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You were made for fulfilling relationships. Listen each week to stories of people finding hope and encouragement in their relationships so that you can too. Host and award-winning author John Certalic, together with his guests, share principles of life-giving relationships. John’s relationship sto…

John Certalic


    • Dec 25, 2024 LATEST EPISODE
    • infrequent NEW EPISODES
    • 16m AVG DURATION
    • 218 EPISODES
    • 6 SEASONS

    Ivy Insights

    The You Were Made for This podcast, hosted by John Certalic, is an incredibly encouraging and enlightening show that focuses on the importance of relationships in our lives. John's genuine care and empathy come through in his voice, making listeners feel understood and supported. The podcast provides practical tips and insights on how to improve and grow in our interactions with others, ultimately helping us to develop greater depth of empathy. Overall, this podcast is a great resource for anyone looking to enhance their relationships and find fulfillment in their interactions with others.

    One of the best aspects of The You Were Made for This podcast is John's clear understanding of relationships and his ability to share that knowledge with his audience. His perspective on relationships is thought-provoking and often causes listeners to reflect on their own relationships and how they can improve them. John's engaging presentation style keeps listeners engaged with each episode, and his practical tips can easily be incorporated into personal conversations with others. This podcast truly encourages individuals to take action in building stronger relationships.

    While there are many positive aspects to this podcast, one potential downside is that it may not resonate with everyone. Personal preferences vary when it comes to podcasts, and some individuals may prefer different topics or styles of content. Additionally, while John does provide practical tips for improving relationships, some listeners may find that they need more specific guidance or examples tailored to their unique situations.

    In conclusion, The You Were Made for This podcast is a valuable resource for anyone looking to deepen their understanding of relationships and improve their interactions with others. John Certalic's genuine care and empathy shine through in each episode, making listeners feel heard and encouraged. The practical tips shared in the podcast are actionable and can be incorporated into everyday conversations. Overall, this podcast serves as a source of motivation and inspiration for building stronger relationships in all areas of life.



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    219: The Christmas Story for 2024

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 25, 2024 3:29


    On that first Christmas Day, Mary treasured all its details and thought about them often. May we do the same with the Christmas story in 2024. So here's the original story told in Luke's Gospel, just as it happened: At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census. And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David's ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. He took with him Mary, his fiancée, who was now obviously pregnant. And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them. That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord's glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don't be afraid!” he said.  “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of  David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger. “Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.” When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let's go to Bethlehem! Let's see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them. ~ Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV) There you have it. The Christmas Story for 2024. Merry Christmas, everyone. ____________________ I hope you enjoyed hearing or reading the Christmas Story one more time. Here are other episodes about Christmas from our podcast library you may listen to or read. The Gift of Joy - Part 2, episode 6 Make it a Merry Christmas This Year  episode 136 Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy  episode 135 A Christmas Gift of Silence, episode 80 The Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, episode 81 A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, episode 82 The Best Christmas Gift - Be With People in Community, episode 83

    218: It's Better to Listen Than to Talk

    Play Episode Listen Later May 1, 2024 14:01


    Today's episode, #218, brings to a close  Season 8 of our You Were Made for This podcast. If you've been listening for any length of time, I hope you've come to appreciate the high value we place on the skill of listening as a way to enrich our lives. As we wrap up Season 8 today, I'm going to share a story that illustrates why it's better to listen than to talk. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.  The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. A housekeeping note - let's stay in touch While there won't be any new podcasts coming your way for awhile, I still want to stay connected with you. Email is the easiest way for me to stay in touch with you. I've got some ideas and projects in mind I want to tell you about, so I'll need your email address to do that. If you already get my Wednesday email, you're good to go. There's nothing more for you to do. But if you're not on my email list and you want to hear from me occasionally, you'll need to sign up for it.  Click here or go to johncertalic.com/email to get on my email list. An example from the Bible of how it's better to listen than to talk Alright. Now, for today, I'm going to start by sharing with you an interesting example in the Bible of listening found in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 17, verses 1-8. It's often referred to the transfiguration of Jesus. Here's the story: 1Six days later Jesus took Peter and the two brothers, James and John, and led them up a high mountain to be alone. 2As the men watched, Jesus' appearance was transformed so that his face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as light. 3Suddenly, Moses and Elijah appeared and began talking with Jesus. 4Peter exclaimed, “Lord, it's wonderful for us to be here! If you want, I'll make three shelters as memorials[a]—one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.” 5 But even as he spoke, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy. Listen to him.” 6The disciples were terrified and fell face down on the ground. 7Then Jesus came over and touched them. “Get up,” he said. “Don't be afraid.” 8And when they looked up, Moses and Elijah were gone, and they saw only Jesus. A few observations  The passage is full of references to light. Jesus' face is shone like the sun…His clothes are “as white as light.”  God speaks from a “bright cloud.” Another thing I noticed in this passage is what an unusual circumstance Peter, James, and John find themselves in. Not only does Jesus change his appearance, but we also have him in conversation with Moses and Elijah, two Old Testament figures who died centuries ago. There's clearly a relationship between the three of them. But the three apostles have no category or words to process what they are seeing. They've never seen anything like this before. And then I noticed one word that jumps out, waving its arms to tell me it's the keyword in the text, around which everything else orbits. Like all the planets revolving around the sun. It's the word “listen” in verse 5. In the original Greek language in which the New Testament is written, listen means “to hear, consider, learn from, to understand, comprehend.” A contrast in reacting to Jesus We see how this relational dynamic of listening is played out in how the three disciples react to this most unusual situation. Peter was awestruck by what he saw at the top of the mountain that day.  And rather than sitting back and letting the event unfold, he starts talking. He was so uncomfortable with this transformation of Jesus, plus the return of Elijah and Moses from the dead. He had never seen anything like this.  So Peter deals with his discomfort by proposing this laughable building plan that sounds so spiritual: Building three shelters or tabernacles, one each for Jesus, Moses, and Elijah. Peter interjected himself into the conversation between Jesus, Elijah, and Moses. Do you think they were talking about the need for a shelter or tabernacle for each of them? I don't think so.  The truly awesome revelation of the majesty of God should have silenced Peter by taking his breath away.  In contrast to Peter, we have James and John were also present, but they didn't say a word. Everyone else was talking: Jesus, Moses, Elijah, and, of course, Peter. Have you ever been the silent one in the room where everyone else is talking?  I wonder what it was like for these quiet two. We miss things when we talk rather than listen The text says Jesus took Peter, James, and John with him up a mountain “to be alone.” Jesus's appearance then changed: “His face showed like the sun, and his clothes became as white as light.”  For what purpose? He becomes transformed with all this brightness. Why?  Then Moses and Elijah show up from the dead? How come? What does all this mean? We don't know the answer to any of these questions because Peter starts talking. Had he kept quiet, and just watched and listened, we might have learned more. But by talking, Peter changes the trajectory of the event by sharing what he's thinking rather than waiting to hear what Jesus has to say. Theologians have speculated for centuries what Jesus had in mind when he orchestrated this event. I wonder how this story would have turned out had Peter kept his mouth closed, like James and John, and let the story unfold without interjecting himself into it. Notice also what Peter says, “Lord, it's wonderful for us to be here!” He was making this spectacular event all about him, and not about Jesus and his agenda. We often personalize events and make them about us when, in reality, they're about what Jesus is doing to advance his kingdom. Peter couldn't wait to see things unfold. He couldn't step into the larger story of Jesus, his transfiguration, and the conversation between Jesus, Moses, and Elijah.  He made this event about the smaller story of his feelings of awkwardness and his way of coping with it through his building proposal. It's understandable that Peter would feel ill at ease, for there's no category for what he, James, and John witnessed. Yet James and John kept quiet. Peter could have, too. What are we to learn from this story? I want to come back to the original meaning of “listen” that I mentioned at the beginning.  In the original Greek, as I mentioned, listen means “to hear, consider, learn from, to understand, comprehend.” What are we to consider, learn from, understand, or comprehend from this story?   It reminds me of the fortune cookie photo you can see in the show notes and on our website.  It was sent to me by Kathy, a long-time friend and board member of our ministry. She happened to be in San Fransisco on a trip with her son.  Kathy is well-versed in our passion for promoting good listening and wrote the following about the photo: We then went to a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco's Chinatown, and after dinner, I opened my fortune cookie and practically gasped out loud when I saw this fortune!  It was much better than the typical "A pleasant surprise is waiting for you" fortune!  I knew right away I had to share it with you! “There are lessons to be learned by listening to others” “It's better to listen” principles from the Transfiguration story So what can we take away from this story to help us in our relationships?  Here are a few: It's better to listen than talk when we don't understand something Don't let our own personal story, as important as it may be to us, get in the way of the larger story of God's purposes. Keep our story small. God's story large.  Look for how our story fits into God's story, not the other way around. Since Jesus brings great joy to God, we do ourselves a big favor when we listen to Jesus. In doing so, we will bring joy to God, too. When we listen to Jesus, everything else falls into place. Our fears, our concerns, our hope for the future Closing As we wrap up season eight today, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to see how you can put into practice the better to listen principle. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. And don't forget, if you want to get on my email list so we can stay in touch going forward, you'll need to sign up for it. Unless, of course, you're already getting my weekly emails. Click here or go to johncertalic.com/email to get on my email list. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior recent episode 217: God Will Surprise Us All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  

    217: God Will Surprise Us

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 17, 2024 25:41


    In the past dew episodes I've been talking about how I tracked down my birth father and met him for the first… and last time in my life. You'll find links to those episodes at the bottom of the show notes. Today's show concludes this painful chapter in my life by focusing on a larger relational and spiritual principle that applies to all of us. Namely, sometimes in our difficulties God will surprise us in unusual ways to remind us he is still working for our good and for his glory. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Where we left off in the last episode In our last episode, #216, I told how I got the phone number of my birth father through one of his other sons. After about a month of sitting on the phone number and rehearsing what I would say to him when we talked, I finally summoned up the nerve to make the call. Part of my delay in calling, I realized later, was that the search for him was what energized me, not any actual contact with my birth father. The adrenaline rush was over.  I had no illusions that he would respond well when I called. I don't even know what responding well would have looked like. The fact the man was married seven times lowered my expectations. There was no thinking in my mind that he would rejoice at my call, sobbing, and once he composed himself would say something like, No fantasy expectation “Oh, I've wondered about you and thought about you almost every day since I first heard you were going to be born. Your mother would not return my phone calls. I even stopped at her apartment on one of my trips, but no one was home. I wrote to her a number of times, but she never wrote back. Then I lost track of her. I am SO glad you called, and I do hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for not being able to support you when you were a child. If you have it in your heart to forgive me, I really would like to see you face to face.” A more realistic response, I thought, would be his denial that he was my birth father. He might even hang up on me. I'd be fine with either. The court records told me all I needed to know about his character. Surprise ending to my search “Hello, is this Jack Byrd? “Yes, it is.” “My name is John Certalic, and I'm doing some family history work and I think you and I might be related.” “Really?” “Yes, does the name Renee Morris ring a bell with you?” “No, can't say as it does.” “You would have met her in the late 1940s when you were a truck driver and used to make runs to Milwaukee where she lived. She was from northern Minnesota and worked for the telephone company.” “Hmmm. This does sound familiar, now that you say it.” “Well, I am her son, and she tells me you are my father.” Long silence. Dead air. Nothing. What is he going to say now? What came out of his mouth surprised me. “Well, well,” with a jovial laugh as would come from a gentle grandfather, “I guess I have children all over the country I didn't even know about.” We talked for a bit more, exchanged addresses, and agreed to send pictures of each other. Neither of us ever did. A different surprise phone call After tracking him down, and then my telephone conversation with Jack Edward Byrd, I was able to put things to rest more easily. That all changed about six months later when the telephone rang one sunny Sunday autumn afternoon. “Hello.” “Hello. Is this John Certalic?” “Yes, it is.” “You don't know me, but my name is Judy Capes.” I went silent for what seemed like an hour as I processed what I just heard and speculated what it might mean. Why was SHE calling? How did she find me? Was I going to be in trouble? All these thoughts raced through my head, like an auctioneer's rapid review of bids on used farm equipment at a foreclosure. What did I do wrong now? was the question that always popped into my mind at times like this. The answer was almost always nothing, but growing up as a kid, I always assumed I was doing something wrong. What other  explanation could there be for my mother yelling and slapping me in the face so many times? “You don't know me, but my name is Judy Capes.” But I did know something of Judy Capes. She is Jack Byrd's first child from his first of six marriages. I learned about her from court records I had found in Fort Wayne. She continued. “I was talking to Dad recently and he told me about your call to him several months ago. He wrote you a card and sent a few pictures, but they came back to him in the mail. Apparently you moved and the forwarding address expired.” My birth father tracks me down She was right. I had given him my office address rather than my home address, and I had moved my business to another part of town before he wrote to me. I was surprised it had been that long since I talked to him. “Dad asked if I would try to track you down for him. So I just searched online and found you rather easily.” “I see.” “I guess you and I are brother and sister then,” she gracefully remarked, trying to end the awkward silence. “I guess so.”  So Judy knew.  In my search for Jack Edward Byrd, I didn't want to open up a can of worms for him or his other children or ex-wives. So I never tipped my hand to share with any of them that I was his illegitimate child, the one he kept secret from everyone.  “Tell me about yourself, then. And how did you find Dad?” Now that she knew, I had no reason to be secretive, so I gave her a quick summary of my life and told her how I found the man she called “Dad,” but for whom I had no title other than the antiseptic, “Birth father.” Discovering a surprise sibling “So that's me, Judy. Tell me about you.” I learned she was living in Leesburg, Indiana—just twenty minutes from our daughter's in-laws, a couple with whom we became friends when our kids married. We had a long talk, a very pleasant one that concluded with Judy saying, “I'd like to meet you in person. Any chance we could do that when you visit your daughter's in-laws?” “Possibly,” I said. “We don't get down to Indiana as much anymore now that our daughter moved back to Milwaukee. But I would like to see you, too.” Shortly thereafter, the conversation ended. I thought, Do I have room for another relationship?  Within six months, Janet and I were visiting Judy. Meeting her renewed my curiosity about Jack Edward Byrd, the one person we had in common. The Saturday afternoon of our meeting, Janet and I drove up the gravel road to where Judy lived in semi-rural Leesburg, Indiana. We turned a bend in the fire lane that separated two rows of one-story homes on small lots in between two channels of a lake we later learned was good for fishing. Within a minute of pulling up to her tasteful and well-maintained yellow home, she came out to greet us as we got out of our car.  She's very tall, just like me, was my first thought. Just like her father, as described to me by his former daughter-in-law. “She looks like you. I could see the resemblance right away,” Janet would tell me later. As we got out of the car, Judy walked over to us, welcomed us, and gave me a big hug.  A surprising family reunion Months passed and one day I got an e-mail from Judy, saying she was going to arrange a family reunion at her house some Sunday afternoon in the fall.  “I do hope you and Janet can come. We are flying Dad up, and Jim and I are going to drive down to the Indianapolis airport to pick him up the Saturday before.  “He doesn't know anything about this, and I'm not going to tell him until he gets off the plane. If I told him now, he probably wouldn't come. So that's why I'm going to spring it on him once he's off the plane. There's a distinct possibility, though, he might turn around and fly right back home to Florida. I'm willing to take the risk, though.” Judy continued. “I've already talked to my other brothers and sisters, and all except one plan to come. Some of them have not seen or talked to Dad in over thirty years. I sure hope you can come.” That call set the stage for the most awkward afternoon I have ever spent in my life. As we sat in Judy's living room, I talked a little, but mostly listened and drew people out to learn about them. They comprised an interesting group, and was enjoying myself. Then the door bell rang, the front door opened, and in walked a tall, slightly hunched over, silver-haired old man. It was Jack Edward Byrd. I meet my birth father Wearing a white and peach-colored Ban-Lon sport shirt, gray polyester pants, and white shoes, my birth father looked every bit the part of an eighty-year-old retiree from Florida.  “Hi, everyone,” he announced to those in the living room. He straightened his shoulders and began walking around the room, extending his handshake to some. He walked past me with a fleeting “Hello.” What a terribly awkward moment.  He seemed like the next-door neighbor who just stopped over to borrow a plumber's snake to clean out a clogged drain.  I watched him engage with the others in small talk. He appeared comfortable, while most of the rest of us looked ill at ease. It was a meeting of strangers. Judy later told me some of her siblings, who live within forty miles of each other, had not seen or talked to each other since high school.  Though I dislike ice-breakers, I felt like we needed one at that moment. Something like, “Share with your partner a favorite childhood memory.” It was an afternoon of small talk around a really big elephant in the room—Jack E. Byrd, the father of us all. Sharing the search results with two trusted friends More significant than all the details of locating, and then meeting my birth father, is how I finally moved passed this I never should have born - it's not how it's done chapter in my life.  It's significant because it illustrates a relational principle that can be applied in many different situations when we want to help people close to us going through a difficult patch in their life. For me, help came from my wife Janet, and two friends, Brad and Kathy. The four of us would get together for dinner occasionally during the search for my birth father. They would ask how trying to locate him was going and I'd update them on my progress. It was something I didn't want to talk about, yet I wanted to at the same time. It was always upsetting to me. One particular evening we made arrangements to meet for dinner. Driving to the restaurant, I vowed I would not talk about what I was going through. It weighed so heavily on my heart that I needed a break from it all. We had gone out with them twice before, and both times when they asked how I was doing, I couldn't hold back the tears, for it started the playback of “I should never have been born.” I didn't want to hear this song again, so I rehearsed in my mind that if they brought the subject up, I was going to stay calm and either say “I'd rather not talk about it,” or just give some cursory facts to be polite.  A dinner surprise It was a dark, wintry Saturday night when we pulled up to the restaurant. I dropped Janet off at the door, then drove down several rows of parked cars before I could find an empty stall for mine. When I walked in the door, I wasn't able to see Janet, nor Kathy and Brad, anywhere. They must have gotten a table already, I thought. So I began looking for them through the dim light. It took a while for my eyes to adjust, but I spotted them over in the corner at a round table. Table in the corner of a dark restaurant—good  choice, I thought, given how I had been at the more recent times we've eaten out together. Besides faintly seeing their silhouettes through the dark light, I also spotted something else at the table. As I neared the table, I could see tied to the empty chair they saved for me a yellow, helium-filled mylar balloon emblazoned in very large letters, “He's here! It's a boy!” Just like the kind of balloon you find in a hospital gift shop you give to parents of newborns. It caught me so off-guard it took my breath away. I sat down stunned. On my placemat was a card from Kathy and Brad, which on the front read “A baby is a gift of love—it's a boy. Congratulations!” And on the inside, they had written, “We are so happy you were born.”  This surprise took my breath away I stared at the card, still feeling the impact of the helium-filled balloon behind me. I couldn't speak. Nothing came out of me, except the tears I had committed to stuff down while in the parking lot just a few moments before. But these were different tears. Not tears of sorrow, as the others had been. But rather, tears of cleansing release, tears that washed away the dirt of my depression, tears that cleared my eyes so I could see what was true, what was real. No one said anything. They just watched. Their long silence was so compassionate, so caring, so tender. All I could muster was “Thank you” and a huge sigh of relief. It seems odd now, but something very heavy lifted from me that night. It was like the helium in the balloon. Everything lightened from my heart and seemed to slowly float to the ceiling, through the roof, and gently through the cold night sky up to the stars that seemed to call it away. Far, far away, where it would no longer grip me as it had for so many years. In the days following, we continued to remain friends. Brad and Kathy knew all about my phone conversation with Jack Byrd, and then meeting him in person at Judy's house in that most uncomfortable of family reunions. Friends drift apart But when we started attending different churches, we drifted apart and didn't see each other anymore for years. But what they did that night with a helium-filled balloon and a simple card came in handy as a sermon illustration fifteen years later. I was asked to preach a four-part series on caring for others at a church we had recently started attending.  The first sermon was to be about one of my favorite stories in the Bible from the Gospel of Mark where Jesus cared for some difficult people in his life—his own disciples. I like that story because the disciples remind me of how difficult a person I was for the people in my life during the search for my birth father. The disciples didn't create a scene in a restaurant like I did, but they certainly needed help when Jesus told them to row across the Sea of Galilee soon after He had fed 5,000 men and their families. Maybe it was the food; I don't know. In both my story and the disciples' story, food brought out the worst in us—and the best in the people who cared for us. Jesus gets in the boat with people When the disciples did what Jesus told them by getting into the boat on the large lake that is the Sea of Galilee, a storm came up. It caused them to strain at the oars to make it to the other side. They were obedient, yet as the Gospel writer Mark tells us, they were struggling, they were fearful, and their hearts were hardened toward Jesus. The thing that gets them out of their  predicament was Jesus walking from shore onto the water to meet them and get in the boat with them. He says very little in doing so, but in getting in the boat with the obedient, but scared and hardened men, Jesus makes their problem go away. The winds die down and the seas calm, all because Jesus got in the boat with them.  As I prepared this sermon, I was reminded how years earlier my friends Brad and Kathy, did what Jesus did. They got in the boat with me, didn't say much, but listened and cared for me by just being there. Their presence, even when I caused several scenes in several restaurants, calmed the stormy seas in my life, just as Jesus getting in the boat with His frightened, hardhearted apostles calmed the Sea of Galilee and their hearts as well. An important relationship principle Brad and Kathy illustrated the principle that we tend to overestimate the power of words, but underestimate the power of our presence. We think we need to say something, that we need to dispense wise, comforting, and helpful words to care for people. But on days when we're not feeling terribly wise because we've misplaced the car keys or can't figure out how to program our DVR, we feel so inadequate.  Most of caring is just showing up, but it is so hard to do when our own needs and inadequacies nag at us like dirty dishes in the sink crying for our attention. Caring for others exposes our perceived shortcomings of who we are and what we're capable of. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make things worse?  If I can't fix this person's problem what then? What will all of this say about ME? I planned to mention in my sermon that caring for others is not about us. It's about them. It's about being available to God to be used to draw people to  His son Jesus. It's not about being a competent problem-solver or wise advice-giver. It's about reflecting the image of God well and being His  representative. It's about getting out of the way so the Holy Spirit can work in someone's heart without interference from us.  A surprise from God That's what Kathy and Brad did for me, and it's what we can all do for each other. In my finer moments, as rare as they are, I find myself asking the question, I wonder if there's someone God is asking me to get into the boat with. Not conventional grammar, I know. But sometimes the best thoughts have the worst English. So that's what I prepared to talk about in my sermon that Sunday morning. Moments before the service began, I was stunned to see two friends seated in the audience I had not seen or talked to in years—Brad and Kathy. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think of a person going through a rough time who could use someone like you to get into their boat. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 215: Searching For My Birth Father 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior recent episode 216: Our Past Helps Us Understand Our Present All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.   

    216: Our Past Helps Us Understand Our Present

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 3, 2024 30:28


    Hello everyone. If you haven't listened to episode 215, “Searching for my Birth Father,” I suggest listening to that episode before continuing with this one. Just go to johncertalic.com/215. Today's episode, #216, continues with the theme of how understanding our past helps us understand our present when we see how God began shaping us early on to find joy in being the person he created us to be. Before we get into this I need to tell you that Carol, our announcer and executive director on vacation this week. Filling in for her is the latest addition to our staff, our chaplain and family cat, Father Patrick O'Malley. You'll see his picture at the top of our show notes for today's episode. Picking  up where we left off in the previous episode We left off episode 215 with the end of a conversation I had with my mother in the early 1990s about wanting to track down my birth father. The only information she had on him was that Jack Byrd, a truck driver, lived in Fort Wayne, Indiana in 1948. I'll continue now reading from edited excerpts from my book, THEM  that describe what I did next.  *   *   * At the time of this talk with my mother, our son and daughter were attending Grace College in Winona Lake, Indiana, about forty miles from Fort Wayne. I learned through my genealogy class that Fort Wayne has one of the best genealogy libraries in the country. Planning a trip to discover more about my past I thought I would extend one of our weekend trips to visit our kids by driving to Fort Wayne to try locating this Jack Byrd. But without the Internet, and certainly without Google, I didn't have a lot to go on. Just his name, and a seemingly common one at that, his occupation, and where he lived 43 years ago. Before going to Fort Wayne, I started some research from home using directory assistance. (My apologies here to the thirty and younger crowd. Ask your parents or grandparents about “directory assistance.”) I called the Fort Wayne area code, asking for the phone number of any Jack Byrd, of which there were three. Each with different middle names or initials. So I called my mother and asked her if she remembered his middle name, and she did —it was Edward. Jack Edward Byrd. Then I called the only Jack E. Byrd listed with directory assistance and found out he wasn't the Byrd I was looking for. This Jack Byrd told me the following, “Back in the 1950s, I used to get mistaken for him all the time. Bill collectors and other people kept calling me, thinking I was the other Jack E. Byrd. It was quite annoying. Sorry I can't help you out, but good luck in finding him.”  A second dead-end in search for my birth father Starting this search process surprised me; something I had ignored for thirty years had developed into a sense of urgency to locate my birth father. It created an adrenaline rush in me that lasted for about six months. In the genealogy class I learned of services that track down birth parents for adopted children. So I contacted one and paid twenty- five dollars for them to try locating Jack Edward Byrd. They came up with nothing. They're not trying hard enough, I thought.  Undeterred by this dead end, Janet and I decided to visit our college kids over their homecoming weekend in October of 1991. We drove down on a Thursday evening.  Then on Friday, while Janet spent time with our daughter Jennifer and our son Michael in Winona Lake, I drove over to Fort Wayne. I wanted to use what I had been learning in my genealogy class to try locating this mystery man in my life.  My first stop was the Allen County Public Library in Fort Wayne, where I camped out in the Genealogical Department. Looking through every source I could think of, I documented my research as I used to do when I wrote term papers in college. Using one bit of information to lead to another energized me. I started looking through obituary notices from the Fort Wayne newspaper. I found nothing there. I had to move on to something different, and to do it quickly, for I was due back in Winona Lake the same evening to attend homecoming activities with our kids.  Looking for keys to my past at the library and courthouse Checking out city directories, I found listings for Jack E. Byrd from 1946 to 1955. His employers indicated several trucking firms he worked for during this period. He disappeared after that. I looked for current listings of these same trucking companies, but they did not exist anymore. Had they still been in business, maybe an old-timer there would have remembered my birth father. Time was running out and I still hadn't gotten the information I needed. Maybe I'll have to come back and visit the addresses where he lived in the early 1950s to see if any of the neighbors were there at the time, and if so, ask if they knew his whereabouts.  With nowhere else to look in the Genealogical Department of the Allen County Library, and with time moving quickly, I went across the street to the Allen County Courthouse. It was there I found a treasure trove of information I needed. Room 201 houses the marriage and divorce records, so I started there. I was surprised, yet not surprised at what I found.  It's amazing what information you can find on a marriage license. I discovered Jack Edward Byrd was born on April 4, 1922. This April 4th date is a very significant date in my own history, which I will get to later.  Back to the story. Jack Byrd married a woman named Helen Jane Williamson in 1940. I was pretty sure this was my Jack Edward Byrd because it showed his occupation as a truck driver living in the area. This marriage was his first of six, five of which ended in divorce. One ended with the death of his last wife.  My birth father's other family At the time of my birth in February 1949 he was on wife number three and had four children from these marriages. Then there was me. I was conceived the same month his fourth child was born. So he was right in telling my mother when she announced her pregnancy to him that he had another family in Indiana and couldn't support the two of us and his Indiana family at the same time.  I certainly had no illusions my birth father was the epitome of virtue or that Focus on the Family was going to be contacting him anytime soon to present a lifetime achievement award. He was married three more times after I was born. On several of the wedding licenses, I noticed he either lied to whomever recorded the information, or there was a misprint.  The clock was ticking ever faster as I read through all this data. I wrote down names and any possible contact information from documents I discovered that I could later follow up on when I got home. Once I had gotten all there was to get in room 201, I then checked for civil and probate records, but I wasn't very thorough because their indexing system was hard to figure out and there wasn't time to learn it.  I still had about an hour left to do whatever research I could. There was more I could check, but it might have to wait for another trip to Fort Wayne. But the adrenaline was flowing and I wanted to use every minute left.  One final push to gather information about my past So I went across the street from the courthouse to the city/ county building to look for records there. Nothing turned up for Jack E. Byrd, but I did find a few records for his son Timothy Kevin Byrd. First a property deed from 1990, then divorce papers from his wife. I wrote down any names and contact information I could follow up on later.  With lots of paper filled with my notes, I headed back to Winona Lake for the evening activities with our son and daughter. I had spent the day using what I learned in the genealogy class, as well as what I learned from a summer job when I was a teacher. I worked for an insurance investigation firm where I checked court documents, looking for criminal records and civil actions. Added to this were the skills I developed as a headhunter, where I used one  bit of information to lead to another. All of this experience came into play in searching for Jack Edward Byrd. I think I was enjoying this process more than I should have. It gave me a sense of control and power over what had rendered me powerless for so many years.  Once we were back home in Milwaukee after my foray into the secrets of the Allen County Courthouse, I organized the notes I had taken and began mapping out a plan to locate Jack E. Byrd. Making phone calls to discover more of my past Using directory assistance, I started calling Jack E. Byrd's ex-wives and children, whose names I had found on marriage and divorce records. Several of them were easily located; others I could not find. The ones I could locate were scattered around various communities in Indiana. Unlike their husband  and father, they didn't stray far from their Hoosier roots. He, on the other hand, as I discovered, strayed as geographically as he did in his marital relationships, ending up in various cities in Alabama and Florida.  In calling the contacts I located, I didn't want this skeleton in their family closets to come falling down on them, fracturing something in them like it did me. I didn't want to open a can of worms for them. I didn't want to let the cat out of the bag. I didn't want to use other clichés for this very important process to me. I had to be honest, yet not reveal too much that would arouse suspicion.  So when I called, I would introduce myself and simply say, “I am doing research into my family history and as part of the search, I'm trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, someone I think I may be related to. Do you know if he's still alive and if so, what his phone number is?”  One bit of information leads to another piece of my past  No one ever questioned my motives. No one ever asked how I might be related. No one ever asked, “Well, if you think you're related to Jack Byrd, do you think maybe you might be related to me, too?” If they had, I probably would have just hung up the phone without answering. I've learned not every question people ask needs to be answered. I've also learned on the rare occasion when people ask me a question that makes me feel uncomfortable, it helps to ask a question in return, “Why do you ask?”  One particular ex-wife I contacted, a woman living in Rensselaer, Indiana, was most helpful. She had lost track of her ex a number of years ago, but she had a lot of names and phone numbers of family members who might know the whereabouts of one Jack E. Byrd. She did think he was still alive. I spent many evenings calling these leads and asking each of them for additional leads. Lots of phone calls, but no success. That was okay, though, because I was doing something. I could do, rather than feel. Doing something gave me a measure of control. It quieted the “you never should have been born; it's not how people are supposed to come into the world” voices.  One night, while going through my notes from my research in Fort Wayne, I found notes I had scribbled down from the divorce papers of one of Jack Byrd's sons, Timothy Kevin Byrd. I should mention that in my search, I was always asking for leads to any of Jack Byrd's children, thinking they would likely know how to reach their father, if in fact, he was still alive.  An attorney gives me a clue to help discover my past For some unexplainable reason, when I was at the courthouse, I also wrote down the name of the attorney and law firm that handled the divorce for Timothy Kevin Byrd, which took place in the 1980s.  The next day, I called the law firm of that attorney and asked to speak to him. Relieved he was still with them, I explained I was doing some family history research and noticed in some court documents he represented Timothy Kevin Byrd's divorce.  “He is someone I may be related to and I'd like to talk to him. Do you know how I can reach him?”  “Well, if I did, I couldn't tell you—attorney-client privilege and all that. I do remember him, though, and by the way, he goes by Kevin Byrd. I haven't talked to him in years, but the last I heard, he had moved to Ohio.”  That explained why I couldn't locate him through directory assistance in the (219) area code in Indiana. In those days, there was no nationwide directory assistance—you had to make a request for a person in a specific city, or at the very least, in a specific area code.  “What about his wife, his ex-wife? Do you know how I can reach her?”  “Hmm. I think she still lives in the Fort Wayne area,” he replied.  This is sure awkward I had her name from the divorce records so I called directory assistance in Fort Wayne, got her phone number, and then waited a few days before calling. I sensed this call was going to finally lead to where I wanted to go. It felt like I was closing in on a hunt I did not want to end. It was like coming to the end of a good book you didn't want to finish because the pleasure of reading it would also come to an end. That's why I waited before I called.  More nervous than in any of my previous calls, when Kevin Byrd's ex-wife answered the phone I said, “Hi, you don't know me, but my name is John Certalic. I'm doing research into my family history and as part of this, I'm trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, someone I think I may be related to. I understand you used to be married to one of his sons, Kevin. Is that correct?”  Then silence. And more silence.  Finally, with a nervous, halting voice, she replied, “Yes, that's correct.”  “I'm wondering if I can ask you a few questions about Jack Byrd.”  Silence once again on the other end of the line. After a very long pause, she said, “Can you call me back tomorrow?”  With her voice cracking, it sounded like she was starting to hyperventilate. “I was married to Kevin for only a year and your call has just opened up a lot of very painful wounds and memories.”  Opening up painful wounds in another's past “Oh, of course I can call back. I am so sorry. It was not my intent to do this to you. I am so sorry.”  “Call tomorrow. I just need some time to think about this and see if I can talk about it. It was all so terrible.”  “I understand, and I apologize for the pain I've caused you.”  “Okay.” Click.  Yikes! What had I done to the poor woman? Some stranger calls her out of the blue and wants to bring up a very painful part of her past. I felt terrible. So I waited several days before calling back.  “Hi, this is John Certalic again, I spoke to you a few days ago.”  “Yes, I remember. I'm sorry I cut you off, but that period in my life was so awful. It was a very abusive marriage. But you asked about Kevin's father, Jack. He and Kevin were very similar. Angry, abusive men. Jack was very tall. His face was pock-marked, probably from acne as a kid years ago.”  “Is he still alive?' “I don't know. It's been many years since I last saw him.” “Do you know where he might be living now?” “No.” “How about your ex-husband, Kevin? Do you know how I can reach him?” “I don't have a phone number for him. The last I heard, he was living in Columbus, Ohio.” “Well, thank you so much. You've been very helpful to me. And again, I am sorry for reminding you of a painful part of your past.”  “That's okay.”  “Goodbye.”  Another clue to discovering my past It was becoming clear to me that perhaps the path to Jack Byrd was through his son Kevin. So I called directory assistance in Columbus, Ohio, and found no listing for him.  Another roadblock. What do I do next?  I went back to my notes and after looking through them, decided to re-contact Jack Byrd's ex-wives to see if they knew how I could reach the son, Kevin Byrd. I don't know why I hadn't thought of that before.  One of the ex-wives said, “Oh, Kevin. Yes, he is living in Columbus, Ohio now. I think I do have his phone number. Let me see, now. Where did I put it?”  Oh, please, dear God. Let her find the number. “Yes, here it is. His phone number is ....” Now we were getting somewhere. Another lead, a good lead, to  follow up. The adrenaline was flowing again. I now knew how to reach the closest relative yet to my birth father. But I was getting more nervous about blowing my cover. What if he was more inquisitive than all the others? What if he wanted to know how I thought I might be related to his father? I needed to be honest, yet I wanted to respect everyone's privacy. I didn't want a repeat of what had happened with the call to his ex-wife.  It was getting a bit tense. A week went by before I summoned the courage to call the son of my biological father. My half-brother, Kevin Byrd. Same father. Different mothers. It occurred to me then that all of my siblings are half-brothers or half-sisters—the four I grew up with, and the many others I had never met. Nothing in me seemed whole.  Everything was half-this, half-that Everything was half. I was half-happy. Half-depressed. Nothing was full as it should be. I was not even fully adopted, for I had been raised by half of my birth parents, and adopted by the other half. This sometimes depressed me,  too. If both my birth parents had abandoned me, maybe I would have had more reason to be depressed all the time as a kid and young adult.  Nothing was normal. That's how it felt during my search.  Not long ago, though, I found some healing from this at a wedding for one of my nieces. I don't remember how we got on the subject but my brother Joe, who I grew up with, looked at one of my sisters and me, and shaking his head in disbelief, said, “I NEVER considered John my half-brother. He was always just my brother. Never just a half-brother.” What wonderful healing words those were to me.  The final clue  The search for my birth father, rather than depressing me, energized me. The next thing to do was to call his son, Kevin Byrd. After staring at the phone one evening, and picking it up and setting it down once or twice, I finally dialed his number.  “Hello, you don't know me, but my name is John Certalic. I'm doing some research into my family history and as part of this, I'm trying to locate a Jack Edward Byrd, and I understand you are his son. Am I correct?”  “Yes, I'm his son.” “Great. Is he still alive?” “Yes, he is, last time I checked.” “Do you know where he is living now and how I can reach him?”  “Dad is living outside of Mobile, Alabama. He moved down there when he retired. He got tired of winters in the Midwest. I've got his phone number right here; I just talked to him a few days ago. Here's his number... Oh, and when you call, let the phone ring for a long time. He's hard of hearing now and it will take him a while to get to the phone.”  “Thanks. I appreciate your help. Goodbye.”  Now what? More to come in the next episode We need to stop here because I know you have other things to do with your day. But we'll pick up and hopefully finish this story in our next episode, #217 in two weeks. I think you'll be interested in hearing what happened when I actually called Jack Byrd and what he had to say to me.  For now, though, I want to remind you of the theme of this little chapter of my past, namely that understanding our past and where we've come from helps us understand our present when we see how God began shaping us early on to find joy in being the person he created us to be.   It's a theme that can be part of your story as well. For me, I certainly didn't find any joy at the time in being the person God created me to be. That realization took time. But looking back now, I can see things more clearly.  The April 4ths connections  Here's just one example, the whole April 4th thing that I mentioned earlier. In my search for Jack Byrd, I discovered his birthday is April 4th. That day is also the day I found Jesus in 1968, which is my spiritual birthday. It's also the same day Martin Luther King was assassinated. He transitioned out of this world into a new life the same day I entered a new life.   And then the same thing happened to one of the dearest people in my life, My mother-in-law, Elda Millane, when she died at age 96 on April 4th, 2020. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's for at least the previous 12 years. It was both a sad and joyous occasion. And it's the subject of episode 059, “The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy.”  I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes.  It's really one of my favorites. I hope you listen to it someday. Thinking about all these connections to April 4th just gives me chills and draws me to the love of God. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think about how God has been shaping you, even from an early age, to be the person he's created to be. And to find a measure of joy in that reality. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 059: The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy 029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1 030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2 Most prior recent episode 215: Searching For My Birth Father All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    215: Searching for My Birth Father

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 20, 2024 14:37


    One of the more popular topics from past episodes has been the story of Gail Rohde who was adopted as an infant, and her search as an adult for her birth mother. Then several years after finding her, she searched for her birth father - and found him, too. I'll have links to those episodes at the bottom of the show notes.  It can be a relational minefield in dealing with the dynamics of adoptees wanting to know where they've come from, especially when it's been hidden from them. I have a similar story about searching for my birth father that I wrote about in my book, THEM.  Today's episode is about that search.  Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. An invitation from a friend One day my retired friend Bill told me he was starting to get interested in his family history. He wanted to learn more about where he came from and then pass this information down to his children and grandchildren. To help with this, Bill decided to attend a meeting of the Milwaukee Genealogical Society at the main library downtown. And he wanted to know if I would like to come with him.  I wanted to know where I came from, too, particularly as it related to my birth father, the man who brought me into this world in a one-night stand with my mother. The man who abandoned us and who made life very difficult for my farm-girl mother from Staples, Minnesota. The man who was having a greater and greater unwelcome influence in my life, though we had never met. Discovering who he was might help me discover who I was. So with all this in mind, I decided to go with Bill. We went to the first meeting and both of us became hooked on discovering our roots. This was in the early 1990s, before the Internet was widely available. So playing family detective and historian was a bit more challenging than it is today.  Wondering about my birth father From the time my mother first told me I was born out of wedlock and later adopted by my father, I wondered a lot about who my biological father was. And a lot about who I was. I always felt different as a kid. I was taller than my siblings, and as a teenager, was much taller than my parents. Maybe the circumstances surrounding my birth explained why I was depressed much of the time growing up.  “How you came into the world is not how it's done. You never should have been born” was a feeling that kept repeating itself over and over again in my soul, like a song on a damaged CD that skips because of a scratched track. Maybe if I knew more about my birth father and where I came from, I would be less depressed. Long before attending the Milwaukee Genealogical Society meetings with Bill, I began the search for the mystery man from my past. One morning, when I was twenty years old and home from college, I sat at the kitchen table of our small house, just with my mother and father, as my brother and sisters were in school. Fighting back my fear of not knowing what would happen next, I summoned all the courage I could muster to continue the conversation my mother started with me ten years earlier. Picking up a conversation from ten years ago “Mom, do you remember when I was about ten and you told me Dad was not my natural father? I was wondering whatever happened to my…” With that, my father quickly jumped up from the table, forcefully cutting me off and pounding his fist on the kitchen table next to his coffee cup, blurting out, “He was a truck driver and was killed in an accident. That's all we're ever going to talk about this!” Something inside told me he was not telling the truth as he stormed out of the room. For the next twenty years, I wondered about that conversation. Especially around the time of my birthday. I could never enjoy my birthday, for it would once again bring up the “how you came into the world is not how it's done; you never should have been born” theme from the basement of my heart. It would start a cycle of depression that would last for several days. I felt like crawling in a hole and just sleeping until the depression lifted, as it always did with time. Wanting to be like everyone else I felt so different from the rest of the world. Why can't I be just like everyone else? Yet part of me was glad I was not like everyone else. But that part, the missing legitimacy to my birth part, was where I wanted to be like everyone else. The mystery about my origins troubled me deeply.  I read with rapt attention newspaper articles about people reuniting with their birth parents. I intently watched TV shows and movies about children discovering as adults siblings they never knew they had. There'd be scenes in the airport with middle-aged people hugging their newly found brothers and sisters as they got off the plane. Maybe there's someone out there like that for me. Maybe my biological father had always wondered about me and was trying to track me down.  In the genealogy classes Bill and I attended, we learned how to find valuable information from public records, like birth certificates filed in courthouses. The copy of my birth certificate shows my last name is Certalic and my father is Harry Certalic. Nothing unusual about this, except if I had been adopted by Harry Certalic, why did his name appear on my birth certificate? My mother told me they married a year and a half after I was born and that he didn't adopt me until I was five. Were my parents lying to me? It made me angry to think about it. What are they not telling me? Why can't people tell me the truth? A courthouse cover-up Things became a bit clearer when I went to our local courthouse to see what they had on me. There I found a large ledger book where births in Milwaukee County were recorded in chronological order. I went to the day I was born and looked for my name with the other births recorded for the day. There was my name, and everything appeared in order, except for one entry—my last name. It clearly showed my last name, “Certalic,” but under the ink appeared some form of White-Out, covering over what had originally been entered. It was obvious someone had erased what was recorded as my surname, and then wrote “Certalic” over the erasure. What is this cover-up all about?  I learned through the genealogy class that in Wisconsin, as in many states, when a child is adopted, its original birth certificate is impounded and a new one issued with the name of the adopted parent(s) shown. So that explains why my official birth certificate looks normal, but the ledger book at the courthouse has the erasure. All this to protect the confidentiality of the birth parent(s). While I'm all for confidentiality in most areas of life, what about the right of children to know who brought them into the world? Who really, then, was my birth father? What name was covered over on the court ledger? What did my original birth certificate look like? As I neared my 40th birthday, I became more and more agitated and depressed about the whole thing. Janet kept encouraging me to talk to my mother to get more information. The last conversation I had on the topic hadn't gone very well, so I was not anxious to open a can of worms with her again. Finishing a conversation from twenty years ago One Sunday afternoon while visiting my parents, I summoned the courage to try finishing the conversation of twenty years ago about my origins. It was an attempt to finish the conversation begun ten years before.  I had been dealing with this whole thing for thirty years, and not dealing with it well. The voices whispering in my heart, “How you came into the world is not how it's done; you never should have been born,” grew louder and more frequent. By now, my father had suffered a paralyzing stroke several years after retiring from his factory job. Because of his stroke, he spent most of his time in a wheelchair watching TV. So with him in the living room, and my mother in the kitchen out of earshot, I continued my conversation with my mom from twenty years ago. In the same room, the same conversation. My mother finally answered my question “Mom, do you remember when I was ten and you told me Dad was not my real father? Who was my natural father?” She told me some of what she had said before at that time, that he was a truck driver living in Indiana who would deliver empty beer cans to the breweries in town. “Did he support us?” “No, when I asked for money to help us, he said he couldn't because he had a family of his own in Indiana he had to support.”  With a tight grimace in her face and shoulders hunched up, she continued, “And that's the last I ever talked to him, that [expletive].” “What's his name?” “Jack Byrd. “Where in Indiana did he live? “Fort Wayne.” “I want to try and track him down, Mom. Do you want to know what I find out?” “No.” ____________________ You're probably done walking your dog or washing dishes by now, so we'll need to stop. But in our next episode I'll share how I finally tracked down my birth father and what happened the day I met him. Most importantly I'll explain what I learned from this process. Closing As we close for today, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think about your origins. To ask your parents questions, if they are still around. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1 030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2 124:  Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well Prior recent episode 214: People Are Like Houses All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    214: People Are Like Houses

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 6, 2024 16:07


    A listener once suggested that for a podcast episode I should read from the book I wrote in 2016, THEM- The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. It's about relationships, which of course, is what this podcast is about. But I don't know if reading from it would interest many of you. Maybe the first chapter might, I don't know. It's about how people are like houses when it comes to deepening our relationships with others. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.  Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others My book THEM has never sold well. Many of them sit on a shelf in our basement to prove it. Two of my relatives I know bought the book, and I offered it to the rest of the extended family as Christmas gifts after it came out. But no one wanted a free and signed copy. I was going to pay the postage, too. Yeah, that was my Charley Brown Christmas alright. But I did get an award and a cash prize for the book. Writers Digest named it the “Best Inspirational Book of 2016.” However, there wasn't much competition for inspiration in 2016. It was a lean year in the inspiration department, as you may recall. Nevertheless, I'm going to take a chance and read from selected portions of chapter one of the book that I think you'll enjoy hearing, and maybe even find inspiring. It's about a useful principle that could help you in deepening the relationships in your life. It's called, “People Are Like Houses.” People are like houses I'll begin with this. Every house has multiple openings. All kinds of openings— windows, doors, chimneys, even clothes-dryer vents. Openings to bring the outside in, or openings to let the inside out.  When you walk past some houses, the resident of the house will see you from inside through a window, open the door and come bounding out to greet you.  “Why don't you come in and I'll get you something to drink. Please stay a while so we can chat and get caught up with each other's lives. I've been thinking about you. I have so much to tell you since we last met. It is so good to see you.”  This is how some people respond when we walk past their houses. Such people are wide-open houses with openings that invite you in. They are easy people to engage with—the low-hanging fruit of relationships. It doesn't take a lot of work to relate with people like this. Me, I get along great with children and older ladies because they are houses with relational openings I can easily pick out. Younger than eight and older than eighty is my sweet spot. With everyone in between, not so much.  Other people are houses with fewer openings. Walk past someone's house like this and when she sees you from her front window, she closes the drapes, pulls the blinds, and turns off the lights. If you go to her front door and ring the doorbell, she'll pretend she's not home and leave you standing there like a rebuffed Jehovah's Witness.  Closed openings to this house A number of years ago, the elders from a church in our area called me into a meeting to ask me how they could better care for their pastor, who was going through a rough time. Their question showed me they didn't know him very well. The better we know someone, the easier it is to care for them.  I responded to their question with, “I think you need to get to know him better.”  “We've tried, but it's hard because he plays it close to the vest. He doesn't let anyone in,” replied one of the elders.”  His house is full of closed doors and covered windows. The opening to his house is hard to find, but if you work at it long and hard enough, you'll find it.  “Maybe he plays it close to the vest because he's been hurt in the past with being more open, and he doesn't want to be hurt again. Maybe he plays it close to the vest because he doesn't trust you.”  A few heads nodded, but that's as far as it went. Some people have closed houses like this. I'm like this myself at times. I play it close to the vest when I don't trust people either. I close the openings to my house to protect myself, which Christian psychologist Larry Crabb calls the most common sin of us all—self-protection. Delayed openings Other people have houses whose openings will close up at first, but who wait to see if you come back, and then if the stars are properly aligned, and they've finished watching Dancing with the Stars, will crack open the door and whisper to you, “Now is not a good time, maybe next week. I'm not feeling well right now.” So you leave with a small opening for the future, a little hope.  Still other people, when they see you come by, will call out from the window, “I'd really like to talk, but the baby is napping, and my husband thinks I spend too much time with my girlfriends, so could you please come back tomorrow? Come at night, though, and come to the back door. I really need to talk to you.” Different houses, different openings Get the picture? People are like houses with many different openings. Some are wide open, and others closed shut like a lake cottage in the dead of winter. The frustrating thing for me is that I often want to enter a person's relational house through the opening I want, through an easy opening like the front door. I don't want to have to come back again and again, or wait until spring. And I don't want to go to the back door at night. Nor do I  want to talk through the screen of the kitchen window, or get on the ground and whisper through the basement window.  But the fact is, if I want to relate well with someone, I have to go with the opening that person gives me, not the one I want. This principle is especially true in caring for others. We can't care well for people if we don't know them very well. To care well means at times we have to pursue people and look for openings to get to know a person at a heart level. It's not always easy, for some people have closed up many of the openings to their house. We can't give up, though. It's important that we work at it. For in the end, it's always worth it.  The openings children give us These grandsons of ours have also taught me much about how people, even children, are like houses. They open themselves up to us when they want in ways they want—not at the time or manner I prefer.  On the occasions Janet and I have picked them up from school because their parents were away, I've wanted to understand how their day went. What did  they learn in kindergarten today? What is going on in their little hearts. I want to know because I love them deeply and want to enter into their world. When I try to get into their “house,” they are often very closed. They pull the blinds and turn off the lights with their favorite response, “It's classified.”  It's classified? Please, don't they know who I am? I've changed their diapers, which should entitle me to more than, “It's classified, Grandpa.” They closed one of the openings to their house I was trying to enter.  I wondered if there is another opening they would give me. There was.  I discovered the opening one night when Janet and I were babysitting and it came time to put them to bed. They got their pajamas on, brushed their teeth, and crawled into bed. I then read them a book.  “Can you read another one? Please? Oh please!” “I need a glass of water.” “Where's my Star Wars guy? I have to look for it. I can't go to sleep without it! Really, I won't fall asleep without it!” Typical bed-time stall routines. I've been through all of this many times, but then one night, Grant, firmly tucked in bed with the covers up to his chin, pulled out from his arsenal of sleep-delaying tactics, this question “Grandpa, are you going to die?” I didn't see this one coming Has someone been talking to this boy? Does he know something I don't know?  Ironically, his question came eerily close to the question too frightening for all of our family just six years earlier, “Is Grant going to die?” More about that later.  As I sat down on Grant's bed and looked into his eyes, I could tell he had moved from stalling at bedtime, to a deep metaphysical issue people have pondered for centuries. I was not prepared for his question, nor for such an opportunity to see into his heart. Grant was giving me an opening to his house, and I wanted to take advantage of it. I can't afford to miss this one, I thought, even though it came at night when I am least alert. But there he was, opening his house to me in a way that worked for him.  As I sat on the bed, I told him, “Yes, I will die someday, but it most likely wouldn't happen for a very long time.” I went on to tell him that when I did die, I would go to heaven to be with Jesus, where I would wait for him—to join me many years later. I told Grant we have nothing to worry about when it comes to dying if we know Jesus. For if we know Jesus, we will spend forever with Him and with all the other people who know Him.  Grateful for this opening I was invited into A smile broke out on his small lips that told me he was okay with my answer. He could now call it a day because his question about the destiny of humanity was settled and he could move on. He was comforted, as was I.  “Good night, Grant. I love you.” “I love you, too, Grandpa.” I turned out his light, thankful for the opening he had given me to his house, to his heart. We connected at an unwelcome, unexpected time for me. I found with our grandkids some of the most significant conversations I've had with them happened at night sitting on their bed, because it is when it is most comfortable for them. It's when they were the most reflective. I have to be on guard, to be aware, so I can take advantage of the openings they give me.  *   *   *   *   *   *   * Well there you have it, the “People Are Like Houses” principle from chapter one of my book, THEM. In addition to the two examples of this principle I've shared here, there are three more stories like it in chapter one of the book. But we've run out of time for today, as you've probably finished with folding laundry or picking up the kids from school. I'll leave you with two thoughts. I wonder if people you want to understand better are giving you “openings to their house” that you might be missing.  And secondly, are you making it harder on people to relate to you because many of the openings to your house are closed?  Are your drapes closed and your porch light turned off? It might be worth the risk to switch the lights on and open a window are two. Closing As we close up shop for today, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to look a little more closely at the openings people may be giving you into their house. Because when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior recent episode  213: Five Things to Watch for in Your Next Conversation All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.    

    213: Five Things to Watch for in Your Next Conversation

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 21, 2024 14:21


    One thing on my mind lately is a question about the meaningful conversations we sometimes have with friends, and what makes them different from other conversations. I started thinking about this while reading news articles about the Super Bowl played earlier this month. Meaningful conversations and the Super Bowl don't quite seem to fit together, but they do in my mind.  Keep listening and I'll explain the connection in today's episode, number 213. Welcome to today's episode Maybe they've always done this, I don't know, but it seems that sports journalists lately are using a new format to write about upcoming sporting events. It's a pattern where the headline states a specific number of things to look for when one team plays another. Take the recent Super Bowl from a few weeks ago, for example. “Five things to Watch for When the 49ers take on the Kansas City Chiefs” would be a common headline in news stories. Articles like this help the reader focus on specifics of the game coming up. This makes me think what if we took the same news approach to analyze the conversations we have with the people close to us. I wonder what that would do to enhance our relationships.  Would it make for more meaningful conversations with the people close to us? I'm going to try this out in today's episode I'm calling  Five Things to Watch for in Your Next Conversation with a Friend Here goes. First off,  Notice if the topic of conversation with your friend is new or is it one that's been repeated many times before?  Assuming neither of you are suffering from Alzheimer's, do you or your friend frequently cover the same ground you've gone over many times before? For example, does the topic of conversation drift once again to discussing your body's aches and pains? My friend Robert calls these “organ recitals.” Or does it go to concern about wayward children? The state of our country or culture? Should I buy brown carpeting or grey carpeting? Things you've talked about many, many times before. Why are some conversations with our friends like this? Is there nothing else on our minds? Are we that shallow? I don't think so. My guess is that people who bring up the same topics over and over again are bound up by the unspoken emotions about those topics. No. 1 on the list would be fear, or one of its cousins, like anxiety. Sadness or regret would not be far behind. They are all close relatives. We sometimes ruminate over things because we haven't put words to what we're feeling about those concerns.  Instead, what if we talked about the emotions riding on the backs of the topics we repeatedly bring up and see where the conversation goes? It will be a lot better than going in a never-ending circle we often go around in. A second thing to look for that's important to having meaningful conversations is to notice who does most of the talking. Notice who does most of the talking  There are certainly times where a conversation with a friend needs to be all about them. One person should have the floor for the entire time when they are dealing with a recent loss or some unexpected circumstance. But it shouldn't be a pattern every time you talk.   I have an extended family relative who is quite a charming extrovert that I only see at extended family gatherings like weddings and funerals. Everyone likes the guy. He holds court with all the relatives and goes on for what seems like hours talking about what's going on in his life. We know all about him. He knows virtually nothing about the rest of us. There's no air time for a meaningful conversation with him. It's always an interesting monologue from his lips, but there's no back and forth dialog.  You see the same thing in restaurants sometimes with small groups of people. One person dominates the conversation. And it's usually someone who talks loudly so you can't help but overhear what he or she is talking about.  Many times If you look at the faces of those not talking in the group you'll see blank stares. In most meaningful conversations people take turns talking and listening. Some may talk more than others, but do they also listen at some point in the conversation? Is there give and take, or is one person giving a speech to an audience? Here's another thing to watch for in a conversation with friends. Is the conversation more about the head or is it more about the heart? Conversations about facts or events, or little things running around inside our brain, can be very meaningful. I've had quite a number of them in my lifetime that center on what I think as opposed to what  feel. I think of the conversation I had in my twenties with Vern who was twice my age, and the time I asked him what he thought about a career change I was considering. His simple, “I think you'd be good at that” changed my life. Then there are the conversations about the heart. For example, there are two topics on the hearts of most Baby Boomers like me that don't get talked about much. The first is Who's going to take care of me in my old age when I can no longer care for myself? Who's going to be there for me?  Single people think it's more of an issue for them. But it isn't. It's on the mind of married couples just as much. Will my spouse be up to the task? And my kids, will I be able to count on them? Another important heart topic Related to this issue is the second heart topic, Will I run out of money at the end of my life, and if so, what do I do then? As helpful as conversations can be that come from our heads, those that come from our hearts do a better job of bringing us closer together with each other.  Inasmuch as we have control of a conversation, we do ourselves a favor when we look for and discuss the emotional aspects surrounding the issues of life. Like baby boomers talking about their worries of who's going to care for me. Who can I trust at the end of my life? Regrets for not saving as much as I could have, or not being able to save anything earlier for my later years. Here's another thing to watch for in our conversation with friends. Be mindful of how many times the topic of conversation changes  The more topics brought up in a conversation, the less listening is going on. Talking a little about many things is not nearly as life-giving as talking at length about one subject.  The “Let's talk about everything” approach hijacks a conversation by using what someone is talking about as a springboard to share one's own related experience. For example, if Monica talks about the great vacation she had visiting the Grand Canyon, and Alyssa jumps in with “I was there too, about seven years ago with my family. The best part for me on that trip was….”  Yeah, that's not good. We've gone from Monica having the floor to Alyssa taking it away from her. To keep the topics of conversation to a minimum, notice if people are asking questions, especially follow-up questions. This tends to keep interactions focused. It's all part of good listening and people refraining from sharing every thought that pops into their heads. Finally, watch for how the conversation ends. Notice how the conversation ends As a conversation begins to wind down, do you end up wanting more, or are you glad to can move on to other things?  Janet and I were at a Bible study recently and during a break in the study, we were in conversation with a friend who brought up a podcast she was listening to from John Eldridge. She was talking about how men and women look at Valentine's Day differently and how Eldridge had a panel of men sharing their views. She was quite interested in the male perspective and how it compared to her own. But then our break ended and we had to return to the Bible study. But I wanted to know more. I think every meaningful conversation ends with some form of “I want to know more.”  Boring conversations, however, often end with, “Thank goodness that's over.” What to do next So there you have it , five things to watch for in your next conversation with friends. When we get good at noticing the things I've mentioned, there are steps we can take to make for more meaningful conversations. Quickly, here they are: Don't bring up something you've talked about many times before because you haven't dealt with the emotions about the issue. Don't be an airplane circling the airport for hours on end. Land the plane. Let the other person speak. Don't be the one who does all the talking. Drop the monologue. Get others engaged. Ask questions. Follow-up questions.  Comment on the feelings connected  with the head issues in your interaction. Talk about the emotion. It will make for a more meaningful conversation. What's on our heart is really important. Don't ignore it. Stick to one issue in a conversation as long as possible. Don't change the subject.  Keep the spotlight on the other person. Let them have the floor. They may need to talk more to process what's on their heart. Stick to one topic. Your turn will come later. Leave people wanting more. Be intriguing to others. Bring up topics or make statements that engage others. Do what you can to make for a meaningful conversation that others don't want to see end. Closing Well that's about it for today. I have links at the bottom of the show notes to past episodes related to today's topic.  I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to watch for the things you can do to create more meaningful conversations with the people close to you. Because when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. As we wrap things up now,  don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 067: Self-Monitoring How We Listen 094: Self-Awareness Deepens Our Relationships 115: Become More Self-Aware in 2021 Latest prior episode 212: Little Things We Do Matter the Most to People All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    212: Little Things We Do Matter the Most to People

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 7, 2024 17:03


    The older I get the more I've come to appreciate how it's the little things we do for people that matter most to them. Little things that come naturally for us because of how God uniquely made us, I've got a few stories for you today to illustrate this point. Stories that I hope will inspire you to bless others in ways that are easy and natural for you. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.  The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Today's episode  If you're a regular around here you may recall that our most recent podcast episode, no. 211, was my “Men With Waffles” story. Click here if you missed  A Men's Breakfast Like No Other. It's the story of how 5 men who each received a waffle maker for Christmas got together one Saturday morning to make waffles for the guys in our adult Sunday School class. As part of the breakfast they each wrote down on a large sheet of newsprint one thing they appreciated about their wife. I took photos of the whole event, including individual shots of each guy holding the paper describing what they wrote about their wife. Then I made a slide presentation of the photos and showed it to our Sunday school class the next morning. The ladies loved it. The photo that evoked the most oohs and ahs was of Allen. It's the one you see at the top of the show notes for today's episode. Little things we say can mean a lot Allen simply wrote, “I appreciate Carol.”  As I described in the episode, he was the quietest man in our church. While he was a man of few of words, each one of them counted. I don't know about you, but I'm drawn to people like this. While our men with waffles breakfast is so vivid in my mind that it seems like a recent event, it actually took place in March of 2011. So much has happened in the lives of the men at that breakfast since then.  Scott and his wife adopted a child. Randy took a new job that moved him to Pittsburgh. Bill completed his Ph.D. and moved first to California, then to Washington State. Brad finished his Ph.D. and took a job in Kansas, and then later moved to South Dakota for a different job.  Gregg retired. Mike also retired and is now caring for his wife who recently suffered a debilitating stroke. But the biggest change of all happened to Allen. Ten years later. The day that changed everything On Sunday, March 7th, 2021 Allen went downstairs to the basement of the home where he and his wife Carol lived, together with their 16-year-old quadriplegic granddaughter Haily who is confined to a wheelchair. It seemed to Carol that Allen had been in the basement doing some little thing for an unusually long time, so she called to him, “Allen?” There was no answer. She called again. Still no answer. So she went downstairs, and there discovered Allen lying on the floor, having suffered a massive fatal heart attack. The funeral was held at our church, and I remember going up to Carol in the lobby. But before I could say anything, she began recounting to the people standing around here what happened to Allen on that fateful day a week or so before. Carol was clearly in a state of shock. What is this going to mean to her and Haily, I thought. Will she be able to care for Haily by herself, given all that Allen did so lovingly to care for and raise their granddaughter? It's what the whole church who knew Allen and Carol were thinking about. We were all in a state of shock. Little things we do tell you a lot about a person's character In the months that followed I periodically thought of Allen. I would remember watching him each Sunday morning pulling into a handicap stall in our church parking lot and sliding Haily out the rear ramp of their handicapped-equipped van.   He would push her in her wheelchair into church so quietly and with such ease. It was a little thing he did that mattered so much to Hailey and Carol.  So often when I saw Allen doing this I thought, That is a man who loves well.  I never heard him complain about the toll on him and Carol in caring for Haily.I should be more like him. I complain way too much. Now I have not heard the story of why Haily's parents were not raising her, but it didn't matter.  Allen and Carol, as her grandparents, have filled in the gap for what is missing in Haily's life. And at a great sacrifice. Fast forward to the breakfast I had with my friend Randy at the end of last year and the waffle he ordered. It reminded me again of Allen and our men with waffles breakfast that I talked about in the last episode. Seeing Randy's waffle prompted me to go back and look at the photos of that little event, especially the one of Allen declaring on a large piece of newsprint that he appreciated his wife, Carol.  I had thought for a long time after Allen died that I should make a copy of that photo and give it to Carol. I had the file for it sitting on the desktop of my computer for at least a year with good intentions to act on my thought. But with pitiful procrastination for actually doing something about it. Until just the other day. A little thing in the mail prompted action I got an email from Walgreens that they were having a sale on photo enlargements. I saw how easy it was to get a print enlargement of a digital photo. So I ordered an 8 x 10 canvas print of Allen wrapped around a 1-inch frame. It's the photo you see at the top of the show notes.  It didn't cost much at all and it was done in 45 minutes. All I had to do was pick it up at the Walgreen's only a few miles away. A few days later I put it in a small gift bag and took it over to Carol and Haily's house. I was a little apprehensive because I thought what if they moved and someone else is living in at the address I had for them? I didn't want to call or email, so I took a chance and drove it over there.  Once I got to the house I recognized the van Allen used to take Haily places, which made my concern evaporate. Nobody's home I rang the front doorbell, but there was no answer, so I went to the side of the house along the driveway looking for another door. At the back of the house I found a door that had a ramp attached to it, which I assumed was where they got Haily into and out of the house. I couldn't get to the door because the ramp was up about 3 feet off the ground, so I placed the gift bag with the photo on the ramp. It seemed safe to leave it there, as there was no rain or snow in the forecast and surely Carol would find it. So I left. But then on the way home, I wondered if she would find it. What if she and Haily were out of town? Maybe I should call or email Carol. I tried both, but there was no answer to my call, and I had the wrong email address. This is nuts, I thought. Just let it go. She'll find it. Move on to the other things you've got going. You never know how the little things we do will bless others The next day I received a message at 1:35 pm through our podcast website from Carol. She gave me permission to share it with you. The subject line read “A Thankful Heart,” and the body of her message reads as follows: Just want to tell you how much you blessed me by such a wonderful act of kindness that the Lord knew I much needed. It has been hard lately, getting older alone and taking care of Hailey alone and trying so hard to be what God would want me to be for such a time as this. I opened it and sat and cried, but they were good tears. Dale called (that's one of her kids) and soon we were both crying - thank you so much for remembering myself and Allen. I miss him more than words could convey, he was such a good man. He is missed each and every day. That wonderful picture will be on my fireplace forever. I was going to call you, but it is hard to talk with the tears that keep coming. It will be 3 years on March 7th, but feels like so long and yet just yesterday. I can't wait to see him again. l pray the Lord bless you both as you have blessed me.~ God bless you, love Carol and Hailey Then a few hours later on my way out the door for an appointment, Carol called to thank me verbally for the print of Allen. She was a little choked up and through her tears told me again how much she appreciated what I did. How neighbors remember Allen Her grief was palpable as she told me several stories from neighbors about the impact Allen had on them. One was from a woman who couldn't get her snowblower started, and when Allen noticed it he offered to fix it. He went and got the needed parts to get it up and running. After he fixed it she offered to pay him, but Allen wouldn't accept any money. Another time Allen noticed a neighbor was having a hard time straightening up a small wall that had fallen in his backyard. “I don't know what I'm doing,” the neighbor said. But Allen did. So he spent the better part of a day helping the man with his problem, and again he wouldn't accept any payment for his troubles.  “I like helping people,” Allen told the neighbor. These two stories are just samples of how Allen blessed others. What were little things to him, these acts of service that came naturally for him, were things that greatly impacted people. Things they were willing to pay for. I mentioned to Carol that the thing that struck me the most in her message to me was when she said he was such a good man. He is missed each and every day. Allen and Joseph, father of Jesus I said that her phrase “he was such a good man” is the way Matthew, the Gospel writer, describes Joseph, the early father of Jesus.  He was a good man too. And Joseph was quiet, also. Just like Allen. He was a behind-the-scenes kind of guy, just like Allen. They were both cut from the same cloth. One of my all-time favorite episodes of this podcast is one I did a few years ago at Christmas, number 135 entitled Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy. It's about Joseph, and now that I know more about Allen, it's about men like him, too.  I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. What I learned This episode about Allen has taught me a few things. Here are some of them: It doesn't take much to bless others. We underestimate the power of little things to make an impact in people's lives. Good intentions don't mean anything unless they result in good actions. There are good men out there like Allen. We just have to be observant to notice and appreciate them We can all be like Allen. Probably not in repairing snowblowers or fixing a fallen wall, but we can use the abilities God has wired into each of us to make the world a better place. Doing good for others, like Allen did, reflects the image and character of God. It doesn't get much better than that. It's a great way to live I'll close with an updated version of the main point of episode 135, it's the one I mentioned about Joseph, the father of Jesus: A good man is hard to find. But they're out there, men like Allen often in the background, not saying much. Their character and behavior tell us more than their words. Look for them. Be like them. Closing As we close up shop for today, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to do something small for someone. Something that comes easily and naturally for you. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Like Allen did. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All The prior and most recent episode 211: A Men's Breakfast Like No Other All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    211: A Men's Breakfast Like No Other

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 17, 2024 15:23


    A men's breakfast can be fun and still have a greater purpose than eating and conversation. When organized with a larger objective in mind it can be a great way to bless people and a means to live out the Gospel. Today's episode is about my Men with Waffles breakfast and the impact it had on others not even in the room. Especially women. Breakfast with a friend  A few weeks ago my friend Randy was in town for the Christmas holiday. We used to go to the same church, but his job change meant a move to Pittsburgh. He and his wife are still closely connected with friends they have back in Wisconsin where I live, and they try to get back here at least once a year to see everyone. Before Randy got to town he texted me and asked if we could meet during his Christmas visit to Wisconsin. It's always an invitation I cannot turn down. So we got together for breakfast one morning. We caught up on each other's lives in ways that seemed like he had never moved away, even though it's been almost 9 years. That's the way it is with good friends you haven't seen in a while. When it came time to order, I chose eggs. Randy ordered a waffle. This unimportant event reminded me of waffles in a more significant context that Randy and I were part of several years ago. I'll you about it. It's my Men with Waffles story. This calls for a men's breakfast It happened during the time I was teaching an adult Sunday school class at our church. Randy and his wife Kathy were part of that class. My story picks up after the class took a break for Christmas one year. We resumed shortly after the new year, and at the beginning of that first class of the year, we chatted about how everyone's Christmas went. It was then we all discovered something unusual.  Five men in our class of about 30-35 received a waffle maker for a Christmas gift. All of the waffle maker recipients were husbands, which to me seemed a high parentage of the class to have received this uncommon Christmas gift. I don't think any of the wives collaborated on these gifts for their husbands.   Although I did hear a rumor of an unmarked white box car parked near the church one day, selling shrimp, pictures of Elvis on black velvet, and … waffle makers. It's just a rumor, so don't quote me on it. Anyway, here we have 5 guys with brand-new waffle makers. It just seemed fitting that we needed to do something to note this out-of-the-ordinary event. So I talked it over with my wife, Janet, and got her okay to host a men's breakfast at our house where the 5 men with their new waffle makers would bring them and make waffles for all the guys in our class. Event planning We set a date for a Saturday morning that most all of the men could attend. Those with the waffle makers were to bring them and all the necessary ingredients to serve everyone.  In addition to waffle batter, guys brought fresh strawberries, whipped cream, sausages, and orange juice. I supplied coffee, plates, and utensils. It was a feast! In planning for this men's breakfast, I wanted to add a little structure to it that went beyond just men with waffles sitting around and talking for a few hours about what men usually talk about when women aren't around. You know, their children, their mother, and what they were making for supper that night. Things like that. So here's what I did. I set up an easel with a flip chart with pages of blank butcher paper about 2½ by 3'  in size.  And before we started the waffle extravaganza, I said to the guys something along the lines of  Sometime this morning, in between eating your waffles, I'd like each of you to come over to this easel, take a marker and write down on the butcher paper one thing you appreciate about your wife. One sheet of paper per guy, then rip off the paper when you're done. When we finish eating we'll go around and each person gets to share what they wrote. With that, the waffle-making commenced. I thought the men who were not making waffles would come over right away to write something on the paper. They didn't. not one. Was this men's breakfast a mistake? “Oh great, I thought. This is surely going to bomb. They just want their waffles and nothing more. What was I thinking? How embarrassing. What a dumb idea.” Well, at least the waffle makers will get a proper inauguration, and everyone will be fed, I thought. I must say, the waffles with all the trimmings were magnificent! My friend Randy was there and he will testify to it. They were far more impressive than the waffle he ordered at our recent breakfast. I made sure to take photos of the whole event. I'd be happy to show them to you after dinner at your house sometime. Wednesdays work best for me, though I'm flexible. The last time I mentioned this one of our listeners actually had Janet and me for a delicious soup supper.  It was on a Saturday evening, so you see I am flexible. Anyway, as we were eating and talking I tried not to think about how no one was going over to the easel to write anything. But then to my relief, the guys did start to trickle over to the easel to do what I asked, like slow drops of water dripping off an icicle on your roof when its 34 degrees outside. What husbands wrote Slowly, one by one they came. Each one writing down one thing they appreciated about their wife, then ripping off the paper and rolling it up to take with them. As we finished eating our waffles (did I mention it was a gastronomic delight?) and then cleaning up the kitchen, we found our way into our living room. With everyone seated, I then asked each guy to show what they wrote. Mike wrote, “I appreciate how Vicki plans fun things and makes everything more fun!” Bill wrote, “I love Rachel's tender lovingkindness” Scott's butcher paper read in big bold letters, “I appreciate how Marci makes me laugh after a stressful day t work.” Dick wrote this about his wife, “I appreciate Kathy for her loving and caring nature.” Gregg's sheet of paper read, “I appreciate Marian's sense of adventure and insights into relationships.” Another Mike in our group wrote, “I appreciate Gail's sense of humor and her ability to make me laugh.” Brad wrote, “I appreciate Elizabeth's steadiness and her reality check.” Randy, our friend who later moved to Pittsburgh, wrote, “I appreciate Kathy's genuine faith and her love for our daughter Molly.” And then I wrote, “I appreciate Janet's sky blue eyes, her wisdom, and her love for our kids and grandchildren. There was one more from Allen, which I will tell you about in a minute. After everyone shared what they appreciated about their wives, guys hung around for a while and then left. The men's breakfast aftermath With everyone gone, I then went through all the photos I took and arranged them in a slide presentation to show the next morning in our Sunday School class so the wives could see what their husbands wrote.  There were photos of making the waffles, candid shots of men sitting around talking, and most importantly, an individual photo of each husband holding up a large piece of paper on which he wrote something he appreciated about his wife. To the photos in the slideshow, I added a soundtrack. A recording of the late Nat King Cole singing “Unforgettable,” with his daughter Natalie Cole dubbed in to accompany him to create a romantic ballad duet. So imagine you're a woman in this class and you see this slide presentation of what these men wrote, accompanied by Natalie Cole and her late father singing “Unforgettable.” So many “oohs” and “ah's.” The loudest of which came at the end when the photo of Allen appeared and what he appreciated about his wife. Allen was a man of few words.  I think it's fair to say he was the quietest man in our church. On his butcher paper he wrote in large bold letters simply, “I appreciate Carol.” He couldn't bring himself to name just one thing he appreciated about his wife, it was Carol in her totality that he appreciated. The ladies loved it. A men's breakfast with a purpose Now you might be thinking why would I do such a thing? I mean what does our men with waffles breakfast have to do with church and studying the bible?  My answer is everything. Everything in the 12th chapter of the Book of Romans, especially verse 10 where the apostle Paul writes, “Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.” Our class had been studying Romans 12 and what we did at our men with waffles breakfast was one way we could honor the wives in our class - to express what we appreciate about them. So how about you? There are so many ways we can honor people. It benefits the other person, certainly. But it also can bring a measure of delight into the person doing the honoring.  It's another way to spread a little relational sunshine around the people we meet. It sparks joy in both them and you. Above all, it reflects the character of God. It's part of God's character to bless us, to affirm us, and we can do the same thing with others. And you don't have to organize a men's breakfast like I did. You can honor someone like Randy did with me by saying, “Hey, you want to get together? I'd like to spend some time with you.”  It's that simple. And it's that profound. Closing As we close up shop for today, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think of a way you can bless and honor someone by telling them what you appreciate about them. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And of course, especially this week, don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior and most recent episode 210: Word of the Year for 2024: Curious All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    210: Word of the Year for 2024 - Curious

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 3, 2024 15:21


    CURIOUS. It's my pick for the 2024 Word of the Year. Curious. It's an important relational skill we need to help us deepen our relationships with others.  Today's episode is about what happens when we're not curious about people, and what we can do about it to strengthen our relational curiosity muscles that will enrich our relationships. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.  The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Missed opportunities when we're not curious about people I'm just about finished reading David Brooks' latest book, How to Know a Person  - The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. He's a columnist for The New York Times and The Atlantic, and also a commentator you see every now on then on the PBS NewsHour. I'm really enjoying his book and gave several copies of it to family members this past Christmas. At some point down the road I'll do a review of the whole book, but for now, I'll mention one paragraph that jumped out at me. The author tells the story of what happened to him at a dinner party when he was engaged in conversation with some interesting people.  Brooks mentioned conversations like this come naturally to him because his job as a journalist involves interviewing people, asking them questions, and otherwise drawing them out. After the party on the way home, he was reflecting on the conversations he had. And while they were certainly fascinating, they left him feeling empty. He commented that here he was asking all kinds of questions of these interesting people, but no one was curious about anything in his life. No one asked him any questions at all. Not one. Nada. Zilch.   He didn't mention it in this context, but Brooks as a columnist for two world-class publications, the author of several best-selling books, and a TV commentator - has lived a fascinating life himself. He's traveled the world in connection with his job and has interviewed several US presidents and rulers of other countries.  Yet no one was curious to ask him any questions.  How sad for Brooks, and even sadder for the people he engaged with at the party.  They missed out. “I'm curious about them, but they're not with me” Shortly after I read this section in Brooks' book, one of my grandsons shared a similar story. A few months ago he started his first job out of college in a position he really loves. Plus, he is enjoying getting to know the people he works with. He is much younger than any of his colleagues, but they have taken him under their wings. Two  women in particular go walking together on their lunch hour and they invited my grandson to join them. He describes his relationship with these ladies like this: “I don't think they realize how much younger I am than them [he's 21]. They're probably in their late 30s or early 40s and have been doing the same job I'm doing for a dozen years or so. They're both moms with young kids in school. And they tell me about all the drama that goes on in their families with their kids. They're fun people and I enjoy the time we walk together. “But they don't know one thing about me. They never ask me anything about my life.” My grandson is a genuinely curious person. He's always asking me questions about what's going on in my life, and I can easily picture him asking his colleagues about theirs. He's quite an engaging person so I can see why they invited him on their walks. These are good people he works with, but they're missing out on learning how a person so different from themselves experiences the world. “I've even killed people” Then there's my friend Dick at our church. We're a small group, about 25 of us. As part of our Sunday morning service, after the sermon we discuss what the preacher talked about. The discussions are often lively and quite interesting as people share their experiences as they relate to the sermon. One Sunday not too long ago, the post-sermon discussion centered on the grace of God. Our little congregation has varying levels of understanding about this topic, based on what people experienced in other churches they've attended in the past. Near the end of this particular discussion, my friend Dick chimed in. He's in frail health, walks with a cane, and has breathing and balance difficulties. He comes to church with a caregiver who looks after him. When he arrives a couple of the women in our group always give him a big hug. His smile lights up the room when they do. Anyway, in a moment of vulnerability here's what Dick said in our discussion: “I'm 94 years old and all the things people have just shared are things I've been through myself, and more. But no one ever asks me about them. I mean, I've even killed people.” It was a sad moment. A sad moment for our church because Dick has wisdom and experience to share if only people were curious enough to ask. Just saying this reminds me I need to act on my curiosity and engage with Dick more. I'm certainly interested in his perspective on the spiritual issues we talk about on Sunday morning, but I'm also curious about his personal life. He grew up during the Depression of the 1930s and I wonder what that was like for him. Oh, and then there's that small matter of his comment, “I've even killed people.” A different kind of law professor I'll leave you with one last story about being curious. It's a positive one about  another grandson of mine. Our family was together on Christmas Day and we were catching up on each other's lives. My grandson George had just completed his first semester of law school and we were asking him how it went. He talked about each of his courses and the professors who taught them. One of his professors in particular impressed me. George explained him like this: “He memorized every one of our names, and there were 75 of us in the class. He taught two other classes and he did the same thing for those, too.  “Then he had each of us come to his office individually over the course of the semester for a short meeting. He said he just wanted to get to know us better. He asked us about our personal lives, our interests, things like that.  “And we got to ask him questions, too. I asked him how he got interested in law in the first place. Then I found out he had a couple of young children, and he told me about his wife, her love of plants, and that he was a big Green Bay Packers fan. No other professor does this. He's ranked #2 of all the law school professors on that student-rated website.” I'm really happy George has someone like this in his life, and I hope he gets this same professor again for another class. Not just because he was curious enough to find out more about George as a person, but also because he modeled for him what a relationally intelligent person does. They are curious about the lives of people they interact with. But if I'm curious and ask people questions won't they think I'm being nosy? I'll let David Brooks answer this question from his book I mentioned earlier, How to Know a Person. In his chapter entitled “The Right Questions” he writes, “While doing research for this book, I interviewed many people - seminar leaders, conversation facilitators, psychologists and focus group moderators, biographers and journalists - whose job is to ask people about their lives. I asked these experts how often somebody looks back at them and says,   ‘None of your d- - - business.' Every expert I consulted had basically the same answer:  ‘Almost never.'” The author goes on to say, “A 2012 study by Harvard neuroscientists found that people often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money.”  Let that thought sink in for a moment. People often took more pleasure from sharing information about themselves than from receiving money. Brooks concludes with “Over the course of my career as a journalist I, too, have found that if you respectfully ask people about themselves, they will answer with candor that takes your breath away.  “Studs Terkel was a journalist who collected oral histories over his long career in Chicago. He'd ask people big questions and then sit back and let their answers unfold. ‘Listen, listen, listen, listen, and if you do, people will talk,' he once observed. ‘They always talk. Why? Because no one has ever listened to them before in all their lives. Perhaps they've not ever listened to themselves.' “Each person is a mystery. And when you are surrounded by mysteries, as the saying goes, it's best to live life in the form of a question.” What a beautiful way of describing such a profound observation about the human condition. It takes my breath away. So what about you? How curious are you about the people in your life, and do you act on that curiosity? For me, I know now that I need to act on my curiosity about Dick, my 94-year-old-friend from church. I've got to find out where his “I've killed people” comment comes from. Not just for my benefit, but for his. There's a story locked up within him somewhere that needs to get out to see the light of day. Imagine what the world would be like if we were all a little more curious about each other. I'm convinced we'd all live deeper and richer lives. So there you have it for the word of the year for 2024. Curious. I'll be coming back to this word and relational skill in future episodes this year. For now, though, at the bottom of the show notes I've listed links to past episodes that touch up the topic of curiosity that you might want to check out. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to become more curious about the people around you, and then to act on that curiosity. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People 073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism? The most recent episodes 209: The Christmas Story in 2023 208: Christmas - A Time to Reflect All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world.  You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    209: The Christmas Story In 2023

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 25, 2023 4:09


    When you get right down to it, the only thing that really matters in the Christmas story in 2023 is Jesus. No Santa, gifts, or Bing Crosby. Just Jesus. Here's the original story as recorded in Luke's Gospel, just as it happened. I am reading from The Message, by Eugene Peterson. Luke 2: 1-20 The Birth of Jesus  About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire. This was the first census when Quirinius was governor of Syria. Everyone had to travel to his own ancestral hometown to be accounted for. So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah, David's town, for the census. As a descendant of David, he had to go there. He went with Mary, his fiancée, who was pregnant.  While they were there, the time came for her to give birth. She gave birth to a son, her firstborn. She wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in a manger, because there was no room in the hostel.  An Event for Everyone  There were shepherds camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God's angel stood among them and God's glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, “Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David's town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you're to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.”  At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God's praises:  Glory to God in the heavenly heights, Peace to all men and women on earth who please him.  As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the shepherds talked it over. “Let's get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us.” They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the shepherds were impressed.  Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. The shepherds returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they'd been told! ____________ Merry Christmas 2023, everyone. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 208: Christmas - A Time to Reflect     207: How to Help the People We Love at Christmas Blog post: The Joy of Christmas Past Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    208: Christmas - A Time to Reflect

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 20, 2023 14:42


    There are many cultural dimensions to all that is Christmas. Pick your favorite. I have a few that I look forward to every year. But as I get older, I'm seeing Christmas more as a great time to reflect on my relationship with Jesus. In Luke's gospel, for example, I'm especially drawn to the mother of Jesus, Mary, and how she reflects upon the birth of her son and all that it means to her, both in the present and the future. There are things we can learn from Mary as she takes time to reflect on this most important event in all of history.  Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. To set the scene for when Mary took time to reflect on all that happened at the first Christmas, I'll read a few verses from Luke's gospel that tell the story. They're the ones that occur right after Mary gave birth to Jesus. An angel of the Lord had just appeared to a group of shepherds who were on the job out in the fields tending to their sheep. God's glory surrounded all of them, having appeared out of nowhere. Quite naturally the shepherds were terrified for they had never seen anything like this.  But the angel, a messenger from God, reassured them and told them there's nothing to be afraid of because he was there to simply announce that Jesus. the savior, the Messiah the Lord. had been born in Bethlehem. Other angels then appear filling the sky and praising God. What a majestic sight that must have been. After the angels leave We'll pick up the story in chapter 2 of Luke's Gospel, verse 15. Luke writes: When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.  It's this last line that has captained me lately, But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Two important actions going on There are two important verbs in the sentence I just read, “treasured” and “pondered.” at least that's how the New International translation renders them.  Other translations use the phrase “Mary kept all these things in  her heart” rather than “treasure.” For the verb “Pondered,” other translations use “thought about them often.” But the translation I like best is the New International Bible Reader's Version  which translates Luke 2:19 like this, But Mary kept all these things like a secret treasure in her heart. She thought about them over and over.  What are the “these things” of Christmas Regardless of how you translate the two verbs in this verse, the noun phrase that is the object of the first sentence in the verse is always translated the same, “these things.” But what are the things Mary was keeping, or treasuring, and pondering or thinking about over and over? It's one of the beautiful mysteries of the Christmas story that's worth taking the time to reflect upon. I imagine Mary obviously reflecting upon what the shepherds told her about the angel of the Lord appearing to them and how terrifying it was. But how their fear turned to joy when the angel told them not to be afraid because  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. What a comforting independent confirmation that what the angel Gabriel told Mary when he visited her 9 months earlier was actually true! This truth alone is like a treasure worth appreciating over and over again. What Gabriel told her wasn't something she just imagined. The sky was full of angels confirming this was all true. But there are a few other less obvious “these things” The “all these things” phrase Luke uses in describing Mary's response to what is happening, implies different layers to what Mary is experiencing.  One layer I imagine is Mary taking time to reflect upon her relationship with her elderly relative Elizabeth.  Imagine these two improbable pregnancies.  One to someone too old to bear a child, and the other to a virgin. This was certainly something to treasure and think about often.  It would naturally draw Mary to God and his amazing ways in accomplishing his purposes. Author Anne Lamont would describe this layer to the Christmas story, in the most reverent of tones, as “God showing off.”  It's one of her favorite expressions. It makes me wonder about the improbable things God has done in your life. What things has he done for you that's worthy of treasuring? Joseph And then there's Mary's husband Joseph. Another layer to the Christmas story. I imagine Mary sitting there in the cave with the baby Jesus looking at Joseph and treasuring her relationship with him. I picture her taking time to reflect on where they've come from in their time together. We don't know how old Joseph was, but we're pretty sure Mary was probably 14 or 15 years old. Maybe they went to high school together. They were both from the small backwater town of Nazareth, which had a lot going against it in terms of its reputation. Remember one of Jesus' disciples remarking, “can anything good come out of Nazareth?” While I imagine Mary was the subject of a lot of gossip surrounding her pre-marital pregnancy, she had to know Joseph dealt with the same thing. There was a cost to his reputation and standing in the community, too. Yet he stood by her and believed what Mary and the angel Gabriel told him - as implausible as it was. What woman wouldn't want a husband like this? Scripture doesn't have a lot to say about Joseph, except that he was described as a “good man.” I did an earlier episode about him, episode no 135, “Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy.”  I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes in case you're interested. It's one of my favorite Christmas episodes. "All these men around my baby" Another layer to what Mary treasured and took time to reflect upon could very well have been the place of the shepherds in the birth of Jesus. If I were Mary, I'd wonder why all these men were here to see my baby. Birthing is typically a female kind of thing, but here are all these guys - Joseph and the shepherds. There's not another lady to be found in the whole story. What gives with that? Why are the shepherds even part of the Christmas story? Why couldn't the angels appear to Mary and Joseph directly? The answer to this question is another example of God showing off, in the best sense of the word. You see these shepherds were not the ordinary run-of-the-mill shepherd.  They were actually temple priests who cared for a special flock of sheep used for the Passover celebration and other temple festivals where ceremonial sheep were sacrificed.  Each of these sheep were without any blemish or defect. They were as perfect as any sheep could be. Their one and only purpose was to one day be a perfect sacrifice. These perfect sheep were what the priestly shepherds were watching over the night the angels appeared to them. The shepherds knew that one day they would be out of a job when the Messiah, the savior , the son of God would come to earth. They knew he would be the once and for all perfect sacrifice for all mankind. No more sheep. A one and done sacrifice. So no wonder they were excited when the angel appears to them out in their fields around Bethlehem to announce the birth of Jesus. “For there is born to you today, in David's city, a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:11 Time to reflect on the future Mary knew all this, too. The role of these temple shepherds was well-known, So I'm sure Mary would be reflecting upon the similarity between what they cared for, and what she would be caring for. Jesus is described in several places as the “lamb of God.” His once and for all sacrifice would replace the system these shepherds were part of. Imagine what it must have been like for Mary, as a teenager knowing that in 33 years the baby you just gave birth to would be offered up by God as a sacrifice to redeem all of mankind. So what does all this mean for YOU?  There was certainly no shortage of things for Mary to think about there besides her newborn baby. Lot's of things to treasure and many things to reflect on, mull over, and ponder over and over again. But what about you?  What about the role of Jesus in your life do you treasure? What are the layers of your relationships with him, that you think about from time to time? I encourage you to take time to reflect upon this.  You know this, I'm sure, but considering questions like these is so much more fulfilling than the other questions we usually ask at Christmas. Closing In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to do what Mary did, to take time to reflect on your relationship with Jesus. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. The next time you hear my voice will be on Christmas Day when I read the entire Christmas story from Luke's Gospel. It's only 20 verses. In the meantime don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 207: How to Help the People We Love At Christmas 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy Last week's blog post: The Joy of Christmas Past All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider donating to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.  

    207: How to Help the People We Love At Christmas

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 6, 2023 16:33


    In the 1947 classic Christmas film It's a Wonderful Life!, George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, goes through a tough time during Christmas in dealing with two serious financial problems caused by someone else. This most beloved and joyful man in all of Bedford Falls is overcome with depression, anger, hopelessness, and despair. In the midst of all this, George's wife, Mary, steps in and shows us how to help the people we love when they are in a dark place, especially at Christmas  It's what today's episode is all about. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Christmas is all about relationships Of all the times of the year to find joy in our relationships, can there be a better time than Christmas?  Christmas only exists because Jesus wants a relationship with us, and he came to earth to make that really clear to us. There's certainly joy in this relationship, and also in our relationships with friends and family. But sometimes things get in the way of experiencing the kind of relationship God designed for us with the people we love.  We see this so vividly in what I think is the greatest Christmas movie ever made, It's a Wonderful Life!  The film is overflowing with many different kinds of relationship struggles. But in the end, it leaves you feeling good about being alive in community with other people.   I like this movie so much that I did an entire podcast on seven relationship lessons we learn from It's a Wonderful Life!  It's episode 045 and I'll have a link to it at the bottom of today's show notes. It's a Wonderful Life! in a nutshell If it's been a while since you saw the film, or if you've never seen It's a Wonderful Life!, here's a brief summary of the plot: The main character, George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, grew up in a small town by the name of Bedford Falls prior to WWII. From the time he was young, George was a very popular, engaging person, well-liked by everyone.  Small-town life was not for him, however. He talked often about his dream of traveling to far-away places where he would work as an engineer to build big things, like skyscrapers and bridges.   George grew up in a loving family where his father and uncle ran the Bailey Brothers Building & Loan, a business in competition with the bank in town owned by the antagonist in the movie, Henry Potter. “Old man Potter” as he was called. At one point George's father, Peter Bailey, died suddenly and George took over the Building & Loan. The plan was that once George's brother Harry graduated from college, he would take over the Building & Loan, so George could leave Bedford Falls to pursue an education and his dreams. But things didn't turn out as planned. Harry returns from college, not just with a diploma, but also with a wife and a job out of town with his father-in-law.  All this leaves George with the responsibility of running the Building & Loan, causing him to feel all the more trapped, which is a major theme of the movie. Money set aside for a honeymoon George ends up getting married to a woman named Mary. On their wedding day and on their way out of town for their honeymoon, there's a run on the bank. This was not unusual during the Depression of the 1930s, which is when the movie takes place.  Everyone wanted to withdraw their savings in cash, but there's not enough money to pay out the withdrawals.  Mary sees what's going on and turns over to George all the wedding money and savings she and George have saved for their honeymoon. George then uses it to pay out the cash withdrawals. This is the first example we see from Mary of how to help the people we love when they are going through a rough time. How many women do you know would sacrifice their once-in-a-lifetime romantic vacation to help her husband solve a problem at work?  Not many.  Most women would say something along the lines of, “This is our wedding day and we're leaving for our honeymoon. Let your co-workers deal with the problem. They'll understand. Aren't I more important than your job, your business? But that's not Mary. She sacrifices her desires and her resources to help the person she loves. Sometimes to help the people we love we have to set aside our dreams. And sometimes to help the people we love will cost us financially. Investing in relationships This run on the bank that George and Mary are dealing with is an interesting metaphor for relationships. Just as deposits we make with our money into financial institutions, we also make “deposits” in our relationships. George Bailey had certainly done that with the relationships he developed and fostered in Bedford Falls. The movie shows how he invested in people, and the things he did to help people who needed help. Watch for it the next time you see the movie. I'll comment more on this in a few minutes. But I wonder about you and me. To what extent are we investing in relationships, where we pour ourselves into being there for other people?  Will we have enough in our relationship account that there will be something to withdraw when we need help? Another problem at work After the problem with the run on the bank is solved. Another work-related problem arises like the whack-a-mole game you play at the fair. On Christmas Eve Uncle Billy misplaces $8,000 worth of deposits right as a bank examiner shows up for an audit. In today's dollars adjusted for inflation, this would amount to about $110,000.   If the money isn't found, it will mean bankruptcy, scandal, and jail time for George. He's beside himself with fear, and it brings out the worst in him. The rest of the film shows how George goes about dealing with this problem, and how others deal with George. If ever there was a movie about relationships, this would be it. For example, at one point in the film George tries to help Uncle Billy remember where he left the money. But he gets impatient, roughs up Uncle Billy, and calls him “a silly old fool.”   George then comes home in his irritated, fearful state and yells at his kids. He makes one of them cry, in fact. At which point Mary steps in to protect her children. She positions herself in front of the kids and confronts George very sternly with “George, why must you torture the children? Why don't you…” A change in behavior Before this scene, Mary observed this marked change in behavior in her husband and asked him “What's wrong?”  George doesn't answer, in part because I think he's trying to protect his wife from work problems, and in part because he's confused by his own anger and rage. Mary is puzzled by George because it's not like him to be so angry. But she doesn't give up on George when he doesn't answer her “what's wrong?” question.  She reflects in her mind what might be the problem. George didn't go to work that morning angry at the world, so it's logical to consider that maybe something happened at work to set him off. George isn't any help in figuring out the problem, so Mary logically and wisely calls someone who works with George to see if he might know.  It's one thing you can do to help someone you love. She picks up the phone and asks the operator to call Bedford 247. And guess who answers?  Uncle Billy. Now we don't hear what Mary says to Uncle Billy. But by the end of the movie we find out. George gets help for dealing with his problem After George walks out the door after yelling at his kids we see him encounter Clarence Oddbody AS2 (Angel 2nd class). He's sent by God to help George put his problem in perspective and to realize the impact he's had on people. It's interesting that God doesn't send Clarence the angel to solve George's problem, but rather that despite his problems it truly is a wonderful life that George has been living.   God still works like that today. Often not solving our problems, but always putting them in perspective in light of eternity and God's purposes for our life. Bold action to help the people we love  Getting back to Mary and her phone call to Uncle Billy. After George's encounter with Clarence Oddbody, Angel second class, he returns home a new man. Oh so grateful to be alive and even at peace with the potential consequences of the misplaced $8,000 of deposits. It's here we see what Mary and Uncle Billy talked about in their phone call. She now tells George, “It's a miracle, George! It's a miracle!” Then Uncle Billy walks through their front door with a large wicker laundry basket, sets it on a folding table, and tells George one of the key lines in the movie in an excited tone. “Mary did it, George! Mary did it! She scoured all over town telling people you were in trouble…” With that, crowds of people come pouring through the front door with cash to put in the basket. What a bold action on Mary's part. Sometimes to help the people we love we have to step out of our comfort zone and ask other people to help us care for the one we love. Sometimes we have to make withdrawals from our relational bank account. It's just how it works. What we've learned from Mary in It's a Wonderful Life! Mary shows us that we can help the people we love who are going through difficult times by first observing any change in behavior. What's different about them now, and when did the change happen? Often knowing when will give us further clues to help those we love. We also learn from Mary how it's important to reflect upon what might be causing the distress in the people we love. Be direct and ask them. They may not know themselves, but don't give up. Probe further.  Take action as Mary did. Ask other people who may be in a position to know what the root of the problem is in the angst our loved one is experiencing. Call someone. Don't text.  And then when you finally understand the heart of the problem. Take more action. Evaluate what you can do to help, and what you need from other people. Finally, we learn from Mary that helping the people we love going through a really bad season is done behind the scenes. I love behind-the-scenes-people. They have no hidden agenda and they want to bring out the best in people. It's never about them So what does all this mean for YOU?  How can you use what you've heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life?  Make it a goal to be a better observer of the important people in your life. Notice any changes in behavior. Then reflect upon what might possibly be causing those changes. Finally, take action. Do something that tries to help. And like Mary in the movie, do all this behind the scenes. Be a behind-the-scenes person.  It's pretty fulfilling helping the people we love this way. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to consider how you can help the people you love this Christmas - behind the scenes. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. As we close up shop, please don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them, kind of like Mary did and all the people of Bedford Falls. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 045: Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made 021: The Most Important Relationship of All A prior and most recent episode 206: Thankful for the Stories of Others All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also contribute by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    206: Thankful for the Stories of Others

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 15, 2023 12:36


    The Thanksgiving holiday will soon be upon us here in the US, so I've been reflecting on what I'm thankful for. And this year I'm thinking about things that goes beyond my family and good health. In considering this, I've come to realize that I'm especially thankful for the stories of others.  That's because I've found that the stories of what other people have experienced often lift me out of myself. Listening to what others have been through, both good and bad, and how those experiences shaped them into the person they are today, have a way of neutralizing the difficulties and concerns I'm experiencing. I've got a story for you today that illustrates this principle. A story that happened to me. I hope as you listen to it you too will be encouraged to listen to the stories of others and experience the benefits in doing so.  But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.  Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Thankful for this story that didn't start well My story starts on a late Friday afternoon at the end of the work week. I was still active full-time in my business, but this particular weekend Janet and I were headed to a missionary care conference in Gull Lake, Michigan.  When I got home from the office that day I hurriedly loaded up the car with our luggage, anxious to get on the road for the 4½ hour drive to the conference. Getting there required driving through Chicago during rush hour. Lots of bumper-to-bumper and stop-and-go traffic through the city's congested highways. It was nerve-wracking. We finally reached the conference grounds late at night, registered, and got our room key. As I began unloading the car with the clothes we packed I realized I had left half of them at home.  Oh great, I thought. We're going to have to wear the same clothes for the entire weekend.  Couple that with the late hour, and the nerve-wracking drive through Chicago, my irritability score was off the charts.  It didn't get any better the next morning as I didn't get much sleep that night. Lack of sleep. The long drive through Chicago traffic. No change of clothes all contributed to my over-the-moon crabbiness. A not-so-thankful-start to the day The first scheduled event for Saturday morning was breakfast in the dining hall of the conference center. Janet and I grabbed a tray and made it through the line with our breakfast selections and then looked for a place to sit. I was still feeling so irritable that I didn't was to sit with anyone else attending the conference. It wouldn't be fair to them to sit with someone as crabby as I was that morning. So we spotted a few empty tables in the far reaches of the room and headed there to spend a quiet breakfast away from anyone. It wasn't long though, before I spotted an older man slowly heading toward us with his tray of food. “Oh no. Please no,” I thought. He's going to sit with us and we're going to have to eat breakfast together. And we're going to have to talk with him. Yikes!  There was no getting around it. There was no place to hide. We were stuck. Thankful for an unusual breakfast companion The elderly man sat down with his tray across the table from me. We exchanged pleasantries, commented on the weather, and then he asked us where we were from. I told him and then following his lead I asked, “How about you? Where are you from?” “I came here from Detroit,” but I was a pastor in Canada for many years. I'm retired now,” he replied. Hmm, I thought. His answer surprised me a bit because in our brief conversation so far I detected an accent in his speech. He sounded European and not like any Canadian I had ever known. We made more small talk and then I asked him, “You seem to have an accent, European I'm guessing. Were you born there?” “Oh, yes,” he said. I was born in Holland and lived there until I was 19 before I moved to Canada,” he replied. Hmm, I thought again. I'm guessing our new breakfast companion was probably in his early 80s, which turned on my mental calculator and prompted me to ask another question based on his age and my knowledge of history.   Thankful that one question often leads to another “Were you by any chance living in Holland during World War II? I asked. His eyes lit up, and with a smile, he responded with a simple but spirited, “Yes!” I continued with, “And were you still living there when Germany invaded and took over your country?” “I was,” he said. By this time in our conversation I suddenly realized I'm talking with someone who was an eyewitness to one of the most significant and awful events of the 20th century. I didn't see it in myself at the time, but my mood took a drastic turn for the better. My irritability escaped from my being like a mouse who flees when he sees a cat in the room.  It happened that quickly. “What was that like for you, to be living during the occupation?” “The Nazi soldiers were everywhere, patrolling the streets with their rifles slung over their shoulders. It was a very scary and difficult time for all of us.” “Why did you leave Holland when you were 19?” I asked after he finished talking about his wartime experience.” Thankful for the humor found in the stories of others “Oh that's a funny story,” he said, again with a smile on his face. “The Dutch government was concerned about over-population and that the country couldn't handle the increase in population growth they anticipated. So they offered anyone who would move away a sum of money that was equivalent to about $5,000. After the war in 1945-46, that was a large amount of money. So being 19-years-old and looking for adventure, I grabbed the money and moved to Canada. “As it turned out, the population of Holland grew much larger anyway and there hasn't been any problem with the country keeping up with that growth.” “Why did you move to Canada,” I asked. “Why not the U.S.?” “Oh, that was an easy decision,” our elderly Dutchman replied. “When the Allied forces liberated us after the war in 1945, the Canadian soldiers were much friendlier than the Americans. So that's why I moved to Canada.” We all got a good laugh over this part of his story. With that, we finished breakfast and moved to the first session of the conference. I was now completely rejuvenated and thankful for the story of this Dutchman. I don't recall seeing him again the rest of the weekend, but this relational moment we had together over breakfast has stayed with me for many years since. It makes me smile whenever I think of him. Thankful for what we learn from the stories of others My interaction with this World War II-era Dutchman taught me a number of things: All problems are temporary. Even leaving half your clothes at home for a weekend trip Our moods are temporary, too. A good conversation can be a mood-altering experience Asking a simple question to start a conversation is quite powerful Asking a follow-up question is even more powerful. It's the engine that keeps the conversation train rolling down the tracks Being curious about other people has been a source of joy in my life. It's the basis for being a good listener, and a means to deepen relationships.  I'm so thankful I majored in history in college and that I still enjoy it. Having a background in history has enriched my life. So what does all this mean for YOU?  The next time you're in a bad mood, use your curiosity muscles to listen to someone share one of their life experiences. By drawing them out with follow-up questions it will help lift you out of yourself. It's amazing how that works. Give it a try. Closing In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to be curious about other people and to be thankful for their stories. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today.  Now don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll connect with you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 185: Thankful for Curious People 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People 165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them The prior and most recent episode   205: How to Have a Meaningful Conversation All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    205: How to Have a Meaningful Conversation

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 1, 2023 13:14


    To deepen our current relationships, or to develop new ones, it's helpful to ask ourselves an important question. Namely, “How do I have a meaningful conversation with someone?” Today's episode will give you a few ideas to help you answer this question. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. A meaningful conversation with my barber One way to find this joy God designed for us is to consider how we can have meaningful conversations with people. “Meaningful” doesn't necessarily have to mean “deep.” If you listened to the episode prior to this one, #204, you may recall the woman on the NextDoor app who posted that she wanted to have 40 “deep conversations” before she turned 40. As it turns out she was really looking for 40 people to sign up for her life coaching business.  I heard from some of you that you were angry with the woman for misleading people like this. Now I'm going to save deep conversations for another time, and I have no life coaching advice for anyone. Well, except for one thing. Grown men over 60 should tuck their shirts in when out in public. It will keep your mom happy, if she's still alive. It will honor her legacy if she's no longer with us. That's the extent of my life coaching advice for today. As for meaningful conversations, they don't have to be deep in order to derive a measure of joy from them. And you don't always have to create them, because sometimes they just come to you like a stray dog or cat who appears on your doorstep and welcomes themself in. For example, several years ago I was sitting in the chair in a barber shop when my barber, Paul, asked me what I was going to do the rest of the day when I was done with my haircut. “Stain my deck this afternoon,” I said. “I've been putting it off because I don't like being on my knees putting the stain on with a paintbrush. But the job needs to be done.” The most meaningful conversation I had that day Paul then said, “You know they make special brushes for putting down stain on decks. They're about 6 inches wide and an inch and a half thick. You screw any standard-size pole, like you use for a broom, into a hole in the brush. This allows you to dip the brush into the pail of stain and put it down on the wood without ever bending down or kneeling. Most hardware stores carry this kind of brush.” After my haircut I went straight to a nearby hardware store, bought the kind of brush Paul described, and started staining my deck just as Paul described. What was once a burdensome task now became something quite easy. All because of this meaningful conversation while sitting in a barber's chair. The meaning in my conversation with Paul is that he shared something that made my life better. He shared the knowledge and experience he had to ease a difficulty in my life. It wasn't a deep conversation by any means, but it brought me joy in knowing how to complete a task in a new and less painful way. It really lifted my spirits.  To have this meaningful conversation with Paul all I did was engage in small talk and share what was on my mind. When you do the same thing with a good listener, there's the possibility are you'll get into a meaningful conversation, too. Dinner party Another meaningful conversation happened just recently when Janet and I were invited to dinner at  the home of one of our couple friends. Another  husband and wife who moved away many years ago were in town and they were invited, too. The six of us have been friends for decades. As the six of us were eating, the subject came up of the first house each of us lived in and the memories we had of those homes. It was interesting to hear each person recall what was memorable for them. One memory shared in this conversation that stood out for me was one shared by the hostess, who I will call “Sarah.”  It's not her real name, but she'd be embarrassed to no end if I told you who she really was, so I'll just call her Sarah. A visit from Dad Anyway, Sarah shared a memory of her and her husband's first house, that in all the many years I have known them I had never heard before. She said a favorite memory was how her dad on occasion would come and visit her on his day off. He was a mail carrier is a town about 75 miles away.  “He would drive all that way and then sit in our living room and read the newspaper. It's a favorite memory of mine, being in the same small living room with him while he read the paper.” Sarah was a young mom at the time with two small children when her father would come and spend the day with her. The smile and look on her face told me this was something special. I had heard stories about her father before, of the kind man he was. Sarah's husband spoke fondly of him, too.  On the days he would visit he came alone. Sarah's mother stayed home. To me, it seemed fitting that way, as her relationship with her mother was, well, very different from her relationship with her dad. A meaningful conversation without words Even though no one else said much as she shared her story, I found it to be a meaningful conversation among the six of us. Sarah, as long as I've known her, has been one of the kindest, most loving and gentle people I've known. I learned this night when she shared her story where she got these qualities. She got them from her dad.  Her dad's legacy lives on through Sarah. She places a high value on relationships as he did, and she is kind and gentle, too. I mean, who would spend their day off from work to drive 150 miles and 2½ hours round trip to just be with his daughter? Not to do anything special, just to sit in her living room reading the newspaper. I found both sadness and joy in this meaningful conversation. Sadness that Sarah's mother related to her so differently. Sadness in knowing that her dad died quite young. I think he was only 54. I found joy in knowing this memory of Sarah's father and how the way he spent his day off still has a special place in her heart.  There was also the Joy in seeing her dad in Sarah. Their shared qualities of kindness and gentleness. And Joy in knowing an example of how a father can love his adult daughter.  I want to be remembered by my daughter and son like this after I'm gone.  What makes a conversation meaningful? I like to think a meaningful conversation is one where there is an exchange of meaning. And it doesn't necessarily have to involve words. The conversation with my barber about the deck stain brush certainly involved words. He shared his knowledge and experience that was meaningful to me. It was a solution to a problem I had, which I appreciated. Now, you and I have been in conversations filled with lots of words, many words, but without any meaning being exchanged. You know what I'm talking about. When people fill the air with their own voice, where they talk just to talk, devoid of anything meaningful to you. They give you information or opinions you didn't ask for that mean nothing to you. You are not asked any questions in a conversation like this. It's more a monologue than a conversation.  This wasn't the case at all with Sarah sharing a favorite memory from the first house. There were few words, but lots of meaning was exchanged because we listened. Listening based on what we all remembered about Sarah's background. Listening by observing her facial expression. And then listening by entering into Sarah's story as we imagined what it must have been like for her, and for her dad, and his occasional visits to her home.  Sarah shared her memory with only a few words, yet it was filled to the brim with meaning.  Words not needed If Sarah had used words to convey the meaning of her conversation it would have gone something like, “My dad thought I was important enough to use his day off from work to come and spend time time with me. Even if it was to just sit in our living room reading the newspaper. That was enough for both of us. It was all we needed, to be together like that. This was a favorite memory of mine from the first house owned.” Yeah, something like these words would have described it. But we didn't need the words. We saw it and more in her face. The meaning I came away with from this meaningful conversation was joy for Sarah. Joy that she had such a loving relationship with her dad. It reminded me of that Walt Whitman quote I love,  “We were together, I forgot the rest.” So what about YOU?  I wonder what meaningful conversations you've had lately. What have you done to make them meaningful? What exchange of meaning has taken place between you and another person? And I especially wonder what meaningful conversations presented themselves to you, like the sun peeking around the edge of grey clouds after a sprinkle of rain? I'd love to hear about any conversations like this. Closing And speaking of the sun peeking out from clouds, as we close up shop for today, don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Prior and most recent episode    204: Deep Conversations All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry.  Donate Please consider making a donation to help cover the costs associated with this podcast and the other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make a tax-deductible contribution to Caring for Others when you click here.  You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page. Thank you.

    204: Deep Conversations

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 18, 2023 18:27


    Do you ever long for a deep conversation with someone? Today's episode is about a creative measure someone took to make that happen. It reveals what many of us long for, and how we can make the world a better place, one conversation at a time. As with every episode, our purpose in this podcast is to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. The Next Door app I'll start by telling you something interesting I found the other day on the social media app, “Next Door.”  It's a bit like Facebook but for neighborhoods. You sign up to get posts from people living in your neighborhood, and it's usually people asking for recommendations. Things like, “I need a plumber,” or “I'm new in town and am looking for a good dentist, who would you recommend.” Things like this.  Last summer, for example, I found a high school student through this app willing to pull weeds from our flower beds, so it's great for items like this. But you'll also find annoying things like a recent post that read “Why is the Taco Bell on Moreland Rd closed all of a sudden.” That's not so bad, but it generated a long thread of comments about how horrible Taco Bell is, followed by a string of Taco Bell fans praising the place. Followed yet by another string of “Why are people so lazy they can't make their own tacos at home? What's wrong with you people?”  I think you get the picture. It's why I delete the app, but then months later sign up for it again. An unusual request Anyway, the most unusual post I've seen in a long time came from an attractive woman by the name of Nicole who posted her picture with the following: I turn 40 in roughly 4 months. To celebrate, I'm challenging myself to have deep conversations with 40 different individuals. What's in it for you? Maybe some clarity in an area you're questioning or better sense of your purpose or even just someone to listen to you unload. What's in it for me? I get to connect with YOU. Simple as that. I want to close out my 30s by connecting with as many people as possible. And if we already know each other, let's do this anyway! Message me if you're up to help me with this challenge. Summary of the Responses The last time I checked 99 people responded to Nicole. Here's a summary of those responses: Slightly more women responded than men No one said “no” or anything negative. Everyone either said “yes” in one form or another, “Happy Birthday” and nothing more, or they had a question 9 people commented something along the lines of “Oh, you're so beautiful.” One person said she looked like Julia Roberts. None of these 9 agreed to a deep conversation Nicole is looking for. 2 people wanted to know more Selected responses I found interesting Jim: Wish I were 40 yrs. younger Nicole: ha! Flattered, but I'm married! Guy: Hello Nicole! I'm Game!! But I'm a talker…You better be ready!!! Joseph: The years have been very kind to you! What are some of your interests? Anna: I would love to do this. I am 78 years old. This could be very interesting. And maybe loving & caring. I could use more contact w/ good people. How do I get on board? Melody: Please be safe meeting all those people Emily: I'm in. Always great to meet new friends. Happy early birthday  Mark: Hello Nicole, what a way to start and meet new friends. I would like to connect and have some conversations. Angela: What a wonderful way to celebrate your milestone birthday! I am having a milestone birthday today @60! I have a lot of life to discuss and would be honored to help you accomplish this worthwhile project!! Steven: Absolutely, any time! Tami: Hi Nicole! I'm Tami, and I am so intrigued with your project!! I would love to help you with this. I'm a writer and deep conversations are my jam! Craig: Very interesting idea.  I love to chat with new people! Laura: If you haven't met your 40 conversations, I could use a good conversation with a kind soul. An interest in deep conversations from young and old Meghan: I wish there were more people like this with good intentions! I'm in my mid-20s. Intellectual conversations are kinda really my thing. Jeri: I would love to participate. I just turned 70 and looking for connection. Larry: I am 66; is it to just unload problems or to really make new friends--if you want to make new friends I am there count me in- Karen: I would love to help you . I am in my early 50s and love meeting new people and making friends. Kat: Well, I am 76 years old and I have lived through a lot! I was a postwar baby and as I became a teenager we dealt with birth control. Then there was the Vietnam war, civil rights. Live near the Bay Area in the 60s and saw lots of disobedience and Craziness. I lived to see John Kennedy shot and killed Martin Luther King shot and killed and Bobby Kennedy shot and killed. Those were sad sad days for America. I could go on and on, but I won't.  You get the idea.  At this point in my life, I have lost almost everybody that was of significance in my life growing up. But I'm still part of the class of '64 for our high school and we are a very connected class since we went from kindergarten through high school together for most of us. By the way, happy happy birthday Lyn: Nicole, I'm game if you're still collecting names. I just celebrated my 75th...definitely a milestone! Michelle: Hi Nicole, I'd love to assist with your quest.  What a lovely way to celebrate your next birthday. My response to the request for a deep conversation  I responded with this text, I'll do what I can to help you with this challenge. Shortly thereafter I received a text from Nicole that read: "Hey John! Thanks for offering to help with the challenge! "Just as a very brief background: I'm a nurse and obtained a certification as a transformative life coach and my goal is to connect with as many people as possible.  There's no catch, just connecting :) "Here's a link to schedule a time to connect:" Hmmmn. A different “deep conversation” than what was expected I clicked on the link to find a calendar to book an appointment. Above the calendar read “Free Session.” The word “Free” jumped out a me. It implies, especially after reading further, that some sessions are not free. Next to the calendar is more information from Nicole that began with: "Why do this? To connect! I'm a nurse and a health and wellness coach looking to serve my community one conversation at a time. I want to learn about you and where you're struggling right now, and alternatively, what's going great and how to help you build on that!" Nicole goes on to write: "Some sessions can be filled with big emotions and that's ok! I want you to express yourself to the fullest, be open and honest, and I'll do the same for you. That being said, if I feel you're not showing up fully in this way, I'll call you out on it and push you a little harder. Not showing up fully is not an option in my coaching space. "At the end, we'll make sure you have a plan to continue any forward momentum that we've created together." My take on all this I was really tempted to contact some of the 99 people who responded to Nicole's initial challenge to celebrate her upcoming 40th birthday by having deep conversations with 40 people. I'd like to ask them what they thought and felt when they got the same text I received when I responded to Nicole.  Believe me, that was so tempting. But if I did that, this episode would be about the ethics of Nicole's marketing strategy for her wellness coaching business. The larger and more interesting aspect to this story is why these 99 people responded to Nicole in the first place.  It caused me to go back and look at the responses of these 99 more closely and found they reveal something about what many of us are all looking for these days. What people are looking for I think of Anna, who at 78 years of age found the prospect of a deep conversation with Nicole to be in her words, “loving and caring,” and “I could use more contact with good people.” Then there is Laura who said, “I could use a good conversation with a kind soul.” And Larry who mentions he's 66 and “If this is about making new friends I am there. Count me in.” Another response that is telling comes from Jeri who said “I would love to participate. I just turned 70 and looking for connection.” And finally there is the response from Kat who spoke about the major events she lived through in her 76 years, almost as a way of auditioning for Nicole, implying that she would have a lot to offer in any kind of deep conversation.  I was especially touched when Kat said “At this point in my life, I have lost almost everybody that is of significance in my life growing up. But I'm still part of the class of '64 for our high school and we are a very connected class since we went from kindergarten through high school together for most of us.” Over and over again people talk about looking for connection and meeting new friends.  I think it's because many of us are lonely. Otherwise, why would we want new friends? It's either because we don't have any friends, or the few we have are just surface friends. So what does all this mean for YOU?  If you saw Nicole's request for a deep conversation, how would you respond?  Are you interested in deep conversations that would lead to connections with people and making new friends? Or are you overloaded with the things going on in your life that you just don't have any space for deep conversations much less new friends? Another thing this brings up is as people of faith, how would Jesus want us to respond to those looking for friends and connection with others?  We can't connect with everyone, nor be friends with everyone. And if you're active in a church, please, please don't say, “tell others they need to get in a small group.”  No, they don't. My hunch is that Jesus doesn't want us to funnel lonely people into a church program or ministry. Rather, I think he wants us to individually reflect his image and character.  To be what 78-year-old Anna is looking for,  “someone who is caring and loving” and that good person she could connect with. To be that “kind soul” Laura is looking for. Yeah, that's how I think Jesus would want us to respond. Because someone listened… I'll conclude by reminding you of that new feature we're trying out this season, Because Someone Listened… I'd like you to describe a time when someone listened to you well and the impact it had on you. Just complete the sentence because someone listened…. You can post it in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can email it to me at john@cringforothers.org. Closing In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to be that loving and caring person, that “kind soul”  people are looking for. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. Please consider making a donation to help us pay the bills to continue this podcast and other services we provide missionaries around the world. You can make an online contribution to Caring for Others when you click here. You can also make a contribution by clicking on the yellow "Donate" box in the upper right corner at the top of the first page.

    203: Three Reasons for Being Stingy in Sharing Your Story

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 4, 2023 11:56


    There's a school of thought out there that says to make friends it's important to be vulnerable by sharing your story. Some call it “being authentic.” Yet it's been my experience that sharing your story when someone is trying to share there's may end up pushing people away. Some would call that being self-centered. Today's episode, though, is about three reasons to be stingy in sharing your story. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, an award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it.  The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. In the last episode If the phrase “be stingy in sharing your story” sounds familiar it's probably because you heard it used in episode 202, “The Best Stories.” It was in reference to the listening advice shared in the interview I did with Linda Crouch, a retired missionary friend. She talked about her friend Meg who listened well to Linda talking about her recent trip to Nigeria. Even though Meg was a missionary herself, she was stingy in sharing her own story. So Linda had all the time she needed to tell hers. I love this word, “stingy.”  I never thought of it being a good word with a positive connotation to it. Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol come to mind when I hear the word “stingy.”   But in the context of relationships, “stingy in sharing our story” is a great principle on several levels, when used properly. Here are three reasons why: Being stingy in sharing your story honors the person sharing there's In any meaningful conversation you can't have two stories going on at once. Unfortunately, though, you see this happening all too often. Tune in any TV or radio news show with 3 or more hosts and invariably you hear them talking over each other, fighting for air time. A meaningful conversation requires someone to take the high road by being quiet and listening. We honor people when we relinquish our turn to be the center of attention. It gives voice to people who may not have had a voice. It's a biblical principle as well. James 1:19, that familiar passage says, “…be quick to listen and slow to speak.” When we take that to heart and put it into practice it manifests another Biblical concept we read in Romans 12:10, “…take delight in honoring each other.” Being stingy in sharing your story brings out the best in you A second reason why being stingy with your story when someone is sharing there's is a great practice is because it brings out the best in you. The best in you displays relational hospitality, where you invite people into interaction with you by giving them the floor and allowing them to be the focus of attention. To let someone go first in sharing their story is an act of humility, which is always found in the best of our character traits. It's a sacrifice to let someone have the air time we would like. Letting someone else have the spot light without interruption from you models what good listening looks like. And when we model something for others that will bring out the best in them, it brings out the best in ourselves. Being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to our loneliness As counterintuitive as it sounds, being stingy in sharing your story is an antidote to loneliness. When you hold back on talking about yourself it creates an opportunity to learn about someone else and a possible point of connection based on their life, not yours. We have a missionary friend who grew up in a large family where everyone talked. In order to be heard she learned how to fight for airtime by talking a lot herself. While that skill served her well as a child, it did just the opposite as an adult. Instead of drawing people to herself, talking a great deal pushed people away. Consequently, she was often lonely. Another thing. When we hold back on talking about ourself so that others can share their story it creates the possibility of broadening our world, which tends to dissipate loneliness.   Now I'll be the first to admit that many times the stories people share about themselves are boring and repetitive. I know, because some of my stories are boring and repetitive.  A brother-in-law story Recently though, Janet and I were at an extended family event that wasn't all that interesting to me, and as the afternoon wore on I was itching to go home. Janet, however, was thoroughly enjoying herself and didn't want to leave.   At one point the subject of military service was mentioned, which prompted me to ask my brother-in-law Rich, “Were you ever in the service?” “Yes,” he said, but nothing more.  I then asked, “What was your your role, your job?” “Paratrooper,” Rich said.  That one word answer changed my mood entirely. I've known Rich for many years, but never knew he was paratrooper. This prompted me to ask more more questions about his military service that I found really interesting. Especially about the mechanics of jumping out of airplanes with a parachute on your back. I was so glad I coaxed my brother-in-law into sharing his story instead of telling parts of my own. It made for a far more interesting afternoon. Being stingy with your story doesn't mean remaining silent about it One final thought on this whole matter: Being stingy with your story doesn't mean remaining silent about it.  It's more about waiting your turn. It's about going last, not first. Good listeners do that, you know.  So what about YOU?  I wonder. Is it possible you may be too generous in sharing your story in ways that keeps someone from sharing there's? I also wonder if  being stingy with your story isn't a problem for you, how are you handling the results of letting others fill the air waves with the sound of their voice. What goes on inside you when you can't get a word in edgewise because other people are dominating the conversation and sucking the air time available for anyone else to talk.  I've got some thoughts on this that I'll share at another time, but I do wonder how  others deal with this relational dynamic Because someone listened… One of our listeners wrote in to tell what happened to her because someone listened. She tells the story of two friends who walked beside her through the death and grief of her 40-something daughter who died of cancer.  “I can't count the number of times I drove out of their driveway with warm refreshing healing teardrops flowing down my cheeks. Over the years — but especially these past 18 months on the hardest journey I never would have signed up for — they welcomed me with open arms, listened to my ongoing expressions of grief and struggle, fed me with an abundance of Papa God's love and delicious food, and brought the beauty of laughter into the hard. Their listening love has been a gift of GRACE wrapped in a ribbon of GOLD.” I bet you have stories of what happened to you because someone listened. We'd like to hear them. Closing Before we wrap up today's show, if you'd like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you're dealing with, I'd love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you'd rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the  Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to be stingy in sharing your own story so someone else can share theirs. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 202: The Best Stories All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry, is the sponsor for You Were Made for This. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    202: The Best Stories

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 20, 2023 34:12


    Most of us like a good story. I have found that the best stories are those that draw us in with emotion. They're usually about relationships and often contain a story within a story. I've got one of those for you today that I'm pretty sure you're going to like.  Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Today's relationship story The story I want to tell you today comes from a listener response to my recent August 8th email to those on our email list. The email was about that line I love from the PBS TV show, Call the Midwife,  “We learn most when we listen to others” Linda Crouch, a retired missionary now living in North Carolina, wrote to tell me how she's come to appreciate the great value of people listening to one another. I was so fascinated by what she had to say and the story she told that illustrated the value of listening, that I thought it would make a great podcast episode if I interviewed her. Linda graciously agreed to the interview that you'll hear in just a minute. As you listen, I'd like you to see if you can identify the predominant emotion in the story. The relationships you'll hear about are pretty obvious. But see if you can pick up on the emotion that makes hers a great story. And then also, what do you hear as the story within her story? See if you can pick that out. So let's get into it right now. [I know some of you prefer to read rather than listen to what comes next, but I'm sorry there is no transcript of this best stories episode.] Why today's story is one of the best stories I've heard in a while I don't know about you, but what Linda just shared is one of the best stories I've heard in a while.  What an amazing thing she did in organizing a trip for her children and grandchildren to go back to a place where she and her  husband spent almost 4 decades of their life. It's where her kids grew up and where it formed such an important piece of her identity, and there's as well.  She could have gone by herself, but she wanted her children to go back with her to experience the joy she experienced. I'm not going to do this, but it would be oh-so interesting to interview 1 or 2 of her adult children, and the same with a couple of the grandkids. To hear how this trip impacted them. Another thing that made this one of the best stories I've heard this year is listening to Linda describe the joy she felt in returning to Nigeria with her family. This is the predominant emotion I heard. Joy. I also love how she talked about “the joy of resilience.”  What a breath of fresh air to hear this perspective. And then there was her motive in going back, to say “thank you” to the people she worked with in Nigeria whom she and her husband Jim worked with and ministered to. I love that.  Just recently we hosted a missionary couple who retired this year after 50 some years working in a camping ministry who have been taking a “thank you tour” across the US. They're meeting with those who have supported them for all these years and who made possible the work they were called to. All to say “thank you” for their faithful support. What a great idea. The story within the story Finally, what made this one of the best stories I've heard this year is the story within Linda's story. It's the story of Meg and how she blessed Linda by being such a good listener to her sharing her story. For me, that was quite a powerful story within a story. I loved how Linda described the way Meg entered into her story and even though she was a missionary herself, she practiced that great line that Linda quoted, “Be stingy with your own story” when listening to others. What a great line, “Be stingy with your own story.”  May that be true of all of us when we are listening to others. If you got distracted and missed any of this may want to replay this part of the episode.  Because someone listened… I'll conclude by reminding you of that new feature we're trying out this season, Because Someone Listened… Send me an email, or fill in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, where you complete the sentence because someone listened…  Describe a time when someone listened to you well and the impact it had on you.  Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to be part of someone's best story that they experience. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 201:Three Relationship Tools to Remember in September Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    201: Three Relationship Tools to Remember in September

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 6, 2023 20:17


    Hello everyone, I'm back!  To start season 8 of this podcast we're going to talk about three relationship tools we can use to become better listeners this fall to deepen our relationships. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles and relationship tools you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. We're back from the off-season It's been 6 months since Season 7 of You Were Made for This ended with episode 200. You might be wondering what I was doing during this time. If you're on my email list you got an email every Wednesday during this off-season about all matter of things relationships related that was on my mind at the time. And many weeks the email had links to blog posts on our website. If you missed those, I'll have a link to them at the bottom of the show notes. I'll also post a link to get on my email list list if you are not already on it. There's a lot more I could share about the past off-season, but I want to get rolling today with this first episode, number 201, of season 8. Plus I want to announce a few changes at the end of today's show that you'll want to know about. However, if you really are interested in knowing more about what I was up to while away from the podcast mic, I'd be happy to tell you all about it over dinner at your house. Wednesdays work best for me. And I know this always comes up, but the only food allergy I have is to coconut. Just so you know. Okay, to kick off season 8 here near the beginning of September in 2023 we are going to take a look at 3 relationship tools to remember this September that will help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. September is a perfect time to observe I'll start with this. September is a perfect time to observe. With the activities of summer in the rearview mirror for most of us, September is the time of year we return to the routines and rhythms of life. Vacations are finished for now, the kids are back in school, and the pace of life dials down a notch. September gives us space to look around and observe.   Flowers we only see in the fall appear now. Here in the Upper Midwest of the US where I live, cone flowers, coreopsis, and black-eyed susans are in full bloom. Observe relationships And it's not just the beauty of nature that rewards us when we take time to look around in September. It's also the beauty of relationships that can soothe our souls when we take time to observe them. I live in a neighborhood where a lot of people walk, and I'm one of them.  While on a walk one early morning I came across a tall dad walking his small, young daughter to her bus stop on the first day of school. Hand in hand they walked, and you could tell they had a loving relationship. You could just tell. For those of you who are parents, first-day-of-school walks to the bus stop are over before you know it. The years just fly by.  Observing that tall dad reminded me of how quickly our children grow up. While parenting is a lot of work - no doubt about it - there is much joy to experience as well. Like the joy of being there for your children as a new chapter of their life opens each September. September also brings a measure of relational sadness at times. The other day I was talking with Dave, my next-door neighbor. He told me his oldest daughter was soon moving to Washington, D.C. to start her first job out of college. In a moment of vulnerability he said, “This is hard on me. Harder on me than it is on Barb. I'm not ready for this.” Yeah, I get it. I've been through having our daughter move away. It's a grieving process. Observe our relationships with strangers Besides relationships as I've just described, I find it helpful to observe the relationships we have with strangers. I'll explain why later. Recently, for example, I bought a used car to replace an older car we had.  There was a particular model I was looking for, and after much research, I found one on the lot of a large auto dealer in our area, which meant I had to deal with a car salesperson. Yikes. I hate doing this. What I dislike even more is dealing with the finance or business manager you have to go through to complete the transaction when you buy a car from a place like this.  Listening to THEIR sales pitch to upsell their financing and extended warranties is painful. Oh, how I dreaded this process when I agreed to terms on the car with the salesman. To my great surprise though, I really liked the finance guy within 30 seconds of meeting him. There was no hard sell on anything from this very likable man. He was friendly, but not overly so. Apologetic for having to put me through his dealership's process. Understanding of our desire to get out of there as fast as possible. I thought to myself he would make a good next door neighbor. So how are these observations a helpful relationship tool?  Remember in September to reflect upon our relationships Observations we make about people are helpful to the extent we use them to reflect on their meaning. Many of our relational encounters with people are purely transactional and have no deep meaning. You call to make an appointment. We say hello to the postal carrier. You say “Excuse me” to the lady with the grocery cart as you walk around her in the cereal box aisle.  But it's a shame if we look at all the interactions we see with people as ordinary run-of-the-mill encounters. Our lives are enriched when we reflect upon what we see. Maybe there's nothing there to reflect upon, but other times what we observe can encourage us or add to the richness of our life. For example, observing that father in our neighborhood taking his daughter by the hand while they walked to her bus stop the first day of school brought me much joy. It reminded me of the joys of fatherhood and the times I saw my own children off to their first days of school. As I reflected on this scene it evoked gratitude for my joy-filled relationship with my daughter who once was like this little girl I saw on my morning walk.  It wasn't nostalgia that moved me, but it was thankfulness instead that I continued to be blessed by my relationship with my daughter and my son., both of whom have children of their own. Yeah, remember this September to reflect on relationships like this. It will do your heart good. It's a great relationship tool to put into practice. When people leave us And then there's the conversation I had with my neighbor Dave whose daughter was moving to Washington, D.C. It caused me to reflect on when our own daughter moved out of state. It was a grieving process where there were no words that could make it better. In fact, at times like this, words often make it worse. Words like,  “At least your son is still in town… you'll now have a new place to visit…when you see her when she visits you'll have quality time with each other…time will heal your grief.” It's like rubbing salt into a wound when we hear words like this. It's always harder on those left behind. Those who move on are off to a new adventure. Those left behind get a piece of their heart ripped away. Strangers can inspire us On a more positive note, as I reflected on my interaction with the finance guy at the car dealer, it actually inspired me to be more like him. I tend to drift toward being critical of people, which I hate to see in myself.  I want to be winsome and put people at ease like the finance guy I met. I want to be gentle and kind with people, to bring out the best in others.  When we reflect upon what we observe in our relationships it opens the possibility of becoming more the man or woman God created us to be.  It shows us the extent to which we are reflecting the image of God well. Remember this September to Act upon what we observe and reflect upon The third relationship tool to remember in September is Act. Take some kind of action based on what you observe and reflect upon. You need to know, though Act doesn't necessarily mean an outward behavior. It's also not about trying harder. It's not about doing. Sometimes it is, but often it is about thinking. Often an action you take looks like you're doing nothing to an outside observer. When I spoke about observing the changing rhythms of life this fall and the flowers that appear this time of year it slowed me down to reflect upon the beauty of God's creation.  It also evoked an action within me, namely to appreciate again the change and energy that comes with each autumn where I live.   Feeling something and being aware of it is just as much an action as a behavior.  It's an action unobservable to anyone else. But it's very real. It would have been easy to observe what I did, reflect upon it, but feel no gratitude or response and just move on to the next thing.  Two dads and their daughters The two fathers I observed caused me to reflect upon my relationship with my own daughter. It reminded me of tender moments with her, like seeing her off for the first day of elementary school. When I listened to my neighbor share his sadness over his newly minted college graduate moving out of state, it made me reflect upon the sadness I felt when our own daughter moved 800 miles away. As far as acting on what I observed and reflected upon, I made a mental note to ask my neighbor the next time I saw him, “How are you doing now with your daughter moved into her apartment in Washington?” Making mental notes like this shows you're listening, and it creates the potential for deepening a relationship.  Take action by drawing upon the work of God in our lives When it comes to taking action in our relationships, draw upon the wisdom and power that lies beyond ourself. Don't settle for any old idea that pops into your head. It's too self-limiting.  Instead, here's a novel thought: ask God what he would want you to do, and then ask him for the power to do it. Rely on him. It's a valuable relationship tool. He may tell you to do nothing.  He may ask you to change your thinking.   Or he may prompt you to initiate one of a countless number of behaviors. In a nutshell, to Act is to listen to God. What does he want you to do? Ask him. The possibilities are endless.  Summary  In summary, the relationship tools I've mentioned in today's show are an application of that relationship model I've talked about in past episodes, ORA. Observe-Reflect-Act. I'll be talking more about this in future episodes. For now, though, just remember that ORA is about listening.  To Observe is to listen with your eyes. Reflect is to listen with your heart To Act is to listen to God Coming this fall  I mentioned at the beginning of the show there are some changes coming here in season 8. One is that we're going to move from a weekly schedule of episodes to a semi-monthly format. A new episode will be released on the first and third Wednesday of each month. There may also be occasional bonus episodes or emails I'll send out at other times in the month. The reason for this is to allow time to implement a new initiative related to this podcast. I've become increasingly aware of how many of us are overloaded with information. There's a lot of content of one kind or another coming at us like a firehose at times. Much of the content is helpful. I hope you feel that way about this podcast.  But a shortcoming of all this content is we often don't have opportunity to process what we hear. It's one-way communication. Someone talks and we listen. But there's no interaction to ask questions or learn from others how they are applying the same content we hear together. I'd like to change that, so this fall I'm going to experiment with creating a community of like-minded people interested in developing deeper relationships in their life. It will start with a test group of mostly people who listen to this podcast. I don't have all the details worked out and I will be looking for help from the founding members of this discussion group to do so. I'll be sending out more details about this in the days ahead. And hopefully, it will be something you'll want to join. Because someone listened… One last item for today in terms of changes to this podcast for the fall is something I mentioned about a month ago in my August 9th email. One of our fellow listeners, Linda Crouch, told the story of how she benefited greatly from a friend who listened to her talk about her trip to Nigeria where she and her husband served as missionaries.  It was all because someone listened. I bet there are other similar stories you have of being blessed in one form or another because someone listened. So I'd like to introduce a segment in each episode to get those stories out.  We'll call it “because someone listened” stories. I have a hunch they will encourage all of us. So just send me a paragraph or two that completes this sentence, “Because someone listened…” You can email it to john@caringforothers.org. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's show 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Blog articles Email Signup Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    200: Give People the Gift of Hope

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 1, 2023 16:47


    One relationship principle I've come to appreciate over time is the power of giving people the gift of hope when they have so little of it themselves. It's when you burn brightly with hope for others when their own hope is but a dying ember. In several recent episodes, I shared a response from one of our listeners who wrote about feeling overwhelmed at how to develop relationships. She said she has no friends and is lonely. The hope she has for things ever getting any better is but a dim flicker. In today's episode, the last of season seven, I share what it looks like to give people the gift of hope.  But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Season seven ends today with episode 200 Before we get into today's show, I want to remind you that today's episode concludes season 7 of You Were Made for This. I will be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on several projects to serve you better. They will be focused on ways to deepen our relationships and finding the joy God intends for us in them. The joy of relationships is the “this” we were all made for.  Even though the podcast will go dark for a while until season 8 begins, I'd like to continue sharing with you what I'm working on in the meantime. I'd like to tell you about articles and information I come across I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships.  I'll be doing this with occasional emails to you. If you've been getting my email each Wednesday about that week's podcast episode, you are good to go. But if you're not getting my Wednesday email, then you're not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to leave your email address. Okay. So much for this housekeeping matter and on to today's program. A listener who needs the gift of hope Here's what the listener I'm calling “Emily” (not her real name) wrote in response to episode 063. This is the one about building relationships by being more curious about people. She came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it. “I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.' “I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.  “Now almost 40 years old, I'm so frustrated by the fact that I don't have any real, close friendships.  “I don't know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don't even know how personal relationships work. I don't know how often you're supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it's my reality! I don't know how to make and keep friends.  “I'm sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don't know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.” Our listeners respond In recent episodes, I asked you and the rest of our listening audience how you would respond to Emily if they were sitting across from her in a coffee shop for a conversation about her situation. I'll have links to those episodes at the bottom of today's show notes. In those episodes, I share what your fellow listeners would say to Emily. There were some very good responses. One that came in recently was from Chris, a listener in Wisconsin. You can read his wise feedback in the comments section of episode 198. You can find it at the bottom of the show notes for that episode. I also have a few comments to make about Emily's concern, but first I thought you'd like to hear what our executive producer, and my boss, Carol Steward, has to say. Carol, as you may recall, is the voice you hear introducing each episode of our podcast. She was my wife's roommate in college, and we have been friends for over 50 years. Most importantly, she was the one who first told us about Jesus when we were 19-year-old freshmen. I talk more about Carol in episode 021, The Most Important Relationship of All. Carol was the one who gave Janet and me the gift of hope so many years ago. Listen now to what she had to say recently about Emily and having a conversation with her in a coffee shop: Many of us have people like “Emily” in our lives Hi John:  I was on my treadmill listening to your podcast.  It resonated with me and someone whom I know that said to me once, "I don't tell people anything unless they ask me about something." She has told me that she had been abused in several relationships, and I think that this has precipitated her unwillingness to be open and free with conversation.  I'm thinking that she thinks the less she talks about herself, the less it will be twisted or used against her. Is that what your "Emily" may have been feeling?  Of course, we don't know because we can't ask her that.  But I do know that abuse creates fear in the abused. My heart goes out to her.  So the best I can offer an answer to what you asked of me, is if you want to get to know "Emily", get to know her the same way you would get to know a 4 or 5-year-old.  Be light-hearted, and just enjoy the moment with her. . . . no expectations, no big questions, just enjoy the time.  If the conversation only gets as far as, "Have you ever come to this coffee shop before?" and, "What do you like about this coffee?"  All good.  It's a start, and you can build on it the next time you get together. A gift of hope starts with wise words So I didn't answer your question, did I?  I told you what I would do in conversation with her.  So here's my shot at an answer: “Since you're at the coffee shop Emily, know that I'm here because I want to be there with you or else I would not have shown up.  So ask me about my family--ages? interests?  plans for the summer?   Start with that and listen.  Occasionally you could say, ‘Tell me more.'  All relationships start with get-to-know questions. If that's hard for you, go to the questions of the moment, ‘Have you ever been to this coffee shop before?' and ‘What do you like about this coffee?'”   My Response to Emily When I first received Emily's response to episode 063 about being more curious about people, I sent her an email saying something along the lines that I'm sorry she's having to deal with the relational difficulties she mentioned, and how they're causing such loneliness in her life. I offered to talk with her about these things. I never heard back from her. Maybe she didn't get the email. Or maybe she wanted to wait a while before responding and then lost my email address. There could be other reasons, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. That being said, I have a few ideas I would use in talking with someone like Emily in a coffee shop. It starts with my goal. My goal would NOT be to fix her problem, or even to make her feel better. My goal would be to reflect the image of God well in talking with her. We're all made in the image of God, as the Bible tells us in the Book of Genesis. What would God want for Emily is a question I'd ask myself. I would start by building a level of trust with her, which comes from validating her feelings and showing compassion.  I would listen well, setting aside anything weighing on me at the moment, so I could focus on Emily. Part of listening well is asking good questions, especially follow-up questions in response to what she says. With people struggling with relational issues like Emily, I often find myself asking them “where do you see God in your situation?” It's a way of pointing people to Jesus, to eventually find the gift of hope found in Him, and seeing how He is at work in whatever circumstance a person is facing. Choices Another thing I would eventually like to get to is the issue of choices. Even be so bold as after listening well and being compassionate and empathetic, to ask Emily something along the lines of, “So, given your situation, what are you going to do about it?”  If what she's doing isn't working what can you do differently, Emily? And then let her come up with ideas. If she has a hard time answering this question I'd ask, “Emily the people you see who have good relationships; what do they do?  What could you copy from them?   In dealing with relational difficulties, people have more choices than they often realize. Talking things through as I'm suggesting will often help reveal those choices. As people begin to see more choices available to them, they begin to find hope that things could change for the better. I have a hunch that the skills Emily developed as a child living with her dysfunctional family are skills she continues to use as an adult. But these are skills that are no longer needed or appropriate in healthy relational environments. She needs to learn new relational skills, and discard the old ones.  That's my hunch anyway.  There's so much more that can be said about giving people like Emily the gift of hope that things can improve in their relationships. What you've heard from your fellow listeners and from me is just the tip of the iceberg to help get you started. So what does all this mean for YOU?  I bet you've run across people like Emily in your life. When you do, it's wise to ask yourself HOW you can best reflect the character and image of God with that person. And then not thwart the work of the Holy Spirit in their life.  Doing this can take so many different directions that it takes Godly wisdom to know which path to follow. So pray for wisdom at times like this. If you forget everything else from today's episode, here's the one thing I hope you remember Caring well for people means at times giving them the gift of hope. To help them see the hope found in knowing Jesus is at work in their life. It's to burn brightly with hope for them when their own hope is a dying ember. Closing Finally, as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I want to stay in touch with you from time to time while I take a break from this podcast before season eight begins. If you're on my email list, I'll let you know when I'm ready with new episodes to start the next season. I'll also send you information from time to time I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships. But if you're not getting my Wednesday email already, you're not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to get on the list.  I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to think about how you can reflect the character and image of God in helping people find the gift of hope in their relationship with Jesus. Well, that's it for today - and for season seven of this podcast. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. I look forward to being in your ears when I'm ready to launch season eight. But until then, don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time in season eight. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 197: We Don't Know What We Don't Know 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 199: How to Help a Friend All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry, is the sponsor of You Were Made for This. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    199: How to Help a Friend

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 22, 2023 15:01


    Today's episode is about how to help a friend using a model of deepening relationships I've talked about before. The ORA principle. You remember it, don't you? O - Observe. R - Reflect. A -Act. ORA. I saw this model of relating on several different levels from the responses some of you, our listeners, sent in to help another listener. Someone I'm calling “Emily.” In episode 197, Emily wrote in, feeling overwhelmed at how to develop relationships. She said she has no friends and is lonely. I‘ll read what she wrote in a minute. I then asked all of you this question near the end of the episode, How do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared?  Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments?  How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other? But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about.   Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. As with every episode, our purpose today is to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. Our listener friend, Emily, certainly isn't experiencing any joy in her relationships. But let's see what we can do together to help a friend like her. Season seven is coming to a close But first, I want to remind you of something I've been mentioning in the last couple of episodes.  Next week's show, number 200 will bring an end to season 7 of You Were Made for This. I'll then be taking a break from the podcast for a time to work on a few projects to better serve you. I'll still be writing about relationships from time to time and I'd like to keep you in the know. If you're on my email list, I'll send you an article or email I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships. But if you're not getting my Wednesday email, then you're not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to give me your email address. What can we do to help a friend like this? Okay, On to today's program. You may recall in episode 197 I mentioned that someone I'll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: “Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People.” I'll have a link to it in the show notes, or if you're driving, just remember johncertalic.com/063. Emily came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it. “I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.' “I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions.  “Now almost 40 years old, I'm so frustrated by the fact that I don't have any real, close friendships.  “I don't know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. It feels like I don't even know how personal relationships work. I don't know how often you're supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be  involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it's my reality! I don't know how to make and keep friends.  “I'm sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don't know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.” The question I asked our listening audience So again, the question I asked again of our listening audience is how do you react internally to her words? How would you respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other.? Here's a way to help a friend like this Our first listener response in answer to this question comes from Marilyn from Minnesota. She writes: “John, I felt like crying for this person sharing her relationship problem. I hope she has been getting some sound counseling over the years. “When I enter an unfamiliar culture I seek out a mentor or cultural guide to walk me through the confusing web. I can ask the questions that come up and that person can give valuable advice. I believe this would be a help to this person. But how can she even find someone to do it? This is the dilemma. “ I would love for this person to be my friend and experience life with her as a cultural guide and friend. But I suppose that's a crazy idea as a blog is not normally used for such things. “I had parents exactly opposite from this individual. When I was very young, we had a missionary in our home for dinner. As we talked around the table, I felt free to ask him a question. In response, he complimented me for asking the question and encouraged me to continue that practice. Interesting how that one complement thrust me forward to get to know people by asking questions. This was also a lesson for me in later years to encourage and strengthen children in little and big ways. You never know the effect it will have. “I think you've done programs on asking good questions. Always an excellent topic. Some people are so good at it and some are on the opposite spectrum.” The elements of the ORA principle in Marilyn's response I like how Marilyn O- observed what was going on inside of her after reading Emily's comments. “I felt like crying.” While she couldn't physically observe Emily, she pictured what it must have been like for her. This enabled Marilyn to R-reflect on her own experience of being in an environment that's unfamiliar - just like the world of healthy relationships is unfamiliar to Emily. This really helped Marilyn identify with what Emily is going through Another listener response to help a friend like Emily A second listener response comes from Randy in Pennsylvania. Randy writes: “This evening, I listened again to this week's Podcast and the words compassion and empathy come to mind when you shared some of "Emily's" story.  It reminds me of the broken world we live in. None of us are born into perfect families and no doubt the baggage, hurts, and scars can be passed on from one generation to another.  “I think of "Emily" as a little girl who was conditioned to think so poorly of herself. It defined her and her ability to relate to others because at home she was made to feel stupid which likely shut her down emotionally. Here she is around 40 years old living emotionally imprisoned to being the "bad, stupid, etc." girl that her abusive parents brought her up to think about herself. “In many ways, I can relate as I regularly struggle with relational interactions and often feel like I don't go very deep with people. I can look at possible why's....a father who did not speak much.....showed his love through his work and providing not through his talking....he loved us dearly but his actions were his voice, not his mouth. My mom grew up with a very critical mother....hate to say it, but I picked up a bit of that type of thinking... Act to help a friend “So, thinking back to ‘Emily', whatever she can do to work on changing her self-talk ‘that she is stupid and can't make friends' would be a big step forward.  Think about working on changing her ‘mental Muscle Memory' by replacing the negative thoughts with new, positive words, such as ‘I am deeply and completely loved by God…' something short and easy to repeat. “John, this is a very good exercise as what you have done by sharing this story and seeking input helps us do our own processing with taking steps forward in our own growth and healing. Thanks!” The ORA principle we see in Randy's response Randy O-observed the compassion and empathy that rose within him as he heard Emily's story. He observed what her childhood was like as Emily shared parts of it. It caused Randy to R-reflect on his own growing-up years, which allowed him to more easily identify with Emily. He also offered some A-Action Emily could take.  He puts it this way, whatever she can do to work on changing her self-talk "that she is stupid and can't make friends" would be a big step forward.  Think about working on changing her "mental Muscle Memory" by replacing the negative thoughts with new, positive words. So what does all this mean for YOU?  There are people like Emily all around us. Maybe you're even one of them. Adults, who as children, were never modeled what good relationships look like. People just stuck in their relationships because they don't know what they don't know. This ORA model of relating is a simple way of remembering what you can do to help a friend. We just touched upon the surface of the 3 components of this principle. There's so much more to observing, reflecting, and acting that we don't have time to cover here.  After season 7 of the podcast ends next week, I plan to spend more time developing this concept so I can pass it on to you. If you forget everything else from today's episode, here's the one thing I hope you remember Today's episode about how to help a friend struggling with relationships shows that the ORA principle of deepening relationships is a useful relational tool. Observe by watching and listening. Reflect upon what you observe and what it could mean. Act based on what you've observed and reflected upon. Closing Finally, I want to stay in touch with you from time to time after season 7 ends next week If you're on my email list, I'll occasionally send you information I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships. But if you're not getting my Wednesday email already, you're not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow to get on the list. In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think about how you can apply this simple relationship model, ORA, with the people in your life. It comes in handy for all kinds of relational interactions, especially when you want to help a friend. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar.  I have one more listener response to Emily's dilemma that I'll share with you next week in episode 200 to close out season seven. And then I'll share my own thoughts and response to Emily's challenges. I know you're going to like next week's program, and I'm confident you will find it helpful. But until then, don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them.  And I'll see you again next time, for the last time, in season 7. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People 088: Get Them to say “Thank You for Asking” Last week's episode 198: Read Your Way to Better Relationships in 2023 All past and future episodes    JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    198: Read Your Way to Better Relationships in 2023

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 15, 2023 11:35


    In episode 192 I explained my rationale for suggesting that our word of the year for this year should be READ. Go to johncertalic.com/192 If you missed it. Reading about relationships is a simple way to enjoy better relationships in 2023. For example, in today's show, I share an article I read recently that I found quite freeing when it comes to dealing with a delicate relationship issue. It's a relationship concept I read about that I'm sure you will find helpful, too. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Reminder about last week's episode Before I share the article I read about the sensitive relationship issue I mentioned, I want to remind you of how we left off with last week's episode, #197, “We Don't Know What We Don't Know.” This is the one where a listener I called Emily wrote in to say in that she doesn't have any close friends, doesn't understand how relationships work, and feels overwhelmed by them. I asked you for suggestions on what to say to someone like her. So I'd appreciate your thoughts on this matter, and so would Emily. You can send them in an email to me, john@caringforothers.org, or you can leave them in the “Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. I will need them soon. If you missed that episode, you can find it johncertalic.com/197. I'll have a link to it below. All right. On to this relationship article I've been referring to. It recently appeared in the Wall Street Journal, much of which I'm quoting here. It will help you devlope better relationships in 2023. "Simple Condolences Are Underrated" “Both my parents died in the past few months, leaving me an orphan in midlife. As I am an only child, they took with them the remembered archives of their marriage and my girlhood. The loss is tremendous. “The language to mark it isn't. ‘I am so sorry,' people say. ‘You are in my thoughts,' or ‘for short, ‘My condolences.' I used to think that simple statements like these, which seem like platitudes show a lack of sensitivity and imagination. I thought that sympathy needed to be buffered through personalized language that reflected the character of the dead person and anticipated the state of mind of the survivor. “In years gone by, I spent ages at my desk, straining to come up with something fresh to say to a grieving friend, and once or twice felt so inadequate to the task that I didn't say anything." You don't have to be creative "How I regret that now. Until my parents died, I had no idea how welcome simplicity can be. A statement such as ‘ Our hearts are with you ‘ doesn't feel canned when your heart is aching. It feels like consolation. Traditional condolences convey that the thing that's happened is so profound that novelty is beside the point. In their accessibility, the standard phrases acknowledge the universality of loss. And given their formulaic nature, they make possible a simple and painless response. “‘Thank you, I really appreciate that,' I've said countless times these past weeks. And you know what? I've meant it every time. I really appreciated the expression of fellow feelings. I really have appreciated people's use of compassion shorthand that lets them off having to say something original and lets me off having to talk about how I'm feeling or go into detail about how it all came about. “My parents were unique and irreplaceable….. That these two people should leave the world before their daughter is as commonplace as winter snow in midcoast Maine where they lived …… It has taken many generations to refine the words of bereavement to an elegant sufficiency. I now understand that there's no need to come up with a custom-designed remark when someone dies. What sounds like a platitude will do nicely.” - Meghan Cox-Gurdon. the author of The Enchanted Hour: The Marvelous Power of Reading Aloud in the Age of Distraction. So here's what I learned from what I read: I don't need to be creative or profound when greeting a person who has lost someone they loved. This sure takes the pressure off. I hope it does for you, too. What a freeing truth I learned to help make for better relationships in 2023. And it came from something I read. So what does all this mean for YOU? If you want better relationships in 2023, or any year for that matter, what are you reading these days to help yourself in this area? It's easy to complain about the state of some of our relationships. But they can improve if we make an effort to read how to do it. For we can learn from the experiences of others who write about what works in their relationships, and what doesn't. The “I'm sorry for your loss” article is one small example. There are even better ones found in the Bible. Romans 12 in the New Testament and the Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament are jam-packed with relationship wisdom we can put into practice today. I've done past episodes about these sources that can help you achieve better relationships in 2023. I'll have links to them in the show notes below. If you forget everything else from today's episode, here's the one thing I hope you remember You will enjoy better relationships in 2023 when you read how to develop and nurture them from wise authors who know what they're talking about it. While there's a lot of questionable relationship advice floating around out there, there is much relational wisdom available to us if we look in the right places. The Bible is one such place. Closing In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to read something that will help you achieve better relationships in 2023. Lastly, I mentioned in last week's episode that season 7 would be ending with episode 200 in just two weeks. I'll then be taking a break from podcasting for a time to work on a few projects to better serve you. I'll still be writing about relationships from time to time and I'd like to keep you in the know. If you're on my email list I'll send you articles like I just read that I come across that I think you would find interesting and helpful in nurturing your relationships. But if you're not getting my Wednesday email, you're not on my email list. To get on it, just go to johncertalic.com/follow. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time for episode 199, just two left before season 7 closes down. Goodbye for now. Last week's episode 197: We Don't Know What We Don't Know All past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    197: We Don't Know What We Don't Know

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 8, 2023 12:12


    I've said before in past episodes how much I value feedback from people like you. In today's show, for example, I share a listener reaction to a show from awhile back. It illustrates the concept that when it comes to relationships, sometimes we don't know what we don't know. But before we get into the challenging comments from this listener, and how they could very well apply to your life, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button. Then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Season seven is coming to a close Before we get into today's episode about the challenging comments from a listener, there's a housekeeping matter I need to tell you about. You are listening to episode 197 at the moment, and if my math is right, episode number 200 will be upon us in just a few weeks. That will bring us to the end of season seven of You Were Made for This. I'm then going to take a break from these weekly podcasts to work on a few things I've been wanting to do in order to serve you better. I plan to take some of the content of our 200 episodes, update the material where needed, and re-purpose some of it in written form. Maybe in video as well. I don't know. I have more ideas than I have time to implement them. Well, see. Having said this, I don't want to take a break from staying in touch with you. Even though there will be no new episodes for a while after #200, we can still stay connected by occasional emails now and then. If you've been getting my Wednesday email about that week's podcast, you're good to go. There's nothing more you need to do. But if you're not getting my Wednesday email, I'd like you to join my email list so I can stay in touch with you about the things I'm working on - and what I'm learning about relationships. Just go to johncertalic.com/follow to sign up. Often I come across stories I think you would find interesting, and sending you an email about them from time to time would be the easiest way to get them to you since the podcast will be in hiatus for a time. Back to our regularly scheduled program Last fall, someone I'll call Emily (not her real name) stumbled upon Episode 063: “Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People.” I'll have a link to it in the show notes. But if  your are driving, or otherwise preoccupied, just remember johncertalic.com/063. Emily came across this episode 2½ years after it first aired. Listen as I read her comments about it. We don't know what we don't know “I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.' “I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions. “Now almost 40 years old, I'm so frustrated by the fact that I don't have any real, close friendships. “I don't know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. I feel like I don't even know how personal relationships work. I don't know how often you're supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it's my reality! I don't know how to make and keep friends. “I'm sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don't know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.” I'll have more to say about Emily's comments later, but for now I'll say she's experiencing the challenge many of us face when we don't know what we don't know. So what does Emily's response to an episode that first dropped 2½ years ago have to do with you? What it has to do with you is that at one time or another you will have people in your life who feel the same way Emily does. Friends, family members, maybe one of your own children! Maybe even you. People experiencing what Emily is going through challenge us in how to relate and care for them. For the past 194 episodes of this podcast we've talked about relationship skills and principles in one form or another. So I'd like us to try something. Let's use Emily's story to put into practice what you've learned about relationships. Let's use her situation as a case study of what to do when we don't know what we don't know. To begin, how do you react internally to her words? How did you feel inside about what she shared? Then, what would you do or say to Emily in response to her comments? I'm really interested in your thoughts on this one. Let's see what all of us can learn in how to relate to someone like this. Leave your thoughts in the comment box at the bottom of the show notes, or send them to me in an email. (john@caringforothers.org) If you want to remain anonymous, that's fine, just let me know. Now, I know many of you are driving while you listen to the podcast or you're doing other things like folding laundry, shoveling snow, or finally putting away your Christmas decorations. So I'll repeat what Emily said so you can think about how you would respond to her if the two of you were in a coffee shop having a private conversation with each other. How would you respond to Emily? Listen carefully to what goes on inside of you as you hear her comments, and then what would you do or say if she said the following: “I found this page because I was trying to do some research into what is ‘wrong with me.' “I grew up in a very strict and often abusive household, where it was constantly drilled into my head that if people wanted you to know things, they would tell you. And I was made to feel stupid for asking anything that should be “obvious.” We were basically shamed out of our curiosity as kids and taught to accept everything at face value without asking any questions. “Now almost 40 years old, I'm so frustrated by the fact that I don't have any real, close friendships. “I don't know how to be curious about people, and even when I want to be… I have no idea what to ask. I feel like I don't even know how personal relationships work. I don't know how often you're supposed to reach out to people, exactly what parts of their lives you should be involved in, or how often to reach out… it sounds so silly but it's my reality! I don't know how to make and keep friends. “I'm sure I come off as selfish and self-centered… But really I just don't know how all this works and I get overwhelmed by it.” I've got some thoughts of my own about Emily's comments, but I'll wait to share them until after I hear from you. If you forget everything else from today's episode, here's the one thing I hope you remember We don't know what we don't know is often the case when it comes to relationships, especially when we're lonely. We all need each other to show us what we don't know. To tell us what's true about us when we can't see it ourselves. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's topic about we don't know what we don't know, and how it applies to the listener comments from Emily. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not More Curious About People 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All All past and future episodes:  JohnCertalic.com Last week's episode 196: How Will You Be Remembered? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    196: How Will You Be Remembered?

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 1, 2023 14:08


    I received a touching email the other day that got me thinking about how I want to be remembered when my time on earth comes to an end. The email is a brief and beautiful story from one of my favorite authors that I share in today's show. My guess is that after you hear it, you will want to reflect on how you want to be remembered too. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page to the yellow "Subscribe" button, then enter your name and email address in the fields above it. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The author of one of my all-time favorite books One of the top five books I've ever read is Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I've mentioned the book in previous episodes, and I think at some point I should do a deeper dive review of it. She has a new book that came out late last year in 2022 that is also worthy of a review, Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole. I'll have links to both books in the show notes. With two books under her belt, and online courses she developed, Susan Cain also started a weekly email newsletter, which I signed up for. Sign up for my own weekly email newsletter As a side note here, many of the listeners to this podcast also get my weekly email which gives a brief description of that week's episode. If you're not getting this yourself every Wednesday, and would like to, go to johncertalic.com, scroll a few inches down the page, and under “Actionable relationship insights delivered weekly to your inbox,” enter your name and email address. Okay. Back to Susan Cain and the story she tells in the recent email she wrote. Here's what she said: On my way to tennis a few weeks ago, I realized I forgot my water bottle at home. I pulled into a gas station and asked if they sold water. "We have no store," said the attendant. Then he looked at me, went to his office, and came back with two bottles of Poland Spring. I pulled out my wallet. “No, no,” he said, waving off my dollars with a wistful smile. “You have the face of my mother.” The man wasn't young; he wore a turban and spoke with a heavy accent; he was far from his childhood home. I imagine it's been many years since he last saw his mother. I drove away with tears in my eyes. The gift he gave me that day was precious as water itself. This is why we're alive – for moments like this… What a beautiful line, This is why we're alive – for moments like this… I'll come back to it in a little bit Her encounter with the gas station attendant reminded me of a similar event I experienced last summer. A similar encounter My wife Janet and I wanted to get together with our three local grandkids, so we offered to take them out to dinner one evening. They wanted to go to Mod Pizza. It's one of those chain restaurants where you go through a line and they make a personal pizza for each person. It looks like an assembly line where they add any of the ingredients you want onto your pizza, and then they stick it in a blazing stone oven. You go sit down at a table and they call you when your individual pizza is done and out of the oven. So there we were in line, Janet, our three adult-size grandkids all taller than her, and me at the end of the line. As we waited, we joked around with each other until it was our turn to order. One by one each person in our party told the pizza preparer the ingredients they each wanted on their pizza. The person behind the counter making our pizzas was a friendly sort in her mid-20s; working a part-time job was my guess. I was last in line and when it came to my turn to order, she looked up at me from the last pizza she had just finished, smiled, and said in a surprised and cheerful tone. “Oh, you look just like my father.” I smiled back at her and quickly bantered with her saying, “I bet he is a very handsome man." She paused briefly, and then smiled again and said wistfully, “Yeah, he was. He died 6 months ago. You remind me of him.” A reflective moment I don't remember what I said next. Did I say “Oh, I'm sorry for your loss?” I don't remember. I was so taken by her smile and the nostalgic expression on her face that spoke volumes about her relationship with her father. Here is a young woman who loved her father, who felt loved by him, and who was so very grateful for this loving relationship they shared. It was all over her face. I enjoy being with our grandkids every time we're together. But all I could of the rest of this evening was this 20-something pizza preparer. Her smile told me her father must have been a good man, a good father. It was a bittersweet moment to be thought of  like him. I felt honored. It made me wonder how I'll be remembered by my wife and kids, and grandkids when I'm gone. What will they think of me 6 months after the funeral? Will they smile fondly as the pizza preparer did to me? “This is why we're alive - for moments like this.” Earlier I mentioned that I was taken by the line from Susan Cain's email that I quoted, “This is why we're alive - for moments like this.” We all leave something of ourselves behind, intentionally or not. Something of ourselves that blesses people and invokes gratitude, or sadly, sometimes just the opposite. We're connected with each other more than we realize. I would like to be remembered for how I related to people. Was I kind to others? Did I bring out the best in people? Was I humble? Above all, did I reflect well the character of God, which is why I was brought into the world in the first place? It's why you and Susan Cain were brought into the world, as well. It's the best way to be remembered after we've left this life. Sometimes that's all we need to know about who we are and how we are to live. This is why we're alive - for moments like this. Another connection point Getting back to Susan Cain's email and her story about the gas station attendant, she said If you've had an experience like this (or a distant cousin to this), I would love to hear about it. (I read every single one of your e-mails, and do my best to reply to some of them.) So I wrote back to her and summarized the story I just told you about the pizza preparer who said I reminded her of her father who died six months earlier. A week later I received an email from a person by the name of Renee, who indicated she was Susan Cain's chief of Staff. Her email said, Dear John --  Susan read and loved your letter. It gave her goosebumps!  She asked me to tell you she was so happy you wrote to her and that you're part of our community. We wish you the very best!  — R My best, Renee Here's another connection. My mother's name was Renee. She died 10 years ago. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? I think God used the 20-something pizza preparer to cause me to reflect on how I want to be remembered. I thought her father is someone I'd like to be like. Where 6 months after my funeral, the family will be out for pizza and they'll see someone that reminds them of me. And it will bring a smile to everyone's face. I can't control what their response will be after I'm gone. What I can control now is my behavior, attitude, and values which gives me the best chance of being remembered well. The same is true for you, too. How do you want to be remembered? It's not too late to start being the person you want to be. And if you're about 80% there, rejoice and be glad in the progress you've made. Trust God to help you with the other 20% as you get closer to the finish line. If you forget everything else from today's episode, here's the one thing I hope you remember It's wise to think now about how you will be remembered. You still have time to become the best version of yourself that will make people smile after you're gone. Closing Before we wrap up today's show, if you'd like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you're dealing with, I'd love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you'd rather put your question in writing, enter it in the Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think about how you want to be remembered, and what you might need to do to make that happen. For when you think and reflect upon things like this, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Remind them of someone good in their life. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories for People 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Susan Cain's books Bittersweet - How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole Quiet - The Power of Introverts in A World That Can't Stop Talking Last week's episode 195: Words Matter All past and future episodes:   JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    195: Words Matter

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 25, 2023 11:40


    In today's program, I'm going to share three listener responses to recent episodes. I'm doing so because your words matter to me, and to our other listeners, as well. Keep listening, and you'll pick up an idea or two to try with your relationships. Be sure to stick around to the end to hear a story of how a listener applied what she heard in one of our recent shows that made a difference in her life. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. A listener responds to “The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023.” The first listener response I'm sharing is in reference to episode 193, “ The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023.” It comes from Randy, a listener from Pittsburgh. He writes: “Good morning John, I listened this morning to this week's You Were Made for This. I appreciated how you described an approach to engaging with scripture. It reminded me of what I've been doing for the last year, since bringing Tiana into our family. (Tiana is their new family dog) As I am reading passages, I place a mark when I've completed a section. I also have my stack of prayer cards I use as my bookmark. “ Thanks for your feedback, Randy. I should add that in the show notes for that week's episode, I included a photo of me reading the Bible, with our new cat, Father Patrick O'Malley, sitting on my lap. So I think that may have reminded Randy of doing the same thing with their dog. And good luck with your new pal, Randy! Words matter in the Bible - Listen, rather than read them Another listener, Darlene, also offered her take on the same episode about Bible reading. She offered a different approach that I will have to try. Darlene writes, “This is the second year I've been doing the Daily Audio Bible (DAB) with Brian, Jill, and their daughter, China Hardin.  Last year I decided to listen to the chronological reading with Jill and China. That was my first chronological experience. Very interesting. We didn't get to the New Testament until October. “This year I am doing the read-through with Brian Hardin who reads portions of the OT, NT, PS, and PROV each day.  He is excellent with his brief overviews after each daily reading. What I also like is that every week he reads from a different translation. “I think I've read through the Bible once. It is a challenge not to get behind. The audio is great as I can play it each morning while getting ready.” Thank you, Darlene, for your comments about reading the 66 books of the Bible in chronological order, and also for the idea of listening to an audio version of the Bible. I'll have a link to the Daily Audio Bible near the end of the show notes. It includes a free app for your mobile device and a web player for your computer. How words matter to this listener The last listener feedback I'm sharing with you today comes from Rosy Scott in response to episode 192, “Word of the Year for 2023 - Read” As I read her comments, you'll see how words matter a great deal to her. Listen to the impact they had on her recently. Rosy writes, “John, “I really like the simplicity of your word of the year. In past years I've chosen a motivating word, but within months could not even remember what I had picked. “I listened to this episode twice in the past two days and have landed on my own simple word for 2023. This year I am choosing ‘words' for my own word of the year. “Words are a renewable resource that cost me so little to share. When I am generous with them, they often brighten my own soul as much as the recipient. “It is surprising how often taking a chance and offering the gift of words brings a positive result far greater than the painless effort. “Words have the power to give life and cause pain. I have experienced both this year and can testify that when I share words of kindness, there is no better medicine for my own wounds or loneliness. Words matter with strangers “Just this morning as I began a morning jog down a familiar street, an unexpected stranger waved. Then she called out to me with a smile ‘enjoy your run!' “Those simple but generous words fueled me to stop two blocks later to talk for just a minute with another person I've occasionally seen walking her 3-legged dog for the last many months. “Thanks to words, both of us parted with smiles in our hearts as those easy sixty seconds, combined with some previously shared words, pointed us toward potential friendship. “Thanks to your words John, I am going to be more intentional about using words to connect with both strangers and friends. “And thanks to lessons I learned the hard way in 2022, treat words with the healthy fear and respect they deserve. “Perhaps 2023 will become my year to use words for healing and repair, instead of destruction which comes so much easier than I am often willing to admit. Until the damage has already been done. “Thank you for your generosity with words via your podcast and weekly email! Blessings to you in the coming year…” And thank you, Rosy, for your beautifully written words. I love the examples you give of their power to bless people. May you, and the rest of us, hear kind, empowering, and compassionate WORDS spoken to us this year. And may we speak these same kinds of words ourselves to others who need to hear them. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Words matter. Our words to others and their words to us. They have the power to bless or destroy. Be careful what we speak, hear, and read. Use them wisely and with care to bless others and ourselves. Treasure the truth we find in them. Closing Before we wrap up today's show, if you'd like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you're dealing with, I'd love to hear from you. Just go to the contact page on our website, johncertalic.com to let me know what's on your mind. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and enter them in the Leave a Comment box. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to treasure the truth we find in the words we speak, and those we hear. Because words matter. When you do this, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. You Were Made for This, as you know by now. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows Daily Audio Bible - https://dailyaudiobible.com/ Episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Episode 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's show 194: Martin Luther King, jr. - The Silence of Our Friends All past and future episodes: JohnCertalic.com/podcast Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    194: Martin Luther King - The Silence of Our Friends

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 18, 2023 14:54


    Here in the US, the third Monday of January is a national holiday to honor Dr. Martin Luther King, jr., the civil rights leader. I recently came across one of his quotes where he said “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ” I've seen the truth of his comment played out several times in my life. It's what I talk about in today's episode because it speaks to a relational skill we would do well to master. But first, Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The day our pastor yelled at me When I first read the quote from Martin Luther King an incident popped up into my mind, like a jack-in-the-box that just sprung loose. It was the time the silence of my friends drowned out the words of my “enemy.” It happened the night the pastor of the church yelled at me. A deacon board meeting at church (we had no elder board at the time) A concern we talked about that evening was people leaving the church The 8 of us sat at several tables arranged in a horseshoe. I suggested we contact those leaving and ask why. Do exit interviews The pastor got angry, and while pounding his fist on a table said to me, “We don't need to do that. I know why people are leaving. It's families where the wife wears the pants in the family. Those are the people who are leaving the church!” His take on the problem was completely inaccurate. His anger caught me and everyone else off guard. I never considered him my “enemy.” But what struck me most about that evening and what I remember to this day was the “silence of my friends” sitting at that board meeting with me. Without regard to the pastor's analysis of the issue, which in my view was woefully inaccurate, no one said anything in the meeting. Notjhing about his yelling at me and pounding his fist on the table. Even if you agreed with the pastor's view, it was inappropriate to respond as he did. The silence of our friends No one said a word to him, or to me, and I felt like I was hanging in the wind because no one called the pastor out for his outburst Who are these people I thought? Are they that weak? Days latter an older man on the board, my father's age, did tell me privately that the pastor's reaction to my suggestion was totally inappropriate. But he said nothing at the meeting As I think about that night, I think about the times I've been weak myself in failing to speak the truth when someone needed defending. I can think of two occasions where I failed to stand up strongly enough for two different youth pastors in two different churches. Both of these guys were great youth pastors. In one case, the board was legalistic and intolerant of new ways of doing youth ministry, and in the other, the senior pastor was intimidated by how gifted his youth pastor was in relating to people, and in his preaching, which was superior to his own. Others who spoke for me when I couldn't speak for myself These examples of “the silence of our friends” reminds me of several times when people actually did stand up for me. When they spoke for me. As a high school student, an English teacher recognized that I was capable of higher-level academic work and advocated for me to be placed on a more advanced track. In my book, THEM, I write about a guidance counselor who was able to get financial aid for me to attend college 250 miles from home when I had no hope of ever getting any help. It's no exaggeration to say that what she did changed the course of my life. For the better. There are times in life when we could all use an advocate. And there are times when God presents us with opportunities to be an advocate for others. To speak on their behalf when they can't speak for themselves. Ending my silence to speak for those who couldn't A number of years ago I was at an annual meeting of the church we were attending. These are normally pretty dull affairs, at least for me. But in this particular meeting, there was a discussion about a missionary couple the church had been supporting for many years. The plan at this meeting was to stop supporting this couple because they were “retiring” and moving back to the US. People seemed in favor of this idea. But I knew this coupleI knew that their definition of “retiring” was to return back to the US and continue the Bible translation work they had been doing for people groups in Asia for several decades. They didn't need to be in Asia to do their work, but they still planned to travel back there on occasion. They were going to be working just as hard in the US as they were in Asia. I'm not one to speak up in meetings like this, but I did this time. I couldn't sit in silence while decisions were made about them. Fortunately, that original proposal was dropped, and their support continued. Speaking up for teenagers I was a teacher back in the ‘70s at a high school in a semi-rural area in S.E. Wisconsin Kids, mostly boys complained about the poor condition of the student parking lot behind the school. Lots of potholes. Suspension systems being ruined. It was a mess. The students voiced their complaints, but nothing was done to correct the problem My solution: check with the police and see if there is anything prohibiting parking along the highway in front of the school. If it's legal to park there, start doing that and see what happens. So that's what they did. It caught the attention of everyone. Within a couple of months, the city passed a “no parking” ordinance and put up signs along the highway in front of the school. Eventually, the parking lot was repaired. It brought me joy seeing these kids getting their voices heard. Their actions broke the silence of the school administration in ways their words could not. It's been decades since this happened and several years ago I happened to be driving past this old high school where I taught and saw that the “No Parking” signs are still there. So what does all this mean for YOU? It's just a couple of days past the Martin Luther King holiday here in the US, and it makes me wonder how the quote of his I mentioned in the beginning has been part of your experience. Where you remember not so much the words of your enemies as you do the silence of your friends. It also makes me wonder if you are anything like me, where your silence, is like mine. And it has kept you from speaking up for someone who can't speak for themself. Is there anyone you think God may want you to advocate for? We certainly are not to speak up about everything. And many times the wisest thing to do is to sit in our silence and watch what happens. It takes Godly wisdom to know when to speak, and when to remain silent. Here's the main of the episode I hope you take away with you Here in the week where we honor Martin Luther King, jr. let's take his words to heart and not become one of those he mentions in his statement, “We remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Let's pray for wisdom to know when, and how, to speak up and give voice to those who can't speak for themself. Closing Before we wrap up today's show, if you'd like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you're dealing with, I'd love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you'd rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the "Leave a Comment" box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about speaking up for others who need you. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes. Then click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others The place to access all past and future episode:  JohnCertalic.com Last week's episode 193: The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023 Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    193: The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 11, 2023 13:31


    Last week's episode, number 192, was about my pick for word for the year: Read. If you're not much of a reader and can only tackle one book this year, I suggest read the Bible. Some people follow a Bible Reading plan that gets them through the entire book in one year. But if you're an underachiever like me, I've got a more manageable, guilt-free way to read the Bible. Keep listening to learn what it is and how it could work for you. But before we get into all this, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Intimidated by Pat Boone I recently read a Wall Street Journal article about Pat Boone entitled “Last of the Hollywood Squares.” It was about how this actor, whom I'm guessing is about 420 years old by now, has capitalized on his squeaky-clean image throughout his career. He stands in stark contrast to the typical Hollywood actor that comes to mind these days. The article talked about Pat Boone's faith and that he has read through the entire Bible for each of the past 40 years. 40 Years! Yikes! Read through the Bible in a year People like this intimidate me. I've read through the entire Bible I think 3 times. But I'm clearly an underachiever when compared to Pat Boone. I followed a Bible reading plan that each day of the year included chapters from the old testament, the new testament, and the book of psalms. I would read the selected passages for the day, and then put a checkmark in the box next to that day's reading. I'm glad I did this. I saw themes and issues that repeated themselves that gave me insight as to what is important to God, which in turn showed me how I should then live. If you like feeling a sense of accomplishment, this type of plan works well. The downside to this reading plan for underachievers like me is that some days I'm just reading to be able to check off the box that I completed the task. Some days I was reading just to read, and not to draw closer to God and understand him better. That's the underachiever in me. Another downside, if this is the first time you're considering reading through the Bible in a year, is that we're already 11 days into the new year as of the date of this episode. It puts you 11 days behind most Bible reading plans. Another option But I have an alternative I'd like you to consider. Last summer I came across an idea from a Bible teacher I heard at a Christian family camp we've been going to for years. As an aside to whatever he was talking about that day, he said in passing, “If you want to get to know Jesus better, read just 3 chapters a day from the Gospels, and you'll finish all four of them in a month.” I started doing that on September 1, but by the middle of the month I got behind, and then on some days couldn't figure out where I ended the day before so I could start the next day's reading. As an underabhvier, this was not surprising. So I came up with a slightly different Bible reading plan. This one could work for you, too. My Underachievers Bible reading plan for 2023 is to still stick with just reading a portion of the four gospels every day this year. It will mean going over the four Gospels several times during the course of 2023. The difference between this plan and the one from the Bible teacher I heard last summer, is that sometimes I'll read 3 chapters in a day, sometimes 2, and maybe even 4 chapters. Plus, it's easier to keep track of. Here's how it works. Here's how it works Open your Bible and start reading the first complete chapter that begins on the page on your left. Continue reading onto the page on the right side. Start any new chapter that starts on the right-hand page, and don't stop until you've completed reading the chapter. This will usually mean turning the page, and finishing up that chapter on the next page on your left. You stop here for the day. Tomorrow, you pick up where you left off with a new complete chapter on the page on your left. It's rinse and repeat every day. For example, today I opened my Bible to the page where I placed the burgundy bookmark ribbon yesterday after finishing that day's reading. I'm in the Gospel of John at the moment. The left page continues the text from the end of John 12 from yesterday's reading. I started today's reading with the first complete chapter on the left-hand page, chapter 13. It continues onto the right page and ends there. Chapter 14 starts here, and then I turn the page to get to the rest of chapter 14, which ends in the middle of the page and where I stop for the day. I place my bookmark here, which tells me where I start the next day. So you start each day with a new complete chapter, and you end each day finishing a chapter. Using a bookmark eliminates the need to check off a box for a pre-determined reading for a particular day. If you're a box checker-offer, type, this approach may not work for you. But for underachievers like me, this bible reading plan works well for getting to know Jesus better. Here's what I've noticed I've been doing this for four months now, just reading through the four gospels multiple times as I've described. Here are a few things I've noticed in my reading. The story never gets old. It's like looking at a painting several times over a period of time and seeing something new each time you see it again. I've seen how much Jesus spoke against the religious leaders of the day and their hypocrisy. How they misled people and were out to hold onto the power they had over people How much Jesus loved people The lengths to which Jesus used simple stories to illustrate profound truths How a relationship with Jesus is not as hard as we make it. In John 6:28-29 a crowd of people who weren't quite sure what they thought of Jesus say to him. “…we want to perform God's work, too. What should we do? Jesus replies, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.” Let that sink in for a minute. Religion at times makes it harder to get to know Jesus. I don't remember where in the gospels I read it, but there's a scene where the disciple are walking with Jesus around town and pointing out buildings to him. I find this humorous and wonder if the gospel writer saw it too, this guided tour telling Jesus what he was already well aware of. It made me chuckle. So what does all this mean for YOU? I've said it many times before that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. The most important relationship is our relationship with Jesus. Following a bible reading plan, any plan, helps nurture that relationship. You will find more joy in life the more you read about Jesus and what he tells you. He will be the most impactful person you can read about this year. Take time to discover more about Him this year, a little each day, following a bible reading plan. Here's the main idea I hope you take away from today's episode Reading through the whole Bible this year is one of the most enriching things you can do for yourself. But if this seems too daunting a task right now, give reading 2 or 3 chapters a day from the Gospels a try. Cut yourself some slack, and it's okay if you miss a day here and there. Closing Before we wrap up today's show, if you'd like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you're dealing with, I'd love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you'd rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future show. In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice a Bible reading plan to get to know Jesus better. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Ask people what they're reading these days. Tell them what you're reading. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 192: Word of the Year for 2023 - Read The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    192: Word of the Year for 2023: Read

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 4, 2023 14:01


    I received an email recently from a fellow podcaster. He mentioned how he picks a word at the beginning of January to help him stay focused for the year. His 2022 word of the year was “celebrate.” For 2023 he chose “authentic.” Apparently lots of people are choosing a word of the year for themselves. I googled the phrase “Word of the Year for 2023” and found 1,060,000,000 entries. Keep listening to hear my pick for word of the year for 2023 and what it could mean for you. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Word of the Year for 2023 Some people like to pick a word for the year at the end of the year to summarize what life has been like for them over the past 12 months. The dictionary people at Merriam-Webster, for example, chose “gaslighting” as their word of the year for 2022. They say it has come to mean “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage.” The word has an interesting origin and a more robust definition, but we'll have to save that for another episode. Like my podcaster friend, though, I would rather come up with a word of the year at the beginning of the year, not at the end. So my pick for word of the year for 2023 is “Read.” Why “Read”? Here's why I picked this word, rather than any number of other worthwhile words. It starts with a quote I recently came across that I've found to be so insightful. It comes from William Nicholson, the playwright most famous for his play, Shadowlands, the story of C.S. Lewis and his relationship with Joy Gresham whom he eventually marries. Again that's a subject for another podcast. Be that as it may, Nicholson says “We read to know we are not alone.” I find this rather profound. It speaks to the issue of loneliness which plagues many of us, me included, and offers a remedy. We read to know we are not alone. A text I read recently Here is an example of something I read recently about someone's experience that resonated with me, and reminded me I'm not alone. It's a text I received that I've altered slightly to protect the privacy of a listener who wrote it. I'll call her Emily. She writes Well, I just listened to your Podcast 187, “Angels We Have Heard On High.” You asked if anyone wanted to share a Christmas Memory. You did have a deadline, and I missed it. However, I wanted to share with you what I discovered when I asked my husband James if he had a joyful Christmas memory that stood out in his mind. He thought and thought and couldn't come up with one. So now I understand why he has never been excited about Christmas in our 52 years of marriage. Has never done any Christmas shopping…didn't participate in any decorating…I cannot remember getting a gift that he shopped for…and at work, he was known as the “grinch.” It caused more stress in our relationship which ultimately caused me to stop Christmas shopping, and I do very little decorating. So, thanks to you, John, I at least now understand “why.” Greater appreciation of people comes from reading their story I so identify with both people in this little story. Like, James. I can't think of a joyful Christmas memory from my childhood. I have many as an adult, but none as a kid. But I also got the sense that James has no adult joyful memories of Christmas either. I feel fortunate that I've been able to not let the dysfunctional part of my past interfere with the joy of the present. On the one hand, I felt encouraged by what I read in Emily's text. I so easily could have been like her husband James, and her text reminded me of how blessed I am that God saved me from being stuck in my past. I wish the same would be true for James. And at the same time, I feel sad for Emily because her husband hampers her Christmas experience, and sadness for the stress it has caused her. I admire people like Emily who choose to honor her marriage vows despite the conflicts and pain that arise from time to time. How many marriages do you know that have lasted 52 years? The Word of the Year for me in 2023, “Read,” gives me a greater appreciation for the values and character of the people like Emily who cross my path. And it only happened because of something I read, namely her text. A joyful email I read Another podcast listener, Marilyn from Minnesota, has written to me before. This time she wrote to share a joyful Christmas memory, even though it came in after the Christmas deadline. But I'm going to share it anyway. I loved reading it, and I think you'll love hearing it. It's a story her mother told her. Marilyn writes, My grandfather was born and raised in England where he was apprenticed as a "shipwright," a finish carpenter on large ships. When he immigrated to the US at age 21, he settled in a place far from big ships. He became a "finish carpenter" in homes in northern Indiana. The Great Depression hit his business hard as people decided to save the money they had for necessities. There was a lake near grandpa's home and he took a job in the winter cutting huge blocks of ice from the lake for use in refrigeration. During this most difficult financial year, there was no money to buy a real Christmas tree (the only option at that time). On Christmas Eve, he was walking home after cutting ice on Cedar Lake. There it was, lying in a heap, a discarded Christmas tree, complete with tinsel. Apparently, a family was heading to relatives elsewhere and didn't want to come home to a dried-up Christmas tree in their house. Grandpa took the tree home, set it up, and surprised his family the next morning with everything needed for a joyous celebration! God is at work in the stories we read Marilyn doesn't mention “God” at all in her grandfather's story, but can't you see God's hand in providing an unexpected Christmas tree at the last minute for this poor family? I would love to have been in the house on Christmas morning when everyone woke up to see that tinsel-laden Christmas tree. Imagine the joy that would have filled the room. There are so many reasons why “read” is my vote for Word of The Year for 2023. One is that when we read stories of the lives of others, like the one Marilyn shared about her grandfather, we often see God at work. And when we see examples of God at work in the lives of others, it gives us hope that he is at work in our life as well. Reading her story about the Christmas tree reminds me of the verse in the Bible, John 5:17, where Jesus tells the Pharisees, “My Father is always working, and so am I.” So what does what you've heard today mean for YOU? If my Word of the Year for 2023 (read) doesn't resonate with you, what word does? You have a lot to choose from. If you see possibilities in read for 2023, what are you going to read? Today I only talked about the benefits of reading someone's text, and another person's email. We haven't gotten into the rewards that come from reading books, newspapers, blogs, magazines, or other forms of the written word. I'll share more about this in next week's episode. But for now, what are you going to read so that you know you are not alone? Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode “Read” is a good choice for Word of The Year for 2023. Reading what others experience connects us with people. Reading reminds us that we're not alone in the struggles we face and that God is at work in them for our good. Do you have a relationship question? Would you like some input regarding a relationship issue? If so, go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer. If you'd rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Feel free to send me an email, or enter your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the end of the show notes. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to set aside time to read. Go to a library and check out a book or two. Visit a bookstore. If you make “Read” your Word of the Year for 2023 it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Tell a few people about what you're reading. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 191: Wanting the Joy of Christmas to Linger Awhile? The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    191: Wanting the Joy of Christmas to Linger Awhile?

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 28, 2022 19:29


    You're out there, I know you are. I can see you. You're not quite ready to say goodbye to Christmas this year. You want the joy of Christmas to linger just a little while longer. I get it. I've got your back in today's show. Keep listening, this one's for you. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Christmas memories To keep the joy of Christmas rolling, I'll start by reading a joyful Christmas memory shared by one of our listeners. Chris wrote: A Christmas memory that stands out for me is going to a Christmas tree farm near Cross Plains, Wisconsin where we lived with dad and my siblings. I remember walking quite a bit to choose just the right tree, cutting it with our own saw, dragging it to the car and taking it home to decorate. Then Kim, another listener, shared this joyful Christmas memory of hers: My memory is going to my grandma's house at Christmas and seeing her tree. She had a special ornament on her tree for every family member.. when we would get to her house we would always look for our ornament. Our name was written on the ornament. When my husband came into my life and when each of my children were born she designated an ornament for each of them. When she left her home she gave each family their ornaments. I now treasure those ornaments on my tree. Lastly, Chris shared another Christmas memory when he wrote: My grandparents had a beautiful old Swiss chalet on five acres in Madison Highlands with large rooms and high ceilings. The tree needed to be so large to fill the space that Papa would select a huge tree and cut off the top for our use.This worked out nicely for him because it served to also reopen the view of Lake Mendota in the distance from his property. The places Chris refers to are in and around Madison, Wisconsin in the US. Thanks for the memories So Chris and Mary, thanks for sharing those Christmas memories. The theme I see in all of them is the joy of relationships. Chris with his dad and siblings, Kim with her grandmother, and Chris again with his grandparents. Previous episodes about the joy of Christmas Now for those of you who aren't quite ready to say to put Christmas 2022 in the rearview mirror, I went back into our archives of past episodes and pulled out 13 of them that specifically deal with Christmas. I've posted their titles and the links to them in the show notes, and I'll say a little about each one to help you decide if you want to listen to one or more of them. If you're driving to the store to return Christmas presents and aren't prepared to write the links down, I've made it easy for you. Each of these episodes can be accessed by going to JohnCertalic.com/ followed by the 3-digit episode number I'll give you. I'll start with the oldest episodes first and end with the most recent Christmas shows. And of course, this will all be in the show notes of this episode for you to look up. The Gift of Even Though, JohnCertalic.com/004 I'll start with the episode entitled “The Gift of Even Though” found at JohnCertalic.com/004. And that's spelled John with an “h”, and Certalic, C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c. JohnCertalic.com/004. It was the first of 3 related to Christmas gifts a few years ago. This particular episode is about a phone conversation I had with our 93-year-old friend Lorraine. We first met when Janet and I were freshmen in college. She and her husband Vern wanted to have children but weren't able to, and we were like the children - now adults - she never had. In a phone conversation with Lorraine, she talked about how grateful she was for the rich life she had lived, even though…she was not able to have what she truly wanted. I shared the 5 values Janet and I learned from this childless couple a generation older than us. Values we learned from watching how they lived. They were a great gift to us by showing how to live even though the desires of one's heart are never met. It's one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/004. The Gift of Joy - Part 1, JohnCertalic.com/005 The second Christmas episode on my list is “The Gift of Joy - Part 1,” found at JohnCertalic.com/005. It's an answer to the question, “What do I do when I need more joy in my life?” The answer is to share in the joy others experience, even when it has nothing to do with you. I tell two stories that show how to do this. One of which brought tears to my eyes. It's one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/005. End the Year with Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/006 Next on my list of the joy of Christmas episodes is “End the Year with Christmas Joy, found at JohnCertalic.com/006. In this show, I talk about how joy is more like a cat than a dog. Let that sink in for a minute. Listen to this one to learn how joy is more like a cat than a dog. This leads to a story about the joy of Christmas found in a flash mob that appeared out of nowhere at a shopping mall food court a few weeks before Christmas. A choir dressed like all the other shoppers springs out from amongst the crowd to sing a rousing rendition of the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel's Messiah. I share a newspaper article about the event and what a moving experience it was for many who were there, and the joy of Christmas it brought into people's lives. I include a link to the YouTube video of the flash mob scene near the bottom of the show notes for episode 006. If you're feeling down for whatever reason, do yourself a favor and watch the video clip. It's one of my favorites. Again, go to JohnCertalic.com/006 for all the details. Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made, JohnCertalic.com/045 On to the next one on the list. For me, the joy of Christmas would not be complete without watching the greatest Christmas movie ever made, It's a Wonderful Life! In episode 045 I summarize the plot of the film, and then explain the relationship lessons that are rich gems below the surface of the storyline, namely: Before is often better than now People need our prayers Good leaders are good with relationships Keenly observing people enables us to help them That which bothers us most often reveals the idols in our life Relationships have the power to calm our hearts in the midst of stress and turmoil When we pray for a solution to a problem, God often provides one we never could have imagined This really is one of my favorite episodes. I could do a weekend workshop just on these seven relationship lessons from the movie. JohnCertalic.com/045. Where Joy to the World is Found, JohnCertalic.com/046 Moving on, Episode 046 is “Where Joy to the World is Found.” Here's a line from that show that summarizes what it's all about: look for joy in the ordinary, in the simple, that's hiding in plain sight right in front of us all year round. It's in the ordinary where the joy of Christmas is found. Go to JohnCertalic.com/046 to listen in and see how. It's one of my favorites. What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day, JohnCertalic.com/047 Then we have “What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day” in episode 047. It's where I comment on the Christmas Story found in Luke 2:1-20 in the Bible. Relationships are what Mary treasured most, and it's these relationships that make the joy of Christmas like no other event in human history. The implications of these relationships are what Mary pondered and treasured in her heart, and thought about them often. It's one my all-time favorites. A Christmas Gift of Silence, JohnCertalic.com/080 Moving on, episode 080, “A Christmas Gift of Silence,“ focuses on an early player in the joy of Christmas story - Zechariah. I talk about why he was silenced, and what we learn from Zechariah's mistake. The main point of this show is trust God and what he says, even when it defies logic, human wisdom, and experience. Silence can be a real gift as you'll hear in episode 080. This is one of my favorite episodes. A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, JohnCertalic.com/081 Next is “A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection,” in episode 081. Here I discuss the personal connection between Mary and her cousin Elizabeth, and the gift of having people in our life who ”get us.” This gift certainly adds to the joy of Christmas. Elizabeth and Mary connect with each other even though there's a large age gap between the two of them. The close relationship they each have with God makes this possible. There's is a triangulated relationship in the best sense of the word. Relationships like this are a great gift we can give each other. Check it out at JohnCertalic.com/081. Be sure to check this one out; it's one of my favorites. A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, JohnCertalic.com/082 Following episode 081 is “ A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, “ in episode 082. It's about anticipating the joy of Christmas. The beginning of the Christmas story found in Luke's Gospel account is just dripping with anticipation, and the joy that comes with it. I make the point that the deeper we know Jesus and what he's already done for us, the more joy there is in anticipating what he will do in the future. It's a great Christmas gift. I really like this one, and I think you will, too. The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community, JohnCertalic.com/083 Moving on, episode 083 is the only joy of Christmas show where I interview someone. In “The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community” I interview Josephine, a single missionary serving in Eastern Europe. She talks about being in her apartment alone in her pajamas at Christmas, some 5,000 miles from home. But then, a group of her local musician friends invite her out to play Christmas music. They did it to honor her. She talks at length about the personal meaning of Emmanuel - “God with us.” She sees it in the shepherds on that first Christmas night and their need for community. I really enjoyed this. It's one of my favorites. A Better Kind of Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/134 Next is episode 134, “ A Better Kind of Christmas Joy.” It's about the characters at the beginning of the Christmas story, Zechariah, Elizabeth, and Mary. How they interact with God and each other is another way we too can experience the joy of Christmas. I enjoyed digging beneath the surface of the storyline to see how each of these characters develop. I'm pretty sure you're going to like this one. It's one of my favorite episodes. Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy, JohnCertalic.com/135 Next up is “Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy,” episode 135. It's about Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. I call him the Marcel Marceau of the New Testament because there's no record of him saying anything. Yet this behind-the-scenes kind of guy makes a significant contribution to the joy of Christmas by the example he sets. His actions speak volumes about what good men do in their relationships. I really love this episode, and I think you will too. JohnCertalic.com/135. Make it a Mary Christmas this Year, JohnCertalic.com/136 Finally, “Make it a Mary Christmas this Year,” you will find at JohnCertalic.com/136. And that's Mary, spelled M-a-r-y. It's about the Virgin Mary's perspective of that first Christmas, and how she applied the ORA principle of deepening relationships we've talked about. The episode is about what she Observed, Reflected, and Acted upon. All things that apply to us today. Like all the others, this is one of my favorite shows. So what does all this mean for YOU? If you want the joy of Christmas to linger just a little while longer, listen to the episodes I described. They will help carry you through the days ahead. They'll show you principles of healthy relationships you can put into practice every day of the year. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode The joy of Christmas is the joy of Jesus coming to us so one day we can go to be with him, fully transformed into the person we were meant to be. You were made for this. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Especially if there's a particular past episode you found especially meaningful. You can send me an email, or share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes of this episode. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. I'll close with a sign I saw yesterday at my eye doctor's office. Next to the receptionist's desk were two small blocks, one on top of the other, that read “Spread Kindness.” I've been thinking about that since, and it's something I'm trying to act on. I hope you do the same. Spread kindness. And I'll see you again next year on January 4th, for the first episode of 2023. Goodbye for now. The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world. Links to the Christmas episodes mentioned The Gift of Even Though JohnCertalic.com/004 The Gift of Joy - Part 1 JohnCertalic.com/005 The Gift of Joy - Part 2 JohnCertalic.com/006 Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made JohnCertalic.com/045 Where Joy to the World is Found JohnCertalic.com/046 What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day JohnCertalic.com/047 A Christmas Gift of Silence JohnCertalic.com/080 A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection JohnCertalic.com/081 A Christmas Gift of Anticipation JohnCertalic.com/082 The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community JohnCertalic.com/083 A Better Kind of Christmas Joy JohnCertalic.com/134 Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy JohnCertalic.com/135 Make it a Merry Christmas this Year JohnCertalic.com/136 End the Year with Christmas Joy JohnCertalic.com/138  

    190: The Christmas Story In 2022

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 25, 2022 4:24


    The Christmas story in 2022, as with the first one centuries ago, is all about Jesus. Mary treasured all its many details, thought about them often, and pondered them in her heart. May we do the same. Here's the original Christmas story as recorded in Luke's Gospel, just as it happened. The Birth of Jesus At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census. And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David's ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. He took with him Mary, his fiancée, who was now obviously pregnant. And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them. That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord's glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don't be afraid!” he said. Good News of Great Joy “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger. “Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.” When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let's go to Bethlehem! Let's see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them. ~ Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV) Merry Christmas, everyone. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation 136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 189: O Holy Night - An Unusual History The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.  

    189: O Holy Night - An Unusual History

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 21, 2022 13:46


    My favorite church experience is singing “O Holy Night” at a Christmas Eve service. Many churches will turn off the lights and pass out candles that are lit as the song begins. It's quite moving. Today's episode is about the interesting and surprising history of “O Holy Night.” But first this: Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. "O Holy Night" The words to “ O Holy Night” were written in 1843 by Placide Cappeau, a French wine merchant and poet. Although he was never particularly religious, Cappeau was asked by a local parish priest to write a Christmas poem to celebrate the recent renovation of the church organ in his hometown. The poem was entitled “Midnight, Christians.” Four years later in 1847 his friend, Adolphe Adam, wrote music to accompany the lyrics creating the song initially titled, “Cantique de Noel,” or “Christmas Carol” in English. Adam was a French composer and music critic who wrote mostly operas and ballets. Alongside the opera Giselle (1841), “O Holy Night” is one of his best-known works. “Cantique de Noel” (i.e., “Christmas Carol”) became popular in France and was sung in many Christmas services. But when Placide Cappeau left the church to join a socialist movement, and it was discovered that Adolphe Adams was a Jew, the French Catholic church leaders decided “Cantique de Noel” was “unfit for church services because of its lack of musical taste and total absence of the spirit of religion.” But even though the church no longer allowed the song in their services, the French people continued to sing it. An American perspective on “O Holy Night” Then in 1855, an American minister and writer, John Sullivan Dwight, saw something in the song that moved him beyond the story of the birth of Christ. An abolitionist, Dwight strongly identified with the lines of the third verse of the song “Truly he taught us to love one another; his law is love, and his gospel is peace. Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, and in his name all oppression shall cease.” He published his English translation of “O Holy Night” in his magazine, and the song quickly found favor in America, especially in the North during the Civil War. Back in France, the song continued to be banned by the church for almost two decades, while the people still sang “Cantique de Noel” at home. Legend has it that on Christmas Eve 1871, in the midst of fierce fighting between the armies of Germany and France, during the Franco-Prussian War, a French soldier suddenly jumped out of his muddy trench and began singing “Cantique de Noel.” Then a German soldier stepped into the open and answered the Frenchman's song with Martin Luther's “From Heaven Above to Earth I Come.” The story goes that the fighting stopped for the next twenty-four hours while the men on both sides observed a temporary peace in honor of Christmas day. There is no proof that this ever happened, but that's why it's a legend and a good story, never the less. One thing I couldn't find is how or when the title of this Christmas carol became “O Holy Night.” "O Holy Night" is a first Years later on Christmas Eve 1906, Reginald Fessenden–a 33-year-old university professor and former chief chemist for Thomas Edison–did something long thought impossible. Using a new type of generator, Fessenden spoke into a microphone and, for the first time in history, a man's voice was broadcast over the airwaves. And what did he say? He recited the beginning of the Christmas story found in chapter 2 of Luke's gospel, “And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed… After finishing his recitation of the birth of Christ, Fessenden picked up his violin and played “O Holy Night,” the first song ever sent through the air via radio waves. Starting as a poem requested by a local parish priest in 1843, which morphed into a song 4 years later, “O Holy Night” has a most interesting history. Written by a poet who later left the church, then given soaring melodies by a Jewish composer, and then brought to America and used in the anti-slavery movement, this beloved Christmas carol is sung by millions around the world today. Lyrics to “O Holy Night” O holy night, the stars are brightly shining, It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth; Long lay the world in sin and error pining, 'Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn; Chorus
 Fall on your knees, Oh hear the angel voices! 
O night divine! Oh night when Christ was born. O night, O holy night, O night divine. Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming; With glowing hearts by his cradle we stand: So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming, Here come the wise men from Orient land, The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger, In all our trials born to be our friend; Chorus
 He knows our need, To our weakness no stranger! Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend! Behold your King! your King! before him bend! Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is Love and His gospel is Peace; Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, And in his name all oppression shall cease, Sweet hymns of joy in grateful Chorus raise we; Let all within us praise his Holy name! Chorus Christ is the Lord, then ever! ever praise we! His pow'r and glory, evermore proclaim! His pow'r and glory, evermore proclaim! Sources https://www.classicfm.com/discover-music/occasions/christmas/o-holy-night-original-lyrics-composer-recordings/ (Stories Behind the Best-Loved Songs of Christmas”  Zondervan) https://www.christianity.com/wiki/holidays/what-is-the-meaning-and-story-behind-o-holy-night.html What does all this mean for you? “O Holy Night" reminds us of God's relentless creativity in pursuing all of us. Using a man who left his faith in God to write the lyrics, and a Jew who rejects Jesus, God uses this song, over 200 years old, for the purpose of drawing us to himself. "O Holy Night" isn't just about one night, Christmas night. It's about all the nights and days that follow. Nights where you are offered reconciliation and forgiveness for your sins. Nights of faith made possible by the birth of Jesus who knows your needs and weaknesses, and who teaches us to love one another. It's about nights of hope for the future because Christ entered our world to save us from ourselves. It's about nights of worship for all that the Lord has done for us. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode “O Holy Night" shows God's passion for making himself known. He uses music written by people who don't believe in him to comfort people who do. Closing Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. Merry Christmas everyone! Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation 136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 188: Joy to the World - The Unintended Christmas Carol The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    188: Joy to the World - The Unintended Christmas Carol

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 14, 2022 10:51


    In episode 187 last week I talked about the back story behind “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Today I pull the curtain back to look at the history behind another well-known Christmas carol, this one going back to 1719. It never started out to be a song, but before we get into all this, here's a word from another Christmas Carol, one of my favorites, my boss, Carol Steward. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Isaac Watts I'll start by talking about how “Joy to the World, one of the most famous Christmas Carols of all time,” came to be. It starts with the lyrics written in 1719 by hymn writer Isaac Watts. While he is appreciated today in church music circles, during his lifetime Watts was considered by many to be a disturbance of the status quo and even possibly a heretic for the lyrics he wrote. While he wasn't a heretic, he was a revolutionary. Watts grew up in a world where the music in every worship service consisted only of psalms or sections of Scripture put to music. Watts found the practice monotonous. To him, there was a lack of joy and emotion among the people in the pew as they sang. He described it like this, “To see the dull indifference, the negligent and thoughtless air that sits upon the faces of a whole assembly, while the psalm is upon their lips, might even tempt a charitable observer to suspect the fervency of their inward religion.” Yikes, this sounds like me many times. A Christmas carol from a poem I was surprised to learn that the lyrics for “Joy to the World” actually came out of a book of poetry Isaac Watts wrote, where each poem was based on a different psalm from the Bible. Rather than just translating the original Old Testament texts word for word, he adapted them to refer more explicitly to the work of Jesus as it had been revealed in the New Testament. The poetry book was never a best-seller, and the only remnants of it anyone can find is the second part of Psalm 98, which became the basis for “Joy to the World.” While meditating on Psalm 98, verse 4 gripped Watts: “Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth; break forth into joyous song and sing praises!” Watts had no intention of creating a hymn when he composed the verse for Psalm 98 as part of his book of poetry. But then in 1836 a man by the name of Lowell Mason composed a riveting melody for Watts' lyrics, which eventually became quite popular in the church. The lyrics Joy to the world, the Lord is come; Let earth receive her King! 
Let every heart prepare him room And heaven and nature sing! 
And heaven and nature sing . . . and heaven . . . and heaven . . . and nature sing.   Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns! Let men their songs employ 
While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains, 
Repeat the sounding joy . .  repeat the sounding joy! 
Repeat . . . repeat . . . the sounding joy!   No more let sins and sorrows grow, Nor thorns infest the ground; He comes to make his blessings flow 
Far as the curse is found . . fFar as the curse is found . . . Far as . . . far as . . . the curse is found!   He rules the world with truth and grace And makes the nations prove The glories of his righteousness And wonders of his love . . . and wonders of his love! And wonders . . . wonders . . . of his love! Hope for better days ahead The intent of Psalm 98 is to bring joy to people. “Joy to the World” inspires us to look forward to the future when sin and sorrow no longer play a part in our lives. Where no thorn infests the ground, and where we are caught up in the grace, glory, and love of God. So what does “Joy to the World” mean for you today It's been 300 years since the carol was written, but it still speaks to us today. It speaks to creating room in our hearts for Jesus, as the third line of the song declares, “Let every heart prepare him room.” No easy task these days with all the distractions we have keeping us from considering our relationship with God and how we should live in light of that relationship. The song speaks to the joy that is yours when you consider that God is in control, that he has defeated sin, and is making his blessings flow. One other thing that “Joy to the World” means is that we can experience joy no matter our circumstances. Yesterday morning I received a text from a missionary who has been serving in South America for many years. She wrote to tell me she just listened again to episode 155, “How to Find Joy No Matter What,” and that it blessed her again in the midst of the stresses of missionary life and relationships in general. To listen to it yourself, just go to JohnCertalic.com/155. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode What better time than this Christmas season to reflect upon how God delivered joy to the world by sending us His son, Jesus. Our relationship with Him is the source of lasting joy worth singing about. Relationship question of the month If you have a relationship question you'd like me to answer in an upcoming episode, please go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer. With your question, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. If you'd rather submit a written question, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to reflect upon the meaning of “Joy to the World.” For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Inject a measure of Christmas joy into the lives of others. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's show 155: How to Find Joy No Matter What 134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy 021: The Most Important Relationship of All https://www.crossway.org/articles/a-brief-history-of-joy-to-the-world/ https://galaxymusicnotes.com/pages/learn-the-story-behind-joy-to-the-world The Gospdel Coalition. "Joy to the World: A Christmas Hymn Reconsidered" Last week's episode 187: This Christmas Carol Invites You The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    187: This Christmas Carol Invites You

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 7, 2022 15:38


    It's hard to go anywhere this time of the year without hearing Christmas music. They really help set the mood for the holidays, which I love. The melodies of many of the traditional Christmas carols are fixed in our minds because we've heard them for years and years. But often the words are not. Who can remember the 3rd verse of “Silent Night,” for example? The lyrics of the really good Christmas carols have a relationship component to them worth considering this time of year. I'm going to talk about one of these carols in today's episode. But before we get into all this, here's a word from my favorite Christmas Carol, our executive producer, Carol Steward. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. Your host, John Certalic, is an award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Angels We Have Heard on High I have been hearing “Angels We Have Heard on High” as a Christmas Carol ever since I was a kid. I bet the same is true for you, too. It is an easily recognizable tune, mainly because of its chorus, “Gloria In Excelsis Deo” which is Latin for Glory to God in the Highest. Because the melody is so familiar and catchy, the lyrics, except for the first few lines, are something I've never thought much about. Until just recently. This “Angels We Have Heard on High” Christmas Carol has an interesting history, going back to the second century, and an even more interesting meaning for celebrating the Christmas season here in 2022. I'll get into all this in just a moment, but first I'll play the melody and recite the lyrics. Try to focus on the words and their meaning. [Play the melody of “Angels We Have Heard on High”] Lyrics to “Angels We Have Heard on High” [Verse 1] Angels we have heard on high Sweetly singing o'er the plains And the mountains in reply Echoing their joyous strains [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 2] Shepherds why this jubilee? Why your joyous strains prolong? Say what may the tidings be Which inspire your heavenly song? [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 3] Come to Bethlehem and see Him Whose birth the angels sing; Come, adore on bended knee Christ the Lord, the newborn King [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 4] See within in a manger laid Jesus Lord of heav'n and earth Mary, Joseph lend your aid With us sing our Savior's birth The back story to this Christmas Carol “Angels We Have Heard On High,” is a traditional French Christmas carol, previously known as “The Angels in Our Countryside.” It tells the story of angels announcing to local shepherds the good news of the birth of Jesus. Though the source of the song is unknown, it is believed to have originated in 18th-century France. The song was first translated into English in 1860 by James Chadwick, a Roman Catholic bishop. Just as the origin of the words to this French song is unknown, so also is the melody. Since it was common for lyrics to be written for existing tunes, it is possible that the melody is even older than the words. Gloria in Excelsis Deo The refrain in this Christmas carol, “Gloria in Excelsis Deo,” (Latin for "Glory to God in the Highest”) has an interesting background. The phrase is first found in the Gospel of Luke, chapter 2, verse 14, when a vast host of angels suddenly appear to the shepherds, praising God. Centuries ago in the hills of southern France, tradition has it that shepherds had a Christmas Eve custom of calling to one another, each from their own hillside, singing “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” Verses 1 and 2 in Angels We Have Heard on High” reference this when they speak of the “mountains” (i.e., the shepherds on the mountains) replying to the angels in joyous heavenly song. The phrase “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” played an important part in worship at church masses dating back to 130 A.D. During this time period, one of the early Roman Catholic popes, Pope Telesphorus, issued a decree that on Christmas Day all churches should have special evening services. He also ordered that at these masses, after the reading of certain Scripture or the conclusion of specific prayers, the congregation should always sing the words “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” Historical church documents reveal that monks carried this executive order throughout the land and that by the third century it was a practice used by most churches at Christmas services. Sources https://genius.com/Christmas-songs-angels-we-have-heard-on-high-lyrics https://www.celebratingholidays.com/?page_id=10563 https://faithgateway.com/blogs/christian-books/angels-we-have-heard-on-high So, what does “Angels We Have Heard of High” mean for you? This Christmas carol stands in sharp contrast to all the things we add to the original meaning of Christmas. The presents, the activities, the gathering of families together. All these are fine, but they have nothing to do with Jesus is the reason for the season. “Angels We Have Heard on High” is largely a song to celebrate the invitation God extends to all of us, you and me included, to come and see who Jesus is. It's to celebrate the generous love of God to give us this greatest gift ever. It's also an encouragement to accept this wonderful invitation. As the angels said to the shepherds, just come and see. Come and see. And that's what “Angels We Have Heard on High” means for us this Christmas season in 2022 and every year. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode A Christmas carol like “Angels We Have Heard on High” invites you and me into a relationship with Jesus, just as it did for the shepherds in the song. It's an invitation for us to either accept or reject. Relationship question of the month for December What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? What is a tradition or event stands out for you when you think about this holiday? Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. If you'd rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. Again, head over to JohnCertalic.com/question and leave a message. I'll pick several responses to air on our episode before Christmas. Closing In closing, I encourage you can take a few minutes to look past the distractions that seep into the Christmas season. I hope you take to reflect on its real meaning so that you can give glory to God in the highest as the shepherds on those French hillsides did so many years ago. I so often close each episode by encouraging you to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet and to spark some joy for them. But for this month, I want to encourage you to be on the lookout for the sunshine God is shining into your life. Expect true Christmas joy to show up on your relational doorstep to surprise you by filling your heart. And I'll end with one last round of “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Merry Christmas and God bless us everyone! Other episodes or resources related to today's show 133: Relationships - The Back Story to the Christmas Story 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 186: Thankful for Life After Death https://www.johncertalic.com/podcast/thankful-for-life-after-death/ The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    186: Thankful for Life After Death

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 30, 2022 33:48


    My friend Larry Goring died 2 months ago after a nine-month battle with cancer. He was only 73, and I miss him greatly. Larry was one of the original board members of our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others, and was always a great encouragement to me. His wife Jill gave me permission to share some of the details following Larry's death that I want to share with you. I'm doing so because here in November 2022, the month we celebrate Thanksgiving, Jill's response shows us how we can be thankful for life after death. What she did for Larry's funeral service is quite encouraging, and I thought you would appreciate a little encouragement today. But before I tell you what Jill did, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Thankful for Life After Death Thank you, Carol. I'll start by reading part of the email Janet and I received from Jill, the night Larry died at home, surrounded by Jill and their two adult children. “We are grief-stricken. At the same time, we are so thankful that he is pain-free and joy-filled and enjoying the glories of heaven, meeting his savior, reuniting with his parents, his brother-in-law, my nephew, and so many other dear ones. We are grateful for what the Lord Jesus did to make this possible. We were sitting with him and playing one of the many songs he loves [The Holy City] when he took his last breath. “Everywhere we turn in the house makes us weep with his absence. We wish we could just sit and cry and hug all of you who loved him. Thank you for your prayers.” The burial service Twelve days later Jill wrote: “Tomorrow it will be a week since Larry's burial service. It crushes my heart to write those words. “We gathered for some family time at the funeral home, and whoever wanted to read a verse took a printed one before we crossed the street to the cemetery. “At the graveside, all we did was read these Scriptures. “Each voice was loud and clear with not a single stumble—from the eight-year-old to the teenagers to the nieces and nephews and us older ones. It was powerfully comforting. “Tonight—my first night home alone--I am reading them again. As I will do over and over again. I hope you are blessed by them. “Thank you again for your prayers. Jill” Scriptures that assure us of life after death Several weeks later when Jill was visiting us in our home, she told us more about Larry's burial service. 15- 20 people gathered around the gravesite, ranging in ages from 8 to 73. Jill had printed scripture verses on 5x7 notecards that spoke of life after death and the encouragement we can draw from them. Anyone who wanted to read the Bible verses could do so. Here are the verses people read standing around the gravesite. I hope you can picture the scene. May they give those of us with a relationship with Jesus great comfort, both now, and for when our time on earth comes to an end. John 3:16-17 [Jesus talking to the religious teacher Nicodemus] God loved the world so much that He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. That's why God sent his son—not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. John 5:24-25 [Jesus' promise] I'm telling you the absolute truth: those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins—in fact, they have already passed from death into life. And I assure you that the time is coming, indeed it's here now, when the dead will hear my voice—the voice of the Son of God. And those who listen will live! Picture someone reading John 11:23-26 [Jesus talking to Mary at her brother Lazarus' grave] Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.  But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.” “Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.” Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.  Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.” II Timothy 4:6-8 [some of the apostle Paul's last words as he awaits life after death ] As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.  And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing. I Corinthians 13:11-15 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. II Corinthians 4:16-5:9.  What we know about life after death [The apostle Paul in his second letter to the church at Corinth] [And so] we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. Because the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. We know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. …While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee, he has given us his Holy Spirit. [5:6-9] We're very sure of that, dear friends. We live believing that, even though we can't see it with our eyes. We know that as soon as we leave these earthly bodies—we'll be at home with the Lord! And that's where we'd rather be! But no matter where we are—whether in these bodies or there with him—our goal is to please him. Picture one of the children reading from the following. It's from the apostle Paul and one of his letters to a church he loved dearly. He described Papa's (i.e, what the grandkids called Larry) future & ours: Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies. Because here's the thing, dear brothers and sisters. God has amazing, eternal blessings planned for us. But our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever. Our bodies have to be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies have to be changed into immortal bodies to experience the eternal blessings God has prepared for us. [That's what's going to happen to Papa and great-grandpa Bartlett and all us ‘left-behind' ones!] Those left behind can be thankful for life after death And for we who are left behind: Listen! Let me tell you a wonderful secret! We may not all die. But we WILL all be transformed. It will happen in a moment—in the blink of an eye-- when the last trumpet is blown. I say ‘in the blink of an eye', because when the trumpet sounds, those who have already died will instantly be raised to live forever! And we who are living will also be immediately transformed. Our bodies will be changed into bodies that never die! Then –then what God promised in His Word long ago will be fulfilled: Death is swallowed up in victory. You think you can hurt us, death? You think you've won? Never! You are conquered forever—through Jesus Christ our Lord. [I Corinthians 15:42-55, 58] So my dear children and grandchildren and mother and sister and brother and in-laws and nieces and nephews: be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord—because we know that nothing we do for the Lord is ever useless! Romans 6:5, 8-9 Since we have been united with Christ in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. Parts of Romans 8:18-24 [paraphrase] Just think, friends! We are God's children—His heirs—those He is showering with all His goodness. And in fact we are going to be glorified with Him! And this suffering that we're going through now—it is going to seem like nothing --not even worthy to be mentioned compared with that glory that's ahead. I'm talking about the glory that the whole world will see when God reveals all of us His children--sharing in all His glory! Another reason to be grateful for life after death With eager hope, creation looks forward to the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay.  Right now…all creation is still groaning, as it has been since the fall. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, because we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. That's the hope God gave us when we were saved! Romans 8:31-39 [Larry loved listening to these verses in his final days.] What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?  Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else?  Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself.  Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Another child reads from Colossians 3:1-4 [the apostle Paul to the church at Colosse; Papa loved these verses] Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God's right hand.  Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. Because you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.  And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory! Ephesians 3:14-21 [Paul's prayer for the Ephesians; this is our prayer for all of us in the family] When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. I Thessalonians 4:13-18 [the Apostle Paul explains what will happen to believers who have died] And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. [The reason we don't grieve like they do is] because we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again—so we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout… with the voice of the archangel And with the trumpet call of God. First the believers who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever! So encourage each other with these words. Imagine another child around the gravesite reading from Revelation 21:1-6 [This is what Jesus showed his disciple John, and what Papa and all of us are looking forward to!] Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone.  And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God's home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”  And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. Parts of Revelation 21 tells about life after death So he took me in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and he showed me the holy city, Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God.  It shone with the glory of God and sparkled like a precious stone—like jasper as clear as crystal. The wall was made of jasper, and the city was pure gold, as clear as glass. The twelve gates were made of pearls—each gate from a single pearl! And the main street was pure gold, as clear as glass. I saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple.  And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light.  The nations will walk in its light, and the kings of the world will enter the city in all their glory. Its gates will never be closed at the end of day because there is no night there. Parts of Revelation 22 [What awaits us in our life after death is more of what Jesus showed his disciple John—the end of the Story!] No longer will there be a curse upon anything. For the throne of God and of the Lamb will be there, and his servants will worship him.  And they will see his face, and his name will be written on their foreheads, and there will be no night there—no need for lamps or sun—for the Lord God will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever. Then the angel said to me, “Everything you have heard and seen is trustworthy and true. The Lord God, who inspires his prophets, has sent his angel to tell his servants what will happen soon.” And Jesus said: Look, I am coming soon! Yes, I am coming soon! [And we say:] Amen! Come Lord Jesus! I Timothy 6:15-16 At just the right time Christ will be revealed from heaven by the blessed and only almighty God, the King of all kings and Lord of all lords.  He alone can never die, and he lives in light so brilliant that no human can approach him. No human eye has ever seen him, nor ever will. All honor and power to him forever! Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21 Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. II Thessalonians 2:16-17 Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. Jude 24-25 Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault. All glory to him who alone is God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his …before all time …and in the present …and beyond all time! Amen. 1 Passages from New Living Translation and/or the BRE [Bible in Real English—Jill's paraphrase for kids]. All passages were read clearly and distinctly by adults and children as young as 8, with not a single stumbling. It was a huge blessing to hear. So what does all this mean for YOU? How does what you heard today affect how you view death? Your own death? I wonder what you would like said and done at your funeral service. I especially wonder how your relationship with Jesus, or for some of you, lack of relationship with Him, will affect your last days on earth and the people you leave behind. These are important questions to consider. Our life after death depends on how we answer. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Our relationship with Jesus enables us to be grateful for life after death. Those we leave behind who also have a relationship with Jesus can be comforted by this important truth. We will all be together again one day because Jesus defeated death. Sadly, there are those who refuse this great gift because they don't want a relationship with Jesus. Relationship question of the month. On a lighter note, our relationship question of the month as we move into the Christmas season is this: What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? What is a tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday? Just go to johncertalic.com/question to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. If you'd rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I'll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope you were encouraged by the fact that we can be thankful for Life after death Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/186. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    185: Thankful for Curious People

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 23, 2022 9:11


    For the past two years, my grandson George has been a resident assistant in his college dorm. Before students check in at the start of the school year, each RA creates a bulletin board for their floor with here's-who-I-am information about themself. It's a way to start building a sense of community. I wish they would have had something like this when I was in college. The only thing posted in my day was the time and place of the next anti-war protest rally. Demonstrations about how the South succeeding from the Union was going to lead to war. That kind of thing. Anyway, I've included a photo of George's RA bulletin board . As you can see, at the top he posted in big bold letters, "Are You Curious About George?,"  accompanied by a cut-out of the Curious George monkey. He then attached pictures representing his interests and things important to him. I'm going to tell you what happened as a result of that creative bulletin board, but before I do, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Was anyone curious about George? Just recently I talked to George about his RA bulletin board and asked him if anyone on his floor was, in fact, curious about him. Did anyone ask about any of the things he displayed about his interests? “Just one person,” George said. “And it was only a very brief conversation.” Yeah, that's how it usually goes, I thought. There aren't a lot of relationally curious people out there. And that's a shame. I talked about this in several episodes in the past, and I'll have links to them at the end of the show notes: Why I'm thankful for Curious people But here's why I'm thankful for relationally curious people, though they are few in number. Not nosey people, but curious people. I talk about the difference in episode 165. Curious people honor others by wanting to know someone's story. By being interested in a person's history, and why someone is the way they are. With the questions they ask, they give people a voice and an opportunity to be known. I'm thankful for people like this. Curious people try to connect with others by listening, rather than talking. Oh, there are so many talkers out there today, but so few really good listeners. Most talkers are good people and mean well. But sadly, they engage with others by using their words rather than their ears. Curious people aren't like this. They tend to be good listeners. They draw people out to make them the center of attention, rather than themself. I'm always drawn to someone who by their very nature makes other people the focus of a conversation, rather than themself. Curious people are like this, and I'm thankful for them. Another thing about curious people that I appreciate is how they deal with relational problems. They are curious enough to look below the surface of an issue to discover what may be causing it. Curious people look beyond the obvious. They consider possibilities that may go unnoticed by others. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today about curious people to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? I suggest giving a try at being more relationally curious yourself. In conversations with people make fewer statements and instead ask more questions. Ask just one follow-up question and see how that enriches your relationships. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Be thankful for the relationally curious people in your life. They bless us by showing how we can all connect better with each other by listening, rather than talking. They honor us by giving us a voice so that we feel the joy of being known. Relationship question of the month. In previous episodes, I asked for your response to a question I asked for the month of November. I did not get ANY. That's OK. We'll give it one more try. This question I'm asking you for December is What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? Some tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. If you'd rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I'll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to be a little more curious about the people who cross your path. And then act on your curiosity. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/185. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus (i.e., lack of curiosity ) 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not Curious About People 073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism 165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them Last week's episode 184: Thankful for Parents Who Discipline Their Children The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.  

    184: Thankful for Parents Who Discipline Their Children

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 16, 2022 15:52


    A family friend and listener to this podcast told me about an unpleasant experience she recently had at a big box retail store that got me thinking about climate change. Not the climate change we hear environmentalists and politicians talk about. I'm thinking about relational climate change. How the climate in a room changes when parents fail to discipline their children. And how it improves when they do. Continuing our “Thankful in November” series, today's episode is about how we can be thankful for parents who discipline their children because of how it improves the relational climate we live in. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The need for a relational climate change I think most of us at one time or another experienced what a listener to our podcast went through recently while in the check-out line at Walmart. A father in front of her had a toddler strapped in his cart, while another young child, standing at his side, engaged in all manner of behavior to irritate the kid in the cart. The poking and taunting of the toddler elicited back-and-forth yelling between the two kids. And what do you think the father did about this? You guessed, it. Nothing. It got so irritating to our listener friend that she stepped out of line, abandoned her cart, and went across the street to a grocery store to buy the same items she left behind at Walmart. The climate change between the two stores was palpable. From chaos at Walmart to peace and calm at the grocery store. No undisciplined kids creating tension for fellow shoppers. The sad thing for me about stories like this is that it's not the kids' fault. It's on the parents for failing to disciple their children. The dad in this case needed to go sit on a chair in the time-out corner. My thoughts on child discipline Having raised two kids of my own with my wife, and then watching them parent their own children, I learned a few things about disciplining children. I'll start with this. Parents who discipline their children well when they are younger will have to discipline them less when they're older. When you don't discipline kids when they're young, it is much harder to do so when they're older as teenagers when the consequences of bad behavior are much greater. And then if you don't discipline them as teenagers, you get adults like Meghan Markle who's at the epicenter of the family dysfunction in Britain's royal family. It's been reported that he said he regrets not disciplining his daughter when she was a child. “I gave her everything she wanted,” he said. “I never said no.” Parents are sometimes reluctant to discipline their kids because they want their kids to like them, to not be upset with them. They want their children to view them as a friend. Children don't need you to be their friend. They need you to be a strong parent to teach them the most important thing they need to know as a young child, and that is to obey. The most important thing a young child needs to know The main job of young children is to learn to obey. Oh, there is so much disobedience out there. But it doesn't have to be that way. Years ago I attended a week-long conference featuring Christian Counselors Larry Crabb and Dan Allender. During a Q & A session, someone asked Crabb for parenting advice. He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts and said, “I'm not a parenting expert by any stretch of the imagination. All I can tell you is that the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child. Stick with that, and you'll do fine as a parent.” Let that sink in for a moment, “the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child.” It's taken from Proverbs 22:15 in the Bible. Parenting by a thousand paper cuts If there was ever a comment to illustrate the phrase, “easier said than done.” It would be Crabb's comment. Parenting is hard work. Kids wear you down. Over and over again they push you to your limits of patience. If I were to write a parenting book, I would entitle it, Parenting by a Thousand Paper Cuts. How many times do you have to say “no?” How many times do you have to pit your will against your child's will? It is so much easier to give in to your kid's disobedience. To just raise your voice at them, with no attendant consequence for their disobedience. When a child disobeys, a negative consequence for the child is called for. Just raising your voice out of frustration for the child not obeying you won't cut it. A parent's job in dealing with disobedience is to introduce some form of “pain” into their life. Depriving them of something they enjoy usually works. And every kid is different in this regard. It's not rocket science. So what does God say about discipline? Through Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, God has a number of things to tell about us about discipline in the Book of Proverbs. I count ten verses dealing with the discipline of children. The first five are directed to children themselves, the recipients of parental discipline. If you have kids, you might want to share these with them. It likely won't register with your children at the moment you need to disciple them. Instead, share these verses after the storm of misbehavior passes and relational calm returns. How children should view discipline With regard to children and what their attitude should be, Solomon says the following: Proverbs 1: 8 My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don't neglect your mother's instruction. Proverbs 4: 1-2 My children, listen when your father corrects you. Pay attention and learn good judgment, for I am giving you good guidance. Don't turn away from my instructions. Proverbs 6: 20 - 23 My son, obey your father's commands, and don't neglect your mother's instruction. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you walk, their counsel will lead you. When you sleep, they will protect you. When you wake up, they will advise you. For their command is a lamp and their instruction a light; their corrective discipline is the way to life. Proverbs 12:1 To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction. Proverbs 13:1 A wise child accepts a parent's discipline; a mocker refuses to listen to correction. Why parents need to discipline their children As for parents, here are principles from the Book of Proverbs to keep in mind about why it is so important for them to discipline their children. Proverbs 13: 24 Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. Proverbs 22:15 A youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away. This is the sum total of Larry Crabb's philosophy I mentioned earlier. Proverbs 23:13-14 Don't fail to discipline your children. The rod of punishment won't kill them. Physical discipline may well save them from death. Proverbs 29:15 To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child. Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? If you're a parent, disciplining your children, not only benefits them and you, it also goes a long way to improving the relational climate of those around you. No one wants to be around bratty kids. No one wants to be around parents who ignore or can't handle their child's misbehavior. People probably won't say so, but we'll be thankful for you when your kids act up and you step in to take control of them. So be the kind of parent we can all be thankful for. To see this in action, one really helpful thing you can do is watch episodes of the TV Show, Supernanny. You can see past episodes on YouTube. You'll get a lot of good ideas to help you understand what may be causing you to be weak when it comes to child discipline, and how to get a lot better at it. I'll have a link to it in the show notes. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Be thankful for parents who discipline their children. Teaching children to obey teaches them they are not the center of the universe, a lesson one can never learn too early. It also makes them a lot easier to parent when they're teenagers. It's a great gift to society when parents discipline their children well. Relationship question of the month. This question I'm asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely, What is one relationship you are especially thankful for? Just go to PodinBox.com/John  and record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to  PodinBox.com/John  and leave a message for me. I'll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about disciplining children For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/184. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related resources to today's episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All The TV show, Supernanny Last week's episode 183: Thankful for People Who Inspire Us The place to access all past and future episodes go to JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    183: Thankful for People Who Inspire Us

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 9, 2022 14:29


    In last week's episode, no. 182, we began our Thankful in November series by talking about being thankful for the last time we experienced something. Today we continue this series by considering the blessing of being thankful for the people who inspire us. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Two words to describe our podcast If I could use only one word to describe our You Were Made for This podcast, it would be “relationships.” And if I could add one more word to the description, it would be “joy.” As in how to experience more joy in the relationships God designed for us. It's what we were made for. Inspire One source of joy in relationships is to be thankful for people who inspire us. “Inspire” is an interesting word. It literally means "to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something." My wife used to love going to a home furnishings store by the name of Inspire. It sold decorative items for your house like pillows, small pieces of furniture, things to hang on the wall. Stuff like that. It certainly filled my wife with the urge to do something. I'll leave it to your imagination to guess what that urge might have been. She doesn't go there anymore because the store went out of business. At least that's what I've been telling her when she talks about going back there. Let's just keep that a secret between you and me. Okay? When my book came out in 2016, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others, Writer's, Digest Magazine awarded it “best inspirational book of the year.” My purpose in writing the book was to urge people to care better for each other, which would make us feel good about ourselves, because we were made for this. “Inspire”: to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something. People can Inspire us The Inspire store and my book were intentional about their purpose in urging people to do something or feel something. I would add motivational speakers to these two intentional sources of inspiration. But for me, I've always been thankful for people who inspire us unintentionally by the way they live. They're the examples I would like to be more like. They don't tell you how to conduct yourself, they show you. They're the people who inspire us without even trying to do so. Here's a recent example from just two months ago. Queen Elizabeth II When Queen Elizabeth II died on September 8, 2022, there was an outpouring of admiration for her and the way she lived her life. Ruling England for over 70 years, you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who didn't admire her. A particularly insightful article by Daniel Henninger, one of my favorite newspaper columnists, appeared in The Wall Street Journal a week or so after she died. I'll quote a few paragraphs from his piece, entitled “The Countercultural Queen”: Within the hour of her death, Queen Elizabeth II was praised by commentators from left to right for representing so many traditional values. Reserve, self-containment, duty, responsibility. modesty of demeanor, graciousness, civility, prudence, fortitude… What is most notable is that this instant outpouring of media praise for the queen's traditional virtues comes amid a contemporary culture that elevates daily, even hourly, a value system of self-regard, self-promotion, changeability, acting out, and anything-goes behavior that is the polar opposite of Queen Elizabeth's. The queen's own family reflected this trend. First Princess Diana in the 1980s rode the rising celebrity wave, and ultimately it drowned her. Then Prince Harry married Meghan Markle, known primarily as an influencer. “Influencer” is the defining word of our times. An influencer's success depends overwhelmingly on one thing: self-promotion accomplished by rising in the hot-air balloons of Instagram, TikTok, and other social media. The goal is to marry marketing with fame. Because influencers do it, millions of others, often young women make preoccupation with self the one habit that directs their lives. A contrast of values To say that the queen's values were traditional means they existed for a very long time. The poised 14-year-old Elizabeth we heard in news clips reading her first public speech to children during the Blitz of World War II had by then had by then been taught personal virtues held in high regard for centuries in the West and arguably longer in the East. In our time, however, personal virtue has been demoted by social virtue. One effect of giving social responsibility more weight than personal responsibility is that it gives people a pass on their personal behavior. So long as one's life is “centered” on some larger social good, the conduct of one's personal life is well, irrelevant… The queen's habits were a source of personal stability. Modern values are a source of instability. The habits of behavior associated with her are not about mere goodness, but about creating a structure of life inside of which one can then perform successfully as a person, hopefully for the good. She did that for her country for 70 years. Henninger's column is a reminder that people who inspire us often run against the grain of contemporary culture. Queen Elizabeth showed us we can live a fulfilling meaningful life when it is based on the personal virtues that have been admired down through the ages. So what does all this mean for YOU? A couple of thoughts come to mind. They start with going back to the definition of “inspire” I mentioned earlier, “to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.” Wouldn't it be great if people said that you inspired them to be more like you? That because of who you are and how you lived you motivated them to think or behave in a way that may not have been their natural inclination? That because of you they became a better person? It's possible for you to be an inspiration to others when you follow the teachings of Jesus, and day by day become more like the person he created you to be. As that happens, people will notice. And they will be inspired. Another thought I have is really a question. I wonder about the people who inspire you. What are they like? What do they do to fill you with the urge to do or feel something? And then how do they do it? This question I'm asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely, What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to podinbox.com/Johnn and leave a message for me. I'll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. A person who inspires me On a personal note, one person who inspires me is my boss and our executive producer, Carol Steward. You hear her introduce me at the beginning of each episode. In episode 021 I describe how I first met Carol, and how she inspired Janet and me to enter into a personal relationship with Jesus. I also talk about this life-changing experience in chapter 7 of my book, THEM. You can learn more about Carol and how Jesus has been the cornerstone of her relationship with Janet and me in a two-part interview I did with her in episodes 100 and 101. I'll have links to all this at the bottom of the show notes. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Being thankful for the people who inspire us has a way of motivating us to become inspiring people ourselves. Each day by becoming more like the men and women God created us to be, we model and inspire others to be the person God created them to be as well. Relationship question of the month Please don't forget our Relationship Question of the month for November. What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. If you'd rather not record anything, please email your answer to me at john@caringforothers.org. You can also leave a written response at the bottom of the show notes for this episode in the “Leave a Comment” box. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to be thankful for the people who inspire you. And then to become more of an inspiring person yourself. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/183. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy 100: Start Conversations with Remembering 101: Life-Giving Relationships 021: The Most Important Relationship of All THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others Last week's episode 182: Thankful for “The Last Time I Will Ever…” The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    182: Thankful for “The Last Time I Will Ever…”

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 2, 2022 16:24


    It happened a few weeks ago, another one of those It was the last time I will ever … moments. It was the last time I experienced something so meaningful and enjoyable that it brought on a tinge of sadness knowing I will never experience it again. But based on several other last time I will ever … events in my life I know I can be thankful for what comes next. And so can you. It's what I talk about in today's episode, the first in my “Thankful in November” series starting today. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'mhere to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page. Enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The last little league baseball game I will ever see I've got three, “the last time I will ever… " stories to share with you today. Events in my life I'm thankful for this November, a month we celebrate thankfulness. I'm talking about them today hoping it will get you thinking about your the last time I will ever… moments in your life that you can be thankful for. The first of my stories is prompted by the times I drive past a local park near where we live. It's where our twin grandsons, Grant and George played little league baseball when they were young. They're both 20 years old now and in college. They played in this baseball league through 6th grade, which was the age limit by which they could participate. Driving past this park reminds me of the last baseball game they played in. They played for one of those leagues that downplay competitiveness so that everyone on the team gets to play in every game. Even if it is just for an inning. It was all about fun, not about winning. The last out to win the game and end the season In the boys' last game for the season at this park, their team was up by a run at the top of the last inning. George was playing first base, Grant was at third. The batter for the other team hit a grounder to Grant, who fielded the ball cleanly. He then reared back and with all his might and strength threw the ball in the air as hard as his skinny arm would allow to his brother at first base. George easily caught the ball on the fly, and stepped on first base to make the final out to end the game. The final play, of the final game, of their final season as little league baseball players. Shortly after this. it hit me, this was the last time I will ever see them play little league baseball together again. It was the end of an era in their still very young lives. It was the end of the joy Janet and I were so thankful for that we could be part of as spectators. More joy would come later for other things, but this one last moment. This one last time I will ever … moment filled me with joy I am still thankful for years later. I'm thankful for being part of the joy they experienced in playing well together for the very last time. Thankful to see that last play that so symbolizes their connection with each as twin brothers. Her last tennis match I will ever see Another of my the last time I will ever… moments happened just a few weeks ago. Our granddaughter Eleanor is a high school senior and has been on her school's tennis team since she was a freshman. It's been a great run for her in many ways. Girls' high school tennis is a fall sport where we live. Each season concludes with a state tournament that began a few weeks ago. I drove out to the school where the first round was to be held to watch Eleanor play. I knew she wasn't going to know until after she warmed up if she'd even be able to play. Eleanor's had a painful knee problem for the last part of the season, and then the callouses on her feet had recently broken open, exposing very tender skin. Yikes. She decided after warming up to give it a go, so I watched her play and win her match. Though she won and advanced to the next round, the pain in her knee and feet was too much, forcing her to withdraw from the next round. The risk of further injury was too great and not worth it. You see Eleanor is also very active in ballet, and an important performance was coming up. She didn't want to jeopardize participation in her last year of dance. But I was so happy and thankful she got to win the last high school match she will ever play in. Yet at the same time, I felt a pit in my stomach knowing this was the last time I will ever see her do so. It was kind of sad, actually. The next thing after the last thing I'm sure you've had your own this is the last time I will ever… moments in life. The thing I've learned about them is that they often lead to something better. It's not always true, but often the last time of experiencing something good makes room for the next thing - a better thing - to occur. As with most kids, Eleanor learned valuable lessons in sports that will serve her well for many years into the future. Her last time I will ever… moment was built upon hard work, sacrifice, dealing with adversity, and self-discipline. It's prepared her well for something even better coming down the road as a young adult. What she learned in her last thing has been great preparation for the next thing, whatever that may be. Two of the last time I will ever… moments converge There's an interesting connection to this last-time-moment of Eleanor's and one of my own the last time I will ever…events. At least it's interesting to me, and hopefully to you, too. In the four years Eleanor played tennis for her school, she had never played at the high school where the sectionals for the state tournament were held, and where she played her last ever tennis match. It surprised me because the school is fairly close to her own. I thought the two were in the same conference, but they weren't, I later learned. The connection with me is that I was a teacher for 7+ years at this very same high school where Eleanor played her last tennis match. It is the site of one of the most significant last time I will ever … moments in my life. In December of 1978, at the end of the last school day right before Christmas. I walked out of my classroom, down the stairs, and out to the parking lot to my car to drive away for the last time I will ever teach at that school. Or any school for that matter. I did so with tears in my eyes because I so loved my job. It was a great experience for me, one I've always been thankful for even many years later. But on this day I was hanging it up for the last time. Why I left teaching is a story for another day, but for now, I can tell you I felt God calling me into the business world. In order to do this, our school superintendent was so kind and gracious in letting me out of my teaching contract in the middle of the year. On to the next thing “Best of luck to you,” he said the last time I saw him. “I got started in business and years ago made the switch o public education. Now you're going in the opposite direction. I hope it works out well for you, but if it doesn't, you'll be welcomed back here if we have an opening.” Eleanor's last time I will ever play high school tennis and my last time I will ever teach in a high school occurred in the very same place, just 40-some years apart. My last time I will ever teach at that high school led to a 25-year career in business, which paved the way for 10+ years in the missionary care ministry My wife and I are involved in now. I am so thankful for this last time ever experience, even for the sadness that came with it, because it showed I was leaving something meaningful to me. There was a sense of loss in the midst of the excitement of going to something new, with all the possibilities that awaited me in the business world. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for your life? It's important to note that not all the last time I will ever… moments are as positive as the ones I've described. Living in a fallen world as we do, there's the last time we will ever see a loved one, the last time I will ever work at a job I was forced out of, the last time I will ever find joy in a relationship that ended, etc. You know what I'm talking about. Having said this, though, it's helpful to look for the joy when we go through a the last time I will ever… moment. Sometimes the joy is found in a beautiful memory it created, and sometimes it's found in anticipating the future. I wonder what joy you may have found in one of your the last time I will ever… moments. I bet our other listeners would love to know, too. You can share this in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can send it to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. Better yet, respond with your phone or computer by going to PodinBox.com/John, and record your answer, much like leaving a voice mail. Relationship question of the month What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for? It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you're grateful for would be fair game. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call. I'll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to put into practice what you've heard about finding joy in reflecting upon the last time you ever experienced something significant to you. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Come back next time for episode 183 and another relational part of life we can be thankful for this November in 2022, and every month and year thereafter. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/182. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 181: Tenderness Found in Two Unusual Places The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    181: Tenderness Found in Two Unusual Places

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 26, 2022 14:05


    A friend I hadn't seen in a while asked me the other day what was going on in my life. “Lots of death,” I said, filling in my response with examples.. Another thing going on was a moment of tenderness I saw in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. I've been thinking for days about the tenderness I saw in both the restaurant and the deaths I described. It's what we're looking at in today's episode. Tenderness in relationships found in unusual places. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Two Funerals Last week's episode, no. 180 was about finding joy in an unusual place. Today we're going to look at tenderness in relationships, and two unusual places to find it. The first is in the context is death. It's certainly an unusual place to think about tenderness, but I saw it at the funeral of Dennis, the husband of a former co-worker of mine who died unexpectedly. I didn't know him all that well, but I saw his tenderness in the photos of him with his wife and children. The slideshow that flashed across the screen at the front of the sanctuary showed a man who loved his family. You could see it in his smile. You could also hear it in what the pastor shared about him and his faithfulness and commitment to his family. Another place I saw tenderness was at the memorial service for a longtime friend and missionary who succumbed to cancer. I couldn't make it to the service in person, so I watched it online. He was a leader and visionary in his mission organization and several of his colleagues talked about what a kind and compassionate man he was. With tears in their eyes, they spoke of his humility and how he mentored each of them in ways that brought out the best in each one of them. His wife and son also spoke. His wife, in particular, showed how devastated her loss has been. She spoke briefly about how much God hates death and the impact it has had on her. The tenderness in her loving relationship with her husband made the pain of her tragedy all the more difficult to watch. Shouldering a difficult responsibility The last example of death that's been surrounding me lately began with a text I recently received from Martin, my former missionary friend. I talked about him in episodes 071 and 072. Martin wrote. “Josephine went to be with Jesus this afternoon and is now again united with Suzanne.” Josephine was his wife Suzanne's mother who lived with them. When Suzanne died two years ago, Martin became the prime caregiver of his mother-in-law. This was a difficult responsibility for Martin in the context of his deep grief over losing his wife so suddenly and unexpectedly. It was also burdensome because of the significant health challenges his 80-something mother-in-law faced. I don't know of many men who would have accepted this responsibility. Over the past two years, Martin and I talked about how wearisome it was for him. But in his commitment to his mother-in-law, I saw a tenderness in his relationship to his deceased wife. By caring for her mother, Martin was honoring Suzanne. Both of them returned first from China and then Germany to move to Chicago for the sole purpose of caring for Josephine. And Martin followed through on that commitment even though his wife was no longer with him to help. It's really quite a touching story of love. Tenderness at a restaurant Finally, In the midst of all this death I've been talking about, there was also a moment of tenderness I witnessed in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. Not about death, but about money. I've been thinking about it for days. I saw it played out on a weekend trip Janet and I took to a vacation spot in northeastern Wisconsin, Door County. There's a well-known restaurant there we like to go to for breakfast, The White Gull Inn. While walking behind the hostess ushering us to our table, I spotted a young couple in their early 30s. I only overheard a small part of their conversation as they talked over the menu options. It was when the husband leaned across the table to his wife, looked her in the eye, and with the most compassionate and reassuring of voices, said, “…. we're on vacation.” It was a moment of tenderness I won't soon forget. From what I could tell from hearing the husband and seeing his eyes and body language, “We're on vacation” was code for, “Don't worry about the price, honey. Order what you'd really like. I know what you'd like is a little more expensive, but we've been pinching pennies all year. I know you worry about spending too much money, but just this once, treat yourself. You're worth it. We'll be okay with the money. We'll figure it out. We've been saving for quite a while to do this. So enjoy yourself, please. Do it for me, okay? We're on vacation.” I could only see the back of the wife's head, but I have a hunch there were tears in her eyes in response to the tenderness of her husband. We've been there too Janet and I are twice as old as this couple, and we've had a number of “…we're on vacation” moments like this. Where because of our financial condition at the time, the price difference between two scrambled eggs and the Denver omelet seemed like half a mortgage payment. I was so taken by this guy's compassion for his wife. It encouraged me to be more like him. And then, several days after this tender moment in time, I thought of something else. I wish I would have had the presence of mind to get the attention of their waitress and tell her to bring me their bill, and I would pay for it. Yeah, I wish I would have thought of that. So what does all this mean for YOU? I've talked about two unusual places where I found tenderness. At funerals and at a restaurant. How about you? I wonder what are the unusual places you've found tenderness displayed. My guess is there are more places all of us could witness tender relationship moments if we paid attention and looked for them. Now is as good a time as any to start. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode The tenderness you see in relationships, often in unusual places, can inspire us to develop and nurture tenderness in our own relationships. It's worth the effort to look for it. We'll be better people for it. Relationship question of the month Last week I introduced you to PodInBox.com, a website you can go to to leave a private voicemail for me. I would like to experiment with this tool to get listeners more involved with the episodes I'm planning for November, the month of Thanksgiving. For example, I have a relationship question I'd like you to answer by going to podinbox.com/john. There you can record your answer to my question using your phone or computer. I'm going to call it my “Question of the Month.” With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. There's nothing to write or prepare. Okay? Here's the question: What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for? It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you're grateful for would be fair game. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call. I'll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode, either in writing or a phone call through PodinBox.com/John. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about looking for tenderness in unusual places. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/181. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 072: How to Help a Grieving Friend 071: What I learned from a Grieving Friend 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 19, 2022 22:35


    You wouldn't think you could find joy in the midst of difficult life events, but you can if you know how to look for it. Today's episode is an interview with someone who did just that. Stuck in the world's busiest airport after her flight was canceled, Our guest today, Jennifer Uren, shares what she did while waiting on standby for another flight, anxious to get to her destination for a speaking engagement the next day. Besides being one of the most interesting stories I've heard in a while, it illustrates a relationship lesson the rest of us can use to find joy even when life takes us in a direction we'd rather not go. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Near the end of today's show, I'm going to explain a new technology I want to try out that involves your participation. It has the potential to be great fun, but more on that later. An intriguing Facebook post To begin, here's my interview with Jennifer Uren. It starts with why I contacted her in the first place. [I'm sorry there's no transcript of the interview. Please consider listening to it by clicking on johncertalic.com/180. Here though, is her Facebook post which prompted me to contact her.] “Monday I was delayed and hung out at the airport all day and people watched. “When you pay attention, you can find connections and ways to serve weary travelers. “Like the older gentleman making calls and getting the runaround and hearing him say, ‘I don't have anything to write with,' so you jump up and bring him a pen so he doesn't have to call back. “Or the mom standing in line to talk with the gate agent while her toddler explores, and you make eye contact to let her know you'll be her second set of eyes. “Or the gentleman who has been on standby all day with you and just needed someone to hear his story and how he misses his dog.” So what does all this mean for YOU? I sure enjoyed my conversation with Jennifer, and I hope you did. too. I love how her Facebook post illustrated the ORA principle of relationships I've talked about on this podcast. Observe - Reflect - Act. Her action at the airport was the result of her reflection on what she observed while waiting all day to catch her flight. Today's episode also makes me wonder how you can use what you've heard today to find more joy in the relationships in your life. I suggest that instead of looking outside of yourself to find more joy in life, look inside and ask how yourself, how can I create a small measure of joy for others? By becoming a source of joy for people, you'll create it for yourself. It's an unusual place to find joy, I know. It's counter-intuitive. But it works. Give it a try. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode To find more joy in life, don't limit yourself to the usual places you go to. Entertainment, sports, family, close friends. Those are sources of joy we draw from, which are all fine. Instead, expand your horizons and see if you can find joy in difficult circumstances by creating it for others. Maybe even for complete strangers. Because when we create joy for others, we create it for ourselves. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show - enough to try creating a little joy for the people you meet. I'd love to hear how this goes for you, so please contact me with any stories of what you try doing. Stories similar to what you heard in today's episode. And this is where the new technology comes in that I mentioned earlier. To contact me with the brief stories you want to share, go to the website Podinbox.com/John. There you can record a voice message with your response from either your phone or computer. Include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. Nothing to write at all. I'll then play a few of the responses in a future episode. Who knows, I may pick yours! It will look good on your resume if I do! That website again Podinbox.com/John. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/180. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to check out Jennifer's podcast, This Mom Knows. And while you're at, spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 085: Finding Joy at the End of 2020 103: The Secret to Great Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    179: Listen to the Whispers

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 12, 2022 12:11


    It seems to me that we are living in an increasingly noisy world. So many sounds, so many words, so many messages competing for our attention. I'm going to tell you a story today about how someone communicated with whispers that drowned out all the noise in the room. It's a great relationship lesson about listening to the whispers. But before we get into today's topic, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. A volunteer opportunity One of my favorite memories of our twin grandsons growing up is when Janet and I volunteered a couple of hours of our time at their grade school, once every couple of months or so. We would go to their classroom, and their teacher would have us help kids work on various tasks they were assigned. Unlike when we were in grade school, where desks were arranged in straight rows, their classroom had groups of four desks, facing each other to form a square. Janet and I would then go from group to group and help with any math, science, or reading assignments the kids were working on. All this while the teacher was working with her own larger reading group. The most memorable of these occasions happened when the boys were, I think, in 2nd grade. We walked in one morning near the beginning of the school year and met their teacher for the first time. I thought she was an 8th grader - she was so small and looked so very young. I immediately liked her. She assigned us to our different groups of 4 students, while she worked with her group. On this particular day, Janet was off in one corner of the room with a group, while I worked with another group. In mine, there was a boy struggling over something he didn't quite understand. He got so frustrated that he started crying. So I helped him figure out whatever it was he didn't get, and he finally calmed down. I felt so bad for him. School can be so demoralizing for some kids. It got noisy About this time, I noticed that the noise in the classroom began to increase. All these groups of 4 working on things and talking with each other. They weren't goofing off, they were just talking with each other as they did their work. But it was getting louder and louder. I then wondered how this diminutive young teacher was going to handle the situation. When I was a teacher right out of college, I would have shouted out something like , “Hey! It's getting too loud in here! I can't hear myself think. Dial it down a few notches.” She did just the opposite. It was fascinating to watch. When the noise started to get to her too, she stopped with her reading group, and stood up from her chair. Keep in mind she wasn't that much taller than her students. I expected she was going to shout out something, but she didn't. Rather than talking louder than the kids, she spoke softer, almost in a whisper, asking the kids very politely to lower their voices. I was skeptical. How are these kids going to quiet down with her speaking so softly? Then an amazing thing happened. Slowly, one child noticed the teacher talking, who then asked the four classmates in her group to quiet down. “Shhh! I can't hear what she's saying.” This soon spread around the room. Kids stopped talking so they could listen to the whispers of the teacher. My respect for the teacher grew even more. I wish I would have tried this technique when I was in her shoes years ago. Her whispers reminded me of one of my favorite passages in the Bible. God whispers It's a story of Elijah who had just won a confrontation with the prophets of Baal, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. God then shows up and asks Elijah a question. I'll read the question that begins the story in 1 Kings 19:9-15 “What are you doing here, Elijah?” “Elijah replied, ‘I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too." “Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire, there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Whispers can get our attention God wasn't in anything dramatic or noticeable. He didn't wow Elijah with his presence. God got Elijah's attention with a gentle whisper. Just like the grade school teacher of my twin grandsons. It's how God works a lot of times, through his gentle whisper. It's hard for us to hear his whispers sometimes because of all the noise around us competing for our attention. I don't need to give you examples, you know what I'm talking about. They're the metaphorical windstorms, earthquakes, and fires that Elijah experienced. It's hard to hear the whispers of God through them. But we can if we try. Like the 2nd graders who stopped talking so they could hear their soft-spoken teacher speak. So what does all this mean for YOU? A couple of ideas come to mind about listening to the whispers of God. I'll start with noise. Get rid of it as best you can. Turn off the radio, the music, the TV. And dare I say… the podcast. Build some measure of silence into your life. Create space for God to whisper to you. God is a gentleman and won't barge into your mind and heart if they're filled with things that distract you from Him. I wonder, too, if God, through his Holy Spirit, has already been whispering to you. Is he prompting you to take a certain action or think a particular thought? Like saying something to encourage someone. Or deciding to forgive that person who hurt you. Hmmm. Finally, if you're not hearing anything from God, ask him to whisper something important to you that you need to hear. The whisper may come from a verse in the Bible, something you see in nature, or a thought from a friend. There's no limit to God's creativity in communicating with us. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode The loud and dramatic get our attention. Most of it, though, is just noise. And it's not how God usually communicates with us. More often than not, he reaches out to us with whispers. Whispers from his Holy Spirit, from the Bible, and from people he prompts to act on our behalf. Good things happen when we listen to God's whispers. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about listening to the whispers from God. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/179. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    178: Good Relationships in Action

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 5, 2022 11:26


    There are so many thoughts about relationships running around in my head lately that I've wanted to share with you. They've been like little kids scrambling for the candy thrown from 4th of July floats parading down the street. I'll tell you about a few of them in today's episode because they're examples of good relationships I've seen in action that can inspire us to relate in similar ways with the people in our lives. But before we get into today's topic, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Observing a good relationship in action The first example of good relationships in action is something I saw at our granddaughter's tennis tournament several weeks ago. As I was getting the lawn chairs out of our vehicle, another one pulled in next to me - a couple in their late 30s, I would guess. When the wife got out of their van, she looked at me and asked, “Are you a therapist? I saw your license plate and wondered if you're a therapist.” My license plate, as you can see from the photo in the show notes, reads “I LISTEN.” I said I wasn't, but that I LISTEN refers to a major theme of the podcast I do. I then asked her if she listens to podcasts. She said she does and asked the name of mine, so I told her. It was interesting that she connected listening with therapy. Good therapists do listen, of course. Good friends listen even more. But I don't think I'll ever be asked, “Are you a good friend to people?” I wondered later if SHE was a therapist. I wish I would have asked her. That could have made for an interesting conversation. Instead, I started to talk to her husband as he pulled a baby stroller out of the back of their minivan. I asked him if he knew someone playing in the tournament. He told me, “no,” but were there to watch the granddaughter of one of their friends play. Relational Sunshine at a tennis tournament What a great example of good relationships in action. This couple supporting their older friend by being at his side while he supported his granddaughter by watching her tennis match. The couple and grandfather could have been doing other things on the beautiful sunny Saturday of the tennis tournament. But that's how it is with good relationships, they involve sacrifice at times. Without knowing it, this couple spread a little relational sunshine into my life that morning. I wish we were neighbors. They just showed up for their friend and his granddaughter. They reminded me that I can do the same thing for others. And so can you. The relationship between the grandfather, his friends, and the granddaughter reminded me of what a missionary once told me about how people could best care for her. She said, “When you love my baby, you love me…even if my baby is 23.” What a great principle to nurture good relationships. Missed opportunities to nurture good relationships That Saturday at the tennis tournament, I was struck by how few parents or other adults come to watch their children or grandchildren play. It's never crowded at a high school tennis match. I can understand low attendance at weekday matches late in the afternoon after school lets out. It would be hard for many parents with jobs to get to there on time. But Saturday matches? Come on people. It's similar to what I experienced when our son played high school basketball. We would go to his games and get to meet the parents of the other players. At one particular game, I remember talking to one of the other fathers, mentioning I hadn't seen him in a while, and that it was good to have him back in the stands with the rest of us. He said, “Yeah, I haven't been coming because my son doesn't get to play much. He just sits on the bench. No sense in coming if he's not playing.” Ouch, I thought. What a missed opportunity to be part of his son's life without having to say or do anything. Just sit and watch, even if his boy is on the bench. Just show up. We underestimate the power of showing up for things our kids are involved in. Our son sat on the bench for a while, too. But to only come when your kid is playing sends the wrong kind of message. It says, “I want to be part of your life when you're succeeding, namely when the coach gets you off the bench and puts you in the game. But otherwise, not so much.” This isn't the way to develop good relationships with your children. Tell people how they impacted you makes for good relationships Here's another example of a good relationship at work. There's a small diner near us where Janet and I have gotten to know the manager. She was working the grill the last time we were there. It was quite busy, but when things slowed down, she came out to our booth and said, “I just listened to your latest podcast episode, and it brought me to tears. I'm going to go back to episode 1 and start listening to all of them. I especially want to hear the interview that you did about the wife who cleaned off the grave marker of her husband's first wife.” What kind and thoughtful comments for the manager to make in the midst of her busy shift. I got a little sunburn from this relational sunshine. Good relationships can be nurtured by applying what we read in books The last relationship thought I'll leave you with comes from a book I'm reading by Alan Alda entitled If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face - My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating. You remember Alan Alda from M*A*S*H, don't you? Among other things, he talks in the book about how people can actually learn empathy. Really, people can LEARN to be empathetic? That's encouraging! It's such an important part of good relationships. I'm going to review the book in more detail in a future episode. It's really quite good. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? In the relationship stories I mentioned today, a common theme in all 3 is that they came about by observing. Observing the couple coming to the tennis tournament to support their friend and his granddaughter. The restaurant manager observing how someone was impacting her life and then telling that person. And finally, observing what an author says in his book that will help good relationships develop. So what are you observing in others? In yourself? In the books you read? I'd love to hear any examples you observe of good relationships in action. I bet the rest of our listening audience would, too. You can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org, or by filling in the Leave a Comment box at the end of the show notes. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode One way to develop good relationships is to watch how other people do it. Notice how people show up for one another, how they listen and encourage each other. And then do what they do with your relationships. Closing I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about developing good relationships. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/178. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last Week's Episode 177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 28, 2022 16:32


    I received a disturbing email from a missionary serving overseas the other day that mentioned a relationship challenge he and his wife were facing. It's an issue most of us have had to handle at one time or another. Namely, how to relate with high-maintenance people. It's the subject of today's show, where you will hear a few ideas for how you can deal with this challenge. I also explain why I found this missionary's email troublesome. It's not what you might think. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. That troublesome email And now for that troublesome email I got about high-maintenance people. I am one of many on the mailing list of the missionary who sent it, who, in connection with his missionary role, pastors a church overseas. The email came from him and his wife, with news they heard from their daughter while they were out of town. For confidentiality reasons, I've changed the names of the people mentioned in the email. It begins with this: Emily, one of our extra-grace church members, had died alone in her apartment. It wasn't a big surprise. She had been in and out of the hospital more times than we can count. For most of us, her passing left us with a confusing mix of relief and sadness. She constantly challenged the limits of love and patience. She loved Jesus but sadly died without being reconciled with her own family. And Jared was her pastor for over 20 years - not always an easy job. The first thing that jumps out at me is the descriptive term they use for the woman who died, “extra-grace church member.” From the context of the email, you can tell “extra-grace church members” is code for a high-maintenance person who wears people out, and who requires us to extend extra grace to maintain our sanity. Something like that, anyway. I'll come back to this term in a minute. I feel for this missionary/pastor and his wife. Many of us have been in high-maintenance relationships like this that tax our energy. The times I've been in situations like this, I want to hide or flee. But as a pastor, you don't have that option. People like this come with the territory. The problem with labels But here's why I find the email troubling: the description of the woman as “one of our extra-grace church members.” I first came across this concept at a church we were at years ago. Janet and I were on the congregational care committee and would meet periodically to help with this important function of the church. At one particular meeting, we were given a list compiled by one of the pastoral staff of 6-8 people at our church who had various needs. Their names were listed together with what they needed. Things like hospital visits, meals for people getting out of the hospital, rides to church, etc. Next to one of the names was a note, EGR. When I asked what EGR meant, I was told it meant “Extra Grace Required.” It referred to the person as being very needy, expecting a lot from the church staff, and who expressed displeasure when those needs were not met. I cringed inside when I heard this. What if that list got out to the person, or anyone else for that matter, and EGR was explained to them? Who also is an EGR person in the church? Am I on the list, too, people might wonder. When we label people, it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please don't do this. Please don't label people like this. It can cause so much harm. Euphemisms and labels like this grow out of frustration, but they separate us from each other. Source of the problem in relating to high-maintenance people So what's behind this kind of labeling and view of people? I'm sure it starts with pure motives. People like the missionary and the pastoral staff want to help, they want to minister to people. It's why most of them get into ministry. They feel called by God to do what they do. And I hope the same can be said for the rest of us. That while we may not be a missionary or a pastor, we want to care for people. We want to help each other. It's wired into our DNA at some level because we are all created in the image and likeness of God. There's a little bit of God's character in all of us. Given all this, let's consider the source of the problem of relating to high-maintenance people. It's easy to say the problem is with those people who are a pain in the neck with their demands and all that they require of us.In the reality, though, the problem is US, not them. People become high-maintenance to us largely because we let them. In some cases, we've trained others to be needy in their relationship with us. We do so mostly because we lack the skill to relate well with high-maintenance people. And it's no wonder. For pastors and missionaries, how to relate well with difficult people isn't normally taught in seminaries or bible colleges. The rest of us haven't been taught either. The good news is that we can learn the skill we need to deal with the needy. One skill that would be helpful to learn in situations like this is to apply the ORA model of relationships that I've talked about a number of times. Observe - Reflect - Act. Observe Let's start with observe. What patterns of behavior do you see in the high-maintenance person, not isolated events, but patterns? What are the things that trigger those patterns? Is there one specific behavior that bothers me, or is it a constellation of behaviors? Is this person high-maintenance with just me, or is he or she like this with other people, too? How long has this person been so needy? Do you have any idea of when this person started being high-maintenance, or have they always been this way? We also need to observe what is going on inside of me. It's about self-awareness, one of the most important relational skills there is. Is there anything that high-maintenance people trigger within me? What buttons might people like this be pushing within me? Am I a people pleaser, and as hard as I try, there's just no pleasing this high-maintenance person in my life? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else in keeping people happy? Is saying “no” to people hard for me, and if it is, why? And is it possible, that my identity is so wrapped up in helping people that I kind of like it when they're needy? But only in the beginning, until they wear me out. Reflect After making these observations, we need to reflect. For example, reflect upon what's been done up to this point to deal with the needs of the high-maintenance person. What's worked and what hasn't? What other options do I have? To what extent have I been truthful with the high-maintenance person in my life? Reflect upon my limits. Have I exceeded them? Do I need more margin in my life in order to have the emotional energy to relate well with high-maintenance people and others in my life? Every time I say “yes” to what high-maintenance people ask of me means I'm saying “no” to something else. What is it costing me in other areas of my life to relate with needy people like this? Reflect upon what might be causing this high-maintenance person to be the way they are. Take a guess. Every behavior has a payoff, so what could be the payoff to the person being a difficulty to others? What's in it for them? Could their behavior be a manifestation of a mental illness? What have I done in the past when I just didn't know what to do? Are there other people who could help me in helping the high-maintenance person in my life? Reflect upon what Jesus would do in the situation you're in. Reflect upon what would be the loving thing to do. Not the nice thing, but the loving thing. What would benefit the high-maintenance person the most, long-term? And then reflect on this thought, do I already know what I should do, and I'm just reluctant to do it? Act Finally, after we observe and reflect, it's time to act in relating with the high-maintenance people in our life. Ask God for wisdom. He'll show you what to do. Reflect his character and image well in whatever action you take. Doing nothing can be a wise option as long as it's carefully thought out and considered in light of all the variables in play. The answer to “what should I do?” may very well appear to you after you reflect upon what you observed. It often happens that way. Listen well to high-maintenance people. Ask good questions. Look for meaning below the surface of their responses. Whatever you decide to do, be truthful and express that truth with kindness and compassion. Be honest. Tell the high-maintenance person what you can and can't do for them. Help them see the choices they have and the implications for each of them Above all, point people to Jesus. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Don't let high-maintenance people get the best of you. Use the ORA principle of deepening relationships to relate with them. Observe, Reflect, then Act. It's a skill. And as with any skill, it just takes practice. Closing I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about relating with high-maintenance people. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/177. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 020: Relating with People Who Talk Too Much 128: The Joy of Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    176: The Joy of Relationships by Watching Others

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 21, 2022 9:56


    In episode 166 a few months ago I shared stories about how we can experience the joy of relationships when people spread a little relational sunshine around. Today's episode is another story that shows how it's done. A story that will make you smile. One you can adapt to spark joy in your own relationships. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. Someone with a need Today's example of the joy of relationships started with my wife, Janet, and a particular need she had. We were preparing for a week at Forest Springs, a Christian camp where we've been going to for years with our son and his family. Janet felt the need for a pedicure before we went and checked in to the place where she's gone for this in the past. This time, though, She was disturbed by how much it was going to cost, as they had recently raised their rates. Sensing this problem, I offered to solve it. Because I'm a guy and that's what we do. “Let me paint your toenails, Janet,” I said gleefully. “I've never done it before, but how hard can it be? I'll watch a YouTube video to learn how. There are paint brushes in a tin can down in the basement I can use. All you need to do is get the paint you want, and we'll be good to go. Think how much money we'll save!” One joy of relationships is feeling free to ask for help Her response surprised me as it was not as appreciative as I had expected. She was not as confident in my skill level in this kind of thing as I was. “I think I'll ask Eleanor instead“, Janet replied. “I like the way she does her own toes; she's quite artistic, and maybe she'll do mine.” Yeah, right I thought. Eleanor is our 17-year-old granddaughter and was quite busy with tennis lessons, ballet practice, and her part-time job at Target. I know her heart would be in the right place, but she won't have time. A few days later Janet asked Eleanor if she would give her a pedicure. In the blink of an eye, Eleanor said, “Sue, Grandma. Of course. We'll make it a spa day!” A week later Eleanor drove over to our house for her and Janet's “Spa Day.” She's only 17, and I'm just starting to get used to her driving. I used to drive her to school every Tuesday, and now she's driving herself. She's growing up way too fast. The joy of relationships in blessing someone Anyway, she came to our house and went off into our small room where we have our TV and started in on Janet's toes. About halfway through the procedure, I wandered in and snapped a photo of our artist at work. It's the cover photo for today's episode. Be sure to look at it if you haven't already done so. Walking out of the room I thought, what kind of kid does this kind of thing? There are adults working at beauty salons for a living who hate the idea of touching someone's feet. Yet here Eleanor is doing this willingly. That evening I posted the photo on Facebook with the comment, You know your granddaughter loves you when she paints your toenails. That's the kind of kid who does that kind of thing. A girl who loves her grandmother. The scene so reminded me of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. Both scenes depict the joy of relationships. One person serving the needs of another. One person blessing another. The joy of relationships in watching others In reflecting on the photo I took and what it captures I witnessed the joy of relationships on several levels. It starts with Janet feeling free to ask Eleanor to help her, knowing how busy our granddaughter was. Eleanor could easily have said, I'd love to, but I'm too busy, and Janet would have understood. She would have been okay with that. Janet loves getting her toenails painted, and she felt blessed that Eleanor did this for her. Her joy tank was filled to overflowing. I felt joy in watching how this incident brought out the best in Eleanor. Whenever we willingly serve others it brings out the best in us. We were made for this, you know. I also felt Joy in seeing how my son and daughter-in-law raised Eleanor. Teenagers don't inherently want to paint their grandmother's toenails. Her parents disciplined her well at an early age, and instilled virtues in her that make joy in relationships possible. For me, I felt the joy of relationships just watching this bonding activity of our granddaughter with Janet. It had nothing to do with me, but it filled my heart with joy to see them relating with each other like this. When all 10 toes were painted to perfection, Janet and Eleanor left the house to go out for lunch and a little shopping - a perfect ending to their spa day. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? A couple of ideas from this episode come to mind. First off, ask for help from someone you normally wouldn't ask. Even ask a teenager. They can do more than we often give them credit for. Look for the Spirit of God working in the lives of people around you. Be sensitive to what pleases others. Be a joy giver, not just a joy watcher Watch people interact with each other. Develop your people-watching skills. Cultivate a holy curiosity. Observing the joy of relationships between two strangers can fill your heart, too. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode One of the great joys of life is the joy of relationships. We experience it by delighting in blessing other people, watching others do the same, and being thankful when people bless and delight in us. Closing I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about creating opportunities to experience the joy of relationships. For when you do, it will help you experience what God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/176. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 166: How to Spread a Little Relational Sunshine 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    175: Reflecting On Stories From Our Past Can Grow Us

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 14, 2022 14:31


    Relationship stories from our past have a way of shaping us years after they occurred. I have two of them that happened decades ago during this month of September. It wasn't until many years had passed that I understood the impact these two events had on my life. It's what I'm going to talk about in today's episode because I bet you have stories like this, too. Welcome to You Were Made for This Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c, dot com. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. Every September Both of the stories from my past that greatly affected me happened in September. The first has to do with my grandma, my dad's mother. Every Labor Day I saw her crying over the death of her daughter Helen in a car crash on Labor Day that happened many years ago in the late 1920s or early 30s. It was the only time I ever saw her cry. I felt so bad for her. My dad was pretty young at the time, not even a teenager yet. He was in the car with his sisters Helen and Josephine, and Grandma when it happened. Aunt Jo, as we called her, was driving the car. Everyone survived except Helen. During the time I was doing genealogy work in an effort to locate my birth father, I also found the death certificate of my dad's sister Helen in the Register of Deeds office. I took notes about it, but I can't find them. Maybe I'll go down there to look again if I can get in. I remember the name of the road where the crash took place, and where it happened. I've driven through this location. And when I do I always think of the heartache my Grandma experienced on that Labor Day so long ago, and how it stayed with her the rest of her life. Pain that doesn't go away This is one of the stories from my past that helped shape me. It was the first time, I saw an adult cry over pain in their life. A piece of my Grandmother's heart was ripped out of her decades ago and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it now. There was no way to make the pain of this traumatic loss go away. Yet in spite of this hole in her heart she was able to love me, and the rest of our family, along with her network of Slovenian immigrant friends. I wish I had asked questions about the crash. Questions of my dad or grandmother. Questions like: how did this affect everyone? What caused the accident? Was Aunt Jo responsible for the accident, or was someone else who crashed into them? Did she feel guilty? How did she and Grandma relate after the accident? What was Helen like? What kind of person was she? Where is she buried? What was my dad's relationship with Helen before she was killed? Anyone who could answer these questions are long gone. I had opportunities to ask my dad and grandma these questions, but like all of us, I was more concerned with issues facing me in the present. So I didn't ask them, and I'm at a loss for it. I didn't appreciate how this tragic event from the past affected my father and grandmother. Had I known more of what they went through back then it could have shed some light on how they both related to me in the present. The past often illuminates the present. I regret not learning this important relationship lesson earlier in life. I hope you learn it. Sooner rather than later. Another September tragedy Of all the relationship stories from my past, the most impactful one happened when I was 15 years old and my friend Mark, who lived across the street, was killed on September 10, 1964. I wrote about this in my book THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Here's a brief excerpt: “Of all the memories of my dad, however, the one that sticks out the most is the day Bozo died. I cringe now even using his name, but that is what we all affectionately called Mark, a neighbor boy who lived across the street. To refer to him now as Mark seems disrespectful. We all loved Bozo. Our neighborhood had lots of kids who hung around together, and we all got along well with each other. He was an integral part of our community, a community torn apart the evening Bozo was killed. “It was a few days after school started in September and my brother and I had just gone downstairs to do our homework in our basement bedroom—our boy cave. Suddenly, we heard unexpected footsteps coming down the stairs. It was our mother. Visibly shaken, she sat on one of our beds. “‘I have some very bad news to tell you.' “There was a long pause as she started to choke up, and then composed herself. “‘Bozo was riding his bike home from a park late this afternoon and was hit by a car. And he died.' “He died? Bozo is dead? How can that be? We just saw him yesterday. How could he be dead? I wondered. That just can't be. My family reacts to the tragic news “Quietly sobbing, my mother went back upstairs. Shortly thereafter, my brother Joe and I followed upstairs. I remember all of us wandering around in disbelief, like disoriented ants, not knowing what to think and feeling quite shocked. With dusk setting in, I looked out a window and saw something I will never forget. “There was Bozo's father, walking down the middle of the street of our quiet sleepy neighborhood, with my dad beside him, arm over his shoulder. My dad was no grief counselor. He had no training in this area, but he was a good neighbor and he cared for his friend. When I hear the expression 'walking with someone through difficult times,' I think of this image of my dad, who did this literally and figuratively for a neighbor whose son had just been killed. “I can't help but admire a man like that. For though he didn't treat me as well as he should have, he did the best he could. Relating to adults was easier for him; he was just unskilled in relating to his oldest son, who biologically was not his own. Yeah, I can have compassion for a dad like that, who had compassion for a grieving friend. I can forgive someone like him. Sure. I can do that. I should do that. Since I want to do that, I will. I will forgive. And I did.” THEM, Chapter 13, “Forgiveness”, pages 170-171 This story from my past grew me This story from my past grew me in several ways. It was my first realization that people close to me will one day die. I knew this in my mind, of course, but Bozo's death embedded this reality in my heart. When I was working on the book I wrote, I wasn't sure of the exact date and year of Bozo's death. So I went to the cemetery next to the church his family and mine attended. It took a while, but I found his gravestone. I took a photo of it and you can see in the show notes. He would be 71 today had he lived, instead of dying at age 13. I loved the inscription on his gravestone, “In God's Care.” I hope his parents and siblings believed this, and that it brought them comfort. It was important for me to go to his grave because it confirmed for me that what I thought happened many years ago actually did occur at the time I remembered. Do you ever think like this, where you second guess yourself about events from long ago? Did this really happen? Understanding may not come for many years And as I mentioned in the reading from the book, this experience grew me by seeing a side of my father that made it easier to forgive him for how he parented me. But I didn't really see it until many years later. What I witnessed that evening was an observation, but I was too immature to reflect on what I observed. It wasn't until many years later, with the Spirit of God working in my heart, that I could reflect on the meaning of that poignant scene of my dad walking down the middle of the street, his arm over the shoulder of a neighbor whose son had just been killed. So what does all this mean for YOU? What are the stories from your past that would be helpful to reflect upon now? Maybe now is the time to ask God to help you find a larger meaning to something that impacted you years ago. Maybe there's something you missed then that could help you grow now. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Stories from our past can continue to grow us. Reflecting on them through the lens of God's spirit within us will often yield deeper insights years later into what happened back then. Closing I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about reflecting upon stories from your past. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/175. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to, along with the book mentioned: 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    174: Labor Day - A Time to Reflect

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 7, 2022 19:48


    Here in the United States where I live we just finished celebrating Labor Day two days ago. It comes around every year on the first Monday in September. For many of us, it's the most melancholy of all our national holidays. Yet, Labor Day week is also a great time to reflect. Reflect upon what, you ask? Keep listening, for I answer this question in today's show. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end, dot com. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. The blandest of holidays - Labor Day Labor Day, as I mentioned, is the most melancholy of all US holidays. It marks the unofficial end of summer and the beginning of fall. It's the middle child of our national holidays. Labor Day doesn't honor any particular person or event in our nation's history. It's pretty nondescript; an afterthought among the rest of our holidays. Airports are not jammed with Labor Day holiday travelers. Labor Day became a national holiday in America in 1894 to honor working men and women. It grew out of labor unrest due to horrible working conditions in the later part of the 19th century. Other nations in the world have a similar holiday, often celebrating it on May 1st. For me, Labor Day week is a time to reflect on the nearly 25 years I spent in the executive recruiting business, helping companies fill their staffing needs and coaching people on how to find jobs. It makes me reflect on the things I learned about people and how a job fits into the rest of our life. I hope you know by now that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. One of those relationships is the job God provided for you. If you've ever earned a paycheck it was because of a relationship you had with the employer who paid you. So in keeping with this Labor Day holiday week, I thought it would help to take time to reflect on several important principles related to our relationship with our work. Principles of relationships at work Everyone is hired to solve a problemTake time to reflect on what problems you're helping to solve at work. What are you doing to bring in income to the organization, cut costs, or further your employer's mission in the world? Know the difference between a job and a career and act accordingly A job is a means to an end. It's a small part of our identity. A career is a larger part of who we are. It doesn't define us, but it's a big part. A stay-at-home-mom is a career, not a job. It too solves a problem. Take time to reflect on what you don't want to do for a career. Story of grandson Grant what he learned about himself in his internship To get ahead at work, think like an employer, not an employee Employees are driven by what's in it for them. An employer mindset thinks about furthering the purposes of the organization Reflect on this question, Do I have 10 years of experience in my job, or do I have 1 year of experience repeated 10 times? There's value in every work experience God doesn't waste any of our experiences. Don't you either. Take time to reflect on what you've learned from each one. Story of grandson Grant's camp counselor job getting him an internship with a research study Changing jobs for the sole reason of earning more money is a terrible idea. No employer cares what you're passionate about. They only care about results. It's the theme of Cal Newport's book, So Good They Can't Ignore You. Some people fail at jobs because they're a square peg in a round hole. If that's you, look for a square hole and you'll thrive. The church who sent one of their missionaries to us to answer the question, “Is he cut out to be a missionary?” Airplane mechanic running a missionary guest house in Africa Jobs/Careers are about working with things - people - or data. Change jobs/companies is always an option The greatest job satisfaction comes from using the abilities and talents God equipped you with. The greatest dissatisfaction comes when you don't. Parable of the servant and talents in Matthew 25:14-30 So what does all this mean for YOU? This Labor Day week, as we transition from summer to fall, is a great time to reflect on our jobs, careers, and the meaning they have in our lives. Ask God to help you in the process. The extent to which we apply the principles I mentioned, the more joy we'll experience in our job or career. Read Cal Newport's book, So Good They Can't Ignore You. Listen to Episode 025, "The Toughest Job in America" The main point of the episode is: How we relate to our job is often a reflection of how we relate to God. The episode contains several stories on how we view our jobs and careers. If you're a parent, pass these principles on to your kids. Share examples of them from your own experience at work. If you are no longer working, take time to reflect on how God led and sustained you during your working life. Thank him for those years and what you learned during that time. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Labor Day week is a great time to reflect on how to be all that God created us to be. It's an opportune time to think about the abilities and talents God hard-wired into us and to thank him for it. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about taking time to reflect on your work. To consider how the work you do can make best use of the skills and talents God created you with. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to today's episode is simply JohnCertalic.com/174. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 040: A Square Peg in a Round Hole 025: The Toughest Job in America 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where all past and future episodes live JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    173: Celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 31, 2022 10:18


    As the summer winds down here on the last day of August, many of us are going through a relationship transition of one kind or another. Kids going off to school for the first time. Sons and daughters heading off to college. And those of us left behind to face an unfamiliar future where those we love are no longer around as they once were. Relationship transitions are unique opportunities to bring out the best in us. It's what today's episode is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end, dot com. Now about those relationship transitions I mentioned earlier “Transition” is a common buzzword you hear in missionary circles these days. They talk about it often because missionaries experience so many of them. Transitions from one culture to another. Countless goodbyes to people we know and love one day, and hellos to complete strangers in another culture the next. Here's another thing about transitions. Did you know that in August we have National Single Working Women's Day, Dog Appreciation Day, and Middle Child Day? And August 31st, the day this episode first airs, we have National Relationship Transitions Day. I think about it every year at this time when I recall how a long time ago we sent our kids went off to kindergarten for the very first time. And then years later when they left home for college. Those were days filled with both sadness and joy, mixed all together - like a ham and cheese omelet stuffed with broccoli. Other examples of relationship transitions More recently I saw joy and sadness at a high school graduation party this summer for a friend's son. She talked about the joy of her son completing high school on such a high note. But then her eyes teared up at the mention of him leaving home for college in a few weeks. “I don't even want to think about it,” she whispered. Then there are those nostalgic Facebook posts popping up of moms and dads commenting on sending their kids off to kindergarten for the first time, and how it seems like just two months ago when they brought them home from the hospital as infants. I recently heard another example of relationship transitions on a podcast, when out of left field the host reflected on how melancholy she was feeling thinking about sending her twin daughters off to college for the first time. Relationship transitions like these are happening all around us. Children go through relationship transitions themselves I had an interesting conversation with our twin grandsons recently. They're both 20 now and in college. When I asked them what was the most difficult transition they faced in advancing through their educational career, they surprised me. I thought they would have said from high school to college. They actually said that was the easiest. The hardest for them was going from elementary school to middle school. That's been the most challenging transition they've faced thus far. So how do you celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day? How can we use it to bring out the best in us? If you're going through a relationship transition yourself Remind yourself of the joy during an earlier time in your relationship. Savor memories of past joy. At the same time, develop a “holy anticipation” of the potential joy that could await you in the future. Here's an example of a future joy I would never have anticipated. It happened yesterday: The story of my grandson Grant whipping out his credit card to buy me a cup of Starbucks coffee at the mall. It was a complete role reversal for a moment. More moments like this will come. Be patient. There's no guarantee, but those you cared for so deeply earlier may likely care well for you in the future. If someone you care about is going through a relationship transition Here are a few ideas. Reach out to a parent of a child getting on the school bus for the first time, and ask how they're doing. Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. “How did it go for you?” In either case, send a card or note in the mail that says something along the lines of “I've been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and then enter this new unknown one.” Something like that. In essence, let people you know going through a relationship transition that you're thinking of them, and maybe even praying for them. There's something comforting in simply knowing someone else knows what you're dealing with. Let them know you know it's hard, and that you're pulling for them. All of these ideas are examples of Romans 12:15, Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Relationship transitions are opportunities to care for people by letting them know you've been there too, and you know how difficult these transitions can be. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard. Reach out to someone in a relationship transition to let them know you care. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to this episode is JohnCertalic.com/173. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 24, 2022 16:35


    Developing deeper relationships is the topic of today's show, and is a follow-up to last week's episode, no. 171. It was an encore episode of an interview I did with Charley and Ruth Shirley in late 2018. It came about from Charley's Facebook post with a photo of his wife of 30 some years cleaning the grave marker of Charley's first wife who was killed in a tragic car accident five months into their marriage. I've posted Charley's Facebook photo in the show notes. It was taken by Charley and Ruth's adult daughter, Lucy. It's a beautiful story I hope you go back to listen to if you haven't already heard it. Their story illustrates eight principles that can help each of us develop deeper relationships in our own lives. And that's what I'm going to talk about in today's show. Welcome to You Were Made for This Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I am your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. Last week's episode, #171 In last week's episode, #171, Charley tells the story of his wife, Ruth, and their adult daughter Lucy, who were returning from taking their oldest daughter off to graduate school out East. On their way home, they were passing through Youngstown, Ohio where Charley's first wife was buried. Some time ago Charley had mentioned to Lucy that if she were ever near Youngstown he would appreciate it if she would stop by the grave of his first wife, Bev, and pay her respects. Charley started by talking about Lucy calling him at work while she and Ruth were near Youngstown, Ohio to get directions to find the grave, which was a bit of a challenge. Anxious to get home from their thousand-mile road trip, Ruth spoke about initially not wanting to stop. But she knew it would mean a lot to Charley, and also to their youngest daughter Lucy. So she did. Once they found the grave marker, Ruth cleaned it up with the only thing she had - her car keys. While she did, Lucy snapped a picture of Ruth cutting weeds and grass from around the grave marker. Ruth talked about how this moment deeply affected her and Lucy, how they both cried, and how Ruth described it as standing on “holy ground.” Ruth also talked about the profound effect this had on Lucy. Deeper relationships sometimes cast shadows Charley talked about the shadow that Lucy cast while taking a picture of her mother cleaning the grave marker. He saw a connection in this shadow between Lucy and Bev, as they were both the second child of their respective parents. He summed it up best when he said the point of this story for him was about healing. How what his 2nd wife, and 2nd daughter, did to honor his first wife brought closure to a tragedy that happened over 30 years ago. That was the interview in a nutshell of episode #171. I came away from our time together with Charley and Ruth with several important lessons and principles about deeper relationships that would serve all of us well if we practiced them in our relationships. Principles and observations about deeper relationships 1.Healing often takes time. Sometimes a long time. It had been over 33 years since Charley's first wife, Bev, had died. And this graveyard story of a few years ago contributed to Charley's healing. We need to be patient with others and ourselves with the time it takes to heal. For Charley, and for some of us, the healing comes from clarifying what our future holds. 2. It pays to listen well to people, especially the people closest to us. On the way home from Connecticut to Wisconsin, Lucy REMEMBERED what her dad had said, “If you ever are near Youngstown, Ohio…..” Lucy had a holy curiosity about her dad's past. She asked about Bev. She wanted to know, because she realized that this particular relationship is an important part of his life. And her relationship with her dad is an important part of hers. To care well usually takes sacrifice. I felt for Ruth in this story. After moving your daughter into a 3rd-floor apartment on a hot summer day, and then start off on a thousand-mile road trip back home, and then to take a time-consuming detour to look for the grave of someone you never met, well that's sacrifice. Limited resources should not hold us back 4. Sometimes the best care we can provide is when we have limited resources and don't know what to do. Ruth and Lucy had difficulty finding the cemetery, and then the grave. But the difficulty didn't stop them. All they had were car keys. Ah, the car keys. 5. It's okay when our first inclination is to not inconvenience ourselves for the sake of another. That's normal. Ruth was very transparent in saying she felt guilty about her initial reaction. What is beautiful is when we move past our first thoughts because we know we can honor and bless someone if we don't give in to our basic human preference for convenience. Hats off to Ruth! 6. God at times uses symbols within events to let us know he loves us, cares for us, and that he is there for us. The picture of Lucy's shadow over Ruth cleaning Bev's grave marker. Ruth cleaning up what others have ignored. For Charley, it “closed the loop,” as he put it.Lucy's shadow in the picture represented the future he wondered about over 30 years ago. Because he was able to move well through his grief after that tragic event happened, he was able to re-marry. He was able to have children, one of whom cast a shadow over both his current and former wife. Lucy's shadow connected the three of them to bring closure to the tragedy that happened so long ago We're all connected to each other 7. We really are all connected to each other, if for no other reason than we all come from the same source, God himself. Some day in eternity we will see all these connections, some of which we don't quite understand in this life. For those of us with a relationship with Jesus, we will see Bev one day, and I bet she will thank Charley for sharing the story of their 21 months together. She will thank Ruth and Lucy for honoring her the day they cleaned off her grave marker. And all of us will give thanks to the Lord for the relationships he gave us, which if we look carefully enough, we'll see, all point directly back to him. 8. There are things God is doing in our lives that at times we just cannot explain. Why did Charley survive the car accident and Bev didn't. The feeling of “Holy Ground” that Ruth talked about over Bev's grave. Lucy feeling a connection with Bev, her father's first wife. Unrelated to her by blood, but somehow related by spirit in ways we cannot explain. Shadows really do connect us. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode We develop deeper relationships with people when we listen well to each other, inconvenience ourselves for other people at times, and realize we're all connected with each other by virtue of the fact that each of us has been created in the Image of God. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? I'd encourage you to ask yourself, and God, what deeper relationships could you nurture based on the relationship principles we talked about today? Namely, give people time to heal. Listen well to others. Sacrifice your time and energy. Use your limited resources to bless others. Fight through your natural inclination to be self-centered. Look for ways God is connecting you with someone else. Things like this. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about developing deeper relationships with people. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/172. And of course, if you haven't listened to episode 171 which is the actual interview with Charley and Ruth, please do that. JohnCertalic.com/171. Finally, don't forget to spread a little sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 171: We're All Connected with Each Other 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    171: We're All Connected with Each Other

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 17, 2022 22:51


    The first interview I ever did on this podcast was about how we are all connected with each other. It was episode 8 where my wife and I sat in the living room of two friends from church, Charley and Ruth. It's where Charley shared the story of what his wife Ruth and their daughter did to help bring healing and closure to the death of Charley's first wife, some 30 years ago. It's a remarkable story I'm re-telling today because of the relationship lessons it illustrates. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I am your host,  John Certalic,  your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com. Scroll down half a page or so to sign up and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. Interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley - an Encore from episode 008 Here we go with my interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley. It's one of my favorites. Sorry, there's no transcript available of the interview. Click here to listen to it. Connected with each other: final thoughts This interview really touched me. In reflecting on it, I came away with eight lessons I learned from my conversation with Charley and Ruth. I spoke with Carol about them and she said if I talked about them now, it would detract from the power of the interview itself, “just get off the air as quickly as you can,” was her advice. So I'm going to do just that. That was good advice from Carol way back in episode 8. What we decided to do back then, and what we're doing this time, is to use next week's episode, to go over the 8 lessons I learned from Charley's story. They are practical relationship principles we can use in our own relationships. We'll have all that for you in episode 172 next week. So what does what you heard in this interview mean for YOU? It raises two questions. The first is like the healing Charley experienced 30 some years after a tragedy in his life; where have you seen God care for you in unusual or mysterious ways? It also makes me wonder if there are opportunities God is placing in front of you to honor someone, to care for another in ways that reflect the image and character of God? Similar to how Charley's wife, Ruth, and his daughter Lucy cared for him. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode We are all connected with each other because we're all created in the image of God. It's what enables us to bring healing and comfort to each other. Closing In closing, I hope today's show stimulated your thinking. To put into practice what you've just heard about how we are connected with each other. For we are all created in the image of God and designed to reflect that image well. Well, that's about it for today. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's program. If you think of someone who could benefit from today's show, please send them a link to today's episode, JohnCertalic.com/171. And also, don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Quote of the Week “Often we are attached to people in ways we don't understand.” - Ruth Shirley, and her daughter Lucy Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    170: When People Disappoint Us

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 10, 2022 15:09


    In just a few weeks many of us with school-age kids will be sending them off for the next chapter in their educational lives. Others of us who home school will be calling them to the kitchen table for the same purpose.In either case, an unintended relationship lesson kids learn at one point or another in their schooling is that people will disappoint us. Today's episode is about how we can respond to this disappointment in ways that will bring out the best in us. Regardless if we're in kindergarten, or a graduate of the School Hard Knocks, class of 1958 and beyond. But before we get into all this here's Carol Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic. Hey thank you, Carol, and yes it's me, John Certalic. I'm your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. For today I have a story that's an encore from way back in episode 53. It involves snow. And lots of it. Which is especially pleasant to think about in light of the heat wave sweeping across the US and Europe here in August of 2022. It's a story about one of my grandkids who saw first-hand how people disappoint us. And then I'll have a few comments from me on how we can respond to this disappointment, regardless of our age or where we are in life. Let's begin. Children lose their innocence when they see how people disappoint us If you have ever spent any significant time around children, do you remember the times your heart ached for them when they discovered that life can be harsh? Where they experienced the sadness of relational pain? When your child's network of friends all get invited to a birthday party, except your kid? When a child's favorite pet dies? When all you teenager's friends have been asked to homecoming, but not yours? These examples raise the question of “Who's going to be there for me when I need them?” When children face the harsh reality that people they thought would be there for them, aren't, we call it a loss of innocence. You see this theme in literature all the time. To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic example. Scout, the young girl in the story comes face to face with the racism she sees in the adults her small town in the South. And loss of innocence doesn't stop with childhood. Let me share a story that illustrates this, and then a way we can best deal with this inconvenient relationship reality. Help from our grandson Trip to visit our daughter in SC, when back home we had a 7” snowfall Our son Michael texted, “have you made arrangements for the snow?” He sent George, our 18-year-old grandson, over the next day to shovel. I hadn't shown him how to use our snowblower. I told George just to clear a path to the garage for our car, and I would finish the rest with our snowblower when I got home. George texted me when he was finished and said, “It was some of the heaviest snow I've ever shoveled, but I got it done.” We returned home a few days later and I stopped over to pay him. Grandson George observes how people disappoint us At the end of a conversation about some small talk regarding other things, George brought up his shoveling experience again and said, I was out there a long time shoveling, and after awhile, I wondered why none of your neighbors stopped over to ask if they could help. I mean, when our neighbor Mrs. Fibeena was alive, Grant and I would always shovel her driveway. And our neighbor Don across the street, we shoveled the driveway for him, and now for his wife since he died last year. But none of your neighbors offered to help shovel. At least 24 hours had passed since the snowfall ended, and all the other driveways in the neighborhood were snow-free. But not ours. The tone of George's voice was genuine surprise that no neighbors offered to help out with a need another neighbor had. It was so contrary to his experience, where he lived 3 miles away that he and his brother (and sister) were used to. “We help our neighbors” is a value his parents are raising him with. He wasn't complaining or whining at all. His wistful comments came across to me as a sociological observation and reflection upon human nature, with a twinge of sadness to it. When people disappoint us it can come as a surprise My heart ached for George, that he saw this side of human nature about our neighbors that was so contrary to his own experience. I even briefly thought "maybe we better move.” I know George sees this side of humanity on a daily basis with his peers. He's no stranger to seeing the less flattering side of the human condition. But his surprise with our neighbors' lack of help showed that at 18 years of age he's lost another measure of childhood innocence. That people you would have thought would have been there for you, other adults, were not. I also sensed he was feeling bad for me, that these were the kind of neighbors we have. My heart ached for his kind and tender heart. George knew what our former neighborhood was like; he saw it first hand, with people like Kevin who lived across the street. While some people disappoint us now, others in the past did the opposite In our former neighborhood, Kevin and I cleared driveways of snow for 3 neighbors. They were all older than us. Kevin did more than me. When my mother died in March years ago, we had a late winter snowfall of 3-4 inches the day of her funeral. I didn't have time to snow blow the driveway before the service, as we had to leave in a hurry. But when we got home later that day, Kevin or one of the other neighbors had cleared our driveway of snow. No one asked them to. They just did it. Because our snow-covered driveway told people something was wrong, so they stepped in to help. Sometimes people disappoint us when our expectations are unrealistic Getting back to George's observation, I can imagine all kinds of legitimate reasons why people didn't help. If any of them would listen to this podcast, I'm sure they'd have a reasonable explanation for not helping out. Some of them might even be irritated at me for suggesting someone should have helped. After all it's not my neighbor's responsibility to keep my driveway clear of snow. The fact I helped clear their drive a few times, doesn't mean they owe me a return favor. I certainly get that. I don't want to be critical, I just want to make an observation. And that is in this one instance with George, our current neighborhood personified what the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12: 2, “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world.” The pattern of this world, at least in our neighborhood, is NOT to help others in a jam. Keep to yourself. Take care of #1. Don't extend yourself. “That's the behavior and custom of this world.” We have nice people in our neighborhood. People are cordial and respectful of one another, and I suspect there are examples of caring and helping others that I'm not aware of. It's one thing for people to disappoint us. It's another when they disappoint those we love Nevertheless, my heart still aches a bit for George. And it may very well be my heart aches more for myself than him. George is a very caring person, you might remember me talking about him in an earlier episode, how even as a first or second grader, he would hold open the door to his school to let teachers and other adults enter before him. I notice in caring people, and myself, that every now and then. Not often, but every now and then, you wonder, “When is it going to be my turn? When are people going to care for me, the way I care for them? I wonder if that was what George was feeling when he shoveled snow off our driveway. I know this thought crosses my mind every now and then, and it can lead to a sense of sadness really quickly. How are we to respond to this inconvenient relational reality I described? Ask God for the wisdom and power to: Resist the temptation to assign bad motives to people who do not care for us the in the way we want to be cared for. Everyone has stuff going on in their lives we are unaware of. Cut people some slack. Extend grace. Take to heart Philippians 2:4, and obey the command, “Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.” As Mr. Rogers, Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood tells us, “look for the helpers.” As adults, look for the helpers and try to be like them. Look for the role models we can emulate. Become a role model for others. The best version of yourself will have a strong component of caring for others. Be courageous and ask for help when you need it. Be okay with the feelings of sadness if they come. Don't minimize or flee from it. Just sit in for awhile, and before you know it, they will pass. Especially as you move forward with being a caring person yourself. If you forget everything else, here's the one thing I hope you remember from today's episode When people you thought would be there for you, fail to show up, respond with grace. Ask God to help you to be there for others, even if they don't show up for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to respond in healthy ways when people disappoint us. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

    169: A Daughter's Feel-Good Story About Her Father

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 3, 2022 25:56


    It's hard to see the goodness of God sometimes in the midst of all the stress and turmoil going on in the world. What really helps though is coming across a feel-good story where we see God's hand in filling a void in someone's heart that's been there for a very long time. For when we see God filling a hole in someone else's heart, we can have confidence that He can fill a void in ours too. I've got such a story for you today. It's one of my favorites. But before we get into it, here's Carol: Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic. I'm John Certalic, your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. You are listening to episode 169. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all our episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. C-E-R-T-A-L-I-C dot com. I'll have a link to it in the show notes. You'll then get a brief email from me each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. Today's feel-good story Back on the podcast today is Gail Rohde, who has been on the show several other times talking about what it's been like as someone who was adopted into a good family, but who as a grown adult with teenage children felt a longing to find her biological mother and father. I'll have links to those previous episodes at the end of the show notes. Today though, there's been a new development in Gail's story that she shared with me in a recent phone call. Keep listening, or you can read the transcript of our conversation in the show notes. Transcript of the telephone conversation John (00:00): Gail, I noticed that you have now set a record for being on the podcast with the most episodes. You were in episodes 29 and 30 when we talked about your search for your birth parents. And then also 124, just not too long ago. Gail (00:17): Wow. John (00:17): So this is going to look really good on your resume. I hope you appreciate that. Gail (00:24):
I do. I do. I feel honored. John (00:25): Yeah. Well, for those that are new to the podcast and don't quite remember, we had talked in episodes 29 and 30 about the fact that you're adopted, and what that was like for you as a child. You were told at an early age that you were adopted. You had great, great parents, but you always wondered about who your mom and dad were, your birth parents anyway. Gail (00:51): Right. A feel-good story about finding one's mother John (00:51): And we had talked also about you had tracked down your birth mother, and started a relationship with her, and that has been going well. But the new element that I want to chat with you today is finding your birth father, and actually meeting him. I think the last episode, 124, I had asked the question of you and others what are you looking forward to and what are you dreading? And you had mentioned meeting your birth father fell into both categories, as something you were looking forward to, but something you were dreading too. Gail (01:29): Right. John (01:30):
So, can you tell us how you actually did meet, and what that was like, and how that's been going for you? Gail (01:38): Sure. So, we had been talking on the phone for about the last year-and-a-half every now and then, maybe once or twice a month. And had great conversations, learning about each other, learning about each other's lives, but they were fairly short conversations, about 15, 20 minutes, maybe a half hour. So, there's only so much you can really get to know each other in that amount of time. And I think we had tried to do a couple of video chats, but everybody kept freezing, and it was hard to talk. And so that was disappointing, it was hard to really get a feel for who he was, and who his wife was. Meeting Dad for the first time Gail (02:19): And so we finally were able to set up a time to meet last month. And we both drove part way, and met in the middle. They knew this resort town, and so we got a place there and decided to meet. So, we were able to do that. And yeah, it was fantastic. I was so nervous, very anxious going into it, and I don't know why. I knew it was going to go well. He was going to be gracious. I knew he was going to be wonderful. I knew he was going to like his grandkids. But there was still that lingering what if I get rejected kind of feeling underneath. But I would say the minute that we saw each other, and gave each other a big hug, it just all melted away and then it was just great after that. So yeah, it was really great. John (03:21): Well, good. Well, I'm glad that went well for you. What was it like, maybe even before you met in person, when he admitted that he was your father? What did he have to say about his relationship with your birth mother? This feel-good story didn't always feel good Gail (03:38): Well, and it's interesting. I get a different story from each of them. They have very different perspectives on it. So for him, he said that it was kind of a fling. It wasn't a very deep or long-term relationship. And when I was born, he was actually on his way being deployed to Vietnam. And so he had received a letter from my mom with my photograph in it, and he took it to his sergeant and said, "What do I do with this?" And he said, "The sergeant said, "Oh, this happens all the time. I'll take care of it." And that was the last he saw of me. He gave the letter and the picture to his sergeant, and that was the end. And then by the time he came back from the war, he was dealing with PTSD. He was in another relationship, and I think it just kind of got lost. John (04:36): Wow, yeah. Yeah. Different versions of the same story Gail (04:37):
So yeah, it's a very different story, or a different take on what I had learned from my mom, but totally understandable for me. I mean, it made sense, and I get it. John (04:52): Yeah. Gail (04:55):
There's no ill will. It's not like he took off and didn't want to have anything to do with me. It was bad timing. John (05:03):
Yeah. Yeah. I remember in one of the previous episodes that you were told that he was a medical student when ... Gail (05:12): Mm-hmm. John (05:13): Was that true? Gail (05:16): I don't know that he was a medical student at the time, but he did end up becoming a physician's assistant. So, he was, I don't know if he was headed in that direction, or maybe he had started. I haven't really clarified that with him, but that is the path he took. John (05:37): Yeah. Gail (05:38):
So, that was accurate. Other people in this feel-good story John (05:41):
How did your father's wife and his kids and grandkids deal with the news that they had a new relative that they didn't know about? Gail (05:54): Well, it's funny because, and I can't remember if I told this story last time, when I sent him my initial letter, I sent it by mail thinking that he'll get it. And I didn't want to cause any riffs with his wife, I had no idea what that was going to be like. And I guess they were together, and she picked up the mail out of the mailbox. They drove up to the mailbox, she got it, she's looking through it. She's like, "Oh, you got a personal letter from some girl." And she said something like, "Is this about an old girlfriend?" And he's like, "No, just open it." And so she started reading it, and she stopped, she's like, "It kind of is." John (06:33): Wow. Gail (06:34): But she's been so wonderful, and so great, and so accepting. And I probably talk to her just as much as I talk to him. She's just really been great. I haven't met any of my siblings. They all know about me, but I've only heard how those conversations went. So, it sounds like it's all fairly positive, so that's good. Nobody's mad about me, or ... Feel-good stories can be complicated sometimes John (07:09): Yeah. Yeah. I remember when we talked last when you were saying that you were on the one hand looking forward to meeting your birth father, but also dreading meeting him. And I think part of it as I recall was what is the impact going to be with your birth mother? Gail (07:26): Yeah. John (07:29):
How have you navigated that whole dynamic? Gail (07:38): Yeah, I mean that's been a little hard. It's in a good place. Our whole family went out to visit her over spring break, and that's the first time we've all been out there. And so we just had a really wonderful time. And there was a period of time in there that we had just the two of us, and we talked about it. She brought it up, and admitted that it had been very hard, but she knows that I have a right to know who my dad is, and I have a right to meet him. And that she knows she needs to be okay with that. And then I was able to reassure her that I knew that she's worried that he's going to take me away from her, or that I'm going to like him more than I like her. Reassuring Mom Gail (08:28): And I just reassured her, "I'm not going anywhere. If I leave, it's up to me, it's not up to him. He's not going to take me away from you, that's my decision. And I decide to stay with you. I'm always going to be here, we're always going to be here." So, just really tried to reassure her that it's really not changing my relationship with her. So, I haven't been putting it in her face. I didn't tell her when I was going out to see him, she knew I was going to be. And when I came back, we talked on the phone and she said, "You saw him didn't you?" And I said, "Yeah." [inaudible 00:09:16]. And she said, "I'm fine with that, and I'm resolved." John (09:19): Oh, good. Some feel-good stories involve healing Gail (09:19):
So, I think there's been a lot of healing. I think it's going to be okay, yeah. I've just been trying to make sure she knows that everything's going to be the same between us. John (09:34):
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I really appreciate your concern for her too, and knowing that it brings out her fragileness a little bit, and understandably so. Gail (09:45): Yeah. John (09:46):
What kind of questions did you ask your dad, your birth father? Do you remember anything in particular? Gail (09:53):
Yeah, we talked a lot. And when we got together, his wife brought pictures of him from his childhood, his young adulthood, his time in Vietnam. She had all these pictures of family members. So, we were able to just sit around the table one night, and they were showing me pictures, and he was telling stories. John (10:19): Wow. Old photos helped fill in the gaps in this feel-good story Gail (10:20): And it was really neat. It was really, really neat. And so, we were able to take pictures of all of those pictures with our phone, so now I have all of those pictures. They gave me all sorts of family information, who my grandparents were, all of my siblings, and their birthdays. And just have just been very, very great. And talking about his life, talking about any questions I have. He kept asking me, "Do you have any questions?" I don't know, you've told me so much stuff I don't even know what to ask. John (10:53): Yeah. Gail (10:55):
So, yeah, it's been really good. They're just very open. And yeah, he's just been so gracious about everything. John (11:06):
Yeah. And what a great idea to bring all those pictures so that you had a picture of what his life was like in the past. Gail (11:13):
Yeah, it was so neat to be able to see pictures of him around the time when I was born. I'm just like, "Wow." So, that was neat. And the other really, really fun thing for me is I look so much like him. John (11:27):
Oh, I was going to ask you about that. Yeah. "It feels good to look like my father" Gail (11:30): Yeah. There's some resemblance to my mom, if you look hard enough you can kind of tell that we're related. But he and I any time I posted a picture on Facebook, and everyone's like oh yeah, who would question you're not related? It's pretty obviously. So, that's fun for me because I always felt like I never looked like anyone. So, that's a really super special thing for me. John (11:56):
Yeah. Do you feel that this has brought closure to your quest to know more about who you are, and where you've come from? Gail (12:07):
Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I mean, even to think of all that's happened in the last three years, and in some ways it seems like I've known a lot longer all these questions. I mean, there's just a settledness to me that it just feels like this is how it is now. And other days, I just sit and think wow, never on this Earth did I think I would know names of my parents, much less to know them personally. John (12:45): Yeah. Gail (12:45):
And just how amazing it is. And yeah, it's just so fantastic. God's involvement in this feel-good story John (12:55): Mm-hmm. Where have you seen God involved in this, Gail, in this search not just for your birth father, but your birth mother? And just kind of filling in some gaps in your personal life story that you always wondered about. Where have you seen God involved in this? Gail (13:17): I mean, I just feel like I've seen him every step of the way. How everything happened, I think it started way back when my husband bought me the DNA test years ago. Just to help me know what nationality I am, and do I have any diseases I need to worry about for my kids? And in that, and through that I never even would have thought to buy a DNA test. I didn't even really know it was a thing. And through that to be able to get so many answers, and so much peace. To meet my mom first, who I think I needed to meet her first. I needed to have that resolution. There's something about the birth mom, it's a different expectation, or a different [inaudible 00:14:22]. Growing up looking for mom Gail (14:22): I grew up looking for my mom at the mall, that's who I was looking for, I was looking for my mom. So, to find her first and to have that resolution. And then to be able to work through with her finding my dad, and then having this completion. And then with my dad now to have new siblings.  My mom was all by herself, so it didn't really bring a lot of family relationships. But then with my dad, now there's all these siblings, and nieces, and nephews, and aunts. And some have reached out to me, I have a sister-in- law and an aunt who has reached out to me. And I'm like wow. Yeah, I mean it's just all of it all I can do is just say, "Thank you God." There's nothing else to say. John (15:09):
Yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy for you that it's come out this way. Where do you see things headed forward now with all of this? Timing is everything in this feel good story Gail (15:30): I see every visit as a gift. Neither my parents nor I are young anymore, so every visit that we can have, every time we talk on the phone is a gift. Just trying to be able to get to know them as much as I can while I have them. And I mean hopefully I have them for the next 20 years, that would be great. But just really recognizing it for the gift that it is, and appreciating that, and appreciating them, and taking advantage of everything I can. John (16:09): Yeah. Yeah. One part of your story that really captured my heart was that when you were telling about your adopted dad and what a great guy he was, I know you had a good relationship with your mom, but you were closer with your adopted father. And how when he was diagnosed with ALS, he had asked you about did you want his help in locating your birth parents? And at the time you weren't that interested. But then later you processed it that he knew that his time was short here on Earth, and he didn't want you to feel like you were fatherless. I just thought that was really incredible, and really a gift from God. Yeah. A second family when the first one passes away Gail (16:57):
Yeah. And in my mind, I just picture him just smiling at this whole situation. Just being so happy that I have this, because now both he and my mom are gone, and so now I have kind of my second family. John (17:17): Yeah. Gail (17:17):
And I think that that would bring him great joy. John (17:23): Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I'm really impressed with your birth father too, the fact that he is so happy to reconnect with you. Some would not be. I think I shared a story with my birth father, he wasn't happy, he was just apathetic, he could care less. And the fact that your birth father is wanting to have a relationship with you, because it's part of his past too. And then the acceptance of his wife of you into their life, I think is just really commendable. Really commendable. "Welcome to the family!" Gail (18:02): Yeah, I think the whole thing has played out the best way it possibly could. When I wrote that letter to him, I was ready, I had to mentally prepare myself for anything including rejection. And just to know that okay, well I tried. I had to be ready for that. And when he got tested, and he wanted to confirm through DNA. And when he got the results back and he called me and just said, "Welcome to the family." John (18:34): Well, thanks again for your time, and for this wonderful story. I just find it very encouraging, Gail, on several different levels. Just encouraging how you've managed to navigate this relationship with your birth mom, and your birth dad, and some of the dynamics of that with your mother especially. And actually being able to meet with your birth father is just a wonderful story of completion. Gail (19:03): It is. It is. John (19:04): Yeah. Family relationships aren't always easy Gail (19:05): 
And it's not always easy. There's hard times, and there's hard feelings. And you get more family, you get more problems, right? That's not always problem free, but it's worth it. John (19:20): Yeah, very true. Very true. Well again, thanks so much for your time, and for sharing this story with all of our listeners. I got some really good feedback the last three episodes too, and I'm sure I'm going to get the same with this one too. Gail (19:38): Wonderful, yeah. My 19-year-old sat down next to me just before Mother's Day, and it was when we were in the process of planning meeting my dad. He sat down, he says, "Dang mom, you collect parents like they're going out of style." I said, "Yeah, well more grandparents for you." He says, "Oh, that's true." John (19:57):
Yeah. Well, that's very true. That's very true. Gail (20:01):
So, I'm done now. I have no more parents to find, so I'm done. John (20:06):
Okay, great. Great. Okay. It helps to share our story Gail (20:09):
Thanks, John. I appreciate you helping me talk through this too. It's really good for me to be able to get that perspective too. I don't always think that. John (20:17):
Yeah, sometimes it's good to just talk out loud what's going on inside your head. I sure believe that. Gail (20:23): It's true. John (20:24):
And thank you for sharing all of that. And not just what's going on in your head, but what's going on in your heart, which you've done so well here, so ... Gail (20:32): Thanks. John (20:33):
Well, you have a great rest of your afternoon, and thanks again. And we will stay in touch. Gail (20:40): Sounds great; I would love that. John (20:41):
Thank you, Gail, bye now. Gail (20:43): Bye-bye. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Sometimes we just need a feel-good story to remind us of the goodness of God. When we see him meet the longing of someone else, we can rest in knowing that He can meet our deepest longings, too. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope this feel-good story makes you, well, feel good. It did for me. I spent years wondering about my birth father, and then months working to track him down. And when I finally met him in person, it didn't go nearly as well as Gail's meeting did. That's a subject for another podcast. But my experience hasn't diminished my joy in hearing Gail's experience one bit. Her joy is infectious, and I loved sharing in it. And I love seeing how God worked in her life. I hope you did, too. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast you think might be interested in today's topic. Especially parents who have adopted, and also adult adoptees. And anyone else who could use a feel-good story like this one. And as we talk frequently around here, don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you next time. Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Related episodes mentioned in today's show 029: An Adoption Relationship Story- Part 1 030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2 124: Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

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