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Heroes are sometimes hard to identify because they don't look like heroes. In the first episode of this new series, Max helps us peer into a Roman prison cell at a man who was a Christian killer before he was a Christian leader, and reminds us that while none of us are perfect, we're in the hands of a perfect God. Max's new book, You Were Made for This Moment, is available now wherever books are sold online and in-store. To learn more, visit: YouWereMadeForThisMoment.comSign up today!faith gateway.com/moment

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 120, “The Best Relationship Advice From This Summer.” Did summer go by too quickly for you? It did for me. “Summer deserves a speeding ticket,” as someone once said. Another author commented, “A fallen leaf is nothing more than a summer's wave goodbye.” Before we wave goodbye to summer, and to season 5 of this podcast, I want to share the best relationship advice I came across this past summer. Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young It comes from Sarah Young's devotional book, Jesus Calling. For each day of the year, Young shares her application of two or three Bible verses to encourage people with the hope found in scripture. There are lots of books like this. But what makes her book unique is that it's written in the first-person narrative as if Jesus himself was speaking directly to the reader. I find it quite intimate and personal. Young's entry for August 3rd contains for me, the best relationship advice of this past summer. It's just two paragraphs that I'll start reading, making a few observations as we go. August 3rd entry Picture Jesus calling to you with these words: WATCH YOUR WORDS DILIGENTLY. Words have such great power to bless or to wound. When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. My first observation is that it's interesting to think we damage ourselves when we're negative or careless with our words. In doing so, we move away from the best version of ourself. For the best version of ourself is cautious about the harm we can do to someone. There are times when it is appropriate to deal with the negative in another person, but to do it positively, and carefully. Like a parent correcting a child. Like a friend who shares something negative they observe in you, but who does it in a kind and gentle way to help you become more the person God created you to be. Sarah Young goes on to write, speaking as Jesus, The ability to verbalize is an awesome privilege, granted only to those I created in my image. You need help in wielding this mighty power responsibly. Humans are the only creatures who can bless - or wound - with our words. We're the only ones with language. It's one of the things that makes us human. And we certainly do need help in handling this power we've been give to bless or wound people. Communicate differently from the rest of the world She continues, Though the world applauds quick-witted retorts, My instructions about communication are quite different: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. “ So many comedy TV shows are filled with quick, sarcastic retorts. It's hard to follow sometimes. I picture writers for these TV shows in meetings all clamoring to get their sarcastic one-liner responses into the scripts, and so they add one after the other after the other. But that's not how we talk. It's not how we live. The reference to "be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" is one of my favorites in the Bible. I conduct workshops on this passage from James 1:19, suggesting 5 principles of being quick to listen, and another 5 for what it means to be slow to speak. We'll talk about these in future episodes. I've said this before, but what passes for communication skills in our culture today, is almost always about how and what to speak. Precious little on how to listen. The best one-word prayer: Help! Back to Jesus talking to us: Ask MY Spirit to help you whenever you speak. I have trained you to pray - “Help me, Holy Spirit” - before answering the phone, and you have seen the benefits of this discipline. This so reminds me of Anne Lamont's book about prayer, Help, Thanks, Wow. Help is the most basic of prayers. Sarah Young goes on to say, Simply apply the same discipline to communicating with people around you. If they are silent, pray before speaking to them. If they are talking, pray before responding. These are split-second prayers, but they put you in touch with My Presence. In this way, your speaking comes under the control of My Spirit. What a great way of relating to others, and to Jesus. Asking Him to direct your thoughts and words in relating to others. In meeting with people as my wife and I do, and hearing their struggles, it's often a matter of asking God for help in knowing how to respond. And it certainly is split second. Split nano-second to be sure. The author concludes with, As positive speech patterns replace your negative one, the increase in your Joy will amaze you. Supporting verses from the Bible She then lists the James 1:19 verse about being quick to listen and slow to speak, followed by Proverbs 12:18, which says, “Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.” And then Ephesians 4:29, “Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” For me, I find all of this the best relationship advice there is from this past summer. I'll read Sarah Young's two-paragraph entry from August 3rd again, without commentary from me so you can soak it all in. The Best Relationship Advice from this past summer WATCH YOUR WORDS DILIGENTLY. Words have such great power to bless or to wound. When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. The ability to verbalize is an awesome privilege, granted only to those I created in my image. You need help in wielding this mighty power responsibly. Though the world applauds quick-witted retorts, My instructions about communication are quite different: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Ask MY Spirit to help you whenever you speak. I have trained you to pray - “Help me, Holy Spirit” - before answering the phone, and you have seen the benefits of this discipline. Simply apply the same discipline to communicating with people around you. If they are silent, pray before speaking to them. If they are talking, pray before responding. These are split-second prayers, but they put you in touch with My Presence. In this way, your speaking comes under the control of my Spirit. As positive speech patterns replace your negative one, the increase in your Joy will amaze you. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode Let's all of us wave back to summer by applying Sarah Young's best relationship advice. Namely, pray, “Help me, Holy Spirit” before I talk to the silent people in my life, as well as before I respond to those who so readily talk. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please follow us wherever you get your podcasts, if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act by asking for God's help through his spirit before you talk to people. This will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week, and the start of season six of You Were Made for This. Until then, goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to: 065 End with this Important Question 088 Thank You for Asking 112 Two Ways to Listen Well in 2021 You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

An important quality to look for in a friend is reflective thoughtfulness. It will help us become more reflective and thoughtful ourselves. It's the topic for today's episode, “An Important Quality to Look for In a Friend.” Before we get into today's program I want you to know this is the second last episode of season 5 of You Were Made for This. Next week, September 1, concludes season 5 with episode 120. Then the following week, the first Wednesday after Labor Day here in the United States, Season 6 will begin. Unlike last year, there is no break between Season 5 and 6. I mentioned last year there's a rhythm I feel when summer comes to an end, and the kids go back to school. I also used to go back to school when I was a teacher for 7+ years. And I can't get that rhythm out of my system.  For me, September is the start of all things new, even more so than January first. I can already feel the back-to-school adrenaline ramping up production in my body. I wonder if any of you have these same back-to-school feelings. Well on to today's program When our kids were little we used to talk to them about what qualities to look for in choosing a friend. And for the most part, they did a fine job of picking friends that brought out the best in them, and vice versa. It's now decades later and I'm thinking about the same thing about my choice of friends. There's a list of virtues I think most of us would agree upon, so there's no need to go into those. But there is one other quality I've grown to appreciate in people lately. A quality I've become increasingly aware of that I haven't paid as much attention to in the past. Keep listening to learn what I've grown to value more in people, and what you could be looking for as well to add more depth to your relationships How I stumbled upon this one quality to look for in a friend One of the things I enjoy about doing this podcast is getting feedback from listeners and my interaction with some of you. Just recently I saw a common thread from podcast responses from two listeners, along with one Facebook post from another listener and friend. All three of them stimulated my thinking because each demonstrates an important quality I appreciate in a friend A friend's response to episode 115 on becoming more self-aware The first one comes from Darlene, a listener and family friend, in response to episode 115 on becoming more self-aware. I'll put links to any of the episodes I mention today in the show notes. Here's what Darlene said, quoting from that 17th-century nun's prayer I talked about in that episode: “'Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places'. One of my favorite lines in Sister Olivia's wise, sweet, deep, meaningful, spunky prayer!" Darlene then goes on to say, “Thinking of your friend as he and his daughter mark the first year without their beloved wife and mom. It is only grace that carries you through and into living in the changes such loss brings to the soul. “ Her comments are in reference to my friend Martin, who lost his wife Suzanne to a brain aneurysm on August 8th, a year ago. Both of them served as missionaries in China and Germany before moving to Chicago. I spoke of them in episodes 71 and 72. The quality I appreciate about this friend's response to episode 115 I appreciate Darlene's reflective thoughtfulness. It's the important virtue I've come to appreciate more and more when I see it in my friends, reflective thoughtfulness. For example, she quotes the line from the prayer in episode 115, “Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places.” She found it, sweet, deep, and meaningful. You can tell it impacted her. How thoughtful of her to let me know, and in turn, all of you as well. She remembered the impact Suzanne's death had on Janet and me and still has. She remembered and acknowledged our loss. Remembering is such an important part of deepening relationships with people. Remember the ORA principle we keep talking about? Observe - Remember - Act And then her comment, It is only grace that carries you through and into living in the changes such loss brings to the soul. What a caring and heartfelt response that comes from thoughtful reflection upon the deep experiences others are going through. A friend's response to episode 110 relationships we didn't choose Here's a second example of reflective thoughtfulness from another listener. Two days after episode 110 went live I got a text from my friend Randy in Pittsburgh. Episode 110 is one about relationships we didn't choose, and how many of us are shaped by the relationships of people who chose us, but we didn't choose them. Like our parents, for example. The main point of that episode is Be kind to people who didn't choose to have a relationship with you, but who have one with you anyway. It will bring out the best in you. Here's what Randy wrote: “Good morning John, “I loved this week's podcast. In its own way, poking around at some deeper things I need to reflect on more. It's been a hectic week, so I'm looking forward to listening to it again. Randy” The quality I appreciate about this friend's reaction to episode 110 I appreciate Randy's reflective thoughtfulness. The episode stirred something within him “Some deeper things I need to reflect on more” I love his word choice, “poking around, deeper things I need to reflect on more, and then looking forward to listening to it again. A thoughtful person thinks like this. They reflect. They take the time to do so The thoughts of others, stimulate thoughts of his own. Not to talk about them yet, but to explore them more internally. A Friend's Facebook Post About Simone Biles and the 2021 Summer Olympics Finally, here's a third example of reflective thoughtfulness. Another of my friends is also a listener to this podcast. Her name is Kat. I was struck by several things she wrote recently, not in response to a podcast episode, but by something she posted on Facebook the last week in August during the 2021 Summer Olympics in Tokyo. Her posts were about gymnast Simone Biles pulling out of several Olympic events for mental health reasons. Here are a few excerpts from her posts” Part of the reason I'm posting this as I'm curious what people think, [especially those who have studied things like you], so thanks for chiming in. I hadn't thought about the ongoing effects from the sexual assault I'm interested not just in the individual side of this but the team side too. I don't think if Tom Brady had said he couldn't play in the Super Bowl or (the younger) Giannis the NBA championship due to mental health issues the reaction would have been as positive and understanding. There are a lot of factors to all this. I don't think anyone here is disagreeing with you or criticizing her decision. And it makes sense to me that it's more dangerous for gymnasts. The more I think about the situation she's in, the more my heart goes out to her!! Thinking through implications of an issue The point I'm making is how much of a generational shift there has been with all this. For example, I'm sure my brother, who coaches softball, has had or definitely now will have some of his players take "mental health days," even though that sport isn't life-threatening as gymnastics, except for maybe freak accidents?? That would have been inconceivable when I was playing. There's also the somewhat separate issue of how Biles said she wanted to address the struggle when she pulled out of the team event, saying she wanted to "focus on herself." I wholeheartedly agree with the importance of being mentally healthy! And doing what we can towards that end. But I think we're forgetting how much of a shift we've had over the past few years on this topic, elevating it above almost everything else? and also the way we go about it- like saying all we need is time to "focus on myself." And for the record, I love talking about and processing through stuff like this, so thanks for chiming in The quality I appreciate about this friend's reaction to Simone Biles I appreciate Kat's reflective thoughtfulness in her Facebook post At one extreme people are criticizing Biles for letting her country down by withdrawing from competition to focus on her mental health. While others applaud her for paying attention to her body, recognizing her limits, and making a hard decision that she knew would not please everyone. Kat threw out her thoughts and observation for the purpose of stimulating dialog about this complex issue, not to champion one point or the other. What other people had to say helped her to see more about the issue than she originally considered She takes a historic look at the issue, talking about a generational shift when it comes to individual responsibility and self-care. So what does all this mean for YOU and me? How can we use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in our lives? We can do ourselves a big favor by using the good we see in others as models of the good we want to develop in ourselves. For example: We can be more thoughtfully reflective like Darlene, and let people know how what they say and do impact us for the good. Like her, we can remember what people told us in the past and reference it now in the present, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. We can draw a connection between what we and others experience with the involvement of God in the affairs of mankind. Like when she talked about grace caring us through changes that bring loss to our soul. We can also be more thoughtfully reflective like Randy, and let the experiences of others speak to things going on within us. Even if it's just to “poke around more,” as Randy says, about issues that deserve more reflection. We can be more like Kat and invite people to a place of reflective thoughtfulness to dialog about important issues, as she did on Facebook with the Simone Biles story. Just as Kat did, we can go beyond surface issues that everyone talks about, and instead talk about the meaning and implications beyond the obvious. For example, in the Biles story, consider the larger issue of the interplay between perseverance in the midst of adversity, responsibility to one's group, self-care, people-pleasing, and personal safety. We can think and discuss complex issues like this as a way of growing and learning from others. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode Whatever important qualities we look for in a friend, develop and nurture those same qualities in ourself. Be for others what you want them to be for you. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please follow us from wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to spend a little more time being thoughtfully reflective, so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 031: The Rhythms of our Relationship with Time 071: How to Help a Grieving Friend 072: What I Learned from a Grieving Friend You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 118, Relationship Lessons from 3 Unlikely Places. If we pay attention, it's interesting how we can pick up little nuggets of relationship lessons from unusual places. In today's episode, I describe three of these unlikely sources of interpersonal relationship lessons. One is from a CNN interview, another from a Saturday morning men's coffee get-together, and the third from a desk calendar devoted to Cats. Relationship lesson from a CNN Interview In December 2020 CNN interviewed Dolly Parton. She told her interviewer that she almost always wakes up by 3 am. "Every single day, before I do anything, I wake up and I thank God for the night and ask Him to bless the day and to bring all the right things...all the wrong people out of my life, and bring all the right stuff in," Parton said. "And just to guide me, lead me. And I always pray that he'll let me uplift mankind and glorify Him.” In addition to prayer, Parton says she has daily scriptures and meditations that she reads as well. She credits the practice to grounding her during her packed days. With regard to getting up at 3 am, the interviewer goes on to quote her, "I get more work done during that little period of time when the world is calm, energies are down, and I just feel like a farmer," Parton said about her early morning routine. She's either writing, answering emails, or doing call-ins. She even says that she's able to get a lot of her best work done during this time."They say the early bird gets the worm," Parton said. "Well, they also get a lot of good ideas too." Links in the interview I read led to learning about her advocacy for childhood literacy Growing up in rural Tennessee, the singer recalls many families not sending their children to school. “Kids had to go to the fields and work to help support all of these big families.” Parton's father was illiterate. “My own father didn't get a chance to go to school,” she says. “He couldn't read and write, and that hindered him a great deal because he was so smart. It really bothered him a lot.” In 1995, Parton started the Imagination Library in honor of her father [who died in 2000] The charity sends free books every month to preschool-aged children. So far, Imagination Library has distributed almost 85 million books in the United States, United Kingdom, Canada, and Australia. “My dad was so proud when the kids would get the books. He just was prouder of that than probably my great success in show business.” The relationship lesson learned For me, it's not about the time you awake. It's about starting your day, whatever time that is for you, with God. It's the most important relationship of all. From Dolly Parton's prayer, I learned the virtue of fitting my plans into God's agenda, instead of asking God to fit into mine. I also learned a beautiful way to honor our parents. To build upon a deficiency in their life, by doing what one can to eliminate that same deficiency in the life of others. I can't afford to give away a million books a year to pre-schoolers, but I'm able to help teach one or two of them to read. I actually did this with my “Grandpa Academy.” Relationship lesson from a Saturday Morning Men's Coffee Get Together Text from Randy, July 17, 202. In reference to the book Personality Isn't Permanent, the subject of episode 113, “Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality.” Randy took exception to an earlier episode, where I suggested we stay away from personality tests. So we talked about it. John, you are going to crack up. This group of retired guys regularly comes to my “Saturday morning coffee place”. The one guy, John, came up to me today and asked how I'm doing and he saw “the book” I hadn't even read 1 page of the intro!!!! So, I told him about it and we talked briefly about not putting people into boxes….and then he said, “ in my old age I find my personality shifting all the time!”  If for no other reason, this book has already started to be a great conversation starter!!! The relationship lesson learned Books can help build relationships, especially when they challenge long-held beliefs We grow when we read, listen, and consider the viewpoints of others that differ from our own. It creates depth in our character. Humor can be a great tool to connect us with one another, especially self-deprecating humor where we humble ourselves. Personal growth flourishes in community, like Randy's men's group. Less so in isolation. Relationship lesson from a Cat Calendar My wife and I have a difference of opinion about whether or not to get a cat. We had several in the past. I want one; she doesn't. So we've compromised. We're not getting one. Yet. Instead, and I may have mentioned this before, but our daughter gave me a cat desk calendar with pages you peel off for each day of the year. Each page has a picture of a cat and a quotation, usually totally unrelated to anything about cats. Here's the quote for July 19th “I”m not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche The relationship lesson learned With a lie comes loss. With a loss comes grief. Lies break trust. A lie today destroys trust that took years to build. When we are lied to it resets a relationship and calls everything about our relationship into question. We have to start all over again. For parents, teach this truth to your kids when they are very young. It's so much harder the older they get. So what does all that we considered in this episode mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Imagine how our days would go if we started each one as Dolly Parton does, with a prayer where we thank God for a night of rest, and ask Him to bless today and to” bring all the right things...all the wrong people out of our life, and bring all the right stuff in. And just to guide us. And pray that he'll let us uplift mankind and to glorify Him.” Honor someone close to us who has died, as Dolly Parton did with her father. Her Literacy Library gives away a million books a month to pre-school kids. Because her dad didn't learn to read, she wants to help erase the same deficiency in others that her father experienced. As far Randy's Saturday Morning Men's Coffee Get Together, how do you see your personality changing the older you get? What patterns have you noticed, both good and bad, as you age? With regard to the Nietzsche quote, who are the people you can no longer believe? Can you give them a second chance? Is there anyone who can no longer believe you because you lied to them? What can you do to regain their trust? One final thought If you have an open mind and are curious about the world, you don't have to look very hard to learn relationship lessons. That is the common thread woven through the three sources of relationship lessons I shared today. The Dolly Parton lesson is something that popped up on a news feed on my computer one morning. I didn't go looking for it. Things like this can be a huge distraction, so we have to be careful. But every now and then a gem will pop up, like the one I shared. The lesson learned from my friend Randy's men's group came in a text he sent to me. I didn't go looking for it. The relationship lesson I learned from my Cat calendar came from the simple act of turning to the next day of the year. I didn't go looking for any profound relationship lesson. It just stared me in the face on its own. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode We can learn relationship lessons from some unusual places. Be on the lookout for them, because they will enrich your life. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. And forward this episode to others you think may be interested in today's topic. This helps us serve more people like you. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act by looking for relationship lessons in unusual places. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. A related episode you may want to listen to 113 “Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality” You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 117, What to Do When People Criticize Us. Unless you've been raised by wolves and live in a remote forest out in the wild, it's impossible to go through life without being criticized at one time or another, for one thing or another. How to respond to criticism is a relationship challenge. Do we go on the defensive and confront our critics? Or do we cower, and retreat with our tail between our legs? Or is there another option? Today's episode is about another option. A better option. Keep listening to learn what it is, and what to do when people criticize us. The story starts with a shipwreck There's a wonderful story in the New Testament of the Bible that illustrates a profound relationship principle. It's in the book of Acts. As a backdrop to the story, we learn in chapter 27 that the Apostle Paul is on a boat headed to Rome when his ship encounters a terrible storm. It eventually becomes shipwrecked off the Island of Malta in the Mediterranean. Dealing with a criticism The story picks up in chapter 28, where the Apostle Luke, the author of the Book of Acts, tells us the following, in the first ten verses: 1 Once we were safe on shore, we learned that we were on the island of Malta. 2 The people of the island were very kind to us. It was cold and rainy, so they built a fire on the shore to welcome us. 3As Paul gathered an armful of sticks and was laying them on the fire, a poisonous snake, driven out by the heat, bit him on the hand. 4 The people of the island saw it hanging from his hand and said to each other, “A murderer, no doubt! Though he escaped the sea, justice will not permit him to live.” 5  But Paul shook off the snake into the fire and was unharmed.  6The people waited for him to swell up or suddenly drop dead. But when they had waited a long time and saw that he wasn't harmed, they changed their minds and decided he was a god. 7Near the shore where we landed was an estate belonging to Publius, the chief official of the island. He welcomed us and treated us kindly for three days. 8As it happened, Publius's father was ill with fever and dysentery. Paul went in and prayed for him, and laying his hands on him, he healed him. 9Then all the other sick people on the island came and were healed. 10 As a result we were showered with honors, and when the time came to sail, people supplied us with everything we would need for the trip. Context of the criticism The people of Malta were hospitable and welcoming to these shipwrecked sailors and their passengers. Luke describes them as very kind people in vs. 2. They take in Paul and his fellow travelers and cared for them in the cold and rain with a warm fire. Later in the story, the chief public official of the island is described as “kindly.” He hosted these shipwrecked travelers for three days in his home. These were a very kind and relational people. Crux of the criticism The islanders call Paul a murderer because a snake bit him on his hand. They demonize him, based on limited information. It comes out of their worldview that had no basis in reality. A snake biting a person does not mean the person is a murderer. They developed a mythology to explain things they didn't understand. Don't we do the same thing to make sense out of the world we live in? We all want answers, even to the unanswerable. To their credit, when they saw that no harm had come to Paul, the people of Malta quickly changed their mind. But then they go to the opposite extreme and call him a god. A murderer one minute, a god the next. How quickly their evaluation changed. What we observe about Paul Paul helped with the fire by adding logs to it. He was being a good guest. The most amazing thing is that when he hears the people of Malta calling him a murderer, he remains silent. Yes silent! This is so unlike him. He was always quick in the past to stand up to his accusers. Yet here, he is quiet. Why? Because he knew they were right. He was a murderer. Paul was responsible for the death of countless Christians before his conversion to Christianity. His critics were correct. He could have easily defended himself by saying this was part of his past before he became a Christian. But because of his faith in Jesus and the power of the cross, all his sins were forgiven, and that he is a completely new person in light of God's forgiveness. He could have said all that with complete accuracy. I wonder why he didn't speak this truth into their lives. I wonder if he felt they weren't ready to hear words of truth. People need to be willing and ready. Telling people truth before they're receptive to it can often make things worse. It takes discernment to know when to speak and when to remain silent. Actions speak louder than words In this situation, Paul says nothing and instead flings the snake back into the fire. The snake is a symbol of the criticism he faced. It represents his old sin nature before he became a new creation at the time he committed his life to Jesus, totally forgiven of his past evil life. Instead of defending himself with words, Paul uses the gifts God has equipped him with to take action. Action to bless people, in this case starting with the father of Publius, the island official. Paul heals him of a fever and dysentery. And then other sick people flock to him and Paul heals them, too. I love the last line of this passage from Acts 28, “As a result, we were showered with honors, and when the time came to sail, people supplied us with everything we would need for the trip.” What a beautiful story and example for us in how to respond when people criticize us. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Be as honest as you can with yourself. Is there any truth to what people are criticizing you for? If so, do I need to apologize to anyone? Do I need to make things right with someone? Ask, “What does Jesus say about me?” Even if my critics are 100% accurate in their judgment, what does Jesus think about me? Ask God for wisdom. Wisdom to know what to say to my critics, and when to say it. Wisdom to know when to remain silent, and when to let my actions speak for me Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode When people criticize us, remind ourselves of who we are because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to keep doing what Jesus called us to do, just like Paul did, regardless of the criticism. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I'll close with the July 13th devotional reading from Sarah Young's book, Jesus Calling. The author writes from the perspective of Jesus, speaking in the first person to the reader, and in our case today, to you as listener: I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the Joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong. Instead of trying to “fix” yourself, fix your gaze upon Me, the lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in my righteousness, radiant in My perfect Love. The author then lists three bible passages from which she derives her thoughts on how she imagines Jesus calling us. Finally, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. And forward this episode on to others you think may be interested in today's topic. This helps us to serve more people like you. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. Especially when people criticize you. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. A related episode you may want to listen to 037 The Two-Step Process to Solve Relationship Conflicts You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 116, “Finding Joy from a Thank You note.” Most days of the week I take a 30-minute walk early in the morning around our neighborhood. On one recent morning, I was feeling especially down for no apparent reason. I get that way sometimes, and taking a brisk walk seems to help. At the end of my morning walk, I go to our mailbox to get our newspaper delivered to the box right below it. And then I open our mailbox in case I forgot to get the mail from the day before. 99% of the time it's empty. But on this particular depressing morning, there was a note in the mailbox that changed everything for me that day. Keep listening and I'll tell you about the note and how it brought joy into my day. A mysterious note The note was in a purple envelope, handwritten and addressed to Janet and me. I wondered at first who it was from, and what it was for. So I opened the envelope and found a “thank you” note inside. “Thanks for what,” I wondered. Inside the note read, “Janet and John, thank you for the yummy snacks, cute butterfly cookie, and coloring book.” Underneath this was a small hand-drawn heart and then a name I couldn't read at first, but quickly realized it said “Gwen.” Gwen?, I thought. Gwen? Oh yeah, that Gwen. Why the note The previous weekend Janet and a friend organized a get-together for several new neighbors who recently moved here, to get acquainted and welcome them to the neighborhood. One family that was coming had a 4-year-old daughter, and she was going to be the only child among all these big people. That would be Gwen. So knowing this, and to help her stay less bored with all these adults, she was given a gift bag with …guess what? Yummy snacks, a cute butterfly cookie, and a coloring book. And so to thank us, Gwen, with prompting from her parents I'm sure, expressed her appreciation with a thank you note placed in our mailbox A reminder Janet and I both got a big kick out of this thank you note from a 4-year old. It lifted my spirits and brought a measure of joy into my heart that day. What good parents she has in raising her to do things like this. After keeping the note on our counter for a few days I later placed it in a folder I have marked “Thank You Cards Received - 2021.” All of this reminded me of episode 87 of this podcast from this past January. It was about making a relational New Year's resolution for the year. I'll have a link to it in the show notes. The point of that episode, and the New Year's resolution, was to make it our goal to receive many “Thank You” cards or notes for the rest of 2021. It was to do something significant for someone that would prompt the person to send you a thank you note. How are we doing so far? If you're a regular listener, have you forgotten this resolution? I did for a time. But this "thank you" note from 4-year old Gwen brought it back to mind. The main point was not the “thank you” note itself. Rather, it was to do something for someone that they so appreciated that it moved them to tell you so in writing. Not a text. Not an email. Something in writing. Ink, pencil, or crayon on some form of paper. Well, we are just past the mid-point of the year, and I'm wondering how we are all doing with keeping this New Years' resolution. If you've done nothing, or are new to the podcast, that's okay. It's never too late to start now. Ideas for you To give you ideas of how this could work for you, here's what Janet and I did to get the 19 “Thank You” notes or cards we've received: We gave graduation gifts to 2 high school students We got cards from 2 missionary couples, each of whom stayed with us a week to 10 days each. One couple stayed twice this year and left a written thank you card with us each time. We sent flowers for my 100-year-old aunt's funeral, who died in February. I got a card from Janet earlier in the year, thanking me for emptying the dishwasher in the morning. (Oops! I forgot to do it this morning.) We gave some money to a friend to help with funeral expenses for her husband who died so unexpectedly. A missionary serving in South America, thanked me in a written note for our online conversations to help her work through a difficult family relationship issue. Remember the real issue Remember, the “thank you” note or card is not the issue. Doing something meaningful for another person that evokes an expression of gratitude is the issue. Another example is we gave a small one-time donation to help a young couple going to the mission field the first time. That prompted a “thank you” note from them. We also got cards from 2 couples we had over for dinner. They're part of a new church we've been helping get started. Then a single person we had for dinner another time also sent us a “thank you” note. A small check we sent to friends going through a costly family emergency resulted in a “thank you” note from them. We also received 4 written “thank you” notes from listeners to the podcast, expressing their appreciation about one thing or another they found meaningful in the podcast. Then, of course, the thank you from 4-year-old Gwen that I found in our mailbox recently. So what does all this mean for YOU? I hope you're reminded, like I was, to send a written note of appreciation to someone who has been kind or thoughtful to you. It's so easy for all of us to forget. It's so easy to take people for granted. But it's not too late to get started. In fact, Gwen's note prompted me to send a “thank you” note myself to friends who recently had us over for dinner. A few of the things Janet and I did to get a “thank you” note involved spending a little money. If you don't have any money to spare, there are so many other things you can do to bless people. Bless people with your words. Bless them with your deeds…like emptying the dishwasher in the morning. Just call before you come. It's not too late this year to get started doing something kind and thoughtful for another person, even if they never thank you. Be kind anyway. It will bring out the best in you. And if you're a parent, teach your kids what Gwen's parents are teaching her: When someone goes out of their way to do something thoughtful for you, be sure to thank them. Thank them in writing. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode It comes from the Bible. The Book of Hebrews, chapter 10:24: Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. Thanking people for what they do, and who they are, is one way of doing this. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode, especially examples of Thank You notes you've received. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please forward this episode on to others you think might be interested in today's content. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. A related episode you may want to listen to: 087: Make it a Relational New Year's Resolution You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

One way we can foster deep and fulfilling relationships is by becoming more self-aware. It helps keep our relationships from slowly drifting to the shallow end of the pool, where they're just not as much fun as they are in the deep end. The problem is many of us are not nearly as self-aware as we think we are. How to become so is a challenge, which is the topic of today's episode. So keep listening. Some help from the 17th century A number of years ago I came across an intriguing prayer. I wish I could remember where I found it, but I don't. I've used it in several workshops I've given, and in fact, wrote a blog piece about it last summer. I'll have a link to it in the show notes. It's simply titled “17th Century Nun's Prayer” I wish I knew something about the poet, especially her name, but I don't know that either. As I read her prayer to you, see if you can figure out why I find it intriguing. So here goes, 17th Century Nun's Prayer: An intriguing prayer Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others' pains, but help me to endure them with patience. I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint – some of them are so hard to live with – but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. AMEN Self-Awareness is about O.R.A. Observe - Remember - Act I'm intrigued by this prayer for a number of reasons. First off, there's a bit of humor and edginess to it. I like to think God has a sense of humor, and that he appreciates a little edginess from time to time. The prayer also intrigues me because it's an example of the ORA Principle of Deepening our Relationships we've been talking about in recent episodes. Observe - Remember - Act. I'll have links to a few of these as well in the show notes. Observe Our 17th-century nun doesn't have a name, but for our purposes, let's see, I'll call her Sister Olivia. A perfectly good nun's name from the 1600s. Sister Olivia is self-aware and observes some things within herself she doesn't like, and she asks God to remove these things from her life. Her prayer is one of reduction, “take these things from me” is her plea to God. For example, Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy…. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; … seal my lips on my aches and pains… Her prayer is a great example of self-awareness, which is such an important part of relational intelligence. Remember Sister Olivia remembers her flaws, and for the most part, does not get defensive about them. She owns them and recalls how these idiosyncrasies have gotten in the way of her relationships. She also remembers that to rid herself of these flaws will take supernatural power from God. She can't do it on her own. It's a big part of self-awareness. Act Given what she observes in herself, and what she remembers about her weaknesses, Sister Olivia takes action. She prays to God to help her be the person He created her to be. She knows she can't do this on her own, so she takes action by calling upon God to help her. So what's the point of all this for YOU? It would be easy to dismiss this “prayer” as something cute and funny. That would be a mistake in my view. The “prayer” a good example of the power of self-awareness in helping us relate better with each other. And with our self. It's Romans 12: 3 all over again, “… Don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” Wouldn't you like to be friends with someone like this nun who is so self-aware? Wouldn't you like her to be your neighbor? I know I would. Imagine what our relationships would be like if all of us prayed as she did? Your flaws and my flaws may well be different than hers. But what if we each of us asked the Holy Spirit to reveal our weaknesses to us, and to show how they are keeping our relationships from being all they could be? And then ask God for the wisdom and power to more like the men and women he created us to be. The prayer one more time Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips on my aches and pains. They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others' pains, but help me to endure them with patience. I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a lessening cocksureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a Saint – some of them are so hard to live with – but a sour old person is one of the crowning works of the devil. Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. AMEN Best Line: Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, and talents in unexpected people. And, give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode The more self-aware we are, the greater the possibility for significant meaningful relationships. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful feel free to forward this episode to others you think might be interested in today's content. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. So that by becoming more and more self-aware you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to being with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 088: Get them to Say “Thank You for Asking” 089: How to Be a Better Observer of People Related blog post August 19, 2020, “How to Age Well” You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 114, “Learn how to Age Well in 2021.” Before we get started Several weeks ago a family friend stopped over to our house, and on her way out the door, she said, “Oh, by the way, I listened to your podcast this morning [episode 109, Rekindle Relationships by Remembering]. It made me feel guilty about a friend of mine who lost her husband a year ago. So I called her to set up a time to get together. Thank you.” This was certainly encouraging to know. I hope others of you are remembering a key event or two in the life of your friends and then taking action on what you remember to rekindle or deepen your relationship with that person. On to today's program Last week's episode, number 113, Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality was a review of Benjamin Hardy's book, Personality Isn't Permanent. In his book there is a 6-word paragraph that I've been thinking about all week that I'm making the subject of today's episode. Those six words? “People become old far too fast” Keep listening to hear what we can do to keep from becoming old far too fast. People become old far too fast To put this six-word paragraph into its context, I'll read a brief section from Hardy's book: “As a person ages, they tend to stop engaging in new situations, experiences, and environments. In other words, people's personalities become increasingly consistent because they stop putting themselves in new contexts. p. 200. “By the time a person reaches their thirties, they stop having as many ‘first experiences,' as an example, first time driving, first job, first big failure, etc. “As people age, they become increasingly less open to having new experiences. They stop surrounding themselves with new types of people. They stop engaging in new roles and in new environments. New challenges aren't taken on anymore. They stop experiencing new emotions. "People become old far too fast.” Don't avoid the “new” The operative word in his comments is “new.” The author writes how people who become old far too fast avoid “new.” By my count he uses the word “new” eight times in the section I just read. I don't know about you, but I wonder if this is true for me, too. Do I avoid “new”? Because truth be told, I'm a fan of “old.” Old ways of doing things. Familiar foods, familiar clothes, familiar people. Old ways of dealing with life that I think have served me well. But maybe I'm missing something. How about you? Maybe we all need a little more “new” in our lives to age well. Hmm. If you're with me on this, I'd like to suggest we focus on just one new thing to keep us from becoming old far too fast. It's this: learn one new skill. And that skill would be INVESTING. Yes, investing. Not investing money, but investing in ourselves, and investing in others Investing in ourselves In my twenties, during my high school teaching days, I would spend an hour a week on my future. Started with anticipating my future as a teacher.  MS in counseling that led to something totally away from my intended goal Benjamin Hardy, the author of Personality isn't Permanent would call it investing in my “future self.” The person I want to be We can invest in ourselves by reading Be open to new relationships to age well in 2021 Learning new relationship skills, such as listening. How to ask questions. How to fight the urge to fill the airwaves with the sound of our voice Make room for God in ways you haven't before. Make room for him We can invest in ourselves by studying the Bible to learn how to be more kind, compassionate, and patient with one another Another way we can invest in ourselves is to acknowledge our fears and practice trusting people more. And God more, too. Listen to episodes 11-14 about the four levels of relationship skill. I'll have a link to them in the show notes. Investing in others When you invest money, you expect a return on your investment. You expect to get something back. It's not always that way with relationships Invest in people without any exception of a return on your investment Quote from basketball coaching legend, John Wooden, who said, “You haven't had a perfect day until you've done something for someone who can never repay you.” Being with kids keeps you from aging too fast Teachers and others who work with kids have a great opportunity to invest in others Mr. Littaritz's funeral, June 19, 2021. Most of his 87 years on earth were spent investing in others, namely teenagers So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Invest in others. Example: Mr. Littaritz. He prepared his students for the draft, running his P.E. class like boot camp. The marching, the barking at students. And at times with a smirk afterward Invest in yourself to age well. Devout an hour a week for your future like I did in my 20s Colossians 3:10 “Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.” Learning to know your creator and becoming like him is a great way to invest in yourself. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode We can age well by investing in our self and in others. It keeps our focus more on the new and less on the old. And it prevents us from aging faster than we should. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven't already done so. Feel free to forward this episode to others you think might be interested in today's content. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related resources you may want to check out Dr. Benjamin Hardy's book, Personality Isn't permanent Prior episodes: 113 Our Choices Define Us, Not Our Personality. 105 How to Listen Better 044: Thankful for the People Who Invested in Us 011 Relationship Skills - Level 1 012 Relationship Skills - Level 2 013 Relationship Skills - Level 3 014 Relationship Skills - Level 4 You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

"You Were Made for This”   Genesis 3:8-15 Text for Lectionary 10B, but preached on July 18, 2021 Pastor Roger Dykstra    Gloria Dei Lutheran Church, Iowa City, IA 

Our choices define us, not our personality. We are what we choose to make happen, and how we choose to respond to whatever may happen to us. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 113. If you've listened to this program for any length of time you know I say at the end of each episode that I would appreciate hearing back from listeners with any reaction they have to that week's episode. Up until just recently, the response has been very positive. This streak, however, came to an end with episode 107 from a few weeks ago, Seeing is Believing. Or is it? This was the program about the quote from Jesus that a prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown. I talked about the reaction of the people from Nazareth to Jesus, based on the assumptions they made about him because of his family. Then in passing, I mentioned to avoid making assumptions about people, we need to “stay away from personality tests like the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. They create self-fulling prophecies and they microwave our understanding of people.” When my wife Janet heard this she told me, “You're going to get in trouble for that comment.” And boy was she right. Keep listening to hear about the strong reaction I got from a listener, how I processed it, and how it leads into the topic of today's program. A negative response from a listener The negative response I got was actually from a good friend of mine, by the name of Randy. We've been friends for a long time. We used to go to the same church until he moved to Pittsburgh for a job change. Randy sent me a strongly worded email saying he found great value in the Myers-Briggs and Enneagram personality tests because they helped him understand himself and others better. His email deserved a conversation, not another email. So we arranged a time to talk, and he gave me a chance to explain myself. I shared a couple of stories about how I was marginalized in two separate situations by people in leadership based solely on how I scored on their favorite personality test. Thoughts I had about an issue were discounted because, as in one instance, I was told, “Oh, you're an INFJ and that's how you think.” The merits of my input were never considered. My test score shut down any further dialog. Randy and I talked more about where each of us was coming from, and he shared a story of when a group leader marginalized him, too. So we had that connection. I don't think either of our minds were changed, but we now understood each other much better. It wasn't long before we transitioned into getting caught up on each other's lives about other things. After hanging up on the call, I so appreciated having a friendship with someone where we could challenge each other's points of view and still remain friends. I hope you have relationships like this. All this to say, my conversation with Randy prompted me to share with you in a review of an interesting book I think any regular listener to this podcast would enjoy. Even Randy. Book review The name of the book is Personality Isn't Permanent - Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. It's by Dr. Benjamin Hardy, an organizational psychologist. He is also a blogger and a regular contributor to Inc. Magazine and Psychology Today. The book came out last year in June of 2020.  It's about how our choices define us, not our personality. Who the book is for People fond of personality tests like the Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, DISC, etc. The book may very well change your mind about these instruments. As the author puts it, “If you're someone who's tried making big changes in your life but feels stuck or discouraged, then this book is for you.” People with a painful past. Those coming out of a dysfunctional family. Trauma survivors. The author himself comes from a broken home and his life was a big hot mess until going on a church mission turned his life around (I think he must be a Mormon) People with self-limiting beliefs, who feel trapped or stuck Optimists Caregivers and people helpers, especially those who interact with others who have a victim mindset People interested in the psychology of human behavior Those who resonate with the concept that our choices define us, not our personality Structure of the Book 7 chapters, 230 pages, plus acknowledgments, 10 pages of footnotes, and a 6-page index An introduction, entitled “A Personality Test Almost Ruined Life.” The author cites quite a few research studies to support his points, and he includes interesting stories to illustrate them. An easy read, yet one I found myself underlining the key points he is making in the book. Interesting quotes and one-liners sprinkled throughout the book like, “People become old far too fast,” p.202 “A mistake repeated more than once is a decision,” p. 97 “Always make your future bigger than your past,” p.141 “Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be,” p. 174 The cover of the book is ingenious. It encapsulates the premise of the book. There's a large yellow pencil on the left-hand side and eraser filings on the top as a background for part of the title. It's a masterful illustration of the title, Personality Isn't Permanent. Premise of the book It is so much more than a book about personality. It's more about how our choices define us. I'll quote from page four of the introduction: “The argument of this book is that your ‘personality' doesn't matter. Even more, your personality is not the most fundamental aspect of who you are. Instead, your personality is surface-level, transitory, and a by-product of something much deeper. “The most fundamental aspect of your humanity is your ability to make choices and stand by those choices, what Viktor Frankel called the last of human freedoms, ‘To choose one's own way.' Choosing your own way has at least two key meanings: making decisions about what you want to happen and choosing how you respond to what does happen. Choosing one's own way is what makes one human - and the more you own the power of your own decision-making, the more your life and outcomes will be in your control.” Take-aways from the book It's a rich combination of research, theory, and practical application of principles, especially how our choices define us. The book is full of hope that we can all be better versions of ourselves, if we want to be. He talks a lot about focusing on our future self, about making decisions that will be consistent with the person we want to be, not necessarily the person we are now. The author extols the practices of fasting and tithing. He tells the story of George in the “Enhance Your Subconscious” chapter who tithed on 10% of what he intended to earn in the future, not what he already earned. [read from p. 193] So many rich concepts in the book. Here are just a few, which I will quote verbatim Quotes from the author You become who you choose to be. p.5 There is no such thing as a personality type. Personality types are social or mental constructions, not actual realities. There is no science behind the idea of personality types, and most of the popular personality quizzes were created by people who had no business trying to define people. p. 26 We overemphasize the importance of the past, which leads us to become increasingly narrow in how we view ourselves and the world. p. 37 How we describe, interpret, and identify with our past has far more to do with where we are here and now, than it does with our actual past, p. 48 “Authenticity” these days is usually another way of saying “I have a fixed mindset.' I am a certain way and shouldn't be expected to do anything but what comes immediately naturally and easy for me. I shouldn't have to do anything but what feels good right now.” p. 62 Every behavior has a reason. Realizing why you're engaging in a specific behavior is fundamental to becoming a conscious human being. p. 74. On pages 128-135 he talks about being an “empathetic witness.” How we need these kinds of people in our lives, and how we can be an empathetic witness to others. It's all about caring for others. Advice for getting the most out of life A quote from T.S. Eliot about reframing our past, “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we begin from.” p. 166 The author talks about the importance of expressing one's emotions to trusted “empathetic witnesses” in the chapter on “Enhance Your Subconscious.” “Rather than being defined by your former behaviors, you can and should be defined by your future behaviors.” p, 195. In chapter 6, “Redesign Your Environment” he cites a 1979 research study. [Read from pages 197-198]. “Putting yourself in new environments, around new people, and taking on new roles is one of the quickest ways to change your personality, for better or worse. Fully take on roles you assume and you'll change from the outside in.” p. 199 Pages 227- 229 is the story of Melissa who experienced several devastating tragedies in life. She wrote about them in journals. The author describes how she processed these tragedies: “While reading through her journals, and while journaling and praying at length, she had a paradigm shift. She began to see her past differently. For most of her life she had felt like a victim. She had felt she was cursed by God. But while reading those old journals and reflecting on her experiences she saw her experiences differently. Rather than curses, she saw compliments. Her's is a great example of how our choices define us, and that we don't have to live life as a victim. “God really trusts you,” she thought to herself. “Everything I've gone through is a gigantic compliment from God not only for what I can handle but for what he wants me to do.” Why It's Worth Reading It's consistent with biblical principles of living It's a great application of Romans 12: 2, “Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God's will is for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” It's a great application of Philippians 1: 6, “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I found it inspiring to think more about the diminishing amount of future I have each day and how to make it the best it can be in ways that bring out the best in me and blesses others. Amazon Reviews of the Book 1551 reviews at the time of this writing of the show notes, 85% of which are 5-star reviews The few negative reviews said there's nothing new here. I respectfully disagree. Not many other authors are criticizing personality tests, or touting the benefits of taking a mission, tithing, or fasting. He talks about some common themes of daily life, but often from a unique perspective Then there's always comments like, “He didn't write about this; he didn't write about that.” In other words, because he didn't write about what I wanted to read, it's not that great a book. “The book was life-changing” was a common theme in the many positive reviews So what does all this mean for YOU? Read the book. Get it from your library or buy a copy. If it resonates with you, put into practice what the author suggests. It will take wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit to individualize personal applications of the book. Ask a few people if they'd like to go through the book as a group. Form a little book club. Practice the principles mentioned in the book as a group. It would be a great summer read. Have your teenagers read the book! If you lead a group of people in your job, church, or organization, read the book as a group and discuss it. It would be a great way for the people you lead to learn how to care for each other by learning how to listen better. If you forget everything else, here's the one thing I hope you remember from today's episode. Our personality doesn't define us. Our choices define us. What we choose to make happen, and our choices in responding to whatever may happens to us. This is what defines us. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode, just like Randy shared his thoughts about a prior episode Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Now go out and get the book. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Resources mentioned in today's show Episode 107, Seeing is Believing. Or is it? Personality Isn't Permanent - Breaking Free From Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story. by Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 112, Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021. When I give workshops on how to listen well I like to give examples of both good and bad listening. I usually use samples of both from Facebook posts or catchy cartoons. But these are just visual. What I really would like to use for examples would be video clips from both ends of the listening spectrum. Sometimes movie excerpts will work for this, but the best examples are from real-life encounters between people. If Janet and I are in a restaurant or in a crowd of people I will sometimes say, “I wish I could make a video of those people over there and how they're engaging with each other.” We run into all kinds of bad examples of people talking over each other, drawing attention to themselves, quickly changing the subject, and missed opportunities for connection. These are all too common. But I recently witnessed a brief, but beautiful interaction between two strangers at a high school graduation party I wish I could have recorded. It would make my highlight reel of how to listen well. Stay with me now as I describe what happened because it will give you an idea or two for how you can listen well to the people in your life. Listener responses to a prior episode Before I describe the story of this interaction, I want to share a response from a listener to episode 106, How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021. John, Good morning. Thanks for today's podcast. Where were you 25 years ago? This would have [served me well then] and will serve me, well going forward. This is the episode where I offered a free downloadable pdf entitled 5 Keys to Making Your Family Vacation the Best Ever in 2021.  Click here if you haven't gotten your copy. Now for today's story of great listening The scene In South Carolina to attend our grandson Nathan's high school graduation Later in the day, his best friend's parents invited all of us to their house for a small graduation party. Just two extended families. Didn't know the host at all. I'll call him Dave. Nice guy. Most of us were in the backyard, and Dave took a break from cooking on the grill and sat down on a patio chair to rest for a bit and talk with his guests. Transparent expression of grief Out of the blue, he wistfully remarked, “I remember 9 years ago I was on the campus of my alma mater thinking, someday my son Jason [not his real name] will leave home and will be walking on a campus like this. Now in just a few months, that's going to happen. I'm not ready for this.” How do you listen well to a comment like this? Response to vulnerability At first, there was no response to this heartfelt expression of loss. “I'm not ready for my son to leave home for college 700 miles away.” Just silence from the guests Myself included.  Then I started remembering how I had similar feelings as Dave when our kids went off to college many years ago. And now just last fall with our twin grandsons I was flooded with remembering the initial sadness, and how I wasn't ready for it either. I also remember the joy that eventually followed. It reminded me a little bit like death, this very stark jump from one stage of parenting I was comfortable with, to an entirely new stage I knew nothing about. I really felt for the guy. The ORA principle: Observe. Remember. Act Breaking the silence was my wife Janet's response to Dave, a complete stranger. “Yeah, and then they come home for a weekend visit from college, and sometime on Sunday they announce, ‘Well, I guess it's time for me to head back home.' “Home???? Your college dorm room is now home???? What about THIS place, isn't this your home?” Observe Janet paid attention to the words Dave spoke, but also to the feelings he expressed in saying those words. She saw them in his body language. He was grieving. He was feeling the loss of his son. Life will not be the same in a few months. Remember In responding to Dave, Janet later told me she was intentional about applying what she learned in I Hear You the book I reviewed in episode 105, How to Listen Better Janet remembered what it was like for her when our kids went off to college. She remembered her feelings, which allowed her to more closely identify with his. Act Janet acted by putting into practice the central thesis of the I Hear You book by affirming Dave's feeling of loss and sadness over bringing to a close the only chapter of parenting he knew. Her comment about when a child starts calling his dorm room home, and how surprising that is to a parent, showed she understood Dave's feelings. She normalized his emotions, which is a powerful way to affirm what someone is feeling. And she did it without saying, “that's normal." Instead, Janet showed Dave it was normal by her comments which so aligned with his. She refrained from interjecting her story into his. She refrained from re-living that painful part of parenting. Janet kept the focus on him, by keeping it off of herself. She did the hard work of refraining from giving advice, and of just being quiet in this tender moment. Janet acted by holding back advice like, you'll get over it soon. It's every parents' job to guide their child to independence. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ~ W.C. Fields So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Lots of parents are like Dave this time of year, thinking about their kid going off to college. Be kind to them. Watch out for them. Listen to episode 69, When Our Kids Go Off to School for The First Time.  It offers a suggestion like this: Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. “How did it go for you?” You can also send a card or note in the mail that says something like this: “I've been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and entering this new unknown one.” Something like that. We have opportunities to bless people with our words. God can use us in this capacity. Take advantage of these opportunities. Here's the main point of today's episode The first thing to do to listen well to someone is to affirm their feelings without presenting a silver lining to their dark cloud. The second thing is avoid interjecting your own story into theirs. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. I'm especially interested in any experiences you've had as described in today's show, and how you handled that experience. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven't already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 106, How to Have a Great Family Vacation in 2021 105, How to Listen Better 069, When Our Kids Go Off to School for The First Time.  You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Often when we're tired and burdened, Jesus shows up in unusual ways, inviting us to find rest in him in the midst of difficult circumstances. Keep reading to learn How to Find Rest in Difficult Circumstances. Have you ever found yourself so weary and tired because of a relationship issue, where there didn't seem to be any attractive options to deal with that issue? I bet you have. Today's episode is about a time I was in this situation, where I just wanted to find rest from a nagging concern and not deal with it. I eventually learned, in a most unusual way, a surprising relationship solution to my relationship problem. I know what I learned could help you, too. It starts here. A summer job In last week's episode, no. 110, Relationships We Didn't Choose, I mentioned the summer job my guidance counselor found for me after I graduated from high school. It was a factory job at a small manufacturing company that made folding tables for school cafeterias. Recently I checked online and discovered they're still in business. I thought of stopping in to say, “Hi,” but then realized anyone I had worked with would have been dead for decades by now. I was so fortunate that Mrs. Roller told me about this job. It paid well, over $2.00 an hour, double what I earned in my after-school restaurant job. I got to learn a variety of things, like running a punch press, spot welding, and working a drill press. None of the jobs were terribly hard, but being in a factory, it was hot, and it made me sweat a lot. I also worked there during Christmas break from college, because they need help counting all their inventory of parts by the end of the year. The good people I worked with The men I worked with were all very nice. There was Harlow, the manager, a kind man with a mid-century crew cut, who ran the place. Gil, the foreman who always wore bib overalls, and who spent most of his day fixing machines that broke. Adam, the man who taught me how to use the punch press, and who told me, “If when you're done with college that teaching thing doesn't work out, you'll have this to fall back on… as long as you don't get your hands stuck in the punch press.” Then there was Carl, who was from Lithuania and walked with a slight limp and spoke with a thick European accent. Another guy with an even thicker accent, who could barely speak English, was Fritz. He was from Germany. Rumor had it he was a German soldier during WWII whose job it was to drive a Nazi officer around in a two-person motorcycle. This could explain why he and Carl from Lithuania never spoke to each other. Finally, there was Eddie, an older single guy with a limp four times worse than Carl's. He appeared to have been a stroke victim because he had to use one of his arms to move the other. I admired all the things he could do in spite of his handicap. These were the people I worked with. They accepted me as one of their own, even though we were so different. They had more history than future; I had more future than history. A scene I remember to this day One scene in particular from this factory job the summer of my 19th year comes to my mind every now and then. It happened on a late Saturday afternoon at the end of a 53-hour-work-week. We had all been putting in a lot of hours, and I was grateful for the 13 hours of overtime pay. It was going to be a big help in paying for my college tuition for the upcoming fall semester of my sophomore year. I got to work in those days using the city bus. To return to my home in the suburbs I had to take 2 different bus routes. This particular Saturday afternoon I got onto the second bus exhausted, hot, and sweaty from my factory job. I dragged my body to the rear of the nearly empty bus, and sat down on one of two bench seats, perpendicular to the rest of the forward-facing seats. I then stared out the window directly across from me and noticed the ads placed along the top of all the windows. They were about 3 feet wide by 18 inches tall. One of the ads in particular caught my eye. It was stuck between two other ads, for things like Chesterfield cigarettes and Cutty Sark whiskey. An ad from the Lutherans The eye-catching ad for me was from the Lutheran Church, displaying a picture of Jesus and the words from Matthew 11:28-30 in the Bible. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Hmm. That's me, I thought. I'm weary and I'm carrying a heavy burden. I was so tired from all the hours of heat and sweat from my summer job. And now I was heading home, a place where I did not want to be because of the strife and tension there. But as much as I liked my co-workers, I didn't want to be at work either. So I kept staring at that ad, reading the words from Jesus several times. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Jesus said, “Come to me” Maybe these Lutherans were on to something. Maybe I should follow their advice from their ad, and the Bible, to come to Jesus. I didn't exactly know how to do that. Just a few months earlier I had become a Christ-follower at a Campus Crusade for Christ meeting. So I had already come to Him. But many things about Jesus were all so new to me. There was so much I didn't understand. Nevertheless, I found a strange sense of peace from that Bible verse the Lutherans advertised. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” What I learned that afternoon at the back of the bus was the rest I so deeply wanted is found in a person, not a place. I wasn't exactly sure how it worked, but I found comfort in the word choice from the Bible verse the Lutherans shared in their bus ad. Calming words Weary. Rest was mentioned twice. Learn from me. Gentle. Humble in Heart. An easy yoke. A light burden. I like these words, don't you? They calmed my spirit. They gave me hope that my relationship with Jesus would help me manage my physically tiring factory job, and at the same time He would help me to emotionally cope with the tension in my home I was heading to. I learned that when I focus on my relationship with Jesus it makes the burdens I'm carrying much lighter. It doesn't make the problems go away, but it puts them in perspective. I see the burdens for what they are: a temporary blip in light of eternity. My summer job eventually came to an end. And in forgiving my parents for their lack of skill in raising me, I developed compassion for them and the burdens THEY were carrying. So what does all this mean for YOU? I wonder what relational burdens you are carrying that are making life weary for you? Where there are no easy answers. Where there's nowhere to go for you to find rest. Regardless of your circumstances, coming to a relationship with Jesus certainly helps. His gentleness stands in sharp contrast to the strident nature of the times in which we live. Like the contrast I saw in those city bus ads so long ago. The Lutheran ad for Jesus in the middle of a cigarette ad on one side, and an ad for whisky on the other. There's something quite appealing and comforting about someone calling us to himself to find rest, who describes himself as gentle and humble. The main point of today's episode I'll leave you with this final thought: When we're tired, weary, and burdened, Jesus will sometimes do unusual things, like pacing an ad inside a city bus, inviting us to find rest in him, rest for our souls. For when our souls are at rest, the weight of the burdens we carry eases. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act by entering into a relationship with Jesus to find the rest you need. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to listen to 100: Relationships We Didn't Choose 056: Changing How We Think 094: Self-Awareness Deepen Our Relationships

"During my mission trip to India, I kept a detailed diary of the events, feelings, and experiences of my time. When I was writing I thought I would use the entries as notes for future blogs or maybe a book. So I wrote honestly and vulnerably, not expecting anyone to ever read it. But when I came home and years passed I realized that I would probably never take the time to write the blogs and I thought that would be the end of it. But this Spring I started reading my journal again and I realized that I wrote the entries as if I was blogging. They were blogs to God, and to myself. Some were prayers and some were lists. I realized that I didn't need to change what I originally wrote to make it beautiful, the beauty was already there because it was authentic. So I have decided to publish my journal. All the vulnerable and cringe-worthy parts as well. The value of that summer is the truth of what I saw, felt, and experienced without any filters or edits. So here is my heart from India, with all the raw and beautiful parts intact." -Lindsey's book descriptionLindsey is a dear friend from my time completing the Pittsburgh Fellows program,  a lover of Jesus, AND the interim youth director at St. Stephen's Church in Sewickley, PA. She has a heart for missions, people, and God, and it shines through in everything she does. I'm so grateful she is sharing the story of her book with us on the podcast today. Can't wait for you guys to hear it! Here are some things we mentioned in this episode:Lindsey's bookLindsey's blog and website Lindsey's Instagram: @lindseyreichBe sure to stay up to date with Abundant Life: You Were Made for More by visiting our blog - and if you're loving the podcast, send guest recommendations to us or leave us a star-rating/review on your favorite listening platform to spread the word about the you were made for more message.You Were Made for More Social Media: FacebookTwitterInstagram

Relationships we pursue, that we choose, can be fulfilling because they meet a need we have. We have a measure of control in these relationships. They are the low-hanging fruit of the relational world. But relationships we didn't choose can be just as fulfilling and life-giving. Keep listening to hear how.  Breakfast with our grandsons The other day Janet and I took our twin grandsons out for breakfast. It was a send-off for Grant who will be taking a leave of absence from his barista job at Starbucks. He's going to work as a counselor at a youth camp in northern Wisconsin for the summer. George is staying behind to work at Target. The boys told us how their recently completed first year of college went, and we just marveled at how they've grown in so many ways. We love getting together with them, for they make us feel young. They make us laugh, both when we're with them, and 12 hours later without them. That's when the humor of what they said earlier in the day unexpectedly pops out of our memory bank, like a cork from a wine bottle. And we laugh all over again. When I was their age Our breakfast get-together got me thinking of what life was like for me when I was their age. They're both 19 years old. When I was 19, rather than working at a summer youth camp, or an air-conditioned department store, I worked during the summer in a hot, sweaty factory with few windows (can you hear the violins playing in the background?) The person I was at age 19 was largely the product of relationships I didn't choose. Relationships I didn't seek out. Relationships initiated by someone else. I know you have relationships you didn't choose either. For example, none of us chose our parents or other family members. In my situation, my mother was single when I was born, living with two female roommates. Because of how unwed mothers were viewed at that time, she placed me with a foster family. She would visit me most Tuesday evenings, as I was told by one of her roommates after Mom died in 2003. These weekly visits continued for the first 15 months of my life until my mother married my step-father and I got to move back with her and my new dad. The kindness I received from relationships I didn't choose When I think of these early relationships I didn't choose, I think of how blessed I was to be the recipient of the kindness of others. The kindness of my mother not to abort me, in spite of the shame she must have experienced. There was the kindness of her roommate, Kay, who helped my mother keep my existence a secret from their landlord, and otherwise helped her be the best mother she could be - from a distance. I learned much of my very early life from Kay after Mom died. Once when I was asking her what she knew about my birth father, she stopped at one point and said, “You need to know, John, your mother was NOT THAT kind of girl.” The firmness in her voice told me she cared deeply for her former roommate's reputation. Kay accompanied my mother on her Tuesday evening visits to me. She told me I was cared for well by the foster family I lived with. “They were a very nice couple,” Kay said. I've wondered about them from time to time. I thought of trying to track them down like I did my birth father, but I imagine they are deceased by now. But I imagine they too, must have been kind to me. I trust Kay's impression of them. Kay herself was a kind woman, and though she never said so, I suspect she helped my mother financially before Mom married Dad. Family relationships Then there was my Dad. Kay knew him before my mother did, and she introduced them to each other. When he married Mom it got her out of the shameful jam she was in with me. He was a kind man to her and others. My dad's mom, my grandmother, was another relationship I didn't choose. Yet she was the kindest adult I experienced in my childhood. Up to the time I was in first grade or so, she lived with us, and there always seemed to be a conflict between her and my mother. Yet she never said an unkind word about my mom. Never any hint of disdain for her son marrying an unwed mother with a small boy at her hip. A relationship I didn't choose in high school In high school, the guidance counselor assigned to me was a relationship neither one of us chose. Yet her out-of-the-ordinary kindness had a profound impact on my life. Mrs. Roller pulled some strings to get financial aid for me so I could leave home to go away to college. A college where I first heard about Jesus, who chose to have a relationship with me. She also found a job for me that I worked during summers in college, and Christmas break in December, to pay for my schooling.  This is the factory job I mentioned earlier. Since I was 19, there have been more people who have been in a relationship with me that wasn't their choice. But I'll stop with the ones I've mentioned. It occurred to me that the younger we are the more relationships we have with people who didn't choose us. But as 19-year-old college students, our grandsons are entering a stage of life where more of their relationships will be of their own choosing. I pray they will choose well by calling up Jesus to give them the discernment and wisdom they'll need to reflect the character of God in extending the same type of kindness to others that they've received. May the same be true of all of us. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: We all have relationships with people who didn't choose us. I wonder who those people are for you. Neighbors? In-laws? Colleagues at work? Your children? Other relatives? Be kind to them. They didn't choose you. Pay it forward. Think of the kindness you received in the relationships from people who didn't choose you. Pass that same kind of kindness on to others. Certainly, pick the low-hanging fruit of relationships with people you easily connect with. With people you choose. At the same time, consider the possibility there might be a richness found in relationships you didn't choose - if you worked just a little harder at that relationship. If you happen to be in a relationship that is a difficult one, May God give you the strength and power to reflect his character well in that hard situation. Even if the favor is never returned. In closing, I'll leave you with this thought Be kind to people who didn't choose to have a relationship with you, but who have one with you anyway. It will bring out the best in you. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at]caring for others [dot] org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. I really would appreciate any insights you have. I feel drawn to this topic and would like to explore it further. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act on the relationships you have that you didn't choose. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to listen to 005 The Gift of Joy - Part 1 090: Encourage Ourself by Observing Others

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 109, Rekindle Relationships by Remembering. Because of the global pandemic, it had been about 15 months since my wife Janet and I last saw our friend in person. I'll call her “Katherine,” a name I'm making up because she is a very private person and dislikes any attention drawn to her. She'll probably cringe when she hears this episode. But as we near the tail-end of Covid-19's grip on us all, Katherine did something so beautiful that I need to share it with all of you. It was such a kind and thoughtful gesture that rekindled her relationship with my wife Janet. It was something we can all do with our own relationships. Keep listening to pick up a great idea or two to stimulate your thinking of how you can come out from our global relational hibernation. My story starts with a phone call from Katherine. She asked if anyone was going to be home because she wanted to drop something off for Janet. When Katherine arrived Janet hadn't gotten home yet, so she gave me a card to give her and a medium-size house plant. What followed was a simple, natural, heartfelt expression of the ORA principle of deepening one's relationships we've been talking about in recent episodes: Observe - Remember - Ask. If you're new to the podcast I'll have links in the show notes to an episode or two explaining this concept. For today though, I'm going to change the A in ORA to something else, which I'll explain in a minute. Observe The Observe component of ORA started off with Katherine saying, “I've been thinking about Janet and how her mom died over a year ago, but because of Covid the memorial service she wanted to have for her never happened.” At this point Katherine started to get a little choked up, but continued, “I've been thinking how hard that must have been Janet, and how hard it must be now a year later because I know she had such a close relationship with mother. So I want her to have this plant; it's just like the one I have. It's easy to maintain, and when she looks at it, I hope it reminds her of her Mom.” So what does this have to do with Observe? Katherine observed something within herself in thinking how life must be for Janet, a year past her mother's death, unable to have honored her mom with a normal memorial service because of Covid. She put herself in Janet's shoes and imagined how she must feel. It's a great way to rekindle relationships with someone you have not seen in a while. I saw Katherine's empathy for Janet as she choked up in explaining about the plant. Katherine was feeling what she imagined Janet was feeling. It was really quite touching for me to see this in Katherine. Like Janet's mom, Katherine's mother also suffers from Alzheimer's Disease. I wonder if this shared experience enabled Katherine to more closely identify with Janet. Remember So what about the Remember component of ORA? Where does that come in here? I hope that's obvious, Katherine remembered a year ago when Janet's mother died and couldn't grieve in the normal way we grieve when a loved one dies. It was more difficult to remember, because there was no personal face-to-face contact over the past 15 months. A Zoom conversation and maybe a phone call took place, but Katherine's work kept her extremely busy, away from interpersonal contact with friends. Observing what was going on inside her emotionally, and remembering what Janet must be going through, prompted Katherine to move to the next stage of ORA. I wonder what difficult things your friends have gone through that would be helpful for you to remember and then respond as Katherine did. Act In the past, I've said the A in ORA stood for Ask. Ask questions, Inquire. Don't assume. Find out stuff first hand. Get people to define their terms. But this encounter with Katherine leads me to change the A from Ask to Act. Because that was what Katherine did. She acted. Now, I don't want to disregard “Ask” altogether. Asking is one form of acting. I'm sure we'll come back to this from time to time. In this situation, Katherine acted by bringing Janet a plant she thought she would like because it was a plant Katherine herself liked. And because she thought it would remind Janet of her mom, and that one of her friends cared and understood the loss she was experienced. In addition to the plant, Katherine also dropped off a card for Janet. It's a simple, but meaningful thing to do when you want to rekindle relationships. By the time Janet got home, Katherine had left. She was quite taken by the plant and told me she had been looking for a plant just that size. Then she opened the card from Katherine. The Greeting Card Now I need to tell you Janet is one of those people who really pays attention to greeting cards, and spends time searching for just the right one that captures whatever thought or emotion she wants to express. Katherine's card was just perfect. It would have been the kind of card Janet would have picked out herself for someone. The cover of the card shows a straw hat placed on the seat of an empty chair. It's placed outside among a group of black-eyed Susans and other wildflowers. At the bottom of the cover is simply the word, “She” followed by the tilde punctuation mark, ~. When you open the card, at the top, you see the imprint, “was quite a lady.” That's it. The whole card simply stated, She was quite a lady. Katherine then wrote in her own beautiful handwriting, "Janet, I've been thinking a lot lately about how you miss your mom every day, and that it must be especially hard on days like Mother's Day. From the stories you and John have told, I know that you inherited a lot of her qualities - you too are kind, a good cook, a servant, Keeper of a warm and inviting home, and always there for your kids and grandkids. Even though you miss her more than I can imagine, a part of her lives on in you, and you are passing on her legacy to your children and grandchildren as you love and care for them. Because you - like your mother - are also quite a lady. With much love, Katherine" After reading the card, Janet was quite moved by it and called Katherine to thank her for it and the plant. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to rekindle relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: I bet if you were to think about it, you could come up with the name of a friend or two who's been in relational hibernation because of the pandemic. And I suspect in thinking about such a friend, you can probably recall a significant life event they've experienced recently. Maybe the anniversary of the death of a loved one, liked Katherine remembered. Or maybe the joy of a graduation or a birth. Or maybe a happy or sad experience your friend is going through now. After your effort to remember, ask God to show you what action he'd like you to take to acknowledge what your friend might be experiencing. Some action that lets your friend know you care. Just ask God. He'll tell you what to do. If you forget everything else, here's the one thing I hope you remember from today's episode. Coming out of the Covid pandemic is a great opportunity to rekindle relationships by blessing someone with a God-inspired action you can take. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode about rekindling relationships by remembering. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. If you're new to the podcast, you might want to check out some of the prior episodes that talk about the ORA principle for deepening our relationships. I list four of them with their links in the show notes. Episodes 89 and 90, as well as episodes 93 and 96. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 096: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships 093: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships 090: Encourage ourself by observing others 089: How to be a better observer of people  You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

The most rewarding relationships are often found within our own families. But they can also be the most challenging, as well. Fortunately, people of faith can draw comfort from Jesus knowing that he understands what it's like to grow up in a family that has difficulties when it comes to relationships. Because he grew up in such a family himself. A family that rejected him. Listen in to learn how knowing that Jesus understands can help us. In last week's episode, no. 107, Seeing is Believing - Or Is It? we considered Jesus' comment, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family." We talked about how the townspeople of Nazareth rejected Jesus. But in today's episode, I want to reflect on the rejection Jesus faced from his family and relatives in this same story. For he gives us an example of what to do when we experience rejection from our own family Jesus faces rejection from his family But first the context. Here's the story again from Mark 6, the first 6 verses. The context of Jesus' comments “Jesus left that part of the country and returned with his disciples to Nazareth, his hometown. The next Sabbath he began teaching in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. They asked, 'Where did he get all this wisdom and the power to perform such miracles?' Then they scoffed, 'He's just a carpenter, the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon. And his sisters live right here among us.' They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family.' And because of their unbelief, he couldn't do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their unbelief.” Jesus played several relational roles in his family, just as we do in ours Because of this, we know he understands the challenges we face in those same roles in our family. Jesus knew what it was like growing up in a large family, 4 brothers at least 2 sisters, likely 3, maybe more. His 4 brothers are named, but none of the sisters. Jesus was the firstborn of the family. He identifies with other 1st borns. I'm a firstborn. Many of you are, too. Where was Joseph? Was he dead? Little mention of him. With the exception of his mother, Jesus was rejected by his own family and relatives as Mark's Gospel tells us. Scripture is silent about Joseph in this context. I wonder if Jesus' siblings were jealous of him? Did they see their parents as favoring Jesus over them? Yet as adults we know that at least some of them traveled with him and his disciples. We also know The brothers of Jesus had wives (I Corinthians 9:5) Jesus was a brother-in-law. He had sisters-in-law Jesus was most likely an uncle He identified with our struggles. He knew firsthand the challenges we all face in being part of a family. So what does all this mean for us? What are we to do when our family or relatives reject us here in the 21st century? For one thing, don't give up on the people who reject us. In time, they could come around. And cherish your relationship with those who still accept you. Some of Jesus' brothers still followed him around from time to time, from village to village. It doesn't appear that all his siblings rejected him. And then there is his mother, Mary. What a mom she must have been, trying to navigate and encourage relationships between her children with their most extraordinary sibling, Jesus. I wonder what Mary felt to see some of her other children reject her firstborn son. The family member who stayed with Jesus at the end Then at the end, Mary was the only family member there with Jesus at the cross, at his crucifixion. No other family member was present. Imagine what it must have like for her to watch her son die a slow agonizing death right in front of her. But she was there to support her oldest son. She was with him at Bethlehem, and now she's with him at Calvary. Bookends to the greatest life ever lived. A second thing we can do when our family rejects us is to draw closer to Jesus. Our family's rejection can draw us closer to Jesus Knowing that Jesus experienced what it's like to be rejected by his family makes him easier to approach because he knows what it's like. Jesus understands. He gets us. He longs for us to come to him for wisdom, comfort, and strength to deal with our family when they reject us. When we draw closer to Jesus he enables us to do what he did when his earthly family rejected him. He moved on, focusing more on his heavenly family, with God the Father as its head. Jesus didn't reject his earthly family, as they did him. No, he still created space for them in his life. But his attention was directed to fulfilling God's plan for his time on earth, and not simply to gain approval from his family. May the same be true of all of us. Today's main idea to help in your relationships If you forget everything else, here's the one thing I hope you remember from today's episode. Because Jesus went through rejection from his own earthly family and relatives, he is someone we can turn to when the same thing happens to us. He understands. He gets us. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships, even when you experience rejection in those relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related resources you may want to check out: Episode 107: Seeing is Believing - Or Is It? 13 Bible Verses about Christ's Earthly Family You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Melissa Giles is the Marketing and Development Coordinator for Human Life Alliance, a nonprofit, pro-life informational organization dedicated to creating a culture in which all human life, from the moments of fertilization to natural death, is respected and cherished. Distribution of HLA's compelling materials have reached 232.4 million people over the past 31 years in all 50 U.S. states, 88 different countries, and all seven continents.Missy graduated from Eastern Michigan University with BA in Entrepreneurship. She founded a professional wedding photographer company and most recently served as a missionary for a non-profit Christian organization at the University of Michigan.She also has a diverse background working as a professional wedding photographer, and nonprofit mission work with college students. Currently in her role at HLA, she leads students through asking hard questions like... “If you're pro-life, why? If you're going to take the stance of being pro-choice, can you back that up?” These are all important questions to ask ourselves, and we have to be able and willing to ask tough questions in order to be educated about cultural issues that can so easily divide us. We're going to chat with Missy about what it looks like to become educated on these issues and why we should be passionate about them. What I love about Missy's story is that she's able to see now how various jobs aren't “lost” - that there was purpose in her faithfully going where God called her for a certain season because there was purpose in each one. Let's dive into this conversation!Here are some things we mentioned in the podcast:Human Life Alliance Website (remember, they produce materials that can teach you 99% of the info you need to know about the culture of life! check it out today!)Be sure to stay up to date with Abundant Life: You Were Made for More by visiting our blog - and if you're loving the podcast, send guest recommendations to us or leave us a star-rating/review on your favorite listening platform to spread the word about the you were made for more message.You Were Made for More Social Media: FacebookTwitterInstagram

Pastor Scott and Jesse Coonen tear into Pastor Shawn's message, "You Were Made for This" by examining what finding hope looks like. Along the way, they discover that hope does not come from fleeting happiness. When we're at a loss for hope, we only find the answers on a different channel or in a different room. -- Watch the full message we're chewing on http://bit.ly/LCGBHomepage (here) http://bit.ly/discussnowpc (Download) the discussion questions for your pocket Support this podcast

“Seeing is believing” isn’t always true. We believe what we want to believe, even when what we see and experience contradicts our beliefs. Learn how to get past this in today's episode, number. 107 You’ve probably heard this one before, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown.” Today we’ll take a look at the origin of this centuries-old saying, and how it relates to another old adage, “seeing is believing.” They both have implications for our relationships here in the 21st century. Let’s start with a prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown. If you happen to be a person of faith you may recognize the phrase as originating from the mouth of Jesus. We see it recorded in both the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 13, verse 57, as well as in Mark 6:4. The Context I’ll read the passage from Matthew 13, starting in verse 53: When Jesus had finished telling these stories and illustrations [ a lot of teaching about the Kingdom of God through a variety of parables near Capernaum and the Sea of Galilee], he left that part of the country. He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, “Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?” Then they scoffed, “He’s just the carpenter’s son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers—James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn all these things?” And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him. Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.” And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief. The gospel writer Mark adds another detail To this account from Matthew, the gospel writer Mark adds that Jesus was not honored even among his own family and relatives (Mark 6:4). Mark also goes on to say “…and because of their unbelief, he [Jesus] couldn’t do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their unbelief.” Seeing is believing certainly didn't work for them. They went from amazement about his wisdom and the miracles he performed to outright disdain in very short order. There’s an interesting play on words here. The townspeople were amazed at the wisdom of Jesus and the miracles he performed, and Jesus was amazed at their unbelief. The teachings of Jesus brought into question their assumptions about life and were a threat to their worldview. The reaction of the people of Nazareth illustrates significant characteristics about the human condition and our natural tendencies in relating to each other. It teaches us what not to do in our relationships. The obvious things we see in this story For example, we tend to put people in categories or boxes, often subconsciously, based on our assumptions. He’s JUST the carpenter’s son. This immediately marginalized Jesus because of his father’s occupation. A kick in the teeth to Joseph. The townspeople further discount Jesus because of his mother and his siblings, for they’re perceived as nothing special either. In their minds, the whole family comes from the other side of the tracks. I wonder if Jesus was seen as illegitimate since his parents were not married when he was conceived. What could someone from this type of background possibly have anything to offer us seems to be their mindset about Him. They were amazed by the miracles they saw Jesus perform. Yet they dismissed them. Who is he to be telling us all this? The townspeople ignored what they saw and experienced. “Seeing is believing” certainly wasn’t true for them. The disdain of the townspeople I believe is rooted in the notion that people don’t change. That we can’t rise above our origins or circumstances. When someone accomplishes something of note that’s not typical of a certain station of life, we don’t know what to do with them. The not-so-obvious in this story We create a narrative for things and people we don’t understand. I don’t understand math, therefore math isn’t important, is a narrative I’ve created for myself. I explain it in a book I’m writing entitled There Are 3 Kinds of People in the World: Those Who Understand Math and Those Who Don’t. The people of Nazareth who knew Jesus from the time he was a little boy had no category for him. They didn’t understand him, “Where did he learn all these things?” was their question. Matt. 13:56 The easiest thing to do when we don’t understand someone is to dismiss them, “They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.” Matt 13:57 We sometimes experience what Jesus experienced You see this in organizations, ministries, and churches when it comes to relational problems and conflicts. To solve these problems it’s easier to fire people than to do the hard work of understanding everyone involved. Four examples quickly come to mind. In all 4 cases, relational conflicts were not addressed, because that would have taken a lot of time to understand the issues from the viewpoint of ALL parties. Instead, ONE person in the conflict was listened to by the leadership, who then terminated the OTHER person involved in the conflict. It was quick and efficient at the time. But each of these conflict resolutions had the unintended consequence of destroying any credibility in the leadership who made those terminations. Getting back to the people of Nazareth. They didn’t believe what they saw because what they saw contradicted what they already believed, He’s JUST a carpenter’s son, whose parents had to get married because he was conceived before the wedding. We know the family and they’re nothing special. What this carpenter’s son is telling us means we will have to change how we live, and we don’t want to change. So what does all this mean for US? What are the implications for our relationships in the 21st century? When it comes to relating to others, question our assumptions about people. Unlike the townspeople of Nazareth, pay greater attention to the fruit of someone’s life than where they came from and their backstory. Ask ourselves, what narrative have I created in my mind to make sense of someone I don’t quite understand? Stay away from personality tests like the Myers-Briggs and Enneagram. They create self-fulling prophecies and they microwave our understanding of people. We are much more complicated than what any personality test can try to measure. Just Google “accuracy of the Myers-Briggs test” and you’ll see how no serious psychologist considers it valid. Instead, make an effort to get to know others without any preconceived notion about them. Practice the O.R.A. principle of deepening our relationships. Observe. Remember. Ask. When it comes to relating to Jesus Finally, trust what Jesus told us 2,000 years ago is still true. Believe it even if you don’t see it. Believe anyway. Put your faith in Him, and not in your own abilities. The only reason you have any skill at all is because he equipped you with the ability to acquire that skill. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. When it comes to relationships, believe what you see in people, rather than preconceived notions we may have of them and their backstory. Consider the fruit of people’s lives, for they may be showing us a better way to live. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. A related episode you may want to listen to 037: A Two-Step Process to Solve Relationship Conflicts

Susan Moser lived in shame, guilt and anger for nearly 30 years. Being born with a rare form of cancer -- the only documented case in a newborn -- Moser didn't want her health realities to define her life. So she hid them and in that silence grew a deep seeded belief that because she was born with cancer, she was inherently a bad person. This created a debilitating sense of doubt and judgment across all areas of her life, which she ultimately unwound in order to embody sustained empowered self-worth. Driven to support others in finding similar freedom, Susan launched Grow Into Greatness as a vehicle for motivation and mentorship to ignite mindset revolutions in others and to empower them to feel confidence in owning their authenticity so they can live what she calls “a light your soul on fire life.” By using the lens of her story, and the application of her 3D Method framework and others, she provides pathways and tools to transform your mind to fuel you and bring ease to daily life. Susan is a mother via gestational carrier, ostomite, lawyer and VP of business development in the insurance industry, founder of Grow Into Greatness and a co-author of the best seller “You Were Made to Be Unstoppable”. Susan has been featured on CBS Sunday Morning, Positive Self-Story Teller, Vibrant Life Show, More with Mollie, The Stupid Cancer Show, Survivors Around You, Ellie and has appeared as a speaker on navigating the impact of traumatic health realities on numerous occasions, including at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center's Survivorship Day. Links: IG--www.Instagram.com/suemodo17 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/susan-mos... Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/growi... Website: www.growtintogreatnessnow.com My link: https://linktr.ee/chrisdtgordon Theme music and post-production by @nateberan

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 106. At the time of this recording here in the US, we are turning the Covid-19 corner. More and more people are getting out and starting to think about taking a vacation. I hope that’s true for you in whatever part of the world you are in right now. If you are planning to go on a vacation with your family this summer, it’s important to know that a great family vacation takes careful planning beyond how to get to our destination, and what to pack for the time away. Great family vacations happen when we pay attention to relationships and what we can do to nurture them. And that’s what this episode is all about. A great family vacation starts with this A great family vacation starts with your family meeting together well before leaving for your trip. Meet to discuss the first three of five important keys to making your family vacation the best ever. Don’t forget to include the kids. Even very young children can participate. The time spent investing in this planning stage will help build anticipation and excitement for your time together. And it will help build better family relationships and great vacation memories. Know what you want Spend time clarifying your expectations. Write them down. What type of family vacation do you want this to be? The more you know what you want, the easier it will be to get it. If you’re not sure what you want you leave yourself open to disappointment. If you’re clear with what you want, you can take steps to get it. Think this through before you go. Lots of activity, or read books by the beach for a week? Stop at historical markers on your drive, or keep those wheels rolling? Visit historical sites, or spend the time at amusement parks? Do everything together, or allow for some alone time? Mind readers are staying home Don’t expect people to read your mind, because mind readers aren’t coming with you. Tell people what you would like to make the vacation a good one for you. Share your exceptions with your family before you leave on your trip. Don’t assume the rest of your family will know what you want because they won’t. Remember what’s been said of assumptions: Assumption is the lowest form of communication ... followed closely by email. Do you want to stay up late to watch movies or play board games? Or do you prefer to get up before dawn to watch the sunrise? Listen to what others want A family vacation isn’t just about you. The rest of your family has expectations just as you do. Find out what they are. Ask. Draw people out. Get the rest of your family to express what they want. The more you know the expectations of others, the less tension there will be, and the fewer surprises. Do this before you leave the house. We used this with our grandkids on a 2-day trip to our favorite vacation destination. They surprised us with what they wanted to do. They just wanted to chill. Picnics in the park, miniature golf, and swimming in the motel pool were as active as they wanted to be. All three of these keys are important to consider before you ever leave the house. Then when the big day arrives and you’re off on your trip, it’s time to put into place the two final keys to making a great family vacation happen. Find humor in the disappointments We’ve all heard that the two things that are inevitable are death and taxes. To these we can add some disappointment in a family vacation. The weather won’t be quite right. The traffic may be congested. Someone will get sick. You’ll lose something. It’s all part of life. It’s all part of what to expect. Looking for humor in what goes wrong will help create memories to laugh about at Thanksgiving dinner. Story of the Scott Lad Motel outside of Washington, DC (Sorry - no transcript is available.) Debrief at the end of each day Meet as a group and share with your family what went well, and what didn’t. Each person gets to talk about the highlight and lowlight for them. What was funny, what was disappointing? Were expectations met, both yours and others? Talk about any mid-course corrections that may need to be made. Have expectations changed? What part can everyone play in making tomorrow better for everyone? Find someone to complement or affirm for how they acted today. Make a contest out of it. Give awards. Keep score. How can you use what we’ve considered today? Download a copy of 5 Keys to Making Your Family Vacation the Best Ever Make a copy for each person going with you on your family vacation. Then discuss the 5 keys well before you leave home. If you go on a vacation with friends, people not in your family, all of these principles apply. Use them. If you are a missionary and your family is on home assignment, most of these principles will apply. A home assignment is certainly not a vacation, for you are often subject to the expectations of others. But to the extent you have control over your time and your own expectations, the greater these principles will apply. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Use your family vacation to enjoy each other, not just the sites you see. Embrace that great quote from Walt Whitman, “We were together, I forgot the rest.” I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode, unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. P.S. You might want to check out this blog post regarding the Walt Whitman quote of the year.

An effective way to connect with people is to learn how to listen better. Books teaching practical listening skills are a good place to start. We talk about one in today's episode. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 105. I have a question for you today. If you want to connect with people to form meaningful relationships with them, where do you start? Today’s episode will answer this question by showing one way you can begin to develop deeper relationships with people. Keep listening to learn how. I can tell you one way that doesn’t work is to try connecting with others by talking. By offering your commentary on whatever you see, hear, or think about it. By filling the airwaves with the sound of your voice. And by talking at people, rather than talking with them. A far more effective way to connect with people is to listen to them. The apostle James had it right when he said, “Be quick to listen and slow to speak.” Too many of us do just the opposite, we’re quick to speak, and we’re slow to listen. So if listening to people is an effective way to connect with them, how do we do that? How do we learn to listen better? Learn how through reading One way is to read books on the subject. The problem though is there isn’t a lot of books written on listening. There are many books on communication, but almost universally they’re about the talking part of communication. How to get your point across, how to negotiate, how to have difficult conversations with people. Talk, talk, talk. And more talk. Even my favorite singer, Marcel Marceau, tried to get in the act with his book on how to communicate better with your speaking. It was a very short book, and the sales just weren’t there. Stick to your day job, Marcel. However, I was surprised a while back when I saw a new book that had come out on how to listen better. So I bought it, read it, and found it useful. Today I want to tell you about the book and why I recommend you read it. I think you’d do yourself a favor by reading it because it answers the question, how do I get started in connecting with people in order to form meaningful relationships with them? The name of the book is I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. The Author Michael S. Sorensen is a marketing executive. Not a therapist, trainer or life coach. His book is about what he learned from his therapist, trainer, and life coach Single guy when he wrote the book © 2017 Who the book is for People who don’t read very much. It’s an easy to read book Those who want to be a better listener. Who want to improve their skill level Who feel they’re not connecting with people Those prone to give advice and fix problems People willing to try something new to deepen their relationship Managers or co-workers The book is not for people who are already good listeners, who easily connect with people. If people are coming to you and confiding in you with their hurts or problems, you don’t need this book. It’s also not for academics or professional counselors. Structure of the Book 139 pages. Bibliography/Endnotes of 8 sources Besides the introduction and afterword, the book has 10 brief chapters divided into 3 sections. “My goal has been to make this book a quick read; something you can blaze through in a weekend and revisit as needed., p. 12” At the end of each chapter is a summary. You could read just these short summaries and get the gist of the book. It’s like the Cliffs Notes of the book Premise of the book We will have significant and sustainable relationships to the extent we listen well to people. Listening well starts with resisting the urge to give advice and fix problems for people, and ends with affirming the feelings of people who talk to us. That’s it in a nutshell. Take-aways from the book The author talks a lot about “validation,” which is his way of describing affirming the emotion expressed by someone to you. It’s really integral to active listening and empathy. To this, Sorensen adds it’s important for the listener to acknowledge justification for feeling that emotion. e.g, “You seem really upset over what she said to you; I’d be upset, too, if she said that to me.” The book is consistent with the O.R.A. principle of deepening relationships we’ve been talking about on this podcast. Observe - Remember - Ask. The book is a heavy dose of “Observe.” One of the strengths of the book is how he treats invalidating responses, things like, “you’ll be fine, it could be worse, at least, don’t worry; things will work out He gives examples of validating what someone is feeling even though you disagree with the other person’s interpretation of an event The author shares ideas of how to develop empathy, the first one is “Get curious.” We had two episodes on this subject: 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus 063: Six Reason Why We’re not More Curious About People, and What We’re Missing as a Result Why It’s Worth Reading It’s a “How-to” book. It gives examples of how to put the premise of the book into practice He also shares examples of what not to do, for example, never say to someone, “I know exactly how you feel.” It’s an easy and fast read Practical, not technical. Lot’s of examples to illustrate his points It’s a first step for those who want to deepen their relationships by becoming better listeners The author mentions good listening is a skill, and like any skill needs to be practiced and repeated. It’s in keeping with what we talked about in episodes 11-14 on the four levels of relationship skills. I’ll have links to these episodes in the show notes. Amazon Reviews of the Book About 1600 reviews, 4.5 out of 5-star rating Most people raved about the book for its simplicity and practicality There were many, this book changed my life it was so good reviews Also, a few the book was boring reviews The negative reviews were either about the book was poorly bound and pages out of order - or - it was simplistic, and the author repeated himself. It could have been a book even shorter than it was. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Start by reading the book. Get it from your library or buy a copy. If it resonates with you, put in to practice what the author suggests. If that goes well, ask a few people if they’d like to go through the book as a group. Form a little book club. Practice the principles mentioned in the book as a group. It would be a great summer read. If you lead a group of people in your job, church, or organization, read the book as a group and discuss it. It would be a great way for the people you lead to learn how to care for each other by learning how to listen better. I used to help train counselors at a lay counseling class at our church, and had this book been around at the time I would have used it: I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Our best chance for developing meaningful connections with people is to learn how to listen better. The book we’ve been discussing, I Hear You, is a good place to start. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Now go out and get the book. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Resource mentioned in today’s show I Hear You - The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships, by Michael S. Sorensen Related episodes you may want to listen to 011 Relationship Skills - Level 1 012 Relationship Skills - Level 2 013 Relationship Skills - Level 3 014 Relationship Skills - Level 4  

We deepen our relationships when we consider what might be the question behind the question asked of us, and then address the deeper issue. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 104. One of the things I like about our podcast is the engagement I find with our listeners. It’s one of the benefits of listening to You Were Made for This that I spoke about in our very first episode back in late November of 2018. I’ll have a link to that episode, 001 Six Reasons to Listen to this Podcast, in the show notes for listeners who may have missed it. I so enjoy getting your comments about our weekly episodes. Most are brief and encouraging, which I very much appreciate. And then every so often we’ll get a more lengthy response that challenges and stimulates my thinking. One such response from a listener came in recently that I found most interesting, and which is the basis of today’s show. It’s a concept that can help you transform your relationships into the best they can be. So keep listening. Listener response from Pittsburgh Not too long ago I received an email from Randy, a long-time listener to the podcast. Randy happens to be the Director of Financial Aid at the University of Pittsburgh. Randy wrote to me with his reaction to episode 097, Good Things Happen If We Ask. He related the episode to the work he does in the world of academic financial aid. Here is what Randy wrote: “While your focus on the podcast was about asking questions, this also took me down the path of when I meet with students and families.  Most are so new to the process of applying for financial aid they do not know the questions to be asking.  So, I approach answering their question, by then taking them on a journey of connecting dots to important pieces that address the real questions they need to have answered to ultimately be able to make their decision about affordability in attending our institution. “ “We often think we are asking the right question when in reality we either are not asking the right question or only skimming the surface.  So, hopefully, as we become better question askers, we can also help others do the same by how we answer their questions.” Accounting: I didn’t know what I didn’t know My experience with setting up my accounting when I started my former business An important question behind the question John the Baptist was in prison when he heard all the things Jesus was doing. So he sent his disciples to ask Jesus, “Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?“ Matthew 11:3 The disciples’ question is loaded with emotion. Behind the question is wondering, “have we made a mistake in following you? Our leader, John, your cousin, is stuck in prison while you’re doing all these wonderful things. If you’re truly the one we’ve been waiting for, why is John locked up, unable to help you?” A tinge of hopelessness, discouragement, and the feeling of "maybe we should cut our losses and move on" Fear that we may have made a mistake Fear that we’ve wasted a lot of time Wondering, is it all true. Can we trust you to be who you say you are? Jesus responds to the question behind the question In answering John’s disciples, he addresses 3 different people: The disciples - John the Baptist himself - the crowds that were listening in on all this. To the disciples, he doesn’t give a yes or no answer to their yes or no question. Instead, he answers their question behind the question. He answers by reminding them what they have heard and seen, and then go back and remind John of the same thing “the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is being preached to the poor.” In essence, lives are being transformed And then there is this oh so tender response to John himself, “God blesses those who do not turn away because of me.” In effect, hang in their John. You’re in prison because of the stand you took for me, and my Father is going to reward you for it. As John’s disciples begin to leave, Jesus turns to the crowd and praises John the Baptist, in verse 11 of Chapter 11, Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, of all who have ever lived, none is greater than John the Baptist.” So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Become more skilled in answering questions people ask, anticipate that there may be a deeper concern behind their surface question. Practice the ORA principle of deepening relationships: Observe - Remember - Ask Observe Pay attention to any emotion that comes with the question. Is there any fear? Any sadness? Anger? How about joy? Do you see any regret? Put yourself in the shoes of the person asking you the question. If you were in their shoes, what would you be thinking or feeling? Remember Remember what it was like for you when you didn’t know what you didn’t know. Draw from that experience to extend grace and understanding. Ask Ask follow-up questions. Get people to define their terms. Ask for examples. Get clarification. Ask God’s spirit for help in responding to the question that will be most helpful. If you're feeling like John the Baptist Reading from Sarah Young's, Jesus Today, Day 102. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode We deepen our relationships when we consider what might be an underlying question behind the question asked of us, and then address the deeper issue if one is present. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to listen to 001: Six Reasons to Listen to this Podcast 097: Good Things Happen If We Ask 064: Start With This Important Question to Ask 011: Relationship Skills - Level 1

The secret to great relationships is to give what you want to get. It’s your best chance to find joy in being the person God created you to be. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 103. When I first started reading the Bible as a young adult I remember reading it out of a red-letter edition, you know, the kind where all the words Jesus said were printed in red. I must confess, I found this annoying. It was harder to read and seemed to interrupt the flow of things. And maybe it’s just me, but I found it easier to gloss over whatever was written in red. Fast forward many decades, I have another one of those red-letter Bible. But it’s a lot different now. Several months ago I started reading through the Gospel of Matthew, but this time skimming over any words printed in black, and instead really focusing and meditating on all the words printed in red. All the direct words of Jesus. And I’m taking it slow this time. It’s just the opposite of what I used to do. Even atheists quote this Bible verse Not too long ago a verse in Matthew 7 I’ve read dozens of times stopped me in my tracks. It’s where Jesus said something that people have been quoting for nearly 2,000 years, even people who don’t believe in God. Here’s what Jesus said in verse 12 of Matthew 7: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” My reading of this verse took me aback because as I meditated on it, letting it simmer in my mind like your favorite crockpot recipe, it raised an important question in mind. One that we should all be asking. And that’s what the rest of this episode is about. So keep listening. Beyond being nice At one time or another, I think most parents have quoted the first part of Matthew 7:12 to their kids who were fighting with each other. I’m pretty sure I did when our two kids were little, and I’m pretty sure my parents said the same thing to my siblings and me. “Hey Johnny, if you want your sister to be nice to you, you’re going to have to start being nice to her.” Something along those lines. It always revolved around the word, “nice.” Being nice to each other. If you want your brother to be nice to you, then you need to be nice to him. It’s the “golden rule” after all. That was the goal, be nice, don’t argue or fight, so mom and dad can have some peace and quiet. The bar isn’t very high if all we want is people to be nice to us. Nice is not enough. It's certainly not the secret to great relationships. I want more in my interactions with people than niceness. And this is what led me to question: what exactly do I want from others? How do we want to be treated? How do I want people to treat me? To answer this question I started a list. I came up with 28 ways in which I’d like to be treated. I think if I spent more time on it, the list would be even longer. It surprised me; I didn’t think I was that needy. To make this list more manageable for our purposes today, I combined a few things, and here are the top 6 on my list. I would like the following from people: Kindness To be included Listened to Try to understand me Rejoice with me Bring out the best in me I wonder what would be on your list, what do you want people to do to you and for you? How do you want to be treated? Go ahead, make your own list. It’s one thing to know what I want from people; how to get it is quite another matter. The answer has been around for nearly 2,000 years. It’s to do what Jesus said: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” It’s the secret to great relationships This means I’m first going to have to give something of myself If I would like people to treat me with kindness, I must be kind to others. Since I want to be included, to be chosen, I will need to help others feel the same way, included, to be part of things. I’ll have to try to make sure others don’t feel left out. Because I want people to listen to me, I better listen well to others myself. Knowing how it’s important for me to be understood, it makes sense for me to extend myself in trying to understand others. If I want people to rejoice with me, I better be sure to share in the joys of others. I need to be happy for what other people have, that I don’t have. I can’t be jealous and thinking I wish I had what they had. Since I would really like my relationship with someone to bring out the best in me, then I need to be concerned with bringing out the best in others. No guarantees I notice though, in what Jesus said, Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you, there is no guarantee that because you treat people the way you want to be treated they will reciprocate. There’s no quid pro quo (literally “this for that”) when it comes to "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” Could it be that Jesus is telling us that the secret to great relationships is to give to others what you want from them, even if you never get what you want? Could he be telling us this? Where’s the joy in that, and is it even a relationship? I have a hunch that the joy in treating others the way we want to be treated - even if the favor is never returned - comes from being the person God created us to be, which is a reflection of his image and character. That’s where the joy comes from. In being all that we were meant to be. We were made for this. And if what we do to others is never extended to us, and leaves us feeling a bit hollow, that’s okay. Because it is enough that Jesus sees us. He knows. And the ache in our heart that comes from not getting what we need, well, he’ll surprise us in soothing over that ache in another way. It’s just the way it works. This too is the secret to great relationships. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: It starts with asking yourself, what do you want from others? To what extent are you willing to relate to others in the way you want them to relate to you? How willing are you to give to others what you want for yourself? And then realize, we can’t do any of this on our own, we need Jesus. We’re kidding ourselves if we think we can do it on our own. With him living inside of us he gives us the desire to Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” So if you’re finding it difficult to treat others as you would like to be treated, ask Jesus to help you. Ask him to help you obey his teaching, and then ask him for the power to do what he’s called you to do. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. The secret to great relationships is to treat others like you would like to be treated. But you need the Spirit of God living within you to do so. It’s your best chance to find joy in being for others what you want them to be for you. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Related episodes you may want to listen to: 091: Keeping your resolution to do good for others 086: How to begin the new year with joy 049: Sacrifice in relationships 004: The gift of even though Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. I hope today's show stimulated your thinking, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 102.  Today we're considering how to find joy in our relationships. We call our podcast, as you know, You Were Made for This. I’ve talked before what the “this” is. It’s the joy found in Godly relationships. We are made for relationships filled with joy. What I’ve tried to do in each episode is to show we can either create joy in our relationships or how we can find the joy that’s already there. Today’s episode is about the latter. Finding joy that’s already present. I’m going to share examples of joy I found in what listeners have commented upon in recent episodes, along with a bit of joy I received from a simple email from a friend. It will hopefully give you ideas of how to find the joy that’s already there in your relationships, just waiting for you to find it. Never say “never” I’ll start with Donna, a listener from the state of New York, who wrote to answer a question I asked a few episodes ago, namely, “What else are you doing when you listen to this podcast?” Donna wrote, “Normally I’m either spinning or weaving. I need something to concentrate on while engaging in both of those activities. Your podcast is perfect for that.” She then when on to comment on episode 98, The Myth of “It Never Hurts to Ask. Donna writes, “By the way, I like the idea of it ‘usually’ doesn’t hurt to ask, rather than “it NEVER hurts to ask.” She’s right! “Usually” is a far better term to use than “never.” Never is a pretty strong word. Little kids, when they complain to their parents will often say, “You NEVER let me do such and such…” I found joy in Donna’s comment because she added an important perspective to what I said in that episode. I wish I would have thought of saying it the way she said it, It usually doesn’t hurt to ask. In fact, my goal has now become to never say never in a sentence. Or I should say, “usually to not say never.” To tone it down a notch, to leave myself an out. Dodging a relational bullet Another listener by the name of Patty had this to say about The Myth of it Never Hurts to Ask. “Good morning John, I appreciated today's podcast!  I've been considering asking a family member a question that is of a sensitive nature. Per your advice, I will check my motive & consider the effect it may have on our close relationship. Asking family members sensitive questions can certainly be a land mine. It gave me a measure of joy to know something I said may have helped Patty dodge a bullet on this one, if I can mix metaphors here. Land mines. bullets. Family members. Maybe they all go together after all. Her comment reminded me of how I need to do the same thing: question my motives about all kinds of things I do or say. This will certainly help me navigate through all kinds of relational land mines. Patty ended with a P.S.: “I look forward to Wednesday mornings when I listen to you before getting out of bed to start the day.” I found joy in knowing listening to the podcast doesn’t put her back to sleep. Something to think about Well, moving on, Connie, wrote in to say “I save each of your podcasts for a beautiful day to walk around Fowler Lake.  You keep me company and always offer something to think about. Thank you.” What a great way to listen to a podcast, walking around a lake on a beautiful day. How peaceful it sounds. I find joy in just picturing Connie doing this, and also that she found something in the podcast worth thinking about. It also encouraged me to think more about relationships with friends. We can make them deeper and more life-giving when every now and then we sprinkle in something in our conversation that makes people think. What makes me think is when someone offers an opinion about something different from mine, based on a perspective I had not considered that makes sense. I really like it when someone tries to change my mind about something. A beautiful way to live Then we have Laura, a missionary, who also emailed her reaction to episode 98, The Myth of it Never Hurts to Ask. “Thanks for this John! I especially liked how you said to put yourself in a position that what you want is offered to you - then you know it’s from God. That’s a beautiful way to live!!!” What a beautiful phrase, That’s a beautiful way to live. And she’s right, it is a beautiful way to live. I found joy in knowing that what I said resonated with her. I’ve been learning the joy of being content with preparing for God to open doors, rather than me opening those doors myself. I’m more inclined to ring the doorbell, and knock on the front door if there’s no answer, then go to the back door and do the same thing, and if there’s still no answer, make a phone call to the person in the house, and if there’s no answer, send a text or an email, and if that doesn’t work, ask the next-door neighbor what’s up with these people, “have you seen them anywhere? Are they out of town?” And it goes on and on. Trying to open closed doors. So much better to just focus on Godly character and wait politely at the front door. If God doesn’t open that door it’s because he has another door in mind, or he just wants me to enjoy all the many other doors he has already opened in my lifetime. I found joy in Laura’s That’s a beautiful way to live comment It’s amazing what you can get for $1.20 I found another bit of surprising joy with something simple Janet and I did. A missionary friend of ours recently lost a family member in a tragic accident. Rather than emailing her, we mailed a card expressing our condolences across the Atlantic to her home in France. It cost $1.20 in postage. Our missionary friend later sent this brief email to us: “Just a quick note to say thank you for the lovely card and condolences:  It's so rare to get overseas mail anymore, and your words from across the ocean really touched my heart.  Thanks for thinking of me…." What a great return on an investment of $1.20 to “really touch someone’s heart.” I was surprised how this simple act brought me joy in knowing that you can touch someone’s heart for $1.20? To me, this is priceless to know I can make a difference in someone’s life with something so very simple. You can do this, too. We all can. You may recall how in episode 87 this past January, Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution, I commented on how sometimes using older technologies - like postal mail, can have a greater impact than newer technologies - like email. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: I wonder where God might show YOU joy in the unexpected places in YOUR relationships. This takes getting out of ourselves for a bit and considering how others view life in ways that are different from our own. Another idea is from time to time to sprinkle our conversations with something worth thinking about that goes beyond the mundane daily events of life. Talk about something substantive that causes someone to pause and reflect. There’s joy in doing that. You can also look for joy in simple things. Simple things that touch your heart, like an international postage stamp for $1.20, which in turn has the potential to touch the heart of another. Lastly, you might want to check out episodes 5 and 6 from several years ago, The Gift of Joy - Parts 1 and 2. I’ll have links to them at the bottom of the show notes. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode One way to find joy in our relationships is to reflect upon what people have said to us, especially when it’s something we haven’t considered before. Their perspective on life can broaden our own. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to listen to 098: The Myth of “It Never Hurts to Ask” 087: Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1 006: The Gift of Joy - Part 2

Life-giving relationships are those between people with a shared connection to Jesus, resulting in a deep mutual connection with each other. Listen in to hear an example of one in today's episode, number 101. In last week’s episode, Start Conversations With Remembering, I shared the start of a conversation I had with our executive producer, and Janet’s and my long-time friend, Carol Steward. Her voice is the one you hear each week introducing that day’s program. The point of last week’s episode, as well as today’s, is to show how to have a meaningful conversation with a long-time friend while both of you are still around on this earth to answer questions you’ve always wondered about. I mentioned this last week in the context of funerals I attended in the last year or so, and the questions I had of the deceased I never got to ask. Ask them now of your friends, before it’s too late. We ran out of time last week, so today we’ll finish our conversation by picking up where we left off last week, with the one important question I asked Carol that she answers in today’s episode, starting now. [The rest of the conversation plays here. Sorry, there is no transcript available] The finish to last week’s episode Here’s what I took away from my conversation today with Carol. Our questions of each other, when asked with the right motive, can lead to something much larger than a simple exchange of information. They can lead to a deeper life-giving relationship when we see how God has been the one connecting us with each other. The fact Carol’s mother and my mother worked together years before either one of us was born, is for me, one of those connecting points from God. I learned today how people are drawn to God only when God makes them ready. I was ready the first time I heard the gospel. Carol wasn’t quite ready her first time, she had to hear it several times. But she was ready the time Jesus, with his dusty gray hair - wearing a pink tie, and thin-rimmed glasses, in the form of Rev. Ellis Mooney, told her. Jesus in a pink tie I loved hearing Carol talk about Rev. Mooney, “Pops” as she called him. Theirs was a life-giving relationship based on their connection with Jesus. Pops was connected to Jesus, and he wanted this same connection for Carol. And then because Carol became connected with Jesus, she wanted this same life-giving relationship for Janet and me. And so did Rev. Mooney. What he and Carol told me became the defining moment in my life, and for Janet, too. Accepting compliments from people Finally, I was taken by surprise with Carol’s “Can I say one more thing” comment at the end that was so affirming of me personally. It was a little awkward, as it caught me off guard because our conversation was supposed to be about her, and not anything about me. I thought of editing out her comments, but when I asked Janet what she thought, she was very firm and said, “No. You’ve got to leave that in. It’s classic Carol.” And it is. It is classic Carol. She’s one of the most encouraging and affirming people I know. It’s hard for many of us to accept compliments, but it’s something we need to get over if we’re to have life-giving relationships with people. When someone affirms us with positive qualities they see in us, we owe it to them to accept their comments with grace and a “thank you.” To downplay the praise of others is not humility. Rather it’s more about trying to ease our personal discomfort. But dismissing the compliments of people has the effect of marginalizing the other person and taking away their voice, and their perception of reality. And it diminishes our connection with each other. We need to treat our friends better by graciously accepting any compliments they send our way. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: I wonder what it would look like for you to reflect on the life-giving relationships you have to see where God is connected in those relationships. If someone told you about Jesus for the first time, you might consider finding out who told that person about Christ. Stories like these show the evidence of God at work for our good. If Jesus can indwell people like Rev. Mooney in the form of a gray-haired man in a pink tie, how is the indwelling Christ manifesting himself in you? If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. The most life-giving relationships are those with a shared connection to Jesus. Where our individual connections with Christ result in a deep mutual connection with each other. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. If you'd like to know more about Carol's other ministry, click on wwib.com.  It's a great Christian radio station you can listen to online anywhere in the world. Other related episodes about life-giving relationships you may want to check out 100: Start Conversations with Remembering 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 032: What Am I Here For? What is My Purpose in Life?  

When we start conversations with remembering shared experiences it will draw us closer to people if we ask more about those experiences. Hello everyone, welcome to episode 100, our first triple-digit episode number! I’ve been to 8 funerals in the last year or so, 2 virtually and the rest in person. With those I was closer to, I have questions of them that will now go unanswered because I didn’t get to ask them in time. These questions, had they been answered, would have made my relationship with these people deeper and richer. And while we can’t do anything more with people who have passed away, we can do something now with our closer relationships, before it’s too late. So today we’re going to listen in on a conversation I recently had with a long-time friend of mine to give you an idea of how you can have a similar conversation with one of your friends before it’s too late. You may even be surprised by the friend I chose for this conversation. Talking to an old friend The person you are about to hear from is the same person you hear at the beginning of each episode of this podcast. All 100 of them, as of today.  I'm speaking of Carol Steward, my boss and executive producer of You Were Made for This. More than this, she has been a dear friend to both Janet and me for many years. Our friendship started when the three of us were freshmen in college. Janet first met Carol in a theater class they were taking, and they soon became fast friends, and later became roommates in their college dorm. And because Janet and I hung around with each other, I became friends with Carol, too. A few years after the three of us met, Carol met her husband-to-be, Terry, and the four of us have been friends ever since. Carol stood up in our wedding, Janet in theirs. So that’s the back story to today’s episode. In planning for today, I purposely didn’t plan. I wanted our conversation to be as free-flowing as possible, so I didn’t go into it with a list of questions. There was just one really important question I wanted to ask, which you will hear about. An example of The ORA principle of deepening relationships After reviewing the recording of our conversation days later, I was surprised to notice how I unconsciously followed the ORA principle we’ve been considering the past few episodes. Observe - Remember - Ask. O.R.A. Our conversation starts with  Remembering, which leads to Asking, and then a bit of Observing, which leads to more Asking. See if you can pick up on it. It’s a very useful model you can use to deepen your relationships. So let’s get into it. Carol was working out of her home the day we recorded this, so I called her while I was back in studio 1A at One Podcast Plaza. [Our conversation plays here. I'm sorry, there is no transcript available ] Unfortunately, we are running out of time for today. We will have to wait until next week in episode 101 to hear the only question I prepared ahead of time, and then Carol’s answer. What I learned in talking to an old friend For now though, here’s what I took away from my spontaneous conversation with Carol so far: I was surprised when I asked Carol if her mother ever said anything about my mom. I didn’t realize how the unanswered questions about her still affect me. There's more I wish I knew about her. I had not thought about it until just recently, the fact Carol’s mother and my mother knew each other, and worked together, years before both of us were born. That is an unusual point of connection between the two of us. I don’t quite know what to make of it, except that God created this connection. I bet he’s smiling over it. And then the fact Carol’s mom died on Janet’s and my wedding anniversary is another connection. Hmm. Another thing I noticed is how what seemed like the meaningless trivia questions I asked, connected us with our shared past. The question about the name of the singing group Carol was in college, and then the yellow dress we both remembered. It reminded me how laughter is a great way to connect with friends. Then there were the jobs she had and what she’s enjoyed about them. It showed what a positive person Carol is, which is something that continues to draw Janet and me to her after all these years. I need to be a little more like Carol myself. One question leads to another Our talk so far raised more questions in my mind to ask later. Good conversations do that. They’re appetizers served up for future dialog. It's what happens when we start conversations with remembering. I wonder more now about the 3-4 years Carol spent in Fargo, working with her husband Terry on that noon-day TV show. I know that could have been just the start for both of them in the TV biz. They won’t admit it, but they gave up promising careers to help Terry’s dad carry out the vision he had for a Christian radio back in the ’70s. It was a sacrifice, though they never talk about it in those terms. Finally, there was the mention of Steve, their radio station employee who died recently. I talked with Terry about him a few weeks ago, they wrote about him in their monthly newsletter, and now Carol talked about him today. I could tell it was a deep loss for those that knew him. What a wonderful life he lived to have had such a significant impact on people. I didn’t know him, but his was a good example of a life well-lived. I hope the same will be said about me when I'm gone. And so we started talking about when people die at the top of today’s show.  We’re now ending with the same topic today But there’s more. For I wonder what all we’ve been talking about today means for YOU?  If you would start conversations with remembering, what would that do for you? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: It seems to me God puts people into our lives for very specific reasons. Reasons sometimes known only to Him. The closer we get to people, and the deeper we get to know them, the greater appreciation we develop for God’s love in blessing us with those who fill our lives with joy. Who are the people you sense God could possibly have put in your life to bring you joy - if you only knew them better? Finally, when your time on earth comes to an end, what will people say about you? It’s not too late to begin having a positive impact on the lives of others. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Before it’s too late, begin a conversation with people close to you, where you start with remembering shared experiences, asking questions about them, and observing what’s going on with them in the present. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week when we finish my conversation with Carol, and when I get to ask the only question I prepared ahead of time. Her answer led us down a most interesting path that I’m eager to share with you. So until next week, Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to check out: 093: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships 096: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships If you'd like to know more about Carol's other ministry, click on wwib.com.  It's a great Christian radio station you can listen to online anywhere in the world. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

It’s often better to share an observation than to ask a question. It deepens a relationship by allowing people to open up on their terms. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 99. We are just one episode away from turning over our podcast odometer to 100 episodes. I’ve got a special program planned for next week with an interesting guest lined up to join us. But for today, as we say good-bye to double-digit episode numbers, I’ve got something for those of you who want deeper relationships with people, BUT who feel uncomfortable asking questions of others. For new listeners to the podcast, we’ve been talking in recent episodes about asking questions to deepen our relationships with people. Before we get into this though, I want to share a few responses I received from listeners to a question I raised a few weeks ago. Namely, “What else do you do when you listen to podcasts?” Podcasts are great to listen to while doing something else, and I thought our listeners would be interested in know what that “something else” is for each of us. Listener responses A listener from England wrote, “Two things for me: peeling or chopping vegetables at the kitchen table or (most preferred) having a good cup of Yorkshire tea and just listening as I enjoy. (Now those two things go together well!)” A missionary from the Balkan countries of Eastern Europe said: “I follow about 6-8 podcasts regularly and usually listen when I am at home alone (or when my children are sleeping) and I am cleaning the house, cooking, or folding laundry. Makes a sort of boring, mundane chore quite enjoyable for me!” Finally, Linda, a retired missionary and listener from North Carolina wrote: "Hello John, Sometimes I exercise on my indoor exercise bike while listening to the [your] podcast while other times I go outside and take a walk. Other times I ‘set you’ on the kitchen counter to listen while I fix breakfast. You seem to show up in different ways!" Thank you for those responses. I’d love to hear from more of you as to what you typically do while listening to podcasts. Now on to today’s show. It’s a solution for those of us who would like to go deeper in our relationships with people, but without relying just on asking questions to get there. So keep listening. Caution with asking questions As much as we’ve talked about the power of asking questions, there are a few caveats to this skill. It goes without saying that questions to deepen a relationship do not evoke one-word answers. Yes or no. it also goes without saying that in some cultures around the world, asking questions of each other is offensive. So be careful. Questions asked too quickly, and too often, can put the other person on the defensive and back them into a corner. So slow down. Some people need time to process a question they’re asked. Allow for periods of silence. Questions, when used improperly, can be a form of control. They can take people where they don’t want to go, and you end up alienating people from yourself. We sometimes ask questions when we are really making a statement. Avoid doing this. It’s not being honest and can come across as being controlling. So instead of asking, “Aren’t you going to take the garbage out tonight,” say instead, “please take the garbage out tonight.” Rather than asking a question, try this instead Instead of asking a question, share an observation. An observation is a deeper form of engagement than a question. This is the O - Observe, in O.R.A. Observe-Remember-Ask It’s a big picture skill. More difficult, in my opinion, than the other two elements of ORA. More difficult than Remember or Ask How do you make an observation? Act as a mirror. Mirrors reflect reality Reflect back emotions you see in the other person: “You seem upset today.” Reflect back themes and patterns you observe: “I noticed that whenever I ask you about where you are from, your eyes light up” “It seems to me like … “you’ve got something on your mind that is troubling you.” Share reflective statements, “I wonder statements.” : “I wonder what it must be like to always feel you have to defend yourself.” A real-life example The time Janet shared an observation when she said, “I don’t think you’re spending enough time with the kids.” She could have asked a question instead, “Why don’t you spend more time with the kids?” or “When are you going to spend more time with the kids?” The observation she shared was much more powerful. It wasn’t a job, a directive, an order. It wasn’t even a request. It can be very affirming and encouraging to hear the observations of another person. Where all too close to what is going on in our life. “I wonder how many people I’ve looked at all my life and never seen.”~ John Steinbeck So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Instead of asking: share an observation instead: "Why are you angry," becomes  "You seem angry." Instead of "When are you going to clean your office?, instead say, I’ve noticed the clutter in your office has reappeared. Rather than "Who were you talking to on the phone? ", try sharing an observation, You seemed pretty animated when you were on that phone call. "Why are you so sad today? " would be better put, You look sad to me. "What are you worried about?" can be better stated,  It seems to me like you’re troubled about something. I wonder what it is. Instead of asking, "What are you so happy about?" share an observation like this, You sure seem in a good mood today. Use doorknob observations with people who are better at words than you are. “I wonder statements are good for this.” If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Experiment with turning your questions into observations. Act as a mirror in the important relationships in your life. See how much deeper your interactions go when you make an observation, rather than when you ask a question. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. I’d like to hear how trying out this new relational skill goes for you. You can email me at john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe if you haven’t already done so. You can also help us to serve more people when you leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes you may want to check out: 092: 3 Benefits to Being a Keen Observer of People 090: Encourage Ourself by Observing Others 089: How to Be a Better Observer of People      

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 98, The Myth of “It Never Hurts to Ask.” In recent episodes we’ve been talking about the Ask component in our ORA principle of deepening our relationships Observe - Remember - Ask. Last week’s episode, for example, was about that part of relational intelligence that knows how to respond when others tell you “No.” In that episode, I suggested several gentle ways we can get what we want when told “no” by those with power over us. I’ll have links to those recent episodes at the end of the show notes. Today, in the context of the Ask component of ORA, I want to dispel the relational myth I used to be a strong proponent for, but no longer believe. Keep listening, because I bet many of you still believe this same myth I once believed. It's a myth that can harm your relationships. The myth I’m referring to is the concept that it never hurts to ask. The fact is, sometimes it does hurt to ask. Here’s why “it never hurts to ask” is a myth In some cultures, asking personal questions is completely inappropriate. It’s an invasion of privacy. By asking personal questions in these kinds of societies will distance you from people. Some people are reluctant to answer questions because: They’re concerned the question asker may be  judging them, e.g., “Are you getting the Covid vaccine?” Other times, a question asked may raise suspicions  the question asker will use whatever answer you give against you, e.g, “how much did you pay for that car you just bought?” There’s the fear your answer will elicit negative judgments about you For a variety of reasons, some people don’t want to get too close to others They are just very private people. It may be their personality, or how they were raised. Unintended consequences of practicing “It never hurts to ask” People will form opinions about you by the questions you ask. Which can help or hinder a relationship. Some people may feel defensive or manipulated. Even violated. Or they may feel steered in a direction they may not want to go. Guidelines for knowing when to practice “it never hurts to ask” The most distant your relationship with someone, the freer you can live by it never hurts to ask. For example, the stories I shared about store clerks in previous episodes are about one-time transactions where the down-side risk of it never hurts to ask is minimal. But the closer you are in a relationship, the more careful you have to be with it never hurts to ask. We need to ASK ourselves how our question(s) may be perceived by others. What’s the potential downside? And what are the risks? Examples of when it did hurt to ask The IT guy I placed who wanted to attend a training workshop AFTER he gave notice he was taking a new job. Going to training workshops was really important to IT people. He thought it was okay to ask the employer he was leaving in two weeks if he could take the course, because after all, “It never hurts to ask.” Yes, it does. Because you may need him for a reference someday. Story of the mother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee, in Matthew 20:20-28 Her request/their request: to sit next to Jesus, one on his right, the other on his left, when he sits on his throne in his kingdom. Let’s see if asking that question hurt anything. In NT days, where you sat in gatherings was really important Seats were always assigned, never asked for. Their requests violated cultural norms Their question alienated the other 10! Verse, 24 “They were indignant.” Their question set up winners and losers The other 10 were placed in a position subservient to James and John Pride Jesus goes on to use their request as a teachable moment in vs 25-28. Tells them they are to be different than the leaders of this world That it is better to serve than to be served “Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant. And whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” So what does all this mean for YOU? What action can you take to in response to today’s program that will move the needle in making your relationships more joy-filled? Here are a few ideas: Do some self-examination and ask YOURSELF a few questions before asking one of someone else What is my purpose in asking the question I’m thinking of asking.? What is my motive? Is it to feed my pride, like it was for James, John, and their mother? How will others perceive my question? How will it affect their view of me? Will I alienate people, like the other 10 disciples were alienated from James, John, and their mother? What does my question reveal about my character? How will I use the answer to my question? Consider the timing of your question. For example, the timing was terrible for the IT guy I placed to ask his soon-to-be former employer to pay for his training, training the company would receive no benefit from. The timing was also terrible for the sons of Zebedee and their mother to ask for a position of prominence right after Jesus tells his disciples about his betrayal, his sentence to die, his beating and crucifixion. Don’t do what they did. Don’t be a mama’s boy. Finally, rather than asking for something you desire, put yourself in a position where what you want is offered to you. That way, you will know it is from God, and not a product of your aggressiveness. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today's episode Be careful what you ask. Consider the implications of your requests in light of the degree of closeness in your relationships. It may hurt to ask when your question puts a wedge between you and other people. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. Or you can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please sign up to follow us wherever you get your podcasts. It will help us to serve more people just like you. I hope you were stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related episodes that might interest you 095 - What to Do When People Irritate Us 096 - Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships 097 - Good Things Happen When We Ask

Asking questions gives us power over our circumstances. It allows us to move from being a victim to becoming an agent of change for our self. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 97. Today we consider the good things that can come our way when we overcome our natural hesitancy to ask questions. We’ve been talking in recent episodes about the A component of the ORA principle of deepening relationships. Observe - Remember - Ask. Specifically, Ask in the context of interpersonal relationships, and Ask in the context of self-awareness, to Ask ourselves questions as to why we do the things we do. But Ask is also a powerful tool in other relationships. It’s very useful in our jobs. In our parenting. And in dealing with providers of goods and services. Keep listening to learn how. Asking questions of those who provide of good and services Story of buying that burgundy blazer for our daughter Jennifer when she was about 10 years old. No size on the rack fit her I asked if I could check out the size of the blazer hanging display on their display “You can’t do that” and the discussion that followed I’ll put another one up in its place No, then I’d have to ask my manager Well, could you go ahead and do that? The day we bought a sofa. Delivery was not included. I asked the question if they would make an exception. “Well, I’d have to ask my boss” Please do so. Applied English class I taught. Student projects asking companies for redress of grievances. Case of coke, new leather jacket, street plowed. Teaching our children to ask questions Story of our son asking his history teacher for extra credit to get an “A.” Promised a plane ticket to Baltimore to see his girlfriend. Offered the same deal to Eleanor, his daughter who had the same problem decades later: a plane ticket to Baltimore. Asking questions is a great skill to teach your kids. Ask the hard questions, it will help you get what you want. As a parent, if and when someone wants to marry your adult child, don’t hesitate to ask that potential son or daughter-in-law questions. Episode 027 is about the time I met with my future son-in-law when he asked for my blessing to marry our daughter. His one question of me prompted 17 questions for him. I share these questions in episode 027, When He Asks to Marry Your Daughter. Asking questions in our jobs I was starting to get bored at my teaching job, so I asked to create a new course on creativity. School board approved. Gave me time to do research on the subject. Taught it to 8th and 9th graders. It was a subject that interested me and I thought kids could really benefit from it. It eased my boredom. As a recruiter, I would ask an employer, “why did you decline a job offer to my candidate?” Can learn things for the time next around. How you can change, or maybe it had nothing to do with you. They may have put the job on hold, the other candidate was far more qualified. Even when the answer to our Ask is “no,” we can learn from it and grow The benefits of asking questions It’s an opportunity to see God at work when your ask is based on praying ahead of time. It draws you closer to God. Gives you a voice. A sense of control. You cease being a victim Increases your chance of getting what you want after the initial “no” Learn from getting a “no”, which will help get you a “yes” next time Gave me confidence in our daughter’s choice of a future husband. It deepened my relationship with him and our daughter. It will do the same for you if you’re ever in that situation So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you’ve heard in this episode to improve the quality of YOUR relationships? Here are a few ideas: Ask Jesus to show you what questions to ask. Questions to ask in a kind, gentle, non-threatening manner. Questions that get to the truth of a matter. If you are bored in your job, ask for a new one. Ask if you could design a new job within your company. When someone says “no” to your ask, what can you learn from the “no”? If for no other reason, it may boost your self-confidence to know there were circumstances out of your control that prevented your ask from being granted. Ask for an exception to a policy. Especially ask “I’d like you to send me a copy of the document containing the policy…” The main point I hope you remember from today’s episode Asking questions, in the context we’ve been discussing, gives us power over our circumstances. It allows us to move from being a victim to becoming an agent of the change we desire for our life. I hope you noticed that in this episode I have not repeated that old adage, “It never hurts to ask.” That’s because I’ve come to learn over many decades that it just isn’t true. I used to be the poster child for it never hurts to ask. But not anymore. There are indeed times when it hurts to ask. I’ll be exploring the it never hurts to ask myth in next week’s episode, no. 098. Just two shows away from our first ever triple-digit-episode, number 100. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe and I’d appreciate it if you would leave us a review wherever you get your podcasts. It will help us to serve more people just like you. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Related resources that may interest you Blog post from July 29, 2020, Ask Someone What They Are Feeling The following past episodes: 088 - Get Them to Say, "Thank You for Asking" 027 When He Asks to Marry Your Daughter 064 - Start With This Question to Ask 065 - End With This Important Question

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, [read more] about You Were Made for This

Meaningful questions create meaningful relationships. When asked for the right reasons they connect us with one another in beautiful ways. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 96. Today we consider how asking meaningful questions help create meaningful relationships. We’ve been talking about the 3 components of the O.R.A. principle of deepening our relationships: Observe - Remember -Ask. We’ve touched on the Ask component before, but today I want to go into more detail about this Ask element and talk about what happens inside of us when someone asks us a meaningful question. I’ll do that by sharing two stories with you. First Story I may have told this story in a prior episode, but it bears repeating for our purposes today, and with more depth than I explained the last time. The encounter with L. B. when at Camp, she asked “how are you doing?” And we said, fine (F.I.N.E). And she came back with “No, really. How are you doing? I want to know.” Her response took me aback, She wasn’t accepting my surface answer. I felt like she really cared, unlike most other times when I’m asked that question, and when I ask others the same thing. What told me she cared? She pushed the envelope, not only with her words, but with her body language. She came running after us. Janet had the window down on her side of the car and L.B leaned in, with her elbows on the open door sill. She said so much with her eyes. You could tell she wanted to know. What an innocuous question, “How are you doing?” She turned this relational cliché into a meaningful relational connection by how she asked the question. By running to us. Leaning into our personal space. With her eyes. And by rejecting our surfacing dismissive response. It was a connecting moment from a few years ago that I still think about today. Janet and both felt cared about in a deep way that day Second story I needed to schedule a time for an electrician to come to our house. I mentioned I work out of our house, so someone could come most anytime. Then he said, “What do you do?” You wouldn't think this was a meaningful question, but it was I told him about our missionary care ministry That usually shuts people up, and they change the subject. Like Fred, our former neighbor, who when he heard what I did started talking about his Panama Canal cruise. But this electrician sounded interested in my response “My great-grandfather was a missionary in Canada. He planted 4 or 5 churches in logging camp communities in his lifetime. He wrote several books, too. I have them, but haven’t read them.” I found the guy fascinating, he established a connection between the two of us that started with him asking me another relationally clichéd question, “What do you do? He said he never met his great-grandfather or his grandfather who both died before he was born. My electrician friend talked about visiting one of the communities where his great-grandfather planted a church, and how when people heard the family name, their eyes lit up, and with “Oh, you are so and so’s descendant? What a great man, and we have fond memories of him.” He didn’t ask any follow-up questions, which was fine, because he drew me into his story of his family history. The story he told made me want to know more. Good questions will do that. And it made him want to know more about his family history. He told me he needed to ask his father more about his grandfather. The electrician said our conversation prompted him to look for those books his great-grandfather wrote, and to talk to his own father to ask him more about his grandfather. Our relationship was a business relationship, but the more we talked, the more I liked him personally. Maybe I’ll invite him for Thanksgiving. Or Carol, would you like to have him over for New Year’s eve? So he benefited from our interaction. He started it off by asking me a question. It motivated him to ask questions about his family history. He sounded sincere. So what does all this mean for YOU? What action can you take in response to today’s program? Here are a few ideas: The Obvious thing is ask meaningful questions. Better questions. Questions with the right motive that will lead somewhere, not an end unto itself. Questions asked in a manner that shows you care. And you can do this with even all-too-common questions like “How are you?,” and “What do you do?" Check out episodes 64 and 65 that go into detail about the kind of questions we can ask. That relationship quote of the week from episode 75 on October 28, 2020, “When an old person dies, a library burns to the ground.” Sticks in my mind as it relates to my electrician friend’s ancestors Go to you “library” ask your parents and especially grandparents, meaningful questions. It will do you a world of good. It will deepen your relationship with them. Do it before its too late and your “library” burns down. Unless we’re just exchanging news and information, the questions we ask of each other can be an important tool in deepening our relationships with each other. Ask God to help you have eyes and ears for other people. It will bring out the best in you. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Meaningful questions create meaningful relationships. When asked for the right reasons, in the right manner, connect us with one another in beautiful ways. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode, unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe and I’d appreciate it if you would leave us a review wherever you get your podcasts. It will help us to serve more people just like you. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

When people irritate us it often reveals more about us than them. Listen in to learn how to figure this out, and then and what to do about it. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 95. Before we get into today’s topic I have two listener responses I thought you’d be interested in. The first is from a retired missionary in response to episode 87. This was about a New Year’s resolution to receive thank you notes in the mail from people who appreciate something about you. A written expression of gratitude is the obvious result of doing something meaningful for someone, which is the point of making this resolution - not the note itself [ read the thank you card from V.] And here’s an email I received from Patty, another listener to our podcast. She wrote: “I received a beautiful thank you note from my snowbird neighbors thanking me for picking up their mail all winter long.  I also sent a thank you card to a friend who hosted & invited me to a delicious luncheon. It's the little Thank You's that mean so much.  Thx for reviving this 'thank you' trend” I’d like to know how this thank you note idea is going for the rest of you. Please let me know. Well, on to today’s show. I’m going to assume that you, like me, every now and then run into frustrating and irritating situations. Today’s episode is about an effective way I’m learning to deal with these unwelcome moments. It’s taken me years to discover this principle that helps when people irritate us. I’m going to share it with you so that you can learn from my mistakes and live a less frustrating life. What prompted me to bring this up is last week’s episode, no 94, Self-Awareness Deepens Our Relationships Last week's episode The tires on my car needed air Pulled into the lot of a convenience store that offered free air from their tire pump. A big van, with a disabled sticker on the license plate, pulled in just ahead of me at the air pump. I’m going to have to wait my turn An older lady gets out with a 3-pronged cane, walking very slowly. Has difficulty getting the air pump nozzle onto the tire valve. Irritation rose within me because it was now going to take a lot longer to accomplish my goal of getting air in my own tires I get out to speed the process up, not out of any great sense of compassion for this lady. It was 6 degrees and my hands were freezing. The point of that episode, and I’ll have a link to it in the show notes, is this: We will have deeper relationships with others to the extent we are self-aware and then act on that self-awareness in a Godly manner. It raises the question, though of “how do I become more self-aware in irritating and frustrating situations like this, when people irritate me?” The answer is found in adapting the principle found in Psalm 4:4 Now, I wasn’t angry with the lady, rather more frustrated or irritated that her behavior was getting in the way of what I wanted. But the principle found in Psalm 4:4 works just as well in situations as I described. This verse is in the context of vs. 2, where David talks about the people who are spreading lies about him and ruining his reputation. Here’s what he says to do in response to this injustice: Psalm 4:4, in various versions Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Interlude NLT Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. NIV Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah ESV Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah NKJV Tremble, and do not sin; Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah. NASB What are we to think about, to meditate on, to tremble over? Answer:  What is going on within us that is causing the anger, frustration, or irritation.? It’s not just the obvious stuff. It’s what’s going on in our heart below the surface where the problem, and the solution, lie. Once we have a name for what’s going on inside, it becomes easier to deal with. This verse is about anger, but irritation and frustration, are the misbehaving step-children of Anger. It teaches us what we can do when people irritate us. And anger as we know is a surface emotion. It covers what’s going on below the surface: either fear - hurt - sadness - or demanding-ness. I’ll talk more about this in a later episode when we examine in more detail anger and its effect on our relationships. With the old lady, I wasn’t hurt, or sad. But I was a bit anxious over the other guy who had pulled up, and mildly concerned about frostbite to my hands. I was more anxious that I wasn’t going to be able to get done all that I wanted to that morning. On the surface, it may have appeared my frustration was directed at her personally, but the more I thought about it, my frustration was directed at my circumstances and demanding-ness that I accomplish what I want to accomplish WHEN I want to accomplish the items on my to-do list. It took me a while to realize this. Maybe hours. The Holy Spirit seemed to be speaking to me. Lighten up, guy. After all, she has a double-amputee husband sitting in the car is of no help to her at all. He reminded me that since the dawn of creation, 99% of the time things ALWAYS take longer than you think, so don’t be surprised that your day is going slower than you had hoped. Lower your expectations. It's so helpful to remember this when people irritate us. Applying Psalm 4:4 to other people So I’m learning to apply Psalm 4:4 to my anger, and frustrations. But it also helps in relating with others When I see another person who is frustrated or angry, I’ll wonder what they are worried about. What they might be fearing. Or what they’re sad about that comes out in frustration or anger. Psalm 4:4 and children Psalm 4:4 is also helpful in raising and understanding children. Displays of anger in kids are often because they’re afraid of something. They fear their need for something will go unmet for the rest of their lives. “My sister is playing with the stuffed animal we share, and my turn will never never ever ever come. “ Demandingness, certainly is part of childhood anger. Because of their development, they don’t have words to express their fear, their hurt, or their sadness. So these emotions come out as anger. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you apply what we’ve considered in this episode to YOUR life? Here are a few ideas When people irritate you, take a self-imposed time-out and ask God to help you question yourself. Do what King David said: Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah ESV One other question you can ask yourself is “Does this person or situation remind me of someone or something else? A few months ago a friend was talking in a group about an irritating person, and as the group explored more with her as to WHY this person was irritating, she came to the realization that the irritating person reminded her of her mother. This self-examination that we find in Psalm 4: 4 will deepen our relationship with God, ourselves, and other people. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. When people irritate us, stop and ask ourselves why is this person bothering me so much? What is my irritation revealing about ME? I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Related episodes that might interest you 094 Self-Awareness Deepens Our Relationships 020 Relating with People Who Talk Too Much Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe and I’d appreciate it if you would leave us a review wherever you get your podcasts. It will help us to serve more people just like you. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 94, where today we consider how self-awareness deepens our relationships. With just 6 double-digits left before we hit 100 episodes, we’re considering a real-life application of the ORA principle of deepening relationships. The ORA principle re-stated In a nutshell, the ORA principle is to Observe - Remember - Ask in our interactions with others to deepen our relationships with them. We’ve been talking about this in recent shows, beginning with episode 88, Get Them to Say “Thank you for Asking.” I’ll have a link to it in the show notes. Today we’ll apply this principle to one in the most difficult relationship each of us has. The one relationship that offers the greatest rewards, at the same time the greatest challenges. No other relationship is even close. What’s the relationship, you ask? Keep listening and I’ll tell you. That relationship is our relationship with…..ourself! Our Relationship with Ourself How do we have a relationship with ourselves? It’s about what we think of our self, which I dare say is often inaccurate. The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the church at Rome that we read in the Bible says, “I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves…” (12:2-3) Now I know there are some who think less of themselves than they should, but my experience has shown these folks are in the minority. Instead, most of us are prone to do just the opposite, to think we are better than we really are, and to be less than honest in evaluating ourselves. Ever since the fall of man in the garden of Eden, this is the natural state of humanity. Paul warns us to rise above our natural inclination. He warns us because it’s a terribly unfulfilling way to live when we think we’re better than we really are; when we’re not honest with ourselves. What does this have to do with the ORA principle of deepening our relationships? In this case, our relationship with ourself. It's all about how our self-awareness deepens our relationships with others. Observe I’ll explain in a story. My encounter with helping an older lady fill the tires on her van with air at Kwik Trip. What I observed in her: Older lady with a 3-pronged cane. Big van. Pulled up just before I did at the free air pump for tires She was moving pretty slow, having difficulty getting the nozzle on the tire valve Car windows half-open in single degree temperatures My husband normally handles this, but he’s a double amputee” She thanked me, but not overly so What I observed in me: In a hurry, had other things to do Frustrated when she pulled up to the air pump just seconds before I did. Had I left just a little earlier I wouldn’t be waiting here. Impatient. As I watched her trying to fill her tires I knew I would be waiting a long time to get my tires filled Irritation rising within me, like a clogged drain that was backing up into a sink As I was helping her, my hands were freezing and I was kneeling on the snowy slush to get air into her tires Concerned that a car that pulled up behind this lady’s van wouldn’t realize I was there ahead of him and that he’d drive ahead when the lady left to get air before me. On the surface, my behavior was commendable. I could imagine an article on the front page of our local newspaper with the headline “Good Samaritan Helps Disabled Senior Citizen, with Double-Amputee-Husband, Fill Air in Her Tires…Without Regard to His Own Safety in Frigid Cold, and Near Frost-Bite Conditions.” An above-the-fold article on page 1, on top of below-the-fold-story of how sales were going for Girl Scout Cookies. But on the inside, in my self-awareness, I observed that my attitude was self-centered, cranky, not deserving of even a “Thank You.” Remember I recalled the time a guy changed my wife Janet’s tire on Highway 30 on the way to Winona Lake with Jennifer and her friend from college. Was he an angel? The time I changed a lady’s tire at the SuperAmerica gas station and how grateful she was for my help. How good I felt in helping her. I was reminded how impatient I am with other people when they get in the way of what I want to accomplish. Customer service people. Insurance billing. Tech Support questions about computer software. I remember that my impatience is really a manifestation of pride, that my needs were more important than this lady needing air in her tires. Ask I needed to ask “Why am I like this? Why am I so impatient with people at times” I knew the answer is found in my baggage from the past. It’s my version of the Apostle Paul’s “thorn in the flesh.” I need to ask God to change me. Because I need to repent. I need to be more patient. To be more humble. James 4:10, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor” I need to ask God for help just to let my irritation with this disabled lady go. The things I needed to get done will eventually get done, just not as fast as I would like. Was this older lady an angel God was using to improve my character to humble me? I don’t know. What I learned from this situation I give too much meaning to the insignificant moments of life, When my plans are thwarted by the insignificant moments of living in an imperfect world I am too easily frustrated. I need to adapt better. Self-awareness deepens our relationships. So what does all this mean for YOU? What action can you take in response to today’s program to be more self-aware in your relationships? Here are a few ideas: When you are frustrated with yourself, practice the ORA principle of deepening your relationship with yourself. It will expose the good, the bad, and the ugly within you, as it did for me. Observe - what’s going on within you and the people and circumstances around you. What’s really true about all this. Be honest with yourself Remember - what you’ve learned about yourself in the past. Your predisposition. Your natural inclinations. Ask - God for help. You’re too close to your own situation. You can’t figure it out on your own. No one can. This isn’t a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps situation. If you forget everything else, here’s the main point I hope you remember from today’s episode. Self-awareness deepens our relationships to the extent we act on that self-awareness in a Godly manner so that we can be the person God created us to be. I’d love to hear any thoughts you have about today’s episode. Just send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. I may share them in a future episode unless you say otherwise. You can also share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe and I’d appreciate it if you would leave us a review wherever you get your podcasts. It will help us to serve more people just like you. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. Consider supporting our sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 93, Remembering Deepens Our Relationships. Only 7 more programs until we reach that magic triple-digit number of 100 episodes. And in 3 days we’ll also mark the 5th anniversary of the day my book was published, entitled THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Few people know this, but it was selected by Writer’s Digest as the best inspirational book of 2016. If you remember back to 2016, you may recall there was a real lack of inspiration that year, so the completion wasn’t too tough. Nevertheless, I felt honored that the book won this award. This anniversary is inspiring me to offer the book to our listeners at 25% off the retail price, good though the end of this month. All proceeds of the sale of the book go to support our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others. Go to caringforothers.org/store to order. Be sure to enter “2016” in the Discount Coupon field. A friend’s important question Today I want to talk about a question a friend of mine raised several months ago in a meeting at our house. It was for a group of leaders and interested people in our church who wanted to raise their skill level in caring for people in their small groups. In that meeting we talked about the importance of setting aside our needs, and concerns for a time, so we could tune in the people in our group undistracted by issues or things we were dealing with ourselves. This creates an environment where we can ask others clarifying and follow-up questions. At the end of the meeting, my friend Chris, sitting next to his wife on our little blue sofa said, “I finally get this, I really do. But what’s next? What do I do now? Today’s show will attempt to answer Chris’s important question. The O.R.A. principle of deepening relationships I want to answer Chris’s question in the context of what we’ve been considering the best few episodes, the ORA principle of deepening relationships. If we want deeper relationships it’s helpful to observe people- remember something about them, then ask them questions. O.R.A. We started with asking questions, then backtracked to observing people so you have something to ask them about. Today we talk about that all-important ORA principle in the middle: Remembering. Remembering things about people. Remembering what they’ve told us, and remembering what we’ve observed about them. Recalling what people said and what we observe about them gives us something meaningful to talk about. Remembering deepens our relationships. The problem of remembering Deepening a relationship is not a linear process. It’s not a step-by-step orderly process like baking a cake or building a house. It’s a circular process. We are a forgetful people. We are prone not the remember. Remembering, or not forgetting, is mention often in the bible. Deuteronomy 8 mentions at least 4 different times the importance of remembering or not forgetting. In this case, to not forget all that God has done for the children of Israel and to remember to obey his commands. In Psalm 113:2, David writes, “Let all that I am praise the Lord, may I never forget the good things he does for me.” The importance of remembering In John 2 there are at least 2 instances recorded about the disciples remembering something from scripture or their prior encounter with Jesus Remembering becomes part of being “Unconsciously Competent” in our relationships. It’s level 4 in a series we did on relationship skills two years ago. Check out episode 14 if you want a refresher on this relational skill level. Remembering the past helps us understand the present in our relationships Birthdays are all about remembering. Randy’s note. Birthday celebrations. Surprise birthdays. Birthday and anniversary celebrations are about remembering. So are holy days, like Christmas and Easter. They are about remembering. National holidays, like Memorial Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Independence Day here in the US are about remembering. Imagine what it would be like if we forgot Christmas, Easter, and Memorial Day? What if we didn’t remember Thanksgiving and Independence Day? Life is so much richer when we remember these events in our history. Equally so, our relationships are so much richer when we remember even the small things. Remembering deepens our relationships. The benefits of remembering Remembering is about where we, and others, have come from. Communion is all about remembering. Jesus says at the last supper and the first communion, whenever you do this, do it in remembrance of me. Remembering gives us context with people. It adds meat to the bones of our relationship. How well we remember is an indicator of the depth of our relationship with someone. It’s important to remember the bad stuff, too. Remember bad patterns of behavior in others. It helps to predict what the future will be like in that relationship. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. Examples from my recruiting days. Remember the data, it’s more predictive than hope. we hope he doesn’t repeat his bad behavior. Remember the good within the context of the bad. Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today’s program How do you do this? How do you remember to deepen your relationships? Reduce the busyness in your life so you have room in your mind and heart for things worth remembering. Get rid of the mental and emotional clutter to free up space. Pray for people. Write things down. Use what you see, what you observe. When you do this well, you’ll be reminded of things. You’ll think to yourself, “Oh yeah, when I saw X do Y, I thought of Z. Maybe I should ask him about it.” Football players have playbooks. They repeat the same plays over and over again so that in a game they don’t have to remember exactly what to do. It becomes 2nd nature to them. You don’t want to have to think in the heat of the moment. Go from remembering to being intuitive. Where it’s wired, or re-wired into your DNA. It’s step 4 of Relational Skill development, Unconsciously Skilled, where you remember things about another person without even trying. From Dorcas: 1/20/21 "So two things that stuck out with your ORA principle.  One, you nailed it when going over reasons why people say they don’t want to ask questions...like that would be nosey, etc.  You were right!  I smiled when you said, “that’s a cop-out”!  And it is a cop-out...some people just don’t want to get involved or go deeper. "The second thing that brought comfort and encouragement was reminding me “Observing – Remembering – Asking is a skill. And like any skill, it takes repetition and practice.”  Even old dogs can learn new tricks or improve on ones that have gotten rusty.  Refreshing!  Thanks, John." Remembering is like a bank. We make deposits into it, and also withdrawals from it. Deposit more than you withdraw. I used to ask my grandkids when they were much younger, “Hey kids, what are we doing now? Making memories, grandpa.” Make deposits in the memory banks of others, that they can withdraw from later. Funeral services can be like this, where family and friends of the deceased share memories of the person who died. It’s withdrawing from our memory bank what the person deposited into our account before they passed on. As always, of course, we can pray to God that he will help us remember. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. The easiest way is to put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. If you forget everything else, here’s one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Work at remembering things about the people in our life to the point it’s no longer work. Set aside our own concerns and needs occasionally, to create space to remember important data about the important people in our life. Remembering deepens our relationships. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act by remembering what people have said and what you observe about them. In doing so you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. Consider supporting our sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to today’s episode, where we pick up where we left off in episode 89, How to Be a Better Observer of People. It aired on January 27th, 2021. To start, I’m going to share a response I received about that episode. It’s from a listener in Tennessee who wrote, “Loved this message. Really challenged me. Listening to it twice.” The message of that episode was this: our relationships deepen as we become better observers of the important people in our life. It gives us important data for relating well with them.  I expand upon how to be a keen observer of people in today's episode. If someone went to the trouble of listening twice to the how to be a better observer of people episode I going to assume there’s more interest in the subject. It’s a key component to the O.R.A. principle of deepening our relationships with people. Observe - Remember - Ask. There are 3 distinct benefits to being a keen observer of people Benefit #1 We come to understand the love of God better when we’re a keen observer of people When we see others as God sees them, and loves them, we begin to see how God sees us. And loves us. [Story of the kids complaining about one of their peers on the way home from church. Sorry, no transcript of this example is available] The more we know about each other, the less we’ll sin against each other. Because we’ll appreciate more the slow process of how God works in each of us to conform us more and more into his image. We are all a work in progress. When we recognize this in the behavior and attitudes of others it enables us to forgive and show grace more easily. Being an astute observer of people pleases God. It enriches our lives when we see God at work in the lives of others. When we dig deeply and keenly observe people as God’s children, we grow to understand the love of God in a deeper way Benefit #2 Being a keen observer of people will often bring to light our faulty assumptions and expectations of people We default to assuming. There’s so much we don’t know about people. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”  - Philo of Alexandra To be an astute observer of people means we’ve set aside our own prejudices, which is hard to do on our own. We need God’s wisdom and power to set aside our confirmation bias, where we interrupt data through the filter of foregone conclusions about people. Janet and I were recently in a Zoom meeting where the issue of married people and singles working together on the mission field came up. Two key sticking points in those relationships are assumptions and expectations. An astute observer of people will question his or her assumptions, and also have realistic expectations of others. [example of the young missionary wife who for their team party or celebration brought cookies from the store, rather than making them from scratch. Sorry, no transcript of this example is available ] Benefit #3 Being a keen observer of people enables us to act wisely in our relationships [Story of being a deacon at a church where there was a lot of turnover on congregants. Lots of new people coming in the front door, but just as many leaving out the back door. I suggested at a deacon meeting we interview those who had left the church. Pastor slams his fist on the table and yells at me. No one came to my defense, except one guy several days later. My observation of the pastor and my colleagues on the board gave me useful data in relating with those men from that point forward. Being a good observer of people guides you in who to invest a relationship with and who to avoid. [example of the mission agency that hired me to do exit interviews with two missionary couples who recently left their ordination to join another sending agency. Sorry, no transcript of this example is available]. To improve their organization they needed data So what does all this mean for YOU? What action can you take in response to today’s program? Here are a few ideas: Ask God to increase your observation skills. Ask him to help you see others as He does. He’ll show you how. Remember, this is all a skill that can be learned. It takes practice to observe others in a meaningful way. Listen to previous episodes developing our relational skills, the 4 levels of relationship skills: Episode 11. Unconsciously Unskilled - Level 1 Episode 12. Consciously Unskilled - Level 2 Episode 13. Consciously Skilled - Level 3 Episode 14. Unconsciously Skilled - Level 4 Finally, I want to share one last response to episode 89, How to Be a Better Observer of People. A retired missionary emailed to tell me that she wants to “observe my beloved husband and others with a more focused attention, and observing them as Jesus does. Thanks for getting my attention.” May that be our desire as well. To observe people as Jesus does. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. If you forget everything else, here’s one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. There are great personal benefits that accrue to us when we are a keen observer of people. But we need God’s help to be that kind of person. Closing In closing, if you found the podcast helpful, please subscribe and I’d appreciate it if you would leave us a review wherever you get your podcasts. It will help us to serve more people just like you. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

How are we doing with our New Year’s resolution to do good for others? To do more for people than they do for you, to the point they thank you in writing? Hey, thank you, Carol. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 91, Keeping Your Resolution to Do Good for Others. We are 41 days into 2021, and I thought it would be interesting to see how we’re all doing with the one new year’s resolution we talked about in episode 87: “Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution.” If you’re new to the podcast, you might want to go back and listen to it. It aired on January 13th. You’ll find a link to it in the show notes. This relational resolution I spoke about was to resolve to get written “Thank You” notes from as many people as you can this year. It's to do good for others to the point people thank you in writing. Today I want to share the results I’ve seen and heard so far. The numbers thus far As of the date of this recording, and together with my wife Janet, we received 4 thank-you notes addressed to both of us. For scoring purposes, I’ll divide the 4 in half, so that’s 2 for Janet, 2 for me. And then I received one addressed just to me. So if my slide rule is correct, that brings my total to 3. Janet has 2. Carol, how many have you gotten so far this year? 4? really. You’ve always been an overachiever. An unexpected consequence to this New Year’s resolution As I was thinking about how I could meet this goal of getting thank-you notes sent or given to me, I began to think of writing my own thank-you notes to people who have been kind to me. This drew me to a gift I received a few years ago from my daughter. It’s a lovely box, entitled “A Year of Gratitude - A Kit to Inspire 52 Weeks of Giving Thanks.” Inside were 52 simple thank you notes and envelopes, printed in 4 unique designs. Also included is a small booklet, the cover of which read, A Year of Gratitude Journal. It contains pages to write down the names of people you send these thank-you notes, and other pages with thoughts and quotes about the practice of thankfulness. Since I have 20 left, I must have sent 32, assuming of course the slide rule I mentioned before is still accurate. The inside of the box cover reads as follows: Each act of gratitude starts a ripple of kindness that begins with you and reaches further than you can imagine. Every letter you write adds joy to the world, so take out your pen and begin. What writing a hand-written note does for you So I’ve started to write a few thank you’s from this box, and it’s starting to get a bit addictive. Addictive in the sense that I’ve started to become more aware of the kindness extended to me. Even though it’s more work than sending an email, writing a text, or making a phone call, I’m finding myself drawn to this process. There’s something about using a pen to draw something out of my heart to lay it down in ink on paper or card stock, and then putting it in an envelope, sealing, addressing, and affixing a stamp. There’s something I find creative about this effort, and that I’ve accomplished something of importance. And then there’s the mystery and wonder of mailing the envelope. You put it in the mailbox, and for just 55 cents here in 2021, many people will be your hired hands at the post office, your temporary employees, your servants who do your bidding to deliver your note to whomever you want to receive it. From the tip of Maine to Hawaii in the Pacific Ocean, you can do all this for just 55 cents. So what's the point? The whole point of this relational New Year’s resolution is to do something significantly good that impacts people, which prompts them to express their gratitude in writing. Getting a thank-you note is simply the end result of kind and thoughtful behavior on our part. It’s a way of keeping score. It’s a high bar to receive something in writing. Not a phone call. No email. Not even a text. To get a written note of appreciation on a piece of paper requires more effort and work on the part of the sender. For people to go to this trouble, means you must have touched them in some meaningful way. The goal of this relational resolution is to deepen our relationships with people. We don’t have control over what others do to strengthen our bond with them, but we do have control over how much effort WE put into the relationship What generated these thank you notes? With regard to the 4 thank-you notes sent to Janet and me jointly 1 was from a missionary couple who recently stayed with us for a week 1 was for the encouragement received from this podcast Another was for having a friend over for dinner And the last one was for a financial support contribution to a new missionary couple to help get them started The one solely sent to me came in the mail from Kathy, a listener to the podcast, who wrote: “You have earned a thank you note!” Then she went on to say a few things she liked about the podcast. Two things struck me about her note: you have earned a note. It starts with earning… doing something meaningful that evokes a written response. The second thing was what she wrote on the back of the small envelope, “I forgot to tell you this note is from my Grandma’s collection! She always wrote thank-you notes!” What a privilege to the recipient of one of these notes from a finite, dwindling supply from a dear relative of this podcast listener. So what does my experience have to do with you as a listener to this podcast? I would like to hear YOUR stories of people who have sent YOU thank you notes, and what you did to prompt people to write to you. What you did can inspire the rest of us to do something similar. It would be a great way to encourage the rest of us You can send your stores to me in an email to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Be kind to people. Spread a little relational sunshine. Do good without expecting anything in return. Start your own ripple of kindness that will motivate others to do the same. Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today’s program. You don’t need to do a podcast to encourage others. The Holy Spirit can show you how to encourage others in other ways, using your unique gifts and personality that God created you with. Just ask. The easiest way for you to get a written thank you note is to have someone over to your house or apartment for a meal. Or even just dessert. Or coffee. Maybe watch a movie. Or just hang out together. Follow the pandemic protocols to whatever extent you feel comfortable but just do it. A second way you can get a thank-you note is to send money to a missionary. If you’re in the habit of donating to missionaries, you’ll get a receipt. That’s fine, but it doesn’t count for our purposes unless you get a handwritten note from the recipient. For that to happen, you’ll have to do something different. Like sending an extra contribution. Or sending them a check directly, without getting a tax-deductible receipt Write a note to someone in your family. I wrote a thank you note to my wife, Janet. A few days later, she wrote one to me. And it wasn’t our birthday, Valentines Day, or Thanksgiving Do kind things for people in secret, even though you’ll never get a thank-you note for doing so. The Bible talks about this. The “thank you” you receive will be from Jesus Finally, do good for others, regardless if you ever get a thank-you note from them. It will make you a better person, the person you were meant to be. It’s what you were made for. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to take action as we’ve discussed. Be sure to let me know how this goes for you. I’d love to hear what you’ve done that generated a written thank-you note to you. I’d also love to hear how you thanked someone for what they did for you. All of this so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, you were made for this. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

When encouragement from others is lacking, we can encourage ourself by observing others, then ask God to help us to be like the people we admire. Hello everyone and welcome to today’s show, episode 90.  Do you remember the last time someone encouraged you and how good that felt? Do you remember how it motivated you to keep doing whatever it was that prompted another person to take notice of what you did and tell you about it? Hopefully, it wasn’t too long ago. But for some of us, encouragement from others is as rare as your child asking for more vegetables at dinner. We may not even remember the last time it happened. What are we to do then? Keep listening as today’s show is about how we can encourage ourself when we don’t get it from other people. In last week’s program, episode 89, “How to Be a Better Observer of People,” we talked about the ORA principle of deepening relationships. Observing. Remembering. Asking. We focused specifically on observing. Today I want to talk about another benefit of being a keen observer of people. Besides helping us to understand others and relate with them more deeply, observing others and how they move through life is a great way for us to encourage ourself. I’ve got a number of examples I want to share with you today of how I was encouraged by listener responses to recent episodes of the podcast. As you hear excerpts from what your fellow listeners have to say, I think you will be encouraged too. The Christmas Story The first one comes from a listener in Pennsylvania who wrote in response to episode 84 "The Christmas Story", on December 25th. This morning, I listened to your Christmas Day podcast gift....matter of fact, I listened to it twice. Thank you. The choice of passage really spoke to me and helped put me into a better frame of mind for this season. Thank you for this gift. This listener’s response encouraged me to think about how I can change my frame of mind when it needs changing. I don’t have to stay stuck. I can do what he did, namely, listen to or read a passage of scripture, maybe even twice like he did. This encourages me. I hope it encourages you. Finding Joy at the end of 2020 The second listener response was to episode 85, "Finding Joy at the End of 2020", on Dec. 30th. It’s from Marcy, a missionary serving in Brazil who wrote: I can certainly identify with “joy along with sadness” this Christmas holiday season. I really appreciated your emphasis on choosing to have joy even while not minimizing so many who also experience pain during the holidays. As children of God we are “created in His image “ -which gives us the power to choose. Yes -“power” because we are not victims of our pain, nor our circumstances, no matter how challenging. We can turn to God. His “mercies are new every morning. Thank you for your message of HOPE. Observing how Marcy can find joy even in the middle of sadness encourages me. She says we don’t have to live like victims, because we can turn to God when bad stuff happens to us. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes like playing the victim card. Because when I’m a victim, nothing is my fault and I don’t have to change. Nothing is required of me. Her comments encourage me to realize I don’t have to feel like a victim. That I can choose to turn to God for help when things don’t go my way. And you know, you can, too. Live out a theme for yourself for the rest of 2021 Then there’s the note I got in the mail on January 2nd from Randy, a listener in Pittsburgh. He wrote I am so glad you are doing this podcast …it’s an ongoing encouragement in how to care for and love others. In my daily devotional that I read from John Eldridge, I was encouraged to ask God for a theme to live out 2021….within minutes I looked at our Christmas tree and saw the wood ornament “Hope.”…the only large letter ornament on our tree…It’s God’s gift of encouragement to be hopeful in the coming year and to live with hope…seems well-suited for me in 2021! Noticing how Randy picked a theme to live out this year, encourages me to do the same. It's an example of how we can encourage ourself by observing how others view life.  Randy selected “living with hope this year.” Hmmn. I think I’ll pick, “Look for the joy.” I’d like to be a little more like Randy. How about you? Is there a theme you can live out in 2021? Second-hand praise Speaking of joy, Linda from North Carolina responded to episode 86, "How to Begin the Year with Joy," on January 6th. She wrote: It’s amazing to me how important we are in each others’ lives. We can actually sustain someone through our written words of encouragement, through our voice in a song or poem, through a fresh-baked pie or pot of soup, through our prayers on their behalf. I’m excited to trust our All-Creator God to help me be alert in this new year to sustain others in creative, simple ways. I think you could do a whole session, John on passing on 2nd hand praise. I recently wrote a couple in my daughter and son in law’s church who have been so supportive to them in the home going of my daughter’s mother in law. Throughout our Christmas time together, my daughter shared several ways they’d been helped by this couple. So yesterday I wrote them myself thanking them for the way they had encouraged my kids by their kindness. We never know how a small seed of appreciation, passed on in that way can bear much fruit. All it takes is keen ears to catch it initially and then diligence to follow through letting the first person know the impact of their thoughtfulness. I love being that kind of link, don’t you? Linda’s comments really encouraged me to do what she does, All it takes is keen ears to catch it [the kindness of others] initially and then diligence to follow through letting the first person know the impact of their thoughtfulness. What a great way to make a difference in the world. Observing how Linda lives life encourages me to be a little more like her. Her comments show me we can encourage ourself by observing others. This will work for you, too. Stepping into people’s lives Another person I’m encouraged to be more like is Josephine, the missionary from Eastern Europe I interviewed in episode 83, "The Best Christmas Gift - Be with People in Community," right before Christmas on December 23rd. She’s also a listener to the podcast and wrote to thank me for having her on the show, and then said that the episode ...caused me to reflect even more on a key element of the Christmas story- Jesus stepping into our world as the light of the world, just as I, on an incomparable smaller scale, stepped into theirs [i.e., those musicians she mentioned she developed a relationship with who honored her by wanting to know about the real Christmas story] and was able to share pieces of truth with them. May he in his grace help us to be open, bold, and sensitive to opportunities like this! If you missed that episode, find the time to go back and listen to it. I’ll have a link to it in the show notes, no. 83 on December 23, 2020, “The Best Christmas Gift - Be with People in Community.“ Hearing how Josephine is still reflecting on the Christmas story and how it motivates her to be open, bold, and sensitive to opportunities to enter into the lives of others, encourages me to do the same. I need to be a little more like Josephine. Does observing how Josephine lives encourage you? Carol thinks we need to have her back on the podcast. I agree! A different kind of New Year's resolution Finally, I have two other responses from listeners about episode 087, "Make it a Relational New Year’s Resolution" from January 13th. Jennifer, from South Carolina, wrote I loved your thank you note goal idea for 2021! I will work on this… And this from Libby, another listener: Hi John, I loved your idea about collecting "Thank You" notes, but I really like the idea of remembering to do things for others that will prompt the response. I also appreciated your podcasts about joy. I needed them. Remember the “Thank you note” idea? Do something for people that causes them to write you a thank you note. See how many you can get this year. Noticing how these two listeners reacted to that idea encourages me to be even more intentional about it myself. And I’m glad they got the point, that it’s not the thank you note itself that’s the goal, it’s doing something so meaningful that it motivates someone to express their appreciation in writing. That’s the point. I’m encouraged to follow Jennifer and Libby’s lead because I know it will bring out the best in me. It will do the same for you, too. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. When encouragement from others is hard to come by, we can encourage ourself by observing others. And then ask God to help us be more like the people we watch and admire. Here are a few ideas for how we can apply today's episode to our own relationships? Look around and start watching for people who display virtue in how they think and behave. People close to you, as well as complete strangers. What qualities do you admire in them? Which of their virtues would you like to take on as your own? It starts by observing. Look for the good people. The kind people. Take notice of others like those mentioned in today’s episode. You can be like them. You really can. But you can’t do it on your own. You need God’s help. Ask Jesus to show you how you can be more like the people you respect and admire. Then you will become more the person God intends for you to be. You were made for this. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. Just like those you heard about today. It’s bound to encourage others. You can put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 89, where today we talk about how to be a better observer of people. In last week’s episode, Get Them to Say "Thank You for Asking"  I talked about the ORA principle of deepening our relationships with people - Observing - Remembering - Asking. Today we’re going to examine in more detail the first component, O - observing. It’s about how we can understand people better by noticing the clues they give us about what they are experiencing. This is all for the purpose of deepening our relationship with the important people in our life. Last week I tried to make the point that the ORA principle is based on the premise that you actually care. If you don’t really care, it will come across as manipulation. It’s important to be honest with yourself, to do a gut check and ask yourself, do I really care about that person and want to have a deeper relationships with them. Or do I just want to relate someone to get something from them. Do I want to use them to meet my needs? If the later is the case, you may as well stop this recording now and listen to one of those ubiquitous crime podcasts instead. But if you want to deepen your relationship with someone, keep listening. The myth of Ice breaker exercises These rarely ever work. They almost never lead to anything. And they’re often used when there is no ice to be broken. Here’s an example: Q: “Tell the group something about yourself most people don’t know.” A: I typically answer with one of 3 responses I have two birth certificates with two different names Years ago I was a panelist on a TV show I once sat in front of a presidential candidate on an airplane. People rarely ever follow-up on the answers people give, even though its purpose is to help people get to know each other better The power of “bubbles” The SYIS (Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills) concept. Air bubbles that rise to the top of a calm lake reveal life underneath. Look for the bubbles. What clues are people giving off? With their words? Their actions? Where is the life? Where is the danger? Be a detective. As in the old TV show, “Monk.” It was about a private detective with an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Played by award-winning actor,Tony Shalhoub, who is from Wisconsin, by the way. He solved crimes by noticing clues others missed. He could follow the bubbles. Three examples of observing The " A poem is everywhere” story from college [no transcript available]. I mentioned in episode 87 to look for emotion. What do you think people are feeling? What are they happy about? Sad about? Worried about? Look for the emotion. The poem I wrote is about the emotion I saw in the moment. Later when I taught creative writing: field trips to the airport and the zoo. Write something about the people. It was all about exercise our curiosity muscles. Good writers are good observers of people. More recently, a Christmas party at a friend’s house, and looking around his den. Be tentative in your observations To be open to the possibility you’re mistaken. Think to yourself, “I wonder if…” Caution on body language. Misinterpreting it. Arms folded means I’m closed off to you, when it could simply mean “I’m cold.” It’s a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice and repetition. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Our relationships deepen as we become better observers of the important people in our life. It gives us important data for relating well with them. Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today’s program Ask God to help you be a better observer of people. Ask him to help you be more curious about others, not to be nosy, but to better appreciate what God is perfecting in the character of the people he created. As I mentioned last week, being a keen observer of people is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice and repetition. Read good literature. Poems, short stories, novels. pay close attention to character development. How do people change? Watch good movies with a critical eye. Use the same principles of reading good literature. Look for the emotion, in the characters, and in yourself in response to the movie. Study George Bailey the main character in It’s a Wonderful Life! Notice how is wife Mary responds to George’s anger and fear husband. Check out episode # 45 Seven Relationship Lessons from the Best Christmas Move Ever Made. Learn from people who observe well Lars and the Real Girl, that wonderful Ryan Gosling movie. Study the characters. Notice how everyone relates to Lars, and his bizarre behavior. One person relates to him differently than all the other characters, which eventually leads him to more healthy relationships. This person who relates differently to Lars is a doctor. She observes things about Lars that others in the film miss. She took in data that’s revealed in the first few minutes of the movie that helped her understand Lars in ways that the other characters did not. They had the same data she had, but her keen observation skills saw the connection between that data and Lars’ behavior. Everyone else missed it. For me, observing how the doctor related with Lars, gave me a powerful insight into human behavior that has helped me in relating to people. So observing the skills others use in relating to people, be it fictional or in real-life, is another thing we can do to apply what we’ve learned in today’s episode. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 88. Today we examine in-depth that odd expression of …. “Thank you for asking.” In last week’s episode I talked about making a New Year’s resolution of interacting with people in such a way that they will send you a “thank you” note in writing. That’s going to take some effort on your part because people rarely send thank you notes anymore. So for you to receive one, it will mean you’ve done something so meaningful for someone they can’t help but express their appreciation in writing. That’s a tall order, but still a worthy goal. As I said last week, it will bring out the best in us when we make it our goal for people to appreciate in writing what we’ve done for them. Today, however, I want to give you a related relationship goal this is easier. It’s a listening goal that will be a quick win for you. The goal is to get people to say to you, "thank you for asking." A quick win listening goal This expression, thank you for asking, is such an odd statement. Why are we prompted to thank someone for just asking us a question? Answer: Because it’s uncommon. Most people are usually telling, not asking, and when they do ask, it’s for news or something to benefit them, not for any intrinsic purpose to simply get to know you as a person. In a 90-minute listening talk at MC2, I gave this challenge at the end of the workshop, “make it your goad to get people to say ‘Thank you for Asking.’” I don’t mean to elicit this response from the clerk at the gas station or the teller at your bank who greets you with, “Hi, how are you today?" and you say, “Fine.” And then you ask the clerk or teller how they’re doing and they respond back with “Fine. Thank you for asking.” That’s just a polite courtesy, with not much meaning behind it. (By the way, I may have said it before, but you know what “fine “ is, don’t you? Feelings Inside Not Expresses. F.I.N.E.) So how do you do this? How do you ask someone a question that causes that person to respond with thank you for asking? You use the O.R.A principle. The O.R.A. principal It starts with Observing, followed by Remembering, then Asking. O.R.A. Observing Pay attention to what people say, and don’t say. Notice the body language. What do their eyes tell you? Notice the lip that starts to quiver, the knees that shake. The smile that comes across their face. Pretend you’re a reporter or detective, and note as many details as possible. Notice any incongruities between their words and their actions. Look for emotion. What do you think they are feeling? People watch, Speculate about them. What are they happy about? Sad about? Worried about? Look for the emotion. It’s how we connect with one another. Game with our grandsons at their favorite pancake house. Imagine what the people are like in the next booth over. Or sitting in a Chick-fil-A near a window to the drive-through, and speculate about each driver who passes by Above all, be curious. Remembering Observing is about the present. Remembering is about the past, about prior observations File observations in your memory bank In meeting a friend or someone else, ask yourself, “What did we talk about last time we met? What were they concerned about? What was on their mind then? Recreate a picture of your interaction with them from awhile ago What decision were they facing? What had time sensitivity to our last chat? Praying for people helps you to remember what to ask them about. Asking Ask something about them. Don’t ask something that benefits you, ask something about them. Remind them of your last or prior conversation, and pick up where you left off. Be tentative, you can always be corrected. Picture yourself in their shoes The “If they wanted me to know they’d tell me. I don’t want to be nosey.” It’s a myth. Be sensitive to time and place. The result of practicing the ORA principle: People will feel cared about, that someone would notice and remember, certainly from the past, but also something from the here and now. I’ll give you an example: recently I shared with a few people an unfortunate situation affecting someone from our extended family. It was a very troubling situation for this person, and because Janet and I are close to this person, it troubled us deeply too. It even kept me at night, it was so bothersome. We told a few people about it, two in particular - one in person, and one in a phone call. A week or so after we told what was going on, both people followed up with me. One called because they observed even in a phone call how bothered I was. They could easily picture themself in my situation. They remembered my situation after some time passed, and asked how I was doing, and how our extended family member was coping with things. And then several weeks later they called again, still remembering what I had shared, asking how all of us were doing. The other person did essentially the same thing, but by text. In both cases, I felt cared for because these two friends Observed, Remembered, and Asked. The one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Make it your goal to become a better observer of people, remembering what you see, and what others tell you about themselves. Make this the basis for inquiring about their lives. They will thank you for it. Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today’s program. Mention we need the power of Jesus to help us do anything of consequence. Stress grace. “God does the work” To better reflect the character of God, we… What do we learn from this story we can apply in our own relationships? The ORA principle is based on the premise you actually care. IF you don’t really care, it will come across as manipulation. To not observe, not remember, or fail to ask is a real relationship killer. It communicates you don’t care, when in reality you may indeed care. Observing - Remembering - Asking is a skill. And like any skill, it takes repetition and practice. Watch a movie or TV show and pay attention to the actors, using the things we talking about in “observing.” What are they feeling? What might be going on just below the surface of their life? If you could ask them a question that would cause them to reply, thank you for asking, what would you ask? As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. The easiest way is to put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Another thing you could do to help get the word out about this podcast is to leave a review in iTunes, or wherever you get your podcasts. A related resource that might interest you Episode 065: End With This Important Question to Ask Episode 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 87. Today we talk about a New Year’s resolution that will go a long way to deepening your relationships. I’m guessing it’s a New Year’s resolution you have never heard of before. In fact, I’d bet the farm on it, if I had a farm, that is. And even though we’re 13 days into the new year, it’s not too late to start implementing this resolution. And once you put it into practice, you’ll find it reaps rewards that will motivate you to keep up your resolve for the rest of the year.  It's a relational New Year's resolution. The New Year’s relational resolution Make it your goal to receive “Thank You” cards or notes for the rest of 2021. The backstory and why do this I came across this idea from Pat Flynn, and his goal for his business goal, to get thank you notes from his clients. Bulletin board full of them. I started noticing a few “Thank You” notes I was getting, and how motivating these are for me to keep doing whatever it is I did that caused someone to put their appreciation in writing. We’re all a little bit like Pavlov’s dogs. Positive reinforcement encourages positive behavior. As a teacher, a discipline technique was, “Catch your kids doing something positive, and then reward that behavior with a positive comment.” It works better than negative reinforcement. An example Emptying our dishwasher in the morning makes my wife Janet happy. I didn’t know how much she disliked doing this. When she started thanking me, I started doing it more often. When you put this New Year’s resolution into practice it will be a means of living out Romans 12:10, where we are told to “take delight in honoring others.” It will certainly delight us when we do something that honors someone to the point they put their appreciation in writing. I like the fact that this New Year’s relational resolution of receiving thank you notes is something you can measure. It’s tangible. It would be fun to have a contest to see which of our listeners got the most thank you notes. We won’t do that, but I would really like to hear from you and what you did that prompted someone to send you an expression of their gratitude. How do I do this? Ask God to show you whom to bless, whom to be kind to, whom to care for. Do for one what you wish you could do for all (Andy Stanley) To receive a “thank you” note, you have to do something pretty meaningful for someone to make the effort to show their appreciation in this way. In the age we live in, where electronic communication is the norm, for someone to use an older technology like writing a note, requires more of that person. But it’s this older technology that will get your attention and be more meaningful because of the work involved for the sender. A written thank you note will mean something. It’s a significant marker. Story of my recruiting days: Mailing resumes - then faxing them - now emailing them. At times we use the older technology to get attention. Whatever we do for someone to elicit their gratitude requires that we be keen observers of people. We need to have some degree of understanding about that person. What makes them tick? What's their love language? Lastly, keeping this New Year’s relational resolution will bring out the best in you. And the best in the recipient of your meaningful behavior. Two more examples The card from L_____… 11 months after the class. Just a few weeks ago I got one from one of our podcast listeners, along with a check as a donation to our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others, that sponsors this podcast. On the memo line they wrote, “Thank you!” The “thank you” note I sent to the street department for cleaning out the leaves from our culvert. No response, don’t know who saw it at the city. But it was good for me. I thought about life from their perspective. You shouldn’t expect a “thank you” to your “thank you.” If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Do something significant for someone that will prompt the person to send you a thank you note. Do it at least once a month. Make this your relational New Year’s resolution. Here are a few ideas for how to respond to today’s program. Start by doing something meaningful for the people closest to you. It’s so easy to take people for granted who are nearest to us. Ask God to show you what that person needs from you right now. Ask God what you should do for that person. Then start noticing people who are kind to you, and to others. Then send them a thank you note for what you appreciated about their behavior. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Finally, if you’re an over-achiever and looking for another New Year’s resolution to tackle in 2021, check out this blog post I wrote a year ago: The ONE New Year’s Resolution that Makes the Others Possible. If you missed the last two episodes, one to end 2020 and the other to start 2021, they’re both about joy. If you could use a little joy right now, click on these links: 085: Finding Joy at the End of 2020 086: How to Begin the Year with Joy Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Begin the year with joy. Find some or create some. When you create joy for others you create joy for yourself. Today’s episode shows how. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 86 and the start of Season 5 of our podcast. We said goodbye to 2020 in last week’s episode with the thought that even in difficult circumstances there is always joy to be found if we look hard enough. I gave two examples of finding joy in difficult circumstances. Starting today, let’s begin the year with joy. To do so I share several examples of finding joy in more positive contexts, like now, at the beginning of a new year. Not much has gone wrong yet. At least at the time of this recording. I hope the several stories I share will inspire you to either find joy, or create some yourself if you come up empty. I’ll explain how, so listen in. The first example that begins the year with joy Christmas card from ECFA (Evangelical Child and Family Agency) “ECFA has chosen joy amidst this pandemic.” I love the bold strength. It brings me joy to see this. Humor is a place where we often find joy For me, joy is often found in humor. In episode 80, A Christmas Gift of Silence on December 2nd. I mentioned ending the podcast with Marcel Marceau singing “his rendition of Silent Night.” 23 seconds of no sound, because Marcel Marceau was a mime My friend Larry’s response about Marcel Marceau and the context of Zechariah’s 9 months of silence Another listener’s comment about appreciating Marcel Marceau The Who Gets You? episode, no 81, “A Christmas Gift of Connection” elected a comment from Brad, a listener from Florida. Brad’s a friend of mine and he said his dog, Lucy, “Get’s him” and then he rated his wife Kathy as A-1. Humor is a tricky thing. We sorely need it for healthy relationships. It’s what got me through adolescence. But we don’t want to make it the focal point of our relationships. We'll save that topic for another day. Something we say that encourages another will begin the year with joy A listener’s email about being more of an observer and less of a commentator. "Be more of an observer and listener and less than a commentator. It can be a Christmas present of silence you give to others." “Two days ago I was in a phone conversation with a family member.  She commented on a photo that I had pointed out to her in a book I had given her to read.  When I mentioned that an item (a table) in the photo was actually positioned differently there than how we actually sat at that table when we were young, she disagreed and said it had been the same way that this book was showing it.  WHAT??  I started to come back with a strong rebuttal when all of a sudden it was as if the Holy Spirit said, "Stop." “I learned that this was not an instance where I needed to be right, that she may or may not hear the truth from another family member (Eleven of us sat around that table back then), but that I could walk away.  I am so glad I did.  The Holy Spirit immediately began ministering to me about how there are other heavier things in life that truly may need to be said but that this was not one of them.  That day became an enveloping of the Holy Spirit that I could have missed out on.” Comment from a former student I ran into him about 12 years ago, and then had a phone conversation with him about a mutual acquaintance just the other day. And I learned where life has taken him in the 40+ years since we were in the same classroom together every day. What struck me was his comment, “you were so kind to me back then.” Thank you note from a listener “Joy” at the top of the small card, the size of an index card, “John, just a note to let you know how much I enjoy your podcasts! They bring me much joy. ~ Patty This really touched me. It’s a great privilege to bring joy into someone’s life. I know some of you do this all the time. And I also know some others of you do just the opposite. You drain joy from people. The good news for you is that you don’t have to be that way. You too can also begin the year with joy. You’re just as capable as the rest of us to spread joy. Give it a try. For as you spread joy to others, you’ll create joy for yourself. It’s one of the great mysteries of life. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Begin new things, like the start of a new year in 2021 from a position of joy. Look for it, or create your own, and then spread it to others. Here are a few ideas for how we can respond to today's program Ask, what new thing in my life can I start today from a position of joy? Either look hard to discover the joy that’s already there, or create some of your own. When you create joy for others. You’ll be amazed how joy will come back to you. Do what the ladies at the ECFA did and be bold, take a stand, plant a stake in the ground for joy, regardless of what has happened before. Use humor to spread a little joy. Surprise people by being out of character. Look for puns, be playful with language. Point out incongruencies with a smile. Poke fun at yourself. It’s a great way to begin the year with joy. Be kind to someone, someone who doesn’t expect it or can ever pay you back. Who knows, maybe you’ll run into that person 45 years later and they’ll thank you for your kindness because it meant something to them so long ago, and they still remember. Lastly, let me and others know how this goes for you. I’d really like to hear from you about what you’re doing to begin the year with joy. You can comment in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or email your thoughts to me in an email, john@caringforothers.org. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Finding joy in the difficult challenges of 2020 hasn't been easy. But when we look for the joy it takes the edge off trying circumstances. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 85 of our podcast, our last one for 2020, and season 4. Season 5 starts next Wednesday. In episode 81 a few weeks ago I quoted the bible character Nathaniel, who asked a rhetorical question about Jesus in the very early days of his ministry, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” Apparently the town of Nazareth’s reputation lacked a degree of goodness about it. It never made it on the “Top 10 list of Cities in the Roman Empire to Retire." A similar question can be asked about 2020, with only two days left in the year here on December 30th. Can anything good come out of this past year? Like Nazareth, there is good and there is joy that came out of this past year, but we need watchful and discerning eyes to find it as 2020 comes to a close. We all know what went wrong in 2020. Is it just me, or does it seem to you that every letter or email we get this month from organizations start with a sentence or two mentioning how bad things have been for all of us in 2020? I think I’m guilty of writing a few of these myself. Maybe you, too. There’s no need to list all that went wrong this past year. We see and hear about it every day. The one thing we don’t usually see or hear about is the joy that’s also been part of just being alive in 2020. So where do you find the joy in these past 12 months? Finding the joy For me, it’s like when you buy a fixer-upper house as some of us have, or that you see in one of those increasingly popular TV shows about the same thing. I’m thinking of a house that was built, say in the 1950s, and now the original owners had to move into a nursing home. The house had never been updated, with the original linoleum in the kitchen worn through in spots. The cheap metal kitchen cabinets with a few dents in them. The peach-colored floral wallpaper in the bathroom that’s coming apart at the seams. But the worst is the carpeting that’s been there since Jimmy Carter was president. A few cigarette burns here and there, and stains from various pets down through the decades that gave it that unique odor that told you, “Yep, these people had dogs. Probably several of them.” All of this looks like the year 2020. But then … before you move in you begin the rehab work by pulling up the carpeting, and discover much to your unexpected delight, unblemished wood floors under it that look almost new. Finding the joy in 2020 is like pulling up that smelly, threadbare stained carpeting to find beautiful wood floors underneath. Here are two examples. Joy found on a college campus A local newspaper published a brief article about  Carroll University in town that just completed a semester of in-person learning. They celebrated by passing out to students a winter stocking cap with the school’s logo and a card that simply said, “We Made it!” Carroll officials spent months in preparation to make the semester of in-person learning possible. Cindy Gnadinger, university president, said “We wanted the students to know that because they followed the protocols we put in place they made the semester possible. There was a lot of joy that we have come this far.” "We Made It!" "We" - Not just me. Not just you. But we. Us. Administrators, staff, professors, and students. All of us, together. Collectively. “Made”  - We rolled with the punches. We took action. We didn’t roll over and play dead. We took precautions. We made tough choices. Story of the students who were expelled before the semester started for partying and violating protocols. Set a precedent, We’re serious about this. All the students we saw on campus wearing masks outside, walking down the street, 50 feet away from others, but still wearing a mask. Accepted the inconveniences for a larger goal “It” - Completed the goal of a semester of in-person learning against a lot of obstacles. We worked through our fears. Accomplished a goal in the face of adversity. We made it to the finish line, a little wobbly, to be sure. But we made it. The joy in this experience in no way negates the difficulties and sense of loss the students and staff experienced. Almost no social interactions because of the masks and social distancing. The sense of isolation many students felt is not what the college experience is supposed to be. Yet everyone made the best of these difficult circumstances. They made it! Finding joy in God’s timing in a tragic loss In episodes 71 and 72 I talked about my friend Martin whose wife tragically died in early August of this year. I’ve met with him several times since then, and in a recent phone conversation he talked about the grief he is dealing with and the impact of raising a daughter alone, and caring for Suzanne’s disabled 81-year-old mother. The weight of it is almost too much to bear. But then his voice lifted when he talked about God’s timing of Suzanne’s sudden death. He had great support from the church during those most difficult of days. “But a month later things started to unravel at the church. The pastor and several staff members left. lots of division occurring, and the support would not have been there for me because everyone was so wrapped up with the internal affairs of the church. It was a blessing Suzanne died when she did.” Here Martin found a small measure of joy in the midst of overwhelming pain and loss. Joy and sadness sitting on a bench together My conversation with Martin was on a Saturday. The next day at our church the preacher talked in passing about heaven, and the unspeakable joy that awaits us there. That we are all foreigners just passing through on our time here on earth. That our ultimate home is with Jesus. At that point I thought of Suzanne and her infectious smile taking it all in, enjoying the wait for Martin, her daughter, and her mother to join here. That brought joy to my heart, as it sat on a bench right next to my sadness for Martin and myself over the loss of Suzanne. Joy and sadness sitting on a bench next to each other. That’s how it works. Finding the joy in no way minimizes the real pain and suffering of 2020, what Jason Riley of the Wall Street Journal calls “the cruelest of years.” It’s like that fixer-upper house I mentioned earlier. As joyous as it was to find the beautiful wood floors under the decades-old carpeting, there’s still all the other challenges. The peeling wallpaper, dented kitchen cabinets, the green screen door hanging from only one hinge. In spite of all this, we can find joy. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. There is almost always joy to be found in difficult circumstances if we look hard enough. When we find it, joy will take the edge off those challenging situations. Here’s what we can do in response to today’s program. Think of a relational goal you could work toward even in the midst of our global pandemic, and then take some action to accomplish that goal. Make that phone call, send that text, write that letter, set that appointment to meet, mask and all. Where there is no joy, spread some yourself. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. The easiest way is to put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Our Relationship Quote of the Week Joy lies in the fight, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself. ~ Mahatma Gandhi That’s all for today. See you next week. And Next Year. And the start of Season 5 on January 6th. Goodbye for now, and Happy New Year everyone! Related resources that might interest you Episode 71 How to Help a Grieving Friend Episode 72 What I learned from a Grieving Friend You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

The best Christmas gift we can give to someone, and ourself, is to be with people in community. That’s what God did in giving us Jesus. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 83. It is the last one in our series on Relationships at Christmas. One Word to Describe Christmas If someone were to ask you for one word to describe the meaning of Christmas, what word would you pick? Presents? Family? Joy? Jesus? Listen in to today’s episode where I interview a missionary friend, Josephine, who is serving in eastern Europe. She is single and lives alone 5,000 miles from home here in the US. Out of security concerns because of where she lives, I don’t call her by her real name. Instead, I call her “Josephine” because that was my grandmother’s name who lived in this part of the world until she was 18 and emigrated to the United States. She’s been dead for many years, but I have fond memories of her. In my conversation with this Josephine, she gives her answer to the one word that sums up the meaning of Christmas for her. The word she picked may surprise you. So let’s listen in….  [14:33 interview with “Josephine”] I loved the word Josephine picked to sum up the meaning of Christmas: “Emanuel - God with us.” A Christmas Gift of Honor And wasn’t that a great story about those 30 local east European musicians who wanted to honor Josephine, by honoring the holiday that means so much to her? They did this because she had invested in her relationship with them by honoring their music that she had to learn by ear, as difficult as it was. It reminds me of the verse in Romans 12: 10, “Take delight in honoring each other.” Honor begets honor. Josephine’s take on the shepherds in the Christmas story also struck me. They were rural, agrarian herdsman, who came into town to be WITH people so very different from themselves. Josephine concludes by saying she didn’t just watch Christmas from afar, and feel it inside, she actually lived it out by being WITH people in community, different from her, just as God did through his son Jesus who came to be WITH us. The one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Christmas is not to be celebrated alone in your pajamas. Instead, the best Christmas gift we can give each other is to be with people in community, some of whom may be different from you. For when we celebrate Christmas with others, we’ll discover we’re not as different from one another as we may think. A few suggestions for our own relationships in response to today’s episode We can follow Josephine’s example and honor someone at Christmas by extending ourselves to be with people in community,  like God did when he sent his son Jesus to be WITH us. Another thing is to reflect upon the past year, Covid and all, to recall God being WITH us. And then to thank him for that. If nothing comes to mind, just ask him to remind us. More good things have happened to us during this pandemic than we realize. It's a Christmas gift we can give to ourselves. As always, another thing you can do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to find a way to celebrate Christmas like God did that first Christmas. He wanted to be with people in a relationship, to be with people in community. It’s what he intends for all of us; if he were to speak to us audibly today I’m sure he’d say You Were Made for This! Related resources to help be with people in community If you missed the other episodes in our Relationships at Christmas series, you can access them by clicking on the following links: A Christmas Gift of Silence, episode 80 A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, episode 81 A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, episode 82 Our Relationship Quote of the Week As I read the birth stories about Jesus I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog. ~ Phillip Yancey One last Christmas gift before we close This Friday, December 25, I’ll have an extra Christmas bonus episode for you. It will be brief, so please look for it and listen in. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Learn how to get more out of Christmas through the gift of anticipation. As we appreciate what God has already done for us, we can trust him for our future. We can anticipate the good things he was in store for us, like a child waiting to open their presents on Christmas. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 82. Today is the third of our December series on Relationships at Christmas. We’re coming off the 3rd Sunday of Advent, which occurred just a few days ago. This 3rd Sunday traditionally focuses on Joy. The joy of Christmas. Did you know that you can experience the joy of every Christmas 3 times? You really can! Hang around and listen, as I explain. The three joys of Christmas The first joy found in each Christmas is anticipating it, looking forward to Christmas and imagining what it will be like. Then there’s the joy of Christmas Day; and all that happens during those 24 hours. That’s the 2nd joy. Lastly, there’s the joy of remembering afterward what happened on Christmas. It’s reflecting on the events of our Christmas and how what happened touched us in some way. For Today, We’ll Focus on Just the First Joy of Christmas, the Christmas Gift of Anticipation The first joy: Anticipation of Christmas It starts with Mary, the mother of Jesus that we read about in the Gospel of Luke in the Bible. We talked a bit about Mary in last week’s episode, #80, but to review she was a teenager from the little village of Nazareth. One day the Angel Gabriel, a messenger from God, visits Mary. He then tells Mary 3 things that will happen to her in the next few months. She will:  1) conceive a child even though she’s a virgin, 2) give birth to a son, 3)name him Jesus (Luke 1:31) After this, Gabriel tells Mary 5 things about her yet-to-be-born son, Jesus, and the impact he will have on the world (Luke 1:32) He will very great He will be called the Son of the Most High The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David He will reign over Israel, and finally His kingdom will never end Mary hurries off to share the good news Soon after Mary gets this news from God, she hurries off to her elderly relative, Elizabeth. Shortly after her arrival at Elizabeth’s house, Mary shares her joy with Elizabeth what God told her through Gabriel. You can feel the joy in her words as she anticipates what God is going to do through her son, who is actually His son! Mary praises God for this incredible earth-shattering historic event that is about to happen, and how God chose to get the ball rolling by using her, a nondescript teenage girl of humble origins from the podunk little village of Nazareth. What a wonderful Christmas gift of anticipation Mary received from God! Mary anticipates her soon-to-be-elevated status, not because of anything she did, but only because of what God chooses to do with this humble teenage girl. She is in awe of being the recipient of such a great blessing. This is a beautiful and encouraging relationship story between lowly Mary and the God of the universe. If God will bless someone like Mary, maybe he will bless me too Mary’s Christmas gift of anticipation is based on the character of God and what he did for many generations before hers Read Luke 1: 46-56, The Magnificat: Mary’s Song of Praise. She praises God in response to Elizabeth who tells her will be called “blessed” Shows mercy from generation to all who fear him Has done tremendous things, like scattering the proud and haughty Brought princes down from their thrones Exalted the humble Filled the hungry with good things Sent the rich away with empty hands Helped his servant Israel Has remembered to be merciful Made promises to our ancestors, to Abraham and his children forever Because Mary calls to mind what God has done in the past for her ancestors, she can trust God and anticipate more of his goodness in moving forward in her life, and in the life of her people. And what joy there is in this Christmas gift of anticipation of what Jesus is going to do next. Mary set the stage for the rest of us in showing that the real joy of Christmas is found in a relationship with Jesus. What about you? Where are you finding joy this Christmas? Is there anything you can remember that God has done for you in the past, that makes it easier for you to anticipate the good things he will do in the future? If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. To best experience the Christmas gift of anticipation of what is to come. we need to reflect on what has already come. What God has already done in our lives that speak to his character and gives us confidence to trust him in what is yet to come. Here’s what we can all do in response to today’s program What can you anticipate about your relationship with Jesus, based on what he is doing now in your life, and what he did in the past? If you can’t point to many things Jesus has done for you, it’s only because you don’t know him well enough…yet. It’s never too late to start getting to know him. Why not start today? Do what Mary did in Luke 1:38, she just believed. Not in an “I hope so manner”. but rather in affirmation of what God was telling her through the angel Gabriel. Elizabeth tells Mary You are to be called blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said. (Luke 1:45) As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. The easiest way is to put your thoughts in an email and send them to me, john@caringforothers.org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing I hope you will savor the joy found in experiencing Christmas in 3 ways this year, starting with the Christmas Gift of Anticipation of what is to come. And just like Mary, I hope your Christmas joy is based on your relationship with Jesus. Because after all, You Were Made for This. If finding more joy during the Christmas season interests you, you might want to listen to episode 46 from last year, Where Joy to the World is Found. Our relationship quote of the week If you come at four in the afternoon, I'll begin to be happy by three. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

A deep personal connection with someone who "gets us," brings us joy as we share the challenges and joys of life together. Make one if you don’t have one. It's one of the best Christmas gifts you can ever give - or get. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 81. Today is the second of our December series, Relationships at Christmas. I love the phrase, “he gets me,” or “she gets me.” You hear it in romantic chick flick comedies a lot. Not so much in the Bruce Willis genre of I-have-to-kill-the-bad-guys-or-else-the-world-will-be-destroyed movies. I love the “he gets me” phrase because it captures a feeling of connection, oneness and understanding between two people in just 3 little words. It describes a relationship where you don’t have to explain yourself much, because someone knows you so well, so deeply, words aren’t necessary. Those of us who have a relationship like this treasure it. But about the rest of us? How can we get this gift of connection where we can say of another person, “they get me?" The Christmas story found in the Bible gives us an example of such a relationship. Let’s see what we can learn from it that we can apply in our own relationships. Elizabeth and Mary - A Deep Personal Connection The story is found in the gospel of Luke, chapter 1, and verses 26-45. The same angel who visited Zechariah visits Mary, both Zechariah and Mary were scared, and he tells them “Don’t be afraid” What do we know of Mary? She was a teenager, no older than 14, from Nazareth, Mary comes from Nazareth Located some fifteen miles west of the Sea of Galilee and twenty miles east of the Mediterranean Sea, Nazareth had a population between two and four hundred people during the time Jesus lived there. Not known for anything significant, except the childhood home of Jesus.  He was known as “Jesus of Nazareth." Up to the time of Jesus, Nazareth was a small podunk village, not known for anything it had to offer the world. In the Gospel of John, Nathaniel, in reference to Jesus asks “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?” In a town this size, everyone knows everyone and each others’ business An Angel visits Mary The angel Gabriel visits Mary and tells her even though she is a virgin, she’s going to get pregnant and as a result, give birth to the savior of the world - a humanly impossible feat that defies the science. He then tells Mary of another humanly impossible feat: her elderly relative Elizabeth is pregnant too! I wonder if this is why God orchestrated John the Baptist’s birth late in the life of his parents. To give Mary a companion, a fellow traveler, who was also dealing with the humanly impossible. Elizabeth and Mary were going to be in it together. They were not going to trust the science alone. They would have each other. What a deep personal connection! In just 3 days after Mary’s visit from Gabriel, she hurries to her relative Elizabeth’s house. She may have been her aunt or a cousin. How did Mary explain this to her own mother? How did she explain her absence to Joseph her fiancé? Why did she go? God, through his Spirit told her in so many words, “You go, girl!” Mary visits Elizabeth When Mary greeted Elizabeth in Zechariah’s home there was much joy in the house. Elizabeth was over the moon excited with Mary’s arrival. How affirming Elizabeth was to Mary at a time when Mary needed some connection with another human being who had a sense of what was going within her, both within her body and her mind. The text says Mary stayed with Elizabeth for 3 months. Elizabeth was already 6 months pregnant, so what does that mean? The math tells me Mary was probably around for the birth of John the Baptist. What great preparation for 14-year-old Mary for what would happen to her in 9 months. What great preparation for her pregnancy itself in going through Elizabeth’s pregnancy with her. I wonder what Zechariah thought? Here this young relative, maybe a cousin or niece of his wife moves in for 3 months. What was that like for him, for the two women, Elizabeth and Mary? Elizabeth’s pregnancy was a mystery and a miracle to her friends and neighbors. But Mary’s pregnancy was a source of shame to her friends, family, and people in the village of Nazareth where everyone knew each others’ business. Mary needed Elizabeth more than Elizabeth needed Mary. Elizabeth, the older woman, blesses Mary the younger woman. It doesn't always work this way Janet worked for a time with Mom’s n More, a ministry at a church we used to attend. She and other older women were supposed to be mentors to younger women. But the younger women almost always relied on their peers for advice about dealing with the many issues a young mom deals with. Rarely did they go to someone like Janet who had been down that path before and knew where the booby traps were hidden and how to deal with them. Mary goes on to praise God, which we’ll save for the next episode. But for now, what a beautiful and intimate personal connection between Elizabeth and Mary. Elizabeth knew what was happening to Mary even before her visit because God’s spirit told her, not Mary. Just as the Spirit of God told Mary what was happening with Elizabeth. And the Spirit of God still works that way today, putting people together, connecting them with each other in a way that advances God’s plan for the whole world. Not just for one’s individual happiness. The Holy Spirit still prompts us to reach out and connect with people of his choosing. What a great Christmas gift of a deep personal connection for both of these women before the very first Christmas. This intimate personal connection was a gift from God to both Elizabeth and Mary. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Giving a Christmas gift of a deep personal connection with someone who gets us, who understands us, is one of the best Christmas gifts you can ever give - or get. Here’s what we can all do in response to today’s program Who can we try to connect with who “gets us?” Who understands us? If there’s no one on the horizon who can do that for us, who is someone we can extend ourselves to in an effort to “get them.” To understand them? Who might the Holy Spirit be telling us we could be an Elizabeth to? What in your experience has prepared you to be an Elizabeth to someone else? Who is someone with the cards stacked against them that we can come alongside to let them know you will be with them, in whatever they are dealing with, that you will be there with them together? You’ll walk through things together. Even if it’s shame. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. A related resource that might interest you 045: Seven Relationship Lessons from The Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Our Relationship Quote of the Week There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back. - Elizabeth David That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Relationships during Christmas can be challenging. Your Christmas gift of silence may be the best gift you give this year to people. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 80. It’s the first of our December episodes about what we can learn from the relationships we see in the Christmas story that can help us in our own relationships this Christmas. And please be sure to stick around to the end for a rare musical treat I will share with you. I’ll start by telling you about a group people I met who don’t enjoy Christmas as much as the rest of us. Any idea who this group could be? It was a group of pastors I used to work with, of all people. The part of Christmas they didn’t enjoy was preaching sermons about it. They loved preaching about other things, but sermons about Christmas were challenging because what can you say that hasn’t already been said. My suggestion: talk about relationships. The Christmas story has always been about relationships. I’ll give you an example. The back story to the Christmas story Like every good story, the story of Jesus’ birth has a back story, which we find in the first 23 verses of the Gospel of Luke.  In these verses I count at least 9 different relationships: The apostle Luke to Theophilus, the recipient of Luke’s letter Zechariah and Elizabeth Zechariah and his past, the priestly order of Abijah….his relationship with his past Luke to the truth Zechariah and the angel Gabriel Gabriel and God Zechariah and his relationship with God Zechariah and his neighborhood, his circle of relationships. His community Elizabeth and God All of these relationships are interesting, but at our staff meeting Carol said I needed to focus on just one of them today. She suggested I should go with with number 7 on the the list, Zechariah and his relationship with God. So that’s what I’ll do. The Christmas story starts with a man named Zechariah. So who exactly was this Zechariah character, and what can we learn from him? He was a Jewish priest Very Godly man, very religious, consider to be righteous in God’s eyes as he was careful to obey all the Lord’s commandments Was well thought of in his community and religious circle Married to a woman named Elizabeth who could not conceive a child A key element to this story is that he and Elizabeth were very old The angel Gabriel appears to him one day. And he’s terrified. But Gabriel tells him “Don’t be Afraid” and that God has answered his prayer and Elizabeth will have a baby, and he’s to be called John. The angel goes on to tell him what a great man his son will be and that he will prepare the people for the coming of the Lord. “How can I be sure this will happen? I’m an old man now, and my wife is well along in years.” Big Mistake. Gabriel then, as God’s messenger, says, because you don’t believe me, you don’t believe God and because of that “you will be silent and unable to speak until the child is born.” 9 months of being mute. It was a Christmas gift of Silence from Gabriel to Zechariah Elizabeth soon became pregnant and went into seclusion for 5 months. She says “How kind the Lord is! He has taken away my disgrace of having no children.” We then have the story of Elizabeth’s relationship with Mary, which we will pick up with next week, in episode 81. We’ll skip this for now and move ahead 9 months when Zechariah and Elizabeth’s son is born. The silence ends Gabriel's Christmas gift of silence ends 8 days AFTER the baby is born when Zechariah writes on a writing tablet, “His name is John!” I wonder what Zechariah was thinking for those 8 days because Gabriel said he’d be mute “until the child is born.” Was he impatient? The first words Zechariah spoke were words of praise to God vs. 66 “Everyone who heard about it reflected on these events and ask, ‘What will this child turn out to be?’” It was a community event The rest of the chapter Zechariah praises God, foretells the coming of the savior, and that his son John, vs. 76, “And you, my little son, will be called the prophet of the most high.” What tenderness coming out of Zechariah’s mouth! How are we to make sense of this story of Zechariah’s relationship with God Zechariah has a hard time believing that God is going to perform a miracle through his wife giving birth to a son, much later in their life. Many of us would have a hard time believing God, too. Why is he penalized for what seems a normal response? I wonder if it it’s because: He’s a religious leader and more is expected from leaders. People in the community are watching how he lives out his faith, and to question God like he did sends the wrong message Not what he said, but HOW he said it. He placed more value on “the science” than his trust in God’s word to him. We’re all hearing “trust the science” during the 2020 pandemic The penalty for Zechariah in asking his question seems odd. I wonder why this penalty of 9 months of silence. Was Zechariah too much of a talker? Some religious and academic types feel the need to weigh in on everything. They don’t. Maybe God wanted Zechariah to spend more time reflecting on his relationship with Him. Perhaps God wanted him to be a better listener. To be a better observer of people and the world around him, and less of a commentator or teacher. I’m guessing that the 9 months of not talking created a spiritual and relational growth spurt in Zechariah. He defied the community norms by naming his son, “John” as Gabriel had said, rather than after someone in the family. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode Trust God and what he says, even when it defies logic, human wisdom, and experience. What we can all do in response to today’s program? Take more time to be silent; to reflect.  It can be a Christmas gift of silence you give to yourself Restrain our desire to comment on everything that happens around us. Hold more of our opinions to ourself. Have fewer opinions altogether. Be more of an observer and listener and less than a commentator. It can be a Christmas present of silence you give to others. Become more of a learner and less of a teacher. Trust God, even when the odds are stacked against you, like they were for Zechariah and Elizabeth Embrace silence. Use it to reflect on God and what He thinks, and what he is up to. Just like Zechariah’s community did in Luke 1:66. Your Christmas gift of silence may be the best gift you give this year to family and friends. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. A related resource that might interest you Episode 20, Relating with People Who Talk too Much Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Our Relationship Quote of the Week Don't speak unless you can improve upon the silence.   ~ Spanish proverb As we close today’s show, I want to play for you a cut from a CD I got from Carol at last year’s office Christmas party. We all drew names, I got Rex, our beloved doorman to our building. And Carol got me. She knew I am a huge Marcel Marceau fan, so for my gift she got me his Christmas CD, “Marcel Sings Classic Christmas Carols.” Listen in to his rendition of “Silent Night.” It’s one of my favorites. That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Be thankful for the simple gifts found in relationships. They show us how to relate to God, ourselves, and others. They are a great gift. Hello everyone and welcome to episode 79, our Thanksgiving episode. Imagine for a minute it’s Thanksgiving Day here in the US, and you are sitting around the table with your family eating your Thanksgiving dinner, and you ask everyone around the table what they are thankful for this past year. I say “imagine” because Dr. Fauci and others have urged us to avoid family get-togethers altogether. Without regard to what you decide to do in this matter, how would you complete the sentence starting with, “In 2020 I am thankful for….”? What are you thankful for? I’m not a music guy, but for me, my answer comes from a song of all places. A song I first learned in 7th grade from my music teacher, Miss Luck. It’s a song that could help all of us see Thanksgiving in a new light, in ways that will get us through Black Friday, and carry us on to the rest of the year. After 7th grade, the next time this same particular song reappeared for me happened in12th grade, during Mr. Dominguez’s music appreciation class when we listened to Aaron Copeland’s Appalachian Spring. Copeland captivated me with how he weaved this Shaker folk melody throughout his orchestral suite. I think about this tune every Thanksgiving. It's about being thankful for simple gifts found in relationships. Simple Gifts ‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free ’tis the gift to come down where you ought to be And when we find ourselves in the place just right ‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight. When true simplicity is gained To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed To turn, turn will be our delight ‘Till by turning, turning we come round right. ‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free ’tis the gift to come down where you ought to be And when we find ourselves in the place just right ‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight. History of the song “Simple Gifts” is the name of the song and was written in 1848 by Joseph Brackett, a Shaker elder. The Shakers were a religious sect that believed in the imminent return of Jesus Christ. They got their name from the wild and spirited dances they incorporated into their worship services. “Simple Gifts” is one of these dance songs. It involved a lot of bowing, bending, and turning. It was quite spirited, and there was a whole lot of shakin’ going on (I wonder if Elvis was a Shaker) as it was sung. I prefer the slower, more reflective version that is usually sung today. The melody first became popular when it was incorporated into Aaron Copland’s, Appalachian Spring in 1944 that I mentioned before. It later made its way into church hymnals, and into secular culture in 1970 when folk singer Judy Collins popularized it in her nationwide concert tour. The idea of being thankful for simple gifts found in relationships really caught on. “Simple Gifts” was sung at the inauguration of both Presidents Reagan and Clinton, and also at the funeral of President Richard Nixon. And most famously, the tune was taught by Miss Luck’s to my 7th-grade music class. Here's my take on the meaning of the song and what it has to say to us in the 21st century: ‘Tis the gift to be simple Simplicity is a gift. Apple, the iPhone maker, doesn’t necessarily make the best products, but they work very hard to make them the most simple for their customers to use. Steve Jobs quote: “Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.” It’s a gift when good communicators make complex ideas simple. Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again.” JFK’s 1960 inauguration speech, “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you do for your country.” What a gift Kennedy gave America in articulating his vision for America. Jesus was a master at making profound things simple. We see that in Matthew 22: 36-40 “An expert in religious law, trying to trap Jesus, asked 'which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?' Jesus replied, ‘You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.'” It’s a gift to communicate simple, uncomplicated truths like this. Simplicity is indeed a gift. It’s something to be valued. Simplicity in our relationships is something to be protected.  We can be thankful for simple gifts found in relationships. It’s a gift to be simple. 'tis the gift to be free ’tis the gift to come down where you ought to be It’s a gift to be free to live out Romans 12:3 to, “Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” There’s freedom in being who you are, and not something you are not To “come down” is a good thing. It’s an act of willful humility. The implication is there is the right place for us, the right lane, a sweet spot for each of us. To discover and live in that sweet spot is a real gift And when we find ourselves in the place just right ‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight. Negative connotations to valleys, (Psalm 23, the “valley of darkness.”) But there’s an upside to valley experiences Mt. Pilatus in the Swiss Alps outside Lucerne, Switzerland. Magnificent view, clouds over the mountain tops in the distance. But you can’t see much down the mountain top or the valley. Clouds block the view Better, more majestic view looking up, rather than looking down There’s protection in the valley, not on the mountain top When true simplicity is gained To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed When we are living in true simplicity, we can be humble, we can change our mind, and be flexible. We can admit we’re wrong, and we can elevate others, and celebrate this quality as a virtue, and not look at it as a weakness To defer to others won’t break us, it may bend us a bit, but it won’t break us What great relationship principles found in this catchy little tune. That we can be thankful for simple gifts found in relationships. To turn, turn will be our delight ‘Till by turning, turning we come round right. Turning is what repentance is all about. To turn from one direction to go in another When we’re willing to change, and repent, we will be the person God intends for us to be It’s not just a good thing to turn, it’s a delightful thing, it will bring a smile to our souls. And a smile to God’s face. There you have it, this Shaker tune sums it up for me. It’s easy to be thankful for the abundance in our lives. That’s not hard at all. What’s more challenging is to be grateful for the gifts found in simplicity, to be grateful in the valley, rather than the mountain top. To appreciate being at the bottom of the pile, rather than the top. To find joy in differing to others, and taking pleasure in being the person God created me to be. It is so rewarding as we are thankful for simple gifts like these found in our relationships. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Be thankful for the gift of relational simplicity. It shows us how to relate to God, ourselves, and others. It’s a true source of love and delight. What we can all do in response to today’s program? We can start by asking God to show us things about ourselves we don’t see. To make the invisible to us visible. Ask Jesus to help us see ourselves as he does, and as others do. Be grateful to God for the simple things in life, ask Him to help us come down to the place we ought to be so we can experience the love and delight He has in mind for us. It’s not our inclination to do this; we need God’s help. Look for ways we can unashamedly bow and bend to our own desires in our relationships. Look for the simplicity in deferring to others. Ask God to help us find delight in turning from selfish ways of relating to him, to others, and ourselves. As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through the simple gifts found in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Our Relationship Quote of the Week “I am not a genius, I am just curious. I ask many questions. and when the answer is simple, then God is answering.”                               ~ Albert Einstein That’s all for today. It’s been great being with you. And no matter where in the world you are, and no matter if you celebrate the US holiday of Thanksgiving or not, do yourself a favor and be grateful for the simple gifts in your life. Goodbye for now. Other resources To hear more examples of being thankful for simple gifts found in relationships, click on one of more of these prior eposodes: 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1 006: The Gift of Joy - Part 2 003: A Gift for the Person Who Has Everything You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Welcome to episode 78, where today we explore an important element of a fulfilling relationship. If you’re a new listener to this podcast, you will soon realize that we’re all about relationships here. We’re all about finding the joy God intends for us in our relationships because that is what He made us for. Our relationship with people, with the world around us, with ourselves, and most importantly, with God himself. Each episode is designed to share some nugget of truth we can act on to make our relationships fulfilling and joyful. Fulfilling relationships don't just don't happen on their own, they require effort on our part. Today, for example, we’ll be looking at one key principle of a healthy and fulfilling relationship each of us can work on to make our relationships the best they can be. We find this important relationship principle at work in the realm of leadership. Donald Miller Business Made Simple daily video recently talked about There are leaders who have no vision are successful if they have this one quality Some leaders who lack creativity can be successful if they have this one quality Other leaders who are intelligent can be successful if they have this one quality And even Leaders who lack people skills can be successful if they have this one quality They have a bias toward action. They get things done. A link to the 3:05 video will be in the show notes. Miller talks about this principle as it relates to business, but my experience is that it applies to relationships as well. And who can define what a “successful” relationship means? I prefer “fulfilling” to successful, To illustrate this principle, ’ll share several recent listener responses to episode #74 - Relationships During Elections, and episode #75 Getting a Letter Helps People Who Feel Isolated. They show that fulfilling relationships just don’t happen - they require action. Take Action in Your Relationships During Elections I’m recording this right before the US presidential election, and hopefully by the time this episode airs we’ll know the winner. But in episode 74 what we talked about how fulfilling relationships don't just don't happen when we're in an election season. The actions I suggested in this episode resonated with a listener from South Carolina who wrote to say they were “dead on the money.” In this episode I said: "If your guy wins, don’t gloat. Don’t rejoice. It’s not going to be nearly as good as you think. Be kind. Extend grace. Be gentle. Your relationship with the person who backed the loser is more important than any election. "If your guy loses, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t sulk, whine or otherwise complain. The sun will come up tomorrow. Acknowledge your sadness and fear. But it’s not going to be as bad as you think. Your relationship with the person who backed the winner is more important than any election. "We’ve had really bad leaders in the past and we’ll survive this one, too should the other guy have won. "Our Relationship Quote of the Week Also offered up another action we can take to put our relationship to the election in proper perspective. "From the Bible, Philippians 4:8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Election season never falls into any of these categories. Keep politics out of the church Another listener named Judy from Florida responded to my email reminder about the relationships during election season. She described an action she took when she visited a church. Judy said, “…during his sermon the pastor said that Barack Obama was the anti-Christ. I never went back.” I replied, “Good Choice, Judy.” Sometimes the best action we can take in a relationship is to walk away from it. Then we have Kim from Wisconsin who responded to the election episode with: “THANKS JOHN , THIS WAS GREAT. I AGREE WITH YOU. ONE THING THAT WAS IMPORTANT FOR US WHEN WE LOOKED FOR A NEW CHURCH WAS THAT POLITICS WERE MOT PREACHED FROM THE PULPIT. I DO NOT HAVE FACEBOOK AND THE WHOLE POLITICAL TOPIC IS ONE OF THE REASONS I DON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT. I BELIEVE ULTIMATELY GOD IS IN CONTROL. AND AS I AM CURRENTLY STUDYING EZRA, I AM AGAIN REMINDED THAT GOD CAN USE ANY LEADER FOR HIS GOOD AND HIS GLORY!" Kim and her husband took a wise action in their relationship with the church. They declared for themselves what was unacceptable, based on their values and understanding of God. And they chose a church home accordingly. And the final response to episode 74 on our relationships during elections really stings for me personally, because it comes from a guy at our church. I’ll call him Willie to protect his confidentiality. Willie writes: "As an Independent, I have not usually had an issue with politics until this year. There have been several people at our church that can call Democrats all sorts of names (socialist, queer lovers...)  Yes worse... "When I have responded in a joking manner about Republicans, wow it is like  I have insulted God, YHWH. "I have learned my lesson, but I find it deeply disturbing for the Church (followers of Jesus) I cannot imagine what non-Christians think???" Ouch! The action Willie took was to use a little humor to difuse the situation. But it was not received well. But at least he tried. Not all wise action leads to positive results, but we should still try anyway. Do the right thing, regardless of the results. These relationship stories involving churches confirm my suspicion that sometimes we Christians just get bored with Jesus so we fill our lives with junk food for the mind and soul. For Someone to Receive a Letter Means We Have to Write One Then we come to episode #75, Getting a Letter Helps People Who Feel Isolated. Here we touched upon the research that shows the therapeutic benefit of receiving a letter when we are disconnected from relationships and feeling lonely. I then read a letter I wrote to my Aunt Lucille who recently turned 100 years old. This was an action I took to maintain my relationship with my aunt because I know fulfilling relationships don't just don't happen on their own. This episode generated a number of responses from listeners about the value of taking action to write a note or letter to someone. Randy from Pittsburgh forwarded an article he saw from Inc. Magazine Flight attendants on a Delta flight who wrote handwritten notes to each passenger thanking them for flying Delta. This was about taking action to enhance business relationships. Karla from Wisconsin sent an article from the New York Times It's about a man in NY sitting next to a US mailbox on the street with a manual typewriter offering to write a letter for anyone who came by and then mails it for them. It was an action he took to help other people act to bless someone else. Finally, Marylin from Minnesota wrote the following email to me I DID IT! I LISTENED TO YOUR PODCAST FIRST THING THIS MORNING AND THOUGHT OF A FRIEND WHO TURNED 98 YEARS OLD LAST SATURDAY. HANDWRITTEN LETTER IS DONE! THANKS FOR THIS GREAT IDEA! I HAVE A FRIEND WHO DECIDED TO WRITE 70 LETTERS TO 70 DIFFERENT FRIENDS DURING HER 70TH BIRTH YEAR. THEY WERE ALL HANDWRITTEN. I HAVE TREASURED THAT LETTER. If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. Fulfilling relationships don’t just happen. To get the most out of them we have to take action, wise action, to make them the best they can be. Here’s what we can all do in response to today’s program. Ask God to show us what action we need to take to make our relationships fulfilling and satisfying. Is there something we need to do that requires something of us, like writing a handwritten letter or note to someone? Could there be a there a relationship God wants us to avoid or end, like our relationship with a church that talks more about politics than it does about Jesus? Is there an action we can take to bless someone, like the guy with the typewriter at the mailbox in New York City, that in turn will cause that someone to bless someone else? As always, another thing you could do is let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. Just like the listeners did in today’s show. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to take wise action in your relationships. For when you do so, you will find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Our Relationship Quote of the Week Successful people do what unsuccessful people don’t do, when they don’t want to do it. ~ source unknown That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did. Resources mentioned in today’s show Donald Miller video on successful people share a bias toward action Episode 74   Relationships During Elections Episode 75   Getting a Letter Helps People Who Feel Isolated

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 77. Before we begin, I need to let you know of 2 computer glitches affecting the podcast, both of which have been fixed. 1.) Prior episodes were only playing the most current episode. 2) You couldn’t leave a comment in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Thanks to listeners who pointed out these two problems, which have now been corrected! On to today’s episode. Every now and then, many of us in our more reflective moods will wonder if how we are living really makes a difference. Are we impacting the world in any meaningful way? To answer this question, I’m here today to tell you that it’s easier than you think to impact the world. I will give you several examples in today’s show, using listener feedback to 2 recent episodes of You Were Made for This. So please listen in. We’ll start with several listener responses to episodes 71 and 72. Both were about how to help a grieving friend. I shared the story of my friend Martin whose wife died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm, and what I learned about caring for a friend suffering such a deep and profound loss. Responses to episodes 71 and 72 Dear John, Listening to your podcast and reflecting on my own experience trying to help those who are grieving, I have seen where stepping out of our own comfort zone is often used by God to comfort others. It’s not easy, and it is a mystery how God uses our puny attempts for His purposes. Thanks for helping us think and ponder on these relationship issues. ~ A grateful listener This listener is impacting the world by doing something that doesn’t come naturally to her, for the sake of other people. She’s making a difference in the world by aligning her purposes with God’s purposes. And what can be more impactful than that? You can tell she is speaking from experience, and I wonder if she appreciates what a contribution she is making. I’ll read it one more time. From a listener in New York From Donna, a listener in New York, who was a friend to Martin and his wife from years ago: Hello, John, Today, I had some free time, and decided to catch up on your last three podcasts. I was shocked and heartbroken as I heard you recount the sudden death of Suzanne Karrer. I remember her and Martin well… Your story of Martin’s grief and Serena’s letter really touched me. I had been thinking of them recently and wondered where they were and what they were doing. I didn’t know they had left China, and only remembered Serena as a little pre-schooler. Do you think that Martin would mind if you shared his address with me? I would like to send him a card. He may not remember us, but I would still like to reach out to him.  I did give her Martin’s contact information and I know he appreciated hearing from Donna. She impacted the world by moving past her own grief and shock to let Martin know she cared and felt his loss. What a tender heart Donna displayed. The world needs more tenderness and Donna sprinkled a little of it on top of Martin’s grief and sorrow. What a great and sweet way to make a difference in the world: sprinkling a little tenderness around. From a listener who lost his mother From Chris: The story of Martin’s loss of his wife Suzanne came on the heels of a major loss in his own life. He writes: My own mother died eight days ago at the age of 89. She lived a good life, was a very good mother and a very good friend. And she was a great listener. She made each of her six children feel like they were her favorite. She was at peace until the last few days of difficult decline. I didn’t start grieving until 5 days later, at the funeral, when I walked in and saw her body for the first time in her casket. I really appreciated the lessons today John! So I will arm myself with a few new things learned and perhaps it is time to make sure I can be there for dad as his time of grief and loneliness, which will likely endure significantly. Chris is impacting the world by being there for his dad in his grief, even as Chris himself grieves. It’s an act of selflessness like this that makes the world a better place. From a listener who lost her husband From Gina. She lost her husband in a tragic death a number of years ago. Here is how she responded to episodes Episodes 71 and 72: Hi John, Really enjoyed this. Grieving is so complex… One thing I know for sure, LOVE is eternal. Suzanne and Martin’s love will never die and God has an amazing way of keeping us connected with our beloved.  Martin and his daughter are in a very sacred space right now....somehow straddling two universes.... And with time and a little perspective, there can be joy in suffering. A very strange, upside down way of looking at grief....this life is truly a blip in the span of eternity. It took me a long time to get to this place and I didn’t think I’d survive the pain of grieving....but God is good, God rescues. He rescued me. Prayers for all of you. My deepest sympathies. Suzanne’s smile is breathtaking. A widow impacts the world for good Gina is impacting the world for good by sharing what she learned about God through her own grief. She is giving hope to Martin and people like him by painting a picture of what life will someday be like for him. Let me read her tender words again. I shared Gina’s response with Martin and he wrote back to me, “So true what she says about pain, “I never thought I would survive the pain of grieving.” If you forget everything else, here’s the one thing I hope you remember from today’s episode. To Impact the world is easier than you think when you reach out to connect with others in the midst of their struggles, even when you are struggling with the same things yourself. Here’s what we can all do in response to today’s program. We can follow the example of “Grateful Listener” and step out of our comfort zone, knowing that’s what God often uses to comfort others. That will impact the world. We can be like Donna who opened her heart to the pain of another person, and respond in tenderness by connecting with them. That will impact the world. We can be like Chris, and even in the midst of our own grief, seek to enter into the grief of another to care for them, even when we need care ourselves. That will certainly impact the world for good. And you can try this Lastly, we can be like Gina, who shared from the depth of her heart to give people hope from God in the midst of their unspeakable sorrow. Unspeakable sorrow she herself experienced. Giving people this kind of hope certainly impacts the world for good. Finally, listen again to episodes 71 and 72, or listen to them for the first time if you’re a new listener to the podcast. As always, you could let me and your fellow listeners know what resonated with you about today’s episode. You can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Or you can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today’s show, to both reflect and to act in similar ways to the four listeners described in today’s episode. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Our Relationship Quote of the Week “Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. And if you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you— to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.”       ~ Lori Deschene That’s all for today. See you next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.