You Were Made for This

An important quality to look for in a friend is reflective thoughtfulness. It will help us become more reflective and thoughtful ourselves. It's the topic for today's episode, “An Important Quality to Look for In a Friend.” Before we get into today's program I want you to know this is the second last episode of season 5 of You Were Made for This. Next week, September 1, concludes season 5 with episode 120. Then the following week, the first Wednesday after Labor Day here in the United States, Season 6 will begin. Unlike last year, there is no break between Season 5 and 6. I mentioned last year there's a rhythm I feel when summer comes to an end, and the kids go back to school. I also used to go back to school when I was a teacher for 7+ years. And I can't get that rhythm out of my system.  For me, September is the start of all things new, even more so than January first. I can already feel the back-to-school adrenaline ramping up production in my body. I wonder if any of you have these same back-to-school feelings. Well on to today's program When our kids were little we used to talk to them about what qualities to look for in choosing a friend. And for the most part, they did a fine job of picking friends that brought out the best in them, and vice versa. It's now decades later and I'm thinking about the same thing about my choice of friends. There's a list of virtues I think most of us would agree upon, so there's no need to go into those. But there is one other quality I've grown to appreciate in people lately. A quality I've become increasingly aware of that I haven't paid as much attention to in the past. Keep listening to learn what I've grown to value more in people, and what you could be looking for as well to add more depth to your relationships How I stumbled upon this one quality to look for in a friend One of the things I enjoy about doing this podcast is getting feedback from listeners and my interaction with some of you. Just recently I saw a common thread from podcast responses from two listeners, along with one Facebook post from another listener and friend. All three of them stimulated my thinking because each demonstrates an important quality I appreciate in a friend A friend's response to episode 115 on becoming more self-aware The first one comes from Darlene, a listener and family friend, in response to episode 115 on becoming more self-aware. I'll put links to any of the episodes I mention today in the show notes. Here's what Darlene said, quoting from that 17th-century nun's prayer I talked about in that episode: “'Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places'. One of my favorite lines in Sister Olivia's wise, sweet, deep, meaningful, spunky prayer!" Darlene then goes on to say, “Thinking of your friend as he and his daughter mark the first year without their beloved wife and mom. It is only grace that carries you through and into living in the changes such loss brings to the soul. “ Her comments are in reference to my friend Martin, who lost his wife Suzanne to a brain aneurysm on August 8th, a year ago. Both of them served as missionaries in China and Germany before moving to Chicago. I spoke of them in episodes 71 and 72. The quality I appreciate about this friend's response to episode 115 I appreciate Darlene's reflective thoughtfulness. It's the important virtue I've come to appreciate more and more when I see it in my friends, reflective thoughtfulness. For example, she quotes the line from the prayer in episode 115, “Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places.” She found it, sweet, deep, and meaningful. You can tell it impacted her. How thoughtful of her to let me know, and in turn, all of you as well. She remembered the impact Suzanne's death had on Janet and me and still has. She remembered and acknowledged our loss. Remembering is such an important part of deepening relationships with people. Remember the ORA principle we keep talking about? Observe - Remember - Act And then her comment, It is only grace that carries you through and into living in the changes such loss brings to the soul. What a caring and heartfelt response that comes from thoughtful reflection upon the deep experiences others are going through. A friend's response to episode 110 relationships we didn't choose Here's a second example of reflective thoughtfulness from another listener. Two days after episode 110 went live I got a text from my friend Randy in Pittsburgh. Episode 110 is one about relationships we didn't choose, and how many of us are shaped by the relationships of people who chose us, but we didn't choose them. Like our parents, for example. The main point of that episode is Be kind to people who didn't choose to have a relationship with you, but who have one with you anyway. It will bring out the best in you. Here's what Randy wrote: “Good morning John, “I loved this week's podcast. In its own way, poking around at some deeper things I need to reflect on more. It's been a hectic week, so I'm looking forward to listening to it again. Randy” The quality I appreciate about this friend's reaction to episode 110 I appreciate Randy's reflective thoughtfulness. The episode stirred something within him “Some deeper things I need to reflect on more” I love his word choice, “poking around, deeper things I need to reflect on more, and then looking forward to listening to it again. A thoughtful person thinks like this. They reflect. They take the time to do so The thoughts of others, stimulate thoughts of his own. Not to talk about them yet, but to explore them more internally. A Friend's Facebook Post About Simone Biles and the 2021 Summer Olympics Finally, here's a third example of reflective thoughtfulness. Another of my friends is also a listener to this podcast. Her name is Kat. I was struck by several things she wrote recently, not in response to a podcast episode, but by something she posted on Facebook the last week in August during the 2021 Summer Olympics in Tokyo. Her posts were about gymnast Simone Biles pulling out of several Olympic events for mental health reasons. Here are a few excerpts from her posts” Part of the reason I'm posting this as I'm curious what people think, [especially those who have studied things like you], so thanks for chiming in. I hadn't thought about the ongoing effects from the sexual assault I'm interested not just in the individual side of this but the team side too. I don't think if Tom Brady had said he couldn't play in the Super Bowl or (the younger) Giannis the NBA championship due to mental health issues the reaction would have been as positive and understanding. There are a lot of factors to all this. I don't think anyone here is disagreeing with you or criticizing her decision. And it makes sense to me that it's more dangerous for gymnasts. The more I think about the situation she's in, the more my heart goes out to her!! Thinking through implications of an issue The point I'm making is how much of a generational shift there has been with all this. For example, I'm sure my brother, who coaches softball, has had or definitely now will have some of his players take "mental health days," even though that sport isn't life-threatening as gymnastics, except for maybe freak accidents?? That would have been inconceivable when I was playing. There's also the somewhat separate issue of how Biles said she wanted to address the struggle when she pulled out of the team event, saying she wanted to "focus on herself." I wholeheartedly agree with the importance of being mentally healthy! And doing what we can towards that end. But I think we're forgetting how much of a shift we've had over the past few years on this topic, elevating it above almost everything else? and also the way we go about it- like saying all we need is time to "focus on myself." And for the record, I love talking about and processing through stuff like this, so thanks for chiming in The quality I appreciate about this friend's reaction to Simone Biles I appreciate Kat's reflective thoughtfulness in her Facebook post At one extreme people are criticizing Biles for letting her country down by withdrawing from competition to focus on her mental health. While others applaud her for paying attention to her body, recognizing her limits, and making a hard decision that she knew would not please everyone. Kat threw out her thoughts and observation for the purpose of stimulating dialog about this complex issue, not to champion one point or the other. What other people had to say helped her to see more about the issue than she originally considered She takes a historic look at the issue, talking about a generational shift when it comes to individual responsibility and self-care. So what does all this mean for YOU and me? How can we use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in our lives? We can do ourselves a big favor by using the good we see in others as models of the good we want to develop in ourselves. For example: We can be more thoughtfully reflective like Darlene, and let people know how what they say and do impact us for the good. Like her, we can remember what people told us in the past and reference it now in the present, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. We can draw a connection between what we and others experience with the involvement of God in the affairs of mankind. Like when she talked about grace caring us through changes that bring loss to our soul. We can also be more thoughtfully reflective like Randy, and let the experiences of others speak to things going on within us. Even if it's just to “poke around more,” as Randy says, about issues that deserve more reflection. We can be more like Kat and invite people to a place of reflective thoughtfulness to dialog about important issues, as she did on Facebook with the Simone Biles story. Just as Kat did, we can go beyond surface issues that everyone talks about, and instead talk about the meaning and implications beyond the obvious. For example, in the Biles story, consider the larger issue of the interplay between perseverance in the midst of adversity, responsibility to one's group, self-care, people-pleasing, and personal safety. We can think and discuss complex issues like this as a way of growing and learning from others. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode Whatever important qualities we look for in a friend, develop and nurture those same qualities in ourself. Be for others what you want them to be for you. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please follow us from wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to spend a little more time being thoughtfully reflective, so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 031: The Rhythms of our Relationship with Time 071: How to Help a Grieving Friend 072: What I Learned from a Grieving Friend You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 120, “The Best Relationship Advice From This Summer.” Did summer go by too quickly for you? It did for me. “Summer deserves a speeding ticket,” as someone once said. Another author commented, “A fallen leaf is nothing more than a summer's wave goodbye.” Before we wave goodbye to summer, and to season 5 of this podcast, I want to share the best relationship advice I came across this past summer. Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young It comes from Sarah Young's devotional book, Jesus Calling. For each day of the year, Young shares her application of two or three Bible verses to encourage people with the hope found in scripture. There are lots of books like this. But what makes her book unique is that it's written in the first-person narrative as if Jesus himself was speaking directly to the reader. I find it quite intimate and personal. Young's entry for August 3rd contains for me, the best relationship advice of this past summer. It's just two paragraphs that I'll start reading, making a few observations as we go. August 3rd entry Picture Jesus calling to you with these words: WATCH YOUR WORDS DILIGENTLY. Words have such great power to bless or to wound. When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. My first observation is that it's interesting to think we damage ourselves when we're negative or careless with our words. In doing so, we move away from the best version of ourself. For the best version of ourself is cautious about the harm we can do to someone. There are times when it is appropriate to deal with the negative in another person, but to do it positively, and carefully. Like a parent correcting a child. Like a friend who shares something negative they observe in you, but who does it in a kind and gentle way to help you become more the person God created you to be. Sarah Young goes on to write, speaking as Jesus, The ability to verbalize is an awesome privilege, granted only to those I created in my image. You need help in wielding this mighty power responsibly. Humans are the only creatures who can bless - or wound - with our words. We're the only ones with language. It's one of the things that makes us human. And we certainly do need help in handling this power we've been give to bless or wound people. Communicate differently from the rest of the world She continues, Though the world applauds quick-witted retorts, My instructions about communication are quite different: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. “ So many comedy TV shows are filled with quick, sarcastic retorts. It's hard to follow sometimes. I picture writers for these TV shows in meetings all clamoring to get their sarcastic one-liner responses into the scripts, and so they add one after the other after the other. But that's not how we talk. It's not how we live. The reference to "be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" is one of my favorites in the Bible. I conduct workshops on this passage from James 1:19, suggesting 5 principles of being quick to listen, and another 5 for what it means to be slow to speak. We'll talk about these in future episodes. I've said this before, but what passes for communication skills in our culture today, is almost always about how and what to speak. Precious little on how to listen. The best one-word prayer: Help! Back to Jesus talking to us: Ask MY Spirit to help you whenever you speak. I have trained you to pray - “Help me, Holy Spirit” - before answering the phone, and you have seen the benefits of this discipline. This so reminds me of Anne Lamont's book about prayer, Help, Thanks, Wow. Help is the most basic of prayers. Sarah Young goes on to say, Simply apply the same discipline to communicating with people around you. If they are silent, pray before speaking to them. If they are talking, pray before responding. These are split-second prayers, but they put you in touch with My Presence. In this way, your speaking comes under the control of My Spirit. What a great way of relating to others, and to Jesus. Asking Him to direct your thoughts and words in relating to others. In meeting with people as my wife and I do, and hearing their struggles, it's often a matter of asking God for help in knowing how to respond. And it certainly is split second. Split nano-second to be sure. The author concludes with, As positive speech patterns replace your negative one, the increase in your Joy will amaze you. Supporting verses from the Bible She then lists the James 1:19 verse about being quick to listen and slow to speak, followed by Proverbs 12:18, which says, “Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.” And then Ephesians 4:29, “Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” For me, I find all of this the best relationship advice there is from this past summer. I'll read Sarah Young's two-paragraph entry from August 3rd again, without commentary from me so you can soak it all in. The Best Relationship Advice from this past summer WATCH YOUR WORDS DILIGENTLY. Words have such great power to bless or to wound. When you speak carelessly or negatively, you damage others as well as yourself. The ability to verbalize is an awesome privilege, granted only to those I created in my image. You need help in wielding this mighty power responsibly. Though the world applauds quick-witted retorts, My instructions about communication are quite different: Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Ask MY Spirit to help you whenever you speak. I have trained you to pray - “Help me, Holy Spirit” - before answering the phone, and you have seen the benefits of this discipline. Simply apply the same discipline to communicating with people around you. If they are silent, pray before speaking to them. If they are talking, pray before responding. These are split-second prayers, but they put you in touch with My Presence. In this way, your speaking comes under the control of my Spirit. As positive speech patterns replace your negative one, the increase in your Joy will amaze you. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode Let's all of us wave back to summer by applying Sarah Young's best relationship advice. Namely, pray, “Help me, Holy Spirit” before I talk to the silent people in my life, as well as before I respond to those who so readily talk. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please follow us wherever you get your podcasts, if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act by asking for God's help through his spirit before you talk to people. This will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week, and the start of season six of You Were Made for This. Until then, goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to: 065 End with this Important Question 088 Thank You for Asking 112 Two Ways to Listen Well in 2021 You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone. I'm so glad you've joined us today for the start of Season Six. We begin with Episode no. 121, “Experience the Relational Energy of Fall.” I don't know about you, but I find renewed motivation right after Labor Day in the US when school buses take to the road again. Cooler days with earlier sunsets reinvigorates my energy level to notice all the goodness life has to offer, especially when it comes to relationships. I don't fully understand why this happens in the fall. But it just does. It can do the same for you, too. To show how, I share three examples of renewed relational energy in today's program. Asking others to care I'll start with a post on CaringBridge from my friend David. He is on a waitlist for a liver transplant. David writes: Today I received a call from someone who had a liver transplant 10 years ago at age 62. It was very encouraging to talk to someone who's been through the process. I was able to talk about my fears and ask about the process. He got The Call 3 times! He said the first two were like trial runs. The third call was the charm. The trial runs made it easier for the real deal. He gave me details of the waiting time, recovery time, & life after transplant. The best piece of information he had was to find something that I'm passionate about doing so that I always have a reason to get up in the morning. There is a mentor program with meetings that usually go on in the transplant department at the hospital, but it's all been put on hold since the pandemic. My doctors asked him to call me. I have a little bit of renewed outlook toward getting a liver. It was very encouraging. Feel the relational energy I found David's post energizing on several levels, the first is from the liver transplant survivor, who at age 72 extended himself to a complete stranger to call David and encourage him with what he experienced ten years ago going down the same path Dave is on now. How encouraging to know there are people out there like this man willing to give people hope when hope is in short supply. It's energizing to me to think that sharing how I navigated through some of the difficulties in my life is something God can use to give people hope. Even when I'm older, like this 72-year-old liver transplant survivor. He can do the same for you, too. The second part of David's post I found energizing is his little sentence, “My doctors asked him to call me.” Him being the liver recipient from 10 years ago. We've talked before about the important role remembering plays in relationships, and here are doctors who remembered a patient from a decade ago, and how that patient might be an encouragement to my friend David. Then they acted and asked this guy for help in caring for one of their current patients. They didn't ask for medical help, they asked for emotional help. What a caring thing for these doctors to do. It energizes me to think that one way I can care for people is to ask others to connect with those I care about, to share their expertise and experience in ways that give people hope. I don't have to do it all myself. I can ask others for help, just like these doctors did. And just like you can, too. Relational energy during a time of loss A second example of the relational energy that fall brings comes from my friend Randy in Pittsburgh. You've heard me mention him before. He recently sent me the following text: John, Letting you and Janet know that we had Juno [their dog] put to sleep today. Don't know if you saw the post on FB. The vet at the ER today diagnosed him as likely having a cancerous tumor on his spine which explains his struggles walking and pain in general over the last 6 weeks. While we weren't ready or considered this as an option until today, it was the best decision. Molly was able to join us virtually as I held Juno when the vet administered the drug. One of the most caring parts of it all is that the Vet was crying after Juno was gone. She cared for us all. Randy Janet and I are were well-acquainted with Juno, and we certainly mourn with Randy and his family over this loss. We talked recently about the idea of a podcast episode about our relationship with our pets. More to come on that down the road. Recognizing someone else's pain For today, though, I was energized in thinking about the vet who administered the drug that ended Juno's life. She cried. It energized me to know of someone who so recognized the pain of someone else, and who entered into that pain so deeply that it caused tears to flow. The vet knew in her mind this was the best option for the family pet, but her heart told her there was going to be emotional pain in doing the right thing. Isn't that so true of other areas of life? For you and me both. And I loved how Randy put it, that the vet “cared for us all.” She cared for the physical needs of Juno, their dog, and she cared emotionally for Randy and his family with her tears. You don't learn to do that in veterinary school. There's something quite powerful in knowing that someone else on the planet knows in their heart when our heart is breaking. From Randy's story, I realize I can be like the veterinarian he described. I can care for people when I imagine in my heart what they must be dealing with in theirs. And then feel what they are feeling. Knowing at the same time I'm not responsible for making their pain or problems go away. This energizes me, and I hope it does the same for you. A chance encounter at Office Depot My last story of renewed relational energy happened when I stopped in at our local office supply store, Office Depot. In checking out with my purchase the cashier commented, “I see your last name is Certalic. By any chance are you related to Jennifer Certalic?” “Yes, I said. She's my daughter.” Her eyes lit up and said, “We went to high school together! Please say ‘hi' to Jennifer from me. What is she doing now?“ I filled her in on where life has taken our daughter the past 3 decades, and how she is no longer a Certalic, having gotten married and given birth to our grandson, Nathan. “And how are you doing these days?,” I asked after paying for my purchase. “Oh, I'm doing Okay,” She said rather haltingly. Then placing her hand just below her throat while collecting her thoughts, she clarified her response with a downcast look and, “Well, actually, not so well.” “Really?,” I responded. With her eyes tearing up Stacey (not her real name) disclosed, “My husband told me he wants a separation, and I know it's heading to divorce, and it's tearing me apart inside.” Each tear that fell down her face served to punctuate each pain-filled sentence. “I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't see the kids. And I don't know how I'm going to pay the rent on my own,” she said. How to respond? Whew. I felt completely helpless. I wanted to do something. Fortunately, the store wasn't too busy, but I'm thinking what if her manager walks by and sees what's going on. I needed an emotional bandage to give her, but I didn't have one. It was really awkward. This would have been a great time for me to say that great Anne Lamont prayer, the real short one, “Help!” Help me God to help her.” But I didn't think to do this. Instead, my relational muscle memory kicked in, whispering, “Hey pal, this isn't about you and your discomfort over her sadness and fear. It's about her. Imagine how awkward SHE feels. Her pain isn't yours to heal or fix.” And with that I said, “Oh Stacey, I'm so sorry.” “Please pray for me, “ she whispered. “Certainly, I will pray for you. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this.” “Thank you. Please pray for me.” I said I would. It seemed we both repeated ourselves several times. Feeling helpless I felt so helpless. I wanted to say more. Do more. Make the pain go away. It seemed so insensitive to just say goodbye so the next customer could check out. I have prayed for her numerous times since, and wonder how she's doing. I know that when I've shared the pain I'm experiencing it really helps to simply know someone else knows what's going on within me. Like Randy's vet who put his dog down. She knew. Maybe that's enough, to let someone know with your words and body language that you know they are hurting and wishing you could do something to help, knowing you can't. Except to pray for them, asking God to comfort them, and show his goodness in the midst of their problem. Maybe that's enough. To my way of thinking the best we can do in moments like this is to remember who WE are, and then BE who we are. Not Do, but BE. Remember we are all created in the image of God and on our good days, we share many of his characteristics. So display those to people. Extend compassion, because that is what God does. Be kind, because God is kind. Think about others and what they must be going through because that is what God does. This is the relational energy I found from this chance meeting at Office Depot. It's not that hard to be what God created us to be when we ask for his help to be like Him for people. He does the work; it's all about Him, not about us. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode You can experience renewed relational energy this fall when you notice people caring well for each other. It's a reminder that as an image-bearer of God, you were made to do the same thing yourself. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Related episodes you may want to listen to If you're interested in hearing another example of relational energy that comes from people caring deeply for each other, you would do well to listen to episodes 8 and 9. It's an interview I did with a widowed man whose daughter and second wife did something unusual to care for him in a most profound way. They're two of my all-time favorite episodes. I'll have links to them in the show notes. 008: How a Wife and Her Daughter Brought Healing 009: Shadows Connect Us with Each Other 120: The Best Relationship Advice From This Summer Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to be relationally energized this fall. So that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone! I'm so glad you've joined us today for episode 122, “The Questions We Ask …. and Fail to Ask.” We've talked about asking questions before in this podcast and the role they play in deepening our relationships. Episodes 96 and 97, for example, come to mind. I'll have links to them at the end of the show notes. I was recently reminded of the power of questions at a family camp that Janet and I and part of our family attended this past summer. Let me tell you what happened because you may be able to use what I picked up to deepen your relationships. Feedback from listeners We've been going to Forest Springs, located in the north woods of the State of Wisconsin in the US for close to 20 years. It's a Christian youth and family camp in a pretty rural area, near several small classic American small towns. We love going there to get away from the pace of city life. Several of the people on the camp staff listen to this podcast. One walked past us on Wednesday at lunch and told me she liked listening to that morning's episode, making it clear “I was doing something else” while listening. I think she said she was washing dishes. It must have been one of those episodes where I mentioned podcasts are great to listen to when you're doing some mindless work. “Good job,” I think I remarked. Several others on staff also told me they like listening to the podcast. But of course, what would you expect? No one there is going to tell me the podcast stinks. They're kind people at Forest Springs. If we had been in New Jersey, though, I may have gotten a different response. Early morning conversation with a stranger When I'm at this camp, Forest Springs, I like getting up early before most other people and sitting in the lodge of the camp looking out the window at the perfectly still lake on the property. When the windows are open you can hear loons off in the distance. The whole scene just calms my soul and brings me peace. Being near a body of water tends to do that for me. It was near the end of the week and I was walking past the large windows looking out onto the lake I passed a man sitting in front of the window. He sat in the same spot every morning. This particular morning he stopped me as I walked past him and started to engage me in a conversation. So I sat down and we talked. I'll call him Keith, not his real name, He was quite an interesting man. One thing led to another and Keith started talking about his son who is in his late 30s. Keith told me how his son grew up in the family as a very committed Christian. He attended church every week, was a leader in the youth group at church, and studied the Bible on his own diligently. “He knows more about the Bible than I do,” said Keith with his bible open in front of him next to a notebook he was filling up. “But he's now walked away from his faith and the church. He doesn't want anything to do with God at all. Why do you think people do that, walk away from their faith like that? Totally disregard the religious faith they were raised in. “ A question my friend didn't want to ask Keith's question was an interesting one. It's a question about his shared past with his son. Something happened before with his son to cause the change. Just like his dad, I wonder what it was. But instead of answering Keith's question, I asked him, “Have you ever asked your son, why?” “No,” I haven't, he responded. "Why not?” I asked. “I guess I'm afraid of what he would say. And I think I feel a little shame over how this.” Hmmm. Wow. Shame. Keith felt shame. A painful reaction, certainly. I could understand disappointment if that were my son, but shame? Shame is a really strong word. It's often about disconnection in a relationship I suspect Keith viewed his son's decision as a reflection on him, and that felt shameful and he didn't want to explore it further with his son. It's like feeling safer staying in the shallow end of a swimming pool, all the while the more life-giving fun is taking place in the deep end of the pool. But it was too risky for Keith to move into the deeper water. In thinking about our conversation later it struck me that Keith had no problem at all asking me questions. Thoughtful, insightful questions. But he froze when it came to asking his own son this question about why he departed from his faith. There was more at risk with his son. It could be more painful knowing what was going on in the heart of his son than anything I, as a complete stranger, could say. It's one reason we don't ask more meaningful questions of each other. It keeps us in the shallow end of the pool where it's safe. Two energizing questions During the course of the rest of our week at Camp, I ran into another one of the staff members who, together with her husband, have become dear family friends to Janet and me. We hadn't seen each other in a year, and so we spent a little time catching up with each other's lives. At the end of the conversation our friend, I'll call her “Karen” because that's her real name, said to me, “I have two questions for you. What are you looking forward to, and what are you dreading coming up?” I had to stop and think. These were great questions. These were different questions from the one I talked with Keith about regarding his son. That was a question about the past. Karen's questions were about the future. They waded me into the deeper end of our relational swimming pool. They made me think. These were questions that drew me to both ends of the emotional spectrum: joy and dread. Asking the questioner a question After answering her questions, I turned the tables and said, “What about you? What is something you're looking forward to, and what is something you're dreading?” She looked so startled and said, “I've been asking other people that question, but no one has ever asked me the same thing.” Hmmm. That's how it goes with people who are good at asking questions. They are rarely asked them in return. Unlike my conversation with Keith, this one ended with both of us smiling. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Here are a few ideas: Are there questions you're afraid to ask people close to you? If so, what are you afraid of? Might God be asking you to ask that question anyway, in spite of your fear? Or could it be that he wants you to wait, or be silent about the matter? Ask someone what our friend Karen asked me, What are you looking forward to? What are you dreading? Or ask a different question, but make it something about the future. A lot of the questions we ask each other are about the past or present. So this time, ask one about the future. And when you do, now listen carefully, as this is important, be sure to ask a follow-up question to whatever the other person says. Finally, the next time someone asks you a really good question, ask the same one of them. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode The questions we ask others can keep us in the shallow end of our relational swimming pool, or they can move us to the deep end where the diving board and more joy are found. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. And to consider asking questions that will move your relationships out of the shallow end of the pool into deeper waters. All so you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 097 Good Things Happen If We Ask 096 Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone and welcome to episode 123, “Ask Thoughtful Questions and See What Happens” In last week's episode, no. 122, “The Questions We Ask … and Fail to Ask,” I suggested that to deepen our relationships with people try asking the two questions asked of me recently. Namely, what are you looking forward to? And, what are you dreading? Since I suggested that you give this a try, I thought I should do the same thing. I was curious to see how this would work, to ask thoughtful questions like these. Plus I wanted to brush up on my listening skills. Like any skill, good listening takes practice and I need all the practice I can get. So in today's episode, you'll hear phone calls I made to several people, asking them the two questions I mentioned. At the end of each call, I comment on how the call went and what I learned from it. Keep listening to see how this could work for you in moving you from the shallow end of your relational swimming pool to the deep end where all the good stuff happens. The first phone call My first call is to Maureen, who was my guest on episode 66 “A Solution Better Than Suicide,” and then episode 67, “Self-monitoring How We Listen.” Those two episodes were some of my favorites as Maureen talked quite openly about her struggle with depression to the point she seriously considered taking her own life several years ago. She's in a much better place now. These episodes are two of my favorites because they speak to the power of caring relationships to help us through dark days. They're very encouraging. You'll find links to them at the bottom of the show notes. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I called Maureen. By the way, I did not give her or any of the other guests I called a “heads up” that I would be contacting them. My calls came completely out of the blue for all of them. So her goes with my call to Maureen: [I'm sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode] What I learned from the call I start with, “Do you have a minute to talk?” Good to ask. But when I say “no” people will often talk anyway I love the excitement in Maureen's voice, more surprise than anything. Happy for the kids to be now in school. “It's been a long summer.” “You sound elated,” act like a mirror listening principle, just reflect back what you observe.” Her extroversion drew me out of my introversion. The laughing, the louder voice. I asked my first thoughtful question, What are you looking forward to? Looking forward to routine, which leads to “space for better self-care.” “Wow, those are deep questions?” Hmm. Reminds me of the deep end of the relational swimming pool. Dreading? “Oooh. Such a strong word. We've already had Covid.” Humor. Like everyone else, as you'll see. She had to think longer about this thoughtful question I stumbled trying to tone this question down. I couldn't think of a synonym for “dreading.” Apprehensive, anxious about, or simply, not looking forward to would have worked better. She dreaded all the driving and time in the car with the kids taking them to activities in the fall “Yeah, I can understand that” to what she was dreading. Good response, I think. Reminds me of the book I reviewed in Episode 105, I Hear You, where the author's main point of the book is that affirming people and identifying with their feelings and experiences goes a long way to deepening relationships. What I wish I would have done differently I missed an opportunity to ask a follow-up thoughtful question. From what you heard, what follow-up question would you have asked? When Maureen said she looked forward to the routine of fall because “It will give me space for better self-care” I could have asked this: “What would better self-care look like for you this fall?” I didn't have the time to talk because of the others I needed to contact. The temptation I avoided When Maureen talked about dreading all the driving of the kids, I thought of ways to fix her problem. I could have asked, “Are there podcasts you could be listening to during your time in the car, such as You Were Made… or,  you get the idea. Could your husband Mike do some of the driving? Would your parents or in-laws be willing to help Thankfully, I didn't ask those questions because they were born out of my knee-jerk reaction to want to fix things. I'm a guy. And it's a curse we carry. Besides, I'm positive Maureen thought of the same solutions herself, and several others I'm sure. So I was glad I put into practice that quote from W.C. Fields a few episodes back, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” The second call to a former podcast guest The second phone call I made was to Gail Rohde, someone I interviewed in episodes 29 and 30, two years ago in 2019. These were also two of my favorite shows. They are the stories of Gail's search for her birth-mother, and eventually finding her, and all the relational issues related to an adult adoptee wanting to know more of where they came from. Her story so resonated with me because I also was born to an unwed mother and searched for my birth father, as Gail did for her birth mother. Again, there will be links to these episodes at the end of the show notes. Well, my call to Gail started off with a technical glitch that turned out to be a blessing. Listen in [I'm sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode] Wrong numbers aren't always wrong When my call to Gail went to her husband Mike by mistake I learned the surprising news of Gail tracking down her birth-father. The last time I talked to her she had given up hope in ever finding him. I was excited to learn this because I remember it being important to Gail At the end of my call with Mike, I asked him about his new job. I turned off the recording at this point and Mike and I got caught up on each other's life. It was an extra blessing to connect with him. Another technical glitch Mike gave me Gail's new cell phone number which I called and then asked her the same two thoughtful questions I asked Maureen However, I discovered I forgot to press the “record” button, so I had to call her back. Here is what she had to say: [I'm sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode] What I learned from my call to Gail It's great having people in your life you can admit your mistakes to, knowing that it's not going to change how they feel about you There are times when our greatest blessings are also our greatest challenges, as Gail mentioned in finding her birth father Because I had limited time I could talk with Gail, I didn't ask any follow-up questions. And I have a lot of them. If you are rushed for time, it's better NOT to engage with additional questions, because if you do you can easily come across as someone who doesn't care and who just wants to cross something off their to-do list. I learned it's better to hold off further engagement until you do have time, as I did when I told Gail I'd like to do another episode. Save your questions for another time. Timing is everything. My interaction with Gail demonstrates the ORA principle of deepening relationships. Observe - Remember - Act. It started with Observing, in its listening form, to what her husband Mike said about Gail finding her birth-father. There is a heavy dose of Remembering that's apparent here. Remembering what Gail shared several years ago in those episodes about searching for her birth mother. And then Acting. Talking to Gail about doing another episode about the process of searching for her birth father. The third call - to Carol Steward, my executive director boss Like Gail, Carol was also the subject of two episodes of You Were Made for This, number 100, our first triple-digit episode, “Start Conversations With Remembering.” Followed by episode 101, “Life-Giving Relationships” These episodes answer the question listeners had been asking me, “Who is this Carol we hear at the very beginning of each episode?” I explain the long history Janet and I have with Carol and her husband Terry. It was a heavy dose of the importance of remembering in relationships. And then in episode 101 I share the story of how Carol introduces Janet and me to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and how that has changed our entire life. The day I called Carol for this episode she was working out of her home. Have a listen to what she has to say: [I'm sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode] What I learned from my call to Carol Sometimes thoughtful questions require time to think about before answering, as Carol answered about looking forward to spending school days with her grandkids. That's because one of her daughters is a teacher and she provides childcare for them, as well as watching older grandkids after school while her other daughter is at work That what are you not looking forward to questioning can reveal a bit about a person's state of stress and contentment with life at the moment. It took Carol longer to answer this second question than it did the first, more positive question. This tells me something I've known for years, that Carol has a very positive outlook on life. With some other people, they'll have a much easier time talking about what they're dreading than what they're looking forward to. Not so with Carol. Similar to Gail's answers, the thing Carol was looking forward to also had a negative element to it. One follow-up question I wish I would have asked is “Why do you look forward to babysitting your grandkids? What do you like about it?” That would have been a thoughtful question worth sking. After I turned off the record button Carol and I continued to talk. She and her husband Terry, and Janet and I, have been friends for decades. My fourth and final call - to another previous podcast guest Hannah Barbeau and her sister Abbey were featured in a two-part interview in episodes 17 and 18. They are sisters living in Chicago. Hannah is a millennial and Abbey is from Gen Z. I interviewed them to talk about their relationship with each other, both growing up as kids and now as young adults. From there, we talked about what it was like for them to relate to older generations, roommates, their relationship with the church, and what young women their age need from their parents now. That was all in episodes 17 and 18. Then in episode 19, I share 5 ways I was encouraged by my conversation with Hannah & Abby who are so different from me: different generation (I'm a boomer), a different stage in life, different gender, different marital status. I had a great time listening and learning from them. But the other day, I just spoke to Hannah on the phone to ask her the same two questions I asked the other podcast guests I mentioned. We had played phone tag for a while, but we eventually connected with each other. So let's see now how a millennial answers the two thoughtful questions I've been asking. [I'm sorry there is no transcript of the phone call. Please listen to the audio of this episode] What I learned from my call to Hannah Some people are very reflective and deliberate in how they answer questions. Like Hannah, they may need more time than others to respond. So I need to give people the silence-filled space they need. I happened to catch Hannah at the start of a whole new exciting chapter in her life. 3 new things coming up for her. What a privilege to hear about it! I was glad I asked the follow-up questions about the classes she was taking and her new job. It gave me a better picture of what her life is going to be like for the next few months. Somehow the end of the conversation got cut off, but we were almost at the end anyway. The next day I got an email from Hannah about something else. She closed with referencing the conversation we had the day before with this: “Also, thanks so much for taking the time to catch up yesterday! It was just nice. Made me wonder why I don't call others more often for a short, simple conversation! Take care!” What a sweet and encouraging thing for her to tell me So what does all this mean for YOU You can also ask thoughtful questions of people, like the two I asked,  and see the good that can happen: what are you looking forward to? And, what are you dreading (or some version of it.) Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode When you ask thoughtful questions of the important people in your life you'll be surprised at the good that can come from it. The joy they experience can overflow into your life, and you can share in it. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. Especially to ask thoughtful questions of the important people in your life. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to: O17:  Two Sisters - Part 1 018:  Two Sisters - Part 2 029: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 1 030: An Adoption Relationship Story - Part 2 066: A Solution Better Than Suicide 067: Self-monitoring How We Listen 100: Start Conversations with Remembering 101: Life-Giving Relationships 105: How to Listen Better You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone! I'm so glad you've joined us today for episode 124, “Resting In Our Identity Frees Us to Love Well” Background to today's program Last week's episode, no. 123, was all about asking two questions to deepen our relationships, namely, what are you looking forward to? and what are you dreading, or not looking forward to? Someone had recently asked me these two questions and I wanted to try asking them myself to see where they could lead. To test this out I called four previous guests I had interviewed on our podcast - totally out of the blue. One of them was Gail Rohde from episodes 29 and 30. I'll have links to these at the bottom of the show notes. In those episodes, Gail shared how she was told at a young age she was adopted, and how she had no desire to look for her birth parents until she started having children of her own. This was her identity. She talks about the search for her birth parents and how it affected her to locate her birth mother and actually speak to her and make plans to meet in person. They are favorite episodes of mine. 92 episodes later Fast forward 92 programs later to when I called Gail last week to ask her those two questions I mentioned earlier. And to find, much to my surprise, that Gail, who I remember having given up hope of ever finding her birth father, actually found him! She said meeting him was the thing she was most looking forward to, and at the same time also something she was dreading. I was so happy for her when she told me this, at the same time feeling for her angst in what this will mean for her relationship with her birth mother. Gail readily agreed to a follow-up interview. So listen in now, where at this point in our telephone conversation Gail shares how she located her birth father… [I'm sorry, but there is no transcript of our phone call] Takeaways from today's interview with Gail Rohde I am struck by how loving Gail is being with her birth mother through the process of searching for her birth father to discover more of her identity. How sensitive she is to her mother's anxieties and fears of abandonment. The sacrifice Gail is making with not being able to share the joy with her mom, or on social media where her mother might see it. Secondly, I'm captivated by Gail's father who raised her, and how he wanted to help her find her birth parents. Gail talks more about him in episode 29. His loving character certainly rubbed off on Gail. What a great guy. So what does all this mean for YOU? Most of us are not adopted by earthly parents, but we do have the choice of becoming adopted children of God. God certainly wants to be our heavenly father, but only if we choose him. He never forces himself on anyone. In the Gospel of John, chapter 1 verse 12 we read, But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. When we make this choice it changes our identity. It makes us a new person, and it enables us to love others well, as it does with Gail in loving her mother. And like it did with Gail's father who raised her. The choice is yours. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode Knowing where we have come from helps us to rest in our identity. It frees us to be the person God made us to be, so we can love others well. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect on where you have come from and your identity. For in doing so, it will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 029: An Adoption Relationship Story-Part 1 030: An Adoption Relationship Story-Part 2 You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone! I'm so glad you've joined us today for episode 125, “How to Relate When They Come Home From College.”  It's about how when our kids return home from college for the weekend to apply the ORA principle. Observe. Remember. Act. A podcast listener recently contacted me for some relationship advice. She asked, “Our son, who just started his freshman year of college, is coming home for the weekend, and I wonder if you have any suggestions for how my husband and I should relate to him?” I know some of the rest of you are facing this same issue now, or have already dealt with it, or may soon face it in the next 2 to 18 years. It's a relationship issue where we can apply the ORA principle. Observe - Remember - Act. Observe Let's start with Observe. To our listener, I would ask, what have you observed about your son that makes him enjoy life? What things bring him joy when he's with your family? What are the things you think he looks forward to? Are there  things he dreads? You know, this is the question we've been asking in the past several episodes. Most importantly, Observe what's going on within YOU. Do you see any tendency you may have to use your son to meet your emotional needs? If you're still grieving his leaving home, don't do it in front of him. Remember I would also figuratively scratch your head to try and remember what it was like when YOU came home from college for the first time. What did YOU look forward to in returning home? What did YOU dread? I know you're a different person than your son, but brought YOU joy in coming home? Remember, going away to college is a more significant change for your son than it is for you Remember your son is in that transition phase between teenager and young adult. Focus on the latter, not the former Remember that even though your son may have had a great deal of independence before he left home for college, the independence he has now is different. It's more pronounced. He's become used to making his own decisions without input from you Remember that every parent's job is to raise their child to be an independent, well-functioning adult and member of society. So embrace his newfound independence with him. Act Based on what you have observed about your son. And what you remember what it was like for you when you came home from college, take some kind of action Make coming home as pleasant an experience as possible. Create positive memories for your son. Spend less time telling him what to do and more time listening. The most important action you can take is to ask your son what he would like to do when he comes home for the weekend. Go to an event? Meet with friends. Sleep and veg out? Work on his college homework? Set aside your own needs and plan for a few days Let your son fill his schedule for the weekend. Ask if he'd like to bring a friend home with him Celebrate this new chapter of his life. Ask about his classes, which one he likes and those he isn't too fond of. Act by holding back advice unless you're asked for it Avoid saying, “If I were you, I would….” Instead, ask, “How are you going to deal with that? What are you going to do?” Make it a joy-filled weekend for your son. Ask the Holy Spirit ways you can best interact with your son. He'll show you Speak your son's love language Please don't give him chores to do. Instead, ask him as a favor as you would a friend. “Would you mind doing me a favor and (insert verb phrase)” Say “yes,” more than you say “no.” What if you don't have kids in college? So what about the rest of us who don't have children in college. Yet. Some day you might, and it's not too early to prepare for that possibility. If I had young kids at home, even toddlers, I would develop my observation skills about my kids. Pay attention to their love language, discover what makes them tick. Help them to move from one stage of childhood to the next level. The skills you develop doing this will come in handy when they leave and then return home from college. Or from their factory job from another part of the country. Or from the military. If you don't have any children, or If you're past this stage of life and your kids have all left home, think about your friends in the throes of launching their children into the world. Reach out to them. Ask how they're dealing with this new chapter in their life. And please listen to episode 69, “When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time,” especially if you have friends with children heading to kindergarten or off to college. The main point from today's episode Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode: Apply the ORA principle in your relationships with your kids returning home from college. Observe. Observe what's going on inside of you, and the emotions you feel when your child comes home for the weekend. Remember. Remember what it was like for you when you were away from home for a while, and then returned. Remind yourself to treat him like an adult. Act. Ask him what he wants to do or not do. Let him call the shots, not you. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. I'd love to hear any other relationship questions you may have. Just send them my way, and we'll tackle them together. Related episodes you may want to listen to 069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time Four episodes that address in more detail the ORA principle: 88: Get Them to Say "Thank You for Asking" 89: How to Be a Better Observer of People 93: Remembering Deepens Our Relationships 96: Meaningful Questions Create Meaningful Relationships Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. I hope today's show stimulated your thinking about how you can apply the ORA principle with your young adult children or any relationship for that matter. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationship with them.Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

I didn't see this coming, but episode 121 that aired five weeks ago, “The Relational Energy of Fall,” had the most listener response of any podcast episode this year, and I think for any of the past episodes since the podcast began in late November of 2018. Keep listening to hear what listeners responded to because I think you'll be encouraged as you hear how sometimes God uses strangers to care for us. The excerpt from episode 121 that started it all I'll have a link to the entire episode 121 in the show notes, but for now, here's a brief excerpt from “Experience the Relational Energy of Fall.” [ I'm sorry, there is no transcript for this part of the podcast. Please listen to the podcast.] Listener feedback As you heard in the clip that just played, I felt helpless when I talked to Stacey. I wanted to do something besides listen. Yet, there was nothing I could do to make things better. But then, weeks later, when the episode aired, I started getting responses from several listeners, which gave me an idea. Before I tell you the idea, here's the feedback I received that prompted me to do something “John, I  enjoyed today's podcast. I will be praying for "Stacy" I was touched by her story.”  - Patty “Good morning John. I appreciated this week's You Were Made for This podcast. . . And for your daughter's high school friend, how difficult of a time she is going through. I'm sure you mentioning that story rallied many to be praying for her. It did me.” - Randy Another local podcast listener I ran into asked about Stacey, “How sad," he said about her situation. And finally, there was this response from a listener “Having been walking around the past few weeks, sometimes on the verge of tears, I have felt very alone in my sadness. “But the few times when a brave person has been bold enough to ask me how I am doing, and then taken the time to truly listen, has been a healing balm. And a rare gift. ”There are no words I need or even want to hear. I just sometimes need a safe place to let a few tears seep out every now and then to cleanse my emotional paLette. “Thanks for the reminder that it is OK to feel awkward if it allows another human being the chance to be real.” ~ Imelda NOTE: Imelda prayed for her, too! I was surprised and encouraged by people's reaction, at the compassion, and how they volunteered to pray for Stacey. Nobody asked them to do this! Their empathy for her and her difficult situation was palpable. They put themselves emotionally into her shoes. An abusive spouse. The prospect of not seeing her children. How will I pay the bills? All three of these examples show me that somes God uses strangers to bless us and care for us. What to do with this listener feedback After hearing these responses to Stacey's story, the idea that came to me was to go back to the office supply store where she worked to let her know people were praying for her. I thought that would encourage her, and hopefully lighten her load a bit. It would be putting 2 Corinthians 13:11 into practice, where we are told, “encourage each other.” So I stopped into the office supply store one day, but she wasn't there. Before going the next time, I wrote a note and put it in an envelope with her name on it, thinking if she wasn't in again, I'd ask one of her co-workers to give it to her when she came into work. In the note, I said that I had a podcast and that I was so touched by the conversation we had several weeks ago that I used it as the subject of a podcast episode, changing her name, of course, to protect her privacy. I told her about the podcast and how she could listen to it, and then I concluded with the following: Much to my surprise, 4 different listeners have taken the time to tell me that they are praying for you. I have been doing the same most days since we last met. I hope this encourages you. Stacey responds Sure enough, she was gone again the next time I stopped into the store. So I dropped off the note with a co-worker before I checked out with my office supplies. The same day I dropped the note off for Stacey, she sent me an email later that night. It read: “Hi John, When I got to work tonight, a co-worker told me, "A man came in with an envelope for you.  He said you went to school with his daughter, and asked me to hand-deliver it to you.  I put it in the office.  I'm  not sure what it is." "I was intrigued. What the heck?  Who is this man?  Who is the person I went to school with?  So I went to the office and found the envelope with my name on it, and your return address label.  I opened it up, and couldn't make it to the 2nd paragraph without crying.  I was a mess.  Finally, though I got through the whole thing and I was bawling!  Then I showed it to my co-worker (who is not a Christian, by the way), and she thought it was really nice.  She said, ‘You never know when people are thinking about you and that they care.' "Now that I'm living with my parents again, I showed them the letter as soon as I got home.  Again, I couldn't make it through the letter without crying.  I was anxious to listen to the podcast!  I just finished listening and I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the prayer that's going into my marriage . . . Most people would say I should've left him a long time ago.  I had one friend end our friendship because she couldn't take listening to all the stories of abuse and how I still kept going back to him.  Hearing your podcast was inspirational, so for that, I thank you. "Thanks again for your letter, and for using me in your podcast.  Just knowing strangers are praying for me is humbling.” So what does all this mean for the rest of us? Knowing that sometimes God uses strangers to care for people, we can do what Imelda talked about, namely Be a brave person, bold enough to ask someone how they are doing, and then take the time to truly listen. Don't worry about the words to say. Be a safe place for someone to cleanse their emotional palette, as she puts it. And then feel awkward doing this. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode There are times when God uses strangers to care for us, to let us know we are not alone during our darkest of days. Conversely, there is real joy in being one of those strangers God uses to bless someone with our prayers. It brings out the best in us. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please forward it to someone else. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. Maybe to pray for a stranger going through a tough time. When you do so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Even a relationship with a stranger. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 121: Experience the Relational Energy of Fall You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Hello everyone! I'm so glad you've joined us today for episode 127, “Don't Let Fear Drive Us Apart.” Center Stage in Paris A missionary friend serving in Paris wrote the following in a recent newsletter I received. It's about the proof of vaccination that's now being required there. “...uncertainty continues to be the order of the day. The Passe Sanitaire, literally, “Sanitary Pass” continues to fuel strong debate and disagreement as the demonstrations across the country grow each Saturday. The scientific and medical communities are divided too, and more and more people in 'high places' are speaking out against the pass. I haven't been to a single dinner, picnic, or tea with friends where it hasn't taken center stage.  The angst is real!  Pray for us…” And then in a recent Skype call with a missionary in Germany, they told me “the vaccination issue is all you hear in the media in Germany, almost nothing else. There's a strong appeal from the government to solidarity. That we're all in this together as good citizens and there's something wrong with you if you don't want to get the vaccine. The same thing is happening in Austria.” Both of these missionaries see fear driving us apart What the US government is doing Here in the US all across the country, the government has been offering lots of incentives. Here are a few I found from this past summer: Ohio Anyone ages 12 to 25 was eligible to win five $100,000 scholarships and 50 $10,000 scholarships. Hawaii 21 different prizes including: Airline miles and free tickets from 5 different airlines, including 50 free airline tickets from Southwest Airlines. Hotel and resort gift packages. Pizza for a Year courtesy of Papa John's $1,000 gift card courtesy of NAPA Auto Parts Massachusetts Fully vaccinated residents,18 or older, had a chance to win one of the five $1 million prizes, while those between the ages of 12 and 17 were eligible to win one of five $300,000 scholarship grants. New Mexico Five weekly drawings will award four $250,000 cash prizes each week. A grand prize of $5 million was awarded at the conclusion of the sweepstakes, in early August, to one winner drawn from the statewide pool of vaccinated New Mexicans. Memphis, Tennessee There was a sweepstake for a free car to any resident who was vaccinated. Alabama The Talladega Superspeedway is offered people aged 16 and older who choose to be tested and/or vaccinated the thrill of driving their car or truck on the 2.66-mile track. Drivers and their riders will take two laps behind a pace car at highway speed, including the 33-degree-high banks. Deleware Prison officials offered inmates five days of good time credits, a free video visit, a snack bag or a special meal, and an opportunity to be scheduled first for in-person visitations when they resume. Wisconsin $100 gift card, lots of states are doing this A free creme puff at the Wisconsin State Fair in August Indiana A box of Girl Scout cookies. Really? That's an incentive? Another idea to change people's behavior Another suggestion to encourage people to get vaccinated appeared in a letter to the editor of the Wall Street Journal. It's called the H.E.A.R. technique H. Hear. Ask open-ended questions E. Express gratitude. Thank you for sharing. A. Ask about the pros and cons of getting the vaccine R. Respond. Summarize what you've heard Pretty lame. I don't think it's going to prevent fear driving us apart. Questions we're not asking How do we improve our immune system? How did people handle the Spanish flu of 1918?  What did they do to get out of it? So what does this divisive issue mean for us? How are we to view this issue in light of our relationships. How can we get the vaccine issue off center stage as my French missionary friend describes, and throw it in the dumpster out in the alley behind the theater? I have a few ideas. It starts with the observation that we are all a little afraid. The vaccinated The vaccinated are afraid the unvaccinated are going to infect us all, and then we in turn will infect others, including our loved ones. They may even end up putting us in the hospital. Or in the grave. They are afraid the unvaccinated will surely prolong this pandemic, and it will then take that much longer for life to return to normal. The vaccinated are afraid our country is turning into a nation of ignorant self-centered people who only care about themselves and not the common good. The unvacinated The unvaccinated, however, are afraid liberties are being taken away, where the government is taking more and more control of the daily lives of its citizens. They're afraid the government doesn't know what it's doing because the “science” they point to changes on a weekly basis. Remember “Two Weeks to Flatten the Curve?” They ask. Some of the unvaccinated are afraid because this issue reminds them too much of the medical science that endorsed lobotomies as approved medical treatment in the middle of the last century. They're afraid something's amiss when highly esteemed medical professionals are silenced when they raise concerns about side effects of the vaccine, like strokes, blood clots, and enlarged hearts. They're afraid because they fear the shaming some of them are experiencing for their stance will only get worse. I would say this to both groups: Acknowledge that we're all a bit fearful now. Let's help each other in our fear. Let's be afraid together, not emotionally apart from one another. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode Don't let fear drive us apart because of our differing views of the vaccine. Extend grace to others on the opposite side of the issue as we are. The other side isn't stupid. Most of us are doing the best we can with the information we have. Fear Covid, but not each other. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. A related episode you may want to listen to 074: Relationships During Elections Closing In closing, if you found this podcast helpful, please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts if you haven't already done so. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, so that you don't let fear drive us apart. All so that you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Do you need more joy in your life? Have you ever felt that you're going through the motions during your day, and while nothing particularly awful is happening, not much good is going on either? I went through a stretch like this recently. During days like this, I realize I could use a little more joy in my life. It surprised me a few weeks ago when I found some of the joy I was lacking. Of all the unusual places to find it, I found it in the news. In the news? Keep listening and I'll explain the joy I found, because you can find it, too. Let me show you how. Joy in the news? Really? Where I live in the state of Wisconsin in the US, September 25, 2021 was declared Bob Uecker Day to celebrate the 50 years Uecker has been calling the play-by-play broadcast of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball games. 50 years at the same job. Who does that any more? The guy is 87 years old and still working! Uecker is wildly popular with baseball fans in our area. Even marginal fans will listen to his broadcasts because of his quick-witted, self-deprecating sense of humor. He's quite entertaining with the self-effacing funny stories of his playing days and observations about life. Near the end of February when we're all sick of the dreary winter we've been through in our part of the world, the first sign of spring is Bob Uecker broadcasting spring training baseball games from Arizona. He gives us hope that spring must be just around the corner. He's like the first crocus or daffodil pushing through the leftover snow of winter. Among baseball fans, the joy of our relationship with Bob Uecker is palpable. He is also deeply loved by the ballplayers he's been describing for the past 5 decades. So much so that last year in 2020 the players on the Milwaukee Brewers voted a full share of their playoff bonus checks to Uecker. They didn't have to do that. He didn't play at all; he only described the action of those who did. And Uecker in turn donated his share to charity. What a sweet and tender gesture on the part of the team. It's a commentary about the joy of their relationship with him. Who is this man that evokes such an honor? This all raises the question, what is it about an 87-year-old man that endears him to people? How did the joy of relationships he has with so many people come to be? With his many fans, I think it is his self-deprecating sense of humor. His persona is of a guy who wasn't any good at anything - but doesn't know it. It's what made him such a hit on the Tonight Show. Miller Beer commercials, and his role in the 1989 baseball movie, Major League. Uecker is a master of the unexpected. On the day he was honored for his 50 years as a broadcaster he was given the privilege of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch of that day's game, like so many have done before him in major league baseball stadiums all across the country. Most 87-year-old would go out about 10 to 15 feet from home plate and toss the ball underhanded to a catcher. Not Uecker. He had the pitching machine used in batting practice positioned on the pitching mound, and just fed a baseball into the machine which propelled it to the catcher behind home plate. The joy of relationships with people much younger In terms of his relationship with the ballplayers, it's important to note that the average age of the players on the Milwaukee Brewers is 28.8 years Uecker is 87. What is it that bridged this gap of 58 years to bring such joy to players and fans alike? For one thing, Uecker was a ballplayer, too for 6 years, 1962-67. He played for the Milwaukee & Atlanta Braves, St. Louis Cardinals, and Philadelphia Phillies. He knew the joys and challenges of being a professional baseball player. He could relate to them, both the stars on the team and those who struggled. As a player, Uecker was a pretty good defensive catcher, but only a career .200 hitter, which he joked about all the time. In 6 years he only hit 74 RBIs and 14 home runs in 6 years. Odly enough, one of those homers was off hall of fame pitcher, Sandy Koufax. He often joked that the homer he hit almost cost Koufax his place in Cooperstown. The joy of honoring others in our relationships As much as I enjoyed seeing Bob Uecker honored for his 50 years of broadcasting for one baseball team, I found even more joy in another part of this relationship story. It comes from what the star player of the Brewers did. 29-year-old outfielder, Christian Yelich collected money from his teammates to pay Nike to manufacture one pair of specialty shoes for Uecker that displayed the phrase, “One of Us” on the heel of the shoe. Think about this for a moment, and let it sink in. One of us. Imagine what Bob Uecker must have felt to have this group of ballplayers, 58 years younger than himself, give him a gift expressing this sentiment. One of us. One of us Who of us wouldn't long to have people tell us they considered us one of them. That we belonged, that we're together as part of a larger whole. That we're wanted and appreciated by others. Christian Yelich makes $23.8 million dollars a year as a professional baseball player and he organized getting this gift to honor Bob Uecker. Yelich also had a pair of baseball spikes made for himself that look like the Nike shoes given to Uecker. All of this reminded me of the joy of relationships, and how we need to nurture them. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to experience the joy of relationships in your life? I suggest following the ORA principle we've been talking about for some time. Observe Observe. Look around. Be curious about the world around us. Take our eyes off ourselves. There are good things happening all over the place if we take the time to look and notice the joy in relationships we come across in our daily lives. There's something within most of us that wants to be connected. We're made for relationships. Look for these connections. Reflect Reflect. Take time to think more deeply about what we observe. Many of us choose to stay too busy to reflect upon what we observe. Instead, consider the meaning behind what we see. Let it soak in. Are there themes in what we see and experience? I've been thinking a lot lately about the implications of the phrase on the back of Bob Uecker's new shoes, “One of us.” To be called this is something we have little or no control over. But it brings us to the next component of the ORA principle. Act Act. What we do have control over, is taking action ourselves, to extend ourselves to others. Get to know people younger or older than ourselves, as Bob Uecker and the baseball players have done. If people aren't honoring us, we can honor others ourselves. We can do what the apostle Paul calls us to do in Romans 12:10, Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Be for others what you would like them to be for you. This creates a measure of joy for ourselves, as Christian Yellich no doubt experienced with the Nikes he gave Bob Uecker. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode One fulfilling way to enrich our lives is to observe and delight in the joy of relationships we see happening between different people all around us. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Reply” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act. So that you will find the joy of relationships God intends for you. For you know by now, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 003: A Gift for the Person Who Has Everything 016: Two Ways to Care for a Missionary 023: Reminding Each Other of Our Own Stories 032: What Am I Here For? What is My Purpose in Life? 083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Be thankful we don't always have to be right, for it will free us from having to defend ourselves, which allows us to relate better with people. It's the topic we consider in today's episode. We can now put Halloween and all its creepiness in our rear-view mirror and head toward Thanksgiving Day here in the US, a much more meaningful holiday. We'll come upon it in just four weeks, the 4th Thursday of November. And rather than focusing on that one day for what we're thankful for, I'll be using the following four weekly episodes to reflect upon this most important relational principle of gratitude. Thankfulness, gratitude, appreciation are all important qualities that bring joy into our relationships I did this something similar in 2019 in episodes 41- 44. I'll have links to them in the show notes. For these next four weeks, though, I want us to think more deeply about being thankful for more than just our family and good health, those two everyday items of gratitude that often come up at Thanksgiving dinner. I hope you stick with me because I'm confident you'll pick up an idea or two to enhance your relational skills that will deepen your relationships. I'll start with a story that happened to my wife Janet and me a few weeks ago. It's about what happens when we don't always feel the need to be right. Our happy place We took a two-day getaway trip to our favorite happy place, Door County, Wisconsin. We love the water, which is everywhere, the picturesque state park, and the slow pace of life there. Janet loves going into many of the quaint shops while I wait in the car and read. I'm not into quaint. She is. On our way out of town, as we headed home on the last day of our trip, we stopped to buy apples and cherries. It's what this part of the state is known for, along with a few pumpkins. As I pulled out of the store's parking lot where we bought the pumpkins, I had to make a left turn unto a busy two-lane highway. Our car was at an awkward angle to see cars coming from my right because the headrest on the passenger seat blocked part of my view. I could partially see a car off in the distance, and Janet was watching it too and then said, “It's all clear; you can pull out.” So I stepped on the gas and turned left onto the highway. As I gained speed, I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the car I thought was in the distance, right up against the rear of our car—both of us driving at high speeds. I stepped harder on the gas, and the other car slowed down. “I don't think it was all clear, Janet. That car was right up on my tail,” I said. “Sorry,” she said. She didn't defend herself or feel the need to be right. I quickly forgot about the car behind us, and we continued down the highway for a few miles, at which point I pulled into a gas station to fill up. An awkward encounter While pumping gas, and out of nowhere, a girl pops out from the other side of the pump. She was wearing torn blue jean shorts, tattoos up and down both arms, a bare midriff with a ring in her navel, and another one in her nose. Her partially pink hair was in a bun on top of her head. With both hands on her hips, she said to me, “You know you almost caused an accident back there when you pulled into the road. I almost ran into you.” I then recognized her car and, without thinking, said, “We'll you were going pretty fast” as I continued to pump gas. The girl fights back “No, I wasn't. The speed limit is 55, and that's what I was going. I've been driving for five years now, and I really had to slam on the brakes to avoid crashing into you.” She implied that her five years of driving experience was all I needed to know about her motor vehicle expertise. I've been driving for many more decades than her. Humpf. What I wanted to say was, “Well, my wife said it was all clear for me to pull out.” But I didn't want to throw Janet under the bus and blame her. Janet later said, “Oh, that would have been okay with me; you could have told her that.” She said it wouldn't bother her if I had thrown her under the bus. She's comfortable in her own skin, and despite what the girl said, she still thought the girl was driving too fast. Anyway, as I continued filling my car with gas, I thought she's only been driving five years. If she got her license when she was 16 like most kids do, that would make her 21. She actually looked younger than that. The conversation ended with the tattooed pink-haired driver, and she continued pumping gas, as did I. A surprising shift And then something happened inside me. I don't know what it was. But when I finished filling my car with gas, I walked around the corner of the pump and said to the girl, “Miss?” I had to say it twice before she heard me. She looked up a bit surprised, at which point I said. “I apologize for what happened back there.” “I appreciate that,” she said. “It really scared me” I could see it in her face. “I didn't mean to scare you,” I said. “Well, thank you,” she said again,” I really appreciate that.” I felt like I needed to represent old men who look down their noses at tattooed young women with rings in their noses. I didn't want her to think badly of us. What I learned from this chance meeting Apologizing well is not a skill I want to develop. I want to have few things I need to apologize for, not more of them. A barrier dropped between this girl and me once I apologized. I could see more clearly the impact my behavior had on her. I could also see more clearly that my pride stood between us before I said I was sorry. It certainly wasn't somthing I was looking for it, but I actually felt connected with that girl once I apologized. The incident reminded me of my daughter and a car accident she was once in. It reminded me that this girl had a mother and a father who probably loved her - like I love our daughter and granddaughter. So what does all this mean for YOU? Is there anyone you need to apologize to? Are there barriers you think would drop if you did? Is there anything you've done to scare people? To what extent do you feel you need to prove yourself to others? If so, could that be more about your pride than anything else? Are there people in your life trying to prove themselves to you? If so, how about asking God to show you how to help relieve that person of the burden of feeling they always having to be right.? Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode Be thankful we don't have to always be right. It will free us from the burden of having to defend ourselves, which in turn will help us relate better with others. It breaks down barriers between people. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope today's show stimulated your thinking to reflect and take some action, like thinking about where your pride and defensiveness may be getting in the way of a relationship. It will help you find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week about another thankfulness topic. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 041: Thankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life 042: Thankful for the Irritations of Life 043: Thankful for People Different from Me 044: Thankful for the People who Invested in Us You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

A few weeks ago Episode 125, dropped, How to Relate When They Come Home From College. It evoked interesting responses from two listeners. If you missed that episode, I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. Both responses reminded me of something we can be thankful for as we close in on Thanksgiving Day here in the US. Namely, we can be thankful we have the privilege of creating memories for people. Keep listening to learn how. First listener response A listener in Virginia wrote after listening to that episode the following: “Hey John, Great podcast this week (as always), but this one was nostalgic, bringing thoughts of my folks and how I couldn't wait to see them my first Thanksgiving away from home.  It seemed like a long semester and a long trip home (600 miles), but I remember my Mom fixed my favorite dishes, and my Dad was ready with lots of hugs and even more questions.  He wanted to listen, and so did Mother!” The show our listener is referring to was directed to the parents of a returning college student, while her response highlights the effect her parents' welcoming had on her. They did it right. They created a great memory for her: favorite foods, lots of hugs, and listening, complete with many questions. The listener is a personal friend of Janet and mine. To put her comments in context, our friend is many decades past her college years, yet this memory still sticks with her. I doubt if her parents gave any thought when they welcomed her daughter home from college for the first time that it would create such a lasting memory in her daughter. Knowing that her parents passed away within the past several years makes this all the more meaningful. We can certainly be thankful we have the privilege of creating memories for people. The good ones, like this one, have a long shelf life Second listener response This one comes from our daughter Jennifer who lives in South Carolina. She wrote: “I just saw this email [the one I send each Wednesday morning previewing that week's episode], but you would be happy to know that on Wednesday night when Tim [her husband our son-in-law] was driving to get Nathan [their son], I thought to put a pizza in the oven for when they got here. So when Nathan got home at 10:30 pm, a pizza was waiting for him. “We told him the last time he was home about this tradition you had started and how we wanted it to live on for him! So the legacy continues. Pizza upon arrival home from college! “Thanks for making my childhood (and into adulthood) so great!. I love you…” Her response really touched me in thanking me for making her childhood a great one. My wife Janet played a huge part in that, too. It also touched me that she appreciated this pizza tradition that she wanted to carry forward with her son. Nathan loves pizza anyway, but to know one was awaiting him when he returned home from college for his fall break brought me joy. My legacy I guess my legacy will be about pizza. I can see it on my tombstone now, Here lies John Certalic He made pizza possible So here we have two listeners sharing fond memories of the childhood their parents created for them. For some of us, our childhood was a stage of life we would just as soon forget. I'm one of those people. I can't think of any happy memories growing up. But despite that, there is one great memory my mother created for me when I was in my 40s. I wrote about it in my book, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. I'll read a few paragraphs about this memory A memory created coming home from the hospital Several years after Dad retired, I got a phone call from Mom to tell me she was at the hospital with Dad. She called 911 when he fell out of his chair watching TV and then rode with him in an ambulance to the hospital. He had suffered a stroke and would be staying in the hospital. She asked if I could come and pick her up, as there was nothing more she could do that night. I drove down to the hospital to get her and take her back home, which became the first of many such trips with her. She still drove herself but was quite nervous about this dramatic change in her life. So for those first few weeks, I often picked her up, and we visited Dad together. On one such occasion, coming home after a hospital visit, we stopped for a red light at an intersection close to her home, the home where I spent almost all of my growing-up years. As we came to a stop, she suddenly burst into tears and cried out, “I am so sorry for how I raised you—all the yelling and hitting. You didn't deserve any of that. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.” An apology makes a memory Her apology was one of the most surprising things that ever happened to me. In fact, the story I just shared appears in chapter 14, “Three Surprises.” It confirmed for me that I hadn't made up memories of my dysfunctional childhood in my head. She confirmed reality for me. That what I remember happening actually did occur. I had forgiven my parents for all that a long time ago and didn't need my mother's apology. But her heartfelt expression of remorse was a wonderful gift my mother gave me. It's one of the most meaningful memories I've ever experienced. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to enhance the relationships in your life? While it's wonderful to be on the receiving end of memories others create for us; we can be thankful we can make memories for others ourselves. It will bring out the best in us as we create an experience someone will remember for the rest of their life. And it's never too late to start. My mother created that memory I mentioned for me when she was in her 60s. My son and his wife created a memory a number of years ago their three kids will remember the rest of their lives. It started when they were all in elementary school. On the last day of school, when the school bus dropped the kids off in front of their house, they got a big surprise from their parents. Out from behind some bushes or from behind the house, their parents came running out brandishing military-style water guns, soaking their children with water as they ran around the yard trying to avoid them. I think Janet and I even got in on the act one year. A memory that topped all others The June 2020 water soaking was the best ever. The twin boys had just finished their senior year of high school, and their sister 10th grade. On that last day of school, they came home in a car they shared. As they approached their home and drove into their driveway, they were greeted by two firetrucks on the road that sprayed their car with water. And then each of them as they got out of the vehicle. It was the mother of all end-of-school-year memories! I wrote about it in a Father's Day blog post for June 2020. Click here if you'd like to read more about it. All this to say, what memories can you create for someone this month? Perhaps even to apologize to someone who least expects it, just as my mother did for me. It's an important relational principle that we can be thankful we can make memories that will enrich someone's life. It's a great way to celebrate Thanksgiving Day and every day. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode We can be thankful we can make memories for people. It's never too late to start. It's a privilege to bless someone else in ways they will remember for the rest of their lives. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to make a memory for someone. When you do, you will find some of the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to being with you again next week. Goodbye for now. A related episode and blog post you may want to check out Episode 125: How to Relate When They Come Home From College Blog post mentioned above: Dads Spark Joy When They Create Memories You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Today's episode is about being thankful we can be the person God created us to be, in whatever form that may take. It's the third in our Thankfulness series, leading up to Thanksgiving Day next week here in the US. Our Canadian friends beat us to the punch with their own Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October. We started our series with episode 129, Thankful We Don't Always Have to be Right, followed by Thankful We Can Make Memories in Episode 130. I'll have links to each of these at the bottom of the show notes. The story of one strong woman Today we're going to consider a story from the Bible that illustrates an important relational concept we can be thankful for. It's found in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 14, verses 3-9. 3Meanwhile, Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon, a man who had previously had leprosy. While he was eating, a woman came in with a beautiful alabaster jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard. She broke open the jar and poured the perfume over his head. 4Some of those at the table [i.e, disciples of Jesus, mostly men, including Judas Iscariot] were indignant. "Why waste such expensive perfume?" they asked.5"It could have been sold for a year's wages and the money given to the poor!" So they scolded her harshly. 6But Jesus replied, "Leave her alone. Why criticize her for doing such a good thing to me? 7You will always have the poor among you, and you can help them whenever you want to. But you will not always have me.8She has done what she could and has anointed my body for burial ahead of time. 9I tell you the truth, wherever the Good News is preached throughout the world, this woman's deed will be remembered and discussed." What caught my eye in this passage was the last line, 9… this woman's deed will be remembered and discussed. I remembered this story, as I've read it a number of times, but don't ever recall discussing it. Two sisters, different from each other “Who's talking about this story?” I wondered. I then looked at parallel accounts in the other gospels and found the same story in John 12: 1-8 and Matthew 26: 6-13. These two accounts mention the woman in the story is named Mary. She happens to be the sister of Martha, both of whom are sisters of Lazarus. And this is how I found out who's talking about this woman's story. It's other women who are talking. Countless women's bible studies talk about Mary and her sister, Martha. We learn in other places in the gospels that Martha is the practical, task-oriented one, while Mary is the relational more feelings oriented sensitive sister. They both are poster children for being the person God created them to be. There have been a gazillion sermons preached about their relationship, about the priority Mary placed on worshiping Jesus and relating with others, while her sister is slaving away in the kitchen. These sermons always elevate Mary's values over Martha, which really is the main point of this particular story: that our worship and relationship with Jesus are far more far important than our to-do list and completing tasks. I get that. But there is a secondary part of this story that focuses on the character and personality of Mary that I find both interesting and encouraging. In Mary, we see someone who has learned that we can be thankful to be the person God created us to be. Created to be different God created Mary to be different from her practical, task-oriented sister, Martha, and to be different from the mostly male disciples who were equally pragmatic and practical as Martha when it came to how they spent their money. In relating with Jesus, Mary was being the person God created her to be. That doesn't mean she didn't have things to work on in her life. But she was reflecting the character of God well. She was reflecting the hierarchy of God's values in the story I read from the Gospel of Mark. God certainly values feeding the poor and being wise with our finances. But He values worshiping and honoring His son more. Mary was comfortable enough in her own skin to be the person God created her to be in the face of criticism from others. It's one thing to face opposition from outsiders, it's another thing to get it from within your own tribe. From people whose worldview and mission in life is the same as yours, as in Mary's case with her fellow Jesus followers, the disciples. Mary was not a people pleaser, she had to stand up to her sister, and also to the crowd of men who were in the same room as she was in this story. They were all on the same team, yet they had differing values. She must have beena sensitive, yet strong woman to stand up to the peer pressure from these male disciples. When we're not the person God created us to be In reflecting upon this story, it occurred to me that the cost of not being who God created you to be is high. There's a loss when you try to be someone else because who you really are is lost to the world. The contribution God intends for you to make to the world doesn't happen when you're busy trying to be someone you're not. People who could have been blessed when you be the person God created you to be, miss out on that blessing. We create a fertile field of relational dysfunction when we choose not to be the person God created us to be. One way we do this is by selling ourselves short with self-limiting attitudes and behaviors. We impose restrictions on ourselves that God never intended. We say “no” more than “yes” to opportunities to stretch ourselves in becoming the person God created us to be. Another way we create relational dysfunction for ourselves is when we don't respect the limits God placed within us. It's when we think we can do it all, where we say “yes” more than we say “no” to choices that come our way. We ignore the relational principle of every time we say “yes” to something we are saying “no” to something else. It's when we become a people pleaser, thinking our job is to make people happy, even if it's beyond the limits God has set for us to do so. All this happens when we choose not to be the person God created us to be. It is a choice. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? I would start with the great quote from Oscar Wilde who said, “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.” There's too much pressure to live under when we feel we have to be someone we're not. There's great freedom and joy that comes from resting in the fact we can be the person God created us to be. Like Mary in the story we read, we can be thankful we don't have to be like other people. Even like those close to us like family members or people we work with. The only person we need to please is Jesus. And He will show us how to do so, which may be completely different than the way he shows other people. As long as we're all on the same page with Jesus, We don't have to be like others. And others don't have to be like us. Oh, and one last thought. Let's not be like the disciples in the story I read in the beginning. Don't make it difficult for others to be the person God created them to be. Be their cheerleader instead. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode God created us in his image to reflect his character well, so be thankful we can be the person God created us to be, in whatever form that is. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect on how you can be thankful to be the person God created you to be. And also to consider how you can help others be the person God created them to be. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 129: Thankful We Don't Always Have to be Right 130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

We enrich our lives when we pause to observe and reflect upon our experiences. We'll then more easily notice the blessings to be thankful for. Even blessings that we rarely consider. That's what today's episode is all about. Many of us here in the US will sit down tomorrow for Thanksgiving dinner. It's custom in many homes to go around the table with each person expressing something they've been thankful for in the past year. One year when our kids were very little one of them blurted out “I'm thankful that when I say the number 7 I don't explode.” Giggles would follow. It's hard being thankful in the midst of giggling. A more common response to what are you thankful for invokes family, friends, and good health. Not to minimize these blessings of gratitude, for today, though, I want to consider other blessings we can be thankful for that we rarely consider. Black Friday and commerce A few years ago a missionary serving overseas posted on Facebook her disgust with Black Friday and commercialism of life back in the US. She went on for several paragraphs chastising Americans for our materialism in no uncertain terms. Black Friday appalled her. I'm no fan of materialism, but I'm a big fan of Black Friday. The term “Black Friday” came about to describe businesses that finally get out of the red for the year. It's isn't until shopping picks up after thanksgiving that they finally turn a profit and get into the black, where income (the black)starts to exceed expenses (the red). It's sort of an accounting term. If it weren't for commerce, where would missionary support come from? Black Friday indirectly supports missionaries and the spread of the Gospel. It enables businesses to provide jobs for people that in turn provides income for people to support their families and support local and global ministries, like missions. So I say three cheers for Black Friday! One Sunday several years ago Janet and I went to the church our executive producer Carol and her husband Terry attend. As part of the church service, they prayed for a local business. That it would be successful in serving its customers and providing jobs for people. What a wonderful outreach to the community, I thought. Without Black Friday A single friend of ours living on social security we spoke to just recently would not have a seasonal job to supplement her meager government income Two of our grandsons would not be able to pick up additional hours at their part-time jobs to help pay for their college expenses People would have fewer opportunities to express one of the five love languages Gary Chapman writes about: Gifts. While some people undoubtedly shop for themselves on Black Friday, most shop for Christmas gifts for others. It's about the love. Don't you feel it? Bethany Fellowship in Minneapolis I wonder if the missionary I mentioned who blasted the consumer mentality of Americans knows the story of Bethany Fellowship in Minneapolis. It was founded by five businessmen in 1945 with the vision of sending and fully supporting 100 missionaries. The families of these five businesspeople sold their homes and pooled their resources to acquire a common residence, a large, 30-room home in Minneapolis called “Bethany House.” They did this to reduce unnecessary work and expenses so more time and money would be available for working together to support sending missionaries to the mission field. To fully support these missionaries they started several businesses, the most successful of which were Bethany camping trailers and Bethany House Publishers. Bethany Global University is another of their initiatives. It prepares future missionaries to take the Gospel to the far corners of the world. All of this was started over 70 years ago by five businessmen. It is a great story of using the world of commerce for Kingdom purposes. It's certainly out of the mainstream of what we normally give thanks for on Thanksgiving, but Black Friday and the world of commerce are certainly blessings to be thankful for. Humor In 1993 a great book came out that never really took off with readers. It should have. The Resilient Self: How Survivors of Troubled Families Rise Above Adversity by Steven and Sybil Wolin. It raises, then answers the question, “Why do people who grow up with difficult childhoods often turn out so differently as adults?” Some become dysfunctional adults, while others thrive. In their research, they found that those who later thrive as adults do so because they develop one or more of seven resiliences. One of which is humor. Humor got me through adolescence. I wasn't a class clown; I didn't entertain people with jokes. But I did find comfort in noticing incongruities in life, in puns, and satire. My wife Janet and I went to high school together, and she was the co-editor of our high school newspaper. We weren't dating at the time, but she saw my humor come out in the few classes we were in together. So she asked if I would write a column for the school paper, which I did for two years. “Off the Beaten Path” is what it was called. It was supposed to be funny. And sometimes it was. I loved writing it and found it got my eyes off all the tension and dysfunction going on at home with my parents. Humor is a tricky thing, though. It can connect us with one another, or it can separate us. Humor that comes out as silliness, sarcasm, or making fun of others pushes people away. And even good humor, when used too often, can draw undue attention to self, which bores people and distances us from each other. You need humor in Africa I learned about humor from a missionary's perspective a number of years ago. It was on my first missions trip, which was to Mali in West Africa. Mali is where Timbuktu is located. One of the Missionaries there talked about the importance of language learning. If you don't learn the native language well, he said, you'll miss out on the humor of the culture. You'll miss the puns. You'll miss the jokes, he said. And you won't fit into the culture. When done well, humor is a blessing we can be thankful for. It brings us together when we laugh about shared experiences. A while back we were leaving church and while walking past cars in the parking lot saw a friend in her car who rolled down the window and began chatting with us. She started by saying, “Did you hear the news this morning? The CEO of Ikea was just elected president of Sweden? “Really? No, I hadn't heard that,” I said. “Yes, and he's assembling his cabinet now.” She responded. If I were to explain why that joke is funny it would take away from the humor. But in the days afterward, I re-told it to friends and family, and we shared a good laugh each time. It connected us. So when I think about that particular Thanksgiving many years ago when our young son blurted out “I'm thankful that when I say the number 7 I don't explode,” it reminds me of how parents can bless their children by helping to nurture in them a sense of humor. So humor is the second blessing I'm thankful for. Here's the third one. Gracious and thankful people Two months ago in September 2021, the Art Institute of Chicago fired all 82 of its docents because they were not diverse enough in the eyes of the museum's leadership. They were mostly older white women who volunteered their time to give guided tours of the Institute's extensive art collection. They averaged 15 years of experience. This prompted a letter to the editor of the Wall Street Journal by Lauren Arnold of Mountain View, CA. I'll read part of her October 20th letter. She writes: “The foolish and shortsighted firings of volunteer docents at the Art Institute of Chicago will destroy decades of enlightened outreach to the public-school children of this major city [i.e., Chicago]. I know this because I owe my entire career as an art historian to the docents of the Art Institute of Chicago. “My parents never took us to art museums - ‘those are for rich people' - so my first introduction to Chicago's art treasures was on a 7th-grade public-school field trip, when our rowdy busload of racially diverse, working-class kids was met by a brave young docent who took us through the institute's awe-inspiring galleries. I've never forgotten that day. It was akin to Harry Potter's first visit to Hogwarts. We floated up the marble staircases gazing at the enormous paintings of Greek myths, and walked through galleries of Impressionist works beyond compare. When it looks like no one listened “Our docent told us: ‘You live in Chicago, so this is your art. This building and everything in it belongs to you. Like your library, you can come here anytime you want. All of this beauty belongs to you.' At the end of our tour, she got us on our bus to the South Side and waved us a rueful goodbye. Her face showed that she already knew that not a single one of us had listened to her, that none of these kids cared. “But she was wrong: My 12-year-old self was listening and her words set me on a path that shaped my professional life. I credit the docent program of the Art Institute of Chicago, with its highly educated women volunteers, for providing this invaluable outreach to city kids, who never would have known it without them. “…that day this volunteer was an intellectual wizard, pointing me toward a life beyond my childhood schooling in Chicago's slums. She took us into one aspect of our civilizational past and made us heirs of the beauty of humanist culture.” What a beautiful piece of writing that comes from the heart to express the writer's deep gratitude for the passion a docent imparted to her 12-year-old self. So what does all this mean for YOU? I wonder what are the unusual blessings you can be thankful for? What are the unremarkable things in your life, that if you reflect upon, will evoke gratitude? I wonder how you might use humor to help you connect with people, and perhaps ease tension in a relationship. And then there are the grateful people we are sometimes blessed to have in our life. People we just like to be around because they so appreciate the little and simple things of life. Maybe we could try to follow their example so that others are drawn to us as we become a blessing they can be thankful for. If we ask Him, I bet God would show us how to do this. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode We enrich our lives when we take time to observe and reflect upon our experiences. When we do so we'll more easily notice the blessings to be thankful for. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act by considering the blessings in your life to be thankful for. In doing so you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. One thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and a rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet. Well, that's all for today. Happy Thanksgiving to all our American listeners. See you next week at the very beginning of December. Goodbye for now. A related episode you may want to listen to 004: The Gift of Even Though You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Relationships are the back story to the Christmas story. The cast of characters interacting with each other gives us role models to follow in our relationships this Christmas season. Follow along as we learn how to do it right from a key supporting actor in this most important story. The problem with Christmas Here we are on the first of December, and I've got Christmas on my mind. I bet some of you do, too. One of my Christmas memories that resurfaced recently is the time years ago when the pastor of the church we were attending didn't preach anything at all about the Christmas story, until the last Sunday before Christmas. And even then it was just a tip of the hat with some cursory acknowledgment of the event. We didn't even sing any of the beautiful Christmas carols people have sung for centuries. I was disappointed. Something was missing. Yet in some ways I could understand the pastor. For several years I facilitated a mastermind group for pastors and they talked about how challenging it was to preach sermons about Christmas. It was hard to come up with something new, something creative, something they and others have not already said.I spoke about this in episode 80, A Christmas Gift of Silence. Imagine you're 50 years old and have been preaching since you were 25, that's 25 Christmas sermons. And not just Christmas Day, or the Sunday before, but all of December. 4 times 25 is 100 Christmas sermons. A good math problem for a 3rd-grade homeschooler. I can see why pastors might find it hard to preach about Christmas if they feel they have to come up with something fresh and creative. Relationships are the back story to the Christmas story In my view though, Christmas is not something to be creative about. Hip-hop, rap, or bluegrass Christmas carols just ruin it for me. Be creative about Lent, but please, not Christmas. If I were a pastor, I would preach about the relationships we see in the back story to Christmas story. They are the backstory to the main story of Christmas, Jesus entering the human race to reconcile all of us to himself. That's what I would do if were a pastor. Maybe that's why the offers to be one have not exactly poured in (or maybe they don't have my address or phone number). You could make a case that the back story to Christmas starts in the Garden of Eden, where the coming of Jesus is foretold in Genesis 3:15. But for our purposes, we'll jump in where the apostle Luke picks things up closer to the actual birth of Christ. In leading up to the main story of Jesus' birth, there is an interesting cast of characters who illustrate relationship principles we can all benefit from. Things that could get us through the holidays in good spirits. Lessons about relating to each other, relating to our own self, and most importantly, relating to God. So that's what we'll be doing today, and for the rest of the weeks leading up to Christmas. Stay tuned to give a listen. The cast of characters in the Christmas story From Luke's gospel, where we find the most detail of the Christmas story, we see references to 7 individual people, 2 separate angels, a large group of townspeople, a small group of shepherds, an army of angels, and of course, Jesus as a baby. Quite a cast of characters. No wonder the Christmas story was the subject of so many grade school plays in years gone by; the whole school could have a part. Zechariah For today though, Let's just focus on one character. I'm going to go with Zechariah. From the first chapter of Luke's gospel, we know that Zechariah is A Jewish priest Righteous in God's eyes, “careful to obey all the Lord's commandments and regulations” Old, married to an old wife, with no children He was the subject of episode 80 that I mentioned before, and I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. I have a few more thoughts about him today, specifically to see what we can learn from watching how he relates to other people, himself, and God. It's the Observe skill we've been talking about this year. Zechariah's relational moments In observing Zechariah's relational moments in the back story to the Christmas story, we first see him becoming fearful when he encounters an angel in the sanctuary of the temple in Jerusalem. The angel is Gabriel and he tells him his elderly wife is going to get pregnant and give birth to a son after all these years of no children. He tells Zechariah the wonderful plans God has for his son, who is to be called “John.” Gabriel shares the very significant role his son will have in carrying out God's plan. In spite of this wonderful news, Zechariah doubts the angel and God who sent him. He wants certainty about the words from God. “How can I be sure this will happen?”, he says (Luke 1:18). We're like this sometimes when we doubt God. It's another way of saying “I don't know if I can trust God.” That's what we're really doubting, our trust in God. Our need for certainty exposes our lack of trust. Later in the Christmas story, we see Mary in a similar situation as Zechariah when Gabriel tells her she is going to give birth to Jesus the Messiah. Mary asks, ” But how can this happen? I am a virgin.” (Luke 1:34) Unlike Zechariah, her response isn't doubt or lack of trust; it's wanting to understand the process, the next step. She's not looking for “how can I be sure” like Zechariah is. When we don't trust God there can be negative consequences, as there was for Zechariah. Gabriel tells him that because he doesn't believe him, he won't be able to talk until his son is born. Nine months of silence from Zechariah's lips. Fortunately for Zechariah, and for us, God's discipline isn't a death sentence. It doesn't last forever. God doesn't give up on Zechariah, and he doesn't give up on you and me either. Visit from a relative The next relational interaction we observe with Zechariah occurs when he receives Mary, the soon-to-be mother of Jesus, into his home with his wife Elizabeth for a three-month visit. This is after Gabriel tells Mary she is to give birth to Jesus and at the same time, he says that her relative Elizabeth is also pregnant. Some scholars think Elizabeth is Mary's aunt [pronounced “ant'], other scholars think she is Mary's aunt [pronounced “Auh-nt”]. And still other theologians speculate that Mary is Elizabeth's niece. We'll let the scholars and theologians battle that out. It keeps them employed and off the dole. I find it interesting that the text says Mary went to where Zechariah lived, not where Elizabeth lived. (Luke 1:39 and 56). What a kind gesture for Zechariah to have his routine interrupted with a visit from a relative who stays three months. He and Mary must have had a good relationship for this to occur. Zechariah may have had a sense that Mary's visit would be good for his elderly pregnant wife, Elizabeth. Have you ever had people outside of your family move in to live with you for any length of time? Janet and I have done this a number of times. It's an interruption to be sure. And some guests are more high maintenance than others. But in all the instances I can remember, we gained more than we gave up. You might want to try it sometime. What will the neighbors think? Another relational lesson we learn from Zechariah comes up when his son is born. Neighbors and relatives want the baby to be named after his father, but very forcefully Zechariah communicates in writing, “His name is John,” which at that point his speech finally returns, just as Gabriel said it would (Luke 1:63). It takes strength of character to go against the preferences of neighbors, friends, and relatives. And against tradition. But Zechariah did. He obeyed God, rather than man. And sometimes that's difficult. It was for Zechariah back then, and it's true for us now. Sometimes when we obey God, we may disappoint important people in our life. But doing what God wants us to do always trumps pleasing people. God is not a fan of people pleasers. This is a great lesson in relating to God and other people. It's an important part of the back story to the Christmas story. Zechariah's first words after nine months of silence We also learn some relational lessons from Zechariah when his speech returns after his son John is born. Zechariah could have complained about his punishment of silence. Instead, he took his discipline from God like a man. He realized he was wrong for doubting God, and accepted the consequences. When Zechariah's speech finally returns he puts his past doubts about God to rest. He moves forward praising God with a prophecy as his very first words: "Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has visited and redeemed his people. He has sent us a mighty Savior from the royal line of his servant David, just as he promised through his holy prophets long ago. “Now we will be saved from our enemies and from all who hate us. He has been merciful to our ancestors by remembering his sacred covenant-- the covenant he swore with an oath to our ancestor Abraham. “We have been rescued from our enemies so we can serve God without fear, in holiness and righteousness for as long as we live.” (Luke 1:67-75) You and I have the same opportunity as Zechariah. We can either use God's discipline to push us away from Him or to draw us closer to Him. The choice is ours. A Father casts a vision for his son Besides this lesson, there's that moment when Zechariah looks down at his new-born son and says to him: "And you, my little son, will be called the prophet of the Most High, because you will prepare the way for the Lord. You will tell his people how to find salvation through forgiveness of their sins. “Because of God's tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” Luke 1:76-79 I love how tender Zechariah is with his baby, when he turns his attention from praising God, to casting a vision for his little boy. There's no reason men can't be tender with their babies. Don't leave the nurturing to just mothers. Bless your children and give them a vision for what they can become, Just like Zechariah did. A place in history Besides Zechariah's relationship with people and with God, I so appreciate how he recognizes his place in history and his role in advancing God's story of redemption. Like millions before him, he has been waiting for the Messiah. But now, as crazy as it seemed to him, Zechariah has been given a supporting role in the birth and parenting of a boy who one day will become John the Baptist. And John himself will play a major supporting role in preparing the way for Jesus in bringing the good news of the Gospel to the world. These important relationships are the back story to the Christmas story. You know, we all have the opportunity to play a role in advancing God's kingdom. Jesus is the lead actor in God's great drama; that's his role. He's the star. But he wants us on stage with him as supporting actors. What a great privilege. I wonder what your role is? If you're not sure how to answer this, I bet if you were to ask Jesus he would show you the supporting part he wants you to play. And one final thing about Zechariah and his relationship with his son. His boy, who grows to be John the Baptist, becomes more of an influencer than he does. John impacts more people in telling them about Jesus than the role God called his father to play. And from what we know of Zechariah, I'm sure he's perfectly fine with that. May the same be true of all of us who have children. May we rejoice with them when their influence on God's kingdom exceeds ours. Here's the big takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Relationships are the back story to the Christmas story The cast of characters interacting with each other gives us role models we can follow. They teach us how to relate with each other, with ourselves, and with God. Let's pay attention to them. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect on the supporting role God is calling you to play in his grand design for the human race. And then to play it out the best you can, for as you know, You Were Made for This. Lastly, one thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week when we look at another relationship interaction in the back story to the Christmas story. Goodbye for now. A related episode you may want to listen to 080: A Christmas Gift of Silence You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

When we celebrate together all the great things God has done for each of us, we experience a better kind of Christmas joy than the world experiences in Christmas traditions and family gatherings. For example, as you and I think of the joy of Christmas what usually comes to mind? If you're anything like me it's friends and family getting together, it's a Christmas tree and other holiday decorations, Christmas music, traditions or rituals we've done for years. One of my favorites is watching older Christmas movies like White Christmas, Holiday Inn, and my all-time favorite, It's a Wonderful Life! If you're a fan of this flick you might want to check out episode 45, “Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made.” I'll have a link to it in the show notes, or you can just go to johncertalic.com/45. I find joy in all these things. But it's a fleeting kind of joy. It's like watching a bright yellow goldfinch landing at your bird feeder, picking at a few seeds, and then quickly flying off with them. The joy is so brief. So it is with all the trappings of Christmas. This type of Christmas joy is all about reliving nostalgia for a brief time. Then it's gone. Because so very little of the cultural customs of Christmas have anything at all to do with Jesus. There's a better kind of Christmas joy though. The joy found in relationships brought together by a relationship with Jesus. Today's episode is an example. So keep listening. The backstory of the Christmas story continues Last week we started a December series on what we can learn from the relationships that make up the back story to the Christmas story. In that episode, no. 133, A Jewish priest by the name of Zechariah modeled for us several helpful relationship principles. I'll have a link to that episode in the show notes, or you can just go to johncertalic.com/133 to listen or read about it later. Today, though, we look at another Christmas backstory relationship between two unlikely characters. What we see in their relationship will give us some ideas we can use to enhance our own relationships. God sends an angel We pick up the story of this unlikely relationship in the first chapter of the Gospel of Luke. The first person in this relationship is Zechariah's wife, Elizabeth. He describes her as “well along in years” and who has never been able to conceive a child. She is now 6 months pregnant when the apostle Luke introduces us to the 2nd person in this relationship with this:  … God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a village in Galilee, to a virgin named Mary. She was engaged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of King David. Gabriel appeared to her and said, “Greetings,favored woman! The Lord is with you! Gabriel is the same angel that appeared to Zechariah to tell him that despite his advanced age, his equally aged-wife Elizabeth would give birth to a son who would become John the Baptist. We learn from Luke's account that Mary is in a relationship with this man Joseph. They're engaged to be married. We'll talk about him in a future episode. There is a better kind of Christmas joy in that story too. Mary's reaction to the news she receives For now, though, we see Gabriel greeting Mary, declaring she is a favored woman and that the Lord is with her. Her response and interaction with Gabriel illustrate a high degree of relational intelligence we can learn from. Confused and disturbed, Mary tried to think what the angel could mean. Mary deals with her emotional state by using her mind to process what she just experienced with this greeting from an angel. She tried to think of the implications of what just happened. Mary uses the cognitive ability God created her with to listen to what her emotions are trying to tell her. Mary doesn't just feel. Feelings are intended to lead us to think. Feelings are not the end game. They are a means to an end - understanding what is true at the moment we feel. Gabriel is sensitive enough to pick up on Mary's emotional state. He starts by giving a name to her confused and disturbed condition: fear. And then tells her not to be afraid. "Don't be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her Dealing with fear Many times when we're confused and disturbed it is because we're afraid of something. Try this out; the next time you're interacting with someone who's confused and disturbed, ask yourself, “I wonder what they might be afraid of?” The next time you feel this way, try asking yourself the same question, “What am I fearing?” Now if Gabriel were to stop here, he could actually have made things worse with his “don't be afraid” comment. This comment, without any explanation, could serve to minimize and discount Mary's fear. But Gabriel doesn't do this. Instead, he gives her reasons why she doesn't need to be afraid. He gives Mary facts, information to address her fears. He points out what reality is going to be for her in the future. Gabriel gives her a vision for what her role will be in advancing God's plan. He says “don't be afraid… for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. And he will reign over Israel forever; his Kingdom will never end! Mary asked the angel, “But how can this happen? I am a virgin.” It helps to talk it out I love how Mary deals with her confusion and disturbed state. She talks about her feelings with someone. She talks with God's representative. Mary goes to the source of her confusion and fear. What a great example for all of us when we are confused and afraid. Talk to God about it. She doesn't ignore her emotions. Mary uses them for the purpose God designed them. Namely, to try and figure out what is causing the emotion. What are my emotions trying to tell me? What is going on that I need to be aware of? It's a cognitive act. Mary asks for more information in order to understand her feelings. Sometimes all we need to ease our fears is to just ask questions of those who have the facts. Especially when our experience flies in the face of what we know to be true, as in Mary's case. Virgins don't give birth to babies. Back to the story of Christmas Joy The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God. Gabriel gives her 3 facts to answer her question of “How can this be? 1.The Holy Spirit will come upon you, 2. The power of the Most High will overshadow you. 3. The baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God. This is an important relationship lesson. Some people just need a lot of information to allay any fears they may have. Gabriel continues: But wait! There's more to this story of Christmas joy What's more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she has conceived a son and is now in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God. Imagine what Elizabeth must have experienced coming out of 5 months of seclusion from her pregnancy. “Where was she?”, the townspeople must have wondered. Then when they see her, “Boy, it looks like old Elizabeth has put on a lot of weight.” Here Gabriel tells Mary she isn't the only one involved in this story, that Elizabeth is involved in part of it, too. In essence, he's telling Mary that God is doing something that looks to be impossible with her relative too, just like he is doing with her. You're in this together with her, Mary. Mary responded, “I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” And then the angel left her. I love the phrase, “I am the Lord's servant.” Mary sees her role is to serve God's plan. Not for God to serve hers. I wonder in what way God wants you to be his servant? Some people will bristle at the thought, I know. But when you get right down to it, our life is not our own. Back to the story. Mary visits Elizabeth A few days later Mary hurried to the hill country of Judea, to the town where Zechariah lived. She entered the house and greeted Elizabeth. At the sound of Mary's greeting, Elizabeth's child leaped for joy within her, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. This raises several questions for me. What about Mary's parents? How did they respond to their daughter suddenly taking off for 3 months to visit Elizabeth? Did she tell them what Gabriel told her? What about her fiancé, Jospeh? How did he feel about her being gone for so long? We know from Matthew's gospel account that he was ready to break off the engagement when he learned Mary was pregnant. Back to Luke's account of a better kind of Christmas Joy Mary enters the home of Zechariah and Elizabeth, then Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, “God has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed. Why am I so honored, that the mother of my Lord should visit me? When I heard your greeting, the baby in my womb jumped for joy. You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.” Elizabeth's character Elizabeth is such an intriguing character. Unlike her husband Zechariah, she doesn't doubt God when she learns she will become pregnant in her old age. She doesn't question the meaning behind what God is doing, like Mary wonders. Elizabeth just basks in the joy of her childless shame being taken from her, and the joy of her connection with Mary and being a blood relative to Jesus the Messiah. Her baby jumps for joy literally in her womb because Elizabeth is jumping for joy figuratively. Notice how their meeting begins, old Elizabeth is six months pregnant which must have been an astonishing sight to see. Her pregnancy is a miracle that has already happened, but instead of talking about that, Elizabeth talks about the miracle yet to come for Mary, giving birth to Jesus. She puts her full focus on Mary and says nothing about herself. Be a friend like Elizabeth Wouldn't it be great if we all had a friend like that? Someone whose first thought is to share in the joy of what you are experiencing, rather than to begin talking about her own joy? What a great relationship example here. Another thing Elizabeth does is she finds joy in what is going to happen in the future. This is a better Christmas joy than the joy focused on what has come before. And it's joy rooted in God's unfolding plan to expand his kingdom. That's real joy. A better Christmas joy. The best Christmas joy. Finally, I wonder if Elizabeth's last comment to Mary, You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said. I wonder if this is a bit of a dig at her husband Zechariah who did not initially believe the Lord would do as he said? Maybe he was in the same room or in proximity to overhear his wife's comment to Mary. Maybe just a bit of banter going on between the two of them. We don't know. The Magnificat: Mary's Song of Praise In this moment of shared joy with Elizabeth, Mary responds by praising God from the depth of her being. She gives voice to a better kind of Christmas joy than most of us experience on Christmas day. Here's what she said: …. Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.
 How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!
 For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,
 and from now on all generations will call me blessed.
 For the Mighty One is holy,
 and he has done great things for me.
 He shows mercy from generation to generation
  to all who fear him.
 His mighty arm has done tremendous things!
  He has scattered the proud and haughty ones.
 He has brought down princes from their thrones
  and exalted the humble.
 God has filled the hungry with good things
 and sent the rich away with empty hands.
 He has helped his servant Israel
 and remembered to be merciful.
 For he made this promise to our ancestors,
 to Abraham and his children forever.” In her praise to God, she derives joy in thinking about all the great things he has done for her, but mostly joy in remembering all the great things God has done for humanity. He scatters the proud and elevates the humble. He meets the needs of the poor and sends the rich away empty-handed. Clearly, God plays a central part in the connection Mary has with her elderly relative Elizabeth. What about You? What part does God play in your relationship with people?  Does God play a part in a relationship with you? Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode A better kind of Christmas joy comes our way when we focus on the great things God has done for us personally, the people we know and love, and for all of mankind. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and act by nurturing the better kind of Christmas joy found in our relationship with Jesus, and with each other. You can do this, you know because You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week about another important relationship we see in the Christmas story. See you next week. Related episodes you may want to listen to 045: Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made 133: Relationships - The Back Story to the Christmas Story You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of donors to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

The Christmas story reminds us that a good man can bring much joy to the world when he quietly plays his part behind the scenes in furthering God's redemptive plan for all of humanity. That's what Joseph did, the earthly father of Jesus. And we can do the same. Listen in to learn how. Joseph - silent night personified One of the most intriguing characters in the Christmas story is Joseph, the husband of Mary and earthly father of Jesus. He plays such an important role in the biblical account of the birth of Jesus, yet we know so little about him. Joseph isn't mentioned at all in Mark's gospel. In the other gospel accounts he is briefly mentioned a few times in conjunction with Mary, as “Jesus' parents.” In John's gospel, Jesus is referred to on two occasions as “the son of Joseph.” I find Joseph intriguing because nowhere do we find him saying anything. He says nothing. Not one word. He's the Marcel Marceau of the New Testament. Yet Joseph doesn't have to say anything for us to learn qualities from him we can take on as our own to bring joy to others and ourselves this Christmas season. Listen in to learn how. What Luke's Gospel tells us about Joseph In Luke's gospel, which has the most detailed description of the birth of Jesus, Joseph is mentioned 5 times. We learn from Luke that Joesph, a descendant of King David, is engaged to be married to Mary, and at the time is living in the village of Nazareth in Galilee. Luke tells us Joseph was present at the birth of Jesus in Bethlehem when the shepherds arrived to worship the Christ child. Later, Joseph and Mary presented Jesus together in the temple as the religious law required. This is all that is mentioned about Joseph in Luke's gospel. Joseph In the Gospel of Matthew We learn the most about Joseph in Matthew's gospel, where he is referenced 10 different times. We learn that Joseph's father is a man by the name of Jacob, which of course makes him the paternal grandfather of Jesus. I wonder who the maternal grandfather is, Mary's father. Can you picture Jesus with his grandfather? It's a bit of a stretch for me. Here's how Matthew begins the story of Christ's birth. He writes: This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly. Joseph's character I'm struck by Luke's description of Joseph as simply, he was a “good man.” Not a great man. Not a wonderful man, nor an awesome man. Just a “good man.” There is power in the simplicity of that one-word adjective, the only adjective used to describe Joseph - good. It carries a lot of weight, especially in today's culture where we give out superlatives like water from a fire hydrant. When we're at a restaurant and the waitress asks what we want to drink and we tell her a glass of water is all we want and she replies, “Awesome. I'll go get that and come back to take your order.” This is not awesome. If this is really awesome, what word do we use to describe the Grand Canyon, childbirth, or God himself? These are what are truly awesome. “Good” is a really good word. Don't you admire a “good” man? I do. I would love to be known as a good man. My son is a good man; so is our daughter's husband. He's a good man. My grandsons are on their way to being known as good men. Good is good enough. I hope you take note of the good men in your life. Appreciate them. And if you're a man, be a good one. Be a good man. What a good man does Joseph shows us that part of being a good man is being kind to those who hurt you. Imagine for a minute you're Joseph and your fiancé tells you she's pregnant and you know you're not the father. How would you feel? Mary must have explained to him what the angel Gabriel told her, but from the text we can see that Joseph didn't believe her at first. He was ready to break off the engagement. I can just imagine him feeling betrayed and thinking: “Here I've been pure in my relationship with Mary, but she goes off and gets pregnant by another guy, and then expects me to believe this wild and crazy story that the baby is from the Holy Spirit. And then she says he is going to be the Messiah our people have been waiting centuries for? What are people going to think when this gets out? Mary has gone off the deep end with this explanation.” In the midst of feeling like this, Joseph, being the good man that he is, doesn't want to humiliate Mary with a public end to their engagement, so he decides to end it quietly. He doesn't want the problem to be any worse than it already is. He does what good men do, he doesn't let the betrayal he feels come out as anger at Mary. He plans to do what's best for her, even though he's got to feel torn up inside. The gospel writer Matthew continues the story like this As he [Joseph] considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. When Joseph woke up, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded and took Mary as his wife. But he did not have sexual relations with her until her son was born. And Joseph named him Jesus. Matthew 1:18-25 A Good man listens to God I love this part of the Christmas story because it shows another aspect of being a “good man.” Joseph was willing to change his mind. He was willing to be open to something different than his initial, but understandable, knee-jerk reaction. It so reminds me of the profound but simple advice my first boss out of college gave me and all the new teachers at the school where I taught: never fall in love with your own idea. Joseph didn't fall in love with his own idea of breaking off the engagement with Mary. Instead, he listened to God who used an angel to speak to him in a dream that what Mary told him about her pregnancy is completely true. It's like the angel is saying, “You can believe her, Joseph, she is the woman you always thought she was, in fact, she's better than what you thought she was by virtue of the assignment God is giving her, and you, too, Joseph. You are definitely marrying up.” There is a cost to believe and trust There is a cost to Joseph in choosing to believe God and trust Mary. Other people they know in Nazareth aren't going to believe the supernatural when it runs counter to the natural. That's how many people are. So Joseph is opening himself up to criticism in taking Mary as his wife. But a good man, as Joseph is, doesn't let Mary be the sole target of criticism. He joins her in believing God together, regardless of what his parents, her parents, all the relatives, and all the people in town think. They are in this together. This is what good men do. They protect their wives as best they can. They don't let them go through difficulties alone. How about you? If you're a man, to what extent are you protecting the women in your life? A good man handles his emotions well And another thing I love about this good man, Joseph, is how he handles his emotions. A lot of men have problems dealing with their emotions, but not Joseph from what we see in Matthews's account. The angel tells him not to be afraid to take Mary as his wife because everything she's told you about her pregnancy is true. You can believe her. He pushed through his fear by believing God and trusting Mary, even though all outward indications were pointing in the opposite direction. Later we see Joseph acting in spite of his fear when he and his little family are hiding from Herod in Egypt after Jesus is born. A good man pushes through his fears Herod eventually dies and an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and told him it's safe to return to Israel. So Joseph gets up and takes Mary and Jesus back to Israel. He learns though, that Herod's son has succeeded his father, and Joseph becomes fearful. But then he is warned in a dream and returns to Nazareth with Mary and Jesus anyway. Joseph followed directions from God in spite of his fears. That's what a good man does. He trusts God more than his emotions. I think about the knee-jerk responses I sometimes have to events in my life, and how often they are proven not to be helpful. As much as possible, it is so much better to take our time in responding to our emotions, as Joseph did. I wonder about you. How relationally skilled are you in letting your emotions sit for a while before responding? In Summary Except for King Herod and his son Archelaus, Christmas is in part a story of good men doing their best to follow God. Zechariah, wise men from the East, shepherds tending their flocks, Simeon, and of course, Joseph. Good men who listen and obey God. Who protect the weak and vulnerable. Good men who function largely in the background to support the unfolding of God's redeeming story He brings into the world through … one woman. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode A good man is hard to find. But Christmas reminds us that good men like Joseph are out there, often in the background, not saying much. Their character and behavior tell us more than their words. Look for them. Be like them. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect, as Joseph did, and then act by obeying what God wants from you. In doing so, you will find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week, with one more relationship story before Christmas. Until then, goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy 004: The Gift of Even Though You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills. You can support what we do with a secure, tax-deductible donation when you click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

The best way to have a Merry Christmas this year is to make it a Mary Christmas. Do what Mary, the mother of Jesus did. Observe, reflect, and ponder the joy of God saving us from ourselves. Listen in to learn how. In the midst of all the busyness and activity of the holiday season, I've been thinking about how we can all enjoy Christmas a little better this year. For me, I find it restful to think back to that very first Christmas over 2,000 years ago. The first Christmas Most of you know the story pretty well from the Bible. Joseph and Mary are in Bethlehem to be counted for a census. Mary is about to give birth, but there's no lodging available. The town is packed with visitors. Tradition has it that Jesus was born in a stable because Luke's gospel makes reference to Jesus lying in a manager. What's more likely though, is that he was born in one of the many shallow caves all around Bethlehem. I was there in the ‘80s on a Holy Land tour and saw several. Plenty of room for the manger, but the shepherds who visited probably gathered around the entrance to the small cave. All of this is the backdrop to the climax of the story, where in Luke 2:19, we find this most soothing and reflective description of Mary, …But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. I'm convinced that if we viewed our Christmas as Mary viewed hers, our hearts would be as calm as hers. Instead of a M-e-r-r-y Christmas, we can have a M-a-r-y Christmas. Mary observes To make it a Mary Christmas we start by observing, as Mary did. I can picture her taking note of the humble housing her baby, the son of God, is been born into. So in keeping with Mary's own humble origins. Being a first-time mother, I imagine she observed a sense of inadequacy within herself. On the one hand, “how am I going to do this? I've never been a mother before?” And on the other hand, “I know I can count on God to show me how to do this. After all, this story is not about me; it's about him.” As any mother would, Mary watches her baby, and those relating to him. There's her husband Joseph. This good man who led her on the 95-mile journey on foot from Nazareth to Bethlehem. Then there were the shepherds who came in from the fields excited to see what the angels told them would be lying in a manger. The word “but” in “… but Mary”, indicates a contrast between her and the shepherds. How different they are from her. She's a city girl, while they are people of the land. They live outside, she lives inside. A Mary Christmas includes everyone The shepherds were strangers to Mary. They left their sheep in the fields to go see what the angel described to them that they would find in the manger The shepherds were more the extroverted types, telling people in Bethlehem what the angels told them and what they saw, both from the “great company of angels” and what they saw in the manger. Mary gives a more measured and introverted response in her “treasuring up” and “pondering” about the birth of Jesus. How wonderful of God to use people so different from each other to further his purposes. Extroverts and introverts, and all people in-between, have a place at the table when it comes to praising God for sending his son Jesus to save us all. I wonder about you? What are you observing concerning Christmas this year? Is there anything new that God might want you to notice? Anything external in the world around you? Anything internal within your mind and heart. Mary reflects Having made observations around her and within her, Mary reflects. As Luke puts it, she … treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.. What are “all these things” that she treasured and pondered? For starters, I imagine Mary treasured the time when the angel came to tell her she was going to give birth to Jesus, and all the implications of this miracle. And now what Gabriel told her has now come to pass. Another thing I suspect she treasured was going to see her Aunt Elizabeth and what Mary shared with her at the beginning of her pregnancy and the end of Elizabeth's. The three months they spent together were priceless. And then, how could she not reflect on the joy she feels having just given birth to Jesus? And the joy of being used by God to channel this great blessing into the whole world. I bet she also treasured and pondered all the possibilities of what's going to happen next, not just for her personally, but for the rest of humanity. How about you? What does your Christmas cause you to reflect upon? Looking back in God's involvement in your life, what can you treasure and think about? What could be the possible opportunities in your near and distant future you can treasure? Mary acted Finally, notice the action words in Luke's description, two verb phrases in …But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. “Treasure up” and “ponder in one's heart.” What action could God be calling you to engage in, as Mary did? What would you do well to "treasure up?” Are there things you could ponder in your heart? To take action like this might mean finding a quiet place and just sitting and thinking about the important things of life. To an outside observer it may appear you're doing nothing. Just sitting there staring off into space. But in actuality it could be the most important action you take all day. The best Christmas gift Like Mary, we can act by reflecting not only about what we love and appreciate about God, but also about what God thinks of us. I love this quote by Andrew Farley I came across recently, “If there was one Christmas gift I could give all of us is, it would be the gift of knowing Jesus delights in you.” I don't think we do enough of this, pondering what God thinks about us. Imagine a God who loves us so much he sent his son away for 33 years to pay the penalty for something we did. 33 years of voluntary separation because of his love for all of us. This is something we would do well to think about often and reflect upon in our hearts as Mary did. It would be good preparation for heaven, where we have no to-do lists. Nothing to accomplish, nothing to get done so we can move on to the next thing. Where we are never bored. Where our time will be taken up with marveling at all the wonders of God in its many manifestations. Taking action like this will give us a glimpse of heaven every now and then and give us something to look forward to. And it will certainly help to make it a Mary Christmas this year. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode To have a merry Christmas this year, make it a Mary Christmas. Do what she did. Observe what's happening in and around you. Reflect upon the meaning of what you see. And then act by pondering the joy of God entering into our world to save us from ourselves. This will guarantee you a Merry/Mary Christmas for sure. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Just send them to me in an email to john [at] caringforothers [dot] org. Or you can share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to observe, reflect, and act. It's one important way you can find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. One thing you could do to help us out is to leave a review and rating wherever you listen to this podcast. It helps others to find us on the Internet Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. But for now, Mary Christmas to all of you. Related episodes you may want to listen to 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1 135: Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy 131: Thankful to Be the Person God Created Us to Be You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills. You can support what we do with a secure, tax-deductible donation when you click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Our fallen world makes it hard at times to see the real Christmas joy God gives us through his son Jesus. But if we're open to finding it in unusual places it will show up sometimes in surprising ways. In the Christmas story found in Luke's gospel, we read where an angel of the Lord, along with “the glories of the Lord,” appear to shepherds on the outskirts of Bethlehem. It scares them to death. But then the angel tells them not to be afraid because “I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people.” Why joy is sometimes hard to find Why then does joy seem so hard to find sometimes, even at Christmas and the days that follow? In his book Christmas Joy, Mel Lawrenz writes, Real joy never originates from within; it must come from without. Perhaps this is why so many of us have a difficult time finding joy at Christmas. Bite into a Christmas cookie and you might enjoy it. Open a shiny package and you might delight in what you find inside. But joy itself - true and pure - is so much more than enjoyment. Joy is the startling realization that God has claimed territory in this world. He has taken back what belongs to him. Every day we can remind ourselves of this revelation - reignite this joy again and again. Joy is a thirst that doesn't want to be quenched; a hunger that knows it will go on and on. It's a good thing to never get enough of God. He concludes with this prayer, Dear God, turn my fear into great joy. A few years ago I talked in this podcast about an example of real Christmas joy coming from outside of ourselves, as Lawrenz puts it. It's episode 006, “The Gift of Joy - Part 2.” I'll have a link to it in the show notes. You can access it by going to johncertalic.com/006. Summary of episode 006, The Gift of Joy - Part 2. To summarize that episode, I talked about Melancholy Christmas carols Joy being more like a cat than it is a dog How joy often comes as a surprise The beauty found in several types of relationships brings joy Creating a welcoming place in our heart for joy to find us For today, I want to comment further on the YouTube video I mentioned in that episode. It is of a flash mob in a food court from a shopping mall in Ontario, Canada. I'll also have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes, so you can watch it for yourself later. It's really an uplifting piece and is only about 4 and ½ minutes long. There is so much Christmas joy in that video that comes from outside of ourselves. In measured sequence, a group of people begin to stand up, and one by one start singing the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel's Messiah. It's a very moving piece and the local media outlet thought so too, as they ran filmed it and ran it on a local TV station that night. We learn later that the stunningly beautiful voices were from members of a church choir in the area. Reactions to real Christmas joy Here are a few quotes from people who watched on TV a replay of the live event “I'm not a religious person, but I found this video to be beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes, well done!” “You can clearly see people crying… This is the most intense video I have ever seen on YouTube” “I was deeply touched by this great performance.” “Just watching the video nearly moves me to tears.” “Every time I watch this I get the holy goosebumps and tears in my eyes. So powerful! THANK YOU!! and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!” “I haven't been to Mass in years, and I'm bawling my eyes out right now.” “I watch this recording over and over again, because of its overwhelming impact. The happiness on the faces of those people performing, but also to those listening!” “Though I am an atheist, yet I find myself coming back to this video over and over again. I love beautiful music and even more, I love seeing people enjoy it. I think this is wonderful!!” Words of joy The sacrifice this church choir made on a Saturday to entertain and bless strangers in a shopping mall is a thing of beauty. They brought real Christmas joy to unsuspecting shoppers, and in return experienced it for themselves. The joy on the faces of the singers was palpable. You can tell from their expression the choir actually believed what they were singing. Their voices connected with their hearts, and with the hearts of the people watching The words they sang are quite simple: There's the phrase repeated in Latin, translated as “The kingdom of this world is become the kingdom of our Lord, and his Christ” And He shall reign forever and ever King of kings forever, Hallelujah Lord of hosts Lord of lords, Hallelujah Handel is masterful in using just a few words from the last book in the Bible to create joy. He weaves lyrics together with beautiful melodies, bringing hope that there is a future for all of us outside of ourselves. That the difficulties of this life will vanish one day, and that because of the king of kings and Lord of lords, You and I can begin living as God originally intended for all mankind. Forever and ever. That is real Christmas joy to end the year. And we found it in a food court in a shopping mall in Ontario Canada, of all places. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode Our fallen world makes it hard at times to see the real Christmas joy God gives us through his son Jesus. But if we're open to finding it in unusual places it will show up sometimes in surprising ways. It may even come when we're scared, as it did for the Shepherds in the Christmas story. Or in a food court at a shopping mall I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's show. Closing In closing, this episode concludes season six of You Were Made for This. Season Seven starts next week. To end the year with real Christmas joy I encourage you again to click on the two links at the end of the show notes to get the full flavor of what I've been talking about. Both the food court flash mob on YouTube, and then episode 006, “The Gift of Joy - Part 2” Thanks so much for listening in. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act and to be on the watch for real Christmas joy throughout the year. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. See you next year, next season, next week, next Wednesday, January 5th, 2022 Happy New Year, one and all! More to Listen to Christmas Food Court Flash Mob 2010 Episode 006, “The Gift of Joy - part 2” Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

Do yourself a favor and listen to this podcast to get the most out of the relationships God places in your path. You'll be inspired to see the joy in them in new and refreshing ways. When I started this podcast in late 2018 there were about 500,000 podcasts. Today there are over 2 million. It raises the question, with all of these podcasts available to listeners like you, why listen to THIS one? Back in 2018 I answered this question in the very first episode, number 001“Six Reasons to Listen to You Were Made for This.” But now, 138 episodes and six seasons later, it's time to revisit this question. What's in it for you, the listener, to listen to THIS podcast, when you have so many other choices of how to spend your time? Our basic premise The basic premise of this podcast hasn't changed, but during the past three years, I've seen more than ever the importance of relationships in our daily lives. They can bring us great joy. Or they can bring us great heartache - and everything in-between. Relationships are like molecules of oxygen, because relationships are everywhere, even when we're not thinking about them. We can't escape them if we're living human beings. We have relationships with people, obviously. But we also have a relationship, with organizations, with our circumstances, with time and places, with God, and even a relationship with our self. Listen to this podcast to help make these relationships the best they can be. The very first relationship ever Relationships started with God, and the three persons of the trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This was the very first relationship. Since we are made in the image of God, good relationships reflect His character. To experience the life-giving relationships God intends for us, this podcast draws from what God says in the Bible about all manner of relationships. This podcast targets people of faith because what God says about relationships is foundational to living the most fulfilling life possible. If you're not a person of faith, that's fine. Our goal is not to turn you into one. Godly principles of relationships work for both the believer and non-believer. When you listen to this podcast you'll learn how to apply biblical principles to your relationships. For example, Episode 51, “More Than the Music” is about the relationship principles the Apostle Paul explains in Romans 12. It's about how we are to relate to God, to others, and to ourselves. He explains how our relationships are a form of worship. I'll have a link to this episode, and others I mention today, at the bottom of the show notes for you to check out later. It and the others will give you a taste of what You Were Made for This is all about. We help you to make your relationships the best they can be You may have come across this idea several times before, “we were made for relationships.” Yet how many of us were taught how to actually do what we were made for? For many of us when it comes to relationships, we don't know what we don't know about them. But if you listen to this podcast you'll learn. For most relationship skills are learned. So we talk a bunch about developing relationship skills. Most of us already have some relational skills, we just need to get better at it. And as with any skill; it takes practice. When you listen to this podcast, we show you what to practice and how to practice. For example, episodes 011 - 014 are about the four levels of relationship skills, with examples of how you can move from level 1 up to level 4. And there's one of our favorite topics and recurring themes. Listening. It comes up in many episodes because it's such an important factor in nurturing life-giving relationships. Episode 112, “Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021,” is just one example devoted to all this important relational topic Our podcast format The format we follow in this podcast is all about what is best for you. We respect your time, and except for the occasional interview, most episodes are 10-15 minutes long. When you listen to this podcast you won't find any time fillers, nervous giggling, or inside jokes you find in some podcasts. We stress the practical in each episode. Number 095 is an example, “What to Do When People Irritate Us.” Another thing to note about our podcast is that we love relationship stories. We use lots of them to show how to have good relationships. We do very little telling. Lots of showing what good relationships look like. Lots of stories that illustrate the relational intelligence we're working to develop in each of us. Many of these stories come from the Bible. And many of them come from my own experience. Like the time I unknowingly frightened a 20-something tattooed, pink-haired woman in tattered blue jeans, with a ring in her nose and another in her navel. I shared in an episode an important relationship lesson I learned from that encounter. Easily searchable content Our website, johncertalic.com makes it easy to find relationship topics that interest you. Each episode is found in one of six searchable categories: Relationship Principles Relational Skills Finding Joy in Relationships God in Our Relationships Family Relationships Becoming a Better Listener You can also search by tags or keywords. For example, searching on the word “humility” brings up 4 podcast episodes, 1 blog post, and 1 reference to my book, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. “Bakery” brings up nothing. Nothing about bakery; sorry. If you prefer to read rather than listen, each episode has show notes you can read, though I highly recommend listening because I sometimes will spontaneously add things not in the notes. Another thing about our format is that we offer practical relationship tools you most likely will not have heard about elsewhere. For example, I have an episode about the myth of “it never hurts to ask.” Then there's how to prevent relational conflicts before they happen. One of my favorite topics is about the only two questions you ever need to remember to get into a satisfying conversation with someone. Each episode is about one specific relational concept or skill. Each one is a lot about one thing, not a lot about many things. Every one suggests an actionable response you can take to improve your relationships. It's not about theory. It's about practical tools and actions you can take. Today. Now. Conclusion Finally, a major reason to listen to this podcast is to discover the joy found in relationships. Besides the topic of listening, discovering the joy of relationships is a thread found throughout many episodes. We come back to this topic again and again. Episode 041, “Thankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life” is one example. The main point of today's episode When you listen to this podcast it will enrich your life by showing you how to experience the joy God intends for you in your relationships. You'll experience the joy of relationships as you grow in blessing others, which in turn, will bless you. Closing I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act, by making it a point to listen to this podcast on a regular basis so you can move the needle forward in making your relationships the best they can be. You can do this, you really can, because You Were Made for This. In the days ahead, we have a lot coming up that will make this wonderful quote from Walt Whitman a warm reality for you: We were together, I forgot the rest. Let that sink in for a moment. We were together, I forgot the rest. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Episodes mentioned above 051 More Than the Music 011 Relationship Skills - Level 1 112 Three Ways to Listen Well in 2021 095 What to Do When People Irritate Us 041 Thankful for the Cheerleaders in My Life Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. We'd be so grateful if you did.

A thank you note benefits both the recipient and the writer. It reminds the writer of blessings received, and it motivates the recipient to bless others again. A written thank you note is a great way to deepen your relationship with someone. Last year's “Make it a Relational New Years Resolution” I first mentioned this a year ago in episode 087, “Make it a Relational New Years Resolution.” It was about resolving to do something kind, caring, or thoughtful for people during the course of the year to the extent you would receive a thank you note for what you did. I'll have a link to this episode at the bottom of the show notes. I was ready to move on today with another relational resolution for this year to talk to you about. But before doing that, I thought we should look back at the results of last year's relational resolution. Before the future, consider the past and present. I was surprised by what I learned when I did this for myself. I'll share what I discovered because it can help you in considering a way to add depth to your relationships here in the New Year. Why a written thank you note? By way of review, to receive a written “thank you” note, you had to do something pretty meaningful for someone to make the effort to show their appreciation in this way. For our purposes, it had to be in writing. Electronic communication didn't count, nor did verbal expressions of gratitude. In the age we live in, where electronic communication is the norm, for someone to use older technology like writing a note, requires a lot more of that person. After I received a thank you note or card last year, I read and dated them, and then placed them in a folder. Observations about the 2021 “thank you” cards I received From a scrap of paper to a linen parchment card, no two were the same. I've gotten identical birthday cards and Christmas cards, but no duplicate thank you notes. I received 5 thank you notes that mentioned appreciation for this podcast. I doubt if any of you have a podcast, but I'm sure a lot of you are doing things you enjoy that benefit other people. Several couples, and two single people we invited for dinner at our house, sent us written thank you notes. Thank you notes for birthdays and high school graduation gifts were the next most common. Two missionary couples who stayed with us a week to 10 days or so thanked us in writing. A friend of ours was sick with Covid, so Janet picked up groceries for her family and I delivered them. We received thank you notes from three teenage boys, all for high school graduation gifts. And they were most tender expressions of gratitude. Their parents raised them well! One person, a donor to our Caring for Others ministry, wrote at least 3 thank you notes over the course of last year. Here he was sending donations to us, and at the same time thanking us for our ministry in quite specific terms about what he was grateful for in what we do. A sampling of thank you notes received I feel a little uncomfortable reading these because they paint Janet and me in a good light, which you would think would happen in a thank you note. A more well-rounded picture would come from complaints people have about us. But my only purpose in sharing them is to give you ideas of what you can do to impact the lives of people, to make a positive difference, to the point they will go to the trouble of thanking you in writing. A secondary purpose is to give you ideas of HOW to thank people, as you listen to how people thanked Janet and me last year for one thing or another. Here's the first one. Just a quick note to say “Thanks” for your friendship over the years! Knowing you guys and being able to LEAN on you at times gives us confidence in His Grace!… Mostly I just wanted to make sure we get something in your 2021 pile of thank you notes.”  ~ L. & J. O.K., so this is clergy appreciation month! Although I consider you a friend you are also my clergy phone friend, and I appreciate your Biblical teaching and related challenges. ORA at work! ~ October V.A. Do you remember ORA? Observe. Reflect. Act. ORA. You have earned a thank you note! Thank you for teaching your listeners about how to care for others. It is so encouraging to listen to you each week. I especially like the one-take-home point for the week. I look forward to actionable items to care for others. ~ D.P. Gratitude expressed for the unexpected We are so grateful for how you are reaching people around the world with your podcast and are happy to help it grow! We are also so grateful that you have been willing to connect with our son (18-year-old high school senior) during this challenging time of a teenage boy's life. He comes home smiling and seems more content. Thank you.   ~ K.P. On the back of envelope: I forgot to tell you. This note is from my Grandma's collection! She always wrote thank you notes! Here's a note from a businessperson to me, as her customer. The following is from the designer of our new website from last September: John, thank you for trusting me to redo your website. It was such a fun project…I love being able to support others doing important work for Christ. Thank you for your loyalty over the years and I am so glad you stumbled upon my ….training video a few years ago. :)    ~ L.D. Thanks so much for making my birthday special. The cake was delicious and I was touched by your thoughtfulness. I love my tomato knife and can't wait to try it. Thanks again.   ~ D. B. Dear John and Janet, Thank you so much for including us in your family lunch last week. You are so kind and generous. Blessings to you two!   ~ J. & K. Dear John and Janet Thanks for the beautiful card and generous gift of money we really appreciate it. We will use it for gas to ride down there. Thanking God for both of you.     ~B.R.and S.R. Dear Grandma and Grandpa, Thank you so much for coming down to my graduation and for your generous gift. I really appreciate all the ways you've supported me and spent time with me throughout my life, like all the times I've stayed at your house and the trips to the library with Grandpa, and the cookies Grandma and I have baked. Thank you always for being there for me. Maybe sometime you can come visit me at the University of South Carolina and we can get some cheese curds and get into an argument about who I should vote for. I hope your trip back went well - see you on Zoom! Love, Nathan So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to add more depth to the relationships in YOUR life? Start by remembering that a written thank you note is simply a marker of the positive impact you had in someone's life. That's the point of this relational resolution, not the thank you note itself. Writing a thank you note gets our eyes off ourselves to focus on a blessing we received. One important thing to remember is not to expect people to thank you for the good you do for them. Often they won't. But you do good things for people anyway, because it's the right thing to do. It's not about you; it's about them. Doing good for others is living out Romans 12, and reflecting the character of God. With Jesus living in us, we are equipped and empowered to be the person God created us to be. We truly were made for this. We are made in His image and Jesus was often doing good things for people, with no expectation that he would be thanked for it. In fact, I'll have to look into this later, but I don't recall any stories in the Bible where people thanked Jesus for blessing them. If any of you can think of an example, please let me know. If writing a handwritten thank you note is a challenge for you, ask God for help. Ask him for help in remembering the blessings you received, and who were the people God used to bless you. Ask him for help in what to say and how to say it. When we ask God for help like this it won't be hard, If you have young children, and where appropriate, post the notes on your refrigerator or where they can see them. Share them with your kids as they come in. When you write one, and before you mail it, tell your kids what you are doing and why you are doing it. Then read it to them. Have them put the note in the envelope, seal it, and place the stamp on the envelope. Teach them by example. For me, our kids are grown and have kids of their own. But when I die I want them to display a board at my funeral with all the thank you notes I received. Skip the pics of summer picnics and faded Christmas gatherings when I was in my 20s and had hair on my head. Display the thank you notes. Maybe that will encourage someone. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode A thank you note benefits both the writer and recipient. It reminds the writer of blessings received and motivates the recipient to continue reflecting the character of God by blessing others. These are two great benefits of a handwritten thank you note. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode, and any thank you notes you received. Closing I closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act by doing good for people to the extent they thank you in writing for it. Ephesians 2:10 tells us we were made for this. It reads “For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week when I will suggest another relational resolution for this current year. I can't wait to share it with you! Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 087: Make it a Relational New Years Resolution 088: Get Them to say “Thank You for Asking” Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

You will brighten someone's day when you initiate with them, letting them know you're thinking about them, and wondering how they are doing. Simple acts like this go a long way to deepening a relationship. Listen in. Help Needed Before we get into today's show I could use your help with something. I've been asked to give a Zoom presentation at the end of February to the Legacy Coalition, a Christian Grandparenting organization. It's not finalized yet, but I think I'm going to give a talk on memories that Grandparents can create for their grandchildren. As part of this, I would so like to share any memories you are willing to share of memories your grandparents created for you. They can be from when you were a child, or as an adult. It would be interesting and encouraging to hear any stories like this from you. It might even turn into a future podcast episode. Please send it to me in an email to john [at]caringforothers [dot]org. On to today's program. A relational word to focus on for 2022 Have you ever had one of those gray, dull days where things going on in your life match the dreary overcast weather of the middle of winter? But then suddenly out of nowhere, something happens to lift your spirits? Today's episode is about something simple we can do to brighten someone's day, which in turn will brighten our own. Because of several unrelated texts and emails, I stumbled upon one simple way to brighten another person's day. Here it is: initiate with someone. Yes, initiate. I know some of you like coming up with a word or goal to focus on for the new year. If that's the case with you, “initiate” would be a good choice. Initiate by taking the first step in connecting with someone. Here's the first example I stumbled upon Back in December of last year, there was a horrific display of evil in our community. It even made the national news here in the US. During an annual Christmas parade through the quaint downtown of Waukesha, Wisconsin, a man drove his SUV right down the middle of the parade. Starting from the rear, he plowed through marching bands, other parade participants, and spectators. Six people were killed, including an 8-year old boy. Over 60 others were injured and hospitalized. It was horrible. This happened on a Sunday. The next day the school was canceled in Waukesha. One of the donors to the sponsor of this podcast, Caring for Others, has a high school senior in that school system. I happen to know this young man through his parents and I wondered if he was affected by this trauma. A text to initiate contact So without giving it a second thought I texted him with this: ME: I am thinking about you today, given the Christmas parade tragedy of yesterday. I heard school is canceled today. I'm wondering how you're doing with all that happened. Did you know anyone who was hurt? HIM: I'm doing okay, thank you for thinking of me. I wasn't at the parade but I know people who saw it happen and everyone's a little stressed about it. I know one person who got hit by the SUV but no serious injuries on his part. ME: I'm glad to hear you're okay. It's certainly a terrible tragedy, certainly for those injured or worse, and for those like your friends who saw it happen. HIM: Yeah, thank you for checking on me though it means a lot. I was a little surprised at first that my simple spur-of-the-moment text meant a lot to him. But as I re-read his reply to my text it struck me how he appreciated the fact I was thinking of him in the context of this terrible event. Thinking about what he might be dealing with prompted me to initiate with him through a simple text. Who of us wouldn't feel good knowing someone else was thinking about us in the midst of a difficult situation. A second example of initiating to brighten someone's day Last Thanksgiving our daughter living in South Carolina was in a particularly grateful mood and sent me a text that read I am thankful for you and all your support this year. Thanks for checking in on me so many times this fall. It really meant a lot to me to know you were thinking about me. There it is again, this theme of initiating with a person that starts with simply thinking about the person and checking in on them. Thanksgiving without your wife Around the same time I got the text from my daughter I was thinking about my missionary friend, Martin. I talked about him in episodes 071 and 072 concerning the sudden death of his wife. I was thinking about him last November because it was going to be his second Thanksgiving without her. So I called to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. My call went to voice mail, but within a few hours he responded to me in a text: Hi John, thank you for reaching out and thinking of us. Serena's godmother from Germany is visiting and celebrating Thanksgiving with us. That's a blessing. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving as well!! A voice from the past initiated with Janet and me Here's the last example of how to brighten someone's day. On November 10th of last year, Janet and I were traveling and in the evening I checked our voicemail at home. To my astonishment, there was a message from Margaret, a friend from over 50 years ago we had lost contact with. She remembered our daughter's birthday was coming up the next day, November 11th - Veteran's Day, and that prompted her to track us down after all these years have passed. Her remembering our daughter's birthday, made her think of us, and that prompted her to contact Janet and me. Her initiating with us like this certainly brightened our day and has led to several follow-up phone calls between the three of us. Sadly it's been just the three of us talking because her wonderful husband died two years ago. I won't go any further now to describe this remarkable re-connection. It deserves a podcast episode of its own at a later date. So what does all this mean for YOU? The more I think of these examples I've shared, and others I haven't, they remind me of how Jesus initiates with us. His incarnation at Christmas was him coming to be with us, so one day we can go to be with him. They remind me of the story of Jesus initiating with the woman at the well. He went out of his way to be with her, even though she was so very different from him. She was a woman, he's a man. Jesus' followers at the time looked down upon her.. Yet Jesus initiated with her anyway, which in a very powerful way, brightened her day. Read the story in John 4; it's all there. Given that we are all created in the image of God, when we initiate well with people, without any motive for personal gain, we reflect the character of God. And in doing so, we will find fulfillment in being the person God created us to be. I wonder who are the people in your life you could bless by initiating with them? Maybe even someone from your distant past. I know if you were to ask God who these people are He would show you. Here's the main point I hope you remember from today's episode To brighten someone's day, check-in with them to let them know you are thinking about them and wondering how they are doing. For when you brighten someone's day, you'll brighten your own. It's what we're all made for. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. You can leave them in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think about the people you could initiate with, and then act on that thought. It would be one way to find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 071: How to Help a Grieving Friend 072: What I Learned From a Grieving Friend Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.  

Real joy is seeing Jesus, from the abundance of his grace, release one gracious blessing after another to each of us. We don't work for any of it because it's all grace. Listen in to learn how it can happen to you. Have you ever noticed how God is gracious with you, sometimes in an unexpected way? Today's episode is about a recent blessing I witnessed that I think will encourage you. It's a blessing with several layers to it. So keep listening; you're going to like this one. Computer problems A few months ago I realized I needed to replace my aging laptop computer, not so much because of the age itself, but because of problems with the keyboard. The “a” key was the first to go. I couldn't read it and many times had to press it several times before it would register on the screen. A computer technician recommended replacing the keyboard because he said the other keys will eventually do the same thing. Without boring you with the details, he said I'd be without my laptop for 10 days to 2 weeks to make the repair. I opted instead to replace just the “a” key, and there was no downtime at all. But now the “a” key is doing it again, along with the “e, d, and c” keys which are no longer legible. Plus the cursor seems to have a mind of its own when I'm editing. Rather than paying to repair this older computer, and the downtown that comes with it, it's time to replace it. So I sent a letter to people on the mailing list for our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others. It's the organization that sponsors this podcast. People on the list had donated to our ministry in the past, and I asked them to pray that funding would come in to replace my computer. A blessing from an unlikely source Very generous people believe in what we are doing and the checks started coming in. One in particular stands out that came with a Christmas card at the end of December from a missionary by the name of Ann. Janet and I are always encouraged whenever another missionary supports the work we do out of their limited resources. Listen to what Ann wrote to us: Dear John and Janet, I hope this finds you well! Thank you for your recent letter! I understand needing a new computer. Mine was 10 years old and just replaced it over Thanksgiving break. God blessed with the provision for it! So, I in turn, would like to bless you with a gift towards your replacement. Thank you so much for all you do and may our Lord bless you. Have a blessed Christmas, Ann Her note and sizable check, I might add, humbled me. Her aging computer was older than mine. Yet she wanted to share out her limited missionary resources with us. She truly did bless us. Blessings pointing back to Jesus Her note and check brought me back to what the Apostle John said about Jesus in his gospel, chapter 1, verse 16: “From the abundance of the fullness of his grace, we have received one gracious blessing after another.” So how did Ann bless us? Certainly, on the surface it was her generous check to help pay for a new computer that blessed us. A deeper blessing But I see a deeper blessing in her note to us. Ann had the same need I had, maybe even a greater one, which helped her more easily understand my need. Her need made her more sensitive to mine. It's interesting how that works. She saw how God had blessed her with provisions of a new computer for herself, and that inspired her to be a channel of a gracious blessing to benefit Janet and me. A blessing that comes out of the abundance and fullness of God's grace. One blessing after another. In reading Ann's note, I sense a lot of joy. I can't help but smile thinking about the blessing she's feeling. Not only does God bless her with a new computer for herself, but he also uses her to bless us. It all comes from the abundance of the fullness of his grace. One gracious blessing after another. Like Ann, it's inspiring to be God's agent in blessing others. Where we reflect the character of Jesus in our relationships with people. Where we give people a taste of who Jesus is by simply passing on to others what we have received from him. There's a lot of joy in passing on one blessing after another. I also can't help but think of whoever bought that computer for Ann, whether it was one person, or several people, or a church body. They surely must have experienced joy in being a channel of blessing directed to Ann. The great thing about these blessings from Jesus is that there's nothing we can do to earn them. They only come from the abundance of the fullness of his grace. It's all grace. All the time. So what does all this mean for YOU? I suspect some of you may not be feeling particularly blessed right now. If that's the case, ask God for help. Ask him to remind you of the gracious blessing upon blessing you have already received. Maybe start with the blessing of having woken up this morning. Yeah, that would be a good place to start. And then ask God to take it from there. Ask him to help you make a list. For me, I was looking at my paperwork the other day and it tells me I'm getting old. Yet I have all my original factory-installed parts. The same knees, hips, and heart valves I was born with. They seem to be working fine after all these years. Nothing has been recalled. One gracious blessing after another that I enjoy from the abundance and fullness of the grace of Jesus. I find joy in this. You can too. Just ask for help in finding the joy. He'll show you. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode There is real joy in seeing Jesus release one gracious blessing after another as he loves on us. We don't have to work to receive these blessings because it's all grace. All the time. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. You can put them in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing I closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect and be inspired by seeing Jesus at work in your life and in the lives of others. When you do this you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationship with others and God. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's all for today. I look forward to connecting with you again next week. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to this Podcast? 141: One Simple Way to Brighten Someone's Day Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

You've heard this before, everyone has a story. When we take the time to initiate with people to hear their story it enriches our lives. And theirs, too. Today's episode is an example of initiating with someone and the benefits in doing so. Listen in. My first boss I met my wife in high school in 9th grade. We didn't talk to each other much until our junior year when she was co-editor of our school newspaper. Things took a big leap forward when she asked me to write a humor column for the Campus Courier. So when I started writing my column, “Off the Beaten Path,” Janet became my boss. My first boss. Carol's my boss too, but Janet's been my boss the longest. I get them both a Boss's Day card every October 16th. Janet's editorial skills and experience came into play the other day after she listened to episode 140, about thank you notes. She liked the examples I gave in that program from my own life of doing good for others to the extent people thank you for it. She said “If you're going to tell people what to do in their relationships you have to be doing the same thing yourself.” I couldn't agree with her more. I knew I had to do something related to episode 141 about the relational resolution I suggested for this year: initiate with people. Since I'm recommending this to others I need to do it myself. Practice what I'm preaching So I decided to initiate with one of our previous podcast guests, Josephine, a missionary serving in Eastern Europe. Her real name isn't Josephine, but for security reasons in her part of the world, I'm calling her that. And also because “Josephine” was the name of my grandmother who was born in Eastern Europe and emigrated to the US when she was 18. As you listen in to my Zoom conversation with Josephine, see what ideas you can pick up for having a similar conversation with someone that YOU initiate with. Our conversation begins at about the 3:10:00 mark with me reminding Josephine of the last time we talked. Listen in. [I'm sorry, there is no transcript available. Please listen to the podcast] At about 6:32 into the interview I want to stop her for a moment. What Josephine said about where she feels most comfortable often comes as a surprise to people here in the States who have limited exposure to missionaries. Another missionary once told me he feels like a fish out of water when he comes back to the US from Southeast Asia where he serves. We often assume missionaries can't wait to get to America because of all the creature comforts we enjoy here. It's often not like that, as Josephine points out. Back to our conversation at about 7:12 into the interview I've got to interject here for a moment. Isn't this a great example of the benefits of initiating with people? Expressing her gratitude to 3 older adults for the positive impact they had on her life. She intentionally wanted to spread a little joy in the lives of her former teachers. What a kind and caring gesture on Josephine's part. And notice that she said, “it was a huge gift for me, and for them, too.” That's the way it often is when we initiate with people. It does become a huge benefit to us.  Our conversation resumes near the 11:34 mark Asking someone how they came to be whatever they are doing now is one way to initiate with people. It's something you can start asking people you want to go deeper with in your relationship. More often than not people will have an interesting story to tell. And many times their story will have God's fingerprints all over their story. So give it a try, ask someone what led them to do what they're doing now. It will encourage the person you're talking to, and you could very well be encouraged yourself. I pick up with Josephine at about 16:34 What great answers to my questions about how she became a Christian, and then how she was led into missions serving in Eastern Europe. Don't you just love her honesty and seeing how God directed her? For me, I hear joy coming through in Josephine's answers. I'm going to save her answer to the last questions I asked about the people of Eastern Europe for next week's episode. The story she shares about her home assignment is quite interesting in its contrast to the values of the people she lives with overseas. It sure got me thinking, and it will do the same for you when you listen to part 2 next week. So what does all this mean for YOU? Do yourself a favor and initiate with people. Start with one person. It will get your mind off whatever you're dealing with as you hear people's stories and how God is leading them. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode When we initiate with people to learn their story and how God is leading them, it opens us to possibilities we may not have considered before. It opens us up to see the love of God in caring for people and meeting their needs. And when we do that it strengthens our faith, for what God does for others, he certainly can do for us. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. You can leave them in “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act by initiating with someone. You make the first contact and see what happens. And let me know how that goes for you. For when you initiate with people there's a good chance you will find the joy God intends for you through your relationships. You Were Made for This, you know. Well, that's all for today. I can't wait to share with you again next week when we will hear part 2 of Josephine's story. Take care, and spread a little joy this week. Related episodes you may want to listen to 083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community 139: Why should I listen to this podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Deeper relationships develop when we initiate with others. It can lead to great conversations that look like dancing the waltz on a ballroom floor. The other person leads and you follow. Then you lead and they follow. It's a thing of beauty. In both cases our lives are enriched. Listen in to learn how. Picking up where we left off in last week's episode In Last week's episode, no. 143, I wanted to demonstrate the relational New Year's resolution I suggested in episode 141. Namely, initiate with people. So I contacted a previous guest on this podcast, a missionary serving in Eastern Europe by the name of Josephine. It isn't her real name, but for security reasons in her part of the world, I'm calling her that. I initiated with her to give you some ideas of how you could do the same thing with people in your life. I found our conversation interesting and encouraging as I learned more of her story and how God has been leading her and caring for her. But we ran out of time last week, so I want to finish sharing our conversation with you today. If you missed the start of our chat from last week I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. In that episode, I interjected a few observations as we went along. Today, however, I share those observations at the end. So let's get into today, beginning with a question I asked about Josephine about the people she lives and works with in Eastern Europe. [I'm sorry, but there's no transcript of our conversation. To listen to the episode go to the top of the page and click on the gold play button in the white circle next to the episode title] The end wasn't the end Wasn't that interesting? [i.e., the guest interview] It sure was for me, especially near the end. There was a period of awkwardness for me where it seemed like I had run out of questions to ask Josephine. Thinking we were about finished, I asked her, “are there any last thoughts or things you have to say?” In other situations, people will often say something along the lines of, “No, I think we've covered everything.” But this is when the conversation changed and Josephine took over and said something along the lines of “In terms of relationships, I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately….” To my way of thinking it became the richest part of our time together where she talked about her feelings of saying goodbye to people, grieving relationships that end, and the challenge that brings. And even the opportunities it creates. Josephine had a lot to say about this topic. A listening waltz When our conversation took a turn more to the heartfelt it reminded me of an important listening principle, that good listening is like dancing a waltz. One person leads, the other person follows. In the beginning, I was leading, and Josephine followed. She followed well. But then she took over and started to lead by sharing her reflections about relationships, that were independent of anything I asked before. And I just followed her around the listening ballroom dance floor. Watching people waltz is a thing of beauty, and being part of a really good heartfelt conversation is a thing of beauty, too. You lead for awhile, your partner follows. Then they lead and you follow. What a privilege it is to both lead, AND follow someone else's line of thinking and feeling. It doesn't get any better than this. Good conversations leave you wanting more. My interaction with Josephine reminds me that when we initiate with others, a really good conversation will leave you wanting to know more. And the great thing is wanting to know more about the other person is how relationships deepen and how it enriches our lives. For example, with Josephine, I'd like to know more about Her two friends who left in January (we recorded the episode in Mid-December) What were they like? What will she be looking for in new friends to fill in the gap of this loss? I'd like to know more about what Josephine is learning about hospitality from the lady down the street that she's not finding in books. Then there's the challenge she faces of working alone she mentioned. What's that like for her? How does she deal with this? I'd like to know more about how she's processing the grief and losses she experiences. I loved how in our discussion she talked about being very specific in naming her losses and then feeling them. I'd like to hear a story or two of how she does that. I should have asked, “Can you give me an example of that.” And then I sensed a bit of sadness in her voice as she talked about the grief of relationships that come to an end. I wonder if I sensed it accurately, though. I'd like to know more about this. I wonder too, how as a leader of missionary teams, does she help those she leads deal with the losses they experience. Affirm people, cheer them on And then as our conversation came to a close, I just felt it was an honor for Josephine to have shared with me what was on her heart. She talked about some deeply personal and tender things that I felt needed a response from me. So without even thinking, I shared what was on my heart about what I heard from her. I told her I was proud of what she does and the way she does it. I mentioned that I saw what she does as being important work. I just felt the need to affirm her the best I could at that moment. We need to do this for each other whenever we can. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? Initiate with others. Don't wait for them to come to you. Ask God who you should initiate with, and then bless the person by listening well to their story. Affirm them when you can. Be their cheerleader. It will bring out the best in them, and the best in you. Another thing you can do is read the Necessary Endings book Josephine mentioned. It's by Dr. Henry Cloud. It's a very good book. A major theme Cloud writes about is that to experience God's best for us we sometimes have to end things before we can move on. Josephine talked a little about this. The author gives lots of examples from the Bible and his own counseling practice to illustrate this concept. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode When we initiate with others great conversations become like ballroom dancing. They lead, we follow, and both our lives are enriched. It deepens our relationships with people. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to consider initiating with someone. And as we talked about last week in episode 143, you make the first contact and see what happens. See what God does. I'd love to know how it goes for you. Because when you initiate with people there's a good chance you will find the joy God intends for you in relationships. For surely you must know by now, You Were Made for This. That's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week until we meet up again next week. Goodbye for now Related episodes you may want to listen to 143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1 083: The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community 139: Why should I listen to this podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Delayed gratitude can be more powerful than gratitude at the moment we're blessed. We may not fully appreciate what happened until time passes. Listen in to learn more. A listener offers a correction In episode 140 from a few weeks ago, I talked about the relational benefits of thanking people in writing for something they did to bless you. Writing a thank you note is a great way to deepen a relationship because it reminds us of the kindness we received, while at the same time it encourages the recipient of the thank you note to continue blessing others. I also cautioned our listeners in that episode not to expect people to thank you for the good you do for them. Because often they won't. But you do good things for people anyway, because it's the right thing to do. For example, I mentioned that in my reading of the Bible of all the times Jesus blessed people, I couldn't recall a single time when someone thanked Him for what He did for them. Soon after that episode aired, a listener - I think from Minnesota - quickly wrote to correct me. Keep listening to hear what she pointed out to me. It's an interesting story we can all benefit from. The healed leper who thanks Jesus Our Minnesota listener pointed out to me that in Luke 17 there is the story of Jesus healing ten lepers, one of whom returned afterward to thank Him. I'll read this short account from Luke 17: 11-14 As Jesus continued on toward Jerusalem, he reached the border between Galilee and Samaria. As he entered a village there, ten men with leprosy stood at a distance,  crying out, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!”
 He looked at them and said, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed of their leprosy.
 One of them, when he saw that he was healed, came back to Jesus, shouting, “Praise God!” He fell to the ground at Jesus' feet, thanking him for what he had done. This man was a Samaritan.
 Jesus asked, “Didn't I heal ten men? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.” Context of the story The context of this delayed gratitude story is important. For one thing, Jesus had been traveling with his disciples when these 10 lepers appear. Jesus knew they were watching. What he said and how he presented himself was just as much for the benefit of his followers as it was for the lepers. He was teaching by showing, which for them, and many of us, has greater impact than by teaching by telling. Geography is important in this story. Luke mentions the incident with the lepers takes place at the border between Galilee and Samaria. We can infer then that the 10 lepers were a mix of those from both places. If you were from Galilee, as were Jesus and his disciples, Samaria was considered the other side of the tracks. People from Samaria were looked down upon as second-class citizens. Why this is, I'll leave for theologians and preachers to explain. They need the work and it keeps them off the dole. One last thing in terms of context, you might wonder why Jesus told the lepers to present themselves to the priests after they were healed. This happened on other occasions when Jesus healed people. Presenting one's self to the Jewish priests legitimized their cleansing. Without this, healing by Jesus was considered unofficial. One commentator this said "It has to do with reintegrating lepers into society. Priests were able to verify that someone was healthy and had been cured (Lev. 13.49; 14:2ff.). Until that time, they were excluded from full participation in the community. “In sending the lepers to the priests Jesus is giving them their opportunity to reconnect with loved ones, re-establish careers and resume normal worship.” Who am I in this story? This story of the 10 lepers raises two important questions for all of us. The first one is, “As a person of faith, where do I see myself in this story?” I'd like to think I would be more like the one leper, the Samaritan leper, who came back to thank Jesus for healing him. Even though I didn't realize at first Jesus would be healing me as I and the other 9 lepers went to see the Jewish priests, my delayed gratitude to Him would need to be acknowledged. I'd like to think I'd do the right thing in this regard. But in reality, I think I am more like the 9 other lepers. They all had a measure of faith by believing they would be healed by Jesus, without Jesus actually being present. But it didn't occur to them to go back and thank Jesus for this huge blessing he granted them. This reminds me of my interview with Josephine in episode 143. She's a missionary in Eastern Europe, and when she was on a recent home assignment, she went back to 3 of her former music teachers to thank them for the positive impact each of them had on her life. This was gratitude expressed many years after the fact that was quite powerful. I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. It's one of my favorite episodes. It shows that sometimes it takes a significant distance of time and space for delayed gratitude to do its work. To touch our hearts in appreciation for how people - and God - have blessed us. Who is Jesus in the story? The second important question this story raises is “Who is Jesus?” For example, at the end of the story, how do you picture Jesus when he asks this rhetorical question, “Didn't I heal ten men? Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” Do you see him as angry? Maybe disappointed? Critical, perhaps? I can't prove it, but I have a strong hunch he was smiling, maybe even laughing at the lack of gratitude from the other 9 who were healed. Laughing like a parent of a young child who sees the self-centeredness in their offspring. But who at the same time realizes it's only a matter of time before their son or daughter matures, because he knows that deep down the child will eventually do the right thing. I picture Jesus thinking and smiling like this and looking like the actor who plays this role of Christ in The Chosen. It's that Internet series that's become so popular. To me, he looks like Aaron Rogers, the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. But this character who plays Jesus in The Chosen often smiles at the idiosyncrasies of his followers. I can easily imagine Jesus doing the same with us. Don't you love a Jesus who laughs and smiles? I hope you do. And I love how in this story Jesus points out the leper with the delayed gratitude is from Samaria. I'm sure Jesus did this for the benefit of his disciples who were from the right side of the tracks in Galilee. We don't expect people different t from us to be better than us. But that's what happened here with the leper from Samaria who praised Jesus with his delayed gratitude. So what does all this mean for YOU? I'll leave you with a question to think about. What is something Jesus has done for you in the past that evokes thankfulness within you now? Where would you be today if Jesus had not done what he did for you back then? Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Delayed gratitude can be more powerful than thankfulness at the moment we're blessed. We may not fully appreciate what happened until time passes and the significance of the blessing penetrates our soul. When it does, our relationship with the person who blessed us deepens. As always, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. You can even feel free to correct me as our listener from Minnesota did today. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect upon something Jesus has done for you, and then thank him for it, as the cleansed leper from Samaria did. It's one way to find the joy God intends for you in your relationship with Him. Because as we all know by now, You Were Made for This. That's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships until we meet up again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to or watch 143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1 140: Two Relational Benefits to a Thank You Note 139: Why Should I Listen to this Podcast? Click here to watch The Chosen Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

We will find more joy in our relationships when we take the time to listen to the relational melodies created by the important people in our life. Listen in to learn more. My Legacy Coalition talk A few days ago, this past Monday, I gave a live webinar for the Legacy Coalition, a Christian grandparenting organization. It was part of their weekly Grand Monday Nights program. I'll have a link to this fine organization at the bottom of the show notes. They are all about helping grandparents 
have a greater spiritual impact on their families. I encourage you to check them out. The topic of the webinar I gave was “How to Relate to Our Grandkids When they Don't Want to Talk.” For 30 minutes or so I explained the ORA principle I've talked about on this podcast a number of times. My talk focused on how Observe - Reflect - Act can be used to draw out children when they're not very communicative. I'll have a link at the bottom of the show notes to a few prior episodes explaining the ORA concept in more detail. I enjoyed putting that webinar together, and to top it off, I appreciated several comments shared with me by two listeners to the program. Let me tell what I learned from them that can help you in your relationships. Two former missionaries respond Phil, A retired missionary from Virginia texted me after the webinar to mention that ORA is, as he put it, “a good Italian word.” He and his wife Sylvia served in Italy for a number of years as missionaries. If anyone would know a “good Italian word,” it would be Phil. He said that ORA, in Italian, means “now” or “hour.” I love the time-sensitive nature of coupling ORA, Observe-Reflect-Act, with its Italian counterpart, “now” or “hour.” We certainly find more joy in our relationships when we live in the moment and don't let opportunities to deepen our relationships pass us by. So thanks for stimulating my thinking, Phil with your little Italian language lesson! And then I got another response shortly after the webinar finished. It was an email from Linda, another retired missionary, now living in North Carolina. I seem to recall that she and her late husband Jim served in Nigeria for many years. A quote from a movie related to the webinar Linda wrote, “As I listened to you share about O-R-A during the LEGACY COALITION webinar tonight, I thought of a quote I wrote down from a Netflix movie I recently watched called My Father's Violin: Every person creates their own melody. You just have to take the time to listen. This quote from the movie stimulated thinking in all kinds of directions. What kind of melody? Are the melodies discernible, unlike the rap music sung during the recent Super Bowl halftime show? Is creating our own melody a good thing? Can we share common melodies with each other? Are there melodies God gives us, that only seem like we created them ourselves? What melody am I creating? What melodies are you creating? All these questions. I bet if I saw the movie and heard the quote in context, my questions would be answered. Regardless, it's a stimulating thought to consider “every person creates their own melody.” One thing I know for sure One thing I don't wonder about, though, is the last part of the quote, which ties in so well with the ORA principle… “ You just have to take time to listen.” Because when we do take the time to listen to each other it does create more joy in our relationships. Of that I am certain. So Linda, thanks for stimulating my thinking with this interesting quote, and also for the lead on the Netflix movie, My Father's Violin. I'll have a link to that in the show notes as well. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? In the webinar from a few days ago, I made this comment near the end: "Our grandkids may not be talking, but they're always communicating. It's up to us to figure out what they're telling us.” I've been thinking more about this since Monday and it certainly applies to adults as well. We're all communicating something, even when we're not talking. The richest and most fulfilling relationships are those where people listen well to the unspoken. To the non-verbal. Where we listen with our eyes. With our heart. Where we listen to the melody created by others in ways that connect us more deeply with them. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Listening well to the melodies people all around us are creating can bring more joy into our relationships. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act by asking God to help you become a better listener to the melodies created and played by those around you. For when you do this, it will help you find the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week until we meet up again next time. Goodbye for now. Other resources you may want to check out 099: Share an Observation Instead of Asking a Question 088: Get Them to say “Thank You for Asking” The Legacy Coalition My Father's Violin - A Netflix movie Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Memories grandparents make are a relational anchor for grandchildren. They remind us of our relational roots and where we've come from. They show us the privilege we have in impacting the lives of others for good. Grandparent Job Description: Make Memories for Your Grandkids A few months ago in Episode 141, I asked you, our podcast audience, to share memories your grandparents created for you. I mentioned the memories could be from when you were a child or as an adult. I thought it would be interesting and encouraging to hear stories like this. For many of us, our relationship with our grandparents provided a sense of stability in our lives. For many of us, they are relational anchors. Holiday memories with Grandma In today's program, I'll be sharing three of the grandparent memories I received from listeners. Here's the first story. It's from Louise, a missionary who spent many years in China, and is now back in the US continuing to do Bible translation work as she did in China for several decades. She writes: "Dear John, On your recent podcast, you mentioned having us share a memory of our grandparents. I only had one growing up since the other 3 had already passed. We used to visit Granny in Orlando, FL for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She always saved stale bread for my younger brother and me to give to the ducks at the nearby lake. It was a small thing but was always anticipated by my brother and me. She also made clothes for me on occasion. I just loved it since she was a good seamstress and made cute things that I enjoyed wearing as a little girl. Granny didn't talk a lot but she always made us feel welcome and special whenever we visited. Boy, could she cook too. Her kitchen was small but the holiday meals she made were wonderful." Louise's memory of her grandmother reminds me of a comment I made in last week's episode, no. 146, namely, we tend to overestimate the power of our words and underestimate the power of our presence. As a woman of few words, her grandmother excelled at creating joy. The joy of doing something that would bring her grandkids pleasure - saving bread to feed the ducks, making cute clothes, cooking wonderful holiday meals. It brings me joy just imagining what this must have been like for Louise and her brother. The memories grandparents make are important. Reading to a granddaughter thousands of miles away The second story I'll read comes from a retired missionary. She writes about a memory her mother created as a grandmother for her daughter. Here it is: "I have a vivid memory of one thing my Mom chose to do many years ago when she, as a retired missionary herself, was back in the USA and Jim and I were now raising a young family in NIGERIA. It left an indelible impact on me as her daughter. When Lisa, our oldest, was 2-3 years old, Mom sent us a copy of the children's book CORDUROY. Along with the book was a cassette tape of her talking to Lisa and then reading the book aloud to her. Mom told Lisa that she used to love reading to ME, but that she was happy that now she could read to her granddaughter. She asked Lisa to sit in her favorite chair and pretend she was on Grandma's lap. She told our daughter she would read and ring a little bell when it was time to turn the page. I remember sniffling in the background as I watched Lisa snuggle into a chair and listen to Grandma read. It didn't matter that she was on the other side of the world. I prayed Lisa would always remember that kind voice and the time they had spent 'together.'" What if there's little or no relationship with a grandparent? After describing her own mother as a grandparent, our now-retired missionary went on to write: "I wish I had had the Godly influence of grandparents in my life, but I never did. Growing up as a missionary kid in Nigeria without the later benefit of email, FaceTime, or phone calls, we were separated from family for four years at a time. By the time I was old enough to know my grandparents, they had either passed away or were too frail to build meaningful relationships. Looking back on the cost of that loss grieves me. However, I don't recall my parents dwelling on it. I didn't hear them complain or even talk about what was missed, but I'm sure the reality was painful for them. It was a cost they had counted, a sacrifice that “went with the territory” of an overseas mission commitment, I guess. I wish, though, that my parents had told more stories about them. There are glaring gaps in their histories that I long to know now. "What I've learned as a grandparent" As I am a little further down the pike now, I can see the importance of returning from Nigeria when I did. I finally could see that others could teach music, lead schools and mentor Nigerian teachers and dorm staff at Kent Academy. Others could support widows. But I was the only one who could be the Grandma to my grandchildren.  I was a little too-late-smart, but I finally could see the bigger picture! So now, I see the privilege of investing in our 8 grandkids. I see the joy of intentionally traveling to Washington, DC and Chicago to support these two families. I see the urgency of redeeming lost time and making the times count when we can be together. It's never too late to start doing what's right!  And just as Jesus placed his healing hands on people individually, I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all in Grandparenting either. We as grandparents must work to reach our grands and ask God to give us direction in connecting with them as individuals. As we lean in and listen to His still, small voice, I believe He will teach us and delight in helping us." A Rocky Mountain grandmother and a disabled grandfather Our last grandparent memory comes from a missionary who served in the Mideast for many years. She and her husband are now in administrative and training leadership roles with their mission and are based in Florida. She begins: "It was fun to think back on my grandparents and their impact on my life. My grandmother lived in Colorado in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. At the age of 70, she took up painting and became an artist! She painted Colorado aspen trees with the backdrop of the mountains as well as watercolor paintings of various little birds. She always looked for the unique beauty in everyday surroundings. Her paintings are her legacy. They reflect how she saw and appreciated the beauty of her world. She taught me that it's never too late in life to try something new - to take up a new hobby and develop a latent talent. My grandfather had Parkinson's Disease and lived far away from us, so we didn't know him well. When we visited him at the nursing home, I always remember his hugs. He couldn't really give us anything other than love and a hug and it left a lasting impression on me. Kids don't need more toys or things. They need to know they are loved. Hugs matter. A creative grandmother My grandmother was an amazing, creative woman who loved to knit and crochet. To this day we have colorful afghans that she knitted that are perfect to wrap up in on a chilly night. As a little girl of about 9, I asked her to help me learn to knit. She got some needles and taught me to cast on the yarn and then demonstrated how to knit. I tried my best, I truly did. I made a square that was about 4 inches wide. It was purple. As I proudly showed my grandma my creative accomplishment, she looked up at me with kind eyes and said softly, “Well, honey, maybe you should try a different hobby!!” To this day, I do not knit!!" Creating a memory for a grandchild She continues, talking about a memory she created for one of her own grandchildren: "One thing I have done with my own grandsons when we visit, is to tell them I pray for them every day. As I tuck them into bed at night I ask them, “Do you want to know what I pray for you?” Of course, they are curious and want to know!! I tell them the exact same thing every time. “I pray that you will grow up and become a man who knows and loves the Lord Jesus with all your heart.” Several years ago as I tucked Griffin into bed and we had this conversation, he looked up at me with ice blue eyes (and red hair) and in all sincerity, he exclaimed, “Grammi, I will!” It's been 10 years since that night and every time I see him I say, “Griffin, do you remember what I pray for you?” He grins and we share a moment and then he repeats my prayer for him. It blesses my heart." So what does all this mean for YOU? These three stories remind me of the power and privilege a grandparent has in creating memories for our grandchildren. They remind me that it's the simple things that count, like giving stale bread to your grandkids so they can feed the ducks. It's reading to our grandkids. It's showing them it's never too late to learn something new. And it's praying for them every day. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Memories grandparents create are a relational anchor for grandchildren. They remind us of our relational roots and where we've come from. They show us the privilege we have in impacting the lives of others for good. Closing If you have any thoughts about today's episode, I'd love to hear them, along with any memories YOUR Grandparents created for YOU. With all that's going on in the world today, we need to hear more stories like the ones you've heard today. Well, that's all for today. Until we meet up again next time, make a memory for someone. For when you do, you'll at the same time make a memory for yourself. Related episodes you may want to listen to 130: Be Thankful We Can Make Memories for People 139: Why Should I listen to this Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Be careful of what not to say when bad things happen to good people. Comfort others by letting them see your heart aching with theirs. Your presence will have more power than your words. Listen in to learn more. Too much time spent on Caring Bridge It's been a rough couple of weeks. It started with going to the funeral of a former student of mine when I taught high school English back in the 70s. Janet and I re-connected with her and her husband several years ago before cancer invaded her body, and finally took her life. What do you say to her husband? To her children and grandchildren? Shortly thereafter, a good friend met with us to tell us through her tears and halting breathe, that her 40-something daughter was just diagnosed with colon cancer. It's quite advanced, and everyone in the family is in a state of shock. Then several days ago another good friend, a missionary, emailed to say the baby born to his son and daughter-in-law that morning was stillborn. The doctors don't know what caused a healthy heartbeat to suddenly stop shortly before birth. It was to be our friend's first grandchild. The entire extended family is devastated. What do you say to people in situations like this? What not to say I can across a helpful blog post several years ago by Tim Pyles, who is the preaching minister at the Broken Arrow Church of Christ in suburban Tulsa, Oklahoma. In his blog post, he shares five things NOT to say in situations like the ones I described in the beginning. I'll share excerpts that I hope you will find useful. The first example of “what not to say” is Everything Happens for a Reason. Everything Happens for a Reason “No it doesn't.  Not even close,” Pyles writes.  “This is one of those statements that is almost in the Bible.  Though it may sound like an affirmation of unqualified faith in a sovereign God, in actuality it slanderously accuses God of cruelty and injustice and impugns His divine will.  Romans 8:28 is frequently used as a proof text for this unbiblical notion, but that passage doesn't teach that all earthly outcomes are somehow the result of a micro-managing, manipulative Deity. “Read the passage carefully.  ‘Everything happens for a reason' is a quotation from Marilyn Monroe, not the Messiah. “Since I have written about this statement previously, I won't further belabor the point here.  See “Everything Happens for a Reason, Right?” for a lengthier discussion and explanation.” [Note: I'll have a link to this article at the end of the show notes] The author continues with the second thing not to say: God won't give you more than you can handle. “Again, close, but no.  Almost in the Bible, but not!…. Such a statement suggests that God's divine hand is on a celestial spigot of suffering, determining and divvying out tragedies and heartaches based on His assessment of our ability to 'handle it.'  It is not only wrong and hurtful, but insulting, to suggest to someone that their immense suffering is somehow a divine 'compliment.'" Let me pause for a moment and add that God sometimes DOES give us more than we can handle in order to encourage us to depend on him. His glory is so often demonstrated in our weakness and inability to deal with the things the world throws at us. Giving us more than we can handle can connect us more deeply with God if we allow it to. Back to the blog post with item number 3 of what not to say: God is in control “Ultimately, yes; God reigns supreme and unrivaled over the whole of His creation… … Offered as a response to a tragic loss, “God is in control,” comes across as yet another hollow platitude, and, worse, one that wrongfully lays the blame for our suffering squarely at the foot of God's throne of grace.” I would agree with the author's comments on this one. “God is in control” is certainly true. But people in the middle of suffering won't be comforted by it. This truth won't sink in until much later. As so often the case, timing is everything. Much of the pain and suffering we experience is because we live in a fallen world outside the Garden. We tend to forget that. Moving on, Tim Pyles shares the next phrase not to say to hurting people: God has a plan “Yes, He indeed does, but the death of their child was not a part of it.” To this I would add, remarks like “God has a plan” often comes off as our effort to defend God and what he does in the affairs of mankind. God doesn't need us to defend him. “God has a plan” is prone to distance us from hurting people. Finally, the last of the “What Not to Say” is: One day you'll understand why; one day you'll know the reason “No, they won't.” The author of this blog post does not leave us hanging with what not to say. Here is what he says are helpful things we can and should say or do: “If this is a person who you know and love, tell them how much they mean to you and how much your heart aches with them and for them.  Tell them how much you loved their child, and how much you miss them.  Tell them, ‘I can't imagine the pain, the hurt, the sense of loss, and the anger that you are feeling' … “Grief is a journey and a process, not an event.  Patiently love them and consistently demonstrate the Spirit of Jesus Christ.  When the time is right, assure them that God loves them, too.  Remind them that they can speak openly and honestly to God about what they are feeling. “Hopefully, in time, they will come to see how God can bring light even out of the darkest of nights, and out of our brokenness, He can bring blessing.  He is not the Cause, but rather the Redeemer of our suffering.” So what does all this mean for all of us? I like how the author concludes his remarks: “Our ‘presence' and our actions of kindness and compassion should always precede our words, and completely substitute for them if necessary.  Show compassion, extend kindness, demonstrate humility, deal with them gently, and be patient with them (Colossians 3:12). “The emotions of those who have suffered soul-jarring and faith-shaking losses are very real and extremely raw.  What they feel is what they feel.  Their pain is deep.  Their grief is intense.  To attempt to get them to deny their emotions, to suppress their feelings, or to feel guilty about their anger will be completely unhelpful and counterproductive and will almost certainly ensure that you will not be welcomed to walk beside them throughout their long journey of grief.” Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Be careful of what not to say when bad things happen to good people. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think about what phrases to avoid in trying to be helpful to the hurting people in your life. And to instead to live out Colossians 3:12, where the Apostle Paul says, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. For when you do, you will find the joy God intends for you in your relationships. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That's it for today. Until we connect again next time, spread a little relational sunshine to those around you. Goodbye for now. Related resources you may want to check out 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Tim Pyles blog post, "Everything Happens for a Reason, Right?” Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

When we know people in our life are struggling, “what do I say to them?” is often the wrong question we ask ourselves. There's a better question we can ask that will comfort and encourage people. Listen in to learn more. Episode 148 left us hanging Episode 148 from last week talked about five things NOT to say to people close to us who are going through a rough patch in their life. I'll have a link to it in the show notes. So if we know what not to say, then what are helpful things we could say? We'll tackle this question in today's episode. Words matter I love words. I love people who write them well. I like how Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz and other best-selling memoirs uses words. He incorporated as a company simply called “Donald Miller's Words.” Our daughter has a friend who does free-lance copywriting. She calls her business "Words for Sale." I like Anne Lamont and how she uses words. Of the many books she's written, one of my favorites is her book about 3 types of prayer. It's called Help. Thanks. Wow. Three simple words. Three powerful prayers. In talking about the wow of God, she frequently uses the phrase, “It's God showing off.” It's the best description of sunsets, the Grand Canyon, and childbirth I can think of - God showing off. In William P. Young's book, The Shack, he repeats the phrase “God is especially fond of you” in addressing, Mack, the main character of the book. What a beautiful phrase and powerful theological truth. “God is especially fond of you” These are all beautiful words. Words have their limits But words have their limits when it comes to knowing what to say to people going through a rough patch in their life. I find myself saying things like, “I am so sorry you're having to deal with this.” It's truly how I feel, but it seems hollow sometimes. When it comes to our friends dealing with a death, we often say “I'm sorry for your loss”, or if it's a sudden, tragic death, “I have no words.” And that's the problem, we often don't have words to express how we feel inside for the pain someone close to us is experiencing. So few of us are like Donald Miller, Anne Lamont, or William Young with our words. I so wish we had a larger menu, like they have at Chinese restaurants, of comforting words and phrases to choose from. Beyond Words But then I think, are better words really the answer? It seems to me words are just a means to an end, not the end itself. We use words to connect us with people, to show how our emotions align with theirs. To let them know we want to be part of the journey they are on in dealing with a loss or difficulty in their life. Words are the dots to connect our heart with the heart of another. Maybe there are other ways beyond words that connect us with each other. In last week's episode, I mentioned our friend whose 40-something daughter became very ill, and how our friend was filling in for her daughter by managing the household, helping her son-in-law, and caring for her grandkids. The weight of all that had to be done was overwhelming for our friend. Preparing meals, dealing with the ever-growing pile of laundry. All at the time she was caring for her very-sick daughter. What do I say to a friend who's feeling overwhelmed like this? My first thoughts went to one of the things mentioned in episode 148, God Never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully I resisted that thought. Then several Bible verses came to mind. Verses I know our friend was well schooled in. Verses about how God is always there for us, how God cares for us when we are struggling. She may have even memorized them. When our friend shared the bad news about her daughter I don't remember saying anything, I just listened. And gave her my handkerchief she used to dab the tears from the corner of her eyes. It was the best I could do at the moment. A helpful quote Days later I came across a quote that I sent in a text to our friend. I wrote: “Here's a quote from Seth Godin I came across the other day that reminded me of you when you feel overwhelmed with doing all that your daughter does to manage the household. Godin said, ‘I'm pretty confident that when the Titanic went down, the deck chairs were cleaned and well-ordered. It's a shame no one talked about the icebergs.'” And then I added, “Keep up the good work in keeping your priorities straight! I'm continuing to pray for your daughter.” In my thinking, the housework that was crying out for attention was her deck chairs on the Titanic. The physical and emotional needs of her daughter were the icebergs - the most important things to attend to. All analogies break down at some point, but in using the words from this quote I was trying to affirm her wisdom in caring for her daughter at the expense of the piles of laundry. It was the best I could do at the moment. Sometimes the best we can do to connect with people is to show we are thinking about them and remembering their struggles, even when we're not together. Our words are not as important as what we do. So what does all this mean for YOU? I wonder if there are people in your life going through a difficult time who would appreciate you connecting with them. And maybe doing so without words. Connect with them by showing you haven't forgotten their struggles and that you are paying for them. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode When people in our life are struggling, “What do I say to them?” isn't as important a question to ask as “What can I do?” I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect and to act by letting someone you know who's struggling that you haven't forgotten them. That you are praying for them, and that they are not alone in whatever difficulty they are going through. It will bring out the best in you and go a long way in helping you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This. That's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

Joy multiplies itself when we rejoice over what others have that we don't. It comes to us when the joy we see in others is enough to fill us. Today's episode shows how it's done with three beautiful grandparent memories shared by two listeners. Grandparents impact us long after they are gone If you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time you'll know it's all about relationships. It's about finding the joy God intends for us in our relationships. It is the “this” you were made for in You Were Made for This. As an example, for many of us our relationship with our grandparents left a lasting impact on our lives long after they passed away. So I recently asked listeners like you to describe memories of your grandparents. I shared several of these in episode 147: Memories Our Grandparents Make. I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. A few more grandparent memories have come in that I thought you'd like to hear today. I see joy in each one of them. I'll comment at the end of them with a few thoughts of my own that may surprise you. Here's the first one from a listener who starts by identifying herself as “The woman from Minnesota again…” Yes, it's Marilyn from Minnesota, who always has something interesting to say. Today is no exception. She writes: A listener responds with a grandparent memory “When I was in about fifth grade, our family made our trek from the U.P. to Indiana to visit my mother's parents. I adored them, but was only able to see them once a year or less. Interesting how those few days a year made a huge impact on my life. “One evening, after my grandparents had gone to bed, I happened to be passing by their room. The door was ajar by a couple of inches so I could easily hear what they were saying. They actually were not talking to one another. They were talking to God. I paused by the door to listen to their entire prayer time. It became quite clear to me that this was their habit each evening after turning off the lights and settling in bed. “They were praying for each of their five children and each of their many grandchildren. Their specific names were mentioned and specific prayer requests were given. Of course, I waited expectantly to be sure I was included. Sure enough, I was. Those few minutes were a treasure I have never forgotten. And they never knew I eavesdropped on their private three-way conversation. It's all part of my treasured heritage.” Isn't that a great story? I see joy in it, don't you? She concludes with a brief story about being a grandparent herself. Before our grandkids move away “A few weeks ago, on our local Christian radio station, they mentioned a woman who traced each of her grandchildren's hands in a notebook. When she would pray for them, she would place her hand over that traced hand. A special ‘touch.' “Four of my grandchildren are moving a far distance from me. Before they leave, I'm planning on tracing their hands in my prayer notebook.” Memories of music and making bread Then I heard from Dorcas, a missionary now living in Virginia. I see joy in her grandparent stories, too.  She begins, “Once again I enjoyed your podcast today…and it brought back really sweet memories of my grandparents.  You're right – it was the simple things that we remember, but they made them - and our time with them so very special! “My paternal grandpa taught me hymns and ballads while sitting on the front porch of their home, rocking in the porch swing.  ‘Ole Dan Tucker' was my favorite and then Johnny Appleseed (“The Lord is Good to Me”.)  My paternal grandmother was the best bread maker around.  She baked all the bread for the local hospitals, and I still remember having hot buns and fresh blackberries and crème for breakfast….nothing better!  I  love to make bread to this day. “Then my sweet Scottish, shy maternal grandmother was so special. The mother of 12 kids, and not afraid of work at all.  She taught me how to see the rain coming through the mountains and would say ‘go get a blanket and then grab the songbooks and join me on the front porch.' Snuggling and singing with Grandma “There we would sit on her porch swing, wrapped up in the blanket, snuggled together and her teaching me old southern gospel songs and hymns.  I loved it. And she made me love rain, songbooks, and time to swing during summer rains.  I can still hear her voice in my memory and have loved porch swings ever since. “I guess those porch swings were the center of community back then and I am grateful for the love of God, family, and songs they gave me.  Hospitality happened so naturally for them all – they just shared what they had!  I can't wait to meet my other grandpa in Heaven someday.” My reaction to these grandparent stories I love the memories shared by “that Minnesota woman again.” What a tender and beautiful picture of eavesdropping on her grandparents as they prayed for each of their children and grandchildren individually, and specifically for her. What a touching picture of love poured out for one's family. And to do it privately when you think the kids aren't watching. But as you know, the kids are always watching, even when you think they aren't. And then there's that story of tracing her grandchildren's hand in her prayer book that she will touch as she prays for them when they move far away from her. Doesn't that grip your heart? It does mine. Our missionary friend Dorcas listening in Virginia also shares some great memories her grandparents created for her. I don't know about you, but I can just smell the bread her grandmother baked. And I can feel the warmth of her other grandmother snuggled with her granddaughter on the front porch, singing during the summer rain. The surprising thing for me in these stories is I can't relate at all to the grandparents described here. My grandparents weren't anything at all like Marilyn's or Dorcas. Where they anything like yours? Do you see joy in the stories of your grandparents? Yet the joy I see in what Dorcas and Marilyn experienced brings me joy now. My grandparent memories I only saw my maternal grandparents twice in my life. They lived on a farm in northern Minnesota, far from where I grew up in southeastern Wisconsin. I only saw them the two times we visited them. Once when I was about 10 or 11, and the other right before I started college when I was 18. I don't recall them interacting with me at all during those brief visits. My dad's father died decades before I was born. His mother lived with us when I was quite young. I only remember tension in our house during those years, as she and my mother didn't get along. I do have fond memories of my grandmother when I was a teenager. For several summers I spent a week with her in her simple low-income flat in an aging neighborhood in the city, not far from the suburban home of my parents. A summer memory with my grandmother I remember one summer painting her flat. She was fascinated with the fact I could paint her ceiling without a ladder. I was tall, and her ceiling was short, just like her. In her broken English, and with her hands to the side of her face, she would exclaim, “Janez, Janez,” marveling at my handiwork. My brother Joe still calls me Janez. And he's “Yo - Szha” to me. My grandmother was always kind to me and gave me stamps off the letters she received from her friends in Slovenia - the country she immigrated from when she was just 18. I always felt she loved me. But that's about it when it comes to my grandparent memories. There was a time earlier in my life when I would have been jealous of grandparent memories like Marilyn and Dorcas shared. “Must be nice” would have been my theme song (by the way I talk about the harmful “must be nice” phrase back in episode 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1) Connecting with the lives of others so different from our own Yet despite the differences in our background and our grandparents, I thoroughly enjoyed these grandparent memories you've heard today. Rather than being envious, I share in the joy I see in Dorcas and Marilyn's stories. I find joy in hearing about the character of their grandparents and how they expressed love for their grandchildren. I find joy in hearing how Marilyn and Dorcas were blessed by their grandparents in different ways. To see the joy in them fills me. It doesn't bother me in the least that I wasn't given what they received. I find joy in seeing how the character of God manifested itself in the lives of these older people I never meant, and the positive impact they had on their families. I find joy in the subconscious realization that I can be like the grandparents in these stories. In creating meaningful memories for others, I in turn bring joy into my own life. How about YOU? I bet there are people in your life who are filled with joy over something missing from yours. But our lives are so much more enriched when we can appreciate the joy we see in the lives of others and share in it with them. It's what God wants for us when he says “rejoice with those who rejoice.” It takes the spirit of God working in our lives to live like this. All we need to do is ask Jesus to make us feel content in whatever circumstance we are in. And then the joy will come. We can't do it on our own. We need Him. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Joy has a way of multiplying itself when we rejoice over what others have that we don't. It comes to us when the joy we see in others is enough to fill us. Joy is meant to be shared. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to reflect on how you might be able to experience more joy in your life by sharing in the joys of others. Through the power of God's spirit, you were made for this. Related episodes you may want to listen to 147: Memories Our Grandparents Make 005: The Gift of Joy - Part 1 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

As a person of faith, we can help and comfort people best when we embrace and share the principle that hope is a noun more than a verb. An important relationship principle in today's show We talked in episodes 148 and 149 about what to say and not to say when our friends are going through a hard time in their life. I'll have links to those episodes in the show notes. Today's episode is about another important principle to remember in helping our friends who are dealing with difficulties in their life. Keep listening. It will help you, too. An unspeakable tragedy In episode 148 I mentioned the missionary who told Janet and me that the baby born to his son and daughter-in-law that morning was stillborn. A healthy heart suddenly stopped beating before birth. The doctors don't know why. The whole family was in a state of shock and just devastated. The baby was to be our friend's first grandchild. We viewed the funeral service online from hundreds of miles away. It was hard to watch. All that heartache seeping out of the baby's father who spoke of the overwhelmingly painful loss he and his wife had just suffered. A week or so later our missionary friend's wife texted to say “these have been very hard days, some almost unbearable, but we are clinging to Jesus with everything we've got.” She followed this up with another text where she wrote, Wisdom from a blog post I spent some time on a website called “Hope Mommies,” a ministry that focuses on moms who have lost babies/children. One of the blogs shared this: “Friends sent puzzles and coloring books. Those things were all nice, but they didn't actually fill the time. Your mind is still free to think while completing a puzzle or coloring a picture. I wanted something to occupy my mind so time would pass. In these moments, the comment "time heals all wounds" was not helpful. It felt like time was not moving; it felt like I would never experience healing. The excruciating minutes would linger and linger. If time was my only hope, that felt cruel. “But thankfully time isn't where our hope lies. Our hope is in Christ Jesus. He met us in our pain and presented us with true peace, that transcends understanding (Philippians 4:7). It is not by the passage of time, but "by His wounds we are healed" (1 Peter 2). We don't have to wait. Even in the midst of our suffering, He offers us hope. "And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7 Hope is a noun more than a verb This blog post reminded me of a stark difference between people of faith and those who choose to make no room for God in their life. For people of faith, Hope is a noun. For everyone else, Hope is a verb. People of faith understand that for us, hope is found in the person of Jesus Christ. He's an anchor that's rock solid. He's something and someone that never changes. Jesus is a certainty. He's a person we can cling to “with everything we've got” as my missionary friend put it. Hope as a noun get's us through our present difficulties. While Jesus hope awaits us in the future, it's a source of strength to get us through our present difficulties For everyone else, hope is uncertain, with no guarantees. It varies from person to person. Hope as a verb is inconsistent, subjective, and elusive. It's about the future, with no help for the present. But for people of faith, hope is a noun more than a verb. In my book THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others, I touch upon the questions people have about why God allows bad things to happen to good people. Here's a brief excerpt: The goodness of God I don't have an answer for these questions. All I know is that God is good, and I cling to this. It is my anchor. It is what gives me hope and what keeps me from going crazy. He is good when life is going well, and He is just as good when everything is not. The goodness of God is not defined or explained by the circumstances in which I find myself. I also know that even if the worst happens to me here on earth, God will comfort me; He will be compassionate with me. He is the God of all comfort and the father of compassion. We can count on this for sure. Even if the worst happens, God can use it to draw us closer to Himself—if we let Him. He can use it to strengthen us. He may very well make us better people for it. Even if the worst happens, God can use what we go through for greater purposes and reasons than we can ever imagine. (pages 116-1170 So what does all this mean for YOU? For a person of faith, how we view Jesus is where the rubber hits the road in dealing with all that life throws at us. Do we know Jesus well enough to view him as an anchor, someone we can cling to when our world begins to unravel? Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode As a person of faith, we can help and comfort people when we embrace and share the principle with others that for us, Hope is a noun more than a verb. And it can be the same for them, too. Closing As always, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act upon the great news of the Gospel that Jesus is our hope. Our only hope. Our relationship with him is the most important one we have It is one we were made for. That's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week. Until we meet up again next time, goodbye for now. Related resources you may want to check out 149: What Do I Say to Them? 148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

When you want to help others, instead of asking “how can I help?”, a better thing to do is offer a specific solution instead. It will lift a burden for those who don't yet know what they need. Listen to an example in today's show. Many people are going through a rough time The other day I received an email from Connie, a newer listener to this podcast. Her subject line read, “Not only am I enjoying them.” She continued with I pass them on to others, many going through tough times in their lives. Health issues, loss of loved ones, isolation, and loneliness. It has been harder for many to adapt to these past two years and your talks are positive, gentle, and encouraging with a welcoming voice. Relationship building is huge and your podcasts shine a light on any weakness and how one can do better! I am listening, so keep them coming. This one's for you, Connie In recent episodes I've been talking about how we can help people like those Connie describes, people dealing with health issues, loss of loved ones, isolation, and loneliness. We often don't know what to do or say to people like this. Often we'll say things like “Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.” I know I've said this a number of times. The problem with this well-meaning offer of help is that many times people don't know what they need. Or they are overwhelmed with whatever they're dealing with. So when you ask, “what can I do to help? “ You've just created a job for them. You've given them a task, namely, to think about what they need and then contact you to meet that need. In times of stress that can be daunting for people. A better thing to do I'll give you an example of a different approach that I saw in my wife Janet the other day. One morning after reading a passage of scripture about doing good for people, the Holy Spirit prompted her to say to me, “I think we should get together with Linda.” This was soon after Linda (which isn't her real name. I changed it for privacy reasons) had initiated contact with us to tell us about her 40-something daughter's serious health condition. We knew this turn of events was deeply disturbing to Linda, and while many people were there to support her daughter, we wondered if Linda was getting the emotional support she needed. So Janet contacted her and made arrangements for us to pick her up and take her out to dinner. Being the classy people we are, we took her to a grocery store and chose from the limited menu that went with their limited seating. Everyone has a story As we talked for some time, and heard what was on Linda's heart she mentioned, “Everyone has a story. For now, I'm going back to the large church I was attending because some of the people still there know my story. I need to be with people who know my story.” We know Linda's story, too. She's a rather private person and to know her story is a great privilege. During the course of our conversation, Janet asked Linda how the Meal Train program was going for the family. This is where people volunteer online to prepare and deliver meals at designated times for a family. Linda said it was very helpful because when you're dealing with a health crisis in the household, the last thing you want to think about is preparing meals. But then Linda mentioned her son-in-law was going through a lot of organic fruits and vegetables he runs through their juicer for the liquid diet his wife is on. She said it was getting expensive. Listen well and you'll discover specific needs Janet then asked Linda, if they needed money for these fruits and vegetables. Linda said, “yes.” It was a specific need Janet asked about, which is a better way of asking to help others than “how can I help?” Without giving it a second thought, Janet reached into her purse and pulled out all of the $30 she had with her and gave it to Linda. It was a minor miracle Janet even had $30 at all, as she rarely carries any cash. “Here give this to your son-in-law to feed the juicer,” she said. While having the cash on hand was a miracle, giving it away was not. It's Janet's m.o. She's been generous like this since I first met her in her father's garage when we were 13. We talked about this afterward and remarked how it seemed easier to get the money to its intended recipient through an intermediary like Linda. It was less awkward than giving the money directly to Linda's son-in-law. A deja vu moment On the way home after our time with Linda, I had a flashback to a similar situation that happened a long time ago. We were in the early days of our missionary care ministry and trying to raise support. We happened to be in Greenville, SC visiting our daughter where she had recently moved. During our time there Jennifer arranged for us to meet a pastor who was the brother of one her good friends. So we got together with Kerry and his wife Cynthia for breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. They told us part of their story, and we shared part of ours, this new venture we were on starting a missionary care ministry. As we were getting ready to leave, Cynthia reached into her purse, and pulled out what I recall to be $30 and said, “Here, take this. I want you to use it for your ministry. It's all I have right now.” We were shocked at her kindness and generosity. I hadn't thought about this event in many years, but the picture of it rose to the surface in seeing Janet do the same thing with Linda. Months later we learned that Kerry's position at the church was eliminated. He eventually became an Anglican priest and pastored a church in Cairo, Egypt for a few years. Kerry and Cynthia now lead a church in Amsterdam. So Cynthia, if you're listening, your legacy of generosity lives on! The day after Back to our story about Linda. The next day after our dinner at the grocery store, Linda sent Janet and me this text: Thank you so much for last night. Thank you for picking me up. Thank you for loving me so tenderly in Christ. Thank you for letting the tears flow. Thank you for making me laugh. Such loving friends like you, along with tears and laughter, are so good for the soul. Knowing that you're here means more to me than you'll ever know. You are diamonds in the treasure box of friendship. So what does all this mean for YOU? Here are a few random thoughts I hope you walk away with: Every now and then it's a good idea to put yourself in other people's shoes and to think “What might it be like to be them right now?” Be open to hearing from the Holy Spirit to help you to help others Instead of asking how you could help someone, take a guess and ask a closed-ended question, Would you like me to do X? Would you like me to do Y? To help others, observe what other people are doing to care for people, and then do something different. Don't let people go through hard times alone. Remember the quote for the movie The Soloist: “All he wants from you is to show up.” In whatever you do always reflect the image and character of God Think of how you've been blessed in the past, and pay it forward by doing the same thing for others As always,listen. Both with your ears, and your eyes Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Instead of asking a friend in need what you can do to help, a better thing to do to help others is to ask a closed-end question like, “Would you like me to ______?” The more specific a solution you suggest, the better. It lifts a burden from their shoulders and puts it on yours. As always, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing That's it for today. In the meantime, bring a measure of joy into the lives of others this week by spreading a little relational sunshine around you. Until we meet up again next time, goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 149: What Do I Say to Them? 148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We depend upon the generosity of people like you to pay our bills.  If you'd like to support what we do with a secure tax-deductible donation, please click here. Thank you.

We don't need to ask hurting people “what can I do to help?” There's another way to help that takes the pressure off us and the person we care about. It's to reflect the character of God in caring for others. Today's episode gives two examples of this important principle we can use in our relationships. Keep reading to learn more. A picture is worth a thousand words. I saw two news photos recently about the invasion of Ukraine that gave me hope in the midst of this awful tragedy. You've heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words. I'm not counting, but here are my words about these two pictures that touched my heart for the compassion and kindness they depicted. They also illustrate the relationship principle I talked about in last week's episode, no. 152. I'll explain that in a minute, but I'll start with the photos. Baby strollers left for the taking  The first photo is of a train station where Ukrainian refugees fleeing the Russian invasion of their country first arrive in Poland. On the platform where people get off the train, some unknown women placed empty baby strollers for the newly arriving mothers to take for their children. I think it's safe to say this was a spontaneous response on the part of these women to act upon what they first observed. They saw the news of millions of Ukrainians fleeing their country. I'm recording this near the end of March 2022 and the latest figures I saw were about 10 million people in Ukraine have fled their homes. They are mostly women and children; the men are staying back to fight in the war. The UN estimates 50,000 Ukrainians are entering Poland every day. I also think it's safe to say these Polish women reflected upon what this means for their Ukrainian counterparts. They're imagining what life must be like for them. To leave behind their husbands, brothers, fathers, and even grandfathers to fight the invading forces, not knowing if they will ever see their loved ones again. They see the photos you and I see of apartment buildings bombed and reduced to rubble. If the war were to end today, what could they possibly return to other than smashed slabs of concrete, piled one on top of the other where their homes used to be? No one asked, “What can I do to help?” No one asked these refugees getting off the train, “How can I help you?” I doubt if a committee was formed to design a care program with a catchy name and a clever acronym to assist these refugees. Instead, they put the ORA principle into practice. They Observed - Reflected - Acted. The baby strollers the Poles provide seemed in pretty good shape and I wonder if they were recently purchased. Giving away strollers, whether their own possessions or newly purchased, was a sacrifice. But a loss so minor in comparison to what the refugees were giving up. If you look closely at the photo, you'll notice the baby strollers on the train platform are pointing in different directions, with no sense of order. Just like their lives that changed on February 24, 2022, when Russia invaded their homeland. For the Ukrainian mothers, these baby strollers send a silent but powerful message to them that there are good people here in Poland. “They get me. They understand. In their nation's history they have been invaded by Russia, too. Maybe I'll be able to make it in this new country after all. At least my children and I are alive and with me. And there are some people doing what they can to care for us.“ A welcoming bridge The second photo is of a gray wooden bridge near the crossing from Ukraine into Romania. It's the photo you see at the top of the show notes for this episode. I'll also have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes. I'm struck by the contrast in colors in the photo. The sky is gray. The bridge is gray. But someone has placed bright, colorful stuffed toy animals on the side of the bridge. The Romanians observed the same photos of war as the Polish women and the rest of us see. They also reflected upon the meaning of it all and the impact on mothers and their children leaving their homeland in Ukraine. They imagined what it must be like to be them with frightened children under tow. The kids had to leave their prized possessions behind, but greeting them on the side of the bridge are colorful stuffed toy animals. Maybe this could be the start to a good beginning. This gesture sent a message to the arriving Ukrainians, “These Romanians must be good people to provide these stuffed animals. They're showing concern for my children. They understand kids because they must have children of their own. Maybe, just maybe, we're going to be okay here after all.” The refugees saw the Romanians reflect the character of God. So what does all this mean for YOU and me? You and I won't be expecting Ukrainian refugees at our doorstep anytime soon. But there is a relationship lesson we can learn from the Poles and Romanians. It's about the relationship principle of asking a better question than “what can I do to help?” It is to think about what you could do to best reflect the character of God in helping someone. And then do it. It is about taking our eyes off ourselves for a few minutes and putting ourselves in the place of hurting people who are scared and dealing with a life-changing loss of one kind or another. We don't have to look to fleeing refugees from Ukraine to find people like this. They're all around us. We can follow the example of the Poles and Romanians How about the friend who had to put their dog to sleep? The neighbor who just lost his job. The woman you work with whose mother no longer recognizes her because of Alzheimer's Disease. The lady in your church whose husband left her after decades of marriage. We can't make up for these losses. But we can reflect the character of God. That part of God's character that hates injustice and evil. The part that's kind and compassionate. The part that's gentle. We can be like that for people. The Polish women reflected the character of Jesus with baby strollers they gave away. The Romanians reflected the character of Jesus with the colorful stuffed toy animals they offered up on that cold gray bridge. How you and I reflect the character of God will be entirely different. It will be unique to you and me. What a privilege we have in doing this, whether it's giving away baby strollers or colorful toy animals, or something else. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Since we are created in the image and likeness of God, when people are in need ask the Holy Spirit what you can do to best reflect the character of God to them. And then do what he tells you. As always, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to both reflect and to act that's consistent with how God made each of us in his image. Because when we reflect his image well, we will feel the joy of being and doing what you and I were made for. You Were Made for This. That's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little joy in your relationships this week as you reflect the image and character of God. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now. Related resources Past Episodes of You Were Made for This 149: What Do I Say to Them? 148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 088: Get Them to say “Thank You for Asking” The baby stroller photo Photo of the Ukraine/Romania bridge Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Learning how to listen well is a valuable relational skill. It's an important tool we all need to understand others and to impact their lives for good. Listen in to today's episode where listening well is a matter of life and death. You would think an article about what a hostage negotiator does would focus on what they say to hostage-takers to get them to release the people they've captured. I was surprised to learn in an article I read that succeeding as a hostage negotiator begins with learning how to listen. Today's episode is about helpful ideas we can adopt from this unlikely career to improve our listening skills and deepen our relationships. You're going to like this one, so keep listening. “A Hostage Negotiator's Lesson in Listening” The article I mentioned appeared in The Wall Street Journal several years ago, entitled “A Hostage Negotiator's Lesson in Listening” written by Massada Siegel. It's a short piece that I'll share with you, interjecting a few of my own thoughts. Siegel begins: “Is listening a lost art? On TV news and talk shows, everyone seems to be interrupting one another. Likewise in the political arena. Listening is especially rare on social media, where people are eager to talk and loath to hear other points of view. “So recently I challenged myself to talk less and instead to actively listen, ask more questions, and think about the responses. In particular, everywhere I went I asked people if they feel listened to and if they listen to others. “At a media conference, one lady told me sometimes she gets nervous around new people, so she thinks about what she will say as she listens so that she can be part of the conversation. Another said that she wished people would listen and not respond with a solution, because sometimes she's only looking for a sounding board.” Let me comment on this for a moment. A better way to fit into a conversation I can understand wanting to be part of the conversation. But I think there's a better way than looking like you're listening, when you're actually just rehearsing in your mind what you're going to say when you get a chance to talk. To be “part of the conversation” reminds me of the title of that wonderful book by Cal Newport, So Good They Can't Ignore You. The subtitle is Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love. It's a book every high school graduate or college student should read. The premise of his book is that passion for any area of life doesn't mean much. To be successful in life you need to have skills that are so good, that people can't ignore you. I bet that would work in being “part of the conversation.” To be a conversationalist so good they can't ignore you would mean instead of working to get your voice heard, you would focus on getting other people talking. It would mean saying things like, “Jake, that's interesting. Renee, what do you think about what he said?” And there's the person who said she doesn't want to hear solutions to what she's talking about, she just wants a sounding board. I think someone should write a book about verbal processors like this. I have sympathy for people like that. People who solve their own problems when they slide their thoughts out of their head, onto their tongue, and out into the air where they can hear them. They'll come to their own conclusions when they're able to verbalize them. But I don't have any sympathy for self-centered people who want to hold court to be the center of attention. Though it's hard to tell the difference sometimes Self-described poor listeners Back to the article. “One evening at a restaurant, I struck up a conversation with a couple and asked their opinion. They both said they weren't good listeners and frequently interrupt people because they want to participate in conversations. ‘I talk a lot because I'm insecure and want people to like me,' the husband acknowledged. ‘Ironically, I'm reading lots of leadership books, which all say if you want people to like you, you need to be a better listener.'” Let me stop again. I like the admission of the husband who says he talks too much because he's insecure. Both people readily admit they are poor listeners. Yet they don't appear to have any remorse or willingness to change. Do they perceive listening to be too hard? A few years ago I was giving a talk at a break-out session on how to listen better to each other. The talk was part of a larger conference with a big-name plenary speaker. If I told you who he was everyone listening to this episode would recognize the name. To my surprise, this well-known speaker headlining the conference sat in on my little break-out session, sitting at the back of the room. After I finished my talk he came up to me to say he enjoyed the session, and then said, “I've been told I'm not a very good listener.” He said it with a smile on his face as if to laugh it off as something not all that important. He's a great speaker and has had a stellar career leading several large Christian organizations. But I wonder what it would be like to work for him, this self-admitted poor listener. Learn from a hostage negotiator Well, back to Spiegel's article on how to listen like a hostage negotiator. “Glenn Cohen, who recently retired as chief psychologist and hostage negotiator for the Israel Defense Forces, told me that listening can mean life or death in his line of work. There are five steps to negotiating a hostage's release, he said: the first is listening to the terrorist. “The biggest mistake to make is to jump to the last step, which is behavioral change,” he said. “In a volatile situation where someone's life is on the line, there can be no shortcuts. You must listen, as the hostage-taker is all charged up, emotionally and physically.” I'll stop here again and add that often when we listen to those going through difficulties, we too are looking for a behavioral change in the other person. “Stop what you're doing or thinking and do what I'm suggesting,” is often how it goes. It's usually well-meaning, but advice not asked for can be interpreted as criticism. It can be seen as setting up a power dynamic, “I know more than you.” Back to the article. “‘The hostage-taker has his goal, so you must hear him out and understand want he wants to accomplish,' Mr. Cohen said. ‘As a negotiator, you are looking for a win-win situation, and a hostage-taker needs an opportunity to vent and let off steam, as their adrenaline is pumping as they are in the moment. Unless they unload their demands, they don't have the capacity to hear and consider behavior change.” Listening is an influential skill The author concludes with: “Listening is an influential skill. The more you give others space to talk, the better you understand them and the more willing they are to listen themselves.” In our own conversations with people, it's helpful to think of the person we're talking to as having a goal. We often are too concerned with our own goal, like the person mentioned earlier whose goal was to fit into the conversation. I so appreciate Seigel's comment that “listening is an influential skill.” What a great way to influence people, by listening to them. When we make the effort to learn how to listen we bring out the best in others, and in ourselves. And like any skill, it takes practice. It's never too late to start perfecting how we listen to people. You can start today. So what does all this mean for YOU, and for me? I wonder about the people in your life, and in mine, who while they are not hostage-takers, still would like to have a voice, to be heard. I think of the quiet people in our life who are shy and never say much. You know they'll never take any hostages, but you wonder what they're thinking about. Why don't they ever say much? Why are they so quiet? Maybe their personality has been shaped this way because they don't feel safe with people. They may not trust others. Or maybe they feel people don't care what they're thinking, that they don't have a voice. It's possible when they're with lots of talkers, and they can't get a word in edge-wise, they just give up. Or in gatherings where the topic of conversation changes faster than a ping pong ball in an Olympic table tennis match, they think “what's the use?” My guess is that if we learned how to listen to people like this there would be fewer of them. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Learning how to listen well is a valuable relational skill. It's an important tool we need to understand others and to impact their lives for good. No one is born a good listener. It's something we can learn to deepen our relationships with people. As always, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect on how you could find more joy in your relationships by learning how to listen better to the important people in your life. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with your relationships this week. I'll see you again next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to: 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 065: End With Asking This Important Question 064: Start with this Important Question to Ask 063: Six Reason Why We're not More Curious About People Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

In thinking about how to find joy in difficult circumstances, we need to look no further than the joy found in a relationship in the midst of those circumstances. But it has to be the right relationship. Keep listening to learn how. My mother the queen A few years ago, I had a conversation with our twin grandsons about Queen Elizabeth II of England being the longest-ruling monarch in British history. I mentioned that her son, Prince Charles, will become king when she dies. She's been on the throne for over 70 years, and he just turned 96 last week. The boys wanted to know how old Charles is, so when I told them he is just a few months older than me they responded with, “WHOA! That's not right. The queen should resign and give Charles a chance. It should be his turn now. He's waited way too long to become king!“ I see in Prince Charles a person who represents a lot of us who have aspirations for our lives that are blocked by circumstances beyond our control. How we respond in situations like this will determine how much joy we'll experience in life. It's an important topic and the subject of today's episode, how to find joy no matter what. Obstacles out of our control Some of us can identify with Prince Charles when we've been blocked from getting a job we want because someone else has that position and isn't moving on anytime soon. I saw that all the time during my time running an executive reciting firm. It was a common reason for people to leave one company to join another where their advancement potential was unhindered. Sometimes though, people wanted to leave a job they didn't care for, but couldn't. There may not have been openings with other companies that would pay them what they were currently earning. They may have needed the insurance their current employer offered that others didn't. It was easy to feel trapped in situations like these. To find joy in circumstances like these is a challenge, for sure. And it's not just in job situations where it's hard to find joy when we don't have what we want. There are many other things out of our control that can keep us from our achieving our goals and dreams. I don't need to give you examples. You know what I'm talking about. So what do we do about it? How to cope with difficult circumstances Some people choose to live as victims. Others live a life of resignation devoid of joy. Still others scratch and crawl around the edges of reality trying to change the unchangeable. But then there are others who actually find joy in the difficult circumstances they find themselves in. How do they do it? Here's how: They follow the example of the apostle Paul which we find in his letter to the Philippines, chapter 4. Here's what he wrote: “… for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” The last part of this verse is so often misapplied as a motivational pep talk to achieve ambitious goals of one kind or another. It's viewed sometimes as the “American Dream” verse that if we work hard enough we can achieve just about anything. But that's not the context of this passage. A new perspective on old circumstances The context is being strengthened by Jesus to live with contentment in the midst of current difficult circumstances. It's not about changing those circumstances by trying harder and better. In this passage, I like how Paul describes this important principle as a “secret.” It's not something he is trying to hide from anyone. It's just that the secret is found in his relationship with Jesus Christ. And not everyone is interested in Jesus. He's the last place some people would look to find joy in difficult situations. But Jesus is where Paul gets his strength to be content in whatever circumstance he is in, and this is where he finds joy. And where we can find it too. In challenging circumstances, we often overlook the power of relationships as a source of joy. Here's an example from my recruiting days. Relationships make bad things better I had recruited a high-quality computer guy for a client of mine. I'll call him Joe, I don't recall his actual name, but for the purpose of my story, I'll call him Joe. Joe is my brother's name. Anyway, in vetting Joe for my client's opening, I grilled him about what why he would consider leaving his current employer. He gave me all kinds of reasons why he didn't find joy in his job. As I did with every candidate, I asked what an ideal job would look like for him. Based on what Joe desired in a new job, and his reasons for wanting to leave his current position, I thought he was a good match for my client's opening. So I arranged an interview for Joe. The company thought he was a good fit and better than other candidates they interviewed, so they made him an attractive job offer. I presented the offer to Joe, and he was really pleased. I don't recall all the details, but he was happy to get the offer because he was so dissatisfied with his current position and its lack of advancement potential. It reminds me of Prince Charles who is prevented from advancing to become King of England anytime soon because of the longevity of his mother, Queen Elizabeth. A surprising outcome Joe took a couple of days to consider the job offer from my client, but to my surprise, he turned the offer down. I couldn't believe it. “Joe,” I said. “I can't believe you're turning this offer down. It has just about everything you said you want in a new job. It's a lot more money and a lot more responsibility that you were looking for. It gives you things you don't have now from your company. I don't get it. Why are you turning it down?” “I know, I know. You're right,” Joe said. “Everything you said is true. It is a really good offer and opportunity.” “But the thing is, softball season is going to be starting pretty soon, and I love playing on our company's team. I'm pretty close with my buddies on the team, and I'd hate to give that up. It's really important to me.” So Joe decided to stay at a job he didn't like, that had little or no advancement possibilities, because….relationships with his pals on the softball team brought him joy. These relationships made up for his negative feelings about his job, boss, and company. So what does all this mean for YOU? Now, your job or career may be going along just fine. And maybe all the stars and planets are in perfect alignment and you're living a pretty stress-free life at the moment. But there will come a time when you will face difficult circumstances. So what do you do then? By all means, do what any reasonable person would do to change their circumstances. You have agency in many areas of life. Don't live as a victim. Take control where you have control. Face the fact though, that there will be situations in life where you have no control. You can expend a lot of physical and emotional energy trying to change circumstances that in all likelihood will never improve. Instead of working hard to change your circumstances, a better approach is to see if you can find a measure of joy in them. In the story I just mentioned, Joe found joy in his relationships with the guys on his company's softball team. It made his unsatisfying job tolerable. For the rest of us, we can apply the same principle to challenging circumstances we face. Where things important to us are missing. Where there are things beyond our control. Look for joy in these situations, and look for them in a relationship. A relationship that offers much more than a relationship with people. A relationship with Jesus Christ. Where like the Apostle Paul, we can be content in any circumstance we find ourselves in because Jesus gives us the strength to experience contentment. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode No matter what our circumstances are, no matter how good or bad they are, we can find joy and contentment in them because of our relationship with Jesus Christ who gives us the strength and power to do so. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to reflect on your circumstances and the joy - or lack thereof - you find in them. Where joy abounds be ever so grateful to God. Where joy is lacking, ask him to help you find it in unexpected places. It's what you were made for. You were made for this! That's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with the people who cross your path this week. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 023: Reminding Each Other of Our Own Stories 059: The Last Place You Would Ever Think to Find Joy 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

As our world becomes more and more unstable, our only hope for peace and security comes from letting our roots grow deep down into Jesus. today's episode describes what that looks like. Listen in. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like our world is getting more and more unhinged as the days and months go by. I lived through the ‘60s and early '70s during the Vietnam War, a really unstable time in our history. This era saw the assassination of a US president, the slaying of a presidential candidate, and the murder of the greatest civil rights leader of our time. And to top it off, the leader of the free world was forced out of office because of a scandal he created. Pretty rocky times. There followed a period of relative peace, but ever since the current decade started in 2020, things are becoming more and more unstable and are reminding me of those tumultuous years I lived through earlier in my life. And I don't like it. I bet you don't either. How then are we to cope and live well during times like this? Today's episode tries to answer this question. I'll begin with a story. Bulbs that bloom in the spring Earlier this spring, our daughter sent me some paperwhite narcissus bulbs for my birthday. To grow them you place the bulbs in a shallow bowl of pebbles, propping them up as best you can with small stones, and then add water to the bowl. The roots on the bottom of the bulbs will draw from the water to grow. It's that simple. When they are fully grown their tall spindly branches bloom fragile fragrant white blossoms. They're beautiful. I've grown paperwhites before so I knew what to do, but when I placed these particular bulbs in among the pebbles they were all wobbly and it took some effort to get them situated upright. When they looked as best as I could get them, I added water, set the planter aside, and forgot about them. The wobbly state of the bulbs reminded me of that famous quote from Margaret Thatcher. It was August of 1990 when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and President George H. W. Bush, was considering how the US should respond. Wisdom from the Margret Thatcher, the “Iron Lady” The former British Prime minister advised President Bush with this famous line, “Remember George, this is no time to go wobbly.” Back to my story about the paperwhites. A few days later after adding water to the bowl of bulbs I went to check on them. I thought I might have to straighten them upright again. To my surprise, the bulbs had stabilized themselves and were perfectly straight. I tried to gently move one of them, but it was firmly positioned on top of the stones. It wouldn't budge. I don't know why I would have expected anything different because I've grown this type of bulb before. If you're not familiar with paperwhites you might wonder, how did they stabilize themselves? The answer is found in the roots. Once water was added to the bowl, just enough to cover the bottom of the bulbs, the tiny roots took over. They begin to seek out the water in the crevices between the pebbles in the bowl, and in doing so, the roots grow longer and longer. They wind themselves around the stones and go deeper into the water, all of which secures the bulb on top of the pebbles. What was once wobbly becomes firm, stable, and sure. And the plant begins to grow straight and tall, becoming what it was designed to be. All because of the roots. And just as the original wobbly nature of the bulbs when I first placed them in the bowl of pebbles reminded me of that Margaret Thatcher, “this is no time to go wobbly” quote, the roots reminded me of another quote. It's from the Bible in the Book of Colossians, chapter 4: God's answer to our problem And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Now that the paperwhites are growing, I look at them frequently. No blossoms yet as of this recording. But they will come. I'm actually more intrigued at the moment by the roots and the work they are doing to make the plants grow. They so remind me of what the Bible says about letting our own roots grow down into Jesus. The roots of the paperwhites are largely unseen. They have to wind themselves around the significant obstacles of stones to find that which keeps them alive - water. So it is with our relationship with Jesus. The roots of our individual faith are not obvious to others. They are the internal beliefs, convictions, and values we hold that manifest themself in the face of formidable forces impacting our life. How it works If we let the roots of our faith in Jesus grow down deep into him they will give us life and keep us stable in our increasingly unstable world. When the culture cancels us, when we lose our job, when we get a cancer diagnosis, our roots will keep us upright and stable. When our church marginalizes us, when our spouse betrays us, our roots in Jesus, our deep roots, will keep us alive and even grow us. A stock market decline and our kids getting in trouble will not upend us if we've let our roots go down deep into Jesus. When we see the atrocities of the war in Ukraine on our screens day after day, our roots in Jesus will guide us in responding to this evil. When our car breaks down and we have no money to fix it our roots of faith and trust in Jesus will not send us off the edge. As the unintended consequences of public policy related to Covid begin to rise to the surface, our roots sunk down into Jesus will help us respond to the fractures in our culture that are separating us from each other in destructive ways. So what does all this mean for YOU? There's certainly a lot to be wobbly about with all that's going on in our world. Are you coping the best you can with your own resources? Or are you sinking your roots down into Jesus to depend upon Him for the peace, and stability we all desire? When all manner of obstacles to our peace comes against us, it's not the time to go wobbly. Pay attention to our roots in Jesus. Trust them. Draw strength and wisdom from them. Nurture their deepening growth. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode It's from Colossians 4:6-7, which I will quote again here And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Let me know what you think about all this. I'd love to hear from you. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to think about how you can let your roots go down into Jesus. Doing this will draw you closer to God. It's what you were made for. You were made for this! And while you're doing this, spread a little relational sunshine around this week. It will spark joy in you and the people you meet. That's it for today. I'll see you again soon next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 111: How to Find Rest in Difficult Circumstances 058: How a Crisis Can Bring Out the Best in Us Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

One of the pleasures of summer is taking time to relax with a good book that both entertains and informs. Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss does both. It's a book that will raise your relational intelligence. You would do well to put it on your summer reading list. I review it in today's episode. Get ready for summer Some magazines and newspaper articles will soon be writing pieces about the top ten, or top five, books to put on your summer reading list. I'm not going to put out a list, but I do have a recommendation of one book that I'm pretty sure you will enjoy. It's a non-fiction book that reads like a novel. I found it to be well-written, entertaining, and something that taught me a few things to increase my relationship skills. I'm going to talk about the book in today's episode because I think you're going to find it helpful, too. So keep listening. You're going to like this one. Never Split the Difference - Negotiating as if your life depended on it [NOTE: As an Amazon Associate, Caring for Others, sponsor of this podcast, earns a small commission from qualifying purchases.] The book I'm referring to and reviewing is in some ways a follow-up to episode 154 of this podcast, “How to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator.” The name of the book is Never Split the Difference, with the subtitle Negotiating as if your life depended on it. It's by Chris Voss a former hostage negotiator with the FBI. Now at first glance, you might think a book about hostage negotiation as something not terribly interesting. Becoming a hostage negotiator may not be one of your five-year goals. You're probably not going to suggest it as a career for your children. This book is so much more than that. I first came across the book when I heard the author on a podcast I listened to. The stories he told from his experience in negotiating the release of hostages were fascinating. He got me hooked, so I read his book, Never Split the Difference. I recommend you put it on your summer reading list. Amazon Reviews For this review, I looked on Amazon to see what others who read the book thought of it. At the time I checked, Never Split the Difference had over 23,000 reviews and was number 19 on Amazon's bestseller list. 94% of the ratings were either 4 or 5 stars. The few negative reviews either complained about a printing problem with pages being cut off or blank pages. The other complaint was some readers thought the author was too egotistical and self-promoting. I get that and see a little of it more in the beginning of the book. I'm usually sensitive to this kind of thing, but frankly, it didn't bother me in the least, especially as I got into the book and saw the compassion he had on occasion for people. Other reviews said there were too many stories of negotiating sessions he was involved in and that the book doesn't have much to offer for the rest of us. My perspective, however, is just the opposite. I actually loved the stories because they were well-written, first of all, and secondly, they all illustrated principles of human interaction. The 94% who gave it a 4 or 5-star rating had good reason to do so. The rest of this review is my reasons for recommending you put the book on your summer reading list. Who the book is for If you like stories of good guys going after bad guys you'll like this book for that reason alone. You'll also like it if you're involved in sales or running a business, as I was for 25 years. There are many strategies the author used in hostage negotiation that are applicable in the business world. If you're a parent or interact with other people, you'll find this book helpful. If you plan to ask your boss for a raise, you'll find a few useful suggestions in the book. When you're selling or buying stuff at a garage/rummage/yard sale this book will save you money. Furthermore, and this is most interesting and another reason to put this book on your summer reading list. We have a number of missionaries who listen to this podcast, and if you're one of them, especially if you serve in a part of the world where hostage-taking is not unusual you would do well to read Never Split the Difference. The author was deeply involved in the negotiations to secure the release of New Tribes missionaries Martin and Gracia Burnham held hostage by a radical Islamist group in 2001. He comments at length on what went wrong and calls it the “biggest failure in my professional life.” He talks about it in the first few pages of Chapter 7. It's a tragic story that didn't have to end the way it did. Finally, if you hate conflict, this book is a must-read. Especially the last chapter. There's really good stuff here that you won't find in most other books on dealing with conflict. Structure of the book The paperback version I have is 258 pages in length, which includes a helpful appendix. A footnotes section and index follow. The table of contents lists ten chapters, with a brief phrase that describes each chapter. One of the helpful things about how the book is structured is that except for the first one, each chapter ends with a section he calls “Key Lessons.” It reviews and summarizes the main points the author is trying to get across. I wouldn't recommend reading only this section, as you'll miss the stories the author uses to illustrate each of the key concepts. The book is an easy read for your summer reading list and it won't take long to get through it. The premise of the book The experiences the author shares in hostage negotiations are all interesting and engaging. And there's a heavy dose of that. But more than this, I enjoyed and learned from how he related to people so very different from the kind of people you and I interact with. Reading the book will raise the relational intelligence level of most readers. I've been a student of listening for many years and I learned principles and techniques of listening I have not come across anywhere else. In fact, if I were to teach a college course on listening, this book would be required reading in my syllabus. While I'm waiting for the teaching offers to pour in, I'm content for now to just recommend you put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list. Passages from the book that grabbed me I'll start by sharing some passages from the book that grabbed me, because I think they will grab you, too. One line from the book that I won't soon forget is this question, “How am I supposed to do that?” You can use it when buying a car and the salesman wants you to pay more than you want to pay. I used it when I sold a car for my son when the buyer wanted to pay less than what my son wanted to sell it for. It worked! Our daughter used the same line when she and her husband sold a house they had rehabbed. “How am I supposed to sell the house for X, when we've already put in Y thousands of dollars to fix it up?” It worked for them, too. The author goes into the psychology of why this one question is so effective. I won't go into it here. It's another reason to put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list. The author suggests several other questions in chapter 7 to ask that would be helpful for the parties involved in dealing with marital issues, parenting, and differences between friends, neighbors, and co-workers. I will list them in the show notes, but for now, here they are: What about this is important to you? How can I help make this better for us? How would you like me to proceed? What is it that brought us into this situation? How can we solve this problem? What is the objective?/What are we trying to accomplish here? People who lie to us Following this, in chapter 8, author Chris Voss cites a Harvard University study showing that “on average, liars use more words than truth-tellers and far more third-person pronouns. They start talking about him, her, it. one, they, and their rather than I, in order to put some distance between themselves and the lie.” Throughout the book, the author sprinkles in results of various research studies that show me he's not just shooting from the hip in presenting his arguments. “My name is Chris” Also in chapter 8 is an interesting relational technique I'm going to try sometime. The author writes: “A few years ago I was in a bar in Kansas with a bunch of fellow FBI negotiators. The bar was packed, but I saw one empty chair. I moved toward it but just as I got ready to sit the guy next to it said, ‘Don't even think about it.” “Why? I asked, and he said, “Because I'll kick your …. [I'll stop and let you figure out what part of the anatomy the guy was going to kick].” Back to the author's story. “He was big, burly, and already drunk, but look, I'm a lifelong hostage negotiator - I gravitate toward tense situations that need mediation like a moth to the flame. “I held out my hand to shake his and said, ‘My name is Chris.' “The dude froze. and in the pause my fellow FBI guys moved in, patted him on the shoulders, and offered to buy him a drink. Turned out he was a Vietnam veteran at a particularly low point. He was in a packed bar where the entire world seemed to be celebrating. The only thing he could think of was to fight. But as soon as I became ‘Chris,' everything changed. I just love this story of how he diffused the guy's anger, and how once he knew more of the man's story he viewed him with compassion. It's another reason to put the book on your summer reading list. I've learned over the years that when I see an angry person, there's usually a hurt, sad, or fearful person underneath the angry exterior. The Chris discount The author goes on to tell another story right after the bar incident. He was in a shopping mall and picked out some shirts he wanted to buy. The checkout clerk asked him if he wanted to join their frequent buyer program. “I asked her if I got a discount for joining and she said, ‘No.' “So I decided to try another angle. I said in a friendly manner, ‘My name is Chris. What is the Chris discount?' “She looked from the register, met my eyes, and gave a little laugh. ‘I'll have to ask my manager, Kathy,' she said and turned to the woman who'd been standing next to her. “Kathy, who'd heard the whole exchange, said ‘The best I can do is ten percent.' “Humanize yourself. Use your name to introduce yourself. Say it in a fun, friendly way. Let them enjoy the interaction, too. And get your own special price.” I love this guy's approach. I wish this guy was a neighbor. This second story Chris Voss shared certainly humanizes himself for me. It's a great example of what I've been saying lately at the end of each episode, spread a little relational sunshine this week. Use a little humor. Lighten things up in our relationships. Make people smile every now and then. Bargaining In chapter 9 he tells two stories of how what he learned in hostage negotiation that helped him buy a car that listed for $36,000. He got the dealership to sell it to him for $30,000. He also shared a story of one of his MBA students negotiating a rent decrease after it had just gone up. The Author says this about negotiating that applies to any relationship, “It's not how well you speak, but how well you listen that determines your success.” For me, the most inspiring part of the book comes near the end, in chapter 10: “Every engineer, every executive, every child - all of us want to believe we are capable of the extraordinary. As children, our daydreams feature ourselves as primary players in great moments: an actor winning an Oscar, an athlete hitting the game-winning shot. As we grow older, however, our parents, teachers, and friends talk more of what we can't and shouldn't do than what is possible. We begin to lose faith. A map to joy “But when someone displays a passion for what we've always wanted and conveys a purposeful plan of how to get there, we allow our perceptions of what's possible to change. We're all hungry for a map to joy, and when someone is courageous enough to draw it for us, we naturally follow.” What he says here so reminds me of a text I received a few months ago, completely out of the blue, from a former student of mine decades ago when I was a teacher. Geraldine has stayed in touch with Janet and me over the years and wrote the following: Hi John! I hope this finds you and Janet happy and healthy! I just want to let you know how you inspired my life. I would not be a nurse without you. You told me so many years ago that I was smart enough to go to college. I have touched so many lives because of you. Thank you for that! Sincerely, Geraldine This brought tears to my eyes. Without even knowing it I drew a “map to joy” for her so long ago. I bet many of you have done the same thing for others, too. It's such a great privilege to do so. Conflict Back to the author. He writes: “If this book accomplishes only one thing, I hope it gets you over the fear of conflict and encourages you to navigate it with empathy. If you're going to be great at anything - a great negotiator, a great manager, a great husband, a great wife - you're going to have to do that. You're going to have to ignore that little genie who's telling you to give up, to just get along - as well as that other genie who's telling you to lash out and yell.” And finally, the last few lines near the end of the book read as follows: “… I'm going to leave you with one request: Whether it's in the office or around the family dinner table, don't avoid honest, clear conflict. It will get you the best car price, the higher salary, and the largest donation. It will also save your marriage, your friendship, and your family. “One can only be an exceptional negotiator, and a great person by both listening and speaking clearly and empathically; treating counterparts - and oneself - with dignity and respect; and most of all by being honest about what one wants and what one can - and cannot - do. Every negotiation, every conversation, every moment of life is a series of small conflicts, that managed well, can rise to creative beauty. “Embrace them.” So what does all this mean for YOU? Are you creating a map for joy for anyone? Has anyone done it for you? If so, thank them, even if it's decades later, like Geraldine did for me. Finally, and I hope this is obvious by now, put Never Split the Difference on your summer reading list. If you buy it from Amazon, please use the link I have at the bottom of the show notes. This will generate a very small commission for our missionary Care ministry, Caring for Others. The book won't cost you any more. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Reading Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss will raise your level of relational intelligence in an entertaining way. It will increase your relationship skills and bring more joy into your life. Please let me know what you think about today's episode. I'd love to hear from you. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to get the book Never Split the Difference and put into practice some of the things you heard today. It will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. That's about it for today. Be sure to check out the links at the bottom of the show notes. And remember to spread a little relational sunshine with the people you met this week. Oh, and don't forget to ask for the “John discount.” That's “John with an h.” Let me know how that works for you. Until we meet up again next week, goodbye for now. Related episodes/resources you may want to check out 154: How to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast?- Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss NOTE: As an Amazon Associate, Caring for Others earns a small commission from qualifying purchases. Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Asking people “what's on your mind?,” helps others go beyond sharing news of the superficial events in their life. It deepens relationships. Listen in to learn how. My wife Janet and I have been meeting on and off with a church group of small group leaders. We began meeting just as the Covid pandemic was getting underway in 2020, so our meetings have been more off than on. In a more recent meeting, the group wanted to talk about how can we get people to open up and talk about deeper things going on in their lives? I suggested one question they could ask that I found works in getting people to talk more openly about what's going on within them. It's a question that works equally well in small groups or in a one-on-one conversation. It's a good listening tool, and is the subject of today's episode A good listening tool The question I suggested is this: What's on your mind lately? I don't want to say a lot about this question right now, because I plan to talk in another episode about the back story to this simple question and why it is so effective in getting people to open up. Instead, for our time together today, I want to show how the what's been on your mind? question works. Asking this question usually draws people out to share the deeper things going on in their lives, rather than simply talking about the past week's news as so often happens. While the question is effective in groups and in individual conversations, it also works when we answer the question alone by ourself. It serves to give clarity to what we're experiencing, and a measure of peace as we organize our thoughts and feelings. It's like reorganizing what's in our kitchen cabinets for easier access. To demonstrate, I'm going to answer myself the question, what's on your mind? I encourage you to do the same thing but to write your answers down. That's what I've done. Bullet points or short phrases will do just fine. A Facebook Memory To get started, here's one thing that's on my mind. A Facebook memory I wrote 9 years ago popped up on my computer screen early this morning. Here's what I said back then: “Watching 3 of the grands for a few days. Getting off the bus this afternoon they ran into the house, talking all at once about the fun things they did at school today. Their joy was like the brief moments of sunshine we've had in our otherwise cold, drab, and rainy week. We don't need to turn on the lights. They are enough.” Then this morning I added a Facebook comment to my memory from 2013: The weather's the same today and so are they. Only difference is they're old enough to drive the bus. What's on my mind is how remarkable it is that they still light up my life after the various stages of development each of them has gone through these past nine years. Janet and I have enjoyed every stage of their still-young lives. We still don't need to turn on the lights when they come over. Their light is still enough. We are so blessed that they still want to spend time with us. Answer no. 2 to What's on your mind? Another thing on my mind is these two people, Graham Zale and Ford Schilz. Who are they, you wonder? US Ambassador to Argentina? Pitcher for the New York Yankees? President of IBM? Not yet. Not yet. Graham Zale and Ford Schilz are both babies born to two of my nieces on the same day this year, April 2, 2022. I'm proud of my nieces and their husbands for giving their children, bold strong names that will serve them well into their 80s after they've made their mark in the world. And I'm so happy these boys held off their birth to April 2nd. Imagine the challenge they would have faced had they been born one day earlier. Yikes! They certainly dodged a bullet. So here's to you, Graham Damion Zale and Ford Wyatt Schilz. May you live strong, productive lives in keeping with your names. May your lives finish as well as they've started. Third item on my What's on your mind? list The next thing that's been on my mind is an email I received the other day from Billy, one of my missionary friends. He writes: Good Morning, John and Janet! I wanted to share this picture with you – it's a picture of Will [their 7-year-old son] intently listening to episode #153 of You Were Made for This. He and I both learned to have the ‘ORA' of God's character recognizing and fulfilling others' needs. A message we needed to hear this morning. God Bless you both, we miss you. The “ORA” Billy referred to is Observe-Reflect-Act, that model of relating we've been talking about in this podcast. The photo Billy sent is the one at the top of the show notes for this episode. I talked to Billy about this later and he said his son was glued to the screen of their iPad for the full 10-11 minute length of the episode, listening to my voice speak about what some people in Poland and Romania are doing to care for refugees from Ukraine. Photos tell a story The two photos I showed in the show notes for that episode apparently got his attention: the baby strollers at the train station in Poland and the colorful stuffed toy animals on that grey bridge at the Ukraine/Romania border. What a tender heart that little boy has, I thought, when I first saw the photo of him. Billy's email and photo of Will are still on my mind, making me think how sometimes we sell our children short. That they are capable of more than we give them credit for. Most 7-year-olds are not as sensitive as Will. But they are capable of being so. They can learn to reflect the character of God in their own unique way, just as their parents can. Parents can teach them by being examples themselves. An encouraging email from a missionary parent I can also answer the what's on your mind question by talking about an email I got from another listener to our podcast that is similar to the one I received from my friend Billy. It comes from a listener in Iowa who happens to be the parent of a missionary serving in eastern Europe. She writes: Hi John, I shared your podcast from last Wednesday with the wife of the man who leads our small group at The Mission Church.  She leads a girls Bible study at a ministry in Des Moines called Freedom for Youth.  It is a wonderful ministry (you can google it) to help kids succeed in life. They have help for kids with school work, teach some trade skills and encourage kids of all ages.  She enjoyed your podcast and is using some of the ideas with her girls tonight.  Thought you might like to know. I found this email encouraging on two levels. One is that this Iowa listener thought enough of the podcast to refer it to her friend with the kids' ministry. And secondly, that her friend is using some of the things we talk about on the podcast with the girls she works with. I so appreciate that some people recognize teaching children about relationship principles is important. Encouraging emails like these last two have been on my mind lately, and I am grateful for them. Listening is a relational journey Something else on my mind I've been thinking about is a comment another listener shared with me recently. It was the day Episode 154 aired, “How to Listen Like a Hostage Negotiator.” In his email he writes, John, Thank you again so very much for these podcasts!  Even though I don't often respond, I want to say that Karen and I listen regularly to these podcasts.  They are such gentle, weekly reminders of one powerful truth that I know I need to be reminded of regularly... to LISTEN! Our pastor said at Mia's funeral… I need to stop here for a second. Mia is his granddaughter who was stillborn a few months ago. I talk about it in episode 148, “What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People,” Back to my friend's email. He continues, Our pastor said at Mia's funeral that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a journey to be traveled. That's what I think about listening... it is not a one-and-done practice to conquer... it is a journey to be traveled over a lifetime. Thanks, John, for this weekly reminder of such a critical part of our relational journey with others! I love that phrase, listening is not a one-and-done practice to conquer. It is a journey to be traveled over a lifetime. That thought has been on my mind lately because it gives hope to those of us who struggle with listening. You can listen to a podcast while doing something else There are other things I've been thinking about and are on my mind, but I'll end with just one more. It comes from a listener who emailed me with this thought after listening to a recent episode, I listened this morning while folding laundry - always encouraging and your soothing voice is a great start to the day! Well, that just made me smile picturing her folding laundry while listening to the podcast. That's the wonderful thing about podcasts I've talked about before. You can be doing other things while you listen. Walk the dog, wait in line to pick your kids up from school, drive to work, wait in line at the grocery store, and… while you're folding laundry. All things you can do while listening to a podcast. If you're doing brain surgery, however, save the podcast til later. Or watch one of those how-to YouTube videos instead. So what does all this mean for YOU? Several things, first, what is on your mind? What have you been thinking about lately? What are the things keeping you up at night? Is there anything you wonder about? The challenges or stresses you are facing. The things you're grateful for. What are you looking forward to? Don't dig into your psyche, instead consider top-of-mind issues. Then write them down. You just need to get your thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper. In looking at my answers, I see a lot of positive things that have been on my mind. That's often not the case, but when it is I feel blessed. I hope you'll feel the same way when you give your answers to what's on your mind? Secondly, try asking people in your life, this same question and see what happens. Start conversations with it and see where it takes you. My hunch is what's on your mind? will take you both deeper than just sharing about the events that have happened since you last talked. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Asking people in a group, or individually, “what's on your mind,” helps others go deeper than sharing news of the superficial events in our life. I'd love to hear how this goes for you. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about asking people what's on their mind. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for us. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. In the meantime, spread a little relational sunshine with the people you meet this week. Create some joy. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 153: Two Stories of How to Reflect the Character of God 148: What Not to Say When Bad Things Happen to Good People 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

When we listen to a missionary it often causes us to reflect. Does my life have a larger meaning like there's? Do I see God at work as they do? Listen in to today's show where we hear the story of a couple who changed the trajectory of their lives by leaving the business world to become missionaries. Why this topic at this time? Today's episode is in response to a podcast listener by the name of Patty who said she'd like to hear more interviews with missionaries. I can see why. They are some of the most interesting people around. To talk with a missionary is almost always an interesting conversation. And more than interesting, whenever we truly hear the story of another person, whether they're a missionary or not, it can't help but cause us to reflect upon our own story. For today's show, I interviewed two of my friends, Billy and Laura Borkenhagen, to learn from them and their life-changing missionary story. One thing that's different about today's episode is that I have a word-for-word transcript of my interview in the show notes. It was done using AI - artificial intelligence software. I have been wanting to experiment with this for a while. And if actual transcripts are something you'd like to see more of, please let me know. Okay. Let's get on with it. Interview transcript John: So Laura and Billy, tell us a little bit about your journey to becoming missionaries. I mean, you both had pretty great careers and you left all of that to become missionaries in a camping ministry. Laura, why don't we start with you first? Laura: Sure. So yeah, Billy and I met in college and Billy became an architect and I began working in marketing. We both worked at the Kohler Company for our careers. I even traveled internationally for, a bit of time, which was really fun and fixed up a house. And I, I ran, I started my own photo business and Billy started working downtown in Milwaukee. We had three kids and life was, you know, kind of how I had it planned in my Excel spreadsheet of how I wanted my life to be. Yeah. And so we had taken our family with our three kids up to camp just to attend a winter camp and, just really had a great time. And so the next year we decided to go back and while we were there, I was reading in the dining hall. They have all the missionaries, like a little bio about each one of them and I was reading them. And at the end there was a job posting. I wasn't looking for a job, but I just, in that moment, I knew that that was my job. And that kind of just started a journey of us asking questions. And yeah, it was a bit of a story, but we, we ended up both joining as missionaries at, at Fort wilderness. And now we're here in the north woods. John: Well, tell us a little bit about what camping is at Fort wilderness and what your role is there. Laura: Sure. Fort wilderness is a camping ministry it's in Northern Wisconsin and it really aims to do, do four things. They get people out in God's creation in the outdoors just immersed, in what God's created, gives people God's word. So at all the different camps and retreats, there's always a speaker or, or way for you to hear, hear God's word. And then they use adventure programming. So things like horses and water slides and tubing Hills, and swimming and all sorts of adventure things. And then the fourth one is community. And so, so you're, you're always in Christian community. So it uses those four things and it's year round, summer, winter fall. And then there's camps for families. There are things just for youth where they get dropped off for, for a week or so there's a college age program. And then there's adult programs where it's like, just adults, like a men's retreat or women's retreat. John: So you're doing, you're doing your marketing thing, part-time from your home and Billy's still working in the Milwaukee area as an architect, correct? Laura: Yeah. That's how it started. I, I saw this job posting and I said, Hey, would you consider someone working part-time remote because I'm not moving that was my quote. And funny how, how God, every time I've said I would not do something, I feel like I've done it. John: Yeah. Laura: Yeah. So the, they were like, well, maybe like why? And I was like, well, I'm not interested in moving, but oh, I'd love to like work for Fort. And so they entertained the idea. They're like, sure, like think about it, pray about it. So I applied, I interviewed and I became the first ever remote employee. Working from the Milwaukee area while Billy was working in Milwaukee and the plan, I was willing to raise support as a missionary, but they said, well, we've never had anyone working remotely. So they offered me a six month contract where they paid me and they said at six months, if it works out, then we'll talk about raising support said, okay. So the six month mark comes and, and COVID had hit. And so I, I was not the only remote employee anymore cuz lots of people were working remote at that point. Laura: But the six month mark came and we were up at camp helping out and I was supposed to have this meeting about raising support. But before that meeting Billy's boss approached him and said, Hey,, there's really no job available, but I really need an architect. And you're married to Laura. Like, would you guys consider moving up here and, joining staff. And we were like, um maybe I'm not sure. And so the short story, they sent us home and said pray about it for the next 30 days. And we said yes, after that 30 days, cuz we really felt, felt the Lord every, there was a hundred instances where we felt like, wow, the Lord is just really showing us and opening this door. John: Yeah. And Billy, that was quite a, I mean it was big change for Laura, but, but you actually gave up a pretty great job as an architect. How did, how did that, how did God work in your life to, to do such a thing? Billy: Yeah. I really thought that I would retire at HGA cuz it was a really good firm and my opportunity to work there was pretty unique and through one of my college professors, so I had a good job and I liked it. I think the shortest way I can answer that. The short story is that by a combination of the opportunities at Fort wilderness, the special needs that they had and then some things that God was doing, not only in my life, but in Laura's life, separately, but at the same time. And each of us made it pretty clear to us that this is something that, we should step into. And that was kind of the answer to the prayer that we got. So that's the very short version of that story. I think the longer version is that God had showed me very clearly that we weren't in total control of our lives. Billy: As much as you think you are, as much as you think the way you live or the job you have or the community you're in is giving you some sense of control God had shown us in personal ways that we're actually not in control. And so that put our minds in a place where I think we were willing to consider leaving all of the stuff that we've built up over the years and taking a risk of stepping in, into sort of this unknown role and fulfilling this, what was a, a clear need, but an unknown role for us. And so the timing of that sensation with the open doors and the opportunities and all of that is really what compelled us to seriously pray about it and determined this is where God was leading us. John: Mm yeah. So it's not like you were, you were running away from something that, you know, things are going along pretty well. And, but here is something that was better that God was leading you to. Billy: Yeah,Absolutely. I mean, it's still to be honest, you know, sometimes at our worst we're tempted to think like, man, did we, you know, you get to this point where can't go back and you're like, did we make a mistake? You know, going forward. And yeah. And I think a lot of that is just the enemy tempting us and trying to, you know, keep us from what God's called us into. But yeah, absolutely. It wasn't certainly wasn't running away. In fact it was quite when we came to Fort wilderness, for me personally, I had a lot of support and encouragement from peers and coworkers and even my own supervisor when I left and broke the news to him that I was, you know, gonna be resigning in the next month and talked to him. He this was God's grace. Billy: He had offered that, you know, he is like, he's like, I, I'm not gonna ask you to stay and offer you more money cuz I understand why you're doing this, he's like, but if things don't work out in spring and your support raising, isn't going well, he's like just call me, you know, I could throw some work your way and you could work remotely. Everybody was working remotely at that time. Anyway. So things like that were super helpful and leaving on leaving with good rapport and on good terms is, you know, something you still think about, especially in those moments when you're doubting and you know, wondering, and life is seeming more complicated than it probably should be. John: Yeah. Yeah. Interesting, you know, one definition of a missionary is someone who goes from one culture to another culture to, in some ways spread the good news of Jesus Christ. Now you move from one part of Wisconsin to another part of Wisconsin, but did you notice any cultural differences between where you were living in, in an urban setting compared to ....your smiling ... Um compared to living in the north woods? Tell us about the change in culture. Laura: Yeah, yeah. That's such a good, good question. You know, I think, I think I know that I downplayed this. I was like, and we've, we've had this whole discussion of what is the definition of a missionary and, and there's different ones. You know, at Fort we raise, we raise our support, meaning that our salaries paid to us. We had to talk to our church and friends and family and they support us monthly and that money pays our salary. So you know, that, that was one thought I had and because we were doing that support raising, I was like, yeah, I'm mean, and there isn't really the cultural thing because we're in Wisconsin and we're still gonna be in Wisconsin. And I, I should have, have thought about that more. It's been a drastic cultural change, both from just living in the city to living in the north woods, but also just not being on the corporate world schedule economy. Laura.: It's been challenging. I think mainly because I downplayed it. It was like, it's no, no big deal. We're just moving four hours away. It's no big deal.... And it, it has been a big deal. Mm. And I, you know, John, you told us, you have a lot of people that listen to your podcasts that are missionaries. And so I don't want that to come across as we did something as, as hard as moving to another country. In fact, I'm saying, wow, this has been a struggle. And we moved four hours and I can't imagine someone moved actually to a different our country. Yeah. we, you know didn't have language barriers or, or any of, of those things. So I don't, I don't wanna diminish, I mean yeah. Mm-Hmm, even more strength it must take to, to go to another country. John: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. How about for you, Billy? What, how has the cultural change, affected you or did it,? Billy: Yeah, certainly I think, especially cuz we moved from a pretty tight knit community and we had a lot of overlap between our church community and our living community mm-hmm . And so the people that we'd see and bump into at church on Sunday were also people that we'd see and bump into, you know, walking around sidewalks and we're just kind of doing life together. And that's, so it's a little, it's much more spread out up here just physically and logistically to overlap and to kind of get insights into people's lives or invite people into your lives is just logistically more challenging. So that was a, that's a big thing. I think that just drives sort of a different culture in the way. Probably that people are just and this is, I don't like to make general statements, but are just less accustomed to always being around mm-hmm you and other of people, you know, it's just, it's just kind of, there's a different vibe to it. Billy: But I think to add to what Laura was saying one of the challenges, and maybe this is less about culture is just being, feeling unestablished. I think when you go from a place where you feel established or you built a home and a life and you go to another place, whether that's 30 minutes away or on the other side of the world, there's a part of you. I think that I felt that where we feel like foreigners a little bit, like we're not, we, we didn't grow up here. You know, we haven't, our kids weren't raised here. We don't have the history, we don't know the places. We don't know the landmarks, all the, all the things that make you kind of have this sense of home and establishment, we're trying to piece together and, you know, get a grip on a little bit. So in that sense, maybe that amplifies the, what we perceive as like a difference in cultures from one to the other. But I think, that's a big part of it. John: Mm. Yeah. You know, one of those things that, we talk a lot about on the podcast is relationships. Have you noticed any differences in relationships where you're living now compared to where you were living, where you came from? Are they, are they different? Are they the same? How has your move affected the relationship between the two of you and, you know, your children, your parents? Has that been affected in any way? Billy: Yeah, I think , sometimes there might be the sense that if God's calling you to something and you understand that call and you accept that call, that you've arrived and you've, you've kind of done it and accomplished, you know, like the rest of this story is, and they lived happily ever after, you know, and I think that one of the things I've come to recognize, especially with relationships is that God doesn't, you know, call the equipped, but that he calls everybody, especially us to come here to grow. And so we've, I think that Laura and I, you know, between the two of us have had growth in our relationship, even in the past weeks. And some of that, I contribute to God, specifically pushing us and growing us in areas together as a married couple. And a lot of it has to do with, you know, that whole being established thing. I think that maybe he hasn't let us get too established yet because he does want us to not be too dependent on things. He loves us too much to let us get established in maybe bad routines or things like that. Mm-Hmm so he's working on us and you know, would he have done that? Had we not slipped into this fall? I don't probably, I don't know, but it seems like as we're here specifically, you know, making our work, his work, he's been pretty intentional in growing us as a married couple. John: Mm-Hmm. Yeah. Laura: I think yeah, our relationships have, have definitely every single one has changed. One thing we were talking about just tonight was so we had this great community where we lived and with our church and our neighborhood and Bible studies, we were in, like, we just, we had this great, great community. Right. And like, lots of people knew we were Christians, but yet we become a missionary. Right. And, so now all these friends know that we did this big thing and moved, right. And like Billy said, like, somehow you can feel like you've arrived. And, and cuz people would say that to you like, oh, I could never do that, but I'm so glad you're doing it. Like as if we're all of sudden somehow elevated, which is just not true, God comes to us in our brokenness. But, the really surprising, you know, the sad change is like, of course, like you don't keep in touch as much as you want because we're here now. Laura: And a lot of our relationships where we lived, like everyone walked places, we only had one car and we almost never used it. Like, so you would just run into people and connect with them. And so that's gone, like, you know, you still can text people and call people, but like that daily interaction it's not there. And so that, that was a great, great loss, but this beautiful thing that's come is people, whether they support us financially or not, we'll text us prayer requests. And it's like, I used to talk to you every day and you never asked me to pray for you. but now I'm a missionary. And like, I get the honor of people reaching out and being like, Hey, this is going on. I know you said that we could reach out for prayer you prayed for this. And I was like, wow, like, so that's been a beautiful change in, in the relationship. Mm-Hmm. That I wasn't expecting to be honest, like I was not expecting that at all. So, yeah. John: Cool. And, tell us about your, kids. You got three young kids. What about your relationship with them and their own individual relationships? Can you comment on that? Laura: You know, it was, it was a really big change for them too. And, and for context, our kids, when we moved were, seven, five and three, when we moved and, and I thought, you know, yeah, they've got friends, but they're super young. You know, they're not gonna, I, I didn't think it would be a huge deal, but there was a lot of factors. They were in public school, COVID hit. Then they were home. Then we decided to homeschool. Then we decided to become missionaries. And so they had like major change after major change, after, or major change. So I, I think there's been highs and lows mm-hmm and I think, I think something God's taught me in it is you can plan all you want and pick out, oh, this community is gonna be best for my kids, or this school is gonna be best, or this church home is gonna be best. But at the end of the day, there's not one perfect place to raise kids. And it's gonna be hard whether we're missionaries in the Northwood of Wisconsin or we're in this perfect picked out community. Mm-Hmm because we had picked out, you know, where we lived was because of the schools and the church and the community and, and there's pros and cons to any place you live. And at the end of the day, you have to put the time into parenting and you've got to rely on the Lord. John: Mm-Hmm Laura: I think the Lord's for sure. Been teaching me that since we've been here. John: Yeah. Yeah. Were there any surprises when you started, when you moved? Laura: Was that a yes, no question? The answer is yes. John: . Can you share one ? Billy: Yeah, I don't want, I don't mean this to sound critical or anything. But I think that for some reason, I thought that I worked in the secular world and that the secular world was very secular. And then you come and where I was going to work , you know, is kind of the church and the ministry. And so I had sort of this ideal in my mind about how that would look and function, and honestly you get into it and you start to discover like, oh, wait a minute. There's actually like, people are still people even here. And there's brokenness mm-hmm and there's challenges. And there's, you know, places where maturity is needed or places where maturity is really strong. And so one surprises that I found myself in moments, like looking back and thinking like, wow, actually in some ways I found my, my company that I worked for to be, you know, in moments could be more empathetic and in moments could be more concerning about, you know, like work life balance or stuff like that. Billy: And, again, I don't mean that to sound like a criticism, especially Fort wilderness is an amazing organization. And, you know, I think we're super blessed and impressed with it, but there's just a, you know, a reckoning of the ideals that we sometimes falsely build up in our mind about how, how ministry is gonna be this perfect place. Everyone's gonna be working hand in hand in community. But like, in fact it is work and , it's called work for a reason because it is difficult and people aren't perfect and we aren't perfect. And, but yet by God's grace we all, you know, so somehow come together and do something. John: Yeah. Yeah. Cool. For each of you, what have you found to be some of the more rewarding things about what you do? Billy: Do you wanna go, Laura: You can go first. Billy: Well, I think it's really cool being like I'm, so I'm a registered architect and I'm an architect by trade and been doing that for years. And I came from a firm of, you know, there are 110 people in it and like 80 architects, people who think and work like I do. And we, you know, we understand the craft that we come together around to do. So being, being the only architect now has on one hand challenges, because you don't have the depth of resources you had and you know, you're always kind of comparing yourself to your, your past or your peers, in the industry. But on the other hand it's really cool cuz you feel like, man, I really matter here. Like I really like I'm bringing the skillset that's unique and prepared us for it. And I matter in this role and I, I really feel like I belong here. And so I think that's been rewarding as we've seen projects come together and as we kind of solidify with our teams and you know, work together really well and actually see stuff get done, it's, it's kind of a cool feeling. You feel like you really had a big impact on it. John: Mm-hmm great. Laura: Yeah. And I'd, I'd say I think our unique area of ministry of, what Fort does, family camps in general, the people coming are all Christians to the family camp. Like you come to family camp to have a certain experience and you likely wouldn't sign up to attend a Christian family camp if you're not Christian in general. Right. So, so that part of the ministry people come and they are expecting and willing to talk about deep things because you're the missionary staff. And so, you know, I worked years at the Kohler company and had maybe one spiritual top discussion with a colleague because it's like taboo in the workplace to talk about anything. Right. Spiritual. Yeah. Yeah. And so if to get on that level with someone took years of working with them and it's like, we're up here at camp. And like our first summer I'm like, I just had this incredible conversation and this camper was talking to me about that. Laura: Right. And it's just like happening all over. And so that was like super encouraging. And then the youth camps and all winter, the youth groups come up all winter and, and so that you've got just all sorts of people. Like they're not, not all Christians and they're seeking and so yeah, I've just been, just touched the whole, the whole year. And I, I guess maybe it, it, after working corporate world for a long time, I hope that I never lose that this first year joy that every time campers are there, there's an opportunity for an incredible conversation. Yeah. yeah. Yeah. You know, and, and the flip side of that, honestly, though, John is like, there are days when I'm doing my marketing stuff that I just feel like I'm doing marketing stuff. Right. And, and I think as someone who, this is our first time working in ministry and I, I cringe at that term because you work as a Christian, I think you're always working in ministry. You're just not always being paid. Right. Like, yeah. So I guess I think, you know, we're one year in living up here and, and I'm still, I'm still wrestling through, I think a lot of that of am I, am I doing ministry when I'm plugging away at my computer? Mm-Hmm you know, or is it only when I'm talking with campers? Billy: Yeah. Laura: And there's a guilt in that right. Of like, and then you have camp is fun. So it's like, I never wanna leave because I might miss out on some incredible conversation. And then I'm like, but wait, like this isn't about me. Like God is actually doing the work. So I can go home like, , I can go rest. Right. Billy: It's a bit of an identity crisis at times, because it's like on one hand, I'm, I'm a professional who came from the corporate world and I'm, for me, I'm an architect and I do architect and we drive projects and I know what to do as an architect. So I've got that title. But on the other hand, I'm sort of this, I guess, cliche, missionary title too, you know, it's like, and so I feel like, like you're saying, if I'm doing my architecture stuff really well, it takes a lot of, you know, time and dedication. And I feel like, okay, I'm, I'm being a good architect, but now I'm not being a good mission area because I'm not doing ministry with people and you know, and so then it's like, all right, now, what is mission? What is ministry then? Billy: Is it designing the projects and, you know, making them successful or is it serving lunch with a camper or having the spiritual conversation or preaching, or, you know, where, when I'm an architect one minute, and the next minute i'm a missionary and, you know, maybe, you know, why doe it gotta be so complicated? but, but there's a bit of that where you feel like you're doing one well, and you're neglecting the other, or you're doing the other well, and you're neglecting the first and mm. It's kind of a strange gray area. Cause you're, yeah. You know, you're compared to professionals on one hand, but also this definition of a missionary on the other hand. John: Yeah. That was interesting. What have you learned about yourself? You've been there now? What a year and a half, two years, is it Billy: Deep questions. You know, I think, I think one thing that I've learned is I didn't think that where I lived and the house I had mattered to me as much as it apparently did. I Billy: Hmm. You know, and I think that we were talking a little bit earlier about, you know, this idea of being established and all that, and it's, it's more uncomfortable than I probably thought it would be. You know, I kind of had this idea that I could live. We could live anywhere. You know, we're pretty flexible. We're nimble all this stuff, but it's just weird how these silly thoughts come to you. You like the neighborhood we live in now, demographically is, is much poor, very different, mostly all rentals. Like, so you have, you know, it's, it's not hard to see that there's like a lot of brokenness and the families and things around here. And, you know, in Wauwatosa I think we lived across the street where our next neighbor's house was a $600,000 house. And now , I think the house across the street from us is probably worth $60,000, you know? Billy: So it's like Uh, starkly different. And so you have these dumb thoughts of like, man, my kids, like, what are they gonna grow up understanding of it? You know, like how is this gonna affect them and all this stuff. So I think God has used our living situation to expose idols in our hearts and in his grace has pushed us to deal with those things and to really understand what, you know, what is, what is important. And so I think that's a way that I've seen, I know I've been growing in that. I think we've both been growing in that. Mm. Laura: Yeah. I think the biggest thing I've learned about myself is that I had a lot of deep rooted pride in, in money and my own achievements. Like, like I went to college and, you know, I was a straight A student. And so then you, you get the job and your paycheck comes and you're like, yeah, I deserve that money. In fact, I probably should be paid more because mm-hmm. , I've worked for this and I'm a hard worker and right. Like it, you can just, I mean, I never said those words out loud, but I definitely thought them in my head. And then the Lord leads us to this thing that we have to raise support. Right. And every time, so how it works when we get a paycheck, every paycheck there, we get a sheet in it with all these names and the amount that that person gave in that two week pay period. Laura: Mm. And it's really hard to be prideful when you get a sheet like that every week. And you're like, no, like the reason I get to do this work is because all these people believed that this ministry was worth it and believed that Billy and I were being called to it and are willing to give the funds so that, so I can get paid. And every time I open those little envelopes, I'm like, oh, it's not about me. Like it, like, I just it's. I mean, we've been getting them for a year. Like, and I still can just feel like I need that reminder every two weeks to not be prideful. And I'm like, wow, I had a way bigger pride issue than I thought I had. John: Mm-Hmm. Laura: Like, like, okay, like, you know, and so it gets back to this like dual purpose. It's like, has the Lord called us here because we're, we have skill sets and we have something to offer that Fort needs. Yes. But has he equally called us here because he's working in us and, and through us, like, because we're broken sinful people, like yes. Like both those things are true. Billy: Yeah. Laura: And, I think that's a good place to be, to have both those being true. John: Yeah. What advice would you have for someone who is where you were a year and a half, two years ago? What advice would you have for someone who would be considering leaving a secular job to be, to become a missionary? Billy: I would say that if, if God is really calling you to that, then you can't go wrong and he, he's not calling you because you're equipped and you may, and you may be, and maybe you have a skillset to offer, but it's like, Laura was just saying, he's calling you to equip you. He will equip you. And in ways that are far reaching beyond the actual work that he's calling you to do, mm-hmm,, he's deeply concerned with you. He's deeply concerned with the condition of your heart and he loves you. And that's why he's calling you into it. So if he's, yeah, if you, if he's calling you then do it, but it doesn't mean that the rest of the story is, and they lived happily ever after mm-hmm John: Yes. Billy: He calls us to grow us. Laura: Yeah. I'd echo that. And, and I would also say if you feel the Lord's leading, you, you know, you need to get on your hands and knees and, and make sure that he's, he's the one leading that it's not something in your own mind. And, and I think you do that in prayer. I think you do that in, in his word, you do that by reaching out to, to some really trusted friends, which, you know, John, that, we did that when we were in our, our discernment time period. And for us, all three of those areas in our individual prayer in our time spent in the word and the trusted friends we met with all three pointed to, to going. And at that point we said, yes, we didn't, we didn't ask about the money. Or we were like, well, we can't say no. Now, like, if God has said yes, in all three of those areas, like, I mean, that that's, I that's how we discerned our decision. And so I, I put that time in that discernment process, for sure. John: Yeah. Yeah. Well, this has been great. It's getting going longer than I told you it would go. So I appreciate your appreciate your time. If people wanted to find out more about Fort wilderness, how could they do that? What's the website and all of that. And I'll have it in the show notes too. Laura: Yeah. So it's, it's fortwilderness.com. It's a new website that I had the privilege of working on. So thanks for asking about that, John. John: That's right. I forgot. Yeah. That's a great website. Laura: That's been my big work for the last like eight months. It's not perfect, but, but we did launch the new website and you can find out about the ministry there. You can see the missionaries that are serving there and many are still raising support. Yeah. And you can, you can get in touch with us. We love praying for people and getting to know people so, yeah, that'd be great. John: Mm-Hmm. Good. Well, thanks again. We love you guys and we, we miss you, but we're just really, really excited to see how God is using you for his glory in Northern Wisconsin and all the people that come from all over to learn more about Jesus and you are important parts of that ministry, important parts of facilitating that kind of activity and advancing God's kingdom. So we applaud what you do, that's for sure. So again, thanks for your time. And we will stay in touch. So what does all this mean for YOU? Some of the questions I asked Billy and Laura I found helpful for all of us to ask ourselves How has God led us to what we are doing now? How are relationships impacting our lives? What are the rewarding things about our jobs, or if we're not employed, what's rewarding in the ways we spend our time? What have we learned about ourselves in the last year or two? Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Taking the time to listen to a missionary, to hear their story of how God has led them and is growing them, can inspire us to listen more deeply to God so that we can grow too. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to think about how you can listen to a missionary, or even your friends, to hear their story of how they got to where they are today. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. In the meantime, create a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread some relational sunshine. And I'll see you next time. To check out Fort Wilderness, go to fortwilderness.com Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 143: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 1 144: Initiate with People to Enrich Our Life - Part 2 Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

When we remember the people who made our life better it reminds us of the goodness of God who blessed us with these relationships. It's a way to celebrate Memorial Day in addition to what we traditionally do. Listen in to learn how. For those of you who have been listeners to this podcast for the last year or so you've heard me talk about an easy-to-understand method of enhancing our relationships. It's called the ORA model. Observe - Reflect - Act. I'll have links to a few past episodes if you want to understand ORA in more detail. It's easy to understand, but challenging to put into practice. That's where listening to this podcast over time will help. The “R” component of ORA - Reflect has a key component within it that also starts with “R.” It's Remember. An especially timely relationship skill to consider today in light of the holiday we celebrate in the United States the last Monday in May. Memorial Day. Keep listening to learn more about how the act of remembering can enrich your life. A different kind of Memorial Day I first talked about our American Memorial Day holiday back in episode 28. And I'll be borrowing from it quite heavily in this episode. In the US, this national holiday began after our Civil War in the 1860s when it was called “Decoration Day.” The name comes from the early tradition of decorating graves with flowers, wreaths, and flags. We now call it Memorial Day. A day to remember those who have died in service to their country. It's an important day here in the US, and it happened just a few days ago on May 29 here in 2022. The last I checked, we have listeners to this podcast in 73 countries, and I know many of them to have similar holidays to honor those who have fallen in service to their country in war. When we remember the people who made our lives better by fighting to protect us, it gives us a greater appreciation of the freedoms we have. All this got me thinking that I wonder if we could ever have a worldwide Memorial Day to remember the people who made our life better in other ways. In ways more personal to us. Here's an example of how someone made my life better that I talked about back in episode 28. It's a story about my friend, Ken. A friend from Brazil uses my snowblower Story of my missionary friend, Ken (If you haven't listened to the podcast, I'm sorry but there 's no transcript available for this 4-minute story.) My missionary friend Ken made my life better in more ways than just blowing the 6 inches of snow off my driveway. He showed me that to be a helpful caring person you don't need to ask, “How can I help you?” Just do something you think would be helpful. If Ken had actually asked me, “John, how can I help you?” I don't think it would have occurred to me to answer with “come over and clear our driveway of snow.” He made my life better by being an example - a role model - of how to care for people. He showed me I could be the same kind of person to others. It's not rocket science. More than this, Ken made my life better by giving me a picture of who Jesus is. Blowing the snow off my driveway is something Jesus would have done. He washed the feet of the twelve apostles at the last supper. He would have cleared my driveway of snow, too. I bet you can remember people in your life who have made it better. I'll give you some examples that I will also have listed in the show notes. Remember the people in your life who… gave you money when you really needed it took the blame for something you did, either as a child or an adult believed in you when others didn't, or when you didn't believe in yourself loved you even when you were unlovable taught you how to read. Imagine life today if you didn't know how to read let you off the hook for something you did forgave you gave you a job when others would not hire you was silent when they had every right to chew you out for something you did was a role model for you told you tough things you needed to hear took your side, when everyone else was against you listened to you set their needs aside to meet your needs loved you unconditionally let you win an argument, even though they were right and you were wrong Brought out the best in you chose not to believe the gossip they heard about you asked for your help gave you hope when you had none yourself invited you to dream wanted to hear about your kids and grandkids rejoiced with you in the things you were rejoicing about mourned with you when you were mourning let you talk on and on, without ever shifting the spotlight of the conversation onto them sat in the crowded back seat of the car so you could sit upfront Well, that's my list of people to remember. I can think of someone in each of these categories. How about you? I'd like to hear from you about any I've missed that have made a positive difference in your life. So what does all this mean for YOU? It is so easy to forget the people who have made our life better. It takes practice to remember them and there's no better time to practice than this time around Memorial Day when we remember those who have made a positive impact on our life. In taking time to pause and remember the blessings of our relationships, we acknowledge God's love for us by sending just the right people, at just the right time, to do just the right thing that we needed. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Remembering the people who made our life better causes us to reflect upon the goodness of God who blessed us with these relationships. It reminds us we can make life better for someone else - even in very small ways - just as others have done for us. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to reflect upon the people who made a positive impact on your life. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to spark a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread some relational sunshine around. And I'll see you next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 002: The Gift of a Background Relationship Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

God is a relational being who created us in His image. It is why we are made for relationships. They are what give our life joy and meaning. Listen in to learn how. I'm a big fan of Ken Burns and the documentaries he produces. His most recent one, which aired on PBS, was about the life of Benjamin Franklin. This founding father of the United States is remembered for a number of things. He helped write the Declaration of Independence and is credited with inventing the Franklin stove, bifocal eyeglasses, and the rocking chair. When I saw the Ken Burns documentary, it reminded me of an episode I did several years ago, episode 32, that among other things talked about what Ben Franklin did to deal with the loneliness he was experiencing in his 20s. It fascinated me because loneliness is certainly a relationship concern here in the 21st century. Franklin's solution to his loneliness was part of a larger discussion in that episode about what our purpose is here on earth. What are we made for? I suggested and still believe strongly, that we are made for relationships. Because this is such an important topic I thought it would be helpful to rewind parts of that earlier episode for today's show. We'll start by looking at the biblical basis for the importance of relationships. Why relationships are important In the 1st chapter of the 1st book of the Bible, Genesis, we learn that all of mankind is made in the image of God. We also learn that God is a relational God, with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit of the Trinity interacting with each other. So since we are created in the image of God, and since God is relational, we are to be relational as well. As people of faith, we are to reflect God's image in all our relationships. We were made for this. In living as an image-bearer of God we can make a contribution and difference in the world through our relationships. We were made for this. It gives glory to God as we imitate this relational quality of his, especially when we do it well. We were made for this. When Jesus was asked by the religious leaders of the day what the greatest commandment was, what was the most important thing anyone could do, he responded with “You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.” He said everything we are to do in life is summed up in these two commandments. That is what we are made for. We are made for relationships (Matthew 22:36-39). Relationships are what our podcast is all about If you've been around here for a while and ever wondered about our podcast name, You Were Made for This, I hope by you realize that Relationships are the THIS we are made for. We were all made for relationships. This podcast is designed to equip people to make their relationships the best they can possibly be. The 31 episodes from season one were created to give people tools and ways of thinking they can use to enhance their relationships because on so many levels, it's our relationships that give our life meaning and purpose. So for today let's consider relationships in terms of the THIS we were made for. We'll use T.H.I.S as an acronym to describe four important qualities that will transform our relationships into the best they can be. I'll be making some comments and observations about each of them. T.H.I.S T - Transcendence To be transcendent in our relationships means to exceed our natural inclination as a human being to be self-centered, where our inherent goal is to do whatever we have to do to meet our needs and desires. To be transcendent is to move past our focus on self, to focus on others instead. It's to go beyond “conforming to the pattern of this world” that the Apostle Paul talks about in Romans 12: 2. When we see our life as a relational one, it acknowledges our need for something outside of ourselves. It's to admit vulnerability, which can be scary for some. It's to admit we have needs we cannot meet ourselves. Maintaining good relationships is a means of worship for any person of faith. Romans 12 tells us we are to present our entire personhood to God as an act of worship. And this includes our relationships. Three relationships are discussed in the 17 verses of this chapter. Our relationship with God. Our relationship with ourselves. And our relationship with each other; with other people. We can influence the world and make it a better place through our relationships. People are watching. We model for them what good relationships look like and the rewards that come with relating well. To transform relationship requires change on our part. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves. Don't expect any transformation my reacting. Expect Transformations when WE change. H - Honor One of the most relational verses of the Bible is found in the Apostle Paul's letter to the Romans, chapter 12, verse 10: “Take delight in honoring each other.” (NLT) Notice the “delight!” We honor someone when we listen to them, which is sorely lacking in today's culture We honor people when we try to bring out the best in them. For when we bring out the best in others we bring out the best in ourselves. It's one way we experience joyful, life-giving relationships. We honor our relationship with another person when we humbly acknowledge our weaknesses and relational skills, and work to hone those skills for the sake of the relationship. We honor the difficult relationships in our lives when we allow people to experience the consequences of their choices, even when we see how those choices are so harmful to the person making them. I - Initiate Because of the fall, relationships are not as life-giving as they could be. But these relationships can be transformed. Relationships by and large are transformed when we take action, when we take initiative, rather than waiting for someone to initiate with us We were made to take the initiative in our relationships, regardless of how other parties in that relationship may or may not respond. Cal Newport, in his latest book, Digital Minimalism, tells an interesting story about taking initiative in relationships. You'll find a link to the book at the end of the show notes. Apparently relationships were important to one of the founding fathers of the United States, Benjamin Franklin. In 1727 he returned from London, to live in his newly adopted home of Philadelphia. He was from Boston and had no social connections in the City of Brotherly Love. Only 21 at the time, Franklin soon discovered he wasn't feeling the love in Philadelphia. But rather than waiting for relationships to come to him, he created his own network of relationships he called the Junto Social Club. It had 12 members, from various walks of life, who met every Friday evening for 38 years to discuss the social issues of the day. Franklin acts What is important in this story is that Franklin initiated. He stepped out. What if all lonely people did this? What if we all initiated like this? There are elements of our culture, however, that run counter to the notion of taking initiative in relationships. One of them is the online world of digital technology. In Digital Minimalism, Newport quotes MIT professor Shirley Turkle who makes the distinction between connection (online interactions) and conversation (real-world encounters between human beings). "Face-to-face conversation is the most human-and humanizing-thing we do. Fully present to one another, we learn to listen. It's where we develop the capacity for empathy. It's where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood.” Newport and Turtle argue that it is only analog interactions that move the needle in relationship development. “Digital interactions miss the nuances of face-to-face interactions or voice-to-voice communication Absent are the tone of voice, facial expressions. Conversation is what counts.” page 154 S - Self-less Service [re: Junto society of Benjamin Franklin's] Franklin structured their meetings around 24 questions. Here are 3 of them: 13. Do you know of any deserving young beginner lately set up, whom it lies in the power of the Junto any way to encourage? 14. Is there any man whose friendship you want, and which the Junto, or any of them, can procure for you? 21. Have you any weighty affair in hand, in which you think the advice of the Junto may be of service? Noticed how other-centered and service-oriented these questions are. Franklin's initiative in starting the Junto Club also comes out of his self-awareness of his need for relationships. Results a listener could expect if they implemented my solution Imagine what our life would be like a year from now if we implemented the T.H.I.S principles (transcendence, honoring others, taking the initiative, and self-less service)? Imagine the fulfillment you would find in your transformed relationships. Also, imagine if we did nothing. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten. If we were to engage in our relationships in terms of these 4 qualities, (transcendence, honoring others, taking the initiative, and selfless service). The more we exhibit these qualities in our relationships, the more life-giving and fulfilling they will be. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode You were made for T.H.I.S. - Relationships that: transcend our natural inclination to focus on self, that honor others as we strive to bring out the best in people, where we initiate by reaching out beyond ourselves, and where we selflessly serve other people. So what does all this mean for YOU? I hope by now you appreciate the importance of relationships. And if that's the case for you, shouldn't we then make every effort to make them the best they can be? I suggest starting with looking at the transcendent quality of just one of your relationships. How can you relate more in a way that bears the image of God well? What are some ways you can relate that give people a picture of part of the character of God? You can do this. I know you can. Closing In closing, I hope you're convinced by now that we are made for relationships. The T.H.I.S. model we talked about back several years ago in episode 32 is still true today. It's a useful tool for helping us find more joy in our relationships as we reflect the character of God. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to create a little joy for the people you meet this week. Spread around some relational sunshine. And I'll see you again next time. Resources related to this episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Digital Minimalism - Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World, by Cal Newport Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

The best Father's Day gift for 2022 won't cost you any money. It's a great gift for the man who has everything. Listen in to learn what it is. A Father's Day setback I don't know about you, but I sure appreciate Carol's cheery introduction every week. Especially on days like today when I'm feeling a bit ornery. I've been like this for a couple of days ever since I got an email about Father's Day, which here in the US will be upon us in just four days. I had been looking forward to talking about the best Father's Day gift for 2022, but this email I got pushed me back a little. Here I was excited about sharing this Father's Day gift idea because it solves the problem of what to get Dad when he already has everything. I'll get into that, but first I have to get this troublesome email off my chest first. A disturbing email Not too long ago I signed up for a free account with Canva, an Australian-based software company that helps people design social media graphics, presentations, posters, documents, etc. It's kind of like Graphic Design for Dummies. It has lots of templates, and I used one for a gift certificate a while back. If you're interested in this for yourself, you can go to canva.com. I get occasional emails from them, one of which arrived on On May 22nd, about a month before Father's Day. The subject line read, “Would you rather opt out of Father's Day emails?” It went on to say Father's Day is coming up and we know it can be a difficult day for many. That's why we want to offer the option to opt out of Father's Day emails from us. And then it gave directions on how to opt out. Troublesome Assumptions Father's Day is difficult for Many? Really? For a few, I'm sure. For some, you bet. But Many? And how could the mention of Father's Day be troubling? A loving father who's died and is dearly missed, perhaps? But I don't get that sense at all. I could be all wrong about this, but I find in this email an underlying and troublesome assumption. Sure, I can understand Father's day triggering memories of abuse by one's father, but are we that weak that we need to censure emails to protect us from bad memories? I don't think so. The email assumes many of us are victims, which I find distasteful. A bad dad may be part of our story, but it doesn't have to be an active part. No matter how rotten a father we had, we can celebrate all the far more numerous good fathers that other people have been blessed with. Father's Day isn't just about us. I find the email patronizing and condescending. It's subtle, but it seems like fathers have become yet another group maligned in today's cancel culture. I don't recall getting a similar email from Canva in the days leading up to Mother's day last month. It's hard being a man in these times. For a more balanced view of good men who become fathers, listen to episode 135, “Christmas With a Good Man Brings Joy.” It's about Joseph, the early father of Jesus. It's one of my favorites. I'll have a link to it at the bottom of the show notes, along with other related episodes mentioned here. 2nd runner up to the best Father's Day gift of 2022 Before I reveal the best Father's Day gift of the year, here are the runners-up. In third place: Marcel Marceau sings ….. Classic Rock Songs From the ‘90s. Carol, my boss, and executive producer is a big Marcel Marceau fan. For Christmas one year she gave me Marcel Marceau Sings Famous Broadway Show Tunes. The CD she gave me must have been scratched because it was hard to hear. For music-loving fathers, Classic Rock Songs From the 90s by Marcel Marceau would be a good choice. 1st runner up to the Best Father's Day gift of 2022 The second-best Father's Day gift for 2022 and first runner-up is actually a real gift most dads would love. It's a wallet from Pro Style Sports made of the same leather as used in making baseballs. I've had one for 4 years. It's the best wallet I've ever had. I just bought another one in case they stop making this model. Genuine baseball leather. So many compliments when I take it to pay a bill. The smell. Well-made. Cleans easily. The patina over time is authentic. You can buy it on Amazon by clicking on this link: https://amzn.to/3twCsrl. It will generate a small commission for the sponsor of this podcast, Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. If you already bought him a gift, buy him this wallet for Christmas. The winner: Best Father's Day Gift for 2022 Ask your father questions about his life. Talk to your dad, tell him you want to learn more of his story. Come up with a few questions ahead of time based on the initial question of “What might it be like to be my father?' If your father is deceased or estranged from you. Talk to another father, learn his story. If your son is now a father, take off your “That's my boy” sunglasses, and look at him as a father. If you're new to the podcast, you'll find a more detailed explanation of how to ask questions in episodes 64 and 65. It will honor your father, It could draw him closer to you. I wished I would have asked my father more questions. I think I was afraid of him. Tennis. The War. Growing up without a father. Ice skating - who taught him all that stuff. His half-sister, my Aunt Jo, etc. He's gone now and my questions remain unanswered. Inquiry into your father's life will not only honor him, but it will give you a greater understanding of your dad. Even if he was the bad father my disturbing email was suggesting. Understanding the story of your bad father will help you forgive, if there's something needing forgiveness. This Best Father's Day gift of 2022 won't cost you any money, but it will cost you some time, and perhaps a bit of your heart. And it's a gift you can give your dad year-round. Even for Christmas So what does all this mean for YOU? The best gift we can give anyone is to be curious about their story. Everyone has one, you know. When we inquire about a person's life for the purpose of understanding them better we honor them. It will bring out the best in you. It will bring out the best in them. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode The best Father's Day gift in 2022 is to be curious about your Dad by asking him questions about his life. Listening to his story honors him, and it will help deepen your relationship with him. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard. Exercise your curiosity muscles by getting to know your father better. I can assure you, you don't know him as well as you think you do. But it's not too late to start now. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because as you know, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you next time. Resources mentioned in this episode Wallet gift for Father's Day: https://amzn.to/3twCsrl. Related episodes you may want to listen to: 135: Christmas With A Good Man Brings Joy 064: Start With This Important Question to Ask 065: End With Asking This Important Question 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. We are supported by the generosity of people like you to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Three events in today's news from around the world remind me of what you and I need most in the troubled times in which we live. It's the subject of today's show where I talk about a relationship thread that connects all three of these stories: The horrific murder of 19 fourth graders in Uvalde, Texas Celebration of Queen Elizabeth's Platinum Jubilee in England Anniversary of the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France 78 years ago Keep listening because you'll hear where to find what you and I need most in today's world. What's true here in June 2022 as I record this will be true in 2052 and every year following. It's part of the human condition. The Uvalde, Texas shooting I'll start with an article Peggy Noonan wrote in the Wall Street Journal shortly after the shooting in Uvalde, Texas. It's a blistering piece of fire-breathing anger at the police on the scene who stood around for 45 minutes outside the school while the killer inside gunned down children in their classroom. The failure of the police to storm the building to take out the murderer is contemptible, says Noonan. Young children were calling 911 from their cell phones while the police did nothing. They called for help but none came. One of the things I appreciate about Peggy Noonan is her ability to look at events in their larger context and to find meaning in them that goes beyond the immediate. She ends her article with the following: “I close with a thought tugging around in my brain. I think I am seeing a broad and general decline in professionalism in America, a deterioration of our pride in concepts like rigor and excellence. Jan. 6 comes and law enforcement agencies are weak and unprepared and the U.S. Capital falls to a small army of mooks [stupid or incompetent person]. Afghanistan and the departure that was really a collapse, all traceable to the incompetence of diplomatic and military leadership. It's like everyone's forgotten the mission. “I'm not saying, ‘Oh, America was once so wonderful and now it's not.' I'm saying we are losing old habits of discipline and pride in expertise - of peerlessness. There was a kind of American gleam. If the world called on us - in business, the arts, the military, diplomacy, science - they knew they were going to get help. The grown-ups had arrived with their deep competence. The larger meaning found in the Texas tragedy “America now feels more like the people who took the Expedited Three Month Training Course and got the security badge and went to work and formed an affinity group to advocate for change. A people who love to talk, endlessly, about sensitivity, yet aren't sensitive enough to save children bleeding out on the other side of the door. “I fear that as people we're becoming not only increasingly unimpressive but increasingly unlovable. “My God, I've never seen a country so in need of a hero.” - Peggy Noonan, June 4, 2022, Wall Street Journal, page A15 Let that last line sink in for a minute, My God, I've never seen a country so in need of a hero. It's Noonan's take on what you and I need most right now. I'm going to come back to this in a little bit. The second event - Queen Elizabeth's Platinum Jubilee In contrast to the implications of the murders in Texas, we had the Platinum Jubilee celebration in England for Queen Elizabeth II. It was to honor her for the 70 years she's been the queen, and for becoming the longest-ruling monarch in British - and European - history. Is there anyone who doesn't like Queen Elizabeth? I saw a few TV clips of the Jubilee event and all the commentators talked about the hundreds of thousands of Brits who turned out for this 4-day celebration to cheer on the queen. In watching this, I couldn't help but think of Peggy Noonan's quote about America, “I've never seen a country so in need of a hero.” Could it be that Queen Elizabeth is the hero England needs? She doesn't have any political power. She can't set polices for the country. Yet she he is so dearly loved . Why? My sense is that she is stability personified in the otherwise unstable world we live in. She is a continuation of the monarchy that's been part of British history for over a thousand years. The Queen's appeal Her appeal is even more winsome when you consider the dysfunction of the Royal Family. There's Prince Charles and his messy divorce with the oh-so-popular Princess Diana and his related affair with Camila. There's the scandal with the queen's other son, Prince Andrew. And of course, the current mess with Harry and Megan throwing the Royal Family under the bus. Yet Queen Elizabeth stays out of the public fray of it all. You've got to admire a queen like this. The family she presides over isn't all that different than some of our own families. Is someone like Queen Elizabeth what you and I need most right now? Before I answer, there's one more worldwide event to consider. One that connects with the Peggy Noonan article about the shooting in Uvalde, Texas, and Queen Elizabeth's Platinum Jubilee. 78th Anniversary of D-Day This month, here in 2022, marks the 78th anniversary of D-Day, the invasion of Normandy, which marked the beginning of the end of World War II. This year's anniversary had a different twist to it that I had not seen or heard of before. Several years ago, in rare bi-partisan support, Congress approved an addition to the WWII memorial in Washington, D.C. Construction will begin next month, in July 2022, on the D-Day Prayer Project. On June 6, 1944, at At 9:57 pm, President Franklin Roosevelt addressed the nation on radio, announcing the D-Day invasion that began earlier that day. He encouraged everyone to join him in prayer about the invasion.  It will be added to the WWII memorial. It's not too long, so I will read it to you. It was what the world needed most on June 6, 1944. And it is certainly what you and I need most now. As I read the prayer, look past the specifics of that war-time need, and instead think about the appeal to a person outside of ourselves to meet our needs when things are looking terrible. That's the point. Here's the prayer: FDR's prayer My fellow Americans: Last night, when I spoke with you about the fall of Rome, I knew at that moment that troops of the United States and our allies were crossing the Channel in another and greater operation. It has come to pass with success thus far. And so, in this poignant hour, I ask you to join with me in prayer: Almighty God: Our sons, pride of our Nation, this day have set upon a mighty endeavor, a struggle to preserve our Republic, our religion, and our civilization, and to set free a suffering humanity. Lead them straight and true; give strength to their arms, stoutness to their hearts, steadfastness in their faith. They will need Thy blessings. Their road will be long and hard. For the enemy is strong. He may hurl back our forces. Success may not come with rushing speed, but we shall return again and again; and we know that by Thy grace, and by the righteousness of our cause, our sons will triumph. They will be sore tried, by night and by day, without rest-until the victory is won. The darkness will be rent by noise and flame. Men's souls will be shaken with the violences of war. For these men are lately drawn from the ways of peace. They fight not for the lust of conquest. They fight to end conquest. They fight to liberate. They fight to let justice arise, and tolerance and good will among all Thy people. They yearn but for the end of battle, for their return to the haven of home. Some will never return. Embrace these, Father, and receive them, Thy heroic servants, into Thy kingdom. Pray for ourselves And for us at home - fathers, mothers, children, wives, sisters, and brothers of brave men overseas - whose thoughts and prayers are ever with them - help us, Almighty God, to rededicate ourselves in renewed faith in Thee in this hour of great sacrifice. Many people have urged that I call the Nation into a single day of special prayer. But because the road is long and the desire is great, I ask that our people devote themselves in a continuance of prayer. As we rise to each new day, and again when each day is spent, let words of prayer be on our lips, invoking Thy help to our efforts. Give us strength, too - strength in our daily tasks, to redouble the contributions we make in the physical and the material support of our armed forces. And let our hearts be stout, to wait out the long travail, to bear sorrows that may come, to impart our courage unto our sons wheresoever they may be. Give us faith And, O Lord, give us Faith. Give us Faith in Thee; faith in our sons; faith in each other; and faith in our united crusade. Let not the keenness of our spirit ever be dulled. Let not the impacts of temporary events, of temporal matters of but fleeting moment let not these deter us in our unconquerable purpose. With Thy blessing, we shall prevail over the unholy forces of our enemy. Help us to conquer the apostles of greed and racial arrogancies. Lead us to the saving of our country, and with our sister Nations into a world unity that will spell a sure peace a peace invulnerable to the schemings of unworthy men. And a peace that will let all of men live in freedom, reaping the just rewards of their honest toil. Thy will be done, Almighty God. Amen. What you and I need Most Let's return now to the three events I mentioned in the beginning and consider the theme they all touch on. The elementary school killing of 19 young children in Uvalde, Texas Queen Elizabeth and her Platinum Jubilee celebration in England Anniversary of the D-Day invasion of Normandy, France The thread that ties these events together is the need for someone or something outside of ourselves to get us out of a mess, to give us a sense of stability that things are going to be okay, no matter what. Like the trapped 4th graders in that Uvalde Texas classroom, we all need someone to rescue us. In our case, to rescue us from ourselves. We need stability in our lives. We need someone like Queen Elizabeth who has been giving 70 years of her life to serving her subjects, with no intention of stopping. Someone so deeply committed to us. Someone beyond ourselves. We need God like the allied forces needed on D-Day. Like FDR who called upon us to pray to defeat that which seeks to destroy us. So what does all this mean for YOU? It is easier to understand how we need to be saved from forces outside of ourselves like evil people. It's harder to understand how at times we need to be saved from ourselves. What we need most, in either case, is Jesus. In the Gospel of John, chapter 6, some of the disciples of Jesus begin to desert him. It prompts Jesus to say to his 12 apostles, “Are you going to leave, too?” Peter replies and says in effect, Where else would we go? You are the only one who gives life.” Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode We all need to be rescued from something. Often it's to be rescued from ourselves. So the rescue must come from someone outside of us. Thankfully, what we need most is right in front of us. Just look and you'll find Jesus there. Ready to rescue. As always, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to call upon him to calm your heart in light of the troubled times in which we live. To ask him to save you from your fears, idiosyncrasies, and dysfunctions whatever they may be. And to replace them with the peace only he can provide. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of your relationship with God. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Please tell others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 021: The Most Important Relationship of All 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

When it comes to relationships, there's a difference between nosey people and those who are genuinely curious about others. Avoid the former and learn how to become the latter. It's what today's episode is all about. The best Father's Day gift for 2022 A few weeks ago in the episode about The Best Father's Day gift for 2022, I mentioned that this best gift is to ask your father questions about his life. And if you have a son who's a father, ask him questions about his life. It's one of the best gifts you can give anyone. Because we don't know people nearly as well as we think we do. If you missed that show you can find it at  john certalic.com/162. I've given lots of talks in workshops on how asking people questions can deepen relationships. But there's always an issue that someone in the audience invariably brings up. I'm going to deal with this issue in today's show. And if you hang around to the end I'll also give you a useful tip on how to answer an awkward question that comes out of nowhere that puts you ill at ease. But before we get into all this here's Carol: Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic. Hey, thank you, Carol. And hello everyone! I'm glad you've joined us today for episode 165, “Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them.“ If you're new to the podcast and like what you hear, I encourage you to follow the show by going to my website, JohnCertalic.com, and then click on the “follow” or “subscribe” button. Why don't we ask meaningful questions of each other? I've mentioned in a number of episodes before the powerful impact asking questions of each other has in drawing people closer together. There's also a downside to question asking, which I've also discussed, but we won't get into that today. Instead, I am going to talk about an objection I often hear about asking questions of people. I first talked about it in episode 63. We're reluctant to ask meaningful questions of each other, for fear of being perceived as “nosey.” I find this reason for our lack of curiosity to be most interesting to me. As I mentioned before, in workshops I give on this subject, invariably someone will ask something along the lines of: “But if I ask questions of people close to me, won't they think I'm just being nosey? I was always taught ‘If someone wants you to know something about them, they will tell you.'” A culture of secrets This is one of those “exception” questions that often come up in workshops. It's usually from someone in the crowd who disagrees with what the presenter is saying, or who wants to hijack the direction the speaker is taking with his or her own agenda. Or it's someone who just loves to hear himself talk. The “I have always believed if people wanted you to know they'd tell you” comment reveals a person who often comes from a background or culture of secrets. They hold things close to the vest. Their theme song is we need to be private, and we mustn't invade the privacy of others. You find this dynamic in people who grew up in families where there was addiction, sexual abuse, or other dysfunctions. All of this raises the question of what's the difference between nosey people and those genuinely curious about others? I posted this question on Facebook a few years ago and here are a few answers I received: Listener responses Rita. Curious people genuinely empathize with others and what they learn about them. They delight in, rejoice over, wonder further, grieve with...in order to grow deeper in a relationship. Nosiness satisfies a fleshly yearning to know more, not to know better. Joan. I think nosey people ask questions about situations or things that have happened, like in the neighborhood or even in family situations that they need to know so they can then pass it on and gossip. I think a genuinely curious person wants to know about you, your feelings, and situations that are true to the core of your being. They want to make sure you are ok and demonstrate care and concern out of love. A curious person will share of themselves and maybe share a situation that they themselves have experienced. Curious is more heart-centered, nosey is more informational. Rob. I cannot add much to the above. I always referred to myself as being nosey when I asked people questions. Recently I was corrected by someone who told me I was curious and should use that word. I think that is true because I do not just want information but want to know something about that person. People are interesting and we do like to talk about ourselves. At least I do! Other reasons we may not ask meaningful questions of others There is an element of culture and personality to this issue, too. Some cultures around the world are very private, and there are others where personal privacy is non-existent. Personality is part of it too. I've found that the more extroverted among us don't even think about what questions to ask others. While the introverted, think of questions but are too shy to ask them. It's hard for them to be nosey. Here are a few more of my thoughts on the differences between nosey and curious: Am I being nosey or curious? Nosey people don't enrich your life. Curious people do. Nosey is the cousin of gossip. They are close relatives. Nosey people ask so they can evaluate others and compare. Curious people ask to understand. Curiosity requires something of us. Nosiness doesn't. Being nosey separates us. Curiosity brings us together. Nosey people assume there is a deeper relationship than actually exists Nosey people often use information they gain from you against you. Curious people use information they get from you for you. Finally, I've come to the conclusion that our fear of being nosey in our relationships is usually just a cop-out. Just an excuse to get us off the hook from failing to honor people by wanting to understand what life is like for them. Here are 6 benefits of being curious enough to ask people questions about themselves It gets us out of our self-focused life to see the wonder of what God has created in the life of another. It draws us closer to God as we better understand our brothers and sisters created in his image. For when we see how much God loves someone else, warts and all, it makes us appreciate God all the more. Asking questions of others opens doors for deeper connections with them. It's a great remedy for depression and loneliness. When we understand people better because of how they answer our questions, it causes us to be grateful for what we have, that others do not. Being curious enough to ask people questions draws out the experience and wisdom from the quiet introverts among us. We can learn from other people's mistakes when we understand them better. So what does all this mean for YOU? Two things. Question your questions. Are you asking them to better understand people and deepen your relationship with them? Or are you asking questions just to be nosey? Secondly, don't let your fear of being nosey hold you back from asking a meaningful question of a friend. Become more curious about the important people in your life. It will draw you closer to them. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Being nosey weakens a relationship, being curious strengthens it. For added measure, I'll throw in this related quote from Ruth Haley Barton Sometimes the questions we ask are more important than the answers we think we know. Final takeaway: How to answer a question that catches you off guard Have you ever been caught off guard by a question someone asks you? A question that surprises you, puts you on the defensive, or in some way is inappropriate? Here's an effective way you can respond. Simply ask the questioner, “Why do you ask?” It will take the spot light off you and shine it back on the other person. It will buy you time in trying to figure out where the conversation is going so you can decide if you want to go there. Answer a question with a question. Jesus did it all the time. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to ask meaningful questions of people you want to understand better. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 063: Six Reasons Why We're not More Curious About People, and What We're Missing as a Result 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

For some time now I've been ending each episode by encouraging you to spread a little relational sunshine with the people you meet. Today's episode gives you some examples of what this looks like. It will give you some ideas you can try out on your own. She got me when she called me “sweetheart” I'll begin with a story of relational sunshine that happened to me recently at the drive-through window of Wendy's. Not exactly a place I can say I've ever experienced the warm rays of relational sunshine before. It's usually been more a place of darkened skies with heavy fog rolling in. But this day was different. When I got to the window and paid my bill a middle-aged woman with black horned-rim glasses leaned out the window a bit, handed me my food, and said with a really big smile, “Here you go sweetheart. Now you go have a great rest of your day.” She got me the moment she called me “sweetheart.” I'm a sucker for any matronly middle-aged woman who calls me that. Those brief words of hers, together with her toothy smile were the relational sunshine that brightened my otherwise cloudy afternoon. Smile more A few days after this, I had a conversation with my granddaughter who turned 17 recently. She works part-time at Target and when I asked her how it was going she said, “My boss said he is happy with my work, but that I need to smile more with customers.” “It sounds like you have a good boss,” I said. Have you ever noticed how many teenagers work at Target? One of our grandsons also works there. I was thinking about this one day and how all these young faces unknowingly spread a little relational sunshine my way - even when they're not smiling. They don't have tattoos, nose rings, or purple hair, at least I haven't noticed anyone like this so far. It's not that I have anything against anyone who fits this profile. In fact, in episode 129 I talk about someone in her mid-20s who looks like this and how I apologized for scaring her. I described the scene as follows: She was wearing torn blue jean shorts, tattoos up and down both arms, a bare midriff with a ring in her navel, and another one in her nose. Her partially pink hair was in a bun on top of her head. I felt like I needed to represent old men who look down their noses at tattooed young women with rings in their noses. I didn't want her to think badly of us. If you're interested in how I unintentionally scared the girl, go to johncertalic.com/129 They'll be in charge some day Anyway, back to the teenagers who work at Target. There's an innocence about them that reminds me of my own part-time job from another century when I was in high school. It's where I found hope that my future was going to be better than my past. When I see those youthful faces stocking shelves and checking customers out at the cash register at Target it gives me a different kind of hope that somehow down the road we're all going to be okay because these kids will be in charge. I'm reminded they could all be at the beach right now, or in their bedrooms playing video games. But instead, they are giving up those pleasures to earn money that will help them take control of their lives. Relational sunshine at night More relational sunshine shone down on me at a recent baseball game I attended with my family. Like all major league baseball stadiums, ours here in Milwaukee requires fans to go through security before entering the ballpark. On this particular game night after I made it through to the other side, one of the security people said in the most sincerest of tones, and with a big smile on his face, “Enjoy the game!” He was an older man, probably retired, working a part-time job to pick up a few extra bucks. His countenance and persona in wishing me an enjoyable evening cast a few rays of relational sunshine my way. They left me smiling, too. I could tell he was sincere and enjoyed greeting people and wishing them well. These three examples of others spreading a little relational sunshine got me thinking about how I operate. I'm not an extrovert and usually don't talk to people I don't know. Unless they offer me candy, or a look at a cute little puppy in the back seat of their car. But in reflecting upon these stories I've recounted for you, and how complete strangers brightened my day, it made me think maybe I could do the same for someone else. I can do this, too My chance to do so happened one evening at the drive-through window of yet another fast-food place, Culver's, a nationwide hamburger and custard restaurant based in Wisconsin. It has a special place in my heart as two of our grandsons got their first part-time jobs here. The food isn't half-bad, and like Target, they hire clean-cut wholesome-looking kids - and grandma types. One of the things I appreciate about this chain is that they also hire young people with developmental disabilities, like those with Down's syndrome. Anyway, one evening I was in the drive-through line at Culver's and when I reached the cashier's window the teenage boy manning the window said “…your total is $19.39.” He paused briefly, then said, “That was a long time ago.” Admiring his sense of humor in juxtaposing the numbers of a cash transaction with a period of history, I responded with “Yeah, it was even before I was born.” Then, as I gave the boy a twenty-dollar bill for my order I asked, “Do you know what famous event occurred in 1939?” “I have no idea,” he said. “On September 1, 1939, Nazi Germany marched into Poland, officially beginning World War II,” I replied. The boy smiled for the first time and chuckled as he gave me my change, and said, “Oh, I should have known that. I really like history.” We smiled at each other and then I drove off. By acknowledging his sense of humor and playing along with him, I realized I had spread a little relational sunshine in his life. And I had fun doing so. It sent a few of those relational sunshine rays back to me. So what does all this mean for YOU? I have a hunch there's more relational sunshine out there for all of us, if we just look for it, mostly in unexpected places. Lately for me, it's been at the window of the drive-through lane at fast-food restaurants. How about for you? I wonder what unexpected places in your life could be a source of relational sunshine for you. I also have this thought: you could be more than just a recipient of relational sunshine. You could be a source of it in unexpected ways, as I was with something as simple as bantering with a teenager at Culver's. With something as simple as smiling as someone. I know you can do this, and hope you give it a try. Intentionally smile at someone and see what happens. It might even land you a part-time job at Target. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode It seems that relational sunshine often starts with a smile. The simple act of smiling seems to penetrate the relational ozone separating us from each other. By spreading around a little relational sunshine we spark joy in others, and in ourselves as well. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. And I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've heard today. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And of course, don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around with the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 129 Thankful We Don't Always Have to Be Right 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

I have been thinking about what makes for meaningful conversations with people. This thought was prompted by a quote I saw in a desk calendar my daughter gave me for this year. It's the quote for May 16th which reads: “You cannot talk butterfly language with caterpillar people.” It's the topic of today's episode. To access future episodes it's easiest if you go to JohnCertalic.com, and scroll halfway down the page where you enter your name and email address. Then click on the follow or subscribe button. You'll get a brief email each week from me with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. A useful metaphor For today I want to think out loud about this idea of meaningful conversations, and several ways of considering this based on the quote I mentioned in the beginning, “you cannot talk butterfly language with caterpillar people.” I like this butterfly/caterpillar metaphor for a couple of reasons. One way of looking at it would suggest butterfly people have a language caterpillar people don't understand because they haven't quite arrived yet like Butterfly people have. It may not be what the author intended, but it comes off a bit condescending. I've been in conversations where the person talking clearly views themself as a butterfly person looking down their nose at the caterpillars in the group. I bet you've seen this too. It's hard to have a meaningful conversation when this is dynamic is present. On the other hand, there is something beautiful about a butterfly person who remembers what it was like to be a caterpillar with all its limitations, and who has a great appreciation for the metamorphosis he or she has been through. These are the patient people among us, usually older and wiser. People tolerant and understanding of those in a stage of life where they once were. Meaningful conversations with butterfly people like this are often filled with grace and wisdom. They understand caterpillar people haven't yet been through what they've been through. They don't have the words, the language, to process what Butterfly people have come to experience. An obstacle to meaningful conversations Another example of an obstacle to a meaningful conversation is when parents try to reason their young children into obedience using butterfly language. When they explain the logic and motives behind their well-meaning directives. It usually doesn't work, because young kids are caterpillars and they don't understand butterfly language. Instead, parents need to speak caterpillar language to kids that goes something like this, “you need to obey what I'm telling you because you need to obey. That's your job right now, simply to obey, regardless of what you want to do. When you get older and are able to understand, I'll explain why I'm telling you to obey. But for now, you don't need to know why, you just need to obey.” This issue of teaching children to obey is an important one that we'll talk about in a future episode. The "curse of knowledge" hinders communication Another reason it's hard to have meaningful conversations sometimes is because of the curse of knowledge. It's the concept that you know something so well, so intimately, that it's difficult to imagine what it was like to NOT KNOW what you know. And because you can't imagine what it's like to not know something, you have difficulty in passing on your knowledge to someone who doesn't have it. You try, but it's hard because you forgot what it's like to be on the other side of the knowledge. Computer people are like this. They have the curse of knowledge because they assume you know what they know, or at least have a piece of rudimentary knowledge of technical stuff. They talk in butterfly language, but you only speak caterpillar. So there's a disconnect and a barrier to a meaningful conversation when it comes to fixing a computer problem. On an interpersonal level, relationships can be difficult when people speak different emotional languages. Janet and I have a friend who grew up in a dysfunctional family, where everything revolved around pleasing Mom. Keeping Mom happy was the mission of her husband and each of the 3 kids. And Mom let everyone know when she wasn't happy and who in the family failed in their role of keeping her happy. Guilt and shame were dished out as regularly as a weekly allowance. A friend who learned butterfly language As an adult, our friend went for counseling to deal with this emotional baggage, and over time grew healthy because she learned a butterfly language that helped her process her experience in healthy ways. She even learned how to speak her mother's caterpillar language which on occasion even led to meaningful conversations. Sadly, her siblings didn't do the same. As adults, they continue trying to please Mom. But it's never enough. It never is with people who live to be served, rather than to serve. Unlike our friend who went for counseling to learn a new language, her siblings moved to other parts of the country so as to have as little contact with Mom as possible. They continue to speak caterpillar to this day. Let's go back to parenting for a moment. Parents sometimes suffer from the curse of knowledge. We can't remember what it was like to be a kid. To be afraid as a child. To be rejected by one's friends. Or to be frustrated with not knowing how to do something your peers do with ease. This curse of knowledge can get in the way of meaningful conversations between parents and their children. So what does all this mean for YOU? If you're a butterfly person in your relationships, it would really help if you thought back to what it was like when you were a caterpillar. Back then, you didn't know what you didn't know. The same is true for the caterpillar people in your life right now. They don't know what they don't know, either. So cut them some slack, give them a break. They probably won't respond as well to you TELLING them how fulfilling it is to be a butterfly in your relationships. Show them instead. In relationships, caterpillar people crawl. Show them as a butterfly person they can fly! And if you're a caterpillar right now, watch the butterfly people around you. Do what they do to have meaningful conversations. Don't stay stuck in your relationships. Break out of your cocoon. You were made for something more. Don't settle for crawling when you could be flying. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode A path to meaningful conversations between people starts with working to understand others and their frame of reference, even when it's very different from your own. To learn to speak the language of another is work, but it's worth it. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated to work toward being a butterfly person with compassion for the caterpillars in your life. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Another episode you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

The other day I Googled the phrase “How to Live Well.” 19.5 trillion entries popped up. Yikes! Apparently a lot of people have something to say on this matter. And I do as well in today's episode. But it's going to be different than what my 19.5 trillion colleagues are offering up, I'm sure. But before we get into all this, welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I am your host John Certalic.  As an award-winning author and relationship coach, I'm here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. New to the podcast? If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. Today's episode, number 168, is about a really important relationship God designed for you and me; namely, a relationship with Him! It's where we'll find the greatest amount of joy, for He teaches us how to live well in so many practical ways. For example, he devoted a whole book of the Bible to this subject, drawing from the life of Solomon. the wisest man who ever lived. I'll read the first chapter of this book from the Bible, the Book of Proverbs, and then comment from time to time as I read. It's only 33 verses, so it won't take long. As I read, notice the contrast between people who are wise, and those who are not, and notice the practical advice Solomon has for how to live well here in the 21st century. NOTE: The comments I interject in reading of Proverbs 1 appear only in the audio version The Purpose of Proverbs 1 These are the proverbs of Solomon, David's son, king of Israel. 2 Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,
  to help them understand the insights of the wise.
  3 Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,
 to help them do what is right, just, and fair.
  4 These proverbs will give insight to the simple,
 knowledge and discernment to the young. 5 Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.
 Let those with understanding receive guidance
, 6 by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,
 the words of the wise and their riddles. 7 Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,
 but fools despise wisdom and discipline. A Father's Exhortation: Acquire Wisdom 8 My child, listen when your father corrects you.
 Don't neglect your mother's instruction.
  9 What you learn from them will crown you with grace
    and be a chain of honor around your neck. 10 My child, if sinners entice you,
 turn your back on them!
  11 They may say, “Come and join us.
 Let's hide and kill someone!
    Just for fun, let's ambush the innocent!
  12 Let's swallow them alive, like the grave;
 let's swallow them whole, like those who go down to the pit of death.
  13 Think of the great things we'll get!
 We'll fill our houses with all the stuff we take.
  14 Come, throw in your lot with us;
 we'll all share the loot.” 15 My child, don't go along with them!
 Stay far away from their paths.
  16 They rush to commit evil deeds.
 They hurry to commit murder.
  17 If a bird sees a trap being set,
 it knows to stay away.
  18 But these people set an ambush for themselves;
 they are trying to get themselves killed.  
19 Such is the fate of all who are greedy for money;
 it robs them of life. Wisdom Shouts in the Streets 20 Wisdom shouts in the streets.
  She cries out in the public square.
  21 She calls to the crowds along the main street,
 to those gathered in front of the city gate:
  22 “How long, you simpletons,
 will you insist on being simpleminded?
How long will you mockers relish your mocking?
 How long will you fools hate knowledge?
  23 Come and listen to my counsel.
I'll share my heart with you
 and make you wise. 24 “I called you so often, but you wouldn't come.
 I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.  
25 You ignored my advice
 and rejected the correction I offered.
  26 So I will laugh when you are in trouble!
 I will mock you when disaster overtakes you —
  27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm,
  when disaster engulfs you like a cyclone,
  and anguish and distress overwhelm you. 28 “When they cry for help, I will not answer.
 Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me.
  29 For they hated knowledge
 and chose not to fear the Lord.
  30 They rejected my advice
 and paid no attention when I corrected them.
  31 Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way,
 choking on their own schemes.
  32 For simpletons turn away from me—to death.
 Fools are destroyed by their own complacency.
33 But all who listen to me will live in peace,
    untroubled by fear of harm.” Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. So what does all this mean for YOU? If you start going through the 19.5 trillion Google entries for “how to live well” I mentioned at the beginning, I'm sure you'll find some things that sound attractive. But most of them are about behavior. Solomon, however, takes it a step further and talks about behavior rooted in our relationship with God and our reverence for Him and all that he stands for. Which raises the question for all of us, namely, how much do my values align with God's values? Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode The answer to “how to live well” is found in growing in wisdom by looking beyond ourselves. It's to live in reverence to God and embrace what is important to Him, and then live accordingly. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to ask yourself how wise are you living? Are you growing wiser as you allow the Spirit of God to teach you how to live well? For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because as you know by now, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 021:The most Important Relationship of All 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

In just a few weeks many of us with school-age kids will be sending them off for the next chapter in their educational lives. Others of us who home school will be calling them to the kitchen table for the same purpose.In either case, an unintended relationship lesson kids learn at one point or another in their schooling is that people will disappoint us. Today's episode is about how we can respond to this disappointment in ways that will bring out the best in us. Regardless if we're in kindergarten, or a graduate of the School Hard Knocks, class of 1958 and beyond. But before we get into all this here's Carol Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. And now, here is your host, John Certalic. Hey thank you, Carol, and yes it's me, John Certalic. I'm your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. For today I have a story that's an encore from way back in episode 53. It involves snow. And lots of it. Which is especially pleasant to think about in light of the heat wave sweeping across the US and Europe here in August of 2022. It's a story about one of my grandkids who saw first-hand how people disappoint us. And then I'll have a few comments from me on how we can respond to this disappointment, regardless of our age or where we are in life. Let's begin. Children lose their innocence when they see how people disappoint us If you have ever spent any significant time around children, do you remember the times your heart ached for them when they discovered that life can be harsh? Where they experienced the sadness of relational pain? When your child's network of friends all get invited to a birthday party, except your kid? When a child's favorite pet dies? When all you teenager's friends have been asked to homecoming, but not yours? These examples raise the question of “Who's going to be there for me when I need them?” When children face the harsh reality that people they thought would be there for them, aren't, we call it a loss of innocence. You see this theme in literature all the time. To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic example. Scout, the young girl in the story comes face to face with the racism she sees in the adults her small town in the South. And loss of innocence doesn't stop with childhood. Let me share a story that illustrates this, and then a way we can best deal with this inconvenient relationship reality. Help from our grandson Trip to visit our daughter in SC, when back home we had a 7” snowfall Our son Michael texted, “have you made arrangements for the snow?” He sent George, our 18-year-old grandson, over the next day to shovel. I hadn't shown him how to use our snowblower. I told George just to clear a path to the garage for our car, and I would finish the rest with our snowblower when I got home. George texted me when he was finished and said, “It was some of the heaviest snow I've ever shoveled, but I got it done.” We returned home a few days later and I stopped over to pay him. Grandson George observes how people disappoint us At the end of a conversation about some small talk regarding other things, George brought up his shoveling experience again and said, I was out there a long time shoveling, and after awhile, I wondered why none of your neighbors stopped over to ask if they could help. I mean, when our neighbor Mrs. Fibeena was alive, Grant and I would always shovel her driveway. And our neighbor Don across the street, we shoveled the driveway for him, and now for his wife since he died last year. But none of your neighbors offered to help shovel. At least 24 hours had passed since the snowfall ended, and all the other driveways in the neighborhood were snow-free. But not ours. The tone of George's voice was genuine surprise that no neighbors offered to help out with a need another neighbor had. It was so contrary to his experience, where he lived 3 miles away that he and his brother (and sister) were used to. “We help our neighbors” is a value his parents are raising him with. He wasn't complaining or whining at all. His wistful comments came across to me as a sociological observation and reflection upon human nature, with a twinge of sadness to it. When people disappoint us it can come as a surprise My heart ached for George, that he saw this side of human nature about our neighbors that was so contrary to his own experience. I even briefly thought "maybe we better move.” I know George sees this side of humanity on a daily basis with his peers. He's no stranger to seeing the less flattering side of the human condition. But his surprise with our neighbors' lack of help showed that at 18 years of age he's lost another measure of childhood innocence. That people you would have thought would have been there for you, other adults, were not. I also sensed he was feeling bad for me, that these were the kind of neighbors we have. My heart ached for his kind and tender heart. George knew what our former neighborhood was like; he saw it first hand, with people like Kevin who lived across the street. While some people disappoint us now, others in the past did the opposite In our former neighborhood, Kevin and I cleared driveways of snow for 3 neighbors. They were all older than us. Kevin did more than me. When my mother died in March years ago, we had a late winter snowfall of 3-4 inches the day of her funeral. I didn't have time to snow blow the driveway before the service, as we had to leave in a hurry. But when we got home later that day, Kevin or one of the other neighbors had cleared our driveway of snow. No one asked them to. They just did it. Because our snow-covered driveway told people something was wrong, so they stepped in to help. Sometimes people disappoint us when our expectations are unrealistic Getting back to George's observation, I can imagine all kinds of legitimate reasons why people didn't help. If any of them would listen to this podcast, I'm sure they'd have a reasonable explanation for not helping out. Some of them might even be irritated at me for suggesting someone should have helped. After all it's not my neighbor's responsibility to keep my driveway clear of snow. The fact I helped clear their drive a few times, doesn't mean they owe me a return favor. I certainly get that. I don't want to be critical, I just want to make an observation. And that is in this one instance with George, our current neighborhood personified what the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12: 2, “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world.” The pattern of this world, at least in our neighborhood, is NOT to help others in a jam. Keep to yourself. Take care of #1. Don't extend yourself. “That's the behavior and custom of this world.” We have nice people in our neighborhood. People are cordial and respectful of one another, and I suspect there are examples of caring and helping others that I'm not aware of. It's one thing for people to disappoint us. It's another when they disappoint those we love Nevertheless, my heart still aches a bit for George. And it may very well be my heart aches more for myself than him. George is a very caring person, you might remember me talking about him in an earlier episode, how even as a first or second grader, he would hold open the door to his school to let teachers and other adults enter before him. I notice in caring people, and myself, that every now and then. Not often, but every now and then, you wonder, “When is it going to be my turn? When are people going to care for me, the way I care for them? I wonder if that was what George was feeling when he shoveled snow off our driveway. I know this thought crosses my mind every now and then, and it can lead to a sense of sadness really quickly. How are we to respond to this inconvenient relational reality I described? Ask God for the wisdom and power to: Resist the temptation to assign bad motives to people who do not care for us the in the way we want to be cared for. Everyone has stuff going on in their lives we are unaware of. Cut people some slack. Extend grace. Take to heart Philippians 2:4, and obey the command, “Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.” As Mr. Rogers, Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood tells us, “look for the helpers.” As adults, look for the helpers and try to be like them. Look for the role models we can emulate. Become a role model for others. The best version of yourself will have a strong component of caring for others. Be courageous and ask for help when you need it. Be okay with the feelings of sadness if they come. Don't minimize or flee from it. Just sit in for awhile, and before you know it, they will pass. Especially as you move forward with being a caring person yourself. If you forget everything else, here's the one thing I hope you remember from today's episode When people you thought would be there for you, fail to show up, respond with grace. Ask God to help you to be there for others, even if they don't show up for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to respond in healthy ways when people disappoint us. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Well, that's it for today. Please consider telling others about this podcast if you think it would be interesting and helpful to them. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

The first interview I ever did on this podcast was about how we are all connected with each other. It was episode 8 where my wife and I sat in the living room of two friends from church, Charley and Ruth. It's where Charley shared the story of what his wife Ruth and their daughter did to help bring healing and closure to the death of Charley's first wife, some 30 years ago. It's a remarkable story I'm re-telling today because of the relationship lessons it illustrates. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I am your host,  John Certalic,  your award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com. Scroll down half a page or so to sign up and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. Interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley - an Encore from episode 008 Here we go with my interview with Charley and Ruth Shirley. It's one of my favorites. Sorry, there's no transcript available of the interview. Click here to listen to it. Connected with each other: final thoughts This interview really touched me. In reflecting on it, I came away with eight lessons I learned from my conversation with Charley and Ruth. I spoke with Carol about them and she said if I talked about them now, it would detract from the power of the interview itself, “just get off the air as quickly as you can,” was her advice. So I'm going to do just that. That was good advice from Carol way back in episode 8. What we decided to do back then, and what we're doing this time, is to use next week's episode, to go over the 8 lessons I learned from Charley's story. They are practical relationship principles we can use in our own relationships. We'll have all that for you in episode 172 next week. So what does what you heard in this interview mean for YOU? It raises two questions. The first is like the healing Charley experienced 30 some years after a tragedy in his life; where have you seen God care for you in unusual or mysterious ways? It also makes me wonder if there are opportunities God is placing in front of you to honor someone, to care for another in ways that reflect the image and character of God? Similar to how Charley's wife, Ruth, and his daughter Lucy cared for him. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode We are all connected with each other because we're all created in the image of God. It's what enables us to bring healing and comfort to each other. Closing In closing, I hope today's show stimulated your thinking. To put into practice what you've just heard about how we are connected with each other. For we are all created in the image of God and designed to reflect that image well. Well, that's about it for today. I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's program. If you think of someone who could benefit from today's show, please send them a link to today's episode, JohnCertalic.com/171. And also, don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Quote of the Week “Often we are attached to people in ways we don't understand.” - Ruth Shirley, and her daughter Lucy Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Developing deeper relationships is the topic of today's show, and is a follow-up to last week's episode, no. 171. It was an encore episode of an interview I did with Charley and Ruth Shirley in late 2018. It came about from Charley's Facebook post with a photo of his wife of 30 some years cleaning the grave marker of Charley's first wife who was killed in a tragic car accident five months into their marriage. I've posted Charley's Facebook photo in the show notes. It was taken by Charley and Ruth's adult daughter, Lucy. It's a beautiful story I hope you go back to listen to if you haven't already heard it. Their story illustrates eight principles that can help each of us develop deeper relationships in our own lives. And that's what I'm going to talk about in today's show. Welcome to You Were Made for This Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I am your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end. Dot com. Last week's episode, #171 In last week's episode, #171, Charley tells the story of his wife, Ruth, and their adult daughter Lucy, who were returning from taking their oldest daughter off to graduate school out East. On their way home, they were passing through Youngstown, Ohio where Charley's first wife was buried. Some time ago Charley had mentioned to Lucy that if she were ever near Youngstown he would appreciate it if she would stop by the grave of his first wife, Bev, and pay her respects. Charley started by talking about Lucy calling him at work while she and Ruth were near Youngstown, Ohio to get directions to find the grave, which was a bit of a challenge. Anxious to get home from their thousand-mile road trip, Ruth spoke about initially not wanting to stop. But she knew it would mean a lot to Charley, and also to their youngest daughter Lucy. So she did. Once they found the grave marker, Ruth cleaned it up with the only thing she had - her car keys. While she did, Lucy snapped a picture of Ruth cutting weeds and grass from around the grave marker. Ruth talked about how this moment deeply affected her and Lucy, how they both cried, and how Ruth described it as standing on “holy ground.” Ruth also talked about the profound effect this had on Lucy. Deeper relationships sometimes cast shadows Charley talked about the shadow that Lucy cast while taking a picture of her mother cleaning the grave marker. He saw a connection in this shadow between Lucy and Bev, as they were both the second child of their respective parents. He summed it up best when he said the point of this story for him was about healing. How what his 2nd wife, and 2nd daughter, did to honor his first wife brought closure to a tragedy that happened over 30 years ago. That was the interview in a nutshell of episode #171. I came away from our time together with Charley and Ruth with several important lessons and principles about deeper relationships that would serve all of us well if we practiced them in our relationships. Principles and observations about deeper relationships 1.Healing often takes time. Sometimes a long time. It had been over 33 years since Charley's first wife, Bev, had died. And this graveyard story of a few years ago contributed to Charley's healing. We need to be patient with others and ourselves with the time it takes to heal. For Charley, and for some of us, the healing comes from clarifying what our future holds. 2. It pays to listen well to people, especially the people closest to us. On the way home from Connecticut to Wisconsin, Lucy REMEMBERED what her dad had said, “If you ever are near Youngstown, Ohio…..” Lucy had a holy curiosity about her dad's past. She asked about Bev. She wanted to know, because she realized that this particular relationship is an important part of his life. And her relationship with her dad is an important part of hers. To care well usually takes sacrifice. I felt for Ruth in this story. After moving your daughter into a 3rd-floor apartment on a hot summer day, and then start off on a thousand-mile road trip back home, and then to take a time-consuming detour to look for the grave of someone you never met, well that's sacrifice. Limited resources should not hold us back 4. Sometimes the best care we can provide is when we have limited resources and don't know what to do. Ruth and Lucy had difficulty finding the cemetery, and then the grave. But the difficulty didn't stop them. All they had were car keys. Ah, the car keys. 5. It's okay when our first inclination is to not inconvenience ourselves for the sake of another. That's normal. Ruth was very transparent in saying she felt guilty about her initial reaction. What is beautiful is when we move past our first thoughts because we know we can honor and bless someone if we don't give in to our basic human preference for convenience. Hats off to Ruth! 6. God at times uses symbols within events to let us know he loves us, cares for us, and that he is there for us. The picture of Lucy's shadow over Ruth cleaning Bev's grave marker. Ruth cleaning up what others have ignored. For Charley, it “closed the loop,” as he put it.Lucy's shadow in the picture represented the future he wondered about over 30 years ago. Because he was able to move well through his grief after that tragic event happened, he was able to re-marry. He was able to have children, one of whom cast a shadow over both his current and former wife. Lucy's shadow connected the three of them to bring closure to the tragedy that happened so long ago We're all connected to each other 7. We really are all connected to each other, if for no other reason than we all come from the same source, God himself. Some day in eternity we will see all these connections, some of which we don't quite understand in this life. For those of us with a relationship with Jesus, we will see Bev one day, and I bet she will thank Charley for sharing the story of their 21 months together. She will thank Ruth and Lucy for honoring her the day they cleaned off her grave marker. And all of us will give thanks to the Lord for the relationships he gave us, which if we look carefully enough, we'll see, all point directly back to him. 8. There are things God is doing in our lives that at times we just cannot explain. Why did Charley survive the car accident and Bev didn't. The feeling of “Holy Ground” that Ruth talked about over Bev's grave. Lucy feeling a connection with Bev, her father's first wife. Unrelated to her by blood, but somehow related by spirit in ways we cannot explain. Shadows really do connect us. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode We develop deeper relationships with people when we listen well to each other, inconvenience ourselves for other people at times, and realize we're all connected with each other by virtue of the fact that each of us has been created in the Image of God. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? I'd encourage you to ask yourself, and God, what deeper relationships could you nurture based on the relationship principles we talked about today? Namely, give people time to heal. Listen well to others. Sacrifice your time and energy. Use your limited resources to bless others. Fight through your natural inclination to be self-centered. Look for ways God is connecting you with someone else. Things like this. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about developing deeper relationships with people. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/172. And of course, if you haven't listened to episode 171 which is the actual interview with Charley and Ruth, please do that. JohnCertalic.com/171. Finally, don't forget to spread a little sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 171: We're All Connected with Each Other 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

As the summer winds down here on the last day of August, many of us are going through a relationship transition of one kind or another. Kids going off to school for the first time. Sons and daughters heading off to college. And those of us left behind to face an unfamiliar future where those we love are no longer around as they once were. Relationship transitions are unique opportunities to bring out the best in us. It's what today's episode is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end, dot com. Now about those relationship transitions I mentioned earlier “Transition” is a common buzzword you hear in missionary circles these days. They talk about it often because missionaries experience so many of them. Transitions from one culture to another. Countless goodbyes to people we know and love one day, and hellos to complete strangers in another culture the next. Here's another thing about transitions. Did you know that in August we have National Single Working Women's Day, Dog Appreciation Day, and Middle Child Day? And August 31st, the day this episode first airs, we have National Relationship Transitions Day. I think about it every year at this time when I recall how a long time ago we sent our kids went off to kindergarten for the very first time. And then years later when they left home for college. Those were days filled with both sadness and joy, mixed all together - like a ham and cheese omelet stuffed with broccoli. Other examples of relationship transitions More recently I saw joy and sadness at a high school graduation party this summer for a friend's son. She talked about the joy of her son completing high school on such a high note. But then her eyes teared up at the mention of him leaving home for college in a few weeks. “I don't even want to think about it,” she whispered. Then there are those nostalgic Facebook posts popping up of moms and dads commenting on sending their kids off to kindergarten for the first time, and how it seems like just two months ago when they brought them home from the hospital as infants. I recently heard another example of relationship transitions on a podcast, when out of left field the host reflected on how melancholy she was feeling thinking about sending her twin daughters off to college for the first time. Relationship transitions like these are happening all around us. Children go through relationship transitions themselves I had an interesting conversation with our twin grandsons recently. They're both 20 now and in college. When I asked them what was the most difficult transition they faced in advancing through their educational career, they surprised me. I thought they would have said from high school to college. They actually said that was the easiest. The hardest for them was going from elementary school to middle school. That's been the most challenging transition they've faced thus far. So how do you celebrate National Relationship Transitions Day? How can we use it to bring out the best in us? If you're going through a relationship transition yourself Remind yourself of the joy during an earlier time in your relationship. Savor memories of past joy. At the same time, develop a “holy anticipation” of the potential joy that could await you in the future. Here's an example of a future joy I would never have anticipated. It happened yesterday: The story of my grandson Grant whipping out his credit card to buy me a cup of Starbucks coffee at the mall. It was a complete role reversal for a moment. More moments like this will come. Be patient. There's no guarantee, but those you cared for so deeply earlier may likely care well for you in the future. If someone you care about is going through a relationship transition Here are a few ideas. Reach out to a parent of a child getting on the school bus for the first time, and ask how they're doing. Call a parent who just got back from taking their kid to college and hauling their boxes of stuff to their first dorm room. “How did it go for you?” In either case, send a card or note in the mail that says something along the lines of “I've been thinking about you, and praying for you as you process (kids name) heading off to school/college for the first time. I imagine it may be difficult to end one chapter of parenting, and then enter this new unknown one.” Something like that. In essence, let people you know going through a relationship transition that you're thinking of them, and maybe even praying for them. There's something comforting in simply knowing someone else knows what you're dealing with. Let them know you know it's hard, and that you're pulling for them. All of these ideas are examples of Romans 12:15, Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Relationship transitions are opportunities to care for people by letting them know you've been there too, and you know how difficult these transitions can be. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard. Reach out to someone in a relationship transition to let them know you care. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God intends for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to this episode is JohnCertalic.com/173. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 069: When Our Kids Go Off to School for the First Time 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Here in the United States where I live we just finished celebrating Labor Day two days ago. It comes around every year on the first Monday in September. For many of us, it's the most melancholy of all our national holidays. Yet, Labor Day week is also a great time to reflect. Reflect upon what, you ask? Keep listening, for I answer this question in today's show. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access upcoming episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a “C” at the beginning and the end, dot com. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. The blandest of holidays - Labor Day Labor Day, as I mentioned, is the most melancholy of all US holidays. It marks the unofficial end of summer and the beginning of fall. It's the middle child of our national holidays. Labor Day doesn't honor any particular person or event in our nation's history. It's pretty nondescript; an afterthought among the rest of our holidays. Airports are not jammed with Labor Day holiday travelers. Labor Day became a national holiday in America in 1894 to honor working men and women. It grew out of labor unrest due to horrible working conditions in the later part of the 19th century. Other nations in the world have a similar holiday, often celebrating it on May 1st. For me, Labor Day week is a time to reflect on the nearly 25 years I spent in the executive recruiting business, helping companies fill their staffing needs and coaching people on how to find jobs. It makes me reflect on the things I learned about people and how a job fits into the rest of our life. I hope you know by now that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. One of those relationships is the job God provided for you. If you've ever earned a paycheck it was because of a relationship you had with the employer who paid you. So in keeping with this Labor Day holiday week, I thought it would help to take time to reflect on several important principles related to our relationship with our work. Principles of relationships at work Everyone is hired to solve a problemTake time to reflect on what problems you're helping to solve at work. What are you doing to bring in income to the organization, cut costs, or further your employer's mission in the world? Know the difference between a job and a career and act accordingly A job is a means to an end. It's a small part of our identity. A career is a larger part of who we are. It doesn't define us, but it's a big part. A stay-at-home-mom is a career, not a job. It too solves a problem. Take time to reflect on what you don't want to do for a career. Story of grandson Grant what he learned about himself in his internship To get ahead at work, think like an employer, not an employee Employees are driven by what's in it for them. An employer mindset thinks about furthering the purposes of the organization Reflect on this question, Do I have 10 years of experience in my job, or do I have 1 year of experience repeated 10 times? There's value in every work experience God doesn't waste any of our experiences. Don't you either. Take time to reflect on what you've learned from each one. Story of grandson Grant's camp counselor job getting him an internship with a research study Changing jobs for the sole reason of earning more money is a terrible idea. No employer cares what you're passionate about. They only care about results. It's the theme of Cal Newport's book, So Good They Can't Ignore You. Some people fail at jobs because they're a square peg in a round hole. If that's you, look for a square hole and you'll thrive. The church who sent one of their missionaries to us to answer the question, “Is he cut out to be a missionary?” Airplane mechanic running a missionary guest house in Africa Jobs/Careers are about working with things - people - or data. Change jobs/companies is always an option The greatest job satisfaction comes from using the abilities and talents God equipped you with. The greatest dissatisfaction comes when you don't. Parable of the servant and talents in Matthew 25:14-30 So what does all this mean for YOU? This Labor Day week, as we transition from summer to fall, is a great time to reflect on our jobs, careers, and the meaning they have in our lives. Ask God to help you in the process. The extent to which we apply the principles I mentioned, the more joy we'll experience in our job or career. Read Cal Newport's book, So Good They Can't Ignore You. Listen to Episode 025, "The Toughest Job in America" The main point of the episode is: How we relate to our job is often a reflection of how we relate to God. The episode contains several stories on how we view our jobs and careers. If you're a parent, pass these principles on to your kids. Share examples of them from your own experience at work. If you are no longer working, take time to reflect on how God led and sustained you during your working life. Thank him for those years and what you learned during that time. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Labor Day week is a great time to reflect on how to be all that God created us to be. It's an opportune time to think about the abilities and talents God hard-wired into us and to thank him for it. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about taking time to reflect on your work. To consider how the work you do can make best use of the skills and talents God created you with. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link to today's episode is simply JohnCertalic.com/174. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Related episodes you may want to listen to 040: A Square Peg in a Round Hole 025: The Toughest Job in America 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where all past and future episodes live JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Relationship stories from our past have a way of shaping us years after they occurred. I have two of them that happened decades ago during this month of September. It wasn't until many years had passed that I understood the impact these two events had on my life. It's what I'm going to talk about in today's episode because I bet you have stories like this, too. Welcome to You Were Made for This Welcome to You Were Made for This. If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm John Certalic, author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. That's John with an “H” and Certalic with a C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c, dot com. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. Every September Both of the stories from my past that greatly affected me happened in September. The first has to do with my grandma, my dad's mother. Every Labor Day I saw her crying over the death of her daughter Helen in a car crash on Labor Day that happened many years ago in the late 1920s or early 30s. It was the only time I ever saw her cry. I felt so bad for her. My dad was pretty young at the time, not even a teenager yet. He was in the car with his sisters Helen and Josephine, and Grandma when it happened. Aunt Jo, as we called her, was driving the car. Everyone survived except Helen. During the time I was doing genealogy work in an effort to locate my birth father, I also found the death certificate of my dad's sister Helen in the Register of Deeds office. I took notes about it, but I can't find them. Maybe I'll go down there to look again if I can get in. I remember the name of the road where the crash took place, and where it happened. I've driven through this location. And when I do I always think of the heartache my Grandma experienced on that Labor Day so long ago, and how it stayed with her the rest of her life. Pain that doesn't go away This is one of the stories from my past that helped shape me. It was the first time, I saw an adult cry over pain in their life. A piece of my Grandmother's heart was ripped out of her decades ago and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it now. There was no way to make the pain of this traumatic loss go away. Yet in spite of this hole in her heart she was able to love me, and the rest of our family, along with her network of Slovenian immigrant friends. I wish I had asked questions about the crash. Questions of my dad or grandmother. Questions like: how did this affect everyone? What caused the accident? Was Aunt Jo responsible for the accident, or was someone else who crashed into them? Did she feel guilty? How did she and Grandma relate after the accident? What was Helen like? What kind of person was she? Where is she buried? What was my dad's relationship with Helen before she was killed? Anyone who could answer these questions are long gone. I had opportunities to ask my dad and grandma these questions, but like all of us, I was more concerned with issues facing me in the present. So I didn't ask them, and I'm at a loss for it. I didn't appreciate how this tragic event from the past affected my father and grandmother. Had I known more of what they went through back then it could have shed some light on how they both related to me in the present. The past often illuminates the present. I regret not learning this important relationship lesson earlier in life. I hope you learn it. Sooner rather than later. Another September tragedy Of all the relationship stories from my past, the most impactful one happened when I was 15 years old and my friend Mark, who lived across the street, was killed on September 10, 1964. I wrote about this in my book THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others. Here's a brief excerpt: “Of all the memories of my dad, however, the one that sticks out the most is the day Bozo died. I cringe now even using his name, but that is what we all affectionately called Mark, a neighbor boy who lived across the street. To refer to him now as Mark seems disrespectful. We all loved Bozo. Our neighborhood had lots of kids who hung around together, and we all got along well with each other. He was an integral part of our community, a community torn apart the evening Bozo was killed. “It was a few days after school started in September and my brother and I had just gone downstairs to do our homework in our basement bedroom—our boy cave. Suddenly, we heard unexpected footsteps coming down the stairs. It was our mother. Visibly shaken, she sat on one of our beds. “‘I have some very bad news to tell you.' “There was a long pause as she started to choke up, and then composed herself. “‘Bozo was riding his bike home from a park late this afternoon and was hit by a car. And he died.' “He died? Bozo is dead? How can that be? We just saw him yesterday. How could he be dead? I wondered. That just can't be. My family reacts to the tragic news “Quietly sobbing, my mother went back upstairs. Shortly thereafter, my brother Joe and I followed upstairs. I remember all of us wandering around in disbelief, like disoriented ants, not knowing what to think and feeling quite shocked. With dusk setting in, I looked out a window and saw something I will never forget. “There was Bozo's father, walking down the middle of the street of our quiet sleepy neighborhood, with my dad beside him, arm over his shoulder. My dad was no grief counselor. He had no training in this area, but he was a good neighbor and he cared for his friend. When I hear the expression 'walking with someone through difficult times,' I think of this image of my dad, who did this literally and figuratively for a neighbor whose son had just been killed. “I can't help but admire a man like that. For though he didn't treat me as well as he should have, he did the best he could. Relating to adults was easier for him; he was just unskilled in relating to his oldest son, who biologically was not his own. Yeah, I can have compassion for a dad like that, who had compassion for a grieving friend. I can forgive someone like him. Sure. I can do that. I should do that. Since I want to do that, I will. I will forgive. And I did.” THEM, Chapter 13, “Forgiveness”, pages 170-171 This story from my past grew me This story from my past grew me in several ways. It was my first realization that people close to me will one day die. I knew this in my mind, of course, but Bozo's death embedded this reality in my heart. When I was working on the book I wrote, I wasn't sure of the exact date and year of Bozo's death. So I went to the cemetery next to the church his family and mine attended. It took a while, but I found his gravestone. I took a photo of it and you can see in the show notes. He would be 71 today had he lived, instead of dying at age 13. I loved the inscription on his gravestone, “In God's Care.” I hope his parents and siblings believed this, and that it brought them comfort. It was important for me to go to his grave because it confirmed for me that what I thought happened many years ago actually did occur at the time I remembered. Do you ever think like this, where you second guess yourself about events from long ago? Did this really happen? Understanding may not come for many years And as I mentioned in the reading from the book, this experience grew me by seeing a side of my father that made it easier to forgive him for how he parented me. But I didn't really see it until many years later. What I witnessed that evening was an observation, but I was too immature to reflect on what I observed. It wasn't until many years later, with the Spirit of God working in my heart, that I could reflect on the meaning of that poignant scene of my dad walking down the middle of the street, his arm over the shoulder of a neighbor whose son had just been killed. So what does all this mean for YOU? What are the stories from your past that would be helpful to reflect upon now? Maybe now is the time to ask God to help you find a larger meaning to something that impacted you years ago. Maybe there's something you missed then that could help you grow now. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Stories from our past can continue to grow us. Reflecting on them through the lens of God's spirit within us will often yield deeper insights years later into what happened back then. Closing I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about reflecting upon stories from your past. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/175. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to, along with the book mentioned: 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

In episode 166 a few months ago I shared stories about how we can experience the joy of relationships when people spread a little relational sunshine around. Today's episode is another story that shows how it's done. A story that will make you smile. One you can adapt to spark joy in your own relationships. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. If you're new to the podcast, the easiest way to access all past and future episodes is to go to JohnCertalic.com and click on the follow or subscribe button. You'll then get a brief email each week with a link to the latest episode, together with a description of what it's about. Someone with a need Today's example of the joy of relationships started with my wife, Janet, and a particular need she had. We were preparing for a week at Forest Springs, a Christian camp where we've been going to for years with our son and his family. Janet felt the need for a pedicure before we went and checked in to the place where she's gone for this in the past. This time, though, She was disturbed by how much it was going to cost, as they had recently raised their rates. Sensing this problem, I offered to solve it. Because I'm a guy and that's what we do. “Let me paint your toenails, Janet,” I said gleefully. “I've never done it before, but how hard can it be? I'll watch a YouTube video to learn how. There are paint brushes in a tin can down in the basement I can use. All you need to do is get the paint you want, and we'll be good to go. Think how much money we'll save!” One joy of relationships is feeling free to ask for help Her response surprised me as it was not as appreciative as I had expected. She was not as confident in my skill level in this kind of thing as I was. “I think I'll ask Eleanor instead“, Janet replied. “I like the way she does her own toes; she's quite artistic, and maybe she'll do mine.” Yeah, right I thought. Eleanor is our 17-year-old granddaughter and was quite busy with tennis lessons, ballet practice, and her part-time job at Target. I know her heart would be in the right place, but she won't have time. A few days later Janet asked Eleanor if she would give her a pedicure. In the blink of an eye, Eleanor said, “Sue, Grandma. Of course. We'll make it a spa day!” A week later Eleanor drove over to our house for her and Janet's “Spa Day.” She's only 17, and I'm just starting to get used to her driving. I used to drive her to school every Tuesday, and now she's driving herself. She's growing up way too fast. The joy of relationships in blessing someone Anyway, she came to our house and went off into our small room where we have our TV and started in on Janet's toes. About halfway through the procedure, I wandered in and snapped a photo of our artist at work. It's the cover photo for today's episode. Be sure to look at it if you haven't already done so. Walking out of the room I thought, what kind of kid does this kind of thing? There are adults working at beauty salons for a living who hate the idea of touching someone's feet. Yet here Eleanor is doing this willingly. That evening I posted the photo on Facebook with the comment, You know your granddaughter loves you when she paints your toenails. That's the kind of kid who does that kind of thing. A girl who loves her grandmother. The scene so reminded me of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. Both scenes depict the joy of relationships. One person serving the needs of another. One person blessing another. The joy of relationships in watching others In reflecting on the photo I took and what it captures I witnessed the joy of relationships on several levels. It starts with Janet feeling free to ask Eleanor to help her, knowing how busy our granddaughter was. Eleanor could easily have said, I'd love to, but I'm too busy, and Janet would have understood. She would have been okay with that. Janet loves getting her toenails painted, and she felt blessed that Eleanor did this for her. Her joy tank was filled to overflowing. I felt joy in watching how this incident brought out the best in Eleanor. Whenever we willingly serve others it brings out the best in us. We were made for this, you know. I also felt Joy in seeing how my son and daughter-in-law raised Eleanor. Teenagers don't inherently want to paint their grandmother's toenails. Her parents disciplined her well at an early age, and instilled virtues in her that make joy in relationships possible. For me, I felt the joy of relationships just watching this bonding activity of our granddaughter with Janet. It had nothing to do with me, but it filled my heart with joy to see them relating with each other like this. When all 10 toes were painted to perfection, Janet and Eleanor left the house to go out for lunch and a little shopping - a perfect ending to their spa day. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? A couple of ideas from this episode come to mind. First off, ask for help from someone you normally wouldn't ask. Even ask a teenager. They can do more than we often give them credit for. Look for the Spirit of God working in the lives of people around you. Be sensitive to what pleases others. Be a joy giver, not just a joy watcher Watch people interact with each other. Develop your people-watching skills. Cultivate a holy curiosity. Observing the joy of relationships between two strangers can fill your heart, too. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode One of the great joys of life is the joy of relationships. We experience it by delighting in blessing other people, watching others do the same, and being thankful when people bless and delight in us. Closing I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about creating opportunities to experience the joy of relationships. For when you do, it will help you experience what God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/176. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 166: How to Spread a Little Relational Sunshine 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

I received a disturbing email from a missionary serving overseas the other day that mentioned a relationship challenge he and his wife were facing. It's an issue most of us have had to handle at one time or another. Namely, how to relate with high-maintenance people. It's the subject of today's show, where you will hear a few ideas for how you can deal with this challenge. I also explain why I found this missionary's email troublesome. It's not what you might think. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. That troublesome email And now for that troublesome email I got about high-maintenance people. I am one of many on the mailing list of the missionary who sent it, who, in connection with his missionary role, pastors a church overseas. The email came from him and his wife, with news they heard from their daughter while they were out of town. For confidentiality reasons, I've changed the names of the people mentioned in the email. It begins with this: Emily, one of our extra-grace church members, had died alone in her apartment. It wasn't a big surprise. She had been in and out of the hospital more times than we can count. For most of us, her passing left us with a confusing mix of relief and sadness. She constantly challenged the limits of love and patience. She loved Jesus but sadly died without being reconciled with her own family. And Jared was her pastor for over 20 years - not always an easy job. The first thing that jumps out at me is the descriptive term they use for the woman who died, “extra-grace church member.” From the context of the email, you can tell “extra-grace church members” is code for a high-maintenance person who wears people out, and who requires us to extend extra grace to maintain our sanity. Something like that, anyway. I'll come back to this term in a minute. I feel for this missionary/pastor and his wife. Many of us have been in high-maintenance relationships like this that tax our energy. The times I've been in situations like this, I want to hide or flee. But as a pastor, you don't have that option. People like this come with the territory. The problem with labels But here's why I find the email troubling: the description of the woman as “one of our extra-grace church members.” I first came across this concept at a church we were at years ago. Janet and I were on the congregational care committee and would meet periodically to help with this important function of the church. At one particular meeting, we were given a list compiled by one of the pastoral staff of 6-8 people at our church who had various needs. Their names were listed together with what they needed. Things like hospital visits, meals for people getting out of the hospital, rides to church, etc. Next to one of the names was a note, EGR. When I asked what EGR meant, I was told it meant “Extra Grace Required.” It referred to the person as being very needy, expecting a lot from the church staff, and who expressed displeasure when those needs were not met. I cringed inside when I heard this. What if that list got out to the person, or anyone else for that matter, and EGR was explained to them? Who also is an EGR person in the church? Am I on the list, too, people might wonder. When we label people, it ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please don't do this. Please don't label people like this. It can cause so much harm. Euphemisms and labels like this grow out of frustration, but they separate us from each other. Source of the problem in relating to high-maintenance people So what's behind this kind of labeling and view of people? I'm sure it starts with pure motives. People like the missionary and the pastoral staff want to help, they want to minister to people. It's why most of them get into ministry. They feel called by God to do what they do. And I hope the same can be said for the rest of us. That while we may not be a missionary or a pastor, we want to care for people. We want to help each other. It's wired into our DNA at some level because we are all created in the image and likeness of God. There's a little bit of God's character in all of us. Given all this, let's consider the source of the problem of relating to high-maintenance people. It's easy to say the problem is with those people who are a pain in the neck with their demands and all that they require of us.In the reality, though, the problem is US, not them. People become high-maintenance to us largely because we let them. In some cases, we've trained others to be needy in their relationship with us. We do so mostly because we lack the skill to relate well with high-maintenance people. And it's no wonder. For pastors and missionaries, how to relate well with difficult people isn't normally taught in seminaries or bible colleges. The rest of us haven't been taught either. The good news is that we can learn the skill we need to deal with the needy. One skill that would be helpful to learn in situations like this is to apply the ORA model of relationships that I've talked about a number of times. Observe - Reflect - Act. Observe Let's start with observe. What patterns of behavior do you see in the high-maintenance person, not isolated events, but patterns? What are the things that trigger those patterns? Is there one specific behavior that bothers me, or is it a constellation of behaviors? Is this person high-maintenance with just me, or is he or she like this with other people, too? How long has this person been so needy? Do you have any idea of when this person started being high-maintenance, or have they always been this way? We also need to observe what is going on inside of me. It's about self-awareness, one of the most important relational skills there is. Is there anything that high-maintenance people trigger within me? What buttons might people like this be pushing within me? Am I a people pleaser, and as hard as I try, there's just no pleasing this high-maintenance person in my life? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else in keeping people happy? Is saying “no” to people hard for me, and if it is, why? And is it possible, that my identity is so wrapped up in helping people that I kind of like it when they're needy? But only in the beginning, until they wear me out. Reflect After making these observations, we need to reflect. For example, reflect upon what's been done up to this point to deal with the needs of the high-maintenance person. What's worked and what hasn't? What other options do I have? To what extent have I been truthful with the high-maintenance person in my life? Reflect upon my limits. Have I exceeded them? Do I need more margin in my life in order to have the emotional energy to relate well with high-maintenance people and others in my life? Every time I say “yes” to what high-maintenance people ask of me means I'm saying “no” to something else. What is it costing me in other areas of my life to relate with needy people like this? Reflect upon what might be causing this high-maintenance person to be the way they are. Take a guess. Every behavior has a payoff, so what could be the payoff to the person being a difficulty to others? What's in it for them? Could their behavior be a manifestation of a mental illness? What have I done in the past when I just didn't know what to do? Are there other people who could help me in helping the high-maintenance person in my life? Reflect upon what Jesus would do in the situation you're in. Reflect upon what would be the loving thing to do. Not the nice thing, but the loving thing. What would benefit the high-maintenance person the most, long-term? And then reflect on this thought, do I already know what I should do, and I'm just reluctant to do it? Act Finally, after we observe and reflect, it's time to act in relating with the high-maintenance people in our life. Ask God for wisdom. He'll show you what to do. Reflect his character and image well in whatever action you take. Doing nothing can be a wise option as long as it's carefully thought out and considered in light of all the variables in play. The answer to “what should I do?” may very well appear to you after you reflect upon what you observed. It often happens that way. Listen well to high-maintenance people. Ask good questions. Look for meaning below the surface of their responses. Whatever you decide to do, be truthful and express that truth with kindness and compassion. Be honest. Tell the high-maintenance person what you can and can't do for them. Help them see the choices they have and the implications for each of them Above all, point people to Jesus. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Don't let high-maintenance people get the best of you. Use the ORA principle of deepening relationships to relate with them. Observe, Reflect, then Act. It's a skill. And as with any skill, it just takes practice. Closing I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about relating with high-maintenance people. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/177. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 020: Relating with People Who Talk Too Much 128: The Joy of Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

There are so many thoughts about relationships running around in my head lately that I've wanted to share with you. They've been like little kids scrambling for the candy thrown from 4th of July floats parading down the street. I'll tell you about a few of them in today's episode because they're examples of good relationships I've seen in action that can inspire us to relate in similar ways with the people in our lives. But before we get into today's topic, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Observing a good relationship in action The first example of good relationships in action is something I saw at our granddaughter's tennis tournament several weeks ago. As I was getting the lawn chairs out of our vehicle, another one pulled in next to me - a couple in their late 30s, I would guess. When the wife got out of their van, she looked at me and asked, “Are you a therapist? I saw your license plate and wondered if you're a therapist.” My license plate, as you can see from the photo in the show notes, reads “I LISTEN.” I said I wasn't, but that I LISTEN refers to a major theme of the podcast I do. I then asked her if she listens to podcasts. She said she does and asked the name of mine, so I told her. It was interesting that she connected listening with therapy. Good therapists do listen, of course. Good friends listen even more. But I don't think I'll ever be asked, “Are you a good friend to people?” I wondered later if SHE was a therapist. I wish I would have asked her. That could have made for an interesting conversation. Instead, I started to talk to her husband as he pulled a baby stroller out of the back of their minivan. I asked him if he knew someone playing in the tournament. He told me, “no,” but were there to watch the granddaughter of one of their friends play. Relational Sunshine at a tennis tournament What a great example of good relationships in action. This couple supporting their older friend by being at his side while he supported his granddaughter by watching her tennis match. The couple and grandfather could have been doing other things on the beautiful sunny Saturday of the tennis tournament. But that's how it is with good relationships, they involve sacrifice at times. Without knowing it, this couple spread a little relational sunshine into my life that morning. I wish we were neighbors. They just showed up for their friend and his granddaughter. They reminded me that I can do the same thing for others. And so can you. The relationship between the grandfather, his friends, and the granddaughter reminded me of what a missionary once told me about how people could best care for her. She said, “When you love my baby, you love me…even if my baby is 23.” What a great principle to nurture good relationships. Missed opportunities to nurture good relationships That Saturday at the tennis tournament, I was struck by how few parents or other adults come to watch their children or grandchildren play. It's never crowded at a high school tennis match. I can understand low attendance at weekday matches late in the afternoon after school lets out. It would be hard for many parents with jobs to get to there on time. But Saturday matches? Come on people. It's similar to what I experienced when our son played high school basketball. We would go to his games and get to meet the parents of the other players. At one particular game, I remember talking to one of the other fathers, mentioning I hadn't seen him in a while, and that it was good to have him back in the stands with the rest of us. He said, “Yeah, I haven't been coming because my son doesn't get to play much. He just sits on the bench. No sense in coming if he's not playing.” Ouch, I thought. What a missed opportunity to be part of his son's life without having to say or do anything. Just sit and watch, even if his boy is on the bench. Just show up. We underestimate the power of showing up for things our kids are involved in. Our son sat on the bench for a while, too. But to only come when your kid is playing sends the wrong kind of message. It says, “I want to be part of your life when you're succeeding, namely when the coach gets you off the bench and puts you in the game. But otherwise, not so much.” This isn't the way to develop good relationships with your children. Tell people how they impacted you makes for good relationships Here's another example of a good relationship at work. There's a small diner near us where Janet and I have gotten to know the manager. She was working the grill the last time we were there. It was quite busy, but when things slowed down, she came out to our booth and said, “I just listened to your latest podcast episode, and it brought me to tears. I'm going to go back to episode 1 and start listening to all of them. I especially want to hear the interview that you did about the wife who cleaned off the grave marker of her husband's first wife.” What kind and thoughtful comments for the manager to make in the midst of her busy shift. I got a little sunburn from this relational sunshine. Good relationships can be nurtured by applying what we read in books The last relationship thought I'll leave you with comes from a book I'm reading by Alan Alda entitled If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face - My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating. You remember Alan Alda from M*A*S*H, don't you? Among other things, he talks in the book about how people can actually learn empathy. Really, people can LEARN to be empathetic? That's encouraging! It's such an important part of good relationships. I'm going to review the book in more detail in a future episode. It's really quite good. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to improve the relationships in YOUR life? In the relationship stories I mentioned today, a common theme in all 3 is that they came about by observing. Observing the couple coming to the tennis tournament to support their friend and his granddaughter. The restaurant manager observing how someone was impacting her life and then telling that person. And finally, observing what an author says in his book that will help good relationships develop. So what are you observing in others? In yourself? In the books you read? I'd love to hear any examples you observe of good relationships in action. I bet the rest of our listening audience would, too. You can send them to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org, or by filling in the Leave a Comment box at the end of the show notes. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode One way to develop good relationships is to watch how other people do it. Notice how people show up for one another, how they listen and encourage each other. And then do what they do with your relationships. Closing I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about developing good relationships. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God wants for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/178. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 172: How to Develop Deeper Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last Week's Episode 177: How to Relate With High-Maintenance People Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

It seems to me that we are living in an increasingly noisy world. So many sounds, so many words, so many messages competing for our attention. I'm going to tell you a story today about how someone communicated with whispers that drowned out all the noise in the room. It's a great relationship lesson about listening to the whispers. But before we get into today's topic, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. A volunteer opportunity One of my favorite memories of our twin grandsons growing up is when Janet and I volunteered a couple of hours of our time at their grade school, once every couple of months or so. We would go to their classroom, and their teacher would have us help kids work on various tasks they were assigned. Unlike when we were in grade school, where desks were arranged in straight rows, their classroom had groups of four desks, facing each other to form a square. Janet and I would then go from group to group and help with any math, science, or reading assignments the kids were working on. All this while the teacher was working with her own larger reading group. The most memorable of these occasions happened when the boys were, I think, in 2nd grade. We walked in one morning near the beginning of the school year and met their teacher for the first time. I thought she was an 8th grader - she was so small and looked so very young. I immediately liked her. She assigned us to our different groups of 4 students, while she worked with her group. On this particular day, Janet was off in one corner of the room with a group, while I worked with another group. In mine, there was a boy struggling over something he didn't quite understand. He got so frustrated that he started crying. So I helped him figure out whatever it was he didn't get, and he finally calmed down. I felt so bad for him. School can be so demoralizing for some kids. It got noisy About this time, I noticed that the noise in the classroom began to increase. All these groups of 4 working on things and talking with each other. They weren't goofing off, they were just talking with each other as they did their work. But it was getting louder and louder. I then wondered how this diminutive young teacher was going to handle the situation. When I was a teacher right out of college, I would have shouted out something like , “Hey! It's getting too loud in here! I can't hear myself think. Dial it down a few notches.” She did just the opposite. It was fascinating to watch. When the noise started to get to her too, she stopped with her reading group, and stood up from her chair. Keep in mind she wasn't that much taller than her students. I expected she was going to shout out something, but she didn't. Rather than talking louder than the kids, she spoke softer, almost in a whisper, asking the kids very politely to lower their voices. I was skeptical. How are these kids going to quiet down with her speaking so softly? Then an amazing thing happened. Slowly, one child noticed the teacher talking, who then asked the four classmates in her group to quiet down. “Shhh! I can't hear what she's saying.” This soon spread around the room. Kids stopped talking so they could listen to the whispers of the teacher. My respect for the teacher grew even more. I wish I would have tried this technique when I was in her shoes years ago. Her whispers reminded me of one of my favorite passages in the Bible. God whispers It's a story of Elijah who had just won a confrontation with the prophets of Baal, and he was physically and emotionally exhausted. God then shows up and asks Elijah a question. I'll read the question that begins the story in 1 Kings 19:9-15 “What are you doing here, Elijah?” “Elijah replied, ‘I have zealously served the LORD God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too." “Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire, there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Whispers can get our attention God wasn't in anything dramatic or noticeable. He didn't wow Elijah with his presence. God got Elijah's attention with a gentle whisper. Just like the grade school teacher of my twin grandsons. It's how God works a lot of times, through his gentle whisper. It's hard for us to hear his whispers sometimes because of all the noise around us competing for our attention. I don't need to give you examples, you know what I'm talking about. They're the metaphorical windstorms, earthquakes, and fires that Elijah experienced. It's hard to hear the whispers of God through them. But we can if we try. Like the 2nd graders who stopped talking so they could hear their soft-spoken teacher speak. So what does all this mean for YOU? A couple of ideas come to mind about listening to the whispers of God. I'll start with noise. Get rid of it as best you can. Turn off the radio, the music, the TV. And dare I say… the podcast. Build some measure of silence into your life. Create space for God to whisper to you. God is a gentleman and won't barge into your mind and heart if they're filled with things that distract you from Him. I wonder, too, if God, through his Holy Spirit, has already been whispering to you. Is he prompting you to take a certain action or think a particular thought? Like saying something to encourage someone. Or deciding to forgive that person who hurt you. Hmmm. Finally, if you're not hearing anything from God, ask him to whisper something important to you that you need to hear. The whisper may come from a verse in the Bible, something you see in nature, or a thought from a friend. There's no limit to God's creativity in communicating with us. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode The loud and dramatic get our attention. Most of it, though, is just noise. And it's not how God usually communicates with us. More often than not, he reaches out to us with whispers. Whispers from his Holy Spirit, from the Bible, and from people he prompts to act on our behalf. Good things happen when we listen to God's whispers. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about listening to the whispers from God. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/179. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

You wouldn't think you could find joy in the midst of difficult life events, but you can if you know how to look for it. Today's episode is an interview with someone who did just that. Stuck in the world's busiest airport after her flight was canceled, Our guest today, Jennifer Uren, shares what she did while waiting on standby for another flight, anxious to get to her destination for a speaking engagement the next day. Besides being one of the most interesting stories I've heard in a while, it illustrates a relationship lesson the rest of us can use to find joy even when life takes us in a direction we'd rather not go. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Near the end of today's show, I'm going to explain a new technology I want to try out that involves your participation. It has the potential to be great fun, but more on that later. An intriguing Facebook post To begin, here's my interview with Jennifer Uren. It starts with why I contacted her in the first place. [I'm sorry there's no transcript of the interview. Please consider listening to it by clicking on johncertalic.com/180. Here though, is her Facebook post which prompted me to contact her.] “Monday I was delayed and hung out at the airport all day and people watched. “When you pay attention, you can find connections and ways to serve weary travelers. “Like the older gentleman making calls and getting the runaround and hearing him say, ‘I don't have anything to write with,' so you jump up and bring him a pen so he doesn't have to call back. “Or the mom standing in line to talk with the gate agent while her toddler explores, and you make eye contact to let her know you'll be her second set of eyes. “Or the gentleman who has been on standby all day with you and just needed someone to hear his story and how he misses his dog.” So what does all this mean for YOU? I sure enjoyed my conversation with Jennifer, and I hope you did. too. I love how her Facebook post illustrated the ORA principle of relationships I've talked about on this podcast. Observe - Reflect - Act. Her action at the airport was the result of her reflection on what she observed while waiting all day to catch her flight. Today's episode also makes me wonder how you can use what you've heard today to find more joy in the relationships in your life. I suggest that instead of looking outside of yourself to find more joy in life, look inside and ask how yourself, how can I create a small measure of joy for others? By becoming a source of joy for people, you'll create it for yourself. It's an unusual place to find joy, I know. It's counter-intuitive. But it works. Give it a try. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode To find more joy in life, don't limit yourself to the usual places you go to. Entertainment, sports, family, close friends. Those are sources of joy we draw from, which are all fine. Instead, expand your horizons and see if you can find joy in difficult circumstances by creating it for others. Maybe even for complete strangers. Because when we create joy for others, we create it for ourselves. Closing In closing, I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show - enough to try creating a little joy for the people you meet. I'd love to hear how this goes for you, so please contact me with any stories of what you try doing. Stories similar to what you heard in today's episode. And this is where the new technology comes in that I mentioned earlier. To contact me with the brief stories you want to share, go to the website Podinbox.com/John. There you can record a voice message with your response from either your phone or computer. Include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. Nothing to write at all. I'll then play a few of the responses in a future episode. Who knows, I may pick yours! It will look good on your resume if I do! That website again Podinbox.com/John. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/180. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to check out Jennifer's podcast, This Mom Knows. And while you're at, spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 085: Finding Joy at the End of 2020 103: The Secret to Great Relationships 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

A friend I hadn't seen in a while asked me the other day what was going on in my life. “Lots of death,” I said, filling in my response with examples.. Another thing going on was a moment of tenderness I saw in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. I've been thinking for days about the tenderness I saw in both the restaurant and the deaths I described. It's what we're looking at in today's episode. Tenderness in relationships found in unusual places. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Two Funerals Last week's episode, no. 180 was about finding joy in an unusual place. Today we're going to look at tenderness in relationships, and two unusual places to find it. The first is in the context is death. It's certainly an unusual place to think about tenderness, but I saw it at the funeral of Dennis, the husband of a former co-worker of mine who died unexpectedly. I didn't know him all that well, but I saw his tenderness in the photos of him with his wife and children. The slideshow that flashed across the screen at the front of the sanctuary showed a man who loved his family. You could see it in his smile. You could also hear it in what the pastor shared about him and his faithfulness and commitment to his family. Another place I saw tenderness was at the memorial service for a longtime friend and missionary who succumbed to cancer. I couldn't make it to the service in person, so I watched it online. He was a leader and visionary in his mission organization and several of his colleagues talked about what a kind and compassionate man he was. With tears in their eyes, they spoke of his humility and how he mentored each of them in ways that brought out the best in each one of them. His wife and son also spoke. His wife, in particular, showed how devastated her loss has been. She spoke briefly about how much God hates death and the impact it has had on her. The tenderness in her loving relationship with her husband made the pain of her tragedy all the more difficult to watch. Shouldering a difficult responsibility The last example of death that's been surrounding me lately began with a text I recently received from Martin, my former missionary friend. I talked about him in episodes 071 and 072. Martin wrote. “Josephine went to be with Jesus this afternoon and is now again united with Suzanne.” Josephine was his wife Suzanne's mother who lived with them. When Suzanne died two years ago, Martin became the prime caregiver of his mother-in-law. This was a difficult responsibility for Martin in the context of his deep grief over losing his wife so suddenly and unexpectedly. It was also burdensome because of the significant health challenges his 80-something mother-in-law faced. I don't know of many men who would have accepted this responsibility. Over the past two years, Martin and I talked about how wearisome it was for him. But in his commitment to his mother-in-law, I saw a tenderness in his relationship to his deceased wife. By caring for her mother, Martin was honoring Suzanne. Both of them returned first from China and then Germany to move to Chicago for the sole purpose of caring for Josephine. And Martin followed through on that commitment even though his wife was no longer with him to help. It's really quite a touching story of love. Tenderness at a restaurant Finally, In the midst of all this death I've been talking about, there was also a moment of tenderness I witnessed in a man consoling his wife in a restaurant. Not about death, but about money. I've been thinking about it for days. I saw it played out on a weekend trip Janet and I took to a vacation spot in northeastern Wisconsin, Door County. There's a well-known restaurant there we like to go to for breakfast, The White Gull Inn. While walking behind the hostess ushering us to our table, I spotted a young couple in their early 30s. I only overheard a small part of their conversation as they talked over the menu options. It was when the husband leaned across the table to his wife, looked her in the eye, and with the most compassionate and reassuring of voices, said, “…. we're on vacation.” It was a moment of tenderness I won't soon forget. From what I could tell from hearing the husband and seeing his eyes and body language, “We're on vacation” was code for, “Don't worry about the price, honey. Order what you'd really like. I know what you'd like is a little more expensive, but we've been pinching pennies all year. I know you worry about spending too much money, but just this once, treat yourself. You're worth it. We'll be okay with the money. We'll figure it out. We've been saving for quite a while to do this. So enjoy yourself, please. Do it for me, okay? We're on vacation.” I could only see the back of the wife's head, but I have a hunch there were tears in her eyes in response to the tenderness of her husband. We've been there too Janet and I are twice as old as this couple, and we've had a number of “…we're on vacation” moments like this. Where because of our financial condition at the time, the price difference between two scrambled eggs and the Denver omelet seemed like half a mortgage payment. I was so taken by this guy's compassion for his wife. It encouraged me to be more like him. And then, several days after this tender moment in time, I thought of something else. I wish I would have had the presence of mind to get the attention of their waitress and tell her to bring me their bill, and I would pay for it. Yeah, I wish I would have thought of that. So what does all this mean for YOU? I've talked about two unusual places where I found tenderness. At funerals and at a restaurant. How about you? I wonder what are the unusual places you've found tenderness displayed. My guess is there are more places all of us could witness tender relationship moments if we paid attention and looked for them. Now is as good a time as any to start. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode The tenderness you see in relationships, often in unusual places, can inspire us to develop and nurture tenderness in our own relationships. It's worth the effort to look for it. We'll be better people for it. Relationship question of the month Last week I introduced you to PodInBox.com, a website you can go to to leave a private voicemail for me. I would like to experiment with this tool to get listeners more involved with the episodes I'm planning for November, the month of Thanksgiving. For example, I have a relationship question I'd like you to answer by going to podinbox.com/john. There you can record your answer to my question using your phone or computer. I'm going to call it my “Question of the Month.” With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. There's nothing to write or prepare. Okay? Here's the question: What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for? It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you're grateful for would be fair game. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call. I'll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode, either in writing or a phone call through PodinBox.com/John. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about looking for tenderness in unusual places. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/181. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 072: How to Help a Grieving Friend 071: What I learned from a Grieving Friend 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy Our website where you can access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

It happened a few weeks ago, another one of those It was the last time I will ever … moments. It was the last time I experienced something so meaningful and enjoyable that it brought on a tinge of sadness knowing I will never experience it again. But based on several other last time I will ever … events in my life I know I can be thankful for what comes next. And so can you. It's what I talk about in today's episode, the first in my “Thankful in November” series starting today. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach. I'mhere to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page. Enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The last little league baseball game I will ever see I've got three, “the last time I will ever… " stories to share with you today. Events in my life I'm thankful for this November, a month we celebrate thankfulness. I'm talking about them today hoping it will get you thinking about your the last time I will ever… moments in your life that you can be thankful for. The first of my stories is prompted by the times I drive past a local park near where we live. It's where our twin grandsons, Grant and George played little league baseball when they were young. They're both 20 years old now and in college. They played in this baseball league through 6th grade, which was the age limit by which they could participate. Driving past this park reminds me of the last baseball game they played in. They played for one of those leagues that downplay competitiveness so that everyone on the team gets to play in every game. Even if it is just for an inning. It was all about fun, not about winning. The last out to win the game and end the season In the boys' last game for the season at this park, their team was up by a run at the top of the last inning. George was playing first base, Grant was at third. The batter for the other team hit a grounder to Grant, who fielded the ball cleanly. He then reared back and with all his might and strength threw the ball in the air as hard as his skinny arm would allow to his brother at first base. George easily caught the ball on the fly, and stepped on first base to make the final out to end the game. The final play, of the final game, of their final season as little league baseball players. Shortly after this. it hit me, this was the last time I will ever see them play little league baseball together again. It was the end of an era in their still very young lives. It was the end of the joy Janet and I were so thankful for that we could be part of as spectators. More joy would come later for other things, but this one last moment. This one last time I will ever … moment filled me with joy I am still thankful for years later. I'm thankful for being part of the joy they experienced in playing well together for the very last time. Thankful to see that last play that so symbolizes their connection with each as twin brothers. Her last tennis match I will ever see Another of my the last time I will ever… moments happened just a few weeks ago. Our granddaughter Eleanor is a high school senior and has been on her school's tennis team since she was a freshman. It's been a great run for her in many ways. Girls' high school tennis is a fall sport where we live. Each season concludes with a state tournament that began a few weeks ago. I drove out to the school where the first round was to be held to watch Eleanor play. I knew she wasn't going to know until after she warmed up if she'd even be able to play. Eleanor's had a painful knee problem for the last part of the season, and then the callouses on her feet had recently broken open, exposing very tender skin. Yikes. She decided after warming up to give it a go, so I watched her play and win her match. Though she won and advanced to the next round, the pain in her knee and feet was too much, forcing her to withdraw from the next round. The risk of further injury was too great and not worth it. You see Eleanor is also very active in ballet, and an important performance was coming up. She didn't want to jeopardize participation in her last year of dance. But I was so happy and thankful she got to win the last high school match she will ever play in. Yet at the same time, I felt a pit in my stomach knowing this was the last time I will ever see her do so. It was kind of sad, actually. The next thing after the last thing I'm sure you've had your own this is the last time I will ever… moments in life. The thing I've learned about them is that they often lead to something better. It's not always true, but often the last time of experiencing something good makes room for the next thing - a better thing - to occur. As with most kids, Eleanor learned valuable lessons in sports that will serve her well for many years into the future. Her last time I will ever… moment was built upon hard work, sacrifice, dealing with adversity, and self-discipline. It's prepared her well for something even better coming down the road as a young adult. What she learned in her last thing has been great preparation for the next thing, whatever that may be. Two of the last time I will ever… moments converge There's an interesting connection to this last-time-moment of Eleanor's and one of my own the last time I will ever…events. At least it's interesting to me, and hopefully to you, too. In the four years Eleanor played tennis for her school, she had never played at the high school where the sectionals for the state tournament were held, and where she played her last ever tennis match. It surprised me because the school is fairly close to her own. I thought the two were in the same conference, but they weren't, I later learned. The connection with me is that I was a teacher for 7+ years at this very same high school where Eleanor played her last tennis match. It is the site of one of the most significant last time I will ever … moments in my life. In December of 1978, at the end of the last school day right before Christmas. I walked out of my classroom, down the stairs, and out to the parking lot to my car to drive away for the last time I will ever teach at that school. Or any school for that matter. I did so with tears in my eyes because I so loved my job. It was a great experience for me, one I've always been thankful for even many years later. But on this day I was hanging it up for the last time. Why I left teaching is a story for another day, but for now, I can tell you I felt God calling me into the business world. In order to do this, our school superintendent was so kind and gracious in letting me out of my teaching contract in the middle of the year. On to the next thing “Best of luck to you,” he said the last time I saw him. “I got started in business and years ago made the switch o public education. Now you're going in the opposite direction. I hope it works out well for you, but if it doesn't, you'll be welcomed back here if we have an opening.” Eleanor's last time I will ever play high school tennis and my last time I will ever teach in a high school occurred in the very same place, just 40-some years apart. My last time I will ever teach at that high school led to a 25-year career in business, which paved the way for 10+ years in the missionary care ministry My wife and I are involved in now. I am so thankful for this last time ever experience, even for the sadness that came with it, because it showed I was leaving something meaningful to me. There was a sense of loss in the midst of the excitement of going to something new, with all the possibilities that awaited me in the business world. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for your life? It's important to note that not all the last time I will ever… moments are as positive as the ones I've described. Living in a fallen world as we do, there's the last time we will ever see a loved one, the last time I will ever work at a job I was forced out of, the last time I will ever find joy in a relationship that ended, etc. You know what I'm talking about. Having said this, though, it's helpful to look for the joy when we go through a the last time I will ever… moment. Sometimes the joy is found in a beautiful memory it created, and sometimes it's found in anticipating the future. I wonder what joy you may have found in one of your the last time I will ever… moments. I bet our other listeners would love to know, too. You can share this in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes, or you can send it to me in an email to john@caringforothers.org. Better yet, respond with your phone or computer by going to PodinBox.com/John, and record your answer, much like leaving a voice mail. Relationship question of the month What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for? It can be just about anything. Like a time someone was especially kind to you. Or maybe something you learned from a person in your life. It could be something you observed in a crowd or in the company of strangers. Just about anything involving a relationship you're grateful for would be fair game. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer. If something comes to mind right now, head over to PodinBox.com/John and give me a call. I'll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, to put into practice what you've heard about finding joy in reflecting upon the last time you ever experienced something significant to you. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God designed for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. Come back next time for episode 183 and another relational part of life we can be thankful for this November in 2022, and every month and year thereafter. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/182. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 181: Tenderness Found in Two Unusual Places The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

In last week's episode, no. 182, we began our Thankful in November series by talking about being thankful for the last time we experienced something. Today we continue this series by considering the blessing of being thankful for the people who inspire us. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Two words to describe our podcast If I could use only one word to describe our You Were Made for This podcast, it would be “relationships.” And if I could add one more word to the description, it would be “joy.” As in how to experience more joy in the relationships God designed for us. It's what we were made for. Inspire One source of joy in relationships is to be thankful for people who inspire us. “Inspire” is an interesting word. It literally means "to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something." My wife used to love going to a home furnishings store by the name of Inspire. It sold decorative items for your house like pillows, small pieces of furniture, things to hang on the wall. Stuff like that. It certainly filled my wife with the urge to do something. I'll leave it to your imagination to guess what that urge might have been. She doesn't go there anymore because the store went out of business. At least that's what I've been telling her when she talks about going back there. Let's just keep that a secret between you and me. Okay? When my book came out in 2016, THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others, Writer's, Digest Magazine awarded it “best inspirational book of the year.” My purpose in writing the book was to urge people to care better for each other, which would make us feel good about ourselves, because we were made for this. “Inspire”: to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something. People can Inspire us The Inspire store and my book were intentional about their purpose in urging people to do something or feel something. I would add motivational speakers to these two intentional sources of inspiration. But for me, I've always been thankful for people who inspire us unintentionally by the way they live. They're the examples I would like to be more like. They don't tell you how to conduct yourself, they show you. They're the people who inspire us without even trying to do so. Here's a recent example from just two months ago. Queen Elizabeth II When Queen Elizabeth II died on September 8, 2022, there was an outpouring of admiration for her and the way she lived her life. Ruling England for over 70 years, you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who didn't admire her. A particularly insightful article by Daniel Henninger, one of my favorite newspaper columnists, appeared in The Wall Street Journal a week or so after she died. I'll quote a few paragraphs from his piece, entitled “The Countercultural Queen”: Within the hour of her death, Queen Elizabeth II was praised by commentators from left to right for representing so many traditional values. Reserve, self-containment, duty, responsibility. modesty of demeanor, graciousness, civility, prudence, fortitude… What is most notable is that this instant outpouring of media praise for the queen's traditional virtues comes amid a contemporary culture that elevates daily, even hourly, a value system of self-regard, self-promotion, changeability, acting out, and anything-goes behavior that is the polar opposite of Queen Elizabeth's. The queen's own family reflected this trend. First Princess Diana in the 1980s rode the rising celebrity wave, and ultimately it drowned her. Then Prince Harry married Meghan Markle, known primarily as an influencer. “Influencer” is the defining word of our times. An influencer's success depends overwhelmingly on one thing: self-promotion accomplished by rising in the hot-air balloons of Instagram, TikTok, and other social media. The goal is to marry marketing with fame. Because influencers do it, millions of others, often young women make preoccupation with self the one habit that directs their lives. A contrast of values To say that the queen's values were traditional means they existed for a very long time. The poised 14-year-old Elizabeth we heard in news clips reading her first public speech to children during the Blitz of World War II had by then had by then been taught personal virtues held in high regard for centuries in the West and arguably longer in the East. In our time, however, personal virtue has been demoted by social virtue. One effect of giving social responsibility more weight than personal responsibility is that it gives people a pass on their personal behavior. So long as one's life is “centered” on some larger social good, the conduct of one's personal life is well, irrelevant… The queen's habits were a source of personal stability. Modern values are a source of instability. The habits of behavior associated with her are not about mere goodness, but about creating a structure of life inside of which one can then perform successfully as a person, hopefully for the good. She did that for her country for 70 years. Henninger's column is a reminder that people who inspire us often run against the grain of contemporary culture. Queen Elizabeth showed us we can live a fulfilling meaningful life when it is based on the personal virtues that have been admired down through the ages. So what does all this mean for YOU? A couple of thoughts come to mind. They start with going back to the definition of “inspire” I mentioned earlier, “to fill someone with the urge to do or feel something.” Wouldn't it be great if people said that you inspired them to be more like you? That because of who you are and how you lived you motivated them to think or behave in a way that may not have been their natural inclination? That because of you they became a better person? It's possible for you to be an inspiration to others when you follow the teachings of Jesus, and day by day become more like the person he created you to be. As that happens, people will notice. And they will be inspired. Another thought I have is really a question. I wonder about the people who inspire you. What are they like? What do they do to fill you with the urge to do or feel something? And then how do they do it? This question I'm asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely, What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to podinbox.com/Johnn and leave a message for me. I'll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. A person who inspires me On a personal note, one person who inspires me is my boss and our executive producer, Carol Steward. You hear her introduce me at the beginning of each episode. In episode 021 I describe how I first met Carol, and how she inspired Janet and me to enter into a personal relationship with Jesus. I also talk about this life-changing experience in chapter 7 of my book, THEM. You can learn more about Carol and how Jesus has been the cornerstone of her relationship with Janet and me in a two-part interview I did with her in episodes 100 and 101. I'll have links to all this at the bottom of the show notes. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Being thankful for the people who inspire us has a way of motivating us to become inspiring people ourselves. Each day by becoming more like the men and women God created us to be, we model and inspire others to be the person God created them to be as well. Relationship question of the month Please don't forget our Relationship Question of the month for November. What is a story from one of your relationships that you are especially thankful for because of how it inspires you? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. If you'd rather not record anything, please email your answer to me at john@caringforothers.org. You can also leave a written response at the bottom of the show notes for this episode in the “Leave a Comment” box. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to be thankful for the people who inspire you. And then to become more of an inspiring person yourself. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/183. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related episodes you may want to listen to 180: An Unusual Place to Find Joy 100: Start Conversations with Remembering 101: Life-Giving Relationships 021: The Most Important Relationship of All THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others Last week's episode 182: Thankful for “The Last Time I Will Ever…” The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

A family friend and listener to this podcast told me about an unpleasant experience she recently had at a big box retail store that got me thinking about climate change. Not the climate change we hear environmentalists and politicians talk about. I'm thinking about relational climate change. How the climate in a room changes when parents fail to discipline their children. And how it improves when they do. Continuing our “Thankful in November” series, today's episode is about how we can be thankful for parents who discipline their children because of how it improves the relational climate we live in. But before we get into today's episode, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The need for a relational climate change I think most of us at one time or another experienced what a listener to our podcast went through recently while in the check-out line at Walmart. A father in front of her had a toddler strapped in his cart, while another young child, standing at his side, engaged in all manner of behavior to irritate the kid in the cart. The poking and taunting of the toddler elicited back-and-forth yelling between the two kids. And what do you think the father did about this? You guessed, it. Nothing. It got so irritating to our listener friend that she stepped out of line, abandoned her cart, and went across the street to a grocery store to buy the same items she left behind at Walmart. The climate change between the two stores was palpable. From chaos at Walmart to peace and calm at the grocery store. No undisciplined kids creating tension for fellow shoppers. The sad thing for me about stories like this is that it's not the kids' fault. It's on the parents for failing to disciple their children. The dad in this case needed to go sit on a chair in the time-out corner. My thoughts on child discipline Having raised two kids of my own with my wife, and then watching them parent their own children, I learned a few things about disciplining children. I'll start with this. Parents who discipline their children well when they are younger will have to discipline them less when they're older. When you don't discipline kids when they're young, it is much harder to do so when they're older as teenagers when the consequences of bad behavior are much greater. And then if you don't discipline them as teenagers, you get adults like Meghan Markle who's at the epicenter of the family dysfunction in Britain's royal family. It's been reported that he said he regrets not disciplining his daughter when she was a child. “I gave her everything she wanted,” he said. “I never said no.” Parents are sometimes reluctant to discipline their kids because they want their kids to like them, to not be upset with them. They want their children to view them as a friend. Children don't need you to be their friend. They need you to be a strong parent to teach them the most important thing they need to know as a young child, and that is to obey. The most important thing a young child needs to know The main job of young children is to learn to obey. Oh, there is so much disobedience out there. But it doesn't have to be that way. Years ago I attended a week-long conference featuring Christian Counselors Larry Crabb and Dan Allender. During a Q & A session, someone asked Crabb for parenting advice. He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts and said, “I'm not a parenting expert by any stretch of the imagination. All I can tell you is that the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child. Stick with that, and you'll do fine as a parent.” Let that sink in for a moment, “the main task of a parent is to drive foolishness out of the heart of a child.” It's taken from Proverbs 22:15 in the Bible. Parenting by a thousand paper cuts If there was ever a comment to illustrate the phrase, “easier said than done.” It would be Crabb's comment. Parenting is hard work. Kids wear you down. Over and over again they push you to your limits of patience. If I were to write a parenting book, I would entitle it, Parenting by a Thousand Paper Cuts. How many times do you have to say “no?” How many times do you have to pit your will against your child's will? It is so much easier to give in to your kid's disobedience. To just raise your voice at them, with no attendant consequence for their disobedience. When a child disobeys, a negative consequence for the child is called for. Just raising your voice out of frustration for the child not obeying you won't cut it. A parent's job in dealing with disobedience is to introduce some form of “pain” into their life. Depriving them of something they enjoy usually works. And every kid is different in this regard. It's not rocket science. So what does God say about discipline? Through Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, God has a number of things to tell about us about discipline in the Book of Proverbs. I count ten verses dealing with the discipline of children. The first five are directed to children themselves, the recipients of parental discipline. If you have kids, you might want to share these with them. It likely won't register with your children at the moment you need to disciple them. Instead, share these verses after the storm of misbehavior passes and relational calm returns. How children should view discipline With regard to children and what their attitude should be, Solomon says the following: Proverbs 1: 8 My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don't neglect your mother's instruction. Proverbs 4: 1-2 My children, listen when your father corrects you. Pay attention and learn good judgment, for I am giving you good guidance. Don't turn away from my instructions. Proverbs 6: 20 - 23 My son, obey your father's commands, and don't neglect your mother's instruction. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck. When you walk, their counsel will lead you. When you sleep, they will protect you. When you wake up, they will advise you. For their command is a lamp and their instruction a light; their corrective discipline is the way to life. Proverbs 12:1 To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction. Proverbs 13:1 A wise child accepts a parent's discipline; a mocker refuses to listen to correction. Why parents need to discipline their children As for parents, here are principles from the Book of Proverbs to keep in mind about why it is so important for them to discipline their children. Proverbs 13: 24 Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. Proverbs 22:15 A youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but physical discipline will drive it far away. This is the sum total of Larry Crabb's philosophy I mentioned earlier. Proverbs 23:13-14 Don't fail to discipline your children. The rod of punishment won't kill them. Physical discipline may well save them from death. Proverbs 29:15 To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child. Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? If you're a parent, disciplining your children, not only benefits them and you, it also goes a long way to improving the relational climate of those around you. No one wants to be around bratty kids. No one wants to be around parents who ignore or can't handle their child's misbehavior. People probably won't say so, but we'll be thankful for you when your kids act up and you step in to take control of them. So be the kind of parent we can all be thankful for. To see this in action, one really helpful thing you can do is watch episodes of the TV Show, Supernanny. You can see past episodes on YouTube. You'll get a lot of good ideas to help you understand what may be causing you to be weak when it comes to child discipline, and how to get a lot better at it. I'll have a link to it in the show notes. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Be thankful for parents who discipline their children. Teaching children to obey teaches them they are not the center of the universe, a lesson one can never learn too early. It also makes them a lot easier to parent when they're teenagers. It's a great gift to society when parents discipline their children well. Relationship question of the month. This question I'm asking you is part of the Relationship Question of the month for November. Namely, What is one relationship you are especially thankful for? Just go to PodinBox.com/John  and record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on November 16, 2022. Again, head over to  PodinBox.com/John  and leave a message for me. I'll pick several responses to air on our Thanksgiving episode. Who knows, it could be yours! And if so, it will look good on your resume. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about disciplining children For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/184. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Related resources to today's episode 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All The TV show, Supernanny Last week's episode 183: Thankful for People Who Inspire Us The place to access all past and future episodes go to JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

For the past two years, my grandson George has been a resident assistant in his college dorm. Before students check in at the start of the school year, each RA creates a bulletin board for their floor with here's-who-I-am information about themself. It's a way to start building a sense of community. I wish they would have had something like this when I was in college. The only thing posted in my day was the time and place of the next anti-war protest rally. Demonstrations about how the South succeeding from the Union was going to lead to war. That kind of thing. Anyway, I've included a photo of George's RA bulletin board . As you can see, at the top he posted in big bold letters, "Are You Curious About George?,"  accompanied by a cut-out of the Curious George monkey. He then attached pictures representing his interests and things important to him. I'm going to tell you what happened as a result of that creative bulletin board, but before I do, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Was anyone curious about George? Just recently I talked to George about his RA bulletin board and asked him if anyone on his floor was, in fact, curious about him. Did anyone ask about any of the things he displayed about his interests? “Just one person,” George said. “And it was only a very brief conversation.” Yeah, that's how it usually goes, I thought. There aren't a lot of relationally curious people out there. And that's a shame. I talked about this in several episodes in the past, and I'll have links to them at the end of the show notes: Why I'm thankful for Curious people But here's why I'm thankful for relationally curious people, though they are few in number. Not nosey people, but curious people. I talk about the difference in episode 165. Curious people honor others by wanting to know someone's story. By being interested in a person's history, and why someone is the way they are. With the questions they ask, they give people a voice and an opportunity to be known. I'm thankful for people like this. Curious people try to connect with others by listening, rather than talking. Oh, there are so many talkers out there today, but so few really good listeners. Most talkers are good people and mean well. But sadly, they engage with others by using their words rather than their ears. Curious people aren't like this. They tend to be good listeners. They draw people out to make them the center of attention, rather than themself. I'm always drawn to someone who by their very nature makes other people the focus of a conversation, rather than themself. Curious people are like this, and I'm thankful for them. Another thing about curious people that I appreciate is how they deal with relational problems. They are curious enough to look below the surface of an issue to discover what may be causing it. Curious people look beyond the obvious. They consider possibilities that may go unnoticed by others. So what does all this mean for YOU? How can you use what you've heard today about curious people to help you find more joy in the relationships in your life? I suggest giving a try at being more relationally curious yourself. In conversations with people make fewer statements and instead ask more questions. Ask just one follow-up question and see how that enriches your relationships. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Be thankful for the relationally curious people in your life. They bless us by showing how we can all connect better with each other by listening, rather than talking. They honor us by giving us a voice so that we feel the joy of being known. Relationship question of the month. In previous episodes, I asked for your response to a question I asked for the month of November. I did not get ANY. That's OK. We'll give it one more try. This question I'm asking you for December is What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? Some tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday? Just go to PodinBox.com/John to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. If you'd rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I'll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to be a little more curious about the people who cross your path. And then act on your curiosity. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/185. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 062: Vaccine Now Available for this Relational Virus (i.e., lack of curiosity ) 063: Six Reasons Why We're Not Curious About People 073: Could Curiosity About Others Minimize Racism 165: Nosey People Weaken Relationships; Curious People Strengthen Them Last week's episode 184: Thankful for Parents Who Discipline Their Children The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.  

My friend Larry Goring died 2 months ago after a nine-month battle with cancer. He was only 73, and I miss him greatly. Larry was one of the original board members of our missionary care ministry, Caring for Others, and was always a great encouragement to me. His wife Jill gave me permission to share some of the details following Larry's death that I want to share with you. I'm doing so because here in November 2022, the month we celebrate Thanksgiving, Jill's response shows us how we can be thankful for life after death. What she did for Larry's funeral service is quite encouraging, and I thought you would appreciate a little encouragement today. But before I tell you what Jill did, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Thankful for Life After Death Thank you, Carol. I'll start by reading part of the email Janet and I received from Jill, the night Larry died at home, surrounded by Jill and their two adult children. “We are grief-stricken. At the same time, we are so thankful that he is pain-free and joy-filled and enjoying the glories of heaven, meeting his savior, reuniting with his parents, his brother-in-law, my nephew, and so many other dear ones. We are grateful for what the Lord Jesus did to make this possible. We were sitting with him and playing one of the many songs he loves [The Holy City] when he took his last breath. “Everywhere we turn in the house makes us weep with his absence. We wish we could just sit and cry and hug all of you who loved him. Thank you for your prayers.” The burial service Twelve days later Jill wrote: “Tomorrow it will be a week since Larry's burial service. It crushes my heart to write those words. “We gathered for some family time at the funeral home, and whoever wanted to read a verse took a printed one before we crossed the street to the cemetery. “At the graveside, all we did was read these Scriptures. “Each voice was loud and clear with not a single stumble—from the eight-year-old to the teenagers to the nieces and nephews and us older ones. It was powerfully comforting. “Tonight—my first night home alone--I am reading them again. As I will do over and over again. I hope you are blessed by them. “Thank you again for your prayers. Jill” Scriptures that assure us of life after death Several weeks later when Jill was visiting us in our home, she told us more about Larry's burial service. 15- 20 people gathered around the gravesite, ranging in ages from 8 to 73. Jill had printed scripture verses on 5x7 notecards that spoke of life after death and the encouragement we can draw from them. Anyone who wanted to read the Bible verses could do so. Here are the verses people read standing around the gravesite. I hope you can picture the scene. May they give those of us with a relationship with Jesus great comfort, both now, and for when our time on earth comes to an end. John 3:16-17 [Jesus talking to the religious teacher Nicodemus] God loved the world so much that He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. That's why God sent his son—not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. John 5:24-25 [Jesus' promise] I'm telling you the absolute truth: those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins—in fact, they have already passed from death into life. And I assure you that the time is coming, indeed it's here now, when the dead will hear my voice—the voice of the Son of God. And those who listen will live! Picture someone reading John 11:23-26 [Jesus talking to Mary at her brother Lazarus' grave] Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.  But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.” “Yes,” Martha said, “he will rise when everyone else rises, at the last day.” Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.  Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?” “Yes, Lord,” she told him. “I have always believed you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one who has come into the world from God.” II Timothy 4:6-8 [some of the apostle Paul's last words as he awaits life after death ] As for me, my life has already been poured out as an offering to God. The time of my death is near.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.  And now the prize awaits me—the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing. I Corinthians 13:11-15 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. II Corinthians 4:16-5:9.  What we know about life after death [The apostle Paul in his second letter to the church at Corinth] [And so] we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. Because the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. We know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. …While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee, he has given us his Holy Spirit. [5:6-9] We're very sure of that, dear friends. We live believing that, even though we can't see it with our eyes. We know that as soon as we leave these earthly bodies—we'll be at home with the Lord! And that's where we'd rather be! But no matter where we are—whether in these bodies or there with him—our goal is to please him. Picture one of the children reading from the following. It's from the apostle Paul and one of his letters to a church he loved dearly. He described Papa's (i.e, what the grandkids called Larry) future & ours: Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies. Because here's the thing, dear brothers and sisters. God has amazing, eternal blessings planned for us. But our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever. Our bodies have to be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies have to be changed into immortal bodies to experience the eternal blessings God has prepared for us. [That's what's going to happen to Papa and great-grandpa Bartlett and all us ‘left-behind' ones!] Those left behind can be thankful for life after death And for we who are left behind: Listen! Let me tell you a wonderful secret! We may not all die. But we WILL all be transformed. It will happen in a moment—in the blink of an eye-- when the last trumpet is blown. I say ‘in the blink of an eye', because when the trumpet sounds, those who have already died will instantly be raised to live forever! And we who are living will also be immediately transformed. Our bodies will be changed into bodies that never die! Then –then what God promised in His Word long ago will be fulfilled: Death is swallowed up in victory. You think you can hurt us, death? You think you've won? Never! You are conquered forever—through Jesus Christ our Lord. [I Corinthians 15:42-55, 58] So my dear children and grandchildren and mother and sister and brother and in-laws and nieces and nephews: be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord—because we know that nothing we do for the Lord is ever useless! Romans 6:5, 8-9 Since we have been united with Christ in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. Parts of Romans 8:18-24 [paraphrase] Just think, friends! We are God's children—His heirs—those He is showering with all His goodness. And in fact we are going to be glorified with Him! And this suffering that we're going through now—it is going to seem like nothing --not even worthy to be mentioned compared with that glory that's ahead. I'm talking about the glory that the whole world will see when God reveals all of us His children--sharing in all His glory! Another reason to be grateful for life after death With eager hope, creation looks forward to the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay.  Right now…all creation is still groaning, as it has been since the fall. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, because we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. That's the hope God gave us when we were saved! Romans 8:31-39 [Larry loved listening to these verses in his final days.] What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?  Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else?  Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself.  Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Another child reads from Colossians 3:1-4 [the apostle Paul to the church at Colosse; Papa loved these verses] Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God's right hand.  Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. Because you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.  And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory! Ephesians 3:14-21 [Paul's prayer for the Ephesians; this is our prayer for all of us in the family] When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. I Thessalonians 4:13-18 [the Apostle Paul explains what will happen to believers who have died] And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. [The reason we don't grieve like they do is] because we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again—so we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout… with the voice of the archangel And with the trumpet call of God. First the believers who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever! So encourage each other with these words. Imagine another child around the gravesite reading from Revelation 21:1-6 [This is what Jesus showed his disciple John, and what Papa and all of us are looking forward to!] Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone.  And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God's home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”  And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. Parts of Revelation 21 tells about life after death So he took me in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and he showed me the holy city, Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God.  It shone with the glory of God and sparkled like a precious stone—like jasper as clear as crystal. The wall was made of jasper, and the city was pure gold, as clear as glass. The twelve gates were made of pearls—each gate from a single pearl! And the main street was pure gold, as clear as glass. I saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple.  And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light.  The nations will walk in its light, and the kings of the world will enter the city in all their glory. Its gates will never be closed at the end of day because there is no night there. Parts of Revelation 22 [What awaits us in our life after death is more of what Jesus showed his disciple John—the end of the Story!] No longer will there be a curse upon anything. For the throne of God and of the Lamb will be there, and his servants will worship him.  And they will see his face, and his name will be written on their foreheads, and there will be no night there—no need for lamps or sun—for the Lord God will shine on them. And they will reign forever and ever. Then the angel said to me, “Everything you have heard and seen is trustworthy and true. The Lord God, who inspires his prophets, has sent his angel to tell his servants what will happen soon.” And Jesus said: Look, I am coming soon! Yes, I am coming soon! [And we say:] Amen! Come Lord Jesus! I Timothy 6:15-16 At just the right time Christ will be revealed from heaven by the blessed and only almighty God, the King of all kings and Lord of all lords.  He alone can never die, and he lives in light so brilliant that no human can approach him. No human eye has ever seen him, nor ever will. All honor and power to him forever! Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21 Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. II Thessalonians 2:16-17 Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. Jude 24-25 Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault. All glory to him who alone is God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his …before all time …and in the present …and beyond all time! Amen. 1 Passages from New Living Translation and/or the BRE [Bible in Real English—Jill's paraphrase for kids]. All passages were read clearly and distinctly by adults and children as young as 8, with not a single stumbling. It was a huge blessing to hear. So what does all this mean for YOU? How does what you heard today affect how you view death? Your own death? I wonder what you would like said and done at your funeral service. I especially wonder how your relationship with Jesus, or for some of you, lack of relationship with Him, will affect your last days on earth and the people you leave behind. These are important questions to consider. Our life after death depends on how we answer. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode Our relationship with Jesus enables us to be grateful for life after death. Those we leave behind who also have a relationship with Jesus can be comforted by this important truth. We will all be together again one day because Jesus defeated death. Sadly, there are those who refuse this great gift because they don't want a relationship with Jesus. Relationship question of the month. On a lighter note, our relationship question of the month as we move into the Christmas season is this: What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? What is a tradition or event that stands out for you when you think about this holiday? Just go to johncertalic.com/question to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. If you'd rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. I'll pick several responses to air on one of our episodes before Christmas. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope you were encouraged by the fact that we can be thankful for Life after death Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. The link is JohnCertalic.com/186. Or scroll down to the bottom of the show notes for this episode and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

It's hard to go anywhere this time of the year without hearing Christmas music. They really help set the mood for the holidays, which I love. The melodies of many of the traditional Christmas carols are fixed in our minds because we've heard them for years and years. But often the words are not. Who can remember the 3rd verse of “Silent Night,” for example? The lyrics of the really good Christmas carols have a relationship component to them worth considering this time of year. I'm going to talk about one of these carols in today's episode. But before we get into all this, here's a word from my favorite Christmas Carol, our executive producer, Carol Steward. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. Your host, John Certalic, is an award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Angels We Have Heard on High I have been hearing “Angels We Have Heard on High” as a Christmas Carol ever since I was a kid. I bet the same is true for you, too. It is an easily recognizable tune, mainly because of its chorus, “Gloria In Excelsis Deo” which is Latin for Glory to God in the Highest. Because the melody is so familiar and catchy, the lyrics, except for the first few lines, are something I've never thought much about. Until just recently. This “Angels We Have Heard on High” Christmas Carol has an interesting history, going back to the second century, and an even more interesting meaning for celebrating the Christmas season here in 2022. I'll get into all this in just a moment, but first I'll play the melody and recite the lyrics. Try to focus on the words and their meaning. [Play the melody of “Angels We Have Heard on High”] Lyrics to “Angels We Have Heard on High” [Verse 1] Angels we have heard on high Sweetly singing o'er the plains And the mountains in reply Echoing their joyous strains [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 2] Shepherds why this jubilee? Why your joyous strains prolong? Say what may the tidings be Which inspire your heavenly song? [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 3] Come to Bethlehem and see Him Whose birth the angels sing; Come, adore on bended knee Christ the Lord, the newborn King [Chorus] Gloria In Excelsis Deo Gloria In Excelsis Deo [Verse 4] See within in a manger laid Jesus Lord of heav'n and earth Mary, Joseph lend your aid With us sing our Savior's birth The back story to this Christmas Carol “Angels We Have Heard On High,” is a traditional French Christmas carol, previously known as “The Angels in Our Countryside.” It tells the story of angels announcing to local shepherds the good news of the birth of Jesus. Though the source of the song is unknown, it is believed to have originated in 18th-century France. The song was first translated into English in 1860 by James Chadwick, a Roman Catholic bishop. Just as the origin of the words to this French song is unknown, so also is the melody. Since it was common for lyrics to be written for existing tunes, it is possible that the melody is even older than the words. Gloria in Excelsis Deo The refrain in this Christmas carol, “Gloria in Excelsis Deo,” (Latin for "Glory to God in the Highest”) has an interesting background. The phrase is first found in the Gospel of Luke, chapter 2, verse 14, when a vast host of angels suddenly appear to the shepherds, praising God. Centuries ago in the hills of southern France, tradition has it that shepherds had a Christmas Eve custom of calling to one another, each from their own hillside, singing “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” Verses 1 and 2 in Angels We Have Heard on High” reference this when they speak of the “mountains” (i.e., the shepherds on the mountains) replying to the angels in joyous heavenly song. The phrase “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” played an important part in worship at church masses dating back to 130 A.D. During this time period, one of the early Roman Catholic popes, Pope Telesphorus, issued a decree that on Christmas Day all churches should have special evening services. He also ordered that at these masses, after the reading of certain Scripture or the conclusion of specific prayers, the congregation should always sing the words “Gloria in Excelsis Deo.” Historical church documents reveal that monks carried this executive order throughout the land and that by the third century it was a practice used by most churches at Christmas services. Sources https://genius.com/Christmas-songs-angels-we-have-heard-on-high-lyrics https://www.celebratingholidays.com/?page_id=10563 https://faithgateway.com/blogs/christian-books/angels-we-have-heard-on-high So, what does “Angels We Have Heard of High” mean for you? This Christmas carol stands in sharp contrast to all the things we add to the original meaning of Christmas. The presents, the activities, the gathering of families together. All these are fine, but they have nothing to do with Jesus is the reason for the season. “Angels We Have Heard on High” is largely a song to celebrate the invitation God extends to all of us, you and me included, to come and see who Jesus is. It's to celebrate the generous love of God to give us this greatest gift ever. It's also an encouragement to accept this wonderful invitation. As the angels said to the shepherds, just come and see. Come and see. And that's what “Angels We Have Heard on High” means for us this Christmas season in 2022 and every year. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode A Christmas carol like “Angels We Have Heard on High” invites you and me into a relationship with Jesus, just as it did for the shepherds in the song. It's an invitation for us to either accept or reject. Relationship question of the month for December What joyful memory of Christmas do you have? What is a tradition or event stands out for you when you think about this holiday? Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your answer using your phone or computer. With your answer, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. If you'd rather give a written answer, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll need your response by 5 pm Central time on December 12, 2022. Again, head over to JohnCertalic.com/question and leave a message. I'll pick several responses to air on our episode before Christmas. Closing In closing, I encourage you can take a few minutes to look past the distractions that seep into the Christmas season. I hope you take to reflect on its real meaning so that you can give glory to God in the highest as the shepherds on those French hillsides did so many years ago. I so often close each episode by encouraging you to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet and to spark some joy for them. But for this month, I want to encourage you to be on the lookout for the sunshine God is shining into your life. Expect true Christmas joy to show up on your relational doorstep to surprise you by filling your heart. And I'll end with one last round of “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Merry Christmas and God bless us everyone! Other episodes or resources related to today's show 133: Relationships - The Back Story to the Christmas Story 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 186: Thankful for Life After Death https://www.johncertalic.com/podcast/thankful-for-life-after-death/ The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

In episode 187 last week I talked about the back story behind “Angels We Have Heard on High.” Today I pull the curtain back to look at the history behind another well-known Christmas carol, this one going back to 1719. It never started out to be a song, but before we get into all this, here's a word from another Christmas Carol, one of my favorites, my boss, Carol Steward. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Isaac Watts I'll start by talking about how “Joy to the World, one of the most famous Christmas Carols of all time,” came to be. It starts with the lyrics written in 1719 by hymn writer Isaac Watts. While he is appreciated today in church music circles, during his lifetime Watts was considered by many to be a disturbance of the status quo and even possibly a heretic for the lyrics he wrote. While he wasn't a heretic, he was a revolutionary. Watts grew up in a world where the music in every worship service consisted only of psalms or sections of Scripture put to music. Watts found the practice monotonous. To him, there was a lack of joy and emotion among the people in the pew as they sang. He described it like this, “To see the dull indifference, the negligent and thoughtless air that sits upon the faces of a whole assembly, while the psalm is upon their lips, might even tempt a charitable observer to suspect the fervency of their inward religion.” Yikes, this sounds like me many times. A Christmas carol from a poem I was surprised to learn that the lyrics for “Joy to the World” actually came out of a book of poetry Isaac Watts wrote, where each poem was based on a different psalm from the Bible. Rather than just translating the original Old Testament texts word for word, he adapted them to refer more explicitly to the work of Jesus as it had been revealed in the New Testament. The poetry book was never a best-seller, and the only remnants of it anyone can find is the second part of Psalm 98, which became the basis for “Joy to the World.” While meditating on Psalm 98, verse 4 gripped Watts: “Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth; break forth into joyous song and sing praises!” Watts had no intention of creating a hymn when he composed the verse for Psalm 98 as part of his book of poetry. But then in 1836 a man by the name of Lowell Mason composed a riveting melody for Watts' lyrics, which eventually became quite popular in the church. The lyrics Joy to the world, the Lord is come; Let earth receive her King! 
Let every heart prepare him room And heaven and nature sing! 
And heaven and nature sing . . . and heaven . . . and heaven . . . and nature sing.   Joy to the earth, the Savior reigns! Let men their songs employ 
While fields and floods, rocks, hills, and plains, 
Repeat the sounding joy . .  repeat the sounding joy! 
Repeat . . . repeat . . . the sounding joy!   No more let sins and sorrows grow, Nor thorns infest the ground; He comes to make his blessings flow 
Far as the curse is found . . fFar as the curse is found . . . Far as . . . far as . . . the curse is found!   He rules the world with truth and grace And makes the nations prove The glories of his righteousness And wonders of his love . . . and wonders of his love! And wonders . . . wonders . . . of his love! Hope for better days ahead The intent of Psalm 98 is to bring joy to people. “Joy to the World” inspires us to look forward to the future when sin and sorrow no longer play a part in our lives. Where no thorn infests the ground, and where we are caught up in the grace, glory, and love of God. So what does “Joy to the World” mean for you today It's been 300 years since the carol was written, but it still speaks to us today. It speaks to creating room in our hearts for Jesus, as the third line of the song declares, “Let every heart prepare him room.” No easy task these days with all the distractions we have keeping us from considering our relationship with God and how we should live in light of that relationship. The song speaks to the joy that is yours when you consider that God is in control, that he has defeated sin, and is making his blessings flow. One other thing that “Joy to the World” means is that we can experience joy no matter our circumstances. Yesterday morning I received a text from a missionary who has been serving in South America for many years. She wrote to tell me she just listened again to episode 155, “How to Find Joy No Matter What,” and that it blessed her again in the midst of the stresses of missionary life and relationships in general. To listen to it yourself, just go to JohnCertalic.com/155. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode What better time than this Christmas season to reflect upon how God delivered joy to the world by sending us His son, Jesus. Our relationship with Him is the source of lasting joy worth singing about. Relationship question of the month If you have a relationship question you'd like me to answer in an upcoming episode, please go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer. With your question, please include your name and where you're from. It's that simple. If you'd rather submit a written question, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to reflect upon the meaning of “Joy to the World.” For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Inject a measure of Christmas joy into the lives of others. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's show 155: How to Find Joy No Matter What 134: A Better Kind of Christmas Joy 021: The Most Important Relationship of All https://www.crossway.org/articles/a-brief-history-of-joy-to-the-world/ https://galaxymusicnotes.com/pages/learn-the-story-behind-joy-to-the-world The Gospdel Coalition. "Joy to the World: A Christmas Hymn Reconsidered" Last week's episode 187: This Christmas Carol Invites You The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

My favorite church experience is singing “O Holy Night” at a Christmas Eve service. Many churches will turn off the lights and pass out candles that are lit as the song begins. It's quite moving. Today's episode is about the interesting and surprising history of “O Holy Night.” But first this: Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. "O Holy Night" The words to “ O Holy Night” were written in 1843 by Placide Cappeau, a French wine merchant and poet. Although he was never particularly religious, Cappeau was asked by a local parish priest to write a Christmas poem to celebrate the recent renovation of the church organ in his hometown. The poem was entitled “Midnight, Christians.” Four years later in 1847 his friend, Adolphe Adam, wrote music to accompany the lyrics creating the song initially titled, “Cantique de Noel,” or “Christmas Carol” in English. Adam was a French composer and music critic who wrote mostly operas and ballets. Alongside the opera Giselle (1841), “O Holy Night” is one of his best-known works. “Cantique de Noel” (i.e., “Christmas Carol”) became popular in France and was sung in many Christmas services. But when Placide Cappeau left the church to join a socialist movement, and it was discovered that Adolphe Adams was a Jew, the French Catholic church leaders decided “Cantique de Noel” was “unfit for church services because of its lack of musical taste and total absence of the spirit of religion.” But even though the church no longer allowed the song in their services, the French people continued to sing it. An American perspective on “O Holy Night” Then in 1855, an American minister and writer, John Sullivan Dwight, saw something in the song that moved him beyond the story of the birth of Christ. An abolitionist, Dwight strongly identified with the lines of the third verse of the song “Truly he taught us to love one another; his law is love, and his gospel is peace. Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, and in his name all oppression shall cease.” He published his English translation of “O Holy Night” in his magazine, and the song quickly found favor in America, especially in the North during the Civil War. Back in France, the song continued to be banned by the church for almost two decades, while the people still sang “Cantique de Noel” at home. Legend has it that on Christmas Eve 1871, in the midst of fierce fighting between the armies of Germany and France, during the Franco-Prussian War, a French soldier suddenly jumped out of his muddy trench and began singing “Cantique de Noel.” Then a German soldier stepped into the open and answered the Frenchman's song with Martin Luther's “From Heaven Above to Earth I Come.” The story goes that the fighting stopped for the next twenty-four hours while the men on both sides observed a temporary peace in honor of Christmas day. There is no proof that this ever happened, but that's why it's a legend and a good story, never the less. One thing I couldn't find is how or when the title of this Christmas carol became “O Holy Night.” "O Holy Night" is a first Years later on Christmas Eve 1906, Reginald Fessenden–a 33-year-old university professor and former chief chemist for Thomas Edison–did something long thought impossible. Using a new type of generator, Fessenden spoke into a microphone and, for the first time in history, a man's voice was broadcast over the airwaves. And what did he say? He recited the beginning of the Christmas story found in chapter 2 of Luke's gospel, “And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed… After finishing his recitation of the birth of Christ, Fessenden picked up his violin and played “O Holy Night,” the first song ever sent through the air via radio waves. Starting as a poem requested by a local parish priest in 1843, which morphed into a song 4 years later, “O Holy Night” has a most interesting history. Written by a poet who later left the church, then given soaring melodies by a Jewish composer, and then brought to America and used in the anti-slavery movement, this beloved Christmas carol is sung by millions around the world today. Lyrics to “O Holy Night” O holy night, the stars are brightly shining, It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth; Long lay the world in sin and error pining, 'Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn; Chorus
 Fall on your knees, Oh hear the angel voices! 
O night divine! Oh night when Christ was born. O night, O holy night, O night divine. Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming; With glowing hearts by his cradle we stand: So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming, Here come the wise men from Orient land, The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger, In all our trials born to be our friend; Chorus
 He knows our need, To our weakness no stranger! Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend! Behold your King! your King! before him bend! Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is Love and His gospel is Peace; Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother, And in his name all oppression shall cease, Sweet hymns of joy in grateful Chorus raise we; Let all within us praise his Holy name! Chorus Christ is the Lord, then ever! ever praise we! His pow'r and glory, evermore proclaim! His pow'r and glory, evermore proclaim! Sources https://www.classicfm.com/discover-music/occasions/christmas/o-holy-night-original-lyrics-composer-recordings/ (Stories Behind the Best-Loved Songs of Christmas”  Zondervan) https://www.christianity.com/wiki/holidays/what-is-the-meaning-and-story-behind-o-holy-night.html What does all this mean for you? “O Holy Night" reminds us of God's relentless creativity in pursuing all of us. Using a man who left his faith in God to write the lyrics, and a Jew who rejects Jesus, God uses this song, over 200 years old, for the purpose of drawing us to himself. "O Holy Night" isn't just about one night, Christmas night. It's about all the nights and days that follow. Nights where you are offered reconciliation and forgiveness for your sins. Nights of faith made possible by the birth of Jesus who knows your needs and weaknesses, and who teaches us to love one another. It's about nights of hope for the future because Christ entered our world to save us from ourselves. It's about nights of worship for all that the Lord has done for us. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode “O Holy Night" shows God's passion for making himself known. He uses music written by people who don't believe in him to comfort people who do. Closing Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. Merry Christmas everyone! Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation 136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 188: Joy to the World - The Unintended Christmas Carol The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

The Christmas story in 2022, as with the first one centuries ago, is all about Jesus. Mary treasured all its many details, thought about them often, and pondered them in her heart. May we do the same. Here's the original Christmas story as recorded in Luke's Gospel, just as it happened. The Birth of Jesus At that time the Roman emperor, Augustus, decreed that a census should be taken throughout the Roman Empire. (This was the first census taken when Quirinius was governor of Syria.) All returned to their own ancestral towns to register for this census. And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David's ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. He took with him Mary, his fiancée, who was now obviously pregnant. And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them. That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord's glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don't be afraid!” he said. Good News of Great Joy “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger. “Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.” When the angels had returned to heaven, the shepherds said to each other, “Let's go to Bethlehem! Let's see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” They hurried to the village and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the manger. After seeing him, the shepherds told everyone what had happened and what the angel had said to them about this child. All who heard the shepherds' story were astonished, but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. The shepherds went back to their flocks, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen. It was just as the angel had told them. ~ Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV) Merry Christmas, everyone. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 082: A Christmas Gift of Anticipation 136: Make it a Merry Christmas this Year 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 189: O Holy Night - An Unusual History The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.  

You're out there, I know you are. I can see you. You're not quite ready to say goodbye to Christmas this year. You want the joy of Christmas to linger just a little while longer. I get it. I've got your back in today's show. Keep listening, this one's for you. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Christmas memories To keep the joy of Christmas rolling, I'll start by reading a joyful Christmas memory shared by one of our listeners. Chris wrote: A Christmas memory that stands out for me is going to a Christmas tree farm near Cross Plains, Wisconsin where we lived with dad and my siblings. I remember walking quite a bit to choose just the right tree, cutting it with our own saw, dragging it to the car and taking it home to decorate. Then Kim, another listener, shared this joyful Christmas memory of hers: My memory is going to my grandma's house at Christmas and seeing her tree. She had a special ornament on her tree for every family member.. when we would get to her house we would always look for our ornament. Our name was written on the ornament. When my husband came into my life and when each of my children were born she designated an ornament for each of them. When she left her home she gave each family their ornaments. I now treasure those ornaments on my tree. Lastly, Chris shared another Christmas memory when he wrote: My grandparents had a beautiful old Swiss chalet on five acres in Madison Highlands with large rooms and high ceilings. The tree needed to be so large to fill the space that Papa would select a huge tree and cut off the top for our use.This worked out nicely for him because it served to also reopen the view of Lake Mendota in the distance from his property. The places Chris refers to are in and around Madison, Wisconsin in the US. Thanks for the memories So Chris and Mary, thanks for sharing those Christmas memories. The theme I see in all of them is the joy of relationships. Chris with his dad and siblings, Kim with her grandmother, and Chris again with his grandparents. Previous episodes about the joy of Christmas Now for those of you who aren't quite ready to say to put Christmas 2022 in the rearview mirror, I went back into our archives of past episodes and pulled out 13 of them that specifically deal with Christmas. I've posted their titles and the links to them in the show notes, and I'll say a little about each one to help you decide if you want to listen to one or more of them. If you're driving to the store to return Christmas presents and aren't prepared to write the links down, I've made it easy for you. Each of these episodes can be accessed by going to JohnCertalic.com/ followed by the 3-digit episode number I'll give you. I'll start with the oldest episodes first and end with the most recent Christmas shows. And of course, this will all be in the show notes of this episode for you to look up. The Gift of Even Though, JohnCertalic.com/004 I'll start with the episode entitled “The Gift of Even Though” found at JohnCertalic.com/004. And that's spelled John with an “h”, and Certalic, C-e-r-t-a-l-i-c. JohnCertalic.com/004. It was the first of 3 related to Christmas gifts a few years ago. This particular episode is about a phone conversation I had with our 93-year-old friend Lorraine. We first met when Janet and I were freshmen in college. She and her husband Vern wanted to have children but weren't able to, and we were like the children - now adults - she never had. In a phone conversation with Lorraine, she talked about how grateful she was for the rich life she had lived, even though…she was not able to have what she truly wanted. I shared the 5 values Janet and I learned from this childless couple a generation older than us. Values we learned from watching how they lived. They were a great gift to us by showing how to live even though the desires of one's heart are never met. It's one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/004. The Gift of Joy - Part 1, JohnCertalic.com/005 The second Christmas episode on my list is “The Gift of Joy - Part 1,” found at JohnCertalic.com/005. It's an answer to the question, “What do I do when I need more joy in my life?” The answer is to share in the joy others experience, even when it has nothing to do with you. I tell two stories that show how to do this. One of which brought tears to my eyes. It's one of my favorite episodes. JohnCertalic.com/005. End the Year with Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/006 Next on my list of the joy of Christmas episodes is “End the Year with Christmas Joy, found at JohnCertalic.com/006. In this show, I talk about how joy is more like a cat than a dog. Let that sink in for a minute. Listen to this one to learn how joy is more like a cat than a dog. This leads to a story about the joy of Christmas found in a flash mob that appeared out of nowhere at a shopping mall food court a few weeks before Christmas. A choir dressed like all the other shoppers springs out from amongst the crowd to sing a rousing rendition of the “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel's Messiah. I share a newspaper article about the event and what a moving experience it was for many who were there, and the joy of Christmas it brought into people's lives. I include a link to the YouTube video of the flash mob scene near the bottom of the show notes for episode 006. If you're feeling down for whatever reason, do yourself a favor and watch the video clip. It's one of my favorites. Again, go to JohnCertalic.com/006 for all the details. Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made, JohnCertalic.com/045 On to the next one on the list. For me, the joy of Christmas would not be complete without watching the greatest Christmas movie ever made, It's a Wonderful Life! In episode 045 I summarize the plot of the film, and then explain the relationship lessons that are rich gems below the surface of the storyline, namely: Before is often better than now People need our prayers Good leaders are good with relationships Keenly observing people enables us to help them That which bothers us most often reveals the idols in our life Relationships have the power to calm our hearts in the midst of stress and turmoil When we pray for a solution to a problem, God often provides one we never could have imagined This really is one of my favorite episodes. I could do a weekend workshop just on these seven relationship lessons from the movie. JohnCertalic.com/045. Where Joy to the World is Found, JohnCertalic.com/046 Moving on, Episode 046 is “Where Joy to the World is Found.” Here's a line from that show that summarizes what it's all about: look for joy in the ordinary, in the simple, that's hiding in plain sight right in front of us all year round. It's in the ordinary where the joy of Christmas is found. Go to JohnCertalic.com/046 to listen in and see how. It's one of my favorites. What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day, JohnCertalic.com/047 Then we have “What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day” in episode 047. It's where I comment on the Christmas Story found in Luke 2:1-20 in the Bible. Relationships are what Mary treasured most, and it's these relationships that make the joy of Christmas like no other event in human history. The implications of these relationships are what Mary pondered and treasured in her heart, and thought about them often. It's one my all-time favorites. A Christmas Gift of Silence, JohnCertalic.com/080 Moving on, episode 080, “A Christmas Gift of Silence,“ focuses on an early player in the joy of Christmas story - Zechariah. I talk about why he was silenced, and what we learn from Zechariah's mistake. The main point of this show is trust God and what he says, even when it defies logic, human wisdom, and experience. Silence can be a real gift as you'll hear in episode 080. This is one of my favorite episodes. A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection, JohnCertalic.com/081 Next is “A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection,” in episode 081. Here I discuss the personal connection between Mary and her cousin Elizabeth, and the gift of having people in our life who ”get us.” This gift certainly adds to the joy of Christmas. Elizabeth and Mary connect with each other even though there's a large age gap between the two of them. The close relationship they each have with God makes this possible. There's is a triangulated relationship in the best sense of the word. Relationships like this are a great gift we can give each other. Check it out at JohnCertalic.com/081. Be sure to check this one out; it's one of my favorites. A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, JohnCertalic.com/082 Following episode 081 is “ A Christmas Gift of Anticipation, “ in episode 082. It's about anticipating the joy of Christmas. The beginning of the Christmas story found in Luke's Gospel account is just dripping with anticipation, and the joy that comes with it. I make the point that the deeper we know Jesus and what he's already done for us, the more joy there is in anticipating what he will do in the future. It's a great Christmas gift. I really like this one, and I think you will, too. The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community, JohnCertalic.com/083 Moving on, episode 083 is the only joy of Christmas show where I interview someone. In “The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community” I interview Josephine, a single missionary serving in Eastern Europe. She talks about being in her apartment alone in her pajamas at Christmas, some 5,000 miles from home. But then, a group of her local musician friends invite her out to play Christmas music. They did it to honor her. She talks at length about the personal meaning of Emmanuel - “God with us.” She sees it in the shepherds on that first Christmas night and their need for community. I really enjoyed this. It's one of my favorites. A Better Kind of Christmas Joy, JohnCertalic.com/134 Next is episode 134, “ A Better Kind of Christmas Joy.” It's about the characters at the beginning of the Christmas story, Zechariah, Elizabeth, and Mary. How they interact with God and each other is another way we too can experience the joy of Christmas. I enjoyed digging beneath the surface of the storyline to see how each of these characters develop. I'm pretty sure you're going to like this one. It's one of my favorite episodes. Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy, JohnCertalic.com/135 Next up is “Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy,” episode 135. It's about Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus. I call him the Marcel Marceau of the New Testament because there's no record of him saying anything. Yet this behind-the-scenes kind of guy makes a significant contribution to the joy of Christmas by the example he sets. His actions speak volumes about what good men do in their relationships. I really love this episode, and I think you will too. JohnCertalic.com/135. Make it a Mary Christmas this Year, JohnCertalic.com/136 Finally, “Make it a Mary Christmas this Year,” you will find at JohnCertalic.com/136. And that's Mary, spelled M-a-r-y. It's about the Virgin Mary's perspective of that first Christmas, and how she applied the ORA principle of deepening relationships we've talked about. The episode is about what she Observed, Reflected, and Acted upon. All things that apply to us today. Like all the others, this is one of my favorite shows. So what does all this mean for YOU? If you want the joy of Christmas to linger just a little while longer, listen to the episodes I described. They will help carry you through the days ahead. They'll show you principles of healthy relationships you can put into practice every day of the year. Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode The joy of Christmas is the joy of Jesus coming to us so one day we can go to be with him, fully transformed into the person we were meant to be. You were made for this. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Especially if there's a particular past episode you found especially meaningful. You can send me an email, or share your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the bottom of the show notes of this episode. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. I'll close with a sign I saw yesterday at my eye doctor's office. Next to the receptionist's desk were two small blocks, one on top of the other, that read “Spread Kindness.” I've been thinking about that since, and it's something I'm trying to act on. I hope you do the same. Spread kindness. And I'll see you again next year on January 4th, for the first episode of 2023. Goodbye for now. The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world. Links to the Christmas episodes mentioned The Gift of Even Though JohnCertalic.com/004 The Gift of Joy - Part 1 JohnCertalic.com/005 The Gift of Joy - Part 2 JohnCertalic.com/006 Seven Relationship Lessons from the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever Made JohnCertalic.com/045 Where Joy to the World is Found JohnCertalic.com/046 What Mary Treasured on Christmas Day JohnCertalic.com/047 A Christmas Gift of Silence JohnCertalic.com/080 A Christmas Gift of Deep Personal Connection JohnCertalic.com/081 A Christmas Gift of Anticipation JohnCertalic.com/082 The Best Christmas - Be with People in Community JohnCertalic.com/083 A Better Kind of Christmas Joy JohnCertalic.com/134 Christmas with a Good Man Brings Joy JohnCertalic.com/135 Make it a Merry Christmas this Year JohnCertalic.com/136 End the Year with Christmas Joy JohnCertalic.com/138  

I received an email recently from a fellow podcaster. He mentioned how he picks a word at the beginning of January to help him stay focused for the year. His 2022 word of the year was “celebrate.” For 2023 he chose “authentic.” Apparently lots of people are choosing a word of the year for themselves. I googled the phrase “Word of the Year for 2023” and found 1,060,000,000 entries. Keep listening to hear my pick for word of the year for 2023 and what it could mean for you. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Word of the Year for 2023 Some people like to pick a word for the year at the end of the year to summarize what life has been like for them over the past 12 months. The dictionary people at Merriam-Webster, for example, chose “gaslighting” as their word of the year for 2022. They say it has come to mean “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage.” The word has an interesting origin and a more robust definition, but we'll have to save that for another episode. Like my podcaster friend, though, I would rather come up with a word of the year at the beginning of the year, not at the end. So my pick for word of the year for 2023 is “Read.” Why “Read”? Here's why I picked this word, rather than any number of other worthwhile words. It starts with a quote I recently came across that I've found to be so insightful. It comes from William Nicholson, the playwright most famous for his play, Shadowlands, the story of C.S. Lewis and his relationship with Joy Gresham whom he eventually marries. Again that's a subject for another podcast. Be that as it may, Nicholson says “We read to know we are not alone.” I find this rather profound. It speaks to the issue of loneliness which plagues many of us, me included, and offers a remedy. We read to know we are not alone. A text I read recently Here is an example of something I read recently about someone's experience that resonated with me, and reminded me I'm not alone. It's a text I received that I've altered slightly to protect the privacy of a listener who wrote it. I'll call her Emily. She writes Well, I just listened to your Podcast 187, “Angels We Have Heard On High.” You asked if anyone wanted to share a Christmas Memory. You did have a deadline, and I missed it. However, I wanted to share with you what I discovered when I asked my husband James if he had a joyful Christmas memory that stood out in his mind. He thought and thought and couldn't come up with one. So now I understand why he has never been excited about Christmas in our 52 years of marriage. Has never done any Christmas shopping…didn't participate in any decorating…I cannot remember getting a gift that he shopped for…and at work, he was known as the “grinch.” It caused more stress in our relationship which ultimately caused me to stop Christmas shopping, and I do very little decorating. So, thanks to you, John, I at least now understand “why.” Greater appreciation of people comes from reading their story I so identify with both people in this little story. Like, James. I can't think of a joyful Christmas memory from my childhood. I have many as an adult, but none as a kid. But I also got the sense that James has no adult joyful memories of Christmas either. I feel fortunate that I've been able to not let the dysfunctional part of my past interfere with the joy of the present. On the one hand, I felt encouraged by what I read in Emily's text. I so easily could have been like her husband James, and her text reminded me of how blessed I am that God saved me from being stuck in my past. I wish the same would be true for James. And at the same time, I feel sad for Emily because her husband hampers her Christmas experience, and sadness for the stress it has caused her. I admire people like Emily who choose to honor her marriage vows despite the conflicts and pain that arise from time to time. How many marriages do you know that have lasted 52 years? The Word of the Year for me in 2023, “Read,” gives me a greater appreciation for the values and character of the people like Emily who cross my path. And it only happened because of something I read, namely her text. A joyful email I read Another podcast listener, Marilyn from Minnesota, has written to me before. This time she wrote to share a joyful Christmas memory, even though it came in after the Christmas deadline. But I'm going to share it anyway. I loved reading it, and I think you'll love hearing it. It's a story her mother told her. Marilyn writes, My grandfather was born and raised in England where he was apprenticed as a "shipwright," a finish carpenter on large ships. When he immigrated to the US at age 21, he settled in a place far from big ships. He became a "finish carpenter" in homes in northern Indiana. The Great Depression hit his business hard as people decided to save the money they had for necessities. There was a lake near grandpa's home and he took a job in the winter cutting huge blocks of ice from the lake for use in refrigeration. During this most difficult financial year, there was no money to buy a real Christmas tree (the only option at that time). On Christmas Eve, he was walking home after cutting ice on Cedar Lake. There it was, lying in a heap, a discarded Christmas tree, complete with tinsel. Apparently, a family was heading to relatives elsewhere and didn't want to come home to a dried-up Christmas tree in their house. Grandpa took the tree home, set it up, and surprised his family the next morning with everything needed for a joyous celebration! God is at work in the stories we read Marilyn doesn't mention “God” at all in her grandfather's story, but can't you see God's hand in providing an unexpected Christmas tree at the last minute for this poor family? I would love to have been in the house on Christmas morning when everyone woke up to see that tinsel-laden Christmas tree. Imagine the joy that would have filled the room. There are so many reasons why “read” is my vote for Word of The Year for 2023. One is that when we read stories of the lives of others, like the one Marilyn shared about her grandfather, we often see God at work. And when we see examples of God at work in the lives of others, it gives us hope that he is at work in our life as well. Reading her story about the Christmas tree reminds me of the verse in the Bible, John 5:17, where Jesus tells the Pharisees, “My Father is always working, and so am I.” So what does what you've heard today mean for YOU? If my Word of the Year for 2023 (read) doesn't resonate with you, what word does? You have a lot to choose from. If you see possibilities in read for 2023, what are you going to read? Today I only talked about the benefits of reading someone's text, and another person's email. We haven't gotten into the rewards that come from reading books, newspapers, blogs, magazines, or other forms of the written word. I'll share more about this in next week's episode. But for now, what are you going to read so that you know you are not alone? Here's the main takeaway I hope you remember from today's episode “Read” is a good choice for Word of The Year for 2023. Reading what others experience connects us with people. Reading reminds us that we're not alone in the struggles we face and that God is at work in them for our good. Do you have a relationship question? Would you like some input regarding a relationship issue? If so, go to JohnCertalic.com/question to record your question using your phone or computer. If you'd rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. Closing In closing, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. Feel free to send me an email, or enter your thoughts in the “Leave a Comment” box at the end of the show notes. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show to set aside time to read. Go to a library and check out a book or two. Visit a bookstore. If you make “Read” your Word of the Year for 2023 it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Tell a few people about what you're reading. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 191: Wanting the Joy of Christmas to Linger Awhile? The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Last week's episode, number 192, was about my pick for word for the year: Read. If you're not much of a reader and can only tackle one book this year, I suggest read the Bible. Some people follow a Bible Reading plan that gets them through the entire book in one year. But if you're an underachiever like me, I've got a more manageable, guilt-free way to read the Bible. Keep listening to learn what it is and how it could work for you. But before we get into all this, here's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. Intimidated by Pat Boone I recently read a Wall Street Journal article about Pat Boone entitled “Last of the Hollywood Squares.” It was about how this actor, whom I'm guessing is about 420 years old by now, has capitalized on his squeaky-clean image throughout his career. He stands in stark contrast to the typical Hollywood actor that comes to mind these days. The article talked about Pat Boone's faith and that he has read through the entire Bible for each of the past 40 years. 40 Years! Yikes! Read through the Bible in a year People like this intimidate me. I've read through the entire Bible I think 3 times. But I'm clearly an underachiever when compared to Pat Boone. I followed a Bible reading plan that each day of the year included chapters from the old testament, the new testament, and the book of psalms. I would read the selected passages for the day, and then put a checkmark in the box next to that day's reading. I'm glad I did this. I saw themes and issues that repeated themselves that gave me insight as to what is important to God, which in turn showed me how I should then live. If you like feeling a sense of accomplishment, this type of plan works well. The downside to this reading plan for underachievers like me is that some days I'm just reading to be able to check off the box that I completed the task. Some days I was reading just to read, and not to draw closer to God and understand him better. That's the underachiever in me. Another downside, if this is the first time you're considering reading through the Bible in a year, is that we're already 11 days into the new year as of the date of this episode. It puts you 11 days behind most Bible reading plans. Another option But I have an alternative I'd like you to consider. Last summer I came across an idea from a Bible teacher I heard at a Christian family camp we've been going to for years. As an aside to whatever he was talking about that day, he said in passing, “If you want to get to know Jesus better, read just 3 chapters a day from the Gospels, and you'll finish all four of them in a month.” I started doing that on September 1, but by the middle of the month I got behind, and then on some days couldn't figure out where I ended the day before so I could start the next day's reading. As an underabhvier, this was not surprising. So I came up with a slightly different Bible reading plan. This one could work for you, too. My Underachievers Bible reading plan for 2023 is to still stick with just reading a portion of the four gospels every day this year. It will mean going over the four Gospels several times during the course of 2023. The difference between this plan and the one from the Bible teacher I heard last summer, is that sometimes I'll read 3 chapters in a day, sometimes 2, and maybe even 4 chapters. Plus, it's easier to keep track of. Here's how it works. Here's how it works Open your Bible and start reading the first complete chapter that begins on the page on your left. Continue reading onto the page on the right side. Start any new chapter that starts on the right-hand page, and don't stop until you've completed reading the chapter. This will usually mean turning the page, and finishing up that chapter on the next page on your left. You stop here for the day. Tomorrow, you pick up where you left off with a new complete chapter on the page on your left. It's rinse and repeat every day. For example, today I opened my Bible to the page where I placed the burgundy bookmark ribbon yesterday after finishing that day's reading. I'm in the Gospel of John at the moment. The left page continues the text from the end of John 12 from yesterday's reading. I started today's reading with the first complete chapter on the left-hand page, chapter 13. It continues onto the right page and ends there. Chapter 14 starts here, and then I turn the page to get to the rest of chapter 14, which ends in the middle of the page and where I stop for the day. I place my bookmark here, which tells me where I start the next day. So you start each day with a new complete chapter, and you end each day finishing a chapter. Using a bookmark eliminates the need to check off a box for a pre-determined reading for a particular day. If you're a box checker-offer, type, this approach may not work for you. But for underachievers like me, this bible reading plan works well for getting to know Jesus better. Here's what I've noticed I've been doing this for four months now, just reading through the four gospels multiple times as I've described. Here are a few things I've noticed in my reading. The story never gets old. It's like looking at a painting several times over a period of time and seeing something new each time you see it again. I've seen how much Jesus spoke against the religious leaders of the day and their hypocrisy. How they misled people and were out to hold onto the power they had over people How much Jesus loved people The lengths to which Jesus used simple stories to illustrate profound truths How a relationship with Jesus is not as hard as we make it. In John 6:28-29 a crowd of people who weren't quite sure what they thought of Jesus say to him. “…we want to perform God's work, too. What should we do? Jesus replies, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.” Let that sink in for a minute. Religion at times makes it harder to get to know Jesus. I don't remember where in the gospels I read it, but there's a scene where the disciple are walking with Jesus around town and pointing out buildings to him. I find this humorous and wonder if the gospel writer saw it too, this guided tour telling Jesus what he was already well aware of. It made me chuckle. So what does all this mean for YOU? I've said it many times before that this podcast is all about finding joy in the relationships God designed for us. The most important relationship is our relationship with Jesus. Following a bible reading plan, any plan, helps nurture that relationship. You will find more joy in life the more you read about Jesus and what he tells you. He will be the most impactful person you can read about this year. Take time to discover more about Him this year, a little each day, following a bible reading plan. Here's the main idea I hope you take away from today's episode Reading through the whole Bible this year is one of the most enriching things you can do for yourself. But if this seems too daunting a task right now, give reading 2 or 3 chapters a day from the Gospels a try. Cut yourself some slack, and it's okay if you miss a day here and there. Closing Before we wrap up today's show, if you'd like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you're dealing with, I'd love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you'd rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the Leave a Comment box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future show. In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice a Bible reading plan to get to know Jesus better. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes and click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. Ask people what they're reading these days. Tell them what you're reading. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All Last week's episode 192: Word of the Year for 2023 - Read The place to access all past and future episodes JohnCertalic.com Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.

Here in the US, the third Monday of January is a national holiday to honor Dr. Martin Luther King, jr., the civil rights leader. I recently came across one of his quotes where he said “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ” I've seen the truth of his comment played out several times in my life. It's what I talk about in today's episode because it speaks to a relational skill we would do well to master. But first, Welcome to You Were Made for This If you find yourself wanting more from your relationships, you've come to the right place. Here you'll discover practical principles you can use to experience the life-giving relationships you were made for. I'm your host, John Certalic, award-winning author and relationship coach, here to help you find more joy in the relationships God designed for you. To access all past and future episodes, go to the bottom of this page, enter your name and email address, then click on the follow or subscribe button. The episodes are organized chronologically and are also searchable by topics, categories, and keywords. The day our pastor yelled at me When I first read the quote from Martin Luther King an incident popped up into my mind, like a jack-in-the-box that just sprung loose. It was the time the silence of my friends drowned out the words of my “enemy.” It happened the night the pastor of the church yelled at me. A deacon board meeting at church (we had no elder board at the time) A concern we talked about that evening was people leaving the church The 8 of us sat at several tables arranged in a horseshoe. I suggested we contact those leaving and ask why. Do exit interviews The pastor got angry, and while pounding his fist on a table said to me, “We don't need to do that. I know why people are leaving. It's families where the wife wears the pants in the family. Those are the people who are leaving the church!” His take on the problem was completely inaccurate. His anger caught me and everyone else off guard. I never considered him my “enemy.” But what struck me most about that evening and what I remember to this day was the “silence of my friends” sitting at that board meeting with me. Without regard to the pastor's analysis of the issue, which in my view was woefully inaccurate, no one said anything in the meeting. Notjhing about his yelling at me and pounding his fist on the table. Even if you agreed with the pastor's view, it was inappropriate to respond as he did. The silence of our friends No one said a word to him, or to me, and I felt like I was hanging in the wind because no one called the pastor out for his outburst Who are these people I thought? Are they that weak? Days latter an older man on the board, my father's age, did tell me privately that the pastor's reaction to my suggestion was totally inappropriate. But he said nothing at the meeting As I think about that night, I think about the times I've been weak myself in failing to speak the truth when someone needed defending. I can think of two occasions where I failed to stand up strongly enough for two different youth pastors in two different churches. Both of these guys were great youth pastors. In one case, the board was legalistic and intolerant of new ways of doing youth ministry, and in the other, the senior pastor was intimidated by how gifted his youth pastor was in relating to people, and in his preaching, which was superior to his own. Others who spoke for me when I couldn't speak for myself These examples of “the silence of our friends” reminds me of several times when people actually did stand up for me. When they spoke for me. As a high school student, an English teacher recognized that I was capable of higher-level academic work and advocated for me to be placed on a more advanced track. In my book, THEM, I write about a guidance counselor who was able to get financial aid for me to attend college 250 miles from home when I had no hope of ever getting any help. It's no exaggeration to say that what she did changed the course of my life. For the better. There are times in life when we could all use an advocate. And there are times when God presents us with opportunities to be an advocate for others. To speak on their behalf when they can't speak for themselves. Ending my silence to speak for those who couldn't A number of years ago I was at an annual meeting of the church we were attending. These are normally pretty dull affairs, at least for me. But in this particular meeting, there was a discussion about a missionary couple the church had been supporting for many years. The plan at this meeting was to stop supporting this couple because they were “retiring” and moving back to the US. People seemed in favor of this idea. But I knew this coupleI knew that their definition of “retiring” was to return back to the US and continue the Bible translation work they had been doing for people groups in Asia for several decades. They didn't need to be in Asia to do their work, but they still planned to travel back there on occasion. They were going to be working just as hard in the US as they were in Asia. I'm not one to speak up in meetings like this, but I did this time. I couldn't sit in silence while decisions were made about them. Fortunately, that original proposal was dropped, and their support continued. Speaking up for teenagers I was a teacher back in the ‘70s at a high school in a semi-rural area in S.E. Wisconsin Kids, mostly boys complained about the poor condition of the student parking lot behind the school. Lots of potholes. Suspension systems being ruined. It was a mess. The students voiced their complaints, but nothing was done to correct the problem My solution: check with the police and see if there is anything prohibiting parking along the highway in front of the school. If it's legal to park there, start doing that and see what happens. So that's what they did. It caught the attention of everyone. Within a couple of months, the city passed a “no parking” ordinance and put up signs along the highway in front of the school. Eventually, the parking lot was repaired. It brought me joy seeing these kids getting their voices heard. Their actions broke the silence of the school administration in ways their words could not. It's been decades since this happened and several years ago I happened to be driving past this old high school where I taught and saw that the “No Parking” signs are still there. So what does all this mean for YOU? It's just a couple of days past the Martin Luther King holiday here in the US, and it makes me wonder how the quote of his I mentioned in the beginning has been part of your experience. Where you remember not so much the words of your enemies as you do the silence of your friends. It also makes me wonder if you are anything like me, where your silence, is like mine. And it has kept you from speaking up for someone who can't speak for themself. Is there anyone you think God may want you to advocate for? We certainly are not to speak up about everything. And many times the wisest thing to do is to sit in our silence and watch what happens. It takes Godly wisdom to know when to speak, and when to remain silent. Here's the main of the episode I hope you take away with you Here in the week where we honor Martin Luther King, jr. let's take his words to heart and not become one of those he mentions in his statement, “We remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Let's pray for wisdom to know when, and how, to speak up and give voice to those who can't speak for themself. Closing Before we wrap up today's show, if you'd like some input regarding a relationship question or issue you're dealing with, I'd love to hear from you. Just go to JohnCertalic.com/question to leave me a voicemail. If you'd rather put your question in writing, just enter it in the "Leave a Comment" box at the bottom of the show notes. I'll do my best to answer your question in a future episode. In closing, I'd also love to hear any thoughts you have about today's episode. I hope your thinking was stimulated by today's show, enough to put into practice what you've just heard about speaking up for others who need you. For when you do, it will help you experience the joy of relationships God desires for you. Because after all, You Were Made for This. Well, that's it for today. If there's someone in your life you think might like to hear what you just heard, please forward this episode on to them. Scroll down to the bottom of the show notes. Then click on one of the options in the yellow “Share This” bar. And don't forget to spread a little relational sunshine around the people you meet this week. Spark some joy for them. And I'll see you again next time. Goodbye for now. Other episodes or resources related to today's shows 139: Why Should I Listen to This Podcast? 021: The Most Important Relationship of All THEM - The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others The place to access all past and future episode:  JohnCertalic.com Last week's episode 193: The Underachievers Bible Reading Plan for 2023 Our Sponsor You Were Made for This is sponsored by Caring for Others, a missionary care ministry. The generosity of people like you supports our ministry. It enables us to continue this weekly podcast and other services we provide to missionaries around the world.