Podcasts about five secrets

Teen Troubles? Don't Freak Out! Featuring Dr. Taylor Chesney Today, we are thrilled to welcome Dr. Taylor Chesney to our podcast on troubled teens—what actually works! Taylor has been on a number of previous podcasts, and has been a beloved member of the TEAM community for many years! We were lucky to have her here in person as a member of our weekly TEAM CBT training group for several years until she and her husband finally returned home to New York in 2014 where she established her booming clinical practice working with kids and teens. She and her husband, Gregg, have four children of their own, ranging from 11 to 2 ½, so she brings a great deal of practical experience to complement her brilliant technical skills. Taylor will teach us how parents can deal effectively with troubled and impulsive and often smelly and irritating teens. I think you will find her message highly practical and inspiring, and perhaps the opposite of the ways you may have reacted to frustrating teenagers in the past. She says her goal is to help parents feel more confident in dealing with their teens and to teach them how to develop greater teamwork, love and understanding by integrating the Five Secrets of Effective Communication into their daily parenting toolkit. She says that “teen brains are different. They act out impulsively when angry, and can be hard to tolerate at times, or even often.” The goal is to learn to see the world through their eyes, and to become comfortable with being uncomfortable with their behavior. Remember that teens are supposed to be irritable and angry as they grow more and more independent, which is healthy. Compared to an adult brain that is more developed, has better impulse control, and “should be” able to tolerate emotions better. She thinks that parents can often do a great deal more than a shrink, especially if the parents are willing to learn how to listen and connect more effectively with their children. She says, “teen brains are changing constantly. Teens are frustrating. They are angry, disorganized, and want more than anything to spend time with their friends. They often complain, and might say that a party they went to was “lame and it sucked because the parents were there, constantly hanging around. They don't trust us!” Don't argue or contradict them, or try to teach them “good lessons”. Instead use Thought Empathy, Feeling Empathy, and Disarming. Summarize their words and feelings, and find truth in what they are saying. For example, you might say, “That does sound disappointing, having the parents there supervising all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if you feel frustrated and ticked off.” You want them to talk! And they WILL talk if you listen instead of trying to fix or control them. Suppose your teen says, “My teacher sucks. I turned my homework in late, so he deducted 5 points. But I was up late helping my friend on the phone, and I forgot.” You could say, “That sounds super frustrating. I know how much you care about your friends, and would do anything to help them out. It sounds super frustrating that you got marked down on your homework. I know that school is super important to you, too.” In other words, your goal is to provide support and warmth, rather than trying to discipline or scold them. They want to please you, but if you put them down when they are complaining, that will push them away and will cast a shadow on your relationships with them. You'll get frustrated and the tension will escalate, and you may end up shouting at them in exasperation. Then you'll get down on yourself as well, and you may feel like a bad mom or a bad dad. Taylor points out that if we can't model calmness at those moments of tension, then our kids won't learn how to be calm in the midst of conflict, either. They'll just learn to shout and argue—the very behavior that you're modeling. Suppose you ask them to do the dishes, but 30 minutes later they still haven't started. They got distracted. The idea is to use “Gentle Parenting,” showing some patience, warmth and understanding instead of flying off the handle. This does NOT mean giving in, but rather showing kindness when you have to remind them to do their chores. You might say, “I know you've got so much going on, and it can be hard to keep up with everything.” Your kids will become more and more independent as they gradually evolve from grammar school, where they are highly dependent on you, to middle school and then to high school. During this process, you gradually evolve from being highly controlling and protective to being more of an influencer and creating a loving relationship, a friendship, with your child. At the same time that you attend to changes in your “outer dialogue” with your child, it's important to notice your “inner dialogue.” This refers to the way you talk to yourself about our child, and these messages can sometimes be huge barriers to using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. For example, if you tell yourself that your child is “bad,” this may trigger strong feelings of anger and resentment which will make it vastly more difficult, or almost impossible, to use the Five Secrets. Taylor reminds us that “if you can't or won't learn to see the world through your children's eyes, you are essentially rejecting them and their world, and you will not be able to connect with them. But many parents resist or reject this strategy for a variety of reasons. For example, you may confuse empathy with being weak, or giving with giving in. You may be afraid that if you empathize, your children will walk all over you and run wild. But in point of fact, if you yell and lose your cool, you've lost the battle. You simply cannot force them to go to sleep, or to eat what you want them to eat, or to do what you want them to do. And if you fight your battle at the height of the conflict, when the negative feelings are their most intense, you lower the odds of success dramatically. Give them the message of love, even at the height of the battle. It's not about control, but connection. We demonstrated these beautiful ideas during the podcast with some role-playing and role-reversals. Taylor, your message was crystal clear, simple, powerful, and inspiring. Rhonda and I and all of our fans are indebted to you for visiting today! A big hug and thanks! Taylor, Rhonda and David

►► Ask Graham AI your #1 business question right now: http://grahamcochrane.com/ai You will never be able to sell—until you understand this one thing. Most people think selling is about being persuasive, having the perfect pitch, or pushing a product. But that mindset is exactly what's killing your sales. In this episode, I'm breaking down what actually makes people buy—and why so many entrepreneurs keep missing it. If you've ever struggled to sell your offer, this might be the breakthrough you've been waiting for. Let's jump in. Chapters 00:00 Understanding the Essence of Selling 06:59 Transforming Your Mindset Towards Sales 09:02 The Five Secrets to Effective Selling 23:13 Understanding the Payoff in Pricing Offers 27:24 Anchoring Value: Comparing Alternatives 29:47 Selling Certainty: Building Trust with Testimonials 36:12 The Power of Not Needing the Sale 41:39 Transforming Sales into Service Explore more on my website: https://www.grahamcochrane.com Follow me on Instagram: @thegrahamcochrane

Meet Thomas Powell. His WHY.os is Better Way - Challenge - Simplify.Dr. Thomas J. Powell is an entrepreneur and legal strategist who helps business owners raise money and grow smarter. He has raised over $3 billion for companies and teaches entrepreneurs how to protect their businesses and legacies for the long haul.In this episode, you'll learn:How being prepared can make you lucky when opportunity comes.The traits that make some entrepreneurs succeed while others fail.What every entrepreneur should watch out for after selling their business.Listen now to learn how to grow your business smarter, protect what matters, and create success that lasts.Connect with Thomas:kay@brehongroup.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Nanika gives tips for using The Five Secrets of Effective Communication to increase connection and trust in your relationship with your child.Have a parenting question? Email us at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.Find Project Parenthood on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the Quick and Dirty Tips newsletter for more tips and advice.Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.Links: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribehttps://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthoodhttps://twitter.com/qdtparenthood

Ask David: The Awesome Hidden Emotion Technique Featuring Matthew May, MD with Rhonda and David The following answers to Ask David questions were written prior to the live podcast where Matt, David, Rhonda, and others discuss the questions in real time. Their answers may differ from Dr. Burns responses listed below. 1. Michael asks: How did you invent the Hidden Emotion Technique? It's been incredibly helpful to me! Hello, Dr. Burns, Your lifelong work continues to be invaluable to me and so many others, and I apologize if this question was answered on a previous podcast. To my knowledge, it hasn't been. I was wondering how you discovered or created the hidden emotion model? I recently struggled with inexplicable death anxiety that came on every night since college started back up, and I was at a loss, until I remembered the hidden emotion model and wondered if there was something I wasn't acknowledging? Sure enough, I discovered I was actually quite resentful of my new schedule not allowing me to easily fit the gym into my schedule unless I wanted to forgo valuable sleep. Once I had addressed this resentment, the death anxiety vanished. I would love to know how this wonderful technique became part of your phenomenal practice! -Sincerely, Michael Polus. David's reply You can read all about it in When Panic Attacks, when I learned about it accidentally based on an interaction with a patient who was stuck. Perhaps we can answer it on a podcast. Thanks! david   2. Janie asks: How can I help a patient who ruminates? My client ruminates, that is she experiences repetitive thoughts about conversations and gets stuck in the negative feelings that come from dwelling on those thoughts and conversations. She has referred to it as repetitive thinking about conversations that were distressing in some way. She replays the conversation in her head, and evaluates and re-evaluates her responses. She then plays the conversation using possible different responses she COULD have used and worries whether these would have been better responses. The first individual is a friend where the friendship is very challenging and interwoven into many parts of my patient's life. My patient ruminates about conversations and wonders over and over if she said the right thing or wonders how the friend took what was said. It is a loop that my patient often gets stuck in for long periods of the day. The second individual is my patient's husband. With him, she ruminates about how to say things to him so she can motivate him to be involved in the ways she wants him to be. We will work on these relationships using the 5 secrets eventually, but first she'd like to work on the rumination because it takes up so much of her time. How can I help her? David's Reply I would recommend TEAM CBT in a step-by-step manner. I do not, in general, like to throw techniques at people based on a description of a problem. Motivational techniques to reduce resistance and bring resistance to conscious awareness. Paradoxical Cost-Benefit Analysis Dangling the Carrot / Gentle Ultimatum / Sitting with Open Hands The Hidden Emotion Technique What If / Downward Arrow Technique ERP (Exposure plus response prevention) Many other techniques inspired by methods a and b above (TEAM CBT) Feared Fantasy: confronting her worst fear Five Secrets of Effective Communication Work on acceptance: she is perfectionistic and self-critical Hidden Emotion: anger Thanks for listening (and reading the show notes), David, Rhonda and Matt

Ask David My friend won't say thank you! Dating Anxiety Religion vs. Psychotherapy We want to remind you about an awesome virtual workshop on habits and addictions that Dr. Jill Levitt and David will be presenting on March 28, 2025 We will feature powerful new paradoxical techniques that will blow your socks off. It will be from 8:30 to 4:30 and you will earn 7 CE credits while having fun and learning how to heal yourself AND you patients. Check it out! It's less than two weeks away, some check it out while you still have time! You'' LOVE it and LEARN a LOT! Registration and More Information Here! As is so often the case, the answers to these questions that appear in the show notes were email replies to the person before the show. To get the full discussion, make sure you listen to the actual podcast, as the answers often evolve in unexpected ways when the “experts” hash it out! Today's episode is chock full of personal stories (some racy), expert Five Secrets advice and demonstration,  philosophical / spiritual discussion, and secrets of successful (and racy) dating. 1. Brittany asks: What can I do say to a friend who does not say “thank you” when I pay for our meal or drive a long distance just to see them? 2. Jaydipe asks: How can I get over my anxiety around attractive women? 3. Ali asks: Can religious beliefs cause or intensify feelings of anxiety? (David will talk about the synergies between TEAM CBT and spirituality in all religions. He will also mention the potential antagonisms.)   1. Brittany asks: What can I do say to a friend who does not say “thank you” when I pay for our meal or drive a long distance just to see them. Hello David and Rhonda, I have a friend who typically does not say thank you to me when I pay for a meal out or drive us a long distance. I am someone who always says thank you even if the other person just bought us $10 worth of fast food or gave a short ride. I find myself feeling resentful towards my friend for not saying anything when I pay and drive us around all day. It makes me feel like they don't appreciate it. At the same time, talking about it and sharing my feelings would then feel like I'm asking them to say it, and then it would not feel authentic. I have said something about it in the past, and they were like I'm sorry, thank you. But it didn't mean much at that point. Is this one of those annoying traits I just learn to accept? Thank you, Brittany David's reply Well, you could just use a gentle I Feel statement, which might be paradoxically stronger, but combined with Stroking. Like this, "Jennie, you know I think the world of you, and greatly enjoy our times together, but when I pay for lunch, or drive a distance to hang out with you, you rarely ever say "thank you," and then I feel hurt and unappreciated." Something like that combines Stroking with I Feel and might be effective. But I always rate myself on what I do, or say, and not so much on how the other person reacts. You could, perhaps, also ask if they are upset with you about something that they've had trouble expressing to you. Best, david 2. Jaydipe asks: How can I get over my anxiety around attractive women? Hi David Many thanks for the podcast I'm struggling with social anxiety and talking to attractive women and I've watched all the podcasts relating to it. I think deep down I have a shame around finding women attractive, so I find it difficult to express interest in them. I find that I can talk to them easily during activities like climbing or co workers, but even on dates with women I can't seem to take things forwards playfully like you'd expect on a date. I'm too serious and I think that turns people off. I feel like I'm under the spotlight and I have to impress them otherwise they won't like me. I know this isn't true and I've been trying to get myself to do exposure therapy by asking girls for their numbers and being rejected so it helps with that. Also, I struggle with societal expectations, I hear women say that they don't want to be approached or talked to or anything so I just end up avoiding them because I don't want to annoy them, but it holds me back from getting the sex and relationships I want Any help much appreciated Thanks, Jaydipe David's Reply I have included your excellent question on an upcoming Ask David. In the meantime, have you read my book on dating, Intimate Connections? Best, david PS Should I use your first name, or a fake first name? 3. Ali asks: Can religious beliefs cause or intensify feelings of anxiety? Dear Dr. Burns, After reading your books, I've started to recognize that many of my anxious beliefs seem to have a religious background. For example, in the Bible, there's a verse from John 5:14: “Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, ‘See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.'” Here's where I struggle: I want to live my life freely, which includes things like being with different girls before marriage (something I already do). But according to religion, this is considered adultery and a sin. Another verse that weighs heavily on me is from Matthew 5:27-29: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” I often find myself looking at beautiful women on the street, which Christianity teaches is sinful, and this sometimes leads to feelings of guilt. I wonder: do I need to leave religion altogether to break free from these negative, self-critical thoughts? I also have other related thoughts that seem to link my faith with the good things happening in my life. For instance: My life is going well right now. My parents are alive, my brother is getting married, I'm healthy, and I've been fortunate in many ways. I've had incredible experiences, like participating in two Erasmus+ exchange programs in Poland and Lithuania during university, volunteering in Latvia for a year, and even having my New Zealand visa approved in a highly competitive process (only 100 spots for 85 million people, and the application closed in 5 minutes!). I often think that these blessings are because I believe in Jesus, follow the Bible, and try to live as a good person who avoids sin and doesn't deceive others. But then these anxious thoughts arise: I should always be thankful or pray, or else my life will fall apart. If I leave religion, something bad might happen—my parents could fall ill or pass away, and it would all feel like my fault for turning away from Jesus. Without faith, I'd lose my good fortune(luck), my appearance, and my opportunities. Wherever I apply to would be rejected, then I would understand that it was Jesus in the first place doing all of these things in my life, not me or vice versa! I'd find a terrible job, terrible working environment, terrible mutual relationships. Then everything would be my fault and I'd tell myself I should have believed in him in the first place but now I deserve everything that happens to me! These thoughts are overwhelming, and I'd love to hear your perspective on how to approach and challenge them. Thank you so much for your time and the invaluable insights you share in your work. Warm regards, Ali David's reply Hi Ali, Sorry you are struggling with so many restrictions, judgments, and inhibitions! I can imagine it triggers anxiety, guilt, inadequacy, resentment, discouragement, and more. You can let me know! If you want, I can include this as an Ask David question on a podcast, with your first name, or a fake first name. Let me know if this works for you. Also, what religion are you? I know that many religions around the world can be very fundamentalistic and super strict in their teachings. My own religious upbringing had a touch of rigidity, too. Best, david Ali's response to David Hello again, Actually, my family comes from the Christian (Orthodox-Armenian) minority in Turkey, where I was born and raised. So, I am an Orthodox Christian. You're absolutely right that I struggle with many restrictions and judgments. I'd love for you to include this as an "Ask David" question on a podcast since I haven't seen any episode (and I've listened to most of your recent podcasts, including number 408: Do You Believe in God? Does God Exist?) that addresses this topic. By the way, I already use an alias, so "Ali" is a fake name, but you're welcome to use it in your podcast! Here's a quick DML (Daily Mood Log) to clarify what I'm dealing with: The Upsetting Event: Doing my daily half-hour Bible reading before bed and coming across certain verses. Emotions: Sad: 60% Anxious/Worried: 70% Inadequate: 60% Guilty/Bad: 90% Abandoned: 70% Pessimistic/Discouraged: 80% Stuck: 75% Angry/Resentful: 75% Tricked/Duped: 80% Although I don't consider myself a devout Christian, over the past few years, I've started reading the Bible—the Old and New Testaments. Initially, I read them in my native language, but now I read in English to fully understand the content. Growing up in the church, I believed everything the priest taught. However, encountering some events and stories that seem illogical to me has made me question my beliefs. I often feel tricked and wonder if I've truly believed in all this. At the same time, I feel anxious and worried, as if questioning or criticizing my religion is a betrayal of God. Please let me know if you need any additional information. Ali David's reply Thanks, Ali, this is super. I was also raised in a somewhat strict Christian (Lutheran) home, and as a child had plans to become a minister, like my dad. In college, I learned critical thinking, and began to question some of what I was taught when I was growing up. For example, there seemed to be a bit of a bias against Jews, and my dad said they had to convert to Christianity to be  ”saved” and, I guess, avoid going to hell after they died. That didn't sound right at all, not loving, as Christ taught, who was himself a Jew, but hostile and judgmental. And I had good friends who were Jewish, so it felt offensive. Same with people who were gay. A strong bias that this was somehow “bad” and sinful, or something like that. Christianity, in the sense of the Catholic church, was really created by people a couple hundred years after Christ died, and they were reflecting their own human biases when they wrote the new testament and translated the old testaments. For better or worse, I am personally not afraid to disagree with much of what is in the Bible, and interpret it, not literally, but as a series of stories trying to communicate important spiritual truths, but these truths get quite distorted when people began focusing on literal truths, rather than “seeing” the message. Literal translations of religion risk missing the spiritual meaning and truth. This is especially true of the orthodox movement within any religion. This tendency toward being literal, rigid, and judgmental may be a partially inherited, genetic trait. Regardless, to me, it is offensive and ugly, and definitely not religious, but quite the opposite. In the early days, lots of religious cults emerged, and they all had their own special leaders. If your leader couldn't walk on water, that guru was considered inferior. So, it was fashionable to say that your spiritual guru could “walk on water.” What does that really mean? To me, it means that this person is pretty special, and much kinder and more loving than most others, and can perhaps convey some spiritual truths to us. But actual walking on water is a magic trick best left to television and stage magicians. This is my thinking only, and I do not wish to impose my thinking and beliefs on you or on anybody! I had tremendous respect and admiration for a Catholic nun, Sister Shela Flynn, who worked at my clinic in Philadelphia because she wanted to learn how to do CBT. She was humble and wonderful, and once shared with me that she also thought the stories in the bible were primarily metaphors, just stories trying to convey this or that idea about love, humility, and so forth. Not literally true stories you “had to” believe to be a “good Christian.” An, in addition, using my philosophy and CBT training, there is really no such “thing” as a “good Christian.” Positive and negative labels can be useful but can also be hurtful and destructive. Will stop babbling, and feel free to reject or ignore some or everything I am saying! But on an emotional level, I feel hurt, and angry about the literal “rules-based” versions of religion. Because I see, all over the world, atrocities being committed to a massive degree in the name of this or that “religion.” I am most comfortable with Buddhism, but even then, many people take it literally, make up rules, and so forth, just like other religions or spiritual “paths.” For some reason, people love to make up rules and then try to force others to conform to their beliefs and rules. This is due, in large part, to arrogance, and the desire to feel “special” and “superior” to others. These are not, to my way of thinking, spiritual qualities, but quite the opposite. Finally, I do not mention religion in my therapy, which is 100% secular, and based on research and on scientific research on how people actually change. But at the moment of recovery, which often happens in a flash, rather suddenly, the patient often “sees” something of a spiritual nature which they had not seen or grasped before. I have never seen anyone lose their religious beliefs because of effective therapy, but quite the opposite. In fact, what we might call “recovery from depression” (or some other problem) sometimes looks an awful lot like what the religious mystics from all religions have called “enlightenment.” So, that's the sermon my dad would have perhaps wanted me to preach from a pulpit! I guess this is my pulpit, and you are in my congregation! And this Sunday morning here in Los Altos, so that's the end of today's sermon! Best, david Contact information You can sign up for the David and Jill workshop on healthier habits here: cbt-workshop.com

Louise Swartswalter is the founder of Brain Soul Success Academy and creator of The BRAIN System™, who helps heart-centered entrepreneurs clear energetic blocks to increase their impact and income.Through her mastermind programs, 9-week courses, and private coaching packages ranging from $3K to $10K, Louise teaches brain-soul hacks that create lasting transformation. Her approach combines naturopathic wisdom with business strategy to help clients achieve sustainable success.Louise's journey from battling three autoimmune diseases while living on oxygen at 89 pounds to building multiple successful businesses demonstrates the power of personal transformation. Having already changed one million brains while aiming for two million in 2025, her evolution from struggling health practitioner to savvy businesswoman generating $35-45K monthly shows how early challenges can become the foundation for helping others. Now balancing her thriving practice with being a grandmother, her story illustrates how proper self-care and business systems can create both impact and personal freedom.Here's where to find more:Your website URL: www.louiseswartswalter.comSocial Media handles: https://www.facebook.com/louise.swartswalterInstagram https://www.instagram.com/drlouiseswartswalterYoutube https://www.youtube.com/@LouiseSwartswalter Linked In https://www.linkedin.com/in/louise-swartswalter-330174aBrain Soul Assessment https://louiseswartswalter.com/brain-soul-assessment___________________________________________________________Welcome to The Unforget Yourself Show where we use the power of woo and the proof of science to help you identify your blind spots, and get over your own bullshit so that you can do the fucking thing you ACTUALLY want to do!We're Mark and Katie, the founders of Unforget Yourself and the creators of the Unforget Yourself System and on this podcast, we're here to share REAL conversations about what goes on inside the heart and minds of those brave and crazy enough to start their own business. From the accidental entrepreneur to the laser-focused CEO, we find out how they got to where they are today, not by hearing the go-to story of their success, but talking about how we all have our own BS to deal with and it's through facing ourselves that we find a way to do the fucking thing.Along the way, we hope to show you that YOU are the most important asset in your business (and your life - duh!). Being a business owner is tough! With vulnerability and humor, we get to the real story behind their success and show you that you're not alone._____________________Find all our links to all the things like the socials, how to work with us and how to apply to be on the podcast here: https://linktr.ee/unforgetyourself

Five Secrets to Win (Luke 8:4-15) 1. Prioritize God's Word (seed, vv. 5, 11) 2. Renounce the Devil (path, vv. 5, 12) 3. Deepen Your Roots (rock, vv. 6, 13) 4. Uproot Worldliness (thorns, vv. 7, 14) 5. Patiently Persevere (soil, vv. 8, 15)  

Send us a textIn this episode of the Women's Wealth Canada Podcast, host Glory Gray reveals How to Invest With Confidence: Five Secrets to help you take charge of your financial future. Drawing from decades of experience and lessons learned, Glory demystifies the world of investing and provides actionable advice to build your confidence, no matter where you are on your financial journey.From understanding the importance of an emergency fund to learning how to invest automatically, Glory uncovers the keys to financial empowerment. She also shares tips on fostering open conversations about money, developing resilience through market downturns, and seeking guidance from trusted professionals.Whether you're new to investing or looking to refine your approach, this episode is packed with valuable insights to help you navigate the path to financial security with confidence.Podcast References: https://www.seaandsummitbooks.com/browse/filter/t/persephone/k/publisherHosted by Glory GrayTake Action:Watch the webinar:

How to Give Critical / Negative Feedback In a Loving, Constructive Way AND How to Avoid the Common Traps Today's podcast features Dr. Jill Levitt, Director of Training at the www.FeelingGoodInstitute.com in Mountain View, California and co-leader of David's weekly TEAM-CBT training group at Stanford. Rhonda and I are psyched, because every podcast or teaching event with Jill is almost certain to be fabulous. And this podcast is no exception! Rhonda asks members of her Wednesday training group (see below for contact information of you think you might want to join) to take turns teaching the group.  One week she was puzzled because almost no one filled in their feedback forms, and when she asked them why, they said that they had some concerns about the teaching but didn't feel comfortable criticizing the person who taught. Some of the criticisms they share with Rhonda were: It was boring. I didn't learn anything new. The teacher didn't explain anything in a way that I could understand. Is this a problem that you have as well? Do you find it hard to criticize others, and keep quiet on the assumption that saying nothing is better than opening your mouth and saying something hurtful? If so, I have some good news and some bad news for you. First, the bad news. Tonight, you'll discover exactly why and how saying nothing is actually a pretty hostile and mean thing to do. But here's the GOOD news. You'll also learn the secrets of how to deliver criticism in a way that's loving, authentic, and helpful if—and that might be a big IF—that's something you're willing to do! A sage—cannot remember who—once said that “When you say nothing, you're actually shouting quietly. What in the world does THAT mean? And Robert Frost, in his famous poem, Fire and Ice, wrote: Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice. Essentially, Frost is saying that if you're angry, there are two classic ways of being aggressive; you can be fiery and agitated and attack the other person, verbally or physically, or you can be cold and withdraw, saying nothing, so as to freeze the other person out. These are opposite extremes but are equally destructive. And, for most of us, difficult impulses to resist. But there's a third alternative, which might be, according to Robert Frost, the “road less traveled by.” You can express your negative feelings, including anger, in a respectful, or even loving way. And that's the focus of today's show. My show notes will only give an overview, but the richness of this particular podcast is in the actual dialogue and role-play demonstrations with critical feedback. We began with an overview of some of the key techniques when giving someone negative feedback, including stroking and “I Feel” Statements, but emphasized that your tone, goal, and spirit is the entire key to how you come across, and how the other person responds. Jill told a moving and dramatic story of an interaction with her mother, who has been quite ill, and she'd been having a really hard week. Her mom sent Jill a lengthy text outlining all of her problems and ending with, “you guys don't really know how I'm hurting,” and the implication was, “you don't know--or care.” This was understandably hurtful to Jill. Jill's about the most awesome daughter any mother could have. Jill wanted to clear the air and tell her mom how she'd felt, rather than keeping her negative feedback hidden. Her mom clearly felt lonely, so when Jill saw her in person, she said something along these lines: “I know you've been struggling, but I felt hurt and discounted when I read your note. I felt like the things I've done didn't matter, and I felt hurt.” Her mom began to cry and said, “the last thing I want you to feel is that I don't appreciate you.” This conversation was challenging, but brought them much closer together. The podcast crew discussed the important question of our mixed motivations about sharing our feelings, and our confusion about how to do this in an effective, loving way, if you do decide to open up. Rhonda confided that she'd never had those kinds of open conversations with either of her parents, and that these kinds of difficult conversations can come from a place of love. You can review the Five Secrets of Effective Communication if you click HERE. The Five Secrets are all about talking with your EAR: E = Empathy, A = Assertiveness, and R = Respect. However, there's a lot of intense resistance to using the Five Secrets, so I promised to include my list of 12 GOOD Reasons NOT to Listen (E = Empathy) Share your feelings (A = Assertiveness) Treat the other person with respect (R = Respect) That makes 36 reasons in all! You can link to the list HERE. People want to feel understood, and the best way to make that happen is by giving what you hope to receive. And you can learn how to listen more skillfully If you read my book, Feeling Good Together, and do the written exercises while reading. You'll learn a ton that can change your life and greatly enhance your relationships with the people you love. Thanks for listening today!! Jill, Rhonda, and David

Share your impact to instill belief across the company.  As an HR leader, you can inspire your team and create a culture of trust by consistently showcasing the meaningful work you're doing.  In this episode, Adam Weber, host of HR Superstars, explores how the best HR leaders build company-wide confidence through transparency and storytelling. He shares practical steps for communicating successes in a way that resonates with every level of the organization. From crafting compelling narratives to using every available medium, this episode will guide you on making your initiatives not just seen but truly believed in.   Join us as we discuss: (00:00) An introduction to the fifth secret   (01:33) An overview of the Five Secrets (03:01) The fifth and final secret that differentiates top HR leaders (03:50) Balancing optimism with transparency   (04:39) The power of repetition in communication   (06:42) Three steps to inspire company-wide change   Resources: For the entire interview, subscribe to HR Superstars on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or YouTube, Or tune in on our website. Original podcast track produced by Entheo. Want to connect with thousands of other strategic HR leaders like you? Join the HR Superstars Community! Listening on a desktop & can't see the links? Just search for HR Superstars in your favorite podcast player.* Hear Adam's thoughts on elevating your HR career by following him on LinkedIn. Click here to download 15Five's HR Outcomes Playbook! For more on maximizing employee performance, engagement, and retention, click here.

In today's episode, I sat down with Dr. Emily Jamea, sex and relationship therapist and host of the Love and Libido podcast. We dove deep into her groundbreaking research on the connection between flow states and sexual satisfaction, which forms the foundation of her new book "Anatomy of Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion." Dr. Jamea shared her innovative approach to helping couples enhance their intimate relationships, revealing how the five secrets - sensuality, curiosity, adaptability, vulnerability, and attunement - can transform ordinary sexual experiences into extraordinary ones. Her fresh perspective on sexual wellness challenges traditional narratives about midlife sexuality, offering hope and practical guidance for couples at any life stage.Timestamps(00:00) - Introduction(01:05) - Meet Dr. Emily Jamea(03:06) - Moving Beyond "Dysfunction" Language(07:04) - Gender and Desire in Midlife(15:54) - The Five Secrets Framework Revealed(20:32) - Understanding the Phases of Sexual Connection(24:21) - Single Life and Relationship Readiness(27:35) - Lifelong SexualityKaren Bigman, a Sexual Health Alliance Certified Sex Educator, Life, and Menopause Coach, tackles the often-taboo subject of sexuality with a straightforward and candid approach. We explore the intricacies of sex during perimenopause, post-menopause, and andropause, offering insights and support for all those experiencing these transformative phases.This podcast is not intended to give medical advice. Karen Bigman is not a medical professional. For any medical questions or issues, please visit your licensed medical provider.Karen Bigman, a Sexual Health Alliance Certified Sex Educator, Life, and Menopause Coach, tackles the often-taboo subject of sexuality with a straightforward and candid approach. We explore the intricacies of sex during perimenopause, post-menopause, and andropause, offering insights and support for all those experiencing these transformative phases.This podcast is not intended to give medical advice. Karen Bigman is not a medical professional. For any medical questions or issues, please visit your licensed medical provider.Looking for some fresh perspective on sex in midlife? You can find me here:Email: karen@taboototruth.comWebsite: https://www.taboototruth.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/taboototruthYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@taboototruthpodcastTake control of your pleasure with my Pleasure Playbook, filled with tips to help you connect with your body and enhance intimacy. Download it now at www.taboototruth.com/pleasureplaybook.Find Dr. Emily Jamea here:https://emilyjamea.com/https://emilyjamea.com/love-libido-podcast/Instagram: @dremilyjameaLI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dremilyjamea/FB https://www.facebook.com/dremilyjameaPre-order book: https://emilyjamea.com/anatomy-of-desire/

Podcast 417 Bullying Featuring Manuel Sierra, MD (pictured above) Today, we welcome an old friend, Manuel Sierra, MD, who practices pediatric psychiatry in Idaho, and Dr. Matt May, a familiar and beloved colleague, to discuss bullying. Below you'll find a great list of questions Dr. Matt May submitted just prior to today's podcast, along with some links you may wish to explore for more information. We addressed some of the questions, but certainly not all, during the podcast! Manuel described bullying, and said the ¼ of children and adults have experienced bullying. The consequences can be severe, including suicidal urges or completed suicides, along with shame and a severe loss of self-esteem, and more. He pointed out that bullies are good at zeroing in on aspects of ourselves that we feel insecure about, including how we look, our ethnicity, our aptitudes, and more. He provided links to resources on bullying. The bully picks on someone who is weak, so there is a power imbalance, and does the bullying to gain popularity and power, at the expense of the victim. David and Manuel emphasized that the bullying per se cannot cause the depression, shame, and so forth, but rather the victim must buy into the bully's mean-spirited statements, like “you're weak,” or “you have an ugly zit on your nose,” “your mother is a dirty whore,” and more. Then, the inner dialogue of the victim often goes like this: I must be a terrible and horrible person to get bullied like this. I'm worthless. All the kids are looking down on me. Everybody hates me! Everyone is laughing at me. I'm just a loser. And that, of course, is the voice of the “inner bully” who does all the emotional damage. Manuel and David both emphasized that the goal of treatment is to help the victim see that the “badness” is not with them, but rather with the kid (or adult) who's doing the bullying. Because the victims nearly always feel ashamed, they will often suffer in silence, keeping the bullying a secret. David described what he calls the “abuse contract” that many, and perhaps most, humans buy into when being hurt or exploited. It's really a contract between the abuser and the abused, and there are there parts to the agreement. I get to hurt you for my own pleasure. This might include sexual, physical, financial, or psychological torture or abuse. You, the victim are entirely to blame for this. You are the bad one. I am superior and totally innocent. You deserve what's happening to you. We have to keep this a secret, even from ourselves. You cannot even hint that I am doing something wrong. If you try that, I will REALLY hurt you. David emphasized that the tendency to “accept” this type of horrible contract is not limited to children, but includes adults as well. He emphasized that sometimes the child who is being bullied will tell parents, who then tell the teacher or school officials, who will tell the bully to stop. This is rarely effective, and often makes the situation worse, since the bully tells the victim that they are a snitch and now they will REALLY get what  they “deserve.” Matt described many types of bullying, including physical, psychological, and cyber bullying. Manuel described some of the signs to look for if you suspect a problem with your child, including: Not wanting to go to school. Saying things like “everyone thinks I'm terrible.” Changes in sleep, eating habits, and energy. Somatic symptoms such as stomach aches and headaches. Manuel emphasized that the goal is not to eliminate negative feelings entirely, but rather to reduce the time you spend feeling anxious, humiliated and upset after being bullied. He also emphasized that ongoing practice talking back to your own negative thoughts is an important key to change, in exactly the same way that athletes must commit to ongoing daily practice to boost their physical skills and stamina. Manuel emphasized the importance of empathy and support, as well as asking victims if they'd want some help combatting their automatic negative thoughts and feelings. He shared that he endured considerable bullying as a kid, and was bullied because he was poor, of Mexican heritage, short, wearing glasses (“four eyes”), and young, and sometimes called “a fag” and other hurtful things. He said that reattribution is one useful strategy, among many, for combatting automatic thoughts and negative feelings. Instead of automatically blaming yourself for the bullying, you can ask questions like this: “What is it in their life that makes them want to do things like this.?” And “They are trying to hurt and embarrass me. Why are they doing that.” The goal is to help the victim see that the “badness” and shame really reside within the bully, and not with them. The bully is trying to tear you down. Ask yourself why? The bully thinks that this is the best way for them to gain popularity, power, and importance. Toward the end of the podcast, I, David, again emphasized that the Outer Bully can hurt us physically, by hitting for example, but only the Inner Bully can make us suffer emotionally. And if you've used the Externalization of Voices to crush the inner bully, and you no longer feel intimidated or ashamed when some tries to bully you, it becomes infinitely easier to respond effectively to the Outer Bully, using the Five Secrets, including Disarming and Stroking, as well as humor. To demonstrate this, I invited the other guests to try to bully me as an old person (I'm about to turn 82), and urged them to say the cruelest things they could think of. This is called the Feared Fantasy Technique. I was surprised and pleased at how incredibly easy it was to get “the edge on them. “ I hope you enjoy that aspect of the podcast. We will likely approach this topic again, with a focus on cyber bullying, and will restrict our focus to children and teens. How to Help! Matt once worked with a child who encountered their own 'inner bully' in the form of negative thoughts that would occur when they were unable to assemble LEGO's. The child could express certain thoughts, but was too young to write, so Matt wrote these down: I'll never be able to do it It's impossible I'm not good at anything There is something wrong with me Matt asked the child if they would like to learn a trick for how to feel better and the child agreed. Matt wrote down some new thoughts for the child to choose from to describe the situation that was upsetting to them. Multiple Choice Positive Thoughts: I really, really want to do this! It's ok if I can't do it, yet Some things take lots and lots of practice I may be able to do it later I can do lots of things really well already I can probably get better with practice People love me and like to help Nobody's good at everything all the time Everybody messes up sometimes It might help to take a break   I can always choose to like myself The child said they really liked #11 and felt better right away and during future 'relapses'! Thanks, Matt Thanks for listening today. Below you'll find the email Matt sent prior to the show. Manuel, Rhonda, Matt, and David Matt wrote: Just to stir up trouble and make you all sweat, I'm sending a few questions we might address: What is bullying? How are we defining this term? Is it Liberal Propaganda? How dare I say that? What's the difference between bullying and micro-aggressions / gaslighting? Am I crazy, if I think I'm being gaslighted? If I avoid bullying, in-person, including physical, emotional and verbal abuse...am I safe, on the Internet, at least? Is there such a thing as 'Safety'? Isn't that the thing we need, the most? Whose job is it, to make me feel safe? Why do some people think that safety doesn't exist? What is the significance of bullying? Does it matter or have any tangible effects on individuals or society? Link: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK390414/ What are some common misconceptions when it comes to bullying? Here are some that Matt has seen on DML's: It was all my fault / I deserved it / This happened because I am (insert label: bad/weak/defective, etc.) Bullying is normal, nothing can be done about it. Everyone gets bullied. It builds character. I should just get over it. I shouldn't *still* feel upset. That was a long time ago and I've done a lot of therapy. I can't speak up or talk about it, it's just too disturbing and upsetting. People would judge me and reject me, if they knew what happened to me All conflict is dangerous and must be avoided, at all costs I'm just a loser, a born victim, worthless in every way. This will always happen to me and people who believe #2 are correct I should be more accepting of bullies, they're people, too. Bullies shouldn't be bullies and should be hunted to the ends of the earth, and destroyed. What is the *cause* of bullying behaviors? Why would anyone choose to be cruel, manipulative and selfish? What is the 'Dark Triad'? Which feature of the 'Dark Triad' is most closely associated with bullying? Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying What can be done about bullying? How can TEAM therapy help someone who is being bullied? Can TEAM therapy help a bully? What can parents do, if their child is being bullied? Can TEAM help? What can parents do, if their child is bullying? Can TEAM help? What can society do? Other Questions: What is the “Internal Bully”? How does the “Internal Bully” relate to depression? What is the greatest predictor of bullying behavior and thinking? Who's to blame, anyway, here?

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Visit www.mindful-muslimah.com to start your transformation journey! Visit www.iou.edu.gm/Mindfulmuslimah to explore the programs they offer. Enroll for the Fall 2024 semester starting in September to gain early access to study materials and a 10% discount on semester fees. --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/mindfulmuslimah/support

Special Announcement #1 Attend the Legendary Summer Intensive Featuring Drs. David Burns and Jill Levitt August 8 - 11. 2024 Learn Advanced TEAM-CBT skills Heal yourself, heal your patients First Intensive in 5 years! It will knock your socks off! Limited Seating--Act Fast Click for registration / more information! Sadly, this workshop is a training program which will be limited to therapists and mental health professionals and graduate students in a mental health field  Apologies, but therapists have complained when non-therapists have attended our continuing education training programs. This is partly because of the intimate nature of the small group exercises and the personal work the therapists may do during the workshop. Certified coaches and counselors are welcome to attend. Special Announcement #2 Here's some GREAT news! The Feeling Great App is now available in both app stores (IOS and Android) and is for therapists and the general public, and you can take a ride for free! Check it Today's Ask David Podcast We have lots of great questions today. The answers in the show notes were written prior to the podcast, and the answers in the live podcast as we discussed these questions may differ somewhat or amplify the written materials in these show notes. We love your questions. Remember to send them to David@feelinggood.com. Ask David Questions for Today Bosley asks: My father can be very critical of my plans for the future. What's the best way to respond to him? Willie asks: I have a dating questions. Why do women keep ghosting me? Should they be more willing to work out differences with the Five Secrets of Communication? 1. Bosley asks: My father can be very critical of my plans for the future. What's the best way to respond to him? "To explain somewhat concisely, I just want to move to the nearest major city (Seattle) since I feel really really happy there. I also love volunteering for a specific organization and have some community there that I care about, and I feel very isolated having been away from for months. I'm willing to carry the load of all the work I would need to do to make it happen, and do a business training my dad wants me to complete. He has other thoughts. He looks down on volunteering and his thoughts on friends are simply that I can make new ones anyway. He is very aggressive and intimidating in his arguments, full of insults and many factually incorrect statements that are difficult to disarm on the fly. He shoots down the idea upon mention, so it's difficult to collaborate to find mutually beneficial solutions. He is a successful businessman, despite recent financial issues, and has a sort of strict plan for me that he has wanted me to follow, although I really don't feel this conflicts with his goals to have me run things in the future. I'm just worried since he has a long past of being emotionally abusive and of going back on his word. Plus, I just want some autonomy. In the end, it's his way or the highway. He says “You keep scheming and going down a twisted path instead of doing what I tell you.” David's reply I suggested he might complete the first four steps of the Relationship Journal so we could see how he's communicating with his dad. Here is Bosley's partially partially completed Relationship Journal (showing steps 1 to 4, but not 5.)   Step 1 – S/he said: Write down exactly what the other person said. Be brief: You keep scheming and going down a twisted path instead of doing what I tell you! Step 2 – I said: Write down exactly what you said next. Be brief: What? Circle or bold the emotions S/HE might have been feeling Circle or bold the emotions YOU were feeling Sad, blue, depressed, down, unhappy Sad, blue, depressed, down, unhappy Anxious, worried, panicky, nervous, frightened Anxious, worried, panicky, nervous, frightened Guilty, remorseful, bad, ashamed Guilty, remorseful, bad, ashamed Inferior, worthless, inadequate, defective, incompetent Inferior, worthless, inadequate, defective, incompetent Lonely, unloved, unwanted, rejected, alone, abandoned Lonely, unloved, unwanted, rejected, alone, abandoned Embarrassed, foolish, humiliated, self-conscious Embarrassed, foolish, humiliated, self-conscious Hopeless, discouraged, pessimistic, despairing Hopeless, discouraged, pessimistic, despairing Frustrated, stuck, thwarted, defeated Frustrated, stuck, thwarted, defeated Angry, mad, resentful, annoyed, irritated, upset, furious Angry, mad, resentful, annoyed, irritated, upset, furious Other (specify) Other (specify)   Step 3 – Good Vs. Bad Communication: Was your response an example of good or bad communication? Use the EAR Checklist to analyze what you wrote down in Step 2 Step 4 – Consequences: Did your response in Step 2 make the problem better or worse? Why? It probably made things worse. I came off dismissive, which probably confirmed for him that I automatically ignored any advice or direction that he gave me. I wasn't assertive in fear of escalating anger or just being shut down anyway, but that also maintains the status quo. I didn't, and typically don't, show a caring respectful attitude. This, I think, allows his anger to continue snowballing into more intensity. 2. Willie asks why women he's dating “ghost” him instead of working out the problems in the relationship using the techniques in your book, Feeling Good Together. Good morning, Dr. Burns! I hope you are doing well! I want to start off by saying that I love your books and they've played a massive role in changing my personality for the better. However, there is a question I struggle with. In feeling good together, you say that one can keep status quo, solve their problem, or walk away from a relationship. I lean very strongly on the side of always wanting to solve problems. However, at my age, most of girls I date err on the side of just walking away and this opens me up for unnecessary headache and pain. I don't know where to draw the line? My heart says that any two reasonable adults can always make a relationship work given that at least one wants to make things better and, unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case in my experiences. Your insight would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for taking the time! Best Regards, Willie David's reply Thank you, Willie, I'd love to use this as an Ask David question for one of the podcasts, if that's okay, using your first name or a fake name if you prefer. Here's the super short answer. I wrote a book on that exact topic called Intimate Connections. Essentially you probably need to learn a little more about how to “play the game” when dating. You'll see what this means when you read the book. Warmly, david Willie's Response: Good morning, Dr. Burns! Frankly, I was not expecting a response at all, much less as quick as it was. For this, I truly want to thank you for taking the time to do so. Secondly, it will be my honor if you do bring it up to your podcast. Please don't use my first name - I'd prefer staying anonymous. Please do let me know which podcast this will be so I can give it a listen as well. Lastly, thank you so much for referring me to your book. That will be my next read so I am super excited. If you have any other books which you believe are worth reading which will be beneficial in the dating world, corporate world, etc., please point me to those. I absolutely love your books and their effects on me have been immeasurable. Thank you! Willie I wrote back and suggested we could use the fake name Willie, as he wanted to remain anonymous, and he responded: Now that you say, Willie is definitely sexier! Question: when are you planning on doing the next episode with this question in it? I wouldn't want to miss it.   Here was my response to “Willie.” We'll just read your question, and then provide opinions. My career in private practice has a majority of single individuals who were trying unsuccessfully to connect in the dating world. That's why I wrote that book, which is intensely personal as I was the biggest loser of all for a long time because I was a minister's son and never learned how to “play the game” or be a “bad boy.” But I learned from a friend who was a “hustler” when I was in medical school. I learned a tremendous amount, including that there is a game-playing phase in dating, and a time to be more serious, open and vulnerable. The biggest mistake men make is trying to get too serious when they should be playing the game. What's the game? Well, you'd know if you ever had or loved a cat. If you chase them enthusiastically, you force them to run away. You have to learn how to make them chase you. Many men are stubborn about this, and lamely insist, “But I shouldn't have to play the game!” My answer would be, “You don't! Especially if you don't want to get laid and have lots of ladies chasing you!” Warmly, david Willie's response This is extremely valuable to me. I never knew that you come from a religious background and I do too so I do want to ask you some more questions / share my experience. One pattern I am noticing is that either Muslim ladies have a lot of religious trauma or they have very strict conservative values - usually a combination of both. In the modern world, I try using dating apps and might get matched with someone 2-3 states away so usually we would hop on a FaceTime and the topic of religion almost always comes up. And, due to differing opinions, they just walk away which deeply upsets me because they make the false assumption that humans are snapshots in time i.e., opinions / perspectives don't change. In fact, a personal experience I would like to share with you. I was in a relationship for 1.5 yrs (long distance) and it just ended 1-2 months ago. Our intention was always to get married. However, a few weeks before breaking up with me, she basically said "oh you don't pray and I cannot even imagine my future husband not praying etc etc" and she ended things with me on that. I even tried using the 5 methods of effective communication to acknowledge and validate her opinions while simultaneously sharing mine but she was dead set and did not even want to think about working on problems. How could I "play the game" in such instances or over long distances?   David's response Hi Willie, The principles of dating are the same in all cultures for the most part, and one rule is “Never chase a distancer.” So, when she switches to religion, you could use the listen skills subset of the Five Secrets, and buy in to what she's saying, WITHOUT arguing or presenting your own thinking. You can admire her, urge her to tell you more about her religious feelings and spiritual life, using liberal Thought and Feeling Empathy, and lots of Disarming Techniques, and Stroking, with Gentle Inquiry. You would NOT chase, or try to persuade, or argue, or defend yourself. Be totally admiring and other-centered at those times. If she says she wants to break up, you might say that you've been sensing some distance, and are relieved that she is doing that, because you, too, would like to date other women, but that the two of you can still be friends if she promises not to get romantically involved with you, and that you will be on the lookout for some really great guys she might want to date. This is a paradoxical approach, and it is an art form. And I can also tell you to date other women immediately, and the moment you find one you like better than her, she will find out, even if no one tells her, and she will likely want you back again. That's because of the Burns rule, which states: “People NEVER want what they CAN have; they ONLY want they CAN'T have!” Now, if you tell me this approach is phony, I would tell you that you're 200% right! And it's not only incredibly phony, it's amazingly effective! And a kinder word that “phony” might be to say that when someone starts pulling away, you have to switch into this style and strategic approach, and stop trying to be loving and sincere or logical, etc. Do NOT chase, simply open your hands and let go. It's the exact same strategy you might use to get close to a cat! Best, david Hi Willie, If you'd like, you can send me an example of what one of the Muslim ladies said to you, and exactly what you said next. Please select an interaction that didn't go well. Then I can analyze your response and suggest some alternative ways to respond in a dating situation. In fact, if you like, you can record it on the Relationship Journal that I've attached. Please fill in steps 1 through 4. Please do this right away as we record tomorrow. Best, david   Hi Dr. Burns, I cannot even tell you how much these emails are already changing my outlook. I truly want to thank you for taking the time and responding to these. One thing that caught my eye is the paradoxical approach. I never thought about it. In my mind, I feel you should work on relationships / never let go but if letting go is working on it, then that is something I really need to do. I am attaching two copies of the Relationship journal. One dealing with the topic of drugs and one with prayer. One thing I will tell you is that I usually bring these topics up myself because, in my mind, I don't want to deceive anyone and get these big topics out of the way as early on as I can and I think I am making a mistake somewhere here. Thank you, again, for taking the time and responding to these emails! Looking forward to what you think about the topics of conflict I have been having! Best Willie

Special Announcement #1 Attend the Legendary Summer Intensive Featuring Drs. David Burns and Jill Levitt August 8 - 11. 2024 Learn Advanced TEAM-CBT skills Heal yourself, heal your patients First Intensive in 5 years! It will knock your socks off! Limited Seating--Act Fast Click for registration / more information! Sadly, this workshop is a training program which will be limited to therapists and mental health professionals and graduate students in a mental health field  Apologies, but therapists have complained when non-therapists have attended our continuing education training programs. This is partly because of the intimate nature of the small group exercises and the personal work the therapists may do during the workshop. Certified coaches and counselors are welcome to attend. Special Announcement #2 Here's some GREAT news! The Feeling Great App is now available in both app stores (IOS and Android) and is for therapists and the general public, and you can take a ride for free! Check it Today's Ask David Podcast We have lots of great questions today. The answers in the show notes were written prior to the podcast, and the answers in the live podcast as we discussed these questions may differ somewhat or amplify the written materials in these show notes. We love your questions. Remember to send them to David@feelinggood.com. Ask David Questions for Today Bosley asks: My father can be very critical of my plans for the future. What's the best way to respond to him? Willie asks: I have a dating questions. Why do women keep ghosting me? Should they be more willing to work out differences with the Five Secrets of Communication? Marc asks: In your book, When Panic Attacks, you mentioned that sometimes people feel “trapped.” What should you do when you're struggling with this feeling?   1. Bosley asks: My father can be very critical of my plans for the future. What's the best way to respond to him? "To explain somewhat concisely, I just want to move to the nearest major city (Seattle) since I feel really really happy there. I also love volunteering for a specific organization and have some community there that I care about, and I feel very isolated having been away from for months. I'm willing to carry the load of all the work I would need to do to make it happen, and do a business training my dad wants me to complete. He has other thoughts. He looks down on volunteering and his thoughts on friends are simply that I can make new ones anyway. He is very aggressive and intimidating in his arguments, full of insults and many factually incorrect statements that are difficult to disarm on the fly. He shoots down the idea upon mention, so it's difficult to collaborate to find mutually beneficial solutions. He is a successful businessman, despite recent financial issues, and has a sort of strict plan for me that he has wanted me to follow, although I really don't feel this conflicts with his goals to have me run things in the future. I'm just worried since he has a long past of being emotionally abusive and of going back on his word. Plus, I just want some autonomy. In the end, it's his way or the highway. He says “You keep scheming and going down a twisted path instead of doing what I tell you.” David's reply I suggested he might complete the first four steps of the Relationship Journal so we could see how he's communicating with his dad. Here is Bosley's partially partially completed Relationship Journal (showing steps 1 to 4, but not 5.)   Step 1 – S/he said: Write down exactly what the other person said. Be brief: You keep scheming and going down a twisted path instead of doing what I tell you! Step 2 – I said: Write down exactly what you said next. Be brief: What? Circle or bold the emotions S/HE might have been feeling Circle or bold the emotions YOU were feeling Sad, blue, depressed, down, unhappy Sad, blue, depressed, down, unhappy Anxious, worried, panicky, nervous, frightened Anxious, worried, panicky, nervous, frightened Guilty, remorseful, bad, ashamed Guilty, remorseful, bad, ashamed Inferior, worthless, inadequate, defective, incompetent Inferior, worthless, inadequate, defective, incompetent Lonely, unloved, unwanted, rejected, alone, abandoned Lonely, unloved, unwanted, rejected, alone, abandoned Embarrassed, foolish, humiliated, self-conscious Embarrassed, foolish, humiliated, self-conscious Hopeless, discouraged, pessimistic, despairing Hopeless, discouraged, pessimistic, despairing Frustrated, stuck, thwarted, defeated Frustrated, stuck, thwarted, defeated Angry, mad, resentful, annoyed, irritated, upset, furious Angry, mad, resentful, annoyed, irritated, upset, furious Other (specify) Other (specify)   Step 3 – Good Vs. Bad Communication: Was your response an example of good or bad communication? Use the EAR Checklist to analyze what you wrote down in Step 2 Step 4 – Consequences: Did your response in Step 2 make the problem better or worse? Why? It probably made things worse. I came off dismissive, which probably confirmed for him that I automatically ignored any advice or direction that he gave me. I wasn't assertive in fear of escalating anger or just being shut down anyway, but that also maintains the status quo. I didn't, and typically don't, show a caring respectful attitude. This, I think, allows his anger to continue snowballing into more intensity. 2. Willie asks why women he's dating “ghost” him instead of working out the problems in the relationship using the techniques in your book, Feeling Good Together. Good morning, Dr. Burns! I hope you are doing well! I want to start off by saying that I love your books and they've played a massive role in changing my personality for the better. However, there is a question I struggle with. In feeling good together, you say that one can keep status quo, solve their problem, or walk away from a relationship. I lean very strongly on the side of always wanting to solve problems. However, at my age, most of girls I date err on the side of just walking away and this opens me up for unnecessary headache and pain. I don't know where to draw the line? My heart says that any two reasonable adults can always make a relationship work given that at least one wants to make things better and, unfortunately, this does not seem to be the case in my experiences. Your insight would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for taking the time! Best Regards, Willie David's reply Thank you, Willie, I'd love to use this as an Ask David question for one of the podcasts, if that's okay, using your first name or a fake name if you prefer. Here's the super short answer. I wrote a book on that exact topic called Intimate Connections. Essentially you probably need to learn a little more about how to “play the game” when dating. You'll see what this means when you read the book. Warmly, david Willie's Response: Good morning, Dr. Burns! Frankly, I was not expecting a response at all, much less as quick as it was. For this, I truly want to thank you for taking the time to do so. Secondly, it will be my honor if you do bring it up to your podcast. Please don't use my first name - I'd prefer staying anonymous. Please do let me know which podcast this will be so I can give it a listen as well. Lastly, thank you so much for referring me to your book. That will be my next read so I am super excited. If you have any other books which you believe are worth reading which will be beneficial in the dating world, corporate world, etc., please point me to those. I absolutely love your books and their effects on me have been immeasurable. Thank you! Willie I wrote back and suggested we could use the fake name Willie, as he wanted to remain anonymous, and he responded: Now that you say, Willie is definitely sexier! Question: when are you planning on doing the next episode with this question in it? I wouldn't want to miss it.   Here was my response to “Willie.” We'll just read your question, and then provide opinions. My career in private practice has a majority of single individuals who were trying unsuccessfully to connect in the dating world. That's why I wrote that book, which is intensely personal as I was the biggest loser of all for a long time because I was a minister's son and never learned how to “play the game” or be a “bad boy.” But I learned from a friend who was a “hustler” when I was in medical school. I learned a tremendous amount, including that there is a game-playing phase in dating, and a time to be more serious, open and vulnerable. The biggest mistake men make is trying to get too serious when they should be playing the game. What's the game? Well, you'd know if you ever had or loved a cat. If you chase them enthusiastically, you force them to run away. You have to learn how to make them chase you. Many men are stubborn about this, and lamely insist, “But I shouldn't have to play the game!” My answer would be, “You don't! Especially if you don't want to get laid and have lots of ladies chasing you!” Warmly, david   Willie's response This is extremely valuable to me. I never knew that you come from a religious background and I do too so I do want to ask you some more questions / share my experience. One pattern I am noticing is that either Muslim ladies have a lot of religious trauma or they have very strict conservative values - usually a combination of both. In the modern world, I try using dating apps and might get matched with someone 2-3 states away so usually we would hop on a FaceTime and the topic of religion almost always comes up. And, due to differing opinions, they just walk away which deeply upsets me because they make the false assumption that humans are snapshots in time i.e., opinions / perspectives don't change. In fact, a personal experience I would like to share with you. I was in a relationship for 1.5 yrs (long distance) and it just ended 1-2 months ago. Our intention was always to get married. However, a few weeks before breaking up with me, she basically said "oh you don't pray and I cannot even imagine my future husband not praying etc etc" and she ended things with me on that. I even tried using the 5 methods of effective communication to acknowledge and validate her opinions while simultaneously sharing mine but she was dead set and did not even want to think about working on problems. How could I "play the game" in such instances or over long distances?   David's response Hi Willie, The principles of dating are the same in all cultures for the most part, and one rule is “Never chase a distancer.” So, when she switches to religion, you could use the listen skills subset of the Five Secrets, and buy in to what she's saying, WITHOUT arguing or presenting your own thinking. You can admire her, urge her to tell you more about her religious feelings and spiritual life, using liberal Thought and Feeling Empathy, and lots of Disarming Techniques, and Stroking, with Gentle Inquiry. You would NOT chase, or try to persuade, or argue, or defend yourself. Be totally admiring and other-centered at those times. If she says she wants to break up, you might say that you've been sensing some distance, and are relieved that she is doing that, because you, too, would like to date other women, but that the two of you can still be friends if she promises not to get romantically involved with you, and that you will be on the lookout for some really great guys she might want to date. This is a paradoxical approach, and it is an art form. And I can also tell you to date other women immediately, and the moment you find one you like better than her, she will find out, even if no one tells her, and she will likely want you back again. That's because of the Burns rule, which states: “People NEVER want what they CAN have; they ONLY want they CAN'T have!” Now, if you tell me this approach is phony, I would tell you that you're 200% right! And it's not only incredibly phony, it's amazingly effective! And a kinder word that “phony” might be to say that when someone starts pulling away, you have to switch into this style and strategic approach, and stop trying to be loving and sincere or logical, etc. Do NOT chase, simply open your hands and let go. It's the exact same strategy you might use to get close to a cat! Best, david Hi Willie, If you'd like, you can send me an example of what one of the Muslim ladies said to you, and exactly what you said next. Please select an interaction that didn't go well. Then I can analyze your response and suggest some alternative ways to respond in a dating situation. In fact, if you like, you can record it on the Relationship Journal that I've attached. Please fill in steps 1 through 4. Please do this right away as we record tomorrow. Best, david   Hi Dr. Burns, I cannot even tell you how much these emails are already changing my outlook. I truly want to thank you for taking the time and responding to these. One thing that caught my eye is the paradoxical approach. I never thought about it. In my mind, I feel you should work on relationships / never let go but if letting go is working on it, then that is something I really need to do. I am attaching two copies of the Relationship journal. One dealing with the topic of drugs and one with prayer. One thing I will tell you is that I usually bring these topics up myself because, in my mind, I don't want to deceive anyone and get these big topics out of the way as early on as I can and I think I am making a mistake somewhere here. Thank you, again, for taking the time and responding to these emails! Looking forward to what you think about the topics of conflict I have been having! Best Willie

Hey, autism parents!Michelle here, coming to you live from Hershey, Pennsylvania!My son has been sweeping the dance competition, taking home tons of awards. We're beyond excited! But I wanted to take a moment to share something special with you.Last Wednesday Night, from my hotel room, I completed an amazing workshop called "Unlocking Social Skills: The Five Secrets to Teaching Your Child with Autism How to Make Friends." This workshop is packed with valuable insights on how you can help your child develop crucial social skills.If you have a child with autism who is already potty trained, communicating, and managing problem behaviors, you definitely want to tune into this episode. It will guide you through the ins and outs of creating social skills and helping your child make friends.But if you're still working on the big three—potty training, communication, and reducing problem behaviors—I've got you covered! Reply to this email to learn more about my Champions for Our Children Masterclass, where we focus on these foundational skills.For a limited time, after you hear this episode, I'll invite you to join Next Level Autism, my membership program designed to take your child's skills to the next level.I hope you enjoy this episode and always feel free to reach out with any questions. It's an honor to serve you.

Mark 1:16–3:16I. What is Our North Star in Ministry?II. How Did Jesus Make Disciples?III. What is Maturity?IV. Five Secrets to Discipling Believers to MaturityV. The Hidden Gain of Maturity

Forget titles — it's your actions that determine if you're a true leader. So, what do your actions say about you? Are you simply chasing titles or taking the steps to establish yourself as a trusted leader?In this episode, I'm joined by Dr. Benjamin Ritter to discuss how to lead confidently and own the room no matter your position. We explore the core principles of authentic leadership, delving into how to gain genuine influence and develop executive presence, and common mistakes professionals are making as they try to climb the corporate ladder.Dr. Ritter shares practical strategies for increasing visibility and credibility, leveraging feedback for growth, and navigating toxic workplace cultures. Tune in to find out what action you can take TODAY to become a true leader and advance your career!TOPICS DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE:What it means to be a leader (no matter your title)Navigating toxic cultures with resilienceThe pitfalls of chasing titles over true leadershipHow to strategically leverage feedbackDefining and communicating your visionOvercoming ego and limiting beliefs in your careerBuilding credibility and expanding your influenceSign up to get Dr. Benjamin Ritter's free e-book, Five Secrets to Creating a Fulfilling Career!https://www.subscribepage.com/careeryouloveConnect with Dr. Benjamin Ritter:https://www.linkedin.com/in/drbenjaminritter-leadershipdevelopmentHave questions beyond our discussion about how to become a powerhouse leader? Book a call with me and let's talk! https://www.coachmebernadette.com/discoverycallConnect with Bernadette:https://www.facebook.com/shifttorich  https://www.instagram.com/balloffirebernadette https://www.linkedin.com/in/bernadetteboas https://pod.link/shedthecorporatebitchThis episode was produced by Podcast Boutique https://www.podcastboutique.comSupport the Show.

Forget titles — it's your actions that determine if you're a true leader. So, what do your actions say about you? Are you simply chasing titles or taking the steps to establish yourself as a trusted leader?In this episode, I'm joined by Dr. Benjamin Ritter to discuss how to lead confidently and own the room no matter your position. We explore the core principles of authentic leadership, delving into how to gain genuine influence and develop executive presence, and common mistakes professionals are making as they try to climb the corporate ladder.Dr. Ritter shares practical strategies for increasing visibility and credibility, leveraging feedback for growth, and navigating toxic workplace cultures. Tune in to find out what action you can take TODAY to become a true leader and advance your career!TOPICS DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE:What it means to be a leader (no matter your title)Navigating toxic cultures with resilienceThe pitfalls of chasing titles over true leadershipHow to strategically leverage feedbackDefining and communicating your visionOvercoming ego and limiting beliefs in your careerBuilding credibility and expanding your influenceSign up to get Dr. Benjamin Ritter's free e-book, Five Secrets to Creating a Fulfilling Career!https://www.subscribepage.com/careeryouloveConnect with Dr. Benjamin Ritter:https://www.linkedin.com/in/drbenjaminritter-leadershipdevelopmentHave questions beyond our discussion about how to become a powerhouse leader? Book a call with me and let's talk! https://www.coachmebernadette.com/discoverycallConnect with Bernadette:https://www.facebook.com/shifttorich  https://www.instagram.com/balloffirebernadette https://www.linkedin.com/in/bernadetteboas https://pod.link/shedthecorporatebitchThis episode was produced by Podcast Boutique https://www.podcastboutique.comSupport the Show.

After ten years and over a thousand conversations with HR leaders, Adam Weber is sharing five insights you can apply to your work right now. Before we get there, we need to address the challenge HR leaders face today. Despite reduced budgets and flat staff sizes, HR's role is more important than ever. Yet only 50% of executive teams view HR as the strategic partner they are. It's no wonder 98% of HR leaders are dealing with burnout. But the good news is it doesn't have to be this way. Stay tuned for future episodes where you'll learn how to unlock your HR career, become a more strategic leader, and do the work of your dreams. If this episode sparks a story, inspiration, or idea, let Adam know on LinkedIn!   Resources: For the entire interview, subscribe to HR Superstars on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or YouTube, Or tune in on our website. Original podcast track produced by Entheo. Want to connect with thousands of other strategic HR leaders like you? Join the HR Superstars Community! Listening on a desktop & can't see the links? Just search for HR Superstars in your favorite podcast player. Hear Adam's thoughts on elevating your HR career by following him on LinkedIn. Click here to download 15Five's HR Outcomes Playbook! For more on maximizing employee performance, engagement, and retention, click here.

Do you find yourself in a place where you feel less attractive or irresistible to your partner? You're not alone. It's a common challenge that many people face in their relationships. The good news is that there are strategies and actions you can take to become truly irresistible to your partner. In this Language of Love Bite, I share some golden nuggets to make you absolutely irresistible to your partner. Together, we dive into these transformative insights that can sprinkle some magic into your relationship. From cherishing your independence to keeping that flame of desire alive with little gestures of love, each tip is like a spark igniting deeper connections and joy. As we journey through the importance of loving yourself, looking after your appearance, and daring to explore new adventures together, a path unfolds. It's not just about spicing things up for a moment; it's about nurturing a love that's lasting and electrifying. With these simple yet powerful principles of independence, desire, appearance, exploration, and self-love, you will be on your way to crafting a relationship that's irresistibly beautiful. Remember, if you're seeking to elevate your sex life, visit my website and explore my course on quantum sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this episode, Monica discusses additional tips for delivering exceptional customer service, building on last week's discussion. Establishing a culture of service excellence within your organization begins with defining core values that promote exceptional service and aligning your team around them. Sharing a clear vision for your company's future ensures everyone is working towards a common goal, fostering unity and purpose. There's so much more to unpack in this episode to help guide you and your business in providing customer service that is memorable and helps grow your business. Episode Quote: The most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. ~Bill Gates Check out Zeus' Closet's Core Values Helpful Entrepreneurial Resources from Become Your Own Boss: Grab the FREE ebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠11 Secrets to Small Business Success⁠⁠⁠ Join the ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Become Your Own Boss Facebook Group⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Get your⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Become Your Own Boss Planner⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/becomeyourownboss/message Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/becomeyourownboss/support

Self-Acceptance, People who Resist, Secrets of Dynamic Job Interviews, Five Secrets with your Boss, Do Cognitive Distortions Cause Transgenderism? Note: The answers below were written by David prior to the podcast, just to give some structure to the discussion. Keep in mind that the actual live discussion by Rhonda and David will often go in different directions with different information and opinions. So, please listen to the podcast for the more complete answers! Questions for the this Ask David Podcast Rizwan suggests a new method for self-acceptance. Anonymous asks how to convince someone that depression is NOT due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. My father does not believe that you can change the way you FEEL by changing the way you THINK! Marc asks about tips for job interviews, as well as how to respond during periodic performance reviews at work. Brian asks if transgenderism could be the result of distorted thoughts. 1. Rizwan asks I have a question about the Acceptance Paradox that came to my mind during our Tuesday training group on 19 Dec, 23. As homework, will it be useful to ask clients to make a list of things which they have already accepted in life and made peace with? At the next stage, in the session, would it be useful if the therapist asks them, "why did you accept and make peace with those things? “Can you use the same criteria to accept other things in your lives which you are not accepting now?" Sincerely, Rizwan  David's take Yes, you can certainly try that and let us know how it works out? I do lots of spontaneous and “new” things in almost every therapy session. Some things work out, and others do not. That way, I learn from my clinical work. One thing to be aware of is that your proposed approach might overlap with “helping,” when a paradoxical approach might have more “punch” / impact, After all, the Acceptance Paradox is arguably more of a decision, than a skill. But try, even with yourself if you like, and let us know what you discover. TEAM constantly evolves, and you can be an important part of that process! Best, david 2. Anonymous asks how to convince someone that depression is not due to a chemical imbalance in the brain and that you can change the way you FEEL by changing the way you THINK? Hi David I love listening to your podcasts. And now I am seeing differences in my life but not my father who has been depressed for around 40 years. He is on medicines and has an extreme belief that it's on the basis of chemical imbalance. He is a pharmacist by profession, and loves to learn about how chemical changes mood swings. I am not able to convince him to read your books. He just take sleeping pills every single and sleeps all day. He is learning something about neuroplasticity which is actually the case that happens in cbt. But he think it's some kind of thought changing therapy which cannot change the chemical in our brain. Please help David. I would love you to answer this. Regards, Anonymous David's Response Hi, I once gave the keynote address at a research conference at the Harvard Medical School. When the department chairman introduced me, he something like, “Dr. David Burns is going to show us how you can change brain chemistry with CBT, and without drugs!” It was pretty cool! That's one dimension. And we could add more evidence and research findings to support our side of the argument. But on another level, we see the underlying issue of trying to convince someone who is taking an adversarial position and content with their own thinking and beliefs, and determined to argue no matter what evidence you present. In my experience, spending time trying to convince them is almost always a losing cause. All you do is engage in a frustrating philosophical debate, at least that's my thinking! The podcasts on the theme of “How to Help and How NOT to Help” might be useful, in case you are looking for help with your relationship with your father. Your love and concern for him is huge and very touching! Okay to use in an Ask David? I will not use your first name! Best, david 3. Marc asks for tips on job interviewing. Hi David, I hope you are keeping well. I am wondering if you have any tips / strategies/resources that you recommend for an upcoming job interview? Also, you once told a story of someone who worked in the tech industry that you counselled, and you recommended some questions for him to ask in periodic performance reviews. Does this ring a bell at all? I've had trouble remembering/locating this Podcast. Stay well, Marc David replies Hi Marc, Yes, we can discuss the secrets of successful job interview  on a podcast. I have LOTS of tips, actually, and we can perhaps do a podcast on this. We could also focus on how to respond to your supervisor during performance reviews, and I DO have an amazing story about that as well; it was the fellow who had been fired six times in two years. Thanks for reminding me. I might have given him the name of Rameesh, but not sure! Best, David  4. Brian asks: Could transgenderism result from distorted thoughts? Hi David, Happy New Year, and thank you for your amazing Monday podcasts. I just started listening to yours today about transgenderism. Could transgenderism be the result of distorted thoughts? I know it's a very sensitive subject like anti-depressants. Thanks, Brian David's Reply Hi Brian, Thanks for the question. Copying Robin, as she's the expert. But to my way of thinking, the answer is no. I believe, though I'm no expert, that gender identity as well as sexual preferences are primarily biological in origin, although there are obviously strong cultural influences and biases. For example, ice cream preferences are kind of inherent to people, and mysterious, and cannot be changed by changing our thinking! I love blueberry pie, and many others don't care for it. Just a preference! Saying that gender results from distorted thoughts might also be hurtful, as if our identities might be somehow “wrong” or “defective.” Might use as an Ask David question if you and Robin have no objection. Best, david Thanks for listening today!

Guest: Elizabeth Perry, MS, CCC-SLP - This episode discusses David Burns' "Five Secrets of Communication," showcasing these skills' significant impact on healing old wounds and building constructive relationships. Learn the secrets and power of effective and compassionate communication.

Jim Daly shares the top five marriage secrets of couples whose marriages have stood the test of time.   Support Family Ministry   If you've listened to any of our podcasts, please give us your feedback.

Deborah Graham, the Psychic Matchmaker from TLC, joins A Psychic's Story to talk about all things love and relationships – specifically the five secrets of love.Deborah is a third generation born psychic, having her earliest premonitions at the age of six. As Graham developed her gifts, she began to use her abilities to help those around her. With more than 30 years of experience as a psychic relationship expert and matchmaker, Deborah's work is all about connecting people with their true love and soulmate.Nichole and Deborah also discuss twin flames, the most common misconceptions people have about finding real love, and the importance of being authentic and true to yourself.To book a reading with Deborah visit psychicdeborahgraham.com. Listen to her podcast Psychic Connection with Deborah Graham wherever you get your podcasts. On it, Deborah does live readings and answers all of your questions related to love. You can get her book, Psychic Deborah Graham's Guide to Attracting and Keeping Your True Love, at your local bookstore or on Amazon.Get your hardcopy or paperback of Nichole's book with Dr. Scott Guerin, Looking for Angels: A Guide to Understanding and Connecting with Angels, at your favorite local bookstore, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Target or Walmart. Signed paperback copies are available at lookingforangelsbook.com. The audiobook is available on Audible and iTunes. A Psychic's Story wouldn't be possible without your support so THANK YOU for listening. And if you would like to support the podcast, please:SUBSCRIBE in your favorite podcast player.FOLLOW @apsychicsstory on Instagram.BOOK a session with Nichole.SIGN-UP to receive emails, news, alerts and more from A Psychic's Story.BECOME a Psychic Club member on Patreon to access additional content.This podcast is intended to inspire you on your personal journey toward inner peace. The podcast host, co-hosts or guests are not psychologists or medical doctors and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.Support the show

RATE, REVIEW, & FOLLOW FOR MORE!Do you focus more on how your partner should improve or more on how you should improve? Be honest!Most people focus way more on how their partner should improve rather than on how they should improve. That leads to problems because now you're blaming your partner and you can't control their behavior.Do this instead.Start focusing on how you can become a better partner.That's all you can control. Plus, the better you become, the more that will inspire your partner to improve too!Marriage Saver Society (MSS)The best thing you can give your partner for Valentine's Day is a better marriage. Don't you want more love in your relationship? I have the perfect solution. My leading digital course MSS.MSS will train you and your partner on how to resolve your resentments and rekindle your love from the comfort of your living room.Plus, I'm providing a special Valentine's Day discount of 25% off with coupon code "LOVE2024" if you purchase by 2/13! Sign up here! https://www.drwyattfisher.com/pages/marriage-saver-societyFOLLOW me on social for FREE daily tips!FacebookInstagramYouTubeTikTok

Are you ready to discover the five pivotal secrets that can elevate your Doula consultations from ordinary to extraordinary?If you've been wondering what it truly takes to transform every consultation into a resounding yes from potential Doula clients, then get out a pen and paper; this episode is for you!In this episode, we dive into the following:The game-changing follow-up technique that keeps your Doula services top-of-mind for clients...Why embracing this one mindset shift can skyrocket your success rate in Doula consultations...The underestimated strategy that can double your Doula client conversions...… and a whole lot more!If you're tired of missed opportunities and struggling to secure Doula clients, then you wanna listen up!Resources mentioned:>> Check out Doula Jumpstart, my in-depth program for starting, growing, and streamlining your IN-PERSON doula business.>> Get your FREE Airtable accountAre you feeling the call to Birthwork? I've got you covered! DM me “Impact” on Instagram and I'll share the details on how to get started.Ready to turn your in-person doula business into a crazy successful online business, too? I've got you. Click here and join me inside the Birthworker Membership.Don't forget to check out the blog post at www.birthworker.com/blog or follow along over on Instagram at @birthworkerpodcast for more. If these topics light you up, please rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening from. After you review the show - snap a pic and upload it here - and I'll send you a little surprise as a thank you.Your feedback helps this podcast grow and I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you!

Overcoming Loneliness Part 2-- A Master Class on the Feared Fantasy Technique Featuring Dr. Orly Marmur This is the second of a two-part series on loneliness, featuring the courageous personal work of Dr. Orly Marmur with Drs. David Burns and Jill Levitt as co-therapists. After Orly shared her story, we worked on helping her learn to use the Five Secrets, especially the Disarming Technique and Inquiry, to develop closer relationships with others. Jill described the philosophy of this approach as learning to be ”interested” in others—encouraging them to talk about themselves—rather than trying to be “interesting" or "impressive," which is usually a losing battle. We also worked with the Feared Fantasy technique to help Orly deal with her fear of rejection. Essentially, we explained that we would enter an Alice-in-Wonderland Nightmare World where there were two weird rules:. If you think people are judging you or looking down on you, they really are! In this Nightmare World, people are not polite but get right in your face and tell you all the negative thoughts they're having about you. We asked Orly to describe the worst criticisms she thought her friends might have about her. Here's the list: We're not really interested in you. You don't really say or create anything interesting. You are by yourself. We have families. You're not funny enough. You're not fun enough. You're too intellectual. You're too political. You're a liability. Orly bravely took the role of herself to kick things off, and Jill and David played the role of the “friends from hell,” and verbalized these criticisms to Orly. At first Orly struggled to respond effectively to the critical statements. She got stuck defending herself at times, and forgot to express interest in the critic and the specific criticisms. David and Jill modeled more effective responses, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, including The Disarming Technique (finding truth in the criticisms), Inquiry (ask for more information with a spirit of curiosity) Thought and Feeling Empathy (acknowledging how the critic was thinking and feeling) “I Feel” Statements (sharing feelings like sadness, shame, and loneliness in an open, respectful way) and Stroking (expressing positive regard for the critic, even in the heat of battle). Orly did a fantastic job, as you'll hear on the podcast, and we did some role reversals to refine certain responses. The goal of the Feared Fantasy is not so much to prepare for rejection in the real world, since very few people would ever say these things in such a harsh and open way. The Feared Fantasy “Monster” actually exists primarily in your own mind. But since most of us never think about the thing we fear, we don't realize or discover that the monster has no teeth. That is to say that by engaging with your greatest interpersonal fears, you discover that if someone were to attack you with over the top vague criticisms, you would survive, and it would reveal something terrible about the other person, not about you! The Feared Fantasy Technique brings this to life in a dramatic, emotional, and vivid way. At the end of the session there was a dramatic reduction in all of Orly's scores on the Emotions Table of her Dailly Mood log. Her Unhappiness dropped from 40 to 0 Anxiety dropped from 100 to 5 Shame went from 85 to 0 Worthlessness dropped from 95 to 0 Loneliness fell from 100 to 10 Self-consciousness fell from 8 to 5 Hopelessness fell from 100 to 5 Stuck and defeated fell from 100 to 0 Resentment fell from 90 to 0 Disappointed in myself fell from 100 to 0 As you can see, there was a dramatic reduction in all of her scores. We asked Orly what the most important healing elements during the session were. What techniques were that were most helpful. Orly said that the empathy from Jill and David was really  important as she felt heard and accepted. The Feared Fantasy Technique also made a huge difference, as it taught her what she wanted, which was to feel intense feelings without doing anything about them. Orly felt that this is the continuation of earlier work that made her realize that she struggles with Emotophobia (which means “the fear of feeling your emotions), and she wanted to increase her capacity to simply feel. Rhonda, Jill, and David want to give a shout out and virtual hug to Orly for a most fantastic session and learning opportunity for all of us. Teaching Points Here are a few teaching points for therapists as well as the general public. The secret of meaningful relationships is to be interested in others instead of trying to be “interesting” or impressive. You do not need to add more accomplishments to the list in order to feel close and loved by others. The Disarming and Inquiry Techniques (which are parts of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication) are extremely important in calming troubled relationships, if used skillfully, because they open the door for the other person to be heard and validated, and hopefully interested in healing and repairing the relationship. When you use the Feared Fantasy Technique, you discover that the rejecting “monster” you feared has no teeth, and you may also discover that you are the one who created it. In other words, the “monster” you've feared was always just the projection of your own self-criticisms! The Feared Fantasy is an intense method that can be helpful when the patient feels “trapped” or intensely afraid of rejection. However, it requires a strong foundation of trust between the therapist and the patient, especially when you respond to the “monster's” criticisms with acceptance and vulnerability. The more “over the top” the criticism is in the feared fantasy, usually, the more successful the method is, because you discover two things: 1) that the extremely harsh criticisms reveal something negative about the critic, rather than about you, and 2) specific criticisms (e.g., “you haven't read enough books”) are very easy to agree with and disarm and do not have to hurt your ego! Rhonda pointed out that during the early empathy phase of the session, Jill and David did “very basic, simple empathy” without any attempt to cheerlead or “help.” Very few therapists can do this, and most therapists don't even realize that their empathy / listening skills are poor. The use of David's empathy scale at the end of every session with every patient can be extremely eye-opening for therapists who are brave, because you will see how your patient really sees you and rates your empathy skills. Effective therapy is highly individualized and rarely or never formulaic. Orly started out by asked for help with symptoms of PTSD that started the day of the horrendous slaughter of many Israeli citizens by the invading Hamas fighters. But the session evolved into something entirely personal involving Orly's relationships with herself and with other people. In the end, Orly worked on accepting herself, connecting with others, and reducing her own perfectionism and perceived perfectionism, a therapeutic agenda that emerged as David and Jill empathized and collaborated with Orly. This led to Orly feeling less lonely, isolated, and numb, and more able to feel her feelings! Follow-up (many weeks later) Orly reported that she has felt “calm and quiet” since her session. She has definitely attempted to use the Disarming and Inquiry Techniques in several relationship situations, but said that the most important change has been her feelings of “inner calm and peace of mind.” She said that she is no longer so invested in doing for others or attempting to show people that she is there for them. She simply lets things unfold naturally and is now able to let go and accept it when things she hoped for don't happen. This may be related to reducing her underlying beliefs around perfectionism and perceived perfectionism that were targeted in the feared fantasy work that she did during the session. Instead of thinking that she has to be impressive in order to be loved, she has learned to accept herself, which is arguably the greatest change a human can make! For those who might be looking for a bottom line, I (David) might summarize Orly's subtle but remarkable change as a boost in acceptance of self and the world—a result that is easy to explain, but difficult for most people to comprehend, and even harder implement in our own lives. A big thanks to you, Orly, for teaching all of us through your own courageous personal work as the New Year unfolds and hopefully offers more world peace and increased love and connection. Thanks for listening! Warmly, Rhonda, Jill, Orly, and David  

The Anxious Child— Three Common Errors Parents Make, and How to Avoid Them!  Featuring Dr. Taylor Chesney Today we interview Dr. Taylor Chesney who is the Director of the New York office of the Feeling Good Institute. She specializes in the treatment of children and teens, and today will tell us about the three biggest errors parents make in dealing with anxious kids. Dr. Chesney has been a guest on several of our podcasts in the past (episodes 107 and 263, and Corona Casts 4 and 6) and is a terrific teacher and therapist. She recently taught a 12 week course for therapists working with teens and children (ages 6 to 18) and their parents and brings us some of the highlights today. She always begins treatment by interviewing the child and the parents and pinpoints what they want help with. Then she assesses how hard they are willing to work to bring about that change. The goals may be quite different for the child and the parents. It's crucial to develop a meaningful therapeutic contract with the children, as well as the parents, as opposed to thinking your role is to “fix” the child for the parents. If the child is less than 11 years old, she meets with the parents first. If the child is 12 and up, she meets with the child first. Either way, she empathizes with the child and encourage them to tell their side of the problem. During or after empathizing, she does Positive Reframing, to show the child what their negative feelings, like depression and anxiety, show about them that's positive and awesome. For example, if you're sad about not being invited to a birthday party, it shows that you value friendships, and that you care a lot about other people. If the child is anxious, she will teach them how their anxiety can be helpful. For example, if the child is a good athlete or student, anxiety can be an important motivating force in their success. But sometimes we might get too anxious and feel intensely anxious about something that is not actually dangerous. Then you might experience your anxiety as trouble eating, a belly ache, trouble sleeping, or some other symptom that gets in the way of your optimal functioning. The most important question with parents and children is usually: “Do you want to learn some tools and skills to help you change the way you feel?” She also teaches children and teens what different kinds of emotions are, and the kinds of thoughts that trigger them. For example, if you feel anxious, you're probably telling yourself that you're in danger and that something bad is about to happen. If you feel guilty, you're probably telling yourself that you've done something bad, or that you hurt someone you love; and if you're feeling angry you may be telling yourself that someone is trying to hurt you or take advantage of you. Taylor brings the core cognitive therapy ideas to life with examples that children can understand.  Here's how she explains the idea, taught by Epictetus nearly 2,000 years ago, that our feelings do not result from what happens to us, but from our thoughts about what's happening. Let's say that you got a 90 on a test. How would you feel? You might feel overjoyed if you studied hard and felt like you did a good job and got a wonderful grade. However, if you felt like you had to get a 95 to raise your semester grade in the class to an A, and you even skipped going to the prom to study extra hard, you might feel sad, ashamed, frustrated, angry, and disappointed, telling yourself that you “failed.” Same grade, but two radically different emotional reactions, depending on how you think about your grade. Conclusion: it's not what happens, but what you tell yourself, that triggers all of your positive and negative feelings. Taylor said that anxiety is incredibly common in her clinic population and that surveys indicate that a whopping 25% of children have an anxiety disorder. She teaches her patients that anxiety in children, teens, and adults results from giving in to the urge to escape from a frightening or uncomfortable situation instead of facing your fears and discovering that the monster has no teeth. For example, Taylor was in the ocean with her 9 year old son, and there were jellyfish in the ocean. Her son was terrified and wanted to get out of the water and back to the shore. Taylor asked him what he was telling himself, and he said he was thinking that the jellyfish were bad. She also told him, “It's okay to be afraid and to be careful and avoid the jelly fish, but you can also choose to stay in the ocean. Then we can have some fun together playing in the water.” He decided to stay and have fun and felt proud of himself! She described Three Common Mistakes parents make in dealing with an anxious child. Error #1: The Quiet Out Trap She explained that we love our children, and don't want them to suffer, so we may give them an easy way out. For example, if your child is afraid to go to the party when you are dropping them off, you might say, “If you don't want to go to the party, we can go home.” This seems like a kind and loving thing to do, protecting your child. However, you're teaching the child that he or she can escape from anxiety through avoidance, so the child's fear of social interactions actually increases. It also teaches the child that you don't think they can handle the situation. An alternate response would be to say, “Let's go in and sit down together!” She advised against cheerleading or trying to convince your child that they have nothing to be afraid of (e.g. “it's not that scary” “there's nothing to be afraid of.”) Instead, you can tell them that it's okay to feel the fear but do it anyway, and you can often model that together with them. Error #2: The Escalation Trap In this trap, you let your fearful and avoidant child become more and more anxious and demanding, until they freak out and throw a temper tantrum, and then you give in to them. This, again, provides immediate relief, but in the long run you are training them to escalate and throw a tantrum to escape from having to face their fears, and on a broader scale, any time they want to get what they want. Error #3: The Mental Filtering Trap Mental Filtering is one of the ten original cognitive distortions, and it means focusing on the negatives in any situation and ignoring, or discounting the positives. It's a common cause of depression, but can also be a communication error if you focus excessively on what your child is doing wrong. Instead of pointing out your child's errors, you might say, “Johnny, I love how you stayed calm when X happened. You're really getting good at that.” In other words, you can comment on what they are doing right. She said that showing kids how to be successful is more effective than berating them for what they're doing wrong. This is an effective and low-stress way of reshaping their self-defeating behaviors. David mentioned that this positive style of communicating can also be highly effective in a work environment, and that he uses it a great deal in his interactions with colleagues on the app team. If done in a genuine way, it can quickly reduce conflict and enhance morale and mutual respect. How to Teach Parents David asked Taylor if many parents resist implementing these kinds of changes. Taylor said that if she calmly and clearly teaches the parents what they're doing that isn't working, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, most parents quickly become motivated to grasp their mistakes and change their strategies in dealing with their children. Taylor also “Sits with Open Hands” when making suggestions to parents. She explains it like this: This means that if what the parents are doing works for them, and they aren't willing to work hard to make changes, I accept this. But if they're willing to work hard and change, we can work together to help them implement more effective parenting strategies. Getting parents to work together as a team can be very important, but some parents may fight over the best way to discipline and raise their kids. These conflicts between mom and dad are one of the major causes of the unhappiness in the kids and get in the way of change. Taylor emphasizes “Little Steps for Big Feets,” and might set small attainable goals for the parents who are at odds. For example, can they just sit next to each other and perhaps even “fake” a unified front for one conversation? Parents do not have to commit to making these changes “for the rest of their lives,” but make experimental small changes instead, for a small discrete period of time, and then check in and see if the change makes a difference. If it does, they may be motivated to continue to try to implement more changes. Taylor typically works with children and their parents for 12 to 16 sessions and gives them a tool set to change some specific problem they came to therapy to solve. She has worked virtually for the most part since the start of the pandemic, but is now starting to see some people in person again. She offers classes for mental health professionals and also runs a monthly case consultation group on the last Wednesday of every month from 12:30 – 2 pm EST. For more information, you can reach Dr. Chesney at Taylor@FeelingGoodInstitute.com. Every fall, Taylor teaches a 12-week training course for therapists on TEAM-CBT for children and adolescents. You can also check the www.FeelingGoodInstitute.com website for more information on TEAM-CBT training for children and adults. Thanks for listening today! Rhonda, Taylor, and David

Personal Work with Dr. Tom Gedman-- Overcoming Performance Anxiety The Triumphant Conclusion Last week you heard Part 2 of our personal work with Dr. Tom Gedman, which included T = Testing and E = Empathy. This week you will hear the dramatic and inspiring conclusion of the session, including A = Assessment of Resistance and M = Methods. Dr. Tom's beloved pal   Start of Part 2 A = Assessment of Resistance We began with the Invitation Step, asking Dr. Gedman what he hoped to accomplish in today's session. His list included: Develop some clarity on the direction of my business. Become more authentic in my video recordings promoting my clinical work. Increase in self-confidence. Feel accepted by David and Rhonda. My ability to push ahead during recordings instead of stopping and backing down because it isn't “good enough.” Dr. Gedman said that he'd gladly push the Magic Button to make his negative thoughts and feelings instantly disappear, but agreed to look at some of the positives in them first by asking these types of questions of each negative thought or feeling. Is there some truth in this negative thought? Could this negative thought or feeling be appropriate or even healthy, given my circumstances? How might this negative thought or feeling be helping me? What does this negative thought or feeling show about me and my core values that's positive and awesome? Could there be some negative consequences of giving up this negative thought or feeling? The Positives in My Negatives Negative thought: “I can't be authentic on videos. I look like such s smug phony.” I want to be other-centered, and focused on how I might be able to relieve the emotional struggles and health problems of my patients. I value being authentic and genuine. I want to help people who resonate with my message. I don't want to hide. I want to be open with my flaws. I value honesty and integrity. I value humility. I value compassion. Negative feeling: sadness I care a great deal about my dream. I don't want to fail and let my family down. Negative feeling: shame Motivates me to work harder Shows my love for my family. I'm aware that I'm letting down the very people I want to help. Negative feeling: inferior, inadequate Show that I respect and admire the many people who have superior skills at talking live in front of a camera. Shows that I'm aware of what others have accomplished. Shows I don't feel superior to others. The idea behind the Positive Reframing is to help the patients see that their negative thoughts and feelings are not the expression of what's “wrong” with them, but what's right with them. This paradoxically reduces the resistance to change and opens the door to the possibility of rapid recovery. You can see Dr. Gedman's goals for each of the negative feelings on his Daily Mood Log if you click here. As you can see, instead of trying to eliminate his negative thoughts and feelings by pushing the Magic Button, he has decided to dial them down to lower levels with the Magic Dial. Of course, these are only goals. We will need methods to challenge and smash his negative thoughts so we can reduce his negative feelings. M = Methods Rhonda, Tom, and David used a variety of methods to work on several negative thoughts Tom wanted to work on first, including numbers 1, 2, and 4 from Tom's Daily Mood Log.. I can't be authentic. I look like a smug phony. 100% I waste so much time on my videos. I should be quicker. This should be easier. 100% David and Rhonda will judge me for what I'm doing. 80% We used several methods including Explain the Distortions, Survey Technique, Externalization of Voices (with Self-Defense, Acceptance Paradox, Counter-Attack Technique,) and more You can see Dr. Gedman's end-of-session scores on his nine negative feelings on his Daily Mood Log if you click here. As you can see, eight of the feelings fell all the way to zero, and his feelings of inadequacy fell from 100 all the way to 5. Toward the end of the session, we discussed Tom's medical and psychological philosophy, which might appeal to some of our podcast fans, especially if you live in England. First, he uses TEAM-CBT in individual two-hour sessions to help help people who are struggling with feelings of depression and anxiety. He finds this work thrilling because you can often see amazing changes within a single session, just like we saw in Tom's work today. Dr. Gedman also hopes to develop TEAM-CBT groups as well. This can be difficult because you need many referrals, but in my experience, TEAM groups can be incredibly effective, and cost-effective as well. In addition, Tom also has a Functional Medical Practice which focuses on developing healthy nutritional and eating habits, consistent exercise, limiting the intake of toxins, developing loving relationships via the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, and enhancing spirituality. If you would like to contact Dr. Gedman and learn more about his clinical practice, he can be reached at www.DrTomGedman.com. Toward the beginning of these show notes, I reminded everyone of how anxious and insecure our beloved Rhonda felt at the start of our work together, when she took over for Fabrice. And now, she seems to be the poster child for charm, warmth, humor, and charisma. That doesn't usually happen automatically. Rhonda, like Tom, did her hard personal work, using the Daily Mood Log and several TEAM-CBT methods. But one thing that has been especially helpful to her, after initially “beating” her insecurity, has been the constant exposure work, with hours of weekly podcast recordings. I, too, have had the chance to do constant, ongoing exposure for my own extreme feelings of inadequacy in front of live audiences or cameras, since I teach every week at my Stanford psychotherapy training class, as well as frequent  workshops, In addition, I have recorded almost daily for the Feeling Great App, which should be released in the first quarter of 2024. This exposure work has helped me cement and extend my gains in overcoming my own performance anxiety. I plan to contact Tom to recommend the same. Perhaps in England they have program similar to Toastmasters, where you can have the chance to speak in public frequently and get valuable feedback from peers and colleagues. I want to give a big hug and thanks to you, Tom, for sharing your intensely personal and real personal work with all of us today, and thanks, too, for reminding us of our own humanity and the magic of humility and the “Great Death” of the “Self.” Thanks for listening today! Tom, Rhonda, and David

Welcome back to the Law School Toolbox podcast! Today we are going to continue the conversation from our last episode with a discussion about persuasive writing in the workplace and some thoughts on the future of legal writing in the age of AI. In this episode we discuss: Differences between objective and persuasive legal writing Common legal writing assignments for summer associates and new lawyers Tips for effective persuasive writing in the workplace How AI is influencing legal writing Resources: Tutoring for Law School Success (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/tutoring-for-law-school-success/) Casetext (https://casetext.com/) Podcast Episode 45: Writing Effectively in Your Summer Legal Job (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/podcast-episode-45-writing-effectively-summer-legal-job/) Podcast Episode 68: Top 10 Legal Research and Writing Disasters to Avoid (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/podcast-episode-68-legal-writing-disasters/) Podcast Episode 428: Legal Research and Writing in the Workplace (Part 1) (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/podcast-episode-428-legal-research-and-writing-in-the-workplace-part-1/) Using Legal Writing in the Workplace (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/using-legal-writing-in-the-workplace/) Three Cs of Legal Writing…And One T (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/three-cs-of-legal-writingand-one-t/) Tips for Legal Writing at Your Summer Job (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/tips-for-legal-writing-at-your-summer-job/) Five Secrets of Effective Legal Writing (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/five-secrets-of-effective-legal-writing/) From Objective to Persuasive Writing, Part 1: Law (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/10818-2/) From Objective to Persuasive Writing, Part 2: Facts (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/objective-to-persuasive-writing-part-two/) Download the Transcript  (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/episode-429-legal-research-and-writing-in-the-workplace-part-2/) If you enjoy the podcast, we'd love a nice review and/or rating on Apple Podcasts (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/law-school-toolbox-podcast/id1027603976) or your favorite listening app. And feel free to reach out to us directly. You can always reach us via the contact form on the Law School Toolbox website (http://lawschooltoolbox.com/contact). If you're concerned about the bar exam, check out our sister site, the Bar Exam Toolbox (http://barexamtoolbox.com/). You can also sign up for our weekly podcast newsletter (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/get-law-school-podcast-updates/) to make sure you never miss an episode! Thanks for listening! Alison & Lee

Today's special guest, Brittany. Podcast 375. I'm Struggling! Ask David Live: a New Podcast Twist We start today's podcast with a visit from Dr. Jacob Towery. You might recall that one year ago he offered an amazing and (almost) totally free two-day workshop for shrinks and the general public on overcoming social anxiety. Roughly 90 people attended, and it was a huge success. The only “cost” was a $20 contribution to a charity of your choice, including Doctors Without Borders and several others. Dr. Jacob Towery This year, Dr. Towery will be repeating this incredible program on March 16 and 17, 2024, which will be on a Saturday and Sunday, in Palo Alto. Once again, the title will be “Finding Humans Less Scary.” Jacob and Michael Luo will lead the program and will be assisted by 10 - 20 expert therapists who will lead the break-out groups. Last year, people described the program as “transformative” and “life-changing.” Social anxiety can have a significant impact on your life, so you owe it to yourself to attend if you or a loved one has struggled with any of the five common forms of social anxiety:Shy Bladder Syndrome Shyness in social situations Public Speaking Anxiety Performance Anxiety Test Anxiety You'll learn and practice tons of awesome anxiety-busting techniques, including Smile and Hello Practice, Flirting Training, Rejection Practice, Talk Show Host, Shame-Attacking Exercises, and much more. Social anxiety rarely exists alone, but is nearly always associated with other mood problems, such as loneliness, shame, depression, and substance misuse with alcohol and benzodiazepine pills to try to combat the symptoms, to name just a few. How do you sign up? It's easy! Just go to FindingHumansLessScary.com If you attend, let us know how it worked out for you, what you learned, and how you grew. Thanks so much, Jacob, for making this kind of world-class experience available to everyone who's looking for some help, and some wild, life-changing and zany fun in March! Brittany, an enthusiastic podcast fan, asked for help with a conflict with her husband. She wrote: Hi Dr. Burns, I'm struggling a bit. My husband reads a ton of articles and feels that the media has been portraying a lot of the current events incorrectly, especially the horrifying Israel/Palestine conflict. He is extremely frustrated by this and has become depressed because none of his friends or family seems to want to talk about it. He says he feels alone & isolated. I have never been much into politics, abd I don't know enough to have a real opinion on things to say who is right. I try to be a good listener to whatever he says. For example, I may say “yeah, that sounds really frustrating,” and then I agree with what he says. But I'm obviously doing a bad job at the empathy because he says the support he gets from me is not satisfactory at all. Sometimes I feel like a parrot, just repeating back what he says. I think you had an example before on an Ask David where you showed how to empathize with someone who says how awful everyone is and how awful all the liberals are. Something like that. But I can't find it. When I empathize my husband says I just don't get it and nobody is doing anything to help these innocent people who are being attacked, and he says that I am not doing anything either. I'm at a loss on how to reply? Maybe you could do an example on an Ask David. Sorry for the long message. - Brittany Hi Brittany, Sorry you're struggling, this is a common but important problem. Yes, we can and will do that. Can you give me an example of something he says to you, and exactly what you say next? You can use the attached Relationship Journal I you like. Try to complete steps 1 and 2 at least, and mail back to me ASAP. Lots of people with this problem these days, so could be great ASK D question. Weren't you on the show live once a few years back? I know you've sent us some great questions. I'm thinking MAYBE you could join and practice with us, using your example. Do you have / have you read my book, Feeling Good Together? Best, david It turned out that Brittany was eager and willing to join us live on today's podcast . This is kind of an experimental podcast where we not only respond to a great question by one of our fans, but actually invite that person to get our “expert” help in real time and live on a podcast. You can let us know if you like this format. To get us started, Brittany sent us an example of a Relationship Journal she had prepared. I thought this was really well done, and gave her revised version a grade of A-, which is way better than most people can do. I sent her an email saying that she could probably add more acknowledgement of his feelings and her feelings, like feeling alone and hurt and a bit lonely, and also a bit more Stroking, like "I want you to know how much I love you, and how special you are to me. And that's why it's so had for me to realize that I've really been letting you down." We practiced with Brittany using my Intimacy Drill, which you'll hear on the podcast. Essentially, one of us would play the role of Brittany's husband, and we would say something she wanted help responding to, and she used the Five Secrets to respond. Then Rhonda, Matt and David gave her an overall grade (from A to F), along with fine tuning suggestions, emphasizing what she did that was especially effective and if there were any changes that might make her excellent responses even better. Then we did role reversals so we could demonstrate ow we might respond, followed by additional role plays until she was satisfied with her response. Five Secrets of Effective Communication This approach is called "Deliberate Practice" and it is by FAR the best way to master the Five Secrets so you can use them successfully in real time. We also discussed her concern that at home she'd been feeling like "a parrot" when she tried the Five Secrets. That is always caused by the absence of "I Feel" Statements in your statements, and we modelled how to correct this error. One of the biggest problems in the way people communicate during a conflict or argument is defensiveness, and given in the urge to argue and defend your territory, so to speak. Matt explained that this nearly always results from thinking you have a "self" that you have to defend. Another common Five Secrets error is the failure to acknowledge the other person's anger. Therapists and the general public nearly always make this error, because of a mindset I call "anger phobia" or "conflict phobia." However, Brittany did really beautiful work during the podcast exercises, as you'll see when you listen. We (the so-called "experts") also practiced what we preached and took turns responding to criticisms, which is always fun and challenging, and often humbling when we goof up! Let us know what you think about this new format of having someone who asks a question actually appear live on the podcast so you can actually learn through practice while we answer your question. Thanks for listening today, and thank you Brittany for blazing new trails on our podcasting adventure! Brittany, Rhonda, Matt, and David

Welcome back to the Law School Toolbox podcast! Today we have the first episode in a two-part series on legal writing in the workplace. This episode is going to focus on objective legal writing and some best practices for office communications. Next time we will be discussing persuasive legal writing.  In this episode we discuss: How legal writing is different in the work context than in law school classes Common legal writing assignments for summer associates and new lawyers Objective and persuasive legal documents Tips on doing well on your writing assignments at work Help resources for effective legal research Best practices for professional office communication Resources: Tutoring for Law School Success (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/tutoring-for-law-school-success/) Podcast Episode 45: Writing Effectively in Your Summer Legal Job (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/podcast-episode-45-writing-effectively-summer-legal-job/) Podcast Episode 68: Top 10 Legal Research and Writing Disasters to Avoid (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/podcast-episode-68-legal-writing-disasters/) Using Legal Writing in the Workplace (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/using-legal-writing-in-the-workplace/) Three Cs of Legal Writing…And One T (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/three-cs-of-legal-writingand-one-t/) Tips for Legal Writing at Your Summer Job (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/tips-for-legal-writing-at-your-summer-job/) Five Secrets of Effective Legal Writing (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/five-secrets-of-effective-legal-writing/) How to Ace Your Objective Legal Writing Memo (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/how-to-ace-your-objective-legal-writing-memo/) From Objective to Persuasive Writing, Part 1: Law (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/10818-2/) From Objective to Persuasive Writing, Part 2: Facts (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/objective-to-persuasive-writing-part-two/) Download the Transcript  (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/episode-428-legal-research-and-writing-in-the-workplace-part-1/) If you enjoy the podcast, we'd love a nice review and/or rating on Apple Podcasts (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/law-school-toolbox-podcast/id1027603976) or your favorite listening app. And feel free to reach out to us directly. You can always reach us via the contact form on the Law School Toolbox website (http://lawschooltoolbox.com/contact). If you're concerned about the bar exam, check out our sister site, the Bar Exam Toolbox (http://barexamtoolbox.com/). You can also sign up for our weekly podcast newsletter (https://lawschooltoolbox.com/get-law-school-podcast-updates/) to make sure you never miss an episode! Thanks for listening! Alison & Lee

Featured photo is Mina as a child (more pics below!) 374 Anger, Part 2 You Have Always Hated Me! In the Anger Part 1 podcast (371 on November 20), Rhonda, Matt and David discussed the fact that when you're feeling angry, there's always an inner dialogue—this is what you're saying to yourself, the way you're thinking about the situation—and an outer dialogue—this is what you're saying to the other person. In Part 1, we focused on the inner dialogue and described the cognitive distortions that nearly always fill your mind with anger-provoking inner chatter about the ‘awfulness” of the person you're mad at. Those distortions include All-or-Nothing Thinking, Overgeneralization, Labeling, Mental Filtering, Discounting the Positive, Mind-Reading, Fortune Telling, Emotional Reasoning, Other-Directed Should Statements, and Other-Blame. That's a lot—in fact, all but Self-Blame. And sometimes, when you're ticked off, you might also be blaming yourself, and feel mad at yourself at the same time. Matt suggested I add these comments on Self-Blame or it's absence:: Another possible addition would be when you identify the absence of Self Blame when we're angry. For me, it's been easier to think of that as a positive distortion, because you are blind to, or ignoring, your own role in the problem. In other words, when I'm blaming someone else, it's me thinking my poop smells great and tit's all the other person's fault.. I've wondered if we fool ourselves like this because of the desire to have a special and perfect “self,” which we then defend. Because nobody's perfect, our "ideal self," as opposed to our "real self," is just a pleasant, but potentially destructive, fantasy. Still, we try to preserve and project the fantasy that we are free of blame and the innocent victim of the other person's "badness," , and we imagine there we have a perfect “self” to defend. Or, as you've said, at times, David, “anger is often just a protective shell to hide and protect our more tender and genuine feelings.” We also discussed the addictive aspect of anger, since you probably feel morally superior to the “bad” person you're ticked off at when you're mad, and this makes it fairly unappealing to change the way you're thinking and feeling. Your anger also protects you from the risk of being vulnerable and open and genuine. Today we discuss the Outer Dialogue, and how to express angry feelings to another person, as well as how to respond to their expressions of anger. The main concept is that you can express anger in a healthy way, by sharing your anger respectfully, or you can act out your anger aggressively, by attacking the other person. That's a critically important decision! Toward the start of today's podcast, Rhonda, Matt and David listed some of the distinctions between healthy and unhealthy anger. The following is just a partial list of some of the differences:   Healthy Anger Unhealthy Anger You treat the other person with respect, even if you're angry. You want to put the other person down. Your goal is to get closer to the other person. You want to get revenge or hurt or humiliate the other person. You hope to improve the relationship. You want to reject or distance yourself from the other person. You want to understand the other person's mindset and find the truth in what they're saying, even if it sounds ‘off' or ‘disturbing' or offensive. You want to prove that the other person is ‘wrong' and persuade them that you are ‘right'. You want to understand and accept the other person. You insist on trying to change the other person. You express yourself thoughtfully. You express yourself impulsively. You come from a mindset of humility, curiosity, and flexibility. You come from a position of moral superiority, judgement, and rigidity. You are patient. You are pushy and demanding. Optimism that things can improve and that there's a great potential for a more meaningful and loving connection. Hopelessness and feelings of certainty that things cannot improve. Open to what I've done wrong and how I've hurt you. Focus on what you've done wrong and how you've hurt me. I-Thou mindset. I-It mindset. You're vulnerable and open to your hurt feelings. You put up a wall of toughness and try to hide your vulnerable true feelings.. You look for positive motives, if possible, and don't assume that you actually understand how the other person is thinking and feeling.. You attribute malignant motives to the other person and imagine that you can read their mind and know exactly why they feel the way they do. You accept and comprehend the idea that you can feel intensely angry with someone and love them at the same time.. You may believe that anger and love are dichotomies, and that conflict and anger, in some way, are the ‘opposite' of love or respect.. To bring some dynamics and personality to today's podcast, Mina, who's made a number of noteworthy appearances on the podcast, agreed to describe what she learned on a recent Sunday hike. (I've started up my Sunday hikes again, but in a small way now that the pandemic has subsided, at least for the time being. I'm struggling with low back pain when walking and that severely limits how far I can go.) Mina began by explaining that when she was talking to her mom on the phone. Her mom described a conflict with woman friend who seemed angry with Mina's mom. Mina said, “I can see why that woman got angry with you.“ Mina explained that her mother, who is “conflict phobic,” paradoxically ends up with conflicts with a lot of people. However, Mina's mother sounded hurt by Mina's comment, and said, “You've always hated me since you were a little girl! You always looked at me hatefully!” Here are some of Mina's "angry" childhood photos:   Mina explained how she felt when her mom said, "You've always hated me.” My jaw dropped when she said that! It was such a shock. I've always felt like she was my best friend! . . . I hate feeling angry. It makes me every bit as uncomfortable as anxiety. If I express my anger, it goes away, and I feel better. But I don't usually express it, and then it comes back disguised as weird neurologic symptoms. And that, of course, is the Hidden Emotion phenomenon that is so common in people who struggle with anxiety. When you try to squash or hide negative feelings your think you're not “supposed' to have, they often resurface in disguised form, as phobias, panic, OCD symptoms, chronic worrying, or any type of anxiety, including, as in Mina's case Health Anxiety—that's where you become convinced you have some serious neurologic or medical problem, like Multiple Sclerosis. Matt suggested that I might remind folks of my concept that “anger allays get expressed, one way or the other.” He's found this idea to be both true and incredibly helpful for “us nice folks who think we can get away without expressing our anger, thinking we can avoid conflicts, entirely. This always backfires, in my experience!” On the recent Sunday hike, Mina practiced how to talk with her mom, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. After that, she used what she'd practiced on the hike to talk to her mom about their relationship, and then got an “I love you” message from her mom the next morning. This made Mina very happy, but because she had a full day of back to back appointments, Mina decided to spend time crafting a thoughtful reply at the end of the day, when she had a little free time. But when she went back to her computer at the end of the day to send a message to her mom, she discovered that her mother had deleted the loving message she sent early in the day, and Mina felt hurt. When Mina asked her mom about it, her mom said that deleting the message was just an error due to ‘old age.” However, Mina did not really buy this, and thought her mom probably felt hurt and angry because Mina had not responded sooner. In the podcast, we practiced responding to mom using the role-play exercise I developed years ago. Essentially, one person plays the role of Mina's mom, and says something challenging or critical. Mina plays herself and responds as skillfully as possible with the Five Secrets, acknowledging the other person's anger and expressing her own feelings as well. We practiced responding to mom's statement, “You've always hated me.” Matt played the role of mom and Mina gave a beautiful Five Secrets response. You'll enjoy hearing her response, and Matt's and Rhonda's helpful feedback, when you listen to the podcast. Then Mina asked for help responding to another statement from her mom, who had also said: All of the kids your age are angry, because you were neglected a lot of the time because of the war in Iran, and your dad and I were busy doing what we had to do to survive and avoid being arrested. All of my Iranian friends with children your age are experiencing the same thing. Matt and Rhonda did more role plays with Mina, followed by excellent feedback on Mina's Five Secrets response. Again, I think you'll enjoy the role-playing and fine tuning when you listen to the podcast. One of the obvious take-home messages from today's podcast is to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication when you're feeling angry and talking to someone who's angry with you as week, As a reminder, these are the Five Secrets. LINK TO 5 SECRETS And to make it simple, you can think of talking with your EAR: E = Empathy (listening with the Disarming Technique, Thought and Feeling Empathy, and Inquiry) A = Assertiveness (sharing your feelings openly with “I Feel” Statements) R = Respect (showing warmth and caring with Stroking) However, here's the rub: People who are angry will usually NOT want to do this! When you're ticked of, you will almost always have a huge preference for expressing yourself with the Unhealthy Anger described above. Matt urged me to publish my list of 36 reasons why this intense resistance to healthy communication. LINK HERE for the LIST 12 GOOD Reasons NOT to Empathize 12 GOOD Reasons NOT to Share your Feelings 12 GOOD Reasons NOT to Treat the Other Person with Respect. So, as you can see, there's a lot more to skillful communication of anger than just learning the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, although that definitely requires tremendous dedication and practice. But motivation is the most important key to success or failure. When you're upset with someone, you can ask yourself, “Do I want to communicate in a loving, or in a hostile way?” The reward of love are enormous, but the seduction of hostility and lashing out is at least as powerful! This battle between the light and the dark is not new, but has been blazing for tens of thousands of years. And, of course, the decision will be yours. Thanks for listening today, Mina, Rhonda, Matt, and David

Why Therapy Fails One of the most common reasons patients contact me is to find out why the therapy isn't working. They may be TEAM-CBT patients or patients of therapists using other approaches. Therapists also ask for consultations on the same problem--why am I stuck with this or that patient who isn't making progress? In the Feeling Good App, my colleagues and I have been looking into this as well. Most app users report excellent and often rapid results, but some get stuck, in just the same way they might get stuck in treatment with a therapist. I have tried to organize my thinking on this topic, because if you can diagnose the cause of therapeutic failure, you can nearly always find a solution. Of course, the app is not a treatment device, but a wellness device, but the same principles apply. So today, Rhonda, Matt and I discuss a couple reasons why therapists and patients alike sometimes get stuck. Matt described a patient who was misdiagnosed with a psychotic disorder who turned out to have sleep apnea. When the proposer diagnosis was made and treated, the patent suddenly recovered. Rhonda described a patient who jumped from topic to topic and always brought up a new problem before completing work on the previous problem. This problem was solved when Rhonda explained the importance of sticking to one problem for several sessions, until the problem was resolved. The patient then began to make progress. David described a depressed woman from Florida who was stuck in treatment, and not making progress, and then the therapist said "I just can't help you," This hurt and confused the patient who wrote to me. There were essentially two problems--the patients depression what brought her to therapy in the first place, and her unresolved hurt feelings when the therapist "gave up" on her. This problem reflected many failed relationships is the patient's life. This was resolved when the patient took the initiative to schedule a session to talk about the conflict more openly with excellent results. In addition, the patient had heard that she "should" accept herself, but didn't know how to accept her constant self-critical troughs and intensely negative feelings. I suggested she make a list of the benefits of her negative thoughts and feelings, as well as the many positive things they showed about her and her core values as a human being. She came up with an extremely impressive and long list! For example, her criticisms showed her high standards, her humility, her dedication to her work, her accountability, and much more. In addition, she'd achieved a great deal because of her relentless self-criticisms. I asked her why in the world she'd want to accept herself, given all those positive characteristics She decided NOT to accept herself, and was delighted with her decision. She said she felt profound relief! An unusual, but awesome, path to acceptance! In other words, she ACCEPTED her "non-acceptance." I hope you find today's podcast interesting and helpful. Of course, ultimately therapy is part science and part human relationship art. That's why Rhonda and I offer free weekly training groups for therapists who wish to develop their therapeutic skills. The groups are on zoom so therapists from around the world are welcome. Matt offers a consultation group (free to Stanford psychiatric residents) every other Tuesday for therapists who want help with difficult, challenging cases. To learn more, you'll find details and contact information at the end of the show notes. When Therapy Doesn't Work-- And How to Get Unstuck (for Therapists and Patients)  By David Burns, MD Here's are some of the most common reasons why therapy might fail or appear to be stuck / without progress. Some of them will be of interest primarily to clinicians, while others will be of interest to clinicians and patients alike. And many of these reasons will also apply to individuals using the Feeling Good App who are stuck in their attempts to change the way they think and feel. But what does “stuck” actually mean? The definition, of course, is subjective. I believe that a substantial or complete elimination of depression and anxiety can typically be achieved in five sessions with a skilled TEAM therapist. I use two-hour sessions, and can usually see dramatic change in a single session, although follow-ups may be needed for Relapse Prevention Training or other problems the patients might want help with. In my experience, the treatment of relationship problems and habits and addictions usually takes much longer than the treatment of anxiety or depression. The techniques to treat relationship problems and habits and addictions actually work just as fast as the techniques to treat depression and anxiety, but the resistance can be far more intense. For example, someone may be ambivalent about leaving a troubled relationship or giving up a favored habit for many months or years before making a decision to move in a new direction. And, of course, the treatment of biological problems like schizophrenia and bipolar I disorder will nearly always require a long term therapeutic relationship, often requiring medications in addition to therapy. The problems and errors I've listed below are mostly correctable. And although there are many traps that therapists and patients fall into, the vast majority of therapeutic failure the patient's hidden 'resistance' to change and the therapist's lack of skill addressing it. This is true in clinical practice and in psychotherapy outcome studies, as well. On the one hand, a great many patients will feel ambivalent about change. For example, a patient with low self-esteem may not want to stop being self-critical and accept themselves, as-is, but to have a better version of themselves, first. Or they may want to overcome their fears without facing them. Or they might want a better relationship but would want the other person to do the changing. Unfortunately, most therapists lack the skills to address resistance and, in fact, often make it worse by trying to motivate the patient to change, rather than understand their hesitation to change and discuss it with them. This is one area where TEAM training has a great deal to offer, including over 30 skills therapists can learn to address motivation and resistance. The following list of 37 reasons why therapy fails follows the structure of T, E, A, M. Errors at or before the initial evaluation Patient is just window shopping Patient does not buy into the cognitive model Incorrect conceptualization of type of problem, so you end up using the wrong techniques. To simplify things, I think of four conceptualizations: Individual mood problem (depression or anxiety) Relationship Problem Habit / Addictions “Non-problem”: healthy negative feelings such as the grief you might feel when a love one dies Patient is not in treatment out of choice. For example, a teenager might be brought in by parents to be “fixed,” like bringing in your car to the local garage for a tune up, and you don't have an agenda with your patient. Or a parent might be court-ordered to go to therapy if he wants to have custody of his children. Failure to ask patients to complete the Concept of Self-Help Memo, the How to Make Therapy Rewarding and Successful memo, and the Administrative Memo prior to the start of therapy. These memos fix a great many therapeutic problems that are likely to emerge later on, like homework non-compliance, premature termination, and policies about confidentiality, last minute cancelling of sessions, conflicts of interest (eg patient is seeking disability) and more. Most therapists ignore the use of these memos, only to pay a steep price later on. Failure to mention the requirement for homework and similar issues the at initial contact with the patient. Failure to explore the patient's motivation for treatment. T = Testing Diagnostic errors: not recognizing additional problems which patient may have in addition to the initial complaint, such as drug or substance abuse, psychosis, intense social anxiety, past trauma or abuse, or hidden problems the patient is ashamed to disclose. This is easily solvable by the use of my EASY Diagnostic System prior to your initial evaluation. It screens for 50 of the most common DSM “diagnoses” and only takes ten minutes or so out of a therapy session to review and assign the “Symptom Cluster Diagnoses.” Failure to use Brief Mood Survey before and after each session. This error makes the therapist blind to the severity or nature and severity of the patient's feelings, which cannot be accurately identified by a patient interview or therapy session. As a result, the therapist's understanding will not be accurate, and the therapist will not be to pinpoint the degree of change (or failure to change) during and between therapy sessions. E = Empathy Failure to ask patients to complete the Evaluation of Therapy Session after each session. As a result, it will not be possible for therapists to understand their level of empathy, helpfulness, and several other relationship dimensions critical to good therapy. Failure to use the “What's My Grade” technique while empathizing with the patient. Failure to receive training in the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and the three advanced communication techniques. These techniques are difficult to learn, requiring lots of practice and commitment, but can be invaluable in therapy and in the therapist's personal life. A = Assessment of Resistance (also called Paradoxical Agenda Setting) Failure to recognize and deal with Outcome Resistance: There are four distinct types, corresponding to depression, anxiety, relationship problems, and habits and addictions. Failure to recognize and with Process Resistance: There are four distinct types, corresponding to depression, anxiety, relationship problems, and habits and addictions. The “because” factor: I won't let go of my depression until “I've lost weight,” or “I've found a loving partner,” or “I've achieved something special,” or “I've found a better job / career,” or “I've achieved my goals at X.” This is another type of Outcome Resistance. M = Methods--errors using the Daily Mood Log Patient “cannot” identify any Negative Thoughts The way you worded your Negative Thought. The common errors include thoughts describing events or feelings, rhetorical questions, long rambling thoughts, or thoughts consisting of a few words or phrases, like “worthless.” No Recovery Circle / many need many techniques combined with the philosophy of “failing as fast as you can.” This allows you to individualize the treatment for each patient. It is simply not true that there is one school of therapy or method (like meditation, mindfulness or daily exercise, etc.) that will be helpful, much less “the answer,” for all patients! The way you did the technique / incorrect use of technique. Many of the most powerful techniques, like Interpersonal Exposure, Externalization of Voices, Paradoxical Double Standard, Feared Fantasy, and many more require considerable sophistication and training. They can be fantastic when used skillfully, but they aren't easy to learn! Trying to challenge your negative thoughts in your head / vs on paper or computer. This is associated with Process Resistance for depression—refusing to do the written homework, and it is exceptionally common. Trying to challenge the negative thoughts of someone else or encouraging them to think more positively: won't work! In my first book, Feeling Good, I spelled out the warning that cognitive techniques are for you, and NOT for you to use on other people, including friends, family, and so forth. It is my impression that many people ignore this warning. When they discover that the person they are trying to “help” does take kindly to identify the cognitive distortions in their thoughts, both end up frustrated. Failure to “get” the Acceptance Paradox / using too much self-defense in your positive thoughts, especially Technique when doing Externalization of Voices Using the Acceptance Paradox in a defeatist, self-effacing way Failure to include the Counter-Attack Technique when doing Externalization of Voices. This techniques is not always necessary, but can sometimes be the knock out blow for the patient's endless inner criticisms. Not understanding the necessary and sufficient conditions for emotional change when challenging distorted thoughts. Too much focus on cognitive / rational techniques when far more dynamic techniques are needed, such as the Experimental Technique (e.g. exposure) in treating anxiety or the Externalization of Voices or Hidden Emotion Techniques Not recognizing that the patient's negative thoughts might be valid (I think that my partner is cheating on me) and trying to get your patient to challenge the “distortions” in the thoughts Other therapist errors Codependency: addiction to trying to “help” / cheer up the patient / solve some problem the patient has Need to be “nice” and refusal to hold patients accountable Narcissism: unwilling to be criticized, unwilling to fail, needing to stay in the expert role Difficulties “getting” the patient's inner feelings, due to lack of skill with Five Secrets and the failure to use Empathy Scale Difficulties forming a warm and vibrant therapeutic relationship, which can sometimes result from strong (and nearly always unexpressed) dislike of the patient Commitment to a favored “school” of therapy / thinking you are superior to colleagues and have the one “correct” approach Failure to use assessment tools with every patient at every session Failure to make patients accountable for homework Four types of reverse hypnosis: this is where the patient hypnotizes the therapist into believing things that simply aren't true. Depression: the patient may really be hopeless or worthless Anxiety: the patient is too fragile for exposure Relationship problems: the patient is too fragile for / not yet ready for exposure Habits / addictions: not making the patient accountable or assuming patient isn't yet “ready” to give up the addiction, or the patient needs to have emotional / relationship problems fixed first Unrecognize, unaddressed conflicts with therapist that need to be addressed with Changing the Focus. This error often results from the therapist's fear of conflict or patient anger, and is usually accompanied by a failure to use the Evaluation of Therapy Session, which would send a loud signal to the therapist that something is wrong. Failure to do Relapse Prevention Training prior to discharge. Conceptualization errors. Failure to use or select the most effective therapeutic approach and techniques for the patient's problem. For example, the Daily Mood Log and Recovery Circle are great for depression and anxiety, although there will be some important differences in the choice of methods for depression vs. anxiety. For example, Exposure and the Hidden Emotion Technique are great for anxiety, but rarely useful for depression. The DML has only a secondary role in the treatment of relationship problems (the Relationship Journal is more direct and useful) or habits and addictions (the Triple Paradox and Habit and Addiction Log (HAL) are far more useful. The therapist may be committed to a school of therapy, like Rogerian listening, without addressing resistance or using methods. Or therapist may believe that psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy, or ACT, or traditional Beckian cognitive therapy, will be the “answer” for everybody. The schools of therapy function much like cults, causing feelings of competitiveness (our guru is better than your guru) and sharply limiting the critical thinking and narrowing the consciousness of the faithful “followers.” Conflicts of interest. The therapist may subconsciously want to keep the patient in a long-term “talking” relationship due to emotional or financial needs. The therapist may have been taught that therapeutic change is inherently slow, requiring many years or more. This belief will always function as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thanks for listening! Matt, Rhonda, and David

SUBSCRIBE TO THE SALES SECRETS PODCASTITUNES ► https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/s...​SPOTIFY ► https://open.spotify.com/show/1BKYsQo...​YOUTUBE ► https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVUh...​THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY SEAMLESS.AI - THE WORLD'S BEST SALES LEADSWEBSITE ► https://www.seamless.ai/LINKEDIN ► https://www.linkedin.com/company/seamlessai/JOIN FOR FREE TODAY ► https://login.seamless.ai/invite/podcastSHOW DESCRIPTIONBrandon Bornancin is a serial salesperson, entrepreneur and founder of Seamless.AI. Twice a week, Brandon interviews the world's top sales experts like Jill Konrath, Aaron Ross, John Barrows, Trish Bertuzzi, Mark Hunter, Anthony Iannarino and many more -- to uncover actionable strategies, playbooks, tips and insights you can use to generate more revenue and close more business. If you want to learn the most powerful sales secrets from the top sales experts in the world, Sales Secrets From The Top 1% is the place to find them.SALES SECRET FROM THE TOP 1%WEBSITE ► https://www.secretsalesbook.com/LINKEDIN ► https://www.linkedin.com/company/sales-secret-book/ABOUT BRANDONBrandon Bornancin is a serial salesperson (over $100M in sales deals), multi-million dollar sales tech entrepreneur, motivational sales speaker, international sales DJ (DJ NoQ5) and sales author who is obsessed with helping you maximize your sales success.Mr. Bornancin is currently the CEO & Founder at Seamless.ai delivering the world's best sales leads. Over 10,000+ companies use Seamless.ai to generate millions in sales at companies like Google, Amazon, Facebook, Slack, Dell, Oracle & many others.Mr. Bornancin is also the author of "Sales Secrets From The Top 1%" where the world's best sales experts share their secrets to sales success and author of “The Ultimate Guide To Overcoming Sales Objections.”FOLLOW BRANDONLINKEDIN ► https://www.linkedin.com/in/brandonbornancin/INSTAGRAM ► https://www.instagram.com/brandonbornancinofficial/FACEBOOK ► https://www.facebook.com/SeamlessAITWITTER ► https://twitter.com/BBornancin

In this episode of The Restaurant Report, we sit down with Mike LaRue, a 16+ year franchise veteran who has, since the beginning, maintained a focus on emerging brands. Mike is the VP of Franchise Development for Angry Chickz, a fast-growth Nashville hot chicken brand. We discuss how this brand could build 20+ units without an infrastructure, which could be its secret weapon to success.Link here for full access to our 5 brand growth tips -~ Check out all our podcasts on savor.fm~ Looking to take your restaurant into the next generation of Web2 and build a new loyalty or brand IP opportunist? Check out Rever Networks

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369 The Invisible Racism We All Deny, Featuring Drs. Manuel Sierra and Matthew May Today we're joined by Drs. Manuel Sierra and Matthew May on the sensitive topic of racism. Manuel Sierra MD is a child and adolescent psychiatrist practicing in Idaho, one of the places where he grew up (he also spent time in Oregon). He was a classmate of Matt May during his residency training days at Stanford, and they remain close friends today. Rhonda begins today's podcast with this mail we received from Guillermo, one of our favorite podcast fans: Guillermo asks: How do you respond to family or friends who make racist comments? Hello, Dr Burns Not sure if you have addressed this in any of the podcasts (I don't recall it being a topic) but: I was recently in a group chat with some cousins, and I read some really disappointing racist comments about a particular group. Many people ignored it (as I did) and a couple AGREED with the comments. How can we balance not judging not just any people but our longtime friends and family about overtly racist actions/comments and the thinking that it is not the event but our thoughts that create our emotions? I don't care about “judging them” (in the sense that I don't think it is my place to “change” their views) but just hearing/reading comments like this bothers me when they come from people close to me. When I see it on tv or the internet, I don't get affected because I feel it is beyond my control. I don't believe they will change their views so do I just remove them from my life? I apologize, the topic is too wide, but I've been thinking about this. Sincerely grateful for all you do, Guillermo Manuel kicked off our answer to Guillermo by saying that he has been personally familiar with racism within families and communities, and says that he and Matt have talked about this topic “a lot.” He explained that: Although I am proud of my Mexican-American heritage, I was born and grew up in Oregon and Idaho, where I'm currently practicing. I encountered considerable racial bias when I was a kid, and later in life as well. I clearly cannot speak for all Mexican-American people, I can only speak for myself and what I've personally experienced, and I am extremely aware of how difficult the current times are. My grandparents didn't teach my mom Spanish. She was a single mom, and we lived in a small town in Idaho. I also have family through marriage who live on Native American lands. In grade school I began hearing jokes about Mexican Americans, and this was very awkward, painful, for me. I also got ridiculed for not speaking Spanish.  Even my grandfather asked me, “why aren't you speaking Spanish?” There were also gangs where the racial bias got worse and frequently turned violent. After learning more about Manuel's experiences, we modeled various ways of talking to a friend or family member who has made hurtful racist comments. Manuel cautioned that it might be best to do provide the feedback individually, and not in public, so as not to shame the person. In addition, this can reduce the chance for social posturing and responding in an adversarial way. Matt agreed and emphasized the importance of combining your “I Feel” Statement with Stroking. For example, you might say something like this, assuming the racial slur comment came from a relative or person you like, Jim, as you know, you're one of my favorite people, but I want you to know that when you said X, Y and Z, it really upset me, because it sounded like a put down to people who are (Mexican, Jewish, Moslem, gay, or whatever). I (David) like this approach because it sounds respectful and direct, but not judgmental or condemning. Rhonda modeled an excellent alternative response which included this type of add-on: “And I'm going to request that you not say that again in my presence. “ I (David) would prefer not to add the directive statement at the end, which could, in theory, rankle some individuals with coercion sensitivity, because it might sound scolding. However, that's just my take on it, and it's not some kind of gospel truth. If you want to push your assertiveness and stick up for yourself, it might be effective, and was effective recently for Rhonda because the relative she said this to stopped making similar racial comments in her presence. I would suggest ending any kind of response to the person who made a racial slur with Inquiry, asking them about their racial feelings as well as the fact that you are criticizing them. Do they feel hurt, angry, anxious, or put down? You might also ask something along these lines--Have they always had negative feelings about this or that racial or religious group? Manuel described an experience in medical school when an attending doctor was supervising a group of medical students in how to do a particular medical procedure quickly, and said this to him, “You can be like a Mexican jumping bean!” Then Manuel asked himself, “Should I say something?” Which of course incurs the risk of retaliation from an authority figure in a position of power. Manuel mentioned that just because you're working in a prestigious medical setting, this does not protect you from racial slurs. He described hearing people comment on how he and several Mexican-American classmates probably got into medical school because of their ethnicity, implying they weren't sufficiently intelligent or on par  with their classmates. He also mentioned an incident during his internship when he checked in on a patient wearing his white lab coat with stethoscope around his neck, and the patient asked him if he was there to pick up the trash and could he please get the doctor.  Manuel humbly replied that he could pick up the trash, and he was the doctor. I asked Manuel how he felt when hearing these types of belittling and patronizing racist comments. He said that he felt annoyed, embarrassed, angry, put down, anxious, and alone. He described one of his best friends growing up who was white. However, this fellow grew up poor as well, so they easily formed bond because they'd had similar class-based experiences. His friend sometimes lived in all-black neighborhoods and had also felt out of place at times, not accepted, and targeted. I asked Manuel how he felt describing these intensely personal experiences on the podcast today, knowing so many people would be listening. He said, “It's anxiety-provoking. My mouth is dry, my heart is racing, and I'm afraid I'll sound like an idiot!” We discussed the differences between being unintentionally or intentionally offensive with racist comments, and also mentioned the related topic of bullying which, of course, is intentionally hurtful. Manuel said that an example might be calling me names or saying terrible things about my mother, or making threats to hurt your family, or your mom. Often the bully is trying to get you to fight, so you'd be beaten up. The bully's goal is to humiliate you in front of others and make you feel bad about yourself. Manuel introduced us to some of the approaches he uses when working with kids who are bullied. I'd like to hear more on this topic but we were running out of time. We could address bullying on a future podcast with the same crew, since Manuel and Matt both have a lot to offer on that sensitive and exceptionally challenging topic. Let us know if you're interested in hearing more. The response to bullying has to have two dimensions. First, your thoughts, and not the bully's statements, create all of your moods. So, you can use the Daily Mood Log to record and modify your inner dialogue. The goal would be to support yourself and not buy into the notion that you are somehow “less than” or a loser or coward just because someone is trying to bully and exploit you in a sadistic fashion. The cognitive work is based on the idea that ultimately, only you can bully yourself. The words of the bully cannot affect you unless you buy into them. But then it's your own beliefs that are the source of your emotional misery. Second, your verbal response to the bully can also be helpful to you, or it can serve to make the situation worse. But these techniques, based in part of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, can be challenging to learn, especially during the heat of battle, so considerable practice is vitally important. The goal of changing your thoughts as well as the way you respond is not to blame you for the problem, but to give you some reasonably effective coping skills, perhaps similar to the verbal karate I mentioned in my first book, Feeling Good. At the end of the podcast, we did a survey among the four of us on whether meanness and aggression and exploitation is one of the inherent and genetically based drives in human nature, along with our more loving impulses and drives, or whether humans are basically good and all the hostility and killing is the result of adverse influences along the way. There was a sharp difference of opinion, and you can listen to the podcast to find out what everyone thought! We were, of course, just speculating, as this question is partly scientific and partly philosophical. I asked Manuel how he felt at the end of the podcast, and he said he was feeling a lot better. He was powerful and informative, and I was grateful he could appear with our team and teach us from the heart today! I hope you enjoyed today's program as well. Thanks for listening! Manuel, Matt, Rhonda, and David

TEAM for Troubled Couples A New Twist! Today we are joined by a favorite guest, the brilliant Thai-An Truong. Thai-An is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Alcohol and Drug Counselor (LADC). She is the first Certified TEAM-CBT Therapist and Trainer in Oklahoma. She has found TEAM-CBT to be life-changing professionally and personally and is passionate about training other therapists in this “awesome approach.” In her private practice, Thai-An specializes in the treatment of trauma and OCD. To learn more about her TEAM-CBT Trainings, visit www.teamcbttraining.com Thai-An has been featured on many Feeling Good Podcasts focusing on Depression and social anxiety (Live demonstration, 187) Postpartum Depression and Anxiety ( 218) How to Get Laid (Ep. 264) OCD ( 283) Grief (Ep 344) Now Thai-An adds an important dimension to the TEAM Interpersonal Model—working with trouble couples, as opposed to working with individuals with troubled relationships. She also describes a new way to use Positive Reframing to reduce patient resistance to giving up David's famous list of “Common Communication Errors,” and she adds five new errors to the list. At the start of the podcast, Thai-An described a woman who complained that her husband often “shuts down” when they are communicating about a sensitive topic, and she wondered why. Thai-An decided to invite him to join the session so his wife could find out why. This really opened things up, and the wife discovered that her husband shut down because he was feeling inadequate when she pointed out all the things that were wrong with the house, and he was taking her comments as criticism. However, the more he shut down, the more she complained, and this pushed him away even further since her criticisms intensified his feelings of inadequacy. Thai-An then used Positive Reframing to help her see why he shut down. One of Thai-An's new ideas was to use Positive Reframing to cast our list of “errors” on the “Bad Communication Checklist” in a positive light, just as we do with the negative thoughts and feelings of people who are using the Daily Mood Log. By siding with the patient's resistance and listing all the good reasons NOT to change, nearly all patients paradoxically let down their guard and powerful urges to oppose change. Instead, they open up and become receptive to the many methods for challenging distorted thoughts. Thai-An has observed the same phenomena with troubled couples. When they see the GOOD reasons to why they or their partners use dysfunctional ways of communicating, they paradoxically let down their guard and become more willing to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. She says: Positive reframing started to open them up to each other, and helped them see each other in a more positive light. At the same time, they discovered that they shared the same values. Voicing the good reasons to maintain the communication errors as well as the cost of change (e.g., it'll be hard work, I'll have to focus on changing myself, it'll be vulnerable) allowed each partner to melt away their resistance to change. David comment: This is an excellent example of a “double paradox.” Once again, instead of trying to “help,” which often triggers intense resistance, the therapist sides with the resistance, and this paradoxically triggers strong motivation to change! Thai-An reminded us that it's important to go through the TEAM structure before moving forward with tools to help the couple change. For testing, she asks both partners to complete the version of David's Brief Mood Survey that includes the Relationship Satisfaction Scale, and asks both to complete the Evaluation of Therapy Session at the end. She makes sure both partners rate her empathy toward them at 20/20 (perfect scores) before proceeding to the next steps. During the Assessment of Resistance, she begins to work with David's Relationship Journal to get a specific moment in time of conflict. Then when they do Steps 3 and 4, where they identify their own communication errors and their impact on their partners, she does positive reframing of the bad communication errors, which you can see here, along with five new errors that Thai-An has listed below.   The Bad Communication Checklist* Instructions. Review what you wrote down in Step 2 of the Relationship Journal. How many of the following communication errors can you spot? Communication Error (ü) Communication Error (ü) 1.      Truth – You insist you're "right" and the other person is "wrong."   10.   Diversion – You change the subject or list past grievances.   2.      Blame – You imply the problem is the other person's fault.   11.   Self-Blame – You act as if you're awful and terrible.   3.      Defensiveness – You argue and refuse to admit any imperfection.   12.   Hopelessness – You claim you've tried everything and nothing works.   4.      Martyrdom – You imply that you're an innocent victim.   13.   Demandingness – You complain when people aren't as you expect.   5.      Put-Down – You imply that the other person is a loser.   14.   Denial – You imply that you don't feel angry, sad or upset when you do.   6.      Labeling – You call the other person "a jerk," "a loser," or worse.   15.   Helping – Instead of listening, you give advice or "help."   7.      Sarcasm – Your tone of voice is belittling or patronizing.   16.   Problem Solving – You try to solve the problem and ignore feelings.   8.      Counterattack – You respond to criticism with criticism.   17.   Mind-Reading – You expect others to know how you feel without telling them.   9.      Scapegoating – You imply the other person is defective or has a problem.   18.   Passive-Aggression – You say nothing, pout or slam doors.     * Copyright ã 1991 by David D. Burns, MD. Revised 2001.   Thai-An Truong's 5 Additional Communication Errors: Shut down—You shut down and ignore the other person or give them the silent treatment. Avoidance—You hide your feelings and avoid talking about hard topics, or disconnect through some form of escape. Rejection—You make threats to leave – “I'm done with you,” or “I can't deal with this anymore,” or “I want a divorce.” Control—You insist that the other person “needs” to behave or communicate differently, or “should” or “shouldn't” behave the way they do. Invalidation—You tell the other person they shouldn't feel the way they feel. Here's how Thai-An did the Positive Reframing with this couple. First she asked the wife, “Why might your partner suddenly want to “shut down” and stop communicating during a conflicted exchange?” She also asked, “What does this do for the person who is shutting down?” This is the list of positives they came up with. Shutting down . . . Keeps me safe and protects me from more criticism Protects my partner from hurtful comments I might make. Shows that I value our marriage and my partner's feelings. Shows my love for my partner, and for myself. It shows that I'm feeling hurt and want to be appreciated. Guarantees that I won't make things worse. Shows that I want to protect myself from becoming overly vulnerable and getting invalidated again. Shutting down feels less risky than sharing my feelings. Once she saw why he shut down, she realized the negative impact of her complaints, and began to provide more genuine words of appreciation to him. He said that this meant so much to him and made all the hard work worth it. Her common communication errors included “truth” and “making complaints.” He realized, again through positive reframing, that she also wanted validation, that raising children can be hard, and that she ALSO wanted appreciation for how well she was keeping up with the home and the care of their children. So, when she wasn't getting validation and appreciation from him, she was even more likely to complain to try to voice her perspective. Once he was able to stop shutting down, and instead began to make more disarming statements, use feeling empathy, and stroking, she was much less likely to complain. They also realized they had the same values of wanting healthier communication and to provide a safe and happy home for their children. Was this effective? Both went from 10/30 and 11/30 on the relationship satisfaction scale (shockingly poor scores) to 26/30 by the end of the relationship work together (extremely high scores indicating outstanding scores on my Relationship Satisfaction Scale.) Thai-An provided us with a cool Positive Reframing document for all of the communication errors. You can check it out if you CLICK HERE. I (David) pointed out that Positive Reframing can also be used in conjunction with the Relationship Journal in another way. In step one of the RJ, you write down one thing the other person said, and you circle all the many feelings they were probably having, like hurt, alone, anxious, angry, sad, unloved, and many more. In step two you write down exactly what you said next, and circle all the feelings you were having. This would be an ideal time to do Positive Reframing of your partner's negative feelings, so as to shift you perception that the other person is “bad” or “to blame” or some negative interpretations that you may be making. This reframing might be helpful in the same sense that my technique, Forced Empathy, can sometimes cause a radical shift in how you see the person you're at odds with. Announcements On January 4, 2024, Thai-An Truong will be offering a 14-week training program in TEAM couples therapy for mental health professionals. The class will meet weekly from 11:30 to 1:30 East Coast time. To learn more, please go to Courses.teamcbttraining.com/relationships There will be a 4-day TEAM-CBT Intensive November 6-9, 2023, in Mexico City, at the Hotel Camino Real.  To learn more, please go to:  https://teamcbt.mx/welcome Thanks for listening today! Let us know what you thought about our show! Thai-An, Rhonda, and David

When you are feeling frustrated, disappointed, or even perhaps dismayed by the relationship between you and your child, it's common to see them and their behavior as the cause of your distress. Today I'm talking about improving your parent-child relationship by turning the spotlight on yourself. Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.Other episodes to check out:Should you punish your ADHD child?Why threats, punishments, and adult-imposed consequences backfire10 ways to help your child cooperate without using punishmentsConnecting to your child with non-violent communicationConnecting to your child with Parent Effectiveness TrainingConnecting to your child with Collaborative and Proactive SolutionsConnecting to your child with the Five Secrets of Effective CommunicationHave a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.Find Project Parenthood on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the Quick and Dirty Tips newsletter for more tips and advice.Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.Links: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribehttps://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthoodhttps://twitter.com/qdtparenthoodhttps://brooklynparenttherapy.com/

Menopause-- The End? . . . or the Beginning? Rhonda starts today's podcast, as usual, with a warm endorsement from Sally, a podcast fan who really liked Podcast 355 on the topic of “Relationship Problems: Be Gone!” She said the role-play demonstrations were “incredible” and especially helpful. We'll keep that in mind and see if we can do some more role-playing demonstrations in future podcasts, along with instructions so you can practice at home, as well. This can be extremely helpful if you want to master the techniques we describe. They may sound simple, but they're not! In our recent podcast on free practice groups (put LINK), you can find many virtual practice groups you can join from home to practice many of the techniques in TEAM-CBT with like-minded colleagues and become part of the growing TEAM-CBT community. We now have many excellent and free practice groups for the general public as well as and training groups for shrinks. Today, Mina returns to the show with a new problem—pre-menopausal symptoms that are scaring her and casting a shadow on her future as well as her marriage with her husband, Maurice. Menopause is a topic that freaks many people out, due to feelings of anxiety and shame which can sometimes be intense. Today, menopause will be out in the open and front and center. However, Meina is confused because so many problems and feelings are swirling around in her head, and she doesn't quite know where to start. At the start of the session, Mina's Brief Mood Survey indicated mild depression, severe anxiety, moderate to severe anger, and greatly diminished feelings of happiness and relationship satisfaction, thinking of her husband, Maurice.f If you review Mina's Daily Mood Log. you can see that the Upsetting Event is irregular periods due to menopause. You can also see that Mina is struggling with fairly feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, inadequacy, loneliness, embarrassment, hopelessness, frustration and anger, and she's giving herself some intensely negative messages, like “My body is falling apart,” and “My husband will leave me,” and “I'll get osteoporosis and die in pain like my grandmother,” and more. During the initial Empathy phase of the session, Mina described quite a lot of personal and professional concerns, as well as somatic complaints of various kinds. Sometimes, in the past, Mina has developed numerous somatic complaints that terrify her, because she has interpreted them as possible serious diseases, like multiple sclerosis. However, excellent physical evaluations rarely or never provide any medical evidence or explanation for her symptoms. This pattern of obsessing about somatic symptoms is actually quite common. Many general practice doctors report that as many as a third of their patients complaining of pain, dizziness, and so forth do not have any medical disease that could possibly explain the symptoms. In fact, in his classic book, Caring for Patients, the late Dr. Allen Barbour from Stanford reported that about half of these types of patients experience a disappearance of their somatic symptoms when they identify some conflict or problem that they've been avoiding, and then take steps to express their feelings or solve the repressed problem. Pretty much every time, this has been true of Mina, too. It often turns out that she is upset about something she is sweeping under the rug, and the Hidden Emotion Technique has proved extremely helpful in pinpointing the hidden feeling or conflict. Then, as soon as she acts on this information, and expresses her feelings, the somatic problems immediately disappear. So, our first task in today's session was to see if the same thing was happening. It turned out that she was quite upset with her husband, Maurice, so we did a Relationship Journal to see if we could get a better understanding of what was going on. Her complaint was that Maurice did not want to talk about “difficult feelings.” Instead, he suggests they go for a nature walk or watch a movie. So, she felt sad, anxious, rejected, hurt, frustrated, and alone. But, as is the case nearly 100% of the time, when we examined a brief interaction between them—what did he say and what did she say next—it became clear that she was actually pushing him away and putting him down. This was understandably painful for Mina to see, and a bit embarrassing, but she was super brave, and saw how she could use the Five Secrets to respond to Maurice in a radically different and more inviting manner. As an aside, the person who seeks treatment for a relationship problem will nearly always discover that they have actually be causing the very problem they're complaining about. If Mina's husband had come to us for help, he would have made the exact same shocking discovery—that HE was causing the problem he was complaining about. I call this strange but fascinating phenomenon the “theory of interpersonal relativity.” Mina feared abandonment, but discovered that her real problem was that she was rejecting her husband, and forcing him to reject her! Although this type of sudden insight can be tremendously painful, it is also liberating at the same time. That's because people discover that they have far more power than they thought. Mina felt helpless, but was actually pulling the strings. Once you “see” this, you have the option of moving in a radically new and more rewarding direction. Mina promised to send a follow up once she's had the chance to try a new approach during her interactions with Maurice. We have our fingers crossed! In addition, we worked with Mina's negative thoughts and feelings on her Daily Mood Log, starting with Positive Reframing, which she found helpful. What did her negative thoughts and feelings show about her that was positive and awesome, and how were they helping her? Then we did several rounds of Externalization of Voices and she was quickly able to knock her negative thoughts out of the park, with incredible results that you can see if you examine the emotions goal and outcome columns on her emotions table HERE. As you can see, there was an immediate and dramatic reduction in all of her negative feelings. We publish these TEAM-CBT sessions because we believe that the vast majority of mental health professionals do not know how to trigger rapid and extreme changes in how people think, feel, and interact with others. It is our hope that these podcast live therapy sessions, in conjunction with our weekly training groups, will make mental health professionals aware of what's now possible, and how TEAM-CBT actually works. We try to make it look simple, but it requires tremendous training, practice, and commitment. Rhonda and I have strong, tender feelings toward our dear colleague, Mina, and we are deeply indebted to her for making herself vulnerable in a public forum so that we can all learn and feel much closer to one another. Personal work is one of our finest teaching tools. In addition, feelings of respect, love, and connection are so often missing in our embattled and hostile political and world environment these days. We cannot change the world, but we can definitely make our own small ripples in the pond, and work on changing ourselves. If you'd like, you can take a look at Mina's Brief Mood Survey and Evaluation of Therapy Session at the end of the session.  Thanks so much for listening today! Rhonda, Mina, and David

With the uncertain economic times, the quest for financial freedom has never been more crucial. The era of relying solely on a single income source is fading fast, replaced by the empowering concept of multiple streams of income. Join Jay on his latest Black Entrepreneur Blueprint podcast episode # 480 as he unveils not one, not two, but five transformative secrets that will help you and protect your financial future by identifying and creating diverse income streams. GET MY NEW BOOK: "Unlocking The Power Of ChatGPT - The Ultimate Prompting Handbook For Beginners"  https://1181-info.systeme.io/434e935c  

355: Relationship Problems: Be Gone! Featuring Dr. Matthew May In today's podcast, Matt, Rhonda and David discuss relationship problems, and how to overcome them. We also give instructions on the Paradoxical Invitation, one of the most important and difficult techniques for TEAM-CBT therapists to learn. We started today's podcast interviewing Tania Ahern and Andy Persson who give a plug for the upcoming TEAM-CBT intensive from August 14 to 17, 2023 in Bristol, and incredible British city with an outstanding TEAM-CBT training program in store for you. Many notable TEAM experts will be presenting, including Drs. Leigh Harrington, Heather Clague, Marius Wirga, Stirling Moorey, Mike Christensen and many other notable teachers.  Special thanks to Peter Spurrier for being a fantastic TEAM therapist and organizer! I will also be there virtually doing a keynote address, a Q and A session, and a live TEAM-CBT demo with a workshop volunteer. The amazing Mike Christensen will be my co-therapist. Hope to see you there! Go to TEAMCBT.UK for registration and more information. Today we focus on relationship problems, starting with a real example, which often makes for the best teaching. Rhonda recently spent time with her son and daughter-in-law to help with their new twin babies. Rhonda's daughter-in-law had a very difficult delivery, and was in the hospital for several weeks following the birth of the babies. Rhonda worked relentlessly cooking and cleaning for them, feeding the babies, changing their diapers, and comforting them, and providing help for the new mom, who was overwhelmed and fearful of bathing the babies, thinking she might hurt them when attempting to bathe them. As so often happens in real life, Rhonda ran into a severe conflict with her daughter-in-law and responded with anger, and we all so often do. She reveals how terrible she and her daughter-in-law felt, and how she saved the day after deciding to have a “redo” of the interaction, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Rhonda, Matt and David described one of the most difficult therapy tools in TEAM-CBT, the Paradoxical Invitation Step, and contrasted it with the Straightforward Invitation. Rhonda also mentioned some podcasts for further information on the Relationship Journal and the Interpersonal Model in TEAM-CBT. There are even more, but here are some that might interest you. My book, Feeling Good Together, is also a must-read for anyone wanting to make profound changes in the way you connect with the people you love, as well as your patients if you're a shrink! # Podcast Title Min 054 Interpersonal Model (Part 1) — “And It's All Your Fault!” Healing Troubled Relationships 54 055 Interpersonal Model (Part 2) — “And It's All Your Fault!” Three Basic Assumptions 27 056 Interpersonal Model (Part 3) — “And It's All Your Fault!” Interpersonal Decision-Making and Blame Cost-Benefit Analysis 46 057 Interpersonal Model (Part 4) — “And It's All Your Fault!” The Relationship Journal 44 226 The “Great Death” in a Corporate / Institutional Setting 56 227 Echoes of Enlightenment 43   We finished today's podcast with some entertaining role-playing exercises, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication in interactions with extremely difficult individuals. This gave me the chance to role-play some incredibly obnoxious and practically impossible to please. My favorite role! Enjoy! Warmly, Rhonda, Matt, and David

We all know that growing old is inevitable, but what are the top 5 most effective ways to slow the encroachment of time?Get-Fit Guy is hosted by Kevin Don. A transcript is available at Simplecast.Have a fitness question? Email Kevin at getfitguy@quickanddirtytips.com or leave us a voicemail at (510) 353-3014.Find Get-Fit Guy on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the newsletter for more fitness tips.Get-Fit Guy is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.Links:https://www.quickanddirtytips.comhttps://www.facebook.com/GetFitGuyhttps://twitter.com/GetFitGuyhttps://www.kevindon.com/

Grass Roots TEAM-CBT Completely FREE Practice / Training Groups Today we interview four courageous pioneers of free and low-cost TEAM-CBT for the masses, featuring Brandon Vance, MD, Patricia O'Neil, Ana Teresa Silva, DVM and Nicholas Santascoy, PhD. Many of you are already familiar with Brandon Vance and Heather Clague's awesome online Feeling Great Book Clubs which will start again, running from September 13, 2023, through December 6, 2023. The book clubs are popular and have gotten wonderful reviews.  They are a fun and engaging way to structure your reading, discuss the book, see demonstrations, practice tools, ask experts questions and connect with others around the world who are working on Feeling Great – and no one is turned away for lack of funds. Sound interesting? You can learn more and join here. But you may not be aware of a growing number of fantastic totally free self-help groups springing up for people around the world. These groups offer training in different aspects of TEAM-CBT. For example, Patricia offers DAILY (!) practice sessions that focus on the use of the Daily Mood Journal. You can also join free 5-secrets practice groups groups that focus on changing habits groups that practice a variety of TEAM tools a book club focused on When Panic Attacks and more! All these groups are free and open to anyone worldwide. To see the growing list, go to https://www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com/free. This list is invaluable, and check the link from time to time because the offerings will likely continue to expand. Keep in mind that these are NOT therapy groups, but layperson-led self-improvement groups. Brandon and Rhonda remarked that these free groups are part of a heart-warming movement which continues the culture of generosity that David has created, starting with David's decades-long free weekly training groups for mental health professionals. The new self-help groups also carry the spirit of relating to others with deep empathy. The goal is to create an atmosphere of giving and support in mutual healing. A second goals is to learn to appreciate each other despite our differences. And so, the ripples that David has created continue to spread, and you can become a part of this process! Nicholas Santascoy is a research psychologist, academic coach and learning specialist who discovered Feeling Good in 2005.  He found it tremendously helpful and years later, began working with a TEAM therapist who suggested Brandon's Book Club. When the book club reached the Daily Mood Journal section, he asked if he could start a free DMJ practice group, which he did, and it's still going on each week, more than two years later. He was thoughtful about the group's structure, making it clear to the participants from the beginning that he is NOT a therapist and that this is not therapy. It is simply a place to practice TEAM with support – an important disclaimer for any non-therapist running a practice group. In his groups, each person spends 10 minutes at the start working on some common task, like describing an upsetting event for a Daily Mood Log, or suggesting positive reframing for a negative thought or feelings, and so forth. Or they might go through a sequence starting with one negative emotion, one negative thought, one cognitive distortion, one positive reframe, and one positive thought. His group has also worked with the exercises described in the two free chapters on habits and addictions offered at the bottom of Dr. Burns' website. Nicholas described working with a man with intense performance anxiety who had an upcoming job interview with a panel of eight individuals who were evaluating him. He was intimidated and anxious, but reluctant to give up his anxiety for a number of reasons. First, he was convinced that if he didn't worry, he wouldn't prepare effectively. In addition, he was convinced that he needed anxiety to do his best during the interview. Nicholas encouraged him to test these beliefs with experiments. He discovered, much to his surprise, that he was still strongly motivated to prepare for the interview when he was feeling relaxed and confident. He also recorded his interview and reviewed it afterwards. He was surprised to discover  that his best performance during the interview was when his anxiety had dropped to zero. Ana Teresa Silva is a Portuguese veterinary doctor who decided she wanted to work with people and became a coach in 2020. Ana Teresa developed a free Portuguese Five Secrets practice group in May of 2021. This quickly became an international group in English, free and open to anyone, and ran for two years and got rave reviews from participants. After that, she handed over the leadership to Linda Roth, M.Ed. This kind of group, in my (David's) opinion is incredibly important because learning the Five Secrets is a lot like learning to play the piano. It's possible to make beautiful music, but the Five Secrets are challenging to learn. Practice, combined with humility and the intense desire to learn, are the keys to learning and personal change. Patricia O'Neil, a former schoolteacher, loves David's books like Feeling Great, When Panic Attacks, Feeling Good Together and more. Patricia experienced a very severe, prolonged and immobilizing depression, and tried ALL of the standard medical treatments, even including electroconvulsive therapy, but her depression continued. She then started reading Feeling Great and joined Brandon and Heather's Feeling Great Book Club in 2022, and began to pull herself out of depression.  After several weeks she asked if there was a group for people who want to work their way through the book together in-between Book Club meetings, perhaps even daily, to “apply the strategies the best we can.” Brandon encouraged Patricia to start her own study group. She did! And not only that, she started many other groups as well – all completely free - including a When Panic Attacks Book Club, her daily Daily Mood Journal group, an eating healthy accountability chart, a coaches in training group and her own free advanced Five Secrets Practice group for people who have completed a Five Secrets Deep Dive series. Several of the participants in today's podcast had anxiety about being on the podcast. Patricia generously volunteered some of her negative thoughts, including: I might not do well. I'm gonna mess up! Brandon might regret asking me to join the group today. My flaws and imperfections will be on display. She said that these thoughts contained many of the familiar cognitive distortions, such as Fortune Telling, Magnification, and Should Statements, to name just a few. She also described some of the strategies she used to challenge these thoughts, including these positive thoughts: The whole future of the world doesn't depend on how well I do today! I probably WILL mess up, and that's okay! Then she bravely and tearfully described her own battles with depression since her retirement several years ago, and her gratitude at having found so many skills to deal with negative mood swings more effectively. Her comments were touching and inspiring, and actually embodied the goal of the practice groups that are rapidly emerging. The goals including: provide a structure for free ongoing practice and learning give individuals around the world the chance to join the emerging community of TEAM enthusiasts provide opportunities to connect with others in the spirit of openness, acceptance, and compassion. Most humans are hungry, even desperate, for love, learning, and relief of suffering, along with a connection with others who also care. Brandon and his many fans and colleagues are transforming this idealistic vision into a practical reality. At the end of this moving interview, Brandon mentioned a number of additional groups that are rapidly forming including two Signal text groups created by Derek Gurney. “Mission Accomplished or Refused,” is a place to “report on plans to tackle aversive tasks” and take accountability – which is an effective tool for changing habits. He has also created an  “Exposure Celebration” class, which sounds like a terrific chance to do exposure with the support and reinforcement from others. This is something tremendously helpful for people struggle with all types of anxiety. Again, please click here to see more information about these wonderful and completely free Grassroots TEAM CBT groups! And if YOU have a free TEAM practice group you'd like to start or have started and want to add to the list, please email Brandon Vance, MD (brandonvance@gmail.com). In fact, I've always dreamed of free self-help groups for mood problems, with much the same spirit of lay healing you find in Alcoholics Anonymous. And now, in my old age, it is tremendously encouraging to see this happening. I have to pinch myself, in fact! Thanks, Brandon, Nicholas, Ana Teresa, and Patricia! Warmly, David and Rhonda  

353: The Inner Scoop on “No" Practice! The “Inner” and “Outer” Dialogues— The “Inner” and “Outer” Solutions As you know, I have created many powerful communication techniques, including the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and more. One of the additional techniques is called “No” Practice, and it's designed for people who have trouble saying “no,” or setting limits with other people. Essentially, you do a role-play with a colleague or therapist who keeps pestering you with pushy demands, and you have to practice saying “No” in a polite but firm and assertive way. Sounds simple, right? But it's not! People have many reasons for not wanting to say “No.” For example, you may be afraid of hurting the other person's feelings, or letting them down, or running the risk that they may get mad at you if you don't say, “Yes.” In addition, you may feel like you'll miss out on some special activity if you say no, so you end up way over-committed. In this session, you will meet an exceptionally compassionate and highly trained young psychiatrist named Lee, who asked for help with a problem relating to some of his patients. My co-therapist is Dr. Jill Levitt, who is the Director of Clinical Training at the Feeling Good Institute in Mountain View, California. Lee explained how he struggles with saying “no” when patients make inappropriate requests, like pushing for a medication they're addicted to, and wanting premature discharge from the inpatient unit when they have unrecognized safety issues. Instead, he seems to get drawn into long explanations of his thinking and why he's declining the other person's requests, sometimes for half an hour, and ends up frustrated when the other person still doesn't “get it” and with himself for spending the time. People often think that therapy is easy, and that people just need encouragement, advice, or behavioral practice to change the way we interact with others. But as you will vividly see in this session, that is often not the case, and things that may seem simple or obvious can seem almost impossibly difficult to learn. Why does this happen? Why is it so difficult for people to learn new and seemingly simple verbal skills? Well, to find the answer, we have to go back to the teachings of the Buddha and Epictetus, who taught us that our negative feelings do NOT result from what's happening, but from our thoughts. What does this mean? Well, Lee is an incredibly intelligent and compassionate young psychiatrist, and he's clearly highly motivated, and yet he seems very slow in learning how to say “no.” Can his thoughts illuminate his apparent resistance to learning a new approach? During the session, Dr. Levitt reminded us of the fact that whenever you are involved in a conflict with someone, or any interaction for that matter, there are always two dialogues going on: the Inner and Outer Dialogues, and if you ignore either one of them, you may have difficulties triggering change. The Outer Dialogue involves what you say to the other person, and what they say next, and how you respond. For example, Patient says: “Doctor, I want to get discharged from the hospital.” Lee says: “No, I can't do that because you'd be in danger and without a place to live. You'd be living on the streets, and it wouldn't be safe for you.” Patient (who is in a state of psychosis) responds: “No doctor, I'll be okay, because I'm living with Michael Jackson.” Then Lee tries to explain his thinking again, and then the patient asks to be discharged from the hospital again. And this cycle repeats itself many times, over and over, for as much as an hour. And they both end up frustrated and a bit miffed. Why is it so hard for Lee to say no in a kindly way and then move on to some other activity? That's where the Inner Dialogue can be so important. It appears that Lee has two types of distortions that interfere with his ability / willingness to say “no.” Self-Directed Should Statements. Lee appears to believe that he “should” be able to explain his thinking to any patient. He wants to convey respect, responsiveness, and care when denying a request. This is, of course, an expression of his high standards, his compassion, and his desire to communicate clearly to his patients. But, as is so often the case, Lee takes this goal a little to far, think he should “always” be able to do this, regardless of how psychotic or confused or demanding a patient might be. Essentially, the healthy pursuit of excellence as a psychiatrist has gone a little too far and has arguably morphed into a self-defeating kind of medical perfectionism. Self-Directed Shoulds typically trigger feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and inadequacy. They are often accompanied by several other distortions, including All-or-Nothing Thinking, Mind-Reading, and Self-Blame, to name just a few. Other-Directed Should Statements. Lee appears to think that his patients “should” understand and acknowledge his thinking if he's being reasonable and realistic. He may also believe that if he's doing his best, then his patients “should” argue fairly and acknowledge when they understand what he tells them and “shouldn't” be manipulative, unreasonable or argumentative. Other-Directed Shoulds often trigger feelings of frustration and anger, and are often associated with All-or-Nothing Thinking, Mind-Reading, Emotional Reasoning, and Other-Blame, to name just a few. Another teaching point is that we nearly always create our own interpersonal reality, but we don't realize that because we feel like victims and see the problem as coming from outside of ourselves. Lee's urge to continue to try to “win” the arguments with patients actually forces them to keep arguing their case and trying over and over again to get their way. That's just human nature. We've all seen that people can be pretty obstinate and determined to get their way, no matter what. That's why a focus on what you can do to change will often lead to a change in other people; in contrast, repeated efforts to persuade them to change is almost never effective. By way of analogy, my wife and I have recently had a bit of a problem with our cat, SweetiePie. She was a rescue cat, and we love her to death, and do everything we can to make her happy. She loves us intensely and shows her gratitude with loud purring almost all day long when she's not asleep or out in the back yard exploring. BUT, she has been pestering us for cat candy, and has gained too much weight. Here's what happens. She jumps up on my desk, and puts her paw on my keyboard, and stands if front of the computer terminal so I can't see. So, I give her two or three pieces of cat candy on her perch next to me. She jumps up and greedily devours it. Next, she jumps back on the desk and puts her paw on the keyboard. I “explain” to her that she's eating too much candy, and try to put her back on her perch, so she swats me with her claws and draws blood if I'm not quick to pull my hand away. So, I give her a few more pieces of candy, which she devours and then goes to sleep. Similar routine with my wife. She follows her, crying like she's on the verge of death, and swatting at her ankles until she gets cat candy and / or a 30 minute lap snuggle. So, in short, we have been “forcing” her, inadvertently,  out of love, to manipulate us for cat candy. In other words, we “reward” her manipulations by giving her cat candy and love. As a result, our pour girl is gaining too much weight. Of course, the solution is simple. Melanie has agreed to give her only four pieces of cat candy per day, and I am limiting her to two pieces, just so she'll know she's still loved. And when she tries to swat me with her claws, I just explain in a kindly way that I don't like that and put her on the floor. She caught on right away and seems to have accepted the new routine. Of course, we continue to give her abundant helpings of love every day, many times a day, as the love has zero calories! So, what's the bottom line? If you're trying to learn the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, and you want to change the way you communicate with others, remember to attend to your Inner Dialogue, as well as what you are actually saying to the other person during the conflict, especially if you're getting anxious, defensive, angry, frustrated or upset. If you write down your negative thoughts, I think you'll find many similar distortions to the ones described above, and this can give you another handle on change the way you think, feel, and connect with the people you care about, as well as the ones you don't! Incidentally, the belief that we are separate from others and from our environment is the essence of evil, according to some Buddhists, and perhaps nearly all of the world's religions have had similar beliefs, though couched in different language. But what this means to me is that when we struggle with friends of loved ones, and we are locked into frustrating conflicts, we typically feel like we are “separate” from the other person who is “doing something” to us. And this perception can not only trigger anger and frustration, but sometimes even violence. As humans, we seem to have great difficulty “seeing” our own role in the conflict. And sometimes, we don't even WANT to, because the so-called “Great Death” of the self can be very painful. This is especially true when we see ourselves as morally superior to the other person who is “bad” or “to blame.” We are indebted to Lee for giving us this superb example of a problem that nearly all human beings struggle with, and also sharing his vulnerability and humanness with all of us in such an open and generous way! And we salute and thank Lee for courageously showing us the way with an intensely personal and real example. Contact info Dr. Rhonda Barovsky practices in Walnut Creek and Berkeley, California. She can be reached at rhonda@feelinggreattherapycenter.com. She is a Level 5 Certified TEAM-CBT therapist and trainer and specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. You can reach Dr. Burns at david@feelinggood.com. You can reach Jill Levitt, Ph.D. at jilllevitt@feelinggoodinstitute.com. She is the Director of Clinical Training at the Feeling Good Institute in Mountain View, California (www.feelinggoodinstitute.com) You can reach Lee at bananaquitting@gmail.com Group Feedback The following are a few of the comments in the feedback at the end of the Tuesday class. These are comments from the mental health professionals who observed the session with Lee. Please describe what you specifically disliked about the training? What could have been improved? Were there some things you disagreed with or did not understand? LOVED it! NOTHING Can't think of anything I only wish that we could have more time for this work with Lee. I kept feeling like I wanted to jump in and try some of these skills myself.   Please describe what you specifically liked about the training? What was the most helpful? Were there some things you learned? I liked the externalization of resistance and would've like to see more with that or maybe even a “rules & roles” regarding patient/doctor relationships. I really liked Lee's work. I also struggle with saying no, and I liked all of the role reversals and honest feedback from everyone involved. I found Jill's insight at the end of the session regarding the conceptualization of the problem, particularly the internal versus external solution (during the “no” practice), to be quite valuable. It was clear that Lee was facing conflicting desires - the need to act in the best interests of his clients while also seeking acceptance and approval. Taking the time to delve deeper into those internal factors may have further strengthened the effectiveness of the external solution (the “no” practice). Was helpful to see the miracle cure/goal clarified, as well as the 'acid test'. Good to see the model in action! I just enjoyed Lee's honesty , caring and professionalism. He brought up an issue that has been close to my heart as I worked with schizophrenic patients in clinic and day hospitalization settings and have experienced EXACTELY what Lee described. You feel between the devil and the deep blue sea when the medical staff conveniently toss responsibility to the less professional staff and when those in the trenches need to be there for the patients by saying NO. I LOVED David's comment about being disrespectful to patients with schizophrenia by going on and on with lofty brainy arguments while the loving thing to do is to be empathic stroking and firm. From my experience when I am real with my patients, they feel the best. Thank you, Lee, David and Jill. This was beautiful , heartwarming, and I am so touched to belong in this group. David and Jill's exquisite empathy, the Positive Reframe, and the NO practice. EVERYTHING!!! This was truly incredible! David and Jill are an unbeatable tag "TEAM!" Jill's warmth and empathy and teasing out the variables of Lee's story that were not always apparently obvious. Lee's vulnerability and seeing his depth and caring as a Psychiatrist was heartening and impressive. It helped me understand the flow of TEAM CBT and how things fit together better by seeing a live session from the beginning. I LOVED that Dr. Burns and Jill had to go down several different avenues to see what would work best. This closely reflects my own experience of therapy with my patients. Seeing them struggle a little made me feel even more sure that TEAM is the only approach that makes sense and cures people. This was a really wonderful session. I appreciate Lee volunteering, sharing with us his work challenges, and allowing us to see his kind and caring personality. I loved the masterful work of Jill and David. It seems to me that practicing responding to his patients with the use of the 5 secrets was imperative and I was amazed to see how that helped dropping down the feelings on the DML before we got to work on the Negative Thoughts. Once again, TEAM works like a charm! That this was a powerful real life issue that Lee shared. I enjoyed the empathy and how that led to sorting out conceptualization and miracle cure. David and Jill's combined efforts to go in many directions to help Lee see where he is stuck. I struggle in exactly the way Lee does in these sorts of situations, and it was so helpful and inspiring to me to see him do this work. Thank you, Lee! I was deeply moved by your deep caring for your patients and values around wanting your patients to have agency and understanding when there's so little in their world that they can control. I wish every psychiatrist had more Lee in him/her/them! I appreciate that Lee opened up himself in the group and I could observe the personal work of David and Jill, the amazing masters of TEAM-CBT. I admire Lee's compassion and warm heart toward his patients and I owed a lot to Lee who has very high standards to make things clear, just as he has done in his teaching in our Newbie group. And I think his sadness and anger might be an expression of his passion toward justice and dignity of his hospitalized patients. Appreciated Lee sharing with the group and doing personal work on a challenging problem. Liked when Jill brought up the internal versus external solution and then the session switched gears to work on the negative thoughts that made it so difficult for Lee to say no. Really enjoy the personal work, and getting to see the TEAM process unfold in skillful hands. I appreciate that you gave Lee time to explain his points, and that he was able to be truthful and disagree at times, and then you asked why and he explained further. This led to a more nuanced exploration and conceptualization of his issues and goals. I liked the focusing of a major part of the problem of "saying no" to a relationship / Five Secrets issue...resulting from internal and external shoulds. I appreciated the comparison with parent/child discipline, and not getting sucked into arguments. I also appreciate that you were able to pinpoint the problems around trying to get desperate, even schizophrenic patients, to understand one's point of view. It was great seeing the modeling of how to respond to some of these difficult patient situations. And how to clearly define the agenda when a patient is unclear about their goals. Also, so admiring of Lee. I liked how Jill and David navigated figuring out what Lee wanted to work on (when they came up with the three options). Issues that have "internal" and "external" components to them are difficult for me, and I often get confused. Seeing Jill and David work that out helps me wrap my head around how to go about it, thanks. Please describe what you learned in today's group. I appreciate Lee's vulnerability and I have so much respect for how he cares for his patients. I appreciated seeing the multiple role-playing attempts and was bummed when we ran out of time. I have so much admiration for Lee and feel for how much he's struggling. Personal work, externalization of voices, magic dial, Daily Mood Log (DML), 5 secrets, etc. How Five Secrets and No practice fit within the DML work That they could have started on the internal work of negative thoughts or the external work of "NO practice" TEAM at it's best! I observed NO practice and would like to learn more specifically about it ... Seeing the TEAM model unfold step by step in real time is always an incredibly valuable learning experience. Hearing Jill entertain potential directions to go in (i.e. crushing negative thoughts vs. No practice.) Learning challenging scenarios in context of "NO" practice was really awesome! Just magnificent overall! THANK YOU!!! Always feel so privileged to be part of this uniquely wonderful community of like-minded professionals! We are so lucky! I don't have to be smooth and have all the right answers immediately. This process is highly collaborative. How to employ the team model especially conceptualization and role play with NO practice and Five Secrets practice. How dealing with severely mentally ill pts can be so difficult. There's a sixth secret in effective communication: the willingness to use one's power in a kindly way to give the shot and get it over with. It's so helpful to me to add this secret to my armamentarium! Positive reframing and No practice, along with Externalization of Voices and Externalization of Resistance. I learned something about Lee, and about the difficulties of psychiatric hospital work for doctors! Also, seeing the process unfold skillfully, teasing out the problem to work on, Externalization of Resistance, Positive Reframing, Externalization of Voices, No/5 Secrets Practice, etc. How to be clear on agenda setting when patients are unclear on their goals. I was reminded about how to ask about a client's goal in order to guide agenda-setting. It was nice seeing the five secrets role-play / no practice. I've been inspired to start practicing daily like David said he did. Can never get enough of that!