how I'm thinking through this issue with facts rather than the fear? Now, to deal with feelings. Feeling: I'm sad about him getting older and our relationship changing. He needs me less and that makes me sad. Feeling: I'm feeling guilty in that I believe he is my foremost responsibility in life right now and I don't want to shortchange that responsibility. Before I move on to the truth portion, I will add that I asked him about this. I was concerned here how I felt about it, but I wondered how he would feel about it. What would he say the most important part of parenting him is? This is a gifted kid...but he's home with a nasty virus and running a 102-degree fever. It's a good time to ask, right? His answer to the most important thing I do parenting him? "Well, I suppose it's that you take care of me." Beyond being brilliantly insightful. It wasn't exactly what I was looking for. So, I told him what I was thinking about and asked how he felt about it. He concluded with, "Well if you're making that decision responsibly, for money reasons and it provides for us...I have no problem with that. We can deal with any issues that come up." Interesting. But, let's get back to the process and move on to the Fundamental Truth or Truths. Remember, the fear is that I'm not going to be able to be as good a parent. But, after processing those facts and feelings and asking him, I've come to the understanding that my truth about this fear is that the differences in the jobs wouldn't have to affect the quality of my parenting. Here's what we've done so far: Consciously admitted being afraid, Identified the fears. And put them through the Fact-Feeling-Fundamental Truth filter. I took the two fears that I felt were legit on my list and ran them through that process. What Do You Want? The next step is to identify the underlying want beneath the fear. We're typically afraid because there's something we want. What's the Want? In this case, by the time I'd worked through the three-part filter, I'd realized that what I really want, my fundamental desire, is to be a good parent. If I really want to be a good parent, then that gives me something to focus on. The next step is making an action plan to get what I want. What can I do in this situation to be a good parent? Can I block out Saturday afternoon as sacred time with him? Or, dinner on Friday night? Can we have 30 minutes together each night of intentional activities or relationship time? Or, should I figure out his love language and be intentional about using it. There are a thousand different steps I could take to directly address the want...that in turn helps eliminate the fear. Review So, to review, the five-step plan is this; Acknowledge the fear by consciously admitting what you're feeling. "I am afraid." Identify all the perceived dangers. Write down all the fears. Cross off duplicates. Run all the fears through the Fact-Feelings-Fundamental Truth filter. Find the underlying Want which is generating the fears. Create an action plan to get what you want. When I finished this process, I felt crazy better. I'm sure that fear will crop up again and I didn't eliminate all of it. But, I felt peace and the freedom to make a decision based on things other than fear. I made a worksheet with this process outlined that you could print and use whenever you need it.   Putting this series together has given me some tools and perspective that I didn't have before, so I hope it has been helpful to you. If it did help you, I'd love to hear how. Click the voicemail link on this page, or email me. I look forward to hearing from you! Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

Welcome to week four of a five-week series on fear. We talked about safety and regret in episode 56 and then the following week, I explained how I used three tools to help me get out of my comfort zone. Last week, I talked about different types of fear and how to respond to them. Today, we're going to start talking about a process to deal with what we called Ego-fear in the last episode. As a refresher, ego fear is a type of fear that is trying to keep your ego safe from things like shame or embarrassment. Fears of failure, success or people who are different from you in some way all fall in this category. This kind of fear needs to be addressed and dismantled so that it does not control your life. For the past several months, I've felt pulled toward going in a different direction in my work. I own a small business that's been around for about 20 years. It turns out that thinking about going to work for someone else after working for myself for so long brings up a huge number of emotions and fears. Here are a few of them...I didn't really realize it, but part of my identity is built around being an entrepreneur. If I'm no longer an entrepreneur...well, what then? There's a performance fear...what if I can't do anything else well? There's a fear of choosing a route that settles for good when best may be in a different direction. There's a fear that I won't be as good a parent to my son if I'm working full time for someone else instead of at home. There's a fear that I can barely manage my life right now, what would happen if I change things? That's a good long list, right? These are ego fears and those are just the ones I can think of at the moment. I sat down a few weeks ago and clarified them a bit, so they were pretty easy to identify. But, until I went through the process I'm about to share with you, all these things were swirling around in my head and heart, just under the surface, causing anxiety and fear. Not directed energy that's useful, but a generalized anxiety, worry, and dread. I was at a conference in September, where I heard Gillian Ferrabee talk about fear. She talked about fear as it relates to the creative process and I decided to take my fear of a career shift through a framework she briefly outlined. So, what I'm about to talk you through came mostly from her, with a few tweaks of my own. I found it really helpful, maybe you will too. I'm going to give it to you in two parts, half this week and half next week. Ready? Ok, let's dive into this... I mentioned earlier that I've had a lot of thoughts chasing each other around in my head and heart about considering going to work for another organization. One of the problems with this is that all of these thoughts are half submerged in murky darkness. They don't come out and parade in front of me, to be seen clearly in the light. They poke tentacles up and slither away before I can catch sight of them clearly, so that I'm left feeling the results of fear with nothing to anchor it to and no way to deal with it. This process is about how to change that. Step 1: Acknowledge The first step is to acknowledge that you're afraid. We don't like to do this, because we think it's weak, or we think that will make the fear bigger, or we just don't want to deal with it. But, acknowledging that we're feeling fear is the first step to neutralizing it. This isn't just a good idea, there's real science behind it. When we name our emotions, we access a different part of the brain than we were experiencing the emotion in and this process seems to disrupt the intensity of that emotion. So, simply realizing you're feeling fear and saying so is a first step. You can say that out loud. In your head or on paper. I sat down and said it in my head and I pulled out my journal and wrote it down. I feel scared. And then of course, I had to elaborate and went on to say, "I do. I'm stressed. I'm anxious, I'm having a hard time dealing with life. I'm scared." Sitting with that realization for a few moments, for just long enough to write that out cleared a bit of the emotional fog and got me into a place that I could then explore it more objectively. It was like I'd been leaning my back on a door trying to keep it closed while I dealt with other things in life. Scary things were pushing on the door...at least I assumed they were scary, I really wasn't sure what they were. So, this first step is like turning around, looking at it and saying, ok, I'm dealing with a door. I'm just going to deal with the door. Naming something tends to give you a power over it and that's a whole different conversation, but after doing this, I felt more clearheaded. Fear and anxiety function most effectively in the background, so bringing them to light reduces their effect. It seems like I'm belaboring a silly first step, but it's truly more important than you think. Researchers call it "affect labeling" and its effectiveness is similar to that of mindfulness training as a way to establish conscious emotional regulation. So, you've labeled it and called it out. You are scared. Then what? Step 2:  Identify Step two is deceptively easy to say. It's to identify the fears. This may sound simple, but it's not always. Sometimes you might not know exactly what your fear is. And even if you think you know, you might be surprised. Like an onion, when you peel one layer off, you might find several more layers underneath. Usually, when asked for a reason...about anything...usually the real reasons are buried several reasons in. It's the same with fear. What you think you're afraid of may not be the real deal, you might need to dig a little deeper for the underlying cause or causes. So, pull a journal, notebook or 4' x 6' whiteboard, depending on how much room you think you need and just start writing. You're not aiming for organized thoughts. You're not aiming for sentences. You're aiming to just get the emotions and half-hidden thoughts down on paper. You can deal with them later. Start with, "I'm afraid that..." and complete that sentence as many times as you can until you're all out of sentences. You may repeat and rephrase the same things, that's ok. You may get stuck for a bit, that's ok too. But, I encourage you that if you think you're done, just sit with the process for a few moments and see if there's anything else. It's very normal to write down the surface stuff and then assume you're done and it's easy to quit the process before the important things come to the surface. Don't worry that there's too much. Don't worry about it making sense, it doesn't have to. Doing this, I filled two journal pages with "I'm afraid" statements. They ranged from, "I'm afraid I'll be a worse parent than I already am." to "I'm afraid of looking like a fool." I had about nine or ten small paragraphs or long sentences when I was done. This is like brainstorming, you're getting all of it out on paper and will evaluate it next. Putting it into words does a few things. First, like admitting fear, it takes these nameless anxieties and puts labels to them. This both reduces the intensity of the fears another step, allowing us to be more objective by switching the part of the brain we're using and it gives us something more concrete to actually work with. Step 2A: Edit The next step is to read through your list and see if there are restatements of the same fear. Cross out all but one the duplicates. Keep the one you think is most clear and accurate, or rewrite it to cover all your bases...but only combine things that are essentially the same. Keep separate fears separate. So now we've said that we're afraid and we've dumped all the fear out of our heads and onto paper. And we've cleaned up that list a little bit. Our head might feel more clear, but we still have this list of fears to deal with. That's what comes next. Hold onto that paper, add to it this week if you need to. And next week, we'll talk about where to go from here.

We're in the very middle of a five-week series on fear. We've talked about safety and regret in episode 56 and last week I explained how I used three tools to help me get out of my comfort zone. Today, we're going to talk about responding to four different types of fear. As I've been reading and thinking about how fear affects us and what to do about it, I realized that just saying "fear" lumps a whole lot of different reactions into one big category. It's like talking about a stomach ache. Abdominal pain can be caused by something as common and harmless as gas and as life-threatening as appendicitis. Choosing a treatment or a course of action depends on knowing what kind of stomach pain you're having. Because I certainly don't want to be treated for appendicitis if I just ate too many beans for dinner. We immediately understand needing to clarify stomach pain to determine treatment. But, with fear, it's a whole different story. First, because we don't always think we can or should do something about it. We assume that fear is fixed, that we can't change it. We assume we should and can treat and correct a stomach ache, but we often just think we need to live with fear and muscle through it. Plus, the idea of dealing with fear is scary in and of itself. We're already afraid of whatever we're responding to, so intentionally dealing with it is likely to be even scarier. It's more comfortable (short-term) to ignore it or muddle through it as fast as possible and move on with life. But, what if we could talk about fear in a way that made it possible to know how to resolve it? As I was reading, I ran across a framework that I thought was helpful and I wanted to share it with you. This terminology comes from a writer, coach, facilitator, and speaker named Heather Plett. There are other ways to think about categorizing fear, but her way to think about it has practical application for helping us deal with it. She sorts fear into four categories. I'm going to give you each category, describe it, and then tell you how to respond to each of those types of fear. Warning Fears Warning fear is responsible for keeping us safe. We've all experienced this kind of fear. It's the body-flooding fear you get when you step off a curb and suddenly a blaring horn and a rush of wind tell you there was a car coming that you didn't see. Probably because you were looking at your phone. It's the healthy fear that gives you a surge of adrenaline to help you catch yourself when you trip on the stairs. Or, in my case, over cracks in the sidewalk. Warning fear also crops up in much more subtle situations, like those mental and emotional warnings that say that this really isn't a relationship or business partnership that you should get any deeper in and would be better off pulling out now. When we feel warning fear, we should listen to it and take action. Jumping back on the curb out of harm's way is an instinctual and immediate action, but the more subtle warning fears should be acted on as well. Ego Fear This is the kind of fear that says that my ego is in danger. It's trying to keep me from feeling shame, embarrassment, guilt, or any other feeling resulting in a perceived threat to my carefully devised assembly of personal identity, worth or capability. Fear of success and fear of failure both fall into this category. Fear of "other-ness" also lives here. It results in divides across belief, race, culture, class and gender barriers. Immanuel Kant calls our ego our, "precious little self." It's not who we are, but rather, who we think we are. And we are very, very good at protecting our precious little selves. Fear thinks that it's in charge of that, but it shouldn't be. Ego fear is one that we should thoroughly examine and disassemble. While warning fear should be allowed the reins of our lives at times, Ego Fear is one that we should be directing when to speak and when to be silent. Once it's surfaced, this is the kind of fear we need to choose how much freedom it gets in our lives. It needs to be our choice, we're in charge. Invitational Fear If you've read Stephen Pressfield's book, The War of Art, you'll recognize invitational fear as what he calls "resistance". This is a type of fear that you might experience before stepping into something you were meant to do. It's closely linked with creative work and it often appears when we are starting or approaching something; a project, a job, a new task, a new idea, a blog post, even. I remember learning a new quilting technique several years ago. It's a non-traditional art quilt method that's fairly unusual. Instead of using the technique on an instructional project, I thought I understood the concept and tried it on my own piece. I'd cut all the pieces and before I started to sew, I felt the strongest resistance. I sat there for a few minutes at the sewing machine unable to start until I realized it was resistance. It was starting something new. Something that I didn't really know how to do. It was venturing into the unknown. Which is kind of silly when I realized if it didn't work, I could just try again. I was talking about a 4" square finished piece. It had about 30 pieces, so it was complicated...but there was certainly no major life-threatening situation if it didn't work. It was just the fear of something new. This is the kind of fear we need to befriend when we feel it. Treat it as a sign that you're doing something right, not wrong. Work with it and let it help fuel you to move forward or at the very least, ignore and proceed anyway. This fear tends to dissipate pretty quickly when we begin doing the thing we're supposed to do. Ms. Plett also calls it "the trembling", because it often manifests physically in your body. Trauma Finally, the appendicitis of the fear categories. Trauma-related fear should not be treated lightly. This can be fear related to an injury, a sickness or disease, an assault, abuse, an accident or any other traumatic experience, both small and large. These may be logical or seem illogical. While the other three we can often work through on our own, you wouldn't feel qualified to take out your own appendix, right? So, allow professionals to help you with trauma-related fear. How Does This Help? If you're feeling fearful about something and you can label it as trauma, invitational, ego or warning fear, you can then choose an appropriate response. If it's a subtle warning fear, you might realize that you need to pay attention to the warning and take action. If it's an invitational fear, realizing that it will dissipate quickly if you step over that threshold is helpful in moving through it and even using it as motivation. If you're experiencing ego fear, well, now we come to the type of fear that we need to work through and not let control our lives. I'm going to give you a process in the next two weeks that helps me and hopefully, it will help you too, move through that type of fear, so come back for those episodes!   Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

I mentioned last week that one of the little brave moments I had was to choose to go to a conference by myself, where I was not only going to not know anyone, but I'm not really the target client of the conference, so I was probably going to feel seriously intimidated. But, I went anyway. This was a conference for educators in a specialized niche segment. I'm a parent of one a student in that niche. Having parents there isn't unheard of, there was actually a seminar track for parents, which is why I thought I could legitimately be there, but, in general, most of the parents there were really also educators, which is why they became interested in that education niche, to begin with. To boil down the situation for you. I was attending alone, in the midst of experts, in a field I know little to nothing about. That's an uncomfortable situation for a perfectionistic introvert with imposter syndrome. I also told you last week that I was going to put together a toolkit on fear this week. And, I started to. But, like overwhelm, the number of suggestions out there for dealing with fear is...well, overwhelming. And, riddled with what seems to me to be stupid advice. So much so, that I tossed the toolkit idea out. Many of the first-aid style tools used for immediate relief of overwhelm (the type mentioned in episode 54) will work as first-aid for fear as well. Instead, here's what I'm going to do. Today, I'm going to use my conference experience to explain three tools to help you act in spite of fear. Next week we're going to talk about different types of fear so that you can understand what you're experiencing and the best ways to deal with it. And, then, I'm going to give you a process for dealing with a decision or a situation that is making you scared. It's a five or six step process, depending on how I break it down and I'll walk you through how I applied it to a decision I'm struggling with fear about this week. It was super helpful for me, and I hope you'll find it helpful too. Countering Fear With Practice But, today, back to my conference. I like to do conferences with a pal for a couple of reasons. First, doing things with friends is just more fun. Second, I find interacting with strangers difficult. And, I like having someone to process the conference content with. For today, the relevant reason is that I'm not a talking-to-strangers kinda gal. I admire people who are, it's a really valuable skill. I remember sitting on a bench at a marina where I was soaking up alone time and recharging in front of water and sailboats, two of my favorite things. And, my husband at the time was wandering around talking to people. He came back, sat down and started telling me about one of the boat owners he'd met who had previously worked for the CIA and details of that CIA experience. I remember looking at him incredulously. He'd been gone for 15 minutes. In 15 minutes, I might have said hello to someone. From a distance. Maybe. And he'd practically gotten their security clearance information. How is that possible? I realized about a year ago that with the work that I do and the schedule that I keep, I was becoming more and more isolated. That the trouble I have opening up conversations with strangers was becoming more and more difficult for me...because I never put myself in a position to do it. So, what did I decide to do about that? I volunteered at my church in a position that would make me do it over and over. I'm not a door greeter, that would be easy for me. Smiling and saying hello when it's expected of me isn't really uncomfortable. It's initiating real conversation and connection with strangers that's tough. So, I make myself do it every. Single. Week. And, you know what? It's helped. I was much less stressed at this conference than I would have been a year ago. Here's another example. In high school, I was terrified to speak in public, like statistically, most of you. Speech days were the absolute worst. In college, I wound up in a major that required me to present my solution to a problem and sell my ideas to a group three times a week. After presenting regularly, I remember vividly a speech to a larger group where I felt like I really had the audience with me. I could have told them anything and they would have believed me. And I was talking about the design of the Biosphere 2, a science research facility in Arizona. This wasn't a talk about something of critical importance. At that moment, during the speece, I was feeling this, for lack of a better term, power to influence, and I was hooked. While I might get nervous now because I haven't done it in awhile, I am not afraid of speaking anymore. Incremental exposure to our fears has the power to break their hold. You may not love whatever you were afraid of like I learned to love speaking, but the fear can be significantly reduced. Countering Fear With Gratitude Another approach is countering fear with gratitude. Tony Robbins has said that you can't be fearful and grateful simultaneously, but I like the way Wendy Fontaine said it better (Sorry, Tony). It's impossible to think about how scary life is when you're focusing on all the ways it is beautiful. It's like trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze. You couldn't do it, even if you wanted to...Gratitude shines a light on hope, and hope drives away fear. How did that apply to my conference experience? I truly was grateful that this conference was available to me. I needed the information for me and for my son. While it was mostly geared toward educators, parents were welcomed and encouraged. I was grateful for that. It was local-ish. I could drive into Nashville for it each day, so I didn't need to travel and I didn't have hotel costs. It was relatively inexpensive and it was on a Friday and Saturday, so I only had to miss one day of work. Focusing on how grateful I was to be able to attend and made fears recede. Countering Fear With Purpose Gillian Ferrabee, who I'll talk more about next week says that fear lives in the vacuum of un-intentionality. Having a strong "why" helps you act in spite of fear. If you haven't read Simon Sinek's book, Start With Why, I strongly recommend it. The concept can be applied to so much more than leadership or even personal development. Studies link a sense of purpose not only to slower rates of cognitive decline as we age but to lower rates of disability and death as well. A purpose, a "why", is a big deal in life. And it can help get you through a conference by yourself too. One class at this conference was the real reason I was going. It was on perfectionism. As it turned out, I'd seen these presenters before about 6 months ago. I didn't realize they were the ones doing this talk and it was still valuable because it was so content-dense that I caught some information I missed when I heard them speak before. But, there were other jewels at this conference that I would have totally missed out on, had this class not been the reason driving me to get over my fear enough to get me there. Three different approaches that you can use in very practical ways to get you past your fear to action. The first was incremental exposure. Do the thing you're afraid of in small doses, increasing over time. Second, focus on gratitude. And, lastly, choose an intentional purpose that you feel more deeply than the fear. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

I love words. I have a few alternative word definitions for you today.   "barkTHINS Snacking Chocolate," "There's a Culver's nearby," and "If I eat them all now, at least they're out of the house!" are all phrases that really mean "none of your clothes fit anymore"   "I'm just going to get dressed and walk for awhile." really means, "I know how to trick myself into running when I don't want to"   "I feel worthless" really means "my hormones are messing with my brain again"   And, "kid, you are bringin' out my crazy" really means, "I love and adore you so very much, but you're about to lose every stinkin' privilege you've ever known...until you're 30!"   Here's one that really hit me this week. It's a lyric in a Matthew West song, "Turns out safe is just another word for regret."   We do everything we can to be comfortable and safe. We arrange our days, our circumstances, even what we wear to be comfortable and safe. But, I'm willing to bet that the very best moments in your life, the most exhilarating experiences you've had, the times when you felt really alive and the things that opened your life up to new possibilities...I'm willing to bet those didn't flow from comfortable and safe.   We need comfortable and safe. We need it as a launchpad. We need it as a safety net. We need it as zone to heal, regroup and rest. But, comfortable and safe is a basecamp, not a permanent residence.     A few weeks ago, I mentioned my toolkit for overwhelm. I decided yesterday that I was going to make one for depression. But, not this week. This week, I'm making one for fear.   I'm thinking about it this morning, because of the #metoo trending hashtag. I've gotten into several conversations about abusive relationships this week. Whenever this topic comes up, there is always someone who says, "I just do not understand how a woman can stay in an abusive situation." It's a legitimate question. Sometimes it's asked with compassion. Usually, it's asked with an attitude of "these women are weak, crazy, or stupid. Or, all three."   Here's one really, really short and overly simplified answer to that question of why. They're choosing what they know over what they don't know. The fear of the unknown, of the choices they'll face, of the opinions of others, of the hard work of recovering themselves, of the judgement of society on the outside, of how they're going to care for themselves and their children...these fears of what they don't know are bigger than the uncomfortable, unhealthy and unsafe situation they already do know. It's emotionally safer to deal with the abusive situation than to face those fears.   Now, before you get all judgey on me. Let me ask you this. How much does fear drive your own actions? How much does it control what you do and don't do? How strong is the pull of the safe and the familiar in your own life?   What if I asked you to dress up to the nines...sequins, heels, makeup, hair or a tux, like get all fancy, just for fun...and then go to the grocery store for bread and milk. That's out of the norm and might feel uncomfortable. What if you've always wanted to do something crazy with your hair...but can't bring yourself to actually do it? What if you want to take your family to the beach this Christmas, but it's far easier not to deal with the outcry from your relatives. What if there's someone you'd like to get to know, but you're afraid they won't be interested? There are a thousand small ways fear can run your life.   Friends, the pull of the familiar. The comfortable. The known. Is really, really strong. Many of us, if asked, when we listen to the longing of our hearts, yearn for meaning, adventure, and excitement. But, a life like that doesn't happen in the safe zone. It doesn't happen without risk. It doesn't happen if we're arranging our lives to eliminate fear.   This is not just about the big stuff.   I chose adventure over fear this week when I asked an acquaintance for advice about a subject she knew better than I did. Big adventure? Nope, but randomly reaching out to someone I don't know well to talk about a touchy subject is not something I do often.   I chose adventure over fear this week when I told a group of women about something in my life that's typically not shared in public conversations. Big adventure? Nope. But, being vulnerable isn't easy.   I chose adventure over fear this week when I signed up for a conference where I won't know a soul, I'm going to feel like an outsider and an imposter. Big adventure? Nope. But, conferences without compatriots isn't in my comfort zone.   Choosing adventure over fear in small things flexes your courageous muscle. What if that conversation with my acquaintance leads to one of the best friendships of my life? Or, an insight into the topic that changes my life, or someone else's? What if being vulnerable in that group of women gave someone else permission and courage to share something that if they were then supported, could heal a deep emotional wound? What if I receive information at this conference that could free me or my son from perfectionism? What if I learn something that could change how I approach parenting him for the better? What if I meet someone that could make a big difference in my life? What if? The potential from these what if's were enough to make me step over that line of uncomfortable into possibility.   While I work on a toolkit this week, what if you pay attention to who usually wins the tug-of-war in your heart between fear and the familiar. Notice those internal conversations...often they'll be so fast and so one-sided that you might have a hard time even recognizing them. They might sound like, "what if...NO. NO WAY. YOU'RE CRAZY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE WILL THINK? OR, SAY? YOU'LL LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. YOU ARE AN IDIOT..."   You may never even get to the idea before the voices in your head jump all over you. Noticing is the first step toward breaking that cycle and finding your brave. Don't let safe be another word for regret in your life. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

Friends, I'm drained. I see the posts all over every social media channel. I have my own #metoo stories. I meet with a group of women each week and we happen to be talking about a woman's purpose and place in the world this week and next and the #metoo movement couldn't be ignored as it relates, so we talked about it there. I had phone conversations about it this week. It eased itself into dinner conversation. It's pervasive, it's exhausting, and I have mixed feelings about it altogether. Women already know sexual harassment, aggression, and abuse are experiences that every woman everywhere deals with on an ongoing basis. We all know. We all understand. Every woman has stories and wherever those stories fall on the spectrum of no-lingering-impact catcalls to life-changing-impact rape or abuse has absolutely no relevance to their legitimacy of those stories or that experience. They are all valid. #metoo If a woman chooses to participate and post a #metoo on social media, I pray that she feels heard, acknowledged and supported. I pray that as men, seeing the overwhelming number of women in your feed affected, that you begin to understand that this affects all women. Not just a select few. Women you see as "healthy". Women you see as "normal." Your wives. Your daughters. Every woman you've ever met lives within the confines of this issue. Even the ones who choose not to participate in social media hashtags. Maybe, especially them. There are very valid reasons not to participate, but that does not in any way mean they aren't affected. You can just assume that every woman you've ever met is affected in some way. Trending hashtags, however, don't make actual change happen. That takes time, effort and intentionality on a personal level for every one of us. Not just activists. Here's what I hope happens. I hope the hashtag movement sparks conversations. Conversations where a husband asks his wife how she's been affected. And then she has the courage to tell him and he listens without judgment, thoughtfully considers how it's impacted his marriage, responds in love and support, and then adjusts his attitudes or behavior in whatever ways necessary. I hope it sparks conversations among educators about what they can do on a personal level to support students and call out lack of respect they see among students. I hope it sparks conversations in youth groups, on soccer fields, on business lunches and in boardrooms. I hope that we begin to listen, learn, and see ways that we can make our circle of influence safer for all people. Change-making Awareness means nothing if it's not followed up by action. Women can't do it by ourselves. We can talk about it until we're blue in the face, but we can't make the change happen. Men, you are going to have to take actions. And it does start with you. Not with stronger sentences for those convicted of rape. Should that happen? Yes, absolutely. But, it needs to start with all the men out there who think this behavior is inappropriate and morally wrong...and I know there are a lot of you who feel that way. Clean up your circle of influence. Don't allow toxic talk, call out inappropriate behavior. In the gym. In the locker room. In the conference room. In your home. In your heart. Don't perpetuate objectification of women and don't frequent stores, media, bars or products where you see it happening. Vote with your thoughts, your actions, and your wallet. Make your choices intentional. Women. You're not exempt from creating change. And I'm not either. As I've struggled with my response to this whole thing, I realize that I need to do a better job parenting my son around this issue. It's not the driving issue in my world. I don't think about it daily. Yes, it's affected me in really profound ways over the course of my life. But, it doesn't define who I am. I realize, though, I should maybe have parented some things differently earlier. Parenting A Boy In a #metoo Culture What can we do as mothers with sons? Here's a non-exhaustive list of the things that come to mind immediately. Teach them about the dynamics of consent. That no means no. That yes doesn't mean always and forever. That everyone has the right to change their mind at any time and revoke consent. Teach them that they are not entitled. Period. I'm not talking about sexually only. I'm talking about life. Teach them that they need to respect all people as a valuable creation. All people. Every single one. Teach them that there are consequences from all of their actions, both big and small. And those consequences are far reaching. Teach them that permissions are important, need to be asked for, waited for and respected. Teach them that good character is an action, a muscle. One that needs to be constantly flexed. Teach them that we have a responsibility to actively look out for others, those we know and those we don't. Teach them that their role in a healthy relationship is to serve the other person well. Not to selfishly take whatever they can. Teach them that any question they have can be expected to have a respectful, thoughtful answer from you. No matter how embarrassing you find it. Teach them what sexuality is about. Take responsibility for teaching them. Teach them what it means to be a man, in a healthy honoring way. Masculinity isn't the enemy and should be affirmed. Healthy manhood is honoring to women. We need to honor it in return. Friends, this is a no-brainer list. It's prompted by the #metoo movement, but it's about living life as a healthy person. How many of you have heard that the goal in raising a child is that they become a healthy independent adult? It's not. The goal is that your kids become a healthy interdependant adult. We live in complex relationships and we need to raise children, boys and girls, who are healthy in the context of those relationships. Healthy in personal relationships, family relationships, social relationships and societal relationships. It's a no-brainer list, but it's not easy and it's not going to happen by accident. I challenge you to choose three things you can do this week to respond to the #metoo movement. If you're a woman and you've posted a #metoo post, great, you only have two more to go. My Action Steps Here's what I'm doing in my home. I need to do a better job teaching my 12-year-old about boundaries, consent, and permissions. So, we're going to have a conversation about it with some specific changes in our household. I need to respect his space more and his person more explicitly. For example, we tickle fight and have since he was young. He needs the roughhousing in a mom-only household. But, I need to respect, "no" and "stop" more completely. We'll have that conversation this week. With the lack of fathering in my home, I need to be more intentional about pointing out when I see things that men do that I want my son to emulate. "That's what it means to be a man." needs to be said more often. Talk consistently about what good character in action looks like. How can he respond to any given situation with good character in an active, not passive, role? I need to make it clear that acting on his values is expected. Reward him when he does. I'm going to start using this as my after-school car question. "How'd school go?" to get it started and "How did you act on your good character today?" will be my questions of choice. Ok friends, those are my three. And I posted a #metoo post, so in typical overachiever fashion, I'm ahead of the game. Write down your three things. Share them with a spouse or friend. Hold each other accountable. How will you actively respond to the #metoo movement? 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I came close to a breakdown this morning. The obvious reason is ridiculous. My cleaning lady comes today. Who has a breakdown over someone coming to clean for them? I have someone help me out for an hour every other week. It keeps me sane. Usually. It makes sure that no matter what else happens in my schedule, my toilets get cleaned and my floors get vacuumed and my house gets dusted on a regular basis. This two hours a month is a complete luxury for me, which I am so very grateful for. Usually. Rebecca coming makes sure that no matter what else happens in my schedule, my toilets get cleaned and my floors get vacuumed and my house gets dusted on a regular basis. This two hours a month is a complete luxury for me, which I am so very grateful for. Except for this morning. She's only here for an hour. In order for her to do what I pay her to do, I have to have some things done in advance. For example, she can't vacuum the floor if we have stuff everywhere. I pay her to vacuum.  She can--and is happy to--move stuff, but she can't do as good a job and I want her vacuuming, not picking up. My house is a disaster right now. I have a pile of stuff in the living room that's been there since the Destination Imagination competition in March. And our hallway is full of stuff my son left there when he came home from camp in June. Everywhere else is just as big a mess. It drives me crazy. I  worked upstairs in my parents' area last weekend because I didn't have time to clean up and I couldn't handle the visual chaos and constant reminder of what I wasn't getting done. I'm hoping I'm not the only one and someone out there can relate. This week is Fall break and my son is home for a few days and we're not travelling. Perfect time to make some headway on cleaning up things like the hallway and the DI piles. Right after I get this podcast recorded, get my work caught up and make candy for a meeting tonight. But, I forgot it was a Rebecca day. On top of my already crazy full schedule, I needed to get the place Rebecca-ready. I almost had a breakdown. The real problem right now is lack of margin. I'm operating way too close to the edge of handling everything. So, one thing--adding something into my full morning schedule--that wouldn't normally be a big deal instead makes me feel like losing it. About Overwhelm Overwhelm is a type of emotional paralysis where you feel as though you're unable to cope with or handle your circumstances. It may not be schedule driven like mine was this morning. It could be financial, relational, or physical. Overwhelm is an epidemic in society today. The speed of change, amount of daily inputs we have to handle, the culture of overwork, chronic stress levels, cultural pressure to do it all, be it all and have it all, personal factors (like perfectionism), and social pressures (like an environment of comparison) all contribute to a vast number of people feeling overwhelmed. Including me. A year or two ago, I got tired of feeling that way, so I did what I tend to do when I get curious about something. I did some research. How are people talking about overwhelm? What can we do to combat it? Today, I had to pull out my results from the work I did then and use it. So, I thought I'd share a little bit of it with you. Eliminating Overwhelm There are two phases to feeling overwhelmed. One is an acute phase, an initial paralysis, a breakdown, a panicked. "I've had it, I've hit my breaking point" phase. The second is a chronic phase. This morning, I was in an acute phase. So, I pulled out my first aid tactics. I have twenty-five of them, so I'm not going to overwhelm you with all of them. Here are five that helped me today. Do a Brain Dump. Part of what caused my anxiety this morning was too many things in my head. So, I sat down and got it all down on paper. Today, that looked like a to-do list for me. It might look like a list of all the things you're worried about. It might be a list of all the projects you need to manage. All the steps needed to do whatever you're trying to do. All the things you're afraid you'll forget. Everything running around in your brain, get it all out onto paper. Just the act of acknowledging the thoughts seem to help them back off the pressure. You can remember them, organize and evaluate them now that they're in black and white. And you have mental space cleared out for dealing with life. Do The Next Right Thing The reality of my Thursdays is that they're my least stressful day. My most stressful days all happen Sunday -Wednesday, so Thursdays are usually a relief. But today, I had a handful of things that all had to happen in a three hour time span and the last minute clean up threw me into overwhelm. I needed to narrow my focus and just deal with the next right thing. Multi-tasking, no matter how good you think you are at it, isn't effective. I needed to do one thing, then move on to the next thing and only deal with the one that's next most important. Do Something, Anything Progress always reduces overwhelm. It feeds momentum which then helps you make progress and in the way of cyclical things...it spirals in a beneficial way. So, the key to this first aid tactic is choosing something small. Choosing something small allows you to gain that momentum foothold faster. It doesn't really have to be related to what you're feeling overwhelmed about. You need an action starting point that will move you out of paralysis. For me, this morning, that was two quick texts to people I needed to get in touch with. Use Tunes Music is a mood manipulator. One of the things that really had to get done today was this podcast. But, I was having trouble focusing, getting started and staying calm enough to deal with it. One thing that helps me focus when I write is using white noise. So, on went the headphones. I had an immediate physical response when I heard the wave and rain sounds. It's as if my whole body breathed a sigh of relief as the repetitive, calming noises washed over me. You can use music to boost your energy, relax, or help you focus. If you're on Spotify, you can find a few playlists I use to manipulate my mood and energy at michelleberkey: a few zen chill lists, with and without lyrics, happy happy mood and stronger are a few you'll find there. Radically Slash Your To-Do List If your overwhelm is schedule related, slash your to-do list short term. Consider what would get done if you were bedridden-sick for the next week. Do only that. For me this morning, I wanted to re-do an art piece I wasn't happy with yesterday. That was squarely on the nice-but-not-necessary list. When I started to get overwhelmed, that got taken off the table for today. Doing my laundry, some follow up emails, and some work and ministry things that I need to get done (but not immediately) also got removed from my schedule for now. In review, the five first aid tactics I used today were Brain Dump, the Next Right Thing, Do Something, Use Tunes, and Radically Slash Your List. These five suggestions won't get to the bottom of your overwhelm. They're intended to be first aid for the acute paralysis that can occur. Put them in your pocket and pull them out when needed. Action Steps Because inspiration and education are great, but they only result in transformation when you add action - and that's your job - here are a few action steps you can take today. Good: Digitally, file this information away where you can get to it easily when you need it. File the email, bookmark the post or favourite the podcast episode. Better: Make yourself an index card of these five tactics. Write them in your planner or a journal. Physically writing them down will help solidify them in your mind and will give you something physical to pull out when needed. I made myself a flip book of all my tactics that I could drop in my bag or keep in my desk or car. I haven't needed it for a long time (that's an indication of growth right there), but I pulled it out this morning. Best: Begin to work on the underlying root cause of your overwhelm so you don't have to deal with the acute paralysis. _________ Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

I've been procrastinating working on this episode for an hour and a half now. And I'm already past the deadline of when it should be completed. I've sent a long overdue email, I've backed a Kickstarter campaign. I've posted on Instagram. I've emptied the dishwasher. I've put a few coats of varnish on my most recent art piece. I've eaten breakfast. Or, lunch actually. That needed to be done. But, those other things? They definitely did not have to be done right now. This is major league resistance. The dishwasher, that's a sure giveaway. If I'm choosing to empty the dishwasher, I'm in major league avoidance mode.   I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but often if you have a really great experience...not like eating the perfect lemon custard kind of experience, but like the amazing conference experience I had a few weeks ago...after a really great experience, there's often a corresponding low. It seems like life can't just go back to normal, it needs to hit the skids to compensate for the high point.   The thing is, nothing has really gone wrong. On the outside. But, on the inside, I'm struggling. I've mentioned this before, I go through seasons of depression. For me, though, they aren't really seasons. I think I've had a few different types of depression in the past. I've had periods where it lasted several months to a half a year. At least one of those times I tested borderline on a medical assessment but chose to get through it without drug intervention. That would have been a season of depression.   What's affected my life to a greater degree has been something more like a standing appointment than a season. I'm certain it's related to hormone levels. I would regularly have three or four days of symptoms every month. I can literally feel it come on over the space of about an hour or so and leave in the same way. It's a physical sensation and a change in the way my brain works. Lately though, since I'm perimenopausal, I've been able to skip most of those appointments. But, in the last few weeks, I had an episode hit hard and last longer than usual.   I got curious about it the other day. I was probably procrastinating some other writing I was supposed to be doing (resistance is real, folks). I looked up the kinds of depression. Of course, what I found puts me outside of all the standard boxes. This is pretty typical for me. I never fit in the standard boxes. So, maybe, it's not really depression. Maybe it's something that mimics depression. I looked up what types of things mimic depression. None of them seemed close to fitting. So, I began to believe, since I don't fit into the typical boxes, that it's not really legitimate. I began to minimize and discount my own experience. Bad move.   Have you ever done that? Minimized your experience of something because it doesn't meet some perceived standard? If you have ever led with a disclaimer or apology in a conversation, you've done this. Well, I'm not a real writer,... or, I'm not a real runner, but.... or, I'm not really an artist...  those are three that I know I've said before. How about you?   Discounting my experience of depression sounds like this in my head. "I almost never have suicidal thoughts. It doesn't last as long as real depression would. And, it's not that severe." It sounds absurd. Whether I fit neatly in a box or not, my experience is real. It's valid. And it impacts my life. If you're discounting or minimizing who you are, something you do or something that happens in your life, stop.   I've been practicing for about three years now saying that I'm an artist. It sounded ridiculous at first. I wasn't good enough to be an artist. I still struggle, but it comes easier now. I run, so I'm a runner. I write, so I'm a writer. I make art, so I'm an artist. Whether I run fast, write well or make good art is a whole different question. My experience of those three things doesn't have to be of any particular quality in order to be valuable. I don't have to run fast or train for a marathon in order for my body to benefit from running. I don't have to have three books published in order for my writing to be transformational - for myself or anyone else who happens to read it.   Whatever you're minimizing in yourself doesn't need to meet an external standard. If you're changed by it, affected by it, experience it, then I am telling you that it's legitimate and you need to own it.   Here's the other lesson I learned this week. It's something I learned through my depression but applies to life in general. I've always assumed that my experience was "depression lite;" the stripped down, not as complex, less expensive version. I've really always thought it wasn't serious. But, in the research I was doing, I ran across an assessment and took it. I scored at "Moderately Severe." That's fairly sobering. it shifted my whole perspective about how seriously I should take it and how diligent I should be in dealing with it.   Here's my lesson for you. Stop making assumptions in life. Ask questions instead. Don't assume you know what someone means or why they feel a certain way when someone states an opinion. I'm willing to bet that that right there could stop 85% of the angry exchanges on Facebook. Don't assume someone knows they hurt your feelings. A brave, brave friend of mine recently told me I'd hurt her feelings with something I said. I'm so glad she did. Because, after apologizing, I could explain that I'd communicated very poorly. In fact, I'd meant to communicate the opposite of the message I'd given. Don't assume your symptoms are nothing. Don't assume your friends know you need help or encouragement. Don't assume that you can't do something.   Don't assume. Ask.   If you struggle with depression, First, see a counselor or medical professional. I'm not a doctor and I didn't even sleep at Holiday Inn Express last night. I do know that for me, all the non-medical interventions like eating better, getting healthy sleep, exercise, yoga, meditation, volunteering for others and experiencing community do help. But, in my case, the problem is doing them. They are the absolute last things I want to do. Sometimes you need to choose to do what you can anyway and give yourself a pass on what you can't. Do any of those items in small steps if you can't take big ones.   If you know someone struggling with depression. Just be kind. It's not typically something they can just get over. It's not that they're having a bad day, or week or month. Do things that simply remind them that you care. And do them over and over and over again, no matter how much you think you're being redundant, no matter how your friend or loved one is able to respond to you and no matter at what point you think they should be over it.    Take Action Because inspiration and education are great, but they only result in transformation when you add action - and that's your job - here are a few action steps you can take on these lessons today: Good:  Ask yourself what experiences you're having that you need to stop minimizing. Better:  Stop minimizing those things. And stop making assumptions. Train an insatiable curiosity instead. Best:  Get together with a friend, talk about these ideas and hold each other accountable to make real changes in your life.   Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

Who knew donuts could be a lesson in personal growth? Of course, if you eat too many, they certainly can foster personal growth in ways you don't want! That kind of personal growth may or may not be happening with me right now. It's time to get back on the no sugar bandwagon again. But, I'm already off subject. So, let's bring it back on track. I was at a conference last week in downtown Nashville. Story 2017. If you're a storyteller in any form: corporate, writer, artist, marketing...go sign up right now for next year because you don't want to miss it. I was standing in line with a friend, getting her some free Muletown Coffee (we serve it at The Bridge Church, too, good stuff, y'all) when we saw boxes upon boxes of donuts up near the entrance. Donuts are my son's drug of choice, but I can take or leave them. Unless we're talking about Charlie's Donut Truck in Alys Beach, FL and then I fall squarely on the "take them" side. This particular morning, they were Dunkin' Donuts, bright yellow frosted and filled. In my world, that's three strikes against them. But, I'd skipped breakfast that morning because I had to get up at o'dark thirty to get to downtown in rush hour traffic. So, bright yellow Dunkin Donuts looked more appealing than normal and we decided to check them out. Donuts! These mounds and mounds of donuts for all the conference attendees were provided by Pinterest. And as we were handed a donut, we were told why. "Take your donut - your blank-faced emoji donut - and head inside where there are fixin's that you can use to create an emoji face on your donut. Post a picture, hashtag the conference and get a chance to win a pretty sweet $400 leather bag." Now, remember, this is a conference of creatives. You could see the sleepy eyes light up as people were given the instructions. This took a Dunkin Donut all the way from "better than nothing" straight on up to "bomb-diggity!" And as we walked into the soaring lobby of the Schermerhorn, we were greeted by a huge spread of fun pieces to decorate these donuts with. Eyes, lips, accessories, chocolate to custom cut, frosting...super fun, right? Well, it should have been. What should have happened is that I looked around in creative glee and began to play. It should have been play. Light-hearted and fun. Comparison Instead, I tripped and fell headlong into comparison and competition. All of these other people messing with the abundance of emoji parts were surely way more creative, way cooler and way higher on the (newly discovered) donut emoji creation scale. It suddenly became more about my own insecurity and need to perform than about play and fun. I will say this. At least I recognized it this time and I refused to let comparison be the king of that donut table. I made a quick emoji. I kept it simple. I worked at not worrying about how creative it was or how it stacked up against all the other donuts. I chose from the first pieces I saw, added some frosting bangs and I was done. As I stepped back from the table and watched the others, I was glad that I'd not let comparison reign. This is progress for me. I realized what was happening in my head and intentionally didn't walk down that path. But, it did still ruin the fun. I'm looking forward to the day when I can approach a project table with others in a spirit of fun exploration instead of comparison. It was a great idea, Pinterest. Kudos on the marketing joy. And thank you for the personal reminder of how easily comparison can ruin a beautiful morning. Theodore Roosevelt is often credited with saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” and I had a very vivid experience of his quote that morning. I'm not sure if there was anything I could have done to salvage the fun of that experience, but I had so many other fun things happening that I wasn't too concerned. I realized that I typically walk into events like that with a comparison mindset. Do I belong? How do I measure up against everyone else there? This time, I didn't. I didn't really think about it until late the first day, but this time, I had walked in with a warm expectation of what I was about to receive. I was at peace, I was comfortable and I wasn't comparing at all. For someone always unsure of her place in the world, this was a profoundly different experience. How To Eliminate Comparison If you struggle with comparison and you do a search on how to stop, you'll find plenty of lists, plenty of actions to take. be aware of the tendency to compare practice gratitude learn to accept imperfection change your perspective take a walk redirect to compare with yourself and not with others But, no one seems to address the root issue. Comparison is the fruit of insecurity. Do the hard work of dealing with the insecurity and the comparisons will naturally fade away. Action Steps Good:  Start to realize when you're making comparisons to others and how it impacts your thoughts and your life. Start to listen to your inner voices and get enough perspective on them that you can start to see how they shape your life. Better:  Work through a list of action steps. Here are some links to get you started: Becoming Minimalist, Zen Habits, Tiny Buddha, and another article on Tiny Buddha. Best:  Tackle your insecurities.  Begin to ask yourself what your self image is based on. Begin to dig into where you find your identity. As your insecurities weaken, you'll begin to leave the comparisons behind. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

"Feeling inadequate is an occupational hazard of motherhood." says Harriet Lerner. I think she's right. Motherhood has a way of bringing inadequacy to the surface in a big way, but, I'd argue that it's really more than that, it's part of the human condition. When I started to think about the feeling of "I'm not enough," of being insufficient for a purpose, parenting is an easy place to start. As a new first time parent, I remember feeling the weight of the responsibility for a life. I'd never done this before, it's years and years of actions with eternal consequences. It's caring for and shaping a human being. It is an incredible privilege, but it's an incredible responsibility as well. I was sleep deprived from a battle with sickness my whole pregnancy and I was dealing with the needs of a newborn that I didn't even understand. I don't remember much about my son's first year, but we obviously survived. And learned as we went along. Unfortunately, around every turn of raising kids comes more things to learn, more mistakes we make and more fingers to point out our inadequacies. Sure, we learn as we go, but we make mistakes, too. You'd think that by child #2, we'd have it figured out. But, this second child is completely different than the first! We make some of the same mistakes, but this child is different, so we make new mistakes, too! And we're left with feeling insufficient for the purpose of parenting. Add to that work and relationship struggles and we can feel not just insufficient for parenting. But, for all of life. Feeling insufficient for life is not a small thing. Suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in the US in 2015, there were more than twice as many suicides as homicides that year. I'd be standing on a very shaky limb to say that those two things have a cause and effect relationship because I have no evidence to back that up, but it makes sense that a deep sense of inadequacy in life can contribute to the hopelessness that can propel someone to suicide. Or excessive alcohol or drug use. Or, workaholism. Or, your escape tactic of choice. How Can We Fix It? Much of the talk about reducing feelings of inadequacy begins at the place of encouraging us to believe that we are enough. When I was looking up some background on this, the idea of "Remember, you are enough!" is at the top of all the lists. And hearing can be very real refreshment for our hearts. It has brought tears to my eyes before. And I don't cry easily. But, here's my problem. I don't believe it. And I think it's unhealthy to tell ourselves that lie. I don't think I'm enough. I don't think I'll ever be enough. And I don't think you're enough either. I know this flies if the face of the self-help industry. And it's probably not the most encouraging thing you'll hear today. But, I'm not enough. By myself, I'm not enough Here's the encouraging part. We don't have to be enough. Being Not Enough...Together We have to be willing to be imperfect and try anyway. We have to learn to live within a community that knows us and helps each other. We have to be willing to both give and receive that help. In short, we need to expand our lives in such a way that they encompass community. If we live our lives broken, but alongside other broken people who are filling in the gaps for each other, we begin to change the story of not being enough. It begins to be instead a beautiful picture of humanity. What are are the heartwarming stories of hurricanes Harvey and Irma devastation? They're pictures of community. Of people helping people. I'm not enough to do it all myself, but I'm enough to share these words with you while a friend helps me produce the show...so that I can write other words to more people in a way that I'm called to do. I'm not enough to parent alone. But, my parents, family and friends help me out. I'm enough to take care of a friend's son for the weekend so that she can recover from surgery. Would she do the same for me? I have no doubt that she would. I'm enough to share with a close group of women that the last time I made a significant financial commitment to a cause I cared about, I lost my income for six months and I just realized on the verge of another commitment, the two are tied in my heart and I'm afraid. But, when they struggle with their fears? I'll be there for them too. When we live among people--both our families and friends, but enclosed behind our own silo'd walls, we forfeit a powerful antidote to inadequacy. Yes, true community requires vulnerability. it requires knowing and being known. It requires caring enough about our soul health that we allow others to see that soul, the good and the bad in it. We are a relational species. We are made to live in community. True community knows, loves, supports, heals, and cherishes. It also corrects and disciplines. But, we're not good at it. We tend to live in community the way we live on social media, in one of two extremes. We either vomit too much at inappropriate times and places. Or, we never go deeper than the perfectly groomed facade that's presented to Facebook or Instagram. Real community is neither of those. It's a real life, gritty, inconvenient mess. It's helpful, kind and loving in ways that move beyond words into actions. It's the hard work of accountability and forgiveness. It's offering hope in tangible ways. Real community is sharing your life with a group of people in such a way that everyone together becomes enough. I was at a conference this week that was a crazy amazing experience. You'll hear more about it in the coming months because I'm sure I'm going to be unpacking lessons found there for a long time. One of the things that happened in a transition between sessions was a song that the audience participated in. We linked arms and sang a refrain while she sang melody. It was a picture of us supporting her as she supported us in a community of melody. But, before we sang, she said this, "when you have no faith of your own, you can borrow some from others." It struck me as exactly what I've been talking about today. And I was so impressed that she used the word borrow. "Borrow" faith from others. Because you need to pay it back. May you both look to your community for faith and pay it back this week. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

Have you ever had the sense that you were doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing? That you're right in the sweet spot where talents, skills, opportunities and passions intersect? Or, maybe you're not in that elusive sweet spot, but at least on the path toward it. Or, you've finally reached a goal...you've lost that 50 pounds, gotten your dream job or married the man or woman of your dreams. What if that thing that was supposed to make you happy, solve your problems or make your life easier...didn't? What it that thing happened and life was still hard? I mentioned last week that I'm working on a new project. It's a daily writing that's being used in my community group at church and other people are following along as well since it's being put out on a public website. I feel like this group, writing, and the art associated with it is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now. This spiritual storytelling and life-sharing is what I'm supposed to be investing my energy into. So, life should be golden, right? Not exactly. My sleep schedule is messed up, I'm stress eating and I can't keep up with my home or my laundry. My son was sick this week and so was I. Or, I felt like it. It may have just been eating foods that shouldn't be ever passing my lips in small amounts, much less by the truckload. It may be the barometric pressure changes as hurricane remnants come through. It's probably a combination of all of those things. And at the same time that I'm feeling that I'm doing something I'm supposed to be doing, I feel defeated, depleted and discouraged. I can't keep up. I'm overwhelmed. I'm celebrating successful adulting if I can just get my son to school on time, dressed, and with a lunch box. If I'm doing the right things...why am I feeling so wretched? First, just because you have a success, a win, or are doing the right things in life does not mean your struggles will go away. We like to think those two things are related, but they're not. Do the great thing and everything gets easy. Happiness bubbles over, birds sing and flowers bloom, like walking down an enchanted path in a Warner Brothers cartoon. Have you ever wished that was you? With every step you take, the world comes to life and sings around you? Achieving a certain thing or living your dream life doesn't change the fact that life can be hard. Hard stuff happens regardless. Your success or actions don't insulate you from struggles and a struggle-free existence isn't related to doing the right thing. My depression doesn't really care if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It will happen anyway, mostly regardless of what I do or don't do and usually at the most inconvenient time. Second, often, we create our own struggles. I know I shouldn't be eating the things I'm eating. I know it. It's not a shock or surprise that I'll wake up feeling bad. That my joints will be swollen and sore. That I'll feel sick and lethargic and have trouble thinking clearly. I'm creating that problem myself. And last, if you think that a good life is built on achieving that thing you've been striving for, doing the right thing, having all the pieces fall into place or whatever you're counting on to gain in order to make you happy, I have news for you. Even if you change your life, you're still in the center of it. With all of your faults and your fears and your failures. With all of your quirks and your weaknesses. What I'm trying to tell you is not to fall victim to the belief that being in your sweet spot or achieving that goal will make life easy, happy and painless. Easy, happy and painless are the cheap seats anyway. Set your sights instead on worthwhile, joy-filled and meaningful. These are found in the process. In the journey, not in achievement. Expect that even on the right path, there will be sore feet, boulders to scramble over and rough weather. In fact, there may be more of those struggles on the right path than on the wrong path. In the War of Art, Steven Pressfield says, “Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul's evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.” Are you sensing resistance? Then press in my friends, press in to that space. This leads me to two other thoughts. Don't assume that because someone does have their life together, is doing what they're meant to do or had just achieved something that they aren't struggling. I'm not even talking about the majority of people posting on social media showing their sanitized life. Those people certainly are struggling. I'm talking about the ones who legitimately have good things happening. They very well may be struggling at the same time. And lastly, don't miss the good stuff while you're running after that thing. Whatever that thing is that you're chasing right now. Remember that joy and meaning happen daily along the way. They aren't waiting for you when you reach your finish line. They were the cheers of the crowd, the sunlight on your face and well-timed food tables along the way. You will have struggles, but there is joy and meaning to be found in the journey if you look for it. Want episodes delivered to your inbox each Monday morning? Click here to subscribe!

Welcome back, my friends! I've been off for about six weeks and you got mini  episodes while I was gone. Sort of like the appetizers you put out at a party to keep people around until you get to the main course. Well, we're back to the main course again and what I thought would happen over the last six weeks is not AT ALL what happened. Some people plan years in advance and then things go off without a hitch. I apparently can't even plan six weeks of my life without it becoming a complete train wreck. My son went into middle school this year and while I knew the transition would be tough for him, the first week was a nightmare. A few days of tears on the way home, "Mom, can you homeschool me?" Well, yes, I'd love too, but not because you don't want to deal with a new experience. His issues aren't with other kids. They're organizational and apparently the newness of the whole experience was completely overwhelming. Having lockers, changing classes, dressing out for gym, getting what you need where you need it and when has been really hard for him. He's got more organizational issues than the average 6th grade boy (is that possible?) and I made an extra trip into town every day for the first week and and a half taking forgotten stuff back and forth. But apparently, the eclipse straightened him out, because he hasn't forgotten anything critical since then. Another thing that happened in the last six weeks was that I faced some unexpected decisions about work. A combination of circumstances and financial issues combined in a way that I found myself seriously considering looking for a new job. I've worked for myself for 20 years. That idea is a huge shift for me. I realized entrepreneurship is a part of how I define myself. And interviewing. I haven't thought about interviewing in several decades! A new publishing project came up as well, that turned from a small 30 minute weekly commitment to a daily article on a new website. So, I decided to put off any job decisions until the new project is either under control or finished. In the last five weeks I've started my son in a new school, interviewed for a job for the first time in 20 years, built a new website, started writing for it every day, and completed a few art pieces for that project. I took on two new roles at church and expanded the reach of the one that I was already doing. I've dealt emotionally with my son miraculously having turned from a child to a pre-teen. I'm not sure exactly when that happened, but I'm apparently the mother of a middle schooler. I've dealt with the idea of no longer being an entrepreneur--when I've seen myself that way for most of my life. I've prepped for a job interview, done the interview and then dealt with the disappointment of not being chosen for the work, after deciding I really did want it. I've dug into some emotional issues of gender and race. It has been a draining six weeks. A lot has happened. So much emotional change. I tell you this to catch you up. But, also to talk about change. This has been a crazy transitional 6 weeks. Here are a few lessons I've thought about as I've gone through it. First, we don't always know where things are going to lead, but not knowing doesn't mean they won't be valuable experiences. I wasn't looking for a new job. But a few options came across my path. One of them I really didn't think I was supposed to get...but I thought I was supposed to apply for it anyway. I'm still not sure what that was about and I may never know. But, I do know it already led to someone recommending me for a different position. Even if I continue to work for myself for the next 20 years, I learned an awful lot about myself going through the interview process. I'm not suggesting you go randomly interview for jobs you have no intention of taking, but I am saying that you should be aware of opportunities around you in all areas of life, even if you don't understand why or where they'll lead. [Tweet "Don't be afraid to take a new or unexpected path because you aren't sure what the end game is."] Second, when everything's new and confusing, like my son's experiences at his new school, remember that "new" is a short term problem. I kept telling him that in a few weeks, all the things that seemed so strange and new would turn into the norm. He'd get it figured out and then we'd just be dealing with the stuff that's truly hard for him. And that's what's happened. He now knows what to expect. He knows how to navigate the class changes and the lockers. It's still not second nature, but it's not overwhelming. When you're in a new situation, remember that "new" turns into "old hat" very quickly. Just hang on, it will get easier every day. And lastly, if things really do change, be willing to adjust for new opportunities. Which brings me to where the podcast is headed. My new project will run through the holidays and it's going to require a good chunk of time. It came up in the last two weeks and became something much larger than I originally intended. If you're a Christian woman interested in a daily article digging into what scripture says about what it is to be a woman, I'd love for you to check it out. Even before that came up, I was looking at making some changes to the podcast. Because of the new project, I was really thinking I was going to have to put the podcast on pause until the new year...until an angel friend of mine offered to do some of the production work for me. I'm eliminating the artwork, the coffee talk emails and the worksheets. I'll do the episode, continue to publish on Sundays and send out a Monday email with the audio link and a few application questions to consider. So, "What if's" will continue to come your way, with those adjustments. Things have changed for me in the last six weeks. Things will continue to change. Things will change for you as well. Things always change. Even when you aren't sure where they're going, be open to new opportunities. Trust that process is as important as the end goal. Walk in confidence, trust in process. It's important know that "new" doesn't last very long, things will normalize quickly. Be willing to adjust for changes if it means a good opportunity. So, the answer to, "What if things change?" is that you'll be fine. If things change, you'll be fine. You might be afraid. We're all afraid. I had more fear in the midst of these changes than I expected to have, more than I've had in a long time. Fear is normal. Just don't let it determine your course. [Tweet "Fear is normal. Just don't let it determine your course."] It's good to be back with you and I'm so grateful for the help to keep this guy rollin'! Because this decision was made at the last minute, I have no idea what topic is coming up next to give you a preview. But, I can tell you that I'll be back next week with another episode and I look forward to chatting with you again. Have a great week!

When I was a toddler and would hum the tune, "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat," my parents couldn't tell what song it was. I had no sense of pitch. My grandfather could have been a concert pianist and had amazing pitch...such a dramatic fall to his granddaughter! I grew up believing I couldn't sing and still have trouble singing in front of people. What instrument did I want to play when elementary instrument sign ups came along? The violin. You know, an instrument that you need to be able to tell when you're out of tune in order to play! Generally speaking, when you hit the correct piano key, you get the correct note. Things are a little more nebulous on a stringed instrument. You need to be able to tell when your fingers have found the right place. Luckily, six or seven years of playing and private lessons had a big impact and my sense of pitch has been trained. It's much better than when I was a toddler. Welcome to the 2017 quote series. This is one of a series of abbreviated episodes happening before Labor Day where we're taking a look at little bits of wisdom in the form of quotes. Today's quote is from Dr. Maya Angelou and she said, "A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song" You have a song. You have a song that is particularly yours. It is shaped by who you have been made to be. But, as my actual voice was shaped by training my ear, yours has been shaped by circumstances as well. The world has plenty of people who are more than willing to spout answers. Many of us have a nature that wants to solve problems. Solving problems makes us feel like we're doing something. But, generally people just want our song. Or, to share their song with us. I think I'm about to take Dr. Angelou's quote in a direction that it wasn't meant to go. But, I don't think she'd argue. Hurting people are all around us. You don't need an answer to help them. Simply acknowledge their hurt and listen. Your attitude of caring, your listening, your willingness to hear them is your song. And that song penetrates hearts so much faster, so much deeper than answers. You don't need to have the answer. Instead what if you sing? And what if you really listen to the songs of those around you?

Welcome back to the Summer Quote series of 2017! While I'm doing some prep work for future episodes and re-vamping things around the What If podcast, we're talking about some small nuggets of wisdom in the form of quotes. We started with Vince Lombardi and in the last few weeks, we're hearing from Maya Angelou. Today, you're getting a quote that while true, just made me laugh. It's not the quote itself that's funny, it's Dr. Angelou's no nonsense delivery. Here it is... "If we don't plant the right things, we will reap the wrong things. It goes without saying. And you don't have to be, you know, a brilliant biochemist and you don't have to have an IQ of 150. Just common sense tells you to be kind, ninny, fool. Be kind." There's an abundance of fools in this world and a definite lack of kindness. Be the person that plants kindness. I don't care what the others around you are putting out into the world, but you be the one planting kindness. If you need a little inspiration, here are 6 reasons Bruce Cryer gives to be kind: Kindness lifts our mood. Sincere kindness triggers a cascade of health-inducing biochemicals in our body, at least 1400...it makes us healthier. Kindness interrupts the stress cycle in both the giver and receiver. Kindness slows signs of aging. Kindness creates loyalty in interactions and relationships. Kindness just feels better. Because this is a short episode, I'm not going to elaborate on those. Just know that there are good reasons to be kind. But, I shouldn't have to give you those. "Just common sense tells you to be kind, ninny, fool. Be kind." How would your day change if you chose to be kind today?

Hey friends, welcome back to the summer quote series of 2017! We're in week four of 6 weeks of looking at small snippets of wisdom in the form of quotes. We've been working through some of Vince Lombardi's quotes, but I'm really struggling reconciling his approach to life with how I'm feeling this week. So, I'm switching horses mid-stream. When I asked a friend to give me a theme for the quotes this season, she first suggested Lombardi. And then followed that up with, "Or, Maya Angelou" I'm feeling a lot more Maya this week, so we'll spend the second half of the series working through few of her thoughts.   The first one is, "We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."    Defeat is not the same as defeated. The longer version of the quote goes on to tell us to get up after a defeat. That only by getting up after small defeats do we learn courage. Which is ridiculously ironic, because Vince Lombardi said, "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up." So, this is an appropriate transition quote that they both share.   Having the courage to get back up after being knocked down is a big deal. You're defeated only if you stay down or don't try again. But, what I really want to mention is a mindshift in thinking about defeat that helps to keep it from turning into defeated.   If your goal in life is to be successful, then all defeats will be very difficult to deal with. if your goal in life is to raise successful kids, then every defeat (both theirs and in your parenting) will be very difficult to deal with. If your goal is success then defeat is hard to handle.   But, what if your goal wasn't success? What if your goal is learning? If the goal is to learn, then every defeat is supremely valuable, because each defeat teaches us something valuable. It's not just semantics. Traveling through life with a focus on learning promotes a whole different lifestyle than one focused on success. This concept is probably worthy of a normal episode when I have a chance to talk about it longer, but for now, I'll just introduce the idea.   It's much easier to get back in the game after defeats if you're treating them as a valuable commodity for improvement than as a stumbling block in your path. What defeat are you experiencing as stumbling block that you could learn to see as a learning tool?   How could reframing your goal from success to learning help you on your journey?

Welcome back to the Summer Quote Series, which is a pared down and shortened up version of the podcast. We're taking 6 weeks or so to listen to some wisdom snippets from Vince Lombardi, the legendary coach of the Green Bay Packers. Since I've been in the workforce, teamwork has taken on a bigger and bigger role. It's become a buzzword and companies are restructuring all over the place into team frameworks. I admit. teams have been a hard sell for me. I'm naturally more of a loner. I'm generally self-directed. Give me a goal or project and I can go off and make it happen on my own. But, over the years, I've managed to get wiser as I've grown older. Teams produce better work. No matter how smart and capable I am, projects benefit from multiple viewpoints, multiple personality types and multiple inputs. With a good leader and/or good team dynamics, more and better work can be done in a team than one person can possibly accomplish alone. Lombardi said, “People who work together will win, whether it be against complex football defenses, or the problems of modern society.” Modern society has an awful lot of problems. And I'm not sure we're doing a very good job of working on them together. We have a nasty habit of villianizing those who hold a different viewpoint. I read an article this week, posted by one of my very, very liberal friends. It was a reader who had sent in a question in to a liberal writer explaining that his father was ultra conservative and they could no longer have a relationship because the dad was destroying the planet, destroying the country and destroying their relationship. What should he do? The article answered the questioner by saying that the letter, which had been really ugly and vicious, had reduced the father to a set of ideologies and that until we begin to see each other as people first, we'll make little headway on bridging the gap between differences of opinion. Bravo. Exactly. People who work together will win. Work gets done faster. Problems get solved better. Solutions are more creative. When people work together. Where in your life do you need collaboration? Do you need to start seeing people instead of ideologies? People who work together will win. Where do you need to win this week? What if we work together? What could we accomplish?

Welcome to the Summer Quote Series, which is a pared down and shortened up version of the podcast. We're taking 6 weeks or so to listen to some wisdom snippets and they're all going to be from Vince Lombardi, legendary coach of the Green Bay Packers. Last week we covered a quote about thoughts leading to character and I mentioned that I'd been having a difficult day inside my own head that day. I was having thoughts like, 'I have nothing of value to offer." "Things just aren't ever going to go right for me, even if I do what should make things go right." and feelings of being a failure. Now. I know. I intellectually understand, that those feelings aren't truth. However, when they start whispering to your heart, if you're not careful, they make a home there. I suffer periodic bouts of depression. Not typically deep, but semi-regularly. And my thought patterns change when it happens. I can sense it come on and I can tell when it's going away simply because of the way my brain functions. I didn't think this was a depressive episode. I thought it was triggered by some outside circumstances related to my business and income. But, speaking those thoughts out loud, it could be a bit of both. Reading Lombardi's quotes about high performance and winning are anti-motivational to me in this frame of mind. Plus, I'm not a fan of couching life in terms of winning and losing. However, he existed among high performing people his whole life, knew the subject and thought about it more than most of us. Here's a Lombardi quote that's a good reminder and doesn't feel de-motivating at the moment. “Don't succumb to excuses. Go back to the job of making the corrections and forming the habits that will make your goal possible.” This is one of the tactics I use to get my head on straight again when circumstances derail me. Excuses benefit no one. I don't like to hear them from my suppliers when something goes wrong at work. I don't like to hear them from my son. And I can't tolerate them in my own head. Step one is looking past our tendency to camp out in the land of excuses. Don't accept that of yourself. When we make excuses, we tend to stop, set up tents, settle in and start sharing excuses to anyone who stops by to warm their hands by the campfire. Don't do it. But step two is to get back to work. Doing the work is what gets us where we need to go. Stop with the excuses. Instead, make corrections. Get your thoughts in line to form the habits that will help you reach your goals. Do you camp out in the land of excuses? Or, do you make corrections and work at forming the habits you need to succeed?

If you missed last week's episode, I'm taking some time off for the next month or so and am going to do some abbreviated episodes without the artwork, worksheets or Coffee Talk emails. Welcome to the summer quote series where I'll share someone else's little bit of wisdom to to encourage you on a path to growth I chose all the quotes last weekend and sat down to write up a few episodes tonight and it just felt flat. But because writers write even when they feel flat, I decided to narrow my focus and switch quotes. So, I asked a regular listener for a theme and she gave me Vince Lombardi. Gotta love my girlfriends who share my love for football, right? So, for the next six weeks, we'll see what Coach Lombardi has to offer up. If I was doing this in advance, I'd have read a biography on Lombardi's life, but the point of this exercise is to buy me some time, not give me another project or book to read. After all, I just cleaned an 18" high stack of books off my table this morning that I haven't had a chance to read. So, as much as it pains me, I'm going to ignore context and just deal with the quotes at face value. Here's the first. “Winning is a habit. Watch your thoughts, they become your beliefs. Watch your beliefs, they become your words. Watch your words, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character.” To pull out the progression in case you missed it, it went like this:  thoughts lead to beliefs lead to words lead to actions lead to habits lead to character. thoughts > beliefs > words > actions > habits > character Your thoughts are incredibly important. They start the whole progression leading to character. If you want good character, you're sabotaging yourself if your thoughts aren't healthy. I'm coming back the morning after I started this and editing before recording. And I'm having a really discouraging day. My thoughts have been more toxic than helpful today. So. That needs to change. At every step Lombardi says "watch." Watch your thoughts, watch your beliefs, watch your words...at every step along the way, "watch." Too many of us waltz (or trudge) through life without evaluating what we're doing. Without watching any of those things. I'm watching where my thoughts are headed today and it's straight down a path to defeatism and hopelessness. But, noticing that, I can work at fixing it. Winning is a habit. We think of it as an achievement. But many of the things that we consider achievements are really the end product of right thoughts. Where are your thoughts leading you? Is that where you want to go?

I love stories. We all do. We're hardwired to react to them. But, I really get hooked into them. I can't deal with an audio book, TV or anything that could be construed as even a micro story on when I'm trying to think or fall asleep. Even song lyrics will engage and distract me from whatever I'm trying to do. I'm also very visual. Movies, in their larger than life visual and auditory immersive storytelling, really affect me. I don't think I'm quite normal in this. Maybe it's because I never have time to watch TV anymore, so I'm no longer desensitized. Maybe it's because I've become more available emotionally as I get older (and smarter). Maybe it's because I'm just wired that way, I'm not sure. But, I have to be kind of careful these days about what movies I see and when I go. They can wreck me for days. I went to see Wonder Woman last Monday night with a friend and her daughter. Someone later asked me if it was a fun evening and I answered, "Well. I guess so." That seems like a weird response to a movie that's a fun, summer comic-based, hero movie. But, it really got to me. It's not a heart-wrencher. It's not a scary, horror show. I'm really glad I went. But, fun seems lighthearted and it wasn't a lighthearted night for me. I share things that are on my mind each week, the things I'm processing through in my life. I have a lot going on my head right now, I'm struggling with some big questions about my future. And I was going to share about those this week, but instead, I'd rather chat about Wonder Woman. First, let me say that I've always been a Wonder Woman fan. I have a pair of Havianna Wonder Woman flip flops that a dog bit through the strap and I still wear them duct taped together, because I love them. One of my close friends has a vintage, sequined Wonder Woman t-shirt that I've coveted for something like 20 years. Every so often I go hunting Ebay for something similar and I strike out, which is so frustrating! But, also know I'm a very casual fan. I'm not a rabid comic, DC and Marvel follower. I love them, their history and the new realm of superhero movies, I enjoy that stuff, but I don't do cosplay, I'm not really a fangirl and I'm not here to talk about authenticity of the character, the movie or even the quality of the film making. I never watch a movie as a critic, Actually, I try to never read a book, eat a meal or listen to a friend as a critic. That's a whole 'nother podcast, perhaps. I think if you're busy looking for things to evaluate and tear down, you miss the experience of it. So, this isn't meant as a typical review, just a few things the movie made me think about. A Strong Lead Unafraid To Be Herself First, I'm a strong female character, and unfortunately, I've spent my whole life being hyper aware of how that affects other people. And spending a significant amount of energy pulling back on the reins in order to make my way in the world. Maybe that's why, but I love seeing strong female leads in stories and movies. It somehow seems to authenticate the fact that some females are created to be strong leads in life. But, here's what I liked most about Gal Gardot's Wonder Woman:  she was unafraid. Unafraid of who she is. Unafraid to jump into a new, unfamiliar world. Unafraid of speaking her mind. Unafraid to share her opinions and world view. Undaunted by others' positions and authority. Unfazed by obstacles. Undaunted by the staggering amount of what she didn't know. Maybe naive is a word you would use, and maybe that's true. But, regardless. She stepped forward unafraid and undaunted. Believing in herself and in her purpose. That's inspiring. And strong. And I loved it. Helping The People In Front Of You A lot has been written about the No Man's Land scene. In the words of Director Patty Jenkins, when she was arguing for the scene not to be cut, "This is a scene about her becoming Wonder Woman." And it is. It's the best part of the movie. Seeing Diana come into her own and understand her mission is both beautiful and inspiring. But I loved it for another reason. If you haven't seen the movie, there is a series of scenes in the middle of the film where she and her group are on their quest toward destroying the Germans' new weapons. They get to a point where they're in the trenches in an area that has seen action but no change for a year and there's a French village caught in the middle. Diana, (Wonder Woman) wants to stop and help the people of the village who are starving. Those she's with insist that she can't. She can't do anything to help. It's not their mission. They don't have time. They don't have resources. They can't save everyone. They can't cross No Man's Land. They need to stay on mission and complete the task they're working towards. But, Diana disagreed. People are her mission. She takes time out of her schedule to help the people right in front of her who need help. I hope I never need to make my way across a no man's land into a nest of German artillery. But, I hope and pray that every day as I work down my to-do list and I rock my schedule...that every moment, I remember that people are the most important thing. And that when someone comes across my path that I can help, encourage or love on. That I take the time to do that. That I see with a heart that remembers that priority. That acknowledges with words and deeds that the people in my path are more important than my task list and my schedule. Love Prevails In the climactic moments of the movie, in her final fight scene with Ares, Diana has a mini speech about the human race. I'm going to seriously paraphrase here: That yes, we humans have darkness in us. Anger, pride, jealously, cruelty, arrogance and a whole host of other awful things. But, there is more, much more than that. We also have great capacity to love and the key to fighting hatred is love. It was a bit cheesy, but this is a superhero movie. There are moments in a few movies that as I watch them, they just reverberate through my heart as Truth with a capital T. And this is one of those moments. Friends, Love wins. Only love can win. Hate can clash with hate and strength can prevail. But, hatred cannot destroy hatred. Only love can do that. Unfortunately, special effects, kicking enemy butt all over Europe and superhuman strength, speed and amazing truth-inducing lasso's aren't the kind of love that overcomes hatred in real life. It's too bad, because that glowing lasso could be really fun. In real life, it's the difficult. Sacrificial. Gritty. When-it-hurts. When-it's-not-popular. Inconvenient kind of love that melts hatred. So, let the truth that love overcomes hate echo in your heart and inspire you. But, remember that the hard work of that truth is what is really meaningful to your neighbors, social circle, critics, enemies and community. Look for the opportunities to love people in your path. Not just the easy people. But the ones that are hard to love. In situations that are hard to love. When there is no reason to, other than, love melts hatred and heals hearts. Episode Artwork You can see that I cheated on the artwork this week. It's a quote set on one of my painted papers. At least I used my own painted background, right? First I wanted to do a piece about love conquering hate and then I wanted to do a cool piece of Wonder Woman. But, the time I had set aside for podcast art this week got eaten up by doing some things in love for other people. And I'm ok with that. I made a choice that the people in front of me were more important than getting a particular type of piece done for this episode. So. I'm practicing what I'm preaching today! Emma Stone's quote, "I can't think of any better representation of beauty than someone who is unafraid to be herself. " seemed to fit today. I believe there are a few other important components of beauty that Emma didn't mention, but it certainly seemed to fit this episode. If you haven't seen the movie, go see it while you can still catch it on the big screen. What's Coming Up I also want to give you a quick heads up about what's coming down the pike on my show. I'm going to be taking a break for about six weeks. I'll release a short episode, based on a quote, each week. Probably just a few minutes instead of my typical 8 - 10 minute episodes. The artwork will be the quote similar to this week and there will be no daily Coffee Talk. I will be in touch on Monday's with the new episode and a few thoughts if you're used to getting to the episode that way, but it will be one email a week until Labor Day-ish when I'll kick off a new season. What am I going to do with all that time off? Well, I'm going to get those six episodes together, then take a week or maybe 2 weeks completely off. After that, I'll be working on the upcoming episodes in advance, some episodes for times when I'm sick or have an emergency, a few new writing projects and re-thinking how I approach the podcast and what I need to change or revise. So, if you have any thoughts on that...what you love, what you really don't care about, what you really wish I'd change, feel free to get in touch by email at  or the audio voice recorder on the side of my website. I probably should spend some of that time updating my website too. But, as it is, all the sudden it's sounding like I need way more than a month off! Episode Downloads Want to process the ideas in this podcast further? Download the Coffee Talk Worksheet or put this week's art on your phone:  Episode 42 Downloads

There are a few things I've done in my adult life that have totally shifted my perspective. Having a child is one of those things. Elizabeth Stone said, “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” And that's very true. Having a child changes your perspective on life in every way possible. Moving to another part of the country and travel has shifted my perspective. Making your way in a new place, learning a new culture, meeting all types of people changes you. My divorce shifted my perspective, on my marriage, on the people around me, on my life and on myself. I was an adult when I became a Christian; when I put my trust in the saving grace of Jesus Christ. That's a serious perspective shift and, like becoming a mother, has changed every area of my life. But, there are smaller, less momentous shifts that have happened as well. I got about halfway through studying and training to be a pilot. Pilots have a whole different perspective of time and distance. While for me right now, a beach visit only makes sense for a long weekend. It's a trip. But for a pilot, it's a jaunt. It's an easy flight for dinner and a sunset. Most people can't imagine that kind of perspective on time and distance and how it shifts the possible. I recently experienced another of those perspective shifts when I began to study and practice mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness has a lot of benefits. Studies have shown it can reduce stress, improve working memory, improve attention and focus, reduce emotional reactivity, foster more cognitive flexibility, reduce rumination and depressive symptoms and foster empathy and compassion. There are a lot of other claims with weaker empirical evidence. But, really, the studies on PTSD symptoms were enough to get me interested in trying it. One of the most interesting things to me is that the payoff and benefits don't require years of practice, And, I've found that to be true in my own life. Mindfulness meditation is like a workout for your brain. It's training your mind. And I found a difference in myself in 20 minutes a day, several days a week. The perspective shift for me happened when I realized that I have a choice about how I deal with my thoughts and emotions. I can choose my responses to them. They don't have to control my day, my attitude or my responses to others or to my circumstances. We typically spend our days reacting automatically to the things that happen around us and to us. We allow circumstances to control whether or not we have a good day. Rebecca Norrington has a good description of this, saying, "a below-average golf game, an inconsiderate driver, the weather, your health, a rude cashier, a forgetful spouse, an anorexic bank account. These things, according to you, determine what type of day you're having. I've labeled countless days “bad” or “good” depending on what's “happened” to me. Sound familiar?" You've probably lived this way. What determines whether or not you have a good day? A good season? A good year? We don't have to let our circumstances define our lives. What if I told you that your circumstances have nothing to do with whether or not you have a good or bad day? Your choices do. Last week, I talked about the difference between reacting and responding. The fundamental difference between reacting and responding is a conscious, intentional choice. And I told you that this week I'd get practical and share some ways to help you learn to respond instead of react. Here's the pattern to remember and to practice. And because I'm a fan of alliteration, the three steps all start with the letter "P." Pay attention Pause Pick a response Let's talk about each step. Pay attention. Practice noticing when you're reacting versus responding. Practice noticing what invokes quick reactions. Pay attention to how you react in different situations. Pay attention to what gets you emotional. The first step toward making intentional choices is paying attention to when we need to make those choices. Most of us carry on internal conversations all day long without really paying attention to what's being said. Start noticing. Start paying attention. Pause. Practice using a pause. It can be your best friend. Just because we have an internal thought, feeling, or reaction doesn't mean we need to react immediately. This is a game changer, friends. I live in an area where ticks are rampant. You know, those disgusting little creatures that latch onto your skin, bite you, take your blood and can leave debilitating diseases in return. And they don't just jump off when they've bitten, they hang out gorging themselves on your life essence until they've transformed into a creature resembling something more like a mini balloon with waving whisker legs than a bug. They're absolutely disgusting. And can cause very serious harm. In the Spring, early in the season, when we find one, we tend to yelp, panic, flail around, brushing at both real and imaginary bugs. By midsummer, even the kids are calmly asking where the tweezers are and just pulling them off and dropping them in the alcohol jar to die. We can learn not to react. We can learn to pause and let rational thought take control. That pause can be short or long depending on the circumstance. The point is not to be slow in responding, the point is to always be thoughtful. Having an interruption in your reaction cycle is invaluable. In the article, Responding vs. Reacting, J. Loeks writes: The act of responding requires one to look at the circumstance, identify the problem or situation, hear what is happening and reflect. That reflection can be for a moment, five seconds, one hour, two days or longer. The time frame doesn't matter. What matters is that you stopped and put an effort to think and suspended judgment. It is a conscious act and shows that you are willing to listen or observe. This ‘gap' between the circumstance and your behavior is what contributes to gaining a sense of control in your life. Once a person can identify that in responding they actually have a choice in the matter, he/she will start to realize that they are able to make better decisions. The key is that pause. If the situation requires an immediate action, then just take a deep breath first. This alone can help one gain a semblance of control and make one choose an alternative statement or action that can make a big difference in an outcome of a situation. Pick a response. Now that you've paused, you've gained time to choose how to respond. You buy time to shape your perspective. How do you want to live your life? What kind of choices and reactions do you want to be known for? Kind ones? Cultivate picking kind responses. Ethical? Compassionate? Wise? Loving? Cultivate picking ethical, compassionate, wise or loving responses. You always have an array of choices before you. Our initial reactions lead us to believe that there's only one appropriate response to any given event, stimulus or circumstance, the one that happens automatically. But, that's just not true. There are always options. You have the power to pick. Pay Attention. Pause. Pick a response. Episode Artwork When we filter our reactions through a pause, they become clearer, more focused; they become a choice. You may choose to express the exact same emotions in a response that you would in a reaction, but you are able to choose how they're expressed. Yellow, red, white and black are all present in both the background and foreground of this piece, but in the background, they're muddled, messy, uncontrolled. In the foreground, in the version filtered through the pause, I chose their placement, the expression of their color in in shape, pattern. location, size and repetition. The pause is made up of more than one layer. You may need more than one pause to find your best response and you'll certainly need more than one to practice this. It's not second nature. This week, I took a photo Monday afternoon at a waterfall and I posted on Facebook. That evening, an acquaintance took my photo and posted it in a Facebook group that we both happen to be a part of. I suspect she didn't know I was in the group and she didn't claim to have taken the photo herself, but if there's one thing sure to get an angry reaction from a professional photographer, take one of their photos and use it without their permission. Now, I'm no longer a professional and this was a snapshot. But, still. Word to the uninformed: If you didn't take a photo and don't have permission to use it...just don't use it. I wasn't really angry, but I was definitely annoyed. She absolutely could have asked my permission and she didn't. So, I got to practice paying attention, pausing and picking a response. I noticed I was annoyed and I waited a few hours to respond. I'm not sure I chose the best response, but it certainly was better than had I responded immediately. We react automatically to most of our lives. To countless things every day. But, we don't have to. One advantage of being human is that we get to choose. Practice that ability. Episode Downloads Want to process the ideas in this podcast further? Download the Coffee Talk Worksheet or put this week's art on your phone:  Episode 41 Downloads

The weather over this Independence Day in Southern Tennessee was designed to make camping-haters out of anyone who wasn't already in love with camping. I'm already in love with camping. But, my son is on the fence and my nephew is inexperienced. We got an extra-generous dose of constant swarms of mosquitoes, torrential downpours, flooded campsites and major lightning and thunderstorms. But, it didn't rain the whole time. Wednesday, it was warm and sunny. Really warm. Really, really warm: 96 with a heat index of 114 warm. And the dew point was about 80. So, breathing was enough to make you sweat profusely. I had them hiking all over the place. I had enough layers of sweat and bug spray on to make me ten pounds heavier. Did I mention I brought my dog along on his first camping trip, too? I did! My pup who, as a boxer, is susceptible to heat problems and is terrified of thunderstorms. Yes, this trip had all the ingredients of a miserable time. Except for one thing. Everyone chose a good attitude. I'm not saying the kids were perfect, they definitely were over the whole getting in and out of the car and walking around the national park long before I was. And I'm not saying I loved every moment of trying to cook dinner and keep a camp stove going with an umbrella in the pouring rain while a scared boxer tried to climb up my leg. But, we just dealt with it. We all looked beyond the circumstances and chose our response. What makes me even more proud of them for it, is that I never (not even once) had to tell them to choose a good attitude. And we had a great time. Air conditioning and a dry change of clothes felt really good by the time we got home, but the trip was a really fun adventure instead of an ordeal. Because we chose to treat it that way.  Choosing your attitude is something we can do in any circumstance. There are enough memes around to remind us that we're in charge of how we respond to our days. But, I want to take it one step further today. We have the choice in all things to choose to react or respond. Reacting is automatic. It's driven from emotion, instinct, past experience, and external circumstances. It usually results in drama, and stress. Responding on the other hand means that you choose. You notice the stimulus or the reaction and you choose a (hopefully better) response. We react out of instinct all day long. We react to drivers who cut us off in traffic. We react to a perceived insult from a coworker. We react to a smell that takes us back to middle school. We react to a phone call that interrupts our train of thought. We react to a social media post of someone with an opposing viewpoint. We react to a bug bite. We react to a food we've tried before and not liked. We spend all day reacting. And a lot of what we react to is automatic. Without thought. Without choice. Because if we took the time to choose our responses, they might differ from our automatic reactions. Let's say you're driving on the same road I'm wanting to turn on and I cut you off by pulling out in front of you. Not so close that you have to slam on the brakes and it's dangerous, but enough to make you slow down a bit and interrupt your traffic flow. How would you react? What if I told you that my grandmother that raised me just died and I'm headed to the funeral home to talk about arrangements for her burial. What if I told you that I was just leaving the vet after putting my dog down. None of those happen to be true today. But, I don't have the ability to process depth perception like most people. My eyes don't work together to have binocular depth cues. Only monocular ones like things farther away are smaller. I've learned to adapt over the years, and I'm typically extra cautious, but I do make mistakes, especially when I'm tired or distracted. So, it's entirely possible that I might pull out in front of you, causing you to have to slow down slightly when I thought I had plenty of time, but I accidentally misjudged the distance. My point is that there might be reasons for any given stimulus that might change your perspective of the event. So. how would you react? Swearing? Irritation? Yelling at me? Disgust? Mild or not so mild commentary on my driving skills? So, if you would react in those ways, what do those responses add to your day? Stress? Drama? Angst? What if you choose to assume it was a mistake? Chose to extend the benefit of the doubt? What if you chose to not respond at all? After all, it's not something you can change. How would not responding, simply noticing and choosing to move on change the tenor of your drive? Victor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” What if you stop reacting? What if you choose to respond in a compassionate way? In a way that spread kindness instead of anger? In a way that contributed calm instead of drama? In a way that builds up and encourages instead of tears down and discourages? In a way that you choose instead of in a way circumstances, previous experience, fear or assumptions choose for you? What if you took control over your reactions? Episode Artwork This week's piece is about the conflict between reacting and responding. Reacting is the warm colors. The flames of reactions that ignite trouble so easily. The cool blues represent responding and how it has the power to calm situations. For me, it seems, I react about as often as I choose to respond. I want that proportion to change. We'll talk about how to do that next week! Episode Downloads Want to process the ideas in this podcast further? Download the Coffee Talk Worksheet or put this week's art on your phone:  Episode 40 Downloads

I hope your Independence Day weekend is filled with the five F's of a great Fourth of July holiday: Family, Friends, Fun, Food and Fireworks. But, More than any of those. I hope it's filled with a soul-deep appreciation of another F. Freedom. I hope your appreciation extends deeper than an inspirational Facebook or Instagram post. I hope it's more lasting than a patriotic profile picture. I hope it means more than thankfulness for a shorter work week and a cold beer. I hope it's sweeter than that dessert you shouldn't have another helping of. Freedom is a multi-layered concept and it doesn't mean what our culture sometimes believes it to mean. Freedom is not a pound-your-chest, prideful statement. Freedom is a privilege, one that requires character to use wisely. Freedom is not an excuse for inexcusable behavior. And, It's not the license to do whatever you want. Freedom offers the ability and the responsibility to do the right thing. Freedom is not the ability to say whatever you choose. Freedom is the ability to choose to speak that which empowers, builds up, creates justice or mercy...whether or not others agree with you. Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment can come from from within, from authority or because you hold a position of strength. Freedom is the ability to choose your destiny. Freedom is not entitlement. It's not the right to have or experience whatever you want. Freedom is the ability to choose to create a life you desire. Freedom is not a never-ending stream of rights, it's your right to sovereignty over your own life. Freedom is never free. It's always purchased and paid for, in our case, by someone else. Let that sink in. Another generation paid for your freedom with their sacrifice of family, business, safety, comfort and lives. Freedom is not a black and white concept, not an absolute. There are degrees of freedom. It's is a relative concept. Our struggle is to find ways to maximize individual freedom while living in a cooperative society under the rule of law. Freedom is the heartbeat of the refugee and the immigrant. Freedom is the dream of oppressed peoples everywhere. You have this dream, so desperately coveted by those who don't have it. They will fight, die, sacrifice their livelihood and their lives to obtain it for themselves and their families. You live this reality they'd die for. Don't take that lightly. Obtaining freedom and living in freedom, neither are not for the faint of heart. So, cherish that which you have and treat it as a precious gift, but use it wisely and frequently. Episode Artwork In the artwork this week is a figure. You might think that he's embracing freedom, and he is. His arms are outstretched to welcome all that freedom brings. In the United States, we think of freedom so often in terms of the Red, White and Blue. And our nation and therefore our colors do certainly represent it. But if you look more closely, there are lots of other colors in that image. Greens, Yellows, Browns, Purples...we in this country don't have a monopoly on freedom. But what we have is ours to share, both within and outside of our borders. But, the figure isn't only embracing freedom. He's upholding it. The constitution supports his arms in a firm foundation, but the weight of freedom rests on him. It's his responsibility. Ronald Reagan said, "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same." What if you truly understood and appreciated the gift of freedom you've been given? What would you do with it? Have a very happy Independence Day, my friends! Episode Downloads Want to process the ideas in this podcast further? Download the Coffee Talk Worksheet or put this week's art on your phone:  Episode 39 Downloads

My son has always loved Legos. Which is great, because they're a mom-approved toy in our household. Heartily endorsed. I loved Legos as a kid and I love them as a mom. His dad and I are divorced and while the reason has nothing to do with Legos, this shows a difference between our approaches to life. At my house, Legos are stored in big bins and are to play with. Once something's built, which generally takes about 10-20 minutes, my son will take it apart and store all the pieces together with all his other pieces. We do have all the instructions in case he ever wants to put a set together again the way it was sold. But, I'm not sure that's ever happened. Instead, he and his friends make up whatever fantastical creation they want to and then all the parts go back into the bin when they're done. At his dad's house, however, Legos are to put together and display. You follow the directions, assemble the unit and then it stays together on a shelf to admire. A good skill to have, the direction-following, just not where I see the most value in the toy bricks. However, it is how I came to be driving from Indiana to Tennessee yesterday with my car packed to the gills with plastic tubs of assembled Lego structures. His dad wants them to live at my house now and made me promise that they stay assembled. I'm not sure actually I promised that, but there they are all loaded into my car and taking up a surprising amount of room. Like, every single inch of my Forester. At some point in the drive Cody was messing with one of the builds, probably repairing something that had come apart when we loaded the car. And he remarked at how many he has. And he's right, there were a lot. But what was interesting was the conversation that ensued. "Mom, I have an awful lot of Legos don't I?" "Yes, you sure do." "I kind of feel spoiled looking at them all." Long pause. "Mom, am I spoiled?" Actually, yes. You certainly are. We all are. We live in a place in which we're far more privileged than most of the rest of the world. While there are issues with poverty here, and while we're certainly not a wealthy family, you and I, when compared with most of the rest of the world, live in extreme comfort. You have more toys, more food, more privacy, more opportunities, more space and more comfort than others. You don't really hurt for anything. If you want something, you can either work for it, or I can buy it. Not that you have everything you want, but you have so much more than most. In some respect, that's a disadvantage to you. You don't have to try as hard. You don't have to be as creative, as resourceful and as scrappy. However, that being said, spoiled is also an attitude. You can choose to act spoiled or not to. There are ways to have things and not be spoiled. This conversation about stuff, while short, was really important. I told you last week I was releasing my hold on my stuff. I'm in the midst of a radical closet purge. Trying to get rid of enough things that I can eliminate nine lineal feet of dresser space and still fit everything easily in a 6' reach-in closet. I'm well on the way there. Ever since that I release moment, it's been pretty easy to get rid of things. There have been a few instances in my life where I felt an internal switch flip. This was one of those moments. I'm done being a slave to stuff. I want to look in my closet, my room and my home and feel expansiveness, space, clarity, adventure, ease and freedom. I want to know that what I have is used, valued and useful, but held loosely. I've also been doing Whole30 this month. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's essentially a real food short term elimination diet. That means I've cut out all sugar, grains, beans, processed food, alcohol and dairy for the month. When I talk to someone who's never heard of it, I can see them calculating and their eyes getting big as they think about what they ate in the last few days and the implications set in. Basically, I eat meat, eggs, vegetables and some fruit and seeds and nuts and healthy fats like coconut, avocado and olives. All real food. For 30 days. Most people look at me like I'm crazy. No soda? No desserts? No cheese? No...whatever their food vice of choice is? Nope. How can you do that? I could never do that! Well, sure you could. First of all, it's only 30 days. Second, unless I'm in the midst of a cookie or chip or ice cream craving (which does happen occasionally), I don't see it as deprivation. But, when I tell someone that, I get more incredulous looks. How can you possibly not see it as deprivation? I'll give you an example. I went camping this month. It was a retreat getaway with a friend and I wanted her to feel spoiled and pampered. She's in that toddlers-at-home and work-full-time phase of life and just needed a break from her world for a few days. So, I planned and cooked. When I sent her the menu, her response was, "Wow, we're going to eat like queens!" We had chicken fajita bowls, grilled sweet potato wedges tossed with salt and lime zest, grilled peaches, an egg scramble with chorizo, peppers, onions and potatoes, pulled pork lettuce wraps with avocado aoili, steak and herb roasted potatoes and cinnamon cooked apples and pears. This is good food, friends. This isn't deprivation. I don't feel deprived. I feel protected from all the chemicals and fake stuff I've eaten for years and years. And I feel better than I ever have before. I've told you three stories today. My son's Lego question about being spoiled, my closet purge and how I've eaten this month. I'm struck by how we tend to fight against limitation. Don't put limits on me. Don't tell me what I can and can't do. And voluntarily live within limits? Unthinkable. I want you to understand that the constraints on your life aren't the problem. They aren't spoiling your life. They aren't limiting your freedom, happiness and contentment. Only you can do that. Only you can limit your happiness and contentment. Constraints actually allow us to prosper. Guard rails are there not to limit your freedom, but to protect your course. Within constraints, creativity flourishes. It's not about how many Legos my son owns or doesn't own. It's the conversations about how he relates to the things he owns that's crucial. It's not about how much I purge from my closet or my home. It's about the things that stay and my attitude towards them. Do I clench them tightly or are they held loosely? Do I control them or do they control me? It's not about what I can't eat. It's about what I choose to put in my body and why. It's not about the limitations in your life. It's about your life within whatever limitations are present. Quit spending your energy fighting the limitations. Whether they're emotional, relational, financial, career or something else. In the immortal words of Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge and with a nod of great respect to all US Marines. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. Look at what you do have. What is possible. Find options. Create freely and wildly. Live gloriously within whatever limitations you have chosen or been given. Life can be had there. But, you need to choose to live it. [Tweet "It's not about the limitations in your life. It's about your life within whatever limitations are present."] Episode Artwork This week's piece is called Sea Glass. I set some limitations on how I went about it. I keep my painted paper for collage in a 10 drawer rolling cabinet. I had my son choose a number corresponding to a paper drawer. I could only use pieces from that drawer and only straight lines. He happened to choose one of the drawers with the least amount of variety which made it harder. What's interesting is that last week, I had no limitations. Anything goes. No initial plan. No rules. Intuition only. This week, with the limitations I set, I struggled less and enjoyed the process more. Whether it's a better piece is a whole different discussion. There are some limitations that are really difficult. I have a friend who will be in cancer treatments for the rest of her life. And she's having to deal with finding a new normal and living within new physical limitations. Not all limitations are as easy as my closet and my food. I understand that. But, whatever yours are. What if you took your eyes off the limitation and focused instead on life? Episode Downloads Want to process the ideas in this podcast further? Download the Coffee Talk Worksheet or put this week's art on your phone:  Episode 38 Downloads

We create a vast construct of our lives. A towering city of activities, accomplishments, commitments, relationships, interests, purchases, habits, work and plans. We strive very hard to maintain it all. And to keep building. Some of it we love. Some of it we need. Some of it we aren't that fond of. Some mistakes we wish we could demolish. Some of it's our idea, but some of it comes from others' expectations. Some of it comes from our own expectations. Some of those expectations change over time. Or, they should, but we're so busy building and maintaining the vast city that we don't take time to review what we really should be building. What happens if the city grows in a direction you don't really love, because you didn't control the growth? What happens if the city is stripped away? What happens if it becomes to big to handle? When you step back from your life for a moment...how does it look with the perspective a little distance gives? How much of it matters? How much of it would you change if you could? I've practiced yoga off and on for years. More off than on, but the last two years I've been more consistent and it makes a huge difference in my mental and physical health. One of the things I enjoy doing periodically is going through Adriene Mishler's 30 day sequences. I've done them each several times and I'm in the middle of one again now. This sequence, is called Yoga Camp. It includes a mantra along with each day's practice. The mantras are generally not that meaningful to me. There's nothing wrong with them, it just doesn't resonate all that much for me. I know they affect others differently. But, the other day, for some reason, one just really hit me hard. Adriene's mantra was "I release." I'm not sure if it's the years of restlessness in my work coming to a head. If it's thinking about traveling light like I talked about a few weeks ago. Maybe it's working with refugees in Greece recently. Maybe it's summer and having fewer responsibilities. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's a whole bunch of those things coming together at one time. But, "I release" really struck a chord. I sat a on my yoga mat for a good long while and the things I need to release just washed over me. I'm ready to release my long held expectations of what my life would and should be. And those expectations that have come more recently...what my life will be. I'm ready to release the "should's" that tend to guide my path. I'm ready to release my constant need to become...something else. I'm ready to release my need to be perfect. I'm ready to release my need to be in constant control. Not of others, but of myself, my actions and my emotions. I'm ready to release anything I own. I'm ready to release the need to succeed as a measure of worth. I'm ready to stop trying so hard and just be. I'm ready to walk into what's next with a clean slate and space to grow into. Releasing things...letting things go that no longer serve us...old hurts for example, can be a difficult process. Even if we want to let go, it can be hard. This decision--the "I choose to release" part is only a first step. Episode Artwork This week's art started with me thinking like an illustrator. I was thinking about the idea of carrying all these things that we really need to let go. It's like carrying a backpack full of heavy rocks around with us everywhere we go. Or, if you've more than a backpack full, it's like dragging a wagon of them around with you. But, I just couldn't get started with that piece. Which is a problem, because I'm headed out camping this weekend and I need to get this done a few days earlier than usual! I'm struggling with art right now. And having been out of the studio for a month makes the situation worse. So, instead of the backpack and rocks piece, I started one that's much different. Much less literal. More intuitive. More difficult. And released it from the need to be good. I decided to just get in and paint while sitting with the ideas from this podcast. It became a Pushme--Pullyou piece about freedom and captivity. So, here's the question for you today. How would you finish the sentence, "I release...?" Episode Downloads Want to process the ideas in this podcast further? Download the Coffee Talk Worksheet or put this week's art on your phone:  Episode 37 Downloads