Don't Cut Your Own Bangs

In this episode of 'Don't Cut Your Own Bangs,' Danielle Ireland interviews adventurer and SDM Diving owner Eli Martinez. They discuss his unique career leading land and ocean safaris, dispelling myths about predators, and the connection between exploring the wild and self-discovery. Eli shares his journey from aspiring bull rider to renowned wildlife guide and photographer, emphasizing the therapeutic and transformative power of nature. Together, they explore how experiencing the wild fosters understanding, empathy, and personal growth. RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE TO “DON'T CUT YOUR OWN BANGS”  Like your favorite recipe or song, the best things in life are shared. When you rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast, your engagement helps me connect  with other listeners just like you. Plus, subscriptions just make life easier for everybody. It's one less thing for you to think about and you can easily keep up to date on everything that's new. So, please rate, review, and subscribe today. DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Connect with Eli: Book an adventure HERE - https://sdmdiving.com/ Instagram Connect with Danielle: Watch the show on YouTube Instagram The Treasured Journal Wrestling a Walrus 00:00 Introduction to the Podcast and Guest 00:13 Eli Martinez: The Adventurer's Journey 01:21 Connecting with Nature and Overcoming Fear 02:18 Building a Dream Career 05:59 Diving into the World of Sharks 12:16 The Power of Social Media and Storytelling 17:59 The Importance of Conservation and Ecotourism 21:40 Personal Growth Through Wildlife Experiences 28:40 Connecting with Nature and Self 29:07 The Lion Tracker's Guide to Life 29:38 Struggles with Anxiety and Self-Doubt 31:04 Emotional Awareness and Growth 32:00 Transformative Experiences in the Wild 35:03 Launching Shark Diver Magazine 35:55 Shifting from Magazine to Excursions 40:49 Dispelling the Predator Myth 48:28 Curiosity and Career Pivots 53:30 Conclusion and Final Thoughts Transcript Eli Martinez Podcast Interview [00:00:00] Danielle: Hello. Hello. This is Danielle Ireland and you are listening to Don't Cut Your Own Banks and Today's Guest. this has been a long time coming for me. I am so excited beyond excited to introduce Eli Martinez. Eli is an adventurer. [00:00:14] He's an explorer, he's an operator and owner of SDM Adventures. It's a group that leads land and ocean safaris. If you have ever seen these wild otherworldly images of people swimming with humpback whales, swimming with orca whales, swimming with crocodiles, swimming with anacondas. There's a good chance that you've stumbled across his images because he is one of the few, right? [00:00:42] It's a pretty small pool of people who make a living doing what he does, Images, they grab your attention, they hook your imagination. But it being on a screen, it's easy to think, well, that's so far removed from my life. what value is there in that for me? Like that's a cool image. But the internet has lots of cool images. [00:01:00] There's a couple of important distinctions and what I think makes this episode so special. What we talk about is dispelling the predator myth and my work as a therapist and his work as a safari guide. They don't seem too related, but there was one common thread that came out of this episode that it's gonna stick with me for a long time. [00:01:21] He's guiding people into the natural world to feel connected to the natural world in a deep and profound way. And when anybody sits with their emotional space. With their feelings. Feelings of discomfort, fear, terror, trauma. That's really hard to do and hard to hold. But when you do and access curiosity, you begin to tap into your true nature. [00:01:49] Your intuition, and so Eli might be talking about sharks and the deep ocean, and I might be talking about feelings, but there is a common thread in language here that makes this episode already one of my favorites. I can't wait for you to hear his story because not only is the work itself that we spent a lot of time talking about, fascinating. [00:02:10] He leads people on wildlife safaris in the ocean, on land. I mean, it's just. What a cool, amazing job. But he built that job. There wasn't an application for him to fill out. He built this from the ground up and there were stumbling blocks, missteps and pivots along the way, and he shares those with us. [00:02:30] So not only can we learn about how could I build a dream that I didn't know was possible, you also have the benefit of. Really getting a sense of what is it like, what is the value, what is the purpose? And I would argue where is the healing in connecting with the natural world, whether that's through a hike or through looking out your window. [00:02:53] And as he states a couple of times, just watch a sunset. Really watch a sunset. So I'm gonna save that. I'm gonna leave that for you there. Thank you for being here. You're gonna love this episode. Welcome, Eli Martinez. [00:03:08] [00:04:18] Danielle: Eli Martinez, thank you so much for being here with Don't cut your own bangs. [00:04:23] This is not the first time we've met, but this is the first time we've done a podcast together and I am like the little kid in me who wanted to be a marine biologist when she first knew what dolphins were. [00:04:34] This feels like just she feels so greedy with excitement to talk to someone who has made a living, being an adventure traveler and swimming with animals and interacting with animals all over the world. So I'm very excited to talk to you. [00:04:47] Eli: Actually, I was a little self-conscious about it because of, because of your background in psychology. [00:04:52] I'm like, okay, all right. where do I start? [00:04:55] Danielle: You know what? Yes. your family actually told me to schedule this podcast interview so that we could really get into what makes Eli tick. No, no, no, no, no., This is a celebration what I'm curious about personally, not just professionally working as a therapist, but I love understanding what leads people down, whatever path they end on. [00:05:16] And probably a lot of that is because I mistakenly thought during my twenties that you went through the school system. You graduate with a degree, you start working in that career, and you follow all of the steps to be a good. Citizen and that was not my path, and it was a lot more twisty and turny and there were a lot of pivots and I can see that now as of value. [00:05:43] But, in those moments where I thought I knew what I was going to be doing and life took me in a different direction, it. Knocked me down pretty hard I think there were a lot of moments where I felt like I was failing or wasn't doing it right, using air quotes of whatever it is. [00:05:59] And so someone like you who, are a storyteller, explorer, wildlife photographer, and have spent your life chasing the wild. you lead ocean and land wildlife, safaris. I love that distinction. Ocean and land, wildlife safaris. [00:06:15] There is not, you can't go to high school and then college and then just start doing what you're doing. There's no Reddit, there's no LinkedIn interview that you can fulfill to make that a career. You had to chisel that together. And so I really wanna understand that more. how you built this dream. [00:06:36] What seems from afar, like a dream life? And I'm sure it is many days, but I wanna know how you did it. [00:06:43] Eli: animals have always been like my first love, as a child, I can remember my first toys were animals. my dream as a child was to become a wildlife veterinarian. that was the only way I knew that I could actually physically be around animals that, 'cause I had no idea about wildlife guiding or photography or storytelling [00:07:05] So veterinarian was the only way I could get close to a zebra or a giraffe. And I said, that's what I want to do. So as a child, that was like that one dream that I had. And of course, life gets in the way and I went to a completely different route. I actually went to school to be a motorcycle mechanic. [00:07:23] So what? [00:07:24] Danielle: Yeah. [00:07:24] Eli: That's [00:07:25] Danielle: definitely a different route. [00:07:26] Eli: Yeah. No, it was, I fell in love with race bikes and I wanted to travel the world. look, me being a mechanic for race teams, that was my thing. I love motorcycles, but I like wrenching them. I like working on them more than I like writing them for, it's just my DNA, just how I like to be. [00:07:43] Fast forward a bunch of years, I fell in love with shark diving. I went scuba diving and on my very first. Dive. I saw a shark and it terrified me. It excited me. filled me with everything that I enjoyed about wildlife to begin with. [00:08:00] And it was coming out of the water that I realized I knew absolutely nothing about sharks. Everything I thought I knew was wrong. [00:08:09] Mm-hmm. , [00:08:10] So I, came outta the water that day and I was just completely fascinated, really obsessed with learning more about sharks. So I, I bought every book I could find. [00:08:20] I read as much as I could about them, and I just was like, I gotta get in the water with them some more. And it was on my very first, travel. I went to The Bahamas and it was on that experience is. What got me on this path that I'm on today was just like, I want to dive with sharks. I want to travel to exotic places. [00:08:41] I want to meet amazing people, [00:08:43] Danielle: How do you wait? Do okay? I, okay, so we're gonna get to the how. So you fell in love, and now it's the how, but I wanna go back. Do you remember the first shark, like in your, can you access that memory and do you know the shark? [00:08:55] I can. What was it? It was a bull shark. Oh, whoa. Okay. Yeah. that's gnarly. Yeah, that is. okay. The first shark you ever swam with was a bull shark. I don't know why that's like the one that scares me. I, I can relate. So not to put on the therapy hat for, for anything other than just, I find this so interesting that the things that scared me, I wanted to learn more about, I found endlessly interesting. [00:09:21] And when I was young it was the ocean, the deep ocean, And I really became, in the way that a suburban kid could really curious about sharks and very interested in sharks. And I would always talk about them and just rattle off a bunch of shark facts. [00:09:36] And I, as you were talking, you reminded me of the fork in the road moment where I thought. What I thought was I wanted to work with animals. What I realized was, oh, I just kinda like you love turning wrenches more than you love racing. I love learning about animals more than I want to. I'll just tell the story. [00:09:57] When I was, 13 or 14, I applied for a summer job at our Indianapolis Zoo. that really burst my bubble of what that was gonna mean. I wanted to work with animals. But I realized, I just wanted to play with the elephants. I didn't wanna do the dipping dots concession stand. [00:10:14] So there's this sense of you, you were afraid you shared that. I dove with sharks. I swam with a bull shark. I came outta the water. I was afraid and then fascinated. is that something there, is that like a theme for you that you feel a jolt or a rush and then you wanna understand that rush more? [00:10:31] Possibly, [00:10:32] Eli: it was just more of like, when I saw the shark, I had two primal instincts, which was, one was to follow it. And the other was to get outta the water. That was just like those two conflicting feelings that was going through me. [00:10:46] And the, when I was, I ran out of air really quick 'cause it was actually my very first ocean dive. [00:10:51] Okay. So I was sitting on the surface, the dive master sent me up to the surface by myself, which is crazy. And when I think about it, man, I didn't know anything I was doing. I'm just looking down. [00:11:01] I'm just like, really worried the shark is gonna come up and get me 'cause I'm on the surface. And that's all I knew. I always knew. I knew the jaw story. I knew a little, just very small snippets of information on sharks and Yeah. And it was completely opposite of what was happening. the shark wanted nothing to do with us. [00:11:17] It tried to avoid us completely. [00:11:18] Danielle: Yeah. [00:11:19] Eli: Got out of the water and then the whole way back to port, I was just like, okay. He didn't come after us. He didn't want anything to do with this. [00:11:28] Like, why? and it was that moment that was just like, after that I got out of the water, I'm like, okay. I gotta know. I gotta know. yeah. [00:11:36] Danielle: what you thought you knew, conflicted with what you experienced, and you were trying to understand that more. [00:11:42] Eli: Right. [00:11:43] Danielle: That's really interesting. I can relate to that. I honestly think that's a big thread of what led me to therapy. I wanted to understand my internal experience more. And I think there's, steps of you're introduced to a concept and then you embody the concept. [00:11:57] you're no longer having to consciously think about it, but really mastery when you're able to teach. And so I think in many ways I wanted to understand that enough to help others, but it began through my own experience and my own curiosity. so I feel like I should mention, How I got connected with you. [00:12:16] I think social media gets a bad rap. it gets a lot of bad press, but thank God for social media. it was in 2012 or 13 and I was watching Shark Week because you always gotta be watching Shark Week. [00:12:27] I was watching Shark Week and the whole episode I was watching was, they were trying to see could large species sharks experience the same temporary paralysis as smaller or baby sharks when they're flipped upside down for study? And I was, of course they're doing all of these great cuts, is it gonna work? [00:12:43] Who knows? Is it gonna work? And of course, they're gonna end it with it working, you're on the edge of your seat. what are they gonna do? What are they gonna do? And they showed a clip of you with a tiger shark in The Bahamas and you were like hand feeding it. And then you stimulated the and you correct me with all the science terms, but you were like stimulating the sout and it just put it in this little trance and then you just tipped it upright. [00:13:06] You just, it stood vertical and you held it just, a shark, a tiger shark. Yeah. I don't know. Was like 16 feet, 15 feet, something like that. [00:13:15] Eli: Possibly. yeah. Anyway, it [00:13:17] Danielle: blew my mind and I think I just made a post about it. I took a picture of my tv. I was like, my mind is blown. [00:13:24] And then some weeks later you commented, thanks so much for the shout out. And that was one of those first moments. That really connected with oh, you can actually connect with the people who were doing things that you think is cool. it just, it really bridged this gap. And then once, of course, I found out what you and your family, 'cause it's a family band, it's like a whole, it's the whole family involved on these excursions. [00:13:46] But as soon as I made that connection, my husband and I signed up to, swim with Whale Sharks with you and your wife, and your son and your daughter. So that's just, I feel like I gotta give credit to, the algorithm and the innerwebs for making that possible. 'cause I don't know if I would've even thought that was a possibility. [00:14:05] Eli: Oh, that's, thanks for sharing that. I, man, that story just,, [00:14:09] Danielle: mm-hmm. [00:14:10] Eli: Wow. Just flooded with memory with that little piece. [00:14:13] Danielle: Yeah, it was, [00:14:14] When I set out to write a book, I only knew two things. One was I wanted to make big feelings, feel less scary and more approachable, and I wanted to bring some lightness to the feelings themselves. What I know to be true as a therapist is that emotions are energy in motion. They have information to tell you to inform the next right step to take and self-doubt, fear, anxiety, live in that space between knowing and not knowing. [00:14:38] The second thing I knew was that I wanted to have fun in the process of making. This thing. The result is this wrestling a walrus for little people with big feelings, beautifully illustrated children's book that has a glossary at the end for some of the bigger feeling words. What this story does in a light and loving way is create context for those relationships. [00:14:58] You can't change those people that you wish would treat you different. The things in life that we cannot control and yet we face that are hard. This book, it's a conversation starter for any littles in your life. Who want to create more safety and love and patience for some of those experiences. So hop one over to the show notes. [00:15:16] You can pick it up@amazon.com, barge de noble.com or my website. I hope that you do because I believe in this little book. I freaking love this little book, and I cannot wait to hear your experience with it. Thanks so much for listening and get back to the episode. [00:15:29] Eli: those are fun, fun shows to do. and there's definitely a lot of benefits to social media, I think. I think it's a great tool. It's a great servant, A terrible master. [00:15:41] That's the best way I can describe it. said. yeah, it is just, there's so many benefits to, connecting with people on the other side of the world to learning about unique places, to learning unique things. it's been one of my most important tools when finding new places for wildlife. [00:15:58] but on the flip side, there's sometimes there's just too much information out there and too much because of it. it's made life difficult for wildlife, difficult for kids, difficult for, it's just. It can be too much. And that's the only downside [00:16:14] Danielle: it's like, how we engage with it. It's an extension of how we are showing up with it, what we're looking for, what interests us. [00:16:21] what I love about how you show up there and how your family shows up there with images is it really, I think, highlights How we operate. we look first and then we listen second. And so you'll capture these images or these videos that seem other worldly and it catches your attention enough. [00:16:43] And if you can hold that attention enough, and it probably helps that your message is consistent of conservation, understanding, connecting with nature. when you can capture someone's attention with an image, just what happened with me? [00:16:56] And then you can maybe engage in a dialogue . And it actually leads me to something, that you mentioned. Something I caught from your website that I really liked this language, that when people experience the wild, they understand and when they understand they care. [00:17:12] And that sounds much like the experience you had swimming with the bull shark. But I wanna know more about that because you, not only through, your media outlets and the content you put out, but you are handholding, you're guiding people into the water or in, ocean and land safaris. [00:17:31] And I wanna understand more about this concept 'cause I think it's true of emotions too. If you can't articulate what you're feeling, then when people don't have language for what they're experiencing, they usually shut down and collapse or they explode with rage. it's gotta go somewhere. [00:17:46] And so when you can create context and language, you also create safety. it seems like with what you're guiding people through, you want them to understand and so that they care. yeah, tell me more. [00:17:59] Eli: Yeah, that has a lot to do with just experiences being out in nature. [00:18:04] I think nature is probably one of the best doctors on the planet. first and foremost, I think that people being around wildlife, people being in the ocean, people being in the wilderness, it replenishes your soul. It recharges your batteries. I think it just makes you a better person. [00:18:21] it's through these connections and meeting wildlife and having people go out there in the wild and see these places and see these animals and they come back and they tell stories, they tell their friends. [00:18:31] And hopefully it's through those kind of connections that, [00:18:36] Conservation comes out of, like at the end of the day, the animals win. That's what you're hoping for is for the animals to win because these are voiceless souls on our planet that share this world with us. and without these people, without these experiences, they're completely vulnerable for lack of better words, to bigger business, to sadly going away, for lack of better words. [00:18:56] Danielle: I think one of the biggest problems that animals have is that they are second class citizens on our planet that we share. And unfortunately, we're seeing our wild places disappear. alarmingly fast, and it's, I think that conservation ecotourism are probably the only tools left that are going to save, what's left of our wild places, what's left of our wildlife, Let's try to get some people on your wildlife safaris. What would be, so if someone's listening who has maybe like me, just from a television screen or from a social media account, wondered, that would be cool, but that could never work for me. I could never do something like that. [00:19:40] That it just, when you're. Physical reality or even your mental reality feels so removed from the wild world. we live in boxed rooms and we're so connected with screens and, my wildlife outside my window is squirrels, cardinals. [00:19:58] Eli: That's perfect. [00:19:58] Danielle: So how would you speak life into someone saying yes to an adventure and where do they begin? [00:20:07] Eli: Oh man. I think it really, first and foremost, it all comes down to your comfort level. I think that there's so many ways for people to reconnect with nature, whether it's hiking, whether it's biking, whether it's going to the beach for the day, watching a sunset. [00:20:23] Just watching a sunset is so powerful. I think it's so important. I don't think we do it enough. I think that is probably the simplest way to remember that you are a part of something bigger and as simple as it sounds, it is so important. now watching a sunset in an amazing place is even 10 times better. [00:20:42] It's that much more powerful. just, trying to reconnect with nature, I think the important part to remind people that yes. The earth is here. She is alive and she breathes and she's got a heartbeat every day. And I think that sunset is her heartbeat. [00:20:55] and it's a great way to see it. [00:20:57] Danielle: I just saw, I think it was nasa, release some footage of a particular, some type of lens on a satellite that was able to actually detect a pulse on the earth. [00:21:08] Like the earth has a heartbeat, but I'm sure the more sciencey people have another way of explaining it. but that it caught my attention. And that feels just right on par with what you're saying when the heart space and the head space connect, I think that's where magic happens. [00:21:22] Like when you can believe it in your mind, but then you experience it in your body, that is, powerful. I think everybody needs to have an experience like getting into the deep ocean or going out into the wild nature. I really think everybody should have that in their life at least once. [00:21:40] But I wanna share a little bit about what my experience was like , with, um, you and your wife swimming with winter parks, because it was there was so much momentum for me built up into what I thought that experience was gonna be because from the time I understood. Little mermaid, Disney to the time I, could name the dolphin body parts and thought that's what I wanted to be like this, there was so much emotional charge and I'm gonna go in the water and I'm gonna swim and it's gonna be great. [00:22:11] And I just had this idea that I'm gonna connect with this shark. We're gonna make eye contact and it's gonna, we're gonna just be on the same vibe. so many expectations that I never expressed, but they were all there. I was, probably trying to keep it cool. But, no,the reality it, the i'll, I will just to skip to the end, the reality far exceeds whatever I imagine. [00:22:31] the first day was me reconciling what I thought it would be and what it really was. Getting on a little charter boat going way out in the middle of the gulf and. Then, I think sturgeon were spawning and that was what was drawing the sharks. And so it made visibility like all of these little eggs were refracting light. [00:22:51] So it was this very sparkly, but also sometimes visibility was funky. And the thing that I couldn't wrap my head around was from the boat. You could look out at the water and see, I don't know, a dozen whale sharks at any given time, but then you get in the water and adrenaline hits and I don't know where they are. [00:23:13] I can't see them. It's just having very little to no experience in the deep water. That was such a jolt and a shock to my system. and then being in the water with an animal, 20 feet, 25 feet, 30 feet long, My nervous system just didn't know how to compute. it was so much, I don't think I'd ever been that tired, ever. [00:23:37] Just, it took so much outta me. And then, day 2, 3, 4, each day got a little easier 'cause I had a better idea of what to expect. And also I didn't, you're covered in fish eggs, you're culvert in fish eggs. So the, the imagination that I would become this mermaid this other worldly creature and have this like soul bond with a whale shark, it wasn't that. [00:23:59] But the real life experience was incredible too. But I just, I don't, and I guess I don't really know where I'm leading with the question, but how do you see when having guided so many people through these moments? Like for somebody who's thinking about. Possibly planning an experience like that? [00:24:20] Like what, how do you prepare what would be good for someone to prepare for what that is like? [00:24:26] Eli: Wow, man. it's so different for everybody. it's just, valid. [00:24:30] Danielle: Valid. Then everybody maybe wants to be [00:24:32] Eli: Yeah. there's a few that want to be mermaids for sure on our trips. I'm not gonna lie. [00:24:38] but yeah, it's just really these animals the whale shark is a great, I call 'em, they're like gateway animals into a bigger world because, when it comes to seeing orcas and whales and of all different species and sharks, a whale shark is possibly, [00:24:55] It's a great ambassador for the species because they're a harmless species. They're just like big giant catfish floating on the surface. and it's a wonderful animal for someone of all ages to experience. it really is, [00:25:10] the whale shark, and I don't know if you had man rays on your trip as well, because Sometimes they show up every other year. The man ray is another, ocean angel. they're just, they're just, the perfect animal for people, for if you wanna. [00:25:24] Experience the ocean. If you wanna experience what life is like in the ocean, in a Disney way, that is the perfect animal to do it with. It's just very safe. it's a phenomenal, way to decide if, you know what? I would like to do more of things like this, or, this was perfect, this was enough. [00:25:43] You know, [00:25:45] Danielle: I wanna go back to something, something that you wrote that I really liked. that reminded me. [00:25:50] Even though we are talking about safari, we're talking about adventure, we're talking about animals, I think the more specific we become in a way, the more universal it becomes. And this quote made me think about a lot of the stuff that you write, it's a Mark Twain quote that travel is fatal to prejudice. [00:26:09] once you see something, you can't unsee something. I wanna speak to the, Why beyond conservation? if I'm not connected to nature, if I'm not connected to animals and I've got enough going on in my life, that conservation, cool, I'm glad someone's taking care of it, but that's not my focus. [00:26:29] What would be a personal selfish reason that would be maybe a call to action that you like? What would be the invitation for somebody individually, not globally, not, for any other reason, like why it could change your life to jump into the deep or get in a Jeep with no top and go drive out to a pride of lions. [00:26:55] what is the reason that you could articulate why somebody should do that? [00:27:00] Eli: I think the wildlife is, they're reminders of where we all came from. we were all of us in our DNA, if you look at the generations of people that have lived on this planet, at some point we were all part of that. We were all out there. [00:27:18] there wasn't this separation between us and our wild places. whether it was the ocean, whether it was a jungle. some of our ancestors had to deal with bears in their front porch. some of our ancestors had to deal with lions walking through camp. [00:27:34] that's something that we have either. Blocked out or forgotten. Obviously we've forgotten just because of generations of separation from it. But we are all part of that. We are all part of this world. beyond our cars and our homes and our clothes, we are part of nature a hundred percent. [00:27:55] We've forgotten this. And I think these are great reminders to remind us, Hey, this is where we all come from. This is, we're not separated from these things. we are very much a part of these things. And if anything, there are so many species that, although they're no longer, relevant in our world, they're so important for our world, not only as reminders, but as part of this giant balance, because we're all connected in some way, in some form. [00:28:23] we're all for lack of better, we're all one. And I think it's important. To remind people that, like we, we need to stay connected. We need to protect these animals because, they're much a part of this earth as we are. and we have to remind people that they're there yeah, that, that's, [00:28:44] This is our home. This is their home. This is our home. [00:28:47] Danielle: And I also, what I'm hearing too, it's they, when you're in communion with nature, you become more in touch with, or in tune with your own natural rhythm, your own self. There's, you might actually, know him or, 'cause I would imagine the community, like the pool you're in terms of career is probably small, I'm just guessing. [00:29:07] But, Boyd Verdi, he's from South Africa, he wrote The Lion Tracker's Guide to Life He has a property in South Africa called Alose. It was a game preserved. Okay. Yeah. Yes, I, and but his work in that book is basically teaching people to track wild animals, helps them become more in touch with the rhythms of nature. [00:29:29] And by, not by default, but through becoming more in tune with tracking nature, you, your track, like your path. So I think so many of the clients I attract are struggling with anxiety, depression, and burnout. And I think a lot of the confusion and self doubt and, head trash is also rooted in, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. [00:29:54] It's that maybe they don't articulate it like that, but it's experienced that way of just, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. As opposed to, I wanna know what I'm called to do. I wanna know what I'm meant to do or what I want to do. my dog never questions when she's hungry, when she's tired, like she is completely embodied because she doesn't have this giant brain getting in her way of everything. [00:30:19] And I love hearing you talk about the more in tune you are with nature, you are reminded that you are nature too. [00:30:27] Eli: it's it's so important for people to stay connected to nature and it's getting worse. I think it's just part of I. [00:30:35] Part of what I feel is that they're completely pulling us away from it. I think that unhealthy feeling, I remember having it as a growing up. I remember there was many times where I didn't know what I wanted to do. I didn't know, what my calling was but I always just, I remember standing there and just looking around saying, something's wrong. [00:31:00] I don't belong here. [00:31:01] Danielle: that's something's wrong. the language I like to use. with clients is, that's usually what gets people into an appointment with me first. It's when I say it's like your smoke detector's going off. 'cause your smoke detector can't tell the difference between burning toast or bacon and a fire in some part of your house, but it's just beeping 'cause it senses smoke, something's wrong. [00:31:20] And so I think a lot of times getting that emotional awareness or that clarity starts with something's wrong and then you sit with that. But then the discomfort, it's like I think about that story with you and the bull shark the first time it's, I either need to chase it and funnel down with it or I need to run away from it. [00:31:40] And I think that tension is what happens every time we hit a big emotion or a fork in the road or we're at a growth edge, we're about to change. but I think that is the. Following the path of curiosity is almost always what leads you down to some new sense of understanding, about yourself or the world. [00:32:00] I wanna, do you have, of all of the experiences you've led other people through, do you have It could be one, it could be more than one, it might even be with a member of your family, but have you seen, like shifts happen in people that just observed? 'cause I have over the years seen many powerful shifts happen in sessions, but it's such an intimate thing, but where you're out in the wild with someone, are there any moments that stand out to you of just being like, whoa, this person is different, or this person is really having an experience here? [00:32:35] Eli: Yeah. I have this one gentleman who. would do adventures. he would do travel on his own, and then he went on one of our trips a very successful, businessman. and I could see that this was just something he was doing for like, and that's interesting. [00:32:54] [00:32:54] Danielle: on [00:32:54] Eli: That's so interesting. Yeah. He was, he was on the trip And he was there to experience the animal, but it was almost like a science project, it wasn't like it was super into the animal. Like he was intellectualizing it. he was, it was like, it wasn't like [00:33:11] a bucket list. It was like, okay, I'm on this journey of I'm gonna photograph wildlife. Now, I've been photographing these other things and I'm gonna photograph wildlife now. we went out there, he had the experience and it was almost like this. [00:33:25] Yeah. You could feel the shift of just now I get it. oh, I got a goosebump thinking about it. Yeah. it was like now. Okay, okay. You know, it was, it was, [00:33:35] Danielle: it was like his body, like it kicked on. [00:33:38] Eli: Yeah. something inside him came alive [00:33:41] And it was just like more. And it was a completely different, more than when he first started and it was something [00:33:47] Danielle: beside him came alive. That gave me chills. I almost wonder if it's the distinction of when you were describing a sunset, like the difference between driving in your car and you're getting somewhere as the sun happens to be going down and you're doing a million other things versus watching a sunset and taking it in. [00:34:08] So not being just a passive observer, but being a present participant in the moment. [00:34:14] Eli: Yeah. Purposely trying to watch, I'm going to this spot because I want to see the sunset, or I'm gonna, I'm gonna stop to put my phone down and I'm gonna watch the sunset. Even if you take your phone, you know you're watching it through your phone as you wanna record it, because that's what we do now. [00:34:31] just that act alone of purposely trying to do that is significant. It is life changing to sometimes for some people. [00:34:38] Danielle: That's awesome. that was a really good answer. I wanna hear a little bit more. So I was circling back, you were starting to connect how that first dive, you were scuba diving, you saw the bull shark, you were swimming up to the surface, and then you almost started to shift to how that led you down this path. [00:34:57] I wanna go back to that and maybe if I could jump forward a little bit more in your story. You created Shark Diver Magazine in 2003, and you said you had 25 publications and then it really, the business model really shifted to your excursions. I wanna know more about, deciding to launch a magazine that sounds so ambitious, 25. [00:35:21] me trying to put a blog out sometimes feels like a real effort. but 25 publications is no small thing. And then you shifted it to excursions. it's one thing to do something yourself as a hobbyist or as an enthusiast, but you're leading people with all varying degrees of experience. [00:35:40] Some people that wanna be, mermaids and you're leading all types of people from all over the world on these trips and you're dealing with a lot of personalities. I would love to know more about how you made that shift from the magazine into leading your safaris. [00:35:55] Eli: Yeah, it was, so I started the magazine, in 2003. I didn't know anything about publishing. I didn't know anything about photography. I didn't know. Anybody in the business. And I had never really written anything outside of my journals before. [00:36:14] Danielle: So it was just like, I am, I'm so excited by this. [00:36:16] You're like, I am gonna build a rocket ship, but I don't have an engineering degree. I don't understand the mechanics. and I've never flown on a plane, but I'm gonna build a rocket ship. [00:36:25] Eli: what I did. Yeah. So I just, I went all in. I've always had a love affair with magazines as far as, any sport that I was into. [00:36:34] Had a magazine dedicated to it with mountain biking, surfing, rock climbing, scuba diving. but there was nothing dedicated to shark diving. And that's the area that I fell in love with. And I said, here's my, and I really was trying to find. A vehicle. And a way to get into the industry, to make a name for myself, coming from Landlock, Texas. [00:36:54] there was, this was my way in. This was an opportunity. And this is all pre-social media, so it was all from scratch and trying to create this business. And, yeah, we did it for eight years. I published 25 issues and it was a lot of fun. And it was, a lot of laying in bed going, what the hell did I do? [00:37:14] Why did I do this to myself? And, this is crazy. And it was fueled by also, I, the first pub, the first magazine I came out with, a family friend. I overheard him in the distance, say I wonder if it's gonna be around in a year. And that, so I wrote those words down and I put it in my office. [00:37:36] and that, inspired me to make it to the first year it was a, and then after that, I made it to the second and the third. it was just this labor of love. This, chance for me to tell stories, chance for me to share this world with people. [00:37:50] because, when I first started and when I was looking through the books, it really felt like, , a, a club. And it really felt more like a researcher's club more than anything else. It was like, the guys who had access to all these amazing places were usually the scientists, the shark scientists, the shark researchers. [00:38:06] And it really didn't feel like it was open to guys like me. And so this is the world that I wanted to create. I wanted to create a world where it was open to. Sharks were accessible to the world. And that's what I wanted to do with this magazine. and what I wanted to do with my storytelling is invite everybody who was really interested in sharks like myself and help them find places where they could dive with these animals and read stories from fellow people like myself that were not all scientists, we're not all research. [00:38:36] yeah. So that was the idea. That was what I really wanted to do when I started the magazine. And then, trying to get advertisers to be interested in us when we had zero subscribers and no real history, and it was just like, mm-hmm. That was an impossible feat. So I don't know where I came up with the idea. [00:38:54] Somebody either shared that idea with me or I was doing my research. I just decided to try to organize, oh, I know what it was. It was one of my potential sponsors asking me to organize a trip. And that's what started the opportunities is it's a great way to raise money. [00:39:12] If I can get people to travel with us, we can use that money to help publish the magazine. Yeah. And that's what the first trips were. So May I ran our first expedition to North Carolina for Sand Tiger Sharks in May of 2003. So that first year coming out of the box, we, we brought some people and we just started doing that. [00:39:32] So from the first year we organized those trips, and then we just, it just kept going. and it was, and it ended up being the way I funded the magazine for the first eight years. I didn't, after that I really didn't chase sponsors very much because I just didn't like, I'd go to a travel show. [00:39:48] And then we, and. It would be, I would end up being that magazine guy that's just trying to get money from me. Yeah. And I didn't like that feeling at all. So I just said, you know what, I don't need to do this. this is what the trips are about. It's reader sponsored, and I can do whatever I want with a magazine. [00:40:04] I can tell the stories the way I want to tell 'em. and so that's what I did. [00:40:08] Danielle: I think because we've all been sold so many different times through so many different channels, it's like you can feel it when it's coming at you. [00:40:15] And nobody likes that. So it's just so much this is what it is, this is what we're doing, this is what I like. gosh, having come from different sales backgrounds and have family and my husband who's in sales, it's like when a sale happens, you're really just offering information. [00:40:31] It's I don't, my guess is you're not selling people ongoing on your trips, right? People are already interested. You're giving them the information and then that's when they say yes. But you're not going out selling people on doing it. I feel like I'm trying to do that for you. 'cause I just think more people need to do it. [00:40:46] You are very intentionally not doing that. I want to acknowledge the predator myth, I found it really interesting that you were passionate about dispelling the predator myth. I wanna understand that better because obviously we all know how sharks are portrayed. [00:41:01] we've seen all those things. but I think the ocean, deep ocean and what we fear in the ocean, it correlates to emotions, big, uncomfortable feelings. I don't think it's called a therapy myth, but there has to be something terribly wrong to seek that type of help or seek that type of guidance. [00:41:20] and I wanna know more in your world, in your space, what is the predator myth and what do you want people to know? [00:41:28] Eli: Oh, for me its exactly what I was brought up believing about sharks is just that, sharks are mindless monsters and they're just out to get you. [00:41:37] And the moment you step in the ocean, there's gonna be a shark down there. And, I've heard this. My entire life that, oh, I'll never jump off a boat into the ocean because there's just sharks waiting. [00:41:47] Danielle: [00:41:47] Eli: me, and it's completely opposite. I really wish that if I just went out into the ocean, jumped off a boat and there'd be a bunch of sharks there, it's just not the reality. [00:41:58] It takes so much work to find these animals. It takes a lot of effort and usually the people That get lucky and say, oh look, there's a great white under my boat. they're the ones who don't wanna see sharks. the people that wanna see sharks like a great white under their boat, never get to see a great white under their boat. [00:42:15] that's just the way nature works. But, yeah, for me it was more about, trying to help people pass this prejudice, pass this belief system that is ingrained in us, that's actually probably ingrained in our DNA [00:42:27] So it's very much ingrained in all of us from the beginning. And the more I understood sharks, the more I wanted to get rid of that stigma as best I could. Yeah. I started doing a lot of, Talks at schools and helping kids with, sharing, what I know about sharks, and I've through the years, really figured out what works and what doesn't. [00:42:48] And I used to show pictures of sharks and try to get people to dispel their fear with just a picture of shark, but in their mind, it's still a shark. [00:42:57] But when I started sharing videos of myself with a shark in my arms and giving a back rub and rolling them upside down and just, like a shark sticking his face between my knees so I could scratch his back. [00:43:10] and showing these kids these images and showing these kids that, this other side, and you could see it, you see it in the teachers. they're just like, wait. Mm-hmm. Wait, what? Wait, what? It's like you wake them up, you wake up something primal in them and say, wait, that's possible. [00:43:24] Danielle: yes. That you just said it, 'cause I think that you don't have to prove to someone what you're saying is true, but what you're showing them is it's possible. I think it's when you don't believe it's possible, that's when people freeze or shut down or wanna give up or stop. [00:43:39] And it's when we're afraid we want control, we want contracts, we want guarantees, we want promises, we need something ironclad. But, there is no guarantee. But knowing that, there's something possible that's really, yeah. I feel that really deeply. Yeah. you're igniting possibility in people. [00:43:58] It, you also just reminded me too, I love Leopard Sharks. I've never swam with them, but, I love leopard Sharks and I feel like that. That shark more than any other, you see them almost act like little dogs, like just anyone listening, just Google videos of like leopard shark pups. And they swear, they just act like dogs. [00:44:14] So cute down. They're beautiful. What is the, what do you think is the biggest gap in our understanding of not just predators, but marine life, wildlife? what's our biggest gap in understanding? [00:44:29] Eli: I think it's disconnect. like you said earlier, it's, oh, I'm glad somebody out there is doing it. [00:44:34] that kind of thing. It's it's not for me. I got too many things I'm doing in my life, my life is a mess, Lack of empathy for something. and that has to do with disconnect because it's more of, it's talking about the shark, [00:44:46] it's one thing to talk about, it's another thing for people to see it. And, in them, me, roll the tiger. just like open that up in your mind, the fascination in your mind of oh wow, like I didn't even know this was a thing. Or if it's even possible. And that's what I've tried to do [00:45:01] predators and with crocodiles and anacondas and all the other animals that I dive with is just showing the other side of these animals and, their place in the world And how important they are. And it's not just, when we jump in the water with an anaconda and if, people are so surprised to know that it's. [00:45:18] the Anaconda is terrified and all he's trying to do is hide from us. So you're looking at a 18 foot, 20 foot long snake. the moment I jump in the water and he's just like, where do I hide? it's like he's completely terrified of my presence. [00:45:32] [00:45:32] Danielle: the crocodile, those images just, everyone should visit Eli's, social media channels as soon as you, you stop listening to this episode, just go scroll through and look. But the crocodile one, those, late night scrolling, when I see one of those images that stops me in my tracks, and I thought I was pretty open-minded with nature, but man, that, that makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. [00:45:54] That's wild. [00:45:56] Eli: I used to say Crocs of the new Sharks. Okay, sure. I feel that makes sense. So yeah, because for years, right? when I started the magazine in 2003, it was still Steve Irwin. Mm-hmm. The late great Steve Irwin was still diving with Tiger Sharks in a cage. [00:46:11] on his show, he was showing, that diving with them in a cage. so for years they're like,it's impossible to dive with tigers outside of a cage. Then, in The Bahamas and Fiji, they're diving with tigers outside the cage and they're like, you can do it during the day, but you can't do it at night. [00:46:27] So we started diving with tigers at night, and then they're like, you can do that with a tiger, but you can't do it with a great white. Yeah, we're diving outside the cage with great whites. And so, I mean, it was just like, well, you could do it with sharks, but you can't do it with crocodiles. [00:46:39] Danielle: You're right. You're right. It's the same prejudice, just moving into a different face. [00:46:44] Eli: Right. Oh, interesting. The same thing with orcas too. Like you can, when they're like, you can't swim with an orca. we started swimming with orcas and then, you can do it with these, but you can't do it with the pelagic orcas because, they're a lot more aggressive and they eat sea lions. [00:46:56] And so we're diving with those species too. it's just they're always trying to find, and it's usually people who don't swim with these animals that are creating the ideas that people believe, [00:47:07] Danielle: you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So it's like the people that aren't the mechanics or the one trying to pump the brakes. [00:47:12] Um, I, so I saw on your social media just this morning that you said the duck bill platypus is your unicorn. Yes. That was, it wasn't intended to be a question, but I have to ask, why is the Depa plat picture your unicorn [00:47:24] Eli: as a kid? I, that was one of the first most exotic animals I had ever seen. [00:47:31] Danielle: Yeah. [00:47:31] Eli: This book in second grade, that I read about the platypus and it was, the fact that it lays eggs and that it's got a duck bill and it looks like a beaver, but it's not. and it was just a fascination was born in that moment. And it was something that like, I have to see this animal. [00:47:50] Like I just have to, so it's always been, it's been my unicorn. I have, I'm ashamed to say I've never been to Australia. [00:47:57] But as soon as I do, that is like task number one. I gotta see a platypus like this. Okay. [00:48:03] Danielle: that was gonna be my follow up question because I embarrassingly don't know where the poses live. So I was gonna ask you where would one, find one. Okay. So Australia. Perfect. I actually think there's a couple of Australian listeners. I don't know where in Australia. I just see this map and wherever it's highlighted that shows where people have downloaded episodes. [00:48:20] So anyone in Australia don't miss your opportunity to catch a platypus because Eli's gonna come snap some photos. Okay. So we're nearing the end and I'm really excited to lay out the don't cut your own bangs moment with you. 'cause I have a feeling you probably have too many that could just fill up its own episode. [00:48:41] But I would love to know what a don't cut your own bang moment is for you. [00:48:45] Eli: I spent a big part of my youth trying to become a professional bull writer growing up in Texas. What. [00:48:57] Danielle: Okay. Okay. This is good. This is already, this is already one of the top two. Okay. Go on. [00:49:01] Eli: So I wanted to be a world champion bull rider. [00:49:04] I ate, drank, dream, slept, dreamed bull riding. I was in love with the sport. [00:49:09] And it was during, I was working on my pro permit when I cracked my hip at a show and I gave myself three months to heal. And it was during that time, one of my best friends got a scuba diving certification and he was telling me about it. [00:49:25] So I had three months off. So I took the time to get my scuba certification. [00:49:30] Danielle: After I got scuba certified, I went, I just wanna, I just wanna put a brief pause. So your time off was actually you healing a fractured hip. You weren't. Oh, okay. So in your off time with a fractured hip, you got your scuba certification? [00:49:45] Eli: Yes, exactly. Okay. Okay. Cool. Okay, go on, go on. [00:49:51] So it was on that, on that bowl that I, when I cracked my hip, I got, I got scuba certified. I went to Kmel, I saw a shark. I came back from that adventure. I was, I went to my next rodeo and I was behind the chutes. And I fell off my bowl and all I had, I usually would throw a fit. When I would buck off, I would just, so angry at myself. [00:50:15] But off, after that ride, I was behind the chutes and I had Caribbean music, blue water, white sand sharks floating through my mind. I was like, I'm done. I'm going shark diving. And, so not becoming a professional bull rider was the best thing that never happened to me. [00:50:34] Danielle: Oh, that is so, that is good. [00:50:39] And I feel like those, those moments, that perspective is unfortunately earned in hindsight. It's so hard to trust in those moments when you're down with a fractured hip or saying goodbye to an old dream, feeling like you're starting over. That is hard. I mean, in your magazine was that too? But you can even see now in the full expression of what your business is, how learning to tell stories, learning to create a narrative, learning to take images and then not just take images that are clear and focus, but that are also telling a visual story. [00:51:18] And you've passed that on to your daughter who, she's a wildlife photographer in the making. I mean she is and is continuing to be, but it's like all of those steps. But it's, all of those things led to the next thing, but I think it only could have, because you followed the curiosity as opposed to maybe drowning in what you were losing. [00:51:41] You allowed yourself to become curious about where you wanted to go. And I think that's a really remarkable quality. That's a good, that's a great emotionally resilient quality. [00:51:52] Eli: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Well, thanks. I just, uh, yeah. It was, it was, that was a huge chunk of my life that I just I gave up, but it felt right. [00:52:02] It felt right. And it was just like, that's why I think maybe that. Let's see if he's still around in a year. Doing that came from just because I was like, okay, he is gonna be a bull rider now. He is gonna be a shark diver. [00:52:15] Danielle: Yes. my background was on ballroom dance. I taught, before that I did commercial acting. [00:52:20] my plan was to move to la I had a very similar, about face, very big pivot and started teaching ballroom dance. Did that for about seven years. And I just felt that pressure where I'm about to grow outta my shell. I knew it was not this, but I wasn't crystal clear on what that was. [00:52:38] I just knew not this. And so little step by little step, I found my way in grad school and I was, about 11 years older than every other person in that particular class when I decided to switch careers and do what I'm doing now. But yeah, I always appreciate when people can share those moments like that. [00:52:58] 'cause I think what I'm doing is trying to build up a bank of stories that would've comforted those versions of me that was just so terrified about to do something new. . [00:53:08] This was so exciting. Thank you for being here. I'm excited for everybody to, check out your account, look at all your images, sign up for a trip, just take the leap, put a deposit down on an adventure. [00:53:22] Just scroll through. Pick an animal that terrifies you and just say yes to that one. I can't wait for everybody to hear this. Awesome. Thank you so much. [00:53:30] Thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode of Don't Cut Your Own Bangs. I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did recording it, because this in so many ways was a dream come true if you couldn't tell by the episode itself. I wanna leave you with , a quote that I pulled from Eli that was said in the episode, but really is the heart of what this episode is, as well as what I hope to bring to every episode. [00:53:55] When people experience the wild, they understand and when they understand they care If you replace the wild with the self. When people experience the self, they understand and when they understand they care. The more I understand my own emotional landscape, the more equipped and empowered I feel to navigate it. [00:54:22] The more empathetic, the more compassionate, the more connected I feel with the people in my life. The people who I believe have wronged me with my past. I feel more hopeful for my future. That connection to the self, our essential self or nature, the natural world around us is I think what makes us unique in the experience we get to have on this planet. [00:54:47] So if you haven't already decided you're gonna book your adventure, this might be your call. Whether that adventure is outside your window looking at a sunset, [00:54:58] but I want that for you. I want that for me, and I think we all deserve to have that kind of magic. We can make it if we want it. Thank you for tuning in this week. I look forward to catching you next time, and as always, I hope you continue to have a wonderful day. [00:55:11]  

In this solo episode of 'Don't Cut Your Own Bangs,' Danielle Ireland dives into key lessons from her recent therapy sessions, emphasizing the importance of relationships. She explores how the drive to 'win' an argument often results in everyone losing, the power of genuine apologies over hollow ones, and the significance of understanding rather than feigned confusion. Danielle also shares personal insights and practical steps to navigate relationship conflicts with compassion and kindness, while promoting her journaling tool, 'Treasured,' aimed at deepening personal growth and self-awareness.   00:00 Introduction and Purpose of the Solo Cast 01:47 Lessons from Therapy Sessions: Relationship Edition 03:03 Winning or Losing in Arguments 08:30 The Power of Pausing and Reflecting 14:23 Hollow Apologies and True Acknowledgment 18:02 Understanding and the Desire to Change 23:07 Final Thoughts and Encouragement RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE TO “DON'T CUT YOUR OWN BANGS”  Like your favorite recipe or song, the best things in life are shared. When you rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast, your engagement helps me connect  with other listeners just like you. Plus, subscriptions just make life easier for everybody. It's one less thing for you to think about and you can easily keep up to date on everything that's new. So, please rate, review, and subscribe today.    DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below.   Website: https://danielleireland.com/   The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal   Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/   Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW   Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured Transcript Winning Isn't Everything: Lessons from Therapy Sessions [00:00:00] Hello. Hello, this is Danielle Ireland and you are listening to Don't Cut Your Own Bangs Today. I am coming at you with a solo cast. These are so fun for me for many reasons. it's like a living, breathing journal where I can process things that are happening in my life or things that I've learned with clients and therapy sessions or just new aha things or whatever's really exciting for me. [00:00:28] I get an opportunity to put those in a place. I have been having some really juicy, juicy therapy sessions with clients over the last couple weeks, and what I've started to do, There are moments when I'm in a session with a client and I'm taking notes or I'm listening to something they're processing or something will fly outta my mouth, just improvised in the moment and I will think to myself, damn. [00:00:52] That was a tasty dish that was really interesting or that was super poignant, or I get like full body chills and I don't really know exactly what to do with the information, but I wanna put it somewhere. And so what has ended up happening over the years is I'll scribble something on a post-it note or I'll scratch something at the top of the client note to try to revisit later. [00:01:15] Sometimes in previous lives I've written them into blog forms or just brought them up with my husband over dinner thinking this. And actually little sneak peek behind the curtain. That is one of the ways, one of the first ways that the title for wrestling a walrus came to me. [00:01:34] It happened in a therapy session. I'm pretty sure I used it just as a way to iterate whatever the client was processing or experiencing in the moment. I wrote it down and it just stuck with me. And there's lots of moments like that. And so what we're gonna talk about today in this solo cast is lessons from sessions, but the ones that are really focused in on relationships. [00:01:58] So this is the lessons from Sessions, relationship edition, solocast, and. The only thing that's ever shared, in this podcast space is the. [00:02:12] Lessons that are gleaned, the takeaways that we can all find value from in the human experience, not personal anecdotes, addresses, names, identifiable characteristics, nothing like that. The point is not to out anybody at all. One that would be terribly unethical and I would lose my license for it. [00:02:32] But also just on a human level that feels ick. That feels really icky. I think that anybody who's curious about therapy or anyone who is in therapy, but wondered what it would be like in someone else's session. There is this innate curiosity of, is anyone else dealing with this too? [00:02:48] Has anyone else ever thought this also, or what do you do when you face this? That is, I think, a healthy, normal, reasonable curiosity I love that there's a place to share that. So yeah, we're gonna talk about relationships. So winning or losing in the context of relationships, particularly in an argument, if the goal is to win or if, if the goal is to not lose. [00:03:15] Depends on what side you're on. Are you righteous or are you just digging your heels in and being stubborn? if you are fighting to win or doggedly. Preventing the feeling of loss. Somebody always loses, win or lose. Somebody always loses in that type of dynamic. [00:03:33] So what happens when we do a fake apology? A hollow apology. And the last is the phrase I hear a lot. I just don't understand. I just don't understand. So we're gonna talk about each of these, how they play out in relationships, what you might be able to find value from within them, where you may be able to see yourself in them. [00:03:55] And I'll also share where I see myself in these too. though I sit in a therapist chair when I'm actually working with clients. I do my own work. I'm human too, and we're figuring this out together. So let's start with. When it's about winning or losing, you always lose. I think what gets lost in most heated exchanges, if we even peel back before the disagreement itself, there is a momentum. [00:04:26] That leads to disagreements, whether a repeated pattern, a repeated behavior or a fight that we keep having over and over and over again. It's never just isolated in that moment in time, there is a momentum that leads to it. [00:04:43] The issue in the kitchen or the fight in the bedroom, or the feverishly upset text exchange, Thing that we are fighting for is to be heard or to feel validated or for the other person to give us something. Usually something in the context of, you are right, I was wrong. [00:05:03] I see it your way. I will change and I will never do that thing that has led us to this moment that makes you uncomfortable ever, ever again. We're looking for some kind of either validation or a guarantee, and some of that makes sense and some of that is. Just not. and it's hard to know in that moment in time when we are flooded with feelings we're escalating and two people have dug their heels in. [00:05:30] It's sometimes hard to see the woods through the trees, but. What I know to be absolutely true, having worked with couples who are actively fighting in front of me, which is not fun. It's probably my least favorite experience working as a therapist. it really activates my nervous system, but also in my own fights and my own disagreements with my husband. [00:05:52] For example, when I am fighting to prove myself right at his expense, the expense of his experience or his point of view. I will lose because I'm either going to say something hurtful to win or I'm not listening, so I'm not receiving any of the information he's sharing. And also, once I'm that flooded and fighting to get my point of view across, I'm no longer in the environment, and I'm no longer sitting in front of my husband. [00:06:21] I'm sitting across an enemy and I'm a battle. And once that happens, once that mode is activated. That's when our worst qualities, our most destructive behaviors, can rise to the surface, and that erodes trust. it creates the opposite of really looking for, we're looking to be heard, one of the things that can be helpful is to even just catch that you're in it. am I trying to win or am I trying to understand something new? Am I trying to win or am I seeking to be heard? Am I trying to win? Meaning I need to be right. [00:07:04] And because in order for me to be right, they have to be wrong. Now, there are of course times where there maybe is a clear cut right and wrong, but what I'm speaking about in this context is not physical altercations or the extremes that are a little more clearly discerned. It's those. Muddy, messy, icky moments with someone that you actually care about or somebody who has a relationship that's important to you. [00:07:33] 'cause maybe it's not always a spouse or a romantic partner. it could be a friend or could be a family member. It could even be a coworker, but they're not a villain. They're not evil. But that is also sometimes a trick that our mind will play on us when we are fighting so hard to win, is we'll make the other person an enemy and we'll convince ourselves a story about them [00:07:53] Whatever our mode of operating makes sense to us, but what you can do is if you catch yourself in that place, you're like, oh, the warrior, the Warrior's armors on, and I am trying to win. This is, by the way, the hardest thing for me to do. Anytime because whenever there is unease, unrest, discomfort in a relationship, my need to fix or my need to get to a resolution quickly is so strong. [00:08:26] One of the best things you can do is pause the conversation, pause and walk away for a little bit. if like me, you have that hypervigilance that that need for resolution, that need to care take. Or if you are a justice seeking person, you're like, I will fight the good fight. [00:08:46] This is going to be really freaking hard. but I absolutely know. Based on the science, based on what is happening in our brains, what's happening in our nervous system, when we are engaged in an interaction like that, win or lose, you're gonna lose. So the best thing you can do when you catch it, even if it's mid-sentence, is to, and I'll actually do this, I'll do something, I'll do a gesture with my hands. [00:09:13] Like I'll throw up my hands like this, like, woo, I need, I need to stop. Or I'll do a timeout, hand signal. But I'll take a breath. I'll pump the brakes. Literally and metaphorically, I'll pump the brakes on the conversation and I need to pause and take a beat. There's actually a really common thread that I've, clients have told me about and I've actually experienced in my own life. [00:09:38] many times. I'll get off of a heated phone call and I'll hang up, and then a few minutes will go by. something will soften or a new thought will come to me, or I'll have a moment of clarity, or I'll start to feel contrite and maybe a little guilty at something at how I said something or what I said, and I'll actually have a better opportunity to reconnect through sending a text. [00:10:05] Now, I'm not a fan of text fighting or avoiding actual connection through text, but there is this phenomenon of. I have to stop the chain of events. That's un that's gaining momentum that I have. I'm losing control and I'm fighting hard to win. And I press pause and I stop and I breathe and I reflect [00:10:28] And then I'm seeing things in a different way. And then the act of texting. Is not to avoid the deeper connection, but I think there is something to, similar to why I love journaling. I'm thinking about what I'm writing and I'm thinking about what I'm sending. And generally that is either an apology or a more well-formed thought or a clarifying statement or a question that helps reframe. [00:10:56] There is something about step out of the game. If you catch yourself in this like pickleball match of like point, counterpoint, point, counterpoint, point, counterpoint, you're just trying so hard to win. [00:11:08] Step outta the game. So the pause is not abandoning the other person or abandoning the topic altogether, or it's not avoiding it. But I need to get out of this. The rules and the context of this game win or lose. I'm gonna step out. I'm gonna breathe and, you know, you're in a better place to reapproach the conversation when I come back online. [00:11:31] That's the language I use. it's hard to articulate into words 'cause it's a full body experience, The more I am caught in winning or losing or making somebody wrong, my focus becomes really narrow and I only see the examples. I only see the points that prove my perspective. Right? When I step out of the game and I breathe, [00:11:57] I come back to the present moment. from that perspective, I'm able to actually see the context of a broader frame of reference, and that opens up the conversation to better possibilities that are less corrosive and less draining. [00:12:15] So the takeaway from there, if you are fighting to win or lose, you will always lose. There is a better way to do it and my recommendation is to pause, step outta the game, breathe, reframe, and only reenter back into that interaction. When you feel yourself come back online. if you are in a relationship with a partner where you were the one choosing to step away and they. [00:12:40] Have an anxious attachment style or they are maybe more like me in this example where they're like, but they need, they need, they need to resolve. [00:12:47] So letting them know that I'm not walking away from you and I'm not avoiding us coming to. A resolution together, but now is not the time for me and I can't be my best me and do this. So depending on who you are and where you fall in each dynamic, it can be helpful to sometimes tend to that. If you have a partner that is a little bit more anxious attachedIf you've ever wanted to start a journaling practice but didn't know where to start, or if you've been journaling off and on your whole life, but you're like, I wanna take this work deeper, I've got you covered. I've written a journal called Treasured, a Journal for unearthing you. It's broken down into seven key areas of your life, filled with stories, sentence stems, prompts, questions, and exercises. [00:13:28] All rooted in the work that I do with actual clients in my therapy sessions. I have given these examples to clients in sessions as homework, and they come back with insights that allow us to do such incredible work. This is something you can do in the privacy of your own home, whether you're in therapy or not. [00:13:47] It has context, it has guides. And hopefully some safety bumpers to help digging a little deeper feel possible, accessible and safe. You don't have to do this alone. And there's also a guided treasured meditation series that accompanies each section in the journal to help ease you into the processing state. [00:14:06] So my hope is to help guide you into feeling more secure with the most important relationship in your life, the one between you and you. Hop on over to the show notes and grab your copy today. And now back to the episode. [00:14:19] When I am, sorry. Falls flat. Ooh, there is nothing. Well, okay, maybe there are other things. It really bothers me when there is a hollow, like a chocolate Easter bunny empty on the inside. I'm sorry. There are so many ways that repair is done wrong, and I think a lot of what though, these fake or hollow apologies feel rooted in. [00:14:49] It's an apology in sheep's clothing. we want a guarantee. If I just knew the right words, if I just knew the script, if I just said the right thing, then I could hijack all of the awkward, uncomfortable, vulnerable conversations that I don't wanna have. I don't actually have to feel any of the sticky, icky, uncomfortable feelings that. [00:15:10] Are involved in making amends, taking responsibility, because once I know something, I can't unknow it. And if I know something and I can't unknow it, then I might need to change. And change is uncomfortable and change is hard. if I just repeat the script, then I can just skip all that crap and get right to the fun part, which is, you know, avoiding discomfort altogether. [00:15:33] I'm sorry, but, or there's a good rule of thumb that whatever comes after, but is what you really mean. So if you find yourself either hearing or saying, I'm sorry, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm gonna tell you the, I'm sorry you just said was total bullshit and what you actually think and feel and what you mean is what comes after. [00:15:56] But there are so many ways that we say the words, but we don't mean the words. And so sometimes what I recommend to couples is to just swipe it from your vocabulary altogether. Because a lot of the time what we're looking for in place of an apology of atonement is acknowledgement. I see the impact my behavior had on you. [00:16:24] I see the effect that the way that I said what I just said, I can hear it now through your ears because you just shared. Your history, that experience you had when you were young, or you told me about the type of day you just had. I can now hear how that joke I thought was a joke or that comment that kind of came out sideways, or the fact that I'm frustrated and impatient I can now hear in a new way. [00:16:52] I have a new frame of reference. I have a new context because of what you shared, and I really appreciate you telling me that's not an apology, Fuck is that more powerful than so many times where we say, oh, I'm sorry, because I am sorry. Just, I'm sorry. I thought I was just making a joke. [00:17:11] Be discerning about your apologies. And also I think a really important question to ask that I will share with clients all the time. [00:17:24] Does the situation really call for an apology or is what the other person, or what you asking for is. Clarity and confirmation that your feelings matter. That your experience is real. And most of the time that is what we really are looking for. And that is enough Hollow chocolate bunny Apologies. Can Well, they can, they can get out 'cause I'm over 'em. [00:17:54] and I just don't understand. Oh. I just don't understand the faux helplessness, the performed confusion that a lot of us do. This one I find fun because when we are confused. Then we can't really make a choice. [00:18:19] And if we can't really make a choice because we don't really understand something, then guess what else we don't have to do. We don't have to change. And so a lot of times I will be working with a client who is either in a relationship with someone who is conveniently confused or they themselves. Are maybe not ready to know what they're on the cusp of knowing, or they're not ready to acknowledge what they already know. [00:18:46] There's all these different stages of readiness when it comes to making change, because change is hard and it's scary and it's uncomfortable, but this helpless confusion, I just don't understand. This is my favorite follow up question to that, and I empower you to use it. Just be ready for it though, because you can also use it on yourself. [00:19:10] I just don't understand. Do you want to, do you want to? Oof. I love that so much. Do you wanna understand, so just imagine you're having a conversation with you don't understand. Would you like to, because I'm happy to explain why it matters to me, because this is , the beauty and the really challenging part about emotional awareness . once we become aware. We can't unsee. If I don't know, then I'm gonna just keep doing what I've always done. But if I know I'm now presented with a choice that maybe I didn't have before, but now I have a choice and my choice is to either do the same thing pretending I don't know, or I'm gonna do the same thing, knowing full well and still choosing to do the same thing. [00:20:12] But it's a choice. It's not this helpless foe. I'm just lost and confused. I can't possibly be held accountable. Oh, record scratch. You do know now, and it's a real clarifying moment for an individual or for a relationship or for a job. Once I know what I know, I can't unknow it. [00:20:36] Now I'm being called to do something with this knowing, and sometimes that's a scary leap. The example that's actually coming to mind as I'm sharing this is I knew but wasn't ready to know for six months that I was ready to go out on my own and leave the practice. That helped me develop as a therapist and launch out on my own. [00:20:59] I knew for about six months that. I could afford it, that I was capable, that I had all of the resources I needed to make this happen. But I was scared to take the leap because change is hard. The unknown is uncertain and scary, and it's a new environment and new and scary, and it is just all, all the reasons why we may be avoid doing anything that's new. [00:21:24] But I knew and needed to be confused and then reminded and confused, and reminded and confused and reminded until I couldn't ignore what I knew anymore. And then I acted on it. And I think sometimes too , to wash this all with a, a big dose of compassion. I also think that a lot of times that that. [00:21:47] Knowing, not being ready to know, knowing not being ready to know is its own form of preparation. Like maybe what we see on the outside is procrastination is its own form of preparing. Getting ready to be ready, to be ready to change, [00:22:04] wherever you see yourself or your relationship or someone in your life in this process, I hope. That this has been clarifying. I hope you found some value in it or maybe sparked a fun conversation that we can continue to have. I welcome questions. I want your questions and I would love to be able to answer them for you here. [00:22:23] You can always email me at danielle@danielleireland.com. I am the only person who has access to that email, so I'll be the person that receives it. So hit me up with a follow up question. If you want me to expand on a topic or if you have a new one that you're curious about, let me know. [00:22:38] The thing I wanna leave, whether it's about winning or losing, or whether it's about when Hollow chocolate bunny bullshit apologies or being fake confused about something. If there was a way that we could simplify, well, okay, what do you actually do with this? [00:22:55] The first is breathe. The first will always be breathing. Because the breath is what allows all of the important problem solving parts of our brain that kick offline when we're absolutely flooded with emotion or in terror or thrown back to our 8-year-old emotional selves. Breath brings us back. So breathe. [00:23:19] I love doing this next step. I will think of myself or imagine myself as somewhere between like five and eight years old, but I think of little Danielle. [00:23:29] And then whenever I'm in conflict or mentally struggling with or taking issue with anyone, truly any other person, I will then imagine them as little them. So there's little Danielle and there's little them, and it softens me because one, the reality is we go back to an emotional age wherever, whenever we are flooded with emotion, the experience is exceeding our capacity to meet the moment. [00:24:01] And this is not a judgment, it's just a truth that when we get overwhelmed or flooded or have an adult tantrum or lose our temper emotions are seeping out our eyes, right? Whatever the expression is, the emotion of the moment is exceeding our capacity to meet it. Breath helps us kick back online and then remembering, oh, this is little me not knowing how to meet this moment. [00:24:25] And she's doing the best she can do. And then there's also a little version of this other person. Who is likely having the exact same experience in their own way, and it doesn't excuse behavior and it doesn't excuse mine, especially if I step outside the bounds of what's respectful. But to meet the moment with kindness and truth, doing that with compassion, with respect to what's likely happening inside me and likely happening inside the other, just really adds a nice, soft, cozy touch to the whole context. [00:25:00] Don't worry about a goddamn script. I've spent way too much time with clients, particularly in my early years, trying to craft the right thing to say. And I gotta say that those scripts will fail you when you're actually in the moment. Sentence stems can help. And maybe if you need a point of reference to launch into a well-worded email or text, but when you're speaking from the heart, it's gonna be the right thing. [00:25:25] But you won't be able to access that if you're not breathing. Disarm yourself, disarm the other. You're not enemies. You're not fighting. No one is trying to win or lose. And then say what you really feel and mean what you're saying. you'll know that it's the truth when it's also delivered with kindness. [00:25:48] Because what I absolutely believe to be true. A belief being just something you think a lot, and I think this a lot, that the truth can always be delivered with kindness. It doesn't mean it's gonna be comfy, cozy, it doesn't mean it's gonna be easy, and it doesn't mean the other person's going to like it, but it can absolutely is kind. [00:26:07] The truth is kind. So breathe, trust yourself, disarm yourself in the other. And try to do it with as much kindness as you can access. [00:26:20] I wanna hear from you. I wanna know what you think. I want to answer your questions, and I want to grow and get better with you. So before you leave, make sure to check out the show notes, all of the important links for my children's book, wrestling, a Walrus, my journal, treasure, a Journal for unearthing you, my website, all the fun ways you can connect with me. [00:26:40] They are there for you in the show notes. Make sure to check those out and write, review, subscribe to the podcast. Those three things are like the 1, 2, 3 power punch that help this podcast meet other people who can get value from it. The best things in life are shared, so please share and I hope you continue to have a wonderful day. [00:26:59]

Welcome back to 'Don't Cut Your Own Bangs!'    In this lively and heartfelt episode, Danielle Ireland chats with Ashlyn Thompson from the Parent Empowerment Network. Ashlyn shares her journey from growing her nonprofit organization to the emotional rollercoaster of her daughter's complex medical journey.    Get ready to explore how pain can be an unexpected teacher, the magic of community support, and why tapping into creativity can be your secret weapon against anxiety. Filled with laughs, valuable insights, and touching moments, this episode is a treasure trove of wisdom and joy. Tune in and enjoy the ride!   00:00 Introduction and Guest Overview 00:20 Ashlyn Thompson's Journey and Nonprofit Growth 01:10 The Importance of Community and Support 01:37 Embracing Big Feelings and Finding Joy 02:52 Welcoming Ashlyn Back and Discussing Growth 05:44 Navigating Pain and Empowerment 09:51 The Power of Perspective and Decision Making 14:27 Balancing Life and Nonprofit Work 21:21 The Role of Pain as a Teacher 30:48 Finding Comfort in Movement and Nature 33:09 Returning to Basics 33:35 Reflecting on Past Decisions 35:20 The Role of Pain and Fear 38:20 Parent Empowerment Network 44:25 Creativity as a Lifeline 49:21 Embracing Emotions 53:07 Don't Cut Your Own Bangs Moment 01:01:20 Conclusion and Resources   Ashlyn Thompson interview links Ashlyn Thompson, a passionate advocate and storyteller, is co-founder of the Parent Empowerment Network, a nonprofit providing emotional and mental health support to parents navigating pediatric medical complexities. She also co-hosts theEmpowered by Hope podcast, which equips parents with practical tools, resources, and a strong sense of community—delivered with a heavy dose of humor and hope to empower them as their child's best advocate. Ashlyn's fire for advocacy was ignited by her daughter Emery, who was born with bladder exstrophy. After Emery nearly died following a major surgery at just seven weeks old, Ashlyn became a fierce voice for patient safety. Unwilling to accept the limitations of domestic medical care, she discovered a surgical option in the U.K. that wasn't available in the U.S. at the time. In early 2023, Emery became the first American to undergo this procedure—and thanks to Ashlyn's relentless advocacy, that surgery is now available in America. When she's not advocating or recording podcasts, Ashlyn moonlights as a budding driveway chalk artist, chaos coordinator for her spirited family, and an avid nature lover. Chocolate is her daily vitamin, ADHD is her superpower, spiders and small talk are her sworn enemies, and she firmly believes laughter and boldness are two of a parent's greatest tools.   Parent Empowerment Network:  The Parent Empowerment Network exists to support, encourage, and educate parents of children with medical complexities—empowering them with community, knowledge, and confidence to be their child's fiercest advocate. www.ParentEmpowermentNetwork.org Empowered by Hope podcast on all major podcast streaming platforms: https://parentempowermentnetwork.org/podcast/   Social Media:  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/Parent-Empowerment-Network/100083218456295/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/parentempowermentnetwork/   She is Charlotte book by co-founder, Emily Whiting:https://parentempowermentnetwork.org/she-is-charlotte-book/ DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below.   Website: https://danielleireland.com/   The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal   Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/   Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW   Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” is about creating a community around, and familiarity with, the messy middle—that uncertain and often chaotic and uncomfortable time in the middle of a process or journey. The messy middle is replete with ambiguity and challenges, but it's also where the hard and rewarding work happens.   Transcript [00:00:00] Danielle: Hello. Hello, this is Danielle Ireland and you are watching or listening to Don't Cut Your Own Bangs. I am so excited to be back in the interview seat. We've done some solo cast. It's been a blast. But Ashlyn Thompson is here with me today, and we just wrapped an incredible conversation. Ashlyn came on as a guest to talk about her work with Charlotte's Hope Foundation a couple of years ago. [00:00:26] She was about ready to embark right in the interview we were, she was. Days away from embarking on a trip to the UK for her daughter having a surgery with the only surgeon in the world who performed the specific type of surgery that her daughter needed. Her daughter's made a full recovery. It's a beautiful story we're gonna get into in this episode, but what I'm truly, if you could imagine even beyond that beautiful story, what I'm so excited to introduce to you and to that I was so grateful to witness and learn from. [00:00:53] Is that Ashlyn has grown her nonprofit organization, not no money in organization, but yes, a nonprofit organization that at the time, two years ago when we last checked in with her, was called Charlotte's Hope Foundation. It has grown. It's expanded, and it's evolved, and it's now the Parent Empowerment Network. [00:01:10] She and her co-founder also have a podcast for that same work, and what I love about the work that they do. They create community connection space and resources for parents and families raising children or any provider helping a child navigate medical complexities. And that sounds like such a hard and heavy and challenging topic. [00:01:33] And it is. But what Ashlyn embodies is. The work that I really wanted to bring to this season and this new phase of don't cut your own bangs, which I want big feelings to feel less scary. I want approaching them to feel possible. And then with that in mind, wherever possible, as much as possible, finding lightness, levity, and joy. [00:01:54] However we can do it. And I'm telling you, in this episode we did that. We accomplished that. We talk about important things, we talk about heavy things, and Ashland is vulnerable in a way that is inviting. But also something we can all learn from. And through the specificity of her life experience and what she's learned, there are universal nuggets that we can all find value in. [00:02:17] I know I did, and this was such a beautiful place to share, and we laughed. We had joy, we smiled . I hope that this topic invites you and encourages you to lean in and tune in because there are so many great nuggets of this. Thank you for being here, and I can't wait for you to sit back, relax, and enjoy. [00:02:38] Ashlyn Thompson [00:02:39] Hi. Yes, I know. Big jumps for both of us. I know. I feel like we're, it does feel like a lifetime ago. It I mean, in many ways it is. It's like we're, I mean, I'm still, me and all the key players are still playing. Right. But it does feel like a different life in a way. And I, with that in mind, I just wanna officially welcome you back. [00:02:55] Yes. Welcome. Ashlyn Thompson. Oh, thank. Don't cut your own bangs. I am so excited that you're here for many reasons, but the thing I'm most excited about is I think that. Building something or starting something creates a certain amount of effort and energy. Sustaining something, growing with it, breathing new life into it, that's a different part of a different element of a creative process. [00:03:17] And that's something I think specifically I'm really excited to talk to you about because you're parent Empowerment Network, which has it, it exists to support, encourage and educate parents and caregivers of children with medical complexities. And that was, it already was in existence when we, right, when we recorded the first time. [00:03:34] But it has grown. Grown. I went to a gala, people, she's throwing a gala fundraiser for her for her network. And so, I mean, I wanna hear about all the twists and all the developments of that, but more specifically the context I wanna provide for us and for this conversation. The thing that I'm really excited about, , and why I feel really passionate about bringing this to video. [00:03:57] Is that I want to help make big feelings feel less scary. Yeah. And I want to make, approaching them feel possible. And then with that in mind as much and as often as possible, laugh as much as possible. Amen. And so, right? So like, you are swimming in the trenches with people and even in your own life with people who are holding and making space for heavy things. [00:04:23] Yes. And yet there is a bright smile on your face. There's a twinkle in your eye. You laugh and you smile. And I wanna, and I don't know how to articulate what that is, but I want to, I wanna, that's something I wanna make space for in this conversation too. So it's important and it's big and it's emotional for sure, but also like, let's allow levity too. [00:04:42] Absolutely. I am so excited to be continuing our conversation, and I'm also really happy to know that. The person who's sitting here with you today is very much a different person from two years ago. And I feel like I have gone through multiple versions of myself just in the past two years. And that's one of the things that I truly celebrate about, not just the journey of parent empowerment network, but I think just growing and evolving as a human spirit, experiencing this life is recognizing that I say this phrase to only certain people, but I act, I feel compelled to share it now. [00:05:26] I feel like I have died a thousand times. And greeted so many versions of myself. But every time I rise into that extroversion and realize who I am, I like that person more and more. And. I feel like one of my greatest accomplishments just this past year has been truly settling into a, knowing a deep belief that life is meant to grow through, not go through. [00:05:58] And that change, that pivot of how I see the next big thing that comes up has been such a grounding force for me and has really helped me feel like I'm actually sitting in the driver's seat of my car. I don't know what I'm going to pass as I'm on this highway. In life. And sometimes life yanks me off on an exit I didn't plan. [00:06:23] And those exit ramps are typically the next lesson. But I'm grateful to be at a point where I can now see the next really hard thing emerging and not wanna hit reverse. Wow. Wow. Not that I like it all the time. No, God. But I can appreciate that this isn't out to crush me. This isn't here to take me down like I used to feel. [00:06:53] , Wow. There's a lot to unpack there for. Thank you so much for sharing that, but also not going in reverse. I wanna make a mental note, not going in reverse. The next version of me, I like better, and this is not here to crush me. Right. The, there's something, I got chills. I got full body chills when you, the la with the last thing that you said, because when I'm working with clients, there is this element and this is something. [00:07:18] I promise I'll come back to that original point there. There's an element of the work that I do where, and I'm sure you get this in your own way too, with like hearing stories from families who are holding really hard and heavy things. I think when I meet people for the first time, a common response is, wow, I don't know how you do what you do, or I don't know how you listen to that all day. [00:07:36] Or Oh man, and I think, yes, sure. There, there are certainly days and clients or moments where those stories are making space for people's big, heavy, painful experiences. Right. Is can be a lot at times. Far less anymore. But I think more than anything the va like, I feel so lucky to have the experience a hundred maybe even thousands of times over hurt people's pain. [00:08:03] And I know what pain sounds like. Yes. And there are different types and one thing that I absolutely believe to be true is that our pain is not personal. Our story is personal, right? But pain is not personal. And the events of our life, even things that happen to us, it's, there's it's almost shifting out of a, and I hope I can say this within the context that, that is heard with love. [00:08:27] But shifting out of a victim mentality right into it. Because being victimized or being stricken with grief or holding something hard like that is absolutely real. And also knowing that this is happening to me, but this is not gosh, what are the words I'm trying to find. It, what I'm hearing is you recognize how hard this is. [00:08:51] Whatever that insert blank. I recognize how hard this is, and I'm not going to make this pain so precious that I don't also see it as temporary. Yes, exactly. But there's something, so I think there's something really powerful and there's so much nuance to that because I certainly don't want to, people can be victimized, but the victim mentality is one of, in my professional experience it's one of the more challenging headspace to, for someone to walk out of. [00:09:21] Agree. It's really hard. Exactly. It shrinks your world. So, so much. That's well said. And we experience that very often. We really fo I mean we say all the time, you know, we are non diagnosis specific, non prognosis specific with the families that we work with, and we focus on the parents or the parent role, which could be performed by a sibling, a grandparent, a friend, an adopt, a lot of different people, but. [00:09:51] What we really found early in our journey and what helped us evolve into parent empowerment network was that recognition that, like you pointed out, pain is not it's not customized to your experience. The feeling, the emotional and physical experience relationship with pain is common through all of us, and it actually is a way that we can connect with each other when we recognize that. [00:10:18] When we stop comparing one another's pains. Now, don't get me wrong, if your kid got a bump on the head versus your kid needs a, you know, brain surgery. Right. Those are different. Yes. Very different. Yes. But most of the time we're not dealing with that. And what we have found is that when somebody is in that victim mentality, which is understandable, I think that's a, very important aspect to acknowledge when you're feeling like a victim, why is this happening to me? Or why is this happening to my child? Because I'll be the first to say, it's never okay when your child is hurting or sick or in harm's way or worse. I will never be okay with it. But when we say stuck in a victim mentality, our ability to problem solve goes from about here to here. [00:11:08] Yeah. And then your child is really the one who suffers. And I hate, it's a hard truth. But we have to face that truth because when we can help a parent start to find glimmers of hope, start to see that there's a way to build on quality of life rather than cure. Then you start to see this new version emerge where they are truly, you know, empowered advocates for their child. [00:11:45] There's something that I heard in what you said too, that a lot of times when I'm working with clients who are maybe knee deep in anxiety or depression, for example. I think why can be a powerful question, but I think a misplaced why is a really exactly damaging question. Like, why me? Why them? [00:12:02] Why this, why now? Because those are questions you can't answer that only lead to a defeating answer. Exactly. And usually another question or shame, but what I'm hearing a lot in when you. When you can kind of broaden your focus and sort of release that constriction from why you then can open yourself up to a different type of question. [00:12:23] How can I, exactly. How can I get through today? How can I get through this moment? What is needed most of me now? What do I need now? Right. And those types of the what and the how. Who do I need to show up for? Is it me? Right. Is it them? Who do I need to ask for help? Who has information that I need? [00:12:43] Those types of questions don't eliminate the pain, but it broadens the scope Yes. Of, of your field of vision. And I know that though, like, 'cause you are here in many ways. Oh, I hope it's okay to use this term. But I hope that you're here as an expert and you're also the executive Hope director of of the power impairment network. [00:13:05] And I think a lot of times. What we would imagine as the worst possible case scenario. Like the worst thing we could imagine would be something happening to our kids. This has been your lived experience. This has been your business partner's lived experience. And for, even though you have a podcast as well, where you really create a space and content and a community that helps people with that very specific set of circumstances, that Right. [00:13:33] I would imagine it's like. The best and worst club to be a part of. So we always say, we're so sorry you're in this club. Yes. But we're so glad you found us. Yes. Like it's the yes, we're really sorry, but at the same time, like, welcome home, welcome. And so I think a lot of the, a lot of the people who tune in to don't cut your own bang, I don't know how many would have this specific life experience. [00:13:57] Right. And if you do, oh my gosh, what a gorgeous resource you have in Ashlyn. Oh, thank you. And the Parent empowerment network and their podcast. But I do think that even in something like this, in within the specificity of everything you're saying, there is such a broad truth that I think we can all access and find value in. [00:14:16] And, yeah. So just thank you for all of that. And I want to, okay. I wanna shift a little bit to the growth of the parent Empowerment network. Right. Because, so when I originally started this podcast, what I was, what I really motivated me, one was I was terrified of becoming a therapist and having worked as a creative, and I just wanted to surround myself with other people who, who were building things, right? So that I could sort of sneak in my own needy questions. Like, how did you do it? How did you figure it out? What happened when you were scared? Like, what happened when your computer crashed? Oh my gosh. And you went from newly building something to, you have really grown. [00:14:53] Yes. You have really grown. And I wanna know having experienced the, you know, the gala that Right. That you that you threw that was so lovely. I wanna know . What led to the growth over the last two years? Because you're still momming, you're still life. Yeah. Your daughter is still being you. [00:15:08] I mean, like your life is still life and Yes. Life is still lifeing. How, in the midst of your lifeing, how have you also continued to grow this? And I really wanna know like what fueled your fire. And just tell me more about that story please. Yes, absolutely. So at the beginning of this, you know, when we started talking, you were very talking about how I'm sitting here smiling and I mean, I am fully, I am genuinely full of joy in this moment. [00:15:35] And I think I know actually that comes from being in something like we have with Parent Empowerment Network, which has been truly its own huge like business, right? We are called a nonprofit, but let me tell you, I mean, it is straight up business. [00:15:57] Is what it is in a lot of ways, and. That's the worst possible name for a tax category. It totally is. Because it's so confusing. Nonprofit doesn't mean no money. Right. Exactly. It's so confusing. We do not exist for free. Is great an idea as that sounds. I want that to be the slogan for every nonprofit. [00:16:16] I just, 'cause we don't exist for free. Right. You know the whole, you get what you pay for. It's, yeah. That's a whole other conversation. We're not gonna spend too much time there today. We should have a part two then. There we go. I'm okay with that. All right. So for that, what I think the biggest lesson that has. [00:16:33] Emerged from this journey just since we were, you know, you and I were talking a couple years ago when we were actually still called Charlotte's Hope Foundation. Yes. Which was our initial name. Yes. Because we had an idea for something that was this big at the beginning. And the name Charlotte's Hope Foundation fit that in theory. [00:16:52] But the thing I'm most proud of my, of Emily Whiting, who's my co-founder, fellow mom, fellow sister, fellow savior, at times the best thing we have done is allowed ourselves permission to grow and shrink as needed. And that's what we've done throughout this journey. It has not been a step process. [00:17:15] There have been countless times where we have grown two or three steps, been bigger, you know, working with international teams of surgeons, pulling together collaborations that have never been done, and then. There have been times where we have pulled back and we haven't released an episode for six weeks. [00:17:33] We have had maybe two or three social posts because our lives were on fire or just demanded all our attention, but it didn't mean we had to stop. I need to, oh my gosh. I don't know how many of you listening or watching can relate to that. I, there is a relationship I have with the expansion and contraction of output where if I'm not putting something out, producing something, making something that it really does a number on my sense of self worth. Right. And self esteem. And that is something that I'm still actively healing and repairing, because I definitely know the facts. I know. The really bumper stickery, self helpy sounding talk. [00:18:26] And I believe it. It's not that I, I don't hear it and think like, yeah. Right. It's just that there's a more practiced version of me, right. That has just had more at bats operating in a certain way. And then life in many ways rewards you for that. In theory. In theory. And I don't mean the like the laurels, like you get the the kudos pat on the back accolades but there is a cost, right? [00:18:47] There is a cost. And I think, in the I this past year I wrote a children's book called Wrestling a Walrus. And this the act of writing this book was something that I didn't realize that in the contraction, or even like in the I love the visual of the caterpillar becoming the butterfly. [00:19:09] 'Cause there's a two week process where the caterpillar is literally, we talk about the messy middle in this podcast and think, thank you Brene Brown, wherever you are for creating language and context for us for this very conversation. 'cause so much of this is inspired by that, but that gooey, mushy middle where it's not a butterfly, it's literally goo and it's Exactly, and it, and, but in that place, there is magic happening there. [00:19:33] Even if it, even though it looks like a pile of shit, right. Like, it's, there's magic happening there. I'll say the impetus or the inspiration, the. It was tough moments with my daughter, moments where I didn't feel like I was doing anything. Right. It like hitting the wrecking ball of, you know, being a parent of a toddler and a parent of an infant like that was, there's not enough grace in any space to help you go through that without serious, you know, support. [00:20:02] There were, I had some victim mentality at that point in time, even, and all things can be true at once. But all of that was what I experienced before I had the idea to write the book. And had I not had that experience, I wouldn't have been able to do that. Exactly. I don't think it would've been the same. [00:20:16] And [00:20:16] , and I promise this whole podcast isn't an ad for the book, but like, I really believe in this damn book and I love it so much. And I love that you talk about that expansion and contraction for yourself. And that you doesn't, it doesn't mean you have to stop. 'cause I think a big reason why I maybe avoided picking up the torch again and doing this podcast like I left it for so long, or I abandoned it for so long, or can I still do it right? [00:20:41] Like all of that stuff. And then yeah it. Yeah. Doubt doesn't mean you're done. No. And taking a pause doesn't mean you're stopping forever. But yeah. I mean, you can't just exhale forever. You can't just output like you eventually have to breathe in. Exactly. And that relationship is very necessary. [00:21:00] And so, I mean, everything you're saying is exactly what I need. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome. And it, that lesson doesn't come easily. Nope. But I think another element of that, you know, building off of what you were just talking about, pain and discomfort and naturally shying away from it. [00:21:21] I challenge anybody in life to just take a moment to consider pain as a potential teacher, as a professor, rather than pain as an enemy, or pain as a destroyer. Right. If you ask yourself. Why does this feel painful? Because how many times do we all experience in our life something that really gets under our skin, but whether it's a spouse or it's a friend or a coworker and they seem totally unfazed by it, [00:21:56] and that used to be something that bothered me. I was kinda like what's, am I ever sensitive? Or like, what is my thing? And I grew up always hearing, not necessarily even from my parents, but I feel like. Teacher schools and saved by the bell commercials about find what you love in life and you'll never work a day in your life. [00:22:16] And that was great in theory, but I'm a very eclectic person. Yep. I love a lot. And all I was getting was a lot of burnout. That's also like saying like, love your kids and you'll never have a hard day with them in your life. You're like, no bs. No. I love my kids. But like, you know, oh my gosh, kids are the greatest, hardest thing of life. [00:22:33] Right. Right. But I think the same is true. Like , I never stopped loving this. Right. But I don't always have control over the life around. Right. But it's a, I think allowing things to be a part of you, not all of you, is really important. Yeah. And I think it's so easy to define ourselves by that output. [00:22:53] For me and Emily, the word is often it's impact. Are we actually making an impact? And the thing that helped us. Become okay with hitting the pause button when we needed to, and not officially throwing in the towel. Don't get me wrong, there were conversations about it, but we were always very honest with each other and we held each other accountable that if you are feeling like this is not jiving with your life, if it's not jiving with you personally, or it's not good for your family at this moment, let's hit the pause button and talk about it. [00:23:26] But realizing that if we only help each other while working on this, Emily and I, that's helping our kids, that's helping our families. And there's a domino effect from that goes from that. And if that's all we ever do, what's bad about that? You said something that I, it still stuck with me and it will probably be the title of this episode. [00:23:49] Pain is a Professor. Yes, it is. And I wanna go back to that because something that I talk about in my sessions a lot is that your emotions never lie to you. Now your thoughts are very different. Yes. Your thoughts can go a, now granted, we need to think critical thinking is important. [00:24:04] We probably need more critical thinking, but thoughts happen to us all day, every day, constantly. Right. I don't remember what the statistic is. I think we have roughly like eight thoughts a minute, something like that. I'm surprised it's not . Maybe that's just a DH adhd. And that could be too, like, yeah, there, maybe there's a spectrum. [00:24:18] Maybe it's eight to 80 thoughts a minute. Give or take. Give or take a hundred. But so thoughts happen to us now. We can certainly consciously choose what to focus on and what we think. But thinking happens, the emotions are in response to what we're thinking and believing. Exactly. And they never lie. [00:24:35] Right. And I But something you said like pain as a professor. And I like the thought that emotions are energy in motion. Yes. And they always have something for you to learn. There's something for every emotion. There is something it wants you to know. Right. And when you're not feeling good are we have more pain receptors in our body, unfortunately. [00:24:55] We have more pain receptors in our body than we do pleasure receptors. Like, and so when pain is activated, it just has a firmer grip. There's something that Martha Beck talks about that I love. It's called the, I think she calls it the Viper in the box of puppies. So if you were to imagine like, and enough said, right. [00:25:10] Done. You get it. But you hand, if I handed you a box full of like 15 adorable, gorgeous little puppies, I mean, it's, they're the most abundant, silly, loving, fuzzy source of love, safety, pleasure. I could really go for that right now. I mean, would it, that should be a, I'm hoping there's one hiding around somewhere. [00:25:28] We have a surprise for you, but if I were to then put a Viper in or a cobra in your box of puppies. All you're gonna see is the threat. Exactly. All you're gonna see is the threat. And I think in life, it's like we pop mo most of us more often than not, are probably living in lives with a lot of puppies. [00:25:48] But the viper, the threat is what consumes Oh yeah. So much energy and attention and shifting your focus from one to the other is easier said than done. And I wanna talk to you specifically about how you have found meaning or, and I, when I say success, I don't mean it in like a bullet point sense, but right. [00:26:12] Where you have found access to, you know, the viper, you know, or the cobra, you know, the box of puppies. Right. How you access that. I can certainly share how I have, but my emotions, I. I've learned in time. I don't always know exactly what they're telling me in the beginning, but I trust them enough to know that it's something. [00:26:36] And so the first place I try to access, if I'm not dissociating or avoiding, is to sit with it. Yeah. So usually it's like, I'm I'll just dissociate in my fantasy book or rewatching parks and recreation for the MPH teeth bajillion time. You know, it's just always a Sure bet. Yeah. It's just, it's hard for, life can only be so hard with Leslie Nope and little Sebastian, you know? [00:26:57] So anyway. But I wanna know where you find yourself in that shift. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got my head's like turning, I'm also still picturing puppies to be honest. That's okay. So I actually, I feel like I wanna give an example of something that I experienced last year, so two years ago. [00:27:11] It's crazy to think two years ago I went on this crazy journey to England. I went to London to take my daughter, who was not quite two years old yet to have a surgery over there for her ultra rare condition that was not available in the States. And I had talked to everybody in the States, of course, that had any knowledge about it and all they could tell me was, we don't really know anything about it. [00:27:35] We don't do it here. Kind of you're on your own, go for it. Or don't, we can't say that we would support you. All that matters is I went for it. And fortunately it did end up being the right decision, but I also knew that it could not be the right decision. And what I found on that experience was that I was originally desperate for picking the right way in life to move forward, that I could not make a decision. [00:28:06] I could not possibly move forward unless I was a hundred percent sure. But guess what? Life isn't real big on giving you a guarantee. Yeah. Guarantees with anything. And I think where I, that's where I started to learn that I don't have to have the answers to move forward. I can be looking at that box and I can see, oh my gosh, this could go terribly wrong. [00:28:34] But I think living with a hopeful mindset is something that allows me to keep my eye on that viper and then still interact with the puppies over here. My eye is still trained on it, but what I found is a peace in making my decision. And it was a, that feeling, that gut feeling. You know, it, I, it doesn't matter what you've gone through in life. [00:28:58] I can't believe that there's anybody out there who hasn't just had that. I call it just that knowing in your gut, it's a physical experience and that is something. That has helped me move forward in life. Because here's the thing, guys, nobody can ever stay truly still. And that's where a lot of our pain and discomfort comes from, is fighting moving forward without certainty. [00:29:23] Oh, let's pause right there. Oh my gosh. So there's something that Dr. Becky Kennedy who she has the good, she wrote the book Good Inside, and she's got her own beautiful podcast and work and content. She does. She really she focuses on kids, but she's really working on parents relationship with their inner child and by extension their parenting. [00:29:43] But she talks about something called, I've called it the Gap, but she calls it the learning space. So with kids, most of their frustration, tension and meltdowns happen between meeting a moment or. A moment arising and knowing how to meet the moment. And that learning space is usually the gap in knowing or understanding of this is what's arisen and I don't know how to meet this moment. [00:30:04] Right? And then if their context or their ability to meet it, if the moment exceeds their ability that's usually when there's a lot of pain or big feelings. Right. And I think with adults, that's usually where I see self-doubt, rumination anxiety, self-destructive tendencies. [00:30:23] Come in and you're right. You're, I love that you said we're never really still, I mean, one that's just true based on science and physics. We're never still that's actually one of the, like, there's like two necessary components, maybe three to being a living, being or a living entity. [00:30:36] I think, what is it? Movement, cell division, reproduction, and, I don't know, something else. Hey, anyone here pop off in the comments if you're a science boss, please gold star for you. Please. But but yeah, we're never truly still. And so even when you feel stagnant and stuck and even hearing you say that I'm actually processing in real time, one of the things that I have done that I, I discovered by accident, but probably because my body knew better than my mind did. [00:31:04] I would, it often does. I would take my feelings on walks. I would, I talked about that movement is essential if you are literally feeling stuck. I tell, that's what I tell everybody. Anytime they're spiraling. Which it's understandable. Go for a walk. Even if it is five minutes, walk up and down your stairs. [00:31:22] Or at the least one of my favorite things thank you Instagram reels for sucking up so much of my life at times in the hospital, but sometimes, but it's, sometimes it's, it is the perfect escape. It's okay to let the pressure off of ourselves. But there was this one that I saw it was this therapist who was like in her seventies and she was in Ireland and she's walking around in like this, you know, the quintessential Ireland landscape. [00:31:47] And she said, I tell all of my clients when you have a problem or a worry or something that's making you feel like you need to hurry, walk outside where you can see the sky and look up. Because the moment you remove a ceiling from your view, from your your line of sight, your mind opens with it. [00:32:08] And possibilities grow. And I have experienced that so often. And you think about it where you, when you're in a confined space. It only adds to those feelings of I'm stuck or I'm out of options, or I can't deal with this. But when you go outside and the world is just showing you how big it is and how small you are, there's actually a ton of comfort in that. [00:32:35] There's, I've also read and heard that there's something about the way that our eyes sort of gently move and follow and track side to side. Yeah. The movement around us that activates a similar calming sensation that our body experiences in REM sleep. Because if you're tracking a bird or tracking a squirrel, or just simply seeing like the trees and movement, track your kids. [00:32:55] Right. That'll keep you, your eyes all over the place. Girl. But like, 'cause right now we're facing a computer screen and we're in, we're under lights. Like, it's a very I mean, it's a lovely container, but it's a sterile container by comparison of being outside. And I Right. I do think that sometimes, like, like Lifeing. [00:33:11] It can be hard, and I never wanna oversimplify holding the challenges and moving through the challenges. Right. And yet I think sometimes when something feels overly, when something feels complex and impossible, it's almo. I, my instinct is to abandon the basics. And that is always the place to start. [00:33:32] That's always the place to start, is to go back to the basics. [00:33:35] Knowing what you know now what. Do you think the version of you, I wrote down three years ago, but I wanna go back to two years ago bef, like as you were navigating all the travel plans and the decision to go to the UK for your daughter's surgery, what do you think that version of Ashlyn needed to hear or needed to know? [00:33:55] And then the follow up question to that, after you answers, do you think she would've believed you? [00:33:59] It's really funny that you're asking this question because I actually had a conversation yesterday with a neighbor's daughter who is a film student, and this question has actually been going through my mind a lot lately about, I wonder where my life would be if I'd known this in my early thirties, if I'd known, or if I had known this in my twenties. [00:34:23] And I kept kind of going backwards like, I didn't know this then. Oh maybe if I'd known this. And I kept just, like I said, looking back and then what I realized is. It's so important that I didn't know those things because I had to experience them with the challenges. I had to climb the mountains for the first time to really understand the importance of gaining those skills for myself. So I actually think that Ashlyn, a couple years ago, I may have wanted to hear, I, what I wanted to hear was, you're making the right decision. I wanted to be validated by doctors, by people who I typically refer to as the ones who have the alphabet after their name. [00:35:06] Can somebody please just tell me, check, you know, you're making the right choice. Or this is what I would do if it were my child. And I wanted it so desperately that I, it did almost prevent me from going. But I am blessed that because of other experiences before that, right where pain had started to evolve into a guide for my life, a way of understanding what is most important to me. [00:35:37] It clarifies a lot. Exactly. Because often, you know, pain and fear are often about things we can't control, right? And what it showed me was that I don't need guaranteed outcomes to be able to sleep at night. I know that if I don't give it everything, including the kitchen sink, I won't be able to sleep at night. [00:36:03] I won't be able to look at Emery when she's an adult and tell her. We tried absolutely everything we could to give you the best quality of life, and that's what I needed to be able to give her. In order for me to feel good about the mom I am. And that's what was most important to me at that time. [00:36:23] So it sounds like maybe you trust in your ability to meet the moment enough that you don't think you would've gone back and told yourself anything? No, I think, and that's something that, like I said, I'd been thinking about a lot, like how many times if I'd only known this, if I if I'd only held my boundaries or if, or you know, these standards or, you know, all the things I could have done differently. [00:36:48] But as I said at the beginning of this, I feel like I have lived a thousand lives and become. A thousand new versions of myself, but you don't become your next self without going through something that carves away at you to reveal it. We don't grow through the easy no we stay stagnant. And besides small talk, my biggest fear in life is staying stagnant. [00:37:20] God, can we just let go of small talk? Oh my gosh. We all have a weather app and we all know the traffic patterns at this point. Like, do you know what's so funny about the weather app? I'm gonna use it every day. I treat my husband like the weather app, and we have an Alexa, like in, literally, like, I'll ask him what the temperature is and he'll be like. [00:37:41] Alexa. I just, oh my goodness. It's like those basic the basic like things of moving through life. I don't know why. It's like I've, I have this like faux that's of publicist. I'm like, I don't know what I'm, so what's the weather? I can't look out the window. I can't ask my own Alexa. [00:37:56] I always think, I think it's, I think it's more like, I think it's fair to acknowledge those as high. There's higher priorities that take up front of mind space. That's right. That's right. Things' so focused on the big things. Right? Yes. It's okay. We're not meant to like, you know, and I think that's another, that's one point I feel really compelled to bring up in this conversation based on all these things we've talked about, you know? [00:38:20] Yes. thank you for the chance to share what Parent Empowerment Network does, and the Empowered By Hope podcast is about addressing the real hard, the messy like, because as far as we're concerned, like once you get the news, your child is not okay. You're living in the messy middle from there on out. [00:38:36] And it can make you, or it can break you. And we're there to tell everybody, we promise this will make you. Even with worst case scenario, and that's a bold statement, but, you know, but it's one you've lived and I exactly. And I've seen countless others live, right? But I think it's so important that everybody, you know, I guess my dream would be if everybody could just realize we are not meant to carry pain and hardship and struggle by ourselves. [00:39:07] That's really what Parent Empowerment Network does. That's really what our podcast does, is it directly says to everybody who gets a chance to interact with us or who we have the honor to meet with. It just says, Hey, you are not expected to hold this alone. You know, put some of that on our plate. [00:39:24] Let's hold it together because it'll be better for everybody. It's not just you is like, again, that's what frees you from a victim mentality. You are not the only one who's ever experienced this. Right. You are not the only one who has suffered this way. And in by no means it's not to minimize. [00:39:40] Right. Exactly. It's not belittling it, it's not, it's definitely not dismissing it. But it's meant to serve as a lighthouse. Right. Our stories are unique. Yes, of course. And so that's, and I think that's what is endlessly, I will never be bored having an in-depth. Not small talk with the love of God, but like, I will never I will be endlessly fascinated by other people. [00:40:01] Because the stories are unique. Yeah. But there is a common thread that we can all see ourselves in or relate to. That, it's so enriching. Yeah. It's almost like, maybe because it's spring and, but I'm thinking it's like the pain is like the compost. Yeah. Something has to die in rotten decay in order to nurture something new. To grow. Yep. Exactly. And I, and that pain serves as fur. It's fertilizing the new, the next round of growth. Right. Yeah. It's not making anything vanish or destroying it, it's just, but it has to break down to build back up. I think that's why mosaics are my favorite type of art. [00:40:39] Yeah. I have such a strong connection to any piece that I see that's made up of a mosaic. And I remember that coming true for me when my dad had his massive stroke and. You know, he was completely debilitated, couldn't speak for himself, couldn't move his own body. He lived like that almost two years. But I remember getting really close to a couple key therapists in his life. [00:41:04] And I remember just after he passed, I got them both a small gift. It was these little mosaic art pieces for them. And I said, when I saw those, I knew that this was the right thing because you didn't see my dad as a destroyed person. You saw him as for the broken pieces. He was that to be put back, to be put together into something that was new and beautiful on its own. [00:41:33] And that's what I feel like pain has the ability to do for all of us. It's okay. And I to acknowledge that you are broken. But it's also just as important to acknowledge that you can be remade into something. You, the old you is gone. You know, when we go through something awful hard, unimaginable it's really easy to think that I will feel this way forever. There is a finality that we attach to painful experiences and it takes often somebody from the outside to gently help us realize that's not reality. I often, when I'm in that transition and I'm not aware or I'm just not ready to admit there are either, there's usually it's I there's usually things I wanna carry along with me. [00:42:28] Yep. It's like. Like an old dingy snugly blanket or like a stuffed animal that like has like holes worn in and like an eyes popped off. It's just but I when I've gone through those transitions, it's saying goodbye to maybe friendships that aren't serving me. [00:42:42] Yep. Or titles, roles levels of output expectations, stories, ways of being and the way, and to go back to pain as a professor, which is going to be the title. That it's only when I try to take the old way of being or the old relationship that is no longer serving into my new now reality. [00:43:04] When it feels anything other than good. Yeah. That's information exactly that it's showing me something and. That curiosity over constriction can also for me look like curiosity over criticism. And because that criticism is usually either dialed inward, what's wrong with me? Right. Or what's wrong with them? [00:43:25] Versus , what is happening Exactly. What's going on? What is this showing me? And I would say probably saying goodbye to relationships or friendships has probably been the hardest. Yeah. The hard, because there is this idea that I'm like if I like it, and it's like in a possessive way. [00:43:42] It's, if I like you forever. And I, and of course that is true. I mean, it, there's nobody who's been in my life that's added value that I don't appreciate. Right. But but I think that the shedding. Yeah. It's like I, I want the next thing, but I also don't wanna let the old thing go. [00:43:56] Right. And so it's, I think I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to like, pull that thing with me. Whatever it is and whatever that stage. But I think that there's when you can fully embrace, 'cause what I'm hearing from you is when you can fully embrace I am different now. [00:44:11] Yep. This is different. This mosaic. I'm not, I may not be able to carry water like I was as a vase. Right. But I'm gonna look really great as this. Yeah. And the other thing I wanna shift to before, before I get to your, don't cut your own bangs question. What I wanna ask you, you've mentioned art a couple of different times. [00:44:28] And this is to, to reference Dr. Martha Beck again. She has done a lot of incredible work in the last couple years where a way to. Step out of anxiety is not to try to access calm. 'cause we talked about going for a walk, right? So, because as much as I love these big conversations, it can be sometimes like, what is something tangible I can actually hold onto? [00:44:53] So walking with something we talked about community and connection with something else we talked about, but Art, I wanna talk about that for a moment because that is what my book was for me. Yeah. It was I created something that only that felt like it was to serve me. The process of interacting with that idea was so delightful and so delicious and so fun that I was like, I feel like I'm just the luckiest person that like this is, oh wow, I get to play with this thing. [00:45:21] Yeah. And it wants to play with me. And I don't feel that all the time. Like sometimes it's origami or doodling or coloring with my daughter. But to go back to Dr. Martha Beck's work that the opposite of anxiety is not calm, it's creativity. Oh, I love that. And you have by default really spoken through, like just healing through creating. [00:45:43] Oh, absolutely. And also there's something about, 'cause calm, there's something about calm that like, we must be still, and granted I love meditation, but like, I must be still, I must be calm. But when you are holding something that is buzzing and shaking or heavy or hot, like just some emotions are hot, like you, it's like you wanna move it through your hands or your words or your body and make something, right. [00:46:06] And you made me, she made me this bracelet before we started this episode. So like, it feels like you have a relationship with creativity too. A hundred percent. Creativity is a lifeline. And I feel like, and the most chaotic moments of my life have been the least I'm my least creative and I think it's a really. [00:46:29] Valuable, tangible thing for anybody to take from this conversation is if you are feeling out of control, lean into something as simple as I'm obsessed with those adult, you know, like the coloring books. Yes. You know, for adults to have like tons of different like lines all over the place that you have to be like really specific to keep the marker in there. [00:46:51] It can't, I do get a little bugged when it like bleeds over to the next section, but, , it's okay. I know I'm working through my, , my stressors at that moment. But yes, giving yourself a creative outlet, it's like taking a big drink of water after you've been exercising and you are so parched. [00:47:07] And I also agree that , calm sounds great in theory, but for me I feel like the more important, like the word that's become more important or I'm better able to. Absorb is the idea of am I grounded? Are my feet touching the ground? I can still have a lot going on, but when I'm like rising higher, you know, off the ground, 'cause like, I'm like a bird at this point, just flapping my arms so fast, right. [00:47:35] That I'm actually taking flight. I'm not in my best head space, but when I can just take a moment to literally just ground myself, make sure that my feet are, whether it's in the grass or sit down like this. And a conversation with a friend, somebody who really knows you is a great moment for that. [00:47:53] It's a great way to remind you who you are is somebody else. Sometimes I talk all the time about the value of when you can connect with somebody who feels with you, not just for you. Oh my gosh. It makes the world so much lighter and goodness. I mean, huh. That's probably if I could have answered the question I asked you a little bit ago, what's something that you could have if I could have told my former therapist self, like when I very when I first started, you're there to hold space for people to feel and feel with them. [00:48:23] Right. Exactly. You're not there. It's sacred. Yeah. It's there's nothing, one, it's like, there's nothing I can tell someone who's deeply in pain that they're actually gonna No. , That's, the words are just like, right. It's just noise. Yeah. And not to take anything. I'm sure I have clients who have been impacted by words. [00:48:40] But having a safe space to feel your feelings free of judgment. Is one of the reasons why I love journaling so much, but also doing that in communion Yeah. With another human right who expects nothing of you. I love Elizabeth Gilbert has language I love, like there's no precious outcome. [00:48:57] Like I can, that I can sit and have space with you or I can make plans with you or be, and there's no precious outcome. You don't have to perform for me. Right. You don't have to be anything for me. Like we can just be that is what a gift. Yes, that is. I just want to, this conversation has inspired way too many thoughts, but in the best way. [00:49:15] But something that hit me and then I think we could absolutely move on to Yeah. This the cut your bangs question. But what I've realized even in our conversation is that logic is not loud . our emotions are loud and they get louder and louder. The more we. Push them back the more we ignore them. [00:49:36] Think of your kids until they, when they need your attention. Because they deserve your attention. They do. The best thing we can do is acknowledge those emotions and just, even if it's as simple as, it's totally understandable. I feel this way right now. That is such a freeing sentence. Of course, I feel this way right now. [00:49:58] That was some serious shit that I just went through. Yeah . of course, I feel, and it doesn't have to make sense when those feelings hit the timing a lot of times feelings for me, I've found won't hit until I'm in a safe space much further down the road. Yes. And it's like being T-boned, like yes, totally out of the blue. [00:50:19] But that's also what happens to kids when they have tantrums. Ah, yeah. They'll hold. And then when they're finally either home at the end of the day or something, when the container is so full and they're finally in a place where they feel safe, they'll erupt over an orange peel not being peeled correctly. [00:50:32] Or , or a banana not being peeled correctly. Oh gosh. And it's not that, don't even start me on string cheese. God. Oh God. Parenting is fun. The best, but No, but you're right. Sometimes, I think that's probably why I cry almost with like every movie and TV show I watch. [00:50:47] Yeah. Because the emotions are just always right there and I just need a place to let it trickle out. Right. And that's okay. And I think, but just not judging ourselves for feelings. And then I think once we give that space or the feelings, the sooner we can do that, the sooner that logic, you know, like you, you mentioned multiple times, I know this, then you give logic. [00:51:13] The space that it needs to speak to you in a calm and quiet manner that you can actually trust. And that's where I think that those gut feelings truly come from. Those inner knowings are, when you've allowed space for the emotions first, given them their due. So then the logic can start to talk to you because it's never going to yell for your attention. [00:51:35] No. And I think we want it to, but that's not the way it works. And that's okay. A lot of times things make sense in hindsight, oh gosh, hindsight's 2020. Always. South Park has a great episode. If people if you have just like a dark sense of humor and you wanna laugh at, there's a character called Captain Hindsight and it's really funny. [00:51:54] . So yeah, a lot of times things don't make sense until we're. A little bit more removed from them. Yep. And some what I have found to be helpful, I've noticed you using your hands. Yeah. And I find when I am, when my mind is really active and I need it to stop or slow down or I just i'll sometimes even throw my hands up. Yeah. And I'll say, and even saying. I'm feeling something and just to myself in my kitchen. 'cause I'm almost always , because I work from home, I'm either like in my office or in my kitchen, like I'm feeling something. As soon as you did that, it's gonna show on video. [00:52:25] I like saw from the corner of my eye myself, naturally going, whew. Yeah. Just sound like inhale. Exhale. Yes. It's like something is being felt. Something's happening. I don't know what it is, but something's happening. And I think, in a lot of ways too, like that's how we have these internal smoke signals. [00:52:42] Yeah. And it's the same way, like your smoke detector in your house doesn't know the difference between burnt toast and something on fire, right? But it will beep when it senses. Yeah. When it senses something. And so my body is like sensing something. Is this a threat? [00:52:56] Are we safe? Yes, we're safe. Oh, we're likely. We just needed water. We're just dehydrated. Uhhuh. Or we just, yeah. So any number of things. But that was so good. Thank you. And yes, I would love, love, love to know your don't cut your own bang moment. And for anybody who is new to the podcast, 'cause I think there are some new people here. [00:53:15] Thank you for being here. Don't cut Your own bang moment is a moment where you went all in on something like cutting your own bangs, you grabbed some scissors, you watched a YouTube video, you're like, I got this. And you go, and then, oh no, this wasn't what I thought it would be. But the value in a don't Cut Your own Bang moment is not only that we can share in the silliness of humanity and mistakes, but also like maybe we learn something from it. [00:53:42] So, Ashlyn? Yes. I would love to hear your Don't cut your own bang moment. Oh my goodness. I think that there's probably a plethora of them. Oh, of course. And, let's see here. I'm even, I tried to have one prepared, and then I got excited about the rest of our conversation. Oh my gosh. Don't worry. So, okay I'll share one. [00:53:58] So what's a good, don't a good, oh. I invited my husband to record a podcast with me because I thought it would just be, , fun to bring him back on. And what I realized was I didn't prepare him for it at all. I just set up lights and set up a camera and asked him to sit. And he was so, visibly like he was trying, he was sitting, he was trying. [00:54:23] But I could just tell, again, something's happening. And I could tell he was a little uncomfortable and a little stiff. And I kept, because our eyes look out. My first assumption is, what's wrong out there? And I was like, what are you okay? What's wrong? And he he was , I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing. [00:54:41] And then I was like. Oh, no, it was snip the bangs. I didn't provide any context. I didn't give him any preparation for what we'd be talking about, why we'd be talking like he had no context. And the whole setup is different, uhhuh. And it was such a humbling, settling moment of context. [00:55:04] It's I'm writing something right now about this idea of play. I'm a freedom loving, freedom seeking play hungry, greedy person right now. I want more play. I could never get enough. But what makes play feel fun and safe is to understand the context. Yeah. , There's rules in a game. [00:55:20] Otherwise, what is it? And I, my first instinct is to buck. Rules. I don't like ingredient lists. I don't like recipes. I just wanna feel my way through it. But, if you wanna make a beautiful croissant, you can't just feel your way through that. There's a very exacting way to do it. And so, it, it was such a one, I'm endlessly grateful for him and his patients with me. [00:55:40] I'm grateful that , our dynamics not new, so he probably knew what was going on, but just did yeah he's pretty sweet that way. But I, it was such a refresher that , if I wanna create a space and container to play safely with people Yeah. I need to give them the context. Absolutely. And it doesn't matter how long I've known someone, how well I know someone. [00:55:59] I laughed at myself because I, the part of the reason why it feels funny to me, but in like a humbling way. I thought the problem was him for like the first 15 minutes. I was like, what dude? Relax. I was like, what? Is he doing it right? [00:56:12] Yeah. like come on. And I was like. Oh no. Context. Zero. Oh my goodness. So that was a great one. Thank you. Okay, I'm gonna do mine in like short seconds because this one just hap this that inspired me perfectly. So my 8-year-old son and I are both going to the same therapist right now. [00:56:30] I'm a believer everybody should have at least an annual checkup with a therapist, but that's a great endorsement. Everyone should have an you annual checkup. You welcome, reach out to Danielle, she's fantastic. If you live in Indiana, by all means. If not, we'll help you find someone. Yes. And also order the book. [00:56:44] Yes, order the book. Get resting the wall risk. Get treasured. Yes. But go on please. So anyway one, one of the things that my I, the reason I love the person we're working with is because she's the first therapist I've worked with when it comes to, with my kids, she actually tells me what I can work on rather than just , you're doing the best you can and like you just love 'em. [00:57:03] And like, yes, I know, but that is not helping me. And so one of the things that got pointed out to me. Was so Cole , has very low frustration tolerance, like more so than is necessarily healthy for an 8-year-old. And of course with all the trauma with our his sister, our journey, it's understandable. [00:57:22] So we're working on that. What she kindly pointed out to me was, okay, we could work on his, but do you also realize that your tolerance for acceptable emotions is about this big? Oh, she's , therapist, be therapist Uhhuh. She's , but there's like a whole lot more emo like, she's , it's like a whole rainbow. [00:57:42] We need a whole arc for acceptable emotions. She's so you need to stop making it your responsibility to control which emotions he experiences. And it's up to you to provide the solid ground for him no matter which emotion comes up for him. And I will say that has changed my parenting in the last week. [00:58:04] More than maybe anything has like faster than anything. Because all of a sudden I'm like, of course it's acceptable that his sister just made him extremely mad. Of course it's understandable that he's jealous or sad or excited or whatever the feeling is, but it also doesn't define him as right or wrong, what emotions he's experiencing in that moment. [00:58:28] And the big thing was the realization that every emotion he experiences is not a direct reflection of who I am as a parent. No. Because that was what I needed to let go of that any emotion that is considered negative that my child has doesn't mean. That I'm doing a bad job as a parent. Oh my God. [00:58:49] That is one. What a beautiful. Don't cut. Thank you. With Dr. Sarah. Yes. Thank you, Dr. Sarah. You'd be therapizing all up in that session. That was so good. And it's the, that to me is a great example that hard truths can always be delivered with kindness. Yeah. But I think the big important thing there is you had the right context. [00:59:12] Exactly. You went to her for that information. Right. It wasn't like someone on the street. But the thing that we can't give someone what we don't have. Exactly. And I actually think that what you just said, if there was ever an endorsement for what. Self-care actually is not the commoditized, right. [00:59:29] Faux sense of, I'm gonna create a problem and I'm going to prescribe collagen. Did you know that the reason why, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah is these things that you need to buy and, oh, my program for blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm gonna, I have all that stuff. I'm not I'm wanna, I wanna keep it in perspective. [00:59:45] I am drinking the same Kool-Aid 'cause I'm getting sent the same algorithm ads that we're all getting sent. Like I'm doing colostrum now. I don't even know. Like, I just, because I was like, my gut might grow up I own, but anyway but I think self-care and the best possible context is when you nurture. [01:00:03] And heal yourself. It becomes the medicine. Yes. Yes. And the offering for the other people in your life that you love most. It's like as you increase your own palette of what you're able to allow yourself to experience, you're then also able to see it in your son and give it to him. That is so beautiful and it's hard. [01:00:26] Sometimes, but it's some God that a well timed, articulated loving truth like that can change your life. Yeah. That is amazing. Thank you. I don't know, we can't top that. That was good. We're good. That was real good. Ashlyn Thompson, thank you so much for coming back and we're going to have you back. [01:00:43] You have to come back. Yes. And you're coming over to Empowered by Hope very soon. I would love that so much. And Yes. And so all of the ways, if you or anyone you know in your life has been impacted by a little one with complex me complex medical issues and you want some support, you want some information, you want some resources. [01:01:01] The link in the show notes will have every way that you can connect with Ashlyn, her business partner, and what was formally Charlotte's Hope Foundation, what is now the Parent Empowerment Network. Pick up all the books, all the resources, everything I talked about too for my stuff is also in there. [01:01:16] But , it's all linked for you there. So I hope that you get what you need and. Thanks so much, . Oh my gosh. [01:01:21] If you've ever wanted to pick up journaling,

Danielle Ireland, kicks off the new video era of 'Don't Cut Your Own Bangs' by reintroducing herself, reflecting on her journey from ballroom dance instructor to therapist, and discussing her new children's book 'Wrestling a Walrus for Little People with Big Feelings.' She candidly shares her fears and procrastination battle, revealing how overcoming them led her here. Danielle outlines what's to come in the podcast, including solo casts and insightful interviews, and emphasizes her mission to make big feelings feel less scary. Join her for meaningful conversations, personal growth, and plenty of laughs.   00:00 Welcome to the Video Podcast 00:34 Overcoming Fear and Procrastination 02:07 Reintroducing Myself and the Podcast 02:42 Writing a Children's Book 03:50 The Heartbeat of the Podcast 05:01 Future Podcast Plans 08:41 Personal Updates and Challenges 12:01 Top Episodes and Gratitude 13:18 Final Thoughts and Encouragement   THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal The one tool I recommend to all of my therapy clients is journaling. Getting your thoughts out of your head and down on the page is a simple act that can change your life. I made the Treasured Journal for anyone who wants to dig a little deeper but doesn't know where to start. The questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help support you in exploring the big feelings in your life. Learn more about this specially designed journal and its companion Meditation Series at https://danielleireland.com/journal. READ DANIELLE ON SUBSTACK I'm now on Substack and I'd love for you to check it out. Substack is its own platform that is teeming with my favorite thought leaders, writers, and authors—incredible people out in the world who are asking interesting questions and exploring interesting answers. I'm throwing my hat in the ring and putting engaging content out there, too. So, click the link (https://danielleireland.substack.com/) to subscribe. You'll stay up to date and never miss out on the best new material.    VISIT DANIELLE'S WEBSITE  If you'd like more content like this and you want to stay in the know, hop on over to my website (https://danielleireland.com/) and hit subscribe. There you will always be up to date on the latest learning material, my blog, and other meaningful content. Just click on the website so that you never miss out.     RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE TO “DON'T CUT YOUR OWN BANGS”  Like your favorite recipe or song, the best things in life are shared. When you rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast, your engagement helps me connect  with other listeners just like you. Plus, subscriptions just make life easier for everybody. It's one less thing for you to think about and you can easily keep up to date on everything that's new. So, please rate, review, and subscribe today.    DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below.   Website: https://danielleireland.com/   The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal   Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/   Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw   Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW   Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured   [00:00:08] Hello. Hello, this is Danielle Ireland and you are listening or watching. Don't cut your own bangs. I wanted to take this opportunity with this new video. [00:00:19] to say hello and reintroduce myself. Whether you are joining for the first time, or you've been a long time listener since the podcast first began, I just wanna welcome you back and welcome myself to the video podcasting space. [00:00:34] I put it off for a long time. Mostly because I didn't know if I could figure it out and I was afraid. But that is also what this podcast is about. When I was transitioning from working as a ballroom dance instructor to building a career as a therapist and all of those twisty zigzags in between, there was a lot of uncertainty, a lot of doubt, and can I freaking do this? [00:01:00] And what I have found to be true. only every single time is that whenever I approach something new that excites me, that I really want, that's just like, just teetering on the growth edge. I feel the same way every time. I don't know if I can do this. This is gonna be really hard, maybe I shouldn't. And then I do, a dance of procrastination where I. [00:01:26] Learn a little bit, feel kind of frozen, and we'll re-watch a comfort show, binge Parks and Rec or Gilmore Girls, and then that feeling, that pestering knock on the internal doors, like, Hey, are you gonna come play with us? And so then I try to pick the baton back up and learn a little bit more. And so inch by inch by inch. [00:01:48] I find myself here on video doing a podcast, which actually feels great. But this, that's the other thing too. It's like if you can get over your fear just enough to try to do the thing and you start doing the thing you've been putting off almost every time you find out, oh, it was really not as scary as I thought, or nor was it as hard as I thought. [00:02:07] What I wanted to do was reintroduce myself if you're new to the podcast, and give you an idea of what you can expect in these upcoming episodes. 'cause I'm figuring it out too. And then also just share a little bit about what I've been doing between the last time I was really recording consistently and now, and hopefully humanize the gap and. [00:02:32] Just kind of rev myself back up into doing something that I love, which is sharing, sharing the space with you. So what have I been doing? I wrote a children's book. It is called Wrestling a Walrus for little People with Big Feelings. I'm a parent of two. I have a 4-year-old and a one and a half year old, and they have big. [00:02:53] Freaking feelings. I haven't decided yet. If I'm gonna openly curse at every podcast I've ever done, I let myself curse. But somehow like this being on video, I feel different about it. We'll figure that out along the way too. But I wrote this book and I actually did a mini series about the writing process with Emily Sutherland, who is the woman who helped me edit the book, who has been my children's book Guiding Light in this whole writing processing. [00:03:21] And cultivating slash self-publishing process. And so if you want to do a deeper dive into that, you can. It's only in audio. It's not video, But, this, this book is a big reason why I'm excited in a renewed way to record this podcast and put it in. [00:03:42] Another format that potentially makes it more accessible, because I believe in this book, I love this little book. it's a little book with a big idea. And that idea has been, I think the, the heartbeat of what made me love this work in the podcast space as well as the work I do as a therapist, which is when we confront a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. [00:04:08] And in this case it happens to be. A large feeling or a walrus. But when we confront something that seems impossible, we will use every well worn, familiar, mostly ineffective way to tackle that obstacle. And because what we want is for the obstacle to not be an obstacle. What we want is for the obstacle to change. [00:04:31] But what I know through my own lived experience and what I know through walking. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people through their most painful processes is that what makes the obstacle move is an internal movement, emotions or energy in motion. They want you to move. They have something for you to learn. [00:04:58] And that's what I wanna talk about here in this space. So we will have a combination moving forward of solo casts where it'll be like this with me, just you and me here in this space, Talking about really key specific takeaways that come through my practice as a therapist. [00:05:18] I'm not going to be sharing any secrets from what clients are divulging personally, but there's this beautiful balance between specificity of a moment that seems so unique to an individual that almost the deeper you go in. What you find on the other side is this universality, this common thread that is bigger than the individual, that's bigger than the story, and it's something we can all learn from and grow from together. [00:05:48] And then beyond the solo casts, which will be. Generally between 20 and 30 minutes, we will have interviews. Again, I miss interviews. That was how the podcast began, mostly because I was afraid afraid of the format. so I thought if I just bring someone along with me and I talk to them, I'll have something to talk about. [00:06:07] turns out I have no shortages of things to say, We wanna have guests back. I wanna talk to, I wanna revisit some of our most popular interviews. I wanna have them back and catch up. Where are they now? Because as a creator and as an ever evolving, growing person, when you shift out of the starting something phase and you're in a, I need to keep it alive phase. [00:06:31] That's a different point of view, that's a different energy, that's a different focus. And that's going to lead to a different conversation. And I wanna know where people are because I was right in the beginning of my podcasting journey with some of the, my favorite interviews of all time. And I've grown, I've changed. [00:06:47] And I know that they have two. So we're gonna invite some old friends back, not old chronologically. Biologically, in the. Lifespan of the podcast, but we're gonna invite them back and continue those conversations as well as invite some new friends that either I've never met or you've never met, and we're gonna just grow and have really fun, in-depth, meaningful discussion. [00:07:12] But here's what you can expect every time, whether it's just me or whether it's me and a friend having a meaningful conversation or interview. What I really wanna do in this podcast is make big feelings feel less scary. I want to help make them feel easier to understand, and I wanna make approaching them feel possible because it is possible. [00:07:35] And whenever possible, as much as possible, I wanna laugh mostly for my own healing, and my own, I guess selfish reasons. But what I have found to be true time and time again is when we are faced with truth, like not just something that sounds true or an interesting fact, but when we are hit with something that is undeniably true, it elicits a physiological response and we either cry in those moments or laugh [00:08:07] I hold a lot of space for tears for people, and I think for my own sense of balance and for my own selfish need. I wanna laugh, and I think when you can turn challenges into something that amuses you or delights you. That is a real power move. I wanna discover that in real time here and I wanna discover that with you. [00:08:33] And so that is my goal. That's my goal with this next wave of the podcast to share a little history and what has been going on in this break? when I got pregnant with my son, Who's a year and a half old now. I lost a lot of extra energy reserve, which on the face value of it sounds like, of course. [00:08:52] That makes sense. but I have also seen and felt the opposite when I was pregnant with my first, I had this Almost like extra adrenaline edge that made me wanna go, go, go and make, make, make, and do, do, do. And with my son, I just felt like if there was like a buns and burner for my life force energy, it was dialed down. [00:09:12] And not just in a depressive way, but my light dimmed. I was burning more and didn't have extra fuel to put into things outside of where I absolutely needed to show up, therapy home, my physical health. and that left me in kind of a limbic space with this. [00:09:33] I loved making it, but I had changed and I needed to allow this to change with me The process of writing this beautiful little book for little people with big feelings, helped me reignite a creative spark that I was missing. I started this about a year ago, and again, if you want to know [00:09:56] how the book began, how I wrote it, why all of the little twists and turns into the actual nuts and bolts of how I wrote the book and how I made the book. you can, there's a whole podcast miniseries on that, specifically with Emily Sutherland. But all that to say is that that process of making this idea from an idea to a living thing helped light a new spark in me [00:10:20] Reignited my excitement, enthusiasm to show up here. The other experience that happened is that, somebody tried to create a podcast with the same name and I had to take some pretty strong action to protect the content that I put a lot of love and effort and sweat, and energy into cultivating. And in that process of fighting for it, I had a fork in the road moment where I essentially had to decide. [00:10:48] Okay, you're gonna fight for it, but what are you fighting for? Are you fighting for it because you don't want someone else to touch it? Or are you fighting for it because you still wanna do something with it? And what I realized was that little push was kind of, it felt like a nudge, just a gentle nudge saying, Hey, do you still wanna play with us? [00:11:10] Do you still wanna do something here? And then the answer was yes. So that was the other, and ugh. And then I moved, I moved, oh, I moved houses. And it was, it was a lot. I am humbled. There's, there's experiences you hear about and you think you know about until you experience them yourself. And I did not understand. [00:11:34] What the energetic toll of moving a house with small children and for the people who do that all the time or who have done that many times over, maybe you get better at it with time, but damn it is, it's, it, it takes a toll too. So for all those reasons and more, I had to, or rather chose to take a pause on the podcast, but I love, I love being back and I love that we're here. [00:12:01] And another thing that's important too, especially if you're new to the Don't Cut Your Own Banks podcast. So we have 172 episodes in the bank, in the back catalog, and I love every single one of them. But what I wanna do is make for new people that are discovering the podcast for the first time, I wanna make. [00:12:24] Your lives a wee bit easier. And so what I've done is gone through and combed through the archives and the 50 most listened to most downloaded episodes. Those are the ones that are gonna remain and everything else is gonna stay in the back catalog. [00:12:38] A lot of great, great episodes and interviews and solo cast, but what you're going to see if you are just listening to this, when you file back, you're gonna see the top 50 most listened to most downloaded episodes. I hope you go through and listen to them at your leisure. I know there's a lot of content out there. [00:12:54] I know there's a lot of places you can be, but yeah, those are some real gems that are sitting there for you. And mostly I just wanna say thank you if you are still listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you if you've been there since the beginning. Thanks for still listening. Thanks for joining me in this new journey and video. [00:13:13] I'm going to continue to learn and get better and hopefully improve. And this is gonna be a really fun, this is gonna be an awesome adventure and. As always, your time, your care, your attention, and your presence. Here, they mean the world to me. I look forward to adding value to your life, making big feelings, feel less scary, helping you feel less alone because you're not. [00:13:35] And whenever possible. As much as possible, finding opportunities to laugh because we deserve to delight in our life. We deserve delight. You deserve it. So thanks for being here. I look forward to continuing on this journey. And. Just whatever you do, don't cut your own bangs. [00:13:54]  

Welcome back to the final episode of the Creativity Miniseries! In this conversation, Emily Sutherland and I open up our personal creativity toolkits and share the resources and strategies that help us bring our ideas to life. Working on this miniseries with Emily has been an absolute joy. She's not just an incredible creative and coach—she's also become a trusted friend and advisor throughout the development of Wrestling a Walrus, my first children's book. I truly could not imagine doing this without her. Interestingly, we didn't plan on recording another discussion on the creative process, but that's exactly where our behind-the scenes, warm-up conversation led us. So, we left it in. I think you might find some usefulness in this bonus material as we share our thoughts on the value of authenticity, the importance of differentiating yourself, and the surprising relationship between uncertainty and clarity.  A huge thank you to Emily for her wisdom and generosity, and to you for joining us as part of the creative community.  SPECIAL MENTIONS Emily Sutherland's Storytelling for Business (April 4, 2025) and Nurturing Your Creative Self (May 9, 2025) - https://www.emilysutherland.me/events Storytelling Community (Substack) - https://open.substack.com/pub/storytellingcommunity The Secret Lies Within by “Auntie Anne” Beiler and Emily H. Sutherland - http://bit.ly/3FmIxPT Betsy B. Murphy - https://substack.com/@betsybmurphy or http://betsybmurphy.com/ Vanessa Marin, sex therapist on IG @vanessaandxander PROCESS TOOLKIT Write it down when you feel it (and be prepared in the middle of the night). Be ready for the idea. Be discerning about what, when, and who to share your idea with.    When your idea is at a tender stage, who are your tender people? Do you need an editor or a cheerleader? Journaling. Let the creative juices flow without requiring an outcome. The more you write, the more ideas will come. Immerse yourself  and trust the process.  Try on new ideas to see if they go anywhere. “I make what I like, and they eat it how they want to eat it.” - Erykah Badu to Donald Glover ELECTRONIC TOOLS Manuscript Software - Scrivener - affiliate link: https://www.literatureandlatte.com/scrivener/overview?fpr=emilysuth Google Docs, YouTube, and Apps (e.g., voice memo, talk-to-text, notes) IngramSpark - https://www.ingramspark.com/  Kindle Direct Publishing - https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B008241EAQ Storytelling Workshops - https://www.emilysutherland.me/events PHYSICAL TOOLS  Fine Tip Sharpie Pen or The Pilot G2 (in multiple colors!) Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert - https://www.elizabethgilbert.com/books/big-magic/ Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott - https://writingforyourlife.com/bird-by-bird-some-instructions-on-writing-and-life/ The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron - https://juliacameronlive.com/books-by-julia/ Rifle Paper Company little notebooks (great for lefties!) - https://riflepaperco.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

Creative expression can be a powerful tool for personal healing and growth because the creative work we do is so connected to the healing work we need. From following along in this Creativity Miniseries, you know that Emily Sutherland has been my special guest on this journey. Emily is a ghostwriter, published author, coach, and executive storyteller. Together, we have explored the messy, magical stages of bringing an idea to life—Inspiration, Preparation, and Perspiration. Now, we've arrived at the final stage: Creation.  In the Creation stage, you pour your heart into the work, but how do you know when it's truly finished? Is it ever really done? When is it time to share your creation with the world? This final stage of the process can feel both vulnerable and exhilarating. Emily and I explore it all. While this episode covers the last stage in our series on the creative process, we're not done just yet! Stick around for our next episode, when we share our Creativity Toolkit—packed with tips on making time for your craft, resources for self-publishing, and much more. Thank you for listening! RESOURCES Emily Sutherland's Storytelling for Business (April 4, 2025) and Nurturing Your Creative Self (May 9, 2025) -https://www.emilysutherland.me/events Emily H. Sutherland website - https://www.emilysutherland.me/ Madeleine L'Engle - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madeleine_L%27Engle IngramSpark - https://www.ingramspark.com/ THE TREASURED JOURNAL Learn more about this specially designed journal and its companion Meditation Series at https://danielleireland.com/journal DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured      

Welcome back to our Creativity Miniseries on Don't Cut Your Own Bangs! We're diving into the next (and sweatiest) stage of creativity:  perspiration! This is where ideas move from being dreams and start becoming reality. I'm joined once again by my brilliant friend, Emily H. Sutherland—a ghostwriter, published author, coach, and executive storyteller. Together, we're getting real about what it takes to push past resistance, embrace creativity, and bring your ideas to life.   We use our own messy, sweaty experiences—including my upcoming children's book—to illustrate the difference between “just do it” sweating and “shame” sweating. And, we share how movement, breath work, and self-imposed deadlines can help you power through creative roadblocks.  If you've ever felt stuck between having a great idea and making it happen, this episode is your ticket to action—no perfection required. RESOURCES Emily Sutherland's Storytelling for Business (April 4, 2025) and Nurturing Your Creative Self (May 9, 2025) - https://www.emilysutherland.me/events Emily H. Sutherland website - https://www.emilysutherland.me/ Anne Lamott - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Lamott Jen Edds at the Brassy Broadcasting Company - https://brassybroad.com/ THE TREASURED JOURNAL Getting your thoughts out of your head and down on the page is a simple act that can change your life. I made the Treasured Journal for anyone who wants to dig a little deeper but doesn't know where to start. The questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help support you in exploring the big feelings in your life. Learn more about this specially designed journal and its companion Meditation Series at https://danielleireland.com/journal. DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured    

Welcome back to Don't Cut Your Own Bangs and our Creativity Miniseries! I'm thrilled to continue this deep dive into the creative process alongside my friend and fellow creative, Emily H. Sutherland—a ghostwriter, published author, coach, and executive storyteller. Together, we're exploring what it means to embrace creativity, break through resistance, and bring ideas to life.  In our last episode, we discussed the first stage of creativity: inspiration—how talking about creativity, building community around it, and applying maybe a little bit of structure can allow ideas to feel more tangible and possible.  Now, we're moving into the next phase: preparation—the crucial but often overlooked step that turns inspiration into something real. Preparation can feel deceptively inactive—even lazy. But in reality, nothing is wasted. This stage is where clarity and intention come together, setting the foundation for everything that follows.   If you've ever felt stuck between having a great idea and actually making it happen, this miniseries is for you!   THE TREASURED JOURNAL The one tool I recommend to all of my therapy clients is journaling. Getting your thoughts out of your head and down on the page is a simple act that can change your life. The Treasured Journal is for anyone who wants to dig a little deeper but doesn't know where to start. The questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help support you in exploring the big feelings in your life. Learn more about this specially designed journal and its companion Meditation Series at https://danielleireland.com/journal. EMILY SUTHERLAND Website - https://www.emilysutherland.me/ Storytelling for Business (April 4, 2025) -https://www.emilysutherland.me/events Nurturing Your Creative Self (May 9, 2025) - https://www.emilysutherland.me/events DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

Hello and welcome back to the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” podcast! Creativity isn't just about talent—it's about navigating the uncertainty of the messy middle, where inspiration meets resistance, doubt, and discovery. In this special miniseries, I'm diving deep into the creative process with my friend and fellow creative, Emily H. Sutherland. Emily is a ghostwriter, published author, coach, and executive storyteller. And that just barely scratches the surface of her experience and talents. Emily and I first connected when I sought her guidance on my own exciting new project—writing a children's book. What I learned from working with her was so powerful that I knew we had to share our thoughts on creativity. Because here's the truth: each of us is creative. Each of us deserves the joy of bringing bold, beautiful, and deeply personal ideas to life. Join us as we break down creativity into four phases: inspiration, preparation, perspiration, and creation. Whether you're an artist, writer, entrepreneur, or someone who's ever dreamed of creating something, this series is for you. Let's explore the power of creativity together—because the messy middle isn't just where the hard work happens. It's where the magic lives! RESOURCES Emily Sutherland's Storytelling Retreat (Feb 7-8, 2025) -  https://www.emilysutherland.me/events/storytellingretreat Danielle Ireland's Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal MENTIONS Emily H. Sutherland website - https://www.emilysutherland.me/ Martha Beck – Beyond Anxiety https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/beyond-anxiety-martha-beck/1145322194 Elizabeth Gilbert – Big Magic https://www.amazon.com/Big-Magic-Creative-Living-  Beyond/dp/1594634726 Marie Forleo   https://www.marieforleo.com/ The Tim Ferriss Show featuring Jerry Seinfeld https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNTmFORn3xQ Mike Birbiglia's Working It Out Podcast featuring Stephen Merchant https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tfTkwMzq_4 DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured    

Hello and welcome to the final episode in our series, “Riding the Waves.” This has been an exploration to find what becomes available to us when we hold big ideas, big feelings, and big problems a little more lightly. So far, Juanita Molano Parra and I have looked at the issue through the lens of the following questions: -Where should I start? -What should I do? -What if I fail? -What now? In this final episode, we bring it all together by asking “What do I know?” Juanita and I have really enjoyed sharing and bouncing ideas off of each other as a way to determine why these big things can be so challenging, what gets in the way of progress, and, ultimately, what opens up for us when we add some mindfulness to our approach. Thank you so much for joining us on this journey. Your time, your care, and your attention mean more to me than you know!  And a big, very special THANK YOU to Juanita for her time, her knowledge, her insight, and her friendship. It's been a blast!  Be sure to listen next time as "Don't Cut Your Own Bangs" continues to navigate the messy middle between where we are and where we want to be. JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share.  Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

Welcome to the penultimate episode in our series, “Riding the Waves,” in which Juanita Molano Parra and I examine what comes up, what opens up, and what becomes available when we hold big ideas, big feelings, and big problems a little more lightly.   Join Juanita and me as we consider “What Now?” As with the other questions in our series, this prompt helps us find a way to work through the big, challenging things and deal with what gets in the way of progress. Here are a few observations from our discussion: -Asking “what now?” can introduce confusion or fear of consequences. -Be present. Assess how you feel and what you're experiencing at this moment. -What's happening now is not necessarily urgent. Consider taking a pause.  -Simply being in the now can help lighten your grip on big things.  Thank you for listening and be sure to tune in next time for the final episode in our series. Your time, your care, and your attention mean more to me than you know! SUBSCRIBE ON YOUR iPHONE -Open the Podcasts app on your iPhone and tap the Home icon in the bottom left. -Search for or tap on “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs.” -Tap on “+Follow” in the upper right, or -Tap on the 3 dots (...) in the upper right and then tap on the plus sign (+) to “Follow Show.” SUBSCRIBE ON YOUR SAMSUNG MOBILE PHONE -Open the Google Podcasts app. -Tap the Search icon and enter “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs.” -Select the podcast from the search results. -Tap the Subscribe button. JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is a certified life and leadership coach. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality.  Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share.   Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

It seems counterintuitive to actually loosen your grip on something that you care about. But, that's what Juanita Molano Parra and I are examining in our series, “Riding the Waves.” We're looking at what comes up, what opens up, and what becomes available when we hold big ideas, big feelings, and big problems a little more lightly. Can this technique help us navigate rough emotional waters?  As a way in, Juanita and I pose several questions that indicate how we approach and manage “big things.” This episode continues our breakdown of  “what's at stake?” Stakes can be both inspirational and paralyzing. We explore how stakes motivate (and demotivate) us, share what gets in the way of progress, and use real-life examples to provide context. Here are a few thoughts from our discussion: Do we create unrealistic expectations when we use educational information to measure our success? How can we balance self development with the pitfalls of perfectionism? Using how-to resources for growth and development can be constraining, but “enlightenment will always taste of freedom.” (A quote of a quote.) Best practices can provide a sense of permission in the face of risk.  Possibility is the flip side of risk, and possibility can be filled with beauty, magic, and joy.  Join us next time as our series continues. Thank you for listening! JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

Hello and thank you for joining Juanita Molano Parra and me as we continue “Riding the Waves,” the series in which we examine what comes up, what opens up, and what becomes available when we loosen our grip on big ideas, big feelings, and big problems. By holding big things a little more lightly, it becomes easier to ride the turbulent emotional waves. This episode introduces the question, “what's at stake?” Stakes can be both good and bad, penalty and reward, inspirational and paralyzing. We explore how stakes motivate us, what gets in the way, and real-life examples for context. Here are a few observations from our discussion: Parenting, in particular, carries huge stakes. Additional stakes can surface with people who are asked to watch our children or who have opinions on how our children are being raised.   Social media can affect how we view stakes and prompt us to doubt ourselves. Sometimes there is conflict between how much something matters and how to make that thing happen.  The actual stakes can be very different from what we perceive to be at stake. We can feel attachments to a variety of things including people, outcomes, stories, and the way things have always been done. Thank you for listening. Tune in next time for part 2 of "What's at Stake?" JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

Hello! Thank you for joining Juanita Molano Parra and me as we pick up from our last discussion and dive deeper into the question, "what if I fail?" This is the third question in our series, “Riding the Waves,” where we examine what comes up, what opens up, and what becomes available when we hold big ideas, big feelings, and big problems a little more lightly.  Several interesting ideas became clear during the first part of our discussion on fear and failure. Now, we consider why the mere possibility of failure can be so difficult to manage and discuss how we often get in the way of our own progress. In addition to sharing real-world examples, we also offer a helpful exercise for loosening that tight grip on the big things in life.  Here are some of the discussion points from this episode:   We have to learn to navigate “what if I fail?” so that we keep moving toward our goals and dreams. Failure and judgment are closely related.  When we ruminate and let negative thoughts run free, our bodies react as though we're actually under threat, which can reinforce the negativity. Because fear of failure can include other fears, such as fear of rejection, we experience an increased sense of risk. Failure to acknowledge a fear makes it difficult to manage the risks.  Fear can tell us a lot about ourselves. The “Three Column Exercise” is a great resource because it gives your fears a voice.  Take an inventory of your resources. Most likely, they will be more plentiful than you think and can help ease some of the fear you may be feeling.  Fear can shrink your focus and your view of what's real, but lightening your grip on the fear allows clarity to come into view.  Once we're clear on what we fear, we can ask: What is to be addressed? What is to be healed? What is to be tackled? These questions naturally lead to “What's at stake?” And that is the question we examine next time in our series, “Riding the Waves.” Thank you for listening!   JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured    

Welcome back and thank you for joining Juanita Molano Parra and me as we examine what comes up, what opens up, and what becomes available when we hold big ideas, big feelings, and big problems a little more lightly. This is an approach to well-being that begins with a question and often leads to other questions. But, if the answers can help us loosen our grip on those big scary things, then it becomes a bit easier to ride the turbulent emotional waves.   This episode in our series introduces the question, “what if I fail?” We explore why the concept of failure is hard and what gets in the way of healthy processing. We also offer real-life examples to provide context. Here are a few observations from our discussion: Facing fear of failure is easier when you're not facing it alone because it can create a new intentionality or a new framework for moving forward.  Self sabotage can deceptively take the form of something worthwhile. Changing expectations can change fear levels and create more room to fail.  Can judgment provide meaning? When we have a death grip on the big things, it can be helpful to speak them aloud. Thank you for listening! Join us again next time for the second part of our deep dive into “what if I fail?” THE TREASURED JOURNAL Getting your thoughts out of your head and down on the page is a simple act that can change your life. The questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help you explore the big feelings in your life. Learn more at https://danielleireland.com/journal. JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

Thank you for joining Juanita Molano Parra and me for our continuing series, “Riding the Waves.” We are looking at several questions designed to help us navigate big feelings, big situations, and big questions. We know that holding these big things lightly can make them less overwhelming and more approachable. Even better, new things become accessible and possible when we hold the challenging things lightly. Here are some observations as we continue our discussion of, “What should I do?” “Experiencing” the result of a plan (rather than just  “executing” a plan) is an example of a new thing becoming accessible. “Should” can cast a shadow. That shadow is probably some form of discomfort that we don't want to acknowledge. When discomfort is acknowledged—and the grip on the discomfort is lightened—then it's easier to see what we know to do, what we're ready to do, and what we want to do.  We can be more comfortable with the discomfort of others when we don't make their discomfort about us. There's a lot of control wrapped up in “should.”  Thank you for listening. Tune in next week for our discussion of “What if I fail?” JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share.  Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured      

Welcome back as Juanita Molano Parra and I explore the next question in our series, “Riding the Waves.” In this series, we are looking at several questions as a way to navigate big feelings, big situations, and big questions. We're considering how to hold these big things lightly so that they are less overwhelming and scary… and more approachable. New things become accessible and possible when we hold the challenging things lightly, and it's those new possibilities we hope to reveal.  In the first of this two-part discussion on “What Should I Do,” we zoom in on all the work being done by the word “should.” Here are just a few our observations: Where does “should” come from? What gets in the way of purposeful “shoulds”?  In many cases, “what should I do” is not defining the next step in a plan. Instead, “should” is used as an avoidance tactic. “Should” can be rooted in perfectionism and control. “What should I do?” is very different from “this is what I am going to do.” What do I know to do? What am I ready to do? What do I want to do? And, how do those questions stack up next to:  What do I know? What am I ready for? What do I want?  Thank you for listening! THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal The one tool I recommend to all of my therapy clients is journaling. Getting your thoughts out of your head and down on the page is a simple act that can change your life. I made the Treasured Journal for anyone who wants to dig a little deeper but doesn't know where to start. The questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help support you in exploring the big feelings in your life. Learn more about this specially designed journal and its companion Meditation Series at https://danielleireland.com/journal. JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co Phone - 317.969.7363 DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share.  Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured      

Juanita and I are excited to be back with the next episode in our miniseries, Riding the Waves. The logical first question, “where should I start,” has prompted a lot of discussion around finding confidence in the uncertainty of big feelings and big situations. Here are some of the topics we address:: Starting Messy: It's okay if your beginning feels imperfect—give yourself permission to start anyway. Getting Stuck: Negative self-talk and the fear of how things might turn out can stop us before we take even the first step. Plans vs. Uncertainty: We often collapse “how is it going to go?” with “how is it going to turn out?” They're not the same. Learn to separate them. Navigating with a Map or a Compass: Some people need a detailed plan or map, while others are comfortable just knowing which way is north.    Art and Science of New Beginnings: Where do intuition and logic meet? Balancing creativity with practicality can help us step into the unknown with more confidence. Handling Misalignment: It's normal for reality to differ from your vision or dream. What matters is learning from past experiences and trusting that you can handle whatever comes your way. The “Why” and “The Plan”: Understanding your “why” clarifies the right next step. Gaining clarity can help build self-esteem and self-awareness, even in uncertain times. Holding Plans Lightly: A light touch avoids rigid thinking and attachment to things you can't control. This was such a fun conversation! Tune in next week as we continue to explore the paradox of holding on and letting go, and how to ride the emotional waves that come with new beginnings.  VISIT DANIELLE'S WEBSITE  If you'd like more content like this and you want to stay in the know, hop on over to my website (https://danielleireland.com/) and hit subscribe. You will always be up to date on the latest learning material, my blog, and other meaningful content. Just click on the website so that you never miss out.   JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co Phone - 317.969.7363 DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured            

Hello! I'm excited to be back with the 16th season of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs podcast! This season—all season—I am joined by Juanita Molano Parra, an experienced life and leadership coach. Together, we are going to examine ways to navigate big feelings, big situations, and big questions. More specifically, we'll consider what becomes possible and available when we hold big ideas lightly. Our conversations will focus on looking for ways to make the harder, more challenging times in life feel more approachable, less confusing and scary. In each episode we'll name a topic, explore why it is hard to deal with, and call out the things that get in the way of clarity. We'll share real-life experiences, including many of our own. Instead of offering hard and fast solutions, we will discuss practices, habits, and ideas for you to explore. In other words, we won't be making the emotional waves smaller, but we will provide ways for you to feel more confident stepping into the water and seeing where the ride takes you. RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE TO “DON'T CUT YOUR OWN BANGS” Like your favorite recipe or song, the best things in life are shared. When you rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast, your engagement helps me connect with other listeners just like you. Plus, subscriptions just make life easier for everybody. It's one less thing for you to think about and you can easily stay up to date on everything that's new. So, please rate, review, and subscribe today.  JUANITA MOLANO PARRA, MBA, PCC Juanita is an engineer and MBA turned certified life and leadership coach. Originally from Colombia, she worked in multinational corporate finance and later started her own coaching business—training new coaches and partnering with organizations to transform culture and leadership from within. Her business, Jump Coaching, helps leaders live authentically, lead with purpose, and turn their dreams into reality. Juanita lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their daughter, and two cats.   Jump Coaching - www.jumpcoaching.co Jump Start newsletter - https://www.jumpcoaching.co/newsletter LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/juanitamp/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jumpcoaching.co/ Email - juanita@jumpcoaching.co Phone - 317.969.7363 DANIELLE IRELAND, LCSW Thank you for your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website - https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack - https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog - https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured    

Please note: This episode includes a discussion of pregnancy and miscarriage.   Our series on “The Right Kind of Hard” would not be complete without an examination of radical acceptance. It's probably the hardest to do, which makes it the rightest of the hardest to do. Ultimately, I think, the degree of difficulty makes radical acceptance most worthy of our energy and exploration.   How does radical acceptance apply to everything that we've explored so far? Why is it hard? Why do we avoid it? What does it really mean?  When we're faced with a new reality that we don't like — a reality that hurts — we often try to negotiate with that reality. We focus on what was or what we think should have been, or we create a future that is not based in reality.   Our other option is to recognize that our new reality is the right kind of hard. Only after we allow ourselves to sit with the discomfort can we accept it and perhaps even embrace it because only then can we see that we have choices.  As always, thank you so much for listening. I hope you've found value in this series on “The Right Kind of Hard.” I'll be back with new episodes in July after taking a short break. In the meantime, give yourself a therapeutic experience: feed the birds, tell jokes, make bad art, be silly. Let yourself play. RESOURCES  Listener's Favorite (ep. 35): You Are Not Alone. A Miscarriage Solocast  https://dontcutyourownbangs.libsyn.com/listeners-favorite-ep-35-you-are-not-alone-a-miscarriage-solocast  FOLLOW DANIELLE ON SUBSTACK I'm now on Substack and I'd love for you to check it out. Substack is its own platform that is teeming with my favorite thought leaders, writers, and authors—incredible people out in the world who are asking interesting questions and exploring interesting answers. I'm throwing my hat in the ring and putting engaging content out there, too. So, click the link (https://danielleireland.substack.com/) to subscribe. You'll stay up to date and never miss out on the best new material.  CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website: https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured    

Pursuing a goal. Chasing a dream. Improving your life. You're working hard to achieve something, but how do you know if you're making progress or even if you're on the right track? My goal is to help you answer these questions with our series, “The Right Kind of Hard.”   This exploration hinges on a specific quote. (I think I heard it from Wayne Dyer.) Here it is: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” It's a smart take on perspective. Let's use it to view unconditional love from a different angle.   People often refer to unconditional love as the pinnacle, the ultimate love. But think about your relationships. Do healthy relationships rely on structure, rules, and boundaries? If so, what does that tell us about unconditional love? Can unconditional love co-exist with conditions? What conditions help you thrive? I invite you to join me in re-thinking one of our most cherished assumptions as we continue to pursue the right kind of hard.   As always, thank you for listening.  RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE I strongly believe that the best things in life are shared. And one of the best ways for you and I to share is for you to rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast. Your feedback tells me what you like and what you want more of. It helps make the podcast easier for others to find me and helps me create a podcast that's better for you. Plus, subscriptions just make life easier for everybody. It's one less thing for you to think about and you can easily keep up to date on everything new. So, please rate, review, and subscribe today.  CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website: https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal NEW! Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured      

Our series on “the right kind of hard” has made clear the need to actively take breaks. When I'm in the middle of processing something—whether I'm cooking up a new idea or trying to keep an idea alive or trying to push something over the finish line—I want to honor the process and let things rest when needed. Taking a pause actually can be the most effective way to move forward.  So I'm taking a moment to pause and reflect and use a more consistent and deliberate way of checking in with myself. Perhaps you need a pause, too. If so, here are a few questions to consider. Think about them. Jot them down. Maybe even turn them into a journal exercise. 1 - How much time have I spent on (or avoiding) this thing?  2 - Have I defined what progress looks and feels like?   3 - Do I have or need an accountability buddy?   4 - How am I feeling before, during, and after?  5 - What do I really, really want?   Balancing creativity and ambition with periods of pause can help us maintain focus and momentum without becoming overwhelmed. So, if you want to reignite your creative spark or simply find a healthier pace in life, join me as we explore the transformative power of taking a break, a concept far more beneficial than mere rest.  Thanks for listening! THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal I believe in the power of journaling to achieve the clarity needed for personal growth. It's just that simple. The questions, prompts, and sentence stems in The Treasured Journal will help guide you as you examine the important themes in your life. Learn more about this specially designed journal and its companion, the Meditation Series, at https://danielleireland.com/journal. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website: https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal NEW! Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

This season we are exploring “the right kind of hard,” which is all about identifying and doing the most relevant and useful work for personal and professional growth. So, I am thrilled to sit down with my dear friend, Lindsay Boccardo, who is perfectly suited for this topic.   As someone who makes her living developing leaders and teams and great work environments, Lindsay is acutely familiar with key questions around motivation, mindset, and self-awareness—many of the same questions we're tackling here this season.  Lindsay is both engaged and engaging, fun, and a wealth of knowledge. She shares stories and insights that draw on her expertise as a coach, speaker, and trainer. One of the things I love most about Lindsay is her ability to distill complex ideas into a simple, actionable framework for growth. So, get ready for some tangible takeaways that you can apply to your own journey.   I also want to encourage you to visit Lindsay's website. She has some exciting new offerings like "The Band" and "Dynamite Delivery," both of which are focused on advancing careers through emotional intelligence and developing communication skills.   Let me know what you think about this discussion and your own experiences with “the right kind of hard.” And, as always, thanks for listening!  CONNECT WITH LINDSAY BOCCARDO Website - https://www.lindsayboccardo.com/ The Band - https://www.practicewithlindsay.com/ Dynamite Delivery with Lindsay Boccardo - https://micdropworkshop.com/product/dynamite-delivery-with-lindsay-boccardo/ SUBSCRIBE TO MY WEBSITE  If you'd like more content like this and you want to stay in the know, hop on over to my website (https://danielleireland.com/) and hit subscribe. There you will always be up to date on the latest learning material, my blog, and other content. Just click on the website so that you never miss out.   CONNECT WITH ME  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website: https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal NEW! Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

I hope you have a teacher in your life who means as much to you as Dr. Michael O'Hara means to me. He is a wonderful mentor and a lovely person. If you're wondering why I gush over him in my introduction, you will understand as our discussion unfolds.  Michael and I can easily pick up where we left off even when we haven't seen each other in a while. That's how we begin this interview, but trust me, our talk of the theatre dovetails perfectly into “The Right Kind of Hard.”  We explore so many key concepts—from the importance of fundamentals to manufacturing accountability, and seemingly everything in between. I hope you find this as inspirational and eye-opening as I did.  I'm so pleased to introduce you to my friend, Dr. Michael O'Hara. Thank you for listening. “As long as I have want, I have reason for living. Satisfaction is death.” –George Bernard Shaw __________________________ THE MUNCIE CIVIC THEATRE The Muncie Civic Theatre proudly presents “Fiddler on the Roof.” Get tickets at the link below to catch one of the final performances of this beloved musical! Thursday, April 25 - Sunday, April 28 https://munciecivic.org/ THE ANONYMOUS ENSEMBLE https://anonymousensemble.org/ ELIZABETH GILBERT Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear https://www.amazon.com/Big-Magic-Creative-Living-Beyond/dp/1594634726 SIMON SINEK Start with Why https://simonsinek.com/books/start-with-why/ THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal I believe in the power of journaling to achieve the clarity needed for personal growth. It's just that simple. When you start journaling, it's not essential that you use The Treasured Journal—a plain sheet of paper will do. But, the questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help guide you as you examine the important themes in your life. Learn more about this specially designed journal and its companion Meditation Series at https://danielleireland.com/journal. CONNECT WITH ME  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website: https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal NEW! Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured        

In a recent substack, I wrote about “Falling, Farting & Misspelled Words.” Why? Well, because our fears and insecurities are not unique to us. We are all special, but our hangups are not. It's an important topic, but kind of a funny one, too! We tend to think that our pain is too deep and personal to share. We think others simply won't understand or can't know how we feel. So, we bury our pain. We mask it, self-medicate, go shopping—anything to avoid it. But, in doing so, we also avoid the hard thing that could get us back on track.   This episode expands on my substack essay and even includes a quick and creative visual exercise for looking fear in the face. It's part of our special series, “The Right Kind of Hard.” It's about understanding that we will not be cast out into The Great Void if we fall or fart or misspell a word.  Sharing our fears, insecurities, and pain—and really facing them—is healing and transformative. That's what the right kind of hard is all about. Thank you for listening!  I'M ON SUBSTACK I'm now on Substack and I'd love for you to check it out. Substack is its own platform that is teeming with my favorite thought leaders, writers, and authors—incredible people out in the world who are asking interesting questions and exploring interesting answers. I'm throwing my hat in the ring and putting engaging content out there, too. So, click the link (https://danielleireland.substack.com/) to subscribe. You'll stay up to date and never miss out on the best new material.  CONNECT WITH ME  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website: https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured          

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're avoiding a topic or a task? You feel an uncomfortable twist in your gut or maybe you notice it in someone else, like when they're fidgeting or avoiding eye contact at the start of a conversation.  Trust me, we've all been there. And often, we're not quite sure if we're avoiding the thing because we're just not ready to face it or if we're actually preparing ourselves for the challenge ahead.   The good news is there's a way to make the discomfort work for you. But first, you need to understand the distinction between the right kind of hard and the wrong kind. The right kind of hard acknowledges the discomfort. It helps you inch your way into it even if you're not sure what is on the other side. It's about being real with yourself, even when it's tough.  On the flip side, the wrong kind of hard is all about pretending. Toxic positivity, delusional thinking—basically telling yourself (and others) a story to avoid the real conversation. The wrong kind leads to unnecessary suffering. In this miniseries on “The Right Kind of Hard,” we will learn how to identify the right kind from the wrong kind and how to get plugged into useful work so that we can move along a path that helps us grow.  I'm so glad you're here as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Thank you for listening! SUBSCRIBE TO MY WEBSITE  If you'd like more content like this and you want to stay in the know, hop on over to my website (https://danielleireland.com/) and hit subscribe. There you will always be up to date on the latest learning material, my blog, and other content. Just click on the website so that you never miss out.   THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal I believe in the power of journaling to achieve the clarity needed for personal growth. It's just that simple. When you start journaling, it's not essential that you use The Treasured Journal—a plain sheet of paper will do. But, the questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help guide you as you examine the important themes in your life. Learn more about this specially designed journal and its companion, the Meditation Series, at https://danielleireland.com/journal. CONNECT WITH ME  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website: https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal NEW! Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured              

Welcome back to a brand new season of “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs!”  Diving back into podcasting after a bit of a hiatus—actually, diving back into anything after a hiatus—can prompt procrastination and cold feet, especially when life has dramatically changed in the meantime. Have you experienced that, too? Late last year my husband and I had a second child—a baby boy—and his older sister is now a “threenager!” So, as I sit down in front of the microphone again, well, there is a lot going on. Some moments are hard, but it's a beautiful kind of chaos with unexpected turns and occasions of pure joy.  Through it all, I'm seeing a theme emerge and many of my clients are experiencing something similar. We're willing to do the hard work to improve ourselves, our parenting, our relationships, and our careers. But, are we investing in “the right kind of hard?” Is the work serving us and helping us be the best we can be? How do we know if we're on the right path? We will focus on this universal theme in a series of new episodes that include personal stories, engaging guests, practical exercises, journal prompts, and more. So, if you're feeling stuck or looking for direction, tune into the series and we'll figure it out together.  I'm eager to get going on this new season of “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” and I'm thrilled that you're along for the ride. Thank you for listening! NEW! I'M ON SUBSTACK I'm now on Substack and I'd love for you to check it out. Substack is its own platform that is teeming with my favorite thought leaders, writers, and authors—incredible people who are asking interesting questions and exploring interesting answers. I'm throwing my hat in the ring and putting engaging content out there, too. So, click the link (https://danielleireland.substack.com/) to subscribe. You'll stay up to date and never miss out on the best new material.  CONNECT WITH ME  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the “Don't Cut Your Own Bangs” community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. You can connect with me at any of the links below. Website: https://danielleireland.com/ The Treasured Journal: https://danielleireland.com/journal NEW! Substack: https://danielleireland.substack.com/ Blog: https://danielleireland.com/blog/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/danielleireland_lcsw Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/danielleireland.LCSW Podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@danielleireland8218/featured

We're wrapping up our "Journal Your Way to Clarity'' series with an examination of purpose, which can feel like a very heavy weight for many of us. You are not alone if you've struggled with questions like, "What am I supposed to do with my life?" or "How do I make my life meaningful?"  As a therapist, I've observed that people often struggle with defining their purpose because it's not just about a career or a role—it's about the totality of our experiences and values. And purpose evolves as our lives change, so the same questions arise during different life stages.  Journaling about past jobs, relationships, hobbies, and the things that “light us up” can uncover common threads and values that help us visualize our purpose. But purpose is also about how others see us. Asking people you trust for their perspectives can provide valuable understanding of the impact you have on those around you. So I invite you to participate in the exercises discussed in this episode. You might just find that you are the best gift you unwrapped this holiday season.  Thank you for listening! I'm looking forward to all that we will explore together in 2024! THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal It's not essential that you use The Treasured Journal for the exercises discussed in the “Journal Your Way to Clarity” series. A plain pad of paper will do. But, the questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help you examine important themes in your life so that you can gain the type of clarity that comes from meaningful self-reflection. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with questions, comments, or anything you'd like to share. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback is invaluable.  Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW

Family. The dynamics can be so very complex. As we dive into the next-to-last life theme in our series from The Treasured Journal, we look at how structured communication exercises can uncover new perspectives and deepen interactions with family.  We also explore the importance of curiosity. A shared history can create a trap that leaves you feeling like there is nothing new to know, nothing new to learn. But, setting your assumptions aside and digging a little deeper can have tremendous rewards.  To foster this curiosity, our journaling exercise encourages you to adopt a mindset of "not knowing." This frees you to reflect on diverse expressions of love that you have received and helps you understand how you, in turn, express love to others.  Thank you for listening to the latest episode of the “Journal Your Way to Clarity" series. Be sure to tune in next time when we finish up the series with ways to use journaling to identify your purpose.  THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal It's not essential that you use The Treasured Journal for these exercises. A plain pad of paper will do. But, the questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal—along with this series of podcasts—will help you examine the important themes in your life  so that you can gain the type of clarity that comes from meaningful self-reflection. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you'd like to share. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback is invaluable.  Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW    

Sex is the focus of Part 5 in our “Journaling Your Way to Clarity” series, which follows the seven life themes from The Treasured Journal:  career, relationships, money, love, sex, family, and purpose. Because sex is such a broad topic, we'll narrow the scope to our relationship with pleasure and give special emphasis to the idea of worthiness. Do you believe you are worthy and deserving of the experiences you want to have?  Sex is an especially good topic for journaling because an honest, raw examination of worthiness requires an open and vulnerable conversation between you and you. As a lead-in to our discussion, I share the joy that I found when I put down the self-help books and work-related reading and instead took up a fictional journey where the details fly off the page and the characters come to life in my mind. I'm not reading the words so much as watching the story unfold! I also give a quick update on Life with Lucas. David and I are starting to find a rhythm, but these early days as the mother in a four-person family have been challenging, surprising, and joyful!  As you can see, pleasure can take many forms. I hope you'll join me for the guided writing exercises in this episode so that you can find the pleasure that you deserve. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal You don't have to use The Treasured Journal for these exercises. A plain pad of paper will do. But, the questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal—along with this series of podcasts—will help you examine the important themes in your life so that you can gain the type of clarity that comes from meaningful self-reflection. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement in the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you'd like to share. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback is invaluable.  Thank you for listening! CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW    

Hello! If you've been following along you know that I've been away having and taking care of our new baby boy. I am so excited to be back in front of the microphone again bringing you fresh, new content. In a future episode, I will share more on our unexpected but welcome pregnancy, the labor and delivery, and the unexpected but welcome challenges that arise in caring for two young children instead of only one!  Until then, we're continuing the “Journal Your Way to Clarity” series with the next theme: love. Our focus is on self-love and its impact on relationships. So, we start off with this beautiful quote that I pulled from The Treasured Journal: “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” - Rupi Kaur I invite you to think about or write about this thought-provoking prompt: "If I loved myself more fully, I would..."  Journaling can be mightily effective because it allows us to be free and honest. We don't have to perform for others. We're not obligated to play a role. We can think and consider and be who we truly are and how we truly feel. This makes journaling an unparalleled tool for self-reflection and insight. So I encourage you to join in on the exercises in this series. And be sure to check out the next episode in the series when we explore the topic of sex and its interconnectedness with various aspects of our lives.   It is so good to be back! Thank you for listening! RESOURCES and MENTIONS Rupi Kaur - https://rupikaur.com/ The Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer - https://stepheniemeyer.com/the-books/ Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer - https://stepheniemeyer.com/midnight-sun-2020/ A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas - https://sarahjmaas.com/books/a-court-of-thorns-and-roses-series/a-court-of-thorns-and-roses  THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Whether you use The Treasured Journal or a plain pad of paper, journaling can help you see yourself, and your situation, more clearly. If you opt for the journal, you'll get useful questions, prompts, and sentence starters that perfectly complement the concepts discussed in this series.  CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you'd like to share. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback is invaluable.  Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

They say that “money makes the world go round” because it's necessary to meet our basic needs. But another truth lurks within financial transactions:  money carries with it a tremendous amount of emotional weight. Our upbringing and our experiences with money shape our perspective and perception of its worth. So it's useful to examine how money influences our moods and behavior, our relationships, and even our own sense of self. Toward the end of the episode, use the thought exercises to better understand how money makes you feel—both as a giver and a receiver. I recommend that you combine these exercises with journaling, especially if money is having an adverse effect on your well-being. For journaling, a plain pad of paper will do. But, if you want a guided journaling experience, get The Treasured Journal, which includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems that will help you open up and get your thoughts flowing.  THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Thank you for listening. This special series is designed to help you clarify how your life is shaped by your career, relationships, love, sex, money, family, and purpose.  If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of the program for you and makes it easier for other listeners to find us. This episode originally aired as #120 on March 20, 2023. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

Hello! Grab a warm beverage and settle in. We're continuing our discussion of relationships as part of the Journal Your Way to Clarity series. Relationships can cover a lot of territory. But, for now, I want to focus on two specific concepts:  (1) how relationships are like mirrors, and (2) the relationship fear loop. The complexities of relationships can be confusing and maddening and difficult to sort given the intense emotions attached to the people in our lives. But I have found that journaling can help us learn to advocate for our needs, create space when necessary, and navigate challenging conversations with a new sense of confidence and self-awareness. This is why I recommend journaling to almost everyone! Whether you use The Treasured Journal or simply a plain pad of paper, journaling can help you see yourself, and your situation, more clearly. If you opt for the journal, you'll get useful questions, prompts, and sentence starters that perfectly complement the concepts discussed in this series.  Click for THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Thank you for listening. This episode originally aired as #117 on February 6, 2023. I greatly appreciate your support and engagement as part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you'd like to share. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback is invaluable. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW    

Welcome to the next installment in the Journal Your Way to Clarity series. This is the first of a two-part look at relationships, a topic that tends to dominate our thoughts and conversations.  Whether it's the heartache, frustration, or anger that we feel toward a partner or someone else in our lives, these emotions usually reveal the need for work that looks inward, not outward.  The desire to be seen and heard—to connect with others on a meaningful level—is universal. But achieving that type of connection hinges on our ability to define what "being there" truly means.  So, when journaling about relationships, I encourage you to start with the following prompts:  What do I really feel? What do I really want? How can I satisfy that for myself with some small action? For this series of exercises, you don't have to use The Treasured Journal—a plain pad of paper will do. But if you do use the journal, you can take advantage of questions, prompts, and sentence stems to move past the blank page and gain the type of clarity that comes from meaningful self-reflection. Pick up THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Thank you for listening. This episode originally aired as #116 on January 30, 2023. Thank you for being part of the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs community. I appreciate your support and engagement. Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you'd like to share. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback is invaluable.  BOOKS I'M READING (visit your local bookseller or library): Spare by Prince Harry - https://www.amazon.com/Spare-Prince-Harry-Duke-Sussex/dp/0593593804 The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, MD with Daniel Maté - https://www.amazon.com/Myth-Normal-Illness-Healing-Culture/dp/0593083881 Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy - https://www.goodinside.com/book/ The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron - https://juliacameronlive.com/books-by-julia/ CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

Hello! Well, a lot has happened since we last connected. Let me bring you up to date. In January of this year, I decided to devote a series of podcast episodes to the seven life themes found in The Treasured Journal:  career, relationships, money, love, sex, family, and purpose. I recorded and published episodes on three of the seven themes and invited listeners to journal along with me.  The ideas and questions discussed in each podcast supplied listeners with guided exercises that helped them go deeper and explore the themes further. The “Journal Your Way to Clarity” series was going well, and then… I found out I was pregnant! Somehow, the excitement of the pregnancy, the need to make room for a fourth human in our house, and all the other planning activities commandeered my brain. So now, in October, after giving birth to our sweet baby boy and taking time off to focus on my family, I am ready to re-engage with the podcast and the “Journal Your Way to Clarity” series. I am so excited to be back and can't wait to get in front of the microphone again! To level set, I'm going to start by replaying the episodes that were published previously and then I'll be back with fresh content for the remaining themes.  In Part 1 of the series, I focus on career. People tend to have a lot of unconscious bias, complicated feelings, and self-identity wrapped up in their careers. So it's worth examining through journaling how we perceive its value and its effect on us. Journaling is one of the most powerful tools we have for gaining clarity and understanding. Whether you're experienced at journaling or brand new to it, I encourage you to take advantage of these guided exercises to explore the seven themes in your life.   You can get a copy of THE TREASURED JOURNAL here: https://danielleireland.com/journal It's not essential that you use The Treasured Journal for these exercises—a plain pad of paper and pen will do. But, along with this series of podcasts, the questions, prompts, and sentence stems in the journal will help you move past the blank page and gain the type of clarity that comes from meaningful self-reflection. Thank you for listening to the Don't Cut Your Own Bangs podcast. This episode originally aired as #115 on January 23, 2023. BOOKS MENTIONED The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, MD with Daniel Maté - https://www.amazon.com/Myth-Normal-Illness-Healing-Culture/dp/0593083881 Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey - https://thenapministry.com Spare by Prince Harry - https://www.amazon.com/Spare-Prince-Harry-Duke-Sussex/dp/0593593804 CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW

Even with all of the progress we've made in our attitudes toward mental health and therapy, many people still find it hard to admit that they need help. And often, if they do ask for help, they've waited far too long.  Granted, therapy is not the only modality for emotional healing. Talking with friends, exercise, travel, and dozens of other things can help the healing process. But, only therapy is therapy.  Most of us look long and hard for reasons to avoid therapy. But, ultimately, THINKING about starting therapy is way harder than ACTUALLY starting therapy, and it's because of these three myths.  1 - Something is wrong with me. (Not true.) 2 - I have failed. (Again, not true.) 3 - I have to know why I want it to start it. (No, you don't.) Feeling the need to suck it up, to swallow our pain, to push through the hard times on our own is not only unnecessary, it also can be quite harmful.  If you've been thinking about starting therapy, don't wait until the walls are crashing down around you. Taking that first step is easier than you think. If starting therapy seems scary and disempowering, consider this—therapy can be whatever you want it to be.  Thank you for listening.  ++++++++++++ For me and many others, journaling has been a life-changing practice. Sometimes you can grab a pen and any sheet of paper and the thoughts flow easily. But if you're feeling blocked and having trouble finding the clarity you need, consider using the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you organize your thoughts and feelings. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  This episode originally aired as #111 on November 7, 2022. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW

Lauren Rieker, RDN, is a registered dietitian and owner/manager of Collaborative Counseling & Nutrition, an outpatient nutrition and body image counseling center in Indianapolis. I talk with Lauren about her own history with food, exercise, and health—and how it led her to pursue an approach to eating disorders, body image, and intuitive eating that emphasizes compassion, mindfulness, and holistic treatment. This is not a typical discussion about our bodies and food-related struggles. In today's environment, virtually all women are affected by pervasive messaging—and often misinformation—about body weight, size, and shape. So, I hope you will join us as Lauren shares her experience and perspective on these and related topics: intuitive eating, eating disorders versus disordered eating, conventional diet culture and health outcomes, trusting our bodies, and combining therapy services and nutrition for healthy living. Thank you for listening! CONNECT WITH LAUREN Website: Collab-counseling.com  Instagram: @laurenrieker.rd ++++++++++++++++++ For me and many others, journaling has been a life-changing practice. Sometimes you can grab a pen and any sheet of paper and the thoughts flow easily. But if you're feeling blocked and having trouble finding the clarity you need, consider using the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you organize your thoughts and feelings. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  This episode originally aired as #109 on October 17, 2022. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

Women have always known that building community with other women creates a powerful force for good. Leslie Bailey, the co-founder and CEO of Indy Maven and Maven Space, has transformed that knowledge into a lifestyle media company and community for women that epitomizes her spirit of collaboration, support, and inspiration.  I love the wisdom and vulnerability that she brings to our discussion on managing success, giving away too much of yourself, setting boundaries, asking for help, and understanding that self-care is about more than bubble baths. This is an invaluable discussion for anyone who has ever felt overwhelmed, in need of support, or out of control despite their achievements. Thank you for listening! CONNECT WITH LESLIE and INDY MAVEN Indy Maven Website: https://indymaven.com/ Maven Space website: https://mavenspace.co/ Leslie Bailey Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lesalina/ Leslie Bailey Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Lesalina ++++++++++++++++++ For me and many others, journaling has been a life-changing practice. Sometimes you can grab a pen and any sheet of paper and the thoughts flow easily. But if you're feeling blocked and having trouble finding the clarity you need, consider using the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you organize your thoughts and feelings. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  This episode originally aired as #104 on May 16, 2022. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

My guest is an absolute powerhouse of a woman, Betsy Murphy. Betsy is the author of several popular books, including the "Autobiography of an Orgasm" and "Write On: A Daily Writing Practice for Anyone with a Story to Tell."  Betsy is a screenwriter, performer, speaker, writing coach, and guide for women to help retrieve the hidden parts of their stories. She discusses the things most people don't want to talk about, but does so in a way that makes you feel comfortable being part of the conversation.  I found several key takeaways in our discussion, including how gratitude can keep us alive, how feeling it all is necessary, and why we need to pay attention to the footprints. I'm confident you'll find valuable inspiration here, too.  Thank you for listening! CONNECT WITH BETSY MURPHY Website: http://betsybmurphy.com/ Instagram: @Betsybmurphy ++++++++++++++++++ For me and many others, journaling has been a life-changing practice. Sometimes you can grab a pen and any sheet of paper and the thoughts flow easily. But if you're feeling blocked and having trouble finding the clarity you need, consider using the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you organize your thoughts and feelings. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  This episode originally aired as #90 on November 1, 2021. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

Kate Kennett is a mother, SCUBA diver, whale enthusiast, content creator, entrepreneur, and life and business coach who wants to help you realize your passion and expand your reach so that you can live a life you deserve. She is a disruptor in the best sense of the term. As a coach, Kate speaks from experience. She knows the value of taking risks, facing change head-on, learning from mistakes, and saying “yes” even when you don't feel ready. She believes in asking yourself “why” until no more “why” is left. We talk about dreams and goals and how to manage the journey in between. How do we stay inspired? What about the steps needed to get to the goal? Can we just ignore the naysayers? Where can we find accountability? Kate is an absolute delight and her experiences make for great conversation.  Thank you for listening! CONNECT WITH KATE LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/itskate-16a327193/ Instagram -  https://www.instagram.com/content_monkey/?hl=en ++++++++++++++++ For me and many others, journaling has been a life-changing practice. Sometimes you can grab a pen and any sheet of paper and the thoughts flow easily. But if you're feeling jammed up and having trouble finding the clarity you need, consider using the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you organize your thoughts and feelings. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  This episode originally aired as #79 on January 27, 2021.  CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com  Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW

Hello. I invite you to join me as I revisit one of my favorite episodes—a discussion of compassion fatigue and empathy with Liesel Mertes. Liesel is a workplace empathy consultant and founder of Handle with Care Consulting.  The need for compassion and empathy after loss or disruption is vital to every aspect of our lives. Even though this can be a heavy topic, our discussion is light and gentle. I'm confident that anyone whose life and worldview have been disrupted over the last several years will find benefit in Liesel's experience and insight. We also spend time talking about the workplace specifically. Management must reckon with the fact that today's workforce values compassionate leadership and that translates to greater productivity, loyalty, and employee retention. I know you'll appreciate Liesel's expertise as she walks us through several examples of how managers can realize empathy and compassion as essential leadership skills. Thank you for listening! CONNECT WITH LIESEL MERTES Website: https://www.lieselmertes.com/  Podcast: https://www.lieselmertes.com/blog-2  LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lieselmertes/ ++++++++++++++++++ Journaling can be life-changing. Grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper—you might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you're having trouble getting started or sorting out your thoughts, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you make sense of what you're feeling. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  This episode originally aired as #72 on November 23, 2020, and was updated with a new introduction in May 2022 after the tragic school shooting in Uvalde, TX.  CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com  Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW

When doing the emotional work toward healing and recovery, you will at times wonder whether you're on the right path. Eventually and inevitably, you'll ask how you will know when you are “done” or healed. This is an important question, so I want to revisit a discussion that explores what it means to heal, how we can identify areas that need attention, and how we can gauge our progress. I delve into how our bodies can help us pinpoint areas that need healing as well as the nuances that differentiate being triggered from feeling activated. The level of activation we feel with painful emotions—anger, grief, worry, frustration, and sadness—can tell us a lot about where we are on our journey. The less these emotions consume us, the more healed we become. One useful way to gauge our level of activation is through journaling about our relationships, memories, and experiences. If you've tried journaling, but find yourself getting stuck—not knowing what to write or having trouble going deep—I invite you to get a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems that will help you open up so that you can realize the benefits of journaling. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at this link: THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions, comments, or experiences that you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this podcast and makes it easier for new listeners to find us.  Thank you for listening! This episode originally aired as #52 on June 24, 2020.  CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com  Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

We are inundated every day with images and messaging and even well-intentioned remarks that we are not beautiful enough or thin enough or good enough. The cost of consuming, comparing, and self-criticism in our beauty culture is far too high.  But, the good news is that each of us can learn to re-think the images and re-frame the messaging. We really can get to a place where we love the person we see in the mirror. Marianne Talkovski is a licensed acupuncturist and esthetician. As the owner of Project Gorgeous, Marianne focuses on organic skin care and acupuncture for stress relief, healthy aging, and fertility.  Her journey, including her own struggles with our cultural standards of beauty, has fueled a passion for helping her clients prioritize self-care, improve their health and energy, pursue their desires, and love the skin they are in. In this discussion, Marianne explains how our most authentic expression of beauty can be found in radical self-acceptance. We talk about the connection between our emotions and our bodies, the role of awareness in healing, and the way our face reflects the life we live.  I know you'll find some interesting ideas here. Thank you for listening! CONNECT WITH MARIANNE Website - https://projectgorgeous.com/ Instagram -  https://www.instagram.com/projectgorgeousindy/ ++++++++++++++++++ Journaling can be life-changing. Grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper—you might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you're having trouble getting started or sorting out your thoughts, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you make sense of what you're feeling. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us. This episode originally aired as #50 on June 9, 2020. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

At the time of this interview, Corey Sleet worked his magic as a Senior Stylist at Bobby Cooper Salon. Now, Corey is co-owner and Master Stylist at Lux Lab Hair + Body in Carmel, Indiana.   Corey describes how, as a kid growing up in Gary, Indiana, he knew at a very young age that he wanted to be a stylist, but he struggled with how others might perceive that desire so he kept the dream to himself for a long time. Today, Corey is one of the leading professionals in his field and I love the story of how he got here.  I first sat in Corey's chair about a decade ago. I appreciate his unique blend of humor, honesty, and professionalism. We talk about some of my favorite subjects: what it means to have a vision for your future, what happens when doubt sets in, and what it feels like to turn a dream into reality. I know you'll enjoy this fun chat with Corey. Thank you for listening!   CONNECT WITH COREY  Lux Lab Hair + Body: https://luxlab.aurasalonware.com/login Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/luxlabhairandbody/ ++++++++++++++++++ Journaling can be life-changing. Grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper—you might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you're having trouble getting started or sorting out your thoughts, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you make sense of what you're feeling. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us. This episode was originally published as #47 on May 20, 2020. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

Tanorria Askew is a DEI consultant and coach, personal chef, cookbook author, public speaker, podcast co-host, and social justice activist. She is passionate about creating connections and community by gathering people around a dinner table to share a memorable meal and unforgettable conversation.  Growing up, she learned to associate food with community and then, as an adult, worked as a corporate trainer focused on diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI). But her appearance on season 7 of MasterChef with Gordon Ramsey prompted a leap of faith and sent her down a new path as a business owner who uses her many gifts to unite people of disparate races, cultures, and backgrounds. You will love Tanorria's fantastic energy and presence. And I know you'll find hope and inspiration in her commitment to creating inclusive spaces, breaking down barriers, encouraging uncomfortable conversations, and promoting action in the face of injustice.  Thank you for listening! CONNECT WITH TANORRIA Tanorria's Table: https://www.tanorriastable.com/ Black Girls Eating podcast: https://www.blackgirlseating.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tanorriastable/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tanorriastable/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tanorria-askew-5379b255/ Cookbook: Staples + 5: 100 Simple Recipes to Make the Most of Your Pantry: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Tanorria-Askew/author/ ++++++++++++++++++ Journaling can be a life-changing tool. Grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper—you might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you're having trouble getting started or sorting out your thoughts, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you make sense of what you're feeling. You can get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Please feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us. This episode was originally published as #43 on April 27, 2020. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

"becauseOne" is an online platform that connects people's passions with the needs of those served by non-profit organizations. This remarkable initiative sprang from the collaborative vision of sisters Stephany Dolan and Stacia Jones and was driven by their family's desire to strengthen community and make it easier to help others.   We look at how to use becauseOne to get involved with organizations that match your specific areas of interest. And, as part of our discussion about the enthusiasm and challenges around developing their idea, Stephany and Stacia explain how elevating the good being done in the world is a key part of their vision.  I'm excited to bring you this discussion because the platform is transforming how we give while also serving as an antidote to online negativity. With becauseOne, anyone can embrace philanthropy, spread positivity, and witness the direct impact of their contributions.  Thank you for listening! RESOURCES becauseOne website: https://becauseone.com/ Call: 463-444-8301  Email: info@becauseOne.com  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100087037890605 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/becauseone_community/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/becauseone/ ++++++++++++++++++ Journaling can be a life-changing tool. Grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper—you might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you're having trouble getting started or sorting out your thoughts, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you make sense of what you're feeling. You can get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Please feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us. CONNECT WITH DANIELLE Website: danielleireland.com Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

Danielle starts with an update on her pregnancy and ongoing home renovation, recent reading and recommendations, and then shares what listeners can expect from the show this fall while she is getting acquainted with her newborn son. The main focus of the discussion, however, centers on the often daunting task of setting, communicating, and upholding boundaries. Danielle compares the hard work of identifying the need for a boundary and finding the courage to discuss a boundary with the hard work of pregnancy, because, why not? Of course, the most challenging aspect of boundary setting can be upholding the boundary—keeping it alive—especially when faced with resistance or backsliding.   Boundaries have consequences, but managing them successfully is integral to healthy relationships, including your relationship with yourself. So, remember, (1) clear is kind, (2) less is more, and (3) someone else's reaction to your boundary does not change anything about that boundary.  This is an important topic for all of us. Thanks for listening! REFERENCES The Myth of Normal by Daniel Maté and Gabor Maté Tell Me Everything by Minka Kelly  Good Inside by Becky Kennedy, PhD becauseOne - https://becauseone.com/ ++++++++++++++++++ Journaling can be a life-changing tool. Grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper—you might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you're having trouble getting started or sorting out your thoughts, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you make sense of what you're feeling. You can get the journal and its companion meditation guide at the link below. THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Please feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com  Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW

In the second part of their discussion, Danielle and Lindsay Boccardo share stories of formative experiences that have influenced who they are and how they think today.  While Lindsay faced challenges as the youngest person in the room during her early career and worried that she didn't belong, Danielle felt like an outlier as one of the oldest people in her graduate program. But we learn that, with the right mindset, unique or unusual qualities can actually work in your favor.   Lindsay also emphasizes the value of adopting confidence from others and how it can help you push past fear and hesitation until that confidence becomes your own. And, she shares how the doors of communication can swing wide open when you reflect back to others how they show up for you. It's a really fun and smart discussion between two friends who personify support and connection.  Listen to Part 1- https://dontcutyourownbangs.libsyn.com/128-danielle-x-lindsay-boccardo-pt-1-re-post +++++++++++++ REFERENCES Lindsay Boccardo - https://www.lindsayboccardo.com/ Cafe Patachou - https://www.cafepatachou.com/ Brené Brown - https://brenebrown.com/ Glennon Doyle - https://momastery.com/ +++++++++++++++++ Journaling can be a life-changing tool. Grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper—you might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you're having trouble getting started or sorting out your thoughts, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems to help you make sense of what you're feeling. You can get the journal and its companion meditation guide at this link: THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Thank you for listening. Please feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  This episode was originally published as #21 on August 9, 2019.    CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com  Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW  

Danielle is joined by her dear friend Lindsey Boccardo, a certified coach, millennial expert, public speaker, and professional drummer.  Lindsey helps companies hire and retain talent by understanding and focusing on millennials' unique needs and expectations in the workplace. Her training and experience enable her to bridge the gap between generations in the world of business, offering valuable insights while empowering individuals and companies to maximize their potential. This is a fun episode! It just seems like two good friends talking and making each other laugh. But, along the way, they tackle some of life's biggest questions: the difference between sharing and bragging; the roots of perfectionism and procrastination; the effect of unintentionally toxic motivation, and the right way to celebrate a friend's success. Be sure to listen to part 2 of their conversation. ++++++++++++++ REFERENCES Lindsay Boccardo - https://www.lindsayboccardo.com/ Cafe Patachou - https://www.cafepatachou.com/ Brené Brown - https://brenebrown.com/ Glennon Doyle - https://momastery.com/ +++++++++++++++++ Journaling can be a life-changing tool. Grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper—you might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if sorting out your thoughts and feelings is still difficult for you, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems that will help you make sense of what you're feeling. You can get the journal and its companion meditation guide at this link: THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Thank you for listening. Please feel free to reach out with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of this program and makes it easier for others to find us.  This episode was originally published as #20 on August 9, 2019.     CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com  Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW

From corporate marketing to goat yoga, from an 11-year-old urban gardener to a ponytailed farmer, from armoring up to being vulnerable, Erin Peckinpaugh tells an uplifting and inspiring story of growth, connection, and community.  Food scarcity is defined as a lack of consistent access to enough food for every person in a household to live an active, healthy life. This can be a temporary situation for a family or can last a long time. Erin's story introduces us to people in Indianapolis who are tackling this problem with lots of creativity and tons of heart. I guarantee you'll fall in love with everyone you meet along the way.  Thank you for listening! REFERENCES Erin Peckinpaugh: Rise Yoga & Events - https://www.eventbrite.com/o/erin-peckinpaugh-rise-yoga-amp-events-17315204887 The Young Urban Gardener - https://www.facebook.com/theyoungurbangardener/ The Patachou Foundation - https://thepatachoufoundation.org/ The Caprini Creamery - http://caprinicreamery.com/ Traders Point Creamery - https://www.traderspointcreamery.com/ Broad Ripple Farmers Market - https://www.broadrippleindy.org/farmers-market/ Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle  Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert +++++++++++++++++ For me and many others, journaling is a game-changing tool. Just grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper. You might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you continue to struggle sorting out your thoughts and feelings, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems that will help you open up so that you can make sense of what you're feeling. You can get the journal and its companion meditation guide at this link: THE TREASURED JOURNAL - https://danielleireland.com/journal Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions, comments, or experiences that you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of the program for you and makes it easier for other listeners to find us.  This episode was originally published as #34 on February 4, 2020.   CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com  Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW

As I wrap up the “What Now” series, I want to leave you with a few tips to help you deal with the stress that can come with change, decision-making, and the reactions of others.  But first, I need to acknowledge the reality that self-discovery and the actions you take as a result can be challenging for you and for those around you. Always remember that support and connection can play a big role in moving through the process successfully.  Try these tips to deal with the challenging times associated with change as well as the plain old stressors that you encounter in everyday life:  Tip 1: Engage your senses Tip 2: Break tasks into small steps Tip 3: Use timers to make it easier to start and maintain focus  I hope you have benefitted from this series as much as I've enjoyed bringing it to you. Thank you for listening! RESOURCES MENTIONED Spotify Playlist: Brain Food Meditation App: Insight Timer JOURNALING Journaling can be a game-changing tool. Just grab a pen and put your thoughts on paper. You might be amazed by how much it helps. But, if you continue to struggle with sorting out your thoughts and feelings, consider getting a copy of the Treasured Journal. The Treasured Journal includes questions, prompts, and sentence stems that will help you make sense of what you're feeling. Get the journal and its companion meditation guide at this link: The Treasured Journal - https://danielleireland.com/journal THANK YOU FOR LISTENING  Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions, comments, or experiences you want to share. I would love to hear from you! If you liked this episode, please rate, review, and subscribe. Your feedback helps me increase the value of the program for you and makes it easier for other listeners to find us.  CONNECT WITH DANIELLE  Website: danielleireland.com  Instagram: @danielleireland_LCSW Facebook: @danielleireland_LCSW